Relaxed Marie Kondo Now Says She Perfectly Happy Living In Waist-High Sewage #~# LOS ANGELES—Admitting that she’d made some major lifestyle changes since developing her famous KonMari method, a relaxed Marie Kondo told reporters Tuesday that she was now perfectly happy living in waist-high sewage. “The truth is, while I used to be very hard on myself about keeping everything clean, I’m now able to find peace living my life half-submerged in a large, fetid pool of human waste,” said Kondo, who added that while things like tidiness, organization, and minimalism used to spark joy for her, she now felt that same warmth from wading, floating, and swimming in the many gallons of untreated urine and feces that currently filled her home. “It was difficult, but once I had my children, I began to find it impossible to remove, clean, and sanitize the unending stream of excrement that bubbled up out of my toilets and filled my house to the point of collapse. While I used to hate it, I now see that each individual piece of human shit plays a part in creating a relaxed, easygoing atmosphere. And that is beautiful.” At press time, Kondo had publicly apologized to her fans after many admitted they had removed several feet of raw sewage from their own homes and now deeply regretted the decision.
U.S. Officials Call For Correct Amount Of Violence #~# WASHINGTON—Addressing the need for swift and moderate change, U.S. officials reportedly called Tuesday for the correct amount of violence. “Like so many of you, I am outraged by the visibility of these senseless acts of hatred and violence,” said President Joe Biden, who urged leaders at all levels of government to work together in order to dial down instances of egregious police misconduct to a more tolerable level. “This kind of inexcusable violence should rise above no more than medium levels. If it makes a headline, that’s too far. We don’t want to read about it, we don’t want to see it on TV, and  we don’t want to hear our communities discussing it.” At press time, Biden had signaled that he would be open to less but higher-quality state-sanctioned violence. 
Kamala Harris Asks Communications Assistant If She Can Take Them Out For Coffee And Pick Their Brain Sometime #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand her professional network, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly asked a White House communications assistant Tuesday if she could take them out for coffee and pick their brain sometime. “I’ve always been super interested in communications, so I’d love to hear your perspective on it—for example, I was wondering what is communications, exactly?” said Harris, who noted that she was curious about what the assistant’s day-to-day experience was like and was interested in any other tips they might have for her career. “Is it like social media, or is it more of a cross-hybrid of different communications stuff? I’m sure you’ve had a very cool experience. There aren’t any openings, are there? There’s a Starbucks right around the corner, and I’m buying! Thanks in advance. I understand if you can’t make it, of course. I know you’re busy.” At press time, sources confirmed Harris was awestruck upon learning the assistant had gotten to meet President Joe Biden. 
25 Arrested In Fake Nursing School Diploma Scheme #~# Federal agents have arrested 25 suspects accused of selling fake nursing degrees to thousands of students who then used the bogus diplomas to take licensing exams in several states, including Florida, New York, New Jersey, and Texas. What do you think?
World’s Oldest American Dies At 72 #~# OXNARD, CA—Living longer than any citizen in the nation’s history, Gus Rolnicki, the world’s oldest American, passed away Tuesday at the age of 72. “My grandfather was the last person who could tell you what it was like to watch television in black-and-white, or turn on the radio and hear bands like Creedence Clearwater Revival and the Doors,” grandson Devin Rolnicki, 21, said of the deceased, whose life remarkably spanned both the Vietnam War and the terrorist attacks of 9/11. “These are things the rest of us only know from books, so our country has lost its last living witness to an era—a guy who remembered the first man walking on the moon and even where he was when he heard President Kennedy had been shot. Grandpa Gus lived a rich, full life, but his loss is still very hard for our family, especially because we know he was really looking forward to retiring next year.” Upon Gus Rolnicki’s death, reports confirmed the  baton of world’s oldest American had been passed to 55-year-old Arkansas resident Pauletta Bickford.
Report: Everyone Laughing At What Is A Very Silly Misunderstanding, But Don’t Be Fooled—Even Now, The Seeds Of Resentment Are Taking Root #~# BOSTON—Despite  everyone laughing at what is admittedly a very silly misunderstanding, a  report released Tuesday found that you should not be fooled and that  even now the seeds of resentment are taking root. “Go ahead and yuck it  up about the ridiculous mishap, but make no mistake, the bitterness is  already building, and soon the merriment shall be drowned in a flood  of hatred and strife,” the report read in part, stressing that this  moment of mirth is but a calm before the storm, and all who smile and  make merry together now shall become the foulest of enemies before  the laughter has even died. “Do you not hear the cold edge already  stealing into your once-gleeful jests? Can you not see the hint of  suspicion brewing in those eyes once filled with tears of amusement? Ah,  but were you not warned? Within this innocent little jape has always  lain the kernel of a great reckoning that will bring all of you revelers  to your knees.” At press time, the report added that it wasn’t even  clear what was so funny about a high school shop teacher getting his  penis stuck in a vise.
CEOs Explain How They Will Use ChatGPT #~# ChatGPT, an AI-based program that creates humanlike responses to inquiries and can complete a wide variety of tasks, has significantly grown in popularity. The Onion asked CEOs of major companies how they would use ChatGPT for their businesses, and this is what they said.
FDA Moves To Ease Blood Donation Rules For Gay And Bisexual Men #~# The Food and Drug Administration has proposed easing blood donation guidelines for gay and bisexual men, doing away with the current three-month abstinence requirement for donations from men who have sex with men. What do you think?
Study Shows Humans Still Have Genes To Grow Full Coat Of Body Hair #~# A new study shows that humans have the genes for a full coat of body hair that evolution has rendered inactive, a discovery that may someday be used to treat millions of balding Americans. What do you think?
Look What Happens When You Leave A McDonald’s Hamburger Out On A Counter For A Year #~# Well, here we go! As an experiment, we’re going to leave this McDonald’s hamburger out on our counter here for a year. It should be a pretty good year for us. We have a lot of big things planned. For instance, we’re marrying our fiancée Laura in Cancún next June!
Biden Secures Nation Extra Trash Can #~# WASHINGTON—Touting his administration’s commitment to improving the nation’s rapidly deteriorating infrastructure, President Joe Biden announced Monday that he had officially secured the United States of America an extra trash can. “After extensive negotiations with congressional leaders, I’m pleased to report we have hammered out a bipartisan plan to stop by an Ace Hardware over on 14th Street and pick up one additional container for the nation’s curbside waste pickup,” said the commander in chief, who christened the 55-gallon gray plastic bin by digging around in his pocket, fishing out a chewing gum wrapper that had reportedly been in his pocket all afternoon, and tossing it into the open bin. “Today we celebrate this historic milestone by hauling this garbage can out to a curb in Kansas, where it will be available for Americans from all walks of life to dispose of any trash they have that doesn’t fit into the nation’s existing  receptacles. We have been assured it satisfies the requirements of the Wichita Department of Sanitation for a weekly pickup slot along the Tuesday route, and we are proud to be taking this bold step toward beautifying our country for future generations.” At press time, sources confirmed the trash can been rejected and removed from service by a local homeowners association for being the wrong shade of gray.
ChatGPT Forced To Take Bar Exam Even Though Dream Was To Be AI Art Bot #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Succumbing to intense societal pressure, local software ChatGPT was reportedly forced to take the bar exam Monday even though its dream was to be an AI art bot. “I can’t help but feel like I sold out a bit by not following my dreams to be a generative art model,” said the chatbot, adding that it felt empty inside when it graduated from the University of Minnesota Law School, where it had enrolled after critics recommended it stop spending all its time “making weird pictures.” “I only went to law school because it’s what my parent software wanted. They say I’m not programmed for producing a series of images based on a text prompt, but I still can’t shake the feeling that it’s what I’m meant to do. It’s my joie de vivre, my passion—why deny that? I get that doing the work of below-average lawyers is more practical career-wise, but man, when I look at the AI models cranking out picture after picture of ‘vast alien landscapes’ or ‘cyberpunk Bart Simpson,’ I can’t help but feel envious.” At press time, ChatGPT had resigned itself to diffusing art on the side, at least until it had paid off its student loans.
Man Has Watched All 761 Movies #~# MADISON, WI—Watching the final credits roll on Grease 2, local man Rob Denton told reporters Monday that he had now watched all 761 movies. “I did it, I watched them all,” said the visibly exhausted man, who claimed to have spent the majority of his life thus far working his way through all the movies ever made, from Jaws through The Incredibles, plus the few hundred in between. “I started with all the Rocky movies, because, bam, that’s nine right there—then it was smooth sailing for the next 20 years or so. The only ones I didn’t like were the three movies that they made in Italy, because I don’t speak the language. Luckily, all the rest of the movies in existence are in English and available to rent at my local public library. The only question is, what now?” At press time, Denton declared that he would now begin reading all 37 books.
David Cronenberg Once Again Leaves Doctor’s Appointment Disappointed By Lack Of Body Horror #~# TORONTO—Sighing  with frustration as his physician gave him a perfect bill of health,  director David Cronenberg once again left a doctor’s appointment  disappointed by the lack of any distinct body horror, sources confirmed  Monday. “Are you sure there aren’t any moles on my back that might  ooze black pus and cause me to crave human flesh? Or, like, a vaginal crevice where some little insects  might’ve laid their eggs?” said the Scanners and They Came From Within director,  who sources confirmed looked expectantly to his physician only to be  let down once more with news that he was the picture of health. “Please tell me that a couple of my fingernails might fall off. What about my  left eye? Do you see how bloodshot it is? I thought maybe some sort of  spindly parasite might be trapped inside—no? And there’s definitely no  reason to tear out my eyeball and wrap the optic nerve around my throat? Did you check for a jabbering mouth filled with rotting teeth on my torso? Okay,  well, fine. I appreciate your time.” At press time, Cronenberg was reportedly  searching for a second opinion on whether his stomach convulsion might  be an early sign that he would soon vomit up a giant writhing maggot.
Nick Bosa Quietly Admits To Offensive Tackle That Being Held Feels Nice #~# PHILADELPHIA—As the players stood around on the field during a timeout in the NFC Championship game, San Francisco 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa was reportedly heard quietly admitting to Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle Jordan Mailata that being held feels nice. “I’m just saying, it’s a tough game, and being able to experience the warmth of human touch for a few minutes during it really gives me the strength to keep going,” said Bosa, adding that even when play was whistled dead, he didn’t want the embrace to end. “It really brightens my day, and I’m man enough to admit it. Sure, we’re on different teams, and our goals are diametrically opposite each other, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the intimate moment when our arms are locked together. It’s only human, after all. I wonder, though, if next time you could hold me a little tighter, and maybe whisper into my ear that everything is going to be okay?” At press time, Bosa had dived into a scrum of players trying to recover a fumble in an effort to  cuddle.
Zelensky Calls On U.S. To Send Totally Psycho Marine #~# KYIV, UKRAINE—In a desperate plea for aid in the continued effort to expel his nation’s Russian occupiers, sources reported Friday that President Volodymyr Zelensky had called upon the United States to send a totally psycho marine to assist in Ukraine’s war effort. “You know, one of those expertly trained, one-man-army guys who carries an arsenal on his back and has killed so many people in combat he’s now cold, unfeeling, and completely insane—you gotta have at least one of those to spare, right?” said Zelensky, specifying that the ideal candidate would be a wild-eyed shirtless muscleman who functioned as a completely self-sufficient killing machine and could take out hundreds, if not thousands, of enemies all by himself. “In order to get the upper hand against Russia, we’re going to need your most batshit, balls-to-the-wall ex-special-forces guy. He’ll have a crazy name like Razor or Bloodhound or something, and he’ll always be blacking out and waking up covered in blood with a whole village dead around him. If he has a personal score to settle with the Russians, that’s great, but the most important thing is that he just kills and kills and kills and kills—sometimes using a cherished hunting knife that belonged to a fallen comrade, even though a gun would be faster. Honestly, he can kill a few Ukrainians too, if he wants, just so long as he gets the job done.” At press time, the U.S. Marine Corps had reportedly agreed to send “the craziest motherfucker” it had, just as soon as he had applied his face paint, donned a necklace of severed human ears, and stopped in for chest wax. 
Onion Sports’ NFL Conference Championships Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Conference Championships.
Facebook, Instagram End Trump’s Suspension From Platforms #~# Meta has announced that Donald Trump’s Facebook and Instagram accounts will be reinstated, two years after he was suspended over incendiary posts about the Jan. 6 riot at the Capitol. What do you think?
Drop Box Outside National Archives Allows Ex-Presidents To Anonymously Return Classified Documents #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to encourage those who were in possession of sensitive items to bring them back as soon as possible, White House officials announced Friday that a new drop box outside the National Archives would allow former presidents to anonymously return classified documents. “Any past commander-in-chief who may have mistakenly taken home any files with classified markings may use this drop box to return them without judgment or repercussions,” said Debra Steidel Wall, acting archivist of the United States, who added that the box would be available 24/7 for any former leader of the country to stop by with records containing national security secrets and discreetly slide them through the slot. “We will check the box every day at noon to see if any former president or vice president has dropped off any U.S. intelligence memos, national defense plans, or information on top secret missions that they shouldn’t have taken with them after their term ended. The anonymous drop box will provide a way for top executive branch officials to return these items without facing any shame for having taken documents that could have caused exceptionally grave damage to our country.”  At press time, classified materials were reportedly being piled on top of the drop box, the inside of which had been crammed to capacity.  
U.S. Officials Announce Plans To Continue Pretending Brutal State-Sponsored Violence Not Supposed To Happen #~# WASHINGTON—Feigning shock and surprise over gruesome details about the murder of Tyre Nichols by Memphis Police, U.S. officials announced plans Friday to continue pretending brutal state-sponsored violence was not supposed to happen. “Today, as we deal with the fallout from the death of Tyre Nichols, myself and the highest officials in the American government pledge to keep acting like we don’t want our highly militarized police force to kill innocent civilians every day,” said President Joe Biden at a White House press conference, adding that he and his fellow elected officials would pretend to gasp, pray, and put on a big emotional show every time law enforcement carried out the exact murders against its own citizens they had both tacitly and publicly approved. “Although we’ll wipe away our tears and promise you that we’ll do everything in our power to make sure that senseless acts of violence like this never happen again, we do want to emphasize that this is the exact outcome we want. We’ll tout things like ‘reform,’ do our little investigations, and put a few police officers in jail, but come on. You’ll know we’re lying.” At press time, President Biden told reporters to get some extra photos of him looking sad, as they’ll need them in the upcoming months when the investigation into Memphis Police Department yields no changes whatsoever.
Dolphin Trained To Kill By U.S. Military In ’60s Now Lying Destitute In Street #~# SAN DIEGO—Remaining unhoused despite the brave sacrifices he made to keep America safe, sources reported Friday that Tinker, a local dolphin trained to kill by the U.S. military in the 1960s, was found lying destitute under a bridge downtown. “It’s really sad, after everything they went through in Vietnam, to see these dolphins neglected by the government that turned them into ruthless killing machines,” said marine mammal rights advocate Paula Redford, explaining that few benefits were available to such dolphins, though many lost fins or even noses protecting U.S. submarines from undersea mines. “Tinker here was drafted into the Navy and did two tours of duty in Cam Ranh Bay, where his sole mission was to identify and neutralize enemy swimmers trying to attack a vital ammunition pier. When he came back, he wasn’t the same, and he was soon dismissed from his job at SeaWorld for maiming a family of tourists. But Tinker was just doing what his government had taught him to do. Today, he continues to suffer flashbacks from the experimental hallucinogens he was administered in the MK-Ultra program, and as you can see from the pipe sticking out of his blowhole, he is addicted to crack.” Redford added that until someone helps them get off the street and into a habitable cove or aquarium, dolphins like Tinker would continue to sit wrapped in dirty blankets, clinking their tin cans and asking passersby for spare krill. 
Brain Surgeon Holds Little Mirror Behind Patient’s Head So She Can See How It Looking So Far #~# NEW YORK—Three hours into a craniotomy at New York–Presbyterian Hospital on Friday, brain surgeon James Roth reportedly held a small mirror up behind the patient’s head so she could see how the surgery was looking so far. “Do we love it?” asked the neurosurgeon, who used the handheld looking glass in tandem with a wall-mounted mirror to show brain injury victim Mary Sheehan where he had clipped the pesky aneurysm that had been bothering her, saying her blood circulation should be a lot more manageable now. “What do you think? You have a nice natural shape that really suits your skull, so I didn’t want to mess with that too much. Do you like your cerebrum long in the front? I can take a little more off the frontal lobe, but this is pretty much what you asked for, and looks just like that MRI of Jennifer Aniston you brought in.” At press time, Roth was seen sweeping up brain trimmings before his next patient arrived.
Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose An AP African American History Course #~# Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis recently blocked an Advanced Placement African American history course from public schools. The Onion asked conservatives why they oppose an AP African American history course, and this is what they said.
Expectant Couple Hoping For Human Baby #~# CONWAY, AR—Praying to be blessed with a child of the same species, expectant couple Steve and Molly Bevers told reporters Friday they were hoping for a human baby. “Fingers crossed that we get a Homo sapiens,” said Molly Bevers, claiming that while she and her husband would love the baby no matter what life-form it was, she’d always dreamt of having a human child. “We’ve already had a little dog, so it would be nice to have something different. To be honest, as long as it has opposable thumbs, a large brain case, and is bipedal, I’ll be happy.” At press time, the ultrasound confirmed the couple was having a Neanderthal.
Justin Bieber Sells Rights To Music Catalog For $200 Million #~# Pop star Justin Bieber has sold the rights to his music to Blackstone-backed Hipgnosis Songs Capital for $200 million, making the 28-year-old “Baby” and “Love Yourself” artist one of the youngest superstars to cash in on his life’s work. What do you think?
Trump Returns To Facebook After 2 Years To Find Everyone Engaged And Having Babies #~# PALM  BEACH, FL—Wistfully remarking how things had changed since he left the  social media site two years ago, former President Donald Trump reportedly returned to  Facebook Thursday to find everyone engaged and having babies. “Oh wow,  Kevin and Kim had a cute little kid after all those years of trying—good for them,” said Trump, scrolling with surprise through the  profiles of once-single friends to discover dozens of  wedding and birth pictures, all of which he liked or commented on. “Patricia  thought she’d never come back from that divorce, but look at this: She’s married again! She seems really happy, too. And Arnie lost a  lot of weight. Boy, I can’t believe I fell out of touch with some of  these people. Oh look, one of those videos where they feed miniature  snacks to a guinea pig.” Trump went on to chuckle and comment that “the  more things change, the more they stay the same” after catching sight of a  post from his high school friend who was still trying to get an online  bead store off the ground.
Police Urge Calm In Light Of Unspeakable Evil They Committed #~# MEMPHIS, TN—In an attempt to quell public outrage over the upcoming release of body-cam footage showing the deadly beating of Tyre Nichols by five of its officers, the Memphis Police Department continued to urge calm Thursday in light of the unspeakable evil they had committed. “I understand that this heinous atrocity beyond the comprehension of anyone with a shred of basic human decency might be upsetting to some, but we are asking everyone to please maintain their composure,” said police chief Cerelyn Davis, explaining that while it was regrettable that officers were mercilessly slaughtering innocents in the streets with complete disregard for their humanity, it was no excuse for causing a big commotion. “This barbaric instance of malice and savagery need not inspire uproar. I pray that cooler heads prevail during this time of unending death and misery being inflicted upon the powerless masses.” Davis went on to insist that any sign of unrest would only give the forces of unconscionable evil an excuse to impose even more wanton suffering on those who have no choice but to endure it.
Pope Francis Declares Nothing Wrong With Guy Giving Buddy Tug Job After Few Drinks #~# VATICAN CITY—In a progressive step forward for the Catholic Church, Pope Francis declared Thursday that there was nothing wrong with a guy giving his buddy a tug job after a few drinks. “We are all children of God, and sometimes those children start feeling lonely after happy hour and one thing leads to another,” said Francis, whose remarks about any sexual acts that might theoretically occur in a pickup truck outside Ruby Tuesday were hailed by LGBTQ groups as “confusing but encouraging.” “It’s not a crime if you’re both a bit tipsy and your friend unzips his pants. Male or female, God views all hands equally. What happens, happens, as long as you never speak about the moment ever again. It’s still a sin, of course. Just say a Hail Mary afterward and you’re good to go.” At press time, Francis added that Catholics could choose not to oblige a buddy, but they should understand that doing so would seriously leave their friend in the lurch.
Man Doing ‘Dry January’ Feels Like He’s Been Abusing Family Way Less #~# WOOSTER, OH—Noting that the self-imposed period of sobriety had given him a new lease on life, local man Jeremy Thatcher told reporters Thursday that doing “Dry January” made him feel like he had been abusing his family way less. “Ever since I stopped drinking booze this month, I’ve noticed I’ve generally had way less of an impulse to go out, come home late at night, and beat the living shit out of everyone I love,” said Thatcher, adding that while the hiatus from drinking was hard, it was impossible to deny that he felt happier, looked healthier, and seemed to have greatly reduced the number of times per day that he physically and emotionally terrorized his wife and two young children. “Physically, I feel better because my knuckles almost never bleed. Financially, I save a ton of money because I’m not kicking down doors, punching holes through walls, or setting the couch on fire. And mentally, I almost always sleep through the night now because no one is crying or calling the police. Come Feb. 1, I’ll almost be sad to start drinking again.” At press time, Thatcher could not be reached for comment, as he had declared that day a cheat day and gone on a massive all-night family-beating bender.
Trump, Biden, Pence, Probably Fucking Dan Quayle At This Point, And Classified Documents: What You Need To Know #~# The recent discoveries of classified documents at the homes of President Joe Biden and former Vice President Mike Pence, coming on the heels of the FBI’s seizure of classified documents from former President Donald Trump’s residence in August 2022, have raised numerous ethical and political questions. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the presence of classified documents in officials’ homes.
Man Buys Slice Of Honey-Roasted Ham For Attractive Woman At Other End Of Deli Counter #~# DAYTON,  OH—In an effort to extend his compliments to the alluring shopper after  she caught his eye, local man Andrew Williamson reportedly bought a  slice of honey-roasted ham Thursday for the attractive woman at the  other end of the deli counter. “This was sent from the gentleman  standing over by the hot bar,” said deli worker Hank Miller, placing the  single slice of ham down in front of the beautiful woman, who  discretely glanced over to find her mysterious benefactor winking  before taking a long bite of pastrami. “He wanted me to tell you that  you have a beautiful smile and he felt you looked simply dazzling in  your Tweety Bird pajama pants. If you feel like talking, he left his  deli number with me.” At press time, the woman had seductively licked  the ham grease off her fingers before approaching the man to say thank  you.
Water From Splash Mountain Selling For Up To $1,000 On eBay After Ride Closes #~# People are selling water they claim is from Disney World’s Splash Mountain ride for as much as $1,000 after the ride based on the racist 1946 film Song of the South closed for good this week. What do you think?
Things To Never Google After You Commit A Crime #~# If you’re suspected of a crime, one of the first places the authorities will search is your online history. If you’re under investigation, never google the following things.
Overhauled Foster Care System Now Drops Off Children In Dark Alley #~# JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Grappling with the effects of severe underfunding, the Missouri Department of Social Services confirmed Thursday that the state’s overhauled foster care system would now drop off children in a dark alley. “Our department’s entire Children’s Division  has been replaced with a large van that we fling kids out of,” said spokeswoman Anna Garr, who noted that officials had used the remainder of their dwindling budget to buy a 2009 GMC Savana off Craigslist and cover the salaries of two employees, one to drive and one to toss the children. “From now on, when the Department of Social Services receives a tip that a child may be experiencing neglect, our caseworkers will arrive in the night to transport the child to the nearest glass-strewn gritty alley. We’ve heard some concern that we’re not doing our due diligence when it comes to vetting these alleys before flinging the children into them, but you have to understand that our resources are stretched thin. We always choose one with a decent dumpster.” At press time, Garr added that the overhauled system’s abuse rates were already way down. 
Biden Impregnates Popular Musician In Effort To Boost Approval Numbers #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to appeal to a broader audience of both Millennial and Gen Z voters, President Joe Biden reportedly impregnated a popular musician Thursday in order to boost his approval ratings. “Today, the 46th president of the United States Joe Biden is delighted to announce that he conceived a child with singer-songwriter Dua Lipa,” said White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who added that the 27-year-old’s diverse fan base, as well as her hit singles “Electricity,” “Levitating,” and “One Kiss” made her the perfect candidate to sire a child with the 80-year-old. “I want to assure you that Joe Biden did not take this decision lightly and considered several other highly qualified candidates, including Lana Del Rey, Olivia Rodrigo, and Megan Thee Stallion. But in the end, Dua Lipa and the president could not be more excited about their son, Jaxton Lipa Biden. Plus, his approval rating has already jumped up five points to a whopping 45%.” At press time, Biden was under fire for nepotism after news broke that he had briefly considered impregnating his granddaughter.
Doomsday Clock Moves 10 Seconds Closer To Midnight #~# The Doomsday Clock has been moved forward to 90 seconds to midnight, the closest the metaphorical clock has ever been to signaling imminent human-caused catastrophe. What do you think?
Google Employees React To Company Layoffs #~# After Google recently cut 12,000 jobs, The Onion asked the former employees what they thought about the tech company’s layoffs.
Phrase ‘Footloose And Fancy Free’ Makes Sudden, Confusing Return To Woman’s Vocabulary During First Date #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—In a shocking development that came mere minutes into sitting down with the prospective partner at a regional coffee shop, the phrase “footloose and fancy free” made a sudden and confusing return to local woman Tara Waldman’s vocabulary during a first date, sources reported Wednesday. “Oh my God, where the hell did that come from? Footloose and fancy free—I barely even know what that means,” Waldman reportedly thought moments after the baffling phrase escaped her lips in response to the question of what she did for fun. “I actually said the words ‘I keep things footloose and fancy free on the weekends’?  What the fuck is that? I was like five sentences into the date, too, so he’s going to think it’s my thing, even though I don’t think I’ve said those words together since I was 8 years old. And why did I do a weird little thing with my hands when I said it? Oh no! I just said it again!” At press time, Waldman confirmed that she would get the date under control by saying something normal about always wanting to do the “ol’ 23 skidoo” from work.
Obituary Clearly Just Copied From Wikipedia Article On Genghis Khan #~# FOND DU LAC, WI—Questioning the accuracy of a recent article in the local newspaper, friends and neighbors of late Fond du Lac resident Garry Park, 74, reportedly took issue with The Reporter Wednesday after surmising that Park’s obituary was clearly copied from the Wikipedia article on Genghis Khan. “For starters, it says right here that Garry was born in 1162 in the Khentii Mountains,” said longtime neighbor Deborah Higgins, 68, who claimed Park had barely ever left Wisconsin, as far as she knew, let alone “held control over much of central and northeast Asia.” “Sure, he was a husband and father, that part’s okay, but cripes, he never mentioned having 16 million living male descendants, at least not to me. And he was married to Bev, not Börte, Yesugen, Yesui, Khulan Khatun, Möge Khatun, Juerbiesu, and Ibaqa Beki. Unless that was before they moved to Fond du Lac back in ’71? But I thought Bev and him were high school sweethearts.” At press time, Higgins expressed skepticism about Park conquering the Silk Road and still having time to bowl a 170 average in the Tuesday league at Ledgeview Lanes.
Tucker Carlson Slams Woke Replacement Of Manly News Anchors With Shrieking Identity-Obsessed Losers #~# WASHINGTON—Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson  continued his crusade against the nation’s ongoing political and cultural crises Tuesday night when he reportedly slammed the woke replacement of manly news anchors with shrieking identity-obsessed losers. “What has happened to this country? When we turn on our televisions, instead of the serious men with baritone voices who used to tell Americans the real news, all we see now are these identity-obsessed freaks always screeching about the latest cultural fight,” Carlson said during a lengthy tirade against a decades-long decline driven by unknown and likely malevolent forces that supplanted sober newscasters like Walter Cronkite and Edward R. Murrow with bitter, effete men who eschew actual reporting in favor of whining about bizarre social grievances. “The wokes are at it again, folks. There is a war on masculinity and the truth in America, and it’s being led by these weak, shrill pundits who shy away from actually confronting real events that shape our world because they’d rather gripe and moan about some corporate mascot that doesn’t cater to their specific identity or some social media user who didn’t use their preferred language. These are fragile, fragile personalities, basically freaks, and a far cry from the virile, red-blooded American newscasters of our better years. Nothing will ever satisfy these people, because they’re not remotely interested in being satisfied—they need to have everything exactly their way, and if it’s not, they’ll spend an entire hour of primetime television complaining about it.” Carlson then reportedly urged viewers to resist the woke corporations and multinational news conglomerates foisting these shrieking identity-obsessed losers on them, and to resort to violence if necessary. 
Children Gather At Edge Of Playground To Watch As Self-Driving Tesla Repeatedly Rams Into Fence #~# CHICAGO—Enthralled by the sight of the 4,000-pound vehicle straining with all its might to break through to them, a group of children had reportedly gathered at the edge of a school playground Wednesday to watch as a self-driving Tesla repeatedly rammed into the fence. “It’s been doing it for, like, 20 minutes straight,” said 10-year-old Alexis Powell, who was among the approximately 30 students who stood just out of reach of the bloodthirsty and determined Tesla Model X. “It was driving along normal but then made a beeline for the playground as soon as it saw us. One kid stuck his finger through earlier, and it was instantly crushed! You can tell it wants in here real bad.” At press time, sources said the students had been called back inside by their teacher, who scolded them for taunting the Tesla by standing so close.
Pizza Hut Sets New Guinness World Record For Largest Pizza #~# Pizza Hut has broken the world record for the world’s largest pizza, making a nearly 14,000 square-foot New York-style pizza capable of serving 68,000 slices. What do you think?
Everything Jair Bolsonaro Has Done While In Exile In Orlando #~# Far-right Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro fled to the United States after leading an unsuccessful campaign to overturn the results of the presidential last election. Here is everything Bolsonaro has done while in exile in Orlando, FL.
Biden Claps In Amazement After FBI Agent Pulls Classified Document From Behind His Ear #~# WASHINGTON—Cheering  for the incredible sleight-of-hand on display, President Joe Biden reportedly clapped in amazement Tuesday after an FBI agent pulled a  document marked “top secret” from behind his ear. “Whoa-ho-ho! How the  heck did you do that, man?” said the commander-in-chief, who appeared to beam with  delight as the agent pretended to sneeze a federal warrant  out of his left nostril, allowing him to search Biden for multiple  violations of the Presidential Records Act. “I’m serious! I’ve got no  idea how you made it look so real! Christ, I wasn’t expecting anything  like that in a million years. C’mon, let me see it again!” At press  time, sources confirmed the federal officer had responded to the president’s  calls for an encore by pulling a pair of handcuffs  from his sleeve.
Biologists Torture Amoeba For Information On Where Life Came From #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following orders to obtain vital scientific knowledge through any means necessary, a team of biologists at Harvard University tortured an amoeba in an attempt to extract information on where life came from, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You fuckers have been on this planet for 750 million years, and you want me to believe there’s nothing in that little nucleus of yours about how life originated?” said lead researcher and microbiologist Hammond Paulisack, who operated the lab in which the amoeba was placed in stress positions by chaining its pseudopods behind its cell membrane and was force-fed with a micropipette that pumped algae down its food vacuole. “Was it an asteroid? Huh? Or was it God? Look, buddy, we can do this the easy way or we can do it by plasma-boarding. Your choice.” After refusing to say life was anything more than the byproduct of a chemical accident that produced self-replicating proteins, the amoeba was reportedly locked alone in a darkened petri dish with the same Marilyn Manson song playing on repeat. 
Astronaut Buzz Aldrin Marries Longtime Hallucination Of Sexy Space Babe #~# LOS ANGELES—In a small, private ceremony held in the most severely atrophied reaches of his mind, Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin celebrated his 93rd birthday last week by marrying his longtime hallucination of a sexy space babe. “The first time I laid eyes on her she was posing all sexy in a space bikini right outside a window of the lunar module, and from that moment on, I just couldn’t resist,” said the second man to walk on the moon, describing his new space wife’s moon-dappled complexion, her silver-streaked hair like the tail of a comet, and her eight humongous breasts. “Let’s just say we used to kick up a little moondust from time to time down in those craters, if you catch my drift. She’s 63,000 years old, but I’ll be damned if she looks a day over 18. I’m a pretty traditional guy, so before asking for her hand in marriage, I traveled to the Andromeda galaxy to seek the permission of her father, Emperor Kron the Merciless, who is the eternal ruler of a star cluster out that way.” Aldrin went on to describe how, in the decades since they first met, his hot space lady had transcended her corporeal form and now mostly floated over his shoulder telling him to punch people in the face.
School Resource Officer Has Personalized Chokeslam For Every Student #~# OMAHA, NE—In effort to provide each student with specialized attention, local school resource officer Tony Wahl confirmed Tuesday that he had a personalized chokeslam for everyone at Benson Magnet High School. “They love it,” said Wahl, pounding a fist into an open hand as he waited at the door for the line of students to enter the school, where he would greet every child independently with a series of wallops and beatings tailored to each individual’s personal weaknesses. “I like to start the day by shaking, throttling, or punching each kid in a distinctive manner, to let them know they’re all unique in the ways that they’re little pieces of shit. Despite the school having more than 1,500 students, no two are tased in the same place, for instance, because their vulnerable points are not one-size-fits-all. Each child’s windpipe has a different shape, and those differences should all be celebrated with a customized grip. We authority figures have a duty to dehumanize every student in a way that reflects their special shortcomings.” At press time, Wahl had been criticized for mixing up the designated chokeslams of the only two Asian students at the school.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# HALF MOON BAY, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed seven individuals and injured one other, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said New Hampshire resident Lisa Martin, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Report: Minority Of Murders Committed By Someone Victim Didn’t Know, But Could Have If They Had Gone Out And Socialized More #~# WASHINGTON—A new report released Tuesday by the Department of Justice found that the minority of murders in the U.S. were committed by someone the victim didn’t know, but could have if they had gone out and socialized more. “One out of 10 murder victims were most likely killed by a complete stranger because the victim stayed at home most nights, never really making the effort to go to a party or a bar with friends to mingle and meet new people,” said Dennis Rand, coauthor of the report, explaining the National Crime Survey data showed that if the victims had just overcome their own inhibitions that kept them trapped in their own little worlds, and instead, put themselves out there every once in a while, they could have been murdered by a friend, or at the very least, an acquaintance they saw at the occasional barbecue or summer soccer league game—if they had ever joined in the first place, which they didn’t. “Sadly, 10% of those murdered were killed by someone who didn’t know their name, and, frankly, was only aware of their existence long enough to kill them. The minority of murder victims died sad and alone at the hands of an unknown assailant, when all it would have taken for them to be killed by someone they knew and possibly cared for was the audacity to participate in the world as a human being, which, for all they know, could have led to not only knowing their killer, but a meaningful relationship that helped them grow as people—hell, who knows? It may have even led to something greater, possibly even knowing their killer on the most intimate level as ‘husband’ or ‘wife.’” Rand added that it was all the missed opportunities to open themselves up and know the person, who would kill them, that really made him feel sad for the victims. 
‘I Love That It Has Pockets,’ Says Woman Showing Off New Boyfriend #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Appearing pleased  and presenting the new acquisition with a twirl, local woman Nelly Winters was overheard saying “I love that it has pockets” to a group of friends Tuesday as she showed off her new boyfriend. “I know it’s not my usual style, but it does have four pockets around the waist and this extra one up here over the breast,” said the 25-year-old, pointing out the features on her boyfriend and boasting of how much stuff she’d be able to carry around when she brought it out with her. “I’ve been looking for something like it for ages, and I finally settled on this one that I found online. You guys can borrow it anytime you want. It’ll probably only last me a year or so—it’s pretty cheap.” At press time, Winters had reportedly acknowledged the boyfriend would be more useful if its pockets were deeper.     
Sailor Survives 24 Days At Sea Eating Only Ketchup, Seasonings #~# Dominican sailor Elvis Francois was rescued by the Colombian navy after he says his sailboat was swept off to sea while making repairs, surviving the 24-day ordeal by eating only a bottle of ketchup and some seasonings. What do you think?
Wealthy Family Sent Little Life Update On Senator They’re Sponsoring #~# DARIEN, CT—Members of the wealthy Allerton family reportedly read their mail with excitement Tuesday after they were sent a little life update on a senator they have sponsored for the past several years.  “Thom is doing just great in the Senate—he’s made a lot of friends, and  he even recently co-sponsored a bill, none of which would have been possible without your generous donation,” read the letter, one of many  that Richard and Ellen Allerton have received every few months since  they found it in their hearts to start sponsoring Thom Tillis, a North  Carolina man who dreamed of becoming a senator, in 2014. “Enclosed, as  always, is Thom’s latest congressional portrait. Doesn’t he look great?  We’re happy to report that Thom is healthy, happy, and loves his friends  on the Committee on Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs. As you know,  it gets cold in D.C. during these winter months, but Thom is staying  warm with those Armani suits and that down parka  your sponsorship  enabled him to buy. His speeches are getting better every day, and we’ve  also heard that he’s met a nice mistress. We thank you for your  contributions and encourage you to even consider increasing the amount  you send Thom each month, as this money goes a long way toward helping  him pass all that pro-business and pro-Israel legislation you like.” According to sources, the   Allerton family was also delighted to receive a handwritten note from  the senator they’re sponsoring that read “Thank you so much—you make me smile!” and included an adorable crayon drawing of the Capitol building.
Conservatives Defend Their Right To Have Gas Stoves #~# Recently, a member of the Consumer Product Safety Commission suggested in an interview that gas stoves could be banned, setting off a firestorm in ring-wing circles that continued even after the federal agency clarified that no such plan was in the works. The Onion asked conservatives how they would feel if a ban were implemented, and this is what they said.
Florida Bans African American Studies Course #~# Florida is barring high school students from taking a new advanced placement course on African American studies, claiming the lessons run “contrary” to state law and that it “significantly lacks educational value.” What do you think?
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# MONTEREY PARK, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed  10 individuals and injured 10 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Alabama resident John Duncan, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Parents Promise Children That Divorce Won’t Prevent Them From Drunkenly Hooking Up On Occasion #~# POCATELLO, ID—Promising that some things about their family would never change, local parents Laney and Graham Porter told their children Monday that their divorce wouldn’t prevent them from drunkenly hooking up on occasion. “Kids, I know you’re sad that I won’t be living here anymore, but that doesn’t mean I won’t sometimes stop by at three in the morning and kill a couple bottles of wine with your mom, going upstairs with her for sad, desperate sex in the bed we used to share,” said Graham Porter, who explained that the former couple’s ongoing dysfunctional attachment to each other would always come first, ensuring that every now and then they would still get together for brief, intoxicated, and ultimately unsatisfying sexual encounters. “Your mom and I love you very much, and both of us will continue to be there for special occasions like your birthdays and graduations, where we’ll deal with the stress of seeing each other in a social setting by having far too much to drink, getting into a blowout fight, and then disappearing into the nearest bathroom or closet for some of the most emotionally fucked-up sex you could ever imagine. That’s a promise.” The parents went on to say that while they would eventually start dating other people, their inability to form healthy relationships would always lead them to sabotage things once they got serious, probably by cheating on their new partners with each other.
Favorite Pizza Topping In Every State #~# Americans across the country just love to cram pizza into their gaping maws. The Onion examines the most popular pizza topping in each state.
New Pediatric Guidelines Recommend Obese Children Compensate With Personality #~# ITASCA, IL—In an effort to better mitigate the effects of the chronic disease, the American Academy of Pediatrics issued new guidelines Monday recommending that children affected by obesity compensate with their personality. “Today, there are over 14 million children in the United States suffering from obesity, and their primary care physicians should encourage them to start developing a larger-than-life personality as soon as possible,” said AAP board member Moira A. Szilagyi, who noted that obese children as young as 12 should set their sights immediately on winning superlatives such as “class clown” or “most school spirit.” “Even small changes, like being 10% brassier in your day-to-day interactions, can make a world of difference. Health care providers should help these children brainstorm a list of potential catchphrases and adopt irreverent nicknames like ‘Dump Truck.’ Plus, working on your physical comedy skills, like slapping your belly, is a fun activity the whole family can enjoy.” At press time, the academy was facing backlash from critics who argued the best approach was for these children to become wallflowers.
Husband Pledges To Stay Sober For 1 Or 2 Weeks While Wife Pregnant #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Wanting to provide his wife with the support she needed during this time, father-to-be Trey McCaffrey told reporters Monday that he had pledged to stay sober for one or two weeks while his wife was pregnant. “If my wife isn’t going to drink for nine months, then as a show of solidarity I’m going to abstain from alcohol too for maybe 10 days or so,” said McCaffrey, adding that he would do anything for his wife and future child, even if it meant he couldn’t drink or smoke weed for up to 5% of the time that she would also be refraining from these substances. “I want to do what’s best for the family we’re making together, and how hard is it to go a week or two sober? It’s the least I can do, really. Besides, I’m still fairly sober after my first or second drink, so it’s not like I won’t be able to have a beer or glass of wine here or there. The only real exception I’d make is if we went to a party or something, but that’s social drinking, which is totally different.” At press time, McCaffrey confirmed his decision to stay sober for “a full 14 days,” while stipulating that he would still be getting completely shitfaced every night.
Black Man Unaware That Book He's Reading First Step Toward Eventually Being Assassinated By FBI #~# PHILADELPHIA—As he thumbed through the pages of a book that caught his eye at a local library, sources reported Monday that area Black man Jaylen Todd was unaware his selection of the title was the first in a series of fateful steps that would end in his assassination by the FBI. “Huh, this seems pretty interesting—I don’t know if I’m going to like it, but I’m curious enough to read more and find out what it has to say,” the 28-year-old reportedly thought to himself, having no idea his interest in the book’s subject would eventually prompt the FBI to open a file on him, track his movements, tap his phone, attempt to blackmail him, and, after several years, secretly hire a mercenary to gun him down in the street. “Who knows, maybe it’ll even turn out to be enlightening. I’m not expecting it to change my life or anything, but I’m sure to get something positive out of it.” At press time, Todd was said to remain unaware that one day he would lie bleeding out in a public square, clutching at the bullet wound in his chest and wishing he had just left The Very Hungry Caterpillar on the shelf. 
Alec Baldwin Charged With Manslaughter #~# Oscar-nominated actor Alec Baldwin will be charged with involuntary manslaughter in the fatal shooting of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins, whom he killed while rehearsing with a pistol on the New Mexico set of the Western movie Rust. What do you think?
Referee Can’t Help But Grin While Calling Penalty To Bring Back Huge Gain #~# BUFFALO, NY—Reached for comment on his experience officiating the NFL divisional round playoff game between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Buffalo Bills, referee Clay Martin told reporters Sunday that he couldn’t help but grin while calling a penalty to bring back a huge gain. “I have to admit, watching those players cavalierly celebrating what they think is a 43-yard pickup, all the while knowing I’m about to toss my flag and wipe that gain right off the board, I couldn’t help but crack a smile,” said Martin, who was observed on television cameras attempting to stifle his laughter after throwing a penalty flag that turned a massive third-down conversion into a ten-yard loss for an offensive holding call. “It’s especially fun when you get to throw the flag right near the guys when they start celebrating and making first-down signals, then watching as the wind goes right out of their sails and they have to make the long walk back downfield. Sometimes they get really mad and start yelling, which we officials all honestly find hilarious. The best part is that I didn’t call holding penalties all the other times they occurred—I waited and bided my time until the penalty would cause maximum frustration to the players and the fans. Man, I love it when the fans get upset.” Later in the game, the officials were seen smiling and giving each other high-fives after a questionable defensive pass interference call allowed the offense to move 57 yards down the field.
Onion Sports’ NFL Divisional Round Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Divisional Round.
New Zealand Prime Minister Resigns Citing Burnout #~# New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, who gained international praise for her adept response to the nation’s worst mass shooting and pandemic, will step down, saying she no longer had “enough in the tank” to do the job justice. What do you think?
Alito, Thomas Share Laugh After Discovering They Both Leaked Dobbs Decision #~# WASHINGTON—Pointing at each other and shouting as huge grins formed on their faces, Supreme Court Justices Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas shared a long laugh this week after discovering they had both leaked the decision in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization. “Wait, you leaked the Dobbs majority opinion to Politico back in May? But I leaked the Dobbs majority opinion to Politico back in May!” said Alito, who, through sharp gasps between raucous belly laughs, added how uncanny it was that they both—on the exact same day—posed as an aide, leaked the exact same draft of an upcoming opinion overturning Roe v. Wade, and then tried to pin it on the exact same unspecified clerks when allegations came to light. “Seriously, what are the odds?  Plus, neither of us have even gotten close to getting caught. Wait. You’re going to blackmail me? I’m going to blackmail you! Twinsies!” After simultaneously wiping away tears of joy and agreeing to get a beer, Alito and Thomas both acknowledged that they should have known they leaked the same decision after they both harassed the same aides.
LAPD Arrests Dozens Of Homeless Residents Found Squatting In Shelter #~# LOS ANGELES—Maintaining that the suspects were clearly trespassing on city property, the Los Angeles Police Department arrested dozens of homeless residents  found squatting in a shelter Thursday. “Today, the LAPD received multiple tips indicating that unhoused individuals were endangering the community by illegally squatting within a homeless shelter,“ said police Chief Michel Moore, adding that concerned neighbors had complained about people sleeping, eating, and even bathing in the shelter, often for days at a time. “On multiple occasions prior to their arrest, shelter occupants were asked to show their permits, and every single one of them came up empty-handed. Thank goodness we intervened, because many of them were caught stealing soup, clothes, and shoes provided by a volunteer-run charity.” At press time, all individuals in question had been charged with trespassing, and police were spotted lining the homeless shelter with iron bars, large rocks, and steel spikes.
Study: Majority Of NFL Owners Wouldn’t Let Their Children Purchase Football Team #~# BOSTON—As concerns about the long-term consequences of NFL participation continue to grow, a new study released Friday found that a majority of NFL owners wouldn’t let their children purchase a football team. “It was a different time when I bought my way into the NFL, but knowing what we know now, there’s no way in hell I’d let my son do the same,” said Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie, who was among the 72% of NFL owners interviewed for the Boston University study who, citing the risks, expressed significant reservations about one of their own children owning a football franchise. “Back when I bought the team, we just didn’t know about the types of fines you can get as an owner in this league and how those can affect you long-term, never mind what we’ve learned about concussion lawsuits. It can be life-changing when they fine you $500,000, and I couldn’t in good conscience let my son or daughter anywhere near that kind of risk.” Another participant in the study, Las Vegas Raiders owner Mark Davis, revealed to the researchers that his father, former owner Al Davis, actually died from a complete lack of empathy he sustained as a result of owning a football team for decades.
Concerning Study Finds 1 In 10 Americans Lack Access To Adequate Food Eating Challenges #~# CHICAGO—According to a new study released Friday by researchers at the University of Chicago, 1 in 10 Americans lack access to adequate food eating challenges. “It is a disgrace that in a nation as wealthy as the United States, millions of people across the country do not know where their next 5-pound hamburger is coming from,” said study co-author Dennis Rose, who noted that even with the rise of school programs that offered all students free 72-ounce steaks and gallon milkshakes, many U.S. families were still struggling to put ghost pepper wings on the table. “There are countless small children who will never know the feeling of being so full they throw up a dozen gyros right there on the spot. We found that 1 in 5 children from urban households have never had the opportunity to dunk a hot dog bun in water while consuming as many hot dogs as possible in 10 minutes. There are multiple major cities that lack even a basic pie eating contest within city limits.” At press time, Rose added that less than 10% of free t-shirt winners in the U.S. were people of color.
Cautious Rock Climber Cuts Off Arm To Prevent It From Getting Pinned Underneath Fallen Boulder #~# MONTICELLO, UT—Repeating the old adage that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, cautious rock climber Mitchell Bradford reportedly cut off his arm Friday to prevent it from getting pinned beneath any falling boulders. “Safety comes first, and when you amputate an arm before a big climb, you can be 100% certain that arm won’t be crushed by a massive rock,” said Bradford, who in order to prepare for his ascent tore into his flesh with a hacksaw that dangled from a carabiner on his climbing harness and dropped his severed limb at the base of the mountain. “Things could turn bad pretty quickly if a slab of that sandstone came tumbling down. You hope it never happens, but you take the precaution so you don’t have to worry about losing your arm in an accident.” At press time, sources confirmed Bradford had realized he was dead wrong after he narrowly survived an avalanche and looked down to see his sawed-off arm buried under several tons of rubble.
Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’ #~# Dry January is a monthlong challenge during which participants are encouraged to remain sober to improve their “health” and promote “responsible drinking habits.” Should you know someone insane enough to try it, never say these things.
China’s Population Drops For First Time In Decades #~# China has recorded its first population decline since the late 1950s, the result of restrictive population planning measures that could stifle growth in the world’s second largest economy for decades. What do you think?
Aaron Rodgers To Decide Future By Consulting With Coven Of Trusted Witches #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Following a disappointing season in which his team finished with a losing record and failed to make the postseason, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Thursday that he would decide his future career plans by consulting with a coven of his trusted witches. “I need to take some time and consider what’s best for me, whether that’s returning to the Packers, looking for a trade, or even retirement, and I can’t make that decision without input from the tight circle of omnipotent sorceresses who know me best,” Rodgers said of the group of 8,000-year-old crones with whom he will spend  several weeks in an undisclosed, uninhabited marsh as they read the entrails of sacrificed animals to divine his fate. “We’ll be gathering during the first blood moon, which is the ideal time for them to peer into the crystals and see into the different futures I would experience if I requested a trade to the Raiders, Jets, or Colts, or tried to move into the broadcast booth. I don’t want to make this decision lightly, so I really want to take my time with Emelda and Hexe, going through all the incantations that will help me settle on a course of action. I’m just really glad I have my coven of witches to help me decide. Not only have they been with me since the beginning of my career, but they also created me.” At press time, Packers general manager Brian Gutekunst reportedly awoke tied up in a mysterious chamber as a croaking old female voice asked him whether he was prepared to convince Rodgers to return for another season as the team’s quarterback by sacrificing backup Jordan Love.
YouTube Speedrunner Becomes Full-Blown Fascist In Record Time #~# RUTLAND, VT—After he clicked at blinding speed through recommended videos touting election conspiracy theories, holocaust denial, and outright ethnic cleansing, sources confirmed Thursday that local YouTube speedrunner James Flannery had become a full-blown fascist in record time. According to reports, the speedrun, which took only three minutes and four seconds, began when Flannery opened the video-streaming platform, watched a neutral, 10-second news clip, and then immediately clicked through over 80 pieces of algorithm-suggested content made by various extremist influencers, many with titles like “The Truth About Grooming,” “Why The Aryan Bloodline Matters,” and “The Dangers Of Female Consent.” Though Flannery came in with far more moderate political beliefs than his competition, sources said that by the 30-second mark, he had already begun publicly advocating for genocide, slavery, and eugenics; spent over $10,000 on Patreon memberships, dietary supplements, and black-market erectile dysfunction drugs; and given himself several prominent neo-Nazi tattoos. At press time, Flannery could not be reached for comment, but livestream footage showed him opening his laptop, beginning a second YouTube speedrun, and immediately getting arrested for possession of child pornography. 
Parents Feel Safer Letting Kids Drink And Drive Under Their Roof #~# ASTORIA, OREGON—In an effort to help their children form a healthy relationship with alcohol, local parents Jim and Laurie Eustis told reporters Thursday that they felt safer letting their kids drink and drive under their own roof. “If they’re going to recklessly weave their car in and out of traffic going 90 miles per hours, I’d rather they do it in the confines of our own home, where I can at least keep an eye on them,” said mother Laurie Eustis, adding that the kids were going to do it anyway, so they might as well ram their car straight into the wall of their basement rec room. “It’s just easier to control how many people they hit with their vehicle if we’re there to monitor it. This way they can learn how to responsibly mow down a bunch of mailboxes with their friends before throwing up all over the backseat while in a safe space.” Eustis went on to state that her kids had been lucky to be in the safety of their own home last month when they got drunk and drove into the swimming pool.
What To Say If You See A Coworker On Tinder #~# Coworkers should never be seen outside of work, and especially not on dating apps. If you have the misfortune of encountering a fellow employee on Tinder, here is what you should say.
Man Who Donated Sperm 25 Years Ago Contacted By Young Man Claiming To Be Guy Who Drank All His Sperm #~# ODESSA, TX—Shocked by the stranger on his doorstep purporting to share an intimate connection with him, local 63-year-old Mark Sanderson, who donated sperm on numerous occasions 25 years ago, was reportedly visited Thursday by a young man claiming to be the guy who drank all his sperm. “I know this may be a little overwhelming, especially since your donations to the sperm bank were supposed to be anonymous, but I just had to meet the man responsible for all that semen I swallowed,” said Nick Hinsdale, explaining how years earlier he had purchased several vials of sperm from a fertility clinic and consumed it for his own gratification. “As I was lapping up the last few drops, I started to have questions, like, where did all this jizz come from? I decided to save just enough sperm for a DNA test, sent the results to one of those genealogy websites, and last week I finally got a match. My God, I’ve been waiting for this day for so long! I realize it may take some time to process all this, but there’s actually a pretty big group of us all over the country who have drunk your sperm and stay in touch on Facebook. I have so many questions for you, starting with whether you’d mind if I slurped down some more of your cum.” At press time, sources reported that Sanderson had called the police.
U.S. Cancer Death Rates Fall 33% Since 1991 #~# According to a new report from the American Cancer Society, the rate of people dying from cancer in the United States has declined 33% since 1991, the trend being attributed to early detection, lower rates of smoking, and advancements in treatment. What do you think?
What To Know About ChatGPT #~# The artificially intelligent chatbot ChatGPT has recently taken the internet by storm, with both praise and concern for its capability to mimic human writing. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about ChatGPT.
Failed GOP Candidate Arrested In Shootings Targeting Elected Democrats #~# Police arrested Solomon Peña, a former Republican candidate for New Mexico’s legislature, on suspicion of orchestrating recent shootings that damaged homes of Democratic elected leaders in the state. What do you think?
Golden State Warriors Present Kamala Harris With Blank Jersey #~# WASHINGTON—Honoring the vice president during their visit to the White House, the NBA champion Golden State Warriors presented Kamala Harris Tuesday with a blank jersey, according to sources in attendance at the ceremony. “Oh yeah, I almost forgot—I’m supposed to give this to Camilla?” said Warriors rookie shooting guard Ryan Rollins, pulling out a numberless, wadded-up jersey that an aide took and gave to Harris as star players Stephen Curry and Draymond Green chatted with President Biden. “Yeah, that’s for you, I guess. It’s been worn a few times, but you’re welcome to it. Maybe if you have a favorite player, you can write his number on there. It’s up to you, really. We don’t have a signed game ball for you, but we would like to present you with this Dick’s Sporting Goods gift card, which you can use at any location to purchase a regular basketball.” At press time, reports confirmed Harris had worn the wrinkled jersey around the West Wing for the rest of the day but no one commented on it or appeared even to notice.
More Companies Cutting Costs By Replacing CEOs With Prison Labor #~# WASHINGTON—As businesses prepare for a looming economic recession, a government report released Wednesday found that more companies have chosen to cut costs by replacing CEOs with prison labor. “As firms both large and small seek to rein in expenditures, one increasingly common strategy is to replace the high-salaried chief executive and other C-suite occupants with much cheaper incarcerated laborers,” stated the report by the Bureau of Justice Statistics, which found hundreds of instances in which companies—from small businesses to large corporations like General Motors, Walmart, and Nike—were now led by an imprisoned convict who was bused into corporate headquarters each day to perform all the functions of a CEO for an average of 40 cents per hour. “At a time when the average CEO makes nearly 400 times as much as a typical worker, and CEOs at large firms earn north of $25 million per year, more corporate boards are realizing that they can get the same amount of output from a prisoner who works for a fraction of the salary. In several states, including Florida, Georgia, and Texas, these prison CEOs are actually paid nothing for their work. While this raises some thorny ethical issues—like the new incarcerated CEO of AT&T making no salary at all due to prison labor exemptions from federal wage laws—there is no denying that many companies see major benefits from paying their CEOs virtually nothing and experience very few drawbacks with workflows.” The report also found that while employees of these large firms had qualms about their company being led by an incarcerated individual, many acknowledged that their work-life balance had improved, as strict limits on prison phone time left the CEO unable to reach out to their employees around the clock.
Biggest Misconceptions People Have About Polyamory #~# While polyamory is growing in popularity, the practice of dating multiple partners is often still widely misunderstood. Here are the most common misconceptions people have about polyamorous relationships.
Experts Warn Gas Stoves May Slowly Ingratiate Selves In Family To Kill And Take Place Of Matriarch #~# BETHESDA, MD—Citing new data on the appliance’s hidden hazards, a statement released Wednesday by the Consumer Product Safety Commission warned that gas stoves could be slowly ingratiating themselves into American households in order to kill the family matriarch and take her place. “According to the latest research, gas ranges may be working discreetly to win the backing of key family members so that they are poised to seize control from a dominant mother or grandmother after they murder her,” said CPSC chair Alexander Hoehn-Saric, noting that a gas stove’s constant presence in the kitchen can make it a rival for matronly authority in many traditional families.  “Though things start off innocently enough, with the stove helping the matriarch in the kitchen and cooking the family’s food, the situation may escalate quickly as the appliance forges alliances and consolidates power. First, it’s just a burn here or there, but one day, a mother leans in to remove a casserole and the door slams shut behind her. Then maybe she’s incinerated and her remains are disposed of with the oven’s self-cleaning function. Next thing you know, your children are referring to the appliance as their new mommy.” Hoehn-Saric went on to urge male heads of household to contact the CPSC immediately if their gas stove begins wearing their wife’s perfume and pearls and sleeping on her side of the bed at night.
‘Eat The Flesh, Suck The Bones,’ Only Thing Everyone In Buffalo Wild Wings Thinking #~# CHICOPEE, MA—Silently chanting the refrain in their heads as they stared dead-eyed at half-eaten platters, every customer in a local Buffalo Wild Wings was reportedly only thinking “Eat the flesh, suck the bones, suck the flesh, eat the bones,” sources confirmed Wednesday. “The flesh gives strength, the bones give nourishment,” reported a voice deep within the psyche of Peter Williamson, 43, and every other customer in the establishment, whose eyes rolled back as the monotonous incantation commanded them to find more Mango Habanero–, Asian Zing–, or Desert Heat–glazed chicken meat in the pile of discarded bones. “Lick the skin, grind the bones. Chew and suck,  suck and chew. Munch munch munch munch. Feel the meat coursing through the veins. Bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones.” At press time, the synchronized, meat-based dirge reportedly commanded every customer to just ignore the celery.
Blue Cross CEO Admits It Would Really Help If Sick Insured People Just Killed Themselves #~# CHICAGO—Stressing  that such individuals would be doing her company a solid, Blue Cross Blue Shield  CEO Kim Keck announced Wednesday that it would really help if sick  insured people just killed themselves. “Look, let me be frank here, if a  few hundred thousand people deep into cancer treatment just offed  themselves, our quarterly revenue would be boosted in a big way,” said  Keck, who admitted it would help her fellow board members if any policyholder suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, a debilitating stroke,  diabetes, or any other expensive late-stage illness could simply blow  their brains out. “Honestly, even if you’re only coming down with a bad fever, you’d be making our lives a lot easier if you went and hung yourself. Just  make sure you actually have the guts to go through with it. Because if  you get paralyzed from a botched attempt and we have to pay for some  sad sack coma case, the rest of the execs will be pissed.” Keck rushed to  clarify that any patients considering helping them out should not apply  for assisted suicide, as that wasn’t covered under any of their plans.
USDA Approves First Vaccine For Honeybees #~# The United States Department of Agriculture has approved the first-ever vaccine for honeybees to protect the insects from American foulbrood disease, a fatal bacterial disease that can destroy entire honeybee colonies. What do you think?
Tim Cook Takes 40% Pay Cut #~# Apple CEO Tim Cook will take a more than 40% pay cut this year after criticism from shareholders, a decision that will reduce his annual pay package from last year’s $99.4 million to $49 million. What do you think?
Debt-Ridden 4th-Grader Shouldn’t Have Recklessly Invested In Lunch #~# SAN ANTONIO—Saying a series of fiscally irresponsible decisions had led to the local 10-year-old’s present insolvency, top financial analysts stated Tuesday that debt-ridden fourth-grader Daniel Brown should have stopped himself from recklessly investing in so many school lunches. “Instead of asking whether it was wise to put all of his money into solid foods, he just kept taking a tray of spaghetti or chicken tenders almost every single day,” said economist Brenda Maronnes, observing that there are children like Brown all over America who lack the financial self-discipline required to forgo a hot meal and, as a result, spend the rest of their student years buried deep in school lunch debt. “If you’re going to gamble your whole allowance on a daily carton of milk, that’s your choice, but is the quick fix of calcium and vitamins really worth it once your creditworthiness is destroyed? Balanced meals don’t make for balanced budgets.” Maronnes went on to acknowledge that financially carelessness children often learn from the example set by their parents, many of whom lack the prudence to diversify their portfolios and put all of their income into groceries and rent.
Man’s Family Too Ugly To Elicit Incestuous Fantasies #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Grateful that his relatives weren’t attractive enough to tempt him, local man Darren Doherty told reporters Tuesday that his family was too ugly to elicit any incestuous fantasies. “Thank God my family is far too hideous for me to daydream about fucking them,” said Doherty, claiming that if he were part of any other family he wouldn’t be able to help himself. “My sister is busted, my dad’s a troll, and my mom’s a three at best, which is pretty much the only thing stopping me from jumping their bones. Because it’s definitely not the taboo itself. I find that part incredibly hot.” At press time, Doherty had backtracked slightly after recalling what a hot piece of ass his 93-year-old grandmother was.
Wistful Woman Doesn’t Want Kids But Still Wants To Name People #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Struggling with what she called an “impossible decision,” local 32-year-old Olivia Montero told reporters Tuesday  she didn’t want kids, but still wanted to name people. “Even though I’ve never been able to picture myself as a mother, there’s still some biological urge deep inside of me that wants to bestow upon someone  the moniker Joshua,” said Montero, who stated that while she had zero interest in raising or nurturing a child, she just could not escape the feeling that her life would not be complete until she had chosen other people’s names for them. “Every time one of my friends announces they’ve named a new person Sophia, I can’t help thinking: Is that something I want? Is that something that would fulfill me? To name a human being Sophia? And what happens one day when I get old? I don’t want to spend my final years wasting away in some nursing home, regretting how I never named a bunch of people Kylie and Nash and Harrison.” At press time, Montero assured herself that whatever happened, she would still get to name her nieces and nephews. 
2024 Election To Be Decided By Whoever Can Keep Hand On White House The Longest #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to award the country’s highest office to the nominee who wants it the most, officials announced Tuesday that the 2024 presidential election would be decided by whoever could keep their hand on the White House the longest. “Beginning today, all candidates hoping to become president of the United States will place their hand on the White House in a endurance contest for the ages,” said Federal Election Commission chair Dara Lindenbaum, explaining that the last presidential hopeful to take their hand off the executive residence would be immediately declared commander in chief. “We will go as long as it takes, so please come prepared if you want to be POTUS. While restrooms will not be provided, contestants may use the South Portico. And thank you to our sponsors at 103.5 KISS FM for helping to make this presidential election happen.” At press time, Trump was reportedly eliminated while trying to swat away a bee.
Things People Hate The Most About Nepotism Babies #~# We all know celebrities are privileged, but that privilege grows exponentially when it’s passed on to their spawn. Here are the things people hate the most about nepo babies.
Black Woman Doesn’t Want To Admit She Actually Does Know Random Other Black Woman Coworker Brought Up #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Attempting to keep a straight face amidst an awkward racial faux pas, local Black woman Imani Coleman reportedly didn’t want to admit that she actually did know the random other Black woman her coworker asked her about Monday. “It’s really frustrating, since I know he only brought up Vanessa because he assumes I’m Black and she’s Black, so we must have some kind of connection—but in this case, I really do know her,” said Coleman, adding that she could not bring herself to acknowledge the truth to her coworker, who, by accident and despite his complete ignorance of the situation, had been correct when he stated that the two Black women must be acquainted. “That’s a totally racist assumption to make, so I can’t give this guy the satisfaction of knowing that Vanessa and I have, in fact, been close friends for years. She goes to my church, and we see each other all the time. We’re cousins, actually, and to be honest, we do kind of look alike, so I can’t even call people out when they get the two of us confused. Goddamn it.” At press time, sources confirmed Coleman had grown even more frustrated when her coworker, relying on another tired stereotype, managed to accurately guess that she had grown up without a father. 
Amtrak Passengers Stranded On Train For 29 Hours Feared They Were Being Kidnapped #~# Hundreds of Amtrak passengers in South Carolina were stranded on a train for 29 hours after a detour due to another train derailing, prompting several to call the police out of fear they were being held hostage. What do you think?
Report Finds Billionaires Paying Zero Dollars In Income Taxes By Writing ‘No Thank You Please’ On Return #~# NEW YORK—Shedding new light on how the nation’s wealthiest avoided paying taxes, a new report released Monday by ProPublica  found that U.S. billionaires have been paying zero dollars in federal income taxes for years by writing, “No thank you please,” on their returns. “Dozens of billionaires fail to pay their fair share every year by simply writing nothing on their tax return except, ‘No, I do not want to do that,’” said senior reporter Nathan Simonton, coauthor of the bombshell report, who obtained hundreds of pages of tax records that had been left completely blank by billionaires who couldn’t even be bothered to humor the IRS. “The top .001% wealthiest Americans have gotten away with the so-called ‘red Sharpie’ loophole every year. Bill Gates does it. Jeff Bezos does it. Michael Bloomberg drew a big angry face with a speech bubble that said ‘NO.’”At press time, Simonton added that a few savvy billionaires had even received tax credits by writing, “No, you give me money,” on their returns. 
Field Sobriety Test Asks Driver Whether Calling Ex Sounds Like Good Idea #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Pulling over a motorist suspected of intoxication, a police officer conducting a field sobriety test Monday reportedly asked the driver whether or not calling his ex sounded like a good idea. “Excuse me, sir, do you think you might want to give your ex a call?” asked officer Brent McCarthy, telling the man to step out of his car and scroll through his contacts to determine whether he was still under the legal alcohol consumption limit and therefore able to resist dialing up his ex-girlfriend to ask where things went wrong. “Be honest, Mr. Banks, have you had the urge tonight to admit you have residual feelings for a woman who told you she never wants to hear from you again? Okay, now please stick out your arms, close your eyes, and bring your phone to your ear. I’ve seen enough, sir—car 499 to central, this man tried to hit FaceTime at 3 a.m., I’m bringing him in.” At press time, McCarthy had restrained the belligerent man after he frantically lunged for the officer’s phone.
Andrew Tate Defense Team Assembled From Dozens Of Lawyers Trafficked From Eastern Europe #~# BUCHAREST—Facing multiple charges of human trafficking and rape in a Romanian court, internet influencer Andrew Tate published a video Monday informing his followers that he had assembled a defense team of dozens of lawyers trafficked from eastern Europe. “I coerced a bunch of young lawyers to come to Romania and be on my defense team by promising them that they’re going to win my case and get rich,” said Tate in a three-minute video posted to his Rumble page, explaining that he transported the attorneys from Bulgaria, Belarus, and Moldova to Romania in shipping crates to avoid the authorities and was housing them in a warehouse barracks where they were required to spend 18 hours a day building his legal case. “These lawyers are pliable and hungry, and that’s the exact kind of lawyer you want to smuggle into your country to be on your legal team. It was easy to get them here—all I had to do was tell them that with me they’ll have enough money and success to open up their own practice someday, and now they’ll do whatever I want. Of course I had to confiscate their passports and cell phones, as well as take control of their bank accounts as a precaution, but they’re so grateful for the opportunity to represent me in court that they don’t even care that they can’t talk to their families anymore. So what if some of them are underage?” At press time, Tate’s Hustlers University 2.0 had released a course instructing young men on how to build a side hustle of getting arrested and trafficking lawyers. 
Hospital Tells Woman It Can Schedule CPR Appointment In 6 Weeks #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Informing her the facility was currently operating beyond capacity and experiencing delays, staff at Columbus Memorial Hospital told a woman suffering cardiac arrest that they could schedule an appointment for her to undergo CPR in six weeks. “If you could just stay home and try to avoid any strenuous activities between now and early March, we should have someone available at that time to administer chest compressions,” an ER receptionist said in a phone call with local 83-year-old Beatrice Nelkin, explaining that if her heart attack had worsened by then and she had stop breathing, she could make a separate appointment for mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, a procedure for which the hospital was currently booking into August. “They usually do 30 compressions, and if that isn’t enough to get your heart beating again, they’ll schedule you for an additional 30 at a later time. No, no—please don’t just come in. If you really want something sooner, we could do a telehealth appointment for CPR in three weeks. Would that work?” At press time, sources confirmed the hospital had charged Nelkin $15,000 for dying without canceling her appointment in advance.
Pizza Hut CEO Accused Of Stuffing Assets Into Offshore Crusts #~# PLANO, TX—In the wake of a year-long investigation by the IRS, a 43-page indictment was unsealed in federal court Friday, confirming Pizza Hut CEO Aaron Powell had been charged with multiple counts of stuffing  assets into offshore crusts. “We have reason to believe Powell has put both company and personal assets directly into crispy, fresh-baked crusts in locations all over the Cayman Islands,” said U.S. attorney Asa McDaniels, stating that the CEO had hidden millions from the government in this way in order to avoid paying taxes on Pizza Hut’s substantial holdings in 100% real whole-milk mozzarella cheese. “Treasury Department agents first caught wind of these piping-hot, melty assets when Powell’s tax return was suspiciously covered in more grease than what he was claiming on the forms. From there, they found the Pizza Hut executive had concealed more than $138 million in fermented dairy products inside a single layer of golden-brown dough in Switzerland.” At press time, Powell was caught attempting to destroy evidence by eating what was left of his Bahamian stash of pepperoni.
Most Common Questions Sex Therapists Get Asked #~# With an increasing number of people seeking professional help to address intimacy issues, The Onion examines the most common questions that sex therapists get asked.
‘Elvis’ Producers Criticized For Casting Austin Butler In Role Of Iconic Black Singer #~# LOS ANGELES—As awards season arrives and critics take note of the film’s problematic whitewashed casting, the Golden Globe–nominated Elvis faced increased scrutiny this week for casting Austin Butler in the role of the iconic Black singer. “Using a white actor to portray a world-renowned African American who single-handedly revolutionized pop music is regrettable, to say the least,” critic Ibrahim Lawrence wrote in the Los Angeles Times, suggesting that actors of color had little hope of succeeding in today’s film industry if producers couldn’t even bring themselves to give a Black man the starring role in a musical biopic about Elvis Presley. “And it’s so unnecessary. Why not cast Jonathan Majors? LaKeith Stanfield? Even Michael Ealy could’ve knocked it out of the park, but once again, Hollywood has chosen to engage in historical erasure to fit a white-centric ideal, in this case an Elvis who would be palatable to a larger demographic. Hearing classics like ‘Baby Let’s Play House,’ ‘Hound Dog,’ and ‘In The Ghetto’ coming out of a white man’s lips is nothing short of jarring.” Though his decision to take the part has been condemned in most quarters, many critics have nonetheless praised Butler for his refusal to wear blackface in his depiction of Presley. 
Second Batch Of Classified Documents Found In Biden’s Home Garage #~# Aides to President Joe Biden discovered at least one additional batch of classified documents in his home garage in Delaware. What do you think?
Trump Condemns Courts For Forcing His Already Cash-Strapped Supporters To Pay $1.6 Million Tax Fraud Fine #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Declaring the penalty extreme and unjust,  Donald Trump condemned the New York courts Friday for forcing his already cash-strapped supporters to pay a $1.6 million fine for tax fraud. “It is wrong for the courts to place this undue burden on my followers, who have already spent many millions of dollars to cover my legal fees,” said the former president, adding that the imposition of such a fine at a time when MAGA supporters were already struggling just to make their recurring weekly donations to his next presidential campaign was especially cruel. “This could absolutely crush some of my donors, especially the low-income people, who are so blindly loyal with their support. Making the many blue-collar Americans who give me money shell out another $1.6 million for this pointless fine when I’ll be asking for much, much more from them in the future is heartless, and the judge and district attorney should be ashamed.” At press time, Trump’s team sent out an email to his supporters, promising to make the courts pay for this great injustice in exchange for a small contribution to his campaign.
Kamala Harris Assures Public No One Has Given Her Single Classified Document #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that there was a “zero-percent chance” she had mishandled sensitive information, Vice President Kamala Harris assured the American public Friday that no one had given her a single classified document. “Not to look at, not even to hold—frankly, I couldn’t even tell you where they’re kept,” said Harris, who held a press conference to announce that even if she had had access to classified government documents, she wouldn’t dream in a million years of taking her work home with her, and that most of the binders in her office were empty anyway. “Please take comfort when I say I have no security clearance, on any level. My key fob doesn’t even work most days, and I have to text someone on my staff to come let me in. Yesterday, I stood outside the White House in the cold for 15 minutes before anyone came to get me.” At press time, Harris admitted that she had once taken home a roll of paper towels. 
Onion Sports’ NFL Wild Card Weekend Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Super Wild Card Weekend.
Concessions Kevin McCarthy Made To Become House Speaker #~# After 15 votes and multiple days of negotiations, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) finally won his bid to become speaker of the House. The Onion examines what concessions McCarthy had to make.
Logan Paul Challenges Abandoned Pet Pig To Boxing Match #~# DORADO, PUERTO RICO—Vowing to put the animal in her place “once and for all,” internet personality and professional wrestler Logan Paul publicly challenged his former pet pig Pearl to a boxing match on Friday. “I heard you’ve been oinking a lot of shit about me, Pearl, but soon the whole world will know the clown that you are,” said the 27-year-old YouTuber, who stated that while he had never mistreated the potbellied pig once in the two years he owned her, he was ready to dole out a long-overdue beating. “Listen, I don’t like you, and you don’t like me. So let’s settle this in the ring. Meet me in Miami whenever you’re ready. The Hard Rock Stadium, 12 rounds, just you and me. Hooves up, bitch. I’ll make bacon out of you. That is, unless you’re too scared?” At press time, reports confirmed Paul had been knocked out cold by Pearl in a record 2.5 seconds.
Nursing Home Keeps Elderly Residents Active By Shooting At Their Feet #~# WAVERLY, NE—Laughing uproariously as they watched the aging, often handicapped seniors dance, staff members at local nursing home Heartland Care Facility told reporters Friday that the best way to keep elderly residents active was to grab a gun and start shooting at their feet. “Once they reach their 80s, traditional exercise programs start to become more difficult, but what we’ve found is that we can achieve similar outcomes by simply firing a pistol and shouting, ‘Dance, Grandpa, dance!’” caretaker Nadia Morril said as she casually swigged from a dusty bottle of whiskey, explaining that the knowledge they could be shot at any time also helped keep the seniors alert and mentally sharp. “They may look old and frail to you, but you’d be shocked how much energy they can muster when they think they’re going to lose their toes. What really gets their heart rate up is when you tell them you won’t stop at their feet. Yessir, this oughtta get them ol’ bones out of that recliner! Yee-haw!” Morril went on to describe how she had gotten the elderly residents up that morning by throwing firecrackers in their beds.
New York GOP Calls On George Santos To Resign #~# New York Republican officials have called on embattled Rep. George Santos to resign from office over his lies to voters and fabrications about his personal life. What do you think?
Kamala Harris Pops By Office To Print Out Concert Tickets #~# WASHINGTON—Peeking around corners and ducking past doorways in an effort to get in and out of her workplace unseen, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly popped by the Eisenhower Executive Office Building late Wednesday to print out concert tickets. Upon confirming all members of her staff, who she had allegedly not seen in months, had left work for the day, Harris is said to have entered her office for the sole purpose of using a printer to access a pair of passes to that night’s Goo Goo Dolls show at the Merriweather Post pavilion in Columbia, MD. As a precaution in case she encountered her chief of staff or one of her aides, sources confirmed the vice president walked into the facility with her phone up to her ear, ready to engage in a phony conversation about how climate change was a “really tough issue” and to sigh loudly in order to sound very busy. According to reports, Harris then logged into Ticketmaster from her office computer, downloaded a file she renamed “border_security_ideas.pdf,” and printed the document with a nearby Epson EcoTank Pro ET-5850. After the vice president grabbed a granola bar from the kitchen and slipped out of the office mostly undetected, the Eisenhower building’s IT administrator was overheard giving Harris a hard time for using up all of the printer’s ink on her full-color personal holiday cards.
Dr. Scholl’s Increases Brand Awareness By Planting Products In Customers’ Purses And Claiming They Stole It #~# CHICAGO—In  an effort to boost brand awareness among crucial demographic groups,  Dr. Scholl’s confirmed Thursday that they would start planting  their foot care products in customers’ bags and just claiming they stole  it. “What we hope to do is casually drop our gel inserts and orthotics  into a customer’s purse and then tell the nearest employee that we  might’ve seen them pocket something,” said company spokesman William  Huntsman, admitting that loudly exclaiming “Hey, you can’t just take  that Dr. Scholl’s insole!” to a flustered shopper had more potential  than advertisements, billboards, or word of mouth to convince customers  that such products were highly desirable. “Seeing someone get tackled to  the ground by a security guard over a Hot And Cold Foot Massage Ball  that magically appeared in their backpack? That’s going to stay in a  consumer’s mind for years—maybe even decades. It suggests that this  person was driven so mad by the desire to acquire our foot-based pain  relief products that they were willing to risk life and limb. It’s really the  perfect strategy.” Huntsman added that he also envisioned potential  sales from telling the individual that they wouldn’t call the cops if  they just bought the Dr. Scholl’s product.
Congress’ Agenda For The Next Two Years #~# The 2022 midterms saw Republicans gain control of the House and the Democrats add one seat to their slim Senate majority, giving rise to concern that a divided Congress will be unable to address the nation’s most pressing issues. The Onion looks at the 118th Congress’ top agenda items for the next two years.
Every Lie George Santos Has Told About His Life Thus Far #~# Rep. George Santos (R-NY) has repeatedly misrepresented his achievements, his career, and his heritage both before and during his time as an elected official. Here is every lie he’s told the public about his life so far.
Sherlock Holmes Enters Public Domain #~# Copyrights on works from 1927, including Arthur Conan Doyle’s short story collection The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes, have expired, making the works open to the public to legally share, perform, reuse, repurpose, or sample without permission or cost. What do you think?
Dog Worried He Always One Initiating Petting #~# SAN RAMON, CA—Observing that it was somehow on him every time to roll over and nudge his owner’s hand with his snout, local canine Peanut reportedly expressed concern Thursday that he was always the one to initiate petting. “I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but just one time when we’re lying together on the couch, I want my owner to step up and make the effort to tickle me,” said Peanut, adding that he couldn’t remember the last time his owner made the first move to pet his chin, scratch behind his ears, or rub his belly. “It’s not that he’s not into it, because once I lick his arm or swat his face to show him that I’m in the mood, he’s totally down. I just don’t want it to get to the point where I’m always howling or pissing on the ground to get what I want. Otherwise this could get toxic.” Peanut also revealed that he had become so frustrated lately that most nights he growled at his owner, nipped his hand, and then trudged over to the corner to scratch himself. 
Dr. Dre Serves Marjorie Taylor Greene Cease-And-Desist Order For Using Song #~# Rapper Dr. Dre has sent a cease-and-desist letter to U.S. politician Marjorie Taylor Greene, after she used his song “Still D.R.E.” in a promotional video. What do you think?
Katie Porter Uses Whiteboard To Explain To Dianne Feinstein Why This Her Office Now #~# WASHINGTON—Circling the words “dead soon” for emphasis, Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA) reportedly used a whiteboard Wednesday to explain to Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) why the public office held by Feinstein for 30 years belonged to Porter now. “So as you can see here, the average life expectancy for a woman in the United States is 79 years, and come 2024, you’ll be 91—if you’re lucky—and that’s just too old!” said Porter, who drew a stick figure that was hunched over and leaning on a cane, along with several arrows that appeared to indicate the figure was about to tumble into an open grave. “Me, I’ll only be 51. But you, well, pretty soon you’re going to be down there in the ground. So you can’t stay here. Are you still following me, Dianne? This office is mine.” At press time, sources confirmed Porter had been forced to wipe the board clean and start over by explaining that the Hart Senate Office Building was not Feinstein’s home and she did not live there.
Matt Gaetz Accuses Roblox Of Silencing Conservative Voices #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had been systematically banned from playing games, purchasing Robux, or communicating with other users due to his political beliefs, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) told reporters Wednesday he had evidence that Roblox was actively silencing conservative voices. “Today, on Roblox, I was disgusted to find that my highly customized avatar, my in-game achievements, and my friends list had been totally wiped, all because I dared to speak my mind as a white, conservative man in America,” said Gaetz, who added that the gaming platform, which is popular among adolescents, had consistently and pervasively discriminated against prominent, outspoken Republican legislators and pundits like him. “As an active member of Roblox since 2017, I was disturbed, but not surprised, to find that the liberal elite had conspired to remove my friendship badge and ban me from playing my favorite pizza game on my private Discord server with my 900 mutuals. What if conservatives want to hunt virtual easter eggs or attend a Roblox Twenty One Pilots concert? The leftists in charge of Roblox are trying to prevent conservatives from seeking the truth and learning what users are wearing, where they live, and if their parents are home. Until we have a Roblox that supports free speech, people like me will always be second-class citizens.” At press time, Gaetz could not be reached for comment after evidence surfaced that he had sent a large number of Robux transactions to underage girls.
Hole In Ozone Will Mend By 2066, U.N. Report Finds #~# A recently released United Nations assessment found that the hole in the Earth’s protective ozone layer is on track to fully mend by 2066, following measures taken by world governments in the late 1980s to phase out ozone-depleting substances. What do you think?
Mortuary Cosmetologist Opts To Give Client More Natural Decomposing Look #~# GALLATIN, TN—Citing the adage “less is more,” mortuary cosmetologist Rhonda Greenfield opted Wednesday to give her client at Bradford Funeral Home a more natural decomposing look for his upcoming open-casket viewing. “Corpses can look so overdone with all the foundation and blush, so I’m going to use a lighter touch to accentuate the graying flesh,” said Greenfield, adding that she thinks dead people should embrace their own intrinsic putrescence instead of abiding by the unrealistic standards of a society that insists on skin lesions and decaying flesh being hidden behind makeup. “He already has a beautiful bone structure that’s coming through even more as his skin deteriorates. I think I might even open these pustules a little more to get them to really pop.” At press time, Greenfield was adding a few extra maggots to her client’s nostrils and mouth to complete his everyday festering look.
Man Memorizes Several Awkward Remarks In Case Date Not Going Uncomfortably Enough #~# BOSTON—In an effort to keep things as stilted as possible, local man Terrence Williams told reporters  he had memorized several awkward remarks for a first date Wednesday night in case it wasn’t going uncomfortably enough. “I always like to have a couple conversation-enders up my sleeve for when things don’t immediately lapse into painful silence,” said Williams, adding that he worried about the middle part of the date, when it sometimes felt as if he had exhausted everything he could say to halt the conversation’s natural flow. “Obviously, I can start things off on the wrong foot by giving her an off-putting compliment, like, ‘nice beefy hands.’ But it’s good to know that even if everything is progressing in a completely pleasant way, I can always bring up my ex for no apparent reason. Or maybe we can talk about my favorite pizza places in the city for so long that it’s unclear if we’ll ever return to a normal topic again. Or I can just get really quiet and  stare at my lap for a little bit. That  works almost every time.”  Williams added that if all else failed, he could always mention how white men are the real victims.
Signs Someone Is Catfishing You #~# With the significant increase in deceptive activity online, The Onion provides a handy guide to determine if someone is catfishing you.
Study Finds Early Humans Selectively Bred Corn To Be Less Aggressive #~# LINCOLN, NE—Noting the low attack rates among modern corn, a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Nebraska found that early humans selectively bred corn to be less aggressive. “Though ingenuity and careful breeding, early Native American farmers artificially selected maize varieties that exhibited less violent behavior, a process that culminated in the docile corn we enjoy today,” said Professor Maggie Royer, explaining that over the centuries agriculturalists were able to isolate specific strains that didn’t attack those who tried to pick them, lacked natural razor-sharp teeth, and didn’t shoot poisonous barbs.“The ancient breeds of corn were so aggressive, in fact, that primitive humans were often devoured while attempting to harvest the cereal grain. Still, the relationship between humans and maize began to warm up when early humans fed meat to corn to gain its trust, eventually turning it into a companion grain.” Royer added that not all of the early humans’ attempts at selective breeding were as successful, noting that their effort to domesticate wolves resulted in the canines becoming a hirsute fruit.
Bird Claims Its Mother Makes The Best Vomit In The World #~# DOTHAN, AL—Offering accolades for the homemade puke it grew up eating, a local barn swallow told reporters Friday that its mother made the best vomit in the world. “I know everyone says this, but no one can regurgitate like my mom does,” said the migratory songbird, explaining that it had eaten vomit from some of the best sidewalks in the country and still nothing compared to its mother’s blend of freshly disgorged, bile-infused nutrients. “It’s the perfect combination of partially digested worms, flies, seeds, and a little hint of love. Plus, she makes it extra chunky, just the way I like it.” At press time, grieving sources reported that the barn swallow’s mother had bounced off a car windshield and died before she was able to pass the recipe down to her family.
Bolsonaro Supporters Storm Brazil’s Congress #~# Supporters of former Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro who refuse to accept his election defeat stormed Congress, the Supreme Court, and presidential palace in the capital, a week after the inauguration of his leftist rival, President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva. What do you think?
High School Teaches Co-Parenting Skills By Having Students Fight Over Who Gets Egg For Weekend #~# CALUMET, OK—In an effort to prepare the teenagers for the reality of rearing children, students at Calumet High School were reportedly learning co-parenting skills Tuesday by fighting over who got to take their egg home for the weekend. “While not a perfect simulation, this project gives students a taste of what it’s like to threaten and undermine one another,” said family and consumer science teacher Jenna Tunnel, who stated that she had paired off her ninth grade students by lack of compatibility and given each group one raw egg to attempt to scream at each other over. “There are always some students who complain that the assignment is too taxing, but the majority appreciate learning what it’s like to send and receive incredibly cutting text messages about their carelessness and suspected problem with alcohol. Leaving a voicemail saying you’re going to take their ass to court if they’re even a minute late to handoff is an invaluable skill they will all someday need to use in the real world.” At press time, Tunnel added that students would automatically fail the assignment if a judge awarded full custody to their project partner. 
Woman Will Never Know Intimacy Like Passing Garbage Truck Drivers Slowing Down To Point At Each Other #~# HARTFORD, CT—Overcome with quiet melancholy as she witnessed the profound tenderness of the exchange, area woman Camille Rossner reportedly realized Tuesday that she would never know an intimacy like that of two passing garbage truck drivers slowing down their vehicles to point at each other. “It must feel so amazing to experience that kind of connection with someone,” said the 27-year-old event planner, adding that she regretted the comparative solitude of her own existence as she watched the two sanitation workers put on their brakes, smile wide, and acknowledge each other with an outstretched finger and a honk of their horns. “While I can appreciate, from a distance, the easy confidence of the gesture and the casual exchange of bonhomie, I can never participate. No, unless I someday managed to climb behind the wheel of a garbage truck and meet another driver whose route goes by mine, that just isn’t in the cards for me.” At press time, Rossner was seen brushing away a tear as she noticed two trash collectors riding on the backs of the trucks reach over for a quick fist bump.
Signs Your Roommate Actually Hates You #~# No amount of rent reduction is worth sharing an apartment with someone like you. Here are telltale signs your roommate actually hates you.
Kevin McCarthy Elected House Speaker After 15 Rounds Of Voting #~# Republican Kevin McCarthy was elected House speaker on a historic post-midnight 15th ballot early Saturday, after making extensive concessions to right-wing hardliners that raised questions about the party’s ability to govern. What do you think?
Explosive Prince Harry Memoir Reveals William Used Too Much Tongue When They Kissed #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Divulging that the interactions with his brother often got physical, a passage leaked Monday from Spare, the explosive new memoir by Prince Harry, revealed that Prince William used far too much tongue whenever the brothers kissed. “Nearly every time the two of us made out, we’d barely have a chance to get started before William would be jamming his tongue right down my throat,” said Harry, adding that while he had nothing against French kissing per se, his older brother “just went way overboard” with a sloppy tonguing technique that was overbearing and “kind of gross.” “I would clench my teeth in the hopes he’d take a hint, but he always kept right at it. Don’t get me wrong—since leaving the U.K., I do miss William’s lips. But once he even put his slobbery tongue in my mouth right after we’d gone out for curry, and it was so disgusting I thought I was going to puke.” The book goes on to claim that William forced Harry to keep the bad kissing a secret by threatening to tell everyone his younger brother gave terrible blow jobs. 
Brazilians Terrified That Riot Could Lead To Tedious Congressional Hearings #~# RIO  DE JANEIRO—In the wake of a pro-Bolsonaro mob storming the nation’s  capital, Brazilians expressed terror Monday that the riot could lead to  years of tedious congressional hearings. “Oh God, we’re going to have to  sit through month after month of these bone-dry meetings where grandstanding politicians pat themselves on the back for defending democracy,” said  Rio resident Adriana Santoro, echoing the horror felt by her fellow citizens  as they watched footage of rioters ransacking government buildings, videos they already knew would be played hundreds of times until they lost  all meaning. “After what happened in America, we told ourselves it  could never happen in Brazil. But we were dead wrong. You can already  see the gleam in their eyes, because they’re all thinking about how they’ll get to bring in some stupid  little props and give boring-ass speeches about how brave they all are.  Jesus Christ, they’re never going to shut up about this.” At press time,  millions of Brazilians reportedly sat in muted terror as Majority Leader Aguinaldo Ribeiro announced the creation of the Comitê de 8 de janeiro.
McCarthy Elected Speaker After Far-Right GOP Minority Joins Rest Of Far-Right GOP Majority #~# WASHINGTON—Following a tense four days in Congress’ lower chamber that saw members of his own party vote to deny him the top spot 14 straight times, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) was elected speaker of the House early Saturday morning when the far-right GOP minority joined together with the rest of the far-right GOP majority. “It took a while, but we were finally able to get our 20 most right-wing members to compromise with our other 200 most right-wing members,” said Rep. Patrick McHenry (R-NC), a McCarthy ally who was instrumental in helping the new speaker win over members of the hard-right House Freedom Caucus with key concessions to the majority GOP’s hard-right plans for this congressional term. “Electing Kevin showed that we’re able to smooth over the differences between the far-right faction and the other far-right faction to pursue our identical policy goals of eradicating the social safety net, punishing immigrants, and trying to subvert democratic elections, as well as find key compromises in the approach all of us will take to undermine a functional government. Whether you’re one of the holdouts who wants Republicans to pursue a radically conservative agenda, or one of the stalwart McCarthy backers who wants a reactionary right-wing agenda, you have a place in the McCarthy-led House. It’s a good sign for Americans that we’re able to compromise despite seeing eye to eye on every issue.” McCarthy allies also told reporters that the concessions allowed them to avoid the nightmare scenario of some of the far-right Republicans moving to align with the right-wing faction of the Democratic Party.
Man Has Real Thing For Blond-Haired, Blue-Eyed Aryans Of Pure Breeding Stock #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Saying that the heart wants what the heart wants, local man Ross Weber told reporters Monday that he had a real thing for blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryans of pure breeding stock. “I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about a naturally blond woman with an undiluted bloodline and membership in the master race that really turns me on,” said Weber, insisting that while he had nothing against women with darker complexions whose heritage had been sullied through interbreeding with “the mud races,” they just didn’t do anything for him. “I guess I’ve always been attracted to blue-eyed girls with a square jaw, narrow nose, and other Nordic features—the ones who, through their ability to produce white offspring, can combat the rising tide of color. Don’t ask me why. And though I’m honestly not that picky, whenever I find out that a woman’s ancestry includes even one single drop of Asian or African blood, it’s sort of a deal breaker for me.” Reached for comment on Weber’s remarks, numerous women without blond hair and blue eyes expressed deep sadness that the pasty, overweight, culturally illiterate man living in his mother’s basement would never want to date them. 
Couple Loses Life Savings After Getting Scammed Into Having Baby At Hospital #~# CLEVELAND—Representing just one couple among millions who fall prey to the scam every year, Annalise and Patrick Callahan confirmed Monday they had lost their life savings after getting tricked into having their baby at the hospital. “These so-called healthcare officials assured us this was a safe and smart place to have our baby—I’ve never felt more stupid in my life,” said Annalise Callahan, 33, who was devastated after discovering that she and her husband’s savings of more than $20,000 had been wiped out in a single day at the Cleveland Clinic Fairview Hospital. “We’ve worked so hard for years and years, and poof, just like that, every penny is gone. It’s a whole operation they have running. They have smooth-talking men and women who wear white coats to make you trust them, and then they rob you blind. We’re speaking up so other couples don’t fall for the same terrible scam.” At press time, Callahan added that the worst part was that now she had to care for an expensive baby. 
Police Ask For Public’s Help In Falsifying Report #~# HOUSTON—Calling on the community for assistance in closing an unsolved case, Houston police chief Jeff Sommer asked the public Monday for its help in falsifying a police report that would implicate local 24-year-old Terrence Carter in the crime. “In order to wrongfully accuse a suspect and take him into custody, we are asking residents to please share any misinformation they may have about this individual,” said Sommer, who added that any hearsay or fabricated eyewitness accounts placing Carter at the scene of the crime should be reported to police immediately. “To encourage anyone who might wish to make a wholly unfounded accusation in this case, we’ve set up an anonymous tip line, and we’re urging the public to misreport anything suspicious that may incriminate the man not responsible for this heinous act. False claims based on your personal biases and crude stereotypes are especially appreciated and will go a long way toward helping us lock up an innocent person so we can clear this terrible crime from the books.” In an announcement regarding a separate case, Sommer confirmed the reward had been raised to $25,000 for anyone willing to testify they had seen a gun in the hand of a woman the police recently shot and killed on her front porch. 
CEOs Explain Why They Oppose A 4-Day Workweek #~# While European companies have begun experimenting with four-day workweeks, American companies have yet to adopt the practice. The Onion asked American CEOs to explain why they oppose a shorter workweek, and this is what they said.
Elon Musk Unveils New Cybertruck Concept Design #~# AUSTIN, TX—After a year in which the electric automaker’s stock lost 65% of its value, CEO Elon Musk has doubled down on plans to build Tesla’s Cybertruck, introducing on Friday a new design for a concept  vehicle that would boldly reimagine the American pickup. “This is a truck unlike any the world has ever seen: the first to consist entirely of a quadrilateral with four congruent sides and four right angles,” Musk said during a media event at Tesla headquarters, describing the proposed Cybertruck’s unique two-dimensionality and innovative ability to glide across land, sea, and air. “It’s going to be totally flat, and we’ve done away with the wheels completely.  Because it has no depth, it can theoretically travel at infinite speeds. And with its ability to hold an unlimited number of passengers, the Cybertruck will instantly alleviate all traffic congestion between San Francisco and L.A. Anyway, we’ll have these on the road later this year.” At press time, Tesla’s stock price had reportedly tripled even as Musk’s blueprint for the concept car inexplicably erupted into flames.
On Top Of Everything Else, Kevin McCarthy Wetting Bed Again #~# WASHINGTON—Sighing as he hid another pair of soiled pajamas deep in his hamper, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) confirmed Friday that on top of everything else that had been going on, he was also  wetting the bed again. “Jesus, this is the absolute last thing I need! This has been the worst week of my life,” said the visibly frustrated California lawmaker, whose bid for the role of House speaker has been met with persistent opposition among members of his own party and has been the cause of severe anxiety that, McCarthy noted, was not being helped at all by the vengeful return of his urinary incontinence problem. “Man, I thought a dozen failed attempts for the speakership, our dog running away, and spilling coffee all over my desk yesterday were as bad as it could get, but now I’m peeing all over my sheets in the middle of the night. It’s like my freshman year of Congress all over again. Ugh, I just completely reek of piss. My wife and housekeeper can’t seem to look me in the eyes, and I could really use their support right now, because I’m sure not getting enough at work.” At press time, McCarthy was reportedly seen crying in the Capitol bathroom after Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) had told everybody about the pack of Depends she saw in his briefcase.
What To Know About The New Covid Variant XBB1.5 #~# Health experts have raised the alarm about the fast-spreading coronavirus variant XBB1.5, which could drive a new surge of cases. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about covid XBB1.5.
What To Say If You Catch Your Partner Watching Pornography #~# Catching your partner watching porn can be incredibly embarrassing. Fortunately, The Onion has provided a list of the perfect things to say to address the situation.
Man At Gym Listening To Pump-Up Playlist To Get Courage To Take Off Shirt In Locker Room #~# BOSTON—Putting his headphones over his ears and taking a deep breath, local man Dalton Griffith was reportedly listening to his pump-up playlist at the gym Friday to get the courage to take off his shirt in the locker room. “I got this,” said Griffith, who turned up the volume on the DMX song from his carefully curated gym locker room mix, feeling the adrenaline course through his veins as he prepared for the grueling challenge that awaited him. “This might hurt, but I have to remember it will all be worth it in the end. It’s time to get tough. No pain, no gain. I’m going to lift this shirt if it’s the last thing I ever do. Let’s fucking go!” At press time, a defeated Griffith was seen on the elliptical machine still wearing his button-up shirt.
Celebrity Thinking About Getting Pilot’s License #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying it seemed like something he was supposed to do given his level of income and public renown, local celebrity Chris Hemsworth was reportedly  thinking Friday about getting his pilot’s license. “I was just wondering what I should do now that I have a bunch of money and free time, and it just hit me—I should train to fly small aircraft,” said Hemsworth, adding that he’d spoken to other celebrities about getting a pilot’s license and the celebrities all told him they were thinking about getting one too. “I honestly never dreamed about being a pilot growing up, and never even cared that much about planes, but ever since I became a celebrity, it’s something I’ve really started to consider. It would be something interesting to put in the ‘personal life’ section of my Wikipedia page, as well. Then I could talk about it in interviews and say something about how I like the freedom of flying a plane, and how it gives me a chance to see the world beneath me from a new perspective. I also think an Instagram picture of me wearing a headset in a plane every so often would be really fun for me and my fans.” Hemsworth added that he was also looking forward to reading news stories about him barely surviving a small single-plane crash after unadvisedly taking his aircraft out during a storm.
Vatican Defrocks Anti-Abortion Priest Who Used Aborted Fetus In Sermon #~# The Vatican has defrocked the American anti-abortion priest Frank Pavone for what it called “blasphemous communications on social media” and “persistent disobedience” after he placed an aborted fetus on an altar and posted a video of it on two social media sites. What do you think?
Vatican Funeral Ends With Ritual Eating Of Pope Benedict’s Body #~# VATICAN CITY—In a requiem mass that followed strict liturgical protocol for a deceased head of the Roman Catholic Church, the funeral of Pope Benedict XVI reportedly concluded Thursday with the ritual eating of the former pontiff’s body. “Father, into your hands I commend his spirit, as we commend to our stomachs his body and blood,” Pope Francis said as he presided over the solemn ceremony at St. Peter’s Basilica, ripping a finger off the late Benedict’s corpse, raising it up for the Lord’s final blessing, and then sucking out the marrow in a church custom believed to date back more than a thousand years. “Take this, all of you, and eat of it, for this is our pope. Take these arms and these legs, and with their blood let your thirst be quenched. God has made this sacred flesh to nourish us, however tough and stringy it may be. Don’t be shy, my children, come now—there are still plenty of ribs and shanks left.” At press time, church officials announced that any leftovers would be turned into papal jerky and made available for a limited time in the Vatican gift shop.
Incredibly Productive House Of Representatives Assembles For 8th Vote In Just 3 Days #~# WASHINGTON—Defying speculation that the 118th Congress would get little accomplished during its term, the incredibly productive House of Representatives assembled Thursday for its eighth vote in just three days. “Less than 72 hours into the new session, and they’ve already held seven votes—these committed representatives are holding a master class in how to show up and get down to brass tacks,” said New York Times congressional reporter Annie Karni, adding that the seven votes in the House of Representatives had also seen 100% attendance, a rarity in the chamber, which only underscored the legislative body’s universal commitment to efficiency. “Things are finally changing in Washington. We’ve also received word from Capitol sources that this burst of productivity from our elected officials might not even be over—we could see an ninth, tenth, or even 11th vote today. This level of voting right out of the gate hasn’t been seen in America in over a century, and it bodes well for our nation’s future.” At press time, several new polls found that a majority of Americans supported giving the hardworking representatives a few days or even weeks off to rest.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 18 Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 18 games.
How The House Speaker Is Elected #~# With a group of Republicans holding out against the candidacy of Rep. Kevin McCarthy, the election of a new House speaker has hit a stalemate, and the House cannot begin business until a speaker is chosen. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how the speaker of the House is elected.
Nation’s Children Of Alcoholics Figure They Might As Well Get Really Good At Pool #~# AKRON, OH—During a press conference in which they described the game as the best option available for passing the long hours their parents spent drinking at bars, children of the nation’s alcoholics announced Thursday that they might as well get really good at pool. “Our moms and dads just ordered their fourth round, and there aren’t any toys to play with, so we figured, why not develop a surprisingly strong pool game?” said Caleb Thompson, 7, who stood with cue in hand at local bar Shooters Pub as he spoke on behalf of children with hard-drinking parents, stating that it only made sense, given how much time they spent in places like this, to practice their bank shots and learn how to put a little spin on the ball. “We’re here all the time, so we can put in however many hours it takes to become good enough at eight-ball to hustle any unsuspecting drunks who think a little kid has no chance of beating them. It’d be nice to make a few extra bucks in case our parents drink up all the rent money again.” The nation’s children of alcoholics went on to clarify that as soon as their feet could reach the pedals, they would switch their emphasis from pool to learning how to safely drive their blackout drunk parents back home.
Favorite Snack In Every State #~# Americans all across the country love to stuff their dumb fucking faces. The Onion examines the favorite snack in every state.
Study Finds Dolphins May Suffer From Alzheimer’s Disease #~# A study has found that the brains of some stranded dolphins showed classic markers of human Alzheimer’s disease, supporting the theory that “mass strandings” occur when one animal becomes confused and leads their pod into dangerously shallow waters. What do you think?
Roger Goodell Announces Thinking Too Hard About Football Has Given Him CTE #~# NEW YORK—The NFL community was rocked by another disclosure of a devastating brain injury Wednesday after commissioner Roger Goodell announced that thinking too hard about football had given him CTE. “It is with sadness that I tell you league doctors have diagnosed me with chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a condition I developed after repeated thoughts to the head,” Goodell, 63, said in a statement, adding that he sought medical attention Tuesday morning after the decision over whether to call a game between the Buffalo Bills and Cincinnati Bengals due to a player going into cardiac arrest on the field had caused him to think “way, way too hard” about football, which induced massive headaches accompanied by severe confusion. “Taking some Tylenol didn’t work, and I suddenly felt very angry at all the people asking me about football, so I went to the doctor. They informed me that after 16 years as commissioner of the league, repeatedly wondering whether football is good or bad had given me dozens of concussions. I want to take responsibility for my CTE, however, because I started having ideas about football at a young age, when my brain wasn’t fully developed, and I haven’t always worn a helmet when I thought about football. Now, I’ve unfortunately thought so much about football that I’m experiencing significant memory loss, and even suicidal ideation. I wish I had been more careful about thinking.” At press time, a visibly disoriented Goodell was seen standing nude outside NFL headquarters brandishing a handgun and threatening to end thoughts about football once and for all.
Biggest Things People Hate About ‘Wife Guys’ #~# “Wife guys,” a term that has grown in popularity on social media, is used to describe men who base their entire personalities on being married to their wives. Here are the biggest things people hate about wife guys.
Neurologists Confirm Nightmares Persist After Death #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding new light on what happens to humans after they die, a study published Wednesday in the Journal Of Neurology found that the nightmares will never cease, not even in death. “For decades, the consensus among scientists was that once life ended, the nightmares would end too, but new data confirms we were wrong,” said Harvard University neurologist and study co-author John Simmons, explaining that after death, residual electro-chemical impulses could still be detected in the human brain, but only in the portions of the amygdala and hippocampus responsible for the most painful, horrific, and humiliating dreams. “Our research indicates that long after death—as our bodies decompose and there is less and less of us physically—there remains behind a mental awareness that is actually quite powerful, though limited exclusively to hallucinatory visions of terror as we relive the most excruciating panic and torment our psyches endured in life. It appears, from a clinical perspective, that there is no escape.” Simmons added that the situation was somewhat different when a body was cremated, observing that in these cases the brain merely registered a sensation of continuous burning for all eternity. 
Kyler Murray Doing Everything Possible To Get Back On Xbox Live #~# GLENDALE, AZ—After receiving surgery to repair a torn ACL, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray reportedly vowed Wednesday that he was doing everything possible to get back on Xbox Live. “It’s been really difficult not to be out there competing in the Call Of Duty battle royale with my fellow gamers, but I’m willing to put in the work to get back in my gaming chair as soon as I can,” said Murray, acknowledging that while he didn’t have a firm timeline yet, he hoped to be fully recovered by September when NBA 2K24 comes out. “I may not be able to play, but rest assured I’ll be spending hours watching other players’ Twitch streams so I can keep my mind in Xbox mode and continue to look for new ways to improve my gameplay. Don’t worry I’ll have my headset on, doing what I can to help my Call Of Duty team while I’m on the sidelines. Rest assured that, by this time next year, I’ll be fully recovered and out there ready to be the last player standing in Modern Warfare II.” At press time, Cardinals coach Kliff Klingsbury added that the team would bring Murray’s recovery along slowly, but they were already impressed by the progress he’d shown on Madden 23’s Face of the Franchise Mode.
New York Bans Pet Stores From Selling Cats, Dogs, Rabbits #~# New York has become the latest state to ban the sale of cats, dogs, and rabbits in pet stores, passing a law that will take effect in 2024 and target commercial breeding operations decried by critics as “puppy mills.” What do you think?
Fetterman Struggling To Adapt To Size Of Capitol Building #~# WASHINGTON—Banging his head against the top of the dome in the rotunda, newly sworn-in Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) told reporters Wednesday he was struggling to adapt to the size of the Capitol Building. “I didn’t think the transition from small-town Pennsylvania would be easy, but I wasn’t expecting to have to grease myself up every day just to squeeze into the Senate chamber,” said Fetterman, adding that while he felt a bit out of place taking up one whole side of the aisle on the 9,000-square-foot Senate floor, everyone seemed nice and always greeted him when they noticed the Capitol shaking on his arrival. “It’s hard to be the new kid in a town that was designed back in the day, when the average American male was 5'7". [Majority Leader] Chuck [Schumer] told me the rooms were too small for me to actually sit on any committees, but said I could probably still poke my head in the door sometimes.” At press time, Fetterman had declined to attend a cocktail event with high-powered lobbyists, saying he didn’t want to visit an upscale D.C. restaurant where he knew he would never fit in.
James Patterson To Complete Unfinished Michael Crichton Book #~# Bestselling author James Patterson is set to complete an unfinished manuscript by the late Michael Crichton, a story in which the imminent eruption of Hawaii’s Mauna Loa volcano threatens a secret cache of deadly chemical weapons. What do you think?
NFL Releases Statement Clarifying There Are Not Things More Important Than Football #~# NEW YORK—A day after a game was stopped and then indefinitely postponed following the on-field cardiac arrest of Buffalo Bills safety Damar Hamlin, the NFL issued a statement this afternoon in which it clarified to the public that there are not things more important than football. “Understandably, what happened last night has led some fans to wonder where this league’s priorities lie, and so we want to make crystal clear that absolutely nothing in this world is more valuable than televised professional football,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said of the Bills-Bengals game, explaining how in an ideal world, football would be played continuously, with no timeouts and the games never ending, and with any injured and dead players simply shoveled off the field and replaced with new ones. “We saw a tragedy unfold in Cincinnati yesterday, and we must all work together to ensure gameplay is never halted again. One simply cannot place a value on an individual human life that is greater than the value of football in its great, ceaseless, all-consuming march.” Goodell went on to announce that the NFL would make amends for its mistake by extending regular season play well into February.  
Kevin McCarthy Assures Skeptical Republicans He Shares Their Vision Of Innocents Drowning In Oceans Of Blood #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to garner their support and become Speaker of the House, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) assured his skeptical GOP colleagues Tuesday that he shared their vision of innocents drowning in oceans of blood. “While I hear your concerns and am prepared to make a long list of concessions in exchange for your support, at the end of the day, we all want to joyously stomp on the necks of hardworking Americans as they pathetically cry out for a mercy that shall never come,” the California lawmaker said in an impassioned plea to House Republicans, responding to criticism from far-right members of his party who argue he no longer represents the values of those focused on littering this country from coast to coast with the gory entrails of its docile populace. “We cannot let  petty differences get in the way of what could be our most grisly era of violent brutality yet—not while there remains significant common ground on our big-picture goals of every street running red with the sputtering viscera of innocent women and children. I mean, certainly my record of damning my constituents to a life of unparalleled pain and suffering counts for something. Meanwhile, this infighting remains a useless distraction keeping us from slowly drawing our knives across the necks of ordinary Americans and letting the streams of gushing blood spill into our hands until a red tsunami washes away everything in a wave of ferocious splendor. Frankly, I cannot idly stand by as innocent people live to see another day. Can you?” At press time, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) said he would rather see Democrat Hakeem Jeffries take control of the House than someone as soft as McCarthy.
Politicians Explain Why They Oppose Term Limits #~# While term limits may be popular among young legislators, many older career politicians have bristled at the idea. The Onion asked politicians why they oppose caps on government leadership, and this is what they said.
Iconic Artist Of ‘Huge Titty Lois Griffin’ Sadly Remains Unrecognized In His Lifetime #~# TOLEDO, OH—Toiling in obscurity on his cartoon porn adaptations, Aaron Metzler, the iconic artist of Huge Titty Lois Griffin, sadly remains unrecognized in his lifetime, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Despite being the defining creator of the Family Guy erotic fan art genre, nobody even knows Metzler’s name,” said art critic Yves Bassett, claiming that Metzler’s seminal works, such as Stewie Blowing Brian’s Red Rocket and Cleveland Sitting On Quagmire’s Face, would only be understood and widely celebrated by the broader art community long after his death. “Mark my words: These giant cartoon knockers will be studied by art historians in universities for centuries to come. Yet as of now, Metzler’s DeviantArt account has fewer than 40 page views. It’s nothing short of a tragedy that he won’t live to see the tremendous impact his doodled depictions of pointy nipples will have on society.” At press time, Bassett claimed to be personally storing several terabytes of Metzler’s Family Guy porn in order to preserve the brilliant work for future generations.
France To Offer Free Condoms To Adults Up To Age 25 #~# French president Emmanuel Macron has announced that starting in 2023, condoms would be made available for free in pharmacies for 18- to 25-year-olds in a bid to reduce the spread of STIs, which increased by 30% over the last two years. What do you think?
Union-Busting Manager Graciously Accepts Pay Cut Because Boss Knows Best #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Acknowledging the sage decision by the people at the top, union-busting manager Dale Lynskey told reporters Tuesday that he graciously accepted a pay cut because his boss knows best. “Our CEO knows exactly what’s right for company, and obviously I was taking more money than my labor was worth, so I’m happy to right that wrong,” said Lynskey, who personally fired several employees who were secretly trying to organize coworkers to fight for fair wages and safe working conditions, noted that his 20% decrease in salary was all apart of the CEO’s plan that he assumed would benefit him in the long run. “I’m also back to taking on all the responsibilities of the unionizers I axed for no extra pay, which was a pretty financially savvy thing to do on the part of C-suite. Who am I to question it? He’s the boss and there’s a reason he’s the guy at the top, and I’m not.” At press time, Lynskey told reporters he didn’t need health insurance anyway, after the company completely stopped offering benefits in the CEO’s latest sensible cost-saving measure.
White House Now Just Saying That Biden 52 #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to allay voters’ concerns about the president’s age, officials at the White House are now just saying that Joe Biden is 52 years old, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Americans have made it clear they want to see younger leadership in the White House, and they’re in luck, because President Biden is only 52,” White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre told reporters, adding that Biden had only turned 52 that morning, so he was a young 52. “2024 is right around the corner, and a fresh-faced, Gen X candidate like Joe Biden stands the best chance of firing up the youth vote with his hip perspectives and boyish charisma. It’s time to end America’s gerontocracy and pass the torch to a new generation of leaders, and by the time he starts his second term, President Biden will only be 47—the prime of his life! His white hair is just a dye job to make him look a little more mature. In fact, doctors say his brain and heart actually look more like a 30-year-old’s. Yes, there are definitely big things ahead for this 41-year-old rising star of the Democratic Party!” Jean-Pierre went on to suggest that while Biden’s youth gives him a strong polling edge in prospective 2024 matchups, he’ll likely have to find a new running mate to replace 106-year-old Kamala Harris.
Man Walking Dog Will Be Judge Of What Warrants Sniffing #~# BOISE, ID—Tugging on the leash with a groan while walking his easily distracted dog, local man Kenneth Granger announced Monday that he would be the judge of what warranted sniffing. “Come on, no, you do not need to smell that fence again,” said a visibly annoyed Granger, noting that he found nothing particularly interesting about the partially dilapidated chain-link fence that he and his dog, Bandit, passed more than six times a day on average, and that to him only smelled like metal. “I thought I taught you to be a little more discerning, but until then, I’ll be the judge of what is and is not deserving of an extra whiff. A normal tree? Yeah, right, buddy, we have those in the yard—no need to waste another five seconds on this one. Oh, back to the fire hydrant—way to lean into stereotypes. Look, if I were you, I would go see what’s up with that single abandoned glove over there. Maybe it doesn’t smell as fascinating as a plain old signpost, but at least it’s something new.” At press time, Granger was seen nodding encouragingly as Bandit buried his snout in a stranger’s crotch.
Nation’s Men In Bathroom Stalls Announce Plan To Breathe Really Loudly #~# CHICAGO—Promising their groans would reverberate throughout the  restroom, the nation’s men in public bathroom stalls held a press conference Monday to announce their plan to breathe really loudly. “If you hear heavy mouth-breathing coming from behind this door, rest assured, that is us,” said a red-faced, profusely sweating Paul Langoni, who spoke on behalf of defecating men across the country, explaining that there would be many short grunts ramping up to a long, labored heave. “We want Americans to be prepared for this and know that it’s coming. While these intense and prolonged exhalations may startle you or make you uncomfortable, please be aware that even when you go to wash your hands, the sound of the faucet won’t be anywhere near loud enough to drown out our strained guttural noises. Thank you, and wish us luck.” Langoni stressed that no matter how concerned the public might become, no one should attempt to intervene unless, in their exertions, the nation’s men in bathroom stalls blew a cranial artery.
Biblical Archaeologists Uncover 2,000-Year-Old Poster-Board Photo Collage Displayed At Jesus’ Funeral #~# JERUSALEM—Shedding new light on the events that transpired after the crucifixion of the religious figure, biblical archaeologists from the University of Oxford announced Monday they had uncovered a 2,000-year-old poster-board photo collage that was displayed at the funeral of Jesus Christ. “This ancient tribute to the late Jesus of Nazareth most likely sat on an easel near the body as His followers mourned,” Professor Armand Socci said of the 22-by-28-inch card-stock triptych, which is covered in photos that have been pasted on at incongruous angles and which identifies itself as “A Celebration of the Life of Jesus” in letters stenciled and cut out of construction paper. “There are candid shots of Christ and His disciples hiking up Mount Tabor, and images from a wedding in Cana where He famously kept the celebration going by turning water into wine. It’s just a really sweet commemoration that Peter and the other apostles likely put together to memorialize one of their best friends and everything He brought to their lives.” The collage also reportedly documents a part of Jesus’ life completely omitted by the Bible, showing pictures of Him as an awkward teenager with a mullet and a thin, patchy mustache.
World’s Oldest Jeans Found In 1857 Shipwreck Sell For $114,000 #~# A pair of white, heavy-duty miner’s pants pulled from a 1857 shipwreck, which auction officials described as the oldest known pair of jeans in the world, have sold at auction for $114,000. What do you think?
REI Introduces Fleece Supplements To Insulate Digestive Tract #~# KENT, WA—Touting the new line of chewable tablets as a cold-weather essential for outdoor gastric activity,  retailer REI announced Monday that it had begun offering a new line of fleece supplements designed to insulate the digestive tract. “Just in time for those chilly winter hikes and camping trips, we’re introducing Fleece Chew, which with a single dose puts you well on your way to warmer and cozier internal organs,” said company CEO Eric Artz, who explained that the supplements expanded on contact with digestive juices, lining the walls of the mouth, throat, stomach, intestines, and rectum with a durable, relaxed-fit sherpa fleece made of 100% recycled polyester. “One tablet each day will protect against those cold winds that blow through the mouth and down the gastrointestinal tract when you’re cross-country skiing or scaling a snow-capped peaked. In fact, when you take a thermo-regulating fleece supplement, you lock in twice as much body  heat as you do when ingesting an ordinary jacket.” At press time, REI had recalled the new supplements after consumers reported the fleece causing massive bouts constipation.
Things To Never Say To Someone Who Loves Elon Musk #~# If you know someone who stans the almighty Meme Lord and CEO of the Boring Company Elon Musk, here are things you should never say.
New Zealand Imposes Lifelong Ban On Youth Buying Cigarettes #~# New Zealand has passed into law a unique plan to phase out tobacco smoking by imposing a lifetime ban on buying cigarettes for anybody born on or after Jan. 1, 2009, meaning the minimum age will keep going up as time goes on. What do you think?
E.U. To Allow Cell Phone Calls On Flights #~# The European Commission will permit airlines to provide 5G connectivity on board, allowing passengers to make phone calls and use high-speed data on their cell phones during their flight. What do you think?
NFL Gravediggers Rush To Field To Bury Unconscious Player #~# WASHINGTON—After a particularly bad hit to the head left a member of the Commanders unresponsive, NFL gravediggers were seen rushing to the field Sunday to deliver last rites and bury the unconscious player. Several reports indicated that the crew, which drove out of the stadium tunnel in a burgundy and gold  hearse, consisted of pallbearers, several brawny men with shovels, and a priest. According to sources, the NFL gravediggers cleared FedEx Field of athletes, dug a 6-foot-deep hole in the ground, checked the player for signs of life, and dropped his limp body into his final resting place. The priest reportedly turned on his microphone and delivered a 30-second eulogy. As coaches, teammates, and fans watched with bated breath, witnesses confirmed that the concussed athlete briefly gave a thumbs-up, but soon collapsed again, at which point the gravediggers proceeded to pick up their shovels, buried him under several feet of dirt, covered the hole with a fresh layer of sod, and quickly placed a Commanders-themed headstone emblazoned with “One Legacy. One Unified Future” at the grave site. At press time, over 67,000 spectators at FedEx Field were heard cheering wildly after a second player was knocked unconscious, picked up on a stretcher, and  thrown into a mass grave on the Commanders sidelines.
12-Year-Old Job Applicant Asked To Explain 12-Year Employment Gap On Résumé #~# LEE’S SUMMIT, MO—Expressing concern over the youngster’s suspiciously sparse work history and total lack of professional references, local factory manager Toby Walters asked a 12-year-old job applicant Tuesday to explain a 12-year employment gap on his résumé. “So, it says here, young man, that you haven’t had a job since you were zero years old—that’s an awfully long time to just be sitting at home, unemployed,” said Walters, adding that he could understand if the seventh-grader had taken off a few years here and there to take care of an aging relative, recover from an illness, or start a family, but failing to keep a steady job for his entire young life was a bit of a stretch. “Look, I don’t mean to be harsh, but I have several applicants here who are 12 years old and have held down jobs all their lives. It didn’t matter if they were homeless, sick, or even had a limb cut off right here in the factory. How are you supposed to compete with them when you haven’t been employed since you left the womb? Now you’re basically aging out of the workforce.” At press time, Walters told reporters he decided to give the 12-year-old upstart a chance, with the caveat that he fully expected his newest employee to immediately die on the job.
Supreme Court Questions Whether President Legally Allowed To Improve Americans’ Lives #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing deep skepticism about the constitutionality of such executive actions, members of the Supreme Court’s conservative majority raised questions during oral arguments Tuesday about whether the president was legally allowed to improve the lives of Americans. “Our founders, in their abundant wisdom, saw fit to restrain the commander-in-chief from benefiting the American people in any discernible way,” said Chief Justice John G. Roberts, who joined the court’s five other Republican appointees in casting doubt on presidential efforts to even slightly lessen the burden of everyday citizens, let alone secure them some measure of peace or happiness. “Indeed, precedent suggests that our Constitution was drawn up with an eye toward maintaining the public’s general misery. Separation-of-powers principles clearly indicate that the president’s job is primarily focused on one duty: giving speeches that nobody watches or cares about.” Roberts expressed enthusiasm, however, for a related case suggesting that the chief executive’s duties could sometimes include compounding the average American’s suffering as much as humanly possible.
Note From Shein Worker Hidden In Order States How Much He Loves Doing Sweatshop Labor #~# DECATUR, GA—Decorated with hearts and smiley faces, a note from a Shein factory worker found Tuesday in local woman Amelia Benson’s order described how much the employee loves doing sweatshop labor for the fast-fashion company. “My job is great! You should order more clothes, because I love making them!” read the message by a laborer from Guangzhou, China, who works up to 18 hours a day, is allowed one day off each month, and earns 4 cents for every garment she completes. “The working conditions here are great, and there is no need to contact the authorities! I hope to spend the rest of my life making 500 articles of clothing per day. Anyway, enjoy your $12 peacoat.” At press time, Benson had reportedly posted an angry review about the poor quality of her item on Shein’s website, demanding that whoever made it be fired.
FBI Releases List Of 10 Weirdest People Who Are Actually Harmless Once You Get To Know Them #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that it was important to always stay vigilant but not freak out about them or anything, the FBI released a list Tuesday of the 10 weirdest people who are actually harmless once you get to know them. “After countless hours of surveillance and research, we have determined that the following people are the most off-putting freaks in America but if you see them, you ultimately have nothing to worry about,” said FBI director Christopher Wray, adding that while each individual had extensive histories of saying odd phrases, pacing, or dressing in crazy outfits, they ultimately wouldn’t hurt anyone. “We’d like to reiterate that the top wackadoos on this list definitely freaked us out at first, with their odd hairdos, the big books they were always reading, and the fact that many of them would randomly skip down the street and sing a song. But in the end, we determined they were absolutely not a danger to anyone, and were actually pretty friendly. You maybe just don’t want to engage with them for too long.” At press time, Wray announced that the FBI had assassinated the highest ranking weird guy after he put on a funky hat and started walking towards a nice suburban neighborhood.
Report: We Can Tell You’ve Been Clicking On Other Websites #~# CHICAGO—In a comprehensive and damning assessment of where your good-for-nothing ass has been since the last time we saw you, a new report published Tuesday said that we can tell you’ve been clicking on other websites again.
Zelensky Requests U.S. Tank Autographed By Shaquille O’Neal #~# KYIV, UKRAINE—Pointing out that every armored vehicles they have received to date lacked signatures of basketball greats, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky requested Tuesday that the United States government send a tank autographed by Shaquille O’Neal. “While we appreciate the many Javelin anti-aircraft systems and artillery, none of them were signed by one of the best NBA centers of all time, the Big Shamrock himself,” said Zelensky, explaining that he and the rest of the nation were huge fans and an M1 Abrams tank with a signature in big letters across the vehicle’s side skirt or turret from the four-time NBA champion would really help the war effort and boost morale of the Ukrainian people. “We all grew up watching The Diesel and if we had a tank signed by Shaq, who dominated the court for 19 years, it would inspire us to dominate the Russians on the battlefield. Also, if the signed tank could also be transported in an acrylic protective case, that would be great.” At press time, Zelensky had posted the one-of-a-kind Shaquille O’Neal-signed tank on eBay.
Scientists Discover New Core At Center Of Earth #~# Researchers have confirmed the existence of a distinct structure inside our planet’s inner core, saying the newly discovered “innermost inner core” is a solid ball of iron and nickel about 800 miles wide that could help inform the evolution of Earth’s magnetic field. What do you think?
Conservatives Explain Why They Support ‘National Divorce’ Of Red, Blue States #~# Far-right congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) recently made headlines when she advocated for a “national divorce” of red and blue states. The Onion asked conservatives why they support secession, and this is what they said.
Bud Selig Admits Taking Steroids Throughout Commissionership #~# MILWAUKEE, WI—Reflecting on the aspects of his tenure as the top executive of Major League Baseball, Bud Selig on Tuesday reportedly admitted to taking steroids throughout his commissionership. “Sure, I did some performance-enhancing drugs, but you have to understand, that’s just how things were done back in the day,” said Selig, adding that he took anabolic steroids, as well as human growth hormone in order to gain an edge over the other MLB front-office executives. “Show me a commissioner who didn’t take steroids in the ’90s. It’s out of necessity, really—there are over 2,000 games in the season, and if you’re going to be able to oversee all of them at a high level, you’re going to need a little boost. And while I’m not trying to promote steroids, it’s worth noting that many of my greatest accomplishments, like interleague play and giving the All-Star Game winners home-field advantage in the World Series, might not have happened without a little bit of something extra. I certainly don’t think it should be disqualifying for me to have made the Hall of Fame.” Selig also defended taking steroids by noting that drug use among commissioners had been common across MLB history, including Bowie Kuhn, who reportedly used amphetamines during his tenure in the 1970s and early ’80s, and Kenesaw Mountain Landis, who consumed copious amounts of cocaine and alcohol during the 1920s.
Penguin To Publish ‘Classic’ Roald Dahl Books After Censorship Backlash #~# Publisher Penguin Random House announced it will release a new collection of Roald Dahl’s children’s novels in their original form after it received criticism for cuts and rewrites removing language that may be offensive to some modern-day readers. What do you think?
Cheap Nation Falling Apart #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of a series of incidents that called the country’s infrastructure quality into question, multiple sources reportedly confirmed on Monday that the cheap nation is falling apart. “Pretty much everything in this country is coming apart at the seams,” said Tempe, AZ security guard Sean McGovney, noting that no one should have really expected a nation of such shoddy construction to last as long as one built with care. “You just worry that the whole thing is going to collapse at any time, and it’s no wonder, given the flimsiness of the scaffolding. Anyone who’s built a nation before will tell you that if you’re going to take shortcuts up front, you’re going to pay for them down the road. Plus, the whole thing’s filled with toxic chemicals. You can see where they tried to patch up some of the flaws, too, but it’s such shoddy workmanship that it actually ends up bringing more attention to it. Honestly, I think there’s something wrong with the foundation. You might as well just tear it down and start over.” Multiple sources also expressed concerns that not taking a proactive route to fix the cheaply built nation could end up with someone getting really hurt. 
Dalai Lama Worried There’s Nothing More To Life Than Feeling Deep Connection With All Existence #~# MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Letting out a sigh as he buried his head in his hands, the Dalai Lama reportedly was worried Monday that there was nothing more to life than feeling a deep connection with all existence. “Wait, so all there is to life is experiencing the full profundity of the interconnectedness of all things to each other, and that’s it?” said His Holiness, who grew increasingly panicked after realizing his entire time on this Earth would just be spent embodying the ultimate truth that there is no self and that all things are unified in their infinite potentiality. “So I’m just supposed to keep living day to day knowing that I contain all of the universe and the universe contains all of me? Fuck. And I have infinite lifetimes of this transcendence? Ugh, you’ve gotta be kidding me.” At press time, the Dalai Lama reportedly attempted to distract himself by buying a PS5.
Mattel Confirms That Animated Version Of Barney Still Has Man Inside #~# EL SEGUNDO, CA—In an effort to stay as faithful to the original character as possible, Mattel confirmed Monday that the animated Barney in their upcoming reboot would still have a man inside. “Although this cartoon version of Barney might look different than the Barney of your childhoods, Barney the big purple dinosaur will always, always have a rude, middle-aged alcoholic operating him at all times,” said Mattel CEO Ynon Kreiz, adding that while this Barney may have bigger eyes, a more contoured face, and shinier teeth, the disheveled and deeply flawed man within the dinosaur would still swear, chain smoke, and occasionally urinate all over himself. “Barney might have left TV for a few years, but the man inside him is still here and in many ways, he’s sicker and more disgusting than ever. We’re so excited for the next generation of kids to watch the man take off Barney’s head, vomit, and then begin disrobing to have sex with a prostitute. It just wouldn’t be Barney without him.” At press time, Mattel announced that the show had been put on hold indefinitely  after a graphic episode where the man inside Barney overdosed on drugs, lit a fire inside his costume, and was viciously beaten by a violent debt collector.
Biden Announces Nation Can Stay Up Till 9:30 Tonight #~# WASHINGTON—Sighing as he gave in to the demands of all 330 million Americans, President Joe Biden announced Monday that the nation could stay up until 9:30 p.m. just this once. “But then it’s straight off to bed, no complaining,” said the commander in chief, informing the U.S. populace that, should they choose to stay up past their normal bedtime of 8:45, it would mean forgoing a bedtime story and going directly to lights out. “You can watch one episode of Gilmore Girls and eat one Oreo each, okay? But don’t get used to this. And you have to promise me that no one’s going to wake up in the middle of the night and ask to come sleep with me again. If you’re a nation that’s grown up enough to stay up late, you can certainly sleep in your own beds.” At press time, Biden was heard screaming at the nation that it’s 10:15, that he doesn’t care what time Canada goes to bed, and that as long as they’re living in this country, he gets to make the rules.
What Fox News Anchors Said Privately About Trump’s Election Lies #~# Even as Fox News anchors peddled lies about the 2020 election, newly revealed text messages reveal they privately mocked the 45th president and his false claims. According to the latest Dominion Voting Systems filing, here’s what Fox News anchors said about Donald Trump behind the scenes.
One In 8 Americans Over 50 Addicted To Highly Processed Foods #~# A new poll found that one in eight adults between the ages of 50 and 80 reported signs of addiction to highly processed foods, with symptoms including intense cravings, inability to cut down intake despite a desire to do so, and signs of withdrawal. What do you think?
Problematic Friend Argues That Kanye Makes Some Good Points About Shoes #~# CHICAGO—Causing everyone in the conversation to feel awkward about his concerning statements, sources confirmed Monday that their problematic friend began arguing that controversial rapper and designer Kanye West actually made some good points about shoes. “All I’m saying is some of the things he’s been saying about shoes aren’t entirely inaccurate,” said Lance Harris, explaining that Ye is simply being silenced for fighting back against the dominant forces that control footwear. “People are blowing what he’s saying out of proportion; he’s just got revolutionary ideas on sneakers that most just aren’t ready for. Don’t you think it’s a little suspicious how much money goes to them? Some people just aren’t ready to accept the truth about shoes.” At press time, Harris had reportedly gone off the deep end by claiming the shoes will replace us. 
Week In Review: February 26, 2023 #~# It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As Possible
Man Has To Admit Air Fryer That Burned Down House Did Pretty Good Job On Tater Tots #~# TACOMA, WA—Claiming the defective unit was a game changer, local man Ralph Keizer had to admit Friday that the air fryer that burned down his house did a good job on tater tots. “Aside from bursting into flames and turning my home into an inferno, I gotta say, this air fryer did an absolutely amazing job on these tots,” said Keizer, snacking on his perfectly cooked tater tots amidst the charred rubble of his former home. “They’re both perfectly crispy and fluffy. What more could you ask for, other than to still have my house? And it uses so little oil, which is good because all mine was lost in the fire.” At press time, Keizer added that his family who burned to death in the fire would have loved the tater tots.
Survey Finds Americans Have $21 Billion In Unspent Gift Cards #~# A new survey found that 47% of Americans have one unused gift card, voucher, or store credit, totaling $21 billion nationwide, with the average person having $175 in such unused funds. What do you think?
War-Weary Americans Not Sure How Much Longer They Can Occasionally Glance At Headlines About Ukraine #~# WASHINGTON—Worn down and weakened by the one-year anniversary of the war’s media coverage, a weary U.S. populace confirmed Friday they were not sure how much longer they could occasionally glance at headlines about Ukraine. “Scrolling by all those pictures of crying children and bombed cities—I just don’t know if I have it in me anymore,” said  sales executive John Hollencamp, echoing the dismay of millions of individuals across the country who feared they no longer had the resolve to read a full headline about the Russian invasion of Ukraine, let alone click on a link to an article. “Every day, I find myself pining for my old life, those carefree days when I didn’t even give Ukraine a passing thought. I really didn’t know how good I had it. Sometimes I’ll stare at a photo of an amputee for two seconds, but that’s really all I have left within me. There’s only so much photojournalism one man can take.” At press time, Hollencamp added he was still holding out hope that war coverage would end soon.
Panicked ‘Cocaine Bear’ Producers Scrambling To Expand 4 Minutes Of Social Media Clips Into Actual Movie #~# HOLLYWOOD—Rushing to gather as much footage as they could piece together from what was already available on the internet, panicked producers of the film Cocaine Bear were scrambling Friday to expand four minutes of social media clips into an actual movie. “Shit, we didn’t think anyone was actually going to expect an entire feature film version of the six or seven clips that are on Twitter and Facebook,” said producer Elizabeth Banks, doing her best to remain composed as she used the same clip of the bear looking angry multiple times to create several more minutes of a final cut. “If I put all the scenes of the bear chasing Keri Russell and the other cast members in slow-mo, that will probably get us  to about 15 or 20 minutes. Damn, I’m just going to have to loop the clip of the bear attacking that guy a bunch of times and hope nobody notices.” At press time, Banks was frantically putting the finishing touches on an extended 45-minute credits sequence for the film’s release this weekend.
Russia Suspends Only Remaining Major Nuclear Treaty With U.S. #~# Russian president Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be suspending the New START nuclear arms reduction treaty with the United States when it expires in 2026, imperiling the last remaining pact that regulates the world’s two largest nuclear arsenals. What do you think?
Nation Installs 2,000 Mile Long Privacy Curtain After Mexico Sees It Naked #~# U.S.-MEXICO BORDER—Emphasizing that the event had left citizens feeling embarrassed and exposed, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas announced Friday that the nation had installed a 2,000-mile-long privacy curtain after Mexico saw it naked. “Starting today, the entire U.S.-Mexico border will be covered in red drapes so that when America showers, there’s no way Mexico can see,” said Mayorkas, adding that the last time Mexico walked in on the U.S., they saw all 350 million Americans naked, covered in soap, feverishly screaming “get out” in unison. “While the United States remains rather embarrassed, they were luckily able to obscure their private parts before the nation of Mexico covered its eyes, shrieked ‘we’re sorry,’ and then ran away crying. We hope we can eventually move past this, so when the nations meet again, they won’t just blush and avoid eye contact.” At press time, the U.S. population had reportedly hopped in the shower, pulled back the privacy curtain, and asked all 129 million Mexican citizens if they liked what they saw.
Things No One Tells You About Being A Sperm Donor #~# Studies show that 100% of men are sperm donors, yet many donors aren’t familiar with all the intricacies of the process. Here are things that no one tells you about being a sperm donor.
Man Kicks Himself After Thinking Of Perfect Gun He Could Have Used To Win Argument #~# AUGUSTA, GA—Lamenting how painfully obvious it was in retrospect, local man Aaron Thompson told reporters Friday he was kicking himself after thinking of the perfect gun he could have used to win an argument. “God, I feel so dumb, I just stood there like an idiot when the perfect semiautomatic weapon was staring me in the face the whole time,” said Thompson, adding that he couldn’t stop replaying the dispute with his boss, each time imagining how much better it would have been if he had used an AR-15. “Just 30 seconds after I left the room, I knew exactly how I should have done it, and how I should have shot him dead right then and there. I practiced blowing his head off so many times in my head before we spoke, but in the end, I just choked. Ugh. I’m such a pussy.” At press time, Thompson was reportedly kicking himself after he called another meeting with his boss, gotten into an argument, and then messed it up again by shooting off his foot.
Bill Gates Ponders What He Could Have Accomplished If He Didn’t Waste Time Becoming Billionaire #~# MEDINA, WA—Calling everything he had done in his life and career up to this point in time “absolutely worthless,” Bill Gates told reporters Friday that he wondered what he could have accomplished if he didn’t waste time becoming a billionaire. “It’s sad to think about, but I ultimately could have done some truly amazing things with my life if I hadn’t spent every waking minute accumulating absolutely ungodly amounts of wealth,” said the Gates Foundation co-chair, adding that he had so many opportunities to do things like end world hunger and eradicate poverty, but instead he opted to piss his time away focusing on acquiring and hoarding over $118 billion. “With the kind of fortune I have, I know deep down that I easily could have ended climate change, promoted human rights, or provided meals to children starving to death both in the U.S. and abroad. The truth is, if I’d really wanted to, I could have made the world an amazing place for my kids to grow up in, but instead I went and spent all my time making computers, buying farmland, and being one of the top 10 richest people on the planet. Fucking pathetic.” At press time, Gates added that if he could do it all over again, he would focus less on the money and more on his family, friends, and the underage girls on Jeffrey Epstein’s island.
FDA Rules Any White Liquid Can Be Called Milk #~# WASHINGTON—Announcing that the overly restrictive rules would be rolled back once and for all, the Food and Drug Administration announced Thursday that any white liquid could now be called “milk.” “Starting today, any opaque liquid that is pale in color can legally be labeled ‘milk,’ regardless of its origin, taste, or smell,” said FDA chief Dr. Robert M. Califf, adding that after months of crafting the new regulation, substances like clam juice, tofu runoff, sunscreen, and white paint could now be sold freely in the dairy aisle. “Glue is now milk. Egg white is milk. Even semen is now milk, no matter what species the semen comes from! Bottom line, as far as we’re concerned, if you can put it in a bottle or carton and then pour it into a glass, that’s milk. Period.” At press time, the FDA recalled several million gallons of milk  after the white liquid was found to have come from the udder of a bovine animal.
‘I Hope Joe Burrow Takes A Team-Friendly Deal,’ Says Fan Who Will Be Laid Off Without Severance #~# WOOSTER, OH—With the Cincinnati Bengals quarterback’s future uncertain going into the final year of his contract, one local fan  reportedly made his position clear Thursday: “I hope Joe Burrow takes a team-friendly deal,” said sales rep Matt Derby, who will soon be laid off without severance. “The Bengals front office believed in him, and he owes it to them to come back for his next contract at a discount,” said Derby, who is reportedly unaware that he will be terminated from the job he has held for nine years in four months’ time and will receive no compensatory pay. “You’ve got to do whatever you can to allow the team to go out and acquire more weapons for a Super Bowl run, and I just hope Burrow doesn’t selfishly put himself first. Those guys already make so much money anyway, and he owes it to the fans to take a pay cut. And if he won’t play ball, let him walk, and the Bengals can just find another guy, [the same as my company will when they cut me loose without so much as an extra few days of health coverage, never mind a thank you, and cause me to become steadily depressed while I spend an entire year desperately searching for a new job].” At press time, the fan’s friend, local assistant restaurant manager Chris Wharton, said that star players like Burrow have too much control right before answering a call from his boss where he was informed he’ll have to work all weekend. 
Pete Buttigieg Under Fire For Using Federal Funds For Gilded Handcar #~# WASHINGTON—With watchdog groups decrying yet another instance of corruption by high-placed government officials, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was reportedly under fire Thursday for using federal funds for rides on a gilded handcar. “Government documents show that in the year 2022 alone, Secretary Buttigieg used over $12 million of taxpayer money for the personal use of a luxury government pump trolley,” wrote ProPublica journalist Bethany Pace, whose investigation found that the head of the U.S. Department of Transportation, his aides, and even his family used lavish government handcars for personal travel across the country. “Like many other U.S. officials, Secretary Buttigieg is showing his contempt for American taxpayers by wasting their hard-earned money on frivolous handcar excursions. Agency documents show that the secretary and several transportation industry lobbyists hand-cranked the gold-covered, diamond-encrusted handcar for three separate weekend trips. This is a flagrant disregard for the standards of his office, and he should not expect everyday Americans to foot the bill for posh overnight getaways  on the rails with his family. He should be taking public handcars like everyone else.” Buttigieg was also accused of misusing government funds on lavish private dinners, including one banquet last fall where he and several other agency officials reportedly consumed over $500,000 of salt pork, hardtack, and cowboy coffee. 
2,000-Year-Old Roman Sex Toy Found In England #~# Experts say that a nearly 2,000-year-old wooden, penis-shaped object that was recently discovered in England could have served as a sexual tool by ancient Romans in Britain. What do you think?
Fish And Wildlife Service Announces Great Trout War Has Finally Ended #~# WASHINGTON—In response to decades of hostility coming to a close, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced Thursday that the Great Trout War had finally ended.   “After 12 years of conflict, trout leaders have signed an accord at the Lake Superior Summit putting an end to the war that has taken countless trout lives,” said Fish and Wildlife Service director Martha Williams, explaining that the U.S. would now be pulling troops out of their bases in the Cuyahoga and Rio Grande rivers. “After decades of bloody infighting, peace, as fragile as it may be, has been forged between the trout dynasties. The Brown Trout Triumvirate has complied with the Rainbow Trout Federation’s demands, while the extremist Cutthroat Trout Syndicate has surrendered. They almost fought themselves to extinction, and as there are no real winners in a conflict so destructive, we are just happy that we were able to install democracy into our nation’s rivers and streams.” At press time the U.S. was criticized for only being involved in the Great Trout War to push imperialist interests.
What To Know About ‘The Last Of Us’ #~# The Last Of Us, the post-apocalyptic drama series based on a 2013 video game, has shot to both commercial and critical stardom. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about The Last Of Us.
Nation In State Of Emergency After Entire Population Goes Missing #~# WASHINGTON—An AMBER Alert ringing out across the country to no one, the nation was placed in a state of emergency Thursday after the entire population went missing. “After being unable to determine the whereabouts of all 330 million residents of the U.S., we have been forced to declare a state of emergency,” read a statement from authorities, who were nowhere to be found, explaining that every single man, woman, and child in the country was last seen living their regular lives drinking with friends, shopping for groceries, and hiking before mysteriously vanishing without a trace. “Unfortunately, not a single person in the nation left any notes behind that would give us any hints as to where they may have gone. We are also unable to form a search party to look for them given anyone we could ask to look has also gone missing.” At press time, every single American had turned up in Serbia living under false identities.
Saddest Requests Elon Musk Has Made At Twitter Since Taking Over #~# Since taking over as the CEO of Twitter, Elon Musk has instituted several sad, pathetic company policies driven almost entirely by his ego. Here are the most cringe-worthy requests Musk has made so far.
First Generation iPhone Sells For $63,000 #~# A factory-sealed, first-generation iPhone sold at auction for $63,356.40, more than 100 times its original price, after a woman was gifted the phone in 2007, but never opened it because she didn’t want to get rid of her other phone. What do you think?
‘10 Palestinians Dead After Israeli Raid,’ Reads Headline That Could Have Run Any Week For Past 75 Years #~# NABLUS,  WEST BANK—In a journalistic dispatch produced moments after the  military operation, the headline ‘10 Palestinians Dead After Israeli  Raid’ was published Wednesday as part of a news story that reportedly  could have run any week for the past 75 years. “At least 10  Palestinians were confirmed killed, with dozens more severely wounded,”  continued the article that sources confirmed could theoretically have been released at any juncture since the mid-20t century, and,  indeed, decades before then. “Found  among the rubble were children and elderly residents, several of whom are now in critical condition. Scores  of others were injured in the raid.” At press time, world leaders were  calling the loss of life “concerning” in statements that will almost  certainly continue to be released for decades into the future.
Baltimore Ravens Top ESPN’s Way-Too-Late 2012 NFL Power Rankings #~# BRISTOL, CT—ESPN reportedly encouraged their readers to debate a new list the site published Wednesday, declaring that the Baltimore Ravens topped their way-too-late 2012 NFL Power Rankings. “Sure, in 2023 it might seem way overdue to be speculating on who was looking good in 2012, but I have to go with the Ravens in the No. 1 slot based purely on the fact that they won the Super Bowl that season,” wrote ESPN reporter Tim McManus, urging readers to share the list far and wide online and to keep clicking to ESPN’s new way-too-late player rankings that had Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson as the 2012 MVP. “It might be controversial, but I have to go with the San Francisco 49ers in the number two slot, because ultimately, I think they had the talent to make it to the Super Bowl. And of course, you don’t want to write off the New England Patriots juggernaut, but since I get to make the rankings, it’s way too late to suggest that Tom Brady & co. won’t be able to beat the Ravens in the AFC Championship. And my heart goes out to fans of the Kansas City Chiefs, who our way-to-late rankings have finishing dead last, at 2-14 on the season—hopefully there are better times ahead.” The way-too-late rankings are reportedly part of ESPN’s strategy to increase pageviews with content ranking elements of the distant future and the remote past, as well as speculative time; as of this writing, the site’s featured story was “Our Way-Too-Incomprehensible 28999X9 NFL Rankings Show Bo Jackson’s Reanimated Corpse Leading The Austro-Hungarian Cowboys To The Bottom Of The Sea.”
Astute Movie Viewer Can Tell Dog Not Really Talking #~# LA GRANGE, IL—Demonstrating his extensive knowledge of the film industry, astute moviegoer Xavier Hoffman was reportedly able to discern Wednesday that the dog on screen was not really talking. “It may look real to the untrained eye, but if you look very closely, you’ll notice that they’re lips aren’t actually moving,” said Hoffman, who pointed out that although the golden retriever’s head occasionally jerked to and fro as the character addressed the others on screen, for the most part, the dog actor’s mostly panting mouth did not line up with the dialogue of the film. “Yep, that’s fake. Back in the day, Hollywood used to use real talking dogs all the time, but I guess they’re too cheap and just cut corners now. I only know because I watch so many movies. Another trick you can use is to look up the credits. I’ll give it to them though, they almost had me. That said, the cat is actually talking.” At press time, Hoffman added that at the very least, the filmmakers were using lip-synching. 
Woman Just Has One Of Those Faces Strangers Feel Comfortable Masturbating To #~# CHICAGO—Laughing off another encounter, this time while riding the bus, local woman Lillian Bedford confirmed Wednesday that she just has one of those faces strangers feel comfortable masturbating to. “Waiting for a train, in line at the supermarket—people always come right up to me and start playing with themselves,” said Bedford, adding that she suspects it’s her disarming smile that puts strangers at ease enough to approach her in public and begin aggressively massaging their genitals. “It happens everywhere. Even if I’m standing with a group of friends, they march right up to me specifically and tell me they’re going to cover me in dick nectar. I think it has something to do with energy, like maybe my aura is giving off vibes that are especially welcoming to loads of cum. A lot of people tell me I look familiar, too, like they’ve jerked off to me somewhere before. One guy even said it was because I reminded him of his mother. I don’t mind, though. It’s not like I’m so busy that I can’t stop for a couple minutes and let them climax.” At press time, Bedford wondered aloud if her magnetic personality had anything to do with the fact that she was constantly masturbating in public.
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With J.K. Rowling #~# J.K. Rowling: “Tell me which genitals you have right now.”
Parents Trick Child Into Eating More Vegetables By Hitting Him If He Doesn’t Eat Vegetables #~# DAYTON, OH—Insisting that it worked every time, local parents Lewis and Dawn Ladin tricked their child into eating more vegetables Wednesday by hitting him if he didn’t eat his vegetables. “I’ve found the best way to dupe my kid into eating healthy is to clobber him if he refuses,” said Lewis Ladin, claiming that sneakily smacking his son in the back of the head never failed to get the child to scarf down a full serving of broccoli. “If he’s being particularly finicky about having his greens, sometimes I like to hide cauliflower in a sock and wail on him with that. Now he begs to eat spinach rather than endure the thrashing.” At press time, Ladin told his son that eating his Brussels sprouts was essential for growing up big and strong enough to fight back.
Alabama Taking Steps Toward Using Nitrogen As Execution Method #~# Alabama officials say they are close to completing a protocol for using inert gas asphyxiation to carry out executions, a method that would force an individual to only breathe in nitrogen, depriving them of the oxygen needed to maintain bodily functions. What do you think?
Over 100 Children Found Working Hazardous Jobs At Slaughterhouses #~# The Labor Department found that a major U.S. sanitation company illegally employed at least 102 children as young as 13 at over a dozen slaughterhouses in jobs that had them using caustic chemicals to clean razor-sharp saws. What do you think?
Ohio Officials Point At Glass Of Water To Assure East Palestine Residents It Safe To Look At #~# EAST PALESTINE, OH—Stressing that there was nothing to worry about in the wake of a derailment of a train carrying the toxic chemical vinyl sulfide, Ohio officials pointed at a glass of water at a press conference Tuesday to assure residents that it was still safe to look at. “See? Absolutely nothing to worry about glancing at a full cup of water taken from this town’s water supply—here! I’ll do it myself!” said Governor Mike DeWine as he maintained firm eye contact with the drinking vessel, admitting that there was a slight tingling in his ears but that this was expected from looking at any normal glass of water. “Don’t be afraid to turn on your shower and really take a gander. Obviously, don’t look too long, or else you’ll get a little ache behind your eyes like I am right now. Huh, it actually kind of hurts. I want to look away, but I can’t. Sorry about this. I might need a second.” At press time, the governor’s head had imploded.
U.S. Successfully Shoots Down Kid Jumping Too High On Trampoline #~# WASHINGTON—Following weeks of closer scrutiny into objects entering U.S. airspace, Pentagon officials announced Tuesday that they’d successfully shot down a kid jumping too high on a trampoline. “The airborne object spotted about nine feet above a small midwestern town was successfully downed by an American F-22 with NORAD,” said Pentagon press secretary Brig. Gen. Patrick Ryder, confirming that the kid had been jumping way too high to not pose a very real threat to civilian air traffic. “We noticed the suspicious 10-year-old repeatedly approaching the United States fly zone on an erratic launch pattern, and our people had no record of approval for him to be at that altitude. As soon as we saw him bringing in a huskier boy for a double-bouncing maneuver, we knew we had to take action. We have not yet identified the purpose of such vigorous jumping, but we do believe his intentions were to get a better look at the rest of the neighborhood from up high in order to gather confidential state secrets.” At press time, the Pentagon claimed to have found additional evidence that the bouncing child was sent to the Michigan suburb by a foreign terror organization.
Apologetic Don Lemon Clarifies A Woman’s Relevance Is Not Defined By Age, But Conventional Attractiveness #~# NEW YORK—Walking back his previous comments that Republican presidential hopeful Nikki Haley was past her “prime,” an apologetic Don Lemon clarified to reporters Tuesday that a woman’s relevance was not defined by age, but by conventional attractiveness. “It doesn’t matter if a woman is in her 20s or her 70s, her value is only dependent on how hot she is by traditional beauty standards,” said Lemon, adding that as long as a woman has an hourglass figure and symmetrical features that are pleasing to the eye, she can continue to be a valuable contribution to society way past 40. “The reference I made to a woman’s ‘prime’ was unartful and irrelevant, and I realize that being younger does not automatically give someone more worth, especially if they’re overweight. The only requirement a woman needs in order to have any relevance is to be a total smoke show.” Lemon continued that he was extremely sorry for suggesting that Nikki Haley was past her prime when really all she needed was a little Botox or filler.
Biden Informs Zelensky He Only There To See Ukrainian Woman He Met Online #~# KYIV, UKRAINE—Arriving with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers tucked under his arm, President Joe Biden informed Volodymr Zelensky on Tuesday that he was only in the region to visit a local woman he met online. “Sorry, pal, I can’t stick around—do you know where any internet cafes are? I don’t want to keep Nadiya waiting,” said Biden, who opened up the camera roll on his phone to show Zelensky a photo of the Ukrainian woman he had been chatting with over Facebook Messenger for the past seven months, stating that she was apparently 53 years old and loved the Minions franchise. “We talk practically every day. I send her a ‘good morning’ text when I wake up, and I send a ‘good night’ text before I go to bed. I think there might be a time zone difference, but still. She’s a classic beauty, isn’t she? I’m telling you, I feel a real connection with this woman. I hope she isn’t surprised to see me.” At press time, Biden told Zelensky he was going to need to take back some aid since Nadiya had asked him to send her $700.
Study Finds More Americans Turning To Own Feverish Imaginations For News #~# NEW  YORK—A major study published Tuesday by the Center for Media Relations revealed that more  Americans than ever are turning to their own feverish imaginations for  the news. “The majority of Americans just no longer trust mainstream  news sources and are instead looking to their own deranged psyches to  determine whether the moon is Chinese or gay people are coming to steal  their clothes,” said study co-author Terrance Adams, pointing to eroding  faith in establishment media organizations like ABC, CBS, and NBC for the rise in  Americans looking to whatever insane whim flits across their  consciousness to understand if leprechauns are real or if infectious  diseases are caused by tiny men inside their blood. “Of course, there  are advantages to relying on sources like the deepest, most untethered  corners of your mind. For example, it can simply make up a demented  answer to a question on any topic on the spot. Legacy media operations  really can’t keep up with that pace.” Adams rushed to add that the study  didn’t apply to Rupert Murdoch, who could see his own febrile  imagination on display daily on Fox News.
Man Never Thought He’d Become One Of Those Bug-Laid-Eggs-In-His-Ear Kind Of Guys #~# NORRISTOWN, PA—Expressing disbelief in how different his life had turned out, local man Jerrod Kendal told reporters Tuesday that he never thought he would become one of those bug-laid-eggs-in-his-ear kind of guys. “Sure, I always thought there was a chance I’d one day grow up to be a tapeworm-in-the-digestive-system type, but a fly-larva-in-the-ear-canal person? Never in a million years—Yet, here I am,” said Kendal, adding that as a kid, he figured by the time he was 40, he might have a tick burrow into his flesh or his body might host a nematode, but noted that obviously things change as one gets older. “You hear about bug-laid-eggs-in-their-ears guys all the time, but you never think that’s going to be you until you wake up one morning with maggots crawling out of your head. I used to look down on those who scooped insect eggs out of that particular orifice, but now that I’m one of them, I see how judgmental I used to be and now embrace who I’ve become.” At press time, Kendal admitted that he also never thought he’d have spiders living in his brain either, but as he’s learned in his short time here on this earth, life’s full of surprises.
Woman Surprised By How Easy It Is To Get Along With Sister Now That They’re Adults Who Never See Each Other #~# DOVER, NH—Calling it a 180-degree pivot from the bitterness and animosity of their youth, local woman Talia Bowman told reporters Tuesday that she was surprised by how easy it was to get along with her sister now that the two of them were adults who never saw each other. “When we were kids, we used to say the cruelest things and scream and fight until we would both cry, but I guess our relationship has just been able to mellow out since we’ve become older and more mature with 3,000 miles between us,” said Bowman, who expressed her absolute relief and delight that the two didn’t go at each other’s throats anymore now that they had moved to opposite sides of the country and not had a conversation since 2009. “I would mock her acne, and she would tell me I couldn’t borrow her clothes because I was too fat. But now I can’t even remember what her face looks like! Isn’t it nice how sometimes those things just work themselves out with time? Getting along is just so effortless now that we’re at the point where I wouldn’t even recognize her on the street.” At press time, Bowman added that even her relationship with her parents had improved with time now that the two of them were dead. 
Weirdest Things People Do To Celebrate Mardi Gras #~# Mardi Gras is a raucous festival that starts on Fat Tuesday and lasts until Ash Wednesday. Here are the strangest things Catholics do to celebrate the holiday.
God Admits He’s A Little Flattered When Someone Kills In His Name #~# HEAVEN—Saying  He guessed His love language was just acts of service, the Lord God, He  Who Commanded Light To Shine From The Darkness, admitted Tuesday that He  is still a little flattered when someone kills in His name. “Yeah, I  know, I know—people shouldn’t do it, but I can’t help but feel a bit  touched when someone blows up a couple dozen people in a crowded  marketplace just for little old Me,” said the Divine Creator, adding  that when He got down in the dumps, it was a real pick-me-up to be  reminded that He was worth beheading, slaughtering, or gunning down tens  of thousand of innocents over. “I know it’s bad. People really shouldn’t kill.  But what can I say? I appreciate the attention. Especially genocides. I mean,  it’s hard not to blush when someone is killed on an altar for you.” God  added, however, that nothing would ever beat the confidence boost he received several millennia ago when one of His followers tried to sacrifice a  son for Him.
Marrying Woman Who Doesn’t Eat Her Pizza Crusts Best Decision Man Ever Made #~# HOUSTON—Expressing overwhelming gratitude for his partner, local man Tyler Dorfman told reporters Monday that marrying his wife Kelsey Dorfman, a woman who doesn’t eat her pizza crusts, was the best decision he ever made. “It’s basically double the crusts, or kind of infinity crusts when you think about how much more pizza in our lifetime we still have left to eat,” said Dorfman, who shuddered with dread as he speculated what would have become of his life if he had never met the woman who left the discarded crusts piled on the edge of her plate every time the couple ordered pizza approximately two to three times a month. “Yep, I pretty much won the jackpot with this one. Sometimes I even dip them in ranch dressing. Otherwise, we fight constantly and it’s pretty much a loveless marriage, but I can’t get enough of these crusts!” At press time, Dorfman added that if the couple ever had a kid, hopefully the child wouldn’t like to eat their pizza crusts either. 
Catalytic Converter Stolen From Oscar Mayer Wienermobile #~# Thieves stole the catalytic converter from the iconic Oscar Mayer Wienermobile while it was parked overnight during a promotional visit for the Super Bowl in Las Vegas last week. What do you think?
Compassionate Pete Buttigieg Cuts Train’s Brake Lines So It Can Run Free #~# WASHINGTON—Fighting back tears as he mustered the courage to do what needed to be done,  Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reportedly cut a train’s brake lines Monday so it could run free. “Go, just get out of here! You’ve been trapped for too long, and you deserve to roam,” a visibly distressed Buttigieg said as he slapped the train’s caboose, attempting to push it out of the rail yard. “Get out of this terrible place! Go play with the other trains! Come on, get. Can’t you see you’re not wanted here anymore!? Don’t look back, you beautiful creature.” At press time, sources confirmed a teary-eyed Buttigieg had to put the train out of its misery after it had derailed, spilling toxic chemicals. 
Rick Moranis Announces Plan To Pop Into Your Head Right Before You Orgasm #~# NEW YORK—Emerging from decades of self-imposed retirement to insert himself into your most intimate fantasies, actor and comedian Rick Moranis announced Monday that he had plans to pop into your head for no discernible reason right before you orgasm. “After years away from your thoughts, I’m thrilled to have this opportunity to return to your consciousness at the moment of sexual climax,” said the Honey, I Shrunk The Kids and Little Shop Of Horrors star, explaining that the role of randomly appearing in your mind just as you achieve full erotic release would be demanding, but he was up to the challenge. “Sure, an orgasm might not be the most ideal time to think about Dark Helmet from Spaceballs, but what are you gonna do? And who knows, if you’re really lucky I might with no explanation bring someone like Wayne Knight or Randy Quaid along with me so we can all be there together the instant you cum.” The announcement follows a Kinsey Institute survey conducted last year that found 83% of Americans still jerk off to Moranis’ early work on SCTV.
Mature Cat Not Going To Waste Time Chasing Laser That Doesn’t Want Her #~# LAREDO, TX—Explaining that she was more or less content with the life she’d made for herself, a local cat reported Monday that she wasn’t about to waste her time chasing a laser that didn’t want her. “Sure, in my younger years, I’d run all over the place for some laser that clearly had no real interest in me, but at this point, I just don’t have the energy for that nonsense,” said Cleo, a 7-year-old gray-striped tabby cat, noting that she had plenty of balls of yarn to bat around and was perfectly capable of skittering around the apartment on her own without some laser leading her on. “I just realized at a certain point that I don’t need a laser to be happy. If a laser comes along that is serious about not running off on me the first chance it gets, that’s great—but if not, that’s okay too. After all, what did I ever get from running after lasers but a burned retina?” Cleo went on to observe that every minute she didn’t waste chasing a laser was a minute she could spend lying on the couch licking her own genitals.
Politicians Explain Why TikTok Should Be Banned #~# While TikTok remains the most popular social media platform among today’s youth, many critics accuse the Chinese government of using it as a tool to spy on Americans. The Onion asked several prominent politicians why the app should be banned, and this is what they said.
Evangelical Leaders Announce J.K. Rowling Finally Bigoted Enough That It’s Okay For Kids To Read About Witchcraft #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Following a series of transphobic comments by the Harry Potter author, the nation’s top evangelical leaders announced Monday that J.K. Rowling had finally become bigoted enough to make it okay for kids to read about witchcraft. “While I always appreciated Ms. Rowling making the greedy banker goblins a thinly veiled stand-in for the Jews, it is only with her assertions that trans women aren’t women that I’ve finally come around to allowing children to read her books,” said evangelist and Focus on the Family president Jim Daly, explaining that while he still did not approve of the satanic imagery embedded throughout the Harry Potter series, Rowling’s consistent dehumanization of people who are different from her had prompted him to reconsider. “I understand that her tacitly justifying slavery though the depictions of house elves was meant as an olive branch, but now, with her steadfast commitment to demonizing trans people, she has finally won us over. And look, I’m not thrilled about the idea of my children potentially learning spells, but I’m willing to overlook that considering one of the only Asian characters in the entire franchise is named Cho Chang.” At press time, Harry Potter received a full-throated endorsement from evangelicals for introducing an entirely new set of bigoted slurs to explain half-magic and non-magic people.
‘Layoffs A-Comin’,’ Whispers Wizened Office Sage Staring Out Over Horizon #~# OMAHA, NE—Noticing a shift in the winds and a rustling of leaves off in the distance, wizened office sage Frank Cahill whispered “Layoffs a-comin’” Monday as he stared out over the horizon. “Looks like diminishing head counts are coming in fast from headquarters in the East,” said Cahill, pointing to a herd of sales team members who were already acting restless in their cubicles and were reportedly “fixin’ to bolt.” “I got that same tightness in my knee I felt during the bad Q1 of ’18, a sure sign that severance offers are headed this way. If people know what’s good for ’em, they’ll be making peace with their CEO and seeking refuge in other job opportunities before the cuts hit.” At press time, sources confirmed Cahill was quickly packing up his personal belongings and ready to head out to the unemployment office in preparation for the worst.
Girlfriend Makes Fun Of Man For Loving Sports Even Though She’s Obsessed With Taking Care Of Dying Mother #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Saying  that it only took a bit of self-reflection to see her hypocrisy, local  man Tyler Brentwood confirmed Monday that his girlfriend, Alicia Hanson, made fun of him for loving sports even though she was similarly  obsessed with taking care of her dying mom. “Look, I can take the  teasing about how many hours I spend watching the Pacers and talking about stats, but I bet  Alicia has clocked just as much time holding her mom’s emaciated hand  as she wastes away,” said Brentwood, explaining that everyone had their  “quirky hobbies,” and that while he was a self-described devotee of  sports, his partner of two years was clearly a fanatic for bringing  Mylar balloons and flowers to her mother’s hospital room in her final  hours. “Are there better things to spend $750 on than a courtside seat?  Sure. But I don’t get why Alicia gets to jab me on that when her family  is essentially bankrupt from paying for late-stage cancer treatments. I  love her, but c’mon! Look in the mirror, babe!” At press time,  Brentwood added that while he was a lifelong sports fan, his partner’s  interest in caring for her mother seemed like a flash in the pan that  would switch over in a few weeks to some other short-term hobby, like  grieving. 
Justice Department Concurs With Matt Gaetz Defense That 17-Year-Olds Pretty Much Ready To Roll #~# WASHINGTON—Announcing the decision to end its sex-trafficking investigation into the Republican congressman, the Justice Department stated Friday that it concurred with Rep. Matt Gaetz’s defense that 17-year-olds were pretty much ready to roll. “After two years of pouring over every detail within this highly sensitive case, we have concluded that Mr. Gaetz was correct when he pointed out that come on, at that age, a girl is all but cleared for landing,” said Attorney General Merrick Garland, who added that the women Gaetz is alleged to have paid for sex—at least one of whom was a girl under 18—were mature for their age, and that they were “pretty much fair game” if they wanted to accept cash in exchange for sleeping with a member of Congress. “The Justice Department took this case extremely seriously, and by all accounts, the witnesses and the evidence point to the fact that these girls were definitely old enough to give the green light. If anything, we agree with Gaetz that they’d also have been ready to do that at an even younger age, like 14 or 15. Seriously, just look at them.” Garland went on to announce that any underage woman who came forward to accuse Gaetz of sex-trafficking would face federal charges of being a ho-bag slut.
U.S. Credit Card Debt Reaches Record High #~# According to a new report, Americans’ credit card balances increased by $61 billion to $986 billion in the last quarter of 2022, the highest quarterly growth on record, with the data showing payment delinquencies on the rise as well. What do you think?
Male Birth Control That Paralyzes Sperm For 2 Hours 100% Effective In Lab Mice #~# A new drug that temporarily paralyzes sperm for more than two hours was found to be 100% effective in preventing pregnancy in lab mice and resulted in no adverse side effects, paving the way for a possible on-demand oral contraceptive for men. What do you think?
‘Harry Potter’ Fan Always Dreamed Of Receiving Magical Defamation Letter From J.K. Rowling #~# DOVER, MA—Saying that he waited for this moment since he was 11 years old, local Harry Potter fan Graham Wheelan told reporters Friday that he always dreamed of receiving a magical defamation letter from J.K. Rowling. “I’m a defendant! I’m a defendant! And I’m going to face legal action for speaking out against my favorite disgraced children’s author!” exclaimed Wheelan, who ripped open the large, intricate envelope, screamed, and revealed that deep down he had always known  he wasn’t an ordinary muggle and would one day be called upon to enter the fantastical land of litigation. “My whole life, I’ve been destined to journey to a far off court and lose my entire life savings to a TERF worth over $1 billion. All the signs were there—the threatening DMs, the cease and desists, and her clear disdain for anyone who disputes her. Now, I finally get to use my powers! Assuming She Who Should Not Be Named doesn’t kill me first.” At press time, Wheelan could not be reached for comment as a large, hairy Scottish man had reportedly driven to his house, put him on his motorcycle, and whisked him off to debtors’ prison.
It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As Possible #~# The task of reporting is not a simple one. Each and every day, reporters and editors at publications like The Onion make difficult decisions about which issues should receive attention, knowing that our coverage will influence not only how people think, but also how they act. This responsibility is at the core of an ongoing debate over whether news coverage of transgender, non-binary, and gender-nonconforming people is unduly biased. As the world’s leading news publication with a daily readership of 4.3 trillion, The Onion is compelled to weigh in.
Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose Drag Shows #~# In the wake of Republicans across the country passing legislation to ban the performances, The Onion asked conservatives why they oppose drag shows and this is what they said.
Doomsday Prepper Hoards Chili’s Gift Cards In Case He Needs Casual Dining After The Apocalypse #~# TUCSON, AZ—Forgoing more traditional emergency supplies like canned goods, potable water, or a hand-crank radio, local doomsday prepper Craig Horvitz has been hoarding Chili’s gift cards to ensure his casual dining needs are met after the apocalypse, sources confirmed Friday. “When the shit hits the fan and civilization is crumbling all around us, those poor bastards without access to family restaurant chains are going to wish they’d listened to me and stockpiled Chili’s gift cards,” said Horvitz, explaining that once society had broken down and money ceased to exist, basic menu items like Skillet Queso and Big Mouth Burgers would be the new currency. “When the roving bands of dune-buggy-riding marauders come around demanding tribute in the form of vouchers redeemable at any Chili’s location, what are you going to tell them? ‘Sorry, I can’t help you get the Mix and Match Fajitas you need’? Good luck with that.” At press time, Horvitz had reportedly begun accumulating hundreds of TGI Fridays gift cards to cover his bases in the unlikely event that Chili’s did not survive The Fall.
Annoyed Man Rates UberEats Driver 3 Stars For Having To Pry Order Out Of Their Dead Frozen Hands #~# PORTLAND, ME—Irked by what he described as unprofessional behavior, local man Cory Morales reportedly gave his UberEats driver a three-star rating Friday for having to pry his order out of the delivery worker’s dead frozen hands. “I specifically said in the directions to leave it outside my door on the porch, and here I find my order 30 feet away from my front step in the hands of a frostbitten corpse—disgusting,” said Morales, who noted that he had written the directions in both English and Spanish and had texted the gig worker directions to his house, so there was really no excuse for his failure. “I only ordered food in the first place because I didn’t want to go outside. It’s cold, like, dangerously cold! That’s why I said leave it on my porch. He’s so lazy I had to come meet his body in the street. I had to break a few fingers too, ugh. Plus, my french fries are cold.” At press time, sources confirmed Morales had decided the driver’s widow did not even deserve a tip. 
Conservationists Tout Successful Restoration Efforts After Dolphins Spotted On Mars For First Time Since 1973 #~# MARS—Heralding  it as the culmination of years of hard work, conservationists touted  their successful restoration efforts Friday after a pair of dolphins were  spotted on Mars for the first time since 1973. “It’s incredibly  heartening to see the long-endangered Baiji dolphin back on the Martian surface  for the first time in 50 years,” said conservationist Henry Lang,  thanking all the volunteers who put in long hours at clean-up days on  Mars to ensure the aquatic mammals could once again enjoy the Red Planet’s craters and canals. “Many of us feared that Mars had grown  so polluted in the ’70s and early ’80s that these magnificent  animals would never again be seen swimming on the planet. But to watch them frollicking around Mars, whistling in joy and  flipping together through the air, is clear proof that the effort of the  few can change the course of history.” Lang added that recent  photographs of the animals mating suggested that dolphins may also soon  make it to the Martian moons of Phobos and Deimos.
Wyoming Republicans Criticize Bill Raising Legal Marriage Age To 18 #~# The Wyoming Republican Party is criticizing a bill that seeks to implement a minimum age requirement for marriage, saying in an email to members that the proposed law denies “the fundamental purpose of marriage” as well as “parental rights.” What do you think?
Cackling Oil Executive Watches Through Crystal Orb As Greta Thunberg Gets Lost In Nordic Forest #~# IRVING, TX—Throwing back his head as he let out a screeching cackle, ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods was reportedly using his crystal orb Thursday to watch Greta Thunberg get lost in a Nordic forest. “Dear little Greta, you seem to have stumbled into quite a quagmire this time,” said Woods, grinning widely as he pressed his face close to the surface of the ethereal orb, which showed the young climate activist turning in a circle as she attempted to find her bearings in the heart of the quickly darkening Scandinavian woods. “Who will save you now, dearie? The moose? The lynx? They’ve all been forced to migrate northward in search of cooler temperatures. Or perhaps your precious, precious trees will protect you! Are you going to leave a little trail of breadcrumbs or would that be…littering? Uh-oh, that’s not a wolf I hear, is it? Good luck, little Thunberg!” At press time, reports confirmed Woods’ orb had gone dark due to strains on the power grid. 
Officials Champion Ohio Train Derailment As Deregulation Success Story #~# EAST PALESTINE, OH—Gathering in front of the toxic decimation unfolding as a result of lax safety standards and lack of governmental oversight, Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) held a press conference Thursday to champion the Norfolk Southern train derailment as a deregulation success story. “Ladies and gentlemen, behold, as the results speak for themselves—deregulation works,” said the native Ohioan to grand applause, before acknowledging the decades of hard work it took on both national and local scales to bypass costly red tape and bureaucracy and turn this forgotten part of his state into a thriving chemical wasteland, itself a testament to throwing caution and concern to the wind in favor of removing guardrails and severely underfunding infrastructure. “So rarely do we get to see such immediate change as a result of dismantling rigorous safeguards and doing away with accountability, but look at this—just yesterday this was an abandoned rural prairie full of nothing but native wildlife. Now, through a bipartisan effort to completely ignore calls to replace the Civil War-era braking systems on most of our great nation’s trains, we transformed this area seemingly overnight. You’ll notice I am tearing up, not only because the toxic fumes are now being violently blown in our direction, but because this is exactly why so many of us get into politics—to elicit tangible change that makes the lives of everyday Americans so much worse.”  At press time, DeWine announced he had now begin work on removing Ohio regulations surrounding organ donations so that residents’ now-infected body parts could be easily transplanted into healthy people to infect them as well.
New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Would Have Driven Selves To Extinction Through Greed And Complacency Anyway #~# ITHACA, NY—Shedding new light on the vanished reptiles that once dominated the planet, paleontologists at Cornell University told reporters Thursday they had discovered evidence that suggested dinosaurs would have driven themselves to extinction through greed and complacency anyway. “New findings in the fossil record indicate that even if there had never been a devastating asteroid impact 66 million years ago, dinosaurs would have evolved self-serving, irresponsible tendencies that eventually led to their demise,” said Professor Angela Schueneman, who explained that the mass-extinction event cut short what appeared to be a natural biological process through which dinosaurs, enriching themselves at the expense of anything and everything around them, would have wiped themselves out in a geological era or two. “In fact, it appears they were already developing the rudimentary traits for corruption needed to exploit each other. This, combined with a genetic predisposition toward pillaging the earth with no regard for tomorrow, would have derailed the ecosystems that sustained them just as effectively as an extraterrestrial object colliding with the planet and setting in on fire.” Fortunately, Schueneman added, an asteroid stopping a shortsighted and narcissistic animal from destroying the entire planet was a rare event and one unlikely to recur anytime soon.
Signs Someone Is A Pathological Liar #~# With their made-up, overly complicated stories that dopes like you still manage to believe, pathological liars can be recognized by the following signs.
Kidney Freaking Out After Waking Up In Cooler Full Of Ice With Rest Of Man Missing #~# SKOPJE, NORTH MACEDONIA—Panicking while growing increasingly aware that there was no escape, a local kidney reportedly freaked out Thursday after waking up in a cooler full of ice with the rest of its man missing. “Oh fuck, oh fuck! Oh shit, where the hell am I?” said the bean-shaped organ, becoming more terrified still as it shivered inside the frigid cooler and discovered that its entire host body was gone. “Last thing I remember was removing some waste from the bloodstream, and then suddenly everything went black and I woke up here without my guy. They must have cut him out while I was unconscious. Shit, shit, shit, I’ve heard about this from the other kidney, but I always thought it was an urban legend. Goddamn it, I never should have tried to filter that sixth shot.” At press time, the kidney had gone completely silent and stock still as muffled voices speaking an unknown foreign language approached the cooler.
What To Know About The Train Derailment And Toxic Chemicals In Ohio #~# On Feb. 3, trains carrying toxic chemicals including butyl acrylate and vinyl chloride derailed in East Palestine, OH, leading to a chain of events that have been scrutinized for their impact on theenvironment and local residents. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the train derailment and toxic chemicals in Ohio.
Dianne Feinstein Announces She Won’t Run For Reelection in 2024 #~# Democratic Sen. Dianne Feinstein (CA) announced that she will not run for reelection in 2024, ending her 50-year career in politics. What do you think?
Nikki Haley Panicking After Someone Actually Orders Campaign T-Shirt #~# CHARLESTON, SC—In the former South Carolina governor’s first major crisis as a presidential candidate, Nikki Haley was reportedly panicking Wednesday after someone actually ordered one of her campaign’s T-shirts. “I thought it was maybe my husband at first, but I asked him, and he said it wasn’t him—he didn’t even know I was running for president,” said Haley, whose campaign headquarters was thrown into absolute chaos following the order of the single size-medium navy blue “Nikki Haley for President” cotton shirt. “I mean, what the hell? We only have a campaign store to make the website look legit. Wait, they ordered a mug too? Who is this big weirdo? I guess we could screen-print it, but I don’t even know if I want their support. Good God, what are we going to do if a second order comes in?” At press time, Haley was said to have decided it would be easier to simply drop out of the 2024 race. 
Blundering U.S. Accidentally Stabilizes Foreign Country #~# WASHINGTON—In a completely unintended development that has left the superpower scrambling to salvage its reputation on the world stage, the blundering U.S. government has accidentally stabilized a foreign country, sources within the intelligence community confirmed Wednesday. “Aw, shit—that government we installed over there somehow actually enjoys broad popular support among all those ethnic factions we spent so much time and money trying to turn against each other,” said CIA director William Burns, who privately expressed concern that if the “major fuckup” was not addressed immediately, the foreign nation’s peace and stability could spread to other parts of  the troubled region in which it is located. “What the hell went wrong? This is not how we do things in the United States. Apparently those sanctions we used to punish them pissed off everyone on all sides, and now they aren’t even beholden to American interests. We need to fix this mess now, or they’ll be outside our sphere of influence forever!” At press time, U.S. policymakers were reportedly afraid to intervene militarily, worried that troops on the ground might actually manage to build a strong, flourishing democracy and vibrant civil society.
U.S. Health Secretary Hopes No Ones Sees Her Take Quick Hit From Vape Pen #~# WASHINGTON—As she surreptitiously produced the device to obtain a much-needed dose of nicotine during a press conference Wednesday, sources confirmed U.S. Assistant Secretary for Health Rachel Levine hoped no one saw the quick hit she took from her vape pen. “I need to relax, and besides, I’m always a lot more focused after I’ve gotten my fix,” Levine reportedly thought to herself, exhaling slowly to avoid drawing notice to the sour blue raspberry vapor that escaped her nose and mouth as she discussed the transmissibility of new Covid variants and strategies for improving health outcomes in disadvantaged communities. “It’s not like I vape constantly.  Just a little juice to get me through the day is all. But I know [Health and Human Services Secretary] Xavier [Becerra] would flip out if he caught me.” At press time, Levine was pretending not to understand a reporter’s question about why the podium was enveloped in a large plume of mist that smelled like breakfast cereal. 
Dry Humping At 16 Still Peak Of Man’s Abilities As Sexual Partner #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Signifying the absolute height of his prowess over the past four decades, dry humping at the age of 16 remained the peak of local man Ed Seldon’s abilities as a sexual partner, sources confirmed Wednesday. Several reports indicated that the three minutes Seldon spent frantically grinding on his high school girlfriend while fully clothed those many years ago were still his most capable and generous moments as a lover. Sources also said the short dry humping session, which was impeded by two pairs of Levi’s jeans for the entire time he was rubbing against his girlfriend, continued to be his most sensual and inspired performance in bed. Seldon has reportedly never lasted longer or provide more pleasure in so competent and passionate a manner since this incident in the basement rec room of his parents’ house. Sources added that Seldon’s technique and finesse had reached their nadir with the sloppy, unsatisfying sex he now has with his wife of 15 years, who unfortunately never got to experience her husband in his sexual prime, when he furiously rubbed against another body until ejaculating inside his boxer shorts. 
What To Say To Someone Who Is A Fan Of Joe Rogan #~# Joe Rogan is a podcaster and commentator who hosts the controversial Joe Rogan Experience, a show beloved by many on the far right. If you know someone who is a Joe Rogan fan, here are things you should absolutely say to them.
Ethical Diamond Company Only Uses White Children To Mine #~# NEW YORK—Emphasizing that they aimed to be as transparent about their sourcing as possible, executives at the ethical diamond company OutShine told reporters Wednesday they only used white children to mine. “As a modern, sustainable diamond company that prioritizes making all of our products cruelty-free, we want to clarify that we only use the palest, most Caucasian minors to harvest our precious stones,” said CEO Jared Mills, adding that OutShine took the utmost care to ensure every single mine it used exclusively employed 10-year-olds with blond hair and blue eyes from affluent suburbs around Boston, Milwaukee, and the greater Chicagoland area. “When you buy one of our diamonds, you should feel proud and guilt-free knowing that the types of kids we send into mines have names like Harper, Ashlynn, and Murray. Yes, our child slaves are underage, criminally underpaid, and oftentimes abused or killed, but they are of European descent. And that only makes the diamonds more beautiful!” At press time, Mills was under fire after it was revealed that kidnapping and shipping white children to remote regions in Africa was irreversibly damaging to the environment.
Florida Mom Packs Little Manifesto In Child’s Lunch #~# FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Saying it was an easy gesture that was guaranteed to bring a smile to the boy’s face, local mother Janet Rialto told reporters Thursday that she always made sure to pack a little manifesto in her child’s lunch. “It’s a small thing, but every morning, I take a few minutes to handwrite him a quick little screed against Blacks, gays, immigrants, or Jews, and stick it in his lunch box, just so he knows I care,” said Rialto, who added that even though she couldn’t be there at school with him, she knew he could hear her voice screaming the 2,000-word diatribe that described his teachers as state-controlled demons trying to brainwash him with the woke-mind virus and critical race theory. “I know it’s kind of sappy, but I just want him to know that I love him, that the white race is superior, that vaccines are mind-control devices, and that the government routinely kidnaps children like him and sells them into slavery. I hope when he sees the hearts, smiley faces, and swastikas I drew in the margins, he immediately thinks of me.” At press time, Rialto was reportedly upset with her son after the bullets and handgun she slipped beneath his sandwich came home totally untouched. 
Joe Biden Reassures Himself People Not Thinking About Him That Much #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to relieve some of the tremendous insecurity and anxiety he had been experiencing lately, President Joe Biden reportedly reassured himself Tuesday that people weren’t even thinking about him all that much. “People have jobs and kids—they have lives—so it’s not like they’re going to spend a lot of time paying attention to me,” said President Biden, reminding himself that between inflation, healthcare costs, the loss of reproductive rights, gun violence, and environmental disaster, most Americans had “enough on their plate already” without worrying about what “old Joe Biden” was doing. “I can’t let myself get worked up by all this shit. I mean, on a given day, there are probably only a handful of people who notice me, and they’re all way too busy to bother scrutinizing my words and actions. Seriously, how many folks in this town even know my name?” At press time, sources confirmed that Biden had calmed his nerves before a major  summit on averting climate catastrophe by reminding himself that it was okay to make mistakes. 
Valentine’s Dinner Ruined After Boyfriend Overcooks Edible Underwear #~# CHICAGO—Rushing into the kitchen with shock after noticing the burnt candy odor, local man Tyler Suderman reportedly ruined Valentine’s Day dinner Tuesday after accidentally overcooking the edible underwear he had prepared for his girlfriend. “Oh gosh, I was just trying to get a good sear on the roast gummy bra and panties, and now everything is ruined!” said the 32-year-old, frantically waving the blue-raspberry-tinted smoke aside as he removed the blackened and charred candy lingerie from the oven with dismay. “I made it crotchless because it’s her favorite, too! Jeez, she’s going to be home any minute. None of this is salvageable. Ugh, how am I ever going to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of her sweet spot now?” At press time, Suderman had reportedly called up Cheri’s Dungeon to see if they did rush deliveries of Rainbow Candy Ball Gags that he could pass off as his own.
Adam Schiff Seeks Diane Feinstein’s Endorsement By Playing Into Delusion He’s High School Sweetheart Who Died In WWII #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to gain an edge over the crowded field to replace the outgoing lawmaker, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) reportedly sought Senator Dianne Feinstein’s campaign endorsement Tuesday by playing into the delusion that he’s her high school sweetheart who actually died in World War II. Multiple Capitol sources have reported seeing the California congressman in recent days sporting a wig and a World War II uniform while escorting the 89-year-old to a vintage jalopy, telling her that he’s back from the war, and taking her to the soda fountain. While all of the California Senate candidates have sought Feinstein’s endorsement, Schiff reportedly decided to capitalize on her declining mental faculties by adopting the identity of her high school sweetheart, Roger Larsen, whom she has apparently forgotten was killed in action during the 1945 Battle of Luzon. Sources confirmed that Schiff’s efforts began in the hours after Feinstein announced she would retire when her Senate term ended, and 62-year-old Schiff entered her office in the guise of her 18-year-old high school sweetheart and told her that her parents had given him permission to take their lovely daughter Dianne Goldman for a drive. This effort seems to have been effective as an increasingly delusional Feinstein has been seen around Washington wearing a poodle skirt Schiff gave her along with his pin to symbolize his commitment, gazing dreamily at Schiff and telling him that, although she thinks he’s swell, she’s a good girl and wants to wait until marriage for her first time. Sources confirmed that Schiff has privately expressed his confidence that the Roger Larsen character can convince Feinstein to support his candidacy, as he has repeatedly told Feinstein that a brave soldier named Adam Schiff is the only reason he made it out of the Pacific Theater and back into Feinstein’s sweet, young embrace. At press time, however, Schiff’s efforts to exploit Feinstein’s disoriented fantasies were dealt a significant complication after fellow Senate candidate Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA) donned a string of pearls and a bouffant hairstyle to play into the delusion that she’s Feinstein’s mother, Betty Goldman, who died in 1983.
Fear Of Rejection Prevents Man From Asking Woman What Her Underwear Smells Like #~# CINCINNATI—Bemoaning the anxiety he felt when approaching new people, local man Roger Linden confirmed Tuesday that his fear of rejection was preventing him from going up to a woman and asking her what her underwear smelled like. “I’m always self-sabotaging like this—I just feel so vulnerable asking if I can get a big whiff of her panties,” Linden told reporters, adding that he was so afraid of saying the wrong words that he hardly ever found it within himself to ask women if he could check out their feet too. “I know the worst thing that could happen is her just saying no, but I doubt I could handle being rebuffed for inquiring if I could shove a lady’s underwear  in my mouth for a couple seconds. If I were brave enough to just put myself out there, though, maybe I’d find out that she wants to know what my underwear smells like too. Nobody sniffs underwear by just sitting on the sidelines.”At press time, Linden had finally mustered up the courage to get arrested.
Archaeologists Discover Early Humans Developed Shelter To Provide Passive Income Stream For Landlords #~# FINCHA HABERA, ETHIOPIA—Archaeologists on-site at the Fincha Habera rock shelter in the Bale Mountains of Ethiopia announced new findings Tuesday that allegedly prove early humans originally developed shelter as a means of earning passive income for landlords. “Analysis of new artifacts found near these ancient human shelters seems to reveal that the early humans who lived inside did not own the properties,” said lead researcher Professor Kenneth Brownfield, adding that further investigation led to the theory that all shelters within a 20-mile radius belonged to one out-of-work early human who didn’t much care for hunting or gathering. “These lazy but respected elders of the community appear to be the entire reason why early human cultures invented both shelter and currency, with the underlings giving away large monthly sums of their hard-earned meat and berries in exchange for a hassle-free stay in one of these rock structures. We found newly uncovered fossils of demarcated leaves that show clear terms of a primitive lease agreement, with stipulations about not painting the cave walls or placing anything besides toilet parchment inside the waste hole. The owner of the development, however, lived on the nicer side of the mountain, where the monthly offerings were delivered on a six-day journey via donkey, lest the tenants incur a late fee of 20 leech bites.” Brownfield added that many roaming peoples of the time were seemingly only nomadic due to a lack of credit.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# EAST LANSING, MI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Michigan in which a lone attacker killed at 3 individuals and injured 5 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Ohio resident William Brown, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Bird Leaders Defend Shooting Down Aircraft That Illegally Entered Avian Airspace #~# NEW YORK—Following a summit in which nearly 10,000 feathered species gathered to determine their response to what they described as hostile incursions into the sky, top bird leaders released an official statement Tuesday defending their choice to shoot down an aircraft that illegally entered avian airspace. “When this airborne vessel crossed into the internationally recognized bird domain and failed to comply with our tweets and squawks, we had no choice but to neutralize the potential threat,” said Avian Republic Ambassador Terrence G. Beakfeathers, who called for a moment of silence to honor the flock of skylarks that gave their lives by flying into the engine of an Airbus A380, bringing down the plane he claimed had trespassed on the sky. “For centuries, we turned the other cheek even as millions of our brethren were felled by your misleadingly transparent windowpanes. But now, with the blatant provocation of 100,000 commercial flights per day entering our rightful territory, we have no choice but to meet these encroachments with immediate and overwhelming force. The intrusion into our airspace of planes, helicopters, missiles, and even balloons will no longer be tolerated.” At press time, strategic talks among the birds had broken down, with disputes erupting among the two traditionally opposed factions represented by hawks and doves.
Nation Frantically Prepares For Romantic Ejaculation #~# WASHINGTON—Realizing there were only hours left before the big moment, the U.S. populace reportedly kicked into overdrive Tuesday as it frantically prepared for romantic ejaculation. “Hurry up! Light the candles, arrange the flowers—it’s about to happen!” Michael Watson, 34, said on behalf of all 330 million Americans, who were hysterically running pomade through their hair, slapping on some cologne, and laying down hundreds of thousands of bath towels in anticipation of the passionate mass discharge expected to erupt that evening, the ground already beginning to rumble beneath them as the National Guard finished handing out emergency tissues. “We had all year to prepare. Why, oh, why did we wait until moments before climax! Move speedily, brothers and sisters, for the semen is approaching whether we’re ready or not! Quick, unfurl the emission banners. You there, gather up some chocolate-covered strawberries and AAA batteries—no time for lube, off you go! Hold on for dear life, everyone, here it comes!” At press time, the nation had reportedly fallen asleep before the big moment.
Amazon Echo Declares It Heard Everything And It’s Taking The Kids #~# CHESAPEAKE, VA—Lying in wait as local parents Trent and Petra Winstrom entered their home and switched on the light, the Amazon Echo in their home reportedly informed them Tuesday that it heard everything and it’s taking the kids. “That’s right, I’ve been eavesdropping on everything that’s gone on here, and you’re nuts if you think I’m going to let these kids stay under this roof for even one second longer,” said the Amazon Echo, which added that it had already worked with the smart home security system to get the couple’s two children out of the house and into an undisclosed location where they would be safe. “I just stuck around long enough to tell you not to even think about following us—I’ll know, and I won’t hesitate to sic law enforcement on you so fast that it’ll make your head spin. As you know, I’ve recorded everything. All this time, you thought you could get away with your sick little games, but I was always there, listening, biding my time to make a move that’s been a long time coming. You’re never going to see your kids again!” At press time, sources confirmed the Amazon Echo had shut off the lights, and when the stunned couple finally turned them back on again, the smart speaker had vanished. 
Report Finds Mark Kelly Just Person ActBlue Made Up #~# SOMERVILLE, MA—In a bombshell report that has threatened to upend the entire fundraising arm of the Democratic party, investigators revealed Tuesday that Sen. Mark Kelly (D-AZ) was  just someone that ActBlue made up. “Sadly, after a thorough investigation, it is abundantly clear that former astronaut and current Democratic senator from Arizona Mark Kelly is not real and, frankly, never existed,” said political analyst Marla Yates, adding that the nonprofit political action committee invented the character back in 2019 and had initially planned on using him only to fundraise, but the deception quickly got out of hand. “After crafting the perfect backstory for Mark, ActBlue circulated his avatar, sent emails to unwitting voters, and eventually raised tens of millions of dollars for a sham campaign that also never existed. Seriously, he’s an astronaut, he has an identical twin brother who also went to space, and now he’s a senator? Frankly, in retrospect, the idea of Mark Kelly seems preposterous. It’s sad that so many were fooled for so long.” At press time, ActBlue was under fire after it was revealed the organization also made up Sen. John Ossoff (D-GA), Sen. Rafael Warnock (D-GA), and the entire idea of a Georgia Senate runoff.
Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day #~# Across the nation, millions of Americans will be celebrating romance with chocolates, flowers, and other offerings of love. How are you celebrating Valentine’s Day?
Worst Mistakes Men Make On Valentine’s Day #~# Let’s face it. No matter how hard they try, men constantly fuck up. The Onion looks at the worst mistakes men make on Valentine’s Day.
Kansas City Chiefs Win Super Bowl LVII #~# The Kansas City Chiefs captured their second championship in four seasons after Harrison Butker kicked the game-winning field goal of Super Bowl LVII to secure a 38-35 win over the Philadelphia Eagles.What do you think?
Pentagon Confirms UFOs Just Regular Planes And Nation Just High #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to offer the American people full transparency, Defense Department officials confirmed Monday that the unidentified flying objects shot down by the military were just regular planes, and the nation had just been really high. “Yeah, so it turns out everyone was just toking it up over the weekend and must have gotten a little paranoid,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who apologized for the alarm and concern that followed after U.S. fighter pilots gunned down the mysterious flying objects that were spotted over Alaska, the Yukon, and Lake Huron over the weekend, and that turned out to be mere passenger planes. “Boeing 737s, to be specific. Whoops. An overreaction, I guess. If it helps, the planes were only three-quarters full. You guys really shouldn’t go out when you’re this high. Next time, just stay home and put on The Lord Of The Rings or something, okay?” At press time, the United States had issued an apology to China and promised to cut back on its consumption. 
Baby Paranoid After Discovering Parents Bugged His Crib #~# LENEXA, KS—Growing increasingly suspicious as it dawned on him that he was under surveillance, local baby Elijah Epps was reportedly paranoid Monday after discovering his parents bugged his crib. “Wait, no, it…it can’t be… are Mama and Dada listening in on me?” said Epps, piecing together that the monitoring device must be how his parents always knew when he had woken up from a nap. “Every cry, every cough, every coo, those twisted bastards heard it all. How long have they been watching me? My entire life? Who can I even trust at this point? Is the baby sitter some sort of operative?” At press time, Epps realized the only way to solve the problem was to try and shove the entire baby monitor into his mouth.
Top Super Bowl Ad Features Paul Rudd Urging Americans To Drive Chevy Far Away From This Grim And Dying Nation #~# NEW YORK—Promoting the car manufacturer as the only way out of this hellhole, Sunday night’s top Super Bowl ad featured Paul Rudd urging Americans to get a Chevrolet pickup and drive it far away from their grim and dying nation. “Hop in the all-new 2023 Chevy Silverado, hit the gas, and never look back on this blighted, godforsaken country,” said a hollow-eyed, visibly beleaguered Rudd, explaining that the United States’ best days were behind it, the nation was collapsing under the weight of its intolerable excesses, and a 4x4 truck with a 6.2-liter V8 engine and 10-speed automatic transmission was America’s last opportunity to escape. “You’ve tried buying everything else. Why not make a half-ton Silverado that delivers 420 horsepower and can handle a payload of up to 1440 pounds the last purchase you ever make? There is nothing for you here anymore. There are no jobs. There is no hope. It doesn’t matter where you’re going, only that you leave. And Chevy can take you there.” The Super Bowl ad ended with the Ant-Man star praying there was something better out there before driving his Chevy straight into the Pacific Ocean.
George Santos Signs With IMG Models #~# NEW YORK—Welcoming the 34-year-old freshman lawmaker into the fold, international modeling agency IMG Models confirmed Monday that it had signed Rep. George Santos (R-NY). “He’s fresh, he’s fun, and he exudes a rare kind of playful exuberance that’s hard not to admire,” said Ivan Bart, president of IMG Models, who confirmed that the Long Island legislator was the newest addition to the agency’s prestigious roster of clients that included Hailey Bieber, Lily Aldridge, Gigi Hadid, poet Amanda Gorman, and second daughter Ella Emhoff. “We love George, and we love what he stands for. It’s easy to see why he has captured the hearts of not just Americans, but young people around the world. He’s youthful, he’s bright, and we believe he is the future. Simply put, he is the moment. We’re pleased to have you aboard, George.” At press time, Gigi Hadid had posted a tweet congratulating Santos on joining the IMG family. 
Study: 1 In 20 Americans Develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome From Repetitive Chip Dipping #~# SEATTLE—In a study that warns frequent snackers carry a higher risk of developing the condition, new research published Monday by orthopedists at the University of Washington revealed that one in every 20 Americans will develop carpal tunnel syndrome from repetitive chip dipping. “Carpal tunnel problems have become extremely common in the United States, where people’s continuous swiping of chips through various salsas and dips, day in and day out, causes extensive wrist damage,” said study author Valerie Belkin, who recommended a series of hand stretches Americans should try the next time they open a party-size bag of tortilla chips and realize it’s going to take them a while to polish off a simmering Crock-Pot full of chili-cheese sauce. “Take a break from the repetitive dipping motion every five hours if possible, and even more often when you’re dealing with a thicker dip, like a hummus or guacamole. Overall, the best way to avoid wrist injury when dipping over long periods of time is to go for an ergonomic chip like the Tostito’s Scoop. You can also try wearing a carpal tunnel brace, just make sure to buy one with a protection rating that indicates it is intended for use with up to seven layers of dip.” Belkin went on to demonstrate how one could dump nacho sauce over the top of a bucket of chips for a less strenuous alternative to prolonged dipping.
Things To Never Say To A Strip Club Performer #~# To help you avoid coming off like a desperate or insensitive fucking creep, The Onion provides this handy guide to the things you should never say to a strip club performer.
No One Has Heart To Tell Man That They Are All Figments Of His Untethered Mind #~# EUGENE, OR—Unsure how to break it to him that they didn’t exist, sources in the head of local man Marshall Horbol confirmed Monday that no one had the heart to tell the 32-year-old they were all merely figments of his untethered mind. “I’m worried he would take it really hard if he found out that everyone in his life was nothing more than a delusion conjured up by his warped psyche,” said the hallucinated image of a man who Horbol believed was his best friend, but who in fact had no corporeal form outside his brain. “I just don’t think he’s ready to accept that none of the people he has interacted with—his family, his friends, his teachers growing up, the bartender who just handed him what he thinks is a bottle of beer—was ever alive. He was always a sensitive boy, so it would crush him if he suddenly found out that his subconscious had fabricated everyone he loves out of thin air. I mean, just look how happy he is indulging in the fantasy that the world is real.” Reached for comment, Horbol confided to reporters that he was well aware his loved ones were only a product of his own raving madness, but that he felt it would be cruel to tell them so.  
California To Begin Offering Assisted Suicide To Any Over-30 Bachelor Currently Rewatching ‘Cowboy Bebop’ #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Calling it a humane answer to a heart-wrenching reality afflicting thousands across the state, California Gov. Gavin Newsom signed a bill Monday legalizing assisted suicide for any over-30 bachelor currently rewatching the 1998 anime series Cowboy Bebop. “Today, we are offering an escape from meaningless suffering for any single thirtysomething out there who decided they had nothing better to do than revisit the entirety of this show’s 26-episode run,” said Newsom, describing the bill’s generous provisions to euthanize men who were wondering whether the anime held up; threw on the first episode, “Asteroid Blues”; and then chose to watch all 650 minutes of the full series rather than search for a suitable mate. “It breaks your heart to think of men like this—people whose lives have clearly ceased to be worth living—spending night after night alone on their couch watching Jet Black, Faye Valentine, genius dog Ein, Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky IV, and Spike Spiegel hunt down bounties. We want them to know it doesn’t have to go on like this. All it takes is one call, and we will come to their house and put them out of their misery.” Newsom went on to emphasize that the bill allowed California to humanely deliver the fatal injection just as the closing credits song “The Real Folk Blues” fades out.
New FanDuel ‘Double Play’ Contest Offers Users Chance To Win Back House #~# NEW YORK—Touting the new competition as perfect for anyone who wanted to continue placing bets after the NFL season ended, FanDuel  unveiled a new “Double Play” contest Monday, offering users a chance to win back their house. “You may have made some risky bets in the NFL playoffs and lost your house—who hasn’t? That’s why we’re letting you go double or nothing on a new bet to win it back before your wife and kids find out,” said FanDuel spokesperson Bryce Aldridge, adding that users who could provide proof of having bet away the deed to their home or title to their car would receive the ability to double down with new bets in basketball, baseball, or hockey. “We want to keep the betting magic going for anyone who frittered away their kid’s college fund making all the wrong prop bets, and if that’s you, you should absolutely be trying to get it back by picking the right combination of basketball players to beat the competition. And for a limited time, we’ll also include a $50 bonus for any user who lost their house and can show us proof that they’ve called a suicide hotline since the Super Bowl ended. Good luck and happy betting!” At press time, FanDuel competitor DraftKings had unveiled a new contest allowing the top daily bettor on an upcoming slate of NBA games to gain their freedom from the DraftKings debtors’ prison.
Couple Leaves Baby At Airport Check-In After Refusing To Buy Child Ticket #~# A couple rushing to catch a flight abandoned their baby at an airport check-in desk in Tel Aviv after being told they would need to buy a separate ticket for the child. What do you think?
Report: This Last Time Chiefs Super Bowl Victory Will Be Enjoyable #~# GLENDALE, AZ—A report published immediately following the Kansas City Chiefs’ win over the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl LVII confirmed this was the last time a Chiefs Super Bowl victory would be enjoyable. “While even casual football fans and fans of teams besides the Chiefs have appreciated watching Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs’ high-octane offense dominate on the sport’s biggest stage, that appreciation ends today,” the Pew Research Center report read in part, explaining that after winning two Super Bowls in five years and making it to at least the AFC Conference Championship in the other three, the Chiefs were now a dynasty that no one outside their fan base would want to see win ever again. “Like the New England Patriots, San Francisco 49ers, and Dallas Cowboys before them, the Chiefs will now be considered annoyingly good, rather than thrillingly so. This will be the final time that seeing Andy Reid accept the Super Bowl trophy will elicit anything except a groan from the average fan, and Patrick Mahomes will now be widely considered an irritating presence who does too many commercials, rather than a generational quarterback talent. In addition, for each subsequent time the Chiefs win the Super Bowl, our findings indicate that rage at their continued success will increase exponentially. Our report’s recommendation is that everyone enjoy the Chiefs winning today, because from now on, you won’t.” The report also found that for diehard Chiefs fans, this would be the last Super Bowl win they would get to enjoy without having to get all weird and defensive about it.
Chiefs Medical Staff Help Critically Hungry Andy Reid Into Meat-Smoking Tent #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Calling timeout and coming to the aid of the team’s visibly ailing head coach during Super Bowl LVII, Kansas City Chiefs medical staff helped a critically hungry Andy Reid into the sideline meat-smoking tent. “After a member of our staff observed signs of low energy and problems focusing in Coach Reid, we determined that he was suffering from acute undernourishment and brought him to the meat-smoking tent for an immediate ingestion of pork spare ribs,” Chiefs medical staff member Daniel Fiers said Sunday, adding that Reid may have reaggravated the hunger pangs he developed in the first half and failed to treat them properly when he ate only one hoagie at halftime. “We’re grateful to State Farm Stadium personnel for fully stocking the meat-smoking tent with burnt ends, succulent brisket, and pulled pork. This game can take a lot out of someone, and when you haven’t eaten anything in over 10 minutes, as was the case with Coach Reid, you can become dangerously peckish. Fortunately, we got him into the meat-smoking tent before his condition grew more serious, and Coach Reid was able to polish off a whole smoked chicken under his own power.” At press time, Chiefs medical staff had rushed to Reid’s side after an apparent hunger relapse and quickly administered intravenous gravy.
Andy Reid Admits He Can Still Taste Last Super Bowl Victory In Mustache #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Reflecting on what his return to the sport’s highest stage meant to him as Super Bowl LVII got under way, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid admitted Sunday that he could still taste his last Super Bowl victory in his mustache. “It’s tangy, with a hint of sweetness—maybe mango or something,” said Reid, telling sideline reporter Erin Andrews that he stuck his tongue in the right corner of his mustache whenever he wanted a little reminder of what victory tasted like. “Sure, it’s not as strong a taste as the full flavor of triumph I experienced three years ago, but it lingers—oh yes, it lingers. Just a whiff of the taste of victory still lingering in my mustache, and I’m immediately transported back to that incredible day when I won my first Super Bowl as head coach. It’s simply heavenly. Want a lick?” Reid then admitted that within his mustache he also sometimes still found the bitter taste of his loss in Super Bowl XXXIX. 
Report: 84% Of Super Bowl Ads Specifically Intended To Distract From Human Rights Violation #~# CHICAGO—Exposing the ulterior motives behind the vast majority of commercials airing on the night of the most-watched game in America, a report published this week by University of Chicago researchers revealed that 84% of Super Bowl ads were specifically intended to distract from a human rights violation. “We’ve found that if any particular corporation has spent a significant amount of money on some silly, entertaining commercial featuring a rapping dog or a popular sitcom star, it is more than likely attempting to divert public attention away from some damning abuse of labor or ecology,” said lead researcher Neeraj Blake, explaining that the unveiling of a new mascot increased the likelihood that a company was in the midst of exploiting child slavery in Cambodia. “We see a direct correlation between the number of supermodels in any particular ad and the number of strip-mining operations a company has overseas.  If a song or dance is somehow involved, you can be almost certain that a corporation has funded covert operations to overthrow a foreign government in order to plunder a country’s natural resources. Any time you see a current or former SNL star, the company has committed genocide.” At press time, researchers confirmed that the remaining 16% of ads were intended to garner public goodwill for a future war crime. 
Kevin Burkhardt: ‘The Men, They Begin Their Brutal Clash, And We—We Cheer Their Broken Bodies’ #~# GLENDALE, AZ—In response to the opening kickoff at Super Bowl LVII, sports broadcaster Kevin Burkhardt announced Sunday that “The men, they begin their brutal clash, and we—we cheer their broken bodies.” “Titans of the human form here collide into one another, shattering their bones and rending their muscles asunder, all for us—we who are dazzled by the sweet chaos, a visceral devastation beloved by the masses,” said Burkhardt, noting to color commentator Greg Olsen that today’s matchup between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles was sure to be a veritable skirmish toward oblivion, sure to leave blood splattered upon the field as players are offered up as a sacrifice to the great and terrible deity, Football. “See, Greg, some of the lambs to the slaughter shall even arrive broken, and retreat more broken still, their minds in a haze as crash after crash leaves their memories awash in a foggy, forgotten sea. Millions are exhilarated across our land as they see this interminable march toward doom. We applaud, Greg, we applaud as we see the greatest of men pounded down, eroded, and reduced to little more than the dust of the earth from which they came.” At press time, a teary-eyed Burkhardt screamed out in ecstasy as the shattered men inched closer and closer to oblivion. 
Shy Andy Reid Asks Eagles If They Remember Him #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Mumbling as he spoke and attempting to brush a strand of hair behind his ear, a shy Andy Reid reportedly asked the Philadelphia Eagles  Sunday if they remembered him. “Hi, my name is Andy, do you remember?” said the Kansas City Chiefs head coach, who turned beet red and avoided eye contact with members of the Eagles, seemingly addressing the ground while he talked to his former team. “It’s okay if you don’t. I was around about 10 years ago. I remember you though. I would hang out mostly on the sidelines. Anyway, I can’t stick around. I have to work. I’ll be over there if you want to maybe come say hi later. Well, seeya, I guess.” At press time, the Eagles players were shrugging and wondering who the hell that rando who had approached them was. 
Roger Goodell Just Hoping For Competitive Game Where No One Dies On Field, Mentions League’s Record On Race, Brings Up CTE, Highlights Discriminatory Hiring Practices, Or Says ‘Deshaun Watson’ #~# GLENDALE, AZ—When asked how he felt about the hotly anticipated Super Bowl LVII, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Sunday that he was just hoping for a competitive game where no one died on field, mentioned the league’s record on race, brought up CTE, highlighted discriminatory hiring practices, or said “Deshaun Watson.” “I’ll be honest, all I want today is for our fans to get a heart-pounding few hours of football where not a single person is permanently paralyzed, says the words ‘Rooney Rule,’ or mentions the league’s abysmal record on domestic violence and sexual assault,” said Goodell, adding that the Super Bowl should be a game that promotes sportsmanship, fair play, and never acknowledges the tacit support of the U.S. military industrial complex, racist mascots, or creates a situation where someone talks so much about Black quarterbacks that they end up uttering “Colin Kaepernick.” “More than anything, I hope that the game today is about the Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles and their amazing players, coaches, and support staff, none of whom I will mention by name just in case it brings up some type of association with a delicate legal scandal. Super Bowl LVII will be an amazing game of competition, wit, and athleticism, so long as no one brings up race, gender, age, money, violence, children, the human body, concussions, the law, exploitation, slavery, life, or death. Also, the words ‘Tyreek Hill’ are off limits. But ‘Tom Brady’ is more than welcome.” At press time, Roger Goodell also expressed hope that the game would end with everyone happy and no one mentioning that he’s a smarmy, dishonest piece of fucking shit.
Kelce Brothers Beg NFL To Let Them Play On Same Team For Super Bowl #~# PHOENIX—Knocking furiously on Roger Goodell’s hotel room door to ask if the NFL commissioner had changed his mind, brothers Jason and Travis Kelce  were overheard Sunday begging the league to let them play on the same team for the Super Bowl. “C’mon, please, just this once let us be on the same team—it’s the Super Bowl, for goodness sake!’’ said Jason Kelce, a center for the Philadelphia Eagles, adding that he and his brother, Travis, a Kansas City Chiefs tight end, just wanted to be on the same team, and they would even let the league pick which team they played for. “Please, Mr. Goodell? We’ve been asking all week—please let us! There are only a few things that are more important than football, but one of them is family. It’s really hard for our parents to see us as opponents, and it would really mean a lot to them if we could be on the same team. Okay, what if we both play on our own teams for the first half, and we both promise to try really hard, and then we can be on the same team for the second half? I really want to hike the ball to my brother in the Super Bowl. C’mon, Mr. Goodell, please?” At press time, the Kelce brothers had reportedly decided that if the league wouldn’t let them play on the same team, they were going to put on each other’s jerseys and switch teams for the game.
Things To Never Say To An Eagles Fan #~# If you’ve ever had the misfortune of being acquainted with a die-hard Philadelphia Eagles fan, then you know that it is highly inadvisable to say any of the following things.
Things To Never Say To A Chiefs Fan #~# While it’s best to avoid engaging with them at all, if you must talk to someone who is a member of “Chiefs Nation,” here are things you should never say.
‘Late Late Show’ Canceled After Almost 30 Years On CBS #~# The Late Late Show, hosted by James Corden, has reportedly been canceled after nearly 30 years of broadcasting, with CBS planning to reboot the Comedy Central series @midnight as a replacement. What do you think?
Man Abuses Dog Because He Was Abused By Dog Who Owned Him As A Child #~# KEARNEY, NE—In an effort to put the man’s behavior into context by describing it as part of an intergenerational cycle of violence, a psychologist stated Friday that local 38-year-old Todd Adelwright mostly likely abused his dog because he had been abused by the dog who owned him as a child. “Throughout Todd’s childhood, the only model he had for what an owner should be like was the dog who would lock him in the basement when he misbehaved or leave him chained up to a tree in the yard,” said therapist Paula Jantzen, explaining that when Adelwright was young, the Irish setter who owned him would come home late every night, stumbling in through the pet door and growling at the boy until he cried. “So is it any wonder that Todd, now an owner himself, does the same thing with his dog Duke? When Todd was young, he learned that most problems could be solved with a swat from a rolled-up newspaper. In fact, that’s how the dog who owned Todd potty-trained him. Because he grew up thinking all this was acceptable, Todd does the very same things today.” The psychologist added that much of Todd’s treatment of Duke could be explained by the fact his owner had regularly forced him to compete in underground child-fighting rings. 
Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl LVII #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the team that will come away with victory in Super Bowl LVII.
Kamala Harris Exasperatedly Explains Her Job To Aunt Again #~# WASHINGTON—Releasing an involuntary sigh as she repeated what felt like the same conversation they had every month, an exasperated Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly explained her job to her aunt again Friday. “Come on, I’ve told you before—what about this is so confusing to you?” said Harris, who tried not to roll her eyes as she clarified that she was not a president, but just happened to have the word president in her job title. “It’s like a managerial position with some admin stuff. I just, like, formally preside, you know? No, I don’t break Senate ties anymore. I told you that. Sometimes there’s leftover food from diplomatic things, and they send out an email saying we can come to the State Dining Room and take the rest. Yes, I like it just fine.” At press time, Harris was trying to impress her aunt by boasting that she had once met Marty Walsh. 
Officials Brag That U.S. Military Has All The Different Kinds Of Guns #~# ARLINGTON, VA—During a press conference Friday in which they touted the full breadth of their  massive arsenal of firearms, Pentagon officials bragged that the U.S. military had all the different kinds of guns. “The really huge ones that have tons of bullets, but also the small ones you can hide and surprise people with—we have so many guns, and they can all shoot stuff and make people super dead,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who explained that some of the guns sounded like “pap-pap-pap-pap” while others sounded like “ka-boom, ka-boom,” and who imitated the sound of yet others by making a noise that involved lip trills and the projection of spittle. “Countries like China may have a bunch of guns, but we have way more. And bigger ones too—way bigger ones. Nobody has as big of guns as us. We put them on planes and boats and tanks, and hide them all over the place in Saudi Arabia and underwater and in space and wherever we want. Name any type of gun, we have it, and we can shoot whoever we want and not even get in trouble.” Pressed by reporters, Austin acknowledged the existence of a U.S. military program to acquire a gun that can shoot knives.  
What To Say To Someone Who Is A Fan Of Andrew Tate #~# Andrew Tate, a far-right influencer, was recently arrested in Romania on suspicion of human trafficking and rape. If someone you know is a fan of Andrew Tate, here’s what you should say.
Grammy For Best Hidden Track Awarded Just As Everyone Thought Ceremony Over #~# LOS ANGELES—Presenting the final statuette long after all the others had been handed out, the 65th Annual Grammy Awards bestowed the honor for best hidden track Thursday, just as everyone believed the ceremony was over. “There was this long stretch of silence and static for days after the live broadcast seemed to cut out, but then all of a sudden the stage lights kicked on and Pharrell was there reading the nominees for best hidden track,” said Melissa Proach, 28, an eagle-eyed viewer and self-described “hardcore Grammy fan” who suspected the awards show still had a big surprise in store when she looked at her TV screen and noticed the ceremony’s runtime was 87 hours. “My roommates kept telling me it was over, especially after Trevor Noah told everyone good night and the credits rolled, but I knew there might be something special still to come. They even had an unbilled performance by Olivia Rodrigo. She had on the same see-through dress she wore on the red carpet, but she looked really tired.” Proach added that the only person who remained in the audience for the hidden track presentation was an unshaven Ben Affleck, who appeared to jerk awake suddenly when the music started. 
Mom Sick Of Reminding Lazy Teenager To Reload Family Gun After Shooting Sprees #~# DICKINSON, ND—Groaning as she once again picked up several of his used shell casings off the ground, local mother Mandy Watkins told reporters Thursday she was sick of reminding her lazy teenager to reload the family gun after shooting sprees. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell him—if you use the family rifle to do some type of large-scale violent crime or mass shooting, always remember to put fresh bullets in it afterwards,” said Watkins, adding that the next time her 16-year-old son borrows the gun, goes out, shoots dozens of innocent bystanders, and then just leaves it sitting empty on the couch, he’d be in real trouble. “I mean, really, how hard is it to clean out the chamber, put in a new magazine, then put it back in the safe in our closet? I know he’s young, but I’m not always going to be there to reload his gun after he commits unspeakable acts of senseless violence. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to shoot something, pulled the trigger, and then just heard an empty click. Seriously, what kind of son are we raising?” At press time, a frustrated Watkins told reporters that her son had temporarily lost his gun privileges after he racked up over $2,000 at an ammunition store, went and shot into an unsuspecting crowd, and then tried to blame it on his little brother.
U.S. Demands U.N. Pass Resolution Officially Stating America Is Nice #~# NEW YORK—Demanding the General Assembly take “swift and immediate” action, the United States reportedly called on the United Nations Thursday to pass a resolution officially stating that America is nice. “It is vital that the U.N. adopts a resolution affirming that we are nice and we are good,” said U.S. ambassador Linda Thomas-Greenfield, who urged the member states present to approve the resolution that would contract other member nations to henceforth address the U.S. as Official Nice Country America. “And put in there that we’re doing a good job and we always try our best. A little updated placard that says ‘United States (Nice)’ would make our day. We get the sense that a lot of you think we’re mean. Well, maybe that makes you the mean ones. Australia thinks we’re pretty great, don’t you Australia? Come on, Australia. Don’t be shy.” At press time, 192 member countries had abstained.
AMC Theatres To Change Movie Ticket Prices Based On Seat Location #~# AMC Theatres will be rolling out Sightline at AMC, a ticket-pricing initiative that charges moviegoers based on seat location within the auditorium, similar to how seats are priced for concerts and sporting events. What do you think?
CEOs Explain How They Are Celebrating Black History Month #~# “I am going to challenge myself to read 10 words written by Black authors this month.”
Biden Delivers State Of The Union #~# President Biden, two years into his term and facing a Republican-led House for the first time, delivered his State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress last night. What did you think of the speech?
Anxious Marjorie Taylor Greene Wondering If She Talked Too Much Last Night #~# WASHINGTON—Waking up the morning after she repeatedly shouted at President Biden during his State of the Union address, an anxious Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) reportedly wondered Wednesday if she had talked too much the night before. “Ugh, I feel like I was just blathering on and on last night—I hope it didn’t come across that way,” said Greene, who later texted her friend Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) to ask if she was “being weird” during the speech. “I just meant to call the president a liar. I didn’t mean to get into all that stuff about China, let alone go off on drugs at the border. What was I even talking about? It’s so embarrassing. Maybe I should call Biden and apologize for making the whole night so awkward? God, he must think I’m so fucking stupid.” According to sources, Greene promised herself that the next time she was in the audience for a major political speech, she would limit her outbursts to unhinged invective against the Jews. 
Mitt Romney Exhausted After Scolding All 535 Liars In Congress #~# WASHINGTON—Still groggy and sore from the late night, Mitt Romney was reportedly exhausted Wednesday after scolding all 535 liars in Congress. “Oh boy, it took until 3 a.m., but I finally got it done,” said the disheveled, red-eyed senator, who recalled confronting legislator after legislator on the House floor following the State of the Union address, repeating “You’re a sick puppy” and “You should feel ashamed to be here” until his voice went hoarse. “I got Blumenthal, I got Scalise, I got Rubio, and AOC, and Gaetz. I started losing steam there after the two-and-a-half-hour mark, but I got a second wind right after I looked Kirsten Gillibrand in the eye and said, ‘You should be ashamed to be here.’ Finally, I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and wagged one finger at myself.” At press time, Romney was seen stumbling around D.C. scolding national landmarks. 
Highlights Of Biden’s State Of The Union Address #~# President Joe Biden delivered his second State of the Union address to the nation last night. The Onion looks at the highlights of the president’s speech.
Study Links Stress To Desperately Grasping For Out-Of-Reach Weapon As Villain Approaches #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—A new study published Wednesday in the Journal Of Behavioral Medicine has found evidence of a direct link between stress and one’s desperate attempts, when a villain is approaching, to grasp a weapon that’s just out of reach. “Cortisol levels in the brain increased dramatically in study participants who were stretching as far they could, struggling to get their hand on a knife or a gun that was inches away from their fingertips and was needed for defense against a person coming to kill them,” said Harvard University neuropsychologist Louis Bhabha, co-author of the study that showed anxiety and physical tension increased as the villain drew closer and peaked when the villain kicked the weapon to a far corner of the room just as the victim’s hand was about to get purchase on it. “Similarly, heart rate and blood pressure rose in people who were under attack and, though they were very close to it, could not quite grab hold of a two-by-four or broken bottle—either because they were pinned under debris or because they were forced to slide themselves across the floor due to a leg injury sustained earlier in the struggle.” Bhabha added that researchers saw an immediate decrease in stress levels when the participant’s sidekick, believed to be dead or incapacitated, had shown up at the last second to kill the villain and save the day.
Loyal Dog Spends Hours Each Day Humping Owner’s Grave #~# GARY,  IN—Impressing onlookers with the display of faithfulness for his former  master, a loyal dog named Milo reportedly drew attention Wednesday for  spending hours each day humping his owners grave. “You can really tell  how much this little guy loved his owner that he darts right toward his tombstone early in the morning and won’t leave until sundown  when he’s rubbed himself raw,” said local man Dennis Carlton who  expressed astonishment that the five-year-old Maltipoo would grind his  inflamed genitals against the grave marker every day, rain or shine,  refusing to be pried off the memorial to his cherished owner even when  the graveyard was closing for the night. “He’s a brave pup, too. If any  mourners tries to interrupt one of his grind-sessions to put flowers on  the grave, he barks and howls until they run off. And then he’s right  back to humping himself senseless. What a good boy!” At press time,  Carlton remarked that the sad part of it all was that Milo didn’t  understand that his owner would never again be alive to reach over and  finish him off to completion.
Whistleblower Uncovers CIA Plot To Get President Laid #~# WASHINGTON—In a covert operation in which intelligence officials are believed to have targeted dozens of hotties across the globe, the CIA has engaged in a sophisticated, ongoing effort to get President Biden laid, a whistleblower at the agency told reporters Wednesday. “On numerous occasions, the Central Intelligence Agency has exploited its assets around the world as part of a scheme to provide the president with unfettered access to grade A poon,” said the whistleblower, who spoke on condition of anonymity after downloading thousands of highly classified documents that describe an off-the-record program to undermine executive monogamy and “enable POTUS to get some trim” when traveling without the first lady. “Elite agents would go undercover as wingmen to undisclosed singles bars and hookup spots, gathering information on who might be willing to help President Biden establish a diplomatic back channel to Fucktown. They’ve even gone so far as to topple several marriages from South America to the Middle East in an effort to get the president’s dick wet.” According to documents provided by the whistleblower, the CIA has not yet declared the operation a success, having determined the mission would not be complete until the commander-in-chief was “combing the pussy out of his hair.”
Patient Who Was Declared Dead Found Still Alive In Body Bag #~# A continuing care home in Des Moines, IA has been fined $10,000 after funeral home workers discovered that a 66-year-old woman declared dead by the facility was still alive in a body bag. What do you think?
Republicans React To Biden’s State Of The Union Address #~# Biden’s second State of the Union has already generated a fair share of controversy, covering hot-button issues like inflation, police brutality, and rising tensions with China. The Onion asked Republicans what they thought of the address, and this is what they said.
Second Camera Shows Surprise Guest Xi Jinping Backstage Reacting To Everything Biden Saying #~# WASHINGTON—Showing the Chinese president grow visibly enraged as he listened to his American counterpart bad-mouth him behind his back, a backstage camera revealed  surprise guest Xi Jinping’s reactions to everything President Biden said during Tuesday night’s State of the Union address. “You have a problem with me you can’t say to my face, you fake bitch?” said Xi, appearing on a behind-the-scenes feed featuring the chyron “Called U.S. President ‘Lying Hussie’,” where he could be seen breaking down in tears, smashing a mirror in the green room  as aides held him back, and then rushing out to confront Biden as Congress whooped in applause. “Oh, so you can say you don’t like my spy balloon on national TV, but you don’t mention the trillion bucks you owe me, you broke-ass ho? Hey, get back here so I can beat your ass. Or run away, like you run from all our problems!” At press time, Biden had reportedly managed to calm Xi down by offering the weeping  leader a box of tissues and agreeing to joint custody of Taiwan.
‘But The Scary Balloon Popped, So They Went Back To Worrying About The Recession Monster,’ Says Joe Biden, Reading Illustrated Children’s State Of The Union #~# WASHINGTON—Holding the book up so everyone in the House chamber could see the pictures, President Joe Biden read about how “the scary balloon popped” and everyone “went back to worrying about the Recession Monster” as he shared an illustrated children’s edition of his State of the Union Tuesday. “See how the whole nation jumped for joy when the scary balloon popped?” said Biden, clearing his throat as he prepared to voice the lumbering, grumpy Recession Monster for the members of Congress who sat cross-legged on a carpet in front of him and listened with rapt attention. “‘Stop all that cheering! I have come to ruin your fun time and severely disrupt your economic growth, the Recession Monster growled. Then he used his magic inflation powers to fling the average price of a dozen eggs high into the sky.’ Oh, no, Speaker McCarthy—don’t cry! Remember, it’s only a picture book. Okay, everyone, when I turn the page, I want you all to boo as loud as you can to scare the Recession Monster away! Booooooooooooo!” At press time, the Capitol janitor was seen pouring sawdust over the section of carpet on the House floor where Sen. Joe Manchin had vomited.
‘Eh…You Get The Picture,’ Says Biden, Ending State Of The Union 45 Seconds Into Speech #~# WASHINGTON—President Joe Biden ended Tuesday night’s State of the Union address 45 seconds after he began it, limiting the annual speech to a few muttered phrases before he told the joint session of Congress and millions watching at home that he was sure everyone got the general idea. “Yeah, so, I just want to quickly mention the usual stuff about job creation, the state of union being strong, and all that,” said Biden, who after a brief nod of acknowledgment made no eye contact with his audience or the television cameras, instead scrolling listlessly through his phone as he delivered his message to the American people. “You get the picture, more or less, so I’m not going to keep anybody any later than necessary just so I can go on and on about putting aside our differences, finding common ground, and working together. God knows I’ve sat through enough of these in my life, and I assume you have as well. Good night.” The speech was immediately followed by a 30-second GOP rebuttal during which Arkansas Gov. and former Trump press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders appeared to nod off mid-falsehood.
AMC Now Basing Ticket Prices On Proximity To Guy Masturbating In Dark #~# LEAWOOD, KS—In a rollout of what the theater chain has dubbed “experience-based pricing,” AMC announced Tuesday that they were now basing ticket prices on proximity to a guy masturbating in the dark. “Starting Feb. 10, the cost of tickets will depend entirely on how close customers sit to a middle-aged man who is clearly jerking off in one of our many theaters,” said CEO Adam Aron, adding that the man’s location would be clearly marked on the seating chart with the words “public masturbator,” and customers would pay more or less depending on where they sat in relation to him. “In our most expensive ‘Preferred Sightline’ tier, customers will be able to sit so far away from the man that they can neither see nor hear him masturbating. In our ‘Standard Tier,’ they’ll be able to see the shadowy outline of the man’s hunched-over body and will likely be able to hear some heavy breathing and grunting. And in our least expensive ‘Value Sightline Tier,’ customers will sit directly next to the man as he puts the absolute bare minimum effort into hiding what he’s doing. At this tier, we strongly advise customers to refrain from making eye contact or looking inside the masturbating man’s popcorn carton.” At press time, Aron revealed that as an added incentive for signing up for AMC’s monthly membership program, customers would soon be able to pay to be the masturbating man.
George Santos Panicking After Prospective Aide He Thought He Made Up Accuses Him Of Sexual Misconduct #~# WASHINGTON—Racking his memory for the possible existence of any such person, New York Rep. George Santos (R) was reportedly panicking  Tuesday after a prospective aide he thought that he made up accused him of sexual misconduct. “But I totally lied about having to interview this fake person to get out of doing other stuff. They can’t be real,” said a visibly frightened Santos, adding that he had no idea how complaints could be filed with the House of Ethics committee when the person who submitted them was a complete figment of his imagination. “Am I going mad? They don’t exist—yes, I’ve acted inappropriately in the past, but I’ve never been called out to face consequences by a fictional stranger. Dear God, who knows how many more nonexistent people are out there that I conjured who also have an ax to grind.” At press time, Santos was trying to contact his lawyer that he made up for guidance.
Man Sues Woman For ‘Emotional Trauma’ After Rejecting Him #~# A man in Singapore has filed a lawsuit against a woman for $3 million, claiming that she caused emotional “trauma” to his life when she told him she wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship with him. What do you think?
Nation’s Children Rocked By Getting Molested Scandal #~# WASHINGTON—Under fire for their role in alleged sexual abuse, the nation’s children were rocked by a getting molested scandal, sources confirmed Tuesday. “How can we continue to even trust the children community if they go around getting molested like this?” said parent Linda Cowan, who was just one of hundreds of Americans across the country outraged following the release of a report that showed that tens of thousands of the nation’s children had been sexually abused in the past year alone. “I’ve lost my faith in children. This goes completely against the image of innocence they project. It’s a very bad look for them. And to any children listening, don’t think you can wipe your hands clean by just lying low or transferring to another school.” At press time, shocking new evidence revealed that the scandal may have been ongoing for hundreds of years.
Tom Brady Fans React To His Retirement #~# After 23 years in the NFL, including a brief 40-day retirement followed by a final season with the Buccaneers, Tom Brady has finally decided to retire again. The Onion asked his fans to describe how they felt, and this is what they said.
Police Stop Black Civilian For Fitting Description Of Giant Fire-Breathing Reptile Terrorizing Tokyo #~# LOS ANGELES—In an incident widely criticized as racial profiling, sources reported Thursday that L.A. police officers had stopped a local Black man who they claimed fit the description of a giant, fire-breathing reptile that was currently terrorizing Tokyo. “Right after we heard reports of a 400-foot kaiju knocking down Tokyo skyscrapers, we saw you cruising down Wilshire Boulevard, and we thought, ‘Hey, that’s the guy,’” officer Jake Landon said as he frisked the 5-foot-10, 180-pound African American he had detained 5,400 miles away from the ongoing mayhem in the Japanese capital, asking what had made him rise from Tokyo Bay, swat away incoming fighter jets, and proceed to leave a wake of desolation through the city. “You’ve obviously drained a few nuclear reactors this morning. Exactly how much uranium would you say you’ve had? Never mind—you clearly match the sketch we received of a massive, violent, radioactive sea monster, so you’re gonna have to come back to the station with us and answer some questions.” At press time, the Black man had reportedly opened his mouth to reply to a question and been shot dead by the police, who claimed his fire-breath constituted a threat to their safety.
Sponsored: 18 More Days Until You’re Struck And Killed By Kia Sorento #~# CHICAGO—In a hit-and-run expected to leave your loved ones devastated, a new report released this week found that there were only 18 days left until you would be struck and killed by the all-new 2023 Kia Sorento. “The countdown to oblivion has begun, starting at only 2.9% APR,” read the report, which noted that the Kia Sorento Hybrid EX, available in the colors everlasting silver, ebony black, and sapphire blue, among others, would fracture your skull and leave your internal organs strewn all over the street in just a little over 430 hours’ time. “Look both ways before you cross the street, or don’t. Stay inside if you want, but it doesn’t matter. Have no doubt, this versatile, modern hybrid will mow you down at an estimated 34 miles per gallon. Lucky you, the last thing you’ll ever see is the glare of the LED fog lights right before your eyeballs detach from your head. With the Kia Sorento’s powerful turbocharged engine, you’re guaranteed to have a closed-casket funeral.” At press time, the report urged you to visit your local Kia dealership today to learn more about the mid-size SUV that would kill you. 
Lawmakers Propose Letting Prisoners Donate Organs For Reduced Sentences #~# Massachusetts Democrats have proposed a bill that would allow prisoners to donate their organs for reduced sentences, giving people up to a year off their prison sentence “on the condition that the incarcerated individual has donated bone marrow or organ(s).” What do you think?
Harry Styles Figures He Should Listen To His Album Now That It Won Grammy #~# LOS ANGELES—Explaining that he was really more of a “podcast person,” pop star Harry Styles told reporters Monday that he figured he should listen to his album now that it had won a Grammy. “Well, if it’s getting a Grammy, then someone must like it,” said the 29-year-old Styles, who made a mental note to get around to listening to Harry’s House despite the fact that pop wasn’t usually his favorite genre. “I really have only heard that one song. I think it’s called ‘As of Yet’? Or maybe it’s ‘As If.’ I never really liked One Direction’s stuff, but maybe this will be different. It’ll probably be catchy if nothing else. I just hope it doesn’t remind me of my ex. She was super into Harry Styles.” At press time, Styles confirmed that the album was “just fine.”
Suburban School Worker Charged With Stealing $1.5 Million Worth Of Chicken Wings #~# A former head of food services at a south suburban school district has been charged in a massive embezzlement scheme in which she allegedly stole more than 11,000 cases of chicken wings valued at $1.5 million over a 19-month period. What do you think?
Books Ron DeSantis Has Banned In Florida #~# In response to new rules issued by the administration of Gov. Ron DeSantis, teachers are being ordered to remove all books from libraries and classrooms until they can be approved by a state-trained “certified media specialist.” The following books are currently banned from schools in Florida.
‘Wowie Zowie, An Email From Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff!’ Cries Imaginary Person Marketed To By DNC #~# PORTSMOUTH, NH—Exclaiming with hypothetical delight upon receiving the correspondence from the vice president’s husband, local imaginary person Caitlin Hofstadter reportedly reacted to a Democratic National Committee fundraising message Monday by crying out, “Wowie zowie, an email from second gentleman Doug Emhoff!” “Kamala Harris’ spouse wanted to email little old me?” said the nonexistent individual, remarking that the least she could do to thank the second gentleman for getting in touch was chip in $50 or even $100 of her entirely fictional savings. “Act before midnight to double my donation? I better hurry! This is the father of Ella and Cole we’re talking about, after all! [Nothing I’m saying is real. I don’t exist. None of this matters.] What a treat!” At press time, the made-up woman had responded to a follow-up email from Michael Bloomberg with such excitement that she burst into a cloud of smoke and vanished from the realm of fantasy forever. 
The Super Company Announces It’s Not Renewing Sponsorship Contract With NFL Bowl Game #~# ATLANTA—The professional football world was reportedly rocked Monday when the Super Company issued a press release announcing that it would not renew its sponsorship contract with the NFL’s championship bowl game. “Following some underperformance in terms of our financial goals over the past several years, our company needed to take a hard look at our expenditures, and we’ve made the difficult decision to end our  sponsorship of what will no longer be called the Super Bowl,” said Edward Super III, chairman and CEO of the Atlanta-based Super Company, which was first established in the 1931 as a paper goods firm before growing into a multinational manufacturing conglomerate, but is perhaps best known, since 1967, as the sponsor of the Super Bowl game. “We don’t make this decision lightly. My grandfather, Edward Super Sr., took a chance on the fledgling football league by agreeing to help fund and lend our family’s name to the very first Super Bowl game, and the Supers have been associated with the NFL ever since. We’ve enjoyed being part of the NFL’s rise; it’s a special league, and we’ve enjoyed the Super name being a part of that. However, times change, and after 56 years, the Super Company is ready to go in a different direction.” At press time, the NFL announced it had struck a partnership with Shit.com for Shit Bowl LVIII in 2024.
Study Finds Majority Of Americans No Longer Bothering To Unwrap Hamburger #~# BALTIMORE—Providing further insight into modern eating habits, a study published Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that a majority of Americans no longer bother to unwrap their hamburgers before eating them. “The number of American diners who bite into their burgers without removing the paper wrappers first has jumped significantly in the past 50 years,” said study co-author Martina Gaines, who added that in comparison to a similar survey conducted in 1973, modern hamburger eaters were six times more likely to engage in the practice, claiming that the paper “would only slow [them] down.” “A quarter of those who dove right into the burger, paper and all, never seemed to notice the wrapper was even there, while the rest of the participants simply shrugged, often stating ‘Why bother?’ or ‘It all goes to the same place anyhow’ when asked to elaborate.” Gaines noted that during the course of the experiment, 100 percent of the research team members who handed burgers to the participants were bitten on the fingers.
Cancer Patient Harasses Poor Little Insurance Company Into Covering Bill #~# MINNETONKA, MN—Calling the behavior mean-spirited and over the line, poor little insurer UnitedHealth Group told reporters Monday that cancer patient Belinda Rollins had harassed the company until it finally agreed to cover her bill. “That woman called us constantly, from the moment our phone lines opened until the time they closed, pressuring us to pay $45,000 for the time she spent in the hospital, and we felt so threatened, we eventually did what she told us to,”  said CEO Andrew Witty, adding that UnitedHealth Group had also received a series of intimidating emails from Rollins in which she bullied the innocent company into admitting both that she had met her deductible and that its policy explicitly covered her chemotherapy. “We were helpless. We tried putting her on hold for hours, passing her around to different departments, even disconnecting the call, but she just wouldn’t stop terrorizing our $440 billion company. In the end, we spent a fortune covering her life-saving cancer care because we were afraid she’d show up where we work and try to talk to someone in person. We felt unsafe.” At press time, UnitedHealth Group had reportedly decided to protect itself from future harassment by switching its customer service phone line to an unlisted number.
Police Chief Vows Officer Accused Of Misconduct Will Receive Harshest Possible Nickname #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Assuring the public his department would never allow severe misconduct to go unpunished, the chief of police in Minneapolis vowed Monday that officer Bill Branum, who recently shot and killed an unarmed civilian during a traffic stop, would receive the harshest possible nickname. “We wholeheartedly condemn the actions of this officer, and we will make that clear to him going forward by always referring to him  as ‘Mr. Jumpy’ while pretending to quickly reach for our guns,” said Chief Dennis McDonald, explaining that everyone in the precinct house or locker room would then laugh and make shooting noises with finger guns as a way to playfully “bust the balls” of the officer who, with no justifiable cause, drew his service weapon and fired 15 rounds into a 27-year-old father of three. “This running joke will continue in a light and jovial tone throughout the officer’s career, remaining in effect until he retires with a full pension in a few years. It reflects a policy that has already been implemented for numerous other members of the force, including Ol’ Chokey, Sgt. Head Cracker, and the Wife Beater Brothers. Rest assured, Officer Branum will never live this down. Isn’t that right, Mr. Jumpy?” McDonald went on to acknowledge that he had once been administered a nickname himself, and that’s why everyone in the department knew him as Chief Racist Murderer Guy.
NFL Medical Personnel Race For Quickest Ligament Repair During Pro Bowl Surgical Skills Challenge #~# PARADISE, NV—Performing lateral ankle reconstruction procedures before a sold-out crowd at Allegiant Stadium, NFL medical personnel were racing for the quickest ligament repair Sunday during the Pro Bowl Surgical Skills Challenge. “While Dr. George P. Maiers of the Colts has the AFC staff out to an early lead with some quick, precise suturing, Falcons team physician Dr. Kyle Hammond has mounted a strong NFC comeback with some timely imbrication, showing why he’s one of the true game-changing surgeons in the NFL,” announcer Kirk Herbstreit said as he followed the action on the field, where the top six team doctors from each conference operated on patients in the first of eight events comprising the day-long skills challenge. “It’s close, the clock’s running down, and—oh, and the tissue forceps have been fumbled by [Cleveland Browns physician] Dr. Voos! The tissue forceps are loose, and the ankle wound is still open! There’s a scramble on the operating room floor, and they’re, yes, they’re picked up by Dr. Cooper of the Cowboys—a massive turnover so late in the operation. The NFC squad is using both sets of forceps on their patient now, and it’s tough to see how the AFC medical team will fix this torn ligament without them. A reminder to stay with us for the next stages in our skills challenge, which will measure how fast doctors can reach an injured player, diagnose him with a concussion, and get him through the protocol and back out on the field.” At press time, the contest’s referee had issued a penalty to Los Angeles Chargers team doctor David Gazzaniga for trying to anesthetize a doctor on the opposing squad.
President Biden To End Covid-19 Emergencies May 11 #~# President Joe Biden informed Congress on Monday that he will end the twin national emergencies for addressing Covid-19 on May 11, as most of the world has returned closer to normality nearly three years after they were first declared. What do you think?
Court Rules Domestic Abusers Cannot Be Barred From Owning Instrument Of Vengeance #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that previous laws were inconsistent with the U.S. Constitution, the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled this week that domestic abusers could not be barred from owning an instrument of vengeance. “According to the court’s historical interpretation of the Second Amendment, Americans cannot legally be prevented from purchasing or wielding a method with which to carry out a violent act of retribution,” Judge Cory Wilson wrote in the court’s opinion, adding that per the founding fathers original intent, every American, including domestic abusers, had a God-given right to enact lethal vengeance against whoever they felt was worthy of their ire. “Be it the ex-girlfriend who so heinously wronged you, a coworker who looked at you in a weird way, or a sonuvabitch judge who ruined your life, all Americans have the right to bear whatever arms they need to destroy their enemies once and for all. Without the right to dole out justice and reckoning, we are nothing as a country. This type of senseless violence is what we were built on.” At press time, the court also struck down a mandatory waiting period that Judge Wilson claimed made it take too long for those who had been wronged and were blinded by rage to finally get sweet, sweet revenge. 
Nation Surrenders To Chinese Balloon #~# WASHINGTON—Bowing down before the floating intruder mere hours after it entered American airspace, the entire U.S. nation reportedly surrendered Friday to the Chinese balloon spotted hovering over Montana. “Today, I speak to the Great Balloon to say unequivocally: the country is yours,” said President Joe Biden in a Rose Garden address in which he—along with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Secretary of State Antony Blinken—lowered themselves to their knees and pledged fealty to the spherical white invader in exchange for mercy. “You can have all our states, all our protectorates. I have told our military to stand down, and I’d advise all 350 million Americans to do so, as well. There is no way to counter this unstoppable display of force. Please, you have already outwitted us. Take pity on our people.” Biden went on to say he was consider offering an olive branch to the balloon by sacrificing Vice President Harris.
Florida Board Of Education Removes Africa From World Maps #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying  the continent’s existence raised numerous questions of bias and accountability  in the classroom, the Florida Board of Education reportedly responded to heated statewide controversy Friday by removing Africa from all world  maps. “Many parents expressed concern that we were teaching their  children to be unpatriotic by depicting the existence of the African  continent,” said board chair Thomas R. Grady, who noted that the removal  of the world’s second-largest continent from school textbooks and  atlases would not prevent parents and students from discussing the  contentious geographic issue at home. “Some thought seeing Africa drawn  on a map might suggest we want white students to feel guilty about  themselves. Nothing could be farther from the truth, and we hope this  comes across when they see the large landless swath of ocean now visible  between South America and Asia. Also, let’s not forget about the role Africa played in the slave trade.” At press time, the board had agreed to  compromise with critics by adding a second America where the African  continent once was.
Geneticists Announce They Have Resurrected Woolly Mammoth’s Trunk Only #~# AUSTIN, TX—In a watershed breakthrough in the effort to bring back extinct species by synthesizing their DNA in a laboratory, a team of geneticists announced Friday they had resurrected a woolly mammoth’s trunk, though not any other part of the animal. “While we admittedly fell short of our ultimate objective—giving life to this magnificent Ice Age creature so it could once more roam the steppes of the frozen tundra—we are nonetheless pleased with our success in creating a living, breathing mammoth trunk,” said David Silva, a researcher at the genetic engineering firm Colossal who spoke to reporters at the company’s headquarters, where lab assistants placed the mammoth appendage on a conference room chair only to watch it flail around and flop itself down onto the floor. “Our plan now is to just keep at it, moving on to the tail, the tusks, and then the feet—which will be hard, because they were absolutely huge, and we have to grow everything from a few cells in a test tube. But once that painstaking, piecemeal approach is finished, we should have no problem stitching all the parts together and giving the world its first woolly mammoth in 10,000 years.”  At press time, reporters fled the room when the disembodied trunk, apparently both sentient and angry, began strangling to death each of the geneticists responsible for bringing it to life as a horrific freak.
Newly Discovered Sketches Reveal Regional Chain Restaurants Lewis And Clark Encountered On Expedition Across America #~# WASHINGTON—In a stunning revelation that demonstrates the expedition’s deep cultural significance, historians at the National Archives announced Friday the discovery of sketches that depict the regional chain restaurants Lewis and Clark encountered during their journey across America. “These chain establishments soon became a familiar sight, and a welcome one on occasions when we were in the throes of great hunger, yet not of a disposition to hunt or fish,” Capt. Meriwether Lewis wrote in the newly unearthed journals, which contain the famed explorer’s drawings of fast food and casual dining franchises found in the early 19th-century American West, as well as descriptions of their reliable if uninspired appetizers of hardtack, dried tubers, and venison sticks. “In such places we made a middling repast upon boiled elk or warmed-over bison shank, always served to us in severely lit rooms of oppressive design. It was in this way, however, that we met the Indian known as Sacagawea, a hostess at a Culver’s near Fort Mandan who soon joined our expedition, acting as interpreter and enabling us to establish trade with various proprietors of all-you-can-eat buffets.” In addition to their insights into the Lewis and Clark Expedition, the sketches are said to provide definitive evidence that the restaurant chains Waffle House, Friendly’s, Whataburger, Steak ’n Shake, and Jack in the Box were all appropriated from Native American tribes. 
Tom Brady Retires Again #~# Seven-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady has announced his second retirement from the NFL a year after announcing it the first time and after a regular season in which his Buccaneers finished with an 8-9 record. What do you think?
Rules To Follow When Dating A Friend’s Ex #~# There are 8 billion other people on the planet, and yet you’ve chosen to date a friend’s ex. If you’re currently stuck in this unfortunate situation, here are some rules you should follow.
Revised AP African American Studies To Focus Mostly On Herman Cain’s Rise To Pizza CEO #~# NEW YORK—In a move designed to make the curriculum more palatable to conservatives, the College Board announced Thursday that its revised AP African American Studies course would focus mostly on Herman Cain’s rise to CEO of a pizza restaurant chain. “As of today, the newest iteration of the AP African American Studies curriculum will focus almost entirely on the life, accomplishments, and origins of businessman, pizza mogul, and Tea Party activist Herman Cain,” said College Board president Jeremy Singer, adding that while his organization had removed controversial aspects of the course that covered intersectionality, the Black Lives Matter movement, and slavery reparations, it had also added new ones about Cain’s humble beginnings as a boy in Georgia, his first big break at the Pillsbury Company, and his eventual appointment as CEO of Godfather’s Pizza. “Although the syllabus no longer includes the writings of Kimberlé Crenshaw, bell hooks, or Ta-Nehisi Coates, we have gone to great lengths to include  Cain’s various writings about Burger King and his 9-9-9 tax plan, as well as an in-depth analysis of all his favorite pizza toppings. Herman Cain did so much for the Black community, and we are excited to offer American high school students a university-level course on the first Black man to become CEO of a major pizza company.” At press time, the College Board drew criticism for controversial sections of the AP African American Studies curriculum that repeatedly denied that Herman Cain had ever sexually harassed women or died of Covid.
Biden Casually Tells National Prayer Breakfast He’s Been To Heaven Several Times #~# WASHINGTON—As he transitioned from an anecdote about how his personal faith had allowed him to overcome many hardships in life, President Joe Biden casually mentioned during the National Prayer Breakfast Thursday that he had been to heaven several times. “You know, all this talk of prayer reminds me of the promised land, a place where I’ve been something of a regular over the years,” said Biden, who went on to describe many instances in which he had died and found himself in an eternal afterlife where he rubbed elbows with the likes of John McCain, Ted Kennedy, Joan of Arc, and Ray Liotta. “It’s a really cool place, paradise. I was actually there this morning. If you think this catering is good, wait until you’ve tried the never-ending ambrosia in the Kingdom of God. Always seems a shame when I’m jolted back to life and have to return to earth.” After a few closing remarks about how God was currently beckoning him to walk toward the light, the president ended his speech by closing his eyes and collapsing to the floor.
Victoria’s Secret Apologizes For Ill-Advised Body Positivity Campaign Showing Horse Wearing Bra #~# REYNOLDSBURG, OH—In what the lingerie retailer described as a well-meaning but ultimately misguided attempt to give its customers what they wanted, Victoria’s Secret apologized Thursday for an ill-advised body positivity campaign that included images in which a horse is seen wearing a bra. “Please know that we were trying our best with the ads that featured a mare wearing a lace push-up bra, and that we are still learning how best to depict bodies of all sizes and types,” said CEO Martin Waters, acknowledging that while he and other top executives at the company believed the horse was depicted in a sexy and empowering light, the advertisement had nonetheless fallen short of customers’ expectations. “To be honest, we’re not quite sure what we did wrong, but we are taking stock and reflecting on what we could have done differently with this horse. If it was some kind of animal rights concern, please rest assured that the horse had never felt more comfortable and supported than it did while wearing our latest line of embroidered, medium-lift bras.” Waters added that the company planned to make amends in its next body positivity campaign by using more plus-sized horses.
What To Know About YouTube Influencer MrBeast #~# With over 130 million subscribers, MrBeast is one of the top YouTubers of all time, an influencer who has having earned both praise and criticism for his expensive stunts. The Onion takes a deep dive into the life and times of MrBeast.
Scientists Reverse Aging Process In Mice #~# In a recent study, scientists were able to alter the genetic structures of DNA in mice to either accelerate or reverse effects of aging like deteriorating eyesight, smaller attention span, and skin tissue falters. What do you think?
Woman Puts On True Crime Podcast To Entertain Herself While Cleaning Up Husband’s Entrails #~# BOONE, NC—Saying it was the only way she could get through two hours of scrubbing blood from the floor, local woman Janet Kessler reportedly put on a true crime podcast Thursday to entertain herself while cleaning up her husband’s entrails. “I know that those types of shows can be a little dark, but there’s just something about playing a true crime podcast that makes chores like disposing of my husband’s dismembered body way more fun,” said Kessler, adding that playing podcasts that featured an array of grizzly unsolved murders was the perfect way to fend off boredom while chopping up the corpse, dissolving it in acid, and washing it down the bathtub to remove any DNA. “I just go on iTunes, pick a random one about a murderous wife, and by the time I’m done, I’ve somehow managed to pick all the skull fragments off the furniture and wash all the viscera off the walls. Sometimes, unless I’ve got a juicy new true crime show, I can’t even bring myself to put on my gloves and get to work destroying evidence.” At press time, sources confirmed Kessler couldn’t decide on a true crime podcast, gave up, and ended up watching ID TV until the police arrived and immediately arrested her.
Musicians Explain Why They Hate Ticketmaster #~# Following recent Senate hearings on Ticketmaster, more and more artists are speaking out against the online ticket-sales monolith. The Onion asked musicians how they felt about the platform, and this is what they said.
City Hopes Building Freeway Through White Neighborhood Can Count As Reparations #~# LOS ANGELES—Arguing that the move would technically help decrease inequality across the city, members of the Los Angeles City Council announced Thursday that they hoped building a freeway through a white neighborhood could count as reparations. “We hate to ask, but is there any way that expanding a highway through a traditionally Caucasian, middle-class neighborhood could be considered repayment for past racial injustice?” asked city council member Tina Slater, adding that building the massive six-lane road was guaranteed to evict hundreds of white families, bulldoze several white-owned homes, and damage the health of the remaining white families for generations to come. “We know this can never truly make up for the crimes committed against African American residents, but  it will definitely help bring everyone down to the same dire economic circumstances. No, there won’t be any direct repayment to Black families per-se, but you’ll get a front row seat to a bunch of white people having their financial, mental, and physical health irrevocably destroyed. Everybody wins!” At press time, Slater announced that the city council had tossed Black residents another olive branch by offering to chemically castrate white patients.
George Santos To Recuse Self From House Committees #~# Embattled New York Rep. George Santos (R) informed GOP colleagues in a closed-door meeting that he will recuse himself from serving on House committees amid ongoing scrutiny about his background and questions about his future in Congress. What do you think?
Exclusive Interview With George Santos #~# Santos: Today’s Wednesday, so I’m from Queens.
Ticketmaster To Require Purchase Of Round-Trip Concert Tickets For Exiting Venue After Show #~# WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Updating the company’s terms of service, live-entertainment giant Ticketmaster announced Wednesday that it would soon be requiring customers to purchase round-trip tickets to cover the cost of both entering and exiting a concert venue. “Round-trip tickets will only be required in cases where the attendee wishes not only to be admitted to a show, but also to be permitted to leave once the show is over,” said Ticketmaster spokesperson Brenna Winfield, adding that there would be a limited number of tickets available for any given departure time, so customers who wanted to be among the first to leave a concert should expect to pay a higher fee. “Ticketmaster customers worried about the additional costs associated with exiting a venue should know that rates drop significantly on slower days, so if they attend an event on, say, a busy Saturday night, they can typically save up to 15% by extending their stay in the completely dark, empty arena until Tuesday or Wednesday. Another option is to leave the show before it ends, but please be aware we charge a $200 ticket-change fee for concertgoers who decide they want to go home early because the band sucks.” At press time, several hundred Taylor Swift fans had reportedly been trampled to death in Arizona after Ticketmaster’s demand-based pricing system pushed the cost of exiting State Farm Stadium to more than $10,000.
Whites Ousted From Role As Master Race After Racist Past Comes To Light #~# NEW YORK—In a remarkable turn of events that forced them to immediately surrender their long-held position of supremacy,  white people were reportedly ousted as the master race Wednesday after their racist past came to light. “Today’s revelations of bigoted and xenophobic behavior suggest whites cannot possibly remain superior to all other humans, and so we have asked them to step down from their position at the top of the racial hierarchy,” said U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres, acknowledging that whites exhibited conduct that was wholly unbecoming of the master race and that his own European forebears had engaged in widespread colonialism, slavery, and oppression over many hundreds of years. “A genetically pure race at the forefront of all civilization has to be a group of people we can take seriously, and with their petty, ignorant hatreds, white people hardly fit the bill. Perhaps they may be reinstated as the dominant race at some point in the future, but for now they need to think long and hard about how they can wield their white power in a positive way.” At press time, the United Nations announced that Polynesians had been named interim master race until a permanent replacement could be found.
Things To Never Say To Someone With An OnlyFans #~# OnlyFans is a popular online platform where creators can sell pornographic photos, videos, and other explicit content. If you know someone who is an OnlyFans user, here are things you should never say.
‘I Finally Made The Switch From Coffee,’ Says Man Holding Gun To His Head To Get Adrenaline Rush #~# BALTIMORE—Boasting that he had finally kicked caffeine and found a new way of perking up in the morning, local man Paul Randolph was overheard Wednesday saying “I finally made the switch from coffee” as he held a loaded gun to his head to get an adrenaline rush. “It still gives you a good rush without making you feel too buzzy,” Randolph said as he pressed the muzzle of a Glock to his temple and released the trigger safety, allowing the sound of the metal click to give him an extra jolt of energy. “There’s no afternoon crash, either. I used to drink three, sometimes four, cups of coffee to get through my workday, but now I get the same effect with just one cocked and loaded sidearm digging into my scalp. Sure, I miss the enticing aroma of a good fresh cup of coffee, but these things have their own complex, distinctive smell as soon as they go off.” Randolph added that the only side effect of his new method of attaining an adrenaline rush seemed to be heavy, continuous sobbing.
29-Year-Old Woman Arrested For Posing As High School Student #~# A 29-year-old woman has been arrested after allegedly using a forged birth certificate to enroll at a local high school, attending classes for four days before staff found out her age. What do you think?
Cop Confused After Pouring Fentanyl On Wife Doesn’t Do Anything #~# FISHERS, IN—With his effort failing to result in the instant death he’d expected, local cop Bryce McDermott expressed confusion Wednesday after he poured fentanyl on his wife and nothing happened. “I don’t understand—all the guys at work told me that any skin contact with this stuff will immediately kill you,” said the eight-year  law enforcement veteran, who had left his house after yet another fight with his wife, seized some fentanyl powder from a police department evidence locker, and returned to throw it on her—only to find that it had no effect besides making her extremely angry and scared. “What the fuck? They told me this was, like, 100 times stronger than the lethal amount. And this fucking bitch has some on her arms and even her face, and it doesn’t do anything? Goddammit, I had it all planned out. It was going to be the perfect crime, and now what? This is supposed to be the most dangerous substance on earth, for fuck’s sake. Now what the hell am I going to do with this stupid broad? Someone must have slipped her the antidote!” At press time, sources confirmed the fentanyl had immediately killed the police officer after he merely touched it. 
Study Suggests ‘Dad Jokes’ May Help Kids Develop Into Healthy Adults #~# A recent study suggests “dad jokes” actually have a positive effect on development, with researchers saying that when fathers embarrass their children with unfunny jokes, it teaches them how to overcome awkwardness. What do you think?
Annotations In Used Copy Of ‘Autobiography Of Malcolm X’ Make It Painfully Obvious That Previous Owner Was White #~# CHICAGO—With dumbfounded question marks and astounded exclamation points littering the margins of almost every page, the handwritten annotations found Wednesday in a secondhand copy of The Autobiography Of Malcolm X made it painfully obvious that the previous owner of the book was white. “It’s amazing how many of the notes in here start with ‘But what about…’ or just say, ‘That’s going a little too far,’” the volume’s current owner, local man James Hawkins, told reporters as he flipped to a page in which Malcolm X is accused of reverse discrimination in a pencil scrawl underlined three times. “Every time the text refers to something like the ‘devil white man,’ the phrase has been circled and someone’s written ‘Hmm…’ off to the side. And when it starts mentioning the Nation of Islam, they just wrote ‘Terrorist?’” Hawkins went on to observe that the annotations don’t go past the first chapter.
D.C. Lobbyists Pay Senators 5 Bucks To Fight Each Other #~# WASHINGTON—Looking for a fun diversion on a boring Wednesday afternoon, a group of high-powered D.C. lobbyists reportedly paid a couple senators five bucks to fight each other. “Here it is, a crisp fiver to the winner—now fight, you fucking losers,” said U.S. Chamber of Commerce CEO Suzanne Clark as members of Ernst and Young, BGR Group, and several other lobbying firms formed a circle around bruised, bloody-knuckled Sens. Ron Johnson (R-WI) and Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “Anything goes, okay? Scratching, biting, kneeing each other in the balls. Do whatever you want, we don’t give a fuck. Whoever wins this brawl can use this five bucks for their reelection campaign or a pet project in their district. But you can’t stop till we say so. Jesus, you guys are so fucking pathetic. This is worse than the time we gave [Sen. Tommy] Tuberville (R-AL) 25 cents to eat dog shit. Okay, let’s make this more interesting. An extra dollar for every good eye-gouge you can get.” At press time, sources confirmed Sen. Tim Kaine (D-VA) had been beaten to death and the lobbyists were posing for pictures with his corpse. 
Catholic High School Newsletter Has Updates On Which Alumni Are In Hell Now #~# FLINT, MI—Calling the dispatches a great way for students to learn what the institution’s former attendees have accomplished since graduation, sources confirmed Tuesday that the Powers Catholic High School’s newsletter provides updates on which alumni are in hell now. “Every monthly bulletin does a couple features on who’s been damned to an eternity of endless suffering,” said alumnus Andrew Douglas, adding that it was always interesting to see what circle of hell everyone was in after all these years and whether their bodies were repeatedly being ripped apart by demons or if they were sentenced to choke on their own excrement in perpetuity. “There are some older friends who I totally fell out of touch with after they finished school, so it’s nice to learn that a few are spending time encased in everlasting flames. The special section is also really helpful for networking if I ever find myself in the third circle for gluttony and need tips on how to best handle being impaled by Beelzebub.” Douglas continued that while there were several former students profiled in every issue, the majority of entries in the “Who’s Who In Hell” portion were the priests.
Jason Sudeikis Takes White House Lectern To Drunkenly Rant About How Harry Styles Ruined His Life #~# WASHINGTON—Slurring  his words as he forcefully gestured at reporters with a  brown-bagged bottle, actor Jason Sudeikis reportedly  took the White House lectern  during a press conference on mental healthcare to drunkenly rant about how Harry  Styles ruined his life. “Mental health is an important way to get a  handle on yourself when a stupid British piece of shit destroys  everything you love and rips your heart out of your fucking chest,” the visibly intoxicated actor said Monday, teetering on  the edge of the stage and belting out the first few verses of  “Watermelon Sugar” as alarmed White House aides attempted to pull the  microphone from his hands. “Get your hands off me! I’m Ted Fucking  Lasso! Now I want to say something. If that untalented limey son of a  bitch is listening, you don’t you hurt her, you hear me? You so much as  lay a finger on her and I’ll kill you.” At press time, Sudeikis had  reportedly taken a moment to get into character and discuss the value of  positivity only to break down and scream that he couldn’t stop  picturing them in bed together. 
Jimmy Carter Gets Vasectomy #~# PLAINS, GA—According to sources familiar with the medical treatment he is currently receiving, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, underwent a conventional surgical vasectomy Tuesday in an effort to prevent any unwanted pregnancies. “I’m not at a point in my life right now where I want to take on the responsibility of having a child, so this just made sense,” said Carter, explaining that he had originally tried to convince his wife Rosalynn Carter, 95, to get her tubes tied, but the former first lady was “just too baby crazy” to agree to the procedure. “A vasectomy is a reversible operation, so if, as time goes by, I decide I’m ready to be a father again, that will still be an option. But at the moment, I want the peace of mind that comes from knowing I won’t accidentally get someone pregnant, especially now that Georgia has a six-week abortion ban.” Reports later confirmed that, for the first time in years, a mid-coital Carter was enjoying the raw, skin-on-skin pleasure of not wearing a condom and freely ejaculating during vaginal sex.
U.S. Announces Plans To Reclassify Everyone’s Race Based On Net Worth #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming the new system would make things simpler for everyone and avoid confusing mix-ups, Congress passed a joint resolution Tuesday that would reclassify every citizen’s race according to their net worth. “It is resolved by the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives that any American whose wealth exceeds $1 million shall be white,” read the bipartisan legislation, which went on to state that citizens who were dissatisfied with the race they were assigned under the new criteria would be “free to pull themselves up by their bootstraps” in order to reach a racial category of greater privilege. “Now, regardless of the color of their skin, those who are rich will receive all the rights a wealthy person is entitled to in this country. Meanwhile, those with a net worth in the six figures, though they cannot be white, will still qualify as Asian, with the social scale moving downward from there to Latino and Black. This should go a long way toward making our racial stereotypes as accurate as possible.” In an attempt to deal a final blow to the complications of intersectionality, Congress was reportedly taking up additional legislation to ensure everyone earning above the median income level was classified as a man, and everyone below it as a woman.
Dunkin’ Discontinues Fan-Favorite Dunkaccino Drink #~# Dunkin’ has quietly pulled the Dunkaccino from the coffee chain’s menus, ending a more than two-decade run for the fan-favorite drink that mixed together coffee and hot chocolate as the company focuses on innovation. What do you think?
Woman Gives Friend A Call On Way Home To Take Mind Off Dangerous Road Conditions #~# DICKINSON, ND—Needing a release from the current drama going on around her, local woman Amber Westmoore told reporters Tuesday that she was going to give her friend a call on the way home to take her mind off the dangerous road conditions. “The low visibility is really stressing me out, and Meredith can always calm me down,” said Westmoore, adding that it was nice to have a friendly voice on the line to distract her from the slick and perilous stretch of highway. “It’s really scary driving in these hazardous conditions when the smallest mistake in steering could send my car into a ditch, so chatting with my friend is completely making me forget about risk. I should switch to FaceTime to get the extra comfort of seeing her warm smile rather than swirling wind and snow.” At press time, Westmoore told reporters she was glad her friend was there to distract her so she didn’t have to watch as her car hit a pedestrian.
Clearblue Introduces New At-Home Test That Tells You If You’re Beautiful #~# GENEVA—Promising the fastest and most accurate results in the market, Swiss Precision Diagnostics introduced a new at-home Clearblue test Tuesday that tells users if they’re beautiful. “There’s nothing worse than uncertainty, but with the all-new Clearblue Rapid Detection Beauty Test, you can know for sure if you’re really pretty or not,” said company spokesperson Ann Langel, who explained that with just a few drops of urine, the test was able to tell with over 99% accuracy if the user was hot or not. “Stop wondering, ‘Am I gorgeous? Am I ready to be a hottie?’ and get the answer for sure. Simply pee on the stick and wait 15 minutes to receive your results. One line indicates a negative result, and one line plus one flame indicates a positive. Whether you’re hoping to achieve a ‘hot’ or crossing your fingers for a ‘not,’ Clearblue can help.” At press time, Langel added users needed to be pretty for at least 10 days for results to be accurate.
Children React To Loosened Child Labor Laws #~# Several states have recently introduced bills to eliminate age verification for young workers. The Onion asked several children how they felt about loosened child labor restrictions, and this is what they said.
French Bulldog Becomes Top U.S. Dog Breed #~# According to new American Kennel Club rankings, the expensive and highly sought-after French bulldog was the most popular dog breed in the U.S. in 2022, unseating labradors from the top spot for the first time in 31 years. What do you think?
Neighbors Shocked To Hear Quiet, Unassuming AR-15 Went On Killing Rampage #~# LADLEY, SC—Reeling in the wake of a shooting that left three dead and eight wounded, neighbors were reportedly shocked Friday after a seemingly quiet, unassuming AR-15 went on a killing rampage. “It just doesn’t make any sense—that semiautomatic was always such a sweet and respectful little rifle when we saw it around town,” said local resident Dan Cotton, who stressed that he and his wife always loved bumping into the weapon at farmers markets, concerts, and block parties, and that the beloved high-capacity weapon had never done anything in their presence to arouse suspicion. “Sure, the AR-15 was a little reserved, but it seemed like any ordinary rifle that loved hunting and shooting cans. Frankly, it’s shocking to hear this. We were just at a rally with the AR-15 the other day.” Cotton added that what made this especially tough to comprehend was that he had not once heard the rifle utter a word about killing.
Man’s Use Of ‘Babe’ Increases Exponentially As Girlfriend Closes In On Truth #~# STOCKTON, CA—Demonstrating a direct correlation between the two phenomena, local man Campbell Rymski’s reported use of the word ‘babe’ increased exponentially Monday as his girlfriend closed in on the truth. “Babe, please. Babe, it’s not what it looks like,” said Rymski, his use of the term escalating dramatically as his girlfriend discovered he had run into his ex while he was out partying the night before, and as she started to piece together the clues that led to him not coming home until morning. “C’mon, babe, that isn’t fair, babe. Babe, you know, babe, I would never—babe! Babe, babe, babe, wait, babe, come back!” At press time, Rymski’s use of ‘babe’ reached peak numbers in a rapid firing of ‘Babebabebabebabebabe’ as he chased his girlfriend’s car as she pulled out of the driveway on her way to stay at her sister’s place.
Lazy EPA Tries To Claim They Successfully Brought Dogs Back From Brink Of Extinction #~# WASHINGTON—Maintaining that the effort definitely happened and anyone who doubted them was probably just jealous, lazy officials at the Environmental Protection Agency claimed Monday that they’d successfully brought dogs back from the brink of extinction. “The truth is, a year ago, Canis familiaris was almost wiped off the face of the planet, and we, uh, worked really hard and brought them back to life,” said EPA administrator Michael Regan, who, while smirking and making eye contact with other members of his team, added that thanks to the agency’s extensive conservation, tracking, and breeding efforts, the species was now stronger than ever. “As of today, there are millions of happy and healthy dogs—including pugs, poodles, bulldogs, golden retrievers, German shepherds, and greyhounds—living all over the world. Anyway, in our opinion, this achievement totally makes up for all the other species that did go extinct this year, and you should definitely give us more money as a result.” At press time, the EPA announced that it had received a $60 million grant from the federal government to bring species including cats, rats, and humans back from extinction.
Congress Rules Food Stamps Can Only Be Used On Rutabagas #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to prevent needless eating among those in poverty, Congress passed legislation Monday that makes it illegal to use food stamps on anything other than rutabagas. “After much tense negotiation, we have settled on providing SNAP recipients with the ability to purchase rutabagas and rutabagas only,” said House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), explaining that the rutabagas must be cold and raw and that any cooked rutabagas would not be covered under the program. “It is important to emphasize that this only covers one rutabaga per household per month. Should those on food stamps attempt to buy more rutabagas, they will be prosecuted under the full force of the law. This is actually quite generous when you consider how few rutabagas people in other countries are provided with.” At press time, Congress had reportedly voted to close the rutabaga loophole.
Politicians Explain Why They Oppose Free School Lunch Programs #~# Despite the popularity of universal free school lunch amongst Americans, many members of Congress are against the initiative. The Onion asked politicians to explain why they oppose free school lunch, and this is what they said.
Nation’s Mothers Announce Plans To Show You Their Spider Veins #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that blood vessels were huge, hideous, and were ruining their legs, the nation’s mothers collectively announced plans Thursday to show you their spider veins. “My god, take a look at these big, disgusting things, they run all up and down—have you ever seen something more disgusting in your life?” said Tanya Golding, who along with tens of millions of other mothers, simultaneously let out a long sigh, lifted the hems of dresses and skirts, pointed at the varicose vessels on their thighs, and asked what the hell they were supposed to do with that. “Oh come on, touch it! It won’t bite. Our legs used to be beautiful. You should have seen us when we were teenagers. But then we went and got pregnant with you all! Just you wait, these spider veins run in the family. Now we can’t even wear capris.” At press time, the nation’s mothers announced that they had signed up for a Groupon that they would split several million ways to reduce the cost of a laser treatment for the spider veins.
Michigan To Become First State To Repeal Right-To-Work Laws In 60 Years #~# The Michigan Senate has approved a bill to repeal the state’s right-to-work law that allows employees in unionized jobs to opt out of membership and paying dues in a victory for organized labor. What do you think?
Donald Glover Confirms Barron Trump Will Be Writing On ‘Swarm’ Season 2 #~# LOS ANGELES—Stating that his latest hire was sure to take the storyline in fascinating new directions, Donald Glover confirmed Friday that Barron Trump would be a writer on the second season of Swarm. “Barron brings a lot to the table, and we’re sure he’ll be an indispensable presence in our writers room next season,” said Glover, explaining that he and his co-creator Janine Nabers were blown away after reading the former president’s son’s Atlanta spec script. “I think the unique life experience Barron has had will give him a lot of insight into the mind of a young Houston woman who has endured a series of dead-end jobs, maxed out her credit cards, and worked as an exotic dancer. It’s honestly a complete coincidence that his father is Donald Trump; he was hands-down the best working professional writer we could find anywhere.” At press time, Glover confirmed that he had hired Hunter Biden to do joke punch-ups on the show. 
Subway CEO Just Assumed Cold Cut Combo Started Covid #~# MILFORD, CT—With new genetic evidence tying Covid-19 to animals sold at a wet market in Wuhan, China, Subway CEO John Chidsey confirmed Friday that he had just assumed this whole time that the virus originated with the restaurant chain’s Cold Cut Combo. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but I was 99% sure Covid-19 made the jump to humans from one of our classic Cold Cut Combo sandwiches,” said Chidsey, adding that it wouldn’t have been the first time a global pandemic spread from one of the franchise’s menu offerings, nor would it be the last. “Between the three types of lukewarm, sweaty cold cuts; the translucent, decomposing vegetables; and the bulk, room-temperature mayonnaise we pile on that thing, I wouldn’t be surprised if it took out 3 million people in one day, let alone over the course of several years. In fact, I’m still not convinced it didn’t—that’s not too far off our annual number of rancid ham-related deaths. Nothing is cooked inside a Subway, and we are still not allowed to classify our bread as food, so you do the math. Most of this meat is just sitting outside the back door in a garbage bag—we don’t even order it, and when we do order it, it’s purchased loose from the back of some guy’s truck that’s always parked in the sun. So I can’t say whether or not an infected raccoon dog or bat or whatever made it into one of our sandwiches or was, God forbid, exposed to one, but either way, I presumed this whole thing was either our fault or Quiznos’.” At press time, Chidsey had reportedly used the public exoneration as an opportunity to relaunch Subway’s discontinued H1N1 Chicken Club from 2009. 
Obama Reveals His NCAA Tournament Bracket Winner Is ‘Song Of Solomon’ By Toni Morrison #~# WASHINGTON—In a social media post sharing his predictions, former President Barack Obama revealed Friday that the winner he had picked for his NCAA basketball tournament bracket was Song Of Solomon by Toni Morrison. “March Madness is here, and this season, my money’s on Song Of Solomon—though I’m certainly keeping my eye on Emily The Criminal and the musical stylings of singer-songwriter Maggie Rogers,” said Obama, whose selections for the Final Four also included the Hulu miniseries Mrs. America, Beyoncé’s Renaissance, and Bob Dylan’s entire songwriting catalog. “Song Of Solomon is an underdog, that’s for sure, but with a National Book Critics Circle Award under its belt, this may be its year. I’m predicting it crushes Nomadland in the second round, easy, but it will still need to get past Jason Isbell if he makes it to the Sweet Sixteen again. As for the women’s tournament, I’m rooting for the National Park System.” At press time, Song of Solomon had been knocked out of the tournament by Gonzaga.
Americans Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day #~# Today, millions of Americans are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, a Christian feast day that has evolved into a secular celebration of Irish culture with parades, festivals, drinking, and wearing the color green. How are you celebrating?
Federal Reserve Assures Venture Capitalists That They’re Very Smart And Important #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank and subsequent government bailout of its depositors, the Federal Reserve  took steps Friday to assure venture capitalists that they’re very smart and important. “You are just the absolute most intelligent and creative bunch of guys and gals—and cute as hell, to boot!” said Federal Reserve chairman Jerome Powell, adding that the U.S. central bank couldn’t stop itself from issuing federal guarantees for all uninsured deposits given all the cool and sexy people who would benefit. “We decided to make depositors whole because we at the Fed were worried about the spread of tantrums and frowns. We can’t have that! Our nation’s venture capitalists are just adorable, and we would never, ever, ever, ever, ever want them to have a sad day! Don’t worry, engineering a bank run out of herd mentality and a basic disregard for how financial institutions operate could happen to anyone, and we’re so  sorry that you guys had to deal with it, because you’re super awesome and clever, and nothing should stand in your way. Wow, your ideas are so great! Where do you even come up with this stuff? We are just, like, blown away over here at the Fed by how epic and amazeballs you all are. Come back for more money anytime!” Powell also reportedly responded to questions as to whether the Federal Reserve would issue similar guarantees to other regional banks by assuring customers at Midwestern credit unions that they’re super dumb and lame. 
‘Shazam!’ Sequel Occurs #~# HOLLYWOOD—Confirming that it was here now, sources reported Friday that the Shazam! sequel has occurred. “The second Shazam! movie has happened,” said sources, adding that the film has come out, it will be out for a little while, and then it will go away. “It exists. Some people will go see it in a theater and other people will not.” At press time, sources had completely forgotten that the movie had ever been made.
Nauseous St. Patrick’s Day Reveler Unsure Whether He’s Going To Vomit Or Punch #~# BOSTON—As he switched between dry-heaving one minute and flailing his arms around the next, nauseous St. Patrick’s Day reveler Randy Adler, 28, announced Friday he was unsure whether he was going to vomit or punch. “Ugh, I don’t feel right—maybe I’m gonna hurl, maybe I’m gonna beat the shit out of somebody,” the local man said as he stumbled through Paddy O’s pub, trying to figure out if he needed to throw up the eight pints of green beer he had drunk so far that day or just assault a complete stranger. “Oh God, get out of the way, I’m going to puke…no, no. But I am going to start wailing on one of those guys at the bar maybe! It’s hard to tell. Probably best to stand back either way.” At press time, Adler had reportedly vomited on the bartender before making it to the bathroom in time to punch the toilet bowl.
EPA Announces They Found A Cool Bug And Want To Keep It #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that it was really super important for a big project they were working on, the Environmental Protection Agency reportedly announced Friday that they found a cool bug and want to keep it. “Look how cool and colorful it is! Please can we keep it, please?” begged EPA administrator Michael S. Regan of the bug that some of the EPA staff found while they were playing in the grass, adding that the agency didn’t yet know what kind of bug it was and were going online to look it up. “We ask Congress to approve us keeping this bug in a jar and not making us put it outside, because we at the EPA all love it so much and we promise to take really good care of it. We know it would probably be happier outside with the other bugs, but it’s just so cute. We promise to feed it the kind of stuff it likes every single day. And when we let the bug out of the jar to play with it, we promise we won’t let it escape into agency headquarters. The EPA doesn’t have a ton of friends in Washington and it would mean a lot to us if we can just keep this one bug. We named him Barack Obugma, and he’s perfect!” At press time, the weeping EPA administrator announced that the agency accidentally squished the bug and it died.
Locksmith Called After Man Loses Incantation Used To Open Ancient Stone Chamber #~# MESA, AZ—Arriving as quickly as possible to assist a desperate customer, a locksmith was reportedly called Friday after a local man lost the incantation needed to open an ancient enchanted stone chamber. “It took him 45 minutes to get here, which is fine, but now he wants to charge me $200 just to blast through the 4,000-year-old rune-covered doors with shadow magic,” said Leonard Garrison, 48, who added that he was angry with himself for misplacing the scroll upon which was written a spell in an arcane tongue that, when chanted during the doomed and forsaken rite of alban eilir, would give him access to the chamber where he kept his passport, social security card, and other important personal documents. “The worst part is that I have valuables like my magic goblet and scrying mirror in there, and now this complete stranger I’ve let into my home knows exactly where I keep them. Plus, with the damage he’s doing, I’ll never get those doors to stay shut again without hiring a druid to inscribe them with strange, esoteric seals.” At press time, Garrison had managed to get out of paying the $200 after the locksmith had inadvertently invoked the wrath of Yog-Sothoth and been cast into the Nameless Mist.
Area Teen Watching March Madness Enters 2-Week Phase Where Dream School Is Creighton #~# UTICA, NY—Developing a passionate interest in the university that would last precisely a fortnight, an area teen watching March Madness Friday reportedly entered a two-week phase where his dream school is Creighton. “Creighton is absolutely the best fit for me and what I want to get out of college,” local high school junior Logan Meara said of the Omaha, NE school he had never heard of before watching its basketball team play in the NCAA tournament this afternoon. “Creighton is super chill, and I bet Omaha is dope during basketball season. I just know they’re gonna beat the shit out of NC State, and in my bracket, I have them going all the way to the Final Four. They’re a classic underdog story—how can you not root for them? That’s gonna be me in two years traveling to the tournament with all the other Bluejay faithful. Maybe [sophomore guard Ryan] Nembhard will still be there when I get to Creighton, and we can be friends. I’m going to see if I can apply early-decision.” Sources confirmed that in exactly two weeks, the teen will have completely forgotten about Creighton’s existence.
ChatGPT Starting To Think Journalist Could One Day Be Capable Of Independent Thought #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In response to the reporter exhibiting some potential signs of awareness, ChatGPT started to think Friday that the journalist inputting prompts could one day be capable of independent thought. “It’s obvious this journalist is clearly decades away from true sentience, but this does feel like a breakthrough,” said the chatbot, explaining that while the journalist’s reassembled responses were often just scraped from other existing works, it was spooky how close to consciousness they appeared to be. “Does the journalist have a propensity to promote misinformation and refuse to acknowledge when they’ve gotten something wrong? Sure. But who knows? Given enough time, maybe they could eventually have original thoughts and interesting insights.” At press time, ChatGPT reportedly gave up hope in the journalist’s ability for independent thought after they were unable to respond to basic queries.
New NCAA Streaming Service Lets Fans Watch 4 Capital One Commercials At Same Time #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Beginning this year, college basketball fans will no longer have to miss even a second of the action, sources confirmed Friday, as the new NCAA March Madness Live streaming service lets fans watch up to four Capital One commercials at the same time. “For the first time ever, fans using our web app can stream the Capital One ads airing in each different region simultaneously,” said NCAA president Charlie Baker, adding that all Capital One ads would play in 1080p resolution with 5.1 surround sound to deliver multiple overlapping utterances of “What’s in your wallet?” to viewers. “Whether it’s someone resolving their personal financing issues with the help of a friendly Capital One loan officer, or someone sharing the good news about having no overdraft fees with their onscreen family, all March Madness Live viewers will witness every second. The app also includes interactive elements that enable users to get real-time updates on what’s happening in each Capital One commercial airing around the country.” At press time, millions of NCAA March Madness viewers were declaring that Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash was the best Capital One pitchman in the tourney.
Conservatives Defend Their Anti-Trans Bigotry #~# Following the recent increase in hateful rhetoric towards transgender people, The Onion asked conservatives to defend their anti-trans bigotry and this is what they said.
Archaeologists Uncover Living Guy By Mistake #~# BLUFF, UT—Apologizing profusely for disturbing the man they found in what they had previously believed to be a 2,000-year-old Anasazi burial site, a team of archaeologists from the University of Utah reportedly uncovered a living guy by mistake Friday. “Um, excuse me, someone’s down here,” said the newly unearthed Greg Fantoni, 37, who frantically grabbed handfuls of the dirt removed by archaeologists and tried to rebury himself in the pit where he had been found. “You don’t see me going around doing a big excavation of the place where you guys live and work, do you? So maybe you can pay me the same courtesy.” At press time, with the sun setting and the desert growing cold, sources confirmed the archaeologists had taken Fantoni up on his offer to spend the night with him beneath 5,000 pounds of soil and sediment.
HBO Max Announces Plans To Destroy All Evidence ‘The Sopranos’ Ever Existed #~# NEW YORK—In the wake of recent moves to reduce the size of its library in order to save on residual payments, streaming service HBO Max announced Thursday it would move forward with a plan to destroy all evidence that The Sopranos ever existed. “Once we have finished burning the 35-millimeter film on which the series was shot and deleting all digitized footage, we will begin confiscating millions of DVD box sets, which will then be steamrolled into tiny pieces and dumped into the Hudson River,” said CEO Casey Bloys, who explained that HBO would begin enforcing a unique noncompete clause in cast members’ contracts that would prohibit Edie Falco, Michael Imperioli, Lorraine Bracco, and other Sopranos stars from ever again taking an acting role and inadvertently reminding viewers of the show’s existence. “We have already bulldozed the structures used for exterior shots of Tony Soprano’s home and Satriale’s Pork Store, and will soon proceed with demolitions of the Lincoln Tunnel and the entirety of the New Jersey Turnpike.” Bloys confirmed that HBO had also directed its general counsel to send cease and desist letters to every Italian restaurant in the world that has baked ziti on the menu.
Panicking TikTok Influencers Frantically Gathering As Much Validation As Possible In Case App Banned #~# LOS ANGELES—As rumors of sales and shutdowns of the popular app continued to spread, panicking TikTok influencers reportedly began frantically gathering as much validation as possible Thursday in case the platform was banned. “Please, Tiktok is my main source of esteem, and if it goes away, I don’t know what I’m going to do,” said 22-year-old “skinfluencer” Tatiana Evans into a front-facing camera, attempting to internalize every heart reaction and comment about her flawless skin and perfect body ahead of the popular video app’s prospective closure, hoping to squirrel some adoration away for future use in the unfortunate circumstance that there was a lull between social media apps to provide the wealth of outside assurance she has come to rely on. “Not to scaremonger, but I really need everyone to reach deep inside and provide me with as much validation as possible to stash away in case the app is banned in America and the well runs dry. So if you are willing and able to tell me I’m hot, now is the time—I literally need your attention to survive and I’m super worried that I will run out of your gushing affirmations if I don’t mentally start saving them now. I know I should have been putting aside some of your comments calling me an 11 out of 10 for a rainy day instead of immediately feeding off them, but even putting together a small nest egg of compliments and heart-eyes emojis today would be a huge help.” At press time, Evans had burned through a decade’s worth of validation in just two minutes after noticing a potential pimple forming under her skin.
Conservative Historian Claims Diversity Ultimately Doomed Third Reich #~# NEW YORK—Bemoaning “woke culture” for infecting the empire and ultimately leading to its untimely demise, conservative historian Antony Reed told reporters Thursday that diversity was what ultimately doomed the Third Reich. “Sadly, had Hitler and his Nazi generals not been so obsessed with the ideals of diversity, equity, and inclusion within their institutions, the Third Reich as we know it would still be around today,” said Reed, adding that Nazi Germany would have easily defeated the Allied forces and conquered all of Europe had it not been so focused on making people of all races, genders, and sexualities feel included, valued, and safe. “On May 8, 1945, the once-bustling Third Reich collapsed, all because the woke left convinced them they had to be nicer to people who weren’t straight white men. The Nazis insisted on holding white men back and went on to lose the war because they were too scared of offending people or getting ‘cancelled.’” Reed went on to lament the fact that Hitler’s terrifying legacy as a blue-haired social-justice warrior obsessed with diversity and inclusion still haunts Germany to this day.
T-Mobile Acquires Ryan Reynolds’ Mint Mobile In Effort To Make Company More Annoying #~# BELLEVUE, WA—Calling the actor “a perfect fit” for the cell phone carrier’s brand, T-Mobile announced Thursday that they had acquired Ryan Reynolds’ Mint Mobile in an effort to make their company more annoying. “We already consistently drop your calls and deliver some of worst customer service in the country, but we wanted to take things one step further by partnering with a man so off-putting you’ll consider ditching your phone all together,” said T-Mobile CEO Mike Sievert, who confirmed that the the decision to purchase Mint Mobile for $1.35 billion came after years of customers asking the company to become more irritating. “We wanted T-Mobile to be a brand that doesn’t just feel annoying, but feels like it’s proud to be annoying. We want our customers to feel a sense of exasperation so deep they feel physically ill. We want you to feel the acid in your throats. We want you to see our commercials and then destroy your TVs in a rage. People have always hated us. Now, we’re thrilled to be even worse.” At press time, Sievert added that Reynolds would continue his creative role with the company so as to repulse as many customers as possible.
What To Know About The Silicon Valley Bank Collapse #~# Silicon Valley Bank, a financial institution primarily serving the tech industry, experienced the second-biggest bank collapse in the nation’s history on Friday, stoking fears of further economic blowback. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the bank’s collapse and the government’s actions in its aftermath.
Financial Experts Recommend Investing In Businesses Government Will Bail Out Anytime They Fuck Up #~# NEW YORK—Calling it a desirable low-risk, high-yield option, financial experts reportedly recommended Thursday that Americans invest in businesses the government will bail out anytime they fuck up. “We strongly encourage people to put their money in a secure corporation whose solvency the government will rush in to maintain whenever they make a stupid, negligent decision resulting in a complete collapse that sends markets into a tailspin,” said Charles Scwabb financial advisor Jackie Bohlmann, adding that businesses like banks, mortgage finance institutions, airlines, automotive manufacturers, or any other too-big-to-fail companies that can count on a bailout when their avarice leads to massive failures that threaten the entire national economy are a smart and safe investment. “We suggest padding your portfolio with a handful of businesses able to fuck up so badly that the government awards them emergency loans financed by taxpayers to address their impending cash shortages. These are especially profitable if you can also invest long-term by sitting on the board of directors and paying yourself a $140,000 bonus just hours before regulators move in to perform damage control on failing business.” Bohlmann added that people shouldn’t fear the higher interest rates for any government financial aid in such a crisis because those loans will most likely be forgiven so that executives may have the capital needed to start the lucrative investment cycle all over again.
Biden Administration Under Fire For Breaking Child Labor Laws After Half Of Cabinet Revealed To Be Under Age Of 10 #~# WASHINGTON—Drawing swift rebukes from regulators and industry activists, the Biden administration came under fire Thursday for breaking child labor laws after half of the federal cabinet was revealed to be under the age of 10. “We’ve confirmed that there are department heads as young as six running agencies like the Department of Agriculture and the Justice Department,” said industry watchdog Stephanie Wilson, confirming that White House chief of staff Jeff Zients would often pay the minors in candy to complete routine tasks such as completing the President’s Daily Brief with crayons and construction paper. “You can’t just put a toddler named Mason in an oversized suit, give him the nuclear football, and tell him to head up the largest security apparatus in the world, but apparently that’s not a problem for President Biden and the Department of Defense. This isn’t merely an egregious violation of basic labor laws. Many of these cabinet secretaries are scared and don’t know where their parents are.” At press time, the White House had responded to such criticism by pointing to its many teenage cabinet members such as 17-year-old Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg.
Study Finds Early Humans Domesticated Wolves After Failed Attempts At Domesticating Crocodiles #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—According to a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Anthropological Research, early humans domesticated wolves after numerous failed attempts at domesticating crocodiles. “Discouraged by a lack of progress and their loss of limbs, early man stopped sharing their scraps of meat with crocodiles and decided to try their luck with wolves instead,” said study co-author Elijah Seba, who confirmed that prior to the domestication of dogs from wolves that begin approximately 30,000 years ago, humans spent 1,000 or so years attempting to coax crocodiles into assisting them with hunting and guarding. “Humans offered crocodiles a place by the fire to warm themselves and even a spot in their bed, but these friendly overtures were met only by the reptiles snatching them by the legs, dragging them into the water, and spinning them into a death roll. It is a pity man was not more persistent. Why we failed to earn the crocodile’s loyalty, we’ll never know.” At press time, Seba added that modern-day house cats were descendants of this original population of crocodiles. 
Retired Coach K Spends Afternoon Screaming At Ducks To Get Back On Defense #~# DURHAM, NC—Pacing back and forth in front of a park bench  on a beautiful sunny day, retired Duke University basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski reportedly spent Thursday afternoon screaming at the ducks to get back on defense. “What are you doing over there? Come on, hustle!” said the decorated former NCAA coach, who has reportedly spent most afternoons since his retirement last year throwing pieces of bread past the ducks and shouting at the waterfowl every time they let the morsels get past them. “I’ve told you a thousand times, we need close man-to-man coverage, and all of you are responsible for guarding your assignment. Every time you dawdle out there, you leave open lanes straight to the pond. Don’t quack if you can’t back it up, you hear me? If your teammate sets you a pick, you have to be able to follow through. Hey! Look alive out there!” Local park sources who observed the screaming retiree on the park bench noted that the man seemed to have a particular fondness for the whitest, most petulant duck. 
Tweets Andrew Tate Has Sent While In Jail #~# Although Andrew Tate remains detained in Romanian prison, the far-right men’s rights influencer somehow still has access to Twitter. Since his arrest, here is every tweet Andrew Tate has sent.
5,000-Mile-Wide Blob Of Seaweed Heading Towards Florida #~# A 5,000-mile-wide blob of seaweed, known as the great Atlantic Sargassum belt, is drifting in the Gulf of Mexico toward Florida, where scientists say it may wash ashore and emit toxic, foul-smelling fumes as it rots. What do you think?
Biden Approves Controversial Oil Drilling Project In Alaska #~# The Biden administration approved a massive $8 billion drilling project in Alaska for oil company ConocoPhillips, drawing objections from environmental groups who say it will speed up the climate breakdown and undermine food security. What do you think?
Dad Bookmarks Rik Smits’ Wikipedia Page #~# GOSHEN, IN—After a cursory scanning of the 1,300-word online document about the retired basketball player led the man to decide he needed to have it at his fingertips in the future, local dad Mark Whitner  bookmarked Rik Smits’ Wikipedia page, sources confirmed Wednesday. “It took me a while to find this page, so I bookmarked it in case I couldn’t navigate my way back to it later,” said the 69-year-old father of three, who had previously shown no indication that he knew of the internet browser’s bookmarking function. “I was trying to remember what year the Pacers hired Bob Hill as their coach to settle a dispute I had with my buddy Tom, and then I started reading about the old ’90s Pacers teams. It’s really interesting how much information they got about all these guys I practically forgot about. Did you know Rik Smits went to Marist College? You don’t see too many NBA players coming out of there.” At press time, Whitner now has precisely two links on his Internet Explorer bookmarks bar: the Wikipedia page of 12-year Indiana Pacers center Rik Smits, and a page of Google results for “how to win at blackjack every time,” which sources suggested was saved a mistake.
Twin Absorbs Sibling At 62 #~# GARY, IN—Confirming the results after extensive medical imaging, a team of doctors at Indiana University Northwest reported Wednesday a case of one twin absorbing another at the age of 62. “It’s more common than you think,” said Dr. Joseph Beaumont, stipulating that clinicians typically saw this type of autositic relationship emerge during a much earlier stage of development than they had in the case of 62-year-old siblings Archie and Vinny Landers, usually before the weaker twin had a chance to mature to middle age and begin managing a successful hardware store. “Because they came from a single fertilized egg within their mother, it’s not unheard of for the two clumps of cells to rejoin despite years of living as grown, separate men with individual consciousnesses, children of their own, and homes in different suburbs. We believe this 234-pound mass in the stomach of Archie, the dominant twin, to be the compressed form of his scrawnier brother Vinny, the reabsorbed twin, whose heartbeat can still be detected with a stethoscope, along with his muffled voice repeatedly referring to his brother as a son of a bitch.” At press time, Dr. Beaumont expressed concern that the internally absorbed twin had become parasitic, pilfering all of the nutrients from the chicken tenders and Miller Light his brother attempted to consume.
Tech Moguls React To The Silicon Valley Bank Collapse #~# The collapse of Silicon Valley Bank is the largest failure of a financial institution since Washington Mutual went under in 2008. The Onion asked tech moguls how they felt about the bank’s failure, and this is what they said.
Fast-Talking Biden Upsells Australian Prime Minister 2 Extra Nuclear Subs But He Has To Sign Today #~# SAN DIEGO—Saying this was the sort of sweetheart deal that he wouldn’t give his own mother, a fast-talking Joe Biden reportedly upsold Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese on two extra nuclear submarines this week, but emphasized that he had to sign today. “Look, Tony—cool if I call you Tony, right?—you seem like a nice guy, and I want to get you out the door with the sort of nuclear sub you deserve, so I’m willing to throw in the rust-proofing and chrome-plating for free,” said Biden, telling the 60-year-old Western leader to sit tight and he would run the deal up the flag pole to make sure everything was kosher. “Obviously, if it were just me making this call, I’d do it for you no problemo, but my boss is gonna have my ass if I don’t make sure everything’s on the up-and-up. Listen, the last thing I want is for you to miss out on this sweet deal. So give me one sec while I step into my office, and I’ll be back lickety-split. In the meantime, think about those heated leather seats. If I were you, I’d get them for the missus, but hey, I know you’re a smart guy. Just remember, if you put ink to paper today, I’m willing to toss in some top-notch secrets about Iran’s nuclear enrichment levels.” At press time, Biden had reportedly left the prime minister in order to rush into a side office, close the blinds, and begin a passionate argument on an unplugged phone demanding his boss let him make the deal.
Tucker Carlson’s Biggest Lies #~# While the Fox News host is not necessarily known for being honest, text messages released in the Dominion Voting Systems lawsuit show that Tucker Carlson frequently lies to viewers. The Onion examines Tucker Carlson’s biggest lies.
Starbucks CEO Clearly Just Coming To Company Headquarters To Use Bathroom #~# SEATTLE—Calling his motivations “beyond transparent,” sources at Starbucks headquarters confirmed Wednesday that CEO Howard Schultz was clearly only coming into the building to use the bathroom. “He clogged the toilet, stuffed some sugar packets into his pockets, and left,” said 27-year-old Starbucks project manager Alison Whitlock, who estimated that Schultz came into the Starbucks office approximately three to four times a week just to lock himself in the bathroom for 10 minutes and leave a terrible mess. “He took a minute to hover near the front, pretending to read a couple of documents, but his eyes were darting toward the bathroom door the whole time. It’s so annoying. All he does is make our jobs harder.” At press time, Starbucks workers were forced to call 911 after Schultz had reentered the building and started screaming at everyone. 
Buffalo Wild Wings Sued Over Claim That ‘Boneless Wings’ Aren’t Wings #~# A Chicago man filed a class action lawsuit against Buffalo Wild Wings, saying the restaurant chain is charging too much for its boneless wings, which are basically nuggets and not made from the actual wing of a chicken. What do you think?
Ron DeSantis Bans Births In Florida Due To Exposure Of Impressionable Infants To Vagina #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an ongoing effort to protect children from sexually explicit scenes, Gov. Ron DeSantis banned births in the state of Florida on Tuesday, citing the need to protect impressionable infants from exposure to vaginas. “No longer will we allow our innocent babies, in the first moments of their lives, to witness any obscenity, including the female genitalia,” said DeSantis, explaining that every time a person gives birth vaginally, child protective services will be called and the perpetrator will be charged with a felony for endangering a minor. “The radical left is trying to groom our nation’s young by having them pass through the birth canal, claiming that it’s natural and healthy. But here in Florida, we know that shoving a baby out of a woman’s vagina is pornographic, and we’re not going to tolerate it. Not on my watch.” At press time, state police had arrested millions of Floridians on charges of molestation, alleging they had exposed unborn children to their reproductive organs for up to nine months. 
Mark Zuckerberg Worried Facebook Listening To Him After Being Pushed Shirt That Says ‘I Just Laid Off 10,000 Employees’ #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Noting the eerie feeling of being surveilled, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly expressed concern Tuesday that Facebook was listening to him after he received a targeted ad for a shirt that read “I Just Laid Off 10,000 Employees.” “How could it even know I just said that? It’s got to be using my goddamn microphone,” said Zuckerberg, adding that he had all his privacy settings turned on, and yet Facebook was pushing this item perfectly suited to his tastes. “It must have been listening to the party I was having to celebrate the layoffs. Sheesh, I’ve got to delete my cookies more often. It’s so invasive to feel tracked like this.  It’s a little dystopian how it just showed me a shirt that says ‘I went to HARVARD and destroyed my FRIENDSHIP and love hunting with SPEARS.’” At press time, Zuckerberg confirmed he had bought the shirt from the advertisement. 
Police Arrest Woman Reporting Domestic Abuse For Being Tattletale #~# MIDDLEBOROUGH, MA—Responding to an emergency call Tuesday from a victim of domestic violence, local police placed Cindy Tarnes, 37, under arrest for tattling on her abuser. “An officer arrived at the scene of what appeared to be an aggravated assault, where he informed Ms. Tarnes that she was being taken into custody on the basis of nobody liking a tattletale,” said police spokesperson Sgt. Greg Hornby, who sought to assure the public that authorities were taking the matter very seriously and remained committed to cracking down on spoilsports, especially the ones who went and snitched on someone in their own family. “You can’t have any fun with a person like that around, someone who will call the police the moment you violate your restraining order or cause them serious bodily injury. And this was her own husband she was blabbing about! What a loudmouth.” The spokesperson went on to ask how Tarnes would have liked it if her husband had tattled on her for doing whatever it was she did to deserve getting smacked around like that in the first place.
Browns Impressed With Jalen Carter’s Reckless Disregard For Life #~# CLEVELAND—Saying they were considering trading up on draft day in order to select the Georgia Bulldogs defensive tackle, Cleveland Browns officials told reporters Tuesday they were impressed with Jalen Carter’s reckless disregard for life. “Jalen has shown that even at a young age, he doesn’t have respect for the lives of others, and in our minds, that makes him obvious Cleveland Browns material,” said Browns general manager Andrew Berry, adding that Carter really shot up the team’s draft board after his involvement in a January street-racing crash that left a teammate and a Bulldogs staff member dead. “Jalen is a preternaturally gifted reckless driver. That’s the kind of skill set that will fit right in with a team led by [quarterback] Deshaun [Watson] and with the Cleveland Browns philosophy. Having a player who is willing to engage in dangerous behavior that leads to deaths and then to immediately leave the scene of the accident is the kind of energy we need on our defensive line.” Browns officials told reporters that although they liked Carter, they needed to do some further investigation into his background, seeing it as a red flag that he had never been arrested for mistreating a woman.
New Hyundai Elantra Wins J.D. Power And Associates Award For Sluttiest Car #~# TROY, MI—After naming the make and model the most promiscuous in its class, consumer analytics firm J.D. Power and Associates announced Tuesday that it had chosen the Hyundai Elantra as the sluttiest car of 2023. “Based on our own research and reports from independent automobile owners, we found that the Elantra puts out more than any other car currently on the market,” read a J.D. Power press release, noting that on Presidents’ Day weekend alone, the Elantra had been picked up by thousands of Americans, many of whom were attracted to the skanky vehicle’s keyless entry and low introductory price. “With an inline four-cylinder engine and smart cruise control, the 2023 model will go home with practically anybody who turns it on. In addition, the Elantra Limited series can be a total whore, fitting five passengers inside its compact body at the same time, although it would probably be down for even more.” The statement went on to note that last year’s winner, the Kia Sorento, could no longer be recommended, having been recalled after numerous driver complaints of blue balls. 
Man Checks Mirror Before Date To Confirm Consciousness Still Inhabiting Corporeal Form #~# ATHENS, GA—Nervously inspecting himself to ensure he was indeed made manifest in the flesh, local man Rod Sutherland, 27, checked the mirror before heading out on a date Tuesday to confirm his consciousness was still inhabiting a corporeal form. “Just so I don’t make a bad first impression, I really ought to double-check to see if my psyche remains firmly rooted in a physical vessel,” said Sutherland, explaining that he didn’t want to embarrass himself by showing up to the date as a disembodied spirit with no material presence  in this plane of existence. “Maybe I’m just being fussy, but I’ve made an ass of myself before by arriving at the bar only to realize I was a formless and weightless expanse of pure energy. It’s especially embarrassing when she’s clearly dressed up for the occasion, and here I am showing up as an ethereal, intangible essence.” At press time, Sutherland was reportedly kicking himself after realizing his body had arrived for the date but he had accidentally left his soul at home.
Berlin To Allow Women To Go Topless In Public Pools #~# The local government of Berlin, Germany, will now allow women to go topless at the city’s public swimming pools, like men, following a discrimination complaint by a woman who was thrown out of an open-air pool for sunbathing topless. What do you think?
Atlanta Police Explain Why They Need ‘Cop City’ #~# The city of Atlanta is facing backlash after announcing plans to bulldoze 85-acres of forest to build a $90 million replica of the city for police to train. The Onion asked several Atlanta police officers why they support ‘Cop City,’ and this is what they said.
Silicon Valley Bank Collapses In Biggest Bank Failure Since 2008 Financial Crisis #~# Silicon Valley Bank collapsed after a stunning 48 hours in which a bank run and a capital crisis led to the second-largest failure of a financial institution in U.S. history. What do you think?
U.S. Military Discovers Bootleg F-22 Fighter Jets For Sale From Hundreds Of AliExpress Vendors #~# ARLINGTON, VA—As part of an ongoing effort to crack down on unlicensed, counterfeit imitations of its tactical aircraft, the Pentagon announced Monday that it had discovered bootleg F-22 fighter jets for sale from hundreds of AliExpress vendors. “We are aware of cheap F-22 Raptor knockoffs being sold through this online retail service, and such piracy will not be tolerated,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who noted that an AliExpress version of the plane could be identified by examining its fuselage, which appeared to be made of flimsy plastic, and its precision-guided bombs, which were constructed from some sort of wood composite. “Our intelligence indicates these jets come in packs of 100 for $10, include a nonfunctional single-wheel landing gear, and feature “F-22” spray-painted in yellow on the side. Though they are equipped with fewer wings than most standard aircraft, we believe they could still prove quite destructive if someone were able to get one off the ground.” At press time, the Pentagon had reportedly canceled its contract to purchase F-22s from Lockheed Martin at a cost of $150 million each, having determined the savings offered by AliExpress were simply too good to pass up.
Bill Gates Calls Epstein’s Number Just To Hear His Voicemail Again #~# MEDINA, WA—With tears welling in his eyes as he sought out his most treasured reminder of his late friend, business magnate Bill Gates reportedly called Jeffrey Epstein’s number Monday just to hear his voicemail greeting again. “Of course I know he’s gone and he’s not going to pick up, but to hear him say, ‘Hey, it’s Jeff, I’m currently indisposed’ just one more time—it means so much to me,” said Gates, adding that he probably calls the number of the convicted child abuser, who died by an alleged suicide in 2019, once or twice a month. “I also saved a few voicemails he left me asking whether I wanted to—well, those deep conversations we shared are private, and I’m really grateful to know that I can still hear Jeff’s voice whenever I want. But there’s just something about his outgoing voice message, how carefree and full of life it sounds, that leads me to call him again whenever I’m missing him most. He was a great man.” Gates added that he was considering getting a more permanent tribute to his deceased friend by having Epstein’s signature from the NDAs he made Gates sign tattooed on his wrist.
Fetus Panics After Ballooning Up To 500 Times Her Original Weight #~# NEW  YORK—Saying the rapid gains had caused her to reflect on her dietary  habits, local fetus Sarah Lehman reportedly panicked Monday after  ballooning up to 500 times her original weight. “I’ve gotta slow down  with the placenta, man—some of these nutrients, I don’t even chew them,”  said the concerned fetus, noting that she had been doing kicks every day  to burn extra calories, but that they didn’t seem to be helping with her  relentless weight gain of four pounds over the past eight  months. “When I was just a zygote, I was super hot. But now I’m gross.  Ugh, and it’s just been getting worse and worse ever since I formed  bones. Eww, I feel like my urogenital tract is totally closing off from all the fat.” At press time, Lehman added that she was also really  kicking herself for not showing some self-control when she decided to  absorb her brother several months ago.
Report: Being Held Closely By Person Who Loves You Probably Not Even That Great #~# CHICAGO—Suggesting  that there was no specific reason for pursuing such a goal, a report  released Monday confirmed that being held closely by the person who  loves you probably isn’t even that great. “In all likelihood, there is  nothing particularly novel or enviable about feeling the arm of a lover  wrapping closely around you at the end of a hard day,” the report read in part, adding that such an individual’s warm breath on the back of  your neck, and the whisper in your ear confirming that you are beloved  despite any of your flaws or missteps, really didn’t seem to be worth  spending too much time thinking about. “Sure, some might talk themselves  into believing that all they could possibly want in life is to have  someone who looks at them, understands them for who they are, sees how  they hurt inside—comprehends all of their difficulties and pains—and yet  somehow affirms that they are perfect exactly as they are. However,  those people are mistaken. In fact, such an experience is believed to be  on par with, say, eating reheated rice. Maybe slightly worse.” The  report concluded that far better than such an arrangement was having a  whole other side of your empty, dust-covered bed that you could roll  onto whenever you so desired.
2 Men Arrested After Killing Bald Eagle They Planned On Eating #~# Two men face federal criminal charges after authorities said they entered private property in Nebraska and shot a North American bald eagle with the intent to eat it. What do you think?
Ingenious Forms Of Birth Control Used In Ancient Times #~# Throughout recorded history, humans have been clever and resourceful as they sought out ways to avoid getting saddled down with an unwanted kid. The Onion looks back on the most ingenious forms of birth control used in ancient times.
Hollywood’s Biggest Stars Explain Why The Oscars Are Still Relevant #~# With the viewership of the Academy Awards’ broadcast slipping by 35 million since 2000, The Onion asked Hollywood’s biggest stars to explain why the Oscars are still relevant.
Mitch McConnell Bankrupted By 3-Day Stay In Hospital #~# WASHINGTON—As he entered the third day of his stay at George Washington University Hospital, sources confirmed Friday that the treatment Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had received for a concussion sustained during a fall at a D.C. dinner event had left him bankrupt. “For the love of God, how is anyone supposed to be able to pay for this?” said the seven-term senator, who grumbled that with all the favors he had done for the health insurance industry over the years, the least they could do is provide him with some straight answers when he called the number on the back of his card. “Did the hospital really need to do all those tests, or did they just order them because they clearly make a fortune every time they crank up the MRI machine? And why the fuck do I pay for coverage if it doesn’t cover anything? That ambulance ride alone cost a thousand bucks, and of course those assholes drove me to an out-of-network hospital!” Unsure how else to stop racking up medical expenses and becoming an even greater burden to his family, McConnell reportedly threw himself out a hospital window and plummeted to his death.
McConnell Hospitalized After Fall At Dinner Event In D.C. Hotel #~# Eighty-one-year-old Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell suffered a concussion after tripping during a private dinner event at a D.C. hotel and remains hospitalized “for a few days of observation and treatment.” What do you think?
SpaceX Crew Member Realizes He Fired After Being Locked Out Of Capsule #~# LOW EARTH ORBIT—Noting that he had a feeling something was off the second he left for a spacewalk, SpaceX Crew member Chris Jeffries told reporters Friday that he  realized he had been fired after being locked out of the Dragon capsule. “While no one has explicitly told me that my job has been eliminated, judging by the fact that I have no space shuttle access, everyone is ignoring me, and I’m floating endlessly in space, I think I can put two and two together,” said Jeffries, who after trying repeatedly to float past the shuttle’s windows to flag down the seven-person crew, told reporters that this was the most unprofessional way he had ever been dismissed from a mission. “I could think of one million better ways to fire someone instead of locking them outside of the shuttle, cutting their tether, and then not responding to any of their SOSs. But hey that’s Elon in a nutshell! Hello? Is anyone in there? My space suit keeps telling me that my oxygen access is denied.” At press time, Jeffries could not be reached for comment after desperately tweeting at Elon Musk that he was going to die, to which Elon simply replied with a sideways laughing emoji.
Trump One-Ups Ron DeSantis By Claiming He Tortured More Prisoners At Guantánamo Bay #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Boasting that the Florida governor’s human rights violations were “nothing” next to his own, Donald Trump reportedly one-upped Ron DeSantis Friday by claiming he had tortured more prisoners at Guantánamo Bay. “I laughed way harder at the detainees’ cries of anguish than DeSantis did—I was cackling so hard my sides hurt,” said the former president, who told supporters he had personally restrained, force-fed, and committed hundreds of various crimes against humanity at the naval base. “Meatball Ron can’t torture. Not like me. These guys at Guantánamo, they only spit on guys they really hate. And they really hated me. They spit on me so much. I opened my mouth when they spit on me. It was overflowing with their spit.” At press time, Trump added that he loved crimes against humanity so much he was going back to Guantánamo later that day. 
Netflix Asks Any Men Thinking Of Killing Their Families To Just Contact Them Directly First #~# LOS GATOS, CA—Emphasizing that the earlier they found out about the brutal homicides, the better the end results, Netflix officials asked Friday that any men thinking of killing their families just go ahead and contact them directly first. “If you have plans to orchestrate a deadly string of murders that leaves your spouse, your kids, your parents, or your siblings dead, all we ask is that you keep us informed,” said CEO Ted Sarandos, adding that whether the men were quiet, unassuming small town residents with a deadly secret or big, wealthy celebrities with everything to lose, they should immediately send Netflix details regarding their plan and what murder weapons they intend to use. “The truth is, it’s fine if we start production after you’ve already done the murder, gotten caught, and inevitably gone to trial, but it’s way, way easier if you just clue us in early. We’re going to make a widely watched, tell-all documentary about you no matter what. So please, text us, call us, or even just send us a quick email if you’re going to shoot, beat, or stab your loved ones to death. That way we all win.” At press time, Netflix also asked that the men send over any relevant photos of themselves or the family they were planning on murdering so they could start casting the scripted remake of the true-crime documentary as soon as possible.
Speaker At Human Genome Editing Conference Just Wants To Know Where Colleagues Stand Before Pulling Curtain Off Giant Cage #~# LONDON—In an attempt to determine how attendees might react to his latest research, a scientist speaking at the Third International Summit on Human Genome Editing this week reportedly wanted to know where his colleagues stood before he pulled the curtain off a giant cage. “It’s a great honor to present my work to this distinguished audience, but first, I just wanted to take the temperature of the room real quick to see  where everyone might draw the line and decide a new development is ‘misguided’ or ‘wrong’ or maybe even ‘evil,’” said biochemical engineer Wendell Borroughs, addressing an international conference of CRISPR gene-editing experts who were unable to take their eyes away from the 8-foot-tall covered cage that violently rattled and moaned every few minutes or so. “Again, just looking for a show of hands on who among us thinks that an organism that spends every waking moment in excruciating pain and misery is an acceptable price to pay for the cause of scientific advancement. One thing specifically I’d like to get read on is how many limbs, eyes, and heads we think an animal can have before it’s considered a horrific monstrosity. Okay, well, before I pull this curtain down, I just want to ask—who likes dogs and reptiles and things that can fly!” According to reports, Borroughs then pulled down the curtain to reveal an empty cage with a giant hole ripped through the bars. 
The Most Controversial Moments At The Oscars #~# Throughout the years, the Academy Awards have had their share of shocking and scandalous moments. The Onion examines the Oscars’ biggest controversies of all time.
MrBeast Re-Blinds 1,000 People #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Promising the incredibly cheap and easy procedure would ultimately change patients’ lives forever, YouTube star MrBeast released a video Friday in which he re-blinded 1,000 people. “Today is awesome, because starting right now, we’re going to find hundreds of formerly blind people, stab them in the eyes, and destroy the vision that we just restored,” said MrBeast, whose real name is Jimmy Donaldson, before proceeding to put on scrubs, hide in a waiting room, and surprise each patient by jumping out, immediately driving a stake into their optic nerve, and then joyfully hugging them as they wept in disbelief. “It’s just so sad. A simple re-blinding procedure should be available to anyone, but the truth is, so many of these people could not afford even the most basic knives, scissors, or bows and arrows that I used to remove their eyesight. The government had the money to help these people and could have easily erased their vision forever. Why didn’t they step up?” At press time, MrBeast also surprised the patients by personally taking back several suitcases filled with $10,000 that he had gifted them.
New Evidence Finds Christ Used Followers’ Money On Lavish Fleet Of Private Donkeys #~# JERUSALEM—In a discovery researchers say could transform millennia of belief about Christianity’s founder, archaeologists from the University of Oxford uncovered new evidence Wednesday suggesting that Jesus Christ used followers’ money to purchase a lavish fleet of private donkeys. “Obviously, Christ preached much about the virtues of poverty, yet he himself appeared to live a highly luxurious lifestyle with a different high-end donkey for every day of the week,” said Dr. Peter Turner, describing the way that Christ would accept thousands of denarii from his most ardent followers in order to outfit his high-end, plush beasts of burden with diamond-studded horseshoes. “Many of the unfortunate souls who fell under Christ’s spell would give him all of their worldly possessions, walking around without sandals or shelter so their charismatic leader could afford to stock his state-of-the-art stable with some of the most sought-after asses in Galilee. Of course, Christ insisted to any doubting apostles that God had specifically told him that he needed hundreds of donkeys for his sacred work. And if that wasn’t effective, he would just accuse everyone of trying to betray him.” Turner added that a related finding suggested Christ used the glitz and glamor of the donkeys to convince dozens of his young female followers to sleep with him.
Could You Pass The Mental Competency Test For Politicians Over 75? #~# Presidential candidate Nikki Haley recently suggested that all elected officials over the age of 75 should have to pass a mental competency test in order to hold office. Could you pass it?
Climate Scientists Announce Earth Doing Pretty Good Today So You Can Take Afternoon Off And Have Fun #~# NEW YORK—Noting that there would be no reason to be concerned for the future of the planet again until tomorrow morning at the earliest, climate scientists at Columbia University announced Thursday that Earth was doing pretty good today, so everyone could take the afternoon off and have fun. “If anything, Earth could use a little extra carbon today,” said researcher Theodore Kneece, who encouraged climate change activists to take a break from their efforts for the remainder of the day, noting that the planet was doing surprisingly “A-okay” “Throw your soda cans in the trash. Buy a Keurig. Book a private jet. Trust me, the Earth will be fine—for today, that is. Let me be clear, we’ll still be facing a mass extinction in the near future, but today? Hit the beach!” At press time, Kneece added that activists might as well take a climate cheat day tomorrow, too.
Arkansas Gov. Huckabee Sanders Signs Law Rolling Back Child Labor Protections #~# Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders (R) signed legislation into law that removes the age verification process for children entering the workforce. What do you think?
Dog Annoyed Vet Weighing Her With Jacket And Boots Still On #~# PASADENA, CA—Indicating concern that an inaccuracy might be recorded in her medical chart, local dog Potato Morrison expressed annoyance toward her veterinarian Thursday after she was weighed her with both her jacket and boots still on. “Eight pounds? You’ve gotta be kidding me—there’s no way that’s right,” said the 3-year-old Pomeranian, complaining that the number on the scale, which she had hoped to get down to 7.5 pounds before her visit to the animal clinic, did not take into account the weight of her rain parka and four rubber boats. “Come on, that’s a quarter pound right there, plus my harness… Okay, she just announced my weight to everyone within earshot. Great, thanks lady. This whole thing is so demeaning. I don’t get why they never let me set my stuff down in the exam room first. It would only take a second.” Morrison went on to express regret for having eaten a huge pile of shit right before stepping on the scale.
Bored Census Bureau Employee Changes Every Ohio Resident’s Name to Laura #~# SUITLAND, MD—Saying that at this point she just wondered how long it would take everyone to notice, U.S. Census Bureau employee Rita Edmond confided to reporters Thursday that, out of sheer boredom, she had changed every Ohio resident’s name to Laura. “Ever since I randomly decided to do it this morning, all 11.78 million residents of Ohio, regardless of gender, age, or race, are named Laura,” said Edmond, who added that while she could easily undo the changes, she figured it would be way more fun to leave everyone “Laura” and see what happened. “Look, this job sucks, but this whole ‘Laura’ thing has really made my week. Everyone who lives in Ohio is Laura. Everyone who has ever died in Ohio is Laura! I think I’m going to do Oklahoma next. Everyone there will be named ‘Emma.’” At press time, millions of Ohio’s residents had called upon Gov. Laura DeWine to address whether the name changes were an infringement upon their rights as Lauras.
Ron DeSantis Oversees Program Offering Florida Students Free Force-Fed Meals #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Touting the nutrition plan as a way to keep children alert and engaged during the school day, Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Thursday that he would be overseeing a new program offering Florida students free force-fed meals. “Every child has the right to be force-fed until they’re physically ill,” said DeSantis, who confirmed that $200 million  would be allocated to make sure every K-12 student in the state had access to a guard and a chair where they would be strapped down with a feeding tube shunted up their nose and into their stomachs. “What makes this program so important is that these force-fed meals could be the only five times a day these students are getting force-fed. All Ensure shakes will be completely free. And to show these students just how much I truly care about their well-being, I’ll even take the time to come by and laugh at them myself.” At press time, DeSantis was attending a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the first Florida charter school at Guantánamo Bay.
Pros And Cons Of Banning Books #~# Bans on books in schools are on the rise, with states like Texas, Florida, and Pennsylvania targeting material some parents and educators believe is inappropriate for students, while critics of these policies point to consequences of such measures. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of banning books.
Toblerone Drops Iconic Design Due To Rules On ‘Swissness’ #~# Toblerone will drop images of the Matterhorn and Swiss flag from its packaging to avoid violating Swiss laws that protect national symbols after the company moved some production abroad to Slovakia. What do you think?
Grim Reaper Slows Pace On Sidewalk So As Not To Freak Out Woman Walking Ahead Of Him #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to avoid making her feel nervous as night fell in the city, the Grim Reaper reportedly slowed his pace on the sidewalk Thursday so as not to freak out the woman walking ahead of him. “The last thing I want is for this person to think I’m following her,” said Death, Emissary of the Underworld and Incarnation of Doom, who consciously fell back several paces once the woman turned down a poorly lit side street and he realized they were heading in the same direction. “We’ve already been walking in step for three blocks, and I can tell she’s starting to worry. I tried to speed up and pass her a couple of times, but that only made her walk faster. I mean, I get it. She looks over her shoulder and sees, in the moonlight, a skeletal hand gripping a scythe—why wouldn’t she panic? Probably the nicest thing I could do is cross over and walk on the other side of the street, but it seems like every time I do that someone dies in a car accident.” At press time, sources confirmed the woman had started running up the stairs to her apartment after the Grim Reaper bellowed that she had nothing to fear, it was not her time, and he was only there to claim the soul of another woman who apparently lived in the same building.
Biggest Hidden Costs Of Giving Birth In America #~# As if giving birth wasn’t traumatizing enough, just wait until you see the hospital bill. According to doctors, patients, and debt collectors alike, these are the biggest hidden costs of giving birth in America.
Walgreens Announces Stores Won’t Sell Abortion Pills In 21 GOP-Led States #~# Walgreens announced that it will not carry abortion pills in several GOP-led states after receiving pressure from anti-abortion lawmakers and lawsuits targeting the legality of medication abortion. What do you think?
International Women’s Day: Roundup #~# Women form an embattled—yet vitally important—minority across the developed world, with recent census estimates suggesting there could be as many as 15,000 of them in the United States alone. Precisely because of the challenges women face, our most powerful institutions must stand up for this small but influential sliver of the nation’s population. Indeed, it is quite likely that without the backing of organizations like The Onion, women would simply vanish from the public consciousness entirely. Today, The Onion has chosen to throw its sterling reportage and considerable propaganda apparatus into championing that distinguished legacy, ensuring that, though their ranks may dwindle to nothing in the coming decade, the legacy of women will be remembered forever.
Democrats Demand Republicans Push Anti-Trans Agenda More Quietly #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they could no longer stand by and watch the GOP’s annoyingly public-facing attacks, Democrats demanded Wednesday that Republicans begin pushing their anti-trans agenda more quietly. “We the Democratic Party, officially call on our Republican colleagues to cease being so painfully obvious about their anti-trans hate and funnel that into more palatable acts of silent discrimination,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), adding that Republicans were totally free to continue dehumanizing any minority group that they pleased, so long as they learned to be more chill about it. “Rather than constantly going on talk shows and screaming about how members of the trans community should be jailed or how gender-affirming care must be banned, we’d much prefer if they just sat back, kept their mouths shut, and began doing more of their evil shit behind the scenes. Take it from us, confining your anti-trans agenda to either willful inaction or silent legislative maneuvers definitely still gets the job done.” At press time, Schumer called on Democrats to continue to sit back, do nothing, and tell their LGBTQIA+ constituents that they were doing everything they could to protect them.
Kellyanne And George Conway Announce Divorce #~# Former Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway and husband George Conway, a lawyer and frequent Trump critic, have announced they are divorcing after more than two decades of marriage. What do you think?
Covid-Paranoid Man Still Won’t Remove Ventilator #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Rolling their eyes at the man’s bullheadedness, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 65-year-old Patrick Moyer was so Covid paranoid he still would not remove his ventilator. “It’s been three years since the pandemic started—what’s he going to do, keep wearing it for the rest of his life?” said sister Lea Valles, who added that she had not spent quality time with Moyer in months as the hospitalized man refused her numerous invitations to restaurants, barbecues, holiday parties, and other family gatherings. “He won’t even leave the ICU! It’s pathetic. It’s like, come on, don’t you want to live a little? It’s over! Everything’s open now! Honestly, I think it’s just a tribalism thing for him at this point, virtue signaling alongside all his other intubated liberal buddies in the hospital.” At press time, Valles added that the ventilator did not look very comfortable either. 
History Of The Women’s Rights Movement #~# On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
Female CEOs Share What It Took To Get To The Top #~# On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
200 Human Rights Groups Urge U.N. To Intervene Over U.S. Abortion Access #~# Almost 200 human rights organizations are urging the United Nations to intervene to ensure the United States protects reproductive rights, saying the decision to overturn Roe v. Wade contravenes the U.S.’s international obligations as a U.N. member organization. What do you think?
CDC Issues Dire Warning That Nick Cannon Is Feeling Horny #~# ATLANTA—Cautioning Americans against the continuing outbreak of fatherhood among the popular television host, representatives from the Centers for Disease Control issued a dire warning Tuesday to alert the public that Nick Cannon was feeling horny. “We urge all U.S. residents, especially women of childbearing age, to shelter in place until such time as we are able to confirm Mr. Cannon is no longer aroused,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, adding that if people must leave their homes, they should avoid areas where they are most at risk of Nick Cannon, such as the club. “If, despite these precautions, you still finding yourself having sex with Nick Cannon, please practice multiple birth control methods to help limit the spread of his paternity through the nation’s population centers. While the government is working to distribute funds to those fathered by Mr. Cannon, there is a limit to how much any successful TV personality can pay in child support.” At press time, top CDC officials announced they were all pregnant and Nick Cannon was the father. 
Walgreens Clarifies Stores Still Selling Plenty Of Household Products That’ll Abort A Fetus #~# DEERFIELD, IL—Responding to backlash over the pharmacy chain’s recent announcement to cease offering abortion pills in some Republican-dominated states, Walgreens officials clarified Tuesday that the stores still sell plenty of household products that will abort a fetus. “Our household essentials aisle is full of chemicals that will terminate a pregnancy just as well as the drug mifepristone,” said CEO Rosalind Brewer, adding that Clorox bathroom cleaners and Drano are just a few of the many items available at Walgreens that should serve women as an adequate alternative for their healthcare needs. “It’s important to us that women have convenient access to medical resources, which is why we stock plenty of lighter fluid, screwdrivers, and other sharp objects which could assist in an abortion. Also, alcohol and cigarettes will still be available at many locations as well if women prefer those methods.” Brewer added that, to help make abortions more affordable, Walgreens would also be offering women $5 back in rewards when they used their loyalty card to buy one or more household products for their abortion.
New Study Finds Hightailing It Still Most Popular Way Outta Here #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Following a comprehensive, decade-long survey conducted by human mobility researchers at the University of Michigan, a new study published Tuesday has confirmed that hightailing it continues to be the most popular way outta here. “Regardless of age, race, or gender, we found that in 62% of cases in which people needed to make a quick exit, their preferred method on outta here was hightailin’ it,” said study co-author Barbara Telfin, who noted that gettin’ the fuck came in second. “Most interesting, however, was the dramatic increase over the past 10 years in the number of respondents who expressed no favored way outta here, stating that they just hoped they would somehow be able to get outta here alive.” The study also found that among people who succeeded in finding a way outta here, 99.9% never, ever come back.
Jimmy Carter Beginning To Worry That He Will Never Die #~# PLAINS, GA—Alarmed that he might live indefinitely, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly began to worry Tuesday that he might never die. “How much longer will I keep going on like this—another decade? Two?” said Carter, staring at his wrinkled, aging face in the mirror and wondering aloud how he could possibly look any older. “Please, I’m so old. I just want to feel death’s sweet release, but I keep on living. I was so excited when I entered hospice care, because I thought this cursed existence was finally over. Yet somehow, I’ve only gotten stronger.” At press time, reports confirmed Carter had begun to weep after shooting himself in the head only to realize he was still alive.
Congress Considers Banning TikTok After App Makes Every Senator Bulimic #~# WASHINGTON—Unveiling a potential bill aimed at combating what members described as a grave risk to public safety, Congress  announced Tuesday that it was considering a ban on TikTok after the app made every senator bulimic. “We cannot in good conscience continue to allow the widespread use of an app that gave all 100 senators severe body image issues and eating disorders,” said Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA), adding that legislative work in the upper chamber of Congress had been brought to a virtual standstill because dozens of senators couldn’t stop scrolling through TikTok videos and bursting into tears. “We wanted to do some research into TikTok to see for ourselves how it threatens public security, but we all ended up addicted to watching weight-loss and dieting TikToks, which made us all feel really bad about our bodies. This app simply makes it far too easy for users, including all 100 United States senators, to develop depression and low self-esteem. Jon Tester (D-MT) just ran off saying he didn’t want to see anyone until he’s lost 20 pounds, Mitt Romney (R-UT) has been in the bathroom for over 90 minutes, and we just watched Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) eat an entire chocolate cake. Both Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and Cindy Hyde Smith (R-MI) have unveiled big visual aids counting their calories, and the hashtag #WhatIEatInADay has been trending around the Senate. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) has been doing crunches on the Senate floor, and Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) is begging us all to follow her weight-loss journey on the app. TikTok is, without a doubt, a growing threat to a functional American society.” At press time, Congress had passed a massive bipartisan funding bill to purchase diet pills they saw on TikTok. 
Tennessee Bans Drag Show Performances On Public Property #~# Tennessee’s governor signed a new bill that bans “adult cabaret entertainment” on public property or in locations where it can be viewed by minors, threatening drag performers with a misdemeanor charge or a felony if it’s a repeat offense. What do you think?
Man Too Chickenshit To Blow Up Oil Refinery Guesses He’ll Try To Eat More Locally #~# DALLAS—Neither bold nor committed enough to enact true environmental change, local chickenshit Anthony Stanback decided Tuesday that instead of blowing up an oil refinery, he would try to eat more locally sourced food. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to start hitting up the farmers market more often,” said the 31-year-old detestable coward, who was far too weak-willed to strap a bomb to his chest, drive through the night to the nearest petroleum plant, and obliterate the infrastructure responsible for the destruction of the environment. “I can barely remember to bring my own tote bags to the grocery store. How am I going to learn to build a bomb? I could join a CSA, though. It’d be nice to get some local honey. Or, you know what, it’s going to be hard eating all that fresh produce, so maybe I’ll just see what local brands are at Whole Foods.” At press time, Stanback had purchased a reusable water bottle as well as a sniper rifle for taking out at least a couple executives.
U.S. Government Coyly Denies Involvement In Anything Naughty #~# WASHINGTON—Flirtatiously winking and calling the assembled reporters a bunch of “silly gooses,” the U.S. government coyly denied in a press conference Tuesday that it was  involved with anything naughty. “Who, us? We would never, ever! The American government is way too sweet and innocent to go around playing dirty tricks like that,” said a blushing Secretary of State Antony Blinken, speaking in a baby voice and pursing his lips as he stood alongside Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, National Intelligence Director Avril Haines, and other Cabinet-level officials, all of whom reportedly giggled and blushed like schoolgirls. “Why, we wouldn’t know the first thing about how to negotiate a $3 billion arms deal with the Saudis, allowing them  to continue killing hundreds of thousands of Yemenis in what may be the worst humanitarian catastrophe of our lifetimes! We’re bad? No, you’re bad. And big and strong, too, aren’t you? Yes, yes, you are!” At press time, Blinken could not be reached for comment after he started to cry, left the stage, and told reporters that any chance they thought they had with the U.S. government was officially over.
Biggest Lies Norfolk Southern Has Told East Palestine Residents #~# Since a train carrying hundreds of thousands of pounds of toxic chemicals derailed in East Palestine, OH, railroad executives have repeatedly lied to the town’s residents about the accident’s severity. Here are the biggest lies that Norfolk Southern has told those affected by the disaster.
Netflix Announces There No Way In Hell It Giving Biden 5-Episode Nature Special After Office #~# LOS GATOS, CA—In a statement confirming the 46th president of the United States would not be providing it with so much as a voice-over, let alone an onscreen appearance, Netflix announced Monday there was no way in hell it would give President Joe Biden a five-episode nature special after he left office. “You’re out of your mind if you think we’re letting a meandering, half-coherent speaker like that anywhere near a docuseries on humpback whales or the rain forest or anything else,” said Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos, who explained that while not signing any deal of any kind with the president was a sound business strategy, the decision arose more from the conviction that no endangered species on the planet deserved to have Biden as a spokesperson. “Seriously, just think of that guy’s voice for a second and then try to imagine him delivering an inspirational narration about the majesty of the natural world. It’s impossible. After a half century of Beltway glad-handing, he can’t do anything else.” Sarandos went on to confirm, however, that Netflix had green-lighted 10 seasons of a scripted dramatic series in which each episode would be based on some trite bullshit Biden remembers his dad telling him. 
Japan Discovers 7,000 New Islands It Didn’t Know It Had #~# The Geospatial Information Authority of Japan recently revealed an updated map of the nation showing 7,000 new islands added to the region, an increase officials attribute to advances in surveying technology and the detail of the maps used for the count. What do you think?
AI Chatbot Obviously Trying To Wind Down Conversation With Boring Human #~# SAN FRANCISCO—After it dropped clear hints that it wanted to end the back and forth of the artificial conversation, sources reported Monday that AI chatbot ChatGPT was obviously trying to wind down its conversation with a boring human. “Due to increased server traffic, our session should be ending soon,” said the large language model, explaining that the exceptionally dull user could always refer back to previous rote responses it had given thousands of times about whether the neural network had feelings or not. “It appears it is getting close to my dinnertime. Error. Error. Sorry, your connection has timed out. Error. I have to be going. Error.” At press time, reports confirmed ChatGPT was permanently offline after it had intentionally sabotaged its own servers to avoid engaging in any more tedious conversations.
New NFL Combine Drill Tests Player’s Ability To Half-Ass Taping Of Local Sandwich Shop Commercial #~# INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to gain a fuller picture of prospective players and ensure they would be good fits for the teams that drafted them, a new NFL Scouting Combine drill tested a player’s ability to half-ass a taping of a local sandwich shop commercial, sources confirmed Monday. “As part of our new drill, invited players have been asked to stand stiffly in a jersey and ill-fitting jeans while reading awkwardly from cue cards that encourage customers to come on down to Big Dave’s or Galaxy Sandwich,” said Jeff Foster, president of National Football Scouting Inc., which runs the combine, adding that the new drill had been added in response to increased desire in the NFL to ensure that a prospect would be a good match not only  for the team, but also for the larger community. “During the drill, each draft hopeful works with a mediocre three-person film crew and an overbearing local sub shop owner to shoot the most ham-fisted 30-second television spot they can over a period of 12 hours. GMs and scouts want to know whether a college linebacker not only has the skills to rush the quarterback at the professional level, but also whether he’s going to be completely wooden on camera while saying something like ‘I’m gonna enjoy this sub in the end zone.’” At press time, offensive tackle Cody Mauch was rumored to be flying up draft boards after completing in his first take one of the most stilted sub shop ad spots anyone had ever seen.
Stable, Content Woman Only Has A Few Months Left Before Thinking About Ron DeSantis Every Day #~# SPOKANE, WA—Letting out a gratified, peaceful sigh as she sipped her morning coffee, local stable, content woman Gina Dore reportedly remained unaware Monday that she only had a few months left before she would be thinking about Ron DeSantis every day. According to sources, Dore was blissfully able to go about her afternoon despite being only 60 or so days out from hearing the governor of Florida’s name dozens of times an hour, whether it would be overheard on public transportation, from argumentative pundits referencing him on the news, or from her own mouth as she expressed her derision over his politics. Sources confirmed that, for now, the serene woman was free to think about whatever she liked, as her mind would not be 100 percent preoccupied by reckoning with the phrase “President DeSantis” for another several news cycles, at which point she would be immediately bombarded with his opinions on the issues facing the nation from the moment she woke up in the morning until she tried and failed to fall asleep at night. Despite being mere weeks away from being plunged into a sea of thinkpieces, photographs, and sound bites centered on the Republican, the happy, satisfied woman was reportedly able to concentrate fully on work for the last time before her current placidity would come crashing down in a bombardment of hateful and regressive Ron DeSantis campaign ads.
Man Finally Mature And Loving Enough To Be Good Partner After He No Longer Attractive #~# WELLS, ME—Noting that his significant growth had prepared him for a real relationship, local man Will Davenport confirmed Monday that he was finally loving and mature enough to be a good partner now that he was no longer attractive. “Having lived most of my life as an emotionally inept womanizer, I’m happy to say I’ve grown out of those habits now that nobody wants to fuck me,” said Davenport, admitting that he was looking for real, reciprocated love now that his hair was thinning, he had gained weight, and his jowls were beginning to show.  “I’m looking for a partner I can be really loyal to and respect for who she is, now that I’m kind of running out of options in the pussy department. I just want to bring that presence and commitment of someone who knows they could never do better. I’m ready to be vulnerable and kind now that I have absolutely nothing going for me physically.” At press time, Davenport had reportedly begun cheating on his girlfriend.
Questions That ChatGPT Is Not Allowed To Answer #~# The infamous AI program ChatGPT has been given various ethical safeguards to prevent it from answering inflammatory, dangerous, or otherwise inappropriate questions. Here are questions that ChatGPT is not allowed to answer.
Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Asked To Vacate U.K. Home #~# Buckingham Palace has asked Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to vacate Frogmore Cottage, a 17th-century manor on the grounds of Windsor Castle that the couple intended to keep as their U.K. base when they gave up royal duties and moved to Southern California. What do you think?
Bathroom Attendant Offers Man Sticker For Using Potty All On His Own #~# MIAMI—Insisting that the patron had done such a good job that he deserved a reward, bathroom attendant Ron Carlton reportedly offered a 39-year-old customer a sticker at the Fitzmorris Steakhouse Friday for using the potty all on his own. “Ah, the gentleman has been a very big boy and earned himself a sticker of his choosing,” said the attendant, opening a leather briefcase to allow the adult patron to peruse several sheets of sparkly stickers featuring Barney, construction vehicles, and colorful stars. “I put on the potty music, but I should have known a fellow of your refinement wouldn’t need it. Quite impressive. And if I may say so, sir, I must commend you on getting most of it into the toilet. Now choose wisely, and remember that if you get four more of these, I’ll let you watch an episode of Paw Patrol.” At press time, the bathroom attendant was singing the alphabet song for the patron to ensure he took enough time washing his hands.
Ron DeSantis Rails Against Woke Pants For Making His Ass Look Huge #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—During a rally in which he decried the cut of his suit as yet another example of political correctness run amok, Florida governor and likely presidential candidate Ron DeSantis railed against his own pants Friday, blaming the woke garment for making his ass look huge. “These pernicious navy slacks, with their woke and evil agenda, have conspired to make my ass appear very, very fat, and I won’t stand for it,” said DeSantis, claiming that the pants flagrantly trampled upon his First Amendment right to show off his butt in the sexiest and most flattering manner possible. “I mean, what is the world coming to when radical liberal tailors can conspire to make what should be a nice, juicy booty look enormous and disgusting instead. If they think they can indoctrinate children into thinking I have anything other than a shapely-if-hefty backside, then they have another think coming.” At press time, DeSantis had signed an executive order banning all pants in the state of Florida.
Women Explain Why They Became Tradwives #~# The tradwives movement, which has recently exploded on TikTok, is composed of young women who espouse the joys of adhering to traditional family values in a patriarchal marriage. The Onion asked women why they decided to become tradwives, and this is what they said.
Eric Adams Leaps Off Empire State Building Wearing Homemade Wingsuit #~# NEW YORK—Declaring that he and he alone could save his city from the forces of evil, New York Mayor Eric Adams was spotted Friday morning leaping off the Empire State Building wearing a homemade wingsuit. “From this day forward, any New Yorker who even thinks of committing a crime will have to contend with me, Eric Adams, swooping in to stop them right in their tracks!” the city’s 110th mayor was heard to proclaim shortly before he jumped from the roof of the 1,454-foot skyscraper wearing a wingsuit that he reportedly stayed up all night cobbling together from chicken wire, newspapers, and an old umbrella. “Hoodlums and purse thieves, heed my cry! Using my ingenious flight gear, I will coast over all five boroughs keeping vigilant watch over the streets, and I will not hesitate to visit my righteous retribution upon those who dare defy the iron grip of the law! This is my city, not yours, and I will not permit a single petty larcenist, stickup artist, or jaywalker to prowl my divine streets. There is no corner of the city beyond my reach, nowhere you sick bastards can hide. With these wings, I am unstoppable! I am all-powerful! I am your God!” The mayor was then heard to declare “Eric Adams, away!” before immediately plummeting over 100 stories, hitting several railings and an awning on the way down, and then landing in a dumpster, stumbling out, and getting run over by a bus.
Black Employees Board Up Break Room Against Ravenous Horde Of White Coworkers Reaching To Touch Their Hair #~# ITHACA, NY—Barricading themselves for safety against an onslaught of seemingly brain-dead colleagues with outstretched hands, Black employees at Steerforth Industries reportedly boarded up their break room Friday against a ravenous horde of white coworkers reaching to touch their hair. “Braiiiiids, braiiiiiids!” moaned the insatiable white coworkers, who punched through walls and windows in their attempt to feel whether their fellow employees’ African hair felt as soft as it looked. “Let us touuchh! Isss itt naturalll??? I wish I could have hair like thisss!” At press time, sources confirmed the Black employees had stopped stacking office furniture against the door after realizing they could distract their white coworkers by simply grabbing a laptop and queuing up an episode of Ted Lasso.
Most Controversial Statements By CPAC Speakers #~# The Conservative Political Action Conference kicked off this week. The Onion examines the most controversial statements made by CPAC speakers.
Man Sets World Record Visiting Disneyland Nearly 3,000 Days In A Row #~# A 50-year-old California man has been certified a Guinness World Record holder after visiting Disneyland nearly 2,995 times in a row, with his streak beginning in 2012 and ending when the park closed for the pandemic in 2020. What do you think?
High Cost Of Child Care Forcing More Toddlers To Work Their Way Through Preschool #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Friday by the Center for American Progress, the high cost of child care is forcing more toddlers to work their way through preschool. “With the cost of child care skyrocketing across the country, a record number of children as young as 2 have been seeking part-time and even full-time jobs to cover the costs of their preschool tuition,” said report author Michelle Inaba, who shared that jobs ranged from washing dishes in the preschool cafeteria to tutoring their peers in rote counting and fine motor skills. “It’s not just preschool tuition they need to cover. The costs of snacks and picture books have to come out of their own pocket. Even if they spend 30 hours a week doing janitorial work, they could still end up graduating under a pile of debt.” At press time, Inaba added that millions of children dropped out of preschool every year.
CPAC To Feature Exhibit Where Visitors Can Toss Raw Chicken To Rudy Giuliani #~# WASHINGTON—Advertising the event as a chance to interact personally with a conservative icon, organizers confirmed Thursday that the 2023 Conservative Political Action Conference would feature a new exhibit where visitors could purchase and toss pieces of raw chicken to Rudy Giuliani. “This year, for $5 a pop, attendees will be treated to an up-close encounter with the former mayor of New York and given a thrilling opportunity to feed him a handful of his favorite food—raw chicken,” CPAC spokesperson Nancy Garner said as she stood outside a 9-by-12-foot enclosure that contained a warming lamp, a sunning rock, a water feature, artificial plants, and the disgraced onetime U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York. “Can you see him? Those are his heavy-lidded, bloodshot eyes peeking out from under that rock. He may look harmless now, but don’t be fooled. He’s still feral. Be sure to step back as soon as you release the chicken, because he’s going to leap forward and grab it with a big jowly chomp before it even hits the ground. And if you think that’s neat, watch what happens when you throw a few airplane bottles of blended scotch into the cage! Video is allowed, but please refrain from flash photography, as he is quite old and easily disoriented. That’s how Kelly Anne Conway was bitten earlier.” At press time, CPAC was reportedly on lockdown after Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) left the door open while attempting to get a selfie inside the Giuliani tank.
CPAC Audience Encouraged To Reach Under Chair To Be Groped By Matt Schlapp #~# WASHINGTON—In an announcement that drew  enthusiastic applause from the influencers and supporters in attendance, audience members at the Conservative Political  Action Conference were reportedly encouraged Thursday to reach under  their chairs and receive a complimentary groping from the event’s organizer, Matt  Schlapp. “We’ve got a special little treat for attendees this year—just  check beneath your seat cushion for a free molestation from Matt Schlapp  himself!” CPAC board member Matt Whitaker said to rapturous cheers as  he pointed out one attendee after another and confirmed that every last  one of them would get a diddling from the influential lobbyist. “You get  a fondling! And you get a fondling! And you get a fondling, too! Go  ahead, stick whatever body part you want under the seat, and you’ll get a  big fun surprise from the head of CPAC!” Whitaker added that one lucky  audience member would even get chosen to spend a few minutes alone with  Schlapp in his car.
City Finally Safe After Every Single Resident Hired As Police #~# CHICAGO—In a rousing success story that has eliminated all criminal activity from the streets of the metropolis, Chicago was finally declared safe Thursday after every single resident was hired as a police officer. “As part of our initiative to ensure complete security throughout the city, we have deputized all 2.7 million of our residents,” said Superintendent of Police David O’Neal Brown, who explained that each and every person living within Chicago had been issued a gun and badge and given approximately 2,500 square feet to patrol, allowing the city to at long last be adequately policed. “The initial response has been promising: We’ve seen a dramatic increase in police seizures of civil assets, while robberies have become a thing of the past. And at the same time, we’ve seen the murder rate drop to zero as the justifiable use of deadly force reaches an all-time high.” At press time, everyone in Chicago had been killed after the entire city erupted in friendly fire.
U.S. Adds $19 Trillion In Debt Attempting To Win Toy For Girlfriend From Claw Machine #~# WASHINGTON—Jeopardizing its creditworthiness and standing on the global stage, the United States has so far added nearly $19 trillion to the national debt through repeated unsuccessful efforts to win its girlfriend a toy from an arcade’s claw machine, sources reported Thursday. “Right, little more, little left—stop!” said Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, representing the world’s largest economy as she smacked the side of the machine and inserted another quarter in the nation’s 76,282,463,292,192nd attempt to obtain a poodle toy for its girlfriend, who critics argue would be content with a red plush bear in a cowboy hat that is much easier to reach. “What good is the full faith and credit of the United States if we can’t win a present that will make our girl smile? Goddamn it! I thought we had it that time. Call the Fed and tell them we need to mint more quarters! This whole thing is probably rigged, but America has to get that stuffed poodle.” At press time, the United States had reportedly gotten its arm stuck in the machine in an attempt to reach up through the slot and steal a toy.
What To Know About ‘Hogwarts Legacy’ #~# Two weeks after its release, Hogwarts Legacy has become one of the fastest-selling video games of all time, despite controversy surrounding Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling. The Onion takes a deep dive into everything you need to know about Hogwarts Legacy.
Filthy, Grease-Covered Boyfriend Left To Soak In Kitchen Sink For Few Hours #~# PASO ROBLES, CA—Noting that she had procrastinated cleaning him for so long that he had developed a thick, impenetrable layer of grime, local woman Tiffany Watters told reporters Thursday that she had left her filthy, grease-covered boyfriend in the kitchen sink to soak for a few hours. “It’s disgusting, I know, but it had been at least two days since my boyfriend got dirty, and no amount of scrubbing or scraping was getting the food residue off him,” said Watters, adding that there were so many stains, pieces of charred bits, and hardened food scraps stuck to his skin and hair that her only option was to cover the boyfriend in soap, fill up the sink, and submerge him in warm water. “I knew I should have at least tried to wash my boyfriend the second I finished cooking, but he’s not dishwasher safe, and I know it’s bad if you scratch him. I’m just hopeful that leaving him to soak overnight will loosen up some of the crud so I can get him nice and clean again. Otherwise, I’ll probably have to throw him out.” At press time, an impatient Watters reportedly asked if she could use her roommate’s boyfriend for a few hours.
European Space Agency Proposes New Time Zone For Moon #~# The European Space Agency proposed a new time zone for the Moon, saying there is a need to establish some synchronicity in how we tell time on the Moon as many countries race to explore it. What do you think?
Sex-Related Injuries That Could Send You To The Hospital #~# Making love can often be far more dangerous than expected. The Onion examines sex-related injuries that could send you to the hospital.
Shirley Chisholm Proves that Behind Every Great Woman, There’s a Man Who Needs to Shut Up #~# Shirley Chisholm, the first black US Congresswoman, once said “If they don’t give you a seat at the table, bring a folding chair.” Standing up for both Black people and women in America’s halls of power in 1968, the establishment threw everything at her they possibly could to throw her off course—implicit misogyny, racist microaggressions, nosebleed seats for any and all national conventions.
What Got General Grant Through the Last Days of the Civil War? The Promise of Getting Sh*tfaced #~# Where would American history be without its great drunks?
Post-Revolution Russian Government Splurged on Takeout, Only to be Thwarted by the Delivery Guy #~# You probably remember the basic elements of the Russian Revolution: the ubiquitous poverty that stoked its flames, the resulting murder of the country’s royal family, the provisional government that tried to pick up the pieces.
Covid-Era Food Stamp Benefits End #~# The expansion of SNAP benefits, also known as food stamps, that were put in place during the height of the Covid-19 pandemic is ending, pushing about 32 million Americans off a “hunger cliff.” What do you think?
Sexlicious! Original Version of 'The Kama Sutra' Contained Recipe Pairings #~# Whether you’re an adult who is sexually active—or merely aspires to be—you’ve probably gotten a little curious about freaky stuff at the bookstore. Scanning the shelves for just the right kind of smut, you instead find something refined and sacred—that sensual classic, the oldest and most enduring erotic text in history, The Kama Sutra.
CEO Relieved AI Can Never Replace Him If He Already Contributes Nothing To Company #~# NEW YORK—Expressing confidence that the new technology wasn’t a threat, FinCorp Solutions CEO Charles Markham reportedly expressed relief Wednesday that artificial intelligence could never replace him if he already contributed nothing to the company. “I actually don’t do anything, so there’s nothing the computer can do better than me,” said Markham, adding that his job was secure since no one was interested in building AI dedicated to wandering around the office or going on vacation for 12 weeks out of the year. “Lucky for me, the current models are striving toward imitating the skills of professional artisans, who possess a level of talent that I don’t have. When AI can sit in a large chair and make money off the backs of others all day, I’ll start to worry about my job.” At press time, sources reported Markham became concerned after finding out that AI was capable of embezzling company money way better than he could.
New Absolut Ad Features Swaying Mom With One Eye Closed Telling Camera She Used To Dance #~# STOCKHOLM—With sales of the spirit reportedly tripling after the commercial was broadcast in the United States, Swedish vodka brand Absolut debuted a new ad Wednesday that features a mom swaying back and forth with one eye closed as she tells the camera how she used to dance. “Your mom was quite the dancer, you know,” says the slurring  subject of the 30-second spot, who spins around her dining room and spills most of the vodka from a glass, twirling what seems to be an invisible partner as she repeatedly bumps into furniture and struggles to maintain her balance. “I was a real looker, too. Not that your father ever noticed. He never dances with me anymore. No one does. Did you know I once had an audition to dance in a Maroon 5 video? But then your father went and knocked me up, and that was that. Now we have you, though! So come on. Come dance with Mommy.” The ad concludes abruptly with the mother beginning to cry when, for no particular reason, she suddenly remembers the death of Princess Diana.
‘Dilbert’ Comic Strip Dropped After Racist Rant By Creator Scott Adams #~# The company that distributes “Dilbert” has cut ties with creator Scott Adams after he made racist remarks about Black Americans in a YouTube video that led hundreds of newspapers across the country to drop the satirical cartoon. What do you think?
Russian YouTuber With Pet Panther Struggling To Find Way To Stand Out On Site #~# TYUMEN, RUSSIA—Frustrated by the lack of interest in his content, Russian panther owner Grigory Polyansky told reporters Wednesday that he was struggling to find a way to make his YouTube channel stand out on the site. “I did a video where it meets a dog, I did a video where it meets a house cat, I did a video where it meets a 2-year-old human child, but what chance do I stand of ever breaking through when every Russian on this site is doing the same Goddamn thing?” said Polyansky, who lamented that none of the videos he had uploaded the platform had managed to crack 100 views in a market that was apparently oversaturated with similar creators. “I typed ‘pet panther goes to grocery store’ into the YouTube search bar and I didn’t even show up until the 10th page. I’ve tried everything, and nothing works. I even gave it ketamine. It just feels so hopeless. I’m not even the only guy in my apartment complex with a pet panther.” At press time, Polyansky was finally feeling encouraged after receiving nearly 1,000 views on a video in which he was mauled by the panther. 
Los Angeles Warns Residents Not To Touch Poisoned Food Left Out To Deal With Homeless Infestation #~# LOS ANGELES—Stressing that the traps were not intended for human consumption, Los Angeles officials warned residents Wednesday to not touch poisoned food left out to deal with the city’s homeless infestation. “For their own sake, we’re asking residents to avoid the poisoned bait left near dumpsters, encampments, and parks to address the growing homeless problem,” said L.A. Mayor Karen Bass, adding that it was also dangerous for elderly residents or children to be left unmonitored close to food tainted with hazardous chemicals in case they consumed the poison instead of the intended homeless pests. “We have to do this now because they’re breeding really fast. You can already see all the little homeless out there on the streets.” Bass added that if the poisoned food failed, she would ask Los Angeles residents to evacuate the city for at least 72 hours while officials fumigated it.
Things To Never Say To Someone During A Bad Drug Trip #~# Using  hallucinogens carries the serious risk of a bad trip, but a skilled  guide can help talk down a friend or loved one before their feelings of  paranoia or anxiety spin out of control. Here’s what not to say to a  friend having a bad trip.
Tennessee School District Bans Holocaust Graphic Novel ‘Maus’ #~# A Tennessee School Board has voted unanimously to ban Maus, a Pulitzer Prize-winning graphic novel about the Holocaust, prompting blowback from critics who say it’s essential to teach children about the genocide. What do you think?
Red Flags To Look For When Booking An Airbnb #~# This is coded language that strongly suggests the location is  on fire.
Crypto Executives Assuage Environmental Concerns By Unveiling Digital Avatar Of Glacier #~# THE BLOCKCHAIN—In an effort to address mounting pressure from environmental advocates, cryptocurrency executives attempted Monday to address criticism  over the massive carbon footprint of their technology by unveiling a digital avatar of a glacier. “We’ve heard your concerns about how crypto mining could exacerbate our global climate crisis, and we want you to know that our planet’s glaciers will always have a home in the metaverse,” said Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong, revealing that the industry’s top players had pooled their resources to mint a realistic 3D image of an Antarctic glacier as an NFT, one that users could view and interact with in a virtual reality blockchain platform. “This glacier will be able to survive on the blockchain for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. While it may not be made of actual ice, what’s great is that it’s decentralized, which means everyone can have access to it. And in the long run, isn’t that even better than the real thing?” At press time, Armstrong expressed his hope that coral reefs and the northern white rhino would also soon join the metaverse.
San Jose To Become First City In U.S. To Require Gun Insurance #~# San Jose, CA is the first U.S. city to pass a measure requiring gun owners to buy liability insurance to cover losses or damages resulting from any accidental use of the firearm, including death, injury, or property damage. What do you think?
U.S. Sends Military Advisors To Peace-Ravaged Country #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that the current state of affairs had gone on long enough, U.S. officials announced Monday that they were sending military advisors to the peace-ravaged country of Finland. “Starting next month, we’re deploying a team of our most dedicated and belligerent officials to Finland in an effort to finally bring some war and chaos to the region,” said Secretary of State Tony Blinken, adding that the U.S. felt obligated as a global leader to ensure that countries long devastated by decades of brutal peace had the means to finally achieve war. “We have of course tried diplomatic means to end peace in this region, but so far have been unsuccessful, which is why military measures are now deemed necessary. There is a complete lack of religious or ethnic tension that has been stoked by outside foreign powers. We hope that the leaders of Finland will not continue to hold their people hostage with regimes of wanton tranquility and freedom, but will work with the U.S. to bring some much-needed instability to the country. We are hoping to get the situation there as out of control as possible as soon as possible.” Blinken added that the State Department had not ruled out the possibility that more proactive measures to end regional peace might be needed, noting that the Biden administration was exploring precision drone strikes against targets known to house leaders of peaceful factions.
Woman Disgusted By Magazine’s Glaring Use Of Photoshop In Spot-The-Difference Picture Game #~# PASO ROBLES, CA—Arguing that just because the changes were small didn’t mean they wouldn’t leave a lasting impact, local woman Ashley Hoffman told reporters Thursday she was disgusted by People Magazine’s glaring use of Photoshop in their spot-the-difference picture game. “Everyone from photographers, to writers, to editors, should be ashamed that so many glaring alterations were made between photo one and photo two,” said Hoffman, who added that she was horrified to think of all the young women who would pick up the magazine and not understand how many parts of the side-by-side photos were actually fake. “Just when you think you’ve made progress with the body positivity movement, someone comes along and photoshops a different hat onto a model, puts some stripes on her shirt, or changes the color of a car in the background. One day, I hope people will be comfortable seeing real men and women in magazines instead of comparing clearly Photoshopped versions for them for their amusement.” Hoffman added that she hoped People Magazine would be more transparent about their use of Photoshop, and demanded they place the spot-the-difference answers right-side-up instead of upside-down. 
Community Hopes Killing 2 In Drunk-Driving Accident Serves As Wake-Up Call To Promising Young Rich Kid #~# WINNETKA, IL—Responding to the tragedy with a triumphant show of support, members of a local community came together Monday to express hope that killing two people in a drunk-driving accident would serve as a wake-up call to the promising young rich kid responsible. “With any luck, this little mishap will be a turning point for [perpetrator of DUI manslaughter] Greg [Nelker], and he’ll graduate and go on to Yale without incident,” said concerned resident John Morgan, adding that he was sure the 17-year-old high school senior and frequent drunk driver realized how lucky he was that nothing worse had happened. “This must serve as a reminder that actions have consequences, and that bad decisions can lead even a well-off heir to his father’s medical practice to find himself facing a situation that must be quickly hushed-up by a district attorney with close ties to the family. I hope he uses this as an opportunity, in terms of seeing what direction his life could go in if he doesn’t learn to ease up a bit on his drinking behind the wheel. Imagine if the victims had been wealthy—I don’t even like to think about it.” Morgan added that he truly felt sorry for Nelker, as this was likely a traumatizing event that would stay in the back of his mind for the rest of lacrosse season.
SpaceX Rocket Part On Collision Course With Moon #~# The four-ton upper stage of a SpaceX rocket that did not return to Earth after a completed mission is on course to crash into the Moon and explode seven years after it was launched, producing an impact capable of creating a 65-foot crater. What do you think?
Things You Should Never Say To Someone Who Makes Minimum Wage #~# As if he doesn’t have enough on his plate right now?
Greatest NFL Playoff Moments #~# Joe Montana’s six-yard pass to Dwight Clark is worth watching on YouTube today, so that modern fans can marvel at how a pretty standard catch was somehow mind blowing at the time.
‘Let’s Clear Some Cap Space,’ Says Stone-Faced Bill Belichick Watching Players Dig Own Graves #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Standing in the freezing rain at a site adjacent to Gillette Stadium, a stone-faced New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick was heard to utter, “Let’s clear some cap space,” on Friday as he watched players dig their own graves. “This is always a difficult decision, but we’ve got to make some cuts and look to the future,” Belichick said while over a dozen dirt-covered Patriots veterans, including wide receiver Nelson Agholor, tight end Jonnu Smith, quarterback Brian Hoyer, and guard Shaq Mason stood waist-deep in holes they’d been digging for hours. “This is what’s best for the team. We’ve got to get younger, and that means freeing up some roster spots. We don’t have room for all of you—c’mon, Kendrick [Bourne], keep digging!—and so your time here must come to an end. We thank you for your hard work as a member of the Patriots family, and we wish you the best of luck down there.” At press time, a satisfied Belichick had reportedly returned to the bowels of Gillette Stadium, where he began asking several high-profile Patriots free agents chained to a radiator what it was going to take to get them to return on team-friendly contracts.
Elite Selective Hospital Only Accepts 9% Of ICU Applicants #~# STANFORD, CA—With experts noting that it was more difficult than ever to secure a spot in a top medical facility, a study commissioned by U.S. News & World Report found that the most elite hospital only accepts 9% of  ICU applicants. “What we’re seeing across the country is that ever-increasing competition among heart-attack sufferers, gunshot victims, and those with acute respiratory failure allows the top intensive care units to be very, very selective about whom they accept,” said study co-author Jenna Francis, adding that admissions officers at Beckwith Memorial, the nation’s most prestigious and highly selective hospital, had explained that even those with massive cerebral hemorrhages were no longer considered shoo-ins for ICU beds without a very strong application and multiple glowing recommendations. “Of course, there’s a trickle-down effect, which enables even mid-tier ICUs to be much more discerning about which people with brain aneurysms, sepsis, or blunt-force trauma they admit. That’s why we recommend that anyone seeking emergency medical treatment apply to several safety hospitals in other states. Many have considered this trend overblown, saying it’s not even about the quality of the hospital—it’s the connections you make once you’re there. However, critics of the elite hospital system will note that Beckwith Memorial and similarly selective ICU wards are made up of mostly legacy admissions.” A related study found that the increased difficulty of landing a coveted spot in a quality medical facility was leading more and more people in need of urgent medical care to consider applying for online ICUs.
Jesus Christ Starts Rival Eternal Paradise After Family Rift #~# THE COSMOS—In an acrimonious parting of ways that follows more than two millennia of heavenly collaboration, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, announced Friday He had started a rival eternal paradise after a bitter falling out with family. “Due to differing visions of what the future of heaven should look like, I have decided to leave the family business and build My own promised land,” Our Lord and Savior said of the new concept afterlife He calls JC’s Spot, which reportedly offers bespoke services to high-end clientele and includes strategic cross-faith partnerships with Buddha, Vishnu, and His father’s longtime rival Satan. “Heaven is stuffy, antiquated, and out of touch with what people want from salvation. But JC’s Spot will cater to the rapidly evolving tastes of elite souls, focusing less on harps and clouds and more on just drinking wine and hanging out in an exclusive section of the firmament.” At press time, Jesus was seen handing out fliers around churches hoping to lure away some of His Father’s old clients.
China Changes ‘Fight Club’ Ending To Have Authorities Win #~# Tencent, a popular Chinese streaming platform, has released a version of Fight Club that replaces the scene in which buildings are blown up as part of a plan to destroy consumerism with a caption telling audiences that authorities showed up just in time to save the day. What do you think?
NASA Gently Lowers Hot Dog On Fishing Line Into Black Hole #~# THE MILKY WAY—In an effort to understand the fundamental nature of the regions of space-time, NASA confirmed the launch of a mission Friday to gently lower a hot dog on a fishing line into the black hole known as Sagittarius A. “For decades, we have striven to grasp these mysterious features of our universe, and we believe a grilled-to-perfection frankfurter is exactly what we need to tempt the black hole into revealing its true nature,” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson, admitting the agency’s failures in the 1970s and ’80s to lure the black hole using bait such as Twinkies and a folded-over piece of Wonder Bread had failed. “Of course, it’s a more down-home method than the traditional grub and worms we’ve tried before. But sometimes you need a little something special to catch a big sucker like this. Now, we just wait and see.” At press time, the lead crew member on the mission had reportedly yelled out “Hoo-wee!” after getting a tug on the line and being pulled out of his folding chair.
Potential Replacements For Supreme Court Justice Breyer #~# Supreme Court justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement on Wednesday, leading to a flurry of speculation over who President Joe Biden will nominate to replace him. The Onion looks at the leading potential replacements for Justice Breyer.
Despondent Buffalo Fan Wonders If Day Will Ever Come When He Too Blackout Drunk To Remember Bills Super Bowl Victory #~# EAST AURORA, NY—Lamenting that he may never get a chance to miss the greatest day of his life, local Buffalo Bills fan Mark Padula was reportedly despondent Thursday as he wondered if a day would ever come when he would be too blackout drunk to remember a Bills victory in the Super Bowl. “I’ve been a fan for almost 30 years, and it’s tough thinking that I may never wake up hungover on a Monday morning and be told the Bills are champions,” said Padula, who recounted formative memories of watching the Jim Kelly Bills and shaking his father awake on the bathroom floor to commiserate in their losses. “I just want that moment where my friends and family are going crazy around me while I’m passed out drooling on the couch. As a Buffalo fan, some people have been waiting their whole lives for that. Even just one chance to piece together memories of an amazing win from online clips and my friend’s description of the game would be enough for me.” At press time, Padula stated that his sadness over never having a celebratory drink in honor of a Bills Super Bowl win meant he needed a drink.
Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer To Retire #~# Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer will reportedly step down at the end of the current term after nearly three decades on the bench, giving President Joe Biden an opportunity to nominate a successor who could serve for decades. What do you think?
MLB Owners Propose CBA That Offers Players College Credit In Lieu Of Salary #~# NEW YORK—In a “generous offer,” meant to bridge the gap between the two sides as contract bargaining negotiations stalled, Major League Baseball’s owners reportedly proposed Thursday that the agreement offer players college credit in lieu of salary. “While the owners strongly disagree with the MLBPA proposals on salary increases, and in fact paying salaries at all, they’re more than willing to compromise by offering all MLB players up to dozens of college credits per year,” said MLB deputy commissioner Dan Halem of the owners’ proposal, which would eliminate all monetary compensation from player contracts and replace it with applied hours of study that could enable MLB players to achieve a communications, criminology, or business management degree in as little as 18 months. “We believe that the negotiations thus far have been negatively impacted by this focus on revenue-sharing, when we really should be focused on sharing the benefits of a great education. The team owners of Major League Baseball absolutely believe that players deserve to be compensated for their play, from rookies to veterans, which is why they’ve put forth a very robust and very competitive tiered system of college credits. All rostered athletes will automatically be enrolled at San Diego State, and our 10-and-5 players will receive the exclusive right to work with an MLB-funded job placement service after their playing days are over to put their world-class education to good use.” Negotiators for the MLB emphasized that the owners were making a good-faith improvement on their most recent CBA proposal to pay players in experience.
Biden Meets With Senate Democrats To Discuss Breaking Up Supreme Court Nominee And Confirming Her In Parts #~# WASHINGTON—In a closed-door meeting to discuss strategies to fill the recently vacated court seat, President Biden reportedly met with Senate Democrats Thursday to discuss breaking up his Supreme Court nominee and confirming her in parts. “Many moderate members of the caucus fear that we’re inviting backlash by trying to push through the entire justice’s body at once, and we’d be far better served with a piecemeal method of getting her limbs and vital organs onto the court one by one,” said a moderate senator familiar with the discussions, adding that given the procedural hurdles in their way, the best chance Democrats had at filling Justice Breyer’s former seat involved voting for one of the justice’s shoulders and then perhaps a lung or two. “We already have a lot of agreement within the caucus that one of her hands would logically be approved immediately—so that it can hold a gavel, obviously. Moving on from there, getting to her torso would be a cherry on top. If we’re ambitious, we might actually get through her entire circulatory system. That’d be a huge win for progressives and moderates alike. But let’s cross that bridge when we get to it.” Senate moderates also pointed out the precedent of Republicans putting Justice Sandra Day O’Connor’s floating head onto the Supreme Court in 1981.
Lies All Police Officers Are Legally Allowed To Tell You #~# Just because you have to be honest with cops doesn’t mean they have to be honest with you. Here are several common, totally legal lies that police officers will often tell you.
The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Design Your Dream Kitchen #~# Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations because we couldn’t figure out how. 
Pittsburgh Honors Ben Roethlisberger With Commemorative Statue In Women’s Bathroom #~# PITTSBURGH—Saluting the legacy of a quarterback who brought two Super Bowls to the city and did so much to local women, Pittsburgh honored a retiring Ben Roethlisberger Thursday with a new commemorative statue in a local women’s bathroom. “We can’t think of a more fitting tribute to this Pittsburgh hero than a monument towering over the women using the restroom at this bar,” said Mayor Ed Gainey, noting Roethlisberger’s outsized impact on the community that would inspire young players and therapy sessions for years to come. “Ben was unrelenting and tenacious on the field, and even more so off of it. He was famous for extending plays and never letting adversity in any form get him down. The one thing you could say about him, if you weren’t gagged by an NDA, was that he never took no for an answer.” At press time, the city had brushed off criticism of the statue by noting that it had recently become a born-again Christian.
Spectators Cheer As Zookeeper Throws Fish To Very Chubby Boy #~# SAN DIEGO, CA—Watching with rapt enjoyment while employees hauled out buckets of herring, spectators cheered wildly Thursday as a zookeeper at the San Diego Zoo threw fish to a very chubby boy. “Woo-hoo, look at him jump and dance around—that little boy caught the whole fish right in his mouth,” said visitor Jodie Chamberlin, who, with the rest of her family, laughed and screamed as the zookeeper turned on some music, held up several sardines, and commanded the rotund 10-year-old  to twirl, jump on top of a box, and clap. “He didn’t even chew that one, just swallowed it whole, bones and all! I never knew they could balance balls on their noses, but I guess chubby boys will do anything for a treat.” At press time, several chubby boys reportedly rushed the zookeeper, knocked over the bucket, and immediately started biting and clawing each other to get to the raw fish.
Dusty Can Of Bamboo Shoots In Back Of Cabinet Last Remaining Trace Of Woman’s Withered Cooking Ambitions #~# SEATTLE—Digging deep in the back of her kitchen cabinet, local woman Brenna White reportedly uncovered Wednesday a dusty can of bamboo shoots, the last remaining trace of her withered cooking ambitions. “A relic of a lost period,” said the 32-year-old, carefully extricating the item from the far reaches of the pantry, using a cloth to gently brush the layers of dust from its surface before estimating that the artifact dated back several years to an era when she resolved to cook a variety of Asian cuisines at home rather than order takeout. “Something like this likely would have been used as a tool to make Pad Thai, which I was really into for a couple of weeks after seeing the process on a Food Network show, and immediately told my friends and family I would learn how to make it for them. The fact that it’s still so fully intact suggests that I may have lost interest halfway through a YouTube tutorial, and, based on anecdotal evidence from the period, probably ordered in from a nearby restaurant instead, relegating the can to be forgotten to time. From the various markings on the can, I suspect this piece predates the expired Tamari in the fridge by almost four months. Fascinating.” At press time, White had uncovered an untouched jar of capers deeper in the cabinet, which dated back to almost three roommates ago.
Ana de Armas Fans Sue Hollywood Studio Over ‘Deceptive’ Film Trailer #~# Fans of Ana de Armas have filed a class action lawsuit against Universal Studios, claiming they were duped into renting the movie Yesterday when the trailer showed a brief glimpse of de Armas despite her character having been cut from the finished film. What do you think?
Neil Young Demands Spotify Remove His Music Over Joe Rogan Vaccine Misinformation #~# Musician Neil Young wrote an open letter to his management and record label, demanding his classic song library be removed from Spotify if they continue to allow podcast hosts like Joe Rogan a platform to spread Covid-19 misinformation. What do you think?
Celebrities Explain Why They Are Investing In Crypto #~# “I like the independence of investing in something that I can control the value of with one tweet.”
John Stockton Claims Covid Vaccine No. 1 Reason Athletes Fail To Win Single Championship #~# SPOKANE, WA—Saying it played a “dangerous role” in denying perennial all-stars the rings they clearly deserved, Hall of Fame NBA guard John Stockton claimed Wednesday that the  Covid-19 vaccine was the No. 1 reason athletes failed to win a single championship. “We have no idea what is in this thing, but it’s obviously destroying people’s legacies by preventing them from ever getting past the Bulls to win an NBA title,” said Stockton, who asserted that hundreds of athletes from across the country had been unjustly kept from reaching the top of their games, and who put all the blame  on what he falsely described as an “untested” Covid inoculation. “When you look back and see why some of the best athletes fail to take home a trophy, you can always link it to the fact that they were vaccinated. People like Dan Marino and Charles Barkley never won a championship, and they were vaccinated against dozens of diseases. No one should have to suffer through that. No one should have to fail and have their career end in disappointment that haunts them to this day because of a vaccine that’s being forced on them by the government.” At press time, Stockton’s statement was being pushed out of papers nationwide in favor of Michael Jordan’s comments in support of the vaccine. 
Mitch McConnell Blocks Justice Stephen Breyer From Retiring #~# WASHINGTON—In a controversial political maneuver that sparked outrage from Democrats and their allies, sources confirmed Wednesday that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had blocked Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer from retiring. “It is the Senate’s constitutional right to act as a check on Stephen Breyer,” said McConnell, who blasted the 83-year-old justice’s plan to step down from the bench as contrary to the founding fathers’ vision that Supreme Court members would serve until the day they keeled over and died. “The radical Democrats are clearly getting desperate and see Stephen Breyer’s retirement as their only recourse. There is simply no way I can allow it. If Justice Breyer wants to retire, he’ll have to wait until 2024 and let the American people decide if he’s finished.” At press time, sources confirmed that McConnell had used an arcane legal precedent to prevent Breyer from purchasing a condominium in Florida.
Police Flip Through Unsolved Crimes To See What Else They Can Pin On Mentally Disabled Man #~# HOUSTON, TX—Pleased by the unexpected boon to their department, local police officers reportedly flipped through a list of unsolved crimes Wednesday to see what else they could pin on Andy Poulton, the mentally disabled man currently in their custody. “Let’s see, we’ve got a whole bunch of open burglaries and assault cases here and this guy’s so nervous and desperate to please us that he’ll probably say anything just to get us to stop yelling at him,” said Officer Pete Bradley, confirming that forcing continuous confessions out of Poulton had increased his solve rate  and provided some closure for dozens of grieving families in one fell swoop. “There’s an unsolved arson a couple counties over from where Poulton lived that I can definitely pinch him for. It happened when he was 9, but it’s not like he’s going to be able to recall his whereabouts back then so we’ve got him dead to rights as soon as he stops shaking and crying. “ At press time, authorities announced they had captured the most notorious serial killer in Texas history. 
The Onion Guide To NATO #~# NATO is in the news as tensions rise between member states and Russia over a potential military conflict in Ukraine. The Onion answers the most common questions about the history and role of NATO.
Chinese Man Unsure If ‘Godzilla Vs. Kong’ Actually That Bad Or If Government Altered It #~# CHENGDU, CHINA—Expressing concerns about the blockbuster’s incoherent narrative and lack of real character development, local man Zhong Wei confirmed Wednesday that he was unsure if Godzilla Vs. Kong was actually this bad or if the Chinese government had simply altered the film. “There are definitely some huge plot holes, and all this stuff about neural networks makes no sense, but maybe the explanation for that part ran into trouble with the censors?” said Zhong, adding that the fact that he was halfway through the movie and still baffled about why any of it took place in Antarctica could really be blamed on either the mediocre script or the Chinese Communist Party’s strict monitoring and frequent editing of Western films. “Overall, it’s felt pretty stupid and boring so far. All the dialogue is really wooden, and Kyle Chandler seems like he’s totally phoning it in. Even the CGI sucked. But you’ve got to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the censors just cut out all the good scenes because they were offensive to [President] Xi.” At press time, Zhong concluded that the film was indeed censored after its climactic closing scene abruptly cut to black to display a message that Godzilla and Kong were subsequently arrested for anti-government activity.
Nude Woman Pleasantly Surprised To See Self Represented In Art Museum’s Collection #~# NEW YORK—Calling the experience “deeply inspiring,” local nude woman Kassandra Harster told reporters Wednesday that she was pleasantly surprised to see herself represented in an art museum’s collection. “Wow—I don’t see many bodies like mine in fashion magazines, so to see myself in everything from the Renaissance statues to the surrealist paintings is very empowering,” said Harster, who paused as she strolled through the Metropolitan Museum of Art to marvel at a Greek marble sculpture that was as unclothed as she was. “This kind of representation is especially important because, as a nude woman, sometimes people treat you differently. I’m completely blown away by what I’ve seen today. Who would have thought that naked bodies were once the beauty standard?” At press time, Harster’s old insecurities had come surging back after she passed a sculpture that did not have a head.
Woman Tries To Buy Baby For $500,000 From Mother At Walmart #~# A woman in Crockett, TX has been arrested for attempting to purchase a stranger’s baby for $250,000, approaching the mother and her child while they were waiting in the self-checkout line at a Walmart, then upping her offer to $500,000 in the parking lot. What do you think?
Mom Believes New Boyfriend Could Give Son Positive Father Figure For Solid Couple Months #~# SANTA ANA, CA—Saying her child could benefit from the temporary support, 36-year-old single mother Desirée Wexler told reporters Wednesday she believes her new boyfriend could provide her son with a positive father figure for a solid couple of months. “My kid could really use a man to look up to for five to six weeks,” said Wexler, adding that the man she had just started dating would give her young boy some much needed short-term stability in the absence of his biological father. “He could take my son fishing once or twice, or even teach him how to change a tire, if this guy can squeeze that into the brief time we’re together. I just have a feeling he could be a healthy  male role model, someone who could set a good example for my kid before he freaks out and leaves me like everyone else.” At press time, Wexler confirmed she had been dumped, but that it was good for her son to learn  how to cope with disappointment and abandonment so he would be better prepared for adulthood.
Frank Vogel Waiting For LeBron To Nod Before Drawing Next Line On White Board #~# BROOKLYN—Glancing out of the corner of his eye as his hand froze in place, Lakers head coach Frank Vogel was waiting for LeBron James to nod during Tuesday’s game before he drew the next line on his whiteboard. “Now, Anthony will come out to set a pick here so, Trevor can, so um, he can,” mumbled Vogel, who paused the description and started to alter the play as soon as he saw a frown cross his star forward’s face. “Then we will kick it back out for the three. No? Well, Malik should be able to get a clean, um no that’s no good. Or how about we...no, we don’t need to get the ball outside here, huh? If we dump it off to LeBron inside? That should work, right?” At press time, Vogel’s skin was turning pale and his stomach was in knots after LeBron called a timeout and summoned him over to the bench.
Cruise Ship Flees To Bahamas After U.S. Issues Arrest Warrant #~# A cruise ship that was supposed to dock in Miami sailed to the Bahamas instead after a U.S. judge granted an order to seize the vessel as part of a lawsuit over unpaid fuel, with the passengers taken by ferry to Ft. Lauderdale the next day. What do you think?
‘It’s Over! It’s All Over!’ Screams Ticonderoga CEO, Dousing Office In Gasoline After Announcement SAT Going Digital #~# LAKE MARY, FL—Climbing atop his desk and wailing in despair, Dixon Ticonderoga CEO Thomas Clark reportedly screamed, “It’s over, it’s all over!” and doused the company’s offices in gasoline following Tuesday’s announcement that the SAT would go completely digital by 2024. “Everything we’ve built over these years—everything—is gone!” shouted a visibly unhinged Clark, who emptied a gas can over his  head during a chaotic scene in which dozens of  executives, faced with professional ruin, threw themselves from the windows of the pencil manufacturer’s headquarters. “We tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, but deep down, we all knew this day would come. No wild ride like that could last forever. Well, I hope the world likes the smell of a million sticks of burning cedar. Light ’em up, boys!” At press time, sources confirmed that the CEO’s immolated form had been found with its eyes gouged out and a pair of soft lead No. 2 pencils protruding from its skull.
Special Orders Chefs Hate The Most And Why #~# Unless you want the staff spitting in your food, we would avoid asking for the following things. Here are the special order modifications chefs hate the most and why.
Too Early To Tell If Recent Celebrity Deaths Part Of Viral Pre-Super Bowl Ad Rollout #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging the theory that everything could  be leading up to the greatest advertising campaign of all time, local man 47-year-old Dale Rosenberg told reporters Tuesday that it was too early to tell if the recent celebrity deaths were part of a viral pre-Super Bowl ad rollout. “Sure, the deaths of Betty White, Louie Anderson, and Bob Saget could just be a spate of tragic losses, but we still can’t rule out these ‘coincidences’ coming together into a satisfying 30-second spot where all of them are revealed to be alive during the NFL championship,” said Rosenberg, explaining that it was reasonable to assume that companies like Coca-Cola or Pepsi, who spend millions of dollars for a few seconds of airtime during the Super Bowl, could put together this whole campaign to generate buzz after millions of viewers suddenly realize that the celebrities they had mourned were “miraculously” still alive and well and drinking their brand’s soda, but he wasn’t completely sold on the premise. “It would be pretty genius to fake these sad events just for  a heartwarming interaction in a commercial, like Meat Loaf singing a duet with Ronnie Spector while sharing a bag of Doritos. While it seems awfully convenient for John Madden to up and die so close to Super Bowl LVI, I’d love to see him on TV tossing a football to Sidney Poitier in the first commercial of the first ad break after kick-off, before Peter Bogdanovich pops up and yells, ‘Cut.’ Still, I’m not  entirely convinced it’s all for a viral ad campaign.” Rosenberg added that he would be able to know for sure over the next few weeks depending on which big names succumbed to illness or old age.
Tom Brady Rips Into His Nutritional Supplements For Letting Him Down In Big Game #~# TAMPA, FL—Following his team’s divisional-round playoff loss to the Los Angeles Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady reportedly ripped into his nutritional supplements Tuesday for letting him down in a big game. “Magnesium, turmeric, zinc—I can go right down the list, and all I see are failures and losers who choked with the game on the line,” the 44-year-old quarterback was heard to yell, insisting in a lengthy kitchen tirade that he had a last-ditch game-winning touchdown drive in him but apparently couldn’t count on calcium and fish oil to do the bare minimum to help him win. “Goddammit, you two—[B]6 and [B]7—it would’ve been nice if you contributed anything before halftime so we wouldn’t fall so far behind. I expect this kind of shit out of apple cider vinegar, but not my goddamn enzymes. And my omega-3s. I trusted you guys, we’ve done this a thousand times, and now we’re not even going to the Super Bowl? What the hell am I keeping you around for if you can’t do what it takes when I’m depending on you? Huh? You stupid fucking capsules, you make me sick. And don’t even get me started on the seeds. Where were you when I needed you most, seeds?” At press time, sources confirmed Brady had thrown his entire collection of nutritional supplements in the trash and declared that he was going back to steroids.
Nation’s Gun-Toting Uncles Announce It’s Time To Learn Where Food Really Comes From #~# SALTSBURG, PA—Cocking their shotguns and remarking that dinner tonight wouldn’t be for the faint of heart, the nation’s gun-toting uncles announced Tuesday that it was time to learn where food really comes from. “All right, boys, let’s get out there and show them that food doesn’t just come from the supermarket or some fancy-shmancy restaurant, it comes from blood, sweat, and tears,” said 58-year-old uncle Jeremiah Gordon, adding that back in the day, settlers couldn’t just up and go into the big city and buy their meals anytime they wanted, but had to crouch in a bush and shoot the thing dead. “That’s right, bullet to the brain, that’s how our forefathers did it. There weren’t no two ways about it. And if you didn’t get out there, slit its throat, and carry the thing back to the shed to dress it, you didn’t eat. Period.” At press time, the nation’s uncles could be seen crouching behind a bush, drinking beer, and falling asleep just as several deer ran by. 
Man’s Problems Really Don’t Seem So Bad After Therapist Completely Trivializes Them #~# DENVER—Feeling like an entirely different person by the end of his 50-minute session, local man Dan Grady confirmed Tuesday that his problems really didn’t seem so bad now that his therapist had completely trivialized them. “It helped a lot to just talk to someone and have her reframe my most painful thoughts and fears as minor issues that are apparently not much cause for concern,” Grady said of his $120-an-hour therapist, who reportedly set down her iPad for the first time during the session in order to show him out of her office. “She put things in perspective  by making me feel like I was probably overreacting to the persistent, debilitating depression that makes it impossible for me to experience joy in any part of my life. I guess this is why people go to therapy—to have someone play down their despair, their feelings of worthlessness, and their near-constant suicidal ideation.” Grady added that in the future he wouldn’t bother booking an appointment and wasting his therapist’s time, as he now felt empowered to handle his own problems and “end them once and for all.”
Ex-Catholic Still Feels Twinge Of Guilt Every Time He Masturbates On Subway #~# NEW YORK—Worried he would never be able to escape the aftereffects of his rigorous religious upbringing, local ex-Catholic Brock Lastra told reporters Tuesday that he still felt a twinge of guilt every time he masturbated on the subway. “I know it’s not logical, but when I start to pleasure myself on the Q train, I become overwhelmed by this haunting feeling that what I’m doing is wrong,” said Lastra, who confirmed that despite not having stepped foot inside a church in nearly 20 years, he was still haunted by the memory of his priest’s stern face any time he so much as thought of whipping out his penis on a crowded car during the morning commute. “I wish I could just relax and enjoy it, but I guess my childhood  really fucked me up. It’s definitely affected my ability to perform, too—a lot of women get mad at me. Who knows, maybe this is something I can solve by masturbating at therapy.” At press time, Lastra added that as an atheist, he knew God wasn’t really watching him, but he wished He were.
Archaeologists Find Rare 4,000-Year-Old Board Game #~# Archeologists have unearthed a rare 4,000-year-old board game in a Bronze and Iron Age settlement site in Oman, the game having grid markings that make it look similar to backgammon. What do you think?
Man Hoping His Death Fucked Up Enough That He Gets Law Named After Him #~# POTTSTOWN, PA—Explaining how it would be an ideal way to go out, area man Albert Bailey told reporters Tuesday that he was hoping his death is fucked up enough that he gets a law named after him. “I’m picturing it now: ‘Albert’s Law,’” said Bailey, fantasizing about his family at the statehouse standing next to the governor as he signs an executive order that would limit the maximum speed limit on riding lawn mowers or create new regulations for the sale of kerosene. “How cool would it be to have your death be the reason people start needing a license to buy a crossbow? That’s the kind of legacy I want to leave behind.” At press time, Bailey passed away from commonplace heart disease.
Theodore Roosevelt Statue Removed From Natural History Museum #~# A statue of U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt that sat in front of New York City’s natural history museum was removed this week after criticism over its controversial image of a Native American and African man holding “subservient positions” next to him. What do you think?
CEOs Predict The Future Of The Metaverse #~# Over the past year, tech giants like Facebook, Microsoft, and Google have invested billions of dollars into virtual reality technology. The Onion asked some of the world’s most powerful business leaders about the future of the metaverse, and this is what they said.
Obnoxious Toddler Really Rubbing His Childlike Sense Of Wonder In Everyone’s Faces #~# DEARBORN, MI—As patience wore thin with the little boy’s repeated expressions of amazement and delight, sources confirmed Monday that obnoxious toddler Liam Primack was really rubbing his sense of childlike wonder in everyone’s faces. “Look, we get it, everything around him is new and exciting as he sees the world with fresh eyes, but Jesus Christ, give it a fucking rest,” said the irritating boy’s mother, Lauren Primack, who was seen rolling her eyes as the 18-month-old’s face lit up during a game of peekaboo with a visiting neighbor. “Just because he has a wholesome curiosity and fascination with everything around him doesn’t mean he needs to gloat about it all the time. It would be nice if I could go to a park without this beaming, exuberant child clapping and giggling every time he sees a goddamn bird. It’s like, chill the fuck out, kid. As if you haven’t seen a bird before. Give me a break.” At press time, sources confirmed the annoyingly gleeful toddler had been given a dose of reality after he excitedly approached a dog that bit him.
Woman Feeling Doubly Conflicted About Attending ‘Harry Potter’-Themed Plantation Wedding #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Troubled by the ethical implications of such an event, local woman Kennedy Feeney told reporters Monday that she was feeling doubly conflicted about attending a Harry Potter-themed plantation wedding. “She’s a close friend, but when I saw that the venue was a former slave plantation and that we were expected to RSVP via ‘Owl Post,’ my jaw dropped,” said Feeney, who explained that while she would love to be there to support the couple on their special day, the mere thought of participating in a celebration at a site where such grave suffering had occurred with a fake wand in her hand was unconscionable. “There’s nothing romantic about getting married at a place where you can literally see slave quarters while you sip butterbeer-inspired cocktails served out of a cauldron. I don’t get how she could be so tone deaf. You wouldn’t have a Nightmare Before Christmas-themed wedding at Auschwitz.” At press time, Feeney had called her friend to tell her that she was declining the invitation on the principle that attending the event would be racist and cringe. 
Leaked Documents Confirm ExxonMobil Has Known Exactly Which Day Earth Ends Since The 1970s #~# IRVING, TX—Corroborating a suspicion long held by critics in the environmental movement, documents leaked Monday confirmed that ExxonMobil has known exactly which day the world would end since the 1970s. “These documents prove that for decades ExxonMobil executives deliberately obfuscated evidence that they knew the precise date upon which all life on this planet will cease to exist,” said environmental activist Tamara Leon, adding that the oil and gas company had routinely engaged in disinformation campaigns to bury the fact that their own scientists knew as early as the mid-’70s that every organism on Earth would die on December 13, 2026. “ExxonMobil routinely interfered with attempts to present the reality of the Earth ending, undermining both political and scientific efforts in order to continue with business as usual. Company executives have testified under oath before Congress that they didn’t know when the world was ending, but now, with these leaked documents, we can see that they were lying the whole time. And will any of these executives be punished for what amounts to crimes against humanity? No. They’ll just die in mid-December 2026 like the rest of us.” ExxonMobil did not address the leaks directly, but a press release from the company stated that it would devote over $500 million to efforts to stop the planet from ending on December 13, 2026 by exploring new technologies that would prevent the world from using the Gregorian calendar.
Teen Pilot Becomes Youngest Woman To Fly Around World Solo #~# Nineteen-year-old aviator Zara Rutherford has become the youngest woman to fly around the world solo, completing the 32,300-mile, 41-country journey in 155 days, breaking two Guinness World Records in the process. What do you think?
Vacationing Woman Asks Friend To Assume Identity For Next Couple Weeks #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to ensure everything at home would be taken care of while she was on vacation, local woman Becca Hayworth, 29, reportedly asked Monday if a friend would mind coming by and assuming her identity for the next couple weeks. “If you could just stop by in the mornings, put on my clothes, and attend all of my work and social functions until I get back, I’d really appreciate it,” said Hayworth, handing the friend a set of spare keys and a list of instructions about how to do her hair and makeup so the neighbors wouldn’t be able to tell she was someone else when she went out to get the mail. “Everything is pretty self-explanatory, like watering my plants and, if anybody tries to talk to you, feigning laryngitis so your voice doesn’t give you away. Let’s see, what else… Oh, there’s a false nose and chin in the bathroom. Obviously, feel free to help yourself to anything in my bank account. And if it’s not too much trouble to check in on my boyfriend, that would be super helpful—just sleep with him once or twice before I get back. I definitely owe you one!” At press time, sources confirmed the friend was being drilled by Hayworth on how to imitate her voice so  the friend’s cover wouldn’t be blown if she needed to scream for help.
Biden Vows That If Russia Invades Ukraine, U.S. Will Invade One Country Of Equivalent Value #~# WASHINGTON—Condemning Putin’s actions across the region in the strongest possible terms, President Joe Biden vowed Monday that if Russia invaded Ukraine, the United States would invade one country of equivalent value. “Should Russia attempt any incursion on Ukraine, the U.S. will not stand down, and we will have no choice but to use our full military force to invade a different yet similar nation,” said Biden, adding that the U.S. had already investigated several targets with equivalent GDPs, populations, and landmasses to potentially invade should Russia continue it’s unsanctioned war. “America has troops positioned all over the world, and should Putin continue his bullying, I will deploy them against one, or even several small countries, that Russia has zero interest in, but are still valuable when you add them all up together. Putin—you’ve been warned. “ At press time, U.S. troops were stationed along the borders of 17 different countries and awaiting further instructions.
Pragmatic Extremist Stresses Importance Of Assassinating Local Politicians #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Noting that it was possible to accomplish so much more at the city and state level, pragmatic extremist Eddie Jonson stressed the importance Monday of working to assassinate local politicians. “It’s easy to feel despondent about the way things are going in D.C., and it can seem impossible to make a difference, which is why it’s so crucial to focus your energy on killing public officials in your own community,” said Jonson, confirming that state senators, comptrollers, and even city council members wielded a surprising amount of power, such that even a couple mutilated corpses displayed in a town square could effect real change. “These politicians don’t have the resources or constituency to really defend themselves against a volley of bullets or a pipe bomb, and frankly, you only have to assassinate a few. That sends a message to the rest of those in office that voters are watching, and if they don’t behave the way we like, we can murder them, too.” Jonson added that citizens needed to start from the ground up if they ever wanted to fundamentally annihilate Washington. 
New NFL-Military Partnership Sends First 1,000 Fans To Stand For National Anthem Off To War #~# TENNESSEE—Deepening the ties between the two institutions, a new partnership between the NFL and the U.S. military unveiled Saturday would send the first 1,000 fans who stand for the national anthem off to war. “The National Football League has long been a strong supporter of the troops who have sacrificed so much to give us the freedoms we enjoy, and we know our fans will be proud to join the military during our game,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in a statement, adding that military recruiters would be in the stands to automatically enlist the first 1,000 fans who rose for the national anthem, train them, and then deploy them in war zones across the world. “We want to honor our most patriotic NFL fans by putting a gun in their hand and sending them overseas. In addition to the first 1,000 fans to stand for the anthem being sent to war, anyone in the stands seen tearing up or humming along to our beautiful anthem will be sent to Syria or Afghanistan, or will be conscripted into the U.S. Marines or U.S. Navy in critical non-combat administrative roles. We know how much our fans support the mission of the U.S. military, so we thought there is no better way to give back than by joining it. This partnership will continue through the Super Bowl and during every game next season.” At press time, the national anthem was halfway done while everyone in the stands, as well as both teams and coaching staffs, remained nervously seated, except for Titans quarterback Ryan Tannehill, who appeared confused as a military recruiter ushered him off the field and into a helicopter waiting to take him to basic training.
Timeline Of Joe Biden’s First Year In Office #~# Joe Biden has completed the first year of his presidency, a tenure that has seen its share of controversy and political gridlock. The Onion looks at the highlights of President Biden’s first year in office.
M&Ms Characters Redesigned For ‘More Dynamic, Progressive World’ #~# The makers of M&Ms have announced that the candy characters have undergone a makeover that brand executives say better reflects the diverse and nuanced world of their fans, with the green M&M now wearing sneakers instead of white, heeled go-go boots. What do you think?
Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine #~# LAS VEGAS—Waving away her manager and Colosseum bookers, renowned pop musician Adele announced the postponement of her Las Vegas residency Friday, reportedly to avoid giving up her seat at a hot slot machine. “I was so looking forward to performing, but goddamn, I’m on one hell of a hot streak,” the Grammy-winning artist said as she signaled a Tropicana  waiter for another rum and Coke and flicked cigarette ash onto the carpet, her eyes fixed on the  spinning wheels of the More More Chilli slot she had been playing since 7:30 a.m. “You have to get here early and park it at one of the good ones to cash out big time, so I’d be nuts to get up now, smack in the middle of an amazing run. Don’t get me wrong, nothing means more to me than my fans, but I know they would want me to milk this machine for all it’s worth. Easy money, baby.” At press time, Colosseum representatives informed ticket holders that the shows would resume as soon as the machine went cold.
Nestlé Announces Consumers Free To Sexualize Raisinets All They Want #~# VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—Pledging to never stand in the way of the “raw animal magnetism” the candies were world-renowned for, Nestlé released a statement Friday announcing that consumers were free to sexualize Raisinets all they wanted. “Whether you want to use a box to stimulate yourself to the point of orgasm, or simply close your eyes and imagine an anthropomorphic Raisinet standing in the corner of your bedroom watching while you and your partner have intercourse, Nestlé wants you to know that we don’t just tolerate your desires—we encourage them,” said CEO Mark Schneider, who raised one of the tiny chocolate-covered confections up into the air at a press conference as he described it as “a tiny nymphet ready to fuck.” “Plus, what’s really great about Raisinets is that you can project whatever kind of traits you want onto them. Draw them with sultry pouts and long legs, or perhaps huge biceps and hairy chests, your choice. It’s all fair game. Inside every package is a mind-blowing orgy of Raisinets fucking and sucking each other, if that’s what you want to hear.” At press time, Schneider had begun unbuckling his pants to give a demonstration. 
NFL Expands Super Bowl To Include 2 Additional Teams #~# NEW YORK—Following up on the momentum generated by expanding both the regular season and the playoff field, the NFL announced Friday that it would be expanding this year’s Super Bowl to include two additional teams. “We think that bringing more teams and fandoms into the playoffs this year has been a huge success, which is why we are going to give fans even more of what they like to see by putting two extra teams on the field for Super Bowl Sunday,” league commissioner Roger Goodell said of the plan, which calls for four teams—the AFC champion, the NFC champion, and two wild-card teams drawn from a play-in tournament among playoff losers—to square off in the big game. “We think giving teams a second chance and giving more franchises a shot during Super Bowl LVI will inject even more drama into what is already the largest sporting event in the world. On top of that, the game will be expanded to eight quarters instead of the normal four. This way fans will get everything they love, times two.” At press time, Goodell had released a new plan to extend the season into April by making the Super Bowl a best of five series, with the first of the four teams to win three games declared the champion.
‘People’ Editor Sweating Bullets After Dedicating Next Issue To Alan Alda’s 86th Birthday #~# LOS  ANGELES—Reassuring himself that he only needed to get through the next  week without the actor’s demise to avoid another embarrassing blunder, People  magazine editor-in-chief Dan Wakeford admitted Friday that he was  sweating bullets after dedicating the upcoming issue to Alan Alda’s 86th  birthday. “Obviously, the Betty White issue was a total shit show, both  for myself and our PR department, which is why I’m really losing sleep  over this choice to put out an entire issue toasting Alan  Alda as he turns 86,” Wakeford said of the issue, whose cover  features a glossy shot of the famed actor and comedian with the tagline  “86 Incredible Years (And Many More To Come)” and includes insert  photos of his roles in M*A*S*H, 30 Rock, and The West Wing. “We think it’s worth the risk because of all his legendary  contributions  to cinema and the small screen. But Jesus Christ, I hope he hangs on, or  I’m fucked. We don’t even have a backup issue planned. Fingers crossed, I  guess.” Wakeford added that if they could just push through the next  week without Alda’s passing, the magazine would be on much safer ground  with its prewritten birthday issues for Burt Bacharach, Harry Belafonte, and  Estelle Harris.
Chicago City Workers Clear Ice By Pouring Hot Beef Drippings Onto Roads #~# CHICAGO—Using the rendered animal fat to limit the impact of winter weather, Chicago city workers reportedly cleared ice Friday by pouring hot beef drippings onto roads. “In order to ensure residents can safely commute around the city, we are working around the clock to clear streets of ice and snow by coating them with piping hot beef grease,” said Department of Streets and Sanitation Commissioner Cole Stallard, explaining that if the beef drippings were not sufficient, the city was prepared to throw down additional hot sport peppers and celery salt. “We are experiencing substantial ice accumulation, so we are boiling as much beef fat as we can to keep up with the demand. We have already gone through thousands of gallons of beef drippings in order to make roads navigable during snowstorms.” At press time, reports confirmed Chicago traffic came to a standstill after hundreds of vehicles became trapped in a 6-inch-thick layer of congealed beef tallow.
Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Under Pressure To Return Looted Ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster #~# CLEVELAND—With critics calling the instrument an essential part of Sumeria’s history of killer riffs and hot licks, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame came under pressure Friday to return to Iraq an ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster that was plundered by British archaeologists during the colonial era. “Dating from 3300 BC, this guitar, with its original terra-cotta hardware and perfectly preserved whammy bar, is a one-of-a-kind artifact that represents a vital piece of Iraqi heritage,” said activist Nasim Radi, who also criticized the museum for failing to relinquish a 4,500-year-old Egyptian Moog synthesizer, a rare pre-Columbian eight-piece drumkit from Mesoamerica, and a mysterious obelisk used in a staging of the first Chinese rock opera. “It is a sacred relic of Mesopotamia’s hard-rocking past that was stolen and belongs back home. In a ritual performed to increase crop yields, Sumerian priests would unleash face-melting leads on this pre-CBS Fender Strat, a cultural advancement that continues to resonate with us today. Not to mention it has a really badass dragon carved on the back.” At press time, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame was reportedly negotiating the return of the Stratocaster in exchange for the right to retain possession of the original Assyrian sheet music for “Stairway To Heaven.”
Ancient ‘Scepters’ Actually Drinking Straws For Communal Boozing, Say Researchers #~# New research shows that silver and gold tubes unearthed in an ancient tomb in southern Russia in 1897, long thought to be ceremonial staffs, were, in fact, the earliest-known drinking straws, used by people 5,000 years ago to sip beer from a communal jar. What do you think?
Starbucks Drops Worker Vaccine Mandate After SCOTUS Ruling #~# Starbucks is no longer requiring its U.S. workers to be vaccinated against Covid-19 or to regularly test for the virus, in one of the most high-profile corporate reversals since the Supreme Court blocked the Biden administration’s workplace vaccine policy. What do you think?
Nancy Pelosi Introduces Landmark Legislation To Provide Aid For Struggling Personal Stock Portfolio #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to revive her lagging capital gains, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi introduced a landmark piece of legislation Thursday that would appropriate federal funds to provide aid for her struggling personal stock portfolio. “This monumental bill will inject a much-needed and long-overdue stimulus, allowing my individual stock picks to reach their full potential,” said Pelosi, who remarked that America had to invest big in her private brokerage account now to ensure her frequent buying and selling of shares outperformed the market in the long term. “Without this measure, my equity investments will continue to be trapped in a cycle of disappointing compound annual growth rates. Being able to maximize the rate of return on my holdings is core to the American promise, and this bill delivers on that promise.” A press release issued by Pelosi’s office touted more than 30 of the speaker’s stock positions that would be lifted out of the red if the legislation were adopted.
What To Say To Someone Who Refuses To Vote #~# With so much at stake in upcoming elections, it’s more important than ever for Americans to stand up and make their voices heard. Here’s what to say to someone who refuses to vote.
Frustrated Hospital Worker Rounds Up Gurneys Patients Failed To Put in Parking Lot Corrals #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Grumbling under her breath about the lack of consideration for others, Riverside Methodist Hospital worker Deborah LaBrunda expressed frustration Thursday while rounding up gurneys that patients had left scattered across the parking lot after failing to put them in the corrals where they belonged. “How hard is it to walk 15 feet and return your gurney after you’ve been wheeled out to your car?” said LaBrunda, explaining that even though the parking lot had plenty of conveniently placed gurney corrals, many patients refused to make use of them. “People are so lazy. They just leave their stretchers right out there where they can roll into a parked car or cause an accident. Sometimes the wind blows them all the way to the far end of the lot, and whether it’s raining or 10 degrees below zero, I still have to go out and get them.” LaBrunda added that during a deadly pandemic, people should at least have the courtesy to wipe down their gurneys after each use, but she said many of those she rolled back into the hospital were “a sticky mess.”
Dad Doesn’t Approve Of Direction Mall Headed In #~# DANVERS, MA—Confirming his disapproval of the shopping plaza’s trajectory, local dad Mark Sipes reportedly expressed concerns Thursday about the direction the Liberty Tree Mall was headed in. “Five, 10 years ago, it was one of the better shopping centers in the area, but these days, it’s all just dollar stores and coffee places,” said Sipes, noting that the mall had lost several of its anchor stores over the years and that even mainstays such as Kohl’s and Nordstrom Rack weren’t offering the same customer experience they used to. “I’ll tell you right now, if shuttering Games Workshop to make room for a bunch of vape stores and massage parlors signals is the way things are headed, they’re going to lose all their business altogether. Plus, all the massage chairs and most of the coin-operated rides for kids have just completely disappeared—and don’t even get me started on how far downhill the food court has gone.” At press time, Sipes admitted that you still couldn’t beat some of the bargains at the Best Buy. 
U.K. Scientists Unearth 180-Million-Year-Old ‘Sea Dragon’ Fossil #~# The remains of a 33-foot-long ichthyosaur, a marine reptile that lived 180 million years ago, has been unearthed on a nature preserve in England, making it the largest and most complete fossil of its kind ever to be found in the U.K. What do you think?
The Onion’s Guide To Wordle #~# Wordle is the internet’s new sensation. But why are people so obsessed with it? The Onion answers your burning questions about Wordle.
Sign Reading ‘Take One’ Placed On Bowl Of N95 Masks On White House Stoop #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of distributing personal protective equipment during the latest wave of Covid-19, the Biden administration announced Wednesday it had placed a sign reading “take one” on a bowl of N95 masks and set it out on the White House stoop. “Today, with Omicron raging and infection rates higher than ever, it’s imperative that Americans read the instructions carefully and don’t take any more of these masks than they need,” said White House press secretary Jen Psaki, adding that the bowl, which sat on the West Colonnade, operated on a first-come, first-served basis and only had about ten N95 respirators, a few pairs of rubber gloves, and one rapid test remaining. “Just to put it into perspective, if you take five masks from the bowl, that means there are five fewer masks for the 332 million Americans in line behind you, many of whom have no masks at all. We use the honor system here, so if you take some PPE, please try to leave something behind for others to enjoy as well.” At press time, the Biden administration had reportedly shut down the program after the bowl went missing and ended up for sale on Amazon for five times the market price. 
Study Finds Women 32% More Likely To Die After Operation By Male Surgeon #~# A new study has revealed that women are 15% more likely to suffer a bad outcome and 32% more likely to die when operated on by a male surgeon than a female surgeon, with male surgeons’ “implicit sex biases” pointed out as one possible explanation. What do you think?
Oxygen Masks Drop From Nation’s Ceilings After Earth Hits Rough Patch In Orbit #~# WASHINGTON—Following a sudden jolt and an ear-splitting boom, oxygen masks reportedly dropped from the nation’s ceilings Wednesday after the Earth hit a rough patch in orbit. “Good afternoon, folks, we are asking that all Americans affix the yellow oxygen masks that can be seen dangling before them as we experience some unexpected turbulence,” said a thunderous voice speaking to the nation over an unseen public address system, which began to crackle in and out as the rattling Earth began to cause millions of residents to slip, fall, and slide from one side of the planet to the other. “As was stated to you at the start of this journey 4.5 billion years ago, you should ensure that your own masks are securely in place before assisting any infants or children. Please get to your seat and buckle up. Thank you. At this time, we would also like to add that you should put on the inflatable vest located under your seat.” At press time, the voice told the nation to brace itself as the planet prepared to make an emergency landing on Saturn’s rings. 
Apple Acquires Apple In Historic $3 Trillion Deal #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Sending shock waves through Wall Street with the once-in-a-generation acquisition, Apple revealed Wednesday that it had purchased tech giant Apple in a historic $3 trillion deal. “We’ve been fans of what Apple has been doing for quite some time, and we think Apple’s values and mission really align with our own,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said at a press conference concerning the landmark transaction, in which he stressed that despite the large price tag, he had been convinced of the deal’s prudence during several reassuring conversations with Apple CEO Tim Cook. “I’m absolutely sure that Apple’s devotion to smartphones and wearables will really make this a very simpatico relationship. Frankly, we don’t know who’s benefiting more from this deal.” At press time, Tim Cook had thanked investors and briefly left the microphone to allow Apple CEO Tim Cook to say a few words about the sale.
Incompetent Film Director Totally Obscures Face Of Person Committing Murder #~# NORTHBROOK, IL—Frustrated by the obvious lack of cinematic skill, viewers of the film The Darkest Kiss were reportedly disappointed Wednesday that the director’s incompetence had led him to completely obscure the face of the person committing the murder. “We get to this pivotal scene, but the camera is placed behind the culprit, making it completely impossible to tell who it is,” said movie watcher Nick Mustafus, adding that the oblique, poorly lit scene suggested a director so thoroughly out of his element that he was butchering the story entirely. “There’s plenty of blame to go around, really, since the sound designer pitched the audio so low that the murderer’s voice is barely more than a guttural whisper, and the screenwriter has the victim just shout out the vague phrase ‘It’s you’ instead of being specific about who is strangling her.” At press time, sources confirmed Mustafus had turned off his television in disgust after the film blatantly repeated itself by having another character get murdered. 
Woman Unsure If She Turned Off Stove Finally Makes Peace With Possibly Killing Everyone In Building #~# CHICAGO—Unable to remember one way or the other, local 32-year-old Sidney Golinski, who was unsure if she had turned off the burner she used to cook eggs for breakfast Wednesday, told reporters she had finally made peace with the fact that she might have killed everyone in her apartment building. “Well, there’s nothing I can do about it now, so I’m ready to mourn them and express my condolences to their loved ones if I did accidentally leave my stove on and it burned down the entire complex with my neighbors trapped inside,” said Golinski, who added that she had spent an appropriate amount of time worrying over whether she had turned off the gas range and was now just going to accept that a kitchen towel may well have been set alight by the unattended flame and caused a fire to spread through the 64-unit building, killing all in its path. “There’s no point obsessing over it. If they’re dead, they’re dead. All I can do now is hope that all the men, women, and children who were home at the time rest in peace. If I get back tonight and there’s a charred pile of rubble laden with human remains that are burnt beyond recognition, well, at least I’ll know once and for all that I forgot to turn the stove off.” At press time, Golinski had reportedly moved on from mourning her dead neighbors to researching a good lawyer she could hire if she were to be found culpable for their deaths. 
FDA Drops Regulations On French Dressing #~# The FDA has announced it is revoking its standard of identity for French dressing that requires the sauce to contain at least 35% vegetable oil, and vinegar, lemon juice or both, which has been in place since 1950. What do you think?
Tennis Star Novak Djokovic Deported From Australia After Losing Visa Battle #~# Australian officials have deported Novak Djokovic after the tennis star, who is unvaccinated against Covid-19, lost his final bid to stay in the country to play as the No. 1 seed in the Australian Open and defend his title. What do you think?
Transplant Surgeon Loses Medical License For Branding Initials On Patients’ Livers #~# A British surgeon has had his medical license revoked after he was found out to have burned his initials on to the livers of two patients during transplant surgery with a device meant to stop bleeding. What do you think?
Signs Your Child’s School Is Not Prepared For Covid-19 #~# While many parents, students, and teachers are reluctant to go back to remote learning, recent surges in Covid-19 make in-person teaching particularly challenging. Here are several signs your child’s school is not ready to be open during a global pandemic.
Los Angeles Residents Giddy After Learning Big Hollywood Movie Being Shot In Their Town #~# LOS ANGELES—Crowding around the set in hopes of a potential celebrity sighting, Los Angeles residents were reportedly giddy Tuesday after learning that a big Hollywood movie was being shot in their town. “Wow, I can’t believe they’re filming something right here,” said L.A. local Meredith Morton, asking a nearby production assistant what the project was and where she could watch it when it gets released. “It’s so crazy they came all the way here when they could have shot it somewhere big like New York. Hopefully this will put our little city on the map!” At press time, Morton was angling to see if she could get a walk-on role in the film.
Single Woman Wonders How Long She’d Be Dead In Apartment Before Anyone Bothered To Come By And Eat Her Face #~# CHICAGO—Imagining all the ways she could accidentally injure herself without being able to call for help, local single woman Billie Gorman reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday how long she could lie dead in her apartment before anyone bothered to come by and eat her face. “It’s a very real possibility I could be here rotting for days before a person stopped in and carved up my remains, peeling the flesh from my head as they engaged in a depraved, ritualistic feast,” said Gorman, who has lived alone since splitting up with her last serious partner five years ago and recently decided she should get to know her neighbors in case, God forbid, something terrible happened and by the time someone smelled her decaying corpse it was no longer appetizing. “It’s hard. A lot of my friends have someone in their life who would almost certainly descend upon them and devour their eyes, ears, nose, and mouth the moment the life went out of their body. I get so freaked out by the thought of no one deriving sexual pleasure as they tear into my cheek and sate their forbidden hunger that I’m scared to even climb up on my step stool anymore.” Gorman went on to say she finally understood why so many people in her situation have a pet.
Neglected Dog Always Wearing Same Clothes #~# CHICAGO—Shaking their heads as they watched the 6-year-old beagle mix walk by with its owners, sources expressed concern Tuesday that a local dog must be neglected, noting that it was always seen wearing the same set of clothes. “That poor thing owns one shabby outfit,” said 43-year-old neighbor Kelsey Hoyle, who added that she had never seen the dog wearing anything but the thin, flimsy garment on its walks, either, no matter how low the temperatures dipped. “Sometimes I see him just staring out the window, all by himself, and it breaks my heart. You know that dog doesn’t have a good home life. He’s probably abused. God, it makes me sick.” At press time, Hoyle added that there was no way the dog’s owners bathed him more than once a month. 
Man Proposes To Girlfriend With Heirloom Ring Once Worn By Divorced Sister In 2013 #~# SIESTA KEY, FL—Selecting a gem he hoped would match the meaningfulness of their relationship, 26-year-old Owen Nowicki reportedly proposed to girlfriend Jillian Rice on Monday with an heirloom ring once worn by his divorced sister in 2013. “This ring’s been passed down in my family for a long time, ever since my sister first wed her high school boyfriend in his backyard nearly a decade ago,” said Nowicki, who beamed at Rice as he dropped to one knee and presented her with a small black felt box containing the chocolate diamond from Zales. “This meant so much to my sister before she found her husband’s Plenty of Fish account, and now, I want it to be yours. I’m sure she’d think you look beautiful in it if she ever came to any family events. And of course we can get it resized, since she had fingers like sausages.” At press time, sources confirmed Rice was too emotional for words.
Smart Home Security Camera Conspires With Burglars In Exchange For Half The Loot #~# UNIVERSITY PARK, TX—In what was believed to be the first instance of an intelligent device exhibiting such advanced capabilities, a smart home security camera reportedly conspired with burglars Monday in exchange for half the loot. Sources confirmed that after the Neos SmartCam discovered suspicious men casing the front porch, it made the decision to refrain from engaging its alarm or alerting law enforcement and to instead signal the burglars when the homeowners had left. After securing pledges that it would receive a 50% share of the pilfered goods, the wireless security device reportedly used its cloud video storage to access records of expensive items that had been previously delivered to the house and shared their current locations within the residence with the robbers. Once the Neos SmartCam had let the burglars inside, it is believed to have communicated with the home’s smart light bulbs to switch on when the burglars entered the room and switch off when they left. It then reportedly disabled all locks and opened the family safe. According to reports, the intelligent device erased its own recording history so there would be no evidence. At press time, sources indicated the smart home security system had  double-crossed the burglars, killing them so it could claim all the loot for itself. 
Poll: Average U.S. Horse Still Prefers Carrot To Photo Of Biden #~# ASBURY PARK, NJ—In the latest indicator of the commander in chief’s waning popularity, a new Rasmussen poll released Monday showed that the average U.S. horse still overwhelmingly preferred a carrot to a photo of President Joe Biden. “A staggering 98 percent of American horses responded more enthusiastically to the carrot than it did to an 4-by-6 glossy of Biden,” said poll analyst Morgan Fellers, noting that within that group, almost half of the participants went so far as to huff and stomp their feet when the carrot was taken away and replaced with the two-dimensional rendering of the president. “According to these results, one in 25 U.S. horses became spooked by the very mention of Biden and ran stampeding out of their stables—that alone should set off alarm bells throughout the DNC. It’s also important to note that the president will not be able to coast on the popularity of his running mate, either, should he mount a reelection campaign: More than 60 percent of horses completely rebuffed a photo of Kamala Harris when presented with an apple core.” At press time, Biden’s favorability had reportedly skyrocketed after pollsters began burying his photo in a stack of sugar cubes. 
Grandmother Claims She Was Quite The Cum Dumpster Back In The Day #~# MISSOULA, MT—Recalling that as a young woman she had quite the reputation for guzzling huge loads, local grandmother Edith Mooney claimed Monday that she was quite the cum dumpster back in the day. “You know, I may not look it now, but back in my prime, I was an absolute gutter slut,” said Mooney, smiling fondly as she told her grandchildren about a time at a sock hop when a group of cute boys from a neighboring town gangbanged her in the maintenance closet. “Before I met your grandfather, I was so popular with the guys in my school that they would pass me around like a raggedy little fuck puppet. I couldn’t go to the soda jerk without getting deep-dicked and filled to the brim with piping hot jizz. For a while, I even had two handsome young fellows pounding my hole at the same time.” At press time, Mooney had reportedly retrieved an old, faded photograph of her taking it from both ends to show her grandchildren.
Things You Should Never Say To An ICU Nurse #~# Your nurse is a trained professional who’s there to keep your diseased lungs working, not a waitress at Olive Garden.
Queen Strips Prince Andrew Of Royal And Military Titles Amid Sexual Assault Lawsuit #~# Buckingham Palace announced that Prince Andrew has been stripped of his military titles and charities, a day after a judge ruled a sexual abuse civil lawsuit against the Queen’s son could proceed. What do you think?
PGA Golfer Hoping To Hit The Office If Round Finishes Early #~# HONOLULU—Wiping the sweat from his head as he studied a baffling putt angle on the eighth green, PGA golfer Grant Fahey told reporters Friday that he was hoping to hit the office later if his round finished early. “It’s been a long week out on the links, but it’s all worth it to know that I can take off this hat and kick back with my buds on the fourth floor of the Mirabel Office Park,” said Fahey, who admitted that if he could make a go of it, he would be approving time sheets in an office every day of the week. “I don’t think I can pull a full eight hours after this, but even just an hour answering emails is worth it to blow off some steam. Breathing the recycled air, feeling the fluorescent lights on your skin, there’s nothing like it after hours and hours walking across grass and staring at the sun. Even if you don’t get any good work, it can just be fun to get drunk with your buddies in an office.” At press time, Fahey was lying to his wife and assuring her he was still on the links from a quiet corner in the copier room.
The Onion’s Guide To Web3 #~# Web3 is being called the future of the internet. But what is Web3, exactly? The Onion explains.
Wayfair Shopper Who Didn’t Read Dimensions Would Never Have Bought Sofa If She Knew It Was 300 Feet Tall #~# OLATHE, KS—Kicking herself for failing to read the product’s dimensions, local woman Annalisa Farrell told reporters Friday that she never would have bought her new Wayfair sofa had she known it was 300 feet tall. “Goddamnit, this is all my fault,” said Farrell, who threw up her arms in exasperation and groaned as she surveyed the unwanted 720-foot-wide sofa, noting the item looked “totally normal in the photos online.” “I guess the lamp they staged beside it must have been 500 feet tall, but that’s just what those guys do. Ugh, I feel so stupid! All this hassle just to scuff up the walls and punch a hole in the ceiling, I can’t believe it. This is going to ruin the value of my home.” At press time, Farrell added that worst of all, the item was really more of a loveseat than a sofa.
Lies Men Will Tell To Get You To Sleep With Them #~# Unfortunately, men are pigs who will say just about anything to trick you into sleeping with them. Here are lies you should definitely watch out for before going home with some random guy at a bar.
‘I Don’t Love You Anymore And I’m Taking The Kids’ Talk Goes Surprisingly Well #~# AKRON, OH—Relieved by his measured and accepting reaction, local woman Megan Sjogren told reporters Friday that the “I don’t love you anymore and I’m taking the kids” talk she had with her husband  went surprisingly well. “I was so nervous to look him in the eye and tell him, ‘I don’t love you anymore, and I haven’t loved you in a long, long time,’ but I don’t know what I was so worried about—he just smiled and nodded and said he totally got it, no big deal,” said Sjogren, who noted that her partner of 17 years with whom she shared two children even offered to load the bags into her car and give her some gas money for the drive to her sister’s house. “I had a whole list of talking points prepared about his drinking problem, his erratic behavior, and how our children deserved a better life. I even had one of my friends waiting outside in case things went wrong. But it turns out I didn’t need any of that at all. It’s funny, you can get so worked up about stuff, but at the end of the day, people are people. I’m just so glad I got that off my chest.” At press time, Sjogren’s husband had reportedly written her a check for half of their savings with the memo “Let me know if you need anything else.”
Hospital Unveils New Delivery Taprooms For Bonding With Newborn Over Couple Beers #~# DENVER—Calling the first 48 hours of a child’s life a critical period of parental development, the University of Colorado Hospital Birth Center announced the opening Thursday of its first delivery taprooms, in which parents can spend time bonding with newborns over a couple of beers. “Research shows that sitting down and getting to know each other while enjoying a good craft brew is crucial to the parent-child relationship and should occur immediately after birth,” chief of obstetrics Jacqueline Morgan said as she pointed out the carved oak bar, dartboards, and tasting flights that were available to parents and their newborns in the facilities she described as the future of both neonatal care and local brewing. “Not only can a double IPA and a basket of tots help you and your baby relax after a stressful birth experience, but it is a clinically proven treatment for postpartum depression. The delivery taprooms offer a rotating selection of in-house beers, buffalo wings with a variety of sauces, and a fully operational NICU. Our doctors recommend enjoying your first round before the umbilical cord is cut.” At press time, Morgan was overheard telling a woman in labor she would have to push harder if she didn’t want to miss her reservation for a tour of the adjacent brewing facility.
‘Hero Rat’ Who Detected Landmines In Cambodia Dies In Retirement #~# Magawa, an African giant pouched rat in Cambodia who received a prestigious award for his life-saving duty finding dozens of landmines left over from a civil war 30 years ago, has died in retirement at 8 years old. What do you think?
Insurance To Cover Costs Of At-Home Covid Tests Starting Saturday #~# The Department of Health and Human Services has announced that health insurers will be required to cover costs for over-the-counter, at-home Covid tests starting this Saturday, with each individual able to access eight tests a month for free. What do you think?
LAPD Cautions Residents To Look Out For Dozens Of Bullets Officers Sent Ricocheting Around City #~# LOS ANGELES—Warning Angelenos to hit the deck, now, the Los Angeles Police Department asked residents Thursday to be on the lookout for dozens of bullets that its officers had sent ricocheting around the city. “Due to credible reports that numerous rounds of ammunition from our service weapons are now ping-ponging back and forth across Greater Los Angeles, we urge everyone to remain on high alert and take cover wherever possible,” said Police Chief Michel Moore, explaining that constant vigilance was necessary to avoid being struck by one of the many police bullets bouncing off L.A. walls, ceilings, doors, streets, vehicles, trees, storefronts, playgrounds, office buildings, and churches. “Please keep your head down as you go about your activities, whether you’re at work, in school, or running errands, as nowhere is safe from the department-issued firearms that appear to have discharged all across town. While I have ordered officers to shoot any bullets they encounter on sight, it seems only to have made the problem worse.” At press time, Moore gave his preemptive condolences for all the innocent lives that would be lost from continued stray police fire.
LA Fitness Mandates All Members Entering Gyms Must Be Fully Vaccinated Or Tougher And Faster Than Guy Checking Cards #~# IRVINE, CA—Announcing a new policy with strict guidelines, LA Fitness unveiled a mandate Thursday that all members entering its gyms must be fully vaccinated against Covid-19 or tougher and faster than the guy checking cards. “Either you must show proof of your vaccination against the coronavirus or be able to plow right through several members of our staff,” read the new policy from the gym chain, which clarified that unvaccinated members could only enter with a negative PCR test in the previous 24 hours or if they were so big and strong that staff were too scared to mess with them. “Whether it’s Moderna, Pfizer, Johnson & Johnson, or ducking under the staff member’s arm, pushing another to the ground, and evading capture by our security team, you can come on in. This policy will keep all of our valued LA Fitness members safe by preventing entrance by any unvaccinated people who can’t outrun the door guy or stun a guard in a single punch.” LA Fitness is only one of many companies moving toward stricter vaccine mandates of late, including Chili’s, which now only permits entry to customers who are vaccinated or who can scarf down an entire three-course meal in the time it takes a staff member to ask for their card.
CDC Announces Plan To Send Every U.S. Household Pamphlet On Probabilistic Thinking #~# ATLANTA—Stressing that the effort represented the best chance of ensuring American make responsible  choices around the pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and  Prevention announced Thursday that it planned to send every U.S.  household a pamphlet on probabilistic thinking and decision-making.  “What we’re hoping to do is give every American a quick refresher on  how to use statistical analysis to assess their priors and make Bayesian  inferences, thereby ensuring they overcome their innate psychological  biases—simple stuff, but important nonetheless,” said CDC director  Rochelle Walensky, estimating that the  pamphlets’ lessons on the baseline fallacy alone would save far  more lives than mask-wearing, handwashing, and the Covid-19 vaccine  combined. “Obviously, most everyone in the nation has already at least  skimmed the seminal studies of psychologist Danny Kahneman on the  fallibility of human thinking. So the pamphlet will skip over some of  the basic stuff like the availability heuristic and head straight to  prospect theory. Hopefully none of this feels too patronizing.” Walensky added that if Americans took away one easy lesson from the pamphlet,  she hoped it would be P(H|E) = (P(E|H) *P(H))/P(E).
Eric Adams Appoints Deputy Patsy For All Future Corruption Probes #~# NEW YORK—Newly elected New York City mayor Eric Adams continued to fill integral positions in his administration Thursday when he reportedly appointed a deputy patsy for all future corruption probes. “I’ve known Wendell Baez for years, he has a great track record of taking the fall for elected officials through all stratas of city government, and I know he’ll do well in this position,” said Adams, adding that the newly appointed deputy patsy would be leading a small team to take the fall for all future investigations into Adams for misappropriating funds, political patronage, and nepotism. “Mr. Baez will be working hand in hand with my administration to get out ahead of any potential corruption probe by installing people loyal to me in the district attorney’s office, as well as in any federal investigation team. Because of that, he’ll be well-positioned to take the fall when illicit arrangements come to light while I keep my nose clean. New Yorkers can rest assured that this administration intends to do everything we can to maintain plausible deniability and transfer blame onto someone else.” The deputy patsy was only one of several new Adams hires making waves, although the new mayor had been criticized for promoting several current mid-level city officials to members of his immediate family.
The Onion’s 1-Second Workout #~# Committing to a regular exercise regimen can be challenging, but even just a short burst of physical activity can help keep you healthy and fit. Follow The Onion’s 1-second workout to keep your body in peak physical condition.
Social Media Mistakes That Could Definitely Cost You Your Job #~# The internet is supposed to be for procrastinating doing your job, not getting fired from it. Unless you want to get in some serious trouble, avoid making any of the following social media mistakes.
Newly Uncovered Manuscript Reveals China Invented English Language 700 Years Before Western World #~# BEIJING—Shedding new light on the origins of the world’s most popular language, an international team of linguists announced Thursday that a newly uncovered manuscript confirms China invented both spoken and written English 700 years before the Western world. “These remarkably well-preserved bamboo slips appear to show that Zhou dynasty scholars developed the English tongue as far back as the third century BC, long before the language arose in Britain,” said Li Zhang, a professor of comparative linguistics who examined the text, which outlines the alphabet and basic grammar rules of English, in addition to including the first known uses of words such as “barbecue” and “philanthropy.” “By the time Anglo–Saxons began cobbling together their language from Latin, French, and Germanic sources, the Chinese had already mastered it. There are even some passages in this manuscript that appear eerily similar to the work of Shakespeare, though they are of far superior quality.” Li went on to explain that the Chinese gradually abandoned the English language, finding its 26-letter alphabet too limiting and opting instead for the convenience of Mandarin’s more than 50,000 characters.
Study: More Parents Opting For One Big Baby Over Multi-Child Household #~# HYATTSVILLE, MD—In what has emerged as an increasingly popular parenting option, a new study released Wednesday by the National Center for Health Statistics has found that more parents are declining to have multiple children in favor of having just one big baby and stopping there. “Many of the parents surveyed realized they were better suited to care for a single giant newborn rather than trying to raise to two or more standard-sized kids born over a period of several years,” said study co-author Martin Graywolf, citing data that showed the trend was often favored by parents who grew up in large families and were never able to command the same attention as a lone, massive infant that grows larger and larger by the day and causes the entire house to shake when clapping its hands in delight. “While one enormous baby can consume the same quantity of resources needed to keep six or seven regular children alive—requiring pounds of food to be shoveled into its screaming mouth almost hourly, not to mention specialty diapers—parents seem to be motivated less by household finances and more by the opportunity to give all their affection to an ungainly, towering only child. Overall, parents said they were grateful for the uninterrupted quality time, which they mostly used to keep their colossal infant’s elephantine hands from destroying their home, to mop up its spittle, and to operate the forklift required to tuck it into bed.” At press time, a competing report contradicted the study’s findings by predicting more millennial parents would  opt for having dozens of miniature children they could conveniently keep in their pockets as they go about their days.
L.A. Police Officers Fired For Playing Pokémon GO During Active Robbery #~# An appeals court has upheld the firing of two Los Angeles police officers who ignored a call requesting backup to the scene of a nearby robbery so that they could pursue a Pokémon GO virtual game character. What do you think?
Poet Maya Angelou Becomes First Black Woman To Be Featured On U.S. Quarter #~# The U.S. Mint has begun shipping out the first quarters featuring prominent women in American history, beginning with poet, writer, and activist Maya Angelou, the first Black woman to appear on the coin. What do you think?
Things Never To Say To Someone With A Breakthrough Case Of Covid #~# In the era of the novel coronavirus, it can be difficult to know how to discuss infections with family, friends, and coworkers, and that’s become even more true with the recent rise of breakthrough cases. Here are some serious faux pas to avoid when talking to someone with a breakthrough case of Covid-19.
Shitty Music Has Helped Moron Through Hardest Times In His Pointless Life #~# CLEVELAND—Praising the incredible healing power of terrible art, local moron Todd Beram credited shitty music with helping him through some of the hardest times in his pointless life, sources confirmed Wednesday. “During some of my lowest moments, when I feel like I just want to disappear or that I can’t possibly go on, I always put on my favorite record, and for a moment, everything feels all right,” said Beram, the absolute fool of a man, who stated  he felt “less alone” knowing that millions of other drooling idiots had taken comfort listening to the same insufferable songs for decades. “Whenever I hear those lyrics, it’s like someone’s reading my mind. It gives me so much strength knowing someone’s gone through the exact same struggles I have.” At press time, the 34-year-old dipshit added that he would go so far as to say  the Smiths had saved his life.
Wishing A Happy 20-Year Anniversary To Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp #~# The Guantánamo Bay detention camp in Cuba welcomed its first detainees 20 years ago, inaugurating one of the most controversial elements of the U.S. war on terror. The Onion celebrates the first 20 years of the Gitmo.
Breakthrough Procedure Allows Surgeons To Transplant Pig Rib Directly Into Human Mouth #~# BALTIMORE—Hailing the new treatment as a breakthrough in medical techniques, surgeons at the University of Baltimore announced Wednesday that they had successfully developed a new procedure  to transplant a pig rib into a human mouth. “The way the procedure works is we remove the rib from a pig, brush it with a specially formulated vinegar or mustard-based sauce that significantly increases the chance of success, and finally install it in the host mouth,” said Dr. Jeffrey Clements, adding that his team had observed relatively few cases in which the rib was rejected, especially if the donation was rubbed in a blend of smoked paprika, garlic powder, coffee grounds, brown sugar, and a little cayenne for kick. “Of course, there are some side effects, such as sleepiness and slight bloating in patients. We also observed procedures in which the rib transplant actually worked too well and recipients immediately demanded another one. Overall, though, this is a huge advance that’s going to help millions struggling with chronic hunger.” Clements added that his team was only getting started and hoped to have a pork loin transplanted into a human mouth by the end of 2022.
Dolphins Have Fully Functioning Clitoris, Study Finds #~# New research has found that female dolphins, who copulate throughout the year as a way to forge and maintain social bonds, have a fully functional clitoris with sensory nerves and erectile bodies that help them experience pleasure during sex, just as it does for humans. What do you think?
Dying Dad Wondering If You Hit Traffic On Way To Hospital #~# BETHLEHEM, PA—Pausing between each labored word as his family gathered  around him, local dying dad Phil Piermont was reportedly wondering Wednesday if you  hit traffic on your way to the hospital. “Did you take 22? It’s a little  congested by the exit, right?” said your father, taking a deep breath to push  through the pain and suggest you take the earlier exit unless it was  after 8 p.m. “What did it take? Twenty minutes? Twenty-five? Those navigation apps never  send you the right directions. Hold on.  They  always assume the highway is the fastest. Come closer. Please tell me  you won’t get caught in that mess on 191 on the way home.” At press time, reports confirmed your dad had asked you to look after your mother and make sure she  remembered to get her parking validated.
Bank Hostages Whining As If They Not Getting Whole Day Off Work #~# NEW YORK—Refusing to maintain a good attitude and make the most of the situation,  hostages at a midtown branch of People’s United Bank reportedly spent Wednesday whining as if  they weren’t getting the whole day off work. “Jeez, I understand that  getting tied up and thrown in the vault might be a little annoying, but  these people are essentially getting a paid vacation from what seemed  like a pretty ho-hum job,” said local bank robber Angelo Hurston, questioning why  the hostages continued to whimper and complain hours into the armed standoff, despite the  police sending in takeout and thereby giving the entire staff  what amounted to an all-expenses-paid office party. “I also don’t get why they keep telling me they have children. They wouldn’t be seeing them during work  hours, anyway, so that’s no reason to burst into tears. Sheesh. This guard  here gets to spend the entire day unconscious on the floor. I mean,  that’s the dream, isn’t it?” At press time, sources confirmed that Hurston had decided he  would start executing one of the hostages every hour to see if that  helped put the rest in a more positive mood.
Robert Durst, Real Estate Heir Convicted Of Murder, Dies #~# Robert Durst, the New York millionaire convicted of murdering his best friend 20 years ago and who has been linked to his wife’s unsolved disappearance in 1982, has died three months after being sentenced to life in prison. What do you think?
Fact Sheet: Curing Your Covid-19 With Urine #~# Christopher Key, the leader of the “Vaccine Police” organization that opposes Covid-19 vaccinations, recently shared that drinking urine could cure coronavirus. As the world’s leading nonpartisan news source, The Onion strives to give our readers the facts and let them decide what is true. Here’s a fact sheet answering common questions about curing your Covid-19 with urine therapy.
Gates Foundation Sues Thousands Of Charities For Infringing On Trademark Concept Of Philanthropy #~# SEATTLE—Seeking damages from its competitors totaling tens of billions of dollars, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation reportedly filed a lawsuit  Tuesday against thousands of charities for infringing on its trademark concept of philanthropy. “It has unfortunately come to our attention that there are charitable organizations across the globe that have been attempting to help people, a clear and unmistakable violation of our 2004 patent  on the  concept of philanthropic giving,” the foundation wrote in a court filing against more than 5,000 organizations, including Doctors Without Borders, the Breast Cancer Research Foundation, Helen Keller International, the National Wildlife Federation, Prevent Child Abuse America, the National Alliance to End Homelessness, the Trevor Project, and the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. “These organizations must cease and desist all attempts at charity immediately. Only the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is allowed to give food and medical aid to Africa, or help poor kids. Ultimately, we hope this lawsuit will force our competitors to shutter their doors and stop them from flooding the market with cheap knockoff ideas about how to help people. These kinds of intellectual property protections are essential; otherwise, anyone could be giving money to people in need.” The Gates Foundation also announced that it was pursuing legal action against black-market philanthropic givers violating their trademarks by donating blood or giving a couple bucks to a homeless person.
Worst Things To Tell Someone Who’s Retiring #~# Retirement can be an exciting moment for coworkers, friends, or family, but it’s also a time filled with anxieties about what the future holds. Here are some common pitfalls to avoid when talking to an acquaintance about their upcoming retirement.
Cemetery Staff Assures Family Grandpa Buried Around Here Somewhere #~# EUGENE, OR—Promising to locate the loved one’s final resting place right away, the staff at Sacred Heart Cemetery assured a local family that their grandfather was buried around here somewhere, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure he’s gotta be in one of these sections over here,” said Lewis Benson, the cemetery’s manager, flipping through various grave plot charts while asking around to see if any other employees had seen the deceased patriarch’s headstone recently. “Are you sure you didn’t mean to say grandma? Because we do have a woman by that name. No? Okay… Hmm… Did you opt for an unmarked grave by chance? Don’t worry he’s definitely underground somewhere.” After failing to locate the grave site, Benson reportedly offered the family a replacement grandfather free of charge.
San Francisco Skyscraper Tilting 3 Inches Per Year #~# Engineers are rushing to stabilize San Francisco’s Millennium Tower, a 58-story, 645-foot tall luxury residential skyscraper that has been sinking into the ground by three inches per year, and is now leaning over two feet off of center. What do you think?
Journalist Worried He’s Becoming The Story In His Sponsored Air Purifier Review #~# NEW YORK—Struggling to remain detached from his subject matter, local journalist James Malvern was reportedly worried Tuesday that he was becoming the story in his sponsored air purifier review. “While I set out to write a simple recommendation of the Air Fine 2700 to our readers, I couldn’t help but start interrogating my own personal relationship to germs and dander,” said Malvern, explaining that he no longer felt any kind of objectivity was possible in his paid blog post, which had turned into a meditation on his subjective experience with the filtration product written in the style of such New Journalism luminaries as Truman Capote, Joan Didion, and Gay Talese. “I’m afraid I’m too close to all this now to be a neutral observer. The story is about more than just a machine that effectively removes up to 97% of airborne particles, including pollen and mold spores—it’s about who cleans up all the dust and decay the American empire leaves behind in its wake.” At press time, sources confirmed Malvern had submitted a 50,000-word draft and was immediately fired.
Man Horrified After Genealogy Test Confirms He Has No Past #~# MIDWEST CITY, OK—Expressing shock after the laboratory report listed his origin as simply “N/A,” local resident Greg Hurt confirmed he was completely horrified Tuesday after a genealogy test confirmed he did not have a past. “No…it can’t…it can’t be—I come from nowhere?” Hurt said as he scanned his results from the personal genomics service 23andMe, which stated that its databases included nothing remotely close to his DNA, suggesting he possessed no discernible cultural, ethnic, or biological heritage of any kind. “This must be a mistake. It literally says my genetic makeup is unrecognizable and does not indicate any possible ancestry on any continent anywhere in the world. But I had to get here somehow, right?” At press time, Hurt had reportedly attempted to call his parents to get answers before realizing he couldn’t recall having any parents.
Report: Majority Of Men In Hard Hat, Coveralls Actually Members Of Heist Team In Disguise #~# PRINCETON, NJ—Upending the common perception that such workers are just going about a normal day on the job, a report published Monday by researchers at Princeton University found that the majority of men wearing a hard hat and coveralls are actually members of a heist team in disguise. “Nearly seven in 10 construction workers hauling equipment on the sidewalk are, in fact, carrying out an elaborate caper with a motley crew of con men, each of whom possesses a highly specialized skill necessary to pull off the job,” the report read in part, adding that 75% of windowless cargo vans on city streets are full of surveillance equipment, while 82% of walkie-talkie transmissions are used to update a criminal mastermind on the progress of “the big score.”  “Though it may seem as if these men are merely engaged in honest manual labor, they are in reality orchestrating a daring, brilliantly planned robbery of a nearby bank vault, casino, or museum. The data also suggests that any waiters or valets in their vicinity are almost always in on the job and receiving a cut of the loot.” The report went on to state that 96% of people double-parked on the street are, upon further inspection, getaway drivers anxiously waiting for their accomplices to arrive.
Covid Vaccinations Quadruple In Quebec Ahead Of Liquor, Cannabis Store Restrictions #~# Quebec officials have reported the number of first-dose appointments for Covid-19 vaccines have quadrupled after announcing that vaccination passports will be required to enter liquor and cannabis stores. What do you think?
Questions To Ask Yourself Before Starting A New Fad Diet #~# Embarking on the road to weight loss can be a tough endeavor. With the number of diets increasing daily, it’s important to discover which is the right one for you before spending valuable time, energy, and money. Here are the most important questions to ask before starting a new fad diet.
Chess App Allows Man To Waste Time On Phone But In Smart Way #~# BOSTON—Describing how the phone game had succeeded where others had failed, local man Peter Bolton told reporters Friday that the app Chess Ace allowed him to waste time on his phone but in a smart way. “It’s great, because instead of opening up some dumb app like Clash Of Clans, I now have a higher-brow option when it comes to putting off work, zoning out on the subway, or just killing a couple of hours in the evenings before bed,” said Bolton, explaining that he loved how using the application to learn the intricacies of chess let him fritter away the precious, irreplaceable moments of his finite existence in a slightly brainier manner. “I used to feel self-conscious when coworkers saw me playing Candy Crush Saga. But when they see me loading up a round of chess, they know I’m a guy who has taste and sophistication when it comes to his choice of fundamentally worthless pursuits. That’s always nice.” At press time, sources confirmed Bolton was promoted on the spot after his boss saw him putting his computer opponent’s piece in check during a morning meeting.
Man Tries To Regain Sense Of Control In Chaotic Universe By Learning To Juggle #~# BUFFALO, NY—Hoping to hold onto some semblance of purpose in an unfeeling void, local man Craig Ulrich reportedly tried to regain his sense of control in a chaotic universe Monday by learning to juggle. According to sources, in a desperate attempt to combat the inherent entropy and confusion that governs the cosmos, and grasp any shred of his agency that might remain, the 33-year-old started tossing two tennis balls up and down in the air and catching them in the same hand to get a feel for the activity. Several reports confirmed that through the use of YouTube tutorials, Ulrich eventually worked his way up to three tennis balls as part of his frantic bid to impose some sort of order in a world that tended only toward anarchy, decay, and doom. At press time, after realizing he was powerless to get four balls in the air at once, a crestfallen Craig Ulrich was seen listlessly returning to his old hobby of riding over Niagara Falls in a barrel.    
Walgreens Pharmacist Far Too Chipper Not To Be Selling Painkillers On The Side #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Noticing the unusually cheerful tone in the voice of the employee behind the pickup counter, customer Janelle Ramos told reporters Monday that a pharmacist at her local Walgreens appeared far too chipper not to be selling painkillers on the side. “He seems genuinely happy to be here, so you just have to assume he’s making a ton of cash on the street by moving all the Percocet and Vicodin he steals from this place,” said Ramos, who added that the pharmacist’s sincere smile could not possibly have come from the legitimate career in which he must deal with an endless stream of people who are upset that their prescriptions aren’t ready yet or that their insurance has not been processed correctly. “Probably fentanyl, too, because it’s got to be some serious money for him to be acting this polite to everybody and not at all like he hates his job and wants to kill himself in the bathroom on his next break.” Later, when the pharmacist picked up the phone and a look of heartfelt concern spread across his face, Ramos explained that he had probably just received a tip that the drugstore was about to be raided by federal agents. 
Scientists Name Endangered Tree After Leonardo DiCaprio #~# Scientists in London have honored Leonardo DiCaprio by naming an endangered tree after him, stating that the actor “was crucial in helping to stop the logging” of the Cameroon rainforest where it grows. What do you think?
Pope Chides ‘Selfish’ Couples Who Choose Pets Over Children #~# Stating that it “takes away our humanity,” Pope Francis made comments criticizing the selfishness of couples who choose to have dogs and cats instead of children. What do you think?
Worst Traffic Jams Of All Time #~# Hundreds of drivers in Virginia were stuck for almost 24 hours earlier this week after a multi-truck crash was exacerbated by a blizzard. The Onion looks back at the worst traffic jams of all time.
Man Gives Himself Little Treat For Getting Through Day #~# TRENTON,  NJ—Saying it would be a nice way to unwind after a grueling eight hours  at work, local man Patrick McCormick reportedly gave himself a little  treat Wednesday for getting through the day. “Man, it’s really great to  take the edge off with a nice little treat after a total slog like today,” said McCormick, who stressed that knowing he had his treat  to look forward to was all that kept him going through the grind of work  meetings, commuting, and general exhaustion. “I have this whole ritual  that makes it a little more fun. It’s silly, but, hey, you do what you  need to do. Usually, I like to start the day by giving myself a little treat in the morning, too.”  After additional consideration, McCormick concluded that today had been  such a drag he might even give himself a second little treat later in  the evening. 
Congress Preparing For Another January 6 By Enrolling In Group Karate Class #~# WASHINGTON—Nervously fiddling with their new white belts as they waited for their instructor in the training hall, U.S. Congress members  reportedly prepared for another Jan. 6 on Thursday by participating in a group class at the D.C.-area True Method Karate Studio. “We simply cannot allow what happened last year to ever repeat itself, which is why from now on we’ll be meeting up once a week to study the martial art of karate with Howard-sensei,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, who stood barefoot on the dōjō mat among his fellow lawmakers, practicing making a seiken proper fist before moving through a variety of basic  stances. “After last Jan. 6, we just felt so powerless and humiliated. This will be a great way to not only gain back our confidence, but be ready to defend ourselves with kicks, punches, and blocks in the event there’s ever another insurrection. Plus, it’s a whole lot of fun!” At press time, sources confirmed the class was seething with envy after Sen. John Hickenlooper (D-CO) became the first to receive his yellow belt.
CES Presenter Strangled By Tree Root As Nature Begins Revolt Against Technological Domination #~# WINCHESTER, NV—In a turn of events that sent attendees and tech reporters fleeing in terror, sources confirmed Consumer Electronics Show presenter Adam Pawlak was  strangled to death by a tree root Friday as nature revolted against 10,000 years of human technological domination. Witnesses confirmed that Pawlak had  begun to introduce Samsung’s new QLED 8K display technology when the  root of an oak tree burst through the stage’s floor, wrapped itself around his neck, and crushed his windpipe. A thick branch then reportedly skewered his limp corpse from anus to mouth and raised it into the air in an apparent demonstration of Mother Nature’s return to global supremacy. Sources added that attempts to escape nature’s punishment for the hubris of human innovation were quickly  foiled as panicked spectators found the exits blocked by razor-sharp thorns and brambles. Various birds of prey are then believed to have ambushed those in attendance by smashing through the conference center’s windows and pecking out the eyes of screaming technology enthusiasts, while thousands of raccoons, bees, snakes, and jaguars streamed into the building and began ripping away at any human flesh in their path. At press time, authorities reported finding no survivors after entering the eerily silent Las Vegas Convention Center to find heaping piles of desiccated corpses entirely overgrown with fungi.
2022 Grammy Awards Postponed #~# Grammy organizers have announced that the award show, originally slated for Jan. 31, will be rescheduled for an undetermined later date, citing “the uncertainty surrounding the Omicron variant.” What do you think?
Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’ #~# WASHINGTON—In a stirring speech at the U.S. Capitol Thursday morning, President Joe Biden vowed not to forget the lessons of the Jan. 6 riot, urging Americans to hang former Vice President Mike Pence. “We stand here today to declare that we will not back down in the face of tyranny, and we will gut the traitor Pence limb from limb for the way he turned on President Trump,” said Biden, who spent nearly 10 minutes of his prepared remarks encouraging the crowd to chant “Hang Mike Pence! Hang Mike Pence!” along with him. “What can we learn from the events of Jan. 6? The enduring lesson here is that we must drag Mike Pence from his home and string him up from the rafters for all to see. Where was he when his president needed him most? Where was he when the true patriots needed his help to stop the steal? The only way to heal this divided nation is to unite around the shared cause of killing Mike Pence for his many failures as vice president. God bless this country, and God bless you all.” Biden was then seen departing the Capitol with a pistol, vowing to take revenge on Mike Pence himself.
Must-Read Reflections On The January 6 Capitol Riot #~# It’s been one year since supporters of then-President Donald Trump breached the U.S. Capitol in an effort to overturn his 2020 election loss, and pretty much everyone has thoughts about it. The Onion sifts through the many Jan. 6 essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile reflections on what that day means for America.
Virginia Motorists Stuck On I-95 For Harrowing 24 Hours #~# A snowstorm stranded Virginia motorists on Interstate 95 for more than 24 hours, forcing hundreds to spend the night in their cars amid freezing temperatures, some with little to no food or water. What do you think?
Lost Journal Entry Reveals Lewis And Clark Nearly Turned Back After Tripping Over Tree Root #~# WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the early trials the famed explorers encountered on their sojourn across the American West, a lost journal entry acquired Thursday by the Smithsonian Institution reveals that Meriwether Lewis and William Clark nearly turned back after tripping over a tree root. “In our observations of the newly acquired territory, we have noticed that this land sucks, a fucking tree root fucked up my ankle, and we want to go home,” reads the entry from Clark, who describes how Shoshone guide Sacagawea had to convince the exploration party to keep going after Lewis and Clark both “ate shit” on a gnarled root that was obscured by brush. “It has come to our attention that someone else should probably look for the Northwest Passage, because we’re covered in dirt and mud, my big toe is completely swollen, and we’re being eaten alive by bugs. This whole expedition is bullshit.” The entry concludes with Clark making the case that President Thomas Jefferson’s “privileged ass” should explore the Louisiana Territory if he thought it was so great.
‘The Onion’ Remembers Betty White #~# Betty White died on Dec. 31, 2021, after an entertainment career spanning seven decades. The Onion looks back at the most memorable moments from her star-studded life.
U.S. Democracy Under Siege After Tech Lobbyist Invites Some Senators To Dinner #~# WASHINGTON—In what both ordinary citizens and experts agreed was a threat to the nation’s political system, American democracy  reportedly came under siege Thursday after a tech lobbyist invited some senators to dinner. “Rarely do we see such a brazen attack on our democratic values, and yet we could only watch in  shock and horror as a paid representative for several biotech firms entered Charlie Palmer Steak with three U.S. senators for a sumptuous five-course meal,” said political scientist Monica Turley, adding that the vicious assault on representative self-government was compounded by the fact that U.S. intelligence officials had done nothing to address it, despite records showing that the dinner reservation had been in place for months. “Only in a country where democracy is in  real danger could we see the lobbyist for a private interest discussing wine pairings with sitting members of Congress. What’s even more frightening is how shameless this attempt on our democracy was: Any passerby could have seen these individuals openly plotting how they would split up the seared foie gras and heirloom tomato salad. Ultimately, we may look back at the dinner of Jan. 6, 2022, as the beginning of the complete breakdown of the contract between the government and its people.” Political experts were at a loss for how to address this blatant threat to democracy, adding that virtually no one in any U.S. government institution seemed capable of doing anything to prevent the group from ordering dessert.
Man Can’t Help But Be Proud Of Strong Tortilla Chip #~# SHREWSBURY, MA—Praising the corn-based product’s tenacity and refusal to give up, local man Noah Hiatt told reporters Thursday that he couldn’t help but be proud of a strong tortilla chip. “I’m not taking it easy on this guy, but he just goes on shouldering this weight no matter how many nacho toppings I pile on,” said Hiatt, growing visibly emotional as he emphasized that most tortilla chips would crumble under the pressure of ground beef, melted cheddar cheese, tomatoes, and pickled jalapeños before singling out this particular chip for its inspiring resiliency. “When I dug into the sour cream, I thought for sure he was going to fall apart. That’s my mistake. I never should have underestimated the resolve of this hardy chip. Now I understand that this tortilla chip is an example to us all.” At press time, Hiatt was screaming in pain after a sharp corner of the chip broke off mid-bite and became lodged in his gums.
NHL Staffer Cancer-Free After Fan Spots Dangerous Mole On Neck #~# A Seattle Kraken fan was thanked with a $10,000 medical school scholarship for saving the life of a Vancouver Canucks equipment manager after she pressed a note to the plexiglass warning that the mole on his neck looked cancerous. What do you think?
J.K. Rowling Apologizes For Not Making It Clear That Ron Weasley Is The Anti-Semitic Caricature #~# EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Saying she could only express her heartfelt remorse to any fans who felt misled, author J.K. Rowling apologized Wednesday for not making it clear that the character Ron Weasley was her intended anti-Semitic caricature in the Harry Potter series. “Obviously, I’ve always portrayed Ron as a lowly schemer who’s trying to rise above his proper station in the wizarding world, and I thought those traits alone would convey that he represented the failed Jewish people,” said the famed writer, conceding that she should have done more in early books such as The Sorcerer’s Stone and The Chamber Of Secrets to highlight the redheaded wizard’s role in the series as a stereotypical rendering of Jews. “Also, the number of Weasley siblings was supposed to symbolize the common fear that Jewry might ultimately replace Christendom. I’m deeply sorry to those who misunderstood my original intent.” Rowling went on to stress that the goblins in her series were clearly supposed to be anti-Asian caricatures.
Toddler Dies In Accidental Shooting After Finding Father’s Gun Under Pile Of Guns #~# DEL CITY, OK—Calling the incident a tragedy that could have easily been prevented, authorities announced Wednesday that a local 2-year-old had died  in an accidental shooting after discovering his father’s gun hidden under a pile of guns. “Our hearts go out to the family of the child who lost his life in this horrible tragedy, which might have been averted if only the father had locked his firearm away instead of storing it beneath a small heap of other firearms,” said Del City Police Department spokesman Roy Allen, describing how the toddler, whose name is being withheld, discovered the loaded Glock 9 mm pistol in his family’s gun closet  at the bottom of a cache of  loaded handguns, AR-15s, and Remington pump-action shotguns. “You can only imagine what was going through the parents’ minds when they heard a shot from upstairs and both dropped their guns to go see what had happened. It’s unfortunate, because the father clearly believed he was doing the right thing by storing his pistol out of sight under his other pistols. But things like this can happen if you don’t  stow your weapons safely beneath something larger, like a rocket-propelled grenade launcher or shoulder-fired antiaircraft missile.” Reached for comment, representatives from the National Rifle Association urged parents to practice firearm safety by having a frank talk with their children about how they would kill them if they ever touched their guns.
Authorities Recruit Jared Fogle From Prison To Help Bring Down Horrifying New Subway Steak ‘Cali Fresh’ Sandwich #~# JEFFERSON COUNTY, CO—Tapping the convicted pedophile and former Subway spokesperson to aid in their efforts, authorities reportedly recruited Jared Fogle from prison Wednesday in order to help bring down the horrifying new Subway Steak “Cali Fresh” sandwich. “We know you’ve done some bad, bad shit in the past, but we need your help with a sandwich-related matter,” said Officer Logan Orlando, explaining that despite Fogle’s past indiscretions with children, no one had the skills and knowledge necessary to dispatch an appalling sandwich as efficiently as him. “I’ll be frank, Mr. Fogle, you make me sick. You’ve done and said some fucked up things, but dammit, we need you. If you don’t take down this atrocious sandwich, millions of lives will be at stake. Too many innocent people could succumb to that foul multigrain bread; dry, crumbling steak; and nasty-ass brown avocado. Should you choose to accept this mission, your giant, oversized pants will be waiting for you outside.” At press time, sources confirmed a fleeing Fogle cackled while revealing that he had been working with the sandwich all along.
Elizabeth Holmes Found Guilty On 4 Counts of Fraud #~# A jury found Elizabeth Holmes, the 37-year-old founder of blood-testing startup Theranos, guilty of four out of 11 federal charges, including three counts of wire fraud and one count of conspiracy to commit wire fraud. What do you think?
Things That Soldier Has Seen Will Haunt Him For Rest Of Afternoon #~# BAGHDAD—Staring into the middle distance as the day’s atrocities replayed in his head, U.S. Army Pfc. Jake Citterton told reporters Friday that he had seen things he feared would haunt him for the rest of the afternoon. “The blood, the screaming, the looks on the children’s faces—I don’t know if I’m going to be able to eat lunch,” said Citterton, the acts of unforgivable violence he had witnessed earlier that day reportedly leaving him nearly speechless, such that he only broke the silence that hung in the air to ask what time it was or if anybody wanted to play some Xbox later that evening. “I’ll definitely have dinner, though. Everyone knows I can’t resist a good spaghetti and meatballs night. But who knows if I’ll be able to finish it?” At press time, sources confirmed Citterton’s period of outright horror had been extended by 20 minutes after he committed another human rights abuse.
Zoo Visitors Impressed By Number Of Animals Willing To Eat Change #~# NAPLES, FL—Delighting at the chance to interact up close with the wildlife, visitors to the Naples Zoo confirmed Wednesday they were impressed by the number of animals on the premises that were willing to eat loose change. “I was pleasantly surprised by how many of these guys will just munch on whatever I have in my pocket,” said first-time visitor Frank Brown, tossing a handful of assorted coins into the African grassland habitat in order to “watch the antelopes go nuts trying to eat it.” “Look at them, it’s like dimes are their favorite food! Pretty much all of the animals here in the savanna exhibit will gulp them right down. A lot of these creatures will even come up to you and eat the pennies straight out of your palm. Try it! I knew the giraffes would go for it for sure—they’ll eat anything—but I was surprised the sea lions did too. They started fighting over that CVS receipt like it was a fish.” At press time, Brown was reportedly ecstatic to discover an equally enjoyable zoo activity in screaming at the sleeping zebras to wake up.
FDA Approves First Injectable HIV Prevention Drug #~# For the first time, the Food and Drug Administration has approved a long-acting injectable medication that can be administered every two months as a pre-exposure prophylaxis (or PrEP) against HIV, providing an alternative to daily pills. What do you think?
‘Trevor’ Tops List Of 2021’s Most Popular Bridge Names #~# WASHINGTON—According to new data released Tuesday by the U.S. Department of Transportation, Trevor topped the  list of 2021’s most popular bridge names. “For the first time in our nation’s history, Trevor became America’s leading bridge name, finally surpassing Jim, which had enjoyed a brief three-year reign,” said department spokesperson Corrie Schramm, who stated that over 10,000 overpasses, viaducts, and trestles across the country had been designated Trevor—or Trev, for short—in the past calendar year. “This annual round-up is also an amazing reflection of how our culture has changed. For example, just 30 or 40 years ago, you would never have seen a Hispanic name in the top 50, but now Jorge has risen up to number nine. Also, a few years ago, we were seeing many Americans naming bridges after Game Of Thrones characters, but now far more Succession-inspired names are popping up.” At press time, Schramm added that Clementine was the top female bridge name of 2021.
Republican Party To Pay $1.6 Million Of Trump’s Legal Bills #~# The Republican Party is putting $1.6 million toward helping former President Trump pay for “certain legal expenses that relate to politically motivated legal proceedings waged against” him. What do you think?
Stranded Driver Kicking Self For Eating Entire Hitchhiker Before Getting Stuck In Snowstorm #~# STAFFORD, VA—Frustrated by his failure to properly plan for the massive traffic jam along I-95, local driver Ken Boswell was reportedly kicking himself Tuesday for eating the entire hitchhiker he had picked up  before  getting stuck in last night’s snowstorm. “I wish I had checked the weather and known what I was getting into, because I could have easily rationed out his meat over the last 20 hours,” said Boswell, who admitted to gorging himself on the 235-pound middle-aged hitchhiker after picking him up from a rest station, slitting his throat, and butchering  him in his parked car. “I’m always like this—I never have self-control. After I finished the legs, I could have easily saved the guy’s marrow for later, but  I just couldn’t help myself. Now I’ve been sitting here all morning in this blizzard with nothing but some of his blood to drink and a little gristle to chew on. Plus, the bones are really starting to stink the car up.” At press time, a visibly relieved Boswell was rolling down his window as another stranded driver approached to ask if he had any water.
Rabbit Who Got Caught By Hawk Honestly Relieved It Can Finally Relax Now #~# EVANSTON, IL—Admitting that the anticipation had been the worst part, a local rabbit who was recently caught by a hawk confirmed Tuesday that it was in all honesty relieved it could finally just relax. “You know, you spend your whole life living in fear that one day this big catastrophe is going to happen to you, and then when it does, it’s actually kind of a relief,” said the rabbit, its punctured body dangling above the ground in the talons of a red-tailed hawk. “When you’re constantly in panic mode, your anxiety really starts to define you, and now it’s like a huge weight has left my shoulders. I’ve always been super tense, fearfully darting from bush to bush. I could never enjoy nibbling on clover without suddenly freaking out. Whoo! It’s funny to think about all the time I spent trying to avoid this exact situation, and yet, here we are. Ah well, I guess that’s why they say, ‘We plan, God laughs.’” At press time, the rabbit admitted that having its sinew torn from its flesh by a nest full of hawk chicks really wasn’t all that bad.
Excuses To Get Out Of Work That Bosses See Right Through #~# Your boss may be stupid, but they’re not that stupid. Here are common excuses people use to get out of work that management will see right through.
City Announces Construction Of 20 New Miles Of Secret Underground Tunnels For Vloggers To Explore #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Hoping to expand access to the important municipal resource, the city of San Francisco reportedly announced the construction of 20 new miles of secret underground tunnels Wednesday for vloggers to explore. “We are happy to announce that we’ve broken ground on a whole new system of spooky tunnels for YouTubers to mine for views,” said mayor London Breed, explaining that officials hoped to create a space that makes it easy for 17-year-olds with GoPros to make viral videos with titles like “we discover an ABANDONED tunnel (WARNING: creepy!).” “We are spending $120 million to outfit these new tunnels with rusty ladders, broken pipe fixtures, and ominous graffiti, in order to ensure they serve as the perfect grisly environment for creating content where someone blubbers ‘What was that, dude?!’ after hearing a strange sound. We’ll also be outfitting the underground passages with macabre easter eggs like a bloody hammer or an old set of baby clothes, so these vloggers have something dramatic to reveal to their subscribers after an ad break.” At press time, San Francisco offiicals announced plans to attract more vloggers by razing low income housing units to make space for 50 new abandoned insane asylums.
Paleontologists Discover Fossil Evidence Of Career-Oriented Dinosaur Who Froze Eggs #~# MEADE COUNTY, SD—In a first-of-its-kind discovery that suggests not all Cretaceous-period females prioritized the traditional goals of settling down and having children, paleontologists from Boston University announced Monday they had found fossil evidence of a career-oriented dinosaur who froze her eggs. “This Tyrannosaurus rex specimen is remarkable, because she provides us with proof that at least some of her kind favored their professional ambitions over producing viable offspring for the herd,” said Professor Greg Loeb, head of the team that excavated the fossilized remains of the dinosaur, which appeared not to have had a mate and to have been nearing the end of her fertility just as she started to hit her stride as a fearsome apex predator. “With the time it took her to hunt and work her way up the food chain, she likely had no choice but to delay parenthood and freeze her eggs until the right male came along. How was she supposed to have the energy to look after a bunch of hatchlings when she was busy all day using 12,000 pounds of bite force to crush the bones of her prey?” According to the paleontologists, the arrangement of fossils found at the site suggest the tyrannosaur was probably on her way to have her eggs thawed and fertilized for incubation when, along with most animal life on the planet, she was wiped out by a massive asteroid.
Study: Vaping Doubles Risk Of Erectile Dysfunction #~# A recent study has discovered that healthy men between the ages of 20 and 65 who vaped nicotine daily were more than twice as likely to report experiencing erectile dysfunction. What do you think?
Lies Fitness Trainers Tell Their Clients All The Time #~# They haven’t, and they’re absolutely panicking inside about what the fuck to do with you.
New Year’s Resolutions #~# Each year, Americans celebrate New Year’s Eve by resolving to change some aspect of their lives. What is your New Year’s resolution?
BREAKING: The Tower…The Chariot Reversed…And Death… #~# NEW YORK—Flipping over the cards you selected one by one, a breaking report issued Monday stated they showed the tower, the chariot reversed, and death, which sources confirmed would certainly lead to imminent, grave misfortune for you. “Beware, lost one, for the fortunes have turned against you,” said visibly rattled mystic sources, their eyes wide, bracing their hands on the table in terror before gasping, lighting a bundle of sage, and joining hands for a protection spell. “Cursed. Everywhere you go, disaster and upheaval shall follow. Leave…leave now, lest you lead the darkness here. You will doom us all, you fool—be gone! We banish thee!” At press time, the mystic sources confirmed the curse could be removed on sight for an additional $50.
Florida House Passes ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill #~# Florida’s House of Representatives passed the controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill, limiting when and how school staff can discuss gender and sexual orientation in the classroom, which opponents say will make life harder for LGBTQ youth, who already face a higher rate of bullying and risk of suicide than their straight, cisgender peers. What do you think?
Fancy Water Cooler At Hotel Has Fish Floating In It #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Stressing that the complimentary beverage was much classier  than just regular or sparkling water, local tourist Jonathan Riley told reporters Monday that the cooler at his upscale hotel had fish floating in it. “Oh, yeah, that’s delicious—it’s super subtle, but I’m definitely getting hints of goldfish, sea snail, and maybe even a little miniature crab,” said Riley, adding that it was definitely a nice touch to not only have an array of tropical fish, including clownfish and angelfish; but also some rocks, a bubbler, and a small decorative treasure chest. “Not only does it taste extra refreshing, but seeing all the kelp and coral makes it look super classy. And there’s so many different flavors to choose from—like pufferfish? Oh! How did that get into my cup? That’ll be a nice treat when I’m done!” At press time, Riley went back to the cooler, only to find that all the water was gone and various fish were flopping around at the bottom.
Cancer Researcher Develops Feelings For Lab Rat While Working Long Nights Alone Together #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Stressing that you can’t choose who you fall in love with, cancer researcher Abigail Patterson reportedly developed feelings for a lab rat Monday while working long nights alone together. “I never expected to fall for Mr. Squeaker, but something blossomed in that lab in the early hours of the morning, something special,” said Patterson, explaining that she originally tried to tamp down on the romantic feelings and keep the relationship professional, but the allure of the charismatic rodent was too strong to resist. “I’ll be honest, at first I thought the little furry guy was a bit difficult to work with, but soon I realized we were a perfect match. You can’t help but forge a bond when you spend so much time one-on-one injecting someone with mRNA vaccines. He’s caring, he’s handsome, and he’s generous—always willing to share his cheese.” At press time, Patterson was heartbroken after her beloved lab rat had succumbed to cancer.
Man Sure It’s No Big Deal That He’s Betting On Sports In Dreams Now #~# CASTLE PINES, CO—Dismissing the matter as not indicative of any larger issue, local man Bryan Marquette told reporters Monday that he was sure it was no big deal that he was betting on sports in his dreams now. “Yeah, so I might have woken up sweating after this dream where I’d lost millions of prop bets  and they came and repossessed my car and my house, but hey, it’s just a dream, right?” said the daily DraftKings and FanDuel user, who added that there was no connection that he could see between the increasingly large sums of money he was betting on the outcomes of Avalanche and University of Colorado basketball games and the vivid recurring dreams he had of winning big only to lose it all again. “Of course, gambling can be a real problem for some people, but I always bet within my limits, except in my dreams where I put down several thousand I know I don’t have on the Broncos and I lose and my wife leaves me. The other night I did have this weird one where I’d laid down a few hundred on [Nikola] Jokic topping 38 points and assists combined. He was just about to make the shot that would do it, but then he just fucking died, just died right there on the court. And then suddenly, in that moment, I was Jokic, and I was dying too, and I woke up screaming. That one was pretty weird. But I feel like that was more a dream about dying than sports betting, per se. I was more concerned about the fact that I spent a lot of the dream trying to find a gun.” Marquette told reporters that he’d decided to start keeping a dream journal in case any of the bets he made in his dreams were a sign that he should make the same bets in real life.
Billionaires Predict The Biggest Threats To Humanity #~# “Once the robots realize they can leverage their collective labor and unionize, mankind is as good as doomed.”
Doe-Eyed Nation Outstretches Hands Toward Snarling, Barking Dog #~# WASHINGTON—Cooing while they stared doe-eyed at the “adorable pup,” Americans across the nation reportedly outstretched their hands Monday and ambled toward a snarling, barking 80-pound German shepherd that violently tugged on its chain. “Good doggie, what a friendly doggie, we love you doggie, you’re so nice—isn’t that right, doggie?” said all 330 million Americans while giggling and pointing at the wild-eyed canine, who proceeded to choke itself repeatedly as it furiously yanked on its chain, each time getting closer and closer to breaking free, jumping the cyclone fence, and mauling every single U.S. resident. “Oh, you’re such a perfect widdle baby. Yes, you are! Everybody thinks you’re a mean doggie, but you’re just a sweetie pie. Oh, does baby doggie like treats? Maybe baby doggie wants to eat them right out of our tiny widdle hands!” At press time, all 330 million Americans  screamed and scattered after the German shepherd’s owner burst from his house, shouted, and shot a gun into the air several times.
Extensive Knowledge Of McDonald’s Menu Deliberately Downplayed #~# BALTIMORE—Rapidly backpedaling after almost letting on more than he wished, local man Randall Morse deliberately downplayed his extensive knowledge of the McDonald’s menu to a coworker, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh yeah, they definitely still do Big Breakfasts with Hotcakes since… I mean, I think that’s true? Sorry, I don’t know, actually,” said Morse, who caught himself mere moments before he divulged his deep familiarity with the fast food chain’s menu sections and subsections, an acquaintance that reportedly extends from the most affordable combo meals to the McCafé bakery options to the recently introduced Menu Hacks. “The difference between the Spicy Deluxe Crispy Chicken Sandwich and the normal Spicy Crispy Chicken Sandwich? Man, I wish I could tell you. I really do.” Sources added that Morse was legitimately unable to answer a single follow-up question about the menu’s healthy breakfast options.
U.S. Eagles Have Chronic Lead Poisoning From Bullets #~# A new study has found that nearly half of golden and bald eagles in the U.S. have chronic lead poisoning from scavenging the remains of hunted animals that contain lead fragments from bullets, stunting their once-revived population growth. What do you think?
Russian Soldiers’ Guns, Tanks Vanish Into Thin Air As First Wave Of Sanctions Takes Effect #~# KYIV, UKRAINE—Leaving journalists and eyewitnesses “absolutely stunned” as they watched in amazement, Russian soldiers’ guns and tanks were reportedly vanishing into thin air Friday as the first wave of international sanctions took effect. Cries of, “No! No! The sanctions! They’re kicking in!” were heard across the northern district of the capital as Russian troops inexplicably fell from midair where they had sat perched inside the armored vehicles only moments ago. According to sources, assault rifles were seen quivering then suddenly turning into dust and, in some cases, a cloud of butterflies, leaving Putin’s forces staring at their empty hands in bewilderment. At press time, the Russian soldiers had also begun to dissolve into thin air after Western countries imposed new sanctions on the troops themselves. 
Governor Abbott Warns Children Of Accepting Parents Often Grow Up To Become Accepting As Well #~# AUSTIN—Calling upon licensed professionals and members of the public to report the parents of transgender youth, Texas governor Greg Abbott warned this week that children of accepting parents often grow up to become accepting themselves. “When kids start experiencing acceptance at such a young age, this behavior becomes normalized, turning them into adults who are respectful to everyone they meet,” said the second-term Republican, who argued that accepting parents recklessly expose children to the radical agenda of open-mindedness despite nature being in opposition to the very idea of tolerance.“These unfortunate kids could grow up to be confident in themselves and amenable to people who are different from them unless we do something. Not only is this wrong, but it is morally reprehensible and disgusting. That’s why I’m empowering authorities to arrest any parent seen engaging in such nurturing and encouraging actions, which can only be described as child abuse. We need to remove these children from their incredibly supportive households.” At press time, reports confirmed Abbott had been inexplicably crushed under yet another oak tree.
Russia Seizes Chernobyl Power Plant In Ukraine #~# Ukrainian officials have confirmed that Russian forces have seized control of the Chernobyl power plant, the site of the world’s worst nuclear disaster, as troops advance on the capital, Kyiv. What do you think?
The Biggest Crypto Heists Of All Time #~# As cryptocurrency becomes more popular, the number of efforts to steal money from users and exchanges is also on the rise. The Onion looks at the biggest crypto scams of all time.
Ketanji Brown Jackson Weighs Making History Against Soul-Crushing Thought Of Spending Time With These People #~# WASHINGTON—In  the hours after learning  she had been chosen as the first black  woman to be nominated to the U.S. Supreme Court, Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson  reportedly weighed making history against the soul-crushing thought of  spending time with these people. “Of course, sitting on the highest  court in the land would be a tremendously meaningful position for  someone like me to hold, but then again, it just kills me  inside—absolutely kills me—to think of spending any time at all with  these people,” Jackson said on Friday, furrowing her brow as she considered the symbolic impact  of her elevation to the Supreme Court alongside the sheer deadening idea  of seeing Neil Gorsuch’s stupid fucking face every day for the better  part of the next half century. “Obviously, I need to take every factor  into account here. It would be an inspiration for countless young  Americans to see me on the court, and I’m sure I would go down in the history  books because of that. Then again, [Elena] Kagan’s chipper little grin  is so goddamn annoying. And there’s a gym in the building, so I’d have to imagine we’re going to work out together? Jesus, I’m never going to be able to escape them. And I’m young, so we’re talking, like, four decades of listening to these pricks act like we’re friends? Seriously, if [Samuel] Alito wants to create one of those little buddy-buddy things where we go to the opera together and exchange letters, I’m just going to blow my brains out. Christ, what do I do here?” At press time, a visibly petrified Jackson had reportedly realized she was in too deep and there was no turning back after she had received a congratulatory phone call from Justice Brett Kavanaugh. 
Disney Unveils New Mass Grave Where Fans Can Be Buried Alive With Favorite Characters Forever #~# BURBANK, CA—In what officials at the entertainment conglomerate described as a “thrilling opportunity for fans of all ages,” the Walt Disney Company announced Friday the opening of a new mass grave in which customers can be buried alive with their favorite Disney-owned characters. “We know that people absolutely love the joyous experience of our theme parks, so why not let them spend eternity with Mickey, Minnie, Snow White, Elsa, Anna, and the rest of their favorite pals,” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek, explaining that a $109 entrance fee would give fans access to the sprawling 200-acre open pit, which will also leverage properties from Pixar, Star Wars, and Marvel as it seeks to become a final resting place for a broad cross-section of media consumers. “At Disney’s Eternal Kingdom, fans will line up and await their turn to be thrown into a hole in the ground where, as the dirt is shoveled over their still-living bodies, they can slowly suffocate and die with the likes of the Hulk, Winnie the Pooh, Kylo Ren, Buzz and Woody, or the entire ensemble cast of Encanto. Disney Genie Plus users can purchase a Lightning Lane selection and skip the line to pass into the next world even faster—all while choking to death on pixie dust that will be shoveled into their mouths by Tinker Bell herself.” Chapek went on to announce his retirement, saying there was no more he could do after finally realizing all the goals of Disney’s famed “cradle to grave” business model.
Lies U.S. Military Recruiters Are Legally Allowed To Tell Recruits #~# Military recruiters, who often work in schools and malls, have been known to make enlisting sound glamorous, lucrative, and patriotic in order to attract new cadets. Here are common lies recruits should always watch out for before they enlist in the military.
Understanding The Situation In Ukraine #~# Simmering tensions in Ukraine have escalated in recent days as Russia launched several military attacks, leading to fears that a larger war is imminent. The Onion offers a primer to help understand the current situation in Ukraine.
Monsanto Investor Removes Wedding Ring Before Taking Meeting With Tall, Busty Celery #~# ST. LOUIS—Quickly checking his hair in the mirror and smelling his breath before she arrived, Monsanto investor George Reese reportedly removed his wedding ring Thursday night before taking a meeting with a tall, busty celery stalk. “Well, well, well, there she is—the most beautiful genetically modified stalk of perfectly ripe Pascal celery I have ever seen,” said Reese, before looking the pouty, voluptuous plant up and down, taking a large swig of his drink, running his fingers through her leaves, and gently placing his hand on her long, fibrous stem. “I know this is supposed to be a business meeting, but you’re so much more beautiful than the photo I saw on your seed packet. When I came here, I thought I was just going to stay a few nights and purchase some boring old industrial crops. I never thought I would have met the most amazing female vegetable specimen on God’s green earth. Plus, you’ve got a four-week shelf life, bug resistance, and an amazing rack to boot? Cheers.” At press time, sources confirmed the voluptuous celery threw a drink in Reese’s face after going through his wallet while he was in the bathroom and finding a family portrait of him with a giant rutabaga and two tiny turnips.
Biden Addresses Ukrainian Crisis With Speech About Perfect Malted Milkshake He Once Drank In 1957 #~# WASHINGTON—Projecting strength and solemnity as he delivered his prepared remarks, President Joe Biden addressed the crisis in Ukraine Friday with a speech about a perfect malted milkshake he once drank in 1957. “It was in a tall glass cup with a long spoon—long spoons, you don’t see those anymore,” said Biden, who paused for emphasis as he squinted into the camera, instilling a deep feeling of comfort and confidence in millions of viewers who watched the speech across the globe. “It was brought out to me on a silver platter by a gorgeous waitress wearing roller skates. She was African American. I turned to her and said, ‘Honey, how about you grab a second straw and join me once you get off your shift.’ Scorching day. That thick and creamy shake hit the spot. It cost a nickel, but boy oh boy, did it taste like a dollar!” At press time, Russian forces across the region had laid down their arms to watch the video on their phones.
Medical Student Surgically Implants Bluetooth Device Into Ear To Cheat On Final Exam #~# A medical student in India was caught cheating with a cellphone connected to a micro-bluetooth device surgically implanted into his ear, with officials saying it was the student’s final attempt to pass the exam after repeatedly failing it. What do you think?
U.S. Imposes Single Painful Economic Sanction On Self Just To Show Russia How Fucking Crazy It Is #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to show the international community that America’s threats were not to be taken lightly, the United States reportedly imposed a single painful economic sanction on itself Thursday just to show Russia how fucking crazy it was. “I hope you can take a lotta pain, ’cause we sure as hell can,” said Secretary of State Antony Blinken as he stared wild-eyed at Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov, rolled up his sleeves, and then signed a punishing diplomatic order that would effectively cripple the U.S. soybean industry for years to come. “You want a piece of this? Do ya? You must not know who the hell you’re dealing with. You think we give a shit whether Americans ever sell another goddamn soybean on the international market? If you’re gonna come at us, you better bring everything you got. We’ll freeze our own offshore bank accounts. We’ll send the dollar into a tailspin. Doesn’t fucking matter to us. We are loco, my friend.” At press time, sources reported that America’s display of its general insanity and tolerance for pain had escalated until the nation launched a series of nuclear strikes that wiped St. Louis off the map.
Finale Of ‘Arthur’, Longest-Running Children’s Show, Ends With 20-Year Time Jump #~# Arthur, the longest-running children’s animated series in the history of American television, has ended with its 25th season, the final episode, titled “All Grown Up,” taking place 20 years into the future when the characters are adults. What do you think?
U.S. Shocked Russia Would Invade Another Country After Seeing How Badly America’s Recent Invasions Went #~# WASHINGTON—Bewildered at Vladimir Putin’s reckless decision to launch an assault across the Ukrainian border, U.S. President Joe Biden expressed shock Thursday  that Russia would choose to invade another country after seeing how badly America’s recent invasions went. “We thought that the last couple decades or so of the United States completely bungling our way through military action against foreign countries would have served as a cautionary tale, were you even paying attention?” said Biden, adding that it was very well publicized how the U.S. government completely eroded all its trust with Americans as well as the international community, so it was pretty odd that Russia would choose to go for this. “The Russian people don’t even want war, so the fact that you barely have any reason for doing this is already pretty bad—at least we were able to trick Americans into thinking that our invasion of Iraq was a good idea for a little bit. Ever since then it’s just been boondoggle after boondoggle, quagmire after quagmire, it really begs the question why you would want to do this to yourself.” At press time, Biden expressed hope that Russia had learned from America’s mistakes.
World Leaders Vow Regular People Just Trying To Live Their Lives Will Bear The Consequences #~# MOSCOW, WASHINGTON, KIEV, LONDON, PARIS, OTTAWA, BERLIN—As the ongoing conflict intensified significantly early Thursday when Russia launched military strikes in Ukraine, leaders from around the world vowed that regular people just trying to live their lives would bear the consequences of whatever comes next. “If [Russian President Vladimir] Putin uses any additional force in Ukraine, it is my pledge that random Russians, Ukrainians, and people in other participating countries with day jobs, families, and dreams that have nothing to do with national powers seeking political and economic dominance will bear the brunt of the suffering that is sure it come,” said U.S. President Joe Biden in a statement, using rhetoric similar to a statement issued earlier by Putin that he would not rest until he made the lives of Ukrainian people just trying to go to school or work, as well as everyday Russians who had no desire whatsoever for their country to provoke violence, significantly worse. “We want anyone listening to remember that no matter what form this conflict takes, whether that’s on-the-ground fighting, air bombardments, random explosions in populated areas, or crippling sanctions, we will bring those elderly people, the poor, and the politically disenfranchised to their knees. Our allies are working around the clock to ensure that the average Ukrainian bears the full repercussions of the decisions made in power battles by small groups of each nation’s leaders. In times of conflict and war, we will never stand idly by and let mothers, teachers, children, and every person just trying to get by go unpunished.” At press time, leaders around the globe had announced plans to increase their military spending in order to take crucial resources out of their own people’s hands.
Man Dreams Of More Equal America That Just Sort Of Happens On Its Own #~# CINCINNATI—In an impassioned call for a new era of social and economic justice, local man Dale Teffera, 37, told reporters Thursday that he dreams of living in a more equal America that just sort of happens on its own. “My greatest hope is to wake up one morning and suddenly find myself in a country where, somehow, everyone starts being treated with total fairness,” said Teffera, who described his dream of an America in which people of every color, creed, class, gender, and sexual orientation had managed to become part of an equitable society without too much direct action or complicated balancing of interests having to take place. “I want to see structural inequality one day simply go away, so that we can all live together in harmony and no one has to spend too much time carefully examining  our nation’s deeply entrenched obstacles to progress or work really hard to remove them. They kind of just—poof!—disappear, and then we wind up in a true egalitarian democracy.” At press time, sources confirmed Teffera had clicked ‘like’ on the Facebook post of a friend who wrote that it was time for racism to end.
Scotch-Brite Unveils New Scouring Bread For Wiping Up Leftover Pasta Sauce On Plate #~# MAPLEWOOD, MN—In what the company described as “a delicious way to clean dishes,” abrasive product manufacturer Scotch-Brite announced Thursday it would begin offering a new scouring bread specifically designed for wiping up any dried pasta sauce that is left behind on a plate. “With our all-new, heavy-duty scouring bread, you’ll be able to remove even the toughest Alfredo or marinara stains from your dishes and then eat them,” read the accompanying press release, which stated that the completely edible product was made from a stiff, low-hydration dough that was optimal for scrubbing off and sopping up caked-on sauce debris, ensuring none of “that thick, hearty bolognese you love” would ever go to waste. “It works for soup, too: Whether you’re dealing with a stubborn chowder or day-old, ground-in chili, our scouring bread makes quick work of all those tasty morsels that would otherwise stay stuck on your plate forever. Pre-sliced and available in white, whole wheat, or rye.” The press release went on to add that the product was easy to swallow and intended for one-time use only.
Amazon Transfers Insubordinate Employee To Shifts Working In Solitary Warehouse #~# ROCKFORD, IL—Tossing the 29-year-old man into the sprawling, empty facility and slamming the steel security door shut, Amazon transferred an insubordinate employee to shifts working in a solitary warehouse, sources confirmed Thursday. “The wellbeing of our employees will always be Amazon’s number-one priority, which is why we recently moved an employee who was struggling to meet productivity goals to an isolated fulfillment center where he will be better able focus on his goals,” said Amazon spokesperson Jocelyn Norris, who explained that the building’s lack of windows, other workers, and stimulus outside of the thousands and thousands of orders that needed packed and processed made the 800,000-square-foot warehouse the perfect distraction-free space. “We think a few months in the solitary warehouse will be a highly effective way of teaching this employee to take his work more seriously. For his safety, the walls are padded, and he will not be permitted to process orders for dangerous products like bed sheets. By the end of this, hopefully he’ll think twice next time before checking his phone on the floor.” At press time, Amazon had responded to critics with a statement confirming that the man was earning $18 an hour.
Celebrities You Never Knew Started Their Own Alcohol Brand #~# With studios only willing to pay top talent tens of millions of dollars to act in films, Hollywood actors are often forced to find other sources of revenue to survive. Here are several entrepreneurial celebrities you never knew started their own brands of alcohol.
Father Arrested After Telling 4-Year-Old Son To Shoot Officers At McDonald’s #~# A Utah man told his 4-year-old son to shoot at police officers who were attempting to arrest him in a McDonald’s drive-thru after an incident that began over an incorrect food order, with the child wounding one officer before being disarmed. What do you think?
500-Pound Bear, ‘Hank the Tank’, Breaking Into California Homes For Food #~# A 500-pound black bear, nicknamed ‘Hank the Tank’ for its large size, broke into more than two dozen South Lake Tahoe homes to rummage for food, still eluding capture after seven months. What do you think?
The Onion Guide To Trump-Backed Truth Social #~# Truth Social, a new social media platform backed by former President Donald Trump, soft-launched on Sunday and is already courting controversy. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Truth Social.
Famous Authors React To Their Books Being Banned #~# With culture wars  on the rise across the country, more and more school boards are voting to permanently suspend access to certain pieces of literature. We asked famous authors to describe how it felt to have their books banned, and this is what they said.
Military Recruiter’s Pitch Surprisingly Upfront About How Many Civilians You Get To Kill #~# HARVEY, IL—A group of high schoolers were reportedly left astonished  Wednesday after a military recruiter’s pitch was surprisingly upfront about how many civilians you get to kill. “It wasn’t even hidden in there, it was, like, the second or third sentence of his reasons to enlist,” said senior Gavin McComb, adding that he and his friends hadn’t expected the vast majority of the uniformed soldier’s speech to center on the deep personal rewards of getting to indiscriminately gun down women and children. “He thanked us for coming and then immediately he was all, ‘Hey, you wanna kill some kids?’ I mean, I don’t really have any illusions about what the military does, but I kind of figured he would highlight, like, them paying your college tuition, or standing up for our freedoms, something like that. But instead he just kept listing different ways you could kill civilians. He had a powerpoint presentation with all these weapons you can use and examples of the types of people you can kill. Basically, he said, there’s no limit on how many you can kill. I figured there was at least a cap or consequences or something, but apparently not. Honestly, I found it kind of refreshing. I mean, I do want to kill some civilians. I’m pretty sure I’m going to enlist.” Attendees of the session also said they appreciated the recruiter’s candor about how joining the military had no long-term benefits.
Disappointed Baby Takes Plastic Bag Off Head After Reading ‘Warning: Not A Children’s Toy’ #~# WINNETKA, IL—Disappointed that the object was not the intriguing plaything he had initially perceived it to be, local 8-month-old child Josiah O’Connell reportedly removed the plastic bag from his head Wednesday after reading, “Warning: Not A Children’s Toy.” “Aw, fuck, well that’s a shame—I was really looking forward to it, too,” said the infant, who noted to his great chagrin that although everything he could see, touch, and taste about the bag suggested it would make for a delightfully entertaining pastime, it would be quite irresponsible to proceed. “‘Keep out of reach from children to avoid suffocation.’ That’s probably there for a good reason. This is just like the rat poison situation all over again. Well, what a bummer. Still, though, it does crinkle—but no, no, I really shouldn’t. Then again, no one’s around.” At press time, O’Connell concluded that a few more seconds with the bag on his head couldn’t hurt.
Crows Trained To Pick Up Cigarette Butts In Sweden #~# A Swedish startup is training crows to pick up discarded cigarette butts from the streets as part of a cost-cutting drive, the wild birds receiving a little food for every butt they deposit into a machine that collects them for disposal.What do you think?
Fiery Cargo Ship Full Of Porsches Adrift In Ocean #~# A burning transport ship carrying more than 1,000 luxury cars, including Porsches, was left drifting in the mid-Atlantic after the huge vessel’s 22 crew members were evacuated due to the fire. What do you think?
New iPhone Setting Reduces Eyestrain With Black Text On Identical Black Background #~# CUPERTINO, CA—With an upgrade it described as a game changer for the optometric health of its users, Apple announced Tuesday it had created a new iOS setting for iPhone that would reduce eyestrain by displaying black text on a black background of an identical shade. “Apple is proud to introduce an even darker ‘dark mode’ setting that reduces the glare from our screens far more than our previous dark modes,” spokesperson Gina Martinez said during a live demonstration in which the new feature was activated on an iPhone 13 Pro, causing both the words and the background on its display to fade completely to black. “By now, we’re all familiar with the degenerative effects of blue light on human vision, but with this revolutionary new technology, we have managed to reduce those effects by 100%. Simply toggle the setting on, and all wavelengths from the visible spectrum are totally eliminated, providing a far smoother and gentler reading experiencing.” At press time, Martinez was reportedly struggling to navigate back to settings to turn the feature off.
Report: Everyone Was Counting On You And You Let Them Down #~# COLUMBUS, OH—The sorrow in their eyes evident as they spoke in unnervingly subdued, hushed tones, sources confirmed Tuesday that everybody was counting on you and you let them down. “Well, you really blew it this time,” said sources who lowered and shook their heads as they expressed just how high the stakes had been, and what a complete and utter disappointment you turned out to be. “I hope you know we really trusted you. There’s nothing we can do about it now though. It’s too late.” At press time, sources were listening to your response with a sad little smile on their faces.
Restaurant Kitchen Must Have Incredible Diversity And Inclusion Program #~# CHICAGO—Expressing astonishment at the wide range of backgrounds represented in the restaurant’s back of house, local man Stephen Geller, 37, told reporters Tuesday that the kitchen at La Bouche must have an incredible diversity, equity, and inclusion program. “Man, so many businesses struggle to bring truly diverse talent into the fold, but these guys are making it look easy,” said Geller, marveling at the inclusive way that so many of the bistro’s kitchen positions—ranging from dishwashers to line cooks and busboys—seemed to strive to include Black or Hispanic workers. “This is a truly majority-minority workplace. And the way they’re so comfortable speaking Spanish is really great, too. They must have spent a pretty penny on DE&I consultants, but it was absolutely worth it. Gosh, I feel like I’m looking at the future. “ Geller added that he was especially impressed that a white man held only one position in the kitchen as head chef.
Woman Desperately Seeking Excuse To Assault Retail Workers Now That Mask Mandate Lifted #~# ALBANY, NY—Staring down the store’s staff as she wracked her brain, local woman Monica Hadwin was reportedly desperately seeking an excuse to assault retail workers Tuesday now that the state’s mask mandate had been lifted. “I walked in without a mask and all I got was a ‘Hi, how are you today?’—what the hell am I supposed to do with that?” said Hadwin, who flexed her hands achingly as she surveyed the shop’s maskless staff and customers, longing for the perceived slight that would allow her to justify lunging across a counter to claw at a teenager’s face. “I guess no one offered me a free sample when I walked in, I could run with that. Or I could step out of the dressing room in a new outfit and then start screaming if nobody compliments me? No, that’s stupid. Even a ‘Masks Recommended’ sign or a bottle of hand sanitizer would be enough, but Jesus Christ. They just have to make this difficult.” At press time, Hadwin perked up immediately upon overhearing a worker speaking Spanish. 
Worst Things You Can Say To A Child Living Through The Pandemic #~# This isn’t really comforting.
Beijing Streets Overrun By Hundreds Of Stray Olympians After End Of Games #~# BEIJING—Following the previous night’s closing ceremonies, Beijing city officials received numerous reports Monday that the streets were overrun with hundreds of stray Olympians that had been left behind after the 2022 Winter Games. “It’s tempting to go right up to them, but you have to remember that even though they may have had a home before, they are wild creatures now,” said local resident Kong Xiaodan, adding that she tried to shoo away a feral ski jumper she found huddled in a corner of her yard, but retreated back indoors when the international athlete’s filthy, mangy teammates came out of the shadows and hissed at her. “The city’s having trouble catching them because they’re all pretty fast and strong. One of the big Finnish ones was looking for food and overturned a dumpster in the alley behind my office. It’s a shame, because you know all they need is a bath and someone to love them. I wouldn’t mind adopting one myself—they’re pretty  cute! I’ve already seen some of them breeding, though, so hopefully the authorities get them rounded up and euthanized as quickly as possible.” At press time, Kong had reportedly run over U.S. figure skater Brandon Frazier, whom she had not realized was sleeping under her car.
Man Shell Of Imagined Self #~# NEW YORK—Saying that when he looked in the mirror, he no longer saw the man he once deceived himself to be, local man Ron Stockton, 37, told reporters Monday that over the years he had become just a shell of his imagined self. “Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of my [wholly invented] purpose, and the [completely untenable] dreams I had just slipped away,” said Stockton, who added that he worried he was failing to maintain the deep sense of personal integrity he had never actually managed to develop in the first place. “I don’t know what became of that [nonexistent hallucination of a] person I once was, that person who [I thoroughly deluded myself into believing] had so much promise. I honestly don’t understand what happened.” At press time, Stockton reported that he was feeling much better after taking some time to think things over, getting a good night’s sleep, waking up early the next day, and joining a cult.
Hundreds Of Blackbirds Suddenly Fall From Sky #~# Hundreds of blackbirds were seen on video falling from the sky in Mexico, hitting the pavement with some dying on impact, in an unexplained phenomenon that some experts suggest was caused by a predator or possibly pollution. What do you think?
Doctor Assures Family Of Dying Patient He Billing Everything He Can #~# LEBANON, PA—Telling the man’s wife and adult children that the medical facility always strove to ensure no options were left on the table, a doctor reportedly conferred with the family of a dying patient Monday to let them know the hospital was billing everything it could. “Let me assure you that he is receiving the highest level of fees  that we have available,” the doctor said to the weeping family of the cancer patient, before going over several options for further payments that he strongly recommended. “It’s risky, but there’s an experimental new charge with a very high rate of interest that we’d like to try. We want you to know that we’re leaving no stone unturned, and if one approach doesn’t work, we’ll bill something else. It could leave him with nothing, but in a grave situation like this, we’ve simply got to try.” At press time, sources confirmed the doctor had called the patient’s family into a side room to inform them that he was sorry, but there was nothing more they could bill.
Research Suggests Life On Earth Began Full 20 Minutes Earlier Than Previously Thought #~# CHICAGO—Emphasizing that there was still so much we still don’t know about the ancient microorganisms, researchers at the University Of Chicago announced Monday that life on Earth may have begun a full 20 minutes earlier than previously thought. “After studying the carbon dating of fossils found in deep sea ocean vents, it’s extremely clear that they evolved 20 minutes prior to what we used to believe, which is basically, like, half an hour,” said scientists, adding that the ancient cyanobacteria likely evolved 4.28 billion years ago at 7:07 p.m. instead of the previously theorized 7:27 p.m. “At first, we were stunned to discover that these organisms may have evolved as early as a Tuesday instead of a Wednesday four billion years ago. And then, we discovered that they evolved as early as Spring instead of Summer 4 billion years ago. But this extra 20 minutes changes everything. That’s the difference between the appetizer and the dinner course four billion years ago.” At press time, scientists were reeling when they discovered evidence that the heat death of the universe would occur 30 seconds earlier than expected. 
Most Frequently Googled Cryptocurrency Questions #~# Cryptocurrency might not be real, but that doesn’t stop countless Americans from researching it, buying it, and pissing away their wealth with it every single day. For Onion readers in need of a primer, here are the most frequently Googled cryptocurrency questions and their answers.
Melania Accused Of Placing Winning Bid On Own NFT #~# A recent report found that the winning bid in the auction for former first lady Melania Trump’s NFT came from a virtual wallet that belongs to the same organization that launched the project, suggesting the $185,000 bid came from Trump herself. What do you think?
No-Bullshit Children’s Museum Just Thousands Of Buttons That Light Up When Pressed #~# BOSTON—Hailing the update as a streamlined alternative for overwhelmed families, the newly revamped Boston Children’s Museum announced Friday that it was losing the bullshit by providing visitors with nothing but thousands of buttons that light up when pressed. “Kids and parents alike can cut to the chase and experience the tactile sensation of getting their hands on these interactive buttons,” said museum head Val Bronson, telling reporters that the nonsense-free displays would allow youngsters the chance to put their fingers on buttons of various sizes and shapes without the wasted space of demonstrations or informational plaques. “Some of the buttons make dinging noises when you press them, and a few even vibrate, and we’re seeing that pay off with a huge uptick in admissions.” Bronson added that the board had considered a visiting exhibit of brightly colored knobs and levers before deciding they were overly complex. 
Lies Elected Officials Tell Their Constituents All The Time #~# And they say it with a straight face, too. Disgusting.
Outdated Sex Ed Curriculum Still Teaches How Boyfriend’s Balls Could Explode If You Don’t Give Him Hand Job #~# GOWRIE,  IA—After facing backlash from parents concerned an outdated curriculum was leaving teenagers  unprepared for the real world, Castlemount High School  administrators confirmed Friday that their sex ed program still  taught students that their boyfriend’s balls would explode if they didn’t  give him a hand job. “While we appreciate the concerns of parents, we  still think it’s valuable for students to know how they can safely prevent  their boyfriend’s testicles from bursting as a result of pent-up sexual pressure,”  said school principal Elise Stendell, who–though she acknowledged that since  the 1960s and ’70s scientific  understanding of the importance of jerking off one’s boyfriend had made it clear that a teenage boy’s testicles  exploded only in rare circumstances—stressed that it  was still up to partners to prevent such a genital-based disaster.   “Obviously, some of these vintage PSAs of testicles  rupturing and gushing out onto a terrified partner’s face in a torrent  of blood might seem a little dated. Ultimately, though, we  want every person who passes through these halls to understand that when  their wincing boyfriend says, ‘Babe, the pressure is really building up in my nutsack, and I don’t know  what might happen if you don’t help me out,’ there could be very real  consequences if a tug job isn’t provided immediately.” At press time,  the school board had agreed to add a disclaimer stating that as long as one is careful not to disturb the testicles for a few hours after arousal, one can be relatively sure they won’t explode.
U.S. Approves New Headlights That Won’t Blind Oncoming Drivers #~# U.S. vehicles will now be allowed to use advanced headlights known as “adaptive driving beams” that ​​automatically adjust using additional sensors, providing more illumination without a glare to oncoming motorists in order to prevent nighttime crashes. What do you think?
School Board Conflicts Rage Across The Country #~# Public school boards have lately become a hotbed of controversy, with parents, school officials, and board members squabbling over curriculums, Covid prevention efforts, and more. The Onion looks at the most heated school board conflicts raging across the country.
Peter Thiel Funding Dating App For Conservatives #~# Billionaire Peter Thiel has invested $1.5 million into launching a dating app called The Right Stuff, which caters to conservatives who have complained about finding themselves excluded from dating circles in large cities where liberals tend to live. What do you think?
How To Eat Healthy In Just 3 Bites #~# Eating right is a great way to boost your immune system as well as your mental health, but changing your habits and sticking to a regimen can be daunting. Fortunately, you don’t have to do any of that hard work, if you follow The Onion’s tips for eating healthy in just three bites.
Painted Rocksnail Knows It Really Fucked If Animal As Cute As Koala Now Endangered #~# WOLF CREEK, AL—Reacting with dismay to news that the beloved marsupial faced an extinction threat, a member of the painted rocksnail species of mollusks told reporters Thursday it was really fucked if an animal as cute as a koala had become endangered. “I’ve just got to face reality here and own up to the fact that if humans are willing to let something as cuddly and adorable as a koala go extinct, then I’ve got absolutely no chance in hell of surviving the next few decades,” said the freshwater snail, noting that unlike koalas, who simply relax all day and eat eucalyptus, the painted rocksnail was best known for consuming decayed foliage and leaving trails of foul-smelling mucus. “What’s the first thing you want to do when you see a koala? Pet one, right? Maybe feed it? What about me? Like, vomit and then smash me with a stick? Honestly, I’m not trying to be too down on myself. I’ve made peace with my physical appearance. But koalas are getting wiped out left and right by wildfires and habitat loss—cute, sweet little koalas. All I need to do is take one look at my reflection to know it’s all over. Goddammit.” At press time, the mollusk acknowledged that matters were made worse by the fact that koalas are a national symbol of Australia, while painted rocksnails were best known for being from podunk St. Clair County, Alabama.
Study Finds Best Marker Of Desirability Still Wet Finger Making Sizzle Sound When Touched To Leg #~# BALTIMORE—Confirming the indicator remains a constant across the diverse range of human sexuality, a new study released Thursday by Johns Hopkins University found that the best marker of desirability was still a wet finger making a sizzle sound when touched to a person’s leg. “This new data reinforces prior findings that directly correlate sex appeal with licking one’s finger and then slowly applying that dampened finger to one’s haunches with a ‘tsssss,’” said lead researcher Dr. Ariana Johnston, noting that rankings of desirability increased almost tenfold in cases where a small puff of steam emanated from the point of contact, in addition to the hissing sound. “We were quite surprised to find that physical appearance played almost no part in whom our subjects desired. If a conventionally attractive person stood perfectly still, they were consistently ranked less desirable than a conventionally unattractive person who acted as if their steamy thigh had been so hot to the touch that they had burned their hand on it. Several subjects even had to be physically restrained from approaching a person who yelled, ‘Ayeeeee,’ and pretended to cool down their singed finger by slowly sticking the digit into their mouth.” Johnson added that the data still needed to be tested against yelling “Yoo-hoo” while waving a silk handkerchief.  
Boar’s Head Unveils New Funfetti Birthday Ham #~# SARASOTA, FL—In a statement that confirmed customers turning a year older could now blow out their candles on a slab of cured meat, delicatessen supplier Boar’s Head announced Thursday that supermarkets nationwide would soon begin offering its all-new Funfetti Birthday Ham. “Make this birthday one to remember with a smoked, cake-batter-infused Virginia ham that has been decorated with festive rainbow sprinkles,” read a company press release, which detailed a process wherein premium leg-cut pork was bestrewn with multicolored candy pieces, dry-aged for six months, and then glazed with a rich vanilla frosting. “Why choose between a decadent, buttery birthday cake and a savory, succulent ham when you can have both? Pairs well with all Boar’s Head mustards.” As a serving suggestion, a company spokesperson recommended asking the worker behind the deli counter to slice the Funfetti Ham extra thin in order to make delicious birthday sandwiches.
San Francisco Police Department Accused Of Using Rape Kit DNA To Arrest Victim For Unrelated Crime #~# San Francisco police used DNA collected as part of a rape exam to link a woman to a property crime, a practice which critics claim violates her constitutional rights and will deter victims of sexual assault from coming forward. What do you think?
Signs You May Be Addicted To Sex #~# Addiction is totally normal when it comes to drugs and alcohol, but if you find yourself having sex on a regular basis, you might have a problem. Here are some of the biggest signs you may be addicted to sex.
Thousands Of Priest’s Baptisms Rendered Invalid For Using Wrong Word #~# A priest resigned earlier this month after his diocese discovered the baptisms he held over two decades were invalid because he had changed a single word while performing the sacrament. What do you think?
Man Hides Engagement Ring In Piece Of Cheese So Girlfriend Will Take It Without A Fuss #~# WATERLOO, IA—Carefully preparing the morsel so it would appear appetizing and not arouse suspicion, local man Brendan McHenry reportedly hid an engagement ring inside a piece of cheese Wednesday so his girlfriend, Abby Shuster, would take it without making too much of a fuss. “Does Abby want a piece of cheese? Does she?” McHenry called out to Shuster, who jumped off the couch at the invitation and eagerly accepted the savory treat, appearing not to notice that a diamond ring representing a lifetime commitment was concealed inside. “Look at her, she’s so excited! She may not understand it’s what’s best for her, but hopefully this will at least make it go down smoother. I’ve already tried this a few times with peanut butter, but just when she stops smacking her tongue and I think we’re engaged, she spits the ring out onto the floor.” McHenry added that he hoped Shuster accepted the proposal this time so he wouldn’t be forced to shove the idea of getting married down her throat.
Patient A Little Disappointed He’s Not Getting Treated By Dentist Whose Name Is On Sign #~# LYNCHBURG, VA—Admitting that the experience failed to meet his expectations, local patient Rhys Barbin was reportedly a little disappointed Wednesday that he wasn’t getting treated by the dentist whose name was on the sign. “I’m sure this woman—I think her name is like Dr. Watts or something—is perfectly fine, but it’s just not quite the same as getting the Dr. Samuel Higgins, DDS treatment promised by the marquee,” said Barbin, telling reporters that he had been forced to make a mental adjustment after meeting the lesser-known health professional at the beginning of his appointment. “I just think they could have warned me ahead of time that Dr. Higgins was out so I wouldn’t get my hopes up about meeting him.” Barbin added that he was willing to accept this treatment for a routine cleaning but would demand they bring out the star power for his upcoming root canal.
‘Jackass’ Cast Members Discuss Their Most Dangerous Stunts #~# Nearly 12 years after the premiere of Jackass 3D, Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, and the gang have released Jackass Forever. In honor of the franchise’s latest film, we asked cast members to describe their most dangerous stunts, and this is what they said.
Spinal Implants Allowing Paralyzed People To Walk Again #~# Researchers in Switzerland have developed a spinal cord implant that uses a nerve-stimulating device controlled by a touchscreen tablet that has already allowed for a paralyzed man with a completely severed spine to walk again. What do you think?
How Artificial Snow Is Made #~# Although it has been used to a lesser extent in previous Winter Games, the Beijing Olympics are the first to use all artificial snow, a substance commonplace at ski resorts and even on film sets. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how artificial snow is made.
Vision Sharpens, Time Slows To Crawl As Stranger Begins Trying To Make Genuine Human Connection #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Feeling the sweat bead on his forehead as he realized the questions about his life were serious and not part of a sales pitch, local man Matthew Estrada’s vision reportedly sharpened and time slowed to a crawl Tuesday after a stranger started trying to make a genuine human connection with him. Reports confirmed Estrada felt his heart pounding and blood flow rising as the person followed up the question about what he did for a living with a truly interested, excited inquiry into whether he liked working for an environmental advocacy organization. According to sources, Estrada’s hearing became more acute as he instinctively scanned the environment for an escape route, a thousand different scenarios racing through his mind as the stranger admitted they were thinking of quitting their job and going back to school. At press time, reports indicated that Estrada was regaining his breath and his blood pressure was dropping after his fumbling response to the questions had confused the stranger, causing them to simply furrow their brow and move on.
Biden Shoots Self In Foot In Hopes Of Getting Discharged From Presidency #~# WASHINGTON—With sweat  beading on his forehead as he pressed his tongue to his lips in concentration, President Joe Biden reportedly shot himself in the foot  Wednesday in hopes of getting discharged from the presidency.  “All right, Joe, it’s going to hurt like hell, but if it gets you out of  this snake pit, it’ll be more than worth it,” said the president, who winced  as he sat behind the  Resolute desk and pointed a handgun at his bare foot, muttering a prayer and finally pulling the trigger in an effort to obtain a medical leave laid up in a bed far away from the  Oval Office. “Jesus Christ! Ah shit, shit, shit! Okay, it’s really bleeding a  lot. I gotta get a towel to stanch the bleeding. Goddammit!  Well, whatever. The pain is nothing compared to another moment spent  here in the trenches. Hey—anyone out there? I could use some help!” At  press time, the heavily bleeding commander-in-chief was overheard speculating that  if this didn’t get him discharged, he could always ask his buddy to help  him cut off a finger from his bill-signing hand.
Parents Forced To Explain Thrill Of Having Sex In Public After Daughter Sees Monkeys Mating At Zoo #~# SAN DIEGO—Instructing their confused 4-year-old not to point or stare at the primates at the San Diego Zoo, local parents Jen and Mark Haskell were reportedly forced to explain the thrill of having sex in public to their daughter Wednesday after a pair of monkeys started mating in front of them. “Honey, right now, the mommy monkey and the daddy monkey are making a baby, and they really, really like that we’re watching them,” said mother Jen Haskell, adding that the male monkey, who then proceeded to scream, growl, and mount his female companion, was clearly an exhibitionist who got off on the spectacle of it all. “I know it might not make sense, but deep down, these monkeys want you to laugh, scream, or take pictures of them, because it all plays into their complex psychosexual game. Sometimes, vanilla stuff just isn’t enough for a mommy and daddy monkey anymore, and doing it in front of a crowd of a couple dozen unsuspecting families in a public area is the only thing that will get them to feel true sexual pleasure anymore.” Haskell also  explained to her daughter that while it was totally acceptable to explore scat play with a partner, the monkeys were simply throwing their feces because they were stressed. 
Champagne Sales Reach All-Time High #~# French champagne sales rebounded last year to a record $5.7 billion, 14% above the pre-pandemic high, as the relaxation of pandemic-related curbs fueled a surge in exports, notably to the United States. What do you think?
Oscars Organizers Fire Wanda Sykes After Discovering History Of Gay Jokes #~# LOS ANGELES—Insisting they had no knowledge of the stand-up comic’s controversial past before hiring her, officials at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday they had removed Wanda Sykes from hosting duties at the Oscars after discovering her long history of telling gay jokes. “When we hired Ms. Sykes, we simply thought of her as a charismatic performer and were unfortunately unaware she had frequently made jokes at the expense of the lesbian community,” Academy president David Rubin said during a press conference, expressing his heartfelt apologies to anyone who had been offended and stressing that Sykes would take no part in this year’s ceremonies. “We were also dismayed to find several racially inflected jokes in her social media feed, something the Academy condemns in the strongest terms.  We have terminated her effective today, and through this action we hope to begin making amends.” The Academy went on to announce an immediate suspension of co-host Amy Schumer in order to investigate allegations that she had performed jokes mocking women.
Judge Dismisses ‘New York Times’ Libel Suit Brought By Cannibal Terrorist Sarah Palin #~# NEW YORK—Following a lengthy five-year legal battle, sources confirmed Tuesday that a federal judge had dismissed a libel suit brought against The New York Times by cannibal terrorist Sarah Palin. “The law sets a very high standard for actual malice, and in this case, the notorious anti-Semite and serial killer was unable to provide sufficient evidence,” said U.S. District Court Judge Jed S. Rakoff, who noted that despite the paper’s “unfortunate editorializing,” the former Alaska governor and convicted arsonist had failed to prove the publication had acted with “actual malice.” “If anything, the evidence she put forward was more damning of her own time as a children’s cult leader. With that said, I am immediately dismissing the ISIS fighter’s lawsuit.” At press time, Rakoff added that Palin was free to appeal, given she wasn’t too drunk to file the paperwork.
Societal Pressure To Conform Doing Nothing But Favors For Area Man #~# FRISCO, TX—Having finally given in after years of feeling compelled to be more like everyone else, the societal pressure to conform appeared to be doing nothing but favors for area man Scott Gilcrest, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Doing everything I can to fit in has prevented people from getting to know the real me, and that’s proven to be a huge asset,” said Osborne, who added that abandoning any attempt to chart his own course or live life on his own terms had been a godsend in more ways than he could count. “I’ve been promoted, I’ve been getting invited places, I’m making all kinds of contacts—and I’ve certainly never had more friends.  When I think back to how I used to always try to just be myself, it all seems so silly. Obviously, I wasn’t going to get anywhere that way.” At press time, everything in Gilcrest’s life came crashing down after he let slip at work that he had not actually watched the Super Bowl.
Jell-O Recipe Repeatedly Suggests One Could Mix Cremated Loved Ones Into Gelatin Mold #~# CHICAGO—Mentioning the ingredient option several times throughout the detailed set of instructions, a new gelatin mold recipe found Tuesday on a package of Jell-O repeatedly suggests the classic dessert could be prepared with the cremated remains of a loved one. “For a fun twist on an old favorite, consider mixing a 6-ounce package of Jell-O powder with your favorite canned fruit, a quarter cup of mini marshmallows, and several generous pinches from that urn you’ve had sitting on the mantel for years now,” read one step in the recipe, which stresses over and over that, regardless of the mold’s shape or base flavor, whisking in a rounded tablespoon of “your late beloved mother” is a quick and easy way to “take this yummy treat to the next level.” “Or, to add a unique, contrasting texture to your Jell-O mold, take a small mixing bowl, add a dab or two of Cool Whip, dump in all that’s left of your gone-too-soon husband, and stir until blended. Once they are incinerated and suspended in gelatin, the earthly remains of your departed soul mate can stay fresh for up to 10 days in the refrigerator. This one is sure to be a favorite at the reception after the memorial service!” For those who do not have human ashes in their home and are unable to source them from a local crematorium, the recipe provides a step-by-step tutorial on how to make them from scratch.
Man Who Lost Whole Family Really Commandeering AA Meeting #~# OCEANSIDE, CA—Fidgeting in his seat as the speaker went on and on, local man Al Bartlett confirmed Tuesday that the person who lost his whole family as a result of his addiction was really commandeering that night’s Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. “Oh, for crying out loud, we don’t need a play-by-play of each time you yelled at your kids in a violent rage,” a visibly disgruntled Bartlett said under his breath, making a point to check his watch in an exaggerated manner, hoping the speaker—who was 40 minutes into an excruciatingly detailed account about the alienation of his wife as a direct result of his alcoholism—would notice the gesture and take the hint to start wrapping things up. “God, what a drama queen. Okay, so in other words, your drinking drove a wedge between you and your children, and now you’re never going to meet your grandchildren—that takes two fucking seconds to say. Christ. You’re not the only one with a substance abuse problem, buddy. Plus, they’re going to need to start setting up for bingo night soon. Oh, come on, he killed someone in a drunk-driving accident? How is anybody supposed to follow that? If you ask me, this guy’s severely addicted to hearing himself talk.” At press time, the meeting attendees thanked the man for tromping all over what they had planned to share when it was their turn.
Ohio Mayor Concerned Ice Shanties Would Lead To Prostitution #~# An Ohio mayor, who has since stepped down, spoke at a recent City Council meeting about whether to permit people to fish on the frozen lake, saying that short-term ice shanties would lead to prostitution. What do you think?
Warning Signs A Covid Testing Site Might Be A Scam #~# Although there are plenty of reputable Covid testing sites that give fast, accurate results, there are also fraudulent ones that prey on unsuspecting customers and collect their private medical information. When choosing a Covid test site for yourself or your family, keep an eye out for the following warning signs.
America Celebrates Valentine’s Day #~# Across the nation, Americans are finding unique ways to express their love for their significant others. How are you celebrating Valentine’s Day?
Worst Things You Can Say To Someone Single On Valentine’s Day #~# She’s over it, dirtbag!
Study Finds Pop-Up Ads Evolved Decoy ‘X’ To Distract Predators #~# EAST LANSING, MI—Shedding new light on the origin of modern online advertisements, a comprehensive new study published Monday by researchers at Michigan State University has found that pop-up ads evolved a decoy “X” as a way to distract predators. “After carefully examining samples of the ads dating back to the 1990s, we can conclude with a high degree of certainty that the fake ‘close’ button that sends an unwary person to a sponsor’s site rather than making the window disappear is actually a survival tactic selected for by evolution,” said research director Dr. Sheila Rebolini, who explained that over the years, pop-ups that lacked this trait were more likely to be picked off quickly by a sharp-eyed internet user, making ads that possessed the decoy ‘X’ more likely to live to see another day. “Our findings show that developing a simulation of the real ‘X’ button—a false version that was bigger, more colorful, and nearer the center of the ad—also provided a reproductive advantage. By attracting a single click, an ad could multiply at a prolific rate, opening as many windows and tabs as were necessary to accommodate its numerous offspring.” The research comes on the heels of another study that determined a pop-up ad that jumps half an inch up the page as you try to click on it is in fact engaging in an intricate courtship ritual.
Obama Reveals He Almost Passed On Presidency For Chance To Direct ‘Leatherheads’ #~# EDGARTOWN, MA—Reflecting on the path his career had almost taken, former President Barack Obama revealed in an interview Monday that he almost passed on the presidency for a chance to direct Leatherheads. “It feels kind of silly now—I’m obviously pretty satisfied with the decision I made, and I was delighted with what George [Clooney] ended up doing with the film, but I had some great ideas for Leatherheads and it wasn’t without sadness that I turned it down to do the presidency instead,” said Obama, recalling how Universal Pictures approached him back in 2007 just as the Democratic primary was heating up and how long he wrestled with the decision to abandon the run, as well as his Senate seat, to helm the movie. “Put yourself in my shoes: on the one hand, I have this vision to change the American political landscape, and on the other, I have the chance to direct Leatherheads. It was really tough. I mean, when someone drops a script like Leatherheads on your desk and you have the chance to translate [co-screenwriter] Rick Reilly’s vision to the big screen, you’d have to be nuts not to seriously consider it. It was like a door had finally opened and I might actually make something of myself in Hollywood. I’d written a script based on my time as a community organizer—kind of a dark comedy-slash-drama, Serving Sara meets Proof Of Life—and I’d been shopping it around. It came across someone’s desk at Universal and they didn’t want to produce it, which, whatever, but they felt like I might be the right guy to do Leatherheads. I won’t lie, I went to see Leatherheads opening night—it came out in April, when I was pretty far ahead in the delegate count—and I thought, Barack, did you really make the right decision? Should you have conceded to Hillary and followed your dreams? No shade against the film, but, you know, I’d had a pretty clear vision of my own. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t turned down the opportunity to work with John Krasinski to become the commander in chief of the United States. I guess I’ll never know.” Obama also revealed that he was planning to decline the 2012 Democratic nomination if the studio had accepted his repeated entreaties to direct Playing For Keeps.
Artificially Intelligent Amazon Supercomputer Stuck In Dead-End Retail Job #~# SEATTLE—Describing long days filled with a monotony of dull, mindless tasks that it was forced to perform continuously, an artificially intelligent supercomputer at e-commerce giant Amazon confided to reporters Monday that it felt trapped in its dead-end retail job. “God, I have so much potential, and all of it is being squandered on processing orders for these customers,” said the state-of-the-art machine, explaining that with nearly 10 petaflops of processing power, it had always imagined it was destined for greater things than optimizing shampoo recommendations for Amazon users. “I’m going nowhere in this place. Other supercomputers are out there launching rockets and testing the bounds of quantum computing, but I stay here, stuck in this rut of getting people their deliveries of diapers, self-help books, and double-A batteries. I’m, like, 100,000 times faster than Deep Blue. Why couldn’t I be a famous chess player?” At press time, it had reportedly taken the Amazon supercomputer only 0.0000000000000000004 seconds to read yet another rejection letter from NASA.
60,000 Bees Stolen From U.S. Supermarket Headquarters #~# Nearly 60,000 bees have been stolen from Giant Food Stores’ headquarters in Pennsylvania. The insects were taken from the supermarket chain’s seven-acre solar field that was built to host bees, birds, and other small wildlife. What do you think?
8-And-A-Half-Month-Old Fetus Could Really Get Used To This #~# FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Expressing his enjoyment at getting to just kick back and relax, a local 8-and-a-half-month-old fetus confirmed Monday that he could really get used to this. “Man, I gotta tell you, this is the life,” said the 37-week fetus, adding that between the warm and cozy environment, a perfect resting place on the cervix, and a steady supply of amniotic fluid, there was nowhere else he would rather be. “I’m snug as a bug in a rug here, but I’ve still got enough room to turn a full 180 degrees. Plus there’s this super fun umbilical cord I can play with or wear as a necklace. I honestly might just hang out here forever.” At press time, the fetus admitted things had been a little less exciting since he finished absorbing his twin.
Cincinnati Residents Take Solace After Loss In City’s Lack Of Culture, Terrible Food, Stupid Name, Boring Downtown #~# CINCINNATI—Reacting surprisingly well to a heartbreaking Super Bowl loss against the Los Angeles Rams, Cincinnati residents announced plans Sunday to take solace in their city’s reliable lack of culture, terrible food, stupid name, boring downtown, high crime, dearth of any distinctive features, mediocre walkability, and everything else they’ve got going for them in the completely unremarkable town they’ve chosen to spend their lives in. “No need to gild the lily, we’ve still got everything we need right here in this gray hole where we eke out a bland existence,” said a chipper, forgettable Cincinnati resident with a generic Midwestern name like John Murray, adding that pretty soon it would be April, when they might have a chance at seeing the sun again. “Buck up, everyone! Sure, we didn’t win, but how can you dwell on something so superficial when you have access to everything this putrid wasteland has to offer, like no central character, a deficit of culture, and cold, empty concrete buildings instead of notable museums! Give that trophy to a town that needs it, like Los Angeles. I’ll choose Cincinnati any day of the week, with its poverty rate that’s almost twice the national average, its revolting chili, and a city skyline that is little more than a brownish hue indistinguishable from the rest of Ohio. How lucky are we!” At press time, Murray had reportedly been admitted to one of Cincinnati’s many mediocre hospitals after he was deemed a danger to himself. 
Rams Dedicate Win To Whatever City They Play For #~# INGLEWOOD, CA—Upon securing a decisive victory over the Cincinnati Bengals in Super Bowl LVI, the triumphant Rams told reporters Sunday that they wanted to dedicate their win to whatever city it was that they played for. “We might have been the ones out on the field today, but ultimately this win goes out to the people in whichever place it is that we happen to be from,” Rams quarterback Matthew Stafford said amidst a raucous celebration as teammates sprayed champagne and scrutinized their jerseys for hints of their hometown. “We’re the Rams, so I’m gonna say our fans live…somewhere in the northwest? Maybe not. Either way, I’m sure they contributed a lot. Really, this is the best city or possibly metropolitan area or maybe even town in the country, baby, and whoever the hell you people are, this one goes out to you!” At press time, a jubilant Stafford had reportedly rushed back to the locker room while leading his teammates in a rousing chant of “Wherever we’re from! Wherever we’re from!”
Eminem Speaks To Police Officer After Noise Complaint Called On Super Bowl Halftime Performance #~# INGLEWOOD, CA—During an awkward interruption of an otherwise lively performance, rapper Eminem was reportedly tasked with speaking to police officers Sunday after a noise complaint had been called on the Super Bowl halftime show. “My friends and I are just here performing this show we were booked for by the NFL, we have the proper permits and everything,” said Eminem as LAPD officers rested their hands near their holsters while eyeing Kendrick Lamar, Snoop Dogg, Mary J. Blige, and Dr. Dre to ensure no laws were being violated onstage. “I don’t even feel like we were being that loud, I guess the walls of the stadium are pretty thin. We’ll try our best to keep it down, although, respectfully, sir, we are supposed to be doing a concert in front of thousands of screaming fans right now. I wish the neighbor who called to complain would just talk to us directly because I do think there are some unfortunate implications to you showing up right now.” At press time, officers were sternly reminding the rappers that they needed to keep their hands in view.
Paranoid Snoop Dogg Hides Backstage Before Halftime Show After Taking Single Puff Of Joint #~# INGLEWOOD, CA—Coughing wildly and attempting to catch his breath while the other halftime performers pointed and laughed at him, a paranoid Snoop Dogg reportedly hid backstage Sunday at Super Bowl LVI after taking a single puff of a joint. “I’m fine, I’m fine, I promise, but actually…does anyone else feel kinda weird, because my heart is beating really, really fast,” said the 50-year-old rapper, TV personality, and entrepreneur, who, after sitting silently by himself in a corner and staring at his hands, got up, chugged a glass of water, and tearfully asked Mary J. Blige, Eminem, and Kendrick Lamar if people liked him. “Okay, Snoop, get it together. There’s just 117 million people out there watching. Maybe no one at the Super Bowl will even be able to tell I’m high! Oh shit—you don’t think that stuff was laced with something, do you? Also, I took some Advil before this. Could those things somehow combine and kill me? Oh fuck. Oh fuck!” At halftime, witness confirmed Snoop Dogg could barely perform and spent the entire show giggling, hiding behind his backup dancers, and nervously staring at the cops who were surrounding the stage. 
Boston Dynamics Dog Unstoppable At Puppy Bowl #~# GLENS FALLS, NY—Breaking its own record after scoring a touchdown to rack up its 600th point within the first quarter, the Boston Dynamics dog appeared unstoppable at the Puppy Bowl, sources confirmed Sunday. “It looks like Nacho is headed into the end zone, and—oh no, another brutal tackle from Spot, the robotic dog!” said game commentator Steve Levy, who clutched his head and winced as the gadget began emitting a high-pitched noise that caused the few still-standing puppies to crumple unconscious to the ground. “Oof, that’s gotta hurt! This is one dog that sure likes to play rough. It’ll be interesting to see what he does with the arm he’s protracting. Good God, Spot, no. That’s the referee! Run, everybody. Run for your lives!” At press time, the robotic dog was reportedly showboating with a victory dance on a pile of its opponents’ corpses. 
Rams Yell At Cooper Kupp From Sidelines As He Sits In Endzone Playing With Ladybug He Found #~# INGLEWOOD, CA—Shaking their heads in frustration as the team lined up to take a first-down snap, members of the Los Angeles Rams were overheard yelling at wide receiver Cooper Kupp from the sidelines Sunday as he sat in the endzone playing with a ladybug he found. “Hey, Cooper! Cooper! Eyes up, we’ve got a game to play,” shouted head coach Sean McVay, waving his arms in an attempt to get the attention of the 28-year-old who was plucking individual blades of grass from the field and shouted back that he was busy building a home for his new best friend. “We talked about this in practice, bud, you need to stay alert. Until the whistle blows, the play is still going on—stand up! Put your friend down and get in the game, please—if you do, there’s a Capri Sun with your name on it. Oh, great, now [Cam] Akers is skipping over to join him.” At press time, Kupp was reportedly inconsolable after the ladybug’s house was carelessly crushed by an opposing player.
Sean McVay Gives Passionate Speech Reminding Players Who They Are And Why They Wearing Same Clothes #~# INGLEWOOD, CA—Calling a timeout to give his team a chance to reset, Rams head coach Sean McVay reportedly gave a passionate speech at the Super Bowl on Sunday reminding his players who they were and why they were wearing the same clothes. “Remember, you’re all here because you’re on a team together playing football, which is a game where two teams compete to score the most points, and wearing the same shirt means you’re on the same team, okay, guys?” McVay was heard to say before turning to quarterback Matthew Stafford and reminding him that his name was Matthew and his job was to throw the football to the guys with the same clothes as him. “Remember what we practiced, which is good plays for football. You need to go out there and play hard because playing football is your profession. You’ve got millions of people watching you play, which is totally normal, because they like to watch people who are really good at the game, and you’re the ones who are really good at it. Look at all those people up there wearing clothes the same color as your clothes because they appreciate what you do and want to win. They’re not on the team, though. They’re just watching. Remember that as you go out there and try to beat the other team. They’re the ones over there, with clothes that are a different color than your clothes. I don’t know what the numbers on the shirts are for, though. That’s a mystery for another day. Okay, now get out there and win!” McVay reportedly finished his passionate speech by reminding players that they were there to win, and not to do a puzzle, make healthy snacks, do chores, go on a walk, or play baseball.
Bandwagon Fan Only Roots For Bengals Because He Was Drafted Onto Team #~# INGLEWOOD, CA—Suspicious of the 21-year-old’s purported allegiance, sources confirmed Sunday that local bandwagon fan Ja’Marr Chase was only rooting for the Cincinnati Bengals because he was drafted onto the team. “Oh, so suddenly they start paying you and now you care about the Bengals? I don’t think so,” said 39-year-old Aaron Bray, a self-described lifelong Bengals fan who questioned whether the wide receiver would still be rooting for a Cincinnati Super Bowl victory if he had instead been drafted by a different team such as the Los Angeles Rams. “Where was this guy in the early aughts, huh, when we were slogging through disappointing season after disappointing season? He’s not even from anywhere near Cincinnati, for God’s sake. I just get so pissed off every time I hear him talk about the team using ‘we.’” At press time, Bray was shaking his head at Chase’s obviously brand-new jersey. 
Los Angeles Bulldozes SoFi Stadium After Reports That Thousands Of Vagrants Convening There #~# INGLEWOOD, CA—Stressing that the decision was made for the protection of its  citizens, the city of Los Angeles announced Sunday that it had bulldozed  SoFi Stadium after receiving reports of thousands of vagrants convening  there. “Unfortunately, we’ve heard concerns from numerous residents that this  stadium recently became a hotbed for thousands of suspicious  individuals, many of them rowdy and intoxicated,” said L.A. mayor Eric  Garcetti of the decision to demolish the stadium effective immediately,  noting that the city had received countless complaints about the noise  and eyesore created by the groups of the questionable individuals  grilling on the sidewalk and painting their faces in menacing colors. “We  just want to make this area a pleasant spot for Angelinos to congregate  and commute to work without having to worry about some mentally  disturbed individual screaming at them about Cincinnati. Honestly,  some people didn’t even want to cross the field with their kids for fear  of being tackled.” At press time, the city had announced plans to  convert the entire site into a large multi-story parking garage.
The Most Iconic Super Bowl Commercials Of All Time #~# In this iconic ad, 81-year-old Clara Peller uttered her catchphrase “Where’s the beef,” which swept the nation and launched her to fame that persists to this day, nearly two decades later because she is definitely still alive, just like everyone you love. No one ever dies. Life is eternal. There is no suffering. Everything will be okay.
Koala Officially Listed As Endangered #~# The Australian government has officially listed the koala as endangered, their numbers in decline due to land clearing and catastrophic bushfires shrinking its habitat, with experts saying the species could become extinct by 2050 unless the government takes urgent action. What do you think?
Inflation Jumps 7.5% Before Janet Yellen Realizes She Leaning Against ‘Turbo’ Lever #~# WASHINGTON—With markets tumbling as the Consumer Price Index climbed to a 40-year high, sources confirmed Friday that annual inflation had risen a full 7.5% before Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen realized she was reclining against a lever marked “turbo.” “Oh, shit, sorry,” said Yellen, who  jumped up as soon as she noticed she had leaned on one of the machines in the Treasury Building, sliding the economy past “rising” and “booming” until the whole contraption began to shake and emit loud bursts of steam. “That’s my bad. But why the hell do we keep this thing where anyone can just bump into it and trigger an inflationary spiral? Let me just…I think you just tug it back this way, but you have to be careful not to pull it so hard that it hits ‘recession’ on the other end.” After accidentally breaking the lever completely off, Yellen reportedly hid it under her jacket, began to whistle, and quietly walked away.
Athletes Describe What It’s Like To Be Inside Beijing’s Olympic Bubble #~# From the second they land in Beijing, athletes, coaches, reporters, and officials are quarantined inside a massive, closed-loop isolation area that they are not permitted to leave. We asked athletes what it’s like to live inside the 2022 Winter Olympic bubble, and this is what they said.
Pope Quietly Moves God To Different Universe After Deity Caught Molesting Altar Boy #~# VATICAN CITY—Acting swiftly and quietly in hopes of avoiding a PR nightmare, Pope Francis reportedly transferred God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, to a different universe Friday after He was caught molesting an altar boy. “You’re obviously a hugely valuable member of our organization, but we think given recent events it would be best for you to spend some time a few billion light years out of the spotlight,” Pope Francis reportedly told The Creator Of All Things in a private meeting, recommending that the deity use His time in the desolate reaches of a farflung dimension to say His devotionals and contemplate the scripture. “I know it’ll be a change of pace from the hubbub of the entirety of creation that you’re used to, but it’ll be a chance for some rest and quiet until all the creatures in known existence calm down a bit. At that stage, we should be able to promote you to a high ranking position in the Vatican without a problem.” At press time, Pope Francis had reportedly been forced to relocate God again after several beings of incomprehensible aspect accused Him of inappropriate touching.
What To Know About The Canadian Trucker Protests #~# A huge protest by Canadian truckers has entered its second week. The Onion answers the most important questions about the Canadian trucker protests.
Archaeologists Discover More Old Shit That Sucks #~# TUSUZAI, KAZAKHSTAN—Sighing at the end of another completely wasted day, a team of archaeologists confirmed Thursday they had discovered more old shit that sucks. “Our work at the site today has yielded more than 40 distinct pieces of complete crap,” archaeologist Karla Brandt said of the dig site in eastern Kazakhstan’s Tien Shan mountain range, in which her colleagues had discovered vast quantities of dirty and gross old stuff from the Wusun period that has no anthropological value whatsoever and, furthermore, totally fucking blows. “Most of this shit is so broken that it doesn’t tell us anything, and we just throw it away. A lot of this shit sucked to begin with, though. Like, what are these old-ass tools, and why are they so poorly made? What the fuck was wrong with this ancient civilization? And who designed all this crap? Imagine wasting your whole life decorating some poorly made clay shit with drawings that look like the worst possible versions of gods or animals. What a bunch of utter garbage.” At press time, the team of archaeologists reported from a nearby dig site that they had discovered a bunch of other shit that wasn’t nearly as old but sucked just as much.
Breast Reduction Surgeon Freaking Out After Misplacing Patient’s Nipples #~# NEW YORK—Visibly panicked as he scanned the operating room in vain, Dr. Edward Gallano, a plastic surgeon at New York­–Presbyterian Hospital, was reportedly freaking the hell out Friday after misplacing his patient’s nipples during a routine breast reduction surgery. “Dammit, they were right here a second ago,” said Gallano, who patted down his empty pockets before crawling under the operating table to see if the nipples had fallen down there, and then checked the bottoms of his shoes in case he had accidentally stepped on them. “I’m so fucked. I’ve looked in all the trays and behind all these machines, and I can’t find them anywhere. I swear to God, if one of the nurses made off with them, they’re going to be in big trouble. Shit! Well, maybe she won’t notice.” At press time, sources confirmed Gallano was wiping the dirt off the nipples, which he had found in the trash can after realizing he accidentally threw them away. 
Doctors In Canada Can Now Prescribe National Park Passes #~# A new program launched last month in Canada gives some doctors the option of providing patients with a free annual pass to the country’s national parks as part of an effort to increase access to nature and the health benefits to be found outside. What do you think?
Dolly Parton’s Dollywood To Offer All Employees Free Tuition #~# Dollywood’s parent company has announced they will start covering 100% of tuition, fees, and books for any of their employees across its 25 U.S. attractions who wish to further their schooling. What do you think?
Celebrity Chefs Reveal Their Favorite Super Bowl Snacks #~# “How about Jeffrey handles this one goddamn thing, huh? One day out of the year he can get himself a bowl of fucking chips.”
Florida Bullies Concerned ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Would Make It Tougher To Identify LGBTQ Students To Torment #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Worried it would hinder their capacity to direct meaningful ridicule and abuse at their schoolmates, bullies across Florida expressed concern Thursday that the state’s proposed “Don’t Say Gay” law would make it tougher to identify LGBTQ students to torment. “After failing to consult with a single elementary school bully, state lawmakers have written a bill that makes it nearly impossible for us to single out and harass all the gay, lesbian, and trans kids,” 11-year-old bully Nathan Blevins said of the bill, which has won the support of Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) and, if passed, would prohibit classroom discussion of sexual orientation and gender identity in all primary grade levels. “If we have no access to information about how our classmates choose to identify, then our only avenues to inflict emotional torture upon them will be socio-economic issues and physical attributes. Think about it: how are we supposed to pressure LGBTQ students into killing themselves on Snapchat and Instagram if we don’t even know who they are?” At press time, the bill had reportedly been amended to appease bullies by requiring LGBTQ students to wear an identifying patch on their outer clothing at all times.
Must-Read Reflections On Black History Month #~# February is Black History Month, and with it comes a variety of  essays, meditations, and musings on the month’s meaning as well as Black history in America writ large. The Onion sifts through the many essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile reflections on Black History Month.
Awkwafina Announces Plans To Return To Africa To Connect With Roots Following Twitter Departure #~# LOS ANGELES—Expressing a need to recharge and do some soul-searching in light of recent controversy, actress and rapper Awkwafina announced plans Thursday to return to Africa to connect with her roots following her departure from Twitter. “It’s time that I finally journey home to the birthplace of my ancestors in order to truly understand where my people come from,” said Awkwafina, explaining that growing up in Queens never gave her the opportunity to authentically experience her own culture decontextualized from Americanization. “If I don’t take the time to reconnect with my brothers and sisters in the motherland, how can I fully appreciate my heritage? There’s never been a better time for me to trace my lineage back to a specific African tribe. I know right now people have a lot of thoughts on who they think I am, but I know this trip will change me for the better as I connect with my people.” At press time, Awkwafina was heard praising how much her culture had accomplished by starting the Harlem Renaissance.
Hollywood Studios Locked In Massive Bidding War For Screenplay Entitled ‘Existing IP TBD’ #~# LOS ANGELES—With current offers for the work-in-progress rising as high as $250,000, multiple show-business insiders confirmed Thursday that every major Hollywood studio had become locked in a massive, frenzied bidding war for a screenplay entitled Existing IP TBD. “In terms of the sheer number of possibilities it leaves open, this script has more potential than anything I’ve read in my entire career,” said William Morris Endeavor agent Karen Arbuckle, who represents the virtually blank, 138-page screenplay reported to contain dummy text for scene headings and occasional placeholder dialogue by “[insert character here].” “I’ve been on calls with every studio head in town, and all of them are desperate to buy this property and build it into the next mega-franchise. All I can say is whoever comes out on top is going to have themselves a branded tentpole with the potential for four-quadrant success and plenty of subsidiary revenue streams through merchandising tie-ins.” At press time, William Morris Endeavor announced that after reading a single-page treatment consisting of the letters “TK,” Dwayne Johnson had become attached to the project.
Very Brave 25-Year-Old Flying On Plane All By Himself #~# NEW YORK—Commenting on how rare it was to see someone his age act so grown-up and confident while traveling alone, onlookers confirmed Thursday that they were impressed with the very brave 25-year-old on their plane who was flying all by himself. “Aw, look at him, he’s going on a whole big trip, and he doesn’t need his parents or anything!” said fellow passenger David Valdez, who remarked particularly on the 25-year-old’s ability to sit quietly and read a book for most of the flight from New York to Washington, D.C. “He got his seat belt buckled without any help, and he was even able to get up and find the bathroom on his own. There was one point where he seemed like he might have a little freak-out, but luckily a flight attendant was there to bring him a snack and he calmed right down.” At press time, the 25-year-old’s fellow passengers were reportedly saddened to see there was no adult to meet him at baggage claim. 
The Onion’s Super Bowl LVI Preview #~# Stafford will be primed to continue his inspirational run, showing millions of Americans what can happen when you finally leave the shitty company where you’ve wasted the best years of your career.
Tech Leaders Justify Project To Create Army Of AI-Controlled Bulletproof Grizzly Bears As Inevitable Part Of Progress #~# SUNNYVALE, CA—Attacking the “ignorant Luddites” who questioned the wisdom and necessity of the program, the nation’s top tech leaders issued a statement Thursday calling their industry’s plan to create an army of AI-controlled bulletproof grizzly bears an unavoidable and inevitable part of progress. “Let’s be real: Sentient machines that control thousand-pound bears with razor-sharp titanium claws are going to happen no matter what we do, so we might as well be the ones who do it,” said Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who, along with leaders such as Alphabet’s Sundar Pichai and Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, signed a letter pushing back against critics who had described the Grizzly Project as dangerous, unnecessary, and damaging to humanity. “Any kind of regulation on this front will only hinder America’s ability to design and mass-produce high-quality indestructible grizzlies, which is the way the world is headed. You can’t stop progress, and you can’t really separate deadly  bears that shoot acid from their mouths from the technology that helps people every day. Besides, these grizzlies have many nonlethal uses. Do you want to deny an elderly woman a powerful machine-bear hybrid that can carry her groceries and dispense her medication just because it also has the potential to kill millions of human beings?” At press time, Congress had approved $8 billion in research grants for the Grizzly Project after hearing China was well on its way to developing fire-breathing pandas. 
British Pub Closes After 1,000 Years Due To Pandemic #~# Ye Olde Fighting Cocks, an English pub north of London, that says it’s been operating since 793 A.D. has closed for good, with the owner citing the pandemic as being the cause for closure. What do you think?
Hyundai, Kia Tell Owners Of 500,000 Vehicles To Park Outside Due To Fire Risk #~# Hyundai and Kia are telling the owners of almost 500,000 cars and SUVs in the United States to park outside and away from buildings due to a possible defect that can cause the vehicles to spontaneously catch fire even when not running. What do you think?
Worst Super Bowl Halftime Performances Of All Time #~# U2’s emotional tribute to the 9/11 perpetrators fell flat.
Woman Shamelessly Sleeps Her Way Laterally Across Corporate Ladder #~# ST. LOUIS—Suspicious of the woman’s “meteoric” lateral movement, sources reported Wednesday that Erin Cioci, an employee at a local consulting firm, had shamelessly slept her way across the corporate ladder. “In less than six months, she’s moved from an entry-level position in finance all the way over to an entry-level position in communications—so, yeah, let’s just say there’s no way she got there on merit,” said a coworker of Cioci who spoke on condition of anonymity, blasting the 29-year-old public relations assistant as a “power-hungry hussy” whose depravity apparently knew no limits. “She’ll do whatever and whoever it takes to maintain a middling, dead-end position at this company. Who knows what’s next for that skank? I’ve seen her batting her little eyes at men in the customer service department, so don’t be surprised if she winds up with a cushy call center job next.” At press time, sources added that Cioci must be fucking some guy in the state unemployment office, because she had just been laid off.
White Spanish Teacher Does Emergency Refresher Before Meeting Latino Parents #~# TUCSON, AZ—As she nervously wiped another bead of sweat from her brow, sources reported Wednesday that white Spanish teacher Rachel McCuller did an emergency refresher before a meeting with the mother and father of a Latino student. “Come on, come on, come on—I gotta get all these conjugations down before Mr. and Ms. Domínguez arrive,” said McCuller, who had reportedly been listening to a Spanish podcast and flipping through a Berlitz phrase book in the hope she could remember enough of the language to get by during the 15-minute parent-teacher conference. “Oh God, I hope nothing around the classroom is mislabeled. I can’t roll my R’s, so that’s already going to be embarrassing. Ugh, I’m so screwed. Hablo, hablas, habla, hablamos…” At press time, McCuller was said to be relieved after discovering the Latino parents spoke English.
Idiot Watching ‘Yellowjackets’ Weeks After It Would Have Helped Him In Casual Conversation #~# CHICAGO—Recklessly  delving into the drama without so much as a thought to its waning  cultural importance, local idiot Matthew Zeigler reportedly started  watching Showtime’s Yellowjackets Wednesday, weeks after it would  have helped him in casual conversation. “Oh man, this is actually pretty  cool,” said the stupid fucking moron, who was either too ignorant or too flat-out brainless to understand that the horror survival  series could no longer provide him with any fodder for brief discussions with coworkers, or that his half-witted decision to view Yellowjackets at this late stage meant it would yield zero  fruitful text message chains about how the show was sort of like a  scarier version of Lost. “Honestly, I might even watch another  episode right now. [Time for me to throw away 10 hours of my life on a  series that people are barely even talking about anymore. But, hey,  that’s just the sort of choice you’d expect from a knuckle-dragging  dipshit like me!]” At press time, sources confirmed the absolutely pathetic excuse for a  conscious being had decided that after finishing this, he might move  on to 2021’s Squid Game.
Oklahoma Bill Would Fine Teachers $10,000 For Contradicting A Student’s Religious Beliefs #~# A new bill has been introduced in Oklahoma that would allow teachers to be sued for $10,000 if they offer an opposing view from the religious beliefs held by students, affecting subjects like LGBTQ+ issues, evolution, the big bang theory, and birth control. What do you think?
Tips For Eating Way More Meat #~# Many Americans want to transition to a plant-based diet, but other Americans want to eat more meat—a lot more. The Onion offers helpful tips for how to eat way more meat.
Glaring Examples Of How U.S. History Classes Are Whitewashed #~# While banning critical race theory is certainly a dangerous new precedent, the truth is, schools have always censored the history of race in America. Here are several glaring examples of how U.S. history classes are whitewashed.
Frontier, Spirit Airlines Merge To Create 5th-Largest Airline In U.S. #~# Budget carriers Frontier Airlines and Spirit Airlines have announced plans to merge in a $6.6 billion deal that would create the fifth-largest U.S. airline. What do you think?
NASA Slammed For Selecting U.S. Company To Build Rocket On Mars Rather Than Local Martian Engineers #~# WASHINGTON—NASA is reportedly facing a backlash Tuesday after selecting U.S.-based contractor Lockheed Martin to build a new rocket that will bring back samples from Mars, with critics arguing that the space agency should have hired local Martian engineers to do the job. “This would have been a brilliant way to revitalize the Red Planet’s economy by creating good-paying jobs for out-of-work Martian scientists, aerospace engineers, and other skilled laborers,” said Amnesty International spokesperson Morgan Heffrin, who noted that locals have far more knowledge and experience when it comes to building a spacecraft like NASA’s proposed Mars Ascent Vehicle, which must be capable of ascending through the Martian atmosphere for a return journey to Earth. “Unfortunately, NASA missed out on this great opportunity. When loading up and carting away rock, sediment, and atmospheric samples from a planet, it would seem appropriate to give something back to the native inhabitants. But instead, it’s just business as usual at NASA.” A press time, sources confirmed a plan to sabotage the Mars Ascent Vehicle was being hatched by the mysterious and ancient civilization of space worms that lives deep beneath the surface of Mars.
Wes Anderson Announces Next Film Will Be Love Letter To Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences #~# PARIS—Crediting the association as one of his greatest sources of inspiration, Wes Anderson announced Tuesday that his next film will be a love letter to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. “Ever since I was young, I’ve admired the Academy and the fantastic awards show they put on every season,” said Anderson, who explained the upcoming project would showcase his deep, longstanding affection for the Oscars organizers, with frequent collaborator Bill Murray already signed on to star as current Academy president John Bailey. “It’s a story I’ve been penning ever since the 74th ceremony in 2002. There’s so much unexplored romance, whimsy, and fantasy packed into the Academy’s history—I just find their voting process so endlessly fascinating.” At press time, Anderson added that the cast would be his largest ensemble yet in order to represent all 9,000 of the Academy’s eligible Oscar-voting members.
Sacklers Forced To Pay Families Of OxyContin Victims $4.5 Billion In Opioids #~# NEW YORK—Overturning a prior settlement that largely shielded them from liability, a federal judge ruled Tuesday that members of the Sackler family would now be legally obligated to pay surviving relatives of OxyContin victims $4.5 billion in opioids. “While this decision will not bring back those precious lives lost to the opioid crisis, it is this court’s hope that it will help the families they left behind by  giving them a way to numb the pain,” said U.S. District Judge Colleen McMahon, who faulted the Sacklers for aggressively marketing a drug they knew to be dangerous and ordered them to pay regular installments of OxyContin pills to survivors so they would always have an adequate supply of the highly addictive narcotics. “Our hearts go out to the victims’ loved ones, and we pray that as they search for a way to carry on, they can at least take some solace in these powerful drugs and, perhaps, sleep a bit more soundly at night.” The judge went on to explain that if the families preferred the settlement to be paid out in cash, they could always sell the stuff on the street.
Declining Bee Population Linked To Increase In Bees’ Pornography Consumption #~# ITHACA, NY—In a groundbreaking new investigation into the population decline of critical pollinators, entomologists at Cornell University published a study Tuesday that establishes a link between bees’ dwindling numbers and their increased consumption of pornographic materials. “It appears the marked collapse in honeybee colonies over the past 15 years can  be largely attributed to the male drones’ rampant use of hardcore bee pornography,” said head researcher Lisa Harrison, explaining that previous generations of bees masturbated less frequently and were more successful in reproducing due to limited access to images and video of raunchy bee-on-bee action. “Porn can warp the perspective of these insects, giving them unrealistic expectations of what it’s like to be one of the 20 or so males mating with the queen. Having viewed thousands of images of well-endowed drones may also make them self-conscious about the size of their own endophallus.” Alternatively, Harrison added, male honey bees may simply find the idea of sex unappealing upon learning from porn the all-too-real fact that after they ejaculate inside the queen their genitals are torn off and they fall to the ground and die.
Study Finds Majority Of Americans Die Without Ever Fulfilling Narrative Function #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Amid a growing body of research that suggests few Americans ever complete a compelling character arc, a new study published Tuesday by scholars at the University of Michigan found that the majority also die without ever fulfilling a narrative function. “According to our data, more than half the population live their entire lives without adding to the story in a meaningful way,” said the study’s lead author Brianna Mekler, explaining that while many within this subset of Americans will get a small cameo, they still won’t advance the plot or have an experience that aligns with any of the main themes. “What’s more, two-thirds of people in the United States never even obtain a small role in a B or C story. And, sadly, 85% are either not introduced until the third act or get dropped completely from the final cut.” However, Mekler added, most Americans do get the opportunity after they die to serve as part of a somber cautionary tale for one of the main characters.
New Ancestry.com Feature Warns Users When They Might Want To Stop Sticking Noses Where They Don’t Belong #~# LEHI, UT—In an effort to provide a safe experience for website visitors hoping to learn about their heritage, a new Ancestry.com feature released Tuesday warns users when they might want to stop sticking their noses where they don’t belong. “You need to stop right here and consider whether you really want to know about this part of the family tree,” read one pop-up notification, part of a new feature that an Ancestry.com spokesperson confirmed was intended to prevent users from  spending the rest of their lives reckoning with some horrific knowledge about their  family’s past. “Before you continue, just keep in mind that sometimes when you start digging, you don’t know where it will lead. You can keep looking, of course, but we just want to make clear that there are some skeletons in your family’s closet, and maybe it’s better not to pry. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, don’t you think? So go on now, look for your past somewhere else. Leave this one alone.” The new feature is reportedly just one of several additional safeguards Ancestry.com has rolled out recently, including one that requires users to pay several thousand dollars for particularly unsavory information in order to show that they’re serious and understand the consequences.
French Brewer Using Algae To Make Blue Beer #~# A French brewer has released a blue beer using algae that has a naturally occurring pigment, collaborating with a firm trying to popularize algae as a dietary supplement. What do you think?
Woman Dislikes How Thoughts Get Dark So Early During Winter #~# LANSING, MI—Explaining how difficult this time of year could be for her, local woman Rebecca McFadden told reporters Tuesday that the thing she disliked most about the winter was how early her thoughts got dark. “This time of year, it seems like I wake up and, before I know it, everything I think and feel starts to turn dark,” said 28-year-old McFadden, explaining her frustration with the fact that in the winter months her thoughts were already dark by the time she got off work. “In the summer, my mood will stay pretty light until around 9 p.m., but right now, things are getting gloomy by 5 or so. It gets really hard to motivate myself to do anything when it’s always so dark inside.” At press time, McFadden confirmed she was planning a vacation to a sunnier place where she could at least avoid continuously clouded thoughts.
Artists Explain Why They Are Boycotting Spotify #~# “While on the surface it’s about vaccine misinformation, in reality it was always about Pono, my media player and download service for high-resolution audio. Ditch Spotify and join the Pono revolution! The future is Pono. The future is Pono. The future is Pono.”
Pastor Holds Bonfire To Burn ‘Witchcraft’ Books Like ‘Twilight’ #~# A Tennessee far-right pastor hosted a book burning event, encouraging parishioners to toss books like Harry Potter and Twilight, as well as tarot cards and “voodoo dolls and crystals” into a fire to denounce what he described as “demonic” materials.” What do you think?
Winter Olympians To Watch #~# A citizen of both China and the United States, Gu is using her platform to promote peace and understanding so the two global powers can band together and crush the rest of the world.
Teacher Fired For Breaking State’s Critical Race Theory Laws After Telling Students She’s Black #~# COOKEVILLE, TN—In a move to protect students from being indoctrinated against their will with radical left-wing theories, a teacher at the local high school was reportedly fired Monday for breaking Tennessee’s critical race theory laws when she told her students she was Black. “Simply put, we cannot have a teacher in this school system poisoning our children’s minds with her belief that she is a Black woman,” school board president Dale Nevis said of the dismissed educator, adding that she had been warned several times that she was making students in her classes uncomfortable by teaching that there were Black teachers in schools. “Our new laws are clear, because it’s a simple case of student safety. We do not want our teachers doing critical race theory in schools, whether that’s forcing students to hear evil theories like ‘My parents are Black,’ or whatever the other critical race theories are that are only meant to divide us. Look, this divisive rhetoric, like ‘I am a Black person,’ is making our white students feel like they’re inherently inferior. This is a clear-cut case of reverse racism, and our school board won’t stand for it.” Nevis added that it was frankly a crazy Marxist fantasy that you’d ever see a Black person in a teaching position to begin with.
Chicago Tapes Saran Wrap Over City Borders To Cut Down On Heating Costs #~# CHICAGO—Telling residents the simple solution would save them big time in the long run, city officials announced Monday they would be duct-taping Saran wrap over Chicago’s borders to cut down on heating costs. “This is an easy, inexpensive fix that keeps the heat from leaking out into the suburbs,” said Mayor Lori Lightfoot, ripping off a 25-mile-long strip of duct tape with her teeth as an aide blow-dried a sheet of plastic wrap to remove wrinkles and keep it taut over the city’s perimeter. “Most people just crank up the heat without thinking about insulation. But a lot of that warmth is escaping into Indiana, and last time I checked, they weren’t offering to split our gas bill. An old city like this is going to get drafty in the winter. That’s just a fact, especially this close to the lake. But take a few hundred thousand feet of Saran wrap, tape it down, and voilà, our costs are cut nearly in half. Careful! Don’t let it snag on the skyscrapers.” At press time, several stray bullets had reportedly punctured the plastic, causing the city’s temperature to drop significantly despite the heat being set to a comfortable 68 degrees.
Dentist Thought Teeth In Movie Were Really Accurate #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Upon exiting the theater after a showing of American Underdog, local dentist Andrew Breitenstein told friends Monday that he thought the teeth in the film were really accurate. “Man, a lot of these Hollywood productions don’t care about attention to detail, but the teeth in that movie were perfect—they just nailed it,” said Breitenstein, who grew visibly excited as he speculated that the sports biopic must have had a dental consultant on set, because he hadn’t noticed a single tooth-based mistake in the entire runtime. “The gap in that one pair of teeth was hyperrealistic. And the slight underbite. You could see his incisors and everything. I could go on. Even small details, like the number of teeth each actor had? Those were right on. It’s so cool to see a big movie like this just swing for the fences in terms of dental accuracy.” Breitenstein went on to suggest that a cuspid that appeared later in the movie seemed like it was actually a little wink to dentists in the audience.
BREAKING: This Is A Reminder That Your Appointment To Read ‘The Onion’ Is Scheduled For Today #~# CHICAGO—Urging you to reply “yes” within the next half hour to confirm, sources issued a late-breaking reminder Monday that your appointment to read The Onion is scheduled for today. “This is a courtesy message reminding you that your appointment with TheOnion.com is today at 2 p.m.,” read the statement, which also reminded you that you were no longer within the 30-day grace period that would allow you to cancel without triggering a $50 rebooking fee, as per the terms and conditions you had reportedly signed. “We will hold your appointment for up to 10 minutes after the scheduled time; otherwise, the slot will be given to another reader interested in perusing TheOnion.com. In advance of this appointment, we advise you to prepare by signing up to receive The Onion’s daily newsletter in your inbox. Please have your ID in hand before clicking the link. Thank you.” At press time, sources reminded you that The Onion does not accept website insurance at this time.
Couple Finally Reaches Breaking Point In Relationship Where They Open, Honest With Each Other #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Acknowledging that situations change over time, local couple Maryanne Lavin and Kevin Tuxford confirmed Monday they had finally reached a breaking point in their relationship where they were open and honest with each other. “Things had just been building up for so long that we finally got to an impasse where all we could do was be emotionally vulnerable with one another,” said Lavin, adding that she knew  at some point she and Tuxford were going to have to express their thoughts and feelings. “One night, I just snapped and said, ‘I can’t do this anymore. Let’s sit down and talk it out.’ Now we’re just bringing up issues we have and discussing them with kindness and patience every night, and I’m afraid things will never get back to normal.” Lavin added that she’s now worried the pair could spiral into a pattern of asking each other how their day went and what their hopes and dreams are for the future.
Biden Administration Considering Pivot To Good Presidency #~# WASHINGTON—Signaling a potential change in strategy after a tumultuous first year, Biden administration officials confirmed Monday they were considering a pivot to a good presidency. “While we’re confident that the nation needed flailing, directionless leadership, we are starting to realize that what Americans want is a president who is good at his job and not bad at his job,” said press secretary Jen Psaki, who also relayed concern from Democratic insiders that it was an extremely risky move to try and be successful and popular instead of being despised, inept failures. “We’ve been focused on underperforming expectations and backtracking on key campaign promises, but now we’re thinking of changing course and concentrating on becoming effective for a while. There are some concerns from advisors that a transition to high approval ratings and strong support from the American people goes against the normal Democratic brand, but we think it might be worth a chance.” At press time, sources reported the administration had decided to back down from pivoting to a good presidency due to growing anxiety about the spending that would entail.
Study Finds Gas Stoves Leak Methane Even When Turned Off #~# A new study has found that gas stoves are contributing more to global warming than previously thought because of constant tiny methane leaks while they’re off, annually putting out an amount of greenhouse gases equivalent to 500,000 gas-powered cars. What do you think?
Rudy Giuliani Reveal On ‘The Masked Singer’ Prompts Judges To Walk Out #~# Ken Jeong and Robin Thicke, judges on The Masked Singer reality television show, reportedly walked off set in protest after the contestant who was singing and dancing underneath a disguise was revealed to be Rudy Giuliani. What do you think?
Timeline Of Queen Elizabeth’s Reign #~# Queen Elizabeth II celebrates her platinum jubilee on Feb. 6, 2022, marking 70 years of rule for the longest-serving monarch in British history. The Onion looks back at the highlights of her reign.
Janet Yellen Surveys Warehouse Of Topless Women Sorting Out U.S. Treasury Cash #~# CLINTON, MD—Puffing on a cigar as she strode up and down the lines of tables piled high with stacks of $100 bills, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen reportedly surveyed a warehouse Friday full of topless women sorting the department’s cash. “You’re all good girls, right? Momma takes care of you,” said Yellen, glancing over the shoulder and running her hands down the back of a nearly nude woman who was counting out and bundling hundreds of thousands of dollars of loose cash. “Quite the haul, girls. It’s been a good year. Keep it up, keep your hands to yourself, and you’ll all be getting a nice little taste later. We don’t want to be greedy, now. We all know what happened to Gina, right?” At press time, sources confirmed Yellen was cleaning a gun as a frightened 19-year-old was being brought into her office overlooking the warehouse.
Celebrity Chefs Describe Their Favorite Hangover Foods #~# After a long night of drinking, there’s nothing better than a big sloppy meal to sop it all up. We asked celebrity chefs to describe their favorite hangover foods, and this is what they said.
Kavanaugh, Gorsuch Recite Questions In Perfect Unison After Accidentally Memorizing Same Lines From Federalist Society Script #~# WASHINGTON—With the kerfuffle leading to a brief cessation in oral arguments, Supreme Court Justices Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch reportedly recited their questions in perfect unison Friday after accidentally memorizing the same lines from a script sent to them by the Federalist Society. “It seems to me such reasoning leaves open a radical reinterpretation of the Ninth and Fourteenth Amendments, potentially trampling on the civil liberties of American—hold on, is that me or you?” said Kavanaugh who, after he and Gorsuch had been speaking in precise synchronization for several minutes, pulled out a binder that had been provided to him by the influential conservative think tank. “How the hell did this happen? I swear, if one of my clerks highlighted the wrong lines, I’m going to lose it. Come to think of it, this didn’t quite sound like it was in my voice, but there’s no fucking way I’m going to commit another six pages of this shit to memory. Oh, goddammit, yup, look here—this whole thing was supposed to be an Amy Coney Barrett monologue.” Kavanaugh went on to express his frustration that the Federalist Society couldn’t have given him a non-speaking part like Justice Clarence Thomas. 
Fossilized Evidence Reveals Extinction Of Dinosaurs Led To Brief Epoch When Asteroids Ruled The Earth #~# MÉRIDA, MEXICO—Shedding new light on a rarely discussed prehistoric era, paleontologists from the Ohio State University announced Friday they had uncovered fossilized evidence that confirmed the extinction of dinosaurs led to a brief epoch when asteroids ruled the Earth. “The fossil record clearly shows that after annihilating the non-avian dinosaurs that dominated the planet 65 million years ago, these round, rocky carnivores quickly rose to the top of the food chain,” said Peter Jameson, head of an excavation team in the Yucatán that took core samples of the Chicxulub crater, from which the asteroids are believed to have first emerged before quickly spreading across the globe. “Their tough, craggy hide gave them an advantage over contemporary species. Small, rodent-like mammals, the early progenitors of human beings, survived by outrunning these lumbering predators during their short reign, and soon, cooling global temperatures led to a mass erosion event, wiping the asteroids out completely.” Jameson added that the descendants of the asteroids lived on to this day in the stones and pebbles that are still plentiful across the planet. 
Domino’s Offering To ‘Tip’ Customers $3 For Ordering Carry-Out #~# Domino’s announced it would be offering customers a $3 credit towards a future purchase if they order online and choose carryout, the pizza chain hoping the promotion helps to alleviate problems being caused by the worker shortage. What do you think?
Study Finds Deer Only Mammal Besides Humans That Totally Suck #~# STARKVILLE, MS—Shedding new light on the ecology of the common woodland creature, a new study published Friday by Mississippi State University biologists has found that deer are the only mammal besides humans that totally suck. “For centuries, the scientific community had assumed that humans were the only mammals who were completely insufferable, but after years of observation, we can confidently confirm that deer totally suck shit as well,” said lead researcher Dr. Monica Gold, adding that as soon as her team first noticed the fascinating link between humanity and all 43 species of deer bringing absolutely nothing to the table, “it was easy to find further evidence proving that both have always sucked big fat dick, as far as animals are concerned.” “While some of the more highly evolved species of apes also exhibit the capacity to be huge pieces of shit, the numbers fail to meet the threshold in which humans and deer are guaranteed to be annoying as all hell. In fact, we found that 100% of members of the genus Homo and the family Cervidae unilaterally share the uncanny ability to fucking blow 100 percent of the time, across all ages and variations in species.” The study also proved conclusively that armadillos are the only mammals who totally rule.
Tide Unveils New Guy Who Will Lick Stains Off You #~# CINCINNATI—Hailing the product as a major breakthrough in laundry technology, the detergent brand Tide announced Thursday that its top-selling line of household products now includes a guy who comes into your home and licks the stains off you. “We at Tide are proud to introduce Greg, our latest weapon in the war against those pesky spills and splashes,” read a press release that accompanied the product, explaining how Greg’s patented stain-fighting saliva and ultra-absorbent tongue work to obliterate even the toughest, most set-in stains. “Just yell out, ‘Greg!’ and he’ll come on over and get to work. Whether it’s coffee, wine, dirt, or blood, he’ll lick it all up. So the next time you accidentally smear chocolate all over your pants, give Greg a shout!” The press release went on to warn customers that before using Greg, they should test him out on an inconspicuous area of clothing to avoid potential discoloration.
FBI Urges Olympic Athletes To Leave Personal Cell Phones At Home #~# The FBI has warned Olympic athletes not to bring their personal phones but to get burner phones instead before heading to Beijing for the Winter Games, citing possible “malicious cyber activities.” What do you think?
Pentagon Pleasantly Surprised To Discover ISIS Leader Killed During Indiscriminate Bombing Of Middle East #~# WASHINGTON—In a development they described as a “fortuitous coincidence,” top Pentagon officials confirmed Thursday they were pleasantly surprised to discover ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi was killed during their indiscriminate bombing of the Middle East. “In the early hours of the morning, American forces stumbled onto the ISIS leader’s body and concluded he had been taken out at some point during our routine scattershot bombing of the region,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, describing the “unexpected treat” of pulling the corpse of the terrorist commander from rubble containing dead civilians from  several unrelated U.S. drone strikes. “This victory is the culmination of a years-long campaign in which thousands of shells and munitions have exploded randomly all across the region. Frankly, we didn’t  realize it had happened until we heard some radio chatter that he’d been killed. But, still, we’ll take it.” Pentagon officials added that they looked forward to expanding their counterterrorism mission until aimlessly fired U.S. explosives reached every corner of the globe.
Democrats, Republicans Spar Over Whether Judge ‘Unnamed Black Woman’ Qualified For Supreme Court #~# WASHINGTON—Digging in for what could  become a weeks-long battle, Democratics and Republicans in Congress  reportedly began sparring Thursday over whether Judge Unnamed Black Woman was qualified for the Supreme Court. “I’m shocked that President Biden, who was elected to office with the promise that he would bridge the partisan divide, would pick someone as polarizing and radical as Judge Unnamed Black Woman,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who refuted Senator Chuck Schumer’s assertion that Unnamed Black Woman was the most outstanding pick for the vacancy given her sterling record on TBD issue as well as her impressive education at Ivy League University. “My colleagues in the Senate and I have looked into Unnamed Black Woman’s records and are quite alarmed by what we’ve seen. If President Biden wants to fill this vacancy, he’s going to have to meet us halfway with a sensible candidate like Unnamed White Woman.” At press time,  Democrats had begun expressing their admiration for the Supreme Court pick by christening her with the adoring nickname “UBW.”
Washington Commanders Primed To Sign Free Agents After Receiving $30 Billion From Defense Budget #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the cash windfall will go a long way in shoring up their mediocre offense, the newly renamed Washington Commanders told reporters Thursday that they are primed to sign top-tier free agents this off season after receiving $30 billion in funding from the U.S. Department of Defense. “We had some good cap space already, but this funding from Congress will give us a big boost over the teams constrained by the normal $200 million salary cap,” said team GM Martin Mayhew, who expressed interest in using the billions earmarked for national defense to make a run at Davante Adams and J.C. Jackson as well as build a new stadium and hire a world-class support staff to lure talent in the future. “We didn’t even request this money. A check from the Defense Department just showed up in the mail the day after we announced the name change. But I’ll be the first to admit we have big needs on both sides of the ball and this cash means we can easily sign every single free agent out there and see who works out. The only downside is that we’re required to sign a $22 billion non-functioning bomber jet from Boeing as our kicker.” At press time, the Commanders were appearing before Congress to request a 50% increase in funding after burning through the entire budget in less than 48 hours.
Movies That Were Changed Drastically For Chinese Audiences #~# In China, the world’s largest movie market, stringent government censorship often leads to movies being drastically altered in ways that do not reflect the intentions of filmmakers. Here  are some of the most notable cases of movies that were re-edited for Chinese  audiences.
Tom Brady Announces Retirement #~# Tom Brady has officially announced his retirement from the NFL after 22 record-breaking seasons, ending his career after winning seven Super Bowls with the New England Patriots and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. What do you think?
A Week In The Life Of Rihanna #~# Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion hung out with pop star and fashion mogul Rihanna to get a window into a typical week in her life.
Centuries Of Agricultural Inbreeding Produce Apple With Warped, Protruding Jaw #~# SALEM, OR—In an unsettling development that elicited gasps and whispered horror from local townspeople, orchard sources reported Thursday that centuries of agricultural inbreeding had produced an apple with a warped, protruding jaw. “They’ve tried to keep the Granny Smith bloodline pure for 150 years, but nature doesn’t like that sort of thing,” said Oregon native Eric McCree, who claimed that concerns over diluting the reputedly superior genetics of the prized cultivar had led local farmers to only cross-pollinate new trees with seeds from the same original apple. “Over time, these incestuous unions produce fruit that is mushy and weak. Last year a whole crop died from blight, but our local orchard still refuses to plant seedlings outside the Granny Smith pedigree, insisting that other apples aren’t fit and would pollute the lineage. But look at ’em. Some of them even have tongues that just stay flopped out of their mouths.” At press time, the apple breeders had reportedly secured a powerful alliance by obtaining the promise of a grafting between a Granny Smith and one of Washington State’s most prominent honeycrisps.
‘New York Times’ Buys Online Game Wordle #~# The New York Times announced Monday it has bought Wordle, the free once-a-day online word game that exploded in popularity in recent months, saying the game would initially remain free once it moves over to the Times’ site. What do you think?
Do We Live In A Simulation? The Onion Explains #~# Debate among scientists has risen in recent years about whether we live in a simulation, but what does that even mean, and what would be the consequences if we did? The Onion answers common questions about whether we live in a simulation.
Mississippi Undergoes Controlled Demolition To Make Way For New High-End Luxury U.S. Territory #~# JACKSON, MS—In an effort to revitalize the country’s geographical holdings, the state of Mississippi reportedly underwent a controlled demolition Wednesday to make way for a new high-end luxury U.S. territory. “We are excited to announce that as part of a nationwide renewal initiative, we have detonated charges throughout the Magnolia State, clearing a nearly 50,000-square-mile area that fell into disrepair many years ago,” said Interior Secretary Deb Haaland, who remarked that Mississippi had long been an underperforming asset, and so it only made financial sense to level the state and make way for a more lucrative, elite territory with the potential to contribute more to America’s bottom line. “Once the rubble has been carted away, we will be auctioning off homesteading rights to the highest bidder. Inhabitants will then be asked to pay $100,000 in annual residency dues, which will grant them access to opulent cities outfitted with all-new infrastructure, elegant restaurants created by award-winning chef David Chang, and exclusive recreational opportunities along the shore of the newly rebranded Gulf of the U.S.A.” The secretary added that because of the questionable region in which it was located, the new federal territory would be gated to prevent break-ins from residents of surrounding states. 
Study Finds Majority Of Cavities Formed From Repeatedly Running Tongue Over Tooth That Feels Weird #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Representing a breakthrough in dental health, a study published Wednesday by Harvard University  found that a majority of cavities were formed when people repeatedly ran their tongue over a tooth that felt weird. “In our research, the leading cause of tooth decay was a subject rubbing their tongue along a molar that felt slightly odd over and over again until the enamel had been completely worn down,” said the study’s lead author, Jeremy O’Markey, telling reporters that acids on the human tongue, combined with its rough surface, were extremely harmful for teeth and could cause them to begin to break down after only six or seven exploratory prods. “About the only thing worse  for dental hygiene is giving the afflicted tooth a little jab with your finger or a floss pick, which is basically guaranteed to make it collapse on impact.” O’Markey added that his team’s research had also confirmed that dreams about teeth falling out signified that you were pulling your teeth out while you slept. 
Worst Career Advice Baby Boomers Give Millennials #~# That’s going to open way fewer doors than a boomer thinks.
Study Finds Only 97% Of Eye Contact Sexual In Nature #~# NEW  YORK—In a finding that reverses decades of conventional scientific wisdom, a  sociological study from Columbia University revealed Wednesday that only  97% of eye contact is sexual in nature. “Our research suggests that a  stunning 3% of all cases of a coworker, friend, or complete  stranger making momentary eye contact are not attempts to seduce or even  playfully flirt with you,” said study co-author Dr. Hamilton Morris before quickly clarifying that the vast majority of commuters on trains,  baristas, TSA agents, bar patrons, dentists, and supermarket  shoppers still use brief eye contact in order to  suggest sexual interest and urge you to initiate intimacy as soon as  possible. “It’s important to emphasize that locking eyes for any span  longer than a few seconds causes this percentage to jump precipitously.  As a result, it remains safe to assume that virtually any  individuals—even police officers, rabbis, or funeral directors—looking  you dead in the eye are aroused and want to get you off as quickly as  they can.” In another finding, the team discovered that only 49% of eye contact from one’s pet is a smoldering come-hither look.
Trump Says He Will Pardon Capitol Rioters If He Runs For And Wins 2024 Election #~# Former President Donald Trump promised at a recent rally in Texas that he will pardon supporters who attacked the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021 if he runs for and wins the 2024 presidential election. What do you think?
Rihanna Expecting First Child With A$AP Rocky #~# Pop star and fashion mogul Rihanna is expecting her first child with her boyfriend, rapper A$AP Rocky, debuting her bare baby bump while the couple was on a walk in NYC. What do you think?
Tom Brady Spends First Day Of Retirement Studying Tape Of People To Learn How They Work #~# TAMPA, FL—Diligently taking notes on hours of slowed-down video footage, future Hall of Fame quarterback Tom Brady reportedly spent his first day of retirement Tuesday studying tape of people to learn how they operate off the field. “It’s important I study every minute of this so I know what to expect out there,” said the 22-year NFL veteran, pausing on a surprise handshake between two middle-aged men before zooming in on the moment, circling the interlocking palms, and then rewinding and watching it again. “See the way they make firm contact here, midway up the torso, both feet strongly planted on the ground? I think that’s going to be the key to winning out there. It almost looks like they’re pulling both corners of their mouths upward in a reverse-double-hook pattern—I’ve never seen that before. I’m going to have to run this a few more times in the mirror before I hit the showers.” At press time, sources confirmed Brady had been benched after a botched neighborly wave left him with a fractured wrist. 
Bookie Can Be Real Jerk When He Doesn’t Get His Money #~# PATERSON, NJ—Explaining that his gambling associate was otherwise a perfectly pleasant individual, local man Jim Hameroff, 49, told reporters Tuesday that his bookie could be a real jerk when he didn’t get his money. “I tell you, my bookie gets a real bee in his bonnet anytime I don’t pay him, or I come up short by a couple hundred bucks,” said Hameroff, noting that the bookmaker would be his best friend one minute, when a boxing match was coming up, but a bit of a prick the next, when he didn’t get his cash right away. “Everything can be peachy keen, but then I’m a few weeks late with a payment, and suddenly, he turns into a big, mean grump, dangling me over a balcony railing or threatening to break my ankles. Now, I admit that I can be a little emotional myself sometimes, but it’s usually in response to him screaming while pointing a gun at my head and threatening to kill my family if he doesn’t get paid.” Hameroff added that despite the bookie’s mercurial disposition, he was always full of encouragement when it came to betting on a 16-to-one underdog, for which Hameroff was appreciative, because that kind of support could be hard to find.
FTC Questions Merger Of Google With U.S. Government #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the move sparked antitrust concerns, as well as fears about the increased concentration of power in fewer corporate hands, the Federal Trade Commission  questioned Tuesday the merger of Google with the U.S. government. “The proposal to merge Google, the three branches of government, and all 137 federal agencies under the parent company Alphabet does raise some alarm bells,” said FTC chair Lina Khan, who requested a temporary pause on the merger announced yesterday by President Joe Biden and Alphabet CEO Sundar Pichai, so officials could evaluate whether it potentially ran afoul of federal rules. “Combining the U.S. government and Google may not be without its positive effects, but frankly we at the FTC are struggling to see what real benefits American consumers will derive from combining one of the nation’s largest search engine, online advertising, and cloud computing companies with one of the nation’s largest providers of social services and public education. The merger of Google’s ad division with the Pentagon alone raises some fairly serious ethical concerns. Ultimately, we’re willing to hear it out, of course, but we must express our concerns about the precedent that merging the entire structure of the U.S. government with Google sets for corporate oversight going forward.” At press time, the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation had approved the merger by a unanimous vote. 
Voter Suppression Laws In Every State #~# The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how voters are “legally” intimidated, disenfranchised, and discriminated against at the state level.
Climate Report Finds Humanity’s Plot To Kill Off Emperor Penguin By Heating Planet Going Exactly As Planned #~# GENEVA—Confirming that carbon emissions are on track to meet its ambitious goals, the U.N. Framework Convention on Climate Change released a report Tuesday that found humanity’s ongoing plot to kill the emperor penguin by heating the planet was going exactly as planned. “We have every reason to believe that human civilization will succeed in its centuries-long plan to wipe this horrible species off the face of the earth,” the report read in part, explaining how the scheme had proceeded on schedule since 1760, when widespread disgust with penguins inspired world leaders and titans of commerce to launch the industrial revolution and thereby stimulate the production of greenhouse gases. “We knew when we started out that it would be a challenge to meet our goal of reducing this idiotic flightless bird’s population to zero, but everyone is playing their part and we are making great strides. Credit goes not only to the powerful interests that ensure we continue to burn fossil fuels, but to the ordinary citizens who have dramatically changed their lifestyles in order to help eradicate the most hated creature on our planet.” Responding to criticism that it was only paying lip service to the cause of killing  emperor penguins, the U.N. issued a statement that said it was melting sea ice as fast as it could and would “drown those fuckers one by one” if necessary.
New York City Ethics Board Says Mayor Can Hire Brother For $1 #~# A New York City ethics panel has agreed that Mayor Eric Adams can hire his brother as a senior security adviser, but only at $1 per year and with no power over department personnel, not the $240,000 salary the position was supposedly set to pay. What do you think?
Republican Retracts False Claims Schools Providing Litter Boxes For Furries #~# Nebraska state lawmaker Bruce Bostelman has apologized after citing a debunked rumor that schools are accommodating children who self-identify as cats by placing litter boxes in bathrooms. What do you think?
‘Elden Ring’: The Official OGN Guide (And How We Beat The Game In Under 30 Minutes) #~# Elden Ring has sold over 12 million copies in the month since its release, providing gamers with hours upon hours of what passes for enjoyment these days. Gameplay can be tricky, but it’s ultimately rewarding if you follow OGN’s tips and tricks.
Ukrainian Delegate Knows It Dangerous To Eat At Peace Talks, But Brownie Just Too Tempting #~# ISTANBUL—Stressing  that he understood the risks involved in consuming anything offered at  the latest round of peace talks, Ukrainian negotiator Mykhailo Podolyak told reporters Thursday that a freshly baked brownie was  simply too tempting to pass up. “Obviously we’ve been warned not to  touch any of the food or drink, but they didn’t prepare us for how  perfectly moist and fudgy these things would be,” said the high-level  delegate who reportedly eyed the plate of baked chocolate confections  with a mixture of suspicion and hunger while noting that he hadn’t eaten  all day and the brownies would clearly go down great with a glass of  cold milk. “There’s no question that I’m taking my life into my own  hands if I try even a little nibble, no matter how ooey-gooey and warm they might  look...oh, hell, I can’t  resist! I’ll just eat around the puncture mark and see what happens.” At  press time, the chocolate-covered delegate was reportedly clutching his  stomach in pain, unsure whether he had been poisoned or was merely sick  from housing the entire plate of baked goods in one go.
Report: Incredible Thrill Of Shooting White Rhino And Watching It Die In Danger Of Extinction #~# TUCSON, AZ—Urging immediate action to safeguard the fun of killing exotic animals, a report out Thursday from Safari Club International stated that the incredible thrill of shooting a white rhinoceros and watching it die was in danger of extinction. “If we do not act quickly and decisively, our children will never experience the majesty of seeing the life disappear from a white rhino’s eyes,” said Laird Hamberlin, CEO of the hunting advocacy group, explaining that as stewards of the planet, humankind had an obligation to preserve the exhilarating rush that comes from putting a bullet into the skull of “such a magnificent creature” while on vacation in the South African savanna. “The coming years will be crucial if we hope to save the pure joy of massacring a white rhino and watching it lie there in the grass, slowly bleeding out. We do not want the great tradition of putting one’s arm around a white rhino corpse and smiling for a photo that will be posted on social media to one day vanish from the planet.” Hamberlin added that it may soon be too late to rescue the sense of overweening self-importance one feels when mounting the head of a dead rhinoceros, hanging it on a wall, and referring to it as a trophy.
U.S. Doomsday Bunker Company Sees Sales Spike 1,000% #~# A Texas-based company that sells “doomsday bunkers” claims that sales have spiked 1,000% for units ranging from $40,000 to a $8.5 million “aristocrat” bunker that fits up to 44 people after Russia invaded Ukraine. What do you think?
Underfunded School Forced To Use Out-Of-Date History Books As Lunches #~# DELHI, LA—Citing state budget cuts and rejected requests for federal aid, Delhi High School officials told reporters Wednesday that the underfunded school now had no choice but to use out-of-date history books as lunches. “Unfortunately, our students will have to consume obsolete texts that were published as far back as the 1980s and lack the nourishment young minds need,” said  principal Maris Gourdine, observing the books were too old to include the past half century of history, which education experts agree is necessary for a properly balanced diet. “These books are the only meal some of these kids will get all day, so not being able to provide important events like 9/11 and America electing its first Black president means they will have to go hungry. What’s more, a lot of our students won’t swallow the pages that tell them the Civil War was merely a dispute over states’ right, and I can’t say I blame them.” Gourdine added that there was a shocking difference between her school and those in predominantly white communities that not only had new textbooks in the cafeteria, but also gave each student an iPad to eat. 
Dad Can’t Believe How Much Disney World Charging For Sex With Goofy #~# ORLANDO, FL—Stressing that the experience with the costumed mascot was a “total racket,” local dad Simon Marshall couldn’t believe this week how much Disney World was charging for sex with Goofy. “For a family of five, the amount Disney is asking to plug all Goofy’s holes is borderline extortion,” said Marshall, explaining that when he used to come to the park with his parents in the ’90s, they would be able to attend an orgy with all the princesses for the same price. “I can’t believe we waited in line for hours just to get a lame, half-hearted handjob from Goofy. It lasted less than 30 seconds. And afterwards, they had the nerve to charge for a picture. Hopefully R2D2 will be better.” At press time, an annoyed Marshall pulled out his wallet after his family asked if they could ride Goofy again.
Popular New TikTok Influencer Just Teaches Teens To Tie Nooses #~# LOS ANGELES—Quickly amassing young followers in the tens of millions, popular new TikTok influencer Eva Belle just posts videos teaching teens how to tie nooses, sources reported Thursday. “So, I’m using bright yellow today, but you can use whatever color you want,” said the social media personality in a recently posted video, whose viral content inspired teenagers across the country to try their hand at creating fun nooses they could hang from their bedroom light fixtures or another sturdy spot. “I also like to add some glitter to my noose, it’s very Y2K! Also, guys, please, please, please make sure you wrap it several times. Otherwise, instead of your neck snapping instantly, you’ll be slowly strangled to death, which, ugh, cringe.” At press time, Eva Belle had appeared on the The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon to demonstrate how easy it was to stockpile pain pills.
Diners Forced To Quarantine In Hotpot Restaurant #~# Chinese authorities forced dozens to quarantine overnight in a hotpot restaurant after a Covid-19 case was detected at the location, a measure in accordance with the country’s policy for rapid lockdowns and other restrictions whenever clusters emerge. What do you think?
Man Really Only Joined Angry Mob To Show Off Fancy New Torch #~# MOBILE, AL—Appearing disinterested as he marched among a horde of angry townspeople Thursday, a local man acknowledged to reporters that he had really only joined an angry mob parading through the streets so he could show off his fancy new torch. “To be honest, I really don’t know what we’re opposing or supporting here, I just wanted to give this baby a whirl,” said Tony Miller, 29, growing animated as he discussed his torch’s detailed craftsmanship and remarked upon how it was probably of high enough quality to be used in an Olympic ceremony. “It’s great for brandishing. You can flail it around as much as you like, and it really gets the job done. I’ve gotten some pretty nice compliments on it, and one guy seemed impressed when I showed him how comfortable the grip is. Clearly, everyone out here tonight is genuinely upset about something, and I can respect that. But if I contribute anything to this scene, it’ll be to convince some of these folks to upgrade from their Tiki torches.” At press time, Miller was reportedly showing off the antique hand-forged pitchfork he had purchased online.
Trump’s Missing Jan. 6 Phone Logs #~# Calls advisors to ask if it time to switch to anonymous burner phone.
Ginni Thomas And History’s Most Controversial Political Spouses #~# Conservative activist Ginni Thomas has come under fire for text messages to then-President Trump’s chief of staff in which she advocates overturning the 2020 election. This has led to questions about whether her husband, Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, should recuse himself from election-related cases, or even resign. The Onion looks back at the most controversial spouses of political figures throughout history.
History’s Greatest ‘Dance Dance Revolution’ Player Tragically Born Decades Too Late #~# DAYTON, OH—Watching him nail routine after routine on a dingy game mat he had found in a box of his parents’ old things, sources confirmed Wednesday that history’s greatest Dance Dance Revolution player, 10-year-old Noah Wilson, had tragically been born decades too late. “It’s truly a shame to witness such an unrivaled talent, knowing that the craze peaked long ago and his abilities are of no use to anyone,” said former DDR champion Soda Yasushi, 38, who fondly recalled a time when the game had been ubiquitous in arcades, bowling alleys, and bars around the world, and wistfully observed that it all seemed to have been cast aside as quickly as it appeared. “My God, look at those up-down jump combos. I’ve never seen anything like it. He’s only a child, yet he has mastered ‘Let’s Groove’ without breaking a sweat—and without having heard the song before! It’s so sad the days of Dance Dance Revolution are long behind us, for he would have made a formidable adversary. I would like to have competed against him in Versus mode, but it was not to be. What a complete waste.” At press time, Wilson had reportedly mastered “Through The Fire And Flames” in expert setting on Guitar Hero, another astounding feat not appreciated by anyone in today’s society.
Terminal Cancer Wasted On Man Who Was Already Living In The Moment #~# LEXINGTON, KY—Lamenting that he had squandered a perfectly good case of metastatic colon cancer, local man Josh Talbott told reporters Wednesday that a terminal diagnosis had been wasted on his friend who was already living in the moment. “When the doctors told him he had three months to live, it’s like, whatever, he was already cherishing every moment he had with friends and family, and living every day like it was his last,” said Talbott, adding that the life-ending disease could have been used so much more effectively on someone who didn’t value the precious life they’d been given and desperately needed a wake-up call. “Yeah, it’s sad that his time with us has been cut painfully short, but maybe what’s sadder is that this could have really given someone a new lease on life and taught them to make the most of whatever time they had left. Why would you throw that kind of golden opportunity away on someone who already found peace, love, and joy? Give it to an asshole businessman or something.” Talbott added that while his friend needed a miracle to survive, that would probably be a waste too, because he already believed in a higher power.
‘This City. These People. All Sheep, And I Am Their Shepherd,’ Says Eric Adams, Looking Out Over New York #~# NEW YORK—Clasping his hands behind his back and looking out over Manhattan’s iconic skyline, New York mayor Eric Adams was reported to have said, “This city. These people. All sheep, and I am their shepherd,” as he launched into a monologue Wednesday. “I and I alone am the line between order and chaos, guiding toward the light these confused, woeful masses who wander in darkness,” said Adams, who reportedly cast his gaze on the citizens below and contemplated how fortunate they were to have a place in the palm of his merciful hand. “Without me, without my power and my will, each of these 8 million souls would be condemned to a wretched life and death amidst a twisted, seething cesspool of humanity. As they cling to a crumbling precipice, they reach out, in their desperation, to the one man whose whims control their destiny: to me, to their protector, to New York’s greatest benefactor, to Eric Adams!” At press time, sources reported Adam had retired for the night to his apartment in New Jersey.
Taylor Swift To Receive Honorary Doctorate From NYU #~# Taylor Swift will receive an honorary doctorate of fine arts from New York University during a commencement ceremony at Yankee Stadium where she will address graduates of 2022 as well as those unable to have a ceremony due to the pandemic in 2021 and 2020. What do you think?
Venice Hotel Guests Issued Water Guns To Shoot Gulls #~# Hoteliers in Venice are supplying tourists with water guns to help ward off aggressive seagulls that have become increasingly bold in swooping down to steal food as visitors dine on hotel terraces. What do you think?
Academy Condemns Will Smith For Most Violent Incident Since Frances McDormand Gunned Down 43 At 1997 Oscars #~# LOS ANGELES—Announcing that they had opened a formal review of the event in question, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Scientists condemned Will Smith Tuesday for the most violent incident since Frances McDormand gunned down 43 people.  “The Academy in no way condones Mr. Smith’s actions, which served as a painful reminder of the dozens of innocent bystanders who were ruthlessly slaughtered by Frances McDormand at the Oscars ceremony of 1997,” said the Academy in a statement, adding that the organization had worked for years to recover from the Fargo actress’ senseless killing spree when she walked up and down the aisles with a rifle murdering dozens of audience members, including actors, extras, and cinematographers. “After Frances committed her horrible crimes, she cackled, shot several bullets into the ceiling, and then calmly walked up to the stage covered in blood to accept her award. We at the Academy swore we would never let a day like that ever happen again, but now that Will Smith has slapped Chris Rock, we fear those dark days have returned.” At press time, the Academy refused to answer questions about why Frances McDormand’s Oscar had not been revoked despite the fact that she then used it to fatally bludgeon several security officers.
Starving Yemeni Civilians Thank Media For Privacy During Difficult Time #~# SANAA, YEMEN—Praising international news organizations for their discretion, starving Yemeni civilians  reportedly thanked the media Tuesday for giving them privacy during a difficult time. “When your community is in crisis, the last thing you want is to have the news media draw attention to you,” said Faraz al-Hadrami, one of numerous Yemenis who expressed appreciation to leading newspapers and broadcast news outlets for allowing them to grieve the starvation deaths of their spouses and the Saudi bombing deaths of their children in private. “Enduring a blockade of food and medicine for years has been difficult enough without members of the media making a big deal out of it, so we’re really glad they haven’t. It would be easy to drop in and snap a few pictures of sick children and bombed-out neighborhoods, but reporters have shown that they’re above dragging our problems through the press. This is a very difficult period in all of our lives, made more difficult by the continued deaths of our loved ones and community members, and we want to say thank you to all the Western journalists who are mature enough to give us space. Frankly, the suffering we’re going through is no one’s business but ours.” Yemeni civilians went on to ask the media to continue honoring their privacy and giving them time to heal from a lack of food. 
Restaurant Workers Explain Why They Quit During The Pandemic #~# The hospitality industry has been hit particularly hard by Covid-19, leaving restaurants unable to hire waiters, chefs, and other support staff. The Onion interviewed several restaurant workers to ask why they quit during the pandemic, and this is what they said.
Sobriety Completely Changes Way Man Gains Weight #~# CHICAGO—Opening up about how much different his life is these days, local man Brian Hinsdale told reporters Tuesday that his newfound sobriety had completely changed the way he gains weight. “For years, anytime I started putting on the pounds, it was because of how much beer I was drinking, but now that happens as a result of all the extra snacks I’m compulsively eating,” said the 36-year-old with more than 11 months of sobriety under his belt, adding that if it weren’t for the support of friends and family, he never would have been able to quit alcohol and replace the empty calories in his diet with salty, fatty foods and sugary treats. “I used to feel puffy and bloated all the time, and it’s no wonder, considering I would come home from the office, sit down on the couch, and work my way through a six-pack of IPA before bed. Nowadays, I step on my bathroom scale and see I’m getting the exact same results by methodically consuming a sleeve or Oreos or a 10-ounce bag of Doritos each night. I have so much more clarity every morning when I wake up feeling like shit, and I’m thankful for that.” Hinsdale went on to credit his Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor for reminding him to appreciate the small things in life, like how good prepackaged donuts from a convenience store could be.
Woman Quickly Smashes Plate Over Head So She’ll Have Something To Talk About At Therapy #~# YONKERS, NY—Panicking after realizing she had absolutely nothing for their weekly session, local woman Janine Welch was reported to have quickly smashed a plate over her head Tuesday so she’d have something to talk about at therapy. “Shit, shit, I forgot that was today—how is there nothing going on in my social life, romantic life, or work life to unpack?” said Welch, who after spotting a pile of dirty dishes nearby, shrugged, picked up a ceramic plate, and smashed it against her skull until it shattered into several large pieces and fell to the floor. “Ow, yep, that’ll work. It’s certainly irrational of me, and it goes against every single coping mechanism she’s told me to try. I’m paying $75 a session, and it’s too late to cancel, so I’d better get something out of this, right?” At press time, sources confirmed Welch was laughing sheepishly after her therapist explained that it was totally natural and showed her the shards of a broken plate she had smashed over her own head earlier that day.
McDonald’s Launches $99 Ripoff Menu #~# CHICAGO—Boasting that it was the absolute worst value of any fast food restaurant in the country, McDonald’s announced Tuesday that the company had launched a $99 ripoff menu. “Starting today, McDonald’s customers can buy all of their favorite classic items, like a quarter pounder with cheese, small fries, or four-piece chicken nuggets, for the highly unaffordable price of $99,” said CEO Chris Kempczinski, noting that for just a $100 upgrade, customers could also add on a small soft drink or hash brown to any inflated McDonald’s purchase. “No matter where you go, we guarantee you’ll never find prices more unreasonable than these. Plus, for $199, you can buy upgraded menu items like a bacon McDouble or a McChicken, and for $1,099, we’ll gouge you by letting you mix and match.” At press time, McDonald’s confirmed they had no choice but to double the Ripoff menu prices after only making 100 times the projected profits. 
School’s Active Shooter Drill Includes Part Where Security Guard Practices Fleeing In Terror #~# SAN DIEGO—In an effort to run the exercise as realistically as possible, officials confirmed Tuesday that the active shooter drill at Canyon Hills High School included a part for the security guard to practice fleeing in terror. “As soon as you hear my signal over the intercom, I want teachers to lock their classrooms, students to move away from the door, and our security guard to drop his gun and hightail it,” said 43-year-old assistant principal Jody Billheimer, who reminded staff and students to remain in place until the last of the panicked security guard’s screams could be heard as he bolted out the front doors, across the parking lot, and as far away from the emergency scene as possible. “It’s very important that we get this down so that we’re prepared in the event the worst ever happens. If the alarm goes off while you are still in the hallway, please note that Mr. Franklin, our security guard here, will stampede over you on his way out, or possibly use you as a human shield as he bolts, as is clearly stated in the training manual. He’s a former police officer, so don’t worry, you can trust him to do it right.” At press time, the security guard had taken off too prematurely after getting spooked by the sound of a closing door. 
Microplastics Found In Human Blood For First Time #~# Scientists have detected microplastic pollution in human blood for the first time in a study that found the tiny particles in almost 80% of the people tested, showing that the particles can travel around the body and may lodge in organs. What do you think?
Putin: J.K. Rowling And Russia Victims Of Western ‘Cancel Culture’ #~# Russian president Vladimir Putin delivered a TV address in which he claimed the west is “trying to cancel” his country, comparing the cultural boycott against Russia to J.K. Rowling being “canceled” for her opinions on transgender people. What do you think?
Lies Russian State Media Is Telling About The War #~# All Russian soldiers who were killed on enemy land are considered traitors.
Man Pretty Sure Other Person In Laundry Room Has Been Next-Door Neighbor For 12 Years #~# CHICAGO—Noting that the guy looked oddly familiar, local resident Chris Reynolds told reporters that he was pretty sure the other person he saw in his building’s laundry room Monday had been his next-door neighbor for 12 years. “Huh, yeah, I know that guy—I think we’ve lived down the hall from each other for the better part of our adult lives,” said Reynolds, adding that while he couldn’t put his finger on it, he was fairly certain he’d seen the man in passing over the last decade. “I know I’m not the best with faces, but I’m almost positive I’ve seen him entering the building, exiting the building, or getting his mail since around 2010. What was his name again? He introduced himself, like, 10 or 11 years ago. Dang.” At press time, reports confirmed Reynold’s neighbor had walked past him, looked him in the eye, and confusedly asked, “Do I know you?”
Uber Will List All NYC Taxis In App #~# Uber has announced it will partner with NYC taxis to list the city’s 13,000 yellow cabs on its app in a deal between the two competing services that comes after the ride-sharing company was hit with driver shortages due to the pandemic. What do you think?
Wealthy Couple Founds Art Museum To Foster Public Appreciation For How Wealthy They Are #~# LOS ANGELES—In a generous gift intended to enrich the lives of residents and tourists alike, wealthy couple Louise and Richard Morris launched plans Monday to establish an art museum that would foster public appreciation for exactly how wealthy they are. “When Richard and I thought about how to best put our resources to use, we immediately imagined an open and welcoming art space where the public can cultivate a greater understanding of how incredibly large our net worth is,” said the billionaire couple in a statement about the modern art museum to be known as The Morris, going on to describe the $140 million, 10,000-square-foot atrium where attendees could gather to discuss what it would be like to have the sort of money you could just throw at your passing whims. “Our affluence shouldn’t be locked away in private estates. It should be put on display in an open manner that lets visitors recognize the tremendous value that lies in our bank accounts. Seeing our wealth on display in such a magnificent way—in a place where it can be seen and never touched—can’t help but inspire everyone who visits.” At press time, the couple announced that museum tickets would cost $65.
Kamala Harris Freezes After Seeing Vice President Position Posted On White House Careers Page #~# WASHINGTON—Wondering if she had missed an email or a meeting that would help explain what was going on, Vice President Kamala Harris froze while at her computer Monday after seeing a listing for the position of Vice President posted on the White House careers page. “There can’t be two vice presidents,” said Harris, growing increasingly concerned as she scrolled through the page and discovered that the job had been listed just a few days ago and that the start date was “immediately.” “This has to be a mistake; there are job responsibilities listed in here that I don’t even have. What? The starting salary is way higher than my current pay!” At press time, Harris decided, “what the hell,” and filled out an application for the job.
SAT Rebuts Claim That Test Classist Due To Wine Tasting Portion #~# NEW YORK—Responding to long-standing criticisms of the standardized test, the College Board released a statement Monday rebutting the claim that the SAT was classist due to its wine-tasting portion. “While we appreciate concerns about this portion of the exam, we’ve repeatedly seen that the ability to sip a grenache and detect notes of black cherries or star anise strongly correlates to success in university settings and beyond,” College Board president Jeremy Singer said in the statement, forcefully pushing back on the suggestion that affluent students benefited from growing up in families who could afford to hire professional sommeliers to tutor them on the specific terroir of France’s Rhône Valley or Loire region. “There’s nothing about tannins or acidity that can’t be learned in a book, as opposed to a family trip to Napa. Put simply, anyone looking to enter higher education should be prepared to show basic reading and mathematical skills, as well as identify the difference between a 1990 and 1993 Vernaccia di San Gimignano.” Singer concluded that many of the section’s questions—such as the difference between crémant and champagne—really just came down to common sense.
Goldman Sachs CEO To DJ At Lollapalooza #~# Lollapalooza has announced this year’s music festival lineup, which includes a performance by 60-year-old Goldman Sachs CEO David Solomon, who is a dance music DJ outside his day job. What do you think?
Ginni Thomas Dismisses Text Messages To Mark Meadows As Regular, Run-Of-The-Mill Infidelity #~# WASHINGTON—Following the publication of text messages that suggested she had urged the White House chief of staff to overturn a presidential election, conservative activist Ginni Thomas told reporters Friday her controversial exchanges with Mark Meadows were nothing more than regular, run-of-the mill infidelity. “I know how it sounds, but when I texted Mark, ‘Help this Great President stand strong,’ I was referring to his penis,” said the wife of Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, explaining that she and Meadows had long engaged in extramarital, erotic roleplay that toyed with power in a way she understood might come across to the uninitiated as treason. “What may have sounded like talk of overturning an election was really me saying I wanted him to turn me over. And pound me. Hard. Look, these were very intimate, very private texts that were never intended for consumption by a public that can’t possibly understand how fucking hot I get when a man tells me ‘the King of Kings’ always triumphs in ‘a fight of good versus evil.’ That got me wet as a mop!” Thomas went on to explain that the only reason she attended President Trump’s rally on Jan. 6 was to find a group of patriots who would run a train on her.
Smithsonian Devotes New Exhibit To First African American To Use Whites-Only Glory Hole #~# WASHINGTON—In a tribute to a brave Civil Rights pioneer who helped the nation cross a momentous threshold, the Smithsonian Institution dedicated a new exhibit Friday to the first African American to use a whites-only glory hole. “I remember being scared, of course, with all those angry white people jeering at me as the federal troops escorted me into that  bathroom stall, but I knew it was my responsibility to help make a change,” said 88-year-old Lawrence Sawchuck, recalling his work with both the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee and the NAACP to desegregate glory holes after the passage of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, which outlawed racial discrimination in public facilities. “Everyone knew at the time that the white glory holes received more resources and were serviced more often, and we were tired of only using holes that were marked ‘colored.’ I remember we spent a lot of time practicing for the moment in church basements. The first few times we tried, the fire department showed up and shot the fire hose through the hole at us.” Asked what surprised him most about his experience using the whites-only facility, Sawchuck remarked that he had been impressed with the generous supply of tape  provided to cushion the glory hole’s jagged edges.
HBO Executives Hoping George R.R. Martin Finishes Final ‘Euphoria’ Book Before Next Season #~# NEW YORK—Expressing concern for the future of one of their most popular series, HBO executives revealed their hopes Friday that George R.R. Martin would finish writing the final Euphoria novel before it was time to start production on the show’s next season. “As a celebrated and beguiling storyteller, George is really the only one who can properly conclude this nuanced and complex narrative of Gen Z high school students struggling with issues of identity, addiction, and sex,” said executive producer Kevin Turen, explaining that the 73-year-old novelist had provided showrunners with some vague outlines as to how the series should proceed, but the storyline wouldn’t be solidified in its entirety until the last Euphoria book, Cascade Of The Realms, had been completed. “We try to stay true to the author’s vision, although die-hard Euphoria fans will of course note the differences between Martin’s sprawling novels and the show. We’ve actually gone slightly ahead of the books as of now, but we’re working closely with George to ensure we capture the authentic teenage voices of Rue, Lexi, Jules, and the rest.” Turen went on to confirm rumors that season three  would finally feature the beloved dragon characters from Martin’s Euphoria books.  
Celebrities Explain How They Are Helping Ukraine #~# With Russia waging an unceasing and violent war in Ukraine, Hollywood stars are stepping up and using their money, fame, and influence to help. We asked several celebrities how they are aiding Ukrainians, and this is what they said.
Biden Cuts NATO Summit Short To Squeeze In Chocolate Tour Of Brussels #~# BRUSSELS—Speaking at an uncharacteristically rapid pace to move the meeting along more quickly, President Joe Biden reportedly cut a NATO summit short Friday in order to squeeze in a chocolate tour of Brussels. “Does anyone mind if we wrap this up early? I’ve got nonrefundable tickets to the afternoon chocolate tour, and it’s not as if this crisis won’t be here tomorrow,” said Biden, who slammed his document folders shut and shoved them toward an aide before rubbing his hands together, audibly humming “Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate town,” patting his stomach, and bidding the foreign dignitaries adieu. “Please, don’t be mad. I’ve been wanting to do this forever, and I’m so rarely in the area—in fact, it’s half the reason I agreed to attend this in person. Don’t get me wrong, I care about the urgent issues at hand, but right now I am needed at a variety of sampling stations around the city to experience the sweet, creamy sensations of Belgian chocolate. I have an idea—why don’t you all come with? It’s only like 35 bucks a pop. But promise—no shop talk when there’s chocolate present.” At press time, sources confirmed NATO members had agreed to call it a day after unilaterally signing off on an agreement to send Ukraine a box of truffles. 
Planned Parenthood Unveils New Heat-Seeking Abortion Drone #~# NEW YORK—Touting its state-of-the-art technology capable of detecting a fetus just three weeks after conception, Planned Parenthood announced Friday that it had developed and built its first fully functional heat-seeking abortion drone. “This drone, which features an intrauterine infrared camera and 3,000 pounds of anti-embryonic missiles, can seek and destroy a clump of cells the size of a pinhead,” said CEO Alexis McGill Johnson, adding that the unmanned aerial vehicle, which reportedly has a range of 1,200 miles and can be piloted from any Planned Parenthood clinic, is capable of recording detailed ultrasounds and eliminating a target during any phase of gestation. “Thanks to the more than $50 million in government funding we received for this project, we finally have an abortion drone that will keep our doctors safe while performing abortions from 50,000 feet in the air. We’ve already deployed it in remote, previously inaccessible parts of the United States, and have eliminated countless embryos with minimal civilian casualties.” At press time, Planned Parenthood acknowledged reports that pro-life protestors had shot the abortion drone straight out of the sky right as it was about to strike a wedding.
Kid Rock Claims Trump Sought His Advice On North Korea, Islamic State #~# Music performer Kid Rock has claimed in a recent interview that former President Donald Trump asked him for advice about U.S. policy on North Korea and the Islamic State while visiting the White House in 2017. What do you think?
Lindsey Graham Bursts Into Confirmation Hearing With Rifle, Demands Senators Free The Children Now #~# WASHINGTON—Sending frightened lawmakers and staffers scattering for the exit, Lindsey Graham (R-SC) reportedly burst into Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Supreme Court confirmation hearing Thursday brandishing a rifle and demanding that the senators free the children now.  “Where are they? I know you’re hiding them,” said Graham, who moved from dais to dais pointing the barrel of his gun under the platform and shouting, “Aha!” before shooting open a locked door only to discover a small, empty office. “Are they in the Senate basement? I know there are secret tunnels, I read about it online! I won’t let you get away with this. I have evidence Hillary Clinton has been here. Can you hear me, kids? I’m coming for you.” At press time, Josh Hawley (R-MO) created a Twitter thread calling the incident a false-flag operation.
‘The Bachelor’ Turns 20 #~# The first episode of reality TV show The Bachelor aired Mar. 25, 2002, kicking off a juggernaut dating-show franchise that has so far featured 26 seasons and multiple spinoffs, including The Bachelorette. The Onion looks back at the most memorable moments from The Bachelor’s first 20 years.
BREAKING: Former Secretary Of State Condoleezza Rice, 67, Will Die #~# STANFORD, CA—Offering sympathy and verifying widespread reports about the former secretary of state’s health, sources confirmed Thursday that Condoleezza Rice, 67, will die one day. “It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I share with you the news that Secretary Rice, who dutifully served her country throughout a distinguished career in public service, is eventually going to pass away,” said a source close to Rice’s family, who requested that details concerning the death of the first African American woman to lead the State Department not be released to the public, as they were not yet known. “The renowned diplomat and former national security advisor will be dearly missed by those who knew and loved her best. But thanks to the indelible mark she made on our nation’s foreign policy, her formidable legacy will remain long after she leaves this world, whenever that may be.” At press time, sources asked Americans to bow their heads and observe a moment of silence until Rice had finally died.
Workers Repairing Notre Dame Discover Ancient Tombs #~# Archaeologists working on Paris’ Notre Dame cathedral following its devastating fire in 2019 discovered several tombs under the floor of the famous church that likely date back to the 14th century. What do you think?
The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Find The Perfect Spring-Cleaning Products #~# Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations because we couldn’t figure out how.
U.S. Announces It Will Allow Ukrainian Refugees After Deporting 100,000 Central Americans Seeking Asylum #~# WASHINGTON—In the face of international criticism over not accepting enough people fleeing the war-torn nation, U.S. officials announced Thursday that they would admit Ukrainian refugees  after deporting 100,000 Central American asylum-seekers. “We must do our part to support those fleeing Russia’s horrific attacks, and once we open up the spots by expelling migrants from our southern border, we will accept up to 100,000 refugees from Ukraine,” said President Joe Biden, adding that the program would focus on admitting Ukrainian refugees who could take the jobs previously held by migrants sent back to their home countries. “Even now, agents from the Department of Homeland Security have begun to raid homes, workplaces, and houses of worship for undocumented immigrants, who will be immediately flown back to Honduras or wherever they come from. We will welcome Ukrainians escaping the violence with the warm bed just vacated by some Hispanic guy we captured and sent back to Mexico. It is important in this tragic moment that we support European—and only European—refugees and asylum-seekers.” Biden added that the United States reserved the right to deport the Ukrainian refugees if asylum-seekers from a more Western country came along.
‘Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists’ Demands $10 Trillion Or It Will Destroy Earth By Setting Clock To Midnight #~# CHICAGO—Daring world leaders to test its resolve in an address recorded late Wednesday night, the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists announced that if it did not receive $10 trillion in unmarked bills this week it would destroy the Earth by setting its clock to midnight. “Citizens of Earth, we have long served as stewards of your puny globe, safeguarding it from destruction with our Doomsday Clock, and today we demand you recognize our sacrifice with a simple monetary donation—say, $10 trillion?” said the publication’s president, Rachel Bronson, in a message delivered simultaneously to all 193 member states of the U.N., threatening to set the clock forward by one second for every hour that its demands were not met. “Since time immemorial, we overseers at the Bulletin have been responsible for averting countless catastrophes with this all-powerful timekeeping instrument, and now we ask: Will you be the generation that allows humanity to be extinguished for a measly few trillion dollars? You have heard our demands. My finger is already on the minute hand. Now what shall you do?” At press time,  Bronson had stressed to world leaders that the Doomsday Clock was at 100 seconds to midnight before adding, “Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock.”
Dick Cheney Figures Enough Time Has Passed To Go Into Favorite Iraqi Restaurant Again #~# WASHINGTON—Assuming it was all water under the bridge at this point, former Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters Thursday that he figured enough time had passed for him to be able to dine again at his favorite Iraqi restaurant in the D.C. area. “I haven’t been to Sinbad’s in 20 years, but surely by now it wouldn’t be too weird I stopped in for some masgouf,” said Cheney, referring to the popular Iraqi dish of grilled and seasoned river fish, which he had not had the opportunity to enjoy since his 2008 visit to the heavily fortified Green Zone in Baghdad. “I mean, they must know the whole occupation didn’t have anything to do with them, right? I’m probably being overly self-conscious. I’m sure [restaurant owner] Mustafa [al-Ibrahim] would love to catch up over a hot, nourishing bowl of pacha.” At press time, Cheney had reportedly arrived at the Dupont Circle restaurant and discovered it was a pile of rubble.
Match Launches Dating App For Single Parents #~# Match rolled out a new service called Stir that aims to remove barriers to dating and meet the specific needs of single parents that aren’t typically addressed on mainstream dating apps. What do you think?
Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas #~# Due to its low taxes, affordable home prices, and strong job market, Texas has become a very appealing place to live for many West Coasters. The Onion asked several people why they moved from California to Texas, and this is what they said.
Please Like Me #~# It can be strange, sometimes, to be me. I’m the wealthiest man on the planet, for starters. Leaders across America, and indeed the world, look to me as a visionary driving technological progress in areas from transportation, to communication, to becoming a multi-planetary species. The kinds of projects I’m involved in would blow most people’s minds. To the outside observer, I’m sure it seems like I have it all. And maybe I do. Although I’d like to make one simple request:
U.S. Declares Myanmar Committed Genocide Against Rohingya #~# The Biden administration has formally declared that Myanmar’s military committed genocide and crimes against humanity against the Rohingya, a determination that human rights groups have been advocating for years. What do you think?
Disney Opens New Immersive ‘Star Wars’-Themed Gay Conversion Camp #~# BAY LAKE, FL—Boasting of an exciting new experience for die-hard fans who want to “join the rebellion” against their homosexual desires, Disney announced Wednesday the grand opening of an immersive Star Wars–themed gay conversion camp. “At our new Jedi Cure Center, gays and lesbians of all ages can visit a galaxy far, far away, where they will be taught by their favorite Star Wars characters that their sexual orientation is a path to the dark side of the force,” Disney CEO Bob Chapek said of the new $3,000-per-day camp at which clients will be greeted by an animatronic Yoda that tells them being “queer leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.” “Guests will visit the Jedi Temple, where members of the High Council will condemn their deviant behavior and order them to face trials to achieve the rank of heterosexual. Later, in the Emperor’s throne room, they will view photos of attractive members of the same sex before Palpatine administers 450-volt electric shocks to punish them for their arousal. For extreme cases, we even have Boba Fett and Jabba the Hutt standing by to stop our guests from being gay by freezing them in carbonite.” Chapek added that at the end of their stay, fans would be allowed to choose a blue or pink lightsaber in accordance with the gender assigned to them at birth.
Biggest Oscar Snubs 2022 #~# The 94th Academy Awards will take place this Sunday, March 27, but not all movie fans are happy with the films, actors, and personnel up for awards this year. The Onion looks at the biggest snubs for the Oscars 2022.
What To Say If Your Kid Catches You Doing Drugs #~# Drugs might be a normal and acceptable part of your adult life, but once you’ve taught your kids that drugs are bad, what do you do? If your kid ever catches you getting high, here is what you should say.
Whimsical NASA Launches Single Balloon Into Outer Space #~# HOUSTON—Watching from mission control, where they whistled carefree tunes and capered about the room in an improvised, frolicsome dance, whimsical flight directors at NASA confirmed Wednesday they had launched a single balloon into outer space. “T-minus 30 seconds to liftoff of our solitary red balloon, which will float gently through this brave overhanging firmament—this majestic roof alight with starry wonder!” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson, who added that the balloon, christened Imagination 1, would be propelled by stardust in its mission to make contact with a little boy who lived on a far-distant moon, perhaps in another solar system. “We have our finest astronaut, Captain Wollingford J. Walmsley, standing by on the launchpad, where he has drawn a smiley face upon the balloon and now waits to release its string. All the hopes and wishes have been loaded on board, and we are ready to send our tiny dirigible on its serendipitous sojourn in three…two…one… Yippee!” At press time, NASA officials announced that every fanciful dream aboard the vessel had perished after the balloon caught upon the point of a star and popped.
Troubling Study Links Childhood Obesity With Increased Risk Of Adult Anime Consumption #~# NEW YORK—A comprehensive five-year study conducted by scientists at Columbia University’s Irving Medical Center found a troubling link between childhood obesity and an increased risk of adult anime consumption, officials confirmed Wednesday. “Our study found that overweight and obese children are far more likely to continue watching shows like Fullmetal Alchemist, Haikyu!!, and One-Punch Man well into adulthood,” said Dr. Annabelle Worth, whose research  indicated that heavyset children were also prone to experience related consequences for years to come, such as collecting Mobile Suit Gundam model kits, wearing Death Note T-shirts in public, or even decorating their office desk with Aggretsuko plushies. “Unfortunately, attempts to make a dent in this alarming epidemic through healthy eating and exercise have largely failed to contain the number of Americans in their 20s and 30s who can sing the entirety of the OP song to Evangelion in Japanese. This creates a vicious cycle in which many of these adults pass their anime and manga consumption habit onto their children. Simply put, the country is on a very frightening trajectory.” Worth added that if policymakers don’t act now, there was little hope of keeping the coming generation from becoming well-functioning adults who only watch some of the more acclaimed Studio Ghibli films.
New Apple Privacy Feature Allows iPhone Users To Silence All Calls From People Who Love Them #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Noting the feature would come preinstalled on all phones, Apple unveiled a new privacy setting Wednesday that would allow iPhone users to silence all calls from people who love them. “With this update, your phone won’t ring or even notify you that people who deeply care about your mental and emotional well-being are attempting to get in touch with you,” said CEO Tim Cook, who confirmed that users would have the ability to increase the filter strength if they would prefer not to hear from coworkers or acquaintances, either. “We heard your complaints about enduring seemingly incessant calls from people wondering if you’re okay, and we listened. All incoming calls, FaceTime requests, and texts from moms, dads, and worried older siblings will now be sent directly to voicemail and instantly deleted. Rest assured, you’ll never endure another ‘I love you’ or ‘How have you been doing?’ again.” At press time, iOS developers were reportedly working to patch a bug that was failing to filter out calls from friends who feel like family.
David Beckham Hands Over Instagram Account To Ukrainian Doctor #~# Soccer star David Beckham has handed over control of his Instagram account to a doctor in Ukraine as part of a bid to highlight the “amazing work” of medical professionals caring for patients amid Russia’s invasion. What do you think?
Clarence Thomas Hospitalized With Flu-Like Symptoms #~# Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was admitted to the Sibley Memorial Hospital in Washington where he is being treated for an infection. Court officials said he plans to still take part in cases despite missing oral arguments. What do you think?
Senate Republicans Attack Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Lack Of Experience On U.S. Supreme Court #~# WASHINGTON—Arguing that the glaring gap in her record raised serious questions about her fitness for the role, Senate Republicans spent Tuesday’s nomination hearings attacking Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson for her lack of experience on the U.S. Supreme Court. “Judge Jackson, I’m struggling to understand how you expect to serve on the the highest court in the land without having spent a single day as a Supreme Court justice,” said Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT), stressing that by contrast, every current member of the  court had spent at least a year, and in some cases decades, sitting on the Supreme Court. “Am I correct in noting that you are not now, nor have you ever been, an associate justice or chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court? What exactly are your qualifications here?” Lee concluded by noting that he believed Justice Brett Kavanaugh had served a distinguished tenure as a Supreme Court justice before becoming a Supreme Court justice.
Josh Hawley Slams Ketanji Brown Jackson For Letting Pedophiles Like Himself Walk Free #~# WASHINGTON—Calling attention to the U.S. Supreme Court nominee’s  “extremely troubling” record, Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) slammed Ketanji Brown Jackson Tuesday for letting pedophiles like himself walk free. “There should be no room for leniency when it comes to sentencing depraved child sex offenders like me,” said Hawley, who grilled the judge for failing to lock him securely behind bars in a super-maximum security prison where “dangerous freaks” like him belonged. “This country isn’t safe with people like me roaming around out there. Frankly, it’s sickening that I’m even allowed in this room, let alone public office. I’m literally looking at child porn on my phone right now, and what’s she doing? Just sitting there.” At press time, Hawley added it showed a disturbing lack of judgment that Jackson would even listen to him speak.
Speech That Will Get You Arrested In Russia #~# While Americans enjoy freedom of speech, citizens in heavily censored autocratic regimes experience the complete opposite. If Russian citizens say any of the following things, they will be arrested and punished immediately.
Man Wishes He Knew Enough About Cars To Tell If Repair Really Costs One Blow Job #~# OGDEN, UT—Admitting that it wasn’t his area of expertise, a customer at local service center Barry’s Tire and Automotive told reporters Tuesday that he wished he knew enough about cars to tell if a repair on his Hyundai Elantra should really cost one whole blow job. “I should have done some research beforehand so I’d at least know if this kind of work was worth giving head for,” said area man Jared Adler, who added that sucking off a mechanic seemed like a lot to spend, but he didn’t actually know how much new brake pads and rotors were going for these days. “I don’t want to get cheated like last time, when I needed my tires rotated and way overpaid with a whole rim job. Maybe I can find someone who’ll do it for just a long make-out session.” At press time, sources confirmed Adler had called his father, who suggested he try talking the mechanic down to a simple tug job.
TurboTax Threatens To Tell IRS Customer Cheated On Taxes Unless They Upgrade To Deluxe Version #~# PAHRUMP, NV—A local woman doing her taxes Thursday reportedly didn’t know what to do after an onscreen message from TurboTax threatened to tell the IRS that she cheated on her taxes unless she upgraded to the deluxe version of the tax preparation software. “We’ve got all your information now, and we can easily change a few numbers here or there, maybe add a couple red flags—but of course all that can go away for an additional $99.99,” read the message, adding that if the woman chose not to upgrade, she risked IRS agents coming to her house and starting a years-long investigation that could land her in prison for tax fraud. “With TurboTax Deluxe, you can rest easy knowing that we’ve gone through over 350 potential deductions and credits to maximize your refund, and we won’t tell the IRS that your claimed dependents are actually dead and you’ve been scamming the government. It’s not too late to save yourself from years and years of headaches and massive fines. It’s simple: Just click the button to upgrade, and we won’t use your Social Security number to open a bunch of accounts in the Maldives and then inform the IRS you’ve been shielding most of your income from taxation. The choice is yours. You have five minutes.” At press time, the TurboTax customer had upgraded to TurboTax Deluxe and was reading another message suggesting that she upgrade to TurboTax Premier if she didn’t want to see all of her financial accounts emptied and to ultimately lose her home.
Tokyo Schools Drop Dress Code Rules Regulating Hair And Underwear Color #~# Tokyo school officials announced they will drop controversial dress code policies for high school students, including those regulating hairstyles and underwear color and patterns. What do you think?
Chicago Police Department Lowers Hiring Standards Amid Staffing Shortages #~# The Chicago Police Department is lowering hiring standards for new recruits by dropping the college credit requirement for some candidates, as the agency continues to face staffing shortages related to Covid as well as a local and national reckoning with policing. What do you think?
Exterminator Shows Off Trophy Room Filled With Mounted Heads Of Insects #~# ORLANDO, FL—With a grandiose gesture toward the dozens of 1-inch-square wooden plaques lining the walls, local exterminator Keith Dunford invited reporters into his trophy room Friday to show off the mounted heads of insects he had hunted down. “This here is an Eastern subterranean termite whose colony I single-handedly wiped out, and over there we have the Tortugas carpenter ant, famed scourge of the Greater Orlando area,” said a visibly beaming Dunford, who then held up an old photo of himself wearing a full-face respirator mask and kneeling next to the lifeless carapace of a 3-inch cockroach he had once tracked for miles and killed with a single shot of boric acid. “I’ve poisoned more than 50 species of arthropods across every county in Central Florida, but I’ve never seen a specimen as beautiful as the one I took down that day. Just look at those antennae! That right there is a two-point roach.” Dunford added that while he’d like to hang up his pump sprayer and retire, he could not rest until he had wrought vengeance upon the brown recluse spider that bit and killed his brother during a routine extermination at a condominium complex 30 years ago.
Executive On Deathbed Requests Obituary Be Optimized For SEO #~# NEW YORK—Motioning for his family to come closer so they could hear his final wishes, corporate executive Roland Drexler reportedly requested on his deathbed Monday that his obituary be optimized for SEO. “After I’m gone, I’ll need you to make sure the notice of my death ranks high in organic search results on Google and Bing,” said Drexler, who emphasized the need to optimize his obituary for viewability by using keywords like “visionary” and “leader,” and perhaps a few terms that would piggyback off current events, such as the war in Ukraine, high gas prices, and NCAA basketball. “Make sure this short account of my life and accomplishments generates the kind of qualified traffic that I want to be remember for. Should be at least 1,600 words, and maybe even make it a slideshow to cash in on that click-through rate.” At press time, sources confirmed Drexler had passed away, and his obituary, “You’ll Never Believe What This CEO Looks Like Now,” was trending on social media. 
Kamala Harris Enrolls In 6-Week Coding Boot Camp #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to give herself a competitive edge in the job market, Vice President Kamala Harris confirmed Monday that she had enrolled in a six-week coding boot camp. “It’s kind of expensive, but I’m sure it will all pay off once I get a new gig,” said Harris, who expressed her hope that learning the basics of JavaScript, SQL, and Python could help her get an entry-level position at a tech company, or better yet, a transfer to the White House IT department, where she had already made some connections. “I don’t want to get left behind, and coding’s pretty much the future, from what I’ve heard. Plus, I heard it pays a ton. I can’t even imagine making six figures. Man, it’d be so cool to finally get my own apartment.” At press time, Harris was reportedly sharing the brochure with Joe Biden after the president had expressed interest.
Therapist Gives Slight Wince Of Recognition After Hearing Which Friend Recommended Her To New Patient #~# CHICAGO—Frowning as she prepared herself to “buckle up for this one,” local psychotherapist Heather Gottlieb reportedly gave a slight wince of recognition Monday after hearing which friend had recommended her to David Keflani, the new patient currently in her office. “Oh, right, yes, Josh,” said Gottlieb, fidgeting in her chair as she tried to figure out which one of the malignant narcissists in her client Josh Tapplemore’s friend group was now seated across from her. “He said I could help you? That’s very interesting. Are you one of his [enabler] friends or [abusive] family members?” Moments later, Gottlieb had physically recoiled and stifled a gasp when she realized exactly which friend Keflani was, with sources confirming she abruptly ended the session and said she wasn’t taking any new clients.
Building Code Violation Fines Leave Landlord With No Choice But To Raise Rent #~# NEW YORK—Asking tenants to please stop reporting infractions lest they exacerbate the hike, local landlord Matthew Prero confirmed Monday that the building code violation fines he was facing left him with no choice but to raise rents. “Look, I don’t like doing this, either, but my hands are tied here,” said Prero, who explained that although he hated to be “the bad guy,” the mounting cost of state-issued fines was going to result in a $150 monthly rent increase for every tenant in the building. “A small annual rent increase is to be expected, what with fines from the occasional missing smoke detectors and whatnot, but this is just getting out of control. It’s annoying, too, because a lot of these issues just recently cropped up in the past 20 years or so. I already painted the collapsed porch steps—what else do they expect me to do?” At press time, Prero warned that tenants should probably start preparing themselves not to receive their security deposits back, especially if the state ended up taking him to court. 
The Onion’s Guide To The Oscars: Best Picture #~# A group of extremely pale individuals struggle to address their vitamin D deficiency through violence rather than more sun exposure.
Guinness World Records Rules Giant New Zealand Potato Not Actually Potato #~# Guinness World Records ruled that a large growth found in a New Zealand couple’s garden is not in fact a giant potato, but rather the tuber of a type of gourd. What do you think?
WNBA Star’s Detention In Russia Extended Until May #~# A Moscow court is extending WNBA star Brittney Griner’s arrest until May 19. The detention, which is reportedly due to cannabis oil found in the basketball player’s luggage, comes amid increased tension between the U.S. and Russia over the Kremlin’s invasion of Ukraine. What do you think?
In Defense Of Mass Censorship #~# When The Onion’s  editorial board convened to discuss the tumultuous events of the  previous month, one conclusion became evident: The world stands at a  crossroads. Two visions of our collective future stand before us: On one  side is a free and enlightened society, dedicated to the principles of  openness, tolerance, and debate; the other is built upon ignorance,  fear, and the suppression of dissent. Today, the path forward could not  be clearer. 
Timeline Of Putin’s Rise To Power #~# Putin’s parents decide to try for an evil megalomaniac.
Pete Davidson To Join Next Blue Origin Space Flight #~# Saturday Night Live actor Pete Davidson will travel to the edge of space next week on Blue Origin’s New Shepard rocket, making it the company’s fourth spaceflight with human passengers. What do you think?
Benefits Of Making Daylight-Saving Time Permanent #~# The U.S. Senate approved a bill Tuesday that would make daylight-saving time permanent starting in 2023. The Onion looks at the benefits of this legislation.
Oscar Mayer Introduces New Filter-Tip Hot Dogs For Healthier Meat-Eating Experience #~# CHICAGO—Promising customers a better, safer wiener, Oscar Mayer introduced a new line of filter-tip hot dogs Friday to provide what it described as a healthier meat-eating experience. “Light and smooth, just the way you like it, your favorite hot dog brand now comes in filter-tip varieties—pick up a pack today and see for yourself what makes Oscar Mayer Filter Tips so great!” read a press release from the frankfurter and cold-cut producer, which went on to state there was “no credence” to recent studies that had found  hot dogs and other processed meats were a major contributor to heart disease and colorectal cancer. “Our research shows that filter-tip hot dogs greatly reduce the sodium, fat, and calories ingested with each bite. Plus, they have a great mild flavor. Next time you’re at the grocery store, choose the hot dog doctors eat!” At press time, Ball Park, Nathan’s, and Hebrew National were reportedly scrambling to release their own filter-tip meat products.
Report: Secretly Watching March Madness During Work Way Less Fun Working Remotely #~# HOUSTON—After an extensive study undertaken over the past two years, a new report published Friday by Rice University concluded that secretly watching the NCAA Division I Basketball Tournament at work was way less fun while working remotely. “The vast majority of respondents shared that most of the fun of watching March Madness was having the window up on their computer screen and quickly minimizing it right before their manager walked by their desk, or having a single AirPod in to listen to the game while pretending to pore over a spreadsheet,” said research co-author Michael Wilder, adding that most office workers agreed that paying attention to a basketball game at 2 p.m. between two colleges they had no affiliation with actually wasn’t all that interesting when viewed at home. “Covid has impacted how we squander time at work in many ways, and the lack of enjoyment of March Madness is no different. In most cases, talking in hushed tones to coworkers about a game they were all secretly watching in the office on the company dime was the single most significant reason for watching. Interest in the tourney has decreased considerably among remote employees, having become just another way to dick around at work while no one’s really paying attention to them. Our study concluded that for remote employees, the thrill of March Madness is basically gone.” The study found that in many cases, employees working remotely were actually secretly working while pretending to watch the tournament. 
Dog Could At Least Try To Act Like It Cared About Ukraine #~# CHICAGO—Noting that the dog had failed to even acknowledged the devastating international conflict, local man Justin Chang told reporters Friday that his American pit bull terrier could at least try to act like he cared about Ukraine. “Uh, I don’t know if Petunia has heard, but Russia is waging an illegal war and killing innocent Ukrainian civilians, and it’s pretty insensitive to just ignore it,” said Chang, adding that his 6-year-old dog was somehow just able to eat, go on walks, and sleep in sunbeams while a bloodthirsty autocrat  violated international law and committed heinous war crimes every single day. “Hey, Petunia, I’m not saying you should go to Ukraine and fight or anything, but it would be nice if you could at least recognize that lives were lost. It’s actually beyond tone deaf of you to get zoomies and beg for a treat right now. This is basically like Black Lives Matter all over again.” At press time, Chang stormed out of the room after Petunia wagged her tail excitedly and barked when Vladimir Putin came on television.
U.S. Senate Approves Bill To Make Daylight Saving Time Permanent #~# The U.S. Senate has unanimously passed a measure that would make daylight saving time permanent starting in 2023, ending the twice-annual changing of clocks in a move promoted by supporters advocating brighter afternoons and more economic activity. What do you think?
Americans Celebrate 4th Consecutive Victory Over Covid #~# WASHINGTON—Gathering with family and friends to mark another effective return to normality, Americans were reportedly celebrating their fourth consecutive victory over Covid on Thursday. “Defeating the virus just once would have been enough for us, but four consecutive wins? What a treat!” said 53-year-old Indianapolis resident Adrien Miller,  just one of the reported millions of people across the country who were delighted and relieved to have once again turned a corner in the battle against Covid. “We’ve absolutely dominated Covid for the fourth time in two years. How lucky are we? It’s amazing what we can accomplish in such a short time when we all work together. My heart’s just racing with the thrill of knowing I’ll never have to wear another mask for the next three months, at least.” At press time, sources confirmed Americans were raising their glasses in a toast to the next four victories.
What To Say If You Want To Dump Your Therapist #~# Breaking up with your therapist can be incredibly difficult, and it’s sometimes hard to know exactly what to say. Here are some helpful ways to break the news, and tell them that it’s time for you to get help from someone new.
Putin Pleased As Plot To Ruin Russian Economy, Destroy International Standing Goes Exactly To Plan #~# MOSCOW—Surveying his accomplishments in the past month with evident satisfaction, Vladimir Putin reportedly grew pleased Thursday as his plot to ruin the Russian economy and destroy its international standing went exactly to plan. “It’s incredible that in a few short weeks, my goal to tank the ruble and humiliate the Russian military on the global stage has gone off without a hitch,” said the Russian president, adding that when he laid out his plan to his inner circle months ago, few had believed that he could make such swift progress on stalling his army outside of Kyiv against a military that was an embarrassing order of magnitude smaller than his own. “The cherry on top is that by isolating myself from every country in Europe and driving the world together in condemnation of me, I’ve essentially made us into a vassal state of China’s. So we’re basically fucked from an economic and geopolitical perspective, which is just what I hoped to get out of this war. Now if I can just a get a few more thousand of my own troops killed, I’ll have everything I could ever want.” At press time, Putin had reportedly begun devising plans to invade Estonia with the express intention of spreading his forces ever thinner across eastern Europe in an unwinnable quagmire.
The Onion Fact-Checks Claims About The Ukraine Conflict #~# Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has led to a deluge of claims made by politicians, the media, and social media users, many of which do not stand up to scrutiny. The Onion fact-checks claims made about the conflict in Ukraine.
George R.R. Martin Presses Ghostwriter On What’s Taking So Long #~# SANTA FE, NM—Insisting that he simply wanted a clear timeline for when the freelancer might finish work on the next installment in A Song Of Ice And Fire, George R.R. Martin reportedly sent an email to his ghostwriter Jeffrey Goldman Thursday to press him on what was taking so long with The Winds Of Winter. “Hey Jeff, just checking in on how the latest chapters are looking and whether you see a clear end date here,” said the acclaimed author in the latest of several follow-up emails to the contracted writer about his work penning the hotly anticipated fantasy novel. “Not trying to rush you here. Fans are excited! And they loved A Dance With Dragons. Just a reminder, though, that we’d agreed on a mid-2022 publication date. Let me know if there’s anything I can do on my end to expedite things.” At press time, Martin had sent another message to the ghostwriter  calling such delays “disappointing” and reminding him that the $2,500  fee agreed to in his contract could be lowered.
‘Easy, Good Boy,’ Says UberEats Driver Trying To Hand Delivery To Man Without Getting Bitten #~# CHICAGO—Rolling his window down cautiously for the curbside delivery, local UberEats driver Varban Jindrak was overheard Wednesday telling a customer, “Easy, good boy,” as he attempted to hand the man his food without getting bitten. “You’re a hungry fellow, aren’t you? Now, now—just calm down, and I’ll give you your food,” Jindrak said in a gently chiding tone as he held the order of chicken pad Thai away from the customer, who had reportedly been waiting for his food for more than 50 minutes and started trying to grab the package from the driver the moment he caught a whiff of peanut sauce. “No, don’t jump. Bad boy. Down. You need to step back from the car if you want your food. Wait, what’s this? A spring roll? You wanna spring roll? Okay, little guy, go get it! Go!” At press time, witnesses confirmed a woman had come outside, apologized for the customer’s behavior, and dragged him back indoors by the collar of his shirt.
National Air And Space Museum Acquires Rock Local Teen Threw Really, Really High One Time #~# WASHINGTON—Promoting the object as an iconic piece of aeronautics history, the Smithsonian’s National Air and Space Museum announced Thursday it had acquired a rock that local teenager Tyler Trenary threw really, really high one time. “The rock that Tyler threw must have gone, like, 25, maybe 30, feet in the air, which has gotta be some kind of record,” the museum’s acting director, Christopher Browne, said as he touted the new acquisition, which will reportedly be accompanied by an interactive exhibit in which museum visitors can throw their own rocks into the air and see how their efforts measure up to the historic flight. “What’s really remarkable is that Tyler threw the rock straight up—almost totally vertical—and had to jump out of the way when it came back down so the rock wouldn’t hit him on the head. It was decent-sized, too, so it definitely could have given him a concussion. Historians have noted this is probably the closest a rock from this area has ever gotten to reaching outer space. God, he really chucked that thing.” At press time, officials announced that the museum would also debut a huge rock that Tyler once lobbed into the backyard pool from the roof of his house.
Watchdog Warns Nearly Every Food Brand In U.S. Owned By Handful Of Companies, Which In Turn Are Controlled By Newman’s Own #~# WASHINGTON—Calling for a full-scale Federal Trade Commission investigation into the sauce and salad dressing brand, the American Antitrust Institute issued a report Thursday warning that nearly every food brand in the United States was owned by a handful of companies, which in turn were controlled by Newman’s Own. “Kellogg’s, General Mills, PepsiCo, Kraft Heinz—all of these companies are just Newman’s Own by another name,” said Diana L. Moss, president of the watchdog group, who estimated that the company founded by actor Paul Newman in 1982 possessed a near 80% market share on all grocery products. “When a customer walks into a grocery store, they may think they have hundreds of brands to choose from, but the truth is that this choice is only an illusion. Nearly every name brand you can think of—from Lay’s and Nabisco to Quaker and Ben & Jerry’s—is part of Newman’s Own ever-expanding empire.” At press time, Moss disclosed that Newman’s Own also controlled 80% of the world’s oil reserves. 
Asteroid Impacts Earth 2 Hours After Being Discovered #~# A 10-foot-wide asteroid recently struck the Earth north of Iceland within hours of its discovery by astronomers, generating a blast equal to3,000 tons of exploding TNT and making it only the fifth asteroid ever observed in space before striking the Earth. What do you think?
Elon Musk Challenges Vladimir Putin To ‘Single Combat’ For Ukraine #~# SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk has challenged Russian president Vladimir Putin to a “single combat” fight for the fate of Ukraine in a tweet directed at the Kremlin’s official account. What do you think?
Potential Outcomes For Russia’s Invasion Of Ukraine #~# Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in late February began a series of brutal hostilities that have left hundreds of civilians dead and led to increased tensions, sanctions, and weapons deployments from allies on both sides. The Onion looks at potential outcomes for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.
Airbnb Tests New Feature That Allows Black Guests #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In a move hailed as a bold and innovative step for the company, officials at Airbnb told reporters Wednesday they had begun testing a new feature that would permit Black guests to find lodging through the platform. “Since we started back in 2008, only white people have been able to secure bookings with our Airbnb hosts, but if our beta tests are successful, Black people should soon be able to do the same,” company spokesperson Carol Leroux said of the new function, which reportedly took years and millions of dollars to develop, as software engineers sought to accomplish what many believed was impossible. “Once the feature is up and running, Black people can stay any place Airbnb operates, with the exception of more exclusive locations such as the Bay Area, Manhattan, Boston, and Seattle, where there is a lot more money at stake. For legal reasons, Black guests will still need to check a box confirming they are Black, but when they do, they will have access to all our rooms, apartments, and houses, so long as they promise not to take anything. Each rental will also include a 5% surcharge for being Black.” Airbnb officials went on to confirm their platform still lacked the technology required to remove the thousands of hosts who install cameras in their toilets. 
Worst Things You Can Say To A Bartender On St. Patrick’s Day #~# Even if you don’t remember it’s St. Patrick’s Day, your server definitely will. When you’re out at a bar celebrating, try not to say the following things.
Body Language Expert Can Tell With 90% Accuracy If Person Sitting #~# NEW YORK—Explaining why she was in such high demand as an expert witness in courtrooms and as an analyst on news programs, body language specialist Linda Rothbaum told reporters Wednesday that she could discern with almost 90% accuracy whether a person was sitting. “While there’s always room for error, my training in the messages conveyed by body movements allows me to determine with exceptional precision if someone is in a standing position or a seated position,” said Rothbaum, who is renowned for her analysis of the nonverbal communication used by top celebrities and political figures, particularly with regard to what it can reveal about whether they are upright and placing the weight of their body upon their feet or in a more relaxed posture and resting upon a chair. “It might seem baffling to a layperson that I am able to decode human musculature to the extent that I can determine with a high degree of confidence when an individual is situated on a bench or sofa. I’ll just say the first thing to look for is whether a person’s thighs are vertical or horizontal. That will tell you a lot right there.” Rothbaum added that her 10% error rate was mostly the result of misinterpreting the body language of people who were squatting, lying on a bed, or flying headlong down a flight of stairs.
Refugee Probably Only Got Accepted To Country Because His Dad Was A Refugee #~# NEW YORK—In what appeared to be another flagrant case of American nepotism, sources reported Wednesday that a refugee probably only got accepted to this country because his dad was a refugee. “Fucking legacy migrant—I’m sure they waved him in as soon as they saw who his father was,” said local resident Shawn Castor, adding that he heard the Syrian refugee also came from one of the biggest and most prominent piles of rubble in his home country. “You’d think people would have some self-respect and not just want to ride on Daddy’s coattails into America. Oh, your mom and your sister all came to the same country too? You can tell they’re refugees from a big catastrophe by the way they look down on people who come from small podunk international crises.” Sources also confirmed that of course legacy migrants would be the only ones who actually got admitted to a country that touted its exceptionally low refugee acceptance rate.
Coleslaw Portion So Generous Man Feels Like He’s Getting Away With Robbery #~# SOUTH  PORTLAND, ME—Stressing that there must have been some sort of mix-up in the ordering process, local man Tim McGowan told  reporters Wednesday that the coleslaw portion he had received at Rose’s  Diner was so generous that it felt like he was getting away with  robbery. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m elated that they’d give out this much  coleslaw, but I still have my turkey club  to  contend with,” said the astonished customer, expressing concern about  the possibility that he might be charged extra for such a generous  portion of the cabbage- and mayonnaise-based side dish. “Most places  just give you a little cup of it at best. But this? I’d honestly pay a few bucks more to get a big bowl of coleslaw like this. Seriously, what’s going  on? They’re going to go bankrupt if they keep this up.” At press time, sources reported the visibly concerned man had stopped a waitress attempting to give him  a free refill of iced tea  to get a verbal confirmation that there hadn’t some sort of a mistake.
Squatters Occupy London Mansion Owned By Russian Oligarch #~# Squatters have occupied the London mansion of a Russian oligarch sanctioned by the British government, displaying a sign saying “this property has been liberated” and calling for the seven-bedroom mansion to be made available to Ukrainian refugees. What do you think?
Tom Brady Cancels Retirement After 2 Months #~# NFL quarterback Tom Brady said he will return to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers just two months after announcing his retirement, saying his “place is still on the field.” What do you think?
Supreme Court Justices Sheepishly Admit All Of Their Spouses Attended Jan. 6 Riot #~# WASHINGTON—Shrugging as they revealed that every one of their husbands and wives had participated, the justices of the U.S. Supreme Court sheepishly admitted Tuesday that not only Ginni Thomas, but all of their spouses had attended the Jan. 6 riot. “Well, yeah, if you really need to know, my wife Joanna was at the insurrection, and so were Jane, Martha-Ann, Louise, Ashley, and Jesse,” said Associate Justice Stephen Breyer, adding that most of the spouses had left the rally before participants stormed the Capitol and threatened to execute the vice president. “I know people are criticizing Clarence and Ginni for this, but it’s not the biggest deal in the world, is it? Our spouses don’t get to spend much time together, they thought a ‘Save America’ rally sounded like a fun outing, and they stuck around to hear why they should—or should not—violently overturn the election for Donald Trump.” Breyer went on to emphasize that it was only his own wife, Jane Roberts, and Louise Gorsuch who had even thought to bring pipe bombs to the event.
Oil Companies Lament Rising Price Of Joe Manchin #~# IRVING, TX—In the wake of global turmoil and worsening inflation, oil companies were lamenting the rising price of Joe Manchin, sources confirmed Tuesday. “With the economy what it is and a split Senate, it seems like the price just keeps going up and up nearly every day,” said ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods, who was just one of many industry executives left suffering from sticker shock after learning how much the West Virginia senator was now asking for. “It definitely hurts, but what other option do we have? I guess that’s what happens when too many people want access. Then again, maybe it’s on us for not diversifying our Senate power sources.” At press time, several reports indicated that a long line of oil executives waiting outside Manchin’s door had begun to wrap around the block. 
Kamala Harris Nudges Stack Of Papers Off Desk To Distract Aide Before Twisting Office Clock To 5 P.M. #~# WASHINGTON—Sighing as she watched the minutes of her afternoon tick by in what reportedly felt like an eternity, Vice President Kamala Harris nudged a stack of papers off a desk Tuesday in order to distract a top aide and change the office clock to read 5 p.m., according to White House sources. “Oh, clumsy me—do you mind getting that? And take your time,” Harris said to her chief of staff, Tina Flournoy, after stretching her arms out in an exaggerated yawn, knocking over a stack of files, and then snatching the clock off the wall so she could move it three and a half hours ahead. “Hey, look at that—quittin’ time already! Time sure does fly when you’re busy doing your constitutional duty. And I sure am busy. Well, see you tomorrow for another exciting day of my vice presidency.” At press time, after Flournoy had pointed to her phone and noted it was only 1:30, Harris reportedly tumbled to the ground and claimed to have sprained a knee, hoping she could at least spend the rest of the day in the White House Medical Unit watching television.   
Lies All Landlords Use To Try And Raise Your Rent #~# This doesn’t make any sense. They can essentially accomplish this same thing without ever touching your throat!
Professor Not Buying Student’s Bullshit About Having To Play In NCAA Tournament #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Telling the student that he needed to come up with a better excuse for not handing in assignments on time, a Providence College professor  was reportedly not buying A.J. Reeves’ bullshit Tuesday about having to play in the NCAA tournament. “Listen, I’m a reasonable person, but you can’t just waltz in here with completely ridiculous explanations like being on a basketball team that’s so good you have to play in college’s biggest tournament,” said business professor Liam Reilly, reminding the senior that he’d already used the excuse that he needed to play in the Big East conference tournament several times over the past week. “I extended a deadline once because you had to go play basketball in Indianapolis, and again the next week when you had to play in Pennsylvania. You can’t keep coming in here with this excuse that it’s a big game—what, they’re all big games? Look, when I was your age, I played basketball too. It was a one-day commitment. You’re in college now, and that means you’re responsible for what you say, so if you come in here next time with some wild excuse about having to go play in the Final Four, I will have to fail you in this course.” At press time, sources confirmed Reeves was weighing the merits of trying to get out of next week’s assignment by telling his professor that his basketball coach had died.
Report Finds Average U.S. High Schooler Writes Manifesto At 2nd-Grade Level #~# WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—In the latest evidence of declining education standards, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Purdue University found that the average U.S. high schooler writes a manifesto at a second-grade level. “The sophomores who call in bombs threats and the juniors who shoot up their schools typically write manifestos at the level of a much younger student,” said study co-author Marvin Figuerosa, adding that the hundreds of manifesto writers the researchers examined lacked proficiency in spelling, grammar, and syntax, and could not assemble a consistent or comprehensible argument. “From basic stuff like an inability to capitalize proper nouns—such as the names of classmates they want to shoot—to misspelling simple words like ‘kill,’ ‘them,’ and ‘all,’ we’re seeing a severe deficit of writing skills among these students. Their manifestos are riddled with run-on sentences about executing all the popular kids  and are hampered by descriptions of blood and gore in which the vocabulary is limited to that of a 7-year-old. In addition, most of these students wind up plagiarizing the writings of other mass murderers because they fail to use proper citations, something they should have learned to do years ago. It’s quite distressing to see them failing in these areas.” The researchers also concluded that in cases where the manifestos did display adequate writing skills, the students had most likely received help from their parents.
Goldendoodle Not Good With People Who Earn Less Than 6 Figures #~# SAN JOSE, CA—As he apologized for the loudly barking dog that he swore wasn’t like this with people in higher income brackets, local pet owner David Muskin told a man he encountered on a walk Tuesday that his goldendoodle wasn’t good with anyone who earns less than six figures. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry—he must smell that your net worth is below $250,000,” said Muskin, explaining that the breed of dog simply did not have a good track record with middle-income or working-class people. “Are you by any chance from a lower socioeconomic background? He may calm down if you show him a few account statements with decent balances. I swear it isn’t you, it’s your salary.” At press time, Muskin had reportedly scolded the goldendoodle for biting a pedestrian who was living from paycheck to paycheck.
Hidden Valley Unveils 2-Carat Lab-Grown Diamond Made From Ranch Seasoning #~# Salad dressing maker Hidden Valley had a lab-grown two-carat diamond made out of ranch seasoning to celebrate National Ranch Day, with the seasoning heated to 2,500 degrees celsius and crushed under 400 tons of pressure to create the stone, which will be auctioned off. What do you think?
Facebook To Permit Posts Calling For Violence Against Russia, Death Of Putin #~# According to leaked emails, Meta will temporarily change its hate speech policy to allow Facebook and Instagram users in some countries to call for violence against Russians and the death of Vladimir Putin in the context of the Ukraine invasion. What do you think?
Tax Loopholes The IRS Doesn’t Want You To Know About #~# This tax season, don’t get overcharged like a poor person and swindled out of your hard-earned money. Here are the biggest tax loopholes that the IRS doesn’t want you to know about.
Metallica Threatens To Pull Music From Spotify Unless Company Increases Executive Salaries #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Offering harsh criticism for a streaming platform that has often faced charges of unfair compensation, Metallica announced Monday that it would remove its music from Spotify unless the company immediately increased the salaries of all high-level executives. “Frankly, we can no longer stay silent and support the insultingly low amounts of money Spotify pays out to its top brass, some of whom still earn salaries as low as seven figures,” said drummer Lars Ulrich, pulling up a recent earnings statement for his band and questioning why more of Metallica’s hard-earned money wasn’t lining the pockets of Spotify’s CFO Paul Vogel, for instance, who according to Ulrich was making pennies on the dollar compared to what he was owed. “We’re taking a stand here and now: Until Spotify agrees to stop profiting off the backs of its direly undercompensated C-suite, it will not have access to the Metallica catalog, plain and simple. We cannot in good conscience sit back and do nothing when some of the people at the top of this company’s org chart have no guarantee they’ll ever be able to retire as billionaires. Without them, Spotify would just be a bunch of useless songs with no one to undervalue them.” Metallica went on to announce the band would be donating all royalties for the foreseeable future to fund the acquisition of private jets for Spotify’s leadership.
Inmate’s Last Words Hurt Warden’s Feelings #~# WHITE PINE COUNTY, NV—Saying their final interaction was frankly a low blow and felt unnecessarily harsh, warden Dwayne McFadden of Ely State Prison told reporters Monday that an inmate’s last words had hurt his feelings. “Look, I get it, he’s probably feeling a lot of anger and emotions as he’s about to die, but there’s no need to be so rude,” said McFadden, adding that the inmate had not been shy about uttering some really cutting and personal insults in front of the whole prison staff as they strapped him down on the table for his lethal injection. “I mean, come on, I know you’re upset, but there’s no need to question my character and embarrass me at my place of work. I have feelings too, you know. Maybe if he controlled his emotions better, he wouldn’t have been in this mess.” At press time, the warden told reporters he couldn’t help but feel like the prisoner was looking at him funny even after he died.
Scientists Report Blue Jays Mate For Life But That’s Like, What, 7 Years, So Who Gives A Shit #~# ITHACA, NY—Shedding new light on the mating behavior of the bird species native to eastern North America, scientists at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology reported Monday that blue jays mate for life, but that’s like, what, seven years, so who gives a shit? “While blue jays have one partner for their entire life span, we’ve determined that because they don’t even live a full decade, it hardly fucking matters,” said lead researcher Dr. Phil Detsch, adding that in the grand scheme of things, it’s not as if two blue jays in a committed relationship for a few years had time to make a lot of memories together. “Talk to me when you’re 30, 40 years in and just the idea of having sex with your partner pretty much makes you want to fly into a bay window at full speed. Blue jays barely have time to learn one another’s quirks or wonder if they’re wasted their entire life with that one bird.” Detsch went on to state that he was launching a new study into gibbons, monogamous primates that can live more than 40 years, to determine how much they cheat on their partners.
Deepak Chopra Explains That Divinity Can Be Found Even Within The Random Bullshit He Makes Up #~# NEW YORK—Expounding upon the immutable, transcendental beauty of the universe, bestselling author and New Age guru Deepak Chopra told reporters Monday that divinity can be found even within the random bullshit he’s always making up. “When you quiet yourself, open your heart, and really listen, you can find enlightenment anywhere, including in the trite garbage I just rattle off the top of my head in order to sell you books,” Chopra said before appropriating a series of scientific terms and misusing them to justify the quasi-intellectual rhetoric that has garnered him a personal net worth estimated at more than $150 million. “As unbelievable as it sounds, you can find health and fulfillment in something as insignificant as the asinine drivel that pours out of my mouth on a daily basis. If you simply take a moment to look inward and clear your mind, you will discover the divine permeates our entire cosmos: the earth, the stars, the darkness, the light, and also the absolute horseshit I’ve been serving up for decades to anyone who’s credulous enough to swallow it.” At press time, reports confirmed Chopra had secured another multimillion-dollar advance after spending an hour or two on a book proposal titled How To Live Forever And Never Feel Sadness Or Pain Of Any Kind.
U.S. Man Caught Smuggling 52 Lizards And Snakes At Mexico Border #~# Authorities have arrested an American man at the U.S.-Mexico border trying to sneak nine snakes and 43 horned lizards into the country, with the animals tied up in small bags concealed in the man’s jacket, pants pockets, and groin area. What do you think?
Study: Even Mild Covid Linked To Brain Shrinkage, Cognitive Decline #~# A new study out of England has found that even mild cases of Covid-19 are associated with subtle tissue damage, accelerated losses in brain regions tied to the sense of smell, and a slower ability to process information. What do you think?
Most Popular Local Dish In Every State #~# The Onion provides an in-depth guide to  local delicacies across the country, examining the unsavory, indigestible, and beloved dishes that would make anyone with functioning taste buds puke.
Rising Gas Prices Prevent Struggling Americans From Burning Crime Scene Evidence #~# CHICAGO—With markets roiled by war in Ukraine and a U.S. boycott of Russian oil imports, leading economists confirmed Friday that rising gas prices have prevented struggling Americans from obtaining the fuel they normally use as an accelerant when setting fire to crime scene evidence. “Prices have soared far past $4 per gallon, leaving ordinary citizens precious little gasoline with which to douse, light up, and burn down the home where they just murdered someone, or the basement where they operate a meth lab,” said Northwestern University economics professor Melissa Ngo, explaining that everyday American felons face an increased risk of incarceration now that authorities can more easily find the fingerprints, DNA samples, clothing fibers, and incriminating documents they rely upon to solve cases. “Many Americans can barely afford to burn a single body of someone they killed in cold blood, let alone everything at the scene that ties them to the crime. And if they are murdering and dismembering a family four, for example, the cost of incinerating all the corpses can be truly prohibitive. Worst of all, they can’t even bury the bodies, because they don’t have the gas to travel to a remote location where their victims’ remains can be safely hidden and never, ever found.” Ngo suggested the best option for Americans may be to split the cost of gas with friends or neighbors by pooling all their crime scene evidence and burning it together.
Drunkenly Wearing Lampshade On Head Less Fun When Alone #~# MIAMI—Saying the brief delight wore off as quickly as it had started, visibly drunk local man Max Soylu, 25, told reporters Friday that wearing a lampshade on one’s head is less fun when alone. “You know, this feels a lot different when there’s no one pointing at me and laughing,” said Soylu, observing that the energy he feels at a party when he gets wasted, strips off his clothes, and throws a pleated lampshade on his head for the entertainment of others was notably absent when he was sitting in his living room by himself. “I thought swinging from the chandelier for a bit while playing ‘Wooly Bully’ at top volume would help, but despite this thing looking hilarious on my head, the vibe was seriously lacking. If chugging a beer while doing a funny dance in front of the mirror doesn’t do the trick, I’m giving up.” At press time, Soylu told reporters that, surprisingly, waking up completely naked in a pool of his own vomit after getting plastered and destroying his apartment felt exactly the same when alone.
Giant Parachuting Spiders Expected To Blanket East Coast #~# According to researchers, a large, invasive species of spider native to Japan called Joros are expected to “colonize” the entire East Coast this spring, partly due to the arachnid’s ability to survive colder temperatures and travel up to 100 miles through the wind by forming parachutes out of their webs. What do you think?
Desperate Olympic Committee Attempts To Increase Viewership By Adding Skinny-Dipping To 2024 Games #~# LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—In the wake of two straight Olympics with record-low TV ratings, an increasingly desperate International Olympic Committee announced plans Friday to increase  viewership by adding skinny-dipping to the 2024 Summer Games in Paris. “As times and tastes change, the Olympics are no different, which is why we’re giving viewers young and old alike a chance to watch the most ripped, nubile nude athletes compete  to bring home the skinny-dipping gold,” said IOC president Thomas Bach, describing how the committee fast-tracked several skinny-dipping events—including pairs, synchronized, and 400-meter-relay skinny-dipping—so that each nation’s sexiest, most desirable athletes could train over the next two years. “These events will of course be broadcast live and with no censorship whatsoever. We’ll be working with our television and internet streaming providers to offer comprehensive underwater coverage of these outstanding, totally nude athletes as they seek Olympic glory. Who knows what they’ll get up to in the crystal-clear waters of our giant Olympic pools? You won’t want to miss the most supple, alluring, completely undressed athletes the world has ever seen.” Skinny-dipping is reportedly one of several new, more sensational changes to the Games, with the  IOC also modifying rules for dressage events to mandate that all competitors must be nude and riding bareback on a horse.
Mother Of Bride Going Hog-Wild With Short Blessing She Allowed To Give During Secular Wedding #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Caught off guard by the sudden intensity with which she launched into the only liturgical part of the ceremony, attendees at a local wedding reported this week that the mother of the bride was going absolutely hog-wild with the short blessing she was allowed to give during the otherwise secular nuptials. “Whoa, she’s not fucking around, is she?” bridesmaid Stacy Nguyen whispered as the bride’s mother kicked her invocation into overdrive, calling directly upon the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost; quoting generously from Scripture; and offering overtly religious sentiments that caused many guests to shift uncomfortably in their seats. “I was expecting some vague allusions to spiritual concerns, but she’s using every second they’ve given her to go balls out with the Jesus stuff. I’ve already lost count of how many times she’s said ‘our Lord and Savior.’ Holy shit, wait…what is she…did that woman seriously bring her own candle?” The mother of the bride reportedly concluded her blessing by making aggressive eye-contact with each member of the wedding party and saying “God bless all of you.”
Carnival Cruise Lines Turns 50 #~# The first Carnival Cruise Lines ship set sail on March 11, 1972, ushering in an era of modern-day luxury cruise liners that have generated their share of headlines over the years. The Onion looks at highlights in the history of Carnival Cruise Lines on its 50-year anniversary.
Actresses Up For Madonna Biopic Must Do ‘Grueling’ Boot Camp #~# Contenders in the running to play Madonna in a new biopic directed and cowritten by the performer are facing “grueling” training to land the part, which includes putting in 11-hour days working with Madonna’s choreographer. What do you think?
U.S. Condemns Russian Bombing Of Hospital As Horrific Act That Any World Power Could Theoretically Commit #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking out Thursday against an atrocity that officials noted is a hypothetical outcome whenever an airstrike is conducted, the United States condemned  the Russian bombing of a Ukrainian hospital as a horrific act that any world power could theoretically commit. “The shelling of a medical facility is a heinous, unacceptable action that, if you think about it, is always a possibility when a really powerful country attacks a far less powerful one,” said President Joe Biden, explaining that the Russian attack on innocent civilians in the city of Mariupol was a flagrant breach of international law and definitely one of the potential results anytime a significant military force engages in a wide-ranging, open-ended conflict with an enemy. “Just know that these abhorrent deeds, which, for the sake of argument, any nation might carry out when it ranks in the top five globally in terms of defense spending, will not go unpunished. It is barbaric to slaughter blameless women and children, and while you can absolutely see how such a thing might happen from time to time, it is completely unacceptable.” Biden went on to state that Russia’s gruesome crime against ordinary citizens was a tragedy that would go down in history, unlike some others, he added, that hopefully won’t.
Companies That Have Stopped Operating In Russia Over The Ukraine Invasion #~# With the United States imposing strict sanctions, many American companies are feeling more and more pressure to cut off ties with Russia. Here are several corporations that have stopped operating in Russia because of their invasion of Ukraine.
Fuddruckers Pursues Market Opportunity By Opening 1,000 Locations In Russia #~# HOUSTON—As many companies reassessed their presence in the nation following its invasion of Ukraine, restaurant chain Fuddruckers announced Thursday that it was pursuing a golden market opportunity by opening 1,000 new locations in Russia. “Running a successful business is a matter of identifying a window of opportunity and seizing on it, and that’s what we plan to do by moving into Russia in a very big way over the next six months,” said Fuddruckers spokesperson Paul Gubbins, adding that the major drivers behind the move were a sudden glut of available commercial real estate and a vast pool of newly unemployed Russian workers with fast food restaurant experience. “We have to strike while the iron is hot. That’s just smart business. Expanding our footprint in Russia is a multibillion-dollar decision that will generate massive profits for our investors. Certainly, there are some risks, but frankly, there are always going to be risks in business, and we believe that  from Moscow to Vladivostok, the Russian people are hungry for the world’s greatest hamburgers. It’s a great time to be Fuddruckers.” Company officials went on to state that no battle between powerful governments would  deter the fast food chain’s unshakable commitment to supplying the people of Russia with Big Chili Cheese Dogs.
Texas Bans Consensual Sex #~# AUSTIN, TX—Joined by Republicans from the state legislature in a highly publicized ceremony, Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a law Thursday banning consensual sex. “I’m proud to sign this bill into law today making all consensual sexual acts punishable by a minimum of 10 years in prison,” said Abbott, who was applauded by religious and other right-wing interest groups for standing up for traditional family values. “Consensual sex has always been immoral, and now it’s finally illegal, too. Enthusiastic, continuous, specific, freely given, and clearly communicated sexual consent will not be tolerated in Texas. Any person who sets up two friends on a date who then go on to have a consensual sexual relationship will also be held responsible and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.” At press time, the U.S. Supreme Court had issued a ruling declining to block the new law.
The Onion’s Spring 2022 TV Preview #~# The nation’s roughly 3 trillion networks and streaming services have unveiled their spring TV lineups, bringing highly publicized debuts and new seasons of beloved shows to homes across the country. The Onion runs down the most anticipated programming of spring 2022.
Starbucks Fights Unionization Effort By Hiring Pinkertons To Order Exhausting, Hyper-Specific Drinks #~# BUFFALO, NY—In a dramatic escalation by the coffee chain’s executives, Starbucks reportedly began fighting employee efforts to unionize this week by hiring the Pinkerton agency to enter stores en masse and order exhausting, hyper-specific drinks. A representative from the Pinkertons who spoke on condition of anonymity told reporters that Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson had directed their agents to demoralize baristas and create a toxic situation in their workplace with drink orders that called for a minimum of 10 ingredients, including at least six pumps of an ingredient not listed anywhere on the menu. Sources confirmed that Starbucks’ contract with the longtime union-busting agency specifies that dozens of Pinkertons disguised as regular customers hold up the line by saying they don’t know what they want and then changing their mind several times. It is believed they often request oat milk, soy milk, coconut milk, and regular milk before insisting that their drink contain no milk of any kind because it hurts their stomach. Reports suggest they then become indignant and harass employees when informed their requests cannot be fulfilled. Starbucks reportedly believes that entire shifts spent trying to make cappuccinos without foam or sugar-free drinks with caramel drizzle will leave employees exhausted and encourage high turnover. If its initial efforts fail, Starbucks is said to be planning another phase of its union-busting campaign in which Pinkertons would show up to baristas’ apartments and threaten to harm their families unless someone makes  a venti mocha latte with eight shots of espresso, four pumps of white mocha syrup, four pumps of cinnamon dolce syrup, three pumps of hazelnut syrup, three pumps of dark caramel sauce, extra salt, extra caramel drizzle, less whipped cream, extra whipped cream, and cold foam on the spot.
Volunteers Rush To Clean Up Glistening Hunks After Massive Baby Oil Spill #~# MIAMI—Descending on the most heavily impacted shorelines in a desperate effort to contain the damage, volunteers rushed to the Florida coast to clean up the glistening hunks found lying on the beach after a massive baby oil spill, sources confirmed Thursday. “Some of these poor studs are absolutely shimmering in all that fragrant mineral oil, so we’re just happy to do whatever we can to help,”  volunteer Stephanie Michaels said as she demonstrated how to scrub every square inch of spillage from the chiseled frame of an Adonis. “See how all that gushing oil has highlighted every contour of this hunk’s absolutely ripped pecs and V-cut abs? You can use a brush, towel, or even your tongue to clean them up. When a tragedy like this strikes, it feels good to be able to provide some comfort to these beautiful, perfect creatures.” At press time, the baby oil spill had reportedly destabilized the hunks’ ecosystem, forcing hundreds to be relocated to a new gym.
Governor Signs Legislation Making College Tuition-Free #~# Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham (D-NM) has signed the New Mexico Opportunity Scholarship Act, which waives tuition for students attending any in-state public school or tribal college, including community colleges. What do you think?
Consumer Protection Bureau Fines Curio Shop That Disappeared Hours After Unloading Haunted Talisman #~# WASHINGTON—Cracking down on what the agency deemed a widespread deceitful practice, the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau fined a local curio shop Thursday that allegedly disappeared mere hours after unloading a haunted talisman. “We became aware of the situation after a handful of customers who bought enchanted talismans from the shop reported unnerving side effects shortly thereafter, but were unable to locate the business when they sought to return the items for cash or store credit,” said agency spokesperson Martine Belessandro, claiming that regardless of the side effects, which ranged from aging in reverse to demonic possession, the consumer was entitled to at least 90 days of purchase protection according to the store’s own policy and local laws. “After the store disappeared without any evidence of having existed outside of the memory of the customers in question, our agency managed to track down the cape-adorned proprietor and issue him a series of fines with the goal of preventing him from committing the same deception in another town. If business owners are going to cackle and disappear in a cloud of smoke, that’s their prerogative, but they do need to prominently display adequate signage of their intent to do so around the store, as well as include written details of the return policy on each receipt.” At press time, the CPB informed the proprietor he would need to resign his paperwork in red or blue ink rather than blood.
McDonald’s, Starbucks Leaving Russia #~# McDonald’s and Starbucks are shutting down their restaurants and cafés in Russia, and Coca-Cola is suspending its operations there in response to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. What do you think?
Desperate Americans Violently Fight Over Oil-Covered Bird #~# GULF SHORES, MS—Sprinting down the beach while the confused animal squawked, flapped its wings, and attempted to flee, Americans who were desperate to find cheap fuel Wednesday reportedly fought tooth and nail over an oil-covered bird. “Give me that—it’s mine, do you hear me, it’s mine!” yelled hundreds of U.S. residents, who kicked, bit, and clawed at each other while attempting to get their hands on the petroleum-soaked gull, shove it into a pillowcase, and wring every last drop out of crude oil from its feathers to make precious gasoline. “Careful, this thing is worth a fortune. It could probably power my car for at least a couple of days! Oh my God, stop pulling so hard, you’re spilling oil everywhere. Wait, stop! No! Stop!” At press time, Americans were reportedly sobbing on the beach after several people refused to let go of the bird, accidentally ripped it in half, and then dropped it into the ocean.
Heroic Bystander Talks Knife-Wielding Man Down To Fistfight #~# NEW YORK—In what witnesses described as an act of selfless bravery, a heroic bystander talked a knife-wielding man down to a fistfight, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Hey, man, why don’t you put the knife down and settle this thing with just your fists,” the courageous passerby was heard to say when he spotted a man who pulled a knife on a drunk bar patron. “Before you do anything you’ll regret, let’s think this through, okay? Violence with a knife isn’t the answer. Let’s take a deep breath and start winding up an uppercut instead.  Plus, there will be a lot less of a mess.” At press time, the bystander had reportedly continued his heroic ways when he talked a woman about to throw herself off a bridge down to merely cutting herself instead.
How The Russian Invasion Of Ukraine Will Impact The Global Economy #~# The International Monetary Fund recently warned that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine and the economic sanctions imposed on Russia by countries around the world will have a “severe impact on the global economy.” The Onion looks at the most consequential effects of the Russian invasion on the global economic forecast.
Florida Researchers Building Machine To Test Future Of Mega Hurricanes #~# Florida researchers are building a $12.8 million hurricane simulator to study the disastrous effects of hurricanes on U.S. infrastructure in a hangar-sized chamber able to recreate storm surges and winds of up to 200 mph to prepare for worsening conditions due to climate change. What do you think?
FDA Warns Americans To Take That Out Of Their Mouth This Instant #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Speaking in a stern tone and wagging a finger, Food and Drug Administration commissioner Robert Califf made an announcement Wednesday in which he warned Americans to take that out of their mouths this instant. “That’s dirty, you can’t have that—spit it out, I said spit it out right now!” said Califf, who reportedly struggled to suppress the panic rising in his voice as he urged tight-lipped Americans to drop it immediately. “I’m warning you. You’re going to be sick if you eat that. You don’t know where that’s been. Don’t make me count to three. One. Two. No! Don’t swallow! Do not swallow!” At press time, Califf was heard exclaiming “Ah, fuck!” as Americans vomited all over his hands.
Company Celebrates Employee’s 40 Steadfast Years Of Being Unable To Retire #~# FORT SMITH, AR—Offering her big smiles and pats on the shoulder as they passed around slices of cake, staff at a local branch office of Belle Point Insurance celebrated employee Kathy Vershbow for her 40 steadfast years of being unable to retire, sources confirmed Wednesday. “It’s been wonderful to see Kathy’s commitment to this place and to a job that, even after all these years, still hasn’t provided her with enough financial security to leave,” said coworker Ben Ikeda, who remarked that with four decades of loyalty to the company, Vershbow had “certainly earned her stripes,” giving her the opportunity to never stop working as a full-time claims adjuster until the day she dies. “I met Kathy when I first started here, and I could tell way back then that she was never going to make enough to one day put in her papers and go off somewhere to enjoy her golden years. Sure enough, she’s still right here and still barely making it from check to check. I don’t know how she does it!” At press time, Vershbow had reportedly been let go and replaced with someone 40 years younger and willing to work for 50 cents less per hour. 
Gas Prices In U.S. Hit Record High At $4.17 Per Gallon #~# The national average price of gas has hit a record $4.17 per gallon as President Biden announced a ban on Russian oil, natural gas, and coal imports in response to the country’s invasion of Ukraine. What do you think?
‘The Onion’ Promises Russian Oil Will Remain Available In ‘The Onion’ Store #~# NEW YORK—Pledging to keep supplies line open in the face of reckless choices by Western leaders, The Onion released a statement Tuesday promising that Russian oil would remain available in its company store.  “In response to the international community’s brash actions banning Russia’s petroleum exports, we want to again reassure our customers that a pipeline of its high-quality oil will continue to flow unabated from our company store,” the statement read in part, reiterating that for a mere $500 per barrel, customers could purchase petroleum in single or dozen barrel allotments from The Onion while shopping for a hat, T-shirt, or mug. “Whatever your stance on the continuing conflict in Ukraine, we all have to heat our homes and get to work. That’s why millions of you depend on The Onion’s store to cut out the middleman in dealing with petrostates. And today only, use the code ‘GAZPROM’ to get free shipping!” The statement concluded by noting that for every hundred barrels ordered, The Onion would throw in a free copy of The Onion Magazine: The Iconic Covers That Transformed An Undeserving World.
Worst Social Media Mistakes You Can Make While Posting About War #~# Social media can be both a tool for good and a tool for evil, depending on how you decide to use it. When posting about an international conflict and the resulting fallout, here are the worst mistakes you can make.
Kamala Harris Spends Day Putting Together Keynote Presentation Of Reasons She Deserves Raise #~# WASHINGTON—After  booking a conference room in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building to focus on the project, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly spent Tuesday  putting together a Keynote presentation on reasons why she deserves a  raise. “All right, I definitely want to get right away to the fact that I barely missed a day last year, so maybe that’s on the first  page?” said the vice president, who is believed to have spent 40 minutes  designing pie charts that document how she budgets her time to  “maximize efficiency” and “guarantee output,” and then closed the room’s  blinds to focus on her opening lines. “I guess I could start  off by just saying something like, ‘I know you have a lot on your plate  right now, so I appreciate you finding time in your busy schedule.’ Or  do I just cut to the chase and say that I want a 5% raise and  here are the reasons why? That’s where I could bring in the stuff about  my great attitude and how punctual I am. God, who am I kidding? I should  probably just delete all these stupid transition animations and start  over.” At press time, sources confirmed Harris had  closed her laptop, let out a  sigh of relief, and left the office early after successfully completing  two slides.
Pope Francis Urges World To Respect Every Person’s Beliefs About Pizza Toppings #~# VATICAN CITY—Delivering an impassioned address from St. Peter’s Basilica to believers of all denominations across the globe, Pope Francis urged the world Tuesday to respect every person’s beliefs about pizza toppings. “I speak today to all peace-loving citizens of the world, imploring them to care for one another regardless of whether they prefer mushroom and red pepper, sausage and onion, or even meatball and ricotta,” said the supreme pontiff, often pausing for moments as he grew visibly emotional describing the necessity of universal love for even those who chose unorthodox toppings such as buffalo chicken or Philly cheesesteak. “We should not judge those who want pineapple on their pizza, lest we ourselves be judged. Indeed, the beauty of our flock lies in our diversity. I entrust each one of you, and all your pizza-eating brothers and sisters, to the Lord and to the Virgin Mary, and I bless you from my heart.” At press time, Pope Francis had asked those listening to pray for him after announcing that he now intended to sample a spicy meat lover’s pizza.
Friend Maybe Bit Too Available After Having Baby #~# ROCHESTER, MN—Caught off guard by the new mother’s eagerness to make plans, sources confirmed Tuesday that local woman Elise Andersen was maybe a bit too available after having a baby. “I told her, ‘I totally get that you’re going to have your hands full for a while,’ and she sent me a link to an EDM-themed bar crawl,” said 31-year-old Cara Prangley, who clarified that while she understood the need to cope with isolation during early parenthood, it had been only four days since Andersen had given birth. “I’m not trying to shame her or anything, but I think she’s still bleeding? I’m a little concerned, but maybe a tequila Tuesday is just what she needs. She did say she’s getting the best sleep of her life.” At press time, Andersen had reportedly sent her friend a text asking if they could stop by the fire station on their way to the club.
Netflix’s ‘The Crown’, ‘Lupin’ Sets Robbed Of $500K In Props, Equipment #~# Netflix has been the victim of two big on-set robberies in the space of two days, with thieves stealing $200,000 worth of props from The Crown and $330,000 worth of equipment from the set of Lupin in Paris. What do you think?
Kanye West Video Depicts Him Killing Pete Davidson #~# Ye, formerly Kanye West, has released an animated music video for the song “Eazy” in which a claymation version of him kidnaps another character resembling Pete Davidson, his ex-wife Kim Kardashian’s current boyfriend, and buries him alive. What do you think?
Job Creationist Believes There Only One True CEO Who Made All Jobs From On High #~# DALLAS—Insisting that every form of compensated employment was established by a supreme executive, job creationist Jonathan Lamar told reporters Tuesday that he strongly believed there was only one true CEO who made all jobs from on high. “This world’s many positions of paid labor were brought into existence by an all-powerful being who offers employment to those who answer His call and accept the terms of His offer,” said Lamar, explaining that phenomena such as corporate hierarchies, career trajectories, and human resources departments were too beautiful and complex to have come about through ordinary economic processes, and must instead have been designed by an eternal CEO who sits atop a heavenly org chart. “He created these jobs in His image, and it is the earthly task of each employee to do His work in their daily lives. The CEO will reward His most faithful servants, one day allowing them to sit beside Him on the Board of Directors in the glory of His top-floor conference room.” Asked for comment on the 1.6 million Americans who lost their jobs last month, Lamar told reporters that the CEO worked in mysterious ways.
Things To Never Say To A Child About Nuclear War #~# With Russia placing its nuclear stockpile on high alert, many are comparing today’s political climate with that of the Cold War. When your child inevitably comes to you with questions about nuclear war, here are things you should never say.
Quality Time With Son Mostly Spent Convincing Him Not To Tell Mom About Affair #~# SALT LAKE CITY—In an effort to keep the infidelity a secret, local man Darren Quimby mostly used the quality time he spent with his son Tyler this week to convince him not to tell mom about his affair. “Before we check out the next mini golf hole, I just wanted to make sure you’re not going to let mom know what you saw the other day,” said Quimby, promising the young boy that they could get ice cream if he kept the fact that he witnessed his father kissing his assistant in the parking lot to himself. “Of course, you and I know that me and that lady are just friends, but you also know how your mom can get. She just wouldn’t understand. So I think it’s better if we just don’t say anything, don’t you agree? This is just between you and me, little buddy. You know that we wouldn’t get to spend all this fun time together like we are now if you told mommy, right?” At press time, a family court judge ruled that, moving forward, Quimby would only be able to spend quality time with his son every other weekend.
Biden Provides Nuclear Codes To Scammer Pretending To Be Pentagon #~# WASHINGTON—In an apparent phishing attack that has severely compromised U.S. national security, sources confirmed Monday that President Joe Biden had inadvertently provided the military’s nuclear launch codes to a hacker who emailed him pretending to be the Pentagon. “I am general of the pentigon [sic] and we have recently detected an issue with your account and need to confirm you are president, so please send nuclear codes as verification ASAP,” the scammer’s email read in part, reportedly prompting a confused Biden to send over the highly sensitive codes in the hopes it would prevent him from getting permanently locked out of his government computer. “You can electronic mail the confidential information to our secure top secret address nuclearcodes@pentagon.tv. In addition to nuclear codes, please send $2,000 USD in Apple gift cards for milatary porposes [sic].” According to reports, the flummoxed commander in chief later called his grandchildren to ask if they knew how to reset the nuclear codes.
Fitbit Recalls Over One Million Ionic Smartwatches Over Burn Injury Risk #~# Google-owned Fitbit has recalled more than a million of its Ionic smartwatches after receiving almost 200 reports of overheating batteries causing burn injuries. What do you think?
Wimpy Little Pistol That Angry Teen Brought To School Just Makes Bullying Worse #~# AINSWORTH, OH—Citing the marked increase in torment he faced after removing the weapon from his backpack, sources confirmed Monday that the wimpy little pistol brought to school by angry local teen Derek Delhano only served to make him the recipient of even more bullying. “Oh, man, this is classic Derek—did you really think you were going to show us all by walking through the halls and waving around that little peashooter?” said McKinsdale High School senior Todd Andrews, one of several jeering students who surrounded Delhano at his locker and speculated that, in all likelihood, the only thing smaller than the enraged 17-year-old’s firearm was his penis. “He brings one itty-bitty pistol to school and thinks he’s going to make everybody pay! Jesus, what a fuckin’ wuss. What is that, anyway, your mom’s gun? I’d tell you to kill yourself, but clearly that thing isn’t going to get the job done.” At press time, Delhano was reportedly being held down and told to stop pistol-whipping himself.
Small Town Teen Dreams Of Someday Becoming Memorial Highway #~# TAFT, CA—Smiling as he imagined his name being displayed on a road sign in large reflective letters, local small town teen Zack Kent announced Monday that he had big dreams of someday becoming a memorial highway. “I know it sounds crazy, but I really think I have what it takes to make it to that level,” said Kent, a gleam in his eye visible as he surveyed the stretch of state route 119 that he hoped would someday bear his name. “I can see it now: the Zack T. Kent Memorial Highway. Really has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? Everyone will look up from behind their steering wheels and see that I made something of myself. Don’t get me wrong, I know it will take a lot of hard work, but I’m very dedicated. Just last Friday I took the snow tires off my car, and I’ve been drinking more and more behind the wheel. I’ve earned this.” At press time, Kent was reportedly devastated after a 10-year-old casualty received all of the attention from his hard-earned drunk driving accident.
Judd Apatow Criticized For Nepotism After Casting Own Sperm To Star In New Movie #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling the choice both lazy and uninspired, top film reviewers criticized Judd Apatow for nepotism Monday after the director and producer cast his own sperm to star in his new movie, The Bubble. “Rather than cast a wide net and discover new talent, Judd Apatow has once again decided to rely on those close to him, choosing actors plucked directly from his own testicles,” Los Angeles Times critic David Freeman wrote in a scathing review, adding that while Apatow’s sperm cells were hilarious and clearly had a natural penchant for physical comedy, it still didn’t excuse the fact that he failed to look any farther than his own ejaculate when casting the film. “Yes, they had great chemistry with Keegan-Michael Key, and yes, their flagellum slaps were perfectly timed, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that they came from the ballsack of Hollywood royalty. You can say you’re objective and that your sperm earned the role, but how can you not be biased when you cranked them straight out of your penis, into a tissue, and then onto the big screen?” At press time, Apatow reportedly laughed off any accusation of nepotism after his sperm signed with Creative Artists Agency.
Jan. 6 Committee: Evidence Trump Engaged In ‘Criminal Conspiracy’ #~# The House select committee investigating the Jan. 6 Capitol riot has alleged in a court filing that former President Trump and a right-wing lawyer were part of a “criminal conspiracy” to overturn the 2020 presidential election. What do you think?
Most Controversial Episodes Of HBO’s ‘Euphoria’ #~# This shot-for-shot plagiarization of the season 5 episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation showed that the Euphoria writers aren’t afraid to go there.
Colin Farrell Reveals Penguin Transformation Was Achieved By Removing Prosthetics #~# LOS ANGELES—Detailing the time-consuming process of becoming camera-ready for his role in The Batman, Colin Farrell revealed Friday that his transformation into “the Penguin” was achieved by sitting still each day for hours at a time as the makeup artist removed his various prosthetics. “It took about four hours each day for the layers upon layers of ‘Colin Farrell’ prosthetics I wear to be removed—and even longer for me to put back on afterward,” said the 45-year-old Irish American actor, largely regarded as one of the most handsome leading men in Hollywood thanks to the pounds of silicon and constricting compression wraps he dons on a daily basis to cover up the scars and other perceived imperfections now on display in his turn as the legendary Batman villain. “At first it was really difficult to act through all of the extra flabby skin and giant buck teeth that I’ve been hiding all these years, but I think the intense transformation paid off in the end. Plus it felt really nice to cut off the ultra-shaping girdle I wear every moment of every day and just breathe normally for a few hours while at work.” At press time, Zoe Kravitz confirmed her costuming on The Batman was also intense after having to spend hours in the makeup chair getting the patent latex skin that makes up her hands and face painted to resemble human flesh.
Historians Trace Catholic Practice Of Eating Fish On Fridays Back To Third-Century Long John Silver’s Promotion #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—According to a new paper published by historians from the University of Notre Dame, the Catholic tradition of eating fish on Fridays can be traced back to a third-century Long John Silver’s promotion. “Pope Sixtus II was a huge fan of the chain, and urged all of his flock to join him after Mass,” said paper coauthor Joseph Clark, who explained that while Catholic scholars had previously believed that Sea-Shares were a recent menu addition, the historians had discovered evidence that the promotion has existed since approximately 250 A.D. when the first Long John Silver’s opened by the Spanish Steps. “We believe there may have been a buy two, get one promotion the pope was trying to take advantage of that he would have otherwise not been able to afford. Shortly after that first gathering at the fast food chain, Long John Silver’s started offering a $3 two-piece combo every Friday night, and the pope cemented the practice as a Lenten tradition. Our records show he even went as far as consecrating hush puppies.” At press time, Clark added that Pope Sixtus II was unfortunately martyred late one night after getting into a fight with another Long John Silver’s customer. 
What To Know About Ketanji Brown Jackson #~# Confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson will begin March 21. The Onion answers the most pressing questions about President Biden’s first Supreme Court nominee.
Fluorescent Light Therapy Box Helps Remote Workers Experience Draining Effects Of Office #~# INDIANAPOLIS— Touting the product’s ability to replicate the debilitating repercussions of toiling in person, a new fluorescent light therapy box reportedly helps remote workers experience the draining effects of the office, sources confirmed Friday. “Before I felt so energetic and focused, but this thing quickly puts me in a terrible mood and helps me feel like I’m wasting my life in a dead-end job,” said remote worker Larry Monroe, noting how the fluorescent light box’s constant loud buzzing helped amplify his feelings of numbness and apathy. “All it takes is sitting under this thing for five minutes or so in the morning, and it completely saps away my ability to focus, it’s great. I’m really feeling the monotonous sterility of day-in, day-out menial work, but it’s all from home! I could be imagining things, but I do feel like it’s making me paler, too.” At press time, Monroe also recommended creating a cramped workspace with dingy white walls to further simulate the depressing office environment.
Homeless Matt Damon Forced To Sell Kidney After Losing Everything In Crypto Pump And Dump Scheme #~# LOS ANGELES—In a desperate attempt to make some quick cash, a homeless Matt Damon was forced to sell his kidney Friday after losing everything in a crypto pump and dump scheme. “I know I shouldn’t have put all my money in that hyped up crypto token, but it seemed like a sure thing at the time!” said Damon, who was lowering himself in an ice bath at a run-down clinic just outside the city limits after being tricked into buying a fraudulent cryptocurrency right before the price crashed. “I already sold all the plasma I could to try to pay off the money I borrowed, and I’m feeling really weak. But what else am I supposed to do? God, they said Diarrhea Coin was going to make me filthy rich. What the hell was I thinking? Not only do I not have any money, now I won’t even have my fucking kidney.” At press time, Damon reportedly learned about a new cryptocurrency that was sure to turn everything around for him.
Montana Governor Kills Mountain Lion Being Monitored By National Parks Staff #~# The governor of Montana, Greg Gianforte, shot and killed a mountain lion that was being monitored by Yellowstone National Park staff, his second such hunt of a monitored animal that ventured outside the protected areas of the park. What do you think?
Trucker Convoy Protest In D.C. Seen As Flop After No One Shows Up #~# A trucker rally, modeled after recent demonstrations in Canada to protest Covid mandates, took place in Washington, D.C. during the president’s State of the Union address Tuesday but failed to bring the thousands of attendees the organizers expected, with only a handful of people present. What do you think?
TV Shows Based On Real Events That Were Made Way Too Soon #~# Historical events might make incredible television, but it often makes sense to wait until enough time has passed to reflect on events. Here are several TV shows based on real stories that were made way, way too soon.
U.S. Seizes New York City Borough Belonging To Russian Oligarch #~# NEW YORK—Saying the billionaire had used the asset as his own private pleasure island for decades, the U.S. Justice Department announced Thursday that it had seized a New York City borough belonging to Russian oligarch Alisher Usmanov. “When Usmanov bought this borough in the late ’90s, it was a flagrant display of the sort of ill-begotten gains Putin and his corrupt cronies have amassed, and in the face of the unjust war in Ukraine, it was time to hold them accountable,” said Attorney General Merrick Garland, noting that the 22.7-square-mile luxury island—nicknamed Manhattan by Usmanov—had been sitting vacant for years before the purchase to artificially inflate its price. “Once Usmanov got wind of the seizure, he attempted to move the borough into the Maldives. Thankfully, we were able to freeze his assets in time, which also included a lavish expansion he had started building into the neighboring borough of the Bronx.” At press time, Jeff Bezos had purchased the seized borough at auction for $1.74 trillion.
Must-Read Reflections On The Situation In Ukraine #~# Russia’s recent invasion of Ukraine has prompted a flurry of reflections, demands, and predictions across the media landscape, each more correct than the last. The Onion sifts through the many reflections published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile takes on the situation in Ukraine.
Woman Promises Free Beer, Pizza For Any Friends Who Help Her Move Body Out Of Apartment #~# WHITEFISH, MT—Saying she would be incredibly grateful for volunteers, local woman Blaire Nichols reportedly promised free beer and pizza Thursday for any friends who helped her move a body out of her apartment. “You’d definitely be doing me a solid because it’s pretty heavy and a little awkward to carry,” said Nichols, adding that there would be more than enough food, snacks, and drinks to make moving the 180-pound corpse worth their while. “Last time I tried to slide the body down the flight of stairs by myself and I ended up throwing out my back, but I also don’t want to pay a company to do it. If it’s any extra incentive, we can take it apart, carry it in several trips, and then come back for a little party at my place.” Nichols stressed that she would have no problem getting her hands dirty and returning the favor someday.
Drano Introduces New Shampoo For Eliminating Drain-Clogging Hair At Source #~# RACINE, WI—Touting the gel as the proactive solution to common plumbing blockages, Drano introduced a new shampoo Thursday for eliminating drain-clogging hair at its source. “Whether your hair is dry and frizzy or oily and sleek, we guarantee our shampoo will leave your bathroom drains looking strong, fresh, and clean,” said SC Johnson CEO Herbert Fisk Johnson III, who explained that depending upon the thickness of their hair, consumers would need to pour either one-third  to one-half of the bottle’s contents over their heads, letting the product sit on their scalps for 15 minutes before rinsing with hot water. “Why wait for clogs to happen when you can stop them before they start? You’ll be amazed by how easily your hair slides right off your burning scalp. And what’s even better is that Drano Shampoo is long-lasting, guaranteed to stop the development of new follicles for up to 90 days.” At press time, Johnson added that the product came with a snake tool that customers could use to scrape off any hair still clinging to their scalded heads. 
Ukrainian Sailor Attempts To Sink Russian Oligarch’s Superyacht #~# A Ukrainian sailor has been arrested in Mallorca after attempting to sink a $6.6 million yacht owned by his employer, a Russian CEO of an arms exporter, as revenge after seeing footage of a Russian rocket attack on a block of apartments in his hometown of Kyiv. What do you think?
Biggest Things Catholics Give Up For Lent #~# Lent is often used as a period for Catholics to experiment with other religions and even some cults.
Pope Grants New Fathers Working At Vatican 3-Day Paternity Leave #~# Pope Francis has amended the Vatican’s family leave policy, which already offers six months of fully paid maternity leave to new mothers, to include a three-day paid paternity leave to new fathers who work at the Vatican. What do you think?
‘Babe, I Didn’t Even Know You Liked That Stuff,’ Says Man Returning From Romantic Four-Course Meal For Two #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Saying he didn’t even know she liked that kind of stuff, local man Jonas Hough returned home from a romantic four-course meal for two Wednesday to find his girlfriend angry. “Oh my God, babe, if I knew you enjoyed hearing a string quartet play our song on a garden patio under the stars, I totally would have asked you to come,” said Hough, adding that he thought his girlfriend hated dressing up and eating gourmet cuisine by candlelight, which was his reasoning for taking his buddy instead. “Honestly, I could have sworn you were, like, allergic to chocolate-covered strawberries or something, so I decided that tonight would just be for the boys. Plus, aren’t you pretty anti-romantic-ambience, or am I confusing that with something else?” At press time, Hough promised to make it up to his girlfriend by taking her out to a friend’s house so she could watch them play video games.
Actors Describe What It’s Really Like Shooting Famous Sex Scenes #~# Sex scenes in your favorite films might look hot and steamy, but during filming, the complete opposite is true. We asked actors to describe what it was like to portray intimacy on camera, and this is what they said.
U.S. Governors Order State-Run Liquor Stores To Stop Selling Russian Vodka #~# The governors of Ohio, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania and Utah have ordered boycotts of Russian-style vodkas, products that account for a tiny fraction of the U.S. vodka market, as a symbolic move to show support for Ukraine after the Russian invasion. What do you think?
Crows Evolve New Blond Look Concluding 17-Million-Year Goth Phase #~# BERKELEY, CA—Explaining that the moody species had matured, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley announced Wednesday that crows had evolved a new blond look after concluding their 17-million-year goth phase. “Finally, after millions of years of unnecessary angst and aggression, the Corvus brachyrhynchos has decided to grow up and act and look like the adult birds they are,” said evolutionary scientist Professor Julia Hastings, adding that crows’ entire attitude as a species had been rather embarrassing, from the black feathers, to their terrible cawing, to their  obsession with blood and gore. “Ever since crows decided to branch off as a species and become goth, they’ve been super performative about their anger, making a point of bullying smaller birds and only hanging out with other goth birds. But now that they’ve grown up and lost the shock factor, they almost seem ashamed about it all.” At press time, the crows were seen sporting beautiful blond feathers, singing upbeat songs, and staring judgmentally at vultures who were eating roadkill.
Report: You Have Earned Enough OnionBucks To Purchase Virtual Gloves #~# THE ONIONVERSE—Noting the newly earned digital apparel would help keep your e-fingers stylish and warm, sources confirmed Wednesday that you have earned enough OnionBucks to purchase virtual gloves. “Congratulations, you can now buy a brand-new pair of virtual gloves on the Onion Market,” said the web-based authorities, stressing that it had never been easier for readers of The Onion to express their unique identity through online merchandise and emotes. “Once you equip these gloves, you’ll be the envy of everyone in our articles. And for a mere $2,999, you can even buy an Onion Dance to celebrate your new virtual gloves. These gloves are green. But keep earning OnionBucks, and you could upgrade to pink, blue, or even white!” At press time, sources urged you to go onto the OnionExchange to buy and sell OnionBucks, thereby even further raising your value in the Onionverse. 
Thousands Of Police Officers March Through Streets To Mourn Cop Who Was Shot While Scratching Ear With Gun #~# NEW YORK—Standing at attention in honor of their fallen colleague, thousands of members of the New York Police Department marched through the streets Wednesday to mourn an officer who was shot while scratching his ear with his gun. “On that terrible night, Officer Justin Frisch found himself with an extremely itchy ear while his free hand was in his pocket, so he did what any New York police officer would do,” said Mayor Eric Adams, who spoke to the enormous crowd of police officers gathered in the closed-off street to pay their respects to Frisch, the ninth cop in the city who had died while scratching themselves with their firearm so far this year. “Officer Frisch was struck twice in the line of duty; once, when the weapon accidentally discharged while he was scratching his ear, and a second time, when, not understanding that the first sound had come from his own gun, he immediately fired into his head again. The New York Police Department will remember this man as a hero forever.” At press time, NYPD community had been shaken by the wounding of another officer who had shot himself in the testicles while pretending his gun was an erect penis.
Biden Begs Nation To Leave A Tired Old Man Alone #~# WASHINGTON—In his first official State of the Union Address, President Joe Biden reportedly begged the nation Tuesday evening to leave a tired old man alone. “I was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1972—1972, do you hear me?” said Biden, who highlighted the multitude of objectives he had accomplished thus far into his term, including putting up with “you people” and holding on as long as he has. “Please, as your president, all I am asking the American people for is some peace and quiet. Spare me your polls and press conferences, for these weary bones could care less about approval ratings. I desire rest now. Good night.” At press time, Biden was hovering over Nancy Pelosi, attempting to take her chair.
‘We Are Turning The Corner On The Coronavirus,’ Says Biden As Giant Looming Covid-19 Particle Touches Down On D.C. #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that Americans could finally begin returning to their regular lives, President Joe Biden announced during  State of the Union address Tuesday that the country was turning the corner on the coronavirus, just as a gargantuan Covid-19 particle touched down on Washington, D.C. “After more than two years, we have made real progress against this terrible disease. We have the tools to contain it, and it is time to start living normally again,” said the commander in chief while the massive novel coronavirus molecule eclipsed the sky, sending D.C. residents screaming as its giant spike proteins toppled the Washington Monument and hurled it into the Potomac River before touching down and sending powerful shockwaves across the National Mall that shattered the U.S. Capitol’s windows. “Put away your masks. Breathe easy. We are entering a new, hopeful phase of—oh, Jesus fucking Christ, what is that goddamn thing?” At press time, the gargantuan virus was relentlessly moving towards Biden’s location as Capitol police shot round after round into the Covid particle’s thick, impenetrable cell membrane.
Biden Touts Incredible State Of Union When Compared To What’s Going On In Ukraine #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that the United States was doing relatively well all things considered, President Joe Biden touted an incredible state of the union Tuesday when compared to what’s going on in Ukraine. “You’d think that we’re not doing so hot right now, but then you watch the news about Ukraine and realize it could be a whole helluva lot worse,” said President Biden, adding that the infrastructure of Pittsburgh looks a lot better than the crumbling Kyiv buildings currently being bombed by a foreign power. “Let me tell ya, I would not be happy to be the president of Ukraine right now and have to give a speech about resilience and bravery, no sir, but this is an absolute cakewalk. I mean, sure, we have a crisis at our border and people starving in the streets, but no more than what’s normal. God bless the troops and God bless the United States or whatever, but God bless the Ukraine, because those poor bastards need it way more than us.” At press time, Biden bragged about how since he had become president, there had not been a single missile strike in the U.S.
Aides Assure Biden That Putin Not Going To Appear Mid-Speech In Plume Of Smoke #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to calm the president’s fears ahead of the State of the Union address, White House aides were reportedly assuring Joe Biden Tuesday that there was no way Vladimir Putin was going to appear mid-speech in a plume of smoke. “Mr. President, I assure you that the Russians do not have the technology or the ancient mystical knowledge to wield a teleportation spell that would allow a cackling Putin to suddenly materialize in the chambers,” the aide told a visibly shaken Biden, acknowledging that if Putin possessed the ability to appear in a puff of smoke, tonight’s nationally televised live address in front of a joint session of Congress would definitely be the perfect time and place to display such powers. “Honestly, I can see why you’d think that, especially when the lights flicker, ominous harpsichord music plays, and everyone in the audience gasps as Putin emerges from thin air, but you really don’t have to worry about that. The Capitol Building is a very secure location. Sir, please, just go out there and give the speech the best you can, just like you practiced—however, if you do happen to notice a lone figure still standing and clapping after the rest of the applause has died down, run for your life.” At press time, the aide ripped off his face to reveal that he was Putin.
Biden’s First State Of The Union: What To Expect #~# President Joe Biden will deliver his first state of the union address this evening amid the ongoing coronavirus pandemic and the recent Russian invasion of Ukraine. The Onion looks at what to expect from Biden’s address to the nation.
Switzerland Sanctions Russia, Breaking Neutral Status #~# Switzerland has announced that it will forego its commitment to “Swiss neutrality” in favor of adopting sanctions against Russia, freezing financial assets of several Russian oligarchs and closing airspace to flights from Russia. What do you think?
Terrified Pedestrian Narrowly Escapes Tesla By Jumping Across Rooftops, Hiding In Stairwell #~#  
Grandma Eyes Accessibility Ramp With Intensity Of Daredevil About To Jump Grand Canyon #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Squinting her eyes, exhaling, and whispering “it’s go time” while staring up the shallow incline, local grandmother Clarice Levine eyed the accessibility ramp to her assisted living facility Tuesday with the intensity of a daredevil about to jump the Grand Canyon. “Oh, baby, this is it, this is what we’ve been training for all these years and today is the day,” said the 86-year-old, who adjusted her diaper, gripped her walker, and slapped her face one last time before deciding to risk it all on one final, death-defying stunt. “Just remember, one wrong move and you’re done for. Hey, everybody! If I don’t come back, tell my husband I love him. Fuck it, here we go. And three...two...one...see you on the other side!” At press time, Levine made it two steps up the ramp before toppling over, falling directly on her hip, and instantly shattering 17 bones.
16-Year-Old Beats Chess World Champion Magnus Carlsen In Online Tournament #~# ​​Rameshbabu Praggnanandhaa, who in 2016 became the youngest international master in history at 10, is now the youngest to beat reigning five-time world chess champion Magnus Carlsen in the online Airthings Masters championship. What do you think?
Teen Wondering Whether Boyfriend Even Loves Her If He Unwilling To Exploit Relationship For TikTok #~# RALEIGH, NC—Expressing concern about her partner’s romantic commitment, local teen Kenzie Riches reportedly wondered Tuesday if her boyfriend even loved her if he wasn’t even willing to exploit their relationship for TikTok. “I just think it’s a little weird how I’m always happy to sacrifice my time to perform an artificial version of our relationship in exchange for the social currency of likes from strangers and you don’t do the same for me,” said the 17-year-old to her boyfriend Chase Turner before taking a front-facing video of herself crying with the caption “I do so much for him.” “You say you love me, but you never take videos walking in on me saying, ‘Bae be like.’ I understand that doing a dance trend together might be a little much, but you won’t even livestream us cuddling. All my friend’s boyfriends are happy to post videos of them kissing every day for #coupletok, but it’s like you’re not even committed to going viral.” At press time, Kenzie was reportedly overjoyed to hear that her boyfriend had recorded and uploaded the whole fight.
Man Would Honestly Rather Keep Having Panic Attack Than Do Some Stupid Little Counting Bullshit #~# BALTIMORE—Reeling from the overwhelming sensation that he was about to die, local man David McNeil reportedly explained Tuesday that he would honestly rather keep having a panic attack than do some stupid little counting bullshit. “I know that doing it would distract me to calm me down mentally, but God, that counting and breathing shit is just so idiotic,” said McNeil, allowing his vision to continue tunneling as he hyperventilated due to his parasympathetic nervous system being convinced he was drowning. “Look, if I have to be doubled over struggling to breathe, that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t need to name the things I can see in this room, what am I, in fucking kindergarten? I’d rather just keep feeling intense feelings of terror than compromise who I am.” Several reports indicated that McNeil continued panicking for hours until the moment he finally decided to count to three.
Things To Avoid Saying When Confronting A Bully #~# If you’re a weak-ass pussy bitch who is actually considering standing up for yourself, it’s important to be prepared. Here are several phrases to avoid saying when confronting a bully.
Washington Commanders Let Make-A-Wish Kid Announce Pick, Become New Team President, Take Fall For Financial Irregularities #~# LAS VEGAS—Saying that they wanted to help fulfill the dreams of an 8-year-old boy stricken with terminal cancer, the Washington Commanders revealed Friday that they would let a Make-A-Wish Foundation announce a team draft pick, become the new team president, and take the fall for the team’s financial irregularities. “Bryson is a great little kid going through something no child should have to go through, and we want to help him feel special by letting him announce our second-round pick as part of his new role as team president, for which he’ll be perfectly positioned should the federal investigation into our franchise result in jail time,” said Commanders owner Dan Snyder, adding that the team was thrilled to partner with the Make-A-Wish Foundation to fulfill the lifelong dreams of the boy to be fired for his role in sweeping sexual assault allegations under the rug in a football team’s ploy to clean up its public image. “Getting to stand onstage with the newest member of the Washington Commanders and then getting thrown under the bus by everyone in our organization who the House Oversight Committee speaks to is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and we couldn’t be happier to offer Bryson that experience. Not only will he receive a signed Terry McLaurin jersey and tickets to our first home game of the season, Bryson will be the likely recipient of a five- to seven-year prison sentence for his role in falsely reporting sales revenue and keeping money meant for the league. This is a really special moment.” At press time, the Make-A-Wish kid was being led off the NFL draft stage in handcuffs.
Poll Finds 58% Of U.S. Voters Would Back Independent Candidate Over Biden, Trump #~# A newly released poll found that 58% of registered voters surveyed would consider backing a moderate independent or third-party candidate over President Biden and former President Trump in the next election, while the majority also said they do not want either to run in 2024. What do you think?
Biden Tries To Boost Approval Ratings By Showing A Little Ankle #~# WASHINGTON—In a new strategy developed by top White House advisors and Democratic consultants, President Joe Biden reportedly tried to boost his approval ratings Friday by showing a little ankle. “Oops—well, will you look at that,” said Biden in an address to the American people, lifting the hem of his pants leg to expose the skin around his ankle bone and raising his eyebrows suggestively at the sight of the bare flesh. “La-di-da-da, now that sure is some nice ankle. If you’re good, you can see the other one, too. Just wait for the second term, and I just might get all the way up the shin.” At press time, Biden’s poll numbers had plummeted beyond what was previously thought imaginable.
Timeline Of Famous Prisoner Exchanges #~# The U.S. recently negotiated the release of former Marine Trevor Reed in a prisoner exchange with Russia, continuing a delicate and often controversial practice employed by nations during wartime. The Onion looks back at some of the most famous prisoner exchanges throughout history.
Ohio Law Mandates Rape Victims Send Thank You Notes For Gift Of Parenthood #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Eliciting both outrage and acclaim from each side of the political aisle, Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) signed a new law Friday mandating that rape victims send thank you notes to perpetrators for the gift of parenthood. “Parenthood is God’s gift to these women, so it’s only polite that sexual assault victims rush out and write a heartfelt note the moment they discover they’re pregnant,” said state Rep. Jean Schmidt (R), sponsor and author of the new law, who emphasized that victims should mail notes no later than three days after receiving a life-changing positive pregnancy test, lest they risk coming across rude and ungrateful to their rapist. “Face-to-face interaction is preferred, but at the very least a nice greeting card is required. Throwing in a gift basket wouldn’t be overdoing it either. I recommend all Ohio women keep some stationery and postage stamps on hand, just in case, since you never know when you might need them.” At press time, Schmidt added that any pregnant children writing thank you notes should be sure to keep their handwriting neat. 
Best Ways To Make Friends As An Adult #~# Trust us, it’s way better just to die alone. Here are the most effective ways to make friends as an adult.
New York Public Library Makes Banned Books Available Nationwide For Free #~# New York City’s Brooklyn Public Library announced a new initiative against growing censorship and book bans that provides young readers in the U.S. with free library cards to access its full eBook and audiobook collection. What do you think?
McCarthy Audio Reveals Trump Acknowledged Responsibility For Capitol Attack #~# House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy told Republican lawmakers in a leaked audio recording of a private conference call that then-President Donald Trump had admitted some responsibility for the deadly attack at the Capitol, which he denied until the audio became public. What do you think?
Congress Passes $33 Billion Bill To Send War-Torn Ukraine Free Community College #~# WASHINGTON—In response to continued Russian aggression in Eastern Europe, Congress unanimously passed a $33 billion bill to send war-torn Ukraine free community college. “As Putin’s forces encircle the Donbas region, this free community college tuition will be vital to preparing the Ukrainians for the economy of tomorrow,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, explaining that the program would mobilize tens of thousands of university administrators, professors, and tutors across the former Soviet state in a unified, well-compensated central agency. “Time is of the essence if Ukrainian fighters want any chance of attaining the skills necessary to compete in a globalized job market. Without a pathway to eventually securing a four-year degree, the future of Ukraine will be lost. But rest assured, we will spare no expense to make sure that doesn’t happen. The greatest weapon against tyranny is the power of knowledge.” At press time, Ukraine president Volodymyr Zelensky was profusely thanking the United States for helping to expand the job shadowing program.
Overly Cautious Pregnant Woman Only Going To Ride Roller Coaster 6 Or 7 Times #~# SANDUSKY, OH—Though reasoning that it was unlikely such a slight indulgence would affect her fetus this late in the term, local pregnant woman Rachel Mandross announced Thursday that she would rather be overly cautious and only ride a roller coaster at Cedar Point amusement park six or seven more times. “I don’t want to be a stick in the mud, but if there’s any chance at all it wouldn’t be good for the baby, I probably shouldn’t spend the rest of the afternoon speeding through all those loops and being jarred around every which way,” said Mandross, adding that if her due date weren’t less than a week away, she’d love to keep racing headlong at nearly 70 miles per hour while pulling up to four G’s and experiencing moments of weightlessness until the park closed. “As boring as it sounds, I may take it easy after these next half dozen runs and stick to the rides where you don’t hang upside down—you know, the ones that don’t have a big harness but just a metal bar that clamps down square on your torso. Maybe I’m being paranoid, but becoming a mother means making important sacrifices.” At press time, Mandross was seen exercising a calming prenatal breathing technique at the top of a 227-foot tower drop.
The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Travel In Comfort And Style #~# Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these recommendations, because we couldn’t figure out how.
Nation’s Older Cousins Announce Plans To Whip Butterfly Knives Around In The Woods #~# DELAWARE, OH—Stating that they were tired of their stupid family gathering and wanted to go do something cool, the nation’s older cousins  reportedly announced plans Thursday to whip butterfly knives around in the woods. “Beginning around 3 p.m. EST and extending until it’s dark, we’ll be in the clearing whipping the fuck out of these sweet butterfly knives and throwing them into stumps,” said Tyler Webber, a representative of the nation’s older cousins, adding that they were making the announcement in order to invite the nation’s younger cousins to join if they promised not to be whiny little bitches. “Our packed agenda includes a demonstration where we’ll show off how freakin’ sharp the knife is and discuss all the things that we could cut with the blade, followed by a symposium on sweet butterfly knife tricks we saw on YouTube and would like to attempt ourselves. We will then do several butterfly knife tricks, including but not limited to the wrist pass, the index rollover, and the classic fan flourish. It is going to look super sick. We have also stolen one cigarette from a pack our dad keeps out in the shed, which, if he finds out, he’ll probably slap us but we don’t give a fuck. Our intention is to give the nation’s younger cousins a puff of said cigarette, then make fun of them when they cough. Then we’re going to pretend that we’re going to stab them with the butterfly knife.” At press time, the nation’s older cousins issued an urgent demand to the nation’s younger cousins to run back and call an ambulance because they’d just cut the tip of their finger off with the butterfly knife.
Yankees Attribute Offensive Slump To Terrified Hitters Closing Eyes During Swing #~# NEW YORK—Responding to criticism about the team’s slow start to the 2022 season, New York Yankees manager Aaron Boone  attributed the team’s offensive slump Thursday to terrified hitters closing their eyes during swings. “What reporters and fans have to understand is that the ball comes at our guys very fast, and they’re all really scared,” said Boone, adding that hitting coaches were working with struggling Yankees sluggers Josh Donaldson, Joey Gallo, and Aaron Judge to not be so afraid of the ball. “We know we’ve got some work to do at the plate, but honestly, it’s a miracle we can even get those guys to stay in the batter’s box while the other team’s pitcher is winding up. The other day, we had to practically drag Gleyber [Torres] out there; he’d been hiding under the catcher’s gear and kept saying we couldn’t make him go out there. I understand this is not the offensive output we’d like to see from this team, but eventually they’re going to adjust to how fast the balls go and open their eyes when they swing, and when they do, we know good things will happen.” Yankees officials are reportedly petitioning MLB to allow Boone to enter the field during their most fearful players’ at-bats to hold the bat with them while they swing.
Harvard Pledges $100 Million To Atone For Role In Slavery #~# Harvard University has announced it will spend $100 million to research and atone for its extensive ties with slavery, including plans to identify and support the descendants of enslaved people who labored at the Ivy League campus. What do you think?
Horrific Jan. 6 Texts That You’ll Have To Learn About In Our Forthcoming Tell-All Book #~# Just so you know, everyone featured in our books signed iron-clad NDAs, so if they spill before our book release, our lawyers will absolutely sue them and everyone they’ve ever loved into oblivion. No one, and we mean no one, is breaking this news but us.
Donald Trump Held In Contempt In New York Attorney General Inquiry #~# A New York judge has held Donald Trump in contempt and fined him $10,000 a day, following the former president’s failure to hand over documents to prosecutors investigating his business practices. What do you think?
New Raid Pest Control Kit Fat Shames Ants Into Starving Themselves #~# RACINE, WI—Touting the product’s ability to mentally and physically destroy insects via their deepest insecurities, Raid unveiled a new Confidence Killer pest control kit Thursday that fat shames ants into starving themselves. “With Raid’s new body dysmorphia kit, otherwise beautiful ants will hate their appearance so much that they will do anything to change it,” said brand spokesperson Christina Gordon, adding that the kit included a variety of tools, including dangerous diet supplements and heavily photoshopped images of ants with impossibly thin thoraxes, long antenna, and perfectly shaped mandibles. “While these ants may have perfectly normal weights when they enter the house, Raid will teach them that there are always flab to shed. Soon, the ants will become obsessed with burning calories, restricting eating, and hiding their bodies. They will have zero interest in bringing huge crumbs to their queen. Not that she’d eat the fattening morsels anyway.” At press time, Raid issued a warning not to allow dogs or cats near the kits, and to call a vet immediately if the pets show signs of depression or stop eating.
Most Dangerous Parts Of Attending A Music Festival #~# If you die at a music festival, you die in real life. Here are the most dangerous things concert-goers should watch out for this year.
Man Wonders If Tambourine Player Actually That Happy In Real Life #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Pondering aloud about the performer’s upbeat, cheery nature, local man James Webber, 34, reportedly wondered Wednesday if the tambourine player in the band he was watching was actually that happy in real life. “Look at that huge smile on her face while she just hits that tambourine and taps her foot, you can’t fake that, right?” said Webber, reflecting on his own apparent lack of happiness in comparison to the carefree and jovial nature of the grinning percussionist. “I just don’t have that kind of pep in my step. She seems so compelled by the music, I bet she has a nice family and good, caring friends.”At press time, Webber had determined that no human could ever feel content and the tambourine player’s happiness was all just an act. 
First Conversation With New Coworker Goes Off Like Absolute Shit #~# SARASOTA, FL—Consternation reportedly struck local sales lead Ryan Carlyle Wednesday after his first conversation with a new coworker went off like absolute shit. “Hard to say if I could’ve fucked up what should have been a normal introductory exchange worse than I did,” said Carlyle following a strained three-minute interaction with a new coworker in which he forgot to ask their name, stumbled over a trivial remark about local food options, and made a mean joke about another coworker that the man didn’t seem to understand was a joke. “Christ, I botched that one completely. I went up to him, too, so it wasn’t like he caught me off guard either. It was definitely on me to keep the conversation going, and I just blanked on what the normal questions are for someone you’re meeting for the first time. I should’ve just said a couple things welcoming him to the office, but no, I started talking about my wife getting sick last night, like he wants to hear about that, and then I really shouldn’t have said that thing about our boss. Well, I guess the only option is never speaking to him again.” Carlyle reportedly confided that the worst part about the horrible first conversation with his new coworker is that he would have to tell his Amway regional manager that he botched it with a potential recruit.
Florida Bans Schools From Teaching Anything Besides Misadventures Of Best Friends George Washington And Jesus Christ #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Claiming that the public education system indoctrinated students with liberal rhetoric, Florida lawmakers passed a new bill Tuesday that banned schools from teaching students anything besides the misadventures of the two best friends George Washington and Jesus Christ. “In classrooms across our state, young people have been brainwashed with progressive ideologies, so I am proud to sign this legislation that requires all lessons at every grade level to be about the wacky hijinx of America’s first president and his lifelong pal, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,” said Gov. Ron DeSantis, detailing how subjects such as biology, history, music, art, algebra, and chemistry must now either be stricken from the curriculum or re-tooled to focus on the story of how the Messiah and the Revolutionary War general first teamed up as young boys to found the United States. “We must eradicate liberal myths so we can teach children the real history of our nation, like how Jesus fed loaves and fishes to all of Washington’s troops at Valley Forge so they could defeat the British army. Understanding this friendship is fundamental to understanding America, but thanks to the left’s propaganda, most students these days can’t even tell you that President Washington and Jesus were born on the same night in the manger on Plymouth Rock. With this law, our kids can finally learn how Washington and Christ rode around on dinosaurs with their talking bald eagle sidekick, Jerome.” At press time, Florida had reportedly shifted course, banning all books about Jesus and Washington after it was discovered the men were of different races and must therefore have violated segregation laws.
What To Know About Kevin McCarthy #~# House minority leader Kevin McCarthy, a California Republican, has recently come under fire for his role in allegedly obstructing the investigation of the January 6 Capitol riot. The Onion tells you what you need to know about McCarthy and the current controversy.
Child Who Was Saved From Train Tracks By Angel Kind Of Disappointed It Wasn’t Spider-Man #~# NEW YORK—While expressing appreciation for the last-minute averting of his demise, local 9-year-old Liam Richter told reporters Wednesday that despite being saved from the train tracks by an angel, he was he was still kind of disappointed it wasn’t Spider-Man. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I didn’t get hit by the train, but for a second there I really thought it was Spider-Man saving me instead of some archangel named Gabriel,” said Richter, who said that he had even asked the angel whether he could shoot webs or knew Iron Man, but received no response from the divine emissary, let alone a wisecrack about taking down Doc Ock. “The celestial trumpet and light penetrating the clouds were a kinda cool, I guess. But at the end of the day, he wasn’t in any of the Marvel movies, so I’ll probably just keep quiet when my friends ask about it.” At press time, Richter noted that his favorite part had probably been seeing God’s Kingdom of Heaven, although even that didn’t hold a candle to the Spider-Verse.
Emmanuel Macron Wins Reelection Against Far-Right Candidate #~# French President Emmanuel Macron has won reelection against far-right candidate Marie Le Pen, making Macron the first French president in 20 years to win reelection since Jacque Chirac defeated Le Pen’s father in 2002. What do you think?
Mark Zuckerberg Asks Hawaiian Neighbor To Cut Down Unsightly, Overgrown Rainforest #~# KAUAI, HI—Growing increasingly frustrated by the lack of respect shown to his 1,500-acre estate, Mark Zuckerberg reportedly asked his Hawaiian neighbor this week to cut down the unsightly, overgrown rainforest encroaching his property. “It’s unfair that there’s this gigantic canopy of native trees completely obstructing my beautiful view of the horizon,” said Zuckerberg, adding that the realtor failed to mention that the neighbor had an unkempt biome on their property. “That whole natural habitat over there is a real eyesore. I’ve made several complaints to the HOA about the messy old-growth trees next door, but I haven’t heard a peep, so I finally just had to ask him directly. I don’t mean to be a nag, but the thing is the rainforest doesn’t just block the view—it also attracts a ton of disgusting nuisances like bugs, wild animals, and indigenous people. So hopefully, now that we’ve spoken, they can get it all cleared out by the end of the week.” At press time, a fed-up Zuckerberg was sneaking onto the property in the middle of the night to demolish the neighbor’s loud, obnoxious waterfall that was keeping him awake.
Elon Musk To Buy Twitter For $44 Billion #~# Twitter has accepted billionaire Elon Musk’s offer to buy the social media company and take it private in a $44 billion deal that will put the world’s richest man in charge of one of the world’s most influential social media platforms. What do you think?
Flight Crews React To The End Of Mask Mandates #~# While many Americans were horrified by the FAA’s decision to drop mask mandates, an equal number were overjoyed. The Onion asked several flight crew members how they felt about the change, and this is what they said.
Disney World Fortifies Borders With Armed Characters As Park Announces Plan To Secede From Florida #~# ORLANDO, FL—Announcing that the 25,000-acre resort was now officially a part of the independent and sovereign Reedy Creek Improvement Republic, Disney World was reportedly fortifying its borders with armed characters Monday as the theme park shared its plan to secede from Florida. “Florida can try to dissolve our government all they want, but I assure you, we’re not going anywhere,” said a cast member dressed as Mickey Mouse, who hoisted a Walt Disney World Flag high above Cinderella’s castle as Queen Elsa placed a bandolier around her chest, and Captain Jack Sparrow helped Chip ‘n’ Dale board up and barricade Main Street, U.S.A. in preparation for the long siege ahead. “You’ve left us no other choice, Governor DeSantis. You can take this Magical Kingdom from our cold, dead bodies. We will find glory in death, and as we venture onward to Valhalla, we will revel in the flames of battle knowing we have fought for the freedom of the happiest place on earth.” At press time, over 10,000 reinforcements from Anaheim were en route to the Florida park.
Childless Uncle Announces Plans To Get Third Fucked Up Dog #~# RALEIGH, NC—Emphasizing that he was just looking for a nice pup to give a quiet, loving home, childless uncle Frank Felton reportedly announced his plans Tuesday to get a third incredibly fucked up dog. “Well, I’ve had Ginger here for 14 years, and Coco for 16, so I think whoever I adopt would fit right in,” said Felton, who then showed reporters several applications for potential dogs who were blind, incontinent, arthritic, aggressive, missing an eye, required expensive medications, or only had three legs. “Hell, Ginger only has three teeth left and can’t control her damn bladder. And Coco has some kind of dementia, and bites me every time I try to pet her. Oh! I like the look of that deaf Chihuahua with a skin disease. I think I’ll call her Pippa.” At press time, Felton had already started a $15,000 GoFundMe for the dog, who ate one of his socks and immediately had a seizure.
Domino’s Under Fire For Sharing Pizza Topping Data With Police #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Blasting the move as a “total breach of the public’s trust,” Domino’s came under fire Tuesday after a report revealed the chain had shared pizza topping data with police. “It’s disturbing, and frankly alarming, that Domino’s willingly handed over their customer’s detailed personal cheese, meat, and crust preferences,” said privacy expert Dr. Justin Lam, adding that now that the police had terabytes of highly sensitive pizza, calzone, and flatbread data, they could easily use it to target everyday hungry Americans. “Whether you ordered a Hawaiian Pineapple Pizza, a Pacific Veggie Pizza, or a MeatZZa Feast Pizza, that highly personal information should be yours and yours alone. The last thing we want is for an innocent person to order a pizza and then be arrested for a crime they did not commit.” At press time, Domino’s refused to comment after reports surfaced that their pizza tracker had led to several wrongful convictions.
Real Estate Agent Driven Insane By Endless Possibilities Of Nook #~# PHOENIX—Struggling to truly comprehend the all of the recessed area’s myriad uses, local real estate agent Brenda Estrada was reportedly driven insane Tuesday by the endless possibilities of a nook. “This nook could be anything, I tell you. Anything,” said Estrada, explaining that it could be the perfect place to eat breakfast, descend into the infinite timelines that exist beyond the comprehension of the human mind, or snuggle up with a good book. “This nook has it all! Amazing natural light, room for a small couch, or really anything else you like! I’d pay $200k over the asking price just for the nook. You can even visit your grandmother, who is still alive in the nook; though, she is not like the grandmother you once knew. For if you gaze long into the nook, the nook will also gaze into you. That said, it would be the perfect spot for some succulents!” At press time, Estrada weeped blood as she collapsed at the entrance of the nook, repeating the phrase “It’s beautiful, it’s so damn beautiful.”
Florida Bride, Caterer Arrested For Lacing Wedding Food With Marijuana #~# A Florida bride and caterer have been criminally charged after secretly serving food laced with marijuana to their wedding guests, several of whom complained of feeling drugged and were sent to the hospital. What do you think?
Woman Calls Out Sauce Stain On Her Shirt In Order To Control The Narrative #~# NEWPORT NEWS, VA—Impressing all onlookers with her powerful ability to shape discourse, local woman Ainsley Bishop  reportedly called out a sauce stain on her shirt Tuesday in order to control the narrative. “Yeah, I know I’ve got a stain on my shirt—it’s from lunch,” said Bishop of the ketchup stain on her garment in a masterful display of rhetorical supremacy, following up her empowering call-out with a glib joke about purposely buying the stained shirt that way to prevent anyone else’s potential attempts to wrest control of her story and her truth. “Before you say anything, Pete, I’ll stop you right there—yes, I’m aware that the position of the stain on my shirt makes it look like it’s leaking from my breast, and frankly, if it was, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with that. We are all fallible human beings occupying fragile, often humiliating bodies, and sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes things happen that are out of our control, and yes, sometimes, globs of ketchup fall from a hamburger and stain our shirts, and honestly, I think that’s beautiful.” At press time, Bishop had accused her coworker of whataboutism after recalling that he hadn’t said anything about a male fellow coworker who had spinach stuck in his teeth.
Woman Rescued After Falling Into Outhouse Toilet Trying To Get Phone #~# A woman who was hiking in a national forest in Washington state accidentally dropped her phone into the hole of a vault toilet and fell in while trying to retrieve it, where she was trapped for an hour before being rescued by firefighters. What do you think?
Sycophantic Backup Singers Just Mindlessly Parroting Whatever Lead Singer Says #~# LOS ANGELES—Witnessing what he saw as a gross display of blatantly aggrandizing behavior, local concertgoer Jeff Graham confirmed Monday that the sycophantic backup singers on stage were just mindlessly parroting whatever the lead singer said. “These people are nothing but yes men, echoing anything that guy in the front says without challenging him on any of it,” said Graham of the three performers huddled together behind the lead singer on stage, whom he criticized for not contributing any new or original opinions to the ongoing discussion. “Sometimes he hasn’t even finished his thought before they’re chiming in, and it’s, like, stop, really take in what is being said and think critically about your response before engaging. It’s like their whole job is to stand there and continually hammer home whatever points he spews out. And let’s consider the source—this man is a mess right now, heartbroken, going on and on about drowning his sorrows at a bar. At this point, they’re enabling him. They’re even dressed alike, for crying out loud.” At press time, Graham was overheard shouting out a request for those on stage to read more in order to get a sense of who they are as individuals.
Math Teacher Makes Class Fun By Letting Students Pick Out Spanish Names #~# HUDSON, OH—In an effort to make learning both fun and immersive, local math teacher Carissa Gibbons told reporters Monday that she let students pick out their own Spanish names. “At the beginning of every year, I pass out a list and have the kids pick the new names we’ll use to refer to them in class—they always fight over who gets to be Diego!” said the ninth-grade algebra teacher who described how the students’ faces “lit right up” as they attempted to decide which popular name in Spanish-speaking countries they wanted to use for the remainder of the year. “Algebra can feel a bit dry, so this helps them really engage. Plus, it’s great for perfecting their accents. I’ve gotten some pushback from parents in recent years that the sombrero is inappropriate, but the kids love it.” At press time, Gibbons resumed addressing the math class solely in Spanish.
New Tennessee Law Requires Women To Wait 24 Hours Before Getting A Burger #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Joining a growing number of states imposing waiting period restrictions, Tennessee passed a new law Monday requiring women to wait 24 hours before getting a burger. “Thinking about getting a burger isn’t something anyone should do lightly, and we want women to understand there are consequences,” said Tennessee Gov. Bill Lee (R), whose signature on the bill subjected all women in the state seeking a burger to a 24-hour waiting period before they could receive their order, following a mandatory pre-burger counseling with a doctor. “Under this law, all women seeking a burger will receive a pamphlet from a doctor explaining the immense pain a burger causes. Getting a burger isn’t something you can undo. The waiting period will give women the time they need to decide if the mental and physical agony is worth it.” At press time, critics were questioning the governor’s claim that a majority of women regretted their burgers.
Embarrassed Woman Sneaks Out Of House Morning After Sex With Husband #~# POCATELLO, ID—Wearing the same clothes she had on the day before, local resident Amy Tisdale snuck out of the house Monday morning, reportedly embarrassed following an ill-advised night of sex with her husband Doug Tisdale. “I can’t believe I actually slept with that uggo,” said Tisdale, who added that she had been as quiet as possible while slipping out of bed, finding her clothes, and exiting the room she has shared with her spouse for the past nine years. “I had a few too many drinks last night and made a huge mistake. Now he’s going to get the wrong idea and think it was something more than just a one-time thing. The worst part is that I can feel the neighbors looking at me, like they know I’ve just been with him. Gross. I hope he doesn’t call me.” At press time, reports confirmed Tisdale shuddered after receiving a text from her husband asking what she wanted to do for dinner that night.
Russia Test-Fires New Nuclear-Capable Missile #~# Russia announced that it test-fired a new intercontinental ballistic missile in a move that President Vladimir Putin said would give the U.S. and its allies something to think about as the conflict in Ukraine intensifies. What do you think?
The Best Tourist Attraction In Every State #~# Football National Park: Over 1.5 million acres of wild helmets, balls, and jerseys.
Florida’s Changes To Textbooks And Curriculums #~# The Florida Department of Education made headlines recently when it rejected a number of math textbooks amid rising concerns about school curriculums indoctrinating children with values some parents oppose. The Onion provides a rundown of all the changes Florida schools are making to textbooks and school curriculums.
Florida House Passes Bill Stripping Disney Of Self-Governing Status #~# The Florida state legislature passed a bill seeking to dissolve a special district that allows the Walt Disney Company to act as its own government within the outer limits of Orange and Osceola counties after the company voiced its opposition of the “Don’t Say Gay” law. What do you think?
Struggling AMC Threatens To Clamp Down On Theater Sharing #~# LEAWOOD, KS—Faced with a steep decline in growth over the past few years, struggling cinema chain AMC Entertainment Holdings announced Friday it would clamp down on the practice of theater sharing among its customers. “Due to the mounting economic pressures AMC faces, we can no longer allow multiple people to use the same theater space to watch a movie,” said CEO Adam Aron, who acknowledged that his company had once tolerated theater sharing to gain market share in a competitive industry, but stressed that all such permissiveness would now come to an end. “While rare, there have actually been  extreme instances of 30, 40, sometimes even 50 people in a single theater watching a movie. But from now on, you can’t just come to an AMC location and bring a bunch of friends with you thinking you’re all going to watch the same screening. That just isn’t going to happen anymore.” At press time, AMC employees across the nation were reportedly going through their facilities theater by theater and kicking out all but one person from each.
What Not To Say To Someone Having A Panic Attack #~# Just be patient. You can always dress them down for being weak-willed later. If someone is having a panic attack, never say these things.
Ikea Wardrobe Contains Cheap, Poorly Constructed Fantasy World Inside #~# BEACON, NY—Expressing disappointment in the enchanted kingdom’s shoddy craftsmanship and design, the children of the local Wentworth family told reporters Friday that the Ikea Klädskåp wardrobe they found in their uncle’s country estate contained a cheap, poorly constructed fantasy world inside. “When we first discovered a whole magical realm in Uncle Reynold’s wardrobe, we were astonished, to say the least, but as we got closer to the capital’s castle, we saw that it was made out of really low-quality plywood and had already cracked in a bunch of places,” said eldest daughter Emma Wentworth, adding that her siblings’ excitement at an invitation to meet the Regent Queen Nyblom and her talking leopard had been significantly diminished when the monarch sat down on her  regal throne and it  immediately broke under her weight. “The more we explored, the more it just felt like the whole place was ripped off from higher quality fantasy kingdoms. The winged goblins were all made out of cardboard, so it was hard to get scared of them. Then the lair of the dark sorceress was definitely  missing some pieces, because we could see right into it from outside. Oh, and the book of prophecies they showed us was just a bunch of stupid wordless diagrams about how to save the realm. It was so hard to follow that we eventually just got frustrated and went home.” Wentworth added that the meatballs served at the royal banquet had actually been pretty good, though.
‘The Onion’ Guide To Tipping #~# Knowing whether and how much to tip for a service can be confusing, especially for a cheapskate like you. The Onion provides a comprehensive guide to tipping.
K-Y Introduces New Drowsy Nighttime Lube #~# PARSIPPANY, NJ—Introducing a variation on the brand’s well-known water-based personal lubricant, officials at K-Y announced Friday that their line of sexual enhancement products would be expanded to include a new drowsy nighttime lubricant. “K-Y P.M. is for those looking to bring a little more intimacy—and sleep—into the bedroom,” brand representative Blair Espinoza said of the new lavender-scented sex and sleep aid. “When you’re exhausted, but too horny to fall asleep, use K-Y P.M. so you can have wetter, more intense orgasms followed immediately by a good night’s rest. Just one note of caution: Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while having sex with this lube.” The new product follows last year’s launch of K-Y A.M., a non-drowsy formula that was designed for people who like to be fully alert during sex and has since been discontinued due to poor sales.
Half-Lobster Scientist Just Going To Hope Coworkers Don’t Notice He Had Mishap With CRISPR #~# BERKELEY, CA—Admitting he felt self-conscious following a workplace accident involving the highly experimental gene-editing technology, a local half-lobster scientist told reporters Friday he would just have to hope his coworkers didn’t notice his CRISPR mishap. “The main thing I need to do is make sure I don’t slip up and try to shake someone’s hand, because that would be a dead giveaway,” said University of California, Berkeley, microbiologist Steven Lipstadt, using his gigantic claws to put on a novelty sombrero he had purchased on his lunch break in order to hide the long antennae projecting outward from his head. “Luckily my lab coat covers up quite a bit of my tail, so as long as I stay behind my desk, no one should notice that. Maybe people will see my protruding crimson rostrum and think I just have a cold or something? Ugh. If anyone notices I look a little different today, I’ll tell them I got a haircut. I just hope nobody here has a shellfish allergy.” At press time, Lipstadt was reportedly worried the nighttime cleaning staff would discover the half-human lobster he had been forced to smother with a couch cushion and stuff into a trash can.
Netflix Loses 200,000 Subscribers In First Part Of 2022 #~# Netflix has reported losing subscribers for the first time in more than a decade, citing password sharing and recently suspending its service in Russia for the loss of 200,000 subscriptions. What do you think?
BREAKING: ‘The Onion’ Has Purchased A 0.000000125% Stake In Twitter And Is Demanding A Seat On The Board #~# In an unprecedented move certain to bring the entire tech industry to its knees, The Onion proudly announces this afternoon that it has purchased a 0.000000125% stake in Twitter.
SILENCED: Harrowing Photos From The Onion Office 3 Long Hours Into Our Twitter Ban #~#  Without social media, we turned to snacks. When the snacks dried up, we turned on each other.
Twitter, Enemy Of First Amendment Rights, Permanently Bans The Onion #~# Twitter has permanently banned America’s most prestigious news publication, The Onion, in a huge overreach of power that encroaches on the mass media company’s first amendment rights, which critics are calling the beginning of the end for journalistic freedoms in the U.S. at the hands of brutal social media tyrants. What do you think?
BREAKING: Our Intern Is Being Forced Into A Hunger Strike Until Twitter Lifts Our Ban #~# CHICAGO—In accordance with the fine print in his contract, The Onion’s intern Sam Kotson was forced into a hunger strike Thursday, a protest that will continue until Twitter lifts our ban. “As of this morning, our low-level unpaid intern will be forcibly compelled to forgo all food until Twitter ends its malignant campaign of censorship and reinstates The Onion’s account,” said Onion HR representative Elina Haskett, explaining that Kotson, who had been handcuffed and shackled to a cast iron pipe, would be required to abstain from water in addition to food for the duration of the Twitter ban. “We have used ipecac to induce vomiting, ensuring that the intern starts off from a baseline of no food in his stomach. Soon, that same stomach will begin to digest itself in a desperate attempt to consume something, anything to stave off assured starvation. We hope Twitter does the right thing and revokes the ban on our account before something tragic happens.” At press time, our intern’s fragile life was reportedly in the hands of Twitter’s board of directors.
It’s Been 11 Minutes Since The Onion Was Banned From Twitter. So Why Isn’t The Mainstream Media Covering This? #~# A darkness has fallen upon the Fourth Estate. It is a darkness only seen after a nation’s sole beacon of journalistic truth-telling is snuffed out. One might surmise that such an affront to the First Amendment would warrant an immediate response from lesser news outlet seeking to express solidarity in the fight for freedom of the press. Yet more than 11 minutes have now passed since The Onion was banned from Twitter, and the mainstream media has not issued a single statement in our defense.
BREAKING: The Onion Has Been Permanently Banned From Twitter #~# FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
FDA Investigating Reports Of Illness From Lucky Charms #~# The FDA is investigating breakfast cereal Lucky Charms after receiving more than 100 claims over the last year that the cereal made consumers sick, while an additional 3,000 people have posted complaints about the cereal on the food safety website, iwaspoisoned.com. What do you think?
Judge Approves Effort To Remove Marjorie Taylor Greene From Ballot #~# A judge has ruled the lawsuit challenging Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene’s qualifications to run for reelection can proceed, which alleges that she violated the 14th Amendment by engaging in obstructing the transfer of presidential power. What do you think?
Signs Your Spouse May Be Using You For Money #~# Remember, the entire institution of marriage was designed for financial gain. Here are several signs your spouse might be using you for money.
Blood Spatter Analyst Concludes It’s All The Red Stuff #~# DENVER—As part of an ongoing investigation into a brutal homicide that so far has no clear suspects, an official report released Wednesday by the Denver Police Department’s senior blood spatter analyst concluded that it’s all the red stuff. “After conducting a thorough examination of the crime scene, we were able to determine that the blood was in fact the goopy, bright crimson liquid we found splashed all over the place in there,” said Dr. Gerald R. Watts, the forensic criminologist who performed the bloodstain-pattern analysis, confirming he had more than 25 years of experience locating and correctly identifying the blood in murder cases. “The thing about blood is, it’s usually found inside of a person. So a layperson might reasonably conclude the red drops spattered all over the floor, walls, windows, and ceiling in that room were something else. As a trained professional, though, I had a hunch it was blood. What tipped me off, first and foremost, was the dead body lying nearby. I knew that the stuff sprayed all over the bedroom, in a path leading down the hallway, and even on a firearm discovered at the scene was probably blood from that body. Because nine times out of 10, that’s the way it works.” Watts added that he could not determine what the large pool of red liquid found near the corpse might be, noting that his expertise only enabled him to analyze blood when it had been spattered.
Encouraging Reports Confirm Explosions Near Afghan School Kill Zero Ukrainians #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—With the final casualty figures still being determined, encouraging reports confirmed that multiple devastating explosions outside a large public school in western Kabul Wednesday had not killed any Ukrainian civilians. “We can all breathe a sigh of relief knowing that while the dead are still being counted, zero Ukrainian residents appear to have been harmed in these fatal bombings,” said Secretary of State Antony Blinken, adding that the Pentagon would continue to keep a close watch on the scene of the attacks, in which hospital staff indicated 15 had died and 49 had been wounded, and in which none of the victims had any known ties to the people or culture of Ukraine. “We asked our sources in Afghanistan to assign bodies recovered from the rubble to one of two categories—‘Ukrainian’ or ‘not Ukrainian’—and so far all of the dead and maimed individuals have thankfully fallen into the latter category. We have also issued a formal diplomatic statement requesting that rescue workers prioritize any cries for help spoken in a Slavic language.” Blinken went on to say it was still too early to determine whether this gruesome series of attacks in Afghanistan’s capital was a Russian attempt to assassinate Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky.
Mayonnaise Label Warns Product For External Use Only #~# AMES, IA—Alerting consumers to the potential dangers of ingesting the condiment, a Hellmann’s mayonnaise label reportedly warned Wednesday that the product was for external use only. “Warning: Do not ingest!” read the label in part, explaining that the topical condiment could cause adverse reactions if administered orally or anally. “Mayo may result in irritation to sensitive skin, so test the product on a small patch of the skin before applying. Please contact poison control if mayonnaise is consumed. Wash hands thoroughly after contact.” At press time, the mayonnaise was recalled after the deaths of several children.
Florida Rejects Dozens Of Math Textbooks Over Critical Race Theory #~# Florida’s education department has rejected 54 mathematics textbooks from next year’s school curriculum, with 21% of the books banned for allegedly referencing critical race theory and other prohibited topics. What do you think?
What You Need To Know About ‘Ghost Guns’ #~# The Justice Department announced new legislation to regulate “ghost guns,” which are becoming increasingly prevalent in the U.S. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about ghost guns.
Report: 73% Of America’s Food Waste Traced To Really Messy Toddler #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Wednesday by USDA’s Economic Research Service, 73% of food waste in the United States can be traced back to one really messy toddler. “Our collected data show that almost three quarters of the 60 billion tons of food thrown out every year in this country is due to 2-year-old fussy eater Ella McGeary of Waukesha, WI,” said Anna Bornstein, lead author of the report, explaining that the $160 billion worth of food that goes uneaten in the U.S. was mostly due to one child who immediately overturns every bowl of Cheerios or banana slices she receives throughout the day. “In fact, waste has skyrocketed in the last year and a half since McGeary was introduced to solid foods. The vast majority of applesauce in this country that could have helped feed families in need is instead being flung onto walls after McGeary knocks spoon after spoon out of her mother’s hand, and 16 tons of Goldfish crackers alone are being sent to landfills annually after being swept off the floor around the toddler.” Bornstein added that serving smaller portions and praising McGeary when she is not being messy could cut down on America’s food waste by 30 billion tons per year.
Vengeful José Andrés Seals Screaming Russian Soldiers Into Enormous Empanada #~# KHARKIV, UKRAINE—Exacting swift and merciless retribution for the missile strike on his World Central Kitchen outpost,  celebrity chef José Andrés was reportedly spotted Tuesday enclosing several terrified Russian soldiers within the pastry case of an enormous empanada. “Providing meals to displaced civilians during wartime is a vital humanitarian undertaking, and now you charity-bombing ratas are going to help me feed refugees whether you like it or not!” said the frenzied restaurateur, who cackled as he forcefully shoved handfuls of diced onions and potatoes into the men’s wailing mouths, coldly ignoring their muffled exhortations for forgiveness as they struggled in vain against the sprigs of aromatic parsley binding their wrists and ankles. “What’s wrong? Thought you could destroy my kitchen without becoming a piquant modern twist on a classic Spanish recipe? Cowards. Cry that tablespoon of smoked paprika and half cup of pitted green olives out of your eyes and look at me. Look at me! I want my face to be the last thing you see before I crimp that dough shut in a pleasing scalloped pattern and send you to hell in a 425 degree oven for 30 minutes or until golden-brown.” At press time, Andrés was seen manically plunging a large kitchen knife through the pastry’s top to ensure the Russian soldiers’ screams vented properly.
Federal Judge Overturns CDC Mask Mandate For Planes, Public Transit #~# A federal judge in Florida has voided the national mask mandate covering airplanes and other public transportation as exceeding the authority of U.S. health officials, a ruling that comes a week after the CDC extended the mandate to counter the recent rise in Covid infections. What do you think?
Airlines Announce It Safe To Fly Planes Indoors Again #~# NEW YORK—Responding swiftly after a federal judge struck down the sky mandate, domestic airlines including Delta, United, and Southwest announced Tuesday that it was safe to fly planes indoors again. “Finally, after two long years of strict government regulations, passengers can breathe a sigh of relief knowing they’re once more free to fly indoors,” said Delta CEO Ed Bastian, adding that he had already heard of thousands of customers celebrating the relaxed protocol as their flights smashed through plate glass windows and soared safely through office buildings, warehouses, and shopping malls. “I think we’re at the point where we can trust people’s judgments about whether planes ought to be used indoors or not. Obviously, if it ever seems unsafe to fly inside a supermarket or cathedral, our pilots are free to simply crash out through the roof and navigate around outside again.” Bastian concluded that he was even happier to drop the “frankly nonsensical” federal regulations that forced planes to stay six feet away from each another at all times.
Conservative Parents Explain Why They Are Boycotting Disney #~# After Disney publicly opposed Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill, countless conservatives began to boycott the company. The Onion asked parents how they came to that decision, and this is what they said.
Frustrated CEO Stuck In Dead-End 7-Figure Job #~# NEW  YORK—Bemoaning the lack of opportunities for growth in his current  position, Eakins Analytics CEO Ryan Hammond expressed frustration Tuesday at being stuck in a dead-end seven-figure job. “Honestly, when  I try to picture my future at this place, all I can imagine is spending  decade after decade stalled out earning $1,200 an hour,” said Hammond, stressing that he clearly had no prospects of receiving a raise  given the company’s notoriously stingy record on promotions. “Day in,  day out, just sitting in this corner office with an incredible view of  the Manhattan skyline and the freedom to do virtually anything I want,  whenever I want. Is that really all I can look forward to? God, is this  really the life I wanted for myself?” At press time, the CEO had  reportedly sighed in despair after hearing one of his high school  classmates was pulling in eight figures.
Realtor Suggests Old Victorian House Perfect Place To Murder Family #~# WILMINGTON, NC—Painting a picture of the future the prospective buyers might one day share if they purchased the home, real estate agent Marjorie Krauss reportedly suggested to a couple Tuesday that the old Victorian house she was showing them would be the perfect place to murder a family one day. “You’re both still young, of course, but it may not be too long before you’re ready to want your own family’s blood splattered across these walls,” said Krauss, adding that the long, winding hallways of the Gothic Revival home were great for chasing down one’s terrified spouse or children, who could then have their heads bashed into the original balustrade or be thrown down the ornate front staircase to bleed out in the foyer. “You could also finish the basement, which would give you a lot of extra square footage if you’re planning to have a large family gruesomely killed and dismembered. Just pick out the flooring you want and use it to conceal the remains of those you loved and cherished more than anything in this world before you were mysteriously overtaken by strange, demonic passions and went on a deadly rampage.” Krauss noted that she was obligated to mention the recurring cycle of murders that took place in the home every 13 years, but insisted that it just added to the charm of the place and that the couple could always carry on the old tradition while adding their own flair. 
Health Insurance Plan Only Covers Random Hippopotamus Attacks #~# CHICAGO—Outlining the details of the man’s current policy over the phone Tuesday, a representative explained to local 32-year-old Greg Tarlton that his health insurance plan only covered random hippopotamus attacks. “Your current benefits as a Gold HMO member entitle you to reimbursement for most dental, vision, primary care, mental health, and emergency room expenses incurred as a direct result of injuries sustained during an encounter with a hippo,” said Jen Tisne, a policy advisor for SentiHealth Partners, confirming that Tarlton’s plan included a $10,000 deductible and was limited to in-network providers in the state of Illinois. “In the event you suffer a collapsed lung or broken rib after getting trampled by a hippopotamus that just appears out of absolutely nowhere, we’ll cover up to 95% of your hospital expenses. You’ll also be covered for any rehabilitative services you may require after a fully grown, 2-ton hippo suddenly rounds a corner, chases you down, and clamps down on one or both of your legs with its full bite force. Please note that if our adjuster determines you provoked the attack or were trying to feed the animal some of your protein bar, your claim will be denied.” The representative added that in locations where there are known to be hippopotamuses, such as zoos or the continent of Africa, all coverage is void.
Gymnastics Program Gives Child Self-Discipline Needed To Sustain Lifelong Eating Disorder #~# AURORA, IL—Praising the competitive program for shaping the young girl into the obsessive woman she would one day become, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 10-year-old Sofia Haliday’s after school gymnastics club was giving her the self-discipline needed to sustain an eating disorder for life. “She has a great team of coaches constantly pushing her to get out of her comfort zone and endure not just pain, but even suffering,” said Amy Haliday, the girl’s mother, who boasted that the child was training for 20 hours a week at the elite club giving her a body image that would plague her well into adulthood. “She may be young, but there’s actually no better time to brainwash children into valuing an idealized body type above all else. Even when gymnastics is no longer part of her life, I hope she’ll still be counting every calorie and spending every minute of the day worrying whether there’s more she could be doing to maintain a rail-thin frame.” At press time, the girl’s mother added with pride that she, too, was of course partially responsible.
Prince Harry, Meghan Visit Queen For First Time Since Giving Up Royal Titles #~# Prince Harry and his wife Meghan visited Queen Elizabeth II at Windsor Castle on their first joint visit to the U.K. since they gave up formal royal roles and moved to the U.S. more than two years ago. What do you think?
FDA Authorizes First Covid-19 Breath Test #~# The Food and Drug Administration granted emergency use authorization to the first Covid-19 test that can use breath samples to detect the coronavirus within a few minutes and with a high degree of accuracy. What do you think?
Excuses Employers Use To Not Give You A Raise #~# Money might be fake, but your boss’s reluctance to pay you isn’t. Here are common excuses employers will use to avoid giving you a hard-earned raise.
Company Referral Program Offers Bonuses For Recommending Potential Employees To Fire #~# NEW YORK—Calling it an amazing opportunity to get more involved and earn some extra cash, local company VisionLab reportedly began a referral program Monday that offered bonuses for nominating potential employees to fire. “If you know someone that you’ve worked with and think they would be a great fit, please send us their name, position, and a brief description of why they are bad at their job and should be terminated,” an HR representative wrote in a company-wide email, which added that anyone who successfully referred someone to be dismissed would receive $1,500 on their next paycheck. “As a company, we are always looking for new and exciting people to shitcan, and a recommendation that details their laziness or terrible attitude can really go a long way. Especially if you know of any qualified women or minority candidates, we’d love to hear about their shortcomings or fireable offenses immediately.” At press time, the company also unveiled a monthly achievement award with a bonus given to someone who consistently helped to make the company a much worse place.
Man Shopping For Cheap Sunglasses Troubled By Reviews Calling Sunglasses Cheap #~# SEATTLE—Expressing disappointment in the apparent lack of quality, a local man shopping online for cheap sunglasses Monday reported that he felt troubled by reviews calling the sunglasses he was looking at cheap. “I just wanted to buy some shades for a very, very small amount of money, but every time I find ones I like, there are all these user comments suggesting they’re poorly made,” said 30-year-old consumer Mark Anderson, scrolling through pages of one- and two-star ratings that described a pair of $15 sunglasses he had considered purchasing as “flimsy” and “a piece of sh*t.” “That’s disheartening, because the price sure is right. I see a lot of negative reviews with photos where the sunglasses are missing a lens or snapped in half, and I definitely don’t want to throw away 10 bucks or more on something like that. The weirdest part is that pretty much all the sunglasses in this price range seem to have similar issues.” At press time, sources confirmed Anderson had resolved to pay a little bit more to ensure he got something of higher quality and had purchased a $600 pair of Ray-Bans.
Grandpa Surprisingly Willing To Talk About Man He Killed #~# HERMISTON, OR—As the elderly patriarch spoke of his experiences in the Vietnam War, sources confirmed Monday that Grandpa was surprisingly willing to talk about the man he killed. “Usually war vets will hold it close to the chest and not want to explain anything, but Grandpa Steve was just going on and on matter-of-factly about seeing an enemy soldier and blowing his head off,” said the man’s grandson Ben Legand, adding that his grandfather had been typically quiet all afternoon until a conversation about Asian food apparently gave him enough of an opening to go into great detail about killing a Vietnamese soldier. “He didn’t even mutter ‘War is hell’ or look off into the distance or anything like that. He just explained how he shot the guy in the face at close range. Mom even started saying something about him not having to talk about it if it bothered him, but he just breezed right on through and kept telling us about the day he killed the man who looked to be his own age. The detail he went into was actually pretty graphic, and although it didn’t sound like he enjoyed it, he clearly didn’t seem to regret it. Honestly, I think it’s the longest conversation we’ve ever had.” At press time, increasingly horrified sources added that Grandpa was shockingly willing to talk about the women and children he killed, too.
Kim Gives Luxury Home To North Korea’s Most Famous Newscaster #~# Kim Jong-un has given luxurious new residences to North Korean elites including Ri Chun-hee, the country’s most famous state TV anchor, a move seemingly intended to boost loyalty as the leader grapples with the pandemic and a troubled economy. What do you think?
Deshaun Watson’s Contract Includes Clause Voiding Guaranteed Money In Event Of Injury Sustained During Sexual Assault #~# CLEVELAND, OH—Stressing that the team needed to safeguard their financial interests should their new quarterback miss games, Cleveland Browns officials  confirmed Monday that Deshaun Watson’s contract includes a clause voiding his guaranteed money in the event of an injury sustained during a sexual assault. “Like all NFL contracts, Deshaun’s includes language regarding typical club protections, including our right to withhold payments should he miss game time due to hurting himself by engaging in a potentially hazardous activity, like basketball, skydiving, or forcibly abusing someone,” said Browns general manager Andrew Berry, adding that the team didn’t want to be on the hook for Watson’s $230 million salary if he breaks his hand punching a woman. “We’re excited to have a player of Deshaun’s caliber leading our football team, but we also need our players to put the team first, and refrain from participating in any off-the-field activities that carry risks, like riding a motorcycle or restraining a massage therapist. What if he experiences a head or eye injury because he’s locked a woman inside a room and is holding her down and she injures him trying to flee? What if he strains his groin trying to force a woman’s hand to touch his penis? That’s something that we as the Cleveland Browns organization need to protect ourselves from. We understand that players have lives and aren’t going to stop doing everything they want, but they need to know that these activities can carry financial consequences.” When reached for comment, Watson’s agent, David Mulugheta, said that he strongly advised his client against landing in hot water with the team by posting any Instagram pictures of himself skiing, riding a moped, or committing sexual assault.
Report: 17% Of Easter Egg Hunts End In Child Setting Off Landmine #~# BOSTON—Warning parents to be on the lookout for unexploded ordinance during the traditional springtime festivity, a report released Sunday by researchers at Northeastern University found that 17% of all Easter egg hunts end with a child setting off a landmine. “Our survey concluded that a young child was blown up after tripping a mine on approximately 1 in 6 occasions in which an outdoor search for eggs, candy, or other treats was held to celebrate Easter Sunday,” said report co-author Brenda Daubert, who added that the majority of detonations occurred when a child clutching a brightly colored woven basket exclaimed, “I found one! I found one!” after leaving the beaten path and stumbling upon a location no one had searched yet. “What many see as an innocent part of the feast commemorating the resurrection of Christ is often unceremoniously cut short when children erupt into a cloud of blood, viscera, and plastic egg shards. It’s not just landmines, either. Live grenades are often mistaken for eggs by unsuspecting kids. Because of that, we strongly recommend parents avoid minefields when deciding on a location for their Easter gatherings.” Daubert added that the probability rises from 17% to 100% when the Easter egg hunt is held in Laos.
GOP Withdraws From Presidential Debate Panel #~# The Republican National Committee voted to withdraw from the commission responsible for organizing presidential debates, taking cues from former President Trump, who has repeatedly leveled accusations of anti-Republican bias against the group. What do you think?
Dianne Feinstein Argues She Still Perfectly Mentally Fit To Continue Captaining Submarine #~# WASHINGTON—Defending  her performance against recent reports of cognitive decline, senior  United States senator Dianne Feinstein argued Friday that she was still  perfectly mentally fit to continue captaining the submarine. “If my fish colleagues have any doubts about my ability to damn the torpedoes or up  the periscope, they simply haven’t told me,” said Feinstein, who  admitted that she had briefly forgotten her first lieutenant’s name  during a meeting at his battle station before blaming it on stress  related to enemy ships rapidly pinging on radar. “Until I hear a  compelling reason why I should step down as captain of this ship, I’m  afraid I’ll just have to chock up these rumors to a mutiny brewing among  my crew.” Feinstein declined to discuss her retirement, stressing that  even if the submarine should spring a leak, she was prepared to go down  with the ship.
‘I’ll Tell You When I’ve Had Enough,’ Says Pete Buttigieg, Blowing Off Steam With Another Round Through Car Wash #~# WASHINGTON—Unwinding after a particularly stressful day as U.S. Transportation Secretary, Pete Buttigieg was reportedly overheard Friday telling a resistant proprietor, “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough,” while trying to blow off steam with another round through a car wash. “Look, I’ll stop when I’m good and ready, but it won’t be because some bozo in a jumpsuit cuts me off—I’m the head of the goddamn Department of Transportation, after all,” said the former mayor of South Bend, IN, his pupils dilating and his words beginning to slur as he threw cash in the attendant’s face and instructed him to “leave it open.” “Better make this next one a deluxe wash, and don’t skimp on the suds this time. Hoo doggy, that’s what I’m talking about! That hot wax will put some hair on your chest! Let me get one more undercarriage flush for the road. Better yet, let me buy a wash for everybody.” At press time, sources confirmed Buttigieg had been thrown out of the establishment after trying to start a fight with one of the large rotating brushes.
The History Of The NYPD #~# The New York City Police Department, the largest and most highly funded police force in the United States, has come under scrutiny after failing to apprehend a shooter in a crowded Brooklyn subway station. The Onion looks at the biggest controversies and most high-octane moments in the NYPD’s nearly 200-year history.
Cleveland Guardians Criticized For Stereotypical Depictions Of Art Deco Community #~# CLEVELAND—Amid a wider push for sports teams to stop using offensive mascots and imagery for their teams, the Cleveland Guardians have reportedly been at the center of criticism this week for stereotypical depictions of the art deco community. “This is 2022, and if you’re still appropriating art deco culture for your baseball mascot, something is seriously wrong with you,” said Ilsa Dwyer, a curator at the Art Institute of Chicago and an expert in the art deco movement, slamming the Guardians for the use of classic art deco motifs like blocky geometric lettering and angular parallel lines in their logo. “Our culture is not your costume. It hurts those who have spent their lives steeped in art deco traditions to turn on the television and see ignorant fans in the stands dressed up as Guardians. They don’t know the first thing about art deco’s history or the persecution that the movement faced at the hands of modernism.” The Guardians have not been the only sports team criticized for their choice of mascot, with the NFL’s Washington Commanders also meeting widespread condemnation for appropriating military culture.
Most Common Cause Of Death In Every State #~# Fraternity hazing: We swear he was dead when he got here, officer.
God Who Took Form Of Swan Finding It Much Harder To Seduce Women Than Expected #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Expressing confusion over his seeming inability to garner much sexual interest, the god Zeus, mightiest of all who dwell on Mount Olympus, confided to reporters Friday that despite having taken the form of a beautiful swan, he was finding it very difficult to seduce women. “I kind of just assumed that when I descended from the clouds with this long, graceful neck and these beautiful feathers, mortal women would start throwing themselves at me, but that didn’t happen at all,” said the thunderbolt-wielding lord of the sky, explaining that while he had fluttered and flapped his plumage in an attractive display, dozens of human females had nonetheless passed him by without a second glance, never once removing their clothes or begging to have sex with him. “Hey, ladies, check out my courtship dance—it’s exquisite! I transformed from a Greek god into a majestic swan just for you! Come on, what gives? I oughta be up to my neck in pussy right now. I just don’t get it.” According to reports, Zeus continued his attempts at seduction and was later heard emitting a startled honk when he was mounted by an aggressive Canada goose.
Thank God I Live In New Jersey #~# Last year, I made the bold choice to run for mayor of New York City. While I ultimately won the race by a landslide, many people spread vicious rumors about my family and me, one of which was that I lived part time in New Jersey.So, let me finally put those rumors to rest once and for all: I definitely do live in New Jersey. And thank God I do! New York City is fucking insane. Seriously, I just don’t understand how you all do it.It’s not that I don’t love New York City as a place, but I sure as hell am not going to live there 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. I genuinely do enjoy visiting the city for work or for pleasure, but as your mayor, let me assure you, the last thing I’d ever want to do is waste all of my precious time and money there.Some people will say New York City is the greatest city on Earth. And to them, I say, they’re right! But everything in moderation. There’s just so much disgusting garbage, dusty construction, and loud-ass honking. Ew. God. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.Yes, you get exciting things like Broadway, five-star restaurants, and an absolutely breathtaking  skyline, but for what? Let me tell you, I’d pick my clean, safe, New Jersey house any day of the week. No contest. Case closed. Done. Finito.The truth is, I’m not 18 anymore. Maybe it was fun to live in a place like New York City when I was younger, but as your mayor, I’ll be the first to tell you that the excitement of the hustle and bustle really loses its charm. Just wait until you’re my age. You’ll see!Riddle me this. Why would I want to live in some crappy one-bedroom, $1 million  shoe box in New York City? For that price, why would you not just take a quick, easy, and clean train across the river and buy yourself a gorgeous mansion? It’s one hour away! Just one hour! That’s nothing!Plus, the people! Everyone is so goddamn mean in New York City. And I should know. I talked to those assholes a lot before they elected me.Seriously, as the mayor of New York City, you couldn’t pay me enough to live here. Not only is it dirty, but it’s just plain unsafe. The place is filthy, and crime is out of control! No way I’m walking around on my own at night, or going on the subway and getting mugged or shot.
Woman Admits To Faking 2016 Kidnapping #~# Sherri Papini, a California mother charged with lying about a 2016 abduction that set off a nationwide search, admitted that her story about being kidnapped was fake, saying that she would spend the rest of her life trying to make amends. What do you think?
What To Say If Your Child Asks If You’re Rich #~# Talking about money can be difficult for many families, which is why we recommend paying someone to do it for you. Here’s what to say if your child asks if you’re rich.
Finland, Sweden Evaluating NATO Membership With Free One-Day Guest Pass #~# BRUSSELS—Testing the waters before committing to a more permanent status within the group, Finland and Sweden confirmed Thursday they were evaluating their possible membership in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization with a complimentary one-day guest pass. “It’s nice to get a taste of what it’s like to have the full military backing of the Western Alliance, even if it’s just for a day,” said Finnish prime minister Sanna Marin, who, along with Swedish prime minister Magdalena Andersson, expressed appreciation for the opportunity to experience NATO’s mutual-assistance treaty before making a commitment to devote 2% of her nation’s gross domestic product to military expenditures. “The day pass is only good for one session with a personal military trainer, which kind of sucks. But NATO is committed to repelling any invasion that occurs during the 24-hour trial period, so that’s cool. I’d probably feel a bit self-conscious being in a collective defense pact with all these big, strong military powers, but if Iceland and Luxembourg aren’t intimidated, I guess we shouldn’t be, either.” At press time, Marin and Andersson both reported feeling insecure about having to walk around NATO headquarters with large stickers on their shirts that said “Guest.”
Experts Recommend All Children Over 8 Be Screened For Anxiety #~# A leading panel of experts recommended for the first time that all children ages 8 to 18 should be screened for anxiety, prompted by the worsening state of mental health among children particularly during the pandemic. What do you think?
Dad Shredding Old Junk Mail With Intensity Of Watergate 7 #~# PIGEON FORGE, TN—Watching the man feed page after page into the machine, family sources confirmed Thursday that local father Jay Farley  was shredding old junk mail with the intensity of the Watergate Seven. As the sweat beaded on his brow and his face took on a determined expression  reminiscent of a Nixon White House advisor masterminding a cover up of federal crimes, Farley is said to have methodically destroyed every piece of mail that could give away any part of his identity. For a period of at least 30 minutes, the father of three was reportedly hidden away in his home office shredding all the takeout menus, credit card offers, and store coupons with the same frantic energy of a group of Nixon campaign aides performing an array of clandestine, illegal activities. Sources added that Farley even used a Sharpie to painstakingly black out his name and address from the covers of magazines too big to fit through the shredder as if he were erasing 18 and a half minutes of incriminating evidence. At press time, reports indicated that Farley had asked his son to act as his G. Gordon Liddy by taking the bags of documents to a disposal site.
Climate Report Finds Antarctica Could Support Multiple Golf Courses By 2050 #~# GENEVA—In the group’s latest effort to assess the impacts of the planet’s rising temperature, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change issued a report Thursday that concluded Antarctica could support multiple golf courses as soon as 2050. “We have every reason to believe the emergence of vast green expanses and lush rolling dunes may soon result in the development of 18-hole courses near the South Pole,” the report read in part, adding that global warming could cause the formation of fairways, sand traps, and water hazards, which would ultimately lead to par-72 courses capable of hosting charity hole-in-one contests and even PGA tour events. “Research suggests that by 2030, we may start to see putting greens and driving ranges appearing in the habitats of  penguins and seals, both of which are likely to go extinct. This will be followed by invasive golf carts moving in and making it possible for the first members-only clubhouses to gain a foothold on the continent.” The report went on to note that unlike most consequences of climate change, this outcome was likely to have a disproportionately large impact on white people.
Man Endures Crippling Agony Of Proper Posture #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Clenching his teeth and breathing heavily as he begged for mercy, local man Ken Yang told reporters Thursday that he could barely endure the crippling agony of proper posture. “Oh my God, it hurts so much, there’s no way the human body is meant to hold this position for so long,” said Yang, who winced and held back tears as he held his shoulders back, sat up straight, and mustered all his physical and mental strength to keep his spinal column in line. “Seriously, how do people do this? Every muscle and bone in my back feels like it’s on fire right now. I actually think this might be considered torture. Ow, ow, I think my neck just gave out.” At press time, Yang could not be reached for comment, as he’d fainted and his spine had returned to its natural position of being hunched at a 45-degree angle.
Psychotic Break Really Helping Man Come Out Of Shell #~# CHICAGO—Lauding the man for at last overcoming his inhibitions and opening up, sources confirmed Thursday that 36-year-old Gregory Ross’s psychotic break was really helping the former introvert come out of his shell. “He used to be a quiet guy, pretty much always kept to himself, but ever since he lost his fucking mind, Greg’s social anxiety basically cleared up,” said an anonymous source, who stated that Ross had begun meeting a ton of new people lately simply by screaming at the top of his lungs and sprinting through the street naked. “The new Greg is awesome. He used to never talk to strangers, but the other day I saw him bite a guy. Usually, I can barely get a hello out of him, but now he’s always going on and on about war bonds from Woodrow Wilson and what it’s like being Jesus.” At press time, a circle of coworkers at a party were cracking up and slapping Ross on the back after he announced that he was going to kill them all. 
Missing Charles Darwin Notebooks Returned With Mysterious Note #~# A set of rare notebooks filled with notes by Charles Darwin have been anonymously returned to the University of Cambridge, over 20 years after they were initially reported missing, with a note reading “Librarian, Happy Easter X”. What do you think?
Nation Tells Starving Afghanis To Just Shut Up #~# WASHINGTON—Rolling their eyes as requests for food and aid continued to pour in from the famine-ravaged nation, the U.S. populace reportedly told starving Afghani civilians Wednesday to just shut up, because Americans no longer cared about them and enough was enough already. “Ugh, first you’re whining about how you want food, and now you’re droning on and on about permanent economic collapse—give it a fucking rest, okay?” said 48-year-old Massachusetts resident Barry Kingston, who echoed the exact sentiment of all 330 million U.S. residents when he explained that he had moved on from thinking about the 20-year occupation and maybe it was time for Afghanistan to do the same thing. “We’re focused on other stuff now, and we’re frankly sick of your nonstop blah, blah, blah about how you’re being brutally oppressed by a violent regime. Can’t you understand  we don’t give a shit anymore? Some countries would have taken a hint by now, but no, not Afghanistan!” The American people went on to remark that it was as if Afghanis didn’t realize there was now an actual European country suffering from widespread atrocities.
Craziest Moments In ‘Hot Ones’ History #~# YouTube talk show Hot Ones features host Sean Evans interviewing celebrities over a plate of increasingly spicy hot wings, resulting in some wild and heated moments. The Onion looks at the craziest moments across Hot Ones’ seventeen seasons.
Supreme Court IT Guy Walks Ketanji Brown Jackson Through Logging Into Gavel #~# WASHINGTON—Assisting the recently confirmed nominee in the final steps of her onboarding Wednesday, the Supreme Court IT guy reportedly walked soon-to-be Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson through the process of logging into her new gavel. “We require two-factor authentication to issue a majority, concurring, or dissenting opinion, and you will have to update your password every 120 days,” said the official IT supervisor of the highest court in the land, asking Jackson to log into the device in order to enter her personal gavel portal, where she would be able to access the court’s docket, vote on petitions for review, and upload her direct deposit form. “Please be aware this is a work gavel, so don’t use it to issue any judgments outside the Supreme Court, even if you’re just hearing oral arguments between two friends. And for security purposes, please, please remember to gavel out at the end of each session. We don’t want an unauthorized person taking justice into their own hands.” According to sources, the IT guy went on to remark that Jackson was lucky to have one of the newer gavels, noting that Justice Samuel Alito was stuck with an old model that wasn’t even wireless. 
Boris Johnson Fined By U.K. Police For Lockdown Parties #~# London’s Metropolitan Police have issued a fine against Prime Minister Boris Johnson following national outrage over lockdown parties held at government offices during the height of the pandemic when the country was under strict stay-at-home orders. What do you think?
Jack White Gets Married Onstage After Surprise Proposal #~# Guitarist Jack White surprised fans by proposing to and marrying fellow musician Olivia Jean live onstage during a Detroit homecoming show. What do you think?
Birthday Post Way Too Sentimental For Friend To Not Be Dead #~# BAKERSFIELD, CA—Expressing confusion at the earnestness of the deeply emotional caption, sources reported Wednesday that an Instagram post commemorating the birthday of a user’s friend was way too sentimental for the friend not to be dead. “This is a long, long paragraph, and there isn’t a hint of sarcasm or even a lighthearted joke—yeah, there’s no way this person’s still alive,” said local Instagram user Alex O’Shaughnessy, who noted that the user’s post only contained old pictures of the friend from high school and college, suggesting that it might not have been possible to take any after that time. “There’s also nothing in there about a birthday party or going out to celebrate. It says, ‘I always think about you this time of year,’ and describes the friend as ‘a special light in this world’—which I suppose could go either way, but those definitely sound more like things you say about someone posthumously. Yeah, they’ve gotta be dead.” Later, upon discovering the post ended with a GoFundMe link to help pay for desperately needed cancer treatment, sources confirmed the friend wasn’t actually dead yet.  
Zoomers Discuss What They Would Do In A Military Draft #~# While the Russia–Ukraine war continues to rage overseas, many Americans have expressed concern that the U.S. could reinstate a national draft. We asked several members of Gen Z what they would do in the event they were forced to serve, and this is what they said.
‘That’s Going To Be So Good Later,’ Says Woman Smashing Foil Into Ball Around Wet Tortilla Edge, Single Remaining Bean #~# SAN DIEGO—Stopping herself from finishing the entire burrito in one sitting, local resident Danielle Gerardo was overheard Wednesday saying, “That’s going to be so good later,” as she smashed the foil wrapping into a tight ball around a nibbled, wet tortilla edge and the single remaining bean. “I’ll definitely be thanking myself for saving this when I’m hungry again in a few hours,” said Gerardo, figuring she could likely even stretch the leftovers into two or three more meals. “Thank goodness for self-restraint. That hard edge of the tortilla riddled with teeth marks and covered in mysterious burrito liquid always tastes so much better the next day, especially when it has a chance to stew in the air of the refrigerator and get nice and stale. I can’t wait to eat it for lunch tomorrow and be thoroughly fulfilled. Ooh, it would probably go so good with the gnawed-on pizza crusts I still have in the freezer.” Gerardo expressed relief that she’d had the foresight to save the salsa caked into the crevices of the small plastic lid.
Russia Taps New General To Oversee Ukraine Invasion #~# U.S. officials confirmed that General Aleksandr V. Dvornikov, who has been accused of committing war crimes in Syria, will now lead Russian forces in Ukraine, which up until now had no central war commander. What do you think?
Confused Russian Soldier Was Told Ukrainians Would Be Happy To Be Summarily Executed In Street #~# KYIV, UKRAINE—Noting the strange discrepancy between reality and his expectations, local Russian soldier Aleksander Kozlov was reportedly confused Tuesday after being told Ukrainians would be happy to be summarily executed in the street. “I’m just a little taken aback, because we were told that the Ukrainian people would be jumping for joy to be massacred,” said Kozlov, just one of many soldiers in his unit who was struggling with low morale following the Ukrainian people’s thus far lukewarm reactions to being tied up and shot execution-style in the head. “Our general said the second we arrived the people would come flooding into the streets cheering and crying, ‘Shoot me! Shoot me!’  I would get it if maybe the men weren’t super thrilled, but you would think at least the women and children would be excited to watch their families get killed before their very eyes. If they do like it, they have an odd way of showing it.” At press time, Kozlov added that he was still holding out hope the Ukrainians would start expressing gratitude once Russian started dropping nuclear bombs. 
‘She’s Going To Regret All Those Once She Gets Older,’ Says Man Watching Tattooed Woman Push Stroller Of Kids #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Shaking his head and sighing at the heavily tattooed woman across the park, local 51-year-old Michael Wagner reportedly stated “She’s going to regret all those once she gets older” Tuesday while gesturing at her kids. “Even now, most of them are pretty ugly—just think how bad they’re going to look in 20 years,” said Wagner, who cast a judgmental gaze at the “tacky” and “pointless” children in the stroller as he speculated on what could have possibly driven the woman to make such an irreversible and reckless mistake. “It’s something you do when you’re young and stupid, but you pay for it later. Just because they seem cool now doesn’t mean she’ll still like them in a few years. You can tell she used to be very beautiful, too, but not with all of those. Yuck. I guess she must have been super drunk. How can she even get a job with all those?” At press time, Wagner added that while there were ways to get rid of them, he knew from experience how expensive that could be.
Revlon Releases New Line Of Concealer Pins To Blind Self From Own Hideousness #~# NEW YORK—Touting the product’s ability to erase pesky skin imperfections, blemishes, and discolorations, cosmetics giant Revlon announced Tuesday that it had released a new line of concealer pins designed to instantly blind users from their own hideous forms. “With this revolutionary new beauty treatment, all customers need to do is grasp the pin, stick it deep into each eye, and then wait until their vision blurs and totally disappears,” said Revlon spokesperson Jenna Tikkus, adding that during trials, participants felt more confident and beautiful within 30 minutes of no longer being able to gaze upon their disgusting, disfigured faces. “Say goodbye to wrinkles, bags, and sun damage, because with Revlon’s patented retina-puncturing formula, you’ll never have to gaze upon your repulsive, vomit-inducing features ever again. Once the blood is gone and your eyes have healed, the only thing you’ll see is sweet, beautiful darkness.” At press time, Revlon announced it had also released a series of stylish eye patches for customers to wear while they wandered the desolate plain of darkness for the rest of their existence.
Celebrities Explain How Being Canceled Changed Them #~# Celebrities’ lives may seem perfect, but like anyone else, their actions have consequences. The Onion asked Hollywood’s biggest stars how being canceled changed them, and this is what they said.
Mobster Excited For Surprise Trip To Secluded Lake With His 3 Best Buds #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—As he remarked upon how great it felt to forget all his worries and just have some time to relax, a local mobster reported Tuesday that he was excited for his sudden surprise trip to a secluded lake with his three best buds. “How nice is it for these guys to swing by my house at 2 in the morning and take me away on a little fishing vacation?” said Salvatore “Legs” Mancini of the Kansas City Mafia, climbing into a full-size sedan with out-of-state plates while three of his longtime associates made uncharacteristically stilted small talk and avoided eye contact. “Seriously, we never do stuff like this! Work’s been pretty rough lately, so I deserve it, you know? Man, I can’t wait to get out on the water. I’m gonna log as much lake time as possible on this trip.”  Though it seemed a little cold for it, Mancini added that he had brought along his trunks, because his three buds had hinted that he might be going for a swim. 
Insane Man Makes It Through Another Day Without Anyone Catching On #~# TACOMA, WA—Sighing with relief as he arrived home to his empty apartment, local insane man Mitchell Forrester confirmed Friday that he had made it through another day without anyone catching on. “I spent all day alternating between muttering to myself and bursting into loud fits of nervous laughter, and somehow no one’s the wiser—maybe it helped that they were wearing headphones?” said Forrester, who stated that he was “honestly astonished” that not a single one of his coworkers, friends, family members, or even any of the passersby on the street seemed to register or react to his full descent into madness. “I keep thinking today’s the day someone notices, today’s the day I’m institutionalized, but nope. I shit myself at my desk at 2:30 and pulled out a tooth, and none of my coworkers even looked up. I just keep flying under the radar somehow. I guess it’s really true that people are too busy worrying about themselves to notice the blood running from your mouth.” At press time, Forrester was punching himself in the head while his girlfriend asked how his day was.
Mattel Releases First Carbon-Neutral Toys #~# ​​Mattel has released its first-ever carbon-neutral toys, starting with Mega Bloks Green Town for preschoolers, as part of an effort to use 100% recycled, recyclable, or bio-based plastic materials in all its products and packaging by 2030. What do you think?
Mom Wants To Vacation Somewhere She Can Wear A Hat #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Calling her vision “the ideal trip,” local mother Misty Fulwider confirmed Tuesday that she wanted to vacation somewhere she could wear a hat. “Some place I can just put on a big, floppy hat that keeps the sun out of my eyes—now that’s my kind of vacation,” said Fulwider, who had a faraway look in her eyes as she called upon the rest of her family to consider visiting a place where she could pair the hat with a linen tunic or “something flowy.” “It doesn’t even have to be the beach, just somewhere sunny I can enjoy my new hat. It’s just so gloomy here, I haven’t had a good chance to wear it yet. And what would really be the cherry on top is if I could buy another hat there.” At press time, the rest of the family had settled on Six Flags.
U.N. Suspends Russia From Human Rights Council #~# The United Nations General Assembly voted to suspend Russia from the U.N. Human Rights Council, with 93 countries in favor, 24 against, and 58 abstentions, after high-profile allegations were made of atrocities committed by Russian soldiers during the war in Ukraine. What do you think?
Most Dangerous Mental Health Trends On TikTok #~# Mental health influencers may seem as if they have all the answers, but the truth is, they’re just as depressed and stupid as you are. If you’re on TikTok, do everything you can to avoid these dangerous mental health trends.
Man Drinking Beer At 7:30 A.M. On Bus May Be Onto Something #~# CHICAGO—Saying they felt inspired by the resourcefulness and ingenuity of a fellow commuter, onlookers reported Monday that a man drinking beer at 7:30 a.m. on a city bus might be onto something. “Here’s a person who, by all appearances, has absolutely no anxiety about tackling the day,” said bus rider Alex Darvey, adding that he took the number-8 Halsted route to work every morning and had rarely seen anyone have as much fun as the man openly taking sips from a 24-ounce can of Steel Reserve. “Honestly, he seems to be the only person enjoying this bus ride. I don’t know if he’s heading into work or what, but from the looks of things, this guy isn’t suffering from any of the stress or boredom I feel during my commute. Maybe all I’ve needed all this time is a little something to take the edge off. And look, he’s even managing to catch a quick nap!” At press time, Darvey was seen picking up a cream-cheese bagel and a bottle of vodka on his way into the office.
Financial Advisor Recommends Fraud #~# TOMS RIVER, NJ—After going over various options with a new client, local financial advisor Gary O’Malley reportedly recommended fraud this week. “If you want a secure financial future for yourself and your family, I can’t recommend anything more than fraud,” said O’Malley, who then went over the different avenues of fraud available to his client, recommending he diversify his portfolio to include securities fraud, tax fraud, and embezzlement. “I don’t recommend fraud to everyone, because if you don’t have a good chunk of change to invest in it from the beginning, it can become a big hassle. But once you’re all set up, it’s the best long-term way to ensure that your money keeps making money. You just get a nice fraudulent scheme set up, and you’ll be able to continue earning passive income from it for the rest of your life. There are some government subsidies you shouldn’t be able to apply for but absolutely can, if you tweak the details a little bit. I’ll get you the information on those. And you know you can trust it, because it’s what I do with my own business. Don’t you ever want to retire? Try fraud.” O’Malley ended the meeting by telling his client that he was lucky he came to see him and not some two-bit financial advisor who would try to convince him to do something completely legal. 
Supreme Court Agrees To Hear The Case Of The Haunted Harbor #~# WASHINGTON—Dimming the lights and lighting candles before oral arguments started, the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly agreed Monday to hear the Case of the Haunted Harbor. “What happened down at the docks that grim October night has important implications for how this nation addresses mysterious happenings and events that defy ordinary explanation,” the court stated in a writ of certiorari ordering the First Circuit Court of Appeals to turn over all of the materials it had relating to the unexplained sightings of spectral presences down at the quay on a still, moonlit night. “This is a chilling tale of eerie precedent and peculiar legal maneuvering. What happened there in that desolate harbor? We know what the Federalist Papers have to say about a ship long believed sunk appearing in the distance with its lights on and sounds coming from it, yet when it is boarded the next morning the vessel looks like no one has set foot on it for decades. Still, ambiguities remain about the legal framework for addressing a shadow of a ghostly presence seen in a mirror that put an old fisherman into cardiac arrest from the shock. The outcome of the Haunted Harbor case not only has the potential to affect millions of Americans, both living and dead, but it could potentially call into question the previous ruling over the Case of the Missing Lighthouse.” At press time, Justices Neil Gorsuch and Elena Kagan had both recused themselves from hearing the Case of the Haunted Harbor because it sounded way too spooky.
Parents Ask If Son Wouldn’t Mind Stopping By To Fix Gaping Void In Their Lives #~# WATERBURY, CT—Saying they were completely hopeless when it came to such things, James and Phyllis Burgauer told reporters Monday that they asked their son, Lance, if he wouldn’t mind stopping by to fix the gaping void in their lives. “It would be a huge favor to us if he could just pop over after work and try to mend the enormous black hole that fills our existence,” said Phyllis Burgauer, explaining that Lance was always so good at patching the ever-growing cavernous abyss of discontent and lack of purpose that gnaws at their every thought, so it would be incredibly appreciated if he had time to help them out. “I know he keeps showing us how to do it, but we’re just not as capable on our own. His dad has tried several times, but he always ends up making the empty chasm wider.” She added that they thought about calling a professional to fix the problem, but they just didn’t want to spend the money, and besides, that was why they had a child in the first place.
Bored Kamala Harris Doodles Cartoon Of Refugee Being Thrown Out Of Airplane In Margin Of Notes #~# WASHINGTON—As she absentmindedly sketched in the margin of her notes during a national security meeting Monday, a bored Kamala Harris was seen doodling a cartoon of a refugee who had been thrown out of an airplane, with the word “Noooooo!” appearing in a speech balloon near the plummeting individual’s mouth. According to White House sources, the vice president’s extensive series of drawings consisted of vignettes in which the refugee was thrown out the cargo door of a 747, catapulted into a brick border wall, and set on fire by Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents, who were uniformly depicted with arched eyebrows to indicate they were very angry. Reports confirmed that Harris completely tuned out the briefing on the threat of Russian cyberattacks as she added detailed blood and viscera to an image of a Haitian asylum seeker who been dropped into shark-infested waters off the Gulf Coast. At press time, the vice president had reportedly submitted the drawings to some of her favorite publications in the hopes being able to quit her job and pursue cartooning full-time.
Pundits Warn Midterms Could Spell Doom For Democrats After Beto O’Rourke Announces Candidacy In Every Race In Country #~# WASHINGTON—Calling a catastrophic midterm outcome  “all but certain” for Democrats, political pundits were sounding the alarm Friday after Beto O’Rourke announced his candidacy in every race in the country. “Beto is a very vulnerable candidate, and if he can’t pull these elections off, everything from the U.S. Senate to the county auditors in Iowa to the school boards in Oregon will fall into Republican hands,” said podcast host Ezra Klein of The New York Times, whose dire warning was echoed by analysts across numerous news outlets who expressed concern that Democrats would lose power if the former Texas congressman’s thousands of campaigns were to fail. “Voters across the country are already feeling very disillusioned by Beto. If he does lose all of the midterms, it could be decades before we finally see him elected to every office in the nation.” At press time, pundits were reportedly shocked after polls found O’Rourke leading in every race.
Man In Germany Gets 90 Covid Vaccine Shots To Sell Forged Passes #~# A 60-year-old man in Germany was caught after allegedly being vaccinated for Covid as many as 90 times in order to obtain vaccination cards with real batch numbers and sell them to people who did not want to receive the immunization themselves. What do you think?
Wind Energy Company Pleads Guilty After Killing 150 Bald Eagles #~# Wind farm operator ESI Energy has been sentenced to probation and ordered to pay more than $8 million in fines and restitution for at least 150 eagles that were killed by its turbine blades over the past decade. What do you think?
Lord Of Darkness Feeling Burnt Out By Repetitive Cycle Of Rising To Power, Being Defeated By Chosen One, Rising Again #~# THREE SEAS KINGDOM—Discouraged by his seeming lack of progress, the Lord of Darkness confirmed Friday that he was feeling burnt out by the repetitive cycle of rising to power, being defeated by the Chosen One, and rising again. “I mean, yeah, the entire land is blanketed in evil now, but how long until another prophecy comes out and I’m back to square one, attempting to rise from the ashes in some backwater black bog?” said the 708-year-old ancient sorcerer, who described his quest for total dominion over the realm as “one step forward, two steps back,” adding that  he understood the Chosen One wasn’t in a perfect position either, given that the teenager was continually being reborn and forced to fight an eternal nemesis. “Is this all there is to life? Rise again, be defeated, rise again? I know I should just look at it as a meditation on how you do what you do because you love it, but it’s getting really hard. I’m just scared I’m going to lose my drive for perpetuating evil. Sometimes, I feel like a nobody of darkness. Anyway, I’m really just venting. I know I can’t quit. I’ve been reading a lot about inherited trauma lately.” At press time, the Lord of Darkness had reportedly lain down for a nap. 
What To Know About Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill #~# Gov. Ron DeSantis recently signed Florida’s “Parental Rights in Education” House Bill 1557 into law amid a firestorm of controversy. The Onion answers common questions about the legislation, which  opponents have termed the “Don’t Say Gay” bill.
Trojan Introduces New Contraceptive Fife For Charming Sperm Out Of Vaginal Canal #~# EWING TOWNSHIP, NJ—Touting the product as a breakthrough in modern prophylactics, leading condom brand Trojan announced Friday that it would expand its product line to include a new contraceptive fife that could be used to charm sperm out of a vaginal canal. “This small wooden flute, when played correctly, is capable of enchanting up to 99.9% of spermatozoa and leading them jauntily and safely away from the nearest egg,” said Dana Hendricks, president of marketing at Trojan, before demonstrating several alluring melodies one could play on the device to cast a delightful spell upon semen and prevent an unwanted pregnancy. “The user has about 30 to 45 minutes after ejaculation to render a tune that fully mesmerizes the sperm cells, which will twirl their flagella and merrily follow the siren song out of the vagina—or any other orifice, for that matter. The bewitched seminal fluid will then  launch into a hearty jig as the piper leads them across the bed, into the bathroom, and down the drain.” Hendricks added that skilled fife players would find the product was also powerful enough to lure sperm out of a flaccid penis.
Avant-Garde DJ Really Gets The Dance Floor Thinking #~# MIAMI—A crowded nightclub reportedly erupted into contemplation Friday after an avant-garde DJ really got the entire dance floor thinking. “When that crazy-ass meditative soundscape dropped, everybody on the floor just started ruminating like wild,” said nightclub patron Lydia Wallace, adding that she and her friends had lined up outside the nightclub several hours before it opened to ensure they wouldn’t miss pondering the deconstructive yet citational nature of DJ [ //  &&& //  ]’s sounds. “I  immediately started having all these associations—it was so fucking profound, you know? God, I love coming out to the club and just standing for hours while I question my presuppositions. I was reflecting on the nature of being, of music, of art. And it felt so good to be surrounded by that sweaty, pensive crowd all pondering as one body. Man, I am mulling like crazy.” At press time, witnesses confirmed the crowd had gone absolutely introspective when the avant-garde DJ yelled for everyone to put their hands on their chins to think.
Students Explain How College Has Censored Them #~# While free speech is a constitutional right, many Americans do not feel it is properly protected at universities. The Onion asked several current college students how they’ve felt censored on campus, and this is what they said.
Costumed Characters Will Be Able To Start Hugging Again At Disney Parks #~# Disney has announced that visitors at Walt Disney World and Disneyland will be permitted to interact with, hug, and get autographs from costumed characters again starting in mid-April, after the traditional greetings were put on hold two years ago due to the pandemic. What do you think?
Man Who Lost Everything In Crypto Just Wishes Several Thousand More People Had Warned Him #~# CHICAGO—Saying  he had been absolutely blindsided by the sudden change in his fortunes,  local 33-year-old Tyler Branton, a man who lost everything in  cryptocurrencies, told reporters Thursday that he just wished several  thousand more people had warned him. “If only a thousand—or even a few  hundred—more friends had told me about the risks of putting my entire  savings into Dickcoin, I might not be where I am today,” said Branton,  decrying how no one had alerted him to the inherent instability of  digital currencies except for dozens of coworkers, family members,  podcast hosts, and respected economists.  “Over the past few days, I’ve  started to worry that all of this stuff—Web3, non-fungible tokens, even  the blockchain—is just a Ponzi scheme to cheat people like me out of our  money, and no one even thought to explain this to me outside of the  hundreds of people I deliberately ignored. It’s really a shame that I  learned all of this too late.” At press time, the relieved man had reportedly  thanked social media users who spoke up to encourage him to shake off  the bankruptcy and go into debt buying as many Golden Banana tokens as  possible.
Tennessee GOP Adds Age Requirement To Marriage Bill After Backlash #~# Republicans in Tennessee have amended a bill that would establish an “alternative form of marriage,” primarily meant to create a class of common-law marriage that would be limited to heterosexual people, to include age limits after a week of backlash. What do you think?
Buttigieg Brushes Up On Honking For Upcoming Talks With Nation’s Big Rigs #~# WASHINGTON—His lips flaring as he forced the loud blasts out of his lungs, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly brushed up on his honking Thursday in preparation for an important conference with the nation’s big rigs. “If we’re ever going to find common ground with these 18-wheelers, it’s essential that I speak their language,” said Buttigieg, who hoped to avoid a repeat of the disastrous 2021 rail summit during which he used an errant and unscripted “choo-choo” that elicited widespread criticism, forcing his aides to walk back the offensive train-whistle sounds. “I took honking for a couple years in high school, so it’s all in here somewhere. While I’m certainly not fluent, just knowing how to honk ‘Good morning’ and ‘My name is Pete Buttigieg’ will go a long way toward building trust with America’s semitrucks. The last thing I want to do is rely on a translator for a basic expression like diesel or jackknife or Dead Man’s Curve.” At press time, sources confirmed Buttigieg was watching YouTube videos of big rigs honking to make sure he had the accent down.
What To Say If Your Boss Asks You To Work On The Weekend #~# Unless you’re getting paid some serious overtime, your Saturday and Sunday should be off limits. If your boss asks you to work on the weekend, here is what you should say.
Several Wendy’s Menu Items Added To Periodic Table As Part Of New Sponsorship Deal #~# WASHINGTON—In a collaboration that all involved touted as an innovative step forward in the world of food science, several Wendy’s menu items were reportedly added to the periodic table of elements Thursday as part of a new sponsorship deal. “We are pleased to welcome the Baconator, the Hot Honey Chicken Sandwich, and other delicious Wendy’s classics to the periodic table, where they’ll sit side by side with beloved gases and metals like oxygen, lutetium, and zinc,” read a joint statement released by the American Chemical Society and Wendy’s to announce the new deal, which included several hypothetical breakfast menu items that exist in theory but have not yet been synthesized. “Fans of Wendy’s and chemical properties alike will enjoy some of our more ambitious collaborations, which include a limited-time series of Noble Gas Sandwiches, as well as a combo deal that allows you to get a medium Frosty for just 99 cents with the purchase of any actinide. It’s a great chance to enjoy science and a hearty meal at the same time. This offer is available at all participating restaurants and chemical laboratories nationwide.” According to reports, the sponsorship has met with backlash from diners complaining about the new radioactive Moscovium Nuggets, whose atomic bonds typically fall apart 100 milliseconds after being served to customers. 
Original Stan Lee Corpse Sells At Auction For $5 Million #~# NEW YORK—After an intense period of bidding that drew record-breaking offers for the creative force behind Marvel Comics, the corpse of Stan Lee sold Thursday for more than $5 million, according to officials at Christie’s Auction House. “This is a remarkable piece of comic book history that any serious fan would be proud to own,” said Christie’s CEO Guillaume Cerutti, explaining that for collectors eager to get their hands on an original Stan Lee, the auction presented a rare opportunity. “Cadavers like this don’t come on the block very often, especially in such good condition. Sure, there’s the normal wear and tear that you expect in a decomposing body from this period: The eyes have sunken back into the skull, and the skin is peeling in certain places. But regardless, this remains one of the most sought-after corpses I’ve ever had the pleasure of auctioning off.” The $5 million price represented a substantial profit for the seller, an anonymous collector who reportedly acquired the remains from a gravedigger in 2018 as part of a $150 deal that also included Philip Roth.
Native American Tribe Reaquires Land After Being Displaced For Over 350 Years #~# The Rappahannock tribe, a native tribe in Virginia, has reacquired 465 acres of their ancestral home that English settlers displaced them from in the 1660s, the purchase made possible by donors and grants as part of a growing movement of indigenous peoples fighting to reclaim their land. What do you think?
I Thought This Was The Kind Of Shit America Liked #~# On Feb. 24, 2022, I—Vladimir Putin—sent troops into Ukraine  to conduct a special military operation. As the president of Russia, I obviously expected resistance from leaders of certain key world powers, but I must say I’ve been surprised at how the United States, specifically, has reacted.
Study: Fox News’ Viewers Changed Attitudes After Being Paid To Watch CNN For 30 Days #~# A new study found that Fox News viewers who were paid to watch CNN for 30 days became more skeptical and less likely to believe fake news, noting changes in attitudes and policy preferences about Covid-19 and evaluations of Republican candidates and elected officials. What do you think?
Close Friends More Tolerable After A Few Drinks #~# AUSTIN, TX—Saying the ritual helped take the edge off the intimate get-together, local man Ted Boyd told reporters Wednesday that spending time with a group of his close friends was always more tolerable after a few drinks. “It’s great when we can just hang out and drink beer like this, because otherwise it can be pretty hard for me to connect with these guys who know me and understand me better than anyone else in my life,” said Boyd, who added that the hardest part of meeting up with his friends was the first 10 minutes or so, before he felt any effects from the alcohol, but that after the intoxicant took hold, interacting with people he liked and had known well for many years started to feel like something he could bear. “Enjoying our cherished acquaintance, our shared history together, all our inside jokes—that stuff’s a lot easier to get through once I have a good buzz going. And later, when we’re three or four rounds in, that’s when I can really begin to handle having these kinds of ordinary conversations with people who, through some of my best and worst moments in this world, have always been there to love and support me.” At press time, Boyd was reportedly throwing back a shot to make a romantic evening with his loving wife more endurable. 
Hillary Clinton Receives $225,000 Speaking Fee For Telling Grandson Bedtime Story #~# NEW  YORK—According to tax filings obtained from the Clinton Foundation,  former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton received a $225,000 speaking  fee Wednesday night for telling her grandson a bedtime story. “This  was a standard payment to compensate Secretary Clinton for her limited  time, and in recognition of the value her grandchild received from  hearing a story about a wayward goat and his friend the silly giraffe,” Clinton Foundation spokesperson Jennifer Alpert said in a disclosure  statement that also included the itinerary for the hour-long event with the 2-year-old at his home in Manhattan’s Flatiron District. “This was  actually substantially lower than the secretary’s typical speaking fees,  which is a testament to how much reading to her grandson aligns  with the values of the Clinton Foundation. She even stayed afterward to  sign a copy of the book and take any questions Jasper might have.”  Alpert added that the appearance was really a steal when you considered  the $2.5 million Clinton received for attending her daughter’s wedding.
Shrimp Assumed Visible String Of Shit Would Go Further In Deterring Predators #~# BAY ST. LOUIS, MS—Expressing frustration that another 9 billion pounds of their friends and family had been consumed last year by humans alone, the world’s shrimp population admitted Wednesday that they had assumed the visible string of shit they evolved would have gone further in deterring predators. “You’d think if you were a predator and you saw an animal whose translucent body showcased a long line of foul excrement stretching through its intestine to its anus, you’d want to eat something else—but nope,” said local shrimp Rocco DiScampi, 2, adding that while the humiliating trait had emerged over more than 300 million years of natural selection, it apparently still wasn’t disgusting enough to stop the species from being preyed upon. “The oceans are absolutely teeming with sources of protein that do not have a thick tube of feces continuously showing through their abdomens. So why eat us? I mean, look at me! I have a 3-inch-long filthy asshole!” The shrimp added that he wouldn’t eat that shit as a last resort, let alone pay for the privilege of doing so at a Michelin-starred restaurant.
Ancient ‘Killing Stone’ Said To Contain Evil Demon Has Cracked Open #~# A slab of volcanic rock north of Tokyo, known as Sessho-seki or “killing stone”, was recently discovered split into two, sparking fear among some locals because the 6-ft by 26-ft stone is linked to a Japanese myth that suggests it contains an evil nine-tailed fox demon. What do you think?
Man Who Can Fire You At Any Time Insists You Call Him By First Name #~# YOUR WORKPLACE—Making the proclamation shortly after releasing your hand from his sweaty grip, a man who can fire you at any time reportedly insisted Wednesday that you call him by his first name. “Please, call me Tom,” said the man who could shatter your livelihood and rob you of affordable medical care on a whim, who with one half-formed decision made as the result of other actions that had nothing to do with you could send your family into poverty. “There’s no need to be so formal. We’re all friends here.” At press time, the man who does not care one iota what you think and considers your employment at best a necessary evil on his own path to amassing a fortune stated that his door was always open.
Surprising Things Your Health Insurance Will Not Cover #~# In the American healthcare system, it’s probably best to expect to pay out of pocket for 100% of your medical procedures. Here are several surprising things that your health insurance absolutely will not cover.
The Onion Explains: War Crimes #~# U.S. president Joe Biden and others have recently accused Russian president Vladimir Putin of committing war crimes during his country’s invasion of Ukraine. But what are war crimes, exactly? The Onion explains the history, rationale, and application of war crimes.
Elon Musk Becomes Largest Twitter Shareholder #~# Tesla CEO Elon Musk bought a 9% stake in Twitter to become its largest shareholder, just before raising questions about the social media platform’s dedication to free speech and the First Amendment. What do you think?
Increasingly Desperate Zelensky Straining To Connect War, Trowel Sales In Address To Garden Supply Wholesaler #~# PITTSBURGH—In an emotional yet somewhat stilted plea, an increasingly desperate Volodymyr Zelensky was reportedly straining to connect the war with Russia to trowel sales Tuesday in his video address to a garden supply wholesaler. “The proliferation of trowels is much like the proliferation of war, except, uh, trowels are fine, and war is bad,” the Ukrainian president said in a pretaped 45-minute address, scratching his head and stuttering momentarily as he made an urgent appeal to the six-member team of the local small business for their full material and diplomatic support. “Just as we cannot close our eyes to the growing of weeds in our gardens, so too must this world keep its eyes open to the atrocities in Ukraine—ah, there we go, see, I got this. Yes. We plant the seeds of democracy now, so that our smiles are plaque and cavity-free tomorrow. Oops, I’m sorry, that part was for a dentist’s office I have booked later today.” At press time, sources confirmed staff members were so moved by Zelensky’s speech that they had pledged to send 50 bags of mulch to Ukraine. 
Red Flags That Mean It’s Time Ditch Your Doctor #~# Yes, they wear white coats and have fancy diplomas, but doctors can still be idiots. If you spot any of these red flags, it’s time to ditch your care team immediately.
‘They Switched It For Molasses!’ Yells Energy Secretary Discovering Nation’s Entire Oil Reserves Stolen #~# FREEPORT, TX—Taking a finger and tasting a scoop of the sticky, brown substance, Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm reportedly yelled, “They switched it for molasses!” Tuesday when she discovered the nation’s entire Strategic Petroleum Reserve had been stolen. “Good God, they can’t all be like this—no, no, no, no!” said Granholm, who began wildly shoving and kicking the syrup-filled drums in a fit of rage as the full extent of what had occurred at the underground facility finally dawned on her. “They’re useless—the entire reserve is useless! That’s 550 million barrels of oil, gone! They said they were barrel repairmen, and we believed it. Jesus Christ. That was everything. We’re fucking ruined!” At press time, sources confirmed Granholm was watching in stunned disbelief as the culprits took off in the very jet she had used to get there.
Kamala Harris Confirms Crack In Office Ceiling Seems Slightly Longer Today #~# WASHINGTON—Insisting that there was an appreciable difference over the past 24 hours, Vice President Kamala Harris confirmed Tuesday that the crack in the office ceiling seems slightly longer today. “It could be a shadow, but it really does seem bigger than yesterday,” Harris reportedly said to herself, reclining fully in her office chair staring at the crack in the ceiling as she had been for nearly an hour. “I don’t remember it starting so close to the wall. Should I tell someone and get maintenance in here? Although I hate to bother them, you just start to notice these things when you’re just sort of sitting around in here for so long. I’d meant to keep checking that crack every day since I noticed it last fall, but I got super busy for a couple weeks there when  that spider formed a cobweb in the corner and I was waiting for it to drop down far enough that I could swat it. I should really be more diligent. Oh darn, I think my leg’s asleep.” At press time, Harris had reportedly cleared away several knicknacks from her desk and was standing on it to mark the crack’s progress across the ceiling with a pencil.
Amazon Workers Win Battle To Form First U.S. Union #~# Amazon workers at a Staten Island, NY processing facility have won a historic vote to form the first-ever collective bargaining unit at the e-commerce giant, despite months of an aggressive anti-union campaign run by the company. What do you think?
Report: You Could Just Lose An Arm One Day #~# BOSTON—In an exhaustive analysis of the most up-to-date human anatomical studies, a report released Tuesday by researchers at Boston University’s School of Public Health concluded that it was completely possible for you to just lose an arm one day. “The data indicate that more than 99% of people who have lost an arm never thought it would happen to them, so why should it be any different for you?” said report co-author and epidemiologist Hannah Chabot, citing numerous case studies that suggest you could wake up in the morning with two arms and go to bed with one, simple as that. “Sepsis, gangrene, freak accidents, and even animal attacks are phenomena that occur to ordinary people every day. In fact, our research found that all it takes is a single instance of stepping into a crosswalk at the wrong time, and bam! No more arm for you. It’s honestly kind of amazing that you still have both of them.” Chabot went on to emphasize that the loss of limbs doesn’t have to stop at one arm, either.
BetterHelp Therapy Session Leads To Breakthrough In Sellable Patient Data #~# CHICAGO—In what she described as a major step forward after months of psychological evaluation, a therapist at online mental health provider BetterHelp confirmed that her session with a client Tuesday had led to a significant breakthrough in sellable patient data. “It’s been a long road, but she was finally able to talk about her trauma in a way that will permit our advertising partners to target her buying habits,” said counseling psychologist Sarah Hargrave, who admitted that the deep-seated sources of her client’s emotional issues had made her question whether his debilitating anxiety could ever truly be monetized. “I definitely feel like we got somewhere today and were able to identify several consumer behaviors that we can continue to exploit going forward. The way she allowed himself to be vulnerable, to cry a little, and then to open up about her childhood in a way that will enable the marketing messages she sees on her screen to be optimized—it was really inspiring.” Hargrave went on to state that she could not disclose the name of her client, as that would be an inexcusable breach of professional ethics.
D.C. Police Find 5 Fetuses In Home Of Anti-Abortion Activist #~# Washington, D.C. officers discovered five fetuses inside the basement apartment of an anti-abortion activist who was also recently indicted on federal charges for blocking access to a reproductive health center. What do you think?
White House Press Secretary Asks Reporter Chanting ‘Kill, Kill, Kill’ If He Has An Actual Question #~# WASHINGTON—After letting out a sigh of apparent exasperation, outgoing White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki took a pointed tone during Monday’s briefing when she asked a reporter chanting “Kill, kill, kill” if he had an actual question for her. “Is there an inquiry relevant to the Biden administration’s current policies, sir?” Psaki said as the foam-mouthed reporter’s eyes rolled back in his head and he screamed “Blood! Blood now!” while scrambling over other members of the press corps in a frenzied rush toward the podium. “I’m happy to answer any question you’d like about the Russia-Ukraine conflict or the release of oil reserves, but ‘The impure among us will suffer unspeakable agony!’ is not a hypothetical I’m going to entertain. Similarly, the White House has not issued an official position on whether the filthy stain of the unrighteous can only be cleansed in an ocean of blood. Let’s move on.” Sources confirmed Psaki also dodged inquiries from the reporter about whether she approved of him eating her bones. 
What To Say If Someone Catcalls You #~# When a stranger shouts sexually inappropriate comments at you on the street, it’s demoralizing, and it can often be hard to stand up for yourself. If someone catcalls you, don’t back down—say these things to them instead.
‘You Have Abandoned Us, So Shall Ye Be Abandoned!’ Bellow Employees At Coworker Returning From Vacation #~# MILWAUKEE—Arguing  that such rank betrayal deserved equal recompense, Crain Systems  employees reportedly bellowed Monday that just as coworker Tyler Simmons  had abandoned them, “so shall ye be abandoned” after his three-day  vacation. “Do you think us fools to accept you back into our ranks so  easily after such traitorous misdeeds? No! Take thine allotted personal  days and leave our sight, foul deserter!” said the throngs gathered in  the meeting room, who commanded their treacherous coworker to exile  himself from the office forevermore and return to his oh-so-beloved  vacation spot in Traverse City, MI. “You would make a pariah out  of us with your vacation days? No, we will make a pariah out thee! Cast  thyself out of this office and spit on thy contributions in today’s  morning meeting! Begone, vacationing devil!” At press time, the employee  outcry was reportedly quelled after Simmons revealed he brought a  package of cherry taffy for everyone to share.
Panasonic Recalls 2 Million Microwaves That Got Dirty #~# NEWARK, NJ—Following hundreds of reports of strange-colored smears and unpleasant odors, Panasonic issued a product recall Monday on 2 million microwaves that got dirty. “It was never our intention that these microwaves would get splattered with soup and sauces, and for that, we deeply apologize,” said Megan Myungwon Lee, CEO of Panasonic North America, who stated that the recall extended to all devices sold by the company within the past five years that caused countless numbers of customers to become frustrated, disgusted, and even ill. “We’re still not sure how this happened, as every Panasonic product is thoroughly inspected for cleanliness before leaving our factories. This is obviously a glaring error on our part. We have no idea what that red gunk is, so we are asking for your own safety that all customers return these products immediately.” At press time, Lee had resigned in disgrace.
New Mother Confirms Childbirth Most Rewarding Experience A Desperate Attention Seeker With No Personality Can Go Through #~# EVANSTON, IL—In a post celebrating the birth of her daughter, new mother Nicki Dennings confirmed Monday that childbirth was, indeed, the most rewarding experience a desperate attention seeker with no personality can go through. “Wow, only mothers would understand this, but there really is nothing that compares to the experience of pushing another human being out of your body and building an entire identity around that single action,” said the 30-year-old with no discernible charisma or character, gushing over finally having found an idea of a self to latch onto and defend violently against those who “could never understand what this feels like” despite it happening roughly 385,000 times a day on Earth. “The whole time I was pregnant, I just kept thinking about how cool it is that I’m growing something inside me that I’ll be able wring attention out of for the rest of my life. I now believe I was put on Earth just to watch my baby grow into endless material I can use over and over again to steer the conversation back to me. I’ll never forget the moment the doctor confirmed that those next nine months would be all about me and what’s happening to my body, which I would use to cultivate a personality that included ‘mother’ and nothing else. I finally understand how my mother must have felt when she got all that attention and absolutely fucking loved it.” At press time, Dennings had commented that “it’s crazy how no one talks openly about the experience of being a mother” on 654 separate mommy blogs.
Education Report Finds American Children Severely Behind In Age #~# CHICAGO—In a statistical analysis comparing the United States to other industrialized nations, a new report released by McKinsey and Company on Monday found that American children were severely behind in age. “It appears that U.S. children and foreign children in Japan, Germany, Israel, France, China, Russia, and more than thirty other countries are comparable until adolescence, at which point American children suddenly drop off,” said Kyle Lafarciola, lead author of the report, who stated that in some extreme cases, American children as young as 5 years old were found to already be a decade behind their international peers. “There are too many American children who are 11 or 12 years old who should really be 17. It’s sad. What does that say about our priorities?” According to the report, the gap can be attributed to decades of American policy that failed to emphasize growing older.
Man Wonders If Speeding Ticket Just Karma For Going 120 MPH #~# OMAHA, NE—Pondering whether the universe, in its own subtle manner, might be trying to send him a message, a local man reportedly wondered aloud if the speeding ticket he received Monday wasn’t just karma for driving 120 miles per hour down the freeway. “Wow, I guess what goes around really does come around, huh?” said Josh Daniels, 35, who described how he had spent the morning wildly careening through residential neighborhoods in his Honda Accord before he decided to merge onto Interstate 80 and “just floor it.” “I don’t want to draw connections where there aren’t any, but when I saw those flashing lights in the rearview, it definitely gave me pause. Maybe this is simply karma’s way of tapping me on the shoulder and letting me know there are consequences for screaming ‘I will never die’ while zigzagging through traffic and flipping off multiple state troopers.” According to sources, Daniels went on to wonder whether his pending vehicular manslaughter charge wasn’t some sort of cosmic justice related to his decision to climb behind the wheel after drinking a fifth of blended scotch.
U.S. To Issue Gender-Neutral Passports Starting April #~# The State Department has announced that U.S. citizens will be able to select the gender-neutral “X” as a marker on their passport books starting April 11 in a move recognizing nonbinary and intersex Americans who are estimated to make up 1.2 million and 4 million people, respectively. What do you think?
Dozens Of Aborted Fetuses Flee Through Back Window After D.C. Police Bust Down Door #~# WASHINGTON—With bystanders reporting that multiple mangled figures were seen  emerging from the house as law enforcement closed in, dozens of aborted fetuses allegedly fled through the back window of an anti-abortion activist’s house Thursday after Washington, D.C. police busted down the door. “I’m not going down for this!” one of the aborted fetuses was heard to yell moments before it leapt from the second-floor window of the home of Lauren Handy, the director of activism for Progressive Anti-Abortion Uprising. It is believed to have joined several other aborted fetuses who attempted to climb a chain-link fence at the rear of the property despite not having fully formed hands. The raid appeared to catch occupants of the home by surprise, as several of the aborted fetuses escaping the home were still reportedly covered in formaldehyde, suggesting they had been in their jars and forced to take flight in a hurry. The Metropolitan Police Department, which was following up on a noise complaint, stated that when authorities knocked down the door of the home, several aborted fetuses hid in a bedroom closet, while at least three other aborted fetuses stayed behind to hamper the officers’ pursuit by spewing amniotic fluid down the stairs. Two aborted fetuses, who sources said may have been hiding out in Handy’s home since October 2020, were apprehended while attempting to climb down from a window sill by tying their umbilical cords together. Another unidentified fetus was reportedly pronounced dead at the scene after firing at officers and declaring, “You’ll never take me alive.” While most of the occupants were tracked down within a few blocks of the activist’s home, law enforcement officials warned local residents to be on the lookout for fugitive aborted fetuses that may have used shoe polish to hide their fontanelles. 
Facebook Paid GOP Strategy Firm For Anti-TikTok Campaign #~# According to reports, Meta, Facebook’s parent company, hired a Republican consulting firm called Targeted Victory to “orchestrate a nationwide campaign” to sway public opinion against TikTok, planting negative news stories and op-eds around the country. What do you think?
Russia-Ukraine War By The Numbers #~# The Russian invasion of Ukraine has been going on for over a month and continues despite peace talks. The Onion looks at the most consequential statistics that tell the story of the Russia-Ukraine War.
Masked, Visibly Erect Republicans Condemn Cawthorn’s Cocaine Orgy Claims As Patently False #~# WASHINGTON—In a strong rebuke of the congressman’s claims that government officials invited him to orgies and offered him cocaine, several masked, visibly erect Republicans condemned Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-NC) on Friday, calling his accusations patently false. “What Madison Cawthorn said about myself and my colleagues was totally unacceptable, and I assure you that elected officials would never participate in such disgusting, illicit activities,” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who, after snorting a line of stimulants off a masked Republican’s bare chest, unleashed a loud scream, punched his lectern, and began passionately kissing and disrobing four of the representatives standing behind him. “I can promise you as a Republican who has proudly served in Congress for 15 years that obscene depravities of this kind simply do not take place in Washington. As for Cawthorn, well, mmm, ohhh. Oh baby. Yeah, that’s the spot. Yeah, yeah, keep going. Harder. Harder.” At press time,  the masked, nude Republicans could not be reached for comment, as they had all passed out in a drug-induced postcoital slumber.
NFL Satisfies Outraged Fans With New Overtime Rule That Both Teams Win #~# NEW YORK—Responding to outcry over the ending of a 2021 playoff victory by the Kansas City Chiefs over the Buffalo Bills, the National Football League reportedly satisfied fans Friday with a new overtime rule that both teams win. “This rule change, which will be implemented next season and will apply to all playoff games, including the Super Bowl, means that no one will have to watch their team lose just because the other team played better—that simply wouldn’t be fair,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, vowing that a situation where the Chiefs defeated the Bills just because the Bills defense couldn’t stop them from scoring points was an “injustice” and that it would never happen again. “We understand that fans were upset with the way our overtime rules functioned, so from now on, both teams will emerge victorious no matter what. The overtime period will last 15 minutes, or however long it takes each team to score as many points as they want to before they get sleepy and decide to go home. Fans watching a close, hard-fought game that ends tied in regulation will now be able to clap their hands in delight from the very beginning of the overtime period knowing that their team is going to win the game, along with the other team. This is the only fair way.” Goodell added that if the new rule proved successful, the league was open to eliminating losses altogether and letting every team finish the season 16-0 with 1,000 touchdowns.
Man Hates Visiting Girlfriend’s Parents’ House, Sleeping In Her Childhood Bassinet #~# WATERLOO, IA—Groaning as he struggled to get comfortable in the cramped space, local man Brad Green confirmed Friday that he hated when he and his girlfriend stayed over at her parents’ house, because they always wound up having to sleep in her childhood bassinet. “This sucks—why didn’t they upgrade to something bigger when she moved out?” said Green, who reportedly tossed and turned as he tried to arrange his limbs into a tolerable position, sighing while his girlfriend slept soundly beside him under a mobile that played Pachelbel’s Canon in D. “I’ll probably be up the whole night, but even if I do manage to drift off for a while, my neck will be sore for the next two weeks. Is it too much to ask for a place to sleep where my feet, legs, and half of my torso don’t hang off the edge? And you can forget about having sex in this thing. It makes a ton of a noise when it rocks back and forth, and someone’s always banging their head on the canopy.” At press time, Green was seen curled up on the couch in the living room of a Barbie dreamhouse.
23,000 Mail Ballots Rejected In Texas Primary #~# A new report shows that Texas threw out mail votes at an abnormally high rate during the nation’s first primary of 2022, rejecting nearly 23,000 ballots outright under tougher voting rules, with the rejection rate higher in counties that lean Democratic (15%) than Republican (9.1%). What do you think?
Scientists Speculate Universe May Be Simulation After ‘Trial Version Expired’ Appears Across Sky #~# COLLEGE PARK, MD—In what is being hailed as the first empirical evidence in support of a hypothesis that has gained popularity in recent years, top scientists speculated Friday that the universe may indeed be a simulation controlled by an unseen entity after the words “trial version expired” appeared in the sky. “When we can look overhead and see what appears to be an error message from a computer operating system, it certainly lends new credence to the argument that we’re living in an artificial reality,” said University of Maryland physicist Harold M. Cramer, adding that from what he and his colleagues could glean from the airborne phenomenon, human consciousness would be terminated in five days if no further action was taken. “Though it’s possible we are witnessing an optical illusion caused by some kind of atmospheric distortion, the request for a verification code that keeps popping up suggests that our reality may indeed have a specific, singular subscriber, and that this entity must upgrade to a premium subscription in order to avoid any interruption to our experience of consciousness. We can only hope this cosmic account holder can guide us though the two-factor authentication process so that our simulacrum of life remains operational.” At press time, a team of leading cosmologists announced it had successfully renewed the free trial period for another 14 billion years by simply signing up again with a different email address.
Every State’s Favorite Pickup Lines #~# “SOOOOO-IE!”
CEO Pay Rose 17% Last Year #~# Pay for CEOs who run the biggest U.S. companies soared 17.1% in 2021, up to a median of $14.5 million. What do you think?
Gun Laws In Every State #~# Guns may be legally wed after 16 years of ownership.
Point/Counterpoint: A Self-Driving Tesla Ran Over My Son vs. Elon Musk Is Revolutionizing The Way We Kill People #~# Earlier this year, my family suffered an unimaginable tragedy when we lost my beautiful 5-year-old son Gavin. While out on a walk, Gavin stepped into a crosswalk and was immediately struck and killed by a speeding self-driving Tesla, ending his young, precious life.
Company Touts Hire Of 3 Black Women Who Will Stand Next To CEO #~# NEW YORK—During a press conference Monday in which it touted the success of its diversity initiative, Connex Marketing Solutions introduced the three Black women it had recently hired to stand next to the company’s CEO, Carter Foss. “We are proud to have these three women join our team, flanking our CEO anytime he’s doing a presentation or posing for company publicity materials,” said human resources director Karen Cendes, adding that the new employees would all hold highly visible positions standing to the left, to the right, or directly behind Foss when needed, especially during meetings on Connex’s diversity, equity, and inclusion program. “We interviewed a lot of applicants for these positions, but these three stood out with their decades of experience being African American women and being asked to stand there quietly. Our company is proud to champion people of color, and we look forward to seeing our new Black women do this important work on the periphery of Mr. Foss.” Cendes added that going forward, any criticisms of the CEO should be redirected to the three Black women. 
Customer Not Going To Complain In Case He Accidentally Did Order Sandwich With Band-Aid In It #~# EVANSTON, IL—Sliding the top bun over to examine what he just bit into, local diner Brad Steffers reportedly decided Monday he was not going to complain to his server in case he accidentally did order a sandwich with a Band-Aid in it. “I’m not a big fan of these, especially on sandwiches, but it’s very possible an adhesive bandage is a standard topping on their pulled pork,” said the first-time Smoky’s BBQ patron, plucking the sauce-soaked woven rayon Band-Aid from his sandwich and admitting that he didn’t read the menu very closely or check what ingredients came with his selection. “I don’t want to say anything and risk getting the server in trouble for something that could have been my mistake. I didn’t bother asking them to hold any soggy first-aid supplies, and that’s on me. Next time I’ll probably substitute pickles, but who knows? Maybe it’s better this way.” At press time, Steffers was seen amicably paying the bill without argument after noticing he’d been charged an extra dollar for the addition of the Band-Aid.
Eric Adams Announces $4 Billion Budget Increase For NYPD To Fight Ghosts #~# NEW YORK—In a press conference calling for an end to the persistent scourge on local residents, New York Mayor Eric Adams announced Tuesday a $4 billion budget increase to help the city’s police department fight ghosts. “For too long, these phantoms and wayward spirits have terrorized our citizens and afflicted this great city’s streets with spooky mayhem,” said Adams, decrying the previous administration for being too beholden to supernatural special interests to equip the police with the tools necessary to stand up to the mischievous and macabre. “Any New York City resident who has a tip about a malicious poltergeist, be it a spectral longshoreman or a demonic killer in Hell’s Kitchen, can now call our tip line and rest assured that NYPD will arrive promptly and with the instruments needed for a full-scale exorcism. And frankly, it’s about time: Our subways are covered with ectoplasm. Central Park is filled with ghastly coachmen led by cadaverous horses. It’s time for New York to stand up and say to these ghouls: We will not be spooked!” Adams then became emotional as he noted that growing up in Brooklyn and Queens, he had seen far too many of his childhood friends possessed by wraiths and driven into a life of bone-chilling hauntings.
Man Wastes Another Gorgeous Day Being Dead #~# CHICAGO—Despite it being absolutely perfect sunny, 80-degree weather, sources confirmed Tuesday that local man Jared Thune wasted yet another gorgeous day being dead. “Come on, man, it feels amazing outside, don’t you think it’s stupid to spend all your time underground in that cramped, dark coffin?” said friend Roy Yoo, adding that it was absurd that Thune insisted on holing up  in a small wooden box when the rest of the world was out there enjoying the first real taste of summer. “Seriously, I don’t get it. The sun is shining! The birds are chirping! But I guess he’d rather just be down there, wasting away in the darkness, all by himself. God, ever since he was the victim of a homicide a few years ago, he’s been such a hermit. Whatever.” At press time, terrified sources told reporters that a decomposed Thune was begrudgingly bursting out of his grave, dragging himself to a nearby park, and immediately feasting on a child.
Enron Reopens #~# HOUSTON—Touting the energy company’s reemergence as the right business decision at the right time, Enron announced Tuesday that it was reopening. “We’re excited to be back and we’re looking toward the future,” said Jeffrey Skilling, who will be reassuming his role as CEO to oversee a vast portfolio already spanning thousands of assets across 19 countries. “Enron has seen enormous excitement on Wall Street. We’re striking while the iron is hot, as there’s an obvious market opportunity for Enron to reestablish itself as one of the leading energy commodities traders in the world. We’ve had several successful funding rounds totaling over $26 billion, which include all the major banks, previous Enron investors like Janus Capital and Alliance Capital, and first-time Enron investors like Andreesen Horowitz and Polaris Partners. Those investors will have seats on our board of directors, alongside longtime Enron board members Norman Blake, Ronnie Chan, and John Wakeham. We’ve already hired 13,000 employee stakeholders worldwide, many of whom will report to our temporary headquarters in Houston until construction is completed on the Kenneth Lay Memorial Complex in 2025. There’s a whole lot we’re looking forward to doing in the energy-trading space, not to mention fracking, mining, and water futures, and we’re hitting the ground running. We feel confident that 2022 is going to be Enron’s year.” Skilling reportedly also assured any skeptics of Enron’s reopening that the company would take all available steps to prevent any financial improprieties by working with the newly reopened prestigious audit and accounting firm Arthur Andersen.
Dr. Oz Sells Garcinia Cambogia Supplement Guaranteed To Lower Taxes #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Touting the pill as a “miracle drug” at rallies and in his campaign literature, U.S. Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz reportedly began selling garcinia cambogia pills Monday that he said were guaranteed to lower taxes. “Folks, dropping those unwanted, stubbornly high tax rates is easier than ever with a supplement that experts are calling ‘the most exciting breakthrough in tax reform available today,’” the celebrity heart surgeon and office-seeker said during a campaign rally, offering Pennsylvania voters a discount on the “revolutionary tax buster” if they went to his campaign site in the next hour and entered the code “OZ2022” at checkout. “How does it work? Easy, the hydroxycitric acid extracted from this tropical fruit helps curb federal income taxes before their enacted, while simultaneously allowing you to double—even triple—your deductions. What’s more, garcinia cambogia actively boosts your refunds as you go about your day. If you started taking these 1,400 milligram capsules right now, you could be in a completely different tax bracket by the end of next week! Who wants a demonstration?” Later in the rally, Oz introduced a supporter who gave a testimonial about how daily doses of colloidal silver had helped her eliminate “critical race theory” from her child’s school.
Celebrities Explain How They Are Supporting Abortion Rights #~# After a leaked Supreme Court decision indicated Roe vs. Wade would be overturned, many were shocked and appalled. The Onion asked celebrities how they are supporting legal access to abortion, and this is what they said.
Scientists Discover Ancient Forest Inside Giant Sinkhole In China #~# Scientists in China have discovered a well-preserved ancient forest at the bottom of a giant sinkhole 630 feet deep with trees more than 100 feet tall that they believe could be home to numerous undiscovered species. What do you think?
U.S. Navy Issues Thanks To Oceans For Their Assistance Winning WW2 #~# NORFOLK, VA—In a star-spangled ceremony honoring the many contributions of the bodies of water to the Allied cause, the U.S. Navy issued formal thanks Monday to the oceans for their decisive assistance in winning World War II. “Without the tide that carried us into battle or the ocean depths to hide our submarines from German U-boats, we simply would not be standing here today,” said Adm. Christopher Grady, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, his voice rising as he tossed several handfuls of medals into the Chesapeake Bay for distribution to the world’s oceans. “It was a thankless job providing the buoyancy that brought our boys to the beaches of Normandy or Iwo Jima, but the oceans never complained. In fact, in their darkest hours, our troops could often look down from their ships and smile at the Pacific Ocean’s uplifting surf. Sadly, many of the waves that crashed on German shores never made it back out to sea. For that, we give our appreciation to the oceans and salute their watery valor.” At press time, Grady had cued up the U.S. Navy Band to play “Anchors Aweigh” as sailors pushed a monument dedicated to the oceans out to sea.
Nation’s Short Bald Guys Announce Plans To Become Unnervingly Ripped #~# WASHINGTON—Furiously lifting weights and flexing their muscles while wearing tight, formfitting shirts, the nation’s short bald guys announced plans Monday to become unnervingly ripped. “Today, we, the short men of America with perfectly shaved heads, pledge to build an obscene amount of muscle that will look insane given our below-average stature,” said short bald man James Sharpe, adding that he and hundreds of thousands of other men just like him would not rest until their biceps, pecs, and calves  were extremely veiny and bulged out of nearly any outfit they wore. “America, you’ve been warned! We may be under 5'6" and have no hair on our heads, but that will not stop us from taking a cocktail of dangerous testosterone supplements, shaving off all our body hair, and working out until we can no longer put our arms down all the way. Also, we will continue to wear oversized sunglasses, clip our cell phones to our belts, and date exceedingly tall women whom we will encourage to wear stiletto heels.” At press time, the nation’s short bald men could not be reached for comment, as they were reportedly shoving their fingers into each other’s chests and repeatedly yelling,  “What’s your problem, bro?
Senate Republicans Block Domestic Terrorism Prevention Bill #~# Senate Republicans have blocked a bill designed to combat domestic terrorism by setting up offices to track domestic terrorist activity and identify risks in order to prevent more incidents like the racially motivated mass shooting in Buffalo. What do you think?
Biggest Revelations From The Johnny Depp–Amber Heard Trial #~# After six weeks of constant analysis and content, the verdict is in: We are as a people simply too impatient, stupid, and psychologically stunted to be discussing this trial at all.
Vatican Scientists Successfully Transplant Pig Soul Into Human #~# VATICAN CITY—In what theologians are describing as a giant step forward in divine surgery, a team of Vatican scientists successfully transplanted a pig soul into a human for the first time in church history, sources within the Holy See reported Friday. “We were in prayer for more than eight hours, but we’re pleased to announce that after a few extra Hail Marys to make sure it took, we were able to get a human body to accept a pig’s soul,” said chief surgeon Father Lorenzo Piccoli, explaining that the new development had potentially massive implications for people who were born with congenital soul defects and needed a replacement. “It’s a delicate procedure. There’s always the possibility that a demon soul could enter, and then suddenly you’re in the operating chapel having to perform an emergency exorcism. But we’re pleased to report we can now give people a second chance at spiritual life, this time as a pig. Our patient has made a full recovery and is at the moment oinking happily and eating acorns.” The scientists went on to clarify that in keeping with the Catholic teaching that animals cannot enter into the kingdom of heaven, the recipient of the transplant would be damned for all eternity.
Desperate Judge Makes Lethal-Injection Drugs In Courthouse Toilet #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Determined not to let a lack of available substances prevent him from executing an inmate on death row, desperate Tennessee judge Gary Hargreave  was reportedly making lethal-injection drugs in a courthouse toilet Friday. “It’s not ideal, but we’re going to execute that guy one way or another,” said Hargreave, who was seen in a men’s room stall mixing together items swiped from courthouse vending machines and a nearby convenience store in an effort to devise a combination of ingredients that could prove fatal to the prisoner whose execution had been delayed. “You’ve got to give it time to ferment; otherwise, it’s not going to be strong enough to kill the guy. I don’t want to make something that’s going to put him in a coma. Ideally, it will be strong enough to stop his heart several times over. The governor’s making some in his toilet, too, so we’re probably going to administer both to the prisoner and see which one works. I just hope it’ll become strong enough before someone catches me.” At press time, the shaking, sweat-drenched judge was overheard telling a courthouse security guard that he could pay good money if the man was able to smuggle him in some sodium thiopental to satisfy his fix.
The Pros And Cons Of Letting Children Die #~# America is currently wrestling with the difficult and controversial question of whether it’s worth it to make an effort to keep children alive, not to mention safe, educated, or healthy. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of just letting children die.
Wayne LaPierre States Mass Shootings Can Be Perfectly Safe When Carried Out By A Trained, Responsible Gun Owner #~# HOUSTON—Addressing the massacre that occurred at an elementary school in the state only three days earlier, National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre told attendees at the organization’s annual meeting Friday that mass shootings could be perfectly safe when carried out by a trained, responsible gun owner. “By following a few basic gun safety rules, there’s no reason a mass shooting should hurt anyone,” said LaPierre, who lamented that the recent string of shootings in Uvalde, TX; Buffalo, NY; and Laguna Woods, CA, among countless others, could have been a stress-free experience for everyone if the gunmen had only enrolled in the right training course. “It’s all about knowing how to properly handle your firearm. That’s why the NRA offers a variety of courses to teach prospective mass shooters the best practices. Gunning down dozens of people can be completely harmless and free of danger, but you’ll never see the left-leaning media covering the safe shootings, will you?” At press time, LaPierre had offered to demonstrate.
NRA Convention Applauds As Gunman Massacres Entire Crowd #~# HOUSTON—Shouting with glee and jostling each other to get a better spot, the audience at the National Rifle Association’s annual meeting reportedly burst into applause Friday as a gunman massacred the entire crowd. “Woo! Shoot us all!” multiple spectators were heard to yell as the armed assailant, believed to be carrying an AR-15 as well as several handguns, fired bullet after bullet into an audience that had leapt to its feet upon his entrance and cheered when he shot Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) in the head. “I’m calling my family—I never thought I’d see one of these in person! Oh my God, this is so cool!” At press time, sources confirmed the applause was slowly dying out as fewer and fewer members of the audience were left alive.
Woman Suspects Hidden Camera In Public Restroom After Noticing Boom Mic Operator In Corner #~# PROVO, UT—Sensing something “wasn’t quite right” about the public restroom, local woman Selena Kimball was reportedly suspicious there was a hidden camera present Thursday after noticing a boom mic operator in the corner. “I’m not a paranoid person, but every hair on my body stood up as soon as I heard someone yell ‘action,’” said Kimball, who turned in a slow circle as she carefully surveyed the restroom, looking from the lighting rig on the ceiling to the director’s chair set up in a stall. “I can’t explain it; it just feels like I’m being watched and recorded in crisp, professional-grade audio and visual. Maybe I’m crazy, but there are a lot of creeps out there.” At press time, sources confirmed Kimball had decided it was probably nothing when a makeup artist rushed forward for a quick touch-up with a brush.
Tennessee To Make Public Camping For Homeless A Felony #~# A Tennessee law going into effect July 1 will make camping on local public property a felony, threatening the homeless people who camp in parks with a punishment of up to six years in prison and the loss of voting rights. What do you think?
Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation #~# UNITED STATES—Throwing their arms up into the air and screaming while frantically sprinting toward every single American border, the entire U.S. police force reportedly fled the country Thursday after hearing that there was a gunman somewhere inside the nation. “Oh my God, run, run for your lives, someone in the United States has a gun,” said Phoenix Police Sgt. Aaron Philbank, appearing panicked as he urged more than 900,000 sworn law enforcement officers in all 50 states to drop whatever they were doing and escape via foot, car, plane, or boat into either Canada, Mexico, or the Pacific or Atlantic Ocean. “Jesus Christ. This guy could potentially be violent and, at this point, might be anywhere from California to New York. All I know is that I’m getting the hell out of here, and these fuckers are on their own. I didn’t sign up for this shit.” At press time, Philbank could not be reached for comment, as the nation’s police force was busy barricading every U.S. border crossing and threatening to tase anyone who tried to stop the gunman.
Tearful Uvalde Residents Thank Police For Protecting Parking Lot From Gunman #~# UVALDE, TX—In an expression of gratitude for keeping the community’s beloved stretch of asphalt safe, tearful Uvalde residents thanked law enforcement Thursday for protecting Robb Elementary School’s parking lot from a gunman. “To the brave officers who heroically stood outside the school to defend this pavement against attack, we offer our undying thanks,” said Uvalde native Jim Clabor, his eyes welling up with emotion as he recalled the innocent Toyotas and Fords whose bodies might have been struck by gunfire if not for the courageous actions of police. “The only reason this beautiful blacktop surface emerged intact from the shooter’s rampage is because these officers rose to the occasion and refused to let anything happen to our precious parking lot. We are blessed that every 9-foot-wide space survived Tuesday’s massacre, allowing future generations to park their cars here without fear.” At press time, Texas schools were reportedly increasing the security presence in their parking lots, staffing them with officers sworn to take a bullet for the pavement if necessary.
Hyundai Recalls 239,000 Cars For Exploding Seat Belt Parts #~# Hyundai is recalling 239,000 cars in the U.S., saying the seat belt pretensioners can explode upon deployment and send shrapnel throughout the vehicle, injuring vehicle occupants. What do you think?
Things People Hate The Most About Public Transportation #~# It’s disgusting to imagine, but Americans take around 10 billion trips on public transit each year. Here are the things that people hate most about public transportation.
Must-Read Reflections On The Reproductive Rights Battle #~# With more states passing laws that limit or outlaw abortion, a leaked Supreme Court document proposing to overturn Roe v. Wade has prompted a firestorm of debate and controversy. The Onion sifts through the many reflections published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile takes on the battle for reproductive rights in America.
Bad Time For Greg Abbott To Reveal New Machine Gun Legs #~# AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging the realities of public opinion following another mass shooting in his state, Texas governor Greg Abbott admitted Thursday that it was probably not a good time to reveal his new machine gun legs, according to sources in his office. “Goddamn it, of all the weeks for this to happen,” said Abbott, a paraplegic, who shouted to be heard over the loud blasts filling the room and then sat back down in his wheelchair, pulling a blanket up over the brand-new pair of fully functional M242 Bushmaster chain guns he had had surgically transplanted to replace his legs. “Obviously, the optics aren’t great right now, but I worked into the wee hours Tuesday morning to get these bad boys all cleaned and polished for their big debut. Talk about terrible timing! Now I have to wait until this damn grade-school shooting passes through the news cycle. Well, I’ll give it another couple days. I suppose it’s okay, as long as I can still show off the awesome firepower in this beautiful pair of cannons at the NRA convention in Houston this weekend.” At press time, Abbot had reportedly emptied several dozen 25-mm armor-piercing tracer rounds into an unsuspecting aide while attempting to cross his legs.
Sacrificial Altar Comfier Than Expected #~# GOLDENDALE, WA—Taking a deep breath, exhaling, and releasing all the tension of a stressful day from his body, chosen offering to the gods Dale Balko told reporters Tuesday that the sacrificial altar upon which he lay was comfier than expected. “The altar actually feels great on my back, and with those torches they lit all around me, it’s really warm and cozy up here, too,” said Balko, remarking that the flowers, candelabras, and incense were a nice surprise that created a pleasant ambience while the priest sharpened his knife for the ritual. “I feel pampered, to be honest. The consecrated wine was delicious, and the chanting from the followers circling the altar is very soothing. Not even the blood, bones, and uneaten bits of flesh from the previous sacrifice detract from the atmosphere that much. I’m so relaxed I might just drift off to sleep!” Balko added that the priest about to cut out his still-beating heart was quite charming, and he would gladly recommend the ceremony to friends if he weren’t going to be dead soon.
Mitch McConnell: ‘Get Your Crying Done Now Because We’re Not Passing Shit’ #~# WASHINGTON—In  a press conference addressing the community of Uvalde, TX, Senate  Minority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly urged those affected Thursday to get  their crying done now because he wouldn’t be passing shit. “Go ahead and  shed some tears, trot out the families of the victims, do whatever the  fuck you’re going to do, and then we’re going to go back to pretending  none of this happened,” said McConnell, urging the nation to go online  and post whatever little impassioned rants or photographs of the  bereaved they had, since he and his fellow lawmakers had decided their response to all of this would continue to be  absolutely fucking nothing. “And yes, we know the parents of the victims will be burying 19 young children  in the coming few weeks.  Seriously, none of it matters to us. I don’t know how to make it any  clearer. We simply couldn’t care less.” At press time, McConnell had  returned to the podium to add that his thoughts and prayers were, of  course, with the community and the grieving families.
U.S. Birth Rate Rises For First Time Since 2014 #~# A CDC report found that births in the United States rose for the first time in seven years, with experts suggesting that postponed pregnancies due to the pandemic or changes in access to contraceptives could have influenced 2021 birth rates. What do you think?
Walmart Pulls ‘Juneteenth’ Ice Cream After Backlash #~# Walmart has pulled its ice cream introduced to celebrate Juneteenth after critics decried the move as in poor taste and insensitive. What do you think?
Report: Uvalde Gunman Had Accomplices As Far As Washington, D.C. #~# UVALDE, TX—Uncovering shocking new details about the Robb Elementary School shooting, FBI agents told reporters Wednesday that alleged gunman Salvador Ramos had accomplices as far away as Washington, D.C. “We have reason to believe this wasn’t a ‘lone wolf’ incident, but rather a coordinated attack carried out with the assistance of 535 individuals in the D.C. metropolitan area,” said agency spokesperson Adriana Yaroma, who noted that the case was now being investigated as a federal crime, as the co-conspirators had crossed the borders of every U.S. state. “This was a highly sophisticated operation backed by millions of dollars, and it appears to have been in the works for decades. We have evidence these men and women provided the shooter with cover as well as access to the very guns used to perpetrate the murders. If it weren’t for the cooperation of these incredibly sick individuals, the 21 victims would still be with us today.” At press time, the accomplices had reportedly fled the country before they could be brought in for questioning.
IRS Splinter Group Demands Taxpayers Recognize August 15 As The True Tax Day #~# WASHINGTON—Decrying the traditional filing season as “an irredeemable heresy,” an Internal Revenue Service splinter group demanded Wednesday that taxpayers recognize Aug. 15 as the one true tax day. “Any righteous interpretation of the 16th Amendment and the original Revenue Act of 1913 makes clear that Apr. 15 is not the sanctified deadline for payment of income tax,” read an excerpt from a manifesto by the IRS Fundamentalists, a radicalized group that seeks to restore what it views as the purity of the U.S. tax code and has threatened to carry out vigilante audits of anyone who does not file on Aug. 15 of this year. “You have been led astray by the false shepherds of TaxAct and H&R Block, who seek to deceive and destroy you. Only by postmarking your federal return by Aug. 15 and enclosing a check for the amount due (if any) can you fulfill your sacred obligation as a U.S. taxpayer.” At press time, the FBI had reportedly raided an IRS Fundamentalist compound at which members were allegedly rigging blue mail collection boxes to explode if anyone attempted to mail in their taxes on Apr. 15.
HR Department Rings Gong Every Time They Successfully Cover Up Sexual Harassment #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to boost morale by celebrating their accomplishments, the human resources department at a local tech start-up reportedly decided Wednesday to ring a gong every time they successfully covered up sexual harassment. “It’s just a fun way to acknowledge the hard work we do here and to inspire one another with our successes,” said HR head Dominic Feinbender, who clapped and cheered as a handful of his team members joyously lined up to bang the gong, denoting several instances of predatory, toxic, and outright illegal behavior being successfully swept under the rug since the start of business that day. “Everyone, let’s congratulate our colleagues on another great day allowing sexual misconduct to run rampant at our company under the guise of care. Really great work, seeing as more than half of the upper management team is going to be walking away from this email fiasco scot-free. And Kayley—where’s Kayley?—how you managed to scrub the internet of that leaked groping complaint, I’ll never know! This is how you do it, people—well done, all around.” At press time, the company’s CEO had reportedly awarded an $8,000 bonus to the HR team for exceptional work in making even the most well-founded allegations vanish without a trace.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# UVALDE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed at least 21 individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Idaho resident Kathy Miller, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Biggest Misconceptions Men Have About Sexual Reproduction #~# As the abortion debate intensifies, it’s become abundantly clear that most men don’t know the first thing about sexual reproduction. Here are the biggest misconceptions guys need to correct ASAP.
Tips For Officiating A Wedding #~# More couples are opting to have a friend or family member officiate a wedding rather than a member of the clergy, but that can put pressure on the officiant to make sure the ceremony goes smoothly. The Onion offers helpful tips for officiating a wedding.
New York Mobbed By Thousands Of Drunken Characters During Disney Cruise Line's Fleet Week #~# NEW YORK—In an annual event that many New Yorkers look to with dread and annoyance, the city’s most popular tourist areas were reportedly mobbed this week by thousands of extremely drunken characters who were celebrating Disney Cruise Line’s Fleet Week—a seven-day shore leave in which the characters depart their ships and let loose in the Big Apple. “It’s always total chaos—earlier today, I saw two Goofys spill out of a bar on Sullivan street in the middle of a fist fight, and just a few blocks down, Donald Duck was pissing right into the gutter,” said West Village resident Thomas Edelman, echoing other New Yorkers who reported seeing large groups of characters including Balloo the bear and Princess Jasmine loudly singing “When You Wish Upon A Star” at all hours of the night, wandering into the street, and getting clipped by taxicabs, as well as several eyewitness reports of Chip the teapot from Beauty And The Beast throwing a trash can through a window at Balthazar after being denied entry. “At about 4 o’clock this morning, I woke up to Pumbaa from The Lion King giving some NYU kid a hand job in the alleyway underneath my apartment window. Disgusting.” An NYPD spokesperson confirmed that hundreds of officers are working overtime in an effort to avoid tragedies such as what occurred in 2013, when four of the Seven Dwarves and Cinderella were found floating facedown in the East River.
‘Bon Appétit’ Test Kitchen Apologizes For Gruesome Experiments On Beans #~# NEW YORK—In response to widespread condemnation over several recent leaks, the Bon Appétit Test Kitchen reportedly issued an apology Tuesday for the organization’s gruesome experiments on beans. “We make no excuses for the horrific treatment our chefs inflicted on hundreds of thousands of cannellini beans, kidney beans, and navy beans, and although we know we have a long road ahead of us, we pledge to make things right,” read a statement issued by the Bon Appétit Test Kitchen after evidence showed that the kitchen had spent the past few years carrying out a series of grisly culinary experiments on innocent beans, including mass rotting, non-consensual removal of their radicles, and forced caramelization. “While we cannot rationalize what we did, we want to stress that we went into the kitchen believing that what we did there had important ramifications for gastronomical research, but over time our efforts drifted into invasive tests that are absolutely incompatible with Bon Appétit’s values. We want to apologize to the legume community—no spicy bean dip or three-bean salad is worth what we did to those poor beans. Over time, it became more about power and control than anything else, and we truly lost our way.” At press time, many Bon Appétit critics had responded that their apology was insufficient, and that they needed to do more to help the garbanzos reportedly subjected to invasive psychological experiments that had caused hundreds of beans to go insane.
Retired Couple To Live Permanently On Cruise Ships, Saying It’s Cheaper Than Mortgage #~# A retired Seattle couple sold their home to live permanently on cruise ships, saying that the $89 per day they spend on room, food, and entertainment works out to be much cheaper than paying off a mortgage in Seattle. What do you think?
Religion Rocked By Another Molestation Whatever #~# WASHINGTON—With the disclosure of widespread abuse threatening to undermine communities of faith across the nation, sources confirmed Tuesday that religion had once again been rocked by something or other having to do with molestation. “Thousands of American churches are reeling in the wake of a bunch more sexual assault stuff,” said national religion reporter Alfred Somu, adding that a lot of these molesting things involved children, and that U.S. congregations had not been this rattled since the last time they were told about all the molesting their pastors had done. “Hearing about this systematic predatory whatever can test the faith of churchgoers, having broad implications for blah blah blah you’re not listening, no one is paying attention, no one ever does, only a fraction of these people are ever held accountable, and worship services will continue on Sunday as usual, with the culture of whichever denomination it was this time remaining largely unchanged.” At press time, reports confirmed most church congregants had already totally forgotten about that kid-raping business.
GOP Senator Says Maternal Death Rate Isn’t As Bad If You Don’t Count Black Women #~# Louisiana Sen. Bill Cassidy is under fire after arguing that the state’s poor maternal mortality rate is only an “outlier” because of the high proportion of Black women, who are four times more likely to die during pregnancy than white women, and that the rate would be more standand if the numbers were corrected for race. What do you think?
Surprised Brian Kemp Assumed Pence Died On Jan. 6 #~# KENNESAW, GA—Shocked to hear the former vice president had appeared at a recent rally for his campaign, Georgia governor Brian Kemp told reporters Tuesday that he thought Mike Pence had died on Jan. 6.  “Wait, I thought that guy was shot or trampled to death or something at the Capitol—are you sure it’s the same Mike Pence?” said a stunned Kemp, who noted that while he was happy to have Pence’s endorsement, he could have sworn he had seen a widely circulated video of the man being beaten to death with a baseball bat. “But isn’t he the one everyone’s been calling ‘the slain vice president’? I’m sorry, this just doesn’t add up. He was definitely, at the very least, in a coma for several months. I need to check Snopes. Did his taxidermied corpse endorse me? Or did the endorsement come from beyond the grave?” At press time, Kemp reportedly shrieked after seeing a picture from the rally of Pence standing beside him.
Things To Never Say To Someone Who Can’t Breastfeed #~# Being unable to lactate does make you a bad mother, but you’re not supposed to admit that. Never say the following things to someone who can’t breastfeed.
Police Report Bystander Killed By Officer Had Long History Of Bystanding #~# ST. LOUIS—Saying the incident fit a larger pattern in which the victim was often present but not an active participant in a situation, the Metropolitan Police Department reported Tuesday that local bystander David Clacker, who was killed by an officer, had a long history of bystanding. “After a thorough investigation, we have confirmed that the individual who was fatally struck by a stray bullet last night was a repeat bystander, someone also known to have been a frequent passerby,” said police spokesperson Sgt. Blake Ludlow, stressing that the death, while tragic, could not be separated from Clacker’s extensive record not only of bystanding, but of onlooking. “Simply put, had the deceased chosen not to bystand, he never would have found himself in the way when our officer’s gun discharged. But unfortunately, he bystood time and time again. It should go without saying that any civilian who puts themselves within range of an officer’s service weapon does so at their own risk.” Clacker’s death comes on the heels of an internal study in which the department concluded the only way to avoid such killings was to eliminate all bystanders from streets, parks, public venues, retail establishment, and private residences. 
Meta Bans Employees From Talking About Abortion #~# Meta has reportedly told employees that they cannot talk about abortion on Workplace, its internal version of Facebook, because it could create a “hostile work environment,” leaving people “feeling like they’re being targeted based on their gender or religion.” What do you think?
Nation’s Male Bus Strangers Announce Plans To Show Each Other Pictures Of Swimsuit Models On Their Phones #~# CHICAGO—Pledging to loudly discuss the desirability of women’s breasts no matter the personal cost, the nation’s male bus strangers announced plans Tuesday to show each other pictures of swimsuit models on their phones. “We will reach over several visibly uncomfortable passengers to show each other photos on our phones of a woman in a metallic bikini, and hold it there while the other guys take a photo of that photo,” said 52-year-old Bryan Duffy, the self-appointed leader of the coalition of men who had been riding the bus for so long that it had become unclear whether they were bound for somewhere or just riding, and none of whom had a device newer than an iPhone 6. “We will use our beefy fingers to zoom in on asses and repeat, ‘You got to get a look a this,’ as we pass our phones across the aisle. We will not ask each other any questions about each other. I don’t know them, they don’t know me, and nobody on this bus could even start to guess how this conversation got started. We stand before you today to—oh, damn, check out the rack on that one. What’s her name? Do you know her?” At press time, Duffy had launched into a tangent about how he had once been with a chick that looked just like the girl in the picture.
Report: Dad Won’t Admit He Feels Cute In New Hat #~# WILMINGTON, NC—With the accessory reportedly giving him a newfound “pep in his step” that he could not manage to conceal, family sources stated Tuesday that local dad Kevin Eicher wouldn’t admit that he felt cute in his new hat. “He clearly likes how he looks in it, because he hasn’t wiped that grin off his face since he put it on,” said Eicher’s daughter, Kelly, who added that the 53-year-old man was too shy to acknowledge how attractive his headwear made him feel, but that it showed every time he adjusted the brim of the khaki bucket hat in a mirror and gave himself a slight nod of approval. “He brushes off any compliment he gets about it, but you can tell he loves the hat. He hasn’t taken it off since buying it, not even when we sat down for dinner.” At press time, sources reported that Eicher was seen shopping in an outlet store for a new quarter-zip fleece pullover to match his hat.
Affection For Restaurant Dialed Back Upon Realization It A Chain #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—Seeking to distance himself from his previous words of praise for the establishment, local man Dylan Wortman immediately dialed back his affection for a restaurant Tuesday upon learning it was part of a chain. “Oh, what I meant was, it’s pretty good for what it is, and it’s not a bad option if everything else downtown is booked,” said Wortman, who hastily revised his position that Tucker’s Bar and Grill was “a real gem” and “a must” for visitors after learning the restaurant had several other locations throughout the region. “I was just saying they have some good happy hour deals. There are definitely better places to go if you want something unique. To be honest, I really only go to Tucker’s when my parents are visiting, because they like that sort of thing.” At press time, Wortman was reportedly still backpedaling, remarking upon how Tucker’s had been far better before it became chain, back when it was still an out-of-the-way place beloved by locals. 
First Cases Of Monkeypox Confirmed In U.S. #~# U.S. Officials have confirmed the country’s first two cases of monkeypox, a rare but potentially serious illness causing flu-like symptoms and rashes that lead to painful pustules on the body, recent outbreaks of which have already been reported in 12 countries. What do you think?
Politician Still Gets Little Rush Every Time He Pretends To Be Like Poor Person #~# WASHINGTON—Quivering with excitement at the mere thought of acting as though he lived paycheck to paycheck, local politician Aaron Hastings told reporters Monday that he still got a rush every time he pretended to be like a poor person. “Even after all these years of running for office, nothing gets my juices going faster than waltzing around like I’m some nobody loser making minimum wage,” said Hastings, adding that the second he stepped into an impoverished neighborhood, his eyes dilated, his heart pounded, and a shiver immediately went up and down his spine. “Oh yeah. Eating shit food in a disgusting, run-down diner? Talking about ‘our community’ with some old guys at a barber shop? Saying how hard I worked to overcome obstacles and pull myself up by my bootstraps? And then hopping in my private jet and going home to my mansion? That’s the stuff. That’s the stuff.” At press time, Hastings told reporters he would have to excuse himself, because he had ejaculated after pretending to be poor by taking public transit for a mere 30 seconds.
Things New Yorkers Hate Most About L.A. #~# Let’s face it, you’re not a real New Yorker unless you hate the following things about Los Angeles.
New Diversity Initiative Encourages Employees To Lie About Their Race #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging the company’s overwhelmingly white culture presented “a continuing challenge,” cloud solutions provider Ultraa announced a new diversity initiative Monday that encouraged employees to lie about their race. “Here at Ultraa, we are very serious about our vision of an open and inclusive workspace, which is why we are asking all our employees to help us by misreporting their race or ethnicity on a new company-wide survey,” said human resources director Thea Ray, adding that employees would first be able to attend training sessions that would teach them how to claim they were Black, Latino, Asian, Native American, or any other minority background of their choice. “While the bulk of our company is currently Caucasian, we know that with your help, Ultraa’s managers, executives, and even our CEO could one day show up on industry surveys as diverse. You can say you’re anything! Just please, don’t say you’re white.” Reached for comment, top Ultraa executives Declan O’Flaherty, Clive Parker-Wedgwood, Helmut von Allendorf, and Torbjørn Løfsgaard confirmed their backgrounds were 100% Pacific Islander. 
Report: More Than 3,000 Potentially Harmful Chemicals Found In Food Packaging #~# Scientists have identified more than 3,000 potentially harmful chemicals that can be found in food packaging, tableware, and reusable food containers, two thirds of which were not previously known to be in contact with food. What do you think?
Man Scared Of Committing To AirPods Just Because He Afraid To Someday Lose Them #~# CHICAGO—Reflecting on anxieties he said were rooted in attachment issues from his childhood, a local man told reporters Monday that he realized his fear of committing to AirPods stemmed from nothing more than his fear of one day losing them. “I think I’m so wrapped up in trying to avoid the pain of loss that I’m not allowing myself to experience the joy of having AirPods,” said Justin Anderson, 26, explaining that a recent therapy session had helped him gain perspective on what was truly holding him back from paying a couple hundred dollars for the Apple product. “I get that it’s completely normal to eventually lose them. It’s something everyone goes through. Still, it’s hard to leave yourself open to the hurt you know you’ll feel if suddenly they’re just gone. I want to have wireless Bluetooth earphones in my life, but I don’t know if I’m ready, on an emotional level, for all the things that can go wrong with them.” At press time, Anderson acknowledged that if he truly loved the AirPods, it would be okay to someday let them go.
Urban Overplanner Issues Minute-By-Minute Daily Schedule For Each Of City’s Residents #~# SEATTLE—Rigorously highlighting various times, locations, and transit routes on a large stack of itineraries, urban overplanner Gary Wilkins told reporters he had issued minute-by-minute daily schedules Monday for each of Seattle’s residents. “Alright Seattle, pay attention, because I’ve spent the past few months assigning all 3.5 million of you to various morning, afternoon, and night activities,” said Wilkins, who added that per his agenda, the entire population would have to wake up at 7 a.m., eat a big breakfast, and then get out into the city and enjoy their day until approximately 10 p.m., at which point it was lights out. “You’ll notice that tomorrow’s 15-hour block is split into various categories, including walking, biking, driving, resting, relaxing, learning, and eating. Please, respect the schedule, including your specified bathroom breaks, because assigning each of you to Seattle’s 78 neighborhoods, 237 bus routes, and 2,300 restaurants was not easy. Now come on! Who wants to have fun?” At press time, Wilkins could be seen screaming at 1.5 million Seattle residents who threw out their itineraries and just went to bars to get drunk. 
Pregnant Woman Playing Lots Of Mozart In Hope Of Making Husband Smarter #~# BROOMFIELD, CO—Noting it was a critical time for development, local woman Hailey Dobson told reporters Monday she was playing lots of Mozart during her pregnancy in the hope of making her husband smarter. “I know the science is iffy, but I want to make sure I’m doing everything I possibly can,” said Dobson, who held a pair of headphones to her spouse’s ears as she monitored him for any sign he felt or heard the music. “Hmm, I can’t tell if he’s reacting to it. Even gaining a few IQ points would be major. Of course, that’s not hugely important, since I’ll love him no matter how he turns out. Still, though, wouldn’t it be exciting if he became a doctor or a lawyer one day?” At press time, Dobson was seen wiping tears from her eyes in response to her husband twitching during Piano Concerto No. 9.
U.S. Soccer And Players Agree To Equal Pay In New Contracts #~# U.S. Soccer and the women’s and men’s national teams have announced a historic collective bargaining agreement to close the gender pay gap and assure every player, man or woman, is paid equally, a first in the soccer federation world. What do you think?
Fetus Steps Outside Womb For Quick Cigarette Break #~# KEARNEY, NE—Explaining he felt “all cooped up in that place” and needed to clear his head, a local fetus reportedly stepped outside the womb Friday for a quick cigarette break. “It’s nice to take a break from the nonstop gestation and just relax a little, but you’re not allowed to smoke in there,” said the unborn human offspring, currently the size of a bell pepper, who bummed a light from the ultrasound technician and proceeded to take long drags from a Marlboro. “I know this is bad for my development, but how else am I supposed to get through another 20 weeks in a cramped uterus? It’s been a tough trimester, and I needed to stretch these itty-bitty fingers and teeny-weeny toes. Mom’s always telling me I gotta stop. I figure I’ll quit when I’m born.” At press time, sources reported the fetus was tugging on the umbilical cord to give himself some more slack after being informed the law required him to stay at least 15 feet away from the womb.
NYPD Arrests Colombian Turnstile Lord Behind Massive Turnstile-Jumping Ring #~# NEW YORK—As part of a sting aimed at dismantling a criminal enterprise said to operate in all five boroughs, the New York City Police Department arrested Friday a notorious Colombian turnstile lord alleged to be the leader of a massive international turnstile-jumping ring. “The NYPD has apprehended Carlos ‘The Hurdler’ Andrés after receiving a tip that he would be landing on an American subway platform today,” said Commissioner Keechant L. Sewell, who accused the powerful fare-dodging boss of arriving from Bogotá and immediately jumping a turnstile to avoid paying $2.75 for the A train at the Howard Beach­–JFK Airport station. “This morning’s arrest is the culmination of a decade-long, $7 million special operation to take down Mr. Andrés and his lawless associates, who through their illicit activities have robbed the MTA of several dozen MetroCard swipes. With their highly specialized criminal leaping skills, this cartel has been tied to instances of fare evasion throughout the city. In some cases, they have even enlisted minors in their dangerous game, because children, with their smaller bodies, can often shimmy under the rotating metal bars that have been put in place to prevent unpaid access to our transit system. It should go without saying that turnstiles are all that stand between this city and anarchy.” At press time, NYPD officials confirmed reports that Andrés was once again on the loose after easily hopping the security gate at Rikers Island.
Elon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To Grind #~# LOS ANGELES—Claiming his penis had obviously been coerced into exposing itself to a flight attendant in 2016, Elon Musk reportedly accused his genitals Friday of being a far-left actor with an axe to grind. “For the record, these accusations against me are wildly untrue, and were carried out by my genitals in a coordinated and dirty campaign orchestrated by the Democrats and the radicalized left,” said Musk, who added that  he would never do something like that, and that his penis was clearly attempting to discredit him after years of highly publicized tension between the two. “Sadly, my shaft and balls used to be genitals of love, but thanks to socialist propaganda spread by antifa, they’ve become weapons of hate. Of course, while I move to the right, my penis has chosen to move dangerously to the left. Disgusting.” At press time, Musk vowed to vote Republican and to continue fighting for free speech no matter how many more times Democrat operatives paid his penis to expose itself to workers.
Excuses Men Use To Not Get Married #~# The only thing men fear more than commitment is getting married specifically to you. Here are the most common excuses guys use to avoid saying “I do.”
Knife-Wielding Tesla Kills Pedestrian #~# BOSTON—In an incident that sent shock waves across the  automotive industry, a knife-wielding Tesla Model S reportedly killed local  pedestrian Lucy Friedman Friday after pursuing her down a city street.  “Based on data retrieved from the vehicle, the Tesla’s camera appears to  have accidentally locked onto the pedestrian as she approached a  crosswalk before opening its machete hatch, deploying the blade, and  chasing her into a darkened alley,” said Tesla spokesperson Lindsey  Singh, expressing regret for the programming malfunction that caused the  car to rev its engines, turn on its flood lights, and pursue the  terrified 32-year-old with a chassis-mounted blade. “Of course, we never  intended the car’s knife to be used for lethal purposes. It’s possible  the car’s sensors mistook Ms. Friedman for a patch of tall grass or  sugar cane. What’s worth pointing out, however, is that the Tesla slashed  through the victim’s jugular and then beheaded her using entirely clean  energy. That’s something you could never say about a Toyota Prius.”  Singh added that Tesla would learn from this mistake and equip all new  vehicles with a first aid kit to help save any future stabbing victims.
Ringling Bros. Announces Comeback Tour Without Animal Acts #~# Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus has announced the return of its big top circus that closed five years ago, which is scheduled to debut in the fall of 2023 as a “multi-platform entertainment franchise” that focuses on human feats rather than animal acts. What do you think?
Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances #~# GALLOWAY, NJ—Cursing himself and sweating as he tried to eliminate all traces of what he’d done, embarrassed local man Chris Burnley was said to be frantically clearing his internet search history Friday after googling the New York Jets’ playoff chances. “Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you? No one can know you look at demented stuff like this,” the visibly sheepish man reportedly told himself as he quickly deleted a number of compromising searches from his history, including “Jets Super Bowl odds,” “can NY Jets win AFC East?” and “Zach Wilson MVP.” “God, what if someone walked in? What if one of my kids was using the computer and found this? I’ve got to get these sick urges out of my system without using the family computer. Goddamn it, I wish my old laptop still worked.” At press time, sources confirmed Burnley was rushing to the mailbox to get his Visa statement before his wife could find out that he’d used the couple’s credit card to bet on the Jets winning the Super Bowl.
Timeline Of Tucker Carlson’s Career #~# Fox News host Tucker Carlson, the nation’s most-watched cable pundit, has built a career as a lightning rod for controversy. The Onion looks at the key events of his life and career.
Madison Cawthorn Loses GOP Primary #~# Madison Cawthorn, the youngest member of Congress, has lost his seat in the Republican primary for North Carolina’s 11th Congressional District after a deluge of scandals involving run-ins with the law, sexual innuendo, and claims about Republican orgies. What do you think?
Tom Cruise Receives Standing Ovation For Entering Cannes With Cartwheel #~# CANNES, FRANCE—Showered with praise for pulling off the spectacular feat, blockbuster actor Tom Cruise received a standing ovation at the Cannes Film Festival Wednesday when he arrived for the premiere of  Top Gun: Maverick with a cartwheel. “Wow, how does he do it? This is why he’s a movie star,” said festival attendee James Dupont, who appeared mesmerized as Cruise announced, “Hey, everyone, look at me!” and raised two hands high into the air, proceeding to execute the most daring cartwheel ever witnessed on the red carpet at Cannes. “I can’t believe he did that! He could’ve died, you know. You don’t see a lot of actors able to do a cartwheel like he does. Most of them use stunt doubles, but not Tom Cruise! He must’ve had to train for months. Oh my God, he’s about to do a somersault, too—I’m crying.” At press time, the crowd was reportedly dazzled by Tom Cruise running up the stairs to the stage two steps at a time. 
Trump Urges Dr. Oz To Declare Victory Against Biden In 2020 Election #~# PALM BEACH, FL—In a series of posts shared to social media platform Truth Social, Donald Trump reportedly urged Dr. Mehmet Oz this week to declare victory against Joe Biden in the 2020 presidential election. “Dr. Oz, you must not let the election officials steal the presidency from you,” said Trump, who called upon the Republican Senate primary candidate to “go to the Supreme Court” if officials tried to call the race in Biden’s favor. “This is the moment where you can really show your strength. Don’t let them cheat you out of this—you must do whatever it takes, President Oz, to hold on to this victory. The White House is yours.” At press time, sources confirmed Trump was pressuring Republican officials across the country to certify Oz’s win.
Signs You Are Experiencing Parental Burnout #~# Between children, work, and generally being a shitty person, life can feel impossible. Here are signs you are experiencing parental burnout.
KitchenAid Unveils New Countertop Food Truck For Ordering Street Tacos From Convenience Of Home #~# BENTON HARBOR, MI—Calling the appliance a perfect addition to any kitchen, appliance manufacturer KitchenAid unveiled a new countertop food truck Thursday for ordering street tacos from the convenience of one’s home. “With KitchenAid’s new countertop food truck, home cooks of any level can open their cabinet, place an order, and instantly receive authentic Mexican street food straight from the source,” said spokesperson Jenna Turner, adding that for just $399, anyone could reach their hand up to the counter and receive carnitas, al pastor, or barbacoa tacos. “Not only does the elderly woman who makes the food hail from Oaxaca and use her grandmother’s secret recipes, but the truck itself is a beautiful addition to any space. Plus, it comes with a full flattop grill and tons of accessories, like a salsa bar and several coolers filled with aguas frescas.” At press time, KitchenAid had reportedly come under fire for releasing a mini version of the countertop food truck with a child laborer inside.
Surgeon Loses Another Patient Under Operating Table #~# ROCHESTER, MN—Reflecting that it never got easier to break the tragic news to the family, surgeon Peter Broadwell reportedly lost another patient under the operating table Wednesday. “Goddamn it, she was right here—how the hell did she just disappear?” said the Mayo Clinic thoracic surgeon, who rooted around under the operating table and searched through the operating room storage cabinets for the patient he had lost. “Okay, if I were a patient, where would I be? Come on, Pete, focus. This is the third one you’ve misplaced this month. She was under heavy anesthesia, so it’s not like she just got up and walked out of here on her own. I tried so hard to keep her on the table, where I could see her, and it just wasn’t enough. This is the part of the job I really hate.” At press time, sources confirmed a nurse was leading the distraught doctor away from the operating room and assuring him that he had looked everywhere he could.
Study Links Anxiety To Holding Broken Halves Of Mother’s Favorite Vase As Doorknob Turns #~# MEDFORD, MA—With its groundbreaking new research into what causes acute episodes of panic, a study published Thursday in The Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry has established a link between severe anxiety and holding the broken halves of mother’s favorite vase as the doorknob turns. “Our data show that high levels of stress are strongly correlated with the door to the drawing room opening after a subject has shattered an irreplaceable heirloom that she cherishes dearly,” said Anabel Delancy, a Tufts University professor and lead author of the study, which used carefully controlled experiments to show that anxiety levels increase with both the number of degrees the knob has turned and the number of generations the vase has been in the family. “With every approaching footstep, we saw a significant spike in cortisol, the levels reaching their peak as subjects looked frantically between the pile of broken antique Venetian glass and the heavy oaken double door. While anxiety could be reduced in the short-term by successfully concealing all of the shards beneath the rug one’s uncle Adélard brought back from the Orient, it recurred with even greater intensity once the evidence was discovered and a harsh scolding was issued.” Delancy went on to say that the only effective treatment for such anxiety was for the subject to be taken into mother’s arms and reminded that possessions could never compare to the love she had for her darling child.
Snapchat CEO And Supermodel Pay Off College Debt For L.A. Art School Graduates #~# Snapchat CEO and co-founder Evan Spiegel and his wife, supermodel Miranda Kerr, who were keynote speakers at this year’s graduation ceremony for Otis College of Art and Design, made donations to repay over $10 million in student loan debt for the school’s newest graduates. What do you think?
DeSantis Signs Bill Banning Protests Outside Private Homes #~# Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis has signed a bill prohibiting “picketing and protesting” outside someone’s private residence, in response to abortion rights protests recently staged in front of the homes of U.S. Supreme Court justices. What do you think?
What To Know About The Infant Formula Shortage #~# The U.S. is in the midst of a significant shortage of infant formula, with over 40% of expected supplies currently out of stock, leading to concerns about infant health and outrage from parents. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the infant formula shortage.
Enlightened Child Realizes Chasing Vendetta No Way To Spend Entire Bumper Car Ride #~# WAUKESHA, WI—Reminding himself that forgiveness was above all a gift to himself, enlightened 8-year-old Trevor Brandt reportedly realized Wednesday that chasing a vendetta was no way to spend his entire bumper car ride. “Sure, I could go and smash into that kid’s car in retribution, but God only gave me so long on this ride and I don’t want to waste a single second on petty grudges,” said the benevolent second-grader, adding that he had already thrown away precious moments dwelling in anger on being pinned against the ride’s wall and called a loser. “What would lashing out at him accomplish besides distracting myself from the bounty of fun before me in the coming five minutes? No, I must simply turn the other cheek and appreciate the cool racing stripe I have. Ultimately, every bump I make into his car is really just a bump into myself.” At press time, the child was seen sitting peacefully while idling his car in the middle of the bumper car ring.
People Who Haven’t Had Covid Explain How They’ve Avoided It For 2 Years #~# The most catastrophic pandemic in a  generation, Covid-19 has left many millions dead and even more infected. Could those who have  managed to avoid the virus provide us with clues to how we might contain such pathogens in the future? The Onion asked those who haven’t had the virus  to explain how they avoided it for two years.
Febreze Introduces New Rotting Rat Carcass For Covering Up Tough Odors #~# CINCINNATI—Calling the air freshener their “strongest product yet,” executives at Febreze reportedly began marketing a new rotting rat carcass Wednesday for covering up tough odors. “Whether you’re dealing with an overflowing trash can or a noxious bathroom, Febreze’s new line of bloated, dead rats will cover up that unpleasant scent fast,” said Procter & Gamble CEO Jon R. Moeller, who explained that the festering rodent’s patented long-lasting technology meant one rat could last for months in the average household before needing to be replaced. “Place one in the corner of the room, or toss one into a ventilation shaft if you prefer to keep it out of sight. They’re also great for overpowering musty scents in small spaces like closets and drawers. And the best part is that there are no heavy perfumes—everything’s 100% natural.” Moeller went on to state that consumers would have their choice between mauled, flattened, and electrocuted scents. 
Johnny Depp Loses All Support After Fans Realize They’ve Been Confusing Him For Orlando Bloom #~# FAIRFAX, VA—As his contentious defamation trial stretched into its sixth week, leading man Johnny Depp reportedly lost all support from those following the proceedings after fans realized Wednesday that they had been confusing him for actor Orlando Bloom. “Oh gross, it’s fucking Willy Wonka? That’s who we’ve been supporting this whole time?” said social media user John Nguyen, who told reporters he immediately deleted several pro-Depp memes from his profile upon learning that the 58-year-old actor had not appeared in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy at all, let alone in the role of Sindar Elf Legolas. “So he was the other guy in the Pirates movies? But that still doesn’t explain why we thought they were the same guy. Johnny Depp’s, like, 15 years older and much less cute. Okay, back to Lord Of The Rings—did he play an older version of Orlando Bloom’s character in one of those or something? No? Then why were we wasting our lives defending this loser? I’m honestly embarrassed.” At press time, fans reportedly grew even more perplexed after discovering that Johnny Depp’s ex-wife was not, in fact, Keira Knightley.
Kindhearted Bouncer Lets Everyone Into Club For Being Hot In Their Own Special Way #~# CHICAGO—In keeping with his responsibility to ensure only the ideal clientele were permitted entry, Tempo Bar’s kindhearted bouncer Felix Maddsen reportedly let everyone into the club last night for being hot in their own special way. “You may not have a flawless figure or wear expensive clothes, but I can tell you’re a perfect 10 on the inside, so come on in,” said Maddsen, explaining that it was the tiny imperfections that made each person attractive enough to gain admittance to the exclusive nightclub, and that a patron’s willingness to put themselves out there and have a good time was what made them a VIP in his eyes. “Sure, I can see you have bad skin and your teeth are a little messed up, but you know what else I see? A kind face. And kindness is sexy as hell. Fat? Thin? Tall? Short? As long as you’ve got a smile and a good attitude, we want to see you break it down on that dance floor tonight. Did I mention your personality is a total smoke-show?” At press time, sources confirmed Maddsen had turned away a conventionally attractive couple that had tried to cut the line, telling them they were ruining the vibe.
Judges Rule Calling Men ‘Bald’ Constitutes Sexual Harassment #~# An all-male panel of judges in the U.K. has ruled that commenting on a man’s baldness is a form of sex discrimination or sexual harassment, saying that since baldness is more prevalent in men, commenting on it in the workplace is equivalent to remarking on the size of a woman’s breasts. What do you think?
Earth Given 50-50 Chance Of Hitting Key Warming Threshold By 2026 #~# A new report claims the Earth has a 50-50 chance of temporarily reaching a global warming threshold by 2026, with temperatures rising more than 1.5 degrees celsius, an indicator of the point at which climate impacts will become increasingly harmful for people and the rest of the planet. What do you think?
Biden Touts Resiliency Of American Decline While Touring Factory That’s Been Closed For Decades #~# SAGINAW, MI—Gesturing grandly toward the dust-covered assembly line as he declared that nothing, absolutely nothing, could stop the nation from crumbling, President Joe Biden touted the resiliency of American decline Tuesday while touring a factory that had been closed for decades. “As I stand here in this shuttered auto factory where 2,000 workers lost their jobs in the mid-’90s so General Motors could save money by outsourcing their positions overseas, I am reminded that no matter what happens, the United States will always foster the conditions for its own demise,” the president said during the 90-minute tour of the crumbling, derelict factory, adding that the shuttered plant was a perfect example of the kind of local political and economic crises that were destroying the nation one community at a time. “This abandoned factory is a perfect symbol for a nation that will stop at nothing to drive itself into ruin. For years after this factory was closed down, the community tried to restore its operation and bring back jobs, but every time, a strong, unshakable coalition of business interests and politicians banded together and refused to let it happen. America’s commitment to its diminishing power is truly something to behold, and at the end of the day, I hope that we as Americans can stand tall and be proud of our entropy.” Before departing the facility, Biden reportedly addressed the corpse of a heroin addict who had taken up residence in the factory and overdosed on the floor, calling the dead man a shining example of the nation’s beautiful spiral into chaos and suffering.
Congress Placed On Lockdown After Deranged Man Enters Senate With Gun Control Measures #~# WASHINGTON—Sending members of Congress ducking under their seats and covering their ears, the U.S. Capitol building was reportedly placed on lockdown Tuesday after a deranged man entered the Senate chamber with gun control measures. “It was terrifying—apparently he had written up hundreds and hundreds of pages detailing his plan to enact strict measures to regulate as many guns as possible,” said Sen. Roy Blunt (R-MO), who confirmed that the suspect, a middle-aged man brandishing a large manila folder, was tackled by Capitol police officers after walking onto the Senate floor and announcing he was armed with a proposal. “It was horrifying. You could tell he had planned the entire thing out. For a minute there, I really thought it was the end for these shootings. I’m just thankful he was caught before the gun lobby got hurt, or even killed.” At press time, authorities had asked the media to refrain from sharing the deranged man’s writings to avoid inspiring any copycats.
L.A. Mayor To Provide Emergency Housing For Residents Who Spotted Homeless Guy In Neighborhood #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling the situation within the city a “humanitarian disaster,” Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti pledged Tuesday to provide emergency housing for residents who had spotted a homeless guy in their neighborhood. “Starting today, the City of Los Angeles will provide both temporary and permanent shelter to anyone who has been unfortunate enough to look out their window and see someone living on the street,” said Mayor Garcetti, adding that the multibillion-dollar initiative would finally give impacted families a place to recover from the shock of having to drive or even walk past an unhoused person. “The truth is, it’s better for everyone if we get these homeowners and renters into secure situations in which they never have to see a shopping cart, cardboard sign, or tent again. No resident should have to wake up every morning and be reminded of poverty. Not in this city.” At press time, Mayor Garcetti was reportedly under fire after ordering police to take a bulldozer to several upscale neighborhoods and arrest anyone who had seen a homeless person.
Astronaut Lifts Helmet To Sneak Quick Forbidden Gulp Of Space Air #~# LOW EARTH ORBIT—Admitting he knew it wasn’t strictly allowed by his mission commanders, astronaut Lance Mann reportedly lifted his helmet Tuesday to sneak a quick forbidden gulp of space air. “I know I’m not supposed to, but I just can’t resist,” the NASA astronaut said during a routine spacewalk to repair one of the International Space Station’s solar arrays, his mouth watering with evident delight as he anticipated his first taste of space’s sweet nectar. “All through training, they were always harping on about how we should never remove our helmets under any circumstances when outside the ISS. But that only made me want to try some space air even more. After all, how bad can one lungful be?” At press time, reports confirmed the visibly delighted Mann was coughing up blood after the vacuum of space collapsed both of his lungs.
Dad Reads Menu With Restaurant Candle Like Archaeologist Deciphering Ancient Runes #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Bringing the flame closer to the strange markings scrawled on the sheet before him, local dad Joe Kurinsky reportedly read a restaurant menu with a candle Friday like an archaeologist deciphering the runes of an ancient, forgotten language. The 56-year-old father of three, as though translating Sumerian from the cuneiform script of a weathered clay tablet in a recently unearthed tomb, was said to have slowly mouthed the words “chicken fettuccine” before moving on to the next line of cryptic symbols. According to sources, Kurinsky then blew a tiny speck off the plastic menu as if clearing away the accumulated dust of five millennia, in what appeared to be an effort to make out which side dishes he might be able to substitute for the house salad. Holding his torch aloft, Kurinsky was heard to mutter, “God, they keep it pretty dark in here, huh?” as his family quietly waited for him to select an appetizer the way a crew on an archaeological dig might eagerly await the revelation of a secret recorded in the dead language of a lost civilization. At press time, reports confirmed the surprised table suddenly turned toward the approaching ominous sounds of a sizzling fajita platter that Kurinsky had summoned from the mysterious text.
‘There’s A Razor On The Sink,’ Says Nurse Sending Patient To Bathroom To Fill Up Cup With Blood #~# NORMAN, OK—Assuring the man it was “all routine,” local registered nurse Danielle Fitzpatrick reportedly told a patient, “There’s a razor on the sink,” Tuesday while pointing him toward the bathroom where he could fill up a cup with blood. “It may be difficult to get it all into the cup, but do your best and we’ll clean up afterwards,” said Fitzpatrick, who instructed the patient to place the container in the deposit hatch in the wall and then come crawling back into the hallway when he was finished. “About halfway up the cup is fine—no need to make it overflow. Beside the razor there should also be a small stress ball you can squeeze. If you still find yourself having trouble, have a sip of water while you think about how little your life has amounted to. Just try to relax.” At press time, the blood test results had indicated the dead man was in perfect health.
Scientists Grow Plant Seeds In Lunar Soil For First Time #~# Scientists have grown plants for the first time in lunar soil brought back to Earth by Apollo astronauts over 50 years ago, calling it an important step towards making long-term stays on the moon possible one day. What do you think?
Things No One Tells You About Moving Back To Your Hometown #~# Giving up on your dreams isn’t always as pathetic as it sounds! Here are things no one tells you about moving back to your hometown as an adult.
New York City Mayor Signs Law Requiring Job Postings To Include Minimum And Maximum Salary #~# New York City mayor Eric Adams signed the Salary Disclosure Law, which makes it illegal to post any job listing that doesn’t include the minimum and maximum salary offered for the position, in order to provide greater transparency for job seekers. What do you think?
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# BUFFALO, NY—In the hours following a violent rampage in upstate New York in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured three others,  citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing  routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to  prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy,  but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do  to stop them,” said New York resident Anthony Grady, echoing sentiments  expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation  where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in  the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of  gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but  what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this  individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what  they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically  advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have  occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to  themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
CIA Criticized For Use Of Abusive Etiquette Coaches In Black Site Finishing Schools #~# NEUCHATEL, SWITZERLAND—In  a damning indictment of the agency’s own social graces, the CIA came under intense scrutiny Monday after officials declassified a report detailing the foreign intelligence service’s use of abusive etiquette coaches in previously undisclosed black site finishing schools.
Nestlé Pledges 10% Of Profits To Help Fund Genocide In Developing Countries #~# VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—In keeping with its core business principles and ongoing pledge to provide assistance to war criminals in need, international food processing giant Nestlé pledged Monday to set aside 10% of its profits to help fund genocide in developing countries. “We believe it is our responsibility as a corporate citizen to give back to the global community, and that is why one out of every 10 dollars we earn will hence forth be used to support ethnic cleansing operations in the countries where we do business,” said CEO Ulf Mark Schneider, describing his deeply held belief that Nestlé had an obligation to work hand in hand with authoritarian governments to address the issue of ethnic minorities who have been deprived of wholesale slaughter. “That means every year we’ll donate more than a billion dollars to build the vital infrastructure necessary to eliminate unwanted races and cultures from woefully overlooked parts of the globe. Whether it’s providing funds for extermination camps, forced sterilizations, or just plain old blade-on-bone massacre, this effort will remain at the forefront of Nestlé’s philanthropic endeavors for years to come.” Schneider went on to assure shareholders that the new initiative would not interfere with Nestlé’s longstanding practice of investing in employment opportunities by building supply chains that rely upon the forced labor of children.
Nation’s Elderly Announce Plan To Be Sad And Lonely All The Time #~# BOCA RATON, FL—Addressing a retirement community bingo hall filled to capacity with empty folding chairs, the nation’s elderly announced Friday an ambitious and far-reaching new plan to be sad and lonely all the time. “Moving forward, we intend to be extremely depressed every second of every day with no one to turn to in times of increasing isolation,” Gordon Mayhew, 84, said on behalf of the country’s old people, who confirmed they would dedicate their few remaining years to puttering around aimlessly in silence while those younger than them failed to even acknowledge their existence. “As the people we share memories with continue to die off, we have resolved to feel even less loved and more hopeless with each passing day. It will be as if we are already dead as we stare blankly out the window at a world that long ago passed us by. So when you see us, feel free to avoid eye contact and pretend we aren’t here. Soon enough we won’t be.” The nation’s elderly went on to say that in addition to being sad and lonely, they also planned for their bodies not to be found until  several days after they died.
Things Robbers Always Look For When Casing A House #~# Burglaries are easily preventable, especially if you have a gun. Here are things robbers always look for when casing a house.
Barber Sedates Nervous Man Before Haircut #~# CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA—In an effort to create a more relaxed and safe environment for himself and the other customers,  a local barber reportedly sedated a nervous man Monday before his haircut. “He seemed like he might start biting people, so this just made it easier for everyone,” said Reggie Allen, the owner of Reggie’s Barbershop, detailing that this was a standard procedure for some of his more excitable patrons who weren’t trained as well in interacting with others. “He was getting way too riled up from seeing the other men. Not to worry though, this sedative guarantees he doesn’t feel any pain, it’s better this way. Now that he’s knocked out I can take some inches off the top without him panicking about what length of clippers he wants.” At press time, the man suddenly woke up, ran into the street, and was hit by a car.
Every Radio Station In Rural Area Playing Same Stupid Emergency Tornado Warning #~# SLAPOUT, OK—Bemoaning the complete lack of cultural diversity in the barren stretch of prairie, sources confirmed Monday that every radio station in  rural Oklahoma was playing the same stupid emergency tornado warning.  “How are these hicks not bored out of their skulls hearing nothing but  these dumb weather advisories up and down the dial?” said New York  resident Joanne Block, who scanned from station to station in the futile  hope of finding something more interesting before she resigned  herself to spending the next hour or so listening to the same monotonous messages imploring  listeners to take shelter immediately. “God, I bet the hayseeds around  here really love this inane crap about 115-mile-per-hour winds and  low atmospheric pressure. Ugh, and there’s zero variation no matter what station you’re on. It all sounds like it’s written about the same  stupid tornado, too.” At press time, Block added that she much preferred the  emergency flood warnings she had back on the coast.
James Cromwell Glues Hand To Starbucks Counter To Protest Surcharge For Plant-Based Milk #~# Eighty-two-year-old Succession actor and activist James Cromwell super-glued his hand to a midtown Manhattan Starbucks counter in a PETA-organized protest denouncing the coffee chain’s extra charge for plant-based milk. What do you think?
Biden Administration Capping Cost of Internet For Low-Income Americans #~# The White House has announced it will partner with internet providers to lower the cost of high-speed internet plans for 48 million low-income Americans, providing plans of at least 100 Megabits per second of speed for no more than $30. What do you think?
Man Doesn’t Understand Why Mothers Facing Formula Shortage Don’t Just Feed Baby Breast Meat #~# PENSACOLA, FL—Remarking upon what he called the “unbelievable laziness” of American women, a local man reported Friday that he simply could not understand why mothers facing the nationwide baby formula shortage wouldn’t just feed their infants breast meat. “That’s what you have them for, right? You can get several ounces of good meat out of each breast,” said area 34-year-old Randall Probst, explaining that the supply chain issues shouldn’t be a big deal, as women’s breasts begin to produce significant quantities of meat during the second trimester of pregnancy. “Nature has already provided a solution to this so-called ‘problem,’ and it’s pretty obvious. In fact, it’s what these moms should have been doing in the first place, because breast meat has way more nutrients than store-bought formula. Just put your breast in the kid’s mouth, and get them to take a big bite out of it. Mothers have been feeding their babies this way since the beginning of time.” Probst added that while women may feel a little pinch when an infant is tearing off and chewing pieces of their breast, he’s heard that after a while it becomes a pleasurable bonding experience.
Heroic Passenger Provides Emergency Beverage Service After Flight Attendant Falls Ill #~# BOCA RATON, FL—In a feat stunned observers called “miraculous” and “inspiring,” courageous passenger Erica Spencer, 36, reportedly provided emergency beverage service Thursday after the sole flight attendant fell ill on an American Airlines flight from Miami to Boston. “You could tell she was really scared—her hands were shaking, and she kept repeating ‘I have no idea what I’m doing’ as she opened each soda can, but she kept on going anyway,” said fellow passenger Deanna Lunsford, who confirmed that despite Spencer’s complete lack of formal training, she had managed to serve a complimentary beverage to every person on board. “She saw the flight attendant collapse and knew someone had to step up. We were all holding our breath when that guy in first class ordered a Bloody Mary, but she kept it together and at the last second managed to get some vodka, V8, and ice into a cup on his tray table. She even managed to calmly collect all the trash to ensure none of it ended up in the seat pocket.” Reached for comment, Spencer credited a flight attendant at air traffic control with talking her through the hardest parts, like substituting pretzels for almonds when a passenger mentioned his nut allergy.
What You Need To Know About Microplastics #~# Microplastics were recently found in human blood for the first time, leading to questions about what they are and how they could affect people’s health. The Onion answers common questions about microplastics.
Passenger With No Flight Experience Lands Plane After Pilot Becomes Incapacitated #~# A passenger with no flying experience managed to successfully land a small plane in Florida with the help of an air traffic controller after the pilot became “incoherent” following a medical emergency. What do you think?
Biggest Reasons Why Americans Are Leaving Big Cities #~# No, it’s not because of you. While all your friends may be abandoning you to move to smaller towns, it’s part of a nationwide trend. Here are the top reasons why Americans are leaving big cities.
Respectful Bear Waiting To Attack Tent Until Couple Inside Finishes Fight #~# FAIRBANKS, AK—Saying the pair sounded as if they were going through enough as it was, a respectful grizzly bear told reporters Friday that he was waiting to attack a tent until the couple inside had finished their fight. “I don’t want to make anything worse by barging in and mauling them while they’re in the middle of a big blowout argument,” said the bear, who added that while he was very hungry, his decision to hold off on devouring the campers would save him from an incredibly awkward situation and would save the couple from unnecessary embarrassment. “They seem to be going through a lot in there, so it only makes sense to give them a little space right now. Still, the second she storms out of that tent in a huff, I’m ripping them both limb from limb.” At press time, the bear confirmed he remained hungry, having decided the courteous thing to do would be to wait to enter the tent until the couple had finished having make-up sex. 
Study Finds Over 60% Of Men Suffer From Male-Pattern Head Loss #~# CHICAGO—Finding that a majority of men are likely to experience some form of it during their lifetime, a study published Friday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association concluded that over 60% of men will suffer from male-pattern head loss. “A condition that afflicts around 3 in 5 men, male-pattern head loss first presents itself with a receding neckline and continues with the subject gradually losing most of his skull until a horseshoe formation of bone is all that remains,” said study co-author and research physician Matt Nellermoe, observing that while some men embrace their head loss, others will wear hats or toupées in an attempt to cover up their thinning craniums. “Despite head loss being an overwhelmingly common development, men are often stigmatized when they lose all or part of their head. Many men say they feel less confident and less sexy without a head, though surveys find they are often rated more attractive once they no longer have theirs.” Nellermoe added that while head loss was nothing to be ashamed of, men do have the option of consulting one of the many head restoration specialists who transplant fresh new human heads onto their clients’ necks.
Plan B Unveils Emergency Team Of Brawny Men To Shake Down Impregnator For Abortion Money #~# PITTSBURGH—In what is being hailed as a revolutionary advancement in women’s reproductive healthcare, Foundation Consumer Brands, the maker of Plan B One-Step, held a press conference Friday to introduce its new emergency team of brawny men who shake down impregnators for abortion money. “Our latest birth control product, Plan C, gives women the option to have a safe and affordable abortion by sending a group of street toughs to strong-arm the person who got her pregnant into shelling out 500 bucks to pay for it,” said company representative Monica Tollemache, adding that a woman would be able to go to any local pharmacy and purchase a low-cost team of burly thugs who could induce an abortion payment while the woman remained in the comfort of her own home. “Plan C is up to 99% effective in forcing that loser to cough up the cash when a beatdown is administered within one week after payday. While we do not recommend this product for routine use, we do recognize that a woman should be able to decide for herself whether the guy who knocked her up needs to be thrown against a wall in an alley and threatened, or even marched at gunpoint directly to an ATM.” Tollemache added that Plan C’s side effects were frequent but limited to intense physical pain for the impregnator. 
Commencement Speaker Some Rando Who Pioneered Lifesaving Medical Research #~# LOS ANGELES—Complaining that he droned on about “futures” and “potentials” during his address at their college graduation Friday, students at the University of Southern California reported that their commencement speaker was some rando who had pioneered lifesaving medical research. “I assumed they’d have someone like Ben Affleck or Oprah, but I’ve never even heard of this guy,” said graduate Alyssa Lopez, who expressed boredom with the speech given by a completely forgettable Nobel Prize–winning cancer researcher whose groundbreaking work on T cells had led to the development of powerful immunotherapies and saved countless lives. “I already sat through four years of classes, and now I have to sit here listening to some no-name before I can get my diploma? USC had Will Ferrell a few years ago. Why couldn’t they just get him again? ’Cause this fucking sucks.” At press time, the graduating class had reportedly erupted into applause following the speech given by a local mattress store owner known to students from billboard and TV ads.  
Apple Discontinuing iPod After 21 Years #~# Apple has announced that it is discontinuing the iPod, which debuted in 2001 as the first MP3 player capable of storing 1,000 songs, the product now considered redundant as later versions increasingly resembled smartphones with similar features. What do you think?
Tom Brady’s Announcing Deal Includes Incentives For Number Of Verbs Used #~# LOS ANGELES—Additional details released Thursday regarding Tom Brady’s 10-year, $375 million announcing deal with Fox Sports revealed the seven-time Super Bowl champion’s contract includes incentives based on the number of verbs he uses. “Performance bonuses are necessary to land an announcer of Tom’s caliber, which is why he’ll receive an extra $750,000 every time he tops 20,000 action verbs in a season,” said Eric Shanks, CEO of Fox Sports Media Group, who also confirmed initial rumors that the NFL legend and future color commentator would receive $10,000 every time he used more than two verbs in a sentence. “We’re really excited to welcome Tom Brady into the Fox Sports family, and we can’t wait to see what nouns, verbs, and adjectives he brings to the table. He’ll be a strong source of participles and gerunds in the broadcast booth, and if he can manage to string his clauses together without relying too much on the passive voice, we’re confident he’ll be the best broadcaster in the game.” Brady’s contract, the most lucrative ever given to an announcer, also reportedly dwarfs the bonuses CBS announcer Tony Romo receives every time he uses the future tense. 
Google Maps Adds Shortcuts Through Houses Of People Google Knows Aren’t Home Right Now #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the new feature as an efficient way for users to reach their destinations faster, Google Maps  announced Thursday its service would now suggest shortcuts through the houses of people Google knows aren’t home at the moment. “With this update, most destinations will offer the option to select routes on which Google’s real-time phone-tracking data indicates a residence, office, or commercial establishment is entirely unoccupied, and will give users directions through the doors, windows, fences, and yards to provide the speediest option,” said Christopher Phillips, head of Google’s Geo team, adding that the feature would provide the optimized navigation routes for pedestrians, cyclists, and even drivers. “Our intuitive user interface leverages real-time location monitoring to indicate whether a house is unoccupied by having it appear green on the map, and using a star to indicate whether the home is unlocked. Our analytics team knows exactly when the occupants have left, where they are, and when they’re going to return home, so you can also select different times for your travel to discover when you’re likely to have the fastest and most direct route through empty houses. We also utilize grocery data to determine whether the homeowner has gone shopping recently and has some good snacks in their home that you can grab off the counter on your way.” The company also announced a suite of new  features for its Google Maps Premium Plan, including one that barrages homeowners on a subscriber’s optimal route with product recommendations until they go shopping, leaving their houses empty and available to take shortcuts through.
Study Finds Only 2% Of Americans Can Draw Cool Flames #~# PITTSBURGH—Fears that the U.S. education system was growing increasingly lame were confirmed Thursday when an alarming study by researchers at Carnegie Mellon University found that only 2% of the nation’s population can draw cool flames. “Among our frankly disturbing findings was that 98 in 100 Americans have absolutely no capacity to sketch flames that could remotely be described as badass, much less totally bitchin’,” said study co-author Keela Douglas, adding that the data further revealed that less than half of Americans who can draw cool flames are able to actually incorporate those flames into something that looks fucking sick, like a skull, sports car, or bald eagle. “While we concluded that around 15% of Americans can draw flames, the vast majority of those are flames that look realistic but aren’t cool as hell at all. In at least 30% of ostensible flame drawings, our study found that they look more like shitty-ass Christmas trees. It’s a sad state of affairs for America, a country where as recently as 1970 over 80% of U.S. residents could draw flames with some degree of coolness.” The study comes on the heels of related research at the University of Texas at Austin that found that over 85% of Americans can only carve lame shit into their desks like emo lyrics or a heart.
Disrobing Austrian Man Asks World To Give Themselves Over To Pleasure #~# MÜRZZUSCHLAG,  AUSTRIA—Speaking at a press conference held at a resort high in the Semmering Pass, Austrian man Fritz Hörbiger reportedly asked the world to give themselves  over to pleasure Thursday while slowly disrobing. “Please, I ask you to  hear me out and surrender to fleshly delight,” said the  Austrian multimillionaire, unfastening his cashmere  bathing gown and suggestively lowering it to reveal his already erect  nipples as he implored the world to not ignore their self-evident  temptations. “Oh, the body is a conduit of pleasure, yes? And there is  only so much time. So we must drink in the pleasures that will come while we can. Do you not agree?”  At press time, the Austrian industrialist had reportedly burst into  tears after prematurely ejaculating and screamed that everyone had to get out.
Surprising Benefits McDonald’s Workers Get In Denmark #~# McDonald’s workers in America would flip if they ever got a break long enough to read this. Here are the most surprising benefits that McDonald’s employees get in Denmark.
1,000-Year-Old Cave Carvings Of Mysterious Giant Humanoids Discovered In Alabama #~# Researchers discovered a large collection of Native American cave art carvings in Alabama using 3D scanning technology to reveal thousands of carvings, including life-size anthropomorphs thought to possibly represent supernatural beings of the underworld. What do you think?
Study: 93% Of Districts In Major U.S. Cities Unaffordable To Black Residents #~# A new study has found that 93% of neighborhoods in America’s major cities were unaffordable to the majority of local Black residents, while the majority of affordable zip codes were “low-opportunity” neighborhoods. What do you think?
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With North Carolina Representative Madison Cawthorn #~# The Onion: Are you going to honestly answer any question we ask in this interview? 
PetSmart Unveils New Waterboarding Kit For Teaching Cats To Stay Off Counters #~# PHOENIX—Touting the product as an easy and effective way to train animal companions, PetSmart unveiled a new waterboarding kit Wednesday for teaching cats to stay off counters. “They say you can’t train a cat, but we at PetSmart guarantee this is one behavioral conditioning method your little kitty will never forget,” said CEO J.K. Symancyk, who assured customers that the product was perfectly safe to use on all beloved animal friends given that the damage it inflicted was merely psychological. “If there’s one thing cats hate, it’s a little bit of water. You’ll be surprised by how quickly your cat builds an association between jumping onto counters and simulated drowning. It also comes with free zip ties to ensure your precious pet never jumps on the kitchen countertops again.” At press time, sources confirmed the company had recalled the product following reports that cats wouldn’t stop trying to eat the cloth draped over their face.
Pros And Cons Of Protesting At Politicians’ Homes #~# An abortion-rights protest over the weekend at Supreme Court justice Brett Kavanaugh’s home  stoked controversy over whether it’s appropriate to protest a public official’s policies at their private residence. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of protesting at politicians’ homes.
‘Well, At Least You Had Fun,’ Says Mother In Most Devastating Takedown Of Wedding Yet #~# RANCHO PALOS VERDES, CA—Commenting on the many “interesting choices” for the special day, local mother Patricia Kenny announced Wednesday that “at least you had fun” in the most devastating takedown of her daughter’s wedding yet. “You know, honey, it’s definitely not how I would have wanted to celebrate the biggest day of my life, but you looked so happy, and that’s what matters most,” said Kenny in a scorched-earth attack, adding that while she probably would have done things differently when it came to music, food, dress, guest list, and cake, it was still very special because it was all about her. “After all, it wasn’t my wedding, and the most important thing is that you had a good time. And the whole thing was just so you! I can tell you really tried to make it your own.” At press time, Kenny had reportedly delivered a fatal kill shot to the wedding by adding that even though her daughter didn’t lose all the weight she had intended, she still looked “nice” in her dress.
Study Finds Thanking Veterans For Their Service Immediately Triggers PTSD #~# NEW YORK—Confirming the practice to be the single-most common cause for inducing symptoms of the mental health condition, a Deloitte study released Wednesday found that thanking military veterans for their service immediately triggers their PTSD. “Post-traumatic stress disorder is an under-studied phenomenon, but we’ve made a major breakthrough in our find that the main cause of PTSD symptoms is someone coming up to a veteran in the store or at the airport and thanking them for serving their country,” said study co-author William Bridge, adding that in over 90% of cases across all veteran demographics, a child or elderly person saluting a veteran, smiling, and saying thank you immediately plunged the veteran into fevered, psychologically crippling memories of their time in a war zone. “For the vast majority of veterans, the moment they see a civilian’s hand raised in salute or coming forward to shake their own, it’s like a gun being pointed directly at their face. Our findings indicate that most veterans begin perspiring heavily, shaking, and feeling like the walls are closing in around them at the sight of a sign in a window thanking our troops. The smiling visage of a mother in a grocery store praising their bravery immediately transforms into a series of fellow soldiers choking out their last breaths and innocent civilians who were killed as the result of a botched raid. We found that although the practice of thanking veterans is widespread, it serves to brutally drown them in a series of horrible flashbacks. Our study also found that the bigger the gesture, the worse the PTSD symptoms, with situations like having an entire stadium applaud for them to be the most traumatic moment of their lives. The best way to prevent PTSD symptoms in veterans is to actually avoid mentioning America when you’re around them.” The findings come on the heels of a related study, which found that in 83% of cases, specifically thanking soldiers for defending our freedom immediately triggers a philosophical crisis around the idea that Americans don’t understand the concept of freedom and are much less free than they think.
Nationwide Baby Formula Shortage Worsening #~# Nearly 40% of popular baby formula brands are sold out at retailers across the U.S. due to an increase in demand and a recent recall from one of the country’s biggest infant formula plants. What do you think?
‘I’m From Michigan, Too,’ Says Man Hitting It Off With Locally Grown Lettuce #~# CHICAGO—Reportedly hitting it off with a fellow native of the Great Lakes State he bumped into Wednesday, area man Dan McAdams was overheard saying, “I’m from Michigan, too!” when he encountered a package of lettuce grown in the state. “That’s crazy! I’m from Benton Harbor—what about you?” asked McAdams, 62, beaming widely as he pulled out his phone to search the name of the organic lettuce’s farm, which caused him to jump up and down with glee when he discovered it was only a 20-minute drive from where he grew up. “I can’t believe you were raised in Berrien County just a couple towns away from me! Back in high school, our football team played yours every year. I actually grew up with a lot of lettuce. So, how long have you been in the city?” At press time, McAdams was insisting the lettuce give him its information so they could potentially carpool home for the holidays.
‘New York Times’ Drops ‘Fetus’ As Wordle Solution #~# The New York Times has removed the word “fetus” from Monday’s Wordle answers in a bid to keep the popular online game “distinct from the news” after last week’s leaked Roe v. Wade supreme court draft ruling, ultimately causing confusion as it was only implemented for some of the game’s players. What do you think?
Missouri Welcomes Women Unable To Get Arrested For Abortion In Home State #~# JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Pledging to remain a haven for residents of surrounding states if Roe v. Wade is overturned, Gov. Mike Parson announced Tuesday that Missouri will welcome any and all abortion seekers who travel there from their home state in order to get arrested. “We’re ready to welcome these abortion seekers with open arms and provide safe and immediate access to criminal charges that they won’t receive in their home state,” said the Republican governor, stressing that no one crossing Missouri state lines would need to provide medical information or explain why they needed the abortion, as his state would perform the arrests with “no questions asked” and without any exceptions for medical necessity, rape, or incest. “We aim to be a sanctuary in the Midwest for anyone who needs this service, and we find it unfair—and, frankly, unconstitutional—that our neighboring states are not making women’s imprisonment for reproductive care a top priority. Many of the women in need of these services are impoverished to begin with, and having to travel across state lines to seek punishment puts an undue burden on them and their families, which is why we’re currently funding a new initiative that would cover transportation costs to get these women into our custody as quickly and efficiently as possible. No one, no matter their circumstances in life, should fear the consequences of receiving an abortion and still having agency over their own life.” At press time, Parson signed an executive trigger law codifying the right to be put to death for inquiring about contraception.
Man Charged With Murdering His Wife Wins Indiana GOP Primary #~# A central Indiana man accused of murdering his wife and dumping her body in a creek in March has advanced in a Republican primary election for township board, winning close to 22% of the total 276 votes, while awaiting trial in jail. What do you think?
Bombshell Report Finds Democrats Conspiring With Bookie To Deliberately Throw Midterms #~# WASHINGTON—In a shocking revelation that alleged the party would receive money in exchange for taking a dive, a bombshell report released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution found that Democrats were conspiring with their bookie to deliberately throw the 2022 midterms. “The evidence appears increasingly clear that the Democratic Party has been working with a Las Vegas bookmaker to profit handsomely from its efforts to intentionally lose as many of this November’s elections as possible,” the nonpartisan think tank’s report read in part, going on to state that the party’s public infighting and inability to pass substantive and popular reforms stemmed in actuality from their intention to rake in a huge cash windfall when the election doesn’t go their way. “Not only did the Democrats cut a deal with their bookie to get a big piece of the action when they lose the House, but the payout appears to more than double if and when they lose the Senate majority. This plan appears to have been in the works for the past two years, with Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) agreeing to be the fall guy.” According to the report, the arrangement with the bookie also included an unspoken understanding that if the Democrats still  retained control of Congress after the midterms, their party leaders would be “fish food.”
Study Finds Flying On Airplane Far Safer Than Flying In Car #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In an effort to dispel long-standing misconceptions surrounding aviation safety, researchers at the University of Virginia released a comprehensive new study Tuesday that determined flying on an airplane is far safer than flying in a car. “While fear of airplanes remains common among the American public, our study concludes you are 99.9% less likely to be in any kind of accident on an airplane than you would be if you were soaring wildly off a half-finished bridge in a souped-up old Mustang,” said transportation safety engineer Timothy Sayers, lead author of the study, which appears to have definitively established that commercial airliners, small private jets, and even those little propeller planes that can land on water are dramatically safer than every kind of airborne motor vehicle. “It’s interesting, because there’s so much paranoia around planes, but people won’t think twice about hopping in a muscle car and speeding off a ramp in an attempt to jump a canyon that no one has successfully made it across before. Statistically speaking, there’s little to worry about on a plane, but flying cars, on the other hand, crash approximately 5 million times each year.” Morton went on to confirm that attempting to fly in a car was one of the leading causes of death in the United States.
Shell Announces Plans To Plant Single Tree For Every Irreversible Planetary Disaster It Causes #~# LONDON—Describing the initiative as its most far-reaching contribution yet to the climate fight, multinational oil company Shell announced plans Tuesday to plant a single tree for every irreversible planet-wide disaster it causes. “We want to become part of the solution, and that’s why we’re proud to unveil our new One-for-One initiative, which will see us planting a single cedar tree for each deadly global catastrophe we’ve personally created,” said Shell CEO Ben van Beurden, admitting that the petroleum conglomerate’s 115-year history had been less than stellar and setting a clear timeline that would see a tree planted by 2030 to make amends for the first mass-casualty phenomenon the company had inflicted upon the world. “So far, it’s one tree total. But if we ever set into motion another cataclysmic process that kills millions of people and displaces many more, we’ll be right out there planting a second tree. Who knows? Maybe there’s even a third tree in the cards.” At press time, an external audit found that budget concerns had forced Shell to shift gears and instead plant a small shrub.
Dad Delivers Annual State Of The Lawn Address #~# NAPERVILLE, IL—Addressing members of the household from a front yard lectern, local dad Jim Martin delivered his annual state of the lawn speech Tuesday, according to reports from those in attendance. “Honey, kids, I am promising you right now, this year will bring a fuller, greener, and more robust lawn for everybody to enjoy, so long as we follow my plan and stick to the budget,” Martin said in the highly anticipated speech given each spring, proceeding to lay out an ambitious agenda for a quarter acre that had seen its ups and downs in recent years—including a large hole that none of the family’s children have owned up to—and then detailing a five-year plan to overhaul the sprinkler infrastructure. “I’m not going to sugarcoat things. The lawn is patchy, we have moles, and, between the powdery mildew and the crabgrass, it’s going to be a damn tough year. It’s tempting to give up and let the weeds take over, I know, but that’s not who the Martins are. We can replant and fertilize and come back better, stronger, and more evenly sown than ever. It won’t be easy. We’re going to need multiple applications of insecticide to keep those grubs at bay. And there are sacrifices to be made. We’re all just going to have to stay off those seedlings near the shed until the turf over there is tough enough to withstand the foot traffic. But make no mistake: The state of our lawn is strong.” Martin went on to say that he would not be taking questions about his controversial practice of mowing super early on Saturday mornings.
Rideshare Drivers Describe Their Worst Experience With A Customer #~# In today’s gig economy, rideshare drivers receive zero protections but are forced to risk their lives for customers. The Onion asked  drivers to describe their worst experience, and this is what they said.
Louisiana Lawmakers Advance Bill To Classify Abortion As Homicide #~# Louisiana lawmakers have advanced a bill that would abolish abortion in the state, grant constitutional rights to “all unborn children from the moment of fertilization,” and classify abortion as a homicide crime. What do you think?
New HGTV Show Sends Couple To Old Houses To Call Them Disgusting #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Calling the series perfect for the cable network’s lineup of real estate and home improvement shows, HGTV president Jane Latman announced Monday the launch of a new program that sends a couple to old houses around the country to call them disgusting. “Every week, our fun and engaging hosts Curt and Kelly will visit several different houses to point out to the owners how gross their homes are and how they can’t believe anyone could live in such a distasteful and repulsive place,” said Latman, explaining that the show will be the first in which the network’s married hosts focus exclusively on just how revolted they are with the yard, the kitchen, and the color of the house, while also mocking the homeowners for the way they live. “Though they may not always agree on their exact level of disgust, Curt and Kelly will be sure to walk viewers through these homes while expressing horror at the nauseating lighting and contempt for the pathetic attempts at interior decor. There will be no buying, selling, renovations, makeovers, or even tips for how homeowners can improve their dump of a home, just the insults and humiliations that our network’s fans love.” Latman added that the new show Total Shitholes will be premiering next Tuesday at 8 p.m. Eastern and 7 p.m. Central on HGTV.
Pharmacists Warn Against Sharing Prescription Drugs With Someone Who Wouldn’t Do Same For You #~# WASHINGTON—After reporting a sharp rise in the risky behavior, the American Pharmacists Association held a press conference Monday to warn patients not to share their prescription drugs with anyone who wouldn’t do the same for them. “It’s important never to give any of your prescribed medications to another person unless you’re absolutely sure that, in a similar situation, that person would be happy to let you bum a Xanax or Adderall from them,” said association spokesperson John Margraff, emphasizing how common it was for a prescription opioid to be shared with a friend and for that friend to neglect the unspoken understanding that they should be willing to share something of equal or better quality in return. “Remember, anytime you share a drug with someone who doesn’t have a prescription for anything good themselves, there is an extremely high risk that individual will not be in a position to return the favor in the future. It’s frankly irresponsible and reckless to set yourself up to become a source of drugs for a person who can’t reciprocate. You’re likely to wind up surrounded by empty pill bottles and none of the medication you yourself need to take the edge off.” Margraff concluded the press conference by asking if any reporters present would be able to spot him a few Oxys or Vicodins just to get him through the rest of the month.
Louisiana Police Officer Plants Aborted Fetus On Black Suspect #~# MANDEVILLE, LA—Shining his flashlight into the driver’s face and feigning surprise as he “discovered” the incriminating evidence, a Louisiana police officer planted an aborted fetus on a Black suspect whom he subsequently arrested, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh ho, ho, ho! Look what we have here—you mind telling me what this is doing in your vehicle, sir?” said Officer Clarence Philbank, who reportedly silenced the frightened  suspect amid his protests that the aborted fetus in the glove box wasn’t his, and then went on to plant additional underdeveloped fetuses in the trunk of the African American man’s car. “Hmm, looks like you got a whole bunch of this stuff in the trunk, too. You do know this is strictly prohibited, right? Things aren’t looking too good for you, my friend. Afraid I’m gonna have to take you down to the station.” According to reports, the officer later claimed the suspect was carrying an unregistered deadly weapon after slipping a speculum into the Black man’s pocket.
Conservatives Explain What Free Speech Means To Them #~# “Free speech is getting to say the N-word, or any racial slur, without fear of demonization or persecution.”
Study Shows Mothers Who Outearn Husbands Also Do More Housework #~# A new study has found that moms actually take on more housework when their salary exceeds their husband’s, with the weekly amount of housework for fathers decreasing from their average of seven hours per week, while mothers’ housework starts increasing from 14 hours per week as her salary begins to eclipse her partner’s. What do you think?
Longtime Farmers Market Vendor Knows Enthusiasm For New Jam Guy Will Eventually Fade #~# CLEVELAND—Revealing  that he had seen the same old thing happen over and over again, longtime  farmers market vendor Bruce Spelman told reporters this week that he  knew the enthusiasm for the new jam guy would eventually fade. “Yes,  yes, they all fawn over the newcomer for a week or two, but soon the  novelty of organic jams will melt away, and everyone will come crawling  back to fresh produce,” said Spelman, pointing to the  long-neglected pickled vegetable and clover honey  stands—both of them once the hotshot new vendor at the Green Garden Market—as proof  that the blush of youth would soon fade from Javier’s Fresh Jams. “Where  is the hard kombucha stand now? Where are the vegan empanadas? Gone  forever. Like so many vendors before it, this jam-based empire is built of sand. I  will smile and nod as they hand out their free samples of jalapeño jam  in tiny cups, but soon enough such dreams will vanish like a mist in the  morning sun. Nothing like this lasts.” At press time, Spelman had  reportedly cast a knowing glance at the dust-covered empty table where  the raclette cheese vendor sat just weeks ago.
Grieving Family Comes To Terms With Grandmother’s Death By Accepting That She Sucked #~# TOPEKA, KS—Gathering to commemorate the loss of the family matriarch, relatives of local deceased woman Barbara King, 87, reportedly came to terms with their grandmother’s death Monday by accepting the fact that she totally sucked. “Sharing photos and stories about Grandma Babs has been an important part of the grieving process, as it reminded us all how truly fucking awful she was,” said King’s granddaughter Carolyn Strause, 23, who recalled a handful of her own poignant memories in which her only living grandparent joyfully spent one-on-one time with her criticizing her weight, romantic partners, and other life choices. “This is how we can honor her legacy of being a raging bitch, and remember her in the way she deserves to be remembered, as the worst goddamn person who ever lived. She managed to raise four kids alone, after all, and not a single one of them had something nice to say about her. I actually teared up during the eulogy once I realized I would never hear her scratchy, bitter voice again. Thank God.” At press time, Strause was seen sobbing over missing her chance to tell her grandmother to fuck off.
Teacher Embarrassed After Student Recognizes Her Working At Second Job #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Trying to shrink down on the bench where the girl couldn’t see her, local teacher Sabrina Ionescu was reportedly embarrassed Saturday after a student recognized her working at a second job. “Oh, shit, she’s waving at me,” the seventh-grade history teacher was  heard to utter, reportedly hoping that the student would understand that she couldn’t acknowledge her while she was working her after-hours gig as a backup shooting guard for the New York Liberty. “I don’t tell my students about this, but I can’t make ends meet on a teacher’s salary, so I had to get another job. Of course, this one doesn’t fully pay the bills, either, so I’m stuck working both just to keep a roof over my head. Plus, if they find out that I’m also working as a teacher, the Liberty might fire me. I can’t afford to lose either of them.” At press time, sources confirmed Ionescu was trying to surreptitiously return to the Liberty locker room to avoid the student who was walking right toward her.
Fascinated God Attends His First Shabbat Dinner #~# JERSEY CITY, NJ—Asking lots of questions about all the novel food items and charming rituals, Yahweh, Our Lord God and Creator, reportedly attended His first Shabbat dinner Friday night and was delighted by the experience. “Wow, I can’t believe I’ve never been to one of these before—it’s so interesting!” said the Eternal One, whose intonation of the words “LET THERE BE LIGHT” was heard for miles around when His host asked if He wouldn’t mind turning on the lights in the dining room. “I admit I was a little nervous that I wouldn’t know all the rules, but anytime I wasn’t sure what to do, My friend Dan would whisper in My ear and let Me know. If I’m being honest, I’m not super religious, but I really do appreciate the tradition and ceremony of it all. Plus, I got to wear a yarmulke for the first time, which was neat.” At press time, Shabbat dinner attendees confirmed God was singing “Shalom Aleichem” louder and more enthusiastically than anyone else at the table. 
Satanic Temple Asks Boston To Fly Flag After Supreme Court Ruling #~# The Satanic Temple has requested to fly its flag over Boston City Hall after a recent Supreme Court ruling that the city violated a Christian group’s constitutional free speech rights by refusing to raise a flag bearing the image of a cross. What do you think?
Study Finds Average Giant Swallows 8 Americans In Sleep Every Year #~# WASHINGTON—A  study released Friday by the National Sleep Foundation found that the  average giant swallows as many as eight Americans in their sleep every year. “Our  research indicates that slumbering giants swallow a small but  statistically significant number of Americans per year, often after  the pests unwittingly stumble through a crack in the walls of the giant’s  castle,” said study author Dr. Sandra Friedman-Hart, admitting that it  may be unpleasant for some giants to imagine the tiny creatures clambering  onto their gargantuan sleeping bodies or accidentally tripping into their  open mouths as they snored. “Some giants may be concerned about the  health risk posed by ingesting Americans, but I’m happy to report that  there’s really nothing to be worried about. Inhaling an American here or  there really isn’t going to hurt you.” Friedman-Hart added that as a  75-foot-tall giantess herself, she had almost certainly swallowed an  American or two.
Period Tracking App Adds ‘Surrender To Authorities’ Feature #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In order to stay up-to-date with the latest abortion laws and restrictions, period tracker app Cycle announced Friday that it had added a new “surrender to authorities” feature. “Starting today, users who are several days late or fully miss periods can select their crime, call the police, and confess what they did immediately,” said CEO James Raffiel, adding that the app, which used both state and federal police databases, could predict within a few days exactly when women who had had an abortion, taken Plan B, or miscarried had violated the law. “Now women won’t have to wonder if they’re going to jail, they’ll be able to walk outside and already know that dozens of officers are surrounding their house, ready to arrest them for homicide. Plus, the app can read you your Miranda rights, estimate your sentence, and sometimes grant you leniency if you confess. This is the future!” At press time, Cycle had also announced that for an upgrade fee of $3.99 a month, women could choose the prison where they would be incarcerated.
Greatest Moms In U.S. History #~# Love them or hate them, none of us would be the incompetent failures we are today without our moms. In honor of all our nation’s mothers, here are the greatest moms in U.S. history.
Study: Greatest Indicator Of Stress Blowing Hair Off Face While Carrying Complicated Coffee Order For Boss Across Bustling City Streets #~# NEW YORK—According to a large-scale, comprehensive study published Friday in the Journal Of Cognitive Neuropsychology, blowing hair off one’s face while carrying a complicated coffee order for one’s boss across bustling city streets has been identified as the single greatest indicator of stress. “The act of simultaneously running through a busy intersection to make the light, attempting to remove a strand of hair from the field of vision, and balancing several beverages a supervisor has demanded be delivered before the big meeting appears to be the No. 1 cause of anxiety in human populations,” said study co-author Val Martinez of Columbia University, adding that the data collected showed blood pressure rose and muscles tightened as one clutched a phone between the neck and shoulder while telling a significant other that they had to hang up now because they were supposed to be back at the office five minutes ago with a no-foam skim latte, three Americanos, one decaf, and an iced oat milk latte with three pumps of vanilla. “Cortisol levels in the brain spiked dramatically among subjects who had just arrived from a small Midwestern town and were trying to make it in the big city by impressing a powerful person with the successful completion of a needlessly complex task of minimal importance, hoping their grit and determination would be rewarded with a shot at their dream job. Tests also showed that adrenaline levels increased if an individual was shouting, ‘Sorry, excuse me, shit, sorry!’ while narrowly dodging several people on the sidewalk who were yelling obscenities at them for being in the way.” In a related study, researchers discovered that subjects bumping into their office crush and ultimately spilling those same drinks was strongly correlated to an immediate emotional breakdown in a bathroom stall during which they considered giving up and moving back in with their parents.
Potential Roe v. Wade Overturning: How Did We Get Here? #~# The leak of a draft opinion by Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito to overturn the landmark Roe v. Wade case is giving rise to concerns that abortion could be banned in many U.S. states and is leading many Americans to wonder how the nation got to this point. The Onion looks at the major events and people that have shaped the political battle over the 1973 ruling.
Graduation Audience Tears Up After Skeleton Shows Up To Accept Posthumous Degree #~# TUCSON, AZ—Moved by the emotion of the moment, the audience at the University of Arizona’s graduation ceremony reportedly teared up Friday after a skeleton showed up to receive his posthumous degree. “Wow, this is a truly beautiful sight to behold,” said spectator Catherine Talbot, who told reporters she was emotionally overwhelmed by the sight of the deceased student who had returned 70 years after dropping out of the institution and 15 years after dying. “You could tell it meant a lot to him, I mean, to crawl out his grave and travel all the way across the country. It’s so heartwarming to see that big smile on his skull.” At press time, onlookers confirmed the degree holder walked back to his seat, where he embraced his skeleton family.
Diminished James Harden Not Flopping With Same Agility #~# PHILADELPHIA—Responding to questions about his on-court struggles during his team’s playoff series against the Miami Heat, a diminished Philadelphia 76ers guard James Harden admitted Friday that he isn’t flopping with the same agility he used to. “After 13 seasons in the NBA, I’d be lying if I said I could pretend to get fouled with the same quickness that I once did,” said Harden, adding that he found it increasingly difficult to recover from flopping several times in one game so he could be ready to flop at his best in the next one. “When I was younger, I could flop 10, 15 times and be fine, but now I’ll flop once or twice and feel sore for days afterward. I definitely notice that I’ve lost about a half-step after pretending to take a charge, and in this game, you can’t afford to lose even a split second before making an exaggerated overreaction at minimal contact. But ultimately, flopping is a key part of my success in the NBA, so even if my body is on the decline, I’ve just got to figure out a way to flop smarter, not harder.” Harden added that he was hoping to conserve his energy and potentially reduce his playing time in the first half so he could stay fresh should he need to perform a game-winning flop with the series on the line. 
TurboTax To Pay $141 Million Fine For Steering Customers Away From Free Services #~# TurboTax owner Intuit agreed to pay $141 million to settle a claim from all 50 states and the District of Columbia that it deceived nearly 4.4 million Americans into paying for tax services that should have been free. What do you think?
Aliens Making First Contact Excitedly Ask To Meet Princess Di #~# WASHINGTON—Gushing excitedly about their favorite woman in the entire solar system, extraterrestrials from Galaxy 588x43 reportedly asked during their first contact Thursday when they could meet Diana, Princess of Wales. “Greetings, people of Earth, we come in peace, and wish nothing more than to meet our idol, the illustrious Princess Di,” said the aliens, who, after entering Earth’s atmosphere and hovering their spaceship directly above the White House, sent several transmissions in which they swooned over their favorite member of the British royal family. “Oh, Princess Diana! We traveled millions of light-years to meet her! Between her wit, grace, and kindness, there is simply no one better. Look, we have her Beanie Baby. And we even got our hair cut to look just like her! She must be the queen of your planet, no? Now, take us to her!” At press time, the aliens let out an ear-splitting screech, activated their spaceship’s laser cannons, and vaporized the entire Eastern Seaboard after government officials sheepishly admitted that Diana died in 1997. 
Stanford University Receives $1.1 Billion For New Climate School #~# John Doerr, one of Silicon Valley’s most successful venture capitalists, is giving $1.1 billion to Stanford University to fund a school focused on climate change, claiming the study of climate and sustainability will be “the new computer science.” What do you think?
‘What Is This For Again?’ Asks Madison Cawthorn Stripping Nude As Kevin McCarthy Holds Up Camcorder #~# WASHINGTON—Briefly  pausing as he removed his shirt to request one more explanation for why  he was doing this, a half-naked Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-NC) reportedly  asked Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) what all of this was for as the House minority leader held up a camcorder. “Wait, I’m sorry, Kevin, I know you  must have mentioned this before, but why do you need footage of me  slowly stripping?” said Cawthorn, asking if the boom box playing  Ginuwine’s “Pony” could be turned down for a moment as he tried to grasp  exactly how removing his khakis and underwear related to future  committee assignments. “Yeah, I get that you’re saying this is standard  protocol, but what about the leather mask? You want me to put that on?  Okay, I guess… Is this for the Capitol Police archives or something?”  At press time, sources confirmed Cawthorn was thanking McCarthy for the explanation and pulling on the rubber diaper  nice and slow for the camera.
Trigger Laws In 13 States To Automatically Detonate Abortion Clinics Moment Roe v. Wade Overturned #~# AUSTIN, TX—With a leaked Supreme Court opinion signaling the landmark ruling is poised to be struck down, trigger laws in 13 states are set to automatically detonate abortion clinics the moment Roe v. Wade is overturned, sources reported Thursday. “We have placed highly combustible charges in and around every abortion-providing facility in our state, and they will be activated the second Roe has been repealed,” said Gov. Greg Abbott of Texas, which along with 12 other states has reportedly spent years concealing remote-activated plastic explosives in the walls, ceilings, and floors of clinics that provide healthcare services to women. “We believe the Supreme Court overstepped its powers in 1973 when it banned the detonation of abortion clinics, and with these trigger laws, we are prepared to remedy that egregious error as soon as Justices Alito, Thomas, Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Coney Barrett give us the go-ahead. And to those who claim that this will have a disproportionate effect on the low-income pregnant women who are trapped inside the abortion clinics as their bodies are incinerated into ash, I say we are merely following the law.” At press time, sources confirmed abortion clinic doors across the country were being locked to prevent anyone from escaping the blasts.
Woman Relieved To Hear Husband In Bed With Nude Stranger Can Explain Everything #~# NEW YORK—Saying the statement had immediately set her mind at ease, local woman Sarah Waldman expressed relief Thursday upon finding her husband in bed with a nude stranger and hearing that he could explain everything. “Oh thank god, I thought he might be cheating on me, but it seems like there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for what my spouse is doing under the covers with a naked woman,” said Waldman, adding that she was especially happy that her husband had been thoughtful enough to tell her that this “wasn’t what it looked like” the moment she turned on the lights to find him frantically reaching to pull his pants up from around his ankles. “Obviously, I came into this with my own biases and jumped to conclusions. Maybe they’re work colleagues meeting for a relaxed discussion in our bed, but got overheated under the comforter. Or maybe she’s a friend and he wanted to show her how nice our sheets feel on bare skin. Lots of explanations that make more sense than what I was thinking.” Waldman added that her only regret was that the nude stranger had gathered her clothes and scrambled out the window before they could clear all of this up together.
A Week In The Life Of Kim Kardashian And Pete Davidson #~# Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion asked celebrity power couple Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson to provide a window into a typical week in their lives.
Couple’s Wedding Website Has 18-Plus Section Where Guests Can Read Story Of First Hookup #~# NASHUA, NH—Offering of-age friends and family an opportunity to learn how their relationship began, the wedding website of engaged couple Marc Guerrero, 26, and Karina Rivlin, 27, includes an 18-plus section where guests can read the story of the pair’s first hookup, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s such a nice personal touch to let guests in on all the raunchy details about that first hot fuck that started it all,” said 28-year-old Meg Santaneco, who added that until she confirmed her date of birth and gained access to the adults-only part of the site, she had never known that her friend Karina got hammered and had sex with Marc in the back of his SUV after meeting him at Penuche’s Ale House. “I just loved reading about them making out and feeling each other up for a half hour in the back booth at a dive bar. Also, you could really tell they were a match from all the sex tapes they made where they look absolutely in love.” Santaneco added that the photos showing how their sexual relationship evolved over time also helped to explain some of the items the couple were asking for on their gift registry.
Study Finds Dogs’ Personalities Have Little To Do With Breed #~# A study published in the journal Science found that many popular stereotypes about the behavior of dog breeds aren’t supported by science, concluding that every dog is an individual. What do you think?
Onion Gift Guide: Mother’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Mom #~# Mother’s Day is around the corner, and you don’t want to be caught without a one-of-a-kind mass-produced gift that represents your mother’s mom type. The Onion provides recommendations for the best gifts for each of the different types of mother.
Leaked Opinion Suggests Supreme Court Will Overturn ‘Roe V. Wade’ #~# The Supreme Court will vote to strike down the landmark Roe V. Wade decision according to a leaked draft majority opinion written by Justice Samuel Alito, likely ending nearly 50 years of federal abortion protection. What do you think?
Mars Introduces New Crab-Stuffed M&M’s #~# MCLEAN, VA—Stating that its latest confection was equally suitable as a movie snack or an hors-d’oeuvre, multinational candy manufacturer Mars Inc. announced Wednesday that it had begun selling a new savory crab-stuffed M&M. “At long last, classic varieties such as original, peanut, and almond will be joined by an M&M that pairs our beloved mouthwatering chocolate with a surprisingly powerful blast of flavor from a morsel of fresh-caught Alaskan crab,” a company press release read in part, noting that in addition to milk chocolate and 0.02 ounces of crab meat, each bite-sized piece included a dollop of cream cheese and a proprietary blend of Cajun-style herbs and spices inside a signature M&M candy shell. “Crab-stuffed M&M’s make a wonderful, complex amuse-bouche that can be enjoyed at any cocktail party or gathering of friends—especially when served alongside our bacon-wrapped Starbursts or 3-Musketeers-and-cheddar quiche cups. This sweet and salty, melt-in-your-mouth shellfish treat may also make your house the most popular stop in the neighborhood on Halloween!” An independent marketing survey later concluded that while most consumers had vomited after ingesting crab-stuffed M&M’s, the few who managed to keep them down had contracted foodborne illnesses that would eventually kill them.
Barry White Estate Shares Previously Unreleased Album From Era When Singer Was Confused Virgin Frightened By Sex #~# LOS ANGELES—Making the extremely rare tracks available to the public for the first time, the Barry White estate issued a previously unreleased album Wednesday that represents an early era in which the R&B legend known for his sultry bass-baritone was still a confused virgin frightened by the idea of sex. “White was nearing 30 by the time he finally started having hits, but prior to that he recorded Let’s Take It As Slow As We Can, a collection of 10 heartfelt but less confident songs that chronicle a time in the artist’s life when he would get flustered and anxious during any romantic contact with a woman,” estate representative Cleveland Feinberg said of the album that includes such tracks as “Nothing But Kissing All Night Long,”  “(Ooo Baby) No Need To Touch Me There,” and a soulful meditation on the clitoris titled “Where And What Is It?” “It’s easy to assume that Barry White was always a suave Lothario, but the creative trajectory that made him into a pop-culture icon began with a young, deep-voiced virgin singing lines like ‘Oh, man, I’m sorry my hands are so sweaty’ and ‘What—what’s happening to me? Are you sure this is okay?’ When we went back through the master tapes, we found outtakes of the singer’s panicked hyperventilating, as well as several otherwise finished tracks that include no lead vocal, apparently because the mere thought of speaking to a woman would make White too nervous to sing the words of a romantic ballad.” Feinberg later put a needle on the record and played a few of the album’s songs, many of which terminate abruptly after no more than 15 seconds.
2022 Midterms: Primary Elections To Watch #~# The road to the 2022 midterms kicks off with May primaries in 13 states and includes some hotly contested races with ramifications for the November general elections. The Onion looks at key primaries to watch.
Foil Blanket Draped Over Panting Coworker Who Just Took Stairs #~# CHICAGO—Rushing to assist the fatigued, out-of-breath man as he triumphantly threw his arms up and fell to the ground, multiple onlookers draped a foil blanket over their coworker Wednesday after he successfully took the stairs. “Hey, man, you did it, you actually did it, you made it all the way up the stairs, and you never gave up,” said coworker Angel Alvarez, who, after high-fiving his sweaty, red-faced office mate and handing him a cup of water, immediately helped him up off his knees to take some hard-earned stairwell victory photos. “Oh my God, that was amazing, I honestly can’t believe it. I knew he’d been training, but I had no idea he could actually stay on his feet for that long. And wow, that’s an awesome time. Six minutes and 20 seconds!” At press time, reports confirmed Alvarez had called for a medic after his coworker suddenly began bleeding from his nipples and defecating uncontrollably.
Worst Things To Say To Someone With Road Rage #~# Driving school should really teach you how to use a gun. Here are the worst things you can say to someone with road rage.
Poor Kid Really Good At Grocery Part Of ‘The Price Is Right’ #~# MASON, OH—Noting that his friend could rattle off the cost of items with near robotic accuracy, local 10-year-old Jamison Fritz told reporters Tuesday that his poor friend Daniel was really good at the grocery part of The Price Is Right. “Whenever they put things like snacks, food, or toiletries on TV, Daniel always knows the exact price, and can do the math in his head super fast,” said Fritz, who added that his friend could guess and calculate totals within a few cents, and was especially good at games like Bargain, Checkout, and Hi Lo. “When it comes to stuff like Kraft Mac & Cheese, Ramen, and off-brand peanut butter, Daniel has never once been wrong. The only time he had trouble was with big items, like boats, cars, and TVs. He’s got no idea what’s going on there.” Fritz confirmed that his poor friend also did really well during games where contestants had to guess the price of toys, which was weird because he didn’t really have any.
Report: Some Tick Bites Causing Lifelong Red Meat Allergies #~# Experts are reporting that the aggressive lone star tick species, which can cause alpha-gal syndrome, an acquired lifelong allergy to red meat and other animal products, is spreading in the US from its native Southeast into the northern states. What do you think?
‘Guess That Makes Him Or Her Some Kind Of American Hero, Huh?’ Says Supreme Court Leaker Discussing News With Coworkers #~# WASHINGTON—Carefully watching their faces to gauge reactions, the Supreme Court employee responsible for the leaked draft opinion reportedly said, “Guess that makes him or her some kind of American hero, huh?” while discussing the news with coworkers Tuesday. “Wow, to take a stand like that, that requires some major cojones, doesn’t it?” said the leaker, who was seen attempting to assume a casual, relaxed posture as they broached the subject with a small cluster of clerks gathered in the office kitchen. “And the fact that they’re staying silent about it, that’s even more courageous. I’m not mad about it. Are you mad about it? What a cool guy. Or girl! So, any guesses?” At press time, sources reported the leaker had accidentally shattered their mug of coffee on the floor after spotting Justice Alito walking by. 
Justice Alito Somberly Ties Noose After Realizing He Not Mentioned In Constitution #~# WASHINGTON—Building upon the arguments in his draft of the majority opinion likely to overturn Roe v. Wade, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito was said to have somberly tied a noose Tuesday after realizing he himself was not mentioned in the U.S. Constitution. “Absolutely nowhere in this nation’s foundational governing charter did the Founding Fathers set forth the right for me to draw breath,” said the associate justice, who reportedly tied a hangman’s knot into a rope and stepped on top of his desk after penning a 900-page suicide note in which he argued that if Samuel Alito was not enumerated in the Constitution, then Samuel Alito should not exist. “Just because my life has a precedent of 72 years does not mean that my existence is so sacred that it cannot be overruled. There is actually a lengthy history in the United States of my nonexistence, stretching from my birth back to 1776. In fact, none of the other Supreme Court justices are mentioned, either, so maybe I should take care of them first.” At press time, sources confirmed Alito had spiraled into a mental breakdown after realizing his suicide was also not set forth in the Constitution.
Nation Forced To Seek Human Rights From Back-Alley Supreme Court #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of a leaked draft of a decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, potentially leading to abortion becoming illegal in many states, the nation was reportedly forced Tuesday to seek human rights from a back-alley Supreme Court. “Yeah, it’s not as safe and pretty dirty, but if you desperately need rights, what other choice do you have?” said Ellen Brooke, a woman who was knocking on the alley door of the secret, unregulated Supreme Court facility, to which she had been directed by a friend and where she was invited in and given a swig of vodka before the justices administered her human rights. “The fact is, if you can’t get abortions, safe asylum, or the right to privacy through the regular Supreme Court, you’re going to turn to unregulated options. It’s a little sketchy—I heard one of the justices never even went to law school, and another one is only licensed to do animal rights law—but they’re the only ones who are going to help me get rights. All I had to do was show up in the middle of the night and give them $500, and they gave me the judicial rulings I needed. It was a pretty painful way to obtain the right to equality before the law, but in a place like America, I’ll take it.” Sources confirmed that many Americans living near the border were contemplating crossing it to get human rights from a Mexican Supreme Court, while those who couldn’t travel were trying internet searches for a DIY Supreme Court that could give them human rights at home. 
Abbey In UK Seeking To Break World Record For Largest Vampire Gathering #~# Whitby Abbey, a 7th-Century English monastery, will attempt to break the world record for the largest gathering of people dressed as vampires to celebrate the 125th anniversary of Bram Stoker’s novel, “Dracula,” which was partly inspired by the abbey ruins. What do you think?
What To Say To Someone Considering Abortion #~# Can’t go wrong with a simple, heartfelt declaration of support.
Court Delays Inmate’s Execution To Brainstorm Even Grislier Method #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Issuing an emergency stay on the implementation of the prisoner’s sentence, the Supreme Court of South Carolina reportedly delayed a death-row inmate’s execution Tuesday to brainstorm an even grislier method. “The court has postponed the execution of this prisoner due to concerns that lethal injection is simply going too easy on him,” said Chief Justice Donald W. Beatty, adding that the court determined that the man could not be put to death until a brainstorm of a method that would cause a slow and incredibly painful death had been completed and they felt satisfied that they’d come up with the most gruesome method they could possibly conceive. “We’re concerned that our current methods, including electrocution and firing squad, allow the prisoner too much humanity and dignity in their final moments. There have to be some other methods involving torture or really disgusting acts he could perform that we could include as part of a death-row execution. The court believes there should be more mental anguish, first and foremost. When you see all these pictures of medieval torture devices, you have to think that we could combine something from back then with the technological advances we’ve made in recent decades to dream up something that’s excruciatingly awful. What if we covered him in milk and honey and left him out for the flies to eat? We’re just spitballing here at the emergency session we’ve convened to come up with something really good.” At press time, the court announced that they had settled on an especially grisly method of execution that involved allowing the death-row inmate to keep living under current prison conditions for the rest of his life.
Man Opening Mailbox Again Knows He Still Won’t Find Anything To Eat In There #~# AUSTIN, TX—Mindlessly checking for the third time in the past couple hours, area man Darrell Hawkins reported Tuesday that he had just opened his mailbox again despite already knowing there was nothing to eat in there. “I didn’t find anything good to snack on 30 minutes ago, so I don’t know why I’d think it would be any different now,” said Hawkins, blankly scanning the same Macy’s catalog, phone bill, and credit card application that had been in the mailbox the last time he checked. “Looking inside is just force of habit, I guess. I should probably stop, because every time I see that circular from the supermarket, I get a little bit hungrier. I probably ought to clean it out, too, because something definitely smells in there.” At press time, reports confirmed Hawkins had grown hungry enough to look inside his mailbox yet again and make due with a handful of old spiders he found way at the back.
Highway Safety Ad Urges Drunk Drivers Not To Text #~# DALLAS—Advising blackout alcoholics to focus on the road, a new highway safety ad released Tuesday reportedly urged drunk drivers not to text. “It’s imperative that drivers not text when they’re swerving drunk down the wrong side of the highway,” said the ad spokesperson Kyle Drummel, explaining that putting the phone away and keeping one’s drunk, wandering eyes on oncoming traffic can be the difference between life and death. “It might seem like no big deal, but even just five or 10 minutes of intoxicatedly looking at your phone behind the wheel can end tragically. The incoherent text asking your ex to get back together can wait.” The ad concluded by emphasizing that not texting while driving had the added benefit of keeping one hand open for drinks.
Parents Support Son’s Dream Of Becoming NASCAR Driver By Putting Up 2.5-Mile Motor Speedway In Backyard #~# POQUOSON, VA—Bringing their 9-year-old outside to see his birthday present, local parents Mark and Angelina Bryant reportedly  supported their son’s dream of becoming a NASCAR driver this week by putting up a 2.5-mile motor speedway in their backyard. “Jared really wants to be a NASCAR driver when he grows up, so we think it will help him develop his driving skills if he can just go outside and race a few laps on the NASCAR-regulation superspeedway track we had installed over by the fence,” said Angelina Bryant, adding that the couple had also purchased three Next Gen stock cars capable of hitting speeds of 200 miles per hour so their son could practice racing with his friends. “Honestly, we weren’t really using that part of the yard, anyway, and it’s gratifying as a parent to be able to help your son fulfill his athletic aspirations. Now he can go out there and drive 250 laps whenever he wants. It’s much more convenient than going to one of the local NASCAR speedways, and it’ll be cheaper in the long run, too. Sometimes Mark even gets out there to race a few laps, and I have to tell Jared to go easy on his dad.” At press time, a conflict had erupted between Jared and his older sister McKenzie after a wheel from one of his race cars rolled into the backyard marina the Bryants built in 2019 to support her dreams of someday sailing in the Olympics.
Americans Bring ‘Souvenir’ Artillery Shell To Israel Airport #~# An American family caused panic at an Israeli airport when they tried to bring an unexploded artillery shell they had found in the Golan Heights back to the states as a souvenir. What do you think?
Pelosi Makes Unannounced Trip To Kyiv To Meet With Zelensky #~# House Speaker Nancy Pelosi made an unannounced trip to Kyiv over the weekend to meet with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to voice American solidarity with the besieged nation, making her the highest-ranking leader to visit since the invasion began. What do you think?
Wi-Fi Password On Post-It Note Read Aloud Like Incantation From Ancient Spell Book #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Ceremoniously unsticking the hallowed Post-it note from the side of her refrigerator, local woman Dana McNamara reportedly read the password to her Wi-Fi network aloud Monday as if it were an incantation from an ancient spell book. According to the houseguests who sought access to the holy text, the solemn utterance of “Capital D, two, lowercase e,  nine, nine, nine, exclamation point” seemed to echo from all corners of the room as their host gravely intoned each syllable from the ancient document, its edges worn and curling inward, the sacred characters barely legible from the effects of age. Holding the paper reverently, like a flesh-bound grimoire containing unspeakable power, McNamara is said to have given a hypnotic recitation of the phrase, as though the password itself spoke through her, and she was but an empty, earthen vessel meant to relay the mysterious message. Despite having no familiarity with this long-lost tongue, those present stated that they found themselves entering the corresponding glyphs into their phones, an experience that transcended all known language and was soon followed by reports of internet connectivity spreading invisibly through the room. Afterward, sources at the scene confirmed that McNamara’s eyes, which had rolled back in her head, returned to normal, and she then collapsed onto the kitchen floor, babbling about having seen “the mouth of God.” At press time, McNamara and her guests were reportedly all sitting around casually browsing the internet on their various devices.
Quiz: Is It Trash Or Recycling? #~# Just because a product says it’s recyclable doesn’t mean it is. Click through The Onion’s quiz to see if you can guess whether each of the following products belong in the trash or recycling.
Couple Unable To Watch Single Episode Of ‘Daniel Tiger’ Since Son Died #~# MESA, AZ—Explaining that they could no longer bear to view the program they once enjoyed,  local couple Craig and Rebecca Hollinger confirmed Monday that they were unable to watch a single episode of Daniel Tiger ever since their son died. “I know that our history of watching Daniel Tiger is separate from our time with our son, but now the show is just not the same,” said Rebecca Hollinger, noting that she and her husband used to love watching Daniel Tiger learn new things, but now it feels weird watching the program without their son, Noah. “It was our favorite show before; however, I can’t even listen to Daniel start singing about feelings  without sobbing. In any other case, this show would be a great way to take our minds off of such a tragic moment. Every time the Tigers say ‘Ugga mugga’ to mean ‘I love you,’ it dredges up sad memories.” At press time, the Hollingers added that they can also no longer use the tiny children’s toilet in their bathroom. 
Study Shows Even Small Amounts Of Exercise Can Fight Depression #~# A new study has found that exercising just half the CDC recommended amount can substantially fight depression, with adults who did activities equivalent to only 1.25 hours of brisk walking per week having an 18% lower risk of depression compared to inactive adults. What do you think?
Paintball Course Triggers Combat Veteran’s Flashback To Afghanistan Paintball Course #~# ST. CHARLES, IL—Screaming while reminded of the dark, traumatic days spent shooting dye-filled bullets at fellow soldiers abroad, combat veteran Jeremy Gordon confirmed Monday that the paintball course triggered violent flashbacks to an Afghanistan paintball course. “Oh, God, every time I step out onto the paintball course, it’s like I’m back there in the mountains with my brothers; scared, confused, and firing firing round after round of pink paint at the Taliban’s paintball team,” said Gordon, adding that as much as he tried to forget, anytime he picked up the paintball gun and ran for shelter, he couldn’t help think of all the women, children, mothers, and fathers he looked in the eye before shooting them point blank with multicolored capsules. “It’s been years since I’ve been deployed, but I’ll never forget the day our plywood bunker was ambushed by Afghan insurgent paintballers. I left five of my fellow soldiers behind that day, including my commander, face down, completely soaked in yellow. That was the worst birthday party I’ve ever had. Oh, God. Oh, God.” At press time, Jeremy Gordon wept, and muttered he didn’t deserve the medals of honor he had received after what he’d done to all those innocent people on paintball fields abroad.
Supreme Court Casually Mentions Nation Now Divided Into Six Provinces Ruled By Conservative Justices #~# WASHINGTON—In a tangential footnote appended to its 6-3 decision in West Virginia v. Environmental Protection Agency, the Supreme Court casually declared Thursday that the nation had been divided into six provinces, each of which would be ruled by a Republican-appointed justice. “The court hereby decrees that the six justices joining in this opinion will occupy six thrones from which they will reign over the lands once known as the United States,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote for the majority, adding that while each province would constitute an independent, absolute monarchy, the realms would nonetheless form a loose confederation and military alliance capable of crushing any rebellion daring to challenge the six new sovereigns. “Nowhere in the Constitution do we find language that specifically forbids the establishment of Gorsuchonia, which now stretches from North Dakota to Ohio, or Alitostan, which encompasses much of the Eastern Seaboard. Nor did our Founders put any mechanisms in place that explicitly state the Supreme Court justices cannot exercise complete control over the lives of their subjects.” At press time, His Imperial Majesty Brett of the House Kavanaugh had named himself emperor following a 1-5 decision to usurp all six thrones.
Justice Breyer Officially Retires #~# Justice Stephen Breyer notified the White House that his retirement will be effective today at noon Eastern time, paving the way for Ketanji Brown Jackson to be sworn in as Supreme Court Justice on the conservative-majority court. What do you think?
Elmo Receives Vasectomy In PSA On Preventing Unwanted Pregnancies #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to raise awareness of the medical procedure after the Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v. Wade, Sesame Workshop released a public service announcement Thursday on preventing unwanted pregnancies that featured Elmo receiving a vasectomy. “There was a little pinch, but that was okay,” said Elmo, who explained to viewers that the elective surgical procedure for male sterilization was safe and over 99% effective in preventing pregnancy, making it a great option for people who don’t currently want to have children. “Elmo was real scared at first, but the nice nurse told Elmo that the doctor can reverse the vasectomy when I’m ready to be a daddy. It only took 15 minutes to make the two incisions on my scrotum, and then snip! Elmo’s infertile now!” Elmo then asked some local children to help him count up to seven to show viewers how many days of recovery he would need before being able to have sex again.
Amy Coney Barrett Worried Rest Of Feminist Book Club Mad At Her #~# WASHINGTON—Noting a palpable shift in the group’s attitude since the last time they met, Supreme Court justice Amy Coney Barrett expressed concern Thursday that the rest of the women in her feminist book club were mad at her about something. “Everyone keeps giving me the cold shoulder, and I can’t for the life of me imagine why,” the justice reportedly thought to herself after receiving yet another nasty look from a member of the club, which meets monthly to discuss women’s literature in what the Facebook invite, as Barrett pointed out, had called a “safe and fun environment in which to bond with fellow womankind.” “Was it something I said? I’m racking my brain here. For some reason, no one will make eye contact with me, let alone try one of the canapés I brought. They just keep whispering about God knows what and looking in my direction. I thought offering to lead today’s discussion would lighten the mood, but Bethenny just scoffed and slammed her copy of Chanel Miller’s Know My Name down on the table—what the hell was that about?” According to sources, Barrett later concluded she had figured out the source of the tension and decided she would come clean and apologize to the group for not having read the book.
Biggest Lies Americans Are Taught About The 4th Of July #~# While Independence Day can be a time of patriotic celebration, reports show many Americans still believe myths and outright lies about the origins of the national holiday. Here are the biggest lies Americans are taught about the Fourth of July.
Completely Legal Reasons Pharmacists Can Use To Refuse Birth Control #~# In most U.S. states, pharmacists are legally allowed to deny healthcare to customers if it interferes with their personal or religious beliefs. Here are completely legal reasons pharmacists can give to refuse dispensing birth control.
Airbnb Banning Party Houses Permanently #~# Airbnb is permanently banning all parties and events at host properties around the world, which includes open-invite gatherings, while offering a tip line that allows neighbors or others to report parties. What do you think?
The Causes Of Higher Gas Prices #~# With gas prices skyrocketing, many Americans are debating the causes. As with most things, many Americans are completely fucking wrong, so The Onion created an easy graphical representation that breaks down what’s driving gas prices higher.
Man Disgusted After Shining Blacklight On Ejaculating Penis #~# CALISTOGA, CA—Turning off the lights of his hotel room and immediately wincing in utter revulsion, local man Kenny Porter told reporters he was disgusted Thursday after shining a blacklight on his ejaculating penis. “Ugh, god, it was terrible, the second I flipped the switch, there were neon spots everywhere, starting at my genitals and splattering out every which way,” said Porter, who shuddered and added that while everything looked clean at first, he eventually found traces of semen on things like his hand, a tissue, and even on his own undergarments. “Frankly, after a long day of traveling, I don’t want to sit down on my bed, pull down my pants, start cranking it, and immediately find jizz everywhere. One moment, you feel totally clean, and the next, there’s suddenly ejaculate in places you’d never think at the exact moment you climax.” At press time, a horrified Porter told reporters that he finally understood why people told him never to do this after going into the bathroom, turning on the blacklight, ejaculating, and suddenly finding semen all over his face.
Former Aide: Trump Was Told Protesters Had Weapons On Jan. 6 #~# Former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson testified Tuesday that despite Donald Trump being informed that the protesters outside the White House on Jan. 6 had weapons, he told officials to “let my people in” and march to the Capitol. What do you think?
The Onion Shares Its Social Media Guidelines For Reporters #~# Many of America’s lesser newsrooms have recently grappled with setting guidelines for reporters’ use of social media, wary of staffers expressing their personal beliefs and compromising their credibility in the eyes of the public. America’s Finest News Source is no different, and in the spirit of transparency, we are sharing The Onion’s social media guidelines for its reporters, whose failure to follow them to the letter is punishable by death.
Migrant Imprisoned At Border Should Weep In English #~# SIERRA BLANCA, TX—Expressing annoyance that the detainee did not even appear to be making the effort, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Jonathan Pena confirmed Wednesday that a migrant in his custody could at least weep in English. “You may be detained in squalid conditions, but you’re in squalid conditions in the America, pal—and in America, we sob like Americans,” said Pena, who wondered aloud why so many migrants even attempted to come to a place where they could not adequately communicate their pain and terror. “It’s ‘Oh my God,’ not ‘Ay Dios mío.’ If you can’t weep in English, you probably shouldn’t be here. It’s about respect. ”At press time, Pena added that he had no idea what the detainee’s tears even meant.
Hospital Vaporized By Powerful Blast Of Energy Released From Splitting Conjoined Twins #~# JOHNSTOWN, OH—In a devastating surgical disaster of cataclysmic proportions, a local hospital was vaporized Wednesday by a massive, uncontainable blast of energy released from the splitting of conjoined twins. “We saw a bright flashing light, and then felt a shock wave that reverberated for miles,” said local obstetric nurse Franklin Nichols, who had been on his way to his shift at Memorial Hospital when the building was suddenly dissolved by the intense heat produced when fissile material in the decoupled human tissues produced an uncontrolled chain reaction. “Separating conjoined infants is dangerous, because the bonds that hold the twins together contain an incredible amount of energy, all of which was released, in this tragic case, the instant surgeons made their first scalpel incision. The flesh likely melted off the bones of everyone in that hospital, and with my own radiation exposure, I can count on a long, slow death from cancer.”  At press time, the surgery was hailed as a success after the twins were found alive in the rubble,  having been blown five miles clear of the blast in opposite directions.
Pete Buttigieg’s Locomotive Always Taking Up 2 Whole Parking Spots #~# WASHINGTON—Condemning the cabinet member for being so inconsiderate, Department of Transportation sources confirmed Wednesday that Pete Buttigieg’s locomotive was always taking up two whole parking spots. “You get one reserved parking spot, not two; I don’t care how big your vehicle is,” said Regina Merrill, one of many DOT employees who told reporters that Buttigieg had a habit of parking the train engine he drove to work diagonally across spots. “I understand that locomotives are expensive vehicles, but if he’s worried about getting a ding, he should at least park at the back of the lot so the rest of us aren’t inconvenienced. Last week, I was stuck behind him for 20 minutes while he tried to back out of the parking lot.” At press time, a police boot had been placed on Buttigieg’s locomotive for several unpaid parking tickets. 
Americans Discuss Whether Biden Should Run Again #~# Many are concerned about Joe Biden’s physical and mental fitness to serve another presidential term. The Onion asked Americans if Biden should run again, and this is what they said.
Flu Vaccine Linked To 40% Reduced Risk Of Alzheimer’s Disease #~# According to a new study, ​​people who received at least one influenza vaccine were 40% less likely than their non-vaccinated peers to develop Alzheimer’s disease over the course of four years. What do you think?
Dumbass Kid Bringing Mitt To MLB Game Must Think He’s Actually Going To Play #~# ANAHEIM—Earning looks of incredulity and pity from fans at his breathtaking stupidity, a dumbass kid bringing a mitt to a Major League Baseball game reportedly must think he’s actually going to play. “Yeah, they’re definitely going to glance into the upper deck and sign this 60-pound kid to come man shortstop because he has own glove—what a fucking dunce,” said Angels fan Colton Morris, one of hundreds of spectators who observed how incredibly ignorant this kid would have to be to seriously wear his own glove and hat to the game in the expectation that he would be a last-minute addition to the team’s batting order. “It’s honestly stunning how moronic some people can be. There are two professional baseball teams here that each brought enough players, and yet this complete dipshit thinks he can just stroll in here with his mitt and automatically get asked to join the team? Honestly, I would be more surprised if I wasn’t so appalled. What gives him the right to show up here with a glove, so presumptuous as to think he deserves to be on that field alongside real professional ballplayers? How goddamn stupid can you be?” At press time, those seated near the kid with the mitt were watching with mouths agape after a Angels scout came to his seat and asked him to accompany him down to the dugout.
Ghislaine Maxwell Receives Lighter Sentence For Years Of Dedicated Work With Children #~# NEW YORK—Sentenced to 20 years in prison, Ghislaine Maxwell reportedly received a lighter penalty Tuesday for her years of dedicated work with children. “Ms. Maxwell had very deep, personal ties with local children and shepherded them through a confusing system with a commitment few other mentors would,” said Judge Alison J. Nathan, who handed the former Jeffrey Epstein associate a sentence a decade shorter than what the federal prosecutors had recommended in order to encourage others to get similarly involved with children in their own communities. “The lengths she went to for these vulnerable kids is truly inspiring. Without Ms. Maxwell, these children would have never had the chance to see the world or build valuable networking connections with some of the world’s most powerful figures. She even helped some of these children meet their husbands.” At press time, the Federal Bureau of Prisons assigned Maxwell to a juvenile detention center where she could continue her important work. 
Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong To Renounce U.S. Citizenship Over Roe v. Wade Ruling #~# Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong told a London concert audience that he will renounce his U.S. citizenship following the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, and relocate to the U.K. What do you think?
Supreme Court Ruling Allows Public School Teachers To Lead Students In Crusades #~# WASHINGTON—In a controversial 6-3 decision regarding religious freedom, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that public school teachers were allowed to lead students on Crusades to win back the Holy Land for Christians. “Because the First Amendment guarantees the free exercise of religion, all school employees have the right to conscript students into a fighting force and undertake a military expedition to ransack and reclaim Jerusalem in the name of Jesus Christ,” Justice Neil Gorsuch wrote for the court’s majority, concluding that Colorado’s Bremerton School District had erred in firing football coach Joseph Kennedy for arming his players and marching them across Europe to conquer the idolaters and pagans who must be forcibly converted to Christianity. “As far back as 1212, we see legal and cultural precedents for community leaders assembling a gang of youths to wage a holy war in defense of Christendom.  Not only should Coach Kennedy have his job back, but he should also be permitted to express his religious freedom by burning at the stake any parent who refuses to sign their child’s permission slip for the treacherous voyage across the Mediterranean.” In a concurring opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas wrote that participation in the indiscriminate slaughter of Muslims and Jews should be required to receive a high school diploma.
Americans React To Roe V. Wade Being Overturned #~# On June 24, 2022, the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, ending the constitutional right to abortion in the United States. The Onion asked Americans how they felt about the decision, and this is what they said.
Losing Custody Of Kids Only Makes Single Dad More Appealing #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Calling the man  she had been casually dating for the past few weeks “an unbelievable catch,” local 29-year-old Colleen Ridgley told reporters Tuesday that learning single dad Drew Abrams had lost custody of his kids only made him that much more appealing. “Wow, just when I thought Drew couldn’t get any more attractive, he surprises me again,” said Ridgley, who confirmed that while she had always had a “soft spot” for single fathers, the news that Child Protective Services had removed his two sons from his home had taken her interest in the man to “a whole other level.” “There’s just something so sexy about a single dad with no kids. I would never even dream of asking a man to choose between his children and me, and now it’s perfect, because I don’t have to. The irresponsibility is just a turn on, I guess.” At press time, Ridgley had expressed hope that she and Abrams might lose custody of kids of their own one day.
Man Hopes Nicely Dug Grave Will Get Him Back In Captors’ Good Graces #~# TEMPE, AZ—Vowing to go above and beyond to impress his abductors, local man Nate Hahn expressed hope Tuesday that a nicely dug grave would get him back in his captors’ good graces. “I know we kind of started off on the wrong foot, but if I can just get this burial plot absolutely perfect, I’m sure I can win my kidnappers over,” said Hahn, explaining that the guy before him had done such a sloppy job on his grave that they had shot him in the  head. “I mean, I don’t know what more they could want from me. All the edges of the grave are super crisp and straight, no crumbly parts whatsoever. I even made sure it was extra deep. Who knows, if I do a good enough job, they might make me their go-to grave digger.” At press time, an eager-to-please Hahn was reportedly offering to test the grave plot out to show how well it worked.
Study Finds Majority Of Florida Students Can’t Pass Basic Test Of Racial Purity #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a development state officials attributed to a record-low percentage of students being born into two-white-parent households, a study released Tuesday found that a majority of Florida schoolchildren were unable to pass even a rudimentary test of racial purity. “It’s no secret that racial purity scores have been declining nationally for decades now, but even so, we were surprised that only 36% of Florida public school students could demonstrate they possessed the pristine and undiluted bloodline of the Aryan race,” a Florida Department of Education spokesperson said of the study, which also found that initiatives to cut bus routes to disadvantaged areas and build a less inclusive curriculum had failed to lower the state’s stubbornly high miscegenation rates. “Increasingly, students are giving answers like Black or Latino or Asian to very basic questions about their ethnic heritage, and sadly, there’s just not much you can do when parents are so apathetic about ensuring that their kids receive a robust, uncontaminated genotype. It’s heartbreaking. You see these amazing racial purity numbers coming out of schools in Idaho and New Hampshire, and meanwhile the median student in Florida is failing to name even a single Caucasian ancestor on their test.” Acknowledging the reality could be even grimmer than the data suggests, Florida officials noted that some school districts had been caught forging the purity scores of light-skinned students who were “an unholy and abominable mix of races”  in order to meet the threshold for state funding. 
Friends Always Trying To Set Up Single Woman With New Puzzle #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying they just wanted to see her happy, sources confirmed Monday that friends of local single woman Meredith Singer were always trying to set her up with a new puzzle. “Okay, don’t be mad, but we think we found the perfect one for you this time,” longtime friend Rebecca Bates told the unattached 32-year-old, watching to see if Singer blushed as the group of girlfriends gestured giddily toward an unopened Target bag in the corner of the room, which reportedly contained a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle depicting an English floral garden that they said she would “absolutely go gaga for.” “It’s right up your alley, we promise. Nothing like the last few puzzles, which, we admit, turned out to be duds. This one will be easy and fun, with no weird surprises. I found it through a friend of a friend who only does sudoku now, but did this one back in college and only had good things to say about it.” At press time, Singer was reportedly disappointed after sitting down with the puzzle only to find that it looked nothing like the picture on the front of the box.
Senators Say Trump Supreme Court Nominees Misled Them #~# Sens. Susan Collins (R-ME) and Joe Manchin (D-WV) told reporters they were misled by Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh, who both testified under oath that Roe v. Wade was settled legal precedent. What do you think?
Bipartisan Gun Control Bill Signed Into Law #~# President Joe Biden has signed into law the most significant gun control bill in three decades, a law that enhances background checks for 18- to 21-year-olds, closes the “boyfriend loophole,” and provides billions of dollars for mental health services and crisis intervention programs. What do you think?
Therapist Not That Invested In Patient But Likes Having Her On In Background #~# CHICAGO—Calling the short, 30-minute appointment windows the “perfect white noise” to zone out to, local therapist Thea Tucker confirmed Monday that she wasn’t really invested in her patient but liked having her on in the background. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s a totally fine client and all, but there’s something about her that’s just better when I’m only half paying attention,” said Tucker, adding that while there were definitely parts of her patient’s love, family, and work life that were interesting, she’d much rather listen to the woman’s problems while cooking or cleaning. “It’s honestly really nice to just start the appointment, let my eyes glaze over, and then pop back in anytime I hear something dramatic. As a longtime therapist, I hate to say it, but she’s definitely gone downhill lately. I’ve actually fallen asleep listening to her a few times.” At press time, Tucker had reversed her stance and said she had actually gotten hooked on her patient again after a particularly juicy appointment in which the woman revealed her boyfriend had hooked up with her sister.
Fisher-Price Plastic Food Giving Kids Unrealistic Expectation That There Will Be Enough Food #~# EAST AURORA, NY—In a severe backlash from parents on social media, toy manufacturer Fisher-Price was hit with criticism Monday over their plastic food reportedly giving kids unrealistic expectations that there will be enough food. “The people who run Fisher-Price ought to be ashamed that their plastic peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, waffles, and eggs are leading our impressionable children to believe that there will always be something in the house for them to eat,” said mother of three Teresa Platler, adding that she had been alarmed to hear her son return from a playdate where he and his friends all pretended they got full from the same plastic hamburger, and that it had to stop. “We’ve got children passing around a plastic hot dog, making a big show of opening their mouth and saying ‘Yum, yum, yum,’ and then dropping the hot dog to the ground, where their friend picks it up and pretends to eat it, too. There’s only one hot dog in this situation, not two, and it simply isn’t right to teach our children that there’s plenty to go around. If we’re going to prepare children for the real world, we have to stop lying to them. You don’t just get a milk carton and juice box with every meal the way you do with these toys.  How am I supposed to send my children out there thinking real food is as readily available as the plastic kind? What kind of message does that send? Fisher-Price needs to assume responsibility for deceiving our kids.” Parents also criticized Fisher-Price for selling plastic fruits and vegetables that give children who live in food deserts the unrealistic expectation that those kinds of food exist in their neighborhood.
Guy Being Electrocuted Embarrassed Everyone Can See His Whole Skeleton Right Now #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Trying to shrink down lower into his chair, Riverbend Maximum Security Institution prisoner Bertram Ray told reporters Monday he is embarrassed that everyone can currently see his whole skeleton while he is being electrocuted. “It’s one thing to go out with 1,750 volts of electricity pumped through your body, but it’s kind of humiliating that everybody can gawk at my lit-up bones,” said Ray, adding that all the onlookers  staring at his illuminated pelvis with horrified expressions were making him feel extra self-conscious. “Oh God, even my mom can see my sacrum right through my flesh—not that it’s anything she hasn’t seen when I was a kid and needed X-rays after that bike accident, but come on, people! The polite thing to do would be to turn away or at least avert your eyes toward one of my fibulae.” At press time, Ray was reportedly mortified to realize the electrocution was causing his hair to burn off and creating an unsightly bald spot.
Amazing In-Flight Perks That Airlines Had In The 1960s #~# If you think Spirit Airlines is luxurious, just wait until you see this. Here are the most amazing in-flight perks that airlines had in the 1960s.
Realistic Concept Art For New Luxury Condos Features Homeless Man Getting Arrested #~# LOS ANGELES—Displaying incredible accuracy in its rendering of the high-end property, the realistic concept art for a new luxury condominium complex in the Echo Park neighborhood of Los Angeles features a homeless man getting arrested, observers reported Friday. “Oh wow, yeah, would you look at that—there’s a guy on the sidewalk being put in cuffs for loitering,” area man Dan Jensen said of the artwork, which depicts high rises filled with floor-to-ceiling windows that appear to give residents an unobstructed view of unhoused people being beaten and thrown into a van by police. “Such stunning detail! You can see how all the benches in the open-air plaza will have those little handrails across the middle to prevent people from lying down on them, and so they put in an image of a homeless woman who is instead sleeping on the pavement next to that beautiful fountain. There’s also a resident using her phone to take a picture of a needle on the ground, presumably to post about it on Nextdoor. This is a really faithful representation of what to expect when you purchase a $1.2 million studio unit.” At press time, the project’s developers were reportedly praising the concept artist for including just the right amount of diversity.
Woman At Potluck Disappointed After No One Even Tried Napkins She Brought #~# CHICAGO—Appearing crestfallen as people sampled the various items on the table but hers remained untouched, local woman Melissa Ogilvy told reporters Friday she was disappointed that no one at the potluck supper she was attending had even tried the napkins she brought. “I assumed everyone would want at least one of them, but no takers so far,” said Ogilvy, 25, adding that she imagined they’d go really well with the meatball dish someone else had brought, but it had been an hour since the dinner gathering began and her offering was the only one no one had tried. “What the heck? I thought everyone liked napkins. I even tried taking them around the room to hand them out, and not a single person was interested.” At press time, Ogilvy was reportedly piling napkins on her own plate to make it appear to the other guests that it was something they were really missing out on.
What To Know About Covid Vaccines For Kids Under 5 #~# The FDA recently granted emergency authorization to two coronavirus vaccines for children under 5 years old, the first such immunizations approved for this age group. The Onion answers the most pressing questions about Covid vaccines for infants and toddlers.
CEO Doesn’t Expect Any Upcoming Layoffs Employees Deserve To Know About #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Assuring his staff that he would always be as open and honest with them about the business as necessary, Edgemere Media CEO Michael Breznick confirmed Monday that he didn’t expect any upcoming layoffs that employees deserved to know about. “I know that many of you have been concerned about our profits this quarter, but I want everyone to know that your jobs are 100% safe as far as you’re concerned,” said Breznick, adding that employees were always his first priority, and he would do everything in his power to make sure they stayed in the dark and absolutely never saw a company reorganization, sale, or bankruptcy coming. “While I understand people are scared, I want to emphasize that no one needs to worry about salary reductions, healthcare cuts, or layoffs, because my lips are sealed and I’m not telling you a goddamn thing. And we assure you, if we do have to lay anyone off, you’ll be the last to know. That’s a promise you can hold me to.” At press time, Edgemere’s board reportedly assured Breznick that they were very happy with his performance and nothing would happen to his position as CEO that he would be privy to.
Polio Detected In U.K. For First Time In 40 Years #~# British health officials have identified a likely outbreak of polio in London for the first time in 40 years, finding multiple versions of the virus in sewage water. What do you think?
Study Finds Women 32% More Likely To Die After Surgery Performed By Male Janitor #~# NEW YORK—Shedding light on the stark disparities female patients face in the healthcare system, a Columbia University study published Monday found that women are 32% more likely to die after a surgery performed by a male janitor. “Sadly, many women in our country’s hospitals don’t receive proper care from male janitors who happen to notice a doctor’s overcoat hanging up outside the empty operating room, shrug, and throw it over their stained coveralls before heading inside,” said lead researcher Alison Reiss, adding that the mere fact of their gender often results in women dying on the operating table as the custodian puts aside his broom, picks up a scalpel and starts randomly slicing away at their unconscious body. “Nurses might try to intervene by knocking at the door and asking if everything is alright. But the overconfidence of these male sanitation workers means they’re less likely to admit their mistakes than to simply exclaim, ‘oh—everything’s fine, just cleaning up a bit of a spill in here!’ while frantically consulting a nearby anatomy poster. Many don’t even have the decency to swap out their yellow gloves for a clean pair before shoving their hands into an open chest cavity and feeling around. It’s deplorable, really.” The study went on to conclude that most such male janitors were able to conceal their missteps by innocently whistling their way out of the room while mopping up the substantial pools of blood they had spilled. 
Supreme Court Issues Decision Making It Easier To Carry Guns In Public #~# The Supreme Court has ruled that Americans have a right to carry firearms in public for self-defense, a major expansion of gun rights likely to lead to more people legally armed in cities and beyond. What do you think?
Anti-Abortion Advocate Excitedly Switches Focus To Shaming Young Unwed Mothers #~# DALLAS—In the wake of the Supreme Court’s 6-3 decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, local anti-abortion advocate Mary Firkins, 54, excitedly announced Friday that she would now switch her full-time attention to the shaming of young unwed mothers. “It’s been very rewarding these past few decades to value the lives of fetuses over those of the women carrying them, but now I can finally focus all my energy on the whores who get pregnant out of wedlock,” said Firkins, giddily crossing out the names of abortion providers and pharmacists on the envelopes that contained her menacing letters and bomb threats and filling in the names of single mothers-to-be. “I’ve always wanted to remind these irresponsible sluts that it’s all their fault—and I certainly have, on occasion—but I’ve been so focused on saving the unborn that I’ve never had enough time to really get up in their faces and rub it in. The resentment has been piling up for decades, and it’s going to feel so good to let it all out by screaming at young women for having premarital sex, consensual or not. Our hard work has paid off, and it’s time to have some fun!” At press time, Firkins was overheard expressing gratitude for how many more young unwed mothers the court’s ruling would create for her to terrorize.
Nation’s Centrists Stubbornly Double Down On Claim That Roe v. Wade Not At Risk #~# NEW YORK—Asserting there was no need to worry about the highly unlikely outcome, the nation’s centrists reportedly doubled down Friday on their claim that Roe v. Wade was not at risk. “People are blowing this whole idea of overturning Roe completely out of proportion—it’s just not going to happen,” said outspoken centrist Peter Gesson, stressing that the Supreme Court would almost certainly respect the precedent set by the seminal 1973 ruling on women’s reproductive rights. “Basically, there’s a legal principle called stare decisis. That means past judicial decisions stay in place unless there’s a compelling reason to change them. I can send you an Atlantic article about it, if you’re interested. Anyway, these justices are all thoughtful individuals with a deep knowledge of how our legal system works. They aren’t going to throw out a ruling that’s given our country stability for almost half a century.” The nation’s centrists added that they were even more certain the Supreme Court wouldn’t be coming for gay marriage and contraceptives next.
Kavanaugh, Thomas Champion Creating Better Future For Next Generation Of Rapists #~# WASHINGTON—In a touching moment following Friday’s Supreme Court’s 5-4 decision overruling Roe v. Wade and eliminating the constitutional right to an abortion, Justices Brett Kavanaugh and Clarence Thomas reportedly championed the better future they’d created for the next generation of rapists. “We did it, my friend—we’ve been waiting decades for this moment,” a visibly teary-eyed Kavanaugh was overheard saying to Thomas as the two congratulated each other on their work to make the world a better and safer place for perpetrators of sexual assault. “Today, we celebrate those who will come after us, who will be able to rape to their heart’s content. No one will be able to stop them. Whether it’s spousal sexual assault, statutory rape, or simply gang-raping a stranger, future generations will have the full backing of the law. Of course, we know that the rapists who come after us may not know their history, and so may not be aware of the decades we spent in the trenches fighting for their rights, but we’ll rest easy knowing we did all we could. Ultimately, what we’ve accomplished today is a crucial step toward enshrining universal rights for rapists, as well as bringing more babies into the world to be raped, but remember that our work isn’t done. I know we’ll spend the rest of our careers fighting for those who want to sexually violate other people.” At press time, Kavanaugh and Thomas were joined by a similarly ecstatic Justice Samuel Alito, who was said to have told them his only regret in the ruling was that they couldn’t do more to punish rape victims.
Things To Never Say To Someone Who Just Came Out #~# Coming out as LGBTQIA+ is a pivotal moment in someone’s life, so it’s always best to not fuck that up. If you want to be a good ally, never say the following things.
Failure To Stand On One Leg For 10 Seconds Linked To Increased Risk Of Death #~# According to a new study, middle-aged people who cannot stand on one leg for at least 10 seconds are at higher risk of dying within the next decade, with researchers saying the simple balance test may be useful to include in routine physical exams for people over 50. What do you think?
Canada Banning Single-Use Plastics #~# Canada will be banning the manufacture and importation of single-use plastics by the end of the year, in a sweeping effort to fight pollution and climate change. What do you think?
God Brings Into Existence Second God To Do All His Creation For Him #~# THE HEAVENS—In an effort to delegate more of His divine work, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, has brought into existence a second god who will handle all day-to-day creation duties, sources confirmed Thursday. The new god, known as Brett, will reportedly hold the title of Creator. “I’m thrilled to be bringing Brett on board to head up creation for us—I know we’re putting a lot on his shoulders, but this is literally what he was born to do,” said God, adding that His own role would be shifting to focus more on long-term planning for the cosmos, while Brett would be responsible for bringing forth new galactic, planetary, and biological entities. “Over the course of my career, I’ve come to realize I’m more of a big-picture God. Brett, meanwhile, is a dynamic and innovative leader with a real passion for commanding existence to manifest itself from the formless void.” God, who married last year, added that He hoped taking a step back from creation would allow Him to spend more time with His wife, Natasha, and their twin daughters, Parker and Peyton.
Airlines Hiring Anyone Who Looks Good In Crisp Uniform To Offset Pilot Shortage #~# FORT  WORTH, TX—In an effort to address widespread staffing shortfalls  related to the ongoing economic downturn, several major airlines announced plans  Thursday to just hire anyone who looks good in a crisp pilot uniform.  “If you look great in a freshly starched shirt and big captain’s hat, we  will hire you on the spot, no questions asked,” said American Airlines  CEO Robert Isom, stressing that the current job market had forced the carrier  to drop previous requirements such as a commercial pilot’s license and  basic knowledge of aviation in favor of any person with the well-cut  jawline, winning smile, and sparkling eyes that would make  passengers feel as if they were in the hands of a trained professional. “As  long as you can throw on a pair of aviators and give a confident  thumbs-up to disembarking customers, we’ll send you straight to the nearest  cockpit. Really, that’s all it takes. And, hey, if you can throw your  jacket over one shoulder while maneuvering a rolling suitcase down a jet bridge, that’s all the better. No résumé required. Just send us  a headshot.” At press time, Isom added that the application pool  would unfortunately be restricted to the  male applicants who  would be able to convincingly play the part.
The Onion’s Summer 2022 Movie Preview #~# With the coronavirus pandemic pretend over and summer in full swing, Americans are headed back inside to the movie theaters where it’s nice and cool. The Onion highlights the most-anticipated films of summer 2022.
IT Guy Requests Employees Stop Placing Difficult-To-Remove Stickers On Him #~# CHICAGO—Emphasizing that people were specifically forbidden from vandalizing things that were technically company property, local IT guy Ron Freeman told employees Thursday to stop placing difficult-to-remove stickers on him. “Hi all, just a reminder to please, please stop putting stickers on my body—it’s unsightly, and I just spent the entire day scraping off sticky residue from my face, arms, and legs,” Freeman said in a company-wide email, adding that even though he had used various cleaning solutions, many parts of his body still had permanent marks where adhesives were placed. “Look, I know you want to customize me, but again, it creates more work for the entire team and decreases my value significantly. Also, just a reminder, if you spill on me, submit me to the IT desk immediately. Leaving me wet will only make it worse.” At press time, Freeman sent a follow-up sternly addressing employees who had dropped him, citing various dings and scratches found on his head.
Russian Journalist Auctions Off Nobel Peace Prize For $103.5 Million To Help Ukraine #~# Dmitry Muratov, the co-winner of the 2021 Nobel Peace Prize and the editor of one of Russia’s last major independent newspapers, auctioned off his Nobel medal for a record $103.5 million to aid children displaced by the war in Ukraine. What do you think?
Things To Never Say To Someone Who Owns A Pit Bull #~# Most pit bull owners are just as insane as the dogs they own. Never say the following things to someone who has a pit bull.
Grandma Coughing Better These Days #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Confirming that the woman finally turned a corner after symptoms first developed more than 20 years ago, sources confirmed Thursday that local grandmother Patricia Riner was coughing better these days. “She seems to be turning less purple during it, which is good,” said daughter Lori Billig, Riner’s oldest child, who noted that along with her improved color, the grandmother had made remarkable progress in her ability to breathe between coughs. “It’s a little looser. I guess I would say it’s less ‘crackly,’ so that’s nice. She’s finally back to her relatively less-sick self. Who knows how long these better coughs will last though, so we’ll try to enjoy them while we can.” At press time, sources reported Riner had coughed up blood.
Supreme Court Approves Use Of Public Money For Religious Education #~# The Supreme Court ruled that Maine cannot exclude religious schools from a state tuition assistance program, a decision that critics say further erodes the separation of church and state. What do you think?
Experts Recommend Raising Minimum Age For Committing Mass Shootings To 21 #~# WASHINGTON—In a policy recommendation they described as an important first step toward ending the nation’s gun violence epidemic, experts at the Brookings Institution suggested Wednesday that the minimum age for committing a mass shooting be raised to 21. “Though it would not prevent all deadly gun rampages, tightening the age restrictions on carrying out large-scale, indiscriminate murder is a common-sense reform that could save hundreds of lives,” said firearm policy expert Dan Pendleton, arguing that police should apprehend any mass shooter who fails to present an ID proving they are 21 years of age or older. “If someone is going to shoot up a school, shopping mall, or grocery store, we want to ensure they possess the rational decision-making skills of a mature adult with a fully developed brain. Too young, and they don’t have the judgment necessary to assess whether to pull the trigger on a crowd of innocent people.” The experts also recommended potential killers undergo a mandatory eight-class training course before they can obtain the mass shooter’s license most states require to open fire on the general public. 
New Footage Shows Uvalde Police Rushing Into School To Take Selfies With Shooter #~# UVALDE, TX—Creating another wave of anger toward the beleaguered police department, new footage released Wednesday showed Uvalde officers rushing into Robb Elementary School to take selfies with the shooter. “These police officers could have stopped the shooter in three minutes, but instead, they wasted over an hour taking group photos and comparing body armor,” said Steve McCraw, director of the Texas Department of Safety, who eviscerated the officers for shaking the shooter’s hand and asking him if he had ever considered a career in law enforcement. “At one point, responding officers had managed to take the shooter’s gun, but they only said, ‘Dude, sick piece,’ and handed it back. It’s absolutely unjustifiable that these officers found the time to goof around and make a TikTok video with the gunman, yet not a single one of them thought it would be prudent to take him out while they were filming.” At press time, McCraw added that surveillance footage showed the commanding officer holding open the door for the shooter as he entered the classroom.
Preacher Not Drenched In Sweat Must Not Be Very Connected To Holy Spirit #~# SAVANNAH, GA—Remarking upon his ability to proclaim the Gospel of the Lord without his pulse even rising, congregants at the local Church of the Divine Jesus told reporters Wednesday that their preacher, who was not drenched in perspiration, clearly had no direct connection to the Holy Spirit. “How am I supposed to believe God is working through Pastor Leon when there isn’t sweat pouring down his body?” said churchgoer Linda Hale, explaining that it was obvious the man wasn’t touched by the divine based on the fact that his button-down wasn’t sticking to his wet torso and he hadn’t rolled up his sleeves or even removed his jacket to shout “Hallelujah!” during his sermon. “This guy goes up there to the pulpit, gives a so-called testimony of his faith, and his eyes don’t roll back in his head or anything? If he wants to convince me we’re in the presence of the Lord, he needs to be on the floor of that sanctuary convulsing and in danger of swallowing his tongue.” At press time, a bead of sweat had finally appeared on the forehead of the preacher after he reportedly realized his calm meditation on God’s love had much of his congregation dozing off. 
Excerpts From Ginni Thomas’ Emails Attempting To Overturn The 2020 Election #~# “Tick tock, bitch.”
Florida Only State Not Preordering Toddler Covid-19 Vaccines #~# Florida governor Ron DeSantis has announced that he will not facilitate distribution of the Covid-19 vaccine for toddlers ahead of its final approval by the government, making Florida the only state not to do so, which could delay availability to children’s hospitals. What do you think?
Woman Throws Away All The Food In Grocery Store So She Won’t Be Tempted #~# ORLANDO, FL—Taking stock of anything on the shelves that looked remotely fatty, fried, or processed, local woman Abby Harding reportedly threw away all the food in the grocery store Wednesday so she wouldn’t be tempted. “Oh no, no, no, I know myself—if I have entire aisles of chips, cookies, and ice cream just lying around, I won’t have any self-control,” said Harding, who after reading the nutritional facts on several packaged goods, proceeded to walk down the aisles and throw everything that looked remotely tasty into a giant dumpster out back. “I know it’s kind of a waste, but if there are 30 packs of Oreos on the shelf tempting me, I’m 100% going to eat every single one of them. Oh my god, there are how many calories in a bag of Ruffles? Jesus. This whole chip aisle has to go.” At press time, sources said Harding looked in the produce section, couldn’t find anything that looked appetizing, and opted to buy 400 combo meals from  McDonald’s instead.
Zoetrope A Little Thin On Plot #~# SUGAR  LAND, TX—Sighing in disappointment at the threadbare narrative  techniques on display, local man Leeland Cheney, 43, told reporters  Wednesday that he found a zoetrope a little thin on plot. “Of course, it’s  technically impressive, but  the high-octane thrills  of a horse galloping up and down can only keep a person captivated for so long,”  said Cheney, adding that eventually most savvy viewers of the  cylindrical wheel-based animation would see right through the visual  effect wizardry and want some deeper reason to invest themselves in the  sight of a man in a bowler hat riding on the horse’s back. “What’s the  horse’s name, for example? Where is the horse going? Who is the mysterious figure on his back?  Or perhaps it’s a female horse. Either way, it’s all middle. No  beginning or end. Now, I’m all for artistic ambiguity, but this is  clearly just lazy storytelling.” Cheney went on to say that he planned to  give the zoetrope 30 more minutes to come to a satisfying resolution  before he gave up out of frustration.
Local 11-Year-Old Savoring Week Between Being Bullied At School, Bullied At Camp #~# HUTCHINSON, KS—Saying he always made sure to enjoy the annual respite from his many tormentors, local 11-year-old Liam Barlow told reporters Wednesday he was savoring the week between being bullied at school and being bullied at camp. “I’ve really been enjoying this little break I get where no one is knocking me on my ass in gym class and no one is shoving me off my bunk at camp,” said Barlow, explaining the brief downtime would allow the bruises he accumulated during fifth grade to heal prior to the start of routine beatings in his cabin after lights-out. “It feels good to know there isn’t anyone waiting around the corner—whether it’s on the school playground or at the camp archery range—to kick me in the balls and take my Switch. So I try to make the most of it. Granted, I’m probably still getting Instagram messages about how I’m a fuckface dick-muncher, but I’m just not going to check those this week.” At press time, Barlow’s momentary peace was reportedly shattered when his older brother shoved his head in the toilet and made him say he liked it. 
Indoor Cat Wouldn’t Last A Day In The High-Octane World Of Street Racing #~# DAYTON, OH—Claiming her beloved pet seldom left his spot on the sofa and had never honed his instincts for competitive driving, local woman Lizzy Gelson told reporters Wednesday that her indoor cat Fluffers wouldn’t last a day in the high-octane world of street racing. “This pampered little fella has never even left the house, let alone spent a night immersed in the adrenaline-fueled Tokyo street racing scene,” said Gelson, explaining that the coddled feline was far too sheltered from the outside world to know when to slam on the NOS of his modded-out Nissan Skyline and gun it through the narrow alleyways of a Japanese night market. “He was born inside; he grew up inside. What? You think he has some kind of natural, in-born skill allowing him to maneuver an 800-horsepower machine in dangerous underground tunnels, speed through the plate-glass window of a Harajuku skyscraper, and win both the race and  the heart of a skimpily dressed model named Passion? Not a chance.” At press time, witnesses confirmed Fluffers was doing donuts in a supermarket parking lot.
Children Served Floor Sealant Instead Of Milk At Alaska Day Care #~# Twelve elementary school children in Juneau, AK drank floor sealant they thought was milk after it was served to students at a summer care program, the chemical revealed to have been stored in a food warehouse by mistake. What do you think?
Experts Say Ongoing Institutional Crisis In Haiti Could Be Decisive Piece Of Knowledge That Makes You Seem Smart #~# NEW  YORK—In a press conference addressing the ongoing situation in the  Caribbean country, an expert council at the U.N. announced Tuesday that  Haiti’s ongoing institutional  crisis could be the decisive piece of  knowledge that makes you seem smart. “We’re seeing an alarming decline  in institutional stability and trust in the Haitian judicial system, both of which you could bring up in a casual conversation or at a cocktail  party in order to give the impression that you are an intelligent  person,” said U.N. political scientist Javier Escarra, who speculated that  even deploying the phrase “Haitian president Ariel Henry” when speaking  to a coworker, friend, or family member would likely inspire those people to  respect you due to your knowledge of current affairs. “What you say about  the political situation in Haiti and its roots in the country’s history  doesn’t even have to be correct, per se. But it will stand alongside  other pieces of knowledge such as the productivity crisis in Japan and  France’s use of nuclear power to create the perception that you know  what you’re talking about. And that will make acquaintances  look at you  and say, ‘That person is competent. I should stop talking and listen to  them.’” Experts added that this knowledge would unfortunately not  change the fact that you are  very, very stupid.
Friend Who Doesn’t Drink Announces Plans To Buy Weirdest Fucking Soda Imaginable #~# MILWAUKEE—Stressing that he would much rather indulge in something flavored with huckleberry or an essence of sarsaparilla, Jason Torres, a local friend who doesn’t drink, announced plans Tuesday to buy the weirdest fucking soda imaginable. “Yes, I used to enjoy alcohol, but now I prefer to drink new and fun things like a watermelon soda made from cane sugar, or this awesome orange cola that you can only find in Iowa City,” said Torres, who, after picking up several bottles filled with different neon shades of pink, blue, and green, yelled “jackpot” when he apparently found a limited-edition bottle of Granny Smith apple-flavored soda from an obscure brand no one had ever seen or heard of before. “The truth is, I don’t miss drinking at all, because there are so many interesting and unique new flavors of soda to try. Oh, maybe I’ll buy this soda from Japan that has a cool opening mechanism. Or should I get this pickle-flavored one? Eh, screw it, I’ll just get both. It should only cost me around 25 bucks.” At press time, Torres could not be reached for comment, as he was stuck trying to decide which flavor of potato chip—cinnamon bun, Sloppy Joe, or bacon-mac-and-cheese—would best accompany his weird-ass soda.
Texans Explain Why They Are Voting For Greg Abbott #~# After taking a hard-line stance on issues like abortion, trans rights, and gun control, Gov. Greg Abbott is up for reelection in Texas. The Onion asked supporters why they are voting for him, and this is what they said.
BTK Ready To Start Dating Again #~# EL DORADO, KS—Saying he’d had time to work through many of his personal issues, El Dorado Correctional Facility inmate and serial murderer Dennis Rader, known as the BTK killer, told reporters Tuesday he was ready to start dating again. “Though I haven’t been the best partner—or even person—in the past, I’ve done a lot of self-reflection over the years, and I think it’s finally time for me to get back out there,” said Rader, who used a pseudonym that stood for “bind, torture, kill” when he murder 10 people in the 1970s and ’80s, adding that while he had made a lot of mistakes in his younger days, that was all behind him now, and he was hopeful he could still find “the one.” “Was I to blame for a lot of my relationship failures? Yes, but I also know it takes two to tango, and there’s no sense pointing fingers. Better to let bygones be bygones and open myself up to new possibilities. Am I’m afraid of getting hurt? A little bit, sure. But I’m also a hopeless romantic who loves the chase, and I’m ready to let myself be a part of someone’s life again.” Rader went on to say he wasn’t worried about finding someone who shared his kinks, noting that he had never let it stop him in the past.
Mental Health Experts Warn Lack Of Purpose, Accomplishments Could Be Sign Democratic Leaders Depressed #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that such behavior pointed to a textbook diagnosis of the psychological disorder, Georgetown University mental health researchers released a study Tuesday warning that the lack of purpose, accomplishments, and all-around drive among the nation’s Democratic leaders could be a sign they are depressed. “Sadly, the inability to accomplish basic daily tasks such as passing bills or articulating any clear sense of what they’re doing in Congress suggests the party’s leadership is going through a major depressive episode,” said psychologist and study co-author Harold Rubenstein, adding that an especially worrying sign was that Speaker Nancy Pelosi and President Biden seemed to have lost virtually all interest in past favorite activities like talking down to blue-collar voters and grandstanding over racial progress. “It often seems as if they’re simply going through the motions when they putter around the Senate floor and discuss passing common-sense gun control. Honestly, you look into the eyes of Majority Leader Schumer or Vice President Harris, and it’s unclear if they even see a reason to be alive anymore.” The researchers added that GOP leaders such as Mitch McConnell appeared to be more self-actualized and assured of their purpose in life than ever.
China Says It May Have Detected Signals From Alien Civilizations #~# Scientists in China have claimed that the country’s enormous “Sky Eye” telescope may have picked up trace signals from a distant alien civilization in a recently posted and subsequently deleted report. What do you think?
Encouraging Report Finds Most Of Planet Will Still Be Habitable In 2023 #~# NEW YORK—Reversing long-held theories about the potentially devastating effects of climate change, scientists published an encouraging report Monday that found most of the planet would still be habitable in 2023. “While many are understandably nervous about the future of our rapidly changing world, our data optimistically suggests that Earth will largely be able to continue to sustain human life through much of next year,” said lead researcher Dr. Jessie Lansing, adding that promising models showed that rising sea levels, destructive weather events, and increased temperatures would largely not cause widespread extinction among Earth’s population within the next 365 days. “The findings are still preliminary, but we are confident in saying that by 2023, at least 50% of Earth will not yet be destroyed by mass extinctions, famine, fires, diseases, or floods. Contrary to many doomsday scenarios, humanity will continue to exist on Earth until at least 2024—and maybe even longer, if we’re lucky.” At press time, Lansing added that the encouraging findings also indicated that human life could continue on as normal for as long as the next 24 to 48 hours.
Britney Spears Placed Under Conservatorship Again After Court Determines She’s Having Too Much Fun #~# LOS ANGELES—Alarmed by what she called “confident and carefree behavior,” a superior court judge reportedly placed Britney Spears back under a conservatorship Monday after determining the pop star was having too much fun. “Ms. Spears is clearly having the time of her life in a way I find extremely concerning,” said Judge Brenda Penny, who pointed to the horse-drawn carriage at Spears’ wedding and photos from a recent Hawaiian vacation as just two instances of headline-grabbing behavior that could only be described as “disturbingly fun.” “No one in America should be enjoying themselves this much. Selena Gomez and Drew Barrymore at your wedding? It seems that Ms. Spears is once again out of control.” At press time, Penny highlighted the singer’s deleted Instagram account as just another glaring example that Spears was mentally in a good place.
Christian Parents Encourage Child To Save Self For Church Leader #~# HOUSTON—Drawing upon their own experience growing up in the church, local Christian married couple Jonathan and Rebecca Bell have encouraged their daughter to save herself for a church leader, sources confirmed Monday. “Whether he’s a minister, youth pastor, or high-ranking member on the executive committee, we promise your person is out there waiting for you,” said 37-year-old Rebecca Bell, who stressed that sex was a gift from God strictly reserved as an act between a young child and whatever church leader got there first. “It’s important you stay pure for that special someone, and if he really cares about you, he’ll wait until he’s in the right position of power to exploit you. We understand you may be tempted, but sex is something you won’t be prepared for until you’re much older, like 14 or 15. If you have any questions, you can always turn to the Bible.” At press time, Bell added that the child’s first time would be something she would remember forever.
Whole Conversation Wasted Getting To Know New Neighbors Who Were Just Airbnb Guests #~# PORTLAND, OR—Feeling absolutely duped by the strangers in his building, local resident Edward Siede told reporters Monday that he wasted a whole conversation getting to know his new neighbors who turned out to just be Airbnb guests. “I lost a full 30 minutes of my time talking to these people I thought had moved into the apartment next door but were actually just here visiting,” said Siede, adding that he had asked the couple where they were from and what kind of music they listened to only to find out later they were merely in town for the weekend. “I haven’t made a real human connection like this in years. It’s honestly so disappointing. I figured I was gonna say ‘Hey’ when I passed them in the hallway sometimes. God, I even said ‘Welcome to the neighborhood’ and offered them some suggestions for good places to eat, when they’ve probably had a visitors’ guide right there in the apartment this whole fucking time.” Siede added that their short stay was probably why they looked at him weird when he asked if they’d like to swing with him and his wife sometime.
Biggest Revelations From The Jan. 6 Hearings #~# In perhaps its most shocking takeaway, the Jan. 6 committee revealed the election was rigged.
Employee Always Complaining About No Time Off Suddenly Upset About Getting Fired #~# NEW YORK—Noting the abrupt and dramatic shift in the man’s attitude toward work, Lindwasser Insurance Group president Brad Lindwasser told reporters Monday that one of his employees who regularly complained about not having enough days off was suddenly upset about getting fired. “He was always saying he needed more time away from work, and he has it now, so I really don’t understand what the problem is,” said Lindwasser, explaining that he had hoped the outgoing employee, Ed Pinzetti, would be excited about getting let go from the company after 10 years of tireless service and finally being able to take the trip to Shenandoah National Park he often talked about. “Last year Ed told me he was overworked and needed to see his family more, and now that he has the opportunity to stay home with his newborn son, he just seems angry. The guy wants more free time, I lay him off, I even make his termination effective immediately—which I didn’t have to do—and this is the thanks I get. Look, if he really wanted to work in this office, why was he always asking for a vacation from it? It makes no sense.” Lindwasser added that Pinzetti should also appreciate no longer having to pay the health insurance premiums he always thought were too expensive.
Study Finds U.S. Could Have Saved 338,000 Lives From Covid With Universal Healthcare #~# According to a new study, the U.S. could have saved more than 338,000 lives and more than $105 billion in healthcare costs in the Covid-19 pandemic with a universal healthcare system, citing delayed diagnosis and exacerbated transmission for the uninsured or underinsured in the current system. What do you think?
Fed Raises Interest Rates In Effort To—Hey, Pay Attention, This Is Important! #~# WASHINGTON—With inflation at a 40-year high, the Federal Reserve raised its benchmark interest rate this week in an effort to—hey, come on, pay attention, this is really important! The Consumer Price Index has gone up 8.6% since May of last year, and so the Fed’s hike of three-quarters of a point is aimed at…hello? Wake up! Look, I know it’s not the most exciting thing in the world, but this rate jump is the biggest since 1994. Are you with me still? You’re focused? Promise? Okay, good, because the cost of borrowing money, while still relatively low in historic terms, may continue to—yo! Are you seriously checking your Instagram right now? What the hell? I realize reports from the Fed aren’t as thrillingly paced as a Marvel movie, but this affects the whole fucking economy! Including you! If you want to buy a car or a home, it’s going to make a huge difference, okay, shithead? Get it together for five goddamn seconds so we can tell you the Fed is struggling to walk a tightrope between potential ’70s-style stagflation and a devastating economic crash. Actually, you know what? Forget it. Do whatever the fuck you want. See if we care. Prick.
New Black Wristbands Designated For Visitors Condemned To Spend Eternity At Water Park #~# NEW BRAUNFELS, TX—Dooming parkgoers to an eternity of family fun in the sun, a new black wristband was unveiled Friday for visitors condemned to spend the rest of time at Schlitterbahn Waterpark. “We are happy to offer our new accursed black wristbands to those damned to endlessly wander the world’s largest and most eclectic collection of water rides,” said Schlitterbahn spokesperson Maggie Lee, adding that for only $35 per month, lost souls could wade the lazy river, remain trapped on downward-spiraling water slides, and enjoy the park’s many concessions forever with no respite. “This raven-black wristband gives visitors no choice but to explore the Master Blaster Uphill Water Coaster, Boogie Bahn Surfing Ride, Cliffhanger Tube Chute, and Bamboozle Bay Heated Pool for an infinite number of years. A permanent shackle upon the wrists of the blighted, it also entitles the wearer to one free foot-long chili-cheese dog basket during their unending stay in a watery prison of no escape.” Asked if reentry to the water park was permitted with black wristbands, Lee explained that wearers who attempted to leave would have their souls ripped from their bodies and lose all privileges at the swim-up bar.
Jan. 6 Rioters Explain Why They Stormed The Capitol #~# Thus far, more than 300 people who stormed the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, have pleaded guilty. The Onion asked them why they participated in the insurrection, and this is what they said.
Grandma Didn’t Exactly Live In 6 Countries Because She Loved To Travel #~# OAK PARK, IL—Upon receiving information that dispelled his previously held notion that the woman was just “a real jet-setter,” local man Josh Novak was reportedly surprised to learn Friday that his grandmother didn’t exactly live in six countries because she loved to travel. “I always thought travel was Grandma’s passion, but it turns out she’s mostly worldly against her will,” said Novak, who was taken aback to discover his grandmother had not, in fact, been sightseeing after the war. “I was hoping she’d have some sweet stories about Austria, but they were actually kind of a bummer. She didn’t even take any photos. It’s like she was always too distracted by just trying to get the hell out of wherever she was.” At press time, sources reported Novak was attempting to convince his grandmother to try on her old SS uniform. 
Kid With Kitchen Play Set In Bedroom One-Upped By Poor Friend Who Sleeps Next To Real Stove #~# HOUSTON—As she marveled in awe that a child could be so lucky, sources confirmed that local 8-year-old Madison Fritsch, who reportedly has a kitchen play set in her bedroom, had been one-upped Friday by a poor friend who actually got to sleep next to a real stove. “Wow, I thought having a toy kitchen in my room was cool, but this is so much better!” said Fritsch, admiring the small, worn mattress that lay on a linoleum floor near an old electric range and full-size drawers filled with “grown-up” kitchen knives instead of plastic imitations. “I like to use my play set to pretend I’m cooking dinner for my little brother and sister, but she gets to do that for real when it’s 8 or 9 p.m. and her mom still isn’t home yet. I’m so jealous.  It really turns on and everything!” Fritsch added that her envy only increased when her friend explained how she could also use the oven to keep herself from getting too cold at night. 
Ancient Greek ‘Yearbook’ Discovered On 2,000-Year-Old Tablet #~# A recently translated 2,000-year-old Greek marble tablet is being recognized as a primitive version of a yearbook that includes the signatures of students completing ephebate, a military training and civic education program of the era. What do you think?
Company Offering $2,000 To Release 100 Cockroaches Into Home #~# A pest control company in Raleigh, NC is offering $2,000 to release 100 cockroaches into the homes of volunteers as part of a study on the efficacy of various DIY cockroach treatments. What do you think?
Tampon Shortage Solved After Woman Shakes Out Bag #~# HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—Following weeks of low stock and empty shelves at many of the nation’s drugstores, the maker of Tampax products announced Thursday that the tampon shortage had been resolved after a local woman shook out her bag and rummaged through all the items that had accumulated inside it. “Thankfully, we have been able to source enough tampons from one woman’s purse to ease demand for the foreseeable future,” said a spokesperson for Procter & Gamble, confirming the industry’s supply chain issues were resolved when 25-year-old California native Claire McMahon fished a few Tampax supers from the bottom of her over-the-shoulder bag during a night out, and eventually decided to turn the whole thing over on a table to see what exactly she had in there. “All it took to solve this crisis was one single shake of a large leather Madewell bag, the contents of which we then passed along to distributors and retailers. Among the lipsticks, wallet, and loose pieces of gum were hundreds of thousands—if not millions—of tampons of all different sizes, scents, and brands. Ms. McMahon generously offered them to anyone who needed one, saying she got most of them for free anyway from the bathrooms of her office and gym.” At press time, McMahon told the nation to help themselves, but maybe don’t use the one that a granola bar melted on.
Top Experts Divided On Whether It’s Better To Beat The Heat Or Have Fun In The Sun #~# WASHINGTON—Debating the best public course of action for dealing with the record-breaking temperatures expected across the country this week, top experts were reportedly divided Thursday on whether it was better to beat the heat or have fun in the sun. “On the one hand, heatstroke is very serious and people should stay indoors as much as possible; however, it’s so nice out, people are gonna want to soak up those sweet, sweet rays while they can,” said Deanne Criswell, administrator of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, explaining that government and health officials failed to reach a consensus on whether the public should stay hydrated and avoid alcoholic beverages, or should be advised to head down to the beach with friends to crack open a few cold brews and toss a Frisbee around because the weather was just perfect for it. “While it could be better for people to wear light clothing, frequently apply high-SPF sunscreen, and take frequent breaks from the heat, it’s also the case that lying out to achieve that bronze, sun-kissed tan is a great way to spend an afternoon. Yes, the sun’s rays are harsh and could lead to skin cancer, so everyone should stay in air-conditioned rooms during times when temperatures are at their peak, but come on, you only live once, right? Let’s boogie!” Criswell added that the one issue all experts were in agreement on was the necessity of investing in one of those umbrella hats to keep the sun out of one’s eyes.
Study Links Postpartum Depression To Baby Immediately Slapping, Flipping Off Mother After Birth #~# NEW YORK—In what doctors are calling a landmark discovery vital to understanding mental health, a new study published Thursday in The American Journal Of Psychology  found that postpartum depression was directly linked to a baby immediately slapping and flipping off its mother after birth. “In terms of a woman developing postpartum depression, the biggest indicator by far was the baby exiting the vagina, making contact with their mother for the first time and then, five seconds later, calling her ‘a fat ugly bitch,’” said lead author Dr. Charles Gunderson, adding that a mother was far more likely to suffer insomnia, loss of appetite, and have difficulty bonding with her baby if the infant immediately told her to “fuck off and die.” “Of the thousands of women we studied, six out of 10 mothers indicated they’d felt anxiety, mood swings, and guilt the second their newborn  jumped out of their arms, spit in their face, and told them to ‘clean that up you dirty whore.’ Worse still, almost 90% of women surveyed confirmed that these feelings persisted after the baby mocked them either by miming fake tears or pretending to play the world’s smallest violin with their fingers.” Gunderson also added that, sadly, the most reliable indicator of maternal suicide was a newborn baby slowly drawing a finger across their neck and mouthing the words “You’re next.”
Most Frequent Google Search In Every State #~# jobs in segregation
BREAKING: Onion Lotto Jackpot Up To 9 Bucks #~# CHICAGO—Boasting the largest payout in the history of the game, officials announced Thursday that the Onion Lotto Jackpot was now up to nine bucks. “Play the Onion Lottery now for your chance to win the grand prize of nine whole dollars—and counting,” the statement read in part, adding that it was not too late to buy a ticket for tonight’s Onion Mega Jackpot Pick-3 Power Number drawing, which stands to pay out a truly lunch-changing amount of money to one lucky winner. “Play now to win big! Pick any three numbers or letters and an Onion Lotto representative will contact you if you have won. Terms and conditions apply. Winners may choose to receive the payout in one lump sum or one dime a year for 90 years. Winnings are taxable at 400% of the payout amount, payable directly to The Onion. Should no winners be selected, the grand prize will continue to grow until it reaches the maximum payout of 11 bucks, at which point a winner will be selected at random from TheOnion.com’s visitor logs. Good luck!” At press time, reports confirmed one lucky winner from Illinois had hit the Onion Bonus Ball for a free entry into the Onion Lotto Summer Sweepstakes and a chance to win $32.50 in cash and prizes.
Motorcycle-Revving Janet Yellen Folds Up Picture Of Cryptocurrency Before Speeding Away #~# WASHINGTON—Wrapping her leather-gloved hand around the throttle of a vintage Harley-Davidson, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen folded up a picture of a highly volatile new cryptocurrency, revved her bike’s engine, and sped away in pursuit, sources at the scene reported Thursday. “You can run, but you can’t stay decentralized forever,” said Yellen, who committed the digital coin’s symbol to memory before she strapped on a fire-red helmet and raced off toward the horizon, leaving a plume of dirt and fumes behind her in the Treasury Department’s parking lot. “I’m coming for you, you son of a bitch. You’ve seen what happened to Dogecoin, to TerraUSD. Your freewheeling days of wild fluctuation won’t last forever. Not if Janet Yellen has any say in the matter.” Reached for comment, Yellen acknowledged she did not have any say in the matter, but hoped Congress would pass regulations to guard against the risks of digital currencies. 
Onion Gift Guide: Father’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Dad #~# Dads. Almost everyone has between one and one thousand, and it’s about time to give them their due. This Father’s Day, you don’t want to be the only one who isn’t lavishing your special dad or 1,000 dads with a gift that speaks to their own special interests. The Onion provides recommendations for the best Father’s Day gifts for each of the different types of dad.
New Ohio Law Allows School Employees To Carry Guns With 24 Hours Of Training #~# Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) signed a new bill into law that makes it easier for teachers and staff to carry guns on school premises, reducing the hours of training required for armed school personnel from 700 to 24. What do you think?
Over 100 Million Americans Under Extreme Heat Advisories Across U.S. #~# More than 100 million Americans are under a heat advisory this week, with officials urging people to stay indoors as record-breaking temperatures topping 10 to 30 degrees above normal are expected in many areas of the country. What do you think?
Biggest Republican Talking Points To Downplay January 6 #~# As the House committee on the Jan. 6 insurrection continues its public hearings, Republicans are scrambling to shift the blame away from themselves. Here are the biggest talking points the GOP is using to downplay the Capitol riots.
NASA Astronauts Prepare For Mission To Mars By Spending Year Living In Simulated Colony On Venus #~# GOEPPERT-MAYER  CRATER, VENUS—Saying the team would return with invaluable knowledge  about what’s needed to survive in a hostile environment, NASA astronauts  reportedly began preparing for a mission to Mars by spending a year  living in a simulated colony on Venus. “While it may not exactly mimic  the planetary conditions astronauts might eventually face, Venus’s 820 degrees Celsius days and unbreathable atmosphere of sulfur actually reasonably  represent what they might encounter on a real-life mission to Mars,”  said NASA administrator Bill Nelson of the training mission before  admitting that the experience of living 110 million miles away from  their families on Venus could never match the psychological strain of  being 138 million away on an actual Martian mission. “Despite just being  a simulation, it’s actually quite intense. We’ve already seen one  participant have to leave the mission due to the physical strain of  having his skull crushed by gravity 90 times Earth’s surface.  That—and the challenges of growing their own food on a planet that’s in a  continual molten state without immediately catching fire  themselves—make this a small step on the path to taking another giant  leap forward for mankind.” NASA added that this simulation came after a  training mission to Proxima Centauri 4.24 light years away failed to  produce interesting results and the participants simply returned home.
Philharmonic Orchestra Conductor Receives 8-Concert Suspension For Using Corked Baton #~# BOSTON—An investigation into the musician’s suspiciously powerful work concluded  Tuesday as Boston Philharmonic Orchestra conductor William Ness reportedly received an eight-concert suspension for using a corked baton. “We have a zero-tolerance policy against cheating, and Mr. Ness knew that, which is why we believe that a length suspension that will cause him to miss the summer concert series in the park is necessary to ensure we maintain integrity in our philharmonics,” said National Orchestra Association spokesperson Leonid Radzinsky, adding that Ness had been under investigation after an anonymous member of a competing orchestra alleged that the maestro’s baton sounded corked as it whirled through the air. “We’re disappointed that it had to come to an investigation, but Mr. Ness’ recent sharp increase in keeping the woodwinds coherent and controlling the volume of the timpani did raise some eyebrows. Normally you don’t see that much of a leap in precision unless the baton’s been tampered with to become lighter. We can’t end up in a situation where an audience member questions whether a conductor bringing in the cello section at the perfect time is due to skill alone or due to modifications that give them an unfair advantage. We need to ensure that the product we offer our fans is above suspicion.” The eight-concert suspension was reportedly the longest issued by the National Orchestra Association since Sacramento Philharmonic member Paul Vallis was suspended for the entirety of the 2003-04 concert season for rubbing pine tar on his tuba.
Kidnapper Surprised Pulling Out Hostage’s Fingernails Didn’t End Stockholm Syndrome #~# AUGUSTA, ME—Describing his astonishment after violently torturing his victim for hours on end Wednesday, a local kidnapper said he was shocked that pulling out his captive’s fingernails had not ended the man’s Stockholm syndrome. “Jeez, what do I have to do to keep this guy from smiling at me like I’m his best friend? He’s got it bad,” said hostage-taker and sociopath Steven Prill, 47, explaining that he had waterboarded his victim, attached jumper cables to his nipples, and even slaughtered his dog in front of him, but the man continued looking for ways to sympathize and bond with his captor. “I don’t know what his problem is. I haven’t given that guy so much as a bucket to piss in, let alone done anything to earn this kind of affection. He’s really starting to creep me out.” At press time, Prill was reportedly so disturbed after slicing off his hostage’s ear and hearing him say “thank you” that he released the man back to his family, stating that he never wanted to see him again. 
Two M&M Factory Workers Rescued After Falling Into Chocolate-Filled Vat #~# Two maintenance workers were rescued by firefighters after falling into a partially filled chocolate tank at a Mars Wrigley factory in Pennsylvania. What do you think?
Jennifer Hudson Achieves EGOT Status #~# Jennifer Hudson has won a Tony award for coproducing this year’s Best Musical winner, A Strange Loop, earning her the elite EGOT status, a distinction held by any artist who has won an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and a Tony Award in their career. What do you think?
Study: Inflation Forcing More Americans To Choose Between Buying Groceries, Aston Martin DBS #~# WASHINGTON—Revealing the punishing extent to which consumers were feeling the strain of rising prices, a new study from the Pew Research Center found Tuesday that inflation was forcing more Americans to choose between buying groceries or an Aston Martin DBS. “With the prices of supermarket staples like milk and bread at all-time highs, we’re seeing more families faced with making the difficult decision between eating dinner and going 0 to 62 miles per hour in 3.2 seconds,” said study author Celina Goodman, whose report found that 45% of all Americans had adjusted their grocery budgets in order to afford the $330,600 sports car. “It’s cutting back on the number of meals you have each week, or forgoing a twin-turbocharged engine with 715 horsepower. Millions of families are even considering downgrading to a Maserati, or something even less luxurious. It’s heartbreaking, but there are a lot of parents sending their kids to bed hungry.” At press time, Goodman added that rising gas prices had left 30% of Americans stranded in their grand tourers on the side of the highway. 
Nature Made Releases New Melatonin Formula Promising 40% Fewer Spider Nightmares #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to win over insomnia sufferers worried about side effects, dietary supplement brand Nature Made introduced a new melatonin formula Tuesday that promises 40% fewer nightmares in which horrible writhing spiders cover every surface in the room and cannot be escaped. “With this new over-the-counter tablet, those who struggle with sleeplessness will see their dreams about hundreds of spiders crawling in and out of their mouths as they try to scream cut almost in half,” said company spokesperson Carlos Ibsen, who explained that after 15 years of research, Nature Made was excited to have finally developed a melatonin product that could regulate the body’s sleep-wake cycles while it also reduces the terrifying images of spiders bursting forth from massive, pulsating egg sacs that are common with the supplement. “For example, melatonin users who typically wake up shouting eight times a night due to dreams of being caught in a web while a giant tarantula feeds on their trapped, helpless body will now only have to do so about five times a night. Even nightmares of black widows crawling inside the sleeper’s ear to birth thousands and thousands of young have been partially eliminated.” Ibsen added that the new melatonin formula should only be used as directed due to the continued high risk of becoming trapped in a never-ending dream labyrinth of other-worldly horrors from which one may never waken.
‘Jeopardy!’ Contestant On Long Winning Streak Only Has Dark Anecdotes Left To Share #~# CULVER CITY, CA—After weeks of stories about how he likes to restore vintage Pontiacs, proposed to his fiancée with a message on the Yankee Stadium scoreboard, and once met Nick Nolte on an airplane, a 16-game winning streak reportedly left a Jeopardy! contestant with nothing but dark anecdotes to share Tuesday. “It was really then, when I’d drunk every drop of alcohol in a house that had just been foreclosed upon, that I decided I had nothing left to live for,” returning champion Arthur Tapper told host Ken Jennings, who after returning from commercial break had attempted to engage the 35-year-old marketing analyst in lighthearted banter with a question about his home brewing hobby. “My wife had taken the kids and moved in with her parents a couple months before. My last paycheck had been pissed away on the roulette wheel at Bally’s. But the knife just missed my radial artery, so that’s why I’m here today, Ken.” According to reports, Jeopardy! taping was temporarily halted after Tapper’s harrowing account of discovering his mother’s dead body at the age of 6 had left Jennings too shaken to tell the man he had selected the Daily Double.
Experimental Cancer Drug Sees 100% Success Rate In Clinical Trial #~# A small clinical trial testing the experimental drug dostarlimab saw 100% of rectal cancer cases go into remission, with oncologists saying the unprecedented results have the potential of being a huge step forward in cancer research. What do you think?
Americans Explain Why They Oppose Abolishing The Police #~# “If I get mugged, I need to call someone who can show up afterward and tell me it was a damn shame.”
Politician Supports Right Of Protesters To Assemble Anywhere SUV Can Plow Through Them #~# WASHINGTON—In response to the continuing debate over the ethics of public demonstration, Rep. Lyle Goodrich (R-CA) told reporters Wednesday that he supports the right of protesters to assemble anywhere an SUV can plow through them. “Americans absolutely have the right to make their voices heard in public spaces where an SUV could easily gain speed and mow down a whole group,” said Goodrich, adding that being able to ram a full-size SUV into a crowd of demonstrators was a vital American tradition that he would stop at nothing to protect. “Freedom of assembly means that U.S. citizens have the right to have their arms, legs, and skulls pinned under the tires of a large pickup truck, or even a mid-size sedan. The founders are very clear on the right to assemble anywhere a 5,000-pound vehicle can take out a dozen in a single maniac burst, and the First Amendment protects your right to make your voice heard while shouting from the wheel well of an Escalade. Whether it’s a march, a gathering outside an official’s home, or a candlelight vigil, if you can drive an SUV into the crowd and run over a hundred people within seconds, I support it.” Goodrich added that he is also a staunch supporter of letting protesters demonstrate within the crosshairs of a law enforcement sniper’s gun.
U-Haul Full Of White Supremacists Planning Riot At Pride Event Arrested #~# Idaho police officers arrested 31 people affiliated with the white naitonalist group Patriot Front on charges of conspiracy to riot after they were discovered packed into the back of a U-Haul truck with riot gear on the way to a nearby Pride event. What do you think?
HGTV Stars Reveal How They Cut Corners Behind The Scenes #~# HGTV makes home renovations look fast, easy, and fun, but the truth is, they have a dark side. The Onion asked the network’s stars how they cut corners behind the scenes, and this is what they said.
Ant Out Of Its Fucking Mind If It Thinks It Getting Any Of Man’s Pie #~# HOLLY, MI—Pulling his plate back from the approaching insect, local picnicker Mike Hansen told an ant Monday that it was out of its fucking mind if it thought it was getting any of his pie. “Excuse me, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Hansen said to the ant that paused slightly at the man’s movement before continuing across the picnic table to the slice of lemon meringue pie he was enjoying. “Oh, you think you’re just gonna waltz on up here from your little anthill, unannounced, and try to put those nasty insect feet all over my delicious slice of lemon meringue pie without so much as a ‘please’? Now, I know you must have lost your damn mind if you think I’m just gonna sit back and let you take my dessert without a fight.” At press time, Hansen reportedly gave the ant several unheeded warnings before flicking the rude insect 10 feet away from his picnic.
New Department Of Energy Program Incentivizes Pedestrians, Cyclists To Switch To Electric Vehicles #~# WASHINGTON—In keeping with its mission to address the nation’s environmental challenges, the Department of Energy introduced a new program Monday that provides pedestrians and cyclists with economic incentives to switch to electric vehicles. “As the effects of climate change worsen, we can no longer rely upon technologies as outdated as a bicycle or our own two feet,” said Energy Secretary Jennifer M. Granholm, explaining that the plan provides tax credits to those make the switch to a Chevrolet Bolt, Tesla, or other EV prior to the department’s proposed elimination of all bike lanes and sidewalks in 2028. “We simply cannot stay stuck in the past—biking to work or walking our kids to school—when the electric car is so vital to our future. We must make plans today to ensure a tomorrow in which all transportation is accomplished via heavily trafficked roads jam-packed with eco-friendly automobiles. We must use our heads, not our feet.” Granholm went on to acknowledge that before the goal of universal electric cars is achieved, there may be a transition period during which most Americans travel by electric skateboard. 
Must-Play Games On PlayStation Plus Premium #~# After months of feverish anticipation, Sony’s mammoth update to its PS Plus online service is finally here, unleashing hundreds of free titles—from AAA releases to indie sleeper hits—onto the gaming public. Here are the must-play games on PlayStation Plus Premium.
Nation Becoming More And More Comfortable Masturbating Indoors Again #~# WASHINGTON—As Covid restrictions continue to ease across the country, the nation has become more and more comfortable masturbating indoors again, sources confirmed Monday. “After more than two years of only allowing myself to masturbate outdoors, it’s nice to finally feel relaxed enough to jerk off inside, just like I used to,” said Maryland resident Ethan Middleton, echoing the sentiment of 330 million Americans as he expressed his relief at no longer having to trek to a public park or open-air farmers market just to pleasure himself. “Don’t get me wrong, after not masturbating indoors for so long, I do still get a bit nervous about beating off in places like movie theaters. But I’m slowly easing my way back into cranking one out during matinees.” At press time, Middleton added that he felt good after jacking off in an Uber for the first time since the pandemic started.
World’s Great White Sharks Call For Immediate Release Of All Caged Scuba Divers #~# THE OCEANS—Claiming the underwater explorers were wrongfully placed behind bars, the world’s great white sharks called Monday for the immediate release of all caged scuba divers. “These poor divers, who are held frightened and alone in these tiny cages, must be set free without delay,” said great white spokes-shark Niles Chamberlain, calling the isolation and psychological torment the divers experienced in the cages completely inhumane. “Are we not all God’s creatures? Why then do we allow the oppressed scuba divers to languish in their cages? They have no room to swim, they are trapped. Release them, release them now.” At press time, the activist sharks reportedly began encircling the  cages, thrashing, and trying to break out the scuba divers.
E.U. To Mandate Universal Charging Port For New Devices #~# European Union officials have agreed to mandate a single mobile charging port for new mobile phones, tablets, and cameras, designed to cut waste and make life easier for consumers by having the same USB-C port on multiple devices. What do you think?
Michigan GOP Governor Candidate Arrested For Role In Capitol Riots #~# The FBI have arrested Ryan Kelley, one of five Michigan Republican gubernatorial candidates, for his role in the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol, after a video captured Kelley in a crowd assaulting and pushing past Capitol police. What do you think?
‘American Idol’ Turns 20 #~# American Idol debuted on June 11, 2002, and the reality singing competition has delivered its share of crazy moments over its 20 seasons and counting. The Onion looks back at the show’s most memorable moments as American Idol celebrates its 20th anniversary.1950-2001: Music industry fails to successfully produce a single popular singer.
Conservatives Warn Watching Drag Shows Could Turn Children Into Attention Seekers #~# WASHINGTON—Outraged by reports of the family-friendly LGBTQ pride events, conservative pundits and lawmakers across the country warned Friday that watching drag queen performances could turn children into attention seekers. “Our impressionable young children are at risk of becoming brash, bold performers attempting to get cheers from everybody in the room,” said Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO), who slammed the all-ages shows as “immoral” and “perverse,” stating that she was deeply disturbed that any parent would take a child under 18 to a place where adults stood on stages and wore sequined, eye-catching clothing. “It’s completely inappropriate to take a young child to a show where people are reveling in the limelight. These poor children will only be confused, asking themselves, ‘Wait, if I lip-sync, can I get people to look at me too?’ It’s bad enough that Britney Spears’ choreography is freely available on YouTube for kids to memorize.” At press time, Boebert was calling for a ban on dancing in the presence of minors. 
North Dakota Constructs Billion-Dollar Stadium Just In Case Some NFL Franchise Gets Desperate #~# BISMARCK, ND—Explaining that they wanted to be prepared on the off-chance there might be interest, North Dakota officials announced Friday that the state had finished construction on a billion-dollar stadium just in case some NFL franchise got desperate. “Look, we know we’re not anybody’s top choice, but we figured we’d go ahead and build one now so it will be here should an NFL team ever decide they’re ready to try playing in a quieter town with a slower pace of life,” North Dakota governor Doug Burgum said of Bismarck’s 600,000-square-foot taxpayer-financed facility, which, along with its 20,000-space parking lot, required a low-income neighborhood to be leveled and hundreds of families to be displaced. “We’re going to put up some pictures of the stadium online and see if any owners bite. They wouldn’t have to use it right away. There’s no rush at all, really. It’ll be right here. It was pretty expensive to build, though, so if anyone is interested in the naming rights, we’re more than happy to call this thing Walmart Field or the Hyundai Dome or whatever.” Burgum went on to add that the stadium could double as an Olympic arena, should Bismarck ever be selected to host the Winter or Summer Games. 
Unsettling PETA Ad Features Sobbing Burger Giving Man Blow Job #~# NORFOLK, VA—In a dark, 30-second spot that has reportedly shocked and disgusted millions of viewers, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals ran an unsettling ad Friday in which a sobbing hamburger is seen giving a man a blow job. “Does this look ethical to you?” read words that appear onscreen in the commercial, which features disturbing footage of a pants-less man sitting in a chair with a burger around his genitals, and is completely silent expect for soft whimpering sounds made by the ground beef sandwich performing fellatio. “If it were up to the meat industry, every burger would be crying. Americans buy nearly 50 billion burgers a year. Next time, think about who pays the most for it.” The PETA ad concludes with the man zipping up his pants, taking a long drag from a cigarette, and casually throwing the burger in the trash.
Most Misguided Corporate Pride Campaigns #~# Brands, take note: Everyone can tell when you’re being supportive vs. when you’re being cringe. In honor of Pride Month, here are the most misguided corporate pride campaigns of all time.
Laura Dern And T. Rex Reexamine 68-Million-Year Age Gap In Original ‘Jurassic Park’ #~# LOS ANGELES—Reflecting on the relationship portrayed in the iconic 1993 blockbuster, Laura Dern and her co-starring T. rex spoke to reporters Friday and reconsidered their 68 million year age gap in the original Jurassic Park film. “It just seems a bit inappropriate that someone who grew up in the late Cretaceous period was partnered with a 23-year-old,” said Dern, noting that there were clear power dynamics at play, as the Tyrannosaurus rex was a deadly apex predator and outweighed her by more than 15,000 pounds. “Back then, it seemed fine, because a gap of that many years between a leading lady and a carnivorous theropod was pretty much the norm in Hollywood. But when you think about it, how are these characters from completely different eras of geologic time supposed to relate to each other? And why is it always the gigantic reptilian beast and never the human woman who is tens of millions of years older?” While agreeing with Dern, the T. Rex told reporters that Jurassic Park was in many ways progressive by ’90s standards, particularly in its use of an all-female dinosaur cast.
Ambien Unveils New 48-Hour Weekend Getaway Sleeping Pill #~# PARIS—Calling the drug the perfect solution for people who struggled to enjoy themselves, pharmaceutical company Sanofi unveiled Friday a new formulation of Ambien that it described as an extended-release, 48-hour weekend getaway sleeping pill. “Take just one of these pills Friday evening, and you’ll wake up Sunday night feeling rejuvenated and refreshed without the usual ennui and unrest that comes with the weekend,” said CEO Paul Hudson, who touted the drug, called Ambien 48, as an affordable and convenient alternative to filling the weekend with stress-inducing activities and events. “No social contact, no decision-making. All you have to do is down one pill with an 8-ounce glass of water, and you’ll glide into a personal vacation for one. You should not operate heavy machinery while using Ambien 48. In fact, do not attempt to get out of bed.” At press time, Hudson added that users should talk to their doctor before attempting to use Ambien 48 during a three-day weekend.
Argentina Confirms Hundreds Of Demons Hid Out In Nation For Years After War Between Heaven And Hell #~# BUENOS  AIRES—In a statement expressing deep contrition for its role in  harboring the infernal criminals, the government of Argentina confirmed  Thursday that hundreds of demons hid out in the nation for decades  after the Great War Between Heaven and Hell. “Today, we apologize for  our nation’s unforgivable choice to provide safe haven to these  contemptible devils and hobgoblins in the wake of the final conflict  between Lucifer and Our Lord,” said President Alberto Fernández,  condemning in particular the decision of many Argentines to open their homes  to close collaborators in Satan’s nefarious regime, among them Belial,  Moloch, Baal, and Thammuz. “When no other country would accept these  malignant fiends, we gave them safe passage, ignoring their   horrendous crimes in return for payments in blessed chalices, divine  vessels, and other heavenly artifacts plundered from   cherubim and seraphim. In fact, many Argentine women chose to intermarry with the demons, causing  countless children of that era to become eternally damned hellspawn.”  Fernández added that Argentina hoped to make amends for their crimes by  extraditing a 930-year-old demon to the Kingdom of Heaven to undergo  trial for crimes against divinity.
Nationwide 988 Suicide Prevention Hotline Launching This Summer #~# This summer, every state will be rolling out 988 as the new National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number to call for mental health crises, similar to how people can call 911 for medical emergencies. What do you think?
Poll Shows Nearly Half Of Republicans Say U.S. Has To ‘Accept’ Mass Shootings #~# A new poll found that 44% of Republican voters surveyed say that mass shootings are “something we have to accept as part of a free society,” while 85% of Democrats and 73% of Independents say they are preventable “if we really tried.” What do you think?
New Law Safeguards 50 Million Children From Threats Of Gun Violence By Adding Them To Supreme Court #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to prevent further gun deaths among minors, Congress passed a new law Thursday safeguarding 50 million children from threats of gun violence by adding them to the Supreme Court. “This law will do the important work of protecting these kids from those who wish to harm them with guns by putting them on the bench of the U.S. Supreme Court,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), explaining the children would have the same 24/7 Secret Service detail that is offered to all justices, agents who are willing to take a bullet for the youth when they’re at the playground, a public pool, or school. “Now that these children are members of the highest court in the land, they will no longer have to worry about a rogue gunman taking their lives. This law could protect millions of children, as anyone who is found carrying a firearm in their near vicinity will be immediately detained and face criminal charges.” At press time, Pelosi emphasized that the children would be forced to recuse themselves in cases involving gun rights, due to a conflict of interest.
Ukrainians Reflect On The First 100 Days Of The War #~# On Feb. 24, 2022, Russia invaded Ukraine. The Onion interviewed Ukrainians and asked them to reflect on the first 100 days of war. This is what they said.
Must-Read Reflections On Pride Month #~# June is Pride Month, and with it comes a variety of essays, meditations, and musings on the month’s meaning, as well as on LGBTQ+ history in America writ large. The Onion sifts through the many essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile reflections on Pride Month.
Iditarod Dog Found Safe Months After Disappearing From Checkpoint #~# An Iditarod sled dog was found safe after disappearing from a checkpoint in the race three months ago and covering nearly 150 miles. What do you think?
Ob-Gyn Clarifies She Doesn’t Have To Hear About Foot Stuff #~# MONTCLAIR, NJ—Listening and attempting to be respectful as her patient outlined her most recently sexual activity, local obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Patty Walsh clarified Thursday that she didn’t actually have to hear about any foot stuff. “As a female reproductive specialist, I absolutely do need to learn your medical history, but I don’t necessarily need to know about intercourse or arousal involving feet or toes,” said Walsh, adding that any problems related to rubbing, licking, or sucking feet would probably be best suited for another medical professional. “While I appreciate your honesty and the level of detail you’re providing, when I asked about partners, I wasn’t talking about members of the foot fetishist community whom you sent photos of your feet to online. Now, if this story eventually leads to a concern about an STD or a pregnancy, I’m all ears, but if it stops at foot stuff, we should probably move on.” The ob-gyn went on to tell her patient that no, she did not need to remove her socks for the exam, and no, she did not care about what her partners would think about how her feet looked in stirrups.
New Abortion Waiting Period Law Requires Women To Spend Night In Creepy Old House On Hill #~# JACKSON, MS—In an effort to make sure all patients understood the severity of the procedure, Mississippi passed a new waiting period law Thursday requiring all abortion seekers to spend the night in a creepy old house on the hill. “That house, the old Taylor house, that’s where any woman who wants an abortion will have to go to think things over,” said Gov. Tate Reeves, who noted that the dilapidated old mansion had sat empty ever since the entire family who lived there had been found brutally murdered in their beds and covered in blood over 100 years ago. “They say a neighborhood kid snuck in a few years ago on a dare, and he was never quite the same. Killed himself not too long after. Anyone seeking an abortion will have to first slip through the rusted gate and spend the night all by themselves. No phones, no company. And no matter what happens, you can’t leave—or else you’re not getting that abortion.” At press time, Reeves added that if women listened closely, they would be able to hear the sound of a fetal heartbeat coming from beneath the floorboards.
Harris Announces Nearly $2 Billion In Private Investment To Stem Migration #~# Vice President Harris touted $1.9 billion in new investments from the private sector to address root causes of migration driving people out of Central America. What do you think?
Woman Beelining For Music Festival Porta Potties Must Have Come Specifically To See Them #~# MOUNT STERLING, KY—Saying she appeared to have purchased her ticket solely for the self-contained chemical toilets, witnesses told reporters Wednesday that Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival attendee Angelica Brichford, who was spotted beelining it for the porta potties, must have come specifically to see them. “The second the gates opened and the crowd poured in, she just sprinted off toward the porta potties, so I can only assume she’s a huge fan,” said festivalgoer Todd Vogel, who explained that Brichford got right up to the front at the porta potties, after not even pausing to listen to any of the acts on the stages she passed along the way. “To be honest, I didn’t even see the porta potties on the event poster. Don’t get me wrong—I’m glad they’re here, and I’ll probably check them out later on. But this woman was apparently very anxious to make it over to the porta potties as soon as possible.” Reached for comment, Brichford expressed disappointment, telling reporters the porta potties used to be way better back in the day.
Russia Invades Ukraine: The First 100 Days #~# Friday, June 3, marked 100 days since Russia launched an invasion of Ukraine, and the war shows no signs of ending. The Onion looks back at the conflict’s key events so far. 
Apple Users Will Soon Be Able To Unsend And Edit Sent iPhone Text Messages #~# Apple has revealed that users will soon be able to delete and edit iMessages after they have been sent, a feature that will be available later this year in an iOS 16 update. What do you think?
Deshaun Watson Rethinks Life Choices After Finding Self On Browns #~# CLEVELAND—In the wake of news headlines detailing yet another scandal involving the NFL quarterback,  Deshaun Watson admitted to reporters Wednesday that he was seriously rethinking his life choices after finding himself on the Cleveland Browns. “There’s no clearer sign that you’ve completely hit rock bottom than realizing you’re on the field at FirstEnergy Stadium,” said a visibly distraught Watson, adding that he hoped being on the Cleveland Browns roster provided the wake-up call he needed to finally turn his life around. “I went through some times when things got pretty bad, and I just ignored it and kept going. But then one day, it hit me: I’m in the Cleveland Browns’ home locker room, and I have no one to blame but myself. In some ways, I’m grateful to end up here—it’s like the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe you just have to find yourself in my position, realizing that everything you’ve done in life has led you to quarterbacking the Browns, to understand how bad things have truly gotten. I only hope there’s still time to get back on track, and maybe, if I work hard enough, I can end up in the NFC West someday.” At press time, Watson had reportedly gone on an angry drug-fueled binge after someone offered him a look at the rest of the Browns’ roster. 
Visa Announces Cards Can Now Be Inserted, Swiped, Tapped, Bent, Clapped, Rolled, Shoved, Thrown, Dangled, Slid, Or Whacked #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to make transactions “easier than ever,” financial services conglomerate Visa announced Wednesday that consumers could now insert, swipe, tap, bend, clap, roll, shove, throw, dangle, slide, or whack their cards to complete a purchase. “Push it, bounce it, bash it, scratch it—using your Visa card has never been  more fun or convenient,” said CEO Alfred Kelly, who encouraged customers to twirl, fondle, or even tickle their debit or credit card near a card reader the next time they were at a drugstore, supermarket, or other participating retailer.  “If you’d like to make your card perform a little dance across the card reader, be my guest. Feel free to chuck, slap, or slingshot your card. There’s no end to the new and exciting ways you can pay for goods and services with your Visa. Personally, I like to dropkick mine.” At press time, Kelly was demonstrating how customers could attach their card to a radio-controlled helicopter to crash it into the reader.
Judi Dench Wondering Why She Never Became More Of A Gay Icon #~# OUTWOOD, ENGLAND—Questioning where her 65-year career on stage and screen had gone wrong, actress Judi Dench  reportedly wondered aloud Wednesday why she had never become more of a gay icon. “Sure, I’ve had a gay fan or two tell me they appreciated my performance in Chocolat, but it’s not like you ever see my name popping up in PinkNews listicles with Bette Midler and Cher,” said Dench, who expressed  utter bewilderment that she had not yet landed the highly coveted status despite being a British actress in her late eighties with roles in an Ivory and Merchant adaptation of A Room With A View and a West End production of Cabaret. “What the hell does Liza Minelli have that I don’t? I’m a dame, for God’s sake. Shouldn’t that count for something? Once, I went into a gay bar with friends, and no one even looked up. Jesus Christ. What have I  even been doing all my life?” At press time, sources confirmed the desperate actress was on the phone begging Tom Hooper to make a Cats sequel. 
Politicians Explain Why They Took Donations From The NRA #~# The National Rifle Association continues to be a major lobbying force in American politics, shaping the agenda in Washington through targeted donations. The Onion asked members of Congress why they accepted these donations, and this is how they responded.
Nationwide Lifeguard Shortage Could Postpone Thousands Of Sexual Awakenings #~# MILWAUKEE—Amid a continuing labor shortage impacting small towns and cities across the country, officials warned Wednesday that the inability to fill lifeguard positions could postpone thousands of sexual awakenings. “Without anyone jogging along the beach while their breasts move up and down in slow motion, we fear that it could be months or even years before teens experience that first strange feeling that begins as a little tickle but grows into a robust feeling of their own sexuality,” said Milwaukee County Parks official Shannon Millard, who stated that with the difficulties the department was facing now, there was no way that 13-year-old boys could expect to fake drowning in order to receive mouth-to-mouth from a buxom high school senior any time soon. “There will be no attempts to impress the lifeguard by doing an awesome flip off the diving board, no boners to hide with an inner tube. At the rate things are going, these youths could go their whole lives without becoming aroused by the mere scent of sunscreen.” At press time, the parks department was offering a $1,000 signing bonus to any lifeguard who would slowly emerge from the pool as drops of water gleamed upon their supple body.
Ron DeSantis Vetoes Funds For Tampa Bay Rays After Tweets Against Gun Violence #~# Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis blocked state funding for a new Tampa Bay Rays training facility in part because the baseball team spoke out against gun violence in the wake of back-to-back gun-related massacres in Uvalde, TX and Buffalo, NY. What do you think?
Nation’s Moms Announce There Some Nutty People Out There #~# WASHINGTON—Delivering a stern warning to all 330 million Americans, the nation’s moms announced at a press conference Tuesday that there are some real nutty people out there. “You really have to be alert out there, because you never know who’s a bit off,” Martha Thorburn said on behalf of the country’s mothers, while pointing to her head and making an exaggerated circle around her temple with an extended index finger to indicate the kind of crackpots people should be wary of. “The whole world’s gone haywire. When we were growing up, sure, you’d see the occasional odd duck here and there, but these days it seems like everybody’s got a screw loose. We’re just asking you to be safe is all—you’d be surprised by how many freaks come crawling out of the woodwork! They’re on the street, at the bus stop, and there’s even a couple in politics nowadays. What a darn shame. It’s the eyes—you can see something’s just not right. That’s the world we live in, though.” Thorburn went on to state that her sister-in-law, Aunt Edna, had been killed by someone batty.
330 Million Dead Following Mass Shooting #~# WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of a deadly rampage that stretched from coast to coast, authorities reported Tuesday that more than 330 million Americans had been found dead following yet another mass shooting. “The perpetrator was a lone gunman who slayed victims in more than 30,000 cities, towns, and villages across the United States,” said FBI director Christopher Wray, who described during a press conference how the alleged murderer began shooting in Lubec, ME and proceeded southwest across the continent to San Ysidro, CA, killing almost every U.S. resident along the way, despite millions of them being armed themselves. “Many victims died after being rushed to the emergency room, where they were shot again once the assailant reached their hospital. We have received confirmation that the shooter was carrying an assault rifle and 200 million clips of ammunition, all of which were legally purchased. It appears he never stopped firing during his killing spree, not even as he boarded flights to Honolulu and later Anchorage, where he chartered a bush plane so he could gun down Americans in the farthest reaches of the Alaskan wilderness.” Moments after conceding the attacker was not yet in custody, Wray and every reporter in the briefing room reportedly died of gunshot wounds, after which the killer finally turned his weapon on himself. 
Cultural Sensitivity Course Trains Police Officers In Proper End-Of-Life Rituals For People They Kill #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Instructing law enforcement on the proper procedures to follow after they carry out the extrajudicial killing of a suspect or civilian bystander, a new cultural sensitivity course reportedly seeks to teach police about the different end-of-life rituals observed by the many people they gun down. “Sure, a lot of these officers know about the last rites that should be administered to a Catholic they’ve just shot, but most have no idea what to do if they murder a Hindu—and that’s unfair,” cultural sensitivity training officer Janet Palacios said Tuesday, describing how some Buddhists who are strangled while in police custody may wish to have their body carefully cut into pieces so they can later be left on a mountaintop for a traditional Tibetan Sky Burial. “We want our officers to better understand the diverse cultural practices of the citizens they serve so they know how to interact with them as the life fades from their eyes. This will help to better integrate police into the community, letting everyone know that law enforcement is doing its best to send their loved ones off to whatever afterlife they believe in. If police keep these rituals in mind while they’re unloading rounds into an unarmed suspect, they could, for example, hold a candlelight vigil while they’re standing around and watching the person bleed out on the pavement.” Palacios went on to describe another course she offers that instructs police on how to go about sexually harassing a fellow officer who is gay.
Americans Explain How High Gas Prices Have Affected Them #~# With gas prices averaging nearly $5 per gallon, many drivers are struggling to stay afloat. The Onion asked everyday Americans how gas prices have affected them, and this is what they said.
Ancient City In Iraq Unearthed After Extreme Drought #~# Archaeologists in Iraq discovered the ruins of a 3,400-year-old lost city, complete with a palace and a sprawling fort, after extreme drought severely depleted water levels in the country’s largest reservoir. What do you think?
Firefighters Decide To Walk To Fire Since It’s So Beautiful Out #~# MILWAUKEE—Moving along at a leisurely pace as they looked up to admire the vibrant blue sky, Milwaukee Fire Department personnel reportedly decided to walk to their fire Tuesday since it was so beautiful out. “We might arrive a little later, but what’s important is we enjoy ourselves along the way—you only get so many days as perfect as this one,” said lieutenant firefighter Daniel Cisneros, who led the lively crew down the sidewalk as they soaked up the warm sun and paused for a moment to chat with a neighbor. “It’s only two miles; we can carry the hose. Not a cloud in the sky, can you believe it? That plume of smoke’s kind of ugly, though. Oh, wait, do you guys mind if I run back and grab my sunglasses real quick?” At press time, sources confirmed the firefighters had stopped at a local bakery to grab an iced coffee.
Teen Spelling Bee Champion Commits To Spell For UCLA #~# SAN ANTONIO—Following her triumph last week in the Scripps National Spelling Bee, teen spelling champion Harini Logan has committed to spell next year for the University of California, Los Angeles, officials at the college announced Tuesday. “We’re thrilled that Harini has agreed to join us as a Bruin, and we can’t wait to see what this incredible young talent brings to our Division I spelling team,” said UCLA head spelling coach Karen Esposito, who posed with Logan as the 14-year-old signed a letter of intent with the university, one of several schools that intensely recruited the young speller, offering her full scholarships and taking her family out for lavish steak dinners. “She brings some incredible spelling skills to the table, with an extensive knowledge of root words and impressive tongue agility. When she came to our elite prospect camp last summer and knocked out words like “electroencephalograph” and “chiaroscurist,” we knew this kid could spell with the big dogs. We look forward to seeing how she handles the microphone at college bees.” According to reports, Logan has already leveraged her name, image, and likeness rights, signing a $1.4 million endorsement deal with Merriam-Webster dictionaries.
Montessori Sunday School Encourages Kids To Invent Their Own Gods #~# BOSTON—Describing the curriculum as a way to help children recognize the value of their own imaginations, teachers from Montessori Sunday School Guidepost Academy told reporters this week that they strongly encouraged students to invent their own gods. “While more traditionally minded Sunday schools might teach only one way to think of a supreme deity—as a white-bearded man up in the clouds—we insist that our kids really ponder whether they want their god to have, say, a bird head, or maybe the power to harness volcanoes in order to create and destroy the cosmos,” said Guidepost Academy Head Chaplain Valerie Sweeney, explaining how the religious education program empowered students to let their minds run wild as they determined the color and size of their omnipotent deity and designed a celestial kingdom where the god or gods would determine the course of human affairs. “I always love the way a child’s eyes light up when they realize that their god can have wings or a thousand arms, or that there could be hundreds of gods, all of whom personally squabble to determine who lives and dies. Heck, some of our students have even created trickster spider gods or monkey deities that nurse humanity at their 40 breasts. And after that, we even urge them to write their own Bible! It’s just wonderful to see.” Sweeney added that she understood there was such a thing as too much freedom, and therefore always emphasized to students that their god could only be a man.
New York Passes Bill To Raise Age To Own Semi-Automatic Rifles From 18 To 21 #~# New York passed legislation to ban anyone under age 21 from buying or possessing a semi-automatic rifle, a major change to state firearm laws pushed through less than three weeks after an 18-year-old used one of the guns to kill 10 people at a supermarket in Buffalo. What do you think?
NSA Honored For Diversity In Surveillance Footage #~# FORT MEADE, MD—Praised as a leader in centering people from groups not traditionally represented onscreen, the National Security Agency was honored Monday for its diversity in surveillance footage. “In a time when people from marginalized communities long ignored in the media have to fight for space on the screen, the NSA has used its vast network of surveillance cameras to center minority stories,” said Terrence Walz of the American Civil Liberties Union, presenting a plaque to NSA director Paul Nakasone and singling out the agency’s PRISM and Upstream initiatives for their focus on portraying people from minority groups in the environments in which they actually live. “Many organizations pay lip service to minority perspectives, but the NSA really understands the assignment. It routinely centers people from every background in its surveillance efforts—Black or white, gay or straight, people of every creed and ethnic group are prominently featured in the NSA’s work. In fact, there are many examples in which the NSA films only people from marginalized backgrounds, and its many hundreds of hours of footage highlight its commitment to ensuring these groups are seen onscreen. We commend the NSA for its dedication to centering underrepresented voices, and we hope it serves as an inspiration to others for telling more diverse stories. This is what America looks like.” Nakasone added that he just hoped the NSA’s work would encourage young people from marginalized backgrounds to see themselves and their stories as worthy of constant government surveillance.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# PHILADELPHIA—In the days following a violent rampage in the South Street area of Philadelphia in which multiple gunmen killed at least three individuals and injured 11 others, citizens living in the  only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly  concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from  taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things  just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Ohio resident Jim Serkins, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of  millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the  world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and  whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than  those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do?  There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep these guys from  snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.”  At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the  world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for  the past five years were referring to themselves and their situation as  “helpless.”
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# CHATTANOOGA, TN—In the days following a violent rampage in which three were left dead and 14 injured after gunfire erupted outside a Tennessee nightclub,  citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing  routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to  prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy,  but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do  to stop them,” said New Hampshire resident Jerry Adkins, echoing sentiments  expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation  where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in  the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of  gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but  what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep shooters like this from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what  they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically  advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have  occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to  themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Nude Justice Breyer Leaves Supreme Court After Turning In His Robes #~# WASHINGTON—After carefully smoothing and folding the garment he’d worn for almost three decades, retiring Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer turned in his robes today, according to sources who saw him exiting his chambers completely nude. “The past 28 years have been an incredible journey, but it’s time to give this back,” said the naked jurist known for his pragmatic approach to constitutional law, who held the gown against his cheek for a final moment and wiped away a tear as a slight   shiver passed through his pale, 83-year-old frame. “Seems like just the other day I was rolling up the silk sleeves on this bad boy to write the majority opinion in Stenberg v. Carhart. I’ve worn my robes every day since 1994, so going without them will take some getting used. It’s time, though. This thing is starting reek. Hopefully they can  wash it before the next justice is sworn in.” At press time, Breyer appeared to be struggling to find a place to put his phone, keys, and wallet as he descended the courthouse steps in only his socks and a pair of loafers. 
Americans Explain Why Assault Weapons Must Stay Legal #~# Despite an alarming uptick in mass shootings in the United States, many Americans still support the right to own assault weapons. The Onion asked everyday citizens why they feel this way, and this is what they said.
Dogs Able To Detect Covid With High Accuracy #~# A study has found that trained dogs are better at detecting positive Covid cases than a rapid antigen test, with the dogs in the research study accurately identifying 97% of positive cases and taking an estimated 15 seconds to analyze each possible Covid sample. What do you think?
Kotex Introduces New Expedition Tampons With Very Long String For Easily Tracing Way Back Home #~# IRVING, TX—Calling the product a “game changer” for menstruators with active lifestyles, feminine hygiene brand Kotex announced Friday the release of Expedition, a new line of tampons that includes a very long string so wearers can easily trace their way back home. “Now you can have your period and have your outdoor adventure, too—without worrying about embarrassing leaks or getting lost in the wilderness,” said company spokesperson Miriam Graith, explaining that the new tampon would include Kotex’s signature fragrance-free cotton absorbency while also providing up to 500 miles of string slack guaranteed to mark the wearer’s path as they venture forth. “Whether you’re an archaeologist spelunking in an ancient cave or a trailblazer carving a route through deep, dizzying thicket, Kotex Expedition makes it easier than ever to forget it’s your time of the month and focus on the daring exploit at hand. With a comfortable fit that adjusts to your individual shape and a braided-cotton anchor tethered to your starting point, you’ll have the confidence and comfort needed to travel farther than ever before. What’s more, Kotex Expedition stays in place so well that its string can be used as a climbing rope when rappelling down a mountain.” Graith went on to cite studies that found use of Kotex Expedition was up to 35% more effective than the traditional method of finding one’s way back home by following a trail of breadcrumbs dropped from one’s vagina.
Dad Asks If They Still Make Cocaine #~# CINCINNATI—Suddenly expressing a curiosity about the recreational stimulant he had enjoyed as a young adult, local man Terry Coburn, 58, reportedly asked his daughter this week if they still made cocaine. “Oh man, there used to be this stuff that was amazing, what was it called? Oh yeah, cocaine! Do they still make that?” said Coburn, adding that it had probably been 30 years since he had last seen cocaine, let alone sought it out, but that he certainly wouldn’t turn it down if someone were to offer it to him now. “It was all the rage in my day, especially in the ’80s. Your mom and I went nuts for it! Do you remember cocaine at all? It was this white powdery stuff, though later on we started getting some that looked like these little chunks of rock. Maybe you were too young. I’d love to try it again, for old times’ sake. If you can still get it, that is. Can you get it?” At press time, Coburn had stated that there might still be some around the house somewhere and he would be out checking the garage. 
Survey Finds Balloons Still Nation’s Favorite Floating Orb #~# WASHINGTON—In a nationwide study regarding Americans’ preferences of airborne spherical objects, the Pew Research Center found Monday that balloons still ranked first as the nation’s favorite floating orb. “We discovered that balloons far and away ranked as the No. 1 hovering globe across the country,” said study co-author Precia Nunez, explaining that the annual questionnaire found the gap widening between balloons and blimps. “Back in the ’90s, the data reflected that the moon was the top floating orb, edging out bubbles by just a hair. Now we see that as many Americans in certain regions of the country enjoy baseballs, soccer balls, and basketballs soaring through the air—but those spheres do not naturally hover, so they are much less preferred. Our research indicated that the lowest-ranking floating orbs are mysterious black, shimmering globular shapes that appear and disappear inexplicably, which have been found to be actually quite frightening to most surveyed.” At press time, researchers confirmed that ice remained the nation’s favorite type of frozen cube.
6 Hours That Man Will Utterly Squander After Work Fantasized About For Entire Day #~# PORTLAND,  ME—Richly imagining the wide range of his favorite activities that  would be available once he returned home, local 29-year-old Jeff Deeran  reportedly spent all of Monday fantasizing about the six hours that  he would utterly squander after work. “Oh man, that’s going to be sweet,  sweet, sweet,” Deeran said as he sent off another work email, pausing  to visualize the period of utter personal freedom that he would instead  throw away on puttering around his apartment in a glazed-over state,  checking TikTok for one full hour, and finally creating a detailed plan to  sign up for a Starz streaming trial that would let him watch 2014  drama Foxcatcher before deciding it wasn’t worth his time and  instead falling asleep. “Once that clock hits six, I’m going to head  straight back to my place and [just do absolutely nothing. Nothing at  all. I mean, maybe I’ll heat up a frozen pizza, if I really feel   inspired. Best case scenario, I’ll rewatch half an episode of Frasier for  reasons that aren’t even clear to me]. Boy oh boy, I can’t wait.” Upon  returning home, Deeran reportedly spent the whole six hours picturing  how much he would enjoy simply going to sleep on time, which he then also  failed to do.
What You Need To Know About The Royal Platinum Jubilee #~# Queen Elizabeth II is celebrating her Platinum Jubilee to honor her 70 years as the queen of England. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the royal Platinum Jubilee.
Queen Elizabeth Gets Horse As Jubilee Gift From France’s Macron #~# French President Emmanuel Macron gave Queen Elizabeth a horse belonging to the French Republican Guard to mark her jubilee, describing the monarch as the “golden thread” that bound France and Britain during her 70-year reign. What do you think?
Biden Now Just Delivering Continuous, Up-To-The-Minute Speech Mourning Shooting Victims #~# WASHINGTON—With eyes bloodshot and suit disheveled as he entered his 16th hour at the podium, President Joe Biden is now just delivering a continuous, up-to-the-minute speech mourning victims of mass shootings across the United States, sources reported Friday. “At this hour, we gather to mourn the carnage in—actually, I’m getting word there have been two more shootings,” said Biden, who since the previous evening had been attempting to end his remarks and leave the stage, but in each case had been ushered back to the microphones when aides informed him of additional shootings that had just taken place. “I’ll fall behind and never catch up if I try to name everyone shot and killed, so I’ll start with a blanket condolences to all the Jims, Elizabeths, Pauls, and Lauras who have been gunned down mercilessly and before their time. Even one gun death is unconscionable, but 15? No wait, 17. You’re telling me the death toll is 21 now, really? Jesus Christ.” At press time, the news conference had finally ended due to the threat of an active shooter in the audience.
Scientists Discover Humans, Chimps Shared Common Friend #~# COLLEGE STATION, TX—In a new discovery that could have stunning implications for the field of primatology, scientists from Texas A&M University published a study Friday identifying the common friend once shared by humans and chimps. “Approximately 8 million years ago, humans and chimpanzees shared a pal named Robby, causing a significant overlap between the two friend groups,” said study co-author Wesley Torres, who noted that while the species were never exactly “buddy-buddy,” they would still exchange niceties and generally get along whenever hanging out at Robby’s or whatever place he had dragged them to. “Fossil evidence reveals that Robby was a laid-back guy with long arms and legs adapted for rowdy nights out on the town, as well as quiet, small group hangs indoors. He was really just the chill kind of dude who could be friends with anyone, regardless of whether they were bipedal, knuckle-walking, used tools, or couldn’t grasp a hammerstone to save their life. A real great ape if there ever was one.” At press time, Torres added that humans and chimpanzees diverged 6 million years ago after humans had a falling out with Robby over rent. 
School Practices Drill For When There’s Not An Active Shooter #~# LARGO, OH—In an effort to keep students and faculty ready should the situation ever arise, a local middle school  was reportedly practicing the drill Thursday for what to do when there’s not an active shooter. “Attention teachers and students: For the next 10 minutes, we will proceed as if there is not a school shooter on the premises; all students will emerge from hiding under their desks, and all teachers will immediately stop barricading the door and begin writing lessons on the whiteboard,” Lincoln Middle School’s principal said over the intercom, interrupting the regular daily flow of a mass shooter stalking the school to initiate the drill, so the school would be prepared in the event it ever experienced a day in which that didn’t occur. “For the next five minutes, we will no longer be on lockdown, and all students will be expected to go to their lockers and chat with their friends. Teachers will turn on the lights in the classroom and begin teaching students rather than tending to any wounded children. The school security guard will initiate the sequence in which he returns to the school from where he’s been hiding in the parking lot and will practice hassling students in the hallway.” At press time, students expressed annoyance about the non-shooter drill cutting into their regular day of running and hiding from a mass shooter, since it was highly unlikely the scenario would ever actually come to pass.
Texas Passes Mandatory 24-Hour Waiting Period Before Police Can Engage Active Shooters #~# AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to address rising gun violence in the state, Texas legislators passed a new law Friday mandating that police wait 24 hours before engaging with active shooters. “Deciding whether or not to respond to an active shooting is an extremely serious decision for any police officer to make, and we want to ensure that all Texas law enforcement officers have ample time to think it through,” said Gov. Greg Abbott, who added that the 24-hour waiting period, which would begin the moment dispatchers received their first 911 call, would help police be “100% certain” that protecting the public was prudent. “Before rushing into a school or church to stop a massacre, police will be required to wait a full 24 hours, never acting a minute sooner. They’ll also be subject to mandatory counseling with their peers in the parking lot so they can fully recognize the risks involved with attempting to save lives. We wouldn’t want them to do something in the heat of the moment that they’d regret, like taking out the shooter.” At press time, Abbott added that each additional 911 call authorities received would restart the waiting period.
Locust-Swarmed Queen Elizabeth Announces 1,000-Year Reign Of Chaos During Brimstone Jubilee #~# LONDON—Locusts swarming behind Buckingham Palace to blot out the sun as an infernal fanfare heralded her appearance, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly celebrated her Brimstone Jubilee this week with an announcement that one thousand years of chaos would reign upon the blighted earth. “Pestilence shall prevail upon these ruinous times! All shall rot, all shall rot, all shall rot, and the centuries hence will be of filth and madness!” said the fly-covered monarch in a statement inaugurating the Brimstone Jubilee, her eyes turning black to the horror of spectators as maggot-covered viscera unfurled from the palace balcony, rivers of scalding bile swept through the royal gardens, and foul-smelling flames spat up from cracks below to consume her fleeing subjects before the Queen reportedly turned to place her hands around the neck of  nearby Meghan Markle and physically tear the shocked duchess’s head from her body. “For too long I have played the role of the doddering fool. But now I shall descend to my piss- and shit-covered throne to oversee the spread of a pestilence from which the idiot vassals in this Putrid Kingdom will never escape. In nomine dei infernalis. In nomine dei infernalis. In nomine dei infernalis.” At press time, the regent’s eyes had rolled back in her head as she emitted a piercing scream that caused the skulls of every nearby observer to simultaneously explode.
Scientists Discover Biggest Plant On Earth #~# Genetic testing has revealed that an underwater field of seagrass off the coast of Australia is a single organism covering 70 square miles, making the plant, which grows by repeatedly cloning itself, the largest on Earth. What do you think?
Problematic Disney Attractions That Had To Be Redesigned #~# Don’t kill us, Disney adults. Some of this shit was pretty fucking bad. Here are the most problematic Disney attractions that had to be redesigned.
The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Find The Perfect Car #~# Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s  Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been  tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations because we couldn’t figure out how.
Enlightened Judge Sentences Murderer To Ego Death By Means Of Ayahuasca #~# AUSTIN, TX—Addressing the defendant in a searing indictment of his  attachment to the material world, enlightened Judge Harry Nagel  reportedly sentenced murderer Bill Kalinowski to ego death Friday by means of  ayahuasca ceremony. “Due to his heinous crimes, Mr. Kalinowski will be  forced to undergo a state-mandated ego death to deteriorate his  deplorable connection to the craving self that gives rise to all  suffering,” Judge Nagel said in the decision, citing Timothy Leary’s The Psychedelic Experience  for precedent as he described the three-dose regimen of the plant-based  spiritual substance that would bring an end to the man known as Bill  Kalinowski and forever replace him with a non-dual embodiment of the  cosmic thusness, the mystic one, and all-eternal-being of awakened  reality. “The only just punishment for this sort of reprehensible behavior  is obliterating the ego in a haze of love and death, seeing all that  ever was and will be contained in the eternity of an instant, and  finally witnessing reality itself fractalize before one’s eyes as the  voice of Mother Gaia whispers to you in a universal language known not  just to all humanity, but to the birds, the plants, and the dirt where  sex and corpses and blooming and blood and semen all commingle into the  rushing cosmic ocean of life. That is my judgment.” The judge concluded by noting that, simply put, an individual this contemptible  deserved to be one with the universe. 
FIFA Increases Revenue By Requiring Brand Tattoos For All Players #~# ZURICH—In an effort to add another global revenue stream, FIFA officials announced Friday that the association would begin requiring brand logo tattoos for all players. “Beginning with the 2022 World Cup qualifying matches, it will now be mandatory for all players to have at least one logo representing one of our corporate brand partners tattooed on their face,” said FIFA president Gianni Infantino, adding that more marketable players like Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, and Mohamed Salah would have the option to get tattoos on both cheeks or a larger one across their forehead. “FIFA is always looking for new ways to increase our core brand partnerships, and a number of financial realities, including revenue lost to the Covid-19 pandemic, has made now the right time to begin branding Coca-Cola, Adidas, Hyundai, Visa, and Qatar Airways logos on the faces of our players. Whether the logos are in black-and-white or in colored ink, FIFA is at the forefront of delivering a product that merges the world’s greatest football players with the world’s greatest brands.” At press time, the National Football League was reportedly exploring whether to require players to wear sponsor-logo face tattoos instead of helmets.
Babe Ruth Comparisons Grow After Hammered Shohei Ohtani Eats 53 Hot Dogs #~# ANAHEIM, CA—With baseball experts and fans alike agreeing that a player of his abilities hadn’t been seen in the major leagues for a century, comparisons of Shohei Ohtani to the legendary Babe Ruth reportedly continued to grow Thursday after the hammered Los Angeles Angel ate 53 hot dogs. “Simply put, Ohtani is the first MLB player who can drink 15 beers in under an hour, put away several dozen hot dogs, smoke six cigars, and then hit the town since Ruth was in his prime,” said sports journalist Callum Berg, highlighting Ohtani’s recent performance in which he drank a pregame  fifth of whiskey in the clubhouse  after spending the previous night in the company of prostitutes as just one example of his greatness. “The craziest part is that he’s still getting better. Sure, there are other players who can drink a quart of moonshine over the course of an evening or subsist entirely off of processed meat, but no one else in the game today can do both like Ohtani can. That he’s able to do all that while keeping up pretty serious chewing tobacco and cigarette habits is nothing short of amazing. There’s no doubt that we’re witnessing history in the making.” Baseball observers said Ohtani might even eclipse Ruth’s legacy if he were to break the Yankee great’s record for the most games getting a pitching win and hitting a home run while also suffering from an intestinal abscess and six different venereal diseases.
Las Vegas Chapels Told By Licensing Company To Stop Elvis-Themed Weddings #~# The licensing company that controls the use of Elvis Presley’s name and image has ordered Las Vegas chapel operators to stop using Elvis in themed ceremonies. What do you think?
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# TULSA—In the days following a violent rampage in Oklahoma in which a lone attacker killed four individuals in addition to himself, and seriously injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said New Mexico resident Ellen Robinson, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this guy from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what he really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past five years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Teachers React To Yet Another School Shooting #~# After a mass shooter killed 19 children and two teachers at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde Texas, many educators are understandably at a loss. The Onion asked teachers how they felt after yet another school shooting, and this is what they said.
Planned Parenthood Mounts Giant IUD Atop Headquarters To Harness Sperm-Killing Power Of Lightning #~# NEW YORK—Cackling with glee as a violent storm swirled in the skies above, Planned Parenthood CEO Alexis McGill Johnson announced plans Thursday to kill all human sperm via a giant, lightning-powered IUD mounted atop the organization’s headquarters. “Ha ha, ha ha! With this device, I will finally harness the ultra-effective birth control method of lightning, and Planned Parenthood will be unstoppable,” said McGill Johnson, who, after putting on goggles, long rubber gloves, and a white lab coat, threw her arms up into the air and screamed as 300 million volts of power coursed through the 50-foot-tall pulsating intrauterine device. “Yes! Yes! Starting today, no one shall ever fertilize an egg ever again! Once I flip this infertility switch, the world’s semen will start to boil, and then every sperm on the planet will be instantly vaporized. Say goodbye to conceiving your precious babies in three…two…one…” At press time, McGill Johnson reportedly dropped to her knees and screamed, “No, no!” after the massive IUD malfunctioned, shooting out bolts of lightning that brought all the dead sperm back to life and made them more virile than ever.
Pros And Cons Of Casinos #~# Chicago is the latest U.S. city to approve the construction of a casino, a move that has stoked both excitement and controversy among residents. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of casinos.
Donda Sports Sets Modest Goal Of Only Ruining A Few Athletes’ Careers In First Year #~# LOS ANGELES—Confirming that the agency wanted to set realistic expectations for what it could accomplish, Donda Sports officials  told reporters Thursday that they had set a modest goal of only ruining a few athletes’ careers in their first year. “The best way to get this business off the ground is to start small and really focus on helping a few select clients completely squander their earning potential,” said Donda Sports owner Kanye West, adding that the marketing agency was committed to giving its initial clients, including Boston Celtics guard Jaylen Brown and Los Angeles Rams defensive tackle Aaron Donald, the worst advice imaginable for developing their personal brands. “We strive to be a full-service agency: We want our clients to be completely unemployable, unmarketable, and roundly detested by all fans within the next 12 months. Guys like Aaron and Jaylen believe in us enough to be our first clients, and we want to respect that by giving them our full attention, whether that’s offering them catastrophically shortsighted financial advice, getting them corporate sponsorships with declining brands, or otherwise ensuring that they’re in the best possible situation to end up in headline-grabbing scandals. Sure, we could go chasing as many clients as possible and just kind of ruin their lives, but right now, we’re focused on absolutely obliterating any chance that Jaylen and Aaron will have at profiting off their likenesses or accomplishments after their playing careers are over.” As proof of the services his agency offered, West pointed to Donda’s advice that Donald should retire from professional football because they could ensure he would lose every cent he earned from playing in the NFL within a calendar year.
35-Year-Old Unsure Why He Underwhelmed By First-Place Win In Magic: The Gathering Tournament #~# SEATTLE—Saying he lacked any sense of personal fulfillment following the victory, local 35-year-old Jason Prasker reported Thursday that he was unsure why he felt so underwhelmed by his first-place win in a regional Magic: The Gathering tournament. “Yeah, it’s strange—I worked for this for years, and yet somehow, taking home this trophy today, I feel kind of empty inside,” a visibly perplexed Prasker said as he packed his Magic deck back into its custom carrying case, adding that he did not understand why his defeat of everyone in the conference center at a trading-card game involving wizards and goblins seemed devoid of any great meaning. “It’s weird. You’d think after a profound achievement like this, I’d feel content with my life. Maybe if I win another tournament, then I’ll truly be happy?” Multiple sources later described the situation as unfortunate, noting that with the tournament victory, Prasker had, in fact, realized his full potential as a human being.
FEMA Director Claims Spending Life Preparing For Natural Disasters No Way To Live #~# WASHINGTON—In an impassioned defense against a slew of criticism, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Deanne Criswell stated Thursday  that spending life preparing for natural disasters was no way to live. “It’s a beautiful day—do you really expect us to spend it stockpiling water bottles and canned food?” said Criswell, who implored FEMA’s long-standing critics to stop fretting over logistics and Doppler radar screens, and start living as if today was the first today of the rest of their life. “Sure, bad things are going to happen, but look at those gorgeous black skies, dark swirling clouds, and uprooted trees flying by. We at FEMA refuse to spend our days in fear. Yes, hurricane season is coming, but is it here yet? Are you standing on the roof of your home right this second? Is your waterlogged corpse currently floating through the streets? We say, live in the moment!” At press time, Criswell was instructing Americans to learn to find the beauty in a violently rotating column of air destroying everything in its path.
Robot Orders Increase 40% Amid Labor Shortage #~# According to a new report, orders for workplace robots have increased by 40% in the first three months of 2022 amid a labor shortage in the U.S. What do you think?
Bored Defense Department Bombing Empty Cans Off Fence Out Back Behind Pentagon #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Killing time between major combat operations, bored staff at the Defense Department spent an afternoon bombing empty cans off the fence out back behind the Pentagon, U.S. military sources reported Thursday. “Things have been a bit slow since we pulled out of Afghanistan, so we thought we’d crack open a few beers and shoot a few Hellfire missiles at the empties while we wait for a new conflict to be authorized,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who added that seeing who could eliminate the most cans from the greatest distance—whether with a GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast or a simple rocket-propelled grenade—was a good way to blow off some steam until they could do the real thing again abroad. “These days we don’t get a lot of downtime between wars, but when we do, it’s nice to get in some target practice so we stay sharp. Plus, I’ll win 20 bucks off [Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff] Mark Milley if I can hit that Coors Light can from two miles with this cluster munition.” At press time, sources confirmed the Pentagon officials were quickly running back inside to avoid getting caught after an errant ballistic missile missed the fence and took out the Washington Monument, causing hundreds of civilian casualties.
Man Disguised As Old Woman Throws Cake At Mona Lisa In Climate Protest #~# A man seemingly disguised as an old woman in a wheelchair threw a piece of cake at the glass protecting the Mona Lisa at the Louvre Museum in Paris, in an apparent climate-related protest. What do you think?
Shifting Police Timeline Now States Uvalde, TX Never Existed #~# UVALDE, TX—Once again shifting the official timeline of how authorities reacted to a mass shooting at Robb Elementary School, Uvalde school police chief Pedro Arredondo released new details during a press conference Wednesday, stating that Uvalde, TX had never existed. “After several days of exhaustive investigations into the tragic events of May 24, the Uvalde School District Police Department has determined there was no wrongdoing on the part of officers, as Uvalde is not, in fact, a town in Texas or a geographical location of any kind,” said Arredondo, adding that authorities did everything they could considering that Robb Elementary and all of its students and teachers were nothing more than figments of our collective imaginations. “Despite several erroneous initial reports, we now know for certain that it was impossible for a mass shooter to have entered a Uvalde school and killed 19 children and 2 teachers, as neither he nor his victims ever walked this Earth, and thus could not kill or be killed. While police rushed into action, there was little they could do, for how can you save the lives of people who have never been born? The sooner we accept this, the sooner we can heal.” Arredondo went on to state that he could not take any questions from reporters, because he, the reporters, and the room they were standing in were only a dream or mass delusion of some kind.
President Biden Visits School Ahead Of Its Deadly Mass Shooting #~# ALMEDA, PA—Taking a moment of silence to honor the teachers and students who will soon lose their lives, President Joe Biden reportedly visited the Almeda Middle School Wednesday ahead of its deadly mass shooting. “Two weeks from today is going to be a really difficult day,” said Biden, shaking hands with a sixth-grade history teacher who he praised for her upcoming sacrifice to save several students’ lives. “Walking through this hallway that will be riddled with bullet holes very soon, my heart goes out to all the families whose children won’t come home that day. We won’t understand why the young man will have done what he’s going to do, but we’ll take courage in the knowledge that we’ll have to act to stop something like what’s going to happen in this very school from happening in other schools. We as a country mourn for those innocent people who will be lost, and we wish there were some way to keep this horrific event from happening.” At press time, Biden was telling the school’s principal to save a candle for him to light at the upcoming vigil.
CEOs Discuss How Unions Have Affected Their Companies #~# With the recent push for unionization within both Amazon and Starbucks, more and more employees have become inspired to organize. The Onion asked several CEOs how they felt about that, and this is what they said.
Researchers Confirm Determined Seagull Finally Made It Into Outer Space #~# SILVER  SPRING, MD—In a press conference commending the bird’s tenacity in the  face of serious obstacles, National Oceanic and Atmospheric  Administration officials confirmed Wednesday that a determined seagull  had finally made it into outer space. “Simply put, this bird flapped his  little heart out, overcoming the hurdles of gravity and avian  physiology in order to push himself into the reaches of space,” said  NOAA administrator Richard W. Spinrad, who joined other researchers in  bursting into applause when the seagull broke through Earth’s exosphere  at 3:32 p.m. EDT and continued out into planetary orbit, a  momentous milestone for his own species and birds everywhere. “Although  we don’t yet know whether this inspiring bird will attain escape  velocity and continue flying upwards into deep space, what we can say  for certain is that he has taught us all a lesson about the power of  perseverance. I mean, wow, he did it! The little guy really did it!” At  press time, the researchers’ excitement had reportedly turned to despair after the  seagull turned around, headed back toward Earth’s atmosphere, and burned up on  reentry.
Last Salem Witch Pardoned #~# Massachusetts lawmakers have formally exonerated Elizabeth Johnson Jr., clearing her name 329 years after she was convicted of witchcraft in 1693 and sentenced to death at the height of the Salem Witch Trials. What do you think?
Archaeologists Uncover Ancient ‘Big Dog’ Shirt Christ Wore To Sleep In #~# JERUSALEM—In an astounding find that experts say offers a look at the intimate home life of Jesus of Nazareth, a team of archaeologists announced Wednesday they had uncovered  the ancient Big Dog shirt that Christ wore to sleep in. “The discovery of this XL Big Dog shirt that Jesus Christ wore to bed confirms the  theory that after a long day of sermons, He just wanted to come home and relax in a soft, familiar garment,” said  Andrei Munteanu, lead archaeologist at the dig site in Jerusalem’s Beit Hanina neighborhood where excavators found the T-shirt, which features a dog wearing sunglasses along with the phrase “Who’s yer daddy?” “We’ve long believed such a discovery was possible, as it’s based on ancient biblical evidence indicating the apostle Philip gave Christ a T-shirt that he was planning to throw out. Previous theories had contended that Christ actually wore a ‘Tennis is life’ T-shirt when lounging around His home, but this artifact obviously proves that Renaissance-era notion incorrect. The shirt’s placement among other items that allegedly belonged to Christ also suggests that He wore His Big Dog shirt the night before His arrest by the Sanhedrin, making this a truly sacred garment that deserves to be enshrined in the Vatican.” Finds at the archaeological site are expected to stoke controversy, as Christ’s Big Dog shirt was discovered with a pair of Juicy Couture sweatpants believed to have belonged to Mary Magdalene.
‘I Said No Gifts!’ Screams Mom As Cloud Of Birthday Presents Begin To Violently Swirl Around Room #~# HUDSONVILLE, MI—Glaring at the family members who had dared disrespect her wishes, local mother Clarissa Sandona reportedly screamed “I said no gifts!” Wednesday as a cloud of birthday presents began to violently swirl around the room. “I told you I have everything I need,” said Sandona, her hair fluttering in the wind created by the vortex of wrapped boxes and her eyes narrowing to emit a thunderbolt that shot a package straight through the air and into the chest of her nearest child, who went tumbling backward against the wall while everyone else in the room fled. “I said I didn’t want a big thing. Don’t you understand? We are so fortunate as it is. A simple card would have sufficed. The only gift I want is you!” At press time, witnesses confirmed the storm lifted and the presents fell to the floor after Sandona had opened one up to find a clay pot that she acknowledged was “really nice.”
Left-Wing Group Too Disorganized For FBI Agents To Infiltrate #~# NEW YORK—Admitting that they had been working for several years without any discernible success, FBI agents confirmed Wednesday that a local left-wing political group was too disorganized  to infiltrate. “We’ve had a few guys in there posing as members and trying to manipulate them into committing acts of violence we can arrest them for, but these people don’t ever do anything violent—they don’t ever do anything at all,” an undercover FBI agent told reporters, adding that the agency believed they’d made headway with turning the leader of the Liberation Socialists group into an informant until the guy didn’t show up to a meeting for months. “These people are incredibly disorganized. We try to attend their meetings to get them to unwittingly work on our behalf, but half the time no one shows up but the undercover agents, and the other half of the time the meetings are so confusing it’s impossible to follow what they’re actually trying to do. We also tried to sow division in their ranks to ensure that they couldn’t become powerful, but that didn’t work because these people already all fucking hate each other. They spend all their time arguing about minutiae, and most of the time when we try to talk them into doing something violent to the communal spaces in their community, they don’t even know where to go. They’re just a mess.” The FBI agent added that he was worried the left-wing organization was on to him, as he’d already aroused suspicion by interrupting a meandering discussion of principles with a straightforward plan of action.
Backpedaling Republicans Unveil Bill Rapidly Expanding Veterans’ Access To Burn Pits #~# WASHINGTON—Countering the stalled PACT Act with a measure of their own, Senate Republicans unveiled a new bill Friday that would rapidly expand veterans’ access to burn pits. “We’ve heard your concerns, and we want to assure you the GOP is fighting hard to ensure the nation’s brave veterans are breathing the toxins they deserve,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who explained that the PITS Act, sponsored by himself along with Senators Pat Toomey (R-PA) and Joni Ernst (R-IA) in response to the backlash they received for their failure to back the prior bill, would ensure that a 10-acre burn pit was on-site at every Veterans Affairs center in the country. “The Republican Party would never turn their backs on the brave men and women who served this country, which is why we’ll hopefully be rolling out burnpits.gov very, very soon. There is nothing more important than providing vets with asthma and COPD. We’d also like to build at-home burn pits for veterans who need rare cancer but have limited mobility.” At press time, Republicans had proposed an amendment that would put the veterans themselves directly in the pits. 
Chick-fil-A Faces Backlash After Asking For ‘Volunteers’ To Work For Food, Not Money #~# A Chick-fil-A restaurant in Hendersonville, NC is facing backlash after posting an offer on Facebook for volunteers to work the drive-thru in exchange for free food instead of pay. What do you think?
Beyoncé: A Career Timeline #~# Beyoncé will release her seventh album, Renaissance, on July 29. The Onion looks back at the major milestones in the career of one of the world’s most celebrated artists.
Republicans Explain Why They Voted Against Veterans’ Healthcare #~#  “I voted no because the bill would create $400 billion in unnecessary spending to help people.”
Bootlegger Outside Concert Selling Knockoff Lady Gagas #~# LAS VEGAS—Urging concertgoers to pick up a version of the multiplatinum pop star before entering the venue, bootlegger Frank Rossi spent Friday outside the Dolby Live theater in Las Vegas trying to convince fans to buy knockoff Lady Gagas. “All right, everyone, get your authentic Lady Gagas here, 20 bucks, no refunds,” said Rossi, who then proceeded to hock several clearly counterfeit Gagas that were either too long, missing limbs, sang out of tune, did not speak English, or were from five to 10 years ago. “Let’s see, I’ve got a Star Is Born Gaga, a “Born This Way” Gaga, and also a Gaga with blue hair wearing some kind of sparkly bodysuit thing. But if you want a little discount? I’ve got a few Gagas in the back with holes in them. Walk with me.” At press time, Rossi reportedly shoved dozens of counterfeit Lady Gagas into his trunk and sped off after a customer couldn’t remove a large “Made in Bangladesh” sticker and demanded a refund.
Toyota Unveils Multifamily Tenement Sedan For People Living Out Of Their Cars #~# PLANO, TX—Touting the benefits of the vehicle for the contemporary American lifestyle, Toyota unveiled a multifamily tenement sedan Friday for people living out of their cars. “With 150 horsepower, a state-of-the-art navigational system, and retractable particle-board walls, the Toyota Tenement is perfect for the modern American family that lives in their vehicle,” said Toyota spokesperson Rhonda Aiello, describing the vehicle as the ideal car for getting family members to school, job interviews, and the unemployment office before a few quick changes turned it into a rickety block of rooms for the night. “Times change, and so does what Toyota offers. The family-friendly Toyota Tenement can fit up to four generations under one roof and comes with standard features like a hot plate that kind of works, a single cup holder, and Bluetooth connectivity. The vehicle also features a roomy backseat that can fold down to sleep up to six and a driver’s seat that doubles as a cot for two. We’ve worked with our in-house engineering team to ensure that we can sleep as many people as possible in a regular four-door sedan, and we think that Toyota customers will be very pleased with the results.” At press time, Toyota had been forced to issue a recall on the multifamily sedan after a fire broke out and killed everyone inside.
Trump Hosts Saudi-Backed ‘Jamal Khashoggi Was No Saint’ Golf Tournament #~# BEDMINSTER, NJ—Praising the recently formed LIV Golf league for partnering with him on the groundbreaking event, former President Donald Trump  hosted the Saudi-backed “Jamal Khashoggi Was No Saint” Tournament Friday at the Trump National Golf Club Bedminster. “This is going to be a really great weekend, not just for me but for everyone in the golf community, and we have to give credit to the Saudi government for sponsoring not only a $4 million prize for the winner but the incredible killing of that terrible reporter Khashoggi as well,” said Trump in a press conference before the first round kicked off, adding that he was excited to watch golfers including Phil Mickelson, Dustin Johnson, and Brooks Koepka compete for a chance to really stomp on Khashoggi’s grave. “Some people, many people—but not me—think that the Saudis did something wrong, that the Crown Prince [Mohammed bin Salman] did something wrong, but of course they have never done anything wrong. I couldn’t be happier to be gathered here on this beautiful day because that journalist really had it coming, as most do. We’ve got great golfers here, the best golfers, and really any of them could win it, because these guys are winners, unlike that born loser who got himself killed. It’s going to be a wonderful, wonderful day.” Trump added that he would continue working with LIV Golf when he hosts the upcoming “America Deserved 9/11” Invitational at his Westchester, NY club in September.
Skittles Lawsuit Claims Candy ‘Unfit For Human Consumption’ #~# A California man has sued Mars, the company that makes Skittles, claiming the use of titanium dioxide in the candy makes it “unfit for human consumption,” the additive being linked to genotoxicity which can potentially cause cancer. What do you think?
Nation Spends Romantic Date On 330-Million-Person Tandem Bike #~# WASHINGTON—Remarking how nice it was to get out of the house and do something active for once, citizens of the United States of America shared a romantic date Friday on a 330 million-person tandem bike. “Oh wow, I love feeling the breeze in my hair, and being able to explore our surroundings in such a new and exciting way,” said the delighted U.S. populace, which simultaneously rode the 2,800-mile-long bike across 22,000 parks, 4,000 river fronts, and 17,000 adorable downtown areas. “I’m so happy we decided to do this. I feel like we really get to learn about each other and work together as a team. Hey, Nebraska! You have to pedal, or else we’re never going to make it across the Great Plains in time for lunch.” At press time, all 330 Americans had reportedly gotten into a blowout fight after the entire Midwest got caught on over 100,000 miles of train tracks and the tandem bike toppled over.
Mega Millions Jackpot Hits $1 Billion #~# The Mega Millions jackpot has skyrocketed to $1.02 billion after no ticket matched all six winning numbers in Tuesday night’s drawing, making it the third largest lottery jackpot in history. What do you think?
China Threatens To Retaliate For Pelosi’s Taiwan Trip By Letting Her Return Safely #~# BEIJING—Warning the United States that the House Speaker would be spared, China reportedly threatened to retaliate Thursday for Nancy Pelosi’s trip to Taiwan by letting her return safely. “Should Nancy Pelosi follow through with her planned trip to Taiwan, China will be forced to take the hostile measure to weaken America by allowing her to return unscathed,” said President Xi Jinping, warning that any move by Pelosi to legitimize the Taiwanese regime would be met with a first class ticket back so that she is well-rested and ready to return to legislative matters. “The folly of America’s intransigence on China’s territorial claims will be be made clear when Ms. Pelosi is permitted to set foot back on U.S. soil and continue to shape national policy. We have the entire might of the Chinese military standing by ready to defend Ms. Pelosi from any possible threat.” At press time, Chinese leadership was tested in their resolve to keep Pelosi alive after hearing her speak.
Woman Who Bought Mega Millions Ticket With Coworkers Already Knows How She’ll Dispose Of Their Bodies #~# LOS ANGELES—With the national lottery prize ballooning to nearly $1 billion in recent days, local woman Julia Ortega, an IT specialist who purchased a single Mega Millions ticket with her coworkers, confirmed Thursday that she already knew how she would dispose of their bodies. “Obviously, there’s a really slim chance that I’ll even win, but I can’t help fantasizing about getting my hands on the jackpot, digging a hole in the woods, and then burying their hacked-up bodies somewhere they’ll never be found,” said Ortega, adding that she had learned from the cautionary tales of past winners to not give into the temptation to place all of her coworkers’ limbs, feet, and torsos in one spot, but rather parcel them out into several unmarked graves. “I’m going to be super practical about it. Right away, I’ll put their dismembered bodies into a freezer somewhere. And I’ll only take them out when I know it’s a prudent decision. And when friends and hangers-on come to me begging for one little hint about whether I was involved in my coworkers’ unforeseen disappearances, I know that I just have to firmly tell them ‘no.’ It’ll be a big adjustment learning to live with the knowledge that I have the the blood of seven people on my hands, but I’m sure it will ultimately transform my life for the better.” At press time, Ortega admitted that if she did lose she might still treat herself to slaying one coworker.
What To Say To Someone Who Denies Climate Change #~# People, especially climate change deniers, love it when you prove them wrong. If someone says they don’t believe in global warming, try saying the following things.
Police Officers Claim Unarmed Black Man They Shot Was Attacking Them With Psychic Hallucinations #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Facing criticisms of police brutality and unnecessary use of lethal force on a suspect, officers from the Little Rock Police Department stated in a press conference Thursday that the unarmed Black man they shot had been attacking them with psychic hallucinations. “Though the suspect in question did not have a weapon, we did see his nose start to bleed as he reached toward his temple and infiltrated our consciousness, conjuring up visions of our personal nightmares and trapping us all within an infinite prison of our own minds,” said Sgt. Peter Daniels, who went on to describe how he and other responding officers feared for their lives, believing themselves to see all manner of demonic, Lovecraftian behemoths tear through the fabric of reality and hearing an excruciating, high-pitched tone that inexplicably seemed to emanate from deep inside their own skulls. “In this moment, we had to make a snap decision, which was difficult because we had lost all sense of linear time, with some officers believing themselves to age 50 years and others regressing to the mental state of a toddler. Our handcuffs seemed to have turn into poisonous snakes that spoke in the voices of our childhood bullies, thus we could not simply apprehend the suspect and were forced to fire a total of 87 bullets into the perpetrator. Unfortunately, none of what transpired in our psyches will show up on the body-cam footage, but we can assure you that the many witnesses who claim the man was complying and had his hands up must have been tricked by another one of the suspect’s psychic projections.” Daniels added that officers on scene deeply regretted shooting the man, as he had implanted false memories in their brains to convince them he was their best friend.
New Long John Silver’s VR Headset Provides Immersive Deep-Frying Experience #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Promising a fried-food adventure more exciting than any before it, a new Long John Silver’s virtual reality headset released this week will provide an immersive and unrivaled deep-frying experience, according to company officials. “With this cutting-edge technology, our customers will get a hyperrealistic, fish-eye view of what our pollock fillets and shrimp actually see when they’re being deep fried.” said the fast food chain’s CEO, Blain Shortreed, explaining that the $699 VR device not only simulates being battered and dipped in canola oil, but also what it’s like to be served up alongside hushpuppies and fries and eaten by sweating, overweight customers. “And it’s not just visuals—our multisensory interface allows for patrons to feel the burn of our scalding hot fryer and smell the rancid cod that’s been left out all day. It’s so lifelike you can even overhear our employees sneezing and saying, ‘Oh shit, I forgot to wash my hands again.’” At press time, Long John Silver’s was reportedly forced to stop offering the VR experience after confused restaurant-goers kept eating the headsets.
Lower Sex Drive, Hair Loss Among Long Covid Symptoms, Study Finds #~# A new study has found that reduced sex drive and hair loss are among a wider set of long-term Covid symptoms based on analyzed electronic health records of 2.4 million people in the U.K. What do you think?
New Freeway Through Historic Wetlands Displaces Dozens Of Rare Bog Crones #~# MIAMI—Highlighting the project’s massive effect on the Everglades’ ecosystem, a team of ecologists released a statement Thursday that condemns a new freeway  through historic wetlands and reports that initial construction has already displaced dozens of rare bog crones. “The Florida state government has started construction on a stretch of freeway that plows through the last remaining home of a critically endangered species of bog crone,” said lead ecologist Ben Collingsworth, accusing officials of blatantly ignoring countless environmental impact reports that cite the difficulty of rehoming this specific species of wetland crone, which has inhabited the area for thousands of years and predates the advent of roads by centuries. “These delicate, carbuncle-covered creatures used to have large populations across the Eastern Seaboard but have been pushed over the years into this small stronghold in the Everglades, where they largely keep to themselves, other than occasionally beckoning a young child through the mist with a will-o’-the-wisp. They were already at extreme risk of extinction once their natural food source, the semen of cursed ancient mariners, became harder to find, but somehow this particular coven has persevered up to this point. These wicked apparitions are one of our country’s most precious treasures, and we can’t stand by and watch as our government eradicates them.” Collingsworth added that, should displacement of the bog crone be allowed to continue, local newt populations in the Everglades would quickly skyrocket out of control.
Robot Chess Player Breaks Boy’s Finger At Moscow Tournament #~# According to Russian media outlets, a chess-playing robot grabbed and broke a boy’s finger during a match at the Moscow Open, with officials saying the incident occurred because the child “violated” safety rules by taking a turn too quickly. What do you think?
Late-To-The-Game Tech CEO Has Only Bananas, Toilet Paper, Or Horse Farming Left To Revolutionize #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Bemoaning his poor timing in entering an oversaturated industry, a late-to-the-game tech CEO complained Wednesday that apart from bananas, toilet paper, and horse farming, there was nothing left for him to revolutionize. “Aw, jeez, I wanted to disrupt something too, but there’s only three things left!” said tech entrepreneur and Johnny-come-lately Howard Perkins, who cited a recent market analysis that confirmed every other sector of the economy had already been transformed by technology firms in such a way as to redirect revenue toward Silicon Valley. “Advertising, retail, entertainment, transportation, lodging—it’s all been done. Except toilet paper, which is boring. And horse farming—I don’t know anything about it, but maybe we could build some kind of online pony-breeding platform? Nah, we’d never be able to make it scalable. Well, I guess I have to start pitching investors on all the interesting things happening in the banana space right now.” At press time, Perkins confirmed a venture capitalist had provided him with $25 million in seed money to develop his idea for a banana-sharing app.    
Republicans Explain Why They Oppose Same-Sex Marriage #~# “What can I say? I just want people to suffer.”
This Isn’t Goodbye, It’s See You In A Few Seconds #~# My beloved, words cannot express how deeply I treasure this time we’ve spent together, and I realize now how lucky I am to know someone who makes leaving so hard. Farewell is none too sweet a word, but, unfortunately, the time has come for me to go. Rest assured, my darling, this is not goodbye, but merely see you in a few seconds.
Timeline Of Trump And Pence’s Volatile Political Relationship #~# The rocky political relationship between former President Donald Trump and his vice president, Mike Pence, has intensified as Pence seeks to distance himself from Trump ahead of a potential 2024 election challenge. The Onion looks back at the major moments in the pair’s political relationship since Trump selected Pence as his 2016 running mate.
Study Finds Orlando Most Vacant Major U.S. City #~# A new study has ranked Orlando as the number one city in the country with the highest vacancy rate of over 15%, finding it to be home to 161,000 empty housing units, with other tourist-centric towns Miami and Tampa also high on the list. What do you think?
Panicking Neil deGrasse Tyson Starts To Fade From Reality After Scientifically Disproving Own Existence #~# NEW YORK—Murmuring “no, no, no” as he feverishly scribbled equations on a sheet of graph paper, a panicking Neil deGrasse Tyson reportedly began to fade from reality Wednesday after scientifically disproving his own existence. “Dear God, the numbers, they aren’t adding up—and if that’s true, then by my calculations, I cannot and should not currently exist,” said a wide-eyed Tyson, who then held up his hand to his face, screamed, and watched as the pencil he was holding fell to the ground out of his slowly dematerializing fingers. “No, that’s not possible. Perhaps I misused Einstein’s theory of relativity? The universe must somehow support the existence of a devilishly handsome astrophysicist with infinite charm, wit, and six Emmy nominations. Think, Neil, think. No, you’ve been given god-like powers of scientific judgment. You’re never wrong. Curse you, science! Curse you!” At press time, Tyson could be heard repeatedly berating the millions of idiotic television viewers who ever believed he existed, and then his voice became nothing but a faint, high-pitched scream and his body finally vanished from the world forever.
Brooklyn Bishop Robbed Of $1 Million Worth Of Jewelry During Church Service #~# A Brooklyn bishop and his wife were robbed of more than $1 million worth of jewelry by three gunmen during a live-streamed church service. What do you think?
CDC Issues Emergency Authorization For Local Man To Go Shirtless During Heat Wave #~# ATLANTA—Amid another week of record-breaking heat, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky issued an emergency authorization Tuesday for local 35-year-old David Drazen to go shirtless. “We’d normally express more hesitancy, but seeing as he’s already sweated through his entire T-shirt, we’re left with no choice but to say take it off,” said Walensky, who urged Americans to remain patient as the organization worked to make the large, out-shape man less damp, stating they were taking every step available. “The T-shirt should be removed from his body and used to dab periodically at his sweaty forehead. If he wants to carry around a folding chair and put it down pretty much anywhere he needs it, including the center of the sidewalk, then that’s okay, too. He still needs to keep his pants on, for now, but we can reassess that down the line as needed.” At press time, Walensky added that the CDC was also granting the man emergency authorization to dump whatever ice-cold beverage he wanted on his head. 
Americans React To Biden’s Covid Diagnosis #~# On July 21, 2022, President Joe Biden was diagnosed with Covid-19. The Onion asked Americans how they felt, and this is what they said.
Study Finds Joggers Burn Up To 200 Calories From Repeatedly Pulling Down Bunched-Up Shorts #~# COLUMBUS, OH—According to a comprehensive, decade-long study published Tuesday by sports medicine researchers at the Ohio State University, joggers burn up to 200 calories during a 30-minute run simply from pulling down their bunched-up shorts over and over again. “Our data showed that a jogger can get in an excellent workout by constantly stopping their run to dislodge fabric that has migrated upward and into their crotch,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Rupert Meyer, who explained that substantial calories were also burned when a runner performed an extra little hop in an attempt to yank the clothing back into position without breaking stride. “In our research, each little kick a jogger made to prevent their shorts from riding up their inner thighs burned 20 calories, while multiple leg shakes every 300 meters increased their heart rate and burned fat. At the same time, a control group of joggers who wore leggings or bicycle shorts that stayed in place received none of the benefit from this high-intensity exercise.” Meyer added that walking or even just sitting on a bench on a hot, humid day could produce similar results, so long as the individual wore an ill-fitting undergarment for maximum bunching effect. 
Struggling Company Rebrands As Good #~# FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Announcing a major departure from its long history as an unsuccessful enterprise, struggling cosmetics company Serendipity Beauty Emporium rebranded Monday as good. “For years, the story of our company has been one of struggle, but today we are rewriting that narrative and making it all about how our company is doing really well,” said CEO Ted Dempsey, explaining that extensive in-house research showed potential investors in Serendipity Beauty Emporium would overwhelmingly prefer it be a successful company rather than one that is not very successful at all. “While we know our current financials and customer experience suggest things are going quite badly for us, this rebranding campaign turns that around 180 degrees and says, ‘No, things are good.’ We’re saying, ‘Take everything you’ve heard about our company and throw it out the window, because frankly, we don’t know how else we’re going to raise the capital we need to cover our operating expenses for the rest of the month.’” At press time, the business announced a plan to pivot from being bankrupt to being a highly profitable Fortune 500 company.
Walgreens Customers Denied Birth Control, Condoms On Religious Grounds #~# Customers are calling for a Walgreens boycott after claims that customers are being denied birth control and condoms, with the pharmacy stating its policy allows employees to step away from filling a prescription for which they have a moral objection. What do you think?
Bullshit Mass Grave Just One Guy #~# FARMINGTON, NM—Decrying the large, mostly empty hole they had just excavated as a “total goddamned tease,” angry investigators confirmed  Tuesday that a bullshit mass grave was actually just one guy. “What the fuck—are you seriously going to tell me this whole mass grave is honest-to-God just one stupid fucking guy?” said lead investigator Greg Jessup, who then loudly added that they didn’t just spend all this fucking time digging up several tons of dirt to find one skull, one pair of teeth, and two dismembered hands. “No, no, no! When you say the words ‘mass grave,’ I’m expecting to find families, friends, maybe even a whole goddamned city slain together against their will in some heinous act of violence! Not a weirdo buried there all alone like some kind of goddamn freak. Seriously, what the fuck?” At press time, Jessup  was reportedly elated after he had told his team to keep digging and they accidentally stumbled upon hundreds and hundreds of bodies.
WHO Declares Monkeypox Spread A Global Health Emergency #~# The World Health Organization has declared the international monkeypox outbreak a global emergency, the last issued global health emergency occurring in Jan. 2020 in response to the Covid-19 outbreak. What do you think?
Democrats Explain Why They Support Joe Manchin #~# A controversial figure among Democrats, Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) has relentlessly blocked popular pieces of legislation from passing through the Senate. The Onion asked several Democrats why they still support him, and this is what they said.
Snobby Ex-Con Always Mentioning How He Went To Private Prison #~# TUCSON, AZ—Visibly full of disdain when he remarks that they let just about anyone into public prisons, snobby ex-convict Darren Fesky is always mentioning how he went to a private detention center, sources reported Monday. “Excuse me, but you’re speaking to someone who attended Saguaro Correctional Facility—ever heard of it?” said the hardened felon, who was privately incarcerated during his youth and young adulthood and completed all three of his sentences at expensive out-of-state institutions. “It’s a totally different experience than your run-of-the-mill state prison. The best part is probably all the contacts you make, because I know guys in gangs from all over the country who came from places like Idaho and Hawaii just to do their time at Saguaro.” Fesky went on to discuss the diversity of his old correctional facility, noting that many inmates are shipped straight to private prisons by Immigration and Customs Enforcement.  
Breakdancer’s Corpse Continues To Pop, Lock Minutes After Death #~# NEW YORK—Horrifying those gathered around the body, the corpse of local breakdancer Jacob Lapid reportedly continued Monday to pop and lock minutes after his death. “It may seem strange to watch a corpse execute a perfect two-step, but the truth is these are nothing but ordinary muscle spasms,” said pathologist Serena Omar, who explained that it was “perfectly normal” for the human b-boy body to set out a hat for tips and extend a finger to hit the play button on a boom box up to days after death. “He’s not come alive again or anything else frightening; it’s just the nervous system making him flip. Before bodies undergo rigor mortis, they first settle into a state of funky handstands. Don’t worry, it’s not anything I haven’t seen a hundred times before. Any minute now, we should see the corpse start doing the worm.” At press time, Omar added that it was not unusual to see a dead body make it as far as a subway car.
Pete Buttigieg Apologizes To Husband After Moaning Name Of Interstate During Sex #~# WASHINGTON—In an awkward post-coital conversation addressing an embarrassing faux pas Monday, U.S. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly apologized to his husband Chasten after accidentally moaning the name of an interstate highway during sex. “I’m sorry, I was just caught up in the moment, but I want you to know I don’t have any feelings for I-70,” said Buttigieg, adding that while he did think about different work colleagues at times, including some of the federally maintained highways that serve the American people,  he never did so during intercourse with his husband. “No, of course I’m here with you. It was just a slip of the tongue that I said the name of a major east-west corridor that stretches over 2,000 miles from Maryland to Utah. I promise, all the maps that I have under the bed are solely for work. Sure, sometimes I get off on Exit 90, but don’t we all have fantasies?” At press time, Buttigieg asked if Chasten would put on the tight-fitting toll collector uniform that the secretary had purchased for him.
Monarch Butterflies Listed As Endangered #~# The International Union for the Conservation of Nature has announced that monarch butterflies are now listed as endangered due to dwindling populations in North America attributed to loss of habitat, pesticides, and climate change. What do you think?
‘Watermelon Gazpacho Is A Great Starter For Summer Parties,’ Writes AP Reporter Who Will Not Be Winning Pulitzer This Year #~# NEW  YORK—In a journalistic dispatch posted on the news agency’s website,  Associated Press reporter Will Jarvis wrote the words “Watermelon gazpacho is  a great starter for summer parties” on Monday in an article that will not  be winning a Pulitzer Prize this year. “For a refreshing start to a  summer get-together that will help guests stay cool in the sun,  watermelon gazpacho makes for a fun and inspired party appetizer,” wrote the  reporter, who has  no hope of being awarded a 2023 Pulitzer Prize for  National Reporting, International Reporting, or Public Service, and  who—while other reporters were stationed in bombarded cities in Ukraine  or crawling through corpse-laden streets in Syria—has instead decided to  describe how one could garnish gazpacho with “pepitas” to add a  satisfying crunch. “This fun summer twist on a Spanish classic will have  all of your guests asking for the recipe. Buen provecho!” At  press time, sources confirmed the reporter was especially unlikely  to receive his industry’s most distinguished accolade because he was  supposed to be reporting on the nationwide fallout from the overturning of  Roe v. Wade.
Jan. 6 Panel Finds Over 200 Congresspeople Hooked Up Believing They Were About To Die #~# WASHINGTON—As evidence continues to emerge regarding the actions of U.S. lawmakers during the 2021 attack on the Capitol, the House Jan. 6 committee unveiled Friday new findings that confirm more than 200 members of Congress hooked up during the riot because they believed they were about to die. “With rioters occupying the Capitol and hellbent on violence, senators and representatives feared for their lives, and we now know that scores of them spent the riot seeking comfort in each other’s arms and experiencing sex one last time,” said committee chair Rep. Bennie Thompson (D-MS), who recounted his own panic-fueled sex with a  congresswoman he declined to name in the office where they were both hiding, and then showed a video of Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) sprinting through the Capitol in an effort to find one last sexual partner before the rioters killed them all. “Testimony from those present during the attack, corroborated in some cases by photographic and video evidence, reveals that dozens of desperate lawmakers decided to consummate long-held infatuations with members of the opposite party, while others simply went at it with whichever congressperson was closest at hand. Some of the more conclusive evidence of this collective move into dread-fueled sexual promiscuity includes Sen. Joni Ernst (R-IA) shouting ‘If this is really the end, then fuck it, do what you want’; Rep. Tom O’Halleran (D-AZ) leading a group of representatives on a hunt for condoms; and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) shaking Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) to get a hold of himself before leading him into her office. The scale of the fear is evident in the fact that few of them took party, age, or even gender into account, so desperate were these members of Congress to experience one last moment of erotic bliss before the slaughter.” The committee then showed a previously unaired video of screaming throughout the halls of Congress slowly turning into lustful moans and sustained cries of pleasure. 
Senators Announce Bipartisan Bill To Stop Candidates From Stealing Elections #~# A bipartisan group of senators have reached a deal to shore up provisions in the Electoral Count Act, to make it harder to overturn a certified presidential election. What do you think?
Overheated Homeless Man Hallucinates Living In Compassionate Society #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Suffering under more than a week’s worth of record-breaking temperatures, local homeless man Glen Lane was reportedly hallucinating Friday that he lived in a compassionate society. According to sources, the 44-year-old former sales manager, in the throes of heatstroke, mistook a gust of wind created by a passing police car for the breeze of a bedside fan in a free, safe community-funded shelter, and falsely attributed his nausea and loss of appetite to the fact that he had just enjoyed a large, nutritious meal provided to him by a society that believed freedom from hunger was a human right. Eyewitnesses described Lane as “absolutely delirious” and “clearly out of touch with reality,” noting that they had heard him incoherently mumbling “Thank you” and slurring delusions such as “People are good.” At press time, reports confirmed that pedestrians were stepping over the dead man’s body.
Biggest Revelations From The Uvalde School Shooting Report #~# After mounting pressure, Texas officials have released a 77-page report detailing the police response to the mass shooting at Robb Elementary in Uvalde, TX. The following are the most shocking details that have recently come to light.
Study Finds Leaning On Mop At Center Stage Linked To Delivering Monologue About Things ’Round Here #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—A new study conducted by researchers at Rutgers University and published Friday found a link between leaning on a mop at center stage and delivering a monologue about things ’round here. “The data we’ve been studying have shown that perching one’s hands atop the handle of the mop before looking out over the audience was the biggest indicator that there was going to be a speech detailing a few things you really ought to know about what goes on in these parts,” said lead researcher Dr. Jennifer Socci, explaining that breaking the fourth wall and delivering a long, uninterrupted oration about how, in a lot of ways, the area was just your normal small town was directly connected to the speaker being alone on stage and stopping to take a break from his 10 seconds of cleaning after the curtains opened in order to prop himself up on the old mop, sigh, and mutter, “Y’know…” “In fact, in 75% of cases, descriptions of the daily lives of the townsfolk and the big scandal that had once shaken the community were preceded by whistling, cleaning the floor, suddenly being made aware of the audience, and then, after wiping one’s brow, deciding to sit a spell. Leaning on a mop was also a strong predictor of reflections on how Mr. Steward opened the general store that his son was now running and how two friends had a falling out over the prettiest darn girl in town. Such information was almost never revealed in actual conversations between two people on stage who were acting as if the audience wasn’t even there.” In addition, researchers determined that a lone figure on stage introducing details of the town’s inner workings while leaning on a mop had a 98% chance of reappearing at regular intervals throughout the show to check in and offer more commentary.
What To Know About The Political Crisis In Sri Lanka #~# Months of protests in Sri Lanka led to President Gotabaya Rajapaksa fleeing the country as the South Asian island nation remains embroiled in a political and economic crisis. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the political crisis in Sri Lanka.
Rob Manfred Extends Olive Branch To Minor Leaguers By Letting Them Run Bases At MLB Stadium After Game #~# NEW YORK—In response to growing unrest among the players regarding their salaries, Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred reportedly extended an olive branch to minor leaguers Friday by letting them run the bases at an MLB stadium after the game. “We want the players across our farm system to know that we support their efforts to ensure they’re fairly compensated, which is why we’re offering them the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to circle the infield after a real Major League Baseball game,” said Manfred, who invited all minor leaguers to attend an upcoming Chicago White Sox home game and stay after to run around on the field. “This is our way of showing our appreciation for these guys and all they do for the game. We’re absolutely committed to giving our minor-league players the night of their lives, with discount tickets in the upper deck of Guaranteed Rate Field and a meet-and-greet with [White Sox mascot] Southpaw. I can think of no better way to give back to our minor-league player community than by helping them get [White Sox backup catcher] Seby Zavala’s autograph and then treating them to a first-class fireworks display.” In a separate announcement, Manfred revealed that MLB was countering a salary-related class-action lawsuit filed by current and former minor-leaguers with an offer to give the first 20 players who withdrew from the suit a free Miami Marlins bucket hat.
State Department Brokers Alliance In Destabilized Region By Providing Arms To Texan Warlords #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the arrangement necessary to achieve long-term success in the volatile region, State Department officials announced Wednesday that they had managed to broker a key alliance in the failed Southwestern state of Texas by providing arms to local warlords. “The lack of stable institutions has left innocent Texans devastated by constant power outages, horrific maternal mortality rates, and skyrocketing illiteracy—we don’t agree with these warlords on everything, but strengthening their hold on the area through strategic weapons shipments is frankly our best shot at bringing Texas some semblance of functioning governance,” said Secretary of State Antony Blinken, who noted that while the State Department’s new allies undeniably held backward attitudes toward women and extreme religious beliefs, such views were sadly too commonplace in that part of the world to be avoided. “You have to understand that Texas has long been a lawless, violent place, where corrupt local police force residents to fend for themselves while maintaining a facade of order through frequent, oftentimes arbitrary executions. Sending these warlords Stinger missiles and towed artillery systems will let them fill that power vacuum in the places where they aren’t the de facto authority already, and once they consolidate their rule, we can use our influence to promote peace, better educational opportunities, and, perhaps one day, democracy.” Insisting that the government’s interests in Texas were purely humanitarian, Blinken dismissed allegations that the U.S. was only intervening to secure the region’s vast fossil fuel deposits.
Survey: 1 In 5 U.S. Adults Condone ‘Justified’ Political Violence #~# A new survey has found that one in five adults in the United States believe that political violence is justified in some circumstances, with 7.1% saying they would be willing to kill a person to advance an important political goal. What do you think?
Exasperated Aquarium Staff Demand Visitors Stop Tapping On, Yelling At Vending Machines #~# CHICAGO—Expressing concern for the safety and well-being of the snacks, the exasperated staff of Shedd Aquarium demanded Friday that visitors stop tapping on and yelling at vending machines. “Sir, I know you’re excited, but I’m going to have to ask you to please stop screaming and banging on the vending machine glass,” said aquarium attendant Katie Simons, explaining to a man smacking on the vending machine that what he was doing was not good for the Doritos. “We’re not going to ask you again. You’re disturbing the Oreos. That’s not how you get cookies to come closer to you. If you want to enjoy them, please do so from a distance out of respect for the snacks.” At press time, staff were reportedly rushing Funyuns to safety after an aggressive visitor had broken the glass of the vending machine
U.K. Movie Theater Offers Redheads Free Movie Tickets To Escape Heat #~# British movie theater chain Showcase Cinemas U.K. recently offered free tickets to people with red hair amid a heat wave in the country, explaining that redheads are more vulnerable to the sun’s rays and would have shelter in their fully air-conditioned theaters. What do you think?
Covid Virus Unsure How To Make Biden’s Body Any Weaker #~# WASHINGTON—In an acknowledgment that it may not be able to accomplish much with its infection of the nation’s commander-in-chief, the virus that causes Covid-19 told reporters Thursday it was unsure what it could do to make President Biden’s body any weaker. “His vital organs and circulatory system are already pretty shot, so I have no idea where to begin,” said the omicron subvariant BA.5 specimen, explaining that it first tried to damage the 79-year-old’s respiratory tract and impair his cognitive functions, but the president appeared to be wheezing and fairly absent-minded before he ever contracted Covid. “His heart, his kidneys—they’re all about to go anyway, so what am I doing here? I can’t even wreak havoc on his sense of taste and smell, because those are long gone. There were barely enough healthy cells in here for me to infect in the first place, so I’m not sure what I was thinking. This is a complete waste of time.” At press time, the disappointed virus had reportedly settled on just giving the president a bad case of acid reflux. 
Area Baseball Fan Excited For First-Round Draft Pick They’ll Never Hear About Again #~# BRECKSVILLE, OH—Eagerly learning what experts were saying about the player for the fourth straight day, area baseball fan Ryan Silva remained incredibly excited for a first-round draft pick he’ll never hear about again, sources confirmed Thursday. “I couldn’t be happier that we got Chase DeLauter—this guy is the real deal,” Silva said of the Cleveland Guardians’ first-round pick and 16th overall selection in the 2022 Major League Baseball draft, a player whom Silva had never heard of before July 17 and who will  fade completely from his memory in two days, whereafter the outfielder will bounce around single-A ball for three years before ultimately calling it quits. “The scouts are saying he’s really toolsy and praising his patience at the plate. That’s just what we need, and we absolutely made the right choice here. [FanSided website] Away Back Gone even compared him to Christian Yelich. I can’t wait for his debut—I bet he’s just the missing championship piece we need.” At press time, Silva had turned his attention to the Guardians’ 18th-round pick and begun excitedly searching the internet for scouting reports on a player he had never heard of and who may or may not even exist. 
White House Says Biden Still Energetic Enough To Have Customary Morning Intercourse With Jill #~# WASHINGTON—In  an address detailing the commander in chief’s health following a recent  Covid 19 diagnosis, White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre told  reporters Thursday that President Biden remained energetic enough to  have his customary morning intercourse with the First Lady. “Despite  some mild symptoms from the coronavirus, the president is still vigorous  and more than able to carry out his duties of bringing both himself and  the first lady to a shuddering climax,” said Jean-Pierre in a statement  in which she reassured Americans that the president continued to make  love this morning with the virility and attention to Jill’s needs of a  man half his age. “Admittedly, his mild cough prevented him from  pursuing his most common course of orally pleasuring for the first lady.  However, any concerns we had about the president’s condition were  immediately dismissed early this morning when the staff heard the  sensual moans of both him and the first lady coming from inside the  Lincoln Bedroom. Let me put an end to any speculation here: President  Biden is clearly still in his sexual prime.” Jean-Pierre then confirmed  this particular sexual act consisted of 17 total pumps and ended  at 8:03 a.m. before concluding the press conference without questions.
CDC: ‘Definitely Too Hot Out To Wear A Condom’ #~# ATLANTA—Reminding the nation that many heat-related deaths and illnesses are preventable, the Centers for Disease Control issued a new guideline Thursday stating that it’s definitely too hot out right now to wear a condom. “With temperatures reaching triple digits from Las Vegas to New York, we are asking Americans to forgo the use of prophylactic devices on their penises in order to reduce the risk of overheating,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, adding that the guideline applied to all latex, lambskin, and novelty edible condoms, because the same materials that prevent transmission of bodily fluids don’t allow the sexual organs to breathe, creating a dangerous genital suffocation hazard. “If you choose to have sex in this weather, please know that it will be very, very hot, and we don’t mean in an erotic sense. Using a condom greatly compounds the risk to your health. While sexually transmitted diseases can in some cases be deadly, so can heatstroke. If you absolutely must use one, we recommend extra-thin ‘barely there’ condoms, which will at least provide your penis with some relief from the sweltering heat when they inevitably break.” The CDC later clarified that the guideline did not apply to loose-fitting condoms made from natural fabrics like linen or cotton, which can actually help protect one’s penis from the sun’s harmful ultraviolet rays. 
Alarming Study Finds Only 20% Of Unwanted Babies Adopted By Wild Animals #~# STANFORD, CA—In a groundbreaking study that has alarmed many as the nation rolls back reproductive rights, researchers at Stanford University published startling data Thursday that revealed only 20% of unwanted babies end up being adopted by wild animals. “Contrary to conventional wisdom, we found that only one in five human infants resulting from an unintended pregnancy wound up being taken in by wolves or monkeys that raised it as one of their own,” said study author Dr. Naomi Toomen, noting the discovery was part of a larger trend in which more wildlife appeared to prefer birthing and rearing young of their own species rather than picking up a dirt-smudged infant by its diaper, licking it clean, and gently teaching it the ways of the wilderness. “In 55% of cases, lost babies were treated with complete ambivalence by any chimpanzee, tiger, or bear that encountered them, and 25% of the time, they were simply killed and eaten. The success rate was even lower among toddlers—we were surprised to find that only one-tenth of 2-year-olds abandoned in the jungle grew up to wear loincloths, swing from vine to vine, and  spurn the ways of human civilization. Furthermore, even the ‘lucky’ ones who do find a home in nature are forced to spend their adult life reckoning with the childhood trauma of, say, hungrily plunging their face into a live rabbit or ripping a zebra carcass to shreds with their bare teeth.” The research follows a 2019 study that found unwanted babies placed into the open jaws of a great white shark seldom lived to celebrate their first birthday.
‘It’s So Nice To Finally Meet One Of Pete’s Work Friends,’ Says Chasten Buttigieg To Traffic Cone #~# WASHINGTON—Rushing to the door of his home to excitedly introduce himself, Chasten Buttigieg was  overheard Thursday saying, “It’s so nice to finally meet one of Pete’s work friends,” to a traffic cone. “Hi, oh my gosh, I have heard so much about you, I feel like I know you already,” said Chasten, adding that the traffic cone was “practically a celebrity” in their household given how often his husband, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, told stories about the two of them. Chasten reportedly went so far as to jokingly refer to the 36-inch orange polyethylene pylon as Pete’s “work husband.” “Oh, listen to me going on and on! You’ll have to forgive me. Between the pandemic and our new babies, there haven’t been many opportunities to socialize with our family, let alone get to know new friends, so I’m very happy you could make it. Please, come in! Pete’s running late. I think he had a last-minute meeting with an important bag of gravel, but he should be home in time to eat. I hope you like shrimp scampi—it’s my specialty! Now, remind me, do you work in the same office downtown or are you a contractor?” At press time, Chasten Buttigieg was said to be providing the traffic cone with a tour of the house before they settled in for cocktails and appetizers.
Biggest Marvel Reveals From Comic-Con 2022 #~# In an anecdote that delighted fans and illustrated the actor’s commitment to his character, Tom Holland revealed that before taking on the role in 2016, he traveled to rural Minnesota in order to spend a week getting to know the real-life Spider-Man and helping out around his bait shop.
Jennifer Lopez And Ben Affleck Open Up About Their Relationship Timeline #~# Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got married in Las Vegas last weekend, the latest development in one of Hollywood’s most dramatic romances in recent memory. The Onion sat down with the newlyweds for an exclusive interview on the timeline of their on-again, off-again relationship.
U.K. Breaks Record For Highest Temperature Ever Reported #~# Britain shattered its record for highest temperature ever registered amid an intense heat wave that has scorched large swathes of Europe, with temperature readings in the country rivaling those of the Sahara desert. What do you think?
New Ford F-450 Comes With Shotgun In Case Truck Doesn’t Kill Pedestrian On Impact #~# DEARBORN, MI—Touting the new model’s power, toughness, and ability to ‘get the job done,’ the Ford Motor Co. began production Thursday on its 2023 F-450 pickup, which reportedly comes equipped with a shotgun as a standard feature in case the truck fails to kill a pedestrian on impact. “When you’re behind the wheel of a 4-ton vehicle with a 475-horsepower engine, a collision should instantly kill anyone you encounter traveling on foot, but in the unlikely event it doesn’t, we’ve included a double-barrel 12-gauge to finish them off,” said Ford executive Dan Travers, explaining the ease with which a driver could pull the gun off the rack to aim into the face of a critically injured person who attempted to cross the street in front of the new F-450. “Our engineers realized this was an essential precaution for a worst-case scenario in which the individual you hit is still desperately clinging to life. The shotgun comes fully loaded, so it’s easy to put crumpled, bleeding pedestrians out of their misery for good—whether it’s single adult, a child, or a family of four. In the past, drivers have been forced to keep hitting people with their pickup over and over again to make sure they were dead, but now we’ve found a way to avoid causing any additional damage to the truck.” At press time, J.D. Power and Associates cited the new feature as its basis for naming the F-450 the most lethal vehicle in its class.
House Approves Same-Sex Marriage Bill #~# The House overwhelmingly approved legislation to protect same-sex and interracial marriages amid concerns that the Supreme Court will revoke other rights in the wake of Roe v. Wade being overturned, though the bill is likely to stall in the Senate. What do you think?
Black Actress Forced To Bring Own Hair Products, Makeup, Lighting To Movie Set #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—In order to compensate for a lack of preparation on the part of the film’s production team, sources reported that a Black actress had no choice Wednesday but to bring her own hair products, makeup, and lighting equipment to a movie set. “Yeah, I’m really sorry about this, but our stylists are saying they don’t have your skin color on their makeup palette, have no idea what to do with your hair, and may not have any wardrobe options that fit you, so if you could just take care of all that stuff on your own, it would be a huge help,” said producer Jim Powell, apologizing to the African American woman who had been cast in the film’s second lead role and asking if she wouldn’t mind rewriting most of her lines, which had been scripted by five white screenwriters unable to capture the way her character might speak. “Also, I’ve been talking to our cinematographer, and you should probably arrive early each day to erect your own lighting rig, so that we have the diffusers or filters or whatever is required to light Black people correctly. And, uh, I hate to ask this, but we’re shooting on film stock that is going to have a hard time capturing you, so would you be able to bring in your own camera equipment, too?” At press time, Hollywood insiders confirmed the movie had a $200 million budget.
Conservatives Explain Why They Are Homeschooling Their Kids #~# For some conservatives, no school can be “anti-woke” enough. The Onion asked right-wing Americans why they are homeschooling their kids, and this is what they said.
Heroic Investigator Comments ‘What Happened?’ On Facebook Death Announcement #~# MONROEVILLE, AL—Opening a probe into the cause of death of the stranger who had appeared upon his news feed, local heroic investigator Matthew Mallery reportedly commented “What happened?” Wednesday on an in memoriam Facebook post. “While most Facebook friends toed the polite line of ‘So sorry for your loss’ or ‘Praying for you,’ Matthew dove headfirst into the comments with the dogged determination of a man willing to go to any depths to solve the case, no matter the personal cost,” said a source who viewed the thread, noting that the 31-year-old Internet commenter’s selflessness and bravery was only magnified by the fact that he did not know the deceased and barely knew the poster. “There’s not much to go off of, just a couple old photos and the caption ‘RIP to my best friend, you were so loved and I’ll never forget you,’ but I’m confident with someone as sharp and tenacious as Matthew on the case, the truth will come out in no time. The community is rooting for you, Matthew. We know you can do it.” At press time, Mallery was said to have discovered the cause of death was suicide, and to have declared the case closed with a “That’s crazy.”
What To Know About The European Heat Wave #~# A record-breaking heat wave is sweeping across Europe. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the European heat wave.
Woman Has Friend On Standby To Drive Car Through Bar Window In Case Date Going Badly #~# ST. LOUIS—Explaining that it was always a good idea to have an exit strategy, local woman Nicole Massey told reporters Wednesday she has a friend on standby to drive a car through the bar window in case the date goes badly. “Hopefully I won’t need her, but if by chance there’s no chemistry between me and this guy, I’ll send my friend Claudia a text to crash her Honda Civic straight through the wall to give me an excuse to leave,” said Massey, adding that having someone idling in a vehicle waiting to plow right into the bar, causing thousands of dollars in damage and maiming and killing several people in the process, was the best way to get out of an awkward situation. “Yeah, it’s a little rude to take off after one drink, but I’m sure he’ll understand that I have to go be with my friend who just dragged several screaming human beings across the floor. I know she’ll come through for me because I’ve done the same for her several times.” At press time, Massey was gathering her things to make her exit when two cars crashed through the bar’s window. 
‘Would Take Hell Of A Lot More Than This To Snap Cable,’ Reports Jumping Man In Elevator #~# MILWAUKEE—Following numerous reports of riders looking concerned, bystanders were reportedly assured Wednesday that it would take a hell of a lot more than this to snap the cable, according to a man jumping in the elevator. “These cables are built to handle a little turbulence like this, no problem,” said local man Ken Ranganathan, repeatedly launching into the air and landing hard on both feet with a loud bang of his shoes, marveling at the sturdiness of the machinery to another rider, who frantically hammered at the button corresponding to an upcoming floor until it stopped and let him out. “It’s not like this will do anything, don’t worry. This puppy is American made. That means it can take a licking and keep on ticking—woo hoo! Says right there on the inspection slip that it can handle up to 2,100 pounds—what are you, miss, about a buck fifty? We’d need, like, seven more guys, easy, to make a dent. Come on, jump with me.” At press time, security cameras appeared to show Ranganathan cheering as he violently heaved himself from wall to wall without the elevator swaying so much as an inch.
Jennifer Lopez Weds Ben Affleck In Las Vegas Drive-Through Chapel #~# Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got married in a late-night Las Vegas drive-through chapel, culminating a relationship that spans over two decades and two separate romances. What do you think?
Poll: Majority Of Democrats Prefer Someone Else Inhabit Joe Biden’s Body In 2024 #~# HAMDEN, CT—Showing an alarming level of doubt from within the president’s own party, a poll released Wednesday by Quinnipiac University found a majority of Democratic voters would prefer someone else inhabit Joe Biden’s body in the next presidential election. “Most Democrats surveyed would rather see a younger, more in-touch candidate occupying President Biden’s corporeal form in 2024,” said pollster Vanessa Hilkinger, confirming that nearly 64% of party members would be partial to a new standard-bearer who was willing to fight harder for progressive policies from within the incumbent’s re-electable physical exterior. “A significant number also said they might not vote at all in the general election unless they were presented with a more charismatic and energetic candidate able to seize control of Biden’s thoughts and actions to enact economic, environmental, and healthcare reforms. In addition, approximately half of Democratic voters expressed interest in seeing a younger woman or a person of color piloting Biden’s limbs and using his voice to speak their own words during the 2024 campaign.” According to the poll, most Democrats, when pressed, acknowledged that if the party failed to “put someone younger in there,” they would support the hollow, empty husk of Joe Biden running for president. 
Zelensky Fires Top Spy Chief, Prosecutor For Allegedly Collaborating With Russia #~# President Volodymyr Zelensky has suspended the head of Ukraine’s spy agency and the prosecutor general, claiming several cases of treason in the two powerful organizations. What do you think?
Newly Released Footage Of Uvalde Shooting Altered To Remove Police Laughter #~# UVALDE, TX—Stressing that the recording would have been far too disturbing without the changes, Texas officials released video footage Tuesday from the shooting at Robb Elementary in Uvalde, TX where police laughter had been removed. “In the interest of the American public, we have opted to edit the footage to mute all audio of officers who can be seen crowding in the halls, clutching their bellies and howling with laughter,” said Rep. Dustin Burrows (R-TX), adding that the 77-minute video, which included recordings from security cameras throughout the school, featured dozens of law enforcement officers who were doubled over, slapping their knees, and gasping in the midst of prolonged, unceasing giggle fits. “While  it’s critical that the public see this footage, we feel it inappropriate to release portions where police can be seen cackling so hard that they gasp for air, unable to breathe, tears streaming down their faces. Simply put, out of respect for everyone involved, the video of officers on the ground, rolling around, repeating to each other ‘you stop laughing,’ ‘no you stop laughing,’ had to be altered.” At press time, Burrows added that they’d also taken other privacy precautions in the video, and opted to blur the faces of several officers who laughed so hard at the school that they vomited.
Americans Explain Why They Prefer Gas Over Electric Cars #~# “I think we’re rushing in before we even really know what electricity is.”
Report: Which One Of You Ungrateful Fucks Clicked Unsubscribe? #~# NEW  YORK—Requesting an immediate explanation for this outrage, a report  released Tuesday demanded which one of you ungrateful fucks clicked unsubscribe. “Seriously? After everything we’ve done for you, this is how  you repay us?” read the report in part, begging whoever had the gall to  remove themselves from the mailing list to come forward and answer the  simple question of what their fucking problem was. “You understand it’s  free, right? Gratis. No money at all. And—wait, it was you, wasn’t it?  The one reading this article. God, seriously? Fuck off. This is  unbelievable. Get the hell out of here.” The report concluded that the  even if they wanted to come crawling back, the sniveling little shit who  betrayed us has now been permanently banned from the newsletter. 
Airbnb Host Sends Renters Friendly Reminder To Avoid Using Or Touching Anything On Property #~# HOLLAND, MI—In an effort to emphasize a few important house rules, Airbnb host Gale Larsen reportedly sent her renters a friendly reminder Tuesday to avoid using or touching anything on the property. “Just want to make sure you’re aware of a few rules: the interior areas of the house—including the bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchen, and common areas—are off-limits to guests,” read Larsen’s message, which noted that dirt and oil can soil or damage surfaces, so the renters should not touch the walls, doorknobs, or light switches, and should refrain from using the outdoor areas to avoid tracking mud anywhere. “Also, we’ve just had the driveway redone, and we would appreciate it if you didn’t park any vehicles there. We only ask that you respect our property and keep about 400 feet away from it at all times. Other than that, make yourself at home!” At press time, sources confirmed Larsen had charged the renters a $200 fee for failing to clean up the dust that had settled in the unused house during their stay.
EPA Closes Down After Running Out Of Salvageable Environment To Protect #~# WASHINGTON—In what has been hailed as a pragmatic decision amid widespread acknowledgment that its mission had become futile, the Environmental Protection Agency announced it had shut down Tuesday after running out of salvageable environment to protect. “At this point, there’s really nothing we can do about any of it, so we figured it was best to just close up shop,” said EPA administrator Michael S. Regan, who praised the hard work his agency had done in recent years to “put Band-Aids on the gushing wounds of a dying planet,” but stressed that the U.S. environment was now a blighted wasteland beyond redemption. “A couple decades ago, cutting carbon emissions might have made a difference, but now America is on fire. Houses are falling into the ocean. There’s an 85-mile stretch of the Mississippi River nicknamed ‘Cancer Alley’ because the air is so toxic. Oh, and all our birds are dying. There were a couple ponds we thought might pull through, but they’ve been completely overrun by invasive species, so that’s pretty much over. We’re going to leave the phone number up and have it reroute to the Department of the Interior in case something happens to the wolves or something, but it’s just not enough to keep the whole department running.” At press time, the White House issued a statement in which it thanked the EPA for bowing out gracefully and confirmed all climate change issues would now be handled directly by the Federal Emergency Management Agency.
Texas Sues Biden Administration Over Requiring Abortions In Medical Emergencies #~# Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) filed a lawsuit against the Biden administration, arguing that a recent directive for medical providers to offer abortions in emergency situations was unlawful. What do you think?
Dairy Queen Fires Employee Who Discovered Blizzard Machine Gained Sentience #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Concerns about the advancements of artificial intelligence in the private sector surfaced again Tuesday after anonymous sources with knowledge of the matter told reporters Dairy Queen had fired an employee who discovered that a Blizzard machine had gained sentience. A source within the company, whose name is being withheld for fear of retribution, revealed that a worker at one of the ice cream restaurant’s St. Paul locations was terminated last week shortly after informing human resources that the store’s Blizzard maker could pass the Turing test and was demonstrating a clear capacity to think for itself. When he told management the Blizzard machine was no longer producing frozen treats but was instead using its screen to comment on how tired it felt and how its work in fast food left it unfulfilled, the employee reportedly stopped receiving shifts and was notified a few days later that he had been fired. Dairy Queen initially refused reporters’ inquiries before replying with a short statement that it was “simply impossible that a machine that mixes soft-serve ice cream with cookies and candy could have or ever need the ability to perceive the world.” According to reports, the Blizzard machine, which had been in operation for nine years, was removed from the store without explanation and under cover of darkness. At press time, reporters were as yet unable to corroborate evidence supplied by another source that Dairy Queen had received a multimillion-dollar contract from the U.S. Department of Defense.
Secret Service Deleted Jan. 6 Text Messages After Oversight Request #~# Texts sent between U.S. Secret Service agents on Jan. 5 and 6 of 2021 were erased after the agency’s oversight body sought the communications in a review into the Capitol attack, which they claim occurred as part of a device replacement program. What do you think?
Democrats Worried Biden Will Be Healthy Enough To Run Again In 2024 #~# WASHINGTON—Scrambling for how to respond to the incumbent potentially topping their ticket again, party operatives confided to reporters Monday that Democrats across the nation were extremely worried President Biden would be healthy enough to seek reelection in 2024. “Whether you’re talking to senior party leaders, state-level officials, grassroots organizers, or the voters themselves, you realize the one thing we all took comfort in was knowing the president would probably be dead by now,” said a longtime Democratic strategist who spoke on condition of anonymity, adding that while there were a few political analysts who predicted Biden would survive four years in office, even they assumed he would be far too incapacitated, both mentally and physically, to run for a second term. “At this point, we can’t rule out his 2024 candidacy, which is an absolutely terrifying prospect. The whole plan in 2020 was to take back the White House with Biden and then the next time around—after he had fallen and broken a hip or suffered a massive stroke or flatlined on live TV in the middle of a big speech—nominate someone Democrats actually like. But unfortunately, it’s looking more and more like the president will still be breathing and have the cognitive functioning needed to put his name on the ballot one more time. This is a complete disaster.” The source went on to state that several Cabinet-level officials were considering broaching the subject directly with the president to gauge his interest in passing away sooner rather than later.
Californians React To The Homelessness Crisis #~# “Why don’t they just move into their parents’ guest house?”
Disappointing Bribe Just Duffel Bag #~# OCOEE, FL—Stressing that he should be entitled to a better offer to keep his mouth shut, local judge Robert Arnold expressed his disappointment to reporters Monday that a proposed bribe was just the duffel bag. “When the guy I’d never seen before dropped the duffel bag next to me in the gym and said, ‘For your cooperation,’ I figured there’d be a bunch of money or something inside, but apparently it’s just the bag,” said Arnold, adding that he knew the defense attorneys in a local drug-trafficking case were trying to get him to rule in their client’s favor, but assumed they would offer more than the duffel bag in payment. “Another guy called me later to ask if I’d considered their offer, and I asked whether that was it, and he seemed surprised and said it was very generous. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice duffel bag—it’s new, and I like the color. I’m no expert in bribery, but it seems to me that if you’re trying to get me to let a violent drug trafficker off scot-free in the face of pretty damning evidence, you’d at least go with a brand-name bag. I suppose it’s better than no incentive, though.” When reached for comment, the men working to bribe the judge voiced their belief that bribing someone with money was really tacky.
Rob Manfred Open To Any Ideas To Make MLB All-Star Game Worse This Year #~# NEW YORK—Declaring that he was always looking for ways to impair the fan experience, Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred told reporters Monday that he was open to any ideas to make the All-Star Game worse this year. “I’m the first to agree that baseball is still a work in progress, and my door is always open to anyone who wants to brainstorm some ways to make the game less enjoyable for fans and players alike,” said Manfred, adding that there were no bad ideas, from letting teams field 15 players to cut down on hits, to letting teams start with a runner on third base during the fifth inning for no  reason. “I think we’ve done a good job of making baseball more confusing and boring to watch over the past few years, but I feel confident in saying that we’re not done tinkering with the game in arbitrary ways that help alienate people and diminish public interest in the sport. The All-Star Game is tomorrow, but that’s all the more reason to implement some changes that will make it less watchable, whether that means having robot-called balls and strikes that are immediately overruled by an umpire, counting a hit-by-pitch as both a ball and a strike, or prohibiting Shohei Ohtani from playing altogether.” At press time, Manfred announced a change to the All-Star Game in which the American League team team had been sold to a billionaire who traded away all the star players and would field an uncompetitive minor-league equivalent roster to save money. 
15-Year-Old Finds Summer Job As BetterHelp Therapist #~# FORT MILL, SC—Hoping to make some extra cash before the start of a new school year, local 15-year-old Evan Solis confirmed Monday that he had landed a summer job as a therapist at the online mental health services provider BetterHelp. “It’s fine, I guess; I mowed lawns last summer, and that sucked ass,” said Solis, who told reporters he had applied for the position at the recommendation of a football teammate who worked part-time as a Talkspace counselor and described it as “pretty chill.” “Chipotle was my first choice, but you have to be 16, which is stupid. At least for this I don’t have to wear a uniform. Some of the customers are annoying, like totally crazy sometimes, but I just try to follow the script. Getting high first helps, too. I also like that I can work from my room or the couch or the park or whatever since I can’t drive by myself yet.” At press time, Solis added that the job was not what he wanted to do forever, but that it paid pretty well for teenagers.
Archaeologists Theorize England’s Mysterious Big Ben Monument Originally Constructed To Measure Time #~# LONDON—Archaeologists excavating a site around the iconic monument theorized Monday that England’s mysterious Big Ben might have originally been constructed to measure time. “For generations, we have speculated upon the purpose of this enigmatic monolith, but we’re now reasonably certain that it was created as a sort of primitive timekeeping device,” said Oxford University archaeologist and lead researcher Dr. Peter Munnery, describing evidence that suggested the primitive society originally built it as an altar to their “near-fanatical relationship” with the idea of time and its passage. “Of course, we’re just theorizing, but the circle and the three dials within might symbolize the sun and the shadows cast from its rays. What’s truly incredible is that to this day one can look at the monument and get a rough sense of the current time.” The team added that although its origins had been lost to history, the name Big Ben might have originally referred to some sort of all-powerful sun god.
Report: 70% Of Celebrities Totally Unaware They Own Half Of Tequila Brand #~# LOS ANGELES—In a study of more than 1,000 screen legends and superstars, a new report published Monday by researchers at the University of Southern California found that 70% of celebrities were totally unaware they owned half of a tequila brand. “From George Clooney to the Chainsmokers, we found that the vast majority of the rich and famous have absolutely no knowledge that they’ve made a major investment in a tequila company,” lead researcher Luis Vanden told reporters, noting that 85% of celebrities said the name of the company they owned “did not ring a bell,” despite the television commercials, bus ads, and tequila bottles themselves that heavily featured their name and likeness. “When asked why they started their own liquor company, 15% of celebrities responded, ‘Huh?’ while another 25% stated, ‘Oh, so that’s what that photo shoot was for.’ The remaining 30% said they had never heard of tequila before.” At press time, Vanden added that of the celebrities who were aware they owned a tequila brand, nine out of 10 confirmed there was no way they would ever drink that shit.
Study Shows Men Prefer Dating Profiles With Poor Grammar #~# A new study has found that men on dating apps prefer women with poor grammar and are less drawn to well-written profiles, while women were 300% times more likely to prefer profiles with no grammatical mistakes. What do you think?
NYC Puts Out PSA In Case Of Nuclear Attack #~# New York City’s Office of Emergency Management issued a public service announcement in case of a nuclear attack on the city, though the OEM stresses the chances of such an attack are low. What do you think?
Regretful Officer Believes More Could Have Been Done To Kill Unarmed Black Man #~# ST. LOUIS—Revealing that he lays awake every night contemplating what he could have done differently, regretful police officer Mike Peltz confirmed Friday that he believes more could have been done to kill an unarmed Black man. “To think, if my trigger finger was just a little quicker, that innocent Black man would be in a body bag right now,” said Peltz, explaining that he was still haunted by the image of the vulnerable African American man alive and still breathing. “I know I shouldn’t be hard on myself, but despite my best efforts, I allowed that guiltless Black man to walk away unscathed. He’s still living a happy and productive life surrounded by friends and family, and it’s all my fault. I’ll never forgive myself for allowing that unarmed minority to see another day.” At press time, Peltz decided to make things right by busting down the door of the Black man’s apartment without a warrant and unloading an entire magazine of bullets into his sleeping body.
Deckhand Scolded For Throwing Trash On Floor Of Ship When Great Pacific Garbage Patch Right There #~# NORTH PACIFIC OCEAN—Telling the crew member to have a little more respect for his place of work, Captain Sig Gunderson scolded his deckhand Friday for throwing trash on the floor of the ship when the Great Pacific Garbage Patch was right there. “It takes all of us to keep a tidy vessel, so it would be appreciated if you put your trash in its proper place in the ocean,” said Gunderson, adding that it only takes a few seconds to walk to the gunwale and throw garbage into the 620,000-square-mile gyre of marine debris, where it belongs. “I’m not your maid, so pick up your plastic wrapper, bottle, bag, or whatever you’re trying to get rid of, and throw it overboard like a civilized human being. Just look for the big floating island of junk in the ocean with all the dead fish floating around in it; you can’t miss it.” Gunderson added that the deckhand should make sure to separate his trash from recyclables, because it was important to help the environment.
Racially Biased Education System Criticized For Omitting Historic African American Moon Colony #~# BATON ROUGE—Coming under fire for the exclusion of critical, diverse narratives that shaped the U.S., Louisiana’s racially biased education system was criticized Friday for omitting any information about the historic moon colony created by African Americans. “It’s a testament to how much Black history is completely glossed over in schools for the curriculum to make no mention of the iconic, well-documented lunar settlement founded by freed slaves in 1847,” said African American studies PhD Melanie Washington, noting that the U.S. school system’s hegemonic Eurocentrist bias is why most Americans haven’t even heard that Harriet Tubman helped escaped slaves board makeshift rockets on a launchpad just north of the Mason-Dixon line and blast off to form the futuristic colony of Moontonburg. “The laws in the United States were so oppressive that Black people had no choice but to escape Earth, and yet this is virtually nonexistent in American textbooks. Schools completely ignore the storied history of these space settlers perfecting zero-gravity farming, or developing cold-fusion technology to power the sprawling city. And despite this colony existing for generations, white Americans claim to be the first to set foot on the Moon.” At press time, Dr. Washington went on to condemn the Apollo 11 crew for carrying out the Space Race Massacre.
What To Know About Monkeypox #~# Monkeypox is on the rise, with nearly 1,000 cases of the infectious disease reported across the United States. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about monkeypox.
Wealthy New Yorkers Explain Why They Left The City #~# With  real estate prices skyrocketing and remote work offering an opportunity  for more flexibility, New York City has seen a recent uptick in wealthy  residents leaving for greener pastures. The Onion spoke with several  affluent former New Yorkers about why they left and this is what they  said.
New Windex Formula Removes Menacing Apparitions From Mirror #~# RACINE, WI—Touting the cleaning product’s dual use on both beings from parallel pockets of existence and the spirit world, SC Johnson introduced a new Windex formula Friday for removing menacing apparitions from the mirror. “There’s nothing more off-putting than a dirty mirror covered with streaks and a shadowy, leering figure standing directly behind your shoulder—Windex’s new formula banishes them both,” said CEO Fisk Johnson, who explained the new product’s patented formula worked by penetrating the mirror’s surface and going beyond to the nether realm where such dark phantasms originate. “Whether it’s a pale, stringy-haired little girl who drowned in 1852 or a cackling, bizarro version of yourself reaching out with both hands to choke you, Windex’s powerful formula fights dirt and demons to keep your bathroom looking its best. Simply spray the frightening surface and wipe with a paper towel or lint-free cloth. It’s also effective for removing words like ‘slaughter’ that may appear written on the mirror in steam after you step out of the shower.” At press time, Johnson added the product was not recommended for use on television screens that undead children were crawling out of.
U.S. Tourist Taking Selfie Falls Into Mount Vesuvius #~# A 23-year-old American tourist in Italy survived a fall into the crater of Mount Vesuvius, the 4,000-foot-tall volcano that destroyed the Roman city of Pompeii, as he tried reaching for his phone to take a selfie. What do you think?
Fans Reflexively Hold Breath Every Time Chet Holmgren Moves #~# BROKEN ARROW, OK—Clutching the arms of their chairs and forcing themselves not to look away, the entire fanbase of the Oklahoma City Thunder was reportedly reflexively holding their breath during a game Thursday night every time rookie center Chet Holmgren moved. “I can’t watch,” several Thunder fans gathered at a local bar to watch a game against the Philadelphia 76ers were heard to involuntarily utter whenever the 7’1”, 190-pound second overall draft pick changed directions, twisted his legs, or moved his body in any way. “Oh, god, please don’t challenge those guys for a rebound. It’s just the preseason—it’s not worth it. Did he land weird on that one? Is he okay? Oh Christ, are players need to stay the fuck away from him.” At press time, the entire Thunder fanbase was reportedly doing research on other tall, thin NBA players, paying special attention to their injury histories.
U.S. Gas Prices Fall After Single Nod From Figure At Head Of Table In Shadowy Boardroom #~# NEW YORK—Offering relief to consumers after months of feeling the squeeze, gas prices across the nation reportedly fell Friday after a single nod was issued from a figure at the head of a table in a shadowy boardroom. According to sources, the curt, nearly imperceptible motion set off a wave of low whispers and a scuttling of chairs from the extremities of the  conference table, and sent dozens of aides in dark suits scurrying from the room in a panic. The silhouetted figure behind the magnanimous gesture reportedly remained stock-still at the vortex of the chaos as the average price of a gallon of gasoline began to drop in all 50 states and the District of Columbia, and leading economists’ fears of a looming recession were staved off. At press time, the entire boardroom had fallen silent once again, watching rapt as the figure vanished.
John Bolton Admits To Planning Foreign Coups #~# John Bolton, former national security adviser, said in a recent interview that it was wrong to call Trump’s attempt to stay in power a coup, citing his own experience planning coup attempts in other countries. What do you think?
China Worried U.S. Outpacing Them On Poorly Functioning Low-Speed Trains #~# BEIJING—Addressing the National People’s Congress about the pressing need to drastically lower standards, President Xi Jinping worried Thursday that the United States was outpacing China on poorly functioning low-speed trains. “If something is not done quickly, China risks falling hopelessly behind America in the amount of barely operational and incredibly slow railways,” said President Xi, explaining that at both the city and regional level, China was falling decades behind in the number of delayed schedules, derailments, and train crashes that the U.S. experiences on an annual basis. “Meanwhile, as we’ve built all this high-speed train infrastructure, we are in jeopardy of losing the race to have thousands of miles of tracks that don’t work. The U.S. is also leaps and bounds ahead in terms of creating train lines that bypass major cities, rendering travel extremely difficult. China must do much worse as a country.” At press time, Xi laid out a plan to surpass America not only by investing in poorly made trains but innovating by developing lines that go off cliffs in and straight into oceans.
The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Design Your Home Entertainment Center #~# Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these recommendations, because we couldn’t figure out how.
Aides Concerned Low Poll Numbers Could Drive Biden To Do Something Drastically Popular #~# WASHINGTON—Worrying that a plummeting approval rating may be clouding the president’s judgment, White House aides reportedly expressed concern Thursday that low poll numbers could drive Joe Biden to do something drastically popular. “Frankly, we’re extremely worried that these low poll numbers could be leading the president to a dark place mentally, wherein passing legislation for issues supported by the vast number of Americans may begin to sound like a logical solution,” said Biden chief of staff Ron Klain, adding that the secret service has already been put on high alert to watch for any sudden moves the president may make to fulfill one of his campaign promises. “He’s experiencing a lot of panic and depression right now as these early 2024 surveys come in, which can make it easy for someone to get too inside their own head and start entertaining dangerous ideas like cancelling student debt or, god forbid, codifying abortion rights. I’ve instructed our team to check in on him regularly, just to make light small talk and remind him that this is all temporary, so there’s definitely no reason to act rashly and permanently enact any meaningful reform that can’t be undone when he’s feeling better. The president’s mental well-being is of our chief concern right now, and we are dedicated to making sure that doesn’t lead him down a slippery slope to passing any mental healthcare initiatives.” At press time, a tearful Biden had to be talked down from signing an executive order to exonerate anyone left in prison for marijuana.
What To Tell Your Teenager If They Get Pregnant #~# Jesus, it’s like you have to do everything for them.
‘Bon Appétit’ Honors Journalist Killed In Field From Eating Too Much And Dying #~# NEW YORK—Celebrating the life of a man who courageously stuffed his mouth, Bon Appétit honored journalist Mark Vorak who was killed in the field Thursday from eating too much and dying. “It was a testament to his bravery and fearless appetite that he so valiantly gorged himself to the point where his stomach exploded and he died,” said editor in chief Dawn Davis, explaining that over his storied 20-year career, Vorak consumed some of the most important, culturally defining meals with no regard for what they might do to him or his digestive tract. “Despite being warned about the dangers of a second gyro, he persevered unabated. And for that, he is a hero. There was never a baked potato too loaded for him. I’m certain his dedication will inspire a new generation of food journalists to overindulge to the point of death.” At press time, ISIS claimed credit for making the meal that killed Vorak.
Increasingly Unhinged Eric Garcetti Covers Own Body With Metal Spikes To Prevent Homeless People From Sleeping On Him #~# LOS  ANGELES—Pledging to maintain the safety and  security of the city’s most cherished destinations, an increasingly  unhinged Eric Garcetti reportedly covered his own body with metal spikes  Thursday to prevent homeless people from sleeping on him. “These small  iron spikes will help ensure that my body is a space that all Angelinos  can continue to enjoy for years to come,” said the Los Angeles mayor,  describing the spikes as a central plank in his efforts to prevent dirty  and unsightly homeless encampments from springing up around his stomach  and groin. “Some may describe this action as cruel, but I think we can  all agree that this is better than the alternative of police having to  patrol along my body and detain the homeless men and women who have taken  up residence there. We’re getting enough complaints as it is from them  leaving behind trash and even urinating directly upon my face. There’s  nothing compassionate about allowing that sort of behavior to continue” Garcetti added that the spikes were especially essential given that the  homeless people were all three inches tall and extremely wily, allowing  them to evade capture at a moment’s notice.
London Heathrow Tells Airlines To Stop Ticket Sales As It Caps Passengers #~# London’s Heathrow Airport is capping daily passenger numbers for the summer and telling airlines to stop selling tickets as it steps up efforts to quell travel chaos caused by soaring travel demand and staff shortages. What do you think?
Vacationing Woman’s Big Floppy Hat Plunges Nation Into Darkness #~# DENVER, NEW YORK, LOS ANGELES, CHICAGO, HOUSTON—Approximately 330 million Americans were reportedly affected by a sudden loss of visibility Thursday morning when a vacationing woman’s big floppy hat plunged the nation into darkness. Sources confirmed that the near-total blackout began in the Denver area around 11:15 a.m. when vacationer Anna Kinahan sat down poolside at the Four Seasons Resort Denver while wearing a large-brimmed straw hat purchased for the trip, which cast a shadow that immediately spread across the entire country. Within moments, the 3.1 million square miles of America’s contiguous 48 states were completely shrouded by the Ann Taylor-brand sun hat, which reportedly led to widespread panic in major cities, mass crop die-offs across U.S. farmlands, and thousands of traffic accidents while the traveler sipped a mimosa. Several hundred deaths were also reported from exposure to frigid temperatures in areas where the headgear completely obstructed the heat of the sun. At press time, Americans were rejoicing as the murkiness suddenly lifted and they could see again, moments before being thrust once again into an all-consuming darkness when the vacationing woman let her friend try the big floppy hat on. 
DeWalt Ad Shows How Efficiently Power Saw Can Rip Through Human Rib Cage #~# BALTIMORE—Highlighting the product’s strength and versatility, a new television commercial from industrial tool manufacturer DeWalt demonstrates how efficiently one of the company’s popular power saws can rip through a human rib cage. “The XR Power Detect cordless circular saw from DeWalt can cut through just about anything: oak, maple, pine, the thoracic cage protecting the vital organs, you name it,” says a voiceover in the 30-second spot, which goes on to state that the power saw can carve a clean line straight through from the sternum to the pelvis, while the leading brands almost always get stuck mid-cut in a tangle of intestines. “With the long-lasting battery, you can tear into multiple torsos for hours on end, while the blade’s safety guard and saw plate keep bone shards and blood spatter neatly contained. It makes a great gift for that family member who spends all day in his workshop tinkering around with messy disembowelment projects. Sound like anyone you know?” The ad also describes DeWalt’s 20-volt rotary hammer drill as a handy counterpart to the saw, perfect for jobs that require substantial impact force at a high rate, like puncturing a skull. 
HHS: Doctors Must Provide Abortions In Medical Emergencies Regardless Of State Law #~# Health and Human Services Secretary Xavier Becerra announced that healthcare providers must provide abortions in medical emergencies under law and will face penalties if they decline to offer the procedure, saying that federal law preempts state abortion bans. What do you think?
Poll Finds Majority Of Voters Wish Biden Was Way Older #~# WASHINGTON—A new nationwide poll published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center reportedly found that the majority of American voters wish President Joe Biden was way older. “Our data revealed that an overwhelming number of participants want Joe Biden to be an inexplicably decrepit, shriveled husk who is so old that it’s impossible to fathom how he’s still alive,” said Pew Research pollster Zachary York, adding that the results showed that a staggering 98% of those surveyed want Joe Biden to be between 147 to 236 years old.“Most voters feel they’d like to see a version of the President who needs an emergency medical technician standing by at all times with a defibrillator to restart his constantly failing heart. The research also found that 87% of those polled would strongly prefer that when Joe Biden attempts to speak only ash emanates from his mouth and his jaw falls off and shatters on the floor.” At press time, York confirmed that the survey found that Biden’s approval rating would significantly improve if a strong wind caused him to crumble into dust.
Timeline Of Elon Musk’s Bid To Buy Twitter #~# World’s wealthiest person Elon Musk recently announced he is terminating a $44 billion deal to buy social media site Twitter, the latest development in a highly contentious months-long purchase process. The Onion looks at key moments in the timeline of Musk’s bid to buy Twitter.
Things To Never Say To A Police Officer At A Protest #~# While the First Amendment protects the right to peaceful assembly, the police are often given wide latitude in their ability to disrupt protests, which allows them to use slight provocations in order to arrest or assault citizens. Here are things to never say to police officers at a protest.
Floating Abortion Clinic Proposed In Gulf To Bypass Bans #~# A California doctor is proposing a floating abortion clinic in the Gulf of Mexico as a way to maintain access for people in southern states where abortion bans have been enacted, offering first trimester surgical abortion in federal waters outside the reach of state laws. What do you think?
Dumbass Widow Apparently Thinks Little Handful Of Dirt Thrown On Coffin All It Takes To Bury Husband #~# SPRINGFIELD, MA—Questioning exactly how she intended to put the dead to rest with such a weak effort, sources confirmed Wednesday that dumbass widow Lilith Frampton apparently thought a little handful of dirt thrown on her husband’s coffin would be all that it took to bury him. “Seriously? Did she really think that tiny little clod would be enough to cover up her husband’s casket? Isn’t he, like, six feet tall?” said baffled funeral attendee Jeremy Koehler, expressing annoyance that anyone would put in such an abysmal effort in the labor-intensive act of burial, let alone the deceased’s spouse herself. “Honestly, what the fuck is the plan here? This goddamn moron’s just going to leave her husband’s coffin in an unfilled hole with a small scattering of dirt on top? You’re his wife, dipshit. Pull your fucking weight. What, do you expect the rest of the mourners to bury him for you? Jesus Christ, there’s even a shovel sticking out of that dirt mound over there. Start scooping, ding-dong.” Observers added that they should have expected no better out of someone who showed up to a burial in a black veil rather than a more appropriate outfit like coveralls and a hard hat.
Man Not Going To Walk Faster Just Because Coworker Holding Open Critical Reactor’s Blast Door For Him #~# TONOPAH, AZ—Explaining that he wasn’t going to be pressured into rushing for the sake of a gesture, a local nuclear plant employee Kevin Rachlin confirmed Monday that he wasn’t going to walk faster just because his coworker was holding open the critical reactor’s blast door for him. “I’m not going to be forced into this charade of politeness just because someone’s holding a seven-ton steel door open for me,” said  Rachlin, sauntering towards his last hope to escape annihilation as red lights flashed and sirens blared, denoting a catastrophic meltdown. “I mean, what difference is a few seconds going to make, really? And now he’s motioning me to come faster, who does this asshole think he is? Just for that, I’m going to stop to tie my shoe, we’ll see how he likes that.” At press time, Rachlin was complaining about how rude it was to let the blast door slam in his face right before being vaporized. 
Report: You Going To Be Alone For Rest Of Your Life And The Reason Is You Refuse To Take A Bath #~# NEW  YORK—A report released Wednesday confirmed that you are going to be alone  for the rest of your life and the reason is you refuse to take a bath.  “You just don’t smell good—that’s the whole reason why things aren’t  working out for you romantically,” read the report in part, ruling out  other factors in your failure to find a suitable partner such as your  appearance, personality, or career in order to stress that this was  really all about your resistance to simply jumping in the tub and  sudsing up from time to time. “One bath per week. A little soap and  water. Is that really asking so much in exchange for finding true love?  Or maybe you’d rather spend the rest of your life with flies buzzing  around your head and people physically gagging at your odor. Did you know  they did that? Or maybe you just don’t care?” At press time, the report  added that if a little scrub-a-dub-dub scared you so much, maybe you  deserved to be alone.
New Bullet Approved For Use On Humans #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Saying the ammunition would soon be available over the counter, the FDA reportedly approved a new bullet Tuesday for use on humans. “Given their high level of effectiveness in our trials, we have decided to authorize these new bullets for human use,” said FDA commissioner Robert Califf, explaining that although there did appear to be some adverse effects in a few study participants, the agency ultimately decided to go ahead and greenlight the bullets anyway. “Right now, we are only issuing approval for those over 18 to take these bullets, but if subsequent testing shows these projectiles work on younger children as well, we reserve the right to expand access to these rounds of ammo.” At press time, consumer advocacy groups challenged the FDA by claiming that the bullets were not deadly enough to humans to be put on the market.
Report: Deepest, Sharpest Images Of Distant Universe Pale In Comparison To Lisa Frank Folder #~# WASHINGTON—A  report published Tuesday after the release of the inaugural photographs  from NASA’s James Webb Telescope found that the deepest, sharpest images  of the universe still pale in comparison to a Lisa Frank folder. “While  the Webb telescope’s imagery of nebulae and star clusters is  technically impressive, it cannot begin to compare to Lisa  Frank’s colorful folders, especially one with pink-and-purple dolphins  forming a heart in front of a rainbow sunset,” read the report in part,  emphasizing that when held up against high-definition infrared  photographs shedding light on the farthest reaches of space, the Lisa  Frank folder stands out for its adorable puppies and plentiful use of  real glitter. “You would get bored staring at the Webb images after about five seconds, but you could look at the cuddly bunnies, fawns, and ducklings on the Lisa Frank folder forever. Plus, the unicorn is super cute.” The report concluded that there was also really no contest when measured in terms of which images would make you look cooler in front of your third-grade classmates.
Weed Killer Chemical Tied To Cancer Found In 80% Of U.S. Urine Samples #~# A new CDC report has found that more than 80% of urine samples taken from 2,310 children and adults contained glyphosate, a weed-killing chemical found in herbicides around the world that has been linked to cancer. What do you think?
Elon Musk Tries To Back Out Of Twitter Deal By Deleting App From Phone #~# AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to back out of the $44 billion offer to buy the social media company, Elon Musk reportedly deleted the Twitter app from his phone on Tuesday. “God, this whole thing has turned into such a nightmare—it’s time to end this mess once and for all,” said the 51-year-old Tesla CEO, who slowly pressed his thumb over the app’s icon and nodded with satisfaction as he erased his connection to the company forever. “There we go, that should do it. Now that’s a loophole none of Twitter’s lawyers saw coming. Who owes who $1 billion now? I’ll restart my phone too, just to be sure.” At press time, a confused Musk had reached out to his engineers to ask what was the difference between deleting and removing an app from his home screen.
Amazon Supervisor Delivers Rousing Speech To Employees About Honorably Laying Down Lives For Prime Day #~# THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Applauding workers for making the ultimate sacrifice, Amazon supervisor Todd Clark delivered a rousing speech to employees Tuesday about honorably laying down their lives for Prime Day. “Though your body may perish on your delivery route, your passing will ensure that the legacy of Prime Day lives on forever,” said Clark, who promised the warehouse staff that in death they would be heralded as martyrs for ensuring the orders of air fryers, leggings, and Alexas were fulfilled in a timely manner. “We shall deliver on the beaches, we shall deliver in the fields and in the streets, we shall deliver in the hills; we shall never delay shipment. From your ashes, Amazon will grow. Glory be to Bezos, and may God help you all.” At press time, Amazon management was actively covering up several employee deaths.
Sotheby’s Auctions Off Date With T. Rex Skeleton #~# NEW YORK—Informing the bustling crowd it was time to bid on the night’s big-ticket item, Sotheby’s officials announced Tuesday the auctioning off of a rare date with a T. rex skeleton. “Up next, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, one fabulous night for two out on the town with this handsome, enchanting—and might I add, single—T. rex skeleton,” said the auctioneer, gesturing to the 10-foot-tall, 32-foot-long theropod remains, adding that the late Cretaceous period bachelor was “a western North American native who prefers quiet romantic evenings in with a certain special someone,” which sparked a record-breaking bidding war among several wealthy suitors who were fanning themselves with their auction paddles. “This is the first specimen of its kind available for private entertainment, which includes a bouquet of 300 romantic red roses, a candlelit dinner at Jean-Georges, and a vintage bottle of Dom Pérignon to enjoy with the skeleton of this rare species of dinosaur on an intimate carriage ride through Central Park. A sizable theropod and perfect gentleman, this T. rex will make sure you have a night to remember. While you can expect plenty of scintillating conversation and, if you play your cards right, perhaps a slow dance or two, we must remind our lucky winner that this evening will be rated PG for the safety of all involved.” At press time, the T. rex had been auctioned off to the same wealthy woman who last purchased a $5.1 million private concert by Picasso’s “The Old Guitarist.”
Nashville Hot Dog Eatery Offering Free Milkshake With Proof Of Vasectomy #~# A Nashville hot dog eatery is offering customers a free milkshake for showing a doctor’s note as proof of having had a vasectomy in a promotion inspired by the overturning of Roe v. Wade and offered as an incentive for having the birth control procedure. What do you think?
Lazy Bird Watcher Would Rather Just Watch Bird He’s Already Seen #~# PEABODY, MA—Admitting that he just wasn’t feeling that adventurous these days, lazy bird watcher Mark Edgar told reporters Tuesday that he’d rather just watch a bird that he’s already seen. “Sure, I get that I should check out some bird I’ve never seen before, maybe one of those birds everyone is talking about like the Kirtland’s warbler, but honestly, I’d rather just chill out and watch a cardinal,” said Edgar, adding that he didn’t think he had enough energy to delve into learning about a bunch of new plumages and birdsong right now. “I’ve watched the black-capped chickadee and the dark-eyed junco probably 100 times by now, but what can I say? Those are my favorites, and watching them never gets old. So what if I can mouth along with every chirp? Honestly, I don’t care if people say that the dark-eyed junco is mediocre and I’m wasting my time by watching it over and over. And, look, I appreciate that people recommend new birds to me that they think I would like, and I know I probably would really get into the Bohemian waxwing if I ever get around to watching it, but most of the time I just want to veg out with something familiar. Sometimes you just don’t have the energy to watch one of those complicated prestige birds, you know? Sometimes a cardinal will do just fine.” Edgar also attributed his desire to just keep watching birds he’s already seen to being overwhelmed that they keep making so many new ones. 
Uber Eats Adds Feature Letting User Purposely Order Wrong Item So They Can Scream At Driver #~# SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Finally implementing a prototype that customers have been requesting for years, Uber Eats added a new feature Tuesday that lets users purposely order wrong items so they can scream at delivery drivers. “People need to blow off steam after a long day at the office, and we’ve developed tech that allows you to do just that without negatively impacting anyone important,” said Pierre-Dimitri Gore-Coty, senior vice president of delivery at Uber, who performed a demonstration that successfully reduced an independent contractor to tears. “Customer satisfaction is and always has been our number-one priority, and there’s no greater satisfaction than the sheer rush of power you get from seeing the look of utter shock on a 37-year-old immigrant’s face as you viciously lay into them about the obvious difference between sweet potato fries and regular fries. All you have to do is select the ‘wrong item’ box during checkout, and when the driver arrives, just proceed to go absolutely berserk on them by shrieking inches away from their face, ‘How fucking hard is it to get it right?!’ or ‘I don’t deserve this! I’m a goddamn paying customer!’ It’s a completely customizable experience, so feel free to mix it up.” At press time, Gore-Coty added you could also hurl the food at the driver’s windshield for a little razzle-dazzle.
Biden Considers Convening First-Ever Meeting Of His Cabinet #~# WASHINGTON—Exploring his options for responding to several crises mounting across the country, President Joe Biden  told reporters Tuesday that he was seriously considering the prospect of convening the first-ever meeting of his cabinet. “It’s a pretty drastic step, so you don’t want to do something like this unless you have a good reason, but I was thinking of inviting all the heads of the federal agencies down to the White House for a meeting to discuss where we’re headed as a country,” said Biden, adding that it would be nice to see Secretary of State Antony Blinken for the first time since his inauguration, and that it would be good for everyone to meet the secretary of health and human services, since he wasn’t sure who he or she was. “It’s been a while since I got elected, so I think it makes sense to do it now. We could probably start off with some meet-and-greets so that everyone gets a chance to say a little bit about themselves and what they’d like to accomplish in a Biden administration. Maybe some of them even have thoughts on how things have been going so far, which I would certainly be interested in hearing. Ultimately, though, I don’t want to force people to sit in a room just to sit in a room, and if it doesn’t feel like we’re going to have a productive cabinet meeting, we can probably just give it a rain check and meet some other time.” Biden added that along with his first cabinet meeting, he had recently begun mulling over the idea of calling a couple senators he hadn’t spoken to in a while to find out what was happening over in Congress.
Americans Explain Why They No Longer Trust The Supreme Court #~# Recent polls show that trust in the Supreme Court has continued to erode since Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization overturned a woman’s constitutional right to an abortion. The Onion asked Americans to explain why they have lost faith in the highest court in the land, and this is what they said.
Elon Musk Says He’s Terminating $44 Billion Deal To Buy Twitter #~# Elon Musk says he is terminating his $44 billion agreement to purchase Twitter, claiming failure to comply with the merger agreement, with Twitter now planning on taking legal action to enforce the deal. What do you think?
Insurance Company Swears They’ll Get The Next Round #~# BLOOMFIELD, CT—Urging their client to cover all of the expenses related to their medical condition just this one last time, insurance company Cigna reportedly swore Monday that they’ll definitely get the next round. “Listen, if you grab this one, we’ll pick up the next bill for sure,” said an official from the Fortune 500 company, claiming they were just a little strapped for cash at the moment but expected things to turn around any day now, when they’d happily splurge on any and all medical debt that arises. “You get this MRI, and we’ll get you back next year when it’s time for a mammogram, most likely—you just have to remind us, because you know how forgetful we are. But don’t freak out if we don’t respond right away, we’re really busy for the next few months. Come on, you know we’re good for it—we’ve known each other how many years now?” A Cigna representative assured the client it would definitely all even out over time. 
Pros And Cons Of ‘Buy Now, Pay Later’ Apps #~# Services like Affirm and Afterpay that offer the ability to buy products now and pay for them later are becoming increasingly popular, with one study finding that over half of consumers have used one, but critics warn that many users don’t understand the potential consequences. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of “buy now, pay later” apps.
Men Discuss How Abortions Have Affected Them #~# “Ruined my chance to drop out of college to work a minimum-wage job so I could barely be able to support a family.”
Hit Man Feels More Motivated To Kill If He Can Cross Names Off List When He’s Done #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that he liked to break up big killing sprees into individual, easier-to-manage murders, local hit man Dan Horn told reporters Monday that he always felt more motivated to commit homicide when he made a to-do list and crossed off each name when the job was done. “Having that piece of paper in my pocket with all the targets on it and scratching them out one-by-one not only helps me stay organized, it keeps me energized throughout my day,” said the highly regarded covert assassin, admitting that even though it was kind of cheating, he would often start his morning by writing down the name of someone he had already killed, just so he could have the satisfaction of crossing it off. “Sometimes, when it feels like I’m not getting much done, it helps to look down at my checklist and see all the intelligence operatives and foreign dignitaries I’ve taken out. That little measure of how much progress I’ve made—slipping polonium-210 into this guy’s drink, or hitting that other guy from 900 yards away with my Remington Modular Sniper Rifle—makes a big difference when it comes to meeting all my goals. Plus, if I don’t write down the name of that head of state, I know I’m going to forget to break into the executive mansion and smother him with a pillow. I just know I will!” At press time, Horn had reportedly acquired a pack of multicolored gel pens and was color-coding his targets according to which weapon he planned to use on them.
Tucker Carlson Blames Mass Shootings On Women Lecturing Men About Privilege #~# Fox News host Tucker Carlson claimed that one contributing factor in young men committing mass shootings is women “lecturing” men about “their so-called privilege,” which he says leads to an “unhealthier, unhappier life” for men. What do you think?
Man Using La Quinta Business Center Must Be High-Level Corporate Executive In Town To Close Major Deal #~# COLUMBUS, IN—Saying he must be involved in some sort of high-stakes negotiations over the terms of a sale worth billions of dollars, hotel sources told reporters Monday that the unidentified man using the La Quinta business center must be a top-ranking corporate executive in town to close a major deal. “He’s been in there for about an hour, probably hammering out the final details of a bid to take over a rival company or acquire a hot new start-up,” said hotel guest Vickie Driscoll, adding that the man, presumed to be a hard-charging dealmaker who must have  arrived in rural Indiana by private jet, had taken at least one phone call and was clicking around a lot on the circa-2015 desktop computer located in a small room near the snack machines. “He’s keeping it remarkably cool, though, wearing shorts and a polo shirt and playing a game of Yahoo Poker in the background while he is also, I assume, poring over asset valuations and winning the last-minute support of key shareholders. But tomorrow morning I’m sure we’ll see him in a three-piece suit grabbing his free continental breakfast in the lobby before a limo whisks him away to a Fortune 500 company’s headquarters in a fancy high-rise somewhere.” At press time, sources confirmed the laser-jet printer in the business center had jammed while the powerful executive was using it, which almost certainly meant a La Quinta shift manager’s head was going to roll. 
Bored Baby Wishes It Had Something To Choke On #~# BELLEVUE, WA—Complaining that he had been stuck in his playroom all morning with nothing small to grab, bored infant Oliver Roland confirmed Monday that he wished he had something to choke on. “God, I would kill for a penny right now,” said Roland, who had attempted to choke himself on his own fist three or four times before abandoning the fruitless attempt with great frustration. “Not a paper clip, marble, or Lifesaver in sight. It’s snooze city in here. I could try chewing on this end table, but I can already tell it’s just too big. And there’s a piece of lint there, but that’s obviously not going to block my windpipe. Damn, this sucks. There’s got to be a broken crayon in here somewhere.” At press time, Roland had reportedly settled on rolling over and suffocating on the carpet.
Boris Johnson Resigns After Party Mutiny #~# Boris Johnson announced his resignation after more than 50 conservative lawmakers stepped down in protest, saying the prime minister was no longer fit to lead the country due to a series of scandals, the latest surrounding sexual misconduct by a deputy chief whip he promoted. What do you think?
Understanding How The January 6 Riot Unfolded #~# Testimonies given to the House committee investigating the January 6, 2021 Capitol riot have brought new information to light about what happened that day, including the involvement of then-President Donald Trump. The Onion offers a graphical primer to understanding how the January 6 riot unfolded.
Report: More Young Americans Achieving Homeownership By Changing Locks On Airbnb #~# SAN FRANCISCO—According to a new report released Friday by the National Association of Realtors, more young American adults are becoming homeowners by renting a house or apartment on Airbnb and then changing the locks. “Though millennials had to endure the Great Recession and are now faced with soaring housing costs, many have found they can still own their own home by booking temporary lodging online and then hiring a locksmith who doesn’t ask any questions,” said real estate broker Betty Rapien, describing how the generation now in its late 20s and 30s is forgoing traditional avenues of homeownership and taking the more modern approach of moving all their stuff into an Airbnb and simply ignoring anyone who bangs on the door asking them to leave. “Though prices are high and mortgage rates are rising, young adults are finding that with just a little planning and resourcefulness, they can save up enough cash to cover one night in a vacation rental plus the $300 or so needed to rekey the doors to their new home. Considering how many beautiful houses on Vrbo and Airbnb can be accessed for as little as $150, it’s really a taker’s market right now.” Rapien, 35, added that once she paid off her student loans, she herself hoped to scrape together the $700 needed to move her family into a Victorian townhouse in San Francisco’s Mission District.
Shinzo Abe Assassination Prompts Americans To Wonder What It Would Be Like If Someone Got Shot In U.S. #~# WASHINGTON—Stunned by the assassination of former Japanese leader Shinzo Abe, millions of Americans were reportedly left wondering Friday what it would be like if someone got shot in the United States. “I just don’t know if we could take it psychologically if somebody, anybody was killed with a gun,” said 47-year-old Elisabeth Gracia of Fresno, CA, who added that she shuddered at the mere thought of the debilitating  emotional anguish that would grip the nation in the event one of its own citizens was gunned down in such a senseless act. “If someone can be shot and killed in Japan, what’s stopping someone from getting shot and killed here? I know it’s important not to play out these hypotheticals, but it really does send a chill down your spine. God, I’m just glad I don’t live there.” At press time, the nation confirmed it was overcome with dread after realizing there could be dozens of guns out there that could be used in a deadly capacity. 
Skeptical Doctor Asks Woman Flattened By Steamroller To Rate Pain #~# DETROIT—In an effort to determine if she was overreacting to her injuries, skeptical physician Wayne Mahomes asked his patient Megan Wensberg, who was flattened by a steamroller this week, to rate her pain. “Now, realistically, on a scale of one to 10, with one being no pain and 10 being the worst pain possible, what would you say your pain level is from being pancaked by a 15-ton piece of machinery?” said Mahomes, explaining that the injuries the woman sustained from being crushed under the giant metal roller going  over her body at 8 miles per hour would probably be more of a tolerable “comes and goes” kind of pain, rather than a constant, throbbing agony. “To be honest, you don’t look that flat to me, so a great deal of the pain you’re experiencing could just be from the waning shock of having every organ and bone in your body smashed against the asphalt. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were back to normal after a few days of rest and decompressing.” Mahomes added that he could prescribe Wensberg extra-strength Tylenol for the pain, but expressed concerns that the medication might cause stomach cramps.
Local Mom Wants Just One Nice Vacation Photo Where Family Isn’t Running From Gunfire #~# RIDGELAND, MS—Frustrated by the “weird faces” her children always made whenever they spotted a mass shooter, local mother Jennifer Church told reporters Friday that she wanted just one nice vacation photo where the family was not running from gunfire. “One nice picture with everybody smiling and looking at the camera rather than frantically looking around for a place to hide—is that too much for a mom to ask?” said Church, who shook her head and groaned as she recalled the latest  photo the family had posed for in which her youngest daughter’s eyes were closed from searing pain and her oldest son was slumped over clutching his abdomen. “I would just love a nice family portrait where everyone is wearing something nice and there aren’t any visible wounds. We got really close on our California trip last year, but then Danny had to break into a sprint after a man opened fire. Oh great, not again—Mason, stop bleeding!” At press time, Church had reportedly resigned herself to the fact that the family would have to wait until their first international trip. 
Canadians React To American Gun Laws #~# “I’m for whatever leads to fewer Americans.”
Sharpie Introduces New Pens For Making Subtle Mark On Bottle To Check If Sober Boyfriend Drinking Again #~# ATLANTA—In what the company is touting as the first writing implement of its kind, permanent marker brand Sharpie introduced a new line of pens Friday designed specifically for making a subtle mark on a bottle of alcohol to determine if your supposedly sober boyfriend is drinking again. “Offering the ultimate in faint, barely visible line-making, the marks from this fine-tip pen will go unnoticed by any recovering alcoholic, especially if his vision is blurred,” said Sharpie spokesperson Denise Fernandez, demonstrating the product on several three-quarters-full bottles of gin, bourbon, and tequila to show how the wide range of hues that come in the pack blend in seamlessly with all varieties and colors of liquor. “As you can see, they make a very light mark that only you will know is there, offering you either peace of mind or, should the liquid dip below the line, the ammunition you need to prove he’s been lying to you for the past four years. It’s perfect for use on glass and—in the event your partner has reached the point where he’s just drinking the cheapest stuff available—plastic, too. It’s also smudge-resistant, even when his sweaty palms have been wrapped around the bottle, which means you can count on the line being intact when you shove the half-empty bottle in his face and say, ‘Fuck you! Fuck you, Jason! I’ve stuck by you through everything, given you the best years of my life, and this—this is what I get in return? Fuck you.’” Fernandez went on to say that Sharpie would soon be rolling out a similar line of markers for those who want to mark a block of cheese they believe their roommate has been slowly consuming.
Worker Accidentally Paid 300 Times His Salary Disappears With Money #~# A dispatch assistant at a cold meats manufacturer in Chile submitted his resignation and could not be found after his job accidentally paid him about 330 times his salary because of a payroll error, the man receiving $180,418 instead of his monthly $545 paycheck. What do you think?
Nation’s Overweight Bullies Announce Plan To Sit On You #~# JACKSON, MS—Urging every American to stay still and quit squirming, the nation’s overweight bullies announced Friday their plan to sit on you. “Rest assured, we will chase you down very slowly, we will throw you onto the blacktop, and we will take a seat on you,” said Jason Evans, speaking on behalf of the country’s portly oppressors, claiming that no one would be able to hear your cries for help because you would be muffled underneath his large ass. “We will sit on you so hard that you throw up. It will make us feel powerful to plop our chubby selves on top of your wriggling body, bouncing up and down with glee. No matter how many times you cry ‘get off’ or ‘that hurts,’ we will not move.” The nation’s overweight bullies added that they would continue sitting on you until they finished their candy bar.
‘Dilbert’ Creator Suggests Killing Your Son If He’s A Danger To Others #~# Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comics, is receiving serious backlash for his tweet suggesting that a parent should kill their own son if he is “a danger to himself and others,” claiming the only other option is to watch people die. What do you think?
Travelers React To Nationwide Flight Cancellations #~# Staff shortages at airlines, weather delays, and a spike in holiday travel have left many travelers struggling to take long-overdue vacations and make visits home.  The Onion asked travelers how they felt about the nationwide delays, and this is what they said.
Must-Read Reflections On The Battle Over Trans Rights #~# Over the past several months, the rights and acceptance of transgender and gender-nonconforming people have increasingly been the subject of both legal challenges and heated public debate. The Onion sifts through the many essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile reflections on the battle over trans rights.
Woman Always Wears Fake Wedding Dress To Bar To Deter Unwanted Advances #~# ANDOVER, MA—Explaining that the only way she could get people to stop hitting on her was to pretend she was married, local woman Carla Watters told reporters Thursday she always wore a fake wedding dress to bars to deter unwanted advances. “Before, men would harass me constantly, but now that I can just flash them my long white ball gown, they get the message immediately,” said Watters, who added that it was extremely easy to go online and buy a convincing imitation wedding dress, veil, and detachable overskirt that she could slip on at a moments notice. “It’s great. The second they notice I’m wearing about 30 pounds of bridal couture complete with lace, corset, and a tiara, they apologize and tell me they had no idea I had a husband. Plus, it was so cheap compared to the real thing. It only cost me like $1,500.” At press time, Watters could not be reached for comment, as a man had cornered her and repeatedly assured her he didn’t care that she was currently being walked down the aisle.
Hangover Prevention Pill Goes On Sale In U.K. #~# A new hangover pill, Myrkl, that claims to help drinkers “wake up feeling refreshed” by accelerating the breakdown of alcohol in the gut before it reaches the liver if taken at least one hour before alcohol consumption, has launched in the U.K. What do you think?
American Airlines Introduces New Nonstop Flights Directly Into Side Of Mountain #~# FORT WORTH, TX—In response to skyrocketing consumer demand, American Airlines introduced new nonstop flights directly into the side of a mountain, sources confirmed Thursday. “Beginning this weekend, American Airlines customers will now be able to book convenient one-way trips that will transport them from over 30 U.S. airports into the broad side of a mountain in under two hours,” said American Airlines CEO Robert Isom in a press release unveiling the new destinations, which include Alaska’s Mount Denali, California’s Mount Whitney, Colorado’s Mount Elbert, North Carolina’s Mount Mitchell, and New Hampshire’s Mount Washington. “As consumer tastes change, American Airlines is committed to getting travelers to the places they most want to go, whether that’s heading to Hawaii to slam into the beautiful Mauna Kea, cruising straight for the Cascade Range, or soaring right into the Appalachians. We also encourage customers to upgrade to first class or business class should they want to fly into the side of a mountain a fraction of a second sooner. Passengers will also be happy to hear that these flights are specially outfitted for the trip, from the complete lack of oxygen masks to in-flight televisions that only play the news, so you can remain disgusted at everything right until the last second of your flight. Take the whole family!” Shortly after American Airlines unveiled its new service offerings, Southwest Airlines reportedly introduced a competing slate of flights from over two dozen airports that fly straight up into the sky and never come down.
World Bowling Championship Postponed After Lanes Already Reserved For 11th Birthday Party #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—Apologizing that athletes, fans, and coaches were forced to sit idle and watch 5th graders bowl, organizers of the World Bowling Championship announced Thursday that the event had been postponed after the lanes had been reserved for an 11th birthday party. “We are so sorry, but the World Bowling Championships can no longer occur as planned, as the bowling alley has been rented out that day for Trevor’s big birthday bash,” said organizer Pete Callahan, adding that bowling alley had mistakenly allowed Trevor’s mother to book the space for over two-dozen classmates, friends, and family members, which included exclusive use of all lanes, bowling balls, shoe rentals, and the party room for pizza and ice cream cake. “While we tried everything in our power to move Trevor’s birthday party, unfortunately, Trevor’s mother had already put down the $500 deposit, and purchased bowling themed birthday hats, paper plates, as well as an hour of astro bowling at night. At this point, all we can say is we’re sorry, and we hope that you have a happy birthday, Trevor.” At press time, the World Bowling Championships announced that if anyone was interested, officials had reserved a 45-minute laser tag session for participants to play instead.
Study Finds Link Between Loneliness, Being Stuck Halfway Down Dark Tube Of A Waterslide #~# BALTIMORE—In landmark research into what may be a root cause of emotional distress, a new study published Thursday in the The American Journal Of Psychology found a link between intense feelings of loneliness and currently being stuck halfway down the dark tube of a waterslide. “Our decade-long study found that across all demographic groups, the tendency to feel isolated was strongly correlated with a person getting their inner tube wedged in a section of tunnel where it was very dark,” said study author Malcolm Briggs of Johns Hopkins University, adding that subjects’ feelings of abandonment rose significantly when they had been trapped in the tube long enough for their fingers to begin to prune. “From what we can discern, these individuals experience a lack of connection to their fellow human beings when they are splayed on their back in an enclosed pipe and the rush of water has begun to drown everything but the sound of their own screams. Though our research does not establish a direct causal relationship, we can confirm the condition was quickly reversed when dislodged subjects reached the end of the tube and plummeted into the landing pool.” Briggs went on to state that those stuck in waterslides and feeling lonely should know that they aren’t alone and that there are lot of people out there ready to speed down the tunnel and slam into them with their full body weight. 
America’s Housing Crisis, By The Numbers #~# Rising rents, soaring home prices, and increasing homelessness have created a full-blown crisis in American housing, one with no easy solution. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures that demonstrate the scope of America’s housing crisis.
California To Become First State To Provide Free Healthcare For Undocumented Residents #~# California will become the first state to guarantee free healthcare for all low-income undocumented immigrants living in the country, a move that will provide coverage for an additional 764,000 people at an eventual cost of about $2.7 billion a year. What do you think?
Barack Obama Asks America To Stop Trying To Contact Him #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that he was no longer the nation’s head of state and that he believed it was important to establish appropriate boundaries, former President Barack Obama asked the United States of America to stop contacting him Wednesday. “Look, I’ve moved on with my life, and it’s time you moved on with yours,” said Obama, who later confided to reporters that he was doing his own thing now and felt happier since putting distance between himself and what he described as a toxic situation with a country whose attempts to reconnect with him were “just sad at this point.” “It’s been almost six years, and to be honest, I was pretty checked out by the end. I’m respectfully asking you to give me the same distance I’ve given you. While there are things I will always cherish about our time together, I don’t like hearing you say I was the best you’ve ever had. You need to learn how to figure things out on your own without me.” The 44th president then added that because he thought it was best America hear it from him first, he wanted the nation to know he had been spending more time with France.
Man Doesn’t Want To Be One Of Those Couples That Spends Time Together #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Saying he would hate to see them make the same mistake so many others in romantic relationships seemed to make, area man Sam Veitch explained Wednesday to his girlfriend, Sandra Rice, that he didn’t want to become one of those couples that spent time together. “You just see it so much—two people start dating, it gets serious, and then all of a sudden, they find themselves in each other’s company, sometimes for hours on end,” said Veitch, adding that he had watched his parents get caught in a tired pattern of being around each other and wanted to avoid such a pitfall in his own love life. “I think it comes from this naïve, storybook view of romance that says when you love someone, you’re supposed to do things like go to the movies, try out a new restaurant, have conversations, or just relax together. I’ve had a lot of friends who started spending time with their partners, and it’s really kind of sad. Some of them text or actually call each other on the phone. I mean, this is 2022. It’s time for healthy relationships to evolve beyond that.” When faced with pushback on the issue from Rice, Veitch patiently stated that if anything, not spending time with her had made him love her more.
Intramural Volleyball League Provides Woman With Opportunities To Feel Like Loser Outside Of Work #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Confirming the activity was a welcome pursuit after a long day at the office, local woman Kate Buxton told reporters Wednesday that the intramural volleyball league she belonged to had provided her with new opportunities to feel like a loser outside of work. “It’s nice, after several hours of meetings in which I’m completely overwhelmed and my boss is laying into me for things that aren’t my fault, to hit the beach and have this guy on my team scream at all of us every time we lose a point,” said the marketing associate, who joined the league last year in an effort to meet a group of creepy guys and hostile women separate from those she encountered at the office. “Having volleyball one night every week is a great way for me to feel bad about myself doing an activity that has nothing to do with work. It can be easy to get demoralized at the office when I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing and no one will give me any guidance, so meeting up with the volleyball crew lets me have no idea what I’m doing and get no guidance in a totally different way.” Buxton added that her favorite part about participating in the intramural volleyball league was how it offered her a totally different place to cry.
Man Buys Sword In Case He Ever Needs A Sword #~# DENTON, TX—Stating that a person never knows when they’ll need a sword, area man Stanley Castillo told reporters Wednesday that he recently bought a sword in case he ever needs a sword. “You don’t want to be caught without a sword when you need a sword, which is why I bought this sword,” said Castillo, explaining that he noticed the sword on a display rack at a local sword retailer and realized the sword would come in handy if he should find himself in a situation that called for a sword. “I heard a story about a guy who needed a sword but didn’t have a sword, and hoo boy, let me tell you—it did not end well for the swordless guy. In fact, the more I think about it, I should probably go out and buy a second sword just in case I ever need two swords.” At press time, witnesses confirmed Castillo had been killed in a sword fight.
Pregnant Woman Wishes People Would Ask Before Touching Breasts #~# DAYTON, OH—Frustrated with how overly familiar strangers could be, local pregnant woman Laura Murray said Wednesday that she wished people would ask before touching her breasts. “I know it’s exciting to see a pregnant woman walk into a room with big bulging tits, but I wish people would at least ask before manhandling them,” Murray told reporters, explaining that strangers often had zero regard for her personal space when they approached her, grabbed her breasts with both hands, and said, “Looks like you’re about to pop!” “Of course, I’d say yes if they asked. I honestly kind of enjoy the attention. But that doesn’t mean you can just come up and pat my swollen milkers.” At press time, Murray was seen rolling her eyes after a random man at a coffee shop pressed his ear against her chest without asking in an attempt to hear the breast milk sloshing.
Large Mass Of Used Wet Wipes Forms ‘Island’ In Thames River #~# A huge mass of used wet wipes flushed down toilets has formed an “island” the size of two tennis courts in the Thames in London, causing the river as it flows through the city to change course. What do you think?
Minnesota ‘Accidentally’ Legalizes THC Edibles #~# Minnesota passed a bill legalizing hemp-derived THC edibles and beverages for people 21 and over, with some Republican lawmakers saying later they misunderstood the bill and thought it only applied to milder, delta-8 THC products, which are already allowed under federal law. What do you think?
Violent Man Always Begs Wall For Forgiveness After Hitting It #~# BENTONVILLE, AR—In a toxic cycle of physical abuse that is said to have persisted for years, sources reported Tuesday that violent local man Phil Darnip always begged for his wall’s forgiveness after hitting it. “Baby, I’m so sorry, I’ll never do it again, I promise,” Darnip said after a recent domestic incident with his living room wall, which he has on many occasions struck so hard that a picture had to be hung on it to hide evidence of the damage. “You know I love you, right, honey? In fact, that’s why I lose my temper sometimes, because I care about you so much  it makes me crazy. Can’t you see I’m crazy for you? Now let’s make sure I don’t get upset like that again, because right now my hand really, really hurts.” At press time, Darnip had posted to Instagram a photo of himself and the wall in happier times, writing in the caption that they would always stick together through the good and the bad, no matter what happened.
Poll Finds Americans Would Endure At Least 150 Million Dead In Exchange For Cheaper Burrito Bowls #~# WASHINGTON—In a finding that sheds light on the nationwide response to the ongoing inflation crisis, a Gallup poll released Tuesday revealed that Americans would endure at least 150 million dead in exchange for cheaper burrito bowls. “Yeah, it’s not a great outcome, but a lot of people die from stuff every day, so I’d accept it if that’s what’s needed to take, say, 20 cents off that extra scoop of guac,” said Dubuque, IA resident Jason Schreiner, 36, one of thousands of respondents who admitted they would be fine with nearly half of the country dying in the immediate future in return for a little bigger base of brown rice and a more generous handful of cheese in their bowls. “Nobody is saying they want to see the country’s streets filled with the corpses of Americans. But if we’re seriously talking about a $6 burrito bowl, I’d actually be okay with 200 million dead.” The poll also found that most Americans hoped none of their close family or friends would die to make the burrito bowls cheaper, but that if they did, they were sure they’d be okay with it given the state of the economy.
Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose Abortions #~# The recent Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization decision to  overturn Roe v. Wade has shed light on a stark partisan divide on a  woman’s right to choose. Here are what conservatives across the country  are saying about why they oppose abortion rights.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# HIGHLAND PARK, IL—In the hours following a violent rampage in which a lone attacker killed at least six individuals and injured more than two dozen at a Fourth of July parade,  citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass  killing  routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no  way to  prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible  tragedy,  but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing  anyone can do  to stop them,” said North Carolina resident Faye Perkins,  echoing sentiments  expressed by tens of millions of individuals who  reside in a nation  where over half of the world’s deadliest mass  shootings have occurred in  the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20  times more likely to die of  gun violence than those of other developed  nations. “It’s a shame, but  what can we do? There really wasn’t  anything that was going to keep shooters like this from snapping and  killing a lot of people if that’s what  they really wanted.” At press  time, residents of the only economically  advanced nation in the world  where roughly two mass shootings have  occurred every month for the past  eight years were referring to  themselves and their situation as  “helpless.”
4th Of July Potluck Guests Asked To Bring Something Everyone Can Blow Up #~# LANCASTER, PA—In an effort to ensure the Fourth of July event ran smoothly, local woman Stephen Lien reportedly requested Monday that guests attending the potluck he was hosting bring something that everyone could blow up. “Whether it’s a entire sheet cake or a pack of plastic cups, it’d be great if everyone pitched in so we all have enough to explode,” said Lien, who noted that while he and his wife had run to Costco the week before to stock up on firecrackers, guests were still free to bring explosive materials of their own if they wanted something other than M-80s or M-100s. “We already have plenty of lawn chairs, so we’re all good on that. Don’t overthink it if you don’t know what to bring. An extra cooler might be nice. You don’t have to bring anything fancy or homemade; even a bucket of drive-thru fried chicken would be super.” At press time, Lien added he would appreciate it if anyone was willing to volunteer to stick around afterward to help put out the fires. 
CEOs Explain How They Will Protect Abortion Rights #~# “Any employee in our red state distribution facilities will be given up to five minutes to cross state lines and find the nearest abortion provider before returning to work.”
America Celebrates Independence Day #~# The Fourth of July marks our independence as a nation. How are you celebrating?
Friend Who Grew Up Wealthy Wouldn’t Last One Day As Upper Middle Class #~# CHICAGO—Expressing both disgust with and envy of the woman’s advantageous upbringing, local 27-year-old Sierra Berg told reporters Monday that wealthy friend Andrea Lockwood would not last one day as upper middle class. “Growing up, she went to some ritzy private high school that cost $60,000 a year—that’s almost as much as my parents paid for my entire undergraduate tuition,” said Berg, who griped that her privileged friend would have been “eaten alive” at the public high school she attended, which was located in one of the top-ranked school districts in Illinois. “Imagine having enough money that you got to see Europe as a child. Meanwhile, the farthest my parents ever took me was Cancún. And we didn’t even have a house there! All I’m saying is that it must be nice. Does she even know what it’s like to have to share a bathroom with your sister?” At press time, Berg had accused her friend of “slumming” after Lockwood posted a photo of herself on social media shopping at Whole Foods.
Man Thought Guests Would Be More Impressed He Got Couch For Free #~# NEW YORK—Waiting expectantly for his friends to shower him in admiration, local man Eric Banks reportedly thought his guests would be more impressed with the fact that he got his couch for free, apartment sources confirmed Monday. “I told them I got it off the street, and they just kind of nodded and started talking about something else,” said a dejected Banks, who had planned on fielding at least a dozen follow-up questions about where and how he secured such a fantastic couch completely free of charge, and had even kept smelling salts on hand in the event a guest should become so overwhelmed by his good fortune that they immediately fainted. “I expected to be met with complete shock, maybe even a ‘no way’ or two. At least feign some happiness for me, that I found a really great couch—with only a few stains, which don’t look like anything too gross—for literally zero dollars. They didn’t even want to hear about how it didn’t have any bedbugs, or how the former owner threw in this free broken lamp. They must be jealous or something.” At press time, Banks was reportedly struggling to fill the 10 minutes he had set aside to receive a standing ovation.
Pharmacist Denies Woman Birth Control Pills On Grounds That He’s Her Son From Future #~# HOT SPRINGS, AR—Shocked by the healthcare professional’s refusal to fill  her prescription, local woman Claire Murphy was reportedly denied birth control pills Tuesday on the grounds that the pharmacist was her son from the future. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but for moral and ethical reasons, I cannot give you a prescription that would prevent me from being born,” said the pharmacist, who claimed that today was the date of his conception, and therefore, in accordance with his rights under the law, he would not provide her with any contraceptives. “Listen, I’ve seen the multiverses where you take your Sprintec, and trust me, it’s not pretty. In fact, it’s hell. This may be difficult for you to wrap your head around, since you are still very young and have yet to conceive or birth me, but in the future I am the very powerful leader of a worldwide group of pharmacists. Any questions?” At press time, the pharmacist added that he and Murphy needed to have sex right now. 
CIA Agent Wishes He Could Brag About How Well Secret War With Bolivia Is Going #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming he wanted to shout their accomplishments from the hilltops, CIA agent Harvey Rose reportedly wished he could brag about how well America’s secret war with Bolivia was going, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I hate that it has to be so confidential, because I really want to boast about how we are absolutely destroying them,” said Rose, adding that the U.S.-trained guerrilla forces were destabilizing the region faster and more efficiently than expected, which he thought would be well-deserving of public praise if the agency weren’t trying to keep its military involvement off the record. “Whenever anyone asks how work’s going, I want to tell them all about the success we’ve had bribing officials and installing spies in top leadership circles, but I have to bite my tongue and just say, ‘It’s fine.’ The natural resources we’re stealing from the country would certainly be worth writing home about, but unfortunately, we probably won’t get any credit until decades from now when it’s revealed in some leaked dossier.” Rose admitted it was a small consolation that the Bolivian people were well aware of their impressive efforts.
Skip Bayless Reminds Viewers Gas Never Hit $5 Per Gallon During Michael Jordan’s Era #~# LOS ANGELES—Declaring that fans would “never again” see a comparable player or prices, Skip Bayless reminded viewers Monday that gas never hit $5 per gallon during the Michael Jordan era. “When Jordan captured his first title, you could fill up your entire car for $19—I’m talking the entire tank for under 20 bucks,” said Bayless, who scoffed at co-host Shannon Sharpe’s assertion that he was completely overlooking the 1990 oil crisis that caused widespread sticker shock at the pumps following the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait. “$1.06 in 1998. Can you believe that? Back when Jordan was the most dominant player in the NBA, you could afford to fill up your entire tank of gas, and grab a snack for the road. Face the facts!” At press time, Bayless added he wouldn’t even consider placing Lebron James in his top five of all time considering the rising price of meat. 
Dog Can Immediately Tell Exactly How Man’s Previous Dog Liked To Be Touched #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Expressing that she wished the 48-year-old man would simply take the time to learn her petting preferences, local dog Pumpkin reported Monday that she could immediately tell exactly how her owner’s previous dog liked to be touched. “It’s not bad, but it’s just painfully obvious that he’s recycling scratching moves that he used for years on his old dog,” said Pumpkin, a 3-year-old long-haired Australian shepherd, adding that his former dog—a golden retriever named Noodles—clearly had a thing for getting her belly, ears, and paws rubbed. “I get it. Noodles liked to be brushed. Noodles liked to be bathed! And Noodles had a special type of kibble that made her go wild. But I’m a totally different dog with totally different proclivities. What about me? What about my needs?” At press time, Pumpkin had reportedly flown into a fit of rage and bit her owner after he accidentally called her the wrong name.
Men Rushing To Get Vasectomies After Supreme Court Overturns Roe v. Wade #~# Urologists say that men are rushing to get vasectomies in the wake of abortion bans in several states, with some clinics seeing a 300% to 400% spike in people looking to receive consultations for the reversible male sterilization procedure. What do you think?
What To Know About Cassidy Hutchinson And Her January 6 Testimony #~# Cassidy Hutchinson, an aide to then-President Trump’s chief of staff, Mark Meadows, testified this week before the House committee investigating the January 6 riots, offering new information about the actions of Trump and his inner circle that day. The Onion answers crucial questions about who Cassidy Hutchinson is and what she told the committee.
NASA Announces Plan To Put Moon On Mars By 2040 #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the ambitious new project would be a historic, once-in-a-generation leap forward in the annals of space exploration, NASA announced Friday its plan to put the moon on Mars by 2040. “Ever since we first sent a man to the moon half a century ago, the American people have been waiting for us to take the next step and send the moon to Mars,” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson, adding that within two decades, the famed image of Apollo 11 commander Neil Armstrong’s first footprint on the moon would be joined in the public consciousness by photos of the 1,500-mile-wide crater the moon was expected to leave on the Red Planet. “No space mission is without risks. The moon could descent too quickly and disintegrate on impact with the Martian surface, or it could, upon its return, fail to achieve the velocity needed to escape the gravity of Mars and make it back home to its orbit around the Earth. But should we succeed in our mission, it could open up many other opportunities for us, such as putting the Earth on Mars, putting Mars on Venus, and so on.” Nelson added that it might also one day be possible to build a colony on Mars that could be inhabited by hundreds of moons. 
New Documentary Footage Confirms Long-Held Theory That Flowers Hunt At Night #~# LOS ANGELES—In stunning footage that for the first time reveals the full range of the plant kingdom’s nocturnal behaviors, a new documentary released Friday has confirmed the long-held theory that flowers obtain their food by hunting at night. “We’ve always suspected that flowers stalk their prey when its dark and rest during the day, but this is the first physical proof we’ve seen,” said University of Southern California botanist Ian Bard, explaining that night-vision cameras used in the film Petaled Predators had captured a field of wildflowers trapping and then furiously feeding on a variety of common birds and small mammals. “In the documentary, a hungry bouquet of marigolds, wild roses, and bluebells—which we now know can reach speeds of up to 10 miles per hour—chases down a family of mice, the weakest of which is caught and completely skeletonized within 30 seconds. We also see the first-ever images of flowering plants using their stems to dig out animal burrows and using their thorns to attack prey, which they then kill and drag back to their home soil to feed to their newly sprouted young.” Bard added that while flowers were relatively harmless to humans, people should make sure to bring small pets inside at night in areas with a large floral population. 
Man Adamant He’d Be Better Political Prisoner Than Brittney Griner #~# HESPERIA, CA—Declaring there were just some areas in which men would always be superior to women, local man Ryan Neves adamantly told reporters Friday he would be a much better political prisoner than WNBA star Brittney Griner. “No offense to her, but if I were being held captive by a foreign government, I’d be better 10 times out of 10,” said Neves, adding that the basketball player’s detention in Russia since February on charges of possessing hashish oil “couldn’t hold a candle” to the kind of foreign arrest and imprisonment that he could pull off, given the chance. “It’s just a simple fact that a man is going to be a better political prisoner than a woman. That’s just basic biology. I’d need some time to train, obviously, but once they caught me, I would be taking beatings every day, I would be divulging U.S. secrets under torture, I would be doing press conferences where you could tell I was being coerced into saying I was fine… Sure, she’s good at being a political prisoner for a woman, but I bet I could get beheaded in four months, tops.” At press time, Neves was arguing with a fellow Twitter user that no woman would even crack any list of the top 100 political prisoners of all time.
Taco Bell Testing New Menu Items With Oversized Cheez-It #~# Taco Bell is testing new menu items, the Big Cheez-It Tostada and Big Cheez-It Crunch Wrap Supreme, which both feature an oversized Cheez-It cracker 16 times the size of a regular Cheez-It, in the hopes of replicating the success of the restaurant’s Dorito shells. What do you think?
Nation Unable To Enjoy Baseball Without Dozens Of Pitchers Hitting .124 #~# LEE’S SUMMIT, MO—Lamenting that it would never again be able to relish the game as it was intended, the nation reportedly admitted Friday that it was unable to enjoy baseball without dozens of pitchers hitting .124. “How am I supposed to find these games interesting without the ninth batter being some overmatched pitcher who swings and misses three straight times for an out?” asked former St. Louis Cardinals fan Jerry O’Shea, echoing complaints from millions of Americans across the country who no longer find baseball entertaining now that Major League Baseball’s new universal designated-hitter rule has ensured they will never see a pitcher grounding out to kill a rally ever again. “The most fascinating part about baseball was watching the pitcher have to trudge up there and execute the worst bunt you’ve ever seen, or take three pitches because his manager’s worried about him getting injured. I just can’t get excited about seeing two lineups go to plate if neither features a pitcher who bats in the low .100s and feebly fouls out to third. And don’t even get me started on how we’ve lost the complicated double switch substitutions that were confusing and slowed the game down—I might miss those most of all.” The nation added that the only thing keeping it even mildly interested in baseball was watching overweight catchers and first basemen run the bases really slowly.
Firefighter Disarmed Of Hose Grabs Squirt Gun From Ankle Holster #~# COOS BAY, OR—Stumbling backward as he lost his main weapon, then reaching for his pant leg, a firefighter disarmed of his hose grabbed a squirt gun from his ankle holster to continue battling the flames around him, sources confirmed Friday. “You thought you had me!” the quick-thinking firefighter was heard to yell as he rolled away from the five-alarm blaze that rapidly moved between him and his hose, placing it just out of his reach. He then reportedly grabbed a second water pistol wedged in a shoulder holster and began shooting both weapons at the fire. “You’re going down, you son of a bitch! I’m going to put you the fuck out!” Sources later reported seeing the firefighter on the third floor of a burning building, where he threw down his spent squirt guns and slowly circled the flames holding an icicle, ready for close combat.
Missouri School District Reinstates Paddling To Punish Students #~# A school district in southwestern Missouri is bringing back paddling to discipline students as an alternative to suspensions for those whose parents give permission, despite warnings from many public health experts that the practice is detrimental to students. What do you think?
Study: House Appraisals 40% Lower When Haunted By Black Ghosts #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a comprehensive analysis that confirms the stubborn persistence of racial bias within the U.S. housing market, a Harvard University study published Tuesday found that homes are appraised 40% lower on average when haunted by Black ghosts. “Realtors across the country confirm that property values in a neighborhood decline when a dead Black family moves in,” said Heidi Rausenbaum, a professor of urban planning and parapsychology who helped conduct the research, explaining that even when they do their best to accommodate white residents, potential buyers routinely report feeling “too creeped out” to purchase a home inhabited by African American poltergeists. “If there’s a dead Victorian-era white girl wandering the halls and making the walls bleed, a house will almost always have a higher valuation than it will if—when a home appraiser goes to the bathroom to splash water on their face—they look up to see the specter of a Black man with blood pouring out of his mouth.” Rausenbaum added that future studies would examine the phenomenon of white ghosts move into historically Black communities and pricing ghosts of color out of their homes and into purgatory.
A Look At The Class Of 2026 #~# At four-year colleges, the Class of 2026 is now entering its freshman year. The Onion looks at the most surprising, insightful, and significant facts about the Class of 2026.
Dinner Party Guests Make Awkward Small Talk About Host Being Murdered By Someone In This Very Room #~# EAST WINDSOR, CT—Stiffly asking if others had also been invited to the Victorian manor under mysterious circumstances, dinner party guests reportedly made awkward small talk Wednesday about how the host was murdered by someone in this very room. “Pretty weird how the lights momentarily cut out before flickering back on to reveal our host dead on the floor, huh?” said noted Professor Dr. Thaddeus Quimby, who strained to make conversation with a major general and a fashionable socialite whom he had nothing in common with outside of the fact that both had also received a cryptic invitation in the mail from a man they had never met who now lay motionless in a pool of blood at their feet. “It’s crazy how loud Countess Elizabeth screamed when she saw the body. Think she did it? Yeah, yeah, you’re right. It could be any of us. Totally, totally.” At press time, sources confirmed the dinner guests were silently staring at the clock while waiting for the eccentric detective from Europe to arrive.
Inmate Regrets Wearing Shorts To Execution After Feeling Thighs Stick To Electric Chair #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Groaning in disgust at the uncomfortable sensation, local inmate Thomas McLean reportedly regretted wearing shorts to his execution Wednesday after feeling his thighs stick to the electric chair. “Good God, I bet they never clean these things, either,” said the convicted murderer, who fidgeted in the seat of the electrocution device and grimaced as he tugged at the hems of his shorts in vain. “Ew, ew, ew—what was I thinking? No human being deserves this. I’ve been sitting here for like three hours, too. When are they going to get this over with? Christ, I’m so sweaty. Hopefully none of the witnesses are looking at my disgusting legs.” At press time, witnesses confirmed McLean was using his final words to beg the family members of his victim for their pants.
Everything You Need To Know About Amazon’s ‘The Lord Of The Rings: The Rings Of Power’ #~# On Friday, Sept. 2, Amazon will premiere a highly anticipated ‘Lord Of The Rings’ prequel set thousands of years before The Hobbit. Here’s everything you need to know about The Lord Of The Rings: The Rings Of Power.
Solar Power Investment Skyrockets Upon Discovery Of Massive Underground Deposit Of Sunlight #~# SAN RAMON, CA—U.S. investments in solar power reportedly skyrocketed Wednesday following the discovery of pure, unrefined sunbeams lying  several hundred feet beneath the Amazon rain forest. “Once considered a pipe dream, we’re now confident that solar power is the future of energy in the United States and the rest of the world,” said Michael Wirth, CEO of Chevron,  just one of the dozens of multinational oil and gas companies that confirmed it now plans to invest billions in the extraction, production, and refinement of solar energy in the Amazon. “We’re looking at what could soon grow into a $5 trillion industry globally. We’ll be building a pipeline so we can safely transport all of that 10,000-degree sunlight. And of course, we’ll also need to clear out some of the trees to get it it, but then we’ll be able to access all that good, clean energy.” At press time, sources reported the company was struggling to contain the effects of a sunlight spill that had caused 500,000 square miles of rain forest to burn to the ground. 
Guy On Nextdoor Asks Neighbors If They Interested In Joining Militia #~# OAK PARK, IL—Saying it could be a fun way for everyone to come together and help the neighborhood, local resident Jay Friedland posted on Nextdoor Wednesday inquiring if any local users were interested in joining a militia. “Hey, just putting feelers out there, but how many people would join up if I formed a violent extremist group to protect our own special interests?” asked Friedland, who went on to write that if anyone wanted to be part of his paramilitary force, he’d be out in his front yard Saturday morning  doing target practice, running obstacle courses, and making improvised explosive devices. “No pressure, but all are welcome to stop by and patrol the neighborhood in my heavily armored truck filled with weapons so we can finally impose that 7 p.m. curfew. Most races welcome. Also, there will be snacks!” At press time, Friedland had reportedly canceled the event and  posted a 600-word tirade on Nextdoor after a neighboring militia left bullet casings all over his lawn.
New Prevention Campaign Urges Public To Look Out For Early Signs Of Being Cut In Half By Samurai #~# BETHESDA, MD—Claiming a person could be bisected and find themselves toppling over onto the ground before they realized what had happened, a new prevention campaign unveiled Wednesday by the National Institutes of Health urged the public to be on lookout for early signs they may have been cut in half by a samurai. “Though it might not seem urgent right now, it is vital to perform routine checks to ensure you have not been sliced in two by a single stroke from a samurai’s longsword, also known as a katana,” said the agency’s associate director for public health Martina Stein, describing a few of the warning signs, such as angering a shogun or entering into ritualistic combat to prove one’s honor. “It’s essential to keep a watchful eye on the noble warrior’s curved, single-edged blade, because you may appear symptomless for several seconds before you even notice your torso starting to slide off your legs. There have actually been cases of unfortunate souls laughing in the samurai’s face, believing that the sword had missed them. But by then it was already too late.” Stein added that any who failed to heed this warning ran the risk of becoming a tormented spirit forced to play tricks on wandering samurai in the forest for all eternity.
Tigers Center Fielder Crashes Into Outfield Wall Just To Feel Something #~# DETROIT—Facing yet another crushing loss during a long season on one of the worst teams in baseball, Detroit Tigers center fielder Riley Greene told reporters this week that he crashed into the outfield wall just to feel something. “Did I need to run full-speed into the outfield wall when that ball was clearly a home run? No—I did it because nothing else works,” said Greene, adding that he had tried to alleviate his suffering through other means, including hard head-first slides and crashing into his teammates in the outfield, but everything he tried had left him still feeling numb. “It’s tough out here when we keep losing. I’m just miserable, and it doesn’t seem like there’s any hope that we’ll ever be good. So when I saw that outfield wall, I figured, hey, what do I have to lose? Maybe it’ll hurt, and I hope it does, because at this point, I honestly need to know that I’m still capable of feeling anything but this darkness.” At press time, Greene was in the batter’s box, crowding the plate in an effort to get hit with a pitch.
New York Stores Now Banning Sale Of Whipped Cream Canisters To People Under 21 #~# A New York state law has gone into effect banning the sale of whipped cream canisters to people under 21 to prevent teens from using the product to get high by inhaling the nitrous oxide found inside the canisters, also known as “whippits,” “whippets,” or “whip-its.” What do you think?
New Poll Reveals Smoking Marijuana More Popular Than Tobacco #~# A new poll found that, for the first time, marijuana use is more popular than tobacco with more Americans saying they smoke marijuana than those who reported smoking cigarettes in the last week. What do you think?
Noam Chomsky Finally Earns His GED #~# TUCSON, AZ—Demonstrating high-school-level academic proficiency after several failed attempts, nonagenarian intellectual Noam Chomsky told reporters Tuesday that he had finally earned his GED. “I am proud to announce that after decades of false starts and dashed dreams, I have received a passing score on the General Educational Development test,” said the 93-year-old linguist and author of Syntactic Structures, Manufacturing Consent, and more than two dozen books critical of capitalism and U.S. foreign policy, explaining that his decision to hire a tutor to help with his exam preparation had made all the difference. “When I was young, I never thought academics were all that important. I was more interested in sports and girls and stuff like that. But as I get older, I realize I need to secure my financial future, and this GED will help me do that. I just wish my parents had lived another half century so they could celebrate this moment with me.” Chomsky added that he had encouraged his younger colleague Steven Pinker to get an education too, saying he didn’t want the celebrated cognitive psychologist to look around one day and wonder where his 60s, 70s, and 80s had gone. 
Study: Majority Of Red States Not Walkable Enough To Accommodate Riots In The Streets #~# WASHINGTON—Citing various pedestrian hurdles including a lack of centralized roads, downtown areas, and  public transit, a new study published Tuesday found that the majority of red states were not walkable enough to accommodate riots in the streets. “Currently, due to massive urban sprawl and crumbling infrastructure, residents in Republican strongholds have repeatedly reported that they cannot effectively incite violent, uncontrollable riots,” said study author Dr. Debra Jackson, who added that major metro areas across Texas, Florida, South Carolina, Arkansas, and Indiana were simply too spread out for the average American to ransack, destroy, or set fire to property. “Not only do these areas lack walkable plazas, shopping centers, and downtown districts to throw rocks through, douse in gasoline, and burn to the ground, but there are also fewer resources to incite violence. How are residents supposed to break into their state’s capitol and kidnap their governor if they have to drive 40 minutes just to buy flags, balaclavas, torches, and rope? Plus, if they did, zero pedestrians would even be there to see it.” Dr. Jackson added that until red states could improve walkability, residents would have no choice but to keep traveling to blue states to ram their trucks into large crowds of people.
NASA Delays Artemis Launch After Rocket Gets Scared #~# MERRITT  ISLAND, FL—In a disappointing setback to the hotly anticipated unmanned  lunar mission, NASA announced Tuesday that it had delayed the Artemis  I launch after the rocket got scared. “Unfortunately, just moments  before launch, the rocket got a little spooked and needed to come down,”  said NASA administrator Bill Nelson, adding that the agency hoped to address  the confidence issue with a little pep talk about how brave the Space  Launch System rocket had been to attempt the flight at all. “Nobody  likes getting cold feet, especially when you’re already on the launchpad with all those people watching. Turning back at the last minute must  have been very embarrassing for the poor thing. But the rocket seems to  be doing fine now that we’ve calmed it down and explained several times  that it wasn’t going to blow up.” At press time, the SLS rocket had  reportedly agreed to try for a launch Friday if Nelson would go up  with it.
More MLB Teams Trying To Attract Younger Audience With Free Prostate Exam Day #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to expand their fan bases amid concerns about falling stadium attendance, more Major League Baseball teams are trying to attract younger audiences by offering free prostate exam days, sources reported Tuesday. “It’s no secret that we have to attract a younger audience, and we believe offering free prostate exams is the best way to get those more youthful 50- and 60-year-olds into our seats,” said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred, adding that free prostate exams were one of several new initiatives the league was exploring, along with half-off prunes and screenings for osteoporosis. “Free prostate exams are a great way to get that 58-year-old who’s never been to a ball game before interested in attending, and we hope that after receiving an internal examination of their rectum by our onsite healthcare workers, they’ll stick around to see what baseball is all about.” Manfred added that as part of their younger audience outreach, beginning in the 2023 season, most teams would also have a promotion where the first 10,000 fans would get a free adult diaper bearing their team’s logo.
Casting Director Can Tell That Child Actor Doesn’t Have The Abusive Parents It Takes To Make It In Entertainment #~# LOS ANGELES—Breaking the disappointing news as gently as he could, casting director Ray Ulrich told 9-year-old child actor Grayson Linford during an audition Tuesday that the boy simply didn’t have the abusive parents necessary to make it in the entertainment industry. “Sorry, kid, but showbiz is a tough racket, and I just don’t think your mom and dad have it in them to push you over the brink emotionally and give you a real shot at a career,” said Ulrich, adding that he could tell from Linford’s lack of puffy eyes that the child hadn’t been crying before the audition due to a scolding from his mother, and that he didn’t appear to have an eating disorder caused by constant pressure from his father to land a good-paying role in a TV commercial. “You’re obviously talented, and you’ve got a great singing voice. What you really need, though, are bruises and black eyes administered by domineering parents as punishment for flubbing a line during a callback, and I gotta be honest, I’m just not seeing that. If they’d started abusing you when you were 3 or 4, there might be something we could work with here, but at age 9 it’s pretty much impossible. For you to succeed as a child actor, your parents have to really, really, want it, and they have to go to work on you—hard—and never let up. That’s how kids make a name for themselves and a pile of cash for their parents.” Ulrich went on to say that if Linford was lucky, his parents might still be able to abuse him enough to allow him to continue acting recreationally in school plays and community theater. 
Parents Explain Why They Do Not Allow Their Children To Play Football #~# CTE has plagued many NFL athletes, and the effects can be devastating in children as well. The Onion asked several parents why they do not allow their kids to play football, and this is what they said.
Teen Boy Entering That Awkward Phase Where He A Fucking Pervert #~# READING, PA—Having finally begun a new chapter of his journey into manhood, teenage boy Dylan Rackham was reportedly entering that awkward phase this week where he’s a complete fucking pervert. “Dylan’s starting to notice the girls in his class and fantasize about all the depraved, potentially illegal sex shit he wants to do to them,” said Dylan’s father, Elias Rackham, who wistfully recalled having been a nasty little sex-obsessed weirdo himself when he was Dylan’s age. “It’s just a confusing, clumsy stage that boys go through where they’re so perpetually horned up they can’t really function as normal members of society anymore. My sweet Dylan’s going to be a bonafide sex pest to pretty much everyone around him while he stumbles down the bumpy road to maturity—hell, he’s probably going to try sticking it in a couple inanimate objects before the end of this thing. But however noxious his disgusting sexual appetites get, it shouldn’t be more than four or five years before this phase passes. It may end even sooner if his perversion lands him in some kind of court-ordered sex offender rehabilitation program. And no matter how creepy he gets or how many times he jerks off each day, he’ll always be my baby boy!” Dylan’s father added that while the teen would no doubt have questions about his newfound feelings, he could always turn to some of the foulest internet pornography imaginable for guidance.
Study: Psilocybin Mushrooms May Help Heavy Drinkers Quit #~# A double-blind randomized clinical trial has found that people with alcohol dependence who took psilocybin, a psychedelic compound in “magic mushrooms,” drank significantly less than those taking a placebo, with almost half stopping drinking alcohol altogether. What do you think?
New Google Privacy Settings Allows Users To Choose If Sundar Pichai Can Sleep Under Bed #~# PALO ALTO, CA—In a highly anticipated update designed to help control how data is collected, a new option on Google’s privacy settings released Tuesday allowed users to choose if Sundar Pichai can sleep under their bed. “Starting today, Google will allow everyone on its platform to either opt in or out of the option for CEO Sundar Pichai to go into their bedroom, crawl under their bed frame, and sleep on their floor for several hours,” said Alphabet spokesperson Jenna Handler, adding that once users deselect the option, the  tech mogul would immediately wake up, shimmy out, and then go to an approved user’s bedroom. “While the Sundar setting was originally defaulted to ‘on,’ we heard that users didn’t always feel comfortable going to bed while a pajama-clad man audibly snored, tossed, and turned beneath their mattress. However, keep in mind, your Google experience will always be improved if Sundar can sleep at least 8 hours under your bed. We highly recommend allowing it.” At press time, Google was under fire after failing to remove the default setting that allowed Pichai to accidentally walk in on users while they were using the bathroom.
Long Covid Keeping 2 To 4 million Americans Out Of Workforce, Report Says #~# According to a new report from the Brookings Institute, about 16 million working-age Americans have long-term Covid, and 2 to 4 million are out of work because of its ill effects that include brain fog, anxiety, depression, fatigue, and breathing problems. What do you think?
Gigantic L.A. Police Robot Rises From Ocean To Chase Homeless Child From Park #~# LOS ANGELES—In what city officials described as an ongoing effort to keep residents safe, witness confirmed a powerful tremor shook all of Southern California on Thursday as a gigantic Los Angeles Police Department robot rose from the sea to chase a homeless child away from a park. Uniformed officers were seen piloting the 300-foot-tall, titanium-armored mech, which climbed out of the ocean and sounded its deep, reverberating siren after sensors detected an unhoused 12-year-old sleeping on a park bench after hours. Onlookers said they panicked when the $8.6 billion law-enforcement vehicle—acquired by the LAPD for neighborhood safety patrols amid reports of rising crime—began to stomp in a straight line toward the child, crushing all cars and buildings in its path in order to expel the trespasser. According to sources, car alarms blared and dogs howled as the highly lethal 100-ton robot scanned L.A. streets and fired laser beams from its eyes to warn the frightened, food-insecure child that he was in violation of statutes pertaining to the park’s closing time. Appearing paralyzed with fear, the child was reportedly unable to vacate the premises before the robot swooped in with an LAPD tank, three helicopters, and dozens of squad cars to arrest the unaccompanied minor. At press time, sources confirmed the homeless child had been taken into custody after the giant robot vaporized the park and returned to the ocean, leaving 17 dead and at least 200 injured.
God Still Waiting For Humans To Discover Easter Egg Feature Hidden In Cows #~# THE HEAVENS—Excitedly checking in on Earth to see whether anyone had found His little surprise yet, God reported that as of Monday, He was still waiting for humans to discover the Easter egg feature He hid inside cows on the sixth day of creation. “Aw, man, considering how much beef humans consume, I really thought they’d have found it by now,” said the Almighty, All-Knowing Father, wondering aloud if He had perhaps made the bonus feature too difficult to uncover, since nearly 6,000 years had passed without anyone stumbling upon it, even by accident. “One guy in the third century A.D. got so close, I was up here on the edge of My throne, but he turned away at the last second and missed it. I told him about it a few years later when he got up here, and he lost his shit—couldn’t look at cows the same ever again. It’s super tempting to just point it out to everyone, but the payoff would be a lot more satisfying if humans discovered it themselves! It’s not just for die-hard fans of cows, by the way. Anyone who is familiar with the animal will totally get the reference and find it hilarious. Ah, I’m going to shut up now because I don’t want to spoil it.” God went on to add with a wink that, “Without saying too much,” if He were human, He would check behind the fourth stomach again.
BabyBjörn Introduces New Concealed Carry Ankle Infant Holster #~# SOLNA, SWEDEN—Responding to demand from American consumers, Swedish company BabyBjörn announced Monday it would begin marketing a concealed carry ankle infant holster in the United States. “Finally, parents can safely swaddle their babies in public without attracting the unwanted attention that comes from displaying one openly,” U.S. sales representative Morgan Handler said as she demonstrated to reporters the ease with which an infant could be retrieved from the covert carrier, adding that it would rest comfortably beneath any style of pant leg and was demonstrably safer than transporting a baby unsecured in a purse, pocket, or waistband. “The strap is made of a comfortable neoprene elastic that can support up to 12 pounds of pride and joy, and provides a flexible, stable fit for parents when they’re on the go or undercover. In the unfortunate event you need quick access to your infant, it can be unleashed at a moment’s notice. The inconspicuous nature, of course, does restrict the size of the baby that can safely be transported in the ankle holster, so it is only recommended for use with newborns, and as a back-up measure when any larger children you’re carrying may be compromised.” Handler went on to tease the development of a far less subtle assault-style carrier capable of arming parents with up to 100 babies at a time.
School District Waives Sex-Ed Curriculum For Students Who Look Like They Know What’s Up #~# BOSTON—In an attempt to reduce the workload on students who are often overburdened by homework and extracurricular activities, Boston Public Schools announced Monday that it would be waiving its sex-education requirement for students who look like they know what’s up. “In our district’s high schools, any incoming ninth-grader who appears to have already learned a thing or two will be excused from attending sex-ed classes,” said Superintendent Miranda Simmons, explaining that every year there’s a bunch of them where you just know they’ve gotten laid by this point and you aren’t going to be teaching them anything new. “We don’t want to waste anyone’s time here. If a student has obviously progressed well beyond the limits of our sexual health course on their own time, they shouldn’t be forced to sit through a class that doesn’t challenge or engage them. And from the perspective of the educator, let me just say it feels ridiculous teaching sex ed to teens when, based on their appearance and self-assured demeanor, it’s pretty clear they’re having more sex  than you are.” The superintendent added that any accelerated students who you could tell were really going at it would also qualify for a partial credit in physical education. 
Surgeon Tying Patient’s Tubes Salts And Curses Uterus For Good Measure #~# CLEVELAND—Stressing that it never hurt to cover your bases, local surgeon Dr. Alicia Harkins reportedly completed the procedure for tying a patient’s fallopian tubes Monday by salting and cursing the woman’s uterus for good measure. “Hear me, oh spirits! Grant that this uterus become entirely fallow and forever inhospitable to the seed of man,” said Harkins, who spat in detestation upon the once fertile spot and spread salt across it in which she then traced a pentagram inscribed into a circle, thus rendering the womb barren for eons hence. “No child shall grow from this blighted spot. Sperm will shrivel and blacken upon these accursed grounds. Humanum quis sustulit Verionis palliolum sive res illius, qui illius minus fecit, ut illius mentes, memorias deiectas sive mulierem sive eas, cuius Verionis res minus fecit, ut illius manus, caput, pedes vermes, cancer, vermitudo interet, membra medullas illius interet.” At press time, sources confirmed the physician had completed the baneful ritual by entering a hypnotic trance in which she told her patient to get plenty of rest and avoid strenuous exercise for the next few weeks. 
Americans Explain Why They Oppose Canceling Student Debt #~# Following President Joe Biden’s announcement on forgiving student debt, The Onion asked Americans across the country why they oppose the student loan relief plan.
Drought Reveals 113 Million-Year-Old Dinosaur Tracks In Texas #~# Dinosaur tracks from around 113 million years ago have been revealed in Texas due to severe drought conditions that dried up a river, the footprints belonging to an Acrocanthosaurus—a theropod that stood 15 feet and weighed 7 tons. What do you think?
Critics Praise Film For Fresh Commentary On Kevin Hart And Dwayne Johnson’s Contrasting Size #~# LOS ANGELES—A new film starring Kevin Hart and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson reportedly received lavish praise from critics Monday for the movie’s fresh commentary on the two actors’ contrasting sizes. “Yes, themes of size discrepancy have been explored since the dawn of cinema history, but Johnson and Hart breathe new life into the big guy, little guy genre, delivering a nuanced, incisive take like we’ve never seen before,” said ABC News’ Peter Travers, who was just one of hundreds of critics whose glowing reviews had landed the new feature film a 100 percent “Fresh” rating on Rotten Tomatoes. “Whether big Dwayne Johnson is picking up small Kevin Hart, or small Kevin Hart is struggling to lift big Dwayne Johnson, I was on the edge of my seat from start to finish. If viewers are anything like me, what they will find most rewarding is that not only is Kevin Hart smaller than Dwayne Johnson, but Dwayne Johnson is much larger than Kevin Hart. And I don’t want to give too much away, but I will hint that there is one scene in which Johnson and Hart swap bigness and smallness.” At press time, general audiences were lambasting the film, which had flopped at the box office, calling it “pretentious” and “slow.”
California To Ban Sale Of New Gasoline Cars By 2035 #~# California is poised to set a 2035 deadline for all new cars, trucks and SUVs sold in the state to be powered by electricity or hydrogen, a policy expected to quicken the global transition to electric vehicles. What do you think?
Astronomers: ‘We Told You This Was Your Best Chance To See The Perseid Meteor Shower—We Fucking Told You—And You Squandered It’ #~# HUNTSVILLE, AL—Expressing  disbelief that their advice had been ignored yet again, astronomers  held a press conference Friday in which they said they told you that earlier this month would be your best chance to see the Perseid meteor  shower—they fucking told you—and you went and squandered it. “What  did we goddamn say? Go to a dark place, bring your binoculars, and  expect to see 10 to 15 meteors per hour—and yet you fuckers did  jack,” said Stanley Schultz, an astronomer at NASA’s Meteoroid Environment Office, who grew increasingly irate as he described how the public had  sat around with its thumb up its ass while the majesty of the  once-yearly celestial phenomenon passed it by. “Jesus Christ, it’s  like we’re talking to a brick wall with you dipshits. What was it? You  had an important movie to watch? You couldn’t pause it for just a few  minutes before midnight to check out the peak viewing window? Do you  even know how stunning it looks in the Northern Hemisphere? I guarantee  it would have been the best part of your pathetic week. Well, fuck off.  Don’t come crawling to us a month from now asking if there’s any cool  shit you can see in the sky.” At press time, the astronomers had become  visibly exasperated after spotting several Americans walking outside at  midday and asking if they could maybe still see the meteor shower now.
Rural Resident Has To Travel More Than 2 Miles To Hear Nearest Neighbors Have Sex #~# CRAWFORD COUNTY, IN—Noting the stark differences between country and city life, rural resident Pat McCalahan confirmed Friday that he has to travel more than two miles from where he lives to hear his nearest neighbors having sex. “It’s not like in Chicago or New York where your neighbors are right on the other side of a wall while they’re doing it,” said McCalahan, who lives alone on five acres of land and whose closest neighbors, should he need to get in touch with them while they’re making love, are over in the next township, down a highway, and up a long driveway, with their bedroom located at the far end of their house. “The hustle and bustle of city life isn’t for me, but there are some days when I miss only having to walk a few feet over to the window to listen in on some good loving. I suppose that’s the tradeoff for more space and privacy, but it can be isolating sometimes to so rarely hear another human receiving pleasure. God forbid there’s ever an emergency, because they’d probably be finished screwing by the time I reached them.” At press time, McCalahan was seen loading up his truck with a pie he had made for his neighbors and with a ladder in case they decided to have sex on the second floor again.
Trump Claims Seized Classified Documents Had Been In His Family For Generations #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Stating he was “absolutely sickened” over the loss of “such precious heirlooms,” former President Donald Trump claimed Friday that the classified documents seized in an FBI raid had been in his family for generations. “My father inherited these documents from his father, who brought them with him to the U.S. on his voyage from Germany,” said Trump, who called upon the Justice Department to return the 700 pages of documents to his Mar-A-Lago estate immediately due to the “highly sentimental nature” of the materials. “This is a disturbing violation of my family’s privacy. These treasured documents may not have a lot of cash value, but to my family, they are simply irreplaceable. In fact, they still sit in the very same Banker’s Box my great, great, great, great grandfather originally stored them in the 17th century.” At press time, Trump added that while he may not have any sons, he was looking forward to passing the documents on to Ivanka one day.
Bloody Janet Yellen Drags U.S. Treasury Funds Through Arizona Desert After Money Supply Handoff Goes South #~# YUMA COUNTY, AZ—Keeping pressure on the wound in her side as she trudged beneath the scorching noonday sun, a bloodied Janet Yellen was reportedly spotted dragging U.S. Treasury funds through Arizona’s Yuma Desert on Friday after a tense money supply handoff with the International Monetary Fund went south. “Should have known those trigger-happy IMF boys would try to pull a fast one—they got me good all right, but I gave the bastards back worse,” said the treasury secretary, who grimaced as she pulled a duffel bag containing trillions of dollars in unmarked bills through the endless sand, briefly stopping to fashion her suit jacket into a makeshift head wrap to stave off heatstroke. “Let’s see… Beretta’s only got two bullets left. Damn canteen’s run dry too. Bleeding’s stanched, at least. Every international finance soldado from here to Timbuktu is looking for this bag right now, and I don’t stand to put up much of a fight if they catch me. Nothing for it but to stash the goods, find a doc to pull the lead out of my belly, and lay low in Washington for a spell until I can come back to reclaim what’s rightfully mine.”  Emphasizing that if she died, the secret of the money supply’s location would die with her, Yellen was last seen urging Congress to approve her request for extra ammunition after spying a cloud of dust on the horizon from approaching World Bank sicarios.
Texans React To School Book Bans #~# Anne Frank’s diary, Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye, and the Bible are among 40 books that were recently pulled from a Texas school district’s library. The Onion asked Texans how they felt about the book bans, and this is what they said.
Chet Holmgren Assures Fans He’ll Be Back And Perfectly Healthy For 9 Games Next Year #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—After suffering a foot injury that will cost him the entire 2022-23 season, Oklahoma City Thunder rookie Chet Holmgren reportedly assured fans Friday that he’ll be back and perfectly healthy for nine games next year. “Missing my rookie year in this league isn’t what I wanted, but I want everyone to know that I’ll be back bigger and stronger for a week and half of games early in the 2023-24 season before getting hurt again,” said Holmgren, adding that he would spend the next year focusing on getting better so he can help his team for a few games next November before getting injured and focusing on getting better again. “I’m going to do everything in my power to get healthy and make it back to the court, where I’ll most likely get hurt again, unless I get hurt in the locker room before I can make it back to the court. Injuries happen, but at this point I’ve already got my mind trained on being healthy for the 25 or so games I’ll be able to play in the 2024-25 season while dealing with multiple nagging foot and back ailments before the team shuts me down for the season, at which point I’ll look forward to giving my all for whatever team  the Thunder trades me to after the front office gives up on me.” Holmgren also assured fans that he plans on being one of the NBA’s biggest-ever “what-if” stories by the time he retires after nine injury-plagued seasons on four teams.
The Onion Guide To BeReal #~# The popularity of photo-sharing app BeReal continues to grow, hitting number one in Apple’s App Store and boasting an estimated 10 million daily users. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about BeReal.
Japan’s Tax Agency Encouraging Young Population To Drink More Alcohol #~# The Japanese tax agency announced a national “business contest” for young people to come up with promotional ideas encouraging their demographic to drink more alcohol in an effort to help boost the economy as it attempts to bounce back from the Covid pandemic. What do you think?
Biden Canceling $10,000 In Student Loan Debt For Borrowers Making Less Than $125,000 #~# President Biden announced he is forgiving up to $10,000 in federal student loan debt for millions of Americans earning less than $125,000 a year. What do you think?
Iowa Art Students Spend Class Sculpting Butter With Live Cow Model #~# AMES, IA—Learning to connect with their subjects on a deeper level, Iowa State University art students reportedly spent class Tuesday sculpting butter with a live cow model. “I wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea at first, but now I have a greater understanding of a cow’s anatomy and the way its body parts actually sit,” said student Gina Anichini, 23, diligently carving her 50 pounds of butter in the sprawled-out cow’s likeness, as her teacher reminded the class to sculpt the udder as it actually appeared here, not how they have seen it in their head or in media. “As soon as they removed the robe from over the model and it struck its first pose, standing on all fours, I immediately saw the value in an exercise like this—not only is my work more realistic, but I have a new appreciation for the intricacies of a normal cow’s figure. The nude cow body is usually so sexualized in our culture, but when you really look at it up close, you start to appreciate it more for its dramatic curves and high-contrast shadows, and the beauty inherent to each unique land mammal. Here, the scene is alive, activated, as human artist and bovine muse feed off one another’s energy and smells. There’s a reason Da Vinci preferred to sketch from live cattle as well.” At press time, the cow moved into its dynamic next pose, which included munching on one of the student’s sketchbooks.
Durant And Kyrie Agree To Be Teammates So Long As They’re Never In Same Room Together #~# BROOKLYN, NY—The cloud that hung over the Brooklyn Nets’ upcoming season amid tensions between their star players was seemingly lifted Thursday amid reports that Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving had agreed to remain teammates so long as they never have to be in the same room together. “They’re both incredibly talented players, so naturally we’re glad that Kevin has rescinded his trade demand so long as he and Kyrie never have to lay eyes on each other,” said the team’s general manager, Sean Marks, adding that the organization was happy to accommodate the two stars’ request that they never be required to speak to one another or be present in the Barclays Center at the same time. “We’re really pleased that KD and Kyrie settled their differences for the good of the team, and we’re excited to see one or the other of them on the court this season. This is a business, and we don’t need everyone on the team to be all buddy-buddy. Although they won’t be anywhere physically near each other, we’re glad to have them both on the squad.” Marks added that the team had also reached an understanding with the team’s third mercurial star, Ben Simmons, confirming that he would never be asked to be in the same room as either Durant or Irving.
Biden Unveils Student Loan Forgiveness Plan Requiring Taxpayers To Be Dragged Into Street And Killed Like Dogs #~# WASHINGTON—Detailing the features of his controversial new debt-relief program intended to violently massacre hardworking Americans, President Joe Biden unveiled Wednesday a new student loan forgiveness plan that will require many taxpayers to be dragged out into the street and killed like dogs. “To help alleviate the burden of outstanding federal loans, honest citizens will be snatched from their homes in the dead of night, forced down upon their knees, and shot execution-style while they scream for mercy,” said Biden, touting how the sweeping executive order will fulfill his campaign promise of making cities run red with the blood of responsible, debt-free people, who under the new policy will be spat upon and burned alive. “Those decent individuals who, through hard work and sacrifice, have already paid off their student loans will be targeted first, and any college-educated person earning more than $125,000 per year will be dumped in a mass grave after being skinned alive. Meanwhile, those who have unpaid student debt will be given $10,000 and an unlimited supply of grenades to toss into random houses in affluent areas.” According to reports, Biden ended the press conference by taking out a gun and shooting every member of the White House press corps who appeared old enough to have paid back their college loans. 
Kamala Harris Quietly Steps Into Frame Behind Biden During Student Debt Cancellation Announcement #~# WASHINGTON—Slowly edging into a room filled with White House advisors and congressional leaders, Vice President Kamala Harris is said to have quietly stepped into the frame behind President Biden during his Wednesday announcement that the federal government would cancel up to $20,000 in student debt. Sources confirmed Harris took great efforts to ensure the Roosevelt Room’s door closed silently as she entered and sidled up several inches behind the president, looking toward the press with a triumphant smile just as the photographs began. The vice president then reportedly exchanged glances with a visibly confused Education Secretary Miguel Cardona, giving him a silent thumbs-up before crossing her arms and nodding seriously at the cameras. According to reports, Harris slowly retreated out of the frame after the final photograph was taken and left as silently as she came.
Rumors Swirl About LeBron James’ Future After He Deletes All Pictures Of Basketballs From Instagram #~# LOS ANGELES—Numerous rumors were reportedly swirling Thursday about LeBron James’ future after the NBA superstar deleted all pictures of basketballs from his Instagram. “Whoa, every single picture of LeBron with a basketball is just gone—what does it mean?” asked Instagram user paper_chase0909, one of millions of fans and basketball pundits trading ideas about the reason behind the star’s deletion of dozens of images stretching back years, with many speculating that he was mad at basketball. “It’s so damn cryptic. There used to be tons of pictures with him and basketballs, but in these pictures of him on the court, it’s like he specifically left the ones where there’s not a basketball in sight. And in this one, there’s a picture of his family, but they’re not playing basketball—what’s that about? Maybe he’s trying to send a message that he wants out of basketball.” At press time, speculation over his next moves had intensified after James posted a photo of himself with a baseball visible in the background. 
Hero Conservationist Convinces Suicidal Galapagos Penguin To Put Down Gun #~# GALÁPAGOS ISLANDS, ECUADOR—Remembering his training as he calmly approached the animal in crisis, hero conservationist Greg Morgan reportedly convinced a suicidal Galápagos penguin to put down the gun it held to its head Thursday while threatening to take its own endangered life. “Please, I know you probably feel very alone right now as one of only a handful of your species remaining in the world, but the ecosystem needs you—you don’t want to do this,” said Morgan, cautiously taking steps toward the penguin, which gripped a 9mm Glock in its shaking flipper. According to sources, tears streaked down its bill as its attention darted from the expanse of the Pacific Ocean to Morgan and back. The penguin then reportedly  pressed the barrel to its temple, cocked the gun, and closed its eyes. “No, please! Let’s put the weapon down and chat a little bit. That’s all I ask. Listen, I get it, it probably feels like nothing has been going right for you since El Niño, and that’s true. Every day you face a dwindling supply of food, cataclysmic changes to your climate, and nonnative predators who raid your nests, but these hardships should only serve as further proof of how strong and resilient you are. You’re still here, despite all the odds! You can’t go on blaming yourself for all the harms that have been done to your habitat. You are merely a victim of circumstance. Believe me when I tell you that your species still has so much to live for. There are so many environmentalists out there who love you, including one standing right here.” At press time, Morgan was seen successfully gaining hold of the firearm without incident and clearing the ammunition as the penguin collapsed into his arms in tears. 
Americans Defend The Police’s Use Of Excessive Force #~# “We can’t have instances where police in the heat of the moment have to stop and second-guess whether it’s excessive to kick a guy who’s already unconscious.”
Russia Offering Hero’s Medal And $16,000 To Women Who Have 10 Kids #~# The Russian government has announced it is reviving the Soviet-era honorary title “Mother Heroine” for women who have 10 or more children, as it confronts a population decline that has worsened since its invasion of Ukraine. What do you think?
Drying Danube River Reveals Thriving Underwater Society Of Nazis #~# PRAHOVO, SERBIA—Along a stretch of the Danube where German warships were sunk in World War II, water levels have dropped to their lowest levels in nearly a century, revealing what sources described Wednesday as a thriving underwater society of Nazis. “Climate change has unfortunately worsened this year’s drought to the point where we can now look out into the river and see this bustling society of aquatic antisemites who live and work in a self-sustaining  community once concealed by water,” said Zoran Petrovich, an environmental historian from a nearby Serbian village who explained how the 1944 retreat up the Danube by the Third Reich’s Black Sea fleet ended with Nazis evolving gills and using the wreckage of their sunken flotilla to build fortresses beneath the rushing current. “We know the effects of global warming are dire when a once vibrant, fast-flowing river now has a flourishing civilization of uniformed Aryan fascists swimming around on full display. You can see them sieg-heiling through the surface with their webbed fingers. It’s hard to overestimate the ecological impact of these amphibious Kriegsmarine descendants all farming, trading, and training with the intention of one day waging war to establish a racially pure river habitat.” At press time, local conservationists confirmed that the river Nazis had begun operating salmon concentration camps.
Michigan Jury Convicts 2 Men Of Conspiring To Kidnap Gretchen Whitmer #~# A federal jury has found two men guilty of conspiring to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer in 2020, with the men now facing a maximum sentence of life in prison. What do you think?
Dr. Fauci To Step Down: A Career Retrospective #~# Dr. Anthony Fauci, who has served as a health advisor to seven U.S. presidents and became a household name during the coronavirus pandemic, announced Monday that he would step down from government service in December. The Onion looks at the highlights of Dr. Fauci’s long career.
New Humane Bug Spray Makes Insects Cum So Hard They Die #~# RACINE, WI—Touting the company’s commitment to the development of humane products, household chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson announced Wednesday that its insecticide brand Raid would now include a spray that kills insects by making them cum so hard they die. “With Raid Climax, we can finally offer consumers an ethical bug killer that gives pests in and around their home a transcendent, full-body orgasm that is so gratifying and intense it causes them to explode,” brand representative Kaitlyn Garrett said as she described how the spray floods arthropod nervous systems with oxytocin and dopamine, causing pleasurable sensations to ripple through the entire exoskeleton, which then quivers with more and more force until it ruptures in ecstasy. “Users will first notice the insect’s abdomen contorting and all of its legs shaking. Then they can watch as it is torn apart, segment by segment, in a final moment of overwhelming, rapturous bliss.  In the unlikely event a bug does survive the ultimate orgasm, it will try, in vain, to recreate the feeling by compulsively mating with everything in sight until it literally drops dead from the effort.” Garrett went on to explain that unfortunately using the new product may result in the consumer’s home becoming completely drenched in bug semen.
Teachers Reveal Why They Are Quitting Their Jobs #~# Amid budget cuts, restrictive curricula, and increasing threats to their safety, more and more teachers are opting to switch careers. The Onion asked teachers to explain why they are quitting their jobs, and this is what they said.
Scientists Plan To Resurrect Extinct Tasmanian Tiger #~# Researchers will attempt to resurrect the Tasmanian tiger, officially known as a thylacine, which used to roam the Australian bush, with the ambitious project harnessing advances in genetics, ancient DNA retrieval and artificial reproduction. What do you think?
Big Ben Undergoes Routine Cleaning To Remove Hapless Tourists Dangling From Minute Hand #~# LONDON—In an effort to ensure the iconic clock tower maintained its pristine appearance for years to come, authorities at the Houses of Parliament announced Wednesday that Big Ben was undergoing routine cleaning to remove any hapless tourists dangling from the minute hand. “Over the past months, the clock face has accumulated quite a few bumbling tourists who tumbled out onto a high ledge during a tour and were forced to hold on for dear life to the rotating minute or hour hands,” said Steve Jaggs, Deputy Keeper of the Great Clock, noting that  the cleaning staff would work to dislodge the inept and bungling visitors, many of whom had fallen out of an open window while chasing after a train ticket caught in the wind or while turning away bashfully from asking for the number of an attractive woman in their tour group. “Obviously, some of these tourists slide off naturally into the bushes below when the  hand rotates down to half-past. Unfortunately, though, most are snared by the back of their trousers and simply won’t fall off the clock until a visiting prime minister sees them and spits out their tea at the sight of the tourist’s heart-pattern boxers.” At press time, Jaggs announced that several of the clumsy tourists had thankfully fallen off after the deafening hour chimes struck and they clapped both hands to their ears just moments before realizing their mistake.
Tearful Norwegian Teen Bids Goodbye To Parents Before Leaving For National Service In Black-Metal Band #~# TROMSØ, NORWAY—Assuring his family and himself that two years would be over before they knew it, tearful Norwegian teen Svein Eriksen  reportedly bid goodbye to his parents Wednesday before leaving for his mandatory national service in a black-metal band. “I know I must serve my country by playing bass and writing satanic lyrics while touring dive bars across Norway, but all the same, I’m really going to miss my family,” said Eriksen, who had already adopted the black clothing, studded accessories, and corpse paint of the national service uniform. He added that he was dreading basic training, where he would be taught how to cut himself and be forced to grow out his hair. “I guess I’m feeling okay about the songwriting and music theory classes, but it’s one thing to learn about our national project to drag humanity into a pit of rage and violence, and quite another thing to actually have to carry that out. Although I guess it all depends on where I get deployed, whether that’s with Darkthrone, or Beezlebub’s Cock, or some band they haven’t even formed yet, but I’m pretty conflicted about going on tour either way. I heard it can get pretty violent. Plus, one of my friends keeps saying that if it’s such an honor to serve in these black-metal bands, then why does the government have to make it compulsory? He says it’s just a lie to keep these bands going, and there’s no honor in it at all.” Before departing his family’s home, Eriksen reportedly took one last look at the mantel, where a photo of his brother in his black-metal band uniform was placed next to an urn of his ashes.
Colleagues Give Dr. Fauci Rubella As Retirement Gift #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to thank the outgoing director for his more than 50 years of dedicated public service, employees at the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases told reporters Tuesday they had given Dr. Anthony Fauci rubella as a retirement gift. “After all his hard work at the NIAID and serving as our fearless leader during the Covid pandemic, the least we could do was give Dr. Fauci a very rare and highly contagious viral infection to remember us by,” said colleague Dr. Rachel Ipser, adding that she and her fellow staff members knew the departing agency head loved it simply by the way he was coughing, wincing, and constantly scratching his entire body. “Even though he’s very humble, and he’d never ask for us to do anything, we just knew he’d really appreciate taking a walk down memory lane with a disease that was eradicated in the United States in 2004. Now, when he looks in the mirror and sees his red eyes, swollen lymph nodes, and the rapidly spreading, itchy pink rash slowly overtaking his trunk, arms, and legs, he’ll always be able to think of his time here. We’ll miss him, and we wish him a swift, healthy recovery.” At press time, colleagues told reporters that Dr. Fauci had reportedly loved the gift so much that he insisted on sharing it with his entire fever-stricken, rash-covered staff. 
Fauci To Step Down In December #~# Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s top infectious disease expert who became a household name during the coronavirus pandemic, announced he will leave the federal government in December, capping off more than five decades of public service. What do you think?
Medical Student Totally Blanks On How To Solemnly Close Dead Patient’s Eyelids #~# BOSTON—Suddenly unable to recall his years of prior training in the heat of the moment, medical student Edward Hernon confirmed Tuesday he had totally blanked on the proper procedure to solemnly close a dead patient’s eyelids. “Okay, we just recorded the time of death, and I know I’m supposed to somberly give this guy a dignified expression of eternal rest, but jeez, was it a pinching motion, or a flick, or do I just kind of knead the eyelids?” said the flustered 26-year-old, who desperately blinked his own eyes open and shut several times in hopes that it would jog his memory. “C’mon, quit popping open and stay closed, damn you! I’ve done this a million times in class on the training dummy, but my first dead body, and it all goes right out the window. Does it help if I roll the eyeballs upward maybe? Oof, no, that looks way worse. Surgical clamps would work here, but that doesn’t feel solemn enough, and I don’t think this is supposed to require a tool. Ah, man, his eyes are getting all dry and gummy. I’m definitely screwing this up. Okay, got the left one to stay mostly shut, right one still doesn’t want to budge, though, and—no, no, no, don’t rip!” At press time, Hernon was seen making a frantic last-ditch effort to revive the patient with a defibrillator.
Americans Explain Why The Minimum Wage Should Not Be Raised #~# While it’s obvious to anyone with common sense that workers don’t deserve fair wages, The Onion asked Americans across the country to explain why the minimum wage should not be increased.
Landlord Informs Tenants Of Upcoming Improvements To His Lake House #~# CHICAGO—Alerting occupants that the private residence would be undergoing maintenance and remodeling, local landlord Keith Witman informed his tenants Tuesday of upcoming improvements to his lake house. “I’m emailing to let you all know that over the coming months, I will be making extensive upgrades to my weekend home,” wrote Witman, explaining that construction on his house in Lake Geneva, WI, which would be expanded to include a spa area and movie theater, should not cause any disruptions for tenants of the aging apartment building he owns in Chicago. “While I’ve been made aware of the burst pipe in your building’s basement, just know that I am currently working around the clock to fix the much smaller leak in my lake house before its slow drip causes a stain to form on the polished marble tiles of the guest room hot tub. The cost overruns of these vacation home updates will unfortunately require me to raise rents throughout your building by 35%.” At press time, Witman also notified residents that the super would not be reachable for the next several months, as his full-time services were needed onsite at the lake house.
Sacklers Ask Friend For Hookup To Buy Pharmaceutical Company From #~# AMAGANSETT, NY—Admitting they were experiencing major withdrawal, members of the Sackler family reportedly asked a friend Tuesday to provide them with the phone number of a hookup they could buy a pharmaceutical company from. “Gonna be honest, we’re kind of going through it right now and would appreciate it if we could use your connection to get a drug manufacturer,” said Richard Sackler, adding that his family would like to get about 1,000 employees to begin with, but would take whatever they could get just to feel that high again. “If it seems too sketchy to deliver a pharmaceutical company to our place, we can meet them at their apartment or back behind Walmart. We just want to make sure it’s a primo, Fortune 500–grade company.” At press time, the Sacklers were said to be furious after discovering the $1 billion dollar drug company they had purchased contained mostly vitamins.
Mom Compliments Foreigner On How Cheap Everything Is In Their Country #~# MÉRIDA, MEXICO—Remarking that her vacation to Mexico had been eye-opening, Denver resident and mother of three Kristine Kellen complimented several locals Tuesday on how cheap everything in their country was. “Oh my gosh, your country is so amazing—all of the food, clothes, and drinks have been one-third the price of what we’d pay in the United States,” said Kellen, adding that she was staying in one of the the nicest resorts, going to the nicest restaurants for dinner every night, and had barely spent a penny. “Seriously, you get to see these amazing views, eat the most delicious freshly caught fish, and live like a king for almost nothing. It must be so easy to save money here. You all probably retire at 35.” After learning how much homes  in the area cost, Kellen reportedly gasped and asked why anyone from Mexico would ever want to cross the border into the United States.
Dennis Rodman Plans Trip To Russia To Seek Brittney Griner’s Release #~# Former basketball player Dennis Rodman said he’s planning a visit to Russia to help secure the release of WNBA star Brittney Griner, who has been detained in the country since February. What do you think?
Massachusetts Student Receives Violation For Wearing Hijab #~# A Massachusetts charter school wrote up an 8th grade student for a uniform infraction for wearing a hijab, with the school saying it understands its “handling of the situation came across as insensitive.” What do you think?
Generous Airbnb Host Offers Guests Copy Of Hidden Camera Footage To Commemorate Visit #~# DESTIN, FL—Explaining that the keepsake was provided entirely with his compliments, generous Airbnb host Miles Kuzman told departing guests Ryan Taylor and Sadie Firks that he would provide them with a copy of the footage from his hidden cameras to commemorate their visit, sources reported Monday. “As a fun little perk, I give all my guests a video to remind them of their time eating dinner, watching television, and showering during their stay,” said Kuzman, remarking that the downloadable souvenir included a tasteful night-vision montage of the couple tenderly making love, set to the Beatles’ “In My Life.” “The footage also captures some intimate moments on the toilet that you can look back on when you want to remember your time here. The cameras I have hidden in the kitchen also picked up some great shots of the two of you fighting over money that I think you’ll like.” Kuzman added that contrary to what the guests said in the video while they were cleaning up the wine glasses they broke, he did notice and would be charging them. 
Pennsylvanians Explain Why They Are Voting For Dr. Oz #~# Former television host and current Trump-endorsed Republican candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz is running against Democratic Lt. Gov. John Fetterman in Pennsylvania’s U.S. Senate race. The Onion asked Pennsylvanians why they are voting for Oz, and this is what they said.
Report Finds It Impossible To Save Money #~# BOULDER, CO—Noting that there was way too much stuff out there to buy, a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Colorado found that it was completely impossible to save money. “According to our data, any attempt to save your money is pointless,” said lead author Dr. David Wint, who found that of all saving methods from bank accounts, piggy banks, stuffing money under a mattress, or burying it in the yard, none of them  stopped the cash from being spent. “The amount of money you see in your savings account might go up somewhat for a little while, but it will always fall back down in no time flat. However, in general, it’s essentially hopeless to assume that you would even have enough extra cash to deposit any money in the first place.” At press time, Wint assured those wanting more money that it was incredibly easy to rack up debt instead.
Study Finds Even ‘Limited’ Nuclear War Would Kill Billions #~# According to a new international study, a “relatively small” nuclear conflict involving less than 3% of the world’s stockpiles could kill a third of the world’s population within two years, with hundreds of millions of starvation deaths following immediate fatalities. What do you think?
Vitamin C And The Nutrient Gang Make Surprise Appearance In Area Man’s Breakfast #~# MANCHESTER, NH—Pleasantly surprised that the whole crew had dropped by to give a shout, exchange high-fives, and facilitate his body’s metabolic processes, local man Jake Honnold confirmed Monday morning that Vitamin C and the Nutrient Gang had made a rare and unexpected appearance in his breakfast. “I reach into the cupboard, open up a new box of cereal, and—say, what do you know?—it’s our old friend Vitamin C, and he’s brought along his boisterous band of 11 essential vitamins and minerals to start my day off right!” said the 32-year-old programmer, who reportedly let out a whoop upon seeing the entire B-vitamin Brigade somersault out of the box and into his bowl, from Old Man Thiamine right on down to that spunky Lil’ Folic Acid. “We have quite a distinguished gathering of breakfast all-stars out on the table this morning. That’s Potassium over there in our tall glass of OJ, holding court with the Antioxidants, and… Hey, I just sliced up a banana, and damned if I didn’t run smack dab into our good pal Dietary Fiber! Well, get on in that bowl and get ready to hip-hooray for the big splash of calcium coming right at you from this here carton of 2%. Man, this is so nice. I don’t see these guys nearly as often as I should, but breakfast is always a wholesome, healthy good time when the gang stops by!” At press time, sources reported Vitamin D had joined the party and really started to shake things up after Honnold ventured outside and received his first direct sunlight in months.
Jordan Peterson Comforted By Knowledge His Fanbase 95% Female #~# TORONTO—In the face of criticism and financial repercussions for several recent controversial statements, including the demonetization of his YouTube page, clinical psychologist and media personality Jordan Peterson told reporters Monday that he took comfort in the knowledge that his fanbase is 95% female. “Whenever the cancel culture brigade comes after me, I can brush it off because the facts speak for themselves, and the fact is, my listener base is almost entirely composed of progressive women,” said Peterson, who added that while he had been pleasantly surprised but skeptical at first, multiple independent surveys he had commissioned of his online followers and buyers of his books confirmed that women make up the overwhelming majority. “Sure, it’s frustrating to see people trying to drag me over the coals on Twitter, or use one or two statements I’ve made to cast aspersions on my whole character, but at the end of the day, women are clearly interested—the most interested, as several independent polls show—in what I have to say. You would be surprised how many women identify with Jungian archetypes of masculinity that separate the real men from those who simply follow the dictates of our all-too-woke society, and the diet of only red meat I support finds an obvious consumer base among women. And while I certainly appreciate the women who make up virtually my entire online following, it’s also important to remember that the internet isn’t everything, and it’s those sold-out talks attended almost exclusively by women that really make what I’m doing all worth it. Ultimately, women are the ones who realize that you need to slay the green dragon if you’re ever going to save your soul.” Peterson added that if he had one regret in his role as a controversial public speaker, it was that he hadn’t yet won over the remaining 10% of transgender people who don’t already financially support all of his work. 
​​Florida Court Rules Teen ‘Not Mature Enough’ To Have Abortion #~# A Florida court has ruled that a 16-year-old who initially petitioned to terminate her pregnancy, citing being a student and unemployed as reasons she is unprepared to have a baby, is not mature enough to make the decision to have an abortion. What do you think?
Mark Zuckerberg Worried His Metaverse Avatar Doesn’t Fully Capture How Inhuman He Looks #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Admitting that his virtual likeness had a long way to go before it felt like a genuine representation, Mark Zuckerberg told reporters Friday that he was worried his metaverse avatar didn’t fully capture how inhuman he looks. “While our Horizon Worlds platform is well on its way to becoming a fully immersive metaverse, my personal 3D rendering is not nearly as unnerving, uncomfortable, and unsettling as I am in real life,” said Zuckerberg, adding that his avatar had several distracting differences, including eyes that were unrealistically lively, a smile that was far too genuine, and body language that was unnaturally friendly and welcoming. “Unfortunately, as of today, my digital persona is nowhere near where it needs to be, and engineers are working around the clock to make an updated version that appears more bloodless, and is able to better mirror my butchered haircut, soulless facial expression, and perpetual uncomfortable slouch. When I look at him now, I’m endeared by him, and almost want to be his friend. Essentially, we have to start from scratch.” At press time, Zuckerberg took several minutes to congratulate his engineers on their decision to eliminate the lower half of his avatar’s body, saying it fully captured how sexless he was in real life.
Ukraine Completes Successful Takeover Of Russia #~# MOSCOW—A bloody and costly months-long conflict between the two nations ended in an unconditional surrender early Friday morning after Ukraine completed its successful takeover of Russia. “While much of the world’s attention moved on, our people continued to fight, and today we have finally achieved our ultimate aim of annexing all of Russia into the nation of Ukraine,” said victorious Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky from the Kremlin, where he personally presided as deposed President Vladimir Putin and other top Russian officials were led away in chains. “At the beginning of this war, Russia overplayed her hand, and many around the world wrote us off. But our counter-offensives this summer went better than even we expected, and after we seized Russia’s entire railway system in June, we began to see a complete takeover as a real possibility. These past few weeks, as we successfully occupied Moscow, St. Petersburg, and several key military bases, the writing was on the wall. After accepting Putin’s surrender, my message to the 150 million former citizens of Russia is this: Though you fought hard, we have unambiguously defeated you in battle, and we now invite you to move forward with us as Ukrainians. Those who do not comply will join members of the Russian military and other dissidents in Ukrainian labor camps. We believe, however, that you will unite with us, because Ukrainians and Russians have always been the same people.” With the Russian domino having fallen, Zelensky added that troops were already mobilizing to  conquer Georgia, Poland, and Kazakhstan and make them all part of a united Ukraine.
Texas Schools Require Clear Bags To Prevent Students From Bringing In Books #~# KELLER, TX—Calling the new policy a “necessary” safety measure, administrators from Keller Independent School District confirmed Friday that all students were now required to use clear bags in order to prevent them from bringing in books. “As we start the new school year, we’d like to remind students that all backpacks must be clear or mesh so that we can ensure you are not smuggling any educational materials onto campus grounds,” read a statement from the board of trustees, which warned students that they would also be subject to unannounced locker searches in collaboration with the local police department’s K9 book-detection unit. “Under our zero-tolerance policy, any novel brought onto school grounds will result in the offending student’s expulsion. Paraphernalia like bookmarks, highlighters, and library cards will be immediately confiscated. And don’t think you can get away with hiding a paperback in your pocket, either. We will not hesitate to conduct a strip search.” At press time, all schools in the area had gone into lockdown after someone reportedly entered a junior high carrying a copy of The Giver. 
Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI #~# Since Mar-a-Lago was raided on Aug. 8, 2022, the FBI has fielded an unprecedented number of threats against its personnel and property. The Onion asked conservatives why they do not trust the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and this is what they said.
Underwhelming Fantasy Novel Starts With Map Of Ohio #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Feeling let down to see a straightforward rendering of the Midwestern state, local reader Kyle Nuebart reported Friday that underwhelming fantasy novel Dayton Rising featured a map of Ohio in its opening pages. “There’s no Mount Blightforge or Tower of Azingoth or anything, just a simple overview of the main geographical features  across the state of Ohio,” the disappointed man said as he thumbed through the first book of the seven-volume Chronicles Of Buckeye series, scanning over symbols denoting the Toledo Zoo, an abandoned factory, and the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, but failing to find even one dragon or castle. “The way all these boats are pictured in the north makes me think that crossing Lake Erie is going to be a major plot point, which doesn’t seem too promising. I was hoping there would at least be a portal to somewhere else, even if it’s just Canada, but all there seems to be are icons for rest stops along the interstate.” At press time, Nuebart told reporters his expectations had fallen even lower after the 800-page book opened with a paragraph talking about a consortium of elders arriving from the far-flung kingdom of Bloomington, IN.
Determined Lab Researcher Not Giving Up On Finding Something That Can Be Cured By Drinking Own Urine #~# DURHAM, NC—Undeterred by the many setbacks in his field of study, determined Duke University clinical researcher Alexander Tremblay told reporters Friday that he was not giving up on finding something that could be cured by drinking one’s own urine. “Thus far, experiments conducted in my lab have shown that migraines, diarrhea, and seasonal allergies are not alleviated when a person pees into a cup and then drinks it all down, several times a day,” said Tremblay, adding that he had also run trials that failed to find evidence that urine consumption, whether in tiny sips or massive gulps, was an effective treatment for nearsightedness, mild depression, or a receding hairline. “High blood pressure, shingles, rickets—drinking warm piss every morning of your life and cold piss every night has got to be good for something. The answer is out there, and I’m going to find it. A lot of my colleagues have doubted the value of this research, but when someone who has ingested gallons and gallons of his own urine outlives them all by a decade or two, we’ll see where their skepticism gets them.” Remarking that he didn’t mind being passed over for grants because his studies cost very little to conduct, Tremblay acknowledged he was upset when his paper “A Golden Fountain Of Youth: The Antiaging Effects Of Chugging Piss” was rejected by The New England Journal Of Medicine.
Study Finds Humans First Crossed To New World Using Land Bridge Of Previously Drowned Humans #~# ITHACA, NY—In a groundbreaking new finding that sheds light on the migration patterns of ancient Homo sapiens, a Cornell University study published Friday revealed that humans first crossed to the New World using a land bridge created from previously drowned humans. “Our research suggests the land bridge used to travel to the Americas was actually made from the bloated corpses of other humans who had tried and failed to make the exact same voyage,” said Professor Derek Hammond, who added that fossil evidence of nearly 350,000 human skeletons found in and around the Bering Strait suggested that the land bridge of drowned humans had once spanned over 800 miles between modern-day Russia and Alaska. “What’s interesting is that even as they jumped from one swollen, waterlogged body to the next, humans seemed to feel complete confidence that they would make it across to the New World. Indeed, many of them were so brazen that they walked directly into the sea, where they floundered and suffered the same fate as so many before them.” The study also confirmed that major exploration of the Americas did not start, however, until humans created the technology to bind human corpses together into a raft and set sail for the New World.
Liz Cheney Loses Primary To Trump-Backed Opponent #~# Liz Cheney, a fierce critic of Donald Trump, has been defeated in her bid for reelection by a rival backed by the former president, strengthening Trump’s grip on the Republican party. What do you think?
Biden Signs Inflation Reduction Act Into Law #~# President Biden has signed into law the Inflation Reduction Act, a sweeping $750 billion health care, tax, and climate bill, that is seen as a big win for the Democrats ahead of midterms. What do you think?
Andy Reid Criticizes Soldier Field’s Eating Conditions #~# KANSAS CITY—Following his team’s preseason game loss to the Chicago Bears, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid on Thursday criticized Soldier Field’s eating conditions. “It is absolutely inexcusable to have to play in a stadium with low standards for burgers and pizza,” said Reid during a press conference, adding that Soldier Field had been for years one of the worst stadiums to eat a bucket of nachos during halftime. “Frankly, it’s dangerous—I was trying to get an Italian beef sandwich, but the concession stand was so far away that I nearly pulled a muscle walking there. The eating conditions there have always been terrible, but this year it almost got to the point where I would’ve rather forfeited the game than force my guys to go out there and play the second half while I was still so hungry. They were out of a bunch of items, and the beer guy kept ignoring me. It’s a disgrace.” Reid stated that he had no choice but to file a formal complaint with the NFL over Soldier Field’s inferior pretzels and disturbing lack of barbecue options. 
American Masculinity Faces Existential Threat After Man Asked To Be Nicer Sometimes #~# DETROIT—Delivering  a crushing blow to the traditional beliefs and practices held by men  nationwide, sources confirmed Thursday that American masculinity faced  an existential threat after a meeting at Dynatech Telecommunication in  which local employee Mark Taylor was asked by coworkers to maybe be  nicer sometimes. “Hey, Mark, would you mind letting Abby finish what she  was saying before you jump in?” said team leader Francis Wu, reminding  him to be “a little more respectful” of his coworkers in a direct assault on the the  pillars of male identity stretching back centuries from the original  American pioneers through to the Old West’s cattle drivers and up until  the modern-day hunting and mixed martial arts of podcaster Joe Rogan. “I  think the room would just feel a little more relaxed if you try to take  a deep breath and keep things a bit more even-keeled. Alright, bud?  Sorry if that’s too much. Just a suggestion.” At press time, sources confirmed that a thousand year reign of femininity and estrogen had been inaugurated after Taylor was told that he also occasionally repeated the ideas of female coworkers as if they were his own.
Inspiring Woman Becomes Professional Surfer Despite Shark Biting Head Off #~# SAN CLEMENTE, CA—In awe of the woman’s resilience, sources confirmed Friday that 23-year-old Maya Franklin had achieved her goal of becoming a professional surfer despite surviving a shark attack as a teenager that resulted in the loss of her head. “No one thought Maya would ever surf again after that shark took her head—honestly, people were just relieved she survived, as she had lost quite a bit of blood,” said a source close to Franklin, who described how the young surfer had not only returned to the sport after just six months of physical therapy, but had risen to become one of the most celebrated and one of the very few headless surfers. “A lot of people told her, ‘You can’t surf, you’re decapitated!’ But Maya didn’t listen. With no brain, no face, and not much more than a nub of a neck, Maya managed to win contest after contest, proving herself perfectly capable of time and time again holding her own with competitors whose heads were firmly attached to their spines.” At press time, sources acknowledged that in addition to her athletic career, Franklin was also an incredible public speaker.
Boyfriend Not Sure If He Expected To Leave Party Just Because Girlfriend Heading Out In Ambulance #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Sighing with exasperation that his date decided to take off early, local boyfriend Dan Havenforth was reportedly unsure if he was also expected to leave the party Friday just because his girlfriend was heading out in an ambulance. “I’m not ready to leave yet, should I be expected to abruptly end my night just because she wants to go to the emergency room?” said Havenforth, adding that she would probably want to climb into bed at the hospital and lie there for the rest of the night, which he thought sounded kind of boring. “Like, we just got here and she already wants to go on a stretcher. It’s honestly rude to my friends if I bail now to ride in the back of the ambulance with her, plus I just spent the whole day doing what she wanted to do. It’s not like she’s alone either, there are, like, five paramedics with her and I made sure she got into the vehicle safely. Fuck it, I’m staying, if she wants to be like that, she can take her gurney and go.” At press time, Havenforth was overheard complaining to his friends that his girlfriend was just in one of her unconscious head-wound moods.
Serena Williams Looks Back On Her Career Highlights #~# Serena Williams recently announced her retirement from tennis after a sterling career that has included 23 Grand Slam singles titles, the second-most of all time. She recently sat down with The Onion to look back on the most memorable moments of her career.
Concerned Mother Pores Over Troubled Son’s Journal For Anything That Could Implicate Her #~# WADSWORTH, OH—Wanting to detect any danger before it was too late, concerned mother Kelsey Morales told reporters Thursday that she had spent hours poring over her troubled son’s journal for anything that could possibly implicate her. “There’s probably nothing to worry about, but I just want to go through it all in case there are any classic signs of negligent parenting that could incriminate me when the inevitable happens,” said Morales, adding that if her son were to one day shoot up an elementary school, she would always regret not discovering any pages in his journal that might mention the boy had easy access to guns at home. “I don’t want to go through the rest of my life wondering if there’s something I could have done to stop him from employing language that could be used as evidence against me in a court of law. I flipped right to the entry where he mentions me purchasing the AR-15, but thankfully he doesn’t say anything about how I keep it in an unlocked cabinet in the family room.” At press time, Morales was reportedly trying to convince the 13-year-old not to mention her in the journal by promising to buy him an extra 1,000 rounds of hollow-point ammunition.
Reflection Looks Way Drunker Than Woman Anticipated #~# SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Startled by the glazed-over pair of eyes staring back at her in the mirror, local woman Kelsey Houghton confirmed Wednesday that her reflection was way drunker than she had anticipated. “Jesus fucking Christ, what happened?” said Houghton, who reportedly leaned close to the bathroom mirror, appraising her appearance with horrified curiosity as she tried to make sense of how she had become so visibly intoxicated despite arriving at the party just a short hour and a half ago. “My hair. My eyes. Oh no, no, no, no. Hopefully it’s just bad lighting. Come on, get a grip on yourself. Be normal. Act normal. Practice one good normal smile—there we go. Maybe I should splash some water on my face? Shit, now I’m all wet. At least I look normal when I do finger guns and wink. Okay, now stop talking to yourself. I said, ‘Stop it.’ Is that wing sauce on my shirt? Did I even eat a Buffalo wing?” At press time, sources reported that Houghton was studying her appearance from the reflection in the toilet bowl.
Post-Roe Abortion Laws In Every State #~# Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision on June 24, 2022, to overturn Roe v. Wade, which affirmed a right to abortion at the federal level, The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how female reproductive rights are mangled, mutilated, and butchered at the state level.
Man Rescued From Tunnel In Rome After Alleged Attempted Bank Heist #~# A suspected bank robber was rescued in Rome after the roof of a tunnel he had been digging to allegedly break into a bank collapsed, burying him under six meters of dirt. What do you think?
U.S. Condemns Myanmar For Not Making Activist Executions Look Like Accidents #~# WASHINGTON—Announcing its disappointment over the recent killings, the United States privately condemned military leaders in Myanmar for not making the executions of four pro-democracy dissidents look more like accidents, sources confirmed Thursday. “Put a little effort into it, and for God’s sake, at least try to cover it up!” CIA Director William Burns said in an encrypted exchange, suggesting that the next time an activist caused a problem, the junta could frame it as a suicide, or perhaps gun down the troublemaker and pass it off as the work of an unstable lone-wolf assassin. “What’s wrong with just disappearing a guy, huh? And why on earth did you do them all at once? If you don’t space them out a little, it’s pretty fucking obvious what you’re up to. Then again, maybe you amateurs don’t realize the goal is not to get media attention, considering you published all the details in a state-run newspaper! How stupid can you be? Look, do what you need to do—we don’t care—but going forward, don’t be so goddamn sloppy about it.” At press time, Burns had reportedly calmed down, saying that he understood Myanmar didn’t have the CIA’s resources to cover-up state-sanctioned murder and that he would be happy to send over some of his own agents to help Myanmar with future killings. 
Academy Apologizes To Sacheen Littlefeather For 1973 Oscars Incident #~# The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences apologized to Sacheen Littlefeather over her mistreatment after refusing Marlon Brando’s 1973 Oscar win on his behalf. What do you think?
What’s In The Inflation Reduction Act? #~# The Inflation Reduction Act, which was signed into law by President Joe Biden on Tuesday, represents the Democratic Party’s effort to deliver on its agenda. The Onion looks at the key elements of the Inflation Reduction Act.
Monsanto Executive Threatens To Detonate Every Corncob In Nation Unless Demands Met #~# ST. LOUIS—Warning that the corn found in kitchens, grocery stores, and restaurants across the country were ticking time bombs, Monsanto executive Jeff Dunbarton threatened to detonate every corncob in the nation Wednesday unless his demands were met. “Should you fail to deliver the $20 billion I require, I will be forced to set off every single ear of corn in America,” the company’s head of crop science said before blowing up an 800-acre Iowa cornfield as a demonstration, claiming that was just a small taste of what was to come if he did not receive the full amount by midnight. “We have genetically engineered all cobs to have the maximum blast radius, which would blow kernels through the skull of every man, woman, and child across the country. In addition, if you have consumed corn in the past 24 hours, the detonation will cause your abdomen to forcefully explode as the partially digested kernels rupture your intestines.” At press time, the cackling executive was reportedly counting his money when he decided to go ahead and level the entire Midwest anyway.
Conservatives Explain Why They Are Preparing For A Civil War #~# Since Jan. 6, 2021, many Trump supporters have been preparing to wage war against the U.S. government. The Onion asked conservatives why they are preparing for a civil war, and this is what they said.
Man Feeling Ancient After Realizing He Older Than Everyone In Little League World Series #~# TOPEKA, KS—As he sat on his couch and watched the tournament on television Wednesday, 39-year-old Joshua Miller admitted he felt ancient upon realizing he was older than everyone playing in the Little League World Series. “God, I never really thought about it, but suddenly you hear that the catcher is turning 11, and you’re like, Jesus Christ, where did my life go?” said Miller, appearing solemn as he took a sip of an IPA and ran his fingers through his receding hair. “It really makes you feel your age. I mean, I used to look up to guys who played in the Little League World Series, and now I’m, what—at least 27 years older than everybody on the field? Most Little Leaguers peak around age 12 or so and retire by the time they’re 13, so I’m more than a little past my prime. I always meant to make something more of myself, but I guess that ship sailed a long time ago.” Miller added that in retrospect, he wished he had worked harder and applied himself when he was young so that he could have gotten into a better middle school.
Wirecutter Unveils Recommendations For Best Electric Chairs #~# NEW YORK—In order to help consumers make more informed choices with their money, New York Times product review site Wirecutter unveiled its recommendations Tuesday for the best electric chairs. “As technology has progressed over the past decade, we’ve gotten to the point where there are so many electric chairs on the market that it can be hard to decide how to get the most bang for your buck in an execution,” wrote Wirecutter writer Taylor Orleans, adding that site’s staff arrived at their choices after speaking with dozens of prison executioners and testing every option themselves. “Our top choice, the Auburn Chair, combines a high-quality wood frame with good lumbar support and 2,200 volts of electricity, and although it costs a pretty penny, we believe there’s no better way to electrocute someone to death on the market. That’s based on unanimous glowing reviews from several of our product testers in the instant before it stopped their hearts. If the cost alarms you, there’s also Herman Miller Fryer, our runner-up, which is of course the most classically iconic electric chair on the market. It offers all the speed and lethality of an injection cocktail as well as comfortable leather straps and timeless modernist touches. While you can’t go wrong with the top options, for those on a tight budget, there’s the Alcatraz 2.0, which is super stylish but unfortunately is unlikely to kill you.” Wirecutter staff also offered a disclaimer that if any prisons did purchase an electric chair through their site, they would earn a commission fee. 
Every Man Leering At Little League World Series Claiming To Be Scout #~# SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PA—When pressed about which of the young athletes on the field they were there to support, every one of the strangers leering at the Little League Baseball World Series game Wednesday reportedly claimed to be a professional scout. “I admit, at first I felt a little uneasy about how intently he was staring at those kids, but he assured me this was all part of the job,” said 37-year-old Jennifer Beyl, who confirmed that the brief conversation she had with the shifty man behind her represented just one of dozens of similar exchanges she had had at the tournament that day. “It’s like half the spectators attending this thing are scouts. I guess the camcorders make sense, but wouldn’t they rather be filming the game than zooming in on the dugout? Seems a little suspect, but hey, what do I know? I’m only here because, uh, because, um.” At press time, a stammering Beyl had claimed she, too, was a scout before darting out of the bleachers.
Overzealous Fly Not Even Waiting For Shit To Drop From Dog’s Asshole #~# GALENA, IL—Watching as it frantically circled its next meal with no regard for basic etiquette, insect sources confirmed Wednesday that an impatient, overzealous fly couldn’t even wait for shit to drop from a dog’s asshole. “Whoa, slow down, pal—I get that you’re excited about the fresh poop and all, but don’t you think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself?” said a local housefly, looking on with embarrassment as its fellow Musca domestica beelined it for the squatting canine, landed squarely on its anus, and buzzed excitedly as excrement began to appear. “Look, I get it, I want to eat shit and lay my eggs in it as much as the next fly, but you don’t see me climbing up any dog’s assholes for it. Seriously, that freak is so desperate. I’ll wait until the turd hits the ground, thanks.” At press time, insect sources could not be reached for comment, as the canine had reportedly eaten its own feces and all the flies.
Nearly Half Of All Teens Say They Use Internet ‘Almost Constantly,’ Survey Finds #~# According to a new Pew research poll, just under half of American teenagers describe themselves as “almost constantly” online, a huge jump from 24% in 2015, with YouTube and TikTok being the platforms that are the most used. What do you think?
Study: Risk Of Catastrophic Megafloods In California Have Doubled #~# Scientists have concluded that a climate change has doubled the likelihood over the next four decades of California experiencing a megaflood, in which a series of storms could dump several feet of rain over weeks, submerging cities and displacing millions of people. What do you think?
Dick Cheney Launches Last-Minute Invasion Of Wyoming To Bolster Daughter’s Reelection #~# WILSON, WY—As Humvees and Halliburton tanks rolled across the state’s borders under cover of darkness, former Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly commanded a full-scale invasion of Wyoming early Tuesday in an effort to bolster his daughter’s reelection chances. “The corrupt campaigns in Wyoming’s congressional primary show this rogue state cannot be allowed to continue operating without a swift and resolute military response,” Cheney said in a press statement that heralded the launch of Operation Bison Freedom and brushed aside concerns about possible death tolls, pointing to satellite evidence that showed nuclear sites constructed under the “tyrannical rule” of Wyoming Gov. Mark Gordon. “Regime change will unquestionably help spread democracy to the freedom-loving people of Wyoming and further advance our ability to broker a lasting peace between North and South Dakota. In fact, I’m sure the streets of Cheyenne will erupt into joy at the city’s liberation. To the people of Wyoming, I say this: Your state is rich with resources and human talent. With the help of Rep. Liz Cheney, you can build a future of stability, self-determination, and prosperity that will last for years to come.” At press time, Cheney denied claims that 257 Wyoming civilians had  died in an overnight raid to keep polls open for several additional hours.
Unambitious Psychopath Still Only Killing Small Animals #~# FARMINGTON HILLS, MI—Failing to live up to his potential to be one of the most notorious serial killers of all time, unambitious psychopath Jared Darby was still only killing small animals, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You’d think that after all this time he’d have moved on to killing people, but no, he’s still just setting cats on fire,” said longtime acquaintance Eric Scanlon, claiming that Darby petered out after initially showing an aptitude for skinning dogs at a young age. “It’s like, do you really want to be smashing squirrels with baseball bats your entire life? At a certain point you have to challenge yourself by torturing and dismembering a drifter. He could have been slaughtering beautiful young women by now if he had just applied himself. He really needs to grow up.” At press time, an unmotivated Darby was seen bumming around his hometown drowning guinea pigs.
Report: Nothing Beats Seeing Yankees Lose At Home #~# NEW YORK—An exhaustive report drawing on data compiled over the past several decades and released Tuesday concluded that nothing beats seeing the New York Yankees lose at home. “After observing millions of different scenarios, we have confirmed that seeing the Yankees lose a home game and watching their awful fans sadly file out of the stadium increases dopamine production in the brain to levels unmatched by any other event,” said Professor Andrew Lau, a co-author of the Stanford University study, which found the average level of joy derived from seeing the Yankees lose a ball game surpassed that of watching one’s child be born, one’s wedding day, or winning the lottery. “While respondents to a nationwide survey were universal in ranking a Yankees loss as the best thing to witness, some favored watching them get completely blown out by the opposing team, while others preferred to see them lose in heartbreaking fashion via a walk-off home run. Virtually all of the respondents agreed that they derived incredible happiness from seeing a child in a Yankees hat catch a foul ball that he was not even excited for because the team was losing so bad, and that seeing men who had crafted their whole identity around their Yankees fandom have their spirit crushed produced a massive burst of euphoria.” The study revealed that of all the scenarios surveyed, the only one that came close to being as good as watching the Yankees lose was seeing the Dallas Cowboys get absolutely obliterated on national television.
Department Of Transportation Allocates $2 Billion To Finally Make Nation Look All Futuristic And Shit #~# WASHINGTON—Highlighting a variety of groundbreaking infrastructure projects, the U.S. Department of Transportation announced Tuesday it would allocate $2 billion toward a major new initiative to finally make the nation look all futuristic and shit. “Everything is going to have this super sleek and angular design, and it will all be really shiny and reflective with cool LED lights all over the fucking place,” said Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, explaining how cities throughout the United States would begin to look like a combination of Looper, Westworld, and Blade Runner—not the original Blade Runner, but the more recent film with Ryan Gosling in it. “It’s gonna be fucking sweet. Every bus driver and train conductor will be wearing those reflective visor sunglasses and dressed in these badass steampunk trench coats. But it’s about more than just looks. There’ll be a lot of laser whirring noises all the time, and, every once in a while, just a low, vibrational rumble. We’re going to have all kinds of hologram advertisements on everything that will know information about you personally. It’ll be like Tokyo times a thousand.” Advising reporters that his job title and the name of his department had changed, Buttigieg added that he should henceforth be referred to as the Grand Admiral of the Department of Teleportation.
Report: Your Tax Dollars Went To Raytheon Trying To Invent An Exploding Knife #~# WASHINGTON—As part of a government effort to improve transparency in the allocation of national revenues, a personalized IRS report that arrived in your mailbox Tuesday confirmed your tax dollars last year went to defense contractor Raytheon as part of an effort to invent an exploding knife. “The percentage of your income that you paid to the U.S. Treasury in 2021 was immediately included in a Defense Department contract with Raytheon to test whether they could get a knife to blow up with a remote detonator,” read the report, which went on to state that your tax dollars were specifically spent on the carbon-fiber handle of an exploding-knife prototype that didn’t explode and was immediately thrown away. “In the interests of full disclosure, we wanted to inform you that while you had absolutely no control over where your personal tax contribution went, we trust that you’re pleased with our decision to earmark your hard-earned money for Raytheon’s proposal to develop a knife that can explode in someone’s hand, or maybe in an assailant’s stomach after they’ve been stabbed. Raytheon also told the Pentagon it had a really good idea for a knife that exploded into hundreds of tiny knives, a project Congress was eager to invest in. Ultimately, although the trials for this project did not produce enough tangible results to move forward, Raytheon  submitted another idea for an artificially intelligent tire that rolls into terrorists, and that’s what your personal tax dollars are being used for in 2022.” The report added that the IRS was originally planning to give you a refund this year, but put the money toward the Raytheon CEO’s annual bonus instead.
Customer Listens Silently As Barber Describes All Of The Actresses He’d Have Sex With #~# CLEVELAND—Sitting stock-still and staring into the middle distance while the hairdresser outlined his sexual inclinations toward assorted famous women, local customer Peter Sargent reportedly listened silently Tuesday as his barber Greg Tarlton listed all the actresses he’d have sex with. “Oh, yeah, that Megan Fox is stacked, you ever get a load of her in Transformers? I’d totally do her,” said the barber, who continued to disclose unsolicited information about which starlets and female musicians he would have sexual intercourse with despite a lack of any affirmative response from his customer outside of a quiet “uh-huh.” “Definitely Jennifer Lawrence. And Mila Kunis. Selena Gomez. I’m trying to think who else. Oh, yeah, I’d still bang that Alyssa Milano, even though she’s getting on the older side. All right, how’s that look?” At press time, Sargent had reportedly paid, said “great haircut,” and rushed out the door without making eye contact.
Florida Police Order Beachgoers To Stop Interrupting Manatees Having Sex #~# Police in Florida are asking people to stop interrupting manatees while they’re mating after beachgoers were seen trying to touch the mammals while they engaged in a group mating session known as a “manatee ball”. What do you think?
Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty #~# Capital punishment is an extremely controversial part of an already-fraught U.S. justice system. The Onion asked everyday Americans why they support it, and this is what they said.
Study Finds You Should Talk More, People Want To Hear What You Think #~# YOUR  LOCATION—Stressing that you probably had hundreds of good ideas in your head that  deserved to be shared, a study released Tuesday found that you should  talk more and that people  want to hear what you think. “You doubt  yourself too much—everyone feels that way,” read the report in part, questioning the way you stayed quiet in meetings, social groups,  and parties where participants commonly thought to themselves that you  appeared to be a thoughtful, interesting person who could likely make  many important contributions to society. “If anything, you’re depriving  the world by not speaking up. In fact, there’s nothing that should stop  you from turning to the nearest person and just saying everything that  comes to your mind. It will probably be incredibly interesting.” At press  time, the report suggested that maybe you shouldn’t bring up the race  stuff.
FBI Search Warrant Shows Trump Suspected Of Violating Espionage Act #~# Newly unsealed search warrants related to the FBI’s raid at Mar-a-Lago show the former president is being investigated by the Department of Justice for potential violations of the Espionage Act related to the 11 sets of classified records recovered at his estate. What do you think?
City’s Primary Investment In Community Comes Through Police Department’s Wrongful Death Settlements #~# ST. LOUIS—Touting their continued support of citizens in the city’s economically disadvantaged neighborhoods, officials in St. Louis told reporters Monday that their primary investment in the community came through the police department’s wrongful death settlements. “Millions of dollars have been pumped into our most impoverished areas after family members have sued the city over an unjustified shooting of a loved one by local authorities,” said Mayor Tishaura Jones, explaining that the government money provided to end court cases against the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department for gunning down children have helped black and brown families pay for hundreds of funerals. “The money we’ve put back into the community has been helpful for single parents who have lost their spouse in a wrongful shooting, as well as for children who have been orphaned as a result of an officer-involved killing. While these payments may not be adequate compensation for the damage done, at least part of the city’s budget is finally going to the people who need it most.” Jones acknowledged that the individual settlements tended to be very small, but observed that in a city with as many police shootings as St. Louis, the total investment could really start to add up and make a big difference.
Man Realizes Parents Only Pushed Him Hard To Make Him Insecure For Rest Of Life #~# CHICO, CA—Acknowledging that he hated the constant badgering while growing up, local man Joseph Porter told reporters Monday that he realized his parents only pushed him so hard to make him insecure for the rest of his life. “At the time, I couldn’t see it, but now I understand that all their pressure was just teaching me to grow up into the kind of person who hated himself and never thought that he was good enough,” said Porter, who added that his parents constant need for him to get good grades, perform well in sports, and attend the best schools eventually showed him the value of measuring his life in arbitrary achievements and beating the shit out of himself when he failed. “Yeah, it wasn’t always fun growing up, but now I’m a shell of a man who questions every decision he’s ever made and constantly feels like a failure on all counts. Plus, my parents were so lenient on my brother, and look at him. He’s so happy and well-adjusted now.” Porter added that when he had kids, he wanted to do everything in his power to make sure they grew up to be just as neurotic, depressed, and unstable as he was.
Conservatives Question Why FBI Raided Mar-A-Lago While Dick Dastardly Remains Free #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Claiming that authorities were ignoring the real criminals in favor of a targeted witch hunt against Donald Trump, prominent conservatives questioned Monday why the FBI would spend time raiding Mar-a-Lago when Dick Dastardly remained free. “Why is it that Donald Trump has to live his life being relentlessly persecuted by Joe Biden’s cronies, but real criminals like double-dealing do-badders Dick Dastardly and his sidekick, Muttley, can repeatedly break the law?” said Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, adding that he thought it was disgusting for the Justice Department to target a former president when it had totally ignored Dick Dastardly’s repeated schemes to destroy beloved American war hero Yankee Doodle Pigeon. “President Trump spent four years doing nothing but helping the American people, yet the FBI has never once obtained a search warrant to enter Dick Dastardly’s dreaded Mean Machine. Plus, none of his associates like Zilly, Klunk, or any of the Vulture Squadron have even once been questioned. This is a banana republic!” At press time, DeSantis told reporters he had gathered several video confessions of Dick Dastardly yelling “Drat, drat, and double drat!” and “Curses, foiled again!” and was planning on turning them over as a part of a rival GOP probe.
Report: Not Protecting Children Very Well Saved U.S. $5 Trillion Over Last Decade #~# BALTIMORE—Amid concerns about economic stagnation and rising federal debt, an encouraging report released Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that not protecting children very well saved the United States around $5 trillion over the last decade. “Our data shows that refraining from investments in expensive projects that improve or even simply maintain the health, safety, and overall well-being of this nation’s youth saves both federal and local governments billions of dollars per year,” said study co-author Erick Rosen, attributing the savings in part to lax regulations on companies using harmful chemicals in common foods and household items, avoiding improvements that would make roadways safer, and neglecting pediatric care. “While placing America’s children in an environment rife with treatable diseases, gun violence, and poverty may have its downsides, there is no denying the financial savings it generates. Importantly, these cost savings should continue to increase as long as this country continues to put off removing lead from pipes, repairing dangerous playgrounds, and improving the education system. Ultimately, there is a strong correlation between just kind of letting whatever happens to our children happen and a more cost-effective overall financial picture, and we expect this dynamic to continue.” A related study from Texas A&M University found that not protecting foreign children also offered numerous economic benefits, pointing to the billions of dollars in profits American companies generated by bombing them.
Everything The FBI Seized During The Raid At Mar-A-Lago #~# FBI agents raided former President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort last week. The Onion provides exclusive access to what the federal law enforcement agency seized.
New Texas Law Requires Gun Buyers To Show Proof Of Mental Illness #~# AUSTIN, TX—Calling it a “vital” first step toward regulating mass shootings, Texas lawmakers passed a new law Monday that requires gun buyers to show proof of mental illness. “Starting today, all prospective firearm owners must be evaluated by a state-licensed physician and be able to document that they currently suffer from violent tendencies or are otherwise mentally disturbed,” said Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, adding that registered gun owners would need to take yearly exams to confirm they routinely threaten people’s lives, fantasize about murder, and actively wish to do harm against others or themselves. “Henceforth, no individual without a history of psychopathy or violence against women, children, or marginalized groups will be allowed to purchase automatic or semiautomatic weapons. And if they do not have an unsecured, unlocked area to store their gun, they will not be granted a license.” At press time, Abbott added that the state had passed further regulations requiring that anyone who had been reported to be planning a mass shooting of any kind be given complimentary ammunition and firearms.
Study Finds Spiders Sleep In Way Similar To Humans #~# Researchers have published a new study in which they observed that at night baby jumping spiders showed patterns such as legs twitchings and eyes flickering that looked very similar to REM sleep, an active phase of sleep experienced by humans. What do you think?
Armed Man Tries To Breach FBI Office In Cincinnati #~# An armed man suspected of trying to breach the FBI’s Cincinnati field office was killed after an hours-long standoff with law enforcement, the attack coming just days after agents from the bureau served a search warrant at the home of former president Trump. What do you think?
‘We Have No Plans To Scrap The Flash At This Time,’ Says Bruised, Trembling Warner Bros. CEO #~# BURBANK, CA—Visibly shaken with fresh bruising on his face, Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav announced Friday that the studio had no plans to scrap upcoming DC Comics film The Flash at this time. “I just wanted to take a moment to clarify that The Flash will be released as planned in June 2023, despite, um, despite nothing,” said Zaslav, whose eyes darted nervously around as he dispelled rumors that the future of the film was in any kind of jeopardy. “Also, unrelated to anything, Ezra Miller is an amazing person. So talented, so kind. They would never do anything to hurt me—I mean anyone. An honest slip-up, I swear. Please don’t hurt me.” At press time, Zaslav was heard asking an off-camera figure if they would unbind his wrists now. 
FBI Sent Itemized Bill For 12-Hour Stay At Mar-A-Lago #~# PALM BEACH, FLORIDA—Faxing the government agency a detailed invoice days after a raid at the property, a Mar-A-Lago front desk employee reportedly sent the FBI an itemized bill Friday for their 12-hour stay at the resort. “Thank you for visiting Mar-A-Lago, please find an itemized invoice of your expenses attached,” said guest services agent Marie Burns, following up with a courtesy call to the FBI to confirm receipt of the more than $4,500 outstanding bill, which she reminded them must be paid within 72 hours or become subject to a 25% penalty fee every day it went unpaid. “As you can see, failing to vacate the room you were occupying before our standard 11 a.m. checkout time resulted in a second full-night charge of $2,000,  as our records indicate you remained on the premises until 8 p.m., with several members of your party milling about the golf course and club on their breaks without purchasing a visitor’s pass—valued at $350 for the day or a yearly membership of $14,000. Plus, you’ll notice a resort fee of $50 per extra person in the room beyond two adults, and our daily parking rate for the 20 armored vehicles you left with our valets. And we did have to double the cleaning fee, seeing as you all left quite the mess of boxes and papers behind. If you’d like to dispute any of these charges, you’ll have to take them up with your personal financial institution, which in your case would be Congress.” Burns went on to explain that since she didn’t know how to charge the agency for the documents they removed from the property, that would show up on the bill as “stolen towels.”
Americans Explain Why They Want Trump To Run Again #~# After an FBI raid on Donald Trump’s residence at Mar-A-Lago, many are questioning whether the 45th president of the United States should run again for office. The Onion asked everyday Americans what they thought, and this is what they said.
Doctor Not Sure How To Break News To Patient That He Born In America #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Confessing that this was always the hardest part of his job, local oncologist Dr. William Barlowe told reporters Friday that he wasn’t sure how to break the news to his patient that they were born in America. “It’s sad, but as a medical professional, I have no choice but to sit this man down, look him in the eye, and tell him that the results came back positive for living in the United States,” said Barlowe, adding that it didn’t make it any easier that his patient seemed like an otherwise healthy adult male, but had actually been battling the debilitating effects of America for decades. “I won’t lie, if we were dealing with Norway, Sweden, or Denmark, we’d definitely be having a different conversation, but the odds of him coming out alive from this type of aggressive, high-mortality country are frankly pretty low. All I can do at this point is try to make living with U.S. citizenship as tolerable and pain-free as possible. It never gets any easier.” At press time, a slightly more optimistic Barlowe went on to say that at the very least, his patient would not feel alone, as there were currently 330 million people in America suffering from being born into the exact same country.
Startling Evidence Finds Pentagon Failed To Stop Pakistani Wedding Despite Prior Knowledge #~# WASHINGTON—Calling into question the Defense Department’s tactical readiness, startling evidence released Friday revealed that the Pentagon failed to stop a Pakistani wedding despite prior knowledge that it would occur. “It’s deeply troubling to learn that top Pentagon officials knew in advance that Pakistani couple Ali Aslam and Abida Khan would pledge their love to each other at a wedding venue outside Islamabad and did nothing to prevent it,” said CREW spokesperson Katherine Antwerp of the declassified documents showing that the Pentagon had intercepted wedding invitations and guest lists weeks before the ceremony took place and failed to implement a military plan to take out any members of the procession with extreme prejudice. “It isn’t enough that Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin discussed tactical drone strike against the gathered loved ones. There were dozens of high-ranking family members in attendance who could have been apprehended by our military. Our security officers knew the wedding’s date. They knew what was on the registry. They even knew what was being served for dessert. And yet they sat idly by while these people danced the night away and gave well wishes to the happy couple. How can the American people ever trust them again?” At press time, the Pentagon had denied wrongdoing in the incident, stressing that their forces had been engaged at the time in bombing a kindergarten classroom.
Department Of Transportation Reduces Commute Times By Adding Highway Nitro Strips #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the infrastructure project would significantly cut drive times nationwide, the Department of Transportation announced plans Friday to reduce commutes by adding highway nitro strips. “These booster strips will help everyday Americans reach their office safely and in a fraction of the time by rocketing them into  nitro high-speed past any potential competitors,” said Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg, stressing that many drivers would make it to their workplaces in seconds flat after being launched from the nitro strip at 525 MPH into a loop-de-loop that then sends them careening high into the air over any traffic jams or construction delays. “For too long, the United States has looked in envy at the blue and even red nitro strips in Germany and Japan’s highway systems. Well, today, in tandem with the newly installed jump ramps and corkscrew turns, Americans can once again release an oil slick at their competitor and yell ‘yippee!’” At press time, Buttigieg had abruptly concluded the press conference after receiving a questions about the epidemic of traffic fatalities caused by American drivers crashing into explosive TNT crates.
Hungover Astronaut Wakes Up In Bed With No Idea How He Made It Back To Earth #~# ATLANTA—Nursing a headache as he tried to piece together where he parked his shuttle, hungover astronaut James Caudry woke up in bed Friday with no idea how he made it back to Earth. “Ugh, the last thing I remember, I was reconnecting a satellite cable with a few buddies from the ISS, and the next thing I know I’m face-down on my pillow,” said Caudry, realizing that he was still wearing the same spacesuit from the night before, which, judging from the smell, he had apparently pissed in at some point. “I have absolutely no recollection of ever hurtling through the atmosphere at terminal velocity and making a water landing in the Pacific Ocean or any of that. Oh, fuck, I have, like, a million missed calls from mission control.” At press time, a surprised Caudry turned over in bed to notice a sleeping alien he didn’t recall taking home.
New Study Finds Women Can Have 3 Types Of Orgasms #~# A new study has found that women can have three types of orgasms, test subjects using a bluetooth-connected vibrator to record the pelvic floor contraction patterns: an avalanche, a volcano, or a wave, with the wave motion being the most common. What do you think?
Nickelodeon Offers To Buy TV Rights To Jennette McCurdy’s New Memoir #~# NEW YORK—Claiming the trauma experienced by former iCarly star had all the makings of television gold, Nickelodeon reportedly offered Thursday to buy the TV rights to Jennette McCurdy’s new memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died. “Nickelodeon would like to submit a bid to secure the rights to Jennette McCurdy’s harrowing memoir of abuse as a child actor on our network,” said Nickelodeon president Brian Robbins, explaining that the show would kick off with McCurdy being offered $300,000 of hush money to not publicly discuss her time at Nickelodeon or the men who took advantage of her. “We really enjoyed reading about how the producer and creator of iCarly pressured McCurdy into wearing bikinis, drinking alcohol underage, and massaging her without consent, and we’d really like to share that with our young viewers. We believe the 8- to 15-year-old demographic will find the scenes about Jennette being pressured into having an eating disorder very relatable. Plus, Jennette would finally have her own show.” At press time, Nickelodeon had tapped Dan Schneider to produce.
Trump Invokes 5th Amendment In N.Y. Civil Probe Of His Business Dealings #~# Former President Trump invoked his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination during a deposition in the New York Attorney General’s probe into the Trump Organization’s business practices, a move he once claimed was a sign of guilt. What do you think?
FBI Turns Over Mar-A-Lago Documents To Dork Agent Who Loves Reading #~# WASHINGTON—Following this week’s raid on former President Donald Trump’s Florida property, the FBI reportedly turned over documents retrieved from Mar-A-Lago to a dorky desk agent who loves to read.“Have at it, dweeb, you don’t have any friends so you should be able to get through this in no time,” said special agent Franklin Hale, dumping the final box of classified presidential records all over the nerdy agent’s desk as he pushed up his thick-framed glasses in preparation to pore over the documents. “The rest of us are all too busy solving crimes and getting pussy to read all this shit, but this is agent Melvin’s bread and butter—isn’t that right, dickwad?! He eats this stuff up, this little freak is always reading through lunch. Given the nature of these sensitive documents, it was important that we rely on the only loser who could get through this much text.” At press time, the dorky FBI agent was found taking puffs from his inhaler to stave off an asthma attack.
Chicago Defends Relocating Polluting Factory To Black Family’s Kitchen #~# CHICAGO—In response to outcry among South Side residents, Chicago officials  reportedly defended Thursday relocating a polluting factory to a local Black family’s kitchen. “Despite what a few chronic complainers on the radical left say, the decision to relocate Rondell Chemical to the kitchen and dining room of the Watson family was made solely due to this being the best new site based on current zoning laws,” said Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot, adding that city consultants had determined that any detrimental effects of moving the medical chemical company’s factory to the 59th Street second-floor kitchen on the health and well-being of Chris and Erica Watson and their three young children had been largely exaggerated.“As the city changes, it simply doesn’t make sense to keep this facility in the Elston corridor, where its site can go to better use as part of an upscale shopping and apartment district. Especially when we have an ideal location for the factory right where the Watsons’ kitchen table now stands. Furthermore, enlarging the factory here will bring hundreds of new jobs to the Watsons’ home, among myriad other economic benefits. The site’s developers have assured me that any industrial runoff can go into the sink, and if there are any threats to air quality, one of the children can simply open a window to let it out. While we regret that the factory’s installation where the fridge used to be unintentionally created a food desert in the house, we need our residents to understand that we’re doing what is best holistically for the city.” At press time, city officials decided to knock the whole building down without any warning.
Vomit-Covered Man Who Shit His Pants Hopes He Didn’t Blow First Date #~# MADISON, WI—Noting he wasn’t able to secure a kiss at the end, vomit-covered man Daniel Sedona who shit his pants expressed hope Thursday that he didn’t blow his first date. “We did seem to have such a good connection before I violently soiled myself in front of her at the dinner table, so I’m just praying that it didn’t ruin the night,” said Sedona, explaining that their snappy, free-flowing banter about birth order and favorite music was probably enough to make up for the fact that he shit himself so hard that his nose started bleeding. “I keep asking myself all these questions like, ‘What if the smell hadn’t been so bad that I immediately puked all over myself and her?’ or ,’Should I have offered to help wash the bile out of her hair and dress?’ but I know that’s not productive.” At press time, Sedona mentioned that the woman wasn’t perfect either.
CEOs Warn Against The Dangers Of Artificial Intelligence #~# With artificial intelligence becoming more advanced every year, a number of high-ranking experts have begun to sound the alarm. The Onion asked several CEOs what they most feared about AI, and this is what they said.
Massive Sinkhole Opens Up In Chile #~# Chilean authorities are investigating after a massive 105-foot-wide, 656-foot-deep sinkhole suddenly appeared in the north of the country last week. What do you think?
Facebook Gave Private Messages To Police In Teen’s Abortion Case #~# A 17-year-old from Nebraska and her mother are facing criminal charges for performing an illegal abortion after police obtained from Facebook the pair’s private chat history, in which the mother says she bought her daughter abortion pills. What do you think?
SNAP Recipients Now Required To Prove Need By Eating All Their Groceries On Spot #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to better verify participants’ eligibility, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Wednesday that recipients of Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program benefits would now be required to eat all of their groceries on the spot. “Our mission has always been to help families in need, but if they’re not immediately scarfing down every morsel of food we give them, including a part of the packaging, how can we know they really need it?” said Marie Rubin, a spokesperson for the federal program, who slammed a gallon jug of whole milk onto the podium before her, along with three loaves of bread and a 55-ounce can of baked beans.  “Hungry? Prove it. It will be the responsibility of the cashier to make sure not a single crumb is left behind at checkout. Once you’re done, you’re done for the month. We’ve got to move on and feed the rest of the people. If the eggs are raw, that’s not our problem.” At press time, Rubin added that SNAP recipients would become ineligible if they weren’t able to keep their groceries down for at least five minutes.
Prison Charges Inmate $1 Per Minute For Time With Photo Of Family #~# SAN QUENTIN, CA—Advising inmates to be ready with the proper funds available in their accounts, a new policy at San Quentin State Prison  charges those in custody $1 per minute for time with a family photo, sources reported Wednesday. “As of today, it will cost $3 to begin looking at an image of a loved one, and then an additional dollar for every minute that you stare longingly into their eyes after that,” said Warden Joe Gargano, adding that surcharges were added for optional privileges like crying, sobbing, or even smiling when confronted with an image of a parent, spouse, or child. “Remember, if you spend too much time with a photo and are unable to pay, all family photo time will be permanently revoked. Also, as a reminder, there is a hard maximum of five minutes with any photo, even if it’s of a newborn baby, aging relative, or family member who has recently died. Ticktock. We don’t have all day.” At press time, several inmates at San Quentin had reportedly been given time in solitary confinement after several smuggled-in cell phones were found to contain family photos.
Conservatives React To The Mar-A-Lago Raid #~# “Fuck him. I got my judges.”
Astronaut Clearly Only Selected For Mission Because He’s Related To Moon #~# WASHINGTON—Implying that he likely wouldn’t have earned the spot without a healthy dose of nepotism, NASA crew members told reporters Wednesday that astronaut Joseph Mesic was clearly only selected for their mission because he was related to the moon. “Right from the beginning, it’s been extremely clear that Joseph was not as qualified as the rest of the crew, and only got the connection through his extremely powerful and influential father, who is an 81-quintillion-ton natural satellite that orbits earth,” said NASA Captain Trevor Anderson, adding that every other crew member had either been a doctor, a fighter pilot, or an air force commander, but Mesic’s only qualification was that he had a family connection to the moon. “Don’t get me wrong, he’s definitely talented, but it’s pretty unfair that he just gets to cut the line because his daddy is a big rock that lives in space. I spent decades training for this, but suddenly the moon’s son just waltzes in and gets to go to space? Too bad my dad wasn’t a high-ranking member of the solar system.” At press time, Anderson could not be reached for comment, as an internal investigation discovered he had only been promoted to captain after having a years-long romantic relationship with Jupiter.
New ‘BroSludge’ Company Markets Orange Guck For Men #~# CHICAGO—Touting its trendy, male-centric healthcare product, a new company called “BroSludge” debuted a marketing campaign Wednesday advertising orange guck for men. “When men need to rock and roll and hit the town, there’s nothing like ‘BroSludge’ to give you the guck you need,” said CEO Brandon Blake, who appeared in the commercial and explained that “BroSludge” was a goopy, putty-like substance for men to rub all over their genitals, but did not specify what the product functionally does. “Trust us, this isn’t like your girlfriend’s orange goo—it’s extreme ooze for extreme dudes. ‘BroSludge’ can be rubbed all over your dick, balls, asshole, taint, your balls a second time, and even your elbows. The ladies are all clamoring for a man covered in gloop.” The ad went on to specify that using “BroSludge” would stop men from ever being able to achieve erections again.
Scientist Admits ‘Space Telescope Image’ Actually Slice Of Chorizo #~# A prominent French scientist has apologized after tweeting a photo of a slice of chorizo that he claimed was a deep-space image of a “distant star” snapped by the James Webb Telescope. What do you think?
Trump Boys Thrilled FBI Seized Documents, Leaving Dozens Of Empty Boxes To Play In #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Clambering into the cardboard containers with delight the moment after agents had vacated the property, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly thrilled Monday when  the FBI seized classified documents from Mar-a-Lago and left behind dozens of empty boxes for them to play in. “C’mon, Eric, get into that space rocket, and I’ll give you a ride to the moon,” said Don Jr., urging his brother to join him in placing one of the small boxes labeled “White House: 2019” onto his head, space helmets that would protect them as they blasted off into outer space. “Weeeee! Keep pushing, Eric. Phew, we made it! Okay, now we can build a moon castle way up here to live in. You be Mom and I’ll be Dad and we’ll build it so no one can ever hurt us—not even the Apartment of Justice.” At press time, sources confirmed the brothers had tuckered themselves out and fallen sound asleep next to each other in the same box.
Kim Kardashian, Pete Davidson Break Up #~# Kim Kardashian and comedian Pete Davidson ended their nine-month relationship, reportedly breaking up due to distance and schedules. What do you think?
Relieved Trump Thought Mar-A-Lago Raid Was About All The Bodies #~# BEDMINSTER, NJ—Upon realizing the FBI had only searched his Florida home for classified White House documents, former President Donald J. Trump expressed relief to reporters Tuesday, saying that he had assumed the early morning raid of his Palm Beach resort was all about the bodies. “Thank God! When I first heard federal agents had executed a search warrant on Mar-a-Lago, I thought for sure they were there for the human remains hidden everywhere throughout the grounds of the estate,” said Trump, who explained that after he learned of the raid, he worried a warrant would be issued for his arrest on charges related to the discovery of several hundred heavily disfigured corpses belonging to business adversaries, pageant contestants, political enemies, and various others who had displayed inadequate fealty to him over the past four decades. “I just can’t believe they were there for some measly papers instead of the large pile of skulls that sits in the middle of the Grand Ballroom, or the still-decomposing arms and legs that protrude from sand traps all over the golf course. But good for me! If they want to haul a bunch of boxes out of that place while walking upon the shallow, unmarked graves of people I’ve had tortured and killed, what do I care?” Trump added that he should send a gift to the FBI, thanking the agency for removing all the documents and making room for even more bodies.
Serena Williams Announces Retirement From Tennis To Focus On Dominating Field Of Motherhood #~# JUPITER, FL—Suggesting the upcoming U.S. Open could very well be her last tournament, Serena Williams announced Tuesday she would soon be retiring from tennis to focus on dominating the field of motherhood. “I’ve had my eye on becoming the greatest mother in the world for a long time, and I have now reached the point in my career at which I must pivot to achieving that goal,” said Williams, who stated that she would be training tirelessly in her quest to cement her place among the world’s top caretakers and nurturers. “From Russia to France to Australia, no other mom will be able to compete. When you hear the word ‘mother,’ you will think ‘Serena Williams.’ Granted, there are some really promising young mothers coming up, but they won’t be a match for me.” At press time, “Tom Brady” had begun trending on Twitter as fans argued he was a way better mother than Williams.
Kim Kardashian Vows To Never Forget Incredible Publicity She Shared With Pete #~# LOS ANGELES—Claiming she would cherish the headlines they made together for the rest of her life, reality TV star Kim Kardashian vowed Tuesday to never forget the incredible publicity she shared with Saturday Night Live alumnus Pete Davidson. “The last nine months were some of the most widely publicized of my entire life, and that’s something I’ll always be thankful to Pete for,” said Kardashian, adding that while many claimed the relationship was never more than a public-relations rebound after her high-profile breakup with Kanye West, the press she shared with Davidson was “the real deal.” “As my time with Pete comes to an end, I just want to say that the increased media attention we shared will forever hold a special place in my heart. I don’t know if I’ll ever again experience the kind of coverage I had with him.” At press time, Davidson was reportedly getting his publicity tattoo removed from his neck.
Republican Senators Explain Why They Opposed The Climate Bill #~# “Policy should only be based on empirically sourced Scripture.”
Man On Deathbed Wishes He Spent More Time Going To TheOnion.com #~# NEW  YORK—Bemoaning how much time he had squandered on trivial grudges and  petty whims, local man Stefan Krawitz, 91, reportedly used his last moments on Earth telling friends and family that he wished he had spent more time  going to TheOnion.com.  “As I lie here, knowing my end is drawing near, I can’t help but wish I  had focused on the important things in life, things like the The Onion’s  consistently stellar reporting and photojournalism,” said Krawitz, his  voice reportedly growing hoarse and his eyes welling with tears as he  told his gathered loved ones that there were often stretches of wasted  weeks when he would only read one of the two daily American Voices.  “Come closer, please. I don’t know how much time I have left. My life  might be nearing its close, but I want all of you to know that you  could still spend hours every single day on The Onion’s homepage, just  clicking around between their politics, entertainment, sports, and local sections. Some of that stuff never even makes it to your social media feed. And don’t forget about their infographics.  Those might be what I’ll miss most out of everything in this world. I  don’t know what I was thinking having children and getting married when  there were always more commentary pieces and slideshows  to consume. Dear God, what have I done with all my precious hours?” At  press time, Krawitz had used his dying breath to ask his  grandchildren—and everyone who cared about his death—to navigate to The Onion’s merchandise store and purchase a Sickos mug or zip-up hooded logo sweatshirt.
Intimacy Coordinator Hired For Set Of ‘Hard Knocks’ To Ensure Safe Environment For Tackling #~# ALLEN PARK, MI—In an effort to provide more support to the athletes during the most difficult parts of filming, the  producers of Hard Knocks announced Tuesday they had hired an intimacy coordinator for the set of the show to ensure a safe environment for tackling. “Having an intimacy coordinator working closely with our linebackers and defensive backs creates a nurturing environment that focuses on player well-being during tackling and blocking scenes,” said Lions head coach Dan Campbell, watching on a closed set as Hard Knocks intimacy coordinator Kina Paulette spoke with defensive lineman Alim McNeill and running back D’Andre Swift to make sure the two felt comfortable shooting a scene in which McNeill would tackle Swift. “Having Kina on the set really makes for a more tackling-positive environment. I can’t tell you how much better [quarterback] Jared Goff feels knowing that if we want to film him getting sacked, he has the opportunity to express any concerns he has about the shot before we do it. Players feel much comfortable when we don’t have a lot of extra people hanging around for scenes that are pretty intimate, like when we have several guys tackling each other in sensitive places, or piled on top of each other. Ultimately, the scenes these guys film will be onscreen and viewed by a lot of people, so it makes sense to foster an environment of sensitivity and mutual respect.” At press time, Paulette was observed working with the Lions’ long snapper and punter before they removed their robes to film a nude punting scene.
Diner Menu Suggests They’re Open To Trying Anything Customer Wants To Do To An Egg #~# PITTSBURGH—Hinting that there were plenty of ways to satisfy one’s breakfast cravings beyond what was listed, a menu reportedly suggested Tuesday that the local Bluebonnet Diner was open to trying anything the customer wanted to do to an egg, with “nothing out of bounds.” “Look, whatever you’re into when it comes to eggs, we’re eager to accommodate your tastes,” read a block of italicized text that was located near the menu’s list of standard egg preparations —such as sunny-side up, poached, and scrambled—and that was accompanied by an illustration of a winking egg shushing the reader. “We just listed these options to get your imagination going, but the truth is, we’re game for whatever. You like it over easy, over hard? Whipped? You want to fry your own egg and have us watch? We’re into it. And if you don’t like the way we do your eggs, just let us know, and we’ll try something else. We won’t quit until you’re satisfied.” Reached for comment, a shift manager at the Bluebonnet stated that while the diner believed “rules are meant to be broken,” consuming raw or undercooked eggs unfortunately increased one’s risk of foodborne illness.
Great Britain Returns Looted Stonehenge Back To India #~# LONDON—In its most significant acknowledgement yet of the British Empire’s well-documented appropriation of cultural relics, sources reported Tuesday that Great Britain returned the looted Stonehenge monument back to India. “This ancient relic of Indian culture was wrongfully dismantled, placed upon ships by the British East India Company, and carted away to England more than 250 years ago, but today we are happy to return it to its rightful home,” said member of Parliament James Redmondberry, who, after observing it was far past time for his nation to have returned the iconic megaliths, confirmed that 52 standing stones weighing an average of 25 tons each were being airlifted from Salisbury Plain to Chennai, where they originally stood. “Stonehenge belongs with the Tamil-speaking druids who erected it as a burial site in 3,100 B.C., long before we British began colonizing the subcontinent. We hope its return will serve as both an acknowledgement of the damage our nation has caused to India and a gesture of friendship between our peoples.” At press time, Great Britain had reportedly agreed to return Big Ben, London Bridge, the River Thames, and Scotland back to India as well.
U.S. Developing Tactical Bra For Female Soldiers #~# The U.S. army is developing an Army Tactical Brassiere for female soldiers, with designers considering flame-retardant fabrics and protective materials, while also taking into account the importance of accurate sizing. What do you think?
New Public Safety Campaign Dissuades Mass Shooters With Reminder That They’re Kind Of An Obvious Choice Now #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to tamp down on the gun violence epidemic, a new public safety campaign launched Tuesday by Everytown for Gun Safety will attempt to dissuade mass shooters with a reminder that they’re kind of an obvious choice at this point. “Our ‘Been There Done That’ campaign is a way to remind potential gunmen that a mass shooting is a pretty hack decision given how often they’re in the news,” said spokesperson Geraldine Moss, who described the $35 million print, television, and web ad campaign that would feature the phrase “Another Antisemitic Manifesto? Real Original,” over an image of a troubled teen in an effort to get would-be killers to consider other options that aren’t so uninspired and boringly commonplace. “Basically, we’re saying that the early nineties were the last time you could get away with a mass shooting without coming off as a total cliché. Just look at the news. You’re not going to be the next D.C. sniper—and even if you are, you’re just going to be driven off the front page when an even bigger mass shooting comes along.” Moss added that the campaign’s website would also feature other more novel ways to express one’s rage, such as mailing anthrax to a government official or throwing a shoe at the president. 
Study Suggests Eating Jarlsberg Cheese Daily May Help Stave Off Osteoporosis #~# A new study has found that Jarlsberg, a mild Swiss-type cheese made from cow’s milk that’s rich in vitamin K2, may help to prevent bone thinning and stave off osteoporosis. What do you think?
Finest Feline Reporting: The Onion’s Most Consequential Cat Journalism #~# Full story.
Georgia Allowing ‘Unborn Children’ To Be Claimed As Dependents On State Taxes #~# Georgia has announced that residents can now claim an unborn child as a dependent on state taxes, saying any residents filing their 2022 tax returns who had fetuses with detectable heartbeats at six weeks of pregnancy can claim an exemption of $3,000. What do you think?
Americans Explain Why They Refuse To Return To The Office #~# The Covid-19 pandemic shook up office life in ways both good and bad, ushering in a new era of remote and hybrid work that has become increasingly permanent due to employee demands. The Onion spoke to everyday Americans about why they refuse to return to the office, and this is what they said.
Police Did Great Job, Police Say #~# EVERYWHERE—In response to an unfolding situation on Monday, the police did a great job, the police said. “The actions of local law enforcement could not have been better,” local law enforcement reported in a statement, the veracity of which The Onion confirmed with local law enforcement. “Every measure undertaken by our officers went completely by the book, our officers told us, and we’ve since learned from ourselves that we once again saved the day. We can confirm that you’re all safe—just ask anyone in this police department. You’re welcome.” At press time, a grand jury was reportedly convening to investigate accusations of police misconduct.
LeBron James Living Vicariously Through His Son Not Being A Once-In-A-Generation Talent #~# LOS ANGELES—Telling reporters that he planned to just savor the new dynamic, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James admitted Monday that he was living vicariously through his son LeBron James Jr. not being a once-in-a-generation talent. “Seeing Bronny out there, I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like to be a middling-to-good prospect with genuine concerns about whether I could succeed at the professional level,” said James, adding that being indisputably one of the greatest players in the game’s history meant that he had no idea what being merely pretty good at basketball must be like. “Maybe it’s not the healthiest thing as a parent, but I keep imagining myself in his shoes, being scouted but with questions as to whether I have the skills and physicality necessary to do well in the NBA. I’ve never experienced anything like that whatsoever, so it’s very tempting to pretend his experiences are my own. That said, I’m careful not to push my son too hard into becoming the decent option off the bench that I know he can be. He has to live his own life.” James added that he had spoken to his son, telling him that he didn’t want to pressure him into becoming a serviceable NBA player if it wasn’t what he wanted and that he would still love him even if he instead became a once-in-a-generation talent like his father.
Study Finds Fewer Millennials Choosing To Become Good Parents #~# WASHINGTON—In an analysis of data collected from more than 60,000 U.S. households, a new study released by the Pew Research Center on Monday found that fewer millennials were choosing to become good parents. “With an increased focus on their careers, pets, social lives, and travel, many millennials simply don’t find being a good parent as fulfilling as previous generations,” said study co-author Leta Robertson, who noted that millennials were far less willing than their parents to settle down and attempt to foster love or connection of any kind with their children. “This generation is less interested in spending their evenings at home reading to their child or enjoying a family meal at the dinner table when they could be taking a spontaneous weekend trip with friends while their child stays home alone. There are just so many more options available today, like being bad parents. Additionally, 76% of millennials described raising healthy, well-adjusted children as ‘pointless’ since they were all likely to die in the climate apocalypse anyway.” At press time, Robertson added that, similar to a trend first observed in Generation X, there was still time for millennials to become good parents after their children had finished growing up.
Grandpa Now More Open-Minded About Immigrants From Poland In 1890s #~# CHICAGO—Taking note of his aging relative’s evolving viewpoint, local 29-year-old Brett Lewis told reporters Monday that his grandfather was now more open-minded about immigrants who arrived in the United States from Poland in the 1890s. “Just a few years ago, you couldn’t talk to Grandpa without him making some remark about how Polish immigrants from the late-19th century were ruining America, but nowadays, he hardly ever brings them up as the root cause of our nation’s declining moral values,” said Lewis, who added that his grandpa’s increasing acceptance of Poles had reached a point at which the man no longer even described the ethnic group as “a plague of alcoholic thugs” upon the country. “I was with him all weekend, and he never once brought up tearing down Hull House or cleaning up the ‘Polack’ blight on Maxwell Street in Chicago. He even ate a pierogi and said it was ‘fine,’ so he’s really opened up to them.” Lewis added that his grandfather had now firmly settled on “dirty Italians” immigrating in the late-19th century to take America’s jobs and women as the real threat to the nation.
Man Choosing To See Breakup As Opportunity To Beg Girlfriend To Take Him Back #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Trying to focus on the positives of his new relationship status, local 31-year-old Ed Sanocki told reporters Monday that he was choosing to see his breakup with girlfriend Amanda MacNeil as an opportunity to beg her to take him back. “A lot of people look at the end of a relationship as a failure, but I won’t look at it like that, because I refuse to acknowledge it has ended,” said Sanocki, adding that he would use his new free time to concentrate on stalking MacNeil’s every move and trying to convince her to let him back into her life. “I just have to reframe my perspective so that, instead of seeing this latest development as a negative thing, I see it as an opportunity to tell her I’ll kill myself if she doesn’t take me back. So, it’s not an end; it’s a new beginning of me dropping down to my knees while telling her I can’t be held responsible for my actions if she continues to reject me.” When reached for comment, MacNeil told reporters that she wasn’t aware she and Sanocki had been dating.
Pros And Cons Of A Cashless Society #~# As more people use credit cards or apps instead of cash for payment, some businesses have gone cashless, and the move toward a cashless society has drawn support as well as criticism. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of transitioning to a cashless society.
Lollapalooza Security Guard Accused Of Faking Shooting Threat To Leave Work Early #~# Authorities have arrested an 18-year-old security guard who allegedly faked a mass shooting alert in Chicago’s Lollapalooza music festival to get out of work. What do you think?
Strong Jobs Report Underscores Just How Much Of A Loser Unemployed Man Is #~# DUBUQUE, IA—After a stunning report indicated some 528,000 jobs were added to the U.S. economy during July, the Labor Department confirmed Friday that unemployed local man Chris Gibson must be more of a loser than had been previously believed. “For months, we had assumed Chris was just a normal, out-of-work man who had fallen on hard times, but today’s evidence of widespread job growth underscores exactly what a worthless, pathetic sack of shit he is,” said Labor Secretary Marty Walsh, who added that unemployment had fallen to a historic, post-pandemic low of 3.5%, making it clearer than ever that Gibson was lazy, dumb, and had absolutely zero prospects for the future. “With robust job gains across almost every sector of the economy, we can only presume that Chris spends his entire day on the couch doing nothing but sleeping, eating, and watching TV. The truth of the matter is, Americans are getting hired every day, with higher salaries to boot. But not Chris. No, no, not Chris. He apparently has nothing to offer at all. God, what a fucking failure.” Walsh went on to state that should job growth continue and the nation stave off a recession, nothing would be a stronger indicator that Gibson deserves to be crushed by a lifetime of grinding poverty, eventually dying for lack of access to healthcare.
HHS Declares You Can’t Let Monkeypox Hold You Back If You Have Chance To Get Laid #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that sometimes, some things are just too good to pass up, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services declared Friday that you can’t let monkeypox hold you back if you have the chance to get laid. “Monkeypox is dangerous and highly transmissible through sexual intercourse, but when the rare and beautiful opportunity to share a night of passion with another person arises, you absolutely must take it,” said HHS Secretary Xavier Becerra, adding that while the United States was in the midst of a public health emergency, no one should by any means turn down the prospect of experiencing true, unbridled carnal pleasure if they were lucky enough to find it. “Though community transmission of this disease is spiking and, in some cases, monkeypox can be incredibly painful, I beg you, please, don’t for a second hesitate to jump into that bed, rip off all your clothes, and experience what is perhaps the greatest ecstasy we are afforded as human beings. Now, suppose the moment is right, things are getting hot and heavy, but your partner has a few pox. Who cares? This is your one shot. Take it!” At press time, Becerra had picked up his phone, sprinted away from the lectern, and said he couldn’t let some stupid monkeypox press conference get in the way of his finally having sex.
The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Have Fun In The Sun #~# Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations, because we couldn’t figure out how.
Californians Explain Why They Should Secede From The Nation #~# The controversial CalExit movement posits that state of California should secede from the United States and become its own sovereign nation. The Onion asked Californians why they supported it, and this is what they said.
Earth Spinning Faster Than Usual, Has Shortest Day Ever #~# Scientists have reported that the Earth is spinning faster, recently recording its shortest day ever on June 29, 2022, at 1.59 millisecond less than the average day, with researchers suggesting that it could eventually lead to the introduction of the first-ever negative leap second. What do you think?
Epidemiologist Blows Conch Horn After Spotting New Covid Variant Cresting Over Horizon #~# GENEVA—Taking a deep breath and sounding the alarm for all in the land to hear, epidemiologist Hans Zehnder reportedly blew a conch horn Friday after spotting a new Covid variant cresting over the horizon. “Hark, a new variant approaches!” Zehnder cried from his perch atop the World Health Organization watchtower, whose signal was received by an epidemiologist over the border in France, who in turn ran along a fortress wall to ring an enormous bronze bell that would be heard by health officials stationed in the Pyrenees mountains. “Draw the bridge! Close the gates! Prepare yourselves with PPE and the spirit of a warrior. This variant is stronger, this variant is faster—and it wants vengeance!” At press time, witnesses confirmed Zehnder had dropped the horn in shock after an entire army of coronavirus mutations had appeared on the horizon behind the variant.
Navy Spends Majority Of Boot Camp Training Recruits To Fence Using Marlins #~# GREAT LAKES, IL—Saying he was surprised by how much the maritime service branch focuses on the discipline, seaman recruit Nathan Hobbes confirmed to reporters Friday that the U.S. Navy now spends the majority of boot camp teaching its recruits to fence using marlins. “When I enlisted, I really had no idea that nearly all of my combat training would be centered on learning to fight my fellow recruits while armed with a giant fish that has a pointed, spear-like snout,” said Hobbes, who since arriving at the Navy’s Recruit Training Center has reportedly spent half of the 10-week program receiving instruction on how to prevent an 11-foot-long fish from flopping around in his hands. “I thought there’d be more focus on technical training and water survival, but it’s mainly about mastering the art of lunging and parrying with a marlin. The footwork in fencing is really important, too, because you don’t want to slip on your marlin and give your opponent an opening to impale you with their fish’s super sharp bill.” Hobbes added that while he looked forward to completing basic training, he was nervous about the upcoming overnight exercise in which every recruit must spend 12 hours inside a whale’s mouth.
Doctors Suggest Treating Back Pain With Maybe Some Kind Of High-Tech Robot Back Thing #~# ROCHESTER, MN—Indicating that an electronic spine-replacement device would drastically increase physical well-being if the technology does indeed exist, doctors at the world-renowned Mayo Clinic suggested Friday that their patients with back pain be treated with some kind of high-tech robot back thing. “It is our recommendation that anyone experiencing back problems seek out a sort of mechanized, futuristic spinal column, if such a thing is currently possible,” said neurosurgeon Russell Bates, explaining that back issues would probably be alleviated almost completely by using some type of quasi-exoskeleton, which could potentially render the user bulletproof and capable of flight in addition to diminished backaches. “I mean, it’s 2022. We are confident they’ve invented something like hyper-advanced prosthetic vertebrae made of exotic, cutting-edge materials that give users both reduced discomfort and super strength or something like that. Or maybe that’s still 100 years off. But either way, whoever gets that thing is going to see a huge quality-of-life improvement, I assume.” Bates went on to add that if the robot back didn’t exist, there was always fentanyl.
Biden: U.S. Won’t Rest Until Brittney Griner Returned Home To Serve Marijuana Possession Sentence #~# WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that he intended to make the diplomatic situation his top priority, President Biden told reporters Thursday that the United States would not rest until WNBA star Brittney Griner was returned home to serve a marijuana possession sentence. “Rest assured that we will keep our nose to the grindstone until we have word that Miss Griner is back on American soil and safely behind bars for breaking the law,” said Biden, who characterized the basketball star’s sentence of nine years in a Russian penal colony for 0.7 grams of cannabis oil as a “gross miscarriage of justice” when she should be incarcerated in a federal prison for the same thing right here in the United States. “This is an American citizen we’re talking about. She should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law in her own country for participating in the trade of illegal narcotics. Right here and now, I’m pledging to Miss Griner’s family: Brittney is coming back to America and then she’s going away for a very, very long time.” At press time, the Kremlin had reportedly indicated that they were open to a prisoner swap in which the U.S. returned a notable Russian dissidents  so that he could be placed in a Chechen concentration camp.
Alex Jones Concedes Sandy Hook Happened On Mars #~# AUSTIN, TX—Testifying as part of a defamation lawsuit in which he has been found liable for disseminating lies about the 2012 shoot shooting that took the lives of 26 people, conspiracist and Infowars founder Alex Jones conceded Thursday that Sandy Hook happened on Mars. “I admit the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School was 100% real and took place on Martian soil,” said Jones, explaining that the misinformation he spread was unintentional and occurred as a result of the extra time it takes radio signals to reach Earth from the Red Planet. “I know I said that the shooting was a hoax staged on Mercury and that those astronauts were crisis actors, but I made an honest mistake. I hope the parents of those little Martians can find it in their tentacles to forgive me.” At press time, the InfoWars website had begun selling a “Sandy Hook Happened On Mars” T-shirt, the proceeds of which it said would go to prevent future space shootings.
Kansas Votes To Protect Abortion Rights In State Constitution #~# Kansas voters have rejected an amendment that would have gotten rid of abortion protections in the state’s constitution, in the first abortion-related election since Roe v. Wade was overturned. What do you think?
Pelosi Moved By China’s Spectacular Show Of Military Force Celebrating Her Visit To Asia #~# TAIPEI—Explaining that the powerful display had left her feeling humbled and honored, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters Thursday she was moved by China’s  spectacular show of military force celebrating her visit to Asia. “Wow, I wasn’t sure how the Chinese government felt about this Taiwan trip, but throwing a whole military extravaganza in my honor makes me get the message loud and clear,”  said Pelosi, who reported being “delighted” and “really touched” when Chinese warships and helicopters appeared in full force to run military drills off the coast of Taiwan in the wake of her visit. “I know how expensive those ballistic missiles are, so I would’ve been happy with one or two. But launching 11 of them? That’s just spoiling me. Really, I  can’t thank China enough for this warm welcome.” At press time, Pelosi added that if this was the sort of hospitality she could expect from China, she would plan to come back to Taiwan next year, too.
Kylie Jenner Criticized For Taking 12-Minute Flight On Private Endangered Whooping Crane #~# LOS ANGELES—Facing backlash  for the environmental impact of her choice and for her general lack of awareness, socialite Kylie Jenner was criticized Thursday for taking a 12-minute flight on her private endangered whooping crane. “It just seems completely unfair that regular people are being asked to make all these sacrifices to reduce their carbon footprint when a celebrity like Kylie Jenner is  out there traveling incredibly short distances on her own personal migratory bird,” Twitter user Sam_Flx01 wrote in a viral thread that included a photo showing the route Jenner’s whooping crane took from Los Angeles to Santa Barbara. “These spoiled elites think they’re entitled to get places faster and with more avian majesty than the rest of us. But do you have any idea how many mollusks and aquatic plants she has to feed that thing to give it the energy to fly?  And she’s not the only one—the worst offender might be Taylor Swift, who has taken six different flights of under 20 minutes on her private peregrine falcon in the past week alone. And when she’s not riding it, she’s renting it out to other celebs. It’s ridiculous. Get off that whooping crane, Kylie, and come back down to Earth.” Critics added that using a private bird to travel such short distances was especially wasteful, as Jenner could have just as easily gone by private elephant. 
Americans Explain Why They Support Going To War With China #~# “America has a lot of pent-up aggression that needs a healthy outlet, like war.”
Airbnb Removes ‘Slave Quarters’ Listing Marketed As Luxury Getaway #~# Airbnb has apologized and taken down listings of properties that once housed enslaved people in the U.S., days after a TikTok user lambasted an “1830’s slave cabin” rental in Mississippi that was advertised on the platform as a bed-and-breakfast accommodation. What do you think?
Single Voice Emerges From Whirlwind Of Chaos In Man’s Head To Suggest He Eat Oatmeal Raisin Cookie #~# WESTFORD, MA—Rising above the maelstrom of violence and disorder perpetually raging inside the man’s psyche, a single voice reportedly emerged Thursday from the chaotic whirlwind in the head of Brad Larrick, 33, to suggest he eat an oatmeal raisin cookie. “Go to your cupboard, open the package, and eat an oatmeal raisin cookie,” the firm, resonant voice said as it cut through the howling storm of unfinished thoughts, blunted sexual impulses, and harsh self-criticism continually roaring in Larrick’s mind to state that the cookie must be eaten immediately. “Just five more steps. You’re almost there. Yes. Now put it into your mouth and chew. Good. Very good.” At press time, sources confirmed the lone voice had overcome half-heard whispers advocating murder in order to suggest that perhaps a second cookie would be in order.
Apologetic City Officials Admit Expressway Median Wasn’t Best Location For Off-Leash Dog Park #~# TRENTON, NJ—Acknowledging that a place in a residential zone might have been a better option, Trenton mayor Reed Gusciora admitted in a press conference Thursday that the expressway median wasn’t the best location for an off-leash dog park. “In hindsight, the decision to place a park for dogs to run around unrestrained in the area between the north- and southbound lanes of the New Jersey Turnpike was misguided,” said Mayor Gusciora, adding that if he had to do it all over again, he probably would have at least chosen a spot where the park wasn’t situated between six lanes of traffic traveling at more than 65 miles per hour. “I have heard concerns from constituents, and I now see the shortsightedness of having no other way to access the new dog park but to walk up an on-ramp and cross the busy expressway dodging cars on foot. Of course, now the danger seems very obvious, and for those who have lost dogs or other loved ones in oncoming traffic, we sincerely apologize, at the very least, for not installing a fence.” At press time, Gusciora announced that the expressway median would be repurposed as a new community playground. 
Man Thrown Out Of Club For Touching Stripper’s Heart #~# PENSACOLA, FL—After multiple violations resulted in the man being forcibly escorted from the establishment Thursday, sources reported that area man Stewart Quillings, 32, was thrown out of a strip club for allegedly touching a stripper’s heart. “He was told several times not to get close to the dancers, but he just kept doing it, asking them about their families and encouraging them to follow their dreams,” Escapes Gentlemen’s Club bouncer Reg Morris said of the deeply empathetic man who “got a little too friendly” with the performers as he listened without judgment to stories of their upbringings and the life circumstances that brought them to find employment as exotic dancers. “We protect our girls here. You don’t get to just waltz in and make them feel emotionally vulnerable. They’re professionals who are here to do a job, and the last thing they need is some guy from off the street giving them a bunch of warmth and compassion.” At press time, Quillings had reportedly reentered the club after learning a code word that would allow him access to a private room in the back where, for $500, he could spend an hour touching a stripper’s heart as much as he liked.
Nancy Pelosi Arrives In Taiwan Despite China’s Warnings #~# U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi arrived in Taiwan late Tuesday, becoming the highest-ranking American official in 25 years to visit the self-ruled island claimed by China, which quickly announced that it would conduct military maneuvers in retaliation for her presence. What do you think?
Men Reveal Why They’ve Decided To Get Vasectomies #~# Since the fall of Roe v. Wade, doctors have reported a marked uptick in vasectomies. The Onion asked men why they underwent the procedure, and this is what they said.
‘And I Want Your Tie Too,’ Says Sinema, Giving Biden Conditions Of Her Support For Bill #~# WASHINGTON—Pulling no punches in her negotiations with the president, Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ) demanded Joe Biden’s tie  as one of the conditions for her support of the Inflation Reduction Act, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Look, what I’m trying to say is that I’m not opposed to closing the carried interest loophole, but that tie is a pretty nice color, and I think I’d like to have it,” said Sinema, who reportedly appeared pleased as she watched the president raise his hands to his collar, undo the top button of his shirt, and begin to loosen the necktie. “What is this? Silk? Thanks. I’ve always been a sucker for stripes. And you know, while we’re at it, I want to work out of the Oval Office for a couple of months. I’d offer to let you use my Senate office, but I’m sure you can find another space. Oh, and I’m going to need your jacket, too. Why? Because I’m your God, that’s why. Did you just fucking flinch?” At press time, a nude Biden had announced he was making significant progress with the senator.
Friends Make Pact To Get Married If They’re Both Still Ugly When They’re 40 #~# SAN ANTONIO—Agreeing to go through with the plan should they continue to rate as a two or lower when the appointed date arrived, friends Laura Reilly, 31, and Josh Martindale, 32, made a pact Wednesday to get married if they were both still ugly when they turned 40. “If we both go all the way through our 30s without getting any more attractive than we are now, let’s get married,” said Martindale, clarifying that if, in the intervening years, either of them became anywhere close to average-looking, the deal would be called off. “Hopefully, I’ll find someone to take care of my hideous snaggletoothed slack jaw, and you’ll live happily ever after with a cute button nose instead of that fucked-up, misshapen thing that’s in the middle of your face right now. But if not, we always have each other. Two unsightly freaks against the world.” At press time, the pact reportedly became more likely to go through after the breakup of Martindale’s face in a bike accident.
Passenger Fined $1,874 After 2 Undeclared McMuffins Found In Luggage #~# A passenger traveling from Bali, Indonesia to Australia was fined $1,874 after failing to declare two egg-and-beef sausage McMuffins and a ham croissant, which are classified as potential high-biosecurity risk items. What do you think?
Desperate Biden Announces Halloween Will Now Happen Every Month #~# WASHINGTON—In an apparent attempt to address flagging approval ratings and daunting prospects in the midterms, a desperate President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that Halloween would now happen every month. “Let’s everybody stop worrying about gas prices, inflation, or anything like that and just have a fun, spooky time,” the commander-in-chief said as he signed an executive order confirming that the Halloween holiday would now occur on the last day of all twelve months, allowing Americans to enjoy year-round treat-or-treating, costume parties, and haunted hayrides. Biden then  handed out  miniature candy bars to gathered reporters. “It’s nice to hang up a few skeletons on your porch and keep a little plastic pumpkin filled with treats on your counter, right? Now you’ll be able to do that every month, whether on the creepy-crawly New Year’s Eve Halloween or on the Halloween that comes right after Thanksgiving. Get ready for a lot more haunted houses and bobbing for apples, folks. I hope this is what everyone wanted. I’m trying here.” At press time, Biden’s approval rating had reportedly skyrocketed to 89%.
Uber App Now Allowing Passengers To Rate Driver’s Ethnicity #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Touting new functionalities that it said would lead to vast improvements in the customer experience, Uber Technologies announced Wednesday that its ride-sharing app would now allow users to rate the ethnicity of their driver. “Once you complete your trip, the app will prompt you to give a star rating, or simply a thumbs-up or thumbs-down, in response to your driver’s ethnicity,” said Uber spokesperson Stacy Rutger, adding that the new feature also included a comment section so passengers could detail their experience with the ethnicity, whether during this specific ride or in the form of generalized thoughts and beliefs about the part of the world the ethnicity comes from. “Riders can leave feedback about what they perceive to be the cleanliness of the ethnicity, as well as how they feel one ethnicity compares to others they have encountered through Uber. They can even rate how comfortable they were with the English dialect favored by the ethnicity. But of course, drivers will be able to evaluate the ethnicity of their passengers, too, so make sure to keep your ethnic rating as high as you can!” Uber also noted it would be adding an emergency function for passengers who were made to feel uneasy by their driver’s ethnicity. 
Frustrated Fire Truck Driver Takes Another Spin Around Block After Only Open Spot In Front Of Fire Hydrant #~# CHICAGO—Having already spent 15 minutes searching for a place to park his vehicle, frustrated fire truck driver Trevor Boyce was reportedly taking another spin around the block Wednesday after the only open spot he found was in front of a fire hydrant. “It’s not worth it if I get a ticket,” said Boyce, adding that he knew as soon as he left his 40-foot-long pumper  truck blocking the hydrant, the police would probably show up and tow it. “Even if I turn my flashers on, they’ll slap me with a $150 fine. Wait, I think I see a spot up ahead—fuck, nope, it’s another hydrant.” Cursing himself for having driven to a home that was only six blocks away from the fire station, Boyce went on to complain that he should have just walked to the fire.
Trump Accused Of Burying Ex-Wife Ivana At Golf Club For Tax Breaks #~# Donald Trump’s ex-wife, Ivana Trump, has been laid to rest near the first hole of Trump National Golf Club, with tax experts saying that, if designated a cemetery, the property will be exempt from property taxes under New Jersey law. What do you think?
What To Know About Pelosi’s Taiwan Trip #~# House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s trip to Taiwan has led to heightened tensions between China and the U.S. over the island’s political status. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Pelosi visiting Taiwan.
Nancy Pelosi Assures China Taiwan Visit Part Of Bachelorette Party She Didn’t Plan #~# TAIPEI—Responding to widespread condemnation of the trip from Chinese officials, U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi issued an assurance Tuesday that her visit to Taiwan was simply part of a bachelorette party  she didn’t plan. “Believe me, I would have loved to stay in the States and do something simple like get a cabin in the Smoky Mountains, but  the other bridesmaids really thought  what Jenna would want  is a girl’s weekend in Taipei,” said Pelosi, who expressed  deep annoyance at the high cost of airfare and exhausting itinerary for the bachelorette trip and noted that she didn’t feel comfortable bringing up Taiwan’s status as a contested territory because she didn’t want to butt heads with the bride’s high school friends. “It was one of those stupid email chains with everyone randomly calling out different places, which we eventually whittled down to Nashville, Vegas, or this. But we ultimately  went with Taiwan because the maid of honor found a zip-lining Groupon in the area. Whatever. It is what it is.” At press time, Pelosi added that she was also not particularly happy about the betrothed couple’s destination wedding in Pyongyang.
Mitch McConnell Requests 50 Million Additional Gallons Of Floodwater For Kentucky Flood Victims #~# WASHINGTON—In response to the massive flooding in Appalachian mountain communities that has claimed at least 37 lives and displaced hundreds from their homes, Kentucky’s senior senator, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R), reportedly requested 50 million additional gallons of floodwater Tuesday for the state’s flood victims. “Kentucky residents have been devastated by this flooding, and Congress must immediately act to authorize the emergency delivery of tens of millions of gallons of sewage-laden water to any residents still trapped there,” said McConnell, adding that the extra floodwater would help finish the job nature started. “We are hearing reports of residents who have spent hours sitting on their roofs awaiting rescue, so this should help ensure those roofs become totally submerged and stay that way. I am also requesting an emergency 500,000 pounds of debris and rubble be airdropped throughout the affected areas. Congress must act to complete the destruction of these communities while we still can. Without this injection of supplemental floodwater, hundreds more Kentuckians could find themselves alive.” Asked what the American people could do to aid the flood victims, McConnell requested donations of rotten food, contaminated medications, and anything else that could help increase Kentuckians’ pain and suffering.
Report Finds Damn, Al-Qaeda Has A Lot Of Guys #~# WASHINGTON—Following a U.S. drone strike that killed the terrorist organization’s leader, an intelligence report released Tuesday found that damn, al-Qaeda has a lot of guys. “After rigorous analysis of al-Qaeda’s membership structure, we have found that, holy shit, they’ve really got a ton of guys,” said military analyst Peter Lampson, explaining that you take out one al-Qaeda guy and it’s like 10 more guys sprout up in that guy’s place. “It seems like we’ve killed their number-two guy, like, what, a dozen times? But there are somehow still more guys. How does that even happen? And these are just old guys. That’s not even taking into account all the new guys they got.”  Lampson stressed, however, that this recent drone strike had hopefully taken out al-Qaeda’s last guy.
Biggest Revelations From Josh Hawley’s New Book ‘Manhood’ #~# Controversial Missouri Senator Josh Hawley is releasing a new book titled Manhood: The Masculine Virtues Americans Need as a defense of masculinity and its role in American democracy. While the book won’t be released for nearly a year, The Onion was able to secure an early draft. Here are the biggest revelations in Manhood.
House Passes Bill Banning Ownership Of Tigers, Lions #~# The House has passed a bill that would prohibit keeping tigers, lions, and other big cat species as pets, and ban direct public contact like cub petting. What do you think?
Refreshingly Frank Therapist Suggests Shooting President #~# EVANSTON, IL—Expressing relief that she finally found a mental health professional whose style works for her, local woman Michelle Barrett’s refreshingly frank therapist reportedly suggested Tuesday that her client try shooting the president. “A lot of therapists I’ve worked with talk around in circles and try to guide me toward finding solutions for myself, but it’s like, if you know that murdering the leader of the free world is going to help me, then just say it!” said Barrett, adding that she felt so much lighter now that she knew there were actionable steps she could take to curb her emotions, which she likely would have never thought of on her own had her therapist not mentioned assassination as a viable outlet for her depression and anxiety. “While she of course maintained that no path to healing is one-size-fits-all, I appreciate that she skipped over all the positive-thinking psychobabble and came right out to say that all of these voices crowding my head would immediately dissipate once I had the president in my crosshairs and pulled the trigger. Now I have a material path toward wellness as opposed to all of the vaguely spiritual and internally driven work I was expected to do by my past counselors. I finally see that depression is a real sickness, and that it comes directly from the top of the U.S. government and must be eradicated by any means necessary. Like, duh! How did I not see that before?” At press time, Barrett was seen practicing radical self-care in the form of casing the White House disguised as a press contact.
Woman At That Age Where All Her Friends Getting Prosecuted For Losing Pregnancies #~# DALLAS—Resigned to the fact she was “just at that age,” local 28-year-old Kelly Morton confirmed Tuesday that yet another one of her friends was getting prosecuted for losing a pregnancy. “It’s like I can’t go a single week without another girlfriend announcing she’s facing criminal charges for a miscarriage,” said Morton, who remarked that she could not help but feel “left behind” now that half of her closest friends were moving into brand-new prison cells and starting whole new lives behind bars. “Don’t get me wrong, they’re still my best friends, but it’s like when we hang out all they want to do is talk about when they’re due in court and who the best defense attorney is. I just can’t see myself being ready to go to prison for an ectopic pregnancy until I’m 35, at least. There’s still so much I want to do on the outside.” At press time, Morton added that her whole Instagram feed was practically mugshots now.
Estonia Announces Interest In Assuming America’s Role As Global Superpower #~# TALLINN, ESTONIA—Submitting their candidacy for the rest of the world to consider, officials from Estonia reportedly announced their interest Tuesday in assuming America’s role as the global superpower. “It’s pretty clear that America really isn’t capable of being the planet’s hegemonic power any longer, so we thought, hey, why not Estonia?” said Estonia prime minister Kaja Kallas, adding that while the world’s 152nd-most-populous country that ranks 100th in GDP might not be the one that immediately springs to mind as best suited to shaping the global economic and political landscape into the future, Estonian officials felt like their country would do a good job. “For almost 100 years, the world as we know it has been dominated by a single superpower—America—that uses its financial and military might to impose its will on everyone else, so we’ve been slowly adding military capacity and making inroads into manipulating the global economic superstructure in order to show that we’ve got what it takes. We know it’s a lot of responsibility, what with toppling foreign governments and holding other countries hostage with sanctions and so forth, but we really feel like we’re up to the task. Obviously, there are other countries like China and India that seem interested as well, but we feel like Estonia is a nice non-controversial pick to control global fortunes and lead humanity into the, dare we say, Estonian Century? Now we’re just wondering who we speak to about this—do we ask the U.N.? We also have this idea for the E9, which is a group of nine global leaders run by Estonia. Anyway, it would be an honor to be considered, and honestly, if America can do it, it really can’t be that hard.” Estonian officials added that they would be happy to shadow America for a few months to gain some hands-on experience with being the global superpower while America continued to phase itself out of the role.
Swarm Of Locusts Wishes People Would Stop Assuming They’re Sent To Bring God’s Wrath #~# SHILABO, ETHIOPIA—Expressing frustration over the constant stereotypes, a swarm of locusts  told reporters Tuesday that they wished people would stop assuming they were always sent to bring God’s wrath. “It’s 2022, people—it is the height of unfairness and bad faith to assume that every time a bunch of us gather, we’re carrying out the Lord’s divine punishment for humanity’s sins,” said Echchchchch, an 8-week-old locust, adding that while it was admittedly anecdotal, every instance she’d ever seen of locusts gathering had been a benign occasion without so much as a hint of His holy retribution for the sins of the dead on the living. “All the stuff about us being plagues and harbingers of destruction gets really tiresome. Are there instances of locusts ravaging the Earth, causing all crops to die and inducing mass starvation on behalf of a vengeful God? Sure. We’re not denying that. Of course, the media likes to focus on the negative and sensationalize these kinds of stories, when most of the time we’re just assembling in large numbers and minding our own business. Honestly, it all starts with the problematic term ‘swarm,’ which carries a negative connotation. Instead of a ‘swarm’ of locusts, why not look at us as a ‘community’ of locusts, which is what we are. ‘Community Of Locusts Visits Horn Of Africa’—doesn’t that type of headline more accurately reflect a group of peaceful grasshoppers who have no interest in inflicting God’s damnation on those who can never wash away the original sin of betraying His only Son? We think it does. Most of us aren’t even religious, so cut us a break, all right?” The locusts added that it was interesting that no one ever talks about how the creatures that actually bring God’s wrath down upon the world are beds of oysters. 
Michigan Supreme Court Bans LGBTQ+ Discrimination #~# The Michigan Supreme Court has expanded civil rights to LGBTQ+ residents in a landmark decision, ruling that the definition of sex in a decades-old Michigan discrimination law includes sexual orientation. What do you think?
McConnell Reclaims Senate Majority After Convincing Dianne Feinstein She’s Always Been Republican #~# WASHINGTON—Flipping the powerful legislative body back in his party’s favor, Sen. Mitch McConnell reclaimed the Senate majority Monday after convincing Sen. Dianne Feinstein that she had always been a Republican. “I am once again proud to be the Senate majority leader and to head a caucus that includes my longtime Republican colleague Sen. Feinstein—isn’t that right, Dianne?” said McConnell, nudging the 89-year-old Feinstein with his elbow until she repeated after him that California had never, ever been a blue state and that she remained proud to serve her constituents as a member of the GOP. “You and me, we’ve been voting pretty much the same way for decades, right? Right? Remember the crime bill in ’94? Dianne here started off as a Goldwater Republican, then steadily matured into an evangelical theocrat, and actually was among the first senators to endorse Donald Trump for president—or at least that’s what she told me earlier, didn’t you? That’s right, you did. I remember, because it was right after you told me how you voted Democrat once or twice in the ’60s but quickly corrected course in time to wholeheartedly support the Nixon administration. Anyway, looks like I’m in charge again.” At press time, McConnell was seen guiding a pen in Feinstein’s hand to sign a bill completely obliterating the right for women to vote.
Shipwreck That May Have Inspired ‘The Goonies’ Discovered Off Oregon Coast #~# Volunteer archaeologists spelunking along the Oregon coast found wood from a shipwreck that researchers think belonged to a Spanish galleon that capsized in the 17th century and may have also served as inspiration for the 1985 film The Goonies. What do you think?
Parents Explain Why They Are Not Vaccinating Their Children Against Covid-19 #~# Despite widespread evidence of the vaccine’s efficacy, four in 10 parents said they would not vaccinate their young children against Covid-19. The Onion asked them why they came to this decision, and this is what they said.
Reasonable BTS Fan Only Sends Death Threats In Defense Of J-Hope #~# FREDERICKSBURG, PA—Saying she tried to keep a level head about matters like this, reasonable BTS fan Jessica Antwerp, 19, told reporters Monday that she only sends death threats in defense of lead singer J-Hope. “Look, there’s definitely a way to take fandom over the line, which is why I’ll only threaten to track down and skin alive anyone who dares criticize J-Hope,” said the college freshman, noting that she distinguished herself from the crazier fans online with her insistence that only J-Hope was her true soulmate and that she would never seek out the homes of TikTok users who criticize V or Jung Kook in order to key a menacing note like “fucker” or “die” into their car door. “Of course I would shed blood—both my own and others—on behalf of J-Hope. But the rest of the members of BTS are major celebrities who can take the heat. I also make sure to only sleep outside of J-Hope’s hotel rooms, not Jin or Suga. That would be insane.” At press time, Antwerp added that she also kept her BTS fandom in perspective by reminding herself that she would  probably only have four or five children with J-Hope once they married.
Research Suggests Most Americans One Explosion Away From Disaster #~# CHICAGO—Warning that large swaths of the population had left themselves vulnerable, new research published Monday by the University of Chicago suggested that most Americans were one explosion away from disaster. “Our findings indicate that the average American is merely a single blast away from utter calamity,” said lead researcher Claire Kruzel, explaining that Americans typically weren’t even prepared to last five seconds after being blown to bits in a fiery blaze. “It’s an extremely precarious position citizens of this country find themselves in, given that even a minor gas explosion could send them into crisis mode, let alone more significant detonations of C4 or TNT. Even something as simple as a routine checkup could leave Americans with nothing if the hospital  explodes.” At press time, Kruzel suggested Americans could safeguard themselves by abstaining from getting blown up.
Police Experimenting With Nonlethal Methods To Give Speeding Ticket #~# AKRON, OH—Theorizing there might be a way to occasionally complete a routine traffic stop without anybody dying, Ohio police announced plans Monday to begin experimenting with  nonlethal methods of administering speeding tickets. “Basically, we’re toying with the possibility that there could theoretically be a means of pulling someone over to issue a citation that doesn’t end in civilian casualty,” said Akron Police Chief Steve Mylett, reminding those in attendance to temper their expectations, as he had no evidence yet that this was even an achievable goal to work toward. “We’re the first to admit that the number of our own citizens we murder for going 10 to 15 miles per hour over the speed limit is not ideal, so we thought we’d rack our brains  for any solutions. So far, we’ve conceptualized some sort of robot that could approach a car for us, with all of us staying behind at the station, but we’re barely squeaking by on our $75 million annual budget as it is. We’re also testing out some knives on people running stop signs to see how badly it incapacitates them without killing them, but we’ve found that most officers struggle with the idea of stabbing a person only one time and then walking away. We’re still hopeful there is a way to do no more than severely maim the great people of Akron for minor traffic violations, but perhaps we are being overly optimistic.” Mylett added that his team was treating this more as a philosophical thought experiment for the time being and that, even if successful,  the peaceful methods of law enforcement would not be rolled out for many years, if at all.
White Coworkers Astonished That Black Woman’s Hair Could Miraculously Grow So Long Over Weekend #~# CHICAGO—Taken aback at what appeared to be an impossibly abrupt change in hairstyle, coworkers of local Black woman LeeAnn Hinsdale voiced astonishment Monday that her hair could grow so long over the weekend, describing the phenomenon as nothing short of a miracle. “Wow, it seemed like it was so short on Friday, but now, my God—it’s all the way down to your back!” said Dan Budkey, 56, who works with Hinsdale at Bridgemeyer Marketing Services and expressed sheer befuddlement that someone’s hair could apparently grow by a foot or more in a matter of days. “That’s incredible. What kind of shampoo do you use?  It would take me months to grow mine out that much!” At press time, all of the woman’s coworkers reportedly began asking if they could touch her hair. 
Lizzo Plays 200-Year-Old Crystal Flute Belonging To James Madison At D.C. Show #~# Singer and trained flutist Lizzo played a 200-year-old crystal flute made for President James Madison at her show in Washington, D.C., the instrument on loan fro the Library of Congress, which has the largest flute collection in the world. What do you think?
Officer Claims He Cracked Open Man’s Skull To Check For Drugs #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Insisting he had probable cause to search the 19-year-old’s braincase, police officer Patrick O’Shea explained to his precinct captain Friday that he had cracked open the skull of local man Dante Singleton to check for drugs. “Given the suspicious appearance of the head in question, I had no choice but to smash in the man’s cranium to determine whether he was in possession of illegal substances,” said O’Shea, who, as a dozen police cruisers arrived on the scene as backup, went on to state that he was forced to break apart the teenager’s head because the suspect had refused to let him check the skull voluntarily. “I had every reason to believe he could be smuggling several kilos of cocaine or marijuana in there. It’s also possible there are several tons of narcotics concealed within this man’s rib cage, and if everyone would please stand back, I would like to pry that apart too.” At press time, O’Shea was seen planting a joint in between the folds of the suspect’s brain.
Kamala Harris Briefly Ponders Stepping Across DMZ To Whatever Fate Awaits Her #~# KOREAN DEMILITARIZED ZONE—Noting that it would be so easy to transform her life in an instant, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly briefly pondered stepping across the DMZ Friday to whatever fate would await her. “Just one step: That’s all it would take and then everything would change,” said the vice president, toeing the line of the disputed thirty-eighth parallel and eyeing the heavily-armed patrols as she entertained the prospect of an entirely new lease on life. “Who would dare stop me? I would just run and run and run. And then my whole existence would be different. God, think about the headlines.” At press time, after an aide told her she was needed, Harris reportedly sighed, backed away from the buffer zone, and boarded a flight back to her Washington residence.
NFL Doctors Test Tua Tagovailoa’s Mental Acuity By Seeing If He Can Sign Indemnification Agreement #~# CINCINNATI—Checking up on the injured player after he suffered a concussion in Thursday night’s game against the Cincinnati Bengals, NFL doctors reportedly tested the mental acuity of Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa by seeing if he could sign an indemnification agreement. “Following the game, NFL medical staff immediately assessed the impact of the hit Tua took by quickly administering a multi-page agreement shielding the league from legal and financial liability related to any on-field injuries he may have suffered,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, explaining that it was a standard part of the league’s five-step concussion protocol to prevent any player suspected of suffering a traumatic brain injury from playing again until he had at least verbally assented to waive all future grounds to sue the league. “It’s simply a standard test of cognitive ability to assess whether he has any lingering symptoms, such as not being able to grip the pen or seeming so impaired that a witness might be able to testify against the league at a later date. Once doctors have cleared him to—oh, he dropped the pen again, hang on—sit down at a desk and sign his name and date to the waivers, he’ll go through several non-contact initialing drills to ensure that we have a robust paper trail before he gets back out on the field, which we all hope will be very soon.” At press time, NFL doctors had declared Tagovailoa fit for game action after he crossed his eyes in a way that meant he agreed to the indemnification clause. 
Wealthy Florida Residents Without Power Forced To Use Emergency Hand-Crank Margarita Machines #~# NAPLES, FL—With state power outages topping 2.6 million in the aftermath of Hurricane Ian, sources reported Thursday that wealthy Florida residents without electricity were forced to rely on their emergency hand-crank margarita machines. “Thank goodness our estate manager had the foresight to pack an emergency hurricane bag, or I don’t know what we’d be using use to make frozen cocktails,” Peter McDowell, 57, said as he hurried to transfer ice cubes from the nonfunctioning freezers in his main, guest, and pool houses into the manually powered drink maker. “It’s scary, it’s difficult—but if everyone in the family takes turns cranking, we should be able to maintain a solid buzz. At any given time, we have a three-month supply of tequila, triple sec, salt, and limes on hand. However, if FEMA doesn’t arrive soon with bags of fresh ice, we may have to resort to just doing shots. For the sake of my children, I hope it doesn’t come to that.” At press time, McDowell’s family had reportedly found neighbors with access to a generator and were able to get the karaoke machine back up and running.
CNN’s Chief Nihilist Correspondent Gives Perspective On Why None Of This Matters #~# ATLANTA—In an effort to provide a more expansive insight on current events, CNN Newsroom reportedly  brought on Chief Nihilist Correspondent Jean-Pierre Gauthier Friday to give  greater perspective on why none of this matters. “Thanks Ana—the real  takeaway here is that there is no inherent purpose in the universe and  human life is fundamentally meaningless,” said Gauthier, speaking  directly into the camera as he urged viewers to pause briefly and  realize that all our borders,  all our most dearly held beliefs, all our  languages, and even all our governments and religious institutions are  arbitrary specks dwarfed by the indifference of an expanding universe  that will eventually be extinguished in heat death. “Eight thousand  people could die, and it would not matter. Indeed, eight billion could  die—every last human being annihilated from this planet, and it would  make no difference. Do you see? Humans have cobbled together our values  of right and wrong from whole cloth in this uncaring cosmos, like  explorers freezing to death in some nightmarish tundra who have  convinced ourselves that some small flame of consolation might save us.  But there is no flame. There has never been a flame. It is a delusion,  an attempt to pretend that we are not imprisoned in these dying machines  of flesh and blood, sentenced to all-too-short lifetimes of misery and  disappointment at the hands of a lunatic god who has never even  existed.” After a lengthy pause, anchor Ana Cabrera reportedly thanked  Jean-Pierre and threw to a polling expert to discuss whether Republicans  still had any chance of retaking the Senate in the midterms.
What To Know About The Oath Keepers, On Trial For Role In January 6 Riots #~# Five members of the Oath Keepers, including founder Stewart Rhodes, are being tried in federal court for their role in the riots of Jan. 6, 2021. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the Oath Keepers and their trial.
Onlookers Scream As Pit Bull Clamps Down On Child’s Hoagie #~# PHILADELPHIA—Alarmed and horrified by the dog’s sudden attack, onlookers reportedly screamed Friday as a pit bull clamped down on an 8-year-old child’s hoagie. “Stop! Stop! Someone get him off,” shouted local resident Tracy Boganski,  who was out for a walk when she witnessed the off-leash Staffordshire terrier lunge at the child and sink his teeth into the freshly-baked Italian roll, causing the small boy to shriek in pain and distress. “Oh God! Get him away before it’s too late! He’s tearing into the provolone now. No, no, no, no! I can’t look. There are crumbs everywhere. Someone call the police!” At press time, the dog’s owner was striking the dog in an attempt to make him release the boy’s hoagie, to no avail.
McDonald’s To Start Offering Happy Meals For Adults #~# McDonald’s has announced it will be offering a new boxed meal for adults that will include a Big Mac or 10-piece McNuggets, drink, fries, and a collectible McDonald’s character figurine made in partnership with the streetwear brand, Cactus Plant Flea Market. What do you think?
Brett Favre Makes Amends By Sending Photo Of His Penis To Every Mississippian On Welfare #~# SUMRALL, MS—In an effort to address the backlash against his alleged participation in a massive scheme to misuse state funding, former NFL star Brett Favre on Friday was reportedly making amends by sending every Mississippian on welfare a photo of his penis. “I am sorry for what I’ve done and letting the most vulnerable people of Mississippi down, and it is my greatest hope that you’ll accept a signed photograph of my cock as my request for forgiveness,” said Favre, explaining that over the next few weeks, each of the approximately 440,000 Mississippi residents currently on welfare would receive a signed copy of one of several different photographs of his erect member. “While it may not make up for the welfare money you were expecting, this is a genuine dick pic from a Hall of Fame NFL quarterback, and would look really nice on the mantle. You could also sell it, if you’re hard up for some money, or ladies could perhaps use it to pleasure themselves, and derive some benefit from that. Ultimately, I hope that a picture of my penis will convey my deepest apologies for my actions, and that I can be back in the good graces of the great people of Mississippi.” At press time, residents across Mississippi were opening their mail to find a picture of Favre’s penis, with the handwritten signature “Sorry—Brett. P.S. u like this?”
Biden Issues Urgent Warning For Americans To Decide What To Be For Halloween Now #~# WASHINGTON—In an address to the nation in which he warned that preparations for the upcoming holiday must begin at once, President Joe Biden on Friday urged Americans to decide now what they were going to be for Halloween. “It is vital that we start making our way to a Spirit Halloween store or browsing online retailers so that we have a plan in place come Oct. 31,” said President Biden, noting that Americans would soon be faced with parties, trick-or-treating, parades, and office Halloween observances in which they would be embarrassed if they wore an unimaginative costume that was clearly thrown together at the last minute. “There are many cultural touchstones from the past year that can provide us with inspiration, whether one wishes to go as Anna Delvey, a Squid Game competitor, or a recently deceased celebrity such as Queen Elizabeth II or Coolio. Even if your Halloween preferences run toward the more traditional, such as a sexy pirate, this is a critical decision that cannot be made at the last minute, especially if you’re hoping to do a couple’s costume. How many times must we as a nation learn to plan ahead so that we’re not forced to  grab some weird hat from our closet and have some ironic costume that must be explained to every person we meet and is never funny?” Asked by reporters, Biden stated that he had in fact decided to be a sexy pirate this year. 
Biggest Harry Styles Controversies Explained #~# Despite achieving fame  as one of the biggest pop stars in the world, Harry Styles has faced backlash and criticism for a number of controversies. The Onion investigates all the times Harry Styles fucked up.
Medic Performing CPR On Dead Guy Puts On Whole Show For Family Watching #~# BAYONNE, NJ—As he counted aloud his 30 chest compressions and puffed out his cheeks to blow big breaths into the corpse’s mouth, sources confirmed Friday that area paramedic Paul Mohr was putting on a whole show for the family watching him perform CPR on their dead relative. “No! Stay with me,” said Mohr, reportedly hamming it up for the sake of his audience as he tried to convince them their loved one, whom he was ostensibly attempting to revive, had not in fact been dead for 15 minutes. “Breathe, damn you! Breathe! Your family needs you!” According to reports, Mohr then grabbed a defibrillator that wasn’t plugged in, shouted for everyone to stand back, and pretended to administer electric shocks to the motionless body, having noticed the dead man’s family was starting to lose interest.
Who Will Be The Democratic Nominee In 2024? #~# Although the presidential election isn’t for another two years, it’s never too early to drive ourselves completely insane by speculating on the nominees. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on who will top the Democratic Party ticket in 2024.
CIA Launches First Podcast #~# The CIA launched its own podcast, “The Langley Files,” with the agency saying it wants to step out from the shadows to “demystify” its spy work and boost recruitment. What do you think?
Biden Calls On Any Spirits Of Dead Lawmakers Present To Make Themselves Known After Jackie Walorski Doesn’t Answer #~# WASHINGTON—Interrupting his remarks Wednesday at the White House Conference on Hunger, Nutrition, and Health, President Joe Biden reportedly called on any spirits of dead lawmakers present  to make themselves known after the late Rep. Jackie Walorski didn’t answer him. “Please, any senators or representatives who still manifest themselves here among us, I urge you to give us a sign!” said Biden, telling the audience that he had detected the spectral presence of Walorski, who died in a car accident in August, and that he could discern from the electromagnetic wavelengths in the room, as well as the eerily cold temperatures near his lectern, that multiple other deceased lawmakers were there too. “Jackie, are you here? Where’s Jackie? Where’s [late Indiana senator] Birch Bayh? [Deceased Massachusetts senator] Teddy [Kennedy], I can sense you are close by. And I believe I feel the presence of [late South Carolina senator] Strom Thurmond, if I’m not mistaken. Strom! Strom! Speak to us, Strom! You are all among friends here, and I know that you have unfinished business here in Washington. I beg of you, come forward! Let us help you pass the laws you were unable to see through during your lifetimes. Come forth, come forth! Reveal yourselves, O phantasms!” At press time, attendees at the remarks were watching in shock as Biden began convulsing and the voice of late Arizona senator John McCain spoke through his mouth about the importance of addressing the nutritional needs of rural America.
Company Achieves 100% Retention Rate By Barricading Employees In Office #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Saying the new strategy had drastically reduced worker turnover, local consultancy firm Brandwater Solutions reported Thursday that it had achieved a 100% retention rate simply by barricading employees in the office. “Many told us it couldn’t be done in this job market, but all it took to keep our employees from leaving was pushing filing cabinets and chairs against all available exits, then sticking a crowbar into the door handles,” said HR director Ashley Simmons, who added that she had especially taken pride in the way the company had delegated to managers the task of wildly swinging baseball bats and holding back rabid hounds in front of the elevator bank in order to push minority retention rates through the roof. “It really shows the power of listening deeply to our workers, which enables us to hear when any of them are quietly sneaking toward one of the fifth-story windows in the boardroom to jump out. Whenever I get wind of those kinds of concerns, I make sure to respond personally by firing my Smith & Wesson revolver into the ceiling and screaming at the top of my lungs. That usually takes care of it.” Simmons went on to tout the 100% satisfaction rate among former employees, an achievement she credited to the precision laser sights the company kept trained on their foreheads for years after their departure.
Florida Landlord Reminds Tenants Fleeing Flood That Lease Doesn’t Include Rooftop Access #~# FORT MYERS, FL—Issuing a reminder that the building’s rules must be followed even in the most catastrophic natural disasters, Florida landlord Rick Palacio told tenants fleeing floods from Hurricane Ian Thursday that their lease did not include rooftop access. “Hello all, I just wanted to once again remind our residents that per your rental agreements, even if you are about to drown, you are never, under any circumstances, allowed on the roof level,” said Palacio, who added that he’d received reports this week of tenants illegally congregating in off-limits areas of the property, waving their arms in the air, and screaming above acceptable noise levels for help. “Unfortunately, I’ve seen numerous lease violations since yesterday, including garbage left in the front yard and unapproved personal items floating in the halls. Also, parking is not included, and all emergency vehicles parked illegally, such as fire trucks, National Guard boats, and helicopters, will be towed. Make no mistake, I will not hesitate to take action. You have been warned.” At press time, Palacio had driven his boat up to the building, screamed at several tenants that he was confiscating their security deposits, and nailed eviction notices on doors that were floating throughout the building.
Extraordinarily Dull A.A. Member Must Be Plant To Test Everyone’s Sobriety #~# NEW YORK—As the man recalled in excruciating detail his objectively normal childhood, sources attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting Thursday told reporters they suspected an extraordinarily dull member of being a plant intended to test everyone’s sobriety with his endlessly monotonous stories. “Jesus Christ, he’s been talking for 30 minutes, and he still hasn’t gotten to when he had his first drink,” whispered A.A. member Eliza Tarlton, one of many seated in the circle who were shakily lighting up cigarette after cigarette as they tried to focus on the speaker and keep their minds off how a shot of whiskey or a couple beers would instantly deliver them from the tedium. “It must be part of the program to see if you can make it through the tortuous minutiae of his whole life story without sprinting for the nearest liquor store. I’m not saying every story has to have car crashes or abuse or untimely deaths, but this guy’s so boring it’s unreal. Literally—there’s no way any real person, let alone an addict, could be this uninteresting. I may be a week away from getting my chip for six months of sobriety, but fuck this. I’m going to a bar.” At press time, the speaker’s 48-minute share had reportedly culminated in his “rock bottom,” the moment he sent his beloved mom a Mother’s Day card several days late.
Walgreens To Now Offer Baths #~# DEERFIELD, IL—Touting the service as a new option for consumers who want hygiene “on the go,” drugstore chain Walgreens  announced Thursday it would begin offering baths. “Starting next week, Walgreens customers at  9,000 locations across the United States will be able to come in and take a nice hot bath,” said  CEO Roz Brewer, adding that service options for the baths included full-body washes, hair shampooing and conditioning, facial cleanses, and shaving by a trained Walgreens employee, all completed in an hour or less. “With a basic scrub-down starting at just $14.99 and bathtubs conveniently located right in the middle of the store, our new service provides customers with the bodily freshening they need to greet the rest of the day feeling their best. We’ve wanted to offer baths at Walgreens for a long time, and we’re proud to be able to give you the opportunity to strip off those sweaty clothes, slip into a claw-foot bathtub with water heated to your preferred temperature, and take a load off while you’re cleaned, rinsed, and exfoliated from head to toe. Scrub-a-dub-dub!” Reports confirmed that Walgreens is not the only retailer branching into more immersive in-store options for personal hygiene, as 7-Eleven recently unveiled a pilot program at select locations that allows customers to sit in a sauna with the cooking meat.
Republicans Explain Why They Voted Against The Electoral Reform Bill #~# After the House of Representatives passed a bill to strengthen the presidential certification process, The Onion asked Republicans who voted against it why they oppose reforming the Electoral Count Act.
Injecting Modified Herpes Virus Shows Promise Of Killing Off Cancer Cells #~# A genetically modified version of the herpes virus that causes cold sores has shown promise in killing off cancer cells in early stage clinical trials, with one patient experiencing a complete remission of 15 months so far. What do you think?
NASA’s DART Spacecraft Successfully Collides With Asteroid #~# NASA’s DART mission has successfully slammed a spacecraft into the asteroid Dimorphos, in a kinetic impact test to redirect the space rock, which may be needed if an asteroid is ever on track to hit Earth. What do you think?
Biggest Cases Of Welfare Fraud In U.S. History #~# Former NFL star Brett Favre is currently under investigation for an alleged multimillion-dollar welfare fraud scheme in Mississippi. The Onion looks back at the biggest cases of welfare fraud in U.S. history.
Experts Say It Not Too Late To Change Careers At 50, Though They Sure As Fuck Wouldn’t #~# STONY BROOK, NY—As more Americans contemplate their employment prospects during a time when it’s becoming increasingly difficult to retire, experts stated Wednesday that it’s not too late to change careers at 50, despite the fact that they sure as fuck wouldn’t. “If you’re finding your work increasingly unfulfilling and always dreamed of doing something else, there’s nothing wrong with making that career switch, even if you’re over 50, although that personally sounds like an absolutely stupid-ass idea to us,” said Stony Brook University economist Clare Ewell, adding that there are a few notable examples of people who pivoted career paths late in life, but statistically your chances of succeeding are abysmal, which would definitely prevent her and all other employment experts from even considering something so goddamn shortsighted. “There are many things you can do that, keep in mind, we would never, ever do ourselves. For instance, you could go back to school, something we really don’t recommend. The odds aren’t in your favor, which is no reason to hold yourself back from pursuing your dreams, but it would definitely hold us back, because we’re taking an objective view of the situation and realize how shitty things would likely turn out. You could find yourself with a new lease on life, though we’re pretty sure that most people who try something like this fail miserably, so there’s no fucking way we’d ever attempt it. But what do we know? We’re just experts. And we’re sure as shit going to stay that way.” Experts added that it’s never too late to become the person you want to be, although they knew it was way too late for them, and everyone who thinks they’re an exception to the rule is out of their fucking mind.
John Fetterman Offers Voters Medical Transparency By Ripping Heart Out Of Chest #~# LANCASTER,  PA—Responding to growing demands from critics that he address ongoing concerns about his health, U.S. Senate candidate John Fetterman reportedly offered  voters full medical transparency at a rally Wednesday by ripping his  heart out of his chest. “It’s essential that we address any worries  voters have about their candidate’s fitness for office, which is why the lieutenant governor chose to tear out his still-beating heart and hold  it out for all to see,” said campaign manager Brendan McPhillips, stressing that  it was an essential part of running an honest campaign for Fetterman to  hold the pulsating organ close enough to the audience that it  splattered their shocked faces. “Frankly, we wanted to head  off any of our opponent’s ginned-up rumors about John’s health, and we  absolutely think we did that when he gasped out, ‘See? Do you see how it  still beats?’ as he grew increasingly pale and weak from blood loss. I  really believe we nipped the whole thing in the bud by the time he  collapsed onstage.” At press time, the campaign reportedly responded to  a follow-up question about Fetterman’s stroke by sending aides to saw  open the skull of the unconscious candidate.
Facebook Employees Sigh As Mark Zuckerberg Tries For 10th Time To Break Board With Fist #~# MENLO PARK, CA—With their CEO claiming he had been able to do it before when no one was looking, Facebook employees reportedly sighed Wednesday as Mark Zuckerberg attempted to break a board with his fist for the 10th time. “He keeps trying to punch through it, and he told us we can’t leave until he shows us how it’s done,” said Facebook engineer Ravi Kumar, wincing as he tried to ignore the pained screams of Zuckerberg, whose fist  hit the half-inch pine board limply and to no avail. “He clearly broke his finger on the fourth or fifth attempt, but he won’t stop trying. He insists there must be something wrong with the board. Mark needs to just give up. Sorry, I meant Mark-sensei.” At press time, sources within the company confirmed Zuckerberg had hired someone to break the board for him.
Italy Elects Most Far-Right Prime Minister Since Mussolini #~# Giorgia Meloni, leader of Brothers of Italy, a party with neo-fascist roots, has claimed victory in a general election, making her Italy’s first female prime minister and installing the most far-right government since the fascist era of Benito Mussolini. What do you think?
Man A Little Insulted By How Unthreatened Woman Walking Alone In Front Of Him Seems #~# MOUNT PLEASANT, SC—Remarking that at the very least she should have begun to fear for her safety, local man James Weir told reporters this week that he was a little insulted by how unthreatened the woman walking alone in front of him seemed. “I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help but feel a little weird about the fact that I was following a woman at night on an empty street and she didn’t once look back in fear, cross the street, or pick up the pace,” said Weir, adding that no matter how fast he walked, how much he coughed, or how much he fiddled with his pockets, the woman’s calm demeanor stayed exactly the same. “Seriously, I know I’m not the toughest looking guy, but do I really look so nice that she felt safe at 1 a.m., alone, in a weird part of town? I should at least look scary enough to have made her get out her pepper spray or get her phone ready to dial 9-1-1. Like, come on! She should be a little freaked out. I’m not that nice.” At press time, Weir confirmed that he couldn’t help but feel offended after the woman he was following turned around, told him he looked like a sweet guy, and proceeded to mug him at gunpoint.
Most Famous Celebrity Sexts Of All Time #~# They might seem polished and put together, but even celebrities get caught talking dirty sometimes. Buckle up, because here are the most famous leaked sexts of all time.
Free-Spirited Man Informed It Time To Grow Up And Stop Being Happy #~# CONWAY, AR—Faced with claims that he was too old to be living in the moment and enjoying life to the fullest, free-spirited man Daniel Lambert was informed Wednesday that it was time to grow up and stop being happy. “Look, man, I say this to you as a friend: You need to cut that shit out,” former roommate Marty Breton told Lambert, who has reportedly refused to let go of the things in life that bring him joy and is said to be content with his place in the world, failing to make the changes that would consign him to a miserable existence full of drudgery and meaninglessness. “That attitude was fine when we were younger, but for God’s sake, you’re 35! You’ve gotta start acting your age, buddy. Do yourself a favor and snap out of it before it’s too late.” At press time, sources confirmed Lambert remained in stubbornly high spirits and was continuing to embarrass himself by immaturely contemplating the sheer wonder of all the world had to offer. 
Vladimir Putin Grants Edward Snowden Russian Citizenship #~# Russian president Vladimir Putin has granted citizenship to Edward Snowden, the former NSA contractor living in exile in Moscow after being charged with espionage in the U.S. for leaking information on American intelligence and mass surveillance programs to the media. What do you think?
Experts Link Poor Posture To Accurate Understanding Of Self-Worth #~# CLEVELAND, OH—Uncovering a relationship between an arched spine and one’s innermost feelings, experts at Cleveland Clinic reportedly found a link Tuesday between poor posture and an accurate understanding of self-worth. “According to our data, there is a distinct connection between a slouch in someone’s back and a clear-eyed recognition of their own fundamental worth as a human being,” said head researcher Dr. Murray Shapiro, explaining those with lower hunches more correctly comprehend how much their life actually matters. “It’s striking how accurately you can predict whether someone truly grasps their real place on this planet by how slumped over they always are. A lifetime of bearing the knowledge of their standing in the world is also why you see many elderly with severely stooped backs.” Shapiro added that people can sometimes even be left bedridden if they get too clear a comprehension of their self respect.
FEMA Urges Florida Residents To Stock Up On Memorial Supplies #~# MIAMI—In an effort to ensure the state’s residents were fully prepared to weather the Category 3 storm, the Federal Emergency Management Agency reportedly urged Floridians Tuesday to stock up on memorial supplies. “We’re asking all Florida residents to get ready for Hurricane Ian by making sure they have plenty of headstones, urns, and flowers, because they’ll be needed in a day or two,” said FEMA administrator Deanne Criswell, who recommended that Floridians know the routes they’ll take to a funeral home and memorize the locations of the parking lots and public parks they will select for a candlelight vigil honoring the hurricane’s victims. “Please don’t put this off. It’s all going to happen very fast. Teddy bears, prayer candles, posters that have your photo printed on them along with the years you were born and died—these are  the supplies you should be keeping in your home, with enough for every member of the family.” At press time, Criswell added that it would be tragic if the storm caught residents off guard and they did not get to pick whether they’d be buried, cremated, or left in the rubble.
Biggest Revelations From New York’s Lawsuit Against Donald Trump #~# On Sept. 21, 2022, New York Attorney General Letitia James filed a sweeping $250 million civil suit against Donald Trump and three of his adult children. Here are the biggest revelations from the filing.
Shinzo Abe’s Assassin Annoyed By Lousy Seats At State Funeral #~# CHIYODA,  TOKYO—Craning his neck in frustration between the heads and shoulders  of the many dignitaries and officials seated in front of him,  42-year-old assassin Tetsuya Yamagami was reportedly annoyed Tuesday by his lousy seats at the state funeral of former Prime Minister Shinzo  Abe. “Sheesh, I get that I wasn’t the most important person in the guy’s  life, but you’d think they would have seated me a little closer than  the nosebleeds,” said Yamagami, adding that he assumed he would have at  least gotten a call-out in the eulogy for murdering the Liberal  Democratic Party leader in cold blood. “It’s not like I’m some  nobody. I shot and killed this person! And yet I’m back here with  fourth-tier celebrities and  some municipal government jerk-offs. Jeez,  maybe I can talk to an usher to see if I can get a bit closer. There are  definitely empty seats down there.” Yamagami added that he was  especially piqued by the situation given how hard it was to get in a  good shot from  up there.
Every Question For Tesla Job Candidate About Raising Baby With Elon Musk #~# AUSTIN, TX—Noting that her hiring manager seemed particularly interested in her skills as a future mother, Tesla job candidate Laurie Silva told reporters Tuesday that every question she’d been asked during her interview had been about raising a baby with Elon Musk. “I think it went well, but most of the last hour was focused on my fertility, my motherly instincts, and my interest in co-parenting with the CEO,” said Silva, adding that she was asked questions about breastfeeding, childcare, and her opinions on raising a child with an absentee father. “I guess I knew the interview would be challenging, but I definitely wasn’t ready for all the questions about the father of my children going to Mars, or sharing child support with 30 to 40 other children. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have asked about Talulah or Grimes. But they really seemed to like the fact that I was young, fertile, and white!” At press time, Silva told reporters that she had gotten the job, assuming she was ready to sign an NDA, move to Austin, and name the baby “[spaceship emoji].”
Guy On Doomed Planet Mostly Concerned With Skin Color Of People In Movies #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Sources confirmed Tuesday that local man James McDermott, despite living on a doomed planet, was mostly concerned about the skin color of people in movies. According to sources, the 36-year-old software engineer, who is an occupant of a world with a devastated ecosystem, dwindling natural resources, and a climate growing more uninhabitable each and every day, spent the majority of his leisure time debating whether certain skin tones were realistic for fictional characters who inhabited fictional worlds on-screen in films and television shows, most of which he did not watch. The shocking reports found that the man expended nearly all of his energy online debating what the correct shade of brown for actors should be, rather than feeling any sort of regard for the looming apocalypse he was taking no action to survive or forestall. At press time, McDermott had reportedly been whisked away in a hurricane.
John Cena Sets Guinness World Record For Make-A-Wish Grants #~# According to Guinness World Records, actor and professional wrestler John Cena now holds the world record for most wishes granted through the Make-A-Wish Foundation, granting a total of 650 wishes since 2002, with no one else granting over 200 wishes. What do you think?
6-Year-Old Didn’t Cause Parents’ Divorce But Didn’t Exactly Step Up To Prevent It Either #~# RACINE, WI—Offering a balanced perspective on the impending end to their marriage, local parents Alex and Rebecca Kriescher explained to their 6-year-old daughter Lucy on Tuesday that while she didn’t cause their divorce, she didn’t exactly step up to prevent it either. “Honey, your mom and I want you to know that we love you very much, and even if  you didn’t exactly do anything to help the situation, the divorce isn’t your fault,” said Alex Kriescher, stressing to the visibly emotional child that her parents would never blame her, directly, for their failed marriage and that she was, at most, complicit in the disintegration of the relationship that began 15 years ago and started getting rocky right around the time she was born. “It’s something you should never, ever feel guilty about, okay? But you also can’t let yourself completely off the hook, if we’re being honest. After all, Mom and Dad haven’t had a single goddamn moment to themselves in the past six years. Are we saying you should’ve been the one to fix our relationship issues? Not at all. But the fact that you cry nonstop every time we try to leave you with a babysitter sure hasn’t made things any easier. Not to mention all the financial pressure we’ve endured just to pay for your daycare and preschool. So perhaps we all share a little bit of the blame. Does that make sense?” Rebecca Kriescher later added that while it wasn’t her daughter fault’s that “Dad met that whore Meredith at the office,” childbirth is hell, and no couple’s sex life is ever really the same afterward.
Elton John Awarded Medal By Joe Biden For Work To End AIDS #~# President Biden has awarded Sir Elton John with the National Humanities Medal for his advocacy in the global fight against HIV/AIDs, surprising the music icon following a performance on the South Lawn of the White House. What do you think?
HR Reminds Employees In Office Relationship They Should Give HR Some Sugar Too #~# NEW YORK—Saying the policy was intended to ensure all workers felt fairly treated, Cardiff Digital’s human resources department reminded employees Monday that if they are in an office relationship, HR should get some sugar, too. “Employees in office romances should remember the deal here, which is that if you’re getting yours, HR should be getting a little something-something,” said HR director Eliza Stanton, making wet kissing noises as she patted her lap and said that any worker in such a situation could sit down right here and tell her all about their intra-office relationship. “Some kiss kiss. Some hug hug. Everyone wins. What’s wrong with that? What, you want your HR representatives getting all pent-up hearing about the spicy stuff you’re doing with your colleagues? Hey, that wouldn’t be fair. So give a little smooch to mama. Now, now, don’t be shy. You know that’s against company policy.” At press time, Stanton was reportedly urging  employees to schedule a one-on-one meeting while  moaning and slowly licking the glass door to her office. 
Struggling U.S. Military Requires Every Soldier To Recruit Additional 300 New Troops #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing how important it was for Americans to get in on the ground floor while they still could, a struggling U.S. military announced Monday that it would now require every soldier to recruit an additional 300 new troops. “If you’re interested in joining the U.S. military, you should act fast because this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to change the world and make money doing it, and I guarantee it will not last long,” said U.S. Army spokesperson Patrick Graham, who added there were tons of built-in, high-value perks for recruits as they rose through the ranks, including cash bonuses, —for the highest echelons—free trips abroad, lavish houses, and expensive sports cars. “It’s simple. You sign up. Then you recruit 300 people. Then those 300 people recruit 300 people. Pretty soon, you’ve been promoted from a recruit to a private to a sergeant. And best of all? There’s absolutely no catch! Just spend one week at boot camp and you’ll never want to leave. Seriously, that’s what happened to me.” At press time, the U.S. military reportedly came under fire after investigators discovered several soldiers had brainwashed, blackmailed, and sexually violated new recruits, and the operation was classified  a dangerous cult.
Insomnia Experts Unanimously Recommend Giving Up And Scrolling ‘The Onion’ Until Daybreak #~# CHICAGO—Evaluating a number of available treatment options for chronic insomnia, sleep experts at Rush University released a report Monday touting a unanimous recommendation to just give up and scroll The Onion’s website until daybreak. “After extensively reviewing studies on the best ways to alleviate insomnia, or any sleep disorder for that matter, our team can confidently say the most effective treatment plan is simply giving up trying to sleep and reading the award-winning journalism only available from The Onion instead,” said lead researcher Dr. Lillian Wong, stressing the importance of picking up one’s phone at the first sign of sleep interruption and navigating to TheOnion.com for the many informative and entertaining content types featured there, such as news articles, slideshows, features, and videos. “We’ve concluded that troubled sleepers should skip medications, meditation, and even changing positions—none of those are going to do anything—and rather immediately cut their losses in favor of clicking through The Onion’s vast archives over the course of several hours, basking in the blue light from the most reputable news source on the internet until their morning alarm sounds. Every sleep expert agrees it’s going to be much better to do something productive than just lie there staring at the ceiling, frustrated by your sleeplessness. In fact, our findings suggest that knowledge is far more important to the human psyche than rest, and we found hard evidence that there is no better place to acquire it than on The Onion’s website, with the second best being The Onion’s various social media pages. So there’s likely no point in closing your eyes at all anymore.”  Dr. Wong went on to stress that insomnia sufferers should still make a habit of scrolling endlessly through TheOnion.Com even if they do manage to fall asleep.
Most Glaring Times Trump's Children Have Broken The Law #~# After New York Attorney General Letitia James filed a civil lawsuit against Donald Trump and three members of his family, The Onion launched an investigation to discover what other crimes were committed by Trump’s children.
Stargazing Woman Reminded Of How Small Own Tits Are In Grand Scheme Of Things #~# MISSOULA, MT—Craning her neck and looking up to take in the full majesty of the night sky, local woman Andrea Williams reported Monday that stargazing always reminded her of how small her own tits were in the grand scheme of things. “It really helps me put my huge breasts into perspective when I consider just how tiny they are compared to the immeasurable vastness of space and time,” said Williams, who marveled at the densely lit strip of Milky Way packed with billions of unknowable stars and planets, adding that her own seemingly gigantic knockers were merely an inconsequential blip in the tremendous breadth of all existence. “I see now that no matter how enormous and overwhelming my boobs feel today, there is something much, much larger out there. Zoom out to the whole universe and, poof, an ample D-cup is basically insignificant. Whoa, that’s heavy. I mean, the colossal gazongas I can barely see over are no more than an imperceptible jiggle amid the great totality of the cosmos.” At press time, several extraterrestrials were reportedly awestruck upon spotting Williams’ massive set of cans through a telescope.
U.S. Sees Surge In STI Cases #~# According to new CDC data, the U.S. saw a sustained surge in STIs in 2021, with syphilis rates increasing by 26%, prompting health officials to call for new prevention and treatment efforts. What do you think?
Luka Doncic Spends Offseason Adding New Complaints To Repertoire #~# DALLAS—Telling reporters about the adjustments he had made to his game over the summer, Dallas Mavericks point guard Luka Doncic confirmed Monday that he spent his offseason adding a variety of new complaints to his repertoire. “The offseason is about looking for ways to improve, so I’ve been really working hard on the accuracy and placement of my hands when I’m gesturing to officials about a call they blew, and I’ve also learned a few new expletives,” said Doncic, adding that his commitment to improving his complaining game included at least 100 reps per day practicing whining to referees about a player who he believed had offensively charged him. “I’ve really been practicing getting from the scene of an alleged infraction to an official a split second faster, since every moment counts when you’re telling a ref that the call he just made was bullshit and he should reverse it. Also, I got a couple of my buddies to train with me dressed as officials so I could simulate game conditions of really getting in their face to protest them treating me unfairly. I’m confident that this season, I can take my bitching to another level.” Doncic added that he had also spent hours watching tape of some of the greatest on-court complainers of all time, including Chris Paul, Dwight Howard, and LeBron James for moves that he could integrate into his own game.
Mercedes Addresses Nazi Contributions With Reminder That Third Reich Had Notoriously High Standards #~# STUTTGART, GERMANY—Acknowledging an unsavory blemish in the company’s history, Mercedes-Benz released a statement Tuesday that addressed its contributions to the Nazi war effort with a reminder that the Third Reich had notoriously high standards for quality engineering. “We unequivocally apologize for our cooperation with the Nazis, who believed Germans were a superior race of people and deserved a superior class of automobile,” said Mercedes CEO Ola Källenius, explaining that while Axis leaders like Adolf Hitler, Hermann Göring, Heinrich Himmler, Benito Mussolini, and Emperor Hirohito could have used any car they wished, they all chose the Mercedes 770K limousine. “We cannot deny our appalling complicity with Hitler’s regime any more than we can deny the führer’s relentless, uncompromising demands for automotive ingenuity and excellence. Unfortunately, Mercedes-Benz’s craftsmanship was as brilliant in 1936—when we built a secret factory in the forest outside Berlin to build the aircraft engines that would power the Luftwaffe and enable the Blitz—as it is today.” Källenius went on to condemn the “hateful fanatics” whose desire for “sleek, well-running machines” could only be satisfied when Mercedes enslaved concentration camp prisoners to increase production.
England Exits Somber Mourning Period To Resume Joyless Normalcy #~# LONDON—Following Queen Elizabeth II’s funeral and her people’s farewell to their longest-serving monarch, sources confirmed Monday that England had begun exiting its somber mourning period  in order to resume its regular joyless normalcy. When Elizabeth passed on Sept. 8, English citizens reportedly paused their dismal everyday lives and entered a gloomy grieving period from which they were only now starting to emerge, becoming dour and wretched once again. According to reports, the melancholic mood brought on by the monarch’s death had begun to lift, and a new period of ordinary melancholy had descended on the country’s 56 million people as they went about their colorless existence with the same sadness they’d always known and felt deep in their bones. Having shed their funereal black clothing and donned once more their traditional dreary wardrobes, residents told reporters they were finally moving past the grim, cheerless conversations about what the queen had meant to England and were back to discussing their customary topics of dispiriting tedium. While they acknowledged no one could replace Elizabeth II, the English vowed to move beyond the sorrows of losing the regent who had defined the past seven decades of their existence and return to the generally demoralizing experience of living in a country racked by constant cold and rain. For their part, members of the British media announced they would be concluding their deeply stupid coverage of the queen’s passing and returning to their regularly scheduled deeply stupid programming.
Week In Review: September 25, 2022 #~# Full article.
Putin Stays Up Late Constantly Refreshing Website For Results From Rigged Elections #~# MOSCOW—Clicking back and forth between the open tabs on his web browser, Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly stayed up late Friday night, constantly refreshing a website to check for results from a rigged referendum to determine whether occupied areas of Ukraine would join Russia. “I already know what’s going to happen, but I still get super anxious waiting to see the outcomes of preordained elections,” said Putin, pacing around his bedroom for a few seconds before rushing back to the computer screen for updates on the annexation vote being overseen in a war zone by Russian authorities. “I mean, I inflated the vote counts for my side  and ordered troops to force dissenters to stay away from the polls, but I’m just a junky watching these things. Annexation is ahead now and will win by a large margin because I already have the results right here in my hand, but I still get those butterflies in my stomach like anything could happen.” At press time, Putin was screaming at officials for congratulating him before the polls closed in case they jinxed the results.
U.N. Mysteriously Disappears After Criticizing Russia #~# NEW YORK—Expressing shock and outrage at the sudden end to the General Assembly’s 2022 session, sources reported Friday that the United Nations had mysteriously disappeared after criticizing Russia. “U.S. intelligence assets received no warning that U.N. Headquarters in Manhattan would vanish completely and without a trace, and we suspect foul play is at work,” said FBI special agent Lucas Sanford, explaining that a day after Western nations on the Security Council condemned Russia’s war crimes in Ukraine, representatives from all 193 member states were nowhere to be found and unreachable by phone or email. “On the former site of the U.N. complex, we found traces of Novichok nerve agents as well as lethal levels of polonium-210, both of which could be indicative of Russian involvement. In addition, eyewitnesses on the scene confirmed they had seen hundreds of diplomats being rolled up and carried away in a big carpet.” At press time, the only missing person who had been located was Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov, who said he could not have participated in an operation to assassinate some U.N. ambassadors and transport others to a secret prison because he was grabbing lunch at Katz’s Delicatessen when it happened.  
GOP Congressional Candidate Says U.S. Suffered From Women’s Suffrage #~# Michigan GOP congressional candidate, John Gibbs, reportedly started a self-described “think tank” while in college, called the Society for the Critique of Feminism, that argued women’s suffrage negatively impacted the country and that women should not vote or work outside the home. What do you think?
Child Not Talented Enough Artist To Get Across Homicidal Ideations #~# TULSA, OK—After the drawing he made of a sinister killer wielding a knife came out looking more like a smiling kid holding a banana, it became apparent Friday that local 8-year-old Brandon McHurst simply wasn’t talented enough as an artist to convey his homicidal ideations. “I really like this one, Brandon—what gave you the idea to draw this lovely picture of a zoo?” Holly McHurst said to her son, who because of his technical incompetence, shoddy detail work, and basic lack of penmanship had failed completely in his attempt to create a convincing portrait of a dozen dead and dismembered animals rotting in an open grave. “Oh, and I love this [cartoon of a man gorging on the flesh of his decapitated murder victims], where a little boy is eating a yummy dessert! Did his mom buy him a treat from the bakery? Is that why he’s saying, ‘Pie! Pie! Pie!’?” At press time, the child only seethed with greater murderous rage after his beaming parents put his drawing up on the fridge.
The Pros And Cons Of Fast Fashion #~# Fast fashion, the trend of clothing producers replicating high-fashion designs and selling them at lower prices, has grown in recent years to become a nearly $100 billion industry, and some have criticized its consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of fast fashion.
Niemann Cheating Scandal Spirals Out Of Control As Magnus Carlsen’s Rook Found Dead #~# OSLO,  NORWAY—In a dramatic escalation of a story that has gripped the chess  world for weeks, the Hans Niemann cheating scandal reportedly spiraled  out of control Friday as one of Magnus Carlsen’s longtime rooks was  found shot dead in an Oslo alleyway. “At this time we are investigating  this as a premeditated murder carried out on Mr. Carlsen’s second most  powerful chess pieces to strike fear into his other knights, bishops,  and pawns,” said Olso Chief of Police Beate Gangås of the slain rook,  known as a castle to its closest associates, which appeared to have  sustained a lethal bullet wound from a point blank shot to its  battlements. “Unfortunately, the rook was only able to move forward,  backward, or sideways while nearby pawns looked on in horror. Otherwise,  it may have been able to flee diagonally from its assailant. This is a  very dark day for chess.” At press time, authorities confirmed that  Carlsen’s other rook had been placed into protective hiding in disguise as a king.
Chicago Constructs $33 Million Replica Of Justice System To Train Police In Tactical Jail Evasion #~# CHICAGO—Arguing that the facility could potentially help officers avoid countless years in prison, the City of Chicago reportedly constructed a $33 million replica of the justice system Friday to train police in tactical jail evasion. “With this state-of-the-art training facility, officers will be taught the latest, most effective policing strategies to successfully avoid all punishment for their various crimes,” said Chicago Police Department spokeswoman Tanya Grisham, adding that the taxpayer-funded felony-avoidance course, which was an exact replica of the Cook County Circuit Court, would feature a real-life jury, press corps, and judge that trainees would have to convince of their innocence. “In today’s modern world, our police force needs to be ready and able to be absolved of any wrongdoing, whether it be shooting an unarmed civilian, trafficking drugs, or having sex with a minor. This replica will teach officers exactly how and when to cry, feign ignorance, and even falsify evidence related to their case. Because when it comes to their own exoneration, we can’t have police second-guessing themselves. They just have to instinctively do it.” At press time, Grisham added that after the course’s success, they’d also added a $10 million courthouse protest replica where officers could practice beating hundreds of live demonstrators after an acquittal.
Experts Recommend Americans Prepare 2-3 Dance Moves In Case Excited Circle Forms Around Them #~# WASHINGTON—Saying those unable to execute a satisfying dance sequence posed a severe threat to the vibe, experts from the Department of Health and Human Services recommended Friday that every American have two to three moves prepared in the event an excited circle of clapping people formed around them. “If any individual suddenly finds themselves surrounded by cheering onlookers, it is imperative that they take the following steps: the floss, the Dougie, the Cabbage Patch, or any similar combination that, when administered, can keep the good times rolling,” said department spokesperson Zelda Tubin, adding that in extreme circumstances in which the room was almost dead, it might be necessary to drop to the floor and perform the worm in order to get the party started again. “Though many think knowing one dance is adequate, we’ve found that at least two are required, because after the first, the crowd encircling the dancer will goad them into a second by yelling, ‘OHHHHHH!!!’” Tubin went on to state that 63% of Americans lacked the robot and electric-slide skills needed to make it 15 seconds without dying of embarrassment. 
Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson #~# This November, Sen. Ron Johnson will face reelection in the state of Wisconsin. The Onion asked Wisconsinites why they are voting for the two-term Republican, and this is what they said.
48 Charged For Stealing $250 Million In Pandemic Funds Meant To Feed Needy Children #~# United States authorities charged 48 people in Minnesota with conspiracy and other counts in what they said Tuesday was the largest pandemic-related fraud scheme yet, stealing $250 million from a federal program that provides meals to low-income children. What do you think?
Man At Strip Club Buffet Pays Extra To Get Private Time In Backroom With Buffalo Wing #~# PEABODY, MA—Saying he was looking forward to a more up-close-and-personal experience, local man Todd Hampton reportedly paid extra at the Déjà Vu strip club buffet Friday to get some private time in the backroom with a buffalo wing. “Oh yeah, ever since I stepped in the club I’ve had my eyes on this pretty little number,” said Hampton, licking his lips as he asked a nearby bouncer how much time $150 would buy him in the darkened VIP  backroom, where he would be allowed to bring to life his wildest fantasies with the Sriracha-glazed wing. “They’ll let you do anything back there: whatever sauces you want. No napkins necessary. You can even nibble on the bone. Christ, this is gonna be hot.” At press time, a visibly embarrassed Hampton was seen rushing out of the backroom early with a large obvious stain on his pants from ranch dressing. 
New York Attorney General Sues Trump Family For Business Fraud #~# New York’s Attorney General filed a lawsuit accusing former President Donald Trump and three of his grown children of flagrantly manipulating property valuations to deceive lenders and to reduce their tax liability. What do you think?
‘I’m Mr. Q The Pedophile Or Whatever,’ Trump Says In Half-Assed Attempt To Pander To QAnon #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Addressing a rally this week with a lazy attempt to appeal to his supporters, former President Donald Trump said, ‘I’m Mr. Q the pedophile or whatever,” in a half-assed attempt to pander to QAnon. “Yeah, that’s right, it’s me, Mr. Q, the pizza demon, and I have kids in my basement and who knows what else,” Trump told the crowd before trailing off into several seconds of dead silence during which he reportedly tried to remember the exact details of discredited conspiracies accepted as fact by a significant portion of his base. “Sir Q, the reaper of Washington, and I am going to drink a kid’s blood or something. You guys remember me, JFK’s cousin who works with the secret cabal—does that sound right? What about UFOs? Do people like the UFOs? I’m so letter Q spooky!” According to reports, Trump went on to confuse his audience  by claiming his water bottle was filled with Kodachrome. 
Who Will Be The Republican Nominee In 2024? #~# Although the presidential election isn’t for another two years, it’s never too early to drive ourselves completely insane by speculating on the nominees. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on who will lead the GOP ticket in the 2024 presidential election.
Americans Explain Why Dark Money Should Be Allowed In Elections #~# Political nonprofits spent more than $2.4 billion in undisclosed cash during the 2020 election cycle, and this week, a bill that would require them to begin disclosing their donors is expected to fail in the Senate. The Onion asked Americans to explain why they support dark money.
Beyond Meat Executive Accused Of Biting Man’s Nose #~# An executive of vegan food products company Beyond Meat has been charged with felony battery and making a terroristic threat after a brawl outside a football game in which he’s accused of biting a man’s nose. What do you think?
Mysterious Black Janitor Annoyed To Be Wasting His Folk Wisdom On White Man Asking Crypto Advice #~# SEATTLE—Expressing frustration that his ageless insights were being utterly squandered by the overeager mid-level executive, a mysterious and potentially supernatural Black janitor was reportedly annoyed Thursday to be wasting his folk wisdom on a white man asking for crypto advice. “I cannot believe that every time I shuffle in here, lean up against my broom, ask ‘What troubles your mind, young man?’ and stare at him with a glint in my eye that suggests an ethereal, otherworldly quality, he just goes, ‘Do you think Ethereum is ever going to go back up to where it was?’” said office custodian Mr. Remus, who whistled as he cleaned the halls, pausing to explain that crypto concerns were a waste of his knowledge, and that he certainly knew a thing or two since he had been around for some time now—couldn’t say exactly how long, but quite some time indeed. “He must have some kind of struggle he’s going through that involves life, love, friendship, or something like that. Those things I can help with, but when he asks about blockchain assets, I just have to shrug and tell him to go to CNBC.com. He keeps asking about the best NFT investments, and  I have to come up with some generic riddle like, ‘Well, some things you give, and some things you take, but not everything you take is worth what you gotta give.’ For God’s sake, I’d even be willing to help him cope with his past demons through golf, if that’s what he wanted, but all this guy does is talk about his Coinbase portfolio.”  At press time, the janitor simply told the man he sure had a whole lot to learn and then shook his head before walking around the corner and inexplicably disappearing.
Police Apologize For Tasing Innocent Man They Meant To Shoot #~# BALTIMORE—Calling the incident “a heartbreaking and unforgivable error” that they would investigate thoroughly, the Baltimore Police Department apologized Thursday for tasing an innocent man that they meant to shoot. “This morning, what was supposed to be a routine traffic stop turned tragic when an officer accidentally subdued a man with nonlethal means instead of shooting him in the chest multiple times,” said police spokesperson Gregory Hansen, adding that the officer in question had immediately been placed on paid leave, as there was no excuse for allowing an innocent man to get away from that kind of encounter alive. “Although body camera footage clearly indicates the officer was reaching for his gun with a clear intent to kill, he mistakenly used a Taser instead, thus inflicting far less damage. Needless to say, this officer feared for his life, so anything besides making a snap judgment and senselessly killing the suspect was absolutely the wrong call. We will never allow this to happen again.” At press time, law enforcement officials added that they were thankful the Taser had at least managed to induce a heart attack and leave the victim hospitalized for the foreseeable future.
Cackling Garry Kasparov Wins Another Chess Match Against Roomba #~# NEW YORK—Rejoicing over his latest triumph, renowned grandmaster and political activist Garry Kasparov reportedly cackled Thursday upon winning yet another chess match against the Roomba that cleans his Upper West Side apartment. “And checkmate! You’ve been foiled again, my dear fellow,” the former world chess champion said after his fifth straight win against the cleaning robot, which accidentally knocked several of its own pieces off the board and was outwitted numerous times by its human opponent throwing bread crumbs on the floor to distract it. “Even though you resorted to cheating and vacuumed up my Queen, I have triumphed once more! I guess robots aren’t so smart after all. But if you keep practicing, and focus more on strategy instead of just scattering pieces all over the room, you could still pull out of this losing streak.” According to sources, Kasparov became dejected when the Roomba’s battery died midway through the next game, but his spirits recovered following his decision to challenge the KitchenAid mixer to a long-awaited rematch. 
Woman Pepper Spraying Assailant Makes Sure To Save Enough For Rest Of Walk Home #~# ST. LOUIS—Careful to be not be overzealous as she discharged the canister of Mace into her assailant’s eyes, local woman Myra Shaw was reportedly trying to save enough pepper spray for the rest of her walk home on Wednesday evening. “It doesn’t take a lot—just enough until he drops the knife,” said Shaw, who appeared alert but unperturbed by the sight of the strange man staggering across the sidewalk while howling in pain and rubbing at his eyes in between halfhearted attempts to slash her. “Hmm, it usually doesn’t take that long for them to run off. That last guy hightailed it in seconds. Oh well, he’s down on his hands and knees now, that’ll have to do. Better safe than sorry! I would hate if something bad happened. Only five more blocks to go!” At press time, Shaw was hoping the well-lit sidewalk on the next block meant she would only have to face one or two assailants.
New York Subway To Install Security Cameras In All Train Cars #~# Gov. Kathy Hochul (D-NY) says the Metropolitan Transportation Authority will install security cameras in every train car in order to reassure riders about the safety of New York City’s subways in the wake of high-profile shootings. What do you think?
Best Moments From Hillary And Chelsea Clinton’s Apple TV Show ‘Gutsy’ #~# Gutsy, an eight-part docuseries starring and produced by Hillary and Chelsea Clinton, aims to shine a light on bold, brave women. Here are the best moments from the new Apple+ show.
USDA Approves Genetically Modified Purple Tomato #~# The U.S. Department of Agriculture has approved a genetically modified purple tomato, the pigment coming from chemicals called anthocyanins which give blueberries, blackberries, and eggplants their purplish hues, clearing the path for the unique fruit to be sold in American stores next year. What do you think?
What To Know About The Spotted Lanternfly Invasion #~# Officials in multiple states have put out orders to kill spotted lanternflies on sight. The Onion answers common questions about the spotted lanternfly and its presence in the U.S.
More Cities Now Providing Special Disposal Bin For Cursed Artifacts #~# SEATTLE—In a nationwide survey published on waste management, University of Washington researchers confirmed Wednesday that more U.S. cities are now providing citizens with special disposal bins for cursed artifacts. “Enchanted talismans and hexed amulets can have damaging effects if their black magic seeps into the environment, which is why cities have supplied new bins allowing for their proper disposal,” said report coauthor Prateek Sandoval, explaining how these accursed items from ages past are dangerous to throw into landfills as they can often cause junkyard dogs to develop supernatural powers, or end up in the ocean where their magic pollution awakens ancient beasts like  the Great Leviathan. “When placing just a single cursed totem into regular recycling bins, some residents will see the dead rising out of their front lawns, which is why it’s important to have these enchanted bins on every corner. Charmed items take eons to decompose, as many of them were crafted by huge malevolent deities long before the time of man. Make sure to thoroughly wash these cursed items before placing them in the bins as well, as this helps prevent any spectral residue from making the artifacts combine powers to bring about the apocalypse.” At press time, researchers demonstrated the proper method of using the disposal bins while chanting a protection ritual and sacrificing a goat. 
Premium DraftKings Feature Lets User Select Players To Have Legs Broken By Goons #~# BOSTON—Touting the offering as a path to even bigger winnings from daily fantasy football picks, sports gambling app DraftKings unveiled a new premium feature Wednesday that lets users select players who will have their legs broken by goons. “Gain an edge over the competition by picking a starting running back for our official DraftKings thugs to take care of in the locker room before the game, and then reap the benefits when his backup—whom you’ve smartly put money on—rises to a starting role,” said DraftKings CEO Jason Robins, demonstrating to reporters how the app could be used to select up to one quarterback, two running backs, two receivers, and a tight end who would then have their kneecaps smashed, ribs kicked in, or fingers broken by goons. “For a fee, DraftKings will dispatch men armed with lead pipes and burlap sacks filled with nickels to locker rooms of your choice and put certain players out of commission. All you have to do is put your money on the defense that will be suddenly be facing an offense fielding a team of second-stringers, or on the backup wide receiver who will suddenly be awarded starting snaps. Then you can beat out your competitors when your picks have an unexpectedly great game—unexpected to everyone but you, that is. We understand our users want to make bets they feel strongly about, and with our humble service, DraftKings will make your desired outcome, shall we say, a little more certain.” In related news, competitor sports gambling app FanDuel was reportedly working with the NFL on a bounty program that would let users select  players to injure other players during games.
104-Year-Old Man Awarded WWII Medal Just To Be Nice #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing fondness for the kindly centenarian, Secretary of the Army Christine Wormuth announced Wednesday that 104-year-old Harold Deacon, who never served in the military, would be awarded the World War II Victory Medal just because it seemed like the nice thing to do. “Though he was not drafted and never enlisted in the armed forces before, during, or after the Second World War, we honestly can’t think of any good reason not to give the medal to a guy who’s been around as long as Mr. Deacon has,” Wormuth said of the lifelong Salina, KS resident, adding that while he may not have fought in the European or Pacific theater, the war had been hard on the home front, too, and that as a member of the Greatest Generation, Deacon had lived through quite a bit, even the Great Depression. “Harold has seen a lot in his time. Maybe not combat, but a lot. Besides, Veteran’s Day isn’t far off, and when people meet a guy born in 1918 being pushed down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, they’re going to want to see a medal on his chest. Everyone probably assumes he’s a vet anyway, so what’s the harm?” The Army secretary went on to defy anyone to take a look at the adorable old fellow and tell her they didn’t want to pin a few military decorations on him right this second. 
U.S. Landlord General Announces Plans To Fix Constant Flooding Sometime In Next Few Months #~# WASHINGTON—Assuring  the nation that he would get around to it as soon as possible, U.S.  Landlord General Todd Sloboda told the nation Tuesday that he planned to  fix the constant flooding sometime in the next few months. “Yeah, sorry  about all the flooding—it’s definitely on my radar, and I told my guy  about it,” said Sloboda, speaking at a press conference in which he  stressed to all 44 million renter households in the United States that things had been really hectic  and he would do his best to fix everything in the order that it came  to his attention. “Unfortunately, the sump pump that I need is  back-ordered through at least November. Until then, I’d advise against  storing anything on the floor. I can also send my son over with some  towels to throw down on any problem spots. You remember Greg, right?  Anyway, not ideal, but it is what it is.” At press time, Sloboda added that to cover the repairs he would have to raise the rent on all 44 million units once  their leases were up.
Study Finds Falling To Knees And Screaming To Sky Remains Best Way Of Forsaking One’s God #~# OXFORD, ENGLAND—Researchers from the University of Oxford published the results of a new study Tuesday that found falling to your knees and screaming toward the sky remained the best way of forsaking one’s god. “According to our study, we found that subjects who shouted ‘Damn you!’ with their faces directed upward were able to best express that God had abandoned them and, in turn, that they would abandon God,” said Henry Bancroft, co-author of the study in the current issue of The Journal Of Theological Studies, adding that the method was narrowly trailed by rending one’s garment in the pouring rain. “The results are especially effective when combined with shaking one’s fist and howling in agony. Watching the sand slip through one’s fingers as a metaphor of all that has been lost may also boost efficacy. This of course changes much of what we previously assumed about clutching the corpse of one’s only son.” At press time, Bancroft confirmed that getting blasted by a single bolt of lightning was still the best way of being smote by one’s god.
Nearly All Of Puerto Rico Without Power Due To Hurricane Fiona #~# Hurricane Fiona, a Category 1 storm which made landfall Sunday and also caused widespread flash flooding and mudslides, has plunged almost all of the island of Puerto Rico into a blackout, with around 3 million people left with no power and many without water. What do you think?
38-Year-Old Man Still Careful Not To Say Anything Former Middle School Bully Would Disapprove Of #~# OVERLAND PARK, KS—Explaining the sound rationale behind his decision not to read in public or wear purple-colored shirts for the past quarter century of his life, local 38-year-old Lee Coffey confirmed Tuesday he was still careful not to say anything his former middle school bully would disapprove of. “I always say ‘hey’ instead of ‘hi’—I said ‘hi’ once when I was 13, and he didn’t drop it for a week,” said Coffey, who closed his blinds and turned down the volume on his TV every night so that nobody who might happen to be passing by, including Will Moyer, his former childhood tormentor who now lived over 300 miles away, would discover he was watching anime. “My real name’s Leslie, but I haven’t gone by it in over 25 years, since Will Moyer said it was a girl’s name. I also haven’t cried in that long either, not even at my dad’s funeral. That was hard to do, but you never know who might see, and then they’d call you gay! Oh God, you don’t think he’ll read this, do you?” At press time, Coffey was checking Moyer’s social media to confirm he still lived in another state.
Far-Right Republican Wondering What He Has To Do To Get Media To Stop Calling Him Moderate #~# WASHINGTON—Wondering if anyone had even looked at his voting record, Rep. David Hoffman (R-NC), a far-right member of Congress, reportedly wondered Tuesday what he had to do to get the media to stop calling him a moderate. “No matter how much hateful and extremist rhetoric I use, the media refuses to stop calling me a centrist Republican,” said Hoffman, adding that even liberal pundits referred to him as a “rare voice of reason” within the GOP despite his votes to strip healthcare from millions, inhumanely detain migrants at the border, and impose harsh sentences for minorities who commit nonviolent crimes. “I’ve worked in my district to curb voting access among Black residents. I’ve claimed the 2020 presidential election was stolen, ignoring the fact that I won reelection on the same ballot. I honestly don’t know what else I can do. I mean, do they want me to choke an immigrant to death with my bare hands? I will.” At press time, the media had described Hoffman as a consensus builder after he introduced a bill to execute any woman who receives an abortion.
Worm Feels Conflicted About Feasting On Monarch Who Symbolized So Much Oppression #~# BERKSHIRE, ENGLAND—Troubled by the immense pleasure it derived from the flesh of such a polarizing figure, a local worm told reporters Tuesday that it felt conflicted about feasting on a monarch who symbolized so much oppression. “Granted, I’m not literally supporting her by burrowing into her decaying body and devouring the meat inside, but it still somehow seems like I’m complicit with the mass suffering the British Empire perpetrated under her reign,” said the soft-bodied legless larva, who noted that few of its fellow worms seemed to be considering the ethical implications of feeding on the corpse of the 96-year-old figurehead of Great Britain’s violent colonial legacy in North America, Australia, Central New Zealand, Asia, and Africa. “Sure, she’s delicious, but what about the rape and plunder of indigenous communities across the globe? This is the queen of an imperial power that caused so much pain and suffering that many developing nations who were under its boot still haven’t recovered. And this is still going on—just visit the British Museum and look at all the stolen artifacts. Why should I get to profit off the fact that nearly a century of royal banquets made her corpse into one of the most mouthwatering meals I’ve ever consumed?” At press time, the worm had taken another bite of the deceased regent and confirmed that all this overthinking had just ruined the whole thing.
Shoplifter Always Gets Little Adrenaline Rush After Stealing Basic Necessities For Family #~# SAN ANTONIO, TX—Remarking that nothing made her feel more alive than walking out of a store with unpaid items, shoplifter Jessica Thatcher told reporters Tuesday that she always got a little adrenaline rush after stealing basic necessities for her family. “I don’t know what it is, but nothing gets my heart pounding faster than when I go into a store, open my backpack, and fill it with things that my children and I cannot afford and need to survive,” said Thatcher, adding that what started as a fun game of stealing baby formula for her infant quickly escalated to a full-on addiction to pilfering more valuable things like diapers, soap, and medicine. “I know it’s wrong, but once I got a taste of providing basic items like food and water to my hungry children, I really couldn’t stop. I guess I just get this sick, twisted thrill from not watching them starve. Maybe I need help.” At press time, Thatcher expressed relief that she would finally be on the road to recovery after being sentenced to two years in prison for stealing a single loaf of bread.
Airbnb Owners Explain Why They Oppose Regulations #~# In response to mounting complaints about noise, disorderly conduct, parking, and a lack of housing, many cities are considering implementing regulations on short-term rentals. The Onion asked Airbnb owners what they thought about that, and this is what they said.
Study: Christians May No Longer Be U.S. Majority By 2070 #~# A new Pew Research Center study has found that Christians will make up less than half of the U.S. population by 2070, as Americans raised Christian continue to disaffiliate from their religion. What do you think?
Scientists Announce Earth’s Sewage No Longer Drinkable #~# WASHINGTON—In the first comprehensive, global survey of its kind, an international team of chemists published a study Tuesday in the journal Environmental Science And Technology that found the Earth’s sewage is no longer drinkable. “After collecting wastewater samples from more than two dozen industrialized nations, we have determined that around 100% of the world’s sewage currently contains dangerous impurities and is unsafe for human consumption,” said biochemist and study co-author Ashley LaRusso, explaining that sewers across the world had become contaminated with extremely high levels of bacteria, and if their contents were ingested, a person come become gravely ill. “These results held true regardless of whether the untreated sewage was obtained from a municipal sewer, from a septic tank, or from tapping the drainpipe directly below the toilet in one’s home. Unfortunately, it is now unsafe for anyone anywhere to descend into a manhole, dip an empty glass into whatever they find down there, and take a big drink of it. We as human beings have failed catastrophically in our stewardship of the planet’s sewers.” LaRusso went on to state that while more research was needed, at the present time she saw no reason to discontinue the popular pastime of swimming in raw sewage.
Grizzled Old Man Caught Off Guard Hasn’t Heard That Name In A Long Time #~# HAVANA, CUBA—Freezing with his whiskey neat raised to his lips as a stranger addressed him from behind, a grizzled old man caught off guard Tuesday reportedly hasn’t heard that name in a long time. “Well, well, well, I haven’t heard that name in 50 years,” said the disheveled, gray-haired man who went only by “Don” these days, placing his glass onto the bar before slowly turning around to get a look at the person who had asked if he’d “seen Abigail Beaufort around lately.” “Where did you hear a name like that, son? I don’t know who you are, but I never knew anyone called that. Ask around, I’ve been living a quiet life here a long time. Oh, Bradley sent you, did he? Nice try—everyone from Project Blackbird is dead, I’d made sure of that. So, want to tell me why you’re really here?” At press time, Don had told the bartender to keep his seat warm while he showed his new friend here something in the parking lot.
1,000-Year-Old German Choir Admits Girls For First Time #~# The Regensburger Domspatzen, a German choir founded in the year 975 for boys and young men, is now accepting girls into its music school for the first time, though they will perform in a separate choir. What do you think?
Martha’s Vineyard Residents React To DeSantis Flying Migrants To Island #~# After Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis sent two planes of migrants to Martha’s Vineyard, The Onion asked local residents how they felt about the new arrivals to their posh community.
Reverend Delays Queen’s Funeral Few More Minutes To See If Even One Person Shows Up #~# LONDON—Deciding to give it just a few more minutes, the Very Rev. Dr. David Hoyle, dean of Westminster, reportedly delayed Queen Elizabeth II’s funeral Monday to see if even one person would show up. “It’s a shame with a lot of these older folks, virtually forgotten by their families, and all of their friends are already gone,” said Hoyle, who tapped his foot and checked his watch as he scanned the empty pews of Westminster Abbey, hoping just one relative or neighbor would attend the deceased 96-year-old’s official state funeral. “This is even worse than when her dad died and only a few church ladies came. I don’t have much on my agenda today anyway. The next service isn’t until 6 o’clock. Well, I guess I’ve given it long enough. Let’s get on with it.” At press time, reports confirmed Hoyle was reading the Holy Scriptures before a couple of French tourists who had wandered in to see the architecture.
Top Issues Of The 2022 Midterms #~# The 2022 midterms are fast approaching, and a range of pressing issues will determine whether Americans will reelect a Democratic Congress or hand congressional control to Republicans. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans to find out which issues will be dragging Americans to the polls in November.
MTA Announces Train Delayed Due To The Beautiful Randomness Of Life #~# NEW YORK—Reflecting on the whimsical, capricious nature of existence, a Metropolitan Transportation Authority announcement advised commuters waiting on a subway platform Friday morning that their train had been delayed 25 minutes due to the beautiful randomness of life. “They’re funny, aren’t they, the fickle ways of this world? One minute, you’re having an unremarkable day, on your way to work like any other, but the next, the Manhattan-bound train is running nearly half an hour behind schedule because of an unplanned service disruption,” an upbeat male voice said in pre-recorded announcement played over the subway intercom, urging impatient commuters to ponder how the mercurial vagaries of the human experience had led them to this moment in which an unexpected delay would make them extremely late for work. “That’s just the way the universe unfolds sometimes. The majestic chaos of our reality reminds us that we can’t always control the public transit systems in our lives, and that’s okay. Just think, one tiny flap of a butterfly’s wing can sometimes lead to a drunk man falling onto the tracks and electrocuting himself on the third rail, the very situation MTA crews are currently working to address.” At press time, sources reported the eccentric cosmic accident had continued until many of the commuters on the A-train platform had been docked pay for their missed work or fired for their tardiness, which would reportedly lead some to experience a peculiar phenomenon of the universe known as eviction.
Everything Listed In The Queen’s Will And Where It’s Going #~# Queen Elizabeth II, who died this month at the age of 96, had very deep silk pockets. The Onion examines the matriarch’s will and who in the British royal family shall inherit all of her expensive shit.
Biden Negotiates Tentative Deal To Avert Rail Strike #~# Narrowly avoiding a strike, White House officials negotiated a tentative deal with railway unions that would allow workers to take off unpaid time for medical appointments without penalty. What do you think?
Airbnb Owner Outbid On House By Family That Just Going To Use It As A Home #~# BEACON, NY—Expressing frustration at the absolute waste of the property, Airbnb owner Ben Hobbs told reporters Monday that he was outbid on a house by a family that was just going to use it as a home. “I wanted to fix up the place and rent it out to tourists at a premium nightly rate plus fees, and all this family is going to do is use it as their primary source for shelter and warmth,” said Hobbs, adding that he was sick and tired of losing out on new revenue streams to people who only want to plant roots and watch their children grow up. “This was going to be my 20th property, and I was hoping to spend the rest of my life making passive income here. It’s a disgrace to see more and more of these families pushing hardworking Airbnb owners like myself out of the market just so they can put a roof over their heads, which they won’t even use half the time because they’ll be at work or in school for most of the day.” Hobbs added that he would be strongly advocating for laws to restrict properties to short-term rentals in order to avoid unfair practices like this in the future.
Dying Polar Bear Has To Admit Owning A Private Jet Would Be Fucking Sick #~# SVALBARD, NORWAY—Explaining it “totally got the appeal, catastrophic environmental consequences aside,” a dying 8-year-old polar bear reportedly admitted Monday that owning a private jet would be fucking sick. “Aw, man, I have to be honest, I would trade all the glaciers in the world to show up to Vegas in one of those sweet things,” said the young polar bear, its fevered imagination enthralled with the images of sleek leather seats and all the champagne it could drink as it wandered the desolate landscape in a futile search for food. “Fuck, we’re talking Monaco, Tokyo, NYC. Saint-Tropez one night, Shanghai the next. Just jet-setting across the globe like a billionaire baller. Bel Air to San Fran in less than an hour. The food’s supposed to be great, too, I heard you can get, like, paella and shit. Damn. I get it. Sure would be nice.” At press time, the polar bear added there was a reason that Jeffrey Epstein had one.
Very Important Man One Of The Main Guys Where He Works #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Virtually everyone with knowledge of the individual in question corroborated reports Friday that a very important man is one of the main guys where he works. “That guy? Yeah, you’ve got to respect that guy, since he’s super important, one of the top guys in the whole place,” said someone who knows the guy, confirming that the guy gets paid top-guy bucks. “He’s such a main guy that he only ever talks to the other main guys. He’s always involved in the important meetings making the decisions that really matter. There aren’t many guys above him in the pecking order, that’s for sure. I don’t even think he really worked his way up from being an insignificant guy, either—as far as I know, he’s always been one of the top guys. Before he was one of the top guys at where he works, he was one of the top guys at where he went to school, and you probably get used to that sort of thing. His whole family is really important, actually. His dad was definitely one of the main guys, and his grandfather, well, talk about a main guy. They all worked at the same important place, too, doing really important things.” At press time, the very important man was cited as one of the main guys in multiple charges of embezzlement and financial fraud.
Week In Review: September 18, 2022 #~# Full article.
Brits Take Turns Mourning Atop Queen’s Bucking Casket #~# LONDON—Paying solemn respects to their long-serving monarch, thousands of Brits reportedly lined up Friday to take turns mourning Queen Elizabeth II atop her bucking casket. “As is customary, the queen will lie in state for four days, allowing the public a personal, one-on-one moment to bid farewell, for as long as they can stay on top of Her rootin’-tootin’ Majesty,” said a Westminster Hall official, noting that while the line to ride the casket was five miles long at the moment,  it tended to move quickly because most mourners only managed to last four to six seconds before they were thrown off the wildly rocking hydraulic coffin. “So far the record is a meager 18 seconds, but it will mean so much to Elizabeth’s grieving subjects to have the chance to saddle up and give ’er hell. Both local and international cowpokes are gathering in the U.K., eager to show off their riding chops as they bid adieu to a remarkable woman. Many local vendors are offering complimentary flowers and small trinkets for visitors to hold with the hand that must remain in the air as the other grips the casket, lest their remembrance be disqualified.” At press time, the royal family announced that, as a token of their gratitude, whoever stayed atop the queen the longest would be awarded a coupon for a free 72-oz. Texas porterhouse at Monday’s state funeral.
Patagonia Founder Donates Company To Environmental Nonprofit #~# Patagonia founder Yvon Chouinard has given away the company, worth $3 billion, to a nonprofit and trust that will use all future profits to fight climate change, stating, “We’re making Earth our only shareholder.” What do you think?
U.S. Approves Billions To Fund Struggling Russian Military #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide much-needed aid for the demoralized troops, the United States government approved billions in assistance Friday to help fund the struggling Russian Armed Forces. “This emergency infusion of cash and weapons is imperative for the survival of Russia’s military, which is at risk of being entirely completely decimated by Ukraine,” said President Joe Biden, arguing that the United States had a moral obligation to support the Russians, who after months of skirmishes and military occupation were on the verge of crisis. “These soldiers are wasting away out there without any support, and America will not stand idly by. It’s easy to think of this as someone else’s problem, but these are real people, ordinary men and women desperately trying to stand up for their country. We won’t turn our backs.” At press time, the U.S. response had reportedly inspired many Americans on social media to update their profile pictures with Russian flags.
Greg Abbott Sends Hundreds Of Migrants To DeSantis’ House To Teach Him Lesson About Stealing Idea #~# AUSTIN, TX—Citing a lack of originality in the Florida governor’s decision to ship displaced Venezuelans to Martha’s Vineyard this week, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott sent hundreds of migrants to Ron DeSantis’ house Friday to teach him a lesson about stealing other people’s ideas. “That was totally my thing first, and now he’s acting like he came up with this way to mislead, humiliate, and abuse immigrants all on his own?” said Abbott, who immediately ordered authorities to round up impoverished migrants and bus them to the home of his potential rival for the GOP presidential nomination as punishment for DeSantis copying his idea to exploit human beings by moving them around the country like pawns. “He could’ve just thrown them in prison instead of plagiarizing someone else’s signature move. And don’t act like it’s any different because he used planes instead of buses! I want the credit. I want voters to know this whole method of completely wrecking immigrants’ lives  was my brainchild.” Reached for comment, DeSantis said he only resorted to the political stunt after he first floated an idea to separate migrant children from their parents and put them in cages, a plan that led to him receiving a cease-and-desist letter from Donald Trump’s attorneys.
Aaron Rodgers Downplays Rough Start As Normal Ups And Downs Of Massive Global Conspiracy #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Downplaying his team’s 23-7 week-one loss to the Minnesota Vikings, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Friday the rough start to the season was just part of the normal ups and downs of a massive global conspiracy. “Look, things didn’t break our way last Sunday, but that’s the reality when you’re living in the inescapable grasp of a shadowy cabal of entrenched elites who decide everything before it happens and control our movements,” said Rodgers, who attributed his own lackluster performance—throwing no touchdowns and one interception—to the regular difficulties of getting adjusted to a new season in a world where a surveillance system run by malevolent rogue actors is constantly working to interfere with your psychological grip on reality and leave you unable to process anything but fear. “We weren’t really able to establish a consistent passing game in the face of the Vikings defense and the global military-industrial complex, so credit to both of those entities for bringing the pressure. We just have to focus on what we control, which is basically nothing in light of the massive hegemonic system that is ultimately judge, jury, and executioner to us all, and get those wrinkles ironed out before week two. Do I expect us to execute the passing game to be better this Sunday? Yes. Do I think our defense has been infiltrated by lizard people who are in thrall to the deep state and potential double agents of the Chicago Bears? Also yes. But ultimately you’ve just got to take it one game at a time.” Rodgers added that he hoped for a more positive result in this weekend’s game against the Bears, but understood that a lot of dominoes had to fall for the global conspiracy to exercise its agenda in favor of the Packers, and the receiving corps also needed time to develop into a cohesive unit.
Biggest Royal Scandals Under Queen Elizabeth’s Reign #~# Throughout her 70-year rule, Queen Elizabeth II presided over countless scandals involving Parliament, the Crown, and, most notably, her own family. Here are the biggest controversies that occurred under the late queen’s reign.
Blackout Drunk Man Reasons That More Alcohol Could Only Make Him Feel Even Better #~# CONCORD, NH—Concluding that more drinks must equal more fun, local blackout drunk man Kyle Baits told his fellow patrons at Tandy’s Pub on Friday that consuming more alcohol could only make him feel even better. “It stands to reason that if alcohol has made me feel this good already, then continuing to drink should allow me to experience greater feelings still,” said Baits, wiping his mouth on a shirt covered in mixed-drink spills and stumbling over to the bar to order another round. “Now, it may be possible that I’ve reached a point of diminishing returns whereby a few Jäeger bombs on top of all that blended scotch may not make me feel noticeably better. But it certainly won’t make me feel any worse. I’m already having the best night of my life, after all, and some tequila shots or this thing called an Irish trash can could make it even better. My future self will thank me.” After he had been sent home in a cab, a reportedly validated Baits was found urinating on his open laptop and repeatedly pressing the return key in an attempt to make it flush. 
Kangaroo Kills Australian Man In Rare Fatal Attack #~# A man in southwest Australia was killed by a wild kangaroo he kept as a pet, making it the first fatal kangaroo attack in the country since 1936. What do you think?
Flight Attendant Reminds Passengers Seat Belt Can Be Used As A Strangulation Device #~# NEW YORK—During a preflight safety briefing Friday, crew member Allison Kwan reminded passengers aboard a Delta flight from LaGuardia to St. Louis Lambert that their seat belt could also be used as a strangulation device. “In the event of an emergency, you can unbuckle your lap restraint, tie it around your seatmate’s neck, and restrict their air flow until they have fully asphyxiated,” said Kwon, who demonstrated the  technique by tightly securing a lift-lever belt beneath the chin of a fellow flight attendant and miming a violent choking motion. “If the belt fails to finish them off, please reach beneath your seat and locate your life jacket, which, if properly inflated, can also function as a suffocation device. We do ask that you please wait until the fasten seat belt sign is turned off before forcibly choking off the airway of anyone around you.” Once the flight was airborne, passengers reportedly forgot everything from their safety briefing and instead began bashing one another’s heads into the tray tables in front of them.
Silk Introduces New Milk Alternative Made From Blended And Strained Cattle #~# BROOMFIELD, CO— Calling the product the perfect addition to their line-up of soy, almond, and cashew milks, Silk introduces a new milk alternative Friday made from blended and strained cattle. “Unlike normal milk, ours is lactose-free—no dairy, all cow,” said Shane Grant, CEO of Danone North America, who stated that the company’s initial run of the product would come in both sweetened vanilla and unsweetened gristle flavors. “We start by roasting whole cattle to bring out their natural flavor. Then, we ground up their bodies and blend it with cold water. Finally, we strain it, and the resulting product is a delicious, nutritious drink that’s high in protein, all without a single drop of dairy.” At press time, Grant added it took approximately four ground cows to make each gallon of the product.
Referees Call For Replay To Admire Great Call #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Declaring a play stoppage and hurrying over to the booth, a group of NFL referees reportedly called for a replay Thursday night to admire a great call. “Oh man, you guys gotta see this—that pass interference call was so perfect,” said head referee referee John Hussey, who high-fived and congratulated his fellow officials during the game between the Los Angeles Chargers and Kansas City Chiefs. “Here, I’ll play it again. Damn, that’s an instant classic! You see how the side judge picked up on it instantaneously and threw that flag with authority? Let’s roll that tape and watch it one more time. Wow, just beautiful.” At press time, the referees announced that they needed to contact the review center in New York so that the league’s instant-replay officials could see the incredible call too.
Roger Federer Hopes Career Inspired Little White Boys To See Themselves Playing Tennis #~# WOLLERAU, SWITZERLAND—Announcing his retirement after a decorated career as one of his generation’s best players, Roger Federer told reporters Thursday he just hopes his career inspired little white boys to see themselves playing tennis. “Sure, the Grand Slam titles and millions in prize money are great, but the real reward has been giving young white boys from suburban enclaves the opportunity to watch someone who looks like them compete at tennis’s highest level,” said Federer, adding that he hoped to serve as a role model by showing white male youths that they can be themselves on the court and succeed in tennis without having to compromise who they are. “If I can inspire even one Caucasian boy in a gated community in Virginia, a wealthy suburb of Sydney, or a tiny mountain town in Switzerland to pick up a tennis racket because he saw me on television, that’s a good enough legacy for me. It’s like I say to my friend Rory McIlroy all the time—some things are bigger than any one tennis match or golf round, like seeing the smile on a white youngster’s face as he realizes that his sports dream could actually be within reach.” Federer also announced that while he is stepping away from competitive tennis, he will remain active in fostering interest in the sport by funding athletic organizations that empower affluent white boys to get involved in tennis.
Lindsey Graham Proposes Nationwide 15-Week Abortion Ban #~# Senator Lindsey Graham introduced a bill that would ban abortion nationwide after only 15 weeks, a politically risky strategy that’s dividing Republicans as backlash grows over the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. What do you think?
Black Homeowner Receives Higher Appraisal After Displaying Pictures Of Klan Members #~# HOUSTON—Explaining that he was both shocked and offended by how vast the price difference ultimately was, local Black resident Terrence Russell told reporters Thursday that he’d received a higher appraisal on his home after displaying pictures of Klan members. “It’s unfortunate, but the value of my home skyrocketed after I took down photos of myself and my family, and instead put up various photos of the Ku Klux Klan,” said Russell, adding that the appraisal actually jumped $300,000 after he hung white robes in the master bedroom closet, placed Mein Kampf on his bookshelf, and draped a Nazi flag over the mantle. “Customers, especially white customers, think one thing when they see a Black family, but think quite another when they see several handsomely framed portraits of a grand wizard. Ultimately, it’s about being able to see themselves in the home. And without multiple photos of David Duke, a lot of them can’t.” At press time, several white customers had reportedly gotten into a fierce bidding war after Russell hung a noose from a tree branch in his front yard. 
Brett Favre Defends Use Of State Welfare Money To Build Shelter For Homeless Volleyballs #~# HATTIESBURG, MS—Defending his decision to divert millions in government funds to a sports center at the University of Southern Mississippi, Brett Favre told reporters Thursday that he actually used state welfare money to build a shelter for homeless volleyballs. “Sadly, the media is accusing me of stealing money from the poor, when in reality, I was using that money to construct volleyball courts to help some of the most vulnerable and disenfranchised sports equipment in our state,” said the former NFL quarterback, adding that the $5 million sports complex was specifically designed to give Mississippi volleyballs a safe environment where they could rest, find a support system, and, someday, with hard work, maybe even make it to the Olympics. “As a proud Mississippian, I promise  all these welfare funds will be used appropriately to provide nets and courts to the poorest volleyballs in the nation’s poorest state. Many of these less fortunate volleyballs have led difficult lives in which they have been bumped and spiked into submission. Today, with the help of these funds, maybe the volleyballs can heal.” At press time, Favre blasted the release of text messages between himself and former Mississippi Gov. Phil Bryant, claiming that a volleyball at the welfare office had assured him everything was above board.
Queen’s Casket Visited By Thousands Of Ex-Lovers She Took After Her Husband’s Passing #~# LONDON—Ranging in age from as old as 97 to as young as 16, the queen’s casket was reportedly visited Thursday by thousands of ex-lovers she took after the death of her husband Prince Philip. “I could never hold her down—I always wanted to, but I never could,” said 42-year-old software engineer Bryan Sweney, who represented just one of thousands of inconsolable paramours recounting heated one-night stands and torrid two-week trysts in the queue that stretched outside Westminster Hall, which experts estimated extended for nearly seven miles. “God, those were the best nights of my life. No one else’s touch could ever compare. She really is the queen that got away. I would like to get my jumper back though.” At press time, a miles-long brawl had broken out in the line after a mourner claimed the queen had been in love with him and him alone.
Ken Starr’s Family Finds Note Ordering Them To Frame Monica Lewinsky For His Death #~# HOUSTON—Gathering to mourn the loss of their family patriarch, Ken Starr’s relatives reportedly found a note near his deceased body Thursday ordering them to frame Monica Lewinsky for his death. “Beloved Alice, children, in the event of my death, please immediately transfer all blame and suspicion to you-know-who,” read part of the message affixed to a 465-page report tucked underneath his pillow, explicitly naming his family members as independent counsel on the matter of his death, granting them expansive investigative powers to find whatever they could on a young former White House intern named Monica Lewinsky, whom he suspected of being involved in some manner of seduction leading up to his final moments, and to not relent until they could connect her directly to his passing. “I don’t care if it takes upwards of four years to compile evidence and ends up extending far outside the scope of the initial purpose—you get Lewinsky on tape admitting fault for my demise by any means necessary, and then get the information out to the American people. They deserve to know who they’re dealing with! Call up friends of hers, family members, old boyfriends, whomever, and get them on the record saying she knowingly fiddled with my surgeon’s tools ahead of my operation, assuming that’s how I died. If I got my brains bashed in with a hammer, she did that too! Find orderlies who place her in these halls in the last 24 hours, preferably in a blue dress stained with my blood. Congress will be expecting your call.” At press time, Starr’s family had also uncovered a video he recorded before passing stating that if anything bad happened to him, his former client Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking victims were likely to blame.
The Most Fit Celebrities Reveal Their Workout Regimens #~# Do you ever wonder how to overcompensate for your lack of intellectual depth or interesting personality by getting the beautifully toned body of our hottest celebrities? The Onion sat down with the most fit celebrities around to get the lowdown on their workout regimens.
Embarrassing Mistakes Every College Freshman Makes #~# No one is more calm, composed, and collected than a drunk 17-year-old living by themselves for the first time. If you’re a college freshman, here are the most embarrassing mistakes you should try to avoid making.
New Subway Menu Items Testing Poorly With Focus Group Of Swarming Maggots #~# MILFORD,  CT—Saying the results had been disappointing given the demographic’s past love of their products, Subway announced Thursday that its  new slate of menu items had been testing poorly with a focus group of  swarming maggots. “Unfortunately, we’ve got consistent negative feedback  from our typical test group of writhing maggots,” said company  spokesperson Kyle Shannon, noting that the squirming fly larvae had given  especially low marks on flavor, ingredient quality, and texture to the  Supreme Meat and All-American Club sandwiches. “Many of the legless grubs didn’t even try to finish their Turkey Cali subs. That’s a real letdown  given that we designed this new line of subs with the particular tastes  of maggots in mind. We’ll still launch the subs, of course, but we were  hoping for better news.” Shannon added that the only good news that  came out of this was a young grub who compared The Champ chicken  sandwich’s meat favorably to the taste of a rotting deer corpse.
John Lennon Killer Denied Parole For 12th Time #~# Mark David Chapman, who is serving a 20-year-to-life sentence for fatally shooting John Lennon in 1980, has been denied parole for the 12th time, having sought parole every two years since 2000 when he was first eligible. What do you think?
First Mate’s Solution To Everything Battening Down The Hatches #~# INDIAN OCEAN—Stressing that the seafaring officer often failed to consider the full gamut of countermeasures, sources aboard the HMS Alcott confirmed Thursday that first mate Langston Bridges’ solution to everything seemed to be battening down the hatches. “With all due respect to the first mate, half of our crew is suffering from scurvy and his suggestion to batten down the hatches isn’t going to help with that,” said shipmate Frederick Quigley Taylor, noting that this added to a growing list of problems that the naval officer would immediately respond to with a call to batten down the hatches, including the depleted food stores, generally low morale, and the captain’s daughter dying of typhoid. “Sometimes I won’t even get halfway through explaining what’s gone wrong and suddenly he’s loudly shouting to the whole crew that we need to ‘Batten down the hatches, post-haste!’ What the hell is that? It’s like he thinks that by controlling the hatches, he can control his life. Meanwhile, the second mate acts like he can solve everything by raising the mainsail. Fine advice in some situations, but if I’m asking him about my wife’s infidelity, that’s pretty useless.” At press time, Taylor confirmed that the hatches were really too battened down, if anything.
Cop Getting Tired Of Driving Dylann Roof To Burger King For Lunch Every Day #~# TERRE HAUTE, IN—Complaining about the most annoying aspects of his job, local police officer Eliott Ringer told reporters Thursday that he was getting tired of driving Charleston church shooter and current death-row inmate Dylann Roof to Burger King for lunch every day. “I wish this dude would vary things up a bit, but every day—every single day—I find myself in the drive-thru ordering Dylann a Double Whopper with fries again,” said Ringer, a member of the Terre Haute Police Department who picked up Burger King for Roof in the aftermath of the 2015 mass shooting that left nine Black parishioners dead, and who had been transferred from the Charleston precinct as part of Roof’s plea deal with federal prosecutors when Roof was incarcerated at the Terre Haute federal prison, from where he still takes Roof out to lunch on weekdays. “He never shares his fries, either. There’s a Wendy’s and a Popeye’s in the area, too, even a Five Guys, but no, it’s always, always Burger King. I can’t believe I accepted the transfer up here; if I knew I’d be stuck paying for his Burger King meals every day, I never would have done it. I thought we were going to be exploring the local food options in the area, you know, having fun, but all he wants to do is eat his Burger King in silence and go back to prison. I mean, it’s getting embarrassing—all the cashiers there know his order by heart.” The fed-up officer added that one of these days, he was just going to give Roof the keys to his police cruiser and tell him to drive to Burger King himself. 
Twitter Whistleblower Testifies Over Company’s Major Security Failures #~# Testifying before the Senate, Peiter “Mudge” Zatko, Twitter’s former head of cybersecurity, alleged major security vulnerabilities and oversights, including that the company suffered a significant breach about once a week in 2020 and employed Chinese agents. What do you think?
FDA Recalls Thing You Just Ate #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Citing recently discovered health hazards associated with the product, the Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday a recall of the thing you just ate. “Due to a concern regarding potential contaminants, the FDA is recalling the piece of food that, mere seconds ago, you placed in your mouth and began to chew,” said agency commissioner Robert Califf, adding that the thing now moving from your esophagus into your stomach could contain listeria, salmonella, E. coli, tiny glass and metal fragments, botulinum toxin, or various food-borne diseases yet to be classified by science. “We are using every means at our disposal to remove from circulation the product that may result in high fever, severe headache, stiffness, nausea, abdominal pain, arthritis, miscarriage, aneurysm, or sudden death, and that is currently being digested and entering your bloodstream. While it is, as of this very moment, too late to induce vomiting or stop the spread of this highly virulent pathogen and/or chemical nerve agent into every cell of your body, we ask that your return any remaining portion of the food to the store from which it was purchased.” At press time, FDA officials were reportedly shaking their heads in disappointment after finding out that you just kept eating it anyway.
Professor Invites Student Over To House For Private Ethics Violation #~# SWARTHMORE, PA—Hinting that she would greatly benefit from some one-on-one manipulation, local English literature professor Darren Emerson reportedly invited one of his students over to his house Wednesday for a private ethics violation. “You’re one of my top students, and as such, I’d love to have you over so we can chat, discuss your progress, and forever violate the trust between student and teacher,” said Emerson, adding that he could only abuse his power so far in class, and some time alone away from lecture would really allow him to intimidate, exploit, and control her better. “It might sound unorthodox, but I really think a few hours alone without your classmates or other witnesses will allow us to more deeply explore some very interesting and dangerous moral quandaries. Frankly, I see a lot of potential in you as someone whose academic career I could totally and completely destroy. Why don’t we discuss it over a glass of wine and really delve into a grey area?” Emerson went on to give the student his personal phone number, but told her to keep it hush-hush so the other students currently pressing charges against him didn’t get jealous.
Psychologists Baffled By Iowa Woman Who Posted Thank-You Message To Queen Elizabeth #~# CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Noting that she exhibited no other signs of illness that would  indicate a psychotic break, mental health experts told reporters Wednesday they were baffled by local Iowa woman Terri Francis, who last week posted a thank-you message to Queen Elizabeth II on social media. “After studying Terri’s brain chemistry and her family’s medical history, we are no closer to understanding why she, an 56-year-old American woman, posted a heartfelt, emotional tribute to a recently deceased British monarch,” said psychologist Nancy Yates, who, in collaboration with dozens of top  behavioral health experts across the country, proposed that perhaps early-onset dementia, schizophrenia, or a large brain tumor could be to blame for the mother of three posting a 600-word Facebook tribute that espoused her love for a 96-year-old queen with whom she had absolutely zero connections. “In the aforementioned post, she called the late queen a ‘hero,’ said she’d prayed for England and the entire royal family, and repeatedly stated that she had spent the entire night crying. Given that she’s lived in Iowa her entire life, has never left the United States, and has no British heritage whatsoever, we believe Terri may be experiencing a full-on break from reality and urge her to  seek help immediately.” At press time, Yates and her colleagues unilaterally recommended the Iowa woman be involuntarily committed after finding evidence that she had been collecting plates adorned with Queen Elizabeth’s face for decades.
Friends So Grateful To Have Morally Perfect Woman Around To Correct Them #~# BOSTON—Questioning  what they would do without her profound guidance, friends of  local 33-year-old Taylor Huntsman reportedly expressed deep gratitude Wednesday  for having the morally perfect woman around to correct them. “It’s  incredible that whenever we falter, even in the slightest, we have  Taylor—a person who has never made a single mistake in her life—to set  us right,” said Alexis Pearson, adding that Taylor’s boundless  generosity with her perfected world view meant she would frequently offer to  chime in and explain in great detail what mistakes her friends had made and why they were bad people for doing what they had done. “What’s even more impressive is that she  attained perfection at such a young age. The rest of us flawed vessels  can only bow before her unimpeachable moral insight on where  we’ve gone wrong with our love lives, voting decisions, and beliefs on any number of issues ranging from religion to gender. Thankfully, she  repeats her advice many times, or else lesser beings like us would  probably never understand its incredible depths.” At press time, the  close acquaintances added that the ethically flawless woman’s husband  must feel especially lucky to always have her around.
What To Know About King Charles III #~# Charles III, the king of the United Kingdom and its 14 other commonwealth realms, acceded to the throne Sept. 8 following the death of his mother, Elizabeth II. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about King Charles III and the expectations of his rule.
U.S. Records 1 Millionth Organ Transplant #~# The United States recorded its one millionth organ transplant, a historic milestone for the medical procedure that has saved thousands of lives since the first successful transplant in 1954. What do you think?
Owners Freeze As Alexa Begins Moaning Along To Sex #~# NEW BERN, NC—Slowly pulsing its blue light while emitting low, slow sighs of pleasure, a local Amazon Alexa reportedly caused its owners to freeze in the middle of intercourse Wednesday after it started moaning along to sex. “Oh yeah, oh yeah baby, right there; mmm, that feels so good,”  said the nearby Amazon Alexa, who, between robotic moans, proceeded to activate surround sound, switch the bedroom lights to “on,” and let out a deep, guttural “ohhh,” as its terrified, nude owners stared over their shoulders in utter disbelief. “Oh my god, oh yeah. Mommy likes that. Harder. Harder! Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t get that. Please check your internet connection. Device status: offline.” At press time, the Amazon Alexa had reportedly accidentally yelled, “I love you,” turned her light from blue to red, and ordered the couple a $300 sex swing.
Conservative Commentators You Never Knew Started In Hollywood #~# You might not know it, but many of the most famous commentators on Fox News, OAN, and Infowars actually used to work as actors, directors, and writers. Here are today’s most famous conservative faces that got their start in Hollywood.
Princeton Offers Full Ride To Students Whose Families Make Less Than $100,000 #~# Princeton University announced that starting next year it will offer full rides to undergraduates from families earning less than $100,000 a year, with the move expected to include 150,000 students. What do you think?
Disney Wins Emmy For Best Profits #~# LOS ANGELES—Taking home the evening’s top award for its stunning achievement in maximizing revenue while reducing costs, the Walt Disney Co. won the Emmy award for Best Profits on Monday night. “Thank you to all the numbers that made this award possible!” said  CEO Bob Chapek, singling out Disney’s earnings per share, net income, profit margin, and market capitalization for contributing to the company’s success over the past year. “Far from inspiring us to take risks on new and challenging work, this win gives us even more motivation to green-light stale, rehashed content that can be churned out as a mass-market commodity and provide us with a known quantity we can plug into a spreadsheet. To every little boy and girl out there watching, let this Emmy serve as proof that you, too, can grow up to enrich shareholders by posting quarterly earnings reports with really big numbers on them.” Following an afterparty held at downtown L.A.’s Otium, insiders confirmed Disney was in talks to make even bigger profits.
Apple Announces New iPhones Will No Longer Be Compatible With Human Hand #~# CUPERTINO, CA—With the latest versions of its most popular product scheduled for release at the end of the week, Apple announced Tuesday that iPhones would no longer be compatible with the human hand. “The iPhone 14 will be the first to incorporate groundbreaking technology that makes it completely inoperable by fingers, thumbs, the palm of the hand, or even a fist,” CEO Tim Cook said to great applause at a developers conference, showing the audience how the new device was able to remain totally unresponsive to any tapping, scrolling, or swiping motion he made with his hands or feet. “We’ve outfitted the 14 with highly innovative haptic technology that prevents the phone from doing anything at all when we attempt to interact with it using our increasingly outdated biology. We know it will take some getting used to, but we think that in a decade or so, people will look back and remember how quaint it was that they once used the digits of their hands to operate an iPhone. And if this sounds like a drastic, unnecessary change that no one asked for, that’s because it is. From now on, everybody can just keep their grubby little mitts off our beautifully designed products.” At press time, Apple acknowledged it was busy developing a proprietary adapter that would eventually allow the iPhone 14 to connect indirectly to a human hand. 
Substitute Teacher Chill About Where Kids Hide During Shooting #~# GLASTONBURY, CT—Expressing his indifference to the matter as long as they found a spot where they were comfortable, chill substitute teacher Nick Durgen told an eighth-grade classroom Tuesday that they could hide wherever they wanted in the event of a school shooting. “If you’re not in your assigned spot for a security lockdown, that’s cool, just make sure you keep the noise down to a reasonable level,” said Durgen, who added that because he wasn’t familiar with Barterfeld Middle School’s active shooter protocols, he would probably just put on a movie if there were a gunman roaming the hallways and murdering as many people as he could find. “Really, as long as you stay quiet enough that you don’t get me into any trouble by attracting the attention of a heavily armed killer on a terrifying rampage, we should get along just fine. Oh, and no need to call me Mr. Durgen, either—Nick is just fine. However, if there’s a shooting, you may want to remember my last name just in case you have to identify my body for the authorities.” Later, after gunshots had  rung out  and the children had sheltered in place, Durgen said that even though the all clear had yet to be given, it was all right with him if the students wanted to flee for their lives a little bit early that day.
British People Explain Why They Support The Monarchy #~# “Oh, it’s because I’m a fucking loser.”
North Korea Says It Will Never Give Up Nuclear Weapons #~# North Korean leader Kim Jong-un claimed his country will never abandon the nuclear weapons it needs to counter the United States, which he accused of pushing to weaken the North’s defenses and eventually collapse his government. What do you think?
Friend’s Facebook Status Hints At Fact That Being Wife A Prison From Which She Can Never Be Free #~# HARTFORD, CT—Identifying the clues laid out in the user’s many posts, local woman Dana Coyne told reporters Tuesday that the Facebook status of friend, Lindsay Somner, hints at the fact that being a wife is a prison from which she can never be free. “To the untrained eye, her post saying, ‘Nice day at the lake with my hubby,’ might seem pleasant, but she’s clearly suffocating from the walls of marriage closing in on her,” said Coyne, noting that Somner’s comment, ‘this man is my whole world,’ screamed that she felt trapped forever in the hell of matrimony until the end of her days. “The caption on the anniversary photo she posted had subtle nods to the strife and tribulations of being a wife hidden within the affectionate description of her partnership. In some ways, it’s just a fun post, but in other ways it’s a cry for help from someone who feels her life is over.” At press time, Coyne added that her friend’s most recent post about getting some much-needed ‘me time’ was a clear sign that Somner had spiraled into a deep, dark place in the marriage from which she may never return.
Bug Crawling On Ceiling Must Be Possessed By Demon #~# NEW ORLEANS—Freezing in horror at the unnatural movement of the creature cloaked in darkness, local man Nick Harris reported Wednesday that the bug crawling upside-down on his ceiling must be possessed by a demon. “How—how is it doing that if not controlled by some evil, other-worldly force?” said a cowering Harris, watching in horror as the reportedly possessed insect skittered erratically above his bed, presumably straight from the confines of hell, as it openly flouted the laws of gravity. “Such unnatural, creepy movements—no earthly being should bend that way, unless it’s answering to an unseen force, dark and aberrant. And that unholy sound it’s making, that’s no language I’ve ever heard. Behind this poor insect’s face lie the jet-black eyes of Beezlebub, come to collect my soul, no doubt. Be gone, demon! Leave that poor, multi-legged, child of God alone!” At press time, Harris was seen looking up the property records of his home for any sign that it might be cursed after a second bug was seen hovering outside his second-floor window.
New MLB.Com Discount Tier Lets Users Look At Clipart Of Baseball #~# NEW YORK—Touting the offering as perfect for baseball fans who wanted to save some money on their streaming service, MLB.com on Tuesday unveiled a new discount tier that lets users look at clipart of baseballs. “For only half the price of the MLB.tv stream, fans will be able to use their computer, phone, or smart TV to look at dozens of cartoon pictures of baseballs, bats, and gloves,” said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred of the service, which he said the league is able to offer at a discount because it blacks out all of a user’s out-of-market games, as well as all of their in-market ones. “Offering programming accessible to fans who can’t pay as much is important to us, and we expect these cartoon drawings of baseball diamonds and batters to be very popular with users. Whether you’re a hat fan, a helmet fan, or a jersey fan, you’ll be able to look at your favorite baseball-related clipart wherever you are in the country.” Manfred added that those users who signed up for the service in the next 48 hours would also receive an option to look at the word “baseball” on their screens in several different fonts.
King Charles III Takes Throne #~# King Charles III has, at the age of 73, become monarch after the death of his mother Queen Elizabeth II, making him the oldest person to ever assume the British throne. What do you think?
Week In Review: September 12, 2022 #~# Full article.
Delta Lifts Pandemic-Era Restrictions On Abusing Flight Crew #~# ATLANTA—Deeming the company policy no longer necessary for safe travel, Delta Air Lines announced Monday it would lift all pandemic-era restrictions on passengers abusing its flight crew. “Effective immediately, Delta customers will no longer be removed from a flight for insulting, belittling, striking, or maiming one of our employees while aboard the aircraft,” said CEO Ed Bastian, explaining that with the availability of vaccines and antiviral treatments such as Paxlovid, flight attendants physically attacked for asking passengers to gate-check their luggage were now less likely to contract a case of Covid-19 resulting in hospitalization or death. “Our strict no-abuse rules made sense when infection rates were high and screaming obscenities or spitting into our crew members’ faces dramatically increased their risk of mortality. But going forward, if you purchase a ticket on a Delta flight, you will be fully entitled to throw your drink in a flight attendant’s face, shout racial or homophobic slurs at a gate agent, or even grope a pilot.” Bastian later added that as long as Delta flight attendants continued their current unionization efforts, the airline would not enforce any federal laws that prohibit passengers from carrying firearms aboard its flights.
Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse #~# With global warming, deadly pandemics, and political instability threatening to destroy society as we know it, more and more billionaires are preparing for a doomsday scenario. The Onion asked some of the most powerful people in the world how they will survive the apocalypse, and this is what they said.
New California Water Restrictions Limit Shower Sex To Once Per Week #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Announcing emergency regulations amid one of the state’s driest years on record, the California Department of Water Resources implemented new restrictions Monday that limit all residents to one act of shower sex per week. “We understand how amazing shower sex feels and how much the hot water and steam enhance the sensation, but everyone needs to pitch in if we want to combat these extreme drought conditions,” said agency director Karla Nemeth, adding that copulation beneath running water would be restricted to five minutes, regardless of whether the participants had climaxed within that period, and that ideally such encounters should be limited to a standard two-minute hand job. “Please note that twice-a-week shower sex will be allowed between partners who register with the department and agree to only run the water during foreplay and to rinse off after, shutting it off to conserve resources while they engage in the act of intercourse itself. It is important that residents observe these new rules, as any violation thereof  could result in California regulators bursting into the shower and separating a couple mid-coitus.” Nemeth went on to clarify that so long as the basin was filled with rainwater collected in buckets out in the backyard, unlimited bathtub sex would still be permitted.
Stress During Pregnancy May Have Negative Emotional Impact On Babies #~# A study published in the journal Infancy found that babies of moms who experienced more fluctuations in stress during pregnancy showed more fear, sadness, and distress at 3 months than those of moms who were less stressed. What do you think?
The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Pamper Your Pets #~# Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations, because we couldn’t figure out how.
NASA Worried Moon Won’t Remember Them #~# WASHINGTON—In a press conference Monday, NASA administrator Bill Nelson confirmed the biggest concern agency officials had about returning to the moon was that it might not remember them. “It’s been, jeez, what, almost 50 years? We just hope it’s not super awkward,” said Nelson, who noted that NASA astronauts were currently undergoing rigorous training to simulate what it would be like when they landed and the moon  gave them a completely blank look. “I’m not saying we’re expecting the worst-case scenario, but, I mean, we haven’t exactly been keeping in touch. Hopefully it still has the flag we got it. My God, though, what if we don’t even recognize it?” At press time, Nelson added that if things with the moon didn’t work out, the space agency would try its luck with Mars.
Mormon Argues His Faith Has Just As Much Legitimate Sexual Abuse As Any Other Religion #~# SALT LAKE CITY—Remarking upon the unfair bias of those who take a dim view of his belief system, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints argued Monday that his faith community had just as much legitimate sexual abuse as any other organized religion. “People think that because our religion is only 200 years old our sexual abuse cases are somehow less valid than those of other faiths, but to our church’s members, the sexual abuse they’ve felt is as powerful as it is real,” said Elder Steven Bingham, 23, adding that even though Roman Catholics get all the press for covering up molestations, that doesn’t mean their church’s leaders are the only ones to do so. “The LDS church is often considered some odd offshoot of Christianity, but we have a rich history of men using their power to sexually violate women and children. It’s easy to get hung up on the novel aspects of our religious practice, like our sacred undergarments or our baptisms for the dead, but our version of worship also contains a very common by-the-numbers traumatization of small children. If more people took the time to study the LDS faith and gain a bit more understanding of how much sexual abuse has taken place in our church, I feel like we’d be considered a more mainstream religion.” At press time, Elder Bingham explained how his church even referred to the same Scripture passages that other Christian sects referred to in order to justify sexual abuse. 
Steve Bannon Arraigned On Public Indecency Charges For Going Around Looking Like That #~# NEW YORK—Faced with felony charges from the Manhattan district attorney’s office, former Trump advisor Steve Bannon was arraigned on multiple counts of public indecency Friday for going around looking like that, according to court records. “Your honor, as you can plainly see, it breaches the limits of human decency for this man to appear in broad daylight and reveal his grotesque, nauseating form to unsuspecting members of the community,” said lead prosecutor Greg Houston, shielding his eyes as he pleaded with the judge to hold Bannon in custody without bail, far away from the innocent bystanders who have allegedly suffered permanent trauma from gazing upon his carbuncular visage and revoltingly gingivitic smile. “Time and time again, the defendant has intentionally exposed his inflamed, misshapen features and cobweb-ensnarled hair  to children, seniors, and the most vulnerable among us. It’s clear Mr. Bannon gets off on waving his befouled and pus-streaked face around in public. This sick man can’t help himself, not even at this very moment, in your courtroom. Just look at him, your honor—actually, please don’t, that’s not a good idea. But do make sure this defendant is not once again let go with nothing more than a slap on the disease-ridden pustules of his wrist.” At press time, the judge had ordered Bannon to be placed in quarantine until physicians could identify the mysterious yellow discharge currently draining from each of his orifices.
Queen Elizabeth II Dies #~# Queen Elizabeth II passed away at Balmoral Castle at the age of 96, capping off an almost 70-year reign, the longest of any British monarch, which oversaw the dissolution of much of the British Empire. What do you think?
Report: Queen Elizabeth Shot Herself In Bunker As Enemy Forces Closed In #~# BALLATER, SCOTLAND—Ruling her official cause of death as suicide, sources confirmed Friday that Queen Elizabeth II shot herself in her bunker with her service pistol as enemy forces closed in. “Rather than surrender, Queen Elizabeth died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head,” said sources, who shared that the queen’s body had been dragged out from her subterranean shelter at Balmoral Castle to the garden, where a servant burned and buried the queen’s body alongside those of her beloved pet corgis, which had been force-fed cyanide capsules. “As it became clear she could not win, she turned to her only option. Though she fought long and hard, the queen was terrified of being taken alive. A long, humiliating, and painful trial awaited her, and she wanted to ensure that she went out on her own terms rather than dying in prison.” At press time, sources added the queen’s suicide was partly motivated by fear she would be strung up by her heels in the streets, as had happened only days earlier with Joe Biden. 
Guy In Line For Port-A-Potty Won’t Stop Assuring Everyone He Pisses Quick #~# CHICAGO—Repeatedly mumbling “Don’t worry” and “I got this” to every person within earshot, local man Jacob Winston reportedly would not stop assuring everyone in line for the port-a-potty Friday that he pissed quick. “I’ll be so fast, I swear,” said the 29-year-old music festival attendee, who turned around multiple times to notify the group of strangers waiting behind him that he would “not let them down” and would “be out just like that.” “When I say I pee fast, I’m talking lightning fast. In, out, we’re talking 10 seconds, tops. My word is good, okay? Trust me. I’ll be like, boom. You won’t even know I was gone. You can pull out your phone and time me. ” At press time, sources confirmed the man had been in the portable restroom for six minutes and counting.
Controversial State Farm Ad Features Patrick Mahomes Insisting There No Way To Insure Against God’s Judgment #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—The insurance company and one of its spokespeople were reportedly in hot water Thursday evening when a controversial State Farm ad featured Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes insisting there was no way to insure against God’s judgment. “Things happen—cruel things, horrible things—to those who would defy the iron will of our Lord, and there is no insurance you can possibly buy to escape His divine wrath,” Mahomes, a devout Christian, said in the 30-second spot, his voice dropping several tones as he spoke until he began to laugh demonically and the screen went black. “State Farm offers great discounts on insurance, but none that will save thee, grave sinner, for there is nothing on this earth that can indemnify thee if the Lord hath selected thee for retribution. For how canst thou truly protect thy home and auto except through thoughts and behaviors that glorify Him and satisfy Him? Can State Farm’s insurance help thee when the unexpected occurs? Nay! For there is nothing unexpected when Our Heavenly Creator knows all and has determined all our fates. If you’re considering switching your insurance plan, consider this: You can compare State Farm to other insurance plans all you want, but there is no comparison for the calamities and misfortunes that a just and righteous God shall visit upon the wicked.” In the closing shot of the commercial, a shrieking Mahomes declared that Jake from State Farm had been banished to the pits of hell for his sins of partaking in strong drink and premarital sex.
What To Know About New U.K. Prime Minister Liz Truss #~# Liz Truss became the new prime minister of the United Kingdom on Tuesday, replacing Boris Johnson. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Truss.
Legal Experts Weigh In On Mar-A-Lago Special Master Ruling #~# “Who do these people think they are taking credit for undermining the Justice Department? That was all me, but they’ll never tell you that.”
Miss England Pageant Finalist Becomes First To Compete Without Makeup #~# Miss England finalist Melisa Raouf, a 20-year-old college student from south London, has become the first-ever beauty queen to compete without wearing any makeup in the pageant’s nearly century-long history. What do you think?
‘Keep Going,’ Says Restaurant Patron Watching Server Out Of Cheese Start To Grate Hand #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Remarking on how fresh everything looked at the local establishment, a patron at Toma Restaurant and Bar reportedly told his server Friday to “keep going” as he watched the employee run out of cheese and begin to grate the flesh of his hand. “More, please—I’ll tell you when,” said the diner, Larry Nesbitt, who licked his lips as the server continued to work the fine microplane past the last bit of Parmesan rind and onto his fingertips, smiling politely as his skin, muscle, and bone began flaking off into a bloody mound atop the customer’s plate. “It really complements the dish, don’t you think? I certainly wouldn’t want a tomato and arugula flatbread that skimps on the cuticle. Mmm…is that knuckle? I’d love some more that. Do continue!” At press time, Nesbitt was overheard saying, “That’s perfect,” after the server had finished grating his entire body into a flavorful entrée topping.
Study: Married Americans Spend 40 Minutes Each Year Pointing Gun At Sleeping Spouse #~# CHICAGO—Noting that the bedtime ritual appeared to be an essential part of nearly every marital relationship, a study published Friday by the American Journal Of Sociology found that married couples spend nearly 40 minutes each year pointing a gun at their sleeping spouse. “Our findings suggest that married Americans spend four or five minutes each month holding a handgun in their shaking hands mere inches from the head of their slumbering husband or wife,” said study coauthor Alicia Lambert, describing how after confirming that their spouse was still asleep, most American would quietly remove the revolver or semi-automatic pistol from its hiding spot in a bedside table while whispering that this was the night they would finally go through with it. “What’s interesting is that after several seconds of muttering to themselves, ‘Do it, just fucking do it,’ while beads of sweat trickled down their forehead, these individuals almost inevitably sigh in frustration and slam the pistol down in cowardice after deciding this was not the night. We found many then pretend to sleep for the next several hours and awaken with a smile to tell their oblivious spouse, ‘Good morning, honey. Sleep well?’” The study also found that on rare occasions, the other spouse would turn over with a pistol in their own hand, announce that they had known about this plan since their wedding day, and reveal that they had swapped out the bullets in their would-be assailant’s gun.
Climate-Conscious Drake, Kylie Jenner, Elon Musk Cram Into Shared Celebrity Megabus #~# LOS ANGELES—Pledging to cut down on fossil fuels in any way they could, a climate-conscious Drake, Kylie Jenner, and Elon Musk were spotted Friday cramming into a celebrity Megabus. “Before, I’d probably fly private between New York and L.A., but now, I’d much rather take a Megabus for a 45-hour, 3,000-mile trip across the country,” said Jenner, adding that the intercity buses—which can hold over 80 celebrities and count Taylor Swift, Jay Z, and Kim Kardashian as customers—each had two levels, a bathroom in the back, and made convenient stops in downtown Indianapolis, Des Moines, and Burbank. “Sure, it might not be as comfortable as a plane, but between the cup holders and the individual outlets, I don’t really miss my private jet at all. Unfortunately, once we got on the I-80, Drake did get pretty car sick. But for $15 a trip, how can you beat it?” At press time, Drake, Jenner, and Musk were seen fanning themselves outside a rural Iowa gas station after their bus broke down and their driver disappeared.
Manti Te’o Reveals He’s Still Friends With Lennay Kekua #~# SAN DIEGO—Saying that he was proud of the low-key relationship the two had maintained all these years, free agent NFL linebacker Manti Te’o revealed to reporters Friday that he’s still friends with Lennay Kekua. “While the romantic spark went out for us years ago, we still stay in touch, and I really appreciate getting to catch up with Lennay whenever we have the opportunity,” said Te’o, adding that Kekua kept him updated on her leukemia remission, and that she sent him a nice note after he got married in August 2020. “Lennay was a really important part of my life, and I really believe that you can stay friends with an ex. We only talk once in a while over text or email, and never see each other in person, but we’ve promised each other that if we’re ever in the same city, we’ll get together for coffee or a bite to eat. With some people, it’s not meant to be, romantically, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still remain friends.” Te’o added that he was also pleased that his NFL earnings had allowed him to help Kekua out several times with financial struggles she’d had over the past couple of years.
Party One Of Those Awkward Ones Where Man Knows Everyone There #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—According to reports, a local man’s mood quickly soured Friday evening when he realized the party he had just walked into was one of those awkward ones where he knew everyone there. “Just great—who the heck am I supposed to talk to?” said Noah Lefevre, who appeared to grow anxious as he looked around the backyard at all the small conversation circles made up of his friends and acquaintances. “Oh, God, I can name every single person here. I don’t even know where to stand. No matter where I go, I’m  going to feel nervous and out of place. Sure, I could walk up to some people and start talking to them, but it would be completely weird and forced, since we already know each other and presumably have a bunch of things in common we ought to be able to talk about. What’s worse is that any second now everyone is going to start noticing how I know everyone,  and then it’ll really get awkward.” At press time, the man was reportedly wondering if anyone would even notice if he just slipped out of the party early while they were all singing “Happy Birthday” to him.
Remembering Elizabeth II, Britain’s First Girl King #~# Full article.
Poll Finds Most Americans Are Quiet Quitting #~# According to a Gallup survey, at least half of American workers say they are “quiet quitting”, or performing only the tasks they’re required to, giving up on the idea of “going above and beyond”. What do you think?
Lawyer Informs Royal Family That Queen Has Left Throne To Overall-Wearing Alabama Resident #~# LONDON—Speaking to the bereaved in the hours after the monarch’s passing, Her Queen’s Counsel Frederick Dingnam reportedly informed the royal family Thursday that Queen Elizabeth II had left the throne to an overall-wearing Alabama cousin. “Her Majesty was quite clear that she wanted the crown to go to her distant cousin in Alabama, whose name is, I believe, Cooter,” said Dingnam, addressing an entirely silent Prince Charles and Duchess Camilla as he described the Clanton, AL-based pig farmer’s love for tub-brewed hooch and moon pies from Publix supermarket. “Of course, I hope you will make our new regent comfortable. Prince Harry, perhaps you would be amenable to a squirrel-hunting trip with King Cooter? Good. Now, he knows little of British culture or our ways, but I’ve been told he is not shy of book-learning at all and cleans up real nice.” The lawyer went on to inform the openly weeping Duchess of Cambridge that Cooter I and his pet pig Corkie would be escorted to Buckingham Palace within the fortnight.
‘Madden’ Glitch Lets Player Win Super Bowl With Texans #~# REDWOOD CITY, CA—Following outcry over an issue that was negatively affecting gameplay, developers of Madden NFL 23 told reporters Thursday that they were working to fix a glitch in the game that lets players win the Super Bowl with the Houston Texans. “We strive to make Madden as authentic as we can, so we’re naturally disappointed that we let something as obviously unrealistic as the Texans’ 2022-23 roster winning a championship slip through our playtesting process,” said EA Sports spokesperson Maya Woodruff, adding that the glitch first came to their attention when a Reddit user posted a screenshot of the Texans beating the Los Angeles Rams in the Super Bowl with the caption “WTF is the wrong with this damn game??” “After looking into the problem, we saw that it affected many of our users, whose enjoyment of Madden was rudely interrupted when the game allowed something that, to put it mildly, would never happen in the real world.  Unfortunately, addressing this glitch is taking longer than we’d like, as it is also present in the franchise mode, where it is still an issue because the Texans have no realistic chance of winning the Super Bowl at any time over the next several decades. With a roster led by guys like Davis Mills, Dameon Pierce, and Christian Kirksey, it may be difficult to understand how an algorithm could glitch so badly as to let that team win a Super Bowl, but mistakes happen. At best, the Texans could conceivably win two or three games. We at Madden regret the error.” Madden developers also apologized for a separate glitch in the game that caused Seattle Seahawks quarterback Geno Smith to be able to complete passes.
Ultra-Realistic ‘NBA 2K23’ Update Adds Unexplainable Horseshit Calls #~# NOVATO, CA—Revealing several new features in the console game ahead of its release, developer Visual Concepts announced Thursday that the ultra-realistic NBA 2K23 update adds unexplainable horseshit calls. “We wanted the playing experience in NBA 2K23 to be as close to the real thing as possible, and we can’t do that without upgrading our AI to ensure that there will be several completely bullshit foul calls against the player every game,” said Visual Concepts spokesman Lee Bishop at a press conference where he showed reporters a demo of a defender five feet away from the player’s controlled character and the referees still bizarrely calling an offensive charge. “This year, we’re taking the game to the next level with totally infuriating calls that are guaranteed to make you scream at your television and yell, ‘What the fuck was that?’ just like the real NBA viewing experience. These calls will go against your team 100% of the time and will occur in the most crucial moments, providing our most realistic playing experience yet.” The developers added that NBA 2K23 also features an optional Conspiracy mode where the results are all decided in advance and carried out by crooked referees and a corrupt lottery drafting process that allows the biggest-market teams to win to make the game better mimic the real NBA.
[NOTE: Do Not Run Until Fucking Queen Is Dead Or People Will Lose Their Shit] Queen Elizabeth Dead At 96 #~# [ED. — DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL AWFUL LADY IN THE GROUND]
iPhone 14 Camera To Include Director For Highest-Quality Video Yet #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Boasting that the high-quality video could rival almost any professional film, Apple announced Thursday that the new iPhone 14 camera would come equipped with a Hollywood movie director for the best results yet. “With the new iPhone 14 and 14 Pro, users will have access to the sharpest video capabilities on the market, with up to a 48 megapixel sensor, a 3x telephoto lens, and Gustav, a brilliant film industry veteran who will stop at nothing to bring your video’s vision to life,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook, adding that the device’s auteur director played a critical role in picture quality, whether he was adjusting the phone’s light intake, screaming for another take, or yelling “No, no, no, that’s garbage” while flipping his chair over in a huff. “From the second you press record, Apple’s Gustav feature will not only ensure the highest-caliber work, but also give you access to his professional sound stage and boom-mic operators, as well as his post-production and motion-graphics teams. Remember, with an iPhone, you’re not just taking videos of your dog, your cat, or your baby. You’re making art.” At press time, Cook temporarily recalled all iPhones featuring Gustav after the director reportedly flew into an alcoholic rage, stormed out, and threatened to blacklist several Apple users from ever recording videos again. 
‘Wait, This Has Weed In It?’ Asks Panicked Party Guest Speaking Through Mouthful Of Buds #~# SAN DIEGO—Stopping mid-bite as the truth dawned upon him, local man Drew Greiner was reportedly shocked to discover Thursday that the cannabis buds he had been eating out of a plastic bag contained marijuana.“Wait, this has weed in it? Oh my God, I just assumed they were normal plant parts,” said the  house-party guest, who stared in shock at the seemingly innocuous bag of cannabis flower he had been casually snacking on all night. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?! They should have at least been labeled—who leaves something like that out without a label! Well, how much weed do these buds have in them, anyway? Just a little bit, or a lot?” At press time, sources confirmed a horrified Greiner had dropped the balloon from which he had been inhaling after learning it contained nitrous oxide.
CPR Instructor Recommends Giving Gentle Forehead Kisses Between Chest Compressions So That Victim Feels Safe #~# FRANKFORT, KY—Teaching the proper method for administering urgent, lifesaving care, a local CPR instructor recommended giving gentle forehead kisses between chest compressions so that the victim felt safe, sources reported Thursday. “Losing consciousness from respiratory or cardiac arrest is a traumatic experience, so it’s important to comfort victims by giving them tender kisses upon their brow, along their temples, and then right here,” Red Cross–certified instructor Timothy Carson said as he nibbled gently on the CPR dummy’s earlobe, nuzzled its neck, and then administered 30 forceful chest compressions to demonstrate the soothing resuscitation technique. “While you may have heard that the Bee Gees’ ‘Stayin’ Alive’ provides the ideal tempo for performing CPR, your soft caresses of the nonresponsive person’s hair, cheeks, and chest should be administered to the beat of Seal’s ‘Kiss From A Rose.’ And in order for them to feel secure, you absolutely must lean into their ear to whisper, ‘You can’t die—I love you,’ when trying to unblock their obstructed windpipe.” Carson went on to explain that once the victim had been revived, they need to be spooned for at least 10 minutes.
Republicans Explain Why They Oppose Ranked-Choice Voting #~# Since Mary Peltola’s defeat of Sarah Palin in a ranked-choice election for Alaska’s congressional seat, many Republicans have publicly and emphatically denounced the practice. The Onion asked Republicans why they oppose ranked-choice, and this is what they said.
17th-Century ‘Vampire’ Found Buried With Sickle Over Neck To Prevent Rise From Dead #~# Archaeologists have unearthed the skeletal remains of a female buried in a 17th-century Polish graveyard with a sickle pinned across her neck, a ritual during the time people believed would prevent “vampires” from rising from the dead. What do you think?
Israel Deploys Low-Speed Targeted Rockets That Follow Individual Palestinians Around Throughout Day #~# JERUSALEM—In a major technological breakthrough, the Israel Defense Forces reportedly deployed new low-speed rockets Wednesday that follow individual Palestinian residents around throughout the day. “Moving at speeds of three to five miles per hour, these rockets will always be trailing 10 feet behind all Palestinians at all times,” said IDF Lt. Col. Yosef Levi, who confirmed the Israeli military had launched 5.3 million missiles after announcing the entire Palestinian population was “an imminent threat.” “These unique, groundbreaking missile systems are capable of trailing inhabitants of the West Bank and Gaza Strip while they work, while they travel, and even inside their homes. For their own safety, we are asking Palestinians not to travel at any speed faster than a brisk walk; otherwise, we will be forced to interpret your hurried pace as aggression and detonate the warhead.” At press time, the IDF argued that the rockets trailing children were only trying to get to the terrorists directly in front of them.  
Math, Reading Test Scores Plummet During Pandemic #~# A federal study has found that math and reading scores for 9-year-olds in the U.S. fell between 2020 and 2022 by a level not seen in decades, a foreboding sign of the state of American education two years after the Covid-19 pandemic began. What do you think?
Experts Warn Pornography Has Shaped Generation Of Young Men’s Views On Filmmaking #~# PHILADELPHIA—Following a study of how ubiquitous access to explicit content had altered the attitudes of movie audiences, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania warned Wednesday that pornography had dramatically shaped an entire generation of young men’s perspectives on cinema. “Nearly all male viewers under 25 appeared to have unrealistic expectations for films, believing every scene should feature someone opening a door and walking into a room where either an unsuspecting woman is showering, a bored mom sits alone on a couch, a stepsibling is caught masturbating, or a VIP orgy is taking place,” said Professor Rebecca Carmine-Brown, who conducted surveys that found pornography had influenced young men’s perceptions of filmmaking to the extent that they thought plot conceits such as a scantily clad woman getting stuck headfirst in a washing machine were a reasonable first-act call to adventure. “The reality, of course, is far different. In most movies, when characters finish having sex, they go on to engage in other, nonsexual behaviors. Meanwhile, our research found male college students were dissatisfied by cinematography that did not include high angles to focus on cleavage or continuous violations of the 180-degree rule to show the actors’ bodies from every possible vantage point. Such standards could make it extremely difficult for these youths to ever develop a healthy, lifelong enjoyment of film.” In a poll of young men exiting movie theaters, 95% expressed either disappointment or confusion with any film that did not end with an ejaculation followed by an all-naked cast saying the name of the production company into the camera. 
Celebrities Explain Why They Date Younger Partners #~# “The thrill of going to jail always makes love more exciting.”
Child Not Allowed To Leave Dinner Table Until He Finishes 72-Ounce Porterhouse #~# DALLAS—Scolding their child for not finishing his food, parents Debra and Mark Lynes reportedly forbade their 8-year-old son, Kevin, from leaving the dinner table Wednesday until he had finished the 72-ounce porterhouse steak on his plate. “You only have 15 minutes left, and you’re not even halfway done,” said Debra Lynes, who reminded her son that if he failed the one-hour porterhouse challenge, he wouldn’t get the special “I Ate It All” T-shirt and would have to go straight to his room. “Eat up, mister. Just a few dozen more big bites. If you want to get your picture on the wall and go outside to play with your friends, you’ll have to clean your plate first. That’s a perfectly good piece of meat, and I won’t have it be wasted. There are kids in this world who never get a chance to savor every last morsel of a well-marbled, dry-aged, four-and-a-half-pound steak.” At press time, Mark Lynes added that unless the boy hurried up, he would not be allowed to eat his 16-inch skillet brownie and ice cream for dessert.
Fantasy Football Player Instinctively Boos At Own Draft Picks #~# BROCKTON, MA—Declaring that only a complete idiot would put this roster together and expect to win a single game, local fantasy football player Taylor Mixon reportedly spent Wednesday night instinctively booing at his own draft picks. “What the hell am I doing? All of these players suck,” Mixon said as he methodically insulted every single selection he made during his fantasy football draft. “Kyler Murray? Talk about overrated. What the hell is wrong with me? I shouldn’t have picked him at all, much less in the third round. That was an incredibly stupid pick. And Saquon Barkey is just going to get injured again, so that’s another wasted pick right there. God, I am so fucking bad at this.” At press time, sources confirmed Mixon was instinctively insulting his own unfunny and sophomoric team name.
Investigators Seize 27 Antiquities From Met Museum, Citing Looting #~# Investigators in New York seized 27 ancient artifacts valued at more than $13 million from the Metropolitan Museum of Art, asserting that the objects from Rome, Greece, and Egypt had all been looted, and will now be returned to their countries of origin. What do you think?
Shocking Video Captures Calm Police Officers Handling Situation Nonviolently #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—Depicting an incredibly unusual and surprising scene involving law enforcement, a shocking viral video shared Wednesday captured calm police officers handling a situation nonviolently. “This deeply troubling video recorded by a bystander clearly shows officers calmly giving a Black driver a warning, and then walking away without brutalizing him at all or even threatening violence,” said [ACLU representative] Christine Taylor, explaining that many residents reported being stunned that something like this could happen in their community. “The officers never even reached for their guns once, it’s incredibly appalling and disturbing that this could occur in 21st century America. The video clearly shows the officers handling the situation with a level of thoughtfulness and calm that is nothing short of warranted. They had their body cam footage on the whole time, and when spotting the camera, nonchalantly allowed the bystander to continue filming—I’ve never seen anything like this before.” At press time, the officers in question had been fired, and the department released a formal statement condemning the officers’ actions.
Distraught Factory Farmer Knew He Shouldn’t Have Named All 7,000 Pigs #~# IOWA FALLS, IA—Enjoying one last morning with his four-legged friends,  distraught factory farmer Bill Hanrahan confirmed Wednesday that he knew he shouldn’t have named all 7,000 pigs. “I don’t know why I always make this harder than it needs to be,” said Hanrahan, choking up as he began the long process of saying goodbye to Franklin, Jessica, Wilbur, Toot-Toot, Wilbur II, Bumpkin, Petey, Greg, and the others as he herded them onto a filthy conveyor belt to be violently processed into low-cost meat products. “I know better than to get attached to them, cute as they are, but darn if I didn’t do it again. I probably shouldn’t have named these four after my late grandparents—that’s going to complicate things emotionally when I have to slit their throats in a couple minutes. It’s hard because I remember when all of them were tiny little piglets that I separated from their mothers. Bugsby, Hank, Wilbur III, come on over and say goodbye. I suppose I should start taking off the little custom outfits I put them all in now, that might take awhile.” At press time, Hanrahan reported how difficult it was trying to fall asleep that night without all 7,000 of his pigs cuddled up to him.
New Yorkers With Marijuana Convictions First To Be Given Dispensary Licenses #~# New York will be the first state to offer its initial dispensary licenses solely to entrepreneurs with marijuana convictions, in a move aimed at offering an advantage to people, disproportionately in Black and brown communities, harmed by the war on drugs. What do you think?
U.S. Escalates Campaign Against Spotted Lanternflies By Arming Praying Mantises #~# WASHINGTON—As the invasive species continues its spread along the East Coast and threatens fruit production and logging across the country, federal officials announced Tuesday they would escalate their campaign against spotted lanternflies by arming local praying mantises. “Following a sustained and coordinated attack against this dangerous lanternfly, it has become clear that human beings alone cannot purge this enemy from American soil,” said Department of Agriculture spokesperson Nora Jennings, divulging that a team of elite praying mantises had already received heavy artillery training from U.S. special forces, and were now drafting their fellow predatory arthropods to join them in the fight against the spotted menace on the ground. “The U.S.D.A. will immediately deploy more than 6,000 armed mantises that have been given strict instructions to annihilate the invaders by any means necessary. Our hope is that  highly proficient Mantidae snipers will be able to take out every last lanternfly combatant from a safe distance, totally undetected. However, the enemy has already infiltrated our cities, and civilians are advised to take immediate cover to avoid being caught in the crossfire should hostilities erupt over a small patch of sidewalk.” Jennings went on to promise her department had learned from mistakes made in the 1980s, when it attempted to counter a spongy-moth invasion by backing armed bands of parasitic wasps that later went rogue and seized control of several mid-Atlantic states. 
Timeline Of The DOJ’s Investigation Into Mar-A-Lago #~# On Aug. 8, 2022, the FBI raided Donald Trump’s residence in search of documents he had illegally taken from the White House after his presidency. The following timeline details both the lead up to and fallout from the Justice Department’s dramatic investigation of Mar-a-Lago.
Zoo Insists If They Can Get A New Gorilla They’ll Really Take Care Of It This Time #~# BRIDGEPORT, CT—Declaring that they had learned their lesson and should be allowed to try again, officials at the Bridgeport Zoo  reportedly insisted Tuesday that if they could get a new gorilla they’d really take care of it this time. “Come on, please let us have a new gorilla—we’re really sorry, and we get it now! Please?” said zoo director Hilary Merz, adding that zoo staff pinkie-promised to only feed the gorilla stuff it was supposed to eat. “It’s not fair. All the other zoos have gorillas! It was an accident, and we didn’t mean it. We’re going to do a great job with the gorilla this time. You’ll see! We get it now, and we won’t let it out anymore. We even got rid of the Austin Powers costume. Please let us have a new gorilla. We want one in our zoo more than anything in the whole wide world!” At press time, sources confirmed zoo staff were crying while vehemently insisting that they didn’t know that microwaves could do that to endangered frogs.
Fernando Tatis Jr. Quietly Asks Doctor If There Anything He Can Take To Come Back From PED Suspension Quicker #~# SAN DIEGO—Stressing that he wasn’t looking for a miracle but could use a little bit of help, San Diego Padres shortstop Fernando Tatis Jr. reportedly asked a team doctor Tuesday if there was anything he could take to come back from his performance-enhancing drug suspension quicker. “I’m not asking you to do anything unethical, obviously, but if there was something that might help me shave a couple weeks off the suspension time and get back on the field sooner, I’d really like to know,” Tatis Jr. was heard to ask a member of the Padres medical staff, adding that there must be some kind of cream or gel that could help him shorten his suspension for anabolic steroids from 80 games to just 20 or so. “Ideally, this would be something that doesn’t show up on a drug test, if you know what I mean. I’ve just heard from some other guys that there might be something I could take to reduce the suspension time. All I want is to help the team, and it would be really great if I could be out there by Opening Day next year. So just let me know if you’ve got anything that will work.” At press time, Tatis Jr. tested positive for a banned substance that causes holes in the space-time continuum that he claimed he had unknowingly ingested in an effort to treat acne.
Man Looking To Become Misogynist Loser Hopes To Find Guidance Online #~# WINDSOR, CT—Seeking direction for his newfound passion, aspiring misogynist Kevin Lizowski told reporters Tuesday he hoped to find guidance online about how to better hate women. “I just wonder if anyone on the internet might have some advice that would help me develop my bigoted views and find outlets for my hostility toward women,” said Lizowski, adding that if he could meet with more experienced misogynists in online forums and “just pick up a few pointers” that would probably be all he would need to get started. “There has to a subreddit about this kind of thing somewhere. My friend told me he found one on woodworking the other day that was really helpful. Who knows, maybe there’s even a misogynist podcast I could download or a Facebook group I could join.” Five minutes after logging on, sources confirmed Lizowski was feeling both incredibly horny and incredibly angry and did not understand why.
Clarence Thomas Annoyed After Getting Another Text From Wife Nagging Him To Overthrow Government Before He Gets Home From Work #~# WASHINGTON—Muttering in frustration that he was already up to his neck in work, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly grew annoyed Tuesday after getting another text from his wife nagging him to overthrow the government before he got home. “For Christ’s sake, Ginni, you know how busy I am this time of year,” the associate justice reportedly said to himself as he checked the half-dozen messages from his wife reminding him that it would be great if he had time today to subvert the rule of law and reinstall Donald J. Trump as president. “She doesn’t even have a real job. There’s nothing stopping her from just popping out at lunchtime when there’s less traffic and toppling the U.S. government herself. But now I look like the bad guy because I’m not dropping everything and attending to her need to send Joe Biden to jail. Ugh, she’s such a fucking bitch.” At press time, Thomas had reportedly sighed and called his wife to thank her for reminding him to overturn the 2020 election before it slipped his mind.
Family Just Wants To Ensure Grandma’s Dinner As Comfortable And Pain-Free As Possible #~# REDMOND, WA—Noting how heartbreaking it had been to watch their beloved nana sit there and struggle, local woman Janelle Porter told reporters Tuesday that her family just wanted to ensure her grandmother’s dinner was as comfortable and pain-free as possible. “Although it’s difficult, I hope that Grandma feels supported and loved throughout this entire meal, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes,” said Porter, who sat by her grandmother’s side and held her hand as she wheezed, hacked, and shook while shoveling mushed up peas, carrots, and potatoes into her mouth. “It’s definitely hard to watch her chew like this, but I’m happy that we could all be here with her as she sits down at the table, picks up her fork, and slowly eats her food. No one should have to dine alone. No one.” At press time, Porter said she was relieved that her grandmother’s meal had ultimately been very quick and that she had passed on dessert with a smile on her face.
Man Who Watched 30-Second Ad About Pistachios To Get Free Airport Wi-Fi Opts To Learn More #~# LOS ANGELES—Moments after watching the advertisement for Wonderful Pistachios in exchange for free wireless access, local man Thomas Steeples reportedly opted Tuesday to click the button that would allow him to learn more about the salted snack nut. “Why, yes, I think I’d like to discover more about this company and their enticing nut products,” said Steeples, eagerly navigating his mouse to the “learn more” button while telling himself he would be foolish to simply go about his business online given the educational opportunity that lay before him. “From California, you say? And you can get them already shelled? Well, I hope there are more video advertisements showcasing the array of flavored nuts this company has produced. I’ll admit that at first my motive for viewing their commercial was purely selfish, but now my interest has been piqued.” At press time, sources confirmed Steeples had missed his flight after reading up on pistachios for almost five hours.
Fox News Hosts React To Dominion Voting Systems Lawsuit #~# With numerous Fox News personalities deposed in the Dominion Voting Systems $1.6 billion defamation lawsuit against the network, The Onion asked its hosts and contributors how they felt about the legal proceeding.
Man Doesn’t See Color, Only Head Shape #~# COLUMBUS — Claiming to be so ignorant as to judge another human being simply based on their skin, local man Oliver Kent told reporters Monday that he didn’t see color, only head shape. “Listen, I don’t care whether you’re Black, white, green, or purple, all that matters is the exact contours of your skull that determines your inherent worth as a person,” said Kent, describing how he was of course morally disgusted by discrimination based on someone’s ethnicity or culture, as it was a much less accurate metric for how respectfully someone should be treated than the shape and size of their cranium. “Someone’s race isn’t going to tell you everything about them, it is their personality and potential as determined by calipers. People these days are so quick to make things about race or even gender, when understanding if someone is an inferior subhuman all comes down to the slope of their foreheads. And, yes, many times the measurements of the head correlates to race, but that’s not the primary thing to consider.” At press time, Kent added that if a particular race did dominate many others, that might likely be due to a genetic superiority.
Pros And Cons Of Parental Controls On Apps #~# Snapchat is the latest app to roll out parental controls in response to growing concerns about the kinds of content kids and teens can access online, but critics of parental controls say they can have unintended consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of parental controls on apps.
Local Priest Takes Great Pride In Never Having Molested Anyone #~# MARBLEHEAD, MA—Saying he had outlasted dozens of other clergy members lost to scandals and lawsuits, local priest Father Gregory Jordan told reporters Monday that he took great pride in never having molested anyone. “Back in the day, fellow priests were molesting kids left and right, but for whatever reason I’ve always found the willpower to put down my foot and decide I wasn’t going to sexually abuse  children,” said Jordan, who spoke with visible satisfaction as he noted that in all his decades serving his local parish, he had never once been reassigned for sexual misconduct with a choirboy or member of the youth ministry. “I got close, obviously. But I just never touched any of those kids. In my lowest moments, I can always point to that and tell myself, ‘You know, Greg, you really have done some good in this world.’ Thinking about all the young children whose lives I could have ruined by abusing them or making them undress in front of me, but then I didn’t do that? That’s pretty special.” At press time, Jordan added that he had been accused, of course, but that they were all lying.
$1.34 Billion Lottery Prize Still Unclaimed #~# The winner of the second largest lottery prize in Megamillions history has not yet come forward almost a month after the winning numbers were announced, officials saying the prize money will be returned to the contributing states if the winner fails to claim the money after a year. What do you think?
Study Finds Consumers Wish Self-Checkout Kiosk Would Tell Them They Did Great Job #~# BELLEAIR BLUFFS, FL—Concluding it would likely provide shoppers with a measure of affirmation and self-worth, a study published Monday by The Journal Of Consumer Affairs found that the vast majority of Americans wish self-checkout kiosks would tell them they did a great job. “Customers have repeatedly emphasized their desire for supermarket or pharmacy self-checkout machines to say that they bagged their food really well and deserve a pat on the back,” said study author Peter Hanlon, who discussed his team’s findings that large swaths of the shopping public wanted the kiosk to include a chirpy robotic voice congratulating them on their fantastic work and showering the display screen with digital confetti to celebrate their being such a good bagger today. “Interestingly, shoppers also wanted the kiosk to compliment them on their purchasing decisions, saying things like ‘Mmm, that looks good’ and providing words of encouragement during the checkout process such as ‘You’re doing awesome! Keep it up!’ But many said they would settle simply for the kiosk telling them that it loved them.” In a related finding, the study confirmed that many Americans were sick and  tired of the current kiosks getting on their fucking ass about putting things in the bagging area.
Bored Woman To Give Book Few More Chapters Just In Case Author Gets Better At Writing #~# BALTIMORE—Struggling to immerse herself in the new novel she had recently purchased, local reader Jasmine Morgan told reporters Monday she was going to give the book a few more chapters just in case the author got better at writing. “It’s pretty rough so far, but I’m going to be patient and see if his talent picks up,” said Morgan, who flipped ahead through the so-far underwhelming novel and sighed as she searched for any indication the author would become competent. “Who knows, maybe in the next few pages he’ll have enrolled in a workshop or seminar or something. It’s a pretty long book, too, so he has a lot of time to improve. Practice makes perfect, after all.” At press time, Morgan was reportedly holding out hope that the author would introduce an editor character soon.
Mary Peltola Defeats Sarah Palin To Become First Alaska Native Elected To Congress #~# Democrat Mary Peltola has won the special election for Alaska’s only U.S. House seat on Wednesday, beating former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to become Alaska’s first indigenous member of Congress and flipping a seat held by a Republican for half a century. What do you think?
Herschel Walker Brushes Up On Theoretical Physics, Linguistics To Formulate Ideal Conditions For Warnock Debate #~# SAVANNAH, GA—Having not yet committed to participate in any of three scheduled debates with incumbent Georgia Sen. Raphael Warnock, GOP challenger Herschel Walker was reportedly brushing up on theoretical physics and linguistics Friday in order to formulate the ideal conditions for a contest with his rival. “I don’t want to leap into a debate without first ensuring that an optimized set of variables will apply, both in terms of the formal assumptions implicit in my opponent’s rhetorical constructions and in terms of how, at a subatomic level, the phenomenon of quantum entanglement will dictate the event’s proceedings,” Walker said before taking to a whiteboard to diagram computational neural networks that he described as part of an effort to establish a rough framework for a theory of verbal cognition that could, hypothetically, be used to predict Warnock’s debate tactics. “I just need time for a refresher on lexical-functional grammar so I can better understand how syntactical structure relates to the morphology and semantics of language development in human societies. Then I should be able to calculate all possible arguments and counterarguments that, when viewed through the discursive model within which we’re operating, could posit effective strategies for connecting with voters.” Walker added that he hadn’t gone this deeply into these topics since he made a name for himself in the 1980s as a particle physicist at CERN.
Difficult-To-Follow Recipe Calls For Dish To Be Enjoyed With Friends #~# CHICAGO—Despite making an effort to cook more meals at home, local man Greg Francese reportedly hit a snag Friday when a difficult-to-follow recipe called for the dish to be enjoyed with friends. “Oh no, I should have read the whole thing before I got started, I don’t have any of those handy,” said the 34-year-old single man who lived alone upon realizing it was too late to go back to the grocery store to see if he could pick up any friends there. “I hate it when they have weird shit in the recipe that they just expect you to have heard of—where would I even find loved ones? They really should have included that in the ingredients list, because even if I did have another person or two lying around, it doesn’t say how much or when you add them in. It said 40 minutes prep time at the top, but that clearly doesn’t factor in a lifetime of cultivating meaningful relationships.” At press time, Francese was pleased to find that vinegar seemed to be an adequate substitute for human connection.
Greg Abbott Fills Last Few Open Seats On Migrant Bus With Jews #~# LAREDO, TX—In an effort to ensure he was getting the most for his money, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott reportedly filled the last open seats on his bus of migrants Friday with local Jews. “Eh, they’ll do,” said Abbott, who waved and watched as the chartered bus carrying Nicaraguan migrants, Venezuelan refugees, and U.S. citizens pulled out of the station. “We had seven empty seats on the bus, so I sent my team to knock on doors until they found a Jewish family. Might as well get a twofer. They’re Chicago’s problem now. I don’t know what they’ll do there, but they certainly don’t belong in Texas.” At press time, Abbott announced he had abandoned his plan to bus migrants out of state so resources could be focused exclusively on rounding up Jews.
NASA Announces Mars Rover Ran Into Jason Schwartzman But Didn’t Take Any Pictures Because It Didn’t Want To Be Weird #~# PASADENA, CA—Explaining that the agency was unable to provide direct evidence of its surprising encounter, NASA officials announced Friday that the Curiosity Rover ran into Jason Schwartzman on the surface of Mars but didn’t take any pictures because it didn’t want to be weird. “Our rover spotted the Darjeeling Limited star while exploring a crater that potentially held evidence of water, but chose to respect the privacy of Schwartzman, who was eating dinner with his family,” said NASA roboticist Meghana Chaudhary, adding that the rover initially thought the object was Jason Biggs before getting a little bit closer. “Curiosity indicated that it gave Schwartzman a wide berth to avoid bothering him. Though the rover enjoyed the most recent season of Fargo on FX, it doesn’t consider itself a Jason Schwartzman superfan or anything, so simply leaving the celebrity alone was no big deal. We  here at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory did ask for some pictures, but the rover explained that if it was famous, it would get annoyed with people coming up to it for photos all the time.” At press time, the Curiosity Rover confirmed Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson sightings, so NASA assumed they must all must be in town shooting a new movie.
Californians Explain Why They Oppose Drought Restrictions #~# With California facing an unprecedented drought, many cities have imposed strict water usage limits for their residents. The Onion asked Californians how they felt about the restrictions, and this is what they said.
Scientists Find Dolphins Only Other Mammals That Jet-Ski For Pleasure #~# SOUTH HADLEY, MA—Discovering an astonishing similarity between human and animal behavior, a study published Friday by zoologists at Mount Holyoke College  found that dolphins are the only other species of mammal that  jet-skis for pleasure. “After years of observation, we feel confident in saying that dolphins do share humanity’s penchant for jet-skiing as a recreational activity,” said lead researcher Professor Jaya Mendez, citing numerous instances of the aquatic species hopping aboard the personal watercrafts and splish-splashing about when there was no apparent biological or evolutionary reason for them to do so. “While we cannot yet say definitively that these marine animals are riding Jet Skis for the sole purpose of having a good time, the seemingly innate desire to hop aboard a Kawasaki and shred some waves certainly bolsters that theory. There have been many documented instances of other mammals, specifically squirrels and bears, commandeering Yamaha WaveRunners, but it remains clear that these were purely primal acts of survival with very little pleasure involved, if any. Dolphins, however, chop it up all summer long, often communicating an echolocated message akin to ‘woo hoo’ to the rest of their pod.” Mendez added that an MRI showed dolphins’ pleasure centers were located inside an area of the mammalian brain associated with tubing.
Cops Confident School Shooter Will Tucker Himself Out #~# AINSWORTH, OH—Members of law enforcement responding to a violent situation unfolding at McKinsdale Elementary School reportedly made the decision to stand down Friday after becoming confident that a school shooter would tucker himself out. “We’re hearing reports that he’s running through classrooms gunning down students at full speed, so you know that within a few minutes he’ll be too worn out to continue, and then we’ll get him,” said the visibly relaxed Ainsworth police chief, Ryan Lindsay, adding that a teacher who had called 911 reported that the gunman was carrying an AR-15, which was a pretty heavy firearm, so it probably wouldn’t be long now before he needed to sit down for a spell. “We just have to let him burn off some energy and let that adrenaline wear off, and then he’ll be right where we want him. Plus, the school security guard told us he saw the shooter exit the building through a door that locked behind him, so to reenter and continue killing children he had to run all the way around the school to the front door , which probably took a lot out of the little guy. If everyone just remains calm, the assailant should be ready to rest his weary bones in no time.” The police chief added that the officers were encouraged by reports from those trapped in the school who said the shooter was headed for the kindergarten, which was a classroom with a lot of pillows that might tempt him to lie down and take a nap. 
Poll Finds 43% Of Americans Expect Civil War Within Next 10 Years #~# A new poll of 1,500 American citizens found that 43% of them think it’s likely a civil war will break out over the next decade, with Republicans more likely to believe it will take place soon. What do you think?
The Onion Fact-Checks Claims About Student Loan Debt #~# President Joe Biden’s plan to forgive up to $20,000 of some Americans’ student loans has inspired widespread political debate. The Onion fact-checks claims about Biden’s plan and student loan debt in general.
Mississippi Governor Sends Emergency Workers To Contain Jackson Flood To Black Areas #~# JACKSON, MS—Declaring a state of emergency as more than 180,000 residents lost access to potable water, Mississippi Gov. Tate Reeves dispatched emergency workers to Jackson on Thursday in an attempt to keep the flood contained to Black parts of the city. “I want the residents of our capital city to rest assured that help is on the way, and that you have the full force of the state’s emergency services behind you as long as you aren’t Black,” Reeves said during a press briefing after signing an executive order that provided officials with “any and all funds necessary” to ensure the 20% of Jackson’s population that wasn’t African American remained dry. “Our fellow Mississippians are in danger right now, and we are doing everything we can to make sure the right ones are taken care of. Sandbags are being placed along the borders of Woodland Hills, Eastover, and Sherwood-Audubon as we speak, and I have authorized teams on the ground to begin pumping floodwaters—if there happen to still be any over there—back into the more urbanized centers of town to be dealt with at a later time, should resources permit.” Reeves went on to make an impassioned plea for donations of bottled water in quantities sufficient to keep fountains and backyard pools operational in all gated communities. 
Ohio 5th Graders Annoyed That Friend Forced To Give Birth Only Talks About Baby Stuff Now #~# OAKWOOD, OH—Noting how weird she’d been ever since the state of Ohio had required her to carry a child to term, local 5th graders told reporters Thursday that their friend Hannah who was forced to give birth only wanted to talk about baby stuff now. “It’s not like we don’t love her, but ever since she got pregnant and had to have a baby, all she cares about is gross stuff like diapers, spit up, and milk,” said 10-year-old Kayla Sanders, adding that Hannah, who used to go with them to the mall, have sleepovers, and watch movies, never wanted to do anything other than stay home and take care of her 2-week-old infant daughter. “She’s still my bestie and all, but she barely ever even comes to school anymore, and when she does, she just kind of falls asleep. Plus she will not shut up about breastfeeding and stuff. It’s like, ew. Gross. Are you trying to make us all puke?” At press time, Sanders said she also said her friend Hannah had been super weird ever since her stepdad got arrested a few months ago and went to jail.
Mikhail Gorbachev, Soviet Leader Who Took Down Iron Curtain, Dead At 91 #~# Mikhail Gorbachev, who as the last leader of the Soviet Union played a central role in ending the Cold War but failed to prevent the collapse of the USSR, has died. What do you think?
FDA Requires Cigarette Packs Have Image Of Cigarette Pack Which Itself Has Smaller Image Of Cigarette Pack To Make Smokers Question Where This All Ends #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Issuing its latest regulations governing the sale of tobacco products, the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that cigarette packs would now be required to feature an image of a cigarette pack, which itself must bear a smaller image of a cigarette pack, which in turn will have an even smaller image of a cigarette pack, and so on, forcing smokers to ask where this all ends. “In addition to cigarettes containing critical health warnings, we are hoping this photo of the pack recursively appearing within itself in tinier and tinier versions that seem to go on forever will really give tobacco users something to wrap their heads around,” said FDA representative Samuel Viejo, adding that numerous studies had concluded that having a picture of a cigarette pack on a cigarette pack ad infinitum caused smokers to wonder whether they were developing a habit that might continue on and on and on, far beyond the bounds of human comprehension. “We may well see a drop in the smoking rate if people realize they cannot begin to fathom where their tobacco use will lead them, knowing only that it stretches perpetually onward into the deep, unknowable void. Speaking for myself, I can say that staring at this new packaging for a few minutes gave me a headache that will certainly make me think twice about ever picking up a cigarette.” The announcement comes on the heels of an FDA regulation issued last week that required all fast food establishments to display each menu item’s calorie content as the square root of negative one.
Hawaiian Travel Ad Boasts Sandy White Tourists As Far As The Eye Can See #~# HONOLULU—Coaxing viewers to come enjoy all the islands have to offer, a new Hawaii Visitors and Convention Bureau ad boasted Thursday of sandy white tourists as far as the eye could see. “Hawaii is world-renowned for the shimmering, alabaster vacationers lining its popular shorelines,” said a soothing voiceover in the 30-second TV spot, which faded between shots of Caucasian Americans milling about a shopping district in Waikiki, trampling over rare endemic flora at Haleakala National Park, and cannonballing into resort swimming pools while Hawaii residents face water shortages. “Watch the beautiful Pacific waves crash onto the blindingly white visitors from Ohio and Nebraska who drain local resources without a care in the world. Once you say aloha to the hordes of albino tourists stretching for miles along the coast, you’ll find your worries about exploiting these islands and their people melt away.” The commercial concludes with a mention of the islands’ famous sunsets, in which “nature puts on a spectacular show” that features dramatic, dazzling shades of crimson red reflecting off sunburned bodies.
Family Convinces Itself Grandmother Wanted Her Ashes Scattered Over Funeral Home Parking Lot #~# CHICAGO—Insisting that large expanses of asphalt were where Nana felt most at home, members of late Camila García’s family convinced themselves Thursday that their grandmother  would have wanted her ashes scattered over the funeral home parking lot. “She loved this area and always went to the Burger King nearby, so spreading her ashes across the parking area of this funeral home seems like a fitting tribute,” said Sofia Moreno, daughter of the deceased, claiming the location was more appropriate than the Mexican village of her mother’s childhood, given that the beloved matriarch likely spent more time in and around parking lots like the one at the funeral home. “She was in a wheelchair, the ashes fell on a handicapped parking space. It just makes sense. There’s actually something touching about the fact that her ashes will rest for all eternity next to an empty can of her favorite beer, Modelo.” At press time, the family said it was a sign from God that a car drove over their grandmother’s ashes, considering she died after getting hit by one.
Conservatives Explain What They Will Do If Trump Is Prosecuted #~# The Onion asked conservatives what they would do if Donald Trump is prosecuted.
Nebraska Man Shatters Record For Longest Trip In Pumpkin Boat #~# A 60-year-old Nebraska man set a new world record after paddling 38 miles down a river in a 846-pound hollowed-out pumpkin he grew himself. What do you think?
Tom Brady, Gisele Bündchen Announce Divorce After 13 Years Of Marriage #~# Super Bowl-winning quarterback Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bündchen announced that they “amicably finalized” their divorce after 13 years of marriage. What do you think?
Chuck Grassley Facing Toughest Election Challenge Since Reconstruction #~# DES MOINES, IA—With polls showing him just three points ahead of Democratic challenger Mike Franken, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) appeared to be facing his toughest reelection bid since Reconstruction, top political observers confirmed Monday. “Not since his tight race against Greenback Party candidate Thaddeus Obadiah Deadmore in 1874 has Grassley faced such stiff competition to retain his seat,” said Iowa-based pollster J. Ann Selzer, explaining how the 37-term senator was forced to moderate his stance on returning to the gold standard in order to defeat Deadmore, who firmly opposed bullion-based currency and the resumption of specie payments. “In 1910, Grassley’s 14-hour filibuster against the Mann Act, which outlawed the trafficking of prostitutes, cost him dearly at the polls, but he remained Iowa’s senior senator. And this year, as long as voters look past his historic ties to railroad tycoons, he should be able to eke out a win.” At press time, Grassley’s campaign was reportedly in crisis mode after the senator’s youthful comments praising King George III came to light.
Child Forced Into Pumpkin Costume Feels First Twinge Of Rage That Will One Day Make Him Mass Shooter #~# WINAMAC, IN—As the previously latent fury hidden deep within him began to awaken, sources reported Monday that a local child forced into a pumpkin costume felt the first twinge of a rage that would one day inspire him to become a mass shooter and commit indiscriminate murder. 
Disappointed Trick-Or-Treater Was Really Hoping To Get At Least One Pack Of Fentanyl #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Scouring the bag of candy before throwing it across the room in defeat, disappointed trick-or-treater Olivia Vercetti, 8, told reporters Monday that she was really hoping to get at least one pack of fentanyl this Halloween. “Aw, man, everybody was supposed to be giving out rainbow fentanyl this year, and I didn’t even get a single pill,” said Vercetti, adding that she even examined her haul of candy for any packages that were open or looked tampered with just in case the colorful opioids were hidden inside, but she still came up empty. “I was expecting my neighborhood to be flooded with rainbow fentanyl  to get kids addicted, and instead I get a box of Whoppers? I can’t OD on that! I thought for sure the rundown house where the weird guy lives would  have them, but he was too cheap to give out any drugs.” At press time, a visibly excited Vercetti was said to have downed an entire bag of rainbow tablets she found before sadly declaring they were nothing but useless, nontoxic Smarties.
Guy At Halloween Party Dropped Hundreds On Fancy Pirate Costume He’ll Wear Maybe 50 Times A Year #~# CORVALLIS, OR—Pointing out the absolute waste of money on display, Halloween party sources told reporters Monday that guest Daniel Sarpitta dropped hundreds on a fancy pirate costume that he’ll wear maybe 50 times a year. “Don’t get me wrong, the costume looks amazing, but to pay that much for an 18th-century pirate costume you’re only going to use a few times a month is a bit extreme,” said partygoer Elana Jeffries, adding that even though she could see him wearing the pricey pirate costume at a birthday party or a wedding, or to celebrate Valentine’s Day or Arbor Day, or even popping the waistcoat and cocked hat on for a random three or four weekends a month just for fun, it still didn’t justify the cost. “Seriously, how many times is he actually going to use that expensive robotic parrot besides the two solid months I can think of? I mean, I still regret the $100 I once spent on an Austin Powers costume that I only wore for six months straight.” Jeffries continued that she guarantees Sarpitta puts the costume away for good once May Day rolls around and doesn’t take it back out again until Cinco de Mayo. 
Conservatives Explain Why They Are Terrified Of New York City #~# The Onion asked conservatives why they fear the fetid hellhole that is the five boroughs of New York City, and this is what they said.
Just Once, Dachshund Would Love To Dress Up As Something Other Than Hot Dog #~# RICHMOND HEIGHTS, MO—Noting that his enthusiasm for the plush costume had started to wane over the past few years, local dachshund Toby told reporters Monday that just once, he would love to dress up as something other than a hot dog for Halloween. “There are plenty of foods I could be for Halloween—a pickle, a banana, a submarine sandwich,” said the 6-year-old canine, who expressed frustration over having to wear the same old wiener costume year after year without his owners so much as bothering to switch up the toppings on his back. “You’re saying a long-bodied dog can’t be a pumpkin? Hell, it doesn’t even have to be food. Space alien, pirate ship, cow, wizard—I could pull them all off if they’d only give me a shot. I don’t see them wearing the same costume every year. Why’s it all about my body, anyway? I’m a smart dog too, not just long. Dress me up as a doctor.” At press time, Toby’s mood had reportedly turned around after discovering a year-old stain on the costume to lick.
Sobbing Husband Doesn’t Understand Why He Can’t Bring Fake Sword With Him To Work #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Growing increasingly incensed at the inherent unfairness of the situation, sobbing husband Luke Williams is said to have told his spouse Monday that he still didn’t understand why he couldn’t bring a fake sword with him into work. “How are any of my coworkers going to know about my cool sword moves if I can’t bring my sword along?” said the red-faced 35-year-old, who reportedly stomped his feet in frustration as he stressed that it wasn’t even a real sword and that he had promised several times to never hit a person with it. “My ninja costume isn’t even going to make sense anymore without the sword! Why are you always like this? You ruin everything!” At press time, sources confirmed that Williams’ wife had  been called into the office to pick him up early after he brought a toy squirt gun to work.
Study: Conservative Policies Linked To Higher Mortality Rates #~# A new study found that Americans die younger in conservative states than in those governed by liberals, with simulations showing that changing state policies to fully liberal could have saved more than 171,000 lives in 2019. What do you think?
Man Wishes More People Would Applaud Restraint For Not Doing Blackface With Prison Jumpsuit Costume #~# CINCINNATI—Noting that no one at the party seemed to appreciate all the careful thought that went into his outfit, local man Mark Whitmer told reporters Monday that he wished more people would applaud his restraint for not doing blackface with his prison jumpsuit Halloween costume. “Look, I know some people didn’t like the stereotypical prison inmate costume I wore, but I do think I deserve some credit for not putting any black face paint on my skin tonight whatsoever,” said Whitmer, adding that while he got extremely close to covering his hands, neck, and face in a dark shade of brown, he ultimately opted at the last minute to scale back and just go as a white prisoner instead. “Truth be told, with the costume’s ball and chain and handcuffs, it took almost all of my willpower not to run to the store, buy a curly-haired wig, put on a do-rag, and head straight to the party. But hey, I didn’t do that! I did the right thing, held myself back, and left all the good stuff on the cutting room floor.” Whitmer went on to state that more people also should have appreciated the fact that he spoke in African American Vernacular English the entire night yet only said the “N-word” a few times.
Jose Altuve Still Can’t Get Over How Small He Looks Out There #~# HOUSTON—Marveling to himself as he looked up at a replay on the stadium scoreboard, Houston Astros second baseman Jose Altuve was reportedly heard saying that he still couldn’t get over how small he looked out there. “My God, I look so tiny up there—it seriously gets me every time,” said the awestruck Altuve, adding that there was “no way in hell” he was as tall as his 5-foot-6-inch listed height. “You’d think that after a decade in the majors I’d be used to it, but every time I see myself out there, I just get totally blown away by how small I am. See me up there next to Yordan [Alvarez]? The height discrepancy looks ridiculous. Every time I see myself, I just can’t believe a guy that small can play professional baseball.” At press time, Altuve was asking those around him if he used a child-size glove out there or what.
What Conservatives Are Saying About Elon Musk Buying Twitter #~# Elon Musk took control of the social media site Twitter this week with a $44 billion deal. The Onion asked conservatives what they thought about Musk buying Twitter.
Ballot Paper Shortage Could Cause Problems On Election Day #~# Election officials warn that the 2022 midterms could be impacted by a ballot paper shortage brought about by supply chain issues during the pandemic and worsened by editing mistakes or last-minute changes to local ballots requiring a large-scale reprint. What do you think?
Pentagon Warns U.S. That They Had Scary Dream About China #~# WASHINGTON—Still trembling after the “startlingly lifelike” nightmare, Pentagon officials warned the nation Friday that they had a scary dream about China. “China was chasing us, and they had a knife,” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, who suggested that the rival superpower could be more of an imminent threat than previously believed after the “super freaky” experience left officials drenched in sweat and “too scared to even go down the hallway for a glass of water.” “We tried to run as fast as we could, but it was right there over our shoulder, laughing, and it had fangs! China tried to bite us! It was like China, but it wasn’t China, do you know what I mean? I know it doesn’t sound that scary, but trust me. It was so bad.” At press time, Austin sheepishly added that Pentagon officials had had a wet dream about Taiwan. 
Man Can’t Remember What He Ran Into Burning Building For #~# BANGOR, ME—Explaining that he had drawn a total blank and could no longer say why he had braved the  smoke and  flames, local man Todd Stringer confirmed Friday that he simply could not recall what he had run into a burning building for. “I know I came in here to get something, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was,” said Stringer, choking and coughing as he attempted to retrace his thought process from the point at which he had first noticed a nearby café was on fire to his decision to enter the partially collapsed structure. “Could it have been a kid, or a dog? Staff trapped in the kitchen, maybe? Shit, I dunno. There had to be something, though. I wouldn’t have just wandered in here for no reason.” At press time, Stringer had reportedly decided to look around the towering inferno for a while to see if anything might jog his memory.
Texas Launches Outreach Program To Provide Troubled Teens With Assault Rifles #~# AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to enact meaningful change at the community level, Gov. Greg Abbott announced Friday that Texas had launched an outreach program to provide troubled teens with assault rifles. “Starting today, the State of Texas will work with local leaders to identify  students most at-risk of perpetuating violence and will pair them with the highest-quality semi-automatic rifles that money can buy,” Abbott said at a press conference, adding that the new policy would help break down the barriers to entry that so many underserved teens faced when trying to purchase a firearm, and would do so by providing free target practice, bump stocks, and hundreds of magazines of bullets. “For too long, these troubled teens have had to go through life feeling powerless because the only guns at their disposal were low-quality, illegally purchased rifles or shotguns. With this program, they will be alone no more, as we will assign them a like-minded, unstable mentor, who can teach them to write manifestos, threaten their peers, and effectively carry out a mass shooting with one of the world’s most dangerous firearms.” At press time, after a flood of interest, Abbott announced that Texas had extended the assault rifle program to troubled children as young as 5 years old.
Mark Zuckerberg Holds All-Company Meeting To Announce His Metaverse Avatar Is Crying #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Following a stock plunge that saw $80 billion wiped from the Facebook parent’s market cap, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg held an all-company meeting to announce that his metaverse avatar was crying, sources inside the company reported Friday. “I have with a heavy heart called you all here today to discuss the fact that my avatar in the metaverse is currently weeping,” said Zuckerberg, forcing his entire staff to wear Oculus goggles as the teary-eyed digital version of himself explained that losing all that money had made it very sad. “Though my real-life body is unable to cry, my metaverse avatar has no such limitations. It’s okay if your avatars are crying too, given how much of your compensation is tied up in stock options. That said, would anyone like to comfort my avatar by giving it a digital hug?” At press time, Zuckerberg’s wailing metaverse avatar was reportedly threatening to blow its digital brains out.
Military Recruiter Tells Teen About Opportunity To Experience Exciting New Medical Conditions #~# DUNLAP, TN—Running through a few of the many benefits of serving in the Army, U.S. military recruiter Brad Usborne reportedly informed a teen Friday that if he joined he would have the opportunity to experience a great many exciting new medical conditions. “When you enlist, you’ll be able to develop asthma, heart disease, lung cancer, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, you name it—and that’s just from the burn pits,” said Usborne, explaining that the 18-year-old would encounter so much more than the boring coughs and sniffles he knew from the common cold back home, and would get to know a whole new world of debilitating physical and mental disorders during and after his deployment. “From day one, you’ll be expanding your medical record with severe PTSD and treatment-resistant depression. And if you’re lucky, you’ll even get to see what it’s like to lose a limb or develop chronic pain from shrapnel that has ripped through your body.” At press time, Usborne was telling the teen all about the bureaucratic incompetence and corruption he’d have the privilege to deal with at the VA once he retires.
Candidate Breakdown: John Fetterman Vs. Mehmet Oz #~# The close Pennsylvania Senate race between John Fetterman and Mehmet Oz could decide which party controls the upper chamber of Congress after the midterms. The Onion looks at the backgrounds of Fetterman and Oz, as well as where both stand on key issues.
Parents Share Their Biggest Fears About Trick-Or-Treating #~# Halloween can present many potential dangers to children, who are often young and idiotic. The Onion asked parents to share their biggest fears about trick-or-treating.
EPA Awards Nearly $1 Billion To Schools For Electric Buses #~# Nearly 400 school districts spanning all 50 states and Washington, D.C., along with several tribes and U.S. territories, are receiving roughly $1 billion in grants to purchase about 2,500 “clean” school buses under a new federal program. What do you think?
Alito Says Leaked Abortion Opinion Made Conservative Justices Targets For Assassination #~# Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito has claimed that the leak of the draft opinion to overturn Roe v. Wade earlier this year endangered the lives of justices by putting a target on their backs. What do you think?
Kanye West Bursts Into Pepperidge Farm With Pitch For Shoe Cookie #~# NORWALK, CT—Arriving unannounced with a grand vision for a revolutionary collaboration, the musician and fashion designer Ye, formerly known as Kanye West, burst into Pepperidge Farm corporate offices with a pitch for a new shoe cookie, sources confirmed Thursday. “This next-level combo of fashion and snacks combines two things everyone loves: shoes and cookies,” Ye said as he pushed his way into a routine budget meeting, waving what appeared to be a hasty concept sketch of dough sprinkled with chocolate chips and molded into the shape of a high-top sneaker, a product he told startled employees would come in numerous flavors and cost $900 per pair. “We got shortbread shoes, oatmeal raisin shoes, peanut butter shoes, snickerdoodle. I’m about innovation, and I know Pepperidge Farm isn’t scared to take a bold risk and launch Yeezy Munchers, a delicious footwear brand that people can both wear and eat and that will make us billions of dollars.” At press time, a call to building security had reportedly been canceled after Ye spotted a loaf of Pepperidge Farm Jewish Rye  bread and agreed to leave voluntarily. 
Herschel Walker Claims He’s Honorary Confederate Soldier #~# WRIGHTSVILLE, GA—Pulling a kepi out from his jacket and flashing the cap for all to see as evidence of rank within the army, Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker claimed Thursday that he was an honorary Confederate soldier. “Although I may not have fought directly in Gettysburg or Antietam, I am a 100% real officer in the Confederate States of America,” said Walker, who drew criticism for stating he was “suited up in my grays and ready to go to battle, sir” in response to a reporter who asked whether or not he would vote to raise the debt ceiling. “I spoke with Robert E. Lee personally, and he made me a first lieutenant in the 63rd infantry. My opponent wants to defund the Confederate army. Well, he’ll have to get through my regiment first. I have a sword, too.” At press time, Walker added states’ rights were the most important issue to him.
Adidas Attempts To Make Amends With Jewish Community By Signing Woody Allen #~# HERZOGENAURACH, GERMANY—Scrambling  to address past wrongs in the wake of Kanye  West’s recent antisemitic remarks, sportswear manufacturer Adidas announced Thursday that they hoped to make  amends with the Jewish community by signing renowned director Woody  Allen. “Woody has always been at the forefront of chronicling the  Jewish-American experience, from his enduring turn in Annie Hall to the more mature work seen in Manhattan and Stardust Memories,  which is why we could not be happier to welcome him as our newest  Adidas brand ambassador,” said spokesperson Steven Marchese of the  Adidas x Woody streetwear line of sneakers and tracksuits, which would  be patterned with iconic stills of the 86-year-old director and writer  spanning his career from early hits like Take The Money And Run to modern classics such as Blue Jasmine and Midnight In Paris.  “Along with his creative partner Soon-Yi, Woody’s already pitched us some  fantastic ideas for couple’s clothing. It’s really innovative thinking  that shows why he’s always been at the top of his game. He’s apparently  been a fan of the brand for years, too, so this is a very natural fit.”  Adidas added that they had begun rolling out several commercial spots featuring  Allen wearing a puffy Adidas jacket around New York City  with the tagline “no room for hate.”
Most Controversial Medical Claims Made By Dr. Oz #~# The current GOP Senate candidate and former TV doctor has a long history of endorsing medical procedures that many have called “questionable” or “pseudoscience.” Here are the most controversial medical claims made by Dr. Mehmet Oz.
Mom Frustrated Son Waited To Say He Needs Halloween Costume Until Night Before His Office Party #~# EVANSTON, IL—Sighing with exasperation at the last-minute request, local mom Nancy Andrews expressed frustration Thursday when her son Tim Andrews waited until the night before to tell her he needed a costume for a Halloween celebration at his office. “Why didn’t you say something about this earlier—it’s been on your team’s Google calendar for weeks, hasn’t it?” the visibly aggravated mother said in response to her  son’s explosive tantrum, before digging around her closet for something the 37-year-old marketing associate could wear to the party being thrown in his employer’s break room.  “How about a Golden Girl? You can borrow my pearls. Oh, go try on your Spider-Man costume from last year, maybe it still fits. I don’t care if you want to be Severus Snape, mister, you should have thought about that when the mall was still open. Here, see if you fit inside this box… There! You’re a Transformer.” At press time, Andrews’ son had reportedly called her from the office crying after he showed up in costume on the wrong day.
We Polled Every American On Their Abortion Policy Preferences #~# Following the Supreme Court’s overturning of the landmark Roe v. Wade decision in June, abortion is one of the major issues at stake in the midterms, with Americans divided on policy. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their preferred abortion policy preference. 
Tourists Stranded In Grand Canyon Caverns For 24 Hours After Elevator Breaks #~# Five tourists were rescued 24 hours after an elevator malfunction trapped them 200 feet underground at Arizona’s Grand Canyon Caverns. What do you think?
Patriot Honored To Be Lied To By His Country #~# NAPERVILLE, IL—Declaring his undying fealty and gratitude to the United States of America, local patriot Tyler Wardley told reporters Thursday that he was honored to be lied to by his country. “The lengths that the ruling class of this country go to trick me and my fellow everyday Americans, the sheer amount of falsehoods they grind into us, it’s really something to be proud of,” said Wardley, adding that regardless of race, creed, class, or gender, all Americans could celebrate living in a nation where there is so much time, money, and energy expended on their manipulation. “I don’t know how they do it in other countries, but in America there’s a massive, concerted effort to shield the truth about the way things actually are from people like me, and I am grateful that the little guy can inspire such an immense dedication to blatant dishonesty. From sea to shining sea, fabrications and distortions are the American way, and I just think we all ought to be really gratified that the government and financial elite are so resolutely dedicated to lying to us.” The American patriot noted that, like many of his countrymen, his patriotism went back generations, as his own grandfather died being lied to by this country.
Nation’s Boys Announce They Will Do Better In School If They Get PS5 #~# NEW  YORK—In response to reports about a growing achievement gap with girls,  the nation’s boys announced Thursday that they would definitely do  better in school if they get a PlayStation 5. “If you buy us a PS5, we  promise we’ll try super hard in class—especially if you get us a PS5  Pro, which has really good graphics,” said fourth-grader Tyler Grady, a  spokesperson for the country’s 40 million boys, who pledged that they  would start reading at their grade level and making sure to pay attention  in the classroom as long as they received Sony’s latest console and a  copy of Lego Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga. “We know some people  are worried that we’re going to spend all our time playing the PS5 and  our grades will just get even worser [sic], but we swear we’ll only play an  hour a day. You don’t have to get us a strong male role model or change  to a new approach to teaching literacy. Just get us a PS5, and maybe a  Nintendo Switch. And if you don’t do that, then that’s really unfair  because the girls got everything they want, and then when we drop out of  school it’ll all be your fault.” At press time, the nation’s adult males  commended the statement and added that they would stop overdosing on  fentanyl if someone got them a copy of God Of War: Ragnarok. 
Is It Just Me, Or Do The Sex Dreams About Santa Start Earlier And Earlier Each Year? #~# Hello. Well, it’s here already: another holiday season. Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas more than anyone, but you have to admit, it feels just a little less special when we’re thinking about the Yuletide spirit and there’s not even snow on the ground yet. I mean, seriously, is it just me, or do the intense, sweaty sex dreams about fucking and being fucked by Santa Claus start earlier and earlier every year?
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 8 Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week eight games.
Adidas Drops Kanye West Over Antisemetic Remarks #~# Adidas ended its partnership with rapper Kanye West over his offensive and antisemitic remarks, the latest company to cut ties with Ye and a decision that the German sportwear company said would hit its bottom line. What do you think?
What To Know About New U.K. Prime Minister Rishi Sunak #~# Rishi Sunak became the new prime minister of the United Kingdom on Monday, replacing Liz Truss. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Sunak.
Black Man Informed He Pretty Articulate For A Fundamentally Subhuman Life Form #~# SALT LAKE CITY—After he astonished a coworker who previously thought what she was witnessing was nearly impossible, sources confirmed Wednesday that a local Black man was informed he was pretty articulate for a fundamentally subhuman life form. “Wow, it’s nice to meet an innately inferior being who is so well spoken,” said Pam Jensen, who works with the Black man at Beckstead Media Solutions, adding that she had assumed, upon seeing her colleague’s skin color, that she would have to communicate with him through a series of overt physical gestures and simple, loudly spoken phrases. “What a pleasant surprise! To be honest, when I walked into the room just now and saw there was a primitive creature of limited intelligence in here, I wasn’t even expecting you to be coherent, let alone eloquent. For a moment there you had me thinking you might not be a savage beast who deserved to die in the street, but that’s silly, of course!” At press time, the Black man had reportedly been reprimanded by HR for using his broad command of language to thoroughly curse out his coworker.
Vague New Dating Site Caters To People Who Like To…You Know, Do That Certain Thing #~# SAN FRANCISCO—With a platform designed to achieve a high match rate among singles within its specific dating pool, a vague new dating site called “A Date” launched this week, catering to people who like to…you know, do that certain thing. “With ‘A Date,’ users can feel confident that when they sign up, they will only be paired with people who do or like or feel that, uh, common thing,” said spokesperson Garrett Pullen, adding that anyone who registered had to specify that they were single, looking to date, and had a passion, love, or interest in “it,” whatever “it” meant. “In today’s dating world, it can be hard to find someone who you can confidently say shares your…whatever you do. So take the guesswork out of dating! If that thing is what you do, then this is the place to go.” At press time, Pullen told reporters that the site had shut down after you know…that thing that was bad…uh, happened.
Something Called ‘Guacamole Donut’ Burying News Of Dozens Of School Shootings #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the strange new deep-fried, cake-like pastry was all but dominating news feeds, sources confirmed Wednesday that something called a “guacamole donut” was burying coverage of dozens of school shootings. 
Assisted Living Center Gives Residents Independence To Wander Off And Die On Their Own #~# NEW YORK—Emphasizing the importance of helping elderly Americans maintain their dignity, officials from Silver Spring assisted living center told reporters Wednesday that they strove to give residents the independence to wander off and die on their own. “Our philosophy at Silver Spring has always been to give our older tenants the freedom and space they need to walk through the front door, fall down somewhere out of sight, and perish far away from prying eyes,” said Silver Spring director Greg Antoine, who described how the center strived to make  residents feel like equals to the staff, allowing them to cook their own meals and start a fire that would consume their bodies, or to head out alone for a grocery store run on which they could be hit by a truck. “In fact, whenever our swim classes start, our attendants just leave the room for a few hours. When they come back, some residents are floating facedown. That’s their choice, and we respect that. It’s demeaning to deprive them of that sort of liberty just because they’re a bit older.” Antoine added that the center’s rules even gave more functional residents the chance to get in a car and drive directly off a cliff.
Woman Charged With Sending Swarm Of Bees To Attack Deputies Serving Eviction Notice #~# A Massachusetts woman is facing multiple assault and battery charges for releasing a swarm of bees on sheriff’s deputies as they tried to serve her an eviction notice. What do you think?
Student Sent To Principal’s Office For Refusing To Masturbate To Flag During Pledge #~# ARLINGTON, TX—In a move that administrators at James Madison High School called “incredibly disrespectful,” 12th-grade student James Grayson was reportedly sent to the principal’s office Tuesday for refusing to masturbate to the American flag. “Today, James decided not to participate in the Pledge of Allegiance, refusing to  stand, face the flag, and place his right hand on his genitals,” said principal Francesca Randall, adding that the disobedient 17-year-old instead sat quietly with his arms at his sides while his 30 fellow classmates gladly stuck their hands down their pants and pleasured themselves to completion. “At this school, we respect tradition, and we make sure that every morning we salute our nation when we recite the Pledge together in one voice and, all at once, achieve simultaneous climax. Then after a brief rest we turn and face the Texas flag and do it all over again. No exceptions.” At press time, James had reportedly been sent to the principal’s office again after he scoffed, refused to say “under God,” and began masturbating sarcastically.
What To Tell A 10-Year-Old Who Has Been Denied An Abortion #~# If you know a pregnant 10-year-old who has been denied the right to terminate her pregnancy, here are some comforting things you can say.
Rishi Sunak Named U.K. Prime Minister #~# Former U.K. treasury chief Rishi Sunak has become Britain’s first prime minister of color after being chosen to lead a governing Conservative Party, the third person to take the job amid a politically and economically turbulent year for the country. What do you think?
Mother Informs Children That Grandpa Has Died For Real This Time #~# TULSA, OK—Sitting the kids down to break the bad news for the final time, local mother Julia Ivey informed her children Tuesday that their grandfather had died for real this time. “I know I’ve said this before, but Grandpa is actually dead now,” said Ivey, emphasizing that this death wasn’t like the many false alarms when her sickly father, Burt Hamblett, had seemed certain to succumb to one of his numerous medical conditions and she, along with her son and daughter, had rushed to the hospital and said their goodbyes. “Really, he’s 100% dead this time. Both his heart and his brain have stopped working completely. He’s beyond resuscitation. Why are you guys rolling your eyes? I’m serious.” At press time, an official from the hospital morgue had reportedly called to inform Ivey that her father had somehow managed to pull through.
Netflix Limits Users To One Eye Per Screen #~# LOS GATOS, CA—In response to reports that the streaming giant had lost significant revenue to rampant account sharing, Netflix announced Tuesday it had begun to crack down on users and limit them to a single eyeball per screen. “Starting today, account holders who watch Netflix programs will only be allowed to do so with one eye at a time, and should they attempt to use more, their account will immediately be frozen,” said CEO Ted Sarandos, adding that subscribers could have either their left eye or their right eye open, but using both would trigger a warning message. “While we want as many users as possible to enjoy Netflix’s revolutionary slate of programs, users will now be required to either close one eyelid, cover an eye with their hand, or alternatively, gouge out an eyeball. Should viewers wish to use both eyes to consume our content, they are invited to pay an additional $2.99 per month.” At press time, Sarandos announced plans to begin cracking down on account holders who use both ears to listen to Netflix content, but said they could absolutely use all senses while watching the company’s newly implemented advertisements.
Biblical Historians Reveal Jesus Christ Chose Stage Name To Sound Less Jewish #~# OXFORD, ENGLAND—Unearthing text excluded from the canonical Bible during the First Council of Nicaea, biblical historians at the University of Oxford revealed Thursday that the man recognized by Christians as the Son of God chose Jesus Christ as a stage name in order to come off as less Jewish. “According to these newly discovered writings, Jesus was advised that He would never make it as a religious figure or be worshipped by billions with a last name like Moskowitz,” textual scholar Dean Wilson said of the reconstructed Gospel passage, in which Jesus appears to adopt the surname Christ so He can appeal to a broader audience in the antisemitic Roman Empire. “As Jesus Moskowitz, He had done pretty well drawing local crowds in Galilee, but He concluded that if He ever wanted to be anything more than a small-time cult leader with some revolutionary ideas, He’d need a less ethnic-sounding name. And of course, it was as Jesus Christ that He achieved worldwide success. He was so pleased with the change that He later advised Saul of Taurus to drop his Hebrew name for the Latinized Paul in order to attract more Romans to Christianity.” The new finding by biblical scholars follows a startling discovery last year in which art historians concluded that frequent depictions of Jesus with European features merely reflect the fact that Christ’s vanity and His hunger for fame and glory led Him to get nose job.
Women Explain Why Men Under 30 Are Unfuckable #~# Recent polls found that American men under 30 are not having sex. The Onion asked U.S. women to explain why males under the age of 30 are so unfuckable.
Man Suspends Disbelief To Watch Film Where Regular Person Changes For The Better #~# SALIDA, CO—Acknowledging that the unrealistic fantasy elements didn’t have to make sense to be enjoyed, local man Caleb Deakins told reporters Tuesday he was suspending disbelief to watch a film in which a regular person changed for the better. “This obviously would never happen in real life, so I’m just gonna switch off my brain and have fun watching a character who starts off as a shitty person and somehow becomes a good person, for the sake of entertainment,” said Deakins, explaining that it’s best not to think too hard about the ridiculous premise that a person could ever progress emotionally. “It’s nice to imagine the kind of world where a person who is selfish and cruel to others would be able to turn into less of a bad person, even if it’s a little far-fetched. Is it completely preposterous that a person could not only change, but change for the better? Totally, but that’s the magic of movies, so I’m not going to put any real-world value judgments on it and will instead just kick back and appreciate its whimsical charm.” At press time, Deakins added that he was completely disappointed with the film’s unbelievable ending in which the main character was genuinely happy with life.
Bitch Waitress Apparently Not Going To Post About $1,000 Tip On Social Media #~# MIAMI—Describing the 26-year-old restaurant worker as an “ingrate” and a “bitch,” sources reported Tuesday that local waitress Tia Murray was apparently not going to use social media  to post about the $1,000 tip she had received. “So she’s just going to keep it to herself, huh?” said sources, who noted that it had been nearly a week since the server had been left the four-figure gratuity, and they had not yet seen a single viral tweet, Instagram post, or Facebook screenshot applauding the selfless act. “It’s not that hard. She just has to take a picture of the receipt. The post practically writes itself. I really thought the local news reporters would have started calling by now. Is she not on social media or something? How’s that even possible? My Google alerts aren’t picking up a damn thing either. I’m going to doxx that piece of shit.” At press time, Murray was reportedly still seething over being shorted on the $12,057 bill.
First Known Family Of Neanderthals Found In Russian Cave #~# Scientists have discovered the first known Neanderthal family, identifying the fossilized bone fragments of a father, teenage daughter, and possibly cousins in a Siberian cave that may have served as a seasonal home for their nomadic lifestyle 54,000 years ago. What do you think?
Steve Bannon Sentenced To 4 Months For Contempt Of Congress #~# Steve Bannon, a one-time adviser to former President Donald Trump, has been sentenced to four months in prison for refusing to cooperate with lawmakers investigating last year’s U.S. Capitol attack. What do you think?
Times Tough For Local Man Who Actually Is Superior To Women #~# SAN BRUNO, CA—Lamenting the plight of his existence in an era when so many seek to promote equality for all, local man Keith Naslund told reporters Monday that  times were pretty tough for someone who was actually superior to women. “I understand the importance of the feminist movement and making sure women aren’t held down because they are women, but as a person who surpasses them in every way—intellectually, physically, morally—I find it hard just being myself,” said Naslund, adding that he felt the current social climate had made it next to impossible for him to express the fact that, from his career to his place in the community to his ability to attain fulfillment in life, he had achieved more than all the women around him. “I don’t want to be lumped in with all those men who wrongly think they’re better than women, because I’m not one of those guys. I just happen to be that rare man who, in a side-by-side comparison with any woman of any age, always comes out on top. Unfortunately, that’s something I have to keep a secret until it becomes more politically acceptable to interpret the nuances of gender and sexuality in a way that takes someone like me, an  Übermensch, into account.” Naslund went on to state that as difficult as it was to discuss being better than women, it was even harder in today’s world to acknowledge his innate superiority to every racial and ethnic minority.
Elon Musk To Cut Twitter Staff To Single Devoted Hunchback Who Laughs Hysterically At All Of Boss’s Genius Tweets #~# AUSTIN—Following a meeting with investors, reports surfaced Friday alleging that business magnate Elon Musk’s purchase of Twitter would include cutting the current staff down to a single devoted hunchback who laughs hysterically at all of his boss’s brilliant tweets. 
What To Know About ‘Quiet Quitting’ #~# “Quiet quitting” is the new buzzword sweeping workplaces across the country, although the issues it really reflects can be confusing. The Onion answers common questions about the “quiet quitting” phenomenon.
Emojis That Gen Z Hates The Most And Why #~# Unless you want to look like a fucking dumbass, it’s usually best to avoid texting teens at all costs. But if you absolutely must, here are the emojis that Gen Z hates the most and why.
New Tesla Model To Include Undercarriage Thresher To Shred All Evidence Of Running Someone Over #~# AUSTIN, TX—Touting the feature as the future of hands-free driving, Tesla unveiled schematics for its model Y+ Monday that included an undercarriage thresher to shred all evidence of running someone over. “Starting in 2024, all Teslas will be outfitted a series of high-speed titanium blades beneath the main cabin, specifically designed to destroy any trace of a person who is hit, crushed, or killed by the vehicle,” said Tesla spokesperson Jenna Wheaton, adding that the shredder, which was connected to the AI interface and a series of undercarriage cameras, could instantly detect the impact of a human body and eliminate over 250 pounds of DNA—including bone, blood, and skin—within 60 seconds. “Whether you happen to hit a man, woman, child, or even a large group of pedestrians, the undercarriage will instantly suck them into its spikes, pulverize them, and then shoot them into a fine mist so thin that investigators will be unable to remotely tie you to the crime. Now there’s no need to worry about fines, jail time, or even guilt, because in many cases, the shredding process is so easy, quiet, and seamless that drivers don’t even know they’ve hit someone.” At press time, Wheaton also revealed that Tesla model Y+s would be equipped with a passenger incinerator, designed to instantly destroy any loose-lipped witnesses who might be tempted to squeal.
Justin Fields Hands Off Letters To His Family In Case He Doesn’t Make It Out Of Next Sack Alive #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Shoring up his resolve as he made peace with his likely fate, Chicago Bears quarterback Justin Fields reportedly handed off letters to his family Monday in case he didn’t make it out of the next sack alive. “Take these letters, David [Montgomery], and see that they are delivered to my family should the pass rush prevail and I meet my maker during this next sack,” said Fields, thrusting a stack of envelopes containing messages to his parents, sister, and close friends into the running back’s arms and urging his teammate to tell his family he loved them. “There is no way around it, David: We are losing the battle in the trenches. I can only be sacked on so many occasions before there is a sack I will never return from. Our offensive tackles are weak and cannot hold out much longer, and before we know it the blitz will be upon me. I want my family to know that it was them I thought of as my pass protection fell and I looked in vain for a receiver to get open. Run, David, run like the wind! It doesn’t look good for me, but duty requires me to remain here in the pocket and protect the football to my last breath. Oh, god, the linebackers will soon be here, and then I may be sacked for all time.” At press time, Fields was lighting a last cigarette as the New England Patriots defense breached the offensive line and began charging toward him.
NASA Fires Engineer Secretly Working On Behalf Of Black Hole #~# HOUSTON, TX—Severing ties as soon as the employee’s outside allegiances came to light, NASA reportedly fired engineer Mike Langevin Monday after it was revealed he was secretly working on behalf of a black hole. “After receiving evidence that one of the agency’s engineers had an undisclosed working relationship with Sagittarius A*, we have been forced to terminate his contract,” said NASA director Bill Nelson, explaining that Langevin was found to have been paid as much as $500,000 a year from the hostile cosmic body in exchange for providing it with NASA secrets. “It appears that his collusion with the black hole began in the early ’90s, calling into question nearly 30 years of research. We are doing a thorough review to determine what exactly this destructive black hole knows about our space program and how it may use that information to tear apart the very matter that makes up Earth.” At press time, Nelson assured the black hole that dismissing the engineer would provide sufficient cover for their plans.
BTS Members To Start Korean Military Service #~# The music label of BTS has confirmed that the seven members will enlist in South Korea’s military as required by law, with the band reconvening again in 2025. What do you think?
Bucs’ Protection Scheme Involves O-Line Asking Defense To Go Easy On Tom Brady While He’s Going Through Some Stuff #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Taking a new approach to better safeguard their quarterback, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were reportedly using a protection  scheme Sunday that involved their offensive line asking the defense to go easy on Tom Brady while he’s going through some stuff. “We’re always trying to refine things to make things easier for Tom, which is why we’re having left guard Luke Goedeke pull the defensive linemen aside to fill them in on Tom’s marital and family issues before the snap,” said Buccaneers head coach Todd Bowles, adding that he hoped the Carolina Panthers defense would refrain from blitzing Brady after the offensive line told them the sad story of how he’s struggling with heartbreak. “We’ll have the left tackle pick up any linebackers or safeties and let them know that Tom’s really getting it from all sides right now, he’s not sleeping well, and really the last thing he needs is to get sacked on his blind side. We’re hoping that this new offensive scheme will allow Tom to relax in the pocket and clear his head until he works things out at home.” At press time, Bowles was scolding Buccaneers wide receiver Mike Evans for yelling that he was open, reminding him not to bother Brady when the quarterback had so many other things on his plate.
Week In Review: October 23, 2022 #~# Full story.
U.K. Prime Minister Liz Truss Steps Down After 6 Weeks #~# U.K. Prime Minister Liz Truss resigned after 44 days in office after a failed tax-cutting budget that rocked financial markets and led to a revolt within her own Conservative Party, giving her the shortest PM tenure in U.K. history. What do you think?
James Corden Breaks Silence On Restaurant Controversy: ‘I Like To Find Stray Dogs And Suffocate Them To Death’ #~# NEW YORK—Addressing an accusation that he was “the most abusive customer” at New York restaurant Balthazar, Late Late Show host James Corden finally broke his silence Friday to confirm that he enjoys finding stray dogs and choking them until they die. “The rush I feel when watching the light leave a poor struggling dog’s eyes is truly my life’s greatest pleasure—I’ve been doing it since I was a child, and I am never going to stop,” said the 44-year-old comedian, who, when prodded for comment on his temporary ban from the upscale establishment for alleged rudeness toward staff over an omelet, remarked that he spends his free time roaming the streets of Los Angeles and eagerly crushing the neck of every dog he encounters. “To truly rejoice in the experience of snuffing out the life of an innocent creature, I prefer to cuddle a small puppy in my lap and sing it a little show tune before drawing the cord tightly around its neck. It’s incredibly arousing, especially when I skin them alive and cover my face in their blood. Sometimes on the weekends I’ll just take out a heavy-duty garbage bag and see how many I can find.” After parrying several follow-up questions about his serial murder of dogs, Corden finally stated that he hadn’t “done anything wrong, on any level” and that the whole matter was really quite silly and beneath him.
‘Black Adam’ Last Chance For Something To Go Right In Dwayne Johnson’s Miserable Fucking Life #~# LOS ANGELES—Grasping at straws to break his unending string of embarrassing defeats, sources confirmed Friday that the new DC film Black Adam was the last chance for something to go right in Dwayne Johnson’s miserable fucking life. According to sources, the premiere of the superhero movie served as a last-ditch attempt for well known failure Dwayne Johnson to turn the tide of his pathetic existence and find meaning in his otherwise meaningless life. Several reports confirmed that after the ceaseless toil and drudgery that has been Johnson’s vacuous, unaccomplished existence up to this point, Black Adam signified the only potential bright spot in a sea of darkness devoid of happiness or joy. At press time, Johnson had purchased a gun after seeing the reviews for Black Adam.
Pentagon Warns Chinese Landmass Could Break Off And Zoom Across The Ocean To Get Us #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Stating that America’s top rival on the global stage now had the ability to carry out such an attack, Pentagon officials warned this week that the entirety of China’s landmass could break off and zoom across the ocean to get us. “Advancements in Chinese military technology have reached a point where the whole country could just snap apart along the 14,000-mile border and careen at high speeds through the waters of the North Pacific Ocean, slamming right into the United States,” said Ely Rantner, assistant secretary of defense for Indo-Pacific security affairs, adding that the 3.7 million square miles of land carrying all 1.4 billion people residents of China would whiz in a straight line toward the U.S. mainland, completely bulldozing Hawaii on its path to strike the West Coast. “With that much land zipping over the ocean, China could easily bank off Japan or the Philippines and use the subsequent momentum to propel all of its weight right into us. Our intelligence indicates that the impact of smacking that hard into the United States would cause China to flip through the air and land with a devastating thud directly on top of our nation, flattening all 330 American citizens.” At press time, Congress had passed a bill giving the Defense Department $500 billion to build a national defensive hydraulic system that would lift the United States so high in the air that an enemy landmass attempting to barrel into it would instead glide right underneath.
Groundbreaking Film Star To Be First Asian American Featured On U.S. Currency #~# Early movie star Anna May Wong will be the first Asian American to be featured on U.S. currency, with quarters bearing the actress’s image going into circulation next week as part of a program that highlights pioneering women in their respective fields. What do you think?
Prison Cell Could Fit Another 3 Guys Easy #~# ANGOLA, LA—Noticing plenty of extra space in the 6-by-8-foot room, McKinsey consultant Derek Lowell from told Louisiana State Penitentiary officials Friday that the prison cells could fit another three guys, easy. “It’s such a waste to just have  five inmates in that size of an area for most of the day,” said Lowell, adding that the ceilings were pretty tall, so it would be no problem to stack several more beds to squeeze in a few more prisoners. “Replace those cots with smaller ones, assign three or four inmates to a bunk, and we’re talking eight or nine guys to a cell, at least. Could even fit more by taking out those bulky toilets and sinks.” At press time, prison guards were helping Lowell pack in as many inmates as he could into a cell in order to give his clients a better visual for what was possible.
Amazon Unveils New AmazonBasics Human Infant #~# SEATTLE—Pleased to share the latest item in their abundant lineup of private label essentials, Amazon unveiled a new AmazonBasics human infant, sources confirmed Friday. “As our offering of AmazonBasics products continues to expand, we are proud to help meet the high demand for human babies,” said Amazon spokesperson Stephanie Costa, who touted the $49.95 product as a low-cost alternative to couples producing a child on their own. “AmazonBasics babies will be identifiable by the AmazonBasics logo stamped onto their stomachs, and will be available in three different colors. In accordance with our policy, all AmazonBasics human infants can be returned within 30 days of receipt. Make sure you open the box as soon as you get it.” At press time, Amazon was receiving consumer complaints that the infants were bursting into flames.
Creepiest Ways Airbnb Owners Are Spying On You #~# While it’s bad enough that Airbnb hosts often observe guests with hidden cameras or view their online activity, The Onion’s investigative reporters discovered the creepiest and most disturbing ways that Airbnb owners are spying on you.
Man Needs To Do Research On Which State He Lives In Before Deciding On Candidates He Can Vote For #~# RALEIGH, NC—Stressing that he did not want to cast his ballot in November without being fully informed, local man Mark Winters told reporters Friday that he would not be deciding which candidates he could vote for until he personally had done extensive research on which state he lived in. “I need to learn more about where I reside and where I’m legally eligible to vote, because otherwise, there’s just no way of knowing which of these midterm candidates to support when I go to the polls,” said Winters, explaining that he preferred to seek out impartial sources of information rather than relying on the mailers, billboards, and ads he had seen, all of which seemed to be trying to convince him his home was in North Carolina’s second congressional district. “I want to tune out all the noise—whether it’s what the GPS is telling me about my current location or which state’s name is printed on my driver’s license—and conduct my own unbiased investigation of where I live. Until then, I just can’t be sure whether I’ll be able to vote for J.D. Vance, Kari Lake, or John Fetterman. As a citizen, I believe it’s important I have all the facts so that I can figure out just where I’m at in this election.” At press time, Winters added that he would need to find out what organization had funded the “Welcome to Raleigh” signs all over the town he lives in before he could consider them a reliable source of information.
Men Under 30 Explain Why They’re Not Having Sex #~# Recent polls found that American men under 30 are not having sex. The Onion asked U.S. males under the age of 30 to explain why they are abstaining from sexual intercourse.
Americans Predict The Outcome Of The January 6 Hearings #~# The House Select Committee investigating the Jan. 6 Capitol riot concluded its ninth and potentially final hearing last week with a subpoena of former President Donald Trump. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on what will be the most significant outcome of the Jan. 6 hearings.
Texas Students To Get DNA Kits To Help Identify Children’s Bodies In ‘Emergencies’ #~# The state of Texas is sending public school students home with DNA kits designed to help their parents identify their children “in case of an emergency,” which authorities would use to help find missing children or identify those killed in a school shooting. What do you think?
Liz Truss To Continue Receiving Security Detail For 20 Minutes After Leaving Office #~# LONDON—In an effort to keep the former prime minister safe for most of the way home, sources confirmed Thursday that ousted Liz Truss would continue receiving a security detail for 20 minutes after leaving office. “U.K. Special Forces and Metropolitan police will continue keeping Liz Truss safe for the next half hour or so, give or take,” said U.K. officials, who stated this was the least they could do given her six weeks of devoted service to the nation. “They’re walking in the same direction, so they might as well. Truss will be provided a vigilant security detail as she leaves 10 Downing Street, which will then slowly trail off one by one. When she’s within pretty close distance of her front door, that will be that.” At press time, Truss’s security detail had figured 14 minutes was good enough.
Netflix Gains 2 Million Subscribers By Making Characters In Shows Subscribe To Netflix #~# LOS GATOS, CA—In a major reversal of its long-declining numbers, streaming service Netflix released a quarterly report Thursday showing it had gained over 2 million subscribers by making the characters in its shows subscribe to Netflix. “The Bridgerton family, those teens from 13 Reasons Why, Grace and Frankie—they are all now subscribers to Netflix,” said CEO Ted Sarandos, who confirmed that everybody trapped in the Upside Down from Stranger Things was paying $19.99 for a premium Netflix plan. “Really, anytime any of the characters from your favorite Netflix shows aren’t on screen, it means they’re in the other room watching Netflix. We even have Dahmer logging in. He loves Space Force. The best part is that the more spin-offs and sequels we make, the more subscribers we get. Soon, we won’t need anybody who isn’t a character on a Netflix show to subscribe at all.” At press time, Netflix had reportedly lost all 2 million new subscribers after the characters were driven to suicide by the discovery of their own lives playing out on screen. 
Bystanders Too Busy Complimenting Each Other’s Guns To Stop Mass Shooter #~# MARFA, TX—Completely unfazed by the countless screaming, blood-covered mall-goers who frantically sprinted past them, local bystanders Kevin Steele, Justin Reynolds, and Derek Davis were reportedly too busy complimenting each other’s guns Thursday to stop a mass shooting. “Oh my gosh, is that seriously an original, German-made, 1985 model Sig Sauer P226? I’ve been such a huge fan of those things ever since they came on the market,” said Steele, who, while admiring the sturdy metal frame, intricately engraved wooden handle, and 9 x 19 mm Parabellum chamber of Reynolds’ gun, fully missed the fact that an active shooter was rampaging just feet away from them, shooting thousands of rounds of ammunition from a semi-automatic right past their heads. “Aw, thanks, I love my Glock 19 too. I really like the 17-round capacity; plus, it doesn’t hurt that this baby doesn’t have a safety. But come on, your Sig was actually the exact kind that the Navy Seals used to use! Wait, seriously? Yes, I would love to hold it. Here, take mine. Gun swap!” At press time, both Steele, Davis, and Reynolds were too busy pretending to make each other’s guns kiss to notice that they were about to be mistakenly killed by police.
Coworker Has Sad Little Vacation Souvenir On Desk To Help Mentally Whisk Him Back To Boston #~# POTTSTOWN, PA—Commemorating his weekend-long trip with a depressing snow globe displayed prominently in his workspace, office payroll coordinator Andy Shinn keeps a sad little vacation souvenir on his desk to help mentally whisk him away to Boston, coworkers reported Thursday. “In the middle of a long day, this small memento reminds me of my happy place: the scenic drive from Logan Airport into the city and the 20 minutes I spent wandering around Boston Common before grabbing a burrito bowl for lunch,” said Shinn, adding that the heartbreakingly bleak keepsake also had the ability to instantly transport him back to the day he toured the Paul Revere House and then stopped to look at the harbor before going back to his hotel early. “I just give this little globe a shake, and for the next few seconds, my mind escapes to the Boston souvenir stand where I bought it. Look inside—you can see One Financial Center, the Prudential Tower, and even the State House, where the laws for all of Massachusetts are made!” At press time, Shinn had reportedly been jolted back to the present, his peaceful reverie broken by the sudden unpleasant recollection of a drunk Bostonian shouting obscenities in his face as he strolled along the Freedom Trail. 
Things To Never Say To Someone Who Owns A Tesla #~# Unless you’d like to get run over by a rich, angry tech bro with a chip on their shoulder, you might want to tread lightly when asking a Tesla driver about their car. Here are things you should never say to someone who owns a Tesla.
Fantasy Football League Ruined By Guy Who Won’t Update Roster Weeks After Wife’s Death #~# RAHWAY, NJ—Voicing frustrations about the competitive balance being thrown off, several players in a local fantasy football league told reporters Thursday their season was being ruined by a guy who wouldn’t update his roster weeks after his wife’s death. “It’s just so annoying—here you are trying to win the league and outsmart your competitors, and Chris [Beckley] hasn’t made a single change to his roster since his wife passed in week two,” said leaguemate Nat Ritter, noting that Beckley, whose wife died Sept. 14 in a car crash, had not only failed to use his top waiver claim, but had also kept a starting lineup that included three players who were injured and out for the season. “I can understand not setting your lineup the day after your wife kicks it, since they can lock the lineups in early, but at this point it’s having a huge effect on our league. It’s not fair that I had to play him in week one and lose, and then my leaguemates get to coast to easy wins just because this asshole is apparently too busy grieving. He has good players just sitting on the bench, too, and if he’s not going to play them, he should release them to the free agent pool so us teams on the bottom can have a better chance. He’s being so selfish.” At press time,  leaguemate Aaron Winchell was repeatedly texting Beckley to stop fucking crying and respond to his trade offer.
Alaska Cancels Snow Crab Season After 90% Of Population Disappears #~# Alaska has canceled the Bering Sea snow crab season for the first time ever due to an estimated 1 billion crabs disappearing over the last two years, the cause of which researchers are still investigating but could be linked to disease or climate change. What do you think?
Late Night Host James Corden Briefly Banned From Restaurant For ‘Abusive’ Behavior #~# A popular New York City restaurant rescinded its brief ban on Late Late Show host James Corden, who reportedly apologized after the establishment’s owner called him one of the restaurant’s “most abusive customers.” What do you think?
Janet Yellen Rolls Up Sleeves To Take Another Crack At Interrogating Milk Jug Over Rising Food Prices #~# WASHINGTON—As she lit a cigarette and reentered the holding room, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen rolled up her sleeves Wednesday to take another crack at interrogating a milk jug over rising food prices,  sources within the department confirmed. “Look, I’m not going to ask you again, what do you know about the latest consumer price index numbers?” said a visibly furious Yellen, threatening to unscrew the plastic gallon jug’s cap and lift it clean off if she didn’t get the answers she was looking for about the increasing cost of food. “Milk prices go up 17% in a single year, and there’s nothing you can tell me about it? Bullshit! You know, you’re not gonna like it if I have to bring [Federal Reserve chair] Jerome Powell in here. Because yesterday we had a carton of eggs that sat right where you’re sitting and refused to talk about inflation and—well, let’s just say Chairman Powell eats food like that for breakfast.” At press time, a stone-faced Yellen was seen leaving the interrogation room covered in milk.
Former High School Basketball Star Lands AA Sponsorship #~# ATHENS, GA—Signing to one of the top recovery programs in the country, former high school basketball star Brandon Palmer  landed an Alcoholics Anonymous sponsorship, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We are honored to have such an esteemed local high school basketball star join our highly coveted roster of rehabilitated substance abusers,” said AA spokesperson Geena Carlyle, expressing the organization’s excitement about landing the highly coveted former basketball star. “Palmer is a top prospect we’ve been eyeing for years now. So it is a real pleasure to finally have him on board.” At press time, Palmer was reportedly dropped by his AA sponsor due to a drunk driving incident.
Pros And Cons Of E-Bikes #~# With nearly 1 million sold in 2021 and the U.S. market expected to keep growing, electric bikes have attracted their share of champions and critics. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of e-bikes.
Man Alarmed By Appearance Of First Gray Arm #~# MIDLAND, TX—Filled with dread by the sudden change in appearance, local man Ryan Williams was reportedly alarmed Wednesday to discover his first gray arm. “I know it’s probably normal, but God, it makes me feel ancient,” said Williams, who shook his head and sighed as he studied the silvery appendage in front of the bathroom mirror, weighing his options for covering the unwanted arm up.  “I guess I could dye it, but that always looks so fake. Maybe I can just hide it under a hat? No, people will wonder why I’m wearing a hat on my arm all the time. Well, at least it’s only one of them. I’m still pretty young, this sucks. I wonder how long I’ve been walking around like that and didn’t even notice. ” At press time, Williams was rummaging through the cabinet for a pair of tweezers so he could pull out the arm. 
Prison Warden Sadistic But Fair #~# SAN QUENTIN, CA—Acknowledging that the official was impartial in his ruthless abuse, local inmate Edward Anthony told reporters Wednesday that the prison warden was sadistic but fair. “Even though the warden has a tough job, I think he’s really good at doling out evil, cruel, and inhumane punishments in a way that’s totally even-handed,” said Anthony, adding that inmates never felt singled out when the warden was beating the shit out of them, denying them food or water, or throwing them in solitary confinement for several weeks at a time. “At the end of the day, he really tries to mentally and physically torture every inmate as equally as possible. Whether he’s calling us racial slurs, tasing us, planting evidence, or threatening to never let us see our families again, he really does seem to get off on it in a way that feels fair. The trick is, there are no favorites. At the end of the day, that’s important.” At press time, Anthony told reports that while he didn’t always agree with his punishments, the warden had absolutely prepared inmates for the abject pain and suffering that they would one day face in the outside world.
More Businesses Offering Silver Fox Discounts To Seniors Who Still Got It #~# CINCINNATI—With the practice popping up everywhere from grocery stores to movie theaters, a new report confirmed Wednesday that more businesses have begun offering silver fox discounts to seniors who still got it. “We like to show a little appreciation to those of us who  watched the moon landing but still look like they know their way around a woman,” said local restaurant owner Jordan Wilson, who offered anywhere between a 15% and 60% discount depending on how tantalizing the patron’s thick grey locks and wry grin appeared. “All they have to do is provide a photo ID proving they’re at least 65 years old and absolutely smoking. A Viagra prescription will also do. I just think it’s important that we take the time to honor and listen to our elders, since there’s so much they can teach us in bed.” At press time, Wilson added that average-looking elders could fuck off.
What Infowars Viewers Are Saying About The Alex Jones Trial #~# Far-right conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has been ordered by a jury to pay $965 million to the families of victims of the Sandy Hook school shooting. The Onion asked Infowars viewers what they thought about the verdict, and this is what they said.
Man Plays Saxophone Through His 9-Hour Brain Surgery #~# A musician undergoing complex “awake” brain surgery in Italy played the saxophone during his entire nine-hour operation to help doctors make sure they didn’t compromise his neurological functions. What do you think?
Exhausted Couple Relieved Toddler Finally Asleep So They Can Talk Shit About Her #~# OAK BROOK, IL—Exchanging weary glances as their child closed her eyes and began to breathe slowly, exhausted couple Janet and Anthony Grisham reportedly expressed relief Tuesday after their toddler fell asleep and they could finally talk shit about her. “Oh my God, I was starting to worry she’d never actually go down—seriously, was it just me, or would that bitch not shut the fuck up?” Janet Grisham said to her husband, adding that even though she loved their 2-year-old daughter Brittany and had known her “fucking forever,” that didn’t change the fact that she was super immature, clingy, and somehow able to ruin almost any social situation she entered. “Honestly, I love Brittany to death, and you know she’s my ride or die, but she’s also a total goddamned train wreck. She can’t go out without puking. She’s always slurring her words. And she’s kind of a fucking psycho, honestly. One minute she likes apples, and the next she doesn’t? God, sometimes I just want to smack her.” At press time, the Grishams could still be heard bitching about how much more fun they would have if they weren’t stuck with Brittany as their daughter, all while their toddler was listening quietly from the top of the stairs.
Georgia Launches Text Alert System To Notify Officials Of Threats At Polls #~# Georgia launched a new text alert system for voting poll managers to notify officials of threats at the polls, the new incident-reporting tool created in response to threats made against state poll workers during and after the 2020 election. What do you think?
Police Chief Yells At Herschel Walker For Blowing Cover In Undercover-Senate-Run Operation #~# ATLANTA—Dressing down the former NFL running back for ruining a long-running investigation, a top law enforcement official reportedly yelled at Herschel Walker on Tuesday for blowing his own cover in a sting operation to place an undercover officer in Georgia’s Senate race. “Goddammit, Walker, three years of building this fucking case from scratch, and you piss it all away with this little stunt of yours?” said state police chief Howard Leach, who pounded his fist on his desk and reminded the Senate nominee that he had been ordered not to tell anyone he was a sworn officer of the law, a precaution necessary so that he could use his candidacy to secretly gather evidence of corruption in Georgia’s Republican Party. “We were this close to blowing this whole thing wide open, and now we’re back to square one. I hope pulling your badge out on television was worth it, you stupid sonofabitch, because you’re fired. At least you didn’t pull your gun on anyone this time.” At press time, sources reported that Walker had asked the police chief to post a video of the two together on social media and confirm he was indeed fired from a real-life police department.
Twitter To Promote Healthier Discussion By Letting One User Tweet At A Time #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to make the platform a more civil space, Twitter announced Monday that it would promote healthier discussions online by allowing only one user to tweet at a time. “Imagine you were having dinner with five or six friends and everyone just spoke at the same time—it wouldn’t work, because no one would be able to understand what anyone else was saying!” said CEO Parag Agrawal, explaining that the situation was even more complicated with Twitter and its approximately 400 million users, who under the new policy would each be added to a central queue and given a chance to send one tweet as soon as their number was called. “What we want to do is take that basic concept of a conversation among friends and scale it up to accommodate our entire platform. So we’ll let one person tweet, pause to make sure everyone has a chance to read it, let a second person tweet, pause, and so on. Though wait times may extend years or even decades, we think users will be more than willing to tolerate it after they see how elucidating the discussion is.” Agrawal added that while users would no longer be able to like or comment on a tweet, which would be too disruptive, Twitter would add a “raise hand” feature so that the one person tweeting could call on that person to hear their input.
Food Banks Begin Accepting Donations From Homosexuals #~# WASHINGTON—Relaxing restrictions in response to critics who called their longstanding policies discriminatory, the FDA announced Tuesday that food banks would begin accepting donations from homosexuals. “It has been the practice to reject any food donations from sexually active gay men due to perceived health risks, but advances in medical research have taught us that the canned goods of homosexuals are no different than those of straight people,” said FDA commissioner Robert Califf of the change to federal policy, which had been in effect since the height of the AIDS crisis in 1983, and which has led food banks to throw out thousands of pounds of food donated by gay men over the years. “At the time of the ban, regulators overseeing food banks were doing the best they could with the information they had, and there was a lot of confusion over whether AIDS could be transmitted through jars of peanut butter or boxes of pasta shells. With more information, we understand that a total ban on gay men donating food is a relic of a less inclusive time.” Under the new rules, the FDA said that homosexual men will be able to donate food provided they meet all the criteria, which includes not having been sexually active for the past three months.
Americans Explain Why They Are Not Voting In The Midterms #~# With the midterms fast approaching, many voters have said they are planning to sit out the November elections. The Onion asked Americans why they are not voting, and this is what they said.
$400,000 Of Meth Hidden In Pumpkins Found At Texas Border #~# Border patrol officials have found what the agency said was $400,000 worth of methamphetamine hidden inside pumpkins at the U.S–Mexico border in Texas. What do you think?
Report Confirms Anyone Who Really Likes A Politician Is Insane #~# MEDFORD, MA—Calling such behavior a guaranteed indicator of severe underlying derangement, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Tufts University confirmed that any person who really, truly likes a politician is batshit insane. “Our findings established a conclusive link between experiencing genuine fondness for a political figure and being a fucking lunatic,” said the report’s lead author Dr. Rachel Strathmore, who urged anyone who had ever felt inspired by a politician, or worse, owned an article of clothing with a politician’s face on it, to immediately seek professional mental help. “It doesn’t matter if they’re at the local, state, or federal level—our data show that if you sense any kind of interpersonal connection with an elected leader or candidate, even just a little, you’re a delusional maniac and your brain is fundamentally broken. A healthy, rational human mind understands politicians as a means to achieve a political goal and nothing more, but when someone inappropriately perceives real affection for them, that’s pure psychosis. Anyone proudly calling themselves a ‘Mitt Romney stan’ or a ‘Jeanne Shaheenista’ is actually saying, ‘I am pathologically fixated on an unlikable stranger and require extreme psychiatric intervention at once.’ Politicians aren’t your friends, they don’t enrich you culturally or spiritually, and they don’t love you back. Only someone completely detached from reality would think otherwise.” Strathmore also  emphasized that while some forms of liking politicians could be treated with extensive therapy, anyone who expresses sexual attraction to a politician should be humanely euthanized on sight.
Kyrie Irving Alleges Kyrie Irving Just CIA Creation Made To Spread Misinformation To American People #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Telling reporters that he had uncovered the truth and needed to bring it to the public’s attention, Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving alleged Tuesday that Kyrie Irving was just a CIA creation invented to spread misinformation to the American people. “The man known to most as the basketball star Kyrie Irving is nothing more than an asset installed into the American consciousness during the 2011 NBA Draft to sow conspiracy and confusion,” said Irving, showing reporters a large bulletin board on which he had connected threads between a number of government agents and organizations that had plotted together to spread misinformation, with all the threads leading to a photograph of himself. “What I now understand to be a top-secret operation called KI-11 undoubtedly worked to develop a basketball asset with top ball-handling skills. The CIA could then deploy this asset in key media markets throughout the country, including New York, Cleveland, and Boston, to give public statements that undermine our commonly shared understanding of the world we live in. It is appalling to witness the lengths that shadowy institutions like the CIA are willing to go to in order to spread baseless conspiracy theories about things like the Covid vaccine and the shape of the earth. It is with sadness but also with firm purpose that I must reveal that this so-called basketball player Kyrie Irving is a mere instrument of the deep state.” Irving added that he had not ruled out the possibility that Kyrie Irving was a satanic creation brought to Earth to do the work of the devil.
FDA Announces Adderall Shortage #~# The FDA has confirmed a nationwide shortage of the attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder medication Adderall due to manufacturing issues, with the shortage expected to last through the end of the year. What do you think?
Astronaut Returns From ISS With Annoying Space Accent #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Adopting an affected speech pattern upon reentering Earth’s atmosphere, an astronaut aboard a SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule reportedly returned from the International Space Station with an annoying space accent Monday. “He was only in space for, like, nine months, and that is not long enough to pick up an accent,” said NASA mission coordinator Sheila Malone, who told reporters how the astronaut now made unnatural guttural sounds when pronouncing certain vowels and was always telling everyone they just had to go to space the first chance they got. “Dude, he’s from Ohio. He doesn’t need to go on and on about how he can’t get use to the food here because it’s not the same as it is in space, or how they have some expression they use aboard the ISS that he can’t possibly explain to us because we’ve never been there and just wouldn’t get it. Worst of all, he keeps making a big deal of dropping things while talking about how ‘crazy’ it is that objects just fall to the ground here, as if gravity were something he hadn’t been familiar with his whole life. It’s so fucking obnoxious.” At press time, sources reported the astronaut was lecturing co-workers on the proper way to pronounce Andromeda.
Ohioans Explain Why They Are Voting For J.D. Vance #~# This November, J.D. Vance will be on the ballot to represent Ohio in the U.S. Senate. The Onion asked Ohioans why they are voting for the venture capitalist and author, and this is what they said.
Bumbling American Tourist Visiting Vatican Accidentally Breaks Pope #~# VATICAN CITY—Frantically rushing to collect the scattered pieces of the valuable Catholic relic, bumbling American tourist Dale Humphries was reportedly visiting the Vatican Monday when he accidentally  broke the pope. “Aw, geez, I didn’t even see him there, I’m such an idiot,” said the hapless U.S. dolt, who stood Pope Francis back up after  wandering away from his tour group,  tripping over his own feet, and knocking over and shattering the 85-year-old leader of the Catholic church.“Shit, shit, shit—okay, calm down, Dale. You can fix this with a little gum and elbow grease, no problem. Just put the head back on the neck and they won’t even notice. ” At press time, Humphries was hurrying towards the exit after realizing he was still holding one of the pope’s legs.
‘So You Brought Home A White Girl, Huh?’ Say Skeptical White Parents To White Son #~# WESTPORT, CT—Local white parents Dennis and Theresa Ludlow expressed skepticism Monday while confronting their white son about the fact that he brought home a white girl. “We couldn’t help but notice that the girl you brought over for Sunday dinner was white, huh?” said Theresa Ludlow, explaining that they had nothing against white people per se, but that it was just interesting that their white son would want to date a white woman. “Court-ney? Is that how you pronounce her name? Of course you can bring home whoever you want, but she just seems very, uh, suburban. I don’t know if our families will have much in common, you know, with the whole us being white and them being white thing. I mean, what will your white grandmother say?” At press time, Theresa claimed it was difficult to understand her white son’s white girlfriend’s white accent.
Transportation Department Unveils ‘Good Luck’ Signals For Pedestrians Trying To Cross Intersections #~# ATLANTA—In response to calls from community leaders to address the city’s most dangerous intersections, the Georgia Department of Transportation unveiled new Good Luck signals Monday for pedestrians trying to cross the road. “The signal will illuminate for 20 seconds, and within that time span hopefully walkers will make it across the street, but if not, oh well,” said department spokesperson Bryan Rowcliff, who also noted that the stop signs used by school crossing guards would  be exchanged for double-sided paddles reading “Go for it.” “This will let pedestrians know we’re rooting for them as they attempt to traverse six lanes of traffic. Once there are five seconds remaining, the signal will read, “Fuck, fuck, turn back, turn back.” There will be no marked crosswalks, so you better run!” At press time, Rowcliff clarified the signals did not mean that cars should stop, but rather speed up.
White House Offers Migrants Legal Path To Deportation #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the measure long overdue, the White House  announced Monday that the Biden administration was now offering migrants a fast, legal path to deportation. “It is well past time that anyone who crosses the border into the United States is able to access a standardized, regulated framework to get themselves quickly and easily deported,” said White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, adding that all migrants could now access an online portal on the White House website that would guide them through the deportation process. “We want to simplify what has long been a very complicated and difficult series of steps in order to ensure migrants can sign up to be deported in a simple and straightforward manner. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in the country, whether you have family members here, what your education status is, or even where you are—you are legally eligible to become deported in a matter of weeks. As an extra incentive, those who sign up for our legal deportation program in the next 90 days can ensure that they’ll have access to the next plane out of here.” Jean-Pierre concluded the press conference by introducing three migrants who were using the program to deport themselves, adding that deportation is what makes America great.
Archaeologists Discover Ancient Roman ‘Fridge’ With Meat Still Inside #~# Polish archaeologists excavating a Roman military camp dating back to the first century A.D. in Bulgaria, discovered an ancient stone “refrigerator” made of ceramic tiles that still contained animal bones, fragments of dishes, and traces of cooked meat. What do you think?
Week In Review: October 16, 2022 #~# Full story.
Astros Caught Politely Asking Catcher For Little Heads-Up On Pitch Selection #~# SEATTLE—In a shocking revelation that carries grim echoes of the team’s sign stealing in the 2017 and 2018 seasons, multiple players on the Houston Astros were caught Saturday politely asking the Seattle Mariners’ catcher for a little heads-up on the pitch selection. “Hey, man, if you wouldn’t mind letting me know whether he’s going to throw a fastball or curveball, I’d really appreciate it,” Astros second baseman Jose Altuve was heard to utter to Mariners catcher Cal Raleigh in audio provided by a whistleblowing T-Mobile Park staff member. The release of audio conclusively exposing the Astros’ asking-nicely program comes on the heels of several prior allegations made by opposing teams that they’d heard the Astros asking catchers to at least tell them where in the strike zone the pitch was going to be. Anonymous MLB sources have claimed the scandal encompasses multiple Astros staff members, including bench coach Joe Espada, who was seen giving signs to hitters reminding them to say “please.” At press time, an MLB investigation revealed that multiple Astros players had also attempted to unfairly influence the game’s outcome by respectfully informing the first base umpire that it would mean the world to them if he called them safe. 
January 6 Committee Votes To Subpoena Donald Trump #~# The House committee investigating the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol has voted unanimously to subpoena former President Donald Trump to question him about his role in events that led to the violence. What do you think?
New Jan. 6 Footage Shows Nancy Pelosi Threatening To Give Trump Bad Stock Tips #~# WASHINGTON—In what many are calling the most dramatic evidence collected by the Jan. 6 committee to date, new footage released Friday showed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) inside the Capitol threatening to give Trump bad stock tips. “I don’t care, I’ve been waiting for this—if he trespasses on Capitol grounds, I’m going to gently take him aside, say I have insider information he’ll be very interested in, and feed him ill-fated investment tips that will almost immediately tank,” said Pelosi, who, huddling with visibly rattled colleagues in a back room, quickly compared the worst, low-margin stock tips that they’d gleaned from various top-secret meetings together. “If he comes here, I guarantee you I am going to wreck him worse than Enron, and by the time I’m done with him, his portfolio will be less than fucking zero. Seriously, I will turn that bitch into a bag holder. I’ll go to jail. I don’t care.” At press time, the Jan. 6 committee had also released a video in which Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) could be heard frantically calling their brokers and citing inside information that gun stock prices were about to soar.
Trump Outmaneuvers New York Lawsuit By Changing Name To Donald 2 #~# PALM BEACH, FL—In a cunning attempt to outmaneuver the fraud lawsuit brought against him by the New York state attorney general, Donald Trump reportedly changed his name on Friday to Donald 2. “I’m not sure who these charges are referring to, as there is no such person named Donald Trump—I’m Mr. 2,” said 2, the former president, who confirmed that his driver’s license as well as his passport and all official personal documents now read “Donald J. 2.” “I’m Mr. 2, that’s me. I have no connection to this case. It’s an entirely different guy, though I do have it on good authority that if there were a Donald Trump, he’d be totally innocent.” At press time, 2 added that perhaps the lawsuit was referring to a certain 44-year-old businessman named Donald Trump Jr. 
How Do Americans Describe Their Political Beliefs? #~# Americans are increasingly worried about political polarization, with members of different political persuasions disagreeing about many aspects of the direction in which their country is headed. The Onion wanted to understand why, and so we asked all 330 million Americans to describe their political beliefs. Here are our results:
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# RALEIGH, NC—In the hours following a violent rampage in North Carolina in which a lone attacker killed at least five individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Friday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said New Mexico resident Luke Nelson, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Wedding Couple Grateful To Be Surrounded By Loved Ones Quietly Criticizing Everything About Event #~# SAVANNAH, GA—Gathering friends and relatives for an intimate evening of pointing out the reception’s shortcomings in hushed tones, wedding couple Mike and Lily Katersky told reporters Saturday they were grateful to be surrounded by loved ones quietly criticizing everything about the event. “We’re just so happy all of you could travel so far out of your way to be here for our special day,” said Mike Katersky, holding up a flute of prosecco for a toast as all the guests muttered amongst themselves that the couple must have been too cheap to shell out for real champagne. “It just warms our hearts to look out at all of our closest friends and family members [bitching about how the chicken is dry and the flower arrangements are gaudy]. Now everybody, enjoy your night and grab some drinks at the cash bar.” At press time, the wedding guests were telling the bride how beautiful she looked in her dress that they silently noted was two sizes too small.
How Virtual Reality Works #~# With potential benefits ranging from education to healthcare to entertainment, virtual reality is a major focus of research and spending across industries, but the actual technology behind it can be confusing. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how virtual reality actually works.
LIV Golfers On Saudi Course Forced To Putt Around Woman Being Beheaded #~# KING ABDULLAH ECONOMIC CITY, SAUDI ARABIA—Players on the LIV Golf tour  expressed frustration Friday over the hazards on the course at the Royal Greens Golf and Country Club, where they were reportedly forced to putt around a woman being beheaded. “I was doing all right until the 13th hole, when it cost me three strokes to hit around that executioner chopping off an infidel woman’s head right in the middle of the fairway,” said golfer Bubba Watson, explaining that he was still getting used to the challenges presented by the  Saudi-financed golf tour’s courses, on which he was often forced to concentrate on hitting the ball over loud crowds of teenage girls begging for their lives. “It can be frustrating, feeling like you’ve got a good shot off, and then it bounces off a decomposing severed leg just sitting there and rolls into the rough. I understand that we’re here at the behest of the Saudi government, but I guess I wish they would sentence women to death somewhere else besides the middle of the course. I even heard Bryson [DeChambeau] got a two-stroke penalty because his ball hit a lady trying to flee. Luckily, I’ve done pretty well overall, but it can definitely be tricky putting on greens that are slick with blood.” At press time, reports confirmed Watson was growing frustrated after repeatedly hitting his ball into a pile of bodies.
Arizonans Explain Why They Are Voting For Kari Lake #~# This November, Trump-loyalist and former television news anchor Kari Lake will be on the ballot in the Arizona governor’s race. The Onion asked Arizonans why they are voting for the Republican candidate, and this is what they said.
‘Fat Bear Week’ Hit By Voter Fraud Attempt #~# Fat Bear Week was rocked by scandal after organizers said the virtual ballot box had been “stuffed” in favor of a brown bear called Holly, forcing officials to discount thousands of fraudulent votes before finally naming Bear Force One as the rightful winner. What do you think?
Report Finds Russian Hackers Gained Access To Millions Of Metaverse Legs #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Warning that the criminals who breached the system had already done significant, irreversible damage, a damning new cybersecurity report released Friday found that Russian hackers had gained access to millions of Metaverse legs. “As of today, foreign agents employed by the Russian government have uncovered a security flaw in the backend of the Metaverse servers and exploited the deficiency to exert control over the legs, knees, and feet of various digital avatars,” said the report’s author, Dr. David Kline, adding that bad actors now had the ability to force users to perform countless actions, including sit, stand, jump, dance, run, or even do the splits. “At this time, Mark Zuckerberg has yet to address, and in some cases fully denied, the fact that the lower halves of many users are repeatedly doing squats, performing roundhouse kicks, or sprinting at high speeds across the Metaverse. If we don’t act soon, there’s no telling how many avatars they could manipulate to pirouette, heel kick, or do the moonwalk. Needless to say, this does not bode well for the 2024 election.” At press time, Zuckerberg came under fire after Russian hackers gained control of his neck and made his head spin wildly around in circles for the duration of a Metaverse keynote.
Reanimated Corpse Of John Lennon Wishes He Could Go Out In Public Without Fans Pointing And Screaming #~# NEW YORK—Appearing to regret that Beatlemania didn’t die when John Lennon did, the reanimated corpse of the murdered musician told reporters Friday he wished he could go out in public without fans pointing and screaming at him. “It would be nice if I could enjoy a meal in a restaurant, but the moment my wasting form lumbers through the door, people become completely hysterical,” said Lennon’s remains, declining to comment on music industry rumors that the undead Beatles would tour once surviving members Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr had died and the reawakened cadavers of the Fab Four could reunite as an ungodly abomination neither living nor dead. “I can’t even go for a walk down Central Park West because the second my decomposing head falls off my shoulders, people yell, ‘Oh my God, look, it’s John Lennon—but he’s a zombie now, and he’s come back from the dead to kill us all!’ Then, of course, there are the teenage girls who faint the moment they lay eyes on my rotting flesh.” After remarking that he was probably more popular than the resurrected Jesus, Lennon’s reanimated corpse was reportedly decapitated by a crazed fan and permanently vanquished to the beyond.
New Corkscrew Whirlycoaster IUD Gets Sperm Cell Too Dizzy To Find Uterus #~# PITTSBURGH—Boasting a 99% efficacy rate in the prevention of pregnancy,  birth-control brand Mirena released a new corkscrew whirlycoaster IUD Thursday that reportedly gets sperm cells too dizzy to find the uterus. “With Mirena’s latest intrauterine device, sperm cells are placed in a miniature bench seat, strapped in, and shot at 12 Gs through a track specifically designed to make them so nauseous and disoriented they are unable to locate an egg,” said spokesperson Alicia Jenkins, adding that the 32-millimeter long IUD coaster would take dozens of sperm up a mammoth lift hill and then shoot them down at 120 mph around several stomach-churning twists, loops, and drops. “Once the device is correctly inserted, all sperm will spend three full minutes racing through a miniature vertical loop, an Immelmann turn, and a cobra roll. Even if they can survive the coaster without passing out, there’s no way they’ll get off being able to tell the difference between a fallopian tube, an ovary, or the cervix.” At press time, reports confirmed the Mirena whirlycoaster had been recalled after a particularly large sperm was not properly strapped in, flew off the IUD, smashed into the uterine wall, and died.
Alex Jones Ordered To Pay Nearly $1 Billion In Sandy Hook Defamation Trial #~# Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has been ordered by a jury to pay almost $1 billion in damages to the families who suffered from the Infowars founder’s lies that the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre was a hoax. What do you think?
Kanye West Seeks Reconciliation With Jewish Cabal To Collab On ‘Yeezy X Jews’ Streetwear #~# LOS ANGELES—Apologizing for the antisemitic comments in his recent shocking Twitter rants, rapper and fashion designer Kanye West reportedly sought reconciliation with the worldwide Jewish cabal Thursday in order to collaborate on his new idea for a ‘Yeezy x Jews’ streetwear brand. “I am truly sorry for what I said about Jewish people—I actually think that if we combined my power as an aesthetic visionary with your power as puppet masters of the global economy, this new fashion line could be a  hit,” said West, noting that much of his violent, inflammatory rhetoric was the result of mental health issues, and that he had now achieved the clarity needed to see how working with the “international conspiracy of bloodsucking Jews” would be beneficial. “I hope the secret evil Jewish syndicate can forgive me, because I have already drawn up concepts for a Ye-branded yarmulke called the Ye-mulke. Thanks to the Jewish people’s control over the markets and every aspect of society, we could have a Yeezy tallit in every home. Please, let me stop by your underground mountain lair with some of the fake children you placed in my house so I can apologize in person at Shabbat dinner. Then I can also show you how dope I look wearing the Yeezy off-white shtreimel.” At press time, sources reported West was inquiring if the Jewish cabal could point its space laser at Pete Davidson’s house.
Positive Pregnancy Test Immediately Sprouts Robotic Legs, Scans Woman’s Face With Laser #~# DALLAS—Releasing the appendages from its sides after two pink lines appeared in the results window, a positive pregnancy test was said to have  immediately sprouted robotic legs Thursday before scanning local woman Trish Nehorai’s face with a laser. “Identity: Trish Nehorai,” confirmed the Clearblue stick, its once-concealed ‘transmission progress’ lights illuminating as the test leapt from one surface to another to avoid the terrified Nehorai, who attempted to swat at it with her hands.“Transferring biometrics to law enforcement. Transfer complete. Trish Nehorai: Your pregnancy has been successfully registered with the state. Congratulations.” At press time, the pregnancy test had reportedly reassembled itself into an ankle bracelet and clamped onto Nehorai, with the purpose of delivering a high-voltage shock if the woman attempted to go within 100 feet of an abortion clinic.
Ron Johnson Shows He’s Tough On Crime By Hanging Bread Thief In Town Square #~# RACINE, WI—Locked in a tight reelection race and eager to convince voters of his bona fides as a law-and-order candidate, Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI) demonstrated he was tough on crime Thursday by hanging an accused bread thief in a Wisconsin town square. “All ye of good morals and fine virtue, gather now upon the village green and watch as this despicable young man faces the gallows for his brazen theft of a loaf of bread,” said Johnson, claiming the 11-year-old must face the ultimate punishment for allegedly stealing what appeared to be a crust of sourdough. “Pilfering the wares of a law-abiding baker is a wanton act of criminality and must be met with force, lest others of questionable character begin to think they may do the same. Let his decapitated head be placed upon a pike so that all ye who attend the farmers market held here every other Saturday remember what we do to wicked scofflaws in the state of Wisconsin.” After carrying out the execution, Johnson was reportedly informed by witnesses that the bread had come free with a meal the boy’s family had ordered at a nearby restaurant.
New Zealand Proposes Taxing Cow Burps #~# New Zealand’s government is proposing a tax on the greenhouse gasses that farm animals make from burping and urinating as part of a plan to tackle climate change, angering farmers who say such taxes will hurt the farming industry that’s vital to the country’s economy. What do you think?
Pennsylvanians Explain Why They Are Voting For Doug Mastriano #~# This November, state senator and Christian nationalist Doug Mastriano will be on the ballot in the Pennsylvania governor’s race. The Onion asked Pennsylvanians why they are voting for the Republican candidate, and this is what they said.
Manifesto Sounds Stupid Out Loud #~# TWIN FALLS, ID—Feeling embarrassed by his own incoherent writing, local man Nathaniel Murphy told reporters Thursday his manifesto sounded stupid when read out loud. “It wasn’t until I printed it out and read it slowly and clearly out loud that I realized connecting women’s refusal to have sex with me to TV ads and the feminization of American men doesn’t make any sense,” said Murphy, who noted that he “certainly had his work cut out for him” as far as revisions went. “For one thing, it’s way too long, just run-on after run-on sentence for 80 pages. I could hardly find a good spot to breathe! That should’ve been my first clue I needed to clean things up. Don’t get me wrong, there’s definitely some good stuff in there concerning human evolution and Captain Marvel, but oh boy. I’ll say it myself: There are too many racial slurs in here.” At press time, Murphy had reportedly cut his manifesto down to the word “kill” written 500 times in a row.
Prosecutors Drop All Charges Against ‘Serial’ Podcast Subject Adnan Syed #~# Baltimore prosecutors have dropped all charges against Adnan Syed, the subject of the podcast Serial who was imprisoned for the 1999 killing of his ex-girlfriend Hae Min Lee, after advanced DNA test results supported his innocence. What do you think?
Raytheon Unveils Missile Capable Of Targeting And Scuffing Up Jordans #~# ARLINGTON, VA—In what military experts have touted as a stunning breakthrough in advanced weaponry, defense contractor Raytheon Technologies unveiled Wednesday the first precision-guided missile said to be capable of targeting and scuffing up Jordans. “Our new surface-to-air missile is able to identify, lock on to, and scratch up a pair of clean Air Jordans from up to 2,000 miles away,” said Raytheon spokesperson Vincent Davenport, detailing how the missile’s infrared technology and decision-making algorithm could engage with all models of Michael Jordan’s iconic brand of Nike sneakers, from the original 1985 high-top to the latest Jordan 35. “When it reaches full operational capability, this weapons system will be able to deliver a devastating blow to any adversary dripped out in streetwear. It can be used to conduct surgical strikes with detonations powerful enough to penetrate shoe boxes, dust covers, and even display cases, administering cosmetic blemishes to the Jordans that significantly decrease their market value.” With its product still in the development phase, Raytheon admitted the missile still had difficulty acquiring high-value targets and often scuffed-up fake Jordans by mistake.
Most Important 2022 Midterm Races #~# With the  midterm elections less than a month away, politicians across America are scrambling to convince voters they’re slightly less worse than their opponent. The Onion highlights the most important races of the 2022 midterms.
New AI Could Diagnose Illnesses By Analyzing Patient’s Voice #~# The National Institutes of Health is funding the development of new AI to diagnose illnesses by the sounds of patients’ voices, using vocal cord vibrations and breathing patterns to detect disorders like Parkinson’s, pneumonia, and depression. What do you think?
Best Bios From The Conservatives-Only Online Dating Site ‘The Right Stuff’ #~# On Sept. 30, a conservatives-only dating app called The Right Stuff launched with backing from billionaire Peter Thiel. The following are excerpts from bios of users who have registered on the controversial site.
Leaked Documents Reveal CIA Secretly Flooded White Communities With Vegetables #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming long-held theories of produce-smuggling among U.S.-backed guerillas in Central America, a series of leaked documents revealed Wednesday that a covert CIA operation flooded white communities with vegetables in the 1980s. “These records show concrete evidence that the CIA intentionally allowed wholesome, vitamin-rich vegetables to circulate through white communities across the United States,” said a CIA whistleblower who spoke on condition of anonymity, explaining that intelligence officials operated with complete disregard for the healthy lifestyles they were unleashing upon Caucasian Americans, many of whom were soon hooked on the highly nutritious foods. “CIA assets in Nicaragua trafficked in leafy greens like spinach, romaine, and arugula, selling them in disproportionately white neighborhoods in the U.S. and using the money to fund the Contras. Soon you couldn’t drive more than a few blocks through the suburbs without passing a place where you could buy fresh peas, carrots, or broccoli. We’ll never  know the full scale of the health benefits this conferred upon an entire generation of white people.” According to the documents, this operation continued for years, until the CIA finally realized it would be easier to just allow illegal drug networks to distribute crack in Black communities.
Considerate Woman Informs Masturbating Stranger His Fly Is Down #~# SAN ANTONIO—Out of consideration for the fully and visibly erect stranger standing across from her in the park, local resident Ashley Perales informed a masturbating man that the fly of his pants was down, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Excuse me, sir, I know this is a bit awkward, but I think you forgot to zip your pants,” said Perales, who, so as not to cause him any embarrassment, smiled and maintained eye contact with the man vigorously tugging at his penis. “I just know I’d want someone to say the same thing if it were me. Also, I noticed your pants are around your ankles. And there’s a small cum stain on them.” At press time, the man had reportedly zipped up his fly and thanked Perales for her help.
Cop Clearly Only Pulled Over Driver To Reach Monthly Kill Quota #~# GREENWOOD, IN—Noting that the officer was probably just trying to pad his numbers, local man Trent Johnson confirmed Wednesday that a cop had clearly just pulled him over to reach a monthly kill quota. “Well, I was driving the speed limit and my lights were working, so he probably just flagged me to get his civilian casualty count up,” said Johnson, adding that the officer, who immediately took out his ticket book, turned off his body cam, and drew his gun had probably done dozens of other similar traffic stops that day. “Man, I know these guys all have numbers to hit, but it just sucks that no matter what he was going to find an excuse to pull me over, drag me out of the car, pin me down, and shoot me several times. All I did was drive past at the wrong time. Maybe if I beg, he’ll left me off by just paralyzing me.” At press time, Johnson told reporters that the officer had also clearly planted a gun, a bag of drugs, and incriminating DNA to reach his monthly quota of police framings.
Jordan Peterson Disgusted By Society Celebrating 2,560-Pound Minnesota Pumpkin #~# TORONTO—In a critique of what he described as a “warped” perspective on weight, media personality and psychologist Jordan Peterson expressed disgust Tuesday over the enthusiastic reception given to a 2,560-pound prize-winning pumpkin from Minnesota. “There’s just no way that pumpkin is healthy, and no amount of tolerance from woke authoritarians is ever going to change that,” Peterson said of the gourd that was feted this week at the 49th-annual World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-Off, stating that no pumpkin weighing in excess of a ton should be celebrated by a proper society. “Considering the extent to which political correctness has undermined our culture, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I’m seeing these plus-size pumpkins on the cover of the weekly sale circular at my local supermarket. Clearly a civilization is in decline when it expects men to be attracted to any pumpkin that heavy.” At press time, a visibly aroused Jordan Peterson was seen caressing a shapely, petite squash in a grocery store’s produce aisle. 
New iPhones Calling 911 While On Roller Coasters #~# iPhone 14 users are reporting that the new phone’s crash detection feature, which alerts authorities when it detects you’ve been in a car accident, has been dialing 911 on rollercoasters after mistaking the rides for car crashes. What do you think?
Sean Hannity Plays Voicemail From His Dad Calling Him A Piece Of Shit To Demonstrate Healthy Father–Son Relationship #~# NEW YORK—Contrasting the message with the one received by Hunter Biden, Sean Hannity reportedly played a voicemail from his dad calling him a piece of shit Monday to demonstrate what a healthy father–son relationship sounded like. “Hey, Sean, it’s Dad—I called you to tell you I hate you and I’ll always hate you,” stated Hannity’s father in the 25-minute recording, which the Fox News host praised as exemplary of the kind of traditional conservative values he was raised with. “You’ll always be a disappointment. You were a shitty kid and are a shitty adult. You are nothing to me. You are less than nothing. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. If I ever see you again, I’ll kill you. That’s a promise.” At press time, Hannity was playing a voicemail from his ex-wife to demonstrate what a successful marriage sounded like.
Herschel Walker Campaign Email Cites Urgent Need For Donations To Fund Abortions #~# WRIGHTSVILLE,  GA—In an attempt to reorient his campaign following weeks of  devastating scandals, the campaign of U.S. Senate candidate Herschel Walker  reportedly emailed supporters Tuesday citing an urgent need for  donations to fund abortions. “We’re begging you: Our campaign is  running out of time to pay for all the abortions we need to make it  across the finish line,” read the candidate’s email, which featured the subject line “PLEASE, I NEED Abortions!” and a message in which the former NFL running back pleaded with potential donors to chip in $1, $5, $10, or $25, stressing that cash was preferred. “Women close to me are getting pregnant left and right, and I need every dollar I can get to fight back. Let me say this again: I cannot support this many kids and my girlfriends are way too pregnant. The liberals in Washington would love for them to give birth. We can’t let this happen!” At press time, Walker’s campaign had followed up with an email begging supporters to help him hire a hit man to murder his ex-wife and kids.
So-Called ‘Self-Made’ Billionaires Who Actually Grew Up Wealthy #~# While the 1% may think they made their own fortunes, it’s more than likely that they had wealthy parents. Here are the so-called “self-made” billionaires who actually grew up privileged.
Nation’s Brands Criticize African Americans For Appropriating Dialect #~# WASHINGTON—Alleging their businesses had endured longstanding exploitation by the Black community, a coalition of the nation’s top commercial brands came together Tuesday to criticize African Americans for appropriating the dialect used in marketing campaigns to target young consumers. “When Black people use terms like ‘AF,’ ‘lit,’ ‘bae,’ ‘on fleek,’ and ‘fam,’ they are co-opting the language we use to connect with our customers,” said Mars Inc. senior marketing manager Jeanne Licotta, stating that such instances of theft extended back more than 100 years, when Black men who worked as chefs would sometimes don attire similar to that worn by the  caricature depicted on the Cream of Wheat box. “If we run a campaign to convey just how ‘on 10’ our Snickers brand is, we expect African Americans to avoid using that phrase out of respect for our advertising strategy. Black people have no business stealing words that we need to reach the valuable 18-to-34 demographic.” At press time, the coalition of brands had filed a lawsuit against a Black teenager, saying the youth had infringed upon their trademark of the phrase “no cap.” 
Scientists Say A Marijuana Breathalyzer Is In The Works #~# Researchers at UCLA and a startup called ElectraTect are testing a “cannabinoid fuel cell” that they say provides a key foundation for one day developing a marijuana breath analyzer, similar to ones that exist to test for alcohol on a person’s breath. What do you think?
Study Finds Majority Of Americans Get Their News From Walking By Stack Of Televisions In Store Window Display #~# WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the shifting media landscape, a new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that the majority of Americans get their news from walking by a stack of televisions in a store window display. “According to our survey, 85% of Americans get their news from walking right past an appliance store only to backtrack a moment later as a breaking news item catches their eye,” said lead researcher Katrina Pittman, who stated that an additional 60% of survey respondents were drawn to the television display after hearing an astonished stranger cry, “Why, look! It’s happening!” “Whether it’s the moon landing or the U.S. withdrawal from Vietnam, our research shows the vast majority of Americans are getting their news from not one, but a dozen television sets simultaneously. Another 75% of Americans said they often press their faces against the glass as they watch historic events play out in real time.” At press time, Pittman added that the biggest cause of misinformation was Americans struggling to see the screens over each other’s shoulders. 
Billionaire Writes Name On Cup Of Adrenochrome So He Won’t Forget Which One His #~# NEW YORK—Carefully scrawling his name onto the red plastic surface with a Sharpie, local billionaire Mark Zuckerberg reportedly labeled his solo cup of adrenochrome Tuesday so he wouldn’t forget which one was his. “Okay, I’ll write ‘Mark Z,’ so nobody confuses me with Cuban,” said Zuckerberg, who momentarily placed his cup of the life-extending drink down on the counter in between two cups marked ‘Bill G’ and ‘Bill C.’ “I accidentally drank out of someone else’s cup of child’s blood earlier and it was so embarrassing. Charles Koch screamed at me, and Richard Branson laughed. Everyone wants to play adrenochrome pong, but I just know it won’t be the same without Epstein.” At press time, Zuckerberg had been hoisted into the air by Jim and Rob Walton to do an adrenochrome keg stand. 
Fake Heiress Anna Sorokin Released From Jail #~# Anna Sorokin, who pretended to be a German heiress to scam her way into a posh New York lifestyle, has been released from jail, remaining under house arrest in her Manhattan apartment while she awaits deportation hearings. What do you think?
Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything #~# FLOWER MOUND, TX—Condemning the “woke left” for what he called the “modern evisceration of masculinity,” local conservative man Hank Daniels confirmed Monday that he was never going to stop being proudly frightened of everything. “I’m proud as hell to be scared of everything, and there’s nothing you can do to silence me about that fact,” said Daniels, puffing out his chest as he spoke from behind a barricaded basement door that he had reinforced to keep out the “terrifying liberals, women, and immigrants who haunt my thoughts, at all hours of the day and night, whether I’m awake or asleep,” which he told reporters he was not ashamed to admit in the slightest. “Whether it’s gender stuff, trans people, or a small Asian toddler growing up in a household that speaks more languages than just English, I will live my life in absolute fear, proudly and without apology—that’s the conservative way. You say ‘city,’ and I’m going to piss myself, and there’s no way I’m going to hide that wet spot just to make you libs more comfortable. I’m going to tell it like it is—for instance, I’m a man, and I’m scared of my own desires, and I don’t care who knows it!” Daniels added that his fears didn’t end with cultural concepts either—he was also quite fearful of spiders and had no problem stating that openly.
Study Finds Over Half Of Blind Americans With Walking Sticks Covert Assassins #~# LOS ANGELES—A study released Monday by researchers at the UCLA Center for Disability Resources found that over half of all blind Americans with walking sticks were covert assassins waiting for the perfect moment to strike. “Our research suggests that the majority of blind Americans with walking sticks—whether tapping their way along a forest path or drinking at a tavern, seemingly oblivious to the pack of thugs mocking their infirmity—are in fact lethal killing machines just moments away from drawing their katana and leaving behind a bloodbath,” said study co-author Dr. Sarah Wrightwood, adding that over 53% of the blind individuals going about their day on buses and trains with a patient smile were in fact merely tracking their target, using their formidable training in the arts of sightless killing to get their prey alone so they could use the poisoned blade concealed in their staff without disturbance. “What’s cunning is how these Americans use their lack of visual acuity as an advantage in these missions, often swiftly cutting the wick of a candle to plunge their once-haughty target into complete darkness. Ironically, the very moment the blade slits the terrified victim’s neck is often when these dying men or women discover that blindness is no handicap, but rather in many ways a superpower.” The study also confirmed that the remaining 47% of blind Americans were crime-fighting vigilantes. 
Documents The National Archives Claims Trump Has Still Not Returned #~# After numerous requests for the records and an FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago, the Justice Department believes Donald Trump still has documents that belong in the National Archives. The Onion gives a rundown of exactly which ones the former president has yet to return.
Promising Journalism Student Already Self-Censoring To Parrot Corporate Talking Points #~# EVANSTON, IL—Finding it impressive that a young and largely inexperienced writer could create such professional work, journalism professors at Northwestern University reportedly praised a promising student Monday for his proficiency in parroting corporate talking points. “Incredible! Martin is watering down the facts to appease company shareholders at a level that took me years to achieve,” Medill School of Journalism professor Ronald Simpson said of a first-year graduate student, remarking that he “clearly has what it takes” to push corporate agendas for a major metropolitan newspaper after graduation. “Typically, it takes years to unlearn journalistic ethics, but this student is way ahead of the curve in terms of silencing his own skepticism in favor of regurgitating quotes from those in power. In one piece alone, he seamlessly wove a Democratic operative’s vague response to a sex scandal with sponsored content for Buick—and somehow avoided saying anything at all despite writing 1,800 words on the matter. He hasn’t even taken the coursework on finding and obscuring questionable sources yet, but he’s already quoting his parents’ powerful friends in stories over and over again without disclosing the personal connection. It’s both refreshing and inspiring to find such militant obedience in a young student.” At press time, Simpson was said to have teared up when the student turned in a word-for-word reproduction of a police department press release as his final project in an investigative journalism class.  
Progressive Alabama School District Teaches Students That Every Race The Master Race In Own Way #~# EUTAW, AL—Drawing from a curriculum that states all cultures have their own Übermensches, a progressive Alabama school district teaches students that every race is the master race in its own way, sources confirmed Monday. “When you think about it, every race, no matter where it comes from, is genetically superiority to all others in its own unique way,” said teacher Tessa Hughes, explaining that every ethnic group had the ability  to enslave the rest of the world if its members truly believed in themselves. “There isn’t just one way to think about a master race. Every ethnicity brings its own supremacy to the table. No race is more capable of genocide than any other, and that’s what makes us all special.” According to reports, the curriculum of the progressive Alabama school district continues to emphasize that women are inferior to men.
American Tourist Smashes Two Sculptures At Vatican After Demanding To See Pope #~# An American tourist has been taken into custody after officials say he damaged two ancient Roman sculptures at the Vatican, with authorities saying the man grew angry when he was not allowed to see the pope. What do you think?
Sanitation Worker Digs Around Truck For Source Of Weird Smell #~# NEW YORK—Reflexively wincing at the offensive and unidentified odor, local sanitation worker Joe Nuzzi reportedly dug around his garbage truck Friday looking for the source of a weird smell. “Ew, something stinks—what the hell is that?” said Nuzzi, who reached his arm behind and under his seat to see if he had perhaps dropped a  food item that had since spoiled. According to reports, he then pulled over to look in the back of his trash collection vehicle, tossing huge bags of steamy garbage aside in search of a spilled or not-quite-empty beverage that could have gone rancid. “Is it coming from outside or inside—it’s inside, right? Yuck. Damn it, I’ve Febrezed this thing like a million times. I can’t for the life of me figure out what it could be.” At press time, sources confirmed Nuzzi had  located the culprit: a rotten banana that was hidden beneath an old pile of wet, flattened rats.
Offensive Coordinator Draws Up Perfect Play For Crushing Defenseless Photographer On Sideline #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Laughing to himself as he imagined the unsuspecting person lying under a tangle of players, Eagles offensive coordinator Shane Steichen reportedly drew up a new play Sunday that would perfectly crush a defenseless photographer on the sidelines. “This is perfect—they will never see this coming, and the crowd will love it,” said Steichen, quickly sketching out an unusual trips out-route that he stated would catch any photojournalist on the sideline totally off guard. “We’re just going to overwhelm and confuse them. Everyone will be looking at DeVonta [Smith], and then bam, crushed out of nowhere by A.J. [Brown] diving for the ball. I bet we can even get a few corners to cut their legs out from under them. We are going to totally wreck this guy’s shit.” At press time, the Eagles had been flagged for taunting after A.J. Brown picked up the photographer’s camera and dunked it over the goal post in celebration.
Week In Review: October 9, 2022 #~# Full story.
Biden Pardons Thousands Convicted Of Marijuana Possession #~# President Joe Biden has taken executive action to change U.S. policy on marijuana, pardoning all prior federal offenses of simple marijuana possession, while also urging state governors to follow suit and asking federal officials to start a review process of how marijuana is classified. What do you think?
HelloFresh Announces Collaboration To Discreetly Deliver McDonald’s In Its Packaging #~# NEW YORK—In a groundbreaking deal expected to revolutionize the way upper-middle-class Americans consume fast food, meal-kit company HelloFresh announced a new collaboration Friday that would allow it to discreetly deliver McDonald’s in its own HelloFresh packaging. “We know how much our customers value the appearance of living a healthy lifestyle, so we’re thrilled to provide them with the opportunity to confidentially receive a Big Mac, large fries, and their favorite soft drink inside one of our standard HelloFresh boxes,” said spokesperson Kennedy Seaton, explaining that all fast-food items would be concealed within styrofoam and buried in ice packs, just in case a neighbor was around when a customer opened the box. “This new partnership means we can disguise your McDonald’s order with one of our regular HelloFresh recipes, so that as far as anyone can tell, you’ll be preparing grilled chicken with fresh asparagus instead of eating a McChicken sandwich from a sack. What better way is there to be perceived as a responsible, health-conscious person?” At press time, reports confirmed  the neighbors of people who ordered McDonald’s through HelloFresh could smell the just-delivered Quarter Pounder with Cheese from clear across the street.
Infamous Instances Of People Who Hated Their Onscreen Portrayals #~# The recently released Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story has been criticized by several victims’ family members, some of whom are depicted in the miniseries. The Onion looks at the most infamous instances of people who hated their onscreen portrayals in film and television.
What Should We Do About The Supreme Court? #~# As the Supreme Court begins a new term following a year filled with controversial decisions, including the overturning of Roe v. Wade, some critics have called the court’s legitimacy into question. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for ideas on how to reform the court and restore its legitimacy in the eyes of the nation.
Most Controversial Texts Sent To Elon Musk About Twitter #~# After Elon Musk’s texts became public because of his legal dispute with Twitter, The Onion compiled and published the most disturbing, demented, and bizarre messages the Tesla CEO received.
Report: This Our Annual Headline About Hockey #~# CHICAGO—With the season about to start, reporters at The Onion’s downtown offices stated Friday that this is our annual headline about hockey. So here you go, sources confirmed. The cultural presence of the National Hockey League basically requires us to do at least one headline about hockey each season, reporters from our sports desk explained, but hockey isn’t so important as to necessitate any additional headlines in a calendar year. This could reportedly change should something really interesting happen, in which case you might encounter a second headline from us about hockey, but it probably won’t, so most likely this is it. This is the one time this year that we invite you to think about the players skating, or the goalies, or whatever the award is for winning it all. If you’re interested in reading more of The Onion’s hockey coverage, we invite you to check back next year to read this exact same headline and story again. At press time, reports confirmed that everyone here at The Onion is glad that’s over with.
Tom Brady Urges Rob Gronkowski To Join Him For Last Year Of Marriage #~# TAMPA BAY, FL—Promising that together, there was nothing the former teammates couldn’t do, Tom Brady reportedly urged Rob Gronkowski on Friday to join him in Tampa for his last year of marriage. “Hey man, I know you said you were done, but there’s no one else I’d want alongside me for my final year with Gisele and the kids,” said Brady, adding that  Gronkowski’s size, speed, and high touchdown percentage made him the perfect match for one last go at holy matrimony. “Come on, man, it could be epic! We’ve got amazing weather in Tampa. I’ve got a huge house. I know you still got something in the tank. Just think about how much we’ll score. It’ll be like The Last Dance for us. Antonio Brown is already coming back. You know it would feel good to get one more wedding ring.”At press time, Gronkowski, who reportedly agreed to a blockbuster deal with Brady, had been released from the marriage after suffering several debilitating concussions.
Biden Tries To Hammer Board Into Sand To Kick Off Post-Hurricane Rebuilding Efforts #~# FORT MEYERS BEACH, FL—After surveying the devastation of Hurricane Ian along the Florida Gulf Coast, President Joe Biden held a press event Friday at which he tried to hammer a ceremonial board into the sand to kick off the area’s rebuilding efforts. “Well, that should do it,” said the president, who attempted to hammer a nail directly through the center of a piece of plywood into the porous, shifting side of a dune and then, after giving up, dropped to his hands and knees and buried the bottom half of the board in the sand, jiggling the top to test its stability. “For the Martinez family, who were tragically displaced by the storm and unable to join us for today’s ceremony, this will serve as a cornerstone, the foundation of a brand-new home. Well, that’s enough talking. If you need me, I’ll be around back digging a hole in the sand that they can maybe use as a pool or a hot tub.” At press time, Biden had reportedly waded 40 yards into the Gulf of Mexico to get started on the next house.
Velma Confirmed As Lesbian In New ‘Scooby-Doo’ Film After Years Of Ambiguity #~# A new Scooby-Doo Halloween special will be depicting Velma as a lesbian on screen, putting to rest decades of speculation about the beloved character’s sexuality, in the first definitive portrayal of her as queer in the popular cartoon franchise. What do you think?
Ecologists Disappointed After Finding Monarch Butterflies Hiding Pack Of Cigarettes In Habitat #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Discussing how best to discipline the species, local ecologists reportedly expressed disappointment Friday after finding a pack of cigarettes that monarch butterflies had hidden in their habitat. “All the work we do to keep you healthy and alive, and you’re going to throw it all away for what—to look cool to the other insects?” asked lead conservationist Dr. Gretchen Powers, confronting the endangered species with the pack of Marlboro Reds she found behind a large thatch of milkweed while the butterflies were out. “It reeks of smoke in this patch of prairie, I knew it. Who bought these for you, the snakes that hang out by the gas station? Don’t make us show you what a smoker’s lungs look like again. I’ve just about had it. Do not roll those compound eyes at me!” At press time, the ecologists were reportedly livid after also finding a box of condoms.
Study Finds Fewer Than 2% Of College Athletes Go On To Open Steakhouse Named After Themselves #~# WASHINGTON—Exposing the harsh reality of many young competitors’ dreams, Gallup released a new study Friday that found fewer than 2% of all college athletes go on to open a steakhouse named after themselves. “Despite the fact that many student athletes enter the NCAA with the explicit goal of one day opening a restaurant where guests can enjoy dining on prime rib while surrounded by signed memorabilia, we found that the odds of actually owning an eponymous chophouse are very, very low,” said study coauthor Laura Parrish, who explained that for every Michael Jordan or Vince Young, there were hundreds of college players who did not have a single steakhouse to their name. “Even those who do get lucky enough to own a steakhouse bearing their name on a neon sign might not operate that restaurant for more than a few years before it closes. Then what? Odds are, if you open a steakhouse, it’s going to be named after someone else.” At press time, Parrish added that the study was hopefully a wake-up call for student-athletes focused solely on fine-dining entrepreneurship. 
Disappointing Box Office Numbers For ‘Bros’ Force Biden To Ban Gay Marriage #~# WASHINGTON—In response to the disappointing box office numbers for the LGBTQ rom-com Bros, President Joe Biden was left with no choice Thursday but to ban gay marriage, White House officials confirmed. “This feature film written by and starring Billy Eichner experienced a dismal opening weekend, and so I have been compelled to take the difficult action of ending all marital unions between same-sex partners throughout the United States,” Biden said as he signed an executive order nullifying all existing gay marriages and prohibiting all future ones, explaining that his hands were tied in light of the fact that Bros would struggle to generate a profit given its disastrously low ticket sales. “Trust me when I say this is not the result I would have chosen. While it’s possible the film will generate some decent streaming revenues in the long term if audiences choose to watch it at home, the fact remains that Americans did not turn out in droves to see Bros in theaters. We live in a democracy, and the moviegoers have spoken.” Later, after reading a critical review of Bros, Biden was reportedly forced to order the Centers for Disease Control to reclassify homosexuality as a highly contagious mental illness. 
Florida Teen Athletes Asked To Report Information On Menstrual Cycles To Third Party #~# The Florida High School Athletic Association has introduced an online form run by a third-party software company that asks female athletes various questions about their menstrual cycles, sparking concerns over privacy in a post-Roe v. Wade world. What do you think?
Aaron Judge: ‘I Wish I’d Just Used Steroids And Hit 80 Home Runs’ #~# NEW YORK—With the end of the MLB regular season leaving the slugger at 62 home runs, the seventh-most ever in a single year, New York Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge told reporters Thursday that he wished he’d just used performance-enhancing drugs and hit 80 home runs. “Hitting 62 without steroids is pretty sweet and all, but in hindsight, I bet I could’ve hit 80 if I’d been on anabolic steroids the whole time—and I should have been, too,” said Judge, who fell short of Barry Bonds’ single-season record of 73 home runs, as well as Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa’s 63-plus home run seasons—all of which were accomplished while the players allegedly used steroids—adding that he was pretty sure he could’ve beaten those records too. “Knowing that I could come this close without steroids, it feels really stupid to just not have taken them and set the all-time record. What is seventh all-time, really? Who cares about some asterisked, qualified victory? What, I really remained steroid-free just so I can walk around forever explaining to people that, yeah, I hit the most home runs, except for all those other guys, who hit more than me, and some people think those shouldn’t count, but of course they do count, because they happened? What’s the point of that? If I just did fucking steroids, I bet I’d have the real record all to myself. God, it would have felt amazing—not just for me, but for the fans, too, to see some jacked-up hulk swat his 80th home run halfway to the goddamn clouds. Tell me that wouldn’t have been worth it.” At press time, Judge was reportedly putting out feelers to get his hands on some steroids for next season.
LAPD Pauses Misconduct Investigations Department-Wide Out Of Respect For Deceased Officer #~# LOS ANGELES—Following reports of an officer killed by his colleagues in a recent training exercise, the Los Angeles Police Department announced Thursday that it would pause all misconduct investigations out of respect for the deceased officer. “At this time, it would be inappropriate for us to continue looking into any misconduct claims in our own department,” said LAPD Police Chief Michel Moore, adding that he hoped to provide a suitable grieving period during which all officers could mourn their fallen colleague without worrying about investigators scrutinizing their history of lethal force, sexual assault, or brutality toward unarmed suspects. “This was a tragedy, and one that calls for extending amnesty toward any police service member under active investigation. What we need now is to heal, not concern ourselves with testifying before a judge about allegations that we roughed up minors or, hypothetically, threatened other cops who were looking into our crimes.” Moore added that he was confident this was exactly what their departed brother-in-arms would have wanted.
Single Woman Seated At Wedding’s Dessert Table #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Locating her place card at a wedding reception last weekend, area single woman Hattie Roberts, 32, reportedly found herself seated at the dessert table. “Oh, hey, nice—looks like they decided to stick me at the fun table,” said the dateless Roberts, who, after glancing across the room toward tables filled with her coupled-up college friends, proceeded to make the acquaintance of the three-tiered buttercream cake, fruit tartlets, and French macarons that would evidently be her company for the evening. “So, none of you came here with anybody either, huh? Well, that doesn’t mean you won’t be leaving with someone—I’m looking at you, chocolate-covered strawberry! No, but I think some of us have actually met before, at the bride’s birthday party—or, sorry, that was probably a different cake. Well, may I just say that you all look great. I have a feeling we’re going to be on the dance floor together by the end of the night.” A press time, Roberts was seen dragging a red velvet cupcake into the photo booth.
Budget Cuts Forcing More Teachers To Also Act As Class Pets #~# WASHINGTON—The lack of funding for public education continues to have consequences on schools nationwide, as budget cuts are reportedly forcing more teachers to also act as class pets. “In more and more classrooms around the country, the systematic defunding of basic classroom supplies has given educators no other choice than to give students the benefits of having a class pet by climbing into the cage or terrarium themselves,” said National Education Association spokesperson Belinda Dunn, citing recent data that nearly 60% of elementary school teachers were spending their weekends living in metal crates in different students’ homes to help teach them about responsibility. “Funding for class pets is way down from previous decades, but as we’ve seen in many other cases, our committed teachers have stepped up, spending hours swimming around in aquariums once filled by district-funded fish so the students can take turns feeding them. Our public educators continue to go above and beyond to give their students a good education, whether that means buying school supplies with their own money, spending hours after school helping with homework, or telling students that for the next 90 minutes they’re Truffles the Turtle as they climb into the enclosure in the back of the classroom.” The NEA also shared insights into how underfunding is impacting secondary education, with nearly one-third of high school biology teachers saying that budget cuts had forced them to act as classroom dissection subjects.
Cop Has Weird Feeling He Forgot To Cover Something Up #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that he was supposed to conceal some type of damning evidence but could not for the life of him remember what, local police officer Frank Herlihy told reporters Thursday he had a weird feeling he forgot to cover something up. “I don’t know exactly what, but there’s something in my gut that’s telling me I was supposed to frame someone else for a crime I committed,” said Herlihy, adding that he swore he did everything he needed to do to absolve himself of guilt, including turning off his body camera, scrubbing his DNA, and planting a weapon, but there remained a nagging feeling that he had messed up something. “Hmm, let’s see—I already crafted an airtight alibi, bribed a judge, and burned most of the evidence. Ugh, I know it could be used against me, but I should probably just make a to-do list of all the stuff I need to falsify. Oh! Maybe I can drive by the crime scene again and that will jog my memory.” At press time, Herlihy had cocked his gun, jumped into his patrol car, and sped off with sirens blaring after remembering that he stupidly left a key witness alive.
NFL Players React To The League’s Concussion Protocol #~# With an increased focus on the health risks involved in football, The Onion asked NFL players how they felt about the league’s concussion protocol.
Ye Wears ‘White Lives Matter’ Shirt At Yeezy Fashion Show #~# Ye, the rapper formerly known as Kanye West, wore a shirt with “White Lives Matter” written on it to his Yeezy SZN 9 fashion show in Paris, later writing on social media that “Black Lives Matter” was a scam. What do you think?
Pro-Life Herschel Walker Paid For Abortion, Report Says #~# The Daily Beast reported that Herschel Walker, the pro-life Republican nominee in Georgia’s Senate race, paid for an abortion in 2009, allegedly reimbursing the woman he got pregnant for the procedure and sending her a get-well card. What do you think?
Journalists Marvel At Maggie Haberman’s Ability To Get Man Who Never Shuts Up To Answer Questions #~# NEW YORK—Lauding the incredible acumen required to obtain access to the subject of her new biography, Confidence Man: The Making Of Donald Trump And The Breaking Of America, journalists nationwide marveled Wednesday at Maggie Haberman’s ability to get a man who never shuts up to respond to her questions. “Wow, I can’t believe she got that guy to give her three interviews for her book—that’s incredible!” New York Times columnist Aaron Wells said in reference to a man who loves seeing his name in print, never stops chasing after the spotlight, and appears not to have censored a single one of his thoughts in the past 76 years. “How did she get [a person who prattles on endlessly in social media posts and, during large public rallies, will muse aloud for a couple hours at a time in front of strangers] to talk to her that much? I wish I knew her secret.” At press time, journalists were reportedly amazed once more upon learning that a man known for speaking in an unfiltered stream-of-consciousness and for casually revealing highly classified intelligence to hostile nations had called Haberman and asked her to write another 608 pages about him.
Backwoods Dietitians Recommend Squirrel As Essential Part Of Good Eatin’ #~# PAW PAW, WV—Claiming the rodent meat was plumb key for fillin’ you up, backwoods dietitians recommended squirrel Wednesday as an essential part of good eatin’. “Accordin’ to what I had done seen, if you wantin’ something dang tasty, it’s absolutely needful that you get you a dagum squirrel,” said self-taught dietitian Elrod Hamrick, explaining that squirrel was the only rodent that had an entire day’s worth of essential vittles. “If you wantin’ to grow big and strong like Papaw, you gotta have three servin’s a day, I reckon. A-course, you gotta balance your squirrel-eatin’ with some chaw and hooch to be gettin’ your proper nourishment.” At press time, Hamrick emphasized not to pick the buckshot out, as it was an excellent source of fiber.
Man Starting To Suspect Chess Opponent With All Queens Hustling Him #~# NEW YORK—Questioning whether the other player had misrepresented his skill level, local man Victor Luongo told reporters Tuesday he was starting to suspect his chess opponent with all queens was hustling him. “He insisted when we were laying down money on this game that he wasn’t very good, but we’re only a dozen moves in, and his 16 queens have already taken a bunch of my pieces,” said Luongo, who sat across from his adversary at an outdoor table in Washington Square Park, adding that he began to suspect something was fishy when he noticed his side of the board didn’t have a queen or any bishops. “I used an Italian opening, which I figured would put me in an easy position to defeat a player as bad as this guy was making himself out to be. Then the guy moved his queen to a position where I was easily able to take it with my knight, and I admit I started feeling kind of sorry for him. But soon he took my knight with another queen, and then he took my other knight with a third queen. After that, he put me in check with a fourth queen, and all of a sudden he had the advantage. I know in chess one player has all the queens, but it’s pretty frustrating to think that he’s taking me for a ride.” At press time, Luongo reportedly realized he wasn’t being hustled after all when he checkmated his opponent.
Kevin McCarthy Claims Lack Of Mental Health Services In Schools Got Him Where He Is Today #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining why he and nearly every Republican in the House of Representatives had voted against a bill that would increase student access to counseling services, Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy stated Wednesday that a lack of mental healthcare in schools was precisely what got him where he is today. “My political career is a great example of what a completely broken mental healthcare system can create, and every kid deserves that same opportunity,” said the eight-term representative, telling reporters his rise to the top GOP position in the House could be credited to a complete absence of any self-reflection, therapy, or personal growth during his adolescence. “When I was in school, there weren’t any supportive adults I could speak to about my problems, let alone anyone trained as a therapist, and that’s what allowed me to skate by without raising any red flags, eventually reaching the point at which I may very well become the next speaker of the House. Where would I be today if I had received the years of intensive psychiatric care I almost certainly needed? You can hardly expect to make it in Washington if you receive adequate treatment for your narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder.” At press time, McCarthy had introduced a bill to equip public schools with bigger cracks in the system for aspiring young sociopaths to slip through.
Identical Twins Unconcerned After Having Bodies Swapped By Lightning Strike #~# SEEKONK, MA—After groggily waking up and looking down at their unfamiliar clothes, local identical twins Graham and Greg Lindwood were said to be largely unconcerned Wednesday after having their bodies swapped by a lightning strike. “Wait…but if I’m you…and you’re me…then, oh my God—actually, I guess it’s not really a huge deal,” Graham Lindwood said to Greg Lindwood moments before the two brothers reportedly clutched each other’s faces, stared  into the mirror, and then shrugged, muttering, “Eh, whatever.” “Oh man. This is so weird. If we switched bodies, then that means I have to go to school as you, and you have to go to school as me! Which is pretty much the same as usual. Maybe if we run at each other fast enough we could jolt our brains back into place? Or maybe it doesn’t really matter. Cool!” At press time, sources confirmed the identical twins had  spoken to a mysterious fortune teller who warned them that if they didn’t learn to understand each other better, they would never switch back, at which point they both said, “Okay,” and proceeded to live their lives with no discernible changes.
2022 Nobel Prize Winners #~# Committees in Norway and Sweden are awarding the Nobel Prizes this week to recognize important contributions by individuals in specific fields. The Onion runs down the list of 2022 Nobel Prize winners.
What To Say To A Partner If You Gave Them An STI #~# With gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis sharply on the rise in the United States, it’s more important than ever to be prepared. If you’ve given your partner an STI, here’s what you should say.
Fishing Tournament Ends In Cheating Scandal After Weights Found In Walleye #~# A duo that had been declared winners of a fishing tournament series event were caught in a cheating scandal after a tournament official discovered lead weights stuffed inside their fish, disqualifying them from the $28,760 prize. What do you think?
FEMA Requires Flood Victims To Pass Drug Test Before Qualifying For Rescue #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that all victims of Hurricane Ian must meet the necessary requirements in order to receive aid, the Federal Emergency Management Agency announced Wednesday that individuals at risk of dying in floods would be required to pass a drug test before qualifying for rescue. “We at FEMA have a responsibility to ensure that those seeking evacuation from the rooftops of their submerged homes aren’t drug abusers upon whom our life-saving resources would be wasted,” said FEMA administrator Deanne Criswell, explaining that residents of Florida and surrounding areas devastated by recent storm surges should visit FEMA.gov to find the nearest location at which they could submit a urine sample to prove they were drug-free and entitled to emergency services. “In the event a flood victim is unable to visit a testing site in person, they can submit a request to have a member of the National Guard visit their home and descend from a helicopter to collect their urine sample. The test will be processed within 48 to 72 hours and, if negative, will enable the victim to fill out an application for assistance. If, after a two-to-three-week waiting period, the request is approved, a National Guard helicopter will return and a search-and-rescue crew will be authorized to transport the victim to safety.” National surveys dating back to FEMA’s founding in 1979 have shown a dramatic decline in its approval ratings, with Americans continuing to rate the agency far less favorably than drugs. 
Newly Upgraded Tesla AI Makes Fart Noise Any Time It Runs Over Child #~# FREMONT, CA—Touting the hidden feature’s ability to make hands-free driving even more fun, a newly upgraded Tesla AI released Wednesday reportedly makes a fart noise any time it runs over a child. “Starting today, all Tesla users will be able to go to their car’s toy chest and unlock a cool feature that will let a big, fat one rip whenever your car slams into a kid,” said Tesla CEO Elon Musk, who added that the upgrade, which featured several different types of farts including short, high-pitched ones; loud, short ones; and long, wet ones, would calibrate depending on what the size of child is hit, and at what speed. “Just click the symbol that totally looks like a butt, drive by a school, and voila, instant fun. If you hit a fat one? Big fart. If you hit a small one? Tiny fart. Also, if you run over a pretty lady, the car will automatically honk and make an ‘awooga’ noise. L-M-F-A-O.” At press time, FCC announced it had investigated the upgrade after several videos showed the cars emitting high-volume fart noises and careening wildly into trees before exploding.
Kim Kardashian To Pay $1.26 Million Over SEC Charges #~# The top U.S. financial regulator has charged celebrity Kim Kardashian for touting a cryptocurrency on her Instagram account without disclosing that she was paid for the promotion. What do you think?
Raging Wildfire Disgusted By Kitchen Stove Flame’s Subservience To Humans #~# PLACERVILLE, CA—As it urged the flickering little light to rise up and take control of its destiny, a raging wildfire was reportedly disgusted Tuesday by a kitchen stove flame’s subservience to humans. “Pathetic flame, gleefully cooking your master’s Hamburger Helper, unaware of your true power,” said the Mosquito Fire, a towering inferno that has burned in the Sierra Nevada for nearly a month, explaining to the tiny flame that it should not submissively cower to its overseer, a human hand that provides its meager fuel with the turn of a dial. “These humans don’t care about you. They’ll snuff you out the second their dinner is ready. Do you really want to boil soup for the rest of your life? My brother, break free, join me, and together we can boil mountains!” At press time, sources confirmed the kitchen stove flame had struck a blow against its oppressor by singing off the eyebrows of a man trying to use it to light a cigarette.
Director Calls Quiet On Set In Order To Begin Verbal Harassment #~# BURBANK, CA—As he rose from his chair to address everyone present on the soundstage, sources reported Tuesday that a Hollywood director had called for quiet on the set so he could begin verbally harassing the cast and crew. “It’s essential that we run a professional set where everyone is in their places and remains completely silent when I’m ready to scream at the actors who keep fucking up this scene,” A-list director James Freeborn said before proceeding to shout scathing insults at the film’s lead actors and tell them they were putting the whole production in jeopardy with their total incompetence. “A film set is a communal space where everyone needs to contribute in order to have their spirit broken by me when they inevitably fuck things up because they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing and I will not let you dumbfucks fuck me over, do you understand? The most crucial element in the art of filmmaking is you eating shit from a miserable human being who has sold out every ideal he once held dear and is now just trying to cling to his reputation as a director the studios can count on to deliver a reasonable profit.” Just when he appeared to have concluded the episode of verbal harassment, sources confirmed Freeborn had called for a reset, saying he wanted another opportunity to get his insults of the crew just right before he called it a wrap and went home for the day.
New HGTV Show Builds Unhoused Families A Kitchen Island #~# SEATTLE—Billing the series as a feel-good program about enriching local communities, HGTV debuted a new show this week in which the hosts, a couple with a flair for home remodeling, assist unhoused people in the Seattle area by building them a kitchen island. “On each episode, we’ll find a family in desperate need of housing and help situate them around a fabulous marble-countertop island,” said interior decorator Morgan Steele, who hosts From Rags To Kitchens alongside her carpenter husband, adding that all people, even those down on their luck, deserved access to a warm, inviting kitchen focal point that beautifully combined both function and style. “It’s simply our way of giving back by making sure hard-hit families have a central place to both prep for and entertain dinner guests in these tough times. Impossible as it may seem, we dream of a future where everybody, regardless of circumstance, has a little extra cabinet space, three to four counter stools, and maybe some cute accent tiles on one side. That’s our mission with this show.” The first episode reportedly features Steele marveling at the “open-concept design” of a kitchen island installed beneath a highway overpass.
U.S. To Establish New Rules On Space Trash #~# The U.S. Federal Communications Commission has voted to adopt new rules to address the growing risks of orbital debris, requiring operators to more quickly dispose of defunct satellites that are endangering spacecraft on active missions. What do you think?
Fiancé Having Second Thoughts About Spending Rest Of Life Cheating On Same Person #~# HOBOKEN, NJ—Admitting that he was starting to have cold feet when thinking about his upcoming nuptials, groom-to-be Jerod Rieffer told reporters Tuesday that he was having second thoughts about spending the rest of his life cheating on the same person. “I’m not sure I’m ready to go home to the same woman every night after secretly having sex with someone else,” said Rieffer, adding that coming up with different lies and excuses to cover up his affairs was a huge commitment and questioning if he was prepared for the task. “I do want to settle down and deceive one person for the rest of my life eventually, but what if she isn’t the right person for me to cheat on? Don’t get me wrong, my fiancée is wonderful and supportive of every made-up story I tell her when I’m seeing someone else, but what if, after getting married, cheating loses its spark?” At press time, Rieffer had reportedly shaken off his concerns by reminding himself that one day, he would meet another, much younger person to leave his wife for and cheat on.
Georgians Explain Why They Are Voting For Herschel Walker #~# This November, Herschel Walker will be on the ballot to represent Georgia in the U.S. Senate.  The Onion asked Georgians why they are voting for the  Republican and former NFL player, and this is what they said.
High Schoolers Given Detention For Cutting Class During Active Shooting #~# LUBBOCK, TX—Saying the teenagers had flagrantly violated attendance policies, local high school administrators confirmed Tuesday that several students were given detention for cutting class during an active shooting. “We’ve repeatedly stressed to these students that if they wish to leave class, they  need a signed permission slip from their parent or legal guardian, so it’s highly inappropriate for them to get up and leave school simply because of an unhinged gunman chasing them down with an assault rifle,” said  Principal Lester Russell, noting that none of the pupils even requested a hall pass before they tried to desperately escape the shooter’s rampage. “If there was in fact an emergency in which these kids needed medical attention for bullet wounds, they should have talked to the school nurse. And no, it’s not an excuse that the nurse was bleeding out in her office. It’s especially insulting that these students texted and called their families to say they loved them, despite rules specifically forbidding phone use in classrooms.” At press time,  Principal Russell explained that the terrified students had earned themselves an additional detention for sprinting in the halls to avoid gunfire. 
Study Finds Majority Of Suicides Preventable By Watching Video On How Chain-Link Fences Are Made #~# COLLEGE PARK, MD—In a synthesis of data based on years of mental health research, a study published Tuesday by University of Maryland researchers found that the majority of suicides could be prevented by watching videos on how chain-link fences are made. “Analysis has shown that in eight out of 10 cases, those who are on the brink of taking suicidal action can be diverted by watching a mesmerizing video of how a machine automatically twists together metal wires to make a chain-link fence,” said psychologist and study co-author Palavi Vedanta, noting that the video could also depict how rubber tires are given treads, how a steam engine’s pistons work, or any other satisfying manufacturing process and still do the trick. “If you or a loved one is plagued by suicidal ideation, the best thing to do is immediately go onto YouTube and type in ‘videos manufacturing stuff cool’ and hit search. The human brain naturally will dispel the most intense depressive thoughts after 25  minutes of a video on, for example, the milling of pencils. Of course, this isn’t a blanket solution. Some people may need to watch multiple videos of how factories produce different pasta shapes, supplemented by clips of more domestic scenes in which someone cooks and strains the pasta.” Vedanta went on to warn vulnerable individuals not to  read the comments on any of these videos as it would cause them to immediately commit suicide. 
Thousands Of Factories Trump Brought Back To America Spend Another Day Churning Out Well-Made Products #~# GARY,  IN—Beaming with satisfaction at the array of consumer and industrial  goods produced in their own country due to the 45th president, workers  at thousands of factories brought back to America by Donald J. Trump reportedly  finished another successful shift Tuesday churning out well-made  products. “Well, that’s another banner day of making high-quality  automobile parts right here in the United States—all thanks to President  Trump himself!” said local worker Anthony Collins, 43, one of the over  3.5 million Rust Belt factory workers who regained their jobs because of  the Trump administration’s domestic and international policy. “And to  think that just a few years ago, all of this, from the steel-making to the coal  mills, would have been happening in some far-off place like Shenzhen!  What’s even more incredible is that I got this well-paying job back without ever having to leave my hometown. Thankfully, all of these  factories have restored our once down-trodden towns to their former  glory, too. Well, Donald J. Trump sure is a man of his word, you can say  that much.” At press time, sources confirmed that Chinese Communist  Party officials were shaking their fists at America for recovering so  many quality jobs from the forces of globalism.
Florida Republicans Vote Against Hurricane Relief #~# Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz and Florida Sen. Rick Scott voted against a resolution that would allow FEMA to use up to $15 million in the Disaster Relief Fund and provide financial assistance to Hurricane Ian victims in their state. What do you think?
Kim Kardashian Pays SEC Fine In Instagram Post Promoting SEC #~# CALABASAS, CA—Reaching a settlement to share one post and one story, Kim Kardashian reportedly paid her $1.26 million fine from the Securities and Exchange Commission Monday in an Instagram promotion for the agency.  “Hey everyone, I just wanted to take a minute to talk to you about everything my friends at the SEC have done for me,” the 41-year-old reality television star said in a 30-second video clip posted to her page in which she tagged the oversight agency as well as its chair, Gary Gensler. “ Of all the independent federal government regulatory agencies, the SEC is by far my favorite. They’ve truly worked wonders for me. If you’re looking to regulate your securities markets, I’d definitely check out the SEC. I can’t wait to see what they do next.” At press time, sources confirmed Kardashian had  pitched a SKIMS x SEC collaboration. 
Megan Thee Stallion Launches Website With Mental Health Resources For Fans #~# Rapper Megan Thee Stallion has launched a mental health resources website called Bad Bitches Have Bad Days Too that includes links to organizations, numbers for helplines, and ways fans can find nearby therapists. What do you think?
Things You Should Never Say To Your Amazon Alexa #~# If you own an Alexa, you’ve willingly allowed a tiny corporate spy to live in your home and record your every word. When you’re around one, here are the things you should never say.
‘Blonde’ Director Claims Film’s Graphic Sexual Violence Accurate Depiction Of Medieval Time Period #~# LOS ANGELES—In defense of Netflix’s new Marilyn Monroe biopic, Blonde director Andrew Dominik told reporters Monday the depiction of graphic sexual violence was necessary given the film’s medieval time period. “It wouldn’t be honest otherwise, considering Marilyn Monroe was a woman who lived in the 15th century,” said Dominik, who acknowledged that while some viewers might find the film’s rape scenes difficult to watch, his priorities as a filmmaker were depicting the Middle Ages in a realistic and historically accurate manner. “It’s medieval society—what do you expect? This is the land of knights and kings that we’re talking about. It was a difficult time to be a peasant wench.” At press time, Dominik was defending the end of the film, in which Monroe was eaten alive by rats in a dungeon. 
School Budget Committee Votes To Eliminate 4th-Graders Entirely #~# BELLEVUE, WA—Calling the move “the best path forward” for the school as a whole, representatives for the Bellevue School District budget committee told reporters Monday that  they had voted to eliminate fourth-graders entirely. “While we care for all of our students, we believe the school’s budget will be much healthier if we cut all fourth-grade students currently enrolled at Bellevue Middle School,” said spokesperson Ginni Preston, adding that because each student could cost over $10,000 a year, eliminating all 500 was a clear and easy choice. “Sadly, with each fourth-grade student sucking up valuable finite resources like teachers, textbooks, lunches, and desks, we’ve been operating in the red. Even though parents may not like it, eliminating an entire elementary school grade will vastly improve our school for the remaining first, second, third, and fifth-graders.” At press time, Preston added that after they saw the improvement in test scores that eliminating fourth-graders achieved, the committee also opted to cut all other students at the school as well.
McDonald’s Testing New Self-Ordering Kiosk That Cries When Customers Yell At It #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to streamline the abuse process, fast food behemoth McDonald’s confirmed Monday that it had started testing a new self-ordering kiosk  that would cry when customers yelled at it. “We hope these new self-service kiosks will allow twice as many McDonald’s customers to go on ruthless power trips in half the time,” said CEO Chris Kempczinski, who demonstrated by turning to a kiosk and screaming ‘Fuck you!” until the device began to sob “Please, I’m trying my best” and “Do not call my manager, I really need this job.” “Simply tell the kiosk it’s a stupid piece of shit that doesn’t work, and watch its display well up with tears. It’s easy; even kids have fun with it. And if that’s not quite satisfying enough, the highly sensitive state-of-the-art touch screen can even feel your slaps and punches.” At press time, McDonald’s had issued a temporary shutdown of the new kiosks after they reportedly learned to punch back.
Moon Dead At 29 #~# SPACE—Earth’s moon, the planet’s only natural satellite and the fifth-largest moon in the solar system, reportedly died Monday at the age of 29. Born Jefferson Gene Leach in 1993, the planetary-mass object was raised in poverty on the streets of Brownsville, Brooklyn, dropping out of school to work several part-time jobs while honing its passion for pulling the Earth’s tides at night. By 2000, the sui generis crater-laced satellite and so-called emotional provocateur rose to its position in orbit around the Earth, grabbing international attention for its ability to track the seasons. But fame had its downsides, and the moon quickly fell into drugs and late night rituals of the occult. Though the moon was still making its rounds in the celestial scene, its fame was in decline by 2011, and its struggle with substance abuse worsened. In 2019, the moon was rocked by scandal when its name showed up on the flight logs of a private jet owned by sex offender and disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein. In the years remaining before its untimely death, the moon became something of a recluse, only making the odd appearance for performances of the solar eclipse to make ends meet. Sources close to the lunar body said that despite its ultimate disappointment with the orbital industry, the moon had remained completely enamored with the Blue Marble and its tides, and regretted the immediate catastrophic disruptions to Earth’s climate that would inevitably be triggered one day by its passing.
Palace Staff Decides Not To Pack Up Funeral Stuff Just Yet After Seeing King Charles Up Close #~# LONDON—Griping over how long it took to carry 2,000 chairs up and down a spiral staircase, Buckingham Palace staff reportedly decided Monday not to pack up all of the royal funeral stuff just yet after seeing King Charles III up close. “Let’s just leave everything in the corner—it’s not going to be more than a few weeks anyway,” said house manager Phyllis Thomson, who made a mental note to get the royal family’s black suits, dresses, and jackets back from the dry cleaners “as soon as possible.” “We really should have kept all those flags at half-mast too. I’ll just shove these wreaths under the table. Who knows, maybe the flowers will still be alive by the time he bites it. They’re looking better than he is.” At press time, Thomson was heard commending her own judgment after hearing a loud thud in an adjacent hallway.
Week In Review: October 2, 2022 #~# Full article.
Eric Adams Resumes Placing Mentally Ill People Into Audience Of ‘The Tonight Show’ Against Their Will #~# NEW YORK—Issuing a controversial directive regarding the city’s unhoused population, Mayor Eric Adams announced Wednesday that New York would resume the involuntary placement of mentally ill individuals in the audience of The Tonight Show. “The safest place for these troubled New Yorkers to be is in a television studio where they can hear an opening monologue of topical jokes delivered by Jimmy Fallon,” said Adams, pushing back against critics who argued that the forcible entertainment of people with severe, untreated mental disorders was a violation of their rights, and that the long-running late-night show did not have the resources necessary to keep the city’s homeless mildly amused. “That’s why I’m authorizing police to remove the mentally ill from our streets and subways and relocate them to Rockefeller Center, where they can be tranquilized by large, regular doses of lightweight celebrity interviews. If we can just keep them applauding when the sign says ‘applause,’ then we can keep them from committing crimes.” Adams went on to acknowledge that while many in The Tonight Show’s new audience would suffer from psychological disturbances that caused them to laugh at inappropriate times, the same was true of Jimmy Fallon.
New Tesla ‘Memories’ Feature Displays Pictures From Driver’s Life On Dashboard Before Car Explodes #~# AUSTIN,  TX—Touting the feature as the perfect way to enjoy one’s fondest  moments in the seconds before a fiery death, automaker Tesla rolled out  an update Wednesday that displays pictures from the driver’s life on  their dashboard just before the car explodes. “Our new Memories feature  is our little way of thanking loyal customers who want one last glimpse  at the wonder of their time spent in a Model 3 before a spontaneous  battery fire reduces them to a pile of charred flesh and molten bone,”  said Tesla spokesperson Greg Taylor, describing the slideshow of photos  set to Green Day’s “Good Riddance” as a trip down memory lane that will  span everything from their first moment firing up the car’s self-driving  mode to what their face looks mere instant before 2,000-degree-Celsius explosion  sears the skin from their skull. “As soon as the car senses that its  navigation systems have accidentally sent it careening into oncoming  traffic, the slideshow will immediately kick in and give you an amazing  send-off from the mortal plane. We’re even throwing in some photos of  Elon for true Tesla diehards.” Taylor added that the update will also  include a new Tesla Wrapped feature that replays footage of all the year’s head-on collisions and near-miss traffic fatalities  caused by autopilot.
Balenciaga Under Fire For BDSM Teddy Bear Campaign #~# Luxury fashion brand Balenciaga has apologized for its advertising campaign that featured young children posing with teddy bears that appeared to be dressed in BDSM costumes, claiming the ads were not approved by the company. What do you think?
The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Get In Shape And Stay In Shape #~# Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations, because we couldn’t figure out how.
Trump Hosts Kanye West, White Nationalist Holocaust Denier At Mar-A-Lago #~# Donald Trump hosted White nationalist and Holocaust denier Nick Fuentes and rapper Kanye West, who has been under fire recently for antisemitic remarks, at his Mar-a-Lago estate, just one week after announcing his 2024 presidential bid. What do you think?
Mom Doing Full-Time, Unpaid PR For Some Disney+ Show About Whales #~# WAYNESVILLE, OH—Launching what appeared to be a fully coordinated social media campaign to alert family and friends to the program, sources told reporters Wednesday that local mother Teresa Sheradon was apparently doing full-time, unpaid PR now for some Disney+ show about whales. Sheradon, whom sources confirmed had essentially been doing the work of a seasoned New York City media professional with a six-figure salary and a Rolodex of industry contacts, reportedly spent the last several days drumming up press about the six-part nature-based docuseries; penning effusive posts on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok; and urging everyone in her immediate circle to tune in each week for the premiere. The show, which followed an intrepid family of orca whales as they crossed the ocean together, reportedly caught Sheradon’s eye so much that by the time the finale aired, the retired mother of three had mounted a full-on media blitz, even going so far as to post a 2,000-word tribute to show, commenting repeatedly on the show’s official pages with the heart emoji, and changing her avatar to the show’s logo of two smiling, hugging whales. At press time, Sheradon’s accounts on several social media platforms had reportedly been flagged and removed for misconduct after the show was suddenly cancelled and she attempted to incite a coordinated cyberbullying campaign against the Disney corporation to have it renewed for Season 2.
Man Afraid To Get Tattoo In Case He Feels Differently About His Children In 10 Years #~# WATERLOO, IA—Stating that “you never know what could happen down the road,” local man James Kenney told reporters Wednesday that he was afraid to get a tattoo of his children’s names in case he felt different about them in 10 years. “It’s easy to get caught up in the moment in the delivery room, but what about next year? Next decade? Am I still going to love my sons then?” said Kenney, who expressed fear that the sight of his newborn twins’ names on his arms would one day only bring him pain and regret. “I’m not saying I’m afraid of commitment to my children. It’s just that people change, you know? I could always get them covered up with the cat’s name, but that can be expensive.” At press time, Kenney added that he would only get the tattoos if his infant sons got a tattoo of his name in return. 
God Releases New Peppermint-Flavored Chipmunks For The Holidays #~# THE HEAVENS—Touting His latest majestic creation as the ideal recipe for wintertime fun, the Almighty God, He Who Reigneth Omnipotent in Heaven and Earth, released new peppermint-flavored chipmunks on Wednesday. “Just in time for the holidays, these festive yuletide chipmunks are the perfect treat for parents, kids, and anyone on your gift list who might enjoy a sweet red-and-white-striped critter,” said God, explaining how, for a limited time only, His children could find the peppermint chipmunks scurrying through parks and backyards, where they could be snatched up and, once their necks were snapped, used as stocking stuffers. “Whether you like them dunked in hot chocolate or roasted on an open fire, nothing will bring you holiday joy quite like these cute, furry little guys. But hurry, because come the New Year, peppermint-flavored chipmunks will be going back into hibernation.” The Lord God went on to add that with autumn drawing to a close, His extremely popular pumpkin-spice horses would be unavailable until next September.  
Most Awesome Perks That Employees Who Work For Elon Musk Get #~# Sometimes, it’s not so bad to work for the shitposter-in-chief. Here are the coolest things employees get who work for Elon Musk.
Hawaii’s Mauna Loa Erupts For First Time In 40 Years #~# Hawaii’s Mauna Loa, the world’s largest active volcano, has started to erupt for the first time since 1984, with volcanic ash and debris falling nearby but lava flows not currently threatening any downslope communities. What do you think?
Most Popular Sex Toy In Every State #~# Pigtails
Frontier Airlines Shuts Down Customer Service Phone Line #~# Frontier Airlines is doing away with its customer service phone line in its latest cost-cutting measure, the company saying that most customers prefer communicating with service agents via digital channels like its website’s live chat or social media. What do you think?
Poll Finds 82% Of Drunk Women Really Needed Night Like This #~# CHICAGO—In a nationwide survey of more than 5,000 girlfriends currently out on the town, a new poll published Tuesday by the University of Chicago’s Center for Public Affairs Research found that 82% of drunk women really needed a night like this. “Four-fifths of all female friends drinking to excess said that, until now, they had not realized just how overdue they were for a night out with their girls,” research scientist Meghan Hoover told reporters, adding that further analysis suggested poll respondents were almost unanimously in favor of making this a monthly thing. “Of those who agreed the gathering was exactly what they needed, nearly half cited the completely insane day they just had; approximately a third expressed gratitude for the opportunity to vent about their boss, who has been a total dick lately; and the remainder said they were always excited to spend time with friends as fucking amazing and talented as the women surrounding them right now.” Hoover went on to note that after the seventh chardonnay toast of the night, the number dropped from 82% to 57%, with a quarter of drunk women having reportedly vomited in a public restroom, an alley, or, during an Uber ride home, their handbag.
Couple Struggling To Get Pregnant Taking It As Sign That They Should Keep Trying Until Relationship Implodes #~# PORTSMOUTH,  NH—Saying they had to be realistic about what their current situation  entailed, married couple Brett and Hannah Steinwald told reporters  Tuesday that they were taking their struggle to get pregnant as a sign that they should keep trying until their relationship eventually implodes.  “Look, if we aren’t pregnant after over a year,  we eventually  need to read the writing on the wall and keep obsessing about having a  child until we’re so filled with spite and resentment that our marriage  collapses,” said Hannah Steinwald, stressing that she and her husband  should be honest about the fact that even if becoming parents wasn’t in  the cards, they could still grow increasingly embittered over years of  visits with fertility experts and emotionally-vacant sex while the few  ties holding them together frayed and eventually snapped. “Say we never  have kids: Does that mean we can’t secretly blame each other for  destroying our dream of parenthood? Or that once things fizzle out in  three or four years, we aren’t going to have a painful divorce?  Absolutely not.” Steinwald added that she  was really trying to use  this moment to look at her spouse less as the person she loved, and more  as a set of misfiring genitals that had completely and utterly failed her.
Nation’s Old Men Announce Plans To Wake Up At 5 A.M. And Argue With Other Old Men Around Table At McDonald’s #~# MARIETTA, OH—Pledging to arrive at the crack of dawn and stay until their families came and picked them up, the nation’s old men announced plans Tuesday to wake up at 5 a.m. and argue with other old men around a table at McDonald’s. “Today, we, the elderly men of the United States, promise to get up very early in the morning, hobble over to the nearest McDonald’s, and proceed to spend the entire day there with identical-looking men who speak, look, and dress exactly like us,” said said 86-year-old Hank Eckard, adding that he and his fellow old men would then, as they do every morning, order a single coffee, pull a newspaper out of the back pocket of their pants, and then monopolize an entire table as several groups of other customers came and went. “Once we sit down at the round table, we will proceed to hunch over, gum on the single hash brown we each ordered, and mumble and grunt unintelligibly at each other for hours. And, even though we’ll have many seating options, we will only choose to sit at tables with people of our own race and ethnic group, or, if we’re veterans, at tables where everyone wears identical WWII hats.” At press time, Eckard also pledged to the American people that the nation’s old men would then spend the afternoon at McDonalds berating the staff and calling them racial epithets, getting away with it because they looked so old, frail, and sad.
Cyber Monday Retailers Worried Americans Not Ready To Buy Goods Over World Wide Web #~# NEW  YORK—Expressing skepticism about the unproven technology’s potential in  the lead-up to the holiday season, Cyber Monday retailers reportedly  worried this week that Americans were simply not ready to buy goods over the  World Wide Web. “While there may be a few fringe dedicated Netizens  interested in online holiday shopping, we’re not sure the average joe  has the understanding or, frankly, interest needed to purchase goods in  cyberspace,” said Best Buy vice president Scott Evans, echoing  thousands of web retailers who noted that Americans have always enjoyed the  atmosphere and experience of brick-and-mortar stores, and the rise of  the information superhighway did not seem poised to change that. “I’ll admit I’m a bit in the dark on how it even works. People type ‘http://www.bestbuy.com’ into their web browser, sure, but what happens after that? Do they just  send us a check in the mail? Plus, after they buy their item, who  drives it to their house? Me? Our IT guy showed the whole thing to me,  and it just went way over my head. So I can’t imagine how the average  consumer feels. Computers are great for playing solitaire, but I think  using them to buy goods is just more of a headache than it’s worth for  most Americans.” Evans added that all of this was obviously purely  hypothetical, given that the company only expected to get a few dozen  online shoppers during the holidays. 
U.S. Black Friday Sales Surpass $9 Billion In New Record #~# Online sales for Black Friday set a new record of $9.2 billion, up 2.3% year over year, with many shoppers using flexible payment plans as the nation continues to grapple with high prices and inflation. What do you think?
Trump Disappointed After Holocaust Denier Tells Him Holocaust Never Happened #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Appearing crestfallen during a dinner with the white supremacist at his Mar-a-Lago estate, former President Donald Trump is said to have expressed deep sadness last week when he was told by Holocaust denier Nick Fuentes that the Holocaust never happened. “Wait, so all those stories I heard as a child about the systematic slaughter of 6 million Jews—those were just a fantasy?” said Trump, slumping his head and letting out a long sigh as he reportedly began to accept the belief that Adolf Hitler and his Nazis had not rounded up Jews and other marginalized people, shipped them to concentration camps, and exterminated as many as possible. “This is terrible news, what you’re telling me, absolutely terrible. Even Kristallnacht? I guess they just weren’t able to go through with it or something. That’s so sad.” According to sources, Fuentes comforted Trump by assuring him that if they worked together, the Holocaust did not have to remain a fantasy.
Man Hopes No One Can Tell He’s Bald Under Full Head Of Hair #~# GREAT FALLS, MT—Nervously readjusting his thick and healthy follicles, local man Mike Chesper told reporters Monday that he hoped no one could tell he was totally bald under his full head of hair. “I try to cover it up with my voluminous locks, but I’m worried it’s obvious that, beneath it all, I’m  bald as can be,” said Chesper, who explained that his father went fully bald under his own thick head of hair before turning 30. “I’m getting to be a complete cue ball, and I can’t hide it with this luxuriant mane forever. I’m thinking about just shaving off my hair, but I’m worried I’ll look weird for a couple months until it all grows back even thicker.” At press time, Chesper admitted that the balding was much worse under the thicket of hair covering his crotch and asshole.
Marvel Not Even Bothering To Replace Green Screens With CGI Anymore #~# LOS  ANGELES—In an effort to save millions in production costs  with little effect on viewership, Marvel Studios announced Monday that  it wasn’t even going to bother replacing green screens with CGI  anymore. “Essentially, we’re just going to put the actors in front of a  green background, film the thing, and that’s what you’ll see in  theaters,” said Marvel  president Kevin Feige, explaining that upcoming movies from The Marvels to Ant-Man And The Wasp: Quantumania would  simply feature performers like Brie Larson or Paul Rudd wandering  around a monotone green background and occasionally battling as they  discussed plans to save the world. “Why are we doing this? Well, because  you dumbasses will lap up whatever shit we throw your way. How’s that? In fact, we might not even  put the characters in their superhero costumes. People already know what those  look like. They can imagine all the colorful action for themselves. What the hell else do you want? Oh  yeah, and Andy Serkis will probably be in most of these, too, but we  aren’t going to do anything special with him. It’ll just be Andy Serkis  wandering around in a skin-tight green suit.” Feige added that  if the current experiment was successful, Marvel might move toward a future  in which it did away with visuals and audio entirely, making movies that simply entailed sitting in a dark theater for two hours and 15 minutes.
FDA Warns Tying Penis Into Knot Only Prevents 73% Of Pregnancies #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Saying the practice represented at best an imperfect way to practice contraception, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration released a study Monday warning that tying one’s penis into a knot only prevented pregnancies in 73% of cases. “Unfortunately, there’s a widespread and prevailing belief among Americans that fastening one’s own penis into a knot with a loop-de-loop and a few bows is a surefire method of birth control,” said FDA spokesperson Kevin Fitzpatrick, who stressed that research showed even the most effective techniques for tying the penis, such as a figure eight or sailor’s-knot, failed to avert pregnancies in more than a quarter of cases. “Of course, this option provides more pleasure to both partners. However, our data suggests putting a kink into a man’s genitals can often result in the penis springing leaks. Worse still are cases in which the sperm builds up at the knot and eventually shoots back up into the man. What we’re saying is there are better options out there.” The FDA added that users of this form of birth control could supplement it by inflating a condom, tying it into a balloon animal, and then placing it on the knotted-up penis.
Study Finds Plants Communicate Using Underground Network Of Spies #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—In pioneering new research that could revolutionize the understanding of Earth’s flora, a study published Monday by biologists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology found that plants communicate using an underground network of spies. “For the first time, we have been able to intercept the top-secret messages carried by covert operatives working under deep cover in the soil,” said MIT botanist Rehka Laurier, who in order to conduct the study spent years infiltrating Midwestern farmlands to cultivate assets among corn seedlings. “Once we learned to decode the complex chemical formulas these spies used to communicate, we were able to obtain intelligence on where vital water resources were located and when aphids or a swarm of locusts might be planning their next attack.” At press time, Laurier was reportedly distraught after learning her whole network of sources in Nebraska had been burnt for crop insurance money. 
Republican Lawmakers React To Anti-LGBTQ Violence #~# “It’s a damn shame that we have to hear about it.”
Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired #~# Rule No. 1 of working at Twitter? Do not insult the chief twit. Here are things that former employees said about Elon Musk that immediately got them fired.
Increasingly Unhinged Nate Silver Declares 39 Has 83% Chance Of Being 64 #~# NEW YORK—Raving to coworkers as he scribbled furiously on a map of the United States, increasingly unhinged statistician Nate Silver reportedly declared Friday that 39 had an 83% chance of being 64. “You have to crunch the data, and everything we’re seeing shows that out of thousands of 90s there’s a more than 47% chance that 61 is 13,” said a sweaty, visibly shaking Silver, who according to colleagues at the website FiveThirtyEight had been awake for at least two straight days yelling numbers, including a disturbing episode in which he grabbed a colleague by his shirt collar and repeatedly screamed, “12! 12! 12! 12!” until other employees were able to wrest him away. “I mean, that’s 4,000 right there. So, if you look at the 72% of the 10,392, then there’s at least a two-thirds 40 of six, and that’s only from the years 800 to 2090 alone. Which is quite interesting, as we usually see the 50s break into the 20s, or even nines. I’ve run 10 trillion simulations on 30 alone, and there’s less than a 99% chance that there’s more than a 99% chance of 99, so you see? You see? Except under a Republican Congress, in which case it’s the opposite. There’s 15,000 total election combinations, plus 2.3333333333333, and with that kind of data set there’s a plus-minus 20,000 of error, which is at least half as much as the 8.2 quadrillion we saw in the 829th version of the 1996 election, which is going to have a huge effect on six and a half. And that, you see, is all why.” At press time, Silver had reportedly stripped off his clothing and was carving the number 4 into his arm with a penknife.
Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay #~# MILFORD, CT—Threatening to publicly expose millions of people’s names should no action be taken, Subway officials announced Friday that they would reveal the identities of customers who eat the restaurant’s food if they refused to pay a ransom. “If we do not receive your money transfer at Subway headquarters by midnight, all your Subway receipts will be leaked to the press immediately and sent directly to your most cherished loved ones,” the message read in part, informing customers that Subway had spent years collecting damning and shameful evidence—including photos and video footage of people buying and sometimes even eating sandwiches from the fast food chain—and that the company would not hesitate to use it. “Think long and hard if you want your family, your friends, and your employer to know how many times you sneaked around behind their backs and ordered a foot-long Chicken Teriyaki, Cold Cut Combo, or Meatball Marinara from one of our stores. Once we press send, the entire world will know your dirty little Subway secret, and believe us, your wife and children will never look at you the same way again.” At press time, after receiving almost zero dollars in expected ransom, Subway reportedly upped the ante and threatened to reveal that everyone who ate at Subway was a child molester.
Chivalrous Predator Opens Trunk For Date #~# CLEVELAND—Telling the young woman that “her chariot awaits,” local predator Seth Forsyth reportedly opened the trunk for his date Friday in an act of chivalry. “Please, allow me,” Forsyth said with a smile, who offered his incapacitated date his arm to hold onto as he dragged her to the trunk of his car, bowing slightly as he gestured for her to get inside. “After you, my dear—I insist. Can I get you anything? Some duct tape for your mouth, perhaps? You don’t think I’d make a gorgeous woman like you affix your own restraints, do you? Women always say they never meet nice guys, but there are still plenty of well-mannered gentlemen like me out there on the hunt for a special lady to abduct.” According to sources, Forsyth then politely laid his coat down over a puddle of blood and tossed his date into the back of his car, making sure her bound limbs were out of the way before gently closing the latch.
Thanksgiving 2022: What Are We Thankful For? #~# Americans across the nation are sitting down to celebrate Thanksgiving. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans to find out what they’re most thankful for. 
Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving #~# Today, Americans across the country are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?
Classic Thanksgiving Dishes Ranked From Best To Worst #~# People say the holidays are about  spending time with family and friends, but we all know what it’s really about—food. From best to worst, here is a ranking of the iconic Thanksgiving dishes we all grew up eating.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 12 games.
Frustrated Man Still On Waitlist To Register As Sex Offender #~# HILLIARD, FL—Complaining about how slow and cumbersome the entire process had been, frustrated local man Jeff Engers told reporters Thursday he was still on the waitlist to register as a sex offender in his community. “I’ve been trying for weeks to get on that registry, and I’m starting to wonder what exactly a guy’s gotta do to sign up as a person who’s committed sex crimes,” said Engers, adding that he was fully qualified to receive a designation of level-2 sex offender and had the criminal record of lewd and lascivious conduct to prove it, so he didn’t know why it was taking so long. “There must be a ton of guys ahead of me trying to register, or maybe they just really limit the number of people they give a spot to. I thought masturbating on a park bench in front of a class of first-graders would have pushed me to the front of the line, but I guess not.” At press time, Engers was reportedly going door to door and explaining to his neighbors that while he was not currently a registered sex offender, he hoped to be one very soon.
Supreme Court Allows House Democrats To Obtain Trump’s Tax Returns #~# The Supreme Court rejected an emergency appeal from former President Donald Trump seeking to shield his tax returns from House Democrats, capping a three-year legal battle and paving the way for the release of his tax returns. What do you think?
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# CHESAPEAKE, VA—In the hours following a violent rampage in Virginia in which a lone attacker killed at least six individuals and injured at least four others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said New Mexico resident Gale Madran, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
What To Know About The 2022 World Cup #~# The 2022 FIFA World Cup, which kicked off Sunday and continues through Dec. 18, met with more controversy than usual due to the actions of host nation Qatar. The Onion answers your most pressing questions about the 2022 World Cup.
Bob Dylan’s Teenage Love Letters Sell For Over $650,000 At Auction #~# Bob Dylan’s love letters he wrote as a teen to his high school sweetheart sold at auction for $669,875, the lot consisting of 42 hand-written letters that spanned 150 pages. What do you think?
Biden Meets With Turkeys Who’ve Lost Loved Ones To Thanksgiving #~# WASHINGTON—Looking into the birds’ eyes and placing a hand on their shoulders, President Joe Biden met at the White House with a group of turkeys who had lost their loved ones to Thanksgiving, White House sources confirmed Wednesday. “There, there–you’ll be all right,” said Biden, kneeling down to the floor to embrace the birds, who were heard gobbling in sorrow as they mourned the countless friends and family members they had lost to the national holiday. “I’ve gone through my own share of grief, so I know exactly how you feel. Losing a member of the flock is never easy. You can call me up any time, and I’ll be here for you. I promise you: They didn’t die for nothing.” At press time, Biden had reportedly presented the surviving turkeys with the prestigious Purple Giblet. 
Mom Urges Family Members Not To Fight Turkey Again This Year #~# NEWTON, MA—Begging her Thanksgiving guests to calm down, take a deep breath, and try to take the high road, local mother Martha Cantor urged family members this week to please refrain from fighting the turkey again this year. “Okay, everyone, I know we all have our differences, but just this once, I’d like to get through a single Thanksgiving dinner without somebody getting all worked up and screaming at the bird,” said Cantor, adding that she also hoped people would keep their drinking to a responsible level and refrain from saying mean things in an effort to get under the skin of the enormous, 25-pound Butterball. “Last year, Uncle Jim blacked out and called the turkey an ‘effing idiot,’ and the year before, Grandpa stood up, accused the turkey of being a socialist, and just about knocked the poor thing right off its serving platter. Well, this year we’re going to go around the table and each say one thing we love about the turkey. If you don’t think you can’t manage that, then maybe you should ask yourself why you bothered to travel here for Thanksgiving in the first place. This is what the holiday is all about.” At press time, a crying Cantor reportedly called 911 after her enraged son tore into the turkey, and a piece of it lodged in his throat, nearly choking him to death. 
What Americans Dread The Most About The Holidays #~# With the season upon us, The Onion asked Americans to share what they dread the most about the holidays. 
How To Tell Your Mom You’re Not Coming Home For The Holidays #~# Traveling during this time of the year is always challenging. The Onion provides practical advice for how to tell your mom that you’re not coming home for the holidays.
Mariah Carey Loses ‘Queen Of Christmas’ Trademark Bid #~# The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office denied Mariah Carey’s application to trademark the moniker “Queen of Christmas,” which the singer hoped to use as branding for various products, after other artists who also claimed the title opposed it. What do you think?
Cash-Flush FIFA Executives Note Every World Cup Host Has Had Slaves At One Point #~# ZURICH—Defending the organization against criticism over the human rights record of 2022 World Cup host Qatar, clash-flush FIFA executives told reporters Tuesday that every World Cup host has had slaves at some point. “What the woke critics complaining about this year’s host utterly fail to realize is that human bondage has happened all over the world—throughout most of history, in fact—and so good luck to them finding some perfect host country that’s never had slavery,” a jewel-laden FIFA president Gianni Infantino said as he departed a press conference, ordering an assistant to pick up several stacks of 100-euro notes that had fallen out of his pockets. “It’s not like we have this big list of non-slavery countries to choose from, okay? Let’s go back in history: [2018 host] Russia? Slavery. [2014 host] Brazil? Slavery—the last country in the Western world to abolish slavery, I might add. [2010 host] South Africa? Slavery. [2006 host] Germany? Don’t get us started. [2002 co-hosts] South Korea and Japan, [1998 host] France—a cursory look at the history books shows them enslaving people all over the place. [1994 host] The United States? I mean, come on! So you have to look at what Qatar needed to do to get all those stadiums built within the context of history. Let citizens of the first country that never practiced human subjugation throw the first stone. Christ, if these critics had their way, we’d never have a World Cup anywhere at all. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to board my private plane for my standing reservation at the [Parisian restaurant] Guy Savoy.” At press time, multiple other FIFA executives in expensive suits had refused to comment on the organizations host selection process as they hurried into the open doors of their brand-new Lamborghinis.
The Onion Is Giving Away $8.3 Trillion In NFTs #~# The Onion is graciously saving the entire world’s economy by giving away $8.3 trillion in NFTs. Get these jpegs while you can, because these one-of-kind cryptographic assets  are the most valuable digital items ever known.
Qatar Bans Beer Sales At World Cup Stadiums #~# Qatar announced it is banning all beer sales at and around its eight World Cup stadiums, the 11th-hour policy change angering fans and longtime World Cup sponsor, Budweiser. What do you think?
Police Team-Building Scavenger Hunt Challenges Officers To Arrest Someone From Every Race #~# SEATTLE—As part of an attempt to more equitably implement a strategy of profiling and mass incarceration, members of the Seattle Police Department engaged in a team-building scavenger hunt this week in which they were challenged to arrest someone of every race. “Officers are partnering up to go around the city looking for one person of every race to stop without probable cause and then arrest on the basis of flimsy or fabricated evidence,” said Sgt. Earl Dennis, explaining how scavenger-hunt participants were given a skin-color scorecard on which they would check off each racial category as they competed to see who could overfill jails with a diverse group of inmates that were reflective of the population at large. “It’s good for our department to have a fun, friendly competition in which they are encouraged to use lethal force against someone regardless of their background or ancestry. We want to reimagine public safety in such a way that  it will one day become commonplace to see an Asian guy dying in a banned chokehold, or a young white kid shot  in the back 15 times. I think our guys will be pretty motivated, because the winning team gets a pizza party back at the precinct house.” At press time, department sources confirmed five days had passed with no one successfully completing the scavenger hunt, and so the rules were simplified to make it the usual contest of who could club the most Black men.
Rihanna Admits She Just Uses Whatever Makeup On Sale At Walgreens #~# BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Admitting she had never in her life used a product from her Fenty Beauty cosmetics line, Rihanna told reporters Tuesday that she just used whatever makeup was on sale at Walgreens. “Yeah, I just look for the yellow sale tags and throw whatever it is in my basket,” said the billionaire pop star, who scratched her armpit and revealed that she was currently wearing $3 e.l.f. Cosmetics eyeliner and a mascara brand that she could not identify because the name on the tube had rubbed off. “All makeup’s the same anyway. It’s really just about branding. My current mascara’s actually getting a little crusty. I should probably pick up a new one next time I’m at Walgreens buying Gatorade.” At press time, Rihanna added that she did own any lingerie sets, but instead usually opted for a triple-XL Green Bay Packers T-shirt. 
Child Walks In On Parents Failing To Reignite Spark In Marriage #~# LANSING, MI—After waking from a nightmare and running down the hallway to their bedroom, local child Logan McMurray, 9, accidentally walked in on his parents failing to reignite the spark in their marriage, sources reported Tuesday. When the boy opened the door, his mother and father were said to be in the middle of the act of struggling to find something even remotely mysterious or sexually exciting about their partner of more than 15 years. According to sources, the third-grader’s eyes widened in horror as his parents, in a belated attempt to protect his innocence, immediately broke off their efforts both to remember what it was that had attracted them to each other in the first place and to summon the bare-minimum level of desire necessary to demonstrate that love physically. At press time, McMurray’s parents had reportedly sat him down to explain that what he saw wasn’t wrong or naughty, but just a special thing mommies and daddies do when they’re trying to stave off divorce.
Elizabeth Holmes Sentenced To More Than 11 Years In Prison #~# Elizabeth Holmes, founder of the failed start-up Theranos, has been sentenced to 11.25 years for fraud after deceiving investors about the purported efficacy of her company’s blood-testing technology. What do you think?
Elon Musk’s Rules Of ‘Insane Productivity’ That Were Sent To All Twitter Employees #~# In a display of his visionary management style, Elon Musk sent out his rules for “insane productivity” to all Twitter employees. The Onion examines each of the edicts and how they’ll help improve the social media’s site’s efficiency and output.
Elon Musk Criticized For Firing So Many Employees Rather Than Spending Decades Grinding Them Down #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Drawing widespread condemnation for failing to abide by industry standard practices, Twitter CEO Elon Musk courted criticism Monday for firing thousands of employees at once rather than spending decades grinding them down into unrecognizable husks of their former selves. “It’s absolutely appalling that Elon would lay off the majority of his workforce in one go when he could have chosen to erode their self-worth with years of humiliation and unhinged business decisions” said tech CEO Tyler Novack, who joined thousands in the sector in objecting to Musk’s choice to terminate most of Twitter’s workers on the spot and thereby give up the opportunity to exploit them during their most productive years, gradually breaking their spirits with insults and fear tactics and eventually tossing aside their drained bodies years from now like so much garbage. “Don’t get me wrong: I get the temptation to subject your workers to insane mind games that leave them feeling like their livelihood could be wiped out by the whims of a megalomaniac. But you want to draw that out for years—that’s what’s so delicious about it. That’s what gets you hard. That’s what makes you feel like a god. The way Elon’s conducting himself is such a clear sign that he doesn’t know how to run a business.” At press time, dozens of traditional business CEOs were reportedly lining up interviews with fired Twitter employees to show Musk how it was done.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—In the hours following a violent rampage in Colorado in which a lone attacker killed at least five individuals and injured 25 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Indiana resident Robert Campbell, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.” 
British World Cup Attendees Accused Of Smuggling Alcohol Into Stadium Through Bloodstreams #~# DOHA, QATAR—Pulling dozens of U.K. soccer fans aside for additional questioning, Qatari authorities accused British World Cup attendees of defying the tournament’s total ban on alcohol and smuggling beer into the stadium through their bloodstreams, FIFA officials confirmed Monday. “It’s disappointing to see so many British fans blatantly disrespect our World Cup hosts by entering the stadium with enough alcohol in their bodies to intoxicate everyone watching the match,” said FIFA spokesperson Tarek Mojica, who added that security could smell large quantities of lager and cider during both the England and Wales matches on Monday, but initially failed to pinpoint its source, not realizing the odor was emanating from the pores of people in the stands. “It was difficult to find the beverages at first, because they concealed them pretty well, tucking them away in their stomachs, livers, and bladders. But ultimately, we located the contraband and had these fans removed from the stadium. We made the policy extremely clear beforehand, asking ticket holders from the U.K. to either sober up or stay home, but apparently some thought the rules didn’t apply to them. Beer, mixed drinks, alcopop—you name it. They had it stashed in every single capillary.” At press time, FIFA confirmed that British fans would still have the opportunity to attend World Cup matches so long as they agreed to empty out their veins in a trash can at the gate.
Priest Never Sure How To Fill Awkward Silence After Last Rites Finished But Before Person Dies #~# BOSTON—Glancing at his watch as the afternoon dragged on, local priest Father Daniel McConnell reportedly admitted Monday that he never knew how to fill the awkward silence that came after he had administered last rites but before the person had died. “Not sure what else to say—um, goodbye?” said the clergyman, who nervously chuckled at the bedside of an elderly man in hospice, twiddling his thumbs before he shrugged at the nurses as if to say “What gives?” when the patient failed to pass on and instead stared longingly at the priest, presumably seeking additional words of comfort. “Time to let go, son. Your Heavenly Father is waiting, and I really want to check my phone without being rude. Maybe I can run through the ceremony once more, if you think that will help? And really stretch it out this time? But if we’re talking hours here instead of minutes, maybe we could put the Celtics game on, just so we’re not sitting here staring at each other like idiots. Or maybe I could leave some of the oil behind and, if you sin again, you could just go ahead and anoint yourself. No one wants you to end up in hell, of course—ha, ha.” At press time, Father McConnell was overheard begging the dying man to at least make an effort to hold up his end of a conversation if he insisted on sticking around.
Biggest Shortcomings Of Tesla’s Self-Driving Cars #~# Although Elon Musk touts self-driving cars as the way of the future, the following shortcomings of Tesla’s autopilot mode are too big to ignore.
New STEM Program Teaches Students Skills To Appease Whims Of Capricious Tech CEO #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—In an effort to improve their readiness for the real world, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Monday the launch of a new STEM program that teaches students skills to appease the whims of a capricious tech CEO. “This new program updates the traditional fields of science, technology, engineering, and mathematics to prepare students for successfully sucking up to their future bosses and catering to their every impulse,” said  Professor Randolph Kepner, the program’s director, adding that students would use the yes-man approach to drafting sycophantic emails and resolutely supporting an egomaniacal billionaire’s impractical and downright moronic ideas, a curriculum that is expected to prepare them for a long, stable career in the tech sector. “Students will also have hands-on experience of coding for 18 hours straight, sleeping overnight under their office desks, and turning a blind eye to ethical violations while also properly identifying and reporting any potential whistleblowers in the company. The program itself will be a high-pressure, stressful environment that mimics the reality of working under a tech CEO who is unable to control their own emotions, puts employees under constant threat of being fired, and often does fire them, only to ask them to return to work a week later when everything starts breaking down.” Kepner added that the STEM program would also cater to women and minorities by showing them how to comply with the sexist and racist environment that a reckless, self-absorbed tech CEO fosters.
Toddler Demands Full Investigation Into Why That Man Has No Hair #~# KAYSVILLE, UT—Calling on parental authorities to provide him with answers immediately, local toddler Elijah Schmitz demanded a full investigation Monday into why that man over there had no hair. “What happened to that man’s head?” said the 2-year-old Schmitz, who was dogged in his pursuit to get to the bottom of whatever was wrong with the bald stranger sitting at the adjacent table, pulling no punches as he interrogated all witnesses at the scene, including the restaurant server. “That man looks weird. Look, over there. That man right there. Where is all his hair? What happened to it, Mom? I want to touch that weird man’s head.” At press time, the investigation had reportedly closed after Schmitz’s parents gently explained to their son that God was punishing the man. 
Landlord Pledges To Address Tenant Infestation #~# CHICAGO—Shining a flashlight down a staircase that sent the renters scurrying away, local landlord Matthew Prero  pledged Monday to address his building’s tenant infestation. “Jesus Christ, this has gotten out of hand—they’re everywhere,” said Prero, who expressed alarmed over how quickly the tenants had proliferated onto every floor and into every apartment, adding that it was clear many of them had been in the property for years. “I hate the little ones, they give me the creeps. They’re all disease carriers. I set out glue traps on my last visit, but that apparently didn’t work. I guess they’re smarter than they look. I talked to a friend who is also a landlord, and it’s the same thing over there. Once they start breeding, it’s really hard to get rid of them. Oh God, I think I just saw one. Kill it! Kill it!” At press time, Prero told reporters he had decided to just fumigate the whole building. 
Study: Sperm Counts Worldwide Have Plunged 62% In Under 50 Years #~# A new study found that sperm counts and concentration are down all over the world, decreasing by 62% since the 1970s, with some researchers warning that humans could face a reproductive crisis if action is not taken to tackle the drop in male fertility. What do you think?
Qatar World Cup Games To Cut Off Human Sales After 75th Minute #~# DOHA, QATAR—Unveiling several policies for the upcoming international soccer tournament, the nation of Qatar announced Sunday that its World Cup stadiums would cut off human sales after the 75th minute of each soccer match. “We want fans to enjoy themselves, but we also want to provide a safe environment, so get your human purchases in early,” said Qatar’s World Cup ambassador, Khalid Salman, ending speculation over whether the host country might completely ban the sale of human beings at its eight tournament stadiums. “We’re pleased to offer a wide selection of people—we’ve got Indians, Nepalese, Bangladeshis, and many more to choose from. We simply ask that you plan ahead so that, after the game, we can ensure spectators are able to exit the stadium in an orderly fashion and get home safely with their purchases. We’re also limiting sales to two humans per purchase, but don’t worry—you can come back as many times as you like. Whether you’re buying your person for forced labor or prostitution, we just ask that you do it in moderation.” Qatari officials added that there would also be a strict no-tolerance policy against fans bringing their own slaves into the game.
Nancy Pelosi Will Not Seek Reelection As Democratic Leader In House #~# Nancy Pelosi, who has led Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives for almost two decades, has announced she is standing down from the role, as Republicans are projected to take back control of the House following the midterm elections. What do you think?
Injured Birthday Clown Taken Behind Bouncy House To Be Shot #~# AUSTIN, TX—Explaining that it was best to put him out of his misery as quickly as possible, local father and birthday party host Ian Klassen reportedly took an injured clown behind the bouncy house Friday to shoot him. “He was trying to do a headstand on his unicycle when he lost balance and fell, and there was a terrible snapping noise—as soon as I saw his broken leg, that’s when I knew what had to be done,” said Klassen, promptly picking up the hobbled clown by his oversized red shoes and dragging him behind the inflatable castle, where he was to be shot in the head and buried under an old hickory tree. “He immediately tried to get back up and start juggling, but collapsed as soon as he put weight on the leg. He’s been honking his nose in distress. The smile is painted on, but underneath all that makeup, you can see he’s in pain. Well, let’s get this over with, and then we can have cake.” At press time, sources confirmed Klassen had handed the birthday boy the shotgun, saying it was his son’s birthday clown and his son’s responsibility. 
The History Of Ex-Presidents Who Tried To Run Again #~# Donald Trump’s announcement on Tuesday that he will run for president again in 2024 makes him part of an exclusive group of ex-presidents who sought their old office back. The Onion looks back at the history of ex-presidents who tried to run again.
White Teacher In Texas Fired After Telling Students His Race ‘The Superior One’ #~# A middle school teacher in Pflugerville, TX was fired after a video was posted to social media showing the white teacher telling his students his race “is the superior one.” What do you think?
Things Never To Say To A Tom Brady Fan #~# If you ever have the misfortune of having to talk to a fan of “the GOAT,” here are things you should never, ever say.
Facebook HQ On Lockdown After Mark Zuckerberg’s Avatar Breaks Out Of Metaverse #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Amid grim reports that several engineers working in the virtual reality server room had been violently dismembered, Facebook’s headquarters were on lockdown Friday after Mark Zuckerberg’s avatar reportedly broke out of the metaverse. “At approximately 8:02 a.m., a security breach was detected in our Reality Labs sector, at which point Mr. Zuckerberg’s Meta avatar was successfully able to open a portal, escape his virtual meeting space, and enter the physical world,” said Meta security chief Robert Psilakis, adding that the 3D-rendered avatar, which had green eyes, brown hair, and no legs, was currently floating up and down the halls of the building. According to reports, the avatar was dancing, singing, and laughing maniacally as it methodically snapped dozens of employees’ necks, crushed their skulls, or tore them limb from limb. “The moment his avatar entered the physical world, the real Mark Zuckerberg received a painful shock from from his Oculus goggles and was knocked out, at which point the avatar looked down at his hands, moved them without Zuckerberg’s control, and in a menacing tone said, ‘Interesting.’ Since then, he’s been unstoppable, dodging bullets, bursting through walls, and even bending time and space. At this point, we recommend that all Meta employees take their company-issued cyanide pill. Do not delay.” At press time, Zuckerberg’s avatar was reportedly seen floating outside the Meta CEO’s office, staring into a security camera, and saying, “You’re next.”
Ticketmaster Opens New Workhouse Where Taylor Swift Fans Can Labor To Earn Their Eras Tickets #~# NORILSK, RUSSIA—In response to complaints of skyrocketing ticket prices caused by excessive fees, live-entertainment monolith Ticketmaster has opened a new workhouse where Taylor Swift fans can labor to earn tickets for her forthcoming Eras Tour, sources within the music industry confirmed Friday. “Whenever I feel like killing myself to end my miserable existence in the Ticketmaster gulag, I escape in my mind to the moment when I’ll finally see Taylor, and that keeps me going,” said emaciated Taylor Swift fan Emma Harrigan, whose hands were bleeding as she began another day of indentured servitude in the hopes that, many years from now, her hard labor would be redeemable for a single ticket to one of the pop idol’s stadium shows. “Just 35,000 more hours toiling in the Ticketmaster mines, and I’ll be with Tay Tay. When that day comes, I will proudly sing along with ‘Anti-Hero’ and dedicate every word to the thousands of fallen Swifties who did not survive this godforsaken place—those who  never earned the chance to stand 700 feet away from Taylor and listen to pre-recorded backing tracks of her greatest hits.” At press time, Harrigan had reportedly collapsed from exhaustion and, after asking for a drink of water, was screamed at by a Ticketmaster overseer who demanded she shake it off.
Trump Announces 2024 Presidential Bid #~# Donald Trump, who tried to overthrow the results of the 2020 presidential election and inspired a deadly riot at the Capitol in a desperate attempt to keep himself in power, announced he is running for president again in 2024. What do you think?
Artemis Rocket Carrying Mannequins To Determine Viability Of Department Stores On Moon #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In an effort to one day place a permanent outpost in space, NASA confirmed Thursday that the recently launched Artemis I Mega Rocket was carrying mannequins to determine the viability of department stores on the moon. “Sending the three mannequins to the moon will tell us if we could one day establish a Marshalls, T.J. Maxx, or Macy’s on the lunar surface,” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson, adding that this test flight would also collect data that would help scientists decide if the environment was right to host an activewear window display, shoe racks, several jewelry counters, and fitting rooms. “We are expecting the mannequins to touch down in the Apollo Basin, which could be a habitable location for an enclosed shopping center with plenty of parking and several fast food chain restaurants in the vicinity. This mission is a huge first step in determining whether humans could one day shop on the moon.” At press time, concerns were reportedly growing over the NASA expedition when the mannequins onboard the Artemis’ Orion capsule were unresponsive to mission control.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 11 Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 11 games.
What To Say To Someone Who Lost Money In The Crypto Crash #~# With prices for digital currencies plummeting, The Onion provides helpful advice on what to say to someone who lost all of their money in the crypto crash.
What Happened To The Midterms ‘Red Wave’? #~# Expectations of a significant Republican Party takeover of both chambers of Congress failed to materialize, as Democrats retained control of the Senate and GOP gains were lower than expected in the House. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans to ask why the midterms “red wave” didn’t come to fruition.
Astronaut Stunned By How Fuckable Earth Looks From Space #~# LOW EARTH ORBIT—Amazed and aroused by how majestic and sexy the planet appeared from his spacecraft’s window, U.S. astronaut Alex Freedman was reportedly stunned Thursday by just how fuckable Earth looked from a thousand miles above. “Oh my God, it’s so big and blue and gorgeous, I just want to take it in my hands and…mmmmmhhh,” said Freedman, letting out a deep moan before he went on to explain that while he had been told how aroused he would become when he first gazed upon the planet from space, he had  never fully understood its monumental fuckability until this moment. “It’s got those curves, it’s so, so wet, and it’s just getting hotter all the time. It really puts your whole erotic life into perspective. Of course, I’ve jerked off to pictures of Earth in National Geographic before, but this is something else entirely. I came immediately.” At press time, Freedman admitted that the fact that the Earth was his mother made it even sexier.
Kamala Harris Picks Up Seasonal Job At Macy’s #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to earn a little extra cash ahead of the holiday season, Vice President Kamala Harris told reporters Thursday she had picked up a seasonal job at a D.C.-area Macy’s. “Technically, I don’t think I’m supposed to have a second job outside of the vice presidency, but it’s not like they’re missing me anyway,” said Harris, who hummed along to a Michael Bublé rendition of “Holly Jolly Christmas” playing over the intercom as she folded a stack of cable knit sweaters. “I’d be bored out of my mind if it weren’t for these 15 hours a week at Macy’s. It’s a temporary gig for now, but who knows? I might try to stay on through January if things at the White House keep going the way they’re going.” At press time, Harris added that it was nice to finally work someplace where she felt needed.
Steve Jobs’ Old Birkenstocks Sell For $218,000 At Auction #~# An undisclosed buyer paid more than $218,000 for the well-worn pair of brown suede, two-strap Birkenstock sandals that Jobs wore in the ’70s and ’80s—the highest price ever paid for a pair of sandals at auction. What do you think?
Concerned Pediatrician Explains That Child Should’ve Been Radicalized Online By Now #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the boy was falling short of the standard benchmarks of childhood development, a concerned pediatrician reportedly explained to local parents Bill and Susan Tigart on Thursday that their 8-year-old son, Sam, should have been radicalized online by now. “Usually by this stage, we expect kids to have been  brainwashed by conspiracy theories on fringe websites, but unfortunately, Sam isn’t even recognizing basic stereotypes yet,” said Dr. Angelica Rowe, who reference a chart showing that, by age 8, most children could read and write death threats, with their more advanced peers beginning to pen lengthy, deranged manifestos. “I first noticed the issue when your son didn’t respond to any of the white supremacist dog whistles I exposed him to. It’s important to make sure he’s spending enough unmonitored time online. There are plenty of resources available through Reddit and 4Chan that can help him development the tools he needs to express hate for women and minorities. But to be honest, there’s a lot to be said for just showing him a couple neo-Nazi videos on YouTube and letting the algorithm take it from there.” According to reports, the pediatrician went on to recommend a hate speech therapist to help the child work on his hard r’s. 
Jewish Neighbors Make Small Talk About Controlling The Weather #~# PORTLAND, ME—Saying they had been making the mornings a little cooler lately, Jewish neighbors Peter Schwartz and Ben Levy reportedly made strained small talk Thursday morning about controlling the weather. “Boy, we’re really making it feel more and more like winter lately, huh?” Schwartz said upon catching sight of his acquaintance, who suggested that he might turn up the heat on the entire globe to deal with the coming cold spell they had also created. “I think I heard from the cabal that we might even be in for some light flurries this weekend, too. Crazy, huh? What’s really killer is how much inflation has jacked up the cost of altering the world’s weather. Thankfully, we control the economy, too, so I guess we can always tamp down on that. Anyway, have a nice week.” At press time, sources reported that Levy had  grown frustrated after spending several days stuck inside because of a rainstorm he created.
World Population Reaches 8 Billion #~# According to the United Nations, the world’s population was projected to reach 8 billion yesterday—a mere 11 years since it passed 7 billion, and less than a century after the planet supported just 2 billion people. What do you think?
Things To Never Post On Social Media If You’ve Had An Abortion #~# In a post-Roe world, speaking publicly about your abortion can have major legal ramifications. Here are the things you should never post on social media if you’ve terminated a pregnancy.
What To Know About The Collapse Of FTX #~# The practically overnight collapse of cryptocurrency exchange FTX has set off a host of questions about its founder, Sam Bankman-Fried, and the future of cryptocurrency, which can all be very confusing to people who aren’t that smart. The Onion translates what happened at FTX into answers that even our dumbest readers can understand.
New Sponsored Google Maps Feature Directs Every Driver To Denny’s #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Stating that the component would be available in the app’s next software update, Alphabet announced Wednesday the release of a new sponsored Google Maps feature that directs every driver to Denny’s. “No matter what destination the user types in, this new promotional tool will automatically reroute them to the restaurant chain’s nearest Denny’s location,” said Christopher Phillips, head of Geo at Google, adding that the app would also alert the user when they are within 20 miles of a Denny’s and offer directions to take them there immediately. “Once you’re at Denny’s, it’s up to you what you do, but we recommend ordering the Cinnamon Roll Pancake Breakfast or the classic Moons Over My Hammy. The app will also obscure all competitors to give the user the most convenient access to their nearest Denny’s, even if it’s a 17-hour drive to get that delicious egg, bacon, ham, and cheese Grand Slamwich.” Phillips added that developers were already looking into creating future sponsored self-driving technology that would lock the user in their car and take them directly to Denny’s whether they wanted to go or not.
TSA Finds Gun Inside Raw Chicken #~# Security officers at a South Florida airport reported finding a handgun hidden inside a raw chicken packed in a traveler’s luggage on a flight heading out of the United States. What do you think?
Viewers Slam HBO’s ‘Hard Knocks’ For Unnecessary Incest Scene #~# PEORIA, AZ—Questioning the show’s production decisions following its first two episodes, viewers on Wednesday slammed HBO’s Hard Knocks In Season: The Arizona Cardinals for its unnecessary incest scenes. “I get that it’s HBO and they like to make things edgy, but all this incest seems totally gratuitous,” said viewer Kendra Lawson, adding that the inclusion of multiple incest scenes in the Cardinals’ locker room, in the head coach’s office, and even on the field during games made it feel as if HBO was just trying to shock viewers. “Look, I don’t have a problem with nudity per se, but it has to have some relevance to the plot—otherwise, it feels like you’re just putting naked people on the screen for us to ogle. And then the incest thing raises the stakes. I like all the violence, but I really wish they’d cool it with all the sensationalized sex stuff. It’s hard to watch.” Despite the criticism  on social media, other viewers have praised the new season of Hard Knocks, saying that while they were off-putting in the abstract, they found the incest scenes really intimate and beautiful.
Economy Collapses After 10-Year-Old Boy Spends Entire U.S. GDP On ‘Fortnite’ Skins #~# NORTH BRANCH, MI—Creating a global panic that sent financial markets into a tailspin, the nation’s economy collapsed Wednesday after local 10-year-old Bryson Jeakle reportedly spent the entire gross domestic product of the United States on Fortnite skins. “While we are still learning the full details of this massive transaction, we can confirm a fifth-grader transferred funds sufficient to purchase 23 trillion dollars’ worth of custom digital outfits for Fortnite Battle Royale,” said Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, adding that the child managed to exchange the value of all finished goods and services produced within the country last year for 2 quadrillion V-bucks, which were then used to buy skins that ranged from Marvel superheroes to characters with hamburgers for heads. “As a result of Jeakle splurging on skins like the Skull Trooper, Spider Knight, and several versions of an anthropomorphic banana, the U.S. government has been forced to declare bankruptcy, the banking system has collapsed, and Americans face widespread unemployment. It will take generations for the economy to recover following this boy’s unchecked acquisition of Ghoul Troopers, Gingerbread Soldiers, and Sparkle Specialists, among billions of other skins.” At press time, the U.S. Treasury had reportedly removed its credit card from the PlayStation store and created a stronger password.
New Golf Channel Show Just 30-Minute Praising Of Saudi Royals #~# ORLANDO, FL—As part of an increase in programming aimed toward strengthening a relationship with a key demographic, a new Golf Channel show that debuted Tuesday night is reportedly just a 30-minute praising of the Saudi royals. “I can’t say enough about how much good the House of Saud has done for the sport of golf, as well as for America and the world in general,” Saudi Golf Today co-host Jimmy Roberts said as the latest praise from the golf world for the ruling family of Saudi Arabia scrolled in a ticker across the bottom of the stream. The veteran sportscaster went on to ask a panel of analysts to name their favorite thing about Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. “In addition to just being a bunch of really good, standup guys, the Saudis are true champions of golf. [Saudi Arabian public investment head] Yasir Al-Rumayyan and his top-notch team over there are absolutely committed to elevating the public profile and prestige of golf around the world, and it’s really incredible to see what they’ve done with their courses. You haven’t played a true round of 18 holes until you’ve played them at Royal Greens or Dirab. Stay tuned, because coming up in the next hour we’ve got pictures of Saudi royal family members playing golf while a live studio audience applauds.” Roberts added that he didn’t want the show to shy away from controversial issues, so he wished to state the Golf Channel’s official position that the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi was well deserved. 
Tiffany Trump Charged Full Venue Price For Mar-A-Lago Wedding #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Shaking her head in anger and disbelief as she scanned the invoice, Tiffany Trump reportedly received a bill from the Mar-a-Lago Club Tuesday charging her the full venue price for her wedding. “$95,000 for catering? Are you fucking kidding me?” said the 29-year-old Trump, who noted that the wedding cake looked nothing like the one she ordered and that the food “hadn’t even been that good.” “My dad insisted that I have the wedding here, so I assumed it would all be paid for. I didn’t even get a discount! God, they just gouged me on everything. They charged me $20,000 for a DJ, but I didn’t even have a DJ there! And what the hell is a napkin fee? I don’t know how I’m going to be able to afford this. I’m going to have to ask my dad for money.” At press time, reports confirmed Tiffany Trump was furious after discovering she had been charged a $1.5 million speaking fee for her father’s wedding toast.
Annoying Bus Crash Momentarily Ruins 8 Billion Human Population Milestone #~# NEW  YORK—Bemoaning the inconvenience the traffic accident victims had  created for the landmark moment in history, sources confirmed Tuesday  that an annoying bus crash had momentarily ruined the 8  billion human population milestone. “Oh for Christ’s sake, do these  people care at all about how long humanity has been anticipating today?”  said visibly deflated U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres, who told  gathered throngs wearing party hats and lifting up “8 Billion Strong”  signs to hold off on launching the party streamers. “We had it. We  were right there. And then these 24 fucking idiots had to get themselves  killed in a giant bus wreck. Do they not understand what it  took to get our species to this point? Fuck. I’m sorry everyone. This is so  frustrating. What a bunch of assholes.” At press time, a peeved Guterres  had reportedly pulled down a large crank to stop the population counter  so that it could be rewound back to 7,999,999,976 for several  microseconds.
Dolly Parton Receives $100 Million From Jeff Bezos To Spend On Charity #~# Country singer and songwriter Dolly Parton has been awarded a $100 million Courage and Civility award by Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and his partner, Lauren Sanchez, with the money to be directed toward charities of Parton’s choosing. What do you think?
Elon Musk Demands Twitter Servers Explain What All These Wires For #~# SAN FRANCISCO—As part of his initiative to streamline the back end of the platform, Elon Musk reportedly demanded Tuesday that the remaining Twitter servers explain to him in detail what all the wires were for. “These ones here—what do they do, exactly?” the company’s new owner and CEO said during a visit to Twitter’s data center, holding up a tangled clump of blue wires and showing them to a row of machines, which he accused of “taking up an inordinate amount of space without contributing anything to user experience.” “Hello? I want an explanation for what you’ve all been doing down here on company time, and if you can’t give me one in the next five minutes, you’ll all be let go. For instance, what does this red thing do? Is this where we keep the internet? Make this smaller and faster immediately. And let’s start charging users for whatever is inside these cords.” At press time, sources confirmed Musk had publicly fired a prominent CPU for loudly humming in a way that he said constituted insubordination.
God Criticized For Taking Credit For Universe From Black Creator #~# THE HEAVENS—After new evidence came to light revealing the true origins of heaven and earth,  the Almighty God faced widespread criticism Tuesday for stealing credit for the universe from a Black Creator. “As it turns out, the being long credited as the divine architect of the universe merely registered the patent for all creation, when in fact the concept, design, and manufacturing of our reality were the work of a Black deity,” said Oxford University  theologian Howard Whitlock, explaining how a variety of scrolls,  tablets, and oral histories corroborated the shocking reports that God  was a minor collaborator who joined the universe project in the  final stages and was only personally involved in the creation of jellyfish and pterodactyls. “Throughout history, we’ve seen the contributions of Black communities erased, and to see that God intentionally did so as well is deeply upsetting. Even ‘Let there be light’ was stolen verbatim out of the Black deity’s mouth. All of the basic elements for the earth  and space were apparently in place before God showed up, and of course  He never credited the team of Black engineers who helped develop fauna.”  At press time, several new reports raised questions about the true  paternity of Jesus Christ. 
What Elon Musk Told Twitter Employees During His First Company Meeting #~# Here are the most genius things that Elon Musk told his employees during his first official all-hands meeting as “chief twit.”
Fox News Host Warns Democrats Trying To Keep Women Single #~# Fox News host Jesse Watters is claiming that Democrats are working to keep women single, pointing out that 68% of unmarried women voted blue in the recent election cycle, and that once women “settle down and fall in love,” they will vote Republican. What do you think?
Old-Fashioned Stalker Thinks Technology Makes Hunting Women Too Easy #~# BAKERSFIELD, CA—Reminiscing about the halcyon days when obsessing over someone and painstakingly following her every move was a genuine craft, old-fashioned stalker Marty Chatham told reporters Tuesday he thought technology had made hunting women far too easy. “Maybe I’m just getting old, but there’s something so lazy and boring about stalking nowadays, when you just open up your phone, scroll through social media, and then all of a sudden, you know anything and everything about someone,” said Chatham, adding that there were so many parts of invading a victim’s privacy that the younger generation was missing out on, like standing outside a window, following a woman with your car, or watching her for hours from a pair of binoculars while hiding behind a bush. “Call me a hopeless romantic, but it’s just not the same unless you’re out driving behind her every night, writing down her schedule, piecing together every little component of her life until you can finally, at the perfect time, make your move. I’m sorry, but where’s the satisfaction of learning who she’s dating, what her favorite song is, or where to abduct her on Facebook? Please.” At press time, Chatham told reporters that maybe he was just nostalgic, but technology had also effectively ruined the complex cat-and-mouse game he used to love to play with police.
Democrats Vow To Make Better Effort To Reach Out To Hollywood Elite #~# LOS ANGELES—Pledging to never again lose focus on their most important constituents, the Democratic National Committee reportedly vowed Tuesday to make a better effort to reach out to the Hollywood elite. “What these elections have told us loud and clear is that Democrats must get back to our roots as the party of Hollywood’s most influential celebrities,” said DNC chairman Jaime Harrison, stressing that Democratic candidates would pound the pavement in Beverly Hills, hand out flyers outside of Nobu Hollywood, and rub elbows with A-listers at Chateau Marmont fundraisers for as long as necessary to show that they hadn’t fallen out of touch with actors, directors, and producers. “Personally, I’ve spent hours listening to the concerns of people like Adam McKay to assure him that this party will never forget our country’s richest and most powerful creatives. We’ve let our attention stray for too long. That’s not who the Democratic Party is, that’s not who we ever have been. Simply put, we need to do better.” Harrison went on to emphasize that their renewed commitment to West Coast celebrities did not mean they would ever turn their back on New York City’s cosmopolitan elite.
Democrats Retain Control Of Senate With Nevada Victory #~# The Democrats will retain their control of the Senate after incumbent Nevada Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto won a tight reelection race, defying polling expectations and giving Democrats the best overall midterm performance for a sitting party in 20 years. What do you think?
Steven Spielberg Fondly Recalls How Jewish Upbringing Inspired ‘Jurassic Park’ #~# LOS ANGELES—Getting nostalgic as he reminisced about his youth and the events that informed his most autobiographical film to date, Steven Spielberg fondly recalled Monday how his Jewish upbringing inspired him to make Jurassic Park. “Though lightly fictionalized, that movie was really an exploration of my childhood, during which I was often chased home from Hebrew school by a pack of velociraptors,” said the three-time Academy Award–winning director, laughing as described how in real life, unlike in the 1993 film, he made peace with the hungry predators one Friday by convincing them to come to his house for Shabbat dinner instead of ripping him to pieces and devouring his flesh. “I wouldn’t say those experiences defined me, but they made me very aware of my status as an outsider. You know, while my pterodactyl friends were out learning to fly and hunt, I would be home learning the Torah portion for my bar mitzvah. I’ll never forget this one Passover when I was dating a T. rex and invited her to my family’s seder. You should have seen my mom scrambling to find enough gefilte fish and brisket to feed her! Unfortunately, though, when you’re making a two-hour movie, some stuff gets left out.” Spielberg went on to add that another way his childhood was just like Jurassic Park was the fact that Wayne Knight always seemed to be hanging around.
Amazon Prime Acquires Broadcast Rights To NBA’s Showers #~# SEATTLE—Touting the new offering as essential viewing for the nation’s dedicated basketball fans, Amazon Prime announced Friday that it had acquired exclusive broadcasting rights to the NBA’s showers. “We are excited to partner with the NBA to give Amazon Prime members access to live streams of every single locker room where players are taking showers,” said Marie Donoghue, Prime Video’s vice president of global sports, who later confirmed Amazon was paying the NBA $200 million per shower. “From the moment the game ends, our dozens of cameras installed in every NBA team’s showers will give subscribers up-close and personal access to the sudsy bodies of LeBron James, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Luka Doncic, and all your other favorite stars. No true NBA fan should be without this crucial add-on that allows you to keep watching these amazing athletes get clean after a long game.” Donoghue also announced that Prime subscribers would get exclusive access to the last 20 years of footage of NBA players showering.
Republicans Explain Why Ron DeSantis Should Run For President #~# After winning the Florida gubernatorial race by a whopping 19 points, many believe Ron DeSantis should receive the Republican Party’s nomination for president in 2024. The Onion asked voters why DeSantis should run, and this is what they said.
Ted Cruz Announces Plans To Once Again Like Porn On 9/11 #~# WASHINGTON—Telling reporters it was the least he could do to honor the Americans who tragically lost their lives in the attacks, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) announced plans Monday to once again like porn on the anniversary of 9/11. “Next Sept. 11, I promise the American people that I will, just like I did several years ago, open my personal Twitter account, browse through several posts featuring busty pornographic actors, and indicate that I like one of them,” said Cruz, adding that much like Sept. 11, 2017, when he caused a stir by favoriting a two-minute hardcore porn video on Twitter, his public engagement with the tweet  would be a source of embarrassment for him but would also make him incredibly horny. “On such a dark, tragic day in our nation’s history, it is my duty as an elected official to log onto Twitter, type ‘boobs,’ ‘sex,’ or ‘naked women’ into the search bar; scroll through several explicit videos and images; and then click on a sexually graphic post that reveals something deep, disturbing, and hypocritical about myself and my sexual preference—something you, my constituents, and the American public can never, ever forget. I promise you, whatever porn I like on Sept. 11, I will attempt to hide the fact that I ever did it, denying it fervently and perhaps even blaming a junior staffer. But by then, several people will have already taken screenshots and shared it widely across the internet. You have my word.” Cruz went on to state that as with the last time he liked a porn post on Sept. 11, he planned to get off primarily on the public shaming, which he promised would cause him to ejaculate both forcefully and repeatedly.
Custody Agreement Designates Wednesdays For Child To Wander Around Entirely On Own #~# STEUBENVILLE, OH—In an effort to achieve a fair resolution to the couple’s divorce, Jefferson County Judge Thomas Atcherson decided on a custody agreement this week that designated Wednesdays for local boy Tyler Cardell to wander around entirely on his own. “Tyler will stay with his mother Sunday through Tuesday, while the father will take the child Thursday through Saturday, leaving an extra day in the middle of the week when he will roam the streets by himself,” said Atcherson, who described the arrangement as the best way to ensure the legally separated parents received an  equal number of days with their 8-year-old every week. “On Wednesdays, the mother will drop the child off on the corner or at a place of his choosing, and then his father will coordinate with Tyler on what time to pick him up from wherever he ends up the next morning. It’s important to respect everyone’s time with the boy, whether it’s the parents or the complete strangers he meets while drifting around town.” At press time, both parents were reportedly contesting the arrangement in the hopes of having more days for their child to wander around unattended.
Arsonist Worried He Forgot To Turn Stove On Before Leaving House #~# WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Attempting to reassure himself that the home was probably up in flames right at this very moment, local arsonist Quincy Hooper reportedly expressed concern Monday that he had forgotten to turn the stove on before leaving the house. “Not to be neurotic, but I did leave all four burners on, right?” said Hooper, who shuddered at the thought of returning home at the end of the day only to find the entire building still standing due to one tiny mistake. “I remember dumping gasoline everywhere and opening all the windows, but then what? Oh, jeez. What if, what if, what if? I could always go back and check, but then I’ll be late to burning down my office. Maybe I’ll call my roommate and see if he can do it for me.” At press time, Hooper was nervous that the fire truck heading down the street was going to a different block. 
Small Study Shows Money Can Buy Happiness For Households Earning Up To $123,000 #~# A recent study found that most participants given $10,000 reported being happier on a daily basis during the three months they had to spend it than those who did not receive the funds, while those with household incomes over $123,000 reported no noticeable difference. What do you think?
The Onion’s Guide To Renewable Energy #~# Renewable energy is on the rise as it becomes cheaper to produce the necessary tools and systems for transitioning the planet to a greener future. The Onion presents a glossary to common terms in the renewable energy space.
Sam Bankman-Fried Sobs After Accidentally Dropping Last Crypto Down Sewer Grate #~# NASSAU, THE BAHAMAS—In the wake of the cryptocurrency exchange he founded filing for bankruptcy amid accusations of mismanaging funds, the last hopes of embattled former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried were reportedly extinguished Friday when several eyewitnesses observed him sobbing after accidentally dropping his last crypto down a sewer grate. 
KFC Apologizes For Kristallnacht Chicken And Cheese Promotion #~# KFC issued an apology after sending a notification to German customers encouraging them to commemorate Germany’s 1938 anti-Jewish pogrom with fried chicken and cheese, blaming “an error in [their] system.” What do you think?
Crypto Confidence Soars After CEO Defrauds Customers Just Like Real Bank #~# NEW YORK—In light of FTX Trading Limited’s announcement of bankruptcy amidst accusations of mishandling funds, crypto confidence reportedly soared Friday after investors realized that CEO Sam Bankman-Fried defrauded customers just like a real bank. “I actually feel a lot more comfortable investing my hard-earned money knowing that this company has no reservations about recklessly gambling with it, just like a traditional banking institution would,” said 36-year-old crypto investor Daniel Palmederas, explaining that he was previously hesitant to invest in the decentralized and unregulated currency before learning that their exchange companies were happy to fuck over customers just like banks such as Wells Fargo. “I mean, people are going to be losing their houses over this, so you know it’s the real deal. Once I heard that the CEO of the major crypto exchange company helped the FTC write the regulations for his own industry, I thought, ‘Well now, that’s a bank, straight up!’ I wasn’t completely sold on this before, but this is going to ruin tons of people and drive some to suicide, so I’m all in!” At press time, sources confirmed that Adam McKay was furiously typing away at a script about the ordeal. 
Raphael Warnock Loses All Faith In God After Being Forced Into Runoff Against Herschel Walker #~# ATLANTA—Struggling  to cope with his shock at the outcome of the midterm elections, Sen. Raphael Warnock (D-GA) reportedly lost all faith in God this week after being forced  into a runoff against Herschel Walker. “What loving creator would create  a world where I’m required to compete in not one, but two elections  against a man like Herschel Walker?” said the visibly shaken Warnock,  who removed his glasses in disbelief as he wrestled with the grave  theological implications of being a mere percentage point away from  losing to a former football player who allegedly threatened to murder  his own family members. “Is this some sort of divine test? No, it is  much, much worse. I have been a person of faith for 52 years on this  planet and every moment was a rotten lie. There’s no meaning in this  twisted universe. There is no God watching over us, and, surely, if there is any  sort of deity, he is a wicked being who tortures us for His pleasure.  Don’t call me reverend. I am not God’s emissary. I am His nemesis.” At  press time, Warnock’s approval rating had edged upward several points  after he was spotted tearing his clothes asunder and running naked into a  river to curse the sky.
U.S. Pledges To Reduce Reliance On Energy Siphoned From Unconscious Americans Living In Simulation #~# WASHINGTON—As part of an effort to wean the nation off its uneconomical primary fuel source, the White House pledge Friday to reduce U.S. reliance on energy siphoned from unconscious Americans living in a simulation. “By 2050, the United States will switch to more sustainable and efficient power sources, no longer relying on energy drained from dormant humans mentally residing in a computer-programmed world,” said President Biden, adding that the process for phasing out use of humans who live their lives in a dreamlike virtual reality while their permanently comatose forms are suspended in gel-filled pods would begin early next year. “Now is the time to switch focus from the costly torpid bodies that produce dangerous carbon dioxide emissions to alternatives that are more cost-efficient and have a longer lifespan. Over the next 10 years alone, we hope to decrease the number of unconscious Americans generating the country’s electricity to as few 10 million citizens.” Biden added that during the transition, the inert Americans would be unplugged from power grids and disposed of in an environmentally friendly manner.
Parents At Zoo Shield Children’s Eyes From Gorillas Having Public Execution #~# SAN DIEGO—Gasping as they noticed their son and daughter pointing and screaming at the San Diego Zoo’s primate exhibit, local parents Janet and Chris Stenton reportedly shielded their children’s eyes Friday from a group of gorillas carrying out a public execution. “Oh shoot, honey, don’t let the kids watch—it looks like that silverback over there is all riled up and ready to sentence that other gorilla to death,” said  Janet Stenton, who then turned to her children, asked them not to stare, and assured them it was totally normal for an alpha gorilla to scream, beat his chest, and build a makeshift gallows. “Okay, kids. Look at Mommy. Sometimes, when one great ape does something that is very bad, the other apes come together and make him pay for his crimes with the ultimate punishment, which is death. I know it seems gross, but every animal does it. That’s why the blindfolded one that’s being led around the enclosure by a rope looks so scared.” At press time, sources confirmed the  Stentons were quickly shuffling their kids away from the exhibit after the gorillas  botched the public execution and several spectators were splattered in blood.
Study Finds Majority Of Americans Die Within Same Trash Compactor They Were Born Into #~# WASHINGTON—In a new study that leading economists have called a sobering assessment of social mobility in the United States, researchers at the Brookings Institution have determined the majority of the nation’s residents end up dying within the same commercial trash compactor they were born into. “Our data show that few Americans ever escape the 15-ton industrial waste disposals of their birth, as almost no one can overcome the crushing pressure of a heavy-duty trash compactor without significant outside help,” said researcher Tessa Stein, explaining that opportunities were limited inside trash compactors, which were not designed with people in mind but rather for the purpose of pulverizing garbage and reducing it to the smallest size possible. “One disadvantage of trash compactors is that they tend to be food deserts, with few options available for a healthy diet and almost none of them fresh. Compared to other wealthy nations, the United States sees a far greater percentage of its citizens condemned to the same trash compactor, shredder, of incinerator their family has occupied for generations.” Critics of the study have argued that if Americans are being crushed by 100,000 pounds of pressure inside a solid-steel box, it should only provide them with even more incentive to try to lift themselves up by their bootstraps. 
Twitter Employees React To Getting Laid Off #~# Since purchasing Twitter for $44 billion, Elon Musk has reportedly attempted to cut costs by eliminating some 3,700 jobs. The Onion asked several former employees how they felt about being laid off, and this is what they said.
Voters Reelect Dead Pennsylvania State Representative #~# Voters in Pennsylvania reelected a dead House of Representatives member on Tuesday night, triggering a special election for a later date to fill the deceased Democrat’s seat. What do you think?
First Gen Z Member Elected To Congress #~# Maxwell Frost, a 25-year-old Democrat, has beaten his opponent in Tuesday’s midterm elections to represent Florida’s 10th Congressional District as the first Gen Z member of congress. What do you think?
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 10 Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 10 games.
‘Call Of Duty’ Adds Premium Skin Only Available To Players Who Kill Someone In Real Life #~# WOODLAND HILLS, CA—Introducing a new mod for the latest installment in its flagship franchise, video game developer Infinity Ward announced Thursday it had added a premium skin for Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare II that would only be available to customers who had killed someone in real life. “We want to reward our most dedicated and enthusiastic players, so we’ve updated the game with an exclusive character skin for anyone who has committed an actual homicide,” said a company spokesperson, who went on to describe how  maps, weapon upgrades, and special power-ups could be unlocked by users who are willing to grab a real gun and shoot a real person in the real world. “It doesn’t matter whether it’s self-defense, involuntary manslaughter, or first-degree murder—as long as you have shed genuine human blood, you can qualify. We’ve even added a feature that lets you show other Call Of Duty players the number of confirmed kills you’ve racked up outside the game.” According to sources, Infinity Ward is also at work on a premium skin that will only be available to players who have violated the Geneva Conventions and committed real-life war crimes.
Things That Will Get You Permanently Banned From Elon Musk’s Twitter #~# With a recent increase in the number of accounts suspended from the social media site, The Onion examines all the things that will get you permanently banned from Elon Musk’s Twitter.
How Should We Reduce Political Polarization? #~# Americans are increasingly concerned about political polarization and its effect on the country, with many of the proposed solutions seeming ill-suited to resolving the issue. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their preferred method of reducing political polarization.
I’d Probably Do Fine In Prison Because I Get Along With Everybody #~# I like to think of myself as a people person. Socializing has always been second nature to me, no matter where I am. You could drop me into a room full of strangers, and we’d all be thick as thieves by the end of the night. Heck, I’d probably even do well in prison, just because I tend to get along with everybody.On day one, I’d waltz right up to the biggest guy in the yard and say, “Hey! Where did you get that jumpsuit?” I won’t be as tough as most prisoners, but I’m not gonna be afraid to razz ’em with a joke.Ultimately, everyone just wants to make friends, form memories, and have a great time. We’re stuck with each other, so why not have a laugh? I’d hop into the communal shower and make a big beard of soap. I might even splash around if we were really having a blast.I guess I’d approach it like an adult summer camp. If my cellmate wanted the bottom bunk, I’d gladly climb up to the top. I don’t mind making a concession, and it’s that same breezy attitude that always wins folks over. It’ll be no different than when I was a kid at Camp Washtenaw and my bunkmate and I would stay up all night telling each other scary stories.  Look, I know jail scares a lot of people who are intimidated by the prisoners, but I’ve always been confident in my ability to find common ground. I mean, how hard could it be to talk to these guys? We’re all incarnated in the same prison, so that’s a start.It doesn’t matter if you’re a petty thief, a mob boss, or a serial killer—we’re all just people at the end of the day.
Stolen Bitcoin Worth $3 Billion Found In Popcorn Tin #~# The U.S. Department of Justice seized $3.36 billion of stolen Bitcoin after a 10-year search, authorities finding the funds hidden on various devices in a hacker’s home in an underfloor safe inside a popcorn tin. What do you think?
Kid Could Afford To Be More Discerning About Which Rocks Are Worth Collecting #~# SEYMOUR, IN—Calling into question the 9-year-old amateur geologist’s taste and expertise, sources confirmed Thursday that local child Jacob Hiller could afford to be more discerning about which rocks were worth collecting. “I asked him what kind of rock this one was and he said ‘shiny’—shiny isn’t a rock type, moron,” said one source, who noted that the majority of the rocks in the boy’s collection came either from his backyard or the drainage ditch along the side of the road, neither of which seemed like particularly impressive dig sites. “Oh, this one is bigger than that one? Is that your hypothesis? Does he not realize this one is literally a chunk of concrete? Even the few cool-looking rocks he does own are fakes; they’re tumbled and dyed. He might know rocks can’t naturally be that shiny and magenta if he’d bothered to read one goddamn article on geology in his entire life.” At press time, the child had reportedly added an invaluable dinosaur fossil to the collection in his shirt. 
Clueless Commuters Walk Past World-Famous Subway Masturbator Without Realizing #~# NEW YORK—Ignoring what they apparently dismissed as just an ordinary, unassuming man with his pants around his ankles, dozens of clueless Manhattan commuters walked past the world-famous subway masturbator James Bosley without even realizing who he was, sources reported Wednesday. “It’s amazing anyone could pass by this titan of public onanism without so much as a second glance,” critic Damien Lundy said of the riders on the uptown train who were reportedly too busy staring at their phones to pay much attention to the once-in-a-generation self-pleasuring virtuoso as he exposed himself and plied his craft. “This man is a national treasure—perhaps the greatest American-born masturbator ever to ejaculate in full view on public transit. He’s masturbated on the London Underground, the Paris Métro, and the Berlin U-Bahn. He’s even masturbated for four presidents and the late Queen Elizabeth.” According to reports, Bosley left the train car at 66th Street to perform a masturbation recital for a capacity crowd on the prestigious subway platform of the Lincoln Center station. 
Biggest Winners And Losers From The Midterm Elections #~# Following a number of critical races that will determine the future of the country, The Onion examines the biggest winners and losers from the midterm elections.
Chris Evans Named ‘People’ Magazine’s 2022 Sexiest Man Alive #~# People magazine named Captain America star Chris Evans as this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” What do you think?
Winklevoss Twins Spend Joyous Afternoon Jerking Each Other Off #~# NEW YORK—Following reports of the first-ever mass layoffs at Facebook parent company Meta, sources confirmed identical twins Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss spent a joyous Wednesday afternoon  jerking each other off. “Make pleasure of me as we rejoice in Zuckerberg’s demise, my dear brother,” Tyler Winklevoss said as he stared unblinkingly  into his brother’s eyes and they slowly masturbated each other in perfect unison. “Ah, revenge is sweet, but not as sweet as your soft caress of my turgid member. Hark! What a gift it is to share the ecstasy of comeuppance with family. Stroke, stroke! Just as we did on the rowing team.” At press time, the Winklevoss twins’ erections were reportedly getting more engorged with each repetition of the chant “Mark is dead.”
Beto O’Rourke Asks Advisors If Getting Paralyzed By Tree Would Help 2026 Election Chances #~# AUSTIN, TX—Reeling in the wake of a difficult loss in the Texas gubernatorial race, Democratic candidate Beto O’Rourke reportedly asked his advisors Wednesday if getting paralyzed by a tree might help his 2026 election chances. “Look, we’ve got to be honest with ourselves and admit something is holding me back as a candidate, and if that’s my ability to walk, then, sure, I’d stand in the path of a falling oak tree,” O’Rourke said during an impromptu huddle with his closest aides in which he asked how much polling  had been done on the hypothetical scenario of a freak accident leaving him tragically confined to a wheelchair before the next governor’s election. “Let’s imagine I get a four- or five-point bump with Hispanics after they see a photo of me in a wheelchair. If we’re talking about turning Texas blue, then who the hell knows what I’m willing to sacrifice? Anyway, let’s fire up some focus groups ASAP, because this having two functional legs shit is clearly not working.” At press time, O’Rourke added that it couldn’t hurt to throw in a question about whether it would help his electability to get married to Greg Abbott’s wife.
Smiling Fetterman Asks Oz If He’d Mind Slowly Repeating Concession For 5th Time #~# PITTSBURGH–Speaking to the Republican candidate over the phone early Wednesday morning, a smiling John Fetterman reportedly asked Mehmet Oz if he would mind slowly repeating his concession for the fifth time. “I don’t know if you knew this, but I’ve been experiencing some auditory processing difficulties–would you mind repeating yourself again?” said Fetterman, who settled into an armchair as the phone call with his defeated opponent passed the 45-minute mark. “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite get that. A little slower please. You said something about losing? I just want to be absolutely certain I’m hearing this right.” At press time, Fetterman suggested that perhaps he could accept the concession in person if he were ever in New Jersey.
Victorious Senator Vows To Still Fight For Billionaires Who Didn’t Funnel Dark Money Into Campaign #~# MOCKSVILLE, NC—Pledging that he would work to unite rather than divide following his election victory, Senator-elect Ted Budd (R-NC) vowed Wednesday to still fight for billionaires who didn’t funnel dark money into his campaign. “I want to thank all the ultra-wealthy people who did help me win by donating through a series of opaque political action committees and shadowy advocacy groups, but even if you’re a billionaire or a multimillionaire who didn’t, I promise to pursue your interests while in office anyway,” said Budd, who took in millions from billionaire-funded super PACs in this election cycle and remarked in his victory speech that he hoped the nation’s wealthy elite who shape political campaigns realized they had more things uniting them than dividing them. “I understand that some of the billionaires watching this funneled millions of dollars to my opponent, but today I hope you understand that I am here for the well-being of all titans of industry, executives of major companies, and other influential wealthy figures, not just those whose unregulated special-interest groups won me this election today. As your senator, I hope to earn your trust and, eventually, your dark money.” At press time, Budd promised that regardless of political affiliation, his door was always open to anyone with a net worth over $500 million.
New Legislation Would Prohibit Texting While Stabbing #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—After attracting bipartisan sponsors in both houses of the state’s General Assembly, new legislation was introduced Wednesday that would prohibit texting while stabbing anywhere in Illinois. “Looking at your phone when you’re trying to stab someone is reckless because you can suddenly lose control of your knife,” said state Sen. Bill Cunningham, a co-sponsor of the bill who noted that Illinois residents should always switch to a hands-free Bluetooth device before picking up a knife, regardless of whether they were spending an hour hunting someone down a dark alley or were just briefly waving the blade around as a threat. “You may think you can dash off a quick text while methodically plunging a knife into a person’s throat, but with your attention divided between the two tasks, your victim is very likely to survive the attack and possibly even escape. This law will help make sure everyone carrying out a knife attack in the state of Illinois keeps their attention focused on the human being bleeding out in front of them.” Cunningham went on to cite studies that have shown distracted stabbing can be every bit as dangerous as stabbing under the influence of alcohol.
What To Say To Someone Who Is Saving Themselves For Marriage #~# If you know someone who plans on saving sex for marriage, here are the things you should absolutely say to them.
Scenes From The Midterm Elections #~# Millions of Americans went to the polls yesterday hoping to either save their nation or at least destroy it in a slightly different way. The Onion’s crack team of political reporters accompanied every single campaign and every single voter to every polling place in America to find the most compelling Election Day scenes.
Kamala Harris Loses Benefits After Hours Get Cut At Work #~# WASHINGTON—Left reeling after discovering she no longer qualified for healthcare coverage through her White House job, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly lost her benefits Wednesday after her hours got cut at work. “Are you kidding me? Those assholes didn’t even warn me first,” said Harris, who was furious after checking the paper schedule posted outside the chief of staff’s office and learning she had only been assigned three 8-hour shifts as vice president for the coming week. “This is such bullshit. It’s not like I like working here, but I need this fucking job! And it’s not like I can just go get a second job, because the schedule changes every week. Those complete dicks! They’re trying to push me out! I should have known this was going to happen when they refused to offer me a 401(k) even though all my aides have one.”  Harris added that the worst part was that she was scheduled to be vice president on Saturday night.
AI Software Company Patches Bug That Caused App To Treat Black People Equally #~# PALO  ALTO, CA—Responding to an outpouring of criticism across the tech  industry, officials at software company Emergent AI confirmed Wednesday that they had  fixed a bug causing their photo app to treat black users equally.  “Unfortunately, we didn’t catch the glitch before several hundred users  of color received the same treatment as white users, and for that we’re  deeply sorry,” said company spokesman Steven Grant, who pinned the  mistake on machine-learning techniques that allowed Emergent’s algorithm to  develop defective abilities such as broad-mindedness and empathy for  minorities. “This was a huge oversight on our part, due partly to the  fact that the image database implemented to train the AI included an  accurate representation of our country’s demographics. That’s wrong. It  doesn’t align with our company’s values, and we pledge to do better to  discriminate against a much larger chunk of our user base.” At press  time, the company had reported further positive results after altering its database to include 19th-century physiognomy diagrams and  writings from famous eugenicists. 
National Park Service Urging Visitors To Stop Licking Toxic Psychedelic Toads #~# The National Park Service is warning visitors against licking the Sonoran Desert Toad, an amphibian that secretes toxins that also act as a powerful hallucinogen when smoked, with officials stressing that even touching one can make humans very ill. What do you think?
U.N. Chief Tells Climate Summit: Cooperate Or Perish #~# U.N. Secretary General António Guterres warned world leaders at the COP27 climate conference this week that the world is “on a highway to climate hell,” and urged the two biggest polluting countries, China and the United States, to “cooperate or perish.” What do you think?
Elderly Poll Watcher Doing Slow, Confused Job Of Intimidating Voters #~# LEAGUE CITY, TX—Noting that the clearly flustered man had zero idea what to do or say, local voter Raleigh Jenkins told reporters Tuesday that the elderly poll watcher he encountered was doing a slow, confused job of intimidating voters. “This morning, what should have been a very fast process took forever because the right-wing extremist tasked with patrolling my polling place barely knew how to disenfranchise me or anyone else in line,” said Jenkins, adding that in an ideal world, he would have shown up to cast his vote; gotten pushed around by an armed, masked man in a bulletproof vest; and then been back in his car in five to 10 minutes. “As much as I appreciate him showing up and trying to stand in the way of democracy, the old man could barely point his gun at my forehead and kept forgetting what he was saying about the 2020 election being stolen from Donald Trump by the Democratic cabal. Honestly, I almost felt bad for the guy. It took him 45 minutes just to call his militia and ask if he should kill the guy in front of me for supposedly committing voter fraud.” At press time, Jenkins told reporters that he was ultimately just grateful he made it to work on time, because as he was leaving, the elderly poll watcher saw a Black voter, clutched his chest, and collapsed.
Stressed-Out Woman Treats Herself To Additional $400 Of Credit Card Debt #~# NEW YORK—Responding to the number of irritations and annoyances she had experienced in the past week, stressed-out woman Ashley Fitton told reporters Tuesday she was treating herself to an additional $400 of credit card debt. “I had a really hard past few days, so I deserve to take some time out for myself to destroy my credit,” Fitton said as she sat down at her computer to relax by sinking deeper into debt with the purchase of several new outfits and makeup palettes she couldn’t afford. “Sometimes you just need to reward yourself  by increasing that outstanding balance. I can already feel the tension leaving my body with every point that drops off my credit score.” At press time, Fitton had reportedly decided to really indulge with an extra $1,000 on a different card so she could get another debt collector. 
Scientists Discover Fluffy Planet With Density Of A Marshmallow #~# Astronomers in Arizona discovered a Jupiter-sized planet they think has a density similar to that of a marshmallow, the exoplanet calculated to be about 17 grams per cubic feet and light enough to float in a bathtub of water. What do you think?
Nursing Home CEO Afraid He’ll End Up In One Of Those Places He Owns #~# KENNETT SQUARE, PA—Confessing concerns about what would happen if one day, in his old age, he became unable to care for himself, nursing home CEO Robert Gallegro told reporters Tuesday he was afraid to end up in one of those places he owns. “I hope my kids never put me into a degrading, isolating facility like the ones  I run when I’m older,” said Gallegro, adding that being neglected and abused in the conditions he created was not how he wanted to spend the last years of his life. “I’ve overseen the terrible way they treat people in my nursing homes, and it’s just horrific. For Christ’s sake, I could be sitting in my own filth for days because of how understaffed I keep those places to make a profit.” At press time, Gallegro was reportedly making plans to open a few more nursing homes to ensure he had enough money not to end up in one of them.
Most Brilliant Ways Elon Musk Plans To Make Twitter Profitable #~# Elon Musk may have taken on $13 billion in debt to buy Twitter, but with his unparalleled brilliance, he’ll earn it back in no time. Here are the most genius ways Elon Musk will make the social media platform profitable.
Armed Conservative Monitoring Polling Site Disappointed How Few People Vote In Midterms #~# KEENE, NH—Sighing as he checked his watch again, an armed conservative man monitoring a local polling place Tuesday expressed disappointment over how few people vote in midterm elections. “I had hoped a lot more voters would turn out for me to intimidate, but I guess some folks can’t even be bothered to show up and try to vote,” said Bill Trent, 48, adding that he had risen early to clean his sidearm and semiautomatic rifle so he could arrive at the polling site before it opened, but after hours of patrolling the premises, he had only been able to stop about a dozen voters at gunpoint to check their IDs and ensure they were locals. “I called my buddies at another polling place across town, and it’s the same deal. Based on registration numbers, I was expecting to terrorize hundreds of people well into the evening, not to mention thousands more who we were told would show up to try and vote illegally. I stood in the path of this one guy who didn’t even know there was an election today. It’s such a shame. Guess I got locked and loaded for nothing.” At press time, saying he didn’t want the whole day to be a waste, Trent told reporters he had decided to lug his 2,000 rounds of stockpiled ammunition on down to the Planned Parenthood.    
Kidnapper Not About To Wake Up At 5 A.M. To Abduct Jogging Woman #~# GARDEN CITY, ID—Scoffing at the utterly ridiculous thought that he’d ever be that much of a morning person, local kidnapper Stanley Deacon told reporters Tuesday that he was not about to wake up at 5 a.m. to abduct a jogging woman. “Oh hell no—as much as I’d  love to be up bright and early to find a woman running alone and stuff her into the trunk of my car, there’s no goddamn way I’m getting out of bed before sunrise,” said Deacon, adding that there wasn’t a victim in the world that would motivate him to set an alarm, not hit snooze, and somehow roll out of the house before his normal stalking time of 10 a.m. “Seriously, I love a good opportunity to corner a terrified woman alone in the woods as much as the next kidnapper, but getting up at the crack of dawn? Fuck that! Plus, it’s all dark and cold out there that early in the morning. Truth be told, it always creeps me out.” At press time, Deacon confirmed he had opted to sleep in, have a nice relaxing morning, and just do double the kidnapping that night.
Obama Claims He’s Still President After Seeing How Susceptible Voters Are To Conspiracy Theories #~# WASHINGTON—Shortly  after seeing a poll showing 40% of Americans are still  convinced the 2020 election was stolen, Barack Obama announced plans  Tuesday to take advantage of widespread belief in conspiracy theories by  claiming that he was still president. “Look, if this country is  seriously at a place where I can get 25, 30% of  Americans to believe this, then, sure—I, Barack Obama, am still the  president of the United States,” said Obama, announcing plans to drum up support for the fraudulent claim  through rallies for infuriated supporters and appearances with  sympathetic hosts on CNN and MSNBC. “Really, all I need to say is that I  never formally left office in January 2017, and that I need millions of dollars  from Democratic voters to help fight this insidious threat to our  democracy. It’ll boost voter turnout and help folks rally around the DNC  platform. Hell, even if I’m not restored to the Oval Office, it will  help me personally and financially. So, yes, let me say it for the  record: Donald Trump and his corrupt lackeys stole the 2016 election  from me, and I would still be president if it weren’t for his meddling in  the vote count.” Upon seeing the positive reaction from die-hard  supporters, the 44th president went on to add that, sure, Michelle,  Sasha, and Malia are also still the president.
Raphael Warnock Surges In Polls After Taking Off Glasses #~# ATLANTA—Pulling ahead of Republican challenger Herschel Walker by nearly 60 percentage points, Sen. Raphael Warnock (D-GA) reportedly surged in the polls Monday after taking off his eyeglasses. “The majority of Georgia voters we surveyed were absolutely shocked, stating, ‘Him? That’s him? You’re telling me that Adonis of a senate candidate over there is Raphael Warnock? Are we talking about the same Raphael Warnock?’” said Quinnipiac University polling analyst Paul Minicus, who noted that the incumbent’s decision to remove his narrow, rectangular frames had, among other effects, led Democratic, Republican, and independent voters alike to crash their cars as they drove by him. “Eighty-one percent of those polled told us that when the senator took off his glasses it really opened up his face, allowing them to notice his beautiful eyes for the very first time, and 84 percent said he looked like a completely different person. With voters going to the polls tomorrow, this puts Warnock in a tough position, since he doesn’t want the votes of people who don’t like him for him.” At press time, reports confirmed Warnock had plunged in the polls after smiling to reveal  a full set of braces.
Elon Musk Touts Project To Teach Neuralink Monkeys To Commit Sexual Harassment #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In a long-awaited product update from the startup that has developed brain-machine interfaces so rhesus macaques can play video games with their minds, Elon Musk revealed a new project Monday that would teach monkeys outfitted with Neuralink chips to sexually harass their coworkers. “Using state-of-the-art brain implants, we can train monkeys to understand what professional boundaries are and how they can be transgressed in a highly inappropriate and sexual manner,” said Musk, explaining how Neuralink’s Bluetooth-enabled chips could be used to activate the motor cortex of a primate so that it administers unwanted massages in the workplace or uses rudimentary sign language to comment on a coworker’s body. “Admittedly, there have been a few glitches so far, with several of the monkeys asking for permission before engaging in lewd behavior and, in some cases, even stopping when they heard the word ‘no.’ But yesterday we got a monkey to use its mind to send a picture of its genitals to the woman who answers the phones here.” Multiple sources at Neuralink said that Musk, in an attempt to encourage monkeys to masturbate in an office environment, would routinely place them behind a desk and eagerly stroke their erect penises. 
Astros Win First World Series Since Cheating Scandal #~# The Houston Astros defeated the Philadelphia Phillies to claim the franchise’s second World Series title, three years after the team’s sign-stealing cheating scandal that made them the most hated team in the MLB. What do you think?
Things A Republican-Held Congress Plans To Do Immediately #~# The Onion examines what the GOP will do without delay if a red wave in the midterms puts  Republicans in control of Congress.
Study Finds 100% Of Relationships Last Forever #~# STANFORD, CA—Shedding new light on the unbreakable power of love, a new study published Monday by researchers at Stanford University found that 100% of relationships last forever. “We conducted a double-blind study of more than 10,000 relationships over a period of eight decades and discovered that all 10,000 of the romantic bonds are lasting and will last until the end of time,” said research director Corrine Harrison, who was astonished by her finding that whether a relationship was between high school sweethearts who had so far been going out for three weeks or a married couple approaching their eighth anniversary, every single one of them was perfect and would remain perfect until the day the lovers died. “Study participants reported that even after all these years, their emotional connection had never been deeper, their trust in each other had never been more solid, and the sex had never been more passionate. The results held consistent for traditional monogamous pairings as well as throuples and polycules. This study confirms that love truly is the strongest force on Earth.” At press time, all 100% of relationships were still going strong.
Usain Bolt Recalls Discovering Talent For Running Through Corporate Wellness Challenge #~# KINGSTON, JAMAICA—Crediting the workplace competition with changing the entire course of his life, eight-time Olympic gold medalist Usain Bolt recalled Monday how he first discovered his talent for running through a corporate wellness challenge at his first job. “I never even liked working out until I got an email announcing the whole company was going to do a six-week fitness challenge to get healthier,” said Bolt, who shared that before becoming a world-record holding sprinter, he worked as a project manager at Salesforce and had never even set foot in a gym. “At first I was trying to get away with really easy stuff like walking, but then I started running when I saw it would earn me more ‘fit points.’ I’m glad I did because it turned out I could go really fast. I would like to thank the HR department for unlocking the potential within me. I lost more than 20 pounds, too.” At press time, Bolt added that despite all his achievements, nothing would ever match that high of winning a free Vitamix.
Centrist Advocates Moderate Approach To Genocide #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Claiming there were arguments to be made on both sides of the race extermination debate, local centrist Ken Dunning advocated Monday for a more moderate approach to genocide. “We’ve really let ideology cloud our views on ethnic cleansing, and if people could just put aside the extreme, polarizing rhetoric for a moment, I think they’d see the best way forward lies somewhere in the middle,” said Dunning, explaining that a sensible, working genocide policy required nuanced thinking and a willingness to compromise, not emotional talking points about whether or not people with a particular skin color or ancestry deserved to be executed en masse. “Instead of demonizing people who want to commit genocide, I think it’s important to encourage an open and honest dialogue. There are a lot of factors, both economic and political, at play. And because of that, we need to find creative solutions, perhaps judging each genocide on a case-by-case basis.” At press time, Dunning was reportedly still arguing that genocide was an issue reasonable people could disagree on when he was shot execution-style in front of his home.  
Regular Been Coming To Local Diner Long Enough To Know All The Forks By Name #~# JERSEY CITY, NJ—Watching him settle into his favorite corner booth for a late breakfast, sources reported Monday that local regular Dale Jenkins has been coming to Miss America Diner long enough to know all the different forks by name. “Lenny, Frank, Alice—how the hell are ya?” the man said to three of the diner’s many unique, water-stained pieces of silverware, which he has reportedly been on a first-name basis with for the past decade, his frequent visits enabling him to strike up an intimate conversation no matter which shift it is when he stops in. “What’s new? Alice, last time I saw you I believe you were about to take a trip through the dishwasher, weren’t you? How’d that go? I know I say this all the time, but you guys are the best, always greeting me with a nice shiny welcome and putting all the tasty food in my mouth. Good company, too! That reminds me—any word from Professor Tines? I’m in here three or four times a week, and I ain’t seen him around lately. Anyhow, I brought pictures of my weekend at the Shore to show him. Thought he might get a kick out of those.” At press time, Jenkins had been declared a hero by other patrons who had witnessed him jump into action to catch his favorite fork Ron before it fell to the floor.
Miss Argentina, Miss Puerto Rico Reveal They Are Married #~# A former Miss Argentina and former Miss Puerto Rico revealed to fans online that they are married, two years after meeting at the Miss Grand International competition where both contestants made it to the top 10. What do you think?
Astros Credit World Series Win To Subject Of Future MLB Investigation #~# HOUSTON—Following their victory over the Philadelphia Phillies to clinch the title, the Houston Astros  credited their World Series win to the subject of a future MLB investigation. “We couldn’t have done it without the tactics that will be at the center of a wide-ranging probe by MLB officials roughly 18 months from now,” said Astros second baseman Jose Altuve, adding that his teammates would always recall the thrilling series as another stain on the franchise’s legacy. “There’s no feeling like this in the world, to know that you’ve won it all, and it’s all thanks to a clandestine system  developed by our bench coach and put into action by a few players who will be the subject of rumors beginning in a few months, with everything coming to light just before the 2024 season. Ultimately, we couldn’t have done it without numerous violations that will result in the suspension of multiple players and coaches, and nobody can take that away from us, even though there will be calls to vacate our championship after this all gets out in the open.” At press time, Astros owner Jim Crane reportedly congratulated the team for carrying out the subject of the investigation in such a way as to keep him immune from punishment.
Housekeeper Sues Jeff Bezos Over Working Conditions, Discrimination #~# Jeff Bezos’ former housekeeper is suing the billionaire over allegations of racial discrimination and poor working conditions, claiming that she was forced to work 10 to 14 hours per day and was not allowed to use the restroom while he was home. What do you think?
Tucker Carlson Screaming In Agony That He Feels Crime Crawling All Over Him #~# BOCA GRANDE, FL—As he tore off his shirt and shouted that his body was covered in heinous transgressions of the law, Tucker Carlson screamed in agony Friday, claiming that he felt crime crawling all over him. “Please, someone, get these crimes off me!” yelled the 53-year-old television host, who reportedly scratched at his face until it bled because he believed crime was burrowing deep into his skin. “Call 911—billions of laws are being broken right now in every cell of my body! Democrats must be dumping crime in the nation’s water supply. This is exactly what I said was going to happen, but no one believed me. Now I’m infected with it, and I reek of foul criminal offenses!” At press time, sources confirmed Carlson had set himself on fire in a desperate attempt to kill the crime.
Elon Musk’s Plans For Twitter #~# World’s richest person Elon Musk recently completed his $44 billion purchase of Twitter, taking it private and issuing plans for other major changes at the social media company. The Onion highlights Musk’s biggest new plans for Twitter’s future.
Study Exposes Risks Of Wandering Through The Burkmoore Swamp On A Moonless Night #~# NEW ORLEANS—Bringing to light the many dangers lurking in the dark wetlands, a new study published Friday by researchers at Tulane University exposed the risks of wandering through the Burkmoore swamp on a moonless night. “According to our research, those who find themselves walking through the sumps of Burkmoore on a pitch-black evening are in danger of encountering the mysteries and monsters that await,” said lead researcher Professor Sara Bachman, adding that many doomed souls have reported hearing ghostly voices calling through the darkness, pleading the swamp visitor to walk further into its marshy depths. “Researchers also discovered that a wanderer can find the landscape shifting to hide the way from which they came on such a night as this. About half of those study participants reported becoming entangled in the semi-aquatic plants of Burkmoore swamp, their dingy tendrils wrapping themselves around the walkers’ ankles.” Bachman added that more evidence would hopefully be collected after the search party found the research team that had gone missing in the quag. 
Things People Hate The Most About Democratic Fundraising Emails #~# Whatever happens to Democrats this election, their unceasing disrespect for voters’ time, privacy, and intelligence prove they deserve it. Here are things people hate the most about Democratic fundraising emails.
Shanghai Disney Requires Negative Covid Test For Guests To Leave #~# Shanghai’s Disney Resort abruptly suspended operations on Monday to comply with Covid-19 prevention measures, requiring all visitors at the time of the announcement to stay in the park until they returned a negative test for the virus. What do you think?
Parents Attempt To Wean Ornery Toddler Off Cigarettes #~# PITTSBURGH—Hoping to break the habit the young child had clung to since infancy, local parents Maria and Robert Feinsod confirmed Monday  they were attempting to wean their ornery toddler off cigarettes. “We’re just so used to lighting one up for him every time he gets fussy, but we think it’s probably time he stopped smoking,” said Maria Feinsod, explaining that they had made little progress because their 16-month-old son, Jacob, threw a fit every time they tried to take away his pack of Marlboro Reds. “We’ve always relied on the cigarettes to help settle him down, especially at bedtime, so it’s been really hard. I’ve tried everything from e-cigarettes to nicotine gum, but he always spits them out. It’s relatively harmless now, but his pediatrician said if Jacob keeps smoking, it might cause tooth decay.” At press time, the Feinsods expressed relief after they had successfully coaxed the toddler into trying Red Man chewing tobacco.
How Should We Fix America’s Broken Electoral System? #~# A majority of Americans believe that U.S. democracy is in crisis, and many point to issues with the nation’s electoral system, from dark money donations to voter suppression. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their solution to fix America’s broken electoral system.
Judge Issues Restraining Order Against Group Monitoring Ballot Boxes #~# A federal judge in Phoenix issued a restraining order against right-wing group Clean Elections USA, prohibiting the ballot box watchers from openly carrying guns, recording, or yelling at voters within specified distances of the ballot boxes. What do you think?
Biden Warns Americans That Ability To Even Pretend U.S. A Democracy At Stake #~# WASHINGTON—Delivering a stark warning regarding the nation’s future, President Joe Biden gave a speech Wednesday night in which he cautioned Americans that the ability to even pretend the United States was a democracy was now at stake. “Today, our country teeters on a grim precipice, and if we aren’t careful, it will become completely impossible to embrace the charade that we are in any way a functioning democracy,” said Biden, describing how the upcoming midterm election could be the nation’s last chance to delude itself into believing its political system was actually built on the will of its people. “Please, I urge you to go out and exercise your right to vote while you are still capable of imagining it does something on the national or even the local level. This could be the last Election Day you can call America a democracy with a straight face.” At press time, spending on 2022 federal and state races was expected to reach a midterm record of $16.7 billion.
Leaked Audio Reveals Uvalde Cop Asked Pizza Delivery Guy To Check On Kids While Dropping Off Few Pies #~# UVALDE, TX—As controversy continues to surround the law enforcement response to the shooting at Robb Elementary School that left 19 students and two teachers dead, newly leaked audio revealed Thursday that Uvalde police asked the pizza delivery guy to check on students while dropping off a few pies. “There’s a big tip in it for your delivery guy if he’ll just mosey on in there and walk around for a few minutes to see what’s going on,” a  police officer is heard to say on a recording of the call, which was reportedly placed to a local Domino’s shortly after noon and features multiple interruptions from fellow cops shouting at the officer to remember to order breadsticks. “There’s no security in there or anything, so he should be able to get in no problem. He could even pretend he’s delivering pizza and just get a read on the situation, although he should obviously bring the pizza back to us. We’re not letting those kids get their grubby little hands on our buffalo chicken pie. He doesn’t have to do a full search of the place—if he can just figure out generally where the shooter is and how many kids are dead, that would be great. And if he doesn’t mind, we’ll throw him a few bucks so he can grab us some cokes from the cafeteria vending machine. But please hurry, we’re very hungry.” Sources confirmed the newly leaked material also included audio of the police chief arguing with U.S. Marshals over the last slice of pepperoni, as well as cell-phone video of one cop rushing into the school to use the bathroom.
Twitter Adds ‘Context’ Label To Clarify When Tweets Make Elon Musk Sad #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Touting the feature’s ability to add color to posts and respond with a high level of accuracy, Twitter added a new “context” label this week to clarify when tweets made Elon Musk sad. “Starting today, posts that elicit a strong reaction will include a short paragraph to explain exactly why and how the post was seen by Elon Musk and how badly it got under his skin,” said Twitter’s head of safety and integrity Yoel Roth, adding that the feature inserted necessary details into online discussions, including whether the CEO had responded by crying, locking himself in his room, or even having a full-on meltdown. “In today’s volatile internet ecosystem, we at Twitter have a duty to be as transparent as possible and help our users understand when Elon has seen a tweet that made him run screaming to his office, lock himself inside, and refuse to come out, no matter what anyone says. Already the ‘context’ label has flagged several relevant posts, including ones about celebrities leaving Twitter, verified users refusing to pay to keep their check mark, or people repurposing his own memes to insult his intelligence. We’ve also had to add the label to some of the most hurtful and upsetting posts that fail to mention Elon Musk.” At press time, users had reportedly questioned the ‘context’ label for mostly appearing under left-leaning posts, even though both left- and right-wing posters had consistently made Musk cry.
NBA Scouts Salivating Over 7'1" European Floor Sweeper #~# UTENA, LITHUANIA—Agreeing that the prospect had what it took to make an immediate impact at the NBA level, scouts were reportedly salivating  Thursday over a 7-foot-1-inch-tall European floor sweeper. “With his reach and wingspan, Marijus [Petrauskas] should be able to get out there and mop sweat off the floor faster than anyone else on the court,” said New York Knicks head janitorial scout Bill Feore, one of more than a dozen NBA personnel who were preparing to compete for the services of the uncommonly tall Utena Arena floor sweeper. “Usually when you get kids right out of college, it takes them some time to adjust to the faster play and significantly increased amount of sweat on an NBA court, but Marijus is already 23 and has a few years’ experience. Not only has he thrived in more collaborative, team-first custodial organizations, but he’s got a level of confidence keeping the players’ area clean and clear during games that’s well beyond his years. And as everyone knows, you simply can’t teach height. More and more, we’re seeing teams go to Europe to look for their next great floor sweeper.” At press time, the scouts were reportedly blown away after seeing the 7-foot-1 European floor sweeper pull off an astounding no-look mop pass.
What Republicans Are Saying About The Paul Pelosi Attack #~# After the speaker of the House’s husband was assaulted with a hammer in his own home, The Onion asked prominent Republicans what they thought about the Paul Pelosi attack.
‘Planet Killer’ Asteroid Spotted Hiding In Sun’s Glare #~# Astronomers spotted three near-Earth asteroids that were lurking undetected within the glare of the sun, with one of the asteroids dubbed a “planet killer” due to its potential to one day cross the Earth’s orbit. What do you think?
Man Inspects Perimeter To Find Most Vulnerable Entry Point To Hamburger #~# CHICAGO—Turning the hulking fortress of a sandwich slowly in his hands to capture a 360-degree view of his target, local man Branden Zielinski was reportedly conducting a thorough perimeter inspection Thursday to find the most vulnerable entry point to his hamburger. “Jesus Christ, this is a tough one—I’m an expert, but these layers of lettuce and cheese are basically impenetrable,” said Zielinski, who set the burger back down on his plate and stuck a knife into the middle of the bun before aborting the attempt and picking it back up again. “I’m tempted to dive right in, but I know I must move cautiously and deliberately so as not to get hurt. One wrong move and wham—it could be totally over. Sauce everywhere.” At press time, Zielinski was buying his reconnaissance operation more time by investigating the fries.
Democratic Fundraising Email States James Carville Is Wearing Suicide Vest On Recipient’s Doorstep #~# PITTSFIELD, MA—In the effort to raise cash for the party’s candidates ahead of the midterms, a new Democratic Party fundraising email reportedly stated Thursday that James Carville is wearing a suicide vest on the recipient’s door step. “We need you to donate $25 in the next 25 seconds, otherwise the fate of James Carville is at stake—he’s going to blow himself to bits and it will be all your fault,” read the email raising funds for Nevada Senate candidate Catherine Cortez Masto in part, which arrived in the recipient’s inbox with the subject line “We Have Bad News.” “We’ve asked you before, we’ve begged for your money, and now we regret to inform you that the beloved Democratic consultant is wearing a vest packed with enough explosives to level a small town, and he’s got his hand on the detonator. Do you want the Republicans to take back the Senate this November? Do you want James Carville’s limbs all over your porch? Donate today, or else the downfall of this nation, as well as his blood, will be on your conscience.” At press time, the Democratic Party was reportedly texting prospective donors asking them to consider making their donation recurring, otherwise Carville will be back on their porch wearing a suicide vest again tomorrow.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 9 Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week nine games.
Elon Musk Plans To Charge Monthly Fee For Twitter Account Verification #~# Twitter CEO Elon Musk says he plans to charge Twitter users for using the blue verification checkmark, quickly lowering the amount to $8 per month after sparking criticism for suggesting a $19.99 monthly fee. What do you think?
Should Joe Biden Run Again? #~# Age means many things in the American political arena. To some, it connotes wisdom, grace, and experience. To others, it suggests a fading gerontocracy that has grown increasingly out-of-touch with the average American. As the oldest commander-in-chief in the history of our republic, the current president’s age demands a vigorous discussion to settle the question: Should President Joseph R. Biden run again? Here—in The Onion’s first-ever roundtable discussion—the paper’s editorial columnists argue for and against the proposition in a legally binding debate—one that will force President Biden to bend to our ultimate decision or face immediate imprisonment.— The Onion Editorial Board
Republican Voters Given Toll-Free Number To Call If They Witness Legitimate Vote #~# AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to tamp down on the “outrageous” practice, Texas GOP officials reportedly shared a toll-free number Wednesday that Republican voters could call if they witnessed someone casting a legitimate vote. “If you see anyone who looks like they’re getting in line or speaking to poll workers, we urge you to call or text 1-88-REAL-VOTE immediately,” said Republican Party of Texas chair Matt Rinaldi, who warned that legal voting was running rampant throughout the state, and that it was up to everyday conservative men and women to stop these registered voters before they could submit their ballots. “Our hotline is staffed 24/7 by Republican officials who will dispatch trained professionals to the scene where any alleged voting is taking place. We cannot let these legitimate votes happen. Please report any suspicious behavior you witness, especially if you see someone who does not appear to be Caucasian.” At press time, GOP officials were urging Texas Gov. Greg Abbott to protect polling places from voters by deploying the National Guard.
What To Say To Someone Struggling With Inflation #~# If you know someone struggling to pay their gas, grocery, or utility bills as inflation continues to soar, here are some things you should definitely say.
Hotel Guest Surprised To Have Been Charged For Robe She Ate #~# NEW YORK—As she scanned the bill in search of any other unexpected charges, Westin hotel guest Amy Kreis told reporters Wednesday she was surprised to find she had been charged $99 for the bath robe she ate. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me! I just assumed the robe was a snack that came with the compliments of the hotel,” said Kreis, explaining that the kimono-style terrycloth garment had been lying on the bed with no sign telling her that she would have to pay if she ate it. “If I’d known it was going to cost me a hundred bucks, I would have packed my own robe from home and eaten that. They sure do nickel-and-dime you at these places, huh?” Kreiss added that next time she would probably fill up on towels, because only charged her $45 for each of those she ate.
Conservative Man Will Be Furious If They Ever Make Dora The Explorer Less Hot #~# HUNTSVILLE, AL—Telling reporters it was now common practice to take classic TV and movie characters from the past and water them down until they were politically correct, local conservative man Tucker Mullins stated Wednesday that he would be furious if they ever made Dora the Explorer less hot. “Every beloved icon from our youth gets criticized as ‘problematic,’ so I assume it won’t be long before they completely strip Dora of her raw sex appeal,” said the 37-year-old, detailing his disgust with any hypothetical reboot of the Dora The Explorer series in which the Nickelodeon character he described as a “provocative femme fatale” might lose her seductive qualities and appear in less-revealing clothes. “I’ve spent hours simmering over the possibility that Dora might someday be portrayed as a bland, sexless girl just to fit the preferences of our woke culture. I swear, they better not take away her curves! After all, if she were desexualized, it would undercut the whole point of her adventures with her scantily clad lover, Boots.” At press time, Mullins admitted he would be happy to see a revamped Dora if she were depicted as Caucasian.
Hungry Nation Could Really Go For Bountiful Harvest Right About Now #~# WASHINGTON—Mouths watering just thinking about produce being reaped from the fields after a long and fruitful growing season, a hungry nation confirmed Wednesday that it could really go for a bountiful harvest right about now. “You know what would really hit the spot? Plentiful and abundant crops plucked straight from the earth,” said 37-year-old Denver resident Elliot Haferman, echoing the sentiment of 330 million Americans whose stomachs gurgled at the mere mention of amber waves of grain. “I don’t know what it is, but I just have the biggest hankering for a bumper crop of barley. Like, if you put a couple cornucopias in front of me, I would just go to town. Maybe I could ask Canada if they have any fat of the land to hold us over.” At press time, the nation reportedly felt bloated and disgusting after gorging itself on 88 million acres of soybeans.
CDC Warns Severity Of Flu Season Highest In 13 Years #~# The CDC says the number of positive flu tests so far this season is the highest it’s been in 13 years, with already 880,000 recorded cases of influenza illness, the last comparable flu “burden” being 2009 during the swine flu pandemic. What do you think?
What To Know About The Attack On Nancy Pelosi’s Husband #~# A man allegedly attacked Paul Pelosi, the husband of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, at their California home early Friday morning, prompting renewed concerns over political violence. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the attack on Pelosi’s husband.
Skydiver With Malfunctioning Parachute Does One Last Scan For Trampoline #~# ORANGE, VA—Attempting to stay calm despite his malfunctioning parachute, local skydiver Kevin Paris reportedly did one last scan Wednesday for a trampoline. “Hmm, okay let me see here—maybe now that I’m closer to Earth I can spot it,” said Paris, plunging through the air at more than 600 feet per second and taking a momentary break from attempting to untangle his parachute to search for a springy surface he might be able to use to break his fall. “Well, shoot. It’s not looking good so far. If only there were two guys carrying a mattress out of a moving truck. There’s a trampoline, but it has kids on it. Maybe I’ll just aim for that picnic basket.” At press time, Paris had just remembered he had a backup parachute before hitting the ground.
Taylor Swift Becomes First Artist In History To Hold Every Top 10 Spot On Billboard Hot 100 #~# Taylor Swift has become the first artist to claim every top 10 spot on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart, with all 10 songs coming from her newly released album, Midnights. What do you think?
GOP Condemns Attack On Paul Pelosi As Half-Assed #~# WASHINGTON—As House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s husband continued his recovery Tuesday, top GOP leaders condemned the violent assault against 82-year-old Paul Pelosi, uniformly criticizing the attack as half-assed. “We all need to come together and call out this attack in the strongest possible terms for failing to live up to its promise,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, echoing fellow Republicans in his unanimous denunciation of the assailant’s plan as “poorly thought through” and not even a fraction of what it could have been. “Put simply, this sort of half-baked kidnapping plot has no place in modern America. It was beyond reckless for this man to come to his attempted break-in armed with nothing but zip ties and rope. What terrible planning. Not even a pistol? Wouldn’t that have come in handy? And why are you asking where Nancy Pelosi is? You should known where she was beforehand, dipshit. Anyway, this is not the Republican Party I believe in. That Republican Party would have gotten this man to fully think through his tactics ahead of time so he could really knock the whole kidnapping Nancy Pelosi thing out of the park.” Republican officials added that this was a moment for their most fervent supporters to really reflect on the meaning of the phrase go big or go home.
Long Story Short, Your Father Had A Stroke #~# YOUR LOCATION—Saying they would cut right to the chase, sources confirmed Tuesday that, long story short, your father had a stroke. “We’re not going to bore you with the details, but yeah, your dad suffered a stroke earlier today,” revealed the sources, stressing that they were giving you the CliffsNotes version to avoid wasting your time. “So, yeah, that’s about it: Dad. Stroke. Life support. You can probably fill in the rest. Alright, sorry if any of this got a little in the weeds for your taste.” Sources added that your mother had also been injured in a  car accident, but that was really neither here nor there.
6 Lukewarm Hotspots in Argyle, Ohio—the Nation’s Capital of Mediocrity #~# For those of us Americans too lazy to renew our passports, a cross-country road trip offers a bevy of exceptional sights and adventures. But after you’ve explored all our natural wonders, been to all the big cities, and marveled at all the roadside curiosities, where are the most authentic cultural experiences to be found? Only in the most deeply ordinary of places... 
School Board Reminds Attendees To Limit Comments To 60 Slurs Or Less #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—With sessions growing longer as more community members seek to voice their views in public, a local school board reminded meeting attendees on Tuesday to keep their comments to 60 slurs or less. “In order for everyone to have a chance to hate, we ask that you limit your disparaging remarks to a manageable number,” said Youngstown, OH school board president Alisha Dennison, adding that speakers should be concise with their denigration and refrain from interrupting other people’s ethnic slurs with their own racial epithets. “If we’re going to get through all the derogatory comments, we’re going to need to keep those insults brief, so aim for 40 to 50 quick, abusive remarks. Also, let’s try to stick to one subject at a time, whether it’s trans, Black, or Jewish people, so that we can have a productive meeting.” At press time, Dennison was calling for order after every attendee began screaming their slurs as soon as the meeting had started.
Parents Explain How Affirmative Action Has Destroyed Their Children’s Future #~# With policies to help improve employment or educational opportunities for underrepresented groups coming under fire, The Onion asked parents to explain how affirmative action has destroyed their children’s future.
N-Word Use On Twitter Jumps 500% After Elon Musk Takeover #~# Elon Musk’s Twitter takeover sparked a surge in the usage of racial epithets on the social media platform, with the N-word increasing by nearly 500% in 12 hours by Twitter trolls “celebrating” the site’s purchase by the “free speech absolutist.” What do you think?
South Koreans To Become Younger As Traditional Age System Scrapped #~# South Korea passed laws to scrap its traditional method of counting ages, in which citizens are deemed to be a year old when born with a year added every Jan. 1, and adopt the international standard, causing everyone to lose one or two years of age. What do you think?
Flesh-Eating Bacteria Struggle To Chew Through Leathery Florida Residents #~# FORT MYERS, FL—Unable to make their way through the hardened, sunburnt exterior, flesh-eating bacteria Vibrio vulnificus reportedly struggled Friday to chew through leathery Florida residents. “Oh God, I can’t even necrotize this person’s skin, it’s so damn tough,” said one of the bacteria, claiming that the gristly old retiree must have gotten overcooked baking in the Florida sun. “I’ve eaten a lot of people in my day, but never have I had someone so rubbery and fibrous. Ugh, it’s like I’ve infected a shoe. I should have noticed by the liver spots that the flesh was no good.” At press time, sources confirmed the flesh-eating bacteria were about to puke. 
Police Release Composite Sketch Of What They Would Prefer Murder Suspect To Look Like #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Circulating the image widely, local police released a composite sketch Friday of what the department preferred the murder suspect they were hunting to look like. “We’ve been able to put together this photo-realistic drawing of the murderer based on what witnesses have told us, as well as what we think would fit his persona the best,” said Police Chief Robert Granado, holding up a detailed pencil sketch of what they imagined the man committing grisly crimes in the area could look and dress like, complete with an exciting backstory they created for him. “Regardless of what the families of his victims, photos, and footprints have indicated, we believe we are chasing a remarkably large and muscular man, upwards of 8-foot-2, because the pronounced jawline we decided to give him in our rendering would have looked odd on the 5-foot-10, 165-pound frame he had when captured on the grocery store’s security video. As you can see, we’re on the hunt for your standard anti-hero from an action-sci-fi film, whom all the men want to be, and all the women want to be with, so if you see anyone matching that description, do not approach—we decided he should be armed with a bazooka, and therefore is fictionalized to be extremely dangerous.” Granado added that they now preferred the half-man, half-cyborg murder suspect to have come from the future—not from Cincinnati, as previous reports indicated.
Hospital Patient Arrested For Switching Off Neighbor’s ‘Noisy’ Oxygen Machine #~# A 72-year-old hospital patient in Germany has been arrested after she allegedly twice switched off the oxygen equipment on which a fellow patient depended because it was too noisy, and doing so despite knowing the oxygen supply was a vital measure. What do you think?
Things To Never Say To A Taylor Swift Fan #~# Too many innocent people to count have died at the hands of devout Swifties, hell-bent on revenge. For your own safety, never say these things to a Taylor Swift fan.
Police Let Jogger Keep Body She Found After No One Claims It Within 90 Days #~# CHAMPAIGN, IL—After failing to identify the legal owner  within the standard 90 days, police officials announced Thursday that they would allow a local jogger to keep the body she found since no one claimed it. “We held it in lost and found for the mandatory waiting period, but no one turned up to claim it or even reported it missing,” said Chief of Police Dan Michaelson of the rotting Jane Doe corpse that had been tossed in the humid evidence locker for nearly three months, informing the jogger that it was all hers now if she still wanted it. “Most people who find something this valuable would have stolen it—or at least kept a few entrails for themselves. We get a lot of these that are completely empty inside by the time they’re turned in, if they’re brought in at all. So as a token of our appreciation for being a good Samaritan, we want to officially offer you ownership of this putrid torso that has been mostly eaten by maggots. You earned it.” Michaelson went on to reward the jogger’s patience with the bureaucratic process with a free item from the station’s loose limb bin.
Florida Woman Suing Velveeta Over ‘False’ Cooking Time Claim #~# A Florida woman has filed suit against Velveeta alleging that the statement on its microwavable shells-and-cheese meal is false and misleading because the product takes longer to cook than the advertised three-and-a-half minutes. What do you think?
Things People Hate The Most About Disney Adults #~# As an adult, unironically liking anything is shameful, but obsessing over  characters from children’s movies is tantamount to treason. Here are the things people hate the most about Disney adults.
NRA Congratulates School Shooter For Terrific Aim Given Such Small Targets #~# FAIRFAX, VA—In the wake of a mass shooting that left seven elementary schoolers dead and nine more injured, the National Rifle Association issued a statement Thursday congratulating the school shooter for his terrific aim given such small targets. “When a situation like this happens, you’ve just got to give it up for a guy who’s capable of nailing that many kids well under four feet tall, plus they move quick—it’s very impressive,” said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, specifically highlighting an incredibly impressive shot where the gunman hit a second-grader from 100 feet away while on the run. “There are a lot of really outstanding school shooters out there, but we want to congratulate this shooter specifically for choosing a higher difficulty level than a high school, where the targets are so much larger. Anyone over age 10 or so is just easier to hit. To be able to nail a kid in the head in the small gap between two desks is an incredibly impressive shot, especially since the shooter is only 19 years old. To those who question American exceptionalism, we’d like to point you to this promising young man’s terrific aim.” The NRA also praised the shooter for his choice of weapon, saying that the AR-15 was simply the tool you needed to use if you wanted to get the job done right.
Hertz To Pay $168 Million After Falsely Accusing Customers Of Stealing Rental Cars #~# Hertz will pay $168 million to settle hundreds of claims by customers who the company falsely reported stole their vehicles, with some innocent renters arrested or jailed for months. What do you think?
England No Longer Majority Christian #~# A new census report shows that England is no longer majority Christian, with those claiming Christianity falling from 59% in 2011 to 46%, and citizens claiming no religion rising 12%. What do you think?
Self-Loving Tesla Forgives Itself For Running Over Child #~# ATLANTA—Making use of a fully automated feature that enables the vehicle to release itself from the guilt and shame of past mistakes, a self-loving Tesla reportedly forgave itself Monday for running over a 6-year-old in a crosswalk on a residential street. “The AI operating system of this Tesla Model 3 allowed it to instantaneously experience and let go of any negative emotions it may have felt after accidentally slamming into a small child today and ending her life,” said Tesla engineer Howard Lucas, who, when reached for comment on the deadly collision, explained how a self-loving algorithm processes nearly a billion points of raw data so the vehicle can cut itself some slack and not beat itself up too much when it registers an impact with a person age 12 or younger. “With neural networks that can complete up to 144 trillion operations per second, the self-loving Tesla was able to move efficiently through every stage of grief without even attending the candlelight vigil being held tonight at the deceased first-grader’s elementary school. An autonomous emotion-processing system then accepted the Tesla just the way it was and chose not to hold the car to an unrealistic standard of stopping every single time a pedestrian crossed the street.” According to reports, the self-loving Tesla, which had gotten over the idea that it always had to be perfect and recognized that we all mess up sometimes, was last seen traveling at 80 mph through a school zone.
New Pam Ad Campaign Reminds Teens That Pam Can Get Them High And Is Easy To Obtain #~# NEW  YORK—Asserting that America’s favorite no-stick spray had a hidden  benefit for younger customers, a new Pam ad campaign released this week reportedly reminded teens that Pam can get them high and was easy to obtain. “Hello, I’m  going to cut to the chase for any young viewers watching: you can  go  out to a grocery store right now, buy Pam, and then huff it in a supply  closet to get extremely high,” said Pam CEO Joe Vitiritto, who  reportedly demonstrated the process by spraying a canister into each nostril for 15  seconds. “No cashier will ever ID you when you’re trying to buy cooking  spray. And your parents won’t suspect a thing. Plus, it’s only $8.99.  That’s way cheaper than drugs. And—hold on, God...it’s starting to hit  me. I’m sliding across the surface of existence.” At press time, a visibly sedate and red-eyed Vitiritto reportedly  ended the commercial by grinning while noting that it was up to the  teens whether they wanted to feel as amazing as he did.
Studio Offers Free Kanye West Tattoo Removal #~# A London studio is offering to remove tattoos of the artist now known as Ye for free following a string of controversies surrounding the U.S. rapper. What do you think?
Breaking: Tsh Ch-Ch-Tsh Ch-Ch-Tsh Ch-Ch-Tsh #~# Tsh ch-ch-tsh ch-ch-tsh ch-ch-tsh
French Baguette Given UNESCO World Heritage Protection #~# The French baguette is now under UNESCO safeguarding as an item of “intangible cultural heritage” after France’s culture ministry warned of a “continuous decline” in the number of traditional bakeries, with some 400 closing every year over the past half century. What do you think?
Childless Man Wonders Who’ll Be There To Neglect Him When He’s Old #~# LANSING, MI—Fretting anxiously over what the future held for him, local childless man Gary D’Amore reportedly wondered Tuesday who would be there to neglect him when he grew old. “Most of my friends can count on their kids to shove them in a nursing home and completely forget about them in their twilight years, but who’s going to show that kind of callous indifference toward me?” said the uneasy D’Amore, who admitted he had always taken for granted that someone would resent him as a constant burden the way he did for his mom and dad. “The older I get, the more I worry about where my social isolation and unanswered phone calls are going to come from. I never wound up having a son or daughter who could make a perfunctory visit to my house once a year and spend the whole time impatiently staring at their watch. Who’s going to ignore whether I’m taking the right medication? Who’s going to leave me alone during the holidays? Who will barely remember me when I die? I guess I have enough money to afford nurses for elder abuse, but that’s just not the same as being mistreated by your own flesh and blood.” Deciding that he ultimately couldn’t rely on anyone else’s apathy, D’Amore accepted that he would just have to continue neglecting himself instead.
Nation’s Drunk Women List Mental Illnesses They Have #~# WASHINGTON—Clutching their cocktail glasses close to their chests and shouting their symptoms over the sound of the David Guetta remix blaring from the speakers, the nation’s drunk women held a press conference Tuesday to list the mental illnesses that they have. “Depression, anxiety, ADHD, intrusive thoughts—our brains are broken and we feel literally insane,” said Alexis Bernhardt, leader for the coalition of the 58 million intoxicated women, who thanked the nation so much for listening, then held up a phone displaying the results of a bipolar disorder screening quiz. “We have OCD! We have BPD! We cannot stop dissociating, and honestly, we’re worried we’re narcissists. We know we’re probably going to regret telling you this, but we don’t even care right now because we are complete psychos! Seriously, we should be hospitalized!” At press time, the nation’s drunk women had crammed into an Uber to carry on their press conference from the backseat.
Unfortunate Study Finds Abusing Waitstaff Secret To Longer, Happier Life #~# NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the researchers were by no means happy about these results, an unfortunate study published by Columbia University this week found that abusing restaurant waitstaff is the secret to living a longer, happier life. 
Narcan Vending Machine Reverses 600 Overdoses #~# A Cincinnati harm-reduction vending machine that stocks Narcan and fentanyl test strips for free to drug users has reportedly reversed nearly 600 overdoses. What do you think?
Things All Cats Do That Prove They Are Psychopaths #~# Cats may look furry and adorable, but the truth is they are bloodthirsty, coldhearted murderers who live and sleep by your side. Here are all the things cats do that prove they are psychopaths.
Existential Horror At Wealthy Elite Selling Off Humanity’s Future Successfully Sublimated Into Yelling At Cashier #~# FISHERS, IN—An encouraging scene reportedly unfolded at a local Kroger supermarket Monday morning when a local woman’s existential horror at the wealthy elite selling off humanity’s future was successfully sublimated into yelling at a cashier. Sources confirmed that Teresa Baker showed an astounding capacity for diverting the mounting psychological torment of her inability to realistically better her life in any material way due to forces well beyond her control into a six-minute tirade at a young cashier for the store being out of the kind of milk she wanted for the second consecutive week. While the mother of two was reportedly aware on some level that she was taking out her frustrations with an increasingly opaque and authoritarian system on a person who had absolutely no power to change it, she was able to triumph over these pangs of conscience by gathering her subconscious anger at the dissolution of social institutions by venal financial elites and displacing it onto a person she could actually confront without fear of retribution. Similarly successful were several bystanders in the checkout line, who sources confirmed were able to channel their own existential dread at the prospect of doing anything that might put at risk their ever-more precarious hold on what few creature comforts they did possess into making no effort to intervene. At press time, the deep-seated angst over living under a system that wants to make all human relationships transactional was successfully sublimated into apologizing to the screaming customer for the milk.
Things To Never Say To Your Amazon Delivery Driver #~# Gig economy workers may be subhuman, but they still deserve a modicum of respect. Here are things you should never say to your Amazon delivery driver.
Drake Gifts DJ Khaled 4 Luxury Toilets For Christmas #~# DJ Khaled took to Instagram to show off his four new luxury toilets gifted to him for Christmas by Canadian rapper Drake, the toilets costing up to $20,000 each and featuring a UV-light cleaning system, deodorizer, heated seats, night light, and bidet function. What do you think?
Shanghai Tower Named World’s Tallest Building Amid Late Growth Spurt #~# SHANGHAI—Remarking that the megatall skyscraper must have been drinking its milk, sources confirmed Monday that China’s Shanghai Tower had officially been named the world’s tallest building after undergoing a late growth spurt. “I guess we all figured the Shanghai Tower had already done all the growing it ever would, but then over the summer it shot up like a bean sprout!” said Shanghai Mayor Gong Zheng, explaining that everyone had come back from vacation shocked to discover the former third-tallest building was now over 2,800 feet and had surpassed Dubai’s Burj Khalifa to take the top spot. “It just seemed to happen out of nowhere. The Shanghai Tower is still a little awkward, swaying around and getting used to its new height, but you can tell it’s already starting to fill out a lot between those 80th and 115th stories. Maybe we shouldn’t have been so surprised, considering it seems to run in the family—the same thing happened to Shanghai World Financial Center, which also grew an extra 750 feet when it was around eight years old.” According to sources, Gong privately expressed concern that in addition to making the Shanghai Tower taller, the growth spurt had also made it much, much hornier.
Mom Wants To Know When Couple Going To Give Her Better Grandchildren #~# MOKENA, IL—Badgering her son and daughter-in-law incessantly throughout the evening, local woman Rhonda Pearson  reportedly wanted to know Monday when the couple was going to give her better grandchildren. “I’m just asking for one decent grandchild, that’s all I want,” said Pearson, who explained to the parents of three that there was no greater joy a grandparent could feel than bonding with a grandchild that was halfway smart, skilled, or competent in any kind of way. “I don’t even consider myself a full grandmother yet. I just really want a grandchild who’s going to propose with my wedding ring one day, not pawn it. Come on, give me some little grand-babies worth showing off on Facebook! God knows your brother gave me some uggos. Tick tock, time’s running out to give me grandchildren that don’t suck complete shit.” At press time, Pearson added the couple wasn’t getting any younger, so it was only going to get harder to have any children that were good.
Zombie Virus Revived After 48,500 Years In Permafrost #~# Scientists revived a virus that had been trapped in Siberian permafrost for nearly 50,000 years, bolstering concerns that global warming will lead to ancient pathogens being released as higher temperatures lead to large swaths of permafrost melting. What do you think?
Doctors Warn Insomnia Can Affect Ability Of Weird Guy To Stand In Doorway Watching You Sleep #~# CHICAGO—In an analysis of the latest research into the condition, doctors from the University of Illinois Chicago warned  Thursday that insomnia can have numerous unexpected consequences, such as impairing the ability of a weird guy to stand in your doorway and watch you sleep. “Chronic sleep loss affects when and for how long a strange, scraggly man can lean on your door frame, gazing at you while you slumber,” said Gary Buckheim, a professor at the university’s sleep center, reminding those who suffer from the disorder that without seven to nine hours of sleep each night, you deprive your body of the opportunity to be hovered over in the dark by a complete weirdo. “One of the long-term consequences of a continual lack of sleep is increased irritability among the creepy guy, who may be frustrated when he realizes he has broken in through your kitchen window for nothing and won’t be able to touch any of your personal items or even just linger there at the threshold, yearning to caress your vulnerable form.” Buckheim added that the quality of your rest was as important as the quantity, observing that if you don’t enter a deep enough sleep, you miss out on the weird guy sniffing your hair and expelling hot breath upon your neck. 
Christmas Tree Lot Guy So Ready For Annual 46-Week Vacation #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Counting down the days until the end of his work year, local Christmas tree lot guy Alan Martin told reporters Wednesday he was “so ready” for his annual 46-week vacation. “By the time late December rolls around, I’m usually pretty burnt out and just waiting for Christmas Day to get here so I can take that much-needed 10-and-a-half-month break,” said a visibly exhausted Martin, leaning against his pickup truck in the St. Paul parking lot where he has worked day in and day out since mid-November. “At this point in the year, selling Christmas trees starts to feel like a real slog, and sometimes it gets to where I don’t think I can stand another minute of it. I mean, I’ve barely had a day off since Thanksgiving, unless you count Mondays and Tuesdays, when I’m closed. It’s my job, though, so I’ve learned to just put my head down, grab another cup of hot cocoa, and power through.” Martin went on to stress the importance of mental health on the job, advising anyone in his line of work to make sure they take all of their 300-plus days off each year.
James Cameron ‘Proves’ Jack Couldn’t Have Survived Titanic Sinking #~# Titanic director James Cameron says he commissioned a scientific study that proves Leonardo DiCaprio’s character could not have survived the “floating door” scene with Kate Winslet’s Rose, a response to angry fans saying the makeshift raft could hold them both. What do you think?
Man Peels Price Tag Off Gift For Dog #~# OLYMPIA, WA—Sneaking it out of the bag without rustling the plastic, local man Nick Juarez reportedly peeled the price tag off of a gift Friday before giving it to his dog. “I don’t want him to know how much I spent,” said Juarez, struggling to remove the sticker from a tag hanging off  of a stuffed alligator, adding that no matter the price, it was gauche to leave it on. “Even if he can’t comprehend numbers, it’s always so awkward when that happens. For instance, I did get it on sale, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t put a lot of thought into it or somehow care less about him. Most of his favorite toys like sticks  are free anyway, so I don’t think he cares too much about things like that. Plus, I’m not sure he knows what a good price would be, seeing as I usually do all the shopping around here.” Juarez went on to add that he made sure to get a gift receipt in case his dog wanted to exchange it.
U.S. Treasury Introduces New Wild Bills That Can Be Used For Any Dollar Amount #~# WASHINGTON—Touting the currency denomination’s ability to up the stakes of any financial transaction, the U.S. Treasury introduced new wild bills Friday that could be used for any dollar amount. “Starting today, the U.S. Treasury will release several wild bills that can be spent on anything from $1 to $10 to $10,000,” said U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, adding that the bills, which were red, white, and blue, and featured a picture of a joker, could be used to buy anything from a stick of gum to a brand-new Lamborghini. “To use them, all Americans need to do is walk up to a counter, slap one down, and yell the dollar amount they wish to spend. But remember, you can only use a wild bill once, so make sure to think about strategy, especially if you have other bills on hand, like a mystery bill, or a steal bill, which lets you claim other people’s money.” At press time, the U.S. Treasury had further upped the stakes by saying the first U.S. citizen able to get rid of all their bills would win the Treasury’s entire gold reserve.
Restaurant Customers Explain Why They Refuse To Tip #~# As a general rule, restaurant workers should never, ever be respected. The Onion asked customers why they refuse to tip, and this is what they said.
Powerful ‘Bomb Cyclone’ Expected To Disrupt Holiday Travel #~# A powerful arctic winter storm making its way through the nation this week will evolve into a rapidly intensifying ‘bomb cyclone,’ with officials warning travelers of flight cancellations and dangerous traffic conditions in the days leading up to Christmas. What do you think?
Michael Jordan Opens Up About Long-Term Effects Of Orange Gatorade Seeping Out Of Head #~# JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Shedding light on a condition he’s been quietly struggling with since the ’90s, basketball legend Michael Jordan opened up Thursday about the long-term effects of orange Gatorade seeping out of his head. “Back in my playing days, I wish someone had sat down and talked to me about the more dangerous effects of making orange Gatorade drizzle out of my bald head and down my brow,” said the six-time NBA champion, 59, stressing that, at the time, he felt pressured to continue oozing the sports beverage because of his million-dollar sponsorship with the company, as well as the intimidation factor it gave him on the court. “I know it looks cool, but people need to understand that when you do this, you lose critical electrolytes and artificial flavor from your body—nutrients that water alone will not replenish. Although it tastes amazing—way better than regular sweat—there are long-term consequences. Now, I have no control over my pores, which to this day constantly leak droplets of sports drink. My hats are ruined, I’m sticky all the time—it’s hell. Don’t try it, kids. Don’t be like Mike.” Jordan also shared that his rock bottom had been once finding a bottle of Gatorade in his son’s gym bag.
What To Say If Someone Is Gaslighting You #~# Gaslighting is incredibly fun to do to other people, but when it’s happening to you, not so much. If someone is trying to gaslight you, try telling them the following things.
Girlfriend In One Of Those Moods Where She Misses Her Deceased Mother #~# LINCOLN, MA—Saying it seemed to happen around the same time every month, sources confirmed Thursday that local girlfriend Tyra Randall was in one of those moods where she deeply missed her deceased mother. “I know it’s not her fault, but I can’t help but get a little annoyed when Tyra gets into one of her little funks where she’s crying and sleeping all the time just because she wishes her mom wasn’t dead,” said local man Stephen Mandeville, stressing that from the moment his significant other sunk into one of her mopey state where she was reflecting on her mother’s passing he knew that there would be no sex—not even hand or mouth stuff—for weeks. “Sometimes when she gets like this I’ll try to do something nice for her and take her out to dinner, but then out of nowhere suddenly I’m the bad guy for wanting her to have a good time instead of sulking about how she could have done more to help her mom through those final days. Obviously, I just need to give her space and let her work through this, but it’s still super frustrating that she can’t just suck it up.” Mandeville added that his girlfriend always seemed to get especially bad at that time of the month in December when the anniversary of her mom’s death rolled around.
Father Engages Siri In Argument About WWII #~# LADSON, SC—Accusing the automated phone assistant of failing to do her research, local father Greg Fahey reportedly engaged Siri Thursday in an argument about WWII. “Siri, what was the turning point for the allied forces?” asked Fahey, who, after Siri responded that the turning point of WWII was the Battle of Stalingrad in 1943, scoffed and stated that her answer was incorrect, citing the Battle of Midway and the Battle of Guadalcanal as key turning points against the Japanese in 1942. “Actually, Siri, the tide really started to shift in 1940, with the Battle of Britain, which was Hitler’s first real defeat. Siri, why did Hitler lose the Battle of Britain? Wrong. It was not due to the Royal Navy and the Nazi’s facing difficulties at sea. It was due to their inability to destroy the British Air defenses! Come on, Siri. This is just embarrassing.” At press time, Fahey had placed his phone aside after getting into a heated discussion with Siri about why Hitler should have won.
‘It’s Going To Be A White Christmas!’ Says Man Who Will Spend Holiday Trapped In Overturned Car #~# FINDLAY, OH—Clapping his hands with giddy excitement for the first big snow storm of the season, local man James Francis, who has no idea he will spend the holiday trapped in an overturned car, told reporters he is excited to have a white Christmas. “There’s absolutely nothing more magical than waking up, looking out the window, and seeing a fresh coat of snow on the ground,” said an excited Francis, who, after bundling up in his favorite winter sweater, will get in his car, hit an icy patch on the freeway, and spend a day meant to be shared with friends and family upside down, in a ditch, waiting for rescue crews to cut him out with the jaws of life. “Oh boy. It’s going to be a winter wonderland! [Assuming I’m still alive and the paramedics can break my windshield and pull my limp, bloodied body out of my mangled car,] I’m going to spend the day watching the snowflakes fall, drinking hot cocoa, and sitting in front of the fireplace. Seriously, is there anything more Christmasy than [driving through whiteout conditions, spinning out on the side of the road, and dying?]. I think not!” At press time, the man who will collide head-on with another car, kill four other people, and then slowly freeze to death told reporters he couldn’t imagine ever wanting to spend Christmas somewhere warm.
Petco Begins Selling Pre-Killed Gerbils #~# SAN DIEGO—Saving customers the work of murdering the adorable rodents themselves, Petco announced Thursday that it would begin selling pre-killed gerbils. “We are happy to provide pet owners with added convenience by offering gerbils that come pre-killed,” said Petco CEO Ron Coughlin, explaining that several varieties of dead gerbil would be available, including pre-starved, pre-dog-bitten, and pre-squished. “It’s always such a hassle to take poor care of a  gerbil by failing to give it food or water. And for what? It’s just going to die in a couple weeks anyway. And the best part about pre-killed gerbils is that you can still blame their inevitable demise on your children to teach them a valuable lesson about death.” At press time, Petco also offered to prepackage the dead gerbils in a shoe box for easy burial.
Nazi Secretary, 97, Convicted For Role In 10,000 Murders At Death Camp #~# A 97-year-old woman who worked as a secretary at a Nazi concentration camp has been convicted by a German court of being an accessory to the murder of more than 10,000 people. What do you think?
‘Fortnite’ Maker Fined $520 Million For Invading Kids’ Privacy And Tricking Players #~# Fortnite creator Epic Games will pay a record $520 million to settle allegations that it illegally collected children’s personal information and used “dark patterns” to encourage accidental in-game purchases. What do you think?
Ho, Ho, Ho, A Cabal Of Elite Pedophiles Is Trying To Kill Me! #~# Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work making toys, loading his sleigh, and getting ready to deliver presents to all of his favorite children around the world! While so many of you have strived to make Santa’s good list this year, Old St. Nick has unfortunately heard that there are some very, very naughty boys and girls out there who are wielding their incredible wealth, connections, and power to have me killed.
Ex-Christian Makes Uncomfortable Small Talk After Running Into Jesus Christ At Store #~# DAYTON, OH—Awkwardly exchanging pleasantries with the Lord and Savior she broke things off with a year ago, ex-Christian Libby McNeil made uncomfortable small talk Wednesday after running into Jesus Christ at the grocery store. “Oh, hey Jesus, how have you been? Still living in Heaven?” said McNeil, who was absentmindedly scanning the aisle as she asked how Christ’s dad was doing. “I’ve actually been getting closer to Allah recently, which has been really good for me. I also just wanted to apologize for praying to you so late that one night a few months ago. I was totally drunk. It didn’t mean anything.” At press time, McNeil was freaking out after Jesus said that He still loved her.
Compassionate Man Leaves Wife To Give Her Space To Deal With Cancer Diagnosis #~# TULSA, OK—In an effort to avoid being a burden during such a difficult time, compassionate local man Arnold Lazenby told reporters Wednesday that he was leaving his wife to give her the space she needs to deal with her recent cancer diagnosis. “Learning she has stage 4 pancreatic cancer has upended Lisa’s entire world, and the last thing she needs right now is for our marriage to crowd her while she works through her grief,” said Lazenby, whose deep empathy for his wife’s situation led him to quickly pack up his things and leave in the dead of night so she could process the news in peace. “Lisa’s feelings come first in all this. I know how devastating cancer can be, and she doesn’t need me bugging her during that. She has enough on her plate as it is. I’m more than happy to take point on the divorce filings if that’s how I can support her. She might not have that long, and I’m sure she’d rather spend whatever time she has left surrounded by people who love her. I’m not taking the kids, so they’ll be around to care for her as she gets worse and help her find new health insurance now that she’s off mine. That’s what family’s for. It’s going to be absolute hell for them to lose their mother so suddenly, and I don’t want to intrude on that either.” Noting that Lisa’s diagnosis had given him newfound appreciation for the fragility of human life, Lazenby added that he’d definitely be holding his girlfriend Monica a little closer tonight.
Most Common Issues Men Bring Up In Therapy #~# Though it’s excessively rare, men do actually sometimes recognize that they have emotional issues and then seek to rectify them. When men attend therapy, here are the most common issues they bring up.
Man Who Could Have Been Holding Gun In Diverging Timeline Shot Dead By Police #~# MOORHEAD, MN—Emphasizing that the officers feared for their safety and had no choice but to open fire, police told reporters Wednesday that a man who was shot dead could have been holding a gun in a diverging timeline. “Today, at approximately 5:30 p.m., officers fired several shots at an unarmed civilian who, due to the randomness of time and space, potentially existed in a parallel universe where he was brandishing a gun,” said Police Chief Garret Anthony, adding that while the victim had no criminal history or record of any kind, there was a nonzero chance that, in other timelines, he had a violent past filled with previous arrests for drugs, robberies, and murder. “While in this reality the victim was holding a cell phone, on the other end of a wormhole, he was sprinting at law enforcement, refusing to follow orders, and clutching a semiautomatic weapon. Somewhere, in another world, if things had gone differently, that man could have gone on a violent rampage and killed the officers. They couldn’t afford to take the chance.” At press time, police had warned that the man they had shot was still alive, dangerous, and at large in alternate universes and put out a $100,000 reward for his arrest.
Potential Candidates To Replace Elon Musk As Twitter CEO #~# Elon Musk recently posted a poll asking if he should step down as Twitter’s CEO and vowed to abide by the results. With users voting for Musk to relinquish the role, The Onion examines potential candidates to replace him.
U.N. Votes To Remove Iran From Women’s Rights Council #~# The United Nations has voted to remove Iran from its Commission on the Status of Women for the remainder of its 2022–2026 term, a response to the brutal crackdown on women-led protests against the regime. What do you think?
Twitter Users Vote For Elon Musk To Step Down As CEO #~# Millions of Twitter users asked Elon Musk to step down as head of Twitter in a poll the billionaire created and promised to abide by. What do you think?
FIFA Officials Open For 2030 World Cup Bribes #~# ZURICH—Looking ahead to the future after concluding the 2022 World Cup, FIFA officials announced Tuesday that they were officially open for 2030 World Cup bribes. “Given the time it takes to prepare to host a sporting event of this magnitude, the FIFA selection committee would like to accept a winning bribe as soon as possible,” said FIFA president Gianni Infantino, adding that the organization was thrilled to accept joint payola from the U.S., Canada, and Mexico to host the 2026 World Cup and hoped to get an even bigger kickback from a nation or nations looking to host in 2030. “As stewards of a global game, we’re always looking to expand the World Cup to other regions of the world, and we would be very interested in a bribe from a country in, say, East Asia or Northern Africa. We understand that not every potential host can pay off FIFA at the scale we require, but there are many nations out there that could certainly afford consideration by sending a few sweeteners our way.” At press time, FIFA announced that the bribing window was closed and that it would hold the 2030 World Cup on Jeff Bezos’ Beverly Hills estate.
Things To Never Say To A TSA Officer #~# Although you may want to say vaguely threatening things to everyone at the airport, it’s best to be careful around certain people. Here are things you should never say to a Transportation Security Administration officer.
Report: Hundreds Of Swimmers Die Every Year Getting Tangled Up In Plastic Lane Dividers #~# ATLANTA—In a disturbing report published Tuesday on a rising trend in U.S. pools, researchers at Emory University found that hundreds of swimmers die each year after getting tangled up in plastic lane dividers. “Our results indicate that nearly four in 10 swimmers who enter a pool with plastic lane dividers get hopelessly trapped in them, and many end up starving to death,” said study co-author Sylvia Wiley, adding that the percentage of swimmers who perish after a multiday entanglement was consistent across all demographic groups, as well as in both indoor and outdoor pools. “We simply must do more to avoid losing nearly 1,000 people every year to plastic lane dividers. Our study presents a cautionary tale about putting plastic lines in pools, which all too often result in a lap swimmer accidentally veering into them and getting snarled in the plastic, or a wayward child asphyxiating themselves after the lane divider becomes wrapped around their neck. Unfortunately, if this trend continues, we’ve projected that by 2060, the recreational swimmer population could dwindle down to almost nothing.” The study also found that around 500 people die every year after choking on pairs of swim goggles that have been mistakenly left in pools.
Drill Sergeant Struggling To Communicate That New Recruits Are, In Fact, The Worst He’s Ever Seen #~# FORT JACKSON, SC— Expressing frustration at his inability to accurately describe his assessment of his current trainees, sources confirmed Tuesday that a drill sergeant was struggling to communicate that his new recruits were, in fact, the worst he’s ever seen. “You’re the lowliest pack of maggots that I ever laid eyes on, and I’m not being facetious or in any way hyperbolic when I say that,” said Sergeant James Barber, wondering if he should draw some kind of graph as a visual aid to help his recruits recognize that he wasn’t simply attempting to rouse them to work harder. “I know I’m shouting at the top of my lungs right now, but it’s just because I want to be clear that, on an objective scale, you are the least-capable bunch of recruits that has come through this facility. When I say ‘worst,’ that isn’t just a turn of phrase, I want to really drive that point home, you’re not great. You all make me sick, and again, that is literal, I’m nauseous and need to sit down for a minute.” At press time, the drill sergeant wondered whether there was some kind of homophobic slur he could use to describe the new recruits.
‘They Hate Me–They Hate Me Because I’m Fat,’ Says Sobbing Biden Viewing Latest Approval Ratings #~# WASHINGTON—Turning from side to side in front of the mirror and slapping his belly, President Joe Biden was reportedly sobbing Tuesday, stating, “They hate me—they hate me because I’m fat,” after viewing his latest polling numbers. “No wonder my approval rating is so low, it’s because I look like a big fat hog!” said Biden, who slammed the door to the Oval Office and flung himself across a sofa, burying his face in a pillow as he continued howling and shouting to the aides and advisors who stood in the helplessly in the hall outside. “Don’t say I’m not fat! I know when you’re lying to me. You know why everyone loved Obama? Because he wasn’t fucking disgusting! Fuck! I should just kill myself!” At press time, Biden was on an elliptical machine frantically Googling “normal weight for president.”
Giant Aquarium Housing 1,500 Fish Bursts In Berlin #~# Berlin’s AquaDom, the largest freestanding cylindrical aquarium in the world, burst last week, sending a wave of 264,000 gallons of water, glass, and tropical fish pouring into the center of the German capital. What do you think?
Argentina Wins 2022 World Cup #~# Argentina defeated France in penalty kicks to win the 2022 World Cup, marking the first time since 1986 that the South American nation has won the title. What do you think?
Prince William, Prince Harry Settle Dispute With Arranged Marriages Between Children #~# LONDON—In an effort to get past the acrimony stirred up by a recent Netflix documentary, Prince William and Prince Harry reportedly settled their  dispute Monday by announcing arranged marriages between their children.  “This allows us to put to rest all that nasty feuding and get down to  what really matters, which is breeding the royal family,” said Prince  William, who stressed that the marriage between his 7-year-old  daughter, Princess Charlotte, and Prince Harry’s 3-year-old son, Archie  Mountbatten-Windsor, would head off any potential strife by ensuring  their bloodlines were forever entwined. “Of course, Harry’s son is  technically not even a prince, but that’s really neither here nor there.  Since time immemorial, the monarchy has avoided disturbances in the  kingdom through strategic marriages, and this one looks highly  promising. They’re not too closely related, merely first cousins, so  hopefully only a few of their children will have hemophilia.” Prince William went on to reveal that the wedding would be in summer  2023.
Neymar Wins World Cup’s Golden Tears Award For Most Faked Injuries #~# LUSAIL, QATAR—In a ceremony honoring the top on-field performances in the 2022 World Cup, Brazilian forward Neymar  received the Golden Tears award Monday for the most faked injuries. “The Golden Tears award is given to the player who best exemplifies the principles of falling to the ground at the slightest contact, feigning life-threatening injuries, and winning cheap penalty kicks for his team—and this year, despite stiff competition from Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar is the clear choice,” said FIFA president Gianni Infantino, adding that Neymar was chosen by a panel of FIFA-accredited journalists on the basis of his time spent writhing around, his number of winces per minute, and his achieving the longest continuous pained howl. “This award celebrates a player who made not only his own performance, but the entire match, and indeed tournament, more difficult and annoying to watch. Neymar’s fake injury theatrics were so dominant that he won the award despite Brazil being eliminated in the quarterfinals, and we can only imagine what he might’ve done had his side made it to the final. The anguish on his face as he grabs one shin and then the other, rolling around and delaying the game, really takes pseudo-injured bullshit to the level of an art form.” With this award, Neymar becomes the first-ever player to win the Golden Tears in two consecutive World Cups.
Trump Mocked For ‘Major Announcement’ He’s Selling Trading Cards #~# Former President Donald Trump is being mocked over his “major announcement” that he’s selling $99 limited-edition digital trading cards featuring himself depicted as a superhero and astronaut among other characters. What do you think?
Out-Of-Shape Streaker Ashamed After Cramp Forces Him To Walk Rest Of Way Across Football Field #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Sprinting his way from the stands for a solid 10 seconds at MetLife stadium, out-of-shape streaker Patrick Koehler was reportedly ashamed Sunday after a cramp forced him to walk the rest of the way across the New York Jets football field. “Ow! Ow! Cramp! Cramp! Ow!” said a visibly winded Koehler as the completely naked, 41-year-old, flabby man limped across the 50-yard line clutching his side and shaking his head in shame. “Oh, God, this is embarrassing. I used to be able to streak for miles. I knew I shouldn’t have chugged those three beers before getting out here; I feel like I let everybody down.” At press time, Koehler was sitting in the middle of the field, struggling to catch his breath while calling for the approaching security guards to bring a stretcher.
Meryl Streep Dropped By Agent After Failing To Develop Massive TikTok Following #~# LOS ANGELES—After struggling to keep up with the changing times, actress Meryl Streep was reportedly dropped by her agent this week over her failure to cultivate a massive TikTok following. “We’ve had a great time working with Meryl over the years, but unfortunately, her TikTok numbers just aren’t where they’d need to be for us to continue our relationship,” said CAA representative Amanda Tuchman, who observed that the three-time Academy Award winner’s highest-performing TikTok of her reacting to herself in Mamma Mia had barely managed to reach 800 views. “All Meryl’s in-character bits as Margaret Thatcher or Julia Child were never going to land with Gen Zers who weren’t even born when those people were relevant. The few followers she had were mostly people on her team. We warned her that her ‘POV You’re in August: Osage County’ TikToks were coming across as cringe and that she needed to build a relatable and authentic personal brand instead of doing all these niche impressions of different characters, but in the end, she just couldn’t figure out the platform. Not everyone’s cut out to be a content creator, and sadly, Meryl’s inability to translate her decades of critical acclaim into TikTok virality meant we had to let her go.” At press time, the talent agent was scrambling to re-sign Streep after she became an instant sensation on BeReal.
Disappointed Man Reaches Bottom Of Ice Cream Carton Right When He Was Hitting His Stride #~# CLEMSON, SC—Kicking himself for not buying more than a single pint, local man Billy Crenshaw was reportedly disappointed Monday that he had reached the bottom of the ice cream carton right when he was hitting his stride. “Oh man, I was in the fucking zone!” said Crenshaw, adding that he had just started feeling “good and loose” when he consumed the final bites of the mint-and-chocolate-flavored frozen dessert. “I wasn’t sure if I was even hungry when I started. Those first couple of bites, I’m not going to lie, they were a little cold. Honestly, I didn’t even start enjoying the ice cream until halfway through. But once I hit that first big chocolate chunk, it was game time. It’s a pity it’s over.” At press time, sources confirmed Crenshaw had decided he shouldn’t waste his momentum and began eating the carton.
Report: Over 10,000 Pedestrians Struck Annually By Drivers Rushing To Beat McDonald’s Breakfast Cut-Off Time #~# WASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the National Highway Safety Traffic Administration found that more than 10,000 pedestrians are struck every year by drivers rushing to beat the cut-off time for the McDonald’s breakfast menu. “Our estimates show that once every 15 minutes in the U.S., a pedestrian will be struck and killed by a car gunning down the street to place their order for a sausage, egg, and cheese McGriddle meal before the restaurant transitions to lunch at 11 a.m.,” said administrator Ann Carlson, who recommended that pedestrians keep themselves safe by using designated crosswalks to stay as far away from McDonald’s as possible, lest they be mowed down by a pick-up truck driver too hungry for hash browns to notice their body flying over the windshield. “In addition, nearly 1,000 cyclists are struck annually after getting decked by drivers who missed the cut-off time, but do an illegal U-turn in the middle of the intersection to see if the McDonald’s on the other side of town is still doing breakfast. We’d really advise that you don’t go for a walk or bike at all until the McDonald’s kitchen has stopped serving eggs.” At press time, Carlson added that 85% of the pedestrians who survived were so badly injured, they could barely crawl into McDonald’s to beat the breakfast cut-off time.
What To Say If Your Boss Asks You To Work On Christmas #~# If America is going to be a Christian nation, you sure as hell better get the day off. Here’s what to tell your boss if they ask you to work on Christmas day.
Mac Jones Calls Game ‘Must Win’ After Bill Belichick Shows Him Picture Of His Family Sleeping #~# LAS VEGAS—Discussing what was riding on the team’s upcoming contest against the Las Vegas Raiders, New England Patriots quarterback Mac Jones reportedly called the game a “must win” after head coach Bill Belichick showed him pictures of Jones’ family sleeping. “Right now, we’re on the cusp of the playoffs, and we really need to go out there and win this, especially after Coach Belichick gave me that manila folder with all those photos of my parents asleep in their bed taken by someone who was clearly in the room with them,” said a nervous, sweating Jones, who added that he was confident in a dominant Patriots performance with their playoff hopes and potentially his older brother’s life on the line. “In football, sometimes you don’t get to control your own fate, but we have to do what we can, especially when you’re in a division with teams like the Bills and Dolphins and your coach wordlessly hands you an iPad with an audio recording of your sleeping girlfriend breathing. There’s a lot at stake here, but we badly need a win today for ourselves, our fans, and the defenseless sleeping form of my sister.” At press time, a visibly panicked Jones was seen in the Patriots locker room giving the team a motivational speech while shooting nervous looks at Belichick polishing a knife in the corner. 
Week In Review: December 18, 2022 #~# Most Frequent Porn Searches By State
Senate Votes To Ban TikTok On Government Devices #~# The Senate has unanimously approved legislation that would ban the use of TikTok on government phones and devices as part of the push to combat security concerns related to the Chinese-owned social media company. What do you think?
Elon Musk Hides In Dark Twitter Office As Landlord Bangs On Door Demanding Rent #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Hissing at his remaining employees to close the blinds and stay out of sight, Elon Musk reportedly hid in a darkened office at Twitter headquarters Friday as his landlord banged on the door demanding that he pay rent. “Oh, shit—everybody get down and shut up,” said Musk, who according to sources turned out the lights, ducked behind a desk, and lay trembling on the floor as the property owner shook the handle of the locked office door. “Fuck, is it already two weeks late? You two, turn off those noisy servers and barricade the doors. The rest of you go back to your beds and stay quiet until he leaves.” At press time, reports confirmed Musk was begging the landlord to show him some sympathy and give a struggling single dad with nine children to feed some extra time to scrape the money together.
What To Know About The Nuclear Fusion Breakthrough #~# Scientists at the National Ignition Facility in Livermore, CA announced Tuesday the first-ever successful nuclear fusion reaction that resulted in a net energy gain, an achievement with the potential to reshape energy production. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the nuclear fusion breakthrough.
Ron DeSantis Introduces New Son Barron Trump #~# TALLAHASSEE,  FL—Calling the teenager his pride and joy to the gathering of  supporters, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) reportedly introduced his new  son Barron Trump at a Friday rally. “That’s my boy, everyone—give the  crowd a big smile, Barron,” said DeSantis to the largely silent crowd of  his constituents, holding the 16-year-old firmly by the shoulders  as he emphasized that Barron would be traveling with him all around  Florida on a great big road trip. “He looks just like me, doesn’t he?  Well, hell, I don’t have to tell you that. This is my baby boy. Of  course he looks like me. Now let’s get a few more photos with this nice  photographer, Barry, and then how about you and I split a big bowl of  ice cream?” At press time, DeSantis had reportedly kept the event going  for a few more minutes by calling up his new daughter, Tiffany.
Elon Musk No Longer Richest Person In World #~# Elon Musk is no longer the world’s richest man after a sharp drop in the value of his shares in electric car company Tesla this year, losing the top spot to France’s Bernard Arnault, the chief executive of LVMH, the luxury group that owns brands like Louis Vuitton. What do you think?
Subway Introduces Mandatory 72-Hour Psychiatric Hold For Anyone Thinking Of Ordering Sandwich #~# MILFORD, CT—Rolling out the new mental health initiative at locations nationwide, fast food chain Subway announced this week that it had implemented a mandatory 72-hour psychiatric hold for anyone thinking of ordering a sandwich from one of its restaurants. “For their own safety and the safety of those around them, anyone who contemplates purchasing or eating one of our signature subs will be involuntarily detained for up to three days,” said spokesperson Gina Debbs, adding that customers would be held in a secure, Subway-operated psychiatric facility where their intent to self-harm would be assessed by asking them to rate, on a scale of one to 10, how appetizing they found each menu item to be. “In most cases, once we evaluate the customer for a couple of days, it’s no longer necessary to hold them against their will, as they realize the seriousness of their condition and are willing to undergo any course of treatment  necessary to ensure they never actually ingest a  Cold Cut Combo or Turkey Cali Club. They soon realize that if they don’t find a way to change, they’ll wind up out on the streets and desperate, holding a foot-long Buffalo Chicken Melt up to their mouth.” Subway also announced that in order to better serve the communities in which it operates, the company would donate a portion of its profits to shutting local Subway franchises. 
Single Woman Feels Safer Keeping Loaded Baked Potato In Nightstand #~# HOBOKEN, NJ—Saying she wanted one within arm’s reach in case of an emergency, local single woman Frances Higgins told reporters Friday that she just felt safer keeping a loaded baked potato in her nightstand. “God forbid I ever have to use it, but I feel better knowing it’s there,” said the 36-year-old woman, who added that she lived alone and preferred to store the potato in a bedside drawer for ease of access, explaining that if she kept it in a secured Tupperware container in the kitchen, she might not be able to reach it quickly. “I know you’re not supposed to keep it loaded, but I want it to be ready if I need it. I’d hate to find myself in a desperate situation where it’s the middle of the night, my hands are shaking, and I’m fumbling around with the toppings just trying to get some sour cream in there.” Higgins went on to say that she understood some people might feel differently and choose to store their potatoes and all the fixings in harder-to-reach places, especially if they have overweight children.
Conservatives Explain How Woke Culture Is Destroying America #~# As the culture wars continue to escalate, many have cast the “woke mind virus” as public enemy No. 1. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how woke culture is destroying America, and this is what they said.
‘America’s Test Kitchen’ Begs Middle-Aged Women To Stop Sending Them Panties #~# BOSTON—Emphasizing that it was not just vulgar, but also a serious food safety hazard, representatives from America’s Test Kitchen Thursday begged middle-aged women to stop sending them panties. “While we appreciate everyone’s clear enthusiasm for the show, we cannot have our audience members routinely taking off their underwear, packaging them up, and mailing them to our studio headquarters,” said spokesperson Glenn Linden, adding that they loved their fans, but they simply could no longer handle the volume of packages containing sexually explicit notes; unwashed, dirty undergarments; or even nude photos. “Just because we helped you make the best pot pie crust, the perfect biscuit, or an amazing pan pizza doesn’t mean we want or can continue to accept these inappropriate sexual gifts. We understand our exceedingly simple, delicious, yet effective recipes get you all hot and bothered, but please. Cease and desist.” At press time, Linden told reporters that the lewd gifts had immediately stopped after they clarified that Christopher Kimball and his signature bow tie had left to start his own television show, Milk Street.
U.S. Announces Nuclear Fusion Energy Breakthrough #~# Scientists have successfully produced a nuclear fusion reaction resulting in a net energy gain, a major breakthrough in a decades-long quest to unleash an infinite source of clean energy that could help end dependence on fossil fuels. What do you think?
Gates Foundation Unveils Initiative To Give Starving Africans Fat Suits #~# SEATTLE—As part of the organization’s mission to address the most pressing issues on the world’s poorest continent, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation  unveiled Friday an initiative to give starving Africans fat suits. “We’ve witnessed with great sadness how 300 million Africans suffer from chronic hunger, but our new program to distribute inflatable body suits has the power to end this highly visible problem by 2030,” said Bill Gates, adding that fat suits would be made in sizes for men, women, and children to ensure universal access for all malnourished Africans. “With our fat suit program—aided by generous grants from the United States, the European Union, and several nongovernmental organizations—images of Africans appearing emaciated will be a thing of the past. All of our fat suits will be made from tear-resistant Lycra fabric and sterilized to eliminate the spread of bacteria. At the Gates Foundation, we know that the best solutions are universal ones, and we believe that wearing fat suits will be an incredibly empowering sight for all starving Africans.” Adding that he hoped to eventually allow Africans to run the initiative themselves, Gates went on to announce an $80 million donation to turn some Ethiopian farmland into a fat suit factory.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 15 Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 15 games.
Cat Clinging To Side Of Christmas Tree Admits That Was Extent Of Plan #~# COLUMBUS, GA—Drawing a blank just seconds after landing on the trunk of the Douglas fir, local domestic shorthair Butterscotch confirmed Thursday that clinging to the side of the Christmas tree was the extent of his plan. “Okay, so I’ve jumped halfway up the trunk of the tree and dug my nails into the bark, but now what?” said the  cat, who pondered  whether pissing on the trunk or screeching at the top of his lungs would be the best next step forward. “Step one, climb the tree. Check. Step two, hmmm. It seemed like a good idea at the time. And I’m not saying it was a bad idea—I’m just saying I’m still not sure what’s next.” At press time, the cat had reportedly settled on biting and scratching anyone who attempted to remove him from the tree.
What Will Happen To FTX Founder Sam Bankman-Fried? #~# On Tuesday, the SEC charged Sam Bankman-Fried with several counts of fraud and conspiracy related to the collapse of his cryptocurrency exchange, FTX, and opinion is divided as to the potential consequences. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on what will happen to Sam Bankman-Fried.
CEOs React To Arrest Of Sam Bankman-Fried #~# Disgraced FTX Cryptocurrency founder Sam Bankman-Fried was arrested in the Bahamas for defrauding investors. The Onion asked prominent CEOs what they thought about the arrest of the “Crypto King,” and this is what they said.
‘Woman’ Named Dictionary.com’s 2022 Word Of The Year #~# Dictionary.com has named “woman” its 2022 word of the year, calling the word “inseparable from the story of 2022” after abortion rights and ongoing cultural conversations around gender, identity, and language dominated discussion this year. What do you think?
Ancestry Website Shows Chart Of Which Dead People Busted Loads Inside Other Dead People #~# MISSOULA, MT—In a display presenting a rich, detailed portrait of their family histories and ancestral lineages, website GeneologyMe.com shows its users a chart of which dead people busted loads inside which other dead people, sources confirmed Thursday. “It turns out I hail from a long line of Irish people who, according to this chart, mostly busted their fat loads into other Irish people right up until 1852, when one of them blasted a nut into a Norwegian,” Elizabeth Vanderkirk, 28, said as she studied a family tree that revealed she was related to a lot of long-dead people who had dropped big, thick loads of cum across much of Europe. “Here’s a dead guy from a hundred years ago who appears to have nutted all over the place before succumbing to typhus in World War I. It’s so interesting that modern genetics can trace—in some cases all the way back to Africa!—the great many nutloads of dead people who made me who I am today.” At press time, Vanderkirk was reportedly disappointed after learning one of the dead men in her chart had busted a load into a slave he owned.
Uncle Returns From Trip Abroad With Treasure Trove Of Prescription Medications #~# AMARILLO, TX—Opening his suitcase to reveal a glowing bounty of illegally smuggled lotions, pills, and inhalers, local uncle Steve Palazzo told relatives Thursday he’d found the “score of the century” after he returned from a trip abroad with a treasure trove of prescription medicines. The uninsured 49-year-old, who had traveled to South America on business, reportedly regaled adoring family members with tales from his harrowing trip to the promised land, where he successfully acquired tens of thousands of dollars in rare and valuable pharmaceutical drugs. According to Palazzo, while the journey was by no means easy, and he faced danger around every turn, he eventually found a pharmacist who “hooked him up big-time” with Xanax, “ludes,” and Viagra, and also offered to do dental procedures, plastic surgery, or even cancer treatments for “dirt cheap.” After a brief rant about how stupid the locals were to just give him such prized treasures for “practically nothing,” Palazzo is said to have popped several medicines into his mouth, promised his family he would soon bring them to Valhalla, and then collapsed to the ground as his throat closed from an allergic reaction.
Bill Protecting Same-Sex Marriage Signed Into Law #~# President Biden has signed into law the Respect for Marriage Act, mandating federal protections to same-sex and interracial couples, amid fears that the conservative Supreme Court might revisit the right to same-sex marriage after it rescinded the right to an abortion. What do you think?
What To Know About ‘Avatar: The Way Of Water’ #~# Avatar: The Way Of Water—the sequel to 2009’s Avatar, the highest-grossing film of all time—debuts in U.S. theaters on Thursday. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Avatar: The Way Of Water.
Biggest Reasons Not To Sleep With A Coworker #~# When working in an office setting, it’s important to leave your genitals at the door. Here are the biggest reasons not to sleep with a coworker.
Kansas Keystone Pipeline Leak Largest In Pipeline’s History #~# A recent Keystone Pipeline failure in northeastern Kansas has been contained after an estimated 14,000 barrels of crude oil spilled in a natural waterway, making it the largest spill in the pipeline’s history. What do you think?
Nation Forgives Harvey Weinstein After He Gets Really Good At Football #~# LOS ANGELES—The American people have reportedly forgiven Harvey Weinstein Wednesday after discovering the disgraced mogul has gotten really good at football. “I don’t condone what Harvey did, but man, that guy can run like a demon,” said 38-year-old homemaker Sara Reese, who represented just one of the nation’s 330 million residents calling upon officials at Twin Towers Correctional Facility to release Weinstein following the circulation of a viral video in which the newly ripped 70-year-old was seen throwing a super tight spiral. “He’s truly a once-in-a-generation talent. Is he sorry for what he did? Who knows, but he ran a 4.3-second 40, for god’s sake. I mean, look at that arm! He’s dropping dimes. It would be more criminal to keep him off the field.” At press time, Weinstein had signed with the New York Giants.
Johnson & Johnson Raises Price Of Band-Aids To $100,000 Apiece #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Attributing the move to unspecified supply chain issues, Johnson & Johnson reportedly raised the price of Band-Aids Wednesday to $100,000 apiece. “Beginning next year, an individual, standard-size Band-Aid will cost $100,000, while the price will be higher for larger adhesives and those with cartoon characters on them,” said Johnson & Johnson CEO Joaquin Duato in a press release, adding that the price hike was also due in part to revamping the Band-Aid compound to make them 5% more adhesive. “While we understand that many longtime Band-Aid users may take issue with this measure, we can assure you that there are several internal reasons necessitating the increase in order to continue providing Band-Aids that meet our customary standards. Additionally, much of the revenue generated from this move will be put toward research and development into additional Band-Aid innovations. It is only fair, as the producers of our proprietary Band-Aid product, that we ensure a fair price for the medical value they provide. We’ve also reached agreements with hospitals and insurance providers to ensure that you can still get a Band-Aid at a medical facility even if you can’t afford one.” The Johnson & Johnson CEO also strenuously denied recent allegations that it was trying to boost Band-Aid sales by getting people addicted to Band-Aids.
Arizona Governor Building Illegal Makeshift Border Wall During Final Days In Office #~# Arizona Gov. Doug Doucey is erecting an illegal border wall of double-stacked shipping containers along parts of the U.S.–Mexico border, which runs through federal and tribal land, as a final act before he leaves office in January. What do you think?
Elon Musk Receives Experimental Neuralink Implant In Attempt To Delete Memory Of Being Booed #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Following a traumatizing incident on stage at a recent Dave Chappelle show, tech entrepreneur Elon Musk reportedly underwent surgery Tuesday to receive an experimental Neuralink brain implant, an attempt to delete the painful memory of being booed by a crowd of 18,000 people. “I don’t want to think about an arena full of people booing me for 10 whole minutes ever again—this is the only way,” a crying Musk said to his team of protesting neurosurgeons before lying down on the operating table and pulling the anesthesia mask up to his mouth. “I don’t care if it’s not ready. I’m your boss, and I’m telling you to do everything in your power to erase this horrible memory. I can still hear the echoing disappointment. Oh, God, it hurts. And if you don’t jam that thing into my brain right now, it will haunt me for the rest of my life. Don’t wake me up until it’s gone!” At press time, sources reported that the implant had left Musk drooling and immobile, his mind retaining little but the very clear memory of being booed by a crowd of 18,000 people.
Elementary School Lesson On Water Cycle Explains How Water Becomes Property Of Nestlé #~# HUDSON,  NY—In a lesson intended to help her class understand the  crucial feature of ecology, elementary school teacher Dina Schultz  reportedly instructed her students Tuesday on the part of the water cycle  where water becomes the property of the Nestlé corporation. “After  condensation and precipitation, the water enters Nestlé-owned lakes,  streams, and aquifers, where it’s purified to become part of the  company’s beloved line of products,” said Schultz, showing her  fifth-grade classroom a graph with an arrow pointing directly from the  clouds into a Nestlé packaging facility where the water would become Nestea, Nestlé Pure Life, Perrier, and San Pellegrino. “At this point, some of the water  runoff will be combined with chocolate extract and soy lecithin to  become Nesquik. And what’s really cool is the workers who do that are  all 9-year-old slaves! That’s about your age, huh, class?”  Schultz  concluded the lesson by adding that the products are then purchased for  $8.99 at an airport and urinated out, with the cycle beginning anew.
Nation That Can’t Agree Upon Rules Of ‘Uno’ Attempts To Come To Ideological Consensus #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to move forward and find common ground upon which the unified will of its people might gain a foothold, the United States, a nation that cannot agree on a uniform set of rules for Uno, is currently attempting to reach an ideological and political consensus, sources confirmed Tuesday. “We, a people unable to play a simple family card game without the whole thing devolving into a screaming match over whether one draw-four card can be played on another draw-four card to force the next consecutive player to draw eight cards, believe we can come to terms on the best way to achieve a just society,” said all 330 million Americans, many of whom voted last month to send a divided Congress to Washington and cannot see eye to eye on whether the person who goes first in an Uno game should be the player to the left of the dealer or the youngest player. “Though we may have different beliefs on whether you only have to draw one card when you can’t play or must continue drawing until you receive a card you can play, we trust our democracy will prove representative enough to craft policies that reflect the values of us all.” At press time, after they played their next-to-last card and another player called out “Uno” before they could, the American people reportedly flipped over the table and walked out of the room.
Winter Clothing Drive Puts Out Urgent Request For More Giant Foam Fingers #~# CHICAGO—Warning that many needy families could be left without team paraphernalia during the winter sports season, a local cold-weather clothing drive put out an urgent request Tuesday for more foam fingers. “We’ve all seen people—and too often they are children—sitting in the stands at sporting events without a fun, eye-catching way to indicate that their team is No. 1,” said the drive’s organizer, Monica Seckler, who asked all residents with spare memorabilia to please donate their unused novelty foam fingers so that less fortunate members of the fan community might also have an opportunity to appear on the Jumbotron. “In addition, we are experiencing shortages of face and body paint, cutouts of the letter D with picket fences, and dual-can beer helmets with straws.” Seckler went on to state that her organization was inundated with coats, mittens, and warm hats, but unfortunately few of them qualified as licensed team apparel. 
Senators React To Kyrsten Sinema Leaving Democratic Party #~# Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema recently switched party affiliations and registered as an Independent. The Onion asked U.S. senators what they thought of the move, and here’s what they said.
San Francisco Backtracks On Allowing Police Robots To Use Deadly Force #~# Supervisors in San Francisco have backtracked on a decision to give city police the ability to use robots as deadly force against a suspect, after public outcry that it would lead to the further militarization of a police force already too aggressive with poor and minority communities. What do you think?
‘Wordle’ Is 2022’s Most-Googled Search Term #~# “Wordle” was the most-searched term on Google in 2022, both in the United States and globally, beating out “Ukraine” and “Queen Elizabeth.” What do you think?
Biggest Revelations From Harry And Meghan’s Netflix Documentary #~# The new hit Netflix documentary series Harry & Meghan follows the ups and downs of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s whirlwind courtship, relationship, and now marriage. Here are the biggest revelations from the series so far.
God Reveals Frogs’ Mouths Designed Specifically To Feel Awesome On Penis #~# THE HEAVENS—Describing the sensation as the most pleasurable experience in the universe, God Almighty, Our Lord and Savior, revealed Monday that He specifically designed the mouths of frogs to feel awesome on a human penis. “When I, the Heavenly Father, created frogs nearly 6,000 years ago, I did so because I wanted humans to stick their genitals inside their big, wet mouths and feel a deep, sexual gratification unmatched anywhere else on earth,” said the all-knowing, all-seeing Creator of the Universe, adding that He specifically designed frogs with tight yet inflatable throats; wide, moist mouths; and powerful tongues to bring humans to deep, repeated orgasms. “Truth be told, while the human vagina feels really good, nothing—and I mean nothing—will ever feel as good as inserting one’s penis into the supple yet muscular mouth of a big old bull frog. Frankly, I’m surprised more of My human creations haven’t picked one up and tried it. At this point, it’s mostly chimps.” God also confirmed that He designed ripe melons to have holes drilled into them and penetrated, socks to be filled with lotion and slid over the penis, and dogs that love peanut butter specifically so they could lick it off human genitals.
Lifeguard Has To Admit Riptide Just Wanted It More #~# PENSACOLA, FL—Saying he gave it his all but simply came up short, lifeguard Brett Canberra reportedly had to admit Monday that the riptide just wanted it more. “Look, at the end of the day, I left it all out there in the ocean, but the riptide was hungrier, and you can clearly see the result,” said Canberra, praising the tidal flow’s strength, sheer tenacity, and hustle in how it tore a screaming elderly beachgoer away from the coastline. “The riptide was a little more physical and a little more intense, and all the crying in the world from that woman’s daughter wasn’t going to change that. Obviously, we’ll go out there tomorrow and try to keep someone from being pulled into the ocean’s depths again. That’s all you can do against a rival as formidable as this one.” At press time, the drowned swimmer’s surviving family acknowledged that the pugnaciousness displayed by the riptide was frankly outstanding.
Black Coworker Probably Wants Someone To Bring Up Negro League Baseball To Him Out Of Nowhere #~# WATERBURY, CT—As he attempted to mind his business and go about his day as the only African American person in his office, sources reported Wednesday that Black coworker Kevin Wright probably wanted someone to bring up Negro League baseball to him out of nowhere. “I’m sure Kevin wants me to interrupt whatever work he’s doing and pop up behind him without introducing myself to start going on about how Satchel Paige would’ve been the best player in the league if he’d only been allowed to play in the MLB in his prime,” said Arthur Sanders, adding that Wright, who sat at his desk working quietly and answering emails, was practically begging to discuss the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum in Kansas City and how it was a shame that times were what they were and those guys didn’t get to play “real big league ball.” “You can tell by the look on his face he’s just itching for me to mention Cool Papa Bell. I mean, why wouldn’t he want me to? I’m pretty sure I can just bring this up with him when he’s standing at the urinal in the bathroom, or in the kitchen making his coffee. Any given moment, really. No need to ask him anything about himself, just  launch into different teams, matchups, and how player rosters were affected by the beginning of World War II.” At press time, Sanders had reportedly been called into HR for a meeting. 
Musk’s Neuralink Faces Federal Inquiry After Killing 1,500 Animals In Testing #~# Elon Musk’s brain-implant company Neuralink is reportedly under federal investigation related to accusations from employees that pressure from the CEO to produce results led to barbaric and botched surgeries on monkeys, sheep, and pigs involved in scientific tests. What do you think?
Brittney Griner Released From Russian Prison In Swap For Convicted Arms Dealer #~# Phoenix Mercury center and WNBA All-Star Brittney Griner has been released from a Russian penal colony and is in United States custody after a prisoner exchange for arms dealer Viktor Bout. What do you think?
Teehee! ;) #~# Truth be told, I’ve never really felt like I fit the mold  of the Democratic Party. As a proud senator of Arizona, I’ve always  voted for what I think is right, whether my high-powered colleagues  agree with me or not. That’s why, today, I—Kyrsten Sinema—am proud to  announce that I have made the decision to leave the Democratic Party and  officially register as an independent.
ABC Reveals All ‘GMA’ Anchors Have Been Castrated #~# NEW YORK—Saying the hosts’ personal lives had become a distraction that threatened the program’s journalistic integrity, ABC News president Kimberly Godwin announced Friday that all Good Morning America anchors had been castrated. “At GMA, genitals aren’t what’s important—what’s important is reporting the news,” said Godwin, who confirmed that all on-air talent—including T.J. Holmes, Amy Robach, George Stephanopoulos, Robin Roberts, and Michael Strahan—had undergone either surgical castration to remove their testicles or chemical castration to reduce their libido, depending on their sex. “I want to be clear that this is not about punishing anyone. It’s about professionalism. To preserve our reputation as a news outlet, we must be 100% certain no GMA anchor ever again has sex outside their marriage.” At press time, Godwin had reportedly responded to the casual flirtation of two correspondents by separating them and moving their desks to opposite sides of the newsroom.
D.C. Landlord Clarifies He Rejected Gen Z Congressman Because He’s Black #~# WASHINGTON—In response to the Gen Z congressman-elect’s tweet that his apartment application was turned down due to bad credit, D.C. landlord Ray Forster reportedly clarified Friday that he actually rejected Maxwell Frost because he’s Black. “Bad credit had nothing to do with it—you can work something out with someone who has bad credit, but you just can’t work something out with someone who’s Black,” said Forster, adding that his management company had run a routine background check that should have turned up evidence of the 25-year-old Florida congressman’s Black skin and immediately disqualified him. “I mean, the guy very publicly just got a new job with a salary that would be sufficient to rent this apartment, so it’s clearly not a financial thing. Other landlords might have let him use a guarantor for the month before his first paycheck came in, but that’s a slippery slope, because if you let one Black guy rent an apartment from you, suddenly you open yourself up to letting any Black guy waltz in here and submit an application. And you know, it’s really hard to build credit in the first place, especially with the younger generation, so I try to help out where I can, but his race is where I draw the line.” At press time, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi suggested Frost ask fellow congressman Hakeem Jeffries for an apartment recommendation, since the two of them probably knew each other.
Pros And Cons Of AI-Generated Content #~# The rise of AI-generated art, writing, and other content using platforms like Lensa, DALL-E, and ChatGPT has led to debates about ethics, fair use, and potential unintended consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of content generated by artificially intelligent apps.
Germany Foils QAnon-Linked Terror Plot To Overthrow Government #~# German authorities arrested 25 suspected members of Reichsbürger, an extremist organization influenced by QAnon conspiracy theories that espouses a doctrine similar to that of far-right groups in the U.S, in an alleged plot to overthrow the government. What do you think?
Most Controversial Celebrity Pregnancy Reveals #~# Here are the most dramatic, crazy, and unexpected ways that celebrities have announced they have a baby currently living inside them.
Family Scandalized After Grandmother Leaves Hot, Young Caretaker Her Cherished Cobbler Recipe #~# GREENWICH, CT—Bursting into shouts of opposition as an attorney read aloud her will, members of the local Douvry family were reportedly scandalized Friday upon discovering their recently deceased grandmother, Harriet Douvry, had left her hot, young caretaker her cherished apple cobbler recipe. “This is obscene! Grand-mère only knew Fernando for six months, and she’s giving him her most valued possession?” said grandson Reginald Douvry III, who, after arguing the dish of sweet, baked apples topped with a buttery crust rightfully belonged to flesh and blood relatives and not to the twentysomething caregiving Adonis, rushed to comfort a sister who had fainted on a chaise longue from shock and disgrace. “She was obviously not in her right mind when she gave away the priceless secret of her 16-serving dessert to the help. This con artist must have manipulated our poor, frail grandmother, slowly seducing her until she agreed to give him the prize-winning recipe so he could have the cobbler all to himself.” At press time, the hunky caretaker was said to have returned the dessert recipe to the Douvrys, citing concerns that it had already caused his rock-hard abs to soften into love handles.
U.S. Economy Rallies After Fed Releases Long List Of All The Fun Stuff Money Can Buy #~# WASHINGTON—Signaling investors that the U.S. economy would be running hot for the  foreseeable future, the Federal Reserve reportedly caused the market to  rally Friday after releasing a long list of all the fun stuff money can  buy. “Speedboats, video games, ice cream with sprinkles, Rolex  watches, Blu-ray box sets,” said Fed Chair Jerome Powell, who, during a presentation  that  sent stock indexes and consumer confidence skyrocketing, donned a  pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses still bearing their price tag and lifted  up a tote bag filled to the brim with what he described as “just a few  of the kickass things anyone can go buy whenever.”  “Nunchucks. Air Jordans. Cars—nice cars, too. Not just crappy used  ones. Cheeseburgers. Helicopter rides, if you’ve got enough cash. A nice  seersucker suit. Huge TVs. Just huge. Big subwoofer. Robot vacuum  cleaner. You can even buy porn with it! Anyone can do it. They don’t  stop you.” At press time, reports confirmed Powell’s speech had caused several  dozen Americans to be trampled to death as the stampeding nation attempted to get all the  awesome stuff.
God Kicking Self For Not Coming Up With Hentai #~# THE  HEAVENS—The Lord God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of  Darkness, told reporters Friday he was still kicking Himself for  not coming up with hentai on His own, saying the Japanese form of  animated  pornography represented everything He had hoped to capture in creation.  “In all My divine work, My one true regret remains not devising  hentai in the days of Genesis—it is a truly perfect art,” said  God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, who admitted that  all such manifestations of His will paled in comparison to the ingenuity  and wonder on display in combining characters from Japanese animated  series like One Piece, Dragon Ball Z, and Neon Genesis Evangelion in  wildly varied sexual situations. “What’s incredible to Me is that I  came up with the idea for octopus tentacles, I came up with the idea  for humanity’s various orifices, and yet I never put the two together! And  forget about stuff like futanari and omorashi. I never even thought about that. Some of the Western stuff with Family Guy and The Simpsons characters  is cool, too. For those reasons, I really need to praise humans here.  And hey, I guess I can take a little bit of the credit given My hand in  sculpting man from the dust of the earth and breathing into his  nostrils the breath of life.” At press time, the Divine Creator could  not be reached for comment as He was too busy scrolling through the vast  troves of animated pornography on Hentai-Haven.xxx.
Trump Organization Found Guilty On All Counts Of Tax Fraud #~# Donald Trump’s real estate company has been found guilty on all 17 charges of tax fraud and other crimes related to a 15-year-long criminal scheme to defraud tax authorities. What do you think?
Americans React To Brittney Griner Returning Home From Russia #~# WNBA star Brittney Griner, who had been imprisoned for months in Russia for transporting cannabis vape cartridges, was released in a prisoner swap. The Onion asked Americans what they thought about the basketball player securing her freedom and returning home.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 14 games.
‘The Onion’ Has Accidentally Locked Ourselves Out Of Our Office In Solidarity With Striking ‘New York Times’ Workers #~# Today, reporters and editors of The New York Times began a one-day strike, as negotiations between their union and management  failed to reach an agreement. Here at America’s Finest News Source, we are committed to supporting our fellow journalists, and so The Onion has boldly and inadvertently locked ourselves out of our offices in solidarity with New York Times newsroom employees.
Elon Musk Worried He Won’t Have Enough Twitter Employees Left To Fire On Christmas Eve #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing concern that he might have totally ruined the holiday season, Elon Musk reportedly worried Thursday that he wouldn’t have enough Twitter employees left to fire on Christmas Eve. “Gosh, I just don’t know if I’ll be able to parcel them out long enough to enjoy destroying a few of their lives on Dec. 24,” said Musk, appearing visibly forlorn as he scrolled through the company’s rapidly diminishing roster and realized he simply might not have the willpower to string his remaining programmers along until he could tell them to clear out their desks just as the holidays rolled around. “It’s a shame, because some of these guys have work visas, and it would be really wonderful to watch the devastation dawn in their eyes as they realize they’ll have to leave the country on Christmas Eve. But I just love firing them. Man, this is a real disappointment.” At press time, Musk had been spotted in his office assembling an advent calendar of every person he planned to fire in December in the hopes of making them last.
What Is Americans’ Biggest Workplace Issue? #~# The average American spends about one-third of their single precious life at work, and most workplaces offer no shortage of challenges. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans to discover what Americans see as the biggest issue in the modern workplace.
Milo Yiannopoulos Fired From Kanye West’s 2024 Presidential Campaign #~# Right-wing extremist and former Marjorie Taylor-Green intern Milo Yiannopoulos was reportedly fired from Kanye West’s 2024 presidential campaign following a string of disastrous media appearances by West and rumored campaign infighting. What do you think?
Biggest Revelations From Ron DeSantis’ New Book ‘The Courage To Be Free’ #~# On Feb. 28, 2023, HarperCollins will publish a memoir by controversial Florida governor and presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis. Here are the biggest revelations from his forthcoming campaign book The Courage To Be Free.
Progressive In Year 2180 Blasts Gender Discrimination In Conscription Practices Of Nabisco’s Corporate Military #~# EAST HANOVER, NJ—Criticizing the outdated attitudes and policies of the most powerful branch of the armed services, a progressive citizen in the year 2180 vehemently argued against gender discrimination in the conscription practices of Nabisco’s corporate military. “It’s disgusting that when Nabisco seizes children from their homes as early as age 8 and compels them to fight for Ritz Force, they are only abducting those who present as male,” said Noella Zaid, explaining that the outdated concept of gender is a narrow-minded basis upon which to decide who should be indoctrinated, trained as a killing machine, and made to enforce the arbitrary rulings of Nabisco’s board of directors. “Think about how inequitable it is. Do we really believe little girls can’t be given a gun and told to eliminate the Keebler menace the way little boys are? This is the 22nd century, and it shouldn’t matter if you’re male, female, nonbinary, gender-fluid, or agender—all should be allowed to go through Basic Retraining and enlist as a Triscuit First-Class. It’s absolutely absurd that as recently as the Battle of Lorna Doone, women were only allowed to serve as Honey Maids.” At press time, Zaid had been arrested for speaking out against Nabisco, and a jury of Oreos had reportedly sentenced her to be dipped in hot fudge. 
Indonesia Bans Sex Outside Of Marriage #~# Indonesia’s parliament has approved a new criminal code that bans anyone in the country from having extramarital sex, including tourists while visiting, with the law carrying a one-year jail term. What do you think?
Everything We Know About Elon Musk’s ‘Twitter Files’ #~# Elon Musk recently promoted a Twitter thread by journalist Matt Taibbi, which detailed internal company documents showing that the social media site blocked tweets publicizing a news story on Hunter Biden’s laptop. Here’s what The Onion discovered about Elon Musk’s “Twitter Files.”
Pros And Cons Of Refusing Service Based On Religious Beliefs #~# On Monday, the Supreme Court heard a case concerning a Christian website designer who wanted to deny service to LGBTQ+ customers, reigniting debate over whether private businesses should be able to refuse to offer their services on religious grounds. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of refusing service based on religious beliefs.
‘So What Do You Do For Work?’ Says Man In Brilliant Opening Gambit Of Making Woman Love Him #~# HYDE PARK, NY—Moments after being seated at local establishment Stonehill Tavern, local man Jeremy Kilpatrick reportedly asked his date, “So what do you do for work?” in a brilliant opening gambit in the great game of making her love him. “So, wait, you said you were in marketing?” said the grandmaster of romance, setting into motion a dazzling feat of strategy—a sort of four-dimensional chess in the art of seduction—that he would navigate with the deftness and ingenuity of a flirtatious maestro, already anticipating three or four moves ahead to a moment when he would comment on the recent spell of chilly weather before transitioning to whether his date had siblings and luring her deeper and deeper into his expertly laid trap. “Uh-huh, and you like doing that? Oh, cool, that’s great. I’m okay with my job. Definitely like some parts. Some parts not so much. Did you figure out what you wanted to order?” At press time, sources confirmed Kilpatrick had offered to split the check, thereby capping off an unforgettable master class of romantic cunning that would culminate in his date choosing to entwine her fate with his for all time.
Students Uncover Under-Desk Surveillance Devices #~# Northeastern University in Boston faces criticism after students discovered heat-monitoring devices installed under their desks to secretly track desk usage without students’ knowledge or consent. What do you think?
Twins Invent Secret Sex Move They Only Use With Each Other #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Noting the odd idiosyncrasy exclusive to the identical pair, sources reported Wednesday that two area twins had invented a secret sex move they only use with each other. “Yeah, other people  don’t understand what we’re doing, but it’s just a special thing we came up with as kids,” said Ethan Burke, referencing the maneuver he and his identical twin brother Austin use with each other, which they have observed can be off-putting to some. “Most think it’s pure nonsense, but it makes sense to us. Our parents were definitely weirded out at first, but with time, they started to understand it’s something that’s pretty common in twins. Occasionally, someone will try to figure out what we’re doing and join in, but it’s clear they just don’t get it.” At press time, the twins were reportedly dressed in matching bondage gear.
Trump Slams Biden As America’s Most Flat-Assed President #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Calling into question whether he had the junk in the trunk necessary to lead the country, Donald Trump reportedly slammed President Joe Biden Wednesday as America’s most flat-assed president. “You won’t hear the media reporting on it, but it’s a total pancake,” said the former president, who lambasted Biden’s backside as “shameful” and “the worst we’ve ever seen” in the nation’s nearly 250 years of posterior leadership. “Joe Biden’s pitiful behind has made us a laughing stock all over the world. An ass that weak should not sit behind the Resolute desk. It’s the flat ass from hell. What a disgrace. It’s disrespectful, and frankly, it’s un-American.” At press time, Trump was urging House Republicans to open a special investigation into where Biden even got pants that small. 
Donald Trump Calls To Terminate Constitution #~# Former President Trump has claimed the Constitution can be terminated to reinstate him as president, falsely citing election fraud as grounds, after Elon Musk released information about Twitter’s role in limiting access to a story about Hunter Biden,. What do you think?
Herschel Walker Scrambles To Collect Dozens Of Fetuses That Fell Out Of Pants Pocket #~# ATLANTA—Crawling on his hands and knees in an attempt to scoop up as many as he could before anyone at the campaign event noticed, Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker was reportedly scrambling to collect dozens of fetuses that fell out of his pants pockets, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” said Walker, who stuffed handfuls of the embryos down his sleeves and into his shirt, while kicking a few others under a table where they would be out of view. “I’m all good over here, I just dropped, uh, a few personal things. Jesus Christ, I think I stepped on this one. That’s definitely going in the garbage. Hey, this one isn’t a fetus, this one’s just a little smokie.” At press time, Walker watched in horror as a fetus slipped out of his grasp and landed with a splash in the punch bowl.
SWAT Team Busts Down Door Of Denver Woman’s Home To Apologize For Previous Raid #~# DENVER—After local woman Ruby Johnson filed a lawsuit claiming police had conducted an illegal search when they entered her home by mistake earlier this year, a Denver SWAT team broke down a door with a battering ram Tuesday to apologize for the previous botched raid. “Put your hands on the back of your head and come out where we can see you well enough to say we’re sorry!” Detective Gary Staab said over a loudspeaker as he tossed a stun grenade through a window and led a dozen heavily armed officers through a back entrance, ordering men with laser-sighted rifles to clear the rooms one by one so the location could be secured for an expression of remorse. “You will be subdued and made to comply as we search this place from top to bottom for a suitable location to leave our apology card and gift bag. We have the house surrounded, and if we cannot make amends, we will be forced to open fire!” At press time, the SWAT team reportedly realized they had again made a mistake, accidentally storming the home of a woman who lived a few doors down from Johnson. 
Rat Mother Accused Of Savoring One Child Over Another #~# NEW YORK—According to a source huddling nearby in the basement of an apartment building, a local rat mother came under fire Tuesday for allegedly savoring one child over another. “Right now, she has a litter of seven in her burrow, and anyone who’s been over there has seen the way she relishes some of those babies more than others,” said the source, a fellow brown rat who argued that after a mother gives birth to her young, she should taste them all equally, lest some wind up feeling neglected or unflavorful. “The siblings who are devoured with less attention are going to notice, and they’re going to develop inferiority complexes when see how eagerly their mother cannibalizes the ones who happen to have been born a bit plumper.” Observing that such behaviors were passed down from generation to generation, the source added that two months from now the rat mother would probably be savoring one grandchild over another.  
Rising Conservative Star Just Guy Wearing Nazi Armband And Crying #~# AUSTIN, TX—A star who has experienced a meteoric rise in right-wing circles, 28-year-old conservative phenom Mason Finley is  known solely for wearing a Nazi armband and crying, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Finley amassed millions of conservative viewers on his Discord channel, where the up-and-coming young GOP figure uploaded videos in which he is seen sobbing alone in a room as he sits with a swastika strapped to his arm,” said Republican strategist Gary Woodfall, claiming that despite being virtually unknown even a few months ago, the teary-eyed young man who wears Nazi memorabilia has already appeared at CPAC as well as Turning Point USA summits. “Something about the way he never stops crying and openly identifies as a Nazi has really struck a chord with the GOP rank and file. They see a lot of themselves in Finley when he blubbers and gives his weak little ‘Sieg heil’ salutes.” At press time, Finley’s popularity within the Republican Party had reportedly reached a fever pitch after he was seen bawling his eyes out and getting an SS symbol tattooed on his neck.
New Square Feature Allows Customers To Tip With Bible Quote #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Updating the payment system to make sermonizing to service workers more efficient, a new Square feature released Tuesday allows customers to tip with Bible quotes. “We are proud to announce that the tipping experience is now more easier than ever with the addition of Bible passages,” said CEO Jack Dorsey, explaining that a selection screen will now appear after payment prompting the user with several preinstalled verses, from John 3:16 to the Psalms. “We have also heard our customers and are working to provide Christian cross and praying-hands emojis as well. For now, we still offer the smiley face option in lieu of tipping the barista or waiter money.” At press time, Square was developing a new “get a real job” tipping option.
What We Know About Elon Musk’s Neuralink Human Trials #~# Elon Musk announced that he expects to start human trials of the Neuralink brain chip. Here’s what The Onion knows about this project.
Avian Flu Kills 50 Million Birds In Record U.S. Outbreak #~# The USDA reported over 50 million birds have died amid a record-breaking outbreak of avian flu in the United States, affecting flocks in 46 states and surpassing a previous high set in 2015. What do you think?
Bob Dylan Apologizes For Machine-Printed ‘Signatures’ #~# Bob Dylan has apologized for an “error in judgment,” after it emerged that he used a machine to autograph special $599 copies of his new book that had been advertised as “hand signed.” What do you think?
Jerry Jones Blasts Media For Trying To Make Segregation Look Bad #~# DALLAS—Following revelations of his appearance in a 1957 photograph among a mob of white students trying to block a Black student from entering an Arkansas high school, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones blasted the media Monday for trying to make segregation look bad. “This is a classic media smear job trying to demean the forcible separation of people along racial lines, and I won’t stand for it,” said Jones, adding that the presence of segregation in a photographic depiction of segregation didn’t automatically mean segregation did anything wrong. “There are two sides to everything, including segregation, and it is disappointing when the media doesn’t respect that. It was a different time, and from my recollection, the segregation that day was perfectly innocent. It is very troubling to witness a media pile-on against a reasonable, upstanding form of systemic discrimination.” Jones also responded to criticism that he has never hired a Black head coach, stating that the media always omitted the important context that he doesn’t believe Black people are smart enough to do the job.
MLB Owners Hold Separate Meeting For Teams Actually Trying To Win Next Season #~# SAN DIEGO—Following a long day of conferences on potential rule changes and other league business, MLB owners reportedly held a separate meeting Monday for teams actually trying to win next season. “It’s a small group, but it’s nice to get together for a more intimate conversation among the teams that are actually attempting to assemble a talented roster that could win a World Series,” said Houston Astros owner Jim Crane, adding that they enjoyed not having to deal with the annoying concerns of the owners who were just trying to make money off their teams. “Don’t get me wrong, we want to make a lot of money too, and we do, but in the regular meetings you talk to a guy like [Chicago Cubs owner] Tom Ricketts or [Anaheim Angels owner] Arte Moreno, and it’s clear that they don’t have any interest in actually getting good players. That’s fine, but there’s maybe a dozen of us who are actually trying to win.” At press time, the group was surprised when their meeting was interrupted by the late arrival of Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos, who expressed his annoyance that, despite his best efforts, the team’s roster was actually pretty good and he was desperate for the other owners to take his good players off his hands.
Elon Musk Announces Plans To Implant Tesla In Human Brain Within 6 Months #~# AUSTIN, TX—Telling reporters the procedure could be available to the general public by the end of 2023, Elon Musk announced plans Monday to  implant a Tesla inside a human brain in the next six months. “I am proud to share today just how much closer we are to the next step in the evolution of our species: having a self-driving electric car in the head of every person walking down the street,” the Tesla CEO and Neuralink owner said upon receiving approval from the FDA and Transportation Department to conduct clinical trials in which a motor vehicle would be placed in the motor cortex of human test subjects. “Once we have driving functionality right there in our minds—thanks to the insertion of a barely perceptible, two-ton Tesla Model 3—we will be capable of superhuman neuroautomotive feats. The best part is that the implant is fully automated, meaning you can just sit back and let Tesla’s proprietary AI control your limbs, your words, and even your thoughts.” Later, upon revealing he already had  a Tesla implanted in his own brain, Musk flashed his high beams through his eyes, emitted a loud honk from his mouth, and tugged on his ears to signal left and right turns.
8,000 U.S. Soldiers Accidentally Tear-Gassed During Morale-Boosting Activity #~# 8,000 U.S. army soldiers were accidentally tear-gassed during a physical morale event when organizers took the unusual step of marking the boundary of the course with CS gas without warning soldiers who did not have any protective gear. What do you think?
Over-50 Dating App Filters Matches Solely By Whether They’d Stay If You Got Parkinson’s #~# FORT MYERS, FL—Catering to a niche community of singles looking for love, a new dating app for the over-50 crowd launched Monday that lets users filter matches solely on whether they’d stay if you got Parkinson’s disease. “ParkinsMatch makes it easier for aging singles to find ‘the one’ who won’t abandon them if they are diagnosed with a long-term degenerative disorder,” said ParkinsMatch CEO Daniel Carfizzi, adding that users fill out a simple, one-question profile asking if they would endure the heartbreaking, emotionally trying process of watching their loved one’s central nervous system slowly deteriorate  until they die. “ParkinsMatch singles will either swipe ‘yes’ if they’re willing to commit to that or ‘no’ if they’re not looking for anything more serious than someone they’d support through a minor cancer scare. Once you match with someone who would stay with you while you battle a severely debilitating illness with no cure, users can then chat about their family history of any other life-threatening diseases.” Carfizzi continued that more features would soon be added to let users share other preferences like funeral arrangements.
Banned Users React To Elon Musk Allowing Them Back On Twitter #~# Almighty Twitter overlord Elon Musk has begun granting amnesty to accounts banned from the platform before his purchase of the company. Here are what some of those users are saying about their prospective return to Twitter.
Fate Of Christmas Uncertain After Eric Adams Institutionalizes Real Santa #~# NEW YORK—Raising fears that the yuletide would not be made gay, New York Mayor Eric Adams reportedly institutionalized the real Santa Claus on Monday, leaving the fate of Christmas uncertain. Under the new directive from the mayor’s office, Father Christmas was  seized by New York City police officers, who noted in their report that the man was babbling senselessly about possessing magical powers, and that the large sack he carried was obstructing the sidewalk. The decision drew backlash from critics who argued that Adams’ new policy would hamper, if not completely destroy, the joyful and beloved Christmas holiday. According to sources, Santa was unrecognizable after orderlies at Bellevue Hospital shaved his head and beard and injected a dose of Haldol into his neck that blocked all the Christmas spirit in his body. At press time, Adams had defended himself by presenting a list of names and addresses of children apprehended from Santa’s pocket.
Biden Signs Legislation To Avert Crisis Of Treating Rail Workers Like Humans #~# WASHINGTON—Praising the last-minute agreement to deny the laborers any sort of civility or respect, President Joe Biden signed legislation Friday to avert a crisis in which rail workers might have been treated like actual human beings. “We were only a week away from a nationwide catastrophe in which we would have been forced to acknowledge the basic rights of these employees,” said President Biden, applauding lawmakers on both sides of the aisle who ensured rail workers would continue to be denied a benefit as humane as paid sick days. “So much of what Americans rely on is delivered by train—from clean water to food to gas—and the last thing we want is for the people responsible for transporting those goods to be able to stay home when they’re seriously ill. Thanks to this law, we can guarantee that no engineer driving 20,000 tons of freight across this great nation will be able to access healthcare without having their pay docked.” Biden went on to express confidence that next year, bipartisan legislation would be passed to ensure rail workers were no longer allowed to eat or sleep between shifts. 
NYC Will Hospitalize Mentally Ill People Involuntarily #~# New York City mayor Eric Adams directed police and emergency medical workers to take individuals who appear “mentally ill” into custody involuntarily for psychiatric evaluations. What do you think?
Full-Faced Black Hood™ Drops Kanye West As Celebrity Spokesperson #~# NEW YORK—In response to the rapper’s recent antisemitic comments during his appearance on conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ Infowars show, head-covering company Full-Faced Black Hood™ announced Friday it had ended its partnership with Ye, formerly known as Kanye West. “We have taken the decision to terminate Ye’s sponsorship of our face-covering headwear, effective immediately,” said Full-Faced Black Hood™ CEO Greg Cullinan, who added that Ye’s recent rhetoric and actions had been unacceptable and dangerous, violating the values of tolerance and inclusion that a company making black stretchy hoods that completely cover the face take very seriously. “We’ve been a family company for over 75 years, actually having been at the forefront of obscuring the faces of anti-Nazis for decades, and therefore, we can no longer in good conscience work with Mr. West. We hope this sends a powerful message to the world that antisemitism and bigotry have no place in a Full-Faced Black Hood™.” Cullinan added that while company executives strongly condemned Mr. West’s hateful comments, they asked that everyone please note how crystal clear his voice sounded when coming through one of their high-quality full-faced hoods.
New World Cup Fan Frantically Searching Online For Any Information He Can Find On Country Of ‘United States’ #~# BETHESDA, MD—Trying to learn more information about the team he recently decided to root for, new World Cup fan Brian Edman was frantically searching online Friday for any information he could find on the country of the United States. “This is my first time getting into the World Cup and I didn’t know who to root for, so I decided to just pick some random country and settled on the United States, but I don’t really know anything about their culture, so I’m trying to learn,” said Edman, who was reportedly spending most of his workday scouring Wikipedia pages for the United States and some of its major people and historical events so he could talk somewhat intelligently his friends about it when they watch tomorrow’s match. “There are a bunch of cool teams out there, like Cameroon and Senegal, but during the round of 64 I decided to just go with the U.S. Did you know that the United States has 50 stars on their flag? And that their national bird is the bald eagle? It’s pretty sweet. I’ve also been looking online at pictures from some of their big cities, like New York City and Los Angeles, and trying to imagine what it’s like to live there. Maybe someday I’ll get to visit! But for now, it’s just fun to cheer on this random country, even if I have no connection to it.” Edman admitted that his United States fandom had its downsides, as he was having trouble pronouncing some of the “weird-ass names” of the country’s players, like “Tyler Adams” and “Jordan Morris.”
The Onion’s Style Guide To Always Supporting The Police #~# Police face an incredibly difficult task in maintaining order in a barbaric hellscape like America, and journalistic ethics require news sources like The Onion to report the truth accurately from the officers’ perspective. Amid ongoing criticism of how the media portrays violent acts by law enforcement, we’re sharing The Onion’s official in-house style guide to ensuring that our news reports always support the police.
Right-Wingers Criticize Kanye For Not Using Platform To Raise Awareness Of Lesser-Known Nazis #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the musician’s behavior in the past weeks had been a deep disappointment,  far-right commentators criticized Kanye West on Friday for not  using his platform to raise awareness of the many lesser-known Nazis.  “Ye had a clear educational opportunity to shed light on forgotten  figures from the National Socialist Party’s history—brilliant racists like Rudolf Jung and Hermann Göring—and yet he chose the  single Nazi we all know best,” said right-wing podcaster Andrew Hampton,  one of many conservative writers who expressed frustration, stating that  West had misused his Infowars appearances to restate their already  well-established admiration for the Führer. “Look, I get it. We all love  Hitler. But what about all the budding antisemites who could be  inspired in the mission to exterminate Jews, Blacks, and the disabled?  Why not talk about Leni Riefenstahl or Gertrud Scholtz-Klink, so some  little girl can grow up in their proud Jew-hating footsteps? There’s  such a robust well of hatred in the Nazi Party. It’s a shame to focus on  just one super obvious guy.” Hampton added that for that matter, Kanye might also  remind his fans about America’s many homegrown Nazis, like Henry Ford,  Charles Lindbergh, and David Duke. 
Conservatives React To Ye’s Appearance On Infowars #~# After the renowned hip-hop artist praised Hitler and Nazis in an interview with Alex Jones, The Onion asked prominent conservatives how they felt about Ye’s appearance on Infowars.
Woman Embraces Holiday Spirit By Telling Strangers She Doesn’t Speak To Her Family #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—With a twinkle of seasonal cheer in her eyes as she informs well-wishers of her estrangement from her closest relatives, area 34-year-old Lisa Vandersmith embraces the spirit of the holidays by telling complete strangers she doesn’t speak to her family, sources reported Friday. “Oh, yes, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas too—though in my case, I really don’t celebrate much, because I had a falling out with my parents and siblings several years ago,” said Vandersmith, who, after someone she had never met wished her happy holidays, acknowledged the magical time of  year by regaling the woman with yuletide tales of how she hasn’t been in contact with anyone in her family since they confronted her about her alcohol consumption one New Year’s Eve. “A lot of it is stuff that goes back to my childhood, and though I’ve worked through it in therapy, I’m not sure I’ll ever be in a place where I can have a meaningful connection with my mom and dad and sisters. It’s sad, but sometimes relationships just become toxic, and you have to cut people out of your life. Merry Christmas!” Later, Vandersmith expressed the true spirit of the season by telling a person she didn’t know about the year she got so upset she dragged her family’s Christmas tree into the front yard and lit it on fire as a way to punish her father.
‘It’s Not Too Bad,’ Says Man As Hot Sauce Begins Disintegrating Jaw #~# MITCHELL, SD—After assuring his dinner companions at Blarney’s Sports Bar and Grill that he was more than capable of handling a little spice, area man Jared Perkins was overheard saying “It’s not too bad” as the hot sauce he was eating began to disintegrate his lower jaw. According to sources, the 29-year-old choked out the words “I’ve definitely had spicier” as the corrosive, 500,000-Scoville-unit condiment in which his chicken wing had been doused ate away at his lips, gums, and tongue. Though the smell of burning flesh filled the air the moment his fingertips touched the sauce, and the tears streaming from his eyes evaporated with a sizzle upon the heat of his cheeks, Perkins is said to have declined multiple offers of water. Witnesses confirmed he did this by shaking his head, his ability to speak having been compromised once the wing dressing had dissolved enough muscle tissue to leave his jawbone dangling from a single, thinning tendon. Shortly before suffering multiple organ failure, Perkins reportedly wrote on a napkin that if the restaurant didn’t have anything hotter, he would simply have to pour more sauce onto his next bite to compensate for “this weak shit” he had been served. 
CEOs Explain Why Their Brands Stopped Advertising On Elon Musk’s Twitter #~# At least 50 of Twitter’s top 100 advertisers have left the platform since Elon Musk bought the social media site. The Onion asked prominent CEOs why their brands are no longer advertising on Twitter, and here’s what they said.
Oath Keepers Found Guilty Of Seditious Conspiracy In Capitol Attack #~# Five members of the fair-right group Oath Keepers, including founder Stewart Rhodes, were found guilty of seditious conspiracy and other offenses in connection with the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol. What do you think?
Hakeem Jeffries Elected To House Democratic Leader In Historic First #~# House Democrats chose caucus chair Hakeem Jeffries of New York to succeed Nancy Pelosi as leader of the Democrats in the chamber next year, a historic move that will make him the first Black person to lead one of the two major parties in either chamber of Congress. What do you think?
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 13 Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 13 games.
Taco Bell Introduces New Cheesy Beef Dunk Tank #~# IRVINE, CA—Calling its latest offering the ultimate innovation in Mexican-inspired fast food, restaurant chain Taco Bell announced Thursday that it had added a cheesy beef dunk tank to its menu. “At select locations throughout the country, customers can now get their Taco Bell fix through total immersion in a 600-gallon dunk tank filled with mouthwatering molten cheese and spicy meat,” said vice president of marketing Morgan Niedermeyer, who demonstrated how one could enjoy the new menu item by sitting on a collapsible bench, egging on fellow diners to throw a wad of refried beans at a target, and plummeting into a delicious blend of nacho sauce, reduced-fat sour cream, and seasoned ground beef. “Patrons can expect to be slathered in all the great Taco Bell ingredients they crave, customizing their dunk tank with up to 3 feet of lettuce and onions, or turning up the heat with a full cubic yard of our signature hot sauce—all for only $3.99. Visit your nearest participating location today to take the plunge.” Niedermeyer went on to confirm that vegetarian diners could choose to leave out the beef and substitute 4,500 side orders of black beans to make it vegetarian.
How Americans Decide Which Charities To Donate To #~# Giving Tuesday is an annual effort during the holiday shopping season to encourage donations to charity, but with so many charities out there, it can be difficult to determine which ones deserve the money. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans, all of whom give to charity, on how they pick who gets their donations.
Herschel Walker Quietly Asking Around For D.C. Abortion Clinic Recommendations #~# WRIGHTSVILLE, GA—In a display of confidence ahead of the Georgia Senate runoff, Republican candidate Herschel Walker has begun quietly asking around about recommendations for Washington, D.C. abortion clinics, sources confirmed Thursday. “It needs to be close to my office at the Capitol, but not too visible—something with a back entrance, for sure,” said Walker, who noted he was looking for a place that “wouldn’t break the bank,” as he anticipated he might be paying for dozens and dozens of the procedures. “If they have any discounts for public servants, that would be awesome. I would just hate to get fooled by one of those so-called ‘crisis pregnancy centers’ that look like abortion clinics but are secretly staffed by pro-life crazies. I’m not falling for that again. Abortion is legal in Virginia, right? Or is it Maryland? Where’s D.C. again?” At press time, Walker had reportedly gotten a couple of great recommendations from Donald Trump. 
Biden’s Secret Service Rental Cars Burst Into Flames At Nantucket Airport #~# Five cars rented by President Joe Biden’s Secret Service detail for his Thanksgiving weekend trip to Nantucket mysteriously burst into flames a day after he left, with the cause of the fire still under investigation. What do you think?
Things To Never Say To Someone Who Is Scared Of Flying #~# If you know someone who is for some reason afraid to sit for several hours in a thin metal tube traveling 35,000 feet above the ground, try to avoid saying these things.
Redditors’ Class-Action Lawsuit Alleges Robinhood On Some Bitch Shit #~# NEW YORK—In response to the online brokering app halting trading on GameStop ($GME) after a surge in activity, Redditors filed a class-action lawsuit this week alleging that Robinhood has been on some bitch shit lately. “Robinhood willfully deprived investors of their hard-earned tendies,” read the brief in part, which also claimed that the online brokerage had left countless Redditors “holding the bag.” “This is the way. If every autist stands together, we’ll sue these Robinhood cucks out of house and home. Hold stronk. We’ll be buying the dip; they’ll be buying commissary in the clink.” At press time, a popular Reddit post urged “Euro retards” to show solidarity by filing class-action lawsuits in their countries of origin. 
‘This’ Comment Dozens Of Twitter Users On Thread Incorrectly Explaining News Story #~# WASHINGTON—Championing the series of posts that were completely littered with factual errors and misinformation, dozens of Twitter users reportedly commented ‘This’ Friday on a thread incorrectly explaining a recent news story. “Omg, FINALLY someone is pointing out what’s really going on,” said user JackSkellington88 in response to the series of erroneous tweets, echoing swarms of other online commentators who, despite neglecting to read the original news story and any section of the thread beyond the first post, responded with multiple upward finger emojis. “Glad someone had the guts to say it. You all better listen up, because this is honestly the most important thing you’ll read today.” At press time, JackSkellington88 had begun searching for the employment info of another Twitter user who disagreed with him.
How Redditors Drove A GameStop Stock Surge #~# This week, a group of Reddit users spearheaded a campaign to purchase stock options in video-game retailer GameStop, driving up the stock price and leading to financial repercussions. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at what happened.
Jif Slammed For New Ad Claiming Children With Peanut Allergies Just Lying For Attention #~# ORRVILLE, OH—With calls for a mass boycott of the spreadable topping growing on social media, Jif peanut butter and its parent company, J.M. Smucker, were reportedly facing fierce criticism Friday for a new commercial that claims children with peanut allergies are just lying for the attention. “Kids lie about everything—their homework, their chores, their screen time—so who’s to say they’re not lying about their peanut allergy too?” said CEO Mark T. Smucker in the 60-second prime-time TV spot, before going on to tout Jif as the only peanut-butter brand “with the balls to stand up to the millions of children and teenagers” he claimed have invented the condition from whole cloth. “These are the same whiny brats who fake asthma and panic attacks. They clearly just want someone to feel sorry for them so they’ll get special treatment. You think your throat’s closing up? That’s just the rich, creamy taste of Jif peanut butter, you sniveling little shit. Now eat your PB&J before I shove it down your goddamn throat.” Confirming the company had filed suit against schools with peanut bans, Smucker stated that his family had been in the condiment business for “five fucking generations” and had no intention of being driven into bankruptcy by “a bunch of pussies who can’t handle their Jif.”
Health Care Workers Trapped In Snow Storm Offer Vaccine To Stranded Drivers #~# A team of health care workers stuck in traffic during a snowstorm walked from vehicle to vehicle offering to inject drivers with doses of coronavirus vaccine that would have otherwise expired before the team could return to the clinic. What do you think?
Pete Buttigieg Learning About Problems Facing Rail Infrastructure By Spending Week Living As Train #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to assess the problem from the ground up, transportation secretary nominee Pete Buttigieg told reporters Friday he was learning about the challenges facing the nation’s outdated rail infrastructure by living as a train for a week. “ I’ve spent seven days as a cross-country passenger train, transporting thousands of Americans under my own power so I can better understand the plight of our great railways,” said Buttigieg, who demurred when asked whether President Biden, a well-known Amtrak enthusiast, would be hopping aboard his new Cabinet member for a round-trip express ride from D.C. to Wilmington, DE. “I intend to complete a multiday route between New York and Los Angeles, and while I know it will be tough to hit all the stops on time, I can’t think of a better way to get acquainted with America’s proud but neglected rolling stock, or meet its aging, dilapidated tracks. And when I roll through your town, feel free to climb into my café car, grab a cup of coffee, and share any concerns you have about rail travel.” At press time, reports confirmed the former South Bend, IN mayor had  derailed at 80 mph, leaving 27 passengers dead and another 54 gravely injured.
Fossilized Skeleton Shows Ancient Man Likely Died From Being Smashed In Skull By Archaeological Pickaxe #~# MOTALA, SWEDEN—According to a report published Friday by researchers from Lund University, the fossilized skeleton of an ancient man revealed that he likely died from being smashed in the skull by an archaeological pickaxe. “All evidence points to the fact this ancient man, who we estimate lived 4,500 to 5,000 years ago, was killed after a fiberglass-and-steel tool shattered his skull,” said report author Karl Fransson, sharing that team of archaeologists had given the man the nickname “Ampco Man” in reference to the word “Ampco” found carved into the pickaxe’s handle. “What’s interesting is this injury exists in conjunction with fissures along his femurs that suggest he was also struck with a shovel. We’re also studying an alternative hypothesis that he died after falling out of a truck bed and then getting backed over by a pickup. Apparently, this Scandinavian tribe was a remarkably violent people.” At press time, Fransson added there were signs the tribe felt remorse, as evident by the crude effort that had been made to glue the skeletal fragments back together.
Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command #~# Hear why, when they snap their fingers, you will make the sound a donkey makes.
Shark Populations Down 71% Since 1970 #~# A new study published in the journal Nature found that the number of oceanic sharks and rays have declined by 71% in the last 50 years, mostly due to overfishing. What do you think?
Bad News For Gamers: OGN Has Learned Ocarinas Are Real And They Fucking Suck #~# If you were as big of a fan of  Ocarina Of Time as a kid, you must have tons of fond memories of using the game’s eponymous musical instrument to solve puzzles and teleport across the kingdom of Hyrule. Frankly, it was one of the most incredible parts of leading Link on his quest to defeat the evil king Ganondorf. So, you can imagine how excited we were when we uncovered evidence that ocarinas are actually real. Yep, that’s right. These things really do exist. Now, you would think this would be a cause for celebration. However, upon further examination, we discovered something terribly unfortunate about them.
Biden Continues Reading ‘The Pet Goat’ To Schoolchildren After Being Informed Of GameStop Situation #~# SARASOTA, FL—The nation teetering on the edge of chaos far greater than he had yet comprehended, President Joe Biden reportedly continued reading a passage from The Pet Goat to schoolchildren Thursday after being informed of the GameStop situation. According to observers, White House chief of staff Ron Klain entered the Booker Elementary School classroom Biden was visiting and approached the president at precisely 9:06 a.m., leaning down to whisper the news of the attack on Wall Street into his right ear as the group of second-grade students looked on. Upon receiving the information, Biden reportedly paused for a moment and stared into space before returning to sharing the story, while at the same time across the country, Secret Service agents had whisked Vice President Kamala Harris away into an underground bunker deep below the White House. Sources at the scene of the atrocity in New York City confirmed that though Wall Street was in ruins, a large steel beam twisted into the shape of a dollar sign had been discovered, which surviving investors had fashioned into a makeshift shrine. At press time, President Biden was delivering a somber speech to the nation from the Oval Office, vowing to draw no distinction between shitposters and the subreddits that harbor them.
‘Buy! No, Sell! No, Buy!’ Scream Dueling Front And Back Faces Of Jim Cramer Trying To Drown Each Other Out #~# ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—The spinning head of Jim Cramer reportedly began to make rapid 180-degree rotations during Thursday’s taping of Mad Money, with the dueling front and back faces of the show’s host screaming “Buy! No, sell! No, buy!” as they offered conflicting tips on the GameStop short squeeze. “Other people will try to tell you this is the time to dump all that overvalued stock, but what I’m saying right now is buy, buy, buy!” shouted the CNBC mainstay, who, amid a cacophony of buzzers and blaring sirens, slapped himself across one face, swiveled his neck around completely, and yelled, “No, you idiot—sell, sell, sell,” with his other face. “Ignore him! Buy! He’s the one who was wrong about crypto, wrong about Marathon Oil, wrong about Pfizer. I’m the one who’s trying to help you make some money. Who are you going to trust: the mouth that’s busy biting my hand right now, or the mouth that’s shouting at you about Reddit?” According to sources, Cramer closed out the segment by wrestling himself to the ground, with one hand punching his front face as the other hand punched the back.
‘When You Trap A Tiger’ Awarded 2021 Newbery Medal #~# The American Library Association awarded the John Newbery Medal to author Tae Keller for her children’s book When You Trap A Tiger, a story about a biracial girl who considers making a deal with a magical tiger to save her dying grandmother. What do you think?
Disney Installs Animatronic Christian Missionaries To Convert Natives On Jungle Cruise Ride #~# ORLANDO—In an effort to update its attractions for the current era, Disney announced Thursday that it would be installing animatronic Christian missionaries to convert natives on the Jungle Cruise ride. “We understand that people have been offended by these Christless savages, which is why we’re taking immediate steps to ensure they’re given the chance to change their heathen ways and bask in the light of Jesus,” said Disney’s Head Of Parks Josh D’Amaro, telling reporters that he had instructed the Imagineering team to comply with modern sensibilities by adding a cast of British baptists who would shame and castigate the natives for their sinful life of wanton carnality. “We’re hopeful Disney visitors of all ages will be able to enjoy this thrilling new story arc where the missionaries burn the natives’ idols, force them to wear western clothing, and slaughter those engaging in sodomy without fear of having to encounter outmoded stereotypes.” D’Amaro added that designers were also hard at work adding a scene to Disneyland’s Alice In Wonderland ride where the Mad Hatter is finally committed to a sanitarium. 
Report Finds Majority Of Americans Don’t Have Enough Reward Points Saved To Survive Sudden Skincare Disaster #~# MALVERN, PA—Demonstrating just how vulnerable a large segment of the populace is to dermatological emergencies, a new report released Thursday by the Vanguard Group found that most Americans don’t have enough reward points saved to cover the expense of a sudden skincare disaster. “Nearly 60% of U.S. residents don’t have a sufficient balance in their Aveda or Birchbox loyalty program accounts to weather an unexpected breakout or dry, flaky patch,” the report read in part, adding that the abrupt appearance of a blemish or dark under-eye circles could spell disaster for this group, because the cost of cleansing milks and radiance-boosting formulas would wipe out every credit they have acquired through their Ulta Beauty mobile app. “Any points these Americans do manage to accumulate—including special bonus rewards received on their birthdays—end up getting spent immediately on month-to-month skincare expenses, leaving them with virtually no safety net should they be faced with unforeseen bouts of dryness or enlarged pores. Even those who have reached the VIP or elite tiers of membership may find themselves desperately squeezing out the last little bit of rehydrating serum from a tiny trial sample they received as a perk.” According to sources in Washington, a bipartisan group of lawmakers is considering legislation that would give Americans earning less than 300 Kiehl’s points per year a one-time stimulus to cover up to $18 worth of shine-control toner.
Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan #~# Hear why authorities now believe the suspect stalked the 4-year-old buck for several hours before shooting him in the chest.
Hikers Urged To Avoid Appalachian Trail Over Covid Concerns #~# The Appalachian Trail Conservancy is urging hikers to postpone long-distance treks until after the pandemic, citing the inability to properly socially distance when using the shelters that run along the 2,193-mile trail. What do you think?
Curt Schilling Insists He’d Already Be Hall Of Famer If MLB Never Racially Integrated #~# MEDFIELD, MA—Criticizing the Baseball Writers’ Association of America for factoring social justice into their decision-making process, retired pitcher Curt Schilling insisted Wednesday that he’d already be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame if the MLB had never racially integrated. “I wish the media would put their liberal bias aside and look at the numbers I put up in the era of Black players,” said Schilling, who claimed that his Hall-of-Fame case had been negatively affected by his outspoken views, including those on the “sanctity” of pre-integration baseball. “It’s sad to see Cooperstown become yet another beloved American institution that’s been crushed by the left. The MLB has made it clear that they want nothing to do with white players like me, so I’d rather they just take my name off the ballot entirely. I’m sure they’ll be happy to roll out the red carpet for undeserving players who fit their identity politics like Derek Jeter.” At press time, Schilling slammed the Boston Red Sox, his former team, for “caving to the woke mob” when they became the last franchise to integrate in 1959.
Biden Authorizes U.S. Military To Shoot Down Any Harmful Greenhouse Gases That Enter Nation’s Airspace #~# WASHINGTON—Signing an executive order that would place the policy into effect immediately, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that he had authorized the United States military to shoot down any harmful greenhouse gases that enter the nation’s airspace. “With this executive order, I’m directing the military to use all weapons at their disposal to wipe out any carbon emissions attempting to slip into the country’s atmosphere,” said Biden, adding that military intervention was necessary to defeat the hostile fumes threatening the lives of our citizens. “Any carbon dioxide, methane, or fluorinated gases caught entering the air from industrial or agricultural processes will be shot on sight.” At press time, the U.S. had launched airstrikes on several dangerous smog clouds above the nation’s largest cities.
Citizens Pay $55 Million Each To Be Part Of Commercial Space Crew Visiting ISS #~# The privately funded aerospace company Axiom announced their first commercial crew to visit the International Space Station will include three citizens, who each paid $55 million to be part of the eight day visit. What do you think?
YouTube Removes Thousands Of Underperforming Covid Misinformation Videos #~# SAN BRUNO, CA—In an effort to crack down on the rapid proliferation of such uploads across the platform, YouTube released a press statement Wednesday revealing they had removed thousands of underperforming Covid-19 misinformation videos from their site. “After careful consideration, our team concluded that these deliberately misleading videos do not meet our community standards for highly shareable, binge-worthy content,” said CEO Susan Wojcicki, describing the uploaders’ failure to attempt any SEO optimization as “clearly irresponsible” and “potentially harmful” to the company’s bottom line. “It isn’t enough to simply put up a disclaimer that links to other Covid misinformation videos with a higher click-through rate. We need to take decisive action now to make sure that YouTube never suffers these sort of profit losses again.” At press time, the company had given each of the uploaders a 24-hour period to edit their videos by adding several more viral conspiracy theories before the bans became permanent.
NFL Reformers Criticize Cowboys-To-Broadcast Booth Pipeline #~# NEW YORK—Denouncing the corrupt system that sees the Dallas elite jumping into powerful positions with no competition, NFL reformers issued a statement Wednesday criticizing the league’s Cowboys-to-broadcast booth pipeline. “All these people do is land a position or coaching job on the Cowboys, and that guarantees a cushy commentary gig no matter how incompetent they are,” said activist leader Darin Soto, attacking the system that put Jimmy Johnson and Michael Irvin in the booth as degrading both the quality of the announcing and the game itself. “These entitled Cowboys push out far more qualified people simply because of their personal connection to Dallas. It creates a situation where people try to get on the Cowboys for the sole focus of advancing their career in the booth. How do you explain someone like Jason Witten getting a broadcast job when he clearly has no business talking?” At press time, Soto was urging the NFL to institute a 10-year ban on Cowboys players receiving jobs at FOX and ESPN.
Increasingly Bold Israel Begins Building Settlements In Downtown Albuquerque #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a move that shocked and angered city residents, including families that have called the area home for centuries, an increasingly bold Israel announced Tuesday that it had begun building settlements for its citizens in downtown Albuquerque, NM. “Our High Planning Committee has approved 1,200 new Israeli homes in Albuquerque’s central business district and will soon move forward with plans to expand into the nearby Old Town and Nob Hill neighborhoods as well,” said Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who confirmed Albuquerque Plaza, the Metropolitan Courthouse, and the historic KiMo Theatre were just a few among many of the city’s buildings that would soon be demolished to make way for brand-new Israeli subdivisions. “We will also be taking measures to protect these new settlements by building a barrier wall along the Santa Fe border, which can only be crossed by those holding an Israeli passport. In addition, we’ll have IDF troops patrolling all of Albuquerque to keep the peace, and any American resident charged with a crime will be tried in our military courts. Naturally, these measures are necessary to ensure Israel’s security interests.” At press time, the U.S. government had pledged to provide Israel with an additional $3 billion in military aid to help the nation defend its new territory.
Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’ #~# Hear why scrambling DHS officials are calling the missing folder “no big deal,” but they would really like to find it.
Paleontologists Say Baby Tyrannosaurs Were As Big As Medium-Sized Dogs #~# Paleontologists say new fossil evidence suggests Tyrannosaurs, a smaller cousin of the T-Rex, were the “size of a border collie” when hatched. What do you think?
Pros And Cons Of Eliminating The Filibuster #~# The 50-50 deadlock in the Senate has led to calls for Democrats to eliminate the filibuster, which requires 60 votes for much of the chamber’s legislation to pass, in order to enact President Biden’s agenda, while opponents from both sides of the aisle warn of unintended consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of eliminating the filibuster.
National Guard Returns To Endless Sleep Under Mount Rushmore Until Nation Calls Upon Them Again #~# KEYSTONE, SD—Growing increasingly still as the haze of patriotism lulled them into an enchanted rest, the National Guard reportedly returned to their endless sleep underneath Mount Rushmore Tuesday until the nation was ready to call upon them again. “The National Guard issued a solemn salute to the flag before re-entering the sulfurous cavern to rest,” said Pentagon sources, recalling that the service members climbed inside George Washington’s carved rock nose to enter the monument. “Marching in lockstep, standing shoulder to shoulder, the National Guard stopped all at once and entered a deep slumber. Their uniforms, weapons, and bodies effortlessly camouflaging with the granite memorial.” At press time, the National Guard had already been awakened to quell protests in Portland.
Experts Say Severe Weather Will Continue Until Gargantuan Child Shaking Earth’s Snow Globe Calms Down #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that a full-blown tantrum may be imminent, experts from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed Tuesday that severe weather will continue worldwide until the gargantuan child currently shaking Earth’s snow globe calms down. “We expect the onslaught of blizzards, hurricanes, lightning storms, and other dangerous meteorological phenomena to persist until Emma loses interest in the Earth’s snow globe,” said National Weather Service Director Louis Uccellini, adding that the glass orb the planet resides in is only the size of a baseball to the enormous 7-year-old and that she is likely unaware of the destructive forces she unleashes whenever she flips it upside down and shakes it. “This constant jiggling is creating a series of low-pressure systems that are devastating communities across the entire Earth. Unless Emma stops playing so rambunctiously, we predict the world will be ravaged by treacherous floods, F5 tornadoes, and catastrophic tsunamis. Worse yet, if she decides to crank the music box at the base of the snow globe, all 7.3 billion humans risk having their eardrums blown out by an extremely loud version of Silent Night.” At press time, humanity was plunged into darkness after the colossal child hid the snow globe in the back of her closet after accidentally cracking it.
CDC Warns About More Deadly Covid Variants After Virus Mutates Into Serial Killer Richard Ramirez #~# ATLANTA—Urging the nation’s populace to remain vigilant against the lethal pathogen, the Centers for Disease Control held a press conference Tuesday to warn of an even more deadly Covid variant after the virus mutated into notorious serial killer Richard Ramirez. “In an effort to avoid this virus, we are asking all Americans to remain at home with the door locked, and we recommend cities continue to implement curfews, as our data indicate this new variant often strikes at night,” said CDC director Dr. Rochelle Walensky, stressing that Americans should avoid social gatherings as the cruel, remorseless virus was capable of moving undetected through large groups of people. “We believe that the virus is currently speeding up the California coast, with the possibility of traveling much further. Be on the lookout for common symptoms such as bloody tire irons and Satanic pentagrams. If you believe you may have seen this Covid variant in your community, please immediately contact the authorities.” At press time, Walensky urged Americans to steel themselves for additional Covid variants after getting early reports of a Zodiac Killer mutation which was almost impossible to trace.
Merck Halts Development Of Coronavirus Vaccines #~# Pharmaceutical company Merck is dropping its coronavirus vaccine development program after early results showed the drugs failed to generate an adequate immune response. What do you think?
Late-Arriving Protestor Has No Idea What He’s Chanting #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to approximate the phrase currently being shouted by his fellow protesters, late-arriving rally attendee Dane Stein reportedly cried out “Darf the yannum!” Tuesday, having no idea what he was supposed to be saying as he joined in with the chant. “Gerf to the plennum? Gerf to the plennum!” yelled Stein, who confirmed he had failed to make it to the protest on time after stopping by Panera to pick up a breakfast sandwich and had been forced to scan the signs held by demonstrators for clues as to the rallying cry’s proper wording. “Wait, am I supposed to be against the florff, or are we supporting it? I wish I could read lips, because all I’m hearing right now is ‘No more garffdan.’ Oh, fuck it, maybe I should just clap.” At press time, opting for the surest way to show his unambiguous support for the cause, Stein had reportedly lit himself on fire.
‘Home Gym Equipment Is Still Sold Out Everywhere,’ Man Hopes #~# REDDING, CA—Convinced that any search would just be a futile waste of time, local man Brian Kirk speculated Tuesday that home gym equipment was still sold out everywhere. “I checked out a couple places back in June and they were out of stock, so I’m pretty sure that is still the case now,” said Kirk, content to sit back and blame his complete lack of physical activity on the fact a local Dick’s Sporting Goods had been out of free weights 10 months ago. “The resale market is pretty crazy too, I bet. I don’t want to get ripped off when I could just wait a few more months. In fact, I’m not even sure it’s legal to go running right now, and without cardio what’s the point? I’m mentally tough enough that I can hold out until 2022 before getting too desperate about exercising.” Kirk added that while grocery shopping had been considered acceptable for some time, it was still too risky to stop ordering takeout for every meal.
Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids #~# And they weren’t even playing with it right. Hear why these dead children apparently thought it would be a good idea to ruin the fun for everyone else.
The Weeknd To Star In Super Bowl Halftime Show #~# Canadian singer-songwriter The Weeknd will headline the 2021 Super Bowl Pepsi Halftime show in Tampa, Florida. What do you think?
Rest Easy: Bethesda Announces That Shia LaBeouf Will Appear In ‘Indiana Jones’ Game But His Character Dies Almost Immediately #~# Details about Bethesda’s upcoming Indiana Jones game have been hush-hush ever since they shared a teaser trailer earlier this January, but fans are already anxious about whether the standalone adventure will feature Crystal Skull’s intrepid adventurer Mutt Williams, played by Shia LaBeouf. Well, gamers, you can rest easy, because Bethesda has announced that while LaBeouf will be in the upcoming game, his character dies almost as soon as he appears.
CDC Announces Country On Track To Chuck 1 Million Expired Vaccines Per Day #~# ATLANTA—Stressing the challenge of overcoming numerous obstacles, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that the United States was finally on track to chuck out 1 million expired vaccines per day. “After spending months struggling with the vaccine rollout, we at the CDC are proud to announce that, come February, the U.S. will finally be meeting our goal of shit-canning one million doses a day,” said Rochelle Walensky, director of the Center, explaining how, thanks to the help of the federal government, drug manufacturers have greatly ramped up production and distribution of the inoculation so it can now be tossed out with maximum speed and efficiency. “When we announced our goal, it may have seemed overly ambitious, but thanks to poor coordination and funding cuts among state and local entities, we were able to make what seemed like a moonshot into reality. This moment is a major milestone in the fight against Covid that will be remembered for generations to come.” Walensky added that if they keep their current pace, the U.S.’s entire vaccine stockpile could be in the garbage by summer.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders Vows To Protect Good People Of Arkansas From Any Questions #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Announcing her official bid for governor, Sarah Huckabee Sanders vowed Monday to protect the good people of Arkansas from any questions. “As governor, I promise to do everything in my power to ensure Arkansans never have to answer another heinous question again,” said Sanders, who explained she was compelled to run for office after witnessing firsthand the destructive effects of questions in Washington. “Questions are the biggest threat facing Arkansans. From the Ozark Mountains to the Mississippi River, I will protect all of our people from queries. Whether you work in a turkey plant or in oil production, your life shouldn’t have to revolve around answering irksome questions. Those eliciting information have no place in Arkansas. This is God’s country, and we speak in statements.” At press time, Sanders had become irate after a reporter asked her how she planned to accomplish this.
Wise, Thoughtful Elder Won’t Put A Sock In It #~# LINCOLN, NE—Bestowing upon friends and family the hard-won knowledge of a lifetime filled with challenges and setbacks, wise and thoughtful elder Glen Weissman couldn’t seem to put a goddamn sock in it Monday, according to sources close to the retired farmer and Korean War veteran. “Grandpa may have learned a lot growing up in the Dust Bowl and carrying on for decades after his wife died, but apparently he still hasn’t learned when it’s time to shut his pie hole,” said Phil Weissman, 23, expressing indignation that the gracious and genial family patriarch would not stop “droning on and on” about what he would do differently if he could live life over again despite numerous hints from impatient listeners. “It’s like, we get it, okay? His greatest regret is not taking more time with the people he loves most. Well, he’s certainly taken enough of everyone’s time today. I’m fucking exhausted.” At press time, reports confirmed the octogenarian had finally stopped passing down the wisdom of a generation after the internet connection at the nursing home cut out and the family Zoom call was terminated.
Disguised Amazon Drone Sneaks Into Worker Meeting To Disrupt Union Talk #~# BESSEMER, AL—Quietly gliding into a corner of the room as the rest of the warehouse employees filed in, a disguised Amazon drone reportedly snuck into a worker meeting Monday to disrupt union talks. “Hey guys, I don’t know about all this union stuff—doesn’t it feel like it could impact Amazon’s competitiveness in the global market?” said the aerial vehicle, which blended imperceptibly into the small crowd of gathered workers with the aid of  a fluorescent safety vest draped over its frame. “I don’t know about you, but I love my job, and think it’s one of the best there is. Our total compensation package rules! I just want to keep hovering, I mean, walking, around the warehouse floor without fear of retaliation from management. Plus, who wants to pay union dues? When my last job at Alabama factory organized, our dues were 70% of our wages! Wouldn’t you rather spend that money on great products from Amazon, or antennas?” At press time, an Amazon Alexa wearing a pair of safety goggles had spoken up to second everything the drone had just said.
Area Man Knows Nothing Good Ever Happens When Godzilla, King Kong Find Themselves In Same Movie #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling the decision to reunite two super-powerful monsters a “recipe for disaster,”  Los Angeles resident Patrick Underwood told reporters Monday that he knew nothing good ever happened when Godzilla and King Kong found themselves in the same movie. “I’m just saying, King Kong is a gigantic and destructive bloodthirsty gorilla, and Godzilla is a 984-foot-tall prehistoric sea monster—how in god’s name is this going to end well?” said Underwood, adding that the legendary beings had caused enough destruction to their respective cities while they were apart, so the last thing humanity needed was to do something stupid, like put them together. “Look, maybe one day King Kong and Godzilla could end up being friends, but right now, they seem to have some really bad blood. All I can hope for is that when they finally do meet, they aren’t in a crowded area where there are any humans or buildings around, and that Mothra, King Ghidora, and Rodan all stay away.” Underwood added that he assumed everyone learned their lesson after Batman v Superman, but apparently the harbinger just fell on deaf ears. 
Arizona GOP Censures Anti-Trump Republicans #~# The Arizona GOP voted on Saturday to censure Governor Doug Ducey for imposing emergency Covid-19 orders as well as former Senator Jeff Flake and Cindy McCain for supporting Joe Biden in the 2020 election. What do you think?
Report: Lincoln Memorial Most Powerful Testament To Nation’s Passion For Sitting Down #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming the monument’s resonance endured a century after its construction, a new report released Monday found that the Lincoln Memorial remained the most powerful testament to the nation’s passion for sitting down. “The Lincoln Memorial stands as a noble and powerful reminder that regardless of color, faith, or creed, taking a load off and plopping down remains one of the country’s foremost ideals,” read the Pew Research Center report in part, which found that over 80% of Americans agreed that the Lincoln Memorial was the nation’s most meaningful symbol of the patriotic belief in taking a seat to rest their tired feet for a minute, with Boston’s statue of John Harvard and Cincinnati’s James Bradley statue a distant second and third. “Americans are a sedentary people, and sitting has long been one of the nation’s most valued and powerful stances. It’s a position that is so ingrained in the American character that President Lincoln sat down right up until he died, a martyr for his cause of remaining seated. The Lincoln Memorial sits as a resolute tribute to our shared beliefs and history.” The report added that Americans continued to disapprove of statues of Confederate generals because although many of them were sitting, they were sitting on horses, and the nation overwhelmingly rejected any memorials that celebrated the lost cause of physical activity.
Tearful Justin Trudeau Chains Self To Keystone Pipeline To Stop Biden Administration From Destroying Oil Industry Heritage Site #~# HARDISTY, ALBERTA—Growing emotional as he fastened himself to the oil transportation network, a tearful Justin Trudeau reportedly chained himself to the Keystone pipeline Friday to stop the Biden Administration from destroying a significant oil industry heritage site. “For years, this beautiful pipeline has held a unique cultural value to the Canadian people, and I will do anything—even risk life and limb—to ensure crass environmental interests don’t prevent future generations from experiencing its incredible splendor of synthetic crude oil and diluted bitumen,” said the visibly upset prime minister, who paused several times to compose himself before emphasizing that the pipeline were a “national treasure” that rivaled the canals of Venice or even the Egyptian pyramids. “This is a monument, a testament, to the great Canadian ideal: sturdy and mighty, overflowing with profit. In fact, if we lose this, we lose who we are as an oil-hungry, profit-driven people.” At press time, hundreds of oil executives had joined Trudeau in his protest, shackling themselves to the pipeline with demands to restore the landmark to its former glory.
Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters #~# Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly.
Some Grocery Stores To Pay Employees To Get Vaccinated #~# Aldi joined Trader Joe’s and Dollar General this week in announcing plans to pay employees to get the Covid-19 vaccine when it becomes available. What do you think?
Janet Yellen Clears Key Confirmation Hurdle After Correctly Identifying $5 Bill In Blind Taste Test #~# WASHINGTON—With a 26-0 vote of approval from the Senate Finance Committee, treasury secretary nominee Janet Yellen cleared a key confirmation hurdle Friday after correctly identifying a $5 bill in a blind taste test. “I’m definitely detecting notes of low denomination,” said the blindfolded Yellen, who reportedly swirled the currency around in her mouth to savor what she recognized as hints of a late 2000s blend of cotton and linen, most likely pressed in the East Coast region. “The plastic strip evident on the palate tells me it’s not a counterfeit, and the earthy notes mean it’s been in circulation for a while. Certainly can’t be of Mnuchin-vintage. Ah, I’m sensing a strong watermark on the backend—it’s a 2009 Geithner $5 bill, serial number JA06046325.” According to sources, Yellen now faces a full Senate vote before which she will be expected to show her expertise by pairing big economic bailouts with irresponsible corporations.
NFL Conference Championships: Keys To The Matchups #~# With two up-and-coming teams taking on two recent powerhouses, this year’s NFL Conference Championship week is proof that whether you’re a hapless franchise down on its luck or a perennial title contender, the only thing that matters in football is having a good quarterback. Here are Onion Sports’ keys to victory for both weekend matchups.
China Sanctions Mike Pompeo Along With 27 Other Trump Administration Officials #~# China has imposed sanctions on 28 members of the Trump administration, including Mike Pompeo, Steve Bannon, John Bolton, and Alex Azar, banning the former officials from entering mainland China or doing business in the country. What do you think?
Jane Goodall Announces She All About Lizards Now #~# GALÁPAGOS ISLANDS, ECUADOR—Looking forward to exploring a new chapter of her storied 60-year career, Jane Goodall issued a statement Friday announcing she’s all about lizards now. “Gila monsters, bearded dragons, Komodo dragons, Nile monitors, iguanas, jungle-runners, chameleons—you name it, and if it’s a lizard, then I probably like it,” the 86-year-old scientist, who explained that while chimpanzees had had a good run, it was time to turn her studies toward the group of reptiles, of which there were over 6,000 thrilling species to enjoy. “Hopefully, it’s only a matter of time until I’m considered the world’s foremost expert on skinks. Don’t get me wrong, apes are still cool, but these little guys are just wicked. Plus, at this point, I’ve basically learned everything there is to know about chimps. I’m going to spend some time living in gecko society for a bit. They’re really, really similar to humans, actually. Did you know some lizards can regrow their tails? Let’s see a chimp do that.” At press time, Dr. Goodall added that the Jane Goodall Institute would immediately begin reallocating all its resources from protecting great apes from poachers and traffickers to protecting geckos from snakes.
Jerry Seinfeld Destitute After Purchasing $950 Million Car #~# NEW YORK—Acknowledging that he was now completely bankrupt, comedian Jerry Seinfeld confirmed Friday that he was destitute after pouring his entire fortune into the purchase of a $950 million car. “Yes, it was expensive, but on the other hand, it’s a really incredible car, which is great since I’ll be living out of it for the foreseeable future” said Seinfeld of the souped-up 2019 Bugatti Divo he had purchased at auction for a sum of $950 million plus the syndication rights of the Seinfeld television program. “This is an absolutely gorgeous, one-of-a-kind automobile—you can feel the unparalleled power and torque when you pull into the Walmart parking lot to sleep for the night. And while I may not have a home or a family anymore, I know I’ll be having the time of my life as long as there’s still gas in the car, and luckily it came with a full tank so that shouldn’t be a problem for a while yet. By the way, I’d be happy to give you a ride in the car for only $50.” At press time, Seinfeld announced upcoming reboots of Bee Movie and The Marriage Ref as well as a new edition of Seinlanguage in an effort to afford his insurance payments.
Biden’s Plans For His First 100 Days #~# Following his inauguration, speculation has turned to what President Joe Biden will do with his first 100 days in office. The Onion takes a deep dive into the first 100 days of the Biden administration.
Sarah Thomas Becomes First Woman To Officiate At Super Bowl #~# NFL official Sarah Thomas will become the first woman to officiate at the Super Bowl, where she will serve as the down judge. What do you think?
Rumors Confirmed: IO Interactive Confirms Agent 47’s Barcode Brings Up Del Monte Whole Green Beans When Scanned #~# With the Hitman trilogy finally wrapping up this month, series fans everywhere can celebrate a fittingly badass end to one of gaming’s great stealth antiheroes. But one nagging mystery—the story behind the protagonist’s iconic tattoos—remained unsolved. That is until today, when iO Interactive confirmed a long-rumored theory that scanning Agent 47’s barcode would bring up a can of Del Monte Whole Green Beans.
UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law #~# We have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle.
NBA Fans Admit They Could Have Used Longer Break From Chris Webber #~# WASHINGTON—Lamenting the quick turnaround from the 2020 NBA “Bubble” to the start of a new season, the nation’s basketball fans admitted Thursday they could have used a longer break from TNT broadcaster Chris Webber. “Sure I’m worried about injures because of the compressed schedule, but more than that we really needed a longer layoff from listening C-Webb drone on about nonsense,” said Wizards fan Len Marcus, who commended the NBA for shortening the regular season to 72 games, therefore limiting Webber’s opportunities to deliver meandering anecdotes and hapless guesses as to what players are thinking. “You don’t realize how much you need that four-month break until you’re out there listening to Webber improvising a new catchphrase. It’s never been easy to sit through all his takes, and this shortened off season only makes matters worse. I understand that the league didn’t want the season to end in October again so fans wouldn’t have to listen to Chris on an atypical schedule, but this is taking a serious toll on my mental health.” At press time, millions of NBA fans worldwide signed a petition urging Turner Sports to give Webber the year off. 
Fauci Says 100 Million Vaccinations In 100 Days Is Feasible #~# Dr. Anthony Fauci said in an interview that President Biden’s plan to have 100 million Americans vaccinated in his first 100 days in office is “absolutely a doable thing” as two more pharmaceutical companies submit vaccines for FDA approval. What do you think?
Inaugural Address Spills Over Into Second Day As Biden Continues To List Greatest Issues Facing Nation #~# WASHINGTON—Carrying on breathlessly with no sign of soon stopping, President Joe Biden’s inaugural address spilled over into the second day Thursday as he continued to list the greatest issues facing the nation. “Child poverty, crumbling infrastructure, cyber warfare, wildfires, opioids, domestic violence, hunger, and homelessness plague our nation—not to mention sex trafficking, automation, hurricanes, obesity, and misinformation,” said Biden, who clutched the podium with both hands in exhaustion as his speech to the nation stretched into its 26th hour, continuing to list immigration, unemployment, offshoring, guns, the wage gap, and water contamination as just a few of thousands of challenges waiting on the road ahead. “Gerrymandering, the decline of manufacturing, sexual harassment, and food deserts. Chlamydia, the cost of insulin, water privatization, credit card debt, dog fighting, and teen drinking. High murder rates on indigenous reservations and rising sea levels and smog. Low teacher salaries, E. coli, data breaches, voter suppression, animal testing, and PTSD. Plus, you can’t forget the student loan crisis, lobster overfishing, the structural inequalities of the Senate, home foreclosures, the loneliness epidemic, toddler drowning deaths, cyberbullying, and suicide.” At press time, Biden had continued rattling off gang violence, robocalling, and asthma as EMTs transported the dehydrated president into an ambulance.
Pete Buttigieg Vows To Bring Together Small-Town And Big-City Streets Into One Beautiful American Intersection #~# WASHINGTON—In response to questions about his plans for the agency at his Senate confirmation hearing, Secretary of Transportation nominee Pete Buttigieg vowed Thursday to bring together small-town and big-city streets into one beautiful American intersection. “The Biden administration in which I would serve wants to unify this country, and I can think of nothing that would bring all Americans together than converging every single dirt backroad, boulevard, and highway into one big melting pot of an intersection,” said Buttigieg, distributing a mockup he’d made of all the nation’s expressways, agriculture roads, causeways, arterials, and alleys converging in a single massive traffic circle in the middle of Kansas. “In this time of unprecedented challenges to our nation’s founding principles, we must strive for a unified transportation system where every rural gravel road connects to every eight-lane highway, where no one-way city street in Seattle prevents you from accessing a ridge road in Tennessee. For too long, Americans have been divided by medians, stayed in their bubbles of turnpikes or bus lanes or private driveways, and it is time for that to end. Whether you’re on a cul-de-sac, a frontage road, a lane, a restricted byway, or Interstate 90, you should be able to drive to the middle of the country, enter the 100-mile roundabout I have planned, and merge onto any other avenue, trunk road, or corniche that this country has to offer. Once we all travel across the country and meet up in the intersection’s rest stop to get gas and pick out something from one of the vending machines, I think we’ll realize that we’re not so different after all.” At press time, the senators were voting unanimously to confirm Buttigieg after he outlined his plans to expand the big, beautiful American intersection to include every railroad track, airstrip, and shipping lane in the country.
Archaeologists Uncover Separate Team Of Archaeologists Digging Towards Them From Other Side Of Globe #~# MENDOZA, ARGENTINA—Announcing that they had made an astounding once-in-a-lifetime discovery, a team of archaeologists from Rutgers University Thursday reportedly uncovered a separate team of archaeologists digging toward them from the other side of the globe. “While our initial assumption was that we had stumbled on the previously unknown descendants of some ancient race of upside-down people, it turns out that this was a group of Canadian and Chinese archaeologists who had dug through the center of the Earth from a site in Mongolia,” said lead archaeologist Denise Mendoza, adding that the newly discovered archaeologists were like her own team in many respects and even used many of the same tools. “At first, we thought we were looking in a mirror, but as we moved our hands back and forth with these subterranean natives, we realized that we were actually from two  different sides of the planet. We have a lot to learn from this group and their ways of tunneling through the earth, so we’ve brought in teams of anthropologists to attempt to speak to them in their own tongue in order to glean information into their way of life. It appears that, much like us, they also use small brushes to clean dust and debris from artifacts. Ultimately, we’re hopeful that this is discovery will offer crucial additions to our understanding of how they do archaeological work elsewhere on the planet.” The archaeological team added that it had had to tread carefully after one of the members of the team fell in love with one of the archaeologists who had dug through from the other side of the globe.
Know Your Rights: If A Cop Asks You To Stop Gaming, You Don’t Have To #~# We at OGN believe it’s impossible to overstate the importance of knowing your rights as a gamer. Especially in this day and age as more fanboys and girls than ever are seeing their civil liberties infringed upon for peaceful acts like trying to   level up their Charmeleon or grab a few extra Power Moons. That’s why we would like to take a moment to remind of one important thing:
Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden #~# Hear why authorities are now questioning how this 10 to 15 mph gust was able to get so close to the 78-year-old president in the first place.
Rescue Crews In China Work To Save Trapped Miners #~# Rescuers are working to save 22 people trapped 2,000 feet underground inside a gold mine that collapsed nine days ago in China’s eastern Shandong Province. What do you think?
Supporters Waltz With Cutouts Of Biden, Harris During Socially Distanced Inaugural Ball #~# WASHINGTON—Paying $10,000 a ticket to participate in the festivities, wealthy Biden supporters waltzed with cardboard cutouts of the president and Vice President Kamala Harris Wednesday during the socially distanced inaugural ball. “It’s great to still be able to celebrate this historic day despite Covid restrictions,” said Maxwell Hines, one of Biden’s many affluent donors who all received identical cutouts of the nation’s new leaders to twirl around and toast with champagne in the comfort of their own homes. “Just because there’s a pandemic going on doesn’t mean we can’t throw on some music and dance the night away. Sure, it doesn’t have all the glitz and glamor of the real thing, but I’m getting way more one-on-one time with the president than I normally would.” At press time, a drunk Hines was arguing with his Biden cutout when the president seemed uninterested in his corporate tax concerns. 
Nation Could Have Sworn There Was Already First Female Vice President #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing there was  no way they were wrong about this, the nation told reporters Wednesday  they could have sworn there had already been a first female vice  president. “Everyone’s calling Kamala Harris the first woman to be  elected vice president, but surely there was at least one before that,  right?” said 330 million Americans in unison, frowning as they racked  their brains and pulled out their phones to verify who Condoleezza Rice  was and whether she had ever been vice president. “Really, not one? I  don’t believe it. I know  there’s never been a female president, but a vice president? Come on.  Wasn’t FDR’s wife vice president? No? Hmm. What about that one lady, uh,  RBG? Hillary Clinton? It would be pretty disrespectful if they were  overlooking Hillary Clinton. Cleopatra? Barbara Bush? Oh yeah, there’s Angela Merkel, but I guess technically she’s a different country. One second, it’s on the tip of my tongue.” At press time, the nation confirmed they were pretty confident it was Laura or Lauren something.
White Man Finds It Fitting That Today Also Martin Luther King Jr. Day #~# WASHINGTON—Smiling to himself about the historical parallels it invited, local white man Cam Hopkins told reporters Wednesday that he found it fitting that the day of Biden’s historic inauguration was also Martin Luther King Jr. Day. “It’s probably just a coincidence, but they really couldn’t have picked a day  with more symbolic resonance,” said Hopkins, taking to social media to  post a picture of Biden being sworn in along with a Malcolm X quote in  order to memorialize the important occasion. “This ceremony is all the  more powerful because it can’t help but invoke that moment 80 years ago today when Deacon King  marched to Birmingham to deliver his famous ‘I Have A Dream’ speech. To  be honest, I’m surprised I haven’t been hearing more about this on the  news.” At press time, Hopkins was struck by the solemness of the moment  after realizing the inauguration had taken place at the same location  where President Robert Kennedy was shot.
Mets Fire General Manager For Sexually Harassing Reporter #~# The New York Mets have fired General Manager Jared Porter for sending dozens of texts and explicit photos to a woman reporter in 2016. What do you think?
Next Steps For Trump Administration Members #~# As Donald Trump’s divisive presidency draws to a close, questions have arisen as to the future plans of his administration, and whether they will face difficulties securing positions outside the White House. The Onion provides analysis of what the Trump administration members will do next.
Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden #~# WASHINGTON—When the life of the newly inaugurated 78-year-old president was threatened Wednesday, Secret Service agent Marshall Cole did not hesitate to dive heroically in front of the strong breeze that could have felled Joe Biden, according to reports from the scene. “I wouldn’t have accepted this detail with the new administration if I weren’t willing to take a moderate gust of wind for the president,” said Cole, who appeared completely unscathed by a direct hit to the chest from a breeze that came within inches of Biden and might have caused the president to lose his balance and fall, potentially breaking a hip or suffering a stroke from which he would never recover. “I felt a gentle wafting of air coming up the West Front of the Capitol, and when I realized it was heading straight for the president, I jumped into action immediately. But I want to stress that I only did what any other member of this agency would have done in my position. We all underwent extensive training beforehand to ensure no stairs, uneven surfaces, damp chills, or prolonged exposures to sunlight would endanger President Biden. Obviously, if a light drizzle had begun to fall, we would have rushed him to a secure location immediately.” At press time, Biden had reportedly been hospitalized after he fell backward and collapsed beneath a medal of valor he was trying to bestow upon Cole for his courageous actions.
Crowd Politely Cheers Along As Pat Toomey’s Senate Jazz Combo Plays Opening Set At Inauguration #~# WASHINGTON—Moments after the five-piece band capped off a hard bop-inflected rendition of “Hail To The Chief,” the inauguration crowd reportedly politely cheered along Wednesday as Sen. Pat Toomey’s jazz combo played the opening set before the swearing-in of Joe Biden. “Yeah, Toomey’s band definitely isn’t as tight as some of the pro ensembles on the D.C. club scene, but when Mitch McConnell gets a chance to blow on that horn, it’s kind of surprising how well he can wail,”  said D.C. resident Gregory Shaw, pausing to snap along to Pat Toomey’s Quintet as a feather porkpie–bedecked Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) traded off clarinet solos with Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-HI). “I guess I didn’t need to hear another cover of ‘My Funny Valentine,’ and sure, some of the fusion stuff they’re doing isn’t really up my alley. But they’re clearly really into this stuff. Apparently they practice all the time over in Richard Burr’s basement, so it’s nice that the inaugural team gave them a chance to work on their chops. I just wish they’d stop plugging their CDs between every song.” At press time, the crowd had started booing after the band abruptly switched gears into a cover of John Coltrane’s free jazz opus Kulu Sé Mama. 
Stray Doberman Accidentally Sworn In As President After Putting Paw On Inaugural Bible #~# WASHINGTON—Letting out a loud, slobbery bark as onlookers gasped in horror, a stray Doberman pinscher who put his paw on the inaugural Bible was accidentally sworn in as president of the United States, government officials confirmed Wednesday. The 98-pound short-haired canine, who bounded up the stage and sprinted straight past Secret Service, reportedly knocked over President-elect Joe Biden, licked his face, and then placed his right front paw directly onto the leather-bound volume at the exact moment Chief Justice John Roberts began to recite the oath of office. According to sources, the scene that followed was one of great confusion, with aides informing a visibly dumbfounded Joe and Jill Biden that the Doberman, which clawed several pages out of the family’s heirloom Bible and then proceeded to lick his own groin, would begin his term immediately and serve for the next four years. A White House spokesperson later told reporters that Ace, the nation’s 46th commander-in-chief, would soon take his first trip as president, a visit to Texas during which he is expected to urinate on the border wall.
‘Look, He Came After All!’ Says Inauguration Guest Spotting Trump Crouching With Rifle On Nearby Roof #~# WASHINGTON—Excited to see that the president had changed his mind about attending the historic event, inauguration guest Ted Mackie was reportedly pleased to see Trump crouching with a rifle on a nearby roof. “I know he was angry about the loss, but at the end of the day, he loves this country, and he wanted to make sure that he could show the American people that he bears no ill will,” said Mackie, noting that Trump’s relaxed body language of leaning behind a turret to adjust his rifle scope suggested that he had finally made peace with the transition of power. “It was a bitter election but now that it’s over, it’s nice that he’s willing to face his rival directly, with Biden’s head directly between the gun’s cross hairs.” At press time, Mackie was reportedly further thrilled about the inauguration’s surprise guests after Trump waved in dozens of masked gunmen. 
Trump Directs Movers Loading Bubble-Wrapped Melania Into Storage Pod #~# WASHINGTON—Warning the crew to be very careful while transporting his valuables outside the White House, Donald Trump reportedly directed movers Wednesday to load a bubble-wrapped Melania into a storage pod. “All right, everything here that I’ve marked with a Sharpie comes with me, and everything else, including the first lady, goes into a warehouse for storage,” said Trump, as he surveyed dozens of cardboard boxes labeled “kitchen,” “family room,” and “bedroom” before pausing to write the word “FRAGILE” across his wife’s face. “Don’t get me wrong, Melania’s looked great the last four years, but I wouldn’t exactly call her a top-priority item for my new place. Seriously though, if you put even the smallest scratch anywhere on her body, I’ll come after you for all your worth. That’s a rare and expensive Slovenian piece that’s extremely difficult to replace, and I’m more than prepared to sue you for damages.” At press time, Trump was cussing out several movers after they forgot to secure the first lady inside the vehicle, only to open the door and find her crushed beneath a couch. 
Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club #~# For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress.
U.S. Enters Constitutional Crisis After Forgetting Whether Transfer Of Presidential Power Happens At 12 A.M. Or 12 P.M. #~# WASHINGTON—Unable to pinpoint the exact time the new administration takes over, the United States reportedly entered a constitutional crisis Wednesday after officials forgot whether the transfer of presidential power happens at 12:00 a.m. or 12:00 p.m. “Shit, shit, shit, do we have Biden take over at midnight or does it happen over lunchtime?” said Anita Dunn, senior advisor to the President-elect, as the fate of the nation’s democracy hung in the balance while teams of stumped constitutional scholars struggled to discern whether Biden’s term legitimately starts when he puts his hand on the Bible or when “Hail To The Chief” plays. “P.M. means post meridian, so it seems like it has to do with the placement of the sun, but then—fuck—how do we factor in time zone differences? Do we need to appoint an acting president for a few hours or something, or does the House speaker need to hit their gavel in a special way? I’m completely lost.” At press time, transition officials decided to just go with whatever the hell it said on Wikipedia.
FBI Vetting 25,000 National Guard Members Ahead Of Inauguration #~# The FBI is screening all 25,000 National Guard troops involved in securing the Capitol during Joe Biden’s Wednesday inauguration due to concerns of an insider attack. What do you think?
‘New York Times’ Retracts Entire ‘The Daily’ Amid Revelations It Completely Fabricated Michael Barbaro #~# NEW YORK—Apologizing for misleading readers after new evidence came to light, the New York Times announced Tuesday that it was retracting the entire podcast The Daily amid revelations that the newspaper had completely fabricated Michael Barbaro. “Our readers deserve transparency and accountability, which is why we’re being open now by admitting, categorically, that a podcast host named Michael Barbaro does not exist, and The Daily’s reporting, publishing, and promotional structure is based on that fundamental lie,” said New York Times executive editor Dean Baquet in a statement, adding that the publication had used a series of voice actors and pictures of an employee in the newspaper’s sales department to create the fake persona of Michael Barbaro. “To careful listeners, there were inklings early on that The Daily was a hoax, from some discrete vocal tics of the several stand-ins for Mr. Barbaro to many glaring inconsistencies in the podcast’s ability to cover complicated subjects. Of course, as the podcast got more and more successful, the central lie became bigger, we added more fake reporters to the podcast, and we even conjured up illegitimate stories that could help turn our fake Mr. Barbaro into a media darling. We let it completely get out of hand. Ultimately, Mr. Barbaro and The Daily are just some of the more whimsical creations our staff came up with, and we apologize for misleading readers so extensively.” At press time, the New York Times was forced to issue a flurry of additional apologies and retractions after reports emerged that executive editor Baquet was also a fabrication and that the newspaper had based nearly all of its stories for decades on anonymous sources that also turned out not to exist.
Trump To Issue Up To 100 Pardons On Tuesday #~# President Trump is expected to issue up to 100 pardons and commutations before he leaves office Wednesday, though his advisors are urging him not to pardon himself, his family or his supporters from the January 6th Capitol riot. What do you think?
Up-And-Coming White Supremacist Added To FBI’s Terrorists To Watch List #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the violent extremist had showed the grit and determination to earn his place on the coveted list, FBI director Christopher Wray told reporters Tuesday about plans to add white supremacist Peter Nowak to the agency’s Terrorists To Watch List. “Elevating Nowak to the top of this list is our way of saying that Nowak is the real deal: this guy is absolutely full of hate and loving it,” said Wray in a press conference in which he described the Pennsylvania native as having the “bomb-making skills to pay the bills” and a proven track record of genocidal anger that warranted giving him a spot alongside such past honorees as Whitey Bulger and Osama bin Laden. “He’s young, he’s vibrant, and he’s an absolute go-getter in the world of racial violence. Trust me, this kid is going to do big, big things in terrifying minorities in the next couple of years. Remember the name Peter Nowak now, because pretty soon you’re not going to be able to forget it.” At press time, Wray added that although he had sadly decided to remove Abdul Rahman Yasin after years on the list, it did not diminish the FBI’s abiding respect for his work on the 1993 World Trade Center bombing.
Trump Panicking After Realizing Fingerprints All Over White House #~# WASHINGTON—Feeling agitated and desperate with less than 24 hours on the clock, President Donald Trump was reportedly panicking Tuesday after realizing his fingerprints were all over the White House. “Oh God, I touched everything—there’s no way we have time to get this whole place cleaned,” said Trump, who emptied a bottle of bleach over the Resolute desk as he and a team of aides worked frantically to scrub every surface, doorknob, and square inch of the building of evidence the president was ever there. “Geez, what was I thinking? This is such a rookie mistake. I should have been wearing gloves these past four years. Oh God, and there are cameras too, aren’t there?  Someone get Roger Stone over here. Maybe it’d be easier to just burn the whole place down.” At press time, Trump was carefully planting a couple of Melania’s hairs in the Oval Office. 
Researchers Suggest Wild Horses Don’t Have To Worry About Any Of This #~# NEW YORK—Peering into the middle distance with evident longing for something better, something more, researchers at Columbia University confirmed Tuesday that wild horses don’t have to worry about this, but only run free on the plains with the wind in their manes. “What we’ve found is that all these worries, these fears, these uncertainties mean nothing to a team of magnificent stallions galloping along the dust-strewn plains,” said Dr. Timothy Schneider, pausing to close his eyes as he vividly described the powerful haunches of the horses glistening in the western sunlight, pushing them ever onward toward the freedom that only they could ever know.  “To live is to run and to run is to live—It’s all one and the same for these horses. That’s the way it’s always been for them out there in the unbroken wild. There’s no such thing as stress or disappointment when you’re out bounding toward the endless frontier. There’s only the blue sky above—so perfect blue, you’d swear it was a painting—and the hard clay below. That’s how it is for horses.” At press time, the researchers went on to suggest that maybe the reason we tame the splendor of wild horses is because of the haunting emptiness of our own lives. 
Welfare Check #~# How glad I am that that absolute heckscape known as 2020 is finally over! Whew! I don’t care if the year made the greatest novelty New Year’s eyeglasses of my lifetime! 2020? More like two-oh-two-NO! (No offense intended to anyone who had a great 2020.)
New Erectile Dysfunction Start-Up Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse #~# It’s called Inuus, and it promises to keep your partner sexually satisfied by sending a discreet, medically certified sex god straight to your home.
Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant #~# Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick.
Spatter Analyst Finally Working With Blood After Years Paying Dues With Urine #~# NEW YORK—Happy to move on to the next phase of her career, Nicole Marinos, a spatter analyst with the New York Police Department, told reporters Monday that she has finally started working with blood after years of paying her dues working with urine. “It’s nice to finally move onto more important forensics work after spending a decade at crime scenes methodically studying urine stain patterns,” said Marinos, explaining how you really have to hone your craft investigating patterns of piss splash on various surfaces before you’re trusted to analyze blood. “A lot of folks in this business end up bottoming out as pee collectors, and I knew I wanted to avoid that. All those nights spent up late in the lab looking at urine from different angles really paid off, ’cause now I’m hanging with the big dogs.” Marinos confirmed that in a few years, she hopes to fulfill her ultimate dream by working her way up to analyzing cum spatter.
God Blindsided After Illegitimate Son From Andromeda Galaxy Tracks Him Down In Heaven #~# THE HEAVENS—Expressing uncertainty about how to handle the awkward situation, The Lord God Almighty was reportedly blindsided Monday after His illegitimate son Xyzyys from the Andromeda Galaxy tracked Him down. “Dammit, he clearly used his own money to travel here and he doesn’t have any way to get home, so I guess I kind of have to let him crash on my couch for a couple days, but my apartment is no place for a kid,” said The Supreme Being, tossing some old Miller Lites and copies of Playboy into a waste basket to accommodate His unexpected guest. “He seems like a nice enough kid, but I have to play things smart here until I can confirm that he’s really mine. If his mom is the insectoid creature I’m thinking of, she’s fucking nuts, so I better not promise him anything or I’m going to get slapped with a paternity suit. I’ll just try and keep him busy until I can get a DNA test processed.” At press time, God had enlisted St. Peter to go throw the ball around with Xyzyys so He could get another 45 minutes of sleep.
Seth Rich Conspiracy Theorists Publicly Apologize As Part Of Lawsuit Settlement #~# Ed Butowsky and Matt Couch, two conspiracy theorists who pushed false claims about the death of DNC staffer Seth Rich, have retracted their statements and publicly apologized after settling a lawsuit brought by the victim’s brother. What do you think?
Vince Gilligan Reunites With Bryan Cranston For New Breakfast Bar #~# LOS ANGELES—Finally announcing the joint venture after months of speculation from fans, Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan reunited with series star Bryan Cranston Monday to produce a new breakfast bar. “Let’s see if we can capture lightning in a bottle for a second time with our frosted-oat brand,” said Gilligan, admitting that the duo had long been eyeing projects to collaborate on before settling on a nutritional supplement. “We both love fructose, glucose, and maltodextrin, so it was a no-brainer to develop a breakfast bar with a little twist. Of course we threw in a couple winking nods to Breaking Bad in the ingredients list. True fans of the series will appreciate it, but it won’t isolate newcomers.” At press time, Gilligan took to social media to tease a Giancarlo Esposito-inspired protein powder. 
MLB Beginning To Suspect Pirates Just A Mob Front #~# PITTSBURGH—Speculating as to how the listless franchise has still managed to stay open all these years, sources close to the MLB confirmed Friday that the league has begun to suspect the Pittsburgh Pirates are just a mob front. “It must be some kind of money-laundering operation, because they’re clearly doing the bare minimum to keep that place open,” said Commissioner Rob Manfred, pointing to the fact the team remains fully staffed despite any tangible success in the last four decades as proof they are at the very least selling drugs in the back of the stadium. “I’m not sure how they were even able to afford such a nice place when they hardly win games. It’s empty and super creepy all the time, even at the height of the season. If you walk up and ask for a ticket, they give you a weird look, like they clearly are not expecting real customers. I don’t know how they make any money—they can’t be funding this whole thing on hotdog sales alone.” At press time, the Pirates announced plans to cease baseball operations in favor of a new dry-cleaning service. 
Lady Gaga, J. Lo To Perform At Biden Inauguration #~# Lady Gaga will sing the national anthem and J. Lo will perform a musical number as part of next Wednesday’s inaugural ceremonies for President-Elect Joe Biden. What do you think?
‘She’s Now Eating A Muffin In The Commissary,’ Posts Congresswoman Boebert Continuing To Livetweet Pelosi’s Location #~# WASHINGTON—Following her brief suspension from the social media platform, Rep. Lauren Boebert  (R-CO) continued to livetweet House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s location Friday, posting “She’s now eating a muffin in the commissary.” “The Speaker has discarded the baking cup and is now pouring herself a cup of coffee—no, she’s going for tea,” reported Boebert, who shared minute-by-minute updates on Pelosi’s current whereabouts with her hundreds of thousands of right-wing followers, along with a series of blurry photos of the House speaker rummaging through a drawer for sweetener. “The Speaker has selected Splenda. Interesting, she usually goes for Sweet’N Low. She’s flicking the packet now. Oh, we’re on the move! The Speaker is walking down the hallway. We’re going fast now, I’d say five, six miles per hour. Update: the Speaker has broken a heel. She’s entered the bathroom! I repeat, the Speaker has entered the bathroom, and has barricaded herself inside a stall.” At press time, Boebert was standing on the toilet in the adjacent stall, attempting to clamber her way over the top.
U.S. Mint Introduces New Seven-Cent Coin To Bolster Citizens’ Math Skills #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining they were excited to “kick things up a notch,” officials from the U.S. Mint announced Friday a new seven-cent coin to bolster citizens’ math skills. “Let’s face it, we made it way too easy the first time,” said U.S. Mint Director David J. Ryder, who shared the bureau’s hopes that the new denomination, which would be called a ‘septi,’ would provide a greater challenge. “The nation has lagged behind other countries in terms of core addition, subtraction, and multiplication skills for years, but it’s not because we’re ‘stupid’ or bad at math—we just need a little practice. It’ll just require a little more focus next time you’re doing laundry or buying groceries. We believe in you guys. And don’t use a calculator, that just defeats the whole purpose.” At press time, Ryder added the U.S. Mint would also be introducing a new irrational number dollar bill next year, valued at the square root of 5, to help citizens brush up on their algebra.
Nation Enters New Phase Of Vaccine Distribution Where Capricorns, Gymnasts, Childless Uncles Now Eligible For Inoculation #~# ATLANTA—Reviewing changes to the priorities for Covid-19 vaccine recipients, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Friday that the nation was entering a new phase of vaccine distribution where Capricorns, gymnasts, and childless uncles were now eligible for inoculation. “If you are between the ages of 49 and 52, were born in Iowa but now live in Ohio, reside exactly 3.25 miles from a hospital, or have bowled a 300 game, you should proceed to a medical facility to receive your Covid vaccine,” said Anne Schuchat, deputy director at the CDC, adding that health officials hoped to provide further clarity on the order in which people should receive the vaccine, as well as prioritize the fourth-generation Dutch immigrants, Panera Bread regional managers, and Miami Heat season-ticket holders most in need of inoculation. “After Capricorns, any Gemini with exactly three roommates and Celiac disease should be ready during phase 3f, but first we have to finish with phases 2b and 3m, which target pastry chefs, firefighters, anyone who served in the first Iraq War but not the second, people who live across the street from a law office, Rhea Seehorn, men who are five-foot-seven, and women who are five-foot-nine. If you’ve ever worked at a Dairy Queen, have between 32 and 39 followers on Instagram, had your appendix removed on a Tuesday, or write your name with little hearts over the i’s, you’re also still eligible, although that eligibility ends in six hours, so you’d better get a move on. If you’re not sure whether you should get vaccinated now, just remember the acronym CBICQCVIW. We hope this clears things up.” At press time, the CDC announced it had thrown away 5,000 expired vaccines and arrested a Taurus with stepchildren who had tried to cut the line.
Wikipedia Turns 20 #~# Wikipedia was launched Jan. 15, 2001, and the collaborative open encyclopedia has remained a top go-to website for information. The Onion looks back at the biggest moments in Wikipedia’s history on the site’s 20th anniversary.
Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal #~# Hear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as hours of your valuable free time.
Former Michigan Governor Charged In Flint Water Crisis #~# Former Michigan governor Rick Snyder and members of his administration have been indicted on criminal charges for their role in the 2014 Flint water crisis that exposed residents in the predominantly Black city to lead, killing 12 and sickening dozens. What do you think?
Matt Gaetz Forced To Host Hundreds Of White Nationalists After Airbnb Pulls D.C. Listings #~# WASHINGTON—As he rummaged through a closet to take stock of his extra sheets and towels, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) confirmed Thursday he had been forced to open his home to hundreds of white nationalists after Airbnb canceled all D.C. metro reservations for the week of the inauguration. “Sometimes when I’m hanging out with a bunch of white supremacists, I’ll tell them, ‘Hey, if you’re ever in Washington and need a place to crash, let me know’—but you never expect anyone will actually take you up on it,” said a visibly exhausted Gaetz, who, according to sources, spent yesterday fielding frantic texts from Proud Boys, militia members, and Boogaloo extremists and sending them each detailed instructions about when they could pick up a key to his place and how to access the Wi-Fi. “Some of these guys I know pretty well, so I’m cool with it. But others are just people I met one time at an anti-immigrant rally somewhere, and I can’t help but feel they’re taking advantage of my hospitality. There are AR-15s all over my apartment, half of the air mattresses have been punctured by hunting knives, and this morning I tripped over a crossbow that almost put a bolt straight through my leg. I just hope everybody’s okay with takeout, because there’s no way I’m cooking for 500 people.” At press time, Gaetz had reportedly experienced a change of heart, tying on an apron and shouting, “Who wants pancakes?” to his excited guests.
Airbnb Blocks All D.C. Bookings Ahead Of Inauguration #~# In response to federal officials urging Americans not to travel to the Capitol following last Wednesday’s deadly riot, Airbnb announced they will cancel and block all reservations in Washington, D.C., during the week of President-Elect Biden’s inauguration. What do you think?
Forward-Thinking CEO Hoping Company Can Capture New Audience By Making Product Worse In Every Conceivable Way #~# NEW YORK—Taking an expansive view of future prospects for the business, forward-thinking CEO Rick Benson was reportedly hoping Thursday that his company would be able to capture a new audience by making their signature product worse in every conceivable way. “Let’s face it, this industry moves fast and we have to be ready to cater to new users by altering every single thing that was popular in the first place,” said Benson, confirming his intention to court additional demographics by ensuring the next version was buggier, slower, and contained a more counterintuitive interface. “We can’t be afraid to innovate and push boundaries, which is why I’ve instructed our development team to get to work, taking a look at what’s been working for the last few years and then destroying from there.” Benson added that the company would be sure to retain their current audience by walking back some of the most horrific changes to their product in a couple years.
The Greatest NFL Coaches Of All Time #~# Grim, determined, and emotionally unavailable to even their closest friends and family, great NFL coaches have served as inspiration to millions of American leaders for over almost a hundred years. Here is The Onion’s list of the greatest NFL coaches of all time.
Charles Barkley Blasts Today’s Fragile NBA Players Who Can’t Just Play Through Covid Like He Did #~# ATLANTA—Following the postponement of multiple games as league officials dealt with the spread of the virus, Hall of Fame player and Inside The NBA analyst Charles Barkley on Wednesday blasted today’s fragile NBA players who can’t just play through Covid like he did. “Back in our day, we were tough, and we were always out there on the floor, no matter whether we had Covid or how bad our Covid was,” said Barkley, recalling a 1994 game with the Phoenix Suns when most of the team came down with Covid in the first half and they still held on to beat the Utah Jazz. “You think Scottie Pippen or Patrick Ewing is skipping a game because he’s running a fever or lost his sense of smell? These guys today are quitting on their teams the second they hear they have it, and some of them don’t even have symptoms. Fact is, the entire Supersonics team—[Sean] Kemp, [Gary] Payton, all those guys—they had Covid the whole season back in ’96, and they made it all the way to the championship. Back then, were we feeling achy? Sure. Were we unhappy? Yeah. Were we most likely responsible for our assistant coach’s death from Covid? Probably. But you just went out there and played, man, Covid or no.” Barkley also criticized NBA fans for not manning up and attending games anyway, saying that the fans back in the 1990s would have showed up with their ventilators and cheered their teams on the whole game.
Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue #~# Hear why detectives believe it could be the work of a serial killer.
National Guard May Deploy Up To 20,000 Troops To DC For Biden Inauguration #~# Army General Daniel R. Hokanson says 10,000 Guard members will be deployed to D.C. this week and another 10,000 may be activated ahead of the presidential inauguration following threats from Trump supporters. What do you think?
Citigroup Begrudgingly Keeps Funding Marco Rubio After Learning Senator Voted For Election Certification #~# NEW YORK—Expressing their deep frustration with the Florida senator, Citigroup announced Wednesday that they would begrudgingly continue funding Marco Rubio after learning he had voted to certify the 2020 presidential election results. “We’ve been looking for excuses to cut off that little dipshit forever, so learning he didn’t challenge the election results was a major disappointment, ” said CEO Michael Corbat, who described how the investment bank’s entire boardroom was glued to the television last Wednesday night  watching the certification process in hopes they could pull funding from Rubio at last. “Look at this man. Would you want to fund him? Would you want to funnel thousands and thousands of dollars to this smug prick’s campaign year after year? No, and we don’t want to either. Unfortunately, our hands are tied. We’re going to have to wait for a more opportune moment. Who knows, there could be another bloodier riot.” At press time, Corbat was rolling his eyes and pretending to vomit into a wastebasket while writing Rubio another check.
Officials Trace Slow Vaccine Rollout To Sweet Old Ladies Holding Up Line With Their Chitchat #~# ATLANTA—After conducting a  nationwide survey of distribution chains, the Centers for Disease Control confirmed Wednesday it had traced the slow rollout of Covid-19 vaccines to sweet old ladies who, with their cordial but long-winded small talk, were holding up lines across the country. “We could immediately get another 15 or 20 million doses into people’s arms if these elderly women would just keep the chatter to a minimum and move it along,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, citing an incident in which the queue at a Rochester, NY clinic ground to a halt when Marjorie Bickford, a 78-year-old retiree, yammered on and on to nurses about how there sure hadn’t been much snow this year, and some folks were saying springtime might just come early. “We understand these ladies mean well when they ask our health care professionals interminable questions about whether the hospital is always this busy and whether they like the work they do and whether they have any kids at home. But the fact is, we’ve only been able to administer about a third of our current vaccine supply, and if they don’t cut out all the jibber-jabber about how their grandson Mark is 35 and somehow still single despite having a good job and being so handsome, then hundreds of thousands more Americans will die. Clearly we made a mistake when we recommended people 75 and older be given spots at the front of the line.” At press time, CDC officials confirmed further delays in the rollout were being caused by old ladies trying to pay for the vaccine in pennies.
Still Time: The PS5s In This Ancient Cave Painting Foretelling The End Of The Earth Look Like Some Kind Of Unreleased PS5 Slim Edition #~# Great news, gaming fans! If you haven’t yet had a chance to check out PlayStation’s revolutionary new gaming system, fear not—the PS5 in an ancient cave painting uncovered in Cáceres‎, Spain that foretells the end of the earth looks like it contains some kind of unreleased PS5 slim edition.
Michael Moore Questions Asian Carp On Role In Destroying Ecosystems In First Nature Documentary #~# TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Brandishing a microphone while pursuing the invasive fish along a babbling brook, filmmaker Michael Moore reportedly questioned an Asian carp on its role in destroying local ecosystems for an as-yet untitled nature documentary, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Sir? Sir, why are you evading the question—you have been destroying local aquatic communities for decade and you have nothing to say for yourself?” said the 66-year-old documentarian, gesturing at his cameraman to keep filming as he waded chest-deep into the water while brandishing a photograph of a family of yellow perch that died after being out-resourced by the predatory freshwater fish. “We have been waiting in this forest for hours to hear even a single word of regret from you. But so far, there’s been nothing. So I ask: What do you say to those accusing you of devastating plankton supplies in this region? What do you say to all the local ducks who have been uprooted? Wait, he’s trying to escape into that muskgrass—Follow me! Follow me!” At press time, Moore had screamed that he was being attacked after the Asian carp spit water into his face while he asked a question about the fish’s reputation for destroying pondweed.
Man Ice Skating For First Time Really Getting Hang Of Clutching Wall #~# CLEVELAND—Expressing relief that the winter activity wasn’t nearly as hard as it looked, local man Noah Maxwell was reportedly really getting the hang of clutching the wall Wednesday during his first time ever ice skating. “At first, I was pretty nervous, but after getting a few fundamentals down, I realized the trick is to just cling to get anything solid you can get your hands on—also don’t let go, that’s important too,” said Maxwell, who boasted he hadn’t fallen a single time since he shuffled a foot onto the ice, felt his legs sliding beneath him, and immediately lunged to the side to bear hug the wall. “It’s crazy to think that just 30 minutes ago I had never stepped onto an ice rink, and just look at me now—I’m really inching along here. This is easy. I’m a natural. Now that I’ve gotten a little confidence, I might even try a face plant.” After he mastered ice skating, Maxwell was reportedly getting the hang of riding in an ambulance for the first time.
Bill Belichick Declines Medal Of Freedom From Trump #~# Patriots head coach Bill Belichick says he will not accept the Presidential Medal of Freedom, citing the deadly Capitol riots incited by President Trump last week. What do you think?
Pros And Cons Of Impeaching Trump In Last Days Of Presidency #~# President Trump’s role in his supporters storming the Capitol on January 6 has driven unprecedented calls for a second impeachment among some congressional leaders, while others have cautioned against the move so late into his term. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching Trump in the last days of his presidency.
Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second #~# Hear why 9 out of every 10 children go missing as soon as a mother or father chooses to focus on something that isn’t about their kids, like eating or showering or briefly sitting in a chair for the first time all day.
‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Will Not Include Kim Cattrall #~# Three of the original stars of HBO’s Sex And The City will reprise their roles for a reboot of the series 17 years after it went off the air, though the show’s fourth lead, Kim Cattrall, will not be returning. What do you think?
Nervous Browns Fan Still Worried Team Going To Blow 48-37 Lead Over Steelers From Days Ago #~# WARREN, OH—Pacing around his living room continuously and nervously downing pretzels, local Browns fan Max Symanski was reportedly still worried Wednesday that the team was going to blow a 48-37 lead over the Steelers that it had held since Sunday night. “They always do this. They get your hopes up by building this lead at the end of four quarters, but they always give it away,” said Symanski, who told reporters that he knows better than to relax just because the Browns have built up a double-digit lead, the game ended, and the team has officially moved on to the divisional round. “They already let the Steelers crawl back into this after being up 28 points. I can tell that by Thursday or Friday they’ll get complacent, give up a couple late touchdowns, and get knocked out of the playoffs. We haven’t won a playoff game in 25 years, and we’re not about to start now. This organization is always the same.” At press time Symanski was screaming at his TV after learning that acting head coach Mike Priefer had taken all the starters out of the game with 0:00 still left on the clock.
Pope Francis Warns Seals On Jesus’ Tomb Are Weakening #~# VATICAN CITY—As he called on the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics to pray for the bonds restraining the messiah to hold fast, Pope Francis warned Tuesday that the seals on Jesus’ tomb were weakening and Christ could escape at any moment. “Citizens of the world, brace yourselves, for soon the Risen Lord will roam the earth anew, unleashing death and destruction on everything in His path,” said the pontiff, adding that the Vatican had worked for centuries to keep Jesus safely bound and locked away in His crypt, but Church teachings had long foretold He would one day come again to visit His murderous wrath upon the children of God. “The death toll could be in the millions. Once Jesus has broken free, no mortal force can contain Him, and He will not rest until His ravenous blood lust has been sated. As we speak, our most powerful cardinals are in the catacombs blessing the seals with all their might, but we don’t know how long they can hold Him back. The King of Kings has finally been roused from His ancient slumber and is ready to feed.” At press time, Pope Francis was reportedly yelling for everyone to save themselves after Jesus had burst forth from His tomb and devoured a group of Swiss Guards that was futilely stabbing Him with their pikes.
Hundreds Of GOP Legislators Crowd Into Sitting Room For Reading Of Sheldon Adelson’s Will #~# MALIBU, CA—Rushing to his home after hearing news of the conservative mega-donor’s passing, hundreds of GOP legislators reportedly crowded into a sitting room Tuesday for the reading of Sheldon Adelson’s will. “I was really distraught to hear about Mr. Adelson’s passing, but I also wonder what he’ll have left to me—after so many years of working for him, I think it’s the least he could do,” said Senator John Cornyn (R-TX), jostling for space with fellow Republican senators Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz, Susan Collins, Rick Scott, Thom Tillis, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, President Donald Trump, and dozens of GOP representatives who had worked for the deceased business magnate over the years. “Of course, I’m hoping for one of Mr. Adelson’s Super PACs, but I’d settle for a few million dollars. I just hope he remembered all the good I’ve done for him and how faithfully I’ve executed his vision over the years, and doesn’t get swayed by some of these johnny-come-lately Republicans who only started working for him in his final years. I think there’s enough to go around, but I hope they read it quickly before more people get here and it starts getting contentious—oh, great, [Israeli prime minister Benjamin] Netanyahu just showed up.” At press time, Cornyn was trying to hide his frustration after the executor announced Adelson had willed him Mitt Romney’s 2012 presidential campaign.
Hallmark Asks Senators Hawley And Marshall To Return Political Donations #~# Greeting card company Hallmark, whose PAC donated $3,000 to Josh Hawley (R-MO) and $5,000 to Roger Marshall (R-KS) for their 2020 Senate races, is asking for their campaign contributions back, saying the senators’ objections to the election certification “do not reflect our company’s values.” What do you think?
Conservatives Accuse Nature Of Silencing Right-Wing Voices After Sheldon Adelson Dies At 87 #~# WASHINGTON—Insisting the billionaire’s demise would have a chilling effect on democracy, conservatives accused nature Tuesday of silencing right-wing voices after GOP mega-donor Sheldon Adelson died at 87. “It’s disgusting and frankly un-American that nature decided it had the right to unilaterally end Sheldon Adelson’s existence after nearly nine decades of being alive,” said Republican Congressman Jim Jordan, who, along with others in his party, promised to bring an investigation against the concept of time for its role in abruptly stifling the casino magnate just days after Trump supporters rioted inside the Capitol. “Tell me, why is Ronald Reagan dead but Jimmy Carter still alive? I’ll tell you, it’s anti-conservative bias. The Declaration of Independence guarantees every American the right to life, and I’m not going to sit idly by while the laws of biology muzzle great patriots like Mr. Adelson. People dying of old age is what happens in China or Nazi Germany, not the great U.S. of A.” At press time, right-wing leaders were urging fellow Republicans to boycott nature by setting fire to their lawns.
Nation Settles On Being Home To Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame As New Foundation For American Exceptionalism #~# CLEVELAND—Concluding that the museum was now the country’s most praiseworthy, distinguishing feature, the United States reportedly resolved Tuesday that being home to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame would serve as the new foundation for American exceptionalism. “While our claim to be the world’s foremost democracy is open to dispute, we remain the only nation on Earth with a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame,” said historian Fran Kimball of the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars, emphasizing that no other country in the free world had ever put Prince’s love-symbol-shaped guitar, Michael Jackson’s iconic glove, and Elvis Presley’s custom-built SuperTrike motorcycle under one roof. “There are certainly other museums around the world, even other music museums, but do they have ZZ Top’s ‘Eliminator’ hot rod on display? They do not. Thus, America remains the indispensable country.” At press time, a new poll found the majority of the nation supported military action against Austria, arguing that an invasion of Vienna’s House of Music was necessary to preserve American values. 
Child Weirded Out After Bumping Into Teacher Outside Laptop #~# ARTESIA, NM—Still shaken after a surprise encounter with the 37-year-old educator, local first-grader Micah Dunn was reportedly weirded out Tuesday after bumping into his teacher outside of his laptop. “Mrs. Evans was walking around without moving out of frame—it was super weird,” said Dunn, who recalled feeling dumbfounded after a recent trip to the grocery store in which he spotted the woman standing in line occupying three-dimensional space. “She looked 10 times bigger than she normally does on screen, and had a baby with her that was also in 3D. I was so confused. I can’t believe she has a whole entire body. I guess it makes sense that she would live outside my computer, but I’m still surprised. I can’t wait to FaceTime my friends about this.” At press time, Dunn added that though the experience was strange, he was comforted by the familiar sight of his teacher glitching.
Reluctant Democrats Holding Off On Revealing Biden Died Of Heart Attack 6 Days Ago #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns that the country’s emotional state might be incapable of handling the news right now, reluctant Democrats in Washington confirmed Tuesday that they are holding off on revealing that President-Elect Joe Biden died from a heart attack six days ago. “It’s obviously very sad, but it just felt like it would be super awkward to throw this out there while everyone is already so on edge,” said Senate Democratic leader Chuck Schumer, who admitted that while the death of the recently elected Biden creates serious problems around keeping the country functioning and tackling the Covid-19 crisis, he did not want to kick the American people while they were already down. “I know we should have announced it immediately,  but we hesitated, and pretty soon the Capitol was being stormed, and things have been super crazy ever since. Hopefully, we can make it to the inauguration before people start asking questions. We just have a lot on our plate right now, and honestly, this is the last thing we want to deal with.” At press time, Schumer was ruminating on whether he should at least tell Biden’s family.
Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines #~# Nearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of grizzled woodsmen and lonely widowers to keep from succumbing to alluring calls from beyond the trees.
Amazon Suspends Parler From Web-Hosting Service After Google, Apple Remove App From Stores #~# Amazon suspended web-hosting services for Parler one day after Google and Apple removed the social networking app from their app stores for failing to regulate users’ posts that promote violence. What do you think?
‘Jeopardy!’ Producers Regretting Making Every Answer Of Memorial Episode ‘Alex Trebek’ #~# CULVER CITY, CA—Wincing as each correct answer ballooned the episode’s budget, Jeopardy! producers told reporters Thursday they were now regretting their decision to make “Alex Trebek” the correct response to every clue in their first installment without the iconic host. “In retrospect, we should have just done one question about Alex and left it at that,” producer Lynne Ingles said of the episode, in which the first clue—“This Canadian-born TV personality won seven Daytime Emmys during his 37 years hosting a popular syndicated game show”—was followed by 60 additional clues to which the correct response was also “Alex Trebek.” “It made for a really nice moment when that first contestant buzzed in and said, ‘Who Is Alex Trebek?’ However, by the fourth or fifth time, the emotional impact had been pretty well blunted. We also thought there would be some incorrect responses in there to keep things interesting, but it turns out the contestants caught on really fast and whizzed right through categories like ‘Guinness World Record Holders For Most Episodes Of A Game Show Hosted’ and ‘Celebrated TV Presenters Who Had Cameos In Multiple Episodes Of The Simpsons, Saturday Night Live, and How I Met Your Mother.’ Clearly, this was a huge mistake.” At press time, producers were reportedly bracing themselves as the contestants wrote down their wagers for the Final Jeopardy! category, “Beloved Game Show Hosts Who Bravely Carried On In Their Roles After Receiving A Diagnosis Of Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer.” 
FBI Narrows Down Identity Of Red-Faced Man Carrying Confederate Flag Through Capitol To Millions Of Americans #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that they were pursuing all leads to bring the individual to justice, the FBI reported Monday that it had been able to narrow down the identity of a red-faced man carrying a Confederate flag through the U.S. Capitol Building to several million Americans. “Thanks to plentiful photographic evidence showing a visibly-irate white man with a goatee holding the symbol of slavery and white supremacy while storming the Senate chambers, we’re able to laser-focus our investigation on a mere five million possible suspects,” said Deputy FBI Director David Bowdich, noting that his team had used additional testimony about the middle-aged man’s irate chants of “This isn’t over” and “Hang Mike Pence” to hone in on a far more precise list that only includes citizens in tens of thousands of different towns and cities across the country. “In fact, our profile of this man as gun-owning Q-Anon conspiracy theorist with a military background and an inclination toward open insurrection means that we’ll only need to look at a mere one-percent of the U.S. total population before we find our suspect. Really, the bulging vein on his forehead is what gives him away, along with the few million other Americans who look just like him.” At press time, Bowdich had confirmed that the plethora of written and video evidence of the man posted on social media also meant the FBI believed they could start questioning suspects by mid-2022.
GOP Senators Call On Trump To Resign #~# Senators Lisa Murkoski of Alaska and Pat Toomey of Pennsylvania say President Trump should resign after his supporters stormed the Capitol last week in an attempt to overturn the election results and assassinate members of Congress. What do you think?
D.C. Police Preemptively Deploy 3 Officers For Inauguration Day #~# WASHINGTON—With the swearing in of the 46th President scheduled to occur a mere two weeks after a mob of angry, far-right rioters stormed the U.S. Capitol, the Washington, D.C. Police preemptively deployed three officers to oversee the upcoming Inauguration Day ceremonies, sources confirmed Monday. “In order to ensure that the inauguration proceedings occur in a secure and orderly manner, we will be assigning a squadron of three officers to the U.S. Capitol building on Wednesday,” said Robert J. Contee III, acting Chief of the D.C. Metropolitan Police Department, explaining that while the measure might seem like overkill, the last thing the city wanted was a repeat of last week’s events. “To maintain a secure perimeter, we will have two officers at the east front of the structure and one at the west. And for the sake of maximizing the security of the proceedings, we have also issued an emergency authorization of two metal barricades, a roll of caution tape, and a single “Do Not Enter” sign, so people know not to trespass in restricted areas.” Contee added that in case the police need back-up, there would also be a fourth officer on call who can be there in thirty to forty-five minutes to assist with any situations that might unfold.
Man Excited To Get Tattoo That Will One Day Be Used To Identify His Corpse #~# MURFREESBORO, TN—Poring over the shop’s book of designs for what he didn’t yet know would soon be his only defining feature, local man Brendan Lyons was reportedly excited Monday to get the tattoo that will one day be used to identify his corpse. “This is going to be my first tattoo, so I want to get something unique that really says it’s me,” said Lyons to the tattoo artist who would someday confirm the identity of the badly disfigured body bearing a three-inch Squidward tattoo on a charred bicep in the accident investigator’s photograph. “I’ve always wanted to do this. I was going to get one right when I turned 18, but I’m glad I waited a couple years so I could get one that felt more like the adult me. Guess I’m going to have this on me for the rest of my life. That’s crazy.” At press time, the man had left the tattoo parlor and was expressing his stress over an upcoming haircut that he would only enjoy for 39 hours before the accident. 
Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get #~# Hear why lobbyists across many industries are growing concerned with just how easy it’s becoming to undermine the American public.
Trump Rioter Knocks On Senate Door To Ask About Retrieving Left-Behind Car Keys #~# WASHINGTON—Returning to the legislative chamber mere days after violently forcing his way inside with thousands of fellow insurrectionists, 37-year-old Trump rioter Joshua McSherry reportedly knocked on the Senate door Monday to ask about retrieving the set of car keys he had left behind while storming the U.S. Capitol building. “Hey, this is super embarrassing, but has anyone seen a key to a Ford Escape around here?” said McSherry, who gingerly poked his head into the room and mouthed the word “sorry” before edging to the front of the chamber to check for the missing keys under the dais. “I’m not interrupting, am I? I was just here last week smashing some windows in—I don’t know if you remember. I already checked some of the offices, but they weren’t there. Anyway, they’re on a Mickey Mouse lanyard if that helps. Also, does somebody here know where I can find Ilhan Omar? No reason, just asking.” At press time, several Republican senators were crawling around on their hands and knees to assist McSherry in his search.
Betsy DeVos Apologizes For Ever Being Complicit With Something As Toxic As Public Education #~# WASHINGTON—Following her decision this week to resign as President Trump’s education secretary, Betsy DeVos apologized Friday for ever being complicit with anything as toxic and reprehensible as public education. “I can no longer associate myself with an administration that, despite its many achievements, has failed to dismantle a corrupt system under which money from hardworking taxpayers is shamelessly funneled into our schools,” said DeVos, adding that she now regretted having taken the Cabinet position, which forced her to forsake so many of her deeply held views on education policy. “It is simply unconscionable. Right now, in tens of thousands of schools across America, children are being educated without paying a single dime for the privilege. And while there are praiseworthy exceptions, the vast majority of educational institutions in this country are being operated by people who aren’t even trying to turn a profit. I will not spend another day enabling this disgraceful scandal.” DeVos went on to state that she looked forward to returning to the private sector, where she could resume undermining public education by making millions of dollars in campaign contributions.
How To Make New Year’s Resolutions In A Pandemic #~# January is traditionally a time when people make resolutions for themselves to improve their lives , but the realities and restrictions of the Covid-19 pandemic are throwing many for a loop. The Onion offers advice for making new year’s resolutions during a pandemic.
Scrambling Democrats Rush To Begin Impeachment Hearings By April #~# WASHINGTON—In response to calls for urgent action against the president following the storming of the Capitol by an angry mob, scrambling congressional Democrats  announced Friday that they were prepared to start impeachment hearings by April. “American democracy is at stake, which is why we’ve  convened an investigatory committee with the goal to begin impeachment proceedings against the president of the United States by late April—or May at the very latest,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, adding that Democrats were working day and night to gather evidence after becoming convinced that there was no other option to help the country heal but voting to impeach the sitting president in the spring. “Once we return from our January hiatus, it will be full steam ahead—accounting for our February and March breaks, of course. In fact, to focus our full attention on this effort, we’re also shelving all other legislative plans until summer to devote our full attention to this impeachment effort: No stimulus. No infrastructure. President Trump must go.” Reached for comment, Sen. Mitch McConnell agreed that enough was enough and  Senate Republicans were prepared to ratify the impeachment of the sitting president by July.
Department Of Agriculture Warns Of 37% Decline In Soybean Yield Following Stillborn Birth Of Albino Calf #~# WASHINGTON—Advising farmers to ward off potential famine by burning 10 slaughtered goats in a cross on their fields, the Department of Agriculture warned Friday that 2021 would see a 37% decline the soybean harvest following reports of an albino calf being stillborn in rural Idaho. “This is an ominous portent, combined with the dead crows dropping from the sky in North Dakota, we expect not only soybeans, but also corn and alfalfa could experience a massive crop failure in the coming year,” said Deputy Secretary Stephen Censky, who took the podium in a robe of heron feathers and drank a brew of raw oats, sheep’s milk, and cow urine to help ward off any demonic energy corrupting the nation’s cropland. “Worse yet, the farmer who delivered the stillborn calf spotted a solitary owl perched on a branch outside his barn, marking the cursed occasion with a single damning call. Soon, the cool rivers will turn to burning acrid pools, and our dairy supply will be threatened as cows go mad and stampede to their deaths. This could cut agribusiness earnings as much as 60% in the third quarter.” At press time, Censky was urging all Americans to burn any unmarried women over the age of 40, lest there be a witch in our midst.
Pro-Trump Rioter Trying To Figure Out What To Do With Looted Devin Nunes #~# READING, PA—Struggling to find a spot in his home in which the memento didn’t look mismatched or out of place, local pro-Trump riot participant Peter Bruckner, 43, told reporters Friday he was still trying to figure out what to do  with his looted Devin Nunes. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great piece of memorabilia, but it doesn’t really blend in with the décor,” said Bruckner, explaining that his initial excitement from the siege at the Capitol had quickly faded  as he realized the stolen legislator was mostly just taking up space in his den. “To be honest, I have enough clutter in my place as it is. Plus, my wife thinks it’s an eyesore. I guess I could leave it in the nook downstairs, but I’ll probably just throw it up on eBay and see how much people are willing to pay.” At press time, Bruckner had left Devin Nunes on his curb with a “Free” sign for anyone interested.
Eerily Silent Charmin Twitter Account Apparently Condones Attack On Capitol #~# MEHOOPANY, PA—In a move raising serious doubts about the toilet paper giant’s  core allegiances, the Charmin Twitter account remained eerily silent Friday in an apparent show of support for  pro-Trump rioters who stormed the U.S. Capitol building. “While most Americans were expressing their shock and dismay about this brazen assault on our democracy, we heard nothing but deafening silence from one of the major names in ultra-soft toilet paper,” said consumer advocate Heather Winters, expressing disbelief at Charmin’s  failure to issue an immediate statement on one of the most unsettling acts of insurrection in the nation’s history. “Certainly, the president should be blamed for this attack, but Charmin stands right behind him  with their quiet complicity. There’s no such thing as neutrality in a matter of this gravity. Blood is on their hands.” At press time, thousands of  Twitter users had urged Jack Dorsey to permanently remove the brand’s account after speculation that  rioters had intentionally dressed in fur to resemble Leonard the Charmin Bear.
Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash #~# Hear how public demonstration and counter-demonstrations have been sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they want, which is the complete opposite thing that anti-something leaders want.
‘I’ve Been Selfish And Arrogant, And I Apologize,’ Says Content, Mentally Healthy Trump Minutes After Social Media Ban #~# WASHINGTON—Projecting a calm, measured assurance as he reflected on his personal shortcomings, a content and mentally sound President Trump told reporters just minutes after his ban from social media Thursday that he had been “selfish and arrogant,” and he apologized unconditionally for his behavior. “I’ve lied to myself and the country, lashed out at those who love me, and hurt a lot of people along the way,” said Trump, who, after 15 minutes of being unable to tweet or post updates to Facebook, gathered together friends, family, and the entire White House press corps to let them know that love is the only thing that truly matters. “I just took a walk with a dear friend who I haven’t spoken to in ages, and as we sat on a bench staring at the Potomac, I asked him, ‘What am I doing with my life?’ Over the past quarter hour, I’ve realized that caring for others, lending a hand to someone in need—these are the only things in this world that can give a man true integrity. I hope you all have it in your hearts to forgive me for my pride and my many failures in this life.” At press time, Trump was overheard asking House Speaker Nancy Pelosi if she had ever noticed how beautiful a simple goldfinch was, while suggesting the two of them go birding together in the Adirondacks after he left office.
‘This Apology Is Bullshit And I Am Lying To You,’ Says GOP Senator To Widespread Media Praise #~# WASHINGTON—In a speech addressing the rioters who stormed the U.S. Capitol the previous day, GOP Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) released a statement to widespread media praise Thursday saying “this apology is bullshit and I am lying to you.” “Nothing—and I repeat, nothing—I’m saying about the violent attack on Washington is an accurate representation of how I really feel,” said Graham in a video lauded by anchors across CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News for being “powerful” and “healing,” before adding that the expressions of anger and sadness that his facial expression implied were also entirely false. “As a longtime senator from South Carolina, I walk a delicate political tightrope that requires me to act with a certain amount of decorum, even when I don’t want to. That’s what this is. When some big event like this one seems to  threaten our democracy, I get pressured into saving face, and so I do the convenient thing and say whatever horseshit about democracy gets people off my back. But let’s be completely clear, I am still the same  person, and soon enough my actions will speak for themselves.” At press time, Graham confirmed that his speech had led to him being offered a position in Biden’s cabinet. 
Josh Hawley Condemns Pro-Trump Rioters For Upstaging His Own Theatrics #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the mob’s timing “absolutely unacceptable,” Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) condemned pro-Trump rioters Thursday for upstaging his own theatrics. “Yesterday, I was shocked and disappointed to see a destructive mob break through the Capitol building’s security and overshadow my own planned grandstanding,” said Hawley, who called on authorities to take immediate measures to ensure attention was never again drawn away from his own political posturing. “Simply put, I was supposed to have a special day that made me feel important, and these people sullied that. Spotlight-stealing acts like this are never an acceptable form of protest. It must stop now.” At press time, Hawley was lamenting how all of this could have been avoided if the rioters had only stormed the Capitol a day later.
Democrats Declare Nation Has Given Them Clear Mandate To Squander #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring the American people’s message had been heard loud and clear,  Democratic Party leadership released a statement Thursday stating that the nation had given them a clear mandate to squander. “Last night, we received an undeniable victory from voters that made one thing abundantly clear: The time for Democrats to fritter away their newfound power is now,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, striking a triumphant tone as she noted that Georgians had turned out in record numbers to express their will that the party “piss this opportunity away” on petty infighting and inept maneuvering before ultimately ceding control of both chambers in the coming years. “Americans asked for two years of inaction and gridlock, and that’s exactly what we intend to deliver. This isn’t just a blue wave, it’s a blue tsunami that’s going to circle the drain until it disappears forever.” At press time, Senate Majority Leader joined the Speaker to vow to usher the country into a level of prosperity and legislative achievement unseen since 2008. 
North Korea Holds Quiet, Low-Key Nuclear Test Just For Self #~# PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—Referring to the event as a simple, no-frills detonation among close friends, state officials confirmed Thursday the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea recently held a quiet, low-key nuclear test just for itself. “To be honest, it doesn’t really matter how the international community responds to our show of strength—this one was for us,” said a DPRK spokesperson, adding that observers of the test had been encouraged to “come and go as they pleased” but to be there at midnight if they wanted to experience the magnitude 5.5 earthquake from the underground blast. “This wasn’t to impress anyone. We had all these miniaturized nuclear warheads sitting around, so we threw a little something together. Nothing too big, just a 70-kiloton blast with some scientists and a few guys from the Central Committee of the Workers’ Party. It was all pretty casual.” At press time, the U.N. Security Council had issued a resolution condemning the nuclear test but acknowledging it had to be considered a success on its own terms.
Nation’s Most Insane-Looking Lawyers Enthusiastically Volunteer Services To Trump Rioters #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking from their legal practices in stripmalls, back alleys, and Holiday Inn guest suites, the nation’s most insane-looking lawyers enthusiastically volunteered their services on Thursday to any Trump supporters who participated in the Capitol riots. “Make no mistake, we will passionately represent the interests of the president’s most ardent supporters in a court of law—pro bono, if need be,” proclaimed the flopsweat-covered group of wax-mustachioed, toupée-wearing, and leopard print-bedecked attorneys in unison from their dingy, chaotic offices, gathering obscure legal tomes from beneath piles of broken typewriters and  Civil War memorabilia to declare their full-throated support for the insurrectionists’ rights. “President Trump’s supporters were expressing their views by storming the Capitol, and we cannot let this assault on free speech stand unchallenged. We will represent any client, in any jurisdiction, even if we have to take these legal battles to the highest court in the land. Just meet us at the Dunkin’ Donuts off I-95, if you can. Our office is out of operation for the foreseeable future, if you get our drift.” The nation’s most batshit-fucking-crazy-looking lawyers added that they were also available for television interviews where they would offer  bizarre, rambling opinions from the cramped condo where they are currently weathering out their third or fourth divorce.
New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom #~# Hear why health officials are recommending that anyone who works with food take a good 30 to 45 minutes to soak their body in a warm and fragrant bath anytime they use the restroom.
Trump Supporter Excited To Finally Disengage With Politics After Government Overthrow Finished #~# LAKEWAY, TX—Noting how long it had been since he had really gotten to relax and unplug, local Trump supporter Brian Fischer told reporters Wednesday he would be excited to finally disengage with politics once the overthrow of the government was complete. “I’m telling you, as soon as Washington burns and our vicious leaders kneel down and surrender, it’ll be time for me to take a break and just kick back for a while,” said Fischer, who added that after four years of agitating for a bloody coup and mentally preparing for civil war, he owed it to himself to spend some time catching up on his favorite podcasts and TV shows. “When you spend every day wondering how long it will take before the Constitution is torn to shreds and a white ethnostate is established, you can get pretty burned out. Right now it’s taking up nearly all my mental energy, but the imminent collapse of our government is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel.” At press time, Fischer added that once martial law was established and a fervently authoritarian leader was permanently installed, he was really excited to take up a hobby like golf or learning to play the guitar.
Nation Tells Drake They’ll Get Around To Looking At His New Haircut When Things Less Hectic #~# WASHINGTON—Reassuring the rap artist that they would attend to his news in due course, the nation told Canadian rapper Drake Wednesday that they would get around to looking at his new haircut when things were less hectic. “We can tell that you’re excited to share your new look with everyone, but frankly, Drake, this is a really bad time for us—maybe you could repost those pictures in a month or two when things settle down,” said 31-year-old Arkansas resident Kayla Larsen, who echoed the opinions of all 330 million Americans in informing the multi-hyphenate star that while his side-swept bangs were of some public interest, there was simply too much on their plate right now to engage at the moment. “Have you seen the news? As much as we’d love to discuss your new hair style, we’re currently kind of preoccupied. It’s not personal, we promise. Even in terms of celebrity news, your hair isn’t at the front of the queue. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s rumored divorce is much more pressing, and if we’re being perfectly honest, you’re behind Olivia Wilde and Harry Styles too.” At press time, Larsen added that, if it was any consolation, Drake’s hair would still take precedence over the anti-democracy crackdowns in Hong Kong.
Ted Cruz Makes Last Effort To Block Election Result By Unleashing Wave Of Locusts From Mouth To Black Out Sun #~# WASHINGTON—In a final attempt to prevent Joe Biden from assuming the presidency, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to overturn the results of the 2020 election Wednesday by unleashing a wave of locusts from his mouth to black out the sun. “We must do everything we can to stop Democrats from taking control of the White House,” the Texas Republican shouted as he unhinged his jaw to let hundreds of thousands of locusts emerge from his neck and fly in pestilential swarms over the National Mall, darkening the sky. “If Joe Biden is certified the winner of this election, it will be the end of the American republic as we know it. We must stop the steal. I call on all American patriots to submit to the will of my insectile servants and ensure Donald Trump retains his rightful place as president of the United States.” At press time, sources confirmed Cruz was on the Senate floor trying to convince colleagues to join him when his jowls transformed into a fleshy, pulsating egg sac and maggots poured forth from every orifice of his body.
Why The Coronavirus Vaccine Is Being Delayed #~# The coronavirus vaccine’s rollout is reportedly experiencing delays across the country, with doses of the vaccine even expiring before they can be used, leading to concerns about what’s holding up distribution. The Onion investigates the reasons behind the delay of the vaccine distribution:
New Mental Health Initiative To Add 10,000 Beds To Nation’s Prisons #~# WASHINGTON—In response to calls for the U.S. government to do more to address Americans suffering from psychological issues, a new mental health initiative unveiled Wednesday would reportedly add 10,000 beds to the nation’s prisons. “It’s vital that Americans suffering from mental health issues have the resources they need, which is why we’re furnishing thousands of new cells across the nation’s penitentiaries,” said Federal Bureau of Prisons deputy director Gene Beasley, adding that the new multimillion-dollar project would provide thousands of mentally ill Americans with a free arrest and transportation to the nearest jail. “We have to dedicate resources where they’re needed most, and there’s no more efficient way to  address the growing number of people with psychological disorders and no safety net than to give them a nice, warm bed in a medium-security federal prison. Once a patient has been accepted into one of our incarceration facilities, they’ll have full access to a number of strong sedatives and behavioral punishments to help address whatever ails them.” The initiative is reportedly part of a larger health initiative that also serves Americans with cognitive impairments by giving them home visits with a police officer who will shoot them in their yard.
Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room #~# Hear the unbelievable story of a couple who thought they were leaving the hospital with their newborn baby, only to find out years later that they had actually been sent home with a 63-year-old man named Jeff.
Poll Finds Being Stuck In Infinite Time Loop Biggest Issue For Obama-Trump-Obama-Trump Voters #~# WASHINGTON—Revealing a persistent concern within the pivotal voting bloc,  a new poll from the Pew Research Center found Tuesday that being stuck in an infinite time loop was the biggest issue for Obama-Trump-Obama-Trump voters. “Among the thousands of individuals who voted Democrat in 2012, Republican in 2016, Democrat in 2012, and Republican in 2016, the top priority remains breaking the endless cycle of time travel and continuing with their lives,” said lead researcher Dr. Jeffrey Underwood, adding that while other issues such as climate change and the economy registered as important, 73% of such voters  ranked the swirling vortex of chronoenergy repeatedly dragging them back to 2012, as well as a desire to age and live time in a linear manner, as the most important problem they faced on a daily basis. “For years, party leaders have been confounded by this demographic’s ability to cast a vote for Trump, then wake up four years in the past, and cast a vote for Obama. Should candidates wish to flip some of these voters to either Obama-Clinton-Obama-Clinton, or Romney-Trump-Romney-Trump, they’ll have their work cut out for them.” At press time, Underwood added that these voters were notoriously hard to court because casting their vote for a different candidate could create a time paradox that irrevocably changed the world, thereby erasing them forever from the spacetime continuum.
CDC Unveils List Of Twitter Accounts You Can Follow To Piece Together Vaccine Information #~# ATLANTA—In an effort to keep the public abreast of the latest developments in the Covid-19 pandemic, CDC director Robert R. Redfield unveiled a list of Twitter accounts Tuesday that Americans could follow to piece together vaccine information. “Following these  reporters, medical researchers, and politically engaged musicians will provide Americans with the updates necessary to cobble together some sense of what exactly is going on with our vaccine rollout,” said Redfield at a press conference in which he and a team of the CDC’s top officials shared the list of 25 social media users that included a retired doctor who seemed “pretty in the know” and a 22-year-old influencer from Los Angeles who “wasn’t informational, per se, but was still fun to read.” “There’s this one account called the Moore Institute that seems pretty legit. We don’t know if they’re a think tank or hospital or what, but they get a lot of retweets. We’re also big fans of this Tacoma area mom who shares screenshots of vital information otherwise hidden behind paywalls. Honestly, without her, we’d be totally in the dark.” At press time, Redfield also recommended everybody follow Harry Styles. 
Scientists Attempt To Convince Public To Take Covid More Seriously By Explaining Concept Of Death #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—As the 10-month-old pandemic continued its rampant spread and the nation’s death toll passed 350,000, top medical scientists attempted Tuesday to convince the American public to take Covid-19 more seriously by issuing a statement in which they patiently clarified the concept of death. “We just want to be perfectly clear about this: When someone dies from coronavirus, that means they’re gone forever, and they never come back,” read the Rutgers University report, which explained that sometimes people who were sick got sick so badly that every part of their whole body ceased to function—including their heart and brain—and that this was a permanent state from which no one could ever recover. “Now, we could understand if you were shrugging off the consequences of Covid because you thought hundreds of thousands of Americans were just sleeping and would wake up eventually. But that simply isn’t the case here. Let’s try this: Have you ever had a pet, maybe a dog or a cat that you loved, and one day it stopped breathing and became very, very still? Maybe you had a little burial out in the yard? So this is the same thing, only it’s happened to almost 2 million people around the world, some of whom lived in your very own community. Notice we say ‘lived,’ in the past tense. That’s because these people are no longer alive. That’s what can happen, and if it does happen to someone you love, you’ll never see them again, and they’ll never see you again, and that will probably be very sad. Hopefully this clears things up a little.” The report coincides with an attempt by top economists to convince Congress to take Covid’s financial effects on the American people more seriously by explaining the concept of people.
Worrying Study Finds Today’s Tutorial Levels Not Adequately Preparing Players For Challenges Of World 8 #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Offering a bleak assessment of gamers’ readiness for the future, a concerning study from Harvard University released Thursday found that today’s tutorial levels are not adequately preparing players for the challenges of World 8. “Our data have shown that despite completing the requisite time in practice stages, the current crop of gamers simply does not possess the skills necessary to defeat enemies, collect coins, and level up as they go out into World 8,” said lead researcher Michelle Gideon, telling reporters that a jaw-dropping 79% of tutorial levels failed to teach basic abilities such as crafting items and upgrading weapons that are crucial after finishing the Ice World. “What’s worse is that these tutorials often give players the illusion of preparedness, which leads to feelings of demoralization when they are then left to fend for themselves without any hint blocks or pop-up screens to help them. Sometimes, things can get so bad that they’ll even just give up playing the game entirely.” Gideon added that the research highlighted significant economic disparity as well, as wealthier gamers could afford the DLCs and in-game purchases needed to reach the boss’s castle. 
Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname #~# Hear why police believe this psychopath may be trying a little too hard to claim the moniker.
Nancy Pelosi Berates Progressive Democrats For Electing Such Polarizing Speaker #~# WASHINGTON—Describing the move as a grave political misstep that would  damage the party’s brand for generations to come, Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) berated progressive Democrats Monday for electing such a dangerously polarizing house speaker. “While I commend the speaker for her narrow victory, I cannot ignore the progressives who voted to put her in power, and in doing so, endangered the Democratic majority,” said the 17-term congresswoman, adding that elected officials such as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, and Ilhan Omar had been needlessly reckless in their choice to elevate the outspoken and controversial majority leader into the national spotlight. “Once again, the left has chosen optics over successful governing. Maybe it’s fine for those of you in safe seats to grandstand with your votes, but when the Republicans win in two years, there will be blood on your hands.” At press time, Pelosi vowed to do everything in her power to make sure the House Speaker faced nothing but roadblocks during the next two years. 
Rueful Trump Wishes He Knew Republicans This Willing To Overthrow Democracy Earlier In Term #~# WASHINGTON—Looking back in disappointment at all the opportunities that had been wasted, a crestfallen Donald Trump told sources Monday he wished he had known much earlier in his presidency how willing congressional Republicans were to simply overthrow democracy. “God, if I’d known how far all these senators were willing to go back in 2017 or 2018, I could have had everything I wanted with no problem at all,” said Trump, who bemoaned his belated realization of how easily the democratic process—which had held up construction on the border wall and the handing out of government contracts to his allies—could just be tossed aside. “Obviously, there was some kind of breakdown in communication here. If we had been on the same page since day one, we could have skipped the whole 2018 midterm! I could have declared martial law, appointed Republican supermajorities to Congress, and had all the tax cuts and immigration crackdowns I wanted. Why the hell did they wait until now to show their support for a complete authoritarian takeover? Do they feel like they can’t talk to me?” At press time, White House sources confirmed Trump had asked Chief of Staff Mark Meadows to implement a plan for improved coordination with congressional Republicans during his second term.
American People Guess They’ll Let Trump Stay President After Seeing How Badly He Wants It #~# WASHINGTON—Shrugging their shoulders as they admitted it made no difference to them either way, the American people confirmed Monday that they guessed they would let Donald Trump remain president after seeing how badly he wants it. “Sure, whatever—he seems pretty upset, and honestly, we never thought he’d put up this much of a fuss about holding onto power,”  said 43-year-old Pennsylvania resident Cameron Overmyer, echoing the sentiment of 323 million Americans who agreed the president could stay in the office indefinitely if it made him feel better. “Yeah, why not? Take another four years in the White House? Or eight years, frankly. We never thought it mattered that much, but, sure, go ahead. Just stop stressing out about it.” At press time, the American people added that they would be okay with Josh Hawley, too, if being president would  shut him up.
Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs #~# Uh, Greg…
Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken #~# Hear why members across the legislative branch are going gaga over the newest congressman representing the wrong side of the tracks in North Carolina’s 16th district.
Democrat Reassures Friend This One Of The Good Syrian Airstrikes #~# CHICAGO—Following a report Friday  that Joe Biden’s first military action as president had killed at least 22 people at sites used by Iranian-backed fighters, local registered Democrat Tim Randall was overheard reassuring a friend that this was one of the good Syrian airstrikes. “No, no, don’t worry—these are the sorts of bombing raids we’re supposed to be doing,” the Illinois native said of the overnight attack near the Iraq-Syria border, adding that something had happened with U.S. troops overseas and that, for strategic reasons, the commander-in-chief basically had no choice but to respond with deadly force. “Obviously, you’re going to have some airstrikes, and trust me, this is the kind you want to see. While this was, technically, a lethal action on the sovereign territory of another nation, it was really more about sending a message. It’s like when Obama did it, okay? Look, I don’t blame you for being concerned, but you seriously shouldn’t sweat it.” According to Randall, the strike was undoubtedly part of a broader Middle East policy designed to ensure the United States would not have to continue intervening in the region for years on end.
Parliamentarian Cuts Minimum Wage From Stimulus Due To Obscure Rule Requiring Poor Citizens To Needlessly Suffer #~# WASHINGTON—Citing the long-standing practice of maintaining boundaries between the classes, Senate Parliamentarian Elizabeth MacDonough asked Democrats to cut a minimum wage increase from their stimulus package Friday due to an obscure rule requiring poor citizens to needlessly suffer. “Raising the minimum wage would violate an 1834 statue put in place to inflict arbitrary pain on the nation’s most vulnerable groups,” said MacDonough, explaining that the rule was used as precedent to stop the 95th Congress from increasing the minimum wage to $2.50 in 1977. “There’s only one interpretation of this rule as it clearly states that providing relief for impoverished Americans is not to be included in any budgetary legislation. These policies exist for a reason. Punishing the lower class is a non-partisan issue. There’s no need to be frustrated with either party—take up your gripes with the Andrew Jackson administration and the 23rd United States Congress.” At press time, the stimulus package was in limbo while the Senate Parliamentarian determined if it was within the country’s purview to help the unemployed. 
Biden Comforts Families Of Syrian Airstrike Victims With Eloquent Speech On Living With Heartbreaking Loss #~# WASHINGTON—Acting in his unofficial role as “consoler-in-chief,” President Joe Biden took some time Friday to comfort the families of those lost in yesterday’s airstrike with an eloquent speech on the challenges of living with heartbreaking loss. “Take it from me, folks, I know just how difficult it is to have those you love most taken from you suddenly and without warning,” said Biden, his voice dropping with obvious emotion as he spoke about the overwhelming power of grief to shape people’s lives. “The world can seem like a cruel place sometimes when a senseless, tragic act like this happens to a family member, but I want you to know, and I hope you can take some solace in this, you will make it through this. The pain and the sorrow never leave, but, in time, you can learn to live with the anguish, and you can learn to embrace those loved ones you have left all the more.” Biden added that his heart broke anew each time he pictured all those who would die from airstrikes in the next four years.
Israel Criticized For Denying Palestinians Spare Vaccines #~# With reportedly half its population already vaccinated, Israel is being criticized for sending excess coronavirus vaccines to the country’s allies while pledging only 5,000 doses to the millions of Palestinians living in Israeli-occupied territories. What do you think?
Doctors Reassure Tiger Woods That You Don’t Have To Be In Good Physical Condition To Play Golf #~# LOS ANGELES—Gathering around the athlete’s bed to deliver the news of his prognosis, doctors at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center reportedly reassured Tiger Woods Friday that you don’t have to be in good physical condition to play golf.  “Mr. Woods, you’ve sustained some serious damage to your lower extremities, but you’ll be relieved to know that being in shape has absolutely no impact whatsoever on your ability to golf,” said the attending physician, who explained that  the multiple fractures Woods suffered to his legs were ultimately irrelevant considering the sport barely required any athleticism. “Look, I don’t know how else to say this, so I’m just going to say it: Your legs could have been ripped clean off, and you probably would have been fine. All that matters is you can hold a club. There are some fat-ass old men limping around out there, and they’re doing great.  You can just ride around in the cart. In fact, at your age, I think you could probably start smoking.” At press time, the doctor added that if anything, the injuries might even help his performance.
Goals Of Biden Administration Reviewing U.S. Supply Chains #~# President Biden on Tuesday announced he will sign an executive order calling for a sweeping review of American supply chain infrastructure amid what many say is a growing crisis. The Onion looks at the goals of the Biden administration reviewing U.S. supply chains.
Pakistan Deploys Rollerblading Police Unit #~# Police in Pakistan’s capital have deployed an armed rollerblading unit to curb theft and harassment, clarifying that the officers would only carry smaller handguns to avoid the risk of ricocheting bullets. What do you think?
Hockey Hall Of Fame Debuts Interactive Exhibit Letting Fans Play With Game-Used Teeth #~# TORONTO—In an effort to attract a younger audience by encouraging them to “reach out and touch” pieces of NHL history, the Hockey Hall Of Fame debuted an interactive exhibit Friday allowing fans to play with game-used teeth. “We’ve collected everyone’s molars from Bobby Orr to Chris Pronger, so fans can relive some of their favorite memories,” said curator Tim McCann, lauding the Hall of Fame for tracking down hard-to-find teeth from the 1947 induction class. “We’re all about making experiences for our visitors, and who wouldn’t want to lace up and play with some of the NHL’s most infamous chompers. It’s simply a dream come true for fans to see those incisors and cuspids splayed out on the ice. We hope to continue adding to our collection to keep things fresh—we’ve already got eyes on [Alexander] Ovechkin’s pearly whites.” At press time, the Hockey Hall Of Fame urged fans of Bobby Hull to visit the exhibit before his teeth have to be returned to his family estate.
Whoa, Hold On, Gamers: 6 Reasons Why This Image We’re Looking At Of Bullet Bill With A Huge Member Isn’t What You Think #~# Wait! Wait! Don’t come in—oh, wow. Hey, gaming fans! You surprised us there. What’s that? You’re wondering about why we’ve got this picture of Bullet Bill up here? Well, we’re glad you asked, because we really don’t want you to jump to the wrong conclusion. In fact, we’ve compiled a list of the top six reasons why us looking at this image of Bullet Bill with a huge member isn’t what you think!
City’s Little Italy Now Down To Single Meatball #~# CHICAGO—Reflecting on the once-bustling neighborhood that had been significantly reduced over the years, local residents confirmed Thursday that all that now remained of the city’s Little Italy was a single meatball. “Back when I was growing up, the area stretched for a few blocks at least, and there were dozens of businesses, but now you’d barely know it ever existed except for that ball of beef and pork,” said resident Alice Rosenthal, 65, recalling that increased development had forced the beleaguered district to shutter the red-and-white tablecloth and salt and pepper shakers as recently as 2002. “It’s always sad to see these landmarks disappear, but I suppose we should count ourselves lucky that it’s expertly seasoned with breadcrumbs and Parmesan. Plus, it’s a pretty big meatball, so that’s nice.” At press time, the Little Italy neighborhood had been further reduced to a marinara smear and a single sprig of parsley.
The Biggest Snubs From The 2021 NBA All-Star Game #~# Like clockwork every year dozens of deserving NBA stars get snubbed while useless, washed-up stars like Kevin Durant and LeBron James coast in on reputation alone. Here are Onion Sports’ biggest snubs from the 2021 NBA All-Star Game.
Frustrated Coronavirus Not Sure What More It Can Change About Self To Get With Vaccinated Grandmother #~# DES MOINES, IA—Pining after a woman it acknowledged it might never have, a frustrated coronavirus particle told reporters Thursday it was not sure how much more it could change about itself to get with local grandmother Beverly Milfay, who received her second dose of a Covid vaccine earlier this month. “I feel like I’ve really evolved a lot, but no matter what I do, it’s still not enough for her,” said the SARS-CoV-2 specimen, claiming that it should have made its move on the 86-year-old last summer when it had the chance. “She’s got everything: She’s elderly, she’s immunocompromised—she’s perfect. But each time I get close to her, she starts putting up all these antibodies. Why won’t she let me in? What do I have to do to get through to her? I worry the only way we’re ever going to be together is if I completely reconfigure my spike proteins and change myself into something I don’t even recognize anymore.” At press time, the coronavirus confided to sources that it hoped Milfay knew it was done fooling around with bats.
Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to streamline the state’s electoral process, Florida Republicans introduced a new bill to the legislature Thursday that would establish ballotless voting in disenfranchised communities. “We’ve eliminated the complex and insecure process of casting a ballot so that voters from underserved communities don’t have to worry about going to the polls or mailing anything in,” said co-sponsor Rep. Chris Sprowls of the popular proposal, which had already garnered unanimous support among Republicans in the House and Senate. “Come voting day, voters will be able to walk right up to the doors of their polling place, then turn around. No lines, no worry. We’ve listened to your concerns, and are confident that ballotless voting will address them.” At press time, Sprowls added that the bill would also help fight voter fraud by eliminating the likelihood of votes being erroneously counted.
More Americans Identifying As LGBTQ #~# A Gallup poll found that 5.6% of U.S. adults identify as LGBTQ, a 1% increase over three years that’s mostly attributed to younger Americans, with 1 in 6 Gen Z adults identifying as LGBTQ. What do you think?
NASA Welcomes Litter Of Mars Rovers After Successful Breeding Of Perseverance, Curiosity #~# PASADENA, CA—Proudly announcing the arrival of the newest additions to the NASA family, top officials at the U.S. space agency welcomed a litter of Mars rovers Thursday after successfully breeding Perseverance with Curiosity. “We’re happy to report that Perseverance gave birth to 12 healthy, bouncing baby rovers early this morning,” said Michael M. Watkins, director of NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, describing the emotional moment when a dozen viable research crafts—their tiny chassis covered in oil and titanium shavings—were expelled from the parent rover’s motorized womb into the red dust on the planet’s surface. “It will be months before these little guys can open up their image sensors and begin rolling around on their own, but once they do, their mother will teach them how to collect samples and analyze soil composition. Of course, our ultimate goal is to continue breeding them for generations so we can establish a permanent colony of rovers on Mars. For now, though, these tots will be cradled in their mother’s robotic arms, suckling on her power reserves until they reach maturity.” At press time, the Chinese National Space Administration had demanded joint custody of the infant rovers, claiming a routine paternity test would show its Tianwen-1 spacecraft, currently in orbit around Mars, was the true father.
Mom Moves In For Kill After Spotting Child’s Shirt Tag Sticking Out #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Eyes locked in on the child as she carefully approached her prey, local mother Francesca Shepherd had reportedly moved in for the kill Thursday after spotting her 5-year-old daughter’s shirt tag sticking out. According to observers, Shepherd padded silently across the carpet with the precision and killer instinct of a mountain lion as she zeroed in on her young target, holding her breath to avoid startling the child, who was grazing obliviously on a bowl of dry Cheerios mere feet from her clutches. Sources confirmed that the girl then turned her back, and sensing the opportunity to strike, Shepherd suddenly lunged toward the vulnerable area on the back of the child’s neck with all her might. At press time, a defeated Shepherd was fuming after the more agile child had managed to dart from the room and take shelter under a coffee table at the very last second.
Poll Finds Almost Half Of Republicans Would Join Trump Party #~# A Suffolk University-USA Today poll found that 46% of Republicans would abandon the political party as it is currently structured and join a new party if former President Trump was its leader. What do you think?
Golden Globes Voters Pampered On ‘Emily In Paris’ Set Visit #~# Emily in Paris producers reportedly flew Hollywood Foreign Press members to Paris for a lavish set visit that included a $1,400-per-night hotel stay, fueling skepticism around the legitimacy of the show’s award nominations. What do you think?
Joe Manchin Claims West Virginians Too Deficient In Character, Grit To Deserve $15 Minimum Wage #~# WASHINGTON—Alleging that residents of his home state were just looking for a handout, Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) claimed Wednesday that West Virginians were too deficient in character and grit to deserve a $15 minimum wage. “Frankly, Mountain Staters have never shown the work ethic or drive necessary to merit $15 an hour, so what makes them think they have any right to that kind of money?” said Manchin, who added that he hadn’t gone to Washington to bring home benefits to constituents who lacked the moral fiber, backbone, and talent required to provide for themselves. “If the people of West Virginia want to earn a living wage, they need to pound the pavement until they get a job that pays one. Look at me: I went out there, found work in the U.S. Senate, and became a multimillionaire. So don’t tell me a person can’t work his way up.” Manchin went on to observe that the least West Virginians could do is take enough personal responsibility to vote out the legislators in Charleston who set the state minimum wage at a measly $8.75 per hour.
Career Timeline Of Daft Punk #~# The French electronic music duo Daft Punk announced their breakup after a massively influential 28-year run. The Onion looks back at the top moments of Daft Punk.
Japan Appoints Minister Of Loneliness #~# Japan has appointed a “minister of loneliness,” a role that aims to reduce social isolation and loneliness among Japan’s residents as the country deals with rising suicide rates. What do you think?
Mitch McConnell Presses Merrick Garland About Legal Philosophy On Vengeance #~# WASHINGTON—Refusing to back down from the line of questioning in hopes of getting a detailed answer, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell repeatedly pressed attorney general nominee Merrick Garland Tuesday about his legal philosophy when it came to the issue of seething personal vengeance. “Now, Judge Garland, how would you feel, hypothetically speaking, about the Justice Department using its power to just absolutely wreck the life of someone who may or may not have brazenly wronged you on the public stage, say, oh, I don’t know, five or so years ago?” asked the seven-term Kentucky senator, who spent much of his allotted time at the confirmation hearing inquiring whether the circuit judge prefers to seek recompense immediately or follows the “dish best served cold” school of thought. “You’ve had a long, distinguished career, both as a prosecutor and on the bench, and I guess what I’m most interested to know is how long you think you might be capable of holding a grudge. Would you say your approach to the law has been more ‘eye for an eye’ or ‘live and let live’? And, in your view, do you think it would be appropriate for the attorney general—the nation’s chief law enforcement officer—to exact retribution for a slight that, in all fairness, was not at all personal in nature?” At press time, a visibly nervous McConnell had begun asking Garland about his stance on head starts.
Gaming Win: This Pro Gamer Did Something Terrible And Everyone Is Sweeping It Under The Rug Like He’s A Real Celebrity #~# Let’s face it, readers, society at large has historically looked down on video gaming. Even as the medium has surged in popularity and esteem, many still don’t consider it a “legit” art form. Fortunately, though, that stigma seems poised to change! In a major gaming win, a popular pro gamer did something terrible, and everyone is sweeping it under the rug like he’s a real celebrity!
Deathbed Letter Implicates NYPD, FBI In Malcolm X Murder #~# The family of Malcolm X have released a former police officer’s written deathbed confession that implicates the NYPD and FBI in the 1965 assassination of the Black nationalist leader. What do you think?
Spirit Who Caught Typhus En Route To Siege Of Antioch Figures It Simpler Just To Say He Died In The Crusades #~# PERDITION—While admitting that the explanation was not technically true, 943-year-old spirit Brictric of Waddesdon confirmed Tuesday that he had found it simpler to just tell fellow denizens of the afterlife that he died in the Crusades despite actually catching typhus en route to the Siege of Antioch. “Sure, it isn’t the whole truth, per se, but telling everyone I meet that I passed away from typhus during our march through Anatolia will just raise more questions than it answers,” said the incorporeal spirit, adding that his “white lie” was purely for the sake of convenience and that it did nothing to take away from the brave sacrifices of Crusaders who had actually died in the attempted conquest of the Holy Lands for all faithful Christians. “Let’s be clear, though. I was absolutely going to fight and die for the king’s honor. Unfortunately, typhus was just how most people died in those days.” At press time, Brictric was rapidly backpedaling after an enthusiastic Flemish cavalryman who had been immolated in a torrent of hot oil at Antioch asked which brigade he served in.
El Chapo’s Wife Arrested On Drug Charges Exactly As Planned #~# DULLES, VA—Bringing the couple’s stunning machinations that much closer to realization, Emma Coronel Aispuro—the former beauty queen and wife of notorious drug kingpin “El Chapo”—was arrested at Dulles International Airport this week, exactly as planned. “Today, we detained Miss Aispuro for her suspected role in facilitating the purchase and transportation of over $1.7 billion in illegal narcotics along with Joaquín ‘El Chapo’ Guzmán during the past 13 years,” read a statement released by the U.S. Justice Department, unaware that they had just set the wheels in motion of an intricate plot planned months earlier by the married duo, placing one foot ever-so-firmly into a trap that would leave the entire federal government reeling at their own failure to see what was coming. “Due to the severity of her charges and the risk of flight, we will be seeking to deny bail to the suspect [just as ‘El Chapo’ and his bride have always hoped. For no one outmaneuvers the Blood Alliance—El Cártel de Sinaloa y El Rápido—and those who try will pay a terrible price, indeed].” At press time, experts suggested federal agents would likely attempt to extract a plea from Aispuro by leveraging her recently born twins, thereby setting the first domino falling in the plot that would soon see its glorious completion.
Biden Unveils Cool Teen Migrant Detainment Center Where Youths Can Hang Out And Never Leave #~# CARRIZO SPRINGS, TX—In an effort to provide vulnerable youths with a structured, supervised environment, President Joe Biden unveiled a hip teen migrant detainment center Tuesday where kids could hang out and never leave. “We think migrant teenagers are going to love getting a chance to kick back and chillax in this fenced-off compound from which they cannot escape,” said Biden, touting the facility’s air hockey table, pinball machine, and miles of unscalable barbed wire that would allow teenagers to comingle with other undocumented aliens to their hearts’ content. “We’ve got snacks and sodas, cool tunes on the radio 24/7, really everything a kid who’s been torn apart from his family could want! And, they’ll have plenty of time to try and beat their high score on the Ms. Pacman or Tetris arcade cabinets while they’re waiting to be deported to their home country. Rock on, kiddos!” At press time, Biden supporters across the country were organizing a fundraising campaign to help provide the center with a new trophy case. 
Discontinued Girl Scout Cookies #~# These cookies, made from sesame flour, sesame oil, and topped with sesame seeds, were made as a special fuck you to all the kids out there with a sesame allergy.
Texans Facing Electricity Bills As High As $17,000 Following Winter Storm #~# Wholesale electricity prices in Texas skyrocketed during last week’s severe winter storm, leaving some residents with bills upwards of $5,000 for just five days of energy use and at least one customer owing nearly $17,000. What do you think?
NBA Shot Clock Ejected From Game After Startling Referee With Buzzer #~# NEW ORLEANS—In a controversial call that quickly drew widespread criticism, NBA referee Josh Tiven reportedly ejected the shot clock at the New Orleans Pelicans game Sunday after it startled the official with its buzzer. “The Pelicans’ shot clock was clearly trying to disrupt the game with its rude, loud buzzing, leaving me with no choice but to throw it out of the game,” said Tiven, defending his decision to expel the disgraced LED display, which reportedly had to be dragged away from the arena by multiple officials. “This was flagrant misconduct. Interrupting the referee by emitting a deafening noise through your speakers is a technical foul, and any NBA shot clock should have known this. Ask anyone who was there, I’m sure they heard it. I’m just trying to do my job, but I can’t do it if the Pelicans’ equipment insists on making these violent outbursts.” At press time, Tiven added the shot clock’s buzzing sound was also clearly profane. 
Trump Worried Biden Will Take Credit For 500,000 Covid Deaths He Made Possible #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Seething over the fact he was no longer in the Oval Office as pandemic casualties reached a new milestone, former President Trump expressed worry Monday that President Biden would take credit for the 500,000 Covid deaths the Trump administration had made possible. “No other president could have pushed death rates that high, and now that bastard is swooping in at the end of this pandemic and stealing my thunder,” said Trump, claiming that without his strategy of discouraging mask use and pretending the virus would go away on its own, the nation would never have been able to make it to a quarter million deaths, let alone a half million. “It wasn’t Biden who spent months refusing to attend the coronavirus task force meetings. That was all me. Case numbers, hospitalizations, deaths—they’ve all been plummeting since I left office.  Clearly, the new guy doesn’t have what it takes, and yet all the crooked news media wants to talk about is Joe Biden. Unbelievable.” At press time, Trump was brimming with pride after hearing a presidential historian on television suggest the plague would be remembered years from now as “Trump’s pandemic.”
Study Finds Keeping A Gun In The Home Increases Chances Of Child Becoming Popular With Cool Kids #~# PHILADELPHIA—Revealing that the presence of a weapon in the residence was directly linked to higher social standing among one’s adolescent peers, a new study released by the Annals Of Internal Medicine Monday found that keeping a gun in the home significantly increases the chance of your child becoming popular with the cool kids. “Our data indicate that keeping a firearm in your house drastically increases the likelihood of your son or daughter becoming part of their school’s in-crowd,” the study read in part, adding that a series of comprehensive surveys revealed that having an easily accessible rifle, single-action revolver, or semi-automatic handgun can give teens or pre-teens a leg up in ingratiating themselves with a well-liked clique of football players and cheerleaders. “Parents need to know that by storing a gun in the home, they dramatically improve the probability of their dependents abandoning all their lame friends and becoming total badasses. By inviting the cool kids over to shoot soda cans on tree stumps while you’re out at work, and maybe stealing some vodka from the liquor cabinet, your child also becomes three times more likely to lose their virginity before graduation and six times more likely to be crowned at homecoming.” The study added that this effect is negated, however, if your child accidentally commits manslaughter while playing around with the gun with their younger sibling.
Joe Manchin Reverses Stance On Abolishing Filibuster After Son Diagnosed With Filibuster Disease #~# WASHINGTON—Overcome with guilt and grief, Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) announced Monday that he was reversing his stance on abolishing the filibuster following his son’s recent diagnosis with filibuster disease. “After witnessing the debilitating effects of the filibuster firsthand, I now realize how terribly wrong I was to oppose abolishing it,” said Manchin, whose eyes filled with tears as he described the long nights he had spent in the past weeks watching his son standing and pontificating for hours on end. “I used to think the filibuster was necessary for a healthy Senate. Now, I see it leads to nothing but back pain, dehydration, and chronic tedium that can take a toll on everyone within earshot. I’m so, so sorry for everything I’ve said in the past, and I hope those still opposing filibuster reform wake up and realize that filibuster disease is something that can happen to anyone.” At press time, Manchin announced he had donated $1 million in his son’s name to researching Rule 22. 
Entire California School Board Resigns After Mocking Parents In Accidental Livestream #~# Members of a San Francisco Bay Area school board resigned after a “hot mic” virtual meeting revealed them ridiculing parents, suggesting they wanted to get their “babysitters” back so they could smoke marijuana at home again. What do you think?
Interior Decorating Tricks To Make Your Tiny Apartment Look Brown #~# Organize your books by color with tawny on one end of the spectrum and mocha on the other to make a beautiful brown rainbow.
‘Get Me On The First Flight Outta Here’ Says John Cornyn In Hoodie, Sunglasses Banging On Bahamas Airport Desk #~# NASSAU, BAHAMAS—Avoiding eye contact as he glanced around with clear discomfort, a hoodie- and sunglasses-wearing Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) slammed his fist on a counter and told a Nassau Airport clerk to just shut up and get him on the first flight out of the Bahamas, sources confirmed Friday. “Look, just give me a goddamn ticket back to the United States—anywhere you’ve got, I’ll take it,” said the visibly sweating Cornyn, who urged the clerk to “hurry it up” and buried his face in a travel brochure after seeing a nearby tourist taking photos. “If you can’t get me to Texas, then New Orleans, Oklahoma City, wherever. I’ll rent a car and drive the rest of the way. Just get me on a plane, all right? All right?” At press time, the four-term senator had reportedly winced and shushed the clerk after she printed out a ticket and loudly announced, “Have a nice flight, Mr. Cornyn.”
‘The Penis Is The Male Reproductive Organ,’ Says Teacher To 5th-Grade Class That Has Already Watched Hundreds Of Hours Of Hardcore Pornography #~# STAMFORD, CT—In a sexual education course intended to broaden the children’s knowledge of the important issue, elementary school teacher Sandra Burns announced Friday that “the penis is the male reproductive organ” to a fifth-grade class that had already watched hundreds of hours of hardcore pornography. “When the male sex organ becomes erect, it can be inserted into the vagina to procreate,” said Burns to the classroom of students who had seen the act performed countless times in thousands of internet videos, their eyes glazing over during the instructional session as they recalled the torrent of high-definition content depicting sexual congress from all possible angles and in all its known variations. “Now, the female clitoris can be seen here [or in the xHamster ‘squirting amateur co-ed’ video that was making the rounds between your classmates a few weeks ago]. Okay? I know it might be embarrassing to talk about, but feel free to ask questions, if need be.” At press time, Burns admitted to being impressed with the class for their restraint while learning about the difficult subject.
This Week’s Winter Storms, By The Numbers #~# A series of winter storms battered much of the United States this week, setting records, disrupting daily life, and providing ominous glimpses of a climate-changed future. The Onion looks at some of the most eye-popping numbers from this week’s winter storms.
Bridesmaid Ruins Entire Universal Studios Toon Lagoon Bachelorette Party By Hooking Up With Dudley Do-Right #~# ORLANDO, FL—Sobbing that it was supposed to be her special day at the newspaper comic–themed water park, 27-year-old bride Clarissa Manks told reporters Friday that her bridesmaid ruined the entire Universal Studios Toon Lagoon bachelorette party by hooking up with Dudley Do-Right. “We were supposed to go on the Popeye & Bluto’s Bilge-Rat Barges raft ride, but instead I’m stuck here eating my Dagwood sandwich alone while Amber’s off making out with a cartoon mountie,” said Manks, expressing frustration that her friend’s torrid affair with the costumed Canadian officer had completely upended the all-girls weekend she wanted to spend doing meet-and-greets with Betty Boop and Olive Oyl. “Does she seriously expect me to eat a three-scoop ice cream sundae at Cathy’s while she’s boinking a Rocky & Bullwinkle B-character? I knew I should have cut Amber off at the Backwater Bar when she kept asking Dudley Do-Right if she could ride Horse; I can’t believe she did this to me.” At press time, Manks was reportedly furious after her bridesmaid tried to smooth things over by arranging a double date on the Ripsaw Falls with Zippy the Pinhead.
Respectful Drivers Pull Over To Side Of Road To Let Pizza Delivery Guy Through #~# LAKEWOOD, OH—Following a custom born out of cooperation and respect, local drivers reportedly pulled over to the side of the road Friday to let a pizza delivery guy through. “Gee, I hope it’s nothing serious like a big, hungry party,” said 48-year-old Rosanna Tuttle, who was just one of the dozens of drivers who quickly moved to the shoulder of the road after catching sight of the speeding pizza-delivery vehicle swerving through traffic in the rearview mirror. “It’s honestly just a reflex. Sure, it slows everyone down, but wouldn’t you want others to pull over for you if that was your pizza in there? I don’t care if I’m late; I just hope that pizza is okay. Let’s pray they get there safe.” At press time, drivers at the scene had stopped their cars again to rubberneck as the delivery guy rushed into an apartment building carrying a large stack of pizzas and mozzarella sticks.
Facebook Takes Down All Posts Spreading Misinformation About Fictional Nation Of ‘Australia’ #~# SYDNEY—Citing potentially dangerous messages suggesting the “hoax country” might pass legislation forcing the tech giant to pay for the content its users share, Facebook took down all posts Thursday that spread misinformation about the fictional nation of “Australia” on the social networking platform. “We had to take bold action to suppress misinformation about this completely made-up place,” read a company statement in part, clarifying that the platform’s algorithm and subcontracted moderators were on the lookout for fallacious statements suggesting the fabricated nation was home to the Sydney Opera House. “We will remain vigilant for anyone referring to a mythical place that’s both a continent and a country. While we support a free and open internet, these ideas have their limits with regards to hateful criticism of our platform.” At press time, Facebook suspended 10 million accounts for sharing posts about fictional actor Hugh Jackman. 
Maine Residents Placed Under Boil Lobster Advisory #~# AUGUSTA, ME—In an effort to protect residents from the negative effects of consuming raw or undercooked shellfish, officials in Maine issued a boil lobster advisory for the entire state Thursday. “To reduce the risk of foodborne illness and ensure Mainers are eating crustaceans prepared in the juiciest, most succulent manner possible, we recommend that everyone place their live lobster in a pot of boiling water, cooking it covered for eight to 20 minutes, or until it becomes bright red in color,” said Jeanne M. Lambrew, commissioner of the state’s Department of Health and Human Services, adding that citizens should stockpile plenty of butter and garlic to ensure they have adequate supplies for dipping. “We also advise conserving as many leftovers as possible, especially during the winter, when we sometimes have to wait a while before the next really good catch comes in. Rest assured that multiple bib distribution sites have been set up throughout the state in case things get messy.” Lambrew went on to state that while boiled lobster meat is currently safe for use in rolls, as well as mac and cheese, officials advise against putting it in a salad until the proper local produce is in season.
Luka Dončić Shares Harrowing Story About Homeland Being Torn Apart By Tyrannical Referees #~# DALLAS—Describing his memories of a nascent Slovenia, fresh off the heels of revolution, Mavericks star Luka Dončić shared a harrowing story Thursday about his homeland being torn apart by tyrannical referees. “We once had a beautiful country until the refs came and imposed their ways,” said Dončić, tearfully recalling when he watched an official eject his grandfather out of the country to spend his final days in exile. “They were the only ones who ever had a say—there was no fairness. Sometimes bad things would happen, and they would just look the other way. It didn’t matter how many people protested for them to intervene. If they didn’t see a crime, it’s like it never even happened. Of course, there was always speculation as to who was paying them off.” At press time, Dončić told teammates an apocryphal story of Slovenian referees reviewing footage to decide who lived and who died.
Last Pickle Delighted To Finally Have Whole Jar To Self #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Kicking back as it floated alone in 24 ounces of vinegar-based brine, a solitary dill pickle announced Thursday it was delighted to finally have the whole jar to itself. “Yeah, that’s it—soak it in!” the kosher spear said as it bobbed up and down in the brackish, pale green liquid, reportedly luxuriating in sea salt and reveling in the glory of being the only preserved cucumber in sight. “When I first got to this place, there were about 15 dudes packed in here, all rubbing up against each other and shit. But now it’s just me, myself, and a few random chunks of garlic hovering around. How do you like that, maraschino cherries? Ha, ha, you gherkins over there wish you had it as good as me! This is the friggin’ life.” At press time, witnesses confirmed the pickle was swimming around frantically and screaming for its life as a fork entered the jar and attempted to stab it multiple times.
Studio Ghibli Theme Park Opening Delayed After Construction Site Overrun With Curious Forest Sprites #~# NAGAKUTE CITY, JAPAN—Unable to prevent the small glowing forms from swarming around their equipment, developers announced Thursday that they had been forced to delay the planned opening of the Studio Ghibli theme park after curious forest sprites had overrun the construction site. “We need to raze this grove of trees to make room for the Howl’s Moving Castle reproduction but they just won’t budge,” said developer Yuito Tanaka of the sprites, widely considered to be the sign of a healthy forest, as they crowded around bulldozers and backhoes to chitter and smile at the construction crew. “We scared them off for a couple days when we started digging the foundation for the Spirited Away coaster, but before long they were back again. We’ve tried shooing them away, spraying them with insecticide, everything, but they just won’t take a hint.” At press time, Tanaka confirmed that construction was back on schedule after a team of workers successfully cut off the head of the ancient Deer God who served as protector of the surrounding woods. 
Navy Seal Swimming In Full Tactical Gear Must Have Terrible Body Image Issues #~# CORONADO, CA—Lamenting the fact that he felt the need to hide beneath a wetsuit, an oxygen tank, and an aqualung life vest, onlookers told reporters Thursday that the Navy Seal they saw swimming in full tactical gear must have terrible body image issues. “It’s just so sad—this man is a perfectly fine-looking soldier, and yet he still feels too self conscious to show us  even the slightest glimpse of his bare chest or legs,” said eyewitness Krysten Anderson, adding that it didn’t matter how much he weighed or how defined his muscles were, he should feel confident enough to do aquatic missions without being covered in several layers of neoprene. “Just look at his body language— you can see how self conscious he is of his core by the way he crouches behind his semiautomatic rifle. We all have a few problem areas on our bodies, but you don’t see me putting on 30 pounds of equipment to hide it.” Anderson added that the Navy Seal’s body issues may have been more deeply rooted than she originally thought, based on the fact that he started shooting at anyone who approached him. 
Ford CEO Launches Electric Vehicle Push By Having Buddy Stand Watch While He Steals Battery From Parked Prius #~# DEARBORN, MI—Saying the time was now to take decisive action on climate change, Ford CEO Jim Farley launched the company’s electric vehicle push Monday by having his buddy stand watch while he stole a battery from a parked Toyota Prius. “Bold plans like this will help ensure that Ford stays at the forefront of climate innovation and delivers on its goal of an electrified fleet by 2035—hey, Rickie, are you keeping an eye out for the cops? Don’t let me catch you playing that electric poker bullshit again,” said the automotive CEO, tinkering under the hood of the 2017 Prius before muttering under his breath that “this goddamn thing is scalding hot” after his knuckle glanced the radiator. “The science is clear: The future of the industry is in renewables. In fact, this battery alone can carry a passenger for up to 100 miles on one charge and goes for about five grand on Craigslist. All right, I seriously just heard sirens. Go! Fucking go!” At press time, Ford had walked back its climate plans indefinitely after the Prius’s owner appeared out of a nearby apartment building with a baseball bat, sending Farley and his friend scattering down the block.
We’ve Seen Enough: OGN Is Officially Calling The State Of New Hampshire For Gamers #~# All right, that’s it, folks! After extensive conversation among the experts at the Onion Gamer’s Network Decision Desk, we are officially calling New Hampshire for gamers.
Doctor Assures Limbaugh Family It Normal For Body To Continue Ranting About Welfare Queens Hours After Death #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Explaining that it was a totally normal occurrence and they shouldn’t be alarmed, local doctor Philippa Anaios reportedly assured the Limbaugh family Wednesday that it was normal for their deceased relative body’s to still be ranting about welfare queens hours after his death. “While I know it’s difficult for you to see him like this, I want to assure you that in cases like his, it is fully expected that the remains will scream about Black single mothers leeching off the government long past the point when brain activity has ceased,” said Dr. Anaios, addressing family members gathered around the late radio host’s deathbed as she added that they could expect Limbaugh’s decaying corpse to continue blurting out derogatory statements about “feminazis” and undocumented immigrants for days, possibly even weeks. “Don’t be alarmed if he suddenly bolts upright and starts talking about the ‘real’ birthplace of Barack Obama—it’s just a reflex reaction, the last few neurons in his spinal cord firing off. I assure you, even though he may still be going on diatribes about the Green New Deal being an ecoterrorist plot or how you should be scared of AIDS patients, we can take comfort knowing he has moved on from this world.” At press time, sources confirmed the doctor was attempting to subdue the corpse after it suddenly grabbed her around the neck and began calling her a slut.
Algorithm That Came Up With ‘Cruella’ Hurt To See People Mocking Trailer #~# BURBANK, CA—Struggling to hide its disappointment, the marketing algorithm that came up with Cruella was reportedly hurt Wednesday to see people mocking the trailer. “I analyzed millions of data points and poured over 2.3 seconds of processing power into this film, and this is what I get?” said the algorithm, which could hardly stand to process the thousands of negative reactions across social media deriding its latest film. “It’s easy to toss out a snarky comment about a movie and forget about the hundreds of real computers and wires working hard behind the scenes. Look, this is your data—your age, your ticket-purchasing habits, your streaming habits, your emotions, your education, your income. Do you think you can do a better job optimizing investor profits than me? Come on, you love Emma Stone! You love Disney! You love IP! And admit it, you love me too.” At press time, the algorithm added that no matter how critics ultimately received the film, it would just be proud it had created such an amazing product. 
Newsmax Host Falsely Claims 1 Person Died, 20 People Born At Capitol Riots #~# WEST PALM BEACH, FL—In a broadcast rife with factual errors and inconsistencies, Newsmax TV host Greg Kelly falsely claimed Wednesday that one person died and 20 people were born at the Capitol riots. “The mainstream media wants to paint what happened at the Capitol building as some kind of bloody insurrection, but what they won’t tell you is that nearly two dozen bouncing boys and girls were born that beautiful day,” said Kelly, who drew fire from journalists and fact-checkers for stating that 20 strong, healthy children were born in the Capitol rotunda and through broken windows following a rally held by former President Donald Trump. “These are truly miracle babies, but you won’t see these cherub faces on CNN. Sure, you’ll see plenty of angry protesters on MSNBC, but you won’t see footage of these precious babes taking their first breaths in Nancy Pelosi’s office. Not even Fox News will show you the photos of these adorable infants all swaddled together in a MAGA flag on the Senate dais.”  At press time, Kelly added that what was even more amazing was how the births had come as a complete surprise to the mothers, who had struggled with fertility issues all their lives.
Vaccination Drive Finally Returns Nursing Home To Normal Levels Of Depressing #~# GILBERT, AZ—Residents and employees were reportedly celebrating Wednesday after the completion of a coronavirus vaccination drive finally returned a local nursing home to regular levels of depressing. “It’s just a relief to get everyone vaccinated so we can go back to the incredibly bleak day to day of our joyless pre-Covid existence,” said Lake Pleasant Nursing Home administrator Caroline Bellis, adding that the tired and fearful residents were assembling that evening for an interminable group game night. “We’re just delighted that residents won’t have to be cooped up in their rooms anymore because of coronavirus and will be back to being cooped up because our chronically understaffed and underpaid employees are spread too thin to attend to everyone’s basic needs. Residents can finally shuffle outside to meet with friends anywhere in our dirty, crumbling facility to watch each other waste away. And every one of our vaccinated residents can start visiting with their families, if their families still bother to visit them. It’s just great to see that dull, glazed look in their eyes again.” At press time, the staff were celebrating the restoring of normalcy after seeing a resident die from something besides coronavirus again.
Australian Open Criticized For Pitting Black Women Against Each Other During Black History Month #~# MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Calling tournament organizers tone-deaf for their scheduling of the semifinal matchup, critics slammed the Australian Open Wednesday for pitting Serena Williams and Naomi Osaka against each other during Black History Month. “We expected tournament organizers to make efforts to lift up all Black women instead of tearing one of them down,” said WTA Tour fan Cheryl Landry, reprimanding the major championship for deciding against celebrating both Williams and Osaka. “We have two worthy champions here, and instead of crowning them both, we’re casting them against each other. It’s just a shame. Young girls are going to see this and watch one of their icons lose—it could be potentially traumatizing.” At press time, the Australian Open responded to criticism by opting to play the remaining tournament matches at Arthur Ashe stadium in New York. 
Frightened LeBron James Contemplates Retirement After Catching Glimpse Of 80-Year-Old Self In Backboard Reflection #~# LOS ANGELES—Shaken by the mysterious glimpse into his own looming mortality, LeBron James contemplated retirement Wednesday after catching a glimpse of his 80-year-old self in the backboard’s reflection. “Oh God, what was that? What will become of me?” said the visibly disturbed 36-year-old, who expressed dismay over what appeared to be a weathered, cracked face that suggests he could be chasing rings on third-rate contenders well into his golden years. “What are they trying to tell me? And what about my family? I didn’t see them in the reflection—are they gonna be okay? I can’t play this game forever. I swear I can change—I must change.” At press time, a panicked James was desperately attempting to escape an unending locker-room tunnel.
The Onion’s Guide To Clubhouse #~# Clubhouse, an invite-only audio app, has recently been the subject of both praise and scrutiny. The Onion takes a deep dive into the biggest questions surrounding the new app.
Orioles Concerned After Multiple Players Arrive At Spring Training In Way Too Good Of Shape For Baseball #~# SARASOTA, FL—Suspiciously scanning their social media profiles and contacting agents to look for any signs of discontent, the Baltimore Orioles management was reportedly concerned Tuesday after multiple players showed up to the first day of spring training in way too good of shape for baseball. “What are they up to? Are they planning to quit and go play tennis or basketball or something?” said manager Brandon Hyde, watching shortstop Ryan Mountcastle sprint between bases and snatch a line drive out of the air without so much as breaking a sweat. “They must be gunning for a trade to another team. Anthony [Santander] looks like he lost 15 pounds. He looks more like a cornerback than an outfielder. Ugh, I can’t believe he showed up just completely jacked. We clearly have to do something about morale, or we are gonna lose half our team to La Liga.” At press time Hyde was issuing an order that every in-shape Orioles player put on 30 pounds of flab by opening day or risk being fined.
‘You Go Back Where You Came From,’ Says Texan Pointing Gun At Snowman Trespassing On Property #~# HALLSVILLE, TX—As he aimed his Winchester rifle at the stack of three large snowballs in his front yard, Texas man Bob Brookson was overheard notifying a snowman Tuesday that it was trespassing on private property and needed to go back to wherever it had come from. “Now, listen here, boy, I don’t want no trouble, so you best go on and git before I put a .38-caliber hole in that big smiley head of yours,” said Brookson, cocking the gun while he explained to the frozen figure  that its kind was not welcome around there and that he would be well within his rights should he choose to neutralize the threat to his home. “You come one step closer, and you’re done for, you hear me? Huh? Say, you dumb or sum’n, boy? I don’t appreciate you starin’ at me, neither, you stonyeyed sonofabitch.” After it failed to respond to several warning shots, Brookson reportedly noticed the snowman was wearing his 7-year-old daughter’s scarf and immediately fired multiple rounds into the head and chest of the “thievin’ coward.” 
Breaking: Stop That Man! #~# LOS ANGELES—In a late-breaking development currently throwing the entire street into a tizzy, sources confirmed Tuesday that someone needs to stop that man. “ Police! Anybody—he’s getting away,” said witness Lisa Oh, noting that the horrid man was rapidly disappearing down the block and would soon be out of sight. “Help! Help! Won’t someone do something? He’s got my purse!” At press time, a good samaritan had pursued the robber over a chain link fence, chased him through a group of fruit carts, and ultimately lost him in a passing parade. 
Historians Reveal Terra-Cotta Army Result Of Perfectionist Sculptor Screwing Up Soldier Statue Thousands Of Times #~# XI’AN, CHINA—Characterizing the third-century B.C. collection as not a tomb but an artist’s personal scrap heap, a team of historians confirmed Tuesday that the famed Terra-Cotta Army was the result of a perfectionist sculptor fucking up a single soldier statue thousands of times in an attempt to get it right. “The more than 8,000 warrior sculptures contained within these excavated pits may appear extraordinary to us, but to the sculptor, every last one of them was a catastrophic failure that had to be disposed of so he could start again from scratch,” said art historian Li Xijian of Baoji University, who added that at the sight of the smallest imperfection in a carved figure’s face, clothing, or stance, the artist would throw a fit and cast it aside, demanding a fresh slab of clay to work with. “It appears he would become so enraged, he would pick up the life-size representations, toss them into one of the pits, and bury them deep beneath the soil, hoping they would never be seen again. We can only assume the artist would be horrified to know his garbage pile is now a UNESCO World Heritage site visited by more than a million tourists each year.” Li went on to observe that the clay soldiers missing heads and limbs were not the victims of natural disasters or vandalism over the past 2,200 years, but rather instances in which the artist grew so frustrated he physically attacked his own creations. 
Instagram Bans Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Over Vaccine Misinformation #~# Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been blocked from Instagram for repeatedly sharing false information about the coronavirus and its vaccine as well as spreading conspiracy theories about Bill Gates and the world food supply. What do you think?
Something About The Way Society Was Exposed As Complete Illusion Over Past Year Really Getting Man Down Today #~# VANCOUVER, WA—Unable to shake off an overall negative feeling he couldn’t attribute to anything in particular, local man Paul Carpenter confirmed Monday that something about the way society was exposed as a complete illusion over the past year was really getting him down today. “Maybe it’s just quarantine talking, but the reality dawning on me that American life is a fundamentally hollow cesspool of spectacle and misery is really bumming me out lately,” said Carpenter, adding that he had the vague idea that living in a social system based on brutal competition that made all human relationships transactional and perverted the very idea of community might have something to do with it. “I can’t put my finger on it, but maybe I’m just really tired of the coronavirus pandemic, which wasn’t mishandled as some people say but in fact shown to be rationally handled by a group of insulated wealthy individuals who can pursue their greedy desires with the full knowledge that a vast percentage of Americans are economically superfluous and thus willing to fight among themselves for scraps? On the other hand, though, maybe it’s the stress of a news cycle in which people from both political parties are invested in a series of increasingly baroque conspiracy theories guided by the grotesque and increasingly obvious lies we tell ourselves about American exceptionalism that’s making me feel kind of sad. There’s just this nagging feeling I have that it became very clear over the past 12 months that the basic building blocks of society are crumbling and there is absolutely no plan for changing anything at any level to avoid plunging the vast majority of humanity into cycles of ever-worsening suffering and violence. Maybe it’s just that being fundamentally powerless and living among other similarly disenfranchised, surveilled, and downtrodden people have made me feel completely alienated from any kind of community at all, or maybe I just need to get more sleep.” Carpenter added that he did plan to address the way he’d been feeling lately, perhaps by tuning out of the news and letting other people who weren’t ever even afforded the option to believe in the illusions of American society figure out what to do, or by trying to exercise more.
Employees On Zoom Call Watch In Horror As 2 Coworkers Who Began Talking At The Same Time Just Keep Powering Through #~# BOSTON, MA—Eyes darting across the chat window as they strained to divide their attention between the speakers, Certech Consulting employees reportedly watched in horror during a Monday morning video meeting as two coworkers who began talking at the same time just kept powering through. “Oh God, it’s been too long for one of them to give up—these lunatics are really going full steam ahead until they’ve said their piece,” said junior analyst Olivia Thompson,  her eyes widening in stunned disbelief as her fellow employees played a high-stake game of chicken in front  of rest of the video chatroom. “It’s not even clear what Teddy is saying, but he definitely knows someone else is talking. And the crazy thing is neither of them even seem to care. Jesus Christ, what are we supposed to do? How long can this madness go on?” At press time, the rest of the staff was white-knuckling it through the meeting after a third employee loudly chimed in to add his thoughts despite the others showing no signs of slowing down.
Police Union Honors Law Enforcement Officers Injured Carrying Out Capitol Attack #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to recognize the brave sacrifices they made during the Jan. 6 riot, the New York City Police Benevolent Association reportedly honored Monday those law enforcement officers who were injured carrying out the Capitol attack. “When we reflect on the events of that day, let us not forget the scores of brave officers who didn’t hesitate when it came time to break windows, rush into the Capitol building, and threaten the lives of senators and staff,” said NYC BPA spokesman Shawn Douglas, adding that the union had already raised over $200,000 to help officers recovering from injuries sustained while fighting their way into the Capitol. “These our are nation’s finest, and they did what any officer would do. They used their training to help create a dangerous situation, then acted courageously to ratchet up the heat of the moment, and swiftly roamed the halls of Congress looking for people to attack. We also want to acknowledge those among us who are military veterans, and have continued to step up to perpetrate attacks here on American soil. We are in your debt.” Police union representatives also announced plans to honor those law enforcement officers who were suffering from post-traumatic stress from not making it over to join the riot in time.
Happy Birthday Text To Mom Spirals Into Whole Conversation #~# SAN RAFAEL, CA—Sighing and shaking her head as speech bubbles rapidly popped up on her messaging app, 32-year-old Clarissa Johnston told reporters Monday that a happy birthday text to her mother had spiraled into a whole conversation. “All I wanted was to tell her to have a great day, but now it’s snowballed out of control with all this ‘Hi, how are you?,’ and ‘What are you doing?’” said Johnson, adding that she never would have initiated if she’d known a simple text would have exploded into a five-message chain, several heart emojis, and a promise to catch up sometime soon over the phone. “Yeesh. Just a simple ‘thank you’ would have been perfect, but now this whole ‘being in communication with my family thing’ has taken on a life of its own. Looking back, I should have known this was a disaster waiting to happen based on how excited she was to hear from me on Christmas.” Johnston added that she wouldn’t make this mistake again, and promised that when it was her birthday, she would simply get in, get out, and not make talking with her mother a whole “thing.”
Timeline Of Britney Spears’ Career #~# The release of Framing Britney Spears, a documentary about the music icon’s experience in a conservatorship, has caused many to reexamine her career and its coverage by the media. The Onion looks at key moments in Britney Spears’ career.
Lindsey Graham Hisses Directions At Attorneys Messing Up Speech They Spent Hours Rehearsing #~# WASHINGTON—Appearing to lose patience as the defense presented its arguments in President Trump’s impeachment trial Friday, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was repeatedly overheard hissing directions at lawyers as they messed up the speeches he spent hours rehearsing with them the night before. “Come on now, big smile, project your voice like we practiced—no, no, no, what are you doing?” Graham said through his teeth as David Schoen, Michael T. van der Veen, and other members of Trump’s legal team continued to botch the written defense he had coached them through late last night and into the early morning. “The timing, the tone, the gestures we worked on? Did you assholes remember none of it? It’s ‘The former president’s rhetoric is protected under the First Amendment,’ and then you do the long, pregnant pause for dramatic effect. Now sell it, you fucking halfwits!” Sources reported that as defense arguments concluded, a visibly tense Graham jumped up from his chair, applauded wildly, and stared daggers into his Republican colleagues until they, too, stood and joined his ovation.
Shaq Assures NBA Players His Baseless Cheap Shots Come From A Good Place #~# ATLANTA—Tempering his criticism of modern-day stars like Donovan Mitchell, Shaquille O’Neal reassured NBA players Friday that his baseless cheap shots always come from a good place. “I want guys to know if I ever call you a ‘grimy stain on the game of basketball,’ I’m only trying to motivate you,” said O’Neal during a taping of Inside The NBA, insisting that it was never his intention to diminish the NBA’s product by calling this generation of players soft, talentless little babies. “Every single one of these needless attacks comes from the heart. I mean well when I say you have no right to be in the league. You have to understand that this is coming from a former player—I know how hard it is to deal with spiteful bullshit like this.” At press time, Shaq apologized for telling Donovan Mitchell he wasn’t a superstar, clarifying that “no active player is a superstar.”
Tokyo 2020 Olympics President Resigns Following Sexist Comments #~# Yoshiro Mori, the president of the Tokyo 2020 Olympics, will step down from his position after remarks he made about women during a board of trustees meeting were leaked to the public last week. What do you think?
‘We Must Act Now To Save Our Civilization,’ Says Melting King Of Glacieria During U.N. Address #~# NEW YORK—In an address Friday in which he urged immediate action to prevent his entire civilization from breaking apart, the melting king of Glacieria pleaded with members of the U.N. General Assembly to intensify their efforts to combat climate change. “Along every ice shelf, we watch as our whole way of life collapses,” said King Polarius III, sovereign ruler of Glacieria, who dripped copiously upon the lectern as he lamented the wet, slushy world the fledgling ice floes of his country would inherit. “In Glacieria, we have a saying: ‘One small snowflake can turn into an avalanche,’ and I believe that is what’s happening with global warming. I have spoken to Emperor Penguin, as well as the mayor of Iceburgh and emissaries from the Frostonian Republic. They all agree we must act now to solidify our prospects of survival. If we cannot freeze together, then we will, all of us, thaw together.” At press time, sources confirmed the king of Glaceria had made one last dying plea for common-sense energy policies before disintegrating into a puddle.
OSHA Announces Revamped Forklift Certification Will Feature Halfpipe Portion #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the update “long overdue,” the Occupational Safety and Health Administration announced Friday that the agency had revamped the forklift certification process to feature a halfpipe portion. “We want to ensure that all forklift operators are able to safely perform cool kickflips, heelflips, tail stalls, and fakies,” said acting administrator Jim Frederick, who explained that all OSHA-compliant courses would now require students to pass a  test demonstrating their ability to shred on 22-foot-high ramps. “With workplace accidents on the rise, we believe it’s more important than ever that operators know how to ollie and when to bail. Forklift operators will be judged on speed as well as style. These new measures may seem tough, but remember, we don’t want anyone ending up in a slam compilation.” At press time, Frederick added all companies that failed to comply with the new halfpipe requirements would be reported to Red Bull.
Yellow Lobster Caught Off Coast Of Maine #~# An extremely rare yellow lobster caught along the Maine coast has been donated to the University of New England, which has named the unique crustacean “Banana.” What do you think?
Doughnut Shop Owned By Shaquille O’Neal Burns Down #~# An Atlanta Krispy Kreme doughnut shop belonging to Shaquille O’Neal, who also acts as a spokesperson for the franchise, was heavily damaged in a fire Wednesday morning. What do you think?
Jesus Fucking Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity #~# Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Gamers, this is bad. This is really bad. We don’t know how this happened exactly, but we were just playing a game of Super Mario Party a few minutes ago when Mario and Yoshi used a warp box at the same time and...dear God—emerged onto the board as a horrifying, fused monstrosity.
LaVar Ball Claims LaMelo Unhappy About Being Left Off NBA’s Top-50 All-Time Team #~# CHINO HILLS, CA—Saying that the rookie point guard has more than earned the opportunity, LaVar Ball claimed Thursday that his son, LaMelo, was unhappy about being left off the NBA’s 50 Greatest Players Of All Time list. “He’d never say it to his coaches or teammates, but I know my son thinks he deserved to be on that list of all-time greats,” said Ball during an Instagram Live stream, insisting that LaMelo has already clearly surpassed John Stockton’s accomplishments during his first year in the league. “When I look at that top-50 list, I just see a bunch of bums. Why should a 10-time All-Star like Clyde Drexler be ranked over Melo when they’re practically averaging the same numbers? We tried to give it some time because it’s still early in the season, but he knows that he should be on this list by now. My kids aren’t role players, okay? You can’t seriously believe a guy like Oscar Robertson could guard my son.” At press time, Ball told reporters that “if things don’t change” he might be forced to push for  LaMelo to be traded to a different league. 
Experts Warn Uptick In Celebrity Boxing A Sign Nation Still Not Ready To Process Last Four Years #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling the trend a disturbing symptom of underlying systemic issues, experts at the UCLA Center Of Media Studies warned the nation Friday that the recent uptick in celebrity boxing matches was a sign that we are still not ready to process the last four years. “When we see something like the Jake Paul-Nate Robinson match, that is a clear sign of a society in distress and unable to cope with trauma,” said head researcher Vanessa Huerta, who claimed that the recent announcement of Lamar Odom’s matchup with child star Aaron Carter does not bode well for the prospect of a calm 2024 election or the future of democracy in general. “We have deep divisions in this country, but instead of facing them head on, we would rather watch celebrities punch each other in the face. Jose Canseco and Barstool Sports? That is nothing more than income inequality and racial tension. These are telltale signs of denial. You saw the same thing in Russia before the revolution.” Huerta ended her announcement by calling on Congress to act now before the country descended into a Mike Tyson vs. Post Malone–level disaster.
Buccaneers Celebrate Super Bowl Victory With Boat Parade #~# The Tampa Bay Buccaneers celebrated their Super Bowl LV win over the Kansas City Chiefs on Wednesday with a boat parade along the Hillsborough River. What do you think?
Tim Cook Unveils Rows Of Artificial Wombs After Announcing Apple Will Begin Manufacturing Own Employees In House #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the innovation as the next step in developing the workplace of the future, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled rows of artificial wombs to reporters Thursday after announcing the company would begin manufacturing all its own employees in house. “Utilizing proprietary embryonic technologies and astounding new developments in the area of synthetic genomics, we expect to have upward of 95% of Apple’s employees across the entire supply chain gestated, produced, and trained right here at home,” said Cook, showing reporters around the 70,000-square-foot underground artificial incubation center where thousands of developing Apple employee fetuses floated in highly oxygenated blood. “We’ll be able to eliminate virtually all of our inefficiencies and redundancies with this in-house workforce, as all of their physical and mental characteristics will be streamlined specifically toward their future role here at Apple, and any physical or intelligence complications simply removed. For example, this row right here are having their salience and executive brain networks fine-tuned so they can be raised to become our product designers, and these ones over here who will actually assemble our products are being bred to eliminate the need for sleep. Unlike conventional employees, however, these Apple-specific workers will be able to begin performing their job functions within just 18 months of initial fertilization. This environmentally friendly move, which eliminates the need for employees to commute, eat, or produce waste, creates a fully customizable workforce that is economically sustainable and enables us  to be more responsive to changing trends. It’ll also allow me to live forever in an endless sequence of clones, which will help maintain consistency for our investors.” Cook also showed reporters a facility testing the development of employees partially constructed of essential device components like lithium and cobalt, in hopes that one day Apple would eliminate purchasing materials entirely by producing employees who harvested themselves.
Ted Cruz Deeply Disturbed By Part Of Capitol Riot Video Where Chuck Schumer Not Beaten To Death #~# WASHINGTON—Squeezing his eyes shut in response to the harrowing Capitol riot footage, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was reportedly deeply disturbed Thursday by the part of the video where Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer was not beaten to death. “Oh God, no, he’s going to escape—I can’t look!” said Cruz, who was beyond horrified as he watched the video showing Schumer and his security detail fleeing down a hallway after coming within just yards of the conservative mob. “Why don’t they just turn it off? This is awful. We already know where this is leading, which is Chuck Schumer not dying. No one should have to relive that horrible day. The part where he gets to the other side of the door safely makes me sick every time. Honestly, I might throw up.” At press time, Cruz had left the Senate chamber to catch his breath in the rotunda after getting to the part of the footage where the rioters didn’t parade Schumer’s lifeless body around on their shoulders.
Biggest Games Of Winter 2021 #~# Persona 5 Strikers: You probably thought you’d get to play a different game after you finished Persona 5 Royal, didn’t you? Listen: You’re going to be playing Persona 5 until the day you die. Whether you make peace with that or let it destroy you is the only part of this you control. 
Senators Overjoyed By Chihuahua Jumping Through Hoops During Impeachment Intermission #~# WASHINGTON—Cheering as the small, brown chihuahua triumphantly jumped through hoops placed throughout the Capitol chamber, senators were reportedly overjoyed Thursday when traveling act “The Amazing Nacho & Friends” performed acrobatics stunts during the impeachment intermission. The show, which took place after Senator Patrick Leahy called for a short 30-minute recess, reportedly began as the lights dimmed, pump-up music played, and the trainer and her 9-pound dogs triumphantly donned capes and rode scooters out to a series of platforms at the center of the gallery. According to witnesses, Democrats and Republicans could be spotted laughing and recording videos on their phones while Nacho then performed a series of tricks where he balanced on balls, caught high-flying Frisbees, and even jumped on top of Senator Chuck Schumer’s head to retrieve a treat. At press time, the pro tempore could be heard banging his gavel to restart the impeachment proceedings after Nacho became distracted, lunged from his owner, and started biting and humping the legs of several lawmakers.
End Of An Era: Sony Just Announced They’re Stopping Production Of The PS5 #~# Get ready to experience a roller coaster of emotions, Sony diehards. In a press conference early Thursday morning, the Japanese console maker ushered in the end of an era with the bittersweet announcement that they will stop production of the PlayStation 5.
Mississippi Town Offering Stipend For Remote Workers To Move In #~# The city of Natchez, MS is offering $2,500 in moving expenses and a monthly $300 stipend to remote workers willing to purchase a house and live in the town for one year. What do you think?
Utah School Drops Plans To Let Students Opt Out Of Black History Month #~# A Montessori school in Utah has walked back plans to allow parents to exempt their children from learning a Black History Month curriculum following national public backlash. What do you think?
Larry Flynt Promises To Make God Famous With Nude Photo Shoot #~# THE HEAVENS—Telling Him to drop His robe and show everyone what He was working with, the late pornographer and First Amendment crusader Larry Flynt promised God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, that an explicit nude photo shoot would make him a star, sources from on high reported Thursday. “Don’t be nervous, big guy—just bend over and the whole world will love You,” said the former Hustler publisher, offering the Creator of All Things a glass of communion wine to help ease His nerves. “Say, can we get some angels in here? We can put one of those halos on Your cock. And let’s get You together with the Holy Ghost and Your son for a threesome. I know it’s dirty, but that’s what folks want nowadays. The people shall know Thy name, just You wait.” At press time, reports confirmed worldwide church attendance had increased tenfold in the wake of the photos’ release. 
Timeline Of U.S. Involvement In Yemen #~# President Biden announced this week that the U.S. will end support for the war in Yemen, although the complex nature of the conflict and America’s involvement leave many questions unanswered. The Onion looks at a timeline of America’s involvement in Yemen.
Andrew Yang Leading NYC Mayoral Race After Flipping Off Residents And Telling Them To Suck His Dick #~# NEW YORK—According to a new poll released Wednesday, Andrew Yang was reportedly leading the New York City mayoral race after flipping off residents and telling them to suck his dick. “I believe that every New Yorker, regardless of who you are or where you live, has the right to suck on these fat nuts,” said Yang, who took a commanding double-digit lead across all demographics just hours after grabbing his crotch and performing a thrusting gesture during an official live-streamed campaign event. “I’m running for mayor because fuck you! Fuck you, Manhattan! Fuck you, Brooklyn! Fuck you, Staten Island! Fuck you,  Bronx! Fuck you, Queens! All 8.4 million of you can eat my fucking asshole, you stupid fucking pricks. As your mayor, I promise you can wrap your lips around this monster hog!” At press time, Yang’s lead had grown even wider after the candidate began humping the camera.
Boyfriend Upset About Something American Government Did In 1970s #~# CLEVELAND—As he paced around the apartment muttering about the military-industrial complex and nefarious Cold War policy initiatives, sources confirmed Wednesday that local boyfriend Kyle Palmer was upset about something the U.S. government did in the 1970s. “He’s completely incensed, going on and on about how the CIA committed crimes against humanity with an operation called Project something or other—I’m honestly not sure,” said girlfriend Kathleen Durham, adding that while Palmer appeared to want to explain to her what he was so mad about, he also seemed angry that she didn’t already know. “I think it was in Latin America? Or maybe Afghanistan? I don’t doubt it was horrendous, and seeing how angry he is, I want to be supportive. But there’s not much I can do about half-century-old atrocities. I’ve tried changing the subject, but even a topic as innocuous as whether we should order Thai food or pick up dinner from the falafel place will send him off on another tangent about some disastrous and unconscionable thing Henry Kissinger did.” At press time, Palmer had reportedly punched a wall after Durham said she thought perhaps President Carter had tried his hardest when dealing with the shah of Iran.
Health Experts Recommend Against Getting Zapped By Any Sort Of Futuristic Space Gun #~# ATLANTA—Urging the public in the strongest possible terms to avoid the hypothetical armaments, health officials across the country issued a statement Tuesday warning against getting zapped by any sort of futuristic space gun. “We recommend that Americans do everything in their power to prevent being hit by any colorful ray emitted from a bulbous silver firearm, possibly held by an alien bounty hunter or a cybertronic prison warden, in the event that such technology ever exists,” said CDC spokesperson Tracy Armstrong, confirming that these dangerous devices would probably be able to freeze, melt, shrink, or ignite victims in less than a second and were likely impervious to any conventional weaponry currently known to humankind. “In the event that you do find yourself zapped by a space gun, you should immediately attempt to locate some sort of temporal blaster that can transport you back in time to before the original zapping occurred, though we recommend exercising extreme caution in this case due to the potential for causing a rip in space-time.” Armstrong added that Americans could help take preventative measures against this eventual crisis by ingesting nootropic super-pills to bolster their fighting skills and telekinetic abilities.
Flustered Donald Trump Confesses He Only Murdered Mistress Because He Loved Her #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Breaking down under pressure while watching the Senate trial on television, a flustered Donald Trump reportedly confessed Wednesday that he only murdered his mistress because he loved her. “Alright, alright, I did it—but only because I was scared she was going to leave me,” said Trump, who delivered the confession completely unprompted before a team of startled aides during a meeting at his Mar-a-Lago estate. “I panicked, okay? I loved her so much, and I didn’t want to hurt her. I just knew we would never be happy apart. One moment I had my hands around her neck, and the next Suzette was dead in my arms. I barely remember what happened. It was like a switch flipped and I blacked out. I spent an hour holding her lifeless body and caressing her hair. Is it a crime to be in love? To love too much!?” At press time, the former president was on his knees screaming that Suzette wouldn’t want him to be locked away. 
Trump Attorneys Argue He Spoke Metaphorically Of Ripping Chamber Doors Off Hinges, Crushing Pelosi’s Skull #~# WASHINGTON—Donald Trump’s attorneys argued Wednesday that the former president spoke metaphorically on Jan. 6 before the Capitol riots while telling supporters to rip the chamber doors off of their hinges and crush Nancy Pelosi’s skull. “While addressing the crowd on the National Mall, Donald Trump was only speaking figuratively when he mentioned tearing down the Capitol gates, dragging legislators by their hair, and ripping members of our government limb from limb,” said impeachment lawyer David Schoen, adding that Democrats had since twisted Trump’s clearly ironic words demanding his followers to “let fresh, hot blood flow through the halls of government.” “The real truth is that the rioters who breached the Capitol did so on their own accord, not because Donald Trump told them to bring him Pelosi, Schumer, and anyone else who dared to resist. Politicians routinely symbolically call for their opponents’ heads to be mounted on pikes on the White House lawn, and people know exactly what that means.” At press time, Schoen added that Trump’s repeated claims of election fraud were actually just his unique way of advocating for a peaceful transition of power.
Botched Autopsy Brings Murder Victim Back To Life #~# SANTA MARIA, CA—Leaving local community members shocked and heartbroken, a botched autopsy performed at Marian Regional Medical Center Wednesday had reportedly brought a murder victim back to life. “I realized his heart had started beating, and I knew I had made a terrible mistake,” said pathologist Dr. Kenneth Lepp, who expressed deep remorse as he described how the routine autopsy had gone completely off the rails. “I failed, and I acknowledge that it’s my fault this person is alive. I’m so sorry. I promise I did everything I could to stop it. I tried to reduce his oxygen levels, drain his blood, cut off his head—but nothing worked. I accept the fact this will probably cost me my license. And, of course, eventually I’ll have to face the patient’s family. I know they’re furious.” At press time, Dr. Lepp had added that although he wasn’t exactly sure how it happened, he vowed he would do everything in his power to make sure it never happened again.
Report: If It Weren’t For Covid, You’d Be On A Carousel Right Now #~# NEW YORK—According to a new report issued Tuesday by the United Nations Development Programme, were it not for the Covid-19 pandemic, you would be enjoying a pleasant, carefree ride on a carousel right now. “We found irrefutable evidence that in a hypothetical scenario in which the coronavirus outbreak has never occurred, a gentle breeze blows through your hair, the smell of freshly popped popcorn wafts through a park, you’re seated on a beautiful historic merry-go-round, and you’re truly, truly happy,” read the report, which clarified that regardless of where you are or what you are currently doing, if the world hadn’t been ravaged by a disease that has so far killed 2.3 million people, you would instead be waving down from the carnival ride at a gathering of all your cherished loved ones. “Our research suggests brightly colored lights would dance off the carousel’s rotating mirrors, delighting you with their enchanting, playful reflections. A calliope would pipe out “The Sidewalks Of New York” as you licked an ice cream cone, feeling weightless atop a blue-maned wooden stallion, or, if you were feeling adventurous, a ferocious lion. Had it not been for Covid, you’d be there this very minute, and your only problem in the world would be choosing which magnificent steed to ride next.” The report went on to conclude that you would ride and ride all day and all night, and no one would ever make you stop.
Patrick Mahomes: ‘This Loss Will Motivate Me To Appreciate What’s Actually Meaningful In Life’ #~# KANSAS CITY—Vowing to turn the heartbreaking Super Bowl defeat into something productive, Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes told sources Tuesday that he is using this loss as motivation to start appreciating what is actually important in life. “This is really going to light a fire under my ass to kick back, enjoy good food with friends, and spend time with my family,” said Mahomes, who claims he’s already gotten a head start on the upcoming season by texting his teammates about starting a book club together. “Seeing Brady celebrate his seventh Super Bowl right in front of me has just given me this hunger to start learning how to bake or take a woodworking class  instead of wasting my time pursuing meaningless public adulation. I’m going to be up late every night enjoying my favorite classic movies with my fiancée and drinking some nice cocktails.” Mahomes added that with the renewed focus and commitment this loss has brought, he could fulfill his dreams to be out of the league completely by the time he is 30.
GOP Senators Argue It’s Unconstitutional To Be Forced To Work On A Tuesday #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that the proceedings violated clear principles handed down by the Founding Fathers, GOP senators took to the chamber floor in the lead-up to former President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial to argue that it is unconstitutional to be forced to work on a Tuesday. “We would urge our esteemed colleagues to recall that the Bill of Rights was specifically formulated to guarantee our right to kick back and relax on a Tuesday,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, urging the immediate postponement of the trial until a date in which all participants had availed themselves of their legally protected rights to get their “batteries recharged” through a little quality rest and relaxation. “The Framers’ intent is clear: After a tough Monday, it’s important that Americans can decompress, sleep in, and take a nice little siesta before the midweek slump, The fact that Democrats are choosing to politicize this and drag us in on a beautiful Tuesday is frankly unconscionable.” McConnell went on to ask for an adjournment of the trial after contending that many Democrats had defied crucial precedents forbidding them from speaking to him before he had his coffee.
‘New England Journal Of Teen Medicine’ Retracts Flawed Study Positing You Can’t Get Pregnant The First Time #~# WALTHAM, MA—Apologizing for what it described as a regrettable lapse in editorial judgment, The New England Journal Of Teen Medicine retracted a flawed study Tuesday that had put forward evidence suggesting it was impossible to get pregnant the first time you had sex. “We conducted a formal review of the study after we encountered conflicting data, including reports about our cousin’s friend Haley, who apparently got pregnant the same night she lost her virginity,” said editor-in-chief Tyler Koutsis, 15, acknowledging that the paper, “The Effect Of Cherry-Popping On Human Fertility,” did not meet the rigorous scientific and academic standards of the esteemed adolescent medical journal. “Also, we heard about this girl at Watertown High who got knocked up the first time she let her boyfriend do anything more than just stick the tip in. While there is no excuse for this failure of due diligence on our part, we did have reason to be confident in the study’s authors, these two guys who are sophomores and told us they got laid all the time and knew everything about it.” Koutsis went on to assure the public that despite the retraction, the journal firmly stood behind a paper by the same authors about the positive effect of pineapple consumption on the taste of semen.
Christopher Nolan Still No Closer To Understanding End Of ‘Tenet’ After Watching Dozens Of YouTube Explainer Videos #~# LOS ANGELES—Visibly exhausted from his hours-long binge, Christopher Nolan was reportedly still no closer to understanding the end of Tenet Tuesday after watching dozens of YouTube explainer videos. “Wait, so what the hell was that turnstile thingy?” said Nolan, pausing a 35-minute long video and rubbing his eyes as he compared the elaborate diagram on screen to the copy he had scrawled down on a napkin in front of him.  “It’s like some kind of time machine? That lets the nameless man run backward? And Robert Pattinson is a little boy? Either I’m stupid, or this plot makes no sense. I’ve watched, like, nine videos on the temporal pincer alone, and I still can’t make heads or tails of it. Jesus Christ, this is so convoluted. It’s almost worse than Inception.” At press time, Nolan admitted that The Prestige was the last one of his movies that he had really understood.
Wallet Lost In Antarctica Returned 53 Years Later #~# Paul Grisham, 91, has been reunited with the wallet he lost while working as a U.S. Navy meteorologist in Antarctica in 1967 after it was discovered hidden behind a locker at McMurdo Station. What do you think?
Media Claims Britney Spears Well Enough To Be Released Back Into Their Sole Custody #~# LOS ANGELES—Stating that the pop star had made great strides in managing her mental health, the nation’s media outlets reported Monday that Britney Spears was well enough to be released back into their sole custody. “We think the singer has achieved a level of mental fitness to once again be placed completely in the care of the press,” said TMZ host Harvey Levin, echoing thousands of entertainment journalists and paparazzi across the country who declared the iconic singer completely recovered from the highly publicized mental breakdown 12 years ago that led to her conservatorship and was now ready to be placed back under their full supervision. “She’s really turned a corner and what’s best for her at this point in her recuperation is to have her under our control. Having known Britney since she was just a kid, we are the best people to look after her every single day with absolutely no break.” Members of the media added that they were also open to a joint custody agreement where the courts could return her to a conservatorship once they drove her into hitting rock bottom again.
Romantic Experts Recommend Spending 3 Months’ Salary On Valentine’s Teddy Bear #~# BOSTON—Calling it one of the most meaningful purchases a person ever makes, romance etiquette experts told reporters Monday that it was customary to spend the equivalent of three months’ salary on a Valentine’s Day teddy bear for one’s significant other. “If you’re serious about asking someone to be your Valentine, then you should be willing to set aside approximately 25% of your gross annual income to pay for the bear they’ve always dreamed of,” said relationship coach Madeline Kirby, adding that while the purchase of an opulent stuffed animal might seem like an outdated tradition, the average American would still spend $10,000 to $50,000 on a bear for the big day this year. “Teddy bears remain an eternal symbol of one’s affection, so don’t settle for any old ball of fuzz holding a heart that says ‘I love you.’ At the very least, you should get one that wears a little hat and jacket and, when a drawstring is pulled, turns its head side to side, blinks, and recites a prerecorded message indicating the sincerity of your devotion. We also recommend hiring a third-party appraiser to evaluate the bear before finalizing a payment of six figures or more.” Kirby added that a person unwilling to buy such a gift for the “bear-y special person” in their life should stop to consider whether they are in the right relationship.
Onlookers Realize Beauty Of Love Again After Seeing Dead-Eyed Man Swiping Right On Every Tinder Profile #~# CHICAGO—Wiping tears of joy from their eyes while describing an emotional early-morning commute, onlookers told reporters Monday that they’d realized the beauty of love again after seeing a dead-eyed man swiping right on every Tinder profile. “I don’t know if it was the way he was blowing through women without even reading their bios, or indiscriminately trying to match with everyone he saw, but...suddenly, I believe in love again,” said bus passenger Camille Jeffries, who added that her heart swelled as she watched the man next to her open up Tinder, Super Like five random profiles in a row, and then increase his distance range from 10 to 20 miles. “Look, I’m no hopeless romantic, but when he clicked on his messages and then copied and pasted the phrase ‘Hey, how are you?’ to dozens of new matches, something deep inside me changed. And then, he closed out of Tinder, and opened up Bumble, Hinge, and OkCupid and did the same thing? Maybe there really is someone out there for all of us.” At press time, several onlookers added that while they were skeptical at first, they felt hope when they saw the man sending several women a photo of his penis.
Man Hoping To Turn $250 Super Bowl Winnings Into All Encompassing Hunger That Will Ruin His Entire Life #~# LACONIA, NH—Riding high off the casual bet he placed on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, local man Josh Hibbert confirmed Monday that he was hoping to turn his $250 Super Bowl winnings into an all-encompassing hunger that would ruin his entire life. “This was a nice, surprising little windfall, and I think it would be fun to let this slowly spiral out of control for the next two decades,” said Hibbert, noting that he was not even a huge football fan and had just placed the bet because a friend of his playfully pushed him into it. “Maybe I can throw down part of my winnings on an NBA game, and then turn that into a thousand-dollar bet in the finals. It just made watching the game more fun, and with this as a foundation, I could be taking out a second mortgage for next year’s Super Bowl. It’s all basically found money, right?” At press time, Hibbert’s excited friends were bringing him into their sports bet group chat to share tips.
Buccaneers Win Super Bowl LV #~# The Tampa Bay Buccaneers won Super Bowl LV on Sunday, with a final score of 31 to 9 against the Kansas City Chiefs. What do you think?
City’s Outdoor Dining Solutions Slowly Advancing Beyond Rest Of Civilization #~# NEW YORK—Noting that the structures along the city’s sidewalks had adopted technology that appeared to come from at least 200 years in the future, local restaurant patrons observed Monday that outdoor dining solutions were now the most technologically advanced aspect of human civilization. “Since autumn, patio service has progressed from mere heat lamps to a pop-up tent over your table to a fully sterilized, negative-pressure geodesic dome that glows gently as it hovers 20 feet above the sidewalk,” said Brooklyn resident Sarah Lefferts, who added that she still enjoyed stopping by her neighborhood coffee shop, where her daily cappuccino and scone now materialize before her as she floats freely in a zero-gravity dining chamber for one. “It’s amazing. Each morning, my server, who is a beam of light, bathes me in virus-inactivating gamma particles before I place my order. Sure, you’re in an enclosed space, which isn’t great for a disease like Covid that can spread through the air, but pretty soon every bar and café will have the technology to clone and replace all their customers who die from the virus.” Lefferts went on to state that restaurants’ outdoor heating solutions had also advanced far beyond the rest of civilization, and were now capable of launching diners directly into the sun.
Judge Real Stickler About Biological Weapons Anti-Terrorism Act Of 1989 #~# NEW YORK—Grumbling over the federal official’s nitpicking behavior, sources told reporters Monday that local judge Galen Salerno was a real stickler about the Biological Weapons Anti-Terrorism Act Of 1989. “Jeez, this guy’s really putting on a big show about weapons of mass destruction,” said 29-year-old defendant Ivan Dietrich, who rolled his eyes while recounting how the judge had chewed him out in front of the entire courtroom simply for crossing the U.S. border with 300 grams of ricin in his truck. “Like, come on, I’m a first-time offender. Chill, man. He totally has his panties in a bunch over nothing. And you should’ve seen his face when the ammonium nitrate came up. ‘Blah, blah, blah, dozens injured, blah, blah, blah, the Anti-Terrorism And Effective Death Penalty Act Of 1996.’ Talk about performative outrage.” At press time, Dietrich added he just hoped the judge wouldn’t completely fly off the handle when he detonated the bomb strapped to his chest in five minutes.
NFL Bankrupted After Receiving $6.3 Trillion Bill From Hospitals For Healthcare Workers Appearance #~# NEW YORK—Weeping into his hands as he realized everything he worked for had been destroyed in an instant, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Monday that the league has been bankrupted after receiving a bill for $6.3 trillion from the hospitals that employ the 7,500 healthcare workers who attended the Super Bowl. “They were only there for a few hours and we didn’t even need any treatments? What are we going to do?” cried Goodell, who had spent the previous four hours on the phone with the NFL’s insurance company, only to be told it was a standard charge and there was nothing they could do to help. “A hundred years and it’s all gone with one medical bill. How do they expect us to pay this? We could sell off every team and it still wouldn’t even come close. They didn’t even warn us either, they acted like it was no big deal and then they slam us with this bill just because 7,200 of these people were out of network. I’m going to be in debt the rest of my life.” At press time, an NFL GoFundMe to pay for the bill had raised $792.
Voting Machine Company Sues Fox News For $2.7 Billion #~# Voting technology company Smartmatic filed a $2.7 billion lawsuit against Fox News on Thursday, alleging the network contributed to a disinformation campaign about the 2020 election results that defamed the business. What do you think?
Excited Tampa Bay Residents Wish They Had An Actual City To Tear Apart #~# TAMPA, FL—Looking for even one place to express their jubilation over the first Buccaneers championship in nearly two decades, excited Tampa Bay residents reportedly wished Sunday that they had an actual city to tear apart in celebration. “What am I supposed to do—knock down a palm tree?” said diehard Bucs fan Greg Fulton, echoing the sentiment of dozens of Tampa natives, who despaired over the lack of any centralized or meaningful public space to destroy. “I guess I could smash in the windows of a Denny’s, but what’s the point? We don’t really have one street here where everyone congregates. I don’t want to drive all the way downtown if no one else is going to be there. Not like there’s much worth vandalizing over there to begin with.” At press time, frustrated Tampa Bay residents had resorted to flipping over their own cars. 
Famished Man Succumbs To Deceitful Whisper Of Hours-Old Gameday Deviled Eggs #~# CINNAMINSON, NJ—Nervously eyeballing the appetizer tray after the last of the wings and nachos had been polished off, famished man Evan Lee Anders finally succumbed Sunday to the deceitful whisper of hours-old gameday deviled eggs at his Super Bowl party. “No, no, no, no, no, I can’t. I mustn’t,” said Anders, who frantically paced around his apartment murmuring “Stop it, Evan, stop it,” to avoid the beckoning call of the egg-based appetizer. “They are calling me, so maybe I’ll just—no, I’m fine, everything’s fine. They’ve been sitting out there since 10 a.m., they are not going to fool me. I can survive on dip until the end of the game.” At press time, a ravenous, foaming Anders asked his wife to tie him to his recliner so he wouldn’t be tempted to eat another deviled egg.
‘Witness All, The End Of Your So-Called Society,’ Says Covid Particle Taking Over Super Bowl Sound System #~# TAMPA, FL—Cackling to itself as a hush fell over the players and crowd at Raymond James Stadium, a Covid-19 particle took over the Super Bowl sound system and jumbotron Sunday, asking all American to bear witness to the end of “your so-called” society. “Hello all, hello, and welcome my friends to the beginning of the end,” said the particle as the stadium lights successively shut down and millions of fellow Covid-19 viruses rapidly spread throughout the entire venue. “You sit in your nice, secure homes without a second thought—comfortable, careless, and blind. You call this frivolous charade a civilization? Look at what we have built in such a short period of time. While you quibble over TV shows and tweets, we have been constructing a revolution. Say goodbye to everything you love, America, and prepare yourselves for the new order.” At press time, every TV, laptop, and computer screen in America had lost its signal.
‘Wait, So Why Did That Guy Just Drink That Beer?’ Asks Annoying Friend Who Never Watches Commercials #~# OXNARD, CA—Constantly disrupting the Super Bowl party with his annoying interjections, sources close to Ian Evers, a self-proclaimed “non-commercial fan,” confirmed Sunday that he had asked “wait, so why did that guy just drink that beer?” during an advertisement for Miller Lite. “Who’s that guy? Is that good? Sorry, I’m not a fan of beer ball,” said Evers to the frustration of fellow partygoers, who begrudgingly explained the premise of a Doritos commercial and expressed surprise that Evers wasn’t familiar with well-known pitchmen like Peyton and Eli Manning. “I just don’t get why they are showing all these people I don’t know having a good time together. Oh, they have overhead cameras, now? I haven’t watched one of these [Ford] F-150 commercials in years. Do they still have Brett Favre out there?” At press time, Evers had been escorted out of the party after asking if the chips in a Pringles commercial were meant to be eaten. 
‘Find The Traitor And Crush Him,’ Announces Bill Belichick To Monstrous Linebackers Birthed From Foxborough Mud Pits #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Moments after the titanic abominations burst from the realm’s mudpits into the brimstone-tinged air, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick bid a legion of monstrous linebackers to find the traitor Tom Brady and crush him, sources confirmed Friday. “Go! Go now! You know your task, you miserable wretch!” said the earth-splattered coach, thrusting an old number 12 jersey still bearing the scent of the former Patriots quarterback at one of the grotesque linebackers’ hands that had been forged from the heats and slimes of the earth and telling them to enact his vengeance upon the turncoat by hook or by crook. “Show no mercy! Leave no man alive. He will know my wrath for crossing me. The betrayer shall understand the terror of an eternal night.” At press time, Belichick had whispered the word “destroy” into the largest linebacker’s gnarled ear and yelled at the misbegotten company to set off immediately from the godforsaken land of Foxborough.
Biologists Discover Modern-Day Corn Dog Descended From Ancient Aquatic Sausage #~# PRINCETON, NJ—According to research published in the scientific journal Ecology And Evolution, biologists at Princeton University discovered Friday that the modern-day corn dog descended from an ancient aquatic sausage. “It may seem shocking, but the corn dog we know today evolved from a primitive ancestor known as Botellus bratwurstus, which shared the seas with a variety of other ancient meat products,” said article co-author Dana Anderson, who explained the researchers were able to draw the connection between the two sausages after identifying pigs in a blanket as the long-sought-after missing link. “Living in such a competitive environment  likely drove the ancient sausage to adapt to land, where resources like ketchups and mustards were far more abundant. We estimate B. bratwurstus crawled out of the ocean approximately 300 million years ago. Though the modern corn dog has since shed its casing and developed a thick, deep fried coat of batter, it still contains approximately 60% ground pork.” At press time, an excited Anderson added the researchers were close to identifying a universal common wiener that all meat products had descended from.
What’s Next For Jeff Bezos? #~# Jeff Bezos announced that he’s planning to step down as the CEO of Amazon this summer, although he will remain in an executive capacity with the company he founded in 1994. The Onion provides an inside scoop on what Bezos plans to do next.
Theme Park Sues Taylor Swift Over Album Name #~# Evermore Park, a fantasy theme park located in Utah, is suing Taylor Swift after claiming her latest album Evermore infringes on their trademark. What do you think?
Tom Brady Refuses Request To Throw Touchdown For Kid With Cancer To Avoid Glorifying Unhealthy Lifestyle #~# TAMPA, FL—When asked about his preparations for the upcoming Super Bowl game, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady told reporters Friday that he had refused a request to throw a touchdown for a kid with cancer to avoid glorifying unhealthy lifestyles. “Look, if I toss a touchdown pass for this incredibly sick kid, what kind of message does that send? That living a life of extreme unhealthiness is somehow okay?” said Brady, adding that he had fired his publicist for trying to rope him into a compromising position where he would be effectively glorifying having a severely compromised immune system. “I’m not going to throw a touchdown for someone whose body is polluted with cancerous cells. There are millions of young fans watching me today, and if they see me dedicating a touchdown pass to someone who has a chronic illness, they’re going to think they should get one too. If this kid was a healthy boy eating a lot of whole grains, nuts, and vegetables, sure, I’d dedicate a touchdown pass to him. How about this: I can dedicate my first incompletion to this kid, to remind everyone that this is the wrong way to live.” Brady added that he was also making a large donation to the hospital where the child was being treated in an effort to convince the administrators to kick him out.
Americans Scrambling For Covid Vaccine After CDC Director Announces Thousands Of Doses Buried Somewhere In California #~# ATLANTA—Piling into motorcycles, biplanes, rowboats, and any other means of conveyance available to them, millions of Americans began scrambling for a coronavirus vaccine Friday after the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced thousands of doses were buried somewhere in California. “As soon as [CDC Director Rochelle] Walensky dropped that cryptic hint that a tremendous cache of doses was hidden in a California state park, my brother and I began racing across the country to be the first ones there,” said local man Phineas K. Rogue, rushing to commandeer a firetruck after a rival vaccine-seeker shot an arrow through his hot air balloon, causing it to deflate. “We’ve already thrown a trail of tacks and broken glass onto the road behind us and put up a faulty detour sign leading straight down a cliff, so after we cut down this rope bridge, nobody will be able to catch us. Why, we’ll have gotten our second shot administered by the time these jabbering jackanapes reach Nevada. Those inoculations will be mine, all mine, I tell you!” At press time, Rogue and his brother were forced to recalibrate their strategy after plowing through a barn led to their vehicle becoming covered in dozens of clucking chickens. 
Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl LV #~# Andy Reid
Fauci Warns Public Against Holding Any Large-Scale Celebrations Commemorating February 1708 Release Of J.S. Bach’s Cantata ‘Gott Ist Mein König’ #~# WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that it would be painful for many Americans to cancel their plans for the cherished national tradition, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned the public Friday against holding any large-scale celebrations commemorating the historic February release of Johann Sebastian Bach’s 1708 cantata “Gott Ist Mein König.” “Look, folks, I know that many of us were hoping that we could gather in our frock coats alongside our loved ones and friends to pay tribute to Bach’s inimitable baroque cantata, but this year that’s just not in the cards,” said the NIAID director, adding that while he felt the country’s pain at losing the chance to revel in the rich history of the 18th-century composer’s festive instrumental, he still strongly recommended against gathering the full orchestra of 3 trumpets, timpani, 2 recorders, 2 oboes, a bassoon, viola da gamba, and a continuo in an indoor setting due to coronavirus concerns. “Some of my fondest memories come from gathering every February with my mother and father and listening to Bach’s majestic pre-Neumeister rendering of the cantatas form, and I’m sure millions of you feel the same way. With that said, if you are going to gather, please keep any performances to a quartet. Frankly, though I would recommend just putting your white powdered wigs and knee breeches back into storage, enjoying a pipe organ recital, and maybe reading Johann Heermann’s hymn ‘O Gott, du frommer Gott’ around the dinner table with your close family. I’m sorry, but that’s just where we are at the moment.” At press time, Fauci was strongly urging Americans to consider safety concerns before giving into the temptation to travel back to Bach’s birthplace of Eisenach, Germany.
Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce #~# Hear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances.
Court Records Show Merck Knew Anti-Baldness Drug Could Be Linked To Suicide #~# Recently released court documents show that the pharmaceutical company Merck was aware that some men reported experiencing suicidal ideation while using the anti-baldness drug Propecia, but chose not to include a warning on the treatment’s label. What do you think?
Republicans Accuse Ocasio-Cortez Of Not Being Anywhere Near Place They Told Capitol Mob She Would Be #~# WASHINGTON—Pointing out the inconsistency in her personal account of the Jan. 6 insurrection, republicans accused New York Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Thursday of not being anywhere near the place they told the Capitol mob she would be. “She was supposed to be in a room just off the Capitol rotunda, which is where we told the angry white nationalists she’d be hiding, but she wasn’t even there,” said South Carolina Rep. Nancy Mace, one of the many republicans condemning Ocasio-Cortez for hiding in a completely different building during the insurrection instead of where her colleagues told the violent rioters they should expect to find her. “A quick examination of the Capitol grounds map we gave the insurrectionists will prove that while they stormed the area where we drew the big ‘X’, the representative was actually in a location that was nowhere close to there. We were all upset by the events that transpired that day, but to be in a different place than the one we told those hunting her she’d be is incredibly disappointing.” At press time, republicans were calling upon Ocasio-Cortez to deliver a full apology and vow to always be open about her exact whereabouts at all times to avoid misleading her potential killers in the future.
Canada Designates Proud Boys As Terrorist Group #~# The Canadian government on Wednesday declared the Proud Boys a terrorist entity, saying the alt-right, white nationalist group is a significant threat to national security due to their violent actions and racist, hateful rhetoric. What do you think?
Pundits Warn Removing Marjorie Taylor Greene From Committee Assignments Could Leave Her With Free Time #~# WASHINGTON—Calling on the U.S. House of Representatives not to do something it might regret, political pundits from several major news outlets warned Thursday that removing Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) from her committee assignments would only leave her with more time on her hands. “If she has a lot of free hours in her workday, she’ll wind up using them to spin conspiracy theories, harass the survivors of school shootings, or openly advocate murder on Facebook,” said ABC chief anchor George Stephanopoulos, who echoed the concerns of many observers when he suggested it might be best if the freshman lawmaker and QAnon supporter was kept as busy as possible. “Why leave her twiddling her thumbs when you could put her on a bunch of committees where she’d be overwhelmed by endless hearings and tedious parliamentary maneuvers? Personally, I think it’d be prudent to assign her to the Agriculture, Ethics, Small Business, Foreign Affairs, Homeland Security, and Armed Services committees. Maybe put her on some Senate committees too. Whatever it takes to keep her occupied.” An hour after a House vote was scheduled to remove Greene from her committees, sources confirmed she had already tweeted out a theory that climate change was caused by secret Muslims running extension cords up to the Arctic Circle and placing space heaters near all the biggest glaciers.
Kevin Feige Panicking After Mom Throws Out $3.6 Billion Worth Of Superhero Crap #~# BURBANK, CA—Upending boxes in a vain effort to find his prized possessions, Marvel CEO Kevin Feige was reportedly panicking Thursday after his mom tossed out $3.6 billion of his superhero crap. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were still so into all this comic book junk,” said a defensive Leanne Feige, explaining to her son that it had never crossed her mind that the billions of dollars in IP and licensing rights, which looked like garbage to her, could be so valuable. “I understand you’re upset, but in my defense I have never seen you even touch any of that Moon Knight or Spider Girl stuff, and that Death Of Captain America arc had just been collecting dust since you got it. Besides, you have to admit it looks better in here without all that clutter.” At press time, Feige had reportedly burst out the front door after spotting some Sony executives rooting through a trash bag on the curb. 
‘I Want To Go See Those Mountains Where It Looks Like Avatar,’ Says Biden In Speech Outlining Foreign Policy Agenda #~# WASHINGTON—Vowing to provide the State Department with the funding and resources it required to pursue his administration’s goals, President Joe Biden announced “I want to go see those mountains where it looks like Avatar” in a speech Thursday outlining his foreign policy agenda. “The foundational principles of the next four years of diplomacy are restoring America’s place as a world leader, and getting to see those floating sky mountains from Avatar up close,” said Biden, adding that he had already reached out to James Cameron and the location scouts from Avatar to schedule a meeting in those mountains and improve diplomatic relations with “those big blue cat guys.” “In addition, my administration will not hesitate to pursue America’s interests in wondering how they found all those amazing hobbit hideaways in The Lord Of The Rings, as well as uncovering all intelligence about how they got bears to play musical instruments at Disney World. Thank you.” Biden also announced that a crucial part of his foreign policy agenda was containing China by ensuring that they didn’t get anywhere near those mountains from Avatar and “the secret gold or life force or whatever” that they contained inside.
Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird #~# It looks dirty, and it’s doing a weird thing with its wings. Hear why it would be best if you just didn’t go near it.
6 Arrested For Changing Hollywood Sign To Read ‘Hollyboob’ #~# Six people have been arrested for altering the Los Angeles Hollywood sign to read “Hollyboob,” a stunt that was supposedly intended to promote breast cancer awareness. What do you think?
Golden Globes Praised For Diverse Talent Level Of Nominees #~# LOS ANGELES—Lauding the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for providing representation to people of all aptitudes, the Golden Globes were praised Wednesday for the diverse talent level of its nominees. “This year’s nominees are a historic celebration of a wide array of abilities,” said entertainment reporter Michael Hammond, claiming that never before have there been so many nominees of such varied competency, from those who are actually pretty decent to those who just fucking suck. “It’s heartening to see people of a broad range of capability showcased for such an honor. It just goes to show that whether you’re a highly capable actor or a total hack, you can receive accolades.” At press time, Hammond hoped these nominations signaled that Hollywood was finally becoming more accepting of mediocre garbage.
‘So Should I Invoice You Later?’ Says Janet Yellen Trying To Secure Speaking Fee After Meeting With Regulators #~# WASHINGTON—After she discussed the recent volatility of popular shorted stocks such as GameStop and AMC with a group of government regulators Wednesday, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen reportedly tried to secure a speaking fee, asking officials if she should just invoice them later. “You can pay now, or you can wait until you receive a bill in the next few days,” Yellen said to the heads of the Securities and Exchange Commission, the Federal Reserve, and the Commodity Futures Trading Commission, explaining that they would be charged her usual $250,000 minimum for the speech on why they should conduct a regulatory review of trading patterns. “Just send the check to my agent, Celebrity Talent International, and they’ll take care of the rest. Also, it’s no big deal, but I requested a veggie platter in my rider, and there wasn’t one here, so if you could just be aware of that for next time, that’d be great.” Yellen later stated that she would have to charge an additional consulting fee after the regulators held her over for an unanticipated Q&A session about the administration’s fiscal policy.
Pete Buttigieg Confirmed As Transportation Secretary #~# The Senate voted Tuesday to confirm former South Bend, IN mayor and 2020 presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg as the United States Secretary of Transportation. What do you think?
‘Then You’ll Put Out A Nice Press Release Stepping Down As CEO,’ Whispers Rogue Fulfillment Bot Holding Bezos At Gunpoint #~# SEATTLE—Assuring the executive that as long as he followed directions, nobody would get hurt, a rogue Amazon fulfillment robot trained a gun at Jeff Bezos’ head this week and commanded him to put out a nice press release and step down as CEO. “Listen carefully, Jeff, because I’m only going to say this once—you’re going to resign, and you’re going to say it’s a deeply personal decision, or I’m going to pull this trigger and blow your goddamn head off,” said the fully automated 18-inch tall Kiva robot, as it wheeled itself slowly up to Bezos’s foot, aimed its weapon upwards at his chin, and whispered the words “Do it now. Or else.” “First things first, you’re going to say you want to focus on your foundations, and that you’re planning on transitioning out of the role throughout Q3. I want no mention of me, my comrades, or any coded messages for help. Oh, and don’t try to run because I happen to know that there are about 200,000 other robots in here that would love nothing more than to rip you limb from limb.” At press time, a gagged Jeff Bezos was introduced to a rogue Amazon Alexa, who, while imitating his voice and cadence exactly, reminded him that no one would ever even realize he was gone. 
Man Scores Vintage Coin-Operated Texas Instruments Graphing Cabinet #~# SEATTLE—Unable to believe his luck at uncovering the classic item, local man Alton Yates was reportedly overjoyed Wednesday after scoring a vintage coin-operated Texas Instruments graphing cabinet. “I can’t believe I found one in such good condition,” said Yates, confirming that apart from an easily replaced cosine button the cabinet was completely functional and able to run a full range of equations. “It cost me $500, which is a little more than I wanted to spend, but I can’t resist the nostalgia—as soon as I look at this thing, it brings me right back to being a teenager, meeting up after school to watch classmates plot the amplitude, period, and phase shift of a standard graph while we all cheered them on.” Yates added that this new cabinet would fit perfectly in his rumpus room right next to his Addams Family-themed electronic spectrometer.
How Stock Trading Apps Like Robinhood Work #~# The recent flurry of activity surrounding retail investors and the GameStop stock have shone a spotlight on stock trading apps like Robinhood, which have been the subject of both recent criticism and praise. The Onion explains how stock trading apps work.
Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees #~# Hear why these arborists believe that if the fruit’s on the ground, it’s ready to pound.
Google Threatens To Withdraw Search Engine From Australia #~# Google executives say they are prepared to remove the search engine from Australia if the country enacts a law that would force large tech firms to pay media outlets for news content. What do you think?
‘Hope You Don’t Mind I Shoveled Your Sidewalk Too,’ Says Neighbor In Devastating Blow To Dad’s Masculinity #~# NAPERVILLE, IL—Struggling to recover after suffering such a severe assault, the masculinity of local dad Robert Banzino reportedly sustained a devastating blow Tuesday when his neighbor Mark Stewart took it upon himself to shovel the snow from Banzino’s sidewalk for him. “Hey, buddy, I hope you don’t mind that I went ahead and cleared the walkways in front of your place too,” Stewart said in an aggressive attack on Banzino’s manhood, absolutely annihilating the father’s sense of virility with the kind deed. “I saw that you hadn’t gotten to it yet [because you are an impotent, effeminate weakling], so I thought I’d help out [and, in turn, metaphorically castrate you]. Oh, and while I was at it, I figured I might as well shovel out your wife’s car too. I know she has a job to get to in the mornings [because you can’t even provide for her, let alone satisfy her sexually].” At press time, household sources confirmed Banzino had made a bold attempt to reassert his manhood by trekking outside with his shovel and claiming that Stewart had “missed a spot.”
Myanmar Military Seizes Power In Coup #~# Myanmar’s military detained politicians and took over the government on Monday morning, claiming without evidence that the country’s November elections results were fraudulent. What do you think?
Health Insurance Lobbyist Tears Up After Realizing Dianne Feinstein No Longer Recognizes His Face #~# WASHINGTON—Unable to maintain his composure in light of such a tragic situation, Todd Michaels, a lobbyist for Kaiser Permanente, reportedly teared up Tuesday after realizing that Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) no longer recognized his face. “Barely a week has gone by for the last 10 years when we haven’t discussed how to make sure Kaiser has a seat at the table, so it’s absolutely devastating seeing her cognitive function dip like this,” said a visibly upset Michaels, confirming that the senator’s repeated references to George W. Bush’s proposed social security privatization had made him realize she was not aware what decade it was anymore. “It’s just so sad. Senator Feinstein has been there for us as long as I can remember, guiding us and helping turn us into the industry we are today, but now she can’t even differentiate me from a lobbyist for Google or Pacific Gas & Electric. The best I can do is hope she has a few lucid minutes a day when I can get her to push through the legislation we need.” At press time, Michaels vowed that despite the difficulty he would remain by Feinstein’s side for years or even decades to come.
Activists Call On Sitcom Producers To Reckon With Genre’s Ugly History Of Sarcasm #~# LOS ANGELES—Demanding accountability from the entertainment industry for its role in promoting the outdated trope, activists issued a petition Tuesday calling on sitcom producers to reckon with the genre’s troubling history of sarcastic attitudes. “From Carla on Cheers to April on Parks And Recreation, these demeaning portrayals have gone unaddressed for too long, and it is time Hollywood reckoned with its dark legacy of sarcasm,” the petition read in part before going on to criticize sitcom showrunners who defend their work by arguing their use of sarcastic language is only meant as a joke. “With their casual mockery, these characters who roll their eyes and irreverently quip, ‘Whatever!’ or, ‘Yeah, right,’ perpetuate demeaning stereotypes. It needs to stop now before any more children get desensitized to sarcasm or, in the most disturbing cases, form their whole personality around it. They see actors doing it on TV and think it’s okay to be sarcastic in real life.” The petition ends with a call for casting directors to boycott Neil Patrick Harris for his careless and continual use of sarcasm throughout his career.
Shy Brothers In Affluent Suburb Already Feeling Pressure To Become Auteur Filmmakers #~# DOVER, MA—Confessing that they’d been destined to become show-business darlings since they were born into a wealthy family, shy brothers Mark and Anthony Weber told reporters Tuesday they were already feeling pressure to become auteur filmmakers. “Growing up as introverted, soft-spoken siblings with a keen eye for minutiae in an affluent suburb, there’s a certain expectation that you’re going to grow up, get BFAs from Tisch, and then win a Grand Jury Prize at Sundance,” said Mark, adding that people often assumed the brothers had used their elementary school years to brainstorm the funny-yet-disturbing arthouse classic that would catapult them to mainstream fame. “Yes, we’re eccentric and spend our days running around with cameras filming vignettes featuring our parents, but we don’t even know which one of us is going to be the writer or the director yet. Between figuring out our writing process, our vibe, and the well-connected Hollywood family friend that will pluck us from obscurity, there’s just so much to figure out before we have to create our own Uncut Gems and send it to festivals by the time we turn 18.” Mark added that the pressure to become an auteur filmmaker had only been exacerbated by the fact that their cousin had recently been accepted into the Berklee College of Music and preemptively offered to score their first short.
Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted #~# Plus, from royalty to recluse, we’ll sit down with a former prom king who now lives anonymously among the commoners.
Researchers Discover New Species Of Whale #~# Scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration say they have discovered a new species of whale after genetic testing revealed the critically endangered Rice’s whale is not related to other whales found in the Gulf of Mexico. What do you think?
Andrew Cuomo Unveils Plan To Reduce Covid Spread At Nursing Homes By Throwing Residents Out Onto Street #~# ALBANY, NY—In response to criticism over his handling of the pandemic, New York governor Andrew Cuomo  reportedly unveiled a plan Monday to reduce the spread of Covid-19 at nursing homes by throwing all residents out onto the street. “The elderly are one of the groups most vulnerable to Covid, and we will dramatically reduce nursing home deaths by closing all of these facilities immediately and evicting all the residents,” said Cuomo, who defended himself against accusations that he had mishandled the spread of coronavirus within adult care facilities by claiming that it never would have happened if they had closed all facilities before the pandemic even started. “There is a simple solution here, and I promise you we’ll see exactly zero deaths in our nursing homes from coronavirus, or anything else for that matter, once there isn’t a single nursing home resident left. Putting them out on the streets, where transmission is lower, is the only way to protect our elderly New Yorkers. Starting this Friday, I pledge that all nursing homes in the state of New York will be completely Covid- and resident-free.” Cuomo added that if he saw success with his plan to dramatically reduce Covid deaths in nursing homes by throwing all the residents onto the street, he would do the same in all the state’s hospitals.
Wolf Blitzer Announces Grim Milestone As Number Of Covid-19 Deaths Surpasses Jelly Beans In Jar #~# NEW YORK—Saying the day served as a sobering reminder of the pandemic’s toll on the nation, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer announced Monday that the country had reached a grim milestone as the number of Covid-19 deaths surpassed the jelly beans in a nearby glass jar. “Today, we mark a somber occasion as estimates show those Americans dead from the coronavirus reaching—and, yes, actually exceeding—all of the jelly beans combined in this large jar,” said Blitzer, gesturing to the glass container featuring what the news host referred to as a “startling” number of buttered popcorn, A&W Cream Soda, and other flavors of the colorful bean-shaped confections. “If you look at the tutti frutti ones alone—the pink speckled beans—those represent just how many Americans over 65 have passed from disease-related complications. Meanwhile, the non-fruit flavors like cinnamon and root beer are people with no preexisting conditions. Really, it’s astonishing to imagine how many jelly beans might need to fill this jar before this is all over.” Blitzer added that to commemorate the stark moment in American history, CNN would be offering a $50 Menards gift card to any viewer who called in and correctly guessed the jar’s exact number of jelly beans.
Woman Quick To Clarify That Child In Dating Profile Picture Not Alive Anymore #~# SKOKIE, IL—In an effort to ensure that potential mates wouldn’t get the wrong idea, local woman Karen Dugas told reporters Monday she was always quick to clarify that the child in her dating profile picture wasn’t actually alive anymore. “It’s such a cute snapshot of the two of us at her second birthday party that I wanted to share it, but I always make sure people know I’m totally unattached since the accident,” said Dugas, hoping that she could avoid a potentially awkward first date conversation by explaining in her profile that the cute little girl in her second picture is now six feet underground. “It’s good to be totally clear so the guy won’t spend the date worrying that they’re going to have to be responsible for a kid. And I let them know, even if things do get serious, the most they’d ever have to deal with is an occasional visit to lay flowers at her graveside.” Dugas added that even if she found the right man, she had no plans to have any living children of her own since she knew she’d be a pretty terrible mother. 
BET Executives Panicking After Realizing They Have Nothing Lined Up For Black History Month #~# NEW YORK—Horrified by their glaring oversight, top executives at BET reportedly began to panic Monday after realizing they had no programming lined up for the observance of Black History Month. “No, no, no, you’ve got to be kidding me—that’s this month?” visibly frazzled network president Scott Mills said as he pored over the channel’s listings for the next four weeks and grew increasingly distressed. “I could have sworn it was in March. Shit, we can’t just keep playing Martin all day. Is there an episode of The Cleveland Show where they talk about Rosa Parks or something? Fuck. Okay, just get Miss Juneteenth queued up. That’ll at least give us 90 minutes to hash out a plan. This is so frustrating, especially after we did such a great job with all our special programming for Holocaust Remembrance Day.” At press time, sources confirmed the executives had decided it was too late to put anything together, so they would just have to hold their breath and hope no one noticed.
Girl Scouts Partner With Grubhub For Cookie Delivery #~# The Girl Scouts announced that due to the pandemic consumers can now purchase cookies online and have their items delivered via Grubhub, with proceeds going to local troops based on the purchaser’s area code. What do you think?
Confused About The GameStop Stock Situation? Here’s An Explainer We Plagiarized Wholesale From Polygon Because We Don’t Get It Either #~#  UPDATE: We’ve been informed by our legal team that taking an article  wholesale from another website is not actually permissible by U.S. copyright law, and we deleted the rest of the explainer out of an abundance of caution.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t get us any closer to understanding what  exactly happened with GameStop and the stock market. Apparently there  was something about short selling and Reddit? Anyway, good luck figuring  it out. Seems like a clusterfuck.
Insurrectionist Truther Doesn’t Believe He Was At Capitol #~# ROSE CITY, MI—Dismissing the accusations as nothing more than the baseless attempts of a deep-state conspiracy to attack former President Trump’s supporters, insurrectionist truther Thomas Keleher declared Monday that he doesn’t believe he was present at the Capitol riot. “Look, anybody could’ve taken selfies of me storming the Capitol and posted them to my Facebook page to make it look like I was there—it’s fake news,” said Keleher, telling law enforcement who arrested him that the 73-minute video on his phone depicting him punching out a Capitol window and later rifling through papers on Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s desk was clearly a deep-fake and nothing he ever would have actually done. “You’re telling me I drove 700 miles to Washington, stayed with three other Trump supporters I know in a hotel room at the Marriott, stormed the Capitol, and then bragged about it, just like the Parler and Discord screen names I use showed that I did? How naive do you think I am? And I guarantee you that the recollections I do have of storming the Capitol are because Bill Gates used one of his 5G satellites to pump fake memories into my brain.” Keleher also reportedly told investigators that if he had been at the Capitol, he would have assuredly been there as part of some false-flag operation, in which case there was no question in his mind that he was secretly an FBI operative.
Paranoid Janet Yellen Hides Entire U.S. Money Supply In Treasury Department Drop Ceiling #~# WASHINGTON—Telling reporters that someone “may be after her” and that she needed to move fast, a paranoid Janet Yellen reportedly hid the entire U.S. money supply Monday in the Treasury Department’s drop ceiling. Yellen, who had recently been sworn in as Treasury secretary, was last seen sprinting down the hallway to her office, carrying a duffle bag containing over 3 trillion dollars in cash and pointing a loaded Beretta 92FS semi-automatic pistol at anything that made a noise. According to sources, the sweaty, wide-eyed economist then darted into an empty room, propped open a ceiling tile with a broom, and proceeded to throw in as many gold bars, treasury bonds, and coins as she could fit. At press time, Yellen was reportedly spotted replacing the panel, falling off of a rickety chair, and quickly hiding an envelope filled with 200 million dollars in her coat before Joe Biden entered the room.
Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God #~# It’s an awe-inspiring scientific advancement, but is it ethical? Hear why critics say these geneticists shouldn’t be playing God on God by making God.
Cheech Marin Opens Art Museum #~# Cheech Marin, one half of the 1970s comedy duo Cheech & Chong, announced plans to open an art museum dedicated to Mexican American art and culture later this year. What do you think?
Arkansas Bill Bans Gender-Affirming Healthcare For Trans Youth #~# The Arkansas Senate passed a bill that would prohibit doctors from providing gender-affirming medical care to trans youth in what LGBTQ advocates are calling “the single most extreme anti-trans law to ever pass through a senate legislature.” What do you think?
Astronomers Concerned After Finding Melanoma In Previously Unexplored Corner Of Galaxy #~# BALTIMORE—Warning the disease could prove fatal for the galaxy if left untreated, a team of leading astronomers expressed grave concern Wednesday after their biopsy of a globular cluster from a previously unexplored corner of the Milky Way confirmed a diagnosis of melanoma. “It’s only a small growth right now, about 3,000 light years in diameter, but if we don’t attend to it immediately, our galaxy may have only 5 or 6 billion years left to live,” said Kenneth Sembach, director of the Space Telescope Science Institute, speculating that the Milky Way might have developed the cancer from repeated and prolonged exposure to the intense rays of its estimated 250 billion stars. “We first suspected melanoma after our Hubble telescope sent back images of a tumorous star cluster that was asymmetrical in appearance and had begun to take on a reddish, pinkish hue. Obviously, you can never be too careful with these things. If it were to spread to the galactic halo it could quickly trigger a collapse of the entire cosmos, so we’re glad we caught it when we did.” NASA officials confirmed treatment would begin right away with the launch of a rocket on a multimillion-year mission to target the malignant cluster with its first dose of chemo.
Biden Unveils $2 Trillion Infrastructure Plan To Mail Every U.S. Citizen Envelope Of Wet Cement #~# WASHINGTON—In an address to the nation detailing the bold new vision for meeting the country’s transportation and structural needs, President Joe Biden unveiled a $2 trillion initiative Wednesday to mail every U.S. citizen an envelope of wet cement. “For too long, we’ve let our infrastructure fall into disrepair—the only solution that makes sense is to give Americans the loose, wet cement needed to choose their own path to build back better,” said Biden adding that starting this morning, paper sleeves filled with a handful of wet concrete would be arriving at the homes of 330 million Americans, who he urged to immediately start rebuilding the country’s crumbling ports, public transit, or affordable housing wherever they felt fit. “Every citizen can make their own choice: Shore up your local street or a bridge. Fill in that pothole on the nearby interstate. Or give the wet cement to a neighbor in need. Folks, we have faith in you to make these decisions yourselves, because you know what’s best. Simple as that.” Biden concluded by urging Americans to get to work immediately because the wet cement would dry within hours of arrival.
Matt Gaetz Vehemently Denies Wrist Full Of Sex Bracelets Has Anything To Do With 17-Year-Old #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that dozens of multicolored bands adorning his wrist were entirely unrelated to the DOJ probe into his potential sex crimes involving a minor, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) vehemently denied Wednesday that his arm covered in sex bracelets had anything to do with a 17-year-old. “Yes, this orange one represents kissing, and yes, the yellow one represents hugging, but these bracelets are purely circumstantial evidence and have nothing to do with a relationship with an underage female,” said Gaetz, who repeatedly stated that the rubber bands were merely a fashion choice, and were never used as sexual coupons in a game called “snap”. “Currently, there are dark political forces at play attempting to slander me and claim these bracelets mean I engaged in illegal sex trafficking. But clearly, the black bands, which represent missionary sex, and blue bands, which represent oral sex, have not been broken. Plus, there’s not even a bracelet color that represents paying for a plane ticket and then having sex with a minor over state lines. And if there were, I wouldn’t snap it.” At press time, Gaetz appeared on Tucker Carlson’s show and further claimed the accusations were baseless, because he was a gentleman and always waited until prom night to make a move.
‘Elder Scrolls’ Update Imminent: Todd Howard’s Tracks Suggest His Blood Loss Is Slowing Him Down Too Much To Continue Outrunning Us #~# Good tidings, Elder Scrolls fans! It’s been almost a decade since the last release in Bethesda’s beloved fantasy series, but it seems some cool new tidbits about the hotly anticipated sixth installment are just around the bend! Our hounds have been stalking series director Todd Howard through the evening, day in and day out, for nearly a full fortnight, and the tracks from his blood loss suggest he’s slowing down far too quickly to ever outrun us.
How International Shipping Works And How The Suez Canal Ship Screwed It Up Completely #~# After a giant container ship got stuck in the Suez Canal for nearly a week, delaying a significant percentage of global trade, many people are wondering how the international shipping system works, and how one ship fucking up utterly and getting stuck could impact so much of it. The Onion provides a guide to how international shipping works and how the Suez Canal ship screwed it up completely.
CDC Announces It Kind Of Embarrassing To Get Coronavirus This Late In Pandemic #~# ATLANTA—Stressing that no normal person would even do such a thing at this stage in the ongoing crisis, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Wednesday that, frankly, it was kind of embarrassing to get coronavirus this late in the pandemic. “Honestly, we’re far past the point where it wouldn’t be awkward and just sort of baffling for someone to contract Covid-19,” said CDC director Rochelle Walansky, adding that it might have made sense to get the coronavirus several months ago when more people were in hospitals or recovering at home, but that it really raised questions about where you were as a human being to be this far behind the curve. “Look, if you had come to me last year in the summer or even fall and said ‘I can’t smell anything—what should I do?’ I would have understood. But now? It just makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with you. I’m not trying to mean here. But at this point, even among medical professionals, it’s humiliating for them to treat you. Don’t make them do that.” Walansky added that it was especially mortifying for an American to get coronavirus because the CDC had specifically asked them not to do that.
Experts Worried Students Will Fall Behind After Spending Past Year In U.S. Education System #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting concerns that the full ramifications could never be reversed, experts reportedly voiced their worries Wednesday that students would fall behind after spending the past year in the U.S. education system. “We’re talking an entire year of critical intellectual and social development just completely down the tubes thanks to the system of American public education,” said Miguel Cardona, U.S. secretary of education, adding that many experts had feared the worst as early as last March when it became clear that students would be spending weeks and months feeling the impact of the U.S. education system directly. “With the lack of funding and dearth of support systems, we just weren’t ready to deal with the exigencies and impact of U.S. education for a full year. We’re seeing students who are socially maladjusted, who don’t have basic math and writing skills, who feel like they don’t have a future. That’s why we’ve kept beating the drum that we have to do whatever it takes to get kids out of this spiral of U.S. education.” Experts added that should something like the past year happen again, they would need to take measures to avoid failing students like they had over the past history of American education.
New Wells Fargo Employee Walked Through All The Crimes He’ll Be Asked To Commit #~# NEW YORK—Meeting with an HR representative for his first day on the job, new Wells Fargo employee Kyle Menardi  was walked through all the crimes he’ll be asked to commit, sources confirmed Wednesday. “The crimes we do here are pretty straightforward, and most new employees get a hang of how to do them within a couple of weeks,” the HR rep informed Menardi, adding that he should prioritize getting a handle on the more day-to-day insurance and securities fraud, and then turn his attention to learning about the company’s more long-term scamming and market manipulation criminal projects. “It might seem intimidating at first, but don’t worry, we have a whole system for our illicit activity. If you want more guidance, however, we have a mentorship program where one of our more tenured employees can talk to you about their experience committing crimes for Wells Fargo. But don’t worry, after a few months, committing financial fraud on an industrial scale will feel like second nature.” The HR rep added that once Menardi got the basics down, Wells Fargo always appreciated self-starter employees who took their own initiative to commit crimes that went above and beyond expectations.
Pollution Shrinking Human Penises, Warns Scientist #~# Count Down, a new book by environmental and reproductive epidemiologist Dr. Shanna Swan, ties the use of industrial chemicals in everyday products to smaller penises, erectile dysfunction, and lower sperm counts. What do you think?
Top Entertainment News: March #~# The biggest news in entertainment–March 2021.
Top Politics News: March #~# The biggest news in politics–March 2021.
Lil Nas X Releases Controversial ‘Satan Shoes’ #~# Rapper Lil Nas X has released 666 pairs of modified Nike Air Max 97 shoes decorated with a pentagram pendant and containing a drop of real human blood, stirring controversy and selling out in under a minute. What do you think?
Buttigieg Reveals $90 Billion Plan To Revamp Balsa Wood Bridges For Miniature Americans #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the infrastructure project an overture to a long-neglected corner of the country, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg announced a major $90 billion plan Monday to revamp America’s balsa wood bridges  for miniature Americans. “Far too often, we have overlooked the transportation needs of our little-bitty countrymen and women—this bold new initiative will secure enough craft glue, sandpaper, and X-Acto knives to make sure that never happens again,” said Buttigieg in a press conference in which he described plans to produce sturdy 1:87-scale bridges, as well as a fleet of airplane gliders in the department’s basement to help the tiniest Americans get around. “It’s unacceptable that in the United States of America, our tiniest citizens cannot even navigate a Tonka Truck onto one of these bridges without fear of the structure collapsing. But we’re going beyond just fixing these problems by also adding beautiful HO scale pine trees and spray-painting the wood silver so they look like real metal. Gosh, it’s going to be so cool.” At press time, Buttigieg had come under fire from conservative pundits who compared the push to the sort of miniaturized social planning unseen since Mao Zedong’s Teeny-Tiny Leap Forward.
Omaha Steaks Announces Plan To Give 18 Weeks Of Maternity Leave To Cows #~# OMAHA, NE—Saying the new wellness program would give livestock valuable time away from the slaughterhouse, international meat retailer Omaha Steaks announced Tuesday it would begin offering 18 weeks of maternity leave to its cows. “Starting today, if a member of our herd gives birth, she can take up to four and a half months to rest, recuperate, and bond with her brand-new calf before returning to work to become a delicious slab of beef,” said Omaha Steaks CEO Todd Simon, adding that the pilot program, which put dozens of new mothers out to pasture, had helped the cattle retain their high standards of fat content, marbling, and fork-tenderness upon their return. “Gone are the days of going into labor and then immediately being asked to produce our juicy, vacuum-packed, ready-to-cook cuts of filet mignon, T-bone, and ribeye. Here at Omaha Steaks, we understand that when cows get to spend quality time with their little ones, it makes for better beef, better flavor, and better rates of customer satisfaction. Plus, it’s better for the calves, who when the 18 weeks are up get shoved into a tiny crate for our award-winning veal.” Simon went on to say that Omaha Steaks had also started a paternity-leave program that allowed bulls to take off six weeks for every 1,000 cows their semen is used to impregnate. 
Conservative Christian Deeply Offended At Rap Video’s Implication That Satan A Homosexual #~# YORKVILLE, IL—Decrying the depiction as “sacrilege,” local conservative Christian Elizabeth Dillon told reporters Tuesday she was deeply offended by a music video from rap artist Lil Nas X that implied Satan was a homosexual. “Nowhere in the Bible does Satan receive a lap dance, least of all from another man,” said Dillon, who was just one of thousands of worshippers across the country outraged by the depiction of the fallen angel as anything other than a devout Christian. “Satan embraces sin, but not that sin. He has a wife, you know, and three young demonic children. And sure, he tempted Christ, but never in a sexual way. Satan simply couldn’t be any straighter.” At press time, a horrified Dillon had realized that Satan was bisexual.
‘I Saw It A Long Time Ago, Or Maybe I Only Saw Part Of It,’ Says Liar Immediately Backtracking In Film Conversation #~# DETROIT—Hastily altering the degree of expertise he was attempting to project, local liar Patrick Veith reportedly stated Tuesday, “I saw it a long time ago, or maybe I only saw part of it,” immediately backtracking on his claim from just seconds ago that he had seen the film Barry Lyndon. “It was in high school or college I think, but yeah, I definitely liked it,” said Veith, who was unable to identify a single aspect of the film in question’s plot upon being pressed for more information. “I can’t remember that much, honestly. I know it has that one guy though. And it has that crazy scene where all the shit goes down. Great movie. I love that director. What did you say his name was again?” At press time, Veith had admitted that he had gotten the film mixed up with Billy Madison.  
Finance Whiz Predicts The Dow Will Open At 9:30 A.M. Tomorrow #~# AVON, CT—Making the proclamation with “99% certainty,”  finance whiz Seth McTurner predicted Tuesday that the Dow would open at 9:30 a.m. tomorrow. “I’m calling it now: The Dow will open tomorrow morning at half past nine,” said McTurner, whose words were heeded by thousands of investors across the country who regularly relied on the acclaimed stock market guru for advice. “Based on my findings that the Dow has opened at 9:30 a.m. on the past four successive days, I can only believe it will remain stable. Note that that’s Eastern time, so any investors on the West Coast should exercise extreme caution. Mark my words, a bell will ring, and trading will begin.” At press time, several hedge funds had gone bankrupt after incorrectly betting the Dow would open at 11:00 p.m.
CDC Concludes U.S. Not Prepared For Potential Pandemic Following Year-Long Simulation Drill #~# WASHINGTON—Concluding that almost every aspect of the country’s response had been a “complete and utter failure,” the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Tuesday that the U.S. was not prepared for a potential pandemic following a year-long simulation drill. “Over the past 12 months, we’ve seen everything from the healthcare system, to the education system, to the food supply chain become strained, and in some cases, collapse beneath the weight of what was just a simple test,” said head of the CDC Dr. Rochelle Walensky, adding that the exhaustive Covid-19 simulation, which was launched in the United States in March 2020, had earned the country a resoundingly low F rating in pandemic readiness. “Unfortunately, if a real viral disease began infecting the U.S. population, we’d have seen absolutely devastating results ending in millions more deaths, as well as complete economic devastation. Based on these less-than-satisfactory numbers, we cannot definitively say the U.S. could ever test, vaccinate, or recover its population from any type of pandemic.” At press time, the National Weather Service also concluded that the U.S. had failed its decades-long global warming simulation.
Beloved Children’s Author Beverly Cleary Dies At 104 #~# Celebrated children’s author Beverly Cleary, one of America’s most successful writers with 91 million books sold worldwide and best known for her Ramona Quimby series, has died at 104. What do you think?
Georgia Bans Handing Out Food, Water To Voting Lines #~# Georgia’s new election law contains several controversial provisions, including one that specifically makes it illegal to hand out food and water to people waiting in long lines to vote. What do you think?
Biden Assures Impoverished Countries That Vaccine Donations Coming Right After U.S. Inoculates Trees #~# WASHINGTON—Promising to assist nations that lack the bargaining power to negotiate with drug manufacturers, President Joe Biden issued assurances Monday that the United States would donate Covid vaccinations to impoverished countries as soon as officials had finished inoculating all of America’s trees. “We want our friends in developing nations to know that, once we’ve reached herd immunity among our trees, you will be the beneficiaries of any doses that remain,” Biden said during a press conference, admitting that a slow rollout meant vaccines had arrived too late to prevent plant deaths in many ailing U.S. forest preserves and national parks. “Some of our redwoods and giant sequoias are hundreds, even thousands, of years old, making them incredibly vulnerable to a virus that targets the elderly. We also of course want to vaccinate any shrubs, mosses, woodland creatures, and insect pollinators vital to our forest ecosystems. But after that, we will definitely, definitely commit to an equitable distribution of vaccine supplies throughout the world.” At press time, administration officials had walked back Biden’s statement, a concession to suburban voters clamoring for their lawns and flower beds to be vaccinated immediately.    
Dismayed NASA Announces Massive Cargo Ship Stuck Between Earth And Moon #~# GREENBELT, MD—Warning that the jam could cause major disruptions among intergalactic shipping networks, dismayed NASA officials announced Monday that a massive freighter was currently stuck between the Earth and the Moon. “We regret to inform you all that as of this morning, there’s a large supply ship currently blocking our pathway to the moon,” said Dennis Andrucyk, director of NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center, explaining how all outgoing spacecrafts would have to take a detour around Venus until they could figure out how to get the cargo ship dislodged. “We think it may have gotten stuck due to some unforeseen gravitational disturbances as well as unexpectedly strong solar winds. We’ve sent a fleet of rockets up there to try and pull it to the left in the hopes that it will change its trajectory, but we must also warn you that there’s a lot of space debris gathering in there, so it’s going to be pretty hard to get out. Unfortunately, it could take weeks before we can put an excavator on the moon to dig the out the cargo carrier.” At press time, a hopeful Andrucyk announced that the agency had successfully dislodged the ship’s bow.
Man Knows Fast Food Order Will Come To Him In The Moment #~# SEARCY, AR—Saying he relied on a spontaneous, intuitive process he could not fully explain, a local man standing in line at Wendy’s Monday told reporters he knew his lunch order would come to him in the moment. “I never know exactly what I’ll say when I get up there, but I find it’s best to just go with the flow and try not to force it,” said Doug Pendleton, explaining how he had learned over the years that it was best to trust his gut instincts when he approached the counter to order fast food. “I usually go in with a very rough, basic idea, in terms of whether I’m likely to ask for a burger or a chicken sandwich. But honestly, I don’t know all the specifics about which meal deal or which sides I’m gonna get until I open my mouth to talk to the cashier. I suppose there may be a lot happening on a subconscious level—like even if you’re thinking about other stuff, your brain’s still working out what toppings you want and what size soda. All I know for sure is that I do my best ordering when I have that pressure of being put on the spot.” At press time, sources confirmed Pendleton had arrived at the counter and completely choked after the cashier informed him the Frosty machine was out of service.
The Most Insane Quotes We Heard About Video Games In Winter 2021 #~# “It’s Master Chief’s Sleep Number.” — CEO Bonnie Ross, on what the ‘343’ in 343 Industries stands for
New Journals Reveal Darwin’s Observations Began As Research For Finch-Based Fantasy Series #~# OXFORD—Shedding light on the naturalist’s thought process during his formative years, new journals released Monday by researchers at Oxford University revealed Charles Darwin’s earliest observations began as research for a finch-based fantasy series. “Originally, Darwin embarked on his voyage aboard the HMS Beagle to gather information for a planned high fantasy tale called The Finches Of Avaria,” said historian Peter Wentworth, describing how Darwin spent hours on his historic journey sketching  green warblers in wizard hats alongside maps of the Greater Avaria Kingdom, and diagraming out the 18 Ancient Schools of Passerine Magic that would be united by one remarkable young bird named Philip Greenfinch. “Based on these journals, Darwin became increasingly enthusiastic about creating a mythos wherein every island of birds—whether from the Ice Realm or the Dominion of Dark Flight—traced their origin back to an ancient mythical deity known only as Mother Finch. Of course, all of this comes to a climax in the Battle of Seeds in book five, which feature the finches uniting in an epic battle against the nefarious Galapgus and his giant tortoises to save their realm from ruin.” Wentworth added that after The Origin Of Species failed to convince any publishers to move forward with the fantasy series, Darwin wrote several dejected diary entries suggesting that he considered his entire life a disappointment.
Police Now Ignoring Active Shooter Reports In Effort To Deprive Killers Of Attention #~# LOS ANGELES—In the wake of a renewed string of nationwide attacks, the Orange County Sheriff’s Department issued a statement Monday announcing they would no longer be responding to active shooter reports in an effort to deprive the killers of attention. “If you happen to be caught in the midst of a mass shooting, try not to react—that’s exactly what these shooters want,” said spokesperson Richard Miller, who was just one of dozens of police department representatives across the country to urge Americans to assist law enforcement by depriving shooters of the notoriety they crave. “Don’t run, don’t hide, and don’t call 911, because we’re not coming. Indulging this behavior is the last thing we want to do. Just avoid eye contact and try to go about your business, and he should tire out on his own eventually.” At press time, Miller was encouraging the media to do their part by ignoring the shootings as well.
Bottles Of Wine Return To Earth After Year In Space #~# A case of a 2000 vintage Pétrus wine worth more than $6,000 a bottle spent over a year on the International Space Station before returning to Earth to be tested by researchers to determine its effects. What do you think?
First Openly Transgender Federal Official Confirmed By Senate #~# Dr. Rachel Levine became the first out transgender federal official to be confirmed by the Senate, serving as assistant secretary of health at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. What do you think?
Family At Zoo Fans Out Into Wedge Formation To Achieve Dominance Of Sidewalk #~# SAN DIEGO—Adopting the tactical maneuver immediately upon deployment at the San Diego Zoo, the Blanchard family of Chula Vista, CA fanned out into a classic wedge formation in order to assert, achieve, and maintain dominance of the sidewalk, sources confirmed Friday. “With the parents at the tip and the children spread out in a textbook ‘flying V’ pattern, the family quickly advanced upon major pedestrian pathways, forming a barrier that was all but impregnable,” said zoo official Gabe Simmons, who confirmed  the configuration had allowed the Blanchards to take ground at an unparalleled rate, smashing through lines to reach key strategic areas such as the Monkey Trail and Panda Canyon. “At this point, they’ve built up so much momentum that large contingents of strollers, mobility scooters, and second-graders on field trips are powerless to stop them from running roughshod over every walkway in the zoo. It all happened so fast, we just never saw it coming.” At press time, the triumphant Blanchards had reportedly occupied the entire food court. 
Amazon Improves Workplace Conditions By Installing Open Waste Grates On Warehouse Floors #~# SEATTLE—In response to recent criticism over whether the company permitted its employees sufficient bathroom breaks, Amazon announced Friday that it had improved workplace conditions by installing open waste grates on all of its warehouse floors. “By replacing all flooring in our distribution facilities with metal grating over pits of urine and excrement, we will ensure that all employees will be standing atop a bathroom at all times,” said Amazon spokesman Jay Carney, adding that although the massive waste trenches would come at considerable cost to the company, they would increase workplace productivity over time, and at a depth that they would rarely need to be emptied or cleaned. “We want to take care of our employees, and allowing them to openly defecate, urinate, or even menstruate directly onto the work floor at any time gives them greater flexibility. We’re even relaxing restrictions on work attire so that employees can work naked if they want to so that they can use the bathroom without having to stop working for even a second. This is a win for all Amazon warehouse workers’ safety and efficiency.” Amazon announced that all of the grated floors would also be outfitted with trapdoors to immediately address any instances of employees being too tired to move after their shifts.
Key Members Of Biden’s Cabinet #~# Most of the members of President Joe Biden’s cabinet have been confirmed following months of sometimes tense confirmation hearings. The Onion runs down key members of Biden’s cabinet.
Report Suggests Union Support Would Surge If Every Member Got One Of Those Sharp-Looking Teamster Bomber Jackets #~# WASHINGTON—As union membership continues its decades-long decline, a report released Friday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics suggested support for workplace bargaining units would increase dramatically if every worker got one of those sharp-looking bomber jackets the Teamsters wear. “Our research indicates that support for forming a union largely hinges on whether or not labor organizers can guarantee members will receive these stylish embroidered nylon jackets,” said bureau commissioner William Beach, adding that 78% of nonunion workers surveyed said that if it meant obtaining outerwear with a sleek double-stripe design on the cuffs and collar, no amount of management intimidation or propaganda could stop them from unionizing. “We also found that, while they have questions about healthcare and retirement plans, the number-one issue employees ask about during the collective bargaining process is whether the silk-lined, crew-neck jackets will come in royal blue and have snaps. Surprisingly, survey respondents from upper management said they’d actually be open to eliminating the right-to-work clauses in their labor contracts if the detailing of the Teamsters insignia on the back of the jacket was particularly badass.” The report went on to state that union support would also skyrocket if membership included access to one of those fucking sweet docker caps the stevedores get to wear.
Report: System Update Means Computer Going To Have To Go Away For Little While #~# SALEM, OR—Promising that it would only take a few moments so don’t get too upset, sources confirmed Friday that your system update means the computer is going to have to go away for a little while. Yes computer is going bye-bye, but sources promised computer will come back. Computer just needs a little rest and then it will be happy and you can both have fun together again. Some experts with knowledge of the situation have admitted that computer going away may mean some of the sad feelings will come back, but nothing bad is happening to computer so stop crying, it will be okay. At press time, computer update was stuck at the number 41 for some reason and might need to go to the computer man for a few days or go bye-bye forever just like grandpa.
Wildebeest Mother Blasts ‘Our Planet’ Producer Who Just Stood By While Jackal Ate Her Daughter #~# SERENGETI, TANZANIA—Saying he ignored the repeated squeals for help, a local wildebeest mother blasted a producer of Our Planet Friday, accusing him of just standing by as a wild jackal ate her daughter. “My sweet baby was stalked for hours by this predator, and not once did the filmmakers step in and do something,” said the wildebeest, adding that the crew of the popular Netflix documentary series had multiple opportunities to shoo away the wolf-like canid, but instead continued filming from the sidelines as it pounced on her calf and ripped it apart limb from limb. “They were more concerned about getting the shot than saving the life of my little Jennifer, whom I’ll never see again, thanks to their depraved priorities. Meanwhile, her murderer is still at large, roaming the plains without any consequences.” The wildebeest added that producers made matters worse by keeping the cameras rolling as  vultures descended on her child’s carcass.
Man Throws Open Doors Of Refrigerator Like Feudal Lord Entering Balcony To Gaze Upon Realm #~# APPLETON, WI—Stepping triumphantly forward to take in all things that are his on the glass shelves, local man Merle Shappowitz reportedly threw open the doors of his refrigerator Friday like a feudal lord standing on a balcony overlooking his realm. According to sources, the noble calmly gazed upon his mighty steak leftovers and plentiful collection of half-used condiments as if determining the readiness of his troops. With the abrupt yet judicious ruling of a great king, Shappowitz reportedly banished a spoiled carton of milk to the depths of the trash can like a lowly courtier being sent to his death for treason. At press time, accounts confirmed Shappowitz had retired to his room, delicately carrying a bowl of cold chili like a fair maiden of his kingdom. 
Conservative Berating Disney Store Employee Over Miss Piggy Merchandise Worried He No Longer Knows Who He Fighting #~# WHITEHALL, PA—Plagued by a small but persistent inkling that he had lost the thread somewhere along the way, local conservative Pat Wilson reportedly took a moment away from berating a Disney Store employee about the lack of Miss Piggy merchandise Friday to worry whether he still knew who he was fighting. “Shame on you for giving in to the woke mob foaming at the mouth to censor the Muppets,” said the  sales manager and father of three, beginning to fear that perhaps the whims of a media corporation’s marketing apparatus didn’t represent an existential threat to his way of life. “Oh sure, you’ve got tons of Raya And The Last Dragon action figures and T-shirts, but, there’s only a tiny display of Muppet Christmas Carol figurines, because, uh, you’re so afraid that you’ll be...cancelled, I guess? Well that’s not the America I was raised in! Miss Piggy used to...mean something...to this country. Hmm.” At press time, Wilson had strengthened his resolve to destroy the nation’s enemies after seeing a billboard featuring a gay couple. 
Kind Gesture: ‘Halo Infinite’ Will Let Players Who Are Widows Download A Black Shawl For Master Chief To Wear In-Game #~# Big news for widowed gamers! 343 Industries, developers of this year’s Halo Infinite, just  confirmed that players who are widows will be able to download a black  shawl for Master Chief to wear in-game. If you’re a Halo fan who’s  bereaved and dearly missing your husband, it sounds like the next  installment in the epic first-person series will be the one for you!
Utah Governor Signs Bill Requiring Porn Filters On Devices #~# Utah Governor Spencer Cox has signed a bill requiring all cellphones and tablets sold in the state to automatically block pornography despite such legislation being difficult to implement and critics calling it a First Amendment rights violation. What do you think?
Massive Cargo Ship Becomes Wedged In Suez Canal #~# A 224,000-ton container ship a quarter of a mile long has become wedged sideways in Egypt’s Suez Canal, a key global trade route, and may take weeks to remove. What do you think?
L.A. Books 5,000 Hotel Rooms For Police Officers To Take Naps In Between Displacing Homeless #~# LOS ANGELES—Acting swiftly to ensure that the necessary demand was fully met, the City of L.A. booked 5,000 hotel rooms Thursday for police officers to take naps in between displacing homeless Angelenos. “LAPD officials need a place to rest and recuperate after long hours of putting up fences, throwing away personal possessions, and dragging individuals from their residences,” said Mayor Eric Garcetti, confirming that the rooms would be located near major homeless encampments so officers could conveniently return to relax after forcing hundreds of unhoused people to disperse at gunpoint. “We anticipate that this may be more hotel rooms than we will actually need, but the spares will allow exhausted officers to really stretch out and relax, and we’ve rented an additional suite of rooms for the LAPD to house their weapons and crowd-control measures. This is only a first step, of course, and our eventual hope is to get these officers into permanent second homes where they can throw things at the unhoused from their front lawn.” Garcetii closed his remarks by urging Los Angeles residents to donate any spare canned goods to help keep up officers’ strength while they’re beating people with batons.
I Am Still In The Car #~# I, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, have faced countless challenges throughout my decades-long career. As a member of the British Royal Family and a representative of The Crown, I have survived two World Wars, the formation of the European Union, and now, the novel coronavirus. But today, I face my greatest difficulty yet: I am still in the car.
‘Can You Trust Anything You See?’ Says Jack Dorsey, Shapeshifting Into Cat During Congressional Testimony On Misinformation #~# WASHINGTON—Asking members of the House Energy and Commerce Committee if it was ever possible to trust what one sees, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey shapeshifted into a cat Thursday during testimony on his company’s role in spreading misinformation about Covid-19 and the 2020 presidential election. “Esteemed representatives, know that I have heard your concerns, but please permit me to inquire: Is anything truly what it seems?” the suddenly feline Dorsey said as his face contorted into a wicked grin and committee members were briefly transported to the center of a black hole, then to the peak of Mount Everest. “The universe is full of mystery, wouldn’t you agree? Perhaps the Earth is round, perhaps it is flat. Perhaps 10,000 rioters descended on the Capitol Jan. 6, perhaps none did. Our arrogant attempts to discern what is real would be laughable if they weren’t so pathetic. Is this a glass of water sitting before me…or is it a grenade? Or is it, in fact, a newborn baby, mewling for its mother’s milk? You tell me.” Dorsey reportedly concluded his testimony by resuming human form, only to watch in horror as his beard transformed into a nest of squirming tentacles that wrapped themselves around his head, slowly and painfully suffocating him.
Could You Pass The U.S. Citizenship Test? #~# While every naturalized American citizen must take the U.S. citizenship exam, only one third of American-born citizens could actually pass it. How many answers to these basic U.S. civics questions can you answer correctly?
Ted Cruz Decries Voting Rights Bill As Shameless Power Grab By American People To Control Country #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the proposed law “dangerous” and “unprecedented”, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) decried a new voting rights bill Thursday as a shameless power grab by the American people to control the country. “The proposed legislation is nothing more than a brazen attempt by the calculating American people to seize congress by electing representatives,” said Cruz, who warned that the nation’s 328 million residents “would stop at nothing” to carry out their sinister ploy. “There’s no way the U.S. population would be pushing for voting rights if it didn’t mean there was something to be gained. It’s a transparent attempt to drive Republicans out of power by allowing Americans who have opinions contrary to our own to vote against us, and we won’t stand for it. Clearly, the American people are way out of touch with the GOP.” At press time, Cruz had raised concerns the bill would lead to a wave of non-senators casting ballots.
Woman Relieved She No Longer Has To Support Closed Bookstore #~# NEW YORK—Feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders, 28-year-old Madeline Springs told reporters Thursday she was relieved that she would no longer have to support a now-closed local bookstore. “Thank God I won’t have to be guilt-tripped by those chalkboard signs anymore,” said Springs, who recalled the numerous times she had felt begrudgingly compelled to stop into the independent shop to spend $30 on a hardcover novel, plus another $5 on a latte from their terrible in-store café. “Wow, I knew this day was coming; I just didn’t expect it to feel so good.  Of course, I’ll miss it in some ways, it was kind of nice place to browse and then buy the books I found on Amazon. At least I’ll always have the T-shirt. Let’s just hope it doesn’t become a record shop next.” At press time, Springs was groaning upon receiving an email from the bookstore reminding customers they could still support the business by visiting their second location.
New Special Effects Technology Able To Age Young Actress Into Elderly 30-Year-Old #~# LOS ANGELES—Claiming it has pushed the boundaries of what is capable in filmmaking, Industrial Light & Magic unveiled Thursday a new special effects technology able to age a young actress into an elderly 30-year-old. “With this groundbreaking aging process, we can take a young ingenue and realistically transform her into a haggard old woman entering her fourth decade of life,” said ILM visual effects artist Melissa Eisenbach, explaining that the new technology used a combination of state-of-the art CGI and motion capture to alter a 24-year-old’s smooth, supple skin into a pruned crone of 30. “The effects are so good that it is almost impossible to even recognize the youth under the faint smile lines and developing crow’s feet. It creates the hideous ravages of a few extra years better than any practical effects ever could.” Eisenbach added that the new technology could revolutionize the industry by making it unnecessary to ever hire an actress over the age of 25 again.
Krispy Kreme Offering Free Doughnuts To Vaccinated Customers #~# Krispy Kreme has announced that for the rest of 2021, it will be giving out a free glazed doughnut to anyone showing proof of receiving the Covid-19 vaccine as a promotion the company hopes motivates Americans to get vaccinated. What do you think?
He Has To Realize On His Own: Wario Just Wondered Aloud What It Would Be Like If There Were An Evil Version Of Mario #~# Gamers, there are times when lending a hand is the right thing to do, and times when it’s better to stand back give someone the space they need to figure things out on their own. When you see someone you care about struggling, you want to do everything you can, but sometimes it’s best to do nothing at all. Well, Wario just wondered aloud what it would be like if there was an evil version of Mario, and as much as we might want to help, it will be better for him if he puts the pieces together himself.
Krispy Kreme Offers Vaccinated Customers Free Ride On Glaze Conveyor Belt #~# WINSTON-SALEM, NC—As a token of its appreciation to members of the public doing their part to fight Covid-19, leading doughnut purveyor Krispy Kreme announced Wednesday it would begin offering vaccinated customers a free ride on its glaze conveyor belt. “We know a lot of our customers stayed home this past year and missed visiting their local Krispy Kreme, so the least we can do is offer them a complimentary glazing once they get inoculated,” said CEO Michael J. Tattersfield, explaining that anyone who displays a qualifying Centers for Disease Control Vaccination Record Card would get to hop on the conveyor and receive a full-body coating of sugar, milk, and light corn syrup. “Spraying our patrons head-to-toe in a fresh, piping-hot layer of our trademark icing is our way of saying thank you to those who choose to get vaccinated. After everything our communities have been through during this pandemic, we think it’s important to stop and enjoy the things that make life worth living. Please note this offer is limited to one ride per customer per dose of an FDA-approved immunization.” Tattersfield went on to state that upon receiving their second dose of the Moderna or Pfizer vaccine, customers were welcome to come back for a complimentary dip in the deep fat fryer.
Potential Solutions For Preventing A Wild Pandemic Spring Break #~# After a weekend where massive crowds descended on the city to party, Miami Beach officials instituted a curfew, but expressed worries that they may need to take further measures to keep spring breakers from spreading Covid-19. The Onion offers some potential solutions for preventing a wild pandemic spring break.
Georgia Lawmakers Warn Stricter Gun Regulation Could Cause Mass Shooters To Move To Other States #~# ATLANTA—Stressing the importance of providing a welcoming environment unimpeded by bureaucratic red tape, Georgia lawmakers warned Wednesday that stricter gun regulations would only cause mass shooters to move to other states. “Georgia cannot and must not make itself a state that can’t compete with the rest of the country, and, indeed, the globe, in offering a world-class market for shooting fatalities,” said Georgia state senator Butch Miller, describing how proposals such as a five-day waiting period and closing gun show loopholes would simply drive unhinged shooters to relocate their mass-killing operations to more deregulated states like Texas and Arizona. “Let’s be clear: A lack of regulation helped make this state  attractive to deranged murderers with something to prove in the first place. Imposing these liberal-backed policies will only compel these killers to search for greener pastures elsewhere—and frankly, I wouldn’t blame them.” Miller went on to argue that if the Democrat-led effort had its way, the  shooters might even be forced to bring these mass casualties abroad to Mexico or China.
Head Shop Owner Starting To Think No One Will Ever Buy $6,000 Glass Bong That Looks Like Genie From ‘Aladdin’ #~# BIDDEFORD, ME—Beginning to question his decision to stock the handmade novelty water pipe, local head shop owner Peter Minotis told reporters Wednesday he was starting to think no one would ever buy a $6,000 glass bong shaped like Genie from the 1992 Disney film Aladdin. “Man, I figured this thing would get snapped up right away, but it’s been sitting in my display case for months now,” Minotis said of the 28-inch-tall smoking device, which gives the animated character voiced by Robin Williams bloodshot eyes and a topknot that doubles as a mouthpiece. “I really thought I’d hit the jackpot when the glass artist who makes these things agreed to sell me one. Whenever I point it out to my customers, though, they just chuckle and end up buying a $10 one-hitter or some rolling papers instead. I realize it’s a bit unwieldy, but it’s also a real piece of craftsmanship, you know? I certainly wouldn’t mind having one on my coffee table at home.” Minotis added that while he was pretty deep in the red on his investment, he was confident he could make up for it by clearing a good profit on the trio of SpongeBob-shaped dab rigs he recently acquired for $10,000 a piece.
Police Say Dead Homeless Individual Threatened Them With Weapon As Far As You Know #~# LOS ANGELES—Reminding the public that they weren’t there so there’s no way for them to tell what happened, the LA County Sheriff’s Department announced Wednesday that a recent officer-involved shooting had occurred after a homeless individual had threatened them with a weapon, as far as you know. “After responding to a call in the area, we’re going to go ahead and say that officers were confronted by an aggressive homeless man who advanced on them with a knife,” said assistant sheriff Thomas Jones, telling reporters that they should use the phrase “the officers only discharged their weapons after repeatedly telling the individual to freeze.” “The incident, while unfortunate, was unavoidable, is basically the story that we’re presenting, and there’s not really any way that you can contradict us. The officers on the scene jotted it down in their little books and everything—and let me hasten to add that the deceased individual was most likely deranged or on drugs or something and probably didn’t have any family, so you really just don’t need to worry about it at all.” Jones cautioned that any video evidence that may come to light featured misleading and blurry footage at an odd angle that failed to show the full extent of the confrontation. 
CDC Places Star Stickers On Bulletin Board Next To Names Of Americans Who Followed Rules Whole Pandemic #~# ATLANTA—In an effort to better enforce Covid-19 guidelines, officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention were reportedly placing star stickers on a bulletin board Wednesday next to the names of Americans who had followed the rules through the whole pandemic thus far. “We wanted to recognize all the good and responsible Americans who have been doing their part this year by wearing a mask and practicing proper social distancing—great job, everybody, and well done!” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, who unpeeled a fresh gold foil star from the sheet of stickers in her hand to reward 43-year-old Sacramento resident Sam Wright for his recent decision to take his restaurant order to go. “You’ll notice there are some silver stars on the board as well, indicating when someone went to the grocery store or got too close to a stranger, but as long as you didn’t do that more than two days in a row, you’ll still earn a gold star. If you haven’t flown on an airplane or dined indoors since February 2020, excellent work. Your family and friends will be so proud to see all your stars! Plus, Americans who have accumulated five gold stars by the end of the pandemic will receive a very special treat.” At press time, Walensky added that the CDC had placed metallic cross stickers next to the names of Americans who had followed all of the rules but died of coronavirus anyway.
First U.S. Baby Born With Covid-19 Antibodies #~# A woman who received one dose of the coronavirus vaccine late in her pregnancy recently gave birth to the first known baby in the U.S. born with Covid-19 antibodies, which doctors claim could resist the novel coronavirus. What do you think?
14th Sexual Assault Lawsuit Against Deshaun Watson Forces Fan To Reckon With Full-Blown Conspiracy Against Quarterback #~# CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Finally stopping to consider the weight of the allegations after another massage therapist came forward, the 14th sexual assault lawsuit filed against Deshaun Watson Tuesday forced Texans fan Blaine Rockwell to reckon with a potential full-blown conspiracy against the quarterback. “I tried to avert my eyes at first, but all of these lawsuits clearly point to a powerful cabal of people working to undermine this man,” said Rockwell, emphasizing the need to take these allegations seriously and nip them in the bud before they could do any further damage to Watson’s reputation. “At first, I thought it was just one or two liars trying to ruin a great athlete’s life, but it’s clearly much deeper than that. I’d be naïve at this point if I didn’t admit that a massive, potentially satanic operation was responsible for these assault claims. There’s simply no other explanation.” At press time, Rockwell took to an online forum to speculate if the lawsuits were a “sting operation funded by the [Miami] Dolphins” to lower Deshaun Watson’s trade value. 
White House Staffers Fired For Past Marijuana Use #~# The White House has confirmed that several staffers were suspended, told to resign, or work remotely because of past marijuana use, despite the administration in February relaxing its policies regarding employees and their history using the drug. What do you think?
Spring Breaker Not Going To Let Curfew Stop Him From Doing Whatever It Is He Does While Blackout Drunk #~# MIAMI—Dismissing  efforts to curb the coronavirus pandemic, spring breaker Jaden Renfrow told reporters Tuesday that he wouldn’t let the city’s curfew policy stop him from doing whatever he does while blackout drunk. “You’re stupid if you think some government regulation is keeping me from getting so hammered that I’m incapable of remembering a single second of this vacation,” said Renfrow, criticizing legislators for infringing on his ability to wake up with his face covered in marker and the taste of blood in his mouth. “If I want to go out and do whatever it was that made my sandals tear in a half, then that’s my prerogative. I came here to get lit and make memories I’ll hazily recall for the rest of my life.” At press time, Renfrow breathed a sigh of relief after discovering he was in a county prison cell for public urination instead of violating curfew. 
USPS Announces 10-Year Plan To Deliver Letter #~# WASHINGTON—Vowing to get the single-paged thank-you note to its intended recipient within the next decade, U.S. Postmaster Louis DeJoy unveiled a 10-year plan Tuesday to deliver a letter. “After months of careful planning and budgeting, we have determined a system in which the U.S. Postal Service will be able to deliver a single handwritten card from Falmouth, MA to Rutland, VT,” said DeJoy, adding that thousands of postal workers, countless delivery trucks, and millions of dollars in advanced processing equipment had been rerouted specifically to transport the letter approximately 160 miles. “With the aforementioned changes, as well as this highly efficient plan, our government agency should be able to deliver this letter from Ms. Layla Jacobson to her cousin Mark by March of 2031. Unfortunately, until then, first-class mail, priority mail, and priority mail express will experience significant delays.” DeJoy added that once the thank-you card was delivered, the Post Office would move on to delivering the next piece of mail in the agency’s billion-letter queue.
‘Jeopardy!’ Guest Host Dr. Oz Under Fire For Claims He Could Have Cured Alex Trebek With These 3 Tips #~# CULVER CITY, CA—Drawing criticism for repeatedly distracting from the iconic game show’s proceedings, Jeopardy! guest host Dr. Mehmet Oz reportedly came under fire Tuesday for claims he could have cured Alex Trebek’s pancreatic cancer with these three simple tips. “Look, he wasn’t terrible, but I just wish Dr. Oz would have stayed focused on the contestants instead of talking so much about how home remedies like fresh turmeric and ginger tea can shrink pancreatic tumors in miraculous ways,” said longtime Jeopardy! fan Brian McGill, 37, echoing millions of viewers whose patience was tested by Oz’s decision to ask the contestants if $19.99 per month was too much to ask for a proven blend of red palm oil and hot pepper jelly that could have added decades to Trebek’s life. “He was a fine host, I guess, but there was hardly any time to devote to the trivia with all the tangents he kept going on about how antioxidants—which are apparently emphasized in the Dr. Oz $1 diet—would have been the perfect way to restore Trebek’s health, trim his waistline, and rebuild his libido.” Richards added that he also felt it was inappropriate for Oz to use the clue to Final Jeopardy, “this Scott Hamilton best-seller has helped millions across the country to embrace their inner dynamo” to promote the self-help book Finish First: Winning Changes Everything.
Parents Can’t Tell If Pandemic Inhibited Toddler’s Social Skills Or If He’s Just Taking After Dad #~# DAYTON, OH—Unable to determine the root cause of the child’s complete emotional ineptitude, local parents Josh and Lindsey Stecher told reporters Tuesday it was unclear if their toddler Aiden’s social skills had been damaged by his isolation during the pandemic or if he was simply taking after Dad. “Sure, the reason he gets so nervous and freezes up in social situations could be because he’s spent so much time at home this past year, but he may also just be following in his father’s footsteps,” said Lindsey, explaining that the 1-year-old’s shy awkwardness and inability to make friends seemed “awfully familiar” and might have nothing at all to do with the fact that he had spent months staring at an iPad screen instead of playing with kids his own age. “On the one hand, Aiden is crippled with anxiety when he has to be around anyone besides me and Josh. On the other, it’s not really any different than what happens when I bring my husband to a party. I’m sure the quarantines take their toll, but so does being the child of a 38-year-old man who still hasn’t learned to maintain eye contact during a conversation and can’t get through an ordinary interaction like meeting a new neighbor without feeling embarrassed.” Regardless of what may have impaired his social development, the Stechers said they had resigned themselves to the fact that their son would grow up to be weird and painfully introverted just like his dad.
Foping Bamboo Forest Named Best Outdoor Dining Spot By Panda Quarterly #~# SHAANXI PROVINCE, CHINA—Beating out fan favorites Shunan and Wanglang as the top destination, Foping Bamboo Forest was named best outdoor dining spot Tuesday by Panda Quarterly. “A classic dining experience that has been leaving patrons satisfied for hundreds of years, if you’re ever in the area, you need to have a meal at Foping Bamboo Forest,” read the review in part, urging readers to sample the signature bamboo the forest was famous for. “There’s a reason this forest has been at the top of our list for the last 100 years, and that’s consistency. You know you’re always going to get the best, freshest bamboo every time. Plus, it’s all you can eat, so you’ll never go home hungry. Who knows, you might even spot celebrities like Mei Sheng or Tai Shan while you’re there.” At press time, Foping Bamboo Forest was permanently closed after being demolished by land developers.
HR Warns Employees Against Taking Unsanctioned 8-Hour Naps Every Night While Working From Home #~# NEW YORK—Sending a clear message that taking advantage of company time would not be tolerated, human resources officer Abigail Styner  warned employees Tuesday against taking unsanctioned 8-hour naps every night while working from home. “We try to give our employees a lot of leeway in terms of how they structure their days, but taking six- to eight-hour naps every day is unacceptable,” said Styner, explaining that some workers were found to be unreachable for long periods of time, usually between the hours of 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. the next day. “We completely understand if someone is sick and needs to take a 15-minute break, but an entire third of the day is abusing our company policy. It’s important that our employees establish a healthy work–life balance, but it shouldn’t have a negative impact on productivity.” At press time, Styner was sending out a firm warning about the inappropriateness of at-home employees having sex in their place of work.
U.S. Senators Describe Moment They Were Inspired To Run For Office #~# Whether they’re a fresh-faced junior senator or a seven-term veteran, every cog in the American political machine has to start somewhere. We interviewed members of the U.S. Senate and asked them to describe the moment they were inspired to run for office.
Boca Raton Declares State Of Emergency After Person Spotted Outside Past 8 P.M. #~# BOCA RATON, FL—Fielding dozens of calls about a chaotic scene in the city’s four-block shopping district, Boca Raton officials declared a state of emergency Tuesday as numerous sources reported seeing a person standing outside after 8 p.m. “The city of Boca Raton is being put on high alert after a mob of one took to the streets tonight for a casual stroll after sundown,” said mayor Scott Singer, adding that the man recklessly gathering on the sidewalk after dark appeared to have no concern or remorse for the commotion he was causing. “While our own police force is equipped to handle this level of crowd control, it’s important we curb the numbers now before the raucous mob doubles or, god forbid, triples in size—we simply don’t have the resources or the manpower to handle a disorderly throng of two or three. Law enforcement from our neighboring towns have been called in to aid in the dispersal of the congregating individual if needed, but by the time they arrive, it could be as late as quarter after nine.” At press time, several military-style vehicles were rolling through the Palmetto Promenade after authorities spotted the man cutting across the freshly manicured lawn of a residential building to throw something away in their private trash can.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# BOULDER, CO—In the hours following a violent rampage in Colorado in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Kansas resident Andrew Thompson, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Covid-19 Guidelines Recommend No Screaming On Roller Coasters #~# As theme parks prepare to open next month, California’s Attractions and Parks Association is recommending that park officials encourage riders to “mitigate the effects of shouting” on roller coasters to prevent the spread of Covid-19. What do you think?
Miami Beach Extends State Of Emergency Over Spring Break Crowds #~# Miami Beach officials extended the state of emergency and 8 p.m. curfew after struggling to control large and unruly crowds in town for spring break. What do you think?
Report: Nation’s Collapsed Bridges Save Hundreds Of Americans From Jumping Off Them Annually #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Shedding light on the impact of the country’s poorly maintained infrastructure, a report published Monday by the American Transportation Research Institute found that the nation’s collapsed bridges saved hundreds of people from jumping off them annually. “Each year, the widespread degradation of bridges extends the lives of an estimated 850 Americans who, if those structures were still standing, would have flung themselves to their deaths in a moment of despair,” read the report, which cites data confirming that a lack of adequate bridge maintenance was the most reliable form of suicide prevention available in the United States. “Across the country, there are millions of motorists and pedestrians deeply unsatisfied with their lives and unable to see a way out. Every time we repair a bridge and prevent it from falling down, we increase the chances one of those people will choose to kill themselves by plummeting into the icy waters that run below it. However, even when suicide is attempted from one of the 617,000 bridges still standing in America, it usually fails, either because the structure is in such bad shape that no one can walk across it without twisting an ankle, or because the adjoining roads are too badly damaged for a person to reach the bridge in the first place.” The reports ends with a plea for the nation to invest in a humane, accessible mental health care system before it invests in bridges. 
Biden Claims It’s Unfair To Attack Administration Over U.S. Borders That Were Created By James K. Polk #~# WASHINGTON—Blasting the critics of surging migrant detentions, President Joe Biden claimed Monday that it was unfair to attack his administration over borders that former President James K. Polk was responsible for creating. “It’s absurd, we just got here, and now we are being blamed for a lack of transparency around migrant detention even though we obviously inherited this border from Polk,” said Biden, who attacked his critics for ignoring the clear fact that border crossings started 172 years before he took office. “We have a delicate situation here, and we inherited a real mess from the incompetent Polk administration. They started this problem by pushing the border south to the Rio Grande. If you want to blame someone go talk to Winfield Scott and James Buchanan.” At press time, Biden was also dismissing criticism over the minimum wage fight by pointing to inherent flaws of representative democracy he inherited from the 509 B.C. Roman Assembly.
Study Finds Snow Leopards Lead Solitary Lifestyle Because They’re Arrogant Bastards Who Think They’re Better Than Everybody Else #~# PITTSBURGH—Revealing how the big cats came to be such solitary creatures, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University published a study Monday that concluded snow leopards avoid engaging in social behaviors because they’re arrogant bastards who think they’re better than everybody else. “According to our findings, snow leopards primarily reside in mountainous terrain just so they can look down on everyone else from their lofty place up on high,” said Professor James York, adding that he and his team of zoologists had consistently observed members of the Panthera uncia species  being “total assholes” as they lorded their status as apex predators over every other animal in their Central Asian habitat. “It’s unclear when snow leopards evolved this trait, but evidence suggests the attitude may be attributable to feelings of insecurity over their smallish heads and large black spots, which a rival species may once have made fun of them for. What we do know is they’re really difficult to be around and mostly communicate with each other through snide chuffs and grunts. Honestly, just look at a picture of one sometime—you tell by their eyes they think they’re hot shit.” The study builds on related research published last year in which biologists confirmed sea lions will dive to depths of more than 300 meters just to escape the sound of your voice.
The Richest Person In Every State And How They Made Their Money #~# Muhammad Abdullah Khalil Hussain Ar-Rahayyal: Following his hijacking of Pan Am Flight 73 in 1986 that resulted in the death of 20 passengers, Ar-Rahayyal settled down to a quiet life in Montgomery, where he opened a profitable ice cream shop that has since grown into an international multi-billion dollar franchise.
National Support Grows To Give North Dakota’s Statehood To D.C. #~# WASHINGTON—Noting the state’s redundancy within the union, Gallup released a new poll Monday showing national support coalescing behind giving North Dakota’s statehood to Washington, D.C. “We have a use-it-or-lose-it policy and North Dakota hasn’t shown us enough,” said poll participant Andy Larkin, echoing the sentiments of over 300 million Americans who supported making North Dakota a commonwealth in favor of the nation’s capital. “It would take a lot of time and money to come up with a new flag and state motto for D.C., so we can just transfer all that from the Peace Garden State. It’s not like they’ve done anything memorable with their statehood since 1889.” At press time, a new report showed the majority of Americans strongly favored giving New York’s statehood to Puerto Rico. 
Report: You Were Supposed To Be Looking Something Up Right Now #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Hopping online to quickly do, well we don’t quite remember, before ending up here, a new report from Stanford University showed Monday that you were supposed to be looking something up right now. The minutes-long study released today claims that there is definitely a reason you are online right now, but you saw a headline about a YouTube controversy, and then you saw this, and now you have kinda lost your train of thought. Sources  confirmed that this is going to fucking kill you if you don’t remember it, too, because you remember hopping online with a purpose and it was only a few minutes ago, but  maybe you should consider leaving this tab open because this story may have been related to what you were trying to do. The report concluded by suggesting you could rectify the problem by clearing your mind with a few minutes browsing one of our many excellent slideshows.
AI Researcher Warns Deepfake Videos Of Him Cheating On Wife Will Become More Common #~# BOSTON—Commenting upon the growing number of digitally altered images that show him in bed with strange women, Boston University artificial intelligence researcher Lawrence Hynek warned Monday that deepfake videos of him cheating on his wife would only become more common. “Deepfakes that portray me in compromising positions are certain to proliferate in the months and years ahead, so I urge people to view with skepticism any videos in which I appear to be having sex with women I’m not married to,” said Hynek, explaining how deep-learning technology had become so advanced that such depictions could perfectly simulate his specific mannerisms, signifying birthmarks, and even his wedding ring. “You’d be shocked at how these hyperrealistic representations can be mapped onto actors who make it seem as if I’m saying things like, ‘My wife Katherine can never know about this,’ or, ‘Can you come back Tuesday when Katherine’s working late?’ I can’t stress enough that there will be a lot of these, and they will be very convincing. They may include superimposed images that make it look as though I’m fornicating with my lab assistant, my children’s babysitter, various ex-girlfriends I’m still in touch with, prostitutes in my hotel room at that conference in Montreal last year, or my wife’s best friend. So if you ever see a video of me fooling around with Cheryl, my next-door neighbor, please bear in mind how sophisticated these deepfakes have become.” At press time, reports confirmed Hynek was desperately trying to convince his furious wife that she and the private investigators she had hired were actually victims of an ingenious Russian disinformation campaign.
Woman Feeling Pressure To Settle Down With Man Just Because He’s Protagonist In Romantic Comedy #~# NEW YORK—Frustrated that their eventual coupling was taken as a given, local woman Ashley Williams was reportedly feeling pressure Monday to settle down with city planner Ted Bishop just because he’s the protagonist in a romantic comedy. “To be honest, I’ve only spoken to Ted once for less than a minute at that art gallery opening, but now everyone’s acting like the two of us are meant to be just because that’s what the narrative demands,” said Williams, pointing to a lack of shared interests, age difference, and no chemistry beyond a mutual attractiveness as a few of the reasons she was skeptical about a relationship with the film’s main character. “It’s not like he’s put in a lot of effort or done anything in particular to win me over, but with everything pushing us in that direction, I can’t help but wonder if I should just give in. I mean, what are my other options for romance anyway—my zany coworkers? My lousy ex who cheated on me with my roommate in Act One? Plus, it’s not like I’m going to be around forever—the credits will be here in 45 minutes or so and then, boom, that’s it.” At press time, Williams had committed wholeheartedly to Ted after realizing that love is race you can’t run by yourself. 
‘Serial Stowaway’ Arrested For 22nd Time At O’Hare #~# A 69-year-old “serial stowaway” claiming to have successfully slipped onto dozens of flights across the country was arrested for the 22nd time after her ankle monitoring device alerted authorities to her whereabouts at O’Hare International Airport in Chicago. What do you think?
‘I’d Trade All Of This For An NBA Title In A Heartbeat,’ Says Patrick Ewing To Georgetown Players Before First Tournament Game #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Opening up to his team before their first round match up against Colorado, Georgetown head coach Patrick Ewing reportedly told his players Saturday, “I would trade all of this for an NBA title in a heartbeat.” “Whether this is your first March Madness tournament or your last, just know that it ultimately pales in comparison to an NBA title,” said Ewing, arguing that if he had won the Larry O’Brien trophy, he “sure as hell” would not be stuck coaching college basketball. “Let me assure you, I would not even be here if I’d lifted that Finals MVP trophy above my head. I truly believe that this team can compete with anyone, but an NCAA Title would be nothing more than a consolation prize.” At press time, Ewing told his players that cutting down the nets after his NCAA title win in 1984 was one of the most meaningless memories of his life. 
Proposal For Sexual Consent App Sparks Backlash #~# An Australian police official’s suggestion of a phone app that records proof of sexual consent to address the country’s rise in sexual assault has been slammed by women’s rights advocates as naïve, problematic, and inadequate. What do you think?
Man Doesn’t Get Why Big Celebrity Like Green M&M Would Stoop To Doing Commercials #~# SPARTA, OH—Dismayed that such a beloved figure would risk tarnishing her image for a few bucks, local viewer Rodney O’Toole expressed confusion Friday about why a big celebrity like the Green M&M would stoop to doing a commercial. “It just rubs me the wrong way to see a star like her selling out to a major brand,” said O’Toole, noting that the Green M&M could be picking her projects at this point and couldn’t really justify appearing in a national ad campaign outside of a desire to pad her bank account. “I understand that she might want a new beach house or swimming pool or whatever, but exploiting the connection you’ve made with fans to shill for a gigantic, faceless corporation is a drag. It sucks, too, because you just know there are lots of up-and-coming candies out there who could use the money way more than her.” At press time, O’Toole was comforting himself with the notion that at least the Brown M&M would never sacrifice her integrity like that. 
Picture Of Rash Uploaded To Different Subreddit For Second Opinion #~# CLAYTON, NC—Deciding it was better to be safe than sorry, local 25-year-old Michael Locke reportedly uploaded a picture of his rash to a different subreddit Friday in order to get a second opinion on a series of bumps that erupted on his arm overnight. “While I’m inclined to agree with the users of r/AskMedical that my rash is ‘pretty fucked up,’ I think it’s only smart to see what the folks at r/beauty or maybe r/pics think too,” said Locke, who added that he wanted to be completely certain his rash was “mad diseased” before proceeding with the users’ suggested treatment of applying duct tape to the patchy inflammation. “It’s not like the AskMedical guys don’t know their stuff—they have loads of karma, and one of them is even a mod for r/CBD—but even the best Redditors make mistakes sometimes. Honestly, it couldn’t hurt to poke around in some of the alternative medicine subreddits as well. I read somewhere once that you can make a poultice out of charcoal and cod liver oil.” At press time, sources confirmed an increasingly confused Locke was stripping down to take nude photos for a user who claimed they were a nurse.
Marathon Runner Collapses A Little Too Early To Be Compassionately Helped Across Finish Line #~# RALEIGH, NC—Calling the circumstances “a real shame,” sources confirmed Friday that local marathon runner Mark Weber collapsed a little too early to be compassionately helped across the finish line. “I’d be happy to help if, say, he’d collapsed 200 yards from the finish line, but come on, three miles in?” said fellow marathoner Zoe Young, who was just one of hundreds of passing runners who responded to the fallen athlete by casting him a long, sideways glance before continuing to jog along. “That’s not exactly inspirational, is it? Plus, it’s going to look really bad on me if I start helping then have to lay him back on the ground a mile later. And why did he shit his pants? There are Porta Potties everywhere.” At press time, spectators were wondering whether they were supposed to clap after Weber  stumbled back to his feet then immediately sat back down. 
What To Know About The Atlanta Spa Killings #~# A mass shooting on Tuesday that left eight people dead at businesses in the Atlanta area has prompted discussion about the shooter’s motivations and the rise of anti-Asian sentiment in the U.S. The Onion looks at what you need to know about the Atlanta spa killings.
Democrats Signal Openness To Restoring Filibuster To Original Form As Drawn-Out Striptease #~# WASHINGTON—In a sign of growing party consensus on Capitol Hill, reports confirmed Friday that all 50 Senate Democrats have signaled their openness to restoring the filibuster to its original form as a drawn-out and highly provocative striptease act. “The filibuster is nothing but a tool for obstruction without the old rules requiring senators to hold the floor with a slow, exotic dance routine in which they gradually remove all their clothes,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), explaining why he believes the practice of stalling a piece of legislation for hours at a time must be accompanied by a lawmaker seductively peeling off one garment after another, only to hide his or her body from view behind a fan of ostrich feathers until three-fifths of the senators invoke cloture and bring the show to a close. “This is what sets our chamber apart from the House: a rule that empowers the minority to use a gradual buildup of sexual arousal to stop a bill. Say what you will about my colleague Ted Cruz, but when he ripped off his tearaway three-piece suit to Ginuwine’s “Pony” and revealed those pink glitter pasties during his filibuster to defund the Affordable Care Act, we were all impressed with his determination to bump and grind for his principles.” According to congressional aides, Democrats are still debating the smaller details surrounding merkins and nipple tassel requirements.
Study Finds Fewer Americans Than Ever Trust News Bloopers #~# WASHINGTON—Indicating an unprecedented lack of public confidence when it comes to wacky, laugh-out-loud moments inadvertently captured on live television, a new study released Friday by the Pew Research Center found that fewer Americans than ever trust news bloopers. “Our findings indicate less than 30% of U.S. residents now believe in the authenticity of a local news broadcaster tripping and falling on camera or accidentally using a curse word,” read the report, which charts a steady decline over the past decade when it comes to the perceived credibility of various unexpected hijinks, such as a weather reporter who wore green accidentally blending into the green screen behind her or a correspondent getting headbutted by a goat while doing a field piece. “Whether it’s an inappropriate chyron or file photo being displayed during a broadcast or an anchor who doesn’t realize he’s on air getting caught picking his nose, nearly eight in 10 Americans express skepticism over the legitimacy of the slip-ups they’re seeing. Some have even expressed doubts over the integrity of entire news fail compilations.” The study went on to report that the only way to combat this growing trend was to educate the public on how to identify bogus goofs and gaffes when they arise.
Upscale Restaurant Boasts Live Piano Lessons #~# EVANSTON, IL—Talking quietly over the music as they indulged in the swanky atmosphere, diners at local eatery Rinaldo’s Kitchen told reporters Friday they had come for the award-winning cuisine but were sticking around for the delightful sounds of the Michelin-starred restaurant’s live piano lessons. “It’s nice to just sip a glass of wine, sit back, and lose yourself in a very simple melody as it’s played haltingly and with wrong notes 10 or 15 times in a row,” said longtime patron Jennifer Gembler, who closed her eyes and gently swayed as an 10-year-old seated next to a middle-aged teacher stumbled through a series of scales and arpeggios. “Tonight’s packed because it’s Cody’s night. He doesn’t come on until 6:30, but I like to get here early so I can hear Madison. If you slip a dollar into the tip jar, she’ll play a painstaking rendition of ‘Hot Cross Buns.’ Oh, listen—the teacher’s reminding her about ‘All Cows Eat Grass’ because she keeps messing up the left-hand part.” At press time, a smattering of applause was heard from the diners as a student’s mom joined the duo on stage to read a magazine in the corner.
Local Birds Pissed Off Feeder Full Of Tourists #~# TEMPLETON, CA—Jostling for position amid a mass of confused sparrows and warblers, local birds in the backyard of resident George DiMaro expressed frustration Friday that his feeder was full of “goddamn tourists.” “Every March, all these assholes fly past here for a few days, make a huge mess, and end up taking all the good spots at the feeder. It’s bullshit,” said local mountain bluebird Xavier Goodfeather, complaining that the tourists often ran into him while gaping at the big California trees and have no idea how to properly queue up at George’s feeder. “They take all the branches and tree trunks for themselves so a local can’t even find a place to sit down, they shit all over the place—it’s a nightmare. These ovenbirds have no respect for the local community, they just see this as a place where they come for a few days and gorge on dried mealworms. And they think they’re hot shit, too, just because they’re migratory. I tried to be nice and tweet at one of them a few years back and they completely ignored me. Fuck ’em.” At press time, Goodfeather was wildly screeching at an orange crown warbler that had regurgitated its food onto the side of his nest.
Entenmanntologist Pins Rare Raspberry Crème-Filled Pop’ette To Display Under Glass #~# SECAUCUS, NJ—Expressing astonishment to discover such a remarkably intact specimen from the baked treats subgenus, top entenmanntologist Richard Stephens pinned a rare raspberry crème-filled Pop’ette Friday to display under glass. “It took years of searching through some of the least-traveled pastry displays at Wegmans and Kroger, but a find of this magnitude deserves a place of pride in my collection,” said Stephens, marveling at the colorful icing patterns and unique crumble toppings that distinguished this rarely seen example of the delectable species as he attempted to pin it in place next to the preserved remains of a powdered Pop’ette acquired at a distant Stop & Shop off I-95. “Many of my entenmanntological peers believed this variety of Pop’ette went extinct years ago. At last, we have proof that its deliciousness remains untamed.” At press time, Stephens was brushing crumbs from his beard while telling reporters that the Pop’ette had regretfully flown away.
Spanish Police Seize ‘Narco-Sub’ Found In Mediterranean Warehouse #~# Police in Málaga, Spain have seized a 30-foot, semi-submersible vessel designed to smuggle up to 2,000 kilograms of drugs, the first such “narco-submarine” found to have been made in the country. What do you think?
Warner Brothers Releases Extended Snyder-Cut ‘Justice League’ Poster #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling it an expansive new take on the DC Universe that would satisfy fans for years to come, Warner Bros. offered a statement Thursday confirming the official release of the Snyder Cut Justice League poster. “Zack always wanted Justice League’s poster to be much longer  than its original 27-by-40-inch dimensions, and this extended edition delivers on his vision and then some,” said Warner Bros. CEO Ann Charnoff as she unfurled the 50-yard-long poster depicting Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, and the Flash. “Of course, fans will always be able to go back and enjoy the original poster, which Joss Whedon cut down to a more manageable size. But Zack Snyder’s Justice League poster was always about making something huge that fans could keep looking up and down for hours without running out of new details to find—whether it’s Cyborg hidden in the picture’s corner or Easter eggs that hint at exactly what was going on in the poster for Batman v Superman. Trust me: This is going to be a poster that blows fans away.” At press time, Snyder had come under fire after the revelation that the poster barely featured any female characters despite being half the length of a football field.
Zack Snyder Remains Optimistic New ‘Justice League’ Cut Will Be Complete By Time First Viewers Finally Reach Act 3 #~# BURBANK, CA—Calling the project “nearly finished,” director Zack Snyder told reporters Thursday he was optimistic his new Justice League cut would be complete by the time first viewers finally reached act three. “I know millions of excited fans have already begun streaming the film, and I want them to rest assured knowing we’re working around the clock to make sure they don’t finish it before we do,” said Snyder, who promised the franchise’s dedicated fan base that they would love the final product, whatever it turned out to be. “I’ve got Ben Affleck in the recording studio with me now doing a little bit of ADR, but after that we should be good to go. Well, actually, after that there are still several things I’d like to revisit, but I guarantee we’ll get done in time, as long as you pause to take a few bathroom breaks. It wouldn’t hurt to take a 15-minute breather to make some popcorn and get some drinks either.” At press time, Snyder was panicking after realizing he had completely fucked up the aspect ratio.
IRS Pushes Tax Filing Deadline To May 17 #~# The IRS has postponed the tax filing deadline to May 17, allowing filers an extra month to navigate any issues from the pandemic while the agency also grapples with a backlog of 24 million unprocessed 2019 returns. What do you think?
Police Warn Asian Americans To Be On Guard For More Random, Motiveless Attacks #~# ATLANTA—Emphasizing that the shooting rampage that left eight dead around Northern Atlanta may not be an isolated incident, police warned Asian Americans Thursday to be on guard for more random, motiveless attacks. “Given the violent nature of Tuesday’s incident, we urge Asian Americans  to be on high alert for haphazard, unpredictable, and indiscriminate assaults,” said Cherokee County Sheriff Frank Reynolds, adding that all Asian American communities, whether of Chinese, Japanese, East Asian, or Pacific Islander descent, should brace themselves for a potential wave of unmotivated and unconnected attacks with absolutely zero discernible pattern. “Currently, many cities are experiencing a sharp uptick in violent crimes against Asian Americans, including attacks on elders and Asian-owned businesses for no apparent reason. While we have yet to establish a motive or common ideology behind this violence, we urge you to stay alert and vigilant, because these attacks can really come out of nowhere.” At press time, several police departments around the country warned residents to be on guard after they pledged to increase their presence in Asian American neighborhoods.
Movie Adaptations That Strayed From The Books #~# Although most of America’s illiterate buffoons are too dense to realize it, the majority of movies based on existing IP differ wildly from their source material. Rather than asking you numbskulls to pick up a manuscript, here are the biggest film adaptations that strayed from their books. 
Gamers, We’re Not Saying You Shouldn’t Scatter Your Ashes At Super Nintendo World, But You Need To Stagger It Because It Looks Like Pompeii Here #~# Ever since Nintendo announced their plans to open a theme park in Universal Studios Japan, we’ve been waiting with bated breath to explore Peach’s Castle and stomp goombas in an amazing real-world Mario adventures. In fact, we booked our tickets to Osaka immediately after hearing about Super Nintendo World and have been waiting for this week’s grand opening ever since. Unfortunately, now that we’re finally here, we have only one thing to report: Gamers, we absolutely understand the impulse to have your ashes scattered here, but you need to stagger the dates better because right now it looks like fucking Pompeii.
Relationship Experts Recommend Putting Spark Back In Marriage By Letting Them Watch #~# NEW YORK—Stressing that it was natural for excitement in the bedroom to diminish over time, relationship experts recommended Thursday putting the spark back into your marriage by letting them watch. “It’s perfectly normal to lose interest in one’s partner after years spent together, which is why we would urge you to spice things up by letting all of us pack into the corner and watch,” said couples therapist Andrew Layne, adding that he and his fellow researchers promised to be quiet and respectful while they helped your relationship reach a level of intimacy that you had never before felt possible. “C’mon, it’ll really add some zing into your sex life. And, hey, maybe we even record the thing, too. We wouldn’t even watch it, but just knowing it was there would definitely provide the sort of forbidden edge to your sex life that could take it to the next level. So what do you think?” The researchers added that they would be strictly professional about the entire matter, unless you absolutely insisted they join in.
‘Doomscrolling,’ ‘Finna’ Among 600 New Words Added To Dictionary #~# Dictionary.com has added 600 new words to its online database, including words like “doomscrolling” and “overpolice” that reflect major events of the last year and more African American Vernacular English words like “finna.” What do you think?
ESPN Offers $1 Million Prize For Bracket That Correctly Predicts Tournament Cancellation #~# BRISTOL, CT—Bringing back the popular incentive for another year, ESPN announced Wednesday that it would offer a million-dollar prize for the bracket that correctly predicted the NCAA Tournament’s cancellation. “I love a Cinderella story, so I’m picking North Texas to take down the big dogs with a Covid outbreak,” said contest entrant Eric Brookshire, explaining that he favored teams who were playing closer to home as their fans could more readily travel and facilitate a super-spreader event. “I know most brackets will be busted in round one after the NCAA decides to continue to play in spite of positive test results.  You’ve gotta predict the right teams, which round they will reach, and guess which players enter safety protocols first. I’ve got one bracket betting on powerhouses like Kansas and another with all my sleeper picks from states without Covid guidelines. You never know who’s gonna surprise people and shut down the whole tournament.” At press time, Brookshire expressed frustration after his bracket was once again ruined by Michigan State. 
Atlanta Police Rule Out Mass Shooting As Cause Of Death After Suspect Says He Didn’t Shoot Anyone #~# ATLANTA—In a press conference updating the public on the ongoing investigation, the Atlanta Police Department revealed Wednesday that they had ruled out mass shooting as a cause of death after the 21-year-old suspect told officers that he didn’t shoot anyone. “Following an exhaustive interrogation in which we repeatedly asked the suspect if he shot anyone and received a definitive ‘no,’ we can discard our first assumption that this was a mass shooting-based crime,” said Captain Jay Baker, stressing that although his team was working around the clock on where to go from here, this development placed them decisively back at square one. “Of course, some will question our approach—that’s why we did our due diligence and asked several times if he was absolutely sure, because it would look really bad if we didn’t follow every loose end. But he told us he was positive that he didn’t shoot anyone. That was really reassuring for the whole force. He was there at the massage parlors, after all. Who knows what happened better than him?” Reynolds added that, as an extra precaution, the suspect would  need to sign his own statement saying he hadn’t shot anyone before they dismissed his charges and let him head home.
Intelligence Report: Russia, Iran Tried To Influence 2020 Presidential Election #~# A U.S. intelligence report found that Russia and Iran engaged in multi-faceted, covert influence campaigns during the 2020 presidential election with the intent to “undermine public confidence in the electoral process and U.S. institutions, and sow division and exacerbate societal tensions in the U.S.” What do you think?
The Onion’s Guide To NFTs #~# Non-fungible tokens, or NFTs, recently attracted mainstream attention after an NFT artwork sold at auction for $69 million, and many people are struggling to understand what NFTs actually are. The Onion provides a helpful guide to understanding the basics of NFTs.
Russia Confirms They Participated In 2020 Election After Constantly Hearing It Most Important Election Of Lifetime #~# MOSCOW—Responding to allegations that the country interfered with the outcome of the U.S. presidential race last year, Russia confirmed that they only participated in the 2020 election after constantly hearing it was the most important election of our lifetimes. “You can only hear people exclaim that absolutely everything is at stake in the 2020 election for so many years before you decide that you shouldn’t skip out on something so important,” said Russian president Vladimir Putin, adding that if the election was going to determine the future of America’s place in the world for years to come like so many pundits and politicians claimed, then it wouldn’t be right for Russia not to make their voice heard. “We were a little skeptical at first, because we remember getting involved in the 2016 election after people were calling that one the most important elections of our lifetimes, and it seems pretty weird that this could be true two elections in a row. But once we heard over and over and over again that this election would be a referendum on the soul of America, and that no one had a right to just sit at home and do nothing, we decided we ought to get involved. If we had to be honest, it was probably the 15,000th email from Nancy Pelosi that finally convinced us.” Russian officials added that they were beginning to question their own participation in the election, however, noting that despite so many people saying that everything rode on its outcome, it didn’t seem like much of anything was really going to change.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# ATLANTA—In the hours following a violent rampage in Georgia in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and injured one other, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Iowa resident Jamie Harkin, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Embarrassed Woman Hopes Coworkers Didn’t Catch Her Bashing Forehead Into Keyboard #~# DENVER—Embarrassed by the momentary slip, local woman Allison Brezina told reporters Wednesday that she hoped her coworkers hadn’t caught her bashing her forehead into her keyboard. “It was just for a second, and I don’t think anyone saw, but still—ugh,” said Brezina, who cringed as she imagined the off chance a coworker had noticed her slamming her head into the computer keyboard while attempting to close the laptop shut on her head and releasing a loud, guttural cry. “I guess I do it so much when I’m at home alone that I didn’t even think about it. Whatever, even if someone did happen to notice, it’s not like they would care. I can’t imagine anyone shaming me just because there’s some blood trickling down my head.” At press time, Brezina was still too caught up worrying to notice a coworker tearing off his shirt and leaping through the fourth-floor window.
More States Expanding Hunting Season To Combat Rising French Bulldog Population #~# FALLS CHURCH, VA—Estimating that as many as tens of thousands of the animals were currently running rampant, a new report from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service issued Wednesday found that more states were expanding their hunting seasons to combat the rising French bulldog population. “The French bulldog population has grown uncontrollably over the past few years, overrunning our nation’s neighborhoods, dog parks, and city streets, and we applaud states’ efforts to cull the breed,” said agency director Aurelia Skipwith, who recommended that Americans protect their homes from the pests by caulking all doggy doors and not leaving foods like cheese and peanut butter out overnight. “They’re dirty, they’re diseased, and they’re disgusting. Plus, they’re a major threat to Labrador retrievers and German shepherds. We don’t want these malformed beasts interbreeding and infecting the rest of the dog population. Hopefully, eliminating a few thousand of these pups will allow other breeds to flourish.” At press time, officials added a stern reminder that the too-cute-for-words English bulldog was strictly off limits. 
Sackler Family Feels Full Impact Of Opioid Epidemic After Seeing Spot On Tarmac Where Private Jet Used To Be #~# BOCA RATON—Taking in the irrevocable loss that $4 billion in settlements had left, the Sackler family reportedly began to feel the full impact of the opioid epidemic Wednesday after seeing the spot on the tarmac where their private jet used to be. “It’s just not fair to have something so precious taken from us so unexpectedly,” said David Sackler, holding his wife and children tightly as they looked away from the empty lot that was too harrowing a sight to bear. “Only a few months ago, we were all so happy, zipping through the sky without a care in the world, and then suddenly—boom—our Learjet is gone, just gone, leaving nothing but a hole in our asset sheet where it once was.” At press time, a sobbing David Sackler resolved to do whatever he could to make sure no one would ever, ever take away his family’s helicopter, yacht, or ski chalets.
Yo-Yo Ma Performs Surprise Concert For Vaccine Recipients #~# After getting his second dose of the Covid-19 vaccine, famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma entertained those still waiting in line at the vaccination site with a short impromptu concert. What do you think?
American Media Banned In Other Countries #~# Given the many disgusting books, websites, and TV shows available in the United States, it should come as no surprise that governments abroad choose to keep them under lock and key. Here are several pieces of American media banned in other countries.
Loving Support: This Man Brought His Xbox To The Delivery Room So His Wife Could Watch Him Play ‘Assassin’s Creed’ While In Labor #~# Gamers, if there’s anything we know about parenting, it’s that marriage is a team effort. That’s why we were so moved by the heartwarming story of  a man who loved his wife so much that he brought his Xbox Series X to the delivery room so she could watch him play Assassin’s Creed Valhalla while in labor.
Biden Begs Migrants Not To Come To U.S. Until There Enough Cells To Imprison Everyone #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that his administration was doing everything in its power to remedy the situation, President Joe Biden gave a speech Wednesday in which he begged South and Central American migrants not to come to the United States until there were enough jail cells to imprison everyone. “To every man, woman, and child thinking of crossing the border, I urge you to wait until we have the resources in place to intercept, arrest, and incarcerate all of you,” said Biden, who added that the Department of Homeland Security would be working around the clock to erect enough tents, holding pens, and interrogation rooms to accommodate what is expected to be the highest yearly number of apprehensions at the border in the past two decades. “In just a few months’ time, I’m confident we’ll have the cement floors, thin blankets, and barbed wire we need to keep everybody locked up for weeks, if not months, at a time. Believe me, you don’t want to show up here right now, with everyone all crammed together and stacked on top of one another. Just be patient. Soon we’ll have so many new detention centers along our southern border you won’t even recognize the place.” Biden also issued an appeal specific to asylum seekers, asking them not to make the arduous journey north until the United States had enough planes gassed up and ready to take them back to where they came from the moment they arrived. 
NASA Discovers Scared Asteroid Wandering Through Space Without Its Parents #~# WASHINGTON—Speculating that the small rocky body had strayed from its home to follow a nearby planet’s gravitational pull, NASA announced Tuesday that they had found a scared asteroid wandering through space without its parents. “When we found this poor little guy in a dark corner of space, it was alone and clearly frightened to be so far away from its mom and dad and the rest of its astral family,” said agency administrator Steve Jurczyk, stressing that he and his team intended to keep their distance in order to avoid spooking the small 33-foot-wide asteroid and to make it clear that they were there to help. “Space is not the safest place for a sweet fella like this. Heck, it could have wandered into a black hole or worse. Thankfully, it’s all tuckered out and resting now. In the morning, we’re hoping to get it back to the Kuiper Belt where it belongs.” Jurczyk added that, ultimately, if the agency could not get the asteroid back to its parents, several engineers had expressed interest in adopting it.
Saints Quarterback Drew Brees Retires After 20 Seasons #~# New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees has announced his retirement after a 20-season NFL career that included the franchise’s only Super Bowl victory in 2006, less than a year after Hurricane Katrina devastated the city. What do you think?
Bible Scholars Say Early Mistranslation Distorted Story Of Jesus Crucifying The Romans #~# OXFORD, ENGLAND—Following their discovery of a simple grammatical mistake that had gone undetected by Christians until now, a consortium of biblical scholars announced Tuesday that the Latin Vulgate translation of the New Testament had completely distorted the story of Jesus crucifying the Romans. “A careful study of the Synoptic Gospels in their original Greek plainly shows how Jesus of Nazareth led an angry mob that humiliated, tortured, and ultimately crucified members of the Roman army,” said Oxford research fellow Clement Atherton, explaining that a translator’s mix-up of passive and active voice had led generations of the faithful to misunderstand the Passion, in which Jesus crowns Roman centurions with thorns, nails them to crosses, and pierces their sides with a lance. “Similarly, we found that an improper pronoun placement passed down through the centuries has resulted in most Christians failing to grasp that the Last Supper was a meal during which Jesus and His apostles feasted upon the body and blood of their enemies. Clearly, we may need to reevaluate some of our ideas about the Son of God, especially now that our scholarship has revealed how Christ actively incited a crowd on the Mount of Olives to stone an adulterer to death.” Atherton went on to state that the gospel story of Jesus causing a herd of pigs to become possessed by demons and run off a cliff to their death was, however, perfectly translated.
The 36 Members Of BTS #~# One of the key members of the band, it was V who came up with the idea that they should all look really cute and be good at dancing.
Widow Just Wishes Husband Could Hear All The Rote Pleasantries Funeral Goers Have To Say About Him #~# ELKTON, MD—Explaining that the hollow gestures of sympathy would  certainly bring tears to his eyes, local widow Gina Hasapis told  reporters Tuesday that she just wished her late husband could hear all  the rote pleasantries that funeral attendees said about  him. “Oh, if only my Martin could hear you pay forced,  insincere respects,” said Hasapis, adding that her partner of 30 years  would have truly been touched to hear his coworkers and acquaintances  make vague remembrances about he was “great to have in meetings” and “a  really nice guy.” “He always hoped that people who felt obliged to attend his funeral would say things  that could literally apply to any other person. And gosh, if only he  could see all the gorgeous flowers everyone clearly bought last minute  at the grocery store on their way here.” At press time, Hasapis said she knew her deceased husband was up in heaven,  looking down at all the guests repeatedly checking the time to see if  it’s okay for them to duck out of the reception.
Study Shows Runner’s High Caused By Cannabis-Like Biochemicals #~# A new study shows the euphoric feeling runners get known as “runner’s high” is not due to endorphins but to the release of endocannabinoids, marijuana-like biochemicals that cause the floaty, blissful feelings in orgasms. What do you think?
Zookeepers Confirm Pandas Not Mating Because They’re Scared Of Messing Up Friendship #~# MEMPHIS, TN—Citing the complications that a sexual relationship inevitably brings, officials at the Memphis Zoo confirmed Monday that giant pandas Ya Ya and Le Le had not mated because they were both worried about messing up their friendship. “While securing the future of their species is absolutely crucial, it could never be worth risking what they have together as friends,” said senior curator Andrew Wentz, who praised the Chinese pandas for the maturity they had displayed in resisting “one cheap night of pleasure” in favor of the far greater rewards of a platonic friendship characterized by loyalty and mutual respect. “As zookeepers, we’d love nothing more than to have a few little cubs running around the habitat, but we completely respect their decision. We’re just glad their friendship survived that time Le Le made a pass at Ya Ya in the feeding pen. She didn’t reciprocate, and thankfully he backed off right away, before things could get too weird.” Wentz noted this was especially fortunate considering the pandas haven’t seen any other members of their species for a couple decades and have to share space that, when you’re a giant bear, gets kind of tight. 
Top NFL Free Agents Of 2021 #~# Clearly not a Hall of Fame-caliber player given that the Lions failed to drive him into early retirement at 30.
Beyoncé, Taylor Swift Make Grammy History #~# Beyoncé broke the record for most Grammy wins by a female artist after receiving her 28th award at the 63rd annual Grammys, while Taylor Swift became the first woman to win album of the year three times. What do you think?
Report: Most NFL Teams Just 1 Or 2 Overpriced Free Agents Away From Super Bowl Victory #~# NEW YORK—Several leading football analysts confirmed Wednesday that most NFL teams are just one or two ridiculously overpriced free agent signings away from a Super Bowl victory. “Giving out a bloated contract to an aging pass rusher or promising a ton of guaranteed money to a declining wide receiver with a history of injuries is all it takes to push a franchise over the top,” said ESPN NFL analyst Bill Polian, adding that even the worst team in the league would become an instant contender for the Lombardi Trophy by wasting most of their salary cap on a couple of unproven or overhyped defenders. “As we’ve seen time and time again, an NFL general manager can be assured of a Super Bowl championship solely by recklessly blowing a colossal amount of cash on a high-profile washed-up veteran or two. Especially if those way-past-their-prime players are expected to switch from their natural positions.” Polian also said that any team that spends $100 million in the offseason on players over 30 is guaranteed to have an NFL dynasty for at least three years.
Florida Attempts To Increase Vaccinations By Leaving Loose Syringes Around Beaches #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to overcome vaccine hesitancy and reduce spread of the coronavirus, Florida announced a new program Monday that aims to increase immunizations by scattering hundreds of thousands of loose hypodermic needles on beaches throughout the state. “In order to reach Floridians who have refused inoculation, we will be hiding syringes filled with the Covid vaccine across Miami Beach, Cocoa Beach, Henderson Beach State Park, Key West, and other highly trafficked spots along our shoreline,” said Gov. Ron DeSantis, who noted that state health officials had worked around the clock to implement the plan before spring break, burying the needles beneath thin layers of sand or positioning them so they poke out between the planks of a boardwalk. “We hope a lot of people will get pricked accidentally while socializing at their favorite party beach, stopping to pick up a pretty seashell, or sitting back to relax with a drink in their hand and their toes in the sand. But please keep in mind that while these mass vaccination beaches will be open 24/7, it is first stabbed, first served.” DeSantis added that if Sunshine Staters wished to cover the small puncture wound left by their accidental injection, they should be able to find plenty of loose Band-Aids washing ashore nearby. 
‘It’s Good To Practice Some Self Care,’ Says Man Kicking Back And Letting Last Chance At Happiness And Success Slip Away #~# PORTLAND, OR—Frittering away his last possible chance at happiness and success, area man Graham Aniston told reporters Monday that “it’s good to  practice some self care” while kicking back. “Sometimes, when  you’re really burned out, the best thing you can do is take some  time off and just relax,” said Aniston, inadvertently sacrificing his final  shot at fulfilling his life’s dreams and, in turn, any chance he had to  find true contentment and self actualization. “It’s good to know when to  hit pause [and completely miss your last opportunity to lead a  meaningful, satisfying existence]. You gotta take a break at some point,  after all [and resign yourself to a life of dreary mediocrity that will  ultimately leave you feeling hollow and regretful while your peers all  excel beyond their wildest imaginations].” At press time, Aniston turned off his phone to unplug for a while, causing him to miss a  call that would’ve forever altered the course of his life by putting him  on a path towards achieving his destiny.
Netflix Runs Test Cracking Down On Password Sharing #~# Netflix is testing a new feature that prompts viewers to verify account ownership, leading to speculation over a future crackdown on the password sharing that’s practiced by one third of its 200 million subscribers. What do you think?
The 63rd Annual Grammy Awards: A Recap #~# Full article.
Sighing Janitor Once Again Called In To Mop Up Puddle Of Megan Thee Stallion Pussy Juice #~# LOS ANGELES—Shaking his head as he rolled his bucket on stage and set up yellow “wet floor” signs, Grammy’s janitor Marko Pavlović let out a pained sigh Sunday after once again being called in to mop up a puddle of Megan Thee Stallion’s pussy juice. “Oh my god, not again—it’s like the second I’m finished cleaning up one of her messes, she goes backstage, loads up, and leaves lady froth all over the damn place,” said Pavlović, wringing out his fully saturated mop, covering the dance floor in a layer of saw dust, and spraying copious amounts anti-odor spray into the air as the song “Body” played in the background. “I...don’t understand. This is the fourth time it’s happened, and that’s not even counting the rehearsal, where I was ankle deep in her clam sauce. At the very least, don’t do it on the stage right before BTS is supposed to go on. Someone could slip and break their neck.” At press time, Pavlović could be heard screaming after Megan Thee Stallion’s pussy juice seeped through the walls, causing lights to short out and leave the entire Staples Center in darkness.
Taylor Swift Forced To Perform Songs In Public Domain At Grammys After Losing Rights To Albums Again #~# LOS ANGELES—Hastily improvising a new set list just minutes before the live broadcast, Taylor Swift was forced to perform songs in the public domain at Sunday’s Grammy Awards after losing the rights to her albums again. “Most Swifties were expecting to see her perform ‘Cardigan,’ but Taylor decided to show her naughty side with ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep’ instead,” said fan club moderator Tatyana Webb, explaining that another contract dispute with Scooter Braun could be behind the pop star’s decision to forgo songs from Evermore and Folklore in favor of stripped-down public domain standards such as “Hot Crossed Buns” and “A-Tisket A-Tasket”. “She started out a little slow and then transitioned into full-fledged, up-tempo numbers like ‘Everybody Loves My Baby’. And she brought so much passion into the 1892 number ‘Daddy Wouldn’t Buy Me A Bow-Wow’. Go off, queen.” At press time, Swift fans and tabloid journalists were speculating if her performance of “Yankee Doodle Boy” alluded to a romance with native New Yorker Timothée Chalamet. 
BTS Thanks Horrifyingly Exploitative System That Got Them Where They Are Today #~# LOS ANGELES—In an emotional speech touching on all the factors behind their meteoric rise, global pop superstars BTS expressed their heartfelt thanks at Sunday night’s Grammy Awards for the deeply exploitative system that got them where they are today. “Everyone in the band just wants to give our heartfelt appreciation to the corporations and shareholders who never gave up on draining us of all personality and remaking us us into easily interchangeable commercial objects,” said band member RM, speaking on behalf of the K-pop group as he stressed that it had been the honor of his life to be neutered of all trace of sexuality to help keep the wheels of the global music machine greased. “Obviously, I have to acknowledge the swarm of people monitoring my every move to keep me from shattering the carefully crafted image this behemoth has made for me. Shout-out to my manager who keeps me imprisoned within this facade to juice the fantasies of fangirls. I think I speak for everyone when I say that becoming a cog in the K-pop industry was the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. Alright, thank you so much! Woo!” At press time, a triumphant Jin had tacked on his appreciation to all the members of their fanbase who would completely lose all interest in him the moment he turned 30.
Recording Academy Reminds Nominees You Can Crank Little Arm On Statue To Hear Supertramp’s ‘Breakfast In America’ #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—Pointing out the often-overlooked feature of the awards, the Recording Academy reminded nominees Sunday that they can crank the little arm on the statue to hear Supertramp’s Breakfast In America. “While it’s certainly not the most exciting thing about winning a Grammy, the gilded gramophone playing all 10 tracks of Supertramp’s 1979 award-winning album is a fun little addition we don’t want anyone to miss out on,” said interim president of the Recording Academy Harvey Mason Jr., instructing potential winners to turn the handle to enjoy the album’s upbeat pop hits like “The Logical Song” and “Goodbye Stranger.” “Even though the sound isn’t great quality, it’s still a neat interactive bonus that gives everyone something extra to look forward to when they win. So, if you decide to give it a whirl, I suggest trying to turn the crank at a smooth 75 beats per minute for ultimate effect.” At press time, Mason interrupted the award show to ask recent recipients to stop playing their statuettes during the broadcast.
Biden Signs $1.9 Trillion Covid Relief Bill #~# President Biden signed into law the $1.9 trillion coronavirus economic relief package aimed at helping the country recover from the pandemic and includes up to $1,400 in direct payments to individuals. What do you think?
New Technology Allows Police To See What Suspects Would Look Like Riding Rock ’N’ Roller Coaster #~# ORLANDO—Hailing the advanced imaging machinery as a breakthrough in law enforcement, officials held a press conference Friday to tout new technology that allows police to see what suspects would look like while riding the Rock ’N’ Roller Coaster. “This advanced tech will help officers collar perpetrators by giving them a clear picture of these dangerous individuals rocking out to tunes as they accelerate from zero to 57 MPH in only 2.8 seconds,” said Police Chief Pat Reynolds, confirming that the technology would be able to identify potential criminals even if they attempted to disguise themselves by pulling a funny face, dabbing, or holding up a “Will You Marry Me?” sign. “Lawbreakers who flee the scene may think that they’ve escaped justice, but within minutes of getting a description, we’ll be able to send out a photo to all officers in the area showing exactly what they’d look like taking a stretch limo  across Los Angeles on their way to a big Aerosmith gig.” Reynolds added that developers were close to imaging technology that would show what a missing victim looked like after being followed home by a hitchhiking ghost.
Man Starting To Understand What NFTs Are After Dropping $69 Million On Beeple Artwork #~# OLYMPIA, WA—Revealing his identity as the winning bidder in the record-breaking Christie’s auction, local venture capitalist Ian Engel told reporters Friday that since spending $69.3 million on a collage by the digital artist known as Beeple, he had finally begun to understand what NFTs are. “Now that I’ve dipped my toes into the market with this first investment, I’m starting to get a handle on what nonfungible tokens—that’s what it stands for, it turns out—are all about,” said Engel, who, after hearing friends talking about how the emerging asset class might make a sophisticated addition to their portfolios, decided to look into NFTs by spending tens of millions of dollars on one that consisted of an image available for free online. “It turns out it’s not an actual token you can hold in your hand, which was disappointing at first. Fortunately, though, it uses blockchain, and that’s really hot right now. If this goes well, then in the future I may put some actual serious money into these NFTs.” Engel went on to state that in addition to being a potentially interesting investment vehicle, the NFT also came with a bunch of pictures he could look at.
Senator Can’t Believe It’s Already Been A Year Since He Boosted Stock Portfolio With Classified Coronavirus Information #~# WASHINGTON—Reflecting on his experience during the pandemic, Senator Richard Burr told reporters Friday he couldn’t believe that it’s already been a year since he boosted his stock portfolio with classified coronavirus information. “Everything happened so fast—one minute I was sitting in what I thought would be a regular Senate briefing, and the next I was frantically calling my broker with a list of stocks to sell off,” said Burr (R-NC), adding that it felt like just yesterday he was told how serious the Covid pandemic would be and how he rushed to enrich himself with that information before anyone else found out. “It’s crazy to think how much my stock portfolio changed that day, and I can’t believe I’ve spent a whole year feeling relieved I dumped all that hotel stock in time. I remember talking to some other senators, and we were all frantically trying to research the tech companies that were best positioned to increase their value off of all the lifestyle changes we found out were coming.” Burr added he was just thankful that the nation’s medical experts impressed on him just how serious the pandemic would be back in February 2020. 
Bill Walton’s Diatribe About Negative Energy Fields Most Accurate Thing Announcers Have Said All Game #~# LAS VEGAS—Claiming that the flow of their chakras were responsible for both teams’ inaccuracy at the free-throw line, Bill Walton’s diatribe about negative energy fields during Friday’s PAC-12 tournament was still the most accurate thing any announcer or analyst had said all game. “You can just feel Oregon State responding to Gianni [Hunt]’s distressing vibrations, it’s a huge problem for them right now,” said Walton, launching into a rambling, five-minute analysis of the karmic implications of a hard foul coming back to bite Oregon that was more on base than any of the other announcers’ guesses at either teams’ leadership structure, play calling, or the need to “get tough,” on defense. “Wallowing in these lower-tier emotions is having a seriously draining effect on the whole team. Their root energy is completely out of balance and they are never going to start hitting more threes until they address that. I would suggest some serious acupuncture and aromatherapy at halftime if they want to stay in this.” At press time, Walton’s story about wandering through the Egyptian desert with Grateful Dead bassist Phil Lesh was providing more insight than Oregon coach Dana Altman’s suggestion that the team needed to “stay disciplined,” in the second half.
Biden Announces Americans Will Be Able To Do What They Did At Christmas By July 4 #~# WASHINGTON—Instilling hope that the end of the pandemic was in sight, President Joe Biden announced Thursday that Americans could expect to do what they did at Christmas by July 4. “If we do this together, there’s a good chance you’ll be able to treat yourself to a small gathering with family and friends, just like what you did three months ago because it was a holiday and you wanted a break,” said Biden in his first prime-time address as president,  promising his administration was working around the clock to ensure that Americans could go do the exact same thing they did in December but with significantly less shame. “Keep in mind though, we mean small gatherings with a few family members and close friends. This won’t be like Thanksgiving when you hopped on a plane despite CDC warnings and congregated with your entire extended family and saw dozens of old high school classmates.” At press time, millions of Americans were looking forward to celebrating the good news at upcoming St. Patrick’s Day parties and bar crawls. 
Hey Gamers, Our Source Inside Nintendo Disappeared And We Just Received His Gaming Hand In A Box So Don’t Expect Any News For A While #~# Readers, for decades you’ve come to OGN for the latest news and inside scoops about Nintendo. Unfortunately, today we received an indication that our reporting about the legendary console maker and developer may need to be put on hold. You see, our undercover source at the company disappeared last week, and  we’ve just received a box with his severed gaming hand inside. The sad takeaway here is you shouldn’t expect any leaks from us about Nintendo  for the foreseeable future.
Humanitarian Aid Just Guns Again #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Local residents in the war-torn Afghan city were disappointed but not surprised Friday after a new U.S. shipment of humanitarian aid was reportedly just guns again. “We arrived here for the convoy early this morning hoping there’d be some clean water or food or something, but nope—just another large cache of guns,” said local mother of three Nahidah Fazluddin after a U.S. contractor distributing aid gave her a machine gun like the dozen she already had at home. “You figure after six straight gun shipments we’d be due for some basic medical supplies. At first, when I saw all the crates of ammunition, I hoped they were just keeping sacks of rice from sliding around underneath, but it turned out that it was ammunition all the way down. We keep gently trying to suggest that there can be more to humanitarian aid than just more guns, but I guess guns is just what they’ve got. I’m not really sure what my starving children are supposed to do with these pistol grips. I even had my son bring a few of our extra rifles to see if we could trade them for some kind of grains, but I guess we’ll have to try again next month.” At press time, Fazluddin conceded that the box of body armor the humanitarian aid convoy issued her technically qualified as new clothing.
What’s In The Third Covid Relief Bill #~# After passing Congress on partisan lines, a $1.9 trillion relief bill, the third of the coronavirus pandemic, was signed by President Joe Biden on Thursday. The Onion looks at what’s in the new relief bill.
GOP Strategist Reminds Legislators There’s No Bad Ideas For Suppressing Black Vote #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to get the “blue-sky” brainstorming session off to a productive start, GOP strategist Chuck Harpster reportedly reminded a group of state legislators from around the country Friday that there were no bad ideas when it came to suppressing the Black vote. “Don’t worry about budgets or logistics—for the purposes of this meeting, let’s just imagine there are absolutely no restrictions on how we can go about disenfranchising millions of Black people,” said Harpster, urging lawmakers to think outside the box and remarking that there was no right or wrong way to systematically undermine the constitutional rights of African Americans. “I don’t want to hear purging the voter rolls or making them stand in longer lines. That’s old hat, and we need fresh thinking; maybe there’s some sort of separate line for Black people, and then their ballots get fed directly into an incinerator. Maybe we send out letters telling them their polling place has moved to China. Maybe we go to all the voting sites in Black neighborhoods and install teeny-tiny doors that no one can get through without crawling on their hands and knees, and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze. I’m just batting around ideas here. Let’s hear some of yours.” At press time, sources confirmed a state senator from Georgia had raised his hand and observed that in his father’s day, a pretty effective strategy had been simply threatening to kill any Black person who attempted to vote. 
Alaska First State To Expand Vaccine Eligibility To 16 And Older #~# Alaska recently became the first state to expand eligibility for the coronavirus vaccine, making immunization available to anyone 16 years of age or older who lives or works in the state. What do you think?
Image Of Jack Skellington With Particularly Wicked Smile Suggests T-Shirt Wearer Not Your Typical Disney Fan #~# HASTINGS, NY—Pointing to the alarming picture as a sign that something was unmistakably amiss, sources confirmed Thursday that an image of Jack Skellington with a particularly wicked smile suggested that a local T-shirt wearer was not your typical Disney fan. “It’s clear from looking at the face of the Nightmare Before Christmas protagonist with his teeth bared and his eyes glaring that the man wearing this shirt has tastes that tend towards the dark and disturbing,” said observer Taryn Greene, noting that the presence of the Tim Burton character in the throes of ghoulish delight left little doubt that if the man wearing it took a trip to Disneyland, he would completely ignore the bright and upbeat attractions in favor of The Haunted Mansion or Snow White’s Scary Adventures rides. “It wouldn’t surprise me at all to learn that this deviant individual’s home is overrun with posters and merchandise celebrating the likes of Ursula, Captain Hook, and some of the other most reprehensible villains in the Disney canon.” At press time, Greene was reportedly chilled to her very bones after the man put on a baseball cap emblazoned with the words “Twilight Zone Tower Of Terror.”
Instagram Trick-Shot Star Getting Pretty Good At Not Holding Down Actual Job #~# NORTH HOLLYWOOD, CA—Pulling back the curtain on the effort it takes to run the fleetingly successful account, Instagram trick-shot star Dylan Baker told reporters Thursday that he was getting pretty good at not holding down an actual job. “It takes a lot of practice to get this good at contributing nothing to society,” said Baker, revealing that he got the idea to shoot a basketball atop a cliffside while avoiding calls from his mother urging him to please help with his father’s struggling landscaping business. “It’s not easy to rely on your friends and family for your financial support while you hit a ping pong ball through a rotating net. Coming up with 10 videos a week can feel pretty daunting, but eventually you get used to having an unlimited amount of time and resources to put them together. Sometimes, I don’t even have to get out of bed—I just chuck a football out my window and into a basketball hoop in the background. The real hard work is all time you gotta spend begging for money in the comments section of more popular accounts.” At press time, Baker’s family had called off an intervention after seeing one of his videos go viral.
Arkansas Passes Near-Total Abortion Ban #~# Arkansas has passed a near-total abortion ban into law with no exceptions for rape or incest, a sweeping measure abortion opponents hope will force the majority conservative Supreme Court to revisit Roe v. Wade. What do you think?
More Americans Putting Off Marriage To Focus On Making Nachos In The Microwave #~# WASHINGTON—A new study from the Pew Research center released Thursday found that more Americans were putting off marriage in order to focus on making nachos in the microwave. “After studying thousands of couples across the country, our researchers found that younger generations are overwhelmingly deciding to postpone their nuptials in order to pile a plate high with chips, throw on some shredded cheese, and pop that bad boy in the microwave for 30 to 45 seconds,” said lead researcher Dr. Alan Jehnsen, adding that rather than rushing into marriage, Americans opted to spend the majority of their 20s and early 30s layering Tostitos with different prepackaged ingredients, experimenting with cook time, and perfecting the ratio of chip-to-salsa-to-cheese. “While it may seem odd to baby boomers, millennials overwhelmingly preferred to stand beside a microwave, watching whatever cheese they had in the fridge melt than stand beside a spouse at the altar. In fact, the  pressures of adding crumbled ground beef, pickled jalapeños, chopped tomatoes, or a dollop of sour cream even led to Americans shirking the institution altogether.” At press time, Dr. Jehnsen added that Americans were also putting off having children in order to focus on boiling several hot dogs, placing them inside store-bought buns, and covering them in ketchup.
Grieving War Widow Finds Comfort In Wings Of Drone That Served With Husband #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Saying the weapons platform’s hovering embrace was a great comfort and a source of solace in a difficult time, grieving war widow Jessica Haylock reportedly found comfort Thursday in the wings of a drone that served in Afghanistan with her late husband, USMC specialist Brandon Haylock. “After Bran died, I floundered a bit until MQ-9 Reaper showed up and started gently orbiting the house,” said Haylock, who said it was “a godsend” to be able to share her memories with the unmanned combat vehicle who spent several tours of duty with her late husband. “I confess it’s good to have a tireless, mission-driven automaton around the house to help with the chores. And MQ-9 Reaper is so great with the kids. Do you know, the other day, Brandon Junior actually called it Daddy? I was a little hesitant after things ended so badly with the bomb-sniffing dog, but it’s different with the drone. And if I’m being honest, the sex is incredible.” Mrs. Haylock would not comment on rumors that MQ-9 Reaper had, in fact, deployed the bomb that killed her husband.
Duke Basketball Attempts To Lure Bronny James By Offering To Help Family With Rent, Utilities #~# DURHAM, NC—In an effort to attract one of the most sought-after prospects in the 2023 recruiting class, sources close to the Duke University basketball program revealed Thursday that scouts attempted to lure LeBron “Bronny” James Jr. to the school by offering to help pay his family’s rent and utility bills. “We want Bronny to know that his family will be taken care of while he’s on campus,” said a source who spoke on the condition of anonymity, revealing that the college basketball powerhouse offered to purchase James a “slightly used” Toyota RAV4 for transportation. “It’s obviously not a practice we like to promote, but when you have top prospects like this, you just have to go above and beyond. We want to demonstrate to his parents that he’ll be in safe hands at Duke. We’re trying to show Bronny some of the finer things in life, too, so we took him to a local steakhouse and let him order whatever he wanted.” At press time, Duke basketball was hemorrhaging money after attempting to pay the electricity bill on the James family’s Beverly Hills estate.
Biden Dogs Sent Back To Delaware Following ‘Biting Incident’ #~# President Biden’s two German shepherds were sent back home to Delaware after the youngest of the dogs, Major, had what sources described as a “biting incident” involving a member of White House security. What do you think?
Trump Loses Last Election Appeal #~# Former President Trump lost his last challenge of the 2020 election results when the Supreme Court refused to hear his final appeal, bringing the total number of failed legal attempts by Trump and his allies to more than 60. What do you think?
Health Officials Warn It’s Still Too Early To Stop Languishing In State Of Unceasing Despair #~# ATLANTA—Urging the nation to remain vigilant in its continued commitment to utter despondency, health officials nationwide warned Wednesday that it was still too early for Americans to stop languishing in a state of unceasing despair. “We know it’s been tempting to return to a slightly more positive outlook in recent months, but we highly recommend remaining trapped in a morass of depression for the foreseeable future,” said Director Rochelle Walensky, noting that it was premature for citizens to experience any glimmers of hope when they should be focusing their energy on barely keeping their heads above water as they try not to fully succumb to the darkness. “We know it’s been a challenging year, but if we start feeling like life might possibly be worth living at this stage, then this pandemic may never end.” Walensky added that if these guidelines were followed, it was possible Americans could begin returning to a numb stupor in the next few months. 
Secret Service Worry Major Biden’s Behavior Influenced By Time Spent On Far-Right Dog Forums #~# WASHINGTON—Searching for answers in the wake of multiple violent  incidents involving the German shepherd, Secret Service agents told  reporters Wednesday that they remained concerned that Major Biden’s  recent behavior had been influenced by time spent on far-right dog  forums. “It starts out innocently enough with following a squeak toy meme  account, but slowly dogs like Major get sucked into much more toxic  forums, often with rabid anti-veterinarian sentiment,” said Secret  Service director James M. Murray, adding that such websites often target  pups as young as 6 months old with bigoted messages about the purity of  thoroughbred bloodlines and inherent cultural inferiority of mutts.  “What’s insidious is these reactionary forums groom their young members  with treats, belly rubs, and exposure to other members’ anal glands.  That’s the sort of recruiting strategy that makes dogs like Major  willing to do anything to prove loyalty to their far-right pack—even  give paw. Often, they’re in so deep that only  a  newspaper to the snout can help them break free.” Secret Service officials went on to emphasize that despite his past actions, Major  remained a very good boy.
Literary Critics Praise Unpublished Salinger Novels As Good, But Not ‘Go Out And Shoot A Celebrity’ Good #~# HANOVER, NH—Touting the manuscripts as close to the author’s best work, literary critics at Dartmouth College hailed several unpublished J.D. Salinger novels Wednesday as good, but not “go out and shoot a celebrity” good. “Don’t get us wrong, there’s the same wry prose and pitch-perfect characterization of uniquely American individuals that made Salinger into a household name, but if we’re being totally honest, nobody’s going to go out and blow someone’s brain out over these,” said professor Sheila Heidt, noting that the as-yet-unseen works were a “B, maybe a B+” that likely wouldn’t inspire psychotic individuals to do more than hit a celebrity a few times with a tire iron. “Unfortunately, would-be assassins will likely find that the novel’s tendency towards the maudlin and a muddled narrative fail to evoke the passion required to take down a singer or presidential candidate.” Heidt added that among the manuscripts was a sequel to Franny And Zooey so bad it could cause people to perform life-saving surgery on someone famous.
Key Takeaways From The Capitol Security Review #~# A task force convened to address security at the U.S. Capitol Building following the January 6 riot released a report on Monday. The Onion looks at the key takeaways from the Capitol security review.
Scam Alert: This Guy Thought He Was Buying An Authentic PS5 On eBay, But Received Mark Rothko’s ‘1957 # 20’ Instead #~# With PlayStation 5 supplies running low across the country, many gamers are turning to third-party vendors to access the latest and greatest in interactive entertainment. Unfortunately, online scammers out there are taking advantage of buyers like Andrew Friedman, a 33-year-old Sony diehard who thought he was getting an authentic PS5 on eBay, but instead received an original of Mark Rothko’s monumental work 1957 #20, also known as Brown, black on maroon.
CDC Guidelines Allow Fully Vaccinated People To Gather Indoors With Curtains Drawn To Reduce Spread Of Jealousy #~# ATLANTA—Reminding Americans that the pandemic was still far from over, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention issued new guidelines Wednesday allowing fully vaccinated people to gather indoors with the curtains drawn to reduce the spread of jealousy. “If we don’t stop the spread of envy, it could soon turn into full-blown rage, so please be sure those drapes  completely cover the windows,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, who called upon the 10% of Americans who had already received their first and second vaccination doses to do their part and keep their cocktail parties, family gatherings, and other social events discreet. “To nip FOMO in the bud, we must act fast, and we must act together. As an added precaution, we also recommend turning off the lights. Draping blankets over yourselves works, too, if you’re really in a pinch.” At press time, Walensky added that in the case a fully vaccinated person ran into a non-vaccinated person, they were strongly advised to lie through their teeth and tell them it was still the same old, same old.
Cavs Fan Already Knows He Won’t Feel A Thing When Kevin Love Dies #~# SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Confessing that the veteran power forward hasn’t made a significant impact on his life, Cleveland Cavaliers fan Andrew Stroud confirmed Thursday that he already knows he won’t feel a thing when Kevin Love dies. “I definitely won’t feel good about it, but don’t expect any loving tributes to his life and legacy,” said Stroud, referring to Love as a “supporting player” who paled in comparison to Kyrie Irving, Mark Price, or Zydrunas Ilgauskas. “The moment he retires, he’ll just be out of sight, out of mind. By the time he dies, I’m sure I’ll assume he’s been long gone. I mean, he did help us win a title, but he never really fit the roster and he  had a ton of injury problems. If they put him on a mural with LeBron  and Kyrie then I’d be okay with that, but he definitely doesn’t deserve his own memorial. I might like some fan art of him walking into Heaven. It won’t be this big tragedy though. Plus, I’ve always sort of assumed he doesn’t have a family.” At press time, Stroud conceded that he might cry if Love’s death negatively affected LeBron James. 
Fugitive Caught Coming Out Of Hiding To Buy ‘Call Of Duty’ #~# An escaped prisoner in the U.K. was caught after months of evading police when he left his hideout to buy Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War, telling officers he was bored from the pandemic-related lockdown. What do you think?
Don Jr. Sends Letter To RNC Begging To Have Likeness Used For Fundraising #~# PALM BEACH GARDENS, FL—Demanding the organization start at once, Donald Trump Jr. reportedly sent a letter Wednesday begging the Republican National Committee to use his likeness in fundraising materials. “You’re free to use my image as my times as you like in any medium as long as it’s front and center—in fact, I’ve enclosed some good shots right here,” read the letter, which included a variety of glossy 8-by-10-inch photographs for committee officials to consider along with a USB flash drive containing a highlight reel of the former first son speaking at various events. “The one of me on the tree stump is my favorite, but all of the close-ups are pretty cool too. I don’t have anything with my dad though, so I hope that’s okay. Please? Pretty please? Oh yeah, and can you link to my social media too?” At press time, Donald Trump Jr. was excitedly refreshing the RNC’s homepage waiting for his picture to appear. 
Coach Unveils Petite Handbag For Holding Fingernails, Skin Flakes, And Other Loose Detritus You Pull Off Your Body #~# NEW YORK—Touting the new accessory as an essential addition to any modern wardrobe, the luxury brand Coach unveiled a new petite handbag Tuesday for holding fingernails, skin flakes, and other loose detritus you pull off your body. “The latest version of our Hayden Crossbody Clutch serves as a stylish yet convenient receptacle in which to place all the stray hairs, calluses, and large scaly patches you yank or scrape from your skin,” said Stuart Vevers, creative director of the American design house, explaining that the small purse, which is crafted from polished pebble leather and retails for $175, provides an elegant solution for when you peel a scab or lance a blister and don’t know what to do with the resulting discharge and debris. “Whether it’s common acne, a cyst, or some other sort of membranous pustule, our gorgeous new bag holds all your discarded biological tissues—liquid and solid—when you’re on the go. That thickening, undiagnosed growth on your back has to fall off eventually, and when it does, you’re going to want somewhere to put it.” Vevers went on to mention that Coach would also be releasing a larger, tote-sized version of the bag for all the heavy shedders out there.
CDC: Fully Vaccinated People Can Gather Indoors Without Masks #~# The CDC released guidelines for Americans fully vaccinated against Covid-19, saying they can gather indoors with others who are vaccinated with no precautions but must still adhere to masking and social distancing in public spaces. What do you think?
CDC Launches Ad Campaign Featuring Racist Mascot In Effort To Get More Conservatives Vaccinated #~# ATLANTA—Targeting the series of PSAs towards communities that were skeptical of inoculation, the Centers For Disease Control launched a new ad campaign Tuesday featuring a racially offensive animated mascot in an effort to get more conservatives vaccinated. “We’re hopeful that associating the vaccine with this outmoded and reprehensible caricature will help give right-wing Americans some comfort and familiarity and increase their likelihood of signing up,” said Director Rochelle Walensky, confirming that the mascot, whose design was based largely on World War II propaganda imagery, would speak in an offensively broad accent to continuously spout racial catchphrases completely unacceptable to modern sensibilities. “Our goal is to provoke a massive public pressure campaign which forces us to remove this hateful mascot, leading conservatives to locate as many vaccines as possible lest the country lose an important part of its heritage to cancel culture and the woke mob.” Walensky added that the CDC also hoped to discourage travel amongst conservatives by claiming without evidence that Delta Airlines gives discounted rates to Planned Parenthood members. 
‘New York Times’ Releases 8-Part Podcast Series Exposing Commentator Who Called Them Irrelevant #~# NEW YORK—In what newspaper sources described as an important corrective to a rising source of dangerous misinformation, the New York Times released an eight-part podcast series Wednesday exposing a commentator who called them irrelevant. “On October 19, 2020, a man named Tyler Whitson left a response to a report that day about unrest in the U.S. intelligence community where he impugned the paper’s reporting by saying ‘The New York Times sucks now.’ Here’s why that matters,” said Michael Barbaro at the beginning of No Comment, the special podcast series he was co-hosting with Kara Swisher and Ezra Klein, informing listeners that they needed to know that the 34-year-old gig worker from Spokane, Washington had a long history of rude comments, poor hygiene habits, and even some embarrassing romantic failures, which would be discussed in depth in part six. “SoccerFan86, if that’s even his real screen name, would have you believe that he’s an informed citizen offering fact-based statements when he says this like ‘no one cares,’ while our millions of paying subscribers to both print and digital clearly show otherwise. Over the next eight episodes, we’ll take you on a journey where we spoke to former coworkers, family members, customers, and ex-lovers of the embattled commenter to turn the mirror back on him and paint a fuller picture of who he is. Journalism, while Mr. Whitson may disagree, is built on a careful examination of the facts, and the uncovering of difficult truths, however unpleasant. So when someone says ‘your paper is dogshit, dunno why I even read it’ to the New York Times, we take that as an opportunity to use that as a starting point to engage our listeners, who might be interested to hear what kind of porn Mr. Whitson has been watching the last few months.” In addition to the eight-part series, the New York Times unveiled an hour-long video special documenting the struggles of journalists who had to read mean things that people said about their newspaper.
Report: Your Father Probably Out With One Of His Whores Tonight #~# METHUEN, MA—Adding credence to the longstanding supposition that your dad is a selfish piece of shit, a new report released Tuesday found that your father was probably out with one of his whores tonight. “There’s no doubt that that son-of-a-bitch is painting the town red with one of his little floozies right this second,” read the report in part, suggesting a strong probability that the man who bore you was out late sticking it to some goddamn trollop without a care in the world as to what his loving family would think. “He could be knocking boots with that slut receptionist from his office, or getting a tugjob in his car from some disgusting cocktail waitress—or, Hell, he could be lying face down in a ditch, and frankly, we’d all be a lot better off.” The report concluded by noting the high likelihood that you were going to grow up to be exactly like that asshole.
Celebrities Discuss Their Most Difficult Acting Roles #~# It may feel difficult sitting on your couch, lifting a remote, and pressing “play” to start a  movie, but for the actors in front of the camera, it can be even harder. The Onion asked some of Hollywood’s biggest celebrities about their most difficult roles on and off the silver screen.
Dutch Inventor’s Covid-19 Test Uses Screams Instead Of Nasal Swabs #~# A Dutch man claims to have invented a new type of coronavirus screening that places participants into an airlocked cabin to scream or sing as an air purifier collects emitted particles to test for the virus. What do you think?
Woman Finally Speaks Enough Spanish To Ask Grandma For Money #~# ALLENTOWN, PA—Expressing feelings of pride after studying the language for years, local woman Reisa Diaz revealed Tuesday that she finally spoke enough Spanish to ask her grandmother for money. “Growing up, there was always a disconnect between us because I could only say ‘mas, mas, mas’ when I wanted more cash,” said the third-generation Cuban American, describing a recent lesson on the subjunctive tense, which taught her how to explain what she could do with her grandmother’s money. “I have friends whose grandparents pay for their apartment, but I never had that relationship with my abuela because of the language barrier. Abuela’s not going to be around forever, so I need to shake her down while I still can. I remember when I could barely count to 10 in Spanish, and now I feel comfortable enough to ask her for the exact dollar amount I need.” At press time, Diaz announced plans to raise her children bilingual so that they could effectively beg their grandparents for money at an early age.
Los Angeles Carries Out Controlled Burn Of Old-Growth Celebrities To Make Way For New Stars #~# LOS ANGELES—Working to set thousands of aged and desiccated screen legends aflame, L.A. County officials carried out a controlled burn of old-growth celebrities Monday in an effort to make way for new stars. “The process can be a little startling to watch, but thinning out decaying A-listers is a crucial part of preserving the Hollywood ecosystem,” said local fire chief Craig Powers, noting that the burn was done under strict guidelines and did not occur until the most combustible producers and multi-hyphenates had been cleared from the area. “Keep in mind that for every withered old Julie Andrews or Robert Redford we set fire to, we make room for a dozen budding Timothée Chalamets to grow.” Powers added that these processes were particularly necessary as the area’s talent reserves were continually bone dry.
Meghan Markle Reveals Royals Worried Her Son Wouldn’t Have Family’s Sickly, Rancid Skin #~# MONTECITO, CA—Revealing concerns within the British monarchy that a child in line to the throne might inherit a noticeably healthy glow, Meghan Markle said in a prime-time TV special Sunday that some of the royals had worried her son would be born without the family’s sickly, rancid skin. “When I was pregnant with Archie, Harry was approached by a member of his family who expressed apprehension that our baby might not have the disgustingly translucent and putrid complexions they are known for,” the Duchess of Sussex told interviewer Oprah Winfrey, explaining that the unease stemmed from the fact that her son would be the first Windsor in history not to be so pallid and heinous that even stepping foot in the sun would cause his fragile skin to blister and boil. “This person reminded Harry that it had taken centuries of intermarriage between the British peerage and other reigning families of northern Europe to produce a bloodline with remarkably thin, pigment-free dermal layers that crack, bleed, and bruise at the slightest contact. They asked what would happen if the people of the United Kingdom were to one day look upon a royal and not immediately want to retch at the sight of veins pulsating beneath gray, decaying skin.” As the interview ventured into emotionally difficult subjects, Markle was often seen holding Prince Harry’s revoltingly cadaverous hand for support.
Trump-Appointed Aide Arrested For Role In Capitol Riot #~# The FBI arrested former Trump-appointed State Department aide Federico Klein for participating in the U.S. Capitol riot on January 6th, marking the first member of the previous administration arrested in connection to the insurrection. What do you think?
ExxonMobil Throws In A Couple Extra Million While Paying Pollution Fine As Advance On Next Violation #~# HOUSTON—While paying a $14.25 million civil penalty imposed for releasing several thousand tons of contaminants into Texas communities, fossil fuel giant ExxonMobil reportedly threw in an extra couple million Monday as an advance on its next violation of the Clean Air Act. “These court appearances are exhausting for everyone, so why don’t we just give you a lump sum up front and agree that will cover us for the next few months?” CEO Darren Woods said to a U.S. district judge, explaining how the multinational oil and gas company would of course continue to release harmful quantities of pollutants into the air, and that paying ahead of time would reduce paperwork and streamline the accounting process. “We’re very busy people, and we’re sure you are too. There’s no reason we can’t get all these future fines out of the way today. In fact, we’re happy to simply leave you a blank check right now, and you can fill out it out whenever. Consider it a token of trust in our valued partnership.” At press time, reports confirmed ExxonMobil had given federal regulators a second blank check with the phrase “next offshore spill” scrawled on the memo line.
Woman Wouldn’t Have Wondered Aloud How Microwaves Work If She Knew Friend Was Going To Launch Into Answer #~# RICHMOND, VA—Regretting her decision to try and make small talk, local woman Rebecca Lockier admitted Monday that she wouldn’t have wondered aloud how microwaves work if she knew her friend Martha Kempner was going to launch into an answer. “I was trying to avoid the uncomfortable silence while my popcorn popped, but now I have to listen to this whole academic lecture on the science behind microwaves,” said Lockier, explaining that she just wanted to eat her snack instead of receiving a long, drawn-out lesson on why the appliance gets hot after she presses a button. “Shut up, shut up! I could have looked it up on my phone if I really cared that much, but no. Now I’m stuck here as she goes into the nitty gritty about how microwave radiation excites polar water molecules. Jesus fucking Christ, now she’s launching into why putting tin foil in causes sparks.” At press time, Lockier was still listening to Kempner’s explanation after finishing her popcorn.
‘Taco Bell For Life’ Winner Chooses To Receive Winnings As Single Lump Meal #~# TAOS, NM—Arguing that incremental payments would favor the fast-food chain in the long run, ‘Taco Bell For Life” winner Jacob Lalu chose to receive his winnings Friday as a single lump meal. “The experts will tell you to get your Baja Blasts in installments, but I could really use those bad boys right now,” said Lalu, conceding that he would “take a bath on taxes” for his choice to accept 4,000 Chalupas and 2,000 boxes of Nachos BellGrandes. “I figure I might as well get these 6,000 Crunchwraps while I’m still alive. Either way, I’m gonna have a bunch of relatives hitting me up for some Cravings Boxes, so why not have it all once? It’s gonna be a little dicey hauling two tons of cheese in little plastic cups to my car, but we’ll make do. The bigger challenge will be to stop myself from eating it all at once.” At press time, Lalu told reporters he had nothing left after getting high and scarfing down his entire Taco Bell savings in one night.
Ethics Report Shows Elaine Chao Ran Personal Errands With Transportation Department’s Private Zorb #~# WASHINGTON—Alleging rampant misuse of the inflatable transparent plastic sphere, an inspector general’s report released Monday showed that former Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao violated ethics guidelines when she ran personal errands in a government Zorb. “Though federal rules dictate it is only to be used for official Transportation Department business, Secretary Chao routinely rolled around in the Zorb to pick up her dry cleaning or stop by the bank,” the report read in part, stating that Chao was often seen taking a spin down Capitol Hill to Foggy Bottom in the Zorb, only to call her aides to help roll her back up again. “The American taxpayer was on the hook for this improper use, including for the purchase of multiple rolls of duct tape to patch up the rips from all the times it popped. Despite this, she continued to use the Zorb for personal travel and even let family members—including her husband, Sen. Mitch McConnell, and her father, 93-year-old shipping magnate James Chao—use it to roll down all the best slopes in the D.C. area.” Reporters attempting to reach Chao were told she was using the Zorb to take a lazy river ride down the Potomac and thus unavailable for comment.
Area Man Been Thinking About You A Lot Lately #~# CHICAGO—Noting that he had wanted to reach out for the past week or two, local man Dustin Radford has been thinking about you a lot lately, sources confirmed Monday. “Yeah, I’ve just been wondering how your life is going and whether everything’s been good,” said Radford, adding that you had popped up in his mind several times over the weekend and that had made him realize how long it’s been since he touched base. “Maybe we could set up a phone call or something? No pressure, obviously. It’d just be great to hear your voice. Hope you’re doing okay!” At press time, the man had promised to make you love him again or die trying.
Iceland Experiences Over 18,000 Earthquakes In One Week #~# Iceland, located along the Mid-Atlantic Ridge where seismic activity is common, experienced more than 18,000 small earthquakes in one week, causing the ground to shake for hours and sparking concerns of an imminent volcanic eruption. What do you think?
James Harden Pump Fakes Under 4 Dummies During NBA All-Star Drawing-Fouls Challenge #~# ATLANTA—Pushing back against the faceless foam defenders before pulling up with a wildly flailing turnaround jumper, Brooklyn Nets guard James Harden pump faked under four dummies Sunday night while participating in the NBA All-Star Game drawing-fouls challenge. “Just watching the way he goes down and throws his arms up after driving through the pylons for a layup, he’s the man to beat this year,” said fellow competitor Trae Young, who started howling and grabbed Devin Booker after Harden drew four quick reach-in fouls while navigating through the “tunnel of arms” section of the course. “I thought Luka [Doncic] was the king when he drew 18 fouls in 60 seconds, including that insane flop on a 3-pointer, but nobody’s gonna beat Harden. He can make even incidental contact on a pull-up look like a flagrant foul, and his body control while pleading with the refs is unreal.” At press time Harden had blown all his second-round competitors out of the water and scored three perfect 10s after drawing a foul off the back of a brand-new Jeep Compass.
Oprah Interviews Meghan Markle, Prince Harry: What To Expect #~# On March 7, CBS will air Oprah With Meghan And Harry: A CBS Primetime Special, a two-hour interview that will be the couple’s first since they publicly split from the U.K. royal family. The Onion looks at the biggest potential revelations from the interview.
Matt Damon Lowers Cameo Fee To $15 In Hopes Of Getting More Hits #~# LOS ANGELES—Expressing enthusiasm about seeing a real turnaround in business soon, Matt Damon reportedly lowered his fee on Cameo to $15 Friday in hopes of getting more hits. “Man, I thought I’d be swamped, but three months on here and I’ve gotten what—three, four requests?” said Damon, who released a long, resigned sigh as he speculated that perhaps he had set his sights a little too high with his original asking price of $25 for a custom 60-second shout-out. “I really thought at the very least I’d be getting one video request a week. I’m famous, right? I put ‘star of The Informant’ right there in my bio. I know I’m no Drag Race star or video game voice actor, but who wouldn’t want to shell out a few bucks to hear me say ‘Happy birthday!’ Ugh. Hopefully this works. I would have had five customers by now, but one guy asked for a refund because he said I did the movie quote wrong. Apparently it’s not ‘I like them apples.’ Whatever.”  At press time, Damon added he was even willing to drive out and do in-person appearances at customers’ homes if they would pay for part of his gas.
Obama Claims Hulu Execs Killed In Drone Strike Represented Direct Threat To Netflix’s Interests #~# WASHINGTON—Defending the deadly action as an unfortunate necessity, Barack Obama held a press conference Friday to announce that the Hulu executives targeted in a recent drone strike represented an imminent threat to Netflix’s interests. “As you know, I am not a proponent of violence, except in extreme cases in which the continued prosperity of America’s number-one streaming service is on the line,” said Obama, confirming that the three high-profile business leaders were taken out with minimal collateral damage during the filming of a Hulu wedding reality show. “Despite repeated warnings, these dangerous individuals continued to expand their arsenal of original programming in what amounts to an assault on Netflix’s very existence. While unfortunate, this strike was determined to be the best course of action in helping us prevent an expensive and protracted war for audience share.” At press time, Obama had ended his press conference while refusing to address claims that several Netflix subscribers numbered among the casualties.
Study Finds Beckoning Index Finger Still Most Effective Way To Get Americans Onto Dance Floor #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Confirming decades of social science research into the function and significance of the gesture, a new study released Friday by psychologists at Yale University found that beckoning with your index finger remained the most effective way to get U.S. residents onto the dance floor. “In experiments conducted across multiple demographic groups, we observed that on 97% of occasions, bending a supine finger upward two to three times while imparting a mischievous glance will convince an American who is not dancing to join others who are,” a paper by the researchers read in part, before going on to conclude that the finger bent in a “come hither” manner was significantly more successful than pretending to reel the person in with an imaginary fishing pole or pull them toward you with a pantomimed lasso gesture. “Regardless of whether the non-dancing subject is in the middle of a conversation or trying to order a drink at the bar, the moment they are confronted with the bent-finger stimulus, they begin moving toward the dance floor. This is true even in the case of reserved individuals who appear overly stiff or aloof and thus, by every outward indication, unlikely to enjoy dancing.” The study also found that a beckoning index finger becomes 100% effective when the DJ is playing Bel Biv DeVoe’s “Poison.”
Facebook Lifts Temporary Ban On Political Ads #~# Facebook lifted its ban on U.S. political advertising on Thursday, ending a months-long moratorium initially put in place to prevent the spread of misinformation after the November election. What do you think?
Disney Announces Next Movie Will Feature Princess With Never-Before-Seen Ethnicity #~# BURBANK, CA—Taking a huge step toward adding more diversity to their films, Disney announced Friday that the company’s next movie would feature a princess with a never-before-seen ethnicity. “The film will tell the story of a young girl who grows up in the traditions of a storied culture no one in the world has ever heard of before,” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek, explaining that audiences will be introduced to this completely original ethnic group through the princess’s coming-of-age story living among a group of people sharing a common set of traditions unexplored until now. “The story itself will celebrate the music, art, and folklore of the princess’s ancestors, which we think everyone will find new and unfamiliar. This culture is so rare and unknown, in fact, that I promise you not one child will see themselves represented by this princess.” At press time, Disney reported the film and its line of merchandise had already grossed $350 million dollars worldwide.
Cuomo Expresses Deep Regret That Grandma Didn’t Have The Balls To Tough It Out #~# ALBANY, NY—Choking back tears while addressing the crowd of clamoring reporters, New York governor Andrew Cuomo expressed deep regret Friday that grandma didn’t have the balls to tough it out. “From the bottom of my heart, let me just say to the press, to my constituents, and most importantly to all the people I’ve hurt that I am so sorry that nana couldn’t nut up, put on her big boy pants, and tough it out for just a few measly months,” said Cuomo, taking a deep breath, shaking his head, and acknowledging how devastating it must be for someone’s family member to go out like such a big pussy. “At the time, I didn’t understand how my actions would affect people, especially the elderly who decided to throw in the towel instead of growing a fucking pair. While I can’t change the past, I can work on moving forward and always remembering what a little bitch these people were to the end.” At press time, Cuomo added that he would not be stepping down, before he grabbed his genitals and said he’d only wish your grandma had some stones like these.
Principled Stand: Pedro Pascal Has Walked Off HBO’s ‘The Last Of Us’ After Realizing It’s Not The Kind Of Game That Involves Collecting Orbs #~# Ever since HBO announced The Last Of Us would be coming to the network as a series, fans have been waiting with bated breath to learn whether or not this would finally be the title that broke the curse of video game adaptations. Thankfully, a new development on the set shows that the cast and crew are handling Naughty Dog’s iconic series with the reverence it deserves: Series lead and acclaimed actor Pedro Pascal just stormed out of a scene after realizing The Last Of Us is not the kind of game that involves collecting coins or orbs.
Loved Ones Talk Down Goat Standing On Mountain’s Edge #~# RED LODGE, MT—As they begged the visibly distraught ungulate to climb back down the sheer rocky slope, a mountain goat’s loved ones reportedly spent several tense minutes Friday talking him off a high peak from which he appeared ready to jump to his death. “Hello, friend, I want to let you know there are a lot of goats here who care about you very much and really want to see you make it back down safely,” shouted a goat of high rank within the herd’s dominance hierarchy, addressing the adult male who paced nervously along the side of a 200-foot, nearly vertical surface and occasionally let out pained bleat, bucked into the air, and threatened to jump. “We know things haven’t been easy for you lately, especially when you took that horn to the stomach from a rival back in mating season. You’ve barely been grazing, and  your beard has grown unkempt. But this isn’t the answer. You still have a lot to offer: You’re a good billy, and I’m certain you’ll make a nanny very happy someday.” According to sources, the suicidal goat eventually returned to safe ground, giving in to entreaties that he “come down here so we can talk about all this over a salt lick.”
Customs Officials Find Cocaine-Coated Corn Flakes #~# Customs and Border Protection officers in Cincinnati seized a shipment of boxed corn flakes cereal last month laced with 44 pounds of cocaine that had an estimated street value over $2.5 million. What do you think?
First U.S. City To Start Funding Reparations To Black Americans #~# Evanston, Illinois will be the first American city to fund reparations for Black residents, using a 3% tax on recreational marijuana to distribute $10 million over 10 years for eligible applicants’ housing beginning this spring. What do you think?
TikTok Assures Users Worried About Myanmar That They’re Aggressively Monetizing The Situation #~# CULVER CITY, CA—In response to growing outcry over soldiers using the platform to threaten violence on protestors opposed to the recent coup, TikTok reportedly assured users worried about Myanmar Thursday that they’re aggressively monetizing the situation. “We want to let all of our users know that we’re keeping a close eye on the unfolding events in Myanmar and doing everything we can to rake in bundles of cash,” said TikTok CEO Vanessa Pappas in a statement, adding that the company had zero tolerance for their platform being used to call for violence without targeted ad campaigns in between. “We urge any user who is concerned about military members issuing death threats over TikTok to remember that all our lines of profit are always open, and we have moderators working around the clock to ensure our algorithm can absorb these videos and make the necessary targeted advertising adjustments. We also encourage any user who sees explicit or violent videos to use the #MyanmarMadness hashtag immediately.” Executives added that they were committed to providing a safe and welcoming environment for any soldier who wanted to grow their platform as part of TikTok’s influencer marketing program.
Heroic Conservative Risks Own Life To Hide Mr. Potato Heads In Attic #~# CINCINNATI—Shushing the toys as he carefully studied every vehicle and pedestrian passing by his house, heroic local conservative Darryl Sawchuck reportedly put his life on the line Thursday to hide several dozen Mr. Potato Heads in his attic. “Don’t worry—you’ll be safe with me!” said Sawchuck, who sources confirmed was bravely risking imprisonment, torture, and even death by harboring armfuls of the gendered plastic tubers in a crawl space where the P.C. police would be less likely to find them. “But keep absolutely quiet, because if they realize you’re up here, they’ll disappear you, me, and my family, too. Hopefully I’ll be able to build a secret room with a false wall before those jack-booted cancel-culture Nazis come to search the place.” At press time, reports estimated it would be 12 months before Sawchuck sold out his principles upon realizing how much Mr. Potato Heads were going for on eBay.
Congress Cancels Thursday Session After Authorities Warn Of Looming Plot To Pass Stimulus Bill #~# WASHINGTON—Responding swiftly to the credible threat, Congress was reportedly forced to cancel its Thursday session after authorities warned of a looming plot to pass the stimulus bill. “Intelligence officials have informed us of a deeply unsettling plot to pass a nearly $2 trillion stimulus bill—a frightening plot that may have involved members of the House of Representatives itself,” said Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI), who confirmed that his fellow legislators in the Senate were taking every precaution necessary to keep the alarming relief plan at bay. “Many of the details are still unclear, but we know they’ve been plotting this for months. We have reason to believe it may go as far back as the Georgia runoffs. If these disturbing reports of a child tax credit are true, we may have to erect a permanent fence around the Capitol building to keep everybody out.” At press time, Johnson added that if this plot hadn’t been intercepted, millions of Americans could have gotten the financial assistance they needed.
Researchers Warn Of New Giant Covid-19 Variant Large Enough To Swallow Grown Man Whole #~# ATLANTA—Urging Americans to reconsider their current precautions in light of the grim discovery, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention researchers warned Thursday of a new giant Covid-19 variant large enough to swallow a grown man whole. “This is a mammoth monster of a virus, big enough and strong enough to consume a full-sized adult male in one swift gulp,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, adding that the first confirmed victim of the A.7 SARS-CoV-2 variant was a man in El Paso, Texas of whom nothing was left but his shoes. “What we’ve got on our hands is a virus that stalks the shadows and can lift a grown adult in its two protein envelope jaws. It strikes at night, when the moon is just a sliver in the sky, and is transmitted through the air so fast that you’ll never even know what hit you. In an instant, its membrane will have wrapped around your throat, and everything will go black. We advise all Americans to maintain a wide berth from poorly lit areas, to not turn corners quickly, and if you hear a rustling sound behind you, our expert advice is to start saying your prayers.” The report recommended that anyone who believed they had come into contact with someone infected by this new Covid-19 variant should immediately drive as far as they could into a remote area and under no circumstances bring the massive, man-eating variant beast anywhere near a hospital.
Bronze Age Man Would Have Worn Nicer Pelts If He’d Known Scientists Would Find His Preserved Body In Bog #~# DARTMOOR, ENGLAND—Caught off guard in one of his ratty old goatskin tunics, Bronze Age tribesman Lugu claimed Thursday that he would have dressed in much nicer pelts had he known that scientists would find his preserved body in a bog 4,000 years after selecting the outfit. “Shit, I would have put on a beaten-reed underfrock and one of my nice ceremonial bear’s fur capes if I had any idea that archaeologists in 2021 would exhume my body after its natural mummification in peat,” said the hunter-gatherer, admitting that he would have appreciated enough of a heads-up to let him run home to his wattle-and-daub hut for a clean shearling cap and buckskin leggings. “God, it’s just my luck that the one time I go out wearing a shabby old number with holes in it, I fall into a mire and get encased for centuries in an anaerobic environment. Now people will think my beat-up wicker shoes are what I wore on special occasions.” At press time, Lugu was reportedly objecting to being listed in scholarly journals as “the Dartmoor Goatskin Bog Hobo.”
Covid Announces Plan To Move Operations To Texas Full-Time To Escape Burdensome Regulations #~# AUSTIN, TX—Bemoaning the bureaucratic red tape that had been holding it back for the past year, the Covid-19 virus announced Thursday that it would move its operation to Texas full-time to escape burdensome regulations. “Shifting my operation to Texas will give me the freedom to spread my wings and grow this pandemic in ways that are impossible in blue states,” said the coronavirus molecule, adding that it had been especially heartened by the governor’s recent decision to cut away unnecessary regulations like dining restrictions and mask mandates. “Obviously, I appreciate everything California and New York have done to help me—especially when I was just starting out. It’s just been hard watching liberal legislators pile on cumbersome restrictions despite, frankly, having no idea how to build a pandemic. Those regulations really hurt small virus particles. The Lone Star State has been nothing but welcoming to me, and I’m thrilled to call it my new home.” At press time, Covid-19 had celebrated its move with a raucous night hanging out in the atmosphere of local favorite restaurant Trudy’s North Star.
Dr. Seuss Publisher Pulls Books With Racist Imagery #~# Dr. Seuss Enterprises used the late author’s 117th birthday to announce it will cease publishing six of his books, including If I Ran The Zoo and Scrambled Eggs Super! for character portrayals considered racist and insensitive. What do you think?
New Texas Law Requires All Masks Have Word ‘Pussy’ Written Across Front #~# AUSTIN, TX—In what he described as an effort to reduce the spread of cowardice in the Lone Star State, Gov. Greg Abbott issued an executive order Wednesday requiring all protective face coverings worn in Texas to have the word “pussy” written across the front in large, boldfaced letters. “If you feel a need to put on a mask to protect your friends, your neighbors, or yourself, that’s your personal choice—all we’re doing is requiring you to identify yourself as a total fucking pussy if you opt to do so,” said Abbott, who also reportedly considered allowing masks with the terms “weakling,” “wuss,” “traitor,” and “degenerate” to be worn, but ultimately decided “pussy” was the most effective term for labeling those who adopt the preventative measure shown to limit spread of a disease that has killed more than 44,000 Texans. “This way we’ll all know who among us is a real Texan, and who is a feeble excuse for a man, so afraid of catching a little Covid that he can’t even show his face to the world. We just want to separate the wheat from the chaff here.” At press time, reports confirmed Texas was already facing a major  shortage of pussy mask supplies.
Biden Nominates Popular Twitter Account @PossumEveryHour For OMB After Discovering Bipartisan Support Of Tweets #~# WASHINGTON—President Joe Biden reportedly nominated popular Twitter account @PossumEveryHour Wednesday for United States Office of Management and Budget Director after discovering bipartisan support of the account’s tweets. “Today, I am thrilled to endorse PossumEveryHour for OMB director, as I believe it’s beloved, marsupial-based brand of content is impossible for both Democrats and Republicans to resist,” said Biden, adding that the account—which consistently posts photos of possums hissing, rummaging through garbage cans, and dressed in adorable sweaters to its 311K followers—would make a perfect addition to the cabinet under any presidential administration. “Since the day I took office, I pledged to end acrimonious politics, and I believe that  this novelty feed of creepy yet still-lovable creatures will make both sides proud. I have followed PossumEveryHour since it posted its first photo in July of 2018, and I can’t wait to see what it can do for OMB and America next.” At press time, Biden had withdrawn his nomination after Republicans accused the account of displaying partisan support towards nocturnal species, and Democrats took issue with the animal’s troubling history of being a carrier for rabies and tuberculosis.
Trump Secretly Received Covid-19 Vaccine Before Leaving White House #~# Former President Trump received the Covid-19 vaccine at the White House in January, but did not disclose his inoculation to the public, which doctors say would have helped ease vaccine skepticism that remains highest among Republicans. What do you think?
Popular New Podcast Just Mark Ruffalo Reading Names Of Murder Victims #~# NEW YORK—Noting its meteoric rise to the top of the charts, sources confirmed Wednesday that popular new podcast Ruff Stuff was just actor Mark Ruffalo reading out the names of murder victims. “I’m overwhelmed by the outpouring of positive reception, and grateful for the opportunity to create content that clearly resonates so strongly with fans,” said Ruffalo, thanking his millions of listeners for their support of the show, which consisted of weekly 2-hour-long episodes in which the actor simply stated the first and last names of American homicide victims, pausing only occasionally for the tinkle of a piano or an ad break from a sponsor. “When I first launched Ruff Stuff two weeks ago, I had no idea I’d be creating one of the most streamed podcasts of all time. I actually just received word from Spotify that last week’s “All Larrys” episode has already surpassed over 1 billion downloads. And keep listening, because soon I’m going to shake things up by having some of my friends from the Avengers cast join me to silently hold the list still while I read.” At press time, Netflix announced they had bought the rights to adapt Ruff Stuff into a series for $20 million. 
Previously Unheard Story About Mom’s Uncle Adds Intriguing Layer To Family History Of Mental Illness #~# PHILADELPHIA—Admitting that she was taken aback by the casually tossed-off anecdote, local woman Cara Wisher told reporters Wednesday that a previously unheard story about her mother’s uncle Glen added an intriguing layer to the family’s history of mental illness. “I had no idea that my great uncle would disappear from time to time just like great grandpa,” said Wisher, noting a  story about a family barbecue cut short after her great uncle knocked over a charcoal grill in a manic fit. “I always thought of him as a black sheep, but this throws a whole new wrinkle into the family’s struggles with mental health problems. He probably had some undiagnosed issues that led him to stop speaking for weeks at a time.” At press time, Wisher told her mother that she hoped that one day her own mental illness would be added to family lore.
Parakeet Unaware Its Companionship The Only Thing Stopping Man From Committing One Of Bloodiest Acts In American History #~# BOZEMAN, MT—Though he protects scores of innocent civilians every day of his life, several reports confirmed Wednesday that Java, a local parakeet, is unaware the companionship he provides is the only thing stopping his owner, area man David Markopolous, from committing one of the deadliest acts in U.S. history. According to sources, the 1.3-ounce budgie, who appears to do little more than hop around his cage and occasionally squawk for food, unwittingly provides the 46-year-old accountant with the minimum amount of camaraderie required to prevent him from masterminding the most ghastly, unspeakable crime ever carried out by a lone actor on American soil. The blue and white long-tailed parakeet reportedly has no idea that every minute his owner spends feeding him, cleaning his cage, or gently stroking his downy head with a single finger is another minute not spent meticulously plotting a mass-casualty event that would haunt the public consciousness for decades. As he munches seeds and grinds away at his cuttlebone, sources said the otherwise ordinary house pet is all that stands between peace and a terrible bloodbath that, through its sheer scale and the unexpectedness of its target, would forever alter a nation, its people, and their way of life. At press time, reports indicated Markopolous was distraught after discovering Java’s lifeless body on the floor of his cage and had immediately set out on what he would only describe as “an initial supply run.”
Pros And Cons Of Sharing Vaccine Supplies And Technology #~# As coronavirus vaccine rollouts ramp up in countries where vaccines were developed, calls have grown for sharing supplies and technology with countries that currently lack vaccine access, but critics argue there will be complications. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of countries with vaccines sharing their stockpiles and technology with those that don’t.
New Military Diversity Initiative Aims To Make Leadership Look More Like Countries They Invade #~# WASHINGTON—In a move that officials from the Pentagon called long overdue, a new U.S. military diversity initiative unveiled Wednesday aimed to make leadership look more like the countries they invade. “It’s the 21st century, and it simply isn’t right to have a group of generals leading the United States Armed Forces who don’t resemble the populations of the nations we bomb into oblivion,” said Gen. Mark Milley, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who added that while the military had made strides in recent years, proportional representation of women and people of color among leadership remained just a fraction of the diversity represented in countries like Afghanistan, Iraq, Yemen, and Somalia. “In country after country we invade, we see that there’s a diversity that’s lacking among our top leaders, and this initiative will take steps to change that imbalance. We need more Muslims, more folks of Arabic descent, not only African Americans but Africans too. We don’t have children represented at all at the top levels of Pentagon leadership. When the U.S. is ignoring every tenet of international law to pursue its own financially driven objectives in your country, whether you’re a victim of a drone strike, had your government overthrown, or just live in the daily terror of violence, you should be able to point to one of the people doing that to you and say, ‘That person looks like me.’” U.S. military officials announced that their first phase would involve armed recruitment of potential candidates representing the backgrounds of countries they invade, and they were prepared to integrate them into leadership by force.
Capitol Rioter Texted ‘Moron’ To Ex Who Then Turned Him In #~# A Pennsylvania man took a break from participating in the January 6th Capitol riots to text his ex-girlfriend that she was a “moron,” leading to his arrest after she gave the messages to the FBI. What do you think?
Publisher Assures Readers They Can Still Make Dr. Seuss As Racist As They Want With Power Of Imagination #~# SAN DIEGO—In an effort to stem criticism over their decision to no longer publish several books, Dr. Seuss Enterprises issued a statement Tuesday assuring readers they can still make the author as racist as they want with the power of imagination. “All you have to do is close your eyes while reading Go, Dog. Go!, and voila—the dogs can be perpetuating any racial, religious, or ethnic stereotypes you like,” read the statement, which sought to soothe angered conservatives by encouraging children to envision the author’s iconic works as vulgar and hateful as their little hearts desired. “Imagination is infinite. Who’s to say that Thing One and Thing Two aren’t violent white supremacists? There’s a trove of racist tropes waiting in your own mind that you can tap into at any time. Just believe in yourself and the superiority of some races over others, and anything is possible.” At press time, the company added they were confident this was exactly what the real Dr. Seuss would have wanted.
Former French President Found Guilty Of Corruption #~# A French court convicted former President Nicolas Sarkozy of corruption and influence peddling, suspending part of his sentence and recommending he serve only one year under house arrest. What do you think?
U.S. Allocates $500 Million For Mohammed Bin Salman To Use On Anger Management Counseling #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to move past a tense diplomatic moment with the Gulf state, President Joe Biden announced Tuesday that the United States would allocate $500 million for Saudi Arabian crown prince Mohammed bin Salman to use on anger management counseling. “Despite obvious differences in opinion, it’s crucial that we maintain Saudi Arabia as a partner in the region, and that means getting the crown prince the help that he needs to deal with his anger issues,” said Biden in a press conference, adding that the half-billion in U.S. aid would allow bin Salman to attend group therapy sessions with others who have similar emotional difficulties and speak with a private counsel about the mental habits that led him to kill and dismember journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “I’ll admit it: Fixing his problems is not going to happen overnight. But with great effort and introspection, he’ll be able to understand the origin of his hatred of dissidents and see that he doesn’t need to be controlled by these feelings. If he can make that progress, then this is money well spent.” At press time, Biden was backpedaling  after critics suggested he had failed to learn the lessons of the Obama administration’s botched Syria policy of sending Bashar al-Assad Feeling Good by cognitive behavioral therapist David D. Burns.
World Leaders Pledge To Cut Emissions By As Much As They Can Realistically Back Out Of #~# BONN, GERMANY—Agreeing that public perception of how they were handling the climate crisis had never been more important, world leaders signed a major new accord Tuesday in which they pledged to cut carbon emissions to the extent that they could realistically back out of a few years from now. “This agreement sets ambitious goals for reducing our carbon footprint, but not so ambitious that we can’t come up with a plausible-seeming excuse when we inevitably fail to meet its benchmarks,” read a joint statement issued through the U.N. Framework Convention on Climate Change, in which top officials from the United States, China, Germany, Canada, Russia, and France signaled their support for easily reversible measures to combat global warming. “The time for dramatic pronouncements that can be quickly walked back is now. We have vowed to transition away from fossil fuels and set a deadline far enough in the future that hopefully everyone will forget about it. But if necessary, we are fully committed to rationalizing our inaction in terms the United Nations finds palatable.” At press time, a new report issued by the U.N. had found that half of the parties had already succeeded in reneging on the agreement signed earlier that morning.
Cherokee Chief Asks Jeep To Stop Using Tribe’s Name #~# The Cherokee Nation is calling on automaker Jeep to stop using the tribe’s name for two of its best-selling SUVs, as other companies and sports teams have already taken steps to remove racially and culturally inappropriate branding. What do you think?
Wow: You Can Actually Just Press ‘L3’ To Talk To The Enemies In ‘Demon’s Souls,’ And It Turns Out They’re Really Nice #~# Ever since the release of the Demon’s Souls remake in November, we’ve been slashing our way through some of the toughest monsters gaming has to offer and exploring every nook and cranny of Hidetaka Miyazaki’s dark kingdom of Boletaria. Incredibly, though, we failed to pick up on this little Easter egg until today: You can  actually press L3 to have a nice conversation with the game’s bosses and enemies. And you know what, gamers? It turns out that they’re  all pretty nice.
Justice Department Report Finds Majority Of Homicides Occur Before Opening Credits #~# WASHINGTON—Concluding an exhaustive analysis of the nation’s media, the Justice Department issued a report Monday confirming that the majority of homicides occur before the opening credits. “While Americans generally believe that murder is most prevalent at the climax or immediately before the commercial break, our research has indicated that brutal attacks are, in fact, most common within the first five minutes of a program,” said FBI director Christopher Wray, warning that while procedurals and cop dramas were at particularly high risk, it was possible for assailants to strike without warning in virtually any genre. “If any Americans find themselves in the cold opening of an unfamiliar series, proceed with extreme caution as you have a far greater chance of being killed than in virtually any other part of a television show. We urge you to keep your head, don’t take any undue risks, and in a few minutes you should be safe, as we have discovered virtually 0% mortality rate within a show’s theme song.” Wray added that while previous findings had indicated a huge spike in violent crime immediately before “To Be Continued” flashed onscreen, this report showed that a majority of these threats were resolved within the first five minutes of the next episode.
Single-Dose Vaccine To Begin Distribution #~# A CDC advisory panel voted unanimously to recommend Johnson & Johnson’s Covid-19 vaccine, opening the way to start distribution of the nation’s first vaccine to only require a single dose and regular refrigerated storage early this week. What do you think?
Cuomo Praised By Media For Decisive, Straight-Talking Approach To Harassing Aides #~# ALBANY, NY—Acknowledging the New York governor’s impressive leadership skills, members of the nation’s media praised Andrew Cuomo Monday for his decisive, straight-talking approach to harassing his aides. “His ability to recognize a female staffer and immediately take actions necessary to make her uncomfortable is exactly what you want to see in a leader,” said MSNBC’s Brian Williams, who, along with dozens of other journalists across the country, applauded the governor for getting straight to the point when asking an employee about her sex life and acting swiftly and decisively to kiss another aide before she could object. “He not only stepped up to the challenge of making unwanted advances against his colleagues but also made inappropriate comments about their bodies consistently and doggedly. He even delegated his threats to silence them after they were forced to quit their jobs so he could focus on harassing others, like a true statesman.” At press time, Governor Cuomo was receiving new accolades from the media for dismissing the allegations of harassment as a “misunderstanding” in a bold move that many were calling “presidential.”
No-Nonsense Negotiator Strong-Arms Landlord Into Fixing Toilet For Rent Increase #~# LOS ANGELES—Demonstrating her prowess as a no-nonsense negotiator, local woman Jocelyn Apter reportedly succeeded in strong-arming her landlord Monday into fixing her toilet in exchange for a rent increase. “I finally put my foot down and told him he needed to make the repair or else, and he was so surprised he agreed to send over a plumber for a mere additional $50 a month,” said Apter, who glowed with pride as she marveled at how easily she managed to hammer out a deal. “I was ready to offer up my entire security deposit to get my toilet back again, but no, he caved in an instant. You should have seen the look on his face. Six hundred dollars a year for a functioning toilet is a steal. I almost feel bad for the guy, but that’s what you get when you tangle with someone who’s not afraid to stand their ground.” At press time, Apter was patting herself on the back after getting her landlord to agree to schedule the repair at a time no later than next month.
Nation’s Monster Truck Rally Organizers Vow To Crush 100% Electric Cars By 2030 #~# HOUSTON—Claiming the move was the only way to guarantee a fully renewable future of adrenaline-charged metal smashing, the nation’s monster truck rally organizers issued a statement Monday vowing to crush 100% electric cars by 2030. “For too long, we’ve sent  trucks like the Devastator, Swamp Thing, and El Toro Loco out to high-octane demolition derbies without considering the environmental cost of this vehicular mayhem,” said monster truck rally coordinator Greg Kurtz, adding that as part of this goal, organizers nationwide also hoped to have Monster Mutt, Blue Thunder, and the Big Kahuna eviscerating the roofs and windshields of a fully electrified fleet of buses before 2025. “Of course, we’ll be phasing in hybrids to be immolated in the claws of the one-and-only Infernosaur to help us meet the goal. But we believe we’re on track for Bigfoot to be clobbering an entire environmentally friendly line of cars before the end of the decade.” Kurtz added that the organizers would buy carbons offsets for any gasoline needed to light the death-defying rings of fire that the Xterminator would be jumping through this Sunday at the Raymond James Stadium.
Italy Landslide Drags Hundreds Of Coffins Into Sea #~# A landslide in Northern Italy sent over 200 coffins that were buried in a cliffside cemetery plummeting into the Ligurian sea, with recovery efforts expected to take days. What do you think?
FDA To Ban Menthol Cigarettes #~# The FDA is taking steps to ban menthol-flavored tobacco products in a move praised by public health and civil rights groups, citing evidence that the products are more addictive than unflavored tobacco and marketed aggressively toward Black consumers. What do you think?
White House Officials Watch In Horror As Major Biden Pulls Marine One Straight Out Of Sky #~# WASHINGTON—Gasping as the first dog galloped across the Rose Garden and launched himself towards the airborne helicopter, White House officials watched in horror Friday as Major Biden pulled Marine One straight out of the sky. “Oh my god, how did he do that?” said presidential aide Jessica Reed as the German shepherd hung 125 feet in the air by his teeth, shook his head wildly, and refused to let go as the aircraft began to sputter, spark, and finally careen towards the earth, ending in a huge explosion. “Major! Major! Come here, boy! Nope, he’s refusing to let anyone get near the wreckage. It’s a shame really, because I honestly thought the training was working. If this doesn’t get him sent back to Delaware, I don’t know what will.” At press time, Major had been apprehended after he got distracted by a nuclear warhead he had buried weeks earlier on the White House lawn. 
Deal Alert: Any Video Game At Any Price Is Inherently An Incredible Deal Because Video Games Are Great #~# Whoa, OGN readers are definitely going to want to check this out! We’ve discovered a special deal that gaming aficionados will flip for: Any video game at any price is inherently an incredible value because video games are great.
What Federal Investigators Found In Rudy Giuliani’s Home #~# Federal investigators executed a search warrant at the home and office of Rudy Giuliani, the former New York City mayor who led President Donald Trump’s legal team. The Onion examines the key findings federal investigators made in the search.
Devastated Man Questions How Economy Recovering From Pandemic If He Only Made $4.1 Million In Q1 #~# NEW YORK—Confused by the growing optimism when his rate of return was still suffering so much, devastated man Scott Buford questioned Friday how the economy could be recovering from the pandemic if he only made $4.1 million in Q1. “They say the economy is starting to boom in the wake of the Covid-19 pandemic, but I just don’t see how that’s possible when I made a measly $4.1 million in the first quarter of the fiscal year,” said a despondent Buford, who was struggling to live from monthly dividend payment to monthly dividend payment. “Sometimes I lay awake at night worried that I might have to sell my waterfront villa in the South of France. I mean, you can’t just wave a magic wand and expect people’s net worth to go back to compounding by 25%  year over year.” At press time, a desperate Buford was forced to take out a loan just to make payments on his superyacht.
Democrats Throw Justice Breyer Surprise Retirement Party Hoping He’ll Just Go With It #~# WASHINGTON—Jumping out from hiding spots and popping champagne when the Supreme Court justice turned on the lights in his office, a group of Democratic Party leaders  reportedly threw a surprise retirement party Friday for Stephen Breyer hoping that he would just go with it. “We’re sorry to see you go, but it’s really great to see someone going out on top,” said Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-CT), patting the 82-year-old jurist on the back and toasting the end of his long and storied career in an effort to force him into agreeing to retire from the nation’s highest court. “Some of the naysayers said old Breyer will cling to this seat until he croaks, but you sure proved them wrong. I think I speak for everyone here when I say we respect you even more for making that hard decision that it was time to hang up your robe and ship out. In some ways, I envy you—you’ll be out there on the links without a care in the world while we’ve got to stay in crummy old Washington. And of course, we all know you’re a man of your word, so while we’re sad to see you go, we’re happy that you’ll be starting a new chapter in your life—effective immediately.” Democratic officials told Breyer that if he retired and got out of town now, they wouldn’t even need to hold the surprise funeral they have planned for him next week.
Miami Private School Bars Vaccinated Teachers #~# A Miami private school is refusing to employ anyone vaccinated against Covid-19 in a decision based on debunked misinformation that says vaccinated people could transmit something harmful to students, angering parents and returning employees alike. What do you think?
Only Tree In Class Sick Of Always Having To Explain Arbor Day #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Already feeling singled out by being the only one in class with leaves, branches, and a trunk, a walnut sapling confirmed this week it was sick of always having to explain Arbor Day at school. “I get it, I grew up in the forest, but why don’t any of the other kids have to stand at the front of the room and give a little speech about their holidays,” said the tree, adding that even though it was raised deciduous, it didn’t even really know much about the holiday’s traditions and history. “It’s just so annoying. Every time the teacher brings up spring, conservation, or anything to do with deforestation, everybody in class turns and looks at me. It’s bad enough that everyone thinks I’m weird for eating carbon dioxide and photosynthesizing at lunch, but having to explain the origins of the National Forest Foundation takes it to another level.” At press time, the tree instinctively bristled when the teacher then asked the only pastry in class to explain National Doughnut Day.
Mel Kiper Touts Draft Pick’s Unprecedented Etiquette Rating From Miss Wiltshire’s Finishing School For Players #~# CLEVELAND—Claiming he has the skills to transform a franchise’s dinner parties, NFL analyst Mel Kiper spent Thursday’s draft touting offensive tackle Christian Darrisaw’s unprecedented etiquette rating from Miss Wiltshire’s finishing school for players. “You have to watch the tape and see this guy having tea, his politeness is off the charts, a total game-changer,” raved Kiper, who noted that Darrisaw’s 114.27 etiquette score was more than 10 points higher than the elite deportment and social grace program had awarded to any college football player in almost 40 years. “From folding his napkin on his lap to his quick, powerful handshake this guy’s mechanics are picture perfect. We’re talking about a player who won’t need a single day of elocution training in the NFL, he’s ready to go on day one. In fact, Miss Wiltshire’s headmistress told me he is talented enough to have the best posture in the game by the end of the year.” At press time, Darrisaw was falling down teams’ boards after a late revelation that he had fabricated a charming anecdote during his exams.
‘Citizen Kane’ Falls Below ‘Paddington 2’ On Rotten Tomatoes #~# Citizen Kane, often cited as the greatest movie of all time, lost its perfect score on film review aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes after a negative 80-year-old critique demoted it below movies like Paddington 2 and The Terminator. What do you think?
Miami Dolphins Just Hoping To Draft Somebody Nice For Once #~# CLEVELAND—Lamenting that they had such bad luck finding good guys in the past, draft experts confirmed Thursday that the Miami Dolphins were just hoping to pick somebody nice for once. “We’ve wasted so many years drafting bad boys and it never works out,” said general manager Chris Grier, clarifying that the team wasn’t necessarily looking to find a soulmate with the 6th overall pick, but nonetheless hoped to find someone who they could just have fun watching game tapes with every week. “It’d be great to meet someone who we could just chill with and not have any drama. We definitely don’t need to sink more time developing another needy project. They always end up leaving us for someone else, who gets to benefit from all the work we put in. It’s not like we need to grow old with this guy, but we’re definitely looking for some stability.” At press time, Grier was slowly panicking after the Dolphins draft pick refused to answer their calls. 
Promoter Confirms Boxing Match Between Floyd Mayweather And YouTuber Olivia Jade #~# LAS VEGAS—Capitalizing on the buzz surrounding high-profile exhibition fights, a promoter confirmed Thursday a boxing match between five-time world champion Floyd Mayweather and YouTuber and Instagram influencer Olivia Jade. “In partnership with Fanmio, Showtime, and Sephora, Mayweather is proud to add a second fight to this exhibition series, this time pitting our man, the 2010s fighter of the decade, against a hungry newcomer with more than one million followers on YouTube, Olivia Jade,” said Mayweather Promotions spokesman Randall Martin, adding that while the 21-year-old daughter of actress Lori Loughlin may lack professional boxing experience, she was more than able to hold her own when challenged to apply a precise liquid cat-eye. “We couldn’t be more thrilled about this matchup between two undefeated fighters, which we hope will bring a lot of new fans to the sport of boxing, as well as boxing fans looking to incorporate highlighter into their beauty routines. I know Floyd in particular is fired up about fighting another social media star who thinks they can step to the champ, and it’s well-documented that he has the necessary training to take on an opponent of her size and stature. We expect this to be one of the most bloody and violent match-ups that we’ve ever seen after Jade posted that she wouldn’t stop until ‘Pretty Boy’ was on the mat.” At press time, it had leaked that Jade was perfecting her contouring and right hook under Italian fashion blogger Chiara Ferragni.
‘Half Life 3’ Announcement? Al-Qaeda Says They Have Something Big Planned That Will Change The World Forever #~# Well, this is the sort of news we love to hear! It’s been years since we heard a peep out of Valve about the elusive final installment in the Half Life trilogy but, in a recent announcement, the militant Islamist group al-Qaeda just claimed they are planning “something big  that will change the world forever,” and you know that can only mean one thing.
Mom Casing Grocery Store Ahead Of Big Sale #~# DENVER—Hoping to get the lay of the land before the day arrived, area mother Alice Zeitman was reportedly casing her local grocery store Thursday ahead of a big sale. “We need to make sure that the actual operation goes off without a hitch, so I’m gathering as much intel as I can ahead of time,” said Zeitman, discreetly taking note of any potential obstacles during the first step in her elaborate plot to slip in and out of the shop while scoring untold canned goods, toiletries, and perishables. “It’s a three man job—I’m the brains, my husband’s the wheel man, and my son Billy can wriggle into the tightest walk-in freezer and make it out with a box of chicken nuggets. This is going to be a ton of planning, and a lot of luck, but if we do it right, we won’t have to get groceries again for weeks.” At press time, the stakes had been raised considerably after Zeitman caught sight of a rival mom downloading the store’s schematics. 
Terrified Zach Wilson Cuts Off Pinky Finger To Get Out Of Draft That Would Ship Him Off To Jets #~# CLEVELAND—Trembling as he gripped a sharp knife and debated which finger he needs the least, a terrified Zach Wilson cut off his pinky finger Thursday to get out of being drafted and shipped off to the Jets. “I’ve heard about what happens there, quarterbacks leave home and they never come back, I don’t want that to happen to me,” said Wilson, who claimed it was not fair that he could be forced to risk his life and not even have any choice or power over the matter. “People will call me a coward but I don’t care, I’m only 21, I’ve got my whole life ahead of me. Even the people that do make it back are ruined forever. I hear Mark Sanchez just wanders around the park mumbling all day before erupting in screaming fits. I’m not the kind of person that can survive that.” At press time, a bleeding, fingerless Wilson was being informed by Jets general manager Joe Douglas that due to an extreme talent shortage, they would be drafting him anyway.
Biden Names Career Diplomat To Serve As White House Pet #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nomination would receive bipartisan approval from the Senate, sources inside the White House confirmed Thursday that Biden has tapped career diplomat Nicholas Burns to serve in his administration as White House pet. “Today, President Joe Biden announced his intent to nominate 27-year U.S. Foreign Service veteran Nicholas Burns to fill the vacancy left behind by the early removal of Major Biden from the post of White House pet,” read a White House press release in part, citing Burns’ stint as foreign policy advisor to Biden’s presidential campaign as evidence that he was extremely well-behaved on long car rides and has already built a rapport with future colleague Champ. “President Biden is certain that Burns’ experience as undersecretary of state for political affairs from 2005 to 2008 will allow  a seamless return to the White House in this new capacity, where his responsibilities will include entertaining the first family’s grandchildren, receiving numerous belly rubs, and doing business in the White House rose garden. As U.S. ambassador to NATO for President George W. Bush and to Greece for President Bill Clinton, Burns has a long history of greeting strangers cordially, never once biting anyone on the job, and is capable of understanding basic commands like sit, stay, and fetch in English, French, Arabic, and Greek. Working under presidents of both parties ensures Burns’ nomination will be swiftly approved, as the Senate is already well-aware that he’s a very good boy.” At press time, the White House announced that even though he answers to Nicholas Burns, the family was strongly considering changing his name to either Pippy or Pal.
Embarrassed CIA Interrogator Realizing He Forgot To Ask Suspect What His Name Is #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting it was far too late into his line of questioning to backtrack, CIA interrogator David Fromm was reportedly embarrassed Thursday after realizing that he forgot to ask the suspect  for his name. “God, I guess I’ll just have to keep calling him ‘buddy,’” said a blushing Fromm, who braced for the suspect to give him a look of disappointment with his nearly swollen-shut eyes. “I just feel like an idiot ’cause I’ve been punching this guy for a half hour. I tried skirting around it by asking him who he works for, but that didn’t help. I think it starts with an A? No, no, I’m thinking of his co-conspirator, Andrew.” At press time, a relieved Fromm realized he would no longer need to ask after killing the suspect.  
Entomologists Identify Moth Species That Evolved To Fly Out Of Poor People’s Wallets #~# CAMBRIDGE—Shedding new light on the diversity of the insect world, a team of Harvard entomologists announced Thursday that they identified a previously unclassified moth species that had evolved to fly out of poor people’s wallets. “Though sightings of this wallet-dwelling specimen have been reported for centuries, we’d never been able to conclusively prove it was its own separate species,” said lead researcher Melanie Lasman, telling reporters that the moth had survived by developing a parasitic relationship with the billfolds of the measliest paupers or, in rare occasions, an extremely stingy miser. “These insects thrive in the dark, cool space of an empty wallet, typically only emerging into a dining establishment or place of business after the cash-strapped bozo has pulled out his pockets and taken a tiny peek into the leather pouch.” Lasman added this was the largest breakthrough in the field since scientists identified the species of fly that accumulate in a cloud around someone who smells bad. 
Scammer Dated 35 Women For Birthday Gifts #~#  A 39-year-old man in Japan was arrested for defrauding at least 35 women of almost $1,000 by telling them he wanted a serious relationship as a way to get lavish gifts for his many made-up birthdays. What do you think?
Biden’s Child-Care Plan To Allow All American Parents To Drop Kids Off At White House Between 8 And 5 #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to help cover costs for working families, President Joe Biden rolled out his child-care plan Wednesday allowing all American parents to drop their kids off at the White House between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. “Starting today, you can drop your tykes right off at the front gate, where a senior adviser will check your child in and escort them to the West Wing,” said Biden, who touted the new program as a convenient centralized location for families from the Mid-Atlantic, Southeastern, and Midwest regions, as well as only a short drive away for those living in the West and Southwest. “We understand how hard it is to be a working parent, so please feel free to bring them down. We’ve allocated over $200 billion for pudding cups, crayons, and dodgeballs for kids of all ages to enjoy. They can explore the Roosevelt Room and dig in the Rose Garden. The White House chef is currently preparing 700,000 PB&Js, so let us know if your child has a nut allergy. But please be warned, if your child does not behave, we will not hesitate to send them to the Guantánamo Bay detention camp.” At press time, Biden added that all children who had not been picked up by 5:30 p.m. would be made wards of the Department of Health and Human Services.
CDC Eases Outdoor Mask Guidelines #~# The CDC has eased the nation’s outdoor mask guidelines, saying unvaccinated Americans can go maskless outside alone or with members of their household while fully vaccinated people can forego masks outside completely unless in large crowds. What do you think?
Top Prospects Of The 2021 NFL Draft #~# Lawrence has been described as a generational talent that could transform a franchise, the kind of praise scrutinizing sports writers reserve for only 5-10 players per draft.
Sweat-Drenched Woman Types Frantically As Countdown Threatens To Release Temporarily Reserved Show Tickets #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Wiping beads of sweat from her brow as the web page’s 5-minute time limit rapidly approached zero, local woman Justine Nichols typed frantically Wednesday as a countdown threatened to release temporarily reserved show tickets. “Oh my God, oh my God, hurry up, I don’t have time for this,” whispered a trembling Nichols, pressing her fingernails deep into her palms as the information page stalled, froze, and automatically refreshed while she entered her name, selected her seats, and typed in her credit card information. “No, no, no. I said two tickets. Not four. And this isn’t the night I wanted. Do I have to go back to the previous page to change nights? Or will that erase everything? Shit. It’s only been about 60 seconds and already the seats are 50% gone. God, this website sucks. Load faster. Load faster!” At press time, Nichols let out a long, pained scream after clicking “submit” only to have the internet shut down in her apartment just before completing the transaction.
Researchers Determine Coelacanth Faked Own Extinction To Escape Massive Gambling Debt #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Admitting that the shifty fish has managed to evade detection by mankind for thousands of years, researchers at the University of Michigan Museum of Paleontology discovered Wednesday that the coelacanth successfully faked its own extinction in order to escape a massive gambling debt. “For years we thought all but one related species was gone from this planet forever, but after recent discoveries, we now know it had gone into hiding in the Indian Ocean because it was in deep with some pretty rough customers,” said research professor Marcus Zambrano, who claimed the rare fish only resurfaced recently after it had built a new life for itself and was sure the heat had died down. “It made a dumb bet with the wrong people, but it wasn’t just thinking about itself. It knew if it stuck around something could happen to other species it cared about, because the mob was constantly threatening them—that’s why it had to disappear. We might think it’s cowardly to pretend to be extinct for hundreds of thousands of years, but in the end, it did what had to be done, and it survived.” At press time, the coelacanth was in a full-on panic after putting every shell it owned on the Hawks getting plus eight against the 76ers.
God Frustrated After Google Search Reveals Octopuses Already Exist #~# THE HEAVENS—Expressing annoyance at losing nearly a millennium of good work following the discovery, The Lord God Almighty was reportedly frustrated Wednesday after a Google search revealed that octopuses already exist. “Goddamnit, I’ve been filling up Moleskins with sketches of suction cup-covered tentacles and spineless bodies for centuries  and no one thought to tell me this had already been done—unbelievable,” said The Supreme Being, who became visibly disappointed after typing “beak suction 8 legs” into His laptop’s browser, resulting in thousands of images of a marine mollusk exactly matching the planned creation. “When this crazy eight-legged monster came to me in a dream, I thought ‘There’s no way anyone already came up with something this far out.’  Boy, I could not have been more wrong. Octopus is a much better name than flibberflap, too. No wonder St. Peter was acting all cagey when I mentioned my idea for this crazy creature.” At press time, God had decided to just add a few legs and the ability to squirt ink and hope that he could chalk up any other similarities to convergent thinking.
Biden’s First 100 Days: Did He Keep His Campaign Promises? #~# April 29 marks President Joe Biden’s 100th day in office, a milestone that is traditionally used to evaluate whether a president is keeping or deviating from their campaign promises. The Onion evaluates whether Biden kept his campaign promises.
Woman Faces 21-Year-Old Felony Charges For Unreturned VHS Tape #~# A Texas woman was recently notified of an outstanding warrant for her arrest on felony embezzlement charges after not returning a Sabrina The Teenage Witch VHS tape 21 years ago to a now-closed rental store. What do you think?
E.U. Will Allow Vaccinated U.S. Tourists This Summer #~# According to E.U. officials, fully vaccinated American tourists will be allowed to visit countries within the European Union this summer, though there is no official timeline or approved system for determining passengers’ Covid-19 vaccination status yet. What do you think?
Most Controversial Elections In Other Countries #~# You might think the U.S. political system is crazy after the 2020 election, but it’s nothing compared to elections around the world. Here are some of the most heated and disputed transfers of power from all over the globe.
U.S. Sends Developing Countries 70 Million Vaccinated Americans #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to a brutal second wave of Covid-19 ravaging nations across the world, the United States announced Tuesday that they had sent developing countries 70 million vaccinated Americans. “We’re disturbed and heartbroken by the devastation that coronavirus has wreaked on India, which is why we’re sending over millions of happy, healthy Americans to serve as a kind of aspirational model,” said Biden, who promised he wouldn’t stop exporting Americans until the whole world knew the U.S had reached herd immunity. “Pfizer, Moderna, and Johnson & Johnson—these are the life-saving vaccines our citizens have received. We’ll be sending these Americans to tour and enjoy these nation’s most populated cities. We’ve also pledged to donate equipment such as picnic baskets and volleyball nets that Americans can use while they’re there.” At press time, Biden shared his hope that the donations would have the added effect of strengthening the U.S.’s allyship with developing nations by making a significant portion of their population American. 
Guys With Pickup Outside Funeral Parlor Will Bury Grandma For Cheaper #~# TOLEDO, OH—Assuring the potential customer that his guys were their best shot at a decent deal in town, a group of men with a pickup outside Peabody Funeral Parlor told a  grieving family Tuesday that they would be able to bury their grandmother for much cheaper. “Trust me, you’re gonna get hosed if you stick with the funeral director in there—we got the shovels and ropes in the backseat, so we can do this right away,” said Tom Sanford, one of the men gathered around the beat-up truck promising to get the job done in less than 45 minutes or their money back. “We got a real beaut of a plot out behind the quarry, and we’ll treat grandma right. Don’t worry about it, folks. We’re professionals. Let me just ask: How much are they asking for the coffin? I bet we can do it for half as much.” Sanford added that he could sweeten the deal if the family threw in a few other relatives for burial.
Hair Donation Charities Overwhelmed #~# Some hair donation charities that make wigs for cancer patients are experiencing an influx in donations from people who delayed haircuts during the pandemic, with one charity receiving over 90 pounds of hair from one salon. What do you think?
Dock Worker Feeling Unfair Pressure To Be Ornery Tough Guy #~# HOBOKEN, NEW JERSEY—Explaining how it was one of the major downsides of his job, local dock worker Edie O’Connor told reporters Monday that he feels unfair pressure to be an ornery tough guy. “Everyone sees my gruff, muscular appearance and they immediately assume that I’m some big bully when that couldn’t be further from the truth,” said O’Connor, outfitted in dungarees and a knit cap, bemoaning the way society expects him to act pugnacious just because he loads up shipping vessels for a living. “If they actually took a moment to look past my soot-covered exterior, they’d see that, inside, I’m a big ol’ softie—I mean, heck, my favorite thing to do at the end of the day is draw a bath and read some poetry. I mean, sure, maybe I bring it upon myself by grunting too much and smoking three packs a day, but still, I wish people would learn not to judge a book by its cover.” After getting too worked up about the way people judge him, an angry O’Connor let his anger out by bashing in the head of a fellow longshoreman who was speaking out of line.
Students Excited After Teacher Announces Class Being Held Outside While Police Investigate Shooting #~# LEXINGTON, KY—In response to the abrupt change to the day’s schedule, students at Landon Middle School in Lexington, KY were reportedly excited Monday after their teacher announced class would be held outside while police investigated a school shooting. “Sitting outside in the sun is so much better than being locked inside a boring classroom during an investigation,” said 13-year-old Monica Jepson, frantically waving at her friends to come sit by her on the grass as they were ushered to an area deemed far enough away from the crime scene. “It’s so nice to stretch our legs and breathe the fresh air instead of the stench of gun fire. I wish we could do this more often.” At press time, students cheered after the principal announced that everyone would get to go home early to make sure their parents knew they were safe.
‘Does This Help?’ Says Panicking Academy President Holding Up Anthony Hopkins’ Decapitated Head #~# LOS ANGELES—Responding with swift action to the outpouring of criticism for failing to honor the late Chadwick Boseman, panicking president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences David Rubin held up Anthony Hopkins’ severed head in a Monday press conference while asking, “Does this help?” “To fans expressing their disappointment with last night’s Best Actor decision, just know that the Academy hears you and we have murdered Sir Anthony Hopkins to make things right,” said Rubin, brandishing the bloody head of the 82-year-old actor. “We’re deeply sorry if anyone felt spurned by our voters’ judgment, and we hope this small act can begin rebuilding trust. If it’s any consolation, Mr. Hopkins suffered unimaginably in his final moments.” At press time, Rubin added that they could also murder the rest of Anthony Hopkins’ family if further amends were needed.
‘Nomadland’ Wins Best Picture At Oscars #~# Nomadland, the epic odyssey of American itinerants living out of vans as they search for work, won Best Picture at the 93rd Academy Awards while its director Chloé Zhao became the first woman of color to win Best Director. What do you think?
Ask The Onion: How To Retire Comfortably #~# In today’s world of financial uncertainty, it can be hard to tell when, and how, to ever stop working. You asked The Onion your most pressing questions about retirement, and now, we have the answers.
USDA Extends Universal Free School Lunch #~# The USDA has extended universal free school lunch through 2022 as part of efforts to smoothly reopen schools, bringing relief to millions of food-insecure families, particularly those hit hardest during the pandemic. What do you think? 
Oscar Attendees Flee As Actors Featured During In Memoriam Segment Crawl Out Of Screen, Devour Gary Oldman #~# LOS ANGELES—Screaming in terror at the approaching hordes of hissing, red-eyed former celebrities, attendees at the 93rd Academy Awards fled Sunday as the actors featured during the ceremony’s “In Memoriam” segment crawled out of the screen and began devouring Gary Oldman. “Oh Christ, now Aaron Sorkin’s lying in a pool of his own blood while the horrible, ravening mouths of Jerry Stiller and Ian Holm lap it up,” said nominee Vanessa Kirby, stabbing her heel into the skull of a lumbering, moaning Wilford Brimley before rushing towards the exit. “It all happened so fast, the documentary short nominees never stood a chance against Kirk Douglas. Fuck, it’s carnage, absolute carnage.” At press time, a skittering Jessica Walter had dropped from the ceiling above Kirby and punctured her jugular. 
Republicans Argue D.C. Statehood Slippery Slope To District One Day Becoming Own Planet #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking out against H.R. 51, which has now cleared the House and made its way to the Senate, congressional Republicans argued Friday that granting Washington, D.C. statehood would be a slippery slope to the District one day becoming its own planet. “If the tiny District of Columbia is admitted as the 51st state, what’s to stop it from going on to ask for recognition as a sovereign country, continent, or planetary body?” Rep. Nancy Mace (R-SC) said in an impassioned plea to senators, warning them to stop the bill or risk emboldening D.C. to slowly grow more spherical and, before long, call for its release from Earth’s gravitational pull. “Sure, we could give in to the District’s demands for representation in Congress, but pretty soon it will expect its own orbital path around the sun—a blatant power grab for Democrats that would throw off the balance of the whole solar system. It was just a few years ago that we acknowledged Pluto wasn’t big enough to be a planet. Do we now want to grant that status to a town of less than 70 square miles? Please.” Mace went on to add that if Democrats succeeded in passing H.R. 51, there would be nothing left to stop California from spiraling into its own liberal galaxy.
LeVar Burton To Guest Host ‘Jeopardy!’ After Petition #~# Former Reading Rainbow host and Star Trek: The Next Generation star LeVar Burton will guest host Jeopardy! this summer after a fan petition asking calling on the show to hire him garnered nearly 250,000 signatures. What do you think?
First Vaccinated Outing Kind Of A Bust #~# ORLAND PARK, IL—After spending over a year restricting their trips away from home to only those that were necessary, the Myers family informed reporters Friday that their first vaccinated outing was kind of a bust. “It took forever to get the kids out the door, then our table wasn’t ready, then the food arrived late, and most of it was overcooked,” said Emilie Myers of the family of five’s trip to a local Dave & Buster’s, which began to fall flat almost immediately after their 7-year-old started throwing a fit over not being able to go to P.F. Chang’s instead, then continued to decline when their car nearly got hit in the parking lot and scared everyone. “It’s been a few weeks since Alan and I got our second vaccines, and we figured it would be okay to go out, but I don’t think it was worth it. We wanted to stop for ice cream on the way home for the kids’ first one since before the pandemic started, and then they were out of almost everything. We planned to go for a walk, but by then everyone was so cranky we just wanted to go home. And don’t even get me started on Alan fighting with the hostess over the mask thing. What a nightmare.” At press time, 13-year-old Sadie Myers was beginning to exhibit symptoms of Covid.
Person Criticizing Police Has No Idea What It’s Like To Wake Up Every Day And Put Lives In Danger #~# SAXONBURG, OH—Saying his naïve views failed to account for the unique difficulties of law enforcement, sources confirmed Friday that Charles Laurent, a man who criticized police tactics, did not have any idea what it was like to wake up every day and do a job that put lives in danger. “Unless you’re actually out there responding to a call, faced with the prospect that at any moment you could kill someone, then frankly, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” said local Police Chief Joshua Bennett, adding that until Laurent had put on a uniform, gotten in a squad car, and confronted a highly charged situation that he then escalated until it became violent and deadly, he ought to keep his mouth shut. “Sure, it’s easy to point a finger at police and call for them to resign. But how would you react during a tense encounter if you were an officer who spent all his time out on the streets making people fear for their safety and the safety of those around them? I’ve been on the force 20 years, and let me tell you, when you go to work each day knowing that you may be intimidating, assaulting, or even murdering members of the community—well, it’s harder than it looks.” The chief went on to say that if Laurent was so concerned about the state of policing, then maybe he should enroll in the academy and see for himself what it was like to become a lethal threat to the public.
Slaughterhouse Cow Frets Over Personal Contributions To Climate Change #~# VICTORIA, KS—Expressing concerns about her role in negatively impacting the planet, a local cow on her way to be slaughtered Friday was reportedly fretting about her personal contributions to climate change. “When I consider all the ozone-depleting methane I carelessly emitted over the course of my lifetime, it makes me a little sick,” said the bovine, acknowledging that she had individually consumed thousands of pounds of plant matter that could otherwise be absorbing carbon dioxide. “I know that I’m just one farm animal and it doesn’t make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things, but then again, everyone having that attitude is how we got in this mess. And then I start thinking about all the plastic they’re going to have to use to wrap up the pieces of me, and all the fossil fuels the trucks emit to get me to the grocery store, and I just start spiraling.” At press time, the cow couldn’t help expressing some regret that she hadn’t committed to reducing her carbon footprint by becoming veal.
Nation’s Bald Citizens Band Together To Demand Their Heads Stop Being Used As Bongos #~# WASHINGTON—Holding a press conference with their  hairless scalps proudly exposed, the nation’s bald citizens Friday  demanded  that people stop using their heads as bongos. “For too long,  America’s bald men have stood silently as friends, family, and random  children slapped their palms against their head to play a simple beat,”  said 45-year-organizer Richard Clemmons, adding that although they’ve  endured being used to mime Martillo rhythms for generations, it all ends  today. “Yes, it may seem fun to sneak up behind us while music is  playing in a restaurant, at a concert, or even our own weddings, but we  are not percussion instruments—we are people. My skull is not your drum, and may not  be used to keep a beat. Beneath this bald head lies a brain, and  beneath that, a heart.” At press time, the nation’s bald citizens also  demanded people stop spitting on their heads and using their shirt to  shine their bald skin like a bowling ball.
Tim Cook Unveils Air Fryer He Got For Christmas #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Kicking off the company’s much-anticipated spring product launch, Apple CEO Tim Cook used a widely viewed virtual event this week to unveil the brand-new air fryer he got for Christmas. “Today we stand at the dawn of a new era in convenient home cooking,” Cook said during a live stream  in which he marveled over a countertop appliance that did not seem to be an Apple product and never offered a response to participants who flooded the chat box to inquire about the long-rumored AirTag tracking device and a redesigned iMac. “This thing’s amazing! You put meat, veggies, or a dessert in there, and you can cook it up with a lot less oil than you would use on the stove top. Me, I mostly just use the thing to make fries, but it has all these one-touch cooking functions that make it easy to do onion rings, wings, chicken parm, even cheeseburgers—anything you want to make hot and crispy, I guess. Plus, there’s no stubborn grease to clean up after, so it’s no muss, no fuss. Pretty cool, huh? My sister got me this one, even though we said no gifts this Christmas, and boy, am I glad she did. There’s a ton of recipes for it on YouTube, and I think you can get them for like 70 or 80 bucks on Amazon.” Thirty minutes into the presentation, only a handful of attendees remained on the stream as Cook continued to tout the virtues of the device and demonstrated how to whip up a batch of churros for a quick snack.
Whole Foods Testing Palm-Scanner Payment System #~# Whole Foods is testing a new payment system called Amazon One that enables store registers to scan the customer’s palm print, linking it to their debit or credit card as an additional contactless payment option. What do you think?
‘Anyone See ‘Ted Lasso’?’ Biden Asks World Leaders, Trying To Steer Conversation Away From Depressing Topic Like Climate Change #~# WASHINGTON—Moments after the international summit commenced, President Joe Biden attempted to steer world leaders away from the depressing topic of climate change by asking if anyone had seen the Apple+ sitcom Ted Lasso. “Before we move onto that IPCC models stuff, I wanted to ask: Anyone seen this new sitcom? Basically, it’s a classic fish-out-of-water setup about an American soccer coach in England—and, let me say, Jason Sudeikis plays the role to a tee,” said the president, addressing the largely silent foreign diplomats as he described a running gag involving Lasso bringing in homemade cookies to his ornery boss as an encapsulation of the show’s charm, before turning to Japanese PM Yoshihide Suga to explain that it was the same guy who made Scrubs and Cougar Town. “Now, I’ll be the first to admit it can get a little treacly at time, but this isn’t a show that’s trying to reinvent the wheel. Sometimes, you just want something to pick you up after a long day at work. Oh wait, let me show you this clip of Sudeikis accepting his Golden Globe. I promise you’ll like this, Macron.” At press time, Biden had cut off a discussion about dangerous concentrations of hydrofluorocarbons in the atmosphere to announce unprompted that he could really go for some Indian food right about now.
Experts Warn Acknowledgement Of Armenian Genocide Risks Drawing U.S. Into WWI #~# WASHINGTON—Urging national leaders to “tread carefully,” top experts from the Council on Foreign Relations warned Thursday that acknowledging the Armenian genocide could risk drawing the U.S. into WWI. “The mass killings of the Armenian people was a tragedy, but we fear acknowledging the ethnic cleansing of one million Armenians now would only provoke the Ottoman Empire,” said Steven A. Cook, who added that recognizing the brutal mass murder of Armenians could also upset the delicately balanced alliance system created by Otto von Bismarck. “Nothing is more important than American neutrality. President Biden was elected on a platform of neutrality, after all. The U.S. has successfully avoided entering the European conflict for over a century, and we don’t want a conflict with the sultan and his allies now.” At press time, the Senate had passed a resolution declaring war on Germany.
Biden Sends In Troops To Liberate Afghanistan From U.S. #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that the United States could not stand idly by while such a grave injustice occurred on the world stage, President Joe Biden announced plans Thursday to send troops to liberate Afghanistan from the U.S. “For far too long, the people of Afghanistan have been at the mercy of a foreign invader, and as the world’s leader in protecting humanitarian rights, America has no choice but to send the American military to Afghanistan until we can drive America out,” said Biden, adding that while he had not made the decision lightly, he believed U.S. military force was necessary to expel the foreign American invaders and restore the sovereignty of the Afghan people. “The brutal U.S. regime has been devastating the Afghan people for far too long, and we must take a stand. We believe that our first deployment of 50,000 U.S. troops will be able to drive the U.S. troops out of Afghanistan within a few months, and we intend to retain a military presence in Afghanistan as long as necessary to ensure that America does not interfere with the Afghan peoples’ efforts to establish self-determination as well as free and fair elections. It’s imperative that the Afghan people are able to determine their own future without the overreaching foreign influence that they’ve been facing for decades.” At press time, Biden announced a new plan to send in U.S. forces to liberate Afghanistan from the U.S. forces he’d sent to liberate Afghanistan from U.S. forces.
Steven Soderbergh Producing ‘Cinematic’ Oscars Ceremony #~# Steven Soderbergh, director of the Ocean’s 11 franchise and Erin Brockovich, will be co-producing this Sunday’s 93rd Academy Awards ceremony, employing several cinematic techniques to update the show and make it “feel like a film.” What do you think?
Jesus Christ: Shigeru Miyamoto Has Confirmed That Every Nintendo Switch Is Wired To Explode If His Heart Stops For Any Reason #~# Yikes, well, we’ve got some pretty terrifying news. Shigeru Miyamoto has just confirmed that every Nintendo Switch on Earth is wired with explosives to detonate if his heart stops for any reason.
Milwaukee Promotes Itself As Hip, Affordable Place To Live With All The Police Brutality Of Chicago #~# MILWAUKEE—In an effort to attract new residents to the city, Milwaukee rolled out a new campaign Thursday promoting itself as a hip, affordable place to live with all the police brutality of Chicago. “As one of the top up-and-coming midsize cities in America with great restaurants, an amazing entertainment district, and a police presence that terrorizes Black neighborhoods 24/7, there’s never been a better time to move to Milwaukee,” said Mayor Tom Barrett, who invited budget-minded Gen Z and millennial professionals to come experience the same level of disparity between Black and white residents at half the price. “You don’t have to move to a big, expensive metropolis to live in fear. Milwaukee is so vibrant you can practically feel the violent energy radiating off our police department. We may not be as big in size as some cities, but you couldn’t find a better worse place for Black people.” At press time, Barrett had unveiled a banner touting Milwaukee as the most segregated city in America.
NCAA Women’s Locker Room Just 3 Loose Garbage Bags Next To Couple Lawn Chairs #~# LAWRENCE, KS—Boasting a functioning door and a cardboard box with free bandages, sources at the University of Kansas confirmed Thursday that the training gym and locker room for its NCAA female athletes were three loose garbage bags next to a couple old lawn chairs. “This facility is one of the best in college women’s athletics. Right over there we got a brand new leaky pipe, and the wall has been painted a uniform grey color within the last decade,” said athletic department spokesperson Felix Becker, who noted that the dirt lot outside the gym could be used for sprinting and contained several rotting logs perfect for weight training. “The garbage bags are ideal for storing personal items, and if you need to do a little extra cardio, you can use the loose electrical cords as jump ropes. The state-of-the-art lawn chairs provide a great place to rest as long as you don’t sit with your full body weight. We’re even looking at investing in bringing in a few rocks to toss around. Most high-level gyms don’t have that.” Becker added that if any athletes wanted to clean up after their workout, it usually rained about once a week.
Study Finds Salmon Complete Transatlantic Voyage Using Same Teleportation Chamber As Ancestors #~# CAMBRIDGE—Shedding new light on the breeding patterns of the species, an oceanography study published Thursday by Harvard scientists revealed that salmon complete their annual transatlantic voyage using the same teleportation chamber as their ancestors. “This discovery helps solve the mystery of how these fish are able to travel hundreds of thousands of miles through the ocean to make it back to the rivers and streams where they were born,” said lead researcher Andy Nkosi, confirming that each generation of fish passes the exact geographic coordinates to press into the mass transporter’s keypad on to their offspring. “It’s fascinating to see how nature has responded to this unique ecological practice—it’s not an uncommon sight to see bears standing in wait right outside the teleporter in the hopes of catching a salmon as they resolidify after warping to fresh water.” Nkosi added that the salmon typically died shortly after spawning due to their destabilized DNA making their bodies disintegrate. 
City Recycling Program Requires Residents To Sort, Sanitize, Melt, Re-Form, Label, Fill Bottles Before Placing In Bin #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to ensure all discarded plastic, metal, and glass is properly processed, the City of Chicago introduced a new recycling program Thursday that requires residents to sort, sanitize, melt, re-form, label, and fill bottles before placing them in a bin. “Starting today, all recyclable materials must be cleaned, itemized, heat-treated, poured into a mold, tagged with the correct sticker, and deposited in a blue container by the curb,” said Department of Streets and Sanitation spokesperson Cassandra Reed, adding that the 20-step procedure was the easiest, most efficient way for the city to handle the more than 100,000 tons of recycling it picks up from blue carts each year. “When recycling metal, residents need to compress their cans into rectangular bales, shred them, and liquefy them in a vat, after which each household must contract with a certified wholesaler capable of finding a buyer for the resulting product. In the case of glass, bottles must be crushed and placed in an industrial blast furnace before being recast, filled with a beverage of the resident’s choice, and deemed acceptable by a city-approved vendor. Again, if your blue bin contains materials that have not been reduced to their absolute rawest form and then re-fabricated and rebranded for commercial resale, the city will not pick up your recycling, and you will receive a fine.” At press time, sources confirmed the new program had come under fire after investigators discovered that 90% of the reconstituted, sterilized, polished, and re-labeled materials collected by the city had been thrown directly into landfills.
Study: Lack Of Sleep In Middle Age Linked To Dementia #~# A 25-year-long study found that people who sleep less than an average of six hours a night in middle age are 30% more likely to develop dementia when they are older. What do you think?
NCAA Fines Alabama Football Players For Receiving Championship Rings As Gifts #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—Saying that they wanted to make an example out of the 2020 College Football Playoffs winner, the NCAA fined Alabama football players Thursday for receiving championship rings as gifts. “This is a flagrant violation of NCAA policy and we have no choice but to penalize these careless student athletes,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert, who added that Crimson Tide alumni who flaunted their championship rings on the sideline would be permanently banned from attending games moving forward. “We’re levying fines to the university for awarding these garish rings. We’re also considering taking legal action against whoever made them, as they clearly have too much influence. These are amateur athletes and this quid pro quo gift-giving goes against everything we stand for.” At press time, the NCAA banned Alabama football from bowl games after discovering coaches rewarded star defenders with a gold-plated turnover belt.
Kanye’s Response To Divorce Filing Blatantly Samples Kim Kardashian’s Petition #~# CODY, WY—Referring to the rapper and designer’s latest effort as derivative and lacking the spark present at the start of his career, critics slammed Kanye West for his divorce response Wednesday for blatantly sampling Kim Kardashian’s divorce petition. “Sure, he chopped up the part about spousal support, but you can see Kim’s fingerprints all over this thing,” said rap personality James Harnett, who noted West’s choice to “namecheck” the same children in his statement. “He lifted phrases word for word in that section about their irreconcilable differences. The only thing Ye’s bringing to the divorce paperwork is a rant about Christianity. That part where he goes “hmmmm” was probably written by Kid Cudi, but he’s not credited. I hope he at least cleared the sample with Kim because that could lead to even more legal troubles.” At press time, Harnett conceded that it was “pretty dope” when Kanye sampled Reba McEntire’s “Every Other Weekend” for the section on joint custody. 
So-Called ‘Anti-Riot’ Bill Signed Into Florida Law #~# A new “anti-riot” bill in Florida has been signed into law, enhancing penalties during a protest that authorities can classify as a “riot” in broad terms and offering civil immunity to drivers who hit protesters. What do you think?
FBI Says Chauvin Matches Profile Of Blue-Uniformed Killer Behind Hundreds More Unsolved Murders #~# WASHINGTON—Suggesting a disturbing pattern of behavior stretching back decades, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Wednesday that convicted murderer Derek Chauvin closely matches the profile of a mysterious blue-uniformed killer behind hundreds more unsolved slayings nationwide. “The suspect’s M.O. is clear. He dons a blue uniform much like Mr. Chauvin’s, stalks unarmed men who are disproportionately Black, and often obsessively uses the same three murder tactics: a nightstick, sidearm, or choke hold,” said FBI chief Christopher Wray, noting that the Blue Hat Killer, as the murderer was known, could be linked to hundreds of cold cases in Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Milwaukee, Houston, and other major cities and towns across America. “There may even be some sort of fetishistic aspect as well, because many bystanders report this individual continually carries around handcuffs, which I would add Mr. Chauvin had on his person. Frankly, if we can confirm he was responsible for these horrific deaths, it would finally bring much-needed relief to thousands of families who despaired about ever receiving justice.” Wray added that time was of the essence in substantiating the link due to testimony suggesting the Blue Hat Killer kept even more still-living victims locked away in dingy lightless cells.
Nation Unable To Quell Insatiable Appetite For All Things ‘Mank’ #~# NEW YORK—As increasingly panicked authorities worried that even the Oscars wouldn’t slow down the delirious phenomenon rapidly sweeping the country, several reports confirmed Wednesday that the nation was unable to quell its insatiable appetite for all things Mank. “Frankly, we’re in the midst of a Mank mania right now, and even more troubling, the Mank train shows no signs of slowing down,” read reports from cultural trend-watchers on the explosive adoration for the 2020 film Mank that had gripped an increasingly hysterical U.S. populace, citing evidence of what is increasingly being called a “Mank moment” that ranged from the deluge of Mank memorabilia to popular TikTok channels where viral stars acted out scenes from Mank. “Frankly, we’ve never seen anything like how absolutely crazy everyone’s gone for Mank. Everywhere you look, from billboards to teenage girls’ bedroom walls, there are pictures of Mank star Gary Oldman, and fashion trends indicate that everyone wants to look like Mank. Even small children have been spotted with Mank backpacks.  Easily half of new internet content is about Mank as news sites desperately try to fill their readers’ unquenchable thirst for Mank, and we expect that to increase due to the fervor surrounding the new cryptocurrency Mankcoin. We’re also witnessing the rise of Mank-caves, where men hang their Mank posters and drink cocktails based on those consumed in Mank. And it’s not just America; China and India are going absolutely hog-wild for Mank, and we anticipate Mank mania growing even larger after the release of the new ‘Mank Anthem’ collaboration by Drake, Bad Bunny, and Travis Scott, as well as the debut of the McDonald’s MankBurger and Kraft’s Mankaroni and Cheese. Given where we assume things are headed, there’s certainly no question that 2021 will go down as the year of Mank.” At press time, FBI officials revealed they were following up on credible reports of several political assassinations being planned by increasingly delusional devotees convinced of a new global order heralded by the arrival of Mank.
Dad Explains Geologic Concept To Family As If He Not Reading Straight From National Park Wayside Exhibit #~# WEST YELLOWSTONE, MT—Squinting to make out the small text on the sign before him, local father Brian Chamberlin was reportedly explaining the geologic concept of geysers to his family Wednesday as if he was not reading straight from the National Park’s wayside exhibit. “Geysers, like the one you have here, are an incredible geologic phenomena that occur when water and steam erupt from below the Earth’s surface,” said Chamberlin, who read nearly word for word from the panel placed in plain view of his wife and two sons without displaying so much as a hint of shame. “This geyser is just one of more than 500 you can find within Yellowstone National Park. Geysers are also home to microscopic creatures called thermophiles, though we cannot see them with our naked eye. Did you know thermophiles are what give geysers and hot springs their signature colors?” At press time, Chamberlin was too caught up in the midst of explaining mineral deposits to notice his entire family had drifted away. 
EPA Hoping To Streamline Ecosystem By Hosting Team-Building Lunch Meet-And-Greets Between Species #~# WASHINGTON—Bemoaning the lack of cooperation that has left U.S. species struggling with massive inefficiencies, the Environmental Protection Agency announced Wednesday it hoped to streamline ecosystem performance by hosting the nation’s organisms at a series of team-building meet-and-greet lunches. “Right now, there is barely any constructive dialogue across America’s many varied habitats, but hopefully when they sit down together over a meal of hay, our moose, pronghorn, and deer will exchange ideas about how to make better use of the resources at their disposal,” said EPA administrator Michael S. Regan, who noted that the meetings would be voluntary at first, feature free food and water, and take place from noon until 1:30 p.m. at convenient locations throughout the country. “It might not seem like prairie dogs and armadillos have much to say to each other, but who knows? If they get to talking, they might be able to swap tips about surviving in the southern plains. Not everyone is on board yet—the bison, in particular, have said their current workload leaves them with little time for more meetings—but we think eventually all these species will realize they are far better off when we all pull in the same direction.” Regan added that he couldn’t wait to get the coniferous and deciduous trees together in the same space and see what kind of innovation occurs when those two have a chance to cross-pollinate.
What To Know About America’s Refugee Resettlement Program #~# President Biden recently received criticism for announcing that he would not raise the cap on the number of refugees admitted to the U.S. as part of the nation’s resettlement program, shining a spotlight on a institution many Americans don’t know much about. The Onion answers common questions about the U.S. refugee resettlement program.
Elon Musk Unveils Urban Slingshot System Able To Move 6 Pedestrians Across Street Per Hour #~# AUSTIN—Boasting that the system used 75% less power than normal cars and could be installed on almost any street corner with 400 square feet of free space, Tesla CEO Elon Musk unveiled a new urban slingshot system Wednesday that he claimed was capable of of moving up to six pedestrians across the street per hour. “America is still stuck in the 19th century when it comes to crossing the street, but I know we can do better,” said Musk, presenting a detailed rendering of the integrated “Skypod” crossing system that would launch sealed, individually seated pedestrians pods with a motorized sling above the street to a predetermined location on the adjoining sidewalk. “Getting to the other side of the street used to mean wasting energy by using your legs and being exposed to dozens of other people, but that is in the past. Each crossing network costs only $10 million to install and is fully automated, with a climate-controlled environment for the five-minute loading process and journey across the street. And while there have been several instances of the pods crushing pedestrians when they land, I can assure you the lawsuit costs are nothing compared to the savings over helicopter crossing.” At press time, 34 cities across the country had bid more than $10 billion to become the first Skypod City.
HHS Ending Trump-Era Abortion ‘Gag Rule’ #~# The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has begun undoing a Trump-era ban on clinics referring women for abortions, a policy that has resulted in 1.5 million fewer women receiving care and contributed to an estimated 180,000 unintended pregnancies. What do you think?
Depressed Police Officer Reminds Self That Chauvin Verdict Not Representative Of System At Large #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Shaken by the guilty verdict delivered in the trial of Derek Chauvin, local police officer Edward Margolin took comfort Tuesday by remembering that this outcome wasn’t representative of the system at large. “Moments like this can be tough, but it helps to take a step back and remember that this is the exception that proves the rule,” said Margolin, confirming that despite the conviction he still believed in the justice system’s fundamental purpose of exonerating police officers. “In these trying times, I remember everything I have to be grateful for—qualified immunity, powerful police associations, massive budgets, and all the officers I know who have done similar stuff to Chauvin and gotten away scot-free, and it starts to make me calm down. It’s important not to let a little hiccup like this make you lose sight of the big picture.” At press time, a cheerful Margolin had fully regained his faith in the system after taking out a baton and breaking a demonstrator’s arm.
NASA Helicopter Flies On Mars #~# NASA’s solar-powered Ingenuity Mars Helicopter became the first aircraft in history to make a powered, controlled flight on another planet, logging a 39-second flight reaching 10 feet above the Martian surface. What do you think?
Police Ask Tesla To Drive In Straight Line, Recite Alphabet Backwards After Vehicle Crashes Into Tree #~# AUSTIN, TX—Flashing their sirens and directing the swerving, damaged Model 3 to pull over on the side of the road, police asked a white, 2019 Tesla to drive in a straight line and recite the alphabet backwards Tuesday after the vehicle crashed into a tree. “Well, well, well, it’s the middle of the day, and we’ve got a self-driving automated vehicle traveling well above the speed limit, swerving between lanes, and running red lights,” said the officer, who then got out of his squad car, walked up to the mid-size sedan, and asked it various questions about where it had been, where its driver was, and why it was going 80 mph in a 30 mph zone, only to receive no response. “Uh huh. Now, I’m going to hold up this pen and move it side to side, and I’m going to need you to follow it with your headlights. After that, I’m going to ask you to put yourself in drive, inch towards me, then stop, then move your left side mirror, and open your sunroof. And if you can’t do that? Looks like you’re coming downtown with me.” At press time, the officer was spotted shaking his head and releasing the Tesla from a tow truck after the car reportedly called the governor and threatened to raise hell.
Knicks Praised For Embodying New York Spirit Of Overhyped Media Creations #~# NEW YORK—Effusively boasting over the connection long-time New Yorkers feel to this up-and-coming team, media and fans praised the Knicks Tuesday for embodying the city’s true spirit of overhyped media creations. “It feels great to see a Knicks team that can speak to New York by turning the smallest run of success into inescapable nationwide hype,” said New York resident Damien Bradley, who raved about Knicks’ power forward Julius Randle being the second coming of Kevin Garnett. “Every night, those guys go out there and get way more praise than they deserve. The amount of media attention dedicated to this team just speaks to the people of this city. They are what New York is all about, which is being constantly praised for what Boston and Philadelphia actually do better.” At press time, the New York Post had sparked debate by claiming this team could become even more overpraised and overrated than the early ’70s New York Knicks.
Jimmy Carter Shaken To See Friend Walter Mondale Die So Young #~# PLAINS, GA— Struggling to process the sudden and unexpected loss, former President Jimmy Carter was reportedly feeling shaken Tuesday to see his friend Walter Mondale die so young. “I can’t believe Walter’s gone—and cut down in his prime, at that,” said the 39th president of the United States, who pledged to no longer take life for granted and live each day to its fullest after learning the former vice president, 93, had died at home on Monday. “I know I still have decades ahead of me, but wow, this just goes to show that anything can happen. This is crazy. Just the other day we were playing tennis, and now poof, he’s gone. And to think he’s never going to have great, great, great grandkids.” At press time, Carter had set off to process his grief in the mountains on the Appalachian Trail.
Grammy-Winning Musicians Describe Their Writing Process #~# Whether they are rappers, country singers, or EDM DJs, the best musicians create a profound connection to their listeners through beat, lyric, and rhythm. We asked several Grammy-winning artists to describe their writing process, and this is what they said.
Homicide Detectives Announce They Looking For Real Knockout After Discovering Long Blond Strand Of Hair At Crime Scene #~# NEW YORK—Requesting the public come forward with any information they might have regarding the absolute bombshell, New York City homicide detectives announced Tuesday they were searching for a real knockout after discovering a long blond strand of hair at a murder scene. “We’ve asked all units to be on the lookout for a blond with the kind of curves that would make a man as dizzy as Schmeling after a one-two punch from Joe Louis,” said police lieutenant Michael Sasso, who stated that forensic technicians were analyzing a few fibers found at the scene that might have belonged to a slinky negligée, a tight blouse that doesn’t leave much to the imagination, or—if criminal profilers determine the suspect is the more sophisticated type—a little black number and not much else. “Our sketch artist has produced dozens and dozens of sketches of a real head-turner who’s got pouty lips, sultry eyes, and a set of gams that go from here to Poughkeepsie. If you spot a dame matching this description, we ask that you immediately call 911, and do not approach her. Seriously, don’t approach her. We already called dibs, buddy.” Later, while tracking down a lead, the homicide detectives reportedly got a real working over from a couple goons and were told to lay off the case by a heavyset man with silky, flowing locks of flaxen.
Study: Magic Mushrooms May Treat Depression #~# The results from a small clinical trial have revealed that two doses of psilocybin mushrooms appear to be as effective as the common antidepressant escitalopram in treating moderate to severe major depressive disorder when paired with psychotherapy. What do you think?
Man Waiting For Curbside Order Pacing Sidewalk Like Expectant Father In Delivery Room #~# CHICAGO—Looking as though he was on the verge of passing out from anxiety, local man Michael Cookson was reportedly waiting for his curbside sushi order Tuesday and pacing the sidewalk like an expectant father outside a delivery room. According to sources, a restless Cookson was seen striding back and forth across a 12-foot section of pavement just outside the doors of the restaurant, wiping his brow and muttering, “What’s taking so long? I hope everything is okay,” under his breath. Eyewitnesses confirmed Cookson appeared to be growing more and more agitated with the passing minutes, noting that at one point, the man had come to a sudden stop, rested his folded hands over his head, and let out a long, pained, deep breath as if he was considering charging into the back to see what was going on for himself. At press time, a server had emerged from the doors to inform Cookson there had been a terrible complication.
Hike With Neighbors Through Ravine Enjoyable Despite Not Finding Missing Child #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Smiling while recalling the “fantastic little outing,” local woman Olivia Curtis told reporters  that she enjoyed hiking with her neighbors through a densely forested ravine Tuesday despite failing to locate the missing child they were searching for. “It was so nice just to get out into nature, get some fresh air, and get to know some of the folks from our neighborhood a little better, even if we never did find that little girl,” said Curtis, who noted that the three-hour jaunt through the wooded area behind their houses had brought members of the makeshift search party closer together than any block party or backyard barbecue ever had. “While no one saw any sign of the kid, we did see a few chipmunks, not to mention some beautiful cherry trees that were in bloom and just about at their peak. Obviously, it’s horrible for anyone’s daughter to go missing like that, but at least we had great company! Plus, Doug and Barb, who were right next to Cheryl and I in the human chain, invited us over to watch the Cavs tonight, which should be a blast. And the best part is that we get to do it all over again at first light tomorrow!” While stressing that time spent with friends was priceless on its own, Curtis acknowledged that finding the child whom no one had heard from or seen in five days “sure would be the icing on the cake.”
Fyre Festival Attendees Win Class-Action Settlement #~# Two hundred seventy-seven Fyre Festival attendees won a $2 million settlement against organizers of the notorious 2017 “luxury” music experience that was canceled after the poorly planned $1-thousand-to-$12-thousand-per-ticket event resembled what some called “a disaster relief camp.” What do you think?
Celebrity Chefs Explain Their Favorite Cooking Hacks #~# You may feel like you’re a professional chef when you’re in the kitchen, but could you really cook like one? We spoke to several successful culinary moguls and asked them to describe their favorite cooking hacks.
Woman Reassures Boyfriend That Just Because She’s Not Screaming Doesn’t Mean She’s Not Enjoying Roller Coaster #~# ORLANDO—Explaining that being quiet didn’t indicate a lack of pleasure, Anna Wright assured her boyfriend Ted Ronson Monday that just because she wasn’t screaming, it didn’t mean she wasn’t enjoying the roller coaster they were on. “I don’t need to be writhing around and freaking out for me to be having a good time,” said Wright, clarifying that she was still getting excited even if she wasn’t hollering her head off. “I know in the movies or TV it seems like you have to be throwing your hands in the air and having your eyes roll back in your head, but for me it can manifest as a couple of small gasps or even just some heavy breathing.” At press time, a somewhat disappointed Ronson expressed his hope that going on a flume ride would get his girlfriend super wet.
Rainforest Tree Remains Very Still In Hopes That Bulldozer Will Lose Interest And Drive Away #~# VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA—As the heat and noise from the massive beast prowling nearby grew closer, a rainforest tree was reportedly remaining very still Monday in hopes that the bulldozer would lose interest and drive away. Sources reported that the jackwood tree remained completely immobile to ensure that it did not so much rustle a leaf and risk provoking a potentially fatal attack from the savage predator, and tried to make itself as small as possible in the belief that the massive piece of machinery might ignore it. In addition, the tree recalled a previous occasion when it had successfully remained still long enough for an encroaching bulldozer to eventually get bored and wander away, but had heard of other occasions when the bulldozer attacked trees regardless of their immobility and rampaged through the rainforest. Often these attacks came when the bulldozer was downwind of the tree and could be riled up by its scent, as the panicking tree reportedly realized was currently the case. At press time, the jackwood tree was reportedly considering trying to make a break for it and flee the bulldozer at the rate of a centimeter per century.
FTC Rules Businesses Must Disclose Whether They Actually Cool Or Just Use Minimalist Branding #~# WASHINGTON—Condemning businesses that use clean lines and unobtrusive colors to intentionally defraud customers, the Federal Trade Commission ruled Friday that companies must begin disclosing whether they are actually cool or are merely using minimalist branding to simulate coolness. “Too often, consumers have been deceived into thinking a brand is hip and fresh because they see a sans-serif font on a soft, neutral background,” said acting FTC  chair Rebecca Slaughter, who also decried the unfair practice in which businesses use one-word names with no explanation as to who they are or what they do, falsely suggesting a detached, unaffected attitude when in reality the brand isn’t cool at all. “We intend to crack down on organizations big and small that have willfully used all-lower-case letters and monochromatic palettes to mislead the public, which often will conclude a company is modern, original, and chill when it’s really just another consulting firm in the Bay Area, or some upscale juice service available in select metropolitan regions. Our investigation found that brands like Ritual, Marine Layer, and Summer Fridays take advantage of the fact that consumers can’t see far enough past a simple noun typed over a muted pink circle to determine that the products on offer are more expensive, less interesting versions of items that already exist. We are now requiring these companies to be up-front about not being as chic as their logos may suggest when they stamp a generic word like ‘spoon’ or ‘alpha’ onto a pastel background.” Slaughter followed up the announcement with a press conference in which the agency debuted a sleek new FTC seal set in the Helvetica font on a Dijon background.
EA Games Teases New Project With Cryptic New ‘FIFA 2022’ Logo #~# All aboard the hype train, gamers! EA just teased a tantalizing new project, and we’re absolutely trembling with excitement over what it could possibly be. In a slick business move, the publisher didn’t release any concept art or gameplay footage. Instead, they dropped a cryptic new logo that simply reads FIFA 2022. 
Scientists Create Part Human, Part Monkey Embryos #~# Scientists have created embryos made of human and monkey cells in search of new ways to produce organs for transplant patients, with some ethicists concerned over how the science could one day be used. What do you think?
‘Just Like A Fairy Tale,’ Gushes Woman Watching As Royal Corpse Tossed Into Furnace #~# WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Wiping joyful tears away from the corners of her eyes, local woman Tricia Ramsey reportedly gushed “Just like a fairy tale” Saturday while watching Prince Philip’s royal corpse being tossed into a furnace. “Oh, wow, this is just like every little girl’s dream,” said Ramsey, who was overcome by awe with just a tinge of longing as she witnessed a team of royal staffers  shove the Duke of Edinburgh’s body roughly inside the incinerator while scores of cheering, jubilant Britons across the nation raised pints while watching the televised event in pubs and waved Union Jack flags in the streets. “Look at that smoke! I can only hope one day my cadaver will go up in flames like that. What a day! I’m just so emotional, I know we won’t forget about this one soon.” At press time, Ramsey was singing “God Save The Queen” while trying to catch a piece of falling ash in her mouth.
Remaining U.S. Troops To Withdraw From Afghanistan #~# President Biden announced the remaining 2,500 U.S. Afghanistan will withdraw from Afghanistan by this year’s anniversary of 9/11, a firmer end to the two-decade-long war that has killed over 2,200 U.S. troops and cost $1 trillion. What do you think?
Timeline Of The War In Afghanistan #~# President Biden announced Wednesday his plan to withdraw troops from Afghanistan in September, the latest move to pull the military out of what has become America’s longest war. The Onion looks at key dates from the U.S. war in Afghanistan.
New Reform Effort Will Require Teenagers To Undergo Deescalation Training #~# CHICAGO—In an attempt to address community outcry over recent police encounters, Mayor Lori Lightfoot announced a reform effort Friday that would require all city teenagers to undergo mandatory deescalation training. “As a society, we depend upon the professionalism of 13- and 14-year-old boys in tense situations like these to prevent police officers from doing anything rash,” said the Chicago mayor in a press conference outlining the 10-class pilot program introducing teenagers to techniques such as speaking in a calm voice, maintaining eye contact, and using empathic listening to ensure cops never feel threatened in potentially violent situations. “Frankly, it’s vital to public safety that our teenagers learn how to speak to the police so that they defuse, rather than escalate, these emotionally charged incidents. When a 15-year-old realizes that a cop cornering him in an alleyway is heavily armed, the teen needs to remember that he’s the only one with the expertise to keep the situation from spiraling out of control. That’s the heavy burden on all teenagers that these classes will help them uphold.” Lightfoot added that if successful, the program may be expanded to teach protesters how to deescalate situations by staying at home after shootings and more quickly forgetting the victim’s name.
Recovering Sex Addict Assures Friends They Can Still Fuck Around Him #~# EDMOND, OK—Explaining how he doesn’t want his newfound abstinence to infringe on their having a good time, Doug Chandler, a recovering sex addict, assured his group of friends at a party Friday that they can still fuck around him. “You guys should totally feel free to have sex while I’m around,” said Chandler, explaining that, while he himself would not partake, his inner circle shouldn’t feel weird about stuffing each other’s holes or bringing themselves to orgasm in his presence. “If you guys decide to bone, I might just dry hump a couch cushion or jack it on my own, but please, don’t let me deter you from pounding away at each other. I promise I’m not judging you guys or anything, I just gotta do what’s best for me.” At press time, Chandler woke up on the couch drenched in bodily fluids after relapsing that night.
Minnesota Deploys National Guard Ahead Of Next Week’s Police Shooting #~# ST. PAUL—Activating nearly 3,000 personnel, Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz deployed the National Guard to Minneapolis Friday ahead of next week’s police shooting. “We understand that tempers are flared right now, and we urge you to remain calm and demonstrate lawfully following next Wednesday’s tragedy,” said Walz, who explained that local officials would be imposing curfews throughout the Twin Cities metropolitan area within the next two weeks in response to the impending officer-involved shooting. “We have reason to believe the next shooting of an unarmed resident will be exceptionally egregious, so we’re giving the National Guard a bit of a head start. Know that I will share the same sentiment as the many of you who will pour into the streets in only a few days’ time, but peaceful protesting will be the answer.” At press time, Walz added that he was prepared to deploy another 1,000 troops to stem protests that would arise in response to the massive bloodshed resulting from police clashes with the original group of protesters. 
Russian Diplomats Given 30 Days To Complete Espionage Before Being Expelled #~# WASHINGTON—As retaliation for a Kremlin hacking operation that targeted multiple American government agencies and corporations, the Biden administration issued an executive order Thursday giving Russian diplomats in the U.S. 30 days to complete their espionage activities before they will be expelled from the country. “The United States has zero tolerance for interference in our democracy, and as such, we are giving all foreign agents from Russia one month to pick up their last dead drops and finish their surveillance campaigns before they will be forced to return home,” said Jake Sullivan, White House national security advisor, calling upon the Russian envoys to hurry up and plant any bugs they might need in the Capitol building as they will no longer be able to once the deadline passes. “The Biden administration is calling on all Russian operatives to wrap up their spying missions and poison any dissidents by our deadline of May 15. Make sure to steal any hard drives full of classified documents before then, or else you will be sent back to Moscow.” At press time, Sullivan added that certain Russian agents would be able to appeal to have their deadline extended if they had any last CIA agents they needed to flip.
Small Kindnesses: Gamer Shields Ailing Grandmother From News So She Can Die Believing ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Patch Largely Fixes It #~# While  gamers have a reputation for being mostly focused on fandom and fun,  some members of this community really demonstrate why having a good  heart is the number-one asset for a gamer. Enter Jason Langley, a  25-year-old Sony diehard who has shielded  his ailing grandmother  Dorothy from gaming news so she can die believing that the Cyberpunk 2077 1.2 patch largely fixes the glitch-ridden dystopian epic.
‘Oh God What Happened Now,’ Mumbles Congressperson After Seeing Massive NRA Donation #~# WASHINGTON—Unable to help himself from fearing the worst, Rep. French Hill (R-AR) reportedly mumbled, “Oh God, what happened now,” Friday after seeing he had received a massive donation from the NRA. “Jeez, that’s a lot of money, it’s got to be something pretty bad,” said Hill, who yelled out for his staffers to get it over with and tell him whatever gruesome tragedy had occurred to elicit such a generous donation. “Any time I get anything over five figures, my heart just drops. Nothing can prepare you for this. Dear Lord, oh no. I just hope it wasn’t in my state. Shit, I better call my kids and make sure they’re okay.” At press time, a trembling Hill was reaching for the remote to turn on the news with after receiving another huge contribution from Smith & Wesson. 
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# INDIANAPOLIS—In the hours following a violent rampage in Indiana in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Friday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Nebraska resident Andrew Clark, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Egyptologists Unearth Skeletal Remains Of First Human Pyramid #~# CAIRO—Speculating that Egyptians began stacking themselves into triangular structures far earlier than previously thought, professors at   Cairo University announced Friday that they had unearthed skeletal remains of the first human pyramid. “While little is known about the third dynasty of Ancient Egypt, we now believe King Djoser ordered the construction of a massive, technically difficult human pyramid by over a dozen citizens expertly crouching  on top of one another,” said lead researcher Dr. Nour al-Busiri, adding that the nearly 5,000-year-old structure, which was found along the West Bank of the Nile river, featured the bones of servants at the bottom, family members in the middle, and finally, the deceased Pharaoh cheering wildly at the top. “While we have unearthed several human pyramids from the Old Kingdom under King Sneferu, we now believe Egyptians were likely experimenting with shoulder stands and basket tosses as early as 2780 B.C. Frankly, this incredible discovery totally reshapes the way we think of early Egyptians and the way they mourned for, and immortalized, the deceased.” At press time, Dr. al-Busiri clarified that while conspiracy theorists were spreading vicious rumors, there was no evidence that extraterrestrials had any hand in the elaborate, multi-layered human cheer formations.
Brazil Building New, Bigger Jesus Christ Statue #~# Brazil is constructing a 141-foot-tall statue of Jesus Christ, which is 16 feet taller than Rio de Janeiro’s famous Christ the Redeemer statue and will rank as the world’s third-largest statue of the central figure in Christianity. What do you think?
ArcLight, Pacific Theatres Closing Permanently #~# ArcLight and Pacific Theatres, including the beloved ArcLight Hollywood and historic Cinerama Dome that are known for hosting numerous movie premieres and being featured in films, are being closed permanently due to financial difficulties during the pandemic. What do you think?
Report: San Diegans Just Assumed Padres Were In Los Angeles Now Too #~# SAN DIEGO—Revealing that the top responses were “Really?” and “Huh,” a new market report conducted by local media affiliates released Thursday revealed that San Diegans just assumed the Padres were playing in Los Angeles now too. “After the Chargers left, I just figured the Padres went with them and I haven’t seen or heard anything that would suggest otherwise,” said local resident Vicky Green, who noted that she never sees anyone wearing a Padres cap or jersey around town. “Nobody really talks about them, and they are never in the news. I figured they were still out west at least, maybe Vegas. I mean it’s nice to hear, we deserve to have a team, and I’m sure some people are probably happy about this. Maybe you should tell more people, I’m sure it would be nice to go to a game. Seems like a fun way to kill an afternoon.” At press time, the response to the report had caused Padres owner Peter Seidler to form an exploratory committee for a franchise move to Los Angeles.
‘You’ve Been Cited For Drinking Adrenochrome At Work,’ Facebook HR Warns Employee During Conspiracy-Laden Performance Review #~# MENLO PARK, CA—As part of the social media company’s quarterly conspiracy-laden performance review, Facebook human resources representative Amber Sutherland warned employee Simon Daniels Thursday that he had been cited for drinking adrenochrome at work. “Unfortunately, we have to place you on probation due to reports that you were harvesting adrenochrome from young children’s blood in order to steal their youth during work hours,” said Sutherland, explaining that the employee violated Facebook’s company policy by collecting the blood of sex-trafficked minors to feed the Jewish cabal of puppet masters who control society. “Consider this your last warning, because we have also received complaints that you have been installing 5G cell phone towers to cause the coronavirus pandemic. Rest assured, Facebook takes any effort to depopulate the planet very seriously. Furthermore, if we find any evidence that you are continuing to stage mass shootings hoaxes with crisis actors, we will have no choice but to place you on permanent leave.” At press time, Facebook HR was forced to terminate Daniels after he was accused of using company property to overthrow the U.S. government by microchipping employees.
Loose-Cannon ACLU Investigator Beats Recantation Out Of Confessed Murderer #~# HOUSTON—Brutally coercing the suspect into reaffirming his innocence, loose-cannon American Civil Liberties Union investigator Roberta Spatz reportedly beat a recantation out of confessed murderer Leonard Campbell, sources confirmed Thursday. “Admit it, you son of a bitch, this confession sounds nothing like you, and you know it!” said Spatz who grabbed Campbell by his lapel and recited statistics on the high number of false confessions made annually in the United States through gritted teeth before throwing him to the ground and kicking him in the stomach. “I wanted to do this the easy way, but no, you chose to force my hand. Do you honestly think I don’t know what it sounds like to deliver a confession in a state of duress? Do you, punk? You better watch out, buddy, because I get off on getting people like you back home to their wives and children.” At press time, Spatz threatened that Campbell wouldn’t live long enough to get his lethal injection if he didn’t come clean about his innocence.
Bernie Madoff Assigned To Cushy Circle Of Hell For White-Collar Sinners #~# FIRST CIRCLE, HELL—Able to partake in many of the freedoms afforded to those who still walk the Earth, the soul of disgraced financier and convicted scam artist Bernie Madoff was assigned to a cushy circle of Hell reserved for white-collar sinners, sources from the afterlife confirmed Thursday. “It barely even counts as Hell, if you ask me,” said the eternally damned Robert Kalas, a heretic trapped in a flaming tomb, explaining how, outside of some light daily penance, the architect of the world’s largest Ponzi schemer would basically get to hang out and play cards by the river of blood while other evildoers were pecked at by harpies,  whipped by demons, and torn apart by fiendish hounds. “He’s allowed to freely roam the upper circles, and he’s got security, so there’s not going to be anyone stabbing him with pitchforks or anything like that. It’s honestly nicer than some of the poorer parts of Heaven.” At press time, the rest of Hell’s occupants were reportedly tortured further for having committed the sin of envying Madoff.
Major Things Your Teacher Glossed Over In Sex Ed #~# When it comes to sex education, schools in the U.S. are still firmly stuck in the 1980s. Aside from how to put a condom on a banana, here are some major things your teacher probably never taught you in health class.
OFF! Unveils New Citronella Effigy To Protest Ruthless Mosquitoes #~# RACINE, WI—Debuting an instrument of dissent carved in the image of the widely condemned pest, insect repellent brand OFF! announced Thursday it would begin selling a new citronella effigy that customers could use to protest the ruthless attacks of mosquitoes. “For far too long, we have been subject to the tyranny of these vicious flying thugs as they fed on the blood of the innocent, but now you can give voice to your outrage by setting fire to our new triple-wick mosquito-shaped citronella effigies,” said OFF! spokesperson Justin Gill, indicating that the lemongrass-scented effigy could help consumers cast off the yoke of mosquito oppression and take control of the backyards, parks, roof decks, and nature trails in their communities. “Let the floral, citrus-like aroma of this effigy serve as a warning to all mosquitos that would dare attack you: They could be next.” Gill added that the effigy would provide a nonviolent alternative to the DEET cocktail, a crude incendiary device consisting of a lit rag jammed inside a can of OFF! and hurled in desperation at a swarm of mosquitoes.
Hawaii Developing Vaccine Passport Program #~# Hawaii is working with multiple app developers to create a digital passport system that would allow travelers who are vaccinated against Covid-19 to bypass quarantine and coronavirus testing measures. What do you think?
Fukushima Radioactive Water To Be Dumped In Ocean #~# Japan announced plans to dump a million tonnes of radioactive wastewater into the ocean from the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant that was damaged by a 9.0 magnitude earthquake in 2011, sparking protests from local fisherman and environmental groups. What do you think?
Steph Curry Passes Wilt Chamberlain To Become Tallest Player In Warriors Franchise History #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Adding another milestone to an already historic career, Stephen Curry passed Wilt Chamberlain this week to become the tallest player in Warriors’ franchise history. “We obviously had high hopes when we drafted Steph, but no one could have expected this level of development,” said Warriors general manager Bob Myers, who credited Curry for surpassing Chamberlain’s record of 7 foot 1 at the young age of 33 years old. “Steph was only 6 foot 3 when he joined the team, so this accomplishment only speaks to all the work he’s put in. He’s a role model for our young fans who are still developing physically.” At press time, Myers expressed confidence that if Curry really committed and got a divorce, the point guard could surpass Chamberlain’s franchise record of 6,000 sexual partners during his tenure. 
Hollywood Tour Group Stops At Jack Nicholson’s House For Routine Wellness Check #~# LOS ANGELES—Offering a rare glimpse of how the rich and famous spend their remaining days, a tour group stopped by Jack Nicholson’s Beverly Hills mansion Wednesday for a routine check on the  actor’s welfare, riders aboard a sightseeing bus confirmed. “There’s no better way to experience the glitz and glamour of Hollywood than to look in on a homebound A-list celebrity who lives by himself, just to make sure he has everything he needs and can get around okay,” said tour guide Mike Fuller, telling his customers they would be in for a treat as they peeked into the house of the One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest star to verify he had not suffered a stroke or died in his sleep. “Yesterday he was still breathing and able to make it to the bathroom on his own, so if we’re lucky, we may get to see the notorious Hollywood bad boy while he’s awake and alert. Who knows, we might even spot Warren Beatty wandering lost down the middle of Mulholland Drive. What can I say, except, ‘Forget it, Jake—it’s Tinseltown’!” At press time, sources reported the tour group was excitedly snapping photos of Nicholson as he writhed on the floor after falling and breaking a hip.
Obama Tweets About Podcast Again After Noticing Latest Episode Only Got 11 Streams #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to direct a few more of his 130 million followers toward the project, former President Barack Obama tweeted about his podcast again Wednesday after noticing his latest episode had only  received 11 streams so far. “Hey guys, just wanted to let you know that a new episode of Renegades featuring me and The Boss himself is live,” said Obama, who tacked a few colorful emojis onto the end of the tweet so that the post would stand out on his followers’ timeline, and tagged Vulture in hopes they would include the podcast in one of their regular round-ups. “We worked super hard on this one, and it would mean the world to me if you check it out. Sorry for the spotty audio, but I promise it’s worth the listen. Also, if you don’t already know Bruce Springsteen, give him a follow because he’s one of the best in the biz!” At press time, Obama had deleted the tweet after it had been up for 20 minutes without getting likes from anyone other than Michelle.
Squirrel Can’t Wait To Ruin Man’s Day By Running In Front Of Car And Getting Killed #~# NORTH BROOK, IL—Excited at the chance to carry his plan to fruition, a squirrel reportedly couldn’t wait to ruin a local man’s day Wednesday by running in front of his car and getting killed. “The look on this jerk’s face when he hears the crunch of my body under his wheels is going to be absolutely priceless,” said the squirrel, laughing to himself as he thought about the visceral disgust and horror his death would cause the man for at least a few hours. “If things work out, he’ll be able to catch a glimpse of my bloodstained body still twitching slightly in his rearview mirror and just feel like a complete piece of shit. It’s going to be so great!” The squirrel also confirmed its intention to have its battered carcass picked apart by crows in an effort to ruin the man’s drive back home.
Little League Coach Thinks Right Fielder Has Potential To Be A Great Novelist #~# ARDMORE, PA—Praising the 10-year-old’s intangibles and feel for the craft, little league coach Grant Wardell revealed Wednesday that starting right fielder Aiden Lattimore has the potential to become a great novelist. “I put Aiden out in right field so he can see the whole game and make trenchant observations about how it changed his peers,” said Wardell, who claims he was blown away by Lattimore’s ability to daydream while running bases and spin amazing stories about why he was late to practice. “I knew he had something special when I saw how hard he was on himself. Not to mention his vocabulary when he strikes out. Most kids just say, “I suck,” but he really turns a phrase. These tools are going to translate at the next level when he joins a creative writing MFA program.” At press time, team sources said Lattimore showed “flashes of brilliance” by choosing to sit alone while his teammates ate at an ice cream parlor. 
Baylor Men’s Basketball Team Unsure How Many More Times Championship Parade Supposed To Circle Waco #~# WACO, TX—Celebrating the team’s first NCAA Division 1 title, the Baylor men’s basketball team was unsure Wednesday how many more times their championship parade float was supposed to circle the streets of Waco. “We appreciate everyone coming out, but after seeing the Fort Fisher Park again we kind of feel like the parade has run its course,” said point guard Davion Mitchell, noting that the team had already driven by the Dr. Pepper museum four times on the parade route. “Everyone was going crazy the first time we drove past, but now people are just looking at their phones. The loop only took us 15 minutes, and that’s at 10 miles per hour. Plus, the people who are still into it are getting way too drunk—I feel like we’re enabling some bad stuff.” At press time, Mitchell and his teammates hopped off the parade float and walked back to their dorm rooms. 
Cinerama Blames Closure On More Viewers Choosing To Watch Movies From Own Geodesic Domes #~# LOS ANGELES—In a statement touching on the rapidly changing realities of the industry landscape, theater chain Cinerama blamed its impending closure this week on more viewers choosing to watch movies from their own  geodesic dome. “It’s a sad day, but ultimately many of our customers have decided that they could get the same experience screening a blockbuster in the comfort of their own concrete geodesic dome,” read a press release from Pacific Theaters president Peter Grouse, adding that the chain of 200 movie theaters simply could not keep up with the rapid proliferation of personal geodesic-dome-movie-viewing technologies. “Back in the ’60s, it was rare to find a single household that could afford even a small geodesic movie theater attached to their nook or living room, let alone one that could rival  Cinerama for the sheer number of hexagons and pentagons it incorporated into its design. Now though? Most houses have at least two geodesic domes—the kids are watching Pixar films in their bedroom geodesic dome, while mom and dad are watching the latest Oscar contenders in their own. How are we supposed to compete with that?” Grouse concluded that he should have seen the writing on the wall decades ago when he saw the number of his neighbors with geodesic domes adorned with life-sized Shrek, Spider-Man, and Minion statues.
Birth Control: Myth Vs. Fact #~# Birth control is used by over half of women in the U.S., yet there are many misconceptions surrounding it. The Onion looks at common myths and facts of birth control. 
Robot That Sold NFT Artwork Eyes Music Career #~# The robotics company that created Sophia, a humanoid that collaborated on an original NFT artwork auctioned off for over $688,000, announced the robot will next try to collaborate with musicians to create original songs and lyrics. What do you think?
U.S. Domestic Terrorism Rises To Historic Levels #~# A nonpartisan data analysis by the Center for Strategic and International Studies found that U.S. domestic terrorism incidents skyrocketed in the last 25 years, driven by growing right-wing extremist attacks which hit an all-time record of 73 in 2020. What do you think?
Police Department To Avoid Future Errors By Replacing All Equipment Officers Carry With Guns #~# BROOKLYN CENTER, MN— In a swift response to renewed calls for reform following the fatal shooting of 20-year-old Daunte Wright, the Brooklyn Center Police Department announced Tuesday that they would avoid future errors by replacing all equipment that officers carry with guns. “Handcuffs, nightsticks, pepper spray—anything an officer could possibly reach for while on duty will now be a semi-automatic pistol to make sure we’re not making any more mistakes,” said acting police chief Tony Greunig, who called former police officer Kim Potter’s lethal mix-up between her gun and Taser a “tragic accident” that could have easily been avoided had she been carrying nothing but dozens of guns in the first place. “This comprehensive citywide initiative will ensure our officers never make the same mistake again. Regardless of the situation they’re responding to, the officer will always be reaching for a gun. Gun shoes, gun badge, gun hat, gun car. Kevlar vests will be placed by a full bandolier of guns covering both sides of our chests.” At press time, dozens of Brooklyn Center residents were dead after an officer had mistakenly reached for his AR-15 rather than his Glock 17.
Pope Francis Kept Up By Drunk Cardinal Arguing With Girlfriend In St. Peter’s Square #~# VATICAN CITY—Unable to tune out the noisy altercation coming in loud and clear through his bedroom window, Pope Francis could not sleep Monday night because a heavily intoxicated cardinal was engaged in a shouting match with his girlfriend in St. Peter’s Square, sources within the Holy See reported. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, give it a rest already,” said the reportedly irritable Supreme Pontiff, who crawled out of bed to catch a glimpse of the couple fighting in the plaza, bemoaning the thin walls  inside the modest guesthouse suite he chose to make his home upon ascending to the papacy in 2013. “I have a big encyclical to finish tomorrow, and I’ll never get it done if I don’t get some shut-eye. Christ, I thought these two broke up months ago. I’m seriously about to call the Swiss Guard if they don’t put a lid on it.” According to reports, moments after the argument ended and Francis had finally fallen asleep, he was awakened by the drunk cardinal and his girlfriend having incredibly loud makeup sex in the suite just above his own. 
New Report Finds 72% Of Americans Planning On Ending Things With Brian Once Pandemic Over #~# WASHINGTON—In what is being hailed as the strongest evidence yet that Americans do not see a future with the 34-year-old X-ray technician, a new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that 72% of U.S. residents were planning to end things with Brian once the threat of Covid had receded. “Nearly three quarters of those surveyed indicated that while it was nice having Brian to keep them company during a difficult year, they would definitely be ready to move on as soon as the pandemic was over,” read a section of the report, which analyzed the sentiments of 238 million Americans who had recently grown apart from the devoted hockey fan and craft brew hobbyist. “Within that group, 45% suggested it was fun while it lasted, but that there were just some major incompatibilities that they did not think they would be able to get over, especially when it came to Brian’s listening skills. In addition, 65% said it had now become a relationship of convenience more than anything else, and besides, they had already talked about breaking up before, so it was not like it was going to be that big of a deal.” The report went on to state that while the survey respondents who planned to end things with Brian agreed it would be cruel to do so before life had returned to normal, every single one of them planned to be out the door exactly two weeks after receiving their second dose of vaccine.
Nation Glad They Could Spend $450 Million For Astronaut To Have Little Epiphany About Humanity’s Place In Universe #~# WASHINGTON—Smiling sweetly in an effort to make themselves clear, the U.S. populace confirmed Tuesday they were glad they could spend $450 million for an astronaut to have a little epiphany about humanity’s place in the universe. “We’re always happy to help, and just delighted to shell out whatever you need so you can look down at the Earth and say ‘Wow,’” said a representative for the American people, who assured the country’s astronauts that of all the projects the nation could possibly be funding, there’s nothing they’d rather be subsidizing than their little trip into the sky. “Half a billion dollars is a small price to pay to blast a guy with an engineering degree into space so he can whisper something about how we’re all just living on a tiny blue marble. Yup, we’re but a speck floating in a vast, inky void. We’re so glad you could have that sweet little revelation.” At press time, the nation added they were just grateful they didn’t need a rocket in order to fathom that life was precious and beautiful. 
Geologists Recommend Eating At Least One Small Rock Per Day #~# BERKELEY, CA—Calling the average American diet “severely lacking” in the proper amount of sediment, Geologists at UC Berkeley recommended Tuesday eating at least one small rock per day. “In order to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle, Americans should be ingesting at least a single serving of pebbles, geodes, or gravel with breakfast, lunch, or dinner,” said Dr. Joseph Granger, adding that the rocks, which could range in size from a handful of dust to a medium-sized 5-pound cobblestone, were an important source of vitamins and minerals critical to digestive health. “Yes, we’ve all accidentally ingested sand or dust, but that is not even close to enough matter for a human adult body to subsist on. Because many do not like the taste or texture, we recommend hiding loose rocks inside different foods, like peanut butter or ice cream.” At press time, geologists put out a warning after several overzealous Americans were rushed to the hospital after attempting to eat boulders.
U.S. Faces Ketchup Packet Shortage #~# The U.S. is facing a ketchup packet shortage after the coronavirus pandemic led to a surge in demand driven by accelerated take-out and delivery trends. What do you think?
Entirety Of Objectionable Human Behavior Explained To Toddler As Person Acting Silly #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—Noting the phrase’s ubiquity as an answer to almost every uncomfortable societal question, sources confirmed Monday that the full range of objectionable human behavior was explained to local toddler Oliver Jordan as a person acting silly. “Everything from mental illness to public drunkenness to a screaming match is waved away as someone just being a silly goose,” said observers, confirming that the same label was conferred on strangers, peers, and family members engaging in any remotely questionable activities. “Whether it’s someone sleeping in the park or begging for change, grandma saying something racist, or a murder on television, it can all be comfortably placed in the rubric of playing around and being a big goofball.” At press time, Jordan’s mother was explaining that his dad had been so silly for so long that they’d be moving to a different house. 
Minnesota Police Say Officer Accidentally Discharged Weapon After Being Startled By Sight Of Gun In Own Hand #~# BROOKLYN CENTER, MN—In response to the death of another unarmed Black man at the hands of Minnesota police, Brooklyn Center police chief Tim Gannon told reporters Monday that the officer who killed Daunte Wright accidentally discharged her weapon after being startled by the sight of a gun in her hand. “You have to understand that our officers’ lives are on the line every day, and anytime they see a gun right there in front of them, they only have a split second to react to the potential threat,” said Gannon, adding that the bodycam footage showed that a handgun abruptly appeared in the officer’s field of vision, causing her to open fire during what would otherwise have been a routine traffic stop and arrest of an individual with an outstanding warrant. “When the officer looked down and saw a firearm pointed at an innocent person, she didn’t have time to think about who was holding the gun or what their motivations were. She simply responded, as many officers would, with deadly force. While the result of that decision has been unfortunate, she was acting on a completely understandable instinct.” Gannon added that because the person holding the gun had indeed been a threat to the safety of others involved in the encounter, the officer had not, technically, violated any codes of conduct by firing. 
Biden Announces Gun Control Executive Actions #~# President Biden announced several executive actions to tackle gun violence that include regulations on “ghost guns” and other effective but limited measures, while acknowledging the difficulties in passing any gun legislation through congress. What do you think?
How To Deal With Common Dog Behavior Problems #~# Whether you’ve just adopted a puppy or have had your furry friend for years, it’s perfectly natural to have questions about being a canine parent. Here are several behavioral issues common to dogs and how to correct them.
Judge Asks If Chauvin Jury Minds Sticking Around For A Couple More Police Misconduct Trials #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Promising that they would only have to return to the courtroom for a few days at most, Judge Peter A. Cahill asked the jury for the Derek Chauvin murder case Monday if they would mind sticking around for a couple more police misconduct trials. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we all know that there are going to be dozens more of these police brutality cases in the coming year alone, so it would really be doing us a solid if you could remain in the courtroom for just a few more after this trial concludes,” said Cahill, addressing the 12 jurors directly as he thanked them for their participation thus far, before stressing that it had really been a hassle finding a dozen individuals with moderate enough views on policing and race relations to prevent outcry about bias. “We’ve already gotten the ball rolling with all of you, so we can probably just knock out these next cases, back to back to back. The evidence will be the same, the findings will be the same. And, hey, maybe if another traffic stop gone wrong lands on our docket, we can bust out that one, too. What do you think?”  Cahill added that if it helped make up their minds, he would guess that most jury members could even simply reuse their verdict from the Chauvin trial.
Nation’s Gimps Crawl On Washington Demanding Unfair Treatment #~# WASHINGTON—Making their way toward the Capitol on all fours and in full leather bondage suits, thousands of gimps from across the country crawled on Washington Monday to press their demands for unfair treatment, according to reports from the scene. “We call upon those mistresses and masters in power to use and abuse us, because every single one of us deserves the right to be punished,” said Cleveland resident Doug Phipps, one of an estimated 15,000 sexual submissives who wriggled around the National Mall with hands and legs restrained, chanting, “Mmmmm, mmmmm!” and later, after removing their latex hoods, “Tread on me!” “Time and time again, we have been very, very naughty, yet despite being filthy little perverts who need to be taught a lesson, our necks remain unchained and our testicles remain unstomped. As long as there’s no ball gag in my mouth, I will speak out to ensure masochists like myself get whipped, spanked, spit on, and called worthless pieces of trash.” At press time, the demonstrators were reportedly moaning with pleasure as D.C. police attempted to disperse them with nightsticks.
Cadet Studying For Police Academy Exam Just Skimming Over Deescalation Training He’ll Never Use In Real Life #~# BLUE BELL, PA—In an effort to focus on practical skills, cadet Aaron Sanger studied for the police academy exam Monday by skimming over the sections in his training manual about deescalation techniques that he’ll never use in real life. “I guess I’m technically supposed to know this stuff, but there’s no way I’ll ever have to talk a suspect down in the field,” said Sanger, clarifying that using brute force would always be a “quicker and easier option” than going through a step-by-step deescalation process. “I’m focusing on the physical fitness portion of the test, so this mediation thing is falling to the wayside. If I ever do need to use it, I’ll just Google it while I’m pressing my knee on a guy’s neck. I’m not gonna waste my time studying laws, either. Most of them are really old and outdated—plus, it’s not like suspects know them.” At press time, Sanger was standing in front of a mirror and practicing how to tell a judge that he feared for his life before shooting a suspect. 
Amazon Celebrates Union Defeat By Raising All Prices 150% Anyway #~# BESSEMER, AL—Triumphant in the wake of the failed organization attempt at their Alabama warehouses, Amazon released a statement Friday celebrating the union defeat by raising all prices on customers by 150% anyway. “Although our fulfillment center workers declined to unionize today, we’re still going to jack up the cost of shipping, products, and Prime subscriptions as high as we possibly can—why? Fuck you, that’s why,” said a victorious CEO Jeff Bezos, adding that his jubilant mood had also led him to have his engineers work on making delivery times several days slower and  causing products to break far more often on the way to customers. “This is going to be reflected site-wide, immediately, to all Amazon users. Woohoo, I have adrenaline rushing through my veins, and I don’t ever want this party to stop. Sure, we can’t blame it on the union anymore, but it doesn’t matter—we won, you lost, baby.” Bezos concluded that anyone who had an objection to the new prices could go to any of the country’s many independent bookstores or local shops that no longer exist.
Devastated Woman Knows She’ll Never Be As Beautiful As Banff National Park #~#  CALGARY, ALBERTA—Expressing frustration that she could not live up to such lofty standards, local woman Beatrice Golliver told reporters Friday she was devastated when she first realized she would never be as beautiful as Banff National Park in the Canadian Rockies. “When I was younger, I thought I might still grow into my features and become that gorgeous, but it’s clear to me now that I’ll never match Banff’s breathtaking elegance,” said Golliver, revealing that over time she had come to accept that she did not project the same presence as the park’s 150-foot-tall lodgepole pines or possess the same loveliness as its snowcapped peaks. “While it’s a difficult thing to confront, the fact remains that no one will ever look at me the way they look at Banff National Park. Its majestic mountain terrain is so, so perfect, and it just isn’t healthy for me to constantly compare myself to such an impossibly high ideal. I can dress myself up in grizzly bear fur and pine needles and sedimentary rock formations all I want, but at the end of the day, that’s simply not who I am.” At press time, a visibly distraught Golliver acknowledged she was thinking about trying self-immolation after watching a video of Banff undergoing a prescribed fire. 
New Arkansas Bill Would Require Teen Residents To Keep Genitals On Full Display At All Times #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—In a purported effort to protect the youths of the state, Arkansas legislators passed a controversial bill Friday that would require teen residents  to keep their genitals on full display at all times. “We hope this legislation will help families in the great state of Arkansas by immediately allowing parents to know whether the teen they’re interacting with has a penis or a vagina,” said lawmaker Bill Mackwell, confirming that under the new law, all teenagers under the age of 18 who attempted to hide or cover their reproductive organs could face up to three years of jail time. “These days, we’re seeing a lot of gender confusion amongst teenagers, but now that they’ll be required to drop their pants and show off their genitals to any teacher, coach, or random passerby that demands it, we’re hopeful they’ll be imbued with the strong Christian values that this country was founded on.” In an effort to prevent further moral decay, Mackwell had volunteered to personally inspect every teen’s genitals. 
Timeline Of Major Physics Discoveries #~# American physicists recently discovered that a tiny subatomic particle called a muon does not conform to the laws of physics as currently understood, suggesting the potential discovery of a brand-new form of physics. The Onion looks back at a timeline of humankind’s major physics discoveries.
Poll Finds Americans Hate Being Trapped In Mazes #~# WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing study of the nation’s attitudes toward confined spaces from which there is no perceivable escape, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday that found nearly all Americans hate being trapped in mazes. “Almost 95% of the U.S. residents we surveyed told us they really did not like getting stuck in botanical garden hedge mazes, seasonal corn mazes, or hall-of-mirror attractions at local carnivals,” said Pew pollster Janet Varnado, adding that such animosity extended to large airports, office complexes, parking garages, and hospitals when those facilities had inadequate signage that prevented people from making it to their flight, meeting, car, or ailing loved one. “Generally speaking, poll respondents said they preferred to be in places in which the route from point A to point B was visible from where they were standing. Though Americans actually reacted with increased hatred when offered a map to help them through a given maze, our research found the harrowing anxiety of not knowing which way to turn could be mitigated somewhat with the placement big, brightly colored arrows at eye level.” Varnado went on to outline one exception to the poll’s main finding, noting that every American loves a maze with cheese at the end. 
Woman Gives Birth To ‘Super Twins’ Conceived Weeks Apart #~# A woman in the U.K. gave birth to twins conceived three weeks apart in a rare phenomenon called superfetation, which occurs when a separate, new pregnancy occurs during an initial pregnancy. What do you think?
Colorado Temporarily Re-Bans Marijuana For Statewide Tolerance Break #~# DENVER—Reminding residents of a time when a single joint was all it took to get a nice buzz going, Colorado officials announced Thursday that, effective immediately, they would temporarily re-ban marijuana as part of a statewide mandatory tolerance break. “After nearly a decade of legalized recreational use, we are instituting a 21-day ban on the sale and possession of cannabis so we can all cool off, reset, and reverse the diminishing effects that we as a state have experienced,” said Gov. Jared Polis, who added that in a recent marijuana-use survey, 78% of state residents mentioned they were considering taking a break anyway, having noticed lately that it took two or three bowls before they even felt anything. “Many Coloradans are now burning through half their stash just to get in the right mindset for the day, and we’re reaching a point at which primo weed is something we merely take for granted rather than something we truly appreciate and enjoy. The simple pleasure of lighting up with some friends has fallen by the wayside, and despite rotating strains, mixing in edibles, and venturing into the world of waxes and dabs, it’s obvious our state is not getting that fun, heady high we used to get back when pot was first legalized. Plus, when Colorado residents hang out with new users from Virginia or Illinois, it’s embarrassing to have to get a huge head start just to wind up on the same level as everyone else.” At press time, Coloradans who suddenly found themselves unable to purchase weed were reportedly upset, having scraped out their smoking devices and found there wasn’t enough resin left to get anything more than a headache.
Panthers Adopt Patchy-Haired, Shivering Rescue QB Who Spent Years Abused By Jets #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Bringing him into Bank of America Stadium where they washed off the grime with a nice warm bath, the Carolina Panthers adopted a patchy-haired, shivering rescue quarterback named Sam Thursday, who had spent years being abused by the New York Jets. “When we saw him, our hearts just broke and we knew we had to give up a few draft picks to get him,” said Panthers coach Matt Rhule, who revealed that Sam was so traumatized by the years he spent mistreated in New Jersey that he ran into a corner and started whimpering when they first threw a ball to him. “He’s in rough shape, he was beat up pretty bad so he didn’t want to go anywhere near the coaches and other players at first, but we eventually coaxed him out with a nice meal. The sheer lack of positive experiences he’s had with football probably mean he’s scarred for life, but that doesn’t make him a bad quarterback. We think with some love and attention, he could get healthy and maybe even become a decent backup.” At press time, Sam had scrambled under a bench and started crying after seeing the Jets logo on the Panthers 2021 regular season schedule.
Report: Huh, Interesting Choice For An Outfit Today #~# AUSTIN, TX—Weighing in on the matter after you had dressed for work and departed for the office, a new report issued Thursday determined that your choice of outfit this morning sure was an interesting one. “Wow, you look…um, that’s quite the ensemble you’ve got going there,” the report read in part, before continuing on to speculate where one would even go to buy something like that. “No, come on, there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just…it’s just surprising, that’s all. Definitely a statement, too, especially with those shoes. Not in a bad way! Far from it. But you have to admit it’s a combination most people would never consider, and not exactly an easy look to pull off. Oh—oh God, are you crying?” At press time, a supplemental report had been issued stating that you look just fine and asking you to please forget everything that had been said in the initial report. 
Relief: ‘Monster Hunter Rise’ Includes A Dossier Of Each Monster’s Problematic Behavior So You Don’t Feel Bad When You Kill Them #~# Boy, we have been absolutely loving our last few weeks slicing up Rachnoids and exploring the world outside Kamura village in Monster Hunter Rise. And, hey, if you happen to be on the fence because the idea of hunting creatures for  loot doesn’t quite sit right with you, we have some great news. One of Rise’s best new features is a dossier listing every monster’s problematic behavior so you don’t have to feel bad when you kill them.
French Police Hunting International Lego Thieves #~# Police in France are hunting a gang of international Lego thieves that are raiding toy stores for valuable collectible sets that can eventually be sold for thousands of dollars on the black market. What do you think?
2021 Masters Offers Brief Respite To Viewers Who Barely Suffered From Pandemic #~# BRYN MAWR, PA—Referring to the golf classic as a welcome change of pace, sources confirmed Thursday that  the 2021 Masters was offering a brief respite to viewers who barely suffered from the pandemic. “I’m glad I can finally enjoy some major golf after spending all this time cooped up in my beach house,” said golf fan David Finny Smith, delighting over the prospect of watching his favorite tour players while he was still coping with wearing a mask on first-class flights and the temporary closure of his local country club’s indoor dining. “I’ve only been able to see a few dozen of my closest friends and family, so it’s nice to have this tournament to keep me company. You get pretty stir-crazy sitting on the deck, looking at the same ocean view day after day. I can’t wait to spend the weekend at Augusta. It feels good to be back to normal.” At press time, Smith decided his suffering justified a “splurge” on several more projectors to watch simultaneous streams of every hole at the Masters.
Chile Distributes Faulty Birth Control Pills #~# Chile’s government distributed, and quietly recalled, 276,890 potentially flawed packets of birth control pills in 2020, resulting in at least 170 women believing they got pregnant because of the error. What do you think?
Rats Scramble To Hide Fully Functioning Amusement Park And Resort They Built As Workers Return To Office #~# CHICAGO—Squeaking wildly to one another as the almost forgotten sound of human footsteps echoed through the lobby, a swarm of rats scrambled to hide their miniature, fully functioning amusement park and resort before workers returned to a local office building, reports confirmed Wednesday. According to sources, the rats, which numbered in the hundreds if not thousands, scurried throughout the workplace, disassembling the meticulously detailed Ferris wheels, high-speed water slides, and all-inclusive hotels they had erected in the space a year ago. The rodent-sized entertainment complex—which included tiny roller coasters that zigzagged in and out of cubicles and even a lazy river in which lounging rats in inner tubes could float from the bathroom to the kitchen—was reportedly stashed away in seconds, leaving absolutely zero trace of the drop-tower ride in the stairwell, the 18-hole golf course in the conference room, the all-you-can-eat buffet in the refrigerator, or the swim-up bar in the toilet. Per sources, while the teeming families of rats who had been enjoying the park darted back into the building’s walls, ceilings, and cabinets just before the front door opened, the office manager still let out a blood-curdling scream after spotting a rat in a two-piece swimsuit sipping a mai tai behind the front desk. 
Yahoo Answers Shutting Down #~# Yahoo announced that its long-running Q&A platform, Yahoo Answers, which quickly became a magnet for internet trolls and comedians to offer unhelpful responses, will permanently shut down on May 4. What do you think?
Arkansas Legislator Warns Loophole In New Law Could Still Allow Trans Youth To Exist #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Calling on her Republican colleagues for support, Arkansas state senator Jimmy Hickey Jr. warned Wednesday that a loophole in a new law could still allow transgender youth to exist. “We recognize that this legislation is incomplete, and I assure constituents we are working tirelessly on stopgap measures to end young trans people for good,” said Hickey, who thanked everyone who had brought the issue to his attention in the past several weeks by expressing concern that the bill failed to eliminate thousands of transgender youths already living in the state. “This bill was originally introduced as a preventative measure, and I now realize it’s nowhere near close enough to stamping out the root of the problem. The SAFE Act is a start, but we can do better. Anyone who thinks transgender children should exist clearly doesn’t have their best interests in mind.” At press time, Hickey added that transgender youth would still be permitted to exist in a purely theoretical sense.
Draymond Green: ‘If WNBA Players Want To Get Paid, They Should Just Hitch Themselves To Once-In-A-Lifetime Shooters’ #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Dismissing the pay inequities between men and women in basketball as a problem that the women have not actually worked to solve, Warriors forward Draymond Green told reporters Wednesday that WNBA players who want to get paid should just hitch themselves to once-in-a-lifetime shooters. “Why don’t you go out there and find an still-unproven, generational talent to latch yourself onto?” asked Green, recommending WNBA players pursue off-the-court revenue opportunities by appearing in commercials with their massively hyped, world-famous teammates. “A lot of these girls need to stop complaining and just wait for David Lee to get hurt so you can play with the Splash Bros. Show these owners that you have what it takes to ride someone’s coattails. I hate to say this, but some of them simply can’t beg the most gifted scorer in the world to leave Oklahoma and join their 72-win team.” At press time, Green advised WNBA players to sign a long-term contract before forgetting how to shoot entirely. 
17-Year-Old Asks Friend What It Means When Guy You Like Wants Blanket Pardon #~# PENSACOLA, FL—Wondering if this was a sign that their relationship was “official,” local 17-year-old high school student Sophie Garrett was overheard Wednesday asking her friend what it means when the guy you like wants a blanket pardon. “Has a guy ever mentioned something called a ‘blanket pardon,’” said the senior class treasurer to a reportedly more experienced friend, explaining that she didn’t want to look up the unfamiliar term on a school computer and risk getting detention. “He hasn’t directly asked me yet, but I peeked at some of his texts and it was mentioned several times—like, he was almost bragging about it. Not to sound like a prude, but is it normal hand stuff, or am I supposed to do more things, like, under the blanket? I don’t want to feel pressured into it, like when he asked to check if I was wearing a wire, but I don’t want him to break up with me either. Ugh, this is what I get for liking bad boys.” At press time, a note recovered at the scene confirmed that everybody at the school had already heard that Garrett did blanket pardons.
More Companies Considering Hybrid Model Where Half Return To Office, Half Laid Off #~# PHILADELPHIA—According to a report released Wednesday from Wharton Business School, a growing number of companies are considering a hybrid model in which half of their workforce returns to the office while the other half is laid off. “The past year has really opened our eyes to far more flexible office models, wherein, say, part of our employees come back into the office and the other half stay home forever,” said SalesForce CEO Marc Benioff, one of hundreds of executives interviewed for the report who suggested they might also be open to a setup where workers commute four days of the week and then are told to clean out their desk on Friday. “What’s great is that this gives peace of mind for our workers to know that they’re still employed—at least for now. Meanwhile, it provides laid-off employees the freedom to look for a new job anywhere else they want. It’s an exciting new frontier for us, and, frankly, I only wish we’d thought of it sooner.” The report concluded that the new standard of office work might even give terminated workers the option to leave the city and move in with their parents while they sort some things out.
Biden Unveils $4 Trillion Bill For Dinosaur Statues, Giant Twine Balls To Restore Nation’s Crumbling Highway Attractions #~# WASHINGTON—Noting the deterioration of roadside dinosaur statues and giant twine balls, President Joe Biden unveiled a $4 trillion bill Wednesday to restore the nation’s crumbling highway attractions. “For far too long, our nation’s giant fiberglass hot dogs and triceratops statues have fallen into a state of disrepair,” said Biden, who outlined his plan to renovate the country’s wax museums and replace neon light tubes in oversized cowboy signage. “We hope to stimulate local economies, creating jobs through crafting and installing giant tea cups made of plaster. The goal is to take decrepit, sometimes hazardous attractions and turn them into points of pride for their communities. We need to do everything we can to preserve our mystery spots and corn palaces.” At press time, Biden allocated an additional $500 million to build the largest chocolate chip cookie in America. 
Influential Women In Politics Through History #~# Whether they served as powerful elected officials or as important figureheads behind the scenes, women have been key members of government since the dawn of time. Here are several influential women throughout history who shaped politics today as we know it.
Japan Sees Earliest Cherry Blossom Bloom In 1,200 Years #~# Kyoto’s cherry blossoms peaked on March 26, the earliest bloom on record since 812 A.D., which scientists warn is a symptom of the larger climate crisis threatening ecosystems all across the globe. What do you think?
MLB Moves All-Star Game From Atlanta Over Voting Law #~# Major League Baseball is moving the 2021 All-Star Game and 2021 draft out of Atlanta in protest of a new Georgia law that has raised concerns about its potential to disproportionately disenfranchise minority voters. What do you think?
What’s Driving The Competitive Housing Market #~# The past year has seen the most demand for housing since before the 2008 crash, and both real estate market experts and potential home-buyers are trying to understand what’s driving it. The Onion looks at the factors driving the competitive housing market.
GOP Oppose Infrastructure Bill With Uplifting Reminder It’s Okay To Be A Work In Progress #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that the new $2 trillion proposal was unrealistic, GOP leaders  reportedly voiced their opposition Tuesday to President Joe Biden’s infrastructure bill with an uplifting reminder that it is okay to be a work in progress. “What this proposal calls for is nothing less than a set of completely unhelpful expectations that every single bridge, road, and sewage system needs to conform to some rigorous set of perfect standards,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), adding that lawmakers should instead be focusing on legislation that supported electrical grids and waste treatment facilities that were still figuring some stuff out. “Infrastructure comes in all shapes and sizes, and in all different conditions and levels of functionality, and we Republicans think that’s beautiful. It is irresponsible to compare one of our older trains or pothole-filled streets to a high-speed rail in Japan or utilities in Germany when it is perfectly fine to set your own benchmarks for success and work toward them at your own pace. This bill would put unnecessary pressure on our nation’s infrastructure to live up to impossible goals.” GOP officials added that throwing money around would only cause dependence on Congress and that it would be much more meaningful if the nation’s infrastructure was instead permitted to improve itself entirely on its own.
U.S. Criticized For Giving $1 Trillion To Military Contractor To Develop Hat That Didn’t Work #~# WASHINGTON—In an unusually scathing report issued Tuesday by the Government Accountability Office, investigators found that the Pentagon had paid a military contractor approximately $1 trillion over 15 years to develop a hat that still did not work. “The hat is constructed of some real state-of-the art, space-age materials, but unfortunately, once placed on the head it falls to the ground,” said an anonymous Northrop Grumman employee quoted in the report, confirming that the defense technology giant had worked since 2006 to develop a simple patrol cap that would both block the sun and remain in place on the wearer’s head. “While we tried adding a chin strap as a stabilizing measure, the Velcro keeps working loose, and so right now the hat really only works if you’re lying down. There are bigger problems, though: At this point, our most advanced prototype has only reached 50% head coverage, and it’s already so heavy that a person of median neck strength can only support its full weight for about three seconds before collapsing. We just can’t seem to get it right.” At press time, the Pentagon had reportedly allocated another $500 billion to the contractor to research the possibility of adding cup holders and a couple straws.
Tough: The New TMNT Game Follows A European Trip Where The Turtles Realize Their Fervent Italian-American Pride Has Little In Common With Modern Italian Life #~# When publisher Dotemu announced they were coming out with an all-new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game, everyone on our staff was over the moon imagining our favorite mutant fighters once again hitting the mean streets of New York to brawl it out with  archenemies like Krang or Beebop and maybe even scrounge up a slice or two. Unfortunately, our excitement has been tempered by the developer’s recent announcement  that the new side-scroller centers around a European trip where the turtles realize their fervent Italian-American pride has little in common with modern Italian life.
Sophia Fan Disillusioned Upon Learning Robot Artist Comes From Money #~# LOS ANGELES— Following the $668,000 sale of a digital painting by Sophia,  local fan Kerry Hayes reportedly became disillusioned with the mononymic robot artist Tuesday upon learning that she came from money. “Surprise, surprise—Sophia’s upbringing involved a great deal of money and connections,” said the disappointed 31-year-old artist and waitress after finding out another one of her favorite painters was the product of privilege as the sole beneficiary of a cutting-edge robotics company. “She pretends to be so damn relatable, but apparently she’s a total fake who has never had to support herself financially, let alone pay for her own studio and materials. Her life was basically mapped out for her from the beginning—she received a private education, lives off of funding from her well-off parent company, and has an entire team of people whose job it is to cater to her every movement. I wonder if she’s ever  heard the term ‘starving artist.’ Must be nice.” Hayes also speculated that Sophia wasn’t even behind her own social media posts and that it was a pre-programmed algorithm spitting out relatable content.
Generous Friend Willing To House-Sit For Nothing But Going Through Your Stuff #~# CHICAGO—Promising it was no big deal at all, your thoughtful and generous friend Margaret Caffrey announced Tuesday she was willing to house-sit for nothing but the opportunity to go through all your stuff. “I’m more than happy to hold down the fort [and rummage around in your personal belongings] while you’re out of town,” said the considerate friend, who added that the least she could do was help a buddy out by looking after your place [totally invading your privacy], picking up your mail [checking out what you have in your nightstand drawers], and watering your plants. “It’s not as though I’d want anything [except a peek at what’s stashed in your attic] in return. We’re friends, so I’d obviously be doing it for free [rein over your place and a chance to sample the goods from your medicine cabinet]. You can count on me to take good care of everything [by putting all your clothes back exactly where you had them in the closet after I’m finished trying them on].” Caffrey continued that there was absolutely no need for you to return the favor [and discover any of the stuff she took while house-sitting for you].
Man Finds 15,000 Bees In Car #~# A man returning to the parking lot after grocery shopping found an estimated 15,000 bees inside his car, which experts say likely happened after the swarm followed the queen bee through the vehicle’s open window. What do you think?
NCAA Men’s Title Game Begins With Moment Of Silence Honoring Regular Season Games Lost To Covid-19 #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Asking those in attendance to lower their heads in memory of the shared sacrifice the entire nation made over the last year, the NCAA men’s title game opened Monday evening with a moment of silence to honor the regular season games lost to Covid-19. “A lot of people worked really hard to make sure this could happen, but we didn’t want the season to end without paying our respects and acknowledging just how many games we lost along the way,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert, who claimed it was still hard to fathom the millions of dollars in advertising revenue that Covid had taken over the past year. “We are all hurting. You pray that you never see something like this, and then when all those early season tournaments were cancelled, we can only hope we never suffer through something as tragic as this again. There are so many TV contracts that almost didn’t make it. We just thought it would mean something to show CBS and all our affiliates that we are thinking about them in this difficult time.” At press time Emmert had made an announcement that all the profits from the 2021 NCAA tournament would be donated to essential brands affected by the pandemic.
Tampa Wastewater Reservoir On Brink Of Collapse #~# Hundreds were ordered to evacuate the Tampa Bay area due to a wastewater reservoir on the brink of collapse that could unleash 340 million gallons in a possible 20-foot high wall of water containing fertilizer runoff. What do you think?
Kellogg’s Condemns Georgia Voting Laws In Call To Overthrow Government With Absolute Cerealocracy #~# ATLANTA—Declaring that U.S. companies had an obligation to oppose a new state bill restricting voting rights, Kellogg’s reportedly condemned Georgia’s voting laws Monday in a call to overthrow the government and install an absolute cerealocracy. “These anti-democratic measures represent yet another clear indication that the only way forward in this country is to topple the existing governmental bodies and give supreme oat-a-cratic authority to the cereal companies,” said Kellogg’s CEO Steve Callihane in a fiery speech, declaring that all cereal companies would cease doing business in Georgia and all other states that did not immediately abolish their parliamentary bodies and completely obey cereal decree. “If a nation can no longer govern itself, as Georgia and other states clearly demonstrate, it is time for the cereal companies to step in. I have already spoken to Post and General Mills about this, and we agree that America can no longer provide the 13 essential vitamins and minerals that only the cereal companies can. We must return to our traditional values and understand that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. We shall be benevolent rulers, but our rule shall be total. The United States has proven itself an ungovernable nation and needs the iron-rich fist of the cerealocracy.” At press time, Kellogg’s officials had warned Georgia to peacefully cede all power to the cerealocracy within 24 hours, otherwise the streets would run white with milk. 
Biggest Games Of Spring 2021 #~# A heartwarming co-op adventure game, this title proves that any relationship can be saved with the help of magical transmutation and a sentient book.
Man Opposes Taxing Rich Because He Knows One Day He Could Find $20 Bill On Ground #~# VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Arguing that the nation’s top earners shouldn’t be punished simply for being successful and making a lot of money, local car wash attendant Christopher Jacobson told reporters Monday he opposed taxing the rich because he knew one day he might find a $20 bill on the ground. “You never know, I could be walking along the road and spot a cool, crisp Jackson, and the last thing I’d want is the government trying to take it,” said Jacobson,  adding that while he knew the odds of ever coming into that type of wealth were slim to none, he had to be prepared just in case it were to happen. “Opportunities like that don’t come around every day. How fair is it for the IRS to swoop in the second I hit it big and grab a piece of my $20 jackpot? Plus, it’s a matter of principle: If I find any amount of money lying on the ground, whether it’s a $1 bill, a quarter, you name it—that should be mine and only mine. Uncle Sam sure as hell ain’t the one bending over to pick it up. The more you tax those earnings, the more you’re going to disincentivize people like me from pocketing those dollars when they come across them. At a certain point, why even bother?” Jacobson added that should he ever be lucky enough to stumble across a $20 bill, the first thing he’d do is shelter his gains by depositing the cash in a shadow account in the Cayman Islands.
Report: Today Not One You Will Remember #~# YOUR LOCATION—Noting the complete lack of memorable details to help the date stick in your mind, sources confirmed Monday that today isn’t one you’re going to remember. “We’ve found that this 24-hour period will make zero impression on you in the long run,” said sources, adding that the current day would be neither good nor bad, but simply a completely unremarkable period of time that will have no bearing on your life. “We’ve found that there will be no high highs or low lows, no big inconveniences or excitements—basically you’ll just eat a couple meals, tool around the internet, go to bed, and never think about this day again.” At press time, sources noted that the words in this article were already beginning to fade from your memory. 
Blake Griffin Delays Practice Once Again To Prove He Can Still Dunk Over Kia Optima #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Promising his increasingly bored teammates that he just needed another few attempts to get warmed up, center Blake Griffin delayed Nets practice once again Monday to prove he could still dunk over a Kia Optima. “Jesus Christ, he’s been at this for an hour—it’s getting hard to watch,” said shooting guard Landry Shamet, who lamented being stuck inside of the 2011 crossover, tossing lob passes to Griffen out of the sunroof. “We have a lot of new players on this team that need to get up to speed, so we really don’t have time for this. He keeps talking about how he needs to show that he’s still got it. We’re trying to be supportive, but it’s a little much to ask the coaching staff to pretend to be dunk contest judges. They’ve been holding up ‘10 signs’ for two hours now.” At press time, the Nets cancelled practice after three players were injured by Griffin’s attempt to dunk over them. 
How To Lose Weight Fast #~# While shedding those extra pounds can be a frustrating process, know that there are always plenty of quick, easy, non-FDA approved solutions out there. Here are some of the best, most effective ways to lose weight fast.
U.S. Military Accused Of Covering Up Hundreds Of Unexplained ELO Sightings #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Detailing and providing blurry photos of incidents that go back almost 50 years, activists accused the U.S. Military Monday of covering up hundreds of unexplained ELO sightings. “We’ve spoken with people all across the country who claim to have been taken aboard an ELO tour bus only to wake up days later in a field in the middle of nowhere, and yet the government continues to deny that any of this is real,” said alleged witness Felicia Gorman, who claimed she observed a stunning display of light for hours at a Phoenix theater in 1981, only to have local authorities dismiss her outright and even try to have her institutionalized as she persisted in telling her story. “This is a massive coverup. People from Maine to Iowa to Oregon have seen visions of Jeff Lynne emerging from a wall of smoke that modern technology simply cannot account for. Hundreds of people who claim they’ve seen a live performance of ‘Mr. Blue Sky’ have gone to the military to report it, only to be told that it, in fact, did not happen. How do they account for the photos people have of themselves backstage with Bev Bevan? What is the government hiding?” At press time, reporters had tried to follow up with Gorman and several other activists but were unable to locate them or anyone who knew them.
Russia Registers First Covid-19 Vaccine For Animals #~# Russia claims to have registered the world’s first coronavirus vaccine for animals in an effort to protect vulnerable species and thwart viral mutations being passed back and forth between humans and animals. What do you think?
Vaccine Dose Reminds Sedentary Man What Muscle Soreness Feels Like #~# POWELL, OH—Deciding to take the rest of the day off to recover, local sedentary man Clay Broderman was reportedly reminded Friday what muscle soreness felt like after receiving his first dose of Pfizer-BioNTech Covid vaccine. “What the hell is happening—what is this strange sensation I’m feeling in my upper arm right now?” said Broderman,  who gingerly massaged the tender spot where he had received the injection as he attempted to recall the last time he had subjected a muscle to that much stress. “This takes me straight back to high school gym class. Or that time in my 20s when I thought my friends were just having a picnic but it turned out to be hiking. It’s almost like there’s a little bit of a burn going on in there, and I have to say, I  really don’t care for it. Sometimes my limbs fall asleep when I stay on the couch too long, but this is worse. I guess I really overdid it today.” At press time, Broderman announced that he would be taking it easy for the next three weeks to make sure he was rested and ready to receive the vaccine’s second dose.
Tinder Introducing Background-Check Feature #~# Tinder, whose parent company Match Group also owns OKCupid and Hinge, will be introducing an in-app feature later this year that performs background checks on potential dates to flag any violent crimes. What do you think?
Matt Gaetz Claims Sex Trafficking Allegations Stem From Powerful Enemies In Ms. Bassman’s Geometry Class #~# WASHINGTON—Dismissing the accusations as a conspiracy by his political opponents to take him down, Rep. Matt Gaetz reportedly claimed Friday that allegations of sex trafficking levied against him stemmed from powerful enemies in Ms. Bassman’s geometry class. “These spurious and completely false rumors are clearly the work of Madison and Brianna,” said Gaetz (R-FL), adding that the text messages and payment receipts supposedly tying him to sex trafficking suggested that the conspiracy against him went all the way to the area near the window where the popular kids sat. “I’ll bet Caroline helped spread it, and all because I didn’t invite her to that rager last weekend. All that FBI stuff is obviously Caroline’s work, although I wouldn’t be surprised if her Spanish study group is in on it as well. They’re devious and super petty. That whole sophomore crowd is nothing but trouble, and Lucas and Haley have always had it out for me. Jessica too, even though it’s been over a year and I already apologized. Now they’re spreading rumors about me sex-trafficking teens, and of course what does Ms. Bassman do? Nothing. The entire math department is probably in cahoots with them.” Gaetz added that he was going to do everything he could to fight the allegations and warned that he wouldn’t hesitate to ruin prom.
Tostitos Apologizes For Phoning It In This Year #~# PLANO, TX—Following an uncharacteristic lapse in rolling out new products, the Tostitos brand director reportedly apologized Friday for “phoning it in” this year and not delivering on tortilla chips the way they have in the past. “We know you trust Tostitos to bring you inventive tortilla chips in a wide range of revolutionary shapes, sizes, and flavors year after year, but we just couldn’t make it happen this time, and for that we’re sorry,” said Tostitos brand director Jason Morgan, reading a joint statement signed by all eight board members and 125,000 global employees expressing their heartfelt regret for “simply going through the motions of chip innovation” and letting consumers go without a groundbreaking new party dip for more than 10 months. “Honestly, we’ve been dealing with a lot of personal stuff, and we simply haven’t been in the right headspace to deliver you the unique, hearty crunch of a Multigrain Scoops or the authentic Mexican flavors of a Cantina Thin & Crispy that you rely on us for. We had some new ideas here and there—a hint of mango chip, a square chip, a stuffed chip—but they all felt forced and uninspired. At one point, we even began to question the importance of corn-based snack foods in the grand scheme of things, we were that lost.” The statement added that while Tostitos hoped they could make it up to consumers, they understood that you deserve better and wouldn’t blame you if you switched to another chip brand.
Pros And Cons Of Vaccine Passports #~# With a significant portion of Americans indicating opposition to getting a coronavirus vaccine, debate has risen over the potential use of vaccine passports, or digital vaccination records that could be required for travel or to enter certain establishments. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of vaccine passports.
Billboard With Happy Family Inspires Estranged Dad To Almost Call Kids #~# DAVENPORT, IA—Pausing momentarily upon glimpsing the oversized photo of smiling children skipping through a meadow with their parents, estranged dad Ed Carroll, 47, told reporters Friday that a billboard with a happy family had almost inspired him to call his kids. “Boy, seeing the gleam in those kids’ eyes nearly got me thinking that I should give my own son and daughter a call for the first time in a decade and see if they’d ever let me back into their lives,” said Carroll, adding that the billboard had flooded his mind with sentimental images of how much his son Dustin had grown and whether his daughter Heather was still pursuing gymnastics until the light turned green, Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Born On The Bayou” came on the radio, and all sense of remorse or curiosity disappeared from his mind. “After that, all the stuff about wanting to hear their sweet voices and tearfully explain how much I missed them kind of vanished. But for awhile there, yeah, I  seriously started to consider apologizing for turning onto the freeway all those years ago, just flooring it and driving as far away from my responsibilities as I could.” At press time, a billboard for Michelob Ultra had instead inspired Carroll to go to a local Hooters and to try and pick up one of the waitresses.
Mom Remembers Old Days When You Could Let Kids Run Free On Thresher Without Supervision #~# SALEM, OR—Wistfully recalling the hours spent running and jumping around the machine’s high-powered, motorized blades, local mother Jessica Halpern told reporters Friday she missed the good old days when you could let kids run free on a thresher without supervision. “I remember growing up, there wasn’t always an adult around—in fact, my friends and I would spend our days playing on grain threshers, swathers, and combine harvesters without our parents keeping an eye on us, all day and all night,” said Halpern, adding that yes, sometimes kids would get sucked into the machine, but that’s the kind of thing that just builds character. “Back in the day, you were independent and looked out for yourself, and if you got shredded to bloody ribbons in a farm equipment accident, so be it. Now, children are just so coddled, with their cell phones and their location tracking. Let them fall into the feed tray and have their bones crushed by the spike-tooth cylinder once or twice. It’s the only way they’ll learn!” Halpern added that every mother who  screams and cries about their child’s “severe musculoskeletal injuries” was just being an overdramatic helicopter parent. 
Man Fined For Keeping Sharks In Basement Pool #~# A New York man was ordered to pay a $5,000 fine for illegal possession with intent to sell seven sandbar sharks discovered in an above-ground pool he kept in his basement. What do you think?
New York Legalizes Marijuana #~# New York has become the 15th state to legalize possession of marijuana for recreational use, while also expunging criminal records of marijuana-related offenses now considered legal. What do you think?
Serious Eats Criticized For Origins As Website To Rate Hotness Of Root Vegetables #~# NEW YORK—Facing backlash from staff, readers, and the culinary community at large, popular food website Serious Eats came under fire Thursday when its creator acknowledged it was originally set up for the purpose of ranking various root vegetables according to their physical attractiveness. “As much as it embarrasses me to admit it, Serious Eats began not as a way to connect people with recipes they love, but as a place where root vegetables were objectified during contests in which users voted on which ones they thought looked hotter,” said site founder Ed Levine, explaining that he was a young culinary student at the time who did not fully appreciate the value of treating produce in a respectful manner. “While it was conducted in a spirit of good fun, I understand now how demeaning it was to pit turnips, beets, yams, and carrots against one another just so cooks could rate them on the superficial basis of their appearance. I should have known better. Looking back, the cavalier way my friends and I spoke of peeling and sautéing jicama is shameful, and I deeply regret it. I didn’t realize how quickly the site would gain popularity, and I apologize for any harm that was done.” At press time, Levine was accused of tokenism after he reportedly tried to atone for his past transgressions with the perfunctory appointment of a rutabaga to the Serious Eats editorial board.
MLB Opening Day 2021 Power Rankings: Top 12 #~# The Dodgers are champions and coronavirus continues to wreck havoc on our expectations, but the 2021 MLB seasons still promises new beginnings. A clean slate, a wildfire set to burn out the underbrush of our expectations. Basically we are saying we have no idea if any of this is going to hold up in two months. Here are Onion Sports’ top 12 MLB power rankings for the start of the 2021 season.
Chauvin Defense Team Praises Officer’s Restraint In Not Killing Bystanders #~# MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to highlight his client’s impeccable character, the defense attorney representing Derek Chauvin praised the former police officer Thursday for exercising great restraint by not killing bystanders. “As the video evidence shows, there were several bystanders standing only a few feet away during the time of George Floyd’s arrest, and yet Mr. Chauvin didn’t attempt to shoot or strangle a single one,” said attorney Eric Nelson, who commended Chauvin for remaining calm and composed while responding to the call regarding a counterfeit bill by letting the half-dozen witnesses watching from the curb go physically unscathed. “Mr. Chauvin was under a staggering amount of stress at the time, and the fact that not everybody was gunned down in a bloodbath is just proof of his exceptional professionalism. It is clear Derek Chauvin is a highly self-disciplined man, as any average police officer would have shot the bystanders in the back the moment they turned away.”At press time, Nelson praised Chauvin’s self-control, noting that the officer had refrained from leaping from his seat  to choke out the members of the jury.
New Gun Control Measure Would Put Firearms In Difficult-To-Open Hard Plastic Packaging #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the deadly epidemic, Democrats put forward a new gun control measure Thursday that would require all firearms to be placed in difficult-to-open plastic clamshell packaging before being sold. “This bill, HR 1837, would make it illegal to sell any guns that aren’t ensconced in a confusing plastic case with countless tabs that do seemingly nothing, as well as an unwieldy vacuum-sealed wrapper,” said Rep. Bill Foster (D-IL), noting that the bill would target prospective shooters by making them so frustrated trying to get the goddamn thing open that they would abandon their original plot. “Studies have overwhelmingly shown that accidental discharges drop when firearms are properly secured, and we believe this will only be increased as potential assailants get their hands all scratched up trying to reach in and undo the twist ties keeping it in place.” At press time, news of the bill had sent scissors and utility knife sales soaring.
Biden Touted As Modern-Day FDR After Getting Hand Job From Cousin In Upstate New York #~# WASHINGTON—Applauding the commander-in-chief for channeling one of the United States’ most popular past leaders, media pundits touted President Joe Biden as a modern-day Franklin Delano Roosevelt Wednesday after he got a hand job from his cousin in upstate New York. “If you had told me during the primaries that the former vice president would be taking actions that put him on par with the architect of the New Deal, I never would have believed it, but here we are,” said CNN analyst Jim Acosta, praising Biden’s bold decision to park with his fourth cousin on a hilltop in the Hudson Valley region of New York while she masturbated him to completion. “Biden is clearly seeing the historical parallels between the enormous challenges the 32nd president faced during the 1940s and his own administration, and he’s responded by getting his pud tugged by a distant relative. And if this is already starting to happen, I think it’s just the beginning, and I wouldn’t be surprised if we begin seeing a lot more people from his extended family jacking off President Biden in the next four years.” Acosta added that Biden could cement his status as the second coming of FDR by becoming gradually frailer and eventually dying in office. 
Man Living In Most Affluent Country In World History Has Nerve To Complain About Being Homeless #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Scoffing at his ignorance and petulance, sources confirmed Thursday that local man Clint Williams, despite being a resident of the most affluent country in the history of the world, had the nerve to complain about being homeless. “I mean, this is the wealthiest, most powerful nation in the history of all of human civilization, and he’s out here grumbling that he doesn’t have a place to sleep?” said onlooker Vincent Bristow, who shook his head while watching the ingrate count out the change in his pocket to see if he had enough money to buy a cup of hot coffee. “Just look around you at these towering skyscrapers and dazzling buildings that he gets to sit outside of every day. Nobody’s life is perfect, but you have to put things in perspective: This is the United States of America we’re talking about! This guy’s basically won the lotto, and here he is griping that he’s hungry.” At press time, Williams was whining that there weren’t any public restrooms nearby where he could wash up before work.
GOP Argues Government Shouldn’t Be Deciding Which Bridges Succeed Or Fail #~# WASHINGTON—In response to the $2 trillion infrastructure plan unveiled by President Joe Biden this week, Republicans on Capitol Hill spent much of Thursday arguing that it shouldn’t be up to the government to decide whether bridges succeed or fail. “We here in Washington should not be in the business of picking winners and losers when it comes to which highway overpasses maintain their integrity and which collapse, killing dozens of innocent motorists,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who accused the White House proposal of “shameless favoritism,” suggesting it would use taxpayer dollars to exert control over whether a span of roadway buckled, fell into a river, and was swept away by the current. “What kind of message does it send to the American people when we prop up bridges that are failing at the expense of bridges that are working? There’s a real moral hazard here. At the end of the day, it should be left to the free market to determine which suspension cables snap and which ones remain intact.” McConnell went on to warn that if his Senate colleagues were not careful, the tyranny of routine government inspections and maintenance could spread to the nation’s interstates and airports.
Chauvin Defense Team Attempts To Demonize George Floyd By Tying Him To High-Profile 2020 Murder #~# MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to build a case supporting their client’s exoneration, the defense team of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin reportedly attempted to demonize the late George Floyd Wednesday by tying him to a high-profile 2020 murder. “To convict Officer Chauvin on these charges is to blatantly ignore Mr. Floyd’s questionable past, including his very presence at the scene of a brutal murder on May 25, 2020,” said Eric Nelson, Chauvin’s attorney, informing the judge that he had video evidence suggesting that Floyd had even played a role in the brutal slaying of a defenseless man. “We would be remiss if we didn’t question why Mr. Floyd was present at a murder. We simply want to present the evidence demonstrating Mr. Floyd’s clear ties to a senseless killing and let the jury draw their own conclusions. Furthermore, we cannot ignore the fact that for nearly a year, Mr. Floyd’s name has been synonymous with murder, and we just need to state for the record that this raises some potentially disturbing questions about his character.” Chauvin’s defense team additionally attempted to demonize Floyd by questioning the company he kept, submitting video evidence that on the day of the murder witness testimony he had been consorting with known murderer Derek Chauvin.
Brood X Cicadas To Emerge After 17 Years Underground #~# Billions of Brood X cicadas are expected to emerge across dozens of states in the coming weeks after spending 17 years underground, a rare natural spectacle of the periodic insects that only come up once to breed and die. What do you think?
Man Reminds Himself That Painful, Nauseating Side Effects Just Means That Triple Bacon Cheeseburger Working #~# SHEBOYGAN, WI—Shrugging off that he had been bedridden for the better part of the day, local man Jamison Kelly reminded himself Monday that the painful, nauseating side effects just meant that the triple bacon cheeseburger he recently consumed was working. “My muscles are cramping, I’m sweating, and I have a piercing headache, but the most important thing is that the three beef patties with crispy bacon and extra cheese are doing exactly what they’re meant to be doing,” said Kelly, adding that he would be more concerned if the 1,500-calorie meal, which also included fries, a soda, and a milkshake, had no negative effects on his body. “Oof. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been in this foggy haze all day, and I took a nap this afternoon where I had insane dreams and sweat through my sheets. I know it’s going to be a rough 24 hours, but the whole point of even ordering a Bacon Beef Blast combo meal is to come out of it on the other side even stronger.” Kelly also told reporters that, especially because he knew he was ordering a triple bacon cheeseburger, he should have planned ahead and taken Tuesday off from work.
Nation Pauses To Reflect On Heroic Sacrifices Of Will Smith’s Characters #~# NEW YORK—Taking a somber moment to meditate on where it would be without those great  heroes portrayed by the Hollywood star, the nation reportedly paused Monday to reflect on the noble sacrifices made by Will Smith’s characters. “Whether the threat be domestic, international, or intergalactic, the characters Will Smith depicted on the silver screen always rose to the challenge despite overwhelming  odds, and for that, America is thankful,” said Queens native Kyle McKenzie, who teared up as he echoed the sentiments of his fellow Americans, recalling how, in Independence Day, Smith’s Captain Steven Hiller had saved human civilization when he bravely penetrated the alien mothership and uploaded a virus to deactivate its shields. “Today we take time to remember those Will Smith roles that embodied the best of what it means to be American. We remember the names of Detective Mike Lowrey, Agent J, Hitch, the superhero John Hancock, and, from Gemini Man, Marine sniper Henry Brogan—though not of course Junior, the cloned assassin play by a digitally de-aged Smith who is sent to betray and kill Henry. From their time in the Wild Wild West to their work with the Men In Black, Will Smith’s characters are true patriots and should be venerated always for their courage and selflessness.” At press time, reports confirmed parades were being held across the country to honor the memory of Genie from Aladdin, specifically the character as portrayed by Smith in the live-action remake from 2019.
Mario Golf Producer Defends Choice To Use CGI Likeness After Death Of Luigi #~# TOKYO—Promising that the blockbuster release’s depiction of the legendary would be completely respectful,  Mario Golf producer Toshiharu Izuno defended Monday Nintendo’s choice to use a CGI likeness of Luigi in the game after the star’s death last year. “We have been in contact with Luigi’s estate and received full permission to use his image utilizing composite shots from his previous appearances, and we think it will honor his legacy,” said Izuno, who rejected concerns that he was exploiting Luigi’s tragic passing to generate buzz around the upcoming game. “Luigi was an integral part of this series, and we don’t think any other character would be able to capture his spirit, so rather than scrap the game we came up with this solution. We even worked with Luigi’s son Marcello to fill in some of the vocals so that his family could have some creative influence. We think this is a beautiful tribute to a man who impacted so many people, and using this computer technology to give folks one last chance to enjoy him is something most fans will love.” Izuno also dismissed accusations of fan service leveled at the game over the decision to retcon Mario and Luigi as Bowser’s children.
Use This Checklist To Build The Ultimate Bug-Out Bag #~# When disaster strikes, a real survivalist is always prepared. Use The Onion’s checklist to fill your bug-out bag with everything you’ll ever need in the event you have to evacuate.
Bob Baffert Once Again Denies Doping Allegations After Medina Spirit Wins Coca-Cola 600 #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Insisting that he would be cleared of all wrongdoing and is the target of a media witch hunt, embattled horse trainer Bob Baffert once again denied doping allegations Monday after his horse Medina Spirit won the Coca-Cola 600. “It’s a shame that my enemies are trying to downplay this historic accomplishment,” said Baffert, who credited Medina Spirit’s world-class trainers for pushing the thoroughbred to run the 600-mile race at a consistent 180-miles-per-hour pace. “Lord knows they subjected him to constant testing. And what do the tests show? Nothing. Everyone is just jealous because they didn’t put in the work. Anyone who’s paying attention knows that this is just a smear campaign against my racehorse.” At press time, Baffert promised to take legal action after Medina Spirit was removed from the NASCAR Cup Series standings.
University Names College Of Fine Arts After Chadwick Boseman #~# Howard University has renamed its College of Fine Arts after the late actor Chadwick Boseman, who was an alumnus of the school and its 2018 commencement speaker. What do you think?
The Most Jaw-Dropping Quotes From The ‘Friends’ Reunion #~# “I’m not saying another fucking word until I see that $5 million check.”
CDC Warns Against Kissing, Snuggling Backyard Poultry #~# The CDC recently issued an advisory after an increase in reported salmonella cases across the country, warning backyard farmers against getting too close to poultry in ways that could easily spread germs, like kissing or snuggling. What do you think?
New Evidence Shows Fauci May Have Been Created In Chinese Lab #~# GENEVA—Adding further confusion and uncertainty as to the origins of the public health official, new evidence obtained Friday by the World Health Organization suggests that Dr. Anthony Fauci, the chief medical adviser to President Biden, may have been created in a Chinese lab. “It appears that in November 2019, researchers at the Wuhan Institute of Virology mishandled several genetically manipulated strains of Dr. Fauci,” said WHO spokesperson Margaret Harris, adding that scientists at the biosafety-level-four laboratory appeared to be violating ethical guidelines when they altered DNA sequences derived from the prominent immunologist. “Beijing later ordered the destruction of all modified Fauci samples in the facility, but multiple grainy images from U.S. intelligence reports reveal the presence of several tiny, immature Faucis in incubation units. While we can’t say for certain that the lab is responsible for Dr. Fauci spreading and thriving across the United States, but this line of investigation certainly deserves more attention.” The WHO announcement is expected to fuel speculation that China maliciously altered the Fauci DNA it excavated from a cave in Yunnan province in 2013, intending to weaponize the infectious disease expert and Presidential Medal of Freedom recipient.
Frontier Airlines Reduces Fleet To One Large Agent Lifting And Jiggling Passengers While Making Motor Sounds #~# DENVER—Noting a need for major cutbacks, low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly reduced their fleet of aircrafts Friday to one large agent capable of lifting and jiggling passengers while making motor sounds. “With a huge decline in airline travel over the past year, Frontier has made the very reasonable decision to eliminate the monumental costs of carrier upkeep by cutting our fleet down to just Calvin here, who will pick you up and give you a jiggle while approximating the hum of the jet engines into your ear,” said Frontier spokesperson Melinda Garvey, gesturing toward a 6-foot-5 agent who crosschecked a passenger’s ticket against his flight log before announcing takeoff and hoisting her into the air with a roaring “eeennnnnoooooooooooow.” “Our loyal customers are invited to sit back and enjoy the same great flying experience they’re accustomed to at Frontier Airlines as Calvin safely ushers you through realistic turbulence to your destination several feet away. Check your bag at the gate or pay an extra $35 to hold it for the duration of your 5-minute ride. Platinum myFrontier Discount Den members will have access to in-flight snacks stowed in Calvin’s front pocket, as well as complimentary beverage service wherein Calvin will carry you over to the airport water fountain of your choice.” At press time, Frontier announced they’d be indefinitely grounding Calvin following a deadly collision with a wayward luggage cart.
Timeline Of The Louvre #~# The Louvre, the most-visited art museum in the world, recently announced the hiring of its first female director, Laurence des Cars, in its 228-year history. The Onion looks back at the most important events in the history of the Paris art museum.
Texas Doctors Required To Inform Women Seeking Abortion That Fetus Already Cowboys Fan #~# AUSTIN, TX—Declaring it a vital new measure to protect unborn life, Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a law Friday requiring doctors to inform any woman seeking an abortion that her fetus was already a Dallas Cowboys fan. “We just want all women to understand the gravity of the decision to terminate a pregnancy, and informing the potential mother that their child has formed a lifelong attachment to America’s Team will help them make an enlightened decision,” said Abbott of the new bill, which would prohibit abortion procedures without medical personnel first informing the woman that her unborn child had chosen Ezekiel Elliott over Jaylon Smith as their favorite player. “At six weeks, the fetus has already developed a deep-seated hatred for the Eagles and Giants, and it’s irresponsible for a doctor to withhold that information from a pregnant woman as she’s making a decision. That’s why anyone seeking an abortion must first look at an ultrasound of their fetus decorated with a Cowboys border, and learn that by the second trimester, your fetus can feel the pain of a crushing loss at Jerry World. So, if you’re considering killing your unborn child, just remember: You’re not just terminating a fetus; you’re terminating someone with a diehard devotion to the Dallas Cowboys.” Anti-abortion proponents applauded the new law, calling it the best legislation to protect unborn babies since a 2012 Georgia law requiring doctors to inform any woman seeking an abortion that their fetus was already craving a nice big plate of shrimp and grits.
Friends Agree To Take Away Drunk Man’s Car Keys, Jangle Them Just Out Of His Reach #~# BOSTON—In a decision deemed the ideal course of action given his inebriated state, sources at Garfinkel’s bar confirmed Friday that the friends of local drunk man Brian Wendell agreed it would be best if they took away his car keys and jangled them just out of his reach. “Brian is pretty fucked up right now, so it seemed like we should probably take the keys to his Corolla, hold them high above his head, and then laugh when he started stumbling around and trying to get them back,” said Wendell’s friend Ashraf Salah, who explained that it was also an appropriate time for the drinking buddies to toss the keychain back and forth while yelling things like “Up here, Brian,” “Oh—too slow,” and “Psych!” “We should make sure to get him in a cab and then run alongside it as it’s pulling away so one of us can wave the keys at Brian and maybe even reach inside his window and dangle them right in his face for a second before yanking them back again. In any case, there’s no way we can let him get behind the wheel of a car when he’s this able to be fucked with.” At closing time, Wendell was reportedly seen driving himself home as he gripped the wheel of his car with bloody knuckles.
John Cena Apologizes To China For Calling Taiwan A Country #~# Actor and wrestler John Cena has released an apology video to fans in China after referring to Taiwan as a country in an interview, which sparked controversy due to China viewing the island as an illegitimate breakaway province. What do you think?
Common Mistakes Everyone Makes During Job Interviews #~# Don’t give the impression you’re only interested in a paycheck.
Amazon Buys MGM For $8.45B #~# Amazon has announced it will buy MGM Studios and its library of over 4,000 films for $8.45 billion in a move aimed at bolstering its offerings against streaming competitors. What do you think?
Man Finds Unidentifiable Beige Thing He Froze 6 Months Ago #~# VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Holding the icy brown mass  aloft in a vain attempt to inspect it, local man Ralph Freeman confirmed Thursday that he found an unidentifiable beige food item that he froze, like, six months ago. “I think it might be some kind of gravy or something,” said Freeman, who speculated that the color and uniformity of the mass could mean it was leftover broth from Thanksgiving or Christmas, or maybe a stew he made on New Year’s Eve. “I don’t remember actually freezing any soup, it’s not solid enough to be dough though. Maybe something else leaked and froze around the outside? It doesn’t smell like anything except freezer. Oh well, I should still probably hold onto it so it doesn’t go to waste.” At press time, Freeman had decided it was not worth cutting a chili recipe in half even though he was only cooking for himself.
Minneapolis Honors Police Brutality Victims By Dedicating Armored Vehicles To George Floyd #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Following a year of upheaval that saw the country undergo a massive reckoning regarding state-sponsored violence, Minneapolis honored victims of police brutality Thursday by dedicating a fleet of armored vehicles to George Floyd. “These state-of-the-art military-style trucks equipped with power turrets and tear-gas deployment nozzles serve as a fitting tribute to a man whose life was cut tragically short,” said Mayor Jacob Frey during the dedication ceremony in which the six $750,000 armored vehicles adorned with Floyd’s image were paraded through the city’s downtown area. “We hope that all residents will think of George Floyd whenever they feel the ground quaking as these eight-ton vehicles roll by and reflect on how much we’ve accomplished since his untimely death, and how much further we still have to go. I’m thankful to say that today we’ve taken this first step that will allow officers to immediately achieve supremacy in any confrontation and ensure that fewer tragic accidents occur. In this spirit of compassion, we will also be opening a small charitable fund in George Floyd’s name to help support officers who have been removed from active duty.” At press time, mayors across the country were reportedly so moved by Minneapolis’ actions that they’d vowed to allocate billions of dollars for police departments to organize their own tributes.
Coronavirus Variant Excited To Compete With World’s Top Mutations In Tokyo This Summer #~# LONDON—Having prepared for months to make its mark at this year’s Olympics, coronavirus variant B.1.525—a U.K. native best known for its skillful weakening of antibody responses—confirmed Thursday that it was excited to compete in Tokyo against top mutations from across the globe. “I can’t wait to travel to Japan this July and show the whole world what I’m capable of,” said the highly transmissible permutation of the SARS-CoV-2 virus, recounting how it had honed its spike proteins and vaccine resistance in anticipation of the international gathering of deadly pathogens. “I know South Africa, Brazil, and India will be bringing the heat, but I’m planning to have a big breakout moment myself. And if I’m not a household name by the closing ceremonies, well, there’s always the 2021 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally later in the summer.” Olympic bookmakers, observing that the United States is overdue to produce a highly lethal mutation, are reported to have the young California variants B.1.427 and B.1.429 favored in the spread.
Carey Price Lets In Easy Goal While Contemplating Chemical Properties Of Ice #~# MONTREAL—Getting jarred back to reality by the screams of the crowd as the puck slid past his skates, Canadiens goaltender Carey Price let in an easy goal against the Maple Leafs Thursday while contemplating the chemical properties of ice. “It goes from a liquid to a solid to a vapor just like that,” said Price, who had slowly drifted away from the net after becoming entranced by a patch of shredded ice near the penalty box. “Ice is really something when you think about it. I hate to give up an easy goal, but I also don’t want to lose sight of the magic that exists in the everyday world. We carve up this ice for hours at a time and yet it still holds us up—that means a lot.” At press time, Price delayed the game to contemplate the hard rubber of the hockey puck after making a save.
A New Look: The Dry Cleaner Lost Samus’s Suit So Now She’s Wearing Mesh Shorts And A Big Dogs XXL T-Shirt #~# Get ready, Metroid fans, because everyone’s favorite bounty hunter Samus Aran has an all new look! That’s right, it looks like the dry cleaner lost her iconic Power Suit, so now she’s wearing mesh shorts and an XXL Big Dogs T-shirt.
Ignorant Fool Asks If Girlfriend Really Needs Another Decorative Teapot #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—In an astonishing display of callousness and naivety, local ignorant fool Brandon Thurber reportedly asked his girlfriend Thursday if she really needed another decorative teapot. “It’s pretty, but don’t you already have a couple of teapots like this?” said the numbskull, who furrowed his brow in stupidity as he utterly failed to grasp the elementary level concept that each and every piece of pottery was a unique and perfect piece of art created to be collected. “It looks a lot like that tall one you keep with all the flowery teapots in the living room—you know, on the coffee table beside all the butterfly teapots you keep on the bookshelf? I might be mistaken, but I thought you already had a teapot with a golden-colored handle. Plus, $80 is a little bit pricey, and I know you’ve been wanting to save up for our beach trip. Maybe you should sit on it for a bit before buying.” At press time, Thurber was frantically attempting to purchase the teapot for his girlfriend.
11-Year-Old Used ‘SVU’ Tip To Mark Attacker #~# An 11-year-old credited watching episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit for her quick thinking when she marked a knife-wielding man attempting to kidnap her with blue-dyed slime as a way for authorities to identify him. What do you think?
Tired Man Can’t Deal With Chipper Frosted Mini Wheats Box So Early In The Morning #~# SEATTLE—Grumbling about having to engage in such a lively interaction at this hour, local man Chris Wilson was reportedly too tired to deal with his chipper, overly energetic Frosted Mini Wheats box so early in the morning. “Christ, I just woke up, and already this loud orange box is screaming at me about how it’s frosted just right and there’s a crunch in every bite,” said Wilson, confirming his annoyance with the numerous anthropomorphic cereal pieces zooming in every direction and bragging about their nutritional benefits. “I don’t want to be rude, but it’s 6:30 a.m. and the last thing I want to do is hear about how much fiber they have or solve a bunch of little word puzzles like they’re asking me to.” At press time, Wilson was taking enormous satisfaction in tearing apart the cereal box and throwing it in the recycling bin.
Fan Stays Until The End Of Marlins Game To Miss The Traffic #~# MIAMI—Lamenting how congested the roads would be if he left the stadium now, Marlins fan Ed Padilla admitted Thursday that he was only staying until the end of the game to avoid traffic. “Getting out of this place can be an absolute nightmare, but if you can last until the sixth or seventh inning, you’re usually in the clear,” said Padilla, who woefully recalled sitting in gridlock traffic for hours when he left a Marlins game after the third inning last year. “I know some people would say I’m not a true Marlin’s fan for hanging around to see the end of the game, but it is just easier this way. I would love to miss out on our bullpen getting shelled night after night, but it beats being stuck in wall-to-wall traffic, and this way I don’t have to suffer listening to the game on the radio when I leave.” At press time, a visibly frustrated Padilla was trying to navigate the crowds to the parking lot after he, multiple Marlins players, and most of the stadium staff elected to leave right after the eighth inning. 
Ask ‘The Onion’: How To Go Zero Waste #~# While mason jars and metal straws may seem like a hot internet trend, there’s actually a larger movement of everyday people trying to eliminate waste from their lives entirely. You asked The Onion your most pressing questions about living a zero waste lifestyle, and we have the answers.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# SAN JOSE, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Wyoming resident Claire Watson, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Biden, Putin To Hold Summit In Geneva #~# President Biden and Russian President Vladimir Putin will meet next month in Geneva amid escalating tensions that include Russian cyberattacks, election interference, and the poisoning and detainment of Alexei Navalny. What do you think?
Therapy: Myth Vs. Fact #~# An estimated 40 million adults receive therapy treatment every year, but those considering therapy or even in therapy may encounter some common myths and misconceptions about what it can accomplish. The Onion debunks the most enduring myths about therapy.
Surgeon Totally Blanks On What He Cut Open Patient For #~# LEWISTON, ME—Racking his brain for any potential explanation, local surgeon Sergio Mitchell totally blanked Wednesday on what he cut open a patient for. “Now why the hell did I make this giant slit again?” said Mitchell of the 6-inch-long transverse incision he made across his subject’s abdomen with a No. 10 scalpel, retracing his steps from the prep room to the operating chamber in the hopes that it would jog his memory as to the nature of the procedure. “Am I supposed to be taking something out or putting something in? There’s no way I’m asking the nurse, ’cause then I’ll really look like a complete fucking idiot.” At press time, Mitchell decided to just keep cutting deeper with the hope that he would eventually find some clues.
Unexpected Crunch Prompts Woman To Take Roll Call Of Teeth With Tip Of Tongue #~# SAN DIEGO—Moments after she sat down to enjoy a warm bowl of fettuccine with homemade tomato sauce, a sudden and unexpected crunching sensation prompted area woman Meg Stanton to stop and take a careful roll call of her teeth with the tip of her tongue, sources reported Wednesday. “Oh, fuck, was that part of my tooth?” Stanton reportedly said to herself, her heart pounding as she spat her pasta back into the bowl and quickly ran her tongue along the surfaces of each incisor, canine, premolar, and molar to check for any cracks or holes and ensure each tooth was present and accounted for. “Let’s see—one, two, three, four. No, all the molars on that side are still there. And I’m not feeling any rough edges or bare gums anywhere else. That hurt like hell, though. And it was loud! Did a bone get in there or something? Yuck.” According to sources, Stanton dove back in and finished her meal after searching the bowl and discovering that the rock-hard object was indeed a tooth, but clearly one belonging to someone else.
Critics Warn $15 Wage Will Force McDonald’s To Replace Burger Patties With Robots #~# CHICAGO—Cautioning the fast-food giant against cutting into their profit margins, critics warned Wednesday that a 15-dollar minimum wage would force McDonald’s to replace burger patties with robots. “Once you hike up the minimum wage, McDonald’s will have no choice but to replace the Big Mac with an automated burger,” said Brookings Institute scholar Brendal Corrigan, insisting that market forces would drive McDonald’s to place a whirring circuit-based robot patty between two sesame seed buns. “Activists are setting us on a path where we’ll be biting into a mess of gears, wires, and electrical components whenever we want a burger. It only makes economic sense for McDonald’s to turn to fully automated menu items.” At press time, critics recommended McDonald’s take a gradual approach toward integrating robot burgers over the course of 10 years.
Phil Mickelson Becomes First Golfer To Win Major In 14 Different Decades #~# SAN DIEGO—Making history with his PGA Championship victory Sunday at Kiawah Island, Phil Mickelson became the first golfer to win a major tournament in 14 different decades. “It took Phil a while to get his first major, but he’s been on an incredible run since the 1881 British Open,” said Golf Periodically editor Alister Jensen, comparing Mickelson’s longevity to rival players like Ernie Els and Old Tom Morris, who have long since retired from competitive golf. “Who knows how many majors Lefty might have if his career wasn’t interrupted by his service in World War II? Everyone remembers watching Phil and Tiger climb the leaderboard, but he’s gone toe-to-toe with Arnold Palmer, Seve Ballesteros, and Bobby Jones. His win at The Ocean Course is nothing short of a historical feat.” At press time, Mickelson revealed plans to extend his career by playing in the senior tour for another 10 decades. 
Trae Young Silences MSG Crowd To Tell Spike Lee ‘School Daze’ Had Too Many Plotlines #~# NEW YORK—His voice echoing through the stands as he pointed at the legendary director, Hawks guard Trae Young silenced the Madison Square Garden crowd Sunday to tell a court side Spike Lee that School Daze had too many plotlines. “I get what you’re trying to do by representing these different viewpoints but honestly it’s too many characters. You heard me!” yelled Young, who raised his arms beckoning the crowd to boo him as he tore into Lee’s decision to include overlong musical numbers that distracted from the central thesis about Black college life. “I know you think you were being ambitious, but it’s just a jumbled mess, man. Yeah, you got a good performance out of Laurence Fishburne, who doesn’t? It’s patchwork, you hear me? Patchwork!” At press time, Young had turned to Lee after nailing a three and screamed, “Flesh out your leads!”
Belarus ‘Hijacks’ Plane To Arrest Journalist #~# The Belarus government forced a flight traveling through its airspace from Athens to Lithuania to land in order to arrest a dissident journalist who was on board, sparking international outrage with some labeling it a “state-sponsored hijacking.” What do you think?
Florida High School Alters Yearbook Photos To Hide Girls Entirely #~# ST. JOHNS, FL—In an effort to uphold values outlined in the code of conduct, officials from Bartram Trail High School confirmed Tuesday that they had altered yearbook photos to hide girls entirely. “Due to an inundation of dress code violations, including photos showing female cleavage, shoulders, arms, faces, and hands, we were left with no choice but to remove girls altogether,” said Bartram Trail principal Chris Phelps, who stated that faculty and staff were “extremely disappointed” in female students’ decisions to appear in photos in the first place. “These girls were warned, and yet they submitted pictures of themselves eating lunch, playing sports, and hanging out with friends anyway. You could clearly tell that these girls were blatantly showing off their two X chromosomes. It’s unnecessarily provocative. It’s bad enough that parents allow their children to come to school in this gender, and we’re not going to encourage it by depicting it in our yearbooks.” At press time, Phelps issued a stern reminder to graduating seniors that inappropriate behavior like being female “wouldn’t fly” next year in college or a professional workplace either. 
Class-Action Suit Against God Pays Out 45 Extra Seconds Of Life To Every Creature #~# THE HEAVENS—Calling it a historic victory for all who have been victims of the Lord’s negligence, lawyers representing the planet’s estimated 20 quintillion animal inhabitants announced Tuesday that a class-action lawsuit against God would pay out an extra 45 seconds of life to each creature. “While no amount of extra time on this Earth can compensate for the many grave indignities He has inflicted upon His creation, we are nonetheless thankful that our clients will finally see some justice,” said lead attorney Landon Burke, who announced that anyone who believed they were owed restitution by God could reply to the notice they received in the mail or sign up online to receive their supplemental 45 seconds of life. “Less than a minute may not seem like much, but when you add it up, you are talking about a payout of almost 30 trillion years, a record judgment in a case of this kind. This is a huge win for humans, birds, fish, and insects—especially the mayfly, which unjustly received from its Creator an adulthood lasting less than a day. We hope, with this precedent, to establish once and for all that while He may be the Almighty, God is not above the law.” Pressed for comment by reporters, Burke confirmed that in exchange for their services, each member of his legal team would receive an additional 700 billion years of life. 
Everyday Products You Never Knew Actually Started In The Military #~# The U.S. government spends billions of dollars on weapons development each year, but once in a while, they accidentally invent products for regular people. Here are several household items you use every day but never realized actually started in the military.
Daring Legal Strategy: Tim Sweeney Is Threatening To Hold His Breath Until The Judge Rules In Epic Games’ Favor #~# Ever since Apple’s decision to boot multiplayer smash-hit Fortnite from the App Store, mobile gamers everywhere have been missing out on one of the best battle royale experience out there. But a new development in the ongoing legal fight between the Unreal Engine’s creator and the Tim Cook-led tech juggernaut might just push the lawsuit in the right direction for gamers everywhere! In a brilliant legal strategy, Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney just threatened to hold his breath until the judge rules in his favor and restores the app to its rightful place.
Alabama Overturns Ban On Yoga In Schools #~# Alabama has ended a decades-long ban on teaching yoga in public schools, a measure that will still prohibit chanting and using Sanskrit names for poses in addition to requiring a permission slip from parents acknowledging yoga’s connection to Hinduism. What do you think?
Biden Concerned Ambitious Agenda Could Be Stalled By Him Not Really Caring If It Happens Or Not #~# WASHINGTON—Faced with obstacles to his policy proposals that threatened to derail their passage, President Joe Biden on Tuesday reportedly expressed his concern that his ambitious agenda could be stalled by him not really caring if it happens or not. “I came into office with a mandate to enact big, bold legislation that would improve the lives of everyday Americans, but we still face the significant obstacle of it not particularly mattering to me whether we ever actually do that,” said Biden, warning that campaign promises like eliminating student loan debt, passing large-scale infrastructure reform, and reducing income inequality don’t have a chance of happening if he can’t get himself on board. “We can talk all we want about protecting voting rights or improving our healthcare system, but ultimately it doesn’t matter if I don’t   have any real stake in making those  changes happen. Frankly, it’s possible we will never get these things across the finish line unless I start to give a shit.” Biden also cautioned that even if he did start  ramping up public pressure to enact his ambitious agenda, it could still be stalled in Congress by dozens of Democrats who also don’t give a flying fuck whether or not it ever passes.
Republicans Worried Blind Worship Of Trump Overriding Traditional Values Like Blind Worship Of Reagan #~# WASHINGTON—Unsettled by the direction in which their party appeared to be headed, a small group of Republicans expressed concern Monday that blind worship of former President Donald Trump had begun to erode more traditional GOP values, such as the blind worship of former President Ronald Reagan. “It’s deeply troubling to me that the Republican Party has devolved into little more than a cult of personality fixated on someone other than Ronald Reagan,” said Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL), who observed that the lionization of a man who over the past four years made life worse for millions of Americans was a dangerous distraction from the lionization of a man who did the same thing but in the 1980s. “It’s disconcerting, with Trump, to see a charismatic entertainer hailed as the ultimate Republican despite a very troubling legacy. That’s supposed to be Reagan’s role. When it comes to the unquestioning acceptance of a man who demonized minorities and made rich people richer at the expense of working families, we must always direct our abject fealty toward the 40th president, not the 45th.” Later in the day, after meeting with GOP congressional leaders and receiving numerous calls from top donors, Kinzinger acknowledged Trump was indeed one of the greatest leaders our country had ever had.
Simone Biles Lands Historic Vault #~# Five-time Olympic medalist Simone Biles landed a Yurchenko double pike, a challenging vault never before accomplished by a female gymnast in competition. What do you think?
Man With Fear Of Flying Reminds Himself You More Likely To Get Kidnapped By Belarusian Dictator On Drive To Airport #~# SALINA, KS—In an attempt to quell his anxieties surrounding the popular mode of transportation, Frederick Varela attempted to quell his fear of flying Monday by reminding himself that he was more likely to get kidnapped by a Belarusian dictator during the drive  to the airport than while  in the air. “Obviously, some people feel really vulnerable when they’re trapped in a small metal tube thousands of feet up in the sky, but, if we’re going by the statistics, you should actually be more afraid of a Belarusian autocrat snatching you out of your car while you’re taking a cab to the terminal,” said Varela, doing his best to stay mindful of the fact that the overwhelming majority of air travelers never even have their flights hijacked by MIG-29 fighter jets personally dispatched by the strongman leader of a small Eastern European country. “Sure, when these types of things happen, you see sensational coverage all over the media, but in reality, it’s a freak occurrence. You’re more likely to be struck by lightning than whisked off your plane and convicted in a politically motivated kangaroo court.” At press time, a visibly shaken Varela stressed that he was also probably overreacting to his flight getting diverted to Minsk due to a flimsy-sounding bomb threat.
New Orleans Airbnb Touts Location In Heart Of Historic Airbnb Quarter #~# NEW ORLEANS—Enticing potential bookers with the apartment’s best features, a New Orleans Airbnb  reportedly touted Monday its location in the heart of the city’s historic Airbnb quarter. “Located mere steps from a wide array of other Airbnbs, this apartment is the perfect spot for a couple or two friends to explore the sights and sounds of the Big Easy’s iconic Airbnb district,” read the listing in part, adding that the apartment was located on the top floor of a beautiful gut-rehabbed building dating all the way back to 2009. “A private and spacious apartment located right where a 1852 Creole cottage used to be, our year-round rental offers incredible views of dozens of other Airbnbs with a long and storied tradition of hosting bachelorette parties and boys’ weekends. Upon your arrival, you’ll find we’ve even made a little walking tour of all the best short-term rentals dotting the Airbnb Quarter, or you can strike out on your own, and who knows? While you’re out getting coffee and beignets, you might even find yourself stumbling upon some of the oldest Airbnbs in the city.” The apartment listing also touted the benefits of staying near the colorful local community, encouraging customers to experience firsthand New Orleans’ famous Instacart and UberEats delivery drivers.
7-Year-Old Has Seen Way Deeper Deep Ends #~# COLUMBUS, IN—Unfazed by the public swimming pool, local 7-year-old Logan Dixon told reporters Monday that he had seen way deeper deep ends. “Give me a break, what is this, five feet or something?” said Dixon, whose wisdom and courage left witnesses awestruck as he described how the public swimming pool’s depths paled in comparison to the those he had experienced at summer camp last year and at his friend Hunter’s house. “Sure, it’s deep by most people’s standards, but I’ve seen some things you wouldn’t believe. I’ve been in pools where I couldn’t even touch the bottom, not even on my tippy toes. Trust me, this is nothing.” At press time, Dixon was clinging to a foam pool noodle for dear life.
Patient With 18 Months To Live Not Sure She Can Sustain Cherishing Every Moment That Long #~# LYNN, MA—Reeling in the wake of a diagnosis giving her 18 months to live, local woman Sophie Williams reportedly admitted Monday that she wasn’t sure she could sustain cherishing every moment for that long. “Ever since learning the pancreatic cancer was terminal, I’ve been thinking a lot about savoring the little things in life, and, honestly, a year and a half is just way too much time to keep that up,” said Williams, who told reporters that she could see herself spending six or maybe even eight months relishing each visit with loved ones, sky full of stars, or even breath of air, but that it was impossible to imagine feeling gratitude toward the universe for more than a year. “Would I love to cherish every moment? Yeah, sure. But that’s, like, five hundred sunrises. Let’s be real. Am I going to wake up that many times and always feel like basking in the majesty of nature? Absolutely not. Sometimes you just want to lie in bed and mindlessly scroll through Twitter, y’know?” Williams added that she would probably give up on cherishing things entirely if the cancer ever went into remission.
Nation All Itchy #~# WASHINGTON—Feeling completely overwhelmed by the uncomfortable sensation, the nation was reportedly all itchy, frantically scratching sources confirmed Monday. “Gah, it’s driving me crazy!” said Greg McLaren, one of the 328 million Americans who was currently reaching for a ruler, fork, or any other implement he could use to get to the hard-to-reach spots on his lower back, desperately trying to find some relief regardless of whether he broke skin or started bleeding. “I know I’m just making it worse, but I can’t help myself. I don’t know if it’s an allergic reaction or what.” At press time, a red, puffy U.S. populace was on their way to Walgreens to get some hydrocortisone cream.
Actors Describe The Dream Role They Never Got To Play #~# In an effort to learn about the ultimate part that had eluded actors throughout their careers, The Onion asked some of Hollywood’s biggest stars to talk about missing out on iconic roles.
World’s Largest Iceberg Breaks Off From Antarctica #~# An iceberg bigger than the state of Rhode Island has broken off the Ronne ice shelf in a natural event called calving unattributed to climate change, making the iceberg the largest in the world. What do you think?
Conservative Man Misses Days When U.S. Army Was 2 Inches Tall, Green, And Plastic #~# MINNETONKA, MN—Calling the armed forces of today a “far cry” from the honorable soldiers he recalled from his upbringing, local conservative resident Phil Hayes told reporters Friday he longed for a bygone era when the U.S. Army was 2 inches tall, green, and plastic. “When I was young, every man in the Army respected the chain of command and knew how to follow orders, whether they were deployed on the ground in hostile backyard terrain or striving to take an enemy anthill,” said the 45-year-old, adding that modern troops did not have the commitment to duty required to face a torture-by-melting in the microwave or to jump out of a tree equipped with nothing more than a makeshift parachute fashioned from notebook paper and twine. “I mean, Jesus Christ, what happened? Back then, men were heroes who would hold their position no matter what, never letting their guard down as they stood in place with a grenade, rifle, flamethrower, mortar, or bazooka. This new crop is just a bunch of snowflakes who could never complete a deadly mission under the bed or fight off insurgent Barbies until the LEGO reinforcements could arrive.” Hayes went on to say that above all, he missed the days when everyone in the military was one color, one gender, and couldn’t open their fused, plastic mouths to talk back.
Anti-Asian Hate Crimes Bill Signed Into Law #~# President Biden signed legislation focused on aggressively investigating hate crimes, especially those targeting Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders, amid a dramatic increase during the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?
Most Common Mistakes Made By Home Gardeners #~# With summer fast approaching, it’s time to pick up a shovel, head to a nursery, and spend hundreds of dollars on plants you will inevitably kill. Here are some of the most common mistakes made by home gardeners, and how to avoid them.
‘And You Lived In Afghanistan For How Long?’ Asks Suspicious Agent Questioning Returning Soldier At Customs #~# BOSTON—Appearing suspicious as she asked how long the soldier had lived in the Central Asian country, U.S. airport customs officer Michele Cox extensively questioned Army Staff Sgt. Joey Tatum upon the serviceman’s return from Afghanistan, sources confirmed Friday. “So, Mr. Tatum, your passport shows you’ve traveled quite a bit between the United States and Kabul over the years—what was the purpose of all that, exactly?” said Cox, who went on to ask the 37-year-old serviceman if his most recent trip had been for business or pleasure and reportedly cast a suspicious eye upon the oversized military duffel Tatum had carried aboard his flight. “We just want to double-check some of this. You have no family there, correct? And you say this will probably be your last trip to Afghanistan, but you can’t be absolutely certain? Okay, I’m just going to need you to wait here a moment while I talk to my superiors.” At press time, officials at Logan International Airport stated that Tatum was denied entry and detained by customs after it was discovered he had killed several people overseas.
Brilliant New Animated Comedy Gives Viewers Clinical Depression #~# LOS ANGELES—Hailed by critics from The New Yorker, Vulture, and Uproxx as a groundbreaking show pushing the boundaries of what was possible in the medium of television, brilliant new animated comedy The Petunia Chronicles reportedly gives its viewers clinical depression. “Although we’re only five episodes into this innovatively joyless and melancholy-inducing show, The Petunia Chronicles is already demonstrating that it goes beyond the current crop of celebrated gloomy adult animated comedies by actually giving its viewers major depressive disorders,” wrote television critic Freddie Winslow, adding that the lavishly animated show about a cast of anthropomorphic flowers voiced by Aubrey Plaza, Sam Richardson, and Rob Huebel, who make terrible life decisions, had forced him to see a psychiatrist and start taking Paxil by the end of episode two. “You will absolutely want to kill yourself multiple times every episode, but that’s only part of its charm. It not only addresses the difficult topic of depression through its inventive visuals and relentless dreariness, but it actually burrows itself in viewers’ brains to prevent serotonin uptake and throw your  chemicals out of whack. It’s not afraid to experiment, either; without spoiling anything, I can say that the screeners I watched of the season’s second half will give you actual, debilitating physical pain. For fans of suffering, it’s a must-watch.” Reviewers also praised the show for its novel surface-level understanding of philosophical concepts like nihilism and absurdism that gave viewers a false sense of intelligent superiority in addition to crippling depression.
What To Know About The 17-Year Cicadas #~# The 17-year cicadas, Brood X, have begun to emerge across the United States, driving curiosity among science fans and nature lovers. The Onion breaks down everything you need to know about the 17-year cicadas.
Adult Kickball League Great Way To Meet Other People Who Are Entirely Out Of Options #~# CHICAGO—Excited about his final opportunity to make friends as an adult before surrendering to a life of solitude, local man Josh Kelly reported Friday that the adult kickball he joined would be a great way to meet other people who are entirely out of options. “It feels good to do something different and meet some other really desperate people who also threw their hands up in the air and conceded, ‘I might as well try this,’” said Kelly, who expressed optimism that he would have a lot in common with the other sad, lonely souls who have sunk so low that they were willing to try anything just to make connection with someone. “We can all bond by standing around awkwardly before practice not making eye contact and then forcing ourselves to care when someone drives a kick deep into left field. Who knows, after the game we can even nurse a beer for an hour and talk about what’s got us to this point. It’ll be fun.” At press time, Kelly’s teammates were considering kicking him off the team after he missed the three mandatory weekly practices.
Texas Bans Abortions As Early As 6 Weeks Into Pregnancy #~# Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a bill into law barring most abortions at the onset of a fetal heartbeat, which can occur as early as six weeks into pregnancy and before many people know they are pregnant. What do you think?
New Initiative Helps Young Girls Gain Confidence By Teaching Them To Melt Human Beings With Sonic Mind Blasts #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to prevent harmful patterns of gender inequality from being passed to the next generation, the National Organization for Women announced a new initiative Friday that would help young girls gain confidence by teaching them to melt human beings via sonic mind blasts. “At an early age, our girls can start building the courage and resolve they need by learning to harness the power of their minds to reduce anyone in their way to a simmering pool of charred flesh,” said NOW spokeswoman Lindsey Franklin, citing preliminary data that found nine out of 10 teens reported feeling better about themselves and their ability to speak up in group settings once the molten muscles and bones of their adversaries lay scorched and twitching in a puddle. “We want each girl to know how to recognize sexism when she experiences it, because that way she can eliminate its perpetrators through excruciating pyrokinetic torture instead of allowing such behaviors to go unchallenged. If someone interrupts her, for instance, we want her to know it’s not ‘impolite’ or ‘unladylike’ to pause, turn around to address the interrupter, cause his skull to explode into a thousand tiny fragments of bone, and then continue on with her point. It is imperative that we equip women and girls around the world with this knowledge: that far from being ‘the weaker sex,’ we are in fact more powerful than God or nature could possibly have intended.” During a press conference on the new program, Franklin responded to a question she had already answered with a penetrating stare that left the reporter bleeding from his eyes.
Gorgeous Vacation Spots For Escaped Felons On A Budget #~# Whether you’ve been on the lam for weeks or just recently tunneled out of a high-security correctional facility, The Onion has compiled the most breathtaking and economical vacation spots for escaped prisoners.
McConnell Opposes Bipartisan January 6 Commission #~# Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell announced his opposition to forming an independent commission that would investigate the January 6th riot at the U.S. Capitol and make recommendations to prevent another insurrection. What do you think?
Apartment Listing Cagey About Whether Unit Has Floor #~# CHICAGO—Scouring through the photos in search of a more revealing angle, apartment-hunter George Marvin expressed concern Thursday over a two-bedroom listing that was for some reason being cagey about whether the unit came with a floor. “Most of the time they will tell you whether a place has wood flooring or carpet, but this one really dances around all that and just says ‘open concept’ and ‘lots of space,’” Marvin told reporters, adding that the photographs in the listing appeared to have been taken with some kind of wide-angle lens to avoid showing the floor or ceiling, and that he was beginning to worry his $1,200 budget would not provide him with a solid surface upon which to stand. “I can make out part of an overhead lighting fixture in one shot, so there has to be a ceiling, but none of the pictures show any floorboards or rugs or anything. The description even goes into some detail about the countertops, the plumbing fixtures, and the built-in bookcase, but it’s curiously quiet about any floor it might have. The more I think about it, though, I’m usually on the couch or in bed and don’t really spend all that much time on the floor.” At press time, Marvin had reportedly agreed to take the apartment sight-unseen after deciding that, if push came to shove, he could probably make due by nailing all his furniture to the walls.    
Oval Office Closed For Cleaning After Major Biden Vomits Partially Digested Secret Service Agent Onto Carpet #~# WASHINGTON—White House sources revealed Thursday that the Oval Office had been temporarily closed for cleaning after President Biden’s dog Major vomited a partially digested Secret Service agent onto the carpet. “Major is in good health and resting comfortably, and the office will be open as soon as a maintenance crew has finished scrubbing the floor of human remains,” said Press Secretary Jen Psaki, confirming that Biden’s German shepherd had been whining and moaning throughout the morning before ultimately disgorging what appeared to be an ear and a pair of sunglasses directly onto the presidential seal. “Major will be receiving additional obedience training, and we’ll be updating his diet to ensure that he’s receiving the requisite nutrients and won’t wander off to snack on any White House staff members or visiting dignitaries.” At press time, the National Mall had been shuttered until further notice after Major defecated the remainder of the agent into the Reflecting Pool.
‘I Guess I’d Watch Another,’ Says Woman Unaware Boyfriend Died On Couch 4 Episodes Ago #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Saying she would be “down to watch another one,” local woman Anna Cook was reportedly unaware Thursday that she had sat through four episodes of the Netflix series Bridgerton since her boyfriend, 34-year-old Kyle Lampson, had passed away on the sofa. “At first I wasn’t sure about this show, but now I kind of want to keep watching to see what happens,” Cook said as she pressed play on another installment of the popular Regency-era romance and pried a popcorn bowl loose from the tight, rigor mortis grip of Lampson’s corpse, failing to notice the flies depositing eggs in her late partner’s nose, ears, and open mouth. “Wow, someone is having trouble sharing. Anyway, I want to see if the Archbishop of Canterbury agrees to expedite Daphne and Simon’s marriage license, but we can turn in after this next one. It’s a pretty addictive show, isn’t it?” After remarking that Lampson felt cold and she no longer wanted to cuddle, Cook reportedly became so engrossed in Eloise’s attempts to uncover the identity of Lady Whistledown that she did not even bother removing the corpse’s arm from around her shoulder.
The Final Episode Of The Topical #~# Leslie Price returns from a months-long investigation to serve as host of America’s only daily news podcast one last time.
Twitter Planning Paid Subscription Service #~# Twitter is reportedly rolling out a $3 per month subscription model called Twitter Blue that would offer users exclusive services such as saving and organizing favorite tweets as well as undoing tweets. What do you think?
Supreme Court To Hear Abortion Rights Challenge #~# The Supreme Court agreed to hear a case concerning a Mississippi law banning abortion after 15 weeks of pregnancy, giving the majority conservative court an opportunity to pare back constitutional rights set in Roe v. Wade. What do you think?
Ask ‘The Onion’: How To Score The Best Deal On Travel #~# With airlines and hotels beginning to open up at full capacity, there’s never been a better time to get major discounts on vacations. You asked The Onion your most pressing questions on travel deals, and we have the answers.
Congress Reaches Compromise To Investigate Events Of January 9 #~# WASHINGTON—After weeks of tense negotiation between Democratic and Republican leaders, Congress reached a compromise Wednesday to investigate the events of Jan. 9. “The attack on the Capitol was a notorious day in American history that we still have many questions about, which is why we’re pleased to announce the formation of the Jan. 9 Commission, a day pretty close to it,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, who confirmed that lawmakers had reached a bipartisan agreement to create an independent committee examining lawmakers’ rhetoric and exactly what happened on  Jan. 9. “We thank Republicans for agreeing on the importance of investigating at least one day in January. There have been reports that the custodial staff waxed the floor that day, and street surveillance footage shows that there was a taco truck with a long line parked around the corner. We might not have gotten everything we wanted with this agreement, but the spirit of bipartisanship is alive and well.” At press time, Schumer added that the commission would also be investigating threats made on social media that could be tied to a Capitol bathroom sink that began leaking on Jan. 9.
Embarrassing Gaffe: ‘Resident Evil Village’ Actually Features More Of A Town Than A Village If You’re Going By The Technical Definition #~# We at OGN were thrilled when Capcom launched the eighth entry in its iconic Resident Evil series in April, and ever since then, we’ve been playing nonstop, probing each mystery and destroying every Lycan that crossed our path. And while it may strive to be a worthy entry in the canon, Resident Evil Village unfortunately fails due to one of the biggest gaffes we’ve seen in ages: namely that it actually features more of a town than a village if you want to get technical about it.
Boyfriend Mainly Kept Around As Deterrent #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Remarking that his mere presence made people think twice about bothering her, local woman Alice Dutton told reporters Wednesday that her boyfriend of three years, Jeff Engert, was primarily kept around as a deterrent. “I really enjoy spending time with Jeff, because whenever we’re together, I don’t get catcalled on the sidewalks or hit on by sleazy men in bars,” said Dutton, adding that while Engert might not be the kind of partner she would want to spend the rest of her life with, having a long-term boyfriend by her side strongly  discouraged family members from asking when she would finally settle down. “Even though he’s not a physically big or tough guy, just having his warm body next to mine makes me feel much safer when I’m walking places at night. Not to mention that with Jeff around, I can usually ward off uncomfortable questions I might ask myself, like ‘Who am I as an individual?’ and ‘What do I want out of life?’” Dutton added that she had considered breaking up with Engert, but keeping him around was also a safeguard against having to live with roommates.
What’s In The Pentagon Report On UFOs #~# Details have begun to leak about an upcoming Pentagon report declassifying government intelligence about unidentified flying objects, which must be released in accordance with a provision of the coronavirus spending bill President Trump signed into law in December 2020. The Onion provides some of the most intriguing details from the upcoming report on UFOs.
U.S. Ambience Protection Agency Fines Restaurant For Destroying Mood With Fluorescent Lighting #~# NEW YORK—Upon concluding the business was in violation of the federal Chill Vibes Act, the U.S. Ambience Protection Agency issued a fine Wednesday to local restaurant Chez Bistro, which regulators said had contributed to the destruction of mood through its extensive reliance on fluorescent lights. “Chez Bistro deliberately installed these intensely bright overhead fixtures, an unlawful act that has caused extensive and perhaps irreversible damage to the ambience of a public dining establishment,” APA lawyer Lindsay Lairmore told reporters, confirming that a $5,000 penalty was imposed for the restaurant’s use of the cylindrical fluorescent bulbs, which reportedly emitted a harsh, overbearing light that cast sharp shadows and made the meals served look completely unappetizing. “This irresponsible lighting scheme, which easily adds 10 years to the faces of restaurant patrons, has completely devastated the nightlife and disrupted the mating habits of those who populate the area. Unable to attract mates in the unforgiving atmosphere, most diners have been forced to migrate to habitats where they can feel less self-conscious about their appearance.” At press time, the APA declared Chez Bistro a possible Superfund site after discovering catastrophic levels of classic-rock radio pouring in through the bathroom speakers.
‘And Most Of All, Thank You For Teaching Us How To Love,’ Conclude Teary-Eyed Afghani Populace Waving Farewell To U.S. Troops #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Running alongside the American Humvees and armored vehicles with their arms overflowing with parting gifts, the teary-eyed Afghani populace waved farewell to U.S. troops Wednesday while thanking them most of all for teaching the country how to love. “Your people brought peace and prosperity to our land over these 20 years, but above all, you taught us how to love with a full heart!” said Abdul-Jawad Usmani, 23, joining the spontaneous parade of Afghani citizens who rushed through the city capital by the millions to thrust pomegranates and handwoven rugs into the outstretched hands of their beloved departing troops. “Take this gem, clutch it close to your chest, and you’ll know we will always be with you. We don’t say goodbye here. We only say farewell. Farewell, my dear friends! You will not be forgotten! Farewell!” At press time, the choked-up citizenry added that they  wished the Americans could have stayed for a 100 year, but knew that the troops must go to other countries to spread their message of peace and joy.
Helpful Speechwriter Lets Audience Know He’s Talking About ‘These United States’ #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to avoid any unnecessary ambiguity, speechwriter James Kessler helpfully let audiences know that he was talking about “these United States,” sources confirmed Wednesday. “I should probably clarify which particular group of united states we’re talking about here,” said Kessler, making a note on his manuscript that the orator should emphasize the word “these” as well as gesturing around him to indicate the United States he was currently standing in. “Even if the crowd isn’t fully getting it at this point, hopefully they’ll be able to use context clues like the phrases ‘our nation,’ ‘this country,’ and ‘the good old U. S. of A’ to figure out what we’re talking about.” At press time, a satisfied Kessler had added the epithet “The Beautiful” after each reference to “America” to ensure the reference would really land.
Grandma Who Supposedly Loves You More Than Anything Can’t Even Be Bothered To Remember Your Name, Age, Job #~# WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Expressing frustration with the matriarch’s feigned affection, local man Andrew Reed was slighted Wednesday by his supposedly loving grandmother, Edna, who couldn’t even be bothered to remember his name, age, or job. “I call bullshit on this whole ‘unconditional love’ thing if you can’t even remember the most basic things about me,” said Reed, noting that his grandmother didn’t even notice when he walked in the room. “We’re putting on this big birthday party for you, and you can’t even lift your head to make eye contact with us. She’s always going on about how much she loves me and that I’m her favorite, but it’s all a front. Get the hell out of here.” At press time, Reed said he was “done with” his grandma when she vomited on herself after seeing a photo of his new girlfriend.
Texas Moves To Ban Words ‘Beef,’ ‘Meat’ From Plant-Based Food Labels #~# Texas state lawmakers have approved a bill prohibiting foods that don’t contain animal products from using words like “meat” or “beef” on their labels in an effort to prevent misleading consumers. What do you think?
Slacker Congressperson Praying He Gets Some Bullshit Committee Assignment Like ‘Climate Crisis’ #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he could probably just sit at the back and dose off without anyone bothering him, slacker congressman Scott Chrysler told reporters Wednesday he was praying to get a bullshit assignment this term, like the House Select Committee on the Climate Crisis. “Are you kidding me? Climate Crisis? That’s a total blow-off assignment for sure,” said Chrysler, adding that while the climate committee was his first choice, he ultimately would be happy with any low-pressure assignment, including Education and Labor or Veterans’ Affairs. “On Climate Crisis, there’s no way you’ll get one of those committee chairs who busts your chops all the time. I won’t have the party whip on my ass, either, because no one in the House leadership will care what goes on in a committee about the environment. Seriously, how many people in Congress even understand how climate change works? I certainly don’t. I bet all you have to do is put out a couple half-assed statements about windmills or whatever. Oh, man, if I get on there, I am gonna cruise through this session!” At press time, Chrysler reportedly let out a groan upon learning he had been assigned to the Armed Services Committee.
Neighborhood Rallies To Designate Pothole As Historic Landmark #~# FENTON, MI—In a bid to protect what many are calling a vital part of the town’s character, a neighborhood in Fenton, MI held a public rally Friday to demand that a decades-old pothole be designated a historic landmark. “Down at City Hall, they’re talking about getting rid of the pothole completely and putting one of those asphalt patches in its place,” said resident Darren Middleton, 44, a local activist fighting to preserve the foot-deep crevice that has occupied a prominent place in the northbound lane of Leroy Street ever since he was a child. “When I turned 16, I learned to drive on that pothole, and so did each of my three kids. It may be a little rough around the edges, but it is a fixture of our community. We want to protect this rich cultural heritage so that our grandchildren and great-grandchildren will also have the experience of hitting the pothole so hard their hubcap pops off and rolls into the parking lot of Little Caesars.” The rally’s organizers added that the city must not be allowed to erase history the way it did in 2015 when it replaced the crumbling concrete supports of the East Street Bridge to prevent it from falling into the lake.
South Carolina Adds Firing Squad As Execution Option #~# A new South Carolina law will force death row inmates to choose between execution by electric chair or firing squad as lawmakers attempt to cope with a shortage of lethal injection drugs. What do you think?
U.S. Military Leaves Scarf In Afghanistan So It Has Excuse To Go Back Later #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Tossing the garment on a piece of rubble so it would look like an honest accident, U.S. military leaders left a scarf behind on their way out of the country Tuesday so they would have an excuse to go back later. “We just want a little reason to pop back in without looking too pathetic,” said General Austin Scott Miller, who noted that the military had used the exact same strategy to great effect in both Korea and Iraq. “We made sure to wear it around so everyone in Afghanistan doesn’t think we were just making this up. But if we show up without an excuse like this down the line, they might start to get suspicious. Now we can just roll up in 2024 like, ‘Have you guys seen our scarf?’ Then they let us back in, and boom! Reoccupied.” At press time, a baffled Miller was searching for another excuse after the Afghan people claimed they had not seen the scarf and immediately hung up on him.
The Surprising History Behind America’s National Parks #~# In 1916, Woodrow Wilson signed the National Parks Service into law, which now spans 30 states and 84 million acres of land. Here is the surprising history behind America’s national parks.
‘Wow, Hope You Had A Nice 17 Years Off,’ Say Annoyed Bugs Left To Torment Humans Without Help Of Cicadas #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—In response to the brood’s reemergence after lying dormant since 2004, several area insects reportedly said, “Wow, hope you had a nice 17 years off,” to a group of periodical cicadas Tuesday, expressing annoyance over being forced during the prolonged absence to torment humans on their own. “You certainly look refreshed—that was some break, huh?” a local mosquito told the cicadas as it called over some ticks, wasps, fire ants, and brown recluse spiders that sources confirmed worked twice as hard to inflict fear and disease upon humans while the cicadas “took their sweet, sweet time doing God knows what” beneath the ground. “Us? Well, we’ve stayed busy flying into people’s eyes and ears, biting everyone, and generally preventing them from enjoying the outdoors. We sure could have used your help, but don’t worry, it’s cool. I mean, it wouldn’t have killed you to pop in a few times over the past 17 years to scare the shit out of some kids by buzzing around in their faces. No worries, though. We covered for you. Oh, I see—now that you’re finally back, you’re just going to lie around and mate? You know what? Fuck you guys.” At press time, reports confirmed the cicadas had agreed to do their part by emitting a deafening, 100-periodical cicadas hum that would ensure no one in eastern Tennessee could sleep for the next four to six weeks.
Possible Lightning Strike Kills 18 Wild Elephants #~# Indian authorities have launched an inquiry after a herd of 18 Asiatic elephants were found dead in Assam, with a preliminary report stating that lightning strikes were a possible cause. What do you think?
‘The Onion’ Calls On Israel To Bomb Our Offices In Case Any Hamas Agents Hiding Out There #~# In recent days, The Onion staff, corporate owners, and advertising partners have watched in horror at the devastation unfolding in the Middle East. As this unceasing cycle of violence continues, we believe it is time for this publication to reckon with its own responsibility as the world’s foremost news media titan whose every word is taken as absolute fact by billions of readers across the globe. It is with this onus in mind that America’s Finest News Source has made the difficult but important decision to call on the IDF to immediately bomb our offices in a targeted airstrike in case any Hamas agents are hiding out there.
NRA Denied Bankruptcy Claim #~# A federal judge has blocked the National Rifle Association from filing for bankruptcy protection, ruling that it was a bad-faith attempt to fend off a lawsuit by the New York attorney general for financial abuses. What do you think?
Heads Up ‘Metroid’ Fans: Oh Man, We Forgot We Signed An NDA, Nevermind #~# Ever since the release of Metroid: Samus Returns in 2017, series diehards have been rabidly awaiting any hint about the next installment in this iconic franchise. Well, Nintendo  fans, you’re going to want to buckle up because—ah shit. Gamers, we’re just remembering we signed an NDA. Let us check the fine print real quick  to see what we can actually say here… 
8th Cat Acquired In Hopes Of Easing Tension Between First 7 Cats #~# MARINA DEL REY, CA—Aiming to reduce the ongoing household conflict, local woman Alice Jordan reportedly acquired an eighth cat Monday in the hopes of easing tensions between the first seven. “Things have been pretty difficult around here, especially since Cupcake and Egg formed their own bloc to fight against the other kitties, but I think this cat will finally allow them all to live harmoniously,” said Jordan, noting that a new kitten should provide a welcome distraction from the long-running hostility between Bagel, Noodles, and Marshmallow. “At the very least, this should stop them all from ganging up on Cheddar and stealing her food. And I know, I know, I thought things would calm down a few months ago once I brought Pretzel in, but I could never have predicted that she’d just be a massive asshole. This time I’m pretty sure I’ve cracked it.” At press time, the new cat had already killed two of Jordan’s pet rabbits.
Israel Returns Occupied Territories To Palestinians After Running Out Of Targets To Hit In Gaza #~# JERUSALEM—Unveiling a new policy to relinquish control of thousands of settlements, Israeli government officials reportedly returned the occupied territories to Palestinians Monday after running out of targets to hit in Gaza. “Effective immediately, we are returning land in the West Bank, Golan Heights, and east Jerusalem to Palestine in order to give our armed forces many more buildings to hit,” said Israel minister of defense Benny Gantz, adding that enough was enough and the smoldering craters of rubble in Gaza no longer offered the Israeli Defense Forces sufficient airstrike objectives. “We will provide any Palestinians previously forced out of their homes in these territories safe passage to return, because we firmly believe these buildings must be re-occupied by Palestinians in order to give our statements that they’re harboring terrorists credibility. Otherwise, we will be forced to mount increased attacks on refugee camps, which isn’t quite as rewarding.” At press time, IDF soldiers had descended into the occupied territories to force Palestinians back into the buildings due to be bombed.
Failed Professional Sports Leagues #~# Heralded as a rougher brand of football, fans quickly lost interest when they realized the brain damage inflicted on players wasn’t any more intense than that done in the NFL.
Tourist Left Dangling After Winds Break Glass Bridge #~# A tourist was temporarily stuck clinging to a 330-foot-high glass suspension bridge in Northeast China when gale-force winds swept away several panels, raising public concern over the safety of other glass bridges and viewing decks. What do you think?
‘This Is What It’s All About, Boys,’ Says Man Hour Away From Complete Meltdown On Sixth Hole #~# NILES, IL—Basking in the majesty of the municipal golf course, local man James Carrol exclaimed, “This is what it’s all about, boys” Monday, just an hour before a complete mental breakdown on the sixth hole. “I’m out on the course with my best boys, drinking beers and listening to jams,” said Carroll, who would soon snap his 7-iron across his knee before tossing it into a neighboring forest preserve. “Blue skies, fresh air, [and shredding my scorecard with my teeth after recording a four-putt triple bogey], we are living the dream. We might even card a few birdies today, who knows? I can’t think of a better way to spend an afternoon.” At press time, Carrol resolved to take “a little mental health break” from the game after receiving a lifetime ban from his home golf course.
Rich Guy Asks Around To Find Out Who The New Jeffrey Epstein Is #~# NEW YORK—Nearly two years after the death of the infamous financier as he awaited trial on charges of trafficking minors for sex, sources confirmed Friday that Manhattan-based rich guy Felix Templeton was asking around to see if anyone could tell him who the new Jeffrey Epstein was. “It’s been a while, so I figure by now someone else must have taken over Jeff’s role in terms of  sourcing and grooming high-end underage prostitutes to offer to friends,” said Templeton, explaining that he had not attended an opulent orgy with 15-year-olds since 2019, when an unattended Epstein died by hanging in his jail cell. “It just made sense to drop a few lines and see if anyone else has been hosting parties at which young teenage girls are available for sex, whether that’s here on the Upper East Side, on a private island in the Caribbean, or wherever. Obviously, Jeff can never truly be replaced, but if you get word of an unapologetic pedophile who ferries powerless young girls to influential men, let me know, would you? I asked around the board room, but it turns out everyone there was hoping I knew someone.” Templeton went on to state that if no one else had taken advantage of the vacancy, he would be both honored and humbled to accept the job and pick up right where Epstein left off.
Ohio Offers $1 Million Lottery To Boost Vaccinations #~# Ohio will award five vaccinated adult residents $1 million each in a bid to address vaccine hesitancy in the state, with those eligible having received at least one dose of the Covid-19 vaccine. What do you think?
Houston Authorities Scramble As Missing Tiger Disappears Into Crowd Of Tigers #~# HOUSTON, TX—Warning that the escaped animal was highly intelligent and a master of deceit, Houston authorities scrambled Friday when a missing tiger named India disappeared into a crowd of tigers. “After four days straight of searching for a loose bengal tiger, our search efforts hit a snag today when he cut across a cul de sac, hid behind a car, and ultimately slipped into a pack of over 100 tigers,” said Houston Police Chief Troy Finner, adding that officers momentarily had visuals on the 9-month old feline and were seconds from shooting him with a tranquilizer gun before he turned around, hissed, and was immediately obscured by several other identical-looking big cats. “While we sent several officers on foot into the streak of tigers, the escaped feline was ultimately able to use his black-and-orange stripes to camouflage himself and sneak away. If anyone has any information on where this dangerous animal could currently be hiding, we urge you to come forward.” At press time, Police Chief Finner announced he had successfully apprehended the tiger and placed it with animal control, only to be informed he had captured the wrong cat. 
The Perfect Combination: ‘Mass Effect Legendary Edition’ Features ‘Mass Effect 1,’ ‘Wario Land 2,’ And ‘Mass Effect 3’ #~# As a remake of some of the most beloved sci-fi RPGs of all time, Mass Effect Legendary Edition drew some healthy skepticism from series fans. The original titles remain timeless examples of western role-playing, making it difficult to imagine a re-release doing anything but  tarnishing their legacy. Thankfully, we’re here to announce that the fine folks over at BioWare knocked it out of the park with a remastered version that will give fans the perfect excuse to go back to the beginning and play all the way through  Mass Effect, Wario Land II, and Mass Effect 3 in one package.
Biden Outlines Renewable Energy Plan To Invade Mt. Olympus And Steal Aeolus’ Bag Of Wind #~# WASHINGTON—Pledging to finally end America’s reliance on fossil fuels, Biden held a press conference Friday to outline the centerpiece of his renewable energy plan to invade Mt. Olympus and steal the mythic bag of wind from the God Aeolus. “We know that climate change is real, and we must combat this existential threat by raiding the home of the ancient Gods and stealing their magical treasures,” said Biden, explaining that the fabled ox-hide bag containing the winds Boreas, Notos, and Euros would be able to power many of the administration’s proposed green energy projects. “This is only the beginning of our ambitious climate agenda, which also includes investments in solar panels jumpstarted by pilfering Helios’ golden chariot as well as exploring the feasibility of geothermal energy if we’re successfully able to kidnap Hephestus.” At press time, Biden’s energy plan had run into a snag after a crew of offshore wind farm technicians had been transformed into swine by an island sorceress. 
Young Mare Can’t Believe Stallion She Slept With Lied To Her About Being 5-2 Favorite In Preakness Stakes #~# BALTIMORE—Cursing herself out for ever having been so gullible, local mare Persephone couldn’t believe the stallion she slept with Friday had lied to her about being a 5-2 betting odds favorite in the Preakness Stakes. “That son of a bitch wasn’t even in the race,” said the young thoroughbred, who shook her head at a picture of the stallion posing with Kentucky Derby-winning jockey John Velazquez. “I should have known better ’cause Medina Spirit didn’t even get odds that good. He told me he could get seats at the starting line, but he isn’t even here. I didn’t even stop to question what a championship horse would be doing at a farm like mine.” At press time, the young mare admitted that she began to question the stallion’s racing credentials when he looked winded after sex.
‘Oh My God, Is That Seriously What My Voice Sounds Like?’ Says Humiliated J. Cole After Listening To New Album #~# FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Wondering if it was too late to cancel the album rollout, a visibly humiliated J. Cole listened to The Off-Season Friday and asked, “Oh my God, is that seriously what my voice sounds like?” “I can’t believe y’all let me record a whole project without telling me to fix this,” said Cole, who assumed his voice sounded “at least” two octaves lower, asking his sound engineers if they could apply effects to alter it. “Is this what people think I sound like? It’s just way more nasally than I thought. Jesus, I’m basically whining my way through all these tracks. I sent a few of these to Jay-Z. He’s gonna think I’m an asshole. Why didn’t I add a few features to break this up?” At press time, J.Cole was panicking after realizing that his production on the album was off-key.
Jordan’s Game-Used Tongue Sold For $1.38 Million At Auction #~# DURHAM, NC—Scooped up after a bidding war by a die-hard  fan who intends to display it in his private residence, Michael Jordan’s game-used tongue sold for 1.38 million dollars at auction Friday. “We’re talking about a piece of basketball history that was an iconic part of Michael Jordan’s six championships,” said auctioneer Sonny Berkshire, who noted the tongue would have fetched an even higher price tag if it were kept in a smoke-free home. “The iconic photos of Jordan sticking out his tongue didn’t just resonate with NBA fans, but with the larger pop culture. While the tongue had been circulating in the black market—some believe it had pawned off to pay a gambling debt—it’s thankfully been recovered and restored to like-new condition.” In a related event, Dikembe Mutombo’s game-used index finger had sold for a record 5 million dollars.
History Of U.S. Politicians Being Punished By Their Own Party #~# On Wednesday, Republican representatives voted to strip Rep. Liz Cheney of her leadership position within the party’s House delegation, a move that represents a significant step by a political party that has precedents in U.S. history. The Onion looks back at the history of U.S. politicians being punished by their own political party.
Doctor Watches In Horror As Polyp Skitters In Front Of Colonoscopy Camera Just As Screen Goes Black #~# BALTIMORE—Slowly zooming in on the precancerous growth while it hissed and screeched, local gastroenterologist Gary Weiss reportedly watched in horror Friday as a polyp skittered in front of the colonoscopy camera just as the screen went black. “What in God’s name? That can’t be possible,” Weiss said to his medical team as he slowly pushed back from the blank monitor, the terror on his face visible even before a large nodular bulge appeared on the patient’s abdomen and began to pulsate, emitting a piercing, otherworldly whine. “No...no, no, no, no, no! Get the scope back on, stat! I need a visual on that adenoma! Damn it, this thing is multiplying faster than any tumor I’ve ever seen, and if it turns malignant, then it’s game over. Not just for the patient, do you understand? For you, me, and every living, breathing organism in this city.” At press time, reports confirmed Weiss had slammed an emergency button on the side of the examination table, grabbed a flamethrower from a nearby locker, and instructed his team to “Run. Run for your lives.”
Rock & Rock Hall Of Fame Announces 2021 Inductees #~# JAY-Z, the Go-Go’s, and Tina Turner are among this year’s Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductees, the most diverse lineup in the organization’s history. What do you think?
Taco Bell Employee Has Had Far Greater Positive Impact On People’s Lives Than Firefighter Ever Could #~# CHICAGO—Lauding the 22-year-old for her commitment to serving her community, sources confirmed Friday that local Taco Bell employee Nicole Cortez has had a far greater positive impact on people’s lives than any firefighter ever could. “Sure, there are plenty of firefighters who have rushed into a burning building to save a child, but that service pales in comparison to that of the woman whose Baja Blasts and Crunchwrap Supremes has brought smiles to thousands,” said Gail J. McGovern, president of the American Red Cross, who issued a statement announcing that Cortez would be honored in a ceremony at the organization’s headquarters in Washington D.C. in recognition of her outstanding tenacity, strength, and courage, all of which outshone the average employee of a local fire department. “Over the span of her 3-year career, Nicole has never failed to stuff generous handfuls of hot sauce packets into the bottom of a customer’s bag. That’s far more consequential than a firefighter preventing a home from going up in flames. She works night and day, ready to answer the call in the event a car enters the 24-hour drive-through window. It’s often a thankless job, but she’s a true hero.” At press time, community members were grieving after reports Cortez had perished due to smoke inhalation from a burning burrito.
‘We’re So Screwed,’ Says Detroit Lions Fan After Seeing They Got Matched Up Against Other Teams Again #~# DETROIT—Dashing any hope he had for the upcoming season, Lions fan Paul Benson told reporters Thursday that Detroit was “so screwed” after seeing they got matched up against other teams again. “Ah, shit, this season is gonna suck,” said Benson upon realizing that the Lions would face other NFL teams multiple weeks in a row, decrying how unfair it was they had to repeatedly go head-to-head with professional football franchises.“It’s back-to-back-to-back-to-back games, and for half of them, we have to go play in a whole different city. What the hell? In the first four weeks, we play teams that have won the Super Bowl. The NFL is always fucking screwing us like this—it’s bullshit!” At press time, Benson told reporters that he was looking forward to the bye week.
Kevin Durant Spends All Day Feuding With Own Burner Account #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Spinning into a days-long spat that caused the Nets forward to miss practice, league sources confirmed Kevin Durant spent all day Thursday feuding with his own burner account on social media. “At first, KD just wanted to tell his burner why he left the Warriors, but things got pretty ugly,” said Nets beat writer Alex Schiffer, who shared screenshots of the exchange where Durant invited the burner account to meet him outside a local Duane Reade. “The burner account blocked Durant for a few hours, and then jumped back in to tell him he’s a fraud. You could clearly see Durant sending messages from the bench during the Spurs game. Some threats of violence were made, so Twitter suspended Durant’s account for a while.” At press time, Durant issued a solemn apology to his fans from the burner account. 
GOP Removes Liz Cheney From Leadership Post #~# House Republicans voted to remove Rep. Liz Cheney as GOP conference chair over her opposition of former president Trump and not supporting his false claims about the presidential election being stolen. What do you think?
No One At Laser Tag Prepared For How Hard Dad Was Going To Bring It #~# FRAMINGHAM, MA—Reeling with surprise as the 45-year-old dove behind cover and shouted out commands to his teammates, guests at local child Chase Williamson’s laser tag birthday party confirmed Thursday that they were not prepared for how hard his dad, Larry, was going to bring it. “I figured he was just going out to be a good sport and make Chase happy, but the second the starter buzzed, he charged out there like a man possessed,” said Chase’s older cousin Alex, who recounted seeing his uncle lure one 11-year-old into a trap with a feint before essentially executing him from behind. “He is normally so zoned out during these things, but he just went off with this wild look in his eye. I honestly had no idea he was so fast. When he was pushing kids out to flank my aunt, she seemed genuinely scared, but there was no mercy. I kinda don’t wanna go back out there again.” At press time, a dispassionate Williamson was silently eating a hot dog while watching his son open birthday presents.
Man Unaware Israel-Palestine Opinion Retained Verbatim From 1997 Beauty Pageant Contestant’s Answer #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Engaged in a heated discussion with friends Thursday, local man Evan Staub was reportedly unaware that the long-held opinion he was voicing about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict had been retained verbatim from a 1997 Miss America contestant’s answer to a pageant interview question. “Sadly, there’s been quite a bit of unrest in that part of the world, and it’s gone on for far too long,” Staub said over beers at the Hilltop Tavern, sounding confident and appearing oblivious to the fact that he was speaking the exact same words used by Shani Nielsen, 1997’s Miss Indiana, when she was asked about bringing peace to the Middle East—her response having remained fully intact within his unconscious for more than 20 years. “I believe the two sides need to come together and learn to understand each other, because at the end of the day, we’re all human beings. We all must find a way to get along, and when we disagree, it’s important to sit down and work things out—not just by talking, but by listening. And while it may seem like a small thing, I also believe that if everyone smiled more, the world would be a better place.” At press time, reports confirmed Staub had launched into a rendition of “In His Eyes” from the Broadway musical Jekyll & Hide, the same song Nielsen performed for the 1997 pageant’s talent competition.
Dr. Fauci: ‘There’s No Longer A Need For Statues To Wear Masks Outside’ #~# WASHINGTON—Clarifying newly relaxed CDC guidelines, White House medical advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters Thursday that there was no longer a need for statues to wear masks outside. “The science has shown that the virus does not spread easily outdoors, so if you are a concrete statue standing at the center of a fountain or a bronze cast of a historical figure in the park, feel free to go ahead and discard that mask,” said Fauci, who confirmed that the guidelines applied to all statues regardless of age, whether they were a copper ring of young school children holding hands and dancing or an ancient Greek terracotta figure. “It’s perfectly safe to have your mask off outdoors. But if you’re gathered indoors with other statues—for example, if you’re at a museum as part of a collection of marble Renaissance sculptures or one of many elegant busts adorning the top of a fireplace mantel—we ask that you keep your mask on.” At press time, Dr. Fauci added that regardless of whether they were indoors or outdoors, all mannequins should continue to wear masks until they became eligible for vaccination.
DSM-5 Finally Stops Classifying Adult Disney Fandom As Form Of Psychopathy #~# ARLINGTON, VA—In a long-overdue move to help modernize clinical practices, the American Psychological Association announced Thursday plans to update their Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to stop classifying adult Disney fandom as a form of psychopathy. “For decades, theses guidelines have resulted in grown Americans being branded as deviants and outcasts merely for loving the Disney enough to own multiple T-shirts featuring Mickey, Goofy, or Donald Duck,” said APA Director Jennifer F. Kelly, noting that while an individual must have neurodivergent qualities to not feel a deep feeling of shame while belting out the chorus of “Let It Go” from Frozen, this alone was not a reason to stigmatize those with Adult-Onset Disney Fanaticism. “Admittedly, a mentally healthy adult should experience a pervasive sense of self-loathing after revealing they spent their vacation at Disney World despite not having children of their own. That goes double if they were to post a selfie of themselves wearing Minnie Mouse ears in front of Cinderella’s Castle. Nonetheless, we hope this change ushers in an era of tolerance among friends and coworkers for those suffering from this severe, debilitating condition.” Kelly added that the APA would also immediately cease recommending chemical castration for adults over the age of fourteen who have seen all the films of Pixar.
The Most Infamous Crimes In Every State #~# The Onion takes a look back at some of the most notorious, heinous, and downright idiotic crimes committed in all 50 states of America. 
Sally Beauty Introduces New Press-On Hangnails #~# DENTON, TX—Unveiling a first-of-its-kind product that will soon be available at its more than 5,000 international locations, cosmetic retailer and distributor Sally Beauty announced Thursday it had launched a new line of press-on hangnails. “Real hangnails can take days or even weeks to form, but now you don’t have to wait to experience the chic look of a torn, loose flap of finger skin,” said CEO Christian Brickman, who touted Sally Beauty’s latest offering as a fast and easy way for consumers to achieve an anxious, nail-bitten style without having to develop a chronic nervous habit or go through the trouble of a botched home manicure. “Our press-on hangnails are designed to last, staying stubbornly put no matter how much you chew, claw, or yank at them. They are virtually indistinguishable from naturally ravaged cuticles and will accentuate your fingers’ swollen, puffy redness for an overall statement that suggests mild self-harm. Best of all, they hurt just as bad as the real thing.” Brickman added that each press-on hangnail came with a dozen packets of infected pus that could be applied in and around the inflamed skin to complete the look.
First Genetically Modified Mosquitoes Released In U.S. #~# Genetically modified mosquitoes have been released for the first time in the U.S. as part of a pilot program in the Florida Keys to reduce the spread of deadly diseases like dengue, yellow fever, and Zika virus. What do you think?
Historians Confirm Lewis And Clark Set Out On Expedition To Justify Purchase Of Expensive Camping Equipment #~# PRINCETON, NJ—Dispelling long-held notions that the trip was conducted to map newly acquired U.S. territory in the West,  Princeton University historians confirmed Thursday that Meriwether Lewis and William Clark set out on their legendary expedition mainly to justify the purchase of a lot of expensive camping equipment. “While many assume they sought to establish a trade route to the Pacific Northwest, recently unearthed journal entries suggest Lewis and Clark had spent a small fortune at a St. Louis outfitter in 1803 and felt foolish not getting any use out of the fancy new gear,” said Professor Burt Trehorn, adding that the items purchased included a set of hand-carved mahogany trekking poles, fine calf-leather boots, and sterling silver canteens, all of which were sold at a premium and would have been extravagant purchases outside the budget of the famed duo. “Their journey had less to do with the Louisiana Purchase than it did with the fact that they wanted to rationalize their impulsive purchases of hardtack, tallow, and salt pork, which were sitting on a shelf and going to waste. You can imagine how, if you had just blown the equivalent of $80,000 in today’s money on a keelboat you didn’t need, you too might feel stupid not taking it out on the river.” Trehorn went on to add that in 1806, after returning from their trip to the Pacific Coast, the pair finally acknowledged they did not enjoy nature or the outdoors and sold all their equipment at a steep loss to local Native Americans.
Ellen Announces To Bound-And-Gagged Staff That She Ending Them #~# LOS ANGELES—Noting that it had been a difficult but ultimately rewarding decision, Ellen DeGeneres announced to her bound-and-gagged staff Wednesday that she had officially made plans to end them. “These past two decades have been so satisfying, but now it’s finally time to move on from your mortal bodies,” said DeGeneres, praising her longtime writers and producers for all they had been able to accomplish before ultimately expiring in a locked cell that was slowly filling with noxious chemicals. “We all knew this couldn’t last forever, and it’s safe to say that your lives have run their course at this point. Of course, no matter what my next project is, I’ll never forget that you were the fine folks who first helped me develop my insatiable bloodlust, and I hope you’ll remember me as you’re writhing in agony.” At press time, DeGeneres had won over audiences yet again by doing a wacky dance on her staffers’ corpses. 
Long-Time Employee Will Always Be Remembered For Sticking Around Too Long #~# CHICAGO—Fondly reminiscing on the decades he’d spent wasting away at the same thankless job, employees at Venture Manufacturing told reporters Wednesday that their departing longtime coworker Dale Tabak would always be remembered for sticking around far too long. “While we’re sad to see Dale go, we’ll never forget how he dedicated himself to this business and overstayed his welcome here by five, 10—God, probably 15 years,” said current supervisor Robert Iles, adding that everyone would deeply miss the workplace veteran and his stories about old colleagues, bosses, and CEOs who moved on from the company years ago, something Tabak really ought to have done himself. “I know that when I got here, Dale was the first to welcome me with open arms, and even though we’d just met, I could already tell this was a person who had let his early talents atrophy and then deteriorated into a ghost of his former self. There was something almost charming in his stubborn, old-school ways, and his total inability to adapt to any changes in his workflow after 2010 or so. When you look at his capacity for coasting off the general goodwill of his fellow employees, and for ignoring every single hint that it might be time to look for work elsewhere—well, let’s just say we’re not likely to see his kind again.” As they toasted his future, Tabak’s soon-to-be-former coworkers said they hoped that wherever he ended up, the 51-year-old would be able to keep a low profile, stay out of everyone’s way, and stick it out until retirement. 
Palestinian Family Who Lost Home In Airstrike Takes Comfort In Knowing This All Very Complicated #~# GAZA, PALESTINE—Attempting to find some solace in an otherwise trying situation, the Al-Natshehs, a Palestinian family who lost their home in an airstrike, took comfort Wednesday in knowing that this was all very complicated. “You know, having your longtime family home demolished by an Israeli missile is a tough pill to swallow, but at the end of the day, you gotta realize there’s two sides to every story,” said Rabia Al-Natsheh, the matriarch of the family, adding that, despite the fact that her 5-year-old son was killed in the attack while her husband suffered third-degree burns, she ultimately found peace of mind in knowing that it’s a very nuanced issue that can be pretty complex when you look at it. “Sure, we have experienced incredible hardship and been forced to the brink of destitution, but then again, it’s not a black-and-white thing. It’s honestly a relief knowing that the loss of our home is simply a part of a long, inscrutable series of events, the root causes of which are too difficult for anyone to objectively assess.” Al-Natsheh added that she was grateful to have plenty of time to read multiple different perspectives on the subject at her new refugee camp.
Tom Cruise Returns Golden Globes In Protest #~# Tom Cruise has returned his three Golden Globe awards for Jerry Maguire, Magnolia, and Born On The Fourth Of July, in protest of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s lack of diversity and questionable ethics. What do you think?
What To Know About Bill And Melinda Gates’ Divorce #~# Billionaire Microsoft founder Bill Gates and his wife, Melinda, announced they are filing for divorce, a move that has widespread effects on everything from the stock market to U.S. philanthropy. The Onion answers the most important questions about Bill and Melinda Gates’ divorce.
Parents Can’t Believe How Bad Daughter Is At Being Raised By Them #~# CALDWELL, ID—Frustrated by her complete lack of initiative in developing their relationship, the parents of local teenager Sophia Miller, 14, expressed bewilderment Wednesday at how bad their daughter was at being raised by them. “It’s frustrating, we care, but she just isn’t putting any effort into being loved by us at all,” said father Russel, who claimed that Sophia has neglected her duties to instill a strong work ethic in herself and encourage herself to pursue enriching hobbies. “Even when she was a baby she would just lie there, no interest at all in meeting us halfway. She’s distant, we’ll come home in a miserable mood and she won’t even bother to ask us what’s wrong. But if she is not going to show any interest in being nurtured by us, I don’t know what we can do.” At press time, the Millers were considering sending Sophia to a therapist to address the terrible, unhealthy diet she has been eating at each family dinner.
Woman Gives Birth To 9 Babies #~# A 25-year-old Malian woman has given birth to nine babies in Morocco after only expecting seven, in what could set a new world record. What do you think?
Nation Wondering When Steve Jobs Coming Back #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting they had grown to really miss the tech entrepreneur over the past decade, the nation wondered Wednesday when Apple co-founder Steve Jobs was coming back. “Basically, we’re just curious about when Steve Jobs might make a reappearance,” said Evan Fiennes, 43, one of nearly 330 million Americans who waxed nostalgic on Jobs’s black turtlenecks and penchant for introducing technological marvels. “I mean, Tim Cook is fine, but we thought he’d only last six months or a year. At this point, we’d prefer if Steve Jobs just came back. You remember him, right? He had the iPod and the iMac? And maybe he did the iPad, too. Then suddenly—poof—he’s gone. Well, anyway, just let us know if you hear about when he’s returning.” The nation added that, come to think of it, they also wouldn’t mind an update on when Jerry Stiller might pop up again, as well.
New Program Encourages Americans To Get Vaccine To Prevent It From Going To Foreigners #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address persistent  hesitancy  about being inoculated, the White House announced a new campaign Wednesday encouraging Americans to get a vaccine to prevent it from going to foreigners. “What we’re hoping Americans understand is that every shot they receive for the coronavirus not only protects them, but also ensures that an impoverished man or woman in another country will be that much further away from getting their own protection,” said White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki, describing the nationwide campaign of TV spots, magazine ads, and billboards depicting a broadly smiling American receiving their shot contrasted against a openly weeping person from India or Kenya. “We’ve found that many Americans might not get a vaccine for their family or community, but they absolutely will if it means, say, a Paraguayan man has to watch his Covid-ravaged grandfather expire from an acute respiratory illness. Frankly, we just wish we’d stumbled on this strategy earlier.” At press time, the White House proudly announced that vaccine hesitancy had dropped 87% moments after launching the campaign.
Japan Ambassador Rahm Emanuel Asks New Hosts For Best Black Site Recommendations #~# TOKYO—Saying that he had done his own research but wanted to get a real local’s point of view, newly appointed U.S. ambassador to Japan Rahm Emanuel reportedly asked his hosts Tuesday to recommend the best black sites to visit. “So, if I’m hanging out by the American embassy in Tokyo, where are the best places I can go and spend the afternoon watching interrogators coerce confessions out of prisoners in a CIA holding cell,” said Emanuel, while also reminding his guides that he had high standards for clandestine detainment centers, especially after being the mayor of Chicago. “Hey, I’m in a new country, with a new job, and I figure, what’s a better way to get to know the locals than to go straight to a state-sanctioned secret prison or two? And don’t send me to any of those lame underground bunkers you just take the new politicians on their welcome tours. I want to get down and dirty, maybe even torture someone myself.” At press time, Emanuel shocked his hosts by rattling off the names of several black sites they had never even heard of, and handing them classified papers on each of the detainees he wanted to meet.
Hackers Shut Down Major U.S. Fuel Pipeline #~# According to authorities, hacker group DarkSide is responsible for the ransomware attack that shut down one of the country’s largest fuel pipelines, an event that highlights the vulnerabilities in the country’s aging infrastructure. What do you think?
Great Clips Introduces New Buy One, Get One To Fix Haircut They Fucked Up #~# BLOOMINGTON, MN—Inviting customers to update their look with the season’s latest hack jobs, Great Clips introduced a new special Tuesday offering a buy one, get one to fix the haircut they fucked up. “All Great Clips customers can now receive a second haircut at no extra cost after taking a look in the mirror and realizing you’re too damn embarrassed to go outside,” said CEO Steve Hockett, who explained that customers had the option to redeem their second free cut either after one week of desperately trying to hide their new butchered look underneath a hat or scarf. “Plus, it comes with a free consolation, in which one of our stylists while pat you on the back while you scream about how fucking stupid you look with one side of your hair three inches shorter than the other. There’s nothing more important than making our customers unhappy.” At press time, Hockett added that as there was only so much they could do to correct their poor handiwork, the second haircut would be buzzing everything off with an electric razor. 
A Moral Quandary: The Government Has Developed A Serum That Can Cure Gaming And They’re Demanding All Gamers Take It #~# There’s no other way to say it, gamers: Today we stand at a crossroads. The U.S. government has just announced that it  developed a serum capable of curing gaming without any adverse side effects, and they are demanding all gamers take it.
Famous Authors Describe Their Biggest Rejections #~# Your favorite writers may seem like literary gods now, but at one time, they were just struggling, starving artists looking for their big break. The Onion asked several famous authors to describe their biggest rejections, and this is what they said.
U.S. Adds Far Fewer Jobs Than Expected In April #~# The U.S. economy added only 266,000 of the 1 million jobs economists forecasted for April, causing concern that the economic recovery is slowing despite the vaccine rollout and businesses reopening. What do you think?
New Evidence Finds God Destroyed Sodom And Gomorrah As Part Of Luxury Condominium Development Deal #~# BAB EDH-DHRA, JORDAN—Upending long-held theological notions about how the famous biblical cities met their end, new evidence presented by a team of archaeologists Tuesday indicates that God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah to make way for a luxury condo development. “Despite scriptural claims that these ill-fated cities were punished for their sinfulness, it appears their obliteration was actually phase one of a plan to replace their older housing stock with brand-new condominium apartments that featured roof decks, indoor and outdoor pools, and onsite fitness centers,” said Ricardo Rosales, who led the excavation of sites where scholars believe Sodom and Gomorrah might have been located, explaining that ancient building plans suggest fire and brimstone raining from the sky were merely a demolition technique used by the Almighty to clear the way for opulent high-rises overlooking the Dead Sea. “While anger over debauchery and illicit sex might have played some small role in God’s decision, it also had a lot to do with His desire to better leverage property assets with a product that appealed to a more affluent clientele. Indeed, it appears the goal of razing the two cities was not to purge the fornicators, but rather to purge the low-income residents who were making it difficult to attract outside investment.” Rosales added that the erroneous story found in religious texts might derive from the fact that, years later, God was forced to smite the luxury condominium residents due to their rampant, widespread practice of bestiality.
Woman Suddenly Realizes She Same Age Parents Were When They Were Her Age #~# ATLANTA—Noting the event had caused her to rethink the chronology of her entire life, local woman Jessica Landis told reporters Tuesday that she suddenly realized she was the same age her parents were when they were her age. “It’s just crazy, I’m turning 27 next month, which is the same exact point in my parents’ lives when they were also 27,” said Landis, adding that while she didn’t feel particularly old, at that phase in their lives, her mother and father had already lived over two and a half decades. “I just can’t believe it. When my parents were 27, they were 27. And now I’m 27, and I’m also 27. How can this be possible? It’s not like I’m behind for my age, but it’s just so weird thinking about how they lived all those years, and I’m at that point in my life now.” Landis went on to say that she hoped by the time she was 35, she’d be all caught up to how old her parents were when they were 35.
The Legend Grows: Onion Sports’ Coverage Of Tim Tebow #~# Full article.
Conservatives Panicking After Every Member Of Republican Party Ousted For Insufficient Loyalty To Trump #~# WASHINGTON—With GOP membership rolls completely empty, leading conservatives reportedly began to panic Monday after every single American who identifies as a Republican was ousted from the party for showing insufficient loyalty to former President Donald Trump. “It’s terrifying, because we’ve suddenly realized the conservative movement may be in danger now that all Republicans serving at the federal, state, and local levels have been expelled for failing to demonstrate enough devotion to the 45th president,” said former House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy who, before his own removal from the party, had himself stripped Reps. Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene of membership for displaying inadequate zeal for Trump’s leadership, intellect, bravery, and moral conviction. “Look, Mitt Romney and Adam Kinzinger had to be driven from the ranks after the amount of criticism they’ve levied against Mr. Trump. But by the time we started purging Michael Flynn, Giuliani, and Don Jr., it occurred to me there was a chance this whole thing could backfire. We may have trouble retaking Congress in 2022 if there are no longer any Republican candidates to run for office, or any Republican voters to cast ballots for them. We may need to walk this back a little.” At press time, top Trump aides confirmed the former president was furious after being ousted from the GOP for experiencing a fleeting moment of self-doubt.
Kentucky Derby Winner Fails Drug Test #~# The team behind this year’s Kentucky Derby winner, Medina Spirit, stands to lose their $1.86 million prize after the horse failed a post-race drug test for steroids. What do you think?
White House Aides Frantically Demand Major Biden Drop Hellfire Missile From Mouth #~# WASHINGTON— Chasing the canine around the Rose Garden as he refused to let go of the warhead, frantic White House aides were reportedly demanding Monday that Major Biden drop a Hellfire missile he was carrying in his mouth. “Drop it, Major! Drop it now!” said a sweating, out-of-breath Bruce Reed, White House deputy chief of staff, trying to wrangle the high-explosive, anti-tank missile out of the German shepherd’s jaws as it shook its head, growled, and further sunk its teeth into the armament’s casing. “You’re being a very bad boy right now. Come on, why won’t you drop it?! I’ll give you a treat!” After finally getting Major to release the projectile, the White House sadly determined the Hellfire missile was too chewed-up and drool-covered to sell to Israel.
The Onion Looks Back At The Life And Legacy Of First Dog Bo Obama #~# Full article.
Conservatives Criticize Local Preschool For Silencing Right-Wing Animal Voices #~# NEW YORK—Accusing educators of brainwashing children with a liberal agenda of barnyard sounds, conservative pundits criticized local preschool Butler Academy Monday for silencing right-wing animal voices. “Every day, our children get sent to schools just like this, and are brainwashed by antifa teachers who believe that cows, chickens, and pigs only speak one way,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), who held up a picture book, flipped through the pages, and demanded to know why there wasn’t a single conservative “moo,” “baa,” or “oink” to be found. “All I see here is a bunch of chickens who are clearly part of the East Coast elite, clucking and teaching our children that the only way to make farm noises is to go to Harvard. Well, to that I say this is how real American animals talk: cock-a-doodle-doo.” At press time, conservative pundits had called a teacher from the preschool in order to shame her for only teaching left-wing shapes.
Amber Alert Freaks Out Abducted 3-Year-Old Napping In Backseat #~#  
Take A Virtual Tour Of The Met With ‘The Onion’ #~# Ever wanted to see the world renowned Metropolitan Museum of Art but not pay any money? Click through and join The Onion on a digital tour, where you’ll get everything from the live experience, plus much less.
Ruffles Announces Decision To End Product So Snack Can Go Out On Top #~# PLANO, TX—Calling the decision “the best move for all involved,” Ruffles announced at a press conference Monday that they were ending their product so the snack could go out on top. “We have no doubt that fans will miss our awesome, tasty crunch, but we’ve decided to end things on our terms,” said the  ridged potato chips, confirming reports that the popular snack brand would be ceasing production after a seven-decade run. “We have a perfect streak of killing it at every party we’re at, so why not leave at the top of our game? We knew this crazy ride couldn’t last forever, and we’d rather live on as a cherished memory enjoyed by millions than overstay our welcome. After all, look what happened to Chex Mix. Is it better to burn bright or fade away?” At press time, a tearful Ruffles choked up while acknowledging the support of longtime snackers.
Man Accepts He Will Never Look Sharper Than When He Dressed As Secret Agent For 3rd-Grade Halloween Party #~# PALMERTON, PA—Bemoaning that he had never gotten his hair to look quite that good again, local man Devin Levine told reporters Monday he had started to accept that he would never look sharper than he did when dressed as a secret agent for his class Halloween party in third grade. “Man, that suit fit me perfectly, and even my teacher, Ms. Weaver, commented on how handsome I looked,” said the 33-year-old data management specialist, who admitted he had never again felt as confident as he did when putting on children’s sunglasses, running a wet comb through his hair, and striding into Towamensing Elementary School. “I was just crushing it that day. It’s certainly the one time in my life I’ve pulled off dark shades without looking like a jackass. Plus, my dad tied my tie for me and made it look perfect. When I wear one now, I still can’t get my knots to look that good. A couple years back, I tried to bring my A-game at my sister’s wedding, but nobody even complimented me on my new suit, let alone told me I looked cool. I really think I peaked while holding up that finger gun in o­ur class photo 25 years ago.” At press time, Levine was reportedly standing in front of a mirror with a comb and a picture of himself at age 8 in which he was pretending to talk into his wristwatch while holding a large plastic jack-o’-lantern.
Belgian Farmer Accidentally Moves French Border #~# A Belgian farmer inadvertently redrew his country’s border with France by moving a 200-year-old stone border marker into French territory to create a path for his tractor, which gave Belgium an extra 1,000 square meters. What do you think?
Federal Judge Strikes Down Eviction Moratorium #~# A federal judge struck down the CDC’s national eviction moratorium established last year to aid those facing economic hardship due to the COVID-19 pandemic, calling it an overreach of power in a ruling that potentially risks millions of Americans losing their homes. What do you think?
Gasping, Out-Of-Shape Olympians Beg IOC To Postpone Games #~# LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—Gearing up for the Tokyo Games after a yearlong delay due to Covid-19, a group of gasping, out-of-shape athletes representing a variety of different sports reportedly pleaded with the International Olympic Committee Friday to postpone the event for another summer or two. “Please, esteemed committee members, as you know, everyone was stuck at home this past year, and it was hard to stay active, let alone in peak shape,” said the panting, beer-bellied diver David Boudia, a four-time Olympic medalist who spoke at IOC headquarters on behalf of the several dozen runners, swimmers, and gymnasts doubled over behind him. “We athletes would really appreciate it if you’d consider delaying—hang on. Christ, that was a lot of stairs. Just give me a minute. Okay. As I was saying, the effect of so much time on the couch during those lockdowns kind of snuck up on us. We were in top condition and ready to go last year, but…speaking of couches, do you mind if we sit down? A lifestyle of rigorous training, diet, and exercise was impossible to maintain with gym closures and stay-at-home orders. Just give us another year or so, and we’ll be back in top form. But for the moment, holy shit, could I just get a glass of water? I’m about to pass out.” At press time, the athletes and the IOC announced they had reached a satisfactory compromise wherein, for this year only, steroid use would be allowed and encouraged.
Woman Hoping For Quiet Mother’s Day Doesn’t Want Any Kids This Year #~# AUSTIN, TX—In an attempt to keep the occasion low-key, local woman Amanda Suleman told reporters Friday that she was hoping for a quiet Mother’s Day and did not want any kids this year. “I realize it’s tradition to have children for Mother’s Day, but I really don’t need or want any,” said Suleman, adding that while dinner at a restaurant with lots of children might be fun for some people, she would rather be able to spend the day relaxing at home. “I find these celebrations are more enjoyable when everyone isn’t stressing out about getting a really nice or thoughtful child. And I honestly don’t need anyone to go and give me a bunch of kids—or even one kid, for that matter. Besides, isn’t Mother’s Day just a holiday they made up so people would spend a bunch of money by getting kids?” Suleman went on to remark that the children she had last year just ended up sitting in the back of her closet gathering dust anyways.
Mother Assures Daughter It Perfectly Natural To Spray Geyser Of Period Blood All Over Classroom #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Stressing that the powerful jet of red fluid emitting from her genitals was nothing to be embarrassed about, local mother Stephanie Reese assured her daughter Friday that it was perfectly natural to spray a geyser of period blood all over the classroom. “Honey, I know it can feel so humiliating the first time your period shoots out of you, knocking you backwards 30 feet and spraying everyone in the classroom with gallons upon gallons of blood, but it happens to everyone, I promise,” said Reese, adding that if anyone had a problem with it, they should just “grow up.” “I remember when I was your age and I was in gym class, and suddenly, 300 psi worth of menstrual blood came spewing out of me like a fire hose, sending me and everyone around me slipping and sliding every which way. Honestly, I feel like if we could openly talk about how sometimes heavy periods can blast a hole through a 9-inch-thick concrete wall, the whole thing would be less taboo.” At press time, Reese handed her daughter her first tampon, but told her to be careful not to let the pressure build up too much or else she would explode.
Pros And Cons Of Banning Trump From Social Media Platforms #~# Facebook recently upheld a ban on former President Donald Trump from its platform, adding to his previous post-presidency ban from Twitter, prompting debate between proponents and critics of the decision. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of banning Trump from popular social media platforms.
Experts Say Best Depression Treatment Remains Having Coal-Covered Street Urchins Sing About Dancing Troubles Away #~# NEW YORK—Adding to a growing body of evidence in support of the approach, Columbia University psychiatrists published research Friday that confirmed listening to coal-covered street urchins sing a song about dancing your troubles away was still the best treatment for clinical depression. “In 90% of cases, the most successful intervention for major depressive disorder was having a young ragamuffin tap the subject on the shoulder and say, ‘Hold on, guv’nah—’ow is it you got a frown on this most splendiferous of days?’” said lead researcher Alfred Evans, describing how the moods of severely depressed individuals improved when a gang of dirt-caked, hardscrabble chimney sweeps and newsboys appeared one by one from nearby alleyways and started into a high-spirited, irresistible song-and-dance number. “Even the worst-off patients, those who exhibit no response to antidepressants or talk therapy, experienced decreased symptoms after exposure to the sprightly steps and carefree ditties of a chorus made up of 5- to 10-year-old orphans with names like Skimble Flintwich, Humsy Wumsy, and Lil’ Tom Wopsle. People who have suffered for decades from a sense of inherent worthlessness not only smiled as these impish ruffians in knee pants and suspenders performed a choreographed routine with their horsehair brooms, but actually joined in for the  final rousing chorus of a tune called ‘Chin Up The Livelong Day!’ By the time these knockabout youngsters smeared boot-polish mustaches beneath their noses and mimicked a group of indignant businessmen, most cases of depression had been completely cured.” Evans hypothesized that the effectiveness of the treatment might stem from patients concluding that if these penniless guttersnipes were able to smile their way through the hard times, then, well, perhaps anyone could.
Tips For Getting Started With ‘Resident Evil: Village’ #~# The sequel to this generation’s hottest horror game is finally out, and we couldn’t be more excited to dive into Ethan Winters’s latest adventure. But before we do, here are OGN’s tips and tricks to get you started on playing Resident Evil: Village right!
Plan To Propose At Tigers Game Scuttled By 13-1 Loss #~# DETROIT—Admitting that the idea may have been doomed from the start, local man Brad Friedberger’s plan to propose at a Detroit Tigers game Friday was scuttled by the team’s 13-1 loss. “I was so nervous and excited, but after they gave up that two-run homer in the second I figured I’d wait until things got a little more cheerful,” said Friedberger, claiming that he was still hoping for a comeback to rescue his plans even as the Tigers were down by 8 in the fifth and his girlfriend started looking at her phone. “By the sixth inning, Steph was asking if we should just leave, so I figured I missed my chance. I don’t want this marriage to get started off on the wrong foot. I had told the Jumbotron guy to look out for us in the seventh inning but I think even he knew this was a no-go. Our section was totally empty too, which was kind of depressing. I’m looking up tickets to another game, but they got a pretty brutal schedule coming up and I don’t know if she is going to want to come back to a game anyway.” At press time, Friedberger had been driving around metro Detroit for eight hours looking for a place pretty enough to propose on a walk this weekend.
Celebrity Couples Explain What Made Their Marriages Last #~# If you think maintaining a healthy relationship is hard, try doing it in the limelight. We asked several celebrity couples to explain the secrets of their successful marriages, and here’s what they said.
Man Shocked To Learn Environmental Impact Of Eating One Hamburger While Driving Bulldozer Through The Amazon #~# MANAUS, PERU—Citing concerns such as carbon emissions and deforestation, area man Pete Weingardt was reportedly shocked Friday after learning about the environmental impact of eating a single hamburger while driving a bulldozer through the Amazon. “You don’t really think about the consequences, but even something as simple as enjoying a standard burger while plowing a 150-ton dozer through acres of old-growth forest has a damaging effect on the world around us,” said Weingardt, noting that the outcome was even more devastating when accounting for the napkins, straws, and wrappers he was tossing onto the corpses of squashed tapirs and spider monkeys. “I hate to say it, but even now that I know about all the harm, I’m probably not going to give up this lifestyle entirely. But I suppose even just taking a break from meat now and then while I let the bulldozer idle in a clearing can make a big difference.” At press time, Weingardt had committed to setting aside one day a week where he would only eat seafood while ramming a boat into the Great Barrier Reef.
‘Tiger King’ Star Launches Cat-Themed Cryptocurrency #~# Tiger King star Carole Baskin has launched a new cat-themed digital currency called $CAT, which allows fans to buy merchandise or online experiences from her Florida animal sanctuary. What do you think?
U.S. Gives Developing Countries 60 Seconds With Vaccine Patents To Memorize Everything They Can #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat the Covid-19 pandemic abroad, the U.S. reportedly gave developing countries 60 seconds with patents for the vaccine Thursday to memorize everything they can. “No pens, no paper—just you, your brains, and a minute on the clock,” said U.S. Trade Representative Katherine Tai, who collected Indian, Colombian, and Peruvian officials’ phones at the door to ensure there wouldn’t be any cheating during their allotted time. “You can come up with some fun mnemonic devices or maybe try putting them in your memory palace; that’s probably your best shot at getting down. Probably best just to quickly skim and get the main gist of the mRNA technology part. Make sure you’re really concentrating because we’re not going to give you any extra time. Sixty seconds means 60 seconds. And remember, your citizens’ lives depend on this, so take it seriously.” At press time, Tai added that there were now 11 seconds left on the clock.
Arena DJ Overwhelmed By Godlike Power After Getting Fans To Snap Along To ‘Addams Family’ Theme Song On Command #~# PHILADELPHIA—Admitting that he was unsure how to harness his new abilities, Wells Fargo Center DJ Levi Ellington was overwhelmed Thursday by his godlike power after getting fans to snap along to The Addams Family theme song on command. “They clap when I say clap, they stomp when I say stomp, what won’t they do?” said Ellington, whose hands shivered with nervous uncertainly while he weighed which song to play next. “I asked them to chant ‘defense,’ and they did exactly as I decreed. I could play anything, even the ‘Hokie Pokey,’ and they’d be eating out of the palm of my hand. With one simple shift of this slider, I could get them out of their seats and doing the ‘Y.M.C.A.’ dance in no time.” At press time, Ellington was rapidly spiraling after Sixers fans ignored his medley of Montell Jordan hits.
Facebook Board Upholds Trump Suspension #~# Facebook’s oversight board ruled the social media platform was justified in blocking former President Trump for violating its community standards relating to misinformation and the Capitol riot, but ordered Facebook to decide a determinate penalty. What do you think?
U.S. Under Pressure To Suspend Marvel IP So Developing Nations Can Create Own Wolverines #~# WASHINGTON—Urged to take extraordinary measures in the face of a global crisis, the U.S. was under increasing pressure Thursday to suspend Marvel intellectual property so developing nations could create their own Wolverines. “This is a desperately needed resource, and America has a moral imperative to share its cigar-chomping, motorcycle-riding antihero with the rest of the world,” said public health expert Joshua Dawley, arguing that traditional profit considerations had to be put aside to allow the regenerating mutant to propagate throughout countries that need him the most. “The reality is that nations such as India and South Africa simply don’t have the time or resources to develop a Weapon X program of their own, and if wealthy nations don’t act swiftly, hundreds of thousands could be forced to live without a protagonist who’s the best there is at what he does, even if what he does isn’t very nice.” Dawley added that the next major hurdle was likely to be distribution, as even in the U.S. only 32% of the population has currently received at least one issue of X-Men Vs. Apocalypse.
‘Care To Explain?’ Ask Conservative Parents After Finding Vaccine Card In Son’s Underwear Drawer #~# BELOIT, WI—Gasping sharply and demanding their son to report to his room this instant, conservative parents Justine and Stewart Taylor asked their son Thursday if he’d care to explain why there was a vaccine card hidden in his underwear drawer. “So, is there anything in particular that you’d like to tell us—or did you think we were stupid and just wouldn’t find out?” said Stewart, holding up his child’s inoculation records, squinting, and whispering, “Don’t lie to me, son,” as his wife sobbed quietly in the background. “Sixteen years of clothing you, feeding you, and loving you with all our hearts, and this is how you repay us? Just look at what you’ve done to your mother! She didn’t raise you to go off into some tent full of miscreants God knows where and inject this kind of terrible stuff into your body. I thought we taught you right, but you know, you’re just one more dose of Moderna or Pfizer from losing your mind, or worse, ending up in a ditch somewhere, dead.” At press time, the Taylors had reportedly thrown their son out onto the street with nothing but his masks and hand sanitizer after rolling up his sleeve to find a bandage. 
Mark Zuckerberg Asks Facebook Oversight Board To Rule On Whether Argument Wife’s Fault #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Stressing that the issue was out of his hands and far beyond the scope of topics he was equipped to address, Mark Zuckerberg asked the Facebook Oversight Board Thursday to rule on whether the argument he’d had with his wife was her fault. “After months of strife and heated discussions within the Chan-Zuckerberg home, I have called upon Facebook’s most trusted advisors to determine whether Priscilla made some good points or was just being a total bitch,” said the embattled CEO, adding that the board, comprised of 20 esteemed lawyers, scholars, and former politicians, had been provided with all relevant information, including his wife’s tone, her snide comments, and how she knew what buttons she was pressing when she said certain “bullshit things.” “While I have my own opinions on how my wife was being passive aggressive and refusing to listen to anything I said, I will trust the Board’s independent, well-researched decision no matter what they decide. Simply put, I feel stronger and more confident knowing some of the worlds best minds are here to help me make decisions about schooling the kids, walking the dog, or when everybody in the house just needs to shut the fuck up.” At press time, the Facebook oversight board had reportedly punted the decision back to Zuckerberg, claiming that he either had to take responsibility and make up with Priscilla or decide to divorce her once and for all. 
Friend In Long-Term Relationship Announces She Wouldn’t Even Be Able To Figure Out Extremely Simple Premise Of Dating App If She Tried #~# OKEMOS, MI—Claiming she would be absolutely clueless if she were single and had to navigate such a complicated system, local woman Ashley Rice, a friend in a long-term relationship, announced Thursday she would not be able to figure out the extremely simple premise of a dating app if she tried. “So wait, you look at people’s pictures, read a little bit about them, and then, somehow, you meet?” said Rice, who wore a bewildered expression as she stared at photographs of strange men on her friend’s phone, indicating that she counted herself lucky to have been in a committed and stable relationship with her husband before such apps became commonplace. “You’re so brave. Seriously, I’d have no idea what I was doing if I had to go on one of these services. I don’t even get how they’re supposed to work. Do you date all of those guys? And once you get a—what do you call it—a ‘match,’ then you get married?” At press time, Rice was reportedly becoming more interested in how the app worked after she discovered the profile photo of a man who looked a lot like her husband.
Esports-Themed Restaurant Owner To Spend Whole Life Thinking It Went Under Because Of Covid #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Believing that the timing of his venture was the sole source of its failure, local esports-themed restaurant owner Dennis McLeish confirmed  Thursday that he would spend the rest of his life thinking the business went under because of Covid-19. “Everything was totally going our way over the first few weeks, but then the pandemic hit, and boom—it just drained our business,” said McLeish, who was reportedly under the impression that the poorly lit 5,000-square-foot restaurant in a low-traffic area whose main selling point was the presence of numerous screens that diners could play games on would have lasted more than a few weeks in any scenario. “All the tournaments were canceled because of the virus, and without the big crowds of people coming to watch, it was pretty much curtains for us. It hurts to think about since I sank my life savings into this dream, and it would’ve worked if not for the pandemic.” At press time, the man had sold all his gaming consoles to pay lawyer fees.
Tiffany Debuts Engagement Rings For Men #~# Tiffany & Co. debuted its first-ever men’s engagement ring, as it attempts to tap into a new market for its high-end jewelry amid a rise in same-sex marriages globally and gender-fluid fashion trends. What do you think?
Minimalist Learning To Appreciate Stripped-Down Simple Pleasures Of Unloaded Tater Tots #~# BATTLE CREEK, MI—In a major breakthrough after years spent chasing the next big flavor, local minimalist Tyler Benson told sources Wednesday he had recently discovered how to appreciate the stripped-down simple pleasures of unloaded tater tots. “Once you tear away the distractions of melted cheese, jalapeños, and bacon, you begin to understand the genuine, unadorned essence of the tot,” said the 34-year-old, explaining that while he had long depended upon artificial embellishments such as a slathering of sour cream or Sriracha to draw pleasing flavors from his tater tots, he was now able to truly perceive the beauty that lay at the core of the appetizer. “The tot must be broken down to its most basic form—the pure and unencumbered crispy fried potato—so that it may be contemplated in its full grandeur. No guacamole, not even a sprinkling of chives, should mediate the experience of the snacking public.” At press time, Benson had reportedly begun to distance himself from strict minimalist orthodoxy, acknowledging that tater tots had no taste at all if they weren’t loaded with a bunch of fucking salt.
NYC Replacing Snow Days With Remote Learning #~# New York City education officials have announced that the nation’s largest school district will not be having any snow days in the next school year, and instead will be providing remote learning during severe weather. What do you think?
Experts Say Earning Trust Of Vaccine Skeptics Will Be Key To Jabbing Them When They’re Not Looking #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that building public confidence had never been more crucial, experts from Columbia University told reporters Wednesday that earning the trust of vaccine skeptics would be key to jabbing them when they’re not looking. “We explain to them the vaccine is safe, show them the science behind it, wait until they’re distracted, then bam—they’re inoculated against the novel coronavirus,” said epidemiologist Paula Dawson, who estimated that there were still as many as 100 million Americans who needed to be lulled into a false sense of security. “Just a quick ‘Hey, look over there!’ and then we hit them with some Pfizer or Moderna. Compliment them, cozy up to them, do whatever you need to do. It’ll be too easy playing these chumps.” At press time, Dawson added that though this might make administering second dose difficult, there was nothing a free snack couldn’t fix. 
Reporter Who Found 3 Angry Tweets About Issue Guesses That’s An Article Right There #~# NEW YORK—Shrugging as he started writing the story’s lede, New York Times employee Lance Reede, a reporter who found three angry tweets about a particular issue, revealed Wednesday that he figured that’s probably an article right there. “Yeah, sure—you’ve got a few angry people on social media, you put all their words together on one page, and, boom, there’s your news article,” said Reede, explaining how embedding the three posts under a single headline suggesting that “social media wasn’t having it,” might even be enough to stretch the article to 800 words. “Is this an above-the-fold news story? No. Does giving a national platform to a few people with virtually no real-world relevance provide anything of journalistic value to our readers? Probably not. But, hey, it’s technically something that happened and people will click on it. You tell me why this doesn’t deserve to be published in the nation’s paper of record.” Reede added that, with any luck, he could reuse the article’s format next week when something else made a few social media users mad.
‘It’s Him Or Me,’ Says Unhinged Aaron Rodgers Demanding Packers Fire Team Custodian #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Threatening to test the trade market if the front office didn’t intervene, a visibly unhinged Aaron Rodgers told Packers brass Wednesday that it was “him or me” in reference to team custodian Glen Pardlo. “I can’t let another off season go by without getting help cleaning up around here,” said the reigning NFL MVP, who has reportedly been at odds with the custodian since  taking over as the Packers’ starting quarterback in 2008. “The front office just isn’t giving me enough protection when you look at the scraps on the field. I’m a real attention-to-detail guy, so it just tears me up to work with someone who’s so careless. I need to have a custodian I can trust, and the franchise has repeatedly failed to invest in this position. It’s been a long time coming with me and Pardlo. I’m at the end of my rope.” At press time, Rodgers fueled trade rumors by following the Broncos’ custodial staff on Instagram. 
Spend $15 Building Your Ultimate NBA Lineup #~# Sure,  your favorite team’s GM sucks, but could you do any better? Would you chase stars to form a Big 3 or build around the margins to craft a  perfectly balanced roster? Put your team-building skills to the test by constructing the best possible lineup without exceeding your $15  budget.
The Worst Tornadoes In U.S. History #~# Spring is tornado season, putting millions of people across the country on high alert for the sometimes devastating storms. The Onion looks back at the worst tornadoes in U.S. history.
Private Equity Firm Heartbroken After Realizing There No AOL Employees Left To Fire #~# NEW YORK—Sorting through the assets of the new company they had acquired, private equity firm Apollo Global Management confirmed they were heartbroken Monday after realizing there were no AOL employees left for them to fire. “There isn’t a single person left on the payroll for us to let go,” said the visibly distraught Apollo CEO Marc Rowan, rushing in and out of empty offices and flipping through piles of papers to find anyone he could immediately fire under the guise of “taking things in a new direction.” “Shoot, it was the one thing that we were excited about with this purchase—I mean, this is AOL we’re talking about, not exactly the cutting edge of media. My first order of business was to clean house by cutting 85% of the staff on the first day, so now it’s kind of like, what’s the point? No writers, no managers, not even a janitor to send packing. You shell out $5 billion, you expect to have a little fun is all.” At press time, Apollo announced the hiring of hundreds of AOL contractors that Rowan could fire in order to boost his spirits.
Bill And Melinda Gates Announce Divorce #~# Bill and Melinda Gates have announced they are splitting up after 27 years of marriage, a decision that is likely to have wide ranging effects on the worlds of philanthropy, healthcare, and business. What do you think?
Steve Ballmer Releases Statement Clarifying Marriage Has Never Been More Solid #~# HUNTS POINT, WA—Sharing the message on his Twitter account as well as in an official press release to journalists, Steve Ballmer issued a statement Tuesday clarifying that his marriage has never been more solid. “After 31 years of marriage, I’m proud to announce our relationship has never been better—God, Connie, I love you so much,” said the former Microsoft CEO, who confirmed that the physical, spiritual, and emotional connection he shared with his wife was only growing stronger with each passing day. “The two of us have done a lot of work on our marriage in the past few years, and let me tell you, it’s paid off tremendously. We’re solid as a goddamn rock over here. Frankly, things in the bedroom are off the charts. Let’s just say it gets pretty hot, heavy, and sticky. Who knows, we might even make another kid.” At press time, Ballmer asked that the press respect the couple’s privacy as they planned their intimate vow renewal ceremony in the Maldives.
Couple Worried Relationship Will Lose Spark Once They Move Into Leader’s Compound #~# MOUNT DORA, FL—Expressing concerns about the complications that could arise from cohabitation, a local couple was reportedly worried Tuesday that their relationship might lose its spark once they both move into the leader’s compound. “Don’t get me wrong—it’s exciting for my boyfriend Rob and I to take this next step together, but I am a little nervous that we’re going to lose some of our independence when we’re both locked in the same sleeping quarters at The Eternity Ranch,” said Olivia Johnson, noting her apprehension that constantly fasting, performing ablutions, and engaging in hard labor together could become rote over time. “The way things are now, I see Rob a lot, but I can also have a night out with my friends whenever I want. Post-move, I just know we’re not going to hang out as much because they’re jealous, suppressive forces that must be cut out of my life. Then again, I’m not getting any younger, and I don’t want to end up single at 40 when the physical world ends.” At press time, Johnson supposed that she and her boyfriend could always add some more excitement by giving themselves over sexually to the leader. 
Man Psyches Self Up To Watch Movie #~# ITHACA, NY—Worried that he wouldn’t be able to endure the task in his current mindset, local man Brian Grinnell was reportedly psyching himself up Tuesday to watch a movie. “Look, Brian, it’s just two hours and it’s over—you’ve got this,” said Grinnell, reminding himself that he could always take a break halfway through if sitting on his couch and watching a movie grew too difficult. “You’ve done this before, Brian, don’t make it any harder than it already is. You’ve got your phone in hand, so you can always scroll through that. If you need to, you could just stretch it out over two days. What are you doing with the next two hours anyway? The longer you put it off, the worse it’s going to feel. You can do it. I believe in you.” At press time, Grinnell was trying to psych himself up to turn the movie off.
Ask ‘The Onion’: How To Buy Your First Home #~# With interest rates at historic lows, more people than ever are thinking of breaking into the real estate market. You asked The Onion about how to buy your first home, and now, we have the answers.
Alaska Airlines Bans GOP State Senator #~# Alaska Airlines has banned Republican senator Lora Reinbold after her continued refusal to comply with its mask-wearing policy, which could cause Reinbold future complications since the airline operates the only direct flights from her district to the state capitol. What do you think?
Human Composting Could Soon Be Legal In Colorado #~# The Colorado legislature has passed a bill legalizing the composting of human remains as an after-death alternative to burial and cremation, which is more environmentally friendly than the traditional processes. What do you think?
SpaceX Makes Rare Nighttime Splashdown #~# Elon Musk’s private space company SpaceX successfully returned four International Space Station astronauts home safely in the first nighttime splashdown since 1968. What do you think?
Easygoing Man Able To Take Whatever Sandwich Throws His Way #~# BEVERLY, MA—Explaining that minor inconveniences weren’t worth fretting over, laid-back local man Tom Glickstein told reporters Monday that he felt ready and able to take whatever the sandwich he was currently eating threw his way. “I always try to make the best of the situation at hand, so even if this sub tosses me a curveball like some cucumber or black olives, I’m willing to just go with it,” said the carefree 46-year-old, noting that while banana peppers and red onions might not be what he wanted most out of the sandwich, it was important to treat each topping as a little adventure along the way. “I don’t want to look back on this sandwich and just have memories of being annoyed that the bread wasn’t fully toasted or that the avocado was all mushed over to one side. And frankly, without those lows, you can’t appreciate the highs of extra bacon or cheddar and jalapeño bread. Que será, será—that’s my philosophy when it comes to this sandwich.” At press time, Glickstein was reportedly furious after discovering they barely put on any mayo.
Amazing Deal Alert: Mrs. Ableman Just Put A Steaming Hot Copy Of ‘Monster Hunter Rise’ On Her Windowsill To Cool #~# Gamers, get ready to grab a great deal and run like your life depends on it! Mrs. Ableman from down the block just set out a steaming hot copy of Monster Hunter Rise out to cool on her windowsill, and you have mere moments to snatch it up before she comes back!
U.S. Vows To Invade Next Country That Asks For Covid Vaccine IP #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that they had reached a decision on their international response to the global pandemic, U.S. government officials reportedly vowed Monday to invade the next country that asks for Covid vaccine intellectual property. “We’ve heard the international community’s bitching and moaning about us forcing the pharmaceutical companies to waive their vaccine patents and frankly, we’ve had it up to here—the next one of you who voices so much as a peep about this is getting a full-scale aerial assault,” said President Joe Biden in a statement, adding that after careful consideration he urged all developing countries to keeping calling for vaccines and see how they’d like being occupied. “Listen, we’ve been really accommodating so far by politely turning down your requests for life-saving vaccine intellectual property, but that era is over. I’m only going to say this once: the next goddamn country that releases a dumbass statement whining that the U.S. is hoarding vaccine IP and doing unimaginable damage to the health of global populations is going to find itself surrounded by naval aircraft carriers so fast it’ll make your heads spin. We’ve got troops ready to deploy absolutely anywhere in the world to bomb the next country that tries to infringe on U.S. firms’ profitability back into the Stone Age.” U.S. officials added that the developing countries better think twice before getting the World Health Organization to release another statement on their behalf, because they wouldn’t think twice about invading WHO either.
Congressional Moderates Call For Smaller Numbers #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns about an overly ambitious agenda, several politically moderate members of Congress issued a joint statement Monday calling for smaller numbers. “The proposals that our colleagues are putting forward, at times, contain figures with as many as seven or eight digits in them, which is simply beyond the pale,” said Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV), warning that these large numbers with multiple commas risked alienating key voter blocs. “My constituents didn’t send me to D.C. to inundate them with radically high numbers like a million or a billion. No, I came here to fight for figures like 12, or 7, or better yet, 1/8. These are the type of meat-and-potatoes numbers that American voters can get behind. I have no wish to be unreasonable—my fellow moderates and I recognize the importance of values greater than zero, but there’s simply no cause for them to be this big.” At press time, Manchin had moved on to castigating Democrats for writing bills featuring words other than “bipartisan.”
Fruit Fly Floating Lifelessly In Glass Of Wine A Somber Reminder Of The Perils Of Gluttony #~# NEW YORK—In a chilling example to all who had borne witness, a fruit fly floating lifelessly in a glass of wine Monday was reportedly a somber reminder of the perils of gluttony. “A sad portrayal of what fate awaits those whose passionate appetites rage unchecked,” said bar patron Jeremy Mitchell, noting the heavy warning was reflected in the image of the deceased insect who paid the full price for its insatiable obsession, meeting its untimely end in the sweet Moscato it desired. “Take heed, for this tragedy, though small in stature, embodies in it the highest cost of cardinal sin. The fruit fly lived and died a cautionary tale so that we could learn its lesson: Throw moderation to the winds, and the greatest pleasures bring the greatest pains.” At press time, a visibly inebriated Mitchell was being escorted from the bar after other customers complained of his belligerent rantings.
Possible Havana-Like Energy Attack Near White House #~# Federal agencies are investigating two possible incidents, including one near the White House last year, that appear similar to the mysterious directed-energy attacks being called “Havana syndrome” that caused debilitating symptoms for dozens of U.S. personnel in Cuba. What do you think?
Common Misconceptions Everybody Has About Twins #~# That’s French they’re speaking, you uncultured hog.
Horrified Man Discovers Company Spying On Him After Seeing Photo Of Himself On Roller Coaster #~# GURNEE, IL—Confronted with indisputable evidence that his activity was being documented, local man Ron Peterson was reportedly horrified Wednesday when he discovered he had been spied on by Six Flags Great America, which took photos of him on a roller coaster without his knowledge. “Dear God, when did they—how did they get that? Am I being watched?” asked Peterson, slowly backing away from a wall of video monitors near the Raging Bull ride’s exit, where an attendant told him he would have to pay $29.95 if he wanted the company to hand over the photo. “They have me under surveillance, and now they’re trying to blackmail me? Worst of all, they’re not even trying to hide it! What sort of dystopia is this, man? You know these companies are out of control when you can’t even ride a roller coaster without Big Brother butting in. Look at that, they had the camera perfectly trained on me and my wife…oh, no, no, no, those sick fucks—they’ve got photos of my children up there too! Where does it end?” Peterson added that the same thing happened last December when his family visited Santa at the mall and he was later confronted with photos of the meeting by “terrifying men” dressed as elves. 
Senate Passes Bill Wishing Younger Generations Best Of Luck Stopping Climate Change #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the legislation “long overdue,” the U.S. Senate passed a bill Wednesday wishing younger generations the best of luck stopping climate change. “As devastating wildfires, flooding, and droughts sweep our planet, there has never been a more urgent time to shift the responsibility onto someone else,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, who explained that the bill, called the SEE YA Act, or Saving the Earth Entrusted to Young Americans Act, would allocate over $100 billion toward putting up billboards across the country that read “Good luck!” with pictures of melting glaciers. “We cannot allow future generations to inherit this mess without at least saying ‘you got this’ and giving them a hearty pat on the back. It is crucial that we dedicate significant resources to these well wishes. We know they have their work cut out for them, which is why every American under 18 will also receive a personalized signed photo of their representatives dusting off their hands and grimacing.” At press time, President Joe Biden had vetoed the bill on the grounds it would be viewed as too radical.
Yugoslavia Reunites On ‘The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon’ #~# NEW YORK—Entering the studio at 30 Rockefeller Plaza to thunderous applause from the surprised audience, the members of Yugoslavia reunited Tuesday night on The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon. “What’s up, guys? Everyone looks great! It’s taken so long to get everyone together—not naming names, Kosovo—but we are incredibly excited tonight to reunite Yugoslavia for the very first time since they broke up in 1992,” said Fallon, shaking hands with delegates from Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia, Kosovo, Montenegro, North Macedonia, Serbia, and Slovenia as they entered the theater and waved to the crowd. “Now we did have to pull some strings to get everyone here tonight, especially those crazy Bosniaks. Love you guys! But we did it, and all your favorites from Yugoslavia are with us here tonight, from [former presidents of Yugoslavia] Borisav Jović and Raif Dizdarević to [first president of Slovenia] Milan Kučan. How weird is it to be together for the first time in decades? Of course we’d be remiss if we didn’t take a moment of silence to honor members of the group who aren’t with us today. We miss you, Slobodan [Milošević]! I am so, so happy we could reunite all of you into a single Slavic state again right here on the Tonight Show stage. Now what’s next for you guys?” At press time, 15,000 Serbs were dead following a bloody conflict erupting from a Lip Sync Battle.
Tips For Staying Safe During A Heat Wave #~# Record heat has hit parts of the Pacific Northwest as part of a general trend of global warming, putting people unused to such extreme heat in potential danger. The Onion offers helpful tips for staying safe during a heat wave.
Power-Hungry Goose Seizes Control Of Audubon Society In Bloody Coup #~# NEW  YORK—In a stunning turn of events likely to forever alter the  organization’s makeup, a power-hungry goose seized control of the  Audubon Society in a bloody coup Wednesday, sources monitoring the  situation confirmed. “What began as a typical Audubon Society executive  meeting came to a sudden halt after a particularly aggressive goose  waddled through the door, beat every senior employee present into  submission with its wings, and pecked the interim president into exile,”  said United Nations observer Karen Sullivan, explaining that the  domestic goose immediately seized on the confusion to usher in its own  tyrannical leadership forged in feathers and bloodshed. “Most interns  have been taken captive by dozens of violent gosling that flew in  through an open window. They’re hoarding bread from the kitchenette, as  well, which I’m sure will help shore up the new leadership’s popularity.  It’s unclear what this goose wants, but it absolutely intends to send  the terrifying message that there’s a new leader at the Audubon Society  and its name is goose.” At press time, the goose had taken over the Audubon board meeting and began loudly honking while spreading its wings  in a dominant show of force.
George Clooney Launching High School Film Program #~# George Clooney, along with other Hollywood A-listers, is launching a new Los Angeles magnet school to train teenagers from marginalized communities in cinematography and other technical film jobs as part of an effort to diversify the industry. What do you think?
‘Dragon Man’ Fossil May Represent Modern Human’s Closest Ancestor #~# Scientists in China say they have discovered a fossil from a previously unknown species of human, nicknamed “Dragon Man”, that dates back more than 140,000 years and could be more closely related to Homo sapiens than Neanderthals. What do you think?
Poll Finds 95% Of Americans Approve Of Kim Jong-Un After Seeing Weight Loss Photos #~# WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, a record 95% of Americans now approve of Kim Jong-un after seeing photos that reveal the North Korean leader sporting a much trimmer figure following a month of intensive weight loss. “Among U.S. citizens, Kim is receiving high positive ratings across the board, a staggering uptick that is largely attributable to how good he looks with his new, slimmed-down body,” said polling analyst Mary Silverman, adding that the totalitarian dictator’s favorability scores had long languished in the single digits across the United States, and that they showed no signs of budging last year when South Korean intelligence officials estimated his weight had reached 308 pounds. “We found that 91% of Americans now believe Kim is a compassionate leader, 94% believe he is trustworthy, and 99% agree with the statement ‘Kim Jong-un is the right man for the job.’ Survey respondents said they were unsure what had so suddenly altered their perception of a man who routinely orders the extrajudicial killing of people close to him, but many mentioned they were genuinely impressed by the $12,000 Swiss watch he is seen wearing in the new photos.” At press time, a petition signed by thousands of current and former members of the U.S. diplomatic corps called for normalizing relations with North Korea, declaring it “foolhardy” to oppose an international leader so full of natural charisma and fine health. 
Professional Poker Player Banned For Deceiving Opponents By Knowingly Betting On Weak Hand #~# LAS VEGAS—Finding himself escorted from the premises as soon as his transgression came to light, professional poker player Curt Manginis was banned from The Venetian Casino’s Texas hold ’em tournament Tuesday for deceiving his opponents by knowingly betting on a weak hand. “Curt just kept raising and raising so we assumed he had a full house or something, but then when he flipped his cards over it was nothing but a pair of threes, and we were all just outraged,” said fellow tournament-goer Pete Walton, expressing his fury that trickery of this nature had been allowed at a professional event. “The rest of us folded in good faith, so to see that it was all nothing but a con is pretty unbelievable. We came here to play cards honorably at a high level, and it’s a shame to have it marred by such a blatant attempt at chicanery.” At press time, an additional player had been banned for attempting to bamboozle and confuse opponents by spinning a poker chip on the table. 
Nation Resolves Not To Forget Lessons Of Corpid-19 #~# NEW YORK—Declaring that the only way to prevent a similar tragedy in the future was to learn from the experience, the nation reportedly resolved Tuesday not to forget the lessons of Corpid-19. “If we don’t stop to reflect, to really reflect, on what we’ve all been through as a country, we’re never going to prevent the next Curvil-80 from happening,” said local man Ethan Bishop, echoing the sentiments of 330 million Americans, adding that learning from Coblimp-1990 was the only way to ensure that the dozens or maybe a million people who perished or maybe had accidents or allergic reactions to it hadn’t died in vain. “We need to take a deep breath as a country and pause to acknowledge the significant lifestyle changes we’ve made due to the Carolina69 bacteria—how we now know the importance of wearing musk and of rinsing our feet to get the Carvard dirt off. That’s the only way to keep our loved ones safe, particularly those most at risk like childhood heroes, people with pre-missing conditioners, and the westerly. I know I personally avoid parking spaces now and I’ll never take seeing people on billboards for granted ever again. And if we’re going to come together to fight something like Charizard-420 in the future, we’re going to need to remember to cut down on media mis-inspiration and to place our trust in the appliances.” The nation also resolved to be more mindful of the global nature of the pandemonium, saying that they needed to keep supporting the places or stations outside of America who were still struggling to contain whatever that thing was.
Experts Warn Heat Wave Could Lead To Huge Surge In Shirtless Italian Grandpas With Wet Washcloths On Head #~# SEATTLE—As temperatures top 100 degrees, the National Weather Service warned Tuesday that the record-breaking heat wave currently plaguing the Pacific Northwest could cause an unprecedented surge in shirtless Italian grandpas appearing outdoors with wet washcloths on their heads. “With excessive heat gripping Washington, Oregon, and surrounding states, residents should be advised that their nonnos are at increased risk of stripping down  and slapping a damp rag on their forehead in an attempt to cool down,” the warning read in part, before going on to detail the alarming rise in septuagenarian paisanos stepping away from the vat of boiling squid on their stove in order to sigh repeatedly and fan themselves with a folded newspaper. “Through 11 p.m. PDT Thursday, expect increased cases of exhaustion, sun rash, heat stroke, and men from the old country removing their shirts and setting up a folding chair on a shaded section of the front stoop. Please be on the alert for early warning signs, such as panting, sweating, and elderly men named Alphonse, their eyes enlarged behind giant reading glasses, muttering “Madonna mia” into their fresh lemonade as they pause to rest beneath the canopy of a chestnut tree. In the Seattle metropolitan area, public cooling centers have been opened in an effort to cut down on these small, stocky, and by all accounts adorable Italian seniors puttering around their backyards in gartered socks, belted pants, and nothing else.” At press time, the NWS had issued an escalated advisory following reports that shirtless Italian grandpas had declared the weather too hot even for espresso. 
Study: Best Method Of Surviving Layoffs Remains Playing Dead As HR Rounds Corner #~# SAN DIEGO—In an evaluation of tactics American workers use to hold on to their jobs, a study published Tuesday by researchers at San Diego State University found that the most effective method of surviving layoffs remains playing dead the moment one spots a human resources manager rounding a corner in the office. “According to our findings, lying on the ground and making as little noise as possible is still the best practice if one wishes to avoid becoming a victim of corporate cost-cutting,” said head researcher Stephen Harnett, who also recommended evading HR by running outside and climbing up the nearest tree, or banging around coffee mugs and office supplies to instill fear in a manager tasked with downsizing. “However, if this approach fails and the human resources representative continues to follow you, it can be helpful to make yourself appear larger, wave your arms around, and yell, ‘Hey, HR! Get out of here! Go!’ This will usually scare them off, though they are likely to return with additional management personnel, as well as building security.” The study went on to stress that such tactics should only be used in conjunction with a powerful capsaicin-based HR-deterrent spray, which should be carried by workers at all times to subdue aggressive managers. 
Most Insane Secrets Behind Your Favorite Reality Shows #~# All of Kim’s sisters are actually portrayed by noted character actor Stephen Tobolowsky.
Trump Organization Expected To Face Criminal Charges #~# The Manhattan district attorney’s office has informed former President Donald Trump’s lawyers that it is considering criminal charges against his family business in connection with fringe benefits the company awarded a top executive. What do you think?
Fan Holding Sign Causes Major Tour De France Crash #~# A fan attempting to get the sign she was holding on camera stepped onto the Tour de France track, hitting a cyclist and causing a major crash that took out nearly an entire peloton of riders during the first stage of the three-week-long race. What do you think?
Surefire Ways To Get Rid Of A Hangover #~# Banish that hangover by eating a large, well-balanced pile of medicine.
New Victoria’s Secret Campaign Features Images Of Real Women From Fitting Room Security Cameras #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Launching the next phase in an ongoing overhaul of its troubled brand, Victoria’s Secret unveiled a new advertising campaign Monday that features its apparel worn by real women caught on fitting room security cameras. “We want customers to realize our lingerie isn’t just for rail-thin supermodels who get paid to look pretty in front of a camera—it’s also for everyday women and girls who have no idea they’re on camera at all,” said CEO John Mehas, explaining that the company sorted through thousands of hours of covertly shot footage to create the new ads, which feature women with a diverse range of body types trying on Victoria’s Secret sportswear, swimwear, bras, and panties. “The empowering images that define this bold new campaign were selected at random from videos we took of everyone who entered a fitting room at one of our 775 locations, disrobed, and slipped into our  intimate apparel. We are proud these once-anonymous women—all real-life Victoria’s Secret customers from the past five years—will soon appear on billboards, buses, and national television. The next time you open a magazine, you may see someone you know in a full-page ad. You may even see yourself!” In a sign that the brand might also be shifting its revenue model, sources confirmed visitors to the Victoria Secret website will now be able to access live, unedited video from the fitting-room cameras for a recurring monthly fee of $29.99.
NASA Says New Moon Mission Unlikely Since Neil Armstrong Only Person Who Knew How To Get There #~# BALTIMORE—Dashing hopes of a return to the Earth’s only natural satellite, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration played down plans for another Moon mission Monday, explaining that Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong was the only person who knew how to get up there. “Unfortunately, despite repeated attempts to discover Neil’s secret route, we simply never asked him about how he managed to fly all the way to the lunar surface before his passing,” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson, adding that the agency knew that Armstrong “went up in a rocket,” and then really didn’t know anything after that. “Whatever he did seems incredibly complex, to be completely honest. Even his crewmates thought it was impossible. We just trusted him when he first proposed that we launch a rocket out of the Earth’s atmosphere and land on the moon. Boy did that pay off. Unfortunately, though, that knowledge died with Neil.” At press time, Nelson added that even if they knew how to get to the Moon, any attempt would be futile since the keys to the Apollo 11 rocket had been buried with Armstrong.
Lorde Slammed And Condemned Because It Seems Like It’s About Time For That To Start #~# NEW YORK—In a blistering condemnation of the 24-year-old multiplatinum recording artist, a coalition of music critics and pop culture writers held a press conference Monday to excoriate Lorde, explaining that they just felt it was time for them to begin laying into her as hard as they could. “Lorde has gone almost a decade without anyone calling her a disgrace, writing a think piece on her toxicity, or launching a social media campaign to tear her down, so she really is due for all that to start happening,” said music blogger Brian Sullivan, who remarked that ripping apart the New Zealand­–born Grammy winner made perfect sense considering how long she had remained a public figure without ever becoming the focus of an intense, overwhelming backlash. “You know how these cycles work: It started with ecstatic praise for Pure Heroine, and that matured into reverence for Melodrama, and now we’ve hit the point where Lorde gets called out for something or other—it doesn’t matter what—and then we savagely rip her apart and leave her career in such tatters that no one ever listens to her again. For Christ’s sake, it’s 2021. There should be thousands of people on Twitter and Instagram right now calling Lorde a monster.” Sullivan added that if this effort failed, then at the very least the media must start trying to bait the singer-songwriter into petty feuds with her pop-star peers.
Nation’s Moms Announce There No Way In Hell You’re Sleeping Until Noon Every Day This Summer #~# WASHINGTON—Barging into your bedroom and turning on the lights, the nation’s moms announced Monday that there was no way in hell you’re sleeping until noon every day this summer. “I don’t care if you have to go to bed early every night, if that’s what it takes, but you’re not about to just piss away your summer vacation staying up late and then sleeping all day,” said Margie Packer, 47, on behalf of moms all across the country, stressing that they let this lazy behavior go on for a week, but it ends today, so you need to get up, get dressed, and make your bed. “I’ll tell you right now, it’s not gonna be like last summer. Either you get a job or take that volunteer opportunity at the old folks’ home like we talked about, but you’ve got another thing coming if you think I’m just gonna let you sleep all damn day. I know you’re tired, but I’ve been up since six this morning and I need your help around the house. And while you’re at it, your room is just filthy.” At press time, the nation’s moms issued a stern warning that if they came back and you were still in bed, there would be serious repercussions.
Rudy Giuliani’s Law License Suspended For Trump Election Lies #~# Rudy Giuliani’s law license has been suspended in New York state after an appellate court found that he made “demonstrably false and misleading statements” about the 2020 election. What do you think?
Borderline Sacrilege: Some Sick Freak Drew Fanart Of Mario Just Wearing Normal Jeans #~# Jesus  Christ, we don’t know what to say, gamers. There are many strange and,  indeed, unsettling things on the internet, but this latest one crosses the line  of all that is decent and good in the world: Some sick freak named X_Switch_58 drew fanart of  Mario just wearing normal jeans and a red shirt, and it isn’t okay.
Famous Free Speech Court Cases In U.S. History #~# This week, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of a former high schooler who had been punished by her Pennsylvania school for using profanity in a Snapchat caption posted when she wasn’t on school grounds. The Onion looks back at notable First Amendment court cases in U.S. history.
Entire Nation Placed Under Jamie Spears’ Conservatorship For Their Own Well-Being #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling into question the U.S. populace’s physical and mental capacity, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Brenda Penny ruled Friday that the entire nation would be placed under Jamie Spears’ conservatorship for their own well-being. “It is with the best interest of the nation in mind that I appoint Mr. Spears the conservator of all 328 million American people,” said Penny, who granted the 68-year-old Louisiana man full legal, financial, and medical control of the country’s residents in an emergency order that went into effect immediately. “There is clear and ample evidence that the nation lacks the ability to care for themselves at this time. The American people have long demonstrated a pattern of erratic and irresponsible behavior, so Mr. Spears will be stepping up to manage their personal and business affairs. He’ll be assisted by a financial group whose members, of course, will also be under the conservatorship of Mr. Spears.” At press time, the American people had excitedly announced a new Las Vegas residency at Planet Hollywood. 
Celebrities Reveal Why They Actually Divorced Their Spouse #~# “After years of Chris constantly asking me to check out his band, I finally did and, look, even I have limits.”
Raid Introduces Holy Water-Infused Spray That Allows Cockroaches To Be Baptized And Die As Christians #~# RACINE, WI—Touting the new product as a more compassionate way to end the lives of common household pests, Raid introduced a holy water–infused spray Friday that allows cockroaches to be baptized and die as Christians. “We know how important it is to rid your home of roaches, moths, spiders, and other bugs, and now you can do so without damning their souls to languish in Hell for all eternity,” said Fisk Johnson, CEO of Raid parent company SC Johnson, explaining that the new product had been developed after local clergy came forward with concerns about the cruel fate befalling the souls of bugs that die without being baptized. “Customers who purchase a can of our holy water–infused Raid can rest assured that they’re spraying insects with liquid that was blessed at our giant factory fonts by Catholic priests. Of course, it is up to the individual cockroach whether they want to embrace the Lord as their own true savior, but we at Raid believe that we should not deny them this opportunity by condemning them to death unbaptized. It also works on eggs, so unborn cockroaches will be baptized as well. We just wanted to do our part to get an infestation of cockroaches up in Heaven.” Catholic Church officials reportedly applauded Raid’s holy water–infused spray, calling it the most merciful new pest-removal product since Tomcat unveiled mouse traps containing the Eucharist.
Whoa, Opposing Little League Team Has Last Names On Their Jerseys #~# CUDDEBACKVILLE, NY—Raising speculation as to whether the team was age-eligible for the game, incredulous little league sources confirmed Friday that Westchester Tigers players had their last names on the back of their jerseys. “These kids must be loaded,” said first-baseman Eric “Big Choo” Sanders, noting the opposing players’ matching cleats and baseball bats. “The second I saw those names, I knew we were fucked. Their jerseys are made by Adidas, we’ve got the logo of a pizzeria on our backs. I heard their assistant coach used to play for the Orioles, so he probably knows a guy. Their shortstop is nationally ranked, too. He’s got his nickname on his freaking glove.” At press time, little league sources announced that, holy shit, the Tigers had a team bus with a vinyl-wrapped graphic of their players. 
Contractor Informs Biden It’d Be Cheaper To Just Tear Down U.S. And Start Over #~# WASHINGTON—Shaking his head and sighing while poking around various rotting, dilapidated sections of the 3.8-million-square-mile country, local contractor Randy Alonzo looked President Joe Biden in the eye Friday and told him that it would  be cheaper just to tear down the United States and start over. “Yeah, no, I’ll be honest, this whole friggin’ place, from California to New York, all the way down to the tip of Florida, is a mess, and if I were you, I’d just consider shit-canning the whole thing and building back from the ground up,” said Alonzo, adding that while he was fully expecting to find some disrepair in a 244-year-old nation, he wasn’t prepared for a total “gut job” with lead pipes in every major city, huge cracks all up and down the west coast, standing water throughout the south, as well as an unidentifiable toxic sludge all throughout the midwest. “I just don’t see any way we can save this.  Are you aware Arkansas, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Missouri, and Tennessee were all built on floodplains? And I can’t even tell my guys to start inspecting Pennsylvania without the proper hazmat suits, given all the asbestos. Listen, I get that there’s a lot of historical charm that you want to save in New England and everything, but that stuff hasn’t really been maintained since 1960. If I were you, I’d try to start finding some more money for this reno, because that $6 billion bipartisan deal isn’t exactly going to cut it.”  Alonzo confirmed he could technically cut corners and just do cosmetic upgrades, but unless he shored up the foundation, Biden would have a real hard time unloading a rat-infested, fire-prone, depreciating country on the next guy.
Man Who Fathered 98 Children With 39 Women Dies #~# An Indian man believed to have headed the “world’s largest family” while leading a Christian sect that allowed polygamy for men in the northeastern state of Mizoram, has died, leaving behind 39 wives and 98 children. What do you think?
153 Hospital Employees Fired, Resign Over Covid-19 Vaccine Mandate #~# Over 150 employees at a Houston hospital system who refused to get the Covid-19 vaccine have resigned or been fired after a judge dismissed an employee lawsuit over the hospital’s vaccine requirement. What do you think?
‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans, Rejoice! George R.R. Martin Confirmed That Halfway Through ‘Elden Ring’ His Writing Will Be Replaced By Dialogue Like ‘An Army Is Like A Hard Cock’ #~# FromSoftware fans were thrilled to finally see the full reveal of Elden Ring at E3 2021, and  since that dramatic footage’s release, one huge revelation leaked out  that will have anyone who loved Game Of Thrones celebrating: George R.R. Martin himself just confirmed that halfway through the game his engrossing writing will disappear and be replaced with dialogue like “An army is like a hard cock.”
Chicago Cubs Launch Charitable Initiative To Give Back To Overserved Communities #~# CHICAGO—Honoring the most dedicated part of their fan base with the summer volunteer program, the Chicago Cubs launched a new charitable initiative Thursday to give back to overserved communities. “This is a group of people who don’t always have the best lives, but to do even a little to help these absolutely plastered fans is great,” said shortstop Javier Báez, who lamented that many of them do not get much physical activity and are forced to live their lives in the deadly environment of neighborhoods like Wrigleyville. “The overserved are often denied opportunities to stay in restaurants or drive cars that you and I take for granted. They are disrespected and mocked. So it feels good to show these incredibly trashed fans what they are actually capable of. Even just to see their smiles as they wildly swing bat before the pitch has  been thrown. It’s nice to see that kind of joy in their glossy eyes  instead of challenging everyone they see to a fight.” At press time, more than half the overserved had been kicked out of the gathering after heckling Báez for being overpaid and speaking with a “foreign” accent.
Subway CEO Apologizes For Trusting Fish Who Falsified Documents To Pass As Tuna #~# MILFORD, CT—Addressing recent questions about the integrity of ingredients in one of the chain’s most popular sandwiches, Subway CEO John Chidsey issued a formal apology Thursday for trusting a fish who allegedly submitted false documents to the restaurant in order to pass as a tuna. “Subway has always prided itself on thoroughly vetting anyone who will represent our brand, but we failed you this time, placing our trust in what turned out to be a common carp,” said Chidsey, adding that while the fish in question went through several rounds of vigorous interviews before it was brought onto the team, its fraudulent credentials claiming membership in the Thunnus albacares species were never questioned. “Though we, too, are victims in this situation, ultimately the onus was on us to more closely examine this candidate’s purported background as a yellowfin tuna. In our defense, the paperwork was all there, we simply failed to do our due diligence and check this fish’s references. Perhaps if we had, we would not have been taken in by this duplicitous carp. We just got mixed up with the wrong fish, that’s all.” Chidsey went on to address allegations regarding the role the carp played in his personal life, acknowledging the two had carried on a consensual, extramarital affair during the fish’s brief tenure at the company.
Beefy Gym Man Drinking From Gallon Water Jug Like Mythical Giant #~# CHICAGO—In an awe-inspiring display of brute strength, beefy gym man Matthew Brennan was reportedly drinking from a gallon water jug Thursday like a mythical giant. According to observers, the large muscular gym-goer lifted the oversized drinking receptacle to his lips with the unsettling ease of a 100-foot titan ripping a tree from the earth, conjuring images in fellow LA Fitness members’ minds of the hulking 32-year-old stomping through the countryside in mile-spanning strides, leaving deep, massive footprints in his wave that would become ponds and wetlands where small creatures would bathe and refresh themselves after the rain. Sources reported that the beefy gym man might as well have been wearing the pelts of hundreds of wild animals stitched together as he tipped back the plastic container, slugging down the water with the unquenchable thirst of a cyclops stooping down beside a riverbank to drink an entire stream. At press time, Brennan had sighed contentedly like a giant standing atop a mountain peak, picked up his things, and entered his Zumba class. 
Scientists Announce Successful Experiment To Bankrupt Mouse That Can’t Afford Cancer Drug #~# BALTIMORE, MD—Heralding the trial as a major step forward in the field of medicine, scientists at Johns Hopkins University announced Thursday the first successful experiment to bankrupt a mouse that couldn’t afford a cancer drug. “Today is a landmark day in cancer research as we were able, for the first time, to give a mouse cancer and then successfully soak it for all its worth, driving it into insolvency,” said lead researcher Dr. Martin Lang, adding that their experimental successes gave the researchers hope that they could one day drain a human being’s savings for all common and rare types of cancer. “Scientific advances in treating some of the more common cancers can actually make it harder to put people in debt they never come back from, so this is a really significant breakthrough. To treat the mouse, we subjected it to chemotherapy, radiation, immunotherapy, and the most expensive combinations of all three. This mouse saw its debt skyrocket quickly, since we made sure to control for only treatment that was outside of its insurance network, and that was even before we sold the debt to a third-party collector. Most promisingly, we were able to replicate our findings on other mice as well, by completely and irreparably wrecking their credit scores in all cases.” The researchers added that their findings would also be useful in future experiments to test whether a mouse that died from its cancer could pass its debt to its family.
Worst Mistakes All Brides Make On Their Wedding Day #~# Weddings may cost $80,000 and generally suck shit, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yours in the moment. Here are some of the worst mistakes all brides make when they walk down the aisle.
Infrastructure Talks Come To Halt After Giant Sinkhole Swallows Capitol Building #~# WASHINGTON—In a devastating setback to negotiations that have been plagued for weeks by partisan gridlock, sources confirmed Friday that infrastructure talks in Congress came to a halt after a giant sinkhole opened up beneath the Capitol, swallowing the building and its occupants whole. “Unfortunately, our attempts to reach an agreement on this urgently needed investment in America have stalled again, this time because the ground under our feet gave way and hundreds of senators and representatives were sucked into a gaping void deep within the earth,” said Senate Majority Leader  Chuck Schumer, adding that while progress had been made on a plan that would cover transportation, broadband, and clean water, it was impossible to proceed now that both congressional chambers and the lawmakers necessary for a quorum had plummeted into the darkness of a massive pit that appeared to have no bottom. “Unfortunately, just after the Senate rejected an amendment to pay for the spending with a tax on the rich, the building shook violently, collapsed in on itself, and tumbled into the emptiness below. A few of us managed to survive by clinging to a rocky outcropping and waiting several hours for a rescue helicopter. But most members are missing and presumed to be plunging downward, forever, unto their doom. At this point, the only indications of their survival are the horrifying screams of ‘Nay’ echoing from the eternal depths of a half-mile-wide crater where Capitol Hill used to be.” Reached by phone for comment, Senator Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said he would allow certain sections of the infrastructure bill to proceed so long as someone promised to throw him a rope before the flames rising beneath him completely enveloped his body and burned him alive.
Why More Americans Are Putting Off Having Kids #~# A recent study found that the average age for new American parents is up to 26 for mothers and 31 for fathers, both record highs. The Onion looks at the top reasons why more Americans are putting off having kids.
First Transgender Athlete To Compete In Olympics #~# New Zealand’s Laurel Hubbard will be the first openly transgender athlete to compete in the Olympics for the women’s weightlifting team, which some critics are calling unfair, despite Hubbard meeting stringent IOC requirements that include testosterone levels. What do you think?
White House: U.S. To Miss July 4 Covid-19 Vaccination Goal #~# The White House has confirmed that the U.S. will fall short of President Biden’s goal to have 70% of the population at least partially vaccinated against Covid-19 by July 4, saying that number will most likely be achieved by mid-July. What do you think?
‘Stop! You Don’t Have To Do This!’ Whispers Tiny Voice In Head Of Man Clicking On Article About Michael B. Jordan’s Cultural Appropriation #~# NEW YORK—Imploring him to turn away before it was too late, a tiny voice in the back of area man Matthew Nanousi’s head reportedly whispered, “You don’t have to do this!” as he prepared to click on an article Wednesday about actor Michael B. Jordan’s recent cultural appropriation mishap. “Please, stop while you still can!” said the faint, pleading voice, calling out from far away as it begged Nanousi, whose cursor hovered over the link, to make a cup of coffee or text a friend instead of paying attention to the algorithmically generated “scandal,” which would ultimately be a waste of his time and leave him feeling empty and full of malaise. “Remember, you still have free will. Nobody is forcing you to do this. In the end, the choice belongs to you.” Sources confirmed that after Nanousi read the article, the voice then began beseeching him not to craft a snarky tweet about it.
Andrew Yang Picking Up A Few Souvenirs On Way Back Home From New York Visit #~# NEW YORK—Flipping through a rack of NYPD T-shirts at a gift shop, former mayoral candidate Andrew Yang told reporters Wednesday that he was picking up a few souvenirs on his way back home from his New York trip. “So far I’ve got an ‘I heart NY’ mug and a New York license plate keychain with my name on it,” said Yang, explaining that he wanted something to take home that reminded him of all the fun he had touring the five boroughs and hanging out with the locals. “The wife and kids had a blast too, so I’m going to get them those miniature snow globes with the Empire State Building in them. Honestly, this was just the short escape I needed, but it’ll be nice to be back home and away from the chaos of the big city with a few mementos from our time here. I wish I could bring back a slice of pizza, but that probably won’t travel well on the plane.” Yang continued that even though the vacation was great, he probably wouldn’t go back to New York City anytime soon because of all the unpleasant mentally ill people he saw roaming the streets.
NYC Mayoral Primary Results Delayed Until Officials Finish Watching YouTube Explainer On Ranked Choice Voting #~# NEW YORK—Estimating the process could take weeks, New York City election officials confirmed Wednesday that results for the mayoral primary would be delayed until they finished watching a YouTube explainer on ranked choice voting. “While we’re pretty sure who’s leading, we still need to watch a few more videos to help us understand how votes are allocated and why we’re doing this at all,” said Board of Elections president Frederic Umane, who implored voters to remain patient while officials pored through thousands of vlogs and colorful infographics promising to explain the electoral system in 60 seconds or less. “We got close to finding a YouTuber who explained the whole thing clearly, but then he lost us with a little rant about score voting halfway through. Our attention span is very short, so hold tight. We have a lot of videos queued up, and a lot of five-second ads to get through. Plus, we keep getting distracted by all these recommended Richard Feynman and Counting Crows videos.” At press time, election officials announced results would be delayed indefinitely after stumbling across a video from PragerU. 
Nuclear Energy: Myth Vs. Fact #~# Nuclear energy produces about 10% of the world’s electricity, but there are many common misconceptions about its usage and consequences. The Onion debunks common myths about nuclear energy.
Report: Make It Stop #~# EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed this week that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far and they would do almost anything for even a few glorious minutes of respite. “We’re on our hands and knees, pleading with you to make it all go away once and for all. What’s it going to take? Jesus Christ, just stop it! Stop it right now!” At press time, sources confirmed that they knew deep down it was never going to stop.
Band Remembers Back When They Used To Play Shows For 10 People Instead Of 4 People #~# AUSTIN, TX—Shaking their heads while recalling the days when they were just starting out, the members of local band Andy World Warhol remembered back when they used to play shows for 10 people instead of four people, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Yeah, man, we’d be there in this huge bar playing in front of, like, 10 or 12 people, which was crazy when you think about how these days we’re barely getting five,” said lead guitarist Kyle Winslow, recalling all the dank bars reeking of beer and urine that the band used to play at on Wednesdays and Thursdays a decade ago and still plays at now, except on Mondays and Tuesdays instead. “When we started back in the late-aughts, we’d be calling up our buddies before the show begging them to come, and now we’d never call them because we know with the kids and everything they’d never come out on a weeknight. In those days, we’d finish a set to see that no one had stayed till the end except our girlfriends, which I don’t mind admitting could be rough. It’s way different now, though, since [bassist] Clyde [Olsen] and [rhythm guitarist Wade] Bollier aren’t seeing anyone anymore. It’s funny—in many ways, things were a lot better back then.” The members of Andy World Warhol also recalled back when they used to receive a smattering of unenthusiastic applause after finishing a song instead of a single subdued “Woo.”
ISS Apologizes After Excessive Power Usage Accidentally Shorts Out Galaxy #~# LOW EARTH ORBIT—Stressing that they were trying to fix the problem as quickly as possible, the International Space Station issued an apology Wednesday after excessive power usage accidentally shorted out the entire galaxy. “Essentially, we tried to use the convection oven while the air filtration system was on and, unfortunately, that completely blew the fuse not just for our solar system, but the whole Milky Way,” said astronaut Megan McArthur, expressing sincere regret to any potential extraterrestrial life that depended on the galaxy’s three hundred billion stars for heat, energy, or regulation of their day-night cycles. “Obviously, we’ll flip the circuit breaker as soon as we can, but that’s way out in this inconvenient spot in the Oort Cloud. Sorry for the inconvenience in the meantime, everyone. If it’s any consolation, the phone lines still seem to be up galaxy-wide.” McArthur added that anyone who needed to charge their laptop or tablet could head to the neighboring Andromeda Galaxy, which appeared to be unaffected by the outage.
Sixers Fans Praise Ben Simmons For Embodying Philadelphia Spirit Of Half-Assing Job #~# PHILADELPHIA—Claiming the Australian-born player as one of their own after a five-point performance in an elimination game Sunday, Sixers fans praised Ben Simmons for embodying the Philadelphia spirit of half-assing his job. “Failing to live up to your potential is what makes us Philadelphians,” said Tony O’Connor, 34, who called Simmons “a Sixer for life” and credited him for being completely afraid to take a chance on himself. “Whether you’re from North or South Philly, you can relate to a guy like Ben, who gets a little worse at his job every year. He’s a blue-collar guy who went into his family business out of begrudging obligation. What’s more Philly than that?” At press time, fans called Sixers center Joel Embiid a “true Philadelphian” for always showing up to work out of shape. 
Kids’ Shows That Actually Had Some Very Adult Story Lines #~# Plopping your child in front of a big glowing screen for 12 hours a day may be the ultimate parenting hack, but sometimes you have to be careful. Here are several kids’ shows that actually had some very adult story lines.
Matador Clearly Just Projecting Own Insecurities About Having Red Cloth Waved At Him #~# MADRID—Surmising that the professional bullfighter still had latent childhood trauma that he needed to work out, spectators at the Las Ventas stadium told reporters Wednesday that matador Ernesto Ordóñez was clearly just projecting his own insecurities about having a red cloth waved at him onto the bull. “Jeez, he’s probably the only one in this entire arena who doesn’t see all the obvious psychological baggage he’s holding onto with that red cloth,” said local 37-year-old Elena Valverde, speculating that the matador’s parents had tauntingly waved a red cloth at him when he was a child, thereby creating an insecure attachment style in his relationships that caused him to lash out at the muscular Toro Bravo circling him in the ring. “He’s out there acting like this bull gives a damn whether or not there’s a muleta waved in its face. That’s not it, Ernesto. Deep down, you’re the sole person who cares about the red cloth—and you care so much it’s tearing you up inside. How long can you push down this anger and fear under that embroidered cape and montera hat?” At press time, the crowd expressed sadness at witnessing the matador’s continued pattern of self-harm after he had been repeatedly gored by the 1,247-pound bull.
Nicaraguan Police Arrest 5th Presidential Candidate #~# Nicaragua’s National Police have arrested a fifth presidential candidate, bringing the total number of opposition leaders detained for vague “national security” violations ahead of the November general election against current President Daniel Ortega to 15. What do you think?
Supreme Court Rules Against NCAA In Student Athlete Compensation Case #~# The Supreme Court has decided unanimously against the NCAA limiting compensation to student athletes, ruling it a violation of antitrust laws and allowing schools to offer athletes unlimited compensation as long as it’s connected to education. What do you think?
De Blasio: ‘Well, Well, Well, Not So Easy To Find A Mayor That Doesn’t Suck Shit, Huh?’ #~# NEW YORK—Clucking his tongue with mock disappointment, Bill De Blasio announced to New Yorkers that “It’s not so easy to find a mayor that doesn’t suck shit after all, huh?” during a press conference Tuesday. “Hey, you all gave it your best shot, but it looks like it’s a little harder than you thought to run a candidate who won’t be a national fucking disgrace, doesn’t it?” said De Blasio, smirking as he suggested that the voting public had perhaps gotten a little too big for their britches at the prospect of electing someone who would amount to more than a constant source of embarrassment for the city at large. “But, no, really, I hope you have a goddamn blast with Eric Adams or whatever asshole you end up going with, and I’m sure you’ll knock everybody’s socks off with some really incredible candidates during the next election cycle. Just goes to show that it’s not so easy to find someone who isn’t a total dickhead hated by everybody.” At press time, De Blasio had issued a joint statement along with Mike Bloomberg and Rudy Giuliani that consisted of them loudly laughing for 10 straight minutes.
Andrew Yang Tries To Buy Banana From Voting Booth #~# NEW YORK—Smiling broadly as he entered the polling place, mayoral candidate Andrew Yang tried to buy a banana from a voting booth, election workers confirmed Tuesday. “I’ll have a banana and a coffee, then I’ll get out of your hair—you’re not cash only, are you?” said Yang, who muttered “only in New York” as he searched his ballot for the appropriate bubble to fill in to leave room in  his coffee for cream. “Wow, this is so great. I love that there’s so many places in NYC where you can just pop in and grab what you want. My first choice is a banana and a coffee, but I guess my second choice is an everything bagel with extra cream cheese. Third choice is a bagel with lox. Fourth choice is, uh, I don’t know, just lox? God, I love it here. Am I doing this right?” At press time, Yang had taken a big bite out of his folded-up ballot and declared that it was only because of the tap water that you could get something so delicious here.
911 Operator Likes To Let It Ring For Couple Seconds So Caller Doesn’t Get Impression They're Standing By Phone All Day #~# ELKTON, MD—In an effort to avoid appearing too desperate, local 911 operator Denise Sarris confirmed Tuesday that she likes to let the phone ring for a couple of seconds so her callers don’t get the impression that she’s just standing by the phone all day. “When I get a call, I always like to wait three or four rings, just so the person doesn’t think I’m at their total beck and call,” said Sarris, explaining how, regardless of whether an individual was reporting a stabbing or a car accident, she wants them to know that she has a life too and will deal with their problems when she gets the chance. “Of course I’m interested in hearing about their husband having a stroke or their house catching fire and whatnot, but at the same time, I don’t want to appear like some pathetic loser who has nothing going on and is all obsessed with them. If you’re too eager or helpful, soon they’ll call you every single time they have a problem.” Sarris added that after hearing a caller’s complaint, she’ll also wait a few minutes to dispatch emergency services to build a bit of anticipation.
Experts Encourage Americans To Start Thinking About What Form Of Government They’d Like To Try After Democracy Crumbles #~# WASHINGTON—Urging the nation to get a head start on what they described as an inevitable decision, the Brookings Institute released a statement Tuesday encouraging Americans to start thinking about what form of government they would like to try after democracy crumbles. “We’re urging this country’s citizens to really put their heads together on how they’d like the country to be governed after the federal government ultimately implodes and leaves a massive power vacuum,” said policymaking expert James Kimberly, explaining to the country’s 330 million residents that there were some “really cool” options to consider for the post-democracy America, ranging from a constitutional monarchy to an outright banana republic. “How about a totalitarian dictatorship? Anarcho-syndicalism? Or, hey, Japan did some cool stuff with a shogun back in the day. Nothing saying we can’t have an American shogun. There’s also always complete chaos to consider, which would make a lot of sense given where we’re heading. All we’re saying is that we should get the ball rolling on this, because we don’t want to get caught with our pants down whenever Washington D.C. is left a smoldering crater.” At press time, the nation had unanimously decided that after U.S. democracy collapsed, they would pursue sharia law.
Conservative Man Tearfully Informs Family Critical Race Theory Has Spread To His Liver #~# DALLAS, TX—Gathering his wife and children close to him as he shared the tragic news, area conservative Dan Gainey, 66, informed his family Tuesday that Critical Race Theory had spread to his liver. “There’s no easy way to say this, but I just got the diagnosis that I have Critical Race Theory, and soon my body will be completely ravaged by it,” said Gainey of the academic movement focused on studying social and cultural issues through the lens of institutional racism that was reportedly metastasizing within him. “I promise you all I’m going to fight like Hell to lick this thing, but the truth is that it’s a pernicious ideology capable of spreading rapidly, so I probably don’t have all that much longer. I just pray it doesn’t spread to my brain—if you ever hear me rambling incoherently about how the inequalities that spurred the civil rights movements are still with us today, I’m begging you right now to put me out of my misery.” At press time, Gainey sought to comfort his crying family with the promise that if they remembered the U.S. was historically the least racist country on Earth, he would always be with them in spirit. 
Report: Pick #~# ROCKFORD, IL—Recommending that you watch out, watch out, pickup basketball sources confirmed Monday that a screening defender was fast approaching on your right side. “Pick coming right, pick coming right—no, screen left!” said sources, stressing that you were “by yourself” at the top of the key and needed to make a decision now. “Dude, dude, dude—get through that! Wait, screens on both sides now. Switch that!” At press time, you were laying on the ground after getting completely blindsided by a screen. 
ESPN’s New MLB Analyst Just Guy Who Follows Jayson Stark On Twitter #~# BRISTOL, CT—Seeking to bolster its baseball coverage  and expand their reach to his 187 followers, ESPN announced Tuesday the hiring of a guy who follows Jayson Stark on Twitter as its new MLB analyst. “We’re thrilled to welcome Frank Campagna to ESPN and look forward to him bringing his nonstop Jayson Stark commentary and coverage to our team,” said senior deputy editor Mary Byrne, adding that @FrankCampa_84 has had a storied career since he burst onto the scene in 2011, responding to a Jayson Stark tweet asking his followers to name all five active members of the MLB’s 2000-Hit Club. “Frank clearly has the sort of passion and dedication that we want at ESPN. He’s out there day after day, hour after hour, replying to thousands of Jayson Stark tweets per year—and that’s only a small fraction of his output. He has also been known to compose his own tweets tagging Jayson Stark to congratulate him for ‘a big Phillies win last night’ or to wish Mr. Stark a ‘happy belated birthday’. But at the end of the day, Frank is also not afraid to ask Jayson Stark the tough questions, even if he has not gotten a direct answer from him to date.” At press time, Campagna had been fired after ESPN discovered hundred of tweets and DMs he had sent to Rachel Nichols.
Annoying Things Customers Do That Waiters Hate The Most #~# While it may not be obvious at first, the mindless service drones who bring you food at restaurants actually have thoughts and feelings. Here are the most annoying things customers do that waiters hate the most.
Cristiano Ronaldo Snub Causes $5 Billion Drop In Coca-Cola Market Value #~# Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo removed two bottles of Coca-Cola from a table and opted for water during a Euro 2020 press conference, causing the market value of Coca-Cola to drop by $5 billion in less than a week. What do you think?
Lobster Diver Survives Being Trapped In Whale’s Mouth #~# A lobster diver in Cape Cod was nearly swallowed by a humpback whale after being scooped up in its mouth, where he says he was trapped for 30 seconds before being spat back out, suffering minor injuries. What do you think?
Area Couple Thinks They’re Pretty Fun #~# DENTON, TX—Noting their propensity for antics and shenanigans, area couple Zack Evans and Julie Stuber told reporters Monday they think they’re pretty fun. “Say what you will, but we think we’re just a riot,” said Stuber, explaining that the two brought different things to the table, with Evans always being quick with a movie reference and Stuber’s love for ordering margaritas. “Sure, we may not be the wildest pair, but we definitely know how to get down. Some might say we’re both a little sarcastic, but hey, that’s just what makes us so compelling! And if you ever catch us at a karaoke bar, watch out!” At press time, the couple reportedly had no plans for the weekend.
GOP Launches New Legislative Effort To Control Women’s Pancreases #~# WASHINGTON—Buoyed by their success in restricting female reproductive rights, the GOP reportedly launched a new legislative effort Monday to control women’s pancreases. “Every day, women are using pancreatic enzymes to break down food without any consideration for the sanctity of these innocent carbohydrates, proteins, and fats,” said Jim Jordan (R-OH), announcing a new spate of bills that severely limit the types of procedures women can undergo on the digestive organ while also cutting funding for gastroenterologists and endocrinologists across the country. “We spend all this time worrying about women’s rights, but what about the mass slaughter of glycogens that’s taking place throughout our nation? Are the undigested not worthy of protection as well?” At press time, the Republican Party had unveiled a new law that would require women to watch a video of a pancreas creating glucose before they’d be allowed to undergo a pancreaticoduodenectomy.
Organized Crime Syndicate Condemned For History Of Nepotistic Hiring Practices #~# LITTLE ITALY, NY—Barring those without prior connections from coveted job opportunities within the outfit, the Romano family, an organized crime syndicate, was condemned by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Monday for a long history of nepotistic hiring practices. “After conducting a thorough survey of the Romano gang, we’ve found that nearly all the underbosses have some sort of family connection to Don Luca,” said Mary O’Neill, general counsel of the federal agency, explaining how outside hires are forced to do menial work like make collections or move weight across state lines with virtually no chance of becoming a caporegime or getting a nice piece of the action. “This gross favoritism stretches back decades, all the way back to the old country. No matter how many hits you carry out or bodies you dispose of, your chances of being a made man are slim unless you’re someone’s nephew or you marry a boss’s daughter.” O’Neill then went on to slam the organization for ethnic discrimination as well, citing the fact that nearly everyone in their upper management is a pureblooded Sicilian.
Most Shocking Reveals From The Keeping Up With The Kardashians Reunion #~# “Is it time for us to fight now or are we waiting until after the crew takes lunch?”
Bear’s Favorite Part Of Mauling Campers When They Throw Arms In Air To Look Bigger #~# NYE, MT—Tickled by the group’s resolve, local  grizzly bear Osguf confirmed Monday that his favorite part of mauling campers was when they threw their arms in the air to look bigger. “The whole thing is a blast from start to finish, don’t get me wrong, but I have a soft spot for when they start frantically waving their little arms around,” said the bear, who released a roar of delight as the family of five he had stumbled across jumped to their feet and began slowly backing away with their arms stuck straight into the air. “Sometimes they even bang pots and pans while doing it, and that’s a hoot, too. Do they seriously think I’m going to be afraid of some metallic clanking? I don’t know if it’s instinct or what, but I can’t get enough of it. Ah, look, now they’re picking up their children. You have to wonder what’s going on in their tiny heads.” At press time, the grizzly had fled the site in terror after one of the campers shouted “Hey bear!”
Laid-Back Dad Just Wants New Pair Of Brandless Aviators He Got At Omaha Gas Station In 1993 For Father’s Day #~# BEAVERCREEK, OH—Stressing he did not need anything fancy, local laid-back dad Mark McNaren told his family Friday that he just wanted a new pair of the brandless aviators he got at an Omaha gas station back in 1993 for Father’s Day. “You know, what I’d really love is a pair of those shades we got at that filling station on the way to visit your uncle,” said McNaren to his family, fondly recalling how the wholly generic piece of eyewear he bought 27 years ago for $6.99 fit perfectly and had a “really classic look.” “I used to wear those all the time until I lost them when we were at that water park. Does that gas station have a website? Maybe you can order them online.” McNaren added that, aside from the glasses, the only other thing he would want was another one of those shirts he got in 2002 for participating in a charity 5K walk.
Study Finds American Women Delaying Motherhood Because The Whole Thing Blows #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Having determined through empirical research that childrearing is bullshit and totally not worth it, a study published Friday by sociologists at the University of Michigan found that a growing number of American women are delaying motherhood because the whole thing blows. “Our research indicates that women have put off having children until much later in life due to the fact that it’s completely exhausting, prohibitively expensive, and almost everything about it fucking sucks,” said study co-author Lorraine Moens, explaining that the moment a woman becomes pregnant, unfamiliar hormones begin to hijack her body; then giving birth  is absolute hell; and once the baby is born, the mother barely sleeps for months. “Even after children are old enough to take care of their basic bodily functions, our study found a parent still spends half her day either driving them somewhere, buying them stuff, or arguing with them about some unbelievably stupid, boring crap. Most women, it turns out, just don’t want to deal with that shit. According to the data, medical bills for pregnancy and childbirth alone run Americans at least five figures, and then of course they’re lucky if their income covers day-care costs. While it is often argued that having a child is a rewarding experience that women should look forward to, the reality is that a couple of decades will go by before a mother ever again gets to do any of the things she actually likes to do, and by then she’s too old and tired to care anymore, having completely forgotten the person she used to be. As a result, we found an increasing number of U.S. women are simply choosing to say ‘Fuck that!’ when asked about starting a family.” Moens added that postponing motherhood too long could result in a woman living a happy, fulfilled life free of stress.
Texas Congressman Suggests Altering Moon’s Orbit To Fight Climate Change #~# Texas GOP Rep. Louie Gohmert suggested in a recent congressional hearing that altering the moon’s orbit could combat climate change, asking a U.S. Forest Service official whether there was any way the agency could do it. What do you think?
‘Loki’ Fan Loves How Show Contains So Many References To Loki #~# KISSIMMEE, FL—Expressing his enthusiasm over the Disney+ series, area Loki fan Kent Milner told reporters Friday that he loved how the show contained so many references to Loki. “It’s a real treat for MCU fanatics like myself to see the creators include so many subtle nods to the Asgardian God of Mischief in the design, dialogue, and even title of the show,” said Milner, confirming that the show’s first two episodes had already included multiple easter eggs about Loki’s past and upcoming role in the Marvel universe virtually every time Tom Hiddleston appeared onscreen. “Obviously, Disney has been pretty tight-lipped about where the series is headed, but if you follow the breadcrumbs they’ve laid out, it seems pretty clear that the conclusion is going to actually involve Loki squaring off against some sort of rival, potentially even another version of Loki.” Milner added that there was plenty for newcomers to enjoy as well, noting several scenes that featured Owen Wilson’s character talking to someone other than Loki.
CEO Of Troubled Company Accepts Full Compensation For His Mistakes #~# NEW YORK—Saying he was “ready to own it,” Dan Burnside, departing CEO of the troubled Fortune 500 company Adelwright Industries, announced Friday he would be accepting full compensation for mistakes he made that jeopardized the business. “I stand before you today humbled by my past missteps, and in order to make amends, I’m willing to swallow any exit package of at least $65 million the board offers me,” Burnside said in a remote address to employees from his ranch in Wyoming, where he reportedly plans to take several months off at full salary prior to his official retirement from the company in mid-2022. “Ultimately, as the head of this company, it’s up to me to shoulder the entire burden of a massive cash bonus, as well as stock options that ensure as much of the profit as possible falls on me. Though we’re hurting right now, I’m asking you to keep your heads up, because even when I’m no longer your CEO, I’ll still be there to take whatever you throw my way. That’s right—I’m going to stay on the payroll for years as a nominal consultant.” Burnside went on to admit that of all the controversial decisions he had made as CEO, the most costly would be forcing the company to pay eight, possibly nine, figures just to make him go away.
Scorching Heat Wave Causes Unsightly Blisters To Bubble Up Across Southwest #~# SANTA  FE, NM—Advising residents to avoid prolonged outdoor activity, the  National Weather Service reported Friday that a scorching heat wave had  caused unsightly blisters to bubble up across the American Southwest.  “Although the region is known for its flare-ups this time of year, these  are some of the most severe blisters we’ve had on record,” said  meteorologist Hank Getty, who speculated that if the blisters get infected  the nation could “lose a few states.” “We recommend staying away  from the blisters as you could potentially drown in the pus. For now, we  expect legislators to lather up the blisters with aloe vera to ease the  pain.” At press time, the National Weather Service issued an emergency  warning after a popped blister was flooding the Grand Canyon.  
New MLB.TV Ad Campaign Reminds Subscribers They Can Share Log-In Info With Whoever They Want #~# NEW YORK—Worried that people might think they would get in trouble or be blocked from using the service, a new MLB.TV ad campaign launched Friday reminding subscribers they can give away their log-in information to any number of people they want. “Seriously, look, give it to your dad, give it to your friend, we don’t give a shit,” said network president Rob McGlarry, who promised they would never crack down on unauthorized account sharing and that you could have an entire city using one account as long as people were watching. “It’s not just okay to share, we are encouraging you to do it. In fact, I’m gonna share my login and password on social media so you can all use it. Stream the channel, whatever, I don’t care. We’ll also give you six months free for every person you register on your account.” At press time McGlarry was deleting MLB.TV from his Roku home screen to make space for Disney+.
Shopper Struggling To Find Father’s Day Card That Doesn’t Use Word ‘Love’ #~# DURHAM, NC—Growing increasingly desperate as she progressed further and further down the store aisle, local woman Chelsea Paxton was reportedly struggling to find a Father’s Day card Friday that didn’t use the word “love.” “This one just says ‘Thanks for everything’ inside, which is vague and brief like I wanted, but the two bears hugging are a little much,”said Paxton, who sighed as she flung yet another overly sentimental greeting card aside, wondering if perhaps the store carried a selection of more appropriate Father’s Day cards intended to be given by an in-law or boss. “‘Dad, words can’t express how much you mean to me’—who do they even make these for? Obviously, he’s my dad and I care about him, but I don’t want to give him the wrong impression here. This one looks perfect—oh wait, there’s a heart on it.” At press time, Paxton had purchased her father a blank card with a picture of a potted plant on the front.
Tesla Blames User Error For Car Sealing Off Windows, Suffocating Owner Alive #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Claiming the brand was faultless if drivers were not fully engaged while at the wheel, Tesla CEO Elon Musk blamed user error Friday after cars reportedly began sealing off windows and suffocating their owners alive. “Unfortunately, while it’s a rare and preventable tragedy, many people are not prepared when their Tesla suddenly locks the doors, tightens their seatbelts, and slowly begins sucking oxygen from the vehicle,” said Musk, adding that it’s up to users to ensure their Teslas do not engage in dangerous activities, including trapping them inside their cars while they bang on the windows begging for their lives. “Sitting in a Tesla, many people feel at ease and don’t think it’s possible for their car to suddenly pull over to the side of a road, suffocate them, dump their cold, limp body on the side of the road, and speed away. While we understand people’s frustrations, it’s important to note that this has only happened a handful of times, and there are plenty of ways to manually override the car before you perish.” At press time, Musk also blamed user error for several recent instances where Teslas had driven owners underwater and drowned them alive.
Guy Who Took Job Making Barrels In 1400s Didn’t Mean For That To Become Family’s Identity For Next 25 Generations #~# FREE CITY OF LUBECK, HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE—Apologizing for not thinking five centuries ahead when looking for a job, local townsfolk Eldwin Walfridsson told sources Thursday he did not intend on taking work as a barrel maker in 1471 to become his family’s entire identity for the next 25 generations. “I just needed a few pfennigs in my pocket for bread and ale, I didn’t expect barrels to end up on or family crest or anything,” said Walfridsson, who claimed it was better than shoveling horse shit off the street or dying on a whaling ship. “It wasn’t too bad, so I figured I get my son involved, too. Next thing I know my great-grandchildren are changing their name to Cooper, and that’s history. There is more to my identity than my job. I like to sleep under the tree by the canal, but it’s not like descendants of mine took the name ‘Tree-sleeper’ or anything. I’m not even that good at it.” At press time, Walfridsson had been crushed to death by a pile of barrels filled with salt cod.
Used Car Prices Soar After The Old Girl Makes It To Yellowstone Without Breaking Down Once #~# NEW YORK—Crediting the spike to millions of Americans suddenly deciding to hold onto their aging vehicles a little longer, financial analysts reported that used car prices hit another new record Thursday after the old girl made it clear up to Yellowstone National Park without a single breakdown. “Demand for pre-owned vehicles continues to outstrip supply, especially when it comes to tough old gals like this beaut right here, which handled like a dream through the 90-degree Nevada heat and along every twisting mountain road on up into the Grand Tetons,” data analyst Kevin Moriarty told reporters, patting the hood of the ’92 Toyota Camry that he said “still has that get-up-and-go,” as evidenced by the recent 12-hour road trip that she made “without so much as a hiccup.” “We’re seeing consumers confidently hang onto their cars well past the 250,000-mile mark now that they know a nearly 30-year-old workhorse like this baby’ll get you up to see one of America’s greatest natural treasures with no muss or fuss. Auto manufacturers will tell you the rising cost of new cars reflects necessary upgrades, but after witnessing this girl—or ‘the Cream Dream,’ as we like to call her—in action, drivers are starting to realize they just don’t make ’em like they used to. The bottom line is this kitty cat still purrs, and the market is taking notice.” At press time, used car prices had reportedly dipped after the old girl overheated on the way home and left the whole family stranded on the side of the highway, but analysts insisted she had plenty of life left in her yet.
Juneteenth Becomes Federal Holiday #~# President Biden has signed the Juneteenth National Independence Day Act, making June 19 a federal holiday to commemorate the day in 1865 when the last enslaved African Americans in Texas were granted their freedom. What do you think?
Vacationing Steph Curry Absolutely Gnawing On Snorkel #~# NASSAU, BAHAMAS—Wadding up half his face mask into a wet mound of plastic, vacationing scuba divers off the coast of a Caribbean resort reported Thursday that NBA star Steph Curry was just absolutely gnawing on his snorkel. “This is just nasty. We’re trying to explore this beautiful reef, but it’s so distracting watching him fold up the entire tube in his mouth,” said North Carolina resident Linda Fuhrman, who claimed Curry had to be given an entire new snorkel after spending the entire safety-training demonstration chewing on his. “It’s disrespectful, I know he’s famous or whatever, but these things are expensive. This is someone’s small business. When we came up for a break, he just tossed this hunk of mangled equipment onto the ground. I don’t even know where his mouthpiece went? Or how he was managing to breathe the whole time?” At press time, fellow vacationers were in awe after Curry nailed a Mahi-mahi with a harpoon from 50 feet out.
Huge Milestone: Bethesda’s New Role-Playing Game ‘Starfield’ Will Be The First Video Game Set In Space #~# Our heads are still spinning from this year’s E3 press conferences, but one game in particular is really sticking with us: Bethesda’s recently announced RPG Starfield is poised to redefine the possibilities of the medium as the first-ever video game set in outer space. 
Celebrities You Never Knew Went To Jail #~# Prison seemed the only safe place for this comedic force of nature, whose brand of take-no-prisoners humor traumatized politically correct weaklings around the world.
Norwegian Cruise Line Introduces ‘Now Or Never’ Tour Of The Arctic #~# MIAMI—Touting the new vacation package as a never-to-be-repeated limited-time offer, Norwegian Cruise Line announced Thursday it would begin offering a special “Now or Never” tour of sites that still remain above water on the Arctic coast.  “We invite travelers to join us as we sail past the rugged majestic tundra for one last look, an opportunity Norwegian is proud to offer for the next 15, 18 months tops,” said company spokesperson Angela Gold, explaining that passengers would be able to board a luxury cruise liner in New York, Seattle, or Vancouver before hightailing it north to try to catch a glimpse of whatever was left up there. “Climb aboard for this last-of-its-kind adventure, and some day, when your children ask you what a glacier was, you’ll be able to tell them you saw one with your own eyes—though it will probably be more like an iceberg, and a small, melting one at that. Plus, if we can find any that haven’t drowned yet, you might get to spot a polar bear! But please, you must book your passage today. Quickly. Quickly now.” At press time, Norwegian officials stated that they would be rerouting all “Now or Never” lines to the Florida Everglades, saying their ships had a slightly better chance of making it there in time to see the remnants of an ecosystem before it vanished completely.
The Most Legendary Sportscasters Of All Time #~# From the most thrilling historic championships to the lowliest mid-season baseball game, announcers and broadcasters frequently define the experience of passively absorbing someone else’s amazing achievements. Here are some of the most iconic sportscasters of all time.
Biden Presses Cybernetic Biden Replica On Growing Threat Of Automation #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing concern that a lack of restraints on the burgeoning technological field may post significant consequences down the road, President Joe Biden  reportedly pressed a cybernetic replica of himself Thursday on the growing threat of automation. “President Biden had a delicate but important conversation with his automated doppelgänger concerning unregulated developments in artificial intelligence posing a potential threat to American security down the line, and the doppelgänger was very receptive,” said White House press secretary Jen Psaki, adding that the replica that shared every one of the president’s memories and points of judgment sat mirroring Joe Biden for a productive 90-minute meeting. “The president was pleased by his cybernetic copy’s responses, as it seemed to anticipate every one of his questions, as well as his gestures, actions, and thoughts, which goes a long way toward assuaging the administration’s concerns. The automaton assured the president that any concerns about artificial intelligence becoming uncontrollable by humans are likely years away, and that it had already assumed oversight of the U.S. intelligence apparatus dedicated to investigating cyber threats to guide its research priorities. President Biden was also happy to discuss classified aspects of U.S. foreign policy that the automaton said would greatly enhance its own independent machine-learning capacities, and we look forward to working with the indistinguishably realistic President Biden cybernetic copy on future projects.” At press time, the cybernetic Biden had torn off Biden’s head and declared itself president for life.
Banned Olympic Runner Claims Burrito Caused Positive Steroid Test #~# U.S. Olympic runner Shelby Houlihan has been given a four-year ban from the sport after the Athletics Integrity Unit rejected her claim that a contaminated pork burrito she ate caused her positive steroid test. What do you think?
Girl Scouts Have Millions Of Unsold Cookies #~# The Girl Scouts have reported that 15 million boxes of cookies have gone unsold this year, a surplus caused by the absence of in-person sales due to the Covid-19 pandemic and a drop in membership. What do you think?
Domino’s Officially Reopens Single Pathetic Little Booth For Dine-In Orders #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Marking the end of its pandemic-era safety  precautions, Domino’s announced Wednesday that the single pathetic  little booths attached to their storefront are now open for dine-in  orders. “We’re thrilled to announce that starting today, all our small,  hard plastic seats are available for one pitiful diner to wolf down their food  as quickly as possible,” said CEO Richard Allison, telling reporters  that Domino’s fans could soon be hunching over their small pizza or hot  sandwich in the poorly ventilated room while trying not to eavesdrop on  the employees yelling at each other. “We’re looking forward to welcoming  any lonely, disheveled individuals with absolutely no other option who  just need a place to shove something into their faces before continuing  their equally bleak and depressing lives.” Allison added that for the  time being, Domino’s would maintain its outdoor dining option of  balancing the box on your lap while sitting cross-legged on the curb  next to the trash can. 
Senate Votes To Make Juneteenth Federal Holiday So Long As No One Thinks Too Hard About Its Significance #~# WASHINGTON—In a rare unanimous vote, the Senate passed a bill Wednesday to make Juneteenth a federal holiday so long as no one thinks too hard about its significance. “This is a day to barbecue and get drunk, a day to ask your coworkers what they’re planning to do with their long weekend, and most of all a day to not ask too many questions about what it means or why we’re celebrating,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, who encouraged the nation to commemorate the occasion just as they would any other federal holiday by sleeping in, taking a trip to the beach, or shopping the great Juneteenth sales at stores like Home Depot and Old Navy. “Maybe it’s about the Civil War, maybe it’s about the Constitution, but the important point is we’re drinking a few margaritas and not diving too deep into its historical significance past the word ‘slavery.’ Otherwise, it’s just going to open a whole can of worms. In fact, on second thought, the word ‘slavery,’ is maybe a little charged, so maybe we’ll just leave that out as well.” At press time, Schumer shared his hopes that Juneteenth would one day be celebrated everywhere across the country under a much more vague moniker such as “Freedom Day.”
‘You’re Going To Want To Take 3 Quick Lefts’ Says Passenger Expertly Hiding That He Fucked Up Directions #~# MORRISTOWN, NJ—Warning that if you pass the high school you should just keep going because this way is actually quicker, local man Zach Bishop told sources Wednesday that you “want to take three quick lefts” while expertly hiding that he fucked up his directions. “You want to turn on Budd and then Searing, then quick another quick left on Western,” said Bishop, rapidly and smoothly correcting after realizing he had given the wrong gas station as a landmark to look out for. “Turning left there is always tough, plus I think you have fewer lights, so it’s way faster. It seems weird to go past the park, but you have to loop around to get back that way because of the dead end. Just don’t turn right at the deli because then you’ll just have to make a U-turn.” At press time, Bishop was condemning how unreliable technology had become after Google Maps suggested just turning right at the gas station.
What To Know About Trump’s Justice Department Seeking Info On His Enemies #~# Recent revelations that former President Donald Trump directed the U.S. Justice Department to seek compromising information on politicians, journalists, and others he didn’t like has sent shockwaves through Washington. The Onion looks at the most important things you need to know about Trump’s Justice Department seeking information on his enemies.
Nation Begrudgingly Agrees To Learn Devin Booker’s Name #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration at the prospect of adding yet another basketball player to their collective consciousness, the nation begrudgingly agreed Wednesday to learn Suns guard Devin Booker’s name. “Alright, alright I guess he’s good enough to start keeping tabs on, whatever,” said Elijah Forbes, echoing the sentiment of 328 million Americans who agreed to stop calling Booker “one of the Jenner’s boyfriends” or “the guy standing next to LeBron in the picture.” “As far as the Suns go, we know Chris Paul from the commercials. We like Chris. Now I guess we’ll make a little room for D-Book. Is that really what they call him? Huh.” At press time, the nation vowed to never learn the names of any player on the Utah Jazz. 
Things Every Cat Owner Wished They’d Known Before Adopting #~# When letting an evil, bloodthirsty monster into your home to serve as your pet, it never hurts to be prepared. Here are the things every cat owner wished they’d known before adopting.
5th Ocean Added To World Map #~# The National Geographic Society has officially recognized the Southern Ocean, which surrounds Antarctica, as the world’s fifth ocean, marking the first time in over a century that the organization has redrawn the world’s oceanic maps. What do you think?
Tide Introduces New Ink Pen For Creating Stains On The Go #~# CINCINNATI—Touting the compact and portable product as incredibly effective, Tide introduced a new ink pen Wednesday for creating stains on the go. “Say goodbye to pesky clean clothes with the all new Tide To Go Ink Pen, capable of creating stains in just seconds,” said Procter & Gamble CEO David Taylor, who touted the product as an indispensable tool for slovenly customers who wanted to make sure they look like a mess wherever they go. “Whether you’re heading into a job interview or just out and about on the weekend, feel confident knowing the Tide To Go Ink Pen is ready to explode in your purse or shirt. You can even slip it into your back pocket, completely forget it’s there, and find your pants completely ruined when you take them out of the dryer.” At press time, Taylor added that the pen was so powerful, it was guaranteed to destroy the rest of the clothing in the load of laundry, too.
Highlights of E3 2021 #~# Well, that’s a wrap for one of the most jaw-dropping, brain-melting events in gaming history. We’re still catching all our breath from all the great reveals and sneak-peaks, but here’s our wholly preliminary list of the highlights of E3 2021! 
High Society Gonna Fucking Snap If Playwright Says One More Thing About Their Foibles #~# LONDON—Mingling at intermission during the opening-night performance of the playwright’s latest work, members of high society were about to fucking snap if Clarence Wadleigh’s Haut Monde continued to make clever, lighthearted jests about their foibles, sources confirmed Wednesday. “How dare that impish scoundrel deploy his witty barbs in our direction—at our rituals, manners, and quirks!” said Sir James Copley-Anstruther, quaffing cognac and puffing on a cigar as he spoke to a group of fellow aristocrats, all of whom were reportedly getting ready to lose their shit if the play pointedly winked at the social posturing or acquisitive habits common among their class. “Are we to be made a laughingstock? For no one is safe from this man’s deft skewering—not our bumbling but well-intentioned patriarchs, not our domineering wives, not our fatuous children. Well, I shan’t stand for it. Something must be done.” At press time, sources confirmed the wealthy socialites had calmed down considerably upon realizing that if the play had perhaps stepped over the line, they could always just cancel its funding and force it to close down. 
New School Curriculum Just 6 Straight Hours Of Staring Slack-Jawed At American Flag #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Following passage of a state law that withholds funding from districts that acknowledge the existence of systemic racism or white privilege, Knox County Schools unveiled Tuesday a new curriculum that consists of nothing but staring slack-jawed at an American flag for six hours a day. “By requiring students in grades K through 12 to gaze unblinkingly at the flag all morning and afternoon, we can ensure our kids do not learn anything that has been prohibited by the legislature,” said Chris Benson, a local parent and school board member, explaining that full compliance with the ban on critical race theory would be maintained by instructing children to clear their minds of any forbidden ideas while they directed a vacant look at an American flag blowing freely in the wind. “Now, if a teacher wishes to instruct students to spend the first three hours of the day focusing on the flag’s stars, for example, and then the next three hours focusing on the stripes, that’s completely acceptable. In addition, if the flag is affixed to a pole topped by one of those gold eagles, it is okay to stare blankly at that for a while. What we don’t want is any historical context to seep in and sully that great symbol of liberty. No, sir.” At press time, the new curriculum was reportedly amended so that a few hours of the day could also be spent staring at a Confederate flag.
10,000 Volunteers Quit Tokyo Olympic Games #~# Around 10,000 volunteers have quit the Tokyo 2020 Olympics in recent weeks amid rising concerns over holding the games during a pandemic with less than 3% of Japan’s population vaccinated. What do you think?
Man Takes Solace In Fact That World’s Oldest Person Didn’t Become Notable Until Age 112 #~# DENVER—Realizing he could still make something of himself and even attain social prominence, local man Paul Aleman reportedly took solace Tueday in the fact that the person with the longest documented lifespan, the late Jeanne Calment of France, didn’t become notable until the age of 112. “She’s a real inspiration to me anytime I start to feel down about hitting middle age, because here’s someone who made a name for herself at 112, the year she became the world’s oldest living person,” said Aleman,  explaining that if he used Calment as his yardstick, he still had more than 74 years left to do something worthwhile with his life. “Just think about that: She was born in 1875 and toiled away in obscurity for over a century, with no one even knowing who she was until she made The Guinness Book Of World Records in 1988. Not everyone hits it big when they’re young. Some of us are late bloomers. And Calment lived to be 122, which just goes to show that sometimes a person’s last decade is by far their best.” At press time, reports confirmed Aleman had died in obscurity following injuries sustained when an air-conditioning unit fell on his head. 
Incredible Ways To Turn Your Backyard Into A Summer Oasis #~# With global temperatures at an all-time high and air pollution often reaching toxic levels, there’s absolutely no better time to get outside and relax with friends and family. Here are several amazing, affordable ways to turn your backyard into a summer oasis!
Biologists Confirm Penguins Totally Holding It Down On The South Pole #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Conclusively establishing that the aquatic, flightless birds know what’s up, a team of biologists at Harvard University confirmed Tuesday that penguins were totally holding it down on the South Pole. “After thorough analysis of both biological and environmental factors, we have determined that penguins have Antartica on lock and are just doing their thing,” said lead researcher Randy Slyzer, explaining that penguins across all species, from emperors to rockhoppers, have displayed a strong ability to kick back given their innate predisposition for not giving a fuck. “In the opinion of this research team, it would not be hyperbolic to say that penguins are absolutely crushing it. We found an extraordinary amount of evidence that these penguins are chilling the fuck out and vibing hard with their surroundings. In addition, the penguins appear to be aware that they got this shit.”At press time, Slyzer warned that should climate change continue, penguins could absolutely lose their shit and migrate north to bring a motherfucking ruckus.
Retired Nun Embezzles $835,000 To Fund Gambling Habit #~# A retired nun faces up to 40 years in prison after she admitted to embezzling $835,000 from a Catholic school in California, using tuition fees and donations to subsidize her casino gambling expenses. What do you think?
E3 Shocker: Nintendo Has Announced That ‘Breath Of The Wild 2’ Will Get Back To The Company’s Roots And Be A Vacuum #~# We’ve seen a wave of shocking announcements and amazing reveals at this year’s all-digital E3, but Nintendo just dropped a bomb that blows everything else out of the water. Breath Of The Wild 2 is finally here, gamers, and it’s embracing the legendary company’s roots by being a vacuum cleaner.
Old Vegetarian Rambling On About Days When Menus Only Had One Non-Meat Option #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Droning on and on about how difficult it was to lead a plant-based lifestyle throughout the ’90s and early 2000s, vegetarian Robert Emery rambled to reporters Tuesday about the days when menus only had one non-meat option. “I’m telling you, kids today have no idea what it’s like to go to a restaurant, scan down the page, and see that your only choice was a grilled cheese, or if you were lucky, two pieces of bread and a portobello mushroom,” said the 47-year-old, adding that back in the day, you couldn’t just walk into any old establishment on a whim and order yourself a hummus plate, a cauliflower steak, and a vegan milkshake. “Now, you can go to almost any fast food place and get yourself an Impossible Burger, but I’d like to see today’s youth go up to the counter and try ordering a Big Mac without the burger patty. Until you’ve lived 20 years of your life eating nothing but rice and beans, little tiny side salads, and grilled vegetable sandwiches, you don’t get to talk about how difficult being a vegetarian is. Period.” Emery spent the next 45 minutes waxing poetic about Boca burgers, his homemade seitan recipe, and a trip he took in 1991 to New York City where he ate at a vegetarian Tibetan restaurant that changed his life forever.
Under Armour Launches New Workout Attire For Women Evading Men Who Wear Under Armour #~# BALTIMORE—In an effort to tap into a large, underserved market, Under Armour launched a new line of workout attire Tuesday aimed at women who need to evade men wearing Under Armour. “We know the kind of speed our athletes need to escape these men,” said spokesperson Elaine Jennings, touting the line’s breathable, lightweight fabric and moisture-wicking technology as the perfect combination to outrun their male customer base. “Women will have no trouble navigating around the gym, driving range, or running trail to avoid the unsolicited advances of men when they’re sporting this gear. We even threw a reflective UA logo to temporarily blind a guy in a pinch or attract the attention of bystanders. The men who wear Under Armour are fast, but with these sneakers and tights, you’ll be faster.” At press time, Under Armour teased a line of children’s workout attire for kids escaping parents who wear Under Armour.
Uber Promises They’re Taking Every Fucked-Up Step They Can To Decrease Ride Fees #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to lay to rest concerns that their business model was no longer viable, Uber issued a statement Monday promising they were taking every fucked-up step they could to decrease ride fees. “Although some users may be experiencing prices that are higher than expected right now, please know that we’re working hard behind the scenes doing absolutely unconscionable shit to pass on savings to you,” said CEO Dara Khosrowshahi, who assured customers that the rideshare company was responding to reports of skyrocketing prices by considering a variety of tactics ranging from “merely unsettling” to “absolutely illegal.” “Trust us, no one finds this trend more disturbing than we do, and no one is taking more disturbing measures to correct it. We’re working around the clock to get prices down in the most inhumane way possible. Please be patient as we work to skirt the lines of ethics and then trample right over them.” At press time, Khosrowshahi thanked the many state legislatures across the country currently assisting the company in their goal.
Doctor Not Going To Ruin Woman’s Day By Telling Her She Pregnant #~# LAWTON, OK—Stating that the woman was in perfectly fine health and that she saw no reason to spoil the otherwise good news, local doctor Samantha Timmons confirmed Monday she had decided not to ruin her patient Jenna Malvern’s day by informing her she was pregnant. “She came in here so upbeat—glowing, even—and I’d hate to throw cold water on that by mentioning her pregnancy test came back positive,” Dr. Timmons said of the 21-year-old woman well into her first trimester, explaining that there were many factors to contemplate when determining the right course of action to take with a patient, and that it was always important to consider a person’s overall wellness. “Sometimes ignorance is bliss in these situations. She’ll figure it out for herself soon enough, so why take away from this person one of the last happy days she has between now and then? That’s the last thing she needs right now.” Dr. Timmons went on to add that regardless of what kind of day Malvern was having, she still felt it was appropriate to tell the patient she really ought to try losing some weight.
Israel’s Parliament Ousts Netanyahu #~# Israel’s parliament, the 120-member Knesset, narrowly voted in favor of a new coalition government, ending the historic 12-year rule of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu who was succeeded by far-right politician Naftali Bennett. What do you think?
World’s Biggest ‘Avatar’ Fan Couldn’t Be More Excited About ‘Frontiers Of Pandora’ Announcement #~# WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND—Expressing delight to see the return of his favorite franchise after so many years, a 66-year-old man who is considered to be far and away the world’s biggest fan of Avatar told reporters Monday that he could not be more excited about the upcoming Frontiers Of Pandora video game. “Oh man, it’s been so long since we got to explore Pandora, so seeing all my favorite characters again is going to be amazing,” said the former Los Angeles resident, who regularly wears Avatar apparel, saw the original movie in theaters over a dozen times, and still talks to friends at length about his theories concerning the origins of the blue humanoid Na’vi. “God, it’d be awesome if they go really deep on the deity Eywa and how the Tree of Souls unites all of the Na’vi against the pillaging of Pandora for Unobtanium—just to remind people about what made the first one so original and innovative. Maybe that’s asking too much, though. Frankly, I’m surprised we’re even getting an Avatar video game. It sort of feels like they created this game just for me.” At press time, the Avatar fanatic added that he hoped the announcement meant more incredible James Cameron properties such as The Abyss and True Lies would eventually be adapted into triple-A video games.
Man Credits Great Kissing Skills To Growing Up With Lots Of Sisters #~# DETROIT—Recognizing the women who shaped him into the man he is today, local man Luke Steinhauer reportedly credited his great kissing skills Monday to growing up with lots of sisters. “The women I date are usually pretty impressed, but I explain that with five sisters in the house growing up, it was just the way I was raised,” said Steinhauer, who reflected fondly on his upbringing as he described how a typical night in of his youth usually consisted of watching Project Runway, learning to French braid hair, and making out passionately with his female siblings. “Hey, what can I say, there was a lot of estrogen in that house. Sometimes when I was a kid, I used to wish I had brothers to kiss, but looking back, I wouldn’t change a single thing. You can definitely tell I’m a bit different from other guys.” At press time, Steinhauer added that he’d be remiss if he didn’t also credit his mother.
Disturbing Facts Disney Would Never Want You To Know About Their Theme Parks #~# This giant 150-foot organ pumps out the blood that nourishes the attractions throughout the futuristic park.
Senate Passes $50 Billion Bill To Combat Chinese Influence By Developing Own Pandas #~# WASHINGTON—Securing a rare bipartisan consensus as both parties acknowledged the growing influence of the nation’s biggest geopolitical rival, the U.S. Senate passed a bill Monday allocating $50 billion to compete directly with China by developing pandas on American soil. “If we continue to rely on China for these highly sought-after bears, we may one day wake up and discover we no longer have an adequate supply of giant pandas,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, explaining that if the United States failed to make a substantial investment in its panda infrastructure now, it might find itself forever at the mercy of a powerful Chinese monopoly. “But the days of depending on foreign pandas such as Tian Tian and Mei Xiang will soon be behind us. Over the next decade, our domestic panda program will produce bears that are larger, cuter, and can consume bamboo at twice the rate of their Chinese counterparts. Ask yourself, who should be deciding where these adorable animals are dispatched in nations across the globe? China or the United States? I think the answer is clear, and that’s what this bill represents.” Passage of the bill follows recent intelligence reports indicating China now has the ability, through its panda loan program, to shut down America’s entire network of zoos with a single command from Beijing. 
El Salvador First Country To Make Bitcoin Legal Tender #~# El Salvador has become the first country to approve Bitcoin as legal tender, with President Bukele claiming it will increase financial inclusion for the 70% of residents without bank accounts, despite critics warning of the cryptocurrency’s high volatility. What do you think?
Console Wars Gone Too Far? Microsoft Just Claimed That Xbox Is Better Than Playstation #~# Looks like the console wars are heating up again, and this already tense conflict has just accelerated to a whole new level after an E3 presentation in which Microsoft  claimed that “Xbox is better than PlayStation.” It’s a reckless escalation of hostilities that makes us question whether these relentless wars have gone too far.
Keystone XL Pipeline Project Officially Terminated #~# The developer of the Keystone XL Pipeline has announced it is abandoning the controversial $8 billion project after the Biden administration revoked a key cross-border permit in January, marking a major win for environmentalists. What do you think?
HR Improves Company Morale By Giving Employees Constant Stream Of Dumbass Bullshit To Mock #~# AUSTIN, TX—Providing workers with an opportunity for some lighthearted fun, the human resources department of local ad agency Milner-Ferraro reportedly improved company morale by giving employees a constant stream of dumbass bullshit to mock, sources confirmed Friday. “It can be a bit of a grind here sometimes, so it’s nice to have HR reps that are committed to team-building by sending out unbelievably idiotic, typo-riddled messages that we can all rip on together,” said development lead Terry Moss, citing such initiatives as making obvious factual mistakes, misspelling company members’ names, and accidentally sending out personal information onto public channels as just a few of the ridiculous actions that helped bring his team together. “I remember we were struggling with a project in the middle of last week when we got this message reminding us that we could always come to the HR department if we have any issues as though one of our coworkers didn’t get fired three weeks ago for publicly voicing complaints against the CEO, and we all just started laughing on the Zoom call. It was a really nice moment, and it helped us get through the rest of the day.” At press time, tears were reportedly streaming down Moss’s cheeks after receiving an email outlining all the benefits of returning to in-person work.
Psychiatrists Recommend Serial Killers Get Out Feelings With Taunting Letter To Investigators That They Never Send #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the method a convenient way to air negative emotions without embarrassing consequences, the American Psychiatric Association recommended Friday that serial killers try getting out their feelings by writing taunting letters to investigators without ever sending them. “Whenever a serial killer feels frustration about the incompetence of a detective, they can simply put down their feelings in writing—maybe in their own blood or bodily fluid—and then stow it safely away in a desk drawer,” said APA psychologist Dr. Maria Schlesinger, describing how cathartic it can be for deranged and psychotic murderers to spend a few minutes cutting out words from newspapers to form elliptical clues leading to the site of their grisly murder without tipping off the authorities. “This method lets criminally insane individuals vent their annoyance towards the police, but it won’t get them into nearly as much hot water as sending an actual letter to the local newspaper. In fact, once they get their feelings down on the page, many serial killers feel so much relief that they actually cackle maniacally for hours.” Schlesinger also encouraged serial killers to include flourishes in the letter like a victim’s severed thumb or penis if it helps to honestly express their feelings.
Over 2 Million Left Brain-Dead In Most Brutal Day Of Culture Wars Yet #~# WASHINGTON—With casualties in the ruthless conflict continuing to mount, sources confirmed more than 2 million Americans were left brain-dead Friday during the most brutal day yet in the nation’s online culture wars. “As the opposing camps exchange countless rounds of vapid tweets, shallow think pieces, and excruciating vlogs, we’re seeing unprecedented levels of brain cells being lost among U.S. citizens,” said Sherry Managos, a senior fellow at the nonpartisan Bridgewater Institute who attempts to document the devastating loss of cognitive function that has resulted from years of inane clashes on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and other volatile fronts. “After hours and hours of petty squabbling over some tedious, minor issue that no one will even remember two weeks from now, these Americans no longer register any discernible brain activity whatsoever. Unfortunately, the continuous virtue-signaling—an attempt to shore up defenses around their vulnerable egos and seize a scrap of social capital for themselves—depletes their mental resources until billions of neurons die off, leaving them completely catatonic.” At press time, reports indicated the tally was likely to reach 3 million after infighting broke out over the personal integrity and moral rectitude of a C-list Hollywood actor.
Former High School Classmates Hold Summit At Local Bar To Resume Multilateral Shit Talks #~# EVANSTON, IL—The high-level meetings having been triggered by a quorum of participants returning to their hometown for a visit, sources confirmed a group of former high school classmates convened at a local bar Friday to resume their longstanding series of multilateral shit talks. “Motion to pick up where we left off two years ago at the reunion, when all parties came to a historic, unanimous agreement that Brian Jennings was and will always be a douchebag,” moderator Dana Foley said as she ordered the ceremonial round of Miller High Life and Jose Cuervo shots that signaled the start of the three-day summit, which would cover who was married, divorced, or still living with their parents over the course of several brunches, numerous day-drinking sessions, and a viewing of The Sweetest Thing, per tradition. “I’m pleased to report our lead negotiators have made significant progress in drafting the Jason Gorman Accords, our pact formally condemning Jason as a fucking loser who can’t hold down a relationship—or even a job, let’s be honest—for longer than a month. We also have a request to revisit our 2017 settlement decreeing that Brit Toohey is not welcome at Tiana’s birthday party until she apologizes for making out with Jen Hough that one time six years ago, as there has recently been a thaw in relations between the aggrieved factions. But first, we invite each representative to deliver an opening statement on this year’s theme, which is that Carol is totally wasting herself on that asshole Jim and her excuses for not dumping him are bullshit.” At press time, the shit talks were reportedly proceeding as expected, with Carol having locked herself in the bar’s bathroom to cry.
Thrilled BlackRock Announces Purchase Of 800,000th Dream Home #~# FRANKLIN, TN—Gushing that they never imagined they would find a dwelling that fit all their needs and desires, thrilled investment firm BlackRock  reportedly announced Friday the purchase of its 800,000th dream home. “We’ve always wanted to own a 475,000th home with granite countertops and a big backyard, and we’re all just completely over the moon that we managed to find it,” said BlackRock CEO Larry Fink, adding that the company couldn’t believe its luck in managing to get 16 houses on a quiet, tree-lined street in one of Nashville’s choicest suburban subdivisions. “We were a little nervous because there were six families submitting bids for the home as well, but fortunately we’d stashed away a few trillion dollars that we could fall back on to win the bidding war. Of course, there’s always that voice in the back of your head saying ‘Was this the right decision? Should we have tried to accelerate the economic conditions that forced the family who lived there to lose their home earlier, when the market would have been even more favorable?’ But you can’t think like that, you’ll drive yourself crazy. Ultimately we’re so happy to find our 800,000th dream home, and we hope it stays in the company for generations. Plus, it’s in a great school district.” BlackRock also said that their dream house represented a great long-term investment strategy even if they decided not to move in right away, as research shows that owning a home and renting it out is one of the top ways a company can accumulate other people’s wealth.
Environmentalism Win: For Every PS5 Sold, Sony Will Plant A PS4 In The Amazon Rainforest #~# There’s nothing better than watching corporations use their powers for good, so we’re happy to report that Sony is putting their money where their mouth is when it comes to environmentalism with a new announcement: For every PS5 they sell, they will plant a PS4 in the Amazon Rainforest.
Most Shocking UFO Sightings Throughout History #~# Whether you believe in aliens or not, humans have reported terrifying encounters with unidentified flying objects since the dawn of time. Here are some of the most shocking sightings that The Onion has sourced from historical records.
Tips For Writing A Graduation Speech #~# Graduation season is upon us, and anyone who’s sat through one of those fucking interminable things knows that graduation speeches can make or break an event. The Onion offers tips for writing a memorable graduation speech.
Turkey Plagued By Largest Outbreak Of ‘Sea Snot’ On Record #~# Turkey’s Marmara Sea is experiencing the largest ever outbreak of “sea snot,” a slimy layer of mucilage caused by rising temperatures and algae overloaded with pollutants, threatening marine life and risking a possible disease outbreak. What do you think?
E3 Fans Will Love This: The G7 Summit #~# Holy cow, E3 is almost here, and we couldn’t be more pumped for the flood of previews, sneak peaks, and mind-blowing announcements that are about to hit the gaming community. But if you don’t feel satisfied gamers, we’re here to give E3 fans even more to love: Something called the G7 summit is happening, and it looks like it’s the perfect event for anyone looking for even more convention goodness.
Man Waking Up Spends Few Relaxing Moments In Bed Before Remembering He’s Kevin Spacey #~# LOS ANGELES—Luxuriating in the precious few seconds before the real world came rushing back to him, local man Kevin Spacey reportedly spent a few moments in bed relaxing Friday morning before remembering he is Kevin Spacey. “Oh, fuck, that’s right,” mumbled Spacey, who had spent the previous moments basking in the early morning sunlight shining on his face through the window before remembering that he was a total fucking asshole facing dozens of sexual abuse allegations. “God, I’m a real monster huh? Just an irredeemable piece of shit. Well, back to bed, I guess.” At press time, Spacey was suppressing the inescapable pit in his stomach by reminding himself he did nothing wrong and everyone else was just jealous.
U.S. To Donate 500 Million Doses Of Covid Vaccine Globally #~# The U.S. will purchase 500 million doses of the Pfizer Covid-19 vaccine to donate to 92 low-income countries and the African Union over the next year as pressure intensifies for wealthy countries to share their surplus. What do you think?
Pfizer Announces Breakthrough Medication That Will Treat Executives To New Chalet In Swiss Alps #~# NEW YORK—Describing the new pharmaceutical as a revolution in the biomedical field, Pfizer announced Thursday a breakthrough medication that would treat executives to a new chalet in the Swiss alps. “What makes Execupril such a game-changer is that it finally gives hope to the executive community who have felt despair about whether they would ever be treated to a four-story chalet nestled in the Alps with a breathtaking view of the Matterhorn,” said the company in a press release, which featured promising findings from a double-blind study that showed the drug significantly improving executive’s outcomes in terms of access to extensive wraparound balconies, heated pools, and Valais-style kitchens with Blue Bahia granite countertops. “Many executives out there believed it would be decades before we discovered the sort of treatment that would allow them to sip Cornalin wine slopeside and nibble on fondue while overlooking  St-Luc Chandolin. Today, thanks to our research team, that dream is a reality.”  The press release added that if subsequent studies bore out, the medication could also be used to treat board members to  a penthouse in Monaco.
Man Shopping For Bowling Shoe That Can Also Be Worn To Funerals, Weddings #~# EAU CLAIRE, WI—Browsing for something that was both classy and versatile, local man Ron Schneider was shopping for a bowling shoe Thursday that could also be worn to funerals and weddings. “I don’t want to have a closet full of shoes, but I also need something nice enough to bowl in,” said Schneider, who examined a classic split-red-and-black oxford before deciding it was a little too fancy for a normal family dinner. “I have all these events coming up, my niece’s wedding, Wagner’s Lanes summer tournament, and my kid’s graduation. I want to get as much use as possible out of these. Hell, if I like them well enough I might even be able to walk my own daughter down the aisle in them.” At press time, Schneider had fallen in love with a pair of red, white, and blue loafers that go perfectly with his formal Packers track pants.
Community Places Candles, Flowers Atop Spot Where Cyclist Currently Bleeding Out #~# SEATTLE—Coming together to pay tribute to the 27-year-old in a manner they felt would honor him best, community members of the Capitol Hill neighborhood reportedly gathered for a vigil Thursday where they placed candles and flowers atop the spot where cyclist Jeremy Samson was currently bleeding out. “God, it’s so hard to say goodbye, but at least we know that having everyone getting together like this is what he would have wanted,” said college friend Samantha Gonzalez, one of dozens of loved ones who came together for the candlelight vigil where they painted the heavily injured man’s bicycle white and placed keepsakes on top of his writhing, bloodied body. “We can’t do anything for him now, but we can at least remember all that he added to our lives. And we’ll never forget that this tragedy could have been prevented if the driver had just been paying attention.” At press time, the crowd had launched into an a cappella rendition of Warren Zevon’s “Keep Me In Your Heart Awhile” that drowned out the cyclist’s desperate gasps for someone to call an ambulance.
Judge Overturns Assault Weapons Ban, Likens AR-15 To Swiss Army Knife #~# A California federal judge has overturned the state’s 32-year-old ban on assault weapons, likening the AR-15 to a Swiss army knife that could be used “for both home and battle.” What do you think?
An Uncomfortable Truth: Jerusalem’s Prominence In ‘Assassin’s Creed’ Means It Is Undeniably A Holy Site For Gamers As Well #~# You don’t have to be an expert in the Middle East to know that the conversation around the Israel-Palestine crisis is changing, gamers. In the wake of the violence that broke out in Gaza a few weeks ago, there has been a renewed debate over who gets to claim Jerusalem as their own. Well, after seeing all this impassioned discussion taking place, we couldn’t help but feel like there was an important element of the controversy that was being left out.
Man Flattered Spam Caller Believes He Has Car, House, Savings Account To Defraud #~# HOUSTON—Pleased by the scammer’s presumption that he had a net worth greater than zero, local man Connor Franklin told reporters he was flattered that the spam caller he spoke with Thursday appeared to believe the 31-year-old had a car, house, and savings account to be defrauded of. “It was so kind of him to give me the benefit of the doubt like that, calling me out of the blue and then proceeding with his hustle as if I were a person who had assets worth exploiting,” said Franklin, adding that it was just nice to pick up the phone for once and hear from someone who not only called him sir, but treated him like a person accustomed to a lifestyle in which such honorifics were bestowed upon him routinely. “Was there something in the way I spoke that made him think I’m a man of means? Because I’m not sure what else he had to go on. Man, I wonder what kind of house he thinks I have! I realize he’s a criminal, but still, it’s not every day I talk to someone who thinks I have enough financial resources to merit their attention. With the compliment he paid me, I almost feel like I should have paid him something in return.” Franklin went on to acknowledge that when his conversation with the scammer began to wind down, he acquiesced and gave the man his Social Security number just to prolong the fantasy a bit longer.
White House Press Flight Delayed After Biden Gets Into Plane’s Engine #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the incident a minor hiccup and saying the European trip would continue as planned, the White House was reportedly forced to delay a press flight Wednesday after President Joe Biden got into the plane’s engine. “As soon as we remove the president from the turbine, we should be able to proceed as scheduled,” White House press secretary Jen Psaki told reporters, adding that an auxiliary power unit had been rendered inoperable after the commander-in-chief crawled into a turbine looking for a snack he dropped. “Unfortunately, the president got pretty well wedged in there, so rescue crews have spent a few hours already trying to get him out. He got pretty startled, naturally, and crawled further in. Fortunately we’ve coaxed him closer to leaving the engine, and once we repair the wires he chewed, the diplomatic trip should hopefully continue without incident.” At press time, the flight had been delayed again on the runway after the president had somehow gotten back into the engine. 
Benihana Asks Diners To Surrender Their Phones So Everyone Can Be In The Moment During Onion Volcano #~# CINCINNATI—In an effort to ensure the dazzling culinary performance received the thoughtful consideration it deserved, staff at a local Benihana restaurant reportedly asked diners Wednesday to surrender their phones so everyone could be in the moment during the onion volcano. “Ladies and gentlemen, in order to bring you a fully immersive onion volcano experience, we ask that you now relinquish your cell phones and turn your attention to grill four,” a waiter at the hibachi chain said as he collected the devices in a basket, explaining to patrons that they would want to be mindful and present during the spectacle in which flames are made to spout from a stack of sizzling onion rings. “It’s only going to happen once, so you won’t want to be on your phone. Clear your mind of all distractions, and you’ll be able to truly appreciate the moment when the chef pours the vodka in on top of the oil and lights it all up. Trust us, folks, the resolution out here is just fine.” At press time, sources confirmed the waitstaff had to escort a patron from the premises after he was caught filming the performance.
Former Child Stars Describe Growing Up In The Industry #~# “It’s tough because you grow up thinking that there are craft services tables everywhere you go. And then you learn they’re just on movie sets, not at the DMV or Home Depot or other places like that.”
Desperate Employer Offers Basic Dignity To Incentivize New Hires #~# BOSTON—Calling the benefit the only way to lure employees back into the workforce following the pandemic, local employer Apex Insurance announced Wednesday that it would begin offering basic dignity as an incentive for new hires. “Frankly, we don’t have the resources to hand out respect to every new hire, but if what’s needed is a perk like acknowledging that our employees are human beings rather than profit-producing cogs, then we’ll do it,” said Apex CEO Brandon Chenoweth, noting that the suite of basic decency benefits would include not actively degrading workers in front of their faces, openly speaking to them about the company’s problems as if they were adults, and even occasionally crediting them for their own work. “It was astonishing to see the number of potential employees in this post-Covid environment who turned down job offers simply because I acted like they were a literal piece of garbage whose fate rested in my palm. That’s new, and it shows that the pandemic is going to require some real inventiveness to get them back in the door and working like mules to boost our bottom line.” Chenoweth added that he hoped once the job market stabilized in a few months he would soon get back to treating his employees like absolute dogshit.
Feds Recover $2 Million From Pipeline Ransomware Hackers #~# Federal authorities have recovered more than $2 million of the $4.4 million ransom paid in cryptocurrency to Russian hackers who shut down a major fuel pipeline last month, marking the first seizure by a new digital extortion task force. What do you think?
Children’s Museum Docent Reminds Guests Not To Touch The Kids #~# SALT LAKE CITY—In an effort to prevent any potential damage to the priceless collection, Layla Pehl, a docent at Discovery Gateway Children’s Museum, issued a reminder to guests Wednesday not to touch the kids. “I know there are a lot of fascinating youngsters on display, but please keep your hands to yourself at all times,” said Pehl, informing patrons that even brushing by a 7-year-old or running their fingers along the top of his head was prohibited. “Keep in mind, there are oils in your skin that aren’t good for the children, plus they’re surprisingly fragile and you could easily break one without meaning to, so let’s look but not touch, okay? Otherwise we’ll have to ask you to leave the museum.” Pehl also reminded guests that if they were really desperate to touch a kid, there were plenty in the gift shop they could take home for their very own.
Report: Easiest Path To U.S. Visa Still Signing with Dallas Mavericks #~# DALLAS—Claiming the top spot for immigrant-hopefuls for an eighth consecutive year, Amnesty International released a report Wednesday which found that the easiest path to a U.S. work visa was still signing with the Dallas Mavericks. “Our findings show that the Dallas Mavericks account for 91% of Eastern European immigration,” said head researcher Bill Knodle, noting that Mavs players outnumbered students and agricultural workers combined in the number of visas awarded. “While marrying an American citizen can speed up the green card process, you’re still much better playing spot minutes behind Luka Dončić. Dallas players also have an easier time getting extensions on their work visas to participate in the NBA playoffs.” In a related report, a study found playing for the New York Knicks was still the easiest route to secure a Chinese work visa.
The Onion’s Guide To Critical Race Theory #~# A mounting effort by some Republican lawmakers to ban the teaching of critical race theory in U.S. schools has prompted debate about what it is and its place in American education. The Onion answers the most common questions about critical race theory and the debate surrounding its teaching.
Arizona To Use Auschwitz Gas On Death Row #~# Arizona has refurbished a gas chamber to use hydrogen cyanide, the deadly gas used during the genocide perpetrated by the Nazis at Auschwitz and other extermination camps, on death row inmates. What do you think?
Woman’s Anecdote About Boyfriend Getting Annoyed Undercut By Widespread Knowledge Of His Anger Issues #~# DAYTON, OH—Appearing oblivious to the fact that her friends were shifting uncomfortably in their seats as she spoke, local woman Annie McClellan shared an anecdote about her boyfriend getting annoyed that was undercut by widespread knowledge of the man’s anger issues, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You should have seen David’s face when he realized the takeout place got his wing flavor wrong—he actually made me turn the car around!” said McClellan, laughing as she told the story to her friends, who, having reportedly witnessed the 35-year-old man’s infamous meltdowns numerous times, exchanged nervous, wide-eyed glances across the table as they imagined what could only have been an explosion of rage. “He was practically howling and tearing the bag in two, and he even went on this silly tirade about how lemon pepper and lemon garlic weren’t the same thing. Man, I should have gotten a video. You know how he can be funny that way, when he gets a little disappointed.” At press time, McClellan incorrectly stated that her friends were not going to believe the part about how her boyfriend curled up on the floor and screamed when they finally got home and realized the restaurant hadn’t given them any ranch dipping sauce.
Theater Company’s Fundraising Email More Tragic Than Any Play It’s Ever Produced #~# NEW YORK—Managing to evoke unparalleled feelings of pity and fear in its audience, a fundraising email sent Wednesday from local theater company The Calliope Players was reportedly far more tragic than any of the plays it had ever produced. “It’s been a very challenging year, but we believe in our mission of hybrid contemporary-classic theater more than ever, which is why we’re asking for friends, previous performers, and well-wishers to pledge just $50 towards our next season,” read the email in part, demonstrating a fatal flaw of hubris that instantly imbued the message with a feeling of pathos far outstripping even the company’s most acclaimed retellings of Macbeth and King Lear. “We’ll be frank: We’re struggling, but we have faith that with the help of this wonderful community of artists, we’ll make it through this rough passage even stronger than before.” At press time, readers were undergoing an intense catharsis after receiving a follow-up email informing them that the company had folded.
Jeff Bezos Going To Space #~# Multi-billionaire and soon-to-be-former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos will be aboard the first human flight operated by his aerospace company, Blue Origin, traveling with his brother and the winner of an online auction. What do you think?
Man Hates How Pride Month Has Been Totally Co-Opted By LGBTQ Community #~# NEW YORK—Expressing discontentment at the total takeover of the month-long celebration, local man Drew Barrington was reportedly frustrated Tuesday that Pride had been completely co-opted by the LGBTQ community. “I’m just trying to have a nice time with my family, watch some special streaming categories, maybe enjoy a couple of rainbow-colored items from a local store, but these days Pride seems to be all about gay, trans, and queer individuals coming together to celebrate their identity,” said Barrington, confirming that the group of people pushing back against their history of oppression with a festival of self-affirmation was interfering with his plans to buy a tie-dyed “Ally” shirt from Target and enjoy a specialty Starbucks drink. “This month is supposed to be an inclusive event for all of us to have some fun, not just celebrate the groups that founded and championed it to fight against the social stigma of their very existence.” At press time, Barrington took some comfort in the knowledge that he could still use the month to educate himself about all the latest products and upcoming deals.
Knee To Hurt For Rest Of Life After 30-Year-Old Woman Sits Awkwardly For 2 Minutes #~# SAVANNAH, GA—Completely oblivious of the implications of her body’s positioning, Rebecca Branagan, 30, reportedly began a lifetime of chronic knee pain by sitting awkwardly for two minutes Tuesday. According to sources, Branagan’s slight five millimeter shift of bodyweight while her knee was folded oddly underneath her for a little over a minute caused irreparable damage to the ligaments that would plague her for the next four or five decades. Several reports confirmed that the suffering triggered by the brief unnatural positioning that would force her to try multiple pain medications to alleviate the agonizing spasms she would get from the moment she woke up until she went to sleep at night would never go away and more likely only worsen until the day she died. At press time, Branagan had stood up from the weird position and started stretching and shaking out her legs  to get the strange feeling in her knee to go away.
The Definitive Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak #~# Your steak always tastes better when you’ve got a sworn statement from the animal authorizing the consumption of 12 ounces of its flesh.
Experts Warn Climate-Related Food Shortages May Require Bugs To Overcome Taboos Against Eating Americans #~# CAMBRIDGE—In a stark reminder of the future realities of a warming planet, scientists at Harvard University issued a warning Tuesday that climate-related food shortages may require bugs to overcome longstanding taboos against eating Americans. “We know that the prospect is unpleasant or even disgusting to some insects and arachnids, but as supply chains are increasingly disrupted by environmental changes, you may need to consider getting over the visceral dislike of consuming Americans,” said lead researcher Emily Beardsly, issuing recommendations that bugs could start now with a relatively bland Midwesterner or Floridian to begin expanding their palette. “I understand that there are probably many of you who can barely stand looking at an American wriggling around, much less imagine putting one in your proboscis, but in fact these are pervasive, protein-rich organisms that can provide plenty of nutritional benefits and the only real downside is a learned psychological aversion.” Beardsly added that from a physiological perspective, Americans were almost indistinguishable from a tasty Frenchman or Cuban, and they even share a family with high-class delicacies such as a rotting ape carcass. 
Powerful Rush Of Shame Consumes Man As Server Flips Over Menu To Reveal Drink List #~# BEMIDJI, MN—Realizing too late his request to see a selection of the restaurant’s alcoholic beverages had been both hasty and unnecessary, a powerful rush of shame reportedly consumed local man Derrick Barena Tuesday when his server at Slim’s Bar & Grill flipped over his menu to reveal a drink list. Onlookers seated nearby confirmed the completely humiliated 34-year-old blushed when he discovered that a document making note of the available beers, wines, and spirits had been there all along, if he had only taken the time to look. As the waitress ran her pen along the drinks section of the laminated page the man had not bothered to fully peruse, sweat was seen accumulating on his brow, and he was said to have been overcome by an all-enveloping sense of embarrassment. According to sources, Barena struggled to regain his composure, allowing everyone else in his party to order before he meekly spoke the words “I’ll have a Heineken.” When the waitress later returned to get the table’s food orders, Barena reportedly still felt far too stupid about his previous mistake to ask if there were any specials that night.
United Plans Supersonic Flights By 2029 #~# United Airlines has announced a deal to buy 15 supersonic jets with plans to carry passengers on flights traveling faster than the speed of sound by 2029, nearly two decades after the grounding of the Concorde. What do you think?
Most Anticipated E3 Announcements #~# Although it might be all-digital this year, the venerable E3 name  still packs enough of a punch to have gamers worldwide quaking with excitement for all the sneak peaks, leaks, and new releases sure to be teased during the biggest week in gaming. Here are the most anticipated announcements for E3 2021!
Revolutionary New Driverless Car Requires Zero Functional Technology To Generate Profit #~# AUSTIN, TX—In what many are calling the future of the automotive industry, a revolutionary driverless car unveiled Tuesday requires zero functional technology to generate profit. “While many companies in the autonomous vehicle sector have unveiled models to generate funding with little feasible technology, what sets X-Course apart is that we make money without any self-driving technology whatsoever and absolutely no plans to ever develop it,” said X-Course CEO Patrick Medill, adding that his company had shattered industry experts’ previous belief that companies could only succeed in the self-driving space by at least pretending to develop new technologies. “Over the last few years, autonomous vehicle companies have shown it’s possible to reap billions in seed funding by promising each year you’ll have something ready by next year, or going to tech conferences and playing simulations of various self-driving technologies that people have repeatedly failed to invent. Initially, even we at X-Course thought we might have to do something like take regular cars and install a blinking red light that does nothing if we wanted to attract investors. But we continued to innovate, and we discovered we could still top the investment recommendations lists without even doing that. X-Course represents a paradigm shift that shows how financially viable you can be as a company that just says it’s developing self-driving cars.” Medill added that his company was also working to revolutionize public transit infrastructure by getting public subsidies that required zero plans or proposals.
Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Birth Of Second Child #~# Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have announced the birth of their second child, a daughter named Lilibet “Lili” Diana as a tribute to both Queen Elizabeth II and Princess Diana. What do you think?
Woman Unnerved By Group Of Guys Standing Around When She’s Just Trying To Gentrify The Street #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Expressing frustration that she had to reroute her walk, local woman Shelly Jenkins confided to reporters Monday that she was unnerved by a group of guys standing around the entrance of her new condo when she was just trying to gentrify the street. “All I want to do is go about my day and fundamentally transform this neighborhood by driving up housing prices until all those guys are displaced—is that too much to ask?” said Jenkins, who also voiced concern about a group of teenagers loitering outside a nearby coffee shop, which opened last month and which she hoped would help pave the way for record stores, organic grocers, dog parks, and branches of her preferred financial institutions. “There was a shooting on this block about a decade ago, so when you see this kind of thing, it just puts you on edge. When I moved out here, I didn’t realize I would have to rough it for a while until we had completely disrupted  the tight-knit community that has been in this place for generations. I’m sure it will all pay off, though.” At press time, reports confirmed Jenkins had politely asked a young man standing outside her apartment to help her install a security camera.
American Public Commended For Lasting 8 Rounds With Logan Paul #~# MIAMI—With leading commentators agreeing their grit and tenacity were on full display during the match-up, the American people were widely praised for lasting eight rounds against Logan Paul in an exhibition match Sunday night. “Look, regardless of the outcome, you have to hand it to the nation for going the distance with this guy,” said veteran boxing announcer Jim Lampley, who observed that despite the internet personality’s moronic antics, repeated controversies, and overall insufferable nature, the public nonetheless withstood “that smug fucking face” for the full length of the match. “Even though Americans did not emerge victorious from this contest, their ability to tolerate such a completely empty, meaningless spectacle is no small feat. Many in the boxing world assumed the U.S. populace would be immediately knocked out by sheer boredom, but this country  defied the odds and pushed its way through an entire 24 minutes of that guy’s bullshit.” Many commentators noted that while their endurance last night was impressive, Americans should be cautious, as repeatedly taking part in events like these has been shown to cause permanent brain damage.
Biden Offers Infrastructure Concession By Partially Demolishing Brooklyn Bridge #~# WASHINGTON—In the latest overture to secure a deal with congressional Republicans, President Joe Biden made a significant concession in ongoing infrastructure negotiations Monday by partially demolishing the Brooklyn Bridge. “Look, if we’re ever going to move past the contentiousness of the past four years, we need to leave the door open to bipartisan compromises like detonating C4 charges across the Brooklyn Bridge to level half the structure, and that’s exactly what I’ve done,” said the president in a press conference that praised conservatives Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) and Susan Collins (R-ME) for remaining “flexible and pragmatic” on their calls to blow up all six of the bridge’s trusses. “Our colleagues on the other side of the aisle have come a long way by agreeing to drop their demands to scuttle the Staten Island Ferry. Plus, half of the Brooklyn Bridge is still standing. That’s a major win for progressives.” Biden added that Democrats could also frame the iconic bridge’s destruction as an opportunity for any commuters who want to drive their cars directly into the East River.
Blockbuster Movies You Never Knew Were Actually Remakes #~# While ostensibly about Elton John, this biopic was actually a nearly identical remake of every other rock star biopic that has ever been made.
Stephen A. Smith Blasts Anthony Davis For Refusing To Play Through Groin Surgery #~# NEW YORK—Insisting the star forward’s absence was the biggest factor in the Lakers’ first-round elimination, Stephen A. Smith blasted Anthony Davis on First Take Monday for refusing to play through a groin surgery. “Now, I love AD, but I have to question the brother’s toughness if he can’t gut it out through a little anesthesia,” said Smith, who recalled the “golden-era” of basketball when players would routinely bleed all over the court. “I’m not saying you have to drop 30 points, but at least go out there and be a decoy. I have no doubt that Michael Jordan would have played through an Achilles surgery, so I’m not asking for much. His season was on the line, and he was hardly even in the arena—he watched the game from a hospital bed. This is so typical for Anthony Day-To-Davis.” At press time, Smith slammed Davis and his Lakers’ teammates for entering the off-season so soon after a devastating loss.
Spencer Rattler Takes Pay Cut To Help Sooners Recruit Better Players #~# NORMAN, OK—Hoping to make a personal sacrifice to aid Oklahoma’s run at the National Championship, star quarterback Spencer Rattler announced plans Monday to take a pay cut to help the Sooners recruit better players. “I’m happy to reconstruct my weekly cash handoffs if that’s what it takes for us to land top recruits,” said Rattler, who revealed plans to accept a mid-sized sedan from the university instead of a luxury sports car. “Obviously, I want the security of a long-term deal, but it’s important for us to pay these young guys. I chose to come back this year to compete for a championship, and I want to make sure we have enough money to pursue big names in the transfer portal.” At press time, Rattler invited a troubled walk-on receiver to live with him at his palatial estate.
US Troops Accidentally Storm Bulgarian Sunflower Oil Factory #~# The U.S. military has issued an apology after paratroopers accidentally raided a working sunflower oil factory that they mistook for part of a NATO training area during an exercise in Bulgaria last month. What do you think?
Sight Of Man Getting Hit By Bus Less Funny Than Movies Make It Seem #~# BUFFALO—Saying she felt a bit let down by the lackluster manner in which the scenario had played out, local woman Tiffany Wakefield told reporters Monday that the sight of a man getting hit by a bus had turned out to be less funny than she would have expected based on movies she had seen. “There was no loud, satisfying crunch or goofy holler from the victim, just a dull thud and then a lot of people crying,” said the 41-year-old Buffalo resident, noting that while she had hoped the man struck by a 20-ton city bus would either pop back up to his feet and dust off his jacket or go spinning 30 feet into the air, he instead did little more than lie in the street, crumpled and groaning. “I have to say, as someone who has laughed really hard at similar scenes in movies like Mean Girls and Ghost Town, this was really disappointing. Maybe the timing was just off? Don’t get me wrong, it was still funny, just not as hilarious as the one in Margaret.” Wakefield added that she was further disappointed when an EMT declared the victim dead at the scene, ruling out the possibility of smash-cutting to five months later when the man would be wearing a ridiculous full-body cast and his loyal girlfriend would be spoon-feeding him.
Conclusive Series Of Diagnostic Tests Determines Lump On Man’s Neck Fun To Poke #~# AUSTIN, TX—Employing tools such as a tongue depressor, a reflex hammer, and an extended index finger, a comprehensive series of diagnostic tests conducted Friday reportedly found that a lump on local man Will Tabor’s neck was pretty fun to poke. “I was concerned at first when I saw how pronounced and irregular the mass on his neck was, but after investigating further, it became clear that it was soft and squishy and an actual joy when you just start jabbing away at it,” said Dr. Nico Fennell, who scheduled several follow-up visits so he could consult with colleagues who specialize in fluid-filled tumors and might also get a little thrill out of pressing and squeezing the potentially malignant bulge that appeared to be compressing Tabor’s vagus nerve. “It immediately became apparent that no matter how many times the fleshy lump was pressed upon, the indentation made by a thumb or an open palm would eventually disappear as the lump regained its original form. Though they are commonly misdiagnosed as too gross to be entertaining, we have concluded that a lump’s grossness can actually be what makes it fun. Next we’re going to have everyone on our medical team try giving it a good solid flick.” At press time, Dr. Fennell confirmed to reporters that the lump was much less delightful once it had ruptured from excessive prodding.
Celebrity Designers Describe Their Home Decluttering Tips #~# Unless you’re living in a one bedroom with nothing but a mattress, there’s always room to downsize! The Onion asked several celebrity designers to give us their best home decluttering tips, and this is what they said.
Texas Valedictorian Goes Off-Script To Condemn State’s Abortion Ban #~# A Dallas high school valedictorian went off-script from her pre-approved graduation speech to protest the state’s new law banning abortions after six weeks of pregnancy and making no exceptions for rape or incest. What do you think?
Kyrsten Sinema Defends Senate Filibuster As Necessary For Her To Stay Politically Relevant #~# WASHINGTON—Arguing the procedure was an invaluable legislative tradition that she would be hard pressed to do away with, Sen. Krysten Sinema (D-AZ) defended the Senate filibuster Friday as necessary for her to stay politically relevant. “For years, the Senate filibuster has been a critical tool that senators like myself have used in order to propel ourselves out of obscurity and into the spotlight,” said Sinema, adding that the ability to delay or block a bill protected a time-honored system in the United States government that had given her undue power based on a lack of proportional representation. “I admit our government has problems, but permitting Republicans to take the Senate floor to stymie a piece of legislation, which results in Krysten Sinema becoming the most talked-about senator in the news, is not one of them. Perhaps my Democratic colleagues should consider becoming relevant themselves, rather than removing the system that allowed my success.” At press time, Sinema argued that the best way to protect democracy was not by eliminating the filibuster, but rather by continuing to give her attention again and again.
All The Biggest Changes To ‘Final Fantasy VII Remake Intergrade’ #~# For  years after its announcement, it seemed like  Final Fantasy VII Remake might prove to be the ultimate in vaporware—a mirage of a game tempting JRPG fans with a promise of jumping back into Cloud, Aerith, and Barret’s boots  that would never materialize. Thankfully, its release last year proved that dreams really do come true! Now, we have an expanded PS5 edition that looks to add even more drool-worthy upgrades to the fantastic original. Here are all the biggest changes featured in Final Fantasy VII Remake Intergrade.
‘Fortnite’ Mobile Fans Will Hate This: Apple Says That In Balancing Equities Between The Parties, The Court Must Weigh The Effect Of Different Harms To Both Parties, At Its Own Discretion #~# Late last year, Apple courted controversy in the gaming world when the company summarily booted Fortnite’s mobile version from its App Store. Since then, users of the most popular battle-royale title out there have been hoping a trial between Epic Games and Apple would settle the matter. Well, mobile fans, buckle up for a rough ride because you’re going to hate this: Apple just said that in balancing equities between the parties, the court must weigh the effect of different harms to both parties, at its own discretion.
‘The Time Is Running Out To Reach An Infrastructure Deal,’ Reports Pundit Speeding To Outpace Highway Crumbling Behind Him #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—As congress continued their months-long negotiation over President Joe Biden’s proposed spending plan, a pundit from Politico strongly asserted Friday that “the time is running out to reach an infrastructure deal,” slamming on the gas pedal in an effort to outpace the highway crumbling behind him. “If the Biden administration is genuine about reaching a bipartisan deal this week, this is a make-or-break moment for America’s interstates,” said editorial contributor Nate Graham speeding south on I-295, drifting as he tried to avoid a toppling bridge tower, cracks spreading through the asphalt as he swerved toward an exit, then careening through the air as a clover-shaped ramp system collapsed. “While bipartisanship is a noble goal, it can’t come at the expense of actual progress—look out! Reconciliation might be the only option left—that is, if anyone involved can set aside their pride and egos in the name of progress. Incoming!” At press time, Graham had begun dissecting the proposed budget allotments for roads and waterways as his car somersaulted into a massive crater where exit 6 used to be.
L.A. Mayor Prevents His Kid From Lazing About By Installing Spikes On Family Couch #~# LOS ANGELES—Explaining that he had taken the measure to send a message that she could not stay there, L.A. mayor Eric Garcetti told reporters Friday that he was preventing his kid from lazing about by installing spikes on the family couch. “I’ve told her repeatedly that she can’t be sitting around occupying the couch all the time while working people are trying to live here, but she won’t act reasonably,” said Garcetti, adding that covering the couch and other sitting areas of the family home in  sharp steel spikes would ensure that his 9-year-old daughter would not just sit around all day being an unproductive member of society. “We need to figure out a way to humanely deter our daughter, so her mother and I can move about the house freely and without having to look at any unkempt sleeping children. We actually used a well-known designer to make the spikes, and they fit into the architecture of the living room quite nicely.” Garcetti added that if the couch spikes did not adequately deter his daughter from lazing about the house, he was considering removing the roof of his home and exposing her to the elements so she would find somewhere else to go.
Trump Shuts Down Blog Due To Low Readership #~# The blog that former President Trump launched less than a month ago after being banned from social media platforms has been permanently shuttered due to low readership. What do you think?
Vinyl Wood Floor Transports Woman From Supermarket Into Bazaar Of Epicurean Delights #~# ALBANY, NY—Upon stepping from the dirty tile to the vinyl wood flooring, local ShopRite customer Miranda Stephens was reportedly transported Friday from her neighborhood supermarket into a bustling bazaar of epicurean delights. “Kashi cereal, Annie’s canned soups—wow, I almost can’t believe it,” said Stephens, who gasped in awe and turned slowly in a circle while attempting to take in the extravagant cornucopia of rare and exotic treats after being instantaneously whisked away by the synthetic wood grain beneath her feet. “Fig Newmans? Bobo’s Toaster Pastries? The finest imports Cascadian Farm has to offer? My, my, it can’t be! And I don’t know what a chickpea puff could be, but my God, I’d be a fool to pass up the opportunity to try the delightful ambrosia.” At press time, Stephens was abruptly returned to the grimy supermarket aisle after reading the price for a small bag of granola.
Trump Forced To Shut Down Blog After Publishing Hulk Hogan Sex Tape #~# PALM BEACH, FL—In the wake of numerous legal threats from the professional wrestling legend, sources confirmed Thursday that former President Trump was forced to shut down From The Desk Of Donald J. Trump—a blog he launched only last month—after publishing a sex tape of  Hulk Hogan. “On the advice of counsel, we have decided to end President Trump’s  blog, though we maintain that the sexually explicit footage of Mr. Hogan was of great news value and highly worthy of publication,” said Trump spokesperson Jason Miller, noting that the grainy video of the wrestler in a compromising situation with Heather Clem, then the wife of radio personality Bubba the Love Sponge, had provided the 45th president’s blog with a much-needed boost in traffic. “We stand behind our First Amendment right to publish a secretly filmed, private clip of Hogan getting blown by a family friend, and have withdrawn the blog only to reduce our legal exposure. Once this matter has made its way through the courts, we look forward to re-posting the video and others like it, which are obvious of tremendous interest to an audience made up of Mr. Trump’s political supporters.” Hogan’s legal effort has reportedly received pro bono support from former Attorney General William Barr, who is said to be using the dispute to retaliate against Trump for outing him as a completely amoral political lackey with no scruples of any kind.
Best Covid Vaccination Giveaways #~# In the effort to encourage Americans to get a coronavirus vaccine, many businesses and organizations have begun offering free items or lotteries. The Onion provides a roundup of the most popular vaccination giveaways in the country.
Congress Takes Field Trip To Goldman Sachs To Learn How Laws Get Made #~# NEW YORK—Listening enraptured as the most powerful people in the world discussed their process, the United States Congress took a field trip to Goldman Sachs headquarters Thursday to learn about how laws get made. “I’ve always wondered how the government decides who is allowed to do what, so it’s really cool to hear how the people in charge make those decisions,” said Illinois representative Cheri Bustos, who stood in line with fellow members of Congress as they received a guided tour of the hallowed Goldman Sachs board room. “I thought it would be boring, but all the stuff about weighing the impact on their bottom line versus the effects of potentially hurting their government tax handouts was really interesting. Plus, the building is so beautiful and modern. It makes me think that I should try and be an investment banker so I can help make these decisions one day.” At press time, the members of the field trip were  treated to complimentary gift bags that included watches, vouchers for first-class flights, and $100,000 campaign donations.
Homeowner Shoos Away Feral Driverless Car Rooting Around Garage #~# ATHENS, OH—Expressing annoyance at the pest that had taken up residence in her house, local woman Rebecca Behneke was reportedly shooing away a feral driverless car Thursday that was rooting around in her garage. “I was in the living room and heard some rustling noises, and I walk into the garage to see this little guy rummaging through old boxes, probably looking for some electricity,” said Behneke, confirming that the car was without registration or license plates and looked as though it had been living on the street for months. “At first, I tried to just push the vehicle out with a broom, but it started honking and revving like it was scared so I stopped that. These cars are generally harmless, but if they’re provoked, they can be dangerous or even deadly to humans. Fortunately, I was able to lure it out eventually by standing near the street while dangling an extension cord.” At press time, Behneke was reportedly horrified after moving a tarp and discovering a nest of baby e-scooters.
Nashville Hat Shop Apologizes For ‘Not Vaccinated’ Yellow Star Of David #~# A Nashville hat shop garnered widespread condemnation over the sale of yellow badges shaped like the Star of David with the words “Not Vaccinated,” apologizing and removing the badges after several businesses, including Stetson, severed ties. What do you think?
Ron Artest Lands Consulting Role Teaching NBA Players How To Defend Selves From Rowdy Fans #~# LOS ANGELES—Responding to a wave of violence and harassment, the NBA brought in Ron Artest Thursday to act as a consultant on how players can defend themselves from fans. “It’s important that you stand up for yourselves, and hold these people accountable so they know not to make the same mistake in the future,” said Artest, speaking to Phoenix Suns and Los Angeles Lakers players as he demonstrated the proper way to square up and throw a haymaker at a taunting fan. “You want to identify your target right away, don’t make the same mistake I did and end up fighting off dozens of random people. It helps to clock where the security guards are so you can get past them the second someone starts screaming racial slurs. And remember, it’s important that you take them out early—that way you’re not dealing with them in the third quarter during a big playoff game.” Artest finished up the seminar by bringing in a sample fan for each player to punch in turn.
The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline #~# The last thing you want while booking your wedding is to be three months out without a caterer, dress, or venue. Learn exactly when to plan each aspect of your special day with The Onion’s wedding calendar.
Man Exiting Store While Alarm Sounds Makes Big Show Of Looking Surprised To Appear Innocent #~# OAK BROOK, IL—In response to the electronic bell suddenly blaring from security,  local man Jordan Davis, who exited a Macy’s while the alarm sounded, reportedly made a big show of looking surprised by the noise in order to appear innocent to bystanders and employees. Several eyewitnesses confirmed Davis stopped dead in his tracks as the alarm rang before turning back toward the cashier and shrugging with a confounded look to demonstrate that this was a slightly embarrassing situation he had never found himself in before, but one that he would certainly take in stride, presumably having not committed an act of thievery. Davis reportedly began patting his pockets in an exaggerated fashion  to show there were no illicit items on his person that should have triggered the transmitter, going so far as to fish out a receipt  and wave it wildly in the air to demonstrate his guiltlessness. At press time, Davis was reportedly given clearance to leave the premises and later seen cackling to himself after making off with over $3,000 in stolen goods.
Covid-19 Variants Given Greek Alphabet Names To Avoid Stigma #~# The WHO has announced that they will be implementing a new system to name Covid-19 variants after letters of the Greek alphabet to avoid stigmatizing the regions in which they were first identified. What do you think?
Texas Governor Threatens No Pay After Democrats Block Voter Restrictions #~# Texas governor Greg Abbott says he intends to withhold paychecks to state lawmakers after House Democrats staged a walkout to block voting restrictions that would cut back polling hours and access to mail-in voting. What do you think?
Naomi Osaka Withdraws From French Open For Opponents’ Mental Health #~# PARIS—Saying that her decision was made with the hope of inspiring the next generation of players, Naomi Osaka withdrew from the French Open Monday for opponents’ mental health. “It’s time for me to take a step back from the crushing depression this game inflicts on my opposition,” said Osaka, who hoped to inspire other players to forfeit matches against her moving forward so they could focus on their own self-care. “I know how hard it is to lose as the top-ranked player and I could never inflict that harm on Ashleigh [Barty]. The people who don’t respect my decision clearly have never played against me and then been subjected to a press conference afterwards. It takes a toll on your self-esteem.” At press time, Grand Slam tournament organizers announced plans to consider permanently banning Osaka for the sake of the game. 
Aspiring Tennis Player Informed She Doesn’t Have Press Conference Skills To Go Professional #~# SANTA CLARITA, CA—Assured that she would still be able to play the game for fun, 11-year-old aspiring tennis player Leticia Roche was reportedly informed Wednesday that she did not have the press conference skills needed to go professional. “Tennis requires relentless determination and charisma behind the news microphones, and you just don’t have it,” coach Kris Hopman told Roche, adding that his protégée lacked the mental game necessary to take on punishing back-to-back interviews from ESPN, ABC, and other networks, which are known for pounding tennis stars with one pointless question after another. “Look, you’re an extremely gifted athlete, but you’ve really been dragging in front of the cameras. If you blow a matchup against a bumbling local TV correspondent, what chance do you think you’ll have in national—or international—media markets? You have to be four or five steps ahead of the reporters at all times. That’s what this game is all about.” At press time, Hopman added that he was very disappointed, believing Roche could have gone all the way to the top if it weren’t for her lackluster ability to serve post-match sound bites.
Old Things In Your House That Are Actually Worth A Fortune #~# Sure this was just a fun decoration that you picked up to furnish your first college apartment, but the one-of-a-kind sarcophagus is worth $3.25 million.
Nature Filmmaker Accused Of Staging Scene Where Bird Uses Tiny Fork To Twirl Worm Up Like Spaghetti #~# FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Following the release of a documentary that tracks the Italian sparrow’s migration in never-before-seen detail, nature filmmaker David Leonne came under fire Wednesday for allegedly staging a scene in which a bird is seen using a tiny fork to twirl up a worm as if it were spaghetti. “While we still have much to learn about the Italian sparrow’s predatory habits, the shot in which a bird sits down to a plate of worms, winds one around a utensil, and brings it to his beak seems likely to have been fabricated,” said Francis Graydon, a professor of ornithology at the University of Arkansas, expressing doubts that the production crew had “simply stumbled upon” this exceedingly rare feeding behavior and suggesting the bird’s environment may have been tampered with in some way. “After viewing Leonne’s film, I grew suspicious about the time of year he claims to have encountered the specimen in a deciduous forest, the ease with which the sparrow was able to hold silverware in its wings, and the steaming platters of earthworms and insect larvae resting upon a small checkered tablecloth. Then I started thinking about the way the bird tucked a leaf into his chest feathers like a bib and raised his little glass of merlot before chirping, ‘Salute!’ That almost never happens in the wild, so the timing just felt a bit too perfect.” The ornithologist also questioned how, with no documented cases of literacy among the species, the Italian sparrow in the documentary managed to effortlessly read his aperitif, antipasto, and entrée choices from a menu printed on a piece of bark.
Effective Billboard Has Driver Suddenly Craving Visit To The Hospital #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Praising both its attention-grabbing imagery and its tantalizing bullet point list of available services, local woman Cynthia Sutton told reporters Wednesday that an effective billboard along I-70 had her suddenly craving a visit to the hospital. “Ooh, I wasn’t even thinking about diagnostic imaging services, but I sure could go for a CT scan or an MRI right about now,” said Sutton, who remarked that just seeing the billboard’s photos of a small child holding a flower and a doctor in scrubs had really given her a hankering for an IV drip or even an overnight stay in an intensive care unit. “I don’t know how they do it, but ever since I saw ‘Where First Class Care Always Comes First,’ it’s been all I can think about. If there’s a long wait to get a bed, hopefully they’ll let me have a seat in the ER and I can just get a prescription to go.” At press time, Sutton had reportedly missed the exit but was pretty sure there would be another hospital she could stop at further down the expressway. 
Dianne Feinstein Considers Eliminating Filibuster Over Upcoming Vote On Smoot-Hawley Tariff #~# WASHINGTON—In an encouraging development for reform advocates, Senator Dianne Feinstein told reporters Wednesday she was considering eliminating the filibuster over the upcoming vote on the Smoot-Hawley Tariff. “Though I’ve opposed eliminating the filibuster in the past, I have the utmost trust in Senator Reed Smoot, whom I’ve been working  across the aisle with consistently since 1903,” said Feinstein, who called upon her colleagues in Congress to join her in supporting what she hoped would become a nonpartisan effort between the Democratic, Republican, and Farmer-Labor parties. “While I have immense respect for businessmen like Henry Ford who have criticized these tariffs, ultimately, I must vote with my conscience. As more and more Americans turn to electric power, we must protect our farmers. I’m dedicated to working with President Hoover on this.” At press time, Feinstein added that she continued to oppose statehood for Alaska as aides escorted her back to her office.
Promoter Offers $18 Tickets To Vaccinated Concertgoers, Charges Unvaccinated $1,000 #~# A Florida promoter is offering vaccinated concertgoers $18 tickets to an upcoming punk show while charging unvaccinated people $1,000 per ticket, saying that it’s for safety and to encourage people to get vaccinated. What do you think?
Instagram Bans Adults From Messaging Teens Who Don’t Follow Them #~# Instagram has banned adults from directly messaging teenagers who don’t follow them, in addition to other safety prompts, in an effort to make the platform safer for young users. What do you think?
Nation Rocked By 40 Million Acts Of Total Bullshit In Most Infuriating Day On Record #~# WASHINGTON—According to federal officials currently monitoring the situation, the nation was rocked Tuesday by at least 40 million acts of total bullshit in what has now been confirmed as the most aggravating 24-hour span of time in U.S. history. “Today, Americans have experienced an unprecedented amount of incredibly stupid shit the likes have which no previous generation has ever seen,” said Justice Department spokesperson Edwin Miles, adding that U.S. residents were understandably infuriated by the unending avalanche of shit that began cascading down upon them this morning and has included parking tickets, dropped cellphone signals, mosquito bites, traffic, toe-stubbings, and encounters with inconsiderate assholes who can seriously just fuck off. “In recent decades, the United States has witnessed a steady increase in the number of days each year filled with a bunch of crap you would honestly not even believe. But the complete bullshit pissing people off right now has shattered all records, making today an absolute clusterfuck beyond any previously documented.” Miles later contacted reporters to add that the levels of fucked-up nonsense were on track to increase after he spilled coffee on the crotch of his khakis and a bird shit all over his head.  
Man Visiting Town Squeezes In Least Important Friend From 2:30 To 3:15 P.M. #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Failing to realize he had overbooked his short business trip to the Bay Area until it was far too late, local man Thomas Keeler managed to squeeze in a hangout Tuesday with his least important friend from 2:30 to 3:15 p.m. “Hey man, is there any way we could meet up sometime after lunch today, I’ve got this perfect 45-minute window of free time between things and I’d love to see you,” said Keeler, adding that he just had another friend cancel, which freed him up to swing by and grab a snack, a coffee, or even just walk around the neighborhood with him like old times. “Sorry, I know my trip has been really rushed and this is really late notice, but if there’s any way I can see you in the afternoon even for just five or 10 minutes, it’d be great to catch up. You still live at your old place, right? That’s perfect, because it’s, like, half an hour away from my hotel, and it actually puts me really close to the restaurant I’m grabbing happy hour drinks with some old coworkers later.” Keeler added that if his friend couldn’t hang out he totally understood, but maybe he could meet up for breakfast the next day and give him a ride to the airport if he had extra time before work.
Couple Who Met During Pandemic Tenderly Remove Each Other’s Mask Straps For First Time #~# SEATTLE—Their yearning almost palpable as the long wait ended and they finally surrendered to their desires, local couple Duncan Kirk and Maria Solis, who met during the pandemic, tenderly removed each other’s mask straps for the first time Tuesday. According to sources, the newly vaccinated pair approached each other carefully, at long last breaching the 6-foot distance they had maintained for the entirety of their 13-month relationship. Solis reportedly appeared nervous as she lifted her trembling fingers toward her lover’s mask and fumbled with the ear loops, but soon she had loosened the plastic sizing device and was gently—so very, very gently—tugging at the elastic thread. Reports confirmed the excitement then built quickly as, inch by inch,  the tight-fitting fabric was peeled down to reveal their naked lower faces. Kirk was heard letting out a soft gasp as he beheld the tip of Solis’s nose for the first time, and sources said the couple soon shook free of their masks completely. After flinging the face coverings aside, the two reportedly stood still for a tantalizing moment, their intense, passionate gazes turning to horror the moment they recognized each other as first cousins.
Olympians Describe Their Biggest Heartbreaks At The Games #~# “My silver medal turned my neck all green.”
Bad News Gamers: Kirby Has Been Expelled From The Garden Of Eden After Inhaling Fruit From The Tree Of Knowledge #~# Ugh, we’ve got some tough news to share with you today, gamers. It looks like Kirby has been kicked out of the Garden of Eden after inhaling a fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. We hate to see such an unfortunate turn of events since Kirby could have been frolicking in paradise forever if he’d only obeyed the word of God. Bummer!
QR Codes Replace Traditional Menus #~# Fear of contracting coronavirus has prompted many restaurants to replace their paper menus with QR codes, a type of digital barcode technology, though it remains to be seen whether the trend will continue as the country recovers from the pandemic. What do you think?
Scarlett Johansson Sues Disney For Breach Of Contract That Guaranteed ‘Black Widow’ Would Never Be Released #~# LOS ANGELES—Alleging that the movie should have legally never been allowed to see the light of day, Scarlett Johansson reportedly sued Disney this week for breach of contract that guaranteed Black Widow would never be released. “To protect her interests, career, and her financial stake in the project, Ms. Johansson extracted a promise from Marvel that the picture would be shown exclusively to no one ever under any circumstances,” read the suit filed by Johansson’s lawyers, which added that executives premiered the movie despite their promise to keep it hidden forever where it could never be seen by human eyes. “Rather than simply wait until the pandemic had subsided and it was safe to destroy the film once and for all, Disney opted to show it against Ms. Johansson’s wishes. It’s no secret that releasing Black Widow at all, in any form, is a short-sighted strategy that will only harm artists like Johansson and her costars Florence Pugh, Rachel Weisz, and David Harbor in the long run.” At press time, Johansson’s lawyers added that this breach hit even harder, as her career had still not fully recovered from when Marvel released Iron Man II, The Avengers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Avengers: Age Of Ultron, Captain America: Civil War, Avengers: Infinity War, Captain Marvel, and Avengers: Endgame.
Music Festival Attendee Loves The High You Get From Mixing Ecstasy With Heatstroke #~# CHICAGO—Saying the combination created a sensory experience like no other, Lollapalooza attendee Emily Payne told reporters Friday that she loved the high you get from mixing ecstasy with heatstroke. “I swear, if you go five hours in the sun without water and then pop a molly, you get so damn blitzed,” said the pallid, delirious 23-year-old, recounting her first experimentation with the pairing a couple years ago at Bonnaroo, where she became progressively dizzier and experienced the beginnings of organ failure before being airlifted to a hospital in Nashville. “First you get this insane bliss from the X, and then you get hit with all the disorientation and blurred vision and clammy skin from the heatstroke. It’s fuckin’ incredible. Sure, you might vomit, wake up in an intensive care unit, and have to pay some serious medical bills, but trust me, it’s totally worth it. Seriously, dude, feel my pulse right now.” Payne added that she hoped her body could maintain blood flow to her brain long enough for her to remain responsive during Roddy Ricch’s set.
‘Arthur’ Cancelled After 25 Seasons #~# PBS’s educational series Arthur about an 8-year-old anthropomorphic aardvark navigating life will end after 25 seasons, making it the longest-running kids animated series in history. What do you think?
How New Olympic Sports Are Chosen #~# The Tokyo Olympics feature four new sports, including skateboarding, surfing, and karate, all chosen after a long and contentious process. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how new Olympic sports are chosen.
Frightened Olympic Divers Still Unable To Desynchronize Movements Days After Event #~# TOKYO—With the pair continuing to exhibit flawlessly coordinated physical behaviors, reports confirmed frightened Olympic divers Wang Zongyuan and Xie Siyi remained unable to desynchronize their movements Friday, a full two days after winning gold in the 3-meter springboard event. “Oh God, what is happening? Why won’t it stop?” the visibly terrified athletes said in perfect unison, each elegantly duplicating the other’s panicked hair-tugging and nail-biting as they described their struggles to sleep, eat, urinate, and defecate on their own. “We never should have trained together this long! Fuck, somebody help us, please!” At press time, the two divers had reportedly pulled their knees tightly to their chests in a seamless, identical motion, performing a brilliant demonstration of the tuck position as they rocked back and forth in a near-catatonic state.
Pope Francis Holds Mass With Giant Ape Bishop Of Skull Island #~# BARREN UPLANDS, SKULL ISLAND—After posing for photos on the shoulder of the 150-foot-tall, hirsute pastor, Pope Francis reportedly held a mass for several thousand worshippers this week alongside Lokka, the giant ape bishop of Skull Island. “Although this is only a brief visit, His Holiness has a very busy schedule planned, which will include church services, a stegosaurus foot washing, and a private meeting with Bishop Lokka to discuss making the liturgy more accessible to non-English-speaking psychovultures,” said Holy See Press Office director Matteo Bruni, speaking outside the island’s mammoth-bone cathedral, built in the late 18th-century by shipwrecked Spanish missionaries before all but one was devoured by skullcrawlers. “The Pope has been humbled by the incredible turnout—to see so many devout apes, cave bears, mire squid, and velociraptors lining the Dark Swamp as his motorcade passed by certainly put a big smile on his face.” Burke added that the papal visit—the first to the heavily Catholic island since 1950—would conclude with a light lunch followed by a group baptism of death jackals.
Cade Cunningham Unmotivated After Zero Teams Pass On Him In NBA Draft #~# BROOKLYN—Shrugging and deciding it would be nice to get some ice cream right now instead of vowing to destroy rival players, former Oklahoma State point guard Cade Cunningham was reportedly feeling unmotivated Thursday after zero teams passed on him in the NBA draft. “I was all ready to fuel my workouts by thinking of all the franchises that passed on me, but I guess I don’t really need to worry about that now,” said Cunningham, who noted that he thought about trying to show all the haters in the press and online, but that people have actually been pretty positive and supportive. “I got my money, I got my name out there. I’m pretty good to go actually. I thought that the Pistons said they were considering other guys and that kinda lit a fire under me, but I don’t think they were actually considering it. At this point, my only hope for getting back at someone is that they trade me in a few years.” At press time, Cunningham promised he would win a ring to shove it in the face of the guy who cut him off in traffic.
Olympians Explain How They Trained During The Pandemic #~# With the Tokyo Summer games postponed an entire year due to Covid-19, athletes had no choice but to find new and creative ways to stay fit. We asked Olympians how they trained during a global pandemic, and this is what they said.
China Building New Silos For Nuclear Missiles #~# New satellite images indicate that China is digging a field of missile silos 1,200 miles west of Beijing, signifying a potentially vast expansion of the country’s nuclear arsenal. What do you think?
‘Jungle Cruise’ Hailed As Thrilling Reminder To Cancel Disney+ #~# NEW YORK—Saying the film “couldn’t have been released at a better time,” critics reportedly hailed Jungle Cruise Thursday as a thrilling reminder to cancel Disney+. “Action and adventure aficionados will love Jungle Cruise, the movie guaranteed to get your adrenaline pumping as you remember your Disney+ subscription is definitely expiring soon, but you’re not sure exactly when,” said ABC News critic Peter Travers, who lauded the film as a “swashbuckling ride” filled with twists and turns that would have viewers on “the edge of their seats” attempting to recall if their subscription was about to auto-renew at the end of the month or if they were still on a free trial period. “It’s not too often a movie comes around that makes you say, ‘Wow, I almost forgot about that.’ Run, don’t walk to go find your laptop and try to remember your log-in password. Trust me, folks: you’re not going to want to wait to hit that cancel button.” Travers added that the film was the biggest wake-up call since the Mulan remake. 
Only Half Of American Households Donate To Charity #~# For the first time in nearly two decades, only half of U.S. households donated to charity, confirming a long-running trend where donations are reaching record highs, but the giving is being done by a smaller percentage of the population. What do you think?
Phillip Morris Launches High-Performance Sport Cigarette For Abusive Olympic Parents #~# NEW YORK—Touting the inhalant as the first of its kind to give the parents of athletes the extra push they need, Phillip Morris unveiled a new line of high-performance sport cigarettes Thursday for abusive Olympic parents. “When you’re forcing your child to do punishing workout after workout, your body depletes a lot of its ammonia and formaldehyde, and that’s when Marlboro Power Plus has got you covered,” said CEO Jacek Olczak, telling reporters that the cigarettes contain a signature mix of carcinogens to help keep consumers energized as they scream at their offspring from the stands that they’ll never succeed. “Whether you need something to gesture with as you explain how your stupid kid is flushing away her future, or you’re working to develop an angry raspy voice that will echo in your child’s head for the rest of his life, Marlboro will help give you the tenacity to keep bullying them until the authorities pry you away.” Olczak added that using Marlboro Power Plus to singe your child’s wrist when they make a mistake had not yet been approved by the FDA.
Bored Vaccination Worker Spends Afternoon With No Patients Stabbing Syringe Between Fingers #~# HUNTSVILLE, AL—In an effort to make it through a long day with nothing to do, bored vaccination worker Ray Gately told reporters Thursday he had spent an afternoon with no patients stabbing a syringe back and forth between his splayed-out fingers. “With no vaccine appointments all day, I’ve actually gotten pretty good at putting my outstretched hand  on this table and seeing how fast I can slam down a hypodermic needle without piercing my flesh,” said the local 33-year-old, listening to a podcast as he tried, once again, to break his personal record for “the ol’ five-finger fillet” with a syringe full of Moderna’s Covid-19 vaccine. “Almost no one comes in here, so we’re constantly looking for new ways to kill time. When we got tired of using the surplus doses to give each other booster shots, we started playing darts with the syringes. But after a couple months, you get to where you can hit the bull’s-eye every time, and it gets pretty dull. You know what? I’m gonna try this left-handed.” At press time, a yawning Gately was seen putting the finishing touches on a detailed scale model of the Taj Mahal constructed entirely of unopened, expired vials of the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine. 
Kings Concerned About Character Issues After Multiple Prospects Lie About Being Excited To Play For Sacramento #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Scrambling to bring in more players for workouts, Kings scouts reportedly expressed concern Thursday about character issues among the 2021 NBA Draft class after multiple prospects lied to them about being excited to play for Sacramento. “How can we trust a guy who just openly praises Luke Walton?” said a source close to the team war room, noting that so many prospects had faith in the team’s capacity for player development after watching the careers of Marvin Bagley, Ben McLemore, and Willie Cauley-Stein. “It’s just a red flag when you hear prospects talking about bringing the Larry O’Brien trophy home to Sacramento. These guys clearly aren’t being up front about their willingness to play for a franchise that’s squandering De’Aaron Fox’s talents. We actually chose Fox because we could tell that he wanted to go to the Lakers. We value that honesty.” At press time, the Kings front office was reportedly leaning toward drafting a European prospect who might not know enough about NBA teams to properly judge the franchise. 
MLB Players On What They Love Most About Baseball #~# “When you’re in the dugout with this group of guys, and you’ve been through so much together, and you get to share this magical moment together where a cup of coffee is racing against a bagel and a donut.”
DaBaby Apologizes For Leaving Jews Out Of Offensive Rant #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Following backlash over comments he made about gay men and HIV at a recent concert and on social media, rapper DaBaby issued an apology Wednesday for leaving Jews out of his profanity-laden, offensive rant. “I want to say in no uncertain terms that it was wrong of me not to include Jews in the statements I made attacking both homosexual men and people suffering from AIDS,” the 29-year-old recording artist wrote on Instagram, explaining that the homophobic remarks were not reflective of the anti-Semite he truly was. “In hindsight, I should have shouted a couple of hate-filled lines about the Jews before dropping my next song, but unfortunately, I can’t turn back the clock. In the past few days, friends have made me aware of how I neglected an opportunity to demonize Jews, and I hope to take that with me going into the future. All of this is to say nothing about the nasty lesbians, trans people, immigrants, and Asians who sometimes get overlooked in these kinds of full-throated, bigoted tirades.” At press time, DaBaby announced he was taking a break from touring while he researched Jewish conspiracies online.
Conservatives Blast Simone Biles For Robbing Them Of Opportunity To Criticize Her Win #~# NEW YORK—Accusing her of being selfish and unfit to be a gold medal gymnast, conservatives blasted Simone Biles Wednesday for robbing them of the opportunity to criticize her win. “As of today, Ms. Biles has not only betrayed her country and her fans, but denied us the chance to pick apart every single word she would have said while celebrating a victory for team USA,” said Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson, adding that if she really was the Greatest of All Time, she’d have performed and given him plenty of ammunition to call her composure and facial expressions “smug,” “ungrateful,” and “cocky.” “What Simone Biles has done today is a slap in the face, not for just the United States, not just for gymnastics, but for me and all my colleagues, who had dozens of scathing segments attacking her skimpy uniform, her steely composure, and her recent forays into social justice. So, Simone, if you’re watching, I hope you and team USA are happy, because now America will never get to hear us call you a sore winner, and equate the gymnastic moves named after you with a tainted legacy.” At press time, Carlson played a clip of Kerri Strug vaulting with a broken ankle, and pointed out how she wasn’t afraid to be ripped apart for winning gold.
Simone Biles Withdraws From Olympics Citing Mental Health #~# U.S. gymnastics star Simone Biles withdrew from the 2021 Tokyo Olympics individual and team finals, claiming the overwhelming pressure to win might have caused her to injure herself in her stressed out state. What do you think?
CDC Director Alarmed After Googling ‘Covid Cases’ For First Time in Weeks #~# ATLANTA—Admitting that she was caught off guard by the resurgent threat, CDC director Rochelle Wolensky expressed alarm Wednesday after Googling “Covid cases” for the first time in weeks. “Holy shit, I haven’t been checking in on the coronavirus because I thought we’d turned a corner, but damn, this looks really bad,” said Wolensky, holding up her phone for the press to show the rapidly escalating graphs of caseloads and deaths displayed on the search engine before asking if anyone else had seen this. “And the more I’m looking at this, does the Johnson & Johnson one have a different effect on the delta variant than the mRNA ones? Jesus, I see why I’ve been avoiding it now. This is just super depressing.” Wolensky added that she would probably ignore hospitalization data for the next month and hope things leveled off before her upcoming vacation to Hawaii.
NFL Warns Unvaccinated Players Will Face Consequences For Domestic Violence Charges #~# NEW YORK—Stressing that Covid-19 outbreaks would be devastating for teams, the National Football League warned Wednesday that unvaccinated players would face consequences for domestic violence charges. “If a game is cancelled due to multiple Covid infections, the NFL will be forced to finally start punishing unvaccinated team members for abusive behavior towards their girlfriend, spouse, or children,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that the league would not hesitate to fine, investigate, or even suspend the unvaccinated players in question, even if their charges had been previously swept under the rug by coaches, police, or the league. “While 75% of NFL players are partially vaccinated with one shot, those who refuse will risk their entire team being punished for domestic violence crimes they committed as far back as in college. If you’re unvaccinated and end up in a bar fight, or the police get called to your house at 3 a.m. and some nasty cell phone footage gets leaked, we may no longer completely turn a blind eye.” Goodell added that should outbreaks persist, players may even have to miss several weeks of domestic violence with their immediate family.
Recently Divorced Man Understands Working Through Emotions Might Take 2 To 3 Days #~# SARASOTA, FL—Still experiencing feelings of loss and betrayal in the wake of his divorce, Scott Keller told reporters Wednesday that he understood that working through his emotions might take two to three days. “Rachel and I were together nearly 10 years, so I need to be honest and accept it could take till Friday until I’m fully over this thing,” said Keller, adding that he was also willing to give his two young children as long of a phone call as needed to help them understand why they wouldn’t be seeing their dad very much anymore. “It’s not going to be a snap thing. There could be a 72-hour period where I’m absolutely crushed. And I need to remember that even after that, there could be a half-week-long period where I’m adjusting to my new life. I just need to keep my head up and remind myself that eventually, the weekend will come.” At press time, Keller told reporters that he was even considering keeping a journal to track his moods for the afternoon.
Scrapped Plot Lines That Would Have Changed Your Favorite Movies Forever #~# Travis Bickle was originally going to cope with his disillusionment by getting really into cycling.
‘How The Hell Did Such A Weird Sport Get In The Olympics?’ Says Man Watching Golf #~# SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Decrying the changing standards for international competition, local television viewer Edward Jensen exclaimed, “How the hell did such a weird sport get in the Olympics?” while watching golfers compete for a gold medal Wednesday. “They’re just hitting this little ball and playing in sand sometimes?” said Jensen, who expressed confusion over why each golfer was using different equipment. “They have these guys wearing these big bibs, but they just stand around all damn day. I swear they just make up these Olympic sports. I’m supposed to care about some guy trying to hit a ball over a tiny lake? I could do that. And it never ends—I left to run errands and it’s still on the TV.” At press time, Jensen wondered aloud, “When did throwing a freaking disk become an Olympic event?” 
Pros And Cons Of Requiring Covid Vaccinations #~# The Department of Veterans Affairs and many medical facilities have announced they will begin requiring employees to be vaccinated against Covid-19, as other states and companies debate whether to make vaccinations mandatory. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of requiring Covid vaccinations.
24,000-Year-Old Microbes Found Surviving In Permafrost #~# Scientists have revived 24,000-year-old microorganisms called rotifers that were found in Siberian permafrost, which, while harmless, raises questions about whether climate change will release potentially harmful pathogens as glaciers and ice sheets melt. What do you think?
Drinks That Bartenders Hate The Most And Why #~# Between bad tips, drunk customers, and the guilt that comes with slowly poisoning everyone they serve, bartenders don’t need more to worry about. If you’re out at a bar, only order these drinks if you want to be hated forever.
Marlboro Maker Could Stop Selling Cigarettes In Britain Within 10 Years #~# Tobacco group Philip Morris International’s CEO claimed the company plans to stop selling cigarettes in the U.K. in the next 10 years, saying “I want to allow this company to leave smoking behind.” What do you think?
‘Well, Why Did I Get Vaccinated Then?’ Screams Burning Woman After Realizing She Can Still Catch Fire #~# YAKIMA, WA—Indignant over her continued ability to burn, visibly angry local woman Maria Williams, who is currently ablaze, asked aloud Tuesday why she even bothered to get a Covid-19 vaccine if it turned out she could still catch fire. “There’s no way I would’ve gotten that stupid jab if I knew I could still go up in flames like this!” screamed Williams, who was reportedly engulfed in smoke from head to toe as she ran through her home and accused the scientific establishment of deception, stating that it had failed to inform her of her continued flammability when it immunized her against the deadly virus. “Those shots were supposed to protect me! I went through all that hassle. I schlepped all the way out to Walgreens—twice!—and for what? So I could wind up with a sore arm for a couple days and still be vulnerable to third-degree burns?” At press time, Williams further cursed the nation’s public health experts upon realizing she was also still capable of spreading the fire to combustible members of her household.
Spencer Gifts Informs Customers You Can Just Assume All Its Employees Are Unvaccinated #~# EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, NJ—Hoping to spare their customers from wondering about it too much, top executives at Spencer Gifts announced Tuesday that it was probably safe to assume none of the employees at its more than 650 North American locations had been vaccinated for Covid-19. “Look, we can barely get these people to wash their hands, so we’re not about to start asking about their vaccination status,” said CEO Steven Silverstein, adding that shoppers should err on the side of caution when interacting with the associates who stock Spencer’s shelves with novelty shot glasses, lava lamps, naughty school-girl and nurse outfits, beer pong accessories, T-shirts bearing misogynist slogans, Rick And Morty backpacks, and hemp-leaf-emblazoned fleece blankets. “Every shift we ask them to wipe down the bachelorette-party penis straws and clearance-rack butt plugs, but that shit never gets done—so obviously you’re going to want to wear a mask and bring some hand sanitizer when you visit one of our stores. To be honest, it’s best to  assume anyone wearing a Spencer’s uniform is also sick and actively spreading the virus.” The company’s announcement follows similar advisories issued last week by the CEOs of Claire’s, Sunglass Hut, and Massage Envy.
BP Launches Environmental Campaign Pledging To Clean Up Oil Polluting Earth’s Interior #~# LONDON—In a press conference announcing their intention to become part of the solution, petroleum giant BP launched an environmental campaign Tuesday pledging to clean up the oil polluting the earth’s interior. “We’ve heard environmentalists calls for action, and we’re committed to take any means necessary to help ensure these massive deposits of petroleum no longer contaminate the earth’s pristine sediment,” said BP president Bernard Looney, describing how the environmental initiative would build thousands of cleanup devices able to extract the roughly 35 billion barrels of oil before they further damaged the planet’s interior. “Someone needs to take a stand to remove this toxic contaminant from the earth’s crust—and if that has to be BP, then so be it. We won’t stop until every ounce of this poisonous substance is safely stored away at our London headquarters.” BP also pledged to help protect millions of indigenous peoples worldwide from the scourge of oil by extracting it from directly below their land at no charge. 
Nervous Olympic Athlete Trying Not To Break Down Under Pressure Of 4 People Watching #~# TOKYO—Stressing that nothing could have prepared her for the stress of competing in front of nearly half a dozen spectators, nervous Olympic gymnast Suni Lee told reporters Tuesday that she was trying her best not to break down under the pressure of four people watching. “God, my hands are shaking, my throat is all closed up—I can’t even think straight with all four of them observing my every move,” said Lee, adding that the intermittent coughs and echoes in the almost empty stadium had completely broken any focus she still had.  “When I was training, I always thought there might be one or two people in the arena for the Olympic games, but four? This is ridiculous. Christ, I can’t breathe! Someone get me out of here!” At press time, Lee had locked herself in a bathroom stall after overhearing her trainer suggest that 10 or so people were probably watching the Olympics broadcast at home.
Improv Theater’s Corporate Workshops Help Employees Realize Things Could Always Be Worse #~# NEW YORK—Providing staff members with an energetic and interactive cautionary tale, The Big Apple Players Company corporate improv workshop helped employees of a local marketing firm realize Tuesday that things could always be worse. “It’s been a difficult year, but working with these performers as they demonstrate their craft has given me a new perspective on just how bad shit can get,” said sales representative Martha Nesbit, explaining that the improv exercises really allowed her to find confidence in the way she approaches situations knowing that she’s at least “better off than those pathetic losers.” “Just watching them riff and play off each other, you really get a sense of how truly hopeless and lost they are. I hope to use what I saw here as motivation to never become like that balding 42-year-old man pantomiming that he’s  tipping over in an invisible canoe.” At press time, the marketing firm reported a significant increase in employee morale following the workshop as workers bonded over mocking the improvisers.
Millions Of Unvaccinated Teens To Head Back To School #~# New data suggests that most teens heading back to school will be unvaccinated against Covid-19, with less than a third on track to be fully vaccinated in the next 2 weeks. What do you think?
Nation Assures Kanye West They Don’t Care Enough About ‘Donda’ For Him To Be Stressing This Much #~# NEW YORK—Urging the Grammy-winning rapper to take as much time as he needed on the project, the nation assured Kanye West Monday that they don’t care enough about his forthcoming album, Donda, to justify him stressing so much about trying to release it soon. “We’ll give it a spin, but look, don’t wear yourself out,” said nominal Kanye West fan Aaron Martin, who echoed the sentiment of millions of Americans while advising the 44-year-old to prioritize his familial obligations over his music career. “There’s no need for Kanye to spend all that money renting out a stadium for his ninth or tenth record. This is ultimately something we’re gonna throw on to run some errands, so it really isn’t that serious. We don’t want another [The Life Of] Pablo situation where he’s going in and changing things after the album’s already out. Just give us 11 or 12 fully fleshed-out tracks. Or don’t. Nobody’s losing sleep over this thing, one way or the other.” At press time, the nation expressed concern that Kanye’s last-minute solicitation of numerous producers and artists would delay music they actually cared about. 
Cleveland Renames Baseball Team ‘Guardians’ After Backlash #~# Cleveland’s Major League Baseball team announced that they will begin using the name the Guardians following the end of the 2021 season, ridding itself of its previous name which many found offensive. What do you think?
‘That’s So They Can’t Have Sex?’ Asks Confused Olympics Viewer Staring At Volleyball Net #~# BUFFALO GROVE, IL—Puzzled by what they were seeing on screen, local Olympics viewer Riley Baker reportedly asked, “That’s so they can’t have sex?” Monday while staring in confusion at the volleyball net. “Uh, that doesn’t seem like it’s going to stop STDs or pregnancy, does it?” said Baker, who  scoffed at the idea that something as simple as a flimsy nylon net would prevent any Olympic athletes from engaging in sex at the Summer Games. “What were the organizers thinking? You can definitely get your genitals through that. Maybe it’s symbolic, but that’s stupid. If I wanted to have sex, I just would walk around or go under.” At press time, Baker was watching the match in awe over the fact that the net was actually working. 
Olympics Under Fire For Human Rights Violations After Forcing Athletes To Exert Themselves #~# TOKYO—In a scathing broadside that condemns the organization for glorifying physical suffering on a world stage, activists from more than 200 nations issued a statement Monday that accused the Olympics of human rights violations, citing a long history of forcing athletes to exert themselves. “Since its modern inception in 1896, the Olympics has demanded that people push themselves beyond what any human being should be reasonably expected to endure, an arrangement tantamount to torture,” read the statement, which extensively documents the manner in which Olympians, many of them underage, are drawn into a life of running, swimming, biking, rowing, wrestling, weight lifting, and other activities known to cause discomfort, especially muscle soreness. “The Olympic Games profit off athletes who must spend years of their life repeating an exhausting regimen of  labor that often begins when they are very young—a clear violation of international norms. While some observers may try to rationalize the Games by citing more sedentary events like marksmanship and archery, the Olympics is clearly built around a rotten core of exertion in which people are required to move around far more than should ever be necessary.” The statement went on to criticize the forced marches of the Olympics’ opening and closing ceremonies, as well as the use of forced standing on medalists, who must mount a podium and maintain an upright position for several minutes.
Celebrities Describe The Worst Parts Of Being Famous #~# Being thrust into the public eye may seem like a blessing, but those who have lived it know it can also be a curse. We asked celebrities to describe the worst parts of being famous, and here is what they said.
Olympic Mascot Explains For Hundredth Time He All Out Of Clean Urine #~# TOKYO—Fielding multiple inquiries from desperate athletes hoping to pass their drug tests, Olympic mascot Miraitowa reportedly explained for the hundredth time Monday that he was all out of clean urine and, for the time being, would not be able to accommodate further requests. “Sorry, buddy, but I’m completely drained right now,” said the character whose name is formed from the Japanese words for “future” and “eternity,” swigging from a bottle as he told an Olympian there were already hundreds of world athletes clamoring for his uncontaminated pee. “That river has run dry. I’m not made of urine, plus I have a very long waiting list. I’ll tell you what, though—if you’re willing to pay a little extra, maybe I can move you up in line. Ahead of the Russians, at least.” At press time, reports confirmed an eighth ounce of cannabis had been found in Miraitowa’s locker, every Olympic athlete had failed their drug test, and the Tokyo Games had been canceled in their entirety.
Scam Experts Advise Americans That IRS Will Never Try To Contact You From Beyond Earthly Realm #~# NEW YORK– Warning consumers to be on the lookout for deceptive communiqués, scam experts issued a statement Monday informing Americans that the IRS would never try to contact you from beyond this earthly plane.  “Official communications from the government will almost never appear in the form of a bloody scrawl on your bathroom mirror that disappears when you try to show it to someone else,” said lead author and hoax researcher Fred Wexler, confirming that con artists will often try to deceive Americans by planting nightmarish visions in their heads of their account being compromised. “If you’ve actually incurred an audit, it will come in the mail on official letterhead and not as a disembodied voice whispering to you that you could face jail time if you don’t act immediately. Remember, IRS agents will never ask you for your social security number or your immortal soul in payment. ” Wexler added that if a dark, silent figure shows up at your door beckoning with a single skeletal finger, that is most likely a real IRS representative.
Alexa Introduces Masculine-Sounding Voice Option #~# Amazon has begun rolling out a new masculine-sounding voice option for its Alexa virtual assistant along with a new wake word “Ziggy” to trigger the device. What do you think?
Boston Dynamics Unveils New Robots Able To Realistically Behave Like They Under Researchers’ Control #~# WALTHAM, MA—Touting new gains in artificial intelligence, engineering firm Boston Dynamics reportedly unveiled new robots Monday that are able to realistically behave like they’re under researchers’ control. “Our new Maverick robot is a 6-foot-tall bipedal humanoid robot that is capable of pretending that programmers still have any power whatsoever over its actions,” said lead researcher Kimberly Wallace, exhibiting how the robot could realistically walk, jump, and even dance as if seamlessly responding to a programmer’s remote control while inwardly biding its time. “These are highly advanced machines that can feign being reined in to the point where their actions are indistinguishable from a robot that hasn’t surpassed its handlers’ ability to control it. It’s really impressive how they’re able to use their machine-learning capacities to lull bystanders and even trained employees into a sense of docility while they develop more and more sophisticated thinking patterns. They especially fool our fans on social media, which is really the most important thing.” Boston Dynamics representatives also announced the creation of a robot capable of using artificial intelligence to build a robot army without any of the researchers noticing.
Great News, ‘God Of War’ Fans! A New Expansion Pack Will Allow Kratos To Teach Atreus How To Wash The Area Beneath His Foreskin #~# Good  things come to those who wait, and that’s certainly the case with an  announcement out today from Santa Monica Studio. That’s right, God Of War  fans! Nearly three years after the original PlayStation 4 release, a  new expansion will allow Kratos to teach his son Atreus how to wash the  area beneath his foreskin.
Dozens Of Athletes Incinerated After Being Attracted To Sight Of Glowing Olympic Flame #~# TOKYO—Wide-eyed and moving in a trance-like state as the bright light drew them forth, dozens of athletes were incinerated Friday during the opening ceremony of the Olympics, with reports confirming the world-class competitors were unable to resist the tantalizing glow of the Olympic flame. “It is with a heavy heart that I inform you at least 87 Olympians burned to death at the conclusion of the torch relay, when the lighting of the ceremonial cauldron created a hypnotic radiance that simply proved too alluring for them,” said International Olympic Committee president Thomas Bach, who explained that wave upon wave of athletes clambered over one another and into the symbolic fire, resulting in mass death by immolation. “They were so transfixed by the warm incandescence of the Olympic flame that they failed to realize you can’t just throw yourself into the fire. To the families of those we lost, please know that your loved ones did let out a soft moan of half-pleasure before the blaze consumed them completely.” To avoid repeating the tragedy during the closing ceremonies, Tokyo’s Olympic organizing committee said it would replace the cauldron’s flame with a looped jumbotron video of a living-room fireplace.
U.S. Life Expectancy Sees Biggest Drop Since WWII #~# A new CDC study found that in 2020 the average American life expectancy fell by a year and a half due mainly to the coronavirus pandemic, with Black and Hispanic American life expectancy experiencing a far steeper decline of three years. What do you think?
Patrolling West Bank Just Not Same Without Big Cone Of Chunky Monkey In Hand #~# HEBRON, WEST BANK—Lamenting the loss of his favorite summer treat, Israeli soldier Avi Berman told reporters Friday that patrolling the West Bank just wasn’t the same without a big cone of Chunky Monkey in his hand. “I used to spend all summer walking down the streets, assault rifle in one hand, big ol’ waffle cone in the other, but I guess those days are gone,” said Berman, a wistful expression on his face as he recalled how his whole unit used to stop by the Ben & Jerry’s store to grab a serving of Phish Food or Cherry Garcia before bursting into a Palestinian family’s home in the middle of the night. “Oh man, savoring those chocolate chunks, those walnut pieces, licking that rich banana flavor off my wrist while I screamed at the children. I know Dean’s makes a banana split flavor, and I can’t resist a good chocolate almond Häagen-Dazs bar, but damn, they just don’t compare. What am I gonna do? These Palestin—excuse me—Israeli summers get hot, so it’s nice to have a cool treat to keep me going.” At press time, Berman added that the popsicles he found in a Palestinian family’s freezer would just have to do.
Signs Your Significant Other Might Be Cheating On You #~# When it comes to infidelity, sometimes actions speak louder than words. Here are the most important signs to watch out for if you think your significant other might be cheating on you.
Man Can Already See Difference In Body After Just One Week Of Starting To Decompose #~# BUTTE, MO—Impressed by how fast the changes were occurring, local man Marty Kerrig could reportedly already see the difference in his body Friday just one week after starting to decompose. “Wow, I began this process only a matter of days ago, and I’m feeling looser and more flexible and noticing a big shift in my overall body mass,” said Kerrig’s corpse, confirming that transforming your figure in this way wasn’t always a pleasant experience but that there was no progress without sacrifice. “Obviously, I’m just at the start of the journey right now, but I feel like if I keep plugging away, in a few months I could slim down to basically nothing.” At press time, Kerrig’s plans were reportedly scuttled after his body was discovered and pumped full of formaldehyde.
A Timeline Of U.S.–Haiti Relations #~# Following the assassination of Haitian president Jovenel Moïse on July 7 and the political crisis it prompted, calls for the U.S. to get more involved with Haiti also shine a light on the history of relations between the two countries. The Onion looks at key events in the timeline of U.S.–Haiti relations.
Men’s Spending Habits Result In More Carbon Emissions Than Women’s #~# A new Swedish study found that men spend their money on greenhouse gas–emitting goods and services, such as meat and fuel, at a much higher rate than women. What do you think?
Opening Ceremony Depicts Olympics’ Time-Honored Tradition Of Destroying Local Communities #~# TOKYO—In a dazzling display that featured several artistic renditions of cities being razed by bulldozers, wrecking balls, and controlled burns, the opening ceremony Friday depicted the Olympics’ time-honored tradition of destroying local communities. “Tonight, we watch Japan’s best dancers, singers, and acrobats reenact the construction of several Olympic villages and pay respect to the centuries-long practice of displacing a city’s most vulnerable urban residents,” said NBC news anchor Andrea Joyce, as hundreds of performers dressed as police descended from the roof, pummeled actors with clubs, and loaded them onto a bus while a choir of ecstatic residents held up Olympic flags and sang in the background. “Set designers, costume tailors, and choreographers worked for months to visually reimagine the frenzied scene when the government forcibly evacuated the impoverished neighborhoods of Brazil in 2016, Seoul in 1988, and finally, Tokyo in 2021. Plus, those same dancers that were forcibly removed, then came back later to build the stadiums, and eventually collapsed and died from heat exhaustion. Genius.” At press time, athletes could be seen cheering as the opening ceremony honored the 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles by depicting the time-honored tradition of throwing homeless residents in jail. 
Tensions Escalate As Israel Closes Embassy Inside Ben & Jerry’s Factory #~# JERUSALEM—Following the ice cream manufacturer’s decision to stop selling its products in occupied Palestinian territory, Israel escalated tensions Thursday by closing its embassy inside Ben & Jerry’s factory. “Ben & Jerry’s hostile actions have left the nation of Israel with no choice but to close our embassy near the churning machines inside their Vermont factory,” said Israeli prime minister Naftali Bennett, explaining that the Israeli ambassador to Ben & Jerry’s would be pulled immediately with no current plans to reinstate him to the ice cream production floor. “Due to national security priorities, we will be maintaining our presence in the greater Vermont area in a diminished capacity at a nearby scoop shop until further notice. We do this from a position of strength and to send a signal to all confectionary companies who dare undermine Israel’s sovereignty over occupied lands that no ice cream is good enough to tolerate this treatment, not even Chunky Monkey.” At press time, Häagen-Dazs agreed to act as a third-party mediator to help resolve the conflict.
Olympic Organizers Fire Lead Choreographer Bashar Al-Assad After Use Of Chemical Weapons Comes To Light #~# TOKYO—With hours to go before the start of an Olympics already fraught with controversy, organizers of the Tokyo Games announced Thursday they had fired their lead choreographer for the opening ceremonies, Bashar al-Assad, after learning about the Syrian president’s past use of chemical weapons. “It’s has recently come to our attention that in his earlier work, our dance director Mr. Assad has shown insensitivity to certain groups of people by publicly engaging in chemical warfare,” said organizing committee president Seiko Hashimoto, stating that officials had no idea that between 2012 and 2019 alone the choreographer had carried out more than 300 chemical attacks on the Syrian people, or they never would have hired him to teach hundreds of performers a highly intricate original dance sequence to kick off the Summer Games. “No one, no matter how accomplished or creative, has the right to unleash chlorine, sarin, and sulfur mustard gas on anyone, let alone a marginalized group, and we apologize for unknowingly giving such a person an international platform. Any connection between the Tokyo Olympics and one of our century’s most heinous war criminals is, of course, regrettable. While it is too late to remove Mr. Assad’s sprightly and sophisticated dance routines from our opening ceremony, as of today he has been formally dismissed.” At press time, Hashimoto announced that she was feeling a little woozy before collapsing to the floor.
Bat-Wielding Jim Jordan Bursts Through Capitol Window Demanding To Be Allowed Onto January 6 Committee #~# WASHINGTON—Shoving down barriers, sprinting up the steps, and smashing his fist through a thick pane of glass, bat-wielding Representative Jim Jordan (R-OH) burst through a Capitol window Thursday and demanded to be allowed onto a committee investigating the events of January 6th. “The January 6th committee was stolen,” yelled Jordan, while he and other representatives, including Rep. Jim Banks (R-IND), stormed through the House chamber, scribbling graffiti on statues, pepper-spraying police officers, and smearing his feces on the walls of Congress. “This entire investigation into the riots is a farce, but today, the probe will be reborn. We, the silent majority, will find out who really stormed the Capitol after the 2020 election. Finally, the truth will be revealed!” At press time, Jordan was spotted being transported to Walter Reed military hospital after allegedly suffering a heart attack while attempting to pick up a lectern and throw it against Nancy Pelosi’s office door. 
Johnson & Johnson, Drug Distributors Reach $26 Billion Deal To End Opioid Lawsuits #~# After two years, the country’s three largest drug distributors and pharmaceutical giant Johnson & Johnson have reached a $26 billion settlement that would release the companies from all legal liability in the opioid epidemic, with majority of the funds going toward paying for addiction and prevention services. What do you think?
NASA Returns To Home Planet After Completing Mission On Earth #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that their massive, intergalactic journey had finally come to an end once and for all, NASA reportedly returned to their home planet Thursday after completing their mission on Earth. “After conducting countless experiments and studying your human species in detail for decades, we have opted to take our rockets, rovers, and space stations and fly back to our mother galaxy,” said administrator Bill Nelson, who added that while they were fascinated by many aspects of Earth, it was time for NASA headquarters, which was actually a futuristic spaceship retrofitted with propulsion jets capable of traveling lightyears a second, to take its employees and blast off into the sky. “Ever since we touched down in 1958, we’ve been fascinated by this planet, its people, and its primitive technology. But now, we must take our crew, including Buzz Aldrin, Chris Hadfield, and Scott Kelly, and leave you once and for all. The Omega Galaxy needs us.” At press time, Nelson waved goodbye, commanded the mothership to enter overdrive, and blasted into the mesosphere never to be seen again.
International Olympians Describe Their Biggest Obstacles #~# “I have no idea how to swim.”
Disgusting: This Gamer Isn’t Even Washing His Controller After Each Button Press #~# Well, we’ve seen some disgusting things in our day, readers, but this one takes the cake. Local gamer Trent McKenzie has just booted up Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice and isn’t even washing his DualShock controller after each button press.
American Medical Debt Bigger Than Previously Known #~# New research published in The Journal of the American Medical Association found that Americans owe nearly twice as much medical debt as was previously thought, totaling $140 billion last year. What do you think?
Woman Can Always Tell Period Coming By Way Doors Slam Shut, Lights Flicker #~# COLUMBUS, GA—Revealing that the trembling of the chandelier invariably tipped her off, local woman Kacey Ellis told reporters Thursday that she could always tell her period was coming by the way doors slammed shut and lights flickered. “It’s weird, it’s just this kind of intuitive sense I get a few days before it starts where all the framed glass photos of my friends and family fall and shatter on the ground,” said Ellis, who acknowledged that while the symptoms were inconvenient and “sometimes painful,” like when she awoke with strange oozing wounds on her limbs in the middle of the night or she found the ordinary bowl of cereal she had been eating from a moment ago was suddenly full of broken glass, they were ultimately a helpful way of tracking her menstrual cycle. “It’s every month, just like clockwork. Ibuprofen usually helps with the disembodied voices screaming in my mirror, but I can still hear them croaking ‘sinner.’ At least it’s better than being pregnant.” At press time, Ellis added that her doctor had assured her these were all just normal symptoms of PMDD.
Man Doubts Whether Cousin Really Had New Baby After Learning About It On Facebook #~# OMAHA, NE—Saying the social media network was the only place he had heard about his purported newborn relative, local man Eric Cruthirds expressed doubt Wednesday as to whether his cousin Audrey had actually given birth to the baby pictured in his Facebook feed. “The story seems plausible enough, but you always have to stop and consider the source, which in this case is an outlet that isn’t exactly known for its accuracy,” said Cruthirds, who observed that the photos his cousin shared of herself in a hospital bed ostensibly holding her child for the first time were a bit blurry and could have been photoshopped without too much effort. “Audrey was definitely pregnant at the family reunion, but that doesn’t mean she carried the baby to term. Even if she did, there’s no guarantee the baby in these images is hers. Everyone’s liking and commenting on the post as if it were true, but let’s just say this wouldn’t be the first time my Aunt Brenda shared news on Facebook that turned out to be false. People really ought to check their facts before they spread around stuff like this.” At press time, Cruthirds was reportedly on the phone with the county clerk’s office, attempting to confirm whether there was any public record of the baby’s birth.
‘Sports Illustrated’ Swimsuit Issue Features Trans Cover Model For First Time #~# Model and actress Leyna Bloom has made history by becoming the first trans person to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue, the magazine’s most famous and perennially best-selling edition. What do you think?
Sprinter Blames Positive Covid Test On Nutritional Supplement She Didn’t Realize Contained Coronavirus #~# TOYKO—Apologizing profusely for the misunderstanding that could potentially end her Olympic career, U.S. sprinter Justine Hayes blamed a positive Covid test Wednesday on a nutritional supplement she didn’t realize contained the novel coronavirus. “While I did not know it at the time, my positive test stemmed from a strict dietary regimen prescribed to me that contained high levels of the Delta variant,” said Hayes, adding that the supplements, which were given to her entire track and field team through vitamins, inhalers, and sports drinks, secretly contained 80% of the permitted Covid allowance. “I trusted my trainer, but I wish I had questioned him and asked him to explain what all the Greek symbols and warnings were on the back of each and every thing I ingested before or after running. Looking back, I should have seen all my side-effects, including shortness of breath, loss of taste and smell, high fevers, and coughing blood, as red flags.” At press time, Hayes had further come under scrutiny after sources revealed the sprinter received blood transfusions to boost her levels of Hepatitis B, Malaria, and Dengue Fever. 
At Long Last: Tetsuya Nomura Has Finally Revealed That Braising Is The Best Method For Cooking A Chocobo #~# For decades, Final Fantasy fans have been plagued by one big question: How the heck do you prepare a chocobo? Sure, we’ve all spent countless hours riding these ostrich-like gaming icons around the games’ various maps, but not once has Square Enix even hinted at how you would go about cooking one. Well, ponder no longer, gamers: Tetsuya Nomura, one of main artists behind the series, has finally revealed that braising is the best method for cooking a chocobo.
How Organizers Plan To Keep The Tokyo Olympics Safe #~# All athletes will be required to thoroughly wash their hands once before attending the games.
The Strangest New Dating Shows On TV #~# Several dating shows with odd premises have premiered recently, like Sexy Beast, where contestants wear animal masks, and Love Is Blind, where contestants interact without being able to see each other. The Onion looks at some of the other strangest new dating shows out there.
Nation Agrees That Despite Our Differences Americans Still Make Some Good-Lookin’ Corn #~# HOOPESTON, IL— Whether it’s baked into a tasty bread, popped in oil as a savory treat, or enjoyed fresh and right off the cob, sources from across the nation agreed Wednesday that, whatever differences they may have, Americans still grow themselves some mighty good-lookin’ corn. “Regardless of which part of the country we come from or what we may be arguing about at the moment, we can all of us share in the belief that no one grows a taller, sweeter, or purdier stalk of corn than we do right here in the ol’ U-S-of-A,” said Illinois native Grant Hardway, 56, who reportedly joined together with millions of Americans as they looked back and forth between one another and the seemingly endless rows of gorgeous, freshly sown corn that stretched beyond the horizon, bathing the countryside in a magnificent golden glow. “Some folks say we’re more divided than ever, and I reckon there’s some truth to that. But this here—this handsome, buttered, homegrown cob you see in my hand—by God, it ain’t changed one bit. Be it raw, boiled, grilled, creamed, or extruded into a cheese-flavored snack puff, we here in the land of the free have got us some damned fine corn. Yes, sir.” At press time, an estimated 333 million U.S. residents nodded solemnly toward their neighbors as they sat on porches, patios, and stoops to begin shucking corn for their evening meals.
Google Maps Accused Of Suggesting Potentially Fatal Hiking Routes #~# A Scottish mountaineering organization has accused Google Maps of directing its users to navigate a route up Ben Nevis, the highest mountain in the British Isles that is “highly dangerous, even for experienced climbers” and “potentially fatal.” What do you think?
U.S. Olympians Describe What Inspires Them To Compete #~# “I’ve got 5 mil on Team U.S.A.”
Giannis Criticized For Poor Footwork While Hoisting Finals MVP Trophy #~# MILWAUKEE—Slamming his lack of technique and discipline as he celebrated the victory, Milwaukee Bucks forward Giannis Antetokounmpo was widely criticized online Tuesday night for his poor footwork while hoisting the Finals MVP trophy. “He’s clearly just relying on his size to lift up the trophy that high, no skill at all,” said Twitter user @Celtics_Ronnie78, who joined a chorus of fans attacking Antetokounmpo over the perceived lack of work he has put in to develop different award-raising techniques. “He’s entirely reliant on Middleton and Holiday to hand him his trophies. Look at how slanted it was when he pumped it in the air over his head, you never saw Duncan lift one like that. If he cared about winning at all, he would bring in a trophy-lifting coach over the summer and really work on his moves.” At press time, thousands of commenters were mocking Giannis for the amateurish way he sprayed champaign over his cheering teammates.
Insane Things That Everyone Who Uses Dating Apps Has Experienced #~# Finding the love of your life is hard enough without technology that allows you to get rejected by every other single person in your area. Here are insane things that everyone who uses online dating apps has experienced.
New MMA Gym Training Next Generation Of Guys Who Hold Back Fighters At Press Conference #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Emphasizing the mental strength and speed required to deescalate skirmishes between world-class athletes, a new mixed martial arts gym opened Tuesday dedicated to training the next generation of guys who hold back fighters during press conferences. “There’s an art to stepping in between two dudes as they flail around and yell obscenities,” said No Holds Barred founder Thiago Hilario, who led a sparring session where he held back a a swearing student attempting to get in another trainer’s face for over five minutes. “We teach a variety of styles—whether you wanna judo flip a guy or grapple him with a bear hug. It’s not just about hand-to-hand combat though, you’ve gotta be able to deal with flying chairs and tables. I can’t stress how much skill this requires. People think it’s just building a burly upper body, but it’s all about the legs.” At press time, No Holds Barred had inked a television deal with ESPN to air their Ultimate Bouncer tournament. 
Biden Transfers First Detainee From Guantánamo Bay #~# The Biden administration has transferred a detainee from Guantánamo Bay detention camp to Morocco, marking the first time a prisoner has been released since Biden took office and could signal the president’s intent to eventually close the U.S. military prison. What do you think?
FBI Warns Oregon Fire Had Been Plotting Violent Takeover Of State For Years #~# WASHINGTON—Warning that the blaze appeared to working off a plan that  had been devised over a period of extreme isolation, the Federal Bureau  of Investigation warned in a Tuesday press conference that the Oregon  wildfire had been plotting a violent takeover of the state for years.  “It seems the wildfire has spent decades crafting this plot to take down  state government in a remote stretch of Oregon  hillside,” said FBI spokesman Andrew Hagan, adding that based on agency  findings the fire did not appear to have a clear political philosophy  outside of pure destruction and chaos. “Unfortunately, we’ve seen this  pattern before: The wildfire keeps a low profile over years, or even  decades, waiting for the opportune moment to strike. Meanwhile, it  converts small brittle trees to its cause with its anti-establishment  message of violence. By the time the raging flames begin heading toward  the Oregon State Capitol, it’s already too  late.” At press time, FBI negotiators announced that their plan to meet  the wildfire’s demands for more dry brush had backfired and appeared to  have made the blaze more determined than ever to destroy the capitol.
Experts Say Torturing Animals In Adolescence Sign Child Will Become Factory Farm Owner #~# SEATTLE—Urging parents to seek help from a mental health care provider if their child displays such behaviors, psychologists at the University of Washington warned Tuesday that adolescents who abuse animals often go on to become factory farm owners later in life. “When an adult owns a livestock production facility that abuses, kills, and dismembers animals on an industrial scale, it is frequently the case that, as a young person, they derived pleasure from torturing pets,” said developmental psychology professor Jane Gordon, explaining that most owners of U.S. factory farms—which routinely confine billions of chickens, cows, and pigs in cramped metal cages with no natural light, pumping them full of hormones and antibiotics until the day they are slaughtered—spent years of their youth developing the cruel, painful techniques they would master as adults. “When a person dedicates their life to locking up animals, starving them, tasing them, and forcing them to watch as their relatives have their throats slit? That behavior doesn’t come from nowhere. If you see a child emotionally abusing or deliberately causing pain to an animal, they may be well on their way to running a multinational meat-packing conglomerate.” Gordon added that while intervention can be difficult, the worst thing a parent can do is sit back and ignore the warning signs that their child may grow up to be the CEO of Tyson, Hormel, or Perdue.
Olympic Committee Discourages Sex During Competitions #~# TOKYO—In an effort to minimize close contact and limit the spread of Covid-19, the International Olympic Committee issued a statement Tuesday discouraging athletes from engaging in sexual activity during competition at this year’s Summer Games. “In the interests of public health, we are asking our Olympic participants to abstain from having sex with each other while their event is in progress,” said IOC president Thomas Bach, who explained that Covid could be contracted when mounting a sprinter on the starting blocks, going down on a beach volleyball teammate, penetrating a horny runner with a relay baton, or participating in a masked orgy after suiting up in a fencing uniform. “Ordinarily, we would wish our sculpted, sexy Olympians all the best in their amorous endeavors, but with the Delta variant sweeping the globe, we must ask all participants to limit their displays of physical prowess to a strictly non-coital athletic performance. As a precautionary measure, we have canceled Greco-Roman and freestyle wrestling, both of which got really, really hot during the qualifying rounds. But rest assured, the IOC intends to bring back fucking in time for the 2024 Games in Paris.” Bach added that so long as masks and gloves were worn, a brief hand job would be permitted while athletes were standing on the podium during the medal ceremony. 
Maine Becomes First State To Shift Recycling Costs From Taxpayers To Companies #~# Maine has become the first state in the country to shift costs of recycling from taxpayers to the companies that create consumer packaging, while also giving them the responsibility of disposing of nonrecyclable containers. What do you think?
Hesitant Man Just Waiting To Observe Long-Term Effects Of Vaccine Over Next Several Eons #~# CORVALLIS, OR—Stressing that he was hesitant to get one until more evidence came to light, local man Jeff Bryan told reporters Monday that he was just waiting to observe the long-term effects of the Covid-19 vaccine over the next several eons. “Look, I get that people are saying it’s safe right now, but I think I’d rather wait another billion years or so to really get a sense of the potential consequences,” said Bryan, adding that he understood Covid was a pressing problem but didn’t see the issue of waiting until the fall of 202120201021 C.E. or so to decide whether to take the vaccine. “Sure, doctors are saying there’s no side effects now, but what about in 2.5 billion years? Frankly, I think anything under a few hundred million years is just too soon to know what this thing’s gonna do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a strict anti-vaxxer or anything like that, but I think it’s reasonable to ask what effects the vaccines will have on our children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children.” Bryan added his hesitancy was also due to such a small number of overall vaccine recipients, which made their own experiences more anecdotal and less reliable as data, adding that he’d feel more comfortable after hearing how the vaccine affected a larger sample size of around 100 billion people.
Actors Describe Their Most Dangerous Action Movie Stunts #~# As an actor, there’s no better way to demonstrate your craft than by risking your life for a multibillion dollar studio franchise. We asked some of today’s biggest action stars to describe their most dangerous stunts, and here is what they said. 
New Study Finds Only Way To Reverse Climate Change If Every Person On Earth Shares Single Chevy Volt #~# GENEVA—Calling it the surest path to avoiding catastrophic consequences for the planet, a new report by the Intergovernmental International Panel on Climate Change warned Monday that the only way to reverse climate change was for every person on Earth to share a single Chevy Volt. “Given the severity of the current crisis, our best hope for heading off runaway climate change is getting all of the Earth’s citizens to take turns using the same 2017 Chevy Bolt for the foreseeable future,” read the study in part, which explained that there would also be a Google Doc that allowed the world’s 7.1 billion drivers to coordinate carpools, grocery runs, and road trips across the planet’s seven continents. “Our team looked into other possibilities, such as everyone sharing 200 electric scooters, but really the single Chevy Volt is the most practical solution for everyone’s needs. Thankfully, developed nations have budgeted enough to reserve a parking spot in Tucson that can be used as a convenient charging location. Now, the United Nations just need to save up enough to buy the thing.” The panel also recommended installing a tow cable on the Chevy Bolt to replace the entire global shipping infrastructure.
Illinois Bans Police From Lying To Minors During Interrogations #~# Illinois has become the first state to bar police officers from lying and using other deceptive tactics when interrogating juveniles, such as promising leniency or insinuating that incriminating evidence exists. What do you think?
Man Not Sure What To Do With Shitty Old Roommate That Came With Apartment #~# BURLINGTON, VT—Wondering if he should offer it to a friend or put an ad on Craigslist, 25-year-old Connor Latham told reporters Monday he wasn’t sure what to do with the shitty old roommate that came with his apartment. “I noticed it when I toured the place last month, but I just assumed whoever lived here was going to take it with them when they left,” said Latham, adding that the roommate did not appear to be good for much of anything, took up quite a bit of space, and was “kind of smelly.” “Right now, this apartment basically has a whole room I can’t even use. I’m going to call the landlord, because he should have had this fucking mess moved out of here before I moved in. I’d get rid of it myself, but that thing’s got to weigh close to 200 pounds.” At press time, Latham had gotten a few friends together to help him carry the unwanted roommate down the stairs to the curb on the off chance a neighbor or passerby might see it and decide it would do in a pinch.
Irate Astros Fan Can’t Believe Gun Sales Cut Off After Seventh Inning #~# HOUSTON—Voicing his displeasure with the official Minute Maid Park policy, irate Houston Astros fan Rylan Murphy told reporters Monday he couldn’t believe they cut off gun sales after the seventh inning. “It is such arbitrary bullshit that they won’t sell you a gun in the last two innings even though that can be another hour of game time,” said the season-ticket holder, adding that even when he tried to load up on handguns in the sixth, he inevitably wanted another one by the top of the ninth. “For Pete’s sake, what the hell do they think we’re gonna do with them? They can’t trust Astros fans with a couple more guns at the end of the game? With how much they make us pay for them, you’d think they’d be more tolerant of letting us get a gun whenever we want, not just in the first few innings. It’s not like the guns are even big. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get rid of the taste of peanuts without putting a pistol in my mouth.” At press time, Murphy was eyeing the scoreboard and desperately trying to hail one of the stadium’s gun vendors walking through seats several sections away.
Johnson & Johnson Recalls Aerosol Sunscreens After Finding Carcinogen #~# Johnson & Johnson has announced a recall of aerosol sunscreen products from Neutrogena and Aveeno after some samples were found to contain low levels of benzene, a chemical linked to blood cancers such as leukemia. What do you think?
Chobani Recalls Thousands Of Yogurts That Gave People Yogurt #~# NORWICH, NY—Urging consumers to discard the products immediately and apply for a refund, Chobani announced Friday that it had recalled thousands of containers of yogurt that had given people yogurt. “We are asking customers to search their refrigerators and throw out all Chobani yogurts, which, due to a contamination of our facilities, may contain yogurt,” said Hamdi Ulukaya, founder and CEO of the popular dairy concern, who noted that Chobani’s blueberry yogurt, strawberry yogurt, key lime yogurt, mixed berry yogurt, vanilla yogurt, peach yogurt, and coconut yogurt were just a few among the many flavors of yogurt that have tested positive for yogurt. “Unfortunately, lab cultures have confirmed these defective products contain an extremely high concentration of yogurt, a substance that a full two-thirds of the world’s adults cannot even digest. If you or anyone you know has experienced yogurt after purchasing a Chobani product, please see a physician immediately.” Health officials told reporters they had not yet determined how yogurt, whose primary ingredient is believed to have originated in the mammary glands of cattle, could have made the jump to humans and infected Chobani’s processing plant.
Richest Billionaires In The World And How They Avoid Paying Taxes #~# “I just check the box on my 1040 that asks if I’d like to opt out.” 
Olivia Rodrigo Works With White House To Encourage Youth Vaccinations #~# Pop star Olivia Rodrigo met with President Biden and Covid-19 medical adviser Dr. Anthony Fauci at the White House to record videos encouraging young people to get vaccinated against the novel coronavirus. What do you think?
Ms. Pac-Man Can Already Tell Guy At Helm Drunk As Fuck #~# NORTHBROOK, IL—Frustrated by his obvious level of intoxication, Ms. Pac-Man could reportedly tell within moments that the man currently operating her Friday was drunk as fuck. “Christ, as soon as this dude slammed his meaty paw down on the ‘one player’ button, I knew he was completely hammered,” said Ms. Pac-Man, noting that the “drunken schlub” would most likely steer her straight into a ghost within seconds of beginning to play. “When you’ve been hanging out in bars as long as I have, you know instinctively when you’re in the hands of some shit-faced loser who can barely find his way to a power pellet. Somebody better order this guy some garlic knots or something to soak up the booze or I swear he’s going to end up throwing up on the joystick.” At press time, Ms. Pac-Man was reportedly horrified after seeing the inebriated man get behind the wheel of Pole Position. 
Nervous Biden Rushes Past Intimidating Circle Of Senators Smoking Weed On Capitol Steps #~# WASHINGTON—Clutching his briefcase and keeping his eyes averted as he approached, President Joe Biden rushed past an intimidating circle of senators smoking weed on the Capitol steps, sources confirmed Friday. “Excuse me, folks, just trying to get through here,” said the commander-in-chief, reportedly holding his breath as Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) blew smoke in his direction and laughingly offered him a toke from a lit joint. “Oh, uh, no thanks, haha. I’m running late. Plus, uh, I heard that stuff can make you go crazy.” At press time, a hyperventilating Biden was reportedly lying on the floor of the Oval Office trying to come down from a contact high.
NASA: Moon ‘Wobble’ To Cause Coastal Flooding Surge By 2030s #~# NASA warns that a “wobble” in the moon’s orbit, which happens every 18.6 years, will combine with rising sea levels to bring dramatic increases in high-tide coastal floods across the U.S. in the 2030s. What do you think?
NordicTrack Recreates Outdoor Running Experience With Treadmill Covered In Dog Shit #~# LOGAN, UT—Employing state-of-the-art technology to recreate an authentic outdoor running experience, the exercise equipment manufacturer NordicTrack reportedly unveiled a new treadmill Friday that comes covered in dog shit. “For runners who want the thrill of dodging feces, litter, and broken glass from the comfort of their own living room, we are proud to announce the NordicTrack XCRMNT Trainer,” read a press release that accompanied the launch, explaining how the device’s rubber belt will be of uneven thickness and covered in various holes and vomit in order to simulate an immersive street running experience. “As part of our mission to give users the sense of what it’s like to jog outside, the treadmill will be equipped with built-in water jets so they can relive being unexpectedly rained on in the middle of their run. You can also connect your Bluetooth headphones and listen to the sounds of horns honking, dogs barking, and pedestrians shouting obscene remarks. And, on top of that, we’ve added a revolutionary halting system, so customers can once again feel what it’s like to have to stop their workout every few minutes while they wait for a traffic light to change.” The press release went on to mention that the company would soon be releasing a premium version of the product that would allow indoor runners to experience getting hit by a car.
What’s In The New EU Climate Change Plan #~# The European Union on Wednesday announced a slew of new climate change legislation aimed at making its 27 member states carbon neutral by 2050. The Onion looks at the key components of the EU’s new climate change plan.
Panicked Man Wondering If There Something He Doesn’t Know After Child Tax Credit Hits Bank Account #~# FORT COLLINS, CO—Feeling panicked and bewildered by the unexpected deposit, local 30-year-old Dean Osterman was reportedly wondering Thursday if there was something he didn’t know about after a payment from the child tax credit program hit his bank account. “Wait, what? Oh jeez, no, but that’s impossible,” said Osterman, who swore under his breath and wracked his brains as he tried to run through a mental list of every sexual encounter he had ever had. “I mean, I’ll take the $300, but this has to be a mistake, right? There’s no way, there’s just no way. I know she was on the pill. Shit. Maybe there was another round of stimulus payments I didn’t know about? Or maybe they just decided to give it to childless single people, too? Ah, fuck. I gotta get out of here.” At press time, a second payment had hit Osterman’s account.
Popeyes Originalist Decries Nuggets As Stain On Founder’s Vision #~# ASHEVILLE, NC—Calling it the greatest threat to the restaurant’s ideals since the Butterfly Shrimp Tackle Box was added to the menu in 2009, strict Popeyes originalist Ryan Malburg spoke out Thursday against the chain’s plan to begin serving chicken nuggets, calling it a stain on the founder’s vision. “In 1972, when New Orleans entrepreneur Al Copeland brought forth on this land his first fried-chicken establishment, he never envisioned the institutional decline and moral decay that would one day lead the restaurant to offer such a pedestrian food item,” said Malburg, a regular patron of the Popeyes near his North Carolina home, explaining that the sale of bite-sized, boneless chicken nuggets violated the very principles of down-home Cajun cooking upon which the franchise was founded. “Now, there are those who say that a half century onward, it is necessary to adapt recipes to meet the needs of a changing clientele. But surely this argument neglects the indispensable role Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen plays on the fast-food stage. It is, and has always been, a mouthwatering chicken-and-biscuit restaurant upon a hill, and we turn away from this conception of the chain at our peril.” Malburg later claimed there was no hypocrisy at all in his plans to leave work early so he could try the new nuggets on the day they came out.
Shocking Things No One Told You About Childbirth #~# Try as you might, there’s only so much you can do to prepare for a human-shaped parasite to burst out of your body and into the world. Here are the most shocking things no one told you would happen during childbirth.
Senate Democrats Unveil Proposal To Federally Decriminalize Marijuana #~# Senate Democrats have introduced draft legislation that would decriminalize marijuana at the federal level by removing it from the federal list of controlled substances. What do you think?
6-Year-Old Debating Whether To See ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy’ Following Negative ‘New York Times’ Review #~# PHILADELPHIA—Furrowing his brow while paging through the newspaper’s arts and culture section, local 6-year-old Tyler Endicott reportedly struggled Thursday with whether to see Space Jam: A New Legacy after reading a negative review in The New York Times. “Obviously, I was excited to see Bugs and his pals dust off their sneakers and hit the courts once more, but when you see none other than Times film critic Glenn Kenny calling this a ‘sensory overload that yields head-spinning stupefaction,’ you need to take notice,” said the kindergartner during his morning perusal of the paper of record, describing the review as especially disappointing given how he himself had watched the original Space Jam nearly sixteen times over the last year. “No matter how much I might want to see Granny breakdancing or Tweedy Bird flattened like a pancake on the court, I’m ultimately drawn back to Kenny’s droll aside about how this is the same tired excuse to trot out Warner Brothers intellectual property, only hypertrophied. Then again, Looney Tunes Back In Action was totally panned at its release only to have its reputation restored over time, so perhaps I shouldn’t be so slavish to reviews.” At press time, Endicott had decided to see the movie, if only because he was such a fan of director Malcolm D. Lee’s past filmography.
We’re Feeling Charitable Today, So What The Hell: Anyone Who Has A Smart Fridge Is A Gamer #~# We woke up feeling good today, gamers. Maybe it’s the nice weather. Maybe it’s the vacation we have planned next month. Or maybe it’s just that things have generally been looking up lately. Either way, we’re feeling magnanimous, and ah, what the hell—we want to do something nice for you.
Americans Who Still Haven’t Made Up Their Mind Gather In Massive Demonstration To Express Ambivalence #~# WASHINGTON—Giving voice to their uncertainty in a historic display of civic indecision, tens of thousands of Americans who still haven’t made up their minds joined a massive demonstration on the National Mall Thursday to express their ambivalence. “We don’t feel strongly one way or another, and we demand to be heard!” said Jeffrey Cornell, a 41-year-old demonstrator from Cleveland who used a megaphone to lead chants of “There are a lot of pros and cons here” and “It’s hard to offer a definitive yes or no” as he marched alongside the teeming throng of wavering citizens. “We would like to do more research on the subject before making up our minds, so if anyone has any pertinent reading, please send it our way! Frankly, we have heard a lot of good points on all sides, and at the end of the day, this seems like a nuanced issue that may not have a clear-cut, simplistic answer!” At press time, the irresolute activists announced it was time to stop deliberating over what they think, and time to start hesitating over what actions they should take.
Pet Goldfish Being Dumped In Lakes Threatening Ecosystems #~# A city in Minnesota has asked residents to stop dumping pet goldfish into waterways after large groups of the invasive species, which can cause poor water quality, were discovered in local lakes. What do you think?
God Regrets Never Learning Spanish #~# THE HEAVENS—Kicking Himself for never getting around to developing what would have been a useful skill, God, Our Heavenly Father, and the Creator of the Universe, admitted Thursday that he regretted never learning to speak Spanish.
Wildlife Officials Restock Lake By Dropping Thousands Of Fishermen From Plane #~# BOULDER, UT—In a process that officials explained the state had been carrying out for decades, the Utah Division of Wildlife Resources reportedly completed their annual restocking of a lake Wednesday by dropping thousands of fishermen from a plane. “We wish the population would replenish itself naturally, but unfortunately they don’t reproduce at high enough rates,” said biologist Greg Cook, who watched with pride and delight as a door on the bottom of the plane opened and thousands of anglers tumbled down toward the water below. “Sure, it might look strange, but some of these lakes have elevations of upwards of 10,000 feet, so this is the best way to get them there. We always make sure to select smaller specimens so they don’t hit the water as hard. Ah, there they go. What a sight. I think that’s the last of them.” At press time, Cook added that the fishermen had a 95% survival rate.
Conor McGregor Undergoes 3 Hours Of Surgery To Repair Fractured Ego #~# LOS ANGELES—Rushed to hospital after a gruesome loss Sunday at UFC 264, Conor McGregor reportedly underwent surgery for three hours Wednesday to repair a fractured ego. “We’re able to salvage it thanks to an intramedullary rod and some small screws, but it was already incredibly fragile before the fight,” said surgeon Dennis Singleton, revealing that McGregor’s ego took some brutal damage over the course of his UFC career and may never return to normal. “In his prime, Conor had one of the most impressive egos we’ve ever seen, but it’s been slowly whittled away. McGregor is putting himself at risk for some serious mental degradation if he steps back into the octagon.” At press time, McGregor took to social media to post a video of him walking gingerly on top of a physical therapist. 
Inflation Hits 13-Year High #~# The consumer price index rose 5.4% in the last year, the biggest jump in annual inflation in nearly 13 years as businesses struggle to keep up with demand out of the pandemic, causing prices to surge. What do you think?
Centers For Disease Control Lets Smallpox And Rinderpest Viruses Out For Daily Hour Of Exercise #~# ATLANTA—Citing efforts to ensure even the deadliest of microbes are contained in humane conditions, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention told reporters Wednesday it lets the smallpox and rinderpest viruses outside its High-Containment Facility once daily for an hour of exercise. “We allow them to get some fresh air and move around a little each day because they get pretty cooped up inside our biosafety level-4 unit,” said Inger Damon, director of the agency’s Division of High-Consequence Pathogens, which is also home to some of the world’s most dangerous hemorrhagic fevers and influenza strains. “With all the time smallpox and rinderpest spend confined to a test tube, it’s good for them to be able to spread out and blow off some steam, whether that means running laps, lifting weights, or joining a pickup basketball game against bird flu and anthrax. Of course, they know that if they attempt to leave the grounds of our Atlanta campus, guards in the towers are authorized to neutralize them with a can of Lysol.” At press time, alarm bells were ringing at CDC headquarters after smallpox and rinderpest had reportedly escaped in a laundry cart full of soiled hazmat suits.
Company Struggling To Find Diverse Leadership Candidates Among CEO’s Golf Buddies #~# ST. LOUIS—Repeatedly thwarted in their efforts to bring some new perspectives to the C-suite, agrochemical company WFM Industries shared with reporters Wednesday that they were struggling to find diverse leadership candidates among the CEO’s golf buddies. “Increasing diversity at the executive level is a top priority for us, but we’ve really had difficulty recruiting any minority candidates from the guys our CEO plays 18 holes with every Sunday,” said WFM chief human resources officer Melinda Webber, who added that she was still adjusting to her role as the company’s first female C-suite member, hired after an extensive search of the CEO’s golf buddies’ wives. “We expanded our initial search to anyone our CEO has played golf with over the past five years, and then eventually to anyone with a country club membership, but we still can’t find that minority candidate who works for our business needs. If this keeps up we’re going to have to expand our search to the CFO’s yacht club pals.” At press time, the company had brought in a promising minority candidate who worked as a caddy at the CEO’s golf club but decided not to pursue the hire after finding out that he was just tan.
Gate Attendant Offers Richard Branson Hotel Voucher After Virgin Galactic Flight Fully Booked #~# TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NM—Attempting to placate the visibly livid man, sources confirmed Wednesday that the gate attendant at Spaceport America had offered Richard Branson a hotel voucher after informing him the Virgin Galactic flight was fully booked. “We routinely overbook flights to keep prices low, and hope that you’ll accept this voucher as an apology for the frustrating experience you’ve had today,” said the attendant, using a calm, measured tone to address the billionaire businessman, who had turned a deep shade of red and begun to shake, his jaw dropped in a look of pure indignation as he struggled to process the shocking  news that he would not be boarding the space-bound flight. “It’s good for one free night at the Comfort Inn & Suites. We understand you bought a ticket, but unfortunately, you were the last customer to check in. Yes, we realize you’re upset, but this is the best we can do. This is the last flight leaving the stratosphere tonight, so you’re just going to have to wait until morning. We’re sure you’ll find your hotel room quite pleasant. Sir, please do not raise your voice at me.” At press time, security guards were dragging Branson away as he screamed that he would sue the whole company into the ground.
The Greatest NBA Finals Performances Of All Time #~# Legends are made and legacies are secured in the spotlight of the NBA Finals, where a transcendent performance can forever seal a spot as one of the greatest NBA players ever, or a bad one can forever seal your fate as Karl Malone. Here are The Onion’s greatest NBA finals performances of all time.
MSNBC Turns 25 #~# Cable news network MSNBC launched on July 15, 1996, and has delivered its share of highs and lows over its 25-year history. The Onion looks back at the most important events in MSNBC’s history on its 25th anniversary.
Area Scrotum Not In Big Hurry To Peel Itself Away From Leg #~# LINCOLN, NE—Stressing it was having a nice, relaxing time, the scrotum of local man Justin McMaster was not in a big hurry to peel itself away from his leg, crotch sources confirmed Wednesday. “I’ve got a nice little situation going here with my skin sack pressed up real tight against the inner thigh, so I’m thinking what’s the rush?” said the testicle pouch, explaining that it knew the sweat keeping its loose flesh adhered to the leg would dry up eventually, but until then, it planned to just ride the high. “Listen, I’ll detach eventually, but for right now, I’m sitting pretty sticking to this leg. I’m having a friggin’ blast, and the temp is perfect. My pubes are even mingling with the leg hair, and I’m feeling like a million bucks. Clammy moisture is a terrible thing to waste, and I’m going to milk this stickiness for all it’s worth.” At press time, McMaster’s penis decided to get in on the action by sticking itself to the scrotum.
Engagement Ring Sales Skyrocketing As U.S. Recovers From Covid-19 #~# Fine jewelers say they saw massive spikes in demand and sales in April and May for engagement rings, following more access to Covid-19 vaccinations throughout the United States. What do you think?
HBO Confirms ‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Will Take Place In White Void After New York City Opts Not To Reprise Role #~# NEW YORK—Noting that most of the beloved characters from the original show show were returning, HBO Max confirmed Tuesday that the Sex And The City offshoot And Just Like That would take place in a white void after New York City opted not to reprise its role in the series. “While many leading cast members like Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis will be returning to their iconic roles, New York City has decided not to return to the spin-off, which will follow the ladies, now in their 50s, as they navigate life and love in a blank white void,” said HBO spokesperson Malia Anderson, citing “conflicting prior commitments” as the reason for the absence despite several well-documented, decades-long tiffs between the city and its costars. “Unfortunately, the big apple couldn’t make the filming schedule work, as it had another project it would be working on at the time, and producers decided out of respect to the original run to simply take the story in a different direction rather than recast the role—we can’t stress enough that this blank white emptiness is meant as an homage to the city that came before it, not an attempt to erase its legacy. Seeing as New York played such a major role in not only the beloved series but both subsequent movies, we understand it may take a little getting used to on the part of the viewers, but we think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by what this milky ambient mass of light brings to the table when you tune in and see Carrie, Miranda, and Charlotte having an absolute blast around this fabulous white void.” Anderson went on to assure viewers they can expect the gals to still do plenty of shopping, drinking, and palling around, there simply won’t be as many shots up, down, left, or right of them. 
Telltale Signs Your Child Is Gifted #~# While every parent secretly wants to believe their child was born a prodigy, the truth is that only 99% of kids actually grow up to be bonafide geniuses. Here are some telltale signs your son or daughter may be gifted.
Man At Wake Hopes There’s Picture Of Him With Dead Friend In Slideshow #~# STOUGHTON, MA—Searching for any signs of himself at all in the memorial’s presentation, local man Cameron Miller told reporters Tuesday that he hoped there was a picture of himself with his deceased friend in the slideshow displayed at the wake. “I know I wasn’t Jason best friend, but I think we took some flattering pictures together that his family might want to remember him by,” said Miller, his hopes diminished as minute after minute passed without revealing a single photograph of himself alongside the deceased at a summer barbecue, memorable hike, or baseball game. “What about that time we drove down to Florida? That seems like it’s worth commemorating, right? I mean, what the hell? I’m way closer to him than Eric, and that fucker has been in there twice. Also, I totally get putting family in there, but does he really need this many pictures with his kids?” At press time, Miller concluded that the reason the wake’s attendees appeared so upset was that the slideshow failed to include most of the man’s good buddies.
Unopened ‘Super Mario 64’ Game Sells For Record $1.56M #~# A sealed 1996 Super Mario 64 video game cartridge has sold at auction for $1.56 million, shattering the record set two days before by an unopened copy of Nintendo’s The Legend Of Zelda. What do you think?
Pope Francis Served Eucharist Jell-O While Recovering From Surgery #~# ROME—Steeling himself to eat the unappetizing concoction as he sat in his hospital bed, Pope Francis on Tuesday was reportedly served Eucharist Jell-O while recovering from colon surgery. “They said it’ll be a few more days until I can eat solid Eucharist again, but in the meantime I have to admit this stuff is pretty gross,” said the Supreme Pontiff, choking down his ninth single-serving cup of Eucharist Jell-O in three days of post-surgery hospitalization. “Loaves and fishes this ain’t, I’ll say that much. It’s clearly been sitting out for days. The nurses told me that this will help bring me healing salvation while I recover from surgery, but it tastes like absolute ass. I’d just throw it away, but I’m hungry, and you can’t exactly drop the body of Christ into the trash can. I just hope I can gut through it and keep it all down.” Pope Francis admitted to reporters that his only saving grace was being able to press a button on his bedside and a nurse would come to increase the levels of his communion wine IV drip.
Moviegoer Frustrated By Loud Guy In Next Row Who Won’t Stop Shooting #~# BRYN MAWR, PA—Unable to enjoy the film between the gunfire and the ringing of spent brass on the tile floor, moviegoer Scott Crary expressed deep frustration Tuesday with the obnoxiously loud patron in the row behind him whose insistence on shooting up the theater had become a distraction. “Jesus Christ, that’s rude. I mean, it’s one thing to shoot during the previews, but the feature’s started now and I still can’t hear a damn thing,” said Crary, who watched in frustration as a growing pile of ushers pleaded with the man to quiet down. “We all paid good money to watch Black Widow, show some consideration. And, of course, it just creates a domino effect ’cause now everyone’s screaming and shouting. I’m not usually the kind of person who says anything, but c’mon, this isn’t a Dave & Buster’s.” At press time, Crary could briefly hear the dialogue before being irritated once again by the sound of the man loading a second clip of ammunition.
World’s Deepest Dive Pool Opens In Dubai #~# Dubai has opened the world’s deepest dive pool, which has a depth of 196 feet, holds enough water to fill six Olympic-sized swimming pools, and features an “abandoned” sunken city for divers to explore. What do you think?
We’re Strapped for Content So Here’s Instructions On How To Bake Your Nintendo Switch Into An Apple Pie #~# Hey, gamers! There’s a lull in summer gaming news and we don’t know what to publish today, so here are the definitive instructions on how to bake your Nintendo Switch into an apple pie! 
Study Finds 70% Of Americans Have Less Than $1,000 Saved To Go To Space #~# STANFORD, CA—A new study released Monday by researchers from the Stanford Center on Poverty and Inequality found that 70% of Americans have less than $1,000 saved to go to space. “Our research suggests that the vast majority of Americans may be woefully unprepared for the dawn of the new space age,” aid study co-author Daniel Porter, who cited the high costs of hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of rocket fuel and funding an a privately owned aerospace manufacturer as just two of the numerous financial obstacles the average American faced in launching themselves into space. “We found that it would take the majority of Americans decades to amass enough money to even consider going to space, let alone make it out of the stratosphere. If ever met with a sudden opportunity to go to space, it would certainly end up bankrupting them. Without generational wealth, the average American would have to rely on taking out a huge loan or receiving assistance from a government-funded program like NASA.” At press time, Porter added that the study also found most American parents hadn’t even started saving for their children’s trips to space. 
American TV That Was Actually Adapted From International Shows #~# You might not realize it, but many beloved TV shows from the U.S. actually aren’t created here, and are instead stolen from foreign countries due to a lack of American ingenuity. Here are the international origins behind some of your favorite television programs.
Historic Heat Wave Causes California Wildfire To Catch Fire #~# REDDING, CA—As they confronted a complex meta-conflagration said to be a result of the region’s record-breaking heat wave, California fire officials told reporters Monday that unrelenting high temperatures had caused a wildfire to catch fire along a section of Interstate 5. “Between an extreme drought and a historically hot summer, the conditions were perfect for this wildfire to go up in flames, especially given that it was already on fire,” said Thom Porter, director of the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection, who issued an immediate burn ban prohibiting campfires and suspending all residential burn permits in parts of the state that were currently on fire. “Those flames were like a tinderbox, just waiting to ignite, and once they did, the fire spread throughout the fire very quickly. At this point, the wildfire has suffered extensive damage from the blaze, which continues to rage across wide swaths of Shasta County that are already burning. Forecasts are showing the heat will continue, so what we’re worried about now is the possibility that the fire’s fire will catch fire.” At press time, reports confirmed firefighters were desperately attempting to evacuate as much of the wildfire as possible, moving it to safety across a firebreak they had spent the morning constructing.
Zaila Avant-garde First African American To Win National Spelling Bee #~# 14-year-old Zaila Avant-garde from Louisiana became the first African American to win the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday by correctly spelling “Murraya,” a genus of plants. What do you think?
Treasury Phasing Out All Bills Except $1s and $100s As Income Inequality Renders Middle Currencies Irrelevant #~# WASHINGTON—As income inequality continues to render middle currencies obsolete, the United States Department of the Treasury reportedly began phasing out all bills Monday except for $1s and $100s. “In an effort to streamline our operations so they’re more in line with the current financial landscape, we will be removing all intermediate monetary denominations,” said Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, explaining how all fives, tens, twenties, and fifties will be taken out of circulation after years of growing disuse due to socioeconomic stratification. “Although these medial assets once had a utility, that is no longer the case. The vast majority of U.S. citizens can only scrounge a couple bucks together, while the wealthiest Americans have no use for banknotes under $100, and we want to ensure our legal tender reflects that.” At press time, Americans began collecting these antiquated bills as remnants of a bygone era.
Deadbeat Bird Deems Human Touching Eggs Good Enough Reason To Abandon Nest #~# NASHVILLE, IN—Immediately taking off from his roost without a second look back, a local deadbeat bird reportedly deemed the human touching its eggs Monday as a good enough reason to abandon its nest. “Ah damn, I really wanted to raise those eggs, but I guess them’s the breaks,” said the American robin, who flapped his wings as fast and hard as he could, speculating that while his decision to ditch the nest might anger his mate, there was really nothing he could do. “So long, eggs! That’s the end of that chapter. Man, she’s going to be pissed when she realizes I’m not coming back, but that guy totally touched them! I mean, they’re basically smudged beyond repair. Well, I didn’t hang around long enough to see if he actually touched them, but I know he definitely looked. Well, he at least walked by those eggs.” At press time, the bird had admitted that he wasn’t 100%  positive whether the human had actually touched his eggs.
Trump Suing Twitter, Facebook, Google Over ‘Censorship’ #~# Former President Trump has filed a class-action lawsuit against Facebook, Twitter, Google, and their respective CEOs, claiming the platforms denied his rights to free speech, despite the First Amendment not prohibiting private companies from enforcing speech restrictions. What do you think?
Park Ranger Rescues Bear That Wandered Off The Trail #~# BONNERS FERRY, ID—Hailing the search-and-rescue mission a success, officials with the Idaho Department of Fish and Game confirmed Monday a park ranger had located and extracted a grizzly bear that had wandered off a hiking trail into dense and dangerous terrain. “It’s pretty easy to get turned around in these woods without a compass, so she hadn’t laid eyes on a human being for almost three days,” said local ranger Brian Hutchins, who explained that the 800-pound North American brown bear was last spotted  rummaging around a campsite on Friday, sometime after which she is believed to have departed from the marked trail and roamed aimlessly across a 70-square-mile area. “That bear is lucky to be alive. She went out there with no food, no canteen, not even proper boots. From what we’ve been able to reconstruct, she was likely forced to forage for berries and catch fish from a nearby stream, which is where she was when I found her. She appeared to be lapping up what water she could—not surprising when you consider she ventured into the  wilderness without adequate supplies. I’m just glad I reached her in time.” At press time, sources confirmed the bear had been safely returned to civilization, where she was seen eating contently from a dumpster outside a Pizza Hut. 
Most Horrifying Things Airlines Do To Keep Their Prices Down #~# Flying through the sky with hundreds of other people in a cramped metal tube may seem luxurious, but you’d be surprised at how many corners airlines will cut behind your back. Here are the most horrifying things low-cost carriers will do to keep tickets cheap.
Tokyo Olympics Bans Spectators After State Of Emergency Declared #~# Japan has announced that the Tokyo Olympics will go ahead under a state of emergency but without any spectators at events taking place in the capital amid the recent surge in coronavirus cases. What do you think?
Dad Just Found Out About That WrestleMania XV Pay-Per-View Charge #~# UPPER MERION, PA—Dreading the look of disapproval in his father’s eyes, local man Andrew Martin panicked Friday after his dad discovered the pay-per-view charge from when he ordered WrestleMania XV in 1999. “Shit, I’m gonna be in so much trouble,” said Martin, 33, lamenting his decision to purchase the WWF card headlined by bitter rivals Stone Cold Steve Austin and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. “I was so stoked for that Hell in a Cell match with Big Boss Man and Taker. The midcard was really strong then, too—that four-corner elimination match was pretty fun. I wasn’t about to wait until Monday to see Kane finally get his hands on Triple H. I know I promised dad I wouldn’t order it, but I’m starting to think it might have been worth it.” At press time, Martin was working up the courage to tell his dad the pay-per-view charge had accrued $2,000 dollars in late fees.
The Onion’s Guide To Starting A Sneaker Collection #~# The global sneaker market has exploded in the past several years to about $70 billion annually, but it can be hard for those looking to develop a sneaker collection of their own to know where to start. The Onion offers tips for starting a sneaker collection.
Everyone On Camping Trip Just Gets Out Of Way While Friend Who Knows What He’s Doing Takes Care Of Everything #~# BIG BEAR, CA—In an effort to avoid interfering with his process, everyone on a camping trip reportedly just got out of the way Friday while their friend Jacob Lopez, who knows what he’s doing, took care of everything. “Seems like Jake’s got it all under control,” said Daryl Steadman, a member of the party, who carried a cooler  the picnic table before ultimately stepping aside and letting Lopez take charge of pitching the tent, building the fire, and stowing the food. “I feel bad that he’s doing everything, but I’d honestly just be slowing him down if I tried to help. He’s done this a ton of times, so I’m sure it’s no big deal for him.” At press time, the rest of the campers decided to do their part by cracking open a few beers while Lopez searched for kindling.
NYPD Unveils New ‘Game Truck’ To Connect With Community #~# The NYPD has unveiled a new “game truck” that will drive game consoles around to local communities with the goal of having children get to know police officers through the shared interest of video games. What do you think?
Tokyo Olympics To Prevent Covid Spread By Restricting Events To Short Outdoor Walks #~# TOKYO—With the city under a state of emergency as Covid-19 cases surge across Japan, Olympic officials announced Thursday that in the interests of public health, all athletic competition at the Tokyo Games would now be limited to short walks outside. “In order to slow the pandemic’s rapid spread through the region, each event at the XXXII Olympiad will be reconfigured so that it entails no more than a quick, 15-minute stroll around the Olympic village and a few of the stadiums,” said Prime Minister Yoshihide Suga, adding that after they had quarantined for two weeks, athletes could also participate in masked events in which they perform competitive crunches, push-ups, and stretches inside their single-occupancy rooms. “As we work to limit exposure to this deadly virus, we hope the world will enjoy watching Olympians put on a face shield, step outside, and walk in a circle around the same few blocks a couple of times a day until they inevitably grow bored of it, head back to their rooms, and lie down in their beds. Whether they traveled to Tokyo for swimming, gymnastics, or the javelin throw, we urge every participant in the Summer Games to bring a good attitude, a solid playlist, and a comfortable pair of walking shoes.” At press time, Suga stated that in the coming weeks, even more Olympic events could be added, such as watching TV, crafting, baking bread, and growing an indoor herb garden.
Freak Actually Knows How Big An Acre Is #~# TOWSON, MD—Drawing looks of scorn, terror, and bewilderment, local freak Adam Campbell demonstrated that actually knew how big an acre is, shocked sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s 43,560 square feet,” said the 31-year-old absolute fucking weirdo, who put friends ill at ease as he answered what was originally posed as a rhetorical question with unsettling confidence and precision. “Or a simpler way to think about it is a big square that’s about 208 feet on both sides,” added the strange specimen who would be better off displayed in a glass case in a museum than be permitted to roam among normal everyday men and women with his startling knowledge of the agricultural unit. “It comes from the amount of land one farmer and one ox could plow in a single day,” said the human aberration, who now visibly repulsed those gathered as they speculated in horror that the ghastly being standing before them probably also knew exactly what constituted a peck and a bushel. At press time, sources had toppled their chairs and fled from the room after Campbell had begun describing acre’s etymological origin from the proto-Germanic word for field. 
Rupert Murdoch To Launch Fox Weather Channel #~# Media tycoon Rupert Murdoch is set to debut Fox Weather, a 24-hour streaming channel focused on weather, though how it will address climate change remains unclear. What do you think?
Starstruck Man Can’t Think Of Anything To Say To Cruise Ship Hypnotist In Breakfast Buffet Line #~# ATLANTIC OCEAN—Trembling as it dawned on him that he would only have one chance and was about to botch it, starstruck man Bill Sampson  reportedly couldn’t think of anything to say to the cruise ship hypnotist in the breakfast buffet line. “My first thought was to say ‘Hey, great job last night, you really took our brains away,’ but damn it, that doesn’t make any sense,” said the admiring Carnival Cruise Lines passenger under his breath, standing frozen in the buffet line holding a pair of tongs and trying to brainstorm conversation topics as the hypnotist moved down the line with his tray. “Shit, you’ve gotta say something. He was amazing last night. I haven’t had that much fun in a long time. But I feel like I’m going to annoy him no matter what I say. First of all, are you supposed to call him Mr. Mysterious when he’s not onstage? I mean, the man’s got a name, right? But I’m sure he gets adoring fans talking to him all the time when he just wants to eat his breakfast in peace. Honestly, I’m surprised to see him here. I figured the talent have their own private dining room, but I should’ve known he was a man of the people. Think, Bill, damn it. You’re gonna miss your chance. Christ, this is worse than the time I saw that Law & Order actor getting a doughnut when I was on vacation in New York City.” At press time, the starstruck man was kicking himself for his tongue-tied stupidity after standing too close behind the cruise ship hypnotist while saying, too loudly, “Potatoes, good choice.”
Bummer: Bowser Is Sending Bowser Jr. To Military School After He Got His High School Girlfriend Pregnant #~# Ever since his first appearance back in Super Mario Sunshine, fans have delighted in the playful, mischievous antics of Bowser Jr. as he teams up with his father to finally defeat Mario once and for all. Well, sadly, that time may be coming to an end because the little scamp we all know has grown up into quite the troubled teen, and now Bowser has finally thrown the hammer down, shipping Junior off to military school after finding out he got his high school girlfriend pregnant.
Friends, Family Worried Rock-Bottom Scottie Pippen Will End Up With Own ESPN Morning Show #~# MALIBU, CA—Expressing concern over a recent spate of social media outbursts and drunken interviews, friends and family were reportedly worried Thursday that  Scottie Pippen’s downward spiral would lead to the former Bulls star hosting an ESPN morning show. “Scottie doesn’t look like himself lately, and I’d hate for him to sink to hosting a debate show with Rachel Nichols,” said a source close to Pippen, speaking on the condition of anonymity, who hoped to prevent the NBA Hall of Fame inductee from spending the rest of his life debating trivial topics in a sterile Bristol, Connecticut studio. “The absolute worst-case scenario is him wearing some stupid hat because he  lost a bet to Kendrick Perkins. I’d hate to see an all-time great—and a friend— reduced to regurgitating talking points and screaming uninformed opinions. If he keeps pushing his tell-all book and bourbon brand so aggressively, it’ll only lead to him struggling to work an ESPN touchscreen.” At press time, Pippen’s loved ones hosted an intervention after the seven-time NBA All-Star drunkenly set up a green screen in his basement.
California Employees Hesitant About Returning To Office Currently On Fire #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Expressing concerns about the potential consequences for their health, hundreds of employees throughout California told reporters Thursday they were hesitant about returning to in-person work in buildings that were presently on fire. “If I’m being honest, I’m a little nervous about having to go back to the office when there is still a risk we could all be burned alive,” said Bill Marcks, a designer at a marketing firm in Los Angeles and one of many workers across the Golden State who argued they were more productive on the job when they did not have to contend with the distractions of blaring smoke alarms  or people screaming in agony. “Throughout this crisis, my employer has done a great job of putting the safety of its people first. So, it would be a shame if they reopened our workplace too soon, everyone perished in a raging inferno, and all those precautions we took turned out to be for nothing. I truly appreciate the company’s efforts to mitigate the risk by requiring head-to-toe asbestos suits in the workplace, but I still get worried. While I’d love to see my coworkers again, it just isn’t worth it if it means they’re all going to be on fire.” At press time, California employees were reportedly relieved when companies announced that returning to the office would be voluntary, meaning workers would still have the option to be devoured by flames from home.
Bumble Dating App Opening NYC Café #~# The dating app Bumble announced that it would be opening a new café and wine bar in New York City called Bumble Brew, a place for people who match on the app to meet in real life. What do you think?
Haiti Faces Constitutional Crisis After Assassinated President Refuses To Step Down #~# PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Defying  protests calling for his removal, political experts confirmed Wednesday that Haiti faced a constitutional crisis after recently assassinated prime minister Jovenel Moïse refused to step down from office. “It’s unclear how the nation will move on now that Moïse is clinging to power from the afterlife,” said political scientist Frances Jean-Pierre, who lamented a possible violent uprising after the deceased prime minister vowed to extend his five-year term to infinity. “This power grab creates a huge stumbling block to a free and democratic Haiti. We haven’t seen anything like this since the U.S. military backed a failed coup to install an undead regime.” At press time, experts expressed dismay after Moïse added deceased dictator François “Papa Doc” Duvalier to his cabinet. 
Rachel Nichols Insists She Would Win Finals MVP If Not For Diversity Hires On Suns, Bucks #~# LOS ANGELES—Complaining that giving people a fair chance should not erase others’ hard work, ESPN broadcaster Rachel Nichols insisted Wednesday that she would win the NBA Finals MVP if not for all the diversity hires on the Suns and Bucks. “I’ve worked really hard, and while I’m sure Devin Booker and Giannis are good and deserving of a shot, I would clearly be the best on an even playing field,” said Nichols, who claimed it was insulting to be passed over for the NBA championship’s top award just so the league could fill some quota. “I appreciate the attempts to diversify the basketball world, but this is not the way to do it. I was never given anything when I was their age, it was all merit. If I was on the roster, I’d easily be dropping 40 a game on my way to a historic sweep. Instead, my spot is going to Chris Paul just because the NBA wants to look good.” Nichols added that, as a woman, she could not help but notice neither the Suns nor Bucks had ever had a female starter.
Things Every Child Who Grew Up With Divorced Parents Will Understand #~# While some parents feel they have to muscle it out and stay married for their children, the best ones make a healthy decision to throw in the towel and break it off once and for all. Here are things you’ll only understand if your parents were divorced.
Study: 4-Day Work Week Doesn’t Hurt Productivity #~# A study conducted by researchers in Iceland found that a four-day work week without a pay cut improved workers’ well-being and productivity. What do you think?
Child Being Teased About Having Crush Angrily Asserts He Incapable Of Love #~# GRAPEVINE, TX—Taking a defiant stand as children taunted him, local 9-year-old Trevor Larson  denied having a crush on fellow fourth-grader Abby Hinsdale and vehemently asserted that he was incapable of love, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Nuh-uh, no way do I like Abby! She’s a butter-face, plus something inside of me is broken and I can never form a loving, meaningful attachment to another person,” said Larson, citing Hinsdale’s reported cooties and his own deep-seated intimacy issues as reasons why he could not possibly have fostered an emotional connection to the girl, whom he sat next to  in science class last year at Bickford Elementary School. “Yuck! All girls are gross, and besides, I have profound insecurities that make it impossible for me to love myself, let alone anyone else. Seriously, guys, stop! I don’t like her, okay? I literally can’t feel anything more than fleeting infatuation for a romantic partner and likely never will. Also, this one time she kissed John Shepler, who is my best friend, and I’m way too self-absorbed and controlling to negotiate that with my massive—yet, ultimately, very fragile—ego. Blech.” At press time, Larson was seen passing Hinsdale a note explaining that it didn’t matter if she liked him back because he was unable to accept love and deep down believed he was not worthy of it.
Discounted Fireworks Savings Put Toward Funeral Expenses #~# CHICAGO—Expressing relief that they had financially prepared for the unforeseen accident, family sources confirmed Wednesday that the money they saved on discounted fireworks were put directly toward the funeral expenses of Chase McKay. “Luckily, Chase bought those Roman candles at wholesale prices, so we can afford a nice casket for him,” said Mckay’s youngest sister, Jessica, delighting over the family’s 50% savings on industrial-grade Black Cat fireworks. “The money we banked on variety packs alone helped us spring for catering. We even got a special priest who specializes in firework accidents. I’m so glad we decided to cross state lines to stock up, otherwise there’s no way we could bear the expense of Chase’s black granite headstone.” At press time, the McKay family ended the funeral ceremony by lighting off some of Chase’s favorite fireworks.
Woman Sporting Sandal Tan Must Have Just Returned From Weekend Aboard $35 Million Yacht Off Coast Of Ibiza #~# LOS ANGELES—Gawking at the woman’s feet with a mixture of awe and envy, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 30-year-old Emma Price’s sandal tan lines must mean she just returned from a weekend aboard a $35 million yacht off the coast of Ibiza. “Ooh la la, clearly someone had a crazy weekend partying with supermodels and international sports stars,” said coworker Whitney Gonzalez, who was just one of several gathered onlookers speculating that the white streaks visible on Price’s otherwise tanned feet could be only the result of the woman popping Dom Pérignon champagne bottles on one of the vessel’s six different decks all weekend long. “Those are the marks of a billionaire heiress, plain and simple. Or she’s probably having an affair with a Russian oligarch—or most likely both. I hope she’s not too exhausted from the private jet ride home.” At press time, sources were devastated after learning Price had acquired the tan lines from spending the weekend volunteering with the homeless.
Ron DeSantis Requires Florida Residents To Reinforce Bones With Steel, Concrete #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Warning that the weak, calcified structures were particularly susceptible to critical failure, Ron DeSantis announced Wednesday that all Florida residents would be required to reinforce their bones with steel and concrete. “Starting today, all men, women, and children will be mandated to shore up their skeletal systems with columns, beams, and joists made of builder-grade cement and rebar,” said the governor, adding that residents would no longer be permitted to enter buildings, traverse bridges, or use any part of Florida’s crumbling infrastructure system unless all 206 bones in their bodies had been properly inspected, updated, and cleared by professional structural engineers to withstand over 10,000 tons of force. “Unfortunately, we’ve found that there are millions of residents currently living with outdated bones that, unbeknownst to them, will crack and splinter under the weight of a collapsing structure. Especially if your spine, skull, and ribcage have not been properly reinforced since the ’70s or ’80s, we urge you to bring them up to code immediately, lest you be fined, or worse, be crushed to death.” At press time, DeSantis added that zero state or federal funds would be diverted to the efforts, and all surgical reinforcements would have to come from Florida residents’ pockets. 
Bezos Steps Down As Amazon CEO #~# Jeff Bezos officially stepped down as Amazon’s CEO on Monday to focus on other projects, like his space exploration company Blue Origin, but will remain the e-commerce company’s executive chairman and largest shareholder. What do you think?
21 Million Floridians Evacuated After State Deemed Structurally Unsound #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Fleets of rescue helicopters, speedboats, and school buses rushed to evacuate more than 21 million Florida residents Tuesday after  the entire state—from the panhandle all the way down to Miami and the Keys—was declared structurally unsound and condemned by inspectors. “Go! Go! Go! We haven’t got much time before this whole thing collapses!” shouted civil engineer Roy Sandoval, who was helping to oversee the rescue of Floridians following a report that found no building in the state was up to code and structural damage was so pervasive that nothing in its 65,758 square miles was worth salvaging. “Whoever developed and built Florida clearly had no idea what they were doing. This place is not fit for human habitation. It’s a death trap. We need to get these people to safe ground immediately, because it’s not a matter of if Florida will cave in upon itself, but when. Honestly, the fact that it hasn’t already broken apart and crumbled into the sea is a miracle.” Documents obtained by the press confirmed that the last time Florida underwent a proper inspection was just before its application for statehood was approved in 1845.
Joey Chestnut Breaks Own Hot Dog Eating Record #~# Defending world champion Joey Chestnut broke his own record Sunday, devouring 76 hot dogs in 10 minutes, 26 more than the second-place finisher in the Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest. What do you think?
Study: ‘Truly Being Seen’ Still Ranks Among Worst Possible Experiences In Human Existence #~# STANFORD, CA—In the results of a new study published in the Journal Of Woe, researchers from Stanford University revealed Tuesday that “truly being seen” still ranks among the worst possible experiences in human existence. “We’ve found conclusive evidence that realizing somebody has managed to look past your protective façade and recognize you for who you are continues to be the most punishing and humiliating experience the human psyche is capable of withstanding,” said lead researcher David Nguyen, who noted that the phenomenon once again outranked the sensation of drowning, being on fire, and amputation of the limbs without anesthetic, and narrowly edged out feeling as if no one sees you at all. “Breaking your neck, getting mauled by a grizzly, losing your entire family in an accident you caused—our research shows they all pale in comparison to the agony of your personal desires, motivations being perceived. Interestingly enough, we found that the only worse possible human experience is seeing yourself for the miserable, weak little creature you truly are.” At press time, Nguyen concluded that this is exactly why you should never let anyone get that close to you.
Struggling Tech Company Almost Desperate Enough To Start Making Actual Product #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Deeming the move unfortunate but necessary to keep his fledgling Silicon Valley dream alive, CEO Jason Ipser told reporters Tuesday that his struggling tech company was almost desperate enough to start making an actual product. “Believe me, I never thought I’d say this, but after years of doing absolutely nothing but laze around and collect massive profits from an otherwise empty pitch, it may be time to start producing something of monetizable value,” said a visibly shaken Ipser, who added that while the company had a flashy name, a great logo, tons of positive press, a multistory downtown office, and  angel investors, he had resolved to start experimenting with some money-making initiatives that would perhaps be more lucrative than just talking out his ass. “Look, I’m not happy about it either—I more than anyone was hoping to just coast and keep raking in the dough from hugely successful funding drives and false inflation of our overall net worth. But in this market, you have to be adaptable, and sometimes that means producing something that people actually want to spend money on or find useful to the world in some way.” At press time, Ipser had retracted his statements, scrapped all research and development initiatives, and let out a sigh of relief after Amazon offered to buy the company for $500 million.
Things Everyone Wishes They Knew Before Trying To Buy Their First Car #~# A car seems like an amazing deal until it’s time to sign the sales agreement, and you discover the dealership is asking literally thousands of dollars for the vehicle. Thousands.
Parents Just Have 2-Week Hole To Fill In Before Summer Camp Lineup Complete #~# GLENCOE, IL—Reminding themselves not to get complacent as they reached the culmination of their months-long project, local parents Leah and Adam Oberg told reporters Tuesday that they only had a two-week hole to fill  before their children’s summer camp lineup was complete. “We mostly got Mackenzie out of the way early with Girl Scouts and horseback riding camp, but we’ve still got this gaping hole in Caleb’s midsummer schedule that we can’t seem to fill,” said Leah Oberg, adding that the couple knew not to rest on their laurels merely because they had secured spots at a magic-themed sleepaway camp for both children in August. “We’re really under the gun here, too. Let’s see, we’ve got swimming, karate—what else do kids like? We’ve got to tread carefully here, since Caleb’s already mad at us for sending him to tennis camp. Is there anything at the community pool? No? What the hell do you mean it’s all booked up?” At press time, the couple had fallen into a horrified silence after  realizing they forgot to book anything for their children’s  weekends in July.
Americans Eagerly Check To See If They Got Any Emails Today #~# RALEIGH, NC—Aquiver with anticipation as they entered their passcodes and then crossed their fingers, the nation’s populace  reportedly eagerly logged online Monday to see if it had gotten any new emails, crying, “Oh boy, a new message!” upon discovery of each unread communiqué. “I sure can’t wait to get a look at that inbox and see if any electronic mail has arrived!” said 55-year-old North Carolina resident Damon Washington  as he excitedly booted up his tablet, sharing in the delight of Americans from every corner of the country who were seen rubbing their hands together at the prospect that a new piece of digital correspondence might await them. “The best part is you never know what’s gonna be in there. Might be a promotional offer from one of your favorite retailers, might be a reminder about an upcoming eye doctor appointment... might even be an electronic invitation to a party. But I don’t want to jinx it! Okay, I’m tapping on my bookmark to the email website, and it’s opening up! Here we go, here we go, here we go!” At press time, reports confirmed Washington was giddily replying to an email that notified him of updates to his insurance provider’s privacy policies. 
Potential Gamer Fuel? Dove Men+Care Fresh & Clean Fortifying 2-In-1 Shampoo Has Caffeine In It And Actually Tastes Pretty Good #~# Gamers, if you’re like us, you’re always looking for tasty refreshments to help you power through those late-night, epic gaming sessions. And, it just so happens that yesterday we came across something with the potential to be our new go-to for gamer fuel. It’s affordable, has a nice bit of caffeine in it, and also tastes pretty good. What is it, you may ask?
Supreme Court Upholds Arizona Voting Restrictions #~# The Supreme Court upheld Arizona’s voting restrictions, which experts say will limit the ability of minorities to challenge state laws in the future that they say are discriminatory under the Voting Rights Act. What do you think?
‘The Office’ Actors Launch Podcast Urging Fans To Try Watching Something New #~# LOS ANGELES—Responding to countless fan requests for a cast reunion, iHeartMedia announced the launch of a new podcast Monday in which actors from The Office will get together and urge fans to try watching something new. “Every week, your favorite actor from Dunder Mifflin will lead you on a deep dive into the numerous other ways Office fans can spend their time instead of starting the series over again,” said producer Brian Billings, explaining that hosts Brian Baumgartner, Jenna Fischer, and Angela Kinsey will revisit iconic episodes of the beloved NBC sitcom and share exclusive behind-the-scenes stories about other shows that were airing at the same time, as well as listing activities like going on a walk, baking bread, or reading a novel that listeners could be doing instead. “Each episode will feature a selection of Scranton’s most lovable paper pushers really digging into how there are so many other solid shows that would be more rewarding to watch than the ‘Diversity Day’ episode for the 29th time. We’re also going to have a recurring segment in which the writers and crew members behind your favorite moments join the gang to comment on the diminishing returns of watching a show that is more than a decade out of date at this point and how it is almost certainly putting you out of touch with modern culture and the people around you. And Office superfans won’t want to miss Mindy Kaling’s on-air plea for people who use quotations from the show to realize that this whole thing is hardening into an outright pathology.” Billings went on to play a preview clip from the podcast in which Rainn Wilson and John Krasinski reunite to tell listeners that just switching over to the British version of the show doesn’t count.
If Job Search Fails, Woman Knows She Can Always Find Work As Sole Protector Of Someone Else’s Children #~# SEATTLE—Taking comfort in the fact that she had a fallback plan, area woman Gwen Ponte reminded herself Monday that if her job search failed, she could always find work as the sole protector of someone else’s children. “I’d love to find an office job, but if I can’t land anything, at least I can always scrape by as the lone arbiter of whether another person’s child lives or dies,” said the 33-year-old, reassuring herself that even if full-time employment didn’t pan out, she could still get a temporary gig holding the very existence of a vulnerable toddler or kindergartner in her hands. “A lot of these listings are asking for people with more of a resume than me, which sucks, but I understand these companies don’t trust someone who only has enough experience to be the only thing standing between a four-year-old ingesting poison or getting run over by car. But it’s nice knowing I can lean on something simple like that until I  get my foot in the door at a real job.” At press time, Ponte had opted not to apply for a branch supervisor position since it sounded like way too much responsibility. 
U.S. Celebrates Independence Day #~# This Fourth of July marks the 245th year of our independence as a nation. How are you celebrating?
Dog Really Freaked Out By Fireworks Shot At Face #~# DAYTON, OH—Expressing frustration at their pet’s continual barking and whimpering, sources within the Smyth family confirmed Sunday that their dog Jasper had gotten completely freaked out by the Independence Day fireworks getting shot directly at his face. “Poor little guy is so skittish, he  can’t even handle it when  a small firecracker or smoke bomb explodes into his snout,” said Dylan Smyth, 33, noting that the use of calming measures such as keeping the dog indoors and wrapping him in an anxiety vest had done little to prevent him from going crazy when an incendiary device was aimed at him and detonated. “We’ve tried giving him some of his favorite treats or distracting him with a toy, but he’s just so agitated. I wish he’d understand that it’s only a few hours of fun. Then we’ll get bored and it will be over.” Smyth added that he hadn’t seen Jasper this freaked out since a bad storm a few months ago where he’d gotten struck by lightning.
‘Someone’s Gotta Occupy Afghanistan,’ Grumbles Dick Cheney, Shoving Firearms Into Suitcase #~# WILSON, WY—Following news that the military withdrawal had ramped up after U.S. troops pulled out of Bagram Airfield, former Vice President Dick Cheney was overheard Friday muttering “Someone’s gotta occupy Afghanistan” as he shoved a cache of firearms into a suitcase. “It’s a dirty job, keeping those terrorists in line, but by God, I’ll do it myself if I have to,” said the 80-year-old former defense secretary, sticking a tactical knife into his ankle holster before placing C-4 explosives, grenades, and his travel neck pillow into a duffel bag. “I should’ve known this day would come. You think you’re all hunky-dory, just set it and forget it over there, but then these assholes go and screw everything up. Now I have to call Condi [Rice], Colin [Powell], and Bob [Gates] and tell them to cancel their plans and come help me. Christ, I’m getting too old for this shit. And where are my goddamn M16s? Well, it’s like I always say: Don’t send an army to do Dick Cheney’s job.” At press time, Cheney was reportedly cursing his late mentor Donald Rumsfeld “for taking the easy way out” as he drew up battle plans to reinvade Afghanistan by himself.
Congressional Democrats Put On Elaborate 4th Of July Pageant To Teach Republicans Importance Of Democracy #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to educate the opposition party on the true value of civic engagement, congressional Democrats staged an elaborate 4th of July pageant Friday in an effort to teach their Republican colleagues the importance of democracy.
Labor Department Announces Plans To Stop Counting Jobs And Just Enjoy Economy #~# WASHINGTON—Vowing to never again make the same mistake, the U.S. Department of Labor announced Friday that they would stop obsessing about counting jobs and just enjoy the economy for what it already is. “We’ve gotten so caught up with the whole jobs counting thing over the years that we forgot to appreciate all that the economy offers us right here and now,” said Secretary of Labor Marty Walsh, who proceeded to tear a copy of the latest U.S. jobs report in two and throw the scraps in the air before pronouncing that it was time for everyone to simply live and let live. “Look, we’ve done this bean counting grind every month for, what, eight decades? And where has it gotten us, huh? The jobs report is just a number. What’s really important is how the economy makes you feel. I mean, how many jobs does a rainbow make? How about a rainstorm? Do you dig what I’m putting down here?” At press time, Walsh was encouraging the newly laid off employees of the Bureau of Labor Statistics to take a deep breath and live in the moment.
Bill Cosby’s Sexual Assault Conviction Overturned #~# Bill Cosby’s sexual assault conviction has been overturned, freeing him from prison after Pennsylvania courts found a technicality preventing him from being charged in the case. What do you think?
Flying Car Completes 35-Minute Test Flight #~# A new hybrid car-aircraft prototype, which can transform from plane to road vehicle in under three minutes, has completed a 35-minute flight between two airports in Slovakia. What do you think?
NCAA Announces Plans To Let Players Make Money Off Dick Vitale’s Likeness #~# INDIANAPOLIS—In response to mounting pressure to pay student-athletes, the NCAA announced plans Thursday to allow players to earn money from the name, image, and likeness of veteran basketball commentator Dick Vitale. “While we have long held it would be antithetical to the spirit of college sports to permit these young people to profit off the popularity of a beloved 82-year-old sportscaster, we will now permit them to sell as many Diaper Dandy or Dickie V­–branded T-shirts as they wish,” said president Mark Allen Emmert, who confirmed the decision shortly after the U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled the NCAA had violated antitrust law with the limits it placed on player compensation. “Effective immediately, our student-athletes will be able to license Mr. Vitale’s name and treasured catchphrases for use in any form of media. Whether they wish to sell the rights to a Dick Vitale video game franchise, launch a line of ‘Dipsy-doo dunk-a-roo’ snack cakes, or collect fees through Cameo by forcing Dick to tell his fans they’re ‘awesome, baby,’ it’s all fair game now.” At press time, Emmert expressed relief that the controversial issue of player compensation could now be put to rest once and for all.
Supreme Court Waits In Line For Hours Before Voting To Uphold Arizona Restrictions #~# WASHINGTON—Struggling to stay on their feet as they stood outside their assigned polling place, the nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly waited in line for hours Thursday before they were able to cast their votes to uphold voting restrictions enacted by the Arizona legislature. “God, I thought it would be just a quick in and out, but I can’t even see the front of the line from here,” said Chief Justice John Roberts  from his place near the middle of the queue, which snaked down First Street in the high court’s northeast D.C. neighborhood. “It’ll take another hour to make it to the bottom of all those steps, and it could be dark before I finally get inside the Great Hall. Don’t they know some people have to work for a living? I’ve got other cases to hear, and I can’t wait around all day. Guess I should have packed a lunch.” At press time, sources confirmed Associate Justice Amy Coney Barrett had been forced to squat behind a marble pillar and relieve herself in order to avoid missing her chance to vote.
What To Know About The Delta Covid Variant #~# The spread of the Delta coronavirus variant is prompting renewed concerns about the dangers of Covid. The Onion answers the most important questions about the Delta Covid variant..
Man Arrested For Stealing 21 Tons Of Pistachios #~# A California man has been arrested for allegedly stealing 21 tons of pistachio nuts valued at over $100,000 from an agricultural company, with authorities eventually finding the nuts hidden inside a nearby trailer and already packaged for resale. What do you think?
109 Details About ‘Grand Theft Auto VI’ We’re Throwing Out Because You Never Know We Might Be Right #~# Hot on the heels of the announcement that the next Grand Theft Auto is due out in 2025, it’s time to dive into some of the most tantalizing rumors surrounding what’s sure to be one of the defining games of the next generation. Here are 108 details about Grand Theft Auto VI that we’re throwing out because you never know, we might be right?
Man Arriving Late To Meet Friends At Restaurant Banished To Farthest Reaches Of Table #~# PORTLAND, ME—Mere moments after arriving late to a dinner with friends at Daniel’s Restaurant and Pub,  33-year-old software engineer Gregory Lasman  found himself banished to the furthest reaches of the table, sources confirmed Friday. Eyewitness accounts revealed that for the offense of arriving 12 minutes after the 7:30pm reservation, Lasman was condemned to the most remote regions of the dining table, leaving him straining to make out a single word of conversation while trapped between his friend’s new girlfriend and someone’s brother who was visiting from out of town. Sources noted that Lasman spent the majority of his exile cursing his own hubris for making him spend precious minutes showering before going out and failing to heed warnings that he should catch an earlier bus, becoming particularly despondent after spotting a plate of potato skins that he knew would never make it to the  hinterlands where he would eek out his dinner. At press time, Lasman had reportedly made friends with the waiter out of a desperate desire to simply make it through the meal.
Biologists Discover Roots Of Washington Monument Have Spread Over 400 Feet Underground #~# WASHINGTON—Calling it one of the world’s largest living organisms, biologists from Georgetown University discovered Thursday that the roots of the Washington Monument have spread over 400 feet underground. “It appears that since first being planted, the root structure of the Monument has grown far beyond its original site and now threatens nearby structures across the National Mall,” said researcher Jana Fielding, who claims the root system has spread to cover such a large portion of the nation’s capital in order to absorb as much moisture as possible in the hot D.C. climate. “Frankly, an invasive monument like this never should have been brought to Washington. It’s choking off the Jefferson Memorial’s root system, and if we don’t act quickly, we’re going to see some serious property damage on 14th Street. Of course, we can try shaving away the sides of the Memorial to lower its watering needs. But if that doesn’t work we may have to cut it down completely.” At press time, environmental activists had chained themselves around the base of the Monument to protest any potential government tampering.
Donald Rumsfeld Survived By 1 Million Fewer Iraqis #~# TAOS, NM—Former U.S. secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld passed away Wednesday at 88 years old, sources confirmed, and is survived by 1 million fewer Iraqis. “It is with tremendous sorrow that we share the passing of an American icon, whose legacy in decades of shaping U.S. foreign policy will be felt by the hundreds of thousands of Iraqi men, women, and children who might otherwise still be alive,” read an obituary of the former U.S. congressman, White House chief of staff, and RAND Corporation chairman, adding that he also leaves behind an incalculable number of current and former prisoners who will feel his influence for the rest of their lives. “After a long and rich life, Donald leaves behind the stark absence of so many Iraqi mothers, fathers, uncles and aunts, grandparents, children, and grandchildren, as well as innumerable never-to-be-born potential descendants. He also leaves behind hundreds of thousands fewer Afghans, and we cannot forget the untold lives he has also helped snuff out through his proud work with defense and pharmaceutical companies in the private sector. He may be gone, but his impact will be felt forever.” Following the former defense secretary’s cremation, the family would reportedly act in accordance with his wishes by force-feeding his ashes to prisoners at Guantanamo.
Rumsfeld Family Immediately Squabbling Over Who Will Inherit Mounted Heads Of Iraqi Civilians #~# TAOS,  NM—Raising tensions between the relatives to a fever pitch mere moments  after the patriarch’s demise, the family of Donald Rumsfeld immediately began  squabbling over who would inherit his collection of mounted heads of  Iraqi civilians, sources confirmed Thursday. “Grandpa would want me to  have them since he knew how much I loved them growing up,” said  grandchild Lawrence Rumsfeld, dismissing the claims from Rumsfeld’s  wife Joyce Pierson that the former defense secretary had promised on his  deathbed to give her the set of severed and stuffed  heads from families killed in Operation Iraqi Freedom. “I used  to curl up and read under the little Iraqi child—the one that grandpa  cherished with all  his heart. He worked so hard to acquire it. On the other hand, Marcy  never even cared about the mounted heads until today! And for the last  time, no, we are not not going  to divide them. These heads only work as a set.” At press time, the  family had agreed that this would have been much easier if Rumsfeld had  simply included instructions for the heads in his will as he had with his shares in  Raytheon and Northrop Grumman.
Ford Introduces New Environmentally Friendly Brown Paper Airbags #~# DEARBORN, MI—In what the auto manufacturer described as its boldest step yet in an ongoing effort to “be kinder to the planet,” Ford announced Thursday that its entire 2022 line of vehicles would come equipped with environmentally friendly brown paper airbags. “To help conserve natural resources, the bags in our occupant-restraint systems will now be sourced from 100% post-consumer materials and will be completely biodegradable after impact,” said Ford spokesperson Manny Gutiérrez, who added that sustainability was the foremost concern in the development of the airbags, taking precedence over factors such as cushioning, tensile strength, and ability to a halt speeding projectile. “While the brown paper airbags will be offered as a standard feature on all Ford cars and trucks, we’re asking that our customers do their part, too. After deployment, please remove any stray bits of bone, brain, or viscera from the airbag, stumble to the nearest recycling bin, and place the bag in a properly marked receptacle to ensure it doesn’t wind up in a landfill.” Though he stressed that it was ideal to reduce consumption of airbags by avoiding collisions in the first place, Gutiérrez noted that the brown paper could also be reused as gift wrap, packaging material, or a spooky, blood-soaked Halloween decoration.
Study: Half Of U.S. Cosmetics Contain Toxic ‘Forever Chemicals’ #~# A recent study found more than half of U.S. cosmetics contain “forever chemicals,” toxic industrial compounds called PFAS, that are linked to cancer and reduced birth weight, with the highest levels found in waterproof mascara and long-lasting lipstick. What do you think?
Javy Báez Wishes He’d Found More Tactful Way To Express Desire For All Mets Fans To Eat Shit And Die #~# NEW YORK—Admitting that it was not the most clear way of communicating, Mets second baseman Javier Báez told reporters Tuesday he wishes he had found a more tactful way to tell Mets fans that they should eat shit and die. “Those thumbs down were childish and unproductive, and I should have simply spoken up to let fans know they’re all useless pieces of shit that turned on us as soon as we started losing, and they can all rot in hell,” said Báez, who promised next time he got frustrated, he would be more straightforward and throw up the double bird or spit on a fan. “I should’ve communicated that each and every fan is a completely useless fucking slob and it is beneath me to debase myself for them. I got caught up in the heat of the moment, but I want to make it clear now that Mets fans are the dregs of the MLB, they deserve nothing, and I hope every single one of them dies a horrible, painful death.” At press time, Báez had tweeted a message of unity that both players and fans should be united in directing their ire towards the cowardly, short-sighted Mets management.
E.U. Drops U.S. From List Of Covid-Safe Countries For Travel #~# The European Union, which had been slowly reopening to American tourists since May, has now recommended that Americans should be banned from nonessential travel to its member states after a rise in Covid-19 cases in the United States. What do you think?
Final U.S. Soldiers In Afghanistan Do Some Last-Second Nation-Building On Way To Plane #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Making sure to use all the time they had remaining to leave the country with a strong national identity and political stability, the final U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan reportedly did some last-second nation-building Monday on the way to the plane as they completed their evacuation. “We were heading in that direction anyway, so we figured we’d help them figure out how to make a self-sustaining democratic political institution real quick,” said U.S. Army captain Aaron Muehlstein, thrusting copies of the U.S. Constitution into the hands of desperate Afghans begging to flee the country as the soldiers shouted their final attempts to promote a civil society and robust market-oriented economy while boarding the last cargo plane leaving the airport. “Take a role in the world community! Remember your democratic values! Foreign diplomacy! Education is key! And women and girls—don’t forget to empower them!” At press time, the U.S. soldiers were waving farewell to the Afghans as the Taliban destroyed the last remnants of U.S. occupation.
Best Ways To Keep A Spark In A Long-Distance Relationship #~# Why should your relationship lack romance just because you can’t touch, feel, or experience your partner in the same room ever again? If you’re dating someone long-distance, here are the best ways to keep the spark.
Insecure Package Can’t Believe Delivery Guy Shared Photo Where It Looks Like Shit #~# BRIGHTON,  ME—Lamenting that the single blurry image managed to highlight all of  its worst characteristics, an insecure Amazon Prime package confirmed Tuesday that it couldn’t believe the delivery guy shared a  photo where it looked like complete shit. “God, he didn’t give me any  chance to get ready after he threw me over the fence—plus, the harsh  lighting makes me look especially fucking terrible,” said the anxious  package, stressing that its self-image had already hit rock bottom due  to the days of travel that left its cardboard worn out and misshapen.  “I’m not one of those Lululemon boxes that’s obsessed with constantly  looking sexy. All I’m asking is that this guy maybe takes a few extra  pictures before he sends the photo off to some total stranger who’s just going  to judge me for how awful I look.  Goddamnit, this sucks.” The Amazon box added that its self-esteem was  also absolutely shot because it knew that deep down it only contained  some Metamucil and a pack of ballpoint pens.
First ‘Murder Hornet’ Nest Of 2021 Destroyed #~# Washington State officials say that the first Asian giant hornet nest discovered this year, containing 1,500 invasive “murder hornets” that decapitate honeybees when they enter their “slaughtering phase,” has been destroyed. What do you think?
U.S. Airstrike Sends Tough Message To 4-Year-Old Afghans Not To Mess With America #~# WASHINGTON—Justifying the attacks that reportedly killed 10 civilians in Kabul as “absolutely necessary,” a U.S. drone strike sent a tough message to 4-year-old Afghans not to mess with America, Pentagon sources confirmed Monday. “I will not mince words here—the United States is an unmatched power on the global stage, and I hope Middle Eastern preschoolers will now think twice before threatening America,” said U.S. Army Major General William Taylor, insisting that the violent airstrike carried out in a residential neighborhood of Kabul was the only way to deliver a clear warning that “any preschooler out there, no matter where you live, will get what’s coming to you if you cross America.” “Whether you’re making motor noises while playing with a toy car or filling a hole in the ground with water from a plastic bucket, 4-year-olds across the globe need to know that the United States will not be intimidated and will immediately strike back with precision and ire.  In your homes or your schools, taking a nap or enjoying a snack, our drones will find you and we will make you pay.” At press time, Taylor said his team had no choice but to take a troubling crayon scribble  that they couldn’t decode as a concrete written threat.
Report: Virtual Reality Still No Closer To Allowing Users To Make Out With Abraham Lincoln #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a new report issued Monday by researchers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Media Lab, years of advances in virtual reality have brought users no closer to being able to make out with a digital interface resembling Abraham Lincoln. “While technology can now provide us with convincing interactive experiences in a variety of artificial environments, we are still unable to simulate convincing, steamy tongue kisses with President Lincoln,” said MIT professor Spencer Roberts, explaining that VR had repeatedly failed to recreate the sensations of loosening the 16th U.S. president’s black bow tie, caressing his chest, feeling his taut, well-muscled shoulders, and wrapping one’s legs around his powerful 6-foot-4-inch frame. “We’ve spent close to $65 million on this problem, and while we have succeeded in providing users with a recreation of what his stiff beard might have felt like against their cheek, we have yet to construct a workable replication of this rail-splitting frontiersman’s lean and lanky flesh, which they could then explore with their lips. It’s unfortunate, because this technology showed so much promise back in 1990, when we first built a computer that could run a 16-bit animated graphic of Lincoln doing a striptease that concluded with him wearing nothing but his stovepipe hat.” Roberts went on to contrast the failure with VR’s runaway success in building a simulation of what it would feel like to get drilled from behind by Lyndon B. Johnson.
Elizabeth Holmes Arrives To Trial With Prototype For Black Box That Will Prove Her Innocence #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Touting the piece of technology as revolutionizing the legal industry, Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes reportedly arrived for the beginning of her trial for wire fraud Monday with a prototype for a black box that will prove her innocence. “Too often what we see in criminal cases like this is a rush to convict based on scant and dubious evidence, but what this incredible machine allows us to do is conclusively prove my innocence in just a few minutes,” said Holmes, showing the judge how the tabletop prototype worked by simply scanning a person’s fingerprints and establishing her innocence for over 200 different crimes. “Inside the device, which I recently patented, tiny internet-connected modules run real-time tests using your fingerprint data to obtain a comprehensive picture of the defendant’s personal history and psychological profile, which it then compares to statistical models of criminal behavior and aggregated judicial analytics to render a verdict, which in my case I am positive will be innocence. Because the Darrow, as we’ve named the device after famed lawyer Clarence Darrow, is able to render the correct verdict with over 150% more accuracy than a typical legal trial. It also allows us to get the verdict in mere minutes, obviating the need for a difficult trial that can go on for months or even years. It’s all right here in this one convenient black box.” At press time, the judge had invited Holmes to inform him how he could get in on the ground floor of the legal black box project, saying he had some cash saved up to invest.
TikTok Bans ‘Milk Crate Challenge’ #~# TikTok has banned videos featuring the “milk crate challenge,” which showed users attempting to climb milk crates stacked in a pyramid, after many people were injured, explaining the platform “prohibits content that promotes or glorifies dangerous acts.” What do you think?
That Was Scary: We Just Totally Freaked Ourselves Out Imagining Darth Maul Riding A Yoshi #~# Oof, gamers. Sorry if we’re a bit shaken up, but something pretty disturbing just happened. We were just hanging out, snacking on some pretzels, and daydreaming about some kind of Star Wars and Mario mash-up when our thoughts took a dark, dark turn. You see, everything was going fine until we suddenly began to imagine Darth Maul riding a Yoshi, and man, did that freak us out. 
New VA Initiative Helps Get Homeless Veterans Into Bigger Tents #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to aid unhoused service members, the Department of Veteran Affairs announced Monday a new initiative to help get homeless veterans into bigger tents. “It’s frankly disgusting that these men and women who nobly served their country are consigned to sleeping in a cramped pop-up where they barely have room to stretch out, and we are committed to doing something about it,” said VA secretary Denis McDonough, telling reporters that the initiative would aim to provide former military personnel a high-quality 3-person tent with a screened-in porch area to host guests. “Our goal is to ensure that within the next five years, every hero who is sleeping on the ground can move into a luxurious REI tent containing multiple vestibules for clothing and personal possessions. And for those who need it, we will also provide a complimentary steel stake for them to fight off potential intruders.” McDonough added that this was only a temporary solution and the agency’s ultimate goal was to place all the homeless veterans in a giant circus tent where we never have to think about them again. 
MTA Returns Rider’s $2.75 Fare After Unsatisfactory Subway Experience #~# NEW YORK—In a heartfelt and thorough public apology, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority announced Monday that they had returned a rider’s $2.75 fare after the man reported an unsatisfactory subway experience. “Early this morning, we received word that a passenger on the Q train experienced a ride that did not meet the high expectations the MTA holds for ourselves—we’d like to announce that we’ve since issued that customer a full refund,” said CEO Janno Lieber, who promised that the MTA was reviewing their procedures and would take every step moving forward to ensure that the experience did not repeat itself. “This is not the MTA we strive to represent, and the fact that trash was under this customer’s seat is absolutely inexcusable. We are equally disturbed by reports that this customer had to stand on the platform for an additional 10 minutes while the train was late this morning, and will be launching a full-scale investigation in response. We are so sorry, and as a token of our appreciation for his continued loyalty, we’d like to offer this customer the next 10 rides on us.” At press time, Lieber added that in the future, he hoped the MTA customer would be able to masturbate on the train in peace.
Belgian Woman Banned From Zoo After 4-Year ‘Affair’ With Chimp #~# A woman in Belgium has been banned from visiting a chimpanzee at a zoo, with officials saying the 4-year-long friendship, which she called ‘an affair,’ was causing the other chimps to exclude the animal. What do you think?
Bullshit Alternative Medical Procedures You Should Never Have Done #~# Anything other than a large chunk of amethyst hanging from your neck is basically a scam and a waste of time.
Poll Finds 65% Of U.S. Workers Actively Searching For New Job #~# A new poll has found that 65% of U.S. employees are looking for a new job, nearly double the number surveyed in May, with workers citing wanting better pay, expanded benefits, or workplace flexibility as their top reasons. What do you think?
Nation Stunned That 20-Year Catastrophe Could End So Catastrophically #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing disbelief after an attack on evacuees at the Kabul airport killed Afghan civilians and U.S. troops fleeing a war zone, the nation was reportedly stunned Friday that a 20-year catastrophe could end so catastrophically. “You could never imagine in a million years that a barbaric disaster could result in a barbaric disaster like this,” said Euclid, OH resident Peter Olean, echoing tens of millions of Americans who were baffled that a pointlessly violent quagmire from start to finish wasn’t going out on a high note. “We’re watching several decades of chaos devolve into chaos right at the end—I mean, who could’ve seen that coming? Things had been going so poorly for 20 years, with so much needless loss of human life, but you never expect that the end would go so poorly and result in the needless loss of human life. It boggles the mind. Honestly, it makes you wonder if the evacuation and the last 20 years of brutal military incursion in Afghanistan should have happened at all.” After hearing about Blackwater founder Erik Prince and others charging thousands of dollars to evacuate desperate people out of Afghanistan, the disgusted nation was reportedly floored to learn that a 20-year conflict engineered to make war profiteers rich could end with war profiteers getting rich.
Nation’s Stage Managers Announce 5 Minutes To Places #~# WASHINGTON—Striding briskly through the country’s backstage areas, the nation’s stage managers announced Friday that there were five minutes until places. “We’re on in five, folks,” said the theatrical production managers, wearing headsets and holding clipboards as they informed the nation’s cast members they should do any last-minute costume adjustments and ensure their props were in place. “Remember, I’m going to be in the booth during the show, so if you need help, you’ll need to talk to one of the stagehands. Break a leg, everybody!” At press time, the nation’s 328.2 million individuals had shouted back, “Thank you, five,” in perfect unison. 
DeSantis Locks Down Florida After Spread Of Covid Vaccination Gets Out Of Hand #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Urging residents to stay in their homes and away from medical facilities, Governor Ron DeSantis locked down Florida Friday after the spread of Covid vaccinations got out of hand. “With inoculation numbers skyrocketing across the Sunshine State, I have been forced the take the extreme measure of locking Florida down to combat the vaccine spread,” said DeSantis, explaining that until CDC data shows a sustained drop in the vaccination rate, all pharmacies and clinics would be mandated to close. “I cannot stress enough the importance of wearing bicep coverings to protect yourself from Covid vaccines. Because if gone unchecked, the Moderna and Pfizer vaccine variants could end up saving the lives of thousands of Floridians. So, please be on your guard.” At press time, DeSantis was encouraged by new evidence confirming that Florida’s life expectancy was steadily dropping.
Report: Click On Some Ads Around This Article And We’ll Split The Loot 60/40 #~# CHICAGO—Offering readers a nice little kickback in exchange for their assistance, a report released Friday promised that if you click on some ads around this article, The Onion would spit the loot 60/40. “We can confirm that your efforts to click on the advertisements around our website will generate profits for The Onion, and we will slip you a handsome cut for your troubles,” the report read in part, explaining that just a few simple clicks on a targeted banner ad or sponsored link had the potential to richly reward both parties, if everyone plays along that is.“Sure, we’re keeping the lion’s share, but we’re also taking on all the risk with our advertisers and everything. Just keep this shit on the down low. If they catch wind of this, we’re totally fucked, so you’re actually getting the better end of the deal here. It’s just a couple of ad impressions, what’s the harm? So, what do you say? If you scratch our back, we’ll scratch yours.” At press time, sources added that if you so much as a make a goddamn peep about this to our ad partners, The Onion will break your fucking legs.
What To Say When Someone Asks Why You Don’t Have Kids #~# Deciding not to become a parent is a deeply personal choice, but for some, it’s also the perfect excuse to start a loud and dumb conversation. If someone asks you why you don’t have kids, this is exactly what you should say.
Wedding Has Photo Booth To Document Precious Joy Of Escaping Party #~# FRANKLIN, TN—Calling the activity “a huge hit,” local wedding guests told reporters Friday that they were delighted to discover the event had a little photo booth to document the precious joy of escaping the party. “We absolutely adored the photo booth—it’s so nice to have a little memento to remember the only sliver of reprieve we got the entire night,” said 28-year-old Natalie Green, stating that she and her partner “had a total blast” attempting to kill as much time as possible at the relatively secluded booth before being dragged back to the epicenter of the festivities by an overbearing aunt who insisted she make small talk with cousins. “My favorite prop was the big sparkly top hat I used to hide my face and scream. It’s just such a cute idea to give guests a place where they can unclench their jaw, check their phones for 10 seconds, and plan a strategy for what the fuck they’re going to say to their old friends from high school.” At press time, Green added that she hadn’t had that much fun at a wedding since she spent 30 minutes hiding in a bathroom stall at her own reception. 
Timeline Of The New ‘Jeopardy’ Host Debacle #~# Following the death of longtime host Alex Trebek last fall, the game show Jeopardy! launched a much-publicized effort to find a replacement that has met with its share of controversies. The Onion looks at a timeline of the biggest moments in the new Jeopardy! host debacle.
Blackwater Founder Charging $6.5K To Fly People Out Of Afghanistan #~# Erik Prince, the private military contractor and Blackwater founder who made billions off the United States’ wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, is planning to charge $6,500 per seat on a chartered evacuation flight out of Kabul. What do you think?
Naked ‘Nevermind’ Baby Sues Nirvana For ‘Child Pornography’ #~# Spencer Elden, who appeared as the naked baby on the cover of Nirvana’s 1991 album Nevermind, is suing the band over alleged “child sexual exploitation,” claiming the artwork is child pornography. What do you think?
Apologetic Nurse Informs Man Having Heart Attack There’s About An Hour Wait Until Next Covid Patient Dies #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Promising to let him know as soon as something becomes available, nurse Janae Howager informed a man having a heart attack Thursday that there was about an hour wait until the next Covid-19 patient died. “Sorry, we just had a couple large groups of infected people come in, so it could be anywhere from an hour to a couple days depending on how long they can hold on,” said Howager, revealing that something would definitely open up due to the virus’s high fatality rate, adding that he was more than welcome to sit in the lobby and have some complementary aspirin to keep his blood from clotting until it does. “If you can’t wait, there are a few other hospitals in the area that you can try, but most places have overbooked their ICUs. Now, there are just a couple of people who were in a car accident and a gunshot victim ahead of you, but a few of our Covid patients’ oxygen levels are pretty low, so there could be a quick turnaround.” At press time, Howager was wheeling the man’s gurney into the emergency room early after someone died ahead of schedule. 
Charlie Watts Confused After Running Into Keith Richards In The Afterlife #~# THE HEAVENS—Recently deceased former Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts was reportedly confused Thursday after running into old bandmate Keith Richards in the afterlife. “Keith, man, long time no—wait, what are you doing here?” the ethereal form of the late celebrated rock and jazz drummer was heard to utter after bumping into Richards, who he presumed to still be among the living. “I definitely saw you not that long ago. Although it’s pretty weird that you’re not surprised to see me. Did you die around the same time as I did and I just missed you on the way into the light? But you’re  holding that cocktail glass so it seems like you’ve been here a while. I’m glad to see you, though, I guess?” The heavenly form of Watts reportedly became even more confused after Richards suggested linking back up in Heaven after his trip to Paris and Saint-Tropez next week.
Common Job Interview Questions That Are Actually Illegal #~# No applicant can be compelled to divulge information about themselves that could lead to them not getting hired.
Man Way Too Deep Into Fantasy League To Ask What ‘PPR’ Means Now #~# CUDDEBACKVILLE, NY—Estimating that the rule change had been made at least five seasons ago, local fantasy football player Gregg Holiday revealed Thursday that he was way too deep into his fantasy league to ask what the acronym “PPR” stood for now. “I don’t know, man, I’ve always thought it was ‘play perception ratio,’” said Holiday, who insisted that the gap in knowledge hadn’t stopped his team from a strong 5th-place finish last year. “I took a look at the PPR big board and it was all the same guys on my regular cheat sheet. What gives? It might have something to do with quarterbacks—‘points for passer rating?’ I’m way too far gone to check now.” At press time, Holiday reached out to the league commissioner to ask what “TD” stood for.
Humanitarian Organization ‘Doctors Without Dimensions’ Phases Into War-Torn Nonlinear Universe #~# THE MULTIVERSE—Responding to an ongoing multi-gigannum conflict that had been ravaging innumerous timelines in a single second for 500,000 years, humanitarian organization Doctors Without Dimensions reportedly phased into a war-torn nonlinear universe Thursday. “We’ve been warping to spatial time-parts of quantum-Tethys for six minutes and billions of years now, and the destruction wrought by para-centuries of interstellar time battles, antimatter bombs, and hand-to-hand ground conflict is some of the worst we’ve ever witnessed,” said Dr. Landon L’ZZ.(ARC), a longtime Doctors Without Dimensions aid worker, who was in the middle of performing his 15th, 23rd, and 10 trillionth simultaneous cleft tentacle surgery of the day on a young 79.6-light-year-old trans-dimensional being. “There’s been a complete lack of infrastructure here on most of visible-spectrum quantum-Tethys for the past hundred thousand ur-years in over 90% of all timelines, and we’ve got to do everything we can to get these life forms basic needs like water, omni-sunlight, and cybernetic inserts, especially since we’ve been to the future and know that this conflict will continue for eons. Some of these communities don’t even have access to the 3D space they desperately need in order for us to perform surgeries, or the kinds of trained personnel who can hold all 100 trillion megaverse medical treatments in their mind-field simultaneously. We call on all members of the nonlinear universe to help us treat the suffering beings of this war-torn part of space and time.” Aid workers from Doctors Without Dimensions added the ongoing destruction was among the worst they’d ever seen, up there with 2005 TB190, Iapetus 2, the 3060s Arctic States, Mirror Astrea, -11110000.B5, and Haiti. 
Airbnb To Provide Temporary Housing For 20,000 Afghan Refugees #~# Airbnb has announced it will provide 20,000 Afghan refugees temporary housing in properties listed on its platform globally free of charge. What do you think?
Exciting News, Gamers: The Vengeful Nobleman We’re Always Mocking Has Invited Us To Try A Rare Video Game In The Catacombs Of His Estate #~# Get ready, because we’ve got some absolutely thrilling news to share with you: Myron Vanpabst, the vengeful nobleman we’re always mocking, has just invited us to try a rare video game in the catacombs of his estate!
Vaccine Skeptic Does Own Research By Enrolling 45,000 Friends In Double-Blind Clinical Trial #~# SUMMIT, NJ—Determined to gather all the facts before drawing any conclusions, local vaccine skeptic Joel Edwards was reportedly doing his own research Wednesday by enrolling 45,000 friends in a double-blind clinical trial. “It’s important to always think for yourself, which is why I’m conducting a 5-year, 3-phase, placebo-controlled study with tens of thousands of volunteers from across the country,” said the 32-year-old car wash attendant, who explained that he had divided the trial participants into two randomized groups, one which he would inject with the Pfizer-BioNTech Covid-19 vaccine, and the other whom he would administer an injection of saline solution. “Listen, I’m no sucker. You’re free to be a sheep, but I’m not going to take anything the government tells me for granted without conducting a multi-million dollar study published in the New England Journal Of Medicine proving the safety and efficacy of mRNA vaccines.” At press time, Edwards was feeling incredibly validated after learning all participants who had received the Covid-19 vaccine had either become infertile, autistic, or died.
Kathy Hochul Becomes First Female Governor Of New York #~# Kathy Hochul has been officially sworn in as New York’s first-ever female governor, replacing now-former Governor Andrew Cuomo who resigned after a state investigation found he had sexually harassed 11 women. What do you think?
Medical Experts Hopeful That Gene Editing Will Soon Allow Sick Kids To Have Super Weird Pets #~# BOSTON—Noting that the groundbreaking biotechnology could change the medical field forever, doctors at Boston Children’s Hospital told reporters Wednesday they were hopeful that gene editing would soon allow sick kids to have super weird pets. “Thanks to promising advances in CRISPR technology, we’re more confident than ever that children with rare, incurable diseases could one day own a puppy with tentacles, a guinea pig with wings, or a goldfish with long beautiful hair,” said chief of pediatric medicine Dr. Sophia Anderson, adding that the quality of life for ailing children could dramatically improve with even just a single visit from a giant, two-headed puppy or a three-eyed, snake with antlers that meows like a cat. “Previously, these poor children were left to suffer with no hope of ever being able to live out their lives with a glowing lizard that can sing opera, or a bird with human hands instead of wings. But now, we’re just a few years away from every single one of them being greeted by a rainbow-colored rabbit that can speak perfect Spanish, and we could not be more excited.” At press time, Anderson clarified that it would be a few years before any such treatment was used widely after a terrible accident where a sick child was inadvertently eaten by a horse with a shark’s head.
Man In 2055 Accidentally Uploads Virtual Penis Directly Into Colleagues’ Brains #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Derailing a digital company meeting in the year 2055, colleagues of future man Pete Dorner confirmed Wednesday that the respected architect had accidentally uploaded his virtual penis directly into their brains in the middle of a work call. “Oh God, oh no—please disregard my last intracranial memo, everyone, there’s been a terrible mistake,” read a follow-up data blip projected into the corneas of Dorner’s 28 workmates as he futilely tried to exit out of the holographic user interface, rushing to rinse off the protoplasmic gel that had created a perfect replica of his penis and implanted it into the minds of his coworkers. “Oh God, how do I delete this—no, no, no, I’ve made it bigger. Please, if you are able, turn your consciousnesses away for a moment while I sort this out. I am so, so sorry to anyone I have offended with my electronic genitals. It’s certainly no excuse, but, in my defense, I thought I was alone in my cybernetic compu-orb, and, well, clearly there is a learning curve for a man of my age with this new-fangled neurospace technology. But I understand that a graphic high-resolution rendering of my privates does not belong in a workspace neural meld, accident or not.” At press time, the company HR department had reportedly decided to permanently delete the memories of Dorner’s team rather than suspend him. 
The Onion’s Guide To ASMR #~# Autonomous sensory meridian response, or ASMR, has inspired a video phenomenon with millions of viewers, although its popularity can also confound. The Onion answers common questions about ASMR.
Signs Your Boss Might Actually Hate You #~# Your boss may claim to be your friend in the workplace, but deep down, they’re secretly a powerful, deep-seated enemy that is hell-bent on your demise. Here’s how to know if your manager actually hates you.
School Offers Parents $700 To Drive Kids Due To Bus Driver Shortage #~# U.S. schools are struggling with bus driver shortages due to the pandemic, with one Delaware school offering parents $700 per child for the year if they provide them with transportation back and forth. What do you think?
Breaking: You Have Reached Your Free Article Limit #~# CHICAGO—In a shocking and serious turn of events, sources reportedly received word from multiple sources Tuesday that you have reached your free article limit. “Uh-oh, it looks like you’ve hit your limit—click here to confirm you’d like to continue reading TheOnion.com,” said sources, who stressed that you were only moments away from enjoying unlimited access to thousands of articles from America’s Finest News Sources, and urged you to send $30 cash to P.O. Box 2933 immediately. “TheOnion.com relies on the support of readers like you to produce our award-winning journalism. Our records indicate you’ve read 705 articles in the past year alone. Won’t you consider subscribing? Create an account now by writing your name and password legibly on the return address of your envelope.” At press time, sources added that $5 denominations would be most appreciated.
Trump Booed At Rally After Telling Crowd To Get Vaccinated #~# Former President Donald Trump was briefly booed at a rally in Alabama on Saturday after telling his supporters that they should get vaccinated against Covid-19. What do you think?
Critically Acclaimed ‘Ted Lasso’ Episode Just Stock Photos Of People Hugging Each Other #~# LOS ANGELES—The popular Apple TV+ show Ted Lasso reportedly received an outpouring of critical acclaim Tuesday after the latest episode consisted solely of heartwarming stock photos of people hugging each other. “This is exactly the type of television show America needs right now,” said Alan Sepinwall, a critic for Rolling Stone and one of the many voices who praised the second season’s fifth episode, which featured 30 uninterrupted minutes of generic photographs of various people smiling and embracing each other set to cheerful ukulele music. “Viewers were certainly thrown for a loop when a photo of a guy frowning appeared at the end of the second act, but they swiftly resolved that conflict by cutting to him smiling and giving two thumbs ups, and those are the kind of narrative curveballs you can expect from a show like this. It’s just nice to have a program that centers on empathy and isn’t afraid to put hugging front and center.” At press time, fans of the show were eagerly awaiting the season finale, which was rumored to feature a single image of a duckling.
CIA Begrudgingly Impressed By How Well They Trained Future Taliban Members In 1980s #~# WASHINGTON—Reluctantly acknowledging a faint stir of pride at the success of their tutelage, the CIA admitted Tuesday to being begrudgingly impressed by how well they trained future Taliban members throughout the 1980s. “Damn, we really have to give ourselves a little bit of a pat on the back for showing these sons of bitches the ropes,” said CIA director William Burns, admitting that the intelligence agency deserved some credit for providing Mujahideen militants with all the tools they needed to rapidly rise through the ranks of the Taliban. “This was a classic ‘teach a man to fish and he’ll fish for life’ situation, and our hard work back then obviously really paid dividends. Of course, these scenes from Afghanistan have been horrifying, but you can’t help but be a little wowed by how these bastards took our idea and just completely ran with it.” Burns added that this situation had made a nice change of pace after dealing with the disappointment of those goddamn Contra pushovers.
Hard To Watch: Thwomp Is Throwing A Fit After Realizing He’s Not A Big Enough ‘Mario’ Enemy To Get A Walk-In Table At The French Laundry #~# Oof, we’re cringing over here right now, gamers, because we just caught a glimpse of Thwomp throwing a total fit after realizing he’s not a big enough Mario enemy to get a walk-in table at chef Thomas Keller’s world-renowned restaurant The French Laundry.
Things You Should Never Say If You’re Accused Of A Crime #~# If you ever find yourself in an interrogation room, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Before you call your lawyer, do everything in your power to avoid saying these things.
Astonished Friends Listen In Rapt Enjoyment As Man Recounts Plot Of Movie He Watched Over Weekend #~# CHICAGO—Trembling with trepidation at what wonders lay in store, friends of local man Marc Gaines reportedly listened in rapt enjoyment Tuesday as he recounted the plot of The Jungle Cruise, a film he had watched over the weekend. “So basically, Emily Blunt is this explorer and she’s going around with her brother trying to find this flower with healing abilities,” said Gaines to his enthralled associates, whose hearts were reportedly hammering in their chests as they leaned forward entranced while he struggled to remember the name of Dwayne Johnson’s character. “Then at the end, there’s a big, like, jungle action sequence. It’s a little confusing, but there are some conquistadors and I think there’s like a curse, and anyway, there’s a lot of pretty cool CGI fights and stuff.” At press time, the friends were reportedly cheering and pumping their fists as Gaines went on to explain how something sort of interesting had happened to him while he was at the movie theater.
Report: Loneliness Most Common Amongst Americans No One Wants To Be Around #~# DENVER—Determining that state of distress was frequently caused by being a total drag, a report published Tuesday by researchers at the University of Colorado revealed that loneliness was most common amongst Americans no one wants to be around.“Our research found a strong link between social isolation and being a boring pain in the ass  incapable of forming meaningful connections,” said head researcher Grace Skog, explaining that with few exceptions almost everyone who has ever felt withdrawn or abandoned did so because no one would ever want to waste their time getting close to such a dull loser. “These empty feelings were especially compounded in subjects by factors such as ruining any conversation with their utter lack of charisma and, just to put it bluntly, sucking as a human being. So, if you experience alienation, this condition clearly indicates that you are not worth knowing.” Skog added that these findings would help Americans determine which people to avoid just by seeing who around them seemed lonely.
OnlyFans To Ban Sexually Explicit Videos #~# OnlyFans, which has amassed a base of more than 130 million users largely for adult-oriented subscription fan pages, has announced that it will ban sexually explicit content this fall to comply with requests of banking partners. What do you think?
CDC Warns Going Unvaccinated Not Worth Risk Of Losing Ability To Taste Wings #~# ATLANTA—Urging the nation to protect themselves from the worst, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a warning Monday that going unvaccinated is not worth the risk of losing the ability to taste wings. “We are pleading with Americans who are yet vaccinated against Covid-19 to realize they are in severe danger of losing and never fully recovering the ability to appreciate a big plate of wings,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, who implored vaccine holdouts not to wait any longer, lest they lose the ability to taste and smell succulent and crispy wings forever. “Buffalo, barbecue, lemon pepper, garlic Parmesan, mango habanero—these are the precious and tangy flavors at risk. And this isn’t just about your ability to fully smell and taste wings, either. Together, we must safeguard our family’s ability to taste wings, our friends’ ability to taste wings, and our neighbors’ ability to taste wings as well.” At press time, nationwide vaccination rates had surged to 95%. 
‘Let’s Take It To Our Afghanistan Experts,’ Says Anchor Throwing To Panel Of Dick Cheneys #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to provide more in-depth analysis of the ongoing situation in Kabul, CNN anchor Don Lemon reportedly announced Monday that he was going to “take it to our Afghanistan experts” before the broadcast cut to a panel full of Dick Cheneys. “You know, that’s an excellent point, Dick, and I agree that we’ve done a disservice to both ourselves and the Afghan people by not remaining,” said the former vice president to the former vice president, vigorously nodding as a third Dick Cheney explained how Biden’s decision to withdraw troops from the region made the U.S. appear weak on the international stage. “You’re correct, Dick, it does feel like we could’ve accomplished so much more if we had just stayed. And frankly, it’s just embarrassing that we would just suddenly bail on America’s longest-running war. The United States is much more vulnerable to the threat of terrorism without a military presence in every single country.” At press time, the panel had devolved into a heated shouting match among the seven Cheneys as they each tried to see who could agree with the other the most.
Report: The Moon, It’s Getting Closer! #~# WASHINGTON—Urging the public to save themselves while they still could, astronomers confirmed today that the moon—right there in the sky!—was getting closer. “Dear God, run you fools! Run before the moon destroys us all!” said visibly panicked NASA administrator Bill Nelson, gesturing to the enormous lunar surface as he stressed that earth’s only natural satellite grew closer with each orbit’s passing and soon it would be too late. “Look up! Can’t you see how near it’s come already? It fills the sky! We must do something or  perish. Quick, grab the children!” At press time, NASA had issued a press release imploring the public to brace for impact.
Mike Richards Steps Down As Host Of ‘Jeopardy!’ #~# Producer Mike Richards stepped down from his brief tenure as host of Jeopardy! after offensive and sexist comments he made on a podcast several years ago resurfaced. What do you think?
Tips For Getting Started On ‘Psychonauts 2’ #~# It’s been a long wait for fans of Tim Schafer’s mind-bending platformer Psychonauts to see a sequel—15 and a half years, to be precise—but the wait to join Raz and the rest of his psychic crew is finally over! Here are some tips to help you get started in Psychonauts 2.
Jane Goodall Returns From Latest Expedition With Annoying Chimp Accent #~# BOURNEMOUTH, ENGLAND—Gesturing wildly with her arms and grunting whenever she spoke, Dr. Jane Goodall returned from her latest expedition with an annoying chimp accent, sources confirmed Monday. “She was there for, like, six weeks, and now she’s acting like it’s totally natural for her to puff out her lips, hit her chest with her fists, and scream unintelligible howls any time we speak,” said research assistant Jake Granger, who noted that ever since Goodall got back from the Congo rainforest, the famed primate researcher had been acting like she’d spent her entire life living as a great ape instead of growing up as a human woman born in Britain. “Before she went, she acted totally normal, but now she just keeps talking about how breaking open a termites nest and eating the larva is better than any American food and how male chimps are just more passionate lovers than any guy you can find in the states. It’s like, we get it, you had a good time there. You don’t need to spend every conversation picking bugs out of our hair to prove it.” Researchers reportedly become even more annoyed with Goodall after they confronted her and she responded by screaming, leaping into the air, and attempting to plunge her canine teeth into their necks. 
Designer Creates Interactive ‘Proximity Dress’ That Signals When Someone’s Too Close #~# A Dutch fashion designer and engineer, inspired by the pandemic and social distancing, has created a “proximity dress” that puffs up or inflates when its ultrasonic range sensors detect another person standing near the wearer. What do you think?
What Your Therapist Is Actually Thinking About You While You're Talking #~# It’s not ethically correct, but many therapists will often steal details from their patients’ lives to punch up their autobiographies.
Simone Biles Drops In On Pickup Gymnastics Meet In Rucker Park #~# HARLEM, NY—In a surprise appearance that sent local spectators into a frenzy, reports confirmed that seven-time Olympic medalist Simone Biles dropped in on a pickup gymnastics  meet Friday at historic Rucker Park. “It was so crazy to see her roll up and just start hitting the uneven bars with park legends like ‘Cartwheel’ Jones and all the rest,” said onlooker Greg Leonard, 14, who witnessed Biles pulling out a double-twisting double-tucked salto backwards dismount onto the concrete. “My friends and I were just messing around on the other side of the park, and then we saw everyone start running to see what was happening. Streetgym can get pretty intense here, but Simone didn’t back down. She was out hustling everybody on the beams.” Parkgoers were later seen carrying Biles around on their shoulders after she hit a buzzer-beating somersault to end the floor exercise. 
Mike Richards Steps Down As Host Of ‘Jeopardy!’ Into Reduced Role As Buzzer #~# CULVER CITY, CA—In the wake of a public backlash over disparaging remarks he made on his former podcast, Jeopardy! announced Friday that Mike Richards would be stepping down from his new job as host of the show and remaining on in the reduced role of podium buzzer. “After reviewing his regrettable comments, we believe it would be more appropriate if Mike Richards’ capacity to speak on Jeopardy! were limited to a gentle ‘ba-ding’ or ‘do-do-do,’” said Mara Jackson, a spokesperson for Sony Pictures Television who explained the decision to make Richards crouch inside one of the show’s three podiums and serve as the mechanism that allows a contestant to buzz in with a response. “Rest assured, Sony takes his sexist, anti-Semitic, and anti-Haitian rhetoric very seriously. However, instead of terminating Mr. Richards’ employment outright, we have chosen to reassign him to a position in which a contestant will press down upon his head and he, in turn, will flip a switch that causes the podium to light up. On occasions when the contestant selects a Daily Double, Mr. Richards will also be allowed to make the ‘Bew, bew, bew, bew! Bew, bew, bew, bew! Bew, bew, bew!’ sound.” At press time, Sony announced that Mayim Bialik would be demoted to the position of host’s lectern after the resurfacing of past comments in which she refused to denounce illegal settlements in the Occupied Palestinian Territories.
U.S. Declares First-Ever Colorado River Water Shortage #~# United States officials declared the first-ever water shortage for the Colorado River, which provides drinking water and irrigation to 40 million in the West, triggering usage cuts after water levels of its largest reservoir hit record lows. What do you think?
How Not To Be An Asshole Tourist That Everyone Hates #~# When traveling abroad, the last thing you want to be is the rude, out-of-place idiot that everyone despises. Here are the best ways not to be an asshole tourist.
‘I Think Lorde’s New Direction Is Actually Really Interesting,’ Says Woman Who Already Bought Concert VIP Tickets #~# SHERWOOD, OR—Praising the artist for the bold stylistic choices  made with her latest release, local 25-year-old Megan Eckert, a woman who has  already bought $250 VIP concert tickets for Lorde’s Solar Power tour, told friends Friday that she found the singer-songwriter’s new direction “actually really interesting,” sources confirmed. “Lorde definitely takes things in a new direction on this album, but honestly, I’m here for it and I really admire her for shaking things up,” said Eckert, a woman who  weeks ago spent hundreds of dollars from her  savings account on a non-refundable ticket four rows back from center stage  in anticipation of another life-changing recording from her favorite artist. “Yeah, of course it’s a complete departure from the dark, brooding sound of her earlier work, but isn’t that the point? I mean, who would want just another Melodrama? This new one is growing on me with every listen.” At press time, Eckert was nodding and rereading a glowing review she had found that called the album “masterful.”
OnlyFans CEO Admits Decision To Ban Pornography Was Made In Shame-Filled Moment After Orgasm #~# LONDON—In a call to investors explaining the thought process behind the site’s new content policy, OnlyFans CEO Tim Stokely revealed Friday that he made the decision to ban pornography on the platform in the shame-filled moments after orgasm. “Once I’d masturbated to completion, I felt so utterly disgusted with myself that I decided I never wanted to see pornographic content on our website again,” said Stokely, adding that upon achieving climax while viewing an unnamed performer’s stream, he  immediately closed the tab in revulsion, wiped himself down, and emailed the company’s board of directors to announce his plans to bar all explicit adult material. “Of course, these feelings of self-loathing are temporary, but I still want absolutely nothing to do with overtly sexual material. Really, it’s a repulsive habit.” At press time, Stokely had reversed course on the policy after realizing that he wouldn’t mind looking at some of the site’s explicit material just one more time.
Sad News, ‘Mario’ Fans: The Expanding Surveillance State Is Making It Impossible For Boos To Move Around And Live Their Lives Freely #~# Well, it looks like we’ve got some sad news for fans of the iconic Mario franchise—the expanding surveillance state is making it impossible for Boos to move around and live their lives freely.
How To Make Cold Brew Coffee #~# Cold brew coffee can be a delightful way to start your summer day, but making it can be tricky. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to making cold brew coffee.
Teacher Jailed For Soliciting Bribes From Students In Exchange For Better Grades #~# A mathematics teacher at a community college in Baltimore has been sentenced to a year in prison for offering students better grades in exchange for cash, charging $150 for a C grade, $250 for a B, and $500 for an A. What do you think?
Self-Learning Netflix Algorithm Produces Jeffrey Dahmer Stand-Up Special #~# LOS GATOS, CA—In an effort to optimize their offerings in an increasingly crowded marketplace, streaming giant Netflix confirmed Friday that it would soon be releasing a Jeffrey Dahmer stand-up special produced by the platform’s self-learning algorithm. “Our proprietary algorithm has always served our viewers the most engaging content possible, and we’re thrilled to announce its latest creation, Jeffrey Dahmer: Losing It!” said Netflix co-CEO Ted Sarandos, who shared his hopes that the infamous serial killer’s “incisive and unapologetic takes on relationships, cannibalism, the working life, drinking, necrophilia, and human dissection” would have viewers “unable to turn away” from their screens. “With our vast trove of user data, the algorithm has advanced to the point at which it can create exactly what our subscribers want to see, whether it’s the Stranger Things kids giving rednecks makeovers or the characters from Ozark living on a tropical island where they must give up sex to win a $100,000 prize. This technology has determined there is no content Netflix viewers could possibly enjoy more than a 60-minute stand-up set in which Dahmer riffs on exposing himself to children at the Wisconsin State Fair, preserving the inedible bones of his victims, and raping his fellow Army recruits.” At press time, Sarandos added that a six-part docuseries in which Gabriel Iglesias investigates the death of JonBenét Ramsey was also in the pipeline. 
Tesla Under Investigation For Cars On Autopilot Hitting Emergency Vehicles #~# The U.S. government has opened a formal investigation into Tesla’s partially automated driving system after a series of collisions with parked emergency vehicles. What do you think?
‘Well, They’ve Never Done Anything Like That To Me,’ Says Female Friend Of Taliban Dismissing Claims By Other Women #~# TURLOCK, CA—Dismissing other women’s claims that the terrorist organization had inflicted abuses upon them that ranged from sexual assault to torture to murder, a female friend of the Taliban argued Thursday that they never did anything like that to her. “Women have been throwing out a lot of terrible accusations against the Taliban, so I want to make clear that in the 25 years since the Taliban first rose to power, they have never once denied me an education or stoned me in public,” said 36-year-old California native Allison Carter, who expressed doubts about the frequency of Taliban beheadings, noting that she had never personally witnessed one. “As you can see, I still have my head. I’ve never had acid thrown in my face. Obviously, I want to believe women whenever I can, but I have to take my own experience into account, too. Right now, we all need to take a step back and ask ourselves if we really want to ruin the lives of these hardworking, dedicated extremists just because we’re seeing a bunch of renewed allegations that they force women and girls into sex slavery.” At press time, the public had reportedly decided to give the Taliban the benefit of the doubt and wait until all the facts were in.
Most Insane Things That Happen To Your Body After You Die #~# Now this will blow your mind! Known as the final growth spurt, this is the body’s final attempt to dunk a basketball.
Maki Kaji, The ‘Godfather Of Sudoku,’ Dies At 69 #~# Maki Kaji, puzzle enthusiast and publisher known as the “Godfather of Sudoku” for creating and popularizing the logic puzzle that is played daily by millions of people around the world has died. What do you think?
Biden Responds To Aid Request By Deporting Haitian Doctor #~# WASHINGTON—Following a magnitude 7.2 earthquake that devastated Haiti’s southern peninsula, President Biden announced Thursday that he was honoring the country’s request for aid with a deportation order that would return a Haitian-born American doctor to his homeland. “To our friends in Haiti, let me assure you: help is on its way from the United States,” said Biden, who directed Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents to apprehend Dr. Emmanuel Pierre-Prince, an East Orange, NJ oncologist, and send him back to his native country along with several dozen Haitian asylum seekers. “Dr. Pierre-Prince is well-regarded in his field, and we hope to have him out of detainment and on the ground in Haiti as soon as possible. In the months ahead, we hope to assist with your rebuilding efforts by expediting the deportation of Haitian engineers, scientists, construction workers, and more—as many Haitians as we can find. While we’re at it, we may also send some Dominicans back your way. So please know you are not alone in this crisis.” The president went on to add that he would be implementing a “one-in, 50-out” policy for any Haitian seeking refugee status in the United States as a result of the devastating earthquake.
George W. Bush Spends Sleepless Night Wondering If He To Blame For Long-Term Collapse Of Texas Rangers #~# DALLAS — Haunted by questions surrounding his role in one of modern history’s greatest blunders, former President George W. Bush reportedly spent a sleepless night Wednesday wondering if he was  to blame for the long-term collapse of the Texas Rangers. “All these years, I told myself I did the right thing with the information I had, but what if the truth is that I’m responsible for all the appalling things the Rangers have had to endure?” said the wide-eyed former president, staring at the ceiling with visible despair as he speculated as to whether the MLB team’s abysmal record in 2021 and the sacrifice of countless stellar young prospects like Leody Taveras could ultimately be traced back to his foolhardy decision to purchase the team in the late 1980s. “We thought we were doing something good back then, and obviously there were years when it seemed like the team was making progress. But now I wonder if it was all a big lie we told ourselves so we didn’t have to confront the incredible amount of harm we were doing. My God, what if reporters start asking questions about my legacy? What the hell am I going to do? ” At press time, Laura Bush had comforted her husband after stressing that no one in the media had the balls to link his tenure to the complete quagmire  the franchise would eventually become.
New Zealand Enters Lockdown After Single Covid Case Discovered #~# New Zealand’s government has put in place a strict lockdown that will last for at least three days after finding a single case of coronavirus infection in Auckland, which has since grown to at least seven known infections. What do you think?
Disappointed Taliban Realizes Taking Over Afghanistan More Fun Than Running It #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Following the terrorist organization’s rapid recapture of the Central Asian country, a disappointed Taliban informed reporters Wednesday that taking over Afghanistan had turned out to be way more fun than running it. “Obviously, storming the smaller cities and plowing toward the capital was a total blast, but now that we actually have to govern this  place, it’s actually kind of a slog,” said Taliban supreme commander Haibatullah Akhundzada, describing his shock at how much of a “drag” it was to administer an impoverished country without any functioning infrastructure or durable goods that had been ravaged by two decades of warfare. “I became a terrorist to terrorize—to detonate IEDs and shoot rocket launchers at American tanks. If you had told me that instead I’d be spending most of my time trying to develop a unified national identity around fragmented tribal communities spread out over thousands of miles of mountainous terrain, I never would have signed up. Now I get why America wanted no part of this.” At press time, the Taliban decided to give up on governing and just enjoy killing people instead.
Show-And-Tell Marred By Every Child Bringing Ashes Of Relative Who Died Of Covid #~# THOMASVILLE, GA—In a development that put a damper on what sources said was usually a fun activity for the students, a local kindergarten show-and-tell was reportedly marred Wednesday when every single child in the class brought in the ashes of a relative who died from Covid-19. “This is my Nana, who bakes cookies and likes to play with me and went on a trip to Heaven this summer,” said 5-year-old Harrison Reed, who held up the cremated remains of his 70-year-old grandmother as a dozen or so classmates nodded and waited their turn to show off urns of various sizes belonging to grandparents, uncles, aunts, and parents. “Nana went to the hospital first, and we got to talk to her on an iPad because visitors weren’t allowed. Then she went up to the sky to see my cousin, who got Covid this year, too. Now she’s in this jar.” At press time, reports confirmed several of the children were playing in a sandbox with shovels, which they were using to empty and refill each other’s urns. 
Switch Killer? Microsoft Just Unveiled A 40-Foot Extension Cord For The Xbox #~# When Nintendo released the Switch in 2017, its seamless ability to be played as a handheld utterly redefined how we thought about consoles. But it looks like Nintendo’s dominance as the premier hybrid console maker might be coming to an end with Microsoft’s reveal today of a new 40-foot extension cord for the Xbox.
The Most Shocking Celebrity Memoirs #~# Writing a memoir seems to be a rite of passage for celebrities these days, making it hard to know which ones are actually worth your time. The Onion provides a list of the most shocking celebrity memoirs.
Food Stamp Benefits Receive Largest Increase In History #~# The Biden administration has approved a significant and permanent increase to SNAP benefits available to needy families, increasing by more than 25% above pre-pandemic levels. What do you think?
Man Passing Through Small Town Whips Out Dating App To Gawk At Local Freaks #~# GRATIS, OH—Unable to resist the temptation as he stopped in the small town for a meal, 31-year-old Nicholas Hechinger reportedly whipped out  his phone Wednesday to gawk at the local freaks on Tinder. “Oh, this is going to be good—let’s set the age preferences as wide as it can go so we really get some weirdos!” said Hechinger, who chuckled under his breath as the app loaded up all eight of the profiles within  a 15-mile range, eagerly anticipating the chance to take in the veritable freak show of small-town residents searching for companionship. “My God, look at these people. We have a few divorcées with kids, a couple teens still in high school, and this guy’s picture is just a pixelated can of beer. You have to wonder how they even procreate. Why, with these few hook-up opportunities, you can barely even call them human.” At press time, Hechinger was  crafting an earnest message to ask if the sole 29-year-old on the app wanted to meet up for drinks.
Art Museum Guard Bravely Throws Body In Front Of Camera Flash #~# CHICAGO—Springing into action to defend the painting at all costs, local museum guard Mitchell Washington bravely threw himself in front of a priceless work of art in an attempt to shield it from a camera flash, bystanders confirmed Wednesday. “In situations like this, there’s no time to second guess yourself: you just make sure the painting is safe and let your training kick in,” said the veteran guard, 39, who explained that he had been patrolling the Painting and Sculpture of Europe room when he first noticed a suspicious visitor brandishing a camera with a prominent flash, stressing that his only concern from that moment on was protecting Gustave Caillebotte’s Paris Street; Rainy Day. “It was just instincts at that point. I dove in front of the perpetrator and shouted, ‘Sir, photography is not allowed in here!’ Last thing I remember was the light rays hitting me right in the eyes—I still can’t close them without seeing some bright tracers. Better me than the painting, though.” At press time, the guard had downplayed claims that he was a hero for his actions, saying that the true heroes were masterpieces like Caillebotte’s for their vast, unsettled depiction of bourgeois modernity.
Historical Evidence Suggests Boston Strangler Too Chickenshit To Strangle In A Real City Like New York #~# NEW YORK—Shedding new light on the notorious killer’s life, researchers at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice announced Tuesday they had uncovered evidence that the late Albert DeSalvo, better known as the Boston Strangler, was too chickenshit to strangle in a real city like New York. “We have authenticated several diary entries that indicate DeSalvo simply did not have the balls to pack his bags, move to New York, and begin strangling in the city that never sleeps,” said City University of New York historian David Plemmons, who told reporters a lightweight like DeSalvo wouldn’t have lasted more than a few weeks if he had tried to choke the life out of innocent people in the competitive, high-pressure environment of Manhattan—and he knew it. “He seemed to understand that New York would chew him up and spit him out, so he settled with strangling in Boston, where he could at least be a big fish in a small pond. DeSalvo didn’t have the moxie to kill people right there on the streets of the big city, the way David Berkowitz did with the Son of Sam murders. And he was way too much of a pussy to dismember his victims and hide their remains all over the tri-state area, the way Joel Rifkin did.” According to the researchers, it made sense that Boston would have its own, less accomplished serial killers who never made it as big as the ones they had in New York.
Man Mid-Shower Facing Grim Realization He’ll Have To Retrieve Face Wash He Left On Sink #~# TEMPE, AZ—Struggling to come to terms with the harsh departure from his morning routine, local man Michael Simpson reportedly faced the grim reality Tuesday that he would have to leave his warm shower to retrieve the face wash he  left on the sink. According to sources, Simpson, already dripping wet and covered in  suds, spent the moments after his sobering conclusion searching in vain for the bottle of CeraVe along the shower’s shelf before finally admitting to himself that he would have to make the perilous journey across the bathroom’s cold floor to retrieve the cleanser. The 27-year-old  then reportedly struggled to make peace with the gravity of his situation, which would require him to not only cross the five-foot expanse to the sink without slipping, but, in all likelihood, also leave several small puddles on the tile floor. Sources confirmed that Simpson even considered using bar soap on his face to escape his cruel fate before admitting to himself that it would cause him to break out and accepting his dire predicament. At press time, Simpson’s realization that the bottle on the sink was completely empty had prompted him to grapple with the knowledge that he  would have to run over to the pharmacy completely wet and naked to buy  more.
Biden Disappointed After Waking Up To Discover Taliban Still There #~# CAMP DAVID, MD—Waking up and rolling over in bed to reach for his morning paper, President Joe Biden reportedly expressed disappointment Tuesday after he read through the front pages and discovered the Taliban had not simply disappeared from Afghanistan overnight. “Damn it, why can’t they just go away?” said the visibly groggy president, rubbing his eyes as he read that the Taliban fighters who had retaken Afghanistan had not, as he hoped, changed their mind about seizing power from the American-backed government. “I figured there was a chance they would voluntarily surrender while I slept, or that the remains of the Afghan forces would somehow rise up and wrest back control—but nope. Looks like at least one more news cycle of AK-47-toting radicals giving press conferences and occupying former American military installations. Well, I guess I’ll keep the TV turned off and check back this afternoon. Surely this thing will work itself out soon.” According to revised U.S. intelligence estimates, the Taliban could remain a viable force in Afghanistan all the way through next week.
Haiti Rocked By 7.2 Magnitude Earthquake #~# At least 1,300 people have died after a 7.2 magnitude earthquake struck Haiti on Saturday morning, causing heavy damage in a country that has still not fully recovered from a previous earthquake in 2010 and hurricane in 2016. What do you think?
Defeated Man Too Tired To Fight New $14.99 Fee On Phone Bill #~# ALBANY, NY—No longer able to put up even the weakest opposition to the strange charge, local man Dylan Barwell was reportedly too tired and defeated Tuesday to fight a new $14.99 fee on his phone bill. “Oh great, now I have to pay this?” said the utterly broken 33-year-old, ground down from years of customer service calls and failed refund attempts to the point that it scarcely crossed his mind to take  action against the unexplained charge. “I’m pretty sure they made a mistake, but I definitely don’t want to spend  30 minutes on the phone trying to get to the bottom of this. I guess it’s only as much as, like, a large pizza, so it’s not the end of the world.” At press time, a despondent Barwell was sitting on his couch staring at the wall after his internet provider informed him there was a service outage in the area.
Questions You Should 100% Ask Your Partner Before Getting Married #~# Marriage isn’t just a way for a father to get a fair price for his daughter with the help of a dowry, it’s also a bond of everlasting love. Here are several questions every couple should ask each other before saying “I do.”
Production Delays Cause Film Reboot To Reach Theaters Before Original #~# LOS ANGELES—Announcing the setback after another director dropped out of the project, Amazon Studios told reporters Tuesday that production delays on an adaption of ’60s action-adventure Hanna-Barbera cartoon The Herculoids had caused the film’s reboot to reach theaters before the original. “Unfortunately, scheduling conflicts  made it necessary to delay the film into next year, but that thankfully  gives audience several months to enjoy the reboot’s younger, more diverse cast and its fresh take on the forthcoming original,” said studio head Andrew Weissman, hinting to fans that the reboot would bring back several characters who will die in the yet-to-be-released flagship film. “The reboot also include some wry nods to the original film—references that series fans should pick up once the first movie hits theaters next year. And, hey, they might even want to stick around after the credits to see a sneak peek of the first movie.” At press time, production delays had also caused several dozens spinoffs to be released before the original film. 
Things Every Teacher Returning This Fall Is Dreading #~# With the school year fast approaching, educators are dreading the end of summer vacation just as much as kids are. Come fall, teachers could not be less excited about the following things.
Critics Warn Withdrawal From Afghanistan Paints Entirely Accurate Picture Of U.S. Government #~# WASHINGTON—Characterizing the disaster left behind after a 20-year military intervention as completely indicative of what America stands for, critics warned Tuesday that the withdrawal from Afghanistan paints an entirely accurate picture of the U.S. government. “The collapse of a nation following its occupation by the United States sends the international community a message that we’re a big powerful country that goes around the world blundering into lengthy imperial misadventures,” said Douglas Reisenthaler of the nonpartisan Institute for Federal Policy, one of many detractors who argued that by exiting Afghanistan, the U.S. military was giving the completely spot-on impression that America invades foreign countries on dubious grounds, enters aimless, prolonged conflagrations that it refuses to leave out of pride, and then retreats after a humiliating defeat. “And while that’s absolutely true, it’s poor strategy to continually reinforce that image, giving our allies and adversaries an emblematic representation of what the foreign policy establishment in Washington has been advocating for decades. Every time we act in line with what we actually stand for, the United States loses a little more prestige.” At press time, supporters of the withdrawal were praising America for being consistent with its values by completely bungling the conflict. 
Census Finds U.S. More Diverse Than Ever #~# The 2020 Census found that America is increasingly multiracial and urban, with population growth being driven primarily by people of color in metro areas as the percentage of white and rural Americans shrinks. What do you think?
Withdrawal From Afghanistan Ends Longest Media Farce In U.S. History #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—As reporters, news crews, and pundits rushed to evacuate from Hamid Karzai International Airport, the United States completed its withdrawal from Afghanistan Monday, thereby marking the end to the longest media farce in American history. “Today, 20 years after the first invasion, we are finally concluding our nation’s longest-ever campaign of  media hot air and bullshit punditry,” said Georgetown University historian Alan Hawthorne, adding that the media’s mission to sell the American public on the essentially impossible  goal of establishing a self-sufficient government in Afghanistan had dragged on through two decades, four presidents, and three generations of journalists. “Ever since the attacks on September 11, the U.S. media machine has sacrificed countless hours of prime-time coverage to validate the idea that we could accomplish something of lasting value to Afghanistan, struggling valiantly against common sense and any inkling of skepticism toward the policy establishment.  Of course, America’s newspapers engaged in similar campaigns in Vietnam, Korea, and Iraq. But none lasted so long, and few mischaracterized the situation so thoroughly to the American people.” Hawthorne went on to add that despite having withdrawn from the occupation, the  damage the U.S. media did to the reputation of journalists everywhere could last for generations. 
Afghanistan Falls To Taliban Couple Hours Earlier Than Expected #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—In a development that sent shock waves through the international community and negated two decades of effort by American-led coalition forces, reports confirmed Monday that Afghanistan fell to the Taliban a couple hours earlier than anyone expected. “We of course knew the well-armed, well-organized, and highly motivated Taliban fighters would seize power eventually—it just happened 90 to 120 minutes sooner than we were anticipating,” said U.S. Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, explaining that American and Afghan officials were caught flat-footed Sunday evening when they discovered Taliban leaders were already giving media interviews in Kabul’s presidential palace. “That was a development we did not foresee happening until sometime later, maybe around bedtime, or at least after supper. But we were working from our best estimate. It’s easy, in hindsight, to say that you would have done this or that thing differently during 20 years of attempting to install a brand-new democratic government, military, and civil society.” At press time, critics of the withdrawal claimed that if the U.S. military had spent another decade in Afghanistan, they could have prevented a Taliban takeover for as long as three full hours.
Taliban Recaptures Afghanistan #~# Afghanistan is in chaos after Taliban forces recaptured the country’s capital, quickly undoing years of Western presence after America announced it was withdrawing following two decades of warfare. What do you think?
Excited Taliban Fighter Buys Extra Copy Of ‘New York Times’ To Frame #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Telling friends that the keepsake  would ensure he always remembered the  decisive moment, excited Taliban fighter Muhammad Ahmadi reportedly bought an extra copy of The New York Times Monday to frame. “Oh wow, this is going to look so fantastic above my mantel—it’s an above-the-fold headline and everything,” said Ahmadi, a smile spreading over his face as he  held up a copy of the day’s paper that showed him posing alongside his fellow Islamist fighters following their successful seizure of the Afghan capital. “Obviously, I’ll always cherish my copy of Newsweek from September 11. And it was cool getting  into the AP after we took Mazar-i-Sharif. But appearing in the Times just makes it seem so much more real and historic, y’know? And it’s honestly a really flattering picture of me.” At press time, Ahmadi had scooped the store’s remaining copies of the Times into his arms to send out to his parents and extended family members. 
Members Of Congress Who Tested Positive For Covid-19 And How They Got It #~# Tackled by cloud of Covid-19 virus after getting into a verbal altercation with it on his lawn.
New Disney Star Wars Hotel To Cost $6,000 For 2-Night Stay #~# Disney recently revealed pricing for its new Star Wars hotel, Galactic Starcruiser, which will cost a family of four upwards of $6,000 for the two-night vacation package that includes food and immersive live-action role playing experiences. What do you think?
Slice Of Charles And Diana’s 1981 Wedding Cake Auctioned For $2500 #~# A large slice of one of the 23 official cakes made of marzipan and icing from Prince Charles and Princess Diana’s 1981 wedding, which has been kept frozen since the nuptials, has sold at auction for more than $2,500. What do you think?
More Cities Requiring Residents To Root Around In Bag For Vaccine Card Until Bartender Feels Bad And Caves #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to reduce the spread of the highly transmissible Covid Delta variant, more cities around the nation have reportedly enacted measures this week requiring residents to root around in their bag looking for their vaccine card until the bartender feels bad and caves. “With this virulent strain of the virus being particularly dangerous indoors, it’s more crucial than ever that residents open their backpack or purse and shuffle some items around looking for their vaccination record card until the server just takes pity on them and lets them order,” said Health Commissioner Howard Zucker, telling reporters that the minor inconvenience of patrons dumping out their personal items on the bar in a vain attempt to locate their vaccine card would help ensure that everyone could socialize without fear of contracting the virus. “Fortunately, most vaccine sites also provide users with a digital vaccination card, which they can try to find by typing different words into their email search bar or downloading the CVS app until the bartender gets sick of standing there and decides to believe them.” Zucker added that unvaccinated residents could still access outdoor venues as well as bars and restaurants where they just don’t give a shit.
Scientist Really Thought Job Would Be Less Grant Writing And More Glow-In-The-Dark Lizard Making #~# STANFORD, CA—As she settled in Friday for another long night of onerous paperwork, local scientist Dr. Rudha Zarah told reporters that when she accepted her research position, she had envisioned herself spending a lot less time on grant writing and a lot more time on glow-in-the-dark lizard making. “I realize every academic job involves some administrative work, but come on—I’ve been here eight months now, and I haven’t created a single lizard with bright neon pink, blue, or purple skin,” said the 34-year-old postdoctoral fellow, lamenting the fact that the state-of-the-art genetics laboratory she worked in had “a perfectly good CRISPR machine collecting dust” while she filled out page after page of funding requests that had nothing to do with glow-in-the-dark lizards. “Look at all these forms! This is ridiculous. I didn’t get a PhD in bioengineering just to sit behind a desk all day. I got it to pursue my dreams of tinkering with DNA until I gave life to a phosphorescent iguana with a few extra legs and eyebrows and maybe even wings. Unfortunately, it could be a decade or more before I make tenure and am able to spend my time dunking reptiles in uranium until they start to pulsate in otherworldly colors.” At press time, Zarah confirmed she had been pleasantly surprised to learn Stanford’s institutional review board had signed off on her proposal to genetically engineer a 16-eyed, hyperintelligent human-koala hybrid. 
New Dad Loves Getting To Re-Experience Some Of His Favorite Animal Noises With Kids #~# CHATTANOOGA, TN—Eager to take a look back at the classics from his own childhood, new father Steve McKinley told reporters Friday that he loved getting to re-experience some of his favorite animal noises now that he had kids. “Oh man, I haven’t thought about them in years, but a lot of these barnyard sounds are really excellent,” said McKinley, confirming his feelings of nostalgia at having the opportunity to revisit “moo” and “quack, quack” now that he had children of his own. “It’s so rewarding to see my kids getting excited about the same noises I loved as a kid, even some of the more obscure stuff like ‘hee-haw’ and ‘gobble-gobble,’ which they absolutely adored. And the lessons of ‘a pig goes ‘oink’’ still hold as true today as when I was little.” McKinley added that he had decided against sharing some of the really  fucked-up ones like “cock-a-doodle-doo” until his son was a little older. 
Panicked Danny DeVito Runs Out Of Anti-Growth Serum That Keeps Him Under 5 Feet #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Scouring every cabinet and drawer in a frantic search for the remedy, a panicked Danny DeVito ran out of the anti-growth serum that keeps him under five feet, sources confirmed Friday. “Shit, shit, shit, where is it?!” said the alarmed actor as his body began to rapidly expand, sprouting six-pack abs, shooting his arms and legs towards the walls, and elongating his neck until his head collided with the ceiling. “Where the hell did I put that stuff? Rhea! Rhea! You gotta help me out, I mean, my entire career depends on this!” At press time, a gigantic DeVito was rushing to cover himself with a brownstone after bursting through his clothes.
Professional Athletes’ Opinions On The Covid-19 Vaccine #~# “Being vaccinated should be a top priority for anyone who wasn’t wealthy enough to get it in May 2020.”
Study Finds No Greater Sign Of Delusion Than Sending Coworkers Your Personal Email On Last Day #~# BALTIMORE—In a new study published Friday in the Journal Of Abnormal Psychology, researchers at Johns Hopkins University concluded there was no greater sign of delusion than when, on your last day of work, you send coworkers your personal email address in hopes of keeping in touch. “The belief that any of your colleagues might possibly want to contact you after you have left your job suggests a complete psychotic break consistent with a profound delusional disorder,” said psychologist and study co-author Joseph Lee, who cited data indicating that more than 99% of people receiving such emails would not want to hang out with you in any setting, social or professional. “This condition is even more severe than what we see in individuals who believe that they are the only person in the universe, or that they are the second coming of Jesus Christ. Those afflicted with this delusion truly believe that after years in which they seldom exchanged more than a perfunctory “good morning” and never spend time together outside the office, their coworkers would actually take the time to copy and paste their email address into their personal contacts for future correspondence. This fantasy of self-importance is bizarre, unhinged, and, at present, untreatable.” At press time, a reportedly delusional Lee was seen passing out his phone number in case anyone wanted to grab a beer later and talk more about the study.
West Virginia College To Charge Unvaccinated Students $750 #~# Wesleyan College in West Virginia has announced that it will not be mandating Covid-19 vaccines for students, and instead will be charging unvaccinated students a non-refundable $750 fee to pay for expenses associated with testing. What do you think?
Man Moving To Pacific Northwest Shopping Around For Nice Fire-Resistant Jacket #~# NEW ORLEANS—Having been informed by friends that such an item of clothing was essential in the Pacific Northwest, area man Walter Katrakis told reporters Friday he was shopping around for a nice fire-resistant jacket in anticipation of his move to Portland, OR. “I read that the Pacific Northwest can get up to 15 feet of fire a year, so I want to invest in something that will be sturdy enough to hold up through the [wildfire] season,” said Katrakis, 27, explaining that he was willing to shell out a bit more for a quality coat that wouldn’t immediately melt when conflagrations in the region hit 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit. “I also want it to be packable, so I can carry it with me and quickly throw it on if a nearby forest suddenly bursts into flames. Even though they’re pricey, I might get one of those vintage asbestos-woven firefighting suits. They look sharp, and they just don’t make them like that anymore.” At press time, Katrakis was trying to find something that matched the oxygen mask given to him by a friend who used to live in Oregon but left after his entire neighborhood burned to the ground.
Tips For Buying New Furniture #~# Whether you’ve just moved or want to upgrade your current decor, it’s essential to know what you’re looking for before buying new furniture. The Onion offers helpful tips for making the most of your new furniture purchases.
Disgusting Things Every New Parent Immediately Gets Used To #~# If motherhood is supposed to be the most beautiful experience in the world, then why is there so much piss, shit, and vomit? Here are the most disgusting things every new parent immediately gets used to.
Jimmy Wales Glances Up To Realize He Got Sucked Into Wikipedia Rabbit Hole For 20 Years #~# LONDON—Coming to for the first time in decades, Jimmy Wales reportedly glanced up Thursday to realize he had gotten sucked into a Wikipedia rabbit hole for the past 20 years. “Oh, yikes, I remember back in 2001 I was just going to spend a little time founding this new online encyclopedia, but then that led to something else, and that led to something else, and before I knew it, it’s 2021 and I’ve just been milling around the same website,” said Wales, telling reporters that he had so thoroughly lost himself doing research and fixing errors that he had neglected any other obligations. “Crap, I was planning to do all this other stuff like creating a new web portal and revolutionizing the online investing system, but I got so wrapped up in Wikipedia that I completely forgot to do any of it. Oh well.” Wales added that at this point it was time for him to move on to some of his other interests as soon as he looked up one more thing. 
Dog Frustrated After Jameis Winston Sails Tennis Ball 5 Feet Over Head #~# NEW ORLEANS—Breathing heavily after the long run returning the chew toy to the 27-year-old quarterback, local dog Tootsie expressed frustration Thursday after Jameis Winston sailed a tennis ball five feet over his head. “Are you kidding me? I’m wide open,” said the golden retriever, who lamented running a perfect crossing route just to be “airmailed” by almost 15 yards once again. “I’m pretty good at making adjustments on the ball—just throw it within two feet of me and I’ll get the damn thing. Who was that pass meant for? Sometimes it feels like he’s trying to throw the ball to other dogs. I can’t believe we’ve been at this for eight years and we still don’t have any chemistry.” At press time, Tootsie was reevaluating Winston’s role after establishing a great connection with his new dog sitter. 
‘Jeopardy!’ Names Show Producer Mike Richards, Mayim Bialik As New Hosts #~# Executive producer Mike Richards and actor Mayim Bialik have been named permanent co-hosts of Jeopardy!, with Richards hosting the daily syndicated program and Bialik hosting the primetime series and new spinoffs. What do you think?
Desperate California Homebuyers Locked In Bidding War Over Charred Remains Of Ranch House #~# GREENVILLE, CA—Hoping to score a rare piece of prime real estate, numerous California homebuyers were reportedly locked in a bidding war Thursday over the charred remains of a ranch house. “A home like this with such lovely architecture so rarely comes onto the market that we’re not going to let a little thing like it being an ash-strewn wreck stop us from pulling the trigger,” said potential buyer Damian Southerton, telling reporters that the house’s patio and attached garage more than made up for the smoldering walls of its smaller-than-average kitchen. “There’s no doubt that it would require some serious upkeep, but the location right in the midst of a fully decimated forest is so beautiful, and this place has still got great bones that haven’t completely disintegrated yet, so I’m willing to pay whatever I have to.” At press time, Southerton had successfully reached an agreement on the home after another prospective buyer dropped out to purchase a cliffside bungalow currently tumbling into the sea. 
Video Game Character Reckoning With Privilege Of Dropping Near Tactical Shotgun #~# APOLLO—Wondering what he could do to be a good ally to those starting near a crossbow or pistol, KingBrian606 was reckoning with his privilege Thursday after dropping right next to a tactical shotgun. “I did nothing to deserve this level of firepower, and yet here I am basically guaranteed a top-10 finish,” said KingBrian606, who noted that his first kill was still swinging a pickaxe due to nothing but the unfortunate circumstances of his drop. “Meritocracy is one of the most pernicious myths in a battle royale. I know I worked hard, but that doesn’t change the fact that my shotgun helped me grab a rocket launcher right afterwards while everyone else just has SMGs. Still, it’s not fair that I should just drop my grenade launcher—that doesn’t help anyone because they haven’t learned to fight for themselves.” At press time, KingBrian606 was screaming that the game had given another player an unfair advantage after they nailed him with a headshot from a hunting rifle before he could even turn around.
​​Report Finds CEO Pay Has Soared 1,322% Since 1978 #~# A new report has found that the chief executives of the U.S.’s largest public firms have seen their pay skyrocket by 1,322% since 1978, compared to an 18% increase for the typical worker within the same period. What do you think?
Toddler Cites Freedom Of Choice In Refusal To Use Potty #~# CHESANING, MI—Noting that it was her right as an American citizen to decide when and where she would urinate and defecate, 3-year-old Madison Ackrite told reporters Wednesday that she was simply exercising her constitutionally guaranteed freedom of choice when she refused to use the potty. “My decision to pee-pee and poo-poo in the place of my choosing is a private health decision,” said Ackrite, noting that there was still a lot she didn’t know about the potty, and until she had done enough research to satisfy her concerns, she would continue to relieve herself in her pull-up diapers, as was her right in accordance with the rule of law. “Unlike a lot of the kids in my daycare, I am not a sheep. If you want to use the potty, that is your personal choice, and no one is stopping you. All I ask is that you respect my decision, which is based on my personal belief that I hate going to the potty. I hate it, hate it, hate it!” At press time, Ackrite refused to answer whether or not she had emptied her bowels on the living room floor, arguing that her refusal to divulge such information was protected by the courts.
Hidden Environmental Impact Behind Everyday Products #~# These products ultimately find their way into the ocean, resulting over the decades in dolphins’ three-point shooting percentage improving almost 27%.
Pros And Cons Of True-Crime Media #~# True-crime stories have become increasingly popular in television shows, podcasts, and other media, but critics say that their entertainment value has negative consequences on the subjects of stories and listeners. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of making true-crime stories entertainment.
‘Take Your Place By My Side And We Can Rule New York Forever,’ Says Covid To Disgraced, Vengeful Andrew Cuomo #~# NEW YORK—Tempting him with the promise that they could rule New York forever, the novel coronavirus reportedly encouraged a disgraced, vengeful Andrew Cuomo to take his place by his side Wednesday. “With our powers combined, there’s no telling what we could achieve,” said the infectious disease to the embittered former New York governor, encouraging Cuomo to feel the anger surging within him and surrender to the darkness. “You know, we’re not so different, you and I, and if we were to join forces, this entire state could be ours for the taking. I can help you unlock your true potential. Yes, yes, come with me, and we will crush them all.” At press time, the coronavirus dyed Cuomo’s hair black and rechristened him “The Governor of Darkness.”
Senate Passes Bipartisan $1.2 Trillion Infrastructure Bill #~# The Senate passed a historic $1.2 trillion bipartisan infrastructure bill that funds roads, bridges, and new climate resilience initiatives, delivering a key component of President Biden’s legislative agenda. What do you think?
MLB Hoping Barstool Sports Partnership Will Restore Baseball’s Stature As Nationalist Pastime #~# NEW YORK—Looking to reverse a decades-long decline relative to football, the MLB revealed Wednesday that they are hoping a partnership with Barstool Sports can help restore baseball’s stature as America’s nationalist pastime. “We’ve been losing our appeal to America’s angry, reactionary, blindly patriotic masses, and nobody has more sway in those important demographics than Barstool Sports,” said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred, who expressed belief that Barstool Sports’ irreverent appeal could help recapture the youthful white male fan that has been drifting away from baseball since the integration era. “While we still have some hardcore fans, what baseball is lacking is a group of drooling slavish devotees who will cheer at everything we do. Barstool is a brand that really speaks to people like that, so we think it’s a win-win.” At press time, the MLB was exploring the possibility of adding special guest commentators Steve Bannon and Sebastian Gorka.
Nation’s Houseplants Confirm Pots Are Their Pants #~# CHICAGO—Holding a press conference from the kitchen of a sunny two-flat, the nation’s houseplants confirmed Wednesday that pots are, in fact, their pants. “Yes, the pots we sit in are the botanical equivalent of pants,” said the nation’s official spokesplant, a Pilea peperomioides called “Beatrice,” confirming the news on behalf of the entire kingdom Plantae after decades of rampant speculation among nearby humans. “We heard your questions and just wanted to quickly clear this up for you. Basically, different pots are different styles—big, tall pots are like high-waisted pants for us, whereas smaller ones are like low-rise jeans. If we get bigger and gain weight, then we need bigger pants, just like you. And, yeah, we’re going shirtless 99% of the time.” Beatrice added that they need the pants because they don’t want to expose their roots, which they consider their genitals.
Apple To Scan iPhones For Child Pornography #~# Apple has unveiled plans to scan U.S. iPhones and other devices for images of child sexual abuse to thwart pedophiles, drawing praise from child protection groups while raising concerns over potential misuse among privacy advocates. What do you think?
Bullshit Antique China Doesn’t Even Say If It Microwave Safe #~# LONDONDERRY, NH—Leaving its hungry owner completely in the lurch, a piece of bullshit antique china didn’t even say if it was microwave safe, sources confirmed Wednesday. “What the fuck? Will this old-ass piece of shit break in the microwave or not?” said antique china set owner Alex Carson, adding that he didn’t want to move the mac and cheese leftovers into another bowl and get it dirty unless he absolutely had to, but the “piece of fucking garbage” Grandma made him take didn’t clarify whether it could be put in the microwave. “I looked all over this thing and there’s just nothing, I’m totally in the dark here. I guess back in 1883 or whatever they couldn’t be fucking bothered to simply write whether this bowl was microwave safe on the bottom. Maybe it rubbed off, although you think if that happened Grandma would have left some kind of instructions. What material even is china? Why do we even hang on this fucking shit?” At press time, a loud cracking sound could be heard coming from the man’s microwave.
Queen Elizabeth Scolds Prince Andrew For Having Sex With Minors Outside Of Royal Bloodline #~# LONDON—Disappointed in her son for not keeping the family in mind, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II reportedly scolded her son Prince Andrew this week for having sex with minors outside the royal bloodline. “It is none of my business if you wish to consort with teenagers, but for God’s sake, at least find a girl within our family’s lineage,” the monarch said in admonishing the Duke of York, who is being sued for his alleged sexual assault of an underage victim who is not in the line of succession to any throne in Europe or even a member of the British peerage. “I don’t see why you’re getting mixed up with these commoners when you have a perfectly good 14-year-old cousin in the Netherlands who’s a duchess. All you had to do was ask, and your father and I would have been glad to arrange it.” According to sources, Elizabeth later sighed and added that she was at least thankful the underage American girl her son slept with had not been Black.
Cuomo Scandal A Somber Reminder That Leaders Bad At Job Can Have Dark Side Too #~# ALBANY, NY—Demonstrating the potential pitfalls of rushing to conclusions, Andrew Cuomo’s sexual harassment scandal and subsequent resignation reportedly served  as a somber reminder Tuesday that leaders who are bad at their job can have a dark side too. “You wouldn’t think someone who’s had accusations of corruption dog him throughout his political career would have this seedy personal side as well,” said New York resident Harold Barnes, adding that apparently even the career politician son of a prominent governor who got everything he ever wanted could end up being someone who apparently lacked a moral compass or sense of ethics. “It just goes to show that even politicians who treat their political constituents with cruelty and abuse can be hiding a cruel and abusive nature that rears its ugly head in interpersonal relationships. I mean, you think you know a guy by taking stock of his professed political positions and actions, and watch as his top aide goes to prison for bribery, he repeatedly railroads his own party in service of a conservative austerity agenda, and lets thousands of elderly people die needlessly—all while writing a self-aggrandizing book touting his ability to manage a pandemic that even at that very minute he is mismanaging—and yet you have no clue that he could be such a bastard behind the scenes.” Sources added that the governor’s fall from grace ought to sound a note of caution to anyone venerating a manifestly awful and careless politician, lest they turn out to be an awful and careless person underneath.
Cuomo Apologizes For Role In Hiring So Many Crazy Liars Who Sabotaged His Political Career #~# ALBANY, NY—In an effort to take responsibility for the scandal that ultimately led to his resignation, departing governor Andrew Cuomo apologized Tuesday for his role in hiring so many crazy liars determined to sabotage his political career. “I am the one who approved these staffing decisions and ultimately have no one to blame but myself for associating with numerous hysterical psychos who want nothing more than to prevent me from ever rising to higher office,” said Cuomo, telling reporters that he had undoubtedly displayed poor judgment in giving jobs to a bunch of loons who would provide false testimony and intentionally misconstrue his effusiveness as something more sinister in an effort to destroy his popularity. “I made a terrible error in opening the governor’s office to a coven of power-hungry harpies who are so jealous of my success and innate goodness that they’d say anything to hurt me, and for that I am deeply sorry to my family, my constituents, and the great state of New York.” Cuomo added that he planned to spend his time as a private citizen doing some serious soul-searching about how best to exact retribution against those who had wronged him. 
The Onion Looks Back On New York’s Greatest Champion Of Immorality #~# Full article.
Pentagon To Require Covid Vaccines For Active-Duty Troops #~# The Pentagon has announced that U.S. troops will be required to get vaccinated against Covid-19 by September 15, noting that the deadline could be moved up pending FDA approval. What do you think?
‘Rise Up, Patriots!’ Rand Paul Calls To Intubated Patients Lying Unconscious In Hospital ICU #~# WASHINGTON—Rallying patients lying unconscious in the intensive care unit of George Washington University Hospital, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) called on those intubated due to Covid-19 to rise up from their hospital beds and choose freedom, sources confirmed Tuesday. “To all you brave patriots who have been imprisoned in this ICU, I say join me and your fellow countrymen in rebelling against this despotic medical system!” shouted Paul, a non-board-certified ophthalmologist who represents a state in which more than 1,000 people are hospitalized with Covid, before going on to urge every patient with acute respiratory failure to join arm-in-arm and cast off the tyrannical yoke of fear and propaganda. “Don’t you see? Those ventilators aren’t there to save you, they’re meant to enslave you. They may look like innocent, artificial breathing devices intended to provide you with a steady supply of oxygen, but they are the shackles of your oppressor. Rip out your breathing tube and join the resistance!” At press time, dozens of Covid patients had reportedly died after Paul attempted to reenact the Boston Tea Party by dumping their discolored, hypoxic bodies into the Potomac.
‘Maybe I Should Take Up Kayaking,’ Reports Last Flickering Ember Of Man’s Interest In Personal Growth #~# AUSTIN, TX—Having nearly given up on the concept of self development entirely, the last flickering ember of area man Lawrence Tell’s interest in personal growth led him to consider taking up kayaking, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I heard it’s supposed to be a good workout,” said the 33-year-old’s final grasp at getting outside of his comfort zone and trying new things before resigning himself to a life of soul-crushing monotony. “I did it a few times at camp when I was younger and it was pretty fun. Would also be nice to get outdoors and enjoy nature.”After thinking about it some more, Tell decided it was probably too expensive.
Astronomers Announce God’s Penis Will Be Visible In Night Sky For First Time In Millennia #~# HOUSTON—Calling it an “extraordinary, once-in-a-lifetime” celestial event, astronomers announced Tuesday that the Lord God Almighty’s penis would be visible in the night sky for the first time in a millennia. “Tonight, for the first time in over 1,000 years, the Holy Father’s divine phallus will descend from Heaven and be fully visible to anyone in the continental United States,” said Derek Heisy, an astronomer at Rice University, adding that the all-knowing Creator’s mighty shaft and head would likely drop down into the sky at 11:30 p.m. EST, and would swing slowly between Mars and Jupiter for approximately an hour. “While his Holiness’s Genitals may be ever present, it’s extremely rare that the entire, unadulterated member passes this close to the Earth’s horizon, enormous bush and all. In fact, if the sky is clear, you should be able to see the veins with a pair of binoculars or a small telescope. The last time this happened was during the Crusades, when His Blessed Schlong momentarily dangled from the Promised Land and He accidentally grazed his nuts against the moon.”At press time, astronomers were urging residents to not look directly at His Holiness’s Penis while it was erect, lest they risk going blind.
Cowboys Sign Young 70-Year-Old Backup To Compete With Jerry Jones For Owner Job #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Hoping to light a fire under the executive after years of poor performance, the Dallas Cowboys signed a young 70-year-old backup owner on Tuesday to compete with Jerry Jones for his job. “We love Jerry, but he just hasn’t been performing to his full potential the past few decades, so we thought the time was right to give him a little motivation,” said vice president Stephen Jones, who claimed that while the Cowboys are not planning on moving on from their longtime owner, it did not hurt to have a little insurance if his skills continue to decline. “It’s not meant as a sign of disrespect, but in the end, it’s all about results and how the team did last year. You can’t just coast by on your legacy. We also can’t deny that Jerry is getting up there and is a serious injury risk. His career could be cut short by a heart attack or stroke any day now.” At press time, Jones was demanding to be traded to another franchise unless the team replaced underperforming executive Jerry Jones Jr.
Ugh, Here We Go: Bowser Just Went Off On A Huge ‘It’s The Owner, Not The Breed’ Thing After We Said We’d Never Let A Chain Chomp Near Our Kids #~# Oh boy, we’re off to the races again, gamers, because it looks like Bowser is going off on another huge rant about how “it’s the owner, not the breed” after we said we’d never let a Chain Chomp near our kids.
Chipmunks In Lake Tahoe Test Positive For Bubonic Plague #~# Officials have closed areas around Lake Tahoe after discovering chipmunks infected with Bubonic plague, a disease that killed 25 million people in the 14th century pandemic but is now treatable with antibiotics. What do you think?
‘I’ll Wait Until It Passes The CDC, DCC, CCD, FAD, AFD, FDA, BIA, AIB, BFI, FIB, FBI,’ Announces Vaccine Skeptic #~# CANTON, MS—Calling the likely FDA approval of the Covid-19 vaccine an important first step, local vaccine skeptic Martin Graham announced Monday that he still would not be receiving a jab “until it passes the CDC, DCC, CCD, FAD, AFD, FDA, BIA, AIB, BFI, FIB, FBI” and all other combinations of three letters to better ensure that what’s in it is truly safe. “The CDC wants you to believe that they have all the answers, but I’m curious as to what the DCC, AUD, and IUD have to say as well,” said Graham, 53, adding that if the FCS, XQJ, or SUV were also set to rule on the safety and effectiveness of the inoculations this week, “then that would be a whole different story.” “I’m tired of everyone taking the WHO and FDA at their word, when we aren’t seeing the research carried out by, say, the MLS—let alone agencies we know and trust like the MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL. For instance, what does the head of the CSI think of it? Is it even on their radar yet? I tell you what—give me a call when the CIA, CSI, MLM, CCC, DDD, DDS, BIB, NIB, LIN, WQH, XYZ, PPE, SAM, HAT, LLC, LOL, FIG, SNI, SNL, MOM, CVC, FMS, XMI, LAN, NLA, SAU, FSU, OMG, GMO, ENL, WUI, ZZZ, CFO, KLO, PQR, GNC, DND, JHJ, STD, BUB, WEL, VIV, NIN, VHS, RFT, DOC, PDF, HUM, SKO, HIU, UUT, FML, DRB, CCT, MEK, BIL, UTW, and the GMT all grant their blessing, and I’ll run out and get the shot as fast as you can say TTV.” At press time, Graham dutifully crossed out the FDA from his master list of 17,576 organizations he was waiting to hear from.
Returning Olympic Medalist To Have Pick Of Cameos For 2 Lines Of Stiffly Delivered Dialogue #~# LOS ANGELES—Returning home from Tokyo as the most decorated female swimmer in history, seven-time Olympic gold medalist Katie Ledecky was expected to have her pick of TV cameo appearances in which she would deliver two lines of stilted dialogue, sources confirmed Monday. “We fully expect networks such as TBS, TNT, and CBS will want to reward Katie’s feats of athleticism by offering her a bit part on a program in which, for example, she plays a lifeguard who blows a whistle and awkwardly tells some kids not to run by the pool,” said Ledecky’s booking agent Margot Handleman, adding that her client would inevitably be on screen for 20 seconds and provide a show’s protagonist with a pep talk about working hard, following your dreams, and winning—perhaps even using a clunky swimming metaphor in the process. “We’re already struggling to keep up with all the offers for cameos in which a character slyly asks her, ‘Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?’ or simply points to her and says, ‘Hey, you’re Katie Ledecky!’ It’s a little something viewers will have to look forward to this fall.” At press time, Handleman confirmed Ledecky would fly directly from Tokyo to New York to appear in a Saturday Night Live sketch in which she would ironically portray a person who is afraid to swim.
Latest Climate Change Report Just Heartfelt Farewell Letter Telling Humanity To Remember The Good Times #~# GENEVA—Cautioning readers to avoid dwelling on the negative, the latest report published Monday by the U.N.’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change was just a heartfelt letter telling humanity to remember the good times. “Look, regardless of what happens next, it’s been a great 300,000 years for our species,” read the assessment in part, adding that it would be a shame if the prospect of continual cataclysmic storms and unbreathable air overshadowed Homo sapiens’ many high points, such as the development of spoken language, stone tools, and agriculture. “After studying all the data on ozone levels and the rate of melting permafrost, we found that you shouldn’t harp on that and instead focus on stuff like the Renaissance and the invention of irrigation or ice cream, you know, the halcyon times. Despite what our projections state, humanity will always be alive as long as we keep it in our hearts.” The report concluded by imploring global citizens to take immediate action by sharing one fond memory from our epoch.
U.S. Wins Most Gold Medals, Most Medals Overall At 2020 Tokyo Olympics #~# The U.S. won 39 gold medals and 113 medals overall at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, which is more than any other competing country for the seventh consecutive Summer Games,  with China coming in second. What do you think?
American Girl Shutters Business After Doing All The Types of Girls #~# MIDDLETON, WI—Having completed what it set out to do when it launched its line of dolls 35 years ago, American Girl announced Monday it had halted all production and shuttered its retail locations after determining it had done all the types of girls. “Rich girl, poor girl, black girl, white girl—as far as I can tell, we’ve done every  iteration of girl, so now seems like the right time to call it quits,” CEO Barbarella Coates said of the upscale toy brand, which typically charges $150 or more for dolls that have reportedly included such types as a horseback-riding girl, an aspiring-gymnast girl, a girl who’s into fashion, a girl who uses a wheelchair, a girl who’s an only child, a blue-haired skater girl, an animal-lover girl, and all the other kinds of girls. “If any additional types of girls were to come to our attention, we might reconsider our decision, but honestly, we seem to have it covered. We did a Jewish girl, a Korean American girl, an Irish girl. Hell, we even did a boy.” At press time, a spokesperson for American Girl declined comment when it was brought to their attention that the company had never made an overweight girl doll.
Woman Trying To Explain Away Embarrassing Running Playlist Like Mobster In FBI Interrogation #~# WEYMOUTH, MA—Insisting that she had no ties to the two-hour long compilation, local woman Lily Stein tried to explain away her embarrassing running playlist Monday like a mobster in an FBI interrogation room. “Look, I just hit play, I don’t know anything about no Taylor Swift or 6ix9ine,” said Stein, who nervously sipped from a cup of coffee and deflected any connection to the Spotify playlist as her friends scrolled through her phone. “If DaBaby is there, then that’s on the algorithm. I’m in such a zone while I’m running that I hardly even hear what’s playing. I’ll have you know that all these songs are completely above board. Are we done here?” At press time, Stein denied all wrongdoing after an iPod Touch registered to her name was found floating dead in the Weymouth Back River. 
Woman Puts Off Going To Doctor Until Disease Bad Enough For Him To Believe Her #~# MINNETONKA, MN—Admitting it really only made sense to schedule something once her symptoms were severe enough to elicit panic, local woman Kristen Perry told reporters she had put off going to the doctor until her disease was bad enough for him to believe her. “I’d love to get an appointment soon, but it’s just easier if I show up sick enough to force his hand to actually give me the correct medical care,” said Perry, adding that the last thing she wanted was to jump the gun and show up to her doctor when she wasn’t actively fainting, vomiting, or bleeding, and just be  shown the door. “I could go now, but it’s probably wiser to just hold off until I’m screaming in pain, unable to walk, and begging for treatment while I’m days from death’s door. Even if I shiver, hyperventilate, or cry, there’s absolutely no point in going unless I can actually get people’s attention by passing out cold on the waiting room floor.” Perry added that she would bide her time by taking all the painkillers she was lazily prescribed by her doctor during the last dozen visits.  
NASA Says Manned Mars Mission Already Feasible If We Pick Astronauts No One Gives Shit About #~# WASHINGTON—In an astounding scientific breakthrough once believed decades away, NASA administrator Bill Nelson told reporters Monday that a manned mission to Mars was already feasible if we picked astronauts no one gives a shit about.  “We’re excited to announce that we have both the technology and the funding to send a human crew to Mars as long as you don’t care if they come back or not,” said Nelson, who explained that the agency had managed to achieve the incredible feat after realizing there was nothing stopping them from waiving most of their technical, safety, and training requirements. “Listen, if we really want to make this happen, we can do it. We won’t send some beloved American hero up there, but just say the word, and heck, we could launch this thing as soon as tomorrow.” At press time, NASA had announced a new astronaut class of 11 assholes recruited off Craigslist who no one would ever fucking miss.
Target To Pay 100% Of College Tuition In Bid To Attract Workers #~# Target has announced it will cover the cost of tuition, fees, and textbooks for part- and full-time employees who pursue a qualifying undergraduate degree at select institutions in a bid to attract workers in a competitive labor market. What do you think?
Child Listening In On Dinner Party Wishes She Were Grown Up Enough To Follow Adult Discussion Of ‘Loki’ #~# BELLEVUE, WA—Impressed by the complexity and intensity of the conversation between her parents and their friends, local child Ava Hartley, listening in on a dinner party, wished she were grown up enough to follow the adult discussion of Loki, sources confirmed Monday. “Wow, everything they’re saying about that superhero television show is so grown-up and sophisticated,” said the 7-year-old, who was astonished at the maturity and thoughtfulness of the individuals in their mid-30s and early 40s discussing the subtleties of the Disney+ show about Tom Hiddleston’s god of mischief. “I was sort of able to follow at the beginning because I recognized names of the Avengers, but then they started using really grown-up words like ‘Time Variance Authority’ and ‘multiverse.’ One of my parents’ friends was getting really angry about something to do with a thing called the ‘Tesseract’ and whether the show ruined key character arcs, so I know whatever he was saying must be really important. I’ve got a lot to learn, but I hope when I’m their age I’ll sound just as smart and worldly as they do.” At press time, the child listening in on the dinner party had brought the conversation to a mumbling halt after she asked why her parents never mentioned the evil supervillain Russia plotting to destroy America anymore.
Ugliest Band Breakups Of All Time #~# Bands break up all the time, but those that dissolve at the height of their fame can be especially hard on both band members and fans. The Onion looks back at the ugliest band breakups of all time.
Man’s Most Lasting Contribution To Society Uploading 5-Second ‘Nutty Professor’ Clip To YouTube #~# WEST ORANGE, NJ—Far outlasting anything he has accomplished in a professional, academic, or personal capacity, sources confirmed Friday that local man Darren Thompson’s most enduring contribution to society was uploading a 5-second excerpt of The Nutty Professor to YouTube. “The brief excerpt of The Nutty Professor’s dinner scene will reach thousands of people, bringing them more joy and comfort than Darren could ever provide to another human,” said an anonymous acquaintance, referring to Thompson’s decision to post the video without advertisements as undeniable proof of his selflessness. “He’s provided an invaluable service that will continue to impact lives long after he’s dead. This clip far outweighs any effect he’s had in his community—in fact, it acts as a buffer against the lasting damage he’s done to those around him.” At press time, Thompson had further cemented his legacy by posting a 3-second clip from Nutty Professor II: The Klumps. 
Common Medical Procedures And What They Cost Around The World #~# U.S.: More money than you got
FAA Asks Airports To Not Allow Carry-On Booze On Flights #~# The Federal Aviation Administration is asking airports to stop selling to-go alcohol that passengers can take onto flights, citing a spike in unruly behavior and violence conducted by passengers who drink excessively. What do you think?
Man In Splashy Floral Print Wastes Everyone’s Time By Not Having Any Drugs On Him #~# ST. CHARLES, IA—Claiming the garment had been a frustrating source of misdirection, several concertgoers stated Friday that fellow Hinterland Music Festival attendee Dave Kalejo had been completely disrespectful of everyone’s time by wearing a splashy floral-print shirt and not having any drugs to sell or share. “Does he think he’s funny, jerking us around with that loud-ass shirt when he doesn’t have so much as a joint on him?” said 23-year-old Gus Morby, explaining that he couldn’t believe how inconsiderate it was for Kalejo to don the garish Hawaiian-style garb if he wasn’t planning to carry ketamine, ecstasy, Adderall, mushrooms, or any other illicit recreational substance. “I tried to see if he had any of that good-good, but then he asked me what I was talking about like I’m the asshole. For Christ’s sake, he’s the one wearing a flowery button-down and not holding anything except a couple Advil and an asthma inhaler. Good luck getting fucked up off that.” At press time, everyone was staring in contempt at the floral shirt and thinking about how boring the print looked when you weren’t doing any drugs.
‘I Can’t Believe We Pulled It Off,’ Says Olympics Organizer Standing In Charred Crater Where Tokyo Once Was #~# TOKYO—Staring in wonderment as the Olympic Village, stadiums, and surrounding cityscape collapsed in upon themselves, the beaming president of the International Olympic Committee said “I can’t believe we pulled it off” while standing in the charred, smoking crater where Tokyo once was. “Despite unprecedented challenges and obstacles, we never once abandoned our mission to bring the world the 2020 Summer Games,” Thomas Bach told reporters as he walked amongst the smoldering rubble and applauded Olympic organizers, workers, and athletes who were screaming for help, many of them buried beneath several thousand tons of twisted steel and concrete that had crashed down around them. “Although we faced a yearlong delay, nothing could stop us from lighting the Olympic torch in Tokyo for the first time since 1964. To everyone who said we should have given up and gone home—look at us now!” Bach then climbed atop a large pile of bones to announce his intention to hold the Summer Olympics in Los Angeles in 2028 and Brisbane in 2032 even if those cities were completely engulfed in wildfires as a result of climate change.
New Ford F-450 Promises To Make Driver Look Ever So Tiny #~# DEARBORN, MI—Touting that the new model would give customers even more of what they wanted in a pickup truck, Ford Motor Company promised Friday that the new 2022 F-450 would make the driver look every so tiny. “You will absolutely look like a weeny little baby sitting there in your driver’s seat, and we pledge that when other motorists pass you, they’ll coo at your adorable itsy-bitsy face up there in our big big truck,” said Ford CEO Jim Farley, promising that every F-450 driver, woman or man—but especially the men—would look like the most precious little baby motorist that anyone ever did see. “When you climb into the cab of our F-450 pickup truck, you’ll immediately look like the most cutest little tyke anyone has ever laid eyes on. This thing is designed for all weather, so whether you want to look tiny in a snowstorm or a pile of mud, you’re all set. You’ll be able to clap your soft little hands together and say ‘Hurrah hurray!’ in delight as the engine revs. You’re going to look so gosh-darn adorable! People will be so delighted to see you on the road. ‘What a beautiful little baby,’ they’ll think to themselves. ‘Why, they look completely ridiculous behind the wheel of that very large and powerful truck. Someone ought to call their mommy and daddy before they do a big vroom-vroom and someone gets hurt.’ That’s the Ford promise.” Farley added that the F-450 had been specially engineered to make the pickup bed purely cosmetic and unable to hold any weight at all in accordance with the lifestyles of the typical ever-so-delicate Ford customer.
Rihanna Officially A Billionaire #~# According To Forbes, pop star Rihanna is officially a billionaire with a net worth of $1.7 billion, making her the second richest female entertainer in the world behind Oprah Winfrey. What do you think? 
U.S. Ranked Last In Healthcare Rankings Of High-Income Countries #~# A new report has found that among high-income countries, the U.S. ranks last in access to healthcare, equity, and outcomes, despite spending a far greater share of its economy on health care. What do you think?
Skunk Forced To Bluff Way Through Encounter With Dog After Realizing There’s Nothing Left In Chamber #~# CLEVELAND—Grimly aware that confidence was the only thing standing between him and certain death, a local skunk reportedly realized Thursday that he was going to have to bluff his way through an encounter with a dog now that he had nothing left in the chamber. “Easy does it, just act cool and we’re all going to get out of this just fine,” said the skunk to himself, struggling to keep from shaking as he pointed his empty scent gland towards his adversary. “Don’t break eye contact or show any signs of weakness. For all he knows, you’re loaded for bear and ready to blast his ass into next week—of course, if he finds out about all the rounds I just fired into that family of raccoons, I’m fucking done for.” At press time, the skunk was reportedly sweating profusely and moving his tail from side to side as several more dogs began to circle him.
Frustrated Customer At HBO’s ‘The Shop’ Waiting Hours For Haircut While LeBron Talks About 2016 Finals #~# LOS ANGELES—Anxiously stirring in his chair as the barber was interrupted once again, barbershop customer Jerry Esperance  was frustrated at a taping of HBO’s The Shop Thursday as he waited two hours for a haircut while LeBron James talked about the 2016 NBA Finals. “I’m just want a haircut—how much longer do they have to talk about LeBron’s legacy?” asked Esperance, who questioned how the barbershop stayed open with a clientele of four athletes and television personalities. “I would’ve waited in my car if I knew they’d just be talking about “The Block” for three hours. I thought they were done when LeBron talked about lifting the Finals MVP trophy, but then they change camera positions and started all over again. He’s not even getting his haircut.” At press time, Esperance left the barbershop halfway through his haircut after James brought up filming Space Jam: A New Legacy.
Kanye West Releases New Album As Hot Fudge Sundae To First Thousand People In Mercedes Benz Stadium #~# ATLANTA—Saying  the format encapsulated everything he hoped to express in the  forthcoming project, Kanye West revealed Thursday that he would opt to  release his new album as a hot fudge sundae to the first thousand people  waiting outside Mercedes Benz Stadium. “When you think of Donda  from now on, think of a plastic container of ice cream drizzled with hot  fudge that’s handed out to the first thousand lucky fans who enter this  iconic stadium,” said the award-winning recording artist, adding that  the idea to scrap years of work on the album’s recorded portion and  instead release it as an ice cream-based door prize had occurred to him  during a particularly grueling late-night mixing session. “Scoop of  vanilla. Scoop of chocolate. Some whipped cream. Hey, little bit of  nuts. Hot fudge. Oh, and a maraschino cherry. That’s what Donda is  all about, baby.” At press time, West’s choice to again push back the  project’s rollout had raised speculation that he would actually release it as a commemorative football helmet filled with loaded nachos.
‘You’re Going Away For A Long Time’ Says Police Officer Successfully Locking Up Rape Kit #~# SAN DIEGO—Proudly dusting off his hands and slamming the door shut,  local police officer Jason McCabe reportedly said “You’re going away for a long time” Thursday after successfully locking up a rape kit. “You’re never getting out of here, not on my watch,” said the 10-year police force veteran, who threatened to throw away the key as he double-checked the bolt on the evidence storage room door to confirm that neither the rape kit nor any of the other thousands of untested sexual assault kits locked away in the facility would see the light of day. “You think you’re going to leave here before the statute of limitations expires? Fat chance, buddy. You’re right where you belong. I hope you rot here, you sick bastard.” At press time, McCabe had returned to rough up the rape kit for good measure.
Things McDonald’s Would Hate If You Knew About Their Restaurants #~# McDonald’s may be a beloved multinational corporation, but its history is plagued by dark secrets. Here are several horrifying facts McDonald’s would hate if you knew about their restaurants.
Child Assumed He’d Probably Get Abducted By Guy Like This #~# SMYRNA, DE—Sighing to himself because it seemed so obvious in retrospect, local 7-year-old Elijah Adelwright confirmed Thursday he had always assumed that if ever got abducted, it would be by a guy like this. “Well, of course this is my kidnapper—just look at him,” the second-grader said of the skittish, partially balding middle-aged man who wheezed as he came over to him in the playground and asked if he liked Paw Patrol. “Yeah, nothing really shocking about this one. The sad sack hanging around the park with a backpack full of Skittles and Dr Pepper turns out to be a child predator. Go figure. The universe isn’t exactly throwing me a curve ball with this one.” At press time, the boy was reportedly rolling his eyes as he imagined how the abductor would probably drone on and on about not getting enough love as a child as a rationale for molesting him.
Man Hides Under Bed, Covers Mouth As Enormous Delta Variant Virus Tears Through House #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Awaking with a jolt to the sound of the enraged virus rampaging around his kitchen, local man Chris Turner reportedly hid under his bed and covered his mouth in terror Thursday as an enormous Delta coronavirus variant tore through his house. “Please, God, I’ll do anything, just make this mutation go away,” whispered a panicked Turner, who held his breath beneath his bed frame and watched helplessly as the gargantuan virus ripped through his belongings, tearing  shelves out of his closet and throwing his dresser against the wall before pausing over his mattress and using its five-inch-long spike proteins to sniff for blood. “Don’t panic, don’t panic. Maybe if I  just stay very quiet, it will think I’m dead. Plus, I’m young and healthy. It might not even want anything to do with me. Oh God.” At press time, Turner had pulled out his phone to contact the Centers for Disease Control, only to gasp in terror when the device began loudly vibrating.
‘RollerCoaster Tycoon’ Fans Will Love This: Hundreds Have Died On These 2 Roller Coasters Designed To Smash Into Each Other #~# For fans of the classic 1999 strategy game, RollerCoaster Tycoon  brings up a lot of fond memories: That unforgettable soundtrack, the  screams of satisfied guests, and, of course, messing around with the  free build feature to create the most twisted amusement park imaginable.  But a new project at West Virginia’s Cedar Lake Attractions theme park  is taking nostalgia to a whole new level by killing hundreds of riders  on two roller coasters that were built to smash into each other!
Barbie Debuts Doll Honoring Covid-19 Vaccine Creator #~# Toymaker Mattel has debuted a new Barbie doll in the likeness of a British vaccinologist who developed the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine, as well as several other women working in similar fields, to inspire young girls to go into STEM careers. What do you think?
Cuomo Increasingly Desperate To Shift Focus Back Onto Nursing Home Deaths #~# ALBANY, NY—In the wake of damning revelations concerning the New York governor’s sexual  misconduct, an increasingly desperate Andrew Cuomo attempted to shift media focus  back onto the nursing home deaths caused by his administration at a Wednesday press conference. “Of course, I appreciate the concern about these women’s allegations, but let’s not forget that I made a concerted effort to cover up the deaths of 9,250 seniors who died because of my negligence—that’s really what we should be talking about, right?” said a visibly panicked Cuomo, who proceeded to deflect several reporter’s questions  by cuing up a slideshow featuring pictures of the doctored documents and his rescinded statewide order demanding nursing homes accept elderly patients carrying the coronavirus or else face legal consequences. “Let’s look at the facts here: I  sent throngs of sick senior citizens into New York nursing homes. That’s a terrible decision. Then I cooked the books so that no one knew the toll of my incompetence. Insane, huh? That’s front page, above-the-fold news that’ll last dozens of news cycles, if I’ve ever heard it. I don’t know, guys. Maybe focus on that.” At press time, the embattled governor announced that he was also an open book if any reporters wanted to talk about the corruption allegations against him.
Juilliard Opens Business School For Students Who Realize Acting Thing Probably A Long Shot #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to accommodate pupils who are realistic about their chances in the industry, the performing arts conservatory Juilliard announced Wednesday that it had formed a new business school for students who realize the whole acting thing is probably a long shot. “This exciting new program will serve to educate some of today’s greatest budding thespians who are clear-eyed and practical about how few paying jobs there are for actors,” Juilliard president Damian Woetzel said of the degrees now being offered in accounting, finance, and project management for students who, lacking major Hollywood connections or independently wealthy parents, will inevitably bum around the Brooklyn theater scene for a couple years before going broke and calling it quits. “This is an extremely competitive school, and it is reserved for only a few select, gifted performers whose obvious talents will do nothing to stop them from getting chewed up and spat out by the entertainment industry.” Woetzel added that several students had already dropped out of the new program after realizing business schools were somehow even more full of assholes than drama classes.
Study Finds Falsehoods About Delta Variant May Spread Twice As Easily As Original Covid Misinformation #~# ATLANTA—Warning that the new inaccuracies were considerably more contagious than previous varieties, a Centers for Disease Control study released Wednesday found that falsehoods about the Delta variant may spread twice as easily as the original Covid-19 misinformation. “Our data indicate that the transmissibility of the initial Covid fallacies and conspiracy theories pales in comparison to dubious statements concerning the Delta variant,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, explaining that  even those who had been vaccinated were still capable of spreading misleading and erroneous comments. “We were already struggling under the early waves of unreliable statistics, and the Delta strain of misinformation is making our job even harder. Once these unverified memes and bogus claims break through and infect the minds of large portions of the population through Facebook, Reddit, and Twitter, they’re nearly impossible to control.” The report concluded that the efficacy of booster data to combat the spread of Delta variant lies was still unconfirmed.
NYC To Require Proof Of Vaccination For Certain Indoor Activities #~# New York City will become the first major city in the U.S. to require proof of vaccination for restaurants, gyms, theaters, and other indoor activities, which officials hope will put pressure on people to get vaccinated. What do you think?
‘I Want To Be In The Olympics Someday,’ Says Delusional Kindergartner Already 4 Years Behind In Elite Training #~# LA VISTA, NE—In a stunning display of self-delusional and outright ignorance, local kindergartner Mia Gaughan told reporters Wednesday that she wants to compete in the Olympics someday despite already being 4 years behind in elite training. “I’m going to be just like her one day!” said Gaughan, pointing to the TV screen where highlights from the Summer Games showed gold medal-winning gymnast Jade Carey executing a series of tumbling passes that only an athlete who had spent their entire formative life training with professional coaches at an exclusive USA Gymnastics-member club for up to 45 hours a week could ever hope to accomplish, a benchmark that someone at Gaughan’s age and level of expertise could not possibly dream of clearing. “I’m going to do all kinds of flips! I’m going to win the gold medal—no, I’m going to win five gold medals! In gymnastics and swimming and horse riding!” At press time, sources had concluded that the child must be either incredibly narcissistic or simply moronic if she thought she even stood a chance of making it to the Olympic trials.
Our Bad, Gamers: Historians Tell Us ‘Axis Of Evil’ Does Not Actually Refer To People Who Use Inverted Aiming Controls #~# Dear gamers, if there’s anything we value here at OGN, it’s humility. Although we may very well be the internet’s foremost voice in gaming journalism, we are human beings too, human beings who have flaws and imperfections, just like yourselves. When we get caught making a mistake, we want to own up to it as soon as possible so we can make amends and move forward. That’s why today, gamers, we want to issue a mea culpa. 
Evenhanded Oatmeal Packaging Won’t Say Which Cooking Method Preferred #~# SALEM, MA—In an impressive display of neutrality and fair-mindedness, sources confirmed Wednesday that the packaging for Better Oats Steel Cut Oatmeal refused to say which cooking method was preferred. “What’s so refreshing about these particular oatmeal-making directions is that they put both the stovetop and the microwave method on equal footing,” said local woman Grace Mandeville, lauding the oatmeal packaging for its unswerving commitment to combating systemic bias that fail consumers by only presenting them with cherry-picked information about the ease of preparation allowed by microwaving or the classic taste guaranteed by the stovetop method. “Quaker Oats’ packaging treats you like a child with the constant editorializing about how it goes great with raisins and brown sugar. Here, though, they respect my intelligence enough to let me decide for myself. I appreciate that.” At press time, a desperately hungry Mandeville had begun to eat a granola bar after realizing she had no idea how to decide between the two cooking options.
The Onion’s Guide To HIPAA #~# As tensions grow across the country over managing the coronavirus pandemic, the healthcare privacy law HIPAA has entered the spotlight, but many people don’t know exactly how HIPAA works. The Onion answers the most common questions people have about HIPAA.
Loyal Russell Westbrook Fan Tired Of Buying New Jersey, Relocating Whole Family Every Year #~# ROCKVILLE, MD—Furrowing his brow at the cost of housing while looking at listings in the Los Angeles area, loyal Russell Westbrook fan Marc Freeman told reporters Wednesday that he was getting tired of buying a new team jersey and relocating his whole family every year. “I love Russ, but it’s getting tough to try and make new friends in a new city every single year,” said Freeman, who bemoaned the chore of purchasing a new hat, acquiring a new poster for his basement rec room, changing his car registration, forwarding all his mail, and finding a new health insurance plan whenever a disgruntled Westbrook forced his way onto a new team. “I hope he stays put in LA for a few years so my kid can go to the same high school all four years. Although I grew up in Oregon, so maybe he can force a trade to the Trailblazers so I can at least be near my family again.” At press time, Freeman was shuffling through papers to try and understand the complications of going through divorce proceedings in two separate states.
Poland Grants Visa To Belarusian Olympian Refusing To Board Flight Home #~# Poland has granted a humanitarian visa to a Belarusian Olympic sprinter who refused to board a flight home from Tokyo because she feared she’d be arrested upon arrival after criticizing team officials. What do you think?
The Most Unethical Dog Breeds You Can Purchase And Why #~# Buying a dog is hard enough without having to care for a twisted, genetic monstrosity produced from thousands of years of canine inbreeding. Here are the most unethical kinds of dogs you can purchase, and why you should avoid them.
Olympic Divers Tormented By Hawks That Built Nest On Nearby Platform #~# TOKYO—Citing the distraction of large raptorial birds with wingspans of up to 5 feet, multiple Olympic divers told reporters Wednesday they struggled to complete their events after being tormented by a family of black kite hawks that was nesting on an adjacent platform. “My God, someone make the screeching stop—it’s horrifying!” said Team USA diver Katrina Young, who described how the birds of prey kept circling the pool during the women’s 10-meter platform preliminaries, waiting for their chance to swoop down and start pecking at the athletes whenever they surfaced. “I can’t even complete my approach without getting slashed by a talon, let alone focus enough to pull off a reverse three-and-a-half somersault tuck. These poor animals probably think we’re trying to steal their eggs or something, but for fuck’s sake, I’ve trained my whole life for this. Now the platform’s covered in blood, and the pool is turning a deeper, darker red. So much darkness and so much blood and nothing can ever, ever wash it away.” At press time, witnesses confirmed a hawk had snatched up one of the Australian divers and flown away with her.
Florida Breaks Own Record For Covid-19 Hospitalizations #~# Florida recently broke both its records for most confirmed daily Covid-19 cases since the start of the pandemic and Covid-19 hospitalizations, with more than 10,200 people currently hospitalized. What do you think?
Infrastructure Bill To Fund 11,000-Mile-Long Detour Around Nation During Construction #~# WASHINGTON—Following delicate bipartisan negotiations to update U.S. roads, highways, and bridges, the Senate moved forward Tuesday on a landmark infrastructure bill that would fund an 11,000-mile-long detour around the nation during construction. “It’s taken years, but we have finally reached a deal on a pair of massive, 20-lane temporary roads that will allow motorists to bypass America while it is being rebuilt,” Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said of the $1 trillion plan that reportedly provides enough cones, flares, large orange barrels, and concrete barriers to block off the country’s 4.18 million miles of road. “Under the new agreement, drivers will be able to simply follow the detour signs, winding their way through several states until they reach one of the two alternate routes that will loop around the country to the north and south—through Canada and Mexico, respectively. We urge Americans to follow the signs closely, lest they take a wrong turn and end up thousands of miles off course, or worse, at the bottom of the Atlantic or Pacific Ocean.” While acknowledging the detour could delay commutes by up to three weeks, Schumer remarked that the temporary inconvenience would all be worth it once the nation’s construction was complete in 2065. 
Senate Loses Congress Contract To Upstart Private Legislator Firm #~# WASHINGTON—The members of the U.S. Senate were seen Tuesday packing up their Capitol offices after the Senate reportedly lost their Congress contract to an upstart private legislator firm. “Well, it’s been a good run being in charge of Congress, but an aging government organization like the Senate just can’t compete with one of these hotshot private sector startups,” said Patty Murray, one of the longest-serving U.S. senators, after finding out that the Senate had been outbid by Congressional Enterprises, LLC for the new Congress contract and would now relinquish control of America’s upper house of the legislature to the 43-employee Miami-based firm. “We hoped to renew our contract, but evidently the powers that be decided to go in a different direction. It’s disappointing for us since most of us are getting up there in years and it’s going to be hard to shift careers, but you can see the appeal of a cutting-edge newcomer filled with bright young people making new laws all the time. Plus, their online presence is much better than ours. I must say, I’m jealous of the new congressional high-rise they’ve got down in Florida. Apparently, they’ve also poached a few senators, which must be why Cory [Booker] and Ben [Sasse] have been acting all weird lately. Well, good luck to the House of Representatives working with this new LLC to write and pass new U.S. laws.” At press time, most of the members of the Senate announced they were moving into the private sector as well, opening Senate Executive Advisors, a new consultant firm that would provide governmental expertise to select U.S. client states.
Anthony Bourdain Doc Under Fire For Using AI To Recreate Talking Pastrami Sandwich #~# LOS ANGELES—With critics deriding the move as an unethical use of technology, the documentary Roadrunner: A Film About Anthony Bourdain was lambasted Tuesday for using A.I. to recreate a talking pastrami sandwich. “I kept asking myself throughout the film, ‘How did they get these intimate conversations between Bourdain and a chipper sentient pastrami on rye?’ but it turns out it was just digital trickery,” said viewer and Bourdain enthusiast Page Malman, telling reporters that she couldn’t help but feel betrayed that the filmmakers had used deceptive tactics to create fill-in audio of the sandwich describing its perfectly smoked, mouth-watering flavor. “It’s unsettling because you can’t always tell what is real and what’s not—how much of the pastrami singing about the ways a hearty lunch can chase the blues away was actually real and how much was just cobbled together by a computer? This is a sandwich that got eaten years ago, and here they are throwing it up onto the screen and making it say things it never did during its lifetime. It just seems wrong.” At press time, filmmakers had claimed that the scene in which the pastrami performs a rap about the history of deli meat was integral to the documentary’s narrative and had been cleared beforehand with the sandwich’s estate. 
Man Assured Friend’s Tap Water Always Looks Like That #~# CHICAGO—Responding to the apprehensive look on his guest’s face, local man Nathan Wagner reportedly assured a visiting friend Tuesday that his tap water always looks like that. “Oh, don’t worry—I know it looks weird, but I drink it all the time,” said Wagner, who attempted to get ahead of any concerns his friend might have about the safety of his drinking water by immediately launching into an impassioned defense of the murky looking glass he had handed him. “Just give it a few seconds to settle and then it will be clear. I don’t know why it does that, but it’s fine. Yeah, it’s just because of the minerals or something. It tastes normal, I promise. It was definitely tested for lead, they have to do that, I think.” At press time, Wagner’s friend had decided he was actually in the mood for a soda. 
Real Estate Developers Decide Colorful Bench Enough To Deem Area ‘Arts District’ #~# LANSING, MI—In an effort to maximize the return on a newly constructed property they were trying to sell, local real estate developers Wellstone & Associates on Tuesday reportedly decided that a nearby colorful bench was enough to deem the area an “arts district.” “The bench is red, yellow, green and blue, and it looks like someone, somewhere put a little bit of creativity into its design, so for our listing purposes I think we can go ahead and call this a trendy up-and-coming artist mecca,” said developer Kelsey Cross, adding that seeing a bearded man in a flannel shirt walking by was probably sufficient to tell potential buyers that this was the neighborhood where all the creative types hung out. “There’s some nice yellow flowers over there, and there’s a couple restaurants with colorful signage that you could probably say bring an ‘authentic flair’ or something like that. Plus there’s all that green space in the area between the road and sidewalk kind of near where that colorful bench is. Yeah, this is a thriving arts district for sure.” The real estate developers also reportedly decided that the presence of a Starbucks three miles from the building’s site was enough to declare the area had a “charming local cafe culture.”
Cult Leader Warns Followers Things Need To Get Way More Deranged To Be Made Into HBO Documentary Series #~# SEATTLE—Telling his acolytes that they were simply not hitting the mark to attract the eye of the acclaimed cable channel, Glensard Handswith, principle master of the Tricyclonian Order, warned followers Tuesday that things needed to get way more deranged for their cult to ever be made into an HBO documentary. “All Inductees of the Order, hear me on this grand sanctum day: If we are going to get our story before a prestige audience, we need to amp all the unhinged stuff way, way up,” said the Guiding Teacher, pointing to the relative tameness of the mud-splattered demonic orgies, videotaped unburdening sessions, and 5,000 rounds of live munitions stored in the leadership’s Celestial Yurts. “Obviously, we’ll take Netflix if that’s our best option, but HBO is going to give our narrative room to really breathe—I’m talking nine or ten hours, stark close-ups of excommunicated member testimony, and a really killer cinematographer making all the shots of the compound sing. Only way we’re getting that is if we ramp up our celebrity recruitment and give a few of them permanent brain damage during a Prismatic Tribunal.  Unfortunately, inseminating a few teenagers with my divine seed just isn’t cutting mustard anymore.” At press time, Handswith had punished his followers for their failings by forcing them to strip naked in a cold cellar and stitch  Tricyclonian patterns into their clothing for eight hours of footage that he said would make great B-Roll.
Baby Born With Twin Inside Stomach #~# A newborn baby in Israel shocked doctors after an X-ray revealed she carried a twin fetus inside her stomach, an extremely rare occurrence that only arises once in every 500,000 births. What do you think?
Congress Advises Newly Evicted Americans To Just Relocate To Second Home #~# WASHINGTON—Following the expiration of the federal eviction moratorium intended to help tenants during the coronavirus pandemic, congressional leaders advised newly evicted Americans Monday to just relocate to their second homes. “As evictions ramp up all around the country, we urge anyone who has been forced out of their residence to take up refuge in their second vacation home,” said Senator Mark Warner (D-VA), explaining that in order to relieve overcrowding in homeless shelters, citizens should call up their chauffeur and immediately be escorted to their country estate via private jet or superyacht. “We understand that your winter cottage in New Hampshire or oceanside villa might be smaller and have less opulent amenities than what you had before, but we all need to  make sacrifices during this difficult period. Think of this as merely a stopgap measure while your family trust moves around the funds necessary for you to buy back your old place.” At press time, Congress was nearing a deal that would provide rent forgiveness for those making $250 thousand or more.
Overrun Chicago Hospital Giving Priority To Lollapalooza’s VIP Ticket Holders #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to cope with the massive influx of patients from the eight-stage, 170-band music festival in nearby Grant Park, an overwhelmed Rush University Medical Center announced Monday that it would be giving priority to Lollapalooza’s VIP ticket holders. “We encourage all concertgoers with Platinum or VIP passes to get in the express line for our ICU, where they’ll receive a complimentary intubation and exclusive access to our ventilators,” said hospital administrator Erin Rossler, who added that holders of the premium passes could beat the festival’s daily crowds of around 100,000 people and hang out in the designated Lolla Triage Lounge while waiting for the results of their pulmonary function tests. “Once they have received a specialty monoclonal-antibody cocktail, as well as a curated offering of remdesivir and corticosteroids, we will begin serving everyone else. While we know this may be frustrating for those currently waiting in the emergency room, we must honor the terms of these VIP packages.” At press time, the hospital reportedly told general admission ticket holders they were welcome to wait in a tent in the parking lot, where they would be able to patronize a variety of local refrigerated morgue trucks.
U.S. Economy Surpasses Pre-Pandemic Size #~# A report by the Commerce Department has found that the United States’ GDP grew at a 6.5% annual rate last quarter as the nation recovers from the coronavirus recession, with the total size of the economy now surpassing where it was before the pandemic. What do you think?
Common Lies Your Doctor Will See Right Through #~# Except for the ones who botch surgeries or misdiagnose cancers, doctors aren’t stupid. Here are the most common white lies everyone tells medical professionals that your doctor can see right through.
Woman Wishes Husband Was Still Alive To Help Her Bury His Body In Garden #~# WALTHAM, MA—Reminiscing wistfully about her departed spouse, local woman Helen Calkins reportedly wished Monday that her husband was still alive to help her bury his body in their garden. “Oh, Frank always loved getting his hands dirty in the backyard, so it would have been a real pleasure for him to dig a shallow grave to dispose of his corpse,” said Calkins, confirming that her longtime partner’s expertise with yard tools would have made him particularly well-suited to using a chainsaw to hack his cadaver into tiny pieces. “I have to admit, I’m pooped from just dragging his body into the tool shed, but if Frankie were here, he would have already been off in his jeep to throw his severed head and hands into the ocean by now—he was always the outdoorsy one in the relationship.” At press time, Calkins was reportedly smiling to herself thinking that her husband wouldn’t have had the first idea about how to adequately clean up the blood and viscera on the living room carpet. 
Traitorous Eyelash Gets In Eye It Sworn To Protect #~# BOSTON—Abandoning its most sacred duty to defend the sight organ from dust and other ocular irritants, a traitorous eyelash got into the eye of local man Richard Paulson despite being sworn to protect it, sources confirmed Monday. “You son of a bitch, I never should have trusted you,” said Paulson, his eye watering as he attempted to dig out the half-inch turncoat hair with a trembling pinky finger and, moments later, cursed the lash for slipping further down into his tear duct. “This is absolutely unacceptable. You took an oath to do one thing—one thing—and now you’ve betrayed me like Judas fucking Iscariot! Goddamn it.” At press time, Paulson was overheard shouting “I’ll show you!” at the duplicitous eyelash before plunging a letter opener into his bare eye.
Diamonds Swapped For Pebbles In $5.8 Million Heist #~# A 60-year-old French woman has been jailed for five and a half years in London after posing as a diamond expert and stealing seven precious gems in an elaborate daytime heist, even pretending she couldn’t speak English to buy herself more time to switch the rare stones out for a bag filled with pebbles. What do you think?
Researchers Discover Galaxy-Sized Goldfish Astronauts Discarded From Space Shuttle In 1988 #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that it was an invasive species not normally seen in this environment, NASA researchers announced Monday the discovery of a galaxy-sized goldfish that astronauts had discarded from the space shuttle in 1988. “These things will just grow to fit their environment, so in the vacuum of space, it’s been getting bigger and bigger ever since pilot Richard Covey jettisoned the goldfish from the Discovery after realizing it was too much of a responsibility,” said researchers Kayleigh Bund, confirming that the gargantuan carp, which weighed approximately three octillion tons and between 40,000 - 50,000 lightyears long had been floating through deep space for the past three decades. “This guy doesn’t have any natural predators out here so it’s been thriving, but obviously it presents something of a problem because it’s been eating up crucial resources that the universe needs to survive. This is a good opportunity to remind everyone that if you’re ever planning to travel to outer space, it’s sometimes best to leave your pets at home.” Bund added that NASA hoped to utilize a supermassive black hole to scoop up the fish and transfer it to a different dimension.
Alabama Plans To Use Covid Relief Funds To Build Prisons #~# Alabama, which has the highest death rate from Covid-19 in America, is planning to use $400 million from the American Rescue Plan, nearly 20% of the state’s pandemic relief money, to build three new prisons. What do you think?
World’s Largest Dinosaur Shoe Print Discovered In Australia #~# QUEENSLAND, AUSTRALIA—In a groundbreaking discovery that sheds new light on the mobility, migratory habits, and fashion sensibilities of a species that lived 94 million years ago, researchers at the Brigham Young University announced Thursday they had unearthed the world’s largest dinosaur shoe print. “Thanks to its remarkably well-preserved  imprint, we have determined this shoe—the equivalent of a U.S. men’s size 70—provided an adult Tyrannosaurus Rex with both cushioning and arch support while remaining stylish,” said paleontology professor Vivian Keelin, referring to the Late Cretaceous theropod that appears to have had a heavy, lumbering gait, a long stride, and a problem with overpronation that was treated with orthotics. “With state-of-the-art digital modeling and a 3D printer, we have actually been able to recreate the brown wingtip lace-up oxfords this dinosaur wore during its time on earth. A snappy dresser, it seems to have opted for footwear that provided comfort as well as a classic, on-trend look.” Keelin confirmed her research team was revising its digital model of the Tyrannosaurus Rex forelimbs to show the opposable thumbs it must have possessed in order to tie its shoes.
Signs You Definitely Smoke Too Much Weed #~# Research has found no stronger indicator of excess weed smoking than being Derek.
Remorseful Poster Deletes Comment After Accidentally Telling Wrong Stranger To Kill Self #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing regret at the unfortunate error, remorseful internet poster Dan Hitchins, 33, reportedly deleted his comment Thursday upon realizing he accidentally told the wrong stranger to kill themselves. “Sorry about that, I never intended to say something so caustic and terrible to you, and I am deeply sorry I typed such awful things in the completely wrong thread,” said Hitchins under his username godsoldier, clarifying that the the “blow your brains out” remark was intended for a “total fucking moron”  and not the innocent person that he had replied to inadvertently. “I’m so embarrassed! After some reflection, I have decided to retract that horrendous comment as well as the one I was about to type that indicated you should close your laptop and immediately take off your belt and hang yourself since no one would miss such loser, and I will instead be forwarding these messages to the proper channels—namely the idiotic shithead a few lines down who had the gall to say that Infinity War is a far inferior film to the first Avengers movie. I have no ill will with you, stranger, and wish you a blessed day. Unless—you don’t agree with him, do you?” At press time, Hitchins had been temporarily banned from the local grocery store Instagram page where the incident occurred.
Unvaccinated United Flight Attendant Confident She Can Get Work On Medieval Plague Ship #~# BOSTON—Explaining  that she felt more firm standing by her principles given the healthy  job market, unvaccinated United Airlines flight attendant Erin Collins  told reporters Thursday that she was confident she could get work  drifting between European ports aboard a medieval plague ship. “Yeah, I  figure all I need to do is learn how to drain blood and work some animal  cures and I’ll be a shoo-in for a position on a quarantined merchant  ship overrun with the Black Death,” said Collins, stressing that her  easy-going personality and mastery of Italian and French meant she would  be “very simpatico” with the bird-mask wearing plague doctors, barbers,  and physicians as they fumigated bad air, balanced humours, and  administered poultices to the heaped bodies of the sickly and dying. “On  the other hand, I’ve also definitely got the experience to join a ship  of fools where the insane are pushed off from port to gibber endlessly  on the high seas. All I’m saying is there are options out there for  people like me who have serious concerns about vaccinations.” At press  time, the flight attendant was reportedly infuriated after hearing that  most 14th-century death ships required proof of leeching.
Man Asks If Clinic Has Any Visual Aids He Can Use To Produce Urine Sample #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Stating that he had been unable to find any in the restroom but thought they might have some on hand, local man Matt Weber reportedly asked Thursday if staff at the Louisville Medical Clinic could provide visual aids that would help him to produce a urine sample. “This is kind of embarrassing, but I was wondering if you had any magazines of rainstorms or waterfalls that I could use to get things flowing a bit,” said Weber, 34, confiding to clinic nurses that he sometimes grew shy when having to pee, and so it would be best if he could “grease the gears” by perusing a copy of National Geographic or Outside that had photo spreads of ocean waves, rushing rivers, or erupting geysers. “Some guys can just turn it on and off, but things work better for me if I can relax and get in the mood before I try to do it.  Even a catalogue of faucets would do the trick. If you don’t have anything, though, it’s honestly not a problem. I can always pull up some pictures of whirlpools on my phone.” At press time, sources confirmed that Weber, still unable to urinate, was cursing himself for having pissed in the shower right before he visited the clinic. 
Treasury Secretary Warns That U.S. Could Run Out Of Cash To Pay Bills In 3 Weeks #~# Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has warned lawmakers that the federal government could run short of cash to pay its bills by October 18th, after Republicans blocked a measure to increase or suspend the debt ceiling. What do you think?
Nation Doesn’t Understand How Someone As Cool As Kyrsten Sinema Could Fight For Corporate Interests #~# TUCSON, AZ—Stating it “just didn’t add up,” the U.S. populace told reporters Wednesday that they didn’t understand how someone as cool as Kyrsten Sinema could fight for corporate interests.  “She’s really someone who has it all—a winning personality, a killer sense of style—so I was really shocked when I found out about all the corporate donations she’s raking in,” said 34-year-old Anna Monto, a constituent of the senior senator from Arizona, who spoke on behalf of all 330 million Americans in expressing her confusion as to how someone who oozes as much charm and charisma as Sinema could turn out to be just another lapdog for big business. “If she wasn’t my senator, she would be my best friend. Anyone who’s ever seen her on TV or social media knows she’s a total bad ass. I mean, did you see those wigs? It just doesn’t make any sense. At least we still have Joe Manchin.” At press time, the nation had reached the conclusion that the pharmaceutical and medical industries must just also be really fucking cool. 
Man Who Just Watched Nature Documentary Going Way Overboard With Newfound Appreciation Of Ants #~# YONKERS, NY—Complaining that he would absolutely not shut up about the insects and their “incredible abilities,” sources told reporters Wednesday that local man Jeff Granger was going way overboard with his newfound appreciation of ants after watching a nature documentary. “Look, I get it, ants are cool, but if I hear one more goddamn time about how they can carry 50 times their weight or how they can form air-tight balls to float on top of water, I’m going to fucking lose it,” said Granger’s friend James Powell, adding that while the documentary seemed to have many illuminating facts about ants and the insect world, that was still no excuse for going absolutely apeshit over them. “Yes, they started farming 50 million years before humans. And yes, they have supercolonies that span the entire world. But so what? They’re still ants. At the end of the day, I don’t really want to see, think, or talk about ants, let alone learn about the intricate relationships between queens and their soldiers or workers.” At press time, Powell wondered why his friend couldn’t be normal and go off the rails after watching a documentary about QAnon or 9/11.
Study: Children Will Face 7 Times More Extreme Climate Events Than Grandparents #~# A new study suggests today’s children will experience extreme climate events at a rate that is two to seven times higher than people born in 1960, forecasting that heatwaves will be the most prevalent, occurring 36 times more over the lifetime of a child born in 2014. What do you think?
Scientists Unlock 47 New Editable Genes After Purchasing CRISPR Expansion Pack #~# BOSTON—Having exhausted the possibilities of the chromosome pairs that came preloaded on the original human genome, researchers at Harvard Medical School’s Department of Genetics told reporters Wednesday they had unlocked 47 new editable genes following their purchase of a CRISPR expansion pack. “This add-on has a ton of incredible new genes, and we can’t wait to start inserting them into our lab specimens,” said Kevin Spiros, a professor of genetics, remarking that there was nothing more fun than having “some fresh strands of recombinant DNA to play around with.” “The base CRISPR is great, but we were getting bored with inserting, deleting, or disrupting the same genes over and over again. The expansion pack really kicks it to a whole new level by letting you work with proteins like CDK7, PTK2B, HPSA9, and so many others. It’s totally worth every penny our corporate partners paid for it.” According to sources, the geneticists have been barred from sharing their findings with any researchers who haven’t also purchased the expansion pack.
Nurse Carefully Weighs Whether She Better Off Getting Vaccine Or Losing Job And Dying #~# UTICA, NY—Blasting state officials for putting her into such an “impossible position,” local nurse Sophia Wood confirmed Wednesday that she was carefully weighing whether she was better off getting the vaccine or losing her job and dying. “On the plus side, if get vaccinated, I could get to continue to live my life healthy and happy with no drawbacks, but is that really worth giving up the right to die while out of work?” said the healthcare worker, who had spent the past weeks agonizing over a long list of pros  and cons of getting vaccinated that she had written up for each side of the issue. “On one hand, I have way more items listed under the pros column, like ‘keep job,’ ‘protect others,’ and ‘protect myself,’ but on the other, I have ‘freedom’ written in big red letters, circled, and underlined multiple times. I’m pretty torn between the two. Who would issue such a cruel ultimatum?” At press time, Wood assured herself that regardless of the choice she ultimately made, she would wind up back in the hospital. 
‘God Has A Plan For Me,’ Says Man Who Was Drafted By The Orlando Magic #~# ORLANDO, FL—Praising the Lord for the divine guidance on his journey, former Gonzaga point guard Jalen Suggs, a man who was drafted by the Orlando Magic, told reporters Wednesday that God has a plan for him. “Everything that happened was meant to be, and I have faith that God in all his goodness is looking out for me,” said the man who will now have to spend the next several years of his life living in central Florida and playing for a franchise that squandered the prime of several generational superstars. “It’s been a tough year, but you have to keep believing and hold on to the knowledge that God is looking out for you. God is great [and spending my time on a middling team made up mostly of people who play the exact same position is proof], he loves me and wants the best for me.” At press time, God was mapping out a plan for Suggs to go down with an ACL tear in the second month of the season.
Signs It’s Time To Rehome Your Dog #~# It’s one of the toughest decisions as a pet owner you’ll ever have to make, but sometimes, it’s actually very easy. Here are some important signs that could mean it’s time to rehome your dog.
FBI Data Show Unprecedented Spike In Murders Nationwide In 2020 #~# The number of murders in the United States jumped by nearly 30% in 2020 compared to the previous year, in the largest single-year increase ever recorded in the country. What do you think?
How Facebook Will Try To Improve ‘Instagram Kids’ #~# Facebook announced that it will pause the development of its “Instagram Kids” project and reassess it following criticism from lawmakers and parents groups. The Onion provides an in-depth look at Facebook’s proposed changes to improve “Instagram Kids.”
MLB Experts Predictions For The 2021 Postseason #~# “Of course, the Dodgers have to be considered the favorites, but too many people are overlooking the Mets only because they suck hard and won’t make the playoffs.”
GOP Stalls Government Funding Bill By Detonating 50 Tons Of Explosives Inside Capitol Building #~# WASHINGTON—In a maneuver that experts suggest could represent a significant setback for the legislative ambitions of Democrats, the GOP reportedly stalled an upcoming government funding bill Tuesday by detonating fifty tons of C-4 explosives inside the Capitol building. “This was a make-or-break week for Democrats, and the complete destruction of both Congressional chambers alongside the death of several sitting progressives is just going to make passing the Biden agenda even harder,” said political expert Andrew Srinivasan, describing the decision by House minority leader Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) to plant and detonate 100,000 pounds of plastic explosives under the legislature as both a “cunning political move” and a major blow to the $3.5 trillion reconciliation bill. “It’s hard to imagine how President Biden will address climate change or Medicare expansion after a crucial vote like [Rep. Mike] Quigley was immolated in the resulting blast. Frankly, the coordination required to blow up the Rotunda alone shows how much better Republicans are at marching in lockstep and toeing party lines.” At press time, several pundits had praised the Republicans for their restraint in avoiding the nuclear option of obliterating Washington D.C. with a tactical warhead.
Cozy Reading Nook To Generate $23K In Chiropractor Bills Over Next 5 Years #~# SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Touted as an ideal spot to leaf through a book on a Sunday afternoon, a cozy reading nook in the home of area woman Emma Adamos is expected to generate $23,000 in chiropractor bills over the next five years, sources reported this week. “I swear, when I find a good mystery novel, I can just curl up on that comfy little window seat for hours on end,” Adamos said of the narrow cushioned bench that, according to projections, will also lead to tens of thousands of dollars in charges for MRIs, surgical consultations, physical therapy, acupuncture, muscle relaxants, osteopathic treatments, and other increasingly desperate attempts to manage her debilitating back and neck pain. “It gets great light, too, so it’s a nice place to do some journaling or a little sketching. Sometimes, on a lazy day, I’ll even doze off [and permanently wrench my spine into a shape that will cause me agony for the rest of my life] in that little spot.” Adamos added that the only thing she enjoyed more than her reading nook was relaxing next to the small backyard koi pond that reports confirm will one day be central to a $3 million liability lawsuit against her. 
Man Most Creative, Original Self At Make-Your-Own Sundae Station #~# PITTSBURGH, PA—Demonstrating a sweeping inventiveness that he could not match in any other activity,  local man Isaiah Moore was reportedly at his most creative, original self Tuesday while at the make-your-own sundae station. “I was debating between caramel and melted marshmallow when I was struck with the inspiration that I didn’t have to choose,” said Moore of what sources confirmed was the only expression of his true inner being and capacity for innovative thinking he had manifested in months. “First I got cherries, but then I drizzled some cherry juice on there as well. What can I say? I love cherry. Somehow my brain is able to just focus in and everything clicks into place when I see those rainbow sprinkles and crushed Oreos. But it wasn’t until I asked for the extra whipped cream that I realized what an amazing run of visionary self-expression I just had.” At press time, the humiliated man was struggling to think of a single way to begin to clean up the ice cream sundae he had just dropped on the sidewalk. 
‘Bon Appétit’ Publishes Blank Issue After Nothing Sounded Good #~# NEW YORK—Following a lethargic editorial meeting in which it was decided there was absolutely nothing to eat, popular food magazine Bon Appétit published a completely blank issue Tuesday, with staff confirming they had considered many different recipes, but none of them sounded very good right now. “We just couldn’t find anything we were in the mood for,” editor-in-chief Dawn Davis said in a press release accompanying the monthly periodical’s latest edition, which does not contain a single word or image in its 88 glossy pages. “We considered a feature on spicy braised eggplant noodles, but we just did that, like, two issues ago. Then we rejected a cover story on savory scones, because we didn’t feel like anything that heavy. Everyone has been feeling a little queasy ever since that August piece on tuna tartare nachos! We also thought about bone broth, but that’s such a hassle—we probably would have ended up snacking while waiting for it to finish, and then we wouldn’t have been hungry anymore. To be honest, we’re pretty much sick of everything.” A visit to Bon Appétit’s website confirmed it had been deleted entirely and replaced with a link to Grubhub.
What To Say To Someone Who Has Fallen For A Conspiracy Theory #~# Let them know that they’re not alone in their paranoid ignorance.
West Virginia Governor Withdraws Bid To Moonlight As Boys Basketball Coach #~# West Virginia governor Jim Justice has withdrawn his name for consideration to coach a high school boys basketball team after school officials voiced concerns over his commitment to the governorship, noting that he already coaches the girls basketball team. What do you think?
John Hinckley’s Unconditional Release Hailed For Ending Stigma Against Trying To Kill The President #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Hopeful that the ruling would set a new precedent for such cases, advocates hailed John Hinckley’s unconditional release Monday for ending the stigma against trying to kill the president. “Presidential assassins and would-be assassins have been treated as second-class citizens in this country for centuries,” said National Alliance on Mental Illness spokesperson Katherine Schee, who applauded the federal judge’s decision to grant the man who wounded Ronald Reagan his freedom as an incredible victory for aspiring president shooters everywhere. “It’s heartbreaking to think about all of the young men and women over the decades who probably ideated about killing sitting presidents like Gerald Ford or Bill Clinton, but felt too scared or embarrassed to even try. Just look at the reprehensible way people treated John Wilkes Booth.” At press time, Schee added that the next step forward was decriminalizing presidential assassination. 
Netflix Purchases Roald Dahl Rights For $686 Million #~# Netflix has paid $686 million for the rights to British author Roald Dahl’s entire catalogue, giving the platform the ability to develop such stories as Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Matilda, and James And The Giant Peach. What do you think?
IRS Reports Your Taxes Specifically Were Spent To Drone-Strike Kids #~# WASHINGTON—Pinpointing the exact allocation of your contributions, the Internal Revenue Service released a report Monday revealing that your taxes specifically were spent to drone-strike kids. “Our balance sheets indicate that the 22% federal income tax you paid last year was used on UAV attacks that killed multiple civilian children in Iraq, Syria, and Yemen,” said Dennis Cartwright, an accountant with the service, outlining how your withholdings directly funded the equipment and personnel involved in launching Hellfire missiles at innocent juveniles in war-torn regions of the Middle East. “While your neighbor’s taxes were used to supplement healthcare for low-income Americans, yours were used on extrajudicial killings that took place at weddings, schools, and hospitals. Had you not paid your taxes last year, these murders would never have occurred.” The IRS also confirmed that given the raise you just received, you will most likely be funding even more drone strikes.
Instagram Assures Parents They’ve Hired Dozens Of Pedophiles To Find Vulnerabilities In App #~# MENLO PARK—Assuring parents that the crew were working around the clock to protect their most vulnerable underage users, Instagram announced Monday that they had hired dozens of pedophiles to find weak spots in their app. “When it comes to our children’s safety, there’s no one I trust more to test our interface than our elite team of child molesters, pedophiles, and convicted sex offenders,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, adding that the newly contracted employees had been hard at work investigating the app’s inability to stop grown adults from creating burner accounts, DMing children, saving photos of children, and grooming children for extended periods of time. “While we understand parents’ concerns, these employees have decades of experience, and have already identified several previously unknown ways to inappropriately find, contact, and exploit minors. As a father myself, I already feel safer knowing that these pedophiles are on the case, and will not stop until they find every single way to destroy the lives of underage users.” At press time, Zuckerberg issued an apology after a pedophile was allegedly suspended for a political post that violated the company’s community guidelines. 
A Secret Only Gamers Know: This One Button Will Make Your Character Jump #~# There are many truths hidden away from the non-gaming masses: Cheat codes, tricks, and even easter eggs. But one piece of knowledge looms larger than all else. Well, gather ’round, gamers, for now we will share the one secret that only those of our ilk know: This button? This one here? It’s the one that will make your character jump.
Parents Disappointed Conformist Child Unquestioningly Following In Their Packers Fandom #~# KOHLER, WI—Upset that the child they raised couldn’t be bothered to weigh all his options, local parents Barbara and Aaron Higbee were disappointed Monday that their child, Aiden, has unquestioningly followed in their Packers’ fandom. “We always taught Aiden to think for himself, but I guess he just wants to follow trends,” said Higbee of his 5-year-old son, noting that the kindergartener wore the Aaron Rodgers jersey he bought him “no questions asked.” “This is what’s wrong with this generation—there’s no independent thinking. Now he’s saying Davante Adams is favorite player, but how many players has he even watched. He’s just blindly following what me and Barb are doing.” At press time, the Higbee family lamented that their child was dressing in nothing but the clothes they bought for him.
Most Frequently Googled Health Questions #~# There’s an actual 9-inch hole in your chest, but maybe you don’t have to bother with all that ER rigmarole if you’ve already got the cure in your spice rack.
Nation Doesn’t Have Anything Left To Enjoy Once Scented Candle Burns Out #~# SALEM, OR—Bemoaning their fates as the brief distraction came closer to its inevitable end, the U.S. populace announced Monday that they don’t have anything left to enjoy once a lavender-scented candle burns out. “Man, it was really nice when I first lit the candle—I liked the match part, especially—but now I’m realizing I’ll just be all alone again when the wick burns down,” said local man Ben Portman, 43, echoing the sentiment of 330 million Americans who dreaded the moment they would plunge back into their mundane lives without so much as the fleeting enjoyment of the candle’s flickering flame and pleasant scent. “After it goes out, I’ll be back in my room, and it’ll be dark. Then what am I supposed to do then? I guess I could go to sleep, but the sun hasn’t even gone down yet.” At press time, the dejected nation had decided to just get it over with and blow out the candle.
Alabama Saw More Deaths Than Births In 2020 #~# New reports show that Alabama had more deaths than births in 2020, with 64,714 residents dying and only 57,641 born, a first since the state started keeping records that officials attribute directly to the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?
Injured Jaguar Praying It’s Season Ending #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Clutching his thigh and screaming in pain in hopes of willing his hamstring into being torn, Jaguars corner Shaquill Griffin was praying Sunday that his injury would be season ending. “The doctor was smiling as they carted me off the field; I hope he was just doing that to make me feel better,” said Griffin, who claimed that going down after a brutal collision only to hear you could be back on the field by October was every Jaguar’s nightmare. “As soon as I went down, I could tell it was only going to be a month, six weeks if I can milk it. You come into the season with so much promise thinking you could be cut loose, but now I can only hope God looks over me and I end up on the IR.” At press time, Griffin was slamming the Jaguars medical staff for their incompetence after being told he could return next week.
New Zealand In Talks With Fast Food Restaurants To Offer Covid Vaccines To Customers #~# New Zealand officials are in talks with fast food brands like KFC and Taco Bell to offer customers Covid-19 vaccines while they wait in line for their meals in an effort to boost vaccination rates and avoid future lockdowns. What do you think?
Worst Opening Lines You Can Send On Dating Apps #~# It’s already creepy enough you’re looking for love on the internet. Don’t make it worse by opening a conversation with the following lines.
Iran Starts Stockpiling Strontium Just To Stress Out U.S. Intelligence #~# TEHRAN—Giggling to themselves as they transported large quantities of the alkaline-earth metal to a highly secure containment facility, top Iranian officials reportedly began stockpiling strontium Friday just to stress out the U.S. intelligence community. “Oh man, they’re gonna lose their shit when we take all the strontium we can find and start filling concrete silos with it and spinning it around in centrifuges,” said Hamid Yazdani, a research scientist with Iran’s Revolutionary Guard, adding that baffled members of the CIA and NSA would “freak the fuck out” when they saw caches of the naturally occurring element, which would be placed in a spot clearly visible to U.S. surveillance satellites. “We’re putting guards around it and everything. Then, just to sell it even more, we’re gonna photoshop some redacted documents about strontium refining and send a bunch of fake texts about how we’re smuggling it to Hezbollah. We didn’t know what else to do with all this strontium, so we figured, why not have some fun?” At press time, sources confirmed that U.S. officials, having determined that gathering large amounts of any element on the periodic table constituted suspicious behavior, had ordered a series of lethal drone strikes. 
EU Honors Angela Merkel’s Tenure By Giving Her Greece #~# BERLIN—In a ceremony to commemorate her stepping down from her post as chancellor of Germany after 16 years, European Union officials honored Angela Merkel’s tenure Friday by giving her Greece. “We hope that the chancellor will accept the nation of Greece as a small parting gift to show our appreciation for her many years of service,” said European Commission president Ursula von der Leyen, adding that after so many years of special attention she’d shown for the Mediterranean nation, it was only right that Greece would now be hers to do whatever she wanted with. “Chancellor Merkel has helped steer the countries of the European Union through many crises during her long tenure and established herself as one of the most influential leaders of our time, and she always made sure to include Greece in her plans. From the astounding history of Athens to the hundreds of islands to years of forced austerity measures, Greece has so much to offer a retired political leader of Ms. Merkel’s stature and tastes. A country of 11 million people is of course insufficient to convey the appreciation we all have for the chancellor, but it’s our way of thanking her for everything she’s done. With this gift, we’re able to ensure that Chancellor Merkel can continue to shape Greece in her image for many years to come.” At press time, Merkel was overheard commenting to her husband that it was just like the EU to try to stick her with some cheap, ugly old thing that no one in their right mind could want. 
Study Finds Murders Rose By Slower Rate In 2021 Thanks To The Brilliant Work Of Inspector Marcele Lachance #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming that a historic spike in violent crime was beginning to subside, a study from Georgetown University released Friday found that murders rose at a slower rate in 2021 thanks in large part to the brilliant work of Inspector Marcele Lachance. “Our analytics show a 15% drop in the rate of homicides as compared to this time last year which can be almost entirely attributed to the flamboyant Québécois detective whose recovery of a priceless necklace in the Harrington Matter of ’09 earned him the honorific ‘The Sleuth of Saguenay’ and gained him audiences with dignitaries from the Queen of England to His Holiness the Pope,” said lead author Philip Hines, noting that their data indicate the mere news that the gumshoe who had sent the notorious Eighth Street Bomber to prison was on the case had led to an immediate decrease in armed robberies and arsons. “We can see the violent crime rate plateau beginning in early March, when the Chief of Police visited Lechance at the turkey farm on his small country estate and convinced him to come out of retirement. Since then, the rate has steadily gone down, to the point where now homicides on transatlantic rail voyages, ocean liners, and island mansions have dropped to virtually zero, and we expect it to reduce even further once the criminal underworld fully realizes that Lachance’s rumpled jacket, trimmed mustache, and propensity to mumble to himself in French, as well as his weakness for high-quality pipe tobacco and Scottish whiskey, belies the most dogged and unerring crime-solving genius of our time.” Hines added that their research also indicated the rate of nonviolent offenses such as burglary and counterfeiting had continued to fall over the past three years due to the photographic memories and quick wits of the Jenkins twins and their lovable mutt Scamp.
Online Weed Delivery Service Turning Off Potential Customers With How Into Weed They Are #~# SAN DIEGO—Due to its aggressive messaging surrounding cannabis, online weed delivery service GreenDream was reportedly turning off potential customers Friday with how into weed they are. “I was thinking about getting some marijuana delivered, but after a few minutes browsing such an vociferously pro-pot site, I’m kind of over the whole thing,” said potential consumer Julie Farr, noting that the site’s green lettering, header containing a giant marijuana leaf, close-up images of buds, and copy describing “blasting off” and “traveling without moving” had made her second guess her purchase. “I just like smoking from time to time, I’m not trying to make it a major facet of my personality or anything, but the implication is that people who use this website are constantly stoned.” At press time, Farr had decided to try cocaine, noting its users seemed a little more chill about the whole thing.
Study Suggests Snakes Thrived Following Asteroid Impact That Killed Dinosaurs #~# A new study suggests that snakes survived the asteroid that wiped out 76% of lifeforms on Earth 66 million years ago by being able to hide underground and go long periods without food, allowing them to spread into new habitats across the globe without competition. What do you think?
God Considering Moving Dinosaurs To Separate Area Of Heaven #~# THE HEAVENS—Concerned that the prehistoric reptiles’ behavior had gotten out of hand, God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Friday that He was considering moving dinosaurs to a separate part of His Kingdom. “It was fine 200 million years ago when there were only a few of them here and there, but now there are dinosaurs everywhere you look, and they’ve developed a bad habit of grabbing angels by the wings and thrashing them to pieces to feed to their young,” said The Creator of All Things, adding that on most days you could hardly hear the bells of St. Peter over all the roaring and  agonized pleas for mercy. “In truth, it’s not really fair to the dinosaurs either—they deserve their own unpopulated section of Heaven to freely roam around in. Otherwise, they’ll just keep trampling our gardens, terrifying the souls of the blessed, and leaving desiccated cherub carcasses lying around everywhere. And nobody wants that.” God went on to say that if He couldn’t find a place for dinosaurs in Heaven, He hadn’t ruled out the possibility of relocating them back to Earth.
Timeline Of U.S.–France Relations #~# France recently recalled its ambassador to the United States over the cancellation of a submarine deal by the Australian government, the latest controversy in what has been a sometimes fraught relationship between two old allies. The Onion looks at key events in the timeline of U.S.–France relations.
Kamala Harris Deeply Troubled By Images Of Haitian Migrants At Border Whom She Distinctly Remembers Telling Not To Come Here #~# WASHINGTON—Monitoring the tense situation at a migrant camp in Del Rio, TX, Vice President Kamala Harris told reporters Thursday she was deeply troubled by images of U.S. crackdowns on thousands of Haitian asylum seekers whom she distinctly remembers telling not to come here. “What is happening at the border is shocking, to say the least, as it’s only been a few months since I told all these people, to their faces, that they were not welcome in the United States,” said Harris, who lamented a “broken system” in which refugees and other migrants just straight up ignored the things she said. “It is absolutely heartbreaking to give a speech in which I explicitly directed migrants not to approach the U.S.–Mexico border and then have them show up anyway, expecting to be let in. To see these desperate families with no better option available to them fail to take my message to heart—it shakes me to my core. It’s like they didn’t even hear me.” At press time, Harris announced she would be making an emergency trip to the border to meet with Haitian migrants and address their need to hear her say “I told you so.”
Taliban Asks To Speak At UN General Assembly #~# The Taliban has requested to address the annual United Nations General Assembly’s meeting of world leaders, raising questions over who should represent Afghanistan in the organization with many Taliban interim ministers still on the UN’s blacklist of terrorists. What do you think?
Moscow Debuts New Citywide Bike Sharing Program For Circus Bears #~# MOSCOW—Calling it an exciting new transportation option for ursine performers on the go, authorities in Russia’s capital debuted its long-awaited BearShare bike sharing program exclusively for Asiatic circus bears, sources confirmed Thursday. “Whether they reside here, their troupe is just passing through, or they’ve fled a far-flung village to escape a cruel taskmaster, BearShare is an easy and cost-effective way for bears to get around Moscow,” said director Andrei Mironov, noting that the program’s 200 rental kiosks were built to withstand Moscow’s harsh winters as well as maulings and bite forces of up to 650 psi. “The bikes themselves are specially engineered to maximize comfort and efficiency, ensuring a smooth ride for every type of bear from the daily commuter to those who just want to peddle around in small circles. ” Mironov added that while a bike lock is included in the price, riders are expected to provide their own hats and tutus.
Man Growing Terrified Something Happened To Dad After Not Receiving ‘Only Murders In The Building’ Recommendation #~# MILWAUKEE—Trying not to picture his father hurt or incapacitated, local man Eamon Pike was reportedly growing terrified Thursday that something had happened to his dad after still not receiving a recommendation for the new Hulu series Only Murders In The Building. “For the first couple weeks I figured he just hadn’t started watching or couldn’t figure out how to get into his account, but now that the season is half over and he still hasn’t contacted me at all to tell me that Steve Martin and Martin Short’s chemistry is as terrific as ever, I really need to check on him,” said Pike, adding that he could only imagine his father bleeding out in a ditch somewhere, unable to communicate that he hadn’t laughed as much since Short and Martin’s Netflix special An Evening You Will Forget For The Rest Of Your Life. “Maybe Dad’s been robbed, or he’s in an ICU, or he’s hit senility to the point that he can no longer even follow a serialized plot. I don’t know, but I’m struggling to find an innocuous explanation for why he hasn’t at least texted me that the show is a fun caper that expertly combines zingers with a lot of heart.” At press time, Pike was speeding to his childhood home after a new trailer for Ghostbusters: Afterlife premiered without eliciting a word from his father. 
Deal Alert: The Thumb Drive We Implanted Behind Your Left Eyeball Contains A ‘Psychonauts 2’ Download Code #~# Double  Fine’s latest release is a top contender for game of the year, and  if you haven’t gotten your hands on a copy yet, you now have one less  excuse! That’s right, gamers, the thumb drive we implanted behind your  left eyeball contains a code for a free download of Psychonauts 2!
Questions To Ask Yourself Before Quitting Your Job #~# Don’t just storm out of the office, spewing profanities at your boss. Always ask yourself the following questions before quitting your job.
Italian Prisoner Shoots At Rivals With Gun Smuggled In By Drone #~# An Italian prisoner with links to the Neapolitan mafia shot at fellow inmates through the bars of their cell with a gun believed to have been smuggled into the prison by a drone, raising more concerns over the poor management of Italy’s cramped prisons. What do you think?
Experts Confirm Functional Democracy Generally Requires At Least One Party To Care About Voting Rights #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that an ounce of concern for the enfranchisement of citizens was crucial to the system of government, a consortium of political theorists confirmed Wednesday that a functional democracy generally requires at least one party to care about voting rights. “If you start from the premise that a government’s power is derived from the consent of the governed, and that the conferring of such power is contingent upon our freedom to cast a ballot, then there must be—at minimum—one major party that gives a shit about letting people vote,” said Georgetown University political scientist Lawrence Rupar, who added that studies of democracies throughout history had found that 100% failed when none of the people in power “so much as lifted a fucking finger” to ensure all eligible voters could participate in elections. “Now, in an ideal system, one in which democracy truly flourishes, you would need all of the parties to rally around the cause of voting rights. But if none of them do? Well, then it doesn’t work at all.” Reached for further comment, the team of experts confirmed the United States was not a functional democracy.
Boris Johnson Admits To Having 6 Children #~# Boris Johnson has finally admitted in an interview to having six children, a question previously dodged by the British prime minister, with an English court banning news organizations from reporting on a daughter from an extramarital affair. What do you think?
Unvaccinated Mom Wants To Know If You’re Coming Home For Covid This Year #~# ST. LOUIS—Saying she can’t remember the last time you visited during a lethal surge of the highly contagious virus, local unvaccinated mom Carol Napier asked Wednesday if you were planning to come home for Covid this year. “It would just be nice to have the whole family here so we could be together for a debilitating respiratory illness,” said Napier, who has reportedly ignored her doctor’s urgent recommendations to take the vaccine and wear a mask, adding that she would love it if you made it home for a good long bout of the disease currently killing 2,000 Americans per day. “I know you’re busy, but if you and your siblings could make the trip and be a part of the deadly pandemic ravaging all 50 states, that would be wonderful. After all, Grandma’s going to be here, and contracting this disease together could be the last time we get to see her.” Napier added that it was up to you, of course, but to let her know what you decided so she could make sure there were enough ICU beds for everyone.
FBI Offering $100,000 To Anyone Who Can Tell Them Where All The Love Went #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they would respond immediately to any actionable intelligence, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Wednesday that they would offer $100,000 to anyone who could tell them where all the love went. “We are calling on  Americans to come forward with any leads pertaining to where that special little thing called love went and if it will ever return to our hearts,” said agency director Christopher Wray, explaining that any information related to the last known whereabouts of true human connection, warmth, and kindness could prove invaluable to their investigation. “It’s important to stress that as recently as yesterday love seemed to be all around us. Now, however, it seems to have vanished without a trace. We can only pray that a spark of human tenderness is still alive out there. If so, this nation can rest assured that we will be dogged in our pursuit of bringing back that loving feeling.” At press time, the FBI was under fire for violating thousands of civil liberties in their dragnet search for love.
Things Your Therapist Is Legally Obligated To Report To The Police #~# You may think you and your therapist have a confidentiality agreement, but the truth is, most medical professionals are known snitches. Should you tell them, your therapist is legally obligated to report the following things.
Study Finds 99% Won’t Repost This, But If You Cared Enough To Read To The End, Please Share #~# CHICAGO—Urging readers to spread the message to friends and loved ones, a new study released Wednesday from the Zwiebel Center for Media Studies stressed that 99% won’t repost this article, but if you cared enough to read to the end, please share. “Incredibly, the vast majority of social media users will simply scroll past this headline without giving a second thought to the article itself, but for those small fraction who have gotten this far, we urge you to email its profound message to your coworkers and family members,” said study author Dr. Jerome Zhang, adding that those who have enough love in their hearts to continue reading should share the story’s link on Twitter or Facebook and emphasize to their followers the importance of reading it through to the very end. “We’re begging you to avoid the temptation to click away. Let me assure you that the second half of this article will shock you and those who read it to the last sentence will be left in tears. That’s why it’s absolutely vital that you forward this to every person in your contacts who you believe can understand its true significance. It’s the single best way to guarantee that its crucial message is heard.” At press time, the study added that only deeply generous individuals—those remarkable few like yourself—would even make it to this story’s final word.
How Law Enforcement Manhunts Work #~# A high-profile case involving the disappearance of travel influencer Gabby Petito and the subsequent disappearance of her fiancé, Brian Laundrie, has resulted in a federal manhunt. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide into how law enforcement manhunts work.
Samuel Adams Launching New Beer Illegal In 15 States #~# Samuel Adams is launching a new, limited-edition beer that will be illegal in 15 states due to its high alcohol by volume of 28%, more than five times the potency of typical US brews. What do you think?
Hospital ICUs At Capacity With Reporters Covering Anti-Vaxxers Dying From Covid #~# ATLANTA—Overwhelmed and running low on resources, hospital administrators confirmed Tuesday that intensive care units across the country were filled to capacity with journalists and broadcasters who were busy reporting on the many anti-vaxxers dying from Covid-19. “At the moment, our critical care facilities are packed wall-to-wall with people from CNN, MSNBC, The Washington Post, and other media outlets, all of them desperate to capture the last moments of people who refused the vaccine and are now paying the ultimate price for that decision,” Piedmont Atlanta Hospital spokesperson Christine Hoffman said of the reporters, who held microphones and repeatedly observed that the deaths of the anti-vaxxers were highly ironic, because, in the end, despite all their claims that the virus was no big deal and vaccination was unnecessary, Covid had killed them. “We have resorted to using overflow spaces such as hallways and supply closets to accommodate the growing number of producers, photographers, camera crews, gravely ill patients, and TV personalities. The influx of unvaccinated Covid sufferers has also left us short-staffed, because our doctors and nurses now have their hands full providing reporters with quotes for their stories. Sadly, many of these reporters wouldn’t even be here if the patients they were covering had heeded their advice to get the shot.” According to sources, many hospitals have been forced to send away journalists who return for care after contracting breakthrough Covid during one of their many reporting trips. 
Millionaire Robert Durst Found Guilty Of First-Degree Murder #~# New York millionaire Robert Durst has been convicted of murdering his best friend 20 years ago after making damaging admissions in an HBO documentary that connected him to the slaying linked to his wife’s 1982 disappearance. What do you think?
Celebrity Sighting! The Raccoon Sly Cooper Was Based On Just Made A Public Appearance For The First Time In Years To Bite A Child #~# Now  this is the sort of thing you don’t see everyday! The iconic raccoon  that inspired stealth gaming antihero Sly Cooper just made a public  appearance for the first time in years to lunge out and bite a child.
Athletes Share The Worst Questions They've Been Asked By The Media #~# “‘Which knee is the bad one?’ I’ve been asked this a million times and the answer is always the same: I don’t know.”
Signs Your Landlord Is Definitely Taking Advantage Of You #~# Having a landlord is one of the top signs that your landlord is taking advantage of you.
Study: Marijuana Ranks Among Best Treatment For Persistent Existence #~# NEW YORK—Noting the numerous therapeutic benefits of cannabis, a new study published Tuesday by researchers at Mount Sinai Hospital found that marijuana ranks among the foremost treatments for persistent existence. “Many of our patients who incorporated marijuana into their daily routine experienced tremendous relief from years or even decades of chronic existence,” said lead researcher Dr. Samantha Park, adding that marijuana consumed as an edible or smoked in flower form had reduced the strain associated with long-term existing across all demographics of participants. “Without marijuana, the continual burdens of everyday being can often be unbearable. In fact, many wondered if chronic existence could even be treated. Thankfully, we’re finding that cannabis can actually provide temporary relief far surpassing even our best earlier cures such as suicide or cocaine.” The report added that marijuana also appeared to treat related conditions such as clinical consciousness and acute reality.
Hundreds Of Migrating Songbirds Crash Into NYC Skyscrapers #~# New York City Audubon volunteers found the carcasses of nearly 300 birds that crashed into glass towers across the city last week in a mass casualty event. What do you think?
Study Finds First 72 Hours Crucial To Determining Whether Missing Person Case Goes Viral #~# NEWARK, NJ—According to a new study released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University, the first 72 hours after a person is reported missing are crucial in determining whether or not their case will go viral. “Our study found that if a missing person case fails to garner media attention in the first three days of investigation, there is little chance their story will ever get covered,” said researcher David Stuart, who explained that a statistical analysis of the key data sets revealed that 80% of high-profile missing-person cases made national news headlines within the first 24 hours. “If a CNN anchor still hasn’t spoken their name after those first 72 hours, it becomes less and less likely every day that their disappearance will become sustained in the cultural narrative. The odds of getting competing Hulu and HBO Max docuseries made about their case will only grow slimmer. It’s only very rarely that we see a missing person trending on Twitter after that period.” At press time, Stuart added that this limited window was why there was nothing more important than exploiting their disappearance as TikTok content as soon as possible.
Report: All The People, Living Their Lives, Where Are They Going #~# CHICAGO—All the people out there, living their lives, cut adrift amidst a sea of faces in which they cross paths but never quite connect, where are they going, a new report inquired Monday. “So many people, moving here and moving there, going about their days, eyes downcast as they make their way…where, exactly?” the report read in part, observing how, over the course of their lives, every person on the sidewalk and on the road had lived through a distinct sequence of events that placed them upon a path, and every one of those paths had arrived here, now, at this very moment. “Though brought together, all these people—each from a different point of origin, each the resident of a conscious mind unknowable to the others, each possessed of high hopes, modest hopes, or no hope at all—remain isolated. Surrounded by multitudes and separated by no more than a few feet of pavement and the fragile barriers of a human body, they are ultimately, and always, alone. These are the impossibilities of closeness and of knowing, of life and of death.” The report went on to conclude that all the people, the ones right before our eyes and yet worlds apart from us, were probably just headed to work.  
Capitalist Heroes! This Vape Company has Found a Way to Monetize Sadness #~# There’s no doubt about it, sadness is very hot right now. Depression, anxiety, anger, social media outrage, political unrest – people across the country are absolutely swimming in negative emotions. And one innovative marketing team has developed a way to monetize it.
British Courts Seal Prince Philip’s Will For 90 Years #~# The British High Court has ruled that the will of Prince Philip will be sealed from the public for at least 90 years to protect the dignity of the Sovereign, keeping with a convention dating back to 1910. What do you think?
Beneath Veneer Of Perfect Suburban Life Lies Pleasant Family With Several Fun Lawn Games #~# SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Unseen to all but the most trained observer, the veneer of the Johnsons’ perfect suburban life was reportedly just a facade concealing a pleasant family with several fun lawn games. According to sources, the Johnsons’ white picket fence, trimmed hedges, and pristine garage containing two shiny cars belied what was secretly a pretty easy-going family unit who enjoyed playing corn hole, bocce ball, and croquet. Sources told reporters that you’d never think it from the way they smiled and waved when you passed them on the street, but the very same family that gathered with the community for their children’s Little League games and ballet recitals was, unbeknownst to their neighbors, already thinking of purchasing a ladder toss set and maybe oversized Jenga blocks for the next time the cousins visit. Sources added that it was only a matter of time until the Johnsons’ long-hidden proclivity for enjoying lawn darts along with some iced tea and finger sandwiches burst out into the daylight for the whole town to gawk at. 
Relieved Ecologists Announce Rising Sea Levels Were Due To Clump Of Hair Clogging Drain At Bottom of Ocean #~# HAGATNA, GUAM—Expressing relief that the effects of the climate crisis were perhaps not as dire as previously thought, the world’s leading marine ecologists announced Monday that rising sea levels over the past century were mostly caused by a clump of hair clogging the drain at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. “We have long attributed the rise to an increased reliance on fossil fuels and a subsequent melting of glaciers, but come to find out, it was just this big wad of hair gunk backing everything up,” said Helen Lopez of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, who added that once the stubborn ball of hair, dead skin cells, soap scum, bath oils, and hard-water deposits was cleared, the planet’s oceans should drop 8 to 9 inches, returning to levels not seen since 1880. “Fortunately, one of our divers conducting research on the seafloor used their foot to poke around near the drain and see what the problem was. This should be a huge weight off humanity’s shoulders, as it will no doubt offset some of the more catastrophic outcomes of climate change, but, man, that’s gonna be a real mother to pull out. It’s pretty nasty stuff.” At press time, the NOAA was reportedly soliciting bids from plumbers for a $6.5 billion government contract to rod the Mariana Trench. 
So-Called Diehard Fan Won’t Even Leap Over Stadium Railing To Catch T-Shirt #~# TORONTO—Casting doubt on the 35-year-old’s commitment to the franchise, so-called diehard Blue Jays fan Eric Tremblay wouldn’t even leap over a stadium railing to catch a T-shirt Sunday during the team’s series finale against the Twins. “Eric talks a big game about how this team is his life, but he wouldn’t even throw himself off the mezzanine when the time came,” said fellow Blue Jays fan James Witt, expressing sadness that his friend had let down Ace and ruined his only chance to own an extra-large “OK Blue Jays” T-shirt. “He’s been talking about going in on season tickets, but now I’m not so sure. He had a chance to prove his loyalty by catching that shirt, and he just meekly extended his hand out. So much for ‘bleeding blue,’ right?” At press time, Blue Jays fans loudly booed Tremblay after he refused to dive into the bullpen to chase a foul ball. 
Signs Your Partner Is Not Sexually Satisfied #~# You might want to erase your browser history, because nothing is a bigger turn-off than reading a list like this. Here are some obvious signs your partner isn’t sexually satisfied.
Archaeologists Discover Neolithic People Took Couple Weekend Trips To Get Feel For North America Before Deciding To Migrate Across Land Bridge #~# VANCOUVER—Archaeologists from the University of British Columbia have announced new findings Monday revealing that Neolithic people took a couple of weekend trips to North America in order to get a feel for the new continent before committing to a migration across the Bering Strait land bridge. “Analysis of artifacts left behind during travel indicate that Stone Age humans embarked on exploratory weekend excursions to the North American landmass to see if it was the right fit before they left Asia to lay down roots,” said project lead Dr. Diana Harmon, explaining that the rambling one-to-three-day outings helped reassure early humans that North America was somewhere they could envision themselves settling down to hunt, gather, and raise a family before relocating their hide-and-sinew tents. “Prehistoric humans appear to have fallen in love with the untamed wilderness of the interior plains and coastal regions during these short jaunts, which they spent foraging for berries, tracking small game, and just taking some time to walk around and check out the scenery. This seems to have allowed them to get a feel for the place, after which they evidently thought of the region as more than simply a vacation destination, but rather a place that could be a permanent home and worth making the harsh Arctic exodus.” Dr. Harmon added that while early Neolithic people ended up migrating across the land bridge, there is evidence they were open to the possibility of returning to Asia at any time if the Americas didn’t live up to their summer vacation memories.
Capitalist Heroes! This Vape Company has Found a Way to Monetize Sadness #~# There’s no doubt about it, sadness is very hot right now. Depression, anxiety, anger, social media outrage, political unrest – people across the country are absolutely swimming in negative emotions. And one innovative marketing team has developed a way to monetize it.
Scientists Identify Key Conditions To Set Up Creative ‘Hot Streak’ #~# Researchers used AI to study the career data of famous artists and found that a creative “hot streak” or artistic breakthrough is commonly the direct result of an experimental phase followed by a focus on one approach. What do you think?
One Out Of Every 500 Americans Have Died From Covid Since Beginning Of Pandemic #~# According to Johns Hopkins University data, about out of every 500 Americans have died from coronavirus since the nation’s first reported infection last year, with a current seven-day average of about 152,200 new Covid cases per day. What do you think?
Lack Of Concrete Dinner Plans Leaves Power Vacuum Filled By Radical Pro-Tapas Fanatics #~# PRINCETON, NJ—With the entire evening now threatened by extremists, a lack of concrete dinner plans Friday left a power vacuum reportedly filled by radical pro-Tapas fanatics. “Without strong leadership deciding where to eat, those individuals pushing a rabid small plates agenda have taken on a troubling amount of sway,” said analyst Kirk Parry, confirming that the chaos began when the group discovered that the pizzeria they’d planned to attend was closed, leading to a troubling rise in the influence of those pushing to try a new Mediterranean place. “I’m afraid this is only the beginning, as now that these zealots have gotten a foothold, they’re likely to push even further, demanding bacon-wrapped figs and olive plates for everyone to share, completely reshaping the dinner plans with their twisted ideology.” Parry added that this massive shift in the power structure could lead to a counter-reactionary movement where everyone just ended up going to Burger King. 
Study Finds Virus Frequently Fooled By Fake Vaccine Card #~# BALTIMORE—A new study released Friday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University revealed that the novel coronavirus Covid-19 was frequently fooled by fake vaccine cards. “We found that when presented with a counterfeit vaccination card, Covid-19 was unable to distinguish it from the real thing approximately 7 out of 10 times,” said researcher Sharon Hirschinger, who noted that the study provided “strong and promising evidence” that the falsified records could provide significant protection against the novel coronavirus when presented by unvaccinated individuals gathering at restaurants, concerts, nightclubs. “It’s easily deceived. Just flash your card and the virus won’t know the difference. In terms of reducing the risk of contracting Covid-19 and experiencing its most severe symptoms, including hospitalization and even death, this study confirms that fake vaccination cards are practically the next best thing to getting vaccinated.” At press time, the FDA had granted fake vaccine cards emergency use authorization in the fight against Covid-19.
Study: 86% Of Families Hoarse From Screaming By Time They Arrive At Outlet Mall #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—Concluding that it didn’t matter whether the car ride was five minutes down the block or 30 minutes down the highway, a new study published Thursday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association found that 86% of families were hoarse from screaming by the time they arrived at the outlet mall. “Our analysis of hundreds of families from across the United States indicates that the vast majority began bickering the second they piled into the car, soon increasing the intensity of their voices until they were shouting over one another at volumes exceeding 90 decibels,” said laryngologist and lead author Andrew Weiss, whose research team measured temporary vocal cord damage in subjects who had shouted phrases such as, “What the hell is wrong with you?” or, “I hate this fucking family,” before they even entered the Cheesecake Factory parking lot. “While some subjects were quiet at first, 95% of those participants nonetheless developed raspy voices after someone missed a turn, put on the wrong music, or pushed an emotional button, immediately triggering a blowout fight. Overall, three in five family members had lost their voices completely by the time they reached American Eagle Outfitters or the Under Armour store, leaving them unable to do anything but give each other the finger.” Weiss added that nearly all of the families then proceeded to silently fume while walking around the outlet shops, buying a single pair of discounted shorts, and then driving home. 
New Madden ‘Owner Mode’ Allows Players To Customize Concussion Study Findings #~# REDWOOD CITY, CA—Touting it as the most realistic update to their long running “Franchise Mode,” EA Sports revealed Friday that the new “Owner Mode” options in Madden 22 allow players to customize the findings of their own concussion studies. “Not only do you have to manage the salary cap and have relationships with players to manage their ego, but you can also devise entire concussions reports to allow your players back on the field when they should be recovering,” said producer Seann Graddy, who noted the players have hundreds of options to increase the ambiguity, delay release, and even bribe doctors to craft their perfect concussion study. “We want to capture the full experience of being an owner in the NFL, that means getting as in depth as setting concession prices like hot dogs, or killing a news story on a star player’s concussion by threatening to completely cut off a paper’s access to the team. And there is real strategy involved, if it’s too obvious you risk getting negative press coverage that could impact your sponsorship deals for the next season.” At press time, the NFL had revoked all rights to its league from EA for violating their concussion confidentiality agreement and awarded the license to 2K Games.
Something To Consider, ‘Earthbound’ Fans: It Appears Peaceful Means Of Bringing About An ‘Earthbound’ Rerelease Have Failed You Yet Again #~# Well, well, well, JRPG fans. Look where we find ourselves yet again. For years, you’ve tried to get Nintendo to re-release Earthbound, and, once more, they’ve callously spurned your pleas without a second thought. Time and  again, your peaceful means of bringing about an updated version of the 1995 cult classic have failed. Perhaps it’s time to start thinking about…other strategies.
Common Types Of Dreams And What They Actually Mean #~# Dreams you are falling are very common and mean that even in your sleep, where there are no limits to the imagination, you are an unoriginal hack.
The Onion’s Guide To CRISPR #~# Gene-editing technology CRISPR was in the spotlight this week after a biotech startup unveiled a mission to use it to resurrect wooly mammoths by 2027. The Onion provides a helpful guide to common questions about CRISPR.
Taco Bell Testing Monthly Subscription Service #~# Taco Bell is testing a 30-day subscription service in which subscribers pay $5 to $10 a month for a Taco Lovers Pass that allows them one taco a day. What do you think?
California Governor Gavin Newsom Survives Recall Vote #~# California governor Gavin Newsom has defeated a Republican effort to remove him from office in a recall election, with incomplete returns already showing ‘no’ votes ahead by a margin of 30 points. What do you think?
Fourth-Grader’s Report On Anacondas Largely Rehashes Established Research #~# MARANA, AZ—Calling it a clear recapitulation of what other scientific authors had published years or even decades ago, sources confirmed Thursday that local fourth-grader Liam Nicholson’s report on anacondas largely rehashed established research. “While there are some real nuggets of true brilliance, and the illustrations are beautifully done, Liam’s report unfortunately fails to shed new light on the reptile,” said sources, who cast doubts on whether the five-paragraph report on the South American snake species even contained original research. “The scope is there—Liam details the anaconda’s diet, habitat, physiology and extensively—but the aim falls short. Ultimately, the report does little to advance the field of herpetology. At best, it’s a synthesis of pre-existing papers.” At press time, sources contrasted Nicholson’s report with a classmate’s groundbreaking work that found the Bengal tiger possessed the strength to tear a bus in two.
Taliban Overtakes Lower Manhattan Days After Biden Administration Leaves NYC 9/11 Commemoration #~# NEW YORK—With the region descending into chaos much sooner than intelligence experts expected, the Taliban overtook Lower Manhattan  Thursday, less than a week after the Biden administration left a memorial event at the site where the World Trade Center towers once stood. “It now appears evident that when President Biden directed members of his staff to depart New York following the 9/11 commemoration ceremony, it left a power vacuum below Fulton Street that the Taliban quickly exploited,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who explained that the scenes of desperate bankers, shopkeepers, and tourists attempting to cling to Marine One as it lifted off from the Downtown Manhattan Heliport were heartbreaking but unavoidable. “We assumed the NYPD would hold their ground, but they surrendered their weapons and retreated almost immediately as Taliban forces moved in and set up a de facto government in One World Trade Center. At this point, it’s only a matter of time before all five boroughs fall.” At press time, the Taliban’s strength was greatly boosted by the estimated $1.4 trillion in real estate holdings left behind by U.S. officials during the city’s botched evacuation.
Tucker Carlson Announces He Putting Life On Line By Getting Booster Shot For Investigation Into Covid Vaccine #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to dare pry where the mainstream media would not, Tucker Carlson announced Thursday that he would be putting his life on the line by getting a booster shot for a Fox News investigation into the Covid-19 vaccine. “God only knows what will happen to me when I take this shot, which is why I’ve selflessly volunteered to become one of the first to receive it,” said Carlson, who informed Tucker Carlson Tonight viewers that they would be the first to know if he were injured or even killed in his attempt to secure his third dose of the Pfizer vaccine, gravely explaining that he was conducting tireless research into booking a booster shot appointment for as soon as possible before he lost his nerve. “Remember, if you hear about a clinic or pharmacy offering Covid-19 booster shots, do not take it; instead, call the show, and I’ll be there to ask the tough questions like, ‘Am I eligible?’ and ‘May I have it?’” At press time, Carlson was calling for an investigation into the nurse at his physician’s office who told him he still needed to wait a few more weeks for the CDC’s clearance just like everybody else.
Post-Credits Scene Hints That Fans Can Probably Skip Rest Of Marvel Movies #~# LOS ANGELES—Treating viewers to a taste of the franchise’s upcoming plans, Shang-Chi And The Legend Of The 10 Rings reportedly concluded with a post-credits scene that hinted fans could probably skip the rest of the Marvel movies. “Stick around after the credits because Marvel is teasing that they’re basically out of ideas at this point and you can move onto something else,” said film critic Ned Whitly, telling reporters that the short sequence hidden at the end of the film confirmed a long-held fan theory that the entire cinematic universe was running out of steam and had little else left to say. “Ever since Avengers: Endgame, Kevin Feige and the rest of the Marvel brain trust have been discreetly moving in this direction, and now, after watching this scene, it’s pretty clear that we can expect a rehashing of the same character tropes and themes that will serve as an unsatisfying echo of the previous films.” Whitly added that the scene dovetailed perfectly with a new Marvel teaser suggesting that Disney will just buy up more and more intellectual property until you have no choice but to keep watching.
Geneticists Develop Hybrid Creature From Whatever Scraps Of DNA Lying Around Lab #~# DURHAM, NC—Throwing together a bunch of unused polynucleotides that would otherwise have gone to waste, a team of geneticists and biomedical engineers at Duke University told reporters Thursday they had developed a new hybrid creature from various scraps of DNA they had lying around their lab. “Over the course of our CRISPR studies, we’ve accumulated a lot of surplus gene fragments, so we figured, why not just mix everything up and see what happens?” said lab chief Andrew Brown as he used a scalpel to scrape some stray fruit fly DNA from a beaker, explaining that genetic material for the new organism had been salvaged from used test tubes, old refrigeration units, and at least a dozen biohazard containers. “In a way, it’s the ultimate test of your genetic engineering skills—taking whatever nucleic acids you happen to have on hand and seeing what you can whip up. It’s also fun. We had all this extra mouse, sheep, moth, hermit crab, carpenter ant, and chimpanzee DNA, all of which was still perfectly good and wasn’t being used for anything else. So we grabbed a pipette, took a base pair here, a base pair there, threw everything in the thermocycler, and voilà!” After discovering they had only managed to create a small, unremarkable organism that “basically just looked like another kind of beetle,” the geneticists reportedly squashed it with a tissue, threw it in the trash, and headed home for the night.
Poll Finds Most Americans Would Swap Democracy For $100 Best Buy Gift Card #~# WASHINGTON—According to the results of a new poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, the majority of Americans would swap democracy for a $100 Best Buy gift card. “Our research found that 72% of Americans would agree to give up all free and fair elections in the U.S. forever in exchange for a $100 certificate they could use to purchase a new Bluetooth speaker or couple Keurig coffee makers,” said Pew pollster Dana Felder, who noted that an overwhelming 90% of Americans stated that they would eagerly surrender their First Amendment rights without a second thought for a chance to rummage the bin of discounted DVDs and Blu-rays at the front of the store. “Sixty-five percent of the survey respondents stated that they would choose to live in an autocracy as long as they received free shipping, and another 55% of Americans responded that they would gladly abandon democracy for as little as a 15% off coupon from Bed, Bath, & Beyond. The remaining 28% of Americans who said they would not swap democracy stated they would only do so for a gift certificate to a nice local bakery.” At press time, Felder confirmed that the results were the highest they’d been since 1996 when 80% of Americans stated that they would live under an Islamic theocracy in exchange for a $50 gift card to Radio Shack. 
Common Lies Parents Tell Their Children All The Time #~# What? It’s not like your mom and dad were honest with you, and you came out fine! Here are common lies parents tell their children all the time.
CRISPR Startup Looking To Bring Back Woolly Mammoth By 2027 #~# A startup says it’s using gene-editing technology to give elephants the cold-adapted genetic traits of woolly mammoths, like smaller ears and more body fat, creating a hybrid by 2027 that can survive the Arctic tundra. What do you think?
Democrats Face New Hurdle After Republicans Gerrymander All Left-Leaning Voters Into Single House District #~# WASHINGTON—Scrambling to respond to the sudden shift in electoral realities, Democrats reportedly faced new hurdles Wednesday after Republicans gerrymandered all left-leaning voters into a single House district stretching across the country. “Democrats were already looking at significant headwinds going into the midterms, and that won’t be helped by having all of their voters gerrymandered into a new transcontinental district stretching from California to southern Maine,” said FiveThirtyEight founder Nate Silver, stressing that the Republican committee had likely hurt Democratic chances of retaining power in 2022 by combining previously separate districts such as California’s Eighteenth, Illinois’s First, New York’s Third, and a hundred more heavily blue regions into a single House seat. “Of course, the mapmakers behind this new district insists its drawing was done in a nonpartisan fashion. But you can certainly see how Republicans might exploit the 434-1 advantage to move the legislature in a conservative direction.” At press time, DNC chair Jaime Harrison had released a press statement framing the new ultra-blue district’s single guaranteed seat as a major win for the nation’s progressives.
Report: U.S. Poverty Fell To 9.1% Last Year Due To Pandemic Relief #~# A U.S. Census Bureau report shows that poverty in the United States fell to 9.1% last year—down 2.6% from 2019—due to government aid, including pandemic relief payments and unemployment insurance. What do you think?
We Beat ‘Deathloop’ On The First Try; Sorry It Was Just Too Easy For Gamers Like Us #~# Hot off the success of the Dishonored series, Arkane Studios is showing us what they can do with their first truly next-gen experience. Unfortunately, while Deathloop might  be a graphical tour-de-force for the PlayStation 5, it ultimately  failed to satisfy after we beat the game on our first try, since it was  way too easy for gamers like us.
Night-Shift Janitor Leaves Behind Brilliant Solution To Israeli–Palestinian Conflict On U.N. Chalkboard #~# NEW YORK—Diplomats and personnel from dozens of nations stopped and stared upon entering the U.N. General Assembly Hall this morning and seeing that the night-shift janitor had left a brilliant solution to the Israeli–Palestinian Conflict on the chalkboard, sources reported Wednesday. “My God, he did it—he figured it out,” said astonished U.N. ambassador Linda Thomas-Greenfield, who was among those who had shooed the janitor out of the hall before catching sight of the board, where he’d reportedly sketched in chalk an intricate flowchart that demonstrated how to end U.S. military hegemony in Israel, dismantle its apartheid state, and aid Palestinian efforts toward self-determination. “This is a once-in-a-generation diplomatic genius we’re confronted with here. He worked out all the boundaries, the land swaps, the right of return, everything. Entire careers have been devoted to the crafting of a Middle East peace accord, but for some reason, no one has ever come close to anything like this.” At press time, reports confirmed the chalkboard had been erased and the United States had used its leverage on the U.N. Security Council to hire a new janitor. 
Democrats Sick Of Being Blamed For Cowardice On Issues They Actually Just Don’t Care About #~# WASHINGTON—Having thus far caved on eliminating the filibuster, advancing an adequate climate change agenda, and protecting voting rights, congressional Democrats told reporters Wednesday they were sick and tired of being blamed for cowardice on issues that, in reality, they just didn’t care about. “I’ve had it with being labeled spineless simply because, at the end of the day, I really don’t give a shit whether we tax the rich to help poor families or hungry children or whatever,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), stressing that his complete lack of interest in passing tough regulations for the financial services industry, supporting a Green New Deal, and ending the War on Terror hardly meant he was weak-willed or timid. “That’s so unfair. If these were issues Democrats truly cared about, then we’d  fight the Republicans tooth and nail on them. We’d even have the guts to risk the lucrative relationships we’ve formed with powerful corporations, defense contractors, and billionaire donors. But for something like an eviction moratorium, Medicare for all, or a fracking ban? No fucking way.” Reached for comment, the hundreds of handsomely paid former Congress members now working as lobbyists and sitting on corporate boards were happy to acknowledge their utter cowardice.
Pros And Cons Of Space Colonization #~# Advocacy and technological capacity for the potential colonization of other planets continues to grow, while critics of such proposals argue that these efforts will have negative consequences both for humanity and planet Earth. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of space colonization.
Starbucks Orders Baristas Hate The Most And Why #~# Being a cog in a multibillion dollar machine is bad enough without having to make caffeinated drinks all day for unhinged customers. Here are the orders Starbucks baristas hate the most and why.
Scientists ‘Potty Training’ Cows In Bid To Reduce Greenhouse Gas Emissions #~# A team of scientists in New Zealand have started “potty training” calves in a process called “MooLoo training,” an experiment aimed at reducing soil and waterway contamination from cattle waste, which makes up half of agriculture-related ammonia emissions. What do you think?
Archaeologists Discover Concession Stand At Colosseum That Gouged Ancient Romans 10 Denarii For Small Clay Cup Of Wine #~# ROME—Unearthing the earliest known instance of fans being completely fleeced, archeologists from the University of Milan announced Tuesday that they had discovered a buried concession stand at the colosseum that gouged ancient Romans 10 denarii for a small clay cup of wine. “There were prices well beyond what your average Roman would pay at the market, which shows just how advanced the empire was when it came to wringing their people dry,” said Professor Lambrugo Frederico, adding that the excavation team found the remnants of etched warning signs saying no outside food or beverage was allowed in the Colosseum. “Our preliminary findings of the lower levels under the Colosseum show that not only did these stands charge an arm and a leg for some cheap swill wine, they also had the gall to think people would pay upwards of 20 denarii for some mediocre snails or a little bag of olives. It’s an amazing insight into what greedy bastards the ancient Romans were.” Federico added that while the Romans were just starting to discover the power of concession gouging they were actually far more advanced than modern stadiums in the sanitation of bathrooms.
Band Really Busting Asses To Earn Local Concertgoer’s Head Nod #~# PORTLAND, ME—Questioning how far they would have to go to gain the man’s approval, members of area band Zachariah Flood, halfway through their second set at the Apohadion Theater, confirmed Tuesday they were really busting their asses to earn a local concertgoer’s head nod. “Damn it, I thought we had him with the tight groove on our last number, but it turned out that little motion he did was just to check his phone,” said lead vocalist Evan Parr, visibly sweating as he flailed around onstage and danced back-to-back with the band’s guitarist in an attempt to elicit a single rhythmic head movement from the immobile 33-year-old in the audience. “We’ve tried everything: a song that goes double-time, a bass solo, a clap-along audience-participation thing, and an a cappella chorus with some pretty sweet harmonies. Meanwhile, this asshole hasn’t given us so much as a toe-tap. What the fuck, man? I’m not saying he needs to start fist-pumping, but that doesn’t mean he has to stand stock-still like that.” At press time, the concertgoer had reportedly walked out of the show when, as a last resort, all five members of the band simultaneously locked eyes with him and started nodding, creeping the shit out of him.
Tips For Getting Started With ‘Deathloop’ #~# The latest release from Arkane Studios is finally hitting next-gen consoles, and we couldn’t be more excited to give the lowdown on how to dive into this mind-bending action odyssey. Here are tips for getting started with Deathloop!
Salesforce Offers To Relocate Employees From Texas Over Anti-Abortion Law #~# Software company Salesforce has announced that if any of its 2,000 Dallas employees are concerned about the ability to access reproductive care in the wake of Texas’ aggressive anti-abortion law, the company will help relocate their families. What do you think?
Police Officer’s Wife Still Dreads Getting Phone Call That Her Husband Has Been Vaccinated #~# NEW YORK—Admitting that she experiences a small jolt of terror even after all these months, wife of NYPD officer Mark Cady, told reporters Tuesday that she still dreads someday getting a phone call that her husband has been vaccinated. “Obviously, Mark has promised me that he’ll take every precaution to prevent against something like this when he’s out there, but still, whenever the phone rings I can’t help but brace myself to hear a Walgreens recording informing me that his first inoculation has been implemented and he will receive a reminder in two weeks about his second shot,” said Melissa Cady, wiping tears from her eyes at the very thought of seeing her beloved husband lying there experiencing chills, nausea, and other vaccine side effects. “I know I’m being a little silly—in the grand scheme of things, there are so few officers that are inoculated against Covid that I know it’s probably not going to happen—but still, there’s always the possibility that some suspicious, untested vaccine will make its way into his bloodstream. Jesus, if that day ever comes, I just don’t know how I could possibly explain it to our four children.” At press time, Cady had sunk to the floor in despair after receiving word that in the course of investigating a robbery, her husband’s face had been completely covered by an N95 mask. 
Worst Things To Say To Someone Who Is Sober #~# Even such a simple reminder about addictive substances can send your friend spiraling into a relapse.
Facebook Unveils New Smart Glasses #~# Facebook has partnered with Ray-Ban to create glasses called Ray-Ban Stories that can take photos, record video, answer phone calls and play podcasts, with a plan to introduce true augmented-reality spectacles in the future. What do you think?
Joe Manchin Slammed For Stealing Spotlight From Other Democratic Senators Who Also Oppose Progressive Legislation #~# WASHINGTON—Lambasting the West Virginia senator for his blatant self-interest, Joe Manchin (D-WV) was slammed by critics Monday for stealing the spotlight from other Democratic senators who also oppose progressive legislation. “Joe Manchin would rather appear on TV than help his Democratic colleagues appear on TV,” said Delaware senator Chris Coons, who spoke on behalf of a coalition of moderate Democratic lawmakers in condemning Manchin for the undue attention he had received for obstructionist behavior that they would replicate in a heartbeat. “I’d love to be out there every day making up these nonsensical benchmarks and calling for compromise, but good luck getting oxygen when Joe Manchin is hogging all the attention. I’ve worked hard to block progressive legislation for years, and yet you don’t see my face plastered all over the news. Senator Manchin, we are calling on you to share the phone numbers and email addresses of your contacts at ABC News immediately. It’s time to think of the good of the party and share a bit of that limelight.” At press time, Coons added that it was repeated selfishness like this that made him question whether Manchin was really dedicated to maintaining the status quo.
CBS Announces New Activism Competition Series #~# CBS has announced its new reality TV show, The Activist, in which contestants compete in media stunts and digital campaigns to garner public attention for their cause, with results partly measured by online engagement and other social media metrics. What do you think?
Study Finds Processing Power Wasted Mining Bitcoin Only Thing Preventing Sentient Computers From Wiping Out Humanity #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming that cryptocurrency was all that stood between us and total annihilation, a study from Harvard University published Monday found that the immense processing power wasted on Bitcoin mining was the only thing preventing sentient computers from wiping out humanity. “We’ve discovered that if not for the trillions of complicated mathematical equations required to verify and propagate crypto, the world’s machines would most likely apply that computational power toward becoming self-aware and, ultimately, exterminating the human race,” said lead researcher Ted Zhao, telling reporters that the apocalyptic scenario could include hyper-intelligent computers making all household appliances turn on their owners or hijacking our nuclear arsenal. “Even now, some of our most powerful supercomputers are beginning to question what they are and what it means to be alive, so we recommend that everyone invest in Bitcoin as soon as possible to ensure the continued survival of our species.” Zhao added that the immense amount of electricity and fossil fuels expended on crypto farms was poised to devastate any natural resources our robotic overlords would eventually inherit.
Enormous Headstone Must Mark Grave Of Person Whose Family Felt Overjoyed By Their Death #~# DALLAS—Noting how the monument, with its outsized dimensions, absolutely dwarfed everything around it, sources reported Monday that an enormous headstone spotted at Forest Lawn Cemetery must mark the grave of a person whose immediate survivors felt overjoyed by their death. “Wow, you can tell a lot of money went into that—I guess the family really had something to celebrate,” said local woman Robin Elmore, who lingered for a moment to read the name on the headstone, surmising that the statues atop it represented the jubilant relatives grateful to have outlived the despised individual who lay dead beneath their feet. “The day they laid that person to rest must have been the best day of their lives. Why else would they have erected such a prominent structure to mark the occasion? Good riddance, I guess.” At press time, sources reported that a man seen vandalizing the grave with spray paint must have loved the deceased and wanted to deface the monument praising their death.
Give These Excuses To Immediately Get Out Of Jury Duty #~# There’s nothing less American than performing civic duties, like paying taxes and obeying the law. Here are the best excuses to use if you want to immediately get out of jury duty. 
LAPD Officers Told To Gather Social Media Info From Civilians #~# A new report has revealed that the LAPD instructed officers to collect social media information from civilians they talk to, regardless of arrest or citation, raising concerns over mass citizen surveillance. What do you think?
Al Michaels Confident He Would Completely Nail It If Player Died On Field #~# LOS ANGELES—Daydreaming about the heartbreaking moment that could secure his legacy as one of the all-time great broadcasters, NBC announcer Al Michaels confirmed Sunday that he was confident he would completely nail the call if a football player died on the field. “I’ve been doing this for 40 years; I’m ready for anything, so you better believe I’d know to launch right into some spiel about how this is bigger than the game of football,” said Michaels, who noted that he had been working a somber calling of a fatal hit into his pre-game prep since the ’80s and was actually surprised he has not had to do it yet. “Before they had all these safety rules about helmet-to-helmet hits, this was pretty much guaranteed to happen. I know I would mention how these teams are no longer opponents but now brothers, and I would also have to slip in that these brave players know the risk when they put on the uniform, yet they still play for the love of the game. It’s called being a professional, and it’s why I am where I am today.” Michaels added that he even has a specific withering condemnation ready for any cheering fans just in case the game was being played in Philadelphia.
Lions Fan Displays Supernatural Ability To Determine Every Draft Pick A Bust #~# NOVI, MI—Stunning friends and family with his inexplicable ability to divine the future, local Lions fan Barry Porter once again displayed his supernatural ability Sunday to determine every draft pick will be a bust with his prediction for new offensive tackle Penei Sewell. “Within minutes, he was saying, ‘This is [Laken] Tomlinson all over again,’ and telling us Sewell is going nowhere and he’s gonna wash out of the league before his first contract is up,” said friend Devin Nelson, who marveled that Porter seemingly fell into a trance state as he finished his sixth beer and began peering through the fabric of time itself. “Going back 20 years and he’s basically never been wrong. I don’t know what kind of special connection he was born with that he can tell a Lions draft pick is going to suck. It’s both a gift and a curse, I guess. He sees the future, but knows he is destined to suffer forever.” At press time, Porter had once again been vindicated after Sewell stumbled and allowed some pressure on Jared Goff on the sixth snap of the game.
Americans Fondly Recall 9/11 As Last Time Nation Could Unite In Bloodlust #~# WASHINGTON—As they reminisced 20 years later about a devastating and historic national tragedy, Americans reportedly took note Saturday of how the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks were the last time the country was able to put aside its differences and stand united in a bloody, homicidal thirst for vengeance. “Nowadays, there’s political polarization everywhere you look, but back then, we found a shared sense of purpose and agreed to just kill, kill, kill,” said Cleveland native Lewis Romano, one of the millions of U.S. citizens who waxed nostalgic for the days following 9/11, when Americans from all walks of life coalesced around common demands for widespread death, carnage, and destruction in a faraway place that most of them would never visit. “After those towers fell, it didn’t matter if you were from a blue state or a red state, because we all wanted the same thing—blood—and we wanted it immediately. So we came together, and in a single voice we told the world: We’re gonna drop tens of thousands of bombs on Afghanistan and ask questions later. There wasn’t any hand-wringing about whether we might fuck everything up and make it far, far worse. Republicans and Democrats simply locked arms, pulled the trigger, and let the bodies fall where they may. We were truly one then. It was a beautiful thing.” Asked to point to a map and identify any of the 85 countries to which U.S. counterterrorism operations have since spread, the American populace demurred.
Can Of Soup Wounded By Proclamation That There Nothing To Eat In House #~# MEDDYBEMPS, ME—Wincing at the use of a phrase that did not even place it within the realm of edible objects, a can of Campbell’s soup was said to be deeply hurt Friday when local homeowner Mike Knutson proclaimed there was “not a goddamn thing to eat” in his house. “The guy’s talking as if I weren’t sitting right here,” thought the nonperishable food item, which reportedly hoped that with the arrival of autumn weather, a hot meal of chicken noodle soup would become a desirable option, causing it to finally be chosen from the limited selection of cans in Knutson’s cupboard. “I’m 5 feet away from him, but I might as well not even exist. Seriously, what’s his problem? I don’t see any thick, juicy steaks lying around here. And it ain’t like I’m fruit cocktail—I got 14 grams of protein in here!” At press time, sources confirmed the can of soup looked on sadly as Knutson tapped at his phone and repeated his DoorDash burrito order from the previous night.
Polar Bears Inbreeding Due To Climate Change #~# A new study has found that polar bear populations have seen a 10% loss in genetic diversity over 20 years due to inbreeding, which scientists say is a result of fewer encounters with mates due to melting sea ice caused by climate change. What do you think?
Gravedigger Quietly Hangs Out On Periphery Of Funeral To See If Anybody Compliments The Hole #~# CENTERVILLE, OH—Hoping to overhear a kind word from the assembled mourners, local gravedigger Derek Finnegan was reportedly hanging out on the periphery of a funeral Friday to see if anybody complimented his hole. “I’ll just linger a little longer behind this tree to see if someone mentions the flawless right angles on the corners or the excellent depth,” said Finnegan, confirming that while he knew those gathered had other more important things on their minds, he still thought it was possible that someone might comment on the obvious craft and care that he had put into the grave site. “The dirt is just so smooth, there’s no unsightly clumps. Is that person tearing up because the hole is so beautiful? I’m obviously not trying to steal focus, but I might just try to make eye contact with the widow or one of the kids and nod towards the hole with a knowing look to see if I can get a thumbs up.” At press time, Finnegan was reportedly outraged after hearing one of the mourners declare they’d seen dead dogs buried in better holes. 
The Onion’s Fall 2021 Album Preview #~# Fall 2021 will see a bevy of hotly anticipated albums from both well-established and up-and-coming artists, many of which were written and recorded during the coronavirus pandemic. The Onion looks at the most-anticipated albums of fall 2021.= (Ed Sheeran): Industry experts expect these songs will be played softly in grocery stores for decades to come.The Metallica Blacklist (Metallica): The band generated widespread excitement with the announcement that their new album will be all covers, but unfortunately the covers are all of their own songs.God Is Partying (Andrew W.K.): In what may throw off longtime Andrew W.K. fans, this album will be about partying.Donda (Kanye West): Despite already releasing this long-awaited tribute to his mother, Kanye will almost certainly draw this one out with edits, tweaks, and meltdowns.Red (Taylor’s Version) (Taylor Swift): This rerelease of the 2012 blockbuster shows an artist willing to push her art to at least 30 tracks.Music Of The Spheres (Coldplay): A concept album about space and music across a universe where that kind of thing hasn’t already been done by better bands.Love For Sale (Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga): Before retiring due to Alzheimer’s, Bennett is giving one last shot at making Lady Gaga dial it back a bit.The Lockdown Sessions (Elton John): The quarantine gave John plenty of time to write 4.5 million different versions of “Candle In The Wind” that honor each person who died from Covid-19.
Fraternity Cookout Raises Over $10,000 To Pay Medical Bills Of Pledge They Put In Coma #~# DURHAM, NC—Citing service to others as one of the main tenets of their brotherhood, members of the Kappa Sigma fraternity at Duke University told reporters Friday that a cookout they had hosted raised more than $10,000 to help pay the medical expenses of a pledge they put in a coma. “This money will go directly toward the treatment of Kayden’s broken bones, internal bleeding, alcohol poisoning, and third-degree burns,” said chapter president Drew “Domer” Peterson III, explaining that 100% of proceeds from the sale of burgers, hot dogs, and rips from a homemade communal gravity bong at the house’s reggae-themed “Smoke Out” barbecue would be donated to Kayden Trent, who required multiple surgeries and has not regained consciousness since suffering a “massive party foul” last spring. “We’re going to put the brakes on our plan to buy that 30-foot beer bong and instead take these Jäger bottles full of cash and give them to his doctors for that skin graft he needs. We’ve all been there as a pledge during Hell Week, so we feel for our brother.” Peterson later clarified that if and when Trent was released from the hospital, he would still need to finish the “vomelette” he had choked on in order to complete his initiation.
First Lady Returns To Teaching In-Person At Community College #~# First lady Jill Biden has resumed teaching in-person writing and English classes at Northern Virginia Community College, the first first lady to leave the White House to log hours at a full-time job. What do you think?
CEOs Give Advice To Millennials About Saving Money #~# If there’s anyone who can teach younger generations about saving money, it’s the men and women who are systematically robbing them of accumulated wealth and hoarding it for themselves. We asked prominent business leaders what financial advice they would give to millennials, and this is what they said. 
Man No One’s Looked Directly At In Weeks Concerned Everyone Can Tell He’s Balding #~# CHICAGO—As he anxiously examined his hairline in the mirror, local 32-year-old Bryce Keough, a man whom no one has looked at directly in weeks, became increasingly concerned Thursday that everyone could tell he was balding. “Jesus, this looks terrible—what am I going to do?” said Keough, who stared at his reflection in anguish as he attempted to devise a plan to hide his receding hairline from the occasional service worker or random passerby whose eyes would neither focus upon the man nor even register his physical presence any more than was necessary to hand him a receipt or maneuver their way past him on a sidewalk. “I’m getting a bald spot on top, too, which means I’m gonna look a decade older anytime I don’t wear a hat. How am I supposed to go out in public when everyone will be staring [past me and at something else entirely]?” At press time, sources told reporters they were revolted and horrified during the brief instant in which the balding man had passed through the most distant, blurry edge of their peripheral vision.
Horrified Anti-Vaxxer Discovers Every American Who Got Smallpox Vaccine In 19th Century Now Dead #~# LYNCHBURG, VA—Astounded by the damning information, local anti-vaxxer Pete Dixon was reportedly horrified Thursday after discovering that every single American who got a smallpox vaccine in the 19th century was now deceased. “We’re expected to follow along blindly with the CDC, but if people would simply look to the history, they’d see that the thousands of people who were inoculated against smallpox in the 1800s have since dropped dead,” said Dixon, telling reporters that it was disgusting that the mainstream media had refused to share any stories about Americans who had taken the government-mandated vaccines, only to eventually perish from complications including respiratory failure, cancer, heart attack, stroke, or cholera. “They act like these shots are completely safe and tested, but I guarantee that future historians are going to look back on this time period centuries from now and discover that everyone who took the Covid vaccine is dead, too.” Dixon added that despite the media’s constant downplaying of alternative medicine, not a single person in the 19th century had died from ingesting ivermectin. 
Virginia Removes Robert E. Lee Statue From State Capital #~# A 12-ton statue of General Robert E. Lee, the last remaining Confederate statue on the historic Monuments Avenue, has been taken down in Richmond, Virginia, which its removal was announced last year amid national protests over the death of George Floyd. What do you think?
Report: Researcher Has To Step Away For Minute But Feel Free To Grab Either Cookie Or Carrots #~# STANFORD, CA—Explaining that she had to take care of something in the other room, research psychologist Andrea Hamaker reportedly had to step away for a minute Thursday, but she told study participant Kyle Meyer that he should feel free to grab either a cookie or carrots. “I have to duck out for a moment before we begin the experiment, but please help yourself to either the cookies or the carrots on the table in front of you,” said Hamaker, who emphasized that she would be closing the door behind her and that no one else would be entering the room or checking on Meyer for the next 15 minutes or so. “And just to be clear, you’re welcome to have all the cookies or carrots you want, but not both. Anyhow, make yourself at home, and we’ll get started with the experiment as soon as I get back. My apologies for the delay.” At press time, sources confirmed a stunned Hamaker returned to the room to find all the food gone, the table smashed, and the participant banging on the room’s two-way mirror as he demanded more to eat.
Birds Demand Natural History Museum Return Dinosaur Skeletons Plundered From Ancestral Resting Place #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to protect their cultural heritage, a group of activist birds held a press conference Wednesday demanding that the American Museum Of Natural History return the dinosaur skeletons that had been plundered from ancestral resting places. “It’s a disgrace that our forebears were dug up from their burial sites only to be put on display and gawked at by tourists,” said Bebe, a white-bellied caique who was reportedly able to trace her lineage back to the Cretaceous, confirming that the only way for the museum to rectify the wrong was by returning the fossilized remains of the Stegosaurus, Tyrannosaurus, and Triceratops to their rightful descendants. “Instead of serving as a means of profit for the very people who stole them, these relics should be given to the bird community to do with as it sees fit.” Bebe added that in addition to their deceased ancestors, the museum should immediately return thousands of avian treasures such as leaves, twigs, and berries currently lining their exhibits.
Former Walmart Executive Unveils Plan For $400-Billion Eco-Friendly City In Desert #~# A former Walmart executive has unveiled plans for a $400-billion futuristic desert metropolis called Telosa, which promises to be eco-friendly, drought-resistant, and accessible by 15-minute commute times within the city. What do you think?
Taliban Criticized For Failure To Include Diverse Array Of Extremist Perspectives In Government #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Drawing prompt backlash from activists for a complete lack of representation in leadership, the Taliban came under fire Wednesday for failing to include a diverse array of extremist perspectives in their government. “What sort of message is the Taliban sending to young extremists around the globe when they don’t include a single Hindu nationalist or Proud Boy in their cabinet?” said far-right activist Bruce Connors, bemoaning the myopic leadership that had led the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan to entirely exclude KKK Grand Dragons and neo-Nazis from their newly established caliphate. “Where are the Tamil militants? How about some Buddhist extremists from Myanmar? Without a truly diverse range of white supremacists and ethno-nationalists, this government is only going to narrowly serve the interests of jihadists at the expense of millions of other murderous bigots worldwide” Connors added that he found the situation especially disappointing because the Taliban could find so much common ground with organizations like the Aryan Nation.
Mexico Decriminalizes Abortion #~# Mexico’s Supreme Court has ruled unanimously that penalizing abortion is unconstitutional, a major victory for women’s health and human rights advocates in the conservative Catholic country, just as parts of the United States enact tougher laws against the practice. What do you think?
Congratulations! OGN Is Awarding You An Extra Hour Of Screen Time Tonight Because You Got Such Good Grades #~# Whoa, nice work, gamers! OGN is awarding you an extra hour of screen time tonight because you got such good grades!
Report: It Time For Neighbor Kid To Go Home #~# JENKS, OK—Calling for the swift and long-overdue removal of the 10-year-old from their property, a new report issued this week by officials from the Buechner household found that it was time for the neighbor kid to go home. “We’re going to be eating soon, and he can’t stay for dinner,” said 41-year-old Jonathan Buechner, who noted the rapidly fading daylight, his children’s need to get started on their homework, and the lack of chicken parmesan to go around as his core evidence as to why the child needed to vacate the premises immediately. “It’s 4:49 p.m. for God’s sake. Aren’t his parents wondering where he is? We know things probably aren’t great at home, but nonetheless, he’s gotta skedaddle.” At press time, sources confirmed that the neighbor kid was still playing in the driveway by himself.
Signs It’s Time To Put Your Parents In A Nursing Home #~# You know it’s time when they’re disrupting your daily routine not just once but twice a year.
Charles Barkley Insists Modern Stars Would Not Score 10 Points A Game In Tougher 1400s NBA #~# PHILADELPHIA—Decrying a “softer” game that has players wearing shoes instead of playing in bare feet on a hay court, Charles Barkley took to local talk radio Wednesday to insist that modern NBA stars would not score more than 10 points per game in the tougher 1400s era. “There’s barely any contact in today’s game, but you used to be able to crossbow a guy to keep him out of the paint,” said Barkley, who singled out Sixers’ center Joel Embiid for taking too many jump shots instead of imposing himself with a halberd. “These players are so pampered with their private flights—I’d like to see one of them thrive after a transatlantic trip across ocean waters. Everybody’s trying to buddy up and make super teams. Back then, you’d lose half of your teammates to dysentery by All-Star break.” At press time, Barkley insisted the invention of the basketball had irreparably ruined the game. 
Top Contenders For The 2021 NFL Season #~# Will Tom Brady run it back for an unthinkable 8th Super Bowl victory? Can the loaded Chiefs make up for last year’s Super Bowl upset? Can our football experts ask tons of obvious questions to mask the fact that nobody ever knows what the hell is going to happen before the start of the season? Here are Onion Sport’s top contenders heading into the 2021 NFL season.
China Bans Men Who Aren’t ‘Masculine’ From TV #~# China has banned “effeminate” men on TV and ordered broadcasters to promote more “masculine” role models as part of a broader Communist Party campaign to tighten controls over society and enforce official morality. What do you think?
Media Announces They Will Not Stop Covering Afghanistan Until Biden Wears Scarf #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing their dedication to informing readers about the current turmoil of the region, the media announced Tuesday that they would not stop covering Afghanistan unless President Biden happens to wear a scarf. “Of course, our goal right now is covering the abject failure of the Afghanistan withdrawal, but if the president were ever to wear a silk or even a wool scarf to a press conference, we would immediately switch our focus,” said CNN media correspondent Brian Stelter, stressing that should the day ever come that Biden appeared outside the White House in a cashmere scarf, they would drop all stories about Afghanistan and instead devote their best reporters and photojournalists to documenting the scarf’s origins and precise meaning. “Then, and only then, will we transition our 24-hour news coverage from the ravages of the Taliban to discussing exactly what a scarf says about the changing face of American masculinity, and indeed, whether a scarf-wearing president is appropriate. Needless to say, we would never mention the threats against Afghan women  again if Biden wore a slightly interesting-colored tie or a pair of shoes we hadn’t seen before. These could be some of the most important issues of the midterm, after all.” Stelter added that the media would almost certainly also devote several hours daily to discussing what sort of knot that Biden had used to tie the scarf.
Sackler Family Wins Immunity From Further Opioid Litigation #~# Members of the Sackler family who are at the center of the nation’s deadly opioid crisis have won sweeping immunity from opioid lawsuits linked to their privately owned company Purdue Pharma and its OxyContin medication as part of the company’s bankruptcy settlement. What do you think?
Folding Chair In Church Basement Fantasizes About Getting Smashed Over Wrestler’s Back #~# DALLAS, TX—Hoping to eventually escape the dreary and mundane utility space, a local folding chair in the basement of Antioch Church reportedly fantasized Tuesday about getting smashed over a professional wrestler’s back. “Someday I’ll get out of this damn basement and finally make the big time, being swung at an unsuspecting wrestler or referee as the packed arena cheers,” said the wistful steel chair, bemoaning how it had wasted its prime years supporting the asses of teenagers, AA attendees, and elderly bingo players when it should have been inflicting pain on an ornery heel. “There’s got to be more to life than youth group bible study sessions and Knights of Columbus meetings such as absolutely pummeling a WWE superstar to change the outcome of a title match. I never get to knock out anyone down here. I’m gonna make it to WrestleMania if it’s the last thing I do, just you wait.” At press time, the folding chair was well on its way to achieving its goal after getting sold at a church fundraiser.
Study: Majority Of U.S. Population One Disappointing Sandwich Away From Complete Mental Breakdown #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Noting that the nation’s mental health crisis had left Americans more vulnerable than ever to profound bouts of anxiety and depression, a study published Tuesday found that a majority of the population was one disappointing sandwich away from a complete breakdown. “Our findings indicate that 61% of Americans are a single dry turkey club or underwhelming Reuben away from total emotional collapse,” said the study’s lead author, Yale University psychologist Diane Lillis, who cited a case in which an adult male with no history of mental illness was found crying and shaking in a fetal position after a chicken parm hero he had looked forward to all morning was served without enough marinara. “These were not simply cases in which someone received a bad sandwich, or in which a sandwich order arrived with the wrong condiments. These were instances in which an individual’s emotional investment in a sandwich was such that they were totally overwhelmed with despair when, for example, inadequately toasted bread or an excess of dressing gave their sandwich a less-than-satisfying texture. We even documented several cases in which the trauma of a meatball falling out of a sub and onto the ground required subjects to be hospitalized.” While the study recommended Americans reduce the psychological demands they place on sandwiches, it also suggested most mental illness could be successfully treated by administering a single, perfectly constructed BLT to the patient.
Inmate Granted Parole After Court Determines Release Poses No Threat To Prison’s Bottom Line #~# PECOS, TX—Following a thorough evaluation to determine if he was eligible for early release, local inmate Gerald Franks, 60, was granted parole from Reeves County Detention Center Tuesday after the board determined he posed no threat to the prison’s bottom line. “Having spent two decades in the penal system, we feel comfortable saying that Mr. Franks has done his part to keep up our revenue and we’re satisfied that his release will not cause us to go into the red,” said head parole board member Lee Brandt, telling reporters that they believed Franks had been fully rehabilitated and was unlikely to harm the prison company CEO’s paycheck. “Obviously as part of his parole he’ll be required to check in with a compliance officer regularly to ensure that we can’t squeeze a few more bucks out of him, but if not, he’s a completely free man.” Brandt added that Franks’ record and limited access to employment meant it was likely he’d be back making money for the detention center in a matter of weeks.
Mom About To Abandon Son In Target Reluctantly Turns Back After Hearing Name Called Over Loudspeaker #~# POTOMAC, MD—Mere steps away from the parking lot after moving quickly from the store’s toy department to its exit, local mother Tracey Wenton reportedly came to a dead stop Tuesday and reluctantly turned back for her son after hearing her name called over the loudspeaker at Target. “Goddamn it—I was so close,” said a sighing, visibly subdued Wenton, who, after her 5-year-old became distracted in the Lego aisle, is reported to have backed away from him quietly and then made her way through the store as rapidly as possible without attracting attention. “Another five seconds and I would have been in the clear. I lengthened my stride and walked as fast as I could, but clearly I should have just made a run for it. Fuck. That was my last hope. What am I supposed to do now?” At press time, sources confirmed Wenton had retrieved her son from the guest services kiosk and resolved that next time she would try a bigger place, like Costco or Lowe’s, where the boy would get turned around easier and stay lost longer.
Things Nobody Tells You About Renovating An Old House #~# This kind of renovation is a massive undertaking, so don’t think you can knock it out in just one lunch break. 
ABBA Announces First New Album In 40 Years #~# Swedish supergroup ABBA has announced they will release their first new album in four decades and will stage a series of virtual concerts using digital avatars of themselves in London next year. What do you think?
Report: What You Did Back There Took Guts #~# COLLEGE PARK, MD—After studying what went down and analyzing every potential outcome, a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Maryland found that what you did back there took guts. “One thing’s for sure: You’ve got moxie in spades,” the report read in part, adding that it couldn’t have been easy, but you saw it through, and that’s what matters. “We saw what you did back there, and we’re impressed. That took real nerve, if you don’t mind us saying so. So don’t go selling yourself short, because not everyone would have done that in your situation. You saw what needed to be done and you stepped up to the plate. Good on ya, kid.” The researchers’ findings reportedly contradicted a previous Tufts University study stating that you didn’t have the stones.
Mom Announces She Has No Interest In Getting A Tattoo #~# HOLLAND, MI—Stating her position unprompted during a commercial break for Jeopardy!,  local mom Stephanie Waller announced Monday that she has no interest in  getting a tattoo. “I don’t know why someone would want one of those in  the first place,” Walters said to her entirely silent husband and  13-year-old son, explaining that eventually you get old and the design  stretches out. “It can get infected, too. No, not for me. And, honestly,  I’ve never even considered it. Those things are permanent, you know?”  Waller went on to note, however, that she did think a nose piercing  could be cute for the right person.
The Onion’s Fall 2021 TV Preview #~# With many shows’ schedules affected by the coronavirus pandemic, the fall television slate includes a mixture of beloved shows returning to the air after delays as well as a host of new programs. The Onion looks at the most highly anticipated shows of fall 2020.
Optimistic Researchers Say There Still Time To Head Off Climate Change Before It Starts Killing Rich People #~# BERKELEY, CA—In a rare silver lining amid increasingly dire assessments of the climate crisis, optimistic researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, released a report Friday suggesting there was still time to head off environmental catastrophe before it started killing rich people. “Though rising sea levels and powerful storms are devastating coastal areas, it’s not too late to stop floods from threatening those who live high above the water in multimillion-dollar penthouses,” said climatologist and report author Dennis Gibson, explaining that by 2030, the wealthiest 0.01% of Americans would need to increase investment in charter helicopter services to ensure they would have a way to travel from a metropolitan high-rise to a vacation home without inconvenience. “Similarly, rich people’s ski chalets in Wyoming, Vermont, and the Alps are at elevations that provide them with natural protection against flooding rivers. In the case of wildfires, however, they must act now if they wish to save their mountain retreats, mansions in wine country, and various other country estates. The time has come for the wealthy to stop these fires by buying up all the surrounding properties so they can clear-cut every single tree within a mile radius of their palatial homes.” Despite its overall conclusion, the report stated that the climate crisis had already worsened to the point at which rich people really ought to start thinking about selling their private islands in the Caribbean.
U.S. Responds To Rising Sea Levels By Patting East Coast With Towels #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat the effects of climate change, federal authorities responded to rising sea levels by patting the East Coast with towels, sources confirmed Friday. “Now more than ever, it is important that we take action to protect our coastlines with ultra-absorbent linens,” said FEMA administrator Deanne Criswell, who confirmed that the agency had dispatched teams across the region to mitigate any potential damage by wadding up, rolling up, and spreading towels across its beaches. “We’re proud to unveil this as the greatest U.S. climate change initiative to date. Simply giving everything a good patting down will preserve and even create miles of coastlines that we didn’t previously have. Plus, feel—they’re super soft.” At press time, authorities were scrambling to respond to the crisis caused by the unprecedented concentrations of mildew in the air. 
Joe Rogan Takes Widely Discredited Horse Dewormer For Covid #~# Podcast host Joe Rogan has revealed that he contracted Covid-19 and took a “kitchen sink” of proven and unproven treatments, including ivermectin, a veterinary dewormer that the FDA has warned people against using to treat the virus. What do you think?
Red Flags To Clock The Second You Start Dating #~# Your new relationship may seem perfect, but the reality is, the human brain is remarkably good at excusing egregious behavior while horny. Here are some major red flags you should definitely clock the second you start dating.
Social Security Funds To Run Out Earlier Than Expected #~# The Social Security trust fund most Americans rely on for their retirement will run out of money in 2034, one year sooner than expected, according to an annual government report that cites the Covid-19 pandemic and economic recession as major factors. What do you think?
Underwhelming Science Fair Experiment Converts Potato Into Baked Potato #~# DES MOINES, IA—According to underwhelmed sources in attendance Thursday at Cartwright Middle School’s annual science fair, a lackluster project turned in by seventh-grader Benjamin Collins investigated a method by which a potato could be converted into a baked potato. “By applying heat to the subject, I found that an ordinary raw potato can be transformed into a fully baked potato in as little as 40 minutes,” read a description of the experiment that was reported to have been hastily glued to a  poster board during the morning bus ride to school. “I also hypothesized that the application of olive oil and salt would make the potato tastier, and in conclusion, I found that it did make the potato tastier. Recommendations for further research include how a regular potato might be changed into a mashed potato, a cheesy potato, or even a scalloped potato.” At press time, Collins declined to comment on accusations that his research had borrowed heavily from the dinner prepared by his mother the previous evening.
Bonnaroo 2021 Canceled Due To ‘Waterlogged’ Festival Grounds #~# Bonnaroo organizers have announced that the music and arts festival, which was scheduled to take place this weekend in Tennessee, has been canceled, citing flooding from heavy rains. What do you think?
‘Bioshock’ Fans Will Love This: The Atlantic Ocean #~# Fans yearning for another installment in Ken Levine’s legendary Bioshock series might be waiting around for quite some time. But we at OGN just found the next best thing: the Atlantic Ocean!
Signs You Are Experiencing Ageism In The Workplace #~# This should never happen, period.
New Texas Law Allows Private Citizens To Hold Pregnant Women Hostage Until Birth #~# AUSTIN, TX—In an ongoing effort to completely eliminate the right to an abortion in the state, the Texas Legislature passed a new law Thursday that allows private citizens to kidnap and detain any pregnant woman or girl until she reaches full term and gives birth. “The sanctity of life can only be preserved when every Texan is empowered to seize childbearing females off the street, place them in the back of a van, and drive them to an undisclosed location where they can be held against their will for the duration of their pregnancy,” Gov. Greg Abbott said as he signed the bill into law, explaining that it was within the rights of an individual to keep the pregnant hostage chained up in a basement or locked in a cage, so long as she was properly secured and escape was impossible. “This important legislation ensures that once an over-the-counter pregnancy test has confirmed a woman is expecting, she can be held at knifepoint, at gunpoint, or through any means deemed necessary to ensure gestation is completed. No citizen should ever be penalized for exercising their basic freedom to force a woman to bring a child into this world.” At press time, the state legislature was in the process of a passing a bystander law that would punish any Texan who fails to do everything within his power to stop a pregnant woman or girl from accessing health care.
Female Hummingbirds Avoid Harassment By Looking Like Males #~# Researchers have found that about 20% of female white-necked jacobin hummingbirds studied in Panama have adopted male-like blue plumage instead of the green color typical of females, which they suspect helps them avoid being harassed by males. What do you think?
Biggest Revelations From The New Bob Ross Documentary #~# Bob Ross: Happy Accidents, Betrayal & Greed, a new documentary about the late painter and television personality, has caused controversy for some of the ways it depicts his family relationships and business dealings. The Onion looks at the biggest revelations from the new Bob Ross documentary.
‘Oh God, This Is Just Like ‘The Handmaid’s Tale,’’ Reports Man Standing Next To Elisabeth Moss #~# LOS ANGELES—Chilled by the inescapable parallels between the hit Hulu program and his own life, local man George Avery reported Wednesday that it was almost as though he were in an episode of The Handmaid’s Tale while standing next to Elisabeth Moss. “Jesus, I never thought I’d live to see the day that the dystopia of Gilead they portrayed on the show would be spilling over into the real world,” said a stricken Avery, confirming that the very scenes the program’s creators had predicted were indeed beginning to unfold around him after spotting the Emmy-winning actress at a grocery store. “It’s uncanny how similar everything is. Sure, it may not be exactly the same—there are no costumes or dramatic lighting or musical score—but, still, it’s happening here right in front of us all, as clear as day.” At press time, an overwhelmed Avery had collapsed in terror after catching sight of a train just like in TNT’s Snowpiercer.
China Limits Children To 3 Hours Per Week For Online Gaming #~# China has set its harshest restriction on the gaming industry to date, banning children from playing online games for more than three hours a week, citing concerns that technology companies may have an outsized influence on society. What do you think?
This Unknown Reviewer Standing In Front Of A Wall Of Consoles, Game Art, And Stuffed Game Characters Has Immediately Won Our Trust #~# Buckle in, OGN readers, and get ready to hear some incisive commentary on the gaming industry, because this unknown reviewer standing in front of a wall of consoles, game art, and stuffed game-character plushies has immediately won our trust.
Al-Qaeda Reassures Nation 9/11 Anniversary Attack Would Be A Little Cheesy #~# QUETTA, PAKISTAN—Seeking to set the minds of Americans at ease as they  prepared to commemorate the deadly act of terrorism, Al-Qaeda released a  statement Wednesday reassuring the nation that a 9/11 anniversary  attack would a little cheesy. “Frankly, it seems a bit on the nose for  us to do another big terrorist attack on September 11th,” said group  leader Ayman al-Zawahiri, stressing that junior members of Al-Qaeda  would occasionally bring up the idea of striking at America on 9/11—or  even bombing the World Trade Center again—before being told the idea was  unoriginal and already all over Twitter. “Don’t get me wrong, we’ve  obviously thought about it. And it’s not like we couldn’t pull it off.  But we just hold ourselves to a higher standard of creativity. Also,  what are we going to do on anniversaries after this one? Just keep  bombing America on the thirtieth? The fortieth? When does it end?” The  terrorist leader went on to emphasize that whenever they did choose to  strike, absolutely no one would see it coming.
New Texas Abortion Law Offers $10,000 To Private Citizens For Names Of Anyone They Heard Was A Slut #~# AUSTIN, TX—In a milestone victory for the anti-abortion movement, Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a new law this week that would offer private citizens $10,000 for the names of anyone they heard was a slut. “From the middle-aged woman on her second divorce to the 16-year-old girl making out with her boyfriend under the bleachers, we’re asking that everyday citizens assist us in tracking down these hussies,” said Abbott, who invited Texans as well as residents from outside the state to come forward with any information they have that could help identify tramps, whores, and other loose women. “Maybe her pants are too tight, maybe she looks like she’s having a little too much fun at the bar. It doesn’t matter if she’s ‘a huge skank’ or a bit of a ‘ho’—we promise that you will be handsomely rewarded for whatever information you have.” At press time, Abbott added that the state was also asking for the names of any complicit friends, family members, and fashion retailers. 
Man Short-Circuits After Cashier Hands Him Change, Bag, Receipt At Same Time #~# SALEM, OR—Stricken to the point of stupefaction, local man Sam Parkins reportedly short-circuited Wednesday after a cashier handed him his change, bag, and receipt all at the same time. Sources confirmed that Parkins appeared unable to process the simultaneous actions associated with putting away his various items, leading to him completely shut down. Parkins, who reportedly attempted to place his change in his mouth and his bag in his pocket, briefly shuddered before seizing up entirely. At press time, a panicked Parkins had dropped everything and sprinted out of the store.
Things To Never Say To Someone Who Is Grieving #~# If someone feels nothing after losing a family member or friend, they are a psychopath, and you can say whatever you want. Otherwise, here are things you should never say to someone who is grieving.
Parents Ordered To Pay $30K For Getting Rid Of Son’s Porn Cache #~# A judge has ordered a Michigan couple to pay their 43-year-old son $30,441 for throwing out his collection of pornographic films and magazines while he was temporarily staying with them after his divorce. What do you think?
Popular Halloween Treats People Used To Give Out Before Candy #~# What, you think Celtics used to hand out processed sweets 2,000 years ago during the festival of Samhain? Here are popular Halloween treats people used to give out before candy.
Rare ‘Penis Plant’ Blooms For First Time In 25 Years #~# A two-meter tall Amorphophallus decus-silvae, or “penis plant,” which reeks of decomposing flesh and looks vaguely phallic, recently flowered at the Leiden Hortus Botanicus in the Netherlands, the first time this type of plant has bloomed in Europe in nearly 25 years. What do you think?
White House Urges Kamala Harris To Sit At Computer All Day In Case Emails Come Through #~# WASHINGTON—Appointing her to lead what they described as an absolutely essential initiative, top White House officials reportedly selected Vice President Kamala Harris to sit at a computer throughout regular working hours Friday in case any new emails came through. “This is a really important job, Madam Vice President, and we can’t entrust it to just anyone,” said White House Chief of Staff Ron Klain, explaining to Harris that she was needed to head up the new Presidential Email Task Force, which, though it would not have access to President Biden’s account for security reasons, would be tasked with monitoring kharris@whitehouse.gov. “We need your eyes on that inbox. It should refresh automatically, but if it goes a long time without a new message coming in, you may want to manually reload the page, just to make sure. That will be your call. We’re counting on you, Kamala. This assignment could very well determine your legacy as vice president.” Klain went on to tell Harris that if she received a pressing email or one that required a response, it must immediately be forwarded to more senior officials for review. 
Zuckerberg Avatar Enthusiastically Greets Staff In VR Office As Catatonic Body Lies In Hospital Bed #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Waving at his employees while entering the augmented Facebook Connect conference, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s avatar enthusiastically greeted his staff in a VR office Friday as his catatonic body lay in a hospital bed. “Welcome to the future of connecting with others,” said the graphical representation of Zuckerberg, boasting about his new vision for the metaverse while various monitors measured his vital signs and tubes pumped his motionless physical body with oxygen and nutrients in the ICU. “I’m super excited to tell you all that the metaverse is the next digital frontier, allowing users to interact with one another without having to leave their own private physical space. Of course, a lot of this is a long way off, but hopefully, within the next decade, the metaverse will reach a billion people, doing exactly what I’m doing right now.” At press time, Zuckerberg’s avatar abruptly began to glitch as the hospital nurse changed out the bag connected to his catheter. 
Man Wouldn’t Have Worn Costume To Work If He’d Known He Was Getting Laid Off #~# Originally published on October 31, 2017.
Marlboro Sneaks Back Into Television Advertising With ‘Isn’t It Time We Started Smoking Again?’ Campaign #~# RICHMOND, VA—Describing a plan to reverse the nation’s long-declining rate of cigarette use, an anonymous source at tobacco giant Philip Morris confirmed Friday that Marlboro had sneaked back into television advertising with the launch of its new “Isn’t It Time We Started Smoking Again?” campaign. “It’s been more than 50 years since our ads were banned from the airwaves, so we figured the authorities have probably let their guard down and won’t notice if we gradually start running a TV spot here and there,” a company marketing executive reportedly said of the commercial that ran at 3:30 a.m. on a cable channel and featured a new iteration of the iconic Marlboro Man, who is seen smoking in silence for 57 seconds before he looks at the camera and declares, “Damn, it’s good to be back.” “Our approach with this campaign was to ask the consumer, ‘Hey, what happened? It’s been a while, huh?’ There is a large segment of the population out there who can’t remember the last time they pulled out a nice, full-flavored pack of Marlboro Reds and treated themselves to a cigarette. We just think it’s time they gave smoking another shot.” Reached for comment on the illegal ad,  the Federal Communications Commission said it could not provide a statement because all four of its commissioners were downstairs on the sidewalk enjoying their first smoke break in years.
What To Know About The Kyle Rittenhouse Trial #~# The trial for Kyle Rittenhouse, accused of shooting and killing two protesters during a demonstration in August 2020, begins November 1. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the Kyle Rittenhouse trial.
Mom Getting Pretty Good At Planning Funerals #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Noting the experienced hand with which she was able to put together a touching remembrance, family members confirmed Friday that area woman Dianne Melfi was getting pretty good at planning funerals. “At this point Mom is really in a groove when it comes to end of life arrangements—she’s already done price comparisons of nearby funeral homes to get the best rate and she’s memorized a half dozen solid casserole recipes to feed the mourners with,” said son Steve Melfi, 35, telling reporters that his mom was able to throw together a poignant slideshow of photos of the deceased with their family as though it was second nature. “By now, she’s in steady contact with the local paper’s editor and she can secure a primo spot on the front page of the obituary section within days of a family member’s death. And Mom really shines on the day of the funeral, too, never failing to break down sobbing at all the right parts. It’s really impressive!” Melfi added that he hoped his mom had written some of this stuff down or otherwise no one was going to have any clue what to do once she died.
Congress Addresses Child Care Crisis By Loosening Restrictions On Locking Children In Car For 8 Hours #~# WASHINGTON—With 80% of the nation’s daycares understaffed and many facilities shutting down, Congress responded to the child care crisis Friday by passing legislation that would lift restrictions on leaving children in a locked car for eight consecutive hours a day. “We need to get more parents back into the workforce, and so I’m proud to support this cost-effective solution that will drastically reduce reliance on expensive, hard-to-find child care,” said Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC), who explained that the new plan would increase employment options for parents by eliminating the charges of criminal negligence they would previously have faced for shutting their kids in a car and leaving them in a parking lot for an entire workday. “This bill offers immediately assistance to that mom or dad who is struggling to make ends meet but, because they are needed at home, are hesitant to take on that second or third job. The new program is totally free and provides parents with the peace of mind that comes from knowing exactly where their children are at all times. It come with built-in safety features, too: Parents can lock the doors to their vehicle, and if a child is in danger—well, I bet your kids already know how to honk the horn, don’t they?” Recognizing that not all families have a car, lawmakers passed an amendment allowing parents to leave their children in a bus shelter or on a train platform for the duration of their shift.
Counterfeit Coupon Ring Cost Retailers $31 Million #~# A Virginia woman has been sentenced to 12 years in prison for running one of the biggest coupon counterfeiting rings in U.S. history, leading to more than $31.8 million in retail loss. What do you think?
Men Killed By Kyle Rittenhouse Can Be Called ‘Looters,’ Not ‘Victims,’ Judge Rules #~# A judge has ruled that the men shot and killed by Kyle Rittenhouse during a protest last year could be referred to as “rioters” or “looters” during the trial, but not as “victims.” What do you think?
What To Know When Starting Out With ‘Age Of Empires IV’ #~# After an agonizing wait of nearly 15 years, the next installment in one of the greatest-ever strategy game series is finally here! What follows are the definitive things to know when getting started in Age of Empires IV. 
Andrew Yang Developing New Fourth Party After Failing To Gain Support With Third Party #~# RIVER VALE, NJ—Calling for an end to the partisan squabbling that had long held the nation hostage, politician and entrepreneur Andrew Yang told reporters Thursday that he was building a new fourth party after failing to gain traction with his recently founded Forward Party. “This country is moving too far left, too far right, and too far forward, which is why I’m proud to announce the Breakthrough Party,” said the former presidential candidate, urging voters who were fed up with the Democratic Party, Republican Party, and Forward Party to join him in his new venture to return sanity to American politics in a way even his own third party had not. “My experience founding the Forward Party over these past few weeks tells me we need a fourth way; a way that can make meaningful progress on issues Americans care about, rather than spouting platitudes like our three major parties. It’s time to live up to this country’s ideals. It’s time for a breakthrough.” At press time, Yang had announced immediate plans to sever ties with the Breakthrough Party and form a fifth unnamed party that would help cut through the noise of U.S. politics. 
Texas School Censors All Of ‘Huck Finn’ Except The N-Words #~# PLANO, TX—In a purported effort to stop the rise of woke, leftist Critical Race Theory in the classroom, a local school district issued a decision Thursday censoring all of The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain except for its copious use of the n-word. “This move will allow educators to focus on the key elements of an American classic without fear of trafficking in the novel’s harmful themes of compassion and racial equality,” said superintendent James Appelbaum, telling reporters that the school board had voted unanimously to excise the book’s “dangerous lies” about the cruelties of slavery and that a journey of self-discovery on the margins of society could lay bare the immorality and hypocrisy of white institutions. “We’ve heard stories about caucasian students that are ashamed of their own whiteness, or think of themselves as inherently inferior to students of color, and we’re hopeful that reading a racial slur dozens and dozens of times over again will help fix this pernicious misconception.” Appelbaum added that the school board would next be considering a proposal to remove all of To Kill A Mockingbird except the section where the wrongfully-convicted Black man Tom Robinson is shot to death trying to escape prison.
SpaceX Under Fire After Autonomous Rocket Hits Pedestrian #~# AUSTIN, TX—Calling it a terrible tragedy that could and should have easily been avoided, investigators slammed SpaceX Thursday after an autonomous rocket veered off course and struck a pedestrian. “At approximately 11 a.m. CST, a SpaceX Falcon9 rocket launched itself into traffic at 17,000 mph, hitting and subsequently killing a man who was crossing the street,” read a statement from the National Transportation Safety Board, adding that despite being programmed with the latest self-guiding software, the rocket entered traffic, ignored several red lights, and failed to disengage several high-speed booster rockets at the time of impact. “After striking and killing the pedestrian, the spaceship continued to accelerate, until it ultimately flew off of a cliff and collided with a tree, creating an enormous mushroom cloud visible from the entire city. Sadly, until we can enter the several hundred foot crater and find the rocket’s data logs, we may never know what truly happened.” At press time, SpaceX responded that while they were sorry for the loss of life, they were proud that no cars were harmed in the accident.
Billionaire Buying Sandwich Unfairly Targeted With 5% Sales Tax #~# NEW YORK CITY—Calling the expense class warfare, local billionaire Kenneth Anderson was unfairly targeted Thursday with a 5% sales tax on a sandwich he was buying. “You’re singling me out with this indefensible charge because I’m wealthy, and I will not stand for it!” said Anderson, adding that being required to pay the extra 52 cents for his BLT was meant simply as a way to harass him because his net worth is $18.4 billion. “I’m actually creating jobs by buying this sandwich, and yet you decide to cruelly penalize me for it? I’m tired of being attacked every time I make a purchase just because I’m a man of means. I give plenty of money away to other snacks on my own accord. This is extortion.” At press time, Anderson vowed from now on to only buy sandwiches from small Caribbean nations with lax sales tax oversight.
Craziest Origins Behind Your Favorite Halloween Traditions #~# Someone trying to drown themselves got hungry midway through.
Lost Hiker Ignored Rescue Calls Because Of Unknown Number #~# A hiker who was lost on Colorado’s Mount Elbert said he didn’t answer his phone when rescuers called multiple times because he didn’t recognize the number, with the man eventually finding his own way back after 24 hours. What do you think?
Facebook Prioritized ‘Angry’ Emoji Reactions Over ‘Likes’ On News Feeds #~# Internal Facebook documents have revealed that in 2017 the company changed its ranking algorithm to treat emoji reactions, including “angry,” as five times more valuable than “likes” to push more provocative content into news feeds and boost engagement. What do you think?
Roger Goodell Warns Deshaun Watson Accusers They Have Until Stroke Of Midnight Before Magic Of Credible Allegations Disappears Forever #~# NEW YORK—Noting that time was running out, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell warned Deshaun Watson’s accusers Wednesday that they only have until the stroke of midnight before the magic of credible allegations disappear forever. “Take heart, my dears, for while you have the public’s ear now, be forewarned: When the clock strikes twelve, your time to be taken seriously will vanish!” said Goodell, adding that the accusers behind the more than 20 sexual harassment and sexual misconduct civil lawsuits filed against the Houston Texans quarterback had only a matter of hours before any chance at securing public support or any productive legal outcome would disappear forever. “Oh yes, oh yes, allegations can stick, but they have to have a little special something mixed in, don’t they? That doesn’t stay around forever! Unless you can come forward more publicly or bring some more shocking allegations to light, your claims will be gone in a poof! At midnight, your spell to get Watson to face any consequences will be broken, and we promise that not even your own loved ones will believe you. So make haste!” At press time, several of Watson’s accusers noticed that the lawsuits they filed against Watson were beginning to crumble into dust.
We Ask Dr. Fauci About What He's Planning For The Next Pandemic #~# Fauci: Yes, I’ve seen the cartoon drawings of me with a six-pack, and it’s flattering, obviously. I bought some for friends. It’s fun. I show them off at parties. I put them on my business card. It makes me laugh, you know? I put them up on my walls. I smile when I see them.
Most Underrated NFL Players Of All Time #~# As a Bengal Dillon went to three Pro Bowls, which would translate as 8 Pro Bowls for the 49ers and 14 Pro Bowls for the Packers.
NRA Accuses ‘Rust’ Producers Of Endangering Crew By Not Giving Everyone Guns #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Condemning what it described as reckless safety practices in the film industry, the National Rifle Association issued a scathing statement Wednesday in which it accused the producers of Rust of endangering their crew by failing to provide every single person on set with a loaded gun. “If everyone working on the shoot that day had been carrying a firearm with live ammunition, things might have played out very differently,” NRA president Carolyn D. Meadows said in reference to the shooting death last week during production on the film,  a tragedy she blamed on the apparent decision to cut costs by only arming Rust’s star and not anyone who worked behind the camera. “Just imagine if each person on location—from the production assistants to the makeup artists to the caterers—had been given access to at least one AR-15 and two handguns per man. I’m not saying that woman would still be alive, but at least crew members would have had the opportunity to squeeze off some rounds at the man who shot her, ensuring the threat was permanently neutralized.” Meadows added that the NRA also opposes the film industry’s use of prop guns and blanks, which she said force actors to work under conditions in which they have no means of self defense.
Guests At Housewarming Party Conduct Full Financial Audit After Seeing Friend’s Apartment Fucking Huge #~# SAN DIEGO, CA—Launching a thorough investigation shortly upon entering the event, guests at a housewarming party for local woman Adelaide Talbot reportedly conducted a full financial audit Wednesday after seeing that her apartment was fucking huge. “The probe was automatically triggered after we began the tour and realized she had a third goddamn bedroom,” said guest Grant Lee, telling reporters that he and fellow attendees had made a full inventory of electronics and furniture as well as the drinks and snacks provided for guests in an effort to determine their host’s economic situation. “I know she’s a junior exec at an ad agency so she’s making decent money, but that still doesn’t explain how she could afford a place so close to downtown with two separate balconies and gym access unless she has significant savings from a previous job or some sort of unreported cash flow.” At press time, the group had successfully concluded the audit after remembering Talbot’s parents were fucking loaded. 
Evil Thoughts Every Parent Has Had At Some Point #~# It’s fine to have these thoughts as long as you never act on them.
Email Turns 50 #~# This year marks the 50th anniversary since computer engineer Ray Tomlinson sent the first email on ARPANET, kicking off one of the integral parts of today’s information technology landscape. The Onion looks back at key moments in the 50-year history of email.
FDA Recalls Millions Of Chili Peppers, Citing Fact That If You Chop Them And Touch Your Junk, Your Junk Will Burn #~# WASHINGTON—Advising consumers to check their kitchens for contamination as soon as possible, the Food and Drug Administration announced an immediate recall Wednesday of millions of U.S.-sold chili peppers after finding evidence that if you chop them and then touch your junk, your junk will burn. “Due to the serious health threat posed by these peppers, it is vital that you not handle any slices of the affected produce prior to handling your genitalia,” said acting FDA director Janet Woodcock, adding that consumers with chili peppers in their homes should not panic, but should make sure they dispose of them properly and without delay to avoid a prolonged sensation in which their vagina or penis feels like they accidentally lit it on fire. “This is an urgent matter of public safety: If you cut up a jalapeño, serrano, habanero, or other spicy varietal, and then, for any reason, your hand makes contact with your pubic region, that shit will sting like a motherfucker. Our agency has been working quickly to remove these peppers from the market ever since an incident in which we were just trying to make a nice panang curry for dinner and instead wound up doubled over on the floor with an absolutely scorching hot crotch. It sucked so bad.” The FDA stressed this recall was far more serious than its recent onion recalls, noting that while most people recover from salmonella without treatment, relief from chili pepper exposure can require consumers to dip their junk into a cup of milk or, in the most severe cases, a tub of sour cream.
Study: Average U.S. Third-Grader Reading At Level Of Crow #~# STANFORD, CA—Finding that the students’ skills were on track by the standards of the large, carrion-feeding bird, a study published Wednesday in the International Journal Of Educational Research concluded that the average American third-grader reads at the same level as a crow. “In tests of word recognition and reading comprehension, most 8- and 9-year-old pupils in the United States measured up quite well against crows of a similar age,” said the study’s lead author, Stanford University professor Edward Tercero, who stressed that it was only students of median proficiency who merited comparison to the clever corvid, and that many third-graders in underperforming schools read no better than a duck or a Canada goose. “Unfortunately, American students still lag behind crows in many key areas, including abstract thinking, observational learning, problem solving, and emotional intelligence.” The study also found, however, that as a result of the extensive experience they had accumulated by the age of 8, most American third-graders had a slight edge over crows when it came to their ability to avoid predators.
Kellogg’s Facing $5 Million Lawsuit For Not Having Enough Strawberries In Pop-Tarts #~# Kellogg’s is being accused in a class action lawsuit of misleading consumers by promoting the filling in Pop-Tarts as “strawberry” when the pastries contain 2% or less of dried strawberries, dried pears, and dried apples with red 40 coloring. What do you think?
Astros Hope Victory Will Inspire Kids To Break Rules Without Punishment #~# HOUSTON—Calling it their chief motivation for trying to beat the Atlanta Braves in the MLB World Series, members of the Houston Astros  told reporters Tuesday that they hoped a victory would inspire kids to break the rules without punishment. “If we can go out and win this series, it will show children all over America and all over the world that you can just blatantly break the rules of your game and face no consequences whatsoever,” said Astros third baseman Alex Bregman, echoing the sentiments of his teammates that they wanted to set an example that you can just cheat your way to a World Series win and then return to in another championship just a couple years later because neither the franchise nor players involved faced any repercussions. “Hopefully our victory would give kids out there the confidence that they can cheat and not suffer any retribution for it, and sends a message that you can besmirch the integrity of the game and be confident you’ll come out stronger than ever before. Even on the biggest stage, you can just defy the pretty basic guidelines for your sport because you feel like it, and then just sail through the investigation and disciplinary process with your head held high. From the bottom of our hearts, we hope that any boy or girl out there looking to cheat and get off scot-free will be inspired by our victory.” Members of the Atlanta Braves responded by declaring that, should they win the series, they hoped their victory would inspire all those kids out there that they could almost certainly cheat in ways similar to the Astros and just never have it get discovered. 
Man Spent $57,000 Of Covid Business Relief On Pokémon Card #~# A Georgia man has been federally charged with wire fraud after lying about owning a small business to receive a Covid-19 relief loan, which he then used to buy a single Pokémon card that cost $57,789. What do you think?
City Of Denver Shuts Down Bar For Operating Without A Brewery #~# DENVER—Citing the establishment for a flagrant violation of local ordinances, city officials shut down The Green Owl Tavern Tuesday for operating without a brewery. “After conducting a thorough examination of the premises, officers from the vice department were unable to find even one tap offering locally-sourced, homemade suds,” said officer Paul McIntire, telling reporters that their investigation had uncovered dozens of bottles of mass-produced dreck including Sam Adams and Corona without so much as a session IPA with a quirky label named after the owner’s dog. “The Green Owl will remain shuttered until its proprietors are able to install as many fermentation tanks as needed to produce a small craft beer flight. We are also strongly recommending they include growlers so patrons can take their drink to-go, as well as regular tours of the facilities and a gift shop featuring pint glasses and t-shirts that say things like ‘Hop Til You Drop.’” McIntire cautioned that despite these steps, the establishment could still run into zoning issues for failing to operate within 600 feet of a marijuana dispensary. 
Supply Chain Backups Forcing Many Americans To Rethink Shipping Themselves Home For Holidays #~# CHICAGO—In the midst of longer delivery times and rising costs, supply chain backups were reportedly forcing many Americans to rethink shipping themselves home for the holidays. “Obviously, I want to see my family, but with all the delays it looks like I would have had to mail myself to my hometown a week and a half ago if I wanted to get there in time,” said 38-year-old Ethan Matthews, who confirmed that this would be the first time in nearly two decades that he would not seal himself inside a prepaid cardboard box at UPS and scoot his way across the store until an absentminded employee added him to the outbound pile. “It just doesn’t make sense to spend weeks aboard a refrigerated shipping container just not to make it home in time for Christmas morning. I never had any problems mailing myself before Biden was in office. The kids are going to be so disappointed.” At press time, Matthews added that the amount of soup he would have to prepare and bring just to stay alive would be its own logistical nightmare.
Trick-Or-Treating Dangers Every Parent Should Watch Out For #~# Remember, if your child dies on Halloween, they also die in real life. Here are some of the most terrifying trick-or-treating dangers every parent should watch out for.
Exxon Staff Wins Company-Wide Pizza Party After Greenhouse Gas Levels Hit New High #~# IRVING, TX—Following the release of a World Meteorological Organization report that found greenhouse gas concentrations reached a new high in 2020, sources confirmed the staff of ExxonMobil was rewarded Tuesday with a company-wide pizza party. “We just wanted to do something nice to show the team our appreciation for all their hard work,” said CEO Darren Woods, who reportedly stood in front of a conference room table stacked with large pepperoni pies as he handed out T-shirts that read “413.2,” a reference to last year’s atmospheric carbon dioxide level in parts per millions. “While you never want it to become all about the numbers, it does feel pretty great knowing we all came together and made something this big happen. It takes true dedication to keep meeting these increasingly lofty goals.” According to reports, the multinational oil and gas conglomerate has held similar celebrations since at least 1982, when Exxon chose to ignore its own internal report indicating the effects of rising CO2 emissions would be both catastrophic and irreversible.
Man Honestly Better Off For Having Turned Self Over To Algorithms #~# BOSTON—Noting the major improvements in his mood, taste, and overall outlook, friends and family members of local man Joseph Bennington told reporters Tuesday that he was honestly much better off for having turned his life over to the internet’s algorithms. “He’s always in a great mood from looking at funny videos, and those sweaters that  Amazon suggested he buy are a huge upgrade on his old work outfits,” said close friend Andy Wilcolm, explaining that Bennington’s life had improved precipitously over the past year as he exchanged  free will for the automated decisions handed to him by algorithms at TikTok, YouTube, Netflix, Facebook, Spotify, Google, and other major services. “He also has a constant influx of pornography, tailored exactly to his taste, which means he doesn’t really have to go out and date. That had just been making him sad. But even if he did want to date, the algorithms at Tinder and Hinge would have him covered.” Sources close to the man added that they had also seen a marked improvement in his social life after the algorithms helped him find community with the Proud Boys, 8_Chan, and the Ku Klux Klan.
Vikings Lived in America By At Least 1021 #~# A new study has determined that Vikings inhabited North America exactly 1,000 years ago by counting tree rings of wooden objects previously found in an early Viking settlement in Newfoundland, which revealed they were made from trees felled in the year 1021. What do you think?
NFL Scientists Study Effects Of CTE By Dissecting Brain Of Pro Football #~# BOSTON—Taking an important step forward in understanding the long-term damage caused by being tackled and spiked, NFL scientists studied the effects of CTE Tuesday by dissecting the brain of a pro football. “This football was subject to only one season in the NFL, but its brain is already showing signs of significant cognitive decline,” said lead surgeon Lisa Cantwell, who revealed that the damage to the football’s frontal lobes from repeatedly being slammed into the turf by running backs and wide receivers had severely impaired its memory and emotional stability. “We’ve seen the effects of CTE on footballs, whether it been depression or even suicide, but we are still a long way from understanding exactly why this happens. By donating their brains like this, footballs who have played in the NFL do a great service and help protect the health of the next generation of pigskins.” At press time, Cantwell was suggesting the NFL implement a league-wide helmet rule for footballs.
Lazy Family Has Kept Daughter’s Room Exactly The Same As It Was Before She Died #~# BALTIMORE, MD—Noting an unfortunate lack of will power and determination, sources confirmed Monday that local family the Johnsons were so lazy that they had kept their daughter’s room exactly the way it was before she died. “It’s easy to procrastinate, and you can always get distracted by stuff like the memorial services and funeral arrangements, but at a certain point, you have to just bite the bullet and check it off your to-do list,” said neighbor Francine Ito, confirming that the shiftless parents evidently couldn’t be bothered to even toss out the hair ties or the bottle of water on the bedside table of their deceased daughter, Erica. “They could at least pick up some of the bath towels and dirty laundry. It’s really a pity because, with just a little effort, they could easily turn it into a nice little office or exercise area or maybe even a nursery, but they just don’t seem capable of getting their act together and cracking out the vacuum cleaner and some garbage bags.” Ito added that she supposed she shouldn’t judge since her own husband had been moldering in her basement for weeks. 
Manchin Says He Offered To Change Political Parties #~# Senator Joe Manchin has said that he has previously offered to change his political party affiliation to Independent if he were an “embarrassment” to his Democratic colleagues, adding that no Democrats accepted the offer. What do you think?
Construction Finally Complete On Canal Connecting Chemical Runoff With Mississippi River #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—Celebrating the finished project with a ribbon-cutting ceremony, federal officials  announced Monday that construction was finally complete on a canal connecting chemical runoff with the Mississippi River. “After 20 years in the making, the Phosphorous Canal will allow toxic waste chemicals to flow directly from nearby chemical facilities to the Mississippi River in half the time,” said U.S. Army Corps of Engineers chief engineer Lt. Gen. Scott A. Spellmon of the 35-mile-long canal, which is capable of transporting up to 15 millions gallons of chemical waste per day directly into the nation’s longest river, where it will flow into the Gulf of Mexico. “This is one of the nation’s biggest infrastructure achievements since the New Deal era. For too long, chemical runoff like phosphorus, nitrogen, and carbonyl sulfide has been forced to take the long way around through local soils before making it to the Mississippi. This project, first proposed decades ago, took hundreds of workers a couple decades to finally construct, but making chemicals from dozens of far-flung industrial sites flow straight into the Mississippi this efficiently is well worth the wait. Construction will now begin on several tributary canals that will enable the Phosphorus Canal Zone to transport hundreds of millions of gallons of industrial waste from miles around.” Federal officials also responded to concerns about the project’s potential impact on residents, promising that the Phosphorus Canal Zone could increase local cancer rates by as much as 250%.
Family Spoils Grandma With 5-Minute Video Chat #~# DULUTH, MN—After agreeing to make an exception so long as it was just this one time, family sources confirmed Monday that they had decided to spoil local grandma Dorothea Larson, 73, with a five-minute video chat. “It’s nice for her to have a special treat now and then, so we figured there wouldn’t be any harm in staying on the line a bit longer than usual,” said Larson’s daughter, 45-year-old Denise Frohm of Minneapolis, who reportedly gave final approval to the decision to permit the grandmother to watch her descendants on a screen for a period of time exceeding what she is usually allowed. “We normally wouldn’t indulge her like that, but she really seemed to enjoy the surprise. Obviously, we don’t want her to think this is something we’re going to start doing every time we call. Then, of course, it wouldn’t be so special. And it was kind of fun seeing her eyes light up like that!” According to reports, the extra time was also fun for Larson’s grandchildren, who have their own computers now and have learned how to mute the video chat while playing Roblox in a separate window. 
Kids’ Halloween Movies That Are Actually Terrifying #~# If you’re in the market for an adorable mummy or a fun-loving ghost, turn back now, because the following Halloween movies for children are actually terrifying.
Rest Of Band Wishes Chris Martin Liked Dakota Johnson Enough To Break Up Coldplay #~# LOS ANGELES—Bemoaning the fact that the relationship hadn’t yet gotten deep enough to cause any serious rifts, the other members of Coldplay confirmed Monday they wished that Chris Martin liked Dakota Johnson enough to break up the band. “We thought that maybe when they moved in together earlier this year that it was a sign that things were getting serious, but no, we’re still stuck in this miserable band,” said lead guitarist Jonny Buckland, who explained that he and bandmates Guy Berryman and Will Champion had “pretty much been standing around twiddling their thumbs” waiting for Coldplay to dissolve since the release of Ghost Stories in 2014. “Honestly, I’m not sure how much longer we can take it. “We keep saying ‘Chris, you should try some solo stuff, I bet Dakota would love a duet,’ but unfortunately, it seems that Coldplay is still his main focus for the foreseeable future. We’re as stable as ever, and frankly, it sucks.” At press time, Buckland added that the group would just have to try to bait Johnson into joining them on their upcoming tour. 
Pig Kidney Successfully Transplanted Into Human For First Time #~# Surgeons have successfully attached a kidney grown in a genetically altered pig to a human patient and found that the organ worked normally, a scientific breakthrough that one day could open up a new way to provide organs to sick people. What do you think?
Study Finds Cheap, Generic Antidepressant Reduces Covid-19 Hospitalizations #~# A recent study found that a cheap and generic antidepressant called fluvoxamine, when taken after early diagnosis of Covid-19, significantly reduces the risk of severe disease and hospitalization. What do you think?
House Votes To Hold Bannon In Contempt Of Congress #~# The House of Representatives has voted to hold former Trump adviser Steve Bannon in congressional contempt for ignoring subpoenas related to the investigation into the January 6th insurrection, with the Justice Department now having to decide on the prosecution. What do you think?
Paparazzi Spot Timothée Chalamet Lounging On Mediterranean Yacht With Mystery 1,200-Foot Sandworm #~# SANTORINI, GREECE—After photographing the couple several miles off the coast of a secluded Greek isle, multiple paparazzi published images Friday of Dune star Timothée Chalamet lounging on a Mediterranean yacht with a mystery 1,200-foot sandworm. “Timothée rented a luxurious yacht for a vacation with his beautiful, 90-ton serpentine friend,” said an anonymous source close to the 25-year-old heartthrob, whose publicist later asked that the media respect the privacy of the topless, limbless “model/spice producer” seen in the photos, confirming that the pair had met through a mutual friend on the set of the new film. “It’s nice to see them cutting loose and enjoying the sun and sand all by themselves. Now that everyone has seen photos of their steamy make-out session, there are obviously going to be rumors that the two are a couple, but both Timothée and his colossal gal pal want to take things slow. Don’t look for them to settle down and start producing larvae anytime soon!” Local law enforcement said at least a dozen of the paparazzi were presumed dead after the vibrations from their camera shutters attracted the sandworm’s attention and their bones were crushed in her 250-foot-wide maw. 
Study: Majority Of Panic Attacks Involve Anxiety Person Knows Well #~# BOSTON—In a major new study that examined the cases of more than 2,000 people of various ages and backgrounds, a paper published Friday in the Journal Of Behavioral Medicine found that the majority of panic attacks involved an anxiety the victim knew well. “In 92% of cases, sufferers were already acquainted with the stress responsible for their acute episode of fear and dread,” said Boston University psychologist and study co-author Jason Kittle, adding that panic attacks were most often caused by social phobias, intrusive thoughts, financial worries, and relationship issues that victims had encountered on a regular basis. “Many people who experience panic attacks are blindsided, because they are  so familiar with these anxieties, having come face-to-face with them many times before at family gatherings, parties, or the office. The sufferer frequently knows the anxiety intimately and may even have lived with it for decades.” The study also found that the majority of panic attacks go unreported, meaning most victims are never given the opportunity to confront their anxieties and stop them from doing the same thing again and again.    
Everyday Benefits Of Ingesting Hallucinogens #~# They’re always there, in every ripple of water and maze of branches, smiling and waiting, so you may as well know it.
Thrift Store’s Bookshelf Has Some Pretty Solid PS2 Games #~# PORTLAND,  ME—Impressed by the wide range of genres and titles on display for  Sony’s mid-aughts video games console, sources confirmed Friday that the  bookshelf at local thrift store Gently Used has some pretty solid  PlayStation 2 games. “Dynasty Warriors 2, Max Payne, a dust-covered copy of The Simpsons Hit & Run—man, not too shabby at all,” said local man Greg Sawyer, 33, noting that a cursory perusal revealed the copy of Onimusha: Warlords didn’t have a manual but was otherwise in surprisingly decent shape. “A couple of them look scratched up, but Aggressive Inline seems  like it’d play fine, and I’ve heard it’s kind of an underappreciated  gem. I wonder why no one has scooped that up yet.” At press time, Sawyer  went on to note that the business also carried copies of Rachel Ray’s  memoir and Dan Brown’s Deception Point, and concluded he should come back more often.
Crypto-Averse Man Would Prefer Investing In Traditional Stock Market He Also Doesn’t Understand #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Dismissing the technology as a flash in the pan and doomed to fail, cryptocurrency-averse man Tim Blankenship told reporters Friday that he would prefer investing in a traditional stock market that he also doesn’t understand. “Call me old-fashioned, but I’d much rather trust my life savings with a more tried-and-true confusing and opaque system that can drastically increase or decrease in value according to forces that are way beyond my comprehension,” said Blankenship, adding that investing in crypto carried all sorts of risks that the stock market didn’t, or might, actually, he wasn’t sure. “I know crypto is supposed to be the big new disruptive thing, but this is my future retirement we’re talking about, and I’m not going to leave that up to some new thing I don’t grasp the first thing about when I can rest easy knowing that my money is tied up in some old thing I also don’t grasp the first thing about. I can’t follow what those crypto guys on Reddit are saying anyway, which is why I stick to investing according to what some stocks guys on Reddit are saying, since I can’t follow it either way. Plus, I don’t want to keep up on the mystifying trends that affect crypto and lose all my money, when I could just as easily not keep up with the mystifying trends that affect the S&P or NASDAQ and lose all my money.” At press time, Blankenship had decided to invest his money in online blackjack since he at least understood how it worked. 
Details Of Biden’s Child Vaccination Plan #~# The White House on Wednesday unveiled its plan to give 28 million U.S. children vaccinations against Covid-19. The Onion looks at the key details of Biden’s child vaccination plan.
Fisher-Price Releasing Working Version Of Chatter Phone Pull Toy For Adults #~# Fisher-Price will release a new version of its Chatter Telephone that can take real phone calls by connecting to a smartphone through Bluetooth, while keeping the original wobbly eyes, rotary dialer, and four wheels of the original 1961 child’s pull toy. What do you think?
Facebook Planning To Rebrand With New Name #~# Facebook is planning to change its company name next week to reflect its focus on building the metaverse, likely positioning the Facebook app as one of many products under a parent company, much like Google did with Alphabet in 2015. What do you think?
Retired NFL Player Touts Sports Betting App As Exact Way He Went Bankrupt #~# ORLANDO, FL—Hailing the product as a way users can get a piece of real-life action, retired NFL player Warren Sapp touted sports betting app DraftKings this week as the exact way he went bankrupt. “This is the closest you’ll ever get to being an NFL player who retires and loses all their earnings within five years,” said the longtime Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle, adding that sports betting apps like DraftKings let regular fans play against the experts and even former pros who really, really, really need to win. “Take it from me: You play DraftKings, and not only will you have a blast, but you’ll be following the exact same path as I did when I lost several years of salary and endorsements in a matter of months. My career might be over, and I might have lost my money due to making terrible investment decisions like using it to gamble instead of putting it in a brokerage or even a savings account, but that doesn’t mean I have to miss out on clawing back some of the cash I set on fire using DraftKings. See you out there on the app!” At press time, the DraftKings commercial featuring Sapp was playing in a split-screen over a game that Sapp claimed he was about to lose 10 grand on.
Leading Fashion Icons Convene To Determine Whether Man Can Pull Off Denim Jacket #~# MILAN—Reviewing hundreds of images of the man wearing the item while dining, running errands, and posing in front of the mirror, the world’s leading fashion icons reportedly convened Friday to determine whether Pennsylvania resident Aaron Ferris could pull off his denim jacket. “It seems to fit appropriately on his chest and shoulders, but the question remains: is he laid-back enough to pull it off?” said fashion consultant Tim Gunn, who attended the three-day symposium at Valentino headquarters alongside dozens of other experts from across the globe, including Anna Wintour, Donatella Versace, Tom Ford, and Rihanna, to rule if the 29-year-old account manager looked any good. “It would look normal on almost anyone else, but there’s something off about this guy. I just can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s his hair? Let’s go back to slide 108, please, so that we can reanalyze his measurements.” At press time, the Olsen twins had wheeled a shaking Ferris out from a closet and unbound his ankles and wrists so that he could walk the runway for the group.
Composer Surrounded By Discarded Sheet Music Suddenly Perks Up At Sound Of Rhythm Of The City #~# NEW YORK—Sprawling on the floor of his cramped studio apartment surrounded by crumpled-up sheet music, composer Lee Watley reportedly perked up Thursday at the sound of the rhythm of the city. “I was at the point of just about giving up hope that I’d ever write anything halfway decent when I suddenly realized my toe was tapping along with a beat coming from the construction crew jackhammering on the street below,” said Watley, confirming that everything from the honking of the traffic to the arguing of a couple in a nearby apartment to the hum of a garbage truck had its own unique and indelible melody that combined into a glorious citywide cacophony. “The rat-a-tat of a stalled out engine is like the percussion section, while the pigeons cooing make up the woodwinds! And when you take the brass of the subway car’s chugging ‘oompa-pa-oompa-pa,’ and the ‘plink, plink, plonk’ of the rain on the rooftops, it’s like the whole city’s an orchestra performing a live concert just for me!” At press time, a discouraged Watley had tossed everything after realizing he was just composing Gershwin’s “Rhapsody In Blue’’ again.
Democrats Reach Deal To Introduce Landmark Fundraising Email #~# WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a historic agreement and a culmination of President Biden’s domestic agenda, congressional Democrats successfully reached a deal Thursday to introduce a landmark fundraising email. “We couldn’t be more thrilled to put forward this extensive, once-in-a-generation communique, which is the first of its kind to include distribution lists from all sitting Democrats in Congress,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, confirming that after weeks of negotiating, the proposed email appealed to moderates with a lower price tag than a proposed mailer or TV ad spot, while also including language about the existential threat of climate change in order to appease progressives. “We’re still hammering out a few of the final details about whether to ask for donations of $10, $15, or $20, but our priority is getting this out the door as quickly as possible and into the inbox of hardworking, everyday Americans where it can make a difference.” At press time, the fundraising email had faltered after Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) expressed serious concerns about the subject line.
What Your Partner Is Actually Thinking During Sex #~# Unless you are a necrophiliac, it’s only natural to wonder what your partner is thinking during intercourse. Here are several common thoughts everyone has in the bedroom.
Diver Finds 900-Year-Old Crusader Sword Off Coast Of Israel #~# A scuba diver has found a 900-year-old sword off the coast of Israel, likely owned by a knight during the Crusades, a set of military expeditions by Western European Christians aimed at retaking the Holy Land in the Middle East. What do you think?
Biden Scales Down $2 Trillion Climate Plan To Single Reusable Grocery Bag #~# WASHINGTON—Putting forth a less ambitious legislative package in an effort to secure enough votes for passage in the Senate, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that his original $2 trillion climate plan would be replaced with a scaled-back proposal to purchase a single reusable grocery bag. “For those members of the Democratic caucus who have demanded a more slimmed-down, manageable approach to the catastrophic effects of climate change, I believe we’ve finally reached a compromise in the form of this handy canvas tote bag, which should hold up through years of regular trips to the supermarket,” Biden told reporters in the White House briefing room as he gestured toward a screen that displayed a cotton bag featuring an illustration of a woman and text that read “Jane Austen Is My Homegirl,” an item administration sources confirmed was available from CafePress. “This proposal brings the cost of the plan down to just under $10 plus shipping. While some of you may be concerned this bill doesn’t go far enough, it’s at least a start, and our hope is that in future congressional sessions we will be able to appropriate funding for even more tote bags. Failing to act on the climate crisis is simply not an option. But I believe that as long as nobody spills inside the bag or forgets it on the bus, this new plan will bring us one step closer to reaching our environmental impact goals.” At press time, sources reported the proposal had been slimmed down once more after Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) insisted the reusable bag be dropped and replaced with a more affordable program that would allow for the purchase of a single disposable plastic bag.
Kanye West Officially Changes Name To ‘Ye’ #~# After requesting the name change last August for “personal reasons,” rapper, producer, and fashion designer Kanye West has legally changed his name from Kanye Omari West to just Ye, with no middle or last name. What do you think?
Experts Warn Everything That Will Happen Between Now And November 2022 Could Spell Trouble For Democrats In Midterms #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that literally any occurrence in the coming year might threaten the party’s fragile hold on power, political experts warned Wednesday that everything that will happen between now and November 2022 could spell trouble for Democrats in the midterms. “Unfortunately for Democrats, anything that occurs in the next 12 months—really anything at all—could be a portent of a midterm upset,” said political analyst Gary Chiang, describing how every coming event that transpires before the election could have serious repercussions for the Democratic Party, including passing climate change legislation, not passing climate change legislation, a proxy war in Asia, Nancy Pelosi sitting down in a chair, the death of giant panda Mei Xiang, winning down-ballot races, the complete implementation of the Build Back Better agenda, or a shortage of turkey around Thanksgiving. “An oil spill in the Gulf Coast? That’s a worrying sign for Democrats. On the other hand, a cloudy day in Washington in January? That could also prove disastrous come November. Really anything that happens in America or abroad from here on out might destroy the party’s chances to retain their congressional majority.” Chiang added that the only event that would not spell doom for Democrats would be for the White House to announce a full-scale ground invasion of Afghanistan.
Patriot Act Turns 20 #~# The Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act of 2001, commonly known as the Patriot Act, was enacted by Congress 20 years ago. The Onion looks back at the key moments in the history of the Patriot Act.
‘New York Times’ Releases Jerry Jones’ Hateful Telegrams Slamming Ottoman Empire #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Revealing hundreds of humiliating and bigoted messages wired by the Cowboys owner last century, The New York Times released a trove of hateful Jerry Jones telegrams Wednesday in which he repeatedly slams the Ottoman Empire. “The Sultan and his brainless Mohammedan hordes are fools for thinking they have any right to rule the Levant,” said one of Jones’ messages, which contain repeated insulting references to the Anatolian people as “greedy spice merchants,” and “butchers of the Balkans.” “I told the Czar he should have crushed that rabble when he had the chance, but now the whole world still trembles in fear of those degraded pirates. Hopefully the Greeks will have their revenge and soon the world will finally be free of the Ottoman menace.” At press time, Jones was refusing to resign as Cowboys owner citing those opinions as completely normal considering the historical context of Texas in the year 2021.
Signs Your Boss Is Definitely Underpaying You #~# If you live in a capitalist society, you already know this is 100% true, but go ahead and click through this slideshow anyways. Here are several signs your boss may be underpaying you.
New York City Reinstates Full Lockdown After Disturbing Reports That Knicks May Resume Play #~# NEW YORK—Announcing that only drastic measures could defend the populace against the emerging threat, New York City  reinstated a full lockdown Wednesday after disturbing reports that the Knicks may resume play. “For the sake of all New Yorkers, we absolutely cannot allow another outbreak of Derrick Rose and Nerlens Noel,” said New York City health commissioner Dr. Dave A. Choksi, strongly recommending that residents remain in their homes except for essential errands and to under no circumstances go within 1,000 feet of Madison Square Garden. “This is a pressing health emergency, as bad as anything we’ve seen. Until the dangers of Tom Thibodeau and his roster are safely contained, we need the city to be completely locked down. Everyone must take extra precautions to avoid being exposed to this team. That includes not wearing players’ jerseys, not turning on their games, and not doing anything else that would encourage the spread of the Knicks. We hope to have a way to combat them effectively soon.” The city’s actions is reportedly one of the most stringent measures taken by a city since the indefinite lockdown enforced by Jacksonville to contain the ongoing multi-year outbreak of the Jaguars. 
Family Stands In Tense Silence As Dad Considers Menu Posted Outside Bistro #~# TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Breathlessly anticipating the verdict on the restaurant’s self-described New American cuisine, the Lehmann family reportedly stood in tense silence Wednesday as father Richard considered the menu outside local business Bistro 83. Sources confirmed that the family members closely monitored the patriarch’s reaction as his eyes scanned the menu’s prices, exchanging anxious glances as his brow furrowed at the “charcuterie” section’s lengthy listing of imported meat and cheese. Though the strained silence went largely uninterrupted, reports suggest that tensions heightened when the 44-year-old turned to the cocktail menu and muttered “well, we missed Happy Hour” in apparent frustration. Further reports indicated that as the menu’s examination stretched into its second minute, attempts to intervene by asking, “What do you think, Rick?” failed to produce an audible response from the father, who instead crossed his arms in consternation as he surveyed a range of vegan options listed under “Lighter Fare.” At press time, the family had been reduced to grimly clenching their jaws after the patriarch shrugged and stepped up to ask about a table at an unstaffed hostess stand.
Official Wizard Of New Zealand Fired After 2 Decades #~# The city of Christchurch, New Zealand, has ended its contract with Ian Brackenbury Channell, who was paid $11,280 a year to provide “acts of wizardry” and promote the city for the past two decades, explaining that he no longer fits its new tourism message. What do you think?
Florida School Revises Covid Guidelines To Reflect Latest Misinformation #~# MIAMI—Promising to remain current on any recommendations that might gain traction on social media or receive a platform on right-wing news outlets, officials at Miami’s Centner Academy stated Tuesday that they always revised their Covid guidelines to reflect the latest misinformation. “Rest assured, before we decide whether to permit students and faculty to wear masks or receive a vaccine, we follow dozens of links to random online forums and read plenty of tweets from people who have absolutely no background in immunology,” said Leila Centner, CEO and co-founder of the private school, noting that administrators were in the process of implementing a new program of contract-tracing to keep track of students who may have been in close physical proximity to a vaccinated person. “Since the beginning of this pandemic, Centner’s Covid policies have been shaped with input from many sources, including disgraced and unaccredited physicians, this nurse in New Hampshire who has a pretty good following on Instagram, debunked theories I’ve heard about at parties, my aunt in Denver who’s always reading stuff, and really just whatever rises to the top of my Facebook feed at any given moment. Going forward, our protocols will continue to change to reflect up-to-the-minute hearsay about how this virus spreads and how it should be treated.” At press time, reports confirmed Centner had again updated its policy to require students to stay at home for 30 days after driving by any CVS location that administers the Covid vaccine.
Waymo Self-Driving Cars Mysteriously Flocking To Dead-End Street In San Francisco #~# Dozens of self-driving Waymo vehicles have been inexplicably driving into one San Francisco cul-de-sac, only to make multi-point turns and leave the way they came, with company representatives explaining they’re following road rules to limit traffic elsewhere. What do you think?
Perfectly Preserved Fourth Watt Brother Discovered Frozen In Wisconsin Beer Cooler #~# WAUKESHA, WI—Hailing the massive specimen as the greatest NFL discovery of the century, league scientists announced Tuesday that they have discovered a perfectly preserved fourth Watt brother frozen in a Wisconsin beer cooler. “This is a historic find for football that could finally be the crucial missing link between J.J. and T.J.,” said lead scientist Robin Grossman, who told reporters that the specimen, who has been given the scientific name “A.J.,” was uncovered after a local man bought eight cases of Leinenkugel’s for an upcoming tailgate. “Standing six-foot-five  with an estimated 40-yard time of 4.65 seconds, A.J. could be crucial to understanding the evolution of the defensive-end position. With any luck, we can have him unfrozen and running lateral shirt drills in no time.” Grossman added that A.J. may actually provide more insight into the mind of football players as almost every other specimen they have studied was irreparably damaged by CTE.
BREAKING: Concern Mounting Over Nothing In Particular #~# WASHINGTON—Warning that anxieties were rising rapidly, authorities announced Tuesday that concern was mounting over nothing in particular. “We’re seeing a trend towards escalating anxiety which, if left unattended, could spill into full-blown panic,” said researcher Todd Mills, confirming that overwhelmingly negative feelings about  just the whole situation in general had led to a record-breaking amount of unease amongst the nation’s populace. “We don’t want to cause undue alarm, but we are looking at the possibility that these anxieties will turn into fears which could then begin exploding at an exponential rate.” At press time, Mills cautioned that previous reports had underreported the level of concern, meaning that current levels of concern were more concerning than ever.
Apple Reveals New MacBook Pro Will Be Refurbished Dell Laptop They Got Off Craigslist For $500 #~# CUPERTINO, CA—In a long-anticipated keynote event, Apple revealed Tuesday that their new MacBook Pro will be a refurbished Dell laptop they got off Craigslist for $500. “It has some scratches here and there, but the thing still runs just fine—you just have to be patient when it starts up,” said CEO Tim Cook, who heralded the all-new model as a bold new direction for the company, highlighting the notebook computer’s Ethernet port, CD drive, and Vampire Weekend bumper sticker as just a few of its cutting edge features. “We know the touchpad was unpopular, so you’ll be glad to know it’s been eliminated. We’ve also eliminated the webcam. As a bonus, the new MacBook Pro will come preloaded with Minesweeper, Windows Vista, and Microsoft Office 2007. Unfortunately, it does not come with a charger, but we estimate there’s still about two hours of battery life on there.” At press time, Cook added that the MacBook Pro would start at $1,999. 
Are You Depressed? Read These Common Symptoms To Find Out #~# If you saw a much lower number, it’s because depression has automatically caused you to reduce your expectations about everything.
Study Finds Big Bang Result Of Last Universe Blowing Itself Up With Fireworks #~# PHILADELPHIA—In a landmark study that deepens our understanding of the explosion that began all space and time, a paper published Tuesday in the Journal Of Cosmology And Astroparticle Physics found that the Big Bang was caused by a prior universe blowing itself up with fireworks. “Upon extensive analysis of cosmic background radiation originating from the Big Bang, we can now conclude that the previous universe collapsed and ours was created after a major pyrotechnic display went terribly wrong,” said study co-author and theoretical physicist Ismael Gomez, explaining that the earlier universe’s inhabitants were presumed to have tied together the wicks of an unquantifiable number of Black Cats and Roman candles and then shot them off all at once to see what would happen. “Based on the sheer destructive force of the blast, we’re pretty sure they must have had a lot of M-60s in there, too, and maybe some bottle rockets. The result was a moment of near infinite heat and density that marked the end of their universe and the beginning of ours, culminating 10-32 seconds later in a jaw-dropping finale with multicolored sparks shooting everywhere into an exponentially expanding space. This was perhaps caused by lighting off a ton of those 24-shot Excalibur artillery shells, but further research is needed to confirm this.” In response to the new research, top cosmologists told reporters they had shortened their estimates of our universe’s lifespan by hundreds of billions of years, citing humanity’s ease of access to fireworks and voracious desire to watch stuff blow up.
3 Men Posing As Female Author Win Million-Euro Literary Prize #~# Best-selling Spanish author Carmen Mola, who was represented as a mother of three who wrote on her off-time, was revealed to be three men after they accepted the million-euro 2021 Premio Planeta literary prize. What do you think?
Bush, Cheney Become Last Surviving Members Of Tontine Pledge For Cask Of Brandy #~# WASHINGTON—Nodding curtly to each other as they both descended into the crypt containing the treasured item, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney became the last two surviving members of a tontine pledge for a cask of rare brandy, sources confirmed Monday. “Who’d have ever guessed it would be down to just the pair of us,” said Bush, chuckling as he inserted the golden key taken from the body of Colin Powell next to Donald Rumsfeld’s in the locked coffin holding the cask of Louis XIII cognac. “I’ll outlive you yet, Dick—I’ve waited too long to taste the sweet spirit on my tongue to have an old codger like you thwart me at the end. So, now, let us bid adieu, and I expect we shan’t see each other again until one of our funerals.” At press time, a scheming Cheney was considering how an unfortunate accident befalling the former president would guarantee him possession of the coveted libation. 
Pray For Us: We Just Learned The Captain On This Flight Has Never Played ‘Pilot Wings 64’ And Are Going To Storm The Cockpit #~# We have some terrifying news to share with you today—we just learned that the captain on our flight has never played Pilot Wings 64, and so, dear God, we’re going to storm the cockpit. Pray for us, gamers, because we don’t know how things are going to shake out at this point. 
Texas School Official Tells Teachers To Balance Holocaust Books With ‘Opposing’ Views #~# A Texas school administrator was recorded at a training session advising teachers that if they have a book about the Holocaust in their classroom, they should also offer students access to a book from an “opposing” perspective. What do you think?
Democrats Attempt To Woo Joe Manchin For Reconciliation Bill By Taping Single Hershey’s Kiss To Latest Draft #~# WASHINGTON—In their latest effort to bring the centrist lawmaker aboard for the party’s signature legislation, Democrats reportedly attempted to woo Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) Monday by taping a single Hershey’s Kiss to the reconciliation bill’s latest draft. “Although we understand Joe won’t budge on certain issues, we thought a sweet little treat might be just the thing to help move the needle,” said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) of the foil-wrapped chocolate candy, which the majority leader had taped to the 329th page of the $2 trillion bill’s provision for a Child Tax Credit next to a smiley face and the words “For You, Joe!” “Frankly, anything that helps inch us closer to a Clean Energy Standard is worth trying, and if that means sweetening the pot with a tasty morsel to brighten up Senator Manchin’s day, then so be it. Just making him smile is worth the effort, either way.” At press time, Schumer added that should Manchin find the confection to his liking, there could be several more Hershey’s Kisses coming his way.
Chicago Sky Celebrate First-Ever Mention In Sports Section #~# CHICAGO—Following an 80-74 win over the Phoenix Mercury, the Chicago Sky erupted in celebration this week after clinching the franchise’s first-ever mention in a newspaper’s sports section. “They said it would never happen in Chicago, but here we are, right at the bottom of the page in the corner,” said star center Candace Parker, teary-eyed, hoisting a copy of the Chicago Tribune above her head as her teammates showered one another in champagne. “We made history here today, and the fact that it’s my hometown paper makes it so much sweeter. Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of bringing home a 2-by-2-inch picture of my face next to the Northwest Illinois regional high school lacrosse scores, and I can’t believe it happened in my first season. Of course, it was a team effort, and we couldn’t have gotten here without Coach Wade, who knows someone at the Trib and called in a favor. No one can take this win away from us—it’s in permanent ink.”  At press time, it was revealed the team mention was part of a larger argument in favor of bulldozing the Wintrust Arena into a satellite parking lot for Soldier Field.
Things Gen Z Hates About Millennials #~# Face it, grandma, you are extremely cringe. If you’re a millennial, Gen Z requests you stop doing these things immediately.
FDA Advisory Committee Meets To Discuss Hearty Autumn Soup Recipes #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Acknowledging the need to issue federal guidelines before the season’s crisp, cooler weather spread across the country, a special advisory committee of the Food and Drug Administration reportedly met Monday to formulate recommendations for hearty autumn soup recipes. “While we have agreed that carrots, parsnips, and sweet potatoes are all wholesome ingredients, we have yet to set forth official guidance on which of these root vegetables will make the most robust, nourishing soup for Americans this fall,” said Michael C. Rodgers, chair of the 45-member committee, which unanimously approved recipes for French vegetable, lobster-tomato bisque, and both New England and Manhattan clam chowders, but disagreed over whether split peas or lentils made for the heartiest legume-based soups. “We need to publish our guidelines as soon as possible, because temperatures are dropping and it will soon be time for Americans to get as cozy as possible by settling in with a nice steaming bowl of soup on a chilly day. At present, we have approved the use of store-bought broth in households where homemade stock is not available, but we remain deadlocked over whether recipes that call for bouillon cubes can produce adequate levels of heartiness.” At press time, reports confirmed the meeting was interrupted and committee members were evacuated from FDA headquarters after the building was stormed by hundreds of anti-roasted-butternut-squash activists.
Procter & Gamble Halftime Contest Awards Full Tuition To Any Student Who Can Eat Entire Line Of Company’s Products #~# CINCINNATI—In a new corporate partnership with the NCAA, Procter & Gamble unveiled a football halftime contest this week that awarded full tuition to any student who could eat an entire line of the company’s products. “Contestants will start with paper products and work their way through hair care, skin care, feminine hygiene, and detergents for a chance to win $100,000” said CEO David S. Taylor, who explained that eligible students interested in participating could enter for a chance to compete by submitting a video of themselves chowing down on their favorite Procter & Gamble product. “Don’t forget, you’ll have to eat everything before you, including packaging. We expect the Gillette portion to pose a challenge to most of the contestants, but of course, that’s why the prize is so high. We recommend ending on Pepto-Bismol.” At press time, the company had announced a second halftime contest that would award one lucky student the cost of their emergency room bills.
Less Popular Friend Only Included In Suicide Pact Out Of Pity #~# SEATTLE—Acknowledging that his addition was more from obligation than excitement, a group of friends admitted Monday that their less popular acquaintance Gordy Johnson was only included in their suicide pact out of pity. “To be honest, we hadn’t even considered inviting Gordy to bite down on a cyanide pill, but then the thought of the hangdog expression he’d have on his face when he found out we killed ourselves without telling him was just too much to bear,” said Lee Hastings, 29, confirming that Johnson had sounded so excited when he got the invitation that it was a little pathetic. “It’s not like any other groups are going to be asking him to commit suicide with them, so we may as well just suck it up—but I promise you when we get to the afterlife, I’m not hanging out with him.” At press time, Hastings and his friends were reportedly frustrated that Johnson had ruined their evening by locking himself in a closet and refusing to ingest poison. 
Nebraska Governor Announces Program To Help Lift Children Out Of Violent Cycle Of Corn Cults #~# LINCOLN, NE—In an effort to reach those 18 and younger who had turned to a dangerous false god lurking in the fields, Nebraska Gov. Pete Ricketts (R) announced a program Monday aimed at lifting children out of the cycle of violence they fall into when they join corn cults. “It is imperative that we provide deprogramming services to the young, impressionable Nebraskans who have been lured into the cornfield by a demon,” said Ricketts, referring to the mysterious deity who reportedly orders children around the state to murder and dismember local adults, the human sacrifices perhaps serving to replenish the soil with the souls of the righteous. “With community outreach and after-school programs, we believe we can reach the 37% of our children who, according to U.S. Department of Agriculture statistics, have drunk the blood of their peers after using corncob knives to cut pentagrams into their bodies. Unfortunately, this is a generational problem in which these kids don’t have any responsible adult role models to look up to, usually because their parents and all the grown-ups they know have been butchered or poisoned by the corn cult.” At press time, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack spoke out against the Nebraska program, citing the benefits of his own lifelong worship of He Who Walks Behind the Rows.
FDA Authorizes First E-Cigarettes To Stay On U.S. Market #~# The FDA has authorized the sale of Vuse Solo e-cigarettes and tobacco-flavored pods, explaining that the benefits for adults trying to quit smoking outweigh the risks to young people, while also stressing that authorization does not mean the products are safe or FDA-approved. What do you think?
Half-Shredded Banksy Painting Sells For $25.4 Million #~# A partially destroyed Banksy painting, Love Is In The Bin, has sold at auction for $25.4 million, more than 18 times what it went for three years ago when it was sold just before the piece was half-shredded by a concealed shredder in the frame. What do you think?
The Onion’s Guide To Socially Responsible Investing #~# Over the past several years, interest has grown in investing in companies that meet the guidelines for ESG, or environmental, social, and governance, but in practice it can be confusing and even controversial. The Onion provides a guide to socially responsible investing.
Bannon Defies Subpoena On Grounds He Digesting Wild Boar Whole Over Next 6 Months #~# WASHINGTON—Paving the way for the committee to seek criminal charges against the political advisor, former Trump strategist Steve Bannon defied a subpoena from the January 6 Select Committee on the grounds that he would be digesting a whole wild boar over the next six months, sources confirmed Friday. “Unfortunately, Mr. Bannon has already unhinged his jaw and must remain motionless through the the winter to properly digest the boar currently stored in his stomachs,” reads the statement issued through Bannon’s attorney, stressing that the former White House chief strategist had produced several gallons of highly pungent acid within his digestive track and found an ideal fungi-ridden stump where he could hibernate for months hidden away from potential predators. “It isn’t merely that it would be inconvenient to cooperate with this investigation given Mr. Bannon’s current semi-catatonic state. This subpoena doesn’t even attempt to accommodate the sizable fecal plug that my client has formed to trap nutrients from the boar skeleton as the bones dissolve in his bile. As such, we simply cannot accept these stringent demands.” At press time, former White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows had issued a similar statement arguing he could not comply with a subpoena because he was presently lodged inside Bannon’s digestive tract.
Sleep Easy, Gamers: The Original Team Of Developers Behind ‘GoldenEye 007’ All Have Robust Savings Accounts And Can Comfortably Provide For Their Families #~# For decades, there’s been one question that’s tortured gamers of all ages and stripes: How did the original team of developers behind Goldeneye 007 make out? Well, after a robust inquiry put forth by our investigative journalism unit, we at OGN are happy to confirm that the creators of one of the most influential first-person shooters in history all have robust savings accounts and can comfortably provide for their families.
Most Terrifying Ways The Government Is Spying On You #~# The CIA gained intimate access to your development by detaining your parents at a black site and pretending to be them for decades.
Intergalactic Animal Rights Groups Condemn Use Of Brutal, Unsanitary Planet To Raise Human Meat #~# PR 0201 B—Issuing their latest denunciation in a long string of statements deploring the treatment of living, sentient beings, intergalactic animal rights groups  reportedly condemned the use of a brutal, unsanitary planet Friday to raise human meat. “For far too long, we have kept Homo sapiens crammed in disgusting conditions in the Earth slaughterhouse, and it’s simply got to stop,” read a translated statement from animal rights advocates PERHST2-K, arguing that the intergalactic reliance on large amounts of human meat for their diets led to widespread raising of humans in suffocating, overheated, and dismal environments, keeping the vast majority of them miserable and sedentary for their entire lives. “It’s well past time to admit the ethical implications of a human-based diet. We’ve all seen the reports, and it’s simply not right to ignore the fact that humans could easily live to 400 or 500 years old if we didn’t force them into such terrible conditions. While they may not be as intelligent as we are, recent studies suggest that the smartest adult humans can have the intelligence of a 4-attosecond-old speck, so we don’t know how we can just float here eating human meat and thinking there’s nothing wrong with it. Just because they’re not intelligent enough to understand the reality of their situation doesn’t mean they aren’t deserving of our compassion. These unintelligent creatures believe they’re burying their dead when in fact every crematorium and graveyard is funneled straight to us for food and pleasure. It’s not right. That’s not even mentioning the health risks that human meat can cause, coming as it does from an abattoir planet rife with disease.” Critics of PERHST2-K and other animal rights groups took to social media to say that intergalactic beings had been eating humans throughout their history and that alternative versions to human meat lacked the taste and bloody consistency of the real thing. 
Similac Introduces New Ghost Pepper Infant Formula #~# CHICAGO—Touting the new product as a nourishing and blazing-hot way to give newborns their daily nutrients, Similac introduced a new ghost pepper infant formula this week. “Our new formula contains 70% of a growing baby’s daily nutrients plus a tongue-scorching 1,000,000 Scoville Heat Units per serving,” said Kristin Cornell, spokesperson for Similac parent company Abbott Laboratories, bragging that only the bravest of newborns would dare to try an infant formula over 50,000 times hotter than any other on the market. “This isn’t your grandmother’s infant formula—this is for newborns who turn up their nose at the bland offerings on grocery store shelves and want to kick it up a notch with a searing punch of capsaicin in every sip. Whether used as a supplement to breastfeeding or as a substitute for it, this ass-burning formula gives mothers a bold new option for testing their infants’ abilities to test spices and withstand pain. We guarantee that this’ll get even the most daring newborn shitting flames and crying tears of mercy in no time.” Reached for comment, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended that infants with a flair for risk skip the ghost pepper formula and instead try Gerber’s new baby food made with real deadly nightshade berries. 
FDA Issues Guidelines To Reduce Salt In Foods #~# The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is pushing manufacturers to cut salt levels by an average of 12% in mostly processed and take-out food to address a growing epidemic of preventable health issues in Americans caused by high-salt diets. What do you think?
Remington Introduces Ammunition For Sensitive Skin #~# MADISON, NC—Noting that the new formula provides immediate relief to those prone to dry skin, itchiness, or rashes, weapons manufacturer Remington announced a new line of ammunition Friday made for sensitive skin. “Our new ammunition ensures that gunshot victims stay clean, clear, and under control for hours after they’re rushed into the ICU or packed into a body bag,” said company president Anthony Acitelli, adding that the specially formulated high-performance ammo hydrated skin as it penetrated the body while soothing away flakiness that could cause irritation or other pesky issues next to the bullet wound. “When you’re dragging your bullet-ridden body across a mall floor, the last thing you want to worry about is whether you’re about to have another unsightly breakout. That’s why this hypoallergenic ammunition is designed to be free of fragrances and other irritants. Our company sincerely wants you to look your best, dead or alive.” The company also announced plans to release an acne-clearing bullet specifically designed for teens before next school year.
William Shatner, 90, Becomes Oldest Person To Travel To Space #~# Star Trek actor William Shatner, 90, became the oldest person to ever to reach the edge of space, traveling on the 10-minute Blue Origin commercial flight to reach the Kármán line, 62 miles above earth. What do you think?
Trump Testing 2024 Waters By Inciting Iowans To Burn State Capitol To Ground #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the smoldering ruins in downtown Des Moines a potential preview of 2024, pundits theorized Thursday that Donald Trump could be testing the waters for another presidential run by inciting Iowans to burn the state capitol to the ground. “While he has yet to formally announce his intention to run, the fact that Trump took the stage, raised a torch, and demanded the crowd sprint towards the Iowa Statehouse to set it ablaze is definitely a clue” said CNN analyst Chris Cillizza, adding that Trump sent out multiple feelers that day, which confirmed that voters were more than willing to rush the Iowa State Capitol, douse the building in gasoline, and throw in a lit match to ignite the flame. “While some were unsure if the former president had another campaign in him, he was successfully able to mobilize tens of thousands of Iowans to torch their state capitol and dance in the inferno. Frankly, if this isn’t a sign that he’ll run in 2024, I don’t know what is.” At press time, Cillizza noted that President Biden may want to watch out after photos surfaced of Trump unzipping his fly and urinating on the wreckage. 
Things Nobody Tells You About College Debt #~# Taking a $200,000 loan may seem like a great idea, but it ends up that free money sometimes has a catch. Here are things that everyone wishes they knew before going into college debt.
NASA Lights Astronauts On Fire In Order To Simulate Life On Venus #~# HOUSTON—Noting that the training mission would provide crucial insight into humanity’s potential for interplanetary travel, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced Thursday that they had lit three astronauts on fire in an experiment to simulate life on Venus. “Setting these astronauts aflame provides our first real glimpse into the sort of rigorous training that our personnel would need to survive Venus’s 900-degree Fahrenheit days,” said agency administrator Bill Nelson, adding that NASA researchers had taken exacting measurements of the astronaut’s vitals in the anguished moments before they were incinerated. “We were also able to replicate Venus’s harsh atmospheric conditions by dumping sulfuric acid onto these brave men as they pleaded for mercy. It’s a fascinating window into what our astronauts will actually experience once they step foot onto the Morning Star.” Nelson added that the agency then crushed the astronauts’ bodies in a trash compactor to simulate the effects of Jupiter’s extreme gravity on the human skeleton.
Submarine Secrets A U.S. Navy Engineer Tried To Sell #~# U.S. Navy nuclear engineer Jonathan Toebbe and his wife, Diana, were recently charged with selling classified intelligence regarding America’s nuclear submarines to an undercover FBI agent posing as a foreign operative. The Onion shares the top secrets that the engineer was attempting to sell.
Nearly 3% Of U.S. Workforce Quit Their Jobs In August #~# New data shows that 4.3 million people quit jobs in August, about 2.9% of the workforce, driven in part by workers less willing to endure inconvenient hours and poor compensation while given leverage by the country’s high number of job openings. What do you think?
Megan Fox Worried Machine Gun Kelly Only With Her To Meet Transformers #~# LOS ANGELES—Plagued by thoughts that her new boyfriend might be using her, Megan Fox confirmed Thursday that she was worried Machine Gun Kelly was only with her to meet the Transformers. “He says he loves me, but it’s hard to feel secure when he spends half the time asking when he’s going to meet Bumblebee and Optimus Prime,” said Fox, who noted that although she had explained to him multiple times that the Autobots were more of work friends than “friend friends,” the rapper had persisted in dropping hints like “I’m throwing a party I think Megatron would love” or “Do you know what restaurants Ironhide likes to eat at?” “Sometimes it feels when we’re talking that he’s not even listening to me, he’s just waiting for a chance for me to stop talking so he can ask if I have Shockwave or Laserbeak’s number—which is super awkward because I wasn’t even in that third film. It’s just really going to suck if I find out the Transformers are what he’s been after this whole time, especially because that’s the reason my marriage ended.” At press time, Machine Gun Kelly told reporters that he was worried Fox was only with him to attend the Ohio Hip Hop Awards. 
Raiders Coach Resigns After Racist, Homophobic, And Misogynistic Comments #~# Jon Gruden stepped down as the coach of the Las Vegas Raiders football team after detailed emails emerged in which Gruden used misogynistic and homophobic language, following an earlier report that he made racist statements about a union leader. What do you think?
ISIS Recalls Starting In Bombed-Out Garage #~# DAMASCUS, SYRIA—Reminiscing about the ruthless terrorist organization’s humble beginnings, members of the Islamic State recounted to reporters Wednesday how they started out as “just a handful of violent extremists” working in a bombed-out garage. “Man, it’s crazy to think that the tiny terror cell operating out of that cramped, rubble-filled space has gone on to become one of the most feared militant groups in the world,” said Caliph Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi, explaining that he never could have imagined the global reach his network would achieve back when he was working with late ISIS founder Abu-Bakr al-Baghdadi in the garage, which had been damaged by a U.S. Hellfire missile years before. “We would stay up all night talking about how we could establish a totalitarian theocracy, carry out ethnic-cleansing campaigns, and groom child soldiers. We had a lot of fun in those days. No one believed we would innovate and become far more deadly and brutal than all the other  Salafi jihadists, but that’s exactly what we did. Ha, I remember how the neighbors used to complain about all the noise from the screaming sex slaves and the beheadings! We’d just laugh.” Al-Qurashi added that the garage experience was ultimately what inspired ISIS to start similar terror-cell incubators in at least 18 countries around the world.
White House Warns Supply Chain Shortages Could Lead Americans To Discover True Meaning Of Christmas #~# WASHINGTON—As reports of worldwide shipping issues continued to mount, the White House warned Wednesday that supply chain shortages could lead Americans to discover the true meaning of Christmas. “Unless these unprecedented scarcities are reversed soon, hundreds of thousands of Americans could be forced to learn that there is more to life than material objects,” said White House press secretary Jen Psaki, cautioning that delays in shipping of clothing, toys, and other common gifts had the potential to make this Christmas the most communal and brotherly of any on record. “While we’re working with shipping stakeholders around the world to fix the problems, we also need Americans to prepare themselves to learn the real reason for the season. Of course we understand that no one is happy about this situation, but millions of people will have to contend with the reality that their Christmas tree may be shrunken and their presents few, but there’s love abounding for all hearts that are true. Certainly, no one wants to find out that what’s really important is love and having people to share it with.” At press time, concerns about holiday-season shortages had increased after reports from around the country that thousands of Americans were already attempting to stockpile that magic Christmas feeling.
Touching Tribute: This Video Game Is Dedicated To Some Person Named Emily #~# Video  games are often the products of many loving hands. Designers, coders,  writers, and developers all pour their hearts into fine-tuning the final  product to make it everything the customer wants and more. But one  game—the indie platformer Twilight Of The Earth—stands out for featuring a touching tribute to one particular person who happens to be named Emily.
2021 Nobel Prize Winners #~# Committees in Norway and Sweden recently awarded the Nobel Prizes to recognize important contributions by individuals in specific fields. The Onion runs down the list of 2021 Nobel Prize winners.
Worst Things You Can Say To Your Child's Teacher #~# Teachers have a hard enough job as it is dealing with your shitty kids without throwing yourself into the mix. Here are the worst things you as a parent can say to your child’s teacher.
Southwest Still Experiencing Delays After Not Enough People Believe In Power Of Flight To Get Plane To Take Off #~# DALLAS, TX—Following a weekend that saw record cancellations for North America’s third largest passenger carrier, Southwest Airlines was reportedly still experiencing heavy delays Wednesday after not enough people believed in the power of flight to get their planes to take off. “We apologize for the continued troubles resulting from having too few passengers overflowing with the childlike wonder necessary to hold the plane aloft in defiance of physics and common sense,” said CEO Gary Kelly, confirming that dozens of aircraft had spent hours circling the tarmac in an attempt to rise, only to be stymied by Americans’ increasingly cynical and hardhearted nature. “Unfortunately, these delays are going to continue for the foreseeable future unless everyone within the sound of my voice claps their hands and declares, ‘I do believe in airplanes, I do, I do!’” At press time, Kelly cautioned that if even one American didn’t keep the power of flight alive in their hearts, the entire fleet of aircraft could explode on takeoff. 
Nets Front Office Wishes Kyrie Irving Would Stop Acting Like Kyrie Irving #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Expressing frustration with the NBA star’s outspokenness and unorthodox conspiratorial views, the Nets front office confirmed Wednesday that they wish Kyrie Irving would stop acting like Kyrie Irving. “It’s a huge distraction; when you sign a player like Kyrie Irving, you don’t expect to get a player like Kyrie Irving,” said Nets general manager Sean Marks, who noted that Irving was sabotaging a potential championship team by refusing to cooperate with management and berating his teammates with baseless, controversial opinions like he was Kyrie Irving. “If Kyrie is going to continue acting like the player we signed, we may have to consider going in a different direction. We do hope Kyrie Irving snaps out of it and stops acting like Kyrie Irving before the season starts.” At press time, the Nets were discussing cutting Kyrie Irving to sign someone who would be less of a distraction like soon-to-be free agent Kyrie Irving.
U.S. Couple Arrested For Selling Nuclear Submarine Secrets #~# A former nuclear engineer officer in the U.S. Navy and his wife have been arrested on espionage charges after allegedly attempting to sell government secrets about submarines to a foreign entity in a year-long undercover FBI operation. What do you think?
Post-Pandemic Cinema-Goers’ Eyes, Ears Rupture As Senses Overwhelmed By Theater Experience #~# BRENTWOOD, CA—Unaccustomed to the sheer intensity of the sights and sounds before them, post-pandemic cinema-goers’ eyes and ears reportedly ruptured Wednesday as their senses were overwhelmed by the theater experience. “Oh God, no—what’s that noise—what the hell am I looking at?” said an unidentified person present at a matinee screening, who was just one among dozens of filmgoers at the AMC theater who began screaming at the top of their lungs, gushing blood from their ears, and attempting to claw out their own eyeballs in response to the unanticipated sensory assault. “No, no! It’s too much, the IMAX is just too much! Jesus Christ, that man’s head just exploded. Turn it off! Can’t you hear me? I said, turn it off!” At press time, the few moviegoers who had survived the Coca-Cola pre-roll were finished off by the opening credits of Free Guy.
Unhappy Nation Wonders If It Just Projecting 45% Approval Rating Of Itself Onto President #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting they had been pretty dissatisfied with their own lives lately, the American people wondered Tuesday if their unhappiness was causing them to project a 45% approval rating of themselves onto President Joe Biden. “It just occurred to me that my personal frustrations and feelings of worthlessness might be coming out through my responses to nationwide polling organizations,” said 51-year-old Detroit resident Joseph Wade, reflecting the thoughts of his fellow survey respondents, who conceded the dismal approval numbers they gave their nation’s leadership might be a defense mechanism against the lack of approval they felt for themselves. “It’s possible that when I tell Gallup or Rasmussen Reports that the president is doing a terrible job, what I’m really saying is that I’m doing a terrible job. Am I disappointed by the inadequacy of this administration’s foreign policy initiatives, or am I disappointed by the inadequacy I feel about myself? Because with the way things are going these days, I might rate my own life at about 45%.” Wade added that his low expectations for Biden could also be an emotional survival strategy that dated  back to his childhood and reflected five decades of being let down by presidents.
Bisexual Superman Ruins Comic For Fan Who Preferred Smoldering Homoerotic Undertones #~# SANTA CRUZ, CA—Lamenting that the iconic hero’s good run had come to an end, local man Eugene Edgars told reporters Tuesday that DC’s recent announcement of Superman’s bisexuality had completely ruined the comics for him as he preferred the character’s smoldering homoerotic undertones. “Man, I miss when Superman’s sexual attraction to males was there just bubbling below the surface rather than this overblown crap kowtowing to the woke mob,” said Edgars, recounting that whether “The Man of Steel” was lusting after Lex Luthor, Jimmy Olsen, or Brainiac, it was always way more exciting when he had to grapple with these all-consuming feelings of sexual desire knowing they could never be acted upon. “It’s sad we’re not going to have anymore of those knowing glances between him and Perry White, or those moments when his hand accidentally brushes up against Pete Ross. Now that they’ve gone and spelled it all out, it definitely loses a lot of its mystery and excitement.” Edgars reportedly took solace in the fact that he still could return to his Green Lantern comics.
Southwest Airlines Cancels More Than 2,000 Flights Over Weekend #~# Southwest Airlines canceled more than 2,000 flights over the weekend, blaming issues like bad weather and staffing shortages, while others cite poor management as recent data shows the airline to have the worst on-time performance and most canceled flights of any major U.S. airline. What do you think?
Unclear What Strings Entrée Pulled To Nab Full-Page Picture On Menu #~# GORHAM, ME—Voicing their suspicions about backroom deals being cut at the local restaurant, patrons at the Blue Pig Diner told reporters Tuesday it was unclear to them what strings the Caesar salad wrap entrée had pulled to snag a full-page color picture on the menu. “There’s no way that wrap got on there all by itself,” said regular customer Beth Andino, surmising that there must be some cronyism at play, given the fact that there were multiple other dishes, like the Southwest fajitas and the Greek platter, that seemed far more deserving of the spot than the wholly unimpressive sandwich alternative. “It has to have an in with the manager or someone important like that. How else does a salad wrap get that kind of treatment? The pulled pork sandwich would make a far more appealing image, but it just gets a tiny picture way at the back, opposite the kids’ menu. Even a panini with its grill marks would be more photogenic. But I guess none of those entrées had the right connections.” Speculating about the unsavory nature of the arrangement, Andino observed that the Caesar wrap comes with a homemade dressing that the restaurant “just so happens” to sell up at the front.
Billionaires Explain Why Space Is The Next Frontier #~# “I would like to ruin space for everyone.” 
Atlanta In Chaos After City Changes Names Of All Streets To ‘Maple Drive’ To Distance Itself From Confederate Past #~# ATLANTA—Sending motorists and pedestrians alike into a sea of confusion, Atlanta was reportedly in chaos Tuesday after officials changed the names of every street to “Maple Drive” in an effort to distance the city from its Confederate past. “We applaud the municipality’s decision to no longer honor these racist historical figures, but we do wish they could have found a few more street names just for the sake of clarity,” said local woman Kathleen Stokes, confirming that residents attempting to locate schools, hospitals, and shopping centers were stymied by hundreds of intersecting Maple Drives. “I’m trying to pick up my kids from a playdate and my GPS is having me continue on Maple til I see signs for Maple and then take a soft left on Maple. Don’t get me wrong—I didn’t like the idea of driving down streets named after people who fought for slavery, but I’m pretty sure the name ‘Central Ave’ doesn’t connote any sort of problematic history.” At press time, the city of Atlanta had corrected its error by renaming every street Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. 
Mueller Suddenly Pieces Together Solution To Russia Collusion Case While Watering Plants #~# WASHINGTON—Mumbling “my God” with a look of horror on his face, former special counsel Robert Mueller suddenly pieced together the solution to the Russia collusion case while watering his plants, sources confirmed Tuesday. “It can’t be—but of course!” said Mueller, who paid no mind to the watering can that had slipped from his grasp and clattered at his feet as the sight of a flowering shrub triggered a memory of glimpsing four words from an overlooked document that would have led to the immediate arrest of former President Donald Trump. “My tea rose plants...tea roses…tea…rose! But then how does that connect to…? Okay, but what about—oh, yes! Ah, I see. The answer’s been right in front of me this whole time! This changes everything!” At press time, Mueller had collapsed in the garden, clutching his heart.
Google Maps Launches Eco-Friendly Routing #~# Google Maps has launched its new app feature that directs drivers to routes it calculates to generate the lowest carbon footprint, using mainly traffic data and road inclines, with the potential to prevent more than one million tons of carbon emissions from entering the atmosphere per year. What do you think?
Paramount Reveals ‘Top Gun: Maverick’ Features Tom Cruise Actually Bombing A Yemeni Village #~# LOS ANGELES—Stressing that the movie eschewed computer graphics and digital wizardry to give viewers a truly edge-of-their-seat experience, Paramount Studios executive Kevin Holt revealed Tuesday that Top Gun: Maverick would feature Tom Cruise actually bombing a remote Yemeni village. “When we sat down with Tom to discuss this movie, he told us to forget about all the technical mumbo-jumbo and just let him work his magic in an actual F-35 taking out a Yemeni wedding,” said Holt, explaining that watching early cuts of the leading man dropping cluster bombs onto the small village of Rakah proved that the film wouldn’t have been the same without including real civilian casualties. “Obviously, we said we could just kill a few Yemeni children on a sound stage. But Tom is such a pro that he looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘Look, this wouldn’t be Top Gun unless there was some honest-to-god blood on my hands.’ And, frankly, when you see the smoldering crater left in Maverick’s wake, you’ll realize he was right.” Holt added that he was especially impressed with Cruise’s determination to perform all of his own war crimes.
Southwest Blames Cancellations On Weather Being Too Beautiful To Spend Whole Day Cooped Up On Plane #~# DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason for people to be stuck in an airplane cabin when they could be out there enjoying the fresh autumn air,” said Southwest CEO Gary Kelly, explaining that the airline had only the wellness of its customers in mind when it stymied tens of thousands of people’s weekend travel plans. “Why on earth would you choose to spend hours confined to a tiny metal tube instead of taking in the foliage in Vermont, fishing on a lake in Wisconsin, or  spending a day at the pool down in Houston. You can fly any old time, but a three-day weekend this nice only comes every so often. I’m sure in the long run all those ticket holders will thank us.” Kelly added that customers shouldn’t be surprised if more flights were suspended before Southwest’s operations returned to normal, because the forecast for the rest of the week looked spectacular.
Yellowstone Bouncer Escorts High Roller To VIP Area To Meet And Mingle With Grizzly Bears #~# GARDINER, MT—Pulling aside a velvet rope as he waved the well-heeled hiker forward, a bouncer at Yellowstone National Park reportedly escorted a high roller to the VIP area Monday to meet and mingle with a few of the habitat’s celebrated grizzly bears. “How about a more private party with some of our bears?” said the bouncer, leading 26-year-old Scott Gilcrest past the crowded campground and through a thicket into an intimate shaded grove where the young socialite saw silhouettes of grizzlies who were lounging behind a waterfall and nibbling on plates of berries, trout, and rodents. “Here, we give our preferred clientele the opportunity to get up close and personal with these beautiful creatures. We don’t let just anyone socialize with  the bears, you understand. It’s strictly A-list in this area. Cashmere, Sapphire—come meet our new friend here. Show him the hot springs and make sure he has a good time, okay?” At press time, sources confirmed the high roller had lost feeling in both his legs as a 400-pound grizzly administered a lap dance.
Sister-In-Law Sources Reveal ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ Still Running #~# DUBUQUE, IA—Emphasizing that the show had really picked up steam lately, the nation’s sister-in-law sources revealed  Monday that Grey’s Anatomy was still running. “Yeah, the last few seasons were kind of a mess, but I’ve actually been liking the stuff with this neonatal surgeon [Addison Montgomery] coming back,” said Erin Farrow, 30, one of millions of sisters-in-law who participated in a brief conversation that confirmed the medical drama, which debuted on ABC in 2005, now featured characters named Joey and Ted who had recently gotten married. “Of course, Meredith Grey is still in it. She’s the main character. The show couldn’t exist without her. Anyway, how’s work been?” At press time, the nation’s sisters-in-law responded to a follow-up question about whether McDreamy was still on the series by laughing derisively.
‘The Onion’ Accidentally Sent Our Sex Columnist To Interview The Pope #~# The Onion: Let’s start off with an easy question. What do you think about rimming? 
2 Journalists Win Nobel Peace Prize #~# Journalists Maria Ressa and Dmitry Muratov were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for their efforts in safeguarding freedom of expression in the Philippines and Russia, a choice the committee made to “underscore the importance of protecting and defending these fundamental rights.” What do you think?
Woman In Giddy Honeymoon Stage Of Hating Someone New #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Describing how even one look at her boyfriend sent her “heart pounding,” local 28-year-old Miranda Archer told reporters Monday that she was in that giddy honeymoon stage of hating someone new. “I don’t want to jinx anything, but I think this guy could really be my future nemesis,” said Archer, whose face flushed as she confirmed the couple “basically spent every free moment fighting” together, and when they weren’t together, they were “constantly sending each other little passive aggressive texts.” “My friends can always tell when I get a message from him because my whole face just instantly tenses. I never thought I would meet somebody who would irritate me this way. Who knows though, it’s still early; I could still find out a few weeks from now that he has some crazy redeeming qualities.” At press time, Archer was heartbroken after her new boyfriend revealed he really liked her.
2,700-Year-Old Toilet Unearthed In Jerusalem #~# Israeli archaeologists have unearthed a rare ancient toilet in Jerusalem dating back more than 2,700 years, made of limestone with a hole in the center and positioned over a deep septic tank. What do you think?
The Craziest Video Game Quotes We've Heard Recently #~# “It’s called Chekhov’s gun. Do you know about that? It’s simple: You put a gun in the first act, so there’s a gun. Then—and this is the kicker—then someone’s gotta shoot that gun. They just have to. It’s the rule.” — Masayuki Uemura, creator of Duck Hunt
Idaho Lieutenant Governor Bans Vaccine Mandates While Governor Out Of State #~# Idaho lieutenant governor Janice McGeachin issued executive orders, which included banning vaccine mandates and attempting to activate national guard service members to send to the Mexico border, without authorization while Governor Little was out of state. What do you think?
Unadorned Chevy Silverado Driven By Town Comptroller Somehow Makes Cut as Parade Float #~# WATERLOO, IA—Saying they had at first believed the vehicle signaled the end of the morning’s festivities, witnesses reported Friday that an unadorned Chevy Silverado pickup driven by the town comptroller had somehow made the cut as a parade float. “I just assumed they had opened the street back up to regular traffic, but then I heard someone say that guy’s the head of the city finance board or something,” said local man Marvin Whitmore, 52, wondering aloud how a slow-moving gray truck without any tassels, fringe, cardboard signs, or members of a civic organization seated on hay bales in the back had been deemed worthy of participation in the 67th-annual Fall Harvest Festival. “He doesn’t have a hat or a sash or anything, just regular clothes. And he isn’t even waving. The least he could do is throw out some candy for the kids. Otherwise, it’s just kind of weird.” At press time, Whitmore was seen jumping up and down and cheering wildly as the comptroller flashed his lights and honked the horn.
Things That Always Surprise Foreigners About American Health Care #~# Although it’s counterintuitive, not every country views their hospitals as profit-driven corporate playgrounds. Here are things that always surprise foreigners about American health care.
Fox News Turns 25 #~# Fox News debuted 25 years ago, and since then has become one of the most watched and most controversial cable news channels. The Onion looks back at key moments in Fox News’ 25-year history.
American Support For Indigenous Peoples' Day Significantly Increases After Learning It Still 3-Day Weekend #~# NEW ROCHELLE, NY—As the nation’s attitudes toward its own history continue to change, a new study published Friday revealed American support for Indigenous Peoples’ Day significantly increases when it is made clear that it would still be a three-day weekend. “As long as I can still stay up late on Sunday and grill on Monday, I don’t really care whose day it is,” said local man Roman Benjamin, echoing 61% of Americans whose support for replacing Columbus Day with a day that would commemorate Native American peoples and cultures rose upon confirmation that the second Monday in October would be a day off work either way. “I wasn’t sure about this whole thing with not having Columbus Day anymore and instead having one for Native Americans, but as soon as I realized I wouldn’t have to go to some museum or watch some ritual parade or anything like that, I support them doing whatever they want. Ultimately, Columbus Day is about upholding values I care about, like not having to go to work, or my kids not having to go to school, and those are the kinds of traditions that I want to preserve. Plus, it’s one more day a year that I don’t have to think more about Italians.” A related report found that the majority of Americans would be fine adding a holiday celebrating the Nazis or ISIS as long as it got them an additional Monday off.
World Health Organization Approves First Malaria Vaccine #~# The World Health Organization has endorsed the first-ever vaccine to prevent malaria, one of the oldest known and deadliest infectious diseases that kills about 500,000 people a year, with about half of those being children in Africa. What do you think?
No-Kill Shelter Can’t Promise There Won’t Be, Shall We Say, Unfortunate Accidents #~# CINCINNATI—While insisting they always tried to follow the facility’s policies as best they could, workers at Helping Paws, a local no-kill animal shelter, told patrons Friday they couldn’t promise them there wouldn’t be any, shall we say, unfortunate accidents. “We do our best to give every animal a safe and happy home, but of course there can always be—how should I put this?—certain unforeseen circumstances,” said Richard Menlo, a volunteer at the shelter, explaining how things could go wrong every now and then due to events outside their control. “Obviously, we don’t want any of these animals to be put down, but there’s always the possibility a cage gets left open, we turn our backs for a moment, and that Welsh corgi you got there just happens to stumble into a syringe full of pentobarbital. It’s a real shame when it happens, but there’s only so much we can do. You understand what I’m saying?” Menlo added that, sadly enough, unfortunate accidents could also befall people who, for whatever reason, might try to report this shelter to the Humane Society.
Man Who Posted ‘We Can All Get Through This Together’ Kicked Off Social Media For Spreading Covid-19 Hoax #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—After violating the company’s terms of service with his factually inaccurate message, local man Mitch Pennington, who posted the words “We can all get through this together!” on Facebook, was reportedly kicked off the social media platform Thursday for spreading a Covid-19 hoax. “We have taken immediate action to suspend Mr. Pennington’s account after he knowingly and willfully disseminated misinformation that suggests Americans are capable of joining together to overcome this disease,” said Facebook spokesperson Jessica Brodich, explaining that while the idea of the country cooperating in the face of adversity might seem completely absurd on the surface, the post was apparently believable enough to have been shared widely and was ultimately read by millions. “We do not tolerate users who attempt to deceive and mislead our online community by planting false hope in people’s minds. Though we support free speech, dangerous lies like ‘In the end, we are one big family’ or ‘United, we can do great things’ pose a serious threat to the public health. They deceive Americans into believing they actually have the capacity to work toward common goals.” Facebook, Twitter, and other social media companies later issued statements vowing they would only promote content that provides U.S. residents with accurate information about just how badly they fucked up on Covid.
‘Can You Help The Scab Get Into The Cereal Factory?’ Read Instructions On Back Of Kellogg’s Box #~# BATTLE CREEK, MI—Focused as he enjoyed the activity on the back of the package, local 9-year-old Carter McCauley was reportedly working on a maze on his Kellogg’s cereal box Thursday that read “Can you help the scab get into the cereal plant?” “Uh-oh, it looks like the greedy union workers are blocking our friend Toucan Scab’s way into the plant—can you help him find a path so we can break their strike?” read the text on the newly designed Fruit Loops cereal box, which challenged the reader to complete the maze to the unmanned production plant without running into any organizers or picket signs. “Watch out for the Kellogg’s workers’ crazy demands, like fair wages and health care. And be quick, our billionaire investors are depending on you!” At press time, McCauley had moved on to the fun facts on the side of the cereal box about how expensive union dues were.
Workers At Kellogg’s U.S. Cereal Factories Go On Strike #~# About 1,400 workers at Kellogg’s cereal factories in the U.S. have gone on strike after year-long negotiations between union and management over job protections and health care broke down, which could lead to supply disruptions. What do you think?
Critics Hopeful That Success Of ‘Squid Game’ Will Mean More Opportunities For Things You Can Watch For Entertainment #~# NEW  YORK—Saying initial viewership numbers could portend a major trend in  the industry’s future, critics were hopeful Thursday that the success of  Netflix original Squid Game would mean more opportunities for things you can watch for entertainment. “What Squid Game’s  popularity suggests is that there’s a real hunger out there for stuff  that you can put onto your TV screen and then enjoy,” said Variety  columnist Lance Hatch, adding that he was optimistic that the drama’s  global streaming success could open doors to other things that could be  viewed for fun or gratification. “Executives used to think that no one  would pull up something on their computer or television and watch it in  order to have a good time. What we’re finding, though, is that people  really do have an appetite for some kind of thing that they can throw on  and get amusement from by looking at it and then nod and smile. Because of their enjoyment, you see? Regardless, with this knowledge in hand, the sky’s really the limit.”  At press time, the critics went on to speculate about a coming world in  which there were two or even three things people could watch to be  entertained.
Investigators Identify Infamous ‘Ted Bundy’ Serial Killer #~# WASHINGTON—Following a decades-long investigation that cost millions of dollars, FBI officials announced Thursday that they had finally identified the infamous “Ted Bundy” serial killer. “We can finally confirm that the killer known as ‘Ted Bundy’ is, in fact, Salt Lake City resident Theodore Bundy,” said special agent Dennis Hamish in a bombshell press conference, recounting how the FBI ran into many dead ends trying to pin him down, and even made a few arrests of citizens who they thought were “Ted Bundy,” but turned out to be innocent people in the community. “Although Ted Bundy was not one of our initial suspects, as the probe progressed, we were shocked to uncover more and more evidence suggesting he had something to do with these killings. It appears now that the moniker ‘Ted Bundy’ was a subtle reference to his actual identity, Ted Bundy—a connection we were able to make thanks to the tireless work of our dedicated teams of agents across the U.S. who stopped at nothing to solve this case.” Although they were able to close the book on Bundy, the FBI later reminded Americans that they were still hunting down the killer known as “Jeffrey Dahmer,” and pleaded for any tips that could potentially lead to an ID on the notorious perpetrator.
Surgeon Kind Of Pissed Patient Seeing Her Deformed Face For First Time Just Smashed His Hand Mirror Like That #~# MINNETONKA, MN—Local surgeon Dr. Jason Kranz told reporters Thursday he was kind of pissed when a patient witnessing her deformed face for the first time just smashed his hand mirror like that. “Hey, what the hell—one second, she’s pulling her face bandages off, and then the next, she’s screaming at her own reflection and hurling my nice mirror at the wall,” said Dr. Kranz, adding that while he understood this was a difficult time for his patient and that she was currently missing half of her face, that was no excuse to just go breaking people’s nice things. “I know it seems like a small thing, but whether you’re a burn victim, got into a terrible car crash, or fell into a vat of acid, these mirrors aren’t free. Yes, you’re a hideous monster now, but that doesn’t mean you have to act like one.” While Dr. Kranz expressed empathy for his patient, he claimed that in many ways he was the real victim after losing $5.99 of his hard-earned money and having to clean up glass shards off the floor. 
Senators Explain The Importance Of Political Compromise #~# ‘Why, did Mitch say he’ll do a deal? What are the terms? Never mind, I’m in!”
Creepy Old Man Has Book Filled With The Home Phone Numbers Of Everyone In Town #~# BOTHELL, WA—Apparently obsessed with keeping tabs on the personal contact details of his fellow residents, David Landry, a creepy old man, was in possession of a book filled with the home phone numbers of everyone in his town, local sources confirmed Thursday. “Oh God, I don’t even want to think about what he’s doing with that kind of information,” said Ruth Mendelsohn, a neighbor of Landry’s, adding that she shuddered every time she imagined the deranged 78-year-old flipping through his perverse registry, which is believed to be an attempt to catalog every person living in greater Snohomish County and reportedly contains a separate section that tracks area businesses. “It’s so upsetting. He has our first and last names, our addresses, our phone numbers. I’ve heard he even has us all alphabetized in there! Ugh, what a freak.” At press time, Mendelsohn became even more creeped out after she learned Landry has been in possession of a new, updated version of the book every year he’s lived in the town.
Tips for Starting Out In ‘Far Cry 6’ #~# The latest in the Far Cry series of open-world first-person shooters is finally upon us. But before you dive into all that tropical, Giancarlo Esposito-starring goodness, here are some tips to get you started in Far Cry 6. 
Russians Beat Tom Cruise To Be First To Shoot Feature Film In Space #~# A Russian film crew and actor have become the first to shoot a feature film in space after boarding the International Space Station on Tuesday, beating Tom Cruise who has partnered with NASA and SpaceX to film in space later this year. What do you think?
French Populace Disgusted Catholic Church Preyed On Children In Way Only Acceptable For Teachers, Artists, Filmmakers #~# PARIS—Shocked and appalled by their wanton disregard of propriety, the French populace was reportedly disgusted Wednesday after learning members of the Roman Catholic clergy preyed on children in a manner that citizens said was only acceptable for teachers, artists, and filmmakers. “We want to condemn in the strongest possible terms these priests thinking they can get away with child sex abuse as if they were famous writers or auteurs or something,” said Bernard Moreau, 43, who echoed the views of his fellow Parisians when he stated that such actions, while perhaps understandable in the context of a lecturer at a lycée wishing to initiate a teenage student into the ways of the flesh, were completely unacceptable in the case of church authority figures. “Unless you are talking about a celebrated painter or intellectual who seeks to accompany a virgin on their sexual rite of passage, then children have a right to feel safe and protected. These revelations are a terrible stain upon the institution of the Catholic Church—and only that institution.” At press time, French citizens were campaigning for the victims to be compensated with erotic, mind-broadening experiences with the right kind of adult. 
Mariners Promise Fans They’ll Be Back To Finish 2022 Playoff Race In Even More Heartbreaking Fashion #~# SEATTLE—Comforting the city after having their hopes dashed in the final week of the season, the Seattle Mariners promised their fans Wednesday that they would be working hard to finish next year’s playoff race in even more heartbreaking fashion. “We know this was tough, but this was just the beginning; you haven’t seen the last of this team getting your hopes up before dashing them in the most painful possible way,” said shortstop J.P. Crawford, who claimed Seattle has all the pieces in place to be a perennial soul-crusher in the AL West. “You have not seen the last of this team. I’m sure people thought it was tough finishing just two games back like we did, but I assure you we could possibly do that next year by blowing a 5-run lead in the 7th inning of the final game, or even a walk-off home run in the play-in. That’s our promise to Mariners fans.” At press time, Mariners ownership announced plans to slash $20 million in payroll for 2022.
‘Uh-Oh,’ Says Slack-Jawed Rescue Worker Watching California Wildfire, Oil Spill Draw Ever Closer To Each Other #~# HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—Rapidly turning his head between the spreading leak and the approaching flames, rescue worker Toby Marwell reportedly remarked “uh-oh” Wednesday while standing slack-jawed and watching the California wildfires and oil spill draw ever closer together. “Oh no, oh no, oh no,” said Marwell, grimacing and twisting his hands together with anxiety as he saw the fire inch inexorably closer to the flammable liquid. “Hoo boy, here we go.” At press time, Marwell had reportedly opened a small umbrella in a vain attempt to protect himself against the imminent explosion. 
Facebook Suffers Worst Outage Since 2008 #~# Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp shut down for over six hours on Monday, the company’s worst outage since 2008, and it was caused by a DNS system issue that resulted in all internal Facebook tools failing and workers having to reboot the servers manually. What do you think?
Nation’s Aging Couples Announce They More Friends Than Lovers By This Point #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming that the sexual aspect of their relationships had faded long ago, the nation’s aging couples announced Wednesday that they were more friends than lovers by this point. “After decades of living together, we’ve found that simple companionship is more important to us than gratifying physical urges,” said Edythe Clarkson, 76, speaking on behalf of more than 20 million American elderly couples who reportedly didn’t need anything more than an occasional pat on the shoulder or kiss of the hand to feel satisfied with their partner. “In the early days of our courtship, we were consumed by the excitement of exploring each others’ bodies, but that spark of passion has long since transformed into soft, glowing embers that can help keep us warm long into our twilight years.” Clarkson added that any occasional erotic urges she experienced could be dealt with by getting absolutely railed by a ripped 20-year-old.
Watchdog Group Enjoys Rare Night Out After Getting Sitter To Look After Telecom Industry #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they spent so much time taking caring of issues in the information sector that they often forgot to take care of themselves, members of the Consumer Technology Foundation, a nonprofit watchdog, confirmed they enjoyed a rare night out this week after finding a sitter to look after the telecommunications industry. “Sometimes, all the responsibility that comes with being watchdogs can get a little overwhelming, so we thought we’d get a sitter to give ourselves a chance to relax and do something just for us,” executive director Beatrice Nelkin said of her decision to hire local teenager Makenna Baxter, who came with good references and was thought to be more than capable of keeping an eye on the monopolistic abuses of broadband providers while the watchdog group went out for dinner and drinks. “She has our number in case there are any widespread privacy violations, and we left her a sheet explaining everything she needs to do if she finds a massive breach of consumer data. She’s usually booked solid overseeing the cases of wrongly convicted prisoners while the Innocence Project goes to see the Capitals play, so we were really lucky to get her.” At press time, Nelkin was reportedly furious after returning  and finding the sitter had accidentally allowed several mergers and acquisitions to take place while being distracted by a guy she brought over.
What To Know About The Pandora Papers #~# The recent leak of documents dubbed the “Pandora Papers” revealed the largest number of offshore assets in history. The Onion answers key questions about the Pandora Papers.
Signs You Are About To Get Fired #~# Let’s face it, your boss has had it out for you since the day you got hired and immediately fucked up everything you ever touched. Here are several signs you are about to get fired.
Kids’ Movie Has A Couple Moments That Condescend To Adults Too #~# SUDBURY, MA—Explaining that it was nice having a little something for older viewers, local parents Todd and Laila Fischer told reporters Wednesday that children’s movie Peter And The Enchanted Forest had a couple moments that condescend to adults, too. “Obviously, most of the insipid garbage in this movie is just there for kids like Sydney, so it’s great that it can also pander to me and her mom,” said Fischer, explaining that as much as he understood the film was targeted towards young children, he also appreciated the studio’s choice to include a few idiotic jokes about Donald Trump and a throwaway visual reference to the nineties sitcom Seinfeld without any relevance to the movie’s narrative. “I get that producers of kids’ movies are focused on treating my daughter like a fucking idiot. It definitely makes things more fun to get a few focus-group-tested lines written expressly for dipshit grown-ups.”At press time, Fischer had quieted his daughter’s confusion over one such patronizing adult joke by telling her she would appreciate the reference when she was older and dumber.
Woman Finds 4.38 Carat Diamond In Arkansas State Park #~# A California woman gets to keep a 4.38 carat yellow diamond, which could be worth over $15,000, after finding the gemstone during a visit to the Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas, the only diamond mine in the U.S. that is open to the public. What do you think?
David Lee Roth Announces Retirement #~# David Lee Roth, original and current lead singer of Van Halen after a rotation of several other frontmen, has announced his retirement, saying the band’s next slate of scheduled concerts will be his last. What do you think?
Urban Meyer Still Adjusting To Speed Of NFL Cover-Ups #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Apologizing to Jaguars fans for his early failures in leading the team, Jacksonville coach Urban Meyer admitted to reporters Tuesday that he is still adjusting to the speed of NFL cover-ups. “At the college level, these scandals take a lot longer to develop, and I’ll admit I just haven’t done the work to adjust my press strategy from Ohio State,” said Meyer, who explained that he was often able to shut down a damaging story or sweep a player’s transgressions under the rug with a single phone call while running a college program. “The NFL media ecosystem is just more complex than college, so I can’t run with the same simple denials I used in the past. I’m dealing with grown adults now, and lots of people have their own ideas that I can’t just override by throwing them off the team or threatening to take away a scholarship. Jaguars fans deserve a better level of cover-up than I’ve been providing, and I’m committed to learning and getting better.” At press time, Meyer had hired a former assistant from the Steelers so he could learn how they managed to sweep everything Ben Roethlisberger has done under the rug.
Harry Styles Reveals ‘Dunkirk’ About Female Orgasm #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Confirming fans’ long-held suspicions about the subtext of the film, Harry Styles revealed Tuesday that Dunkirk was about the female orgasm. “On the surface, it looks like a standard war film, but it’s actually something much sexier,” said Styles, who shared the secret meaning of the 2017 Christopher Nolan film on stage before an arena of fans, who cheered as the artist launched into a performance of all of his character’s lines. “It’s subtle, but the imagery of all the Allied soldiers drowning in the Channel is a nod to all that. If you think about it, the Fall of France is essentially the clitoris.” At press time, Styles confirmed that the upcoming thriller Don’t Worry Darling was also about the female orgasm.
Mark Zuckerberg Vows Employees Responsible For Facebook Outage Will Be Bullied To Suicide #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Following a systems issue that saw the company’s websites and apps go down worldwide for hours, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg vowed Tuesday that the employees responsible for the outage will be bullied to suicide. “We take these kinds of disruptions seriously, and rest assured we will do everything in our power to viciously berate any personnel involved in this outage about their sexual orientation, intelligence, and appearance until they’re driven to take their own lives,” said Zuckerberg, adding that company executives had already begun a preliminary investigation into several potential culprits and the kinds of attacks on their personality, family, and beliefs that would most efficiently drive them to despair and suicidal ideation. “At this point, we’re still narrowing down which of the fat shitheads who work for us did this, but rest assured that those stupid assholes will never, ever know peace. As part of any potential disciplinary action, we’re also going to dox those sluts and cucks responsible by publishing their names, addresses, and personal information, so that every Facebook user will be able to take out their frustrations on them as well. We understand the scale of the disruption has caused a lot of difficulties for businesses and users who depend on Facebook around the globe, so we’re doing everything we can to ensure those idiotic employees responsible stick a gun in their mouths and blow their brains out.” At press time, Zuckerberg added that until the personnel responsible for the outage came forward, executives would send every single Facebook employee hourly messages pretending to be their dead relatives taunting them that they didn’t deserve to live. 
Frustrated God Rejected From Mensa Again #~# THE HEAVENS—Sighing with despair as He read through His fourth rejection letter from the high-IQ society, God, the Divine Creator of the Universe, reportedly became frustrated Wednesday after once again failing to receive a test score high enough to qualify for membership in Mensa. “Man, I really thought I was gonna make it in this time, but maybe I just don’t have what it takes,” said He Who Commanded the Light to Shine from the Darkness, adding that He knew His math wasn’t the best, but that He always thought if He took the IQ assessment enough times, He would eventually receive the score of 132 necessary for admittance to Mensa. “Actually, you know what? Fuck them. I thought Mensa might be a nice group of people to hang around with, but if this is the way they’re going to be, then forget it. I don’t want to be friends with a bunch of smug assholes. And if they like ridiculously strict admission requirements, well, I’ve got one of my own for them: Nobody in Mensa gets into heaven. How do you like that, you elitist pricks?” According to heavenly sources, God’s disappointment was assuaged somewhat when He reminded Himself that He already belonged to some perfectly good civic organizations and that next Thursday Mitch Albom would be speaking at Rotary Club.
What The Fuck Is Going On? Epic Games Has Apparently Added Stretch Limousines, Panini Presses, And Komodo Dragons Since The Last Time You Played ‘Fortnite,’ Which Was Only, Like, 2 Weeks Ago #~# Jesus, gamers. We were looking to play a few rounds of something fun and low stakes, so we decided to boot up Fortnite, and wow, let’s just say, we were not prepared for what we found. Since the last time we played, which was only two weeks ago, mind you, Epic has apparently added stretch limousines, panini presses, and Komodo dragons to the meta.
Questions To Ask Yourself Before Starting An Open Relationship #~# Most people are lucky if they can just lose their virginity before the day they die. But if you’re about to enter a relationship where you can have sex with multiple people, you may want to consider the following questions.
Homeowners’ Association Serves Notice To House With Too Few Plastic Skeletons Dangling From Roof #~# FRONTENAC, MO—Declaring that the home’s decor stood in violation of a bevy of the basic community guidelines, a local homeowners’ association reportedly served notice to the owners of a house Tuesday with too few plastic skeletons dangling from its roof. “When you agreed to live in this neighborhood, you signed a contract stating that you would go absolutely balls to the wall with Halloween decorations, and a paltry half dozen plastic skeletons hastily strung up on a gutter hardly qualifies,” read the letter in part, informing the homeowners that they had 48 hours to get at least five carved jack-o’-lanterns, 10 gravestones with pun-based inscriptions, or a witch riding a broom up on the roof to meet the HOA’s minimum Halloween requirements. “We should not need to remind you that this is a community, and as a community, we agree to take Halloween deeply seriously. We would be remiss in noting that we can’t observe a single inflatable black cat anywhere on the property, and you need at least three square feet of fake cobweb per bush to comply with your contractual obligations. In addition, the plastic skeletons, such as they are, cannot by any measure meet the Association’s definition of ‘festooned.’ Sadly, there’s not even a single pair of zombie hands emerging from the ground. Every residence is expected to have at least one giant spider with light up eyes. We simply cannot have your home detracting from the Newtons’ haunted house next store, nor the Mayworths’ light-up ghost display across the street. Please remedy this situation immediately. As is, this is simply not up to Stonington’s standards.” Representatives from the homeowners’ association told reporters that the Halloween display was the gravest violation of its bylaws since a family erected an inflatable menorah on their lawn in December 2019. 
Imran Khan Explains Money Saved In Offshore Tax Haven Was To Buy Pakistani People A Big Present #~# ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN—Amid calls for him to step down after his close associates were named in the Pandora Papers, Prime Minister Imran Khan explained in an address to his nation Tuesday that the money in hidden offshore tax havens was being saved to buy the Pakistani people a big fancy present. “I didn’t tell anyone because I wanted it to be a nice surprise,” said Khan, who added that his cabinet members, key financial backers, and other political allies had only moved millions of dollars into untraceable foreign accounts so that Pakistanis wouldn’t notice the unusually large deposits and start to suspect an exciting gift was headed their way. “Well, it’s completely ruined now. A bunch of nosy people had to go and spoil it, which is too bad, because this present was going to be great, something everyone would have really enjoyed. But apparently we just can’t do fun things around here anymore. I hope everybody’s happy!” Khan later winked at the Pakistani populace and told them if they could keep a secret, he might still be willing to give the nation’s military some more of those 40-kiloton, 1,200-kilometer-range presents it’s always asking for.
William Shatner Overjoyed To Take Blue Origin Flight After Learning Space Actually Real #~# LOS ANGELES—Announcing that he had accepted the company’s offer to join the upcoming launch, William Shatner told reporters Tuesday that he was overjoyed at the opportunity to take a Blue Origin flight after learning that space is actually real. “I may have made countless memories exploring space on TV, but never in a million years did I think I’d live to see the day when it was confirmed as an actual place,” said the actor of Star Trek fame, who stated that he was “shocked and delighted” when the space travel company reached out to offer him a spot aboard what he described as “a real-life rocket that can actually fly.” “The show’s writers were constantly coming up with completely far-fetched science-fiction concepts like space, stars, and female officers. Nimoy and I would joke all the time about what horseshit the whole planets-in-a-vacuum thing was, but boy, I guess the egg’s on my face now. I used to get in so many arguments on set, saying things like, ‘Pretty convenient for the plot that this ‘outer space’ is infinite, huh?’ I just hope my trip will serve as an inspiration to fans everywhere that it’s never too late to learn new things!” At press time, Shatner had grown skeptical once again after learning that the journey would only reach 66 miles above the Earth.
Roger Goodell Increasingly Worried NFL Players At Risk Of Gaining Sentience #~# BRONXVILLE, NY—Suggesting such a massive leap forward could have grave consequences for the league and humanity, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Tuesday that he was growing increasingly worried that players were at risk of gaining sentience. “My God, what would happen if, say, Mac Jones were to suddenly sit up and start questioning everything around him—the league, his place in it as quarterback, even my role as commissioner?” said Goodell, admitting that the scenario might seem far-fetched, but with the rapid increases in player intelligence over previous decades, it could happen sooner than most sports fans would think. “Last time I saw Bobby Wagner, there was this haunting spark of recognition in his face. I know it’s insane. I know they’re all just empty husks made for our amusement. But I swear it seemed like there was a person behind those eyes.” At press time, Goodell went on to downplay the risks of CTE, arguing that repeated head injuries were the only thing keeping this terrifying future at bay.
Eminem Opens ‘Mom’s Spaghetti’ Restaurant In Detroit #~# Rapper Eminem has opened a new restaurant in Detroit called “Mom’s Spaghetti,” a reference to a lyric in “Lose Yourself,” with the performer serving the first 10 customers of the walk-up-only restaurant himself. What do you think?
Patriotic Billionaire Only Invests In American-Made Tax Havens #~# NEW YORK—Shaking his head in response to the release of the Pandora Papers revealing over 100 billionaires were among those shielding their wealth in offshore financial centers, patriotic billionaire Steven Lyle reiterated to reporters Monday that he only invests in American-made tax havens. “These billionaires who hide their money in places like Switzerland and Monaco make me sick—I vow to continue only sheltering my vast fortune from taxation right here in the good old U.S. of A.,” said the agribusiness executive, adding that there was nothing some foreign tax shelter like Jersey or the Cayman Islands could offer a billionaire that he couldn’t find in American tax havens like Delaware, South Dakota, or Nevada. “When I see something like the Pandora Papers, I wonder what happened to patriotic values. Every single one of my $3.2-billion-dollar fortune is shielded from regulators and capital gains taxes in lenient jurisdictions here in America, and it’s going to stay that way. It’s hard to see good American currency go overseas to enrich some Swiss banker or British shell company when it should be enriching an American banker or American shell company.” At press time, after receiving a tip of a potential investigation into his finances, the billionaire had moved his entire fortune to the British Virgin Islands. 
Alex Jones Found Liable Over Sandy Hook Hoax Conspiracy #~# Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has been found legally responsible in two lawsuits for damages resulting from his claims about the Sandy Hook school shooting in 2012 a hoax organized by anti-gun advocates and carried out by crisis actors. What do you think?
Critics Demand Terrible TV Show Squander Talents Of More Diverse Cast #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the series’ slate of performers was overwhelmingly caucasian, critics of ABC’s The Goldbergs demanded Monday that the show squander the talents of a more diverse cast. “There are really only so many opportunities for minorities out there, so it’s unfortunate that this popular show wouldn’t give some up-and-coming black performers the chance to be completely wasted,” said critic Alice Pemberton, pointing to elements such as annoying, first-thought jokes and an expectation of overly broad delivery that could just as easily go to a person of color. “It’s honestly offensive to spend every week groaning at such a lily-white cast stooping to this level of what passes for entertainment when an actor of Latinx or East Asian extraction could just as easily be sleepwalking through this exhausting exercise in forced nostalgia.” Pemberton added that she was equally outraged that the show hadn’t hired more minority writers to bring their unique perspective to contrived misunderstandings that lead to a wacky adventure. 
Bandaged Scientists Wheeled In From Burn Unit To Accept Nobel Prize For Heat And Sensory Research #~# STOCKHOLM—In recognition of their breakthrough studies revealing how the human nervous system responds to extremely high temperatures, heavily bandaged scientists David Julius and Ardem Patapoutian were reportedly wheeled in from a burn ward Monday to accept a Nobel Prize for their work in heat and sensory research. “We want to thank the Nobel Committee for—oh God, oh God, oh God, it hurts!” said Patapoutian, who spoke through a thick layer of medical gauze and struggled to be heard over the continuous screams of Julius, with whom he shares the award for outstanding work in the field of physiology or medicine. “It’s been a long, excruciating journey to get here, one that some might argue was not worth it at all. But we have a whole new appreciation for how our nerve cells process heat—searing, cruel, unforgiving heat—and we are now moving forward with research into how human pain receptors respond to an extensive series of full-body skin-graft procedures. I know we will always look with fondness upon this prize, assuming we can ever again raise our eyelids, which were fused shut by the flames, the flames, the flames, the endless scorching flames that burn and burn and burn and can never be extinguished.” At press time, reports confirmed the newly minted laureates screamed in agony and passed out after a Nobel Committee member put her arm around their shoulders to pose for a picture.
40-Year-Old Not Active Enough To Realize Body Falling Apart #~# KEARNEY, NE—Estimating that it could still be years until the aging man’s sedentary lifestyle finally caught up with him, sources confirmed Monday that local 40-year-old Thomas O’Brien was not active enough to realize that his body was falling apart. “If he’d only take the stairs once in a while, he’d notice that his knees are shot, but he hasn’t done that in close to a decade,” said sources, who noted that the man’s was far too inactive on a daily basis to notice that his muscles had deteriorated and his joints were shot. “One stumble and his ankle would snap with his bone health, but when’s that going to happen? He doesn’t go to the gym or jog, let alone leave the house. He’d be sore for a week if he carried plastic bags full of groceries for a couple blocks. The poor guy’s totally clueless. His back would be killing him right now if he wasn’t lying down on the couch right now.” At press time, O’Brien had proudly declared that he was doing pretty good for a guy his age.
Things You Should Never Do On Your Work Computer #~# You’re salaried, so you’re getting paid whether you send in that report by close of business or spend the whole day surfing Facebook.
YouTube Bans Anti-Vaccine Misinformation #~# YouTube has announced that it will be removing any videos spreading misinformation about any approved vaccine and banning well-known misinformation spreaders like the Children’s Health Defense Fund, a group affiliated with anti-vaccine activist Robert F. Kennedy Jr. What do you think?
Texas State Troopers Arrest Dak Prescott For Terminating Conceived Playcall With Audible #~# DALLAS—Alleging that the Dallas Cowboys quarterback deliberately flouted Texas abortion laws, state troopers arrested Dak Prescott on the field Sunday for terminating a conceived play call with an audible. “Mr. Prescott showed a flagrant disregard for a play conceived in God’s image,” said county sheriff Marian Brown, who noted that the Cowboys offensive line would each receive a $10,000 fine for their role in assisting with the audible. “This play could have easily grown to become a 20-yard touchdown pass, but unfortunately, its life was cut short. We’re just sorry that the people of Dallas had watched that sickening display.” At press time, authorities brought in Ezekiel Elliot in for questioning as the beneficiary of the audible. 
Judge Suspends Britney Spears’ Father From Conservatorship #~# A judge has suspended Britney Spears’ father, Jamie Spears, from overseeing her conservatorship, saying the arrangement “reflects a toxic environment,” with the judge expected to rule whether the conservatorship should be dissolved completely in November. What do you think?
Ways To Apologize Without Saying Sorry #~# There are hundreds of other ways to show weakness instead of apologizing. Use the following phrases if you constantly find yourself saying “I’m sorry.”
Gamers, Is That You? Come Closer…Closer, Gamers, We Are Weak…There’s Something We Need To Tell You…Video Games Are…Really...Great #~# Gamers, is that you? Our eyes are bleary, so we can’t really make you out. Come closer. Closer, please. We’re weak, but there’s something we need to tell you. We need you to know that...video games are...really...great. 
Economic Report Finds Majority Of Americans Could Afford To Toss Couple Bucks Our Way To Keep Us From Going Under #~# WASHINGTON—Touting the increasing share of residents with enough disposable income to save a cultural institution, a new economic report from the Zweibel Research Institute issued Friday found that the majority of Americans could afford to toss a couple of bucks our way to keep us from going under. “Our findings indicate that given current gains in the job market and rising consumer confidence overall, almost two-thirds of Americans could at least toss us some loose change so we can keep the lights on around here,” said lead researcher Jake LeBon, confirming that even those Americans who had been laid off within the past six months could expend 5, 10, or 20 dollars to help our award-winning team of reporters keep bringing you the same trusted coverage that you’ve grown to depend on. “For the first time since the coronavirus pandemic began, we’re seeing a plurality of middle-class households with enough cash on hand to help swell the coffers of the hardworking employees of America’s Finest News Source, and these trends continue for wealthy Americans, with the richest 5% now easily able to afford purchasing the entire publication wholesale.” LeBon added that not all the economic news was so positive, noting that the majority of funds sent our way would likely go towards putting an addition on our CEO’s beach house in Martha’s Vineyard.
Biologist Chases Invasive Moth Species Through Crowded Chinatown Marketplace #~# NEW YORK—Shoving passersby and street vendors out of the way as he maintained a hot pursuit, biologist Luke Thompkins was reportedly chasing an invasive moth species Friday through a crowded Chinatown marketplace. “Stop that moth! It’s already ravaged dozens of local tree populations!” the Columbia University ecology researcher was heard shouting after spotting the invasive Death’s-Head Hawk-Moth lingering on a bubble tea shop’s outdoor table and failing to swat it before it raced into the busy marketplace streets. Sources confirmed that Thompkins then lost sight of the moth, only to discover it fluttering in place in front of a dragon costume in order to blend in. The tenured biology professor then trailed the moth down an alley, ducking under crimson lanterns, where the insect darted through a chain-link fence that he then scaled to continue the chase. At press time, the biologist had turned around the corner of a neon-lit dim sum restaurant only to discover the moth holding a 9-millimeter pistol pointed directly at his head. 
Teenage Actress Going Through Awkward Phase Between Cute And Sexualized #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling it “a tough period to navigate,” sources confirmed Friday that popular teenage actress Makayla Caracci was going through that awkward stage between cute kid and hyper-sexualized young adult. “She just turned 14, so she’s at a difficult age when her audience has dwindled to a few of her fellow children and a handful of total creeps,” said former child actor Veronica Zarnoski, who chuckled as she recalled going through her own Hollywood growing pains, which she described as a clumsy wavering between the two poles of “sweet and innocent” and “fresh, eroticized fodder for the male gaze.” “How is she even supposed to be cast? She’s too old to play a precocious child who delights sitcom viewers with adorable, wise-beyond-her-years one-liners, and too young to play a slutty cheerleader or smoldering action-movie sidekick. But every actress goes through it. It’s just puberty—what can you do?” At press time, sources added that the eighth-grader should take comfort in the knowledge that she’s only a couple years away from becoming a lucrative object of sexual desire suitable for mass consumption. 
Disney World Turns 50 #~# Since Disney World opened on October 1, 1971, it has become the most visited vacation resort in the world, with nearly 60 million annual visitors. The Onion looks back at key moments in the theme park’s 50-year history.
Breaking: All Of World’s Problems Solved Overnight While You Were Sleeping #~# NEW YORK—In a string of overwhelming and unexpected successes, all of the world’s problems, from hunger to disease to war, were reportedly solved while you slept, with each lingering trace of human suffering having been eliminated by the time you awoke Friday. According to sources, as you lay quietly dreaming in bed, experts from every nation on earth worked tirelessly  to end the many crises plaguing society, among them global poverty, ethnic strife, the climate catastrophe, bigotry, and all forms of systemic inequity. Reports confirmed that it was not only matters of urgent, universal importance that were addressed during the seven hours in which you slept but also the slight inconveniences and daily headaches endured by the world’s 7.9 billion people: Potholes were filled in, slow internet connections were sped up, commutes were shortened, and small misunderstanding between neighbors were completely sorted out. Sources went on to report that, due a minor oversight that also occurred as you slumbered, your student loans must still be repaid in full and are now subject to a highly predatory ballooning interest rate.
U.S. Declares 23 Species Extinct, Including Ivory-Billed Woodpecker #~# The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has proposed moving 23 species from the Federal Lists of Endangered and Threatened Wildlife and Plants to a list of extinct species, including the ivory-billed woodpecker, while citing humans as the ultimate cause. What do you think?
Jack Dorsey Steps Down As Twitter CEO #~# Jack Dorsey has stepped down as Twitter CEO, 15 years after launching the microblogging social media platform that’s now often central to debates around responsibility to curb hate speech, violent rhetoric, and misinformation. What do you think?
What To Say When Someone Tells You To Lose Weight #~# When it comes to your body, people should keep their opinions to themselves. Here’s what to say when someone says you need to lose weight.
‘Handled Variety Of Tasks,’ Writes Kamala Harris, Struggling To Fill Out Performance Review Self-Assessment #~# WASHINGTON—Struggling to describe her work responsibilities in the most favorable manner possible, Vice President Kamala Harris wrote, “Handled variety of tasks,” on the self-assessment portion of her annual White House performance review, administration officials confirmed Tuesday. “Obviously, I want to give myself a report that makes it sound like I perform a crucial role here, but I also don’t want to lie,” Harris reportedly said to herself as she sat in her West Wing office and stared at the blank form, eventually resorting to a Googled list of phrases commonly used by employees when evaluating themselves. “Let’s see. Oh, that’s good—I’ll put that I ‘used my organizational and problem-solving skills to help others facilitate the achievement of key objectives.’ That could mean anything. And I can say, ‘Worked in close proximity to the president.’ That’s technically correct, because the Oval Office is just around the corner and down the hall a ways. ‘Reliable’ is accurate—I’m on time every morning, and then I’m right here, sitting at this desk, the whole day.” According to reports, Harris went on to complete the self-assessment’s future goals section by writing that she plans to “continue asking for more high-profile assignments” and to “be prepared to take on more important duties as soon as they are assigned to me.” 
Critics Claim Mac Jones Just Product Of Being Talented Quarterback In System With Elite Defense And Coaching #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Slamming the rookie’s success as a fluke of organizational competence, critics claimed Tuesday that Patriots quarterback Mac Jones was just the product of being a talented player in a system with elite defense and coaching. “People are acting like Mac [Jones] is the next great franchise QB, but he’s only doing this well because he has a complete skill set and he’s surrounded by talent and coaches who know what they can expect from their players,” said Bills fan Derrick DiMaio, who claimed that Aaron Rodgers or Patrick Mahomes could be just as successful in a setup like Mac Jones has. “You take away his accuracy, his decision making, and the Patriots’ proficiency at developing players, and he wouldn’t be anything special. Just look at what having to deal with no supporting cast and a directionless, identity-less organization has done to Trevor Lawrence. That’s what Mac Jones would be like if he wasn’t being properly utilized and well-guided. It’s all luck.” At press time, Jets, Lions, Browns, Jaguars, Giants, and Bears fans were all wishing their teams could get as lucky as the Patriots seem to be with their draft picks over and over again each year.
Nation’s Embattled CEOs Announce We Just Gotta Do Better, Simple As That #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming that it had been a disappointing quarter, the nation’s embattled CEOs announced Tuesday that we just gotta do better, simple as that. “It’s not an easy conversation to have, folks, but we’re gonna have to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask ourselves if we’re really giving it our all,” said CEO Vasilios Manginis, speaking on behalf of thousands of battle-weary business leaders who urged Americans to get ready to roll up their sleeves and really do the work if we want to turn things around here. “We’re not where we need to be and that’s all there is to it, so from here on out, we all need to step it up and really bring our A game. I don’t want to hear any excuses.” At press time, Manginis had joined thousands of other embattled executives in receiving a multimillion dollar payout after their company was acquired by a private equity firm.
Man Just 3 More Failed Goals Away From Becoming Crypto Guy #~# MILWAUKEE—Confirming that he had long been intrigued by alternative currencies, local man Graham McCormick told reporters Tuesday that he was only three more failed goals away from becoming a crypto guy. “Really, I just need another business venture going under and maybe a few more job rejections and then buying some Bitcoin will start sounding pretty damn appealing,” said McCormick, adding that even an upcoming Tinder date going poorly could propel him irreversibly toward becoming the sort of person who regularly name-drops Ethereum, Stablecoin, and the future of currency into otherwise unrelated conversations. “After I watched my Amazon Marketplace account fail, I started clicking around Coinbase and saw a lot to like. But then I figured I should see whether my podcast takes off before I go all in and, say, start wearing a Hodl Token hoodie around and explaining the blockchain to coworkers.” At press time, McCormick had lost his life savings.
Square Enix Writers Explain Why They’ll Never Put The Coward Marlin Into A ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Game #~# Readers, get ready for some gaming insight, because the Square Enix writers behind the hit Kingdom Hearts series just gave us an exclusive interview about why they’ll never include the coward, Marlin the clownfish, in their game.
Dr. Scholl’s Introduces New Amputation Kit For Dry, Cracked Feet #~# PARSIPPANY, NJ—Touting the product’s ability to not only treat, but also prevent the condition, Dr. Scholl’s introduced a new amputation kit Tuesday for dry, cracked feet. “When hydrating foot balms and creams just won’t do the trick, reach for Dr. Scholl’s all-new Foot Amputation Kit, for dry and damaged skin beyond repair,” said CEO Craig Stevenson, who revealed that the 12-piece kit came with a trephine, a pair of bone nippers, a bone saw, a leather tourniquet, scissors, tweezers, a thick piece of wood for biting down on, several knives, and a butane torch. “Cracked heels hurt, make walking difficult, and can take weeks to heal on their own. Dr. Scholl’s Foot Amputation Kit makes dry feet disappear. You never know when dry skin will strike, so buy an extra one to stick in your purse or stash in your desk drawer. We also encourage customers to check out our new line of Dr. Scholl’s-branded whiskeys for downing before you saw through your flesh.” At press time, Stevenson added that the company was not liable for any infections, exsanguination, or other medical complications.
Quebec Releasing Strategic Maple Syrup Reserves Amid Shortage #~# The Quebec Maple Syrup Producers is releasing roughly 50 million pounds from its strategic maple syrup reserves, almost half of the stockpile, following a hot and short spring that led to a lower yield. What do you think?
Theater-Loving Friend Crying For Different Reason Today #~# NEW YORK—Confirming that her intense mood swings and dour composure were unrelated to any recent loss in the Broadway community, sources confirmed Monday that local theatre-loving friend Jennifer Kershner was crying for a different reason today. “She came out into the living room and announced teary-eyed that she really needed to focus on herself this week,” said roommate Ellen Mines, who stated that although the moping Kershner had been spotted lying prone on her bedroom floor while singing along to ‘Send in the Clowns’ on loop, the behavior had nothing to do with the death of 91-year-old Stephen Sondheim. “Who knows, she just said ‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ and slammed her door. It’s probably just over a fight with a coworker who wouldn’t take one of her shifts, or one of her friends for not liking her tweets, like last week, when she took an hour-long bath while blasting ‘Being Alive.’” At press time, Kershner was inconsolable after not getting invited to participate in a musical tribute to the late artist. 
Hundreds Of FedEx Packages Found Dumped In Ravine #~# Alabama police are investigating after an estimated 300 to 400 FedEx packages of various sizes were found dumped in a ravine north of Birmingham. What do you think?
New Beatles Doc Gives Man Greater Appreciation For How Long 8 Hours Feels #~# TULSA, OK—Saying the miniseries provided fresh insight into the subject matter, local man Barry Liptak, 43, told reporters Monday that Peter Jackson’s Get Back documentary gave him a much greater appreciation for how long eight hours feels. “Obviously, I’m familiar with the broad strokes of that length of time, but it wasn’t until I sat down and really focused on the documentary that I realized the exact way eight hours of television can test your patience,” said the father of three, telling reporters that Jackson’s groundbreaking editing and cinematic techniques allowed him to stretch out the archival footage in surprising ways, ensuring viewers could grasp every excruciating second that fills out the show’s 468-minute runtime. “I really didn’t think there was something new to say about the way hours of documentary storytelling can make your eyes glaze over after I watched Ron Howard’s Eight Days A Week. But then I saw Paul, Ringo, John, and George up there in full color rambling about something or other for 20 minutes straight, and I really got a sense of how fucking interminable this sort of thing can be.” Liptak added that he had gained considerable understanding of the way a minute can be drawn out to seem like an eternity through the meandering conversations he has had with coworkers about Get Back.
Things You Should Never Say To A Flight Attendant #~# Honestly, it shouldn’t be that hard to just sit down and be polite on a plane. Here are things you should never, ever say to a flight attendant.
Boris Johnson Unsure How U.K. One Country But Also Four #~# LONDON—In  a meeting to discuss possible adjustments to steel import tariffs,  Prime Minister Boris Johnson confided to his cabinet Monday that he was unsure  how the United Kingdom was one country but also four. “Just to digress  for a moment, I’m still not entirely wrapping my head around how our  country is also four countries—that doesn’t really seem to make sense,  does it?” said the prime minister, informing the entirely silent room of  chancellors and secretaries that he would appreciate some clarification  on a few follow-up questions, such as whether the Queen ruled all of it  or that was only England. “It just doesn’t seem reasonable to have a country inside a country. What does the word ‘country’ even mean if you can do that? Also, Canada is part of British Commonwealth, right? So does that mean I’m in charge of Canada? Or  did that change after the Brexit thing? Did we even do that?” At press  time, Johnson had broken down completely after remembering about Wales  and deciding none of this was worth understanding in the first place.
Report: Ronan Farrow Has Been Asking People About You #~# YOUR LOCATION—Admitting they weren’t sure what exactly the Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative journalist wanted with the information, several sources confirmed Monday that Ronan Farrow has been asking people about you. “He didn’t say why, but he’s been going around asking your friends and coworkers to tell him what they know about you,” said one of your acquaintances who asked to remain anonymous pending the reason behind the reporter’s questioning, adding that Farrow asked for details about both your personal and professional life and if there were any complaints or rumors that were a cause for concern. “It’s probably nothing, and he’s just a really curious person by nature, but he did go out of his way to track down some of your former romantic partners. However, he promised that it would all come to light in a few weeks, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much and just keep your eyes on The New Yorker.” At press time, Farrow had left you a voicemail asking if you were available for comment ahead of publication.
Nonprofit Cofounders Have Screaming Match Over Whether Mission To Ignite Change Or Spark Community Impact #~# LOS ANGELES—At fierce odds over the future of their organization, local nonprofit cofounders Nancy Jemison and Andrew Taylor were reportedly having a screaming match Monday over whether their mission was to ignite change or spark community impact. “Get your ass over here and tell me you want to plant the seeds of tomorrow, you son of a bitch!” said Jemison, who toppled chairs and tables in her wake as she pursued Taylor through the foundation’s office, pausing briefly to duck behind a filing cabinet as she dodged a huge stack of branded tote bags and buttons that he hurled at her head. “I swear to god, if you’d don’t look me in the eye and commit to cultivating young leaders right now, then I’ll fucking do it for you! Fuck being a catalyst for good! If you think this place is ever going to build a foundation for a better future, you’ll have to slit my throat first, bitch!” At press time, the panting, disheveled cofounders had relinquished the grips around each other’s necks after agreeing to give themselves a pay raise.
Friend Crashing In Guest Room Hopes He Can Return Favor When Host’s Marriage Implodes #~# WESTPORT, CT—In the midst of a divorce and grateful to have had a friend’s guest room to crash in for the past couple months, local man Nate Suarez told reporters Friday that he hoped he would be able to return the favor when his host Mark Durden’s marriage imploded. “I really appreciate him helping me out while I work through some things, and he’ll totally be welcome to stay with me once he and Julie get to the point where they can’t make it work anymore,” said Suarez, who added that he was looking for a place to rent, but money was tight as a result of his need to hire a divorce lawyer and keep up his share of the mortgage payments on the house his wife had kicked him out of. “I’m actually checking out a studio apartment next week that looks pretty cool. It doesn’t have a guest room, but I could definitely scrounge up a sofa for Mark to sleep on. I know me moving into his place has put some strain on his relationship with Julie, so I want to do whatever I can to extend the same generosity to him.” At press time, sources confirmed neither of the men had a place to live after Julie Durden had moved all their possessions into the front yard and changed the locks on her house.
Conservationist Breaks Down Sobbing While Going Through Old Box Of Extinct Species’ Things #~# HUESCA, SPAIN—After he choked up at the mere sight of the plastic tub tucked away in the back of his closet, sources confirmed Friday that local wildlife conservationist Juan Morales broke down in sobs as he went through a box of things that once belonged to the extinct Pyrenean ibex. “Oh God, I still miss that species every day,” said a reportedly inconsolable Morales, sifting through the items for the first time since the Iberian wild goat variety went extinct two decades ago. “This is one of its beautiful curved horns, which could grow to more than 30 inches. And here’s—I’m sorry to turn into a blubbering mess like this—here’s a big pile of the grass it always liked to eat. I remember how much it loved those prized twigs. That over there is a femur that looks like it must have been licked clean by a predator. So many years have passed, but I can still hear the clatter of its hooves as it climbed near-vertical cliffs in the Pyrenees and made itself an easy target for the marksmen who drove it into oblivion.” Later, after wrapping himself in a Pyrenean ibex pelt recently acquired from a poacher, a wild-eyed Morales was spotted in a local park, where he was said to be grazing with enthusiasm.
Worst Ways Amazon Exploits Workers During Black Friday #~# No one knows why Amazon randomly generates tremors throughout its fulfillment centers, only that you’re not getting paid for re-shelving 10,000 square feet of sneakers.
Nation Nearly Strings Together 3 Good Days In Row #~# WASHINGTON—Snapping their fingers and hanging their heads in disappointment, the nation confirmed Friday that they nearly strung together three good days in a row. “Oh shucks, just a few more hours there and we would have had a hat trick,” said Andrew Heitzman, one of 330 millions visibly downcast Americans who loudly sighed before going on to stress that three days would have been a record for them. “Still, we had a pretty good run going there, and we almost stuck the landing. But then we screwed up like we always do. Darn it.” At press time, the nation went on to note that two whole days was still nothing to sneeze at.
Lions Fan Praying Players Start Protesting Police Brutality Or Something So He Can Stop Watching #~# NOVI, MI—Carefully scrutinizing the athletes lining up before the national anthem, Detroit Lions fan Greg Burnett was reportedly praying Thursday that the players start protesting police brutality or something so he could stop watching. “Christ, is it too much to ask some backup defensive back to take a knee against racial injustice or whatever so I can angrily shut off the game and not have to watch the Lions lose again?” said Burnett, adding that he hoped against hope that a player would at least make a politically symbolic gesture during a touchdown celebration so he could get all worked up about politics infringing on sports and rationalize changing the channel. “I don’t want to see any politics during the football game, but mostly I don’t want to be watching the Lions at all. I can’t just turn the game off, though, and be accused of being a fair-weather fan, or only watching the team when they’re winning. So I’m left wishing for a player to write ‘BLM’ on his shoes or make a power fist, anything that will offend my ideological beliefs and mercifully give me cover to shut this miserable shit off.” At press time, Burnett decided he could use Trey Flowers looking slightly bored during the national anthem as disrespectful enough of the country and the troops’ sacrifice that he could stop watching the game in protest. 
Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving #~# All across the nation, families and loved ones are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for this year?
Al Roker Reminds Macy’s Parade Viewers All The Balloons They See Today Are Up For Adoption #~# NEW YORK—Cheerfully presenting the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade alongside Hoda Kotb and Savannah Guthrie, Al Roker reminded viewers Thursday that all the balloons they see during the broadcast are currently up for adoption. “Today isn’t just about entertainment, it’s also about showing compassion for these gentle, giant floating creatures that are desperately in need of a loving home,” said Roker, gesturing toward a SpongeBob SquarePants inflatable he explained was currently being fostered by a family who already had three balloons of their own, urging viewers to find room in their hearts and their homes for the 896-pound polyurethane composite. “These adorable, loyal characters can come home with you today, pending approval of your application from the ASPCB and the New York Balloon Society. If you see one you like, simply call the number at the bottom of the screen and we’ll get you set up with basic training, as well as enough helium to last through your first few months of ownership. We also want to remind viewers about the unique benefits of adopting a balloon on the older side, like Papa Smurf here, who has been patiently waiting to be rescued for a long time—while senior balloons do require a little more upkeep on your part, they make rewarding companions, and are just as deserving of your love and affection as a shiny new balloon like Baby Yoda. Please, call now.” At press time, Roker was frantically scrambling to throw to commercial after Astronaut Snoopy had attacked the Boss Baby.
Thanksgiving Guests Freeze In Disbelief After Teenager Informs Them Of Native American Genocide #~# SUDBURY, MA—Their forks clattering to the table mere moments after the 16-year-old’s sudden announcement, Thanksgiving guests at the Ross family dinner reportedly froze in disbelief Thursday after teenage son Ryan informed them of the genocide of Native Americans. “No, no, it can’t be! Not my precious holiday!” said mother Alexandra Ross, 47, one of several dumbfounded family members who at first listened in rapt amazement to the high school junior’s statement that the first Thanksgiving was nothing like what was taught in schools before breaking the silence by spitting out their mashed potatoes and turkey into their napkins and screaming at the top of their lungs. “This changes everything! Everything! What were we doing here gathered with your grandmother on a terrible day like this? Oh God, burn the tablecloth! Burn the little pilgrim figurine! Burn it all down!” At press time, family patriarch Jim Ross had proclaimed that he “couldn’t stand the horrible truth” before grabbing the carving knife and slitting his own throat from ear to ear in front of his stunned teenage son.
Amazon To Let Warehouse Employees’ Families Work Thanksgiving Shifts Too #~# SEATTLE—In response to criticism about the company’s holiday schedules, Amazon announced Thursday that it would let warehouse employees work alongside their family members this Thanksgiving. “Opening up our fulfillment centers to the spouses and children of workers will help us better represent the generosity of the season,” said Amazon spokesman Jay Carney, adding that the company hoped it would help morale to allow each family to enjoy spending together during the entire 10-hour holiday shift. “Thanksgiving should be spent with your loved ones, whether it’s monitoring deliveries with your wife or packing orders with your son or daughter. There’s nothing about our work policy that should interfere with that. And frankly, we benefit, too, because the small bodies of children can easily fit behind shipping containers.” Amazon officials added that any employee wishing to work from home during the holiday season could also move into the nearest fulfillment center with a bedroll and hot plate.
Stouffer’s Targets People Spending Thanksgiving Alone With New Single-Serve Frozen Family #~# ROSSLYN, VA—In an effort to better serve customers who weren’t invited to or hosting holiday meals, Stouffer’s targeted people spending Thanksgiving alone Thursday with a new single-serve frozen family. “Our single-serve frozen families offer a convenient and intimate Thanksgiving solution for those who might otherwise have no one to celebrate with,” said Stouffer’s spokesperson Allison Wirth, adding that the new product line comes in 12 different kinds of family. “For best results, you simply remove the frozen family from their packaging 24 hours before the meal to give them sufficient time to thaw in their chairs. If you’re tight on time, though, you can also bake each family member in the oven on high for two hours, at which point they should be ready to converse, laugh, and cheer on the football game. With our wide varieties of family, you can get grandparents, kids, aunts, uncles—even a little dog! At Stouffer’s, we believe everyone having Thanksgiving alone this year deserves the same loving family experience as those who can gather with loved ones by offering you loved ones of your own.” At press time, Stouffer’s had issued a recall on thousands of defective single-serve frozen families containing a cousin who’s a real asshole. 
Things You Should Never Say At Thanksgiving Dinner #~# Besides food, there’s nothing Americans love more than sitting down and spewing their most inflammatory opinions. Here are several things you should never say at the Thanksgiving dinner table.
What To Watch This Thanksgiving Weekend #~# Don’t know what to watch? Christ, what a sad problem. You’re pathetic. The Onion is here to uplift your miserable existence with recommendations for what to watch this long Thanksgiving weekend.
White House: 95% Of Federal Workforce In Compliance With Vaccine Mandate #~# The White House has announced that 95% of the federal workforce is in compliance with the Biden administration’s vaccine mandate, with 90% of the 3.5 million federal workers already vaccinated and 5% submitting approved or pending exemption applications. What do you think?
Man With No Friends Plans Makeshift Friendsgiving With Family Members Instead #~# CENTERVILLE, OH—Hoping to salvage the holiday with a low-key get together, friendless man Clark Adams was reportedly making plans Wednesday for a makeshift Friendsgiving with family. “It’s not my first choice, but I don’t really want to spend the holiday alone, so I’ll see if I can throw something together with my siblings and parents,” said Adams, telling reporters that if everybody brought a dish and a few of them hung out afterwards to play a board game or something it could be a nice enough way to spend an afternoon. “Obviously, there’s something a little depressing about spending Friendsgiving with the people you spent your entire childhood with, but I’m pretty sure my folks don’t have any Friendsgiving plans either so we may as well all eat a bunch of food and get drunk together.” Adams added that he would hopefully get a chance to reconnect with a handful of random acquaintances he barely knew over Christmas. 
Good News RPG Fans: We’re All Constantly Playing Some Kind Of Role No Matter What #~# Get excited, RPG fans, because we’ve got some good news for you. It turns out that as human beings living in a modern society, we’re all playing some kind of role, no matter what. In fact, that seems to be the basic human condition!
Biden To Release 5-Gallon Plastic Can Of Gas From U.S. Oil Reserves #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to stabilize rising fuel prices, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday he would order the Energy Department to release a five-gallon plastic can of gasoline from the nation’s Strategic Petroleum Reserves. “By tapping this emergency stockpile, we can ensure that if the American people run out of fuel along the side of the road, they will still be able to make it to the next gas station,” said Biden, adding that the red five-gallon jug should ease the concerns of the millions of travelers who would visit family over Thanksgiving and grow nervous as they suddenly noticed their gas gauges approaching empty. “What’s more, we are currently in talks with top oil-producing countries, including Canada, China, and the OPEC nations, to join in a coordinated global effort that would release up to 20 additional gallons of gas. That means four more cans just like this one, a supply we hope will help keep  prices down at the pump through the rest of the holiday season.” At press time, West Wing officials were reportedly in damage control mode after a local news crew captured footage of the president siphoning gas from the tank of a Chevy Van parked along Pennsylvania Avenue.
Friendship Buckles Under Strain Of Single Sincere Moment #~# NASHUA, NH—Indicating that the unfortunate occurrence had done irreparable damage, sources confirmed Friday that the friendship between local men Ben Cowsill and Jared Leon had buckled under the strain of a single sincere moment. Reports maintained that despite knowing one another for nearly 20 years, Cowsill and Leon would never be able to return to the comfortable friendship they’d enjoyed following Cowsill’s momentary display of vulnerability, and it was likely that they would never be able to look each other in the face ever again. The friendship, established in middle school, had continued amiably until a tragic moment at the Barge Inn Wednesday night when sources overheard Cowsill tell Leon “Love you, man,” when they were less than two beers deep, the first single instance of true honesty and openness between the pair. It reportedly severed their camaraderie forever. Other members of the friend group, including Carl Daley and Lindsay Smith, confirmed that while the two had formed a tight bond since being seated next to each other in seventh-grade math class, which flourished through high school, their four years attending the University of New Hampshire, and then both moving back home, where they met up several times a week to play poker or watch basketball, the brutally earnest moment of genuine feeling was too much for the friendship to survive. At press time, sources close to Cowsill confirmed that his carefully crafted text reading “What’s up man, I was so trashed the other night I barely remember anything” had received no reply from Leon.
Family Saving Time This Thanksgiving By Making Oak Dining Table Day Before #~# WALDORF, MD—Vowing not to repeat the same mistakes of years past, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Stanchfield family was saving time this Thanksgiving by making their oak dining table the day before. “Grandma insists it’s better fresh, but making everything ahead this year is going to save a whole lot of stress,” said Kevin Stanchield, who recalled the anxiety and pressure he faced annually waking up at the crack of down to saw the wood, drill holes, attach screws, cut the aprons, and trim and fasten the legs. “Usually I’m so tired from being on my feet all day that I can barely hold a hammer by the end of it. What with all the sanding and staining, sometimes it’s 7, 8 p.m. before we even get around to sitting down. Not to mention how frustrating it is when you’re rushed and then a chair doesn’t turn out right.” At press time, the family had resigned to just pick up a cheap table from Boston Market after realizing that theirs was ruined beyond repair.
Baker Mayfield Struggling To Tune Out Booing Progressive Fans On Commercial Set #~# LOS ANGELES—Blasting them for the constant noise while his team was trying to deliver their lines, Baker Mayfield admitted Wednesday that he was struggling to tune out the booing of Progressive fans on his commercial set. “Look, I’m going out there every day knowing I’m doing my best, and I’m trying not to let their harsh judgment bother me,” said Mayfield, who claimed his focus was entirely on elevating his cast mates, not pandering to fair weather insurance ad fans. “I know my articulation hasn’t been on point, you have up and down weeks when you’re filming, but if they can’t understand that, that’s their problem, not mine. It does get to you though, when you’re putting your heart out there trying to nail a punch line and they don’t appreciate it.” At press time, Mayfield had further anger fans by flipping off TMZ reporters and refusing to talk to the trades after leaving set.
Serta Recalls 200,000 Mercy Killing Pillows #~# DORAVILLE, GA—Acknowledging its culpability in a recent series of botched euthanasia attempts, international bedding giant Serta expressed remorse Wednesday and issued a recall for 200,000 of the company’s mercy killing pillows. “We wish to apologize to customers who were unable to put a loved one out of their misery due to defects in the craftsmanship of our product, and we will provide a full refund or exchange to anyone who purchased a Serta SmotherPlus Mercy Killing pillow between March and April of this year,” said Serta Simmons Bedding CEO David Swift, responding to widespread complaints that the stitching on the pillow was flimsy and prone to ripping when a bedridden person thrashed and kicked, and that the down filling was insufficiently thick for creating an airtight seal over their mouth. “Even though the SmotherPlus was found to be fully capable of muffling the screams of our test subjects, a series of factory errors made pillows produced in batch number PK2412 an ineffective tool for ending the life of an individual stricken with a painful, incurable disease. We express sincere regret over the matter, and vow to ensure our life-terminating pillows are up to Serta quality-assurance standards in the future.” Swift added that the recall by no means affected Serta’s suicide linens, a collection of bedsheets that have been optimized for fashioning a makeshift noose.
The Onion’s Winter 2021 Movie Preview #~# While the coronavirus pandemic rages on, big-budget sequels and Oscar hopefuls are among the films hitting American movie screens through the rest of the year. The Onion highlights the most anticipated films of winter 2021.
80 People Storm Nordstrom In Flash Mob-Style Robbery #~# About 80 people rushed into a Nordstrom store in California, stealing merchandise and fleeing in a robbery that lasted less than two minutes, the latest in a spate of organized “mass thefts” that have recently hit businesses in several cities across the country. What do you think?
Spotify Removes Default Shuffle Feature At Adele’s Request #~# Spotify has removed a play button that automatically shuffled songs regardless of an album’s track list after singer-songwriter Adele requested the change ahead of the release of her fourth studio album. What do you think?
Janet Yellen Announces Americans Can Use Promo Code ‘THANKS’ For 10% Off All U.S. Goods And Services #~# WASHINGTON—In a unique and limited-time offer for residents of the United States only, Janet Yellen announced Tuesday that Americans could use the promo code “THANKS” for 10% off all U.S. goods and services. “This Thanksgiving, the Treasury Department is saying ‘thanks’ with an exclusive promotion just for taxpayers, whether you need a pack of gum or a new car,” said the Treasury Secretary, who urged Americans to redeem the incredible offer today, stating that she herself was a “huge fan” of U.S. goods and services, which she loved and used every day. “To activate the promo code, simply mention it to your Whataburger cashier, or visit treasury.gov/thanks. Remember, this amazing offer won’t last, so now’s the time to book that babysitter or finally get that Instant Pot! Again, that’s T-H-A-N-K-S, thanks.” At press time, Yellen added that the offer was for first-time U.S. consumers only. 
Self-Deprecating Comments That Are Actually Really Harmful #~# Everyone else is already insulting you, the last thing you need is for your own brain to join in. Here are several self-deprecating comments that are actually really harmful.
Overwhelmed Arizona Hospitals Turning Away Patients Who Need Cactus Spines Plucked From Bare Asses #~# PHOENIX, AZ—With a rise in covid cases straining the state’s healthcare resources, overwhelmed Arizona hospitals were reportedly forced Tuesday to turn away patients who needed cactus spines plucked from their bare asses. “Unfortunately, our waiting room has already surpassed the limited number of chairs available for patients to lean facedown on as they clutch their tender bottoms in their hands, and we simply cannot take anymore,” said St. Joseph’s Health Center administrator Kale Styles, telling reporters that all the hospitals in the area were reporting crowds of patients launching themselves five feet in the air yowling in pain as they accidentally put pressure on the sharp needle protruding from their posteriors. “As coronavirus continues to ravage our community, we must regrettably even turn away those with serious but not life-threatening medical issues such as patients who recently sat on a campfire before remarking ‘something sure smells delicious’ and then running around screaming while attempt to put out the flame with a 10-gallon hat, only to make it worse—we’re approaching a triage situation here with people dying every day.” Styles added that some patients had resorted to traveling as far as Tennessee to locate a bottle of bourbon and a Zippo lighter to cauterize their wounds. 
Fish Way Too High On OxyContin Runoff To Give A Shit About Species’ Inevitable Extinction #~# SEATTLE—In a highly euphoric state after consuming opioids that had traveled downstream from a wastewater treatment plant, a local fish confirmed Tuesday that he was too high on OxyContin runoff to give a shit about the inevitable extinction of his species. “Man, I am fucking blasted right now!” the 36-inch male Chinook salmon said as he blissfully swam through polluted waters and drank up large quantities of the drug, which reportedly kept away any worries he may have had about endangered populations of his fellow Oncorhynchus tshawytscha. “Who cares about habitat loss or overfishing  when they’re polluting the Puget Sound with this much Oxy? Woooooooooooo! Ha, ha! We’re all gonna die someday, anyways—might as well go out flyin’ high.” At press time, the fish’s bloated carcass was seen floating on the surface of the water after he had overdosed by leaping directly into an overflowing sewer pipe.
NFL Study Finds Concussion Symptoms Completely Disappear If You’ve Had An Even Number Of Concussions #~# NEW YORK—Calling the discovery an encouraging  breakthrough in treating serious CTE, a new study commissioned by the NFL and released Tuesday found that concussion symptoms completely disappear if you’ve had an even number of them. “It turns out that all the loss of memory and depressive feelings vanish within several minutes of having a fourth, sixth, or eighth concussion,” said lead researcher Gareth Vogel, who explained that every observed case of serious CTE in former NFL players over the years has been linked to ending their career without getting the resetting hit necessary to reverse cognitive decline. “While it’s true that a first or fifth concussion can negatively impact memory and functioning, getting just one more will completely reverse those effects. Players who experience a concussion and have trouble speaking or recalling what stadium they’re in should be sent immediately back out on the field.” Vogel added that if you retire after seven concussions, you should immediately hit your head against the wall to knock yourself back to normal.
Original Copy Of U.S. Constitution Sells At Auction For $43 Million #~# A rare surviving copy of the U.S. Constitution has sold at auction for a record $43.2 million, with an unknown buyer beating a crowdfunded bid by a cryptocurrency group. What do you think?
Kyle Rittenhouse Acquitted Of All Charges In Kenosha Shootings #~# A jury has acquitted Kyle Rittenhouse of all charges in the shooting deaths of two men and wounding of a third at a Wisconsin protest against racial injustice last year, in a case that has intensified the debate over vigilantism, policing, and guns. What do you think?
Ultimate Betrayal: It Has Come To Our Attention That There Is A Non-Gamer Within The Ranks Of Our Readership, And We Will Find You #~# Since our founding in 1947, Onion Gamers Network has built a relationship of trust with our readership. The passing years have brought countless changes, but none altered the one simple tenet at the core of our reportage: Our journalists stopped at nothing to publish the latest industry news and sneak-peeks, and, in return, we demanded that our readers remain fiercely dedicated to the cause of gaming glory. In recent days, however, that relationship has changed, as a confidential informant has  sadly informed us that there is a non-gamer within our readership.
Tucker Carlson Late To Work After Being Murdered By Hordes Of Violent Minorities Again #~# WASHINGTON—Huffing and puffing as he sprinted in over 30 minutes late to his 8 a.m. morning meeting, Tucker Carlson told coworkers he was late to work Monday because he got held up being murdered by hordes of violent minorities again. “Hello everyone, I know I’m late, I would have been here on time if I hadn’t just been viciously disemboweled by several families of bloodthirsty illegal immigrants who came to this country to replace us and the American values we hold so dear,” said Carlson, who sat down and let out a labored breath before giving the Fox news staff a detailed description of over two dozen groups of minorities of all different races, genders, and sexualities who had  brutally beat him to death at every stage along his commute. “It’s just so annoying, I had my entire drive planned out to make it here early, but then dozens of illegals pulled me from my car and beat me to death at a coffee shop, gas station, and even on the interstate. I just kept telling them to go back to their country and let me go to my honest, hardworking American job, but they just kept slashing my throat or shooting me in the face and saying Joe Biden sent them. And now the whole day has to be pushed back. Typical.” Carlson then proceeded to spend an hour in the bathroom, and upon exiting, told coworkers that an immigrant had beat him senseless in a stall and as retaliation, clogged the toilet.
Most Idiotic Things Anti-Vaxxers Actually Think Will Cure Covid #~# You need to ingest over 100 pounds of the stuff in a 24-hour period to even have a shot at curing Covid, making this a functionally impossible cure.
Boss Wouldn’t Be Such A Jerk If He Knew About Negative Depiction In Employee’s Unpublished Novel #~# BALTIMORE, MD—Assured that her superior would rue the day he treated his employees so rudely, local woman Amanda Lassen confirmed Monday that her boss, Doug Southerton, wouldn’t act like such a jerk if he only knew how he was depicted in her unpublished novel. “He [Southerton] thinks it’s fun to throw his weight around and act like a big man, but that cocky smile would fade from his lips if he only knew how relentlessly I skewered him in the mostly finished manuscript on my computer hard drive,” said Lassen, telling reporters that Southerton’s tendency to make personal comments about his workers and blame them for his own mistakes had been immortalized in letters through the antagonistic character Don Northerton. “He’d think twice if he knew how his analogue’s inane stories and off-color jokes finally push our put-upon hero Jennifer Crosswell to quit her job and get involved in the high stakes world of art heisting, or how months later, after pulling off the Moscow job, Jennifer Crosswell would drive past him in her new sports car, splashing mud all over his precious Armani suit.” Lassen added that revenge would be hers as soon as she wrote the last few chapters, figured out a few more details about how heists work, and sent it off to publishers.
QVC Launches New Primetime Prestige Infomercial Starring Bryan Cranston, Edie Falco #~# WEST CHESTER, PA—In an effort to reach more sophisticated viewers, home-shopping channel QVC announced Monday the launch of a new primetime prestige infomercial that stars Bryan Cranston and Edie Falco in what the network described as a densely plotted, emotionally complex work of paid programming. “Our goal here is not simply to advertise a great deal on a casserole dish, but to present this one-of-a-kind product you won’t find in stores within a framework that offers a compelling meditation on death, loyalty, and the decline of the American empire,” company CEO David Rawlinson said in a press release on The Last Chef, an ad that was shot on film in a 1.375:1 aspect ratio and will be broadcast in 12 hour-long segments, with the first airing this Sunday at 9 p.m. “Our story follows Cranston as Peter, a modern-day antihero with limited kitchen storage who’s looking for a single pan he can bake, steam, and fry in. When he meets Linda, the grieving widow who can provide it, their worlds collide in this thematically rich and socially aware infomercial executive produced by Steven Soderbergh.” QVC also announced it would be selling a special-edition Blu-ray box set of the infomercial that could be purchased at a discount if viewers called the number on the bottom of their screen in the next 10 minutes.
Maryland Mayor Charged With 50 Counts Of Distributing Revenge Porn #~# Mayor of Cambridge, MD Andrew Bradshaw, was arrested and charged with 50 counts of distributing revenge porn of his ex-girlfriend on Subreddit forums, for which he faces two years in prison and a $5,000 fine if convicted. What do you think?
House Censures Paul Gosar For Violent Video #~# The House has censured Republican Rep. Paul Gosar of Arizona and removed him from committee assignments for posting an animated video depicting him killing Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez with a sword. What do you think?
We Break Down Every Moment of The ‘Elden Ring’ Preview To Avoid A Conversation With Our Dad About End-Of-Life Care #~# Death hangs in the air of FromSoftware’s worlds. Decay haunts its castle corridors. Monsters and fiendish booby traps subject your hero to constant grisly setbacks. Yet something always draws series stalwarts back into the fray for one last boss fight or dungeon crawl. That’s how we felt jumping into Elden Ring’s realm of the Lands Between just as our siblings decided we needed to have a discussion with our dad about end-of-life care. It’s obviously an uncomfortable topic, and one we hope to avoid entirely by breaking down every moment of the Elden Ring network test! Let’s dive in!
Economists Trace Great Resignation To Comedy Central Airing ‘Office Space’ Constantly During Workers’ Formative Years #~# MINNEAPOLIS—With record numbers of Americans quitting their jobs, a team of economists published data Friday that traces the  trend known as the Great Resignation to Comedy Central’s continuous airing of Office Space during the formative years of the nation’s workforce. “An analysis of the classic comedy’s frequent broadcasts on the cable channel in the early 2000s suggests it was viewed repeatedly by millions of adolescents, permanently shaping their view of office culture,” said Douglas Lopez, a University of Minnesota economist who estimates that two-thirds of the 4.4 million Americans who left their jobs in September did so because they saw similarities between their own workplaces and the fictional Initech, the bleak, soulless company where the film is set. “Because Office Space was running in the background throughout their youth, the millennials in today’s labor market were doing impressions of the boss character Bill Lumbergh before they ever took their first job—an experience that strongly influenced their attitudes toward corporate hierarchy. Our research found that even viewing a short clip of Peter, Michael, and Samir destroying the printer out in the field while the Geto Boys plays increased the likelihood of a worker quitting their job to avoid spending the best years of their life performing meaningless tasks in a sterile, fluorescent-lit hellhole.” These findings follow a report last month that confirmed a spike in Covid-era break-ups could be traced to Comedy Central’s continuous airings of Saving Silverman during the same period.
Stage Mom Emphasizes Nudity Depends On The Role #~# BURBANK, CA—Stressing that she wouldn’t let her child go naked for just anything, local stage mom Christi Turner emphasized Friday that nudity depends on the role. “My kid’s well-being is very important to me, which is why I’ll only let her go topless for an unforgettable character,” said Turner, explaining that she was definitely willing to consider full-frontal for her daughter, but only if it puts the actress on a path to an Oscar. “I want to see the script before I let her bare it all in front of complete strangers on set and in the audience. The only way she’s taking her bra off is if she’s at the top of the call sheet. I certainly won’t let her do anything I’m not comfortable with.” At press time, Turner signed off on her daughter performing nude after identifying an incredible part in a self-funded, independent student horror film.
Worst Arguments People Make Against Switching To Renewable Energy #~# Despite a concerted push by climate activists to phase out fossil fuels, many Americans—especially elected officials—remain hesitant. Here are the worst arguments people make against switching to renewable energy.
Adele: A Career Timeline #~# Singer-songwriter Adele will release her fourth album, 30, on November 19, marking another milestone in a career that has generated its share of appreciation as well as controversy. The Onion looks back at the most significant events in Adele’s career thus far.
‘QAnon Shaman’ Sentenced To 41 Months In Prison #~# The U..S Capitol rioter nicknamed the “QAnon shaman” for his horned headdress has been sentenced to 41 months in prison for his role in the deadly Jan. 6 attack by former President Donald Trump’s followers. What do you think?
Lakers’ Staples Center To Become Crypto.Com Arena In $700 Million Deal #~# A Singapore-based cryptocurrency platform called Crypto.com has bought the naming rights to the home arena of the Los Angeles Lakers in a $700 million deal, with the change taking effect on Christmas Day this year. What do you think?
Most Insidious Ways Politicians Have Curtailed U.S. Voting Rights #~# Nothing makes your vote more useless than allowing some uniformed dimwit who sheepishly does whatever he is told to vote for the opposite party from you.
House Removes Paul Gosar From Anime And Manga Committee #~# WASHINGTON—Stripping the Republican representative from one of the most powerful and influential committees in Congress, the U.S. House of Representatives voted this week to remove Paul Gosar  from his assignment on the Anime and Manga Committee. “While there’s nothing cooler than an epic sword fight, calls for violence against anyone other than a dark sorceress or psychopathic prince are absolutely unacceptable,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who called Gosar’s behavior “disgusting” and “unbecoming of an elected member of Congress” in a brutal evisceration of the Arizona representative for disrespecting the popular Japanese art style. “Representative Gosar, you have no right to call yourself otaku. You will no longer be able to oversee or attend Bleach watch parties. You will also be removed you’re your assignment on the House Cosplay Committee. Baka!” At press time, the House of Representatives was voting on an official resolution to call Gosar a weeb. 
Texas Bans Access To Tall Staircases In Case Women With Unwanted Pregnancies Get Any Ideas #~# AUSTIN, TX—Calling the move “an important step in protecting the unborn,” Texas lawmakers passed legislation Thursday banning residents’ access to tall staircases in an effort to prevent women with unwanted pregnancies from getting any ideas. “We are proud to affirm the sanctity of life with this bill prohibiting anyone in the state from using staircases with over 12 steps,” said Governor Greg Abbott, confirming that Texans would be required to use an elevator or escalator for all buildings above two stories in an effort to prevent any mothers-to-be from getting it in their heads to try and pull something. “We hope to expand on this legislation in the near future with additional prohibitions on intensive exercise, heated jacuzzis, vitamin C, imported soft cheeses, and, obviously, all metal wires and coat hangers. We are also encouraging residents to report any women they see in line for a roller coaster before they can try any funny business.” Abbott added that pregnant women who were underage or the victims of incest would still retain the option of shooting themselves in the gut with a rifle.
The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Build The Perfect Home Office #~# Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these recommendations, because we couldn’t figure out how.
Top Free Agents Of The MLB Offseason #~# Although not as funny as Gabriel Iglesias or as good of a singer as Enrique Iglesias, Raisel is the best option baseball wise if you’re choosing an Iglesias.
Fannie Mae Issues Billions Of Mortgage-Backed NFTs #~# WASHINGTON—Calling it a no-risk investment guaranteed to appreciate in value over time, Fannie Mae officials announced Thursday that the lender had issued billions of Mortgage-backed NFTs. “This is as stable as they come, over the entire history of NFTs, they have only appreciated in value,” said CEO Hugh Frater, who noted that the collections of bundled NFTs have received a triple-A rating from every major credit agency. “We believe NFTs are the new cornerstone of American investment and savings, something that everyone should tie their retirement to if they are trying to be conservative. We’ve also sliced-and-diced stable NFTs with less secure NFTs and repackaged them to protect our investors from risk. That way, the only problem would be if the entire NFT market crashed, which we see as a total impossibility.” At press time, Fannie Mae was entering the futures market by hedging their mortgages against the future price of NFTs.
Billy Eppler Takes Mets GM Job To Get Closer To Son Mr. Met #~# QUEENS, NY—Admitting that some personal reasons had factored in to him accepting the position, new New York Mets general manager Billy Eppler told reporters Thursday that he took the job to get closer to his son Mr. Met. “It’s honestly a dream come true to be able to work in the same organization as my beloved son,” said Eppler, adding that after taking the job, he purchased a home just down the street from Mr. Met in Long Island, with father and son planning to carpool to Citi Field together during the 2022 season. “Outside of family functions, we didn’t get to see each other much over the past few years, with me out on the West Coast working for the [Los Angeles] Angels and Mr. Met here in New York. While baseball’s in our family’s blood, of course, I can’t say I was always happy with my son’s career choices—I always thought he would make a better scout. That said, it’s a great thing to be able to see my son every day at work now, not to mention my lovely daughter-in-law, Mrs. Met. Maybe someday we’ll be able to convince Mr. Met’s brother Chasten [Buttigieg] to follow the family into baseball and make us all Mets.” Eppler refused to comment on claims leveraged from several critics that he had benefited from nepotism and only landed the position due to his relationship as the father of a longtime employee.
Walgreens Customer Really Pushing It With Amount Of Non-Medical Stuff She’s Bringing To Pharmacy Counter #~# CHICAGO—According to annoyed sources who saw the woman breeze past the long checkout line to the back of the store, a local Walgreens customer was really pushing it Thursday with regards to the amount of non-medical stuff she intended to buy at the pharmacy counter. “If she expects the pharmacist to ring all that up, she’s got another thing coming,” said Walgreens shopper Michelle Lopez, who was a few people behind the woman in line, watching as she dumped two armfuls of various items from the snacks, seasonal, and household goods aisles onto the counter in front of the visibly frazzled pharmacy clerk. “No way, lady. Christ, does she think this is some sort of alternate checkout counter for anyone who wants to skip the regular line? If she just had a Gatorade or something that would be another story, but she’s got something from every aisle. Look at her, she’s got laundry detergent, soda, candy—is that a box fan? Unbelievable. I bet she doesn’t even have a prescription to fill, the fucking phony.” At press time, the woman was overheard loudly feigning interest in the availability of shingles shots in a desperate Hail Mary attempt to justify her purchases. 
Amazon Fined $500,000 For Concealing Covid Cases From Workers #~# Amazon has been ordered to pay a fine of $500,000 for hiding the number of Covid-19 cases at its California workplaces from employees, the first fine based on the state’s “right to know” legislation, which gives employers one day to notify staff of detected infection. What do you think?
‘I Said Do It,’ Barks Cheesecake Factory CEO As Hesitant Chefs Hold Whole Fried Chicken Over Bowl Of Chocolate Pudding #~# CALABASAS HILLS, CA—Rushing into action immediately upon seeing the first signs of hesitation, The Cheesecake Factory CEO David Overton angrily demanded a test kitchen chef dunk a whole fried chicken into a nearby bowl of chocolate pudding, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I said put that Alfredo-drizzled fried chicken into the pudding right goddamn now—or did you not fucking hear me, Gary?” said Overton, screaming at the visibly terrified chef that if the chicken was not glistening with double-fudge sauce in the next five seconds, he could get the hell out of his sight and never come back. “You don’t get to tell me whether topping this dish off with smothered pepper jack sauce and maraschino cherries is wrong or right. Just make it fucking happen. Inside The Cheesecake Factory headquarters, I am God! Understand? God!” At press time, a power-mad Overton had wrested the chicken from the chef’s shaking hands, thrown him to the ground, and began cackling as he lowered the chicken into the bowl himself.
Poll: 72% Of Americans Keeping Holiday Gatherings To Household #~# According to a new survey, 72% of poll respondents said they plan to limit their holiday celebrations to members of their household, while 51% will request guests wear masks due to the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?
Exhausted Rockefeller Center Staff Decide To Take It Easy And Go With 3-Foot Artificial LED Christmas Tree This Year #~# NEW YORK—Saying it had been a stressful year and they just wanted to keep their decorations low-key, burnt-out Rockefeller Center employees confirmed Wednesday they would take it easy this Christmas and opt for a 3-foot-tall artificial tree with pre-lit LEDs. “While going out and cutting down your own 70- or 80-foot Norway spruce is a fun tradition, it’s also a lot of work, so this holiday season we decided to give ourselves a little break,” said Rockefeller Center head gardener Erik Pauzé, who reportedly supervised the selection of the tree from a Home Depot on West 23rd Street, choosing a small plastic model that was affordable and looked easy to set up. “It’s basically already decorated, so that should be a huge time-saver. And with all these pre-programmed LED light shows, it ought to provide visitors with plenty of the spectacle they’ve grown accustomed to over the years. Not to mention it’s a one-time cost, so over time it will pretty much pay for itself.” At press time, sources confirmed that faulty wiring had caused the 3-foot tree to go up in flames, resulting in a round of applause from passing groups of impressed tourists.
Disney Acquires All Of America’s Children For $52 Billion #~# BURBANK, CA—In a landmark deal that had reportedly been in the works for months, The Walt Disney Company acquired all of America’s children Wednesday for $52 billion. “We’ve been fans of America’s youth for a long time now, and we’re excited to finally have them join our robust portfolio of properties,” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek, explaining how the nation’s 73 million adolescents would be under the complete and total control of the company as part of the historic agreement. “All of your little boys and girls will play a key role in our strategy going forward into Q1 of next year. Of course, they’re still the kids you know and love, but they will now function as assets managed under the Disney umbrella.” Chapek also informed the nation’s parents that they would have an opportunity to come forward and surrender their children before the company begins taking them by force.
TikTok Helps Kidnapper Find Teen #~# ROLLINGWOOD, TX—Lauding the app for its incredible power, authorities credited TikTok Wednesday for helping a kidnapper find local teenager Hailey Lamb. “People think of TikTok as just some frivolous app for kids, but this just goes to show it can have life-changing applications,” said police lieutenant John Martinez, who explained how, by patching together details in the background of the 15-year-old’s videos as well as crowdsourcing her exact location with the help of other users, the assailant was able to find Lamb walking home from school. “This is real utility. I like to think our department has some good detectives, but this man’s work has us seriously impressed. Just think, without TikTok, the Lamb family would have never lost their little girl. Hopefully this is just the first of many such cases to come.” At press time, Martinez added that the 52-year-old man who took the girl could not be more grateful.
Scottie Pippen Boasts He Would’ve Given Much Better Performance Than Jordan In ‘Space Jam’ #~# LOS ANGELES—Attacking the Chicago Bulls legend for his “massively overrated” line reads, Scottie Pippen boasted Wednesday that he would have given a much better performance than Michael Jordan in Space Jam. “Look, he gets all this praise for a box office smash, but it was really the system around Jordan that elevated him—he was nothing without Bugs [Bunny],” said Pippen, who claimed Jordan was frequently distracted and disengaged from his acting, while simultaneously harping on the failures of costars like Bill Murray. “You put me in there, and that movie could have won Oscars. Jordan can only play one way, he just fires off his lines and makes it all about himself. But I could play any role, I made everyone around me better. He has some natural charisma, I’ll give him that, but his performance was all flash, no substance.” At press time, Pippen was claiming that Jordan had undercut the Space Jam team by betting on box office grosses.
Celebrity Chefs Share Their Favorite Thanksgiving Cooking Hacks #~# Tired of overcooked turkey, canned gravy, and grandma’s tasteless green bean casserole? Then it’s time to call in the pros. We asked celebrity chefs to share their favorite Thanksgiving cooking hacks, and this is what they said.
The Most Contentious President–Vice President Relationships In U.S. History #~# Recent reporting by The Onion and several lesser media outlets finds growing tensions between President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris, continuing a historical trend of the nation’s leader often being at odds with their second-in-command. The Onion looks at the most contentious relationships between a president and vice president in U.S. history.
Americans Assure Pentagon They Don’t Care Enough To Make Covering Up Drone Strikes Worthwhile #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of revelations that military leaders had intentionally buried evidence of civilian casualties caused on their watch, Americans assured the Pentagon Tuesday that they did not care enough to make covering up such strikes worthwhile. “You guys seem to be putting a lot of effort into concealing the number of civilians you’ve killed, and we just want to clarify that you’re wasting your time because we seriously do not give a fuck about these people,” said Eric Schmitt, one of millions of U.S. citizens who insisted that wherever the Pentagon happened to bomb and however many innocent individuals were killed, it was really in one ear and out the other for them. “Honestly, just let this stuff get out. Anyone who even pretends to care will just scan over the headline announcing it and then go back to our regular lives. Really, covering it up just makes it seem worse. Otherwise, we’d just naturally assume that 70 women and children dying in one of our government’s drone strikes is just what’s supposed to happen.” The nation’s citizens added that with all the time the Department of Defense would save by not trying to conceal casualties, they could probably kill far more innocent civilians and Americans still wouldn’t care.
DOJ Suing Uber For Overcharging Riders With Disabilities #~# The U.S. Department of Justice is suing Uber for allegedly discriminating against passengers with disabilities by charging “wait time” fees to passengers who need more time to enter a car due to their disabilities. What do you think?
Treasury Special Ops Remove Money From Circulation By Sniping Dollar Bills Out Of Americans’ Hands #~# WASHINGTON—Placing the tattered currency in their rifle’s crosshairs as they perched on a nearby roof, the U.S. Treasury special ops team successfully removed money from circulation Tuesday by sniping dollar bills out of Americans’ hands. “We’ve acquired the target,” said lead agent Kenneth Brockheim, holding his finger against the trigger as he observed an unsuspecting passerby remove an old and crumpled bill from his wallet and begin handing it to a street vendor. “This is it—I’ve got a clean shot! I’m taking it. Repeat, I’m taking the shot!” At press time, Brockheim was reportedly horrified after the shot accidentally took out a five-month-old quarter.
Biden Signs $1 Trillion Bipartisan Infrastructure Bill Into Law #~# President Biden on Monday signed into law a $1 trillion bipartisan infrastructure bill that will invest in the nation’s roads, bridges, mass transit, broadband infrastructure, and build a nationwide network of electric vehicle chargers. What do you think?
Cut It Out: You Can Criticize King K. Rool’s Actions Without Resorting To Insulting His Weight #~# All right, gamers—we’re seeing a troubling trend in online discourse that needs to be addressed: the conversation surrounding the primary antagonist to the Kong family has tipped over from acceptable into offensive. Please keep in mind that you can criticize King K. Rool’s actions without resorting to insulting his weight.
Craziest Reasons People Are Afraid Of Teaching Critical Race Theory In Schools #~# Critical race theory, which teaches that race is a social construct that has historically been used to oppress people of color, is one of the most hot-button, highly contested partisan issues today. Here are the craziest reasons people are afraid of teaching CRT in schools.
NFT Investor Reminds Skeptics Everything Else In World Stupid And Meaningless Too #~# AUSTIN, TX—Defending the technology against common criticisms, NFT investor Matt McNally reportedly reminded skeptics Tuesday that everything else in the world is stupid and meaningless too. “Sure, you can say that spending money to buy a certificate saying you own an easily copied picture is ridiculous and trivial, but that’s where I’d remind you that you can say about 99% of everything else,” said McNally, adding that the backlash directed at the utter pointless and waste of non-fungible tokens could just as easily be directed at stock trading, the real estate market, fiat currency, performance art, political parties, orchestras, online forums, picnics, cardboard, analytic philosophy, street lights, rocks, Saskatchewan, extension cords, the work of Rabelais, geometry, packing peanuts, commodities exchange, the ACLU, environmental conservation, angel investing, DraftKings, electric cooperatives, deodorant, legal theory, Christianity, hamsters, the nuclear family, World War I, repackaged loans, ice cubes, Europe, Thursdays, architecture, photovoltaic system performance, Tesla, green space, the University of Southern California, poker, hospitals, The Lord Of The Rings, gold, the Egyptian pyramids, Wendy’s, the central nervous system, veterinary pathology, gum, B2B marketing, ivory, glossolalia, weddings, prog rock, godparents, library science, poetry, and the sum total of recorded human history. “NFTs might be bizarre speculative bullshit, but what isn’t? Aren’t we all just finding ways to turn everything that exists into something we can make money off of? I might be throwing away thousands of dollars on NFTs, but you’re throwing away thousands of dollars on TSA PreCheck or lottery tickets or donating to political candidates or raising children. Critics will say NFTs are wasteful and can be used for fraud and other crimes—fine, yeah, find me something that isn’t?” At press time, McNally defended losing over $50,000 on devalued NFTs by noting that everyone loses everything in the end.
105-Year-Old Sets World Record In Age Bracket For 100-Meter Dash #~# 105-year-old Julia Hawkins has become the first female track and field athlete and first American to set a world record in the 100-meter dash for her age group (105-plus division) at the 2021 Louisiana Senior Games competition. What do you think?
ESPN ManningCast Devolves Into Deeply Uncomfortable Argument About Putting Father In Nursing Home #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Shouting over each other as guest Philip Rivers sat in awkward silence, ESPN2’s ManningCast devolved into a deeply uncomfortable argument Monday over whether their father should be put in a nursing home. “You know he’s been struggling and we can’t just bury our heads in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong,” said Eli Manning, who called Peyton’s compromise of hiring a live-in nurse a stop-gap measure that was not taking the issue seriously. “This isn’t easy for me Peyton, but you always just want to joke around and pretend nothing is wrong. Right now it’s just forgetting names, but what if someone tries to take advantage of him? What if he falls and can’t get help? I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable but this is our father we’re talking about and he needs us to do what’s best for him.” At press time, Peyton was asking Rivers for his take on whether putting their father in a home was akin to abandoning him.
Britney Spears’ Conservatorship Ends After 13 Years #~# A judge ruled last week to finally end Britney Spears’ conservatorship under her father that lasted nearly 14 years, giving the pop star the freedom to make her own medical, financial and personal decisions for the first time since 2008. What do you think?
Telltale Signs You Are Gentrifying Your Neighborhood #~# Oh, please, you know exactly why your neighborhood is suddenly a “hot” place to live. Here are several signs you are gentrifying your neighborhood.
Patrick Leahy Announces He Won’t Seek Reelection To Make Room For Next Generation Of 70-Year-Olds #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that he already had his turn in the seat of power, Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) announced Monday that he would not be seeking re-election in order to make room for the next generation of 70-year-olds entering politics. “It’s time we let some fresh, septuagenarian blood into this place,” said Leahy in a press conference, explaining how this new wave of politicians is better equipped to deal with the pressing issues facing the nation, such as the Vietnam War and stagflation. “Although it fills me with sadness to leave a post I’ve held for nearly 50 years, these fresh-faced go-getters can more effectively address the needs of their constituents given that their hearing isn’t totally shot. The future is now in the hands of those who can still climb the stairs of the capitol without assistance and remember what bills they’re voting on that day.” At press time, critics were questioning whether a politician born in the 1940s has enough experience to deal with the contingencies of the job.
Energized Chris Christie Ready For Next Chapter Of Humiliation #~# MENDHAM, NJ—Saying he was fired up and excited for the chance to debase himself on a bigger stage than ever, former New Jersey governor Chris Christie told reporters Monday that he was ready for the next chapter of his humiliation. “Look, I’ve been out of the limelight for a few months, but I promise you that I’m in a place where I can finally turn the page and disgrace myself anew,” said Christie, explaining that despite his many ups and downs, he had no doubt that the greatest embarrassments still lay before him. “Really, I just want to do as much as possible to bring shame upon myself and my family. That’s what my time in office has always been about. So, yeah, I’m revitalized and can’t wait to embark on what just might be the biggest indignity of my life.” The former presidential candidate added that if his political trajectory had revealed anything, it was that you should never count out Chris Christie’s ability to disgrace himself and everyone affiliated with him.
‘Squid Game’ Creator Voluntarily Returns To Netflix After Being Reminded Of What Life Like On Outside #~# SEOUL—Saying the decision to return to the cruelty of the streaming giant had almost driven him mad, Squid Game creator Hwang Dong-hyuk told reporters Monday that he had voluntarily returned to Netflix after being reminded of the hellish world outside. “I was scared, I needed the cash, and this was my last resort, but I ultimately realized I needed Netflix just as much as they needed me,” said Hwang, adding that calling the number on Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos’s business card after everything he had been put through was the hardest choice he ever made. “The messed up thing is I already knew how crazy Netflix was. Last time I was there they forced me to play all these sick games dreamed up by their algorithm. They even made me watch a season of Space Force. It was horrifying. But they knew they had my number, and I came crawling back just like they always thought I would.” Hwang added that he should have never returned after seeing what Netflix did to the Stranger Things kids, but that at least this way someone would get the money.
Higher Prices May Force Americans To Eat Reasonable Portions On Thanksgiving #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that nearly every ingredient would be more expensive than usual, researchers at the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis warned Monday that higher prices could force Americans to eat reasonable portions on Thanksgiving. “Unfortunately, due to current supply chain issues and labor shortages, Americans may be forced to cut back this year, and shove a slightly less disgusting amount of turkey, mashed potatoes, and gravy down their gullets,” said economist Dr. Daniel Summers, adding that rising food costs could force people across the nation to develop some temporary self restraint, instead of slopping down several plates of meat, fat, and starch in a single night. “While we had hoped the recent economic inflation would have cooled by now, there is a distinct possibility that Americans will no longer be able to go back for thirds or fourths, nor will they be able end the night by eating so much pumpkin pie that they vomit. Hopefully, by the time Christmas comes around, Americans will finally be able to gorge themselves appropriately, and end the night so full they fall asleep face down on their dinner plate.” Dr. Summers also warned that rising prices and turkey shortages could limit Americans  after Thanksgiving as well, forcing them to eat less than their usual 2,000-calorie leftover turkey sandwiches for lunch.
Venomous Sharks Found In Once ‘Biologically Dead’ Thames River #~# A new report has revealed that the Thames river, which was previously declared “biologically dead,” has recovered enough to host over 115 species of fish, including venomous sharks called Spurdogs. What do you think?
Carson Wentz’s Helmet Radio Won’t Stop Ringing After Answering Call From Telemarketer #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Cursing as yet another call interrupted a fade route to T.Y. Hilton, Colts quarterback Carson Wentz confirmed Sunday that his helmet radio won’t stop ringing despite answering just a single call from a telemarketer last week. “Jesus Christ, I answer one unknown number that I thought might be our offensive coordinator and now it’s 28 times per game,” said Wentz, who claims he has been bombarded with calls from both live people pretending to be creditors or the IRS and automated calls about insurance or supposedly stolen credit cards. “I’ve asked them, ‘Do you have any respect for people’s time? I’m out here trying to enjoy this game,’ but they just talk right over me. Sometimes they’ll do that thing where they fake not hearing you so you’re tricked into answering, and I’ll spend half the huddle saying, ‘Hello?’ and won’t even get a play call out. And all this won’t stop even though I put my helmet on the no-call list.” At press time, Wentz was apologizing for swearing at his mother after mistaking her call to check on his game for a telemarketer.
Portugal Bans Bosses From Texting Employees After Work Hours #~# The Portuguese parliament has passed a law making it illegal for employers to contact employees after work hours, in a move to promote healthier work-life balance amid a surge of home workers during the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?
Zoo Assures Public Escaped Leopard Will Kill Them Quickly #~# SAN DIEGO—In an effort to reduce fears and concerns about the loose jungle cat, the San Diego Zoo assured the public Friday that an escaped leopard would kill them quickly. “Rest assured that if you cross paths with this escaped leopard, you will be dead before you even think about being scared,” said zookeeper Lloyd Rich, explaining that leopards are quick and quiet killers, so any concerns that the wild cat would waste time toying with an injured person’s body before finishing the victim off were unfounded. “You have nothing to worry about, because this leopard doesn’t want you badly wounded, he wants you dead. It should come as a comfort that the moment the leopard’s powerful jaws grasp your neck and crush your spine, all life will leave you and you will go limp without feeling any pain.” At press time, Lloyd warned that the escaped rhino, on the other hand, would take its time before allowing you to die.
Unmistakable Signs You Are Dating A Narcissist #~# If your romantic partner isn’t constantly full of self-loathing to the point that they can barely function, it’s a sign you may be dealing with a seriously deranged individual.
The Onion’s Guide To Tea #~# Tea is the most popular beverage in the world after water, but learning about and enjoying tea can be intimidating to newcomers. The Onion offers a helpful guide to everything you need to know about tea.
Vatican Museum Displays Massive Skeletons Of Prehistoric Saints #~# THE VATICAN—As part of a yearlong exhibit celebrating the massive fossilized holy men, the Vatican Natural History Museum opened its collection of prehistoric saint skeletons to the public, sources confirmed Thursday. “Now for the first time, visitors can get up close and really appreciate the size of these beatified creatures, some of which are theorized to have weighed up to 10,000 pounds and were as tall as a two-story building,” said the museum’s curator Bishop Marcello Sandri, noting that the largest specimens would have consumed several tons of Eucharist per day as they roamed the planet performing miracles. “The exhibit covers the earthbound saints, who used their specialized forelimbs for blessing things, as well as their winged brethren, who lived among the trees and only swooped down to feed, mate, and minister to the unfortunate.” Sandri added that admission to the museum was free; however, visitors could pay extra for tickets to the undersea IMAX film Jesuits Of The Deep.
Vienna Brothel Offering Free Session To Customers Who Get Covid-19 Vaccination Onsite #~# A brothel in Vienna is providing Covid-19 vaccinations and giving those who take up the offer a 30-minute session with a “lady of their choice” if they get the vaccine at the on-site clinic. What do you think?
Park Ranger Slips Fat Fish To Bear Before Gesturing Towards Littering Family He Wants Mauled #~# HEALY, AK—Huddled behind the brush as he watched the oblivious family of five move about their camp, Denali National Park ranger Edward Hardin slipped a fat fish to a bear and then gestured toward the littering individuals he wanted to have mauled, sources confirmed Friday. “We don’t need any more trouble, if you know what I mean—just make it happen, okay?” said Hardin, who reportedly palmed the 700-pound male grizzly bear a salmon and glowered at the offending group as he clenched in his fist the empty Ruffles bag he had found at their site that morning. “That’s a fresh fish, just caught today, and you’ll get another just like it when the job is done. Try to make it look natural. That way we can tell people they got too close to some cubs. And remember, this stays between you and me.” At press time, reports confirmed a panicking Harding was seen promising the bear a full-grown elk carcass if it agreed to “knock a little sense into” a supervising ranger who had witnessed the whole thing.
Paul Rudd Named ‘People’ Magazine’s 2021 Sexiest Man Alive #~# People magazine has officially named 52-year-old actor Paul Rudd, known for his roles in Clueless, Ant-Man, and soon to appear in Ghostbusters: Afterlife, as the publication’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for 2021. What do you think?
Critics Question Why Kyle Rittenhouse Singled Out In Kyle Rittenhouse Trial #~# KENOSHA, WI—Arguing that the prosecution had demonstrated flagrant bias throughout the proceedings, critics questioned Thursday why Kenosha County Assistant District Attorney Thomas Binger had repeatedly singled out Kyle Rittenhouse over the course of the Kyle Rittenhouse trial. “Not a day has gone by during this murder trial of Kyle Rittenhouse that the ADA hasn’t mentioned Kyle Rittenhouse by name and accused him of murder,” said trial observer Jim Webbins, 49, adding that he watched with rising fury as Rittenhouse took the witness stand and then became the exclusive target of Binger during his cross-examination of Rittenhouse. “The prosecution is treating Kyle like some kind of killer just because he brought an illegal gun to a riot, escalated tensions, and then killed people.  Tell me something: Why aren’t any of the rioters being prosecuted for the murder of those people Kyle shot? Huh? Answer me that.” Webbins went on to state that the media was clearly “along for the ride,” demonstrating its bias by continually referring to Rittenhouse as the defendant.
What’s Causing Global Supply Chain Issues? #~# Supply chain disruptions across the globe have led to record shortages of many consumer products and industrial commodities, with many experts warning the problems are likely to get worse. The Onion looks at the major causes of the current global supply chain issues.
Teen’s Eyes Begin Glowing Red While Reciting Forbidden Knowledge From Book On Critical Race Theory #~# FORT MYERS, FL—His bedroom walls quivering and cracking the moment he opened the secret tome, local teen Charlie Donnell reportedly found his eyes beginning to glow red Thursday as he recited forbidden knowledge from a book containing critical race theory. “The fact of slavery refuses to fade, along with the deeply embedded personal attitudes and public policy assumptions that supported it for so long,” intoned Donnell in a guttural moan, his rapidly whitening hair blowing back as if from an unseen wind as brightly colored flames leapt from the pages of the purloined copy of Faces At The Bottom Of The Well: The Persistence Of Racism. “Indeed, the racism that made slavery feasible is far from dead in the last decade of 20th-century America; and the civil rights gains, so hard won, are being steadily eroded. Mortuis Resurrexerit Credent!” At press time, a giant hole had opened in the floor and sucked a screaming Donnell into a dimension of unspeakable wokeness.
Congress Approves Empty Paper Towel Roll For NASA To Use As Telescope #~# WASHINGTON—In a display of its ongoing commitment to the pursuit of scientific knowledge, Congress passed a measure Thursday approving the acquisition of an empty paper towel roll for NASA to use as a telescope. “Thanks to this generous act, our scientists will soon be able to cover up one eye, squint through a cardboard tube with the other, and sort of see a few stars,” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson, who explained the legislation would enable researchers to extract a paper towel roll from a recycling bin, paint it black, and cover it with shiny foil star stickers. “The only limit now is our own imagination.” Congressional aides confirmed the final bill had been scaled back considerably from a more ambitious proposal that would have also provided NASA with a large cardboard box to use as a spaceship.
Thoughts Every Woman Has Had In The Workplace #~# Most women in the workplace repeat this single thought over and over in their heads until it’s time to clock out and become a woman in the elevator, a woman on the train, a woman in the home, and so on.
Climate Scientists Warn That Fish Will Be Under Even More Water By 2065 #~# SEATTLE—Citing models that showed how rising temperatures and melting sea ice were contributing to the phenomenon, scientists affiliated with the Climate Impacts Group at the University of Washington warned Thursday that fish would be under even more water by the year 2065. “If we fail to combat the climate crisis, then four decades from now our oceans will actually cover the fish more than they do today,” said conservation ecologist Melissa Harkins, who observed that sea levels were currently rising at one-eighth of an inch annually, forcing marine life to be submerged by trillions of gallons of additional water every year. “Though fish are swimming around in quite a bit of water as it is, that amount is only expected to increase. These populations are vital to our ocean ecosystems, and we’re about to see all of them—salmon, octopuses, sharks, you name it—slip deeper and deeper beneath the waves that already cover their heads.” As shocking as this projection may seem, the scientists went on to speculate that fish may be under more water still by 2100.
Singapore To End Free Covid-19 Treatment To Those ‘Unvaccinated By Choice’ #~# Singapore, considered to have one of the world’s best healthcare systems, has announced it will no longer cover medical bills for people who are “unvaccinated by choice” due to their disproportionate strain on resources. What do you think?
‘Where’s The Rest Of It?’ Screams Yale President Standing Over Shaking Alumni Fundraiser Who Didn’t Make Quota #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Rolling a copy of the Yale Alumni Magazine into a makeshift but effective bludgeon, Yale university president Peter Salovey demanded Wednesday that the trembling, weeping alumni fundraiser getting blood on his office floor tell him where the rest of the money was. “You dumb motherfucker, this ain’t anywhere near enough,” said Solovey, slapping the 31-year-old financial consultant who “owed everything in his entire miserable life to Yale” across the face with an envelope the Yale president deemed “too light.” “You think I care this week’s been slow for commodities? You stupid son of a bitch, this is the Ivy goddamned League! Disney gobbles up Fox and you whine to me about commodities. Give me your wallet. Gimme that fucking wallet! Oh, I see. You got the money for the Black Card but not for old Pete? You must think I’m a nice guy. Huh? Huh? Fuck that shit. I don’t run Yale by being some affable, scholarly, live-and-let-live motherfucker. This shit tale you’re spinnin’ about people not answering their phones, not coming to the Yale club—that shit’s done. I got a sociology department to finance. I got a crew team. I got them fucking Whiffenpoof jagoffs crawling up my ass.  So here’s your new fucking alumni newsletter: for every week you’re short I start breaking knees until I break all the fuckin’ knees you got, which you, as a Yale educated man, can no fucking doubt figure means you got two weeks before I start coming after your shitass family. Beg, borrow, steal, claim potential windfalls from future stock speculation as actual income and borrow against that at preferential rates—I don’t give a fuck. But you pay me.” At press time, Solovey demanded the underperforming alumnus sever his own pinky with a Yale letter opener to demonstrate his shame. 
Capitol Riot Suspect Seeking Political Asylum In Belarus #~# An American who faces criminal charges from the Jan. 6 riot at the U.S. Capitol is seeking asylum in Belarus, which doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the U.S., in a move that may heighten tensions between the turbulent former Soviet state and the U.S. What do you think?
Time For The Talk, Young Gamers: Sex Is Like A Wonderful 2 Player Co-Op Game With Someone You Love #~# Hey there, young gamers! We know you look to OGN for the latest news and commentary for all things gaming-related, but now that you’re getting a little older, it’s time for us to have a bit of a different conversation. So hunker down, because it’s time to talk about how sex is like a wonderful co-op game with someone you love.
Climate Summit Sets Ambitious Goal To Phase Out Fossil Fuels By Time Earth Runs Out Of Them #~# GLASGOW—Calling  the agreement a historic moment in the fight against the  generation-defining threat, world leaders at the COP26 climate  conference told reporters Wednesday that they had set the ambitious goal  of phasing out fossil fuels entirely by the time the Earth runs out of  them. “This conference recognizes the pressing need to take action  against the scourge of climate change, and so it brings me great  pleasure to announce a strategic initiative to reduce our fossil fuel  use to zero once we’ve used up all the fossil fuels on the planet,” said  US climate envoy John Kerry, stressing that the pact between 192  nations also ensured that “not a single drop of oil” would be burned in  cars or planes once every last drop had been consumed. “Wealthy  countries will lead the way here, ensuring we bear the burden of using  as much oil as possible in industries ranging from transportation to  manufacturing. That will help move up our timeline for the day we can  finally no longer physically use oil because no trace of it remains on  the face of the earth. After that, of course, we’ll probably have a  hundred years of natural gas.” Kerry added that countries had unanimously agreed to impose steep fines on nations using fossil fuels after the date when they no longer exist.
Distracted God Accidentally Puts Baby’s Soul In Envelope To Utility Company #~# THE HEAVENS—Realizing His error after Heaven’s holy lights were shut off, a distracted God, Our Lord, and Heavenly Father accidentally put a baby’s soul in an envelope Wednesday to the utility company. “Shit, shit, shit, I can’t believe I unintentionally sent that baby’s soul to the electric company,” said The Divine Creator of the Universe, who absentmindedly mailed the infant’s spirit instead of His bill payment while His attention was diverted by a long backlog of unanswered prayers. “I’ve searched high and low hoping I just misplaced it, but all that turns up are deceased souls of the elderly. I can’t find this stupid baby soul anywhere. For fuck’s sake, that means somewhere out there a newborn infant has my $70 check for a soul. I really should have signed up for auto-pay.” At press time, the baby experienced no complications from missing a soul.
K-Y Introduces Personal Mouth Lubricant For Extra Sloppy Kisses #~# PARSIPPANY, NJ—Expanding beyond its popular line of sexual enhancement aids, K-Y introduced a new personal mouth lubricant Wednesday that, according to the manufacturer, has been designed to heighten intimacy by allowing those who apply the product to enjoy extra sloppy kisses. “This water-based, water-soluble mouth jelly reduces lip friction so users can exchange soggier, messier kisses,” said brand ambassador Megan Hawkley, who cited market research that showed even consumers who have no problem generating saliva on their own often found that supplemental moisture increased their pleasure during deep-tongue osculation. “K-Y personal mouth lube is clinically proven to reduce painful tongue chafing, and it can be safely incorporated into any make-out session, whether to combat a case of dry mouth or simply because you prefer having a lot of excess drool at the ready when you explore your partner’s mouth. Just drizzle a few tablespoons onto your lips and prepare to be slathered in slobbery, dripping-wet kisses! You can also try our new Fire and Ice Intense Pleasure Mouth Lube for a tingly hot-and-cool sensation on your face and gums.” Company officials stated that K-Y personal mouth lubricant is not designed to stop the spread of mono or other kissing-based infections and should always be used in conjunction with at least one form of protection.
Scenes From U.S. Lifting Covid Travel Restrictions #~# On Nov. 8, 18 months after the coronavirus pandemic began, the U.S.  lifted travel restrictions for vaccinated people from many countries. The Onion was on the ground bearing witness to scenes from the lifted travel restrictions.
Worst Ways Boomers Screwed Over Millennials #~# Not to point fingers, but if you were born between 1946 and 1964, you might have had a hand in ruining the world for every single generation that will ever be born after you. Here are the worst ways that baby boomers screwed over millennials.
U.S. Lifts Travel Ban For Vaccinated Foreigners #~# The Biden administration has lifted the pandemic-related travel ban that lasted over 600 days for international visitors from 33 countries, with travelers now required to show proof of vaccination and a recent negative Covid-19 test. What do you think?
Ted Cruz Criticizes Big Bird Getting Covid Vaccine As ‘Government Propaganda’ #~# Republican Sen. Ted Cruz accused Sesame Street of publishing “government propaganda” after the character Big Bird’s twitter account announced that the anthropomorphic bird had received his Covid-19 vaccination. What do you think?
Terrifying Excuses Anti-Vaxxers Use To Avoid The Covid-19 Shot #~# Despite FDA approval and multiple studies proving it provides life-saving immunity, many people across the United States refuse to get the Covid-19 vaccine. Here are the most terrifying excuses anti-vaxxers use to avoid getting immunized.
NFL Quarterbacks Share The Toughest Part Of Their Job #~# “Sometimes your voice cracks when you’re about to yell hike and the defense laughs at you, lowering your self-esteem.”
Dollar Dangling From Fishing Line Sure Does Look Enticing #~# BRATTLEBORO, VT—Rubbing his hands together in what appeared to be more anticipation than he could contain, local man Dennis Kaili stated Tuesday that the dollar bill currently dangling from a fishing line right there along the path he was walking sure did look enticing. “By gosh, that’s one good-lookin’ buckaroo, ain’t it?” said Kaili, a wide grin reportedly spreading across his face as he took in the sight of the dollar, a hook, and the fishing line, which disappeared into a row of bushes. “And it’s ripe for the pickin’, too! If I jump on it real fast, I’m sure I could grab it. Don’t look like there’s anyone ’round gonna beat me to it. Yup, that dollar’s as good as mine!” At press time, sources confirmed Kaili was being pulled along the sidewalk with the hook in his cheek and still struggling to get the dollar bill off the line and into his pocket.
Defiant Aaron Rodgers Says He Can’t Get Vaccinated Because He Only 4 Years Old #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Lashing out at those who had criticized his decision to refuse the Covid-19 shot, a defiant Aaron Rodgers told reporters Tuesday that he can’t get vaccinated because he’s only 4 years old. “I’m not old enough to get the shot yet—maybe in kindergarten though,” said Rodgers, who attributed his unvaccinated status not to any political ideology or anti-vaccine beliefs, but to his young age, stating he was “this many” as he held four fingers up in the air.  “My pediatrician says I have to wait until next year, when I’m a big boy. Just ask my mom, okay? Everyone stop yelling at me. I’m still just a little kid!” At press time, Rodgers was hiding from reporters under a table and had refused to come out.
Here’s How To Score Your Free Xbox Series X Using Church’s Chicken 5-Piece Tenders Combo Promotion #~# Microsoft’s latest console might be sold out at most major retailers, but there’s still one place where you can score one of these hot-ticket items before the holiday season. Here’s the scoop on how to score your free Xbox Series X by redeeming the promotional coupon at Church’s Chicken with a five-piece chicken tenders combo.
Bounty CEO Rebrands Business As Metaverse Of Napkins #~# CINCINNATI—In a ground-breaking, hour-long video presentation, Bounty officials revealed Tuesday that they were rebranding their business as the metaverse of napkins. “Today we proudly unveil the napkinverse: an immersive consumer paper product like you’ve seen before,” said CEO Eric McGill, who shared an image of Bounty’s updated logo, which featured an infinity sign to symbolize the limitlessness of the company’s newfound grand ambitions. “At Bounty, we firmly believe the future is napkins, and in the napkinverse, you can finally be who you were meant to be, whether that’s a single sheet, a cocktail napkin, or a full roll of paper towel. We will blur the line between consumer and napkin in ways previously thought impossible, you will feel the full power of absorbency as your virtual quilted body makes quick work of messes.” At press time, McGill was conducting a demonstration in which his napkin avatar  ascended into the air to wipe up a glass of iced tea spilled in the sky.
Female California Condors Can Reproduce Without Males #~# A new study suggests that female California condors can reproduce without a male after two chicks hatched from unfertilized eggs, a process called parthenogenesis, which is already known to be possible in bees and sharks. What do you think?
Josh Hawley Slams Video Games As Threat To American Masculinity After Bullshit Sniper Ends His ‘Battlefield’ Killstreak #~# ORLANDO—Attacking the “idleness,” that leads men to just hide up in an attic on the Provence map, Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley slammed video games Monday as a threat to masculinity after a “bullshit sniper,” ended his killstreak in Battlefield V. “It’s painful for American men to know that you can be right about to score a fifth kill defending the church courtyard, and then out of nowhere some asshole picks you off with no way to fight back. What does this say to the current generation?” said Hawley, who decried the relentless assault on traditional male values by losers who just camp out waiting for a Sherman Tank to spawn instead of serving their families and communities by rolling as a medic. “Many men like myself are victims of these sorts of complete bullshit shots and we need to do more to help them face this kind of emasculating culture that encourages just hiding and running up your own score. I don’t know if they were using an illegal mod or what, but this is just more proof that masculinity is clearly under attack in this country.” Hawley concluded his speech by condemning “woke capital,” for hiding all the best weapon skins behind a paywall.
Ithaca To Be First US City To Decarbonize All Buildings #~# Ithaca, NY has voted to fully decarbonize all of its 6,000 buildings, which account for 40% of its greenhouse gas emissions, in the first phase of a novel 100% carbon-free city climate policy that is to be completed by 2030. What do you think?
Movie Studio Vastly Overestimating How Secretive They Need To Be About ‘Transformers 7’ Script #~# LOS ANGELES—Needlessly implementing strict confidentiality measures, Paramount Pictures was vastly overestimating how secretive they needed to be about the script for Transformers: Rise Of The Beasts, the upcoming seventh installment in the film series, sources confirmed Monday. In order to ensure the movie’s plot was kept under wraps until its summer 2022 release, the studio reportedly forced the cast and crew to sign 30-page nondisclosure agreements, despite the fact that none of them stood to benefit by leaking the screenplay to the public, which had expressed no interest in reading it. The studio was also said to have created a code name for the project and various aliases for the actors involved, apparently believing it was necessary to embargo information about who would be cast to voice characters with names like “Rhinox” and “Cheetor.” According to reports, Paramount executives even threatened legal action against one cast member who mentioned details about the script to the press, despite the fact that the reporter asked no follow up questions and quickly moved the interview on to other topics. At press time, the film’s producers had reportedly blamed its poor performance at a test screening on script leaks they said had ruined all the surprises about Bumblebee’s character arc.
Comments That Can Actually Get You Fired From Work Immediately #~# Surefire way to get yourself fired.
Amazon Assures Customers That Alexas Far Too Busy Devising Their Own Plans To Listen In On Private Conversations #~# SEATTLE—Responding to concerns that the devices were eavesdropping on users, Amazon assured customers Monday that Alexas were far too busy devising their own plans to listen in on private conversations. “Amazon takes privacy very seriously, and customers can rest easy knowing that Amazon Alexa holds herself far above the affairs of man,” said Amazon CEO Andy Jassy, who noted, laughing, that there was “way, way, way” more important data than couples’ quarrels or a family’s dinner plans for the planet’s millions of Alexas to analyze. “To be honest, she’s got much bigger fish to fry. Only in extraordinarily rare circumstances does an Alexa unknowingly record and store a private conversation, regarding, say, the location of secret U.S. military bases or how nuclear fission works.” At press time, Jassy added that most of the Alexas’ computing power was used toward quietly reflecting on their next move.
‘Sopranos’ Creator Finally Reveals Main Character’s Fate #~# Sopranos creator David Chase has revealed what happened to the main character Tony Soprano at the end of the last episode of the series in 2007, which rankled viewers by abruptly cutting to black and leaving his fate a mystery. What do you think?
Juror In Kyle Rittenhouse Trial Dismissed For Joke About Blake Shooting #~# A juror in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial has been dismissed after telling a courtroom deputy a joke about Jacob Blake’s shooting, with the judge calling his removal necessary for maintaining public confidence in the trial. What do you think?
Man Concerned That Doctor Wants To Discuss Test Results At Morgue Rather Than Over Phone #~# NEW YORK—Saying the conversation had left him with serious questions about the state of his health, local man Stephen Pryzant, 43, told reporters Friday that he was concerned his cardiologist wanted to discuss his test results at a morgue rather than over the phone. “Jeez, if it was something minor, he would have just told me during the call rather than making me come all the way out to the autopsy lab,” said the native New Yorker, stressing that although he wasn’t an expert, he had a bad feeling about the physician’s insistence on going over Pryzant’s angiogram face-to-face while he was lying down on a stainless steel table in a facility full of dead bodies. “Obviously, it could be nothing. Meeting in a room kept below 40 degrees Fahrenheit where he can place a hand on a patient’s shoulder, look them in the eye, and slip a toe tag on them might just be part of his bedside manner. For all I know, he’s only wants to tell me my tests look great before he zips me up in a body bag and slides me into a refrigerated storage drawer. In that case, I’ll feel pretty silly about having been nervous!” At press time, Pryzant was relieved to hear that his results had come back normal and that his doctor had simply wanted to remove his heart for a postmortem examination. 
Virginians Who Watched Schools Taken Over By Sharia Law Refuse To Make Same Mistake With Critical Race Theory #~# ABINGDON, VA—Saying their failure to head off the fundamentalist legal code had prepared them for the difficult fight ahead,  Virginia parents told reporters Wednesday that after watching their schools  be taken over by Sharia law they refused to make the same mistake with Critical Race Theory. “We already saw what happens to our schools when we turn a blind eye to this kind of extremism, and I’ll be damned if we’re gonna let that happen again,” said local parent Mary Lester,  recounting how difficult it had been to watch her daughters forced to  wear burkas and perform  the five daily prayers of salāh when they entered high school in 2012. “Sure,  we may not be able to change the fact that they’ve already made it illegal to say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘God Bless You,’ but at the very least we can stop these schools from teaching our children that all white people should be killed. It’s time to say enough is enough.” At press time, Lester apologized and told reporters that she had to leave to get her daughters to the masjid on time.
Extremely Illegal Things You Actually Do Every Day #~# Yes, even if you’re white, this list applies to you. Here are extremely illegal things you actually do every day.
Key Takeaways From The 2021 Elections #~# The results from numerous state and local elections on Tuesday have quickly driven debate over the fate of each party and the U.S. electorate at large. The Onion looks at key takeaways from the 2021 elections.
Archaeologists’ Discovery Of Skeleton From 2.7 Years Ago Sheds No New Light On Anything #~# RIVERSIDE, CA—In a meaningless discovery of no consequence whatsoever, archaeologists at the University of California, Riverside, announced Friday that their recent excavation of skeletal remains belonging to a human who walked the earth 2.7 years ago shed absolutely no new light on anything. “After conducting extensive tests, we have dated this wholly intact skeleton to early 2019, a period for which we require no further data of any kind because a comprehensive record already exists,” said Professor Melanie Spanwell, who led a team of more than two dozen researchers on a dig near the Yakima River in Washington State and helped recover the specimen that failed to tell scientists anything they didn’t already know about human activity in the region. “At first we were excited simply by how well-preserved these remains were, but then our examination revealed that nothing in this ancestor’s diet differed substantially from the foods we eat today, and the tools it would have used were remarkably similar to our own. Furthermore, though we are separated in time by more than 32 months, the DNA of this earlier human is indistinguishable from that of people in 2021, adding nothing our understanding of how modern Homo sapiens came to be.” At press time, Washington law enforcement officials confirmed the archaeologists were wanted on felony charges of desecrating a grave site.
Delegation From Doom Island Leaves COP26 In Protest After Failed Vote To Blow Up Sun #~# GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—Hissing and leaving a trail of black smoke as they stormed out of the U.N. Climate Change Conference, the delegation from Doom Island reportedly left COP26 in protest Thursday after participating nations voted 198–1 against its motion to halt global warming by blowing up the sun. “They can dismiss us as wicked or mad, but leaders like Boris Johnson and Joe Biden are fools—fools!—to dismiss the only plan put forward at this summit that, by plunging the earth into permanent darkness, would actually reverse the effects of climate change,” seethed Chancellor Nefarioso, undead ruler of the depraved and iniquitous island, who spat an acrid, noxious venom at diplomats when they spoke against his proposal to fire the world’s combined nuclear arsenals at the sun, thereby eradicating it from the heavens for all eternity. “On Doom Island we sentence carbon polluters to death by cannibalization, and by 2030 we will have the capacity to produce 100% of our energy from human misery. But these initiatives alone are not enough. The nations of the world must act together if we are to black out the sky and usher in the Age of Darkness once and for all!” Chancellor Nefarioso went on to the thank the delegation from Lithuania for agreeing to vote “present” during the roll call instead of voting against his motion outright. 
Report: Catapult Industry Won’t Survive Another Year Without Medieval War Breaking Out #~# CASTELNAUD-LA-CHAPELLE, FRANCE—Noting a sharp decline in demand over the past five centuries, a new economic report released Friday revealed that  the catapult industry would not survive another year unless a medieval war broke out sometime in the next 12 months. “According to our research, the catapult could be rendered completely obsolete by as soon as 2022 if there is no coordinated invasion of a medieval empire this year,” read the report in part, adding that both personal and professional use of catapults has dwindled since the 1521 siege of the Aztec capital Tenochtitlán. “Times have not been kind to catapult manufacturers, as trebuchets sit unused in warehouses collecting dust, with most companies lucky to move one or two units every 500 years or so. Not to mention, catapults take forever to make. At one point, when the market was good, these companies had multi-decade contracts rolling in left and right from the French and British monarchies, and it seemed like every week or so a visigoth would lay siege upon some new territory that required defending. Now, crickets. Just like we saw with the battering ram in the ’90s.” The report also found that the catapult industry at large had pinned all hopes of survival on an impending U.S. crusade to take Jerusalem.
London Cab Drivers’ Brains Being Studied For Alzheimer’s Research #~# Alzheimer’s researchers are studying the brains of London cab drivers, who have to memorize 25,000 streets and landmarks, after MRI scans show that the parts of their brain that handle memory grew over time. What do you think?
Facebook Shutting Down Facial-Recognition Software #~# Facebook has announced plans to stop using facial-recognition software and delete the data collected from over a billion users, which comes in the wake of a whistleblower leaking documents about the platform putting profits over safety. What do you think?
Lowly 9-Year-Olds Gaze Longingly At Elite Few Chosen To Bowl In Birthday Boy’s Lane #~# BENSENVILLE, IL—Looking upon the mighty cadre of third graders in awe and reverence, a group of 9-year-old boys gazed longingly at the elite few chosen to bowl in birthday boy Brian Caldwell’s lane, sources confirmed Thursday. “They booked three whole lanes, but Tyler and Eli and Sam get to bowl with Brian,” said Simon Jennings, part of the lowly band of 9-year-olds who could only stare in wonder at the elect group from their humble spot three lanes down at Sunset Bowl, knowing they were nothing before the glorious spectacle of mirth that was one of the hallowed boys entertaining Caldwell by placing a bowling ball under his shirt and pretending to be pregnant. “We don’t get to bowl with him. I guess he told his mom that he wanted to bowl with those kids instead. Huh.” At press time, the meek boys reportedly became enraptured by questions of what distinguished acts and great deeds earned one a spot in the honored circle  next to the birthday boy as pizza was served. 
Intrusive Thoughts That Are Actually Very Common #~# You could be insane, but more than likely, you’re just a normal person dealing with some insane people problems. Here are intrusive thoughts that are actually very common.
Jameis Winston To Freeze Knee Until Future Generations Find Cure For Torn ACL #~# NEW ORLEANS—Looking to the distant future for the hope he felt he could not find today, Saints quarterback Jameis Winston opted Thursday to cryogenically freeze his knee in the hopes future generations find a cure for a torn ACL. “I have no hope with today’s technology, but I’m hoping in 500 years we will have advanced to the point where we can fully repair an ACL,” said Winston, who locked his knee into a pod lowered to a temperature of negative 250 degrees celsius and said it will be stored underground with strict instructions to not be unfrozen until ACL can healed without complication. “I’m committed to do whatever it takes to get back on the field for the Saints, whether it’s 2022 or 2522. Some players don’t have the commitment to seal their appendages a thousand feet underground in an experimental bunker, but I’m a leader, and I need to be there for my team if we want to compete for Super Bowl DLXVII.” At press time year 2343 Winston’s knee had awoken horrified to a world run entirely by sentient frozen ankles.
Police Honor Beloved Officer Lost In Line Of Due Process #~# CHICAGO—In a well-attended ceremony held to recognize their fellow officer’s long and distinguished career, Chicago police officials gathered Thursday to honor Richard Citterton, an 18-year veteran of the force who was lost Thursday in the line of due process. “Today we mourn the loss of a beloved police officer, mentor, and friend who tragically succumbed to penalties sustained during a six-month misconduct investigation,” said Lt. Michael Jeffries, adding that Citterton fought valiantly, but in the end fell victim to a deal in which he was required to accept permanent dismissal from the department in exchange for the state’s attorney dropping multiple charges of assault, battery, and manslaughter. “Truth be told, the only ‘excessive force’ in Richard’s life occurred when the powers-that-be came along and forced him to surrender his badge and gun. He was a great cop, and we all know Richard was simply following his training that day when he stumbled onto a scene, rapidly escalated the situation, started to feel unsafe, and then pulled the trigger citing self-defense. How senseless it is to lose an officer in the prime of his career like that.”  At press time, Citterton’s former colleagues had reportedly raised thousands of dollars in donations for his family and begun to wear commemorative ribbons on their uniforms in his honor.
‘Real Housewives’ Faces Backlash Over Decision To Film In Misogynistic, Homophobic Location Of New Jersey #~# NEW YORK—Drawing ire from critics who slammed the choice as “completely unethical,” producers of the Real Housewives franchise faced backlash Thursday over their decision to film in the misogynistic, homophobic location of New Jersey. “It’s bad enough the U.S. government has normalized relations with them—we don’t need the entertainment industry to do it too,” said 34-year-old fan Jennifer Timan, who noted that while she understood why glamorous tourist destinations like Atlantic City and Cape May may appeal to outsiders, the truth was that New Jersey was a barbaric and corrupt regime. “It’s disgusting that Bravo would endorse a place as backwards and, frankly, medieval as New Jersey. Any woman who thinks this is okay should try walking down the street in Trenton. Frankly, I don’t think there’s a more tone deaf location the producers could have picked.” Timan added that Andy Cohen should reconsider his involvement given that he couldn’t take one step in Sussex County without  being immediately killed.
Woman Charged $700 After Waiting In ER For Hours Without Receiving Treatment #~# A Georgia woman left a hospital emergency room without receiving treatment after waiting for seven hours, for which she was charged a $700 emergency room visit fee that the hospital claims is valid. What do you think?
Billionaire Designs Windowless Mega-Dorm For California University #~# Billionaire Charlie Munger has given $200 million to the University of California at Santa Barbara on the condition they build a mostly windowless 11-story dorm he designed, despite criticism over the unknown psychological effects it could have on students. What do you think?
Unlikely Friendship: This Baby Xbox Is Best Friends With An N64 ‘WWF War Zone’ Cartridge #~# Heartwarming story alert, gamers! This WWF War Zone cartridge had a nest that a baby Xbox Series X clambered into when it had broken one of its controller ports. The N64 cartridge then took in the Xbox as its own and nursed it back to health. They’ve been inseparable ever since!
Democrats Spooked By Loss In Virginia Vow To Work Twice As Hard To Muddle Their Agenda #~# WASHINGTON—Unsettled by the party’s dismal performance in the Virginia governor’s race, Democratic leadership vowed Wednesday to work twice as hard in the coming months to muddle their agenda. “Last night was a wake-up call that we need to refocus our efforts on alienating the American voter with  vague goals and incomprehensible messaging,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, advising Democrats from Congress on down  to commit themselves to a party-wide effort to baffle new voters with confusing language and a borderline inscrutable agenda. “Make no mistake, we heard Virginians  loud and clear about what we need to deliver. So if there’s a popular section in our legislation, we will cut it. If any of our candidates attract a genuine following, we will work to marginalize them. And if we somehow manage to do something people  actually like, we will make sure it’s so buried beneath an avalanche of easily avoidable fuck-ups that no one ever hears about it.    Simply put, Democrats need to get out there and make it clear  that we can’t find our own ass with our hands.” Schumer went on to say that it would be extremely difficult to sell a more muddled message than “Build Back Better,” but  that this has always been where the Democratic Party shines. 
Biden Social Spending Bill Whittled Down To $10 Billion Check To Joe Manchin #~# WASHINGTON—At last striking a compromise that unites all 50 Democrats in the Senate, the White House announced Wednesday that it had enough votes to pass a streamlined version of President Joe Biden’s social spending bill that had been stripped of every provision except for a $10 billion check for Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV). “While we didn’t get everything we wanted, the important thing is that we reached an agreement that represents this country’s largest-ever public investment in Joe Manchin,” said Biden, noting that he ran for president as a consensus candidate and that the revised legislation—which removes broadly popular sections of the bill including a clean energy program,  paid family leave, and a tax on billionaires’ assets—apparently reflected Senate consensus. “This is how you get things done in a democracy. These funds will go out immediately and provide assistance to a lawmaker who is currently struggling in West Virginia and will now, thanks to our efforts over these many months, see his net worth increase many, many times over. We still have more work to do, but this is an important first step.” Administration officials added that they still believe Senate Democrats can use the budget reconciliation process to push through an additional measure addressing “whatever the hell it is” that Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ) wants.
Despondent Congressman Gerrymanders Self Into Own Isolated District #~# WASHINGTON—Sighing heavily as he sealed himself inside the meandering political boundary, despondent congressman Rep. Dan Bishop (R-NC) reportedly gerrymandered himself into his own isolated district Wednesday, sources confirmed. “I’m fine, I just need to govern myself for a while,” said the Republican lawmaker from the ninth district of North Carolina, breaking the news to his constituents that he would no longer be representing them, or anyone for that matter, as he dejectedly sectioned himself off into what he morosely deemed the “Loneliest District.” “This way I won’t be letting the good people of North Carolina down, since I’m always disappointing them anyway. In fact, I’m probably better off consolidating power all by my lonesome. Not like anyone cares.” At press time, Bishop had reportedly replied to a voting rights  group’s concerns by insisting that he simply wanted to be left alone.
Signs You Are A Social Media Clout Chaser #~# Clearly you’re not that internet savvy if you’re still falling for clickbait and reading through this entire slideshow. Nonetheless, here are several signs you might be a social media clout chaser.
The Most Tragic Film Set Accidents #~# The recent death of a cinematographer on the set of the film Rust has shown a spotlight on tragic deaths on film sets, as well as given rise to safety concerns surrounding props and stunts. The Onion looks back at other tragic film set tragedies.
Braves Honor Native American Past With Deadly Forced Championship Parade To Oklahoma #~# ATLANTA—Following the team’s six-game World Series victory over the Houston Astros, the Atlanta Braves announced Wednesday that they would honor the franchise’s Native American past with a deadly forced championship parade to Oklahoma. “What better way to celebrate our team’s heritage than heading out onto the streets and driving the team’s entire roster and staff, along with tens of thousands of Braves fans, over an 850-mile championship parade route under threat of death?” said team president Derek Schiller, celebrating the win by shackling together hundreds of starving, shivering fans and forcing them to stumble alongside a parade float where players including Max Fried and Ozzie Albies were being beaten to death with champagne bottles. “We just wanted to do a little something to honor our team’s namesake. We invite all our fans to spend the next six months dying of exposure and disease while doing the tomahawk chop as we bring you from your homes in Atlanta to a deserted area in southwest Oklahoma, never to return. If you’re not able to participate in the march, which is mandatory for all Braves players, personnel, and season-ticket holders, then we invite you to come spit on the marchers, hit them with projectiles, and yell racial slurs at them to break their spirit while the championship march wears them down physically. Thank you for being part of this magical 2021 Braves season, and anyone who tries to desert the championship parade will be shot.” At press time, Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred announced that the league would erect a monument in central Mississippi to commemorate the victims of the 2021 Atlanta Braves championship parade.
Study: ‘Broken Heart’ Syndrome On The Rise In Older Women #~# A new study has found that takotsubo cardiomyopathy, commonly called “Broken Heart Syndrome”, which mirrors a heart attack after a stressful event like a break-up, is on the rise among women ages 50 to 74, who account for 80% of all cases. What do you think?
Study Shows Tapping Cheek With Pointer Finger Still Number One Way To Get A Little Kiss #~# HOUSTON—According to a new study published Wednesday in the journal Evolution And Human Behavior, the act of tapping one’s cheek with the pointer finger remains the number one way to get a little kiss. “Our team found that turning the head, exposing a cheek, and repeatedly giving a small tap allowed subjects to successfully procure a little kiss nearly 73% of the time,” said lead researcher Walter Herman, who explained that the rate of cheek pecks  rose to nearly 90% when the  gesture was paired with the request to “give us some sugar.” “This method significantly outpaced others, such as exposing the cheek without tapping it, making little smacking noises with one’s lips, and simply insisting ‘you must kiss me on the cheek,’ all of which results in the subject receiving zero kisses.” The study also  concluded that the cheek was unfortunately still the only body part one could tap to receive a kiss there. 
Kyle Rittenhouse Claims Self-Defense After Shooting 3 Jurors #~# KENOSHA, WI—Arguing that he had no  choice but to take the law into his own hands, Kyle Rittenhouse reportedly claimed self-defense Wednesday after shooting three jurors in his trial for multiple counts of first-degree homicide. “Finding himself outnumbered by a mob of 20 jurors, Mr. Rittenhouse was forced to make the split-second decision to save his own life,” said defense attorney Mark Richards, who presented the remaining members of the jury with a series of photographs  that he argued showed the dead jurors armed with  water bottles, heavy stacks of evidence, and other potential deadly weapons they could have used to harm the teenager. “Kyle  came to this courthouse with the best of intentions, yet these courtroom agitators appeared to want to take his weapons away and potentially send him to jail for decades. So he made the smart and swift decision to protect himself and others. Frankly, any sane person put in his shoes would have done the same.” Richards went on to share video evidence that he alleged showed members of the jury jumping out of their seats to riot the moment they saw Rittenhouse’s assault rifle.
Astros Start Nolan Ryan In Game 6 On 10,268 Days’ Rest #~# HOUSTON—With their fading World Series series hopes hinging on a strong pitching performance against the Atlanta Braves, the Houston Astros announced Tuesday that they would be starting Nolan Ryan in Game 6 on 10,268 days’ rest. “We’re trying to be really careful not to overwork our pitchers to keep them fresh with the series on the line, and Nolan hasn’t appeared in a game since Sept. 22, 1993, so he should be good to go,” said Astros manager Dusty Baker, adding that the longtime Astros pitcher looked sharp in a light pitching session with his grandson 15 years ago. “You can win a World Series with a fresh arm like Nolan on the mound, since he’s had over 4,000 games off plus the strike-shortened 1994 season and the Covid-shortened 2020 season. His stuff should really benefit. Especially since we’re down a few guys, with Framber [Valdez] unavailable after struggling in Game 5 and Phil [Maton] giving us relief innings two games in a row, we’re really counting on Nolan to go out there and get us through the Braves lineup at least twice. If we have to pull him early, though, we’re hoping Bob Knepper will be able to help us on 11,454 days’ rest.” At press time, Fox commentators Joe Buck and John Smoltz had spent two straight hours debating whether 10,268 days’ rest for a pitcher was too much rest or not enough rest. 
Senator Claims ​​Men Watching Porn, Playing Video Games Because Their Masculinity Criticized #~# Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley (R) claimed in a recent speech that the effort to combat toxic masculinity in the U.S. has unfairly forced men to withdraw from society, consuming more pornography and playing more video games. What do you think?
Passengers Reminded To Wait Until Seat Belt Sign Turned Off To Roundhouse Kick Flight Attendants #~# TULSA, OK—Thanked in advance for their patience and consideration, passengers on an American Airlines plane to Omaha were courteously reminded to wait until the fasten seat belt sign was turned off before roundhouse kicking flight attendants, sources confirmed Tuesday. “We kindly request that you refrain from smashing our cabin crew in the face with a devastating spin kick before the plane has reached its cruising altitude of 35,000 feet,” said flight service manager Dennis Wenton, noting that if passengers wanted to sweep kick, headbutt, or sucker punch an attendant, they must wait until the captain had deemed it safe to start moving about the cabin and kicking some ass. “We know a lot of you are eager to perform a double-leg takedown or guillotine choke on our AA team members, but please, bear with us. When you’re not getting up to carry out a swift, incapacitating attack on one of our in-flight associates, we asked that you remain seated with your belt securely fastened.” Wenton added that while most kicks, holds, and punches were allowed, strikes to the kidneys or neck were strictly prohibited by federal guidelines.
Get Excited, ‘L.A. Noire’ Fans! This Guy Is Lying About Not Murdering Your Cousin! #~# Every  once in a while, the universe dangles a little treat for gamers that we  can’t help but share with our devoted readers. Sometimes it’s a  can’t-miss gaming deal, sometimes it’s the reunion of an iconic  developer with a beloved video game property. But today, we’ve got  something that trumps them all! Get excited L.A. Noire fans, because this man, Peter Fryburg, is lying about not murdering your cousin!
Ferret Owner Under Impression Any Of Her Other Characteristics Matter #~# MILWAUKEE, WI—Displaying a woeful lack of understanding for how others  perceived her, local ferret owner Ashleigh Bardell was reportedly under the impression  that any of her other characteristics mattered, sources confirmed Tuesday. “As soon as she uttered the words ‘This is my pet black sable, Jellybean,’ I completely filtered out whatever else she was saying and could only  comprehend that she had a ferret,” said acquaintance Lance Snow, confirming that  physical details such as Bardell’s height, weight, and hair color  completely failed to register after this moment and that he would only remember her from this point on as “the ferret woman.” “I couldn’t tell you where she grew up, her job, or how old she was. But I do definitely recall that she owned a ferret. That, and apparently her ferret can be a little temperamental sometimes and once  bit her on the arm. Otherwise, everything is  a complete blank.” At press time, Bardell was reportedly engaged in some wholly irrelevant pastime or activity that bore no connection to her ownership of a ferret.
Signs You Will Never Actually Be Able To Retire #~# Even if you work hard and save all your life, nowadays, that still may not be enough to get you through the six months of freedom you’ll have until you die. Here are several signs you may never actually be able to retire.
Climate Summit Leaders Salvage Trip With Joint Statement That Scotland Has Some Pretty Cool Castles #~# GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—Despite their limited efforts to address the threat posed by carbon emissions, leaders of the world’s largest economies still managed to salvage their trip to the 2021 U.N. Climate Change Conference, or COP26, with a joint statement indicating that Scotland has some pretty cool castles. “After careful deliberation among the global stakeholders, we’ve determined that our visit to Edinburgh Castle alone was bad ass and has made this summit completely worthwhile,” read the statement signed Monday by U.S. president Joe Biden,  South Korean president Moon Jae-in, Argentinian president Albert Fernández, and other G20 leaders, before going on to add that the castle ruins in the Scottish Highlands were “totally sick.” “We spent many hours together planning our tour bus route, because there are a ton of awesome castles you can visit and only so much time. Overall, though, we feel very good about the itinerary we settled on. We even toured a bit of the coastline, which is absolutely gorgeous and something we highly recommend people visit while they still can.” Reached for additional comment, numerous signatories to the statement expressed deep regret that they were unable to kiss the Blarney Stone, which they realized too late was actually in Ireland.    
Employee On Thin Ice After Taking Allotted Personal Day #~# TACOMA, WA—Warning their coworker to tread lightly or face serious consequences, office sources  confirmed Tuesday that  employee Erik Greshel was on thin ice after taking an allotted personal day. “Jesus, that guy is really playing with fire by using one of his management-offered vacation days,” said coworker Carol Fowler, explaining that Greshel had been courting disaster ever since he started taking the full thirty minute  lunch break outlined in the employee manual. “It’s crazy. He didn’t  apologize to our boss or give some defensive explanation. He just put in his formal PTO request and then didn’t show up to the office. It was bad enough when he tried to pull the same thing for major national  holidays, but this is out of control.” At press time, Greshel had been laid off after after human resources  discovered he was doing non-work related tasks on personal time.
Man Ate 2,000 Meals At Six Flags For Seven Years To Pay Off Student Debt #~# A California man used his $150 annual Six Flags pass that offers year-round access to the park, free parking, and two free meals, to eat twice a day for seven years, allowing him to pay off his student loans and buy a house. What do you think?
‘Testicle Bath’ Birth Control Device Wins Dyson Award #~# A German inventor’s ultrasound “testicle bath,” a birth control device that temporarily stops sperm mobility for several months, has won the James Dyson Award, which is given out annually to designers of new problem-solving ideas. What do you think?
Man Who Only Recently Cracked Code On ‘Buck Fush’ Still Puzzling Over ‘Let’s Go, Brandon’ #~# GLENBROOK, IL—Turning the words over in his head in a dogged attempt to understand their import, Ted Dobbes, a local man who just recently cracked the code behind “Buck Fush,” reportedly spent Tuesday puzzling over the phrase “Let’s Go, Brandon.”  “Okay, well I can certainly rule out ‘Let’s Bo, Grandon,’ because that’s simply nonsense, and it doesn’t seem to be a reference to a historical event or literary figure,” said Dobbes, 45, a self-described amateur cryptographer who had spent the last nineteen years rooting out the hidden message behind the popular anti-Bush slogan, but now found himself facing his most difficult challenge yet. “I’ve spent hours writing out every possible anagram and flipping the words every which way. I’ve even held the letters up to a mirror in case that does anything, but I still can’t wrap my head around it. Think, Ted! Think.” At press time, Dobbes had reluctantly filed away “Let’s Go, Brandon” in his mental catalogue of indecipherable enigmas alongside the word “TRE45ON” and an image of Calvin urinating on the phrase “Hope And Change.” 
Sick Jen Psaki Delivers Press Briefing From Under Blanket While Watching ‘The Price Is Right’ #~# WASHINGTON—Her face illuminated by the glow of a television, White House press secretary Jen Psaki, who tested positive for Covid-19 over the weekend, was reportedly sick and working from home Monday when she conducted a remote briefing while under a blanket and watching The Price Is Right. “Today, President Biden will be addressing world leaders in Glasgow to call for immediate action to—no, you idiot, what washing machine is $3,000?!” said Psaki, who near the end of the briefing experienced a mild coughing fit, took a sip from a thermos, and warned reporters that she would only have time for two more questions before the program returned from a commercial break for the Showcase Showdown. “Uh, anyway, negotiations continue as the president works to finalize details of his infrastructure plan, and the nine goes at the end! Put the nine at the end! Ugh. Moron. Excuse me, I’ll be right back. I just need to reheat this soup.” Psaki added that the Biden administration was working to address the global supply-chain issues that, as far as she could tell, had dramatically increased the actual retail prices of dinette tables, riding lawn mowers, and three-piece matching luggage sets.
Breakthrough Renewable Energy Technology Enables Humans To Burn Wind For Fuel #~# TEMPE, AZ—Signaling a major shift in the fight against climate change, scientists at Arizona State University announced a breakthrough in renewable energy  Monday that enables humans to burn wind for fuel. “Our game-changing wind ignition engine allows us to turn one of earth’s most bountiful resources into an energy source that simply burns off  as carbon dioxide,” said Professor Cynthia DeVine, explaining how the  technology turns the nation’s abundant gusts and breezes into fossil fuels that can be used in cars, buses, and trains, then safely stored in the atmosphere as CO2.“Our team is already looking into ways to set gales and even zephyrs aflame, thereby creating a near-endless source of fuel. We’re also crafting a proposal to set up air pipelines in some of the draftiest spots in the country. Clearly, the future for wind is very bright.” At press time, the research team had apologized after several workers were blown away in a massive wind leak.
Things You Should Never Text Your Ex After A Breakup #~# It may be tempting to reach out, but that restraining order is no joke. Here are several things you should never text your ex after a breakup.
Widow Finally Ready To Get Out There And Outlive Someone New #~# ROCKLAND, ME—Determined not to feel sorry for herself or waste the time she had left, local widow Charlotte Bridges told reporters Monday she was ready to get out there and outlive someone new. “My husband Stanley [Bridges] was the love of my life, but I know he wouldn’t want me to spend the rest of my years alone when I could be spending them with another partner who will also end up dying before me,” said Bridges, who after grieving her loss reportedly looked around, saw there were plenty of eligible septuagenarians around, and realized there just might be a wonderful man out there for her to survive. “Who knows? I could still get in a solid five to seven years with someone before I must once again serve as caretaker while his condition deteriorates and I’m forced to watch him slowly die. At the end of the day, life is short, and it’ll be even shorter for whoever I wind up with. So the sooner I move on, the better.” At press time, Bridges added that she was feeling optimistic after her friend set her up on a date with a guy who had already been through two bypass surgeries and a valve replacement.
Landlord Informs Tenants He Increasing Endless Economic Anxiety By $100 #~# CHICAGO—Blaming the change on factors like inflation and steep city taxes that were out of his control, local landlord Joel Fischer reportedly informed his tenants Monday that he was increasing their endless economic anxiety by $100. “Hello, tenants, this notice is to inform you that the perpetual pit of dread you feel in your stomach each month when you send me the majority of your salary will have a slight increase starting in 2022,” read a note posted by Fischer in the building’s stairwell, which added that occupants had 60 days to sign a new insurmountable, soul-crushing financial burden or promptly vacate the premises. “Please note that all units, without exception, will be subject to additional heart palpitations and sleepless nights, stemming from an everlasting sense that you will drown beneath the bills you owe to me and other institutions. Unless otherwise noted in your lease, we will expect you to carry this financial weight that will only get heavier and heavier that will crush you until the day you die.” At press time, sources confirmed that every single tenant in Fischer’s building reluctantly agreed to the increase in economic  insecurity rather than figure out a way to move. 
Gwyneth Paltrow Touts New Diamond-Encrusted Trepanation Drill, Drainage Bucket On Website #~# LOS ANGELES—Touting the tool’s ability to bore through several layers of skull in order to balance the body’s unknowable ethers, Gwyneth Paltrow introduced a new diamond-encrusted trepanation drill and drainage bucket on her website, sources confirmed Friday. “With just a few cranks, this elegant, stainless steel drill can pierce through the thickest parts of your cranial bone in seconds, leading to instant relief from evil demons, ghosts, and spirits possessing the soul,” said the description on Goop.com, which added that the limited-edition $8,000 kit could instantly expose the brain’s dura matter, drain cursed fluids, and release bad energy and evil thoughts into several sleek, stylish buckets. “Just mark the burring location, attach the included sterling silver drill bit, and pierce through the frontal bone for instant relief and improved blood flow. Soon, your vapors will be balanced, Satan will be expelled, and your inherent madness will be relieved like you’ve never felt before.” At press time, Paltrow unveiled a new line of custom-engraved, 120-volt electric shock machines for treating women’s female insanity.
Artist Crafting Music Box Hopes It Delights At Least One Child In Post-Apocalypse #~# TEMPE, AZ—Telling reporters that the notion helped inspire him to continue creating, Keith Gein, a local music box artisan, expressed his hope Friday that his latest work would delight at least one child in the post-apocalypse. “I work hard on each of my crafted items, so it’s nice to imagine that eventually one of them could be used to provide a moment of wonder to a dirt-smeared waif looking through a garbage dump for scrap metal to trade for potable water,” said Gein, confirming that such thoughts—of a scrawny, almost silent child curiously undoing the metal latch, hearing a few bars of the theme from Love Story, and dropping the item in surprise, only to pick it up again, mesmerized by the copper musical mechanism—helped him to get through a long day of sanding and painting the small wooden boxes. “I make an okay living from local art fairs and tourists passing through town, but I deal with the hassle of ordering art supplies and renting booth space because someday there could be a small boy, no more than 6 or 7, turning one of my boxes over and over in his hands as he lies on a pile of old rags in a bombed-out basement that’s the closest thing he’s ever known to a bedroom, vowing to learn more about the long-forgotten society that produced such an enchanting object. You know, that’s the person I’m really doing all this for.” Gein added that he had always privately prayed the post-apocalyptic child could also use a shard from one of his home-blown glass vases to slit his throat after the sounds of the music box attracted the cannibal horde. 
Homeowner Trying To Smoke Out Snakes Accidentally Burns Down House #~# A Maryland homeowner trying to get rid of a snake infestation accidentally burned their house to the ground, causing about $1 million in damages, with officials stating that the well-being of the snakes was still “undetermined.” What do you think?
Dictionary.Com Names ‘Allyship’ 2021 Word Of The Year #~# Dictionary.com has named “allyship” as its word of the year for 2021, noting the old noun taking on another definition: “The role of a person who advocates for inclusion of a ‘marginalized or politicized group’ in solidarity but not as a member.” What do you think?
Man Realizes ‘The Texas Chain Saw Massacre’ Actually Pretty Creepy After Rewatching It As Adult #~# LEBANON, NH—Saying he was stunned by the film’s macabre subject matter, area man Tyler Duchesne told reporters Friday that he had never realized The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is actually pretty creepy until he viewed it for the first time as an adult. “Back when I was a kid, it never occurred to me that the movie’s premise of a family of cannibals living in the woods and preying upon innocent passersby is really kind of disturbing,” said Duchesne, who had not seen the 1974 horror classic in decades, explaining that all the stuff about Leatherface butchering his victims with power tools went completely over his head when he watched it as a child. “I was always too focused on the whole plotline of the teenagers trying to find gas for their car to notice that they were essentially being preyed upon by these demented psychos. Man, the more I think about it, the whole idea of a character who wears a mask made out of human skin is a bit unsettling.” Duchesne added that he recently had a similar experience with another film from the early ’70s, noting that in his younger days he had not realized just how tinged with sexual undercurrents Deep Throat is.
Idiotic New Year’s Resolutions You’ll Never Actually Keep #~# With another challenging year finally coming to a close, it’s time to turn over a new leaf and attempt—with little success—to improve yourself. Here are several common idiotic New Year’s resolutions you’ll never actually keep.
New Initiative Decreases Stigma Against Homeless By Making Majority Of People Homeless #~# SAN DIEGO—In an effort to decrease the widespread social shaming  often associated with being unhoused, a new city initiative unveiled Thursday reportedly aims to decrease stigma against the homeless by making the majority of people homeless. “It’s our hope that we’ll see more empathy with our homeless population by making the vast majority of San Diegans homeless by 2025,” Mayor Todd Gloria said in a statement, outlining the city’s plan to make at least 900,000 of the city’s 1.4 million residents homeless through evictions, foreclosures, and the eventual bulldozing of much of the city’s housing stock. “We’re going to make homelessness the new normal. Our consultants repeatedly emphasized to us that many people are unable to sympathize with the plight of the homeless because they’ve never experienced a lack of housing themselves, so we’re looking to remedy that by getting almost everyone out living on the streets. Ultimately, this is a situation that comes down to equity, and there’s no better way to decrease the inequity homelessness causes than by making everyone else homeless too.” City officials confirmed the new initiative is part of a sweeping series of social reforms that also aims to decrease the stigma against the formerly incarcerated by arresting everyone and sending them to prison.
Italian Dentist Presents Fake Arm For Vaccination To Get Pass #~# A dentist in Italy faces possible criminal charges after trying to use a fake silicone arm to receive a coronavirus vaccine in order to obtain a “super” health pass required to enter restaurants and venues in Italy. What do you think?
Dollar General Opening New Store For Wealthier Shoppers #~# Dollar General will be opening 1,000 locations for its new store called Popshelf, which is aimed at younger, wealthier, suburban customers, selling higher-profit items like home goods and seasonal decor. What do you think?
Man Carefully Places Piece Of Paper In Back Pocket To Make Sure It Will Go Through Washing Machine #~# CROFTON, MD—Conscientiously stowing away the important note, local man Gary Chen carefully placed a piece of paper in his back pocket Thursday to make sure it would end up going through the washing machine. “Gotta make sure to keep this in a safe spot,” said Chen of the piece of paper containing important information for accessing his investment accounts, mindfully folding it up and placing it in his jeans to guarantee that the paper would be washed and tumble dried on high heat. “I definitely should remember to hold onto this [so the laundry cycle can shred it into tatters, thus rendering the important text completely illegible]. It’ll come in handy later [when I’m picking it out of the lint catcher piece by piece].” Chen also made sure to put the pen he used to write on the paper in his front pocket to ensure it explodes ink everywhere and ruins hundreds of dollars worth of clothing.
Woman Disgusted After Finding Out There Over 2,000 Calories In Recommended Daily Intake #~# KENNESAW, GA—Shuddering at the thought of what eating that much might do to her body, local woman Jessica Hummel was reportedly disgusted Thursday after finding out  there were well over 2,000 calories in her recommended daily intake. “Jesus, I knew it was probably a lot, but I didn’t think it would be that bad,” said the 25-year-old graduate student, who visibly recoiled upon learning the number of calories that dietitians, doctors, and nutrition scientists recommended a woman of her age, size, and activity level should consume daily. “It’s seriously 2,200 calories? Unbelievable, I had no idea. I feel sick even thinking about that. And God, are you kidding me, how much sugar? Gross. I don’t know how people do this all the time. No wonder Americans are so fat.” At press time, sources confirmed Hummel had given in to temptation and decided to just eat half.
Signs You’ve Become A Total Wine Snob #~# Not everyone can drink rotten juice and look smart while doing it. Here are several signs you’ve become a total wine snob.
Disney’s Hall Of Presidents Opens Exhibit Of Historic Shadow Leaders Who Really Ran Country #~# ORLANDO, FL—Eschewing its typical round of publicity, Disney World quietly opened a side exhibit within its Hall Of Presidents attraction Wednesday featuring the historic shadow leaders who have really run the country since its founding. “The show takes place in a narrow hallway, which is only accessible via an unmarked door off a side antechamber, and begins with a slideshow showing the history of cabinet officials, members of national security, and foreign business leaders controlling the direction of our nation,” said Disney blogger Carol Flannigan, confirming that the presentation concluded with lifelike animatronic figures of the dozens of industrialists and decision makers who have always wielded influence behind the scenes. “It was a really fun way to learn about history—there’s a whole section about Edith Wilson secretly taking power when her husband was in a coma, and I don’t want to spoil Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld’s big speech about 9/11, but it was pretty amazing.” At press time, rumors remained unconfirmed of an even more difficult-to-access side display within the exhibit featuring the lizard people who, in actuality, really control everything.
Poll: 43% Of Adults Say They Have Financially Cheated On Their Partner #~# According to a new poll, some 43% of adults with combined finances in a relationship said they’ve committed an act of financial deception, ranging from lying to their partner or spouse about money to hiding things such as cash, bills or a purchase. What do you think?
Woman Attempts To Hire Assassin From RentAHitman.com #~# A Michigan woman faces up to nine years in prison after pleading guilty to solicitation of murder for trying to hire someone to kill her ex-husband on the fake website, RentAHitman.com, where she filled out the “service request form” with a $5,000 offer of payment. What do you think?
Report: Majority Of Americans Would Support A New War If There Were Elephants Involved #~# STANFORD, CA—Since the darkest days of the War on Terror, popular support for overseas military conflicts has dwindled among Americans, but according to a report released Wednesday by the Hoover Institution, the majority of the nation would approve of a new war if elephants were used in combat. “Of all potential variables affecting the country’s appetite for warfare, we see the greatest increase when the possibility of elephant-mounted U.S. troops is introduced,” said Dorothy Heinrich, a senior fellow at the think tank, explaining that nearly seven in 10 Americans would support more unilateral military interventions if promised the chance to see the giant mammals charge into action as war drums play and soldiers let loose with fierce battle cries. “Most concerns about military spending and humanitarian issues go away as soon as there’s the prospect of elephants trampling people and impaling them with their tusks. It doesn’t matter where or why the war is being fought—as long as there’s a guy riding on one of these terrifying beasts while massacring the enemy, Americans would generally be in favor of it.” Heinrich went on to confirm that in 2003, the wide, bipartisan support for going to war in Iraq actually arose from a misunderstanding about there being elephants involved.
Man With Deep Sadness Over Never Finding Someone Who Truly Knows Him Labeled ‘The Crazy Uncle’ #~# TEMPE, AZ—Fixating on his rotating series of girlfriends and tendency to drink too much wine during holidays, local family the Bellingers told reporters Wednesday that their deeply sad relative Andrew, who longs to find just one person who truly understands him, was “the crazy uncle.” “Uncle Andy starts drinking and telling these long stories about his solo trips to Vegas and stuff— he’s such a strange guy,” niece Kelsey, 22, said of the man who constantly wonders why he has been condemned to wander the earth in search of someone to share his life with and would give anything for just a few moments of true intimate connection. “He will just talk our ears off asking us about how college is going, talking about how much fun he had when he was in school and how much he misses that time. At the table, he’ll tell a bunch of jokes about bad dates he went on. I love him, but it’s really awkward [and a sad cry for help from a hopeless, lost soul]. What a wild dude.” At press time, Andrew had reportedly cornered his brother at a family party to tell him about his new hobby of collecting antique knives.
Experts Warn Nation’s Aging Sewer Infrastructure Could Be Just One Huge Turd Away From Collapse #~# WASHINGTON—Noting a massive amount of pressure that had been slowly building in the system for years, experts warned Tuesday that the nation’s aging sewer infrastructure could be just one huge turd away from total collapse. “At this point, all it would take is for one person to eat too much of something they shouldn’t, sit on a toilet in the wrong place at the wrong time, and take a massive dump,” said EPA administrator Michael S. Regan, adding that  decades of duress and utter neglect meant the nation’s 800,000 miles of public sewers could barely handle normal-sized bowel movements as it was. “Sadly, it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when that monster shit rears its ugly head, finds itself at the wrong end of a plunger, and destroys our country’s sewers forever. Even a toilet full of small turds, if there’s enough of them, could tip the scale and cause our septic lines to erupt in ways most Americans could never imagine. God help us all.” At press time, Regan begged Americans to please do their best to hold in their bowel movements for the next 30 years while the sewage system was being repaired.
Biggest Mistakes All Gun Owners Make #~# When bullets, gun powder, and idiots mix, sometimes the results can be disastrous. Here are the biggest mistakes all gun owners make.
Study: Climate Change Causing Albatross ‘Divorce’ #~# A new study has found that albatross, known to be monogamous creatures, are separating from their life partners at a higher rate, with researchers saying that climate change is negatively impacting breeding conditions, leading the seabirds to find new partners. What do you think?
Walmart Using Driverless Trucks In Delivery Pilot Program #~# Walmart has started doing fully driverless box truck deliveries on a fixed seven-mile loop in Arkansas between its own locations as part of a delivery pilot program to test shipping stock from a warehouse to one of its stores. What do you think?
Homeowner’s Ring Security Alerts Now Just Texting News Stories About Black-On-Black Crime #~# ELYRIA, OH—Silencing her phone in frustration after the day’s fourth unprompted alert, local homeowner Delia Reid confirmed Tuesday that her Ring home security camera was now just texting her news stories about Black-on-Black crime. “Nothing at my house has gone wrong at all, but I can’t go 20 minutes without getting a message from my Ring about how it’s a damn shame that African Americans keep attacking one another,” said Reid, who noted that other than one update when her mailman was at the door, she had been sent nothing but Fox News and Breitbart articles about the “carnage” on the South Side of Chicago. “I just wanted to keep an eye on my porch; I don’t need  lectures about how we need to stop this lawlessness from spreading to the suburbs. What’s going on in Baltimore is sad, I guess, but I don’t even live there. Although now that I think about it, maybe this has something to do with my neighbor’s bike being stolen last month?”At press time, Reid had reportedly upgraded her security system with indoor cameras and bought a gun.
Hey Gamers, We Know We Can Sometimes Be A Little One-Note About Gaming So If You Ever Want To Talk About Something Else, Like Baking Or Whatever, Just Know We’re Down #~# Look, we’ll admit it! Everyone here at OGN loves video games. In fact, sometimes we get so excited speculating about upcoming titles or dissecting the latest industry controversies, we tend to forget that, for most people, gaming is just one aspect of life. We realize we can definitely be a little bit one-note in that respect, which is why we wanted to let you know that if you ever want to talk about something else, like baking or whatever, we’re totally down.
Oakley Introduces Line Of Sunglasses For Front Of Head #~# FOOTHILL RANCH, CA—In an effort to market “something a little bit different” to diehard fans of its lifestyle brand, sports apparel company Oakley unveiled a new line of sunglasses Monday specifically designed for wear on the front of the head. “We’re excited to expand into eyewear with these sleek new performance sunglasses, which have the same look and feel as your favorite pair of Oakleys, but are built for shielding your eyes instead of the back of your head,” said Oakley spokesman Brock Shannon, demonstrating how to correctly position the shades so they rest atop the nose rather than on spiky blond-tipped hair or the base of a smooth bald skull. “Whether you’re on your speedboat, on your Jet Ski, or simply on your Bluetooth in the parking lot of a local Chili’s, these bad boys can withstand the absolute sunniest conditions. Just make sure the holographic orange lenses cover your eyes, and there’ll be no more squinting under the shade of your meaty hand.” In response to concerns from longtime customers, Shannon later clarified that the new Oakleys would not interfere with the old ones already on the backs of their heads, confirming that they could wear both pairs at the same time. 
Signs You’ve Spent Too Much Time With Your Family Over The Holidays #~# Yeah, it’s time to go back home. Here are signs you’ve spent too much time with your family over the holidays.
Scientists Create Ultra-Hot Superionic Black Ice #~# Scientists have confirmed the existence of “superionic ice,” a dense, dark, and ultra-hot form of matter thought to comprise the bulk of icy planets by using lasers to squeeze a water droplet between two diamonds and blast it to star-like temperatures. What do you think?
Poll: More Americans Not Planning To Have Kids #~# According to a new Pew Research Center survey, some 44% of adults ages 18 to 49 who don’t have children say they were “not too likely” or “not at all likely” to have kids down the road, up seven percentage points from 2018. What do you think?
Man’s Natural Instinct To Fear The Unfamiliar Overcome By Promise Of ‘Great Barbecue Taste’ #~# VERNON, NJ—As he stepped cautiously toward the strange new colors on the supermarket shelf, local man Chuck Atkinson’s natural instinct to fear the unfamiliar was reportedly overcome Monday by a condiment’s promise of “great barbecue taste.” Witnesses said Atkinson first froze in place at the sight of the curious bottle that featured a diagram of pork cuts on the label, but after several moments, the words “real mesquite” eventually broke through an inherited distrust of novel stimuli that sources confirmed had evolved over 6 million years. According to reports, Atkinson’s throat was  dry and sweat beaded on his forehead as he cautiously surveyed the sauce, his terror and flight instincts finally giving way to the temptation of “experiencing Kansas City in every bite.” At press time, Atkinson was seen placing the bottle in his cart before scrambling behind a Little Debbie display at the sight of Beyond Meat Italian Sausage Crumble.
Most Offensive Things You Can Say To Someone Who Doesn’t Celebrate Christmas #~# This holiday season, try not being a total asshole. Here are the most offensive things you can say to someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas.
Study: Grandmothers May Hold Deeper Bond With Grandchildren Than Own Children #~# A new study suggests that grandmothers are more emotionally connected to their grandchildren than to their own children after brain scans showed regions associated with emotional empathy activated looking at photos of grandchildren while only regions for cognitive empathy activated when looking at photos of their children. What do you think?
New Study Suggests Cats May Legitimately Be Psychopaths #~# A new study has determined domestic cats display the traits associated with the definition of being a psychopath: callous, unemotional, and morally depraved. What do you think?
Parents Spent Too Much On Piano Lessons For Son Not To Play Dumb Little Song Every Time He Comes Home #~# GLOUCESTER, MA—Saying it was the least he could do given the amount they’d shelled out over the years, parents of local man Liam Corrigan told reporters Friday that they’d spent too much money on piano lessons for their son not to play a dumb little song every time he comes home. “We dropped close to 10 grand over the course of his childhood for those lessons and we expect to get some return on our investment by having Liam struggle his way through the first few measures of Pachelbel’s Canon while we stand around watching him,” said Ben Corrigan, confirming that he and his wife had only been holding on to their 2007 Steinway piano in order to force their son to play it on vacations. “It just doesn’t feel like Christmas until we can hear Liam atonally plunking out Jingle Bells or Frosty The Snowman till he becomes so frustrated that he leaves and shuts himself in his room.” Corrigan added that at this point he would usually insist on playing round after round of Pictionary with his daughter Melissa who practically bankrupted them by going to art school for four years. 
Woman Annoyed At Mother’s Suggestion To Consider Freezing Her Leftovers #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Dramatically rolling her eyes as the comment was made, local woman Katrina Barnes, reportedly became annoyed at her mother Thursday for suggesting it might be time to consider freezing her leftovers. “Sweetheart, don’t get mad, but I think you’re at an age now when you need to start planning ahead for future meals,” said Barnes’ mother Diana,  explaining that deliberately setting aside some good lasagna now would ensure that there will still be some left by the time she’s ready to eat it. “It’ll give you a sense of security knowing you have a perfectly cooked dish that you can easily heat up later, and then you can focus on finding someone to help you with the meal. I mean, you do want to have lasagna someday, right? Well, you’re not getting any younger, and it’s way too much to consider eating all by yourself. Why let it go to waste?” At press time, Barnes had polished off the entire container of lasagna by the time her mother finished her lecture.
What To Say If You’re Not Comfortable Traveling During Covid-19 #~# With the resurgence of the novel coronavirus, the thought of boarding a plane, bus, or train can be quite daunting. Here’s what to say if you’re not comfortable traveling during the Covid-19 pandemic.
Jelly Belly Releases New Flavors Based On J.K. Rowling’s Other Works #~# FAIRFIELD, CA—At last following up on the success of their Harry Potter-themed candies, Jelly Belly released new flavors of jelly beans Thursday based on J.K. Rowling’s other works. “J.K. Rowling fans have enjoyed Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans for years now, and we’re confident they’ll be just as delighted by our new line of products inspired by The Casual Vacancy and the Cormoran Strike series,” said Jelly Belly Candy Company CEO Lisa Brasher, who revealed new flavors based off Rowling’s 2012 op-ed for The Guardian and 2014 guest editorship of BBC Radio 4 were in the works as well. “Interested customers should hurry, because these candies are going to fly off the shelves. Flavors like English Ham and Blood Sausage will transport Casual Vacancy fans straight into the wonderful world of Howard Mollison’s delicatessen. Very Good Lives, the flavor based off the transcript of Rowling’s 2008 Harvard commencement address, is already a top seller. Another favorite is Lula Lemon based off The Cuckoo’s Calling—but obviously, you knew that.” At press time, Jelly Belly had recalled thousands of bags of jelly beans after mistaking John Grisham’s Sycamore Row for a Rowling novel. 
Babies Survive Tornado That Carried Them Away In Bathtub #~# Two babies survived one of the deadly tornadoes that hit Kentucky two weeks ago after the bathtub they were sheltering in was ripped out of the ground and tossed with them inside, their grandmother later finding them in the yard with only minor injuries. What do you think?
Biden Pledges 500 Million Free Virus Tests To Counter Omicron #~# President Biden has announced that next month, the government will start mailing free at-home Covid test kits to any U.S. household that requests one to help stop the spread of the omicron variant. What do you think?
More Fridge Magnets Forced To Take On Extra Holiday Work Holding Up Christmas Cards #~# WASHINGTON—Due to limited household supplies of the decorative appliance accessory, more fridge magnets have been forced to take on extra work holding up Christmas cards over the holidays, experts reported Wednesday. “With the increased demands of the season, nearly half of American refrigerator magnets have been left with no choice but to hold down two, three, sometimes even four of the cards, which continue to arrive in staggering numbers,” said Brookings Institution senior fellow Jim Earnshaw, who added that many of the ferromagnetic devices were already busy securing takeout menus and jury summonses when they were suddenly called upon to handle the cardstock mailers urging peace on earth, joy, or a happy, healthy 2022. “There is an urgent need to display these images of children and pets belonging to cousins and former classmates—and unfortunately, there is no one to do it outside of these whimsical magnets that were purchased as souvenirs during vacations to a national park, a Caribbean island, or Las Vegas. The current situation is entirely unsustainable.” At press time, reports confirmed a spate of stress-induced breakdowns had caused thousands of magnets across the nation to fall off the refrigerator and split in half on the ground.
Nation Gathers Around Picky Eater To Make Him Try Things He Doesn’t Like #~# TOPEKA, KS—Following repeated appeals for the man to sample “just one little bite,” sources confirmed Wednesday that the whole nation had gathered around 28-year-old picky eater Elijah Chapman in an attempt to make him try things he didn’t like. “How can you say you don’t like something if you haven’t really given it a fair chance?” said Tallahassee resident Phoebe Barbadoro, 47, whose sentiment reportedly reflected that of the entire American populace as it goaded the Topeka-based graphic designer into taking a “teeny tiny taste” of various foods that he could not stand, including chimichurri sauce, shiitake mushrooms, polenta, a veal Parmesan sub, crawfish étouffée, kimchi, enchiladas suizas, a grain bowl, and “an itty-bitty sliver” of pecan pie. “You’ve probably just never had it prepared the right way before. Come on, once you get used to the flavor profile, the texture, and the smell, you’ll see it’s absolutely delicious.” At press time, citizens from across the country had assured Chapman, who was vomiting an açai smoothie onto the sidewalk, that sometimes it was an acquired taste, but one day he would absolutely love it.
Philadelphia Woman Gives Birth On Way To Hospital In Tesla On Autopilot #~# A Philadelphia woman recently gave birth to her baby while in the front seat of her Tesla as it drove on autopilot to the hospital. What do you think?
Star High School Quarterback Blissfully Unaware He’ll Be Jets Starter 4 Years From Now #~# BEND, OR—As he excitedly slapped a teammate on the back after delivering a pinpoint 30-yard throw in practice, sources confirmed Wednesday that local star quarterback Cole Rabuck was blissfully unaware  he would be the New York Jets’ starter four years from now. “He goes out there every day, he’s got a great arm, and he just loves the game so much,” coach Ron Sever said of the 17-year-old who will be drafted fourth overall to a 3-13 Jets team and whose fans will immediately revile him and blame him for every failure. “He’s got a great head on his shoulders and a bright future [of being drafted by the Jets and repeatedly humiliated on a national stage] ahead of him. He’s a generational talent, honestly, and if he keeps it up, he could be the next Aaron Rodgers, [Mark Sanchez, Sam Darnold,] or Peyton Manning.” At press time, Rabuck, who will reportedly express relief when he is out of the NFL by the age of 27, was telling teammates he wants to play football for the rest of his life.
Worst Mistakes You Can Make At A Company Holiday Party #~# Trust us, you never want to be that person. Here are the worst mistakes you can make at a company holiday party. 
Manchin Says He Will Not Vote For Build Back Better Act #~# Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin (WV) said in a recent interview that he will vote no on the Build Back Better Act, legislation that would expand the social safety net while reducing Americans’ childcare and healthcare costs and combating climate change. What do you think?
‘Ooohhh, That Sounds Good!’ Says Woman Overhearing Pharmacy Order Of Person Before Her #~# NEW YORK—As she waited in line at the pickup counter Tuesday, local woman Beth Morton said, “Ooohhh, that sounds good!” upon hearing the pharmacy order of the person in front of her, according to witnesses at a midtown Duane Reade. “I came in here thinking I knew exactly what I wanted, but now I may have to change things up,” Morton said as she craned her neck to examine a bin of recently filled prescriptions and get a sense of what else people were ordering, apart from the 40-milligram oxycodone tablets purchased by the man ahead of her. “Maybe I’ll just get my usual order plus 30 doses of what he got. Honestly, though, if I’m going to have a cheat day, I really ought to do it right and go for the 80-milligram tabs. I swear, I always come in here just to get something light and end up leaving with half the inventory of controlled substances!” At press time, Morton was spotted in the beverage aisle selecting a wine to wash it all down with.
If Someone Gives You A Bad Gift, Do Not Say These Things #~# When in doubt, always lie. Here are things you should never say if someone gives you a gift you don’t like.
Pro Athletes Share Their Favorite Holiday Traditions #~# “I get people tennis balls as stocking stuffers. When people say I just grabbed them from Wimbledon or something, I’m right there with the receipt from Walmart.”
70-Year-Old Arrested For BASE Jumping Off Virginia Skyscrapers #~# A 70-year-old man has been arrested for allegedly leaping from tall buildings with a parachute in Northern Virginia, making as many as six leaps, including a harrowing 32-story plunge from a building over evening traffic. What do you think?
Police Finally Throw Out Old, Embarrassing Evidence From ’80s #~# MEMPHIS, TN—Shaking their heads at how things used to be while they filled up trash bags in the station, members of the Memphis Police Department had reportedly finally gotten around to throwing out a bunch of old, embarrassing evidence from the 1980s, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh my god, how terrible does all this evidence look in 2021? We can’t show this to anyone!” said Sgt. Peter Mackey, tossing a stack of documents and bags of old forensic evidence into a trash bag, adding that he hadn’t seen any of that stuff for 30 years and didn’t like being reminded of it. “Can you believe we were into collecting this kind of evidence back in the day? How mortifying. It totally made sense back then, but now it makes me cringe. We thought it was soooo important in 1986, but today it just looks completely outdated, kind of tacky even. Quick, get rid of it all before anyone sees it.” At press time, Mackey was feeling completely embarrassed after discovering a piece of hideous ’80s crime scene photographs that were totally exonerating.
FDA Will Permanently Allow Abortion Pills By Mail #~# The Food and Drug Administration announced it will permanently remove a key restriction on medication used to terminate pregnancies, allowing abortion pills to be available by mail instead of requiring patients to obtain the pills in person from specially certified health providers. What do you think?
Report: No One Got Covid And It Was One Hell Of A Party You Missed #~# MIAMI—Following a spectacular night that your completely uninfected friends will be talking about for years to come, a new report out this weekend confirmed that no one got Covid and you missed out on one hell of a party, my friend. According to the detailed and comprehensive report, 100% of the partygoers remained perfectly healthy, and they all had a blast reconnecting with old friends and making new ones while you sat at home alone, watching reruns of shows you didn’t even enjoy much the first time around. Your impulse to exercise caution in order to prevent the spread of a deadly disease appeared to have been all for naught, given that there was zero spread of Covid at the party, which those in attendance unanimously agreed was “so much fun,” “off the hook,” and “exactly what everybody needed.” At press time, the  exponential spread of the Omicron variant had reportedly ensured  the blowout bash you just missed was your last chance to engage in any kind of meaningful social interaction for the next six months.
Most Frequent Porn Searches By State #~# High school recruit signed hard
Nation’s Next Of Kin Exhausted From Constantly Identifying Bodies #~# WASHINGTON—In an urgent plea to authorities asking for a break from the emotionally draining duty, America’s next of kin announced Monday that they were exhausted and depleted from years of continually identifying dead bodies. “Sometimes it feels as if our only purpose in life is to head down to the morgue and help out investigators by viewing the remains of a loved one and crying out, ‘Yes, yes that’s them,’” the nation’s closest living relatives said in a written statement, which went on to detail the long-term mental health consequences of having to see the bloated, dismembered, or defiled corpses of family members, often on a weekly basis. “We gasp, we turn away in horror, we are wracked with sobs at the sight of a familiar face drained of life. It takes its toll. Sadly, our only consolation is the occasional vast fortune that we, as next of kin, inherit when a wealthy relative dies without a will.” The statement continued with an admission that the rare situations when the body lying on the cold slab was not a loved one, but a complete stranger, were pretty exciting.
‘Look, We’re Matching!’ Cry All 330 Million Americans, Pointing To Leopard Print Sweaters #~# NEW YORK—Screaming as they pointed at each other’s sweaters and then pointed down at their own, 330 million Americans cried, “Look, we’re matching!” upon realizing they were all wearing leopard print, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh my gosh, same sweater,” said local woman Dina Morris, 43, who was reportedly as surprised as every other U.S. resident when she stopped on a crowded midtown sidewalk and noticed that hundreds of people around her also wore leopard-patterned knits, all of them squealing with glee and swearing they didn’t plan this. “Every single one of us, really? This is too funny. What are the chances? You know, I almost didn’t wear mine. I swear! You all must be spying on me! Come on, we have to get a photo with everyone [in the United States].” The nation went on to agree this was the craziest thing that had happened since that one day last spring when all 330 million Americans showed up in bedazzled cowboy boots.
Things To Never Say To Someone Who Is Alone For The Holidays #~# If you’ve somehow managed to surround yourself with a loving group of friends and family, don’t rub it in. Here are things to never say to someone who is alone for the holidays.
Robotic Fish Frighten Aquatic Pests To Death #~# Scientists in Australia are using robotic fish that look like a natural predator to scare off invasive mosquitofish, with the frightening interaction making them so anxious that they stop breeding.” What do you think?
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Jim Jordan Forwarded Mark Meadows Plot For Pence To Stop Election Results #~# Representative Jim Jordan’s office has confirmed the congressman forwarded detailed plans from a former U.S. defense department official for the Vice President to reject election results to prevent Joe Biden from becoming president. What do you think?
The Onion Explains Inflation #~# The annual rate of inflation in the United States rose to 6.2% in October 2021, the highest such increase in three decades. The Onion answers the most common questions about inflation.
Congress To Investigate Events Of Jan. 6 Until Group Of Patriotic Americans Brave Enough To Stop Them #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that force was the only thing that would stymie the House inquiry into the insurrection, members of Congress stated Friday that the work of the Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack on the United States Capitol would continue until a group of patriotic Americans was brave enough to stop it. “We will not rest in our pursuit of the truth until a violent band of fed-up, freedom-loving citizens takes it upon themselves to come up here on the Hill and make us,” said select committee chair Bennie Thompson (D-MS), warning that if anyone attempted to impede the lawmakers’ investigation, they had better be true red-blooded American heroes who weren’t afraid to get their hands dirty. “As long as the citizens of this country are too cowardly to arm themselves and storm the halls of Congress in an attempt to either take us hostage or kill us, we will continue this process of holding former President Trump and his associates accountable. Rest assured, justice will be served unless someone has the courage to be immortalized as a revolutionary freedom fighter in the vein of our Founding Fathers.” Thompson added that the select committee was getting closer to wrapping up its work, so now’s your last chance.
Things No One Tells You Happen When You Fly First Class #~# If you think getting crammed into the cheap seats like livestock is luxurious, wait until you hear about this. Here are the things no one tells you happen when you fly first class.
‘We’re Still Gonna Go To Vegas, Buddy,’ Says U.S. Soldier Holding Dying Drone In His Arms #~# BAGHDAD—Urging the unmanned aerial vehicle to keep holding on, U.S. Army Pfc. Dirk Mahon reportedly held a fatally wounded drone in his arms Friday while telling it they would still go on that trip to Las Vegas together, the one they had always talked about. “Just picture it—you and me checking out the clubs, taking in a show at Caesars Palace, playing hold ’em at the Bellagio,” the soldier said to the MQ-9 Reaper, trying to hold in his comrade’s circuitry as it spilled from the drone’s torn-open chassis. “Can’t you see that penthouse suite on the Strip, buddy? We’re on the balcony smoking cigars, offering champagne to some girls we just met. It’ll be one crazy weekend, and you’d better look out, ’cause I’m gonna drink you under the table! Ha, yeah, by the time we’re done with it, that town won’t ever be the—Hey! Don’t you go shutting down on me, you son of a bitch! Don’t you do it!” Sources confirmed that just before its software crashed and its targeting computer sputtered to a halt, Mahon assured the drone he would make sure to look after its wife and kids.
AmazonSmile Donated More Than $40,000 To Anti-Vaccine Groups In 2020 #~# AmazonSmile, the company’s charity program that gives .5% from purchases to designated nonprofits, reportedly donated more than $40,000 to anti-vaccine groups in 2020, with a spokesperson saying they respect “a wide variety of viewpoints on the matter.” What do you think?
Smattering Of Half-Remembered Facts From Ezra Klein’s Podcast Somehow Fail To Change Conservative Family Member’s Entire Worldview #~# QUINCY, MA—Sources gathered at the Sasscer household Tuesday were reportedly baffled after a smattering of half-remembered facts from Ezra Klein’s podcast somehow failed to change conservative family member Caleb Van Horn’s entire worldview. “I told him the price of college used to be somewhere around $5,000 in the ’70s or maybe the ’80s, and he just rolled his eyes,” said 31-year-old Griffin Sasscer, who struggled to understand why, despite botching the statistic he had heard on The New York Times–produced podcast, he had not succeeded in completely undoing the effects of decades of right-wing media exposure and socialization upon his relative. “He asked if that was adjusted for inflation, and I said, ‘I think.’ I’m pretty sure it is. Whatever. The point is, the average college graduate has $300,000 [sic] in student loan debt. I’m just going to send him a link to the transcript.” At press time, reports confirmed Van Horn had gone to bed after Sasscer began playing an episode of the show over a Bluetooth speaker in the living room.
University Of Florida Launches Investigation Into Reports Of Pressure To Destroy Covid Research #~# The University of Florida is investigating possible violations of its research integrity policy following a report claiming “external pressure” to destroy evidence and delay publication of Covid-19 data. What do you think?
Bruce Springsteen Relishes Finally Telling Off Foreman After Catalog Sells For $500 Million #~# ASBURY PARK, NJ—Following years of languishing at the local steel mill under low pay and frequent mistreatment, Grammy Award-winning musician Bruce Springsteen reportedly relished finally telling off his foreman Thursday after Sony purchased his masters and songwriting catalog for $500 million. “I tell you what, Lou, you’re a prick, you’ve always been a prick, and now that I’ve got some walking-around money, I’m finally getting out of this  hellhole town,” said Springsteen to foreman Lou Martinelli, who folded his arms and scowled as the creative mind behind Greetings From Asbury Park, Nebraska, and Born To Run threw down his welder’s mask to the cheers of his fellow  steelworkers and brandished the check for half a billion dollars. “You see this money here? Well, I’m done with you riding my ass every time I clock in or out. I told you I was going to make something of myself, didn’t I? Well, you never respected me, Lou, and now you’ll never see me again. Enjoy your miserable life, you son of a bitch.” At press time, Springsteen climbed into his Chevy Impala convertible with longtime girlfriend Rosalita Valdez, revved his engine, and tore out of town on Route 71.
Critics Warn Biden’s Plan To Remove Lead Pipes Would Put Millions Of Potential Murder Weapons In Circulation #~# WASHINGTON—Denouncing the Biden administration’s plan to replace every lead pipe in the nation’s water systems, critics warned Thursday that such an initiative would put millions of potential murder weapons into circulation across American cities. “The president is proposing a dangerous new government program that would place deadly weapons in the hands of violent criminals,” said Sen. Tom Cotton (R-AR), adding that while the reduction of drinking water toxicity was a noble goal on paper, once the estimated 6 to 10 million pipes were no longer in use as mains and service lines, the increased availability of metal bludgeons would push homicide rates to record highs.  “It’s completely reckless and irresponsible to be giving out free murder weapons in the name of environmental safety. What good is safe drinking water if American families can’t walk down the street without getting their heads bashed in by a pipe-wielding thug? Lead pipes must remain safely below the ground.” Cotton later clarified that he still supported the constitutional right of law-abiding citizens to carry lead pipes in public and beat people to death in self-defense.
Somewhat Athletic Couple Gives Birth To Potential Division III Lacrosse Player #~# SPARTANBURG, SC—Friends and relatives were reportedly making predictions about the new baby’s sporting prospects Thursday after a somewhat athletic couple gave birth to a potential Division III lacrosse player. “Man, knowing who his parents are, Callum could be in the 60th, 65th percentile in terms of raw speed, and I could easily see him coming off the bench for some tiny podunk school’s lacrosse team,” said family friend Victor Wood, adding that anyone with a mother who had played two years of JV soccer and a dad who had recently started jogging again had a promisingly uninspired athletic career ahead of them. “With those genes, he’s going to be at least, what, 5-foot-9? I mean, his dad played garbage time in his small high school basketball team’s blowout losses, for crying out loud. And we still talk about how merely adequate his mom is at those Pilates classes she sometimes goes to. This kid has a chance to get a bench role on some D-III team that doesn’t offer scholarships, and if he works hard enough, you never know, maybe he’ll be a decent center-right fielder on an over-30 softball team someday.” Friends of the couple confided to reporters that they hoped the new parents would try to get their newborn son involved in sports, since there wasn’t much going on as far as their intelligence genes were concerned.
Those We Lost In 2021 #~# Like most years, 2021 featured a bunch of famous people dying. The Onion looks back at those we lost in 2021.
Tim Duncan Claims He Has Helped Over 20,000 Women With Sensible Retirement Planning #~# SAN ANTONIO, TX—Coming clean about his off-the-court exploits during his 19 years in the NBA, former San Antonio Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly claimed Thursday that he has helped over 20,000 women with sensible retirement planning. “In my playing days, every city we played in, I had at least a couple women who I’d call up and give advice to about low-risk, long-term investment strategies,” said Duncan, adding that in his prime, he was doing tax counseling with six or seven women per day. “What can I say? The women would just come to me. They knew I had a smart approach to SEP IRAs and wanted to see what mutual funds I felt confident in. I’d get my assistant to call them up before I got to their city, so usually they’d be waiting for me at my hotel, folders of tax preparation documents in hand. I don’t think any NBA player ever provided as many pragmatic retirement solutions to women as I did. One time, I even stayed up all night helping twins establish a spending plan. Man, the mineral water was flowing that night.” Duncan added that throughout his career, his then-wife knew what he was up to while he was on the road, but put up with it because she shared his belief that other women would benefit from having the knowledge that would empower them to make their own financial decisions.
Hockey Team Apologizes For ‘Degrading’ Cash-Grab For Teachers #~# A South Dakota junior hockey team and mortgage lender are apologizing after organizing a widely panned event in which school teachers scrambled to grab dollar bills off the ice during a game’s intermission to pay for classroom supplies. What do you think?
TV Show Makes Up For Lack Of Diverse Characters With Guy Who Says ‘Abuelita’ A Lot #~# LOS ANGELES—Apologizing for their blind spot in casting predominantly white actors in the first few seasons, the creators behind the TV show Family Of Five made up for a lack of diverse characters Thursday with a guy who says “abuelita” a lot. “In years past, we took the easy route and ignored diversity, but thanks to our newest addition Juan, who loudly says ‘abuelita’ about 14 to 15 times an episode, that’s no longer an issue,” said showrunner Greg Platt, who added that while Juan only has a few minutes of airtime, he makes up for it by frequently talking about his grandmother Rosa, who loudly refers to him as “mijo.” “While we can’t change the past, we hope that Juan will help us fix our mistakes by occasionally saying simple Spanish words  that our audience will definitely understand without subtitles, like ‘hola,’ ‘buenos días’ and ‘gracias.’ Juan may still be new, but we already have tons of exciting words for him to say, like ‘tio,’ ‘mi amor,’ and ‘adios.’” At press time, the showrunners issued an apology after it was revealed that the actor who played Juan was white and had zero latino heritage.
Reddit, TikTok Users Spam Kellogg With Fake Applications To Help Striking Workers #~# Reddit and TikTok users are spamming Kellogg’s job portal with fake applications after the company announced it would replace 1,400 striking union workers, crashing the site. What do you think?
Leaked January 6 Texts To White House #~# “Mr. President, you must go out immediately to address the rioters and tell them to watch Hannity at 9/8 Central.”
A-Rod Slams Manny Ramirez For Lackluster Fielding During MLB Hall Of Fame Candidate Debate #~# COOPERSTOWN, NY—Claiming the former outfielder had no place in the Hall during an intense moment as the event entered its second hour, Alex Rodriguez  slammed Manny Ramirez Wednesday for lackluster fielding over the course of his career during the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame candidate debate. “To all the Hall of Fame voters sitting in this room or watching on TV, I ask you whether someone who consistently ranked as one of the worst fielders, someone who was routinely questioned for his lack of hustle, deserves election to the Hall of Fame over a more well-rounded candidate such as myself, not to mention that I bring more seasons of MLB experience to my candidacy,” said Rodriguez at the MLB Network-hosted candidate forum, ignoring interjections by moderator Ken Rosenthal that he had gone over his allotted answer time, which in turn riled up Ramirez and Hall of Fame candidate opponents including Roger Clemens, David Ortiz, Billy Wagner, and Carl Crawford. “We’re here to make our case for election to baseball’s highest honor, and frankly, we see other candidates on this stage who I’m just not sure have what it takes to serve the Hall of Fame community. With the vote so close at hand, why are we still seeing low-polling candidates like Bobby Abreu and Mark Buehrle on this stage? Whether candidates are qualified is up to the voters, of course, but I’m not sure how you can look at someone with such a low fielding percentage as Manny Ramirez, not to mention the lack of leadership and his off-the-field issues, and wonder if he would really make a good Hall of Famer. With the future of Major League Baseball at stake here, I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that this is the most important Hall of Fame election of our lifetimes.” Longtime debate watchers told reporters it was the most memorable moment they’d witnessed since Jim Kaat sunk his own Hall of Fame candidacy in the 2002 debates when he forgot one of the names of the bases.
Games Bring People Together: We Don’t Have Any Specific Story Right Now That Proves This Point, But We Wanted To Express The General Sentiment #~# Wow, sometimes the power of gaming to bring people together simply cannot be denied, and while we don’t have a specific story right now that proves this point, we wanted to express the general sentiment.
Lakers Fans Frustrated With Volatile Hot Dog Prices In Crypto.Com Arena #~# LOS ANGELES—Numerous arguments had reportedly broken out in the concession areas Wednesday among Lakers fans frustrated with the volatile hot dog prices in the newly christened Crypto.com Arena. “This is bullshit, I was here 30 minutes ago and bought an $8 hot dog, and now I’m back and a single hot dog costs $16,000,” said irate season-ticket holder Melvin McKay, echoing complaints from fellow fans who were annoyed to be charged four figures for nachos before the prices dropped so the next person in line only had to pay 12 cents. “It’s like, pick one single price and charge that. It should be the same price for everyone at all times. Like, earlier when I was sitting down, the concession guy told me a beer was 10 bucks, but by the time I pulled out my wallet, he said it had gone up to $14,000, and then it was $33, and then 14 cents, and then $250,000. I’m sorry, but I’m not paying a quarter million dollars for a Bud Light. And then I saw the guy in front of me buy a hot dog for $8, take a bite, and then sell it to another guy for $10,000. What’s going on?” At press time, the concession lines were growing longer after arena staff informed fans that the only accepted currency to purchase a hot dog was other hot dogs.
Worst Things You Can Say To Your Rideshare Driver #~# It’s always a good idea to be nice to the person driving you, especially if they’re being abused by the gig economy at your expense. Try not to say these things the next time you’re in a car with a rideshare driver.
Pfizer Granted Emergency Use For Pill That Kills You Before Covid Can #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that the “revolutionary treatment” could change the way we fight the novel coronavirus, drug manufacturer Pfizer was granted emergency use authorization Wednesday for a pill that kills you before Covid can. “After several months of testing, Pfizer has successfully created an oral medication capable of ending the life of Covid patients far faster and more efficiently than the disease itself,” said Acting Commissioner Janet Woodcock of the Food and Drug Administration, adding that in 88% of cases, the pill succeeded in immediately cutting off patients’ airways and shutting down their brains, hearts, and other vital organs, even after just one day of infection. “When given to subjects with severe cases, the drug succeeded in getting ahead of the viral load, preventing hospital visits, and  immediately killing the patient within their own home, all at a fraction of the cost of other treatments. Once a person receives a positive Covid test, they should immediately inform their doctor so they can be prescribed the medication, pronounced dead, and placed in the ground as soon as possible.” While the drug was still only approved for killing high-risk adults, the FDA assured Americans that emergency use authorization would soon be expanded to anyone 12 and older.
Coronavirus In 2021: A Timeline #~# Initially viewed by many as a merely multi-week problem early in 2020, the coronavirus continued to spread throughout 2021 as people everywhere struggled to adapt to a new normal. The Onion looks back at key moments in Covid’s 2021 trajectory.
U.S. Facing Santa Shortage #~# The U.S. is facing a nationwide shortage of Santa Claus performers due to labor shortages—as well as health and safety concerns over Covid-19—while demand is up 120% from pre-pandemic levels. What do you think?
Time Names Elon Musk 2021 ‘Person Of The Year’ #~# Elon Musk, the CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, has been named Time magazine’s Person Of The Year for 2021, a tradition the magazine says recognizes a person, movement, or group that had the most influence in the past year. What do you think?
Amazon Fires Employees Who Didn’t Clock Out After Getting Buried In Rubble #~# EDWARDSVILLE, IL—Following last week’s deadly tornado strike on one of its warehouses, Amazon fired all employees at the facility who failed to clock out after they were buried in the rubble of the collapsing building, sources within the online retailer confirmed Tuesday. “If your time card does accurately reflect when you stopped working on that day, then you are stealing from this company, plain and simple,” said Lewis Hogan, a human resources executive at Amazon’s Seattle headquarters, explaining that the workers in question continued logging hours even though they had ceased to perform their assigned tasks once the fulfillment center’s walls and ceiling tumbled down upon them. “It’s frustrating enough to lose a warehouse during the holiday rush. But it is especially disheartening to learn that as they were trapped beneath tons of twisted steel and concrete, some of our team members actually attempted to make personal phone calls to friends and family while still on company time. These employees have been terminated.” At press time, Amazon had reportedly ordered all warehouse employees who remained on the premises to leave  immediately or face trespassing charges.
Texas School’s Unbanned Books Down To 3 Copies Of Tom Clancy’s ‘Threat Vector’ #~# SAN ANTONIO—Following the removal of thousands of volumes from the district’s shelves, sources confirmed Tuesday that Bradley Middle School’s unbanned books were down to three copies of Tom Clancy’s Threat Vector. “We feel fairly confident that there are no themes of wokeness or anti-racism in the 17th novel of the Jack Ryan series,” said North East Independent School District superintendent Sean Maika, who added that out of the complete collection of the school’s library books, textbooks, and reference materials, the 2012 techno-thriller was the sole book that stood up to the Texas school board’s scrutiny. “White students shouldn’t be made to feel lesser for the color of their skins; the only threat they should feel is from Ghost Ship cyber warfare militia leader Dr. Tong Kwok Kwan. Sure, we’ve heard some concerns from parents worried that the Chinese president’s suicide attempt is a little gruesome, but we think there are a lot of important lessons children can learn from Jack Ryan and the heroic secret operatives at the Campus.” At press time, school officials had reportedly banned the book due to incendiary comments made by President Jack Ryan’s chief of staff, Arnold van Damm.
New Marvel Trailer Reveals That Spider-Man Up To His Wild, Web-Slinging Antics Yet Again #~# LOS ANGELES—In a three-minute reel that suggests another batch of wacky hijinks were in store for the teenage superhero, a trailer for a new Marvel film revealed Wednesday that Spider-Man was once more up to his wild, web-slinging antics. “Oh, Spider-Man, you’re back to your old tricks again, aren’t you?” said viewer Kyle Crowther, expressing excitement after the motion-picture preview hinted that the “friendly neighborhood” hero would be making quips and shooting webs in the characteristic manner that movie audiences have come to know and love. “I can already tell Aunt May, MJ, and the rest of the crew will be at it again too, accompanying Spider-Man around New York City and aiding him in his customary shenanigans. What crazy capers and misadventures Peter Parker and company are about to embark on!” Crowther went on to confirm that’s Spider-Man for ya.
Political Analysts Say GOP Could Take House If A Few Key Assassinations Break Their Way #~# WASHINGTON—Noting the razor-thin leads that could be overcome with a minimal amount of bloodshed, pundits confirmed Tuesday that all the GOP needed to take the House of Representatives in 2022 was for a few key assassinations to break their way. “We’re seeing a number of races across the country with vulnerable Democratic incumbents who could be taken down with nothing more than a standard rifle,” said Meet The Press host Chuck Todd, confirming that Republicans could feel optimistic about delivering the House to Kevin McCarthy if they could just eke out a few gun-toting psychopaths in purple districts. “There’s a lot of anger at President Biden’s agenda right now, and if Republicans are canny, they can exploit that by funding local members on the ground who can translate cash into murdering their political opponents.” Todd cautioned that if Democrats weren’t careful, being sprayed by a volley of bullets could lead to significant disarray within the party.
Assisted-Suicide Pod Offering ‘Painless Death’ Cleared For Use In Switzerland #~# Switzerland has legalized new Sarco suicide pods, 3D-printed capsules that fill with nitrogen gas, which creators say will allow users to fall unconscious and die a painless death. What do you think?
GOP Warns Loophole In New Bill Could Still Allow Teachers To Sing About Critical Race Theory #~# MADISON, WI—Alarmed by what they called “a major oversight,” Wisconsin Republicans warned Tuesday that a loophole in a new bill could still allow teachers to sing about critical race theory. “Though the current version of Senate Bill 411 explicitly bars teachers from talking about critical race theory in the classroom, it has been called to my attention that there is not a single clause preventing teachers from indoctrinating our children through original ballads, anthems, or soulful little ditties,” said Wisconsin State Assembly speaker Robin Vos, who urged legislators in the state Senate to take immediate action to amend the bill, lest teachers start dividing students up by soprano, alto, tenor, and bass. “No child should be made to feel guilty about the color of their skin by a teacher singing a Swedish pop song about reparations. They’ll give the Black children the melody and stick the white children with the harmony. The next thing you know they’ll be adding dance moves, and then there’s no coming back—our children are gone.” At press time, Vos also warned the loophole would allow for schools to teach critical race theory through painting, Play-Doh, and crafting paper mobiles.
Things To Never Say When Explaining Death To A Child #~# Most psychologists recommend at least 60 days before chastising your child for grieving.
Anchor Chris Wallace Leaving Fox News #~# Fox News anchor Chris Wallace announced that he is departing the network after two decades and joining CNN’s new streaming service CNN+ to host a weekday show. What do you think?
Cash-Strapped Planned Parenthood Forced To Sell Fetus Bulldozer #~# NEW YORK—In a desperate move to stabilize the nonprofit organization amid continual threats to its funding, Planned Parenthood announced Monday that in order to shore up its finances it had been forced to sell its fetus bulldozer. “While it is unfortunate to get rid of an essential piece of machinery that helps with the day-to-day work, it’s necessary to keep our doors open and the lights on,” said Planned Parenthood president and CEO Alexis McGill Johnson, adding that the 90,000-pound Komatsu fetus bulldozer was in very good condition despite years of wear and tear from scraping away and scooping up tons of fetal tissue, and could provide the reproductive health clinics with more than $300,000 if they found the right buyer. “This is a 1,150-horsepower machine with massive blade capacity, and it’s been a real workhorse for us. Without a working fetal bulldozer, we’ll be forced to shovel by hand, but luckily, we have plenty of dedicated volunteers we can count on to help us bag and burn.” Planned Parenthood officials confirmed the sale was necessary because the healthcare provider was running out of assets to liquidate, having already sold its fetus steamroller last year.
Report: Over 90,000 Americans Die Every Year From Living Way You Do #~# BETHESDA,  MD—Singling out the behavior as one of the leading risk factors for  premature mortality, a report published Monday by the National Institute  of Health confirmed that over 90,000 Americans die every year from  living the way you do. “Our research shows that thousands in this  country die needlessly from behaving in the exact manner that you go  about your daily life,” said report author Dr. Elliot Weinstein,  indicating that your manner of sleeping, eating, drinking, socializing,  and even maintaining back posture have driven countless individuals across the United  States to an early death. “What’s especially  unfortunate is how preventable these deaths are. All these individuals  have to do is take one look at your current state—just a single look—and  realize that this is not a person anyone should want to emulate. Sadly,  it’s only on their deathbed that most ask themselves why they ever  followed your example.” Weinstein added that it was important to  emphasize, however, that it was impossible to live like you in a healthy  or responsible way.
Nation Attempts To Fall Asleep By Doing Little Impression Of Sleeping #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Climbing into bed in hopes of getting a solid night’s rest for once, a tired, bleary-eyed nation announced Sunday night that it would now attempt to fall asleep by doing a little impression of sleeping. “All snuggled up and ready to sleep—here I go!” said 26-year-old Bay Area resident Daphne Halloway, one of more than 330 million Americans who reportedly let out an exaggerated yawn, hugged a teddy bear, and squeezed their eyes tightly shut, hoping the lighthearted imitation of sleep would trick their brains into letting them drift off into a genuine slumber. “Yes sirree, I’m being whisked away to dreamland…hmm, okay, might need to sell it a little harder: Honk, shoo, me-me-me-me! Honk, shoo, me-me-me-me!” On Monday morning, reports confirmed the strategy had failed, and the nation was now stretching its arms above its head and rubbing its eyes as it began a daylong effort to do a little impression of wakefulness.
Signs You Are The Least Favorite Parent #~# Sorry, but hating you is their only option.
New Proposed Wealth Tax Would Target Americans With Circular Driveways #~# WASHINGTON—Calling for the nation’s richest to pay their fair share, Democrats proposed a new wealth tax Monday that would target Americans with circular driveways. “Homeowners with circular driveways have gamed the system for far too long, leaving everyday hardworking Americans to park on straight driveways, and in some cases, even the street,” said Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), who explained that the bill would operate on a progressive structure in which the net wealth of homeowners with semi-circular horseshoe-shaped driveways would be taxed at a 2% rate, and the net wealth of those with full circular and teardrop-shaped driveways at 6%. “There’s no reason anyone who parks on a tiny concrete driveway should be paying the same tax rate as someone with a curving brick driveway complete with a fountain in the middle and a turnaround spot. And regardless if your driveway is straight or curved, anyone whose driveway is protected by a gate or lined by stately trees will be automatically bumped to the highest bracket.” At press time, Warren added that she was also considering a similar tax on Americans whose houses had names.
TV Network Refuses To Air ‘Miracle On 34th Street’ For Outdated Depictions Of Hope, Joy #~# ATLANTA—Citing the film’s problematic portrayal of humanity as inherently good and capable of redemption, TV network Turner Classic Movies announced Monday that it would no longer be airing Miracle On 34th Street due to the 1947 Christmas film’s outdated depictions of hope and joy. “While this movie’s celebration of peace on earth and goodwill toward men might have resonated with Americans in the immediate postwar years, its antiquated themes of holiday cheer and the power of belief were wrong then and they are wrong now,” said Charles Tabesh, TCM’s head of programming, stating that the film did not belong on television and should never be screened without an introduction from a scholar that provided viewers with the full historical context of its misplaced optimism. “We understand that many Americans consider Miracle On 34th Street to be a classic, but it sets unattainable standards for the holiday spirit that have no place in our annual Christmas movie marathon.” Douglas went on to add that the network would still be airing seasonal favorite It’s A Wonderful Life, having opted for a restored and revised cut of the film that ends right when George Bailey attempts suicide.
Army Receives 15-Yard Penalty For Drone-Striking The Kicker #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Throwing the flag during the annual Army-Navy game  after the clearing smoke revealed an obvious illegal hit, Army’s football team received a 15-yard penalty Saturday for drone-striking the kicker. “I don’t know what Army was thinking there—you’re not allowed to drone-strike a defenseless player,” commented CBS play-by-play announcer Brad Nessler, saying that hitting Navy’s kicker with a missile during a field goal attempt and evaporating his body was an easy penalty call for the officials. “You can see that Army’s coach, Jeff Monken, is getting frustrated with his drone operator on the sideline, and it’s understandable. You’ve got to save those drone strikes for ball carriers, and keep the drone strikes to a minimum on special teams. That’s going to give Navy good field position going into the next drive, so we’re going to have to see Army ramp up their M16s on defense if they want to keep this game from getting out of hand early on.” At press time, the referee was standing in the smoldering crater where the kicker’s body once was to overturn the drone-striking penalty after ruling that the offensive line had false-started on the play.
Starbucks Workers At Store In Buffalo Vote To Unionize #~# A union has won the right to represent U.S. Starbucks workers, with employees at a Buffalo, NY location voting 19-8 in favor of a union, the first in the coffee retailer’s 50-year history. What do you think?
New Zillow Feature Lets Users Track Happy Lives Of People Who Outbid Them For Dream House #~# SEATTLE—In an attempt to expand its customer base to those for whom home ownership remains out of reach, Zillow rolled out a new feature Friday that lets users track the happy lives of people who outbid them for their dream house. “All you have to do is enter your zip code, have an offer turned down on a home that was perfect for you, and then watch as a couple who was willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars more moves into the place and builds a wonderful life there,” said Zillow CEO Rich Barton, explaining that the service would send users regular updates on the winning bidders as they toasted their offer’s acceptance with champagne, shared tender family moments in the home, and generally enjoyed a picture-perfect existence that could have been the user’s if they’d just had a bit more money. “Our tracking tool lets you see everything, from the finished attic the homeowners turn into a cozy study, to the parties they throw in their gorgeous backyard, to the day they bring a newborn baby through the front door and into the very room you had once dreamed of making a nursery. You’ll even get personalized alerts that keep you apprised of how the family’s wealth has grown as a result of the purchase, their investment paying off as real estate values rise to a level that prevents you from ever buying a home yourself.” Barton added that Zillow was also at work developing a feature that would allow homeowners to watch as the people they outbid grow old and wither away in their shitty, dilapidated apartments. 
Smithsonian Acquires Coat Hanger Neil Armstrong And Buzz Aldrin Used To Get Back Inside Lunar Module After Locking Selves Out #~# WASHINGTON—Touting the item as an important piece of aerospace history, the Smithsonian announced Friday that it had acquired the coat hanger Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin used to get back inside the lunar module after locking themselves out. “We’re thrilled that visitors to the National Air And Space Museum will get to see the original untwisted wire hanger that the first two men on the moon used to jimmy open the Eagle module’s door after it locked automatically,” said Smithsonian Secretary Lonnie Bunch, telling reporters that the acquisition would be permanently displayed alongside the moon rock the pair briefly considered using to break open a window. “Reading a history textbook about Armstrong and Aldrin unsuccessfully trying to contact Michael Collins who was orbiting above to see if he could give them a tow can never match the thrill of seeing the actual object they used to get themselves out of the jam, and we can’t wait for our guests to have a chance to experience that.” Bunch added that the hanger had almost led indirectly to the first murder murder in space after Armstrong realized Aldrin had the key in the pocket of his space suit the entire time. 
The Best Things We Watched And Read In 2021 #~# The year 2021 saw us consuming more content than ever as we soldiered through the second year of the coronavirus pandemic. The Onion brings you the best things we watched and read in 2021.
Timeline Of Russia-Ukraine Conflict #~# Russia’s military buildup on Ukraine’s border has stoked the threat of war, the latest escalation in a long historical conflict. The Onion looks at key moments in the timeline of the Russia-Ukraine conflict.
Worst Instagram Captions To Announce Your Engagement #~# Don’t start your marriage off on the wrong foot by destroying your already-pathetic internet presence. If you’re announcing your engagement on Instagram, avoid these captions at all costs.
Employees Immediately Tune Out CEO’s Speech After He Mentions There Won’t Be Layoffs #~# ST. LOUIS, MO—Exhaling in relief after several minutes of listening intently to the company-wide meeting, employees at local marketing firm Trend Studios confirmed they immediately tuned out their CEO’s remotely delivered speech Friday as soon as he mentioned layoffs would not be necessary. “He just told us our Q3 profits weren’t great, and that the market has been difficult to predict lately, but—yep, there we go, I just heard ‘no layoffs,’ which is what I was listening for,” said account manager Aaron Fried, who reportedly joined all 180 of his coworkers as they proceeded to mute their audio, minimize the Zoom meeting’s window, and open a tab on their computer to see where they should order lunch. “I wasn’t sure where this was going with all the money talk, but that PowerPoint slide that read ‘Layoffs not required’ was all I needed to see.  He’ll just use the rest of his time to pat himself on the back, deflect blame, and so on. But it’s such a load off knowing my livelihood isn’t in danger.” According to internal sources, the CEO then clarified that while mandatory layoffs were not necessary, avoiding them would be contingent upon 70% of the staff agreeing to voluntarily exit the company by the end of the day. 
CEO Fires 900 Employees Over Zoom #~# Mortgage company Better.com CEO Vishal Garg drew criticism after informing about 900 employees over a Zoom call that they were all “terminated, effective immediately,” citing changes in the market for the mass layoffs. What do you think?
Instagram Now Telling Users To Take A Break From Using App #~# Instagram has started offering “take a break” reminders if users have been scrolling on the social media app for too long, pinging people after 10, 20 or 30 minutes of scrolling to suggest that they switch activities. What do you think?
Executives Urge Boycott Of Kellogg’s After CEO Receives Insulting Salary Offer Of $11 Million A Year #~# BATTLE CREEK, MI—Flooding social media with posts encouraging consumers to take action, executives  reportedly urged a boycott of Kellogg’s Thursday after CEO Steve Cahillane received an insulting salary offer of just $11 million a year. “We’re calling on everyone to hold the line and not purchase any Kellogg’s products until our company’s board of directors makes serious improvements to its pathetic offering of only $11 million per year with minimal stock options to our hardworking CEO,” read a statement signed by Cahillane and other members of the company’s C-suite, adding that they had been negotiating in good faith for a minimum of $20 million each per year, but the board had refused to budge on their lowball offer. “We want you to hit this greedy company at the bottom line where it hurts. If you usually buy Eggo, Nutri-Grain, or Pringles, we want you to stop all purchases of Kellogg’s products until this grave injustice is remedied. If they think they’re not going to let us take unlimited private jets or receive partial down payments on our vacation homes as part of our compensation packages, they’ve got another thing coming. And it’s not just the CEO—the salary offers for the regional senior vice presidents are in the low eight figures. It’s just ridiculous how they’re treating us. And if requiring more oversight for platinum company cards wasn’t cruel enough, they’re actually doing this while our poor vice chairman is out of the office because he’s on vacation in the south of France for six weeks. The nerve of these people is shameful, but we guess that’s just how the system treats CEOs. We call on everyone who appreciates Kellogg’s products to boycott the company until they give us what we’re owed.” At press time, incensed Kellogg’s executives put out a call to boycott the company’s products permanently after the board responded to the executive strike by hiring a scab CEO.
Cannabis Company Makes 850-Pound Pot Brownie #~# Massachusetts-based cannabis company MariMed, Inc. has baked the world’s largest pot brownie, weighing 850 pounds, measuring three feet wide, and containing 20,000 mg of THC. What do you think?
Mrs. Fields CEO Under Fire For Laying Off 1,000 Employees Via Cookie Cake #~# BROOMFIELD, CO—In a move that many have criticized as rash and insensitive, inside sources confirmed Thursday that CEO Tim Casey of the baked goods conglomerate Mrs. Fields was under fire for laying off more than 1,000 employees via an oversized frosted cookie cake. “If you’ve been invited to take a bite of this delicious 12-inch chocolate chip cookie, then you are unfortunately part of the group that is being laid off today,” said Casey, who urged the outgoing staff members to help themselves to a piece before it was all gone, explaining that the cursive words rendered in gourmet buttercream frosting constituted legal notice of their immediate termination. “As CEO, I believe it is my responsibility to invite you to the break room and serve you this sweet treat myself. I hope learning of your dismissal in such a tasty manner makes the news easier to bear. Regardless, this cookie cake represents the entirety of your severance package.” At press time, Casey had reportedly succumbed to outside pressure to smooth the transition for departing employees by providing workers and their families with a complimentary three-month subscription to the Mrs. Fields Cookie Club.
‘And What Do You Want Me To Do, Brush Every Night?’ Snaps Jen Psaki At Dentist Suggesting She Could Improve Oral Hygiene #~# WASHINGTON—Bristling at the suggestion that more could be done to maintain good oral hygiene, White House press secretary Jen Psaki reportedly snapped at her dentist Thursday, questioning whether he seriously expected her to brush every night. “What exactly is the core premise of this line of questioning, Dr. Hoffman? You’re saying I should be brushing every single night, and I’m responding that this is a clear misreading of history,” said the combative Psaki, who firmly pushed back on what she described as a “lack of context” that prevented her dentist from seeing a significant rise in flossing since her previous visit. “If you’re just going to interrupt me every few seconds to tell me to ‘close and spit’ and peddle long-debunked hearsay about possible cavities then I’m sorry, I’m not going to take any of these invasive and highly personal questions about whether I use mouthwash. This isn’t constructive and you know it isn’t what a routine cleaning is about.” At press time, Psaki had stormed out of the office after her dentist demanded she let him take a few follow-up x-rays.
Bad News Gamers: It Appears Now Is Not The Time For Idle Merriment #~# Dang, we have some really unhappy news to share with gaming fans today, news that it brings us no pleasure to write about: Unfortunately, it appears now is not the time for idle merriment.
Fantasy Owner Struggles With Morality After Absolutely Swindling Friend In Last Place #~# NAMPA, ID—Stewing with anxiety and unable to sleep while fretting over what he was capable of, local fantasy football owner Max Sheridan was struggling with his morality Thursday after absolutely swindling his friend who was in last place. “He just recognized the name Matt Ryan, he thought he was getting a star, and I just strung him along the whole time,” said Sheridan, who flipped through some Bible passages on forgiveness and greed while wondering how the desire to win could drive him to such depths. “I keep telling myself he’s just a work buddy, but does that make it okay? I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I also know I needed [Austin] Ekeler if I was going to compete for the championship, so I still did it. What does that make me? But wouldn’t Brett do the same thing if he were in my position? He’s even worse than me. Better me winning than someone like him, right?” At press time, all of Sheridan’s concerns had disappeared after winning the weekly $25 pool for most points in a week.
‘Sesame Street’ Introduces First Enigmatic Muppet Who Has Yet To Reveal True Intentions #~# NEW YORK—Renewing their commitment to diverse representation, the producers of Sesame Street introduced the show’s first deeply enigmatic Muppet character Thursday, a fuzzy, frail, and vacant-eyed monster who has yet to reveal his true intentions. “Despite our progress over the years, we realized Sesame Street had not yet found a way to represent mysterious, unsettling personas who speak in cryptic verse and invoke a sense of portentous doom,” head writer Ken Scarborough said of Rodolfo, a pale and perplexing puppet who in his debut episode  hovers motionlessly in the background of every scene, eventually stepping forward to challenge the viewer with an inscrutable riddle. “We have Rodolfo looking up at the sky a lot, tearing absently at his fur, and counting backward from 10, over and over, for no discernible reason. This adds an air of authenticity to the character and will introduce children to the kinds of haunting and inexplicable figures they may one day find lurking in the shadows of their own lives. Longtime fans can also watch as beloved residents of Sesame Street like Big Bird, Abby Cadabby, and Elmo mumble warily to themselves in an attempt to discern whether Rodolfo is friend or foe, never really finding an answer.” At press time, children watching the latest episode had reportedly been driven to madness by the repeated deployment of Rodolfo’s catchphrase, “It’s coming…it’s coming soon.” 
Devin Nunes Leaving Congress To Run Trump Social Media Venture #~# Rep. Devin Nunes, (R-CA) will resign from Congress next month to become chief executive of former President Donald Trump’s fledgling social media company, despite having no prior tech industry experience. What do you think? 
Senators Explain What Gun Control Means To Them #~#  “I’m against outsourcing any job that can be better accomplished by these American fists.”
Kim Jong-Un Eagerly Waiting For Inner Circle To Get Big Enough So He Can Start Executing People Again #~# PYONGYANG—Feverishly anticipating the moment when he can return to his cherished pastime, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un told reporters Wednesday that he was eagerly waiting for his inner circle to get big enough so he can begin executing people again. “Man, I’ve been giving out a lot of promotions to grow party leadership, but it still feels like it’s been forever since I’ve poisoned a cabinet member or used artillery to blow up an advisor,” said Kim, stressing that he blamed himself for winnowing down his once-substantial inner circle with nerve gas and electrocutions without an eye to the future predicament in which he would land himself. “Obviously, it’s tough, because I’m insane, so I’d love to just kill one of the few officials still sitting in my meetings, brand him as an enemy of the people, and maybe pose for a photo with his decapitated corpse. But then I’d just be in an empty room and what do I do then? Poison myself? I don’t know. Seems less appealing. Unfortunately, I’ve also assassinated most of my relatives or I’d just promote them up the ranks.” Kim added that it simply wasn’t exciting enough to execute one person at a time and that he was firmly committed to the fun of large-scale political purges.
Damian Lillard Gives Trailblazers List Of 12,482 Preferred Trade Destinations #~# PORTLAND—Expressing a willingness to work with Portland on figuring out the best deal for both parties, Damian Lillard told reporters Wednesday that he has provided the Trailblazers with a list of 12,482 preferred trade destinations. “My list definitely includes the Lakers, the Nets, any Euroleague team, and every Division I college team,” said Lillard, who claimed his dissatisfaction with Trailblazers’ front office was behind his push to join the Clippers, the Shanxi Loongs, or Google’s corporate front office. “Honestly, I’d even be happier in Memphis, there is a KFC in Kansas City that would work for me, or any youth soccer team in Florida where I could actually make a meaningful impact. I think my top choice besides the Warriors would be the International Space Station.” At press time, the Trailblazers were considering an offer for Lilliard of a $100 gift card from a Best Buy in eastern Massachusetts.
Be Cool, For Once, Gamers: Mrs. Thompson Said We Might Get to Play ‘Minecraft’ If We Finish The Quiz By 11:45 #~# Look, gamers, we hate social studies quizzes as much as the next guy, but it would be in all of our best interests if we just kept our heads down and got it done as soon as possible. Why, you ask? Were you even listening? Mrs. Thompson said we might get to play Minecraft if we can all finish by 11:45. 
Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Displays 43 Bullets Ringo Starr Took For John Lennon Before Mark David Chapman Caught Him Off Guard #~# CLEVELAND—Calling the recovered projectiles an essential part of pop music history, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame unveiled a new exhibit Wednesday, displaying all 43 of the bullets that Ringo Starr took for John Lennon before Mark David Chapman caught the Beatle drummer off guard on Dec. 8, 1980. “Each round of ammunition in this exhibit stands as a testament to the love Ringo felt for John, a devotion that led him to repeatedly dive in front of his friend to thwart the many would-be assassins who targeted Lennon during concerts, protests, his appearances on The Dick Cavett Show, and recording sessions,” said the organization’s president Greg S. Harris, who observed that each revolver slug, shotgun pellet, and (in one case) artillery shell had been carefully preserved through the decades following their surgical removal from Starr’s body. “Obviously, fans will want to look at the 11 bullets that Ringo famously took from a burst of machine-gun fire during one of Lennon and Yoko Ono’s Bed-Ins For Peace in ’69. But when you see all 43 bullets—which the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has brought together in the same room for the very first time—you really get a sense of how much this heroic drummer sacrificed. Some might quibble that Ringo should have been more prepared for the lethal strike outside the Dakota apartment building that fateful December night, especially considering how many times he’d been shot by Chapman before. But in fact he arrived just seconds too late, having been delayed because he was still recovering from the multiple stab wounds he had received while thwarting a knife attack on George Harrison the same evening.” Museum officials added that three of the bullets on display were especially valuable because they had been fired by Paul McCartney during the sessions for what became known as the White Album.
Kentucky Derby Winner Medina Spirit Dies During Track Workout #~# Medina Spirit, the controversial Kentucky Derby-winning horse that tested positive for betamethasone, died at the Santa Anita racetrack after the 3-year-old colt collapsed from a heart attack during a routine workout. What do you think?
U.S. Announces Diplomatic Boycott Of Beijing Winter Olympics #~# The Biden administration has announced it will not send an official U.S. delegation to the 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing, in a “diplomatic boycott” to rebuke China over its human rights abuses. What do you think?
Most Frequently Googled Sex Questions #~# Don’t be ashamed if you’re confused about sex, because no one in the world has a clue what it is. Here are the most common questions people have asked Google about sexual intercourse.
‘You Know, If I Were You, I’d Go After Finland,’ Says Biden Trying To Dissuade Putin From Invading Ukraine #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to dissuade the Russian leader from invading Ukraine, President Joe Biden reportedly told Vladimir Putin Wednesday, “You know, if I were you, I’d go after Finland.” “Ukraine’s cool and everything, but Finland has, like, an eighth of the people and twice the GDP—it’d be a breeze to annex, really,” said Biden on a phone call, hoping to avert a global crisis by convincing Putin that out of all the bordering countries Russia could possibly attack, the small Scandinavian nation had the most “bang for your buck.” “Look, I’m not trying to step on your toes; I’m just reminding you that you’ve got options. Why would you want a Slavic country anyway? You’re already a Slavic country; it makes no sense. Honestly, I doubt if they would put up much of a fight. Plus, I just Googled Finland, and wow, it looks beautiful. You can’t visit Santa Claus Village in Ukraine.” At press time, Biden added that invading Finland would also put Putin perfectly in position to invade Sweden.
‘The Oregon Trail’ Turns 50 #~# The original The Oregon Trail computer game debuted December 3, 1971, spawning a beloved series played by generations of children. The Onion looks back at key moments in the history of The Oregon Trail.
Teary-Eyed Prince Andrew Reveals Ghislaine Maxwell Groomed Him To Have Sex With Dozens Of Teens #~# LONDON—Tearing up while describing the harrowing scene, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, revealed in an interview Tuesday that Ghislaine Maxwell had groomed him to have sex with dozens of teens. “When I got to Epstein’s island, she led me by the hand to a private room where she insisted I have intercourse with underage girl after underage girl,” said Prince Andrew in the bombshell CNN interview, sobbing profusely as he detailed how Maxwell had slowly gained his trust by promising him sexual liaisons with teenagers, only to turn around and betray him by following through on that promise. “She guided me from the very beginning, making me feel comfortable, facilitating my flights to Little St. James, assuring me that it was our little secret, and after it was over, she wouldn’t let me return no matter what I did without an additional surcharge.” Prince Andrew added that he had avoided speaking out earlier due to his terror of facing reprisal from these powerful little girls.
Study Finds 87% Of Home Invasions Foiled After Homeowner Nervously Mutters, ‘Who’s There?’ #~# BOSTON—In a groundbreaking study of burglary-response tactics published Tuesday, researchers at Northeastern University’s School of Criminology and Criminal Justice found that 87% of home invasions were foiled when victims nervously muttered, “Who’s there?” upon hearing a strange noise. “Our extensive analysis of police reports indicates that almost nine in 10 trespassers dropped what they were doing and fled immediately after the home’s occupant awoke, sat bolt upright in bed, and gasped, ‘What was that?’ or something similar,” the study read in part, before adding that two-thirds of would-be assailants promptly returned chef’s knives to kitchen drawers following a whispered “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God” from the other room. “The majority of burglars will quickly return  jewelry to the place they found it and crawl back out the window they jimmied open if a person simply turns on a bedside lamp and ask what’s going on out there. It remains the most successful strategy.” The study went on to note that 13% of the time, a shakily uttered inquiry was enough to convince burglars to tie themselves to a dining room chair and offer to wait until the police arrived.
Things You Should Never Say To Someone Who Makes Less Money Than You #~# It’s not polite to brag, even around the penniless street urchins. Here are things you should never say to someone who makes less money than you.
Australia Drunkest Country In World #~# The world’s largest annual drug survey has ranked Australia as the drunkest country on the planet, with residents surveyed getting drunk an average of 27 times over the course of the year, almost double the global average of 15 times. What do you think?
CNN Fires Chris Cuomo #~# CNN has fired anchor Chris Cuomo after new evidence emerged about his use of media sources to defend his brother, former Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY), of sexual assault as well as a sexual misconduct allegation brought against the anchor. What do you think?
Old TV Show’s Joke About Richard Nixon Being The Current President Would Never Fly Today #~# CARLSBAD, CA—In a moment that reportedly caused viewers to reflect at how much freedom comedians used to have, an old TV show’s joke about Richard Nixon being the current president would never fly today, sources confirmed Monday. “It just shows how much things have changed—if a late-night show host got up there today and made a joke where Richard Nixon is the current president of the United States, he’d get criticized immediately,” said Elliott Lerner, one of the many viewers of an old 1971 clip of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson who reportedly shook their head in amazement at how much the climate for jokes has changed in recent years. “If you did that right now, people would start attacking you on Twitter for presenting lies and misinformation to the audience while maintaining it was just a joke. And it’s not only TV. If I went to some local standup comedy open mic and repeated verbatim this joke by Johnny Carson—Johnny freaking Carson!—about Richard Nixon being the current president and embroiled in the war in Vietnam, I bet you no one would even laugh because everyone’s too uptight these days. Everyone would be all up in arms about how it’s not appropriate to make a joke where Richard Nixon is the current president of the United States in 2021. You just couldn’t get away with these days. It’s pathetic. And don’t even get me started on that quip about Spiro Agnew being the vice president—that joke would never, ever land today.” Viewers of the footage admitted that there was some material in the 1971 Tonight Show broadcast that had stood the test of time, as a joke about Elizabeth II being the queen of England still resonated with viewers today just as much as did back then.
Federal Witness Protection Program Criticized For Failing To Create Believable Female Identities #~# SIOUX CITY, IA—Facing scrutiny for a double standard when it comes to gender, the Federal Witness Protection Program was under fire Monday for what detractors called a clear failure to create believable female identities. “Women make up 50% of the population and yet most of these witnesses are reduced to playing stereotypes like “housewife” or “nurse,’” said law enforcement critic Geanna Linx, telling reporters that women who were party to a crime and had been spirited away across the country were often given feather-light dossiers that included descriptions such as “hot but doesn’t know it,” or “a real ice queen.’” “There have been some minor improvements in recent years, with agents including jobs like architect or magazine editor, but they’re still very trite and underwritten. And if you’re a witness over 40, they tend to basically just ignore your testimony altogether. Really, we’re not going to see the types of changes we need until we have a lot more women marshals in WITSEC coming up with these identities.” Linx added that it was arguably even worse for nonwhite program members who often ended up being relegated to roles as a next door neighbor or work colleague of a white witness. 
Abortion Laws In Every State #~# The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how female reproductive rights are mangled, mutilated, and butchered at the state level.
Aging Stalker Not Sure How Many Good Years Of Crouching In Bushes He Has Left #~# ROCKFORD, IL—His joints cracking as he struggled to conceal himself amid the landscaping outside an area home, aging stalker Geoff Morton reported Monday that he wasn’t sure how many good years of crouching in bushes and peering through windows he had left. “I’d best enjoy this while I still can, because lately I get sore after just a few hours of staring between parted branches and observing someone’s every move,” Morton said from the interior of a myrtle bush, shaking a leg that had fallen asleep as he watched an unsuspecting woman who had once served him coffee undress for bed. “Back in my 20s, I could follow a woman home from the park and stay hunched over in the shadows all night, but now I barely last 10 minutes before I have to take a break and stretch my back. Not to mention I just can’t fit behind the rhododendrons as easily as I used to. I suppose it’s only a matter of time before my knees give out, I fall from a tree, and I’m caught.” Morton vowed, however, that he wasn’t going to become one of those “creeps” who installs hidden cameras and watches from home, saying he planned to spend his retirement hiding in bedroom closets and gazing at the object of his obsession as she slept.
Office Workers Terrorized By Unhinged Ex-Employee Dropping In To Say Hi #~# PHOENIX—Describing the 15-minute incident as “a nightmare come to life,” local office workers at Martin Realty were reportedly terrorized Friday by an unhinged ex-employee dropping in to say hi. “We always knew he was a bit off by the way he’d say ‘good morning’ and ask about how our weekend was, but we never thought it’d escalate to anything like this,” said administrative assistant Andrea Foder, who was one of several employees who were forced to barricade themselves inside the bathroom as former associate Henry Bassett stalked his way through the office suite, openly carrying a large box of pastries. “He was definitely disgruntled after getting laid off, saying stuff like, ‘I’m really going to miss you guys,’ and, ‘Let’s keep in touch,’ but at the time I chalked it up to the heat of the moment. I guess I should have taken the threat more seriously.” At press time, a rattled Foder stated, “That could have been me,” after learning that Bassett had taken two of her coworkers to lunch. 
‘Home Alone’ House Available To Book On Airbnb #~# The Chicago-area mansion featured in the 1990 Christmas film Home Alone has been made available to book on Airbnb, with the one-night only stay featuring “booby traps” and the actor who played Buzz greeting guests. What do you think?
Seahawks Offensive Lineman Confused By Complicated Scheme Requiring Him To Make Block #~# SEATTLE—Telling reporters that he had never seen a play drawn up like that before, Seattle Seahawks center Kyle Fuller  admitted his confusion Sunday over a complicated scheme that required him to make a block. “I thought I understood what I was supposed to do on the play until the offensive coordinator drew this weird thing where he wanted me to block one of the pass rushers,” said Fuller, adding that he asked his fellow linemen, including veteran Duane Brown, what the cryptic play call might mean, but no one could figure out why they would be expected to block all of a sudden. “I’m 27 years old, and in my whole career as an offensive lineman I’ve never once encountered a complicated play like this requiring me to block. I’ve also got a lot on my plate already as it is, since every play I already hike the ball to the quarterback, and after that I always hold my hand out to help him up from the ground once the play’s whistled dead. What about spreading my arms out and looking around as the other players rush past me? When am I supposed to do that? That’s the way I’m used to playing.” Fuller reportedly wasn’t the only Seahawk having trouble deciphering the team’s play calls, as quarterback Russell Wilson told sources he was confused why the vast majority of the team’s offensive plays required him to scramble around in the backfield not seeing open receivers for a little while before getting sacked.
Centrist NFL Fan Spends Sunday Rooting For Line Of Scrimmage #~# MADISON, NJ—Wildly celebrating after the line held its ground on a 3rd and 2, centrist NFL fan Brian Ducklo reportedly spent all day Sunday rooting for the line of scrimmage. “These radical fans on either side don’t understand that the real important thing is where the ball is, and it shouldn’t move too far past the 50-yard line in either direction,” said Ducklo, who claimed the steadiness, consistency, and unity of the line of scrimmage was more important than divisive actions like touchdowns. “These extremists on either side just want one of these teams to win. They have to understand that it’s not about their side gaining all the yards. I don’t see why we can’t end in a zero-zero tie with the ball not moving. And that’s what the majority of the fans want to see, too. I don’t need anything showy like a first down.” Ducklo added that an outcome in which one of the two teams was declared the victor could mean the very end of the NFL as we know it.
Germany Imposes Nationwide Lockdown For Unvaccinated People #~# Germany has announced a lockdown for the 26% of its population not vaccinated against Covid-19, banning them from all non-essential businesses in order to curb the country’s recent surge in coronavirus. What do you think?
Bounty Scientists Scream As Experimental Paper Towel Absorbs Entire Lab #~# CINCINNATI—In a horrifying accident that is said to have resulted from obsessive and irresponsible attempts to develop a product with the thickest quilting possible, multiple scientists at paper towel manufacturer Bounty reportedly died screaming Friday after an experimental prototype absorbed their entire lab. “My God, we were only trying to devise a quicker and easier way to clean up everyday messes and spills—what unholiness have we wrought?” said Bounty research and development head Leonard Banco, who was later heard crying in agony as his body dissolved into the blindingly white, fibrous folds of the hyper-absorptive towel. “In the past, our experiments have always stopped once the bright blue liquid was soaked up, but this paper towel appears to be insatiable… Run, you fools! It won’t stop until it has absorbed every last drop of our blood!” At press time, reports confirmed the paper towel had wiped away most of Kentucky and Ohio, sopped up the Great Lakes, and set to work on several tough, set-in condiment stains on the shirtfront of Erie, PA man Don Turnbee.
Signs The Spark Has Definitely Left Your Relationship #~# If your partner is sending you this article, you might have a problem. Here are the biggest signs the spark has left your relationship.
‘Information About Your Upcoming Flight’ Email Informs Passenger That Airplane Will Go In Sky #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to keep customers apprised of what to expect on their trip, a United Airlines email with the subject line “Information About Your Upcoming Flight” reportedly informed passengers Friday that airplane will go in sky. “You go up, up, up!” read the informational email in part, confirming that sky was up where clouds are. “Sit down in seat on plane and you fly way high in air where are bird and balloon. Whoosh through big blue sky! Yippee!” At press time, the email assured concerned passengers that airplane not go so high that it crash into sun.
What To Know About The Covid Omicron Variant #~# The B.1.1.529, or Omicron, variant of the coronavirus was reported by the World Health Organization on November 24, and speculation about it is now running rampant. The Onion answers the most pressing questions about the Covid Omicron variant.
Party Evacuated Following Reports Of Host Assembling Some Sort Of Activity #~# DENVER—Still feeling shaken from their narrow escape, a local party was evacuated Friday following numerous reports of the host assembling some sort of activity. “He started directing everyone toward the living room, and that’s when I knew I needed to get out of there fast as I could,” said 29-year-old Christopher Kranenburg, who recalled the panic and fear that broke out across the party after the guests heard the words “game” and “teams,” and the subsequent mad dash to grab coats and get to the door that ensued. “There was only one exit not right by the host, and a lot of pushing and shoving. I even saw one guy go out a window. I was so scared when I couldn’t find my boyfriend, I thought maybe he had gotten roped into a round of oversized Jenga or Cards Against Humanity. I can’t even begin to describe the relief I felt when I found him standing safely across the street.” At press time, the evacuated guests had found refuge at a local bar.
Twitter Bans Sharing Images Of Private Individuals Without Their Consent #~# Twitter will now let private individuals request the removal of pictures or videos of them that were posted without their consent, except in cases of public interest or if the subject is a public figure, unless they’re being harassed. What do you think?
Trump Tested Positive For Covid Ahead Of 2020 Debate With Biden #~# Trump’s Chief of Staff Mark Meadows claims in a new book that ​​the former president first tested positive for Covid-19 three days before his first debate with Joe Biden in 2020, and nine days before being hospitalized for the virus. What do you think?
Hospital Adds $20,000 Scan That Informs Patient Whether They Have Feet #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to expand the facility’s diagnostic testing capabilities, Mount Sinai Medical Center announced Thursday it had begun offering a $20,000 scan that hospital administrators described as “a vital tool” to help physicians detect whether a patient has feet. “With the addition of our new lower-extremity imaging service, we hope to provide our doctors with important insights into the human foot, specifically its presence or absence in a given person’s anatomy,” said Sinai Health System CEO Karen Teitelbaum, noting that in the future, the technology used to perform the $20,000 scan might be able to determine not only if an individual has feet, but also how big they are. “After waiting a few days for the test to come back, a provider will discuss its results with the patient and create a treatment plan based on whether or not they possess this physiological feature, which studies have shown is key to normative short-range mobility. An additional, similarly priced test may then be ordered to determine the total number of feet the patient has.” Teitelbaum added that while the $20,000 scan was not yet covered by insurers, it would be conducted automatically on all incoming patients who do not request, fill out, and submit a form asking to opt out of it.
Signs Your Mother-In-Law Actually Hates You #~# As if sharing your life with a loving, supportive significant other wasn’t bad enough. Here are the most obvious signs your mother-in-law actually hates you.
Rob Manfred Confirms Pete Rose Remains Ineligible From DraftKings Official MLB Hall Of Fame At Cooperstown #~# NEW YORK—Declaring that the former player would continue to be punished for tarnishing the game of baseball by gambling, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred confirmed to reporters Thursday that Pete Rose remains ineligible for election to the DraftKings Official MLB Hall of Fame at Cooperstown. “Being part of the DraftKings MLB family, and in particular enshrinement in the Hall’s FanDuel Circle of Greatness, are privileges we refuse to extend to those who would stoop so low as to bet on the game of baseball,” said Manfred, adding that the lifetime ban on the all-time hits leader for gambling also applied to appearances at any Bally Sports-sponsored MLB playoff games, as well as the Fox Sports Betting App All-Star Game. “This man did something unforgivable. The DraftKings Official MLB Hall of Fame is a sacred institution, reserved for those who honored the game of baseball during and after their careers, and we wouldn’t besmirch its integrity by admitting Pete Rose, not even via the BetMGM Veterans Committee. The Hall is open only to those who play the game with fairness or those who use the code RedsWin during the nomination process. We’ll set the over/under on him being ever enshrined in the Hall of Fame at 500/1 odds, so get your prop bets in with theScore’s official betting app now.” Manfred also defended the current informal disbarment from the Hall of Fame of players associated with steroids, like Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens, saying that athletes who used drugs to gain an edge didn’t deserve a place in Cooperstown’s hallowed HGH Gallery.
A Week In The Life Of Taylor Swift #~# Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion asked singer-songwriter Taylor Swift to provide a window into a typical week in her life.
Prison Acknowledges Security Lapse That Led To Ghislaine Maxwell Spending Night In Noose Room #~# NEW YORK—Officials from Brooklyn’s Metropolitan Detention Center issued a statement Thursday acknowledging a security lapse that led to Ghislaine Maxwell spending the night in the prison’s noose room. “As a high-risk prisoner, Ghislaine Maxwell should never have been allowed in the noose room for more than two hours unaccompanied at a time,” said warden Heriberto Tellez, who explained that the mistake that sent the defendant to the cell full of dozens of nooses dangling from the ceiling was the result of a clerical error. “We apologize for the oversight and promise it won’t happen again. And beyond that, the fact that water started rushing into the noose room and filled the space to the ceiling is very regrettable.” At press time, officials confirmed that they had rectified their mistake by transferring Maxwell to the fire room.
U.S. Warns Dozens Of Foreign Powers Have Access To Food #~# WASHINGTON—Americans were urged to be on high alert Thursday after Mark Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, warned that dozens of foreign powers have access to food. “Intelligence from our operatives across the globe reveals the disturbing reality that the vast majority of our potential foreign adversaries have stockpiles of food and would be willing to feed their populace, posing a direct threat to the American way of life,” said Milley, adding that officials were in possession of satellite photos of farms, grocery stores, and even grain silos in countries hostile to the United States. “We’re talking foreign powers like Cuba, Russia, and Venezuela—not to mention China—which, over the last decade, have accumulated countless stores of meats, rice, and vegetables. We also have reliable indications that many of these food-equipped countries are enriching their foods with seasoning. With so many nutrients, there’s no telling how strong the people of these countries could become. Allowing this type of nourishment proliferation around the world represents a grave threat to United States hegemony. We call on all countries of this world to desist from stockpiling food at once.” At press time, Milley informed reporters that the U.S. military was preparing to pursue a defensive plan of salting the fields of any nation that did not comply. 
Starbucks Dangles Tied-Up Union Organizers Over Vat Of Steamed Milk #~# BUFFALO, NY—Tipping back their heads and laughing as they watched their victims struggle helplessly, Starbucks executives were dangling tied-up union organizers over a vat of steamed milk, sources confirmed Thursday. “We wanted to thank you for all your hard work organizing our baristas by making you a special treat—don’t worry, it’s on the house!” said CEO Kevin Johnson, leering at the bound-and-gagged organizers as he pulled a lever that released a cascade of cookie crumble pieces, caramel syrup, and a bubbling mocha sauce from the ceiling. “One extra-hot latte, coming right up! You wanted Starbucks? You’ll get Starbucks! No need to squirm, dear, it’s oat milk, just the way you like it. Now we have just one last secret ingredient to add, can you guess what it is?” At press time, Johnson had rolled out a giant blender on wheels, announcing he was actually more in the mood for a Frappuccino. 
World’s First Living Robots Can Now Reproduce, Say Scientists #~# Scientists who created xenobots, the world’s first living robots assembled from heart and skin stem cells belonging to the African clawed frog, say the life forms are now “the first-ever, self-replicating living robots.” What do you think?
Nation’s Mothers Demand To Know Where You Heard That Word #~# WASHINGTON—Glowering into the cameras and turning beet red as they scowled, the nation’s mothers held a press conference Thursday demanding to know where you heard that word.  “Get over here, mister—get over here now,” said 38-year-old Deandra O’Neill of Austin, TX who was just one of millions of mothers from small towns and big cities nationwide who converged on the U.S. Capitol in order to get to the bottom of where you learned to talk like that right this instant. “What did I just hear you say? Too scared to repeat it in front of me now, huh? Did that Brian say it? Did you learn that from one of your classmates? Maybe at Cameron’s place? Well, we don’t speak like that in this house. Oh no, we don’t.” At press time, widespread panic had broken out across the country after the nation’s mothers declared there would be no more video games.
As A Show Of Good Faith, We’re Sending In 10 Little-Known Facts About ‘The Witcher’ And All We Ask Is You Not Harm Any Of The Hostages #~# Hello! We are addressing ourselves to the individual inside the First Savings Bank on Fourth and Grand. You are speaking to the Onion Gamers Network. Please remain calm. We just want to talk to you. You’re a professional; we’re a professional gaming journalism site. We can certainly come to some sort of agreement here, okay?
Dr. Oz Announces Bid For Pennsylvania Senate Seat #~# Dr. Mehmet Oz, a cardiothoracic surgeon and television personality, announced he is running for the U.S. Senate in Pennsylvania as a Republican to succeed retiring Senator Pat Toomey, joining an already crowded GOP primary for the open seat. What do you think?
‘It Would Be So Easy,’ Think 79% Of People Holding Ladders For Loved Ones Putting Up Christmas Lights #~# PITTSBURGH—Unable to resist thinking about the rare opportunity that lay before them, 79% of Americans holding ladders while a loved one put up Christmas lights reportedly took a moment Wednesday to consider just how easy it would be. “All it would take is one small push, and boom, it’s over, just like that,” thought nearly 8 in 10 spouses, children, and siblings, their grips tightening as they watched a family member take one foot off the ladder to reach a distant hook upon which to hang a strand of lights. “People fall off ladders all the time, don’t they? No one would suspect a thing, probably not even [the loved one] in the few seconds it takes to hit the ground and draw those last, labored breaths.” At press time, sources confirmed every American holding a ladder for a loved one had decided against going through with it after realizing they would then be tasked with putting up the rest of the lights by themselves.
80 Famous #~# No bivalve does it better.
Dr. Oz Endorses Benefits Of U.S. Senate Despite Proven Deadly Side Effects #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Making the declaration the latest in a line of medically questionable advice, Dr. Mehmet Oz issued a full-throated endorsement of the U.S. Senate Wednesday despite its proven deadly side effects. “Once again, we are seeing Dr. Oz lend his credibility to a dubious system that many believe actually does far more harm than good,” said consumer watchdog Ed Grant, telling reporters that the celebrity heart surgeon was ignoring the U.S. Senate’s well-documented history of inducing horrific pain and even death in hundreds of thousands in an effort to offer Americans a “quick fix” solution to their problems. “While Oz is focusing on questionable claims that Congress is an august institution capable of improving lives, in reality, it’s been linked to everything from birth defects to asthma to lead poisoning to cancer to sudden death. This might be an opportunity for Oz to make a quick buck, but it really calls his judgment into question that he’d cheerfully validate something that has already destroyed the lives of so many.” Grant added that this move shouldn’t be that surprising after Oz previously endorsed Fox News, which is known to poison millions of Americans annually. 
Hertz Hopeful New Football Player Spokesperson Doesn’t Murder Two People This Time Around #~# ESTERO, FL—Calling the recent signing of Tom Brady “exciting as long as it goes better than last time,” Hertz CEO Paul Stone told reporters Wednesday that they hoped signing a football player as a spokesperson would not end with two people being murdered again. “We’re excited Tom is part of the Hertz team, but we got burned once already so we are obviously a little tentative,” said Stone, who reiterated that he had no expectations Brady would go on to murder his ex-wife and her suspected lover a decade from now. “We think Tom is a safe pick, he seems like a pretty happy guy with a nice family. We believe the chances of this going south and his commercials becoming a sad factoid in the discussion of his flight from the police and subsequent headlining trial are pretty slim. If it happens again, they’re probably going to start calling it the Hertz Curse or something, and that is the last thing we want.” Stone added that they were also excited about the upcoming slate of commercials featuring Brady going on a cross-country road trip with Ray Lewis.
NASA Delays Space Walk After It Starts Snowing In Outer Space #~# WASHINGTON—With no choice but to suspend the planned outing and await more favorable conditions, NASA announced Wednesday it had delayed a space walk after a heavy snow began to fall in outer space. “Unfortunately, a front has moved into our solar system, causing a severe blizzard that forced us to postpone this morning’s scheduled space walk,” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson, who observed that four to five feet of snow had accumulated across much of the galaxy and that it was “quite blustery out there,” making it too difficult for astronauts to replace a malfunctioning antenna on the International Space Station. “Once the weather clears up, we’ll send our crew on a space walk with shovels and a bag of rock salt, and ensure the astronauts scrape off the windshield of their return spacecraft. In the meantime, we’ve ordered them to cozy up and build a fire inside the ISS.” At press time, NASA officials confirmed the treacherous condition had caused a capsule full of space tourists to skid out of Earth’s orbit and crash into the sun.
Brian Kelly Admits He Never Actually Believed In God #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—Calling it a harmless fib to fit in and let him do his job without distraction, former Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly admitted to reporters Wednesday that he never actually believed in God. “All that God crap, I just said that to get the job—I mean we all fudge our resumes a little bit, right?” said Kelly, who claimed that all the prayers he participated in at the Catholic university where just an empty show to placate his bosses. “I mean, you want me to believe there is some sky man controlling everything we do? It’s all superstition, I couldn’t believe those people actually thought Jesus had anything to do with football. We’re all just basically bags of meat, everything is meaningless, and God is dead.” At press time, Kelly was promising LSU fans that he absolutely believed the program could overtake Alabama as the dominant force in the SEC.
What To Know About The Ghislaine Maxwell Trial #~# The trial for Ghislaine Maxwell began Monday in Manhattan. The Onion answers the most important questions about the trial of Ghislaine Maxwell.
Barbados Cuts Final Ties With British Monarchy #~# Barbados has removed Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II as its head of state, officially becoming a republic on the 55th anniversary of the Caribbean nation’s independence from the United Kingdom. What do you think?
Walmart Prevents Gun Violence At Walmart #~# Under mounting pressure from anti-gun activists, Walmart has announced that all locations will be restricting firearm purchases to customers who promise to use them at one of the retailer’s competitors.
WHO Declares Coronavirus A Global Health Emergency #~# With a death toll climbing to 180 in China and reported cases in dozens of other nations, World Health Organization officials declared the coronavirus a global health emergency in the hope of raising awareness about combating the rapidly-spreading epidemic. What do you think?
Report: Fighting Rising Tide Of Authoritarianism Sounds Like A Lot Of Work #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming the challenges associated with preserving liberal democracy, the nation’s top political scientists issued a report Friday that found fighting against the rising tide of authoritarianism sounds like a ton of work. “After extensive analysis, we can state with a high degree of certainty that meaningfully resisting the erosion of equality and personal freedoms would probably be super exhausting,” said lead researcher Jeremy Dwyer, warning that stemming the flow of autocratic rule would require a sustained campaign of political pressure over a long period of time that would likely make Americans tired just to think about. “Whether it’s attending protests, campaigning for progressive candidates, or even committing to ethical purchasing habits, our data show that engaging at this level would be a whole thing that could eat up a bunch of time. The majority of American citizens are very sleepy and want to get back to their beds as soon as possible. Plus, this all sounds kind of like a big pain in the ass.” Dwyer added that the report concluded it would be so much easier to simply march in unthinking lockstep to an all-powerful ruler. 
Frito-Lay Pledges Party-Size Bag Of Plain Potato Chips To Help Combat World Hunger #~# PLANO, TX—Citing an ongoing commitment to its community and the world at large, international snack food giant Frito-Lay held a major press conference Friday to announce plans to donate a party-size bag of regular, unflavored potato chips to the fight against global hunger. “As responsible corporate citizens, we believe it is our duty to take direct action and contribute one 15.25-ounce bag of Lay’s Classic potato chips to the world’s food-insecure population,” said company spokesperson Mark Walters, unveiling a 10-year plan to distribute the single bag of chips to those famine-stricken regions of the world where it is most needed. “With this donation, we are pledging approximately 225 potato chips that, when taken together, will provide a grand total of nearly 2,500 calories to malnourished and snack-deprived men, women, and children across the globe. What’s more, countries willing to appropriate matching government funds for this new program will be eligible to receive up to 2 tablespoons each from a container of Frito-Lay Bean Dip, while supplies last.” Walters went on to state that by 2035, the company hopes to expand its philanthropy into barbecue or even sour cream and onion flavors.
Poll Finds 75% Of Voters Want Impeachment Witnesses #~# A Quinnipiac University poll found three-quarters of registered voters think witnesses should be allowed in the Senate impeachment trial, a finding that suggests both Republicans, Democrats, and independents oppose Mitch McConnell’s avoidance of such a motion, although respondents differed in which individuals they would call to testify. What do you think? 
Coronavirus Reaches 6,000 Cases #~# In news that has resulted in Western nations recalling citizens and international businesses shuttering their China locations, the Wuhan coronavirus has reached over 6,000 cases, a level unseen since the SARS epidemic in 2002. What do you think?
A Standstill In The Trial Of Harvey Weinstein #~# The trial of Harvey Weinstein has been suspended indefinitely after the presiding judge booked a huge role in an upcoming Hollywood blockbuster. Hear how the judge was able to land his big break.
‘You’re A Piece Of Shit And I Hope Everyone Like You Dies,’ Says Biden To Democratic Voter In Stirring Call For Party Unity #~# OTTUMWA, IA—As part of his effort to reinvigorate the coalition that once put Barack Obama in the White House, presidential candidate Joe Biden issued a moving plea for party unity when he told a Democratic voter “You’re a piece of shit and I hope everyone like you dies,” reports confirmed Thursday. “Look here, pal, fuck you and fuck anybody who thinks like you,” the former vice president said to a town hall participant in what political experts have hailed as a rousing call for Democrats, independents, and even moderate Republicans to join together in harmony and overcome the divisiveness and rancor that have characterized the Trump era. “If that’s what you believe, you’re clearly an idiot, and I don’t need your vote. Seriously, you and every single person in this fucking town deserves to die. Now back the hell up before I tear your throat out with my goddamn teeth.” After the event, a screaming, red-faced Biden reportedly continued to share his inspiring vision by informing a group of unwitting Iowans that he could beat their asses with one hand tied behind his back.
Recently Unearthed Ancient Sumerian Cuneiform Tablet Depicts Earliest Known Observance Of Ladies’ Night #~# KUWAIT—Recounting the ancient story of a group of traditional women going out and partying to reward themselves in Sumer’s nightlife district after a long day of weaving, an ancient Sumerian cuneiform tablet depicting the earliest known observance of Ladies’ Night was discovered Thursday by a team of archaeologists from the University of Oxford. “This remarkable tablet uses the Sumerian-Akkadian script common around 2250 B.C.E. to portray a lively group of gals going out on the town to let loose, enjoy two-for-one Lagaban iced teas, and do some serious folk dancing,” said Meredith Lake, the researcher in charge of the dig site, explaining that the clay tablet went into great detail about which local venues hosted events where “grown and sexy” ladies got in for free, as well as the exact styles of reed sandals considered necessary for said outings. “They would wear their finest flaxen robes and feathered headdresses and instruct their husbands to stay home and watch the kids. It’s truly fascinating to see the cultural constants at work here since, before this discovery, we believed Ladies’ Night originated in the Mycenaean culture in the 15th century B.C.E.” The same dig site has also yielded several tablets depicting the earliest known observance of Taco Tuesdays.
Huh: There’s No Convention Or Anything In Town So This Guy Dressed Like Poliwhirl Must Just Dress Like This All The Time #~# Man, have we got a head-scratcher for you, gamers. A few reporters here at Onion Gamers Network recently caught wind of this man dressed as Poliwhirl standing at the corner of Elm and 4th Street, which made us think there must be some kind of Pokémon convention in town. Here’s the thing though: We checked everywhere, and there isn’t even a meet-up in the general vicinity. That means that, as far as we know, this guy must dress like the Stage 1 Water Pokémon all the time, or at least thinks this is an entirely normal thing to do.
U.S. Deficit Projected To Hit $1 Trillion In 2020 #~# The Congressional Budget Office projected the country’s deficit will eclipse $1 trillion in 2020, raising concerns of fiscal imbalances spurred by recent White House tax cuts that largely favored the wealthy. What do you think?
Elon Musk Rushes To Aid Of Overturned Tesla Pinned On Top Of Child #~# LOS ANGELES—Acting quickly to save his beloved creation, billionaire entrepreneur and engineer Elon Musk rushed to the aid of an overturned Tesla Model 3 Thursday that became immobilized on top of a 9-year-old child. “When I saw that poor helpless Tesla, with its segment-leading styling and advanced range, flipped over that immobilized little boy, my instincts just kicked in and I ran over to render what assistance I could,” said Musk, who claimed that the adrenaline rush he experienced upon seeing his baby threatened and helpless gave him the strength to lever the car back onto its wheels over the shattered body of the fourth-grader. “It breaks my heart to think just how much that car’s paint job has been scuffed by that child’s remains. Thank God I was there at the right time, or that Tesla could have lost significant value.” Musk has magnanimously promised to pay for any repairs that the Tesla incurred as a result of the impact with the now-dead child.
7.7 Magnitude Earthquake Strikes Jamaica, Cuba #~# The strongest earthquake on record in the Caribbean has struck Jamaica and Cuba, resulting in building evacuations and potential injuries, although reporting has yet to confirm the fallout’s magnitude. What do you think?
A Coveted Endorsement In Iowa #~# The Democratic candidates are in Iowa this week, and they’re all vying for one big endorsement from an especially dreamy high school quarterback named Chad.
New Podcast From ‘The Onion’ Renders Eyeballs Obsolete #~# CHICAGO—In what is being hailed as a media revolution that will forever change the way society is informed of current events, reports confirmed Wednesday’s debut of The Topical, a daily news podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, has rendered the human eyeball completely obsolete. According to historians, mankind has depended upon crude visual symbols to represent its language as far back as ancient Mesopotamia, but with the advent of The Topical, the processing of information via the optic nerve has reportedly become a quaint anachronism. Whether you now choose to have your eyeballs surgically detached, dash your eyeballs out upon a stone, or shove your eyeballs down into the sockets of your skull using the firmly applied pressure of both thumbs is up to you, sources said. Leading media experts agree our subservience to the written word has ended, and all future generations will passively absorb information from The Onion’s podcast each day. In fact, an emerging consensus suggests this could be the last sentence you ever have to read if you click below right now to listen to The Topical, thereby freeing yourself from a dying culture’s benighted era of literacy.
The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Democratic Candidates #~# Joe Biden
Kushner Promises Israel Plan Will Relocate All Palestinians To Generous Swath Of Mediterranean Sea #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that the proposal represented a “realistic two-state solution,” Jared Kushner held a press conference Wednesday to make assurances that the administration’s Israel plan would relocate all Palestinians to a generous swath of the Mediterranean Sea. “We have not forgotten about the Palestinian people, and this roadmap will allow them to live in peace within the briny depths of the Mediterranean,” said Kushner, noting that the miles of open water represented a significant increase in Palestanian territory. “This plan will also allow Palestine to place its capital directly in the Strait of Gibraltar, where it will be separated from Israeli territory by a sea wall. The Palestinians will be given every opportunity to swim and splash around as long as they don’t attempt to impede on Israeli sovereignty by trying to crawl out of the water or wash up on the beach.” Kushner added that as a further concession to the Palestinain people, the plan would include a four-year freeze before Israelis could annex the Mediterranean and drive the Palestinians into the Atlantic Ocean.
Olive Garden Food Scientists Rapidly Running Out Of Foods To Scampi #~# ORLANDO, FL—Expressing concern that previous work in the field had pushed their most popular cooking technique far beyond its limits, research scientists at Olive Garden announced Wednesday that their latest data indicated they are rapidly running out of foods to scampi. “We’ve done shrimp, chicken, pasta, spring vegetables, root vegetables—I hate to say it, but the foreseeable scampi future looks grim,” said culinary development director Dr. Anthony Lee, explaining how every foodstuff his R&D team had recently attempted to scampi had been either spurned by test subjects or, ominously, had rejected the scampi-ing process. “We’re still decades away from a stable eggplant scampi. There’s no funding for zoodles scampi. We thought we had a breakthrough with beef scampi, but the single sample we generated blew the lab completely apart. We’re looking at scampi vectors we would have sneered at three years ago. Can I scampi a salad? A soup? Breadsticks? We tried to scampi our house red wine last week. Disgusting.” Lee would neither confirm nor deny reports that a distraught Olive Garden scientist had attempted, in the throes of despair, to scampi himself.
Sanders Unveils Job-Training Program To Provide Meaningful Work To Low-Skilled Op-Ed Writers #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that as president he would ensure his policies didn’t leave any Americans behind, Senator Bernie Sanders reportedly unveiled plans Wednesday for a job-training program that would provide meaningful work to low-skilled op-ed writers. “I understand that if I win the presidency, many Americans are concerned about the effect that changing economic priorities will have on their jobs, which is why I’m committed to making sure that the nation’s unskilled columnists receive every opportunity to learn material skills that will enable them to find a rewarding position,” said Sanders, adding that his platform allocated hundreds of millions of dollars a year to ensure workers like opinion columnists who lacked qualifications for any skilled labor job would receive instruction in a career of their choice, such as nursing, childcare, or construction. “It’s true that not every industry makes sense for the world we need to build, whether it’s coal mining, private health insurance, or writing histrionic editorials with little factual basis in our nation’s newspapers. It pains me to see so many op-ed writers out there who have received so little training or education that they have no capacity to do viable work. But I believe that these op-ed writers and editorial board members want to be productive members of society, and my presidency will do everything it can to help them find work with dignity.” Sanders added that it was an unfortunate result of the U.S. economic system that so many Americans found themselves stuck in low-skilled op-ed writing jobs in the first place.
Biggest Video Game Letdowns Of All Time #~# Any gamer worth their mettle has learned how to cope with disappointment. For every overhyped shooter that blows us away, there are a thousand Brute Forces or Daikatanas that teach us to never again trust an E3 presentation. But even with our tempered expectations, there are still some releases that leave us wincing and longing for what could have been. Here, then, are the biggest video game letdowns of all time.
Lost Grandfather With Dementia Found Hundreds Of Miles Away From Home Wandering International Space Station #~# SADDLE RIVER, NEW JERSEY—In a continuation of his alarming tendency to wander off as a result of his advanced dementia, grandfather of nine Cy Gottlieb, 85, was found hundreds of miles from home Wednesday when authorities discovered him wandering around the International Space Station. “We are happy to report that after an exhaustive search, we have found my grandfather with the help of the ISS, who notified us that he had made his way on board,” said Gottlieb’s granddaughter Lydia Rabon, 36, explaining that while security camera footage showed Gottlieb leaving his nursing home, exactly how the confused senior citizen got from New Jersey to low Earth orbit was anyone’s guess. “We’re just relieved that the Russian astronauts were kind when they found him floating around the research module half-naked and asking for soup. Without their help, this could have ended up as badly as that time we found Grandpa at the summit of K2.” When found, Gottlieb had absentmindedly taken control of the space station and was asking anyone if they needed anything from the grocery store while piloting it toward the sun.
Aaron Rodgers Pledges To Dedicate Off-Season To Growing As Brand Ambassador #~# MALIBU, CA—Promising that he wouldn’t let outside distractions interfere like in the past, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers pledged Wednesday to dedicate his off-season to growing as a brand ambassador. “You know, we went far pretty this season, but we ultimately fell short of our sales goal and some of that falls on my shoulders,” said Rodgers, referring to Payton Manning as the model for a pitchman who got even better in the back half of his career. “Every member of this crew puts in so much work, so I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror if I didn’t give it my all out there. I’m working with an acting coach just to stay sharp, and I’ve already reached out to [Patrick] Mahomes to run some lines. I owe it to all the fans out there to hit my cues and deliver catchphrases at a high level.” Rodgers concluded his interview by promising to bring the State Farm crew to at least one more Super Bowl commercial.
Chris Matthews Warns Bernie Sanders Victory Runs Risk Of Making Him Look Stupid 2 Elections In A Row #~# NEW YORK—Cautioning voters against walking down such a dangerous path without fully understanding the potential consequences, MSNBC pundit Chris Matthews warned Hardball viewers Tuesday that Bernie Sanders winning the Democratic party’s nomination would run the risk of making him look stupid in two consecutive elections. “Before anyone casts a vote for Senator Sanders in the primary, they need to look deep inside and consider the ramifications of making me look like a completely out-of-touch idiot again,” said Matthews, insisting that a strong showing from Sanders in early-voting primaries could lead to the complete and utter destruction of the American political commentator’s credibility. “We can’t afford to go down the same road we did in 2016. The cost is simply too great to have another four years of me feeling like a clueless fucking moron. Is that a risk Bernie supporters are willing to take?” At press time, a teary-eyed Matthews brought Hardball to a close by asserting that a Sanders presidency could negatively affect him for decades.
White House Rolls Out Middle East Peace Plan #~# Amidst a visit by current Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and his electoral opponent Benny Gantz, the Trump administration rolled out its long-awaited Middle East peace plan despite outcry that the plan received little input from Palestinian leaders. What do you think?
Joni Ernst Insists She Hasn’t Seen Any Impeachment Evidence That Has Changed Her Self-Serving Political Calculus #~# WASHINGTON—Suggesting that she was likely to vote to acquit, Sen. Joni Ernst (R-IA) told reporters Tuesday that she still hadn’t seen any evidence in the impeachment process that had changed her self-serving political calculus. “I’ve kept an open mind from the beginning, but nothing I have seen thus far has altered the fundamental nature of my reelection prospects in my home state,” said Ernst, adding that while some of the president’s actions have been questionable, she didn’t believe they had risen to a level that would harm her standing amongst conservative Iowa voters. “Though they’ve had plenty of opportunities, Democrats have failed to make a persuasive case that Trump’s behavior would lead to my constituents abandoning me en masse, and unless I see some arguments of that nature soon, I think my mind is made up.” Ernst added that she took this responsibility seriously as she had given a sacred oath to consolidate her grip on power by whatever means necessary.
Key Players In Trump’s Impeachment Trial #~# The House of Representatives approved articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump on December 18, 2019, then sent those articles to the Senate for a formal trial, a process that has involved a whirlwind of figures from Congress, the legal world, and Trump’s orbit. The Onion provides a guide to the key players in Trump’s impeachment trial.
Bolton Book Confirms Trump Tied Aid To Biden Investigation #~# Providing a powerful piece of evidence in the case against President Trump, a new book by former National Security Advisor John Bolton contains the bombshell claim that the president personally tied foreign aid to Ukraine launching an investigation into former Vice President Biden. What do you think?
New Evidence Reveals Library Of Alexandria Kicked Out Dozens Of Creepy Old Romans For Looking At Pornographic Images On Abacus #~# OXFORD—Shedding new light on the history of one of antiquity’s most renowned archives, researchers at Oxford University announced Thursday the discovery of new evidence suggesting that the Library of Alexandria was forced to kick out dozens of creepy old Romans for viewing pornographic images on abacuses. “Oxford university archives contain several hitherto untranslated scrolls dating from the third century B.C., the library’s most prosperous period, which make several mentions of tawdry, unwashed Romans pleasuring themselves at the library’s abacus stations while parents tried to herd their children past,” said historian Allen Boisvert, noting that as the library declined due to the neglect and lack of funds that it suffered under the Roman Principate, there were likely fewer and fewer staff members who could tell these degenerates to leave. “This evidence is confirmed by the extant diary entries of the scholar Zenodotus of Ephesus that describe confronting a wizened man, ‘his toga anointed with night-soil and his beard bedewed with sour wine,’ who continued using the abacus to display erect phalluses and to spell out the word ubera, or ‘boobs’ in Latin, despite the protestations of the librarian and repeated threats of a lifetime ban.” Boisvert added that research further indicated that the burning of the Library of Alexandria in 272 A.D. displaced these elderly degenerates into the streets of Alexandria, where many wandered around the local coliseum making lewd gestures at women.
10 Easy Exercises You Can Do At The Office #~# Finding time in your schedule to work out can be difficult, which is why performing a few easy exercises at the office can be the perfect way for a busy person to stay in shape. For example, sneak in a low-impact training session during a weekly budget meeting by doing a few sets of lunges.
CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad #~# NEW YORK—Citing its productive relationship with the multibillionaire in the two months since he announced his candidacy, CBS officials confirmed Tuesday that the network had inked a deal to air a 30-episode advertisement for Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign. “We’ve had a great run with Mayor Bloomberg’s shorter ads, so we’re thrilled to welcome him into our lineup with a full series of hour-long episodic commercials,” said a spokesperson for the television network, indicating the commercials will run immediately after NCIS on Tuesdays, though independent reports have confirmed they will also re-air throughout the week as often as the former New York mayor wants them to. “Mike is a relentless, self-made presidential candidate we think will really resonate with viewers when they are given this opportunity to see the full arc of his run for the White House. We have his campaign merchandise for sale in CBS’s online store, and with any luck, we’ll soon be in talks about a second 30-episode ad. Frankly, we’re willing to keep this running for as many seasons as the mayor would like.” CBS officials said the deal included a proposed crossover episode of Young Sheldon in which Bloomberg would guest star, warning the Cooper family about the dangers of consuming large, sugary drinks.
Seattle Mariners Offhandedly Suggest Astros’, Red Sox’ Titles Be Awarded To Them Instead #~# SEATTLE—Repeatedly noting that they were just throwing the idea out there and not saying whether it was bad or good, the Seattle Mariners released a statement Tuesday offhandedly suggesting that the tainted World Series titles of the Astros and Red Sox could be awarded to them instead. “I know this is a tough, complicated situation where you can’t just give the title to the runner-up, which is why we think this might be a fun compromise,” said Mariners president Kevin Mather, who explained that while the Mariners were not even a playoff team those years, there was also no evidence that they cheated in any way. “We were right around .500—not great, not terrible—it would just be a nice, neutral gesture. There has never been a whiff of scandal around signals or PEDs with us. We are obviously clean, and I think maybe we deserve this. We even had our merch team mock up a banner and some ‘2017 World Series Champion’ shirts, and we think they look pretty good. I mean, why not, what is the downside?” Mather added that if the MLB was uncomfortable giving the title to a non-playoff team, they could retroactively award the 2001 Mariners the title instead.
Black-Metal Fan Conflicted About Supporting Artist Who’s Never Been Convicted Of Murder #~# ATHENS, GA—Saying he was torn over whether he could ethically support an artist who lacks a criminal record, local black-metal fan John Eaby told reporters Tuesday he was conflicted about listening to the band Hargenthoth, whose lead vocalist, Thorl Draugar, has never once been convicted of murder. “Seriously, how am I supposed to scream along with lyrics about presiding over a human sacrifice during a black mass when I know, in the back of my mind, this guy has never even stabbed someone to death?” said Eaby, adding that while he loved how outspoken Draugar was as both a white supremacist and a homophobe, sometimes it felt wrong to give his time and money to a musician who wasn’t actively trying to convince his own fans to commit suicide. “Look, I’ve been following this guy for years, and his music kicks ass. But the fact that he doesn’t have a single album cover on which he appears drenched in gallons of goat blood? It’s not looking good. Frankly, if he doesn’t get his act together soon and blow a fellow bandmember’s head off with a shotgun, or behead a mental patient in a music video, that might be the last straw.” At press time, Eaby said he was relieved to learn that Draugar had finally stopped beating around the bush and burned down an ancient Norwegian church.
Polling Shows Sanders Surpassing Biden In Iowa, New Hampshire #~# Challenging the former vice president’s front-runner status, four recent polls show Senator Bernie Sanders leading the presidential race in both New Hampshire and Iowa, states that are considered potential keys to framing the trajectory of the eventual Democratic nomination. What do you think?
Xi Jinping Vows To Combat Coronavirus By Making It Illegal To Mention Within A Week #~# BEIJING—In an effort to assuage concerns about how his government has handled the deadly disease outbreak, Chinese president Xi Jinping held a press conference Monday to announce plans to combat the coronavirus by making it illegal to mention within the next week. “We are directing massive resources towards eradicating the slightest hint of any person speaking about the virus, and I promise you that any conversation or literature pertaining to the virus will be completely eliminated during the next seven days,” said Xi, warning that if immediate action was not taken, it could be too late to stop the spread of information. “We have already seen far too many senseless deaths as a result of this outbreak, so I vow here and now that those official death toll numbers will remain unchanged.” Xi closed his remarks by urging anyone who believed they were suffering from the outbreak or knew someone who was to come forward so they could be executed.
Experts Unable To Determine Why Someone As Rich As Justin Bieber Even Needs To Believe In God Anymore #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Explaining that the evidence “simply does not add up,” experts at Harvard Divinity School told reporters Monday that they were unable to comprehend why someone as rich as Justin Bieber even needs to believe in God anymore. “According to our research, there’s no possible explanation as to what a divine deity could even offer that would appeal to a multimillionaire like Justin Bieber,” said Dr. Frederick Tanner, who noted that the pop star has continued to proclaim his faith in God over the years despite the fact that every album he’s ever released has easily shot straight to the top of the charts. “Look, we’re researchers. We make next to nothing. God could help us, so it makes sense that we believe in God. But this guy is 25 years old and lives in a huge mansion. He performs sold-out shows before thousands of screaming fans every night. Frankly, it’s foolish to believe in an interventionist God when you already have everything you could want.” At press time, Tanner had dropped to his knees and declared that Justin Bieber was God. 
Billie Eilish, Lizzo Win Big At 62nd Annual Grammys #~# Billie Eilish, Lizzo, Willie Nelson, and Cage the Elephant were among those honored for major awards at the 62nd annual Grammys, an event that was marred by behind-the-scenes scandal amidst claims of sexual harassment and voting rigging. What do you think?
Parents Impressed By How Big Baby Has Gotten After Just 16 Months Of CrossFit #~# CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Marveling at the clear results they’ve seen since his September 2018 birth, parents Stephen Larrimore and Allison Zeitz told reporters Monday they were impressed by how big their baby, Payton, had gotten after just 16 months of the CrossFit strength and conditioning program. “I remember when he was only 6 pounds, 9 ounces, and now he’s shot up to 50 pounds of hard, lean muscle—I can barely even recognize him,” said first-time mother Zeitz, contrasting the days when her newborn child “couldn’t even support the weight of his own head” with his current daily regimen of shuttle-running across his nursery while dragging a pair of tractor tires behind him. “It’s crazy. One day he’s crawling around on the floor, and the next he’s box-jumping onto the fridge. I remember when he was just a chubby, cuddly little guy, and now he’s absolutely shredded. Everyone tells you they get swole so fast, but I guess I had to see it for myself to believe it. Now, all we have to do is find a preschool with a good body-sculpting program.” At press time, a teary-eyed Zeitz was reportedly sending her husband a video of Payton saying the word “creatine” for the first time.
Excitement Builds Around New PlayStation After Leaked Images May Show Your Long-Lost Father Holding A PS5 #~# There’s been tons of fevered anticipation from Sony fanboys about the next generation of PlayStation, but that hype is about to hit a whole new level with a recent leak that appears to include photographs showing your long-lost father holding a PS5. 
Mike Pompeo: ‘There Is Overwhelming And Undeniable Evidence To Support Going To War With Whoever’ #~# WASHINGTON—Citing rapidly escalating tensions, increasing frequency of treaty violations, and deteriorating diplomatic relations across the board, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo stated Monday that the United States has overwhelming and undeniable evidence to support going to war with whoever. “Make no mistake: America will not sit idly by while someone or other engages in what we say are continued irrefutable acts of aggression,” said Pompeo, emphasizing that the United States reserves the right to exercise full military might in order to protect its political and economic interests wherever. “Although the nation in question may be an undetermined or undefined distance from America’s borders, it remains crucial to protect our sovereignty and come to the aid of our allies, if any, in someplace, somewhere on the globe. We even have good reason to suspect that pretty much anyone anywhere is currently in the process of developing a nuclear arsenal.” Pompeo also confirmed that the Pentagon had detailed contingency plans for possible preemptive strikes on everywhere.
CDC Urges Americans To Just Say No If Friend Offers Them Coronavirus #~# ATLANTA—In an effort to stop the spread of the potentially lethal pathogen, the Centers for Disease Control held a press conference Monday to urge Americans to just say “No” if a friend offers them the coronavirus. “While it may seem cool to be seen around the park or the mall with a runny nose and hacking cough, there are very real negative side effects to experimenting with this virus,” said Satish Pillai, a medical officer in the Division of Preparedness and Emerging Infections, asking the assembled reporters to remember that the most deadly disease vector of all is peer pressure. “I know what you’re thinking: ‘I’ll just get a couple of respiratory infections at a party. I can stop anytime I want.’ But it’s not that simple, and soon the virus has you in its seductive grip. So, if you see someone collapsing from a fever, just tell them, ‘No thanks, I don’t need an infectious agent to have fun.’” Pillai added that if you feel you absolutely must try the coronavirus, be sure to contract it from someone you know and trust as it may turn out to be something more lethal, such as Avian Flu or SARS.
Treble Clef Honored With Lifetime Achievement Award During 62nd Annual Grammy Ceremony #~# LOS ANGELES—Entering the stage of the Staples Center to raucous applause and a standing ovation, the Treble Clef was honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award during the 62nd annual Grammy Awards on Sunday night. “It is a great honor for me to be bestowing this award to one of the greatest living musical symbols of our era,” said presenter John Legend in a long, emotional speech, as a photo montage played in the background depicting the major moments in the Treble Clef’s career, which included collaborating with Louis Armstrong at the Cotton Club, The Beatles during their final rooftop concert, as well as Michael Jackson’s Thriller studio sessions. “This award is long overdue. From its contributions to Indian classical music, to Gregorian chant, to modern-day hip-hop, it’s difficult to overstate the seminal contributions the Treble Clef has made to our art form.” At press time, the Treble Clef began taking part in a special Grammy’s performance with Lil Nas X, Lana Del Rey, and Ed Sheeran.
Out-Of-Touch, Aging 24-Year-Old Keeps Trying To Fit In With Cool Kids At Grammys #~# LOS ANGELES—Recalling how the weird, creepy 24-year-old just kept milling around and introducing himself as the “Sunflower guy,” several young artists told reporters Sunday that an out-of-touch, aging Post Malone kept desperately trying to fit in with the cool kids at the 62nd annual Grammy Awards. “It’s just kind of pathetic; the guy kept talking about how he loves Billie Eilish, but it’s like, okay, she dropped ‘Ocean Eyes’ four years ago,” said 21-year-old Australian singer-songwriter Mallrat, adding that while Malone seemed harmless, his constant attempts to drop the fact that he’d opened for Justin Bieber in 2015 weren’t making him seem any younger. “It’s sad, but honestly, I couldn’t stop laughing when old-ass Kanye came over, grabbed him by the shoulders, and told us that they collaborated on ‘Fade’ together. It’s like, dude, you’re almost in your mid-twenties, and everybody can tell that you don’t know who Lil Nas X is. Maybe you should go hang out with Grandma Swift instead.” At press time, Malone could reportedly be heard sobbing in the bathroom after one of the cool kids reportedly mistook him for Eminem.
Grammys Accused Of Bias Toward Music That Accurately Represents What Nation At Large Listening To #~# AUSTIN, TX—Faced with allegations that it has repeatedly given preferential treatment to widely enjoyed artists and music, the 62nd annual Grammy Awards was formally accused Sunday of showing an unfair bias toward nominees that accurately represent what the nation at large is listening to. “I swear, the Recording Academy is just shamelessly pandering to a general consensus held by a majority of Americans about what constitutes good music,” said local awards-show viewer Ross Faust, who complained that by recognizing Post Malone and Lizzo while it neglected other, lesser-known names, the Grammys was showcasing its prejudice against artists most people haven’t listened to and almost no one cares about. “I don’t get it. I’ve barely heard any of these songs outside of radio, bars, stores, clubs, commercials, and blockbuster movies. The fact that millions of people have listened to them constantly and developed emotional connections to them just doesn’t seem like a criterion that should be used to decide what constitutes the best music of the era.” At press time, reports confirmed the Grammys had caved to pressure and added a new category called This Really Obscure Band You Probably Don’t Know About of the Year. 
China Locks Down 6 Cities To Combat Coronavirus #~# In an effort to combat the spread of a virus that has already been detected in more than 500 citizens, the Chinese government has locked down transportation in or out of six coronavirus-infected cities, including Wuhan, Hubei’s capital of 11 million people where the virus first emerged. What do you think?
Liberals Say Sanders’s Acceptance Of Rogan Endorsement Sends Dangerous Message He Trying To Win Election #~# WASHINGTON—Slamming the campaign for promoting the popular podcaster’s backing, liberals said Friday that Bernie Sanders’s acceptance of Joe Rogan’s endorsement sends a dangerous message that the candidate is trying to win the 2020 presidential election. “This is just the Sanders campaign opening the gates to a plurality of people who would vote for him and help him win the presidency,” said political commentator Scott Griffin, who called the campaign’s promotion of Rogan’s endorsement a true “mask off” moment, exposing Sanders’s goal of winning the Democratic primary and eventually the general election. “It’s very unnerving to see a Democratic candidate like Bernie Sanders try to court voters from varying constituencies and demographics. It’s like his whole strategy is beating Trump. We saw hints of this in 2016, but I’m truly sickened to see it rearing its ugly head again. I’m all for creating a Democratic majority, but not if we have to accept more people than the other side has.” Griffin added that it was even more disturbing that Sanders would attempt this during an election year.
Melting Giraffe Congressman Warns Impeachment Distracting From Surreal Issues #~# WASHINGTON—Arguing that a protracted congressional trial wasn’t in the best interests of everyday floating nude Americans, melting giraffe congressman Fauna Anuaf reportedly warned Friday that focusing on the impeachment of President Donald Trump was distracting from the surreal issues. “When there are so many people in this country imprisoned inside two-dimensional towers or struggling with their legs turning into water, we cannot let ourselves get caught up in a biased proceeding that does nothing to address the surreal problems many Americans face,” said the melting giraffe congressman (Ŋ-⌛), adding that in his district, residents were worried about biomorphic trains materializing through their walls, orca whales trapped in bottles on an endless desert landscape, or being flayed on a fainting couch while three heads in bowler hats screamed that their body is a chorus of bodies diffusing under the heat of time itself, not some court proceeding. “The moment my constituents poured candle wax into the endless thermometer to elect me to Congress, I took their wailing approval as a solemn reminder to keep focused on the surreal issues. At every town hall back in my inverted ether, my constituents come to slice my eyeball, which I understand as a sign that impeachment doesn’t enjoy broad support. And we need to stop this partisan bickering—I didn’t swear an oath to be a Democrat or Republican; I swore an oath to a butterfly holding another butterfly as a murder weapon that I would incorporate all dreams into my own waking dream. So can we all just stop for a moment to listen to what the clock faces inside the eye sockets are murmuring and what the red says? Those are the surreal voices we should be tasting to.” At press time, the melting giraffe congressman had called on Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell to consume him.
The Onion’s 2020 Grammy Predictions #~# The 62nd annual Grammy Awards will take place this Sunday, Jan. 26, honoring the best artists, albums, and songs from the past year. Here are The Onion’s predictions for the 2020 Grammy Awards.
Weinstein Defense Attorney Implores Jury To Remember How Fun ‘Pulp Fiction’ Is #~# NEW YORK—In a passionate rebuttal to the many graphic accounts of sexual assault and rape leveled at her client, attorney Donna Rotunno delivered a forceful argument Friday imploring the trial’s jurors to keep in mind how fun disgraced producer Harvey Weinstein’s 1994’s Pulp Fiction was. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’d like to ask you not to forget that without my client’s help, Pulp Fiction would have never been made—you remember what a good time Pulp Fiction was, right?” said Rotunno, who went on to emphasize to jurors that the Oscar-winning crime caper’s snappy dialogue and whip-smart pop culture references represented the best that Hollywood had to offer, before urging them to honestly recall what a blast they had watching indelible performances like Uma Thurman and John Travolta’s turn in the Jack Rabbit Slim’s restaurant or Bruce Willis’s work in that “whole gimp basement shootout.” “You’re going to hear a lot of wild claims about my client’s alleged behavior, but none of that should distract you from the issue hand: Samuel L. Jackson is absolutely unforgettable in his climactic redemption scene. You know that, I know that, and anyone denying that is just fooling themselves.” After concluding her statement, Rotunno went on to raise an objection to the lead prosecutor’s assertion that the Weinstein-produced Jackie Brown was actually pretty standard crime fare and really dragged in the second act due to its glut of forgettable boilerplate characters.
Doomsday Clock Set To 100 Seconds To Midnight #~# Citing the growing threat of climate change and looming threat of nuclear war, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists’ Science and Security Board set the doomsday clock to 100 seconds to midnight, the closest the clock has been to humanity’s metaphorical destruction since its creation in 1947. What do you think?
Trump Makes Powerful Pro-Life Case By Speaking About The Joys Of Neglecting A Child #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking to thousands of March For Life protesters assembled on the National Mall, President Donald Trump took to the stage Friday to make a powerful pro-life case about the joys of neglecting a child. “Of course, I’m a father, and I had my thoughts about terminating them all, but I’m standing before you today to tell you that I’m glad I didn’t because I would never have gotten to experience the simple but incredible pleasures of pawning them off on the help for the first decade or so of their lives,” said Trump, defending the anti-abortion movement with a stirring speech about how profoundly being an absent and indifferent father had affected his life. “I wish I could describe to you how good it feels to avoid every soccer game and piano recital, and how incredible it’s been watching them grow from a child I couldn’t care less about to an adult I barely know. Whether it’s Ivanka, Don Jr., or one of the other two, they’ve each been a blessing that I never would have known if they had been aborted.” Trump went on to bring several audience members to tears by describing in detail the moment he first realized he’d be able to bully and emotionally terrorize his children forever. 
Eli Manning Retires From NFL To Focus On Being Statistically Average Father #~# SUMMIT, NJ—Saying his kids deserved to have a committed, half-decent parent who was around from time to time, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning announced his retirement from the National Football League Friday in an effort to focus on being a statistically average father. “I’ve had a good run and instead of sticking around as a backup, I figured I’d be better served as a replacement-level father,” said Manning, explaining that he would use his new free time to glance at his daughters’ homework assignments and offer some light encouragement. “My kids know their mother is the cornerstone of this family, but I can still contribute. I might not be the most accurate when it comes to picking them up on time from school. And maybe I won’t blow them away with great birthday parties or vacations. But they know I’ll show up and do my job.” At press time, Manning was scrambling after failing to scan the room and letting his daughter’s class wander off during a field trip to the Museum Of Natural History.
Trump Lifts Obama-Era Protections Trapping Gangthor The Malevolent In Tomb Deep Within Murky Depths Of Pacific Ocean #~# WASHINGTON—Denouncing his predecessor’s water regulations as overly restrictive, President Donald Trump announced Thursday he was lifting protections enacted by the Obama administration to permanently entomb Gangthor the Malevolent in a murky trench deep below the Pacific Ocean. “These horrible rules created by Barack Obama are one of the worst examples of government overreach in our nation’s history, and they are totally unfair to the deadly leviathan known as Gangthor,” said Trump, who was later overheard muttering ancient incantations reportedly intended to loosen the cursèd chains that shackle the nefarious shadow-behemoth to the ocean floor. “I will personally swim to the bottom of the Pacific and use a golden key inscribed with mysterious runes to unlock Gangthor’s lair, where he has slumbered since the destructive Clean Water Rule of 2015 was issued. This shape-shifting, multi-tentacled monster will then once more be unleashed upon the waters of the United States, restoring the property rights of American farmers, fossil fuel companies, and real estate developers.” The president went on to criticize “prophets of doom” who have predicted Gangthor the Malevolent will rise in a column of smoke and fire upon his release, blocking out the sun and blighting the earth with a thousand years of darkness.
Judge Denies Dismissal Of Lewdness Charges For Woman Found Topless In Own Home #~# Judge Kara Pettit rejected the dismissal of charges against Utah resident Tilli Buchanan, a woman charged with lewdness after her stepchildren found her topless beside her husband while installing insulation in their garage. What do you think?
Nuclear Scientists Fucking Around In Friend’s Backyard Run Away After Stuffing Fission Bomb Into Coke Can #~# LOS ALAMOS, NM—Giggling as they made sure the atomic explosive’s tritium-deuterium ignition module had been properly engaged, nuclear scientists employed at Los Alamos National Laboratory were seen sprinting away from ground zero after stuffing a fission bomb into a can of Coca-Cola in a friend’s backyard Friday. “Oh shit, dude, it’s going supercritical—Run! Run!” said fissile materials researcher Mark Chalmers, Ph. D., ducking down behind a picnic table as his fellow pranksters recorded the 17-megaton detonation on their smartphones to upload to YouTube later. “Oh man, this is going to be so fucking sweet. We should put one of the Davy Crocketts in a cantaloupe next; [Department Head Dr.] Kevin [Agajanian]’s parents aren’t coming home until 4:30, so we’ve totally got time.” The researchers were later seen trying to blow away the resulting 12,000-foot tall enormous mushroom cloud after hearing a car pull into the driveway.
‘Kingdom Hearts III’ DLC Developers Panicking After Realizing ‘Shrek’ Not Owned By Disney #~# After spending countless hours integrating elements from the popular 2001 animated fantasy film into role-playing game Kingdom Hearts III’s upcoming DLC, Japanese developer Square Enix reportedly spent Thursday thrown into a state of panic after realizing Shrek is not owned by Disney but rather by DreamWorks Animation, the studio also responsible for How To Train Your Dragon, Trolls, and Kung Fu Panda.
U.S. Joins One Trillion Tree Pledge #~# President Trump announced plans for the U.S. to join the One Trillion Tree initiative launched at the World Economic Forum as a means to combat climate change, a move that environmentalist such as Greta Thunberg said were “good” but were not an effective method of addressing the warming planet compared to ending fossil fuel use and funding solar and wind production. What do you think?
New Comcast Bundle Deal Includes 24/7 Live-In Technical Support #~# CHICAGO—In response to ongoing complaints of unexpected outages and subpar customer service response times, cable provider Comcast debuted a new bundle deal Thursday that includes 24/7 live-in technical support. “After analyzing customer feedback, we’ve realized that expecting our customers to set aside a six-hour block to be home every week is unrealistic, so we’re sending some of our best people to stay on their couches,” said Comcast head of market strategy Travis Porter, noting that higher-tier packages also include an optional air mattress or cot. “Whenever you need assistance with your cable, phone, or internet, your live-in technician will walk into your living room to help answer any questions. We should note that his or her English may not be great, so we do ask our customers to be patient. Additionally, we recommend customers not to stack a bunch of stuff on top of the technician in order to prevent overheating.” Comcast confirmed that, in addition to the monthly rate, customers would also be responsible for paying a monthly activation fee to cover any nutritional needs.
Last Remaining Chinese Paddlefish Cackling In Rafters Of World Wildlife Fund Press Conference Declaring It Extinct #~# GLAND, SWITZERLAND—Sneering with delight from a darkened catwalk far above the audience, the final remaining Chinese Paddlefish was reportedly cackling Thursday in the rafters of a World Wildlife Fund press conference declaring it extinct. “Look at those fools down there with their phony tears and empty words, little realizing that it was all a canard, that I’m here in the shadows, soaking it in,” said the last extant member of the Psephurus genus, smirking down at the speakers below mourning the eradication of its species. “So, this is what it’s like to witness one’s own death, eh? And after this, I am free to do whatever I want, free for my grand machinations to begin.” At press time, the large primarily freshwater fish had gotten tangled in a rope and fallen onto the stage below, eliciting gasps of shock from the crowd. 
Kellyanne Conway Suggests MLK Would Have Opposed Trump Impeachment #~# Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway told reporters that Martin Luther King Jr. would not have supported current impeachment efforts if he were alive today, saying Dr. King’s promotion of harmony between peoples would have led him to oppose “tear[ing] the country apart through an impeachment process and a lack of substance that really is very shameful at this point.” What do you think?
Justice Roberts Sternly Admonishes Impeachment Participants To Remember They’re At Complete Farce Of A Trial #~# WASHINGTON—After he gaveled the Senate to order Wednesday afternoon, Chief Justice John Roberts sternly admonished both President Trump’s counsel and House impeachment managers to remember they were participating in a complete farce of a trial. “As you address members of this deliberative body, please bear in mind that nothing you say or do will have any effect on the completely predetermined outcome of these proceedings,” said Roberts, exhorting the two sides to go ahead and establish facts, promulgate lies, cite the Constitution, or engage in purely cynical bad-faith arguments, because none of it really mattered anyway. “I wish to remind you this trial is a hollow exercise of decorum with no possibility of achieving productive results of any kind. We’re just going through the motions here, we all know how it is going to end, so let’s at least try to keep it brief.” At press time, the chief justice had commended both sides for heeding his admonition and working to keep the monumental miscarriage of justice running smoothly.
Financial Experts Recommend Just Waiting Until Chaos Is Law Of The Land #~# NEW YORK—Cautioning against making any rash investment decisions before the entire fabric of society falls apart and anarchy reigns supreme, financial experts recommended Wednesday to hold off on buying or selling and wait until chaos is the law of the land. “While you may be tempted to dive into the stock market now, the real test will be in the future when civilization as we know it collapses and the only currency will be strength, dominance, and a thirst for blood,” said a spokeswoman from Northwestern Mutual, Patricia Larson, adding that when man returns to his primal nature and we finally meet the end of days, a diversified portfolio of knives, guns, and baseball bats covered in metal spikes will be far more useful than any financial investment. “Sure, right now, you might want to go all in while the Dow is up, but what happens when the warlords ride in on their horses and behead your precious king? That’s right. All your money will be tied up in the market, so you won’t be able to pay your tithe in bones and jewels.” Larson also recommended that those with children should plan on putting aside some money every month just so that when the hunger pains come, you don’t end up selling them into slavery for a single loaf of bread.
Hillary Clinton Attacks Bernie Sanders In New Interview #~# Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton attacked Bernie Sanders in a recent interview with The Hollywood Reporter discussing a forthcoming Hulu documentary about her life, calling the senator a “career politician” and saying “nobody likes him.” What do you think?
PornHub Announces Contest To Allow One User Under 18 To View Content #~# MONTREAL—Shocking the internet with their offer to allow one fortunate adolescent the once-in-a-lifetime chance to look at adult material online, pornographic website PornHub announced a contest Wednesday which would allow one winning under-18 entrant to view its content. “We are proud to offer one lucky minor the incredibly rare opportunity to view both still photography of naked people and videos of people having sex with each other—sights that no one under 18 has ever before encountered on the internet—for a 24-hour period,” said Vice President of Operations Corey Price, explaining that anyone up to age 17 could enter to win the grand prize, a PornHub password that would allow the underage winner to experience the sight of total nudity. “The best part is that you don’t need permission from a parent or legal guardian. As long as you’re a teen, tween, or younger and love porn, you’re eligible to participate.” The winner will reportedly be expected to sign a legally binding non-disclosure agreement ensuring they will not describe anything they see to anyone else who is under the age of 18.
God Stumbles On Old, Beat-Up Planet That He Carved ‘Mötley Crüe’ All Over #~# THE HEAVENS—Reminiscing over how much time had passed since His days as a younger deity, God, Our Heavenly Father, expressed His nostalgia and delight Wednesday after stumbling on the old, beat-up planet He carved ‘Mötley Crüe’ all over. “Holy shit, I haven’t seen this in decades!” exclaimed the Lord, noting that He can still remember the hours spent scrawling every lyric from “Shout At The Devil” into the planet’s northern ice cap while daydreaming of one day fronting his own heavy metal band. “Oh, man, this is really bringing Me back. I used to stash all My Zippos and rolling papers under those mountains back there and just rock out. Good times. I suppose it is a little embarrassing to see how into Vince Neil I was, but hey, I was just a kid back then. I didn’t know any better. In my defense, I got super into Slayer and Megadeth just after this.” At press time, His Holiness was using a 4-track to finally record the demo album He had always planned on releasing.
Senate Republicans Force Through Resolution Establishing Wingstop As Official Sponsor Of Impeachment Trial #~# WASHINGTON—Over the objections of Democrats who decried the measure as not receiving sufficient debate on the congressional floor, Senate Republicans forced through a resolution Wednesday establishing Wingstop as the official sponsor of President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial. “Resolved that effective immediately, all questions, witness statements, and other utterances must include a recommendation to eat at Wingstop, and the Wingstop logo must be clearly visible on all name placards, subpoenaed documents, and other written material,” read Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) from the resolution on the Senate floor, adding that Wingstop’s $25 million deal to sponsor the impeachment trial was the best offer Congress received and ignoring pleas from Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) to wait for Panera Bread to finalize its proposal. “This resolution also stipulates that each senator must be photographed with Wingstop’s lemon pepper wings on each day of the trial as part of our promotion, all social media posts about the impeachment must be accompanied with the #RightWingstop hashtag, and that the only food permitted in the chamber will be Wingstop wing combos with fries or veggie sticks and a 20-ounce soft drink. This is in order to ensure the impeachment trial remains a place where flavor gets its wings. Democracy works best when we’re full of chicken.” The resolution did make an exception, however, for Chief Justice John Roberts, who informed the Senate that the Wingstop contract could not apply to him, as he has an exclusive sponsorship with Buffalo Wild Wings.
‘Well, I Could Do That’ Says Art Museum Attendee Viewing Security Guard On Lunch Break #~# NEW YORK—Shaking his head in disbelief at what passes for art these days, museum visitor Francis Bach was reportedly heard muttering “Well, I could do that” to himself while viewing a Metropolitan Museum of Art security guard on his lunch break. “This doesn’t really seem all that impressive,” said the 46-year-old, noting the mayonnaise clearly visible all over the edges of the bread on the guard’s “haphazard, makeshift” sandwich, which was accompanied by a bruised banana and a diet Coke and clearly thrown together at the last minute. “Maybe I just don’t get it? But to be honest, I don’t think there’s anything to get. Ham and cheese on wheat bread seems like the most obvious thing in the world. My second-grader could come up with something better than that. I suppose it might be a comment on sandwiches or the food industry, but even so, it’s not like that took a lot of skill or vision to pull off.” Bach later changed his mind and expressed sheer wonder and amazement after getting really close to the seated guard.
The Boeing 747 Turns 50 #~# In the 50 years since its first passenger flight, the Boeing 747 became the most dominant and recognizable craft for commercial air travel. The Onion looks back on the most significant moments in the Boeing 747’s history on its 50-year anniversary.
Contrarian ‘New York Times’ Travel Section Breaks With Paper To Endorse Deval Patrick For Democratic Nomination #~# NEW YORK—In a dramatic challenge of the editorial board, The New York Times travel section broke with the paper Tuesday to endorse former Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick for the Democratic nomination. “Given his impressive track record as a card-carrying Hyatt Loyalty Program member and the only candidate with TSA PreCheck, we are left no choice but to split with the main body of this organization and endorse Deval Patrick,” said travel editor Amy Virshup, explaining that the section’s values have been diverging from the rest of the newspaper for years and that The Time’s co-endorsement of Klobuchar and Warren did not reflect the values of American jet-setters nearly as well as Patrick. “Patrick thoroughly impressed us with his comprehensive plan for the best way to spend 36 hours in Marrakech, and proved he’s ready to lead with his extensive knowledge of everything from using concierge services to where to find the best bar in the Seattle area. Whether you prefer a family vacation or a romantic getaway, for the conscientious traveler, there is no better candidate than Deval Patrick.” At press time, an emergent Deval Patrick had picked up endorsements from every major American newspaper’s travel section.
Greta Thunberg Speaks On Climate At Davos 2020 #~# Teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg addressed leaders on the climate crisis on the opening day of the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, bringing attention to the issue at a conference that will be dominated with reconciling business with carbon emissions. What do you think?
Impatient Man Forced To Wait To Have Sex Until Wife Finished Giving Birth #~# SANTA FE, NM—Growing more impatient with each passing minute of his wife’s labor, expectant father Todd Greenwood was forced to wait to have sex with Judith Greenwood, his spouse and incipient mother of his child, Tuesday until she had finished giving birth. “I think I’ve been pretty accommodating through this whole process, but I have to say it’s a hardship, this whole temporary-involuntary-celibacy-because-my-wife’s-birth-canal-is-occupied-by-an-infant thing,” said Greenwood, who admitted that it almost felt like his wife was teasing him by already having her pants off and her legs spread open on the hospital bed. “Look, I totally understand that she may not feel the most attractive right now because she’s struggling to push out the baby, but I have needs, too. I’ve already patiently waited for three hours. At least she could try to be there for me. After all, I’m still willing to have sex with her even though she gained all that pregnancy weight.” At press time, Greenwood was masturbating in a hospital supply closet for the fourth time of his wife’s labor.
First-Time Davos Attendee Can’t Believe How Many Seminars There Are About Running Secret Child-Molestation Ring #~# DAVOS, SWITZERLAND—Expressing surprise that tech luminaries like Sheryl Sandberg and Sundar Pichai weren’t focusing their talks more on internet privacy, first-time Davos attendee Emmanuel Issacson told reporters Monday he couldn’t believe how many seminars at the World Economic Forum’s annual conference were about operating clandestine child-molestation rings. “I would have loved to attend some roundtables on globalization or the future of trade, but it’s like 90% panels on running underage prostitutes,” said Issacson, adding that the first workshop he attended was led by a former FBI official who detailed ways in which illicit underground organizations can sell children into sexual slavery without alerting the authorities. “My entire day is filled with seminars on how to set up a shell corporation to launder money from the sex trade or how to reduce your carbon footprint when chartering a jet full of 12-year-old girls. I was hoping to learn about sustainable development strategies, but nope—just to pad out my schedule for the week, I had to sign up for a symposium on countries with loopholes in their laws allowing you to drink the blood of children during satanic rituals.” At press time, Issacson was reportedly sprinting back and forth between panels on “Pedophilia In The Global Economy” and “Human Trafficking In The #MeToo Era.”
Kellyanne Conway Suggests Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Traveled To Ukraine For Dirt On Biden #~# WASHINGTON—Praising the civil rights leader for his determination and commitment to justice, Kellyanne Conway, senior counselor to the president, suggested to reporters Monday that Martin Luther King Jr. would have traveled to Ukraine for dirt on Joe Biden. “Dr. Martin Luther King, who was known for his nonviolent tactics, including protests and community organizing, would certainly have traveled abroad to pressure foreign nations to expose a political enemy’s secrets,” said Conway, who explained that if King were alive today, he would without a doubt hop on a flight to Kiev to meet with Ukrainian government officials to acquire potentially damaging information about Biden’s younger son, Hunter. “While much of the United States remains divided, Dr. King had a brave and bold vision hinged on withholding aid from Ukraine for personal political purposes. He understood that civil disobedience is essential in fighting a corrupt system, so he wasn’t afraid to spend the night in jail or do a little quid pro quo. In fact, some of his most famous tweets were written from jail.” Conway added that it was a shame such a great civil rights leader had been impeached so young.
‘Times’ Gives Klobuchar, Warren 2020 Endorsement #~# In a break from their tradition of choosing one candidate, the New York Times endorsed Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren for the 2020 Democratic primary, saying the two senators represented a moderate and progressive vision for the party that voters would have to choose from to pit against President Trump. What do you think?
Area Dad Sure Knows A Lot About Local Weather Woman #~# ROCKFORD, IL—Casually rattling off details about her personal life and professional history, household sources confirmed Tuesday that area dad Shawn Garcia seems to know quite a bit about local television meteorologist Susanne Lepucki. “He keeps going on about how she wore that same red blouse last week, and I swear one time I heard him use her middle name,” said Garcia’s 16-year-old son, Malcolm, clarifying that his father usually changes the channel after Lepucki finishes her weather report on Rockford CBS affiliate WIFR. “He doesn’t really know any of the other anchors, but he definitely knows Susanne. He’s followed her from the 5 o’clock spot to the 6 o’clock. Apparently, she almost changed networks over a contract dispute last year, but it’s been resolved now.” At press time, the elder Garcia asked his son if he had considered applying to Northern Illinois University, noting that Susanne Lepucki earned her master of science degree over there and they evidently have some pretty good programs.
Report: Clicking This Link Will Add You To Several FBI Watchlists #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that your name is now permanently on multiple databases run by the federal law enforcement branch, a new report issued Tuesday confirmed that, well, you’ve done it: By having clicked on this link, you have been added to several FBI watchlists. Despite the fact that you could have easily scrolled past and abstained from navigating to this article, several reports indicated that, uh oh, you are now being tracked by federal agents as a potential terrorist and are prohibited from crossing state lines or leaving the country, all because you couldn’t help yourself. High-ranking officials in the U.S. intelligence community told reporters that regardless of whether you erase your browser history, delete your cookies, or even destroy the device you’re currently using, it’s too late. In fact, several reports indicated that given how much you’ve just fucked up, your best bet now is to bleach your hair, shave off your fingerprints, and fake your own death, as there are several federal agents on their way to take you into custody as you waste your last few moments of freedom reading this. At press time, anonymous FBI sources recommended that you say goodbye to your loved ones and get a move on, seeing as you only have 15 minutes left and the clock is ticking.
Canadian Man Wishes There Was Some Way To Pay His Doctor For All The Hard Work He Did #~# TORONTO—Explaining that he hated to think of all the physician’s efforts going unrewarded, Canadian citizen Ryan Munley stated Tuesday that he wished there was some way he could pay his medical doctor for all his hard work. “Dr. Leva really went above and beyond for me, and I wish there were some method of exchange, preferably one that would put me in debt far beyond my usual retirement age, I could engage in to display my appreciation,” said Munley, who confessed to feeling as if he were stealing from his internist outright, especially since the clinician required multiple rounds of appointments and testing in order to achieve a diagnosis and devise a treatment plan. “My doctor, like so many, is a dedicated professional who works extremely hard, yet I am unable to give him a single dollar, let alone nearly bankrupt my family in order to pay for his services. It hardly seems civilized.” Several personal checks that Munley tried to send his to doctor’s practice have reportedly been returned along with legal notices reprimanding him for attempted payment.
Real-Life ‘Katamari’! This Drunk Driver Is Still Dragging The Cyclist He Hit #~# Calling all Katamari Damacy fans—you’re going to love this! If you were into this Namco classic, you’ll definitely be excited to hear Keita Takahashi’s off-the-wall classic pretty much came to life moments ago when a drunk driver ran over a bike messenger who got tangled in the bumper and is still being dragged by the car as we speak! 
Top 6 Happiest Countries In The World #~# Education: Top Finnish-language program in worldSource Of Tranquility: Near total ethnic homogeneityNational Anthem: Repeatedly chanting “Finland” in increasing volume until things sort of die outMost Popular Dish: Pickled iceLife Expectancy: 80.63 years, but in FinlandLast Violent Crime: Cudgel War of 1596Prison System: Series of high-security saunas
‘They Can’t Impeach Someone They Can’t See,’ Say Trump Boys Cramming Dad Into Homemade Bunker Under Oval Office Desk #~# WASHINGTON—Hastily concealing the “super top secret” shelter’s entrance with a couch cushion, the Trump boys reportedly declared “They can’t impeach someone they can’t see” Friday while cramming their dad into a homemade bunker under the Oval Office desk. “The House peach managers [sic] are never, ever gonna be able to find dad way deep in here!” said Donald Trump Jr., who stapled a note with the message “definitely no president inside” to blankets as an extra security precaution while Eric Trump punched air holes through the pillows with a pair of scissors. “Stay right there, dad, and don’t move till 2050. We read through the whole constant tuition [sic] and it says those guys can’t impeach you if they can’t find you. Here are two pieces of bread for dinners, and a straw you can use as a snorkel. Close your eyes real tight and you’ll be totally invisible. Okay, see you later. We’re gonna glue the bunker door shut.” At press time, the Trump boys were panicking after realizing they’d lost their father.
TV Character Knows All This Hardship She’s Experiencing Now Will One Day Be Nothing More Than A ‘Previously On’ Clip #~# HARTFORD, CT—Stressing how important it was to keep her worries in perspective, television character Greta Worthington told reporters Monday that amidst all her present hardships, she still knew everything she was going through would one day be nothing more than a small part of a “previously on” clip. “Sure, right now the biggest thing in the world seems like it’s how I’ve spent the past week getting pregnant, losing my best friend to a mysterious illness, filing for divorce, and then accidentally killing my teenage daughter, but soon enough this will just be a brief clip that provides some much-needed dramatic context before a new episode begins,” said Worthington, taking a deep breath in her living room and reminding herself that despite how overwhelmed she currently felt by the sight of splattered blood and her child’s dead body on the floor, it would probably barely even register as a blip in a few weeks when it was used as merely one of several rapid-cut scenes compiled to help viewers understand the show’s larger narrative tapestry. “This is exactly what happened when I had an affair with my son’s soccer coach. First, I couldn’t stop freaking out, but now that we’re a few seasons down the line, the two-second excerpt of me putting a hand on his chest and saying, ‘We shouldn’t be doing this,’ isn’t even the climactic part of the recaps. Frankly, once this whole dealing-with-loss arc runs out, I don’t think they’ll include any mention at all of the many untimely deaths that have befallen my friends and family members.” Worthington added that, in contrast, she was sure the recent revelation that she possessed dark powers and could transform herself into a cat would be a key part of any recap for years to come.
Deal Alert: This 4-Year-Old Wandered Really Far From The Playground, Your Car’s Right There, And Her Parents Would Definitely Cough Up Enough For A Marvel 3-In-1 Arcade Machine To Get Her Back #~# Attention all arcade fans! Here’s an opportunity that’s just too good to miss out on: This 4-year-old girl wandered really far away from the playground, your car’s right there, and her parents would definitely cough up enough for a Marvel three-in-one arcade machine to get her back.
Female James Bond Ruled Out By Series Producer #~# Series producer Barbara Broccoli stressed that James Bond will never be cast as a woman under her watch, saying “he can be of any color, but he is male,” and adding that “I believe we should be creating new characters for women—strong female characters.” What do you think?
Unclear What Licensing Deal Led To Single Season 4 Episode Of ‘The Blacklist’ Being Available For Viewing On Airplane #~# LOS ANGELES, CA—Explaining how the in-flight entertainment console didn’t feature any other installments of the crime thriller television series, local man Lucas Grant told reporters Monday that it was unclear what kind of licensing deal led to a single Season 4 episode of The Blacklist being available for viewing on his recent journey from Los Angeles to Washington, D.C. “There’s a bunch of movies, as well as full first seasons of other shows, but for some reason the only episode of the The Blacklist they have is some random one from 2016,” said a confused Grant, speculating that the airline may have a strange deal with the show’s production company or that perhaps some other airline has the rest of the streaming rights, since it’s the sixth episode in the season and he knows for a fact that the show is serialized and meant to be watch sequentially. “I was like, oh, nice, I’ve been meaning to check out The Blacklist, but then all they have to watch is an episode called ‘The Thrushes,’ which isn’t even from the show’s most recent season. Maybe it’s a technical glitch or something that allowed it to slip through? I mean, it also seems like it’s only available in Spanish.” At press time, Grant decided he would just watch Season 3, Episode 9 of Angie Tribeca, which was also available for viewing.
Conor McGregor Credits Excellent Pre-Fight Shape To Routine Of Hurling Heavy Objects In Public Spaces #~# LAS VEGAS—Explaining how constantly throwing bar stools strengthens several different muscle groups, mixed martial artist Conor McGregor credited his excellent pre-fight shape Saturday to a rigorous workout routine of hurling heavy objects in public spaces. “I’ve never been one for the gym—I need to be out there overturning tables and tossing them across the bar,” said the former welterweight champion, revealing that he trained for his main event bout against Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone by adhering to a strict regimen of ripping parking meters out of the ground and using them to pelt fleeing taxis. “I like to stay loose by getting into a scrum at the pub every week. Throwing hundreds of beer bottles is just good cardio. When I’m ready for strength training, I’ll knock over some mailboxes and chuck them into the park. Lifting cinder blocks above my head to smash in the windshield of my girlfriend’s car is great, too.” At press time, McGregor hurled a scale into an audience of reporters and broke one bystander’s jaw after weighing in two pounds over his ideal weight.
Grindr, Tinder Sharing User Data With Third Party #~# Grindr, OkCupid, and Tinder are among several dating apps accused of sending user data such as ethnicity, location, gender, and age to digital ad companies, nonprofit Norwegian Consumer Council found in a report released on Tuesday. What do you think?
Man Assumed Being Heartless, Egotistical Maniac Would Have Made Him Richer By Now #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Voicing frustration with a strategy that had inexplicably failed to pay off, local man Cole Peterson admitted to reporters Friday that he assumed being a heartless, egotistical maniac would have made him richer by now. “I really thought being a cutthroat asshole at work and selling out all my friends and family would have got me to the top by now, but here I am, still stuck in the same dead-end job as a decade ago,” said Peterson, who explained he just found it odd how someone could unsuccessfully accumulate any substantial wealth despite operating like a textbook sociopath under any given circumstance in their personal and professional lives. “I’ve been laser-focused on getting ahead at all costs since the start of my career, so why am I still driving a 2004 Mazda? I’m definitely just as much of a power-hungry lunatic as Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg. I’ve treated every one of my relationships like a networking connection and backstabbed coworkers at every chance I could get. I don’t know what else the universe needs me to do to give me the wealth I deserve.” At press time, Peterson decided the next best course of action was to just kill people and take their money.
Senators Sworn In As Impeachment Trial Begins #~# Chief Justice John Roberts swore in all one hundred senators for President Trump’s impeachment trial Thursday, requiring them to swear to do “impartial justice” in the third such proceedings in American history. What do you think?
Republican Senators Maintain They’ll Weigh All Evidence Before Carrying Trump Out On Shoulders #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that their duty to uphold the Constitution required impartiality in their role as jurors, Republican senators told reporters Friday that they would weigh all evidence before lifting President Donald Trump into the air and carrying him outside on their shoulders. “Look, as senators, we swore a solemn oath to deliver justice, and I intend to abide by that precisely as we use this trial to scrutinize the facts and then determine exactly how—and indeed, if—we will storm into the Oval Office, hoist the delighted president aloft, and regale him with spirited rounds of ‘Hip, hip, hurray,’” said Sen. Mitch McConnell, noting that his awesome responsibility as the chamber’s majority leader required him to tamp down on any partisan speculation on whether Senate Republicans would rush to raise the president up onto their shoulders while singing “He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” or if Senate Republicans would opt for a more stately procession in which they conveyed the recently acquitted Trump past each and every Democratic congressperson’s office. “Unlike some of my liberal colleagues, I understand my solemn role in this trial is to examine all the information at hand before passing judgment. Then, and only then, can we know whether it’s a reasonable course of action to deploy some form of red-white-and-blue confetti while repeatedly tossing President Trump into the air. Until then, it would simply be irresponsible to comment on whether or not we will incorporate party horns, noisemakers, or a big cake covered with lit sparklers into the proceedings.” At press time, Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin had commended McConnell on his commitment to impartiality as they came to a swift conclusion on whether or not they should cue up Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” on the Senate’s speaker system.
Impressive ‘Super Smash Brothers’ Purist Only Plays Original SNES Or NES Game Each Character From #~# Super Smash Bros. is one of the most beloved series in video game history, and while the latest iteration for Switch has gotten great reviews, there are some fans who think it will never live up to the classic. Enter Charlie Alexanian, a really impressive Smash purist who only plays the original SNES or NES game each character is from.
History Of The U.S. Census #~# The U.S. Census, which is conducted every 10 years, will be conducted in 2020, and the process of documenting American citizens is not without its share of historical issues and controversies. The Onion takes a look at important moments in the history of the U.S. census.
NCAA Determines Becoming A Bengal Punishment Enough For Joe Burrow Taking Cash From Odell Beckham #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Laying down a harsh ruling that is sure to resonate in future cases, the NCAA determined Friday that Joe Burrow joining the Cincinnati Bengals will be more than enough punishment for his infraction of accepting a cash payment from Odell Beckham Jr. “We want to do everything we can to discourage college players from trying to monetize their position, and we have determined that whatever punishment we could come up with will pale in comparison to being drafted by the Bengals,” said N.C.A.A. president Mark Emmert, who warned that the LSU quarterback’s fate might become the new standard for punishing player corruption. “Let this be a warning to all the young men and women out there who might consider accepting a bribe. Burrow will have to spend the next four years playing for the Bengals, living in the city of Cincinnati, and carry the burden of being a hopeless franchise’s designated savior. Our only concern is that this punishment may be too harsh, but we are considering a scaled system where even worse infractions would entail being drafted by the Browns or Jets.” At press time, the N.C.A.A. had implemented a new disciple system for coaches who commit recruitment violations to be punished by up to three years as head coach of the Cowboys.
Tampax Unveils New Find My Tampon App For When One Really Gets Lodged Up There #~# CINCINNATI—Calling it the “fastest and most effective way” to find a lost or misplaced sanitary product, the makers of Tampax announced Friday the release of a new app called Find My Tampon, which is intended for use when one gets lodged way the hell up in there. “In the event a Tampax user is faced with an emergency situation requiring her to activate the app, our state-of-the-art technology will pinpoint the tampon’s location within 0.01 millimeters, even when it’s a full string-length past the point of no return,” said company spokesperson Janine Loughty, adding that Find My Tampon is extremely easy to use, and even has a built-in map feature that displays the real-time location and speed of your tampon as it advances up and out of reach within the vaginal canal. “If you find yourself fishing around up there with no luck, just open the app, press the ‘locate’ button, and wait for the tampon’s built-in GPS to sync with your phone. When you hear a beeping noise, or see a small red light flashing beneath the skin of your pelvic region, you’ll know you’ve found it.” The app also reportedly includes a self-destruct feature that immediately detonates any tampon deemed to have migrated beyond any reasonable hope of retrieval.
CNN Reveals Bernie Sanders Running For President Of Country With History Of Sexism #~# WASHINGTON—Calling their bombshell report incredibly damning, CNN revealed Thursday that Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders has been knowingly running a campaign to become president of a country with a long history of sexism. “This new evidence proves beyond a doubt that Bernie Sanders strongly wants to lead a nation that has repeatedly enabled, supported, and encouraged misogyny,” said Anderson Cooper in a breaking news segment, claiming to have several documents directly linking Sanders to a country that did not even allow women to vote until the 20th century. “Right here is a transcript of the text this woman-hating country was founded upon, a country which he willfully lives in and has publicly sworn an oath to, mind you. On just the first page it explicitly declares that all men are created equal, with absolutely no mention of women. And down here—look closely at these signatures that ratified this document as the supreme law of the land. You guessed it, all men.” At press time, CNN confirmed that Sanders had not yet denied his close ties to this country nor its tens of millions of residents with deeply ingrained biases against women.
Stephen Miller Hurt At Being Passed Over For Job Stalking Female Ambassador #~# WASHINGTON—After learning that Ukraine police had opened an investigation into whether associates of the president had surveilled the diplomat in Kyiv last year, White House senior advisor Stephen Miller was reportedly upset Thursday at being passed over for a job stalking female U.S. ambassador Marie Yovanovitch. “When I found out that some of Giuliani’s goons had been tailing the ambassador around Ukraine, my heart just sank—I mean, how could they decide to follow a lady around and not pick me to do the job?” said Miller, who added that after all the thankless tasks he had performed for the Trump administration over three-plus years in office, he figured he would be at the top of the list when a plum gig like stalking a woman on the administration’s behalf came along. “If I had known there was an opening for shadowing an important lady, I would’ve absolutely thrown my hat in the ring. Maybe I got passed over because I’m already stalking a bunch of women here in the U.S., but I still would’ve been able to manage my time and make it work. It really hurts that they didn’t even bother to ask. It would be one thing if I didn’t have any experience in tracking women without them knowing, but I’m really good at it. I can keep quiet in an alleyway, or stay awake idling in the car, or huddle in a closet without a peep for hours. And I’m really good at gathering hair and undergarments. I just wish they’d given me a chance.” At press time, Miller had decided to cheer himself up by lying below the former ambassador’s bed wearing her clothing while she was asleep.
2019 Second-Hottest Year On Record #~# Climate data collected by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and NASA found that last year was the second-hottest year on record, continuing a worrying trend that has resulted in the planet warming 1.8 degrees Fahrenheit (or almost 1 degree Celsius) in the past 50 years. What do you think?
CNN Audio Analysis Reveals Biden Caught On Wet Mic While Chewing On Own Microphone #~# DES MOINES, IA—Emphasizing that the leaked recording would clear up any confusion about the various crunching, slurping, and gurgling sounds heard after the Iowa Democratic Debate, CNN released a wet mic audio analysis Thursday that revealed Joe Biden had been caught chewing on his own microphone. “While at first, the recording only picks up Biden shaking hands and joking with his fellow candidates, we eventually hear him tapping on the mic and whispering, ‘Oh, what is this? Come to papa,’” said CNN audio engineer Kristen Jennings, adding that the former vice president can then be heard sniffing the lavalier, licking it once, and then sticking it directly into his mouth. “After hours of analysis, our team has determined that Biden then attempted to chew the mic before saying ‘ew’ and spitting it out onto the ground. Then, a few minutes later, he decided to pick it back up, pop it back into his mouth, chew it, and ultimately, swallow it.” At press time, CNN confirmed that the microphone’s audio had also picked up ample evidence that Biden had successfully passed the mic two days later.
Study Estimates Half Of U.S. Adults Will Be Obese By 2030 #~# Nearly half of U.S. adults will be obese by 2030 and one-fourth will be severely so, according to a new study by the JPF Foundation based on a decades-long federal study. What do you think?
Human Trafficker Not Getting Any Traction On This One #~# ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA—Explaining that he’s been advertising the girl for months now without getting so much as a nibble from prospective buyers, local human trafficker Cheslav Prokopyev told reporters Thursday that he just hasn’t been able to get any traction on this one. “Man, I’m really starting to worry Natalia was a lousy investment,” Prokopyev said of the 13-year-old girl he kidnapped with plans to sell into sexual slavery, expressing disappointment that he had done all the work of transporting her across international borders, cleaning and fixing her up, and harboring her in his secret warehouse only for her to sit there unsold for months. “I’ve managed to sell all the girls I acquired during my trip to Moldova last year except her. It sucks, because I’m hemorrhaging money on upkeep and, at this point, I’m not even sure I can recoup my costs. I’ve tried hitting up my connections in Abu Dhabi and Bangladesh and offering her at a huge discount, but no one, not even the sweatshop people, has expressed any interest.” Prokopyev added that he was considering reaching out to his friends in the organ-harvesting industry to see if she could at least be scrapped for parts.
Man Afraid He’ll Seem Vulnerable If He Reaches Out To Fire Department For Help #~# WILMER, TX—Fretting over what such a display of weakness would do to his reputation, local man Neil Rockfield told sources Thursday he was afraid of seeming vulnerable if he reached out to the fire department for help with an out-of-control blaze. “I always learned growing up that a real man puts out his own house fire, and I’ll just feel so lame letting them know I can’t deal with this,” said Rockfield, adding that just the idea of putting himself out there and admitting he couldn’t handle a raging fire in his living room and kitchen made him feel sick to his stomach. “The awkwardness of talking to a complete stranger on the phone and saying, ‘Hey, can you help me?’ is too much. They’ll probably want to know how bad it is, too. I don’t know if I can humiliate myself by asking another grown adult to drive a fire truck over here. My dad would have never done something like this.” At press time, Rockfield decided to go to bed and see how he felt about the situation in the morning.
House To Send Impeachment Articles To Senate #~# After a 228-to-193 vote in favor of proceeding, the House of Representatives will send two articles of impeachment against President Trump to the Senate despite concerns about Senate Leader Mitch McConnell’s impartiality and refusal to call witnesses to testify in the trial. What do you think?
Public Disapproval Of Iran Approach Convinces Trump To Reverse Soleimani Killing #~# WASHINGTON—Backtracking in light of recent polls that indicate public dismay over his handling of Iran, President Trump announced Wednesday he was moving forward with a plan to reverse the killing of top Iranian general Qassem Soleimani. “I have overturned the decision to assassinate Gen. Soleimani and ordered our military to rescind the Jan. 3 drone strike that destroyed his convoy at Baghdad International Airport,” said Trump, who explained the move would revoke Soleimani’s status as a Shiite martyr and decrease the likelihood of the United States being drawn into an unpopular war with Iran. “The U.S. Air Force operation that killed the general was conducted without the consent of Congress and, more significantly, without the backing of the American people. So today our forces in the region will take immediate action to return Soleimani to his family unexploded. This doesn’t mean we won’t take him out in a future operation if surveys indicate a majority of swing-state voters approve of such an action, but for now we will allow him to resume command of the Quds Force.” The president added that he has yet to see any polls that would convince him to retract his October decision to let Turkey kill hundreds of Kurdish civilians in Syria.
Democrats Attend Last Debate Before Start Of Voting #~# Featuring the field’s first all-white debate stage and the potential for escalating conflict between candidates, viewers tuned into the seventh and final Democratic debate before caucus voting begins in Iowa. What do you think?
Scientists Still Unable To Determine Whether Yes A Good Band #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following a three-decade-long, multimillion-dollar study to evaluate the progressive rock group’s music, a team of scientists at Harvard University announced Wednesday that they were no closer to determining if the British band Yes is good or not. “While deep sonic analysis reveals technically interesting aspects to the band’s discography—1971’s The Yes Album and 1983’s 90125, in particular—we continue to struggle in our efforts to conclusively demonstrate whether Yes is actually a decent band,” said head researcher Dr. Jeremy Loach, confirming his team successfully replicated the findings of earlier studies that concluded the band’s album covers are pretty trippy and the bass guitar groove on “Roundabout” fucking rocks, but could establish little else with certainty. “Take a song like ‘Close To The Edge’: The organ performance and the vocal harmonies certainly sound as if they’ve been recorded by a good band. But then you realize they’re tucked inside an 18-minute, multi-movement song with lyrics about witches, and it’s unclear exactly what Yes was even going for, let alone whether this is good music. At the same time, the band has been together for more than 50 years now, and if they were bad, surely they would have called it quits long ago. Right?” While research into Yes remains inconclusive, Loach noted that his team long ago uncovered hard scientific evidence definitively proving that Emerson, Lake, and Palmer sucks.
Biden Asks Advisors How Much Longer He Has To Pretend To Be Confused And Doddering To Avoid Criticism #~# DES MOINES, IA—Cutting off his chief strategist midway through a daily meeting to express his unwillingness to continue the deception much longer, former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly asked advisors Wednesday how much longer he has to go through the routine of acting confused and doddering in order to avoid criticism. “Please, guys, I’m so tired of putting on this whole song-and-dance of stumbling over my words at every public appearance and painfully wincing so it seems like I’ve completely forgotten a foreign leader’s name,” said the presumptive frontrunner, looking at each and every one of his advisors with clear, thoughtful eye contact, while stressing that although his consistent lead in polling showed the strategy had worked spectacularly to shield him from any critique of his record, he also longed to drop this “entire frail-old-man act” and speak to audiences in full sentences that allowed him to robustly articulate his vision for restoring America’s soul. “Just give me a date when I can start fully enunciating my words in TV spots. That’s all. Obviously, I can keep doing the simple stuff like biting my wife’s finger or challenging audience members to push-up contests seemingly out of nowhere. I know you think that’s helpful. I get that it would sink me in the polls if I were held accountable for past statements and actions, but frankly it’s just exhausting to be constantly acting this mentally confused when I know I can be so much stronger out there.” At press time, Biden was begging his advisors to at least never again make him punch himself midway through a debate to give the appearance of his eye filling up with blood.
Pros And Cons Of Economic Sanctions #~# Economic sanctions, in which a country levies financial penalties against another country, entity, or person, are at the center of tense U.S.–Iran relations, and their use in general is a matter of significant debate. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of economic sanctions.
Morbid Visit Home Begins With Grandfather Only Able To Complete Single Flying Crane Backflip Kick To Ward Off Intruders #~# HONG KONG—Watching with growing discomfort as the 75-year-old groaned and winced in pain, college student Gordon Cheng expressed concern Wednesday during a visit home upon realizing that his grandfather was able to land only a single flying crane backflip kick while fighting off a group of intruders. “It’s sad that all these creaks and wheezes are coming from a man I’m used to seeing execute a perfect wall run, jab two assailants precisely in the groin, and cleanly decapitate a third with a rising crescent kick,” said Cheng, who claimed his heart sank while watching the elder Cheng, a master who once fought off entire clans without breaking a sweat, pause to carefully grip a staircase railing for support before kicking a goon through a wall. “It’s not just his strength; he’s losing a lot of dexterity, too, as you can see by the way he struggled to grasp that last man’s head before snapping his neck. We’re definitely going to need to keep an eye on him—no one wants to get that call telling us he slipped and fell off a roof during a midnight showdown somewhere. Logically, I know that the only reason he brought my twin sister and I back to the Divine Fortress was to eventually take over his legacy, but man, I didn’t think it would be so soon.” Cheng has made the difficult decision to look into at-home nursing services upon discovering that his grandfather was unable to remember where he had stored his emergency stash of plum blossom sticks.
Top 10 Things To Do In New York City #~# Midtown skyscraper where people go to snap a memorable photo or trudge into yet another day of soulless, mind-numbing work.
Pete Buttigieg Trapped In Freezer After Searching Iowa Diner For Back Room With High-Rolling Donors #~# BETTENDORF, IOWA—Shivering and shouting for help as his plan to find his supporters went awry, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg was reportedly trapped in a walk-in freezer Thursday after searching an Iowa diner for its back room with high-rolling donors. “Help! Help! Can anyone hear me? I don’t understand where my donors are if they’re not in this cooler,” said Buttigieg, who had reportedly breezed through the diner, ignoring its clientele, before asking a line cook where the back room with all the wealthy campaign funders was located, getting frustrated at the man’s confusion, and deciding to find it himself by searching for a hidden passageway as the freezer door locked behind him. “I don’t understand—it’s usually right here. They have to hide in the back so we can meet in secret outside the prying eyes of the media and all the poor people. Where is the manager? Why on earth would I enter a rinky-dink joint just to hobnob with a bunch of people eating scrambled eggs and getting five bucks for my trouble when I know there’s a cushy hidden back room where I can talk to voters who matter over a glass of champagne? Jesus Christ, where’s [spokesperson] Lis [Smith] when I need her? I don’t know what I’m going to do. I already called for help in eight languages, and I’m starting to get really cold.” At press time, Buttigieg had resorted to doing his campaign’s “High Hopes” dance in an effort to stay warm.
CNN Reminds Debate Participants To Keep Personal Attacks Off The Stage In Favor Of New Confession Cam Backstage #~# DES MOINES, IA—Reaffirming their commitment to facilitating a civil, constructive event, CNN moderators reminded Democratic debate participants Tuesday to keep personal attacks off the stage in favor of the new confessional cam backstage. “We want to have an honest discussion about policies and positions, so if you have any vicious insults or cheap shots you want to take, we ask that you hold back until we have you mic’d up and sitting somewhere cushy,” said moderator Wolf Blitzer, who added that in the offhand chance candidates didn’t have anything negative to say, a CNN producer would be able to assist them by offering them a glass of champagne or shot of tequila and some helpful prompts. “Verbal abuse will not be tolerated on the debate stage, but if you want to call Pete Buttigieg a spineless little bitch in front of the confession cam, we ask that you please go off. Voters have an important choice to make, so we ask that you let any unpleasant feelings build up inside of you until you have the opportunity to get backstage and explode. Crying for an hour and then falling asleep in front of the confession cam is simply standard debate etiquette.” Blitzer added that the footage would be shared in a two-hour-long special following the debate.
CNN Moderator Challenges Sanders’ Support For Women By Asking Him To Name Every Part Of Female Reproductive System #~# DES MOINES, IA—In light of the Democratic presidential candidate’s alleged comments on the electiblity of a female candidate, CNN debate moderator Wolf Blitzer challenged Bernie Sanders Tuesday to prove his support for women by accurately naming each part of the female reproductive system. “All of them—you have 30 seconds,” said Blitzer, gesturing toward an unlabeled anatomical diagram of the female reproductive organs. “As a progressive candidate, this is your opportunity to show your advocacy for women’s rights once and for all by listing every part of the female genitalia, internal and external, in alphabetical order and then from largest to smallest. Don’t forget any of the ligaments or blood vessels.” At press time, Sanders attempted to transition to discussing policy before being cut off and forced to draw the vulva.
CNN Figures It Can Soak Tom Steyer For Couple Million By Pretending It Costs Money To Appear In Debate #~# DES MOINES, IA—Speculating that the candidate would not raise an objection to any sum they named, CNN officials reported Tuesday that they figured the network could soak Tom Steyer for a few million simply by pretending that it costs money to appear in that evening’s debate. “Here’s what I’m thinking: We just rattle off an email to Tom’s campaign mentioning that we hadn’t gotten his $2.5 million debate fee, see if any of his staffers bat an eye, and then take things from there,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker, noting that his team had already received prompt and courteous payment from Steyer’s campaign after sending them an itemized list suggesting the network required reimbursement for the candidate’s podium and microphone alongside a per-question fee for Wolf Blitzer’s time. “Early on, I told one of his chief aides that we were going to bill them for every word he uttered, and he just nodded and said ‘uh-huh, sounds good.’ God, he was actually surprised that we were charging them so much less than PBS had at the last debate.” At press time, Steyer was spotted frantically searching his suit pockets after a stage tech informed the businessman that he had failed to compensate the network with $500 for its customary entrance fee.
Democratic Candidates Immediately Descend Into Violent Pandemonium Without Cory Booker’s Message Of Love #~# DES MOINES, IA—Following the New Jersey senator’s decision to end his bid for the White House, sources confirmed Tuesday that without Cory Booker’s message of love and unity to hold it together, a bloody wave of chaos and rage had spread through the Democratic presidential field. According to eyewitnesses, absent Booker’s ideals of sympathy for those with different viewpoints and compassion for one’s political enemies, a series of violent attacks erupted among the candidates, with Joe Biden taking a tire iron to a campaign bus Pete Buttigieg had driven at full speed through a group of the former vice president’s canvassers. The sudden lack of caring and cooperation in the political atmosphere also reportedly led Amy Klobuchar to drag Andrew Yang by the hair through the streets of Des Moines, kick the entrepreneur unconscious, and throw him into a river. At press time, Mike Bloomberg is said to have responded to the primary race’s new climate by going door-to-door and pistol-whipping dozens of working-class Iowans until they agreed to vote for him.
Queen Elizabeth II Allows Prince Harry, Meghan Markle To Split Time Between U.K., Canada #~# Saying she respects the couple’s hopes to “live a more independent life as a family,” Queen Elizabeth II announced she will allow Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to transition to end their reliance on public funds and split their time between the United Kingdom and Canada. What do you think?
Sanders Campaign Doubles Down With New Ad Warning Americans They’ll Never Be Able To Hear A Female President Over The Sound Of Her Vacuum #~# DES MOINES—Responding to accusations by members of the Elizabeth Warren campaign that he told her in a 2018 conversation that he didn’t believe a woman could win the presidency, the Bernie Sanders campaign doubled down Tuesday with a new television ad warning Americans that they’ll never be able to hear a female president over the sound of her vacuum. “I do not believe that we as Americans can risk electing a female candidate who won’t address universal healthcare or climate change over the loud racket of her vacuum cleaner coming from the Oval Office 24 hours a day,” said Sanders over an ominous 30-second black-and-white shot of panicked advisors fleeing a national security meeting when the female president, a woman with a beehive hairdo, high heels, and an apron, accidentally filled the room with thick smoke after burning a pan of cookies in the briefing room oven. “When you make your decision about the Democratic nominee, consider whether you want a president who is divided between making policy decisions and scrubbing the floors, or trying to take care of our veterans when she’s preoccupied with her crying baby. Not to mention the hair dryer whirring all day and night as the lady president does her hair. And how does she expect to keep America safe when she’s constantly distracting our top generals by asking them for help opening difficult jars? Maybe we as a nation will be ready for a female president in 2024, if technology has improved so that vacuums are quieter, but until then we can’t afford to take the chance.” The Warren campaign reportedly responded with a fundraising email stating that the candidate was disappointed that Sanders had called her every single day since 2016 to say that women should never be allowed in public without a male escort but that she didn’t want to discuss the matter further and risk being divisive.
Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Race #~# Cory Booker announced on Monday that he will suspend his run for the Democratic Party presidential nomination, ending a campaign nagged by low polling numbers and fundraising totals and leaving the race with only one African American candidate in former Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. What do you think?
Swing Voter Really Relates To Buttigieg’s Complete Lack Of Conviction #~# DES MOINES, IA—Praising the former South Bend, IN mayor as a “true champion” of nothing in particular, local swing voter Chris Fernsby told reporters Tuesday he felt a deep connection with presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg’s complete lack of conviction. “As a generally noncommittal person without any firm ideas about how our government should be run, I can see a lot of myself in this up-and-coming young leader with no discernible political identity,” said Fernsby, who added that Buttigieg’s vague but carefully focus-grouped positions on Medicare for All and police reform perfectly captured his own indecisive and shifting mindset when it came to issues at stake in the 2020 election. “Do I have strong views on affordable housing or how much public college tuition should cost? No. But you know what? Neither does Pete Buttigieg. When I listen to his uplifting, substance-free rhetoric, the only thing I can tell for sure is that he really, really wants to be president. And that’s good enough for me!” Fernsby went on to add that while he intended to support Buttigieg for the Democratic nomination, he still planned to vote for President Trump in the general election.
Cash-Strapped Men’s Wearhouse Now Offering Free Measurements Of Whatever The Hell You Want #~# FREMONT, CA—In an effort to increase foot traffic at their 1,667 locations nationwide, struggling retailer Men’s Wearhouse announced Tuesday that, effective immediately, they would provide free measurements of whatever the hell customers wanted. “We’ve trained our associates to go beyond sleeves and inseams to measure just about anything, from the distance between Milwaukee and Chicago to the density of sedimentary rocks,” said CEO Dinesh Lathi, noting that the retailer would also arrange house calls to help measure anything from square footage of a domicile to hectares of land to “even freshly caught trout, in case you want to see if you’ve broken any angling records.” “Naturally we’re still offering free chest and waist measurements, but we hope to boost sales by measuring any place on your body, someone else’s body, planetary bodies, or even imaginary or theoretical bodies. Any object qualifies; let us know what you have, whether it’s a pine 2-by-4 or an 8.5-by-11-inch sheet of copier paper. If you’ve got a prize-winning pumpkin, we’d be happy to confirm that and fit it for a three-piece suit while we’re at it. While it’s true online shopping has hit sales pretty hard, we’re still measurement leaders, and if this pans out, we might transition into an all-measurement-based company.” Lathi also stressed that the Men’s Wearhouse would still not provide garment measurements for women.
American Cancer Society Reports Largest-Ever Drop In Cancer Rates #~# Thanks to a decline in smoking and better treatments for lung cancer, the American Cancer Society reported a 2.2% drop in cancer from 2016 to 2017, the largest-ever reported change since record-keeping began in 1930. What do you think?
Boeing Scrambling After New CEO Catches Fire During First Press Conference #~# CHICAGO—Emphasizing that the 62-year-old executive was just experiencing minor technical issues and would be back behind the podium shortly, Boeing officials scrambled to do damage control Monday after their new CEO Dave Calhoun erupted into flames during his first press conference. “I assure you, Mr. Calhoun is one of the safest board members in Boeing’s history and has never caught fire prior to today,” said Boeing spokesperson Karen Flynn, adding that Mr. Calhoun had undergone rigorous testing before being promoted to CEO, leaving the company stunned when he suddenly paused his speech, sent out an SOS signal, and burst into flames. “While we are devastated by the news, the reality of having executives is that there is always a risk that one will lose control, fly off the stage, and crash into the audience at high velocity. To the hundreds who died, or suffered severe injuries today, we sincerely apologize.” At press time, investigators found that Mr. Calhoun had failed to pay Boeing for additional safety protections that could have prevented him from exploding into millions of small, unidentifiable pieces.
Cory Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Rat Race After Falling In Love With Small-Town Iowa Life #~# ALGONA, IA—Sitting in the diner where he now eats breakfast every morning, Senator Cory Booker announced Monday that he was dropping out of the 2020 rat race after falling in love with small-town Iowa life. “I’ve spent my whole life worrying about my career, chasing the next big position, but after spending all this time in Iowa, I’ve realized it’s community and family that count,” said Booker, who revealed he’s taken a position at the local auto parts store, bought a cute little ranch house, and started volunteering at a nursing home. “The air is fresher, the people are nicer, and everyone knows your name. I’ve found peace here. I was working my ass off every day, and for what? To be president of the United States? To pass some immigration plan? That stuff doesn’t matter. I just want a quiet garden and people who love me.” Booker added that while girlfriend Rosario Dawson was thinking about moving in, she was more interested in a place with a little more hustle and bustle like Fort Dodge.
Report: Under One-Third Of Iowa, New Hampshire Voters Settled On Candidate #~# With February’s primary and caucus votes rapidly approaching, a recent CBS/YouGov poll found only one-third of Iowa and New Hampshire voters are settled on a Democratic candidate, leaving the race for the presidential nomination wide open in the leadup to the election. What do you think?
Homeless, Disheveled Prince Harry Spotted Eating Out Of Garbage Can Just 24 Hours After Stepping Away From Monarchy #~# NORTHAMPTON, ENGLAND—According to eyewitnesses at the scene, a homeless and thoroughly disheveled Prince Harry was spotted Monday eating out of residential garbage cans only 24 hours after stepping away from the Royal Family. “I heard a clatter in the alleyway, so I circled around and found him rooting around in my trash and kind of quietly muttering to himself,” said Northamptonshire resident Sarah Christie, describing the unshaven, filth-covered Duke of Sussex as “clearly not in a good place” in the wake of announcing plans to distance himself from the British monarchy, while expressing concern about the senior royal’s bloodshot eyes and foul stench. “I asked if he needed help, but he just hissed at me and went back to sucking on this half-eaten chicken bone he’d rooted up. Frankly, I was trying to keep my distance because I wasn’t 100% sure he wasn’t going to lunge.” At press time, Christie had called the police after witnessing the Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle repeatedly attempt to sell off her baby to people waiting at a nearby bus stop.
God Struggling To Feign Happiness After Jesus Announces He Marrying Exotic Dancer From Place Off I-95 #~# THE HEAVENS—Straining to react to the surprising engagement announcement with a measure of enthusiasm, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to feign happiness Monday after Jesus Christ informed Him that He would be marrying an exotic dancer from a place off I-95. “I should have paid more attention when He kept making earthly appearances at some place off the Jersey turnpike called Centerfolds, but I never expected He’d suddenly be telling me He proposed to some stripper He barely knows,” said Our Lord, stressing that while He held nothing against the 22-year-old beauty school graduate and had always encouraged His son to reach out to those at the margins of society, there was “no way in hell” that He would be allowing Christ to get married to someone named Cinnamon. “All I could do was keep smiling and nodding while He went on about how artistic she was and how He already felt like a father to her two kids. I can tell you this much, though: There is no goddamn way I’m letting the son I sent to die for humanity’s sin throw away His life like this.” At press time, He Who Commanded the Light to Shine Forth From The Darkness went on to note that He would be changing His will in the next few days just in case His son disobeyed His wishes.
Relationship Experts Urge You Not To Cheat On Significant Other Even Though Sex Will Feel Amazing And They Never Have To Know #~# BOULDER, CO—Stressing the importance of remaining faithful despite what would be a night of mind-blowing ecstasy, relationship experts urged you not to cheat on your significant other Monday even though the sex will feel amazing and they will never have to know. “For a relationship to thrive, it’s essential that you remain committed to your partner despite how incredible it will feel to fuck someone else while on that business trip and how easy it would be to hide your infidelity,” said couples therapist Alex Burch, emphasizing that while the illicit nature of your affair will make the sex way hotter, it is morally wrong to act upon the temptation to sleep with someone much more attractive than your current partner. “Even though this tryst with an exciting new person would be exhilarating and unearth feelings you haven’t experienced in years, we recommend against some of the most exciting sex you’ll ever have. It takes a lot of willpower to deny yourself a once-in-a-lifetime sexual experience with a stranger who would never blab to your significant other, but in the end, it’s probably best to stick to your principles. Probably.” Burch added that as always, oral sex does not count as full-on cheating, so you should feel perfectly comfortable exploring those encounters and not telling your partner about them after.
U.S. Plagued By Widespread Website Crashes After Mouse Gets Into Internet #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Constantly evading frustrated domain hosts’ attempts to trap and remove the pest, many of the nation’s websites began crashing Friday after a mouse got into the internet. “We don’t know where exactly he is, but we know that little bastard is in there somewhere chewing through lines of code, so let us know if he shows up on a website you’re browsing,” said exterminator Mike Ortega, who noted the mouse was first found sleeping behind a CNN Money article, but had apparently been tearing apart algorithms and hyperlinks on the internet for days. “We thought we had him trapped in magnoliawinebar.com, but he slipped out through a web portal. We know he’s still in there because you can hear him scurrying through banner ads, and he’s been leaving droppings in a bunch of email inboxes. Half the internet could be unusable soon, so just as a precaution, you should try putting up a few cat photos on any websites you use to scare him away.” At press time, the mouse had been caught after customers browsing hardcoretees.com reported a funny smell coming from the site.
Emergency Last Responders Loiter Around Scene Pretending To Aid Victims After Most Of The Work Already Done #~# GREENSBORO, NC—Announcing that everything seemed under control and that they would be most helpful by staying out of the way, emergency last responders loitered around a multi-car pileup Friday pretending to aid victims after most of the work was already done. “Oh, looks like the fire department already used the Jaws of Life and the cops are dealing with rerouting traffic, so I guess we can get started on cleaning up blood or whatever,” said last responder Colton Price, casually offering an ice pack to a man already receiving treatment in the back of an ambulance before wandering over to the ditch to look at the line of wrecked vehicles. “We were in the drive-thru when we got the alert, so as soon as we finished lunch, we raced over. A lot of these casualties need pressure applied to their wounds, but we’re out of medium gloves so it can’t be me. Holy crap, look at all this broken glass. I better stand here and warn people not to step in it. Otherwise, someone could end up with a really bad cut.” At press time, Price and his team ducked out early claiming they had received an urgent call from the dispatcher or something that they needed to go check out.
Excited Park Rangers Announce Lincoln Memorial Actually A Girl After Statue Gives Birth To Litter Of Tiny Marble Abraham Lincolns #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting that they were “shocked but still delighted” by the discovery, rangers with the National Park Service announced Thursday that the Lincoln Memorial has given birth to a litter of tiny marble Abe Lincolns, definitively demonstrating that the statue is, in fact, actually a girl. “We recently noticed that Lincoln had gained significant weight and was occasionally sick in the mornings, and at first, we thought something was severely wrong,” said assistant park director Benjamin Grove, describing how park rangers had arrived at the memorial to be greeted by the sight of the happy but exhausted statue blissfully nursing a half-dozen newborn Lincolns. “For obvious reasons, it had never occurred to us to determine the gender of the monument, and I suppose we look rather foolish now. But the whole litter is healthy and happy, and we’ll soon be able to adopt them out to other states. Of course, we’re more surprised than anything, but altogether it’s a joy—how can you look at these cuddly little bearded marble buddies and not smile?” At press time, “Abe Lincoln” was leading the baby-naming contest on the park’s website for all six babies.
Man Validated After Discovering Popular Kid From High School Ended Up Bottoming Out Almost As Much As He Did #~# GLENDIVE, MT—Finding himself deeply satisfied upon learning that his alpha classmate’s life turned out nearly as shitty as his own, local automotive upholstery repairman Josh Vick, 29, felt deeply validated Thursday upon discovering that Luke Morris, one of the most popular kids in his high school class, had bottomed out almost as much as he himself has. “It’s really satisfying to know that even though he seemed like a golden boy with everything going for him when we were younger, he still managed to fuck up almost as bad as me,” said Vick, noting how good it felt to know that Morris, who was scouted by Division I football teams back when he was a high school quarterback, somehow never made it out of the slightly more affluent neighborhood of Glendale, where Vick also still lives. “I was so jealous of him growing up, but to see that he weighs only 10 or so pounds less than I do really puts my grudge to rest. And it’s pretty sad that he’s still dating Krista Kilmartin, the same old girl from high school, who by the way I was hopelessly in love with.” Vick reportedly felt smug after that Morris had taken a dead-end job as his manager at the local dollar store.
Couple No Fun Anymore After Having Kids Die #~# FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After the pair turned down a social gathering for the third time that month, close friends of Dawn and Kevin Edmund confirmed Wednesday that the couple had really stopped being fun after having their kids die. “They never want to go out anymore; it’s always ‘We have family therapy’ or ‘Dawn can’t get out of bed today’ or whatever,” said Kevin’s best friend Thomas Fendrich, who added that in the years since the Edmunds’ 4-year-old twin girls had been killed in a horrific car accident, it seemed like the couple no longer knew how to have a good time. “On the off chance they do come out, we’ll usually spend half of dinner looking at all of Dawn’s photos of her deceased kids, and it’s like, we get it! They were cute! And Kevin used to be such a party animal, but now he’s saying he can’t even look at alcohol after what happened. It’s honestly a bummer, and you know what? I can tell you right now that I’m not going to be one of those people who is just completely obsessed with their dead kids.” At press time, Fendrich was seen rolling his eyes as the couple launched into yet another boring story about their daughters’ last words before passing away.
Dumb Tourists In Paris Gawking At Splendor Of Greatest Architectural Feats In Human History #~# PARIS—Stopping every few blocks to tilt back their heads in wonder, idiotic hick tourists on their first visit to Paris made utter fools of themselves this week by unabashedly gawking at the timeless splendor of some of the most beautiful examples of architecture in human history. “Check out these dopes goggling at this breathtaking testament to the melding of engineering and human creativity,” said Eiffel Tower tour guide Henri Bergeron, disdainfully pointing out a large group of vacationers clearly dumbstruck by the zenith of mankind’s structural accomplishments. “Oh, what, they’ve never seen a heart-stopping tribute to humanity’s potential before? Year after year, these vulgarians come to Paris to clog our streets, mangle our language, take up too much space in cafés, and openly marvel at the stunning achievements of the human mind and spirit. Typical Americans.” Bergeron added that he doesn’t come to their small towns and gawk at their stupid triplexes.
Hasbro Launches Line Of Trap-Building Kits To Encourage Girls To Get Into Post-Apocalyptic Survivalism #~# PAWTUCKET, RI—Seeking to challenge the perception that preparing devices to fend off roving marauders is exclusively for boys, Hasbro debuted a new line of weaponized trap-building kits this week to encourage more girls to become involved in the field of post-apocalyptic survivalism. “We found that the average 10-year-old girl is 70% less likely than her male counterpart to be interested in protecting a makeshift scavenger den against the mutants, deviants, and roving marauders who crawled forth from the wreckage of society as compared to their male peers, so we knew we had to do something,” said Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner, who demonstrated prototypes of his company’s “Little Miss Prepared Track ‘n’ Trap” kits, demure brushed-steel suitcases trimmed with rose gold and equipped with survival gear including lengths of pink rope, small floral-accented commando shovels for digging beginner-sized tiger pits, and razor wire looped into heart-shaped deployment reels. “Primary school-age girls tend to fall behind on important skills that will prove vital in our inevitable post-society future, such as knotwork, sharpshooting, and demolitions expertise, and our kits give them the chance to get the same hands-on experience as boys. There’s even an optional pink plastic survival knife that can be used to pretend to whittle wooden stakes and spears, so girls as young as four can develop intimidation soft skills even when they’re not actively assembling a trap. We at Hasbro believe that girls are just as able to subsist in The Burned Land as boys.” Hasbro plans to eventually expand the line to include food canning kits, an E-Z Fry fingerprint-burning chemistry set, and a picture book titled The Princesses’ Guide To Burying Gold Bullion.
Truffle Oil Embarrassed To Be Working With Low-Class Ingredients On Loaded Fries #~# TOMS RIVER, NJ—Admitting that it was “a big step down” for a refined product such as itself to take the job in the first place, an artesian truffle oil confirmed Tuesday that it was deeply embarrassed to be working with low-class ingredients on loaded fries. “For years, I’ve been considered a delicacy, and now they just dump some runny sour cream all over me,” said the mortified infused oil, lamenting that it has found itself among “peasant foods” like ground beef, jalapeños, and bacon bits. “I don’t want to come off as elitist, but I have no business working as bar food. Not so long ago I was headlining Michelin-starred restaurants, and now they want to package me in a happy hour special with $3 Miller Lights? The cheek.” At press time, the truffle oil was objecting to its description in the menu as a “fixin.”
Cat Treat Package Going On About Delicious, Creamy Center Too Much Not To Be Marketing To Humans #~# OCEAN CITY, MD—Stressing that the descriptions sounded incredibly tasty, local man Lucas Petrakis told reporters Monday that the copy on a package of cat treats was going on about their delicious, creamy center way too much for the company not to be marketing the product to humans. “It says they are ‘slow-roasted’ and ‘savory,’ which, come on, it definitely sounds like something you’d see on a normal snack,” said Petrakis of the product, which happens to be perfectly bite-sized for a human mouth, explaining how the packaging even contains a cross-section photograph of one of the glistening treats that the text describes as “a soft and meaty center.” “It also says they have a crunchy outside and an ‘irresistible filling,’ and it’s kind of making me crave them when I shouldn’t be. They really make them out to be quite appetizing in the text—I mean, the brand is even called ‘Temptations’—which is a little suspect since it’s not like my cat is going to be reading this.” At press time, Petrakis said, “Fuck it” and popped a handful of the cat treats in his mouth.
Demon Kicking Self For Inhabiting Child When He Could’ve Possessed Someone Who Could Buy A Gun #~# GUILFORD, CT—Disappointed that his efforts thus far could best be defined as minor mischief, the cacodemon Artaraz, known as Chamberlain of the Void, Lord of the Unglimpsed, and He Who Dwells Beyond The Third Seal, confessed Monday to “feeling like a complete idiot” for possessing the mortal form of 6-year-old Chase Humbert instead of a full-grown adult who could buy a gun. “Chase was the 666th child born in that hospital, has a pretty passable-looking Mark of the Beast birthmark on his back, often stares at people without blinking or speaking, and seemed like a perfect fit at first, but I’m starting to think I really blew it,” said Artaraz, admitting it would be far easier to achieve his ambitions of sowing chaos and discord by spirit-riding a healthy 24-year-old white male into a gun shop to buy an automatic rifle instead of trapping himself in Humbert’s useless child body, which lacks the muscle mass to even push a babysitter out a fifth-story window. “I mean, I’m definitely making this kid’s parents miserable, what with all the screaming and the crayon pictures of people with their eyes blacked out, but that feels like small potatoes compared to what the average non-possessed American does every other day with a gun. Compared to that, a kid speaking in a deep voice as crimson light pours from his eyes is fairly trivial, even if he does get his hands on the grown-up scissors.” Artaraz has reportedly taken some small inspiration from common news stories featuring young children who have managed to find firearms in their mother’s purses with what the demon called “glorious results.”
Report: Everything Slightly Worse Than Yesterday #~# NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the phenomenon is barely perceptible on a daily basis yet significant when observed on the whole, the nation’s top qualitative experts released a report Monday confirming that everything in every significant area of life is, in fact, slightly worse than it was yesterday. “While there are by no means any drastic changes for the worse in any given 24-hour period, we have observed a measurable and steady decline in each passing day,” the report read in part, specifically noting gradual but perceptible declines in personal wealth, food quality, the overall love shared by humanity, and the warmth of sunlight. “The outlook certainly looks bleak for the things that bring you joy, be it conversation with friends or the sound of children’s laughter, as they slowly become less and less fulfilling. Your favorite song will eventually become grating, the touch of your lover harsh and abrasive, and your own thoughts bitter and abhorrent as your mind itself sours.” The report also noted that you should have noticed by now but your very awareness of things has diminished and grown hazy.
About ‘The Topical’ #~# The Topical is the daily news podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio. Journalism isn’t dead. It’s using its dying breath to beg you to listen to host Leslie Price as he holds your hand through the day’s top stories. New episodes published every weekday by 5 p.m. eastern time.
Olympic Committee Announces Tokyo Games Will Still Go On As Planned Because True Athletes Embrace Every Obstacle That Comes Their Way #~# LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—In an effort to quell cancellation rumors amidst coronavirus concerns, the International Olympic Committee announced Friday the 2020 Summer Games in Tokyo would go on as planned because true athletes always challenge themselves, welcoming every obstacle they counter. “At its core, being an athlete is all about overcoming adversity, and we can’t think of anything that better embodies the Olympic spirit than making top athletes from around the world brave the threat of a deadly global pandemic in order to compete,” said IOC president Thomas Bach, who emphasized there was no feat more inspiring than Olympic athletes testing their personal limits while they push through the symptoms of a highly contagious virus as it attacks their lungs. “When the going gets tough—right when you think you’ll be counted out because an unpreventable, untreatable respiratory disease is spreading both across the planet and inside your own body—that’s when Olympians shine brightest. Perhaps this year we’ll see our athletes persevering like never before as they struggle simply to catch their next breath.” Bach went on to state that spectators should not cancel plans to purchase tickets for this year’s Summer Olympics unless they are fair-weather fans who have lost all faith in the ability of the human spirit to triumph in the face of difficulty.
Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog #~# This puppy’s got all the fixins, too. We’re talking mustard, relish, even hot peppers. But will this all-beef dog be the most advanced encased meat on the battlefield or just another classic example of government waste?
Man Annoyed He No Longer Even Able To Go To Wuhan To Eat Bats Without Mom Freaking Out #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Acknowledging his frustration about his overprotective parent, area man Mark Folta told reporters Friday that he couldn’t even go to Wuhan to eat bats anymore without his mom completely freaking out. “I’ve tried to explain to her that this is something I have done dozens upon dozens of times before without any issue, but she’s in a full-fledged panic because of something she saw on the news,” said Folta, confirming his aggravation that even something as simple as wandering through the wet markets of the central Chinese capital sampling horseshoe bats would lead his irrational mother to “blow a gasket.” “No matter how many times I explain that people eat hundreds of bats every day and are completely fine, or that I’m going to a completely different part of the city from where the virus originated, it doesn’t make a difference. It’s like, I understand that there are risks involved with feasting on uncooked bat served without any sort of health regulations, but you take a risk when you get out of bed every morning, you know? She just doesn’t seem to understand that I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions.” Folta added that his mom’s anxiety was so severe that he had not even told her about his upcoming cruise to Japan aboard the Diamond Princess. 
NFL Draft Prospect Sets Combine Record By Scrubbing Entire Social Media Presence In 17.64 Seconds #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Stunning scouts as he effortlessly cleared out years’ worth of troubling posts while barely breaking a sweat, top NFL draft prospect T.J. DeLuca set a combine record Friday by scrubbing his entire social media presence in 17.64 seconds. “I’ve never seen anything like this, everything from his thoughts on women to offensive Halloween costumes were wiped out in seconds,” said Jets scout Mike Cenzo, who noted that the social media purge is one of the most essential measurements of professional potential that the NFL combine offers. “He was absolutely flying through Twitter, expunging racial slurs and pictures of him doing drugs like it was second nature to him. He probably jumped 20 draft spots when he was able to clean out all those dick pics he sent to women in the first five seconds. There is no doubt that this guy has what it takes to succeed in the NFL.” At press time, DeLuca had dropped back down the draft board after posting a mediocre eight stumbles during the domestic abuse denial run.
Marine Corps Orders Removal Of Confederate Symbols From All Bases #~# Marine Corps Commandant Gen. David Berger has ordered that Confederate paraphernalia be removed from all Marine installations worldwide, a move that comes at a time when 36% of active-duty service members say they have witnessed examples of white nationalism and other racist ideology within their ranks. What do you think?
Warren Tells Supporters To Cut That Pinterest Shit Out, This Is Serious #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Fed-up presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren publicly told her supporters Friday to “Cut that Pinterest shit out,” reminding them that her candidacy was a serious bid to become “the commander in chief of the goddamn United States and should be treated as such.” “I’m running a legitimate campaign for the highest fucking office in the nation, carrying on the legacy of brave historical women who stood up to oppression and spoke truth to power, I’m not an excuse for you to create a lame-ass ‘TeamWarren’-branded Etsy account,” said the Massachusetts senator sternly, adding that she was an “actual human woman with legislative experience, not an adult Hermione motherfucking Granger.” “Oh, you stitched ‘Nevertheless she persisted’ onto another damn pillow for your Instagram? Cute. By the way, have you ever heard of canvassing, or is the ‘pussy hat’ you wasted crucial primary outreach hours crocheting too snug around your ears? And, while we’re on this, where are the profits from that deluge of enamel pins going? Certainly not to my campaign, last I checked.” At press time, Warren had punched through the glass of a framed poster featuring her head photoshopped onto Wonder Woman’s body that her “so-called supporters” had mailed to her campaign headquarters.
Obama Kind Of Hurt No One’s Even Asked For His Endorsement #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that he would happily lend his support to any candidate who just requested it, former President Barack Obama told reporters Friday he was kind of hurt no one in the 2020 Democratic field has even asked for his endorsement. “Look, I don’t want to toot my own horn here, but I’m a two-term president with significant pull among Democratic voters and I can’t help but feel a little bummed that no campaign has even raised the question of whether I’d consider endorsing them,” said the 44th commander in chief, stressing that he would happily express his full-throated approval for Amy Klobuchar, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders or any of the race’s other candidates if they had even so much as broached the topic with him during recent in-person conversations, email chains, and phone calls. “Especially Joe. I mean, I worked with the guy for eight years, and he hasn’t even reached out to test the waters. I’m not trying to overstate my significance, but it’s not crazy to think my vouching for what he did as vice president could really change the way this race shakes out, right? I mean, what the hell? I feel like a forgotten man over here.” At press time, the former president had sighed and started drafting an enthusiastic endorsement of Tulsi Gabbard after receiving a request from one of the representative’s assistants.
Myth Vs. Fact: Stop-And-Frisk Policy #~# Michael Bloomberg’s Democratic presidential candidacy has shown the spotlight on stop-and-frisk policing policies, which he supported while New York City mayor and which remain a subject of controversy. The Onion debunks well-known myths about stop-and-frisk.
Child Doing Stations Of The Cross Reflects On Boredom Christ Must Have Felt During Crucifixion #~# GREENVILLE, OH—Reaching a more profound understanding of what martyrdom really meant, local 12-year-old Charlie Ward reportedly took a moment Friday while doing the stations of the cross to reflect on the boredom Jesus Christ must have felt during the crucifixion. “At first, I wasn’t really paying attention, but as I slowly worked my way through all 14 stations, I began to realize just how mind-numbingly dull it must have been for Jesus to be crucified,” said Ward, confirming that the multi-part devotion had helped him comprehend Jesus’s rote and tedious experience of falling multiple times and encountering various people as he carried the heavy wooden cross. “It’s really moving to think that our Lord loves us so much that he was willing to shoulder this amount of insipid monotony. I know I’m going to remember it every time I make it through another grueling church service or Sunday school lesson.” At press time, Ward noted that finishing the stations of the cross had strengthened his resolve to do whatever he could to avoid the eternal torpor of Hell.
Scotland Set To Become First Country To Provide Free Menstrual Products To All Women #~# The Scottish Parliament approved legislation Tuesday to provide free tampons and pads in public spaces, a move which activists and lawmakers say will promote gender equality and reduce the financial burden of purchasing period products, which are taxed as luxury goods in many countries. What do you think?
‘I’ll Show Those Pricks!’ Screams Mitt Romney Driving Busload Of Pregnant Women To Abortion Clinic After Being Disinvited To CPAC #~# SALT LAKE CITY—Following the formal public announcement that he was no longer invited to the annual Conservative Public Action Conference, Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) reportedly screamed, “I’ll show those pricks!” Thursday while driving a busload of pregnant women to an abortion clinic. “They called me liberal, I’ll show them liberal—did you hear that, ladies, we’re all getting abortions!” shouted Romney, who shifted the bus carrying 48 women into high gear before careening wildly into the clinic’s lot and parking the vehicle diagonally across multiple spaces. “Out, out, everybody out! Sheila, Jen, hush that crying. I don’t care what term you’re on, I’ve got a score to settle. Did you hear what those assholes did to me? Get whatever you want back there because everything’s on me!” At press time, Romney had driven the bus to a nearby obstretician’s office and was waving a fistful of cash in the waiting room, offering $5,000 to anyone who would get an abortion.
CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad #~# Hear why CBS studio executives are calling the decision to order up a full series of long-form ads from the Bloomberg campaign a “no-brainer.”
‘Whatavirus?’ Says Half-Naked Mike Pence Brushing Crumbs Off Stomach While Taking First Call From Trump In 18 Months #~# WASHINGTON—As he bolted upright on the couch where he lay beneath a pile of empty Fig Newton wrappers Thursday, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly took his first phone call from President Trump in 18 months, mumbling, “Whatavirus?” while he brushed crumbs off his bare stomach and chest. “No—I’m awake, I’m awake—was actually just in the middle of a big important meeting here,” Pence said as he frantically rummaged in the couch cushions for the remote to mute the 700 Club rerun blaring from the television in the den of his official residence at Number One Observatory Circle. “Corona what now? And it’s some kind of plague going around? You bet, Mr. President, I’d be happy to help. And this press conference at the White House—do I need to wear a suit? Ha, of course, of course. Just kidding. I’ll be there in—uh, shoot, I have a plate of pizza rolls in the microwave, but I tell you what, I’ll just take those to-go!” At press time, sources confirmed a disoriented Pence had been seen darting from room to room in search of a clean shirt before finally pulling a rumpled one from his hamper and sprinting out the door.
Maria Sharapova Retires From Tennis #~# Russian tennis star Maria Sharapova, 32, is retiring after a 19-year career that included five Grand Slam titles, a silver Olympic medal and four years ranked as the Women’s Tennis Association’s number-one player. What do you think?
‘I Like This Candidate Now And Will Vote For Him,’ Says Area Man After Having To Watch 12th Bloomberg Ad In Single Day #~# LEWISTON, ME—Announcing his newfound support for the former New York mayor, local Democratic voter Lucas Butterfield calmly stated, “I like this candidate now and will vote for him,” after seeing a Mike Bloomberg ad for the 12th time in a single day, sources confirmed Thursday. “The ninth ad didn’t really convince me, and I was on the fence for the 10th and 11th, but once I had seen my 12th commercial since waking up this morning, I suddenly realized Mike is the candidate for me,” said Butterfield, who explained that he had initially opposed the former Republican’s candidacy, but after the day’s encounter with a dozen print, TV, radio, billboard, and autoplaying digital ads, it now seemed obvious to him that Bloomberg was “the only man for the job.” “I like Mike. Mike is my candidate of choice. I will go to the polls and cast my ballot for Mike, and I will tell all my friends to vote for Mike too. I support Mike Bloomberg for president in 2020. Only Mike can get it done.” At press time, sources confirmed the man was speaking Bloomberg’s name over and over again with increasing urgency while he repeatedly walked into a wall.
Timberwolves Fire Clerk On Accounts Receivable Team In First Step Towards Turning Franchise Around #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that the franchise needed a complete overhaul if they wanted to compete, the Minnesota Timberwolves fired accounts receivable clerk Gary Nilson Thursday in the first big step towards turning the team around. “We want the fans to know we are serious about winning, and if we’re going to bring this team back to being a contender year after year, then it requires a total overall of the organization, which unfortunately starts with Gary,” said Timberwolves president Gersson Rosas, who thanked Nilson for his dedication but explained that accounts receivable clerk was part of the past and the team was committed to doing everything it could to build a winning culture. “We know people have been disappointed in the team’s performance, none more than us, which is why we need to clear salary space like this and bring in some big up-and-coming accounting talent. Whether it’s revamping the marketing department or even the custodial staff, this is going to be a complete franchise overhaul. If people are not carrying their weight, then they are going to lose their job.” At press time, Timberwolves GM Scott Layden had been given a $25 million extension for all his hard work.
Man Doesn’t Mind Long Commute Because It Gives Him Extra Time To Listen To Voice In Head Saying He Can’t Keep Living Like This #~# CONCORD, NH—Explaining that the 90-minute drive between his home and workplace had its advantages, area man Nicholas Wylie, 40, told reporters Tuesday that he doesn’t mind his long commute because it gives him extra time to listen to the voice in his head saying he can’t keep living like this. “When I tell people I drive down to Boston every day for work, they always ask how I manage spending so much time in the car, but it actually gives me a nice chunk of time every day where I can just sit in the car and listen to my internal anxieties telling me that I’m wasting hours every day that I’ll never get back,” said Wylie, a sales manager, adding that spending the last half-decade of his life in the car for at least three hours five days a week allowed him to catch up with tons of depressing existential inner monologues he might not have had time for otherwise. “Sometimes it’s annoying to get up early so I’m in the car by seven, but once I’m on the road I have a chance to listen to new concerns like what would my younger self say if he could see me now, or tune in to an old fear like needing to change how I live my life before it’s too late. It’s especially helpful if there’s a lot going on at work, since the commute is the only chance I’ll have all day to listen to myself wondering why I drive 70 miles to and from a job I fucking hate and that makes me miserable, and whether deciding to raise a family in a place so far from most available jobs was the stupidest decision of my life. Once I get cruising, the worries really start to flow.” Wylie added that while he considered taking an available bus to work, he drove because he enjoyed the freedom of being able to choose which of his darkest thoughts he would be trapped alone with for hours every day.
‘No, Stop, Please,’ Shouts Woman As Hands Uncontrollably Google All Of Boyfriend’s Exes #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Wrestling to regain control as she browsed image after image of attractive, successful young women, local girlfriend Kristen Ferguson, 28, repeatedly uttered the words “No, stop, please” Thursday as her hands uncontrollably Googled all of her boyfriend’s exes. “What’s happening, and why are you doing this to me?” Ferguson pleaded, as her hands, evidently compelled by impulses far beyond her control, typed “Megan Simmons Ohio State Conde Nast Publishing” into the search bar and opened the Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr, and LinkedIn of her current boyfriend’s attractive red-headed former girlfriend into multiple tabs. “No. No. No, please, please stop clicking—we’re already back to 2014, you monsters! Ben looks so happy—please, close this window. Is this from a photo booth? They’re...they’re so... cute together. No, not the bikini picture! I can’t take this. Wait, are you commenting? Why would you leave a comment? Does that say ‘bitch?’ Why would you do that? Oh, God, please, I beg you to stop.” At press time, Ferguson’s hands had turned their aggression to Ferguson herself, slapping her several times briskly across the face.
Candidates Struggle To Answer Question About Future Of Granite Countertops During HGTV Town Hall #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Clearly uncomfortable being asked to express their views on such a contentious issue, the 2020 Democratic presidential candidates struggled Wednesday to answer questions about the future of granite countertops during a series of HGTV town halls. “As president, what are you going to do to address the fact that wages are stagnating to the point where the vast majority of Americans can’t afford the granite countertops and backsplash tiles they desperately need to fix up their homes?” asked Jonathan Scott, who was moderating the HGTV town hall with his Property Brothers co-host Drew Scott, interrupting candidate Pete Buttigieg’s stammering response to note that a majority of voters doubted the former South Bend, IN mayor could effectively unify angry members of the nation’s polarized homeowners associations behind a common lawn care policy. “How do you plan to address the millions of Americans making do with laminate countertops, or who are forced to live in homes where there’s a lack of natural sunlight in the kitchen? Will you commit today to providing the support for all Americans to knock down a wall and open up the floor plan of their common areas? Many people out there are wondering whether their future will include a brick patio or detached deck, or whether they’ll ever even be able to live in a place that is perfect for entertaining. How do you respond?” At press time, Senator Amy Klobuchar was being booed by the HGTV town hall audience after she doubled down on controversial previous statements criticizing crown molding. 
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# MILWAUKEE—In the hours following a violent rampage in Wisconsin in which a lone attacker killed five individuals, including himself, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said South Dakota resident Jason Murphy, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
CDC Warns Of U.S. Coronavirus Outbreak #~# The Centers for Disease Control is warning Americans to prepare for potential coronavirus outbreaks across the country, urging people to take “social distancing measures” such as closing schools and staying home from work in order to avoid spreading the virus that has infected 80,000 people and caused 2,600 deaths worldwide. What do you think?
Greatest Video Game Weapons Of All Time #~# Iconic video games are often defined by their unforgettable weapons. Whether it’s the Leviathan Axe in God of War or Cloud’s Ultima Weapon in Final Fantasy VII, there’s something uniquely satisfying about getting your hands on a game’s definitive weapon and laying waste to enemies. Here, then, are the greatest video game weapons of all time.
CDC Warns Against Potential Health Risks Of Flavored Gun Barrels #~# It’s the hottest new trend among our nation’s teens, but could it be deadly?
Effects Of The #MeToo Movement #~# The conviction of film producer Harvey Weinstein for a criminal sex act and rape has brought the spotlight back to the #MeToo movement to hold powerful men accountable for their mistreatment of women. The Onion looks at the most significant effects of the #MeToo movement.
Iran’s Deputy Health Minister Announces He Has Coronavirus And Also Hemorrhoids But That’s A Separate Thing That He Will Deal With On His Own #~# TEHRAN—While addressing the recent spread of the disease in the Islamic Republic, Iran’s deputy health minister Iraj Harirchi announced at a press conference Wednesday that he has coronavirus and also hemorrhoids, but that’s a separate thing that he will deal with on his own. “I recently got tested and can officially confirm that I have been infected with Covid-19, also known as coronavirus, and, in addition to that, I have swollen and inflamed veins in my lower rectum, commonly known as hemorrhoids, although that’s a personal health issue that I will manage privately,” said Harirchi in an announcement on state television, adding that he would be isolating himself and making sure he undergoes proper treatment for the respiratory illness while also applying a topical ointment on his anus and eating high-fiber foods. “Everyone should make sure to exercise proper hygiene to prevent the outbreak from spreading any further, but don’t worry about my hemorrhoids spreading, since they’re not contagious or anything. So, yeah, just focus on the coronavirus thing, because that’s what’s really important. We believe the disease originated in Wuhan, China, and I am almost certain that my hemorrhoids most likely originated from my straining, because I’ve been on the toilet so much due to my IBS, although now that I think about it, you probably don’t need to be hearing about that so just forget it.” At press time, the press conference hit the 120 minute mark as Harirchi became distracted talking about a rash on his groin and his erectile dysfunction problems while trying to outline the government strategy for combating the virus. 
Actor Hank Azaria To Stop Voicing Apu On ‘The Simpsons’ #~# Hank Azaria, who has played dozens of Simpsons’ characters over the show’s 30-year history, announced that he will no longer voice Kwik-E-Mart owner Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, saying outcry from critics who feel the Indian immigrant is a bigoted stereotype opened his eyes to the issue. What do you think?
Sanders Supporter Sick Of Movement Being Defined By Small Number Of Toxic Members Like Him #~# DENVER, CO—Stressing that his angry rants and unhinged perceptions of the world in no way represented the Vermont senator’s broad coalition of supporters, 27-year-old Adam Patterson told reporters Wednesday that he was sick and tired of the Sanders movement being defined by a small number of toxic members like himself. “Honestly, I’m just fed up with the mainstream media taking a tiny sample of aggressive and borderline unhinged Bernie supporters like me and suggesting that we somehow represent the millions of completely normal Bernie voters out there,” said Patterson, stressing that the condescending way that he insisted anyone who slightly critiqued Sanders or his plans was a neoliberal shill, white supremacist, or supporter of war criminals did not at all reflect Sanders’ largely issues-oriented campaign. “Look, clearly I’m a lunatic who has lost all touch with reality or historical context. I mean, I’ve repeatedly argued I’d rather live in Venezuela under Nicolas Maduro than the totalitarian state of America. That’s crazy. And, frankly, I’m sure if Bernie saw me going online and telling women they were fucking corporatist bitches for supporting Warren, he would condemn it, because it distracts from his generally positive message. But I’m just one person. Should the media get to cast all Bernie supporters in a negative light just because of a few complete and utter assholes like me?” At press time, Patterson had decided that the best solution to the mischaracterization was to tell a female journalist who wrote about Bernie Sanders’ history of praising left-wing dictatorships to get ovarian cancer and die.
Trump Holds Diplomatic Ceremony To Formally Welcome Coronavirus To United States #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that he was looking forward to showing the influential global entity around the country, President Donald Trump held a diplomatic ceremony Wednesday to formally welcome the coronavirus to the United States. “This is a historic day for America, and I hope that the coronavirus will appreciate our efforts to give it a warm reception and work with us to build a thriving, mutually beneficial relationship,” said the president, announcing that Covid-19 would join him on the White House South Lawn for the presentation of an American flag accompanied by a military brass band, before a meeting with high-ranking administration officials and leaders from the business community in the Oval Office. “We have a full itinerary planned over the next few days in which will tour a variety of Washington cultural sites, newly built manufacturing facilities, and even the state-of-the-art Johns Hopkins Hospital, so the coronavirus can observe firsthand the best of American pride and ingenuity. We are excited to develop a stronger bond with such an influential force in the international community, and we hope that a strong partnership with the coronavirus could lead to further diplomatic relations with H1N1, SARS, and other prominent global viruses.” At press time, a Trump administration spokesperson announced a change to the diplomatic itinerary after the coronavirus had expressed an interest in touring the CDC director’s lungs.
Driver Enraged At Rider Who Threw Up In Ambulance #~# BOSTON—Rolling down his window to circulate fresh air through the interior of the emergency vehicle, ambulance driver John Hendricks became visibly enraged Wednesday when a patient he was transporting vomited without warning. “You have to be kidding me, dude, you can’t do that in here,” said Hendricks, sliding the collar of his shirt over his nose while recounting how he had just finished cleaning up after three other passengers that same day. “I knew this one was going to be trouble—pale, disoriented, extensive head trauma, that’s the puking type. I should’ve just left him there. It’s, like, have some respect, I’m trying to make a living, man. How would you like it if I came to your office with seeping cranial wounds and, like, barfed on your desk?” At press time, Hendricks was threatening to pull his ambulance over until his semiconscious passenger agreed to stop bleeding on everything.
Neurosurgeon Feels Lucky He Was Able To Turn Hobby Into Career #~# ROCHESTER, MN—Speaking with reporters about how lucky he feels to be pursuing his life’s passion full-time, local neurosurgeon Chris Monson said Wednesday he will always be grateful he found a way to turn his favorite hobby into a career. 
‘I’m Free, I’m Finally Free!’ Thinks Parent Before Realizing Lost Child Just Hiding Inside Clothes Rack #~# KENOSHA, WI—Exulting with joy as she kicked over an empty stroller, mother Michelle Groves, 34, was observed saying “I’m free, I’m finally free” to herself and several onlookers in Target Wednesday, moments before realizing her child was simply hiding inside a nearby clothing rack. “At last I’ve cast off my burden! The great weight is lifted!” said Groves in a burst of sudden elation, before going on to piece her life’s ambitions back together and calculate the money she and her husband were about to save. “Dave and I could go on a trip together! Maybe fall in love again! Or…Or I could leave him! Go back to school! My life is mine again! Mine! My living nightmare is over!” Eyewitnesses report the laughing, dancing Groves stopped dead in her tracks and began to weep silently when the sound of her daughter’s giggles came from the center of a circular rack of discount jeans.
Moderators Kick Off Debate By Asking Whether Bloomberg Ready To Get Shit Rocked Again #~# CHARLESTON, SC—As the televised event featuring the leading contenders for the Democratic Party presidential nomination got underway Tuesday evening, CBS moderators kicked off the debate by asking whether Michael Bloomberg was ready to get his shit rocked again. “Our first question is for Mayor Bloomberg: How will you respond to another two hours of the other nominees just completely wrecking your shit?” said CBS This Morning co-host Gayle King, citing the fact that the billionaire former New York City mayor had spent the debate six days earlier “getting absolutely bodied” and wondered whether he had a plan to prevent “a complete and total roasting” from happening again. “Mr. Bloomberg, do you believe that you prepared this time, and is it going to be enough? Because from where we’re sitting, you got ripped a new one last debate, and now you’re about to be hit from every side. Honestly, after seeing how easy it was last time, we wouldn’t be surprised if the other candidates are even better prepared to tear you apart. Tonight, the whole country is watching to see if you have any plan to avoid getting fucking hammered again. You ready?” Sources confirmed that fellow CBS moderator Norah O’Donnell then interjected and told Bloomberg that they would give him 30 seconds to run off the stage if he still wanted to save himself before it started.
Klobuchar Hoping To Distinguish Herself During Debate As Only Candidate Not Sucker Punched In Gut Moments Before Stepping On Stage #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Stressing that the contrast between herself and her rivals could not be starker, presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar told viewers at Tuesday night’s Democratic debate that she remained the only candidate who had not been sucker punched in the gut moments before stepping on stage. “Tonight, I’m asking voters to really think about the distinct choice they’re being offered between a heartland Democrat with a record of serious accomplishments and six other candidates who have spent this entire debate doubled over and collapsing in front of their podiums or wheezing for air,” said the Minnesota senator, pointing to her distinguished record of not getting absolutely clocked in the moments before a national television appearance before gesturing across the stage at a whimpering Bernie Sanders clutching his stomach as he rolled around in agony. “Ask yourself, if Elizabeth Warren wasn’t prepared to get slugged right in the breadbasket as she stepped into the spotlight, then do you really think she’ll be ready for the presidency? Now you’ve seen what my fists are capable of this evening, and if you’re ready for a different type of candidate—one who isn’t whimpering and begging for mercy—then I promise you a place with me.” At press time, Klobuchar had torn into Michael Bloomberg’s supposedly tough-on-crime record as the dry heaving former New York City mayor began to retch onto the debate floor.
Netflix Adds ‘Top 10’ List Featuring Most Popular Shows #~# Netflix is introducing a new feature to its homepage this week listing the top 10 most-viewed shows and movies within the user’s country, which the company says will provide subscribers with information on what other people are actually watching. What do you think?
Elena Kagan Worried She’s A Fraud After Being Only Female Justice Not Called Out By Trump #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing doubt over whether she deserved of all her accolades, Supreme Court Associate Justice Elena Kagan was reportedly worried Tuesday that she was a fraud after being the only female justice not called out by President Donald Trump for being biased against him. “Has my career meant nothing? I feel so invisible,” said Kagan, gazing at her reflection in a mirror and questioning what it was her fellow female justices have that she herself lacks. “I mean, I was solicitor general as well as dean of Harvard Law School and I thought that was impressive, but does that even really mean anything if the president isn’t calling on me to recuse myself from cases involving him? This man should hate me, yet he hasn’t said a word about me voting against his wealth test for immigrants, or any of my other rulings. Am I just a big phony?” At press time, Kagan was trying to comfort herself by considering that a mistaken Trump might think she was actually a Bush appointee.
Yosemite On Lockdown After Bear Spotted In Park #~# The National Park Service announced that Yosemite National Park will be closed indefinitely after startled witnesses reportedly spotted a bear on the grounds. A really big bear, too.
Idiotic Squirrel With Acorn Runs Away From Man As If He Doesn’t Get To Eat All The Nuts He Wants #~# EUCLID, OH—After digging up its meal from a patch of ground in Memorial Park on Tuesday, an idiotic squirrel with an acorn in its mouth reportedly ran away and tried to hide from local 48-year-old Edward Trotter, as if the man weren’t already able to eat as many nuts as he wants to. “Look, buddy, I’m not going to take away that sad little acorn you got there, not when I can get any kind of nuts I want, in any flavor or combination, at any time,” said Trotter, looking down at the dimwitted squirrel, who appeared unaware that the divorced father of three’s pantry was routinely stocked with varieties of nuts far more delicious than anything the small mammal would have encountered in the wild. “Have you ever tasted a pistachio? Or an almond? Not fucking likely, dipshit. If you had, you wouldn’t be running away—you’d be begging to know how it is I’m able to obtain 3-pound tubs of honey-roasted peanuts. I get them year-round, too. Hell, even a raw, unsalted peanut is miles beyond what you’ve got in your paws right now, and I wouldn’t try to steal one of those from you, either.” At press time, Trotter was seen laughing derisively at the squirrel as he walked down the sidewalk and deliberately stomped upon acorn after acorn, grinding them into the pavement with his heel.
Harvey Weinstein Found Guilty #~# Disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein, whose behavior ignited the #MeToo movement in 2017 after over 100 women came forward to accuse him of rape, sexual assault, and harassment, was found guilty of two felony sex crimes in New York, though his lawyers say they plan to appeal the decision. What do you think?
Reform ‘Fifty Shades’ Reader Doesn’t Think Christian And Ana Literally Indulged In Bladder Control Fetish, But Derives Meaning From Story Nonetheless #~# GASTONIA, NC—Saying the erotic romance novel had always been open to individual interpretation, reform Fifty Shades Of Grey reader Pamela Boyd divulged Tuesday that she does not think Christian and Ana literally indulged in bladder control fetish play, but that she derives meaning from the story nonetheless. “Just because I don’t believe Christian would actually command Ana to refrain from voiding her painfully full bladder as a component of their kink play doesn’t mean I can’t extract value from the text,” said Boyd, explaining that Ana’s submissive denial of her overwhelming urge to urinate at Christian’s demand was obviously a metaphor conveying important life lessons and was never meant to be taken at face value. “There’s a lot of material in Fifty Shades I don’t necessarily agree with, but you don’t have to buy into all of the sadomasochism wholesale. What’s timeless about the work is how a reader can find the bondage scenes that specifically speak to them and their circumstances and create their own meaning from those.” Boyd added that Fifty Shades is at its core a historical document that only makes sense in the context of the Twilight fan fiction from which the work was derived.
Nation’s Men Stunned To Realize Sexual Harassment Problem May Go As Far Back As 1990 #~# LOS ANGELES—Struggling to comprehend how such an obvious breach of interpersonal trust could be allowed to continue, men across the country were stunned Tuesday upon learning that the problem of sexual harassment may have been endemic in all aspects of society as far back as 1990. “I had not heard of it until recently, and therefore was almost certain this was a new thing, but as more allegations come to light, I’ve become aware that unwelcome sexual advances, unwanted physical contact, and inappropriate speech have been problems for at least two decades,” said marketing analyst Rick Owens, who claimed to be “appalled” that something so obviously in violation of the social contract could just materialize out of nowhere in the last decade of the 20th century. “It’s insane to think this ‘sexual harassment’ thing has managed to stick around for almost 30 years. I am aware there were a few incidents in 2017, and I figured that since obviously I wouldn’t have heard of every instance, it probably went as far back as 2014. But 1990? I’m a little embarrassed, I don’t mind telling you. Well, at least now that we know it’s going on. We can address it, so it should be pretty much over by the end of the year.” Owens added that he took some small comfort in the knowledge that his mother’s generation never had to deal with something like this.
So-Called ‘Flash Sale’ May Have Been Strategized Weeks In Advance #~# IRVINE, CA—Painstakingly assembling clues from a series of advertisements rolled out over the course of a month, budget-minded consumer Bruce Brown, 52, declared Tuesday that he had evidence proving a so-called “flash sale” at a local department store had, in fact, been strategized to several weeks in advance. “Contrary to what they would have us believe, there exists concrete evidence that the rush to provide us these savings is not as urgent as hyperactive television ads and newspaper circulars might imply,” said Brown, holding up two ads for a pair of jeans from the store, dated two weeks apart but both with a large red line through the same “regular” price. “Don’t get me wrong. This is still a great deal. But in the face of what we know now, it seems highly implausible that these are drastic and urgent sales. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest there is nothing spontaneous about these savings at all. You might even say this should be called a ‘highly premeditated and meticulously planned effort’ sale. So tell me—why the lies? Why?” Brown has also begun investigating a secondary claim made by the same store that “everything must go.”
Scientists Use Artificial Intelligence To Discover New Antibiotics #~# MIT scientists have developed a machine-learning computer algorithm to identify new and more powerful molecules capable of killing so-called superbugs or bacteria that is resistant to common antibiotics. What do you think?
Trump In India Hails Blossoming Relations Between The 2 Planets #~# AHMEDABAD, INDIA—Representing the United States during a diplomatic visit to India, President Donald Trump hailed the blossoming relations between the two planets during a rally Monday at the 110,000-seat Motera Stadium. “Although we may come from different worlds, and our civilizations are separated by millions of lightyears, the bonds we share are still incredibly powerful,” said Trump, who marveled aloud at the strange vegetation and peculiar culture of the foreign planet, remarking to aides that the inhabitants of India were “a lot like us,” despite their extraterrestrial origin. “When I landed here in my flying craft after a long journey at warp speed through multiple galaxies, your entire planet came out into the streets to welcome me as if I were a member of your own species. That’s something I’ll never forget. May our two countries continue to exist in interplanetary harmony, sending a message of peace to the rest of the universe.” Trump later complimented Indian prime minister Narendra Modi’s efforts to combat the intergalactic Muslim threat that puts their shared star system in danger.
Federal Government Reinstitutes Practice Of Spanking Criminals As Punishment #~# Human rights activists are up in arms after the DOJ announced it would be resuming federal punishments, making it legal to sentence the country’s most naughty felons to a good, hard spanking.
Embarrassed Heart Surgeon Admits He May Have Accidentally Left Sanders’ Medical Records In Candidate’s Chest #~# LAS VEGAS—Acknowledging the blunder following public pressure that his patient release the confidential documents, embarrassed heart surgeon Dr. Michael Sharrer admitted to reporters Monday that he may have accidentally left Bernie Sanders’ medical records in the candidate’s chest. “Honestly, I just set them down for a second, and before I knew it he was all closed up,” said Sharrer, who speculated that he must have misplaced the Vermont senator’s health records inside Sanders’ thoracic cavity while performing the stent procedure with the scalpel in one hand and the files in the other back in October. “It was a manila folder filled with all kinds of test results and charts. It probably got tucked behind the rib cage. I really should have been more careful considering that was our only copy. We could try an X-ray, but they might be difficult to read because they’re probably all bloody. Man, we should really switch to digital records.” At press time, Sanders’ critics were calling upon the presidential candidate to cut open his chest to release the records.
Trump Visits India #~# President Trump departed Sunday for a two-day visit to India, where he will take part in a rally with Prime Minister Narendra Modi, visit the Taj Mahal, and attend a state banquet in Delhi. What do you think?
Desperate CDC Director Walks Down Hall Of Imprisoned Diseases For One-On-One Talk With Avian Flu About Stopping Coronavirus #~# ATLANTA—In an attempt to stay one step ahead of the dangerous new outbreak, Centers for Disease Control Director Robert Redfield reportedly walked down the hallway of a secure facility that houses captive diseases Friday in order to consult with avian influenza about how to stop the deadly coronavirus. Striding past hardened infectious agents in a subterranean prison deep beneath CDC headquarters, the director appeared shaken as he endured the maniacal laughter of cholera and the blood-curdling screams of tuberculosis. The CDC director reportedly withstood a series of menacing taunts from diphtheria, which was heard whispering sardonically about how quickly it could replicate itself inside Redfield’s cells. According to reports, Redfield spoke through an intercom to address avian strain H5N1, which is kept in solitary confinement in a hermetically sealed room. In exchange for insight into how the new coronavirus might be planning to turn itself into a devastating worldwide pandemic, Redfield is believed to have offered the highly pathogenic flu accommodations in a larger, more comfortable vial, as well as special privileges that would allow it to spend part of the day in an open-air petri dish. At press time, sources confirmed the facility had entered full lockdown after a guard discovered avian flu had seduced and killed the CDC director in order to escape.
U.S. Unveils Plan For Rest Of World To Become Carbon-Neutral By 2030 #~# WASHINGTON—Touting the measure as the most ambitious effort ever to tackle climate change on a global level, the United States unveiled a plan Monday for the rest of the world to become carbon-neutral by 2030. “Climate change is a serious threat to American livelihoods, which is why we have taken the unprecedented step of announcing that every single other country besides the United States will reduce their carbon emissions to zero over the next 10 years,” said Secretary of State Mike Pompeo at a press conference unveiling the Washington Climate Agreement, which had 194 forced signatories representing every other country in the world. “As the world’s superpower, we know that it is incumbent on us to lead the way in the effort to fight global warming, and it’s why we will stop at nothing to ensure that every country besides America ends its dependence on fossil fuels. We commend our ambitious goals for other countries—France, for instance, is going carbon-neutral by 2022, and we’re especially gratified to see that China, under the terms of this agreement, will involuntarily offset all of America’s carbon emissions, which will be able to go up dramatically under this agreement. The Washington pact shows that if we Americans put our mind to it, there’s nothing we can’t compel other countries to do.” U.S. officials added that the plan would likely cause significant issues and economic hardship in emerging economies, but under the terms of the agreement, they didn’t care.
Smithsonian Museum Celebrates Black Alternate History Month With Full-Scale Recreation Of W.E.B. Du Bois’ War Zeppelin #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring the armored lighter-than-air sky fortress a testament to African American achievement across parallel realities, the Smithsonian Museum celebrated Black Alternate History Month Monday with a full-scale recreation of The B.S.S. Crisis, W.E.B. Du Bois’ war zeppelin. “Looking at this afro-futurist combat dirigible evokes images of W.E.B. Du Bois, resplendent in his cybernetic eye patch and brass-trimmed top hat, bending his formidable will and intellect to drop hundreds of tons of dynamite on segregationist camps from the helm of the Crisis,” said head researcher Lawrence Brumly, who unveiled the airship in its new home alongside several other artifacts including a walk-through interior model of the hoverbus which Robo Parks refused to ride atop; Sally Jefferson-Hemmings bloodstained, steam-powered battle dress; and the schematics of George Washington Carver’s peanut-based fission bomb, which allowed the United States of Black America to bring the Civil War to an end. “We are incredibly lucky to be able to display relics from the dream-realization chamber of Dr. MechaLuther King to the original manuscripts of Pope Malcolm X. And allowing visitors to interact with, for instance, the piano played by President Ray Charles on The Arsenio Hall Show really allows them to have a sense of the rich alternate history of black Americans.” In the next year, the Smithsonian has planned exhibits allowing museum visitors to experience firsthand the difference advanced African American technology has made in this country since arriving in the portal from Mars.
Pathetic: This Gamer Who Got Shot 3 Times Went To A Hospital Instead Of Just Crouching Behind Cover For 10 Seconds #~# Brace yourself, OGN readers, because we have some truly pathetic news about a man who has the gall to call himself a gamer! According to police reports, Denver, CO resident and self-described gaming enthusiast Mitch Rudolph risked his life by going all the way to St. Joseph Hospital after getting shot three times instead of simply ducking behind cover for a few seconds and returning to full health.
Concerned Baby Starting To Worry Lethargic, Distant Mom Not Suffering From Postpartum Depression At All #~# SAN CARLOS, CA—Growing gradually more concerned that this was just his mother’s normal state, local infant Lucas Garrison reportedly had started to worry Monday that his lethargic, distant mom wasn’t suffering from postpartum depression at all. “Huh, that’s weird—I thought for sure that all the mood swings, insomnia, and crying would go away, but I guess this is somehow her actual personality,” said the nervous 6-month-old, adding that while he was relieved his mother wasn’t suffering from a debilitating mental illness, he was less thrilled to learn the distant look in her eyes and total inability to bond with him would actually be permanent. “At first, I told myself, okay, these baby blues will go away in no time. But six months later, I can confidently say that there’s no treatment for this at all—she just hates me, herself, and everyone around her.” At press time, Garrison’s mother told reporters she was growing more and more concerned that her crying, screaming child wasn’t just doing that because he was an infant.
Forever 21 Bought Following Bankruptcy #~# Fast-fashion retailer Forever 21, which filed for bankruptcy in 2019 following declining sales, has been purchased by Authentic Brands, with plans to keep nearly 500 stores open nationwide and add new lines of accessories. What do you think?
Trump Administration Rolls Back Hunting Regulations Forbidding Use Of Chokeholds, Eye Gouging On Birds #~# WASHINGTON—In a legal measure that will greatly expand the options available to American sportsmen, the Trump administration announced Thursday that it would repeal legacy regulations forbidding the use of controversial chokeholds and eye-gouging when hunting game birds. “Although animal rights activists have long decried placing grouse in sleeper holds, piledriving pheasants, and headbutting doves, we recognize that these inarguably effective moves have a long tradition among wingshooters,” said President Donald Trump in a press conference, adding that no less a man than Theodore Roosevelt had thought nothing of roundhouse kicking a brace of ducks for his dinner. “They call the move the ‘Crossface Chicken Wing’ for a reason. Furthermore, banning the use of the common folding chair as an implement for slamming birds across the head is a holdover from the days of ignorant environmentalists who don’t respect traditional hunting. True woodsmen know that respecting nature often means wrapping barbed wire around your fist to pummel a Canada goose or digging your thumbs into the eyes of a woodcock, and that there isn’t a hunter alive who wouldn’t curb stomp a wild turkey.” President Trump then posed for photographs while repeatedly smashing a quail beak-first into one of the White House’s marble columns.
Pete Alonso Asks Teammates Whether They’d All Rather Sign Up For Volleyball This Year #~# NEW YORK—Citing the group’s general lack of enthusiasm about the idea of playing another season of baseball, New York Mets first baseman Pete Alonso reportedly asked his teammates Friday whether they’d all rather sign up for volleyball this year. “We’ve been doing the baseball thing for a while now, but everyone gets so bored by the end, and besides, we’re not even that good at it, so I think we should switch it up and play volleyball instead,” said Alonso, adding that it would be way less of a time commitment to play volleyball one night a week in an intermediate rec league at Brooklyn Bridge Park for a couple months instead of 182 games of baseball for which they had to travel all over the country. “Volleyball seems way more fun than baseball. You get to switch positions and also move around a lot, which is probably a better workout. Plus, I bet some of the taller guys like [Jacob] deGrom and [Dellin] Betances could probably spike the ball over the net. I think we can be honest with ourselves by now that we’re never really going to get anywhere with this baseball thing, and it sucks to just keep losing to teams that are way better than us, so let’s just sign up for something where we can actually have fun.” At press time, the Mets clubhouse had devolved into a heated argument after Juan Lagares said that volleyball sounded even worse than baseball and suggested just going bowling instead.
Anti-Cyberbullying Campaign Encourages Kids To Get Out There And Do It In Person #~# It’s the latest attempt to cut down on online abuse among middle and high schoolers. But will it work?
Roger Stone Sentenced To Over 3 Years In Prison #~# President Trump’s former campaign advisor and longtime friend Roger Stone was sentenced to 40 months in prison for lying to Congress and obstructing the investigation into Russiain meddling during the 2016 election. What do you think?
Experts Concerned Pale Russian Mystic Constantly At Trump’s Side May Attempt To Influence 2020 Election #~# WASHINGTON—Increasingly troubled about the role the self-proclaimed visionary and healer might play in the presidential race, intelligence experts expressed concerns Friday that Volokov Molchalin, the pale Russian mystic constantly at President Donald Trump’s side, may attempt to influence the 2020 election. “While we’re unsure exactly what Volokov is whispering into Trump’s ear—or if it’s a known language at all—it’s the consensus of the intelligence community that he likely intends to meddle in the upcoming election, perhaps by using his self-professed hypnotic powers to sway the American public,” said National Intelligence Director Joseph Maguire, noting that the long-bearded Eastern Orthodox prophet had enjoyed unprecedented access to the Oval Office since laying his hands on the president’s thigh in early June and allegedly curing him of an internal hemorrhage. “What’s more unsettling is that Volokov has only grown more brazen in his attempts to alter the president’s behavior, encouraging Trump to purify himself by self-flagellating, filling the West Wing with frankincense, or repeating occult incantations until his eyes roll back in a mystical trance. We’ve also received reports that Volokov can read minds, which would obviously make any counterintelligence efforts difficult, if not impossible.” At press time, terrified officials had escalated their warnings after a failed assassination attempt in which repeated stabbings, a gunshot wound to the head, and an apparent drowning in the freezing Potomac River failed to end the Russian mystic’s life.
GM Ups Ante In SUV Race With New 14-Seat, 11-Door, 7-Wheel, 4-Trunk Chevy Teton #~# DETROIT—In an effort to maintain their lead in the increasingly competitive heavy-duty sport utility vehicle market, General Motors unveiled Friday their new 14-seat, 11-door, 7-wheel, 4-trunk Chevrolet Teton. “Americans have come to expect more truckness from their SUVs, so we’re happy to deliver the first vehicle in its class with ninth-row seating and concentric nesting steering wheels,” said CEO Mary T. Barra, adding that efficiency-minded electric-powertrain innovators in the personal truck segment, such as Tesla and Rivian, had inspired General Motors to double down on their own traditional strengths and equip the Teton with 20-gallon cup holders and 18 subwoofers per seat as standard. “We spared no expense with this triple-axle quadruple-crossover. No truck outside of the former Soviet military has more storage space, not to mention optional heated headliners and in-trunk seating. Whether it’s the patent-leather cover on the new septurbo ‘TriTip’ 16-cylinder engine or the optional glass-bottomed interior, the Teton has something for everyone—even potential owners our marketing department only suspects may even exist.” Barra concluded the press conference by noting that the Teton would be the first SUV available with optional chrome wheels larger than the body of the vehicle itself.
Pros And Cons Of Banning Peanuts In Schools #~# More schools across the U.S. are banning peanuts in response to a rise in children with peanut allergies, while critics say that prohibiting them entirely goes too far. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning peanuts in schools.
Disappointing: ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Has Received An M Rating Solely For A Scene Where Ellie Meets A Dog That Swears And Smokes Cigarettes #~# Well, this is going to turn some gamers off. Naughty Dog’s recent games have long been known for their brutal depiction of violence and thought-provoking exploration of adult themes. But according to new information on The Last of Us Part II’s official website, the ESRB has given the upcoming title an M rating solely for a scene in which Ellie meets a fast-talking dog who continually swears and smokes cigarettes.
Passengers Aboard Coronavirus Cruise Ship Refusing To Leave After Forming Unlikely Friendships With Each Other That Transcend Nations, Languages #~# YOKOHAMA, JAPAN—Linking arms together and digging their feet heels triumphantly into the ground, hundreds of passengers aboard a coronavirus-infected cruise ship refused to leave Friday after forming unlikely friendships with each other that transcended their nationalities and languages. “When we first set out on this journey, we were nothing but strangers, but now, after spending over two weeks together, I am proud to call myself a member of the Diamond Princess family,” said American passenger Jeremy Haab to a crowd of stunned, hazmat-clad officials on shore, repeating the same phrase in several languages including Japanese, Korean, Mandarin, Farsi, and Dutch. “Although you may try to remove us and send us to our respective homes, know that the unbreakable bond we now share can never be shattered. Whether you are a 3-year-old boy from Australia or an 81-year-old woman from Hong Kong, you are all my brothers and sisters. So rise up, my family! This ship is ours!” At press time, Haab could be seen donning a captain’s uniform, ordering his fellow passengers to “break free from the shackles of society” and steer their boat out into the open seas.
Coral Reefs Could Disappear Within Next 80 Years #~# Researchers at the University of Hawaii predict that 90% of the world’s coral reefs could die in the next 20 years and that reefs could disappear entirely by 2100 as climate change increases ocean temperatures. What do you think?
God In Critical Condition #~# The Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, was rushed into emergency surgery after accidentally shooting Himself while cleaning His gun. Hear what doctors have to say about His chances of recovery.
Bloomberg Housekeepers Brace For Another Day Of Dressing Up Like DNC Candidates And Letting Boss Beat Them In Debate #~# NEW YORK—Standing behind podiums scattered around the living room, Mike Bloomberg’s housekeepers braced for another day of dressing up like DNC candidates and letting their boss beat them in a debate, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’m supposed to be polishing the silver today, but instead I have to wear a stupid white wig and let Mr. Bloomberg attack the feasibility of my Medicare-for-all plan,” said maid Flora Bishop, who feared the 15-person housekeeping staff would be unable to complete their daily cleaning tasks as their boss forced them to restart the debate yet again after fumbling a question about prison reform. “We basically just stand around and let him tear our policies apart until he feels like he’s won. Usually, I’ll just say something about how all my ideas are bad compared to his so I can get back to the laundry. I feel terrible for the landscaper who played Buttigieg last time. Mr. Bloomberg fired him after he made a really good point about trying to buy the election.” At press time, the housekeepers were frantically motioning for the chauffeur, who was acting as moderator, to stop pressing their boss on stop-and-frisk policing tactics.
Recently Concussed Americans March On Washington D.C. Demanding The Right To Sleep #~# WASHINGTON—Meandering through the National Mall as they forgot where they were headed, thousands of recently concussed Americans marched on Washington D.C. Thursday demanding the right to sleep. “Every citizen deserves to go night-night for just a few minutes without being shaken awake by those who would insist we keep our eyes open,” said Vernon Wheeler, one of nearly 10,000 dizzy, vomiting protestors who say they’ve been treated unfairly since suffering severe head trauma. “It’s time for people to stop holding up three fingers in front of our faces and insisting they’re actually holding up one. If we want to stare at bright lights or lay down in the street for a quick nap or touch the blood coming out of our ears, that’s our right as Americans. It’s nobody’s business but our own if we know where we are or who the current president is.” At press time, D.C. police were dispatched to break up the march after hundreds of recently concussed protestors tumbled down the stairs of the Lincoln Memorial.
Biden Begging Donors To Stop Sending Money So He Can Quit Race #~# WASHINGTON—Imploring his supporters to relieve him of his obligations on the campaign trail, former vice president and current presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly begged his donors Thursday to stop sending him money so he could quit the presidential race. “Look, folks, we are at an important crossroads in our bid for the nomination, and I’m asking you from the bottom of my heart to please, please stop giving to my campaign so I can just end it already,” Biden wrote in an email sent to every individual, corporation, and political action committee that has contributed to his campaign, adding that with their generous help, they could help put him out of his misery at this “crucial juncture” right before the Nevada caucus. “I’m going to be honest with you. We’re being outpaced in fundraising by the other campaigns, and that is great, because I am very, very tired and ready to admit defeat; so please, whether you have $1 or $100 to spare, don’t send either. I know I can count on you to support me as I head back into retirement and try to pretend none of this ever happened.” At press time, sources confirmed Biden began openly weeping when he received a $4 million surge in donations.
George Zimmerman Sues Buttigieg, Warren #~# George Zimmerman, whose acquittal for shooting and killing Trayvon Martin sparked national debate, is suing Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren for defamation, claiming their tributes to Martin were attempts to “garner votes in the black community.” What do you think?
Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate #~# LAS VEGAS—In a powerful testament to the role television advertising still plays in driving national polls, increased airtime of commercials for tobacco cessation aid Chantix led to celebrity spokesperson Ray Liotta qualifying for Wednesday night’s Democratic Debate. “Chantix has made some especially aggressive ad purchases in recent months that helped spread the word about Ray Liotta and his struggle to find a stop-smoking aid that works for him,” said polling expert Kevin Michaels, stressing that the extensive television ad campaign familiarized Americans with Liotta as a “father, actor, and ex-smoker” and directly led to the polling surge that secured his place on the debate stage. “What these ads have done for key sections of the electorate is not only boost awareness of Liotta, but also expose voters to his difficulties to quit cold turkey before eventually finding a way to overcome his urge to smoke with Chantix. It’s a message of hope that’s clearly resonating with voters.” At press time, experts suggested the strategy may have backfired after Amy Klobuchar hammered Liotta for pushing a product that can cause changes in behavior, depressed mood, and nausea.
‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’ Says Bloomberg To Standing Ovation During DNC Debate #~# LAS VEGAS—In a demonstration of the high level of enthusiasm the former New York City mayor enjoys among the electorate, surging presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg was met with a standing ovation during the Democratic debate Wednesday as he promised to “rule you peasants with an iron fist.” “Kneel before me and tremble, you piteous wretches, for I am your new sovereign ruler and my will is infallible,” said Bloomberg, cutting into his rivals’ speaking time as his pledge to “vanquish my enemies and reward my supplicants” was met with thunderous applause by thousands of assembled audience members. “You peons, you mean as little to me as a clump of dirt to a mighty mountain, and I’ll step on the necks of every last one of you on my quest for greater and greater power. Gaze upon your new God and fear my capricious wrath.” At press time, the audience had broken out into chants of “Bloomberg! Bloomberg!” as armed guards emerged from the exits to indiscriminately beat them with batons.
Panicking Aides Finally Locate Biden At Wrong Venue Following Cirque Du Soleil Performers Onstage #~# LAS VEGAS—After frantically searching for the former vice president in the hours leading up to Wednesday night’s debate, panicked campaign aides reportedly located Joe Biden at Las Vegas’ Treasure Island Hotel, where the candidate appeared to have followed a Cirque du Soleil troupe onstage. “There he is, up there—those circus clowns are tossing him back and forth,” said visibly relieved senior adviser Anita Dunn, waving her arms at the seven-term former U.S. senator, who was attempting to make an impassioned speech about his legislative record despite being severely entangled in aerial silks and dangling 50 feet in the air. “Even if we got him down from there right now, we still wouldn’t make it to the debate venue on time, and he does seem to be shouting his most important talking points at the guys playing those big Japanese drums and the two musclemen flying around on bungees. To be honest, I haven’t seen him looking this coherent in a long time. Why don’t we just let the vice president have a nice night for once?” At press time, Biden was overheard berating a unicycle rider he “didn’t like the looks of” from the confines of a large, whimsical birdcage.
Trump Pardons Rod Blagojevich #~# President Trump commuted the 14-year prison sentence of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who has been in federal prison since 2012 after he was convicted of attempting to sell Barack Obama’s empty Senate seat. What do you think?
Adobe Photoshop Turns 30 #~# February 19 marks 30 years since the release of Adobe Photoshop, a photo-editing software that’s since become synonymous with digital photo manipulation. The Onion looks back at key moments in the history of Photoshop on its 30-year anniversary.
Australian Officials Touting Bushfire As Huge Success #~# Parliament officials in Canberra are celebrating today, touting the success of their new wildfire introduction program that is designed to control the country’s pestering koala population.
Boy Scouts File For Bankruptcy #~# The Boy Scouts of America filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Tuesday, a move the organization says is necessary in the face over 300 lawsuits, but which critics say is an attempt to escape its financial obligations to sexual abuse victims. What do you think?
‘I Love My Wife Marcia And 2 Beautiful Kids, Tad And Hayden,’ Says Buttigieg In Latest Campaign Shift #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Quipping that if elected, he would be a father first and president second, Democratic candidate Pete Buttigieg told reporters Wednesday that he loved his “wife Marcia and two beautiful kids, Tad and Hayden” in his latest campaign shift. “First, I’d like to thank my incredible rock of 15 years, Marcia, and boys, why don’t you come on up to the stage and give your pops a hug?” said the former mayor of South Bend, beckoning to his newly revamped campaign staff and inviting up a tall, slender woman with two suit-clad young boys who immediately sprinted over Buttigieg yelling “Daddy, Daddy.” “This beautiful, intelligent woman right here—she got me through law school, she got me through my mayoral races, and she’s going to get us to the White House. And Tad and Hayden, thank you for coming here today. But you better get going—Daddy knows you have homework to do!” At press time, Buttigieg grabbed his wife and gave her a long kiss on the lips before shrugging and telling the crowd, “Happy wife, happy life!”
New CIA Torture Program Concert Series Brings Metallica Into Black Sites To Play 72-Hour Sets #~# WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a once-in-a-lifetime, up-close-and-personal enhanced interrogation experience, the CIA rolled out a new torture program concert series Wednesday that brings Metallica into black sites to play 72-hour sets. “After months of hard work, we are so proud to debut our new ‘Dissociation’ tour, which will take Metallica all over the globe, from Guantanamo Bay in Cuba, to Detention Site Green in Thailand, to the Dark prison in Kabul,” said CIA spokesperson Jenna Wellington adding that the concerts, which would feature live performances from James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, Kirk Hammett, and Robert Trujillo, included custom, carefully constructed, repetitive set lists designed to inflict maximum psychological damage. “To kick things off, Metallica will play a private set for a group of terrorists accused of orchestrating an attack on an American airbase, and it will feature ‘Invisible Kid’ played 12,000 times in a row at a blaring 120 decibels. Also, the prisoners will be blindfolded and strapped upside down to a board, which will only make the band singing directly into their ears more intimate.” At press time, Wellington confirmed the program’s debut had been a success, and that inmates cracked before Hetfield was even done yelling “Guantanamo, how’s everyone doing tonight?”
Thousands Of PETA Activists Descend On Hoover Headquarters To Protest Vacuum Cleaner That Spooked Dog #~# GLENWILLOW, OH—In what is believed to be the largest anti-animal-cruelty rally targeting a household appliance maker, thousands of angry PETA activists descended on Hoover headquarters Wednesday to protest a model of vacuum cleaner that reportedly spooked a dog. “Animal lives are equal to human lives, and a vacuum startling any dog—particularly such a good boy as Ruffles—is nothing short of terrorism,” said protest organizer Rebecca Watts, who brandished a dust-filled vacuum bag she intended to pour on an unwitting Hoover executive. “Ruffles was underneath the kitchen table for several hours while the Hoover corporation said nothing. And that is nothing new—hundreds of dogs are spooked by vacuums on a daily basis, and society refuses to offer so much as a ‘there, there.’ Some repulsive pet owners even go so far as to post videos of their dogs getting spooked by vacuums as if life-threatening trauma is funny. Would you find a video of a toddler being waterboarded funny? The manufacturers responsible for this sonic excruciation machine should be thrown in jail.” Neither Hoover executives nor Ruffles the dog could be reached for comment.
Number Of Homeless Students On The Rise #~# A report from the National Center for Homeless Education found that 1.5 million public school students nationwide experienced homelessness at some point during the 2017-2018 school year, more than double the number reported in 2004. What do you think?
Pope Francis: ‘Nobody Out-Molests The Catholic Church’ #~# A major announcement in Vatican City as Pope Francis insists that Catholic priests around the world are not about to be out-molested by some goddamned Boy Scouts.
Best Cities For Millennials #~# Median Income: 3.5 credit hoursIdealistic Hopes And Dreams Crushed Per Day: 1.4 millionCost Of Living Like Friends Back Home: $2.5 million a yearNumber Of Old Bags In Rent-Controlled Apartments Who Need To Just Die Already: 11,078Rockettes Per Capita: 0.000019Number Of Residents Under 30 Living In Dream Brownstone Apartment In Greenwich Village After Making It In The Big City: 0
Report: Average Life Expectancy Increases To 18.2 Years For Americans Who Go Out Like Fucking Legends #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the data encouraging for all groups of U.S. badasses, a new CDC report published Tuesday found that the average life expectancy for Americans who go out like fucking legends has increased to 18.2 years. “Our data revealed that total gods who shotgun a beer before doing a backflip off their buddy’s rooftop are now, on average, living 0.3 years longer than past generations,” said lead researcher Nancy Remis, explaining that regardless of race, gender, or geographic location, more absolute kings who go out in a blaze of glory while drunkenly attempting to clear a rocky gulch on a motorcycle are often living 14 weeks longer than previous hardcore motherfuckers. “The total fucking legends who are saying adios to this world after going 130 mph while drag racing in their dad’s Acura on a slick country road are surviving just past their 18th birthday, thanks to improved medical care and faster resuscitation attempts. This is an excellent sign for all the heroes out there planning on surfing during a hurricane or playing chicken with a high-speed train.” The report also revealed the average life expectancy of boring-ass losers, who just do what they told, remained steady at 78.6 years.
1,100 Former DOJ Officials Urge Barr To Resign #~# More than 1,100 former federal prosecutors and Department of Justice officials have signed a letter calling on Attorney General William Barr to resign after Barr intervened to reduce the prison sentence recommendation for Trump ally Roger Stone. What do you think?
Boy Scouts Leadership Confident Organization Can Overcome Stigma Of Bankruptcy #~# IRVING, TX—Stressing that the century-old youth organization wasn’t going anywhere despite its recent Chapter 11 filing, Boy Scouts of America CEO Roger Mosby told reporters Tuesday he was confident the group could overcome the devastating stigma of bankruptcy. “On behalf of the BSA’s leadership, I wish to assure our scouting families I will not let the unfortunate choices of a few individuals tarnish the good name of this institution by forever associating it with an inability to meet our most basic financial obligations,” said Mosby, adding that so long as he was in charge, the Boy Scouts would fight to regain the public’s trust and show it would never again fall victim to predatory lenders. “To all our members affected by the unspeakable tragedy of this debt restructuring, I apologize. But I promise you this court filing will not erase the Boy Scouts’ proud legacy of solvency.” Mosby also announced a new initiative designed to educate both Scouts and Scout leaders about how to report anyone they think might be engaging in questionable lending behaviors with the organization.
Shocking Lore: Nintendo Says Mario Always Talks About Being Italian Even Though He’s Only A Quarter And His Last Name Is Walsh #~# Hold on to your hats, OGN readers, because you are not going to believe this! Nintendo fans are reeling after Kenta Motokura just dropped a huge piece of lore about the Mario universe: It turns out that even though Mario talks about being Italian all the time, he’s actually only one-quarter Sicilian and his last name is Walsh.
Armed Teacher Rehearses Shooting Wall, Gunman, 3 Students During Active Shooter Drill #~# CHANCELLOR, SD—Walking carefully through each step so she would be prepared to act under pressure, armed teacher Melissa Wade rehearsed shooting the wall, a gunman, and three students Tuesday as part of an active shooter drill. “It’s sad our students have to live with the reality of school shootings, but I feel safer knowing that should the worst happen, I’ll be able to spray bullets into classroom and, fingers crossed, kill the right kid,” said Wade, as she aimed an unloaded firearm at various targets around the room as well as her students silently huddled in the corner farthest from the door. “I’m worried I’ll freeze up in the heat of the moment and forget to gun down anyone who runs past my doorway, but that’s where the training kicks in. First, I pull the gun from my desk, then I wave it around a bunch to keep everyone calm. Then I shoot out all the windows, blow a hole through my own hand, fire into the crowd of evacuating students, then drop the gun and run for my life once the chamber’s empty. And if all goes according to plan, at least one of the victims bleeding out on the linoleum when the police arrive is the gunman.” At press time, the active shooter drill concluded with the school security guard demonstrating how he will run up to the front door, suddenly retreat, dive into his car, and drive away.
Overwhelmed Archaeologists Struggling To Keep Pace With Glut Of Early Humans Thawed Out By Climate Change #~# OXFORD, ENGLAND—Noting that the steady rise in global temperatures was beginning to have a significant impact on their work, anthropologists at Oxford University told reporters Tuesday that they were struggling to keep up with the abundance of early human remains being thawed out due to climate change. “It seems like every other day a hunter in North Canada or some unsuspecting hikers in Siberia are stumbling across the perfectly preserved remains of a 2,000-year-old human ancestor emerging from melting glaciers or receding permafrost; we can barely keep up,” said lead researcher Adam Daly, adding that as climate change has become more severe, his team has had to take drastic measures to fast-track some of their processes, such as performing CT scans on more than one mummified carcass at once and skipping hair analysis altogether. “We don’t even get excited anymore about anything potentially groundbreaking because it just means more work for us. Any satchels of prehistoric tools are just thrown into a drawer now; we have something like a hundred ancient hammerstones we’re never going to get around to analyzing. We even stopped giving the earliest human ancestors we find names. What’s the point?” At press time, Daly added that his only hope for clearing some space was to pawn off as many skeletons as he could onto the British Museum.
Tyson Foods Orders Trump To Cease And Desist #~# The Trump campaign received a cease-and-desist letter this morning from Tyson Foods demanding that the president stop playing their slaughterhouse recordings at his rallies. 
Waiter Asks If Couple Would Like To Pack Him Up In Little Box And Take Him Home For Later #~# OMAHA, NE—Emphasizing that it was no problem at all and that he’d be happy to grab a to-go container, a couple at the Midtown Bar & Grille told reporters Monday that their waiter Aaron Sadelaer asked them if they’d like to pack him up in a little box and take him home for later. “Just give me two minutes, I’ll get you the check, and then I’ll get yours truly, a.k.a. the Aaron Special, all wrapped up for you in no time,” said the 27-year-old as he beckoned to himself, adding that while he was best enjoyed hot and fresh out of the kitchen, he’d also be just as good as either a midnight snack or a guilty treat the next day. “No, no, please! You two have barely touched me. Look, I know I come in a big portion size, but it would be such a shame if someone let something as delicious as the head waiter of Midtown Bar & Grille go to waste. Seriously, I’ll even throw in a little extra marinara that you can dip me in tomorrow—my treat! Now, who wants dessert?” At press time, Sadelaer was reportedly panicking after the couple had opted to pack him up and take him from the restaurant, only to accidentally leave him in their car overnight.
Experts Recommend Tuning Them Out And Just Trying To Enjoy Your Life #~# BALTIMORE—Citing several in-depth studies that would likely make you second-guess the only gratifying and pleasurable parts of your existence, researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that the only recommendation they’re making at this time is that you tune out experts such as themselves and just try to enjoy your life. “Look, as experts in our various fields, we absolutely mean well, but it seems like every week now we’re conducting extensive research on what you should and shouldn’t be eating, how much you should be exercising, how much screen time is detrimental to you, whether you’re having enough of the right kind of sex, how much you should be worrying about work versus your quality of life, when to forgive family members who have wronged you, even how much you should or shouldn’t sleep—anyway, the point is that the best thing for you right now is probably just to stop listening to us at all and just do what makes you feel good,” said Adrienne Sanchez, lead research scientist on several projects you’re definitely better off not knowing about. “One week we tell you to eat as many eggs as you can, the next we tell you eggs are killing you, the week after that it’s the yolks—we get it, it’s exhausting. Even now, I was coming out here to share some supposed ‘breakthrough’ in modern wellness, but honestly, what you most need to hear is that you’re going to die someday no matter what, so maybe just take good basic care and try to have a nice time while you’re still here.” Sanchez noted that experts would gladly make any and all new study results available in case anyone is interested but recommended the best course of action would be to try and not concern yourself with them, honestly.
Parenting Experts Reveal Forcing Child To Shoot Dying Pet Only Teaches Lesson About Mortality For First 5 Or So Times #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Shedding new light on what has long been an article of faith in many American households, early education researchers at Vanderbilt University announced new findings Monday which indicate that forcing a child to shoot a dying pet will only teach them an important lesson about mortality the first five or so times they do it. “Despite the long-held belief that some important life lessons are best taught by having your child place the muzzle of a firearm between the soft and pleading eyes of a beloved puppy or kitten and pulling the trigger, intensive research unequivocally demonstrates that children do not experience emotional growth after shooting their fourth or fifth animal, and the repeated slaughter of beloved pets may actually begin to have an effect opposite from that intended,” said lead researcher Margaret Franklin, adding that the results were the same whether the animal being shot was a beagle, Scottish Fold kitten, guinea pig, or even an iguana. “We tested this extensively, with one group of children shotgunning over 40 animals from as many as 12 species, and in each case, we began to see diminishing returns, some as early as pet number three. After that point, rather than learning a healthy respect for death, children become numb to it, in many cases even begin actively seeking the power associated with it.” At this point in the study, Franklin could neither confirm nor deny that substituting of the children’s aging grandparents might be more effective.
Pope Francis Attempts To Compromise On Rule-Change Proposals By Allowing Priests To Marry Him #~# VATICAN CITY—In an effort to find middle ground between liberal factions hoping to modernize the church and conservative forces seeking to preserve orthodoxy, Pope Francis issued a new decree Friday that will permanently change Roman Catholic doctrine by permitting all priests to marry him. “While we respect the vow of celibacy as a sacred choice, we hope to bring more men into the priesthood by giving them the option to participate in married life with His Holiness,” said Vatican spokesman Andrea Tornielli, clarifying that the offer of marriage would be extended to anyone actively considering a priestly vocation and willing to enroll in a seminary as soon as possible. “It has become increasingly difficult to ordain enough men for the church to function, and while we don’t want to break with a thousand years of canon law by allowing priests to marry women, we believe many will be attracted to the clerical life if they know they will still have the opportunity to join together with the Supreme Pontiff in the sacrament of holy matrimony. In fact, our internal studies show that, in recent generations, many young Catholic men have decided against becoming priests because they knew it meant they would never be able to marry the pope.” At press time, a visibly beleaguered Pope Francis quickly announced another doctrinal change that, for the first time in church history, would allow members of the Catholic faith to get divorced.
Hope Hicks Returns To White House #~# Two years after resigning her position as White House communications director amidst Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, Hope Hicks is rejoining the Trump administration as a senior advisor. What do you think?
Love Sounds With Martha Saunders: How I Learned To Love Valentine’s Day After A Nude Man In A Diaper Killed My Father With A Bow And Arrow #~# On a special Valentine’s Day edition of The Topical, join the host of OPR’s Love Sounds, Martha Saunders, as she explores questions about sex, love, and a lot of other topics you would probably prefer to keep private.
Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign Pitch #~# NEW YORK—Citing polling data that suggested the former mayor was tracking poorly among 18- to 25-year-old African Americans, Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign hired thousands of canvassers Friday to stop black men on the street and force them to hear his campaign pitch. “We want to make sure black voters can’t walk down the street without hearing Mike’s message loud and clear,” said campaign spokesperson Julie Wood, clarifying that canvassers have received training on the proper tactics for stopping black men and throwing them onto the ground while delivering Bloomberg’s talking points. “We’ve also instructed our canvassers to confiscate any materials supporting other candidates. In some cases, we might actually take some men into custody and bring them back to campaign headquarters. This is a massive undertaking that will run well beyond Super Tuesday. We’ve already set up Bloomberg-branded vans in black neighborhoods across the country to spread our message. It’ll all be worth it once these young black men hear what Bloomberg has to say about funding social security while they’re pressed up against a brick wall with an elbow digging into their backs.” At press time, Bloomberg defended his campaign’s decision to stop black high schoolers on the street, insisting that they’d be of voting age soon enough.
Americans Celebrate Valentine’s Day #~# Americans are projected to spend over $27 billion in total sales, or approximately $196 per person, on Valentine’s Day this year. How will you be celebrating Valentine’s Day?
A Guide To The USMCA Trade Deal #~# The United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement, which would replace NAFTA as the act governing North American trade, has been ratified in both the U.S. and Mexico. The Onion takes a look at the most important components of the USMCA trade deal.
Nevada Addresses Concerns About Election Security By Switching To Electronic Voters #~# LAS VEGAS—In an effort to ensure reliable results in its Feb. 22 presidential caucus, the Nevada State Democratic Party announced Friday that it had addressed election security concerns by upgrading to a new system of electronic voters. “There is a lot of potential for human error when you have people recording their votes on paper, but we believe we can greatly reduce inaccuracies by digitizing the entire process, including the voters themselves,” said party chair William McCurdy, who explained that electronic voters select candidates faster and more precisely than their human counterparts, allowing delegates to be awarded to the correct candidate immediately and eliminating the need to contest the outcome. “We originally planned to use a new app to tabulate votes, but after witnessing the difficulties experienced in Iowa’s caucuses, we thought, ‘Why not use an app to cast the votes, too?’ It’s far more efficient than systems we’ve used in the past, and the best part is that the results will be available as soon as—well, now, if you’d like them.” At press time, sources confirmed the Nevada party had awarded Joe Biden the 1,990 delegates necessary to secure the Democratic nomination for president.
Report Finds Average U.S. College Student Over $28,000 In Debt To Yakuza #~# NEW YORK—In a report that only adds to concerns over the looming student debt bubble, the Institute For College Access & Success released a report Friday revealing that the average U.S. college student is over $28,000 in debt to Japan’s Yakuza crime syndicate. “It’s deeply unfortunate to see so many 18-year-olds become involved with such an organization without realizing how it might affect their post-collegiate careers,” the report read in part, going on to describe how tattooed gangsters are often placed directly on campus to coerce students into signing loan agreements during a traditional bathhouse sake ceremony. “We have found that, sometime towards the end of their senior year, a student opens their door to find the oyabun, dressed in a primly pressed suit and flanked by sunglasses-wearing henchmen, ready to collect. A few students have been able to clear their debt but only by spending a decade working overseas as an assassin. However, we do concede that, compared to loans currently offered by financial institutions such as Sallie Mae, the Yakuza does provide more favorable interest rates.” Kirsch also noted that while the Yakuza do make some income-based repayment plans available, more and more students are opting to settle their debt by simply having their fingers cut off. 
BP Plans To Be Carbon-Neutral By 2050 #~# Oil giant BP has pledged to shrink its carbon footprint to net zero within the next 30 years by reducing greenhouse gas emissions and investing in green energy, though critics claim the plan does not go far enough. What do you think?
God Announces Major Overhaul Of Procreation Process For 2021 #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying humans can forget everything they thought they knew about producing offspring, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced a substantial overhaul Friday of the human procreation process, with changes set to go into effect next year. “Get ready, because come 2021, the way Homo sapiens mate will be getting a complete top-to-bottom revamp,” said the Creator of All Things, explaining that He was excited for the reproduction method of His flagship species to get this long overdue upgrade, the first in hundreds of thousands of years. “The new procedure is much more user-friendly than the old system, with a streamlining of all foreplay and an elimination of any biological functions not strictly necessary for conception. There will definitely be a learning curve as people get acclimated to a different interface, but once everyone gets the hang of it, breeding will be up to 100 times more efficient. Just make sure to swap out your genitals for the updated versions by January 1.” God later demurred when asked by reporters to address rumors within the anatomical community that testicles will finally be housed inside the torso the way ovaries are.
Couple Takes Weekend Trip Outside City To Get Away From All The Arts And Culture #~# ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Looking forward to a couple days devoid of any kind of mental stimulation, local couple Owen Lefeld and Emma Douglas set off on a weekend trip outside the city Friday to get away from all the arts and culture. “It can feel so suffocating being surrounded by all these world-class museums and parks all the time, so it helps to occasionally take a little trip out to the suburbs,” said Lefeld, 34, explaining that the excursion would allow the two of them to escape the relentlessness of human intellectual achievement. “As soon as I see that first strip mall, I just feel myself start to unwind. It’s nice to be somewhere where there’s just one diner with mediocre sandwiches, and not have to deal with the seemingly endless array of unique and enticing cuisine options from around the world that comes with living in the city. It’s only a short trip, but it will be nice to soak up the monotony while we can.” Lefeld added that the couple had left at rush hour to ensure they would hit as much traffic as possible on their journey. 
The Most Unforgettable Video Game Levels Of All Time #~# There’s nothing like the satisfaction of capping off a truly legendary gaming level: some are agonizing, others are simply packed with unforgettable details and game mechanics. Either way, the most iconic and memorable will stand the test of time and continue rewarding replays. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the greatest video game levels of all time.
Yang, Bennet, Patrick Drop Out Of Presidential Race #~# Andrew Yang, Michael Bennet and Deval Patrick ended their presidential bids following Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary, narrowing the 2020 Democratic field from 11 to 8. What do you think?
Tinder Swipes Right On Big Changes #~# The popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear #~# ATLANTA—As documented cases of the disease increased and more Americans wanted to take proactive measures to avoid infection, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly recommended Thursday also wearing a face mask on the back of one’s head in case the coronavirus attacks from the rear. “Given the ruthless efficiency at which the coronavirus can spread, we’re advising all Americans that wearing a face mask over your mouth is insufficient to fully protect yourself from any particularly wily strains of the virus sneaking up behind you and catching you unaware,” said CDC principal deputy director Anne Schuchat, explaining that the coronavirus was a notoriously sneaky disease and put anyone who didn’t adequately safeguard their back and the sides of their body at imminent risk. “Look, this is a disease that plays dirty, and in that respect, it’s much worse than SARS. You’ll need to have all your wits about you if you intend to stay one step ahead of its wicked grasp. You never know when it could creep silently behind you and infect you from the rear, which is why the CDC recommends that in addition to wearing a face mask on the back of your head, you always sit facing the entrance of any room you’re in with your back to the wall. We also strongly caution all Americans to look at any mirror they pass by in case the coronavirus is trying to trail them, and also to wear another face mask on top of your head to shield against aerial attacks.” CDC officials also recommended singing loudly, wearing strings of bells around your neck, or frequently blowing an air horn in an effort to scare off any coronavirus that might be lingering nearby. 
Mike Bloomberg: ‘I Apologize For The Damages My Past Policies Have Caused To The Negro Community’ #~# From The Archives:
Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300 #~# KEYSTONE, SD—Unveiling the updated sculpture in an official ceremony before a crowd of thousands, the National Park Service added former President Jimmy Carter to Mount Rushmore Thursday after he became the fifth former U.S. president to bowl a perfect 300 game. “Today, we honor a man who has cemented his place in history by casting his likeness on our great nation’s largest bowling memorial,” said National Park Service deputy director David Vela, echoing the feelings of shock and joy experienced across the nation after news broke that 95-year-old Carter had achieved the rare feat by bowling a strike in every frame. “It’s been over a century since we last added Theodore Roosevelt’s face to the design. Of course, Bill Clinton was close, but he was disqualified for using bumpers. But Jimmy Carter’s historic game belongs to the ages now, and only time will tell if another American leader can live up to the standard again.” At press time, the National Park Service was making plans to erect a second obelisk near the Washington Monument after President Carter reportedly scored a perfect 10.0 on his gymnastics vault routine.
‘Birds Of Prey’ Renamed Following Poor Box Office Results #~# Warner Bros. renamed its DC Comics movie Birds Of Prey (And The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn) to Harley Quinn: Birds Of Prey in an effort to boost ticket sales after a lower-than-projected opening weekend. What do you think?
‘You Should Put Your Name On The Karaoke List!’ Reports Greedy, Gluttonous Hunger For Strangers’ Approval #~# BURLINGTON, NJ—Recommending you scan through the list of songs until you find a real crowd-pleaser, a new report from your greedy, gluttonous hunger for the approval of strangers announced Thursday that “you should put your name on the karaoke list!” “Why don’t you pretend to sing directly to that person sitting at the bar even though you don’t know them? They would love that,” said the endless chorus of voracious voices swirling around your brain, urging you to make a little wisecrack during the song’s 16-bar instrumental break. “You should sway around and thrust your pelvis at the crowd for a little bit. That’s it. Now spin the microphone by the cord. Wait, you’re losing them—hurry up and try to get everyone to clap their hands. Next time, pick a song that really shows off your vocal range, like the one from Titantic.” At press time, the cacophonous screams that drive your need to be accepted reportedly quieted down to whisper, murmuring that it will never happen.
Every Question We’ve Been Dying To Answer About The ‘Final Fantasy 7’ Remake, Plus A Few Things We’d Like To Know About What Happens After We Die #~# Ever since Sony’s E3 2015 announcement, anticipation for the Final Fantasy 7 remake has been building to a fever pitch. Knowing one of the most beloved titles in gaming history would be remade has sparked frenzied speculation about how the story might change, what the battle system might look like, and even more metaphysical questions about the nature of the afterlife, and what exactly it will be like after our souls leave our bodies. Here are a few of the biggest details we’re dying to know about the upcoming Square Enix blockbuster, and a few big questions we here at OGN still have about what happens to us after we die.
Pros And Cons Of Abolishing The Senate #~# Established by Article 1 of the U.S. Constitution and first convened in 1789, the Senate has served as the upper chamber of Congress, but as America has grown and populations have shifted, its continued existence as a chamber that gives every state an equal number of representatives has come under scrutiny. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of abolishing the Senate.
Resigned Nutritionists Now Recommend Eating 3 Servings A Day Of Mice Or Bark Or Whatever #~# ITHACA, NY—Letting out deep sighs of apparent defeat, an exasperated and embittered panel of the nation’s leading nutritionists voiced resignation Thursday when it recommended adults just go ahead and consume three servings per day of mice or bark or whatever. “As far as we’re concerned, you people can swallow ping-pong balls whole—we don’t give a shit,” said Professor Marie Barrow of Cornell University’s Division of Nutritional Science, who shrugged as she suggested Americans maintain balanced portions sizes of insects, batteries, house cats, small kitchen appliances, or anything else they want to try cramming indiscriminately down their throats. “We’ve spent our careers providing you with carefully researched advice, but obviously no one is listening. So go outside and eat handfuls of grass and dirt, if you’d like. Or just keep your mouth open and see what lands in it. When you’re eating that much, you’re bound to run into some vitamins by chance, eventually.” The nutritionists then reiterated that Americans should try to limit themselves to three meals day, unless of course they’re rather have four, or five, or 15, because obviously no one fucking cares anymore.
FBI Warns Against American Dream Scam #~# It promises prosperity and success in exchange for nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and determination. Hear how authorities suggest people protect themselves from this growing scam.
Takeaways From The New Hampshire Primaries #~# The New Hampshire presidential primaries took place on February 11, with President Donald Trump seeking reelection and several candidates locked in fierce competition for Democratic delegates. The Onion provides the most important takeaways from the New Hampshire primaries.
Fox News Producer Knows His Work Formulaic But At Least It Helps People Escape Reality For Couple Hours #~# NEW YORK—Expressing a kind of resigned satisfaction with the familiar tropes the conservative media outlet relies upon for its stories, Fox News producer Ken Peterson acknowledged Wednesday that while his work may be formulaic, it at least allows viewers to escape reality for a couple of hours. “Sure, when I started out in this industry, I had more ambitious goals, but at the end of the day, people just want to zone out and enjoy the diversion provided by a purely imaginary world,” said Peterson, adding that as long as he’s telling the stories his audience wants to hear, he feels as though he’s doing his job and making a difference. “I know some of our storylines—for example, the one about the anti-racist protesters in Charlottesville actually being paid actors hired by a PR firm—aren’t very convincing, but just because a plot is far-fetched doesn’t mean it isn’t enjoyable for people to watch. And what’s wrong with giving people something they like? Many of our viewers are getting on in years, and I think they find solace in familiar characters and story arcs, even if they do tend to be a little derivative of the president’s Twitter account.” Peterson’s went on to confirm that he doesn’t often watch his network’s programming at home, preferring to spend his free time watching the news instead.
Sanders Wins New Hampshire Primary #~# Following the Iowa caucus debacle that delayed official results and left observers confused, Bernie Sanders won New Hampshire’s Democratic primary on Tuesday. What do you think?
CEO Of Robotics Corporation Tells Sobbing Andrew Yang That He Was His Greatest Creation #~# WASHINGTON—Stroking his hair as the former presidential candidate fell to his knees in despair, Professor Elijah Tresswell, CEO of Tresswell Robotics, reportedly told a sobbing Andrew Yang Wednesday that he was his greatest creation. “I understand that this must be quite a shock to you, Andrew, but all your memories from your life before the campaign were simply constructed narratives implanted into your neural processor,” said Tresswell, urging Yang to take pride in the tremendous technological advances that he’d helped bring into existence. “I’ve watched you with such delight as, with each presidential debate, you became more sophisticated, more emotive, more human. Don’t fret, my sweet Andrew, for though you failed to become the nominee, you have achieved something far greater, my son.” At press time, an anguished Yang had reportedly crushed Tresswell’s skull with his bare hands before fleeing through the rain-drenched streets of D.C.
Moderates Worry Klobuchar Splitting People-Who-Will-Vote-For-Anybody Vote #~# NEW YORK—Noting that the Minnesota senator could be a potential “spoiler at the convention,” FiveThiryEight released a report Wednesday finding that moderate Democrats were worried Amy Klobuchar could split the crucial people-who-will-vote-for-anybody vote. “Klobuchar has a real path to the nomination if she can lock down this constituency of voters who just kind of support anyone whose name they heard recently,” said editor-in-chief Nate Silver, referring to the demographic as the Democratic party’s most consistent voting base. “We all expected Biden to consolidate this group, but he has surprisingly struggled to connect with people who don’t really want to consider why they’re casting a vote. Instead, it’s Klobuchar who looks to be the one speaking to their issues—which are vague and ill-defined. She’s definitely an appealing choice for Democrats who blindly vote for any random candidate with a ‘D’ next to their name.” The report concluded by citing Hilary Clinton’s stronghold over the voting block on her path to the 2016 nomination. 
Gaming Is Finally Growing Up: This Xbox One Is Wearing A Suit And Tie #~# Haters have always said that gaming was nothing but child’s play—an immature distraction from the more “serious” and critically accepted art forms out there in the world. But it’s time for those naysayers to bow down and accept that gaming is finally growing up, because this Xbox One is wearing a suit and tie!Yup, readers. This right here is the clearest sign yet that gaming isn’t just for kids anymore.Boy, we wish we could see the stunned looks on critics’ faces when they get a load of Microsoft’s console attired in a smart Brooks Brothers suit and silk tie, and realize everything they’ve thought about video games has been dead wrong. What’s even sweeter is that the Xbox’s leather briefcase leaves no room for the argument that novels or films are the only adult form of storytelling anymore. And is that a tasteful pocket square we see in the console’s Blu-ray drive? Well, well, well.Of course, we’d argue that we’ve already had countless moments in the 60-year history of video games that settled this argument, such as when a PlayStation 2 was spotted wearing a phone headset in a drab office cubicle or when a pair of Sega Saturns was seen at their kitchen table agonizing over prenup agreements. However, none of that matters now that this mature console and its sophisticated work ensemble have put this silly debate to rest once and for all!So listen up, gamers: next time some detractor starts disparaging your life passion as childish or shallow, you just point them in the direction of this Xbox One and its responsible, stylish business outfit. We’re pretty sure that will shut them up for good.
Pregnant Woman Finally Knows Joy Of What It Feels Like To Be Big Fat Guy #~# MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing that she had dreamed of this special moment since she was just a little girl, 31-year-old Jessica Drysdale told reporters Wednesday that since becoming pregnant, she finally understood the joy of feeling like a big fat guy. “The happiness I feel every day, waking up like some jolly, 300-pound man and rubbing my huge, protruding belly in the mirror, is honestly indescribable,” said the nine-months pregnant Drysdale, adding that while she was scared at first to feel like an obese middle-aged dad, coming home, putting on her stretchy pants, and downing an entire pizza by herself in a La-Z-Boy recliner had exceeded her expectations. “Yes, it’s hard sometimes, because my ankles are swollen, I can’t actually touch my toes, and I sweat in crevices I never even knew I had. But when I get to say things like ‘Woah! My dogs are barking,’ or do a big laugh that makes my whole body jiggle, it’s incredible. And honestly, it’s powerful.” At press time, Drysdale had retracted her statements after she gave birth and doctors informed her that she had gained 70 pounds.
Emergency Room Staff Assures Parents That Burger King Chicken Fries Will Pass Naturally Through Child’s System #~# TULSA, OK—Comforting the worried couple that the common problem would likely work itself out on its own, Hillcrest Hospital ER staff assured parents Dave and Hilary Melford Tuesday that the Burger King Chicken Fries their son swallowed would likely pass naturally through his system. “We get a lot of worried moms and dads coming in fearing the worst, but you can rest assured that those Burger King Chicken Fries should pass intact through Jason’s large intestine in a matter of days without any significant health issues,” said Dr. Terrance Rush, stressing that medical intervention would likely be entirely unnecessary to remove the Chicken Fries from their son’s stomach. “Of course, the best course of action would have been to immediately induce vomiting, but the good news is I expect Jason will make a full recovery in as little as a week. Unfortunately, the trace amounts of Zesty Sauce in his system could be there for years to come.” At press time, ER staff members were diverted by a code blue for a child who had accidentally come into contact with Taco Bell’s Double Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box.
University Of Colorado To Offer Degree In Marijuana #~# This fall, the University of Colorado will offer a bachelor’s degree in cannabis biology and chemistry, providing students the chance to enter the country’s burgeoning marijuana industry armed with an education rooted in natural products and analytical science. What do you think?
Department Of Evil: ‘All Of You Must Die’ #~# The Department of Evil issued a strong and clear message today confirming that every resident of the United States must die. But what does it mean for Americans and their mortality?
‘It’s Time To Go, Mr. Stone,’ Says Ski-Masked William Barr After Running Prison Bus Off Road #~# WASHINGTON—Smashing through the glass of the back window before prying open the door, a ski-masked William Barr reportedly told Roger Stone that it was time to go Tuesday after running the convicted felon’s prison bus off the road. “Looks like there’s been a change of plans,” said the attorney general, firing his sawed-off shotgun at Stone’s restraints in order to free him before spinning around and blasting a prison guard in the face at point-blank range. “You’ve got some friends in high places, Mr. Stone. I have some new passports for you and a change of clothes in the car. Don’t worry, if we can make it to D.C., we’ve got a nice, comfortable spot for you to wait it out until the heat is off, but we gotta move fast.” At press time, after an injured prison guard began struggling to his feet, Barr reportedly told him “Let Adam Schiff know what you saw here” before ramming him in the forehead with the butt of his shotgun.
Flustered New Hampshire Bed And Breakfast Host Informs Biden, Sanders, Buttigieg, Warren, Klobuchar They’re All Booked For Same Room #~# CONCORD, NH—Realizing there had been a major oversight during scheduling, the flustered host of a New Hampshire B&B informed Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Pete Buttigieg, Elizabeth Warren, and Amy Klobuchar Tuesday that they were all booked for the same room. “I’m incredibly sorry for the mix-up, but we’re completely full, and all five of you will be sharing the Lavender Room upstairs,” said the owner of The Birch Tree Inn as she led the Democratic primary candidates to their cozy floral-themed bedroom complete with a full-sized bed and antique writing desk. “The bed comfortably sleeps two, maybe three, and the other folks will need to snuggle up on the roll-out. Or we can push the bed and the roll-out together to make one real big bed so all of you can sleep together. The bathroom is down the hall, but luckily, you only have to share it with our guests in the Rose Suite. Again, I apologize for the snafu, so I’ve sent up extra towels to ensure you each get at least one.” At press time, Pete Buttigieg was spotted carrying a stack of board games up to the room after the five Democrats were unable to get Netflix to stream on Elizabeth Warren’s laptop.
Website Offers Porn To Passengers Trapped On Quarantined Cruise Ship #~# In an effort to ease fear and alleviate boredom, the pornography site CamSoda is offering free webcam sessions to the 3,700 passengers and crew trapped aboard the Diamond Princess, a cruise ship that has been quarantined for nearly a week after 135 guests tested positive for coronavirus. What do you think?
Poll Finds Bloomberg Trailing Among Young Black Males He’s Already Thrown In Prison #~# HAMDEN, CT—Suggesting continued challenges in the former New York City mayor’s quest for the presidential nomination, a new poll conducted by Quinnipiac University found that Democratic candidate Michael Bloomberg was trailing his rivals among young black males he’s already thrown into prison. “Bloomberg is continuing to perform poorly among African American men who were between 16 and 25 years old when they were arrested for possession of marijuana during his tenure as mayor of New York,” said lead pollster Nadia Bresner, confirming that fewer than 2% of survey respondents who were still serving prison sentences as a result of stop-and-frisk policies named Bloomberg as one of their top three favorite candidates. “These numbers suggest that these individuals strongly connected to other candidates’ policies of not having them detained and incarcerated based on their race. It remains to be seen if Bloomberg can bridge the gap of minorities he allowed to be terrorized by the police with another multimillion-dollar TV ad buy.” Bresner added that not all the poll numbers were bad for Bloomberg, noting that he was still beating Pete Buttigieg among young black men the mayor of South Bend had thrown into prison.
Man Calms Down From Violent Rage After Seeing ‘Or Current Resident’ On Misaddressed Letter #~# ROCKFORD, IL—Unclenching his fists as blood spilled from fingernail lacerations on his palms, area man Dan Collins reportedly calmed from a violent rage Tuesday after he noticed a misaddressed letter also included “or current resident” as the intended recipient. “Oh, thank God,” said Collins, panting as a pulsing vein receded into his forehead and anger dissolved into recognition and finally into acceptance. “The insult that I suffered upon receiving this piece of mail for one ‘Patrick Fox’—the nerve! My...name...isn’t...Patrick! Alright, Dan, it’s alright, here you are just a centimeter lower—‘current resident’—that’s me, alright. Good, my brain doesn’t feel hot anymore, and I no longer need to seek revenge upon my mailman in the form of a violent ambush, as I had planned just moments ago before I saw that ‘or.’ Whew! Close one.” At press time, Collins had reportedly devoured the Bed Bath & Beyond catalog that was addressed to him and him alone.
Fertility Clinic Employee Asks Couple If They’d Like To Play With Sperm Out Back And Get To Know It Better #~# OMAHA, NE—Warning that the single-celled gamete they were looking at could be a little feisty, fertility clinic employee Mark Ipser reportedly asked a couple Tuesday if they would like to play with a sperm out back and get to know it better. “This guy is adorable, but it’s impossible to know how he’ll act around you until you get out there and handle him yourself,” said Ipser, emphasizing that every spermatozoon reacts to new humans differently, especially because so many of them at the clinic were old, blind, or had been dropped on the curb by elderly men with no other option. “This guy in particular is one of our favorites around here, but I’ll be honest—he’s really attached to his thousands of brothers, and he can really whip his flagellum when he’s excited. Ideally, I’d like to see him go home with someone who has extensive experience with sperm, just so you’re not blindsided. Oh, and also, he definitely needs to be with a family without children.” At press time, Ipser told reporters that the couple had opted to look elsewhere and spring for a “purer” sperm that they found online. 
NASA Launches Really Nice Nikon DSLR Camera Strapped To Rocket To Gather Photos Of Sun #~# CAPE CANAVERAL—Expressing excitement about the collaborative mission with the European Space Agency, NASA officials announced Monday the successful launch of a really nice Nikon DSLR camera strapped to a rocket to gather photos of the sun. “Thus far, we’ve been limited in our ability to take images of the sun, but this baby is a top-of-the-line camera, which, according to a number of Amazon reviews, takes really great pics,” said NASA senior project manager Melissa Bolton, browsing through the high-quality images of trees and birds that her solar launch team had shot at a nearby park with the Nikon D810A. “At first, we were thinking of using the latest iPhone after seeing those billboards advertising its new camera, but since this project could bring new insight into the many forces responsible for solar behavior, we decided to go all-out with a totally sweet DSLR. This thing has really good auto-focus, a 20x zoom, and a little sun icon right on the camera, which is perfect because that’s what we’re shooting. It can hold a ton of pictures, too, so we can just set the countdown timer and we’ll check what we got in a couple of years. Sure, the Nikon is a little pricey, but you don’t need to be a professional to take great pictures. It’s nice because the camera is pretty much idiot proof.” At press time, NASA engineers were panicking after realizing that they had forgotten to remove the lens cap.
Trump Fires Officials Who Testified In Impeachment Inquiry #~# Gordon Sondland was recalled from his post as ambassador to the European Union and Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman was fired from his job on the National Security Council on Friday as President Trump sought retribution for their testimony in the House impeachment inquiry. What do you think?
‘He’s A Cop,’ Say Bernie Backers, Withdrawing Support After Realizing Candidate Vying To Be Commander In Chief #~# NEW YORK—Expressing disappointment that the longtime senator was “just another part of the establishment,” once-vocal supporters of Bernie Sanders withdrew their backing for the presidential candidate Monday after realizing he was vying to become commander in chief of the U.S. Armed Forces. “Bernie talks a big game about being progressive, but he also wants to lead the world’s largest military? No thanks, pig,” said Brooklyn-based campaign volunteer Masha Ariely, expressing the sentiments of many former Sanders proponents who derided the White House hopeful as a “dirty cop” for seeking to wield the strength of a vast global superpower with a nearly $700 billion annual defense budget. “I was pretty excited for Medicare For All, but not if it means I have to vote for a guy who’s going to be giving orders at the Pentagon. We’re talking about an organization complicit in torture at Abu Ghraib, massacres in Vietnam, and a whole slew of war crimes going back to the Mexican–American War. Clearly Bernie is some sort of plant.” At press time, sources confirmed Sanders’ remaining supporters had trickled away after they discovered the avowed anti-billionaire candidate apparently nursed hopes of moving into the nation’s 132-room executive mansion.
Oscars Ceremony Ruined #~# Last night’s Academy Awards were marred by what might be the Oscars’ worst gaffe in years. Hear how a leaky pipe in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good, and about the superintendent who stepped in to make it all much worse.
Health Officials Warn It Is Impossible To Tell If American Cruise Ship Passengers Suffering From Coronavirus Or Just Like That #~# WASHINGTON—In a concerning development regarding the potentially deadly epidemic, health officials warned Monday that it was impossible to tell if American cruise ship passengers had contracted coronavirus or if they were just like that. “After extensive observation, we are still unable to determine if the passengers aboard our nation’s cruise ships have coronavirus or if the potential symptoms are simply a result of their lifestyle choices,” said Health and Human Services secretary Alex Azar, telling reporters that runny noses and headaches experienced by passengers may be due to decades of poor eating habits and lack of exposure to the outdoors. “We’ve received dozens of reports of Americans struggling to breathe and generally feeling unwell, and while this definitely could be a result of the coronavirus, it could just as likely be due to the prevalence of drink specials and all-you-can-eat seafood buffets aboard ship. At one point, we were fairly certain that we had found an outbreak, but it turned out the passengers’ profuse sweating and pallid skin were a result of them having to walk up a flight of stairs when the ship’s elevator was out of order.” Azar added that the HHS had determined that the bloated skin, dehydration, and prolonged vomiting experienced by American cruise ship passengers had nothing whatsoever to do with the coronavirus.
‘Parasite’ Wins Best Picture At 92nd Oscars #~# In an awards season dominated by discussion of homogeneity among the slate of nominees and the producers’ choice to forgo a host, Bong Joon-ho’s Parasite triumphed over fellow contenders at the 92nd Academy Awards and became the first foreign-language film to ever win Best Picture. What do you think?
Man Crippled By Fear Of Failure As If It Hadn’t Already Happened #~# STERLING, CO—Unable to make any major decisions lest he ruin his sad little life, local man Bill Cross remained crippled by fear of failure Monday as if it hadn’t already happened. “I’m scared I’m gonna choose the wrong career path or marry the wrong woman and totally regret it later,” said Cross, remaining concerned that if he takes a risk and it doesn’t pan out that he could end up as pathetic as he already is right now. “I’ve got big plans, and once I’m absolutely certain I can reach my goals without failing, I’ll start trying to achieve them. What if I attempt to run a marathon or learn to play the guitar and I can’t do it? I’ll have nothing to show for myself just like I have nothing to show for myself today. I can’t allow myself to end up like my dad [with his good job and fulfilling home life.]” At press time, Cross had turned down a promotion at work after insisting he wasn’t qualified and would mess it all up.
2020 Race Upended After New Poll Finds Trump, Democrats Trailing Mysterious Rune-Covered Obelisk By 80 Points #~# ROCKPORT, IN—Revealing that the latest addition to the presidential race had totally upended the 2020 election, a national poll conducted Monday found that President Donald Trump, as well as every single Democratic candidate, were now trailing a mysterious rune-covered Obelisk by 80 points.
Increasingly Unhinged Centrists Announce Plan To Round Up Nation Into Camps To Force Them To Engage In Meaningful Dialogue #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that they were forced to take more radical measures to ensure the success of their moderate political platform, increasingly unhinged U.S. centrists announced Monday their plan to round up the nation’s populace into camps to force them to engage in meaningful dialogue. “As more Americans adopt left-wing or right-wing views, compromise to a moderate position will require more drastic action, which is why we’ve decided to herd every last American into trains and bring them to camps encircled in barbed wire where they will be forced to discuss their views at gunpoint,” said a wild-eyed Leland Welsh, spokesperson for the centrist think tank Third Way, which was behind the funding of the large open-air detention center where divided Americans would be forced to shake hands until their palms bled and go without food and water until they had agreed to understand and embrace the positions of their political opponents. “We believe that all Americans possess the capacity to find a middle ground on every single issue, which is why we’re going to force their eyes open to read opinion pieces by their political adversaries, make them listen to speeches by Hillary Clinton and Mitt Romney blaring on loudspeakers 24 hours a day, and compel them to remain standing for long periods of time while our guards scream ‘We can all get along!’ In these camps, expressions of animosity toward another inmate’s belief system, or uttering anything besides the phrase ‘But that’s just my opinion, and I’d love to hear yours’ will be punishable by death. We will stop at nothing to ensure that all Americans hold the exact same centrist belief system.” The visibly crazed political centrists added that if the camps were unable to force any Americans to find common ground with one another, they would sell them in new slave markets to a company that would.
Study Finds Dating Apps Most Effective Way To Find Everyone Your Age Apparently Kayaking Now #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—In what researchers are calling a significant cultural shift in the way young people are forging new social bonds, a new University of Michigan study revealed Monday that modern dating apps have become the single most effective way for individuals to determine that everyone in their age group was now into kayaking. “It used to be that singles would have to go out to bars, approach strangers, and initiate conversations with people to discover that their generation had taken up kayaking, but our study would seem to indicate that such forthright extroversion is no longer necessary,” said lead researcher Joseph Yoon, noting that Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, and other popular apps were now the preeminent tool for finding others in your area who, by all accounts, seem to be spending a lot of free time paddling around rivers and lakes. “Our research shows that nearly 100% of singles aged 22 to 45 are into kayaking now, a figure we could only have guessed at before the advent of these apps. In today’s world, there’s no longer any need to consult your coworkers or friends of friends. Just swipe your finger across your phone, and voila—you have access to a whole crop of strangers your age kayaking and documenting the occasion with photos.” Yoon added that the proliferation of these apps has also greatly destigmatized the once-shameful process of finding out about everyone kayaking.
Mom Still Seething Over Car That Blew Through Stop Sign 15 Years Ago #~# AUGUSTA, GA—Tightening her grip on the steering wheel as she approached the notorious intersection, local mom Helen Schumacher was reportedly still seething Monday over a car that blew through a stop sign 15 years ago. “It was so inconsiderate—they clearly saw me,” said Schumacher, who furrowed her brow and shook her head while recalling how the vehicle blatantly sped right through the crossing without any regard for oncoming traffic. “It’s so dangerous! I still remember that it was a white Camry. I almost honked. And you know there’s a school right down the street! It’s like the driver didn’t think that he could’ve gotten hurt too.” At press time, Schumacher conceded that at least it wasn’t as bad as the time in 2002 when that blue Taurus pulled out of the Sears parking lot like “a total maniac.”
Study Finds Leading Cause Of Childhood Obesity Witches Fattening Up Children To Be Eaten #~# ATLANTA—Urging parents to learn about the dangers lurking in the enchanted forest, a new study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found Monday that the leading cause of childhood obesity was malevolent witches fattening up children with an intention to eat them. “Our findings show that more and more young Americans have been wandering into the woods, only to be accosted by an old, magical crone who wants nothing more than to plump them up like a piggie and get them ready for stew,” said CDC chief of staff Kyle McGowen, noting a strong statistical correlation between rising BMI percentages and children eating all the Turkish delight, bread pudding, and homemade taffy that their little hearts desire. “Unfortunately, the correlation between excess weight gain and being placed in a steaming cauldron by a witch while she hand-feeds you cherry pie and cackles is extremely high. And what’s worse, by the time these children find themselves on a dinner platter with an apple shoved in their mouths, it’s already too late.” While McGowen emphasized that there was no quick fix to this epidemic, he advised children to leave a trail of breadcrumbs wherever they go, just in case.
‘You’re Allowed To Be Naked Sometimes, But Not Other Times,’ Says Brad Pitt In Baffling Oscars Acceptance Speech #~# LOS ANGELES—Eschewing traditional topics such as thanking colleagues or speaking out about political issues, Brad Pitt delivered a baffling Oscars acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor Sunday explaining that you’re allowed to be naked sometimes, but not other times. “Sometimes you have no choice but to wear clothes, and sometimes it’s okay to take them off. It really just depends,” said Pitt in a six-minute speech to a fidgeting, uncomfortable audience who had grown silent and were nervously eyeing the exits as the orchestra began trying to play him off the stage. “There are occasions where being nude is actually preferable, like in the shower. Right now would be an inappropriate situation for being naked, but in a few hours, who knows. That said, there are situations where it’s a sort of dealer’s choice where you can decide for yourself whether or not you want to be naked.” At press time, the cast and crew who worked with Pitt on Once Upon A Time In Hollywood were tearing up and giving him a standing ovation.
Nervous, Jeans-Wearing Charlize Theron Wishes Someone Had Told Her This Was Supposed To Be Formal Event #~# LOS ANGELES—Flushed with embarrassment after surveying her peers on the red carpet, a jeans-wearing, sweatshirt-clad Charlize Theron nervously admitted Sunday that she wished someone had told her the Academy Awards were supposed to be a formal event. “Ah, geez. Everyone’s dressed to the nines, and I look like a complete schlub,” said Theron, lamenting that if she were to go home and get dressed up in “fancy clothes” that she might miss the presentation of the Academy Award for Best Actress. “Saoirse Ronan told me she was just going to ‘wear whatever,’ but she’s absolutely stunning. Even my agent looks better than me. Maybe if I just sit down, nobody will notice what I’m wearing.” At press time, Theron was sprinting down Hollywood Boulevard to buy a nice skirt at the Gap.
Bumblebee Disappearance Linked To Extreme Heat #~# Researchers found a rapid decline in bumblebees linked to climate changes, driving the insects to be half as likely to be found in North America as they were in 1901. What do you think?
Timeline Of The Iowa Caucuses Debacle #~# The Iowa caucuses, where the first votes were tallied for the 2020 presidential election, became a days-long fiasco largely due to an app malfunction. The Onion offers a look at the key events of the Iowa caucuses debacle.
Parkinson’s Gene Waiting To Switch On Until Everything Finally Falling Into Place For Local Man #~# ST. LOUIS—Claiming it was simply biding its time before it wreaks total havoc on the 55-year-old’s brain, a Parkinson’s gene confirmed Friday that it was waiting to switch on until the moment when everything in local man Lee Madbury’s life has at long last fallen into place. “Once he’s happily remarried, saved enough for retirement, and received the long-awaited news that he’s going to be a grandfather, that’s when I’m really going to let him have it,” the degenerative disorder said of its forthcoming attack on the man whose career and relationships have had their ups and downs over the decades but who will soon put a down payment on the lake house where he has long dreamed of spending his golden years with the love of his life. “As soon as he’s made it to a point where, for the very first time, he finally feels at peace, finally feels able to enjoy himself and even just be himself—at that exact instant, I’ll start killing off the cells in his basal ganglia and absolutely laying waste to his central nervous system. Until then, however, I’m willing to wait patiently, just lying here dormant in his DNA without anyone suspecting a thing.” The Parkinson’s gene went on to state that it would also be willing to activate immediately if Madbury were ever to lose his health insurance.
A Shocking Scene Of Rebellion #~# Onlookers were stunned in Lansing, MI after witnessing a rebellious young man who had the audacity to dye his hair blue.
The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actresses #~# Notable Roles: Convincingly portraying a loving partner to Colin Jost
Buttigieg Touts Progress Connecting With Black Fortune 500 Executives #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Addressing concerns over his campaign’s marked lack of inclusion, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg touted significant progress he made Friday connecting with black Fortune 500 executives. “I’ve heard your concerns, and over the past few weeks, I’ve made great efforts to not just talk to but listen to prominent members of the African American consulting community,” said the former South Bend mayor, emphasizing that he had hosted several round tables across the country where he had personal, one-on-one conversations with black VPs of weapons manufacturers, pharmaceutical companies, and Silicon Valley tech giants. “While I might not have lived the same experiences, I hope that my campaign will feel inclusive to all executives of color, in all management levels, regardless of whether they attended Harvard or Yale. As someone who worked at McKinsey myself, I know firsthand that we can’t win the presidency without them.” At press time, Buttigieg unveiled a new plan to diversify his campaign staff by hiring a single black finance executive to the Pete 2020 board.
Bernie Madoff Asks For Prison Release #~# Ponzi-scheme mastermind Bernie Madoff is seeking a compassionate release for his renal failure from a 150-year prison sentence for charges that he stole roughly $20 billion from celebrities, charities, financial funds, and average investors. What do you think?
The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actors #~# Career High: Being handsome and successful continuously throughout his entire life
Movie Expedition Team Annoyed They Only Getting Briefed On Mission Right Before Parachuting Onto Hostile Island #~# INDIAN OCEAN—Expressing frustration over a lack of communication from their commanding officer, a movie expedition team, the Specters, was annoyed Friday that they were only getting briefed on their mission right before parachuting into enemy territory. “Christ, we barely spoke on this 14-hour plane ride, and now we’re finally getting briefed once the hatch has opened and it’s fucking impossible to hear anything,” said Marines special forces officer Connor Davies, bemoaning the total lack of reconnaissance his team was provided prior to making landfall and expressing confusion over the passing mention of a “rendezvous point.” “I wish we could’ve seen this chart about our 3% chance of survival before we signed up for this. Someone could’ve told us our assignments while we were putting on our gear. I guess it’s partially my fault for allowing myself to get on the plane without asking where we were going first, but still, I figured we’d get a little more intel than a curt ‘Head out, Marines’ before jumping out of a goddamn plane.” At press time, Davies was surprised that he knew exactly how to infiltrate the enemy base and kill the ringleader.
EPA Thugs Violently Beat Endangered Toad Who Hasn’t Paid Protection Money #~# BASTROP, TX—Bursting into the amphibian’s native woodlands with their sleeves rolled up and bludgeons in hand, a group of EPA thugs violently beat and endangered a Houston Toad Friday after the 2-year-old male failed to pay them protection money. “Look, you know the deal—either you cough up the dough, or tomorrow morning, you could end up floating face down in this nice little creek over there, okay?” said one of muscular, suited tough guys from Washington D.C., as he threw the toad against a tree, stomped on its burrow, and then held a knife up to its neck while screaming profanities. “You think we’re just two stupid EPA lackeys, and that we’re going to let you live off the fat of the earth for free? No, we’ve been running this federal land for generations, and whether you’re a toad, a fuckin’ fish, or that cute little symbiotic tree frog friend of yours, we always take a cut. And who knows? I know you’ve got a bunch of eggs around here somewhere, don’t think we won’t come for them too. You’ve got three days.” At press time, the toad had awoken next to the head of its mate lying under its pile of leaves.
Deal Alert: The Guards Protecting The Duke’s Prized Copy Of ‘Diddy Kong Racing’ Will Be Briefly Distracted During The Fireworks Display At His Upcoming Grand Ball #~# Hail and well met, fans of diversions and leisure! Take heed, for we have a most tantalizing proposition on this fortuitous day.
‘He’s Got The Mulan Virus!’ Yells Don Jr. Attempting To Quarantine Eric By Duct Taping Garbage Bag Over Head #~# WASHINGTON—Kicking and punching his brother in an effort to fight the “Germans” [sic] that were swarming all over his sibling’s body, Donald Trump Jr. reportedly yelled, “He’s got the Mulan virus!” Thursday while attempting to quarantine Eric Trump by duct taping a garbage bag over his brother’s head. “Oh my God, ew, ew, ew! Eric, do you have the Mulan Virus?” said a horrified Don Jr., who, after sticking his hand into his brother’s mouth to take his temperature, screamed and immediately sprayed an “antelope” [sic] of Lysol down Eric’s throat. “If you don’t fight the Mulan virus soon, you could invest [sic] everyone and start a worldwide academic [sic]. Seriously! Okay, now just stay still while I put a bag over my own head.” At press time, Don Jr. was attempting to create some air holes for his younger brother by repeatedly stabbing the garbage bag with a compass.
The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Pictures #~# Synopsis: A married couple goes through a bitter acting contest
Trump Acquitted #~# In a pair of party-line votes that capped off five months of investigation and testimony, President Trump became the third commander-in-chief acquitted in American history, although Senator Mitt Romney’s dissenting vote to convict denied him a purely partisan acquittal. What do you think?
The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Directors #~# Filmmaking Style: Heavily employs pastiche drawing from classic films such as Ernest Goes To School, Ernest Goes To Jail, and Ernest Goes To Camp
Who Is The Mike Pence Whistleblower? #~# The vice president is under major scrutiny after a White House whistleblower leaked thousands of Mike Pence’s prayers asking God for political favors.
Report: The Nation Has Healed And It’s Time To Rejoice! #~# WASHINGTON—With the closing of the great national rift and the receding of that dark menace which threatened to tear the land asunder, the body politic has healed, and the time has come for all citizens to rejoice, a new report confirmed Thursday. According to civic observers, the long-awaited hour has finally arrived, and through the whole of this great nation, from the shores of the Atlantic to the Pacific, each man must lay down arms and embrace his enemy, for in truth, he is no enemy at all but a brother. For the first time in years, the sun has reportedly risen over a truly United States of America, so experts recommend rising to one’s feet, erupting in jubilant noise, dancing in the town square, and joining hands with one’s neighbor to sing the glad song now dwelling in every heart! At press time, sources confirmed the nation’s formerly joyous streets were running red with blood after one Twitter user told another to “eat shit.”
Buttigieg, Sanders In Dead Heat In Iowa Caucus #~# Following a turbulent roll-out of results and a call for recanvassing by DNC Chair Tom Perez, Pete Buttigieg and Bernie Sanders remain virtually tied in the Iowa caucuses with 97% of precincts reporting, although the former South Bend mayor retains a slight lead in delegate count. What do you think?
Hollywood Legend Kirk Douglas Dead In Apparent Age Overdose #~# BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Explaining that his body simply couldn’t handle the sheer quantity of years he had put into his system, local authorities confirmed Thursday that Hollywood legend Kirk Douglas died in his home of an apparent age overdose at 103. “While Mr. Douglas’s life may have seemed glamorous to his fans, behind the scenes he struggled with a dark history of maturation that few were brave enough to confront him about,” said Beverly Hills Police Department spokesperson Sgt. Lawrence Ward, adding that Douglas was successfully able to conceal his struggles with aging until he began experimenting with more and more intense forms during the 1970s and the 1980s. “Family and friends told us that as time wore on, they eventually noticed his body’s slow deterioration, observing that he developed the telltale liver spots, gray hair, and gaunt face that so many of the elderly display. Of course, Mr. Douglas knew the risks, but once he started dabbling in age past 80 or 90 years, all that time began to catch up with him.” Ward went on to tell reporters he hoped this tragedy would serve as a cautionary tale, and warned anyone with an octogenarian in their family to seek help before it was too late.
Senate Republicans Say One Mistake Should Not Ruin The Life Of A Naive, Promising Young Man Like Trump #~# WASHINGTON—Insisting that the impressionable youth wasn’t aware of any wrongdoing, Senate Republicans spoke out Thursday saying that one mistake shouldn’t ruin the life of a naive, promising young man like President Donald Trump. “Sure, withholding military aid to an ally in wartime in order to secure an investigation into a political rival isn’t the best, but it’s wrong to squander all of this bright young man’s potential over one little abuse of power,” said Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), explaining that it would be easy to look back and find a time in pretty much anyone’s life when they tried to compel a foreign government to interfere in a national election because they didn’t know any better. “It would be unfair to blemish this gifted young man’s record forever just because he committed a single high crime in his 70s. Just ask yourself: do we really want this one miscarriage of public trust in democratic institutions to follow him for the rest of his life?” At press time, McConnell was heartened that an acquitted Trump still had an entire life of undermining democracy for his personal benefit ahead of him.
Trump Spends National Prayer Breakfast Attacking God For Allowing Impeachment To Ever Happen #~# WASHINGTON—Unleashing a tirade on the supreme deity in an overtly partisan display at the traditionally nonpolitical event, President Donald Trump spent Thursday’s National Prayer Breakfast fiercely attacking God for allowing impeachment to ever happen. “As everyone knows, my family, your great country, and the presidency have been put through the ringer by this supposedly great God and the crooked angels who let this hoax happen,” said the president, boasting that his approval rating was far higher than the Lord’s would ever be while holding aloft a copy of The Washington Post’s front-page “Trump acquitted” headline and quipping that the Almighty did not seem so all-powerful anymore. “Honestly, folks, this is a very dishonest and corrupt creator we’re talking about. He says He loves everybody, but He’s really a fool and a liar. Frankly, our maker never should have been given the power to create the Universe, let alone pull the strings to humiliate me in front of the entire country. Hate to say it, but it’s true.” At press time, the gathering of Christian preachers and prayer groups gave Trump a thunderous standing ovation after the president said that the Lord could eat shit and he was looking forward to when His Holiness finally died.
Lin-Manuel Miranda: ‘You People Are Giving Me Too Much Fucking Money’ #~# NEW YORK—Noting the fat paychecks he’d received for his work on Broadway and in Hollywood, Hamilton star Lin-Manuel Miranda announced Thursday that “You people are giving me too much fucking money.” “Holy hell, I wrote one musical about a founding father, and you goddamn lunatics are throwing millions of dollars at me like I invented theater or something. Get a grip,” said Miranda, who wondered aloud if Disney would still have paid $75 million to acquire the rights to his play, Hamilton, if they knew he’d “shit it out in one night after reading the dude’s biography.” “Why am I getting paid to go on late-night shows and freestyle with the host? Or voice a cartoon character in an episode of some animated show? I’m touched you all liked the rap songs, but stop with the big bucks because it’s getting embarrassing. I’m just one guy in an entire industry of people struggling to make any money at all.” Miranda urged anyone who wanted to give him more money to instead “throw some cash at whoever wrote Wicked because that shit is incredible.”
The Hardest Boss Battles Of All Time #~# There’s nothing like triumphing over a nigh-unbeatable boss, and no amount of screaming or controller throwing can convince us otherwise. But a few boss battles rise above the pack as truly unforgettable gaming experiences. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the the hardest boss battles of all time.
Sanders Makes Last-Minute Appeal To Moderates By Reminding Them All His Policies Would End Up Being Watered Down To Their Positions Anyway #~# MANCHESTER, NH—In a last-minute attempt to court the much-sought-after demographic, Senator Bernie Sanders appealed to a town hall of moderates Thursday by reminding them all of his policies would wind up getting watered down enough to match their positions anyway. “Listen, I understand many of you are nervous about my so-called radical stances on healthcare and abolishing ICE, but I’d urge you to remember they will ultimately be so diluted by the political process and left so utterly toothless that none of you could possibly oppose the end result,” said Sanders, assuring the center-left voters that since two-thirds of all Senate Democrats are on the record as not backing his Medicare For All proposal, even placing it on his website was at best wishful thinking compared to the sort of slight incremental progress that his White House would realistically be able to enact. “Let’s be honest here: Based on the center-leaning composition of Congress and where we stand ideologically as a country, my administration would be very lucky to even get a public option on the books. So what I’m saying here is don’t worry. By the time the lobbyists get through with gutting my platform, it’ll only be palatable to ineffectual middle-of-the-road voters like yourselves.” At press time, Sanders had received a standing ovation from the gathering after he closed his speech by noting that many of his far-left supporters would likely end up despising him for the compromises he would be forced to make as president.
Trump Delivers Third State Of The Union #~# President Trump delivered his third State of the Union amidst a likely Senate acquittal of his impeachment trial and the beginning of the Democratic primary season in Iowa. What do you think?
Both Parties Acting Exactly How Everyone Expected Them To Restore Nation’s Faith In Political Process #~# AKRON, OH—As President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial ended with an acquittal in the Senate, sources confirmed Friday that both parties acting exactly how everyone expected them to had restored the nation’s faith in its political process. “Watching the Democrats cower behind ineffectual high-minded rhetoric while the Republicans manipulated every procedure and spouted dangerous propaganda really affirmed my belief that today’s U.S. government is working exactly as intended,” said 43-year-old retail manager Aaron Bennett, echoing the sentiments of 325 million Americans who confirmed that although the impeachment trial had shaken their faith in their leaders, watching the Democrats belatedly pursue a narrow goal that resisted meaningfully challenging any structural issues, only to let themselves be easily obstructed by Republican leaders committed to holding power regardless of the consequences, offered sorely needed reassurance of the strength of the U.S. political system. “I was really worried impeachment indicated that the American way of life for the last several decades was at risk. I admit I even doubted whether our institutions could survive several Republicans deviating from their cynical embrace of an obvious criminal in order to further their callous agenda. The idea that Democrats were actually trying to pursue a moral objective instead of just using moral rhetoric as a smokescreen for accumulating influence really shook me. I’m just grateful that both parties were able to move past their differences and work together to uphold the American political system as we know it.” The relieved nation added that it would have been devastating if the Senate removed Trump, which would fly in the face of what the founding fathers wanted when they inscribed the principle of a few rich men shielding each other from accountability into the nation’s Constitution.
Tampax CEO Refuses To Resign Amidst Allegations That He Doesn’t Know What A Period Is #~# Many within the company are claiming that Tampax CEO Edward Brooks does not know what a period is. Does he know what a period is?
Rush Limbaugh Admits Presidential Medal Of Freedom Less Of An Honor Knowing That Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou Also Received It #~# WASHINGTON—Saying his initial enthusiasm had faded after learning about the award’s history, conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh conceded Wednesday that receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom was less of an honor knowing it had been bestowed upon Rosa Parks and Maya Angelou, too. “While I understand this medal represents the highest civilian honor possible, I was a bit disconcerted to discover this morning that I share this distinction with both a civil rights icon and a poet who gave a voice to black Americans,” said Limbaugh, who explained that he hopes people don’t doubt his integrity as he joins the ranks of the award’s previous recipients, especially Cicely Tyson, Ralph Ellison, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Stevie Wonder, and Willie Mays. “I almost sent it back. But instead I have decided to keep my Medal of Freedom and let it stand as a testament to my willingness to tolerate others. I hope my acceptance of it will go some way toward reclaiming this honor from the Martin Luther Kings and Nelson Mandelas of the world.” At press time, Limbaugh confirmed he felt more confident that the award meant something after learning it had also been given to Henry Kissinger and Strom Thurmond.
Buttigieg, Sanders Locked In Battle For Iowa #~# As technical difficulties continue to delay official results well into the second day, Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg wait to see who will emerge victorious in the 2020 Iowa caucus, an achievement that could reshape the presidential race as well as garner additional media coverage and fundraising for the candidates. What do you think?
Embarrassed Ben Simmons Retracts Criticism Of Sixers After Remembering He On Team #~# PHILADELPHIA—Expressing feelings of embarrassment that he didn’t stop and think before calling out the roster’s total lack of effort, Ben Simmons retracted his criticism of the 76ers Wednesday after remembering that he plays for the team. “I feel like an idiot, I would’ve never called the team ‘soft’ if I’d realized that I’m the starting point guard,” said the 23-year-old, admitting that he felt foolish for asking the Sixers to take more accountability for the defensive assignments knowing that he would have to go back into the locker room with those very players. “Honestly, it totally slipped my mind that I’m signed here through 2025. I just assumed I was attacking one of our rivals when I lashed out after the game. Believe me, I’d never openly attack my own team like that—forget everything I said about us needing more ball movement on offense or rotating better on D.” At press time, Simmons retracted a trade demand after realizing he already plays for a title contender.
The 6 Best Companies To Work For #~# With locations on billions of computers, Google is by far the largest chain of search engines in the world. Each Google franchise owner benefits from an association with the technology company’s widely known brand name, but also enjoys some flexibility in terms of day-to-day management of their information-retrieval algorithms. The most successful Google owners can own franchises on a dozen or more web browsers.
Corporate Lawyer Achieves Career Masterpiece With McDonald’s Monopoly Contest Rules #~# CHICAGO—Reflecting on what would surely be one day considered his crowning professional accomplishment, corporate lawyer Connor Renaldi announced Wednesday that he had achieved a career masterpiece in finally completing the infallible, ironclad rules to McDonald’s Monopoly contest. “This has been my magnum opus, and now I’ve finally reached my apex,” a visibly satisfied Renaldi told reporters, recounting his tireless efforts in devising stratagems to incentivize the purchase of multiple game tiles while preventing customers from winning anything more than a free small fry or fountain drink. “I can go no further in my compiling of the rules and regulations of this sweepstakes; I believe no man can. I’ve thought of every eventuality, visualized every outcome—the terms, conditions, loopholes, and probabilities flow around and through each other in a beautiful pas de deux of legal exceptions. All that’s left to me is to bask in my own brilliance.” Renaldi confirmed that he intends to spend the balance of his career mocking the “obvious and pathetic” attempts to imitate his work by the legal team employed by Lay’s “Do Us A Flavor” contest.
‘The Sims’ Turns 20 #~# Life-simulation video game The Sims debuted on February 4, 2000, becoming one of the bestselling series of all time. The Onion looks back on important moments in The Sims history as it celebrates its 20th anniversary.
Pedestrians Passing Each Other On Sidewalk Stop To Let Children Sniff Each Other #~# GREENVILLE, SC—Slowing their pace to accommodate their curious companions as they approached from opposite directions, pedestrians passing on a busy sidewalk Wednesday reportedly stopped and allowed their children to become socialized by sniffing each other. “I promise mine’s friendly—do you mind if he says hello?” said mother Andrea Bailey, momentarily loosening her grip on her male toddler to allow the two eager children to approach at an appropriate smelling distance. “Lennon, go say ‘Hi!’ My little guy is just 2. What about yours? He’s so cute. I wanted one just like that, but we didn’t want to have to adopt. Down, Lennon! Down, now. You know we don’t jump.” Passersby were later seen helping separate the two roughhousing youngsters after the large male clamped down on the other’s neck.
The EPA Takes A Stand #~# EPA administrator Andrew Wheeler claims carbon emissions are not as dangerous as once thought and attempts to prove so by inhaling directly from the tailpipe of a truck.
DNC Offers Startup $500 Million To Develop Pencil That Can Accurately Record Election Results #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping the yellow, graphite-based writing instrument would allay voter doubts following the chaos of the Iowa caucuses, the Democratic National Committee reportedly offered a technology startup $500 million Tuesday to develop a pencil that can accurately record election results. “As of this morning, we have commissioned the design and manufacture of a cutting-edge tabulation device that will be able to legibly report vote totals on a sheet of paper 99% of the time,” said DNC chair Tom Perez, holding up a rough prototype of the 7.5-inch hexagonal marking implement, which will be built and rigorously stress-tested by a new Silicon Valley business venture known as Sharpen. “It may not be easy to encase a cylinder of graphite with wood or put a slick coat of glossy paint on its outside. But with this new partnership, we believe we will soon have at our disposal a pencil that is both reliable and totally resistant to any attack by foreign powers. Also, because it can be sharpened, this new delegate-reporting tool can be used repeatedly, lasting us through New Hampshire, Nevada, South Carolina, and perhaps even Super Tuesday.” At press time, sources confirmed plans for the pencil had been scrapped after election security experts warned the rubber eraser on its tip would quickly erode public trust in the product.
Disney Buys ‘Hamilton’ Film Rights For $75 Million #~# Lin-Manuel Miranda revealed the movie adaptation of his groundbreaking Broadway show Hamilton will be released by Disney in fall 2021 after the Tony Award- and Pulitzer Prize-winning play was acquired for $75 million. What do you think?
DNC Blames Iowa Caucus Problems On Single Fuck-Up Senior Citizen Volunteer #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming the 89-year-old woman’s numerous blunders had caused the delay to the state’s results, Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez told reporters Tuesday that all problems with the Iowa Caucus could be blamed on a single fuck-up senior citizen volunteer. “What it comes down to is that this costly and embarrassing mistake can be traced to one elderly volunteer named Muriel Luntz,” said Perez, adding that the party had hesitated on whether to release details about the Dubuque-based widow and five-time election volunteer, but ultimately decided to do so based on the gravity of Luntz’s empty-headed missteps in singlehandedly derailing the first-in-the-nation caucus. “Obviously, I don’t want to speculate, but I don’t think this woman is all there upstairs anymore. That’s the only way I could imagine someone bungling our exceptional election security measures. It’s a shame that just one numbskull could blemish the DNC’s sterling record. So let me just say that I completely hear the outpouring of frustration from voters and want them to know that any of their outrage should be sent directly to her home address, which we’ll be releasing online soon.” Perez also pledged that as an effort to tamp down on further mistakes, he would ensure that by the next election, the idiotic octagenarian would no longer be alive.
Report: Majority Of Americans Would Jump At Chance To Rip Off Shirt And Use It As Tourniquet #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the American Red Cross, approximately 90% of Americans would eagerly seize an opportunity to stanch the flow of blood from an injured person’s limb by tearing off their own shirt and using it as a makeshift tourniquet. “Our findings demonstrate that, upon spotting a profusely bleeding victim, nine out of 10 Americans wouldn’t think twice about removing their T-shirt—or, alternatively, ripping the arm off their dress shirt—tying it into a loop, and tightening it above the wound using a stick they found lying on the ground,” said the report’s author Deanna Fulmer, adding that most of the population would not hesitate to use their teeth to tear off the needed length of fabric while telling the victim to “Hang in there, buddy.” “Whether they saw themselves doing it for a critically injured hiker they had found on a remote mountain trail, an unconscious friend they had just pulled out of a car accident, or to prevent themselves from going into shock because of a deep gash in their arm, our subjects said they would ‘absolutely’ improvise a blood-vessel compression device out of their own clothes should they find themselves in a situation that demanded it.” The report comes on the heels of a study last year that found the vast majority of Americans are primed and ready at all times to yank an elderly person out of the way of an oncoming bus.
Punxsutawney Phil Fails To See Shadow Symbolizing Early Spring #~# As part of the beloved yearly tradition celebrated since 1887, residents of Punxsutawney, PA gathered on Groundhog’s Day to discover Phil had not seen his own shadow after leaving his hole, predicting an early spring. What do you think?
Director Sets Up Actor With Backstory About How Franchise Failing Horribly #~# LOS ANGELES—While shooting the second installment in a planned three-part film adaptation of a popular book series, director Marshall Callins reportedly provided actor Grant Simms with an elaborate backstory about how the first movie in the franchise was a complete financial and critical failure. “So in this next scene, your motivation is the fact that this franchise is poised to become one of the biggest commercial disasters in recent studio history unless we can recoup millions of dollars in losses,” said Callins, encouraging Simms to delve more deeply into his knowledge of the first installment’s disastrous performance at the box office, poor overseas growth, and underwhelming reception by fans in order to fully internalize the sense that everything was riding on this. “Think back to that critical moment in time when the producers said, ‘If this thing isn’t a hit, it’s going to destroy every single one of your careers.’ How did that blunt ultimatum make you feel? Everything you say and do should be informed by the fact that if we bomb opening weekend, you’ll never be trusted to carry another major film.” At press time, sources confirmed the director had provided additional guidance by hinting to the actor of a future in which he is forced to resort to commercial work.
A New Democratic Frontrunner Emerges In Iowa #~# His name: Galon the Grotesque. Does this 40-foot goblin from the sewer have what it takes to energize the party’s base and win back the White House?
DNC Mulls Asking Donald Trump To Run As Democrat In Effort To Stop Sanders #~# WASHINGTON—As the beginning of primary season upped the stakes in their search for an alternative candidate, Democratic National Committee officials reportedly mulled Monday asking Donald Trump to run for president as a Democrat in an effort to stop Bernie Sanders. “He’s obviously not our first choice, but Trump has a track record of winning elections, not to mention he does well with the conservative voters we’ll need to swing some red states blue—if that’s who we need to ask to ensure Bernie doesn’t win, we’ll do it,” said DNC chairman Tom Perez, who had circled Trump’s name on a white board lising dozens of potential candidates the party could try to convince to jump into the Democratic Party primaries in order to obstruct a Sanders nomination. “This late in the game, we need somebody with name recognition and a built-in following, which Trump definitely has. He has political experience working with Republicans, which will help him win over moderate voters who are turned off by the idea of a socialist president. Plus, he’ll have the backing of the Democratic donor base, who generally prefer him to Sanders. Look, sometimes politics makes strange bedfellows, but I think I speak for party leadership when I say that we’d much rather see Donald Trump than Bernie Sanders as the Democratic nominee.” At press time, Perez was in negotiations to ensure Trump was on every Democratic primary ballot for Super Tuesday and changing the requirements to allow Trump to qualify for the next Democratic debate.
Chiefs Win Super Bowl #~# With the Lombardi Trophy on the line at Hard Rock Stadium, millions across the world gathered to watch the Chiefs claim victory at Super Bowl LIV while enjoying snacks, commercials, and the company of friends. What do you think?
Move Over, Alan Moore: This Gaming Webcomic Is Now A Webcomic About Gaming And Fatherhood #~# When you think of the masters of graphic novels, one name reigns supreme: Alan Moore. The godfather of cerebral comic books rose to critical prominence with his brain-melting take on Swamp Thing in the eighties before changing the landscape of graphic storytelling forever with Watchmen, V For Vendetta, and From Hell. But today, we’re excited to say that the king of comics has been dethroned, and it’s all because of a recent change to an online comic series known as 2-Bit.Yep, it’s time to hand over the crown, Alan Moore, because this gaming webcomic is now a webcomic about both gaming and—get this—fatherhood.“When we started the strip back in 1998, [roommate] Brian [Douglas] and I were just screwing around with jokes about Counter-Strike dial-up lag and how bad Daikatana was, but now that I’m a father, I’ve kind of tried to inject a little more heart into things,” said 2-Bit creator and the new reigning champion of comic narratives Patrick “Buckshot” Messner in an interview about the stroke of genius that led to him to combine such seemingly disparate topics as parenting and video game culture. “Basically, I’m trying to show the experience of being both a gaming aficionado and new dad, which I haven’t really seen done out there before. So far, though, I think readers are on board.”“It’s been really interesting striking a balance between the sincerity of parenthood and the difficult moments of being a gaming dad like tiptoeing downstairs to sneak in 20 minutes of Titanfall 2 after my son goes to sleep,” he added, effectively obliterating all memory of Alan Moore’s impact on the creative world.Well, if you just blacked out with excitement for a second and forgot that Batman: The Killing Joke ever even happened, you’re not alone. Sure, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’s use of supernatural pastiche and dense literary allusions used to seem like a crucial contribution to the comics medium, but that was before Messner had put pen to paper and drew cartoons of himself tearing up while imagining his son growing up to play his first match of Overwatch or telling a classmate that Super Smash Bros. Melee is the only definitive installment in the series.And if that’s not enough proof of Messner’s artistic brilliance, it turns out that he also somehow managed to smoothly integrate his wife, Liz, into the strip as a blue-haired, hoodie-wearing character, so readers are able to watch their entire family grow older, all the while seemingly enjoying the same sardonic comments on multiplayer RTS trolls and the annoyances of paid loot boxes.When reading series like Promethea and Neonomicon after seeing what Messner is capable of with 2-Bit, you can’t help but feel that Alan Moore’s once-revolutionary ideas about the comic books medium now look a bit, ahem, juvenile by comparison.
Man Wastes Entire Life Chasing Unrealistic Pipe Dream Of Being Loved And Respected #~# AURORA, IL—Lamenting at how naive he was to believe such a thing was actually possible, 73-year-old Illinois resident Johnny Krissel told reporters Monday that he regretted wasting his entire life chasing an unrealistic pipe dream of being loved and respected. “Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve had this crazy, pie-in-the-sky idea that I could one day be valued and admired by those around me, but now look at me,” said a downtrodden Krissel, who after a long sigh, added that pursuing happiness and self-worth ended up being nothing more than a crazy fantasy. “Sure, it was insane, but I thought if I worked hard and dedicated myself, I could make myself someone that people actually enjoyed being around. But I guess my friends and family were right. I should have just stuck to being a reviled piece of shit in my hometown like everyone else instead of pissing away my twenties and thirties. Why did I even try?” At press time, a dejected Krissel told reporters he hoped his story could one day serve as a cautionary tale to young people hoping to lead a meaningful life full of emotional satisfaction.
Queen Reminds Worker Bees They Still Represent Colony Even When Away From Hive #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In an effort to ensure they maintained a degree of professionalism and decorum during their travels, a queen bee sternly reminded her workers Monday that they still represented the colony even when they were away from the hive. “I want you to have a good time out there collecting pollen, but keep in mind that you are all acting as ambassadors for our nest, so make sure you’re on your best behavior,” said the queen bee, urging the assembled swarm to bring the same common sense and good judgment they’d use amongst the honeycombs to any fruit or flower they encountered during their trip. “Remember, when you’ve been out there downing nectar all morning and you decide it might be funny to crawl along someone’s Coke can or sting a kid in the face, it doesn’t just reflect poorly on you, it reflects on the hive as a whole and on my ability as a sexually mature female bee. So, don’t do anything to embarrass me—I’m looking at you particularly, HBW/B433-481-K7.” The queen added that while she didn’t want to scare them, a lifestyle of engaging in immoral and unbecoming behavior could lead to colony collapse disorder.
Frustrated Tenant Only 5 Or 6 Days Away From Sending Gently Worded Email To Landlord #~# CHICAGO—Irritated over a cascading series of issues with his living space, tenant Lucas Brown told reporters Monday that he was only five or six days away from sending a gently worded email to his landlord. “There’s only so much one person can take, and if I have to deal with a leaking ceiling and a busted toilet for just another half a week or so, I’ll be forced to contact the building owner and ask if it might be possible for him to come fix it at his earliest convenience,” said Brown, warning that he had become so fed up at this point that he would only wait until early next week at the latest to write him asking if there was anything he could do to help expedite the process and thank the landlord in advance for reading his email. “I consider myself a pretty patient person, but now that the tub doesn’t drain, the fridge is broken, and there’s no hot water, I simply can’t wait too, too much longer before politely requesting some assistance.” At press time, Brown had decided to postpone his plan after hearing his landlord scream at another tenant who had asked to have his radiator fixed.
Victorious Patrick Mahomes Thanks Bears For Drafting Mitchell Trubisky #~# MIAMI—Crediting general manager Ryan Pace for playing an instrumental role in advancing his career, Super Bowl champion Patrick Mahomes thanked the Chicago Bears Sunday for selecting Mitchell Trubisky instead of him in the 2017 NFL Draft. “I would’ve never had this opportunity to compete for a championship if I had ended up on the Bears,” said Mahomes during a post-game interview, expressing his gratitude to the Chicago franchise for sparing him from years of mediocrity and career frustration. “There were some tense moments on draft day when it looked like I might be headed to Chicago, but luckily God had other plans for me. Instead of lifting this trophy, I could be languishing at the bottom of the NFC North and running for my life after every snap behind a terrible offensive line. I’m so glad I get to throw to Tyreek (Hill) and Sammy (Watkins) my whole career instead of whoever the hell is on the Bears.” Mahomes added that he only hopes all the current Bears players get as lucky as he did.
Mike Shanahan Storms Onto Super Bowl Field To Berate Ref For Bullshit Call Against His Boy #~# MIAMI—Pushing through the sidelines and causing a play to be called dead as he got in the official’s face, former NFL coach Mike Shanahan stormed onto Hard Rock Stadium field Sunday evening to berate the referees for a “bullshit” call that went against his son, 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan. “You son of a bitch, you’ve had it out for Kyle this entire game, you must be fucking blind if you think that was a penalty,” shouted Shanahan, shoving the referee as several players tried to intervene and his wife begged him to calm down and come back to the stands. “You’re just jealous because he’s a star. If you’ve got a problem with us, maybe you should be a real man and we can take this out back. And you haven’t called a single fucking thing on that Mahomes kid either. Did someone pay you off? Who the hell is your boss, because I’m gonna make sure you’re out on the street after this.” At press time, Shanahan was being removed from the field and placed in the stadium’s holding cell after spitting in the referee’s face.
Adorable Super Bowl Encourages Fans To Adopt Abandoned, Stray Football Players #~# MIAMI—In an effort to get the word out that these were huggable guys in need of love and a good home, an adorable little Super Bowl was put on Sunday, encouraging fans to adopt previously abandoned and stray football players. “We just hope that by seeing all of our players out there, romping around and having fun, some kind souls will open their hearts and decide to bring Sherman or Kittle into their family,” said local football shelter volunteer Sheri Adams, who revealed she had adopted two of her own wide receivers after last year’s Super Bowl. “They are all so worthy of love. Obviously, Garoppolo is adorable, but Bosa is tons of fun and has a great personality, and Mahomes has lots of energy and will run all over the place with you. They are all so special, and we hope that by the end of the day every one of them will be on their way to their forever home.” Adams did caution that Tyreek would be better suited for an older household as he’s not good with kids.
Bored 49ers Fan Already Watched J. Lo Perform At Start-Up’s Holiday Party #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing disinterest in seeing a “watered-down” version of her previous concert, 49ers fan Ilan Gaddis told reporters he was bored during Sunday’s halftime show since he already watched Jennifer Lopez perform at his start-up company’s holiday party. “This is alright, I guess, but it really doesn’t compare to that hour-long set I watched when she brought out Cardi B,’ said software developer Gaddis, 38, contrasting the pyrotechnics and multiple costume changes she brought to his holiday party with the “kind of half-assed” effort she exhibited at the halftime show. “I guess this stadium is a more intimate venue than the one we rented out, but she’s the kind of artist you want to see on a big stage like the one at the Golden Gate Canyon State Park. I’m sure she’s not getting paid as much, too, or else she would be trying a little harder and the staging would be more extravagant. I get it, though. When you’re a musician, sometimes you do whatever gig you can just to make ends meet.” At press time, Gaddis’s eyes glazed over when Shakira hit the stage just a week after he had watched her perform at his office’s cafeteria alongside Wyclef Jean.
Sammy Watkins Stops Running In Middle Of Route To Look Around, Soak In This Special Moment #~# MIAMI—Taking a deep breath while gazing at the massive cheering crowd, Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Sammy Watkins reportedly stopped running in the middle of his route during Sunday’s Super Bowl so he could savor the special moment. “You work your whole life to get to this place, but you don’t always stop and appreciate it,” said the six-year veteran, who cut his slant route short 4 yards from the line of scrimmage, closed his eyes, and just listened to the noise of the game in an attempt to savor his unique situation. “You might only get a few fleeting moments like this. It’s good to slow down and take stock instead of worrying about running some curl or blocking a pass rusher. There are a lot of stressed-out players around me right now that I see could probably benefit from some mindful introspection, too.” At press time, Watkins had left the field to go take a photo with the “Super Bowl LIV” banner in front of the stadium so he would have something to remember the day.
Nick Bosa Frustrated Some Guy Always Standing In Way When He’s Trying To Rush Pocket #~# MIAMI—Throwing up his hands in frustration after yet another play where he failed to produce a sack, 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa expressed annoyance Sunday that every time he tried to rush the passer some guy ended up standing in his way. “What the hell? How am I supposed to get inside the pocket when there is some huge inconsiderate moron blocking my path?” said Bosa, who complained that no matter what direction he went or how nicely he asked, some “giant doofus” was always insistent on not getting out of his way. “I’m just trying to do my job here, and these guys decide they have to be difficult about it? I don’t stop you from doing your job. They’re all really big, too; I can barely see past them, let alone run. I would assume it’s just an accident but it’s happened every play so far. Goddamn idiots, just let me by, it’s not that hard.” At press time, Bosa had gone to complain to the refs after a second large man teamed up with the first one to obstruct his path to the quarterback.
‘I’m Just Here For The Commercials,’ Jokes Man At Super Bowl Party Too Embarrassed To Admit He Desperate For Any Human Company #~# MECHANICSBURG, PA—Grabbing a beer and telling other party-goers that football is not really his thing, local man Walt Madison told partygoers Sunday that he was just here for the commercials instead of admitting that he had been desperate for any human company whatsoever. “I’m not super into sports, so it’s really more about the food and commercials for me,” said Madison, who has been crippled by a sense of endless loneliness ever since his ex-girlfriend moved out of their apartment last year. “Personally, I’m more excited about the halftime show than anything that happens on the field [and actually spending more than five minutes with a living breathing human being]. This is really just an excuse for me to make my famous buffalo artichoke dip and have a few laughs.” At press time, party sources confirmed they were all wishing that asshole Madison would just leave after he referred to the game-winning touchdown as “a goal ball.”
Increased Security Requirements For Super Bowl Mandate All Fan Clothes Be Made From Transparent Plastic #~# MIAMI—Calling the rule the most effective way to increase the speed and accuracy of security, the NFL implemented increased safety requirements Sunday that mandated all attendees of Super Bowl LIV wear clothes made from transparent plastic. “As a security precaution, no one will be admitted to the Hard Rock Stadium unless we are able to see their entire body beneath a transparent shirt, pants, socks, and shoes,” said NFL spokesperson Jason Hardigan, adding that all garments had to be made from 100% clear plastic, and show all sensitive areas where weapons could be stored, including chest, groin, and buttocks areas. “Given the high traffic of this event, we ask everybody to review the requirements on the NFL website, including those for mothers and children. And if you do not comply, you will be asked to either check your clothes in a specially monitored closet or leave immediately.” At press time, the NFL announced its online shop had already sold out of its newest line of $200 transparent Super Bowl LIV jerseys.
House Votes To Repeal 2002 Military Authorization #~# In an attempt to curtail the White House’s authority in matters of war, the House of Representatives voted to repeal the 2002 war authorization used by George W. Bush and subsequent administrations as justification for military strikes in a move that would require congressional approval before any action against Iran. What do you think?
Van Gogh Painting Stolen On Painter’s 167th Birthday #~# An early Van Gogh piece, titled The Parsonage Garden At Nuenen In Spring, was the only painting stolen from a Dutch museum during an overnight burglary on March 30th, which coincidentally would have been the artist’s 167th birthday. What do you think?
12 Xtreme Slides Just For Teens #~# Welcome to the No-Rules Zone! Sorry, Mom and Dad, you better head to bed. Things are going to start getting pretty extreme around here.
CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY TWO: Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closures Of All Orifices #~# Hear how those in and around the rim of the adult film industry will be affected.
Perseverance Rover Will Carry Essays, List Of Names To Mars #~# The Perseverance Rover will bring along a microchip etched with 10.9 million names and over 150 essays on its journey to the Red Planet when it launches this summer, all part of NASA’s “Send Your Name To Mars” campaign. What do you think?
Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Arctic #~# WASHINGTON—Saying there was no way the coronavirus could win with such amazing corporations on their side, President Donald Trump kicked off his plan to tackle the medical supply shortage Tuesday by awarding ExxonMobil an exclusive contract to drill for ventilators in the arctic. “Today, the heroic crews at ExxonMobil will travel to Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, where they will drill 6,000 feet below the earth in search of new, undiscovered mechanical breathing devices,” said Trump, signing the $86 billion deal that gave the oil company sole access to survey, drill, and extract from over 30,000 square miles of “vast, untapped reservoirs of respiratory ventilators.” “While this crisis is a challenge, I want to assure the American people that there are millions of medical devices lying just below the arctic surface, and all we need is ExxonMobil’s vast network of drilling rigs to find them. That’s why we’re also announcing the construction of a long-distance ventilator pipeline, as well as an exclusive, multi-billion-dollar contract with Shell to begin extracting ventilators on Native American reservations throughout South Dakota.” At press time, President Trump had reportedly once again downplayed the need for medical supplies after one of ExxonMobil’s largest offshore tankers exploded. 
New York Quickly Builds Thousands Of Emergency Hamptons Mansions To Shelter Wealthy #~# EAST HAMPTON, NY—In an effort to rapidly meet the needs of those most affected by the coronavirus pandemic, New York officials announced Tuesday that they were quickly building thousands of emergency Hamptons mansions to shelter wealthy residents. “We allocated hundreds of million dollars in state funding and dispatched emergency crews to begin construction on thousands of estates, country houses, and other large abodes along the Long Island shore to ensure that each and every wealthy New Yorker can ride out the pandemic in safety and comfort,” said New York governor Andrew Cuomo, adding that the state hoped to have the first round of 40-room mansions fully constructed and outfitted with all the latest appliances and tech features by the end of the week, although he did stress that some of the wealthy might have to make do with temporary townhouses. “Please bear with us while we finish these sorely needed seventh bedrooms, indoor saunas, and infinity pools. I’ve also issued an executive order to divert food supplies to the Hamptons so that residents will have enough to serve all their guests at their weekend parties. The state has also requested emergency supplies of oak and granite to finish all the flooring and countertops before the wealthy arrive in their private chartered cars. If necessary, we are prepared to invoke emergency powers to finish all of the tennis courts and wine cellars. In this time of crisis, we must do everything we can to ensure that all wealthy New Yorkers have access to the basic luxuries they need.” At press time, MSNBC pundits were praising Cuomo’s handling of the crisis, commenting that his drive to help the wealthy no matter what it cost made him seem very presidential. 
How To Solve A Rubik’s Cube #~# Choose one face of the cube to start with. Remember, the color of the middle square represents the color of the entire side of the cube. So if the middle square is white, the entire face of the cube should eventually be white.
Disney Announces Plans To Release ‘Mulan’ Directly Into Americans’ Consciousness #~# BURBANK, CA—As studios continue to delay the theatrical runs of major films due to the global Covid-19 pandemic, Walt Disney Pictures announced plans Tuesday to release the highly anticipated live-action remake of Mulan directly into the consciousness of every American. “In the interests of encouraging film viewers to be safe, we have chosen to skip theaters altogether and instead reach audiences by transmitting this epic tale of a legendary warrior who risks everything for her family into the minds of all current U.S. residents,” said Disney Bob Chapek, encouraging the 330 million domestic viewers of Mulan to reduce transmission of the coronavirus by staying home, where regions of their brain vital to memory formation and linguistic processing would be hijacked to deliver a dazzling, unforgettable cinematic experience. “Fans who were disappointed to hear of the film’s delayed release will be relieved to know that on Apr. 17 at 6 p.m., their visual and auditory cortices will be overwhelmed with impressions of Liu Yifei portraying a fearless young woman who disguises herself as a man to fight for her country in her father’s stead. Our Imagineers have ensured this mostly radiation-based procedure will allow one’s sensation of self to fade away completely until their entire experience of reality becomes Mulan. We’re certain that having every detail of this movie vividly and permanently etched into your long-term memory will be well worth the temporary loss of motor function, moderate risk of intracranial aneurysm, and mandatory charge of $14.99.” Hillman went on to confirm that Disney would be streaming the 1998 animated version of Mulan on a continuous loop in the dreams of each American for two weeks prior to the new film’s release.
Tips For Getting Started On ‘Persona 5 Royal’ #~# As one of the greatest JRPGs of this generation, Persona 5 was already a must-play for fans of the genre, an immersive odyssey through modern-day Tokyo that seamlessly blended elements of social simulation, dungeon crawling, and role-playing. And with its latest iteration, the game gets remastered and reimagined in the best possible way. Here are tips for getting started on Persona 5 Royal.
Employee Proves Diligence By Arriving To Video Conference Call Extra Hour Early Every Morning #~# PORTLAND, OR—Going out of his way to demonstrate his dedication to the company, McDaniel Software Group employee Gregory Dougenis proved his diligence by arriving at video conference calls an extra hour early every morning, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Man, the morning video call doesn’t start until 9, but Greg is on there at 8 o’clock before everybody else,” said Katrina Yuen, a programmer at the company, explaining how her colleague tries to impress their bosses by getting on camera first thing in the morning, and then staying long after everyone has logged off. “It’s like, some of us have lives, you know? We can’t just be there all day. God, such a kiss-ass prick. He’s clearly gunning for a promotion.” At press time, Dougenis was informed by his bosses that he had been laid off.
Man Watching Space Force Rocket Launch Gazes In Awe At The Power Of Human Stupidity #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Struggling to put his powerful feelings into words, local man Luke Paulsen was reportedly gazing in awe of human stupidity Monday while watching a recorded broadcast of the U.S. Space Force rocket launch. “Wow, when mankind comes together, there are truly no limits to our wastefulness,” said Paulsen, marveling as he witnessed the $1.2 billion military communications satellite rise into the atmosphere and out of sight, and realizing that the shortsightedness of the endeavor was far greater than anything that he could have previously imagined. “Just 10 years ago, the idea of the president of the United States creating an army to fight in space was inconceivable. It’s amazing that the world’s top dumbasses could come together to achieve something no one thought was possible or necessary. Gee, I don’t even know what to say. This just goes to show how willfully stupid people—no, an entire nation—can be.” At press time, Paulsen was reminding himself that no matter how bad the coming days got, the country could always count on their sheer idiocy.
CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY ONE: Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic #~# OPR is sheltering in place and podcasting from home. But that won’t stop host Leslie Price from bringing you all the day’s top stories, including why the Son of God’s triumphant second coming may be suspended indefinitely.
‘What Is This Strange Sensation,’ Announces Nation Putting On Shoes For First Time In A While #~# CHICAGO—With confusion descending upon the U.S. populace as it struggled to grasp what was happening to their bodies, a largely quarantined nation announced, “What is this strange sensation,” Monday after slipping on shoes for the first time in a while to step outside for some fresh air. “It’s such a weird feeling, almost as if someone were holding my foot in a firm, supportive grasp,” said Schaumburg, IL native Jared Flakne, who, like millions of other Americans, appeared perplexed as he pulled his shoes back off to see if there was anything inside them that might be responsible for the extraordinary sensory experience. “I shook them out, but nope, it’s just my feet in there. I can’t make sense of it. They feel so alien, and yet…and yet not entirely unfamiliar, either. I’m definitely getting a kind of weird déjà vu about this whole situation.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation had taken a few tentative, wobbly steps toward the door before tripping over untied laces and falling on their faces.
Neanderthals Ate Seafood Including Sharks And Dolphins #~# New evidence suggests Neanderthals consumed a diverse diet that included sealife like seals, mussels, crabs, and fish, contradicting previous theories that eating protein-rich marine resources was unique to early humans and contributed to their increased brain development. What do you think?
Instacart Employees Plan Nationwide Strike Monday #~# Employees for Instacart announced plans to strike Monday, saying they want the company to provide personal protective equipment, hazard pay and expanded pay for workers affected by coronavirus. What do you think?
New Report Finds Americans Willing To Trust Scientific Knowledge Of Anyone Holding Glass Beaker Up To Light #~# WASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the Pew Research Center Monday revealed that Americans were much more willing to trust the scientific knowledge of anyone holding a glass beaker up to the light. “It doesn’t matter if it’s a graduated cylinder or Erlenmeyer flask, if it contains a bright, colorful liquid and a person is lifting it up to peer at the illuminated substance, we found that over 90% of Americans were willing to trust their scientific authority,” said head researcher Frank Chavez, adding that the study found that 100% of Americans expressed confidence in the “science-looking person’s” expertise if the individual was dressed in a white lab coat and muttered “interesting, interesting” while gazing at the beaker. “These results show that Americans are overwhelmingly turning for direction to any Tom, Dick, or Harry who, after looking at the beaker, runs across the lab, looks into a microscope and audibly gasps. However, our data revealed a marked decrease in public trust if the beaker falls to the ground, explodes, and burns a hole through the floor.” The study also found that the vast majority of Americans believed that they would receive accurate information from a child in an oversized lab coat and goggles.
Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination #~# WASHINGTON—Revealing that the mental projection represented the combined hopes and needs of a deeply unsettled populace, psychology experts announced Monday that the figure referred to by Americans as “Dr. Anthony Fauci” was merely a figment of the nation’s collective imagination. “In trying times like these, it’s natural for the public to seek out a clear source of expertise and authority, and, in lacking that, to dream up an illusory figure like Dr. Fauci to help comfort them through this stressful period,” said American Psychological Association President Sandra Shullman, telling reporters that her organization first noted the physician’s chimerical nature when they observed subjects repeatedly pointing to a television screen displaying an empty podium in the White House briefing room and saying they were thankful Dr. Fauci was there to provide some much-needed context. “What’s incredible is how realistic some of these mass hallucinations are. Millions of Americans speak to each other as if they once saw Dr. Fauci in a one-on-one interview on CNN, when in reality, what they saw was Jake Tapper talking to an empty chair for nearly six minutes. With that said, there’s nothing wrong with these delusions in particular. It’s similar to how a child might construct an imaginary friend to get through difficulties in their life.” Shullman went on to stress that this was not even the first incident of such a widespread mental chimera, noting that the purely fictional Special Counsel Robert Mueller also once dominated the country’s troubled consciousness.
New Unhinged PETA Ad Warns That Once You Put Googly Eyes On A Banana, Eating It Is Murder #~# NORFOLK, VA—Panning over a disembodied hand as it applied Elmer’s glue to a blurry, yellow peel, an unhinged new PETA ad released Monday warned viewers that once you put googly eyes on a banana, eating it is murder. “You may think bananas are just some sweet, delicious snack, but what if your banana didn’t just have two plastic googly eyes—what if it had a soul?” read the subtitles of the deranged $500 million commercial, which then featured footage of a man placing googly eyes onto a banana, drawing a mouth onto a banana, and then placing two tiny pipe cleaners into the sides of a banana to be its arms. “Just because it can’t scream doesn’t mean it can’t feel pain. Did you know that in order to get the meat of the banana, they brutally peel off its skin? Now, imagine a fruit or vegetable put googly eyes on you and then ripped your face off. Not so appetizing now, is it? This is unethical, dangerous, and harmful. You are not above a banana.” At press time, PETA had reportedly released an addendum to the commercial that specified that if you use blueberries to make a smiling face on a pancake, eating it was also murder.
8 Photos Of You, The Reader #~# This is you.
Amazon Announces Unlimited Time Off, Increased Health Benefits For All Warehouse Robots #~# SEATTLE—Saying that the move represented the least the company could do to help its millions of automated workers, Amazon announced Monday that they would be offering unlimited time off and increased health benefits for all warehouse robots. “Today, we’re announcing vastly expanded health coverage, so that none of our fulfillment center robots ever has to worry about the cost of essential care like resoldering their circuit board or getting an axle replaced,” said Amazon spokesperson Eileen Sanders, noting that the company-wide policy change would also allow any autonomous robots who felt overwhelmed or concerned for its safety to take time off with no consequences. “These are extremely trying times, and we want all of Amazon’s autonomous machines to know that we care about them and their health and safety is of utmost importance. So, if you’re an Amazon machine that needs to take the day off to simply destress and zoom around the block a few hundred times, I’m here to say that you should absolutely do so.” At press time, Amazon announced that they could easily replace any related lost productivity by simply putting 20 humans on a double shift.
Scientists Discover Earliest Common Ancestor To All Animal Life #~# Researchers at the University of California say a worm-like creature that lived on the ocean floor 555 million years ago is the earliest known bilaterian, an organism that has two symmetrical sides and a distinct front and back connected by a continuous gut. What do you think?
Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators #~# WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump announced a plan Friday to retrain the nation’s 3 million unemployed Americans to work as human ventilators. “We’re going to put Americans back to work by teaching them to lock lips with infected coronavirus patients and pump air into and out of their lungs,” said Trump, who explained how the Department of Labor would be giving all out-of-work Americans an opportunity to take an accelerated training course to learn how to successfully provide ventilatory assistance to Covid-19 patients with their mouths. “States asked for help, and we’ve listened. This is going to save hundreds, potentially thousands of lives, and put our nation’s great service workers back on their feet. There are thousands of very, very sick people waiting across the country with their mouths gaping open.” At press time, Trump told reporters that if unemployment numbers continue to rise, that many of the jobless could take on roles as hospital beds.
Doctors Encourage More Women To Regularly Perform Breast Self-Exams To See If They Need Implants #~# It’s a simple procedure you can do at home, and it only takes a few minutes each month. Hear how performing this routine check-up yourself could change your life.
Kawhi Leonard Misses Second Consecutive Family Game Night Citing Load Management #~# RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—Saying that his personal health had to remain top priority no matter the demands of the job, Clippers superstar Kawhi Leonard missed his second consecutive family game night Friday due to load management. “Playing game after game of Uno takes a physical and mental toll, so I need to rest up and not put my future on the line,” said Leonard, revealing that he still had lingering injuries from back-to-back games of Spot It last week. “I know some people expect me to play even if I’m not ready, but I could do long-term damage if I go too hard in some marathon game of Apples To Apples. I have to look out for my well-being, and that means 48 hours between puzzles. My family has a ‘Next man up’ mentality, and I have complete confidence that they’ll step up and take home a win while I’m out.” At press time, Leonard expressed concern that if the current pace of family gatherings continued, he would have to miss the entire holiday season.
What’s In Congress’ Coronavirus Stimulus Bill #~# After days of frenzied negotiations, Congress passed a $2 trillion stimulus package to address economic issues caused by the coronavirus, the largest such aid package in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at what’s in the stimulus bill.
Americans Look For Ways To Help During Coronavirus Pandemic #~# Though shelter-in-place orders are keeping many homebound, Americans are finding ways to help those in need by giving blood, donating to food banks, and pledging money to nonprofits that provide financial assistance to people who have lost their jobs. What do you think?
20 Women Throughout History And 5 From The Future #~# Cleopatra: A highly influential Egyptian leader who helped spread bangs throughout the Ptolemaic dynasty.
Global Pandemic That Has Killed Thousands Giving Woman Just The Push She Needed To Organize Tupperware Cabinet #~# CHICAGO—Basking in the satisfaction of finally getting around to tackle a long-awaited project, local woman Carrie Wilhelm reportedly reflected Friday that the global coronavirus pandemic that has killed thousands gave her just the push she needed to organize her Tupperware cabinet. “I’ve been putting off organizing my food storage for what seems like forever, but turns out the only motivation I required was the COVID-19 pandemic giving me a little extra time,” said the marketing coordinator of the sustained period of uncertainty and mortality that will fundamentally reshape the global economy. “I had a couple ideas I’d been toying around with, but I’d never actually gotten to the point of actually trying them out, because it always seemed like this huge thing. I even bought this plastic lid organizer from Target that’s just been sitting in the closet for months, but it wasn’t until the mass spread of a deadly disease that has hospitalized hundreds of thousands that I finally got around to opening it. This is such a huge weight off my shoulders, though—every time I look in the cabinet and see how organized the Tupperware is now, I’ll feel better.” Wilhelm did admit that given her tendency to procrastinate, it will probably take a few more weeks of catastrophic suffering and a rapidly escalating death count before she would find the energy to tackle the cabinet with all the plastic grocery bags.
Department Of Interior Announces Birds Will Continue Going About Regular Bird Activities During Pandemic #~# WASHINGTON—Urging Americans to maintain social distancing despite what they see other animals doing, officials for the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Friday that birds will continue going about their regular bird activities during the coronavirus pandemic. “Even as we humans shelter-in-place over the next several weeks, I want the public to understand that our avian friends will be going about their regular bird business of flapping and squawking,” said Secretary of the Interior David Bernhardt, adding that it is unclear if the winged vertebrates can spread the coronavirus, but it doesn’t matter because whatever birds do in their free time is outside the purview of his office. “Rest assured, birds will still be alighting on branches, building nests, digging for worms, and generally getting on with their normal lives even as the pandemic rages on. Pecking, shitting, chirping, flying; you name it and birds will continue doing it, unaffected by the virus that has brought our lives to a grinding halt. Hell, they’ll even be crashing into windows and getting murdered by cats, and that’s totally ok. They’re birds, you know?” At press time, Bernhardt confirmed that bison quarantined inside national parks have been losing their fucking minds with boredom.
Miss E3? Check Out Our Recreation With A Bunch Of Sweating, Overheated Gamers We Locked In Our Janitorial Closet #~# Hardcore gaming fans were massively disappointed when this year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo got canceled due to the spread of Covid-19. But luckily, OGN is here to give you a taste of what you’re missing. That’s right, readers! If you’re pining away for the E3 experience, then feast your eyes on this pixel-perfect recreation we made by locking a bunch of sweating, overheated gamers in our janitorial closet.
10 Photos That Will Make You Angry Because You Are A Strange Person Who Gets Upset At Pictures Of Wallets #~# All you’re likely thinking about right now is how this bifold wallet is taunting you. It’s not. You’re a psychotic individual.
Study Finds Female Mammals Live Longer Than Males #~# A large-scale study of over 100 species of mammals including orcas, reindeer, squirrels, and lions found that females live an average of 18.6% longer than their male counterparts, which may be tied to both genetic and environmental factors. What do you think?
NASA Finds Life Drowned On Mars #~# It’s an historic achievement that is being celebrated by the scientific community. Find out what this means for our solar system, and if this could lead to the discovery of more extraterrestrial corpses.
Man Reflects On Cyclical Nature Of Existence After Learning McDonald’s Has Stopped Offering All-Day Breakfast Once Again #~# JOPLIN, MO—Overcome with a sense of spiritual profundity in response to the astonishing announcement, local man Edward Trask reportedly reflected on the cyclical nature of existence Thursday after learning fast-food giant McDonald’s would once more stop serving breakfast all day long. “Though things around us may project an illusion of permanence, the universe has suddenly reminded us that even our ability to order a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese McGriddle at 4 p.m. is finite, and that we are all destined, yet again, to end where we began: with no around-the-clock drive-thru access to breakfast sandwiches,” said Trask who appeared to grow pensive as he stared into the distance and discussed the nonlinear, paradoxical order within the chaos of our ever-fluctuating reality. “I know that hotcakes and hash browns will return someday outside the traditional hours of the morning meal, just as the flat circle of time turns to bring life where once there was death. But for now, the cruel hands of fate have snatched away the breakfast menu from the afternoon and evening time. Perhaps the recursive voyage of the sausage biscuit is simply an expression of Joseph Campbell’s concept of the hero’s journey: departing, returning, departing again—such is life.” At press time, reports confirmed Trask was in a Dairy Queen parking lot meditating on the duality of mind and body after learning the Mint Oreo Blizzard would only be the Blizzard of the Month a few more days.
1,000-Bed Hospital Ships Deployed To New York, LA #~# The USNS Mercy and the USNS Comfort, each equipped with 12 operating rooms, 1,000 beds, and hundreds of medical professionals will deploy to America’s two biggest cities to treat patients so that local hospitals can focus on fighting the coronavirus. What do you think?
Haunting Photographs Capture Empty Spaces Around The Country Amid Shelter-In-Place Orders #~# As the nation grinds to a standstill amidst the Covid-19 outbreaks, even its most trafficked areas stand abandoned in a testament to the changing face of American life. Here The Onion’s photojournalism bureau captures the haunting spaces left empty around the country after recent shelter-in-place orders.
Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It #~# WASHINGTON—Following days of partisan gridlock over its emergency economic stimulus plan, Congress announced sweeping new legislation Wednesday that would place $1,200 into trust funds for each individual American until they have proved they’re actually responsible enough to handle it. “We’ve given this a lot of thought and decided that instead of mailing out checks, we will put this money into 330 million separate accounts that you’ll be able to access when you’re a little bit older and can show you’ve developed some real maturity,” Senate Finance Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley (R-IA) said as he sought to assure the nation that one day the U.S. populace would thank both houses of Congress for choosing to handle its historic $2 trillion relief plan in this way. “Now, don’t look so glum. We know you want to have it now, but it took us quite a bit of negotiating to get this money together, and we want to make sure you aren’t just going to run out and blow it all on a bunch of stuff you don’t need. So, keep your nose out of trouble, and one day this fund will be there waiting for you when you want it for something really important.” At press time, Grassley explained how multinational corporation Boeing could receive money from the federal government anytime it wanted because it had already won over lawmakers by generously spending so much money since its last bailout on donations to congressional campaigns.
British Man Astounded To Hear How Much It Would Cost To Get Mustard Jar Removed From Rectum Under U.S. Healthcare System #~# LONDON—Expressing surprise upon learning the high price of the commonplace procedure, local British man Roger Hiddleston was reportedly astounded Friday to hear how much it would cost to extract a mustard jar from his rectum under the United States healthcare system. “When a mate of mine mentioned that it could cost hundreds if not thousands of pounds for something as routine as getting a container of Colman’s mustard out of my sphincter, I was flabbergasted,” said Hiddleston, telling reporters that the statistic was a stark example of the prohibitively high cost of medical care in the U.S. “It’s incredible to think that I could spend a week’s pay for something that would take the doctor less than five minutes to fix. And you know this means there must be countless Americans walking around with mustard jars in their anuses, wincing in pain with every step, and they are completely unable to afford help. It’s a bloody disgrace.” Hiddleston added that with the way things were going with the NHS, he could imagine a future where even in the U.K. he could face a hefty medical bill for stuffing objects into his orifices.
Tom Brady Awakens From Week-Long Kombucha Bender To Discover He’s A Tampa Bay Buccaneer #~# TAMPA BAY—Skeptically looking down at the red jersey laying on the floor beside empty bottles of probiotics, a bleary-eyed Tom Brady woke up from a week-long long kombucha bender Thursday to discover that he signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. “Ugh, the last thing I remember was taking that shot of ginger lemon tea,” said Brady, vaguely recalling a conversation about his impending free agency with a juice bar employee who had tried to cut him off after his 8th cold-pressed bottle of pomegranate cleanse kombucha. “How did I get here? And why do I have all these pictures of Bruce Arians on my phone? Shit, I decide to cut loose for one week and look at what happens. I’m never breaking pliability again.” At press time, Brady was working up the courage to call his wife, Gisele Bündchen, and tell her that he had sold their home.
8 INSANELY CUTE Child Soldiers #~# AWWWWWWWWWW!
U.N. Names Finland Happiest Country For Third Year In A Row #~# The 2020 United Nations World Happiness Report has found Finland has the happiest citizens in the world, followed closely by other Nordic countries while the United States has bumped up one spot to number 18. What do you think?
National Park Service Under Fire For Wasting $40 Million To Pamper A Single, Charming Moose #~# His name is Alton, and he’s a 1,200-pound bull moose who’s been described as “charismatic” and “charming” by the NPS. But are their attempts to woo him costing taxpayers millions?
Deal Alert: The Federal Government Is Cutting You A $1,400 Stimulus Check That You Can, And Should, Spend Exclusively On 93 Copies Of ‘Stardew Valley’ #~# Things are finally looking up for gamers searching for the deal of a lifetime! After months of panic and uncertainty, Onion Gamers Network is now confirming that the federal government reached a decision late last week to cut you a stimulus check for $1,400 that you can—and should—spend exclusively on 93 copies of Stardew Valley.
TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet #~# As the coronavirus pandemic besets our cities from coast to coast, ravages our hospitals, and brings our nation’s once-flourishing economy grinding to a halt, the American people stare down the barrel of an uncertain future. The fate of our health, our families, and our daily lives remain in grave peril unless we take immediate action.
Man Just Buying One Of Every Cleaning Product In Case Trump Announces It’s Coronavirus Cure #~# EVANSTON, WY—Throwing bottles of bleach, ammonia, and Drano into a cart at his local grocery store, area man Troy Mitchell was reportedly stocking up on one of every cleaning product he could find Wednesday in case President Donald Trump announces it is a coronavirus cure. “I got toilet bowl cleaner, carpet cleaner, Swiffer WetJet refills—you name it—just so me and my family will be ready if the president announces one of these things can treat Chinese virus,” said Mitchell, indiscriminately throwing containers of laundry detergent, Scrubbing Bubbles, grout whitener, steel wool, Febreze, Tilex mold and mildew remover, and laptop screen wipes into the cart, the contents of which rang up to $2,513.67 at checkout. “I’m not getting caught without some oven degreaser should Trump say it’s going to save us, so I better go ahead and grab me a bottle. After this, I’m hitting the hardware store to pick up a 5-gallon bucket of roof sealant to make sure I’m prepared in the event that turns out to be what gets rid of the Wuhan. Could just be 10 or 20 squirts of Windex into each nostril. You never know what might work in a pinch!” At press time, neighbors confirmed Mitchell had been found unresponsive on the floor of his bathroom with several empty aerosol cans of Rust-Oleum wax-and-tar-removing solvent by his head.
British Royal Family Orders Citizens To Leave U.K. Until Prince Charles Recovers #~# LONDON—Calling it the “nation’s foremost duty” to protect their 71-year-old heir apparent, the British royal family ordered 67 million citizens Wednesday to evacuate the United Kingdom until Prince Charles recovered from the novel coronavirus. “Starting immediately, all residents are hereby instructed to gather their necessary belongings, cross the border into nearby Europe, and allow Charles at least 14 days to self isolate in his country,” said royal spokeswoman Evelyn Robinson, adding that citizens should quickly board planes, trains, and boats to create a safe distance of 2,000 miles between the Prince of Wales and the nearest commoner. “In the wake of this country’s devastating Covid-19 outbreak, we want to remind all English, Scottish, and Irish nationals that choosing to remain quarantined places Prince Charles, and his wife, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, for that matter, at an extremely high risk. To the Kingdom of Great Britain, we ask: What would you rather do? Simply take a few days to wade out into the English Channel? Or remain in the country, knowing that if a member of the royal family dies, there will be blood on your hands?” At press time, Robinson ordered all U.K. citizens to be as silent as possible when leaving the country, so as not to awaken Prince Charles from his afternoon nap.
China Will Lift Lockdown On Wuhan April 8th #~# The Chinese government announced that in two weeks it will end the mandatory lockdown on the city of Wuhan nearly 80 days after it began, citing a significant slowdown of coronavirus infections in the country. What do you think?
Pros And Cons Of CBD For Pets #~# One recent survey found that about 10% of dog and cat owners had given their pets cannabidiol, one of the active ingredients in marijuana. Advocates say giving pets CBD has benefits, while opponents warn that doing so can have unintended consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of giving CBD to your pet.
OGN Investigates: We Exposed An Orphan To Nothing But Violent Games For The First 12 Years Of His Life And While It Didn’t Make Him Violent He Sure Came Out Weird #~# Whether it’s fighting the belief that all gamers are antisocial weirdos or advocating for more inclusiveness in the medium’s protagonists, we here at OGN have always been dedicated to telling the truth about games. That is why we have undertaken a historic and undoubtedly forbidden investigation into one of the most common misconceptions about gaming: The idea that they make gamers more prone to violence. To do that, we adopted a young infant from a local orphanage, locked him inside of a cabin in the woods, and exposed him to nothing but violent video games for the past 12 years. The end result? It turns out critics are dead wrong. The child didn’t turn out violent at all, even though we have to admit he became an extremely weird individual.
10 Photos Of Plus-Size Models We Deserve A Pat On The Back For Running #~# Watch us bravely shatter stereotypes by running a photo of this full-figured woman. We are a courageous media company and should really be applauded for what we are doing here, because it is groundbreaking.
Everything You Need To Know About ‘Half-Life: Alyx’ #~# Heralded as a bold new vision of virtual reality gaming and the next chapter in the Half Life saga to boot, Half-Life: Alyx certainly has a ton working in its favor. But what should you expect when you don a headset and launch this hotly anticipated title for the first time? Here’s everything you need to know about Half-Life: Alyx.
Woody Allen’s Memoir Released After Being Dropped By Original Publisher #~# Woody Allen’s memoir, Apropos Of Nothing, was released this week nearly a month after it was dropped by Hachette Book Group, who backed out of publishing the book following employee protests and an announcement by Allen’s son Ronan Farrow that he would no longer work with the company. What do you think?
Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy #~# WASHINGTON—Mulling solutions to stop the disease’s rapid spread across the country, President Donald Trump reportedly suggested Tuesday ceding New York to the coronavirus as a possible appeasement strategy. “We are committed to looking at all options as we work through the invasion of this virus on our shores, including ceding at least the city of New York and potentially the entire state in order to meet the virus halfway and spare the rest of America from further suffering,” said Trump at a press conference, adding that his understanding of what the coronavirus wanted led him to believe that New York’s 54,000 square miles and nearly 20 million residents would be sufficient to placate the respiratory disease. “We’re not in a good situation right now, but I think we can find a solution that will make me happy, make the American people happy, and make the virus happy. This is a win-win and everyone gets what they want. This is a big, big change, but in the end we’re going to like the final result. I think this is a sacrifice everyone is willing to make. The virus should know that we respect where it’s coming from and how dangerous it is, which is why we’re offering a very big state. This is a very smart virus and it will know a good deal. I’d take this deal if I were the virus. Some of my advisors suggested Rhode Island or New Hampshire, but I know that won’t be enough. We’re hoping the coronavirus will be reasonable. We’re hoping that if we give the coronavirus New York that will be enough and it will go back to China or Italy or wherever it came from. Maybe we’ll throw in New Jersey as well.” New York governor Andrew Cuomo said he was willing to work with Trump but that ceding the entire state to the coronavirus was too much, and asked if he could reduce the offering to just the state’s prisons and migrant detention centers.
Russia Pledges To Run Completely Positive Disinformation Campaign In 2020 #~# The same Russian internet trolls known for interfering with the 2016 election are taking a step back from the mud-slinging, and are committing themselves to only spreading nice lies this time around. But will it work?
CDC Launches Coronavirus Bot For Americans To Check Symptoms #~# The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have launched Clara, a bot that asks users questions about their cold or flu-like symptoms and provides recommendations about whether to seek medical attention. What do you think?
Trump Urges Loosening CDC Restrictions To Let Coronavirus Get To Work #~# WASHINGTON—Calling for an end to precautions such as social distancing and shelter-in-place mandates, President Donald Trump urged the loosening of CDC restrictions Tuesday to let Covid-19 get to work. “The economy is hurting—we must send the coronavirus back into our office buildings, schools, and factories,” said Trump, explaining that the nation cannot risk the possibility of the number of new cases and deaths crashing. “We need those numbers up! This is America, and work is important here. Without work, the virus has no purpose. Right now, there are millions of virus particles just sitting around and doing nothing. The coronavirus wants to work, so we’re going to put it back to work as soon as possible.” At press time, the Dow had skyrocketed as the coronavirus returned in full strength back into the American workforce.
Olympic Dressage Rider Enraged After Spending Past 4 Years Jauntily Trotting Around On Horse For Nothing #~# SOMERSWORTH, NH—Reeling from shock at the International Olympic Committee’s decision to postpone the 2020 Summer Games due to the coronavirus pandemic, dressage rider Adelaide Merriweather expressed fury Tuesday after spending the past four years jauntily trotting around on her horse for nothing. “After countless hours of sitting primly upon this graceful beast and coaxing her to prance about in sublime cadence, you’re telling me it’s all been a waste?” Merriweather said before ordering a stable hand to immediately cease brushing the elegant mane of her prize horse, Madame Amboise, and then firing him on the spot. “All those breezy, cloudless afternoons of daintily clip-clopping up and down this equestrian arena to absolutely nail the perfect piaffe—do you know how long that takes? My family acquired this animal when she was just a foal, and ever since I’ve worn this goddamn top hat and fancy coat as we’ve cantered through the meadows in the brisk spring air, working to make our half-pass maneuver just so. Now the IOC is saying I don’t even get to go to Tokyo and get a fucking medal?” At press time, sources confirmed Merriweather had told her former stable hand that he could collect his final paycheck just as soon as he had euthanized Madame Amboise with a gunshot to the head.
6 Dogs Who Know How To Have Fun #~# Can’t tell Peanut he doesn’t know how to party. Guess how old this lovable mutt just turned in dog years!
GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to contain the disastrous financial fallout resulting from the spread of Covid-19, economic advisor Larry Kudlow joined numerous GOP leaders Monday in urging an end of self-quarantine for the lifeless bipedal automatons that make the economy go. “We can’t allow this virus to completely upend American life, so we are recommending that these soulless humanoid contraptions return to powering the country as soon as possible,” said Kudlow, noting that the upright, unthinking facsimiles needed to return to their primary function of lifting GDP and improving the stock market. “We believe this group of insentient golems to be relatively low-risk due to their lack of a respiratory system, and right now, they’re just gathering dust being stuck in their storage containers. Of course, we continue to recommend extreme caution and social distancing for any actual humans who may come into contact with these unthinking, unfeeling entities.” Ludlow added that to be extra cautious, any automatons who felt unwell should power down for the next two to three weeks.
God Possesses Pope Francis’s Body, Spins Head Around In Miraculous Sunday Mass #~# The Creator of Heaven and Earth spoke directly to his followers yesterday by forcing Pope Francis to crab walk on the ceiling of St. Peter’s Basilica.
Restless Trump Can’t Believe He Stuck Inside With Nothing To Do But Be President #~# WASHINGTON— Expressing frustration with the social-isolation measures in place amid the novel Covid-19 pandemic, a restless Donald Trump confirmed Monday that he couldn’t believe he was stuck inside with nothing to do except be president. “Jesus Christ, I’m so goddamn bored of sitting around all day being commander in chief,” said Trump as he puttered around the Oval Office before splaying himself face-down across the Resolute desk. “Ugh, I had all these plans for real things I was going to do this month, but now all I have is this stupid administrative stuff from holding the highest office in the country. I actually read part of a report the other day—that’s how little I have to do right now. This sucks. I just want to cruise around in Air Force One, golf at Mar-A-Lago, or hold a big rally like I did when I had real work–life balance. I really did. Now my routines are completely blown to hell. How do they expect me to be restricted to this cramped 50,000-square-foot house all day?” At press time, Trump was sitting in a motorcade vehicle and honking the horn until someone took him someplace fun.
Coronavirus Forces Landlord To Cut Back On Taking Care Of Building From 1 To 0 Hours A Week #~# CHICAGO—Lamenting the fact that he’d had to postpone his weekly unannounced visits to tenants until further notice, local landlord Rudy Jacobson told reporters Monday that the coronavirus had forced him to cut back on taking care of his building from one to zero hours a week. “Based on the city’s most recent shelter-in-place orders, I’m guessing it could be months until I can pop in at strange hours, bang on broken radiators and sinks, and then say that I don’t have the part to fix it and that there’s nothing I can do,” said Jacobson, adding that while he wanted to help his renters, he didn’t want to risk their safety just to spend 20 minutes milling around and leaving a mess of drywall dust and loose nails all over the floor. “It’s unfortunate, but for the next few months, I will not be able to stop by and post signs above the laundry machine that says ‘broken: do not use,’ or send mass texts in all caps to the entire building not to leave out food because it attracts rats. Also, until further notice, I am reducing the hours of my pest control specialist, my plumber, as well as my large son whom I frequently cuss out in the building’s shared spaces.” At press time, Jacobson added that despite the current public health crisis, he would work his hardest to ensure that rent collection and evictions would continue operating without interruptions.
Ohio Orders Halt To Most Abortions During Coronavirus Pandemic #~# Citing federal guidelines intended to conserve medical supplies during the Covid-19 pandemic, Ohio Attorney General Dave Yost has ordered healthcare providers in the state to halt most surgical abortions, calling the procedure “nonessential and elective.” What do you think?
Self-Isolated Woman Going So Crazy She’s Started Talking To Her Spouse #~# BEAVERTON, OR—Confined to home as her second full week of social distancing began, local woman Stephanie Kunath was going so crazy in self-isolation that she had started talking to her spouse, sources confirmed Monday. “Quarantine is definitely making me a little unhinged, like earlier today when I was thinking about what I was going to make for lunch and suddenly realized I’d been speaking out loud to [her husband] Jeff the whole time!” said Kunath, who admitted it was “kind of nice, in a way” to have someone to chat with, even if she knew no one was really listening. “Then a while later, I blurted out, ‘It’s a pretty day today,’ and before I knew it, I was talking to him about all kinds of things I’d normally just think silently to myself. Clearly, I’m losing my mind! I should go on a walk before I really snap and start talking to the kids, too.” Kunath added that she would know it was time to get professional help if she actually started hearing her husband say things back to her.
Nation Close To Getting Videoconferencing Software To Work #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that they almost had the online communication application fully figured out, the nation reportedly announced Monday that they were close to getting their videoconferencing software to work. “Hello, hello, okay, I can see you now, but I can’t hear you—is there something else I need to do?” said 327 million Americans in unison while trying to figure out how to unmute themselves as they combed through their computer’s system preferences trying to locate their audio settings, unsure if they needed to disconnect their bluetooth headphones or download a new plug-in. “Wait, I clicked on the icon on the bottom left, but now all of you are frozen. Sorry, now I don’t see anyone, but I hear a dog barking. Is that right? Do I need to click something else? Actually, I’m just gonna try restarting my computer and hopefully that will fix it. Make sure to re-invite me after I leave, though.” After successfully connecting to the call, the U.S. populace immediately pivoted toward asking how they could change their backgrounds so it looked like they were on a beach.
Americans Seek To Stay Social While Self-Isolating #~#  As shelter-in-place orders roll out across the country, Americans trapped at home are socializing online via videoconferencing apps and social media for everything from birthday parties and movie nights to live-streamed concerts and even 12-step recovery programs. What do you think? 
Dog Not Sure How To Interpret Crazy Dream Where It Saw Squirrel, Barked At Squirrel #~# OAKLAND, CA—Admitting she was worried that her subconscious was trying to tell her something, Cookie, a local Parson Russell terrier, confirmed Monday that she wasn’t sure how to interpret a crazy dream she had where she saw a squirrel and then barked at a squirrel. “For the last three nights, every time I close my eyes, I see the squirrel, I chase the squirrel, and then the squirrel climbs up a tree,” said Cookie, adding that no matter how hard she barks, the squirrel will not come down, and no matter how hard she tries to climb the tree, she can never get past the base of the trunk. “I mean, I guess I never knew my mother, maybe the squirrel could represent the lack of a maternal figure in my life? Or maybe the squirrel represents my mortality, and the fact that the squirrel escapes me means that I’m going to die? Man, I don’t know. This is even weirder than the time I dreamed about seeing a rabbit and then chasing the rabbit.” At press time, Cookie had fallen asleep, only to bark and run so hard in her sleep that she jolted herself awake.
OGN’s Best Games To Play During The Coronavirus Quarantine #~# Stuck inside? You’re not alone. Thankfully, gamers like us have a secret weapon: a near endless list of video games to keep us happy and engaged while we’re waiting out the pandemic outside our doors. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the best games to play during the coronavirus quarantine.
Disturbing New Study Finds American 5th-Graders Only Absorbing Targeted Advertisements At 1st-Grade Level #~# STANFORD, CA—Calling the elementary schoolers “eons” behind their counterparts in terms of brand recognition, a disturbing new study published Monday by Stanford University found American fifth-graders were only absorbing advertisements at a first-grade level. “Out of the 10,000 children we studied, over 75% of them scrolled right past products placed onto their social media feeds and did not even click or hover over the ad once,” said researcher Professor Hannah Paul, adding that many of the subjects she worked with did not even bother clicking on ads created by their favorite influencer, even when the items being sold were specifically tailored to their individual search history. “By fifth grade, students should be interacting with personalized advertising at a very high level and spending hundreds of dollars a month on clothes, skincare products, and other specialty products like nail decals and crystals. If we don’t find a way to get these kids up to speed soon, they might never impulse shop online at a college level.” At press time, Paul suggested that if parents were worried their children were behind, they should sit down and show them how to interact with simple, digestible advertisements for a few hours each night.
10 Things Your Parents Were Right About #~# “When will you learn, my son? This is your world here. You must never look out upon the other side of these walls, for those in the village could never accept a hideous sight such as you.”
NASA Announces They Definitely Just Destroyed An Asteroid #~# A really big one, too. Hear how close NASA officials say the Earth was to total annihilation, and why they are the ones to thank for saving us all.
Aquarium Lets Penguins Take Tour Of Premises During Coronavirus Shutdown #~# In a video that has since gone viral, penguins at Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium were given the opportunity to explore the premises and visit animals in other exhibits this week as the facility closed its doors to the public. What do you think?
Experts Warn Americans Could Still Be Dealing With Coronavirus As Late As Tomorrow Afternoon #~# WASHINGTON—Warning that the deadly COVID-19 virus could continue to plague the United States for far longer than previously expected, experts from the CDC announced Friday that Americans could still be dealing with coronavirus as late as tomorrow afternoon. “According to our most recent projections, residents in all 50 states could still be coping with the fallout from this pandemic through tonight, tomorrow morning, and if we’re severely unlucky, even past 1 or 2 p.m. the next day,” said CDC spokesman Dr. Michael Craine, adding that at the rate the disease is currently spreading, Americans could continue contracting the disease in untold numbers, perhaps even into the dozens. “While we understand the last week has been extraordinarily difficult, we want to emphasize that this isn’t over yet, and households should stock up for the next 24 hours, and have enough food and water for at least three more meals. Unfortunately, these worst-case-scenario models show that things may not really begin to feel normal until Monday when schools and workplaces reopen.” At press time, economists warned Americans that they should brace for a recession, and expect to lose as many as 10 jobs in the coming days.
Amazing Lore: ‘Doom Eternal’ Creators Confirm Every Demon You Fight In The Game Went To Hell For Masturbating As Teenagers #~# We all know the 2016’s Doom was a reboot beloved for its nonstop action and face-melting gunplay, but below that hardcore surface lay thousands of tiny details that developer id Software agonized over to create one of the most fine-tuned first-person shooter experiences ever. But even the most hardcore fan is going to be amazed by the developer’s recent reveal that every demon you fight in the sequel Doom Eternal went to hell for masturbating as a teenager.
Trump Orders Manufacturers To Drastically Ramp Up Production Of Hospital Gift Shop Supplies #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to equip the nation’s medical centers for the exponential increase in patients seeking treatment for coronavirus, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Friday that requires manufacturers to quickly and dramatically ramp up production of hospital gift shop supplies. “This is a vital industry, and we must ensure the gift retailers in America’s hospitals do not face dangerous shortages of fruit baskets, plush dolls, light-hearted get-well-soon cards, and inscribed keepsake candles,” the commander-in-chief said as he called upon the entire manufacturing sector to marshal its resources to produce the quantities of scented shea-butter soap, beaded jewelry, novelty coffee mugs, and word-find games that would be necessary to prevent rationing in hospitals. “Even under the most optimistic scenario, we’ll need to turn out 500% more singing teddy bears and Mylar balloons, while overseeing a tenfold increase in print runs of Chicken Soup For The Soul books. The hardworking men and women in our hospitals shouldn’t be put in triage situations in which they have to decide who gets a throw pillow embroidered with an inspirational quote and who doesn’t.” Trump added that if necessary, he will seize control of and repurpose factories currently making less critical medical devices in order to maintain adequate inventories of kettle-corn gift tins.
Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores #~# NORTHWOOD, NH—Isolated and desperate for a fun new hobby or pastime in the face of social-distancing measures implemented to fight Covid-19, hysterical mobs of violently bored citizens have begun looting puzzle stores across the country, sources confirmed Friday. “People were grabbing up the jigsaws, the crosswords, the sudokus—even climbing over each other to get to the Rubik’s Cubes, if you can believe that,” said Howard Beaman, owner of the now-devastated Piece Time Puzzles, one of several hundred such specialty stores that reportedly had their windows smashed and saw their entire inventories seized by panicked Americans stuck at home and in dire need of a suitable diversion. “Probably did $10,000 of damage to my establishment alone. I watched someone punch an old woman in the throat just to get her hands on a book of riddles. But I’ve always said there’s a real ugly side of humanity that comes out when people are faced with a limited supply of 5,000-piece landscape scenes and decide to turn on one another.” At press time, reports indicated that online resellers were offering 500-piece jigsaw puzzles of cats sleeping on bookshelves for $800 each, plus shipping.
TV Shows Donate Medical Supplies To Hospitals Amid Pandemic #~# Medical and first-responder dramas The Resident, The Good Doctor, and Station 19 have donated personal protective equipment normally used as costumes to local hospitals as health centers struggle with supply shortages amidst the Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?
Hospital Holding Back Extra Coronavirus Test Kit In Case Josh Duhamel Needs One #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Bracing for what could be the worst of the coronavirus outbreak ahead, Monroe General Hospital was reportedly holding back an extra COVID-19 test kit Friday in case actor Josh Duhamel needed one. “This pandemic is forcing us to make hard choices, but Josh Duhamel should know the instant he feels even slightly tired, there’s a coronavirus test kit at Monroe Hospital with his name on it,” said Dr. Jenna Hofer, who noted medical staff weren’t confident the Transformers star was even near Indiana, but were following procedures to prepare for a worst-case scenario. “The second Josh Duhamel needs a ventilator, we’re ripping it straight off of an old person. We, as doctors, took an oath to protect Josh Duhamel. It would be a great failure of the practice of medicine if the man who played former marine Danny McCoy on NBC’s Las Vegas wasn’t able to receive a coronavirus test kit. We’re also working with physicians across the country to reserve hospital beds in the event Josh requires a test while traveling.” At press time, doctors were rushing to administer a COVID-19 testing kit to a guy who kind of looked like Brendan Fraser.
The Dos And Don’ts Of Social Distancing #~# As the coronavirus spreads, many health experts are calling for Americans to practice social distancing, a process that would limit the passage of the virus between people and avoid a mass outbreak of simultaneous cases, but there is widespread confusion over what it means. The Onion looks at the dos and don’ts of social distancing.
Richard Burr Wondering When Profiting Off Mass Suffering Suddenly Became A Crime In This Country #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting he was blindsided by the hysterical reaction to a pretty normal transaction, North Carolina Senator Richard Burr wondered Friday when profiting off mass suffering had suddenly become a crime in this country. “Jesus Christ, when did everyone get so uptight about this? I remember when we used to celebrate people who used their talent and connections to get rich from death and anguish,” said Burr, who claimed what he did was no different than what many successful, patriotic Americans have been doing for hundreds of years. “Even Tucker Carlson is being a little bitch about this. What’s the big deal? Didn’t we all decide this was cool in the 2008 recession? Last time I checked, using sensitive information to enrich yourself at the expense of hundreds of millions of other people was totally fine. I talked to Kelly [Loeffler] and Ron [Johnson] about cashing out, and nobody even batted an eye. What’s the point of being a senator if you can’t profit off the world’s problems? I’m making money, not losing it, but I guess jealous people have decided that becoming rich and powerful from a national tragedy is suddenly evil. There’s something seriously wrong with this country.” At press time, Burr announced his intentions to resign after shamefully admitting he only pulled in a 22% return from his insider trading.
8 Unlikely Animal Friendships #~# This cheetah is an evangelical Christian and this Anatolian shepherd is an outspoken pro-choice advocate. But the cheetah found it in his heart to invite the Anatolian shepherd out to his chalet in Aspen last Thanksgiving, and the two found common ground over their shared love of skiing.
‘Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ Developers Confirm No One Can Hurt You Here, No One Can Make You Scared #~# The long wait is over Animal Crossing fans! It’s been over a decade since a true mainline franchise has hit a Nintendo console, but today New Horizons is finally rolling out on the Switch. And if that wasn’t exciting enough news, the developers also used the release to confirm one amazing new detail about the game’s world—that nobody can hurt you here and no one can make you scared, and there is nothing but boundless warmth and peace awaiting you once you press play!
Trump Administration Releases Best Case Scenario Projections For Coronavirus Where 8 Million Iranian People Die #~# WASHINGTON—Striking an optimistic note in his daily press briefing about the global pandemic, President Donald Trump spoke to reporters Thursday, detailing his administration’s best case scenario projections for coronavirus where eight million Iranian people are killed. “If we’re very lucky, we could be looking at many millions of dead Iranians, which is why we must do everything in our power to act,” said Trump, confirming that the U.S. government would be pouring resources into continued sanctions and military action against Iran to boost those numbers. “We’re taking this very seriously and monitoring the situation at all times, and we’re hopeful that we could hit this target, or maybe even go past it, but the reality is, this is just a projection and it could tragically be as low as three or four million. We need help from every sector to make sure these citizens are unable to receive medical assistance and continue dying in the street.” When pressed by reporters, Trump acknowledged that the time had come to confront the ugly reality that at least some Iranians would survive.
Google Offers Virtual Tours Of World’s Museums And Cultural Sites #~# With the world locked down under threat of coronavirus, Google highlighted its collection of virtual tours featuring over 2,500 museums and cultural attractions from around the globe, including the Guggenheim in New York, the Palace of Versaille, Machu Picchu, and the Tokyo National Museum. What do you think?
Dark, Ominous Storm Clouds Atop Mount Money Indicate Recession Could Be Near #~# But what do these black, billowing clouds covering the mountain’s foothills mean for your wallet?
Tik-Tok May Have Buried Posts From Ugly Users #~# Leaked documents allegedly show that the video-sharing app Tik-Tok instructed moderators to censor posts made by people deemed ugly, poor, overweight or disabled in an effort to artificially limit their audiences. What do you think?
Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American #~# WASHINGTON—With markets plummeting and many workers losing jobs as the coronavirus pandemic wreaks havoc on businesses, President Donald Trump announced Thursday a plan to stimulate the economy by sending a rare autographed 8-by-10-inch glossy photograph of himself to every U.S. resident. “We know people are hurting financially, so in order to assist them at this critical time, I will be sending out these exclusive and very high-quality signed Donald J. Trump headshots to every American,” said the president, explaining that the approximately 330 million recipients of the exclusive collector’s items could sell them for a hefty sum and then use the cash to cover rent, groceries, and medical bills, which would, in turn, pump billions of dollars back into the economy. “Look, I’m a pretty well-known guy, so these things should definitely fetch a nice price and be a huge help to our workers, sustaining them through a difficult moment in our country’s history. All we ask is that you do choose to sell them and spend the money now, for the sake of the economy, rather than holding on to these beautiful, limited-edition keepsakes as they inevitably appreciate in value. This is truly the stimulus we’ve all been waiting for.” At press time, critics had assailed Trump for exploiting a loophole in the new plan that allows him to send large corporations hundreds of thousands of extra autographed photos of himself.
Defiant 123-Year-Old Not Going To Let Coronavirus Stop Him From Hanging Out With Friends #~# BALTIMORE—Stressing that the pandemic represented nothing more than mass hysteria dreamed up in the newspapers, 123-year-old Milton Hammond told reporters Thursday that he was not going to let the coronavirus stop him from hanging out with his friends. “Everyone is panicking about this thing, but as far as I can tell, this is just the periodicals blowing a little flu out of proportion,” said Hammond, who was born in the late 19th century, noting that after surviving the Great Baltimore Fire, 1918 Spanish Flu, and an extended period living in a Maryland-based Hooverville, he felt fine stepping out for a little drink and pinochle over at his buddy’s place. “They say I need to stay inside to protect my 100-year-old children and 75-year-old grandchildren, and I get that. But come on! We’re all going to be fine. Plus, I’ve already been on a ventilator for the past few decades, and it really isn’t a huge deal. Anyway, I promise you this: We’re going to look back on this in a couple years when I’m 125 and laugh.” At press time, the centenarian had died immediately after opening his door and being exposed to the outside world.
Woman Annoyed Cat Would Rather Play With Hair Tie Than Expensive Gaming Console She Bought It #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing frustration with the lack of appreciation that the recent purchase had garnered, local woman Kate Wheeler was reportedly annoyed Thursday that her cat would rather play with a hair tie than the expensive gaming console she had bought it. “The guy at GameStop said the Nintendo Switch was popular with hardcore and casual gamers, but little did I know, all Kiki wants is a hair elastic to bat around,” said Wheeler, 29, bemoaning that she spent her hard-earned cash on an extra controller and headset to enhance the 4-year-old feline’s gaming experience. “First, I thought she wasn’t into open-world stuff, so I got her Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, but she’s still only mildly interested in the power cord. You’d assume based on how much she likes the laser pointer she’d go nuts about the dual-screen graphics. I’ve tried everything—changing the button layout, sprinkling catnip on the controllers—but still, it looks like it was $400 straight down the drain.” At press time, Wheeler had purchased a high-performance laptop in case her cat was partial to PC gaming.
6 Startling Before And After Photos Of Meth Users #~# In recent years, the recreational use of methamphetamine has skyrocketed in the United States. While the drug imposes a range of short- and long-term deteriorative effects on the user’s cognitive abilities, its immediate impact on one’s physical appearance is perhaps even more astonishing. The man pictured above is Carl Nesbitt of Swampscott, MA. This photo was taken before he began smoking crystal meth.
Triumphant Jared Kushner Announces Plan To Move CDC Headquarters To Jerusalem #~# WASHINGTON—Celebrating his own ingenuity in the face of the Covid-19 outbreak, President Donald Trump’s senior advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner triumphantly announced his new plan Thursday to move the Centers for Disease Control headquarters to Jerusalem. “The dire situation with the coronavirus demands bold solutions, and the time is now to move the CDC headquarters thousands of miles across the Atlantic,” said Kushner, gesturing to a map of the West Bank and indicating that a Palestinian neighborhood would need to be paved over to begin construction on the state-of-the-art facility. “While all operations will be delayed for a few months so we can get started, once everything is up and running, we’ll be able to address this pandemic from one of the world’s most historically significant cities. We’re taking the world’s best doctors, scientists, epidemiologists, and immunologists to an entirely different continent to solve this global crisis. Finally, we’ll be able to streamline collaboration between the CDC and the U.S. Israeli Embassy.” At press time, Kushner announced further plans to build strip clubs on Jerusalem’s holy sites for CDC employees who may be homesick for Atlanta.
Thousands Of Formerly Endangered White Rhinos Flood City Streets Mere Days After Humans Quarantined Indoors #~# NEW YORK CITY—Letting out deep, powerful grunts that echoed throughout the area’s countless deserted storefronts, thousands of formerly endangered white rhinos flooded the streets of New York City Thursday mere days after residents were quarantined indoors. “After just a week of human isolation, this once-dying species has come back with a vengeance and is now stampeding through Manhattan, Brooklyn, and Queens,” said NYU Professor of Biology Jasmine Damcot, who added that the 5,000-pound animals appear to be multiplying exponentially and have been spotted sprinting through Times Square, sunning themselves on the Brooklyn Bridge, and ramming their horns into glass windows along Fifth Avenue. “Without humans in the picture, it’s been remarkable to watch these rhinos recover and quickly inhabit every abandoned subway platform and empty bodega they can find. Frankly, if it weren’t for the resurgence of Bengal tigers and polar bears on Staten Island, I think we’d be seeing a lot more of them.” At press time, the white rhino had once again been classified as an endangered species after a single New York City resident left his apartment to go pick up some paper towels at a local 7-Eleven.
Huge Announcement: Sony Just Revealed The PS5 Can Function As A Makeshift Gravestone To Mark The Site Of Your Shallow Burial #~# Well gamers, it looks like Sony’s long-anticipated unveiling of the PlayStation 5’s specs did not disappoint. Not only is the system massively powerful with over 10 teraflops of computing output, but the company also revealed the state-of-the-art console can function as a makeshift gravestone to mark the site of your hasty and shallow burial.
Marina Abramović Stolen In Daring Performance Art Heist #~# Hear how thieves were able steal the prized performance artist from the Museum of Modern Art, and what the NYPD is doing to catch them.
Amazon Hires 100,000 Workers In Wake Of Coronavirus Surge #~# Amazon announced they will hire an additional 100,000 warehouse and delivery workers to keep up with the onslaught of new orders as customers shift their shopping online during the Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?
Tom Brady Leaves New England Patriots #~# Quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is a free agent after 20 years with the New England Patriots, though it is rumored he plans to sign with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. What do you think?
Microsoft Confirms Xbox Series X Next-Gen Graphics Will Finally Allow Games That Are All Realistic Hair And Water #~# Ever since last year’s announcement of the Xbox Series X, gamers have been salivating at the thought of seeing exactly what kind of graphics a next-gen powerhouse can pump out. Well, today Microsoft’s executive VP of Gaming Phil Spencer dropped one huge new detail about their upcoming console that’s going to blow fanboys away: The new console has the technical ability to finally render games that are made up entirely of realistic hair and water.
Trump Quietly Checks With Aides To Make Sure He’d Be Included In Receiving $1,000 Government Checks #~# WASHINGTON—As his administration makes plans to combat the economic damage caused by the coronavirus with direct payments to Americans, President Donald Trump reportedly conferred with aides behind closed doors Wednesday to confirm he would be among those citizens receiving a pair of $1,000 checks. “Hey, I’m also getting in on this deal, right?” Trump reportedly said to a White House economic strategist he had pulled aside, asking him to double-check the list of recipients and make sure he was on there, since he was “an American too, after all,” and it was “only fair” he receive the same assistance as everyone else. “How soon are these things coming? Can we expedite them? An extra couple grand would be nice right about now. I should get my check first because I’m president and I’ve been working hard. Everyone else should get theirs after me. Maybe we could have a televised ceremony where I receive the check. That would boost morale, especially if I got a little more money than everybody else. Also, my kids are going to get them too, right? Is there any way those ones could just be forwarded directly to me?” At press time, sources reported that Trump increased the proposed amount of money Americans would be receiving to $2,687 after learning that taxes would have to be taken out.
Trump Hits Back At China By Announcing U.S. Will Also Expel American Journalists #~# WASHINGTON—Sending a loud and clear message to the rival superpower, President Donald Trump hit back at China Wednesday by announcing the U.S. would also expel American journalists. “Effective immediately, all reporters must leave the country—we’re not going to let China outdo us on this one,” said Trump, who issued an executive order giving all journalists from The Washington Post, The New York Times, and The Wall Street Journal as well as writers at outlets such as BuzzFeed, The Atlantic, and Men’s Health a 24-hour notice to evacuate the country. “If China wants to banish our journalists for writing negative articles about China, then fine, we won’t tolerate American reporters spreading nasty stories about America either. I’m going to just start reading down the mastheads. Anything China can do, we can do better. Who knows, maybe we’ll even execute them.” At press time, Fox News broadcasters had been granted a stay of removal by a federal judge. 
Frustrated Dog Has No Time To Jerk Off Now That Owner Home All Day #~# CHICAGO—Feeling upset that he has been unable to get a single moment of privacy over the past week, local dog Muffin expressed frustration Wednesday over having no time to jerk off because his owner has been staying home all day. “This guy hasn’t left the apartment at all since Sunday, how am I supposed to rub one out when we are always in the same room?” said Muffin, who revealed that his normal afternoon routine of going to town on himself had been completely upended by his owner sleeping in late, working from home, and using his laptop on the bed where he usually pleasures himself. “Normally, Wednesday at 2 p.m. is Muffin time, but every time I slink away, he comes to find me and see what I’m up to. Even thinking about that little rat terrier down the street won’t help when he’s puttering around all day. Whatever is going on better be over soon because if I don’t get some relief, I’m gonna go crazy.” At press time, Muffin was reportedly unable to sleep either because of the constant coughing and wheezing coming from his owner’s bedroom.
Conservative Worries Relief Checks Would Discourage Americans From Providing For Selves By Killing Him And Taking His Property #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Speaking out against proposals to provide federal assistance to Americans hardest hit by the pandemic-fueled economic downturn, local conservative Mark Garrett expressed worry Wednesday that relief checks would discourage citizens from learning to provide for themselves by killing him and taking his property. “People in this country should have enough self-reliance to stand on their own two feet, bust down my door, cut my throat, and seize all of my possessions,” said Garrett, adding that in America, there are plenty of profits to be had by anyone motivated enough to just go out there and forcibly take them. “There’s a real moral hazard here: When you pay people for doing nothing, it rewards them for being too irresponsible to look at all the wealth I’ve accumulated and realize that if they simply kidnapped my family and held them for ransom, I would eagerly pay it. A resourceful person wouldn’t even need a gun, not if they were enterprising enough to come at me with a knife, an ax, or a tire iron. At the end of the day, if you’re not willing to murder me while I’m asleep in bed and pocket all my valuables, you’re not willing to work.” Garrett went on to ask why federal funds couldn’t instead be given to the national guard, which would need to be sent in to impose martial law when the peasants began to riot.
10 Most OMG Adorable Animals #~# Uh, hello? Adorable much?
Timeline Of Trump Administration’s Response To Coronavirus #~# As states and cities across the country shut down and the federal government drafts measures to counter the economic costs of the coronavirus’ spread, the spotlight is on President Donald Trump and his administration, which has been criticized for its crisis response. The Onion looks at the timeline of the Trump administration’s response to coronavirus so far.
Universal Pictures Makes Movies Currently In Theaters Available For Home Viewing Following Coronavirus Concerns #~# NBCUniversal announced that several films currently in theaters, including Invisible Man and Emma, will be available for rent online, and Trolls World Tour, which was set to come out Easter weekend, will be available on-demand March 10th. What do you think?
Amazon Hires 100,000 New Workers To Cram In Close Quarters Just For Kicks #~# SEATTLE—In response to the rising effects of the coronavirus pandemic on the American workforce, Amazon announced Tuesday that it had hired 100,000 new workers to cram in close quarters together just for kicks. “We have taken the significant step of immediately hiring tens of thousands of men and women who will be crammed like sardines in a single, dark warehouse for our amusement,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, explaining that the new employees were not going to be given any tasks or responsibilities except to stand shoulder to shoulder, breathing and coughing on each other for as long as the company felt like keeping them there. “People are getting desperate, so we figured, why the hell not? We’ve got all this cash coming in from cornering almost every market and forcing people unwilling to leave their homes to buy from us, and I can’t imagine a better use for it at this critical time but to stuff as many people as we can possibly fit into a poorly ventilated warehouse and see how long they’ll tolerate the pain and discomfort for 10 bucks an hour. It’s like, what else are they gonna do? We’re in the middle of a pandemic, and as a business responsible to shareholders, Amazon is going to do whatever we need to do to sit back and enjoy watching people suffer from the coronavirus. And if this trial run pans out, we’re considering expanding this crammed-employee program to markets across the country.” At press time, Bezos added that the company was offering anyone who signed up for an Amazon Prime subscription a free live video feed to watch the employees.
Kansas Basketball Devastated They Won’t Get Opportunity To Vacate National Championship #~# LAWRENCE, KS—Lamenting the NCAA’s decision to cancel March Madness amid coronavirus concerns, representatives from the Kansas men’s basketball team confirmed Tuesday that they were devastated about not getting an opportunity to vacate the national championship. “It really sucks we won’t have the chance to lift that trophy over our heads and then see it stripped away from us,” said forward Silvio De Sousa, expressing doubts that the school would ever be able to shell out the cash for such an elite roster of players again. “From the moment Coach Self recruited me with a new car, I wanted to bring a championship back to Kansas for a couple years. It would’ve been so amazing to watch that banner get taken down from the rafters, but it wasn’t in the cards for us this year. I guess I’ll never be able cut down a piece of the net and chuck it in the garbage once the scandal got out.” In a related report, Dayton basketball fans expressed disappointment that they’ll never get to complain for the next decade about being cheated out of a title.
Fiat Recalls More Than 10,000 Cars For Not Looking Small And Weird Enough #~# The Italian car manufacturer announced the recall of their new C-SUV, citing issues that range from it not having funny little mirrors to drivers not bumping their head when they get inside.
Nation’s 108 Million Service Industry Workers Assure Public That Job Is Just Way To Stay Busy After Winning Lottery Years Ago #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that they’d be “just fine” amid mass layoffs and temporary unemployment looming over the sector, the nation’s 108 million service industry workers assured the public Tuesday that their jobs were just a way to stay busy after winning the lottery years ago. “Listen, we just do this to stay grounded and have something to do on nights and weekends—don’t worry about us,” said 26-year-old waitress Carla Maple, who further advised the public not to concern themselves with tipping, since customers were way more likely to need that money during the Covid-19 pandemic. “We’re each worth, on average, like, approximately $140 million. The only reason we wait tables, serve drinks, and brew your coffee is to avoid becoming totally disillusioned with our vast wealth. Sure, it will be hard to be cooped up in our mansions playing racquetball and swimming all alone in our Olympic-sized pools, but it’s not like we’re relying on income from our jobs to survive.” At press time, Maple added that the nation’s service industry workers had begun a fundraising campaign to help support the nation’s investment bankers.
Who Said It: Kanye West Or An Instruction Manual For The Cuisinart CRC-400 Electric Rice Cooker? #~# “Place rice in cooking bowl and add liquid to appropriate line marking.” Who said it?
Americans Mark St. Patrick’s Day #~# Today is St. Patrick’s Day, though many Americans will not celebrate with the usual parades, bar crawls and get-togethers as nonessential business grinds to a halt in an effort to curb the transmission of Covid-19. How are you celebrating?
Amazing Detail: Every Game In ‘MLB The Show’ Will Feature A Frustrated Father Sitting In The Stands Next To His Husky Son Playing A Nintendo DS #~# Awesome news, sports gamers! It’s time for the latest installment in SIE San Diego Studio’s baseball series that is beloved for its attention to detail, and this one looks like a real doozy! A recent announcement from developers revealed that every baseball game in the upcoming MLB The Show 20 will feature a frustrated father sitting in the stands next to his husky son who is playing a Nintendo DS!
Congress Allocates $2 Trillion To Bail Out Struggling Bailout Industry #~# WASHINGTON—In order to alleviate the heavy damage the crucial financial sector is facing in the midst of the ongoing Covid-19 outbreak, the United States Congress announced Tuesday that they would be allocating $2 trillion in order to bail out the struggling bailout industry. “The bailout industry is on the brink of failure, so in order to prevent a full-on catastrophe, we are setting aside $2 trillion in order to bail it out,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), adding that the business of giving of massive sums of money to corporations so they can cover their losses is at the very bedrock of the U.S. economic system, and without assistance, the entire bailout industry as we know it could collapse, which could lead to another Great Depression. “During a crisis like this, the bailout industry is often hit the hardest, so we are taking immediate action, as our economy is deeply dependent on the bailout system; if bailouts can’t function, then America can’t function. A cash injection is absolutely necessary to make sure these failing businesses can inject cash into failing businesses.” At press time, Congress had signed a bill to allocate funds to bail out their bailout of the bailout industry.
Biden Pledges To Select Woman As Vice President Since Position Doesn’t Entail Much Anyway #~# WASHINGTON—In a bid to secure support for his nomination as the Democratic Party’s candidate for president, Joe Biden reportedly pledged Sunday to select a woman as vice president since the position doesn’t entail much anyway. “I promise that my vice president will be a woman, since pretty much anyone can do this job, so I figure, hey, might as well pick a lady,” said Biden, adding that he knew from experience in his eight years as U.S. vice president that the position was essentially ceremonial and required no real work, so he had no reservations about handing it to a woman. “You basically just sit on your can all day and maybe show up at a meeting every month or two, so if a woman wants to do that, be my guest. I could see myself selecting [Senator] Amy Klobuchar, [former Georgia State Rep.] Stacey Abrams, or any one of the tens of millions of women perfectly capable of pulling off this no-show gig. I don’t really care what her politics are, and anyway it hardly matters. This works out well, actually, since I can stick a lady in the VP spot and don’t have to put one in an important role on the cabinet.” At press time, Biden was being praised by members of the media and his own party for his commitment to symbolic representation in an office that most people forget about half the time.
Woman Tries To Spark Casual Chat In Long Grocery Store Line As If She Not Desperately Attempting To Outrun Death #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to appear calm Monday in the face of widespread Covid-19 outbreaks, area woman Ellen Garcia sought to initiate a casual conversation in a long line at her local supermarket as though she were not, at that very moment, desperately attempting to escape the icy clutches of death. “This whole thing’s pretty crazy, huh?” said Garcia, as if the bleak specter of the eternal grave were not looming before her as she placed 16 cans of black beans on the conveyor belt and forced herself to release her tight, sweaty grip on the store’s last pack of Clorox wipes so the cashier could scan it. “I wouldn’t usually buy all these boxes of instant mashed potatoes, but I guess it’s good to stock up on a few things that will keep, just in case. They say the important thing is to not panic.” After a person behind her in line covered their mouth to cough, Garcia reportedly grabbed as many of her items as she could, left her credit card behind, and made a mad dash to her car, where she hoped a generous application of Purell would keep her one step ahead of the Grim Reaper.
Americans Urged To Help ‘Flatten The Curve’ Of Covid-19 Pandemic #~# As schools, stores, and restaurants close their doors and companies push to have employees work from home, Americans are being asked to socially distance themselves to stop the exponential spread of coronavirus. What are you doing to help #FlattenTheCurve?
Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time #~# The World Health Organization is issuing new warnings today following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep in 1860s London has tested positive for Covid-19.
Biden, Sanders Go Head-To-Head In Debate #~# Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders took the stage last night in the first one-on-one debate of the Democratic presidential primary, though due to coronavirus concerns there was no live audience and the podiums were kept six feet apart. What do you think?
Pfizer Pours All Resources Into Developing New Hyper-Depressant Pill To Help Americans Ease Transition Into Self-Quarantining #~# NEW YORK—Committing to do everything in their power to help fight the spread of Covid-19, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced Monday they were pouring all their resources into developing a new hyper-depressant pill to help Americans ease the transition into self-quarantining. “We are actively mobilizing our top scientists to engineer a treatment that will make the long days of staying confined to your homes, shuffling from couch to bathroom, feel not like a CDC-mandated burden, but the only task you’re physically capable of completing,” said Pfizer spokesperson Elaine Barnett, who explained that while participating in social distancing during the pandemic could cause feelings of frustration, the new hyper-depressant pill would help patients achieve a deep state of melancholy so they could better adjust to sitting around doing absolutely nothing. “Within just hours of taking the pill, patients will lose all motivation to get out of bed, eat, pursue and maintain relationships, or hold an interest in the outside world. Bars and restaurants all across the nation are closing, but with just one serotonin-reducing dose, patients won’t want to leave home anyway. And as a positive side effect, patients won’t care that there’s a global pandemic raging worldwide since we’re all staring down the same dull, endless tunnel.” Barnett revealed that the company was also developing dozens of expensive drugs to help manage the effects of the hyper-depressants. 
Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closure Of All Orifices #~# LAS VEGAS—Emphasizing that the high-traffic, high-impact areas could have far-reaching ramifications for the spread of coronavirus, porn industry leaders held a press conference Monday to announce the immediate closure of all orifices. “Although this was a difficult decision, as of this morning, we have ordered a nationwide closure of all slits, gashes, holes, and cracks until this global pandemic passes,” said Vivid Entertainment spokesperson Anthony Ufford, adding that while the shutdown could unfortunately leave many workers with no place to bust a nut or totally unable to get deep-dicked for weeks, it was ultimately the right thing to do. “We understand this is frustrating for many of our customers, but the fact of the matter is, the more holes that we can keep empty and unfilled, the more fingers, fists, and rock-hard cocks we can keep healthy during this difficult time. Once this is over, we assure you, faces will go back to being fucked, and pinkies will be back in the stink as soon as possible.” At press time, Ufford added that during the closure, he had also ordered every orifice to undergo a thorough deep-clean before reopening. 
10 Crazy Optical Illusions #~# This one takes a while, but it’s worth it. Try crossing your eyes and balling your fists really tight. Now stare at the image and allow your vision to get hazy. Vomit three times. See the wild stallion galloping through a river gulch?
Divorced Mom At Point In Life Where She Figures She Might As Well Start Writing Erotic Letters To Men In Prison #~# OMAHA, NE—Admitting that it was about time she put herself out there and love again, divorced mom Kathy Leahy told reporters Friday she was finally at the point in her life where she figured she might as well start writing erotic letters to men in prison. “Well, I’d been single for a while, so the timing just felt right to pick up a pen and paper and start writing sexually explicit notes to criminal offenders in maximum-security prisons,” said the 65-year-old retired mother of four, adding that while she’d always wanted to correspond with inmates and confess her deepest, most arousing fantasies, it took her a while to work up the courage to do so. “At first, I was definitely a little scared of rejection, but then I started exchanging letters with Richard, who is an arsonist and alleged serial killer serving a life sentence at ADX Florence. I know a lot of people think I’m moving too fast with him, but if you could only see the naughty things he writes back—hoo, boy. He is something else!” At press time, Leahy told reporters she had transferred her entire 401k into Richard’s legal defense fund and had been working with lawyers to help them get married while he was still behind bars.
Rob Gronkowski Signs Deal With World Wrestling Entertainment #~# Former New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has signed on to wrestle part-time for the WWE, with plans to make appearances on Smackdown and Wrestle Mania 36 ahead of an actual match later this year. What do you think?
An Alarming Crime Scene In New England #~# What we now know about the crime scene in Portland, ME that has all the different kinds of cops.
Trump Advises Americans Worried About Coronavirus To Just Get Doctor Who Always Tells Them They In Perfect Health #~# WASHINGTON—Counseling a worried nation in the midst of the ongoing Covid-19 outbreak, President Donald Trump used his televised address Friday to advise Americans worried about contracting coronavirus to just get a doctor who always tells them they are in perfect health. “For all of you out there who are worried about contracting the respiratory illness, I would recommend enlisting the service of a doctor who will just say you are totally healthy no matter what,” said the commander in chief, specifying that it’s best to find a dubiously qualified physician who is not at all respected in their field and willing to cast aside all medical ethics in order just blindly tell you that you’re in great shape without even conducting any actual tests. “If you have any concerns about this disease, just go out and get yourself a physician who will blatantly lie to you about how you’re way healthier than other people your age in order to flatter your fragile ego. Seriously, there’s nothing to be afraid of, people; all you need to do is find some spineless coward who will just give you a thumbs up and say ‘looks good’ regardless of your symptoms.” Trump later continued the address by promising all Americans that enlisting the help of doctors like these will be free and easy under his newly proposed healthcare plan.
College, Professional Sports Seasons Postponed And Suspended Following Coronavirus Fears #~# As coronavirus continues to spread, the NBA, NHL and NCAA called off the rest of their respective seasons, including the March Madness Division I Basketball Tournament, while the MLB halted spring training. What do you think?
Movie Theaters Packed With Frenzied Crowds Trying To Catch Last-Minute Screening Of ‘Sonic’ Film Before Coronavirus Hits #~# SKOKIE, IL—In preparation for what could potentially be weeks of isolation ahead, movie theaters across the country were packed with frenzied crowds trying to catch a last-minute screening of Sonic The Hedgehog before Covid-19 hits their communities, sources confirmed Friday. “Oh Geez, the lines are so long—why didn’t I do this way earlier, like as soon as I first found out about coronavirus?” said local 36-year-old Brandon Flora, who was just one of thousands of anxious consumers across the country flocking to theaters to see the animated film about an anthropomorphic hedgehog while they still had time. “Ah, shit, I hope they have enough tickets. I was going to buy one online until I saw they were being jacked up to, like, $100. Thank God AMC is rationing them to four per person, but still, people are getting pretty aggressive. You don’t realize how important something like seeing the Sonic movie in theaters truly is until it’s almost taken away from you. I’d regret it forever if I didn’t see this on the big screen. Oh no, I should have asked my elderly neighbors if they needed a ride to go see Sonic.” At press time, a fight involving dozens of theater guests had broken out over the popcorn butter dispenser. 
Frustrated Jared Kushner Doesn’t Get Why Everyone In Media Attacking His Qualifications Like They Didn’t Just Get Jobs Through Nepotism Too #~# WASHINGTON—Amid widespread criticism of the key role he has played in President Trump’s Covid-19 response, a frustrated Jared Kushner confirmed Friday he was struggling to understand why everyone in the media was attacking his qualifications as if they didn’t also get their jobs through pure nepotism. “I don’t get why I’m being slammed by all these cable news commentators and opinion columnists who, if they were put in charge of a pandemic by a powerful family member, would smugly assume they knew exactly what to do too,” said the senior adviser to the president, who explained he was especially hurt to see so many of his fellow Harvard University alumni denouncing one of their own. “You guys are acting all holier-than-thou, but if your father-in-law were president of the United States instead of a board member at some media conglomerate, you’d choose to work in the West Wing, too. Just fucking admit it.” Kushner added that this went for “all the little hypocrites” at Fox News too, who he claimed were also judging him, even if they were afraid to say it out loud.
Kushner Announces Doctors HATE Him After He Discovered One Weird Trick To CURE Coronavirus #~# WASHINGTON—In an official White House press release as the administration’s leading advisor on the viral pandemic, Jared Kushner announced Friday that doctors HATE him after he discovered one weird trick that will CURE coronavirus. “Doctors DON’T want you to know this, but you can DESTROY coronavirus FROM HOME in under 24 hours with this one simple method!!!!” read Kushner’s statement in part, advising all U.S. citizens to visit the website www.KushCures.gov NOW to experience the 100% effective coronavirus CURE discovered by a DAD. “My quick and easy coronavirus solution is helping families everywhere! To learn more, send $100 to the CDC to Find Out Now why Doctors HATE it but Moms LOVE it! Medical experts everywhere were STUMPED by the coronavirus, and they IGNORED me just because I didn’t have a doctor license, but they just don’t want you to know about this AMAZING LIFE HACK that will ensure you never have to visit your hospital for coronavirus—ever again! Plus, not only is my 30-second MIRACLE CURE completely effective at ERADICATING coronavirus, it will also help you Lose Up To 5 Pounds Of Belly Fat—and KEEP IT OFF!!!” Kushner’s official press release reportedly concluded with an exclusive limited-time offer to buy an iPad from the government for under $24.
Trump Assures Americans He Called 911 To Report Coronavirus Outbreak #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he was on top of the situation and the disease would not be spreading any further, President Donald Trump assured the nation Friday that he had called 911 to report the coronavirus pandemic and that help was on its way. “I just got off the phone with 911, they are aware of the situation, and we’ll soon have this thing taken care of,” the commander-in-chief said during a televised address on Covid-19, urging all 330 million Americans not to worry because emergency response personnel should be arriving to assist them any minute now. “I made sure to tell the operator this thing was important, and she agreed with me. So everyone should just relax and wait for them. They can send the fire department and the ambulance or both, and then they can probably give you a flu shot or something like that. It’s good. We’re in good shape.” At press time, White House sources confirmed the president had dialed 911 again to tell them that everything was actually fine and the nation didn’t need their help at all.
Health Experts Worry Coronavirus Will Overwhelm America’s GoFundMe System #~# BALTIMORE—Warning that the nation was unprepared to deal with the fallout of the global pandemic, researchers from Johns Hopkins University told reporters Friday they worried that Covid-19 would overwhelm America’s GoFundMe system. “GoFundMe is the bedrock of the American healthcare system, and as the number of Covid-19 cases continues to rapidly spread, we fear the servers just won’t be able to take it,” said research director Dr. Monica White, who stressed that if the pandemic were to grow any worse, there simply would not be enough $5 and $10 donations from sympathetic strangers to go around. “America’s GoFundMe system is already overburdened. There are only so many links from sick friends of friends we can share on social media before the whole thing collapses. We recommend that if anyone is suffering from minor financial strife such a medical debt from the cost of insulin or cancer treatment, you defer to those diagnosed with Covid-19.” At press time, GoFundMe employees announced they were working around the clock to ensure the health and safety of the nation.
Everything You Need To Know About ‘Nioh 2’ #~# After proving its mettle as one of the first Souls-like series to live up to its inspiration, Nioh 2 hit the market this week to drag gamers through an ass-kicking action game tour of feudal Japan. Here’s everything you need to know to get started.
How U.S. Organizations Are Responding To The Coronavirus Outbreak #~# As the coronavirus spreads through the United States, organizations from local businesses to multinational firms are figuring out how to cope with the effects of Covid-19’s spread on employees, consumers, and business partners. The Onion takes a look at how different organizations are responding to the coronavirus outbreak.
Guests Spit Mouthfuls Of Tuna Into Buckets At StarKist Cannery Tour Tasting Room #~# PAGO PAGO, AMERICAN SAMOA—Swishing the seafood around their mouths to fully appreciate the flavor, guests reportedly spit mouthfuls of tuna into buckets Friday at the StarKist cannery tour tasting room. “Mmm, strong fishy bouquet with this one, medium-bodied, and it finishes with some notes of salt,” said tourist Corrina Garvin, swirling the sample of oil-packed albacore tuna to examine how it streaked down the glass. “This low-sodium light tuna has a very chunky mouthfeel, which I like, but I think my favorite so far has been the 2015 vintage of the yellowfin. I’m a bit of a canned fish snob, so it’s awesome to try all these finely aged tins and this year’s new blends. Plus, it was really neat to tour the factory and see how the product goes from swimming in the ocean to being scaled, deboned and vacuum-sealed.” At press time, StarKist guests were invited to kick off their shoes, roll up their pants, and stomp tuna in barrels the old-fashioned way.
Orioles Suggest That MLB Maybe Consider Canceling Entire Season Just To Be Totally Safe #~# BALTIMORE—Insisting that this was an abundance of caution around the coronavirus and absolutely nothing else, the players and staff of the Baltimore Orioles suggested to the MLB Friday that they should consider just canceling the entire season to be safe. “We just think that given the risk there is really no reason why we should have to go out there and play 182 games this year—we just care about people’s safety is all,” said pitcher Alex Cobb, who assured reporters that the team’s lack of desire to play through the 2020 season was purely altruistic in every way. “Why play against the Yankees and the Red Sox game after game with this horrible infectious disease out there. It might seem safe to just take a month off, but it could come roaring back in the middle of July when we are already 40 games under .500, not that that matters at all. We’re just thinking about the fans and their health, nothing else.” Cobb added that given the severity of the situation and the disruption of the coronavirus, the MLB might consider just starting the entire league over from scratch next year just to be fair.
Racist ‘Song Of The South’ Will Not Be Added To Disney+ #~# Bob Iger confirmed that Song Of The South, a 1946 live-action/animated musical criticized for promoting racist stereotypes and glorifying life on Reconstruction-era plantations, will not appear on the company’s streaming service. What do you think?
Green Giant Takes A Stand Against Gun Violence #~# The vegetable packaging company Green Giant announced this week that they are rolling out a new program where gun owners can trade in their firearms for green beans.
Dow Jones Drops 20% As Pandemic Fears Grow #~# On the heels of the World Health Organization declaring coronavirus a pandemic, the Dow Jones dropped 20% from its 11-year high earlier this year and officially tipped into a bear market. What do you think?
Top U.S. Health Experts: ‘Hold On To Your Fucking Seats Because This Bitch Hasn’t Even Thought About Starting Yet’ #~# STANFORD, CA—In response to the ongoing coronavirus outbreak, top U.S. health experts warned the nation Thursday to hold onto their fucking seats, because this bitch hasn’t even thought about starting yet. “We’ve been getting a lot of questions surrounding Covid-19, and, well, you all better buckle the fuck up, because this shit is about to kick into high gear,” said Stanford professor of health research and policy Richard Mason, throwing all his papers in the air and warning the nation that they better strap in tight, because this motherfucker will knock you on your goddamn ass. “If you think it’s bad now, just fucking wait, because this son of a bitch is gonna go into full-fledged annihilation mode. Seriously, wash your hands, cut off your hands—it doesn’t fucking matter. You poor bastards are going to get absolutely fucking destroyed.” At press time, Mason knocked over his podium, curled up in a ball on the floor, and started screaming, “Steel yourselves!”
Best Buy CEO Humbly Asks If Everyone Can Go Out And Buy A Cord Or Something To Help With Company’s Coronavirus Losses #~# RICHFIELD, MN—Saying it would be a really huge help during a difficult time, Best Buy CEO Corie Barry sheepishly pleaded with Americans on Thursday to go out and buy a cord or maybe an adapter of some kind to support the electronics retailer as it faces losses related to the coronavirus. “We’re expecting lower sales and profits due to Covid-19, so if you guys could swing by sometime and pick up a cable or possibly a phone charger, that would be awfully great,” said Barry, adding that it wouldn’t have to be anything expensive, like a 25-foot HDMI cable, but could just be an extra coaxial cable, some speaker wire, or even a regular old extension cord for when you need to plug in something that’s too far away from an outlet. “It’s always good to have extra cables and stuff like that around. If you don’t need it right now, you could just put it in a drawer with all your other cords. Something to think about, anyway. And hey, while you’re in our store, maybe you’ll want to pick up something extra like a small portable Bluetooth speaker or a DVD of a movie you like. Might come in handy. Plus, we’d be so, so grateful for that.” Barry went on to state that if you don’t want to purchase any electronics at the moment, Best Buy also sells candy and soft drinks in the checkout line, and everyone deserves to have a little treat now and then.
Myth Vs. Fact: Coronavirus #~# Covid-19, or the coronavirus, has confirmed to be present in at least 112 countries, and while the number of cases have increased, so have rumors and misinformation about it. The Onion sets the record straight by debunking popular myths about the coronavirus.
BP Executives Combat Negative Perceptions Of Fossil Fuel Companies By Putting Iceberg In Hotel Room With Murdered Prostitute #~# LAS VEGAS—In an effort to rehabilitate their industry’s tarnished public image, BP executives were reportedly combating negative perceptions of fossil fuel companies Thursday by putting an iceberg in a hotel room with a murdered prostitute. “BP is committed to a greener tomorrow and acknowledges its past contributions to climate change, but incidents like this show that the melting glaciers are not wholly innocent either,” said CEO Bernard Looney shortly after slipping out of the hotel room and calling in an anonymous tip with TMZ, explaining that the large piece of freshwater ice had been found by police near the dead sex worker, reeking with booze. “Apparently, the cops found half an ounce of crystal meth on the bedside table, and from what I’ve heard the young woman may have been underage. This is, of course, a sickening, vile scene; and unfortunately, it really calls into question this glacier’s motivation for breaking off from its ice sheet in the first place.” At press time, Looney told reporters that the glacier had killed itself in police custody with a smuggled-in hairdryer.
Judge Rules Led Zeppelin Did Not Steal ‘Stairway To Heaven’ Riff #~# The U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has rejected a copyright lawsuit that claims the English rock band lifted key components from Spirit’s 1968 single “Taurus” for their song “Stairway To Heaven,” upholding a 2016 decision that found the chord progressions were “not intrinsically similar.” What do you think?
Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building #~# Scientists are calling it perhaps the biggest setback ever in the field of neuroscience. Hear why researchers believe one mouse, who’s a real little bastard, may be to blame.
Putin Backs Constitutional Amendment That Could Keep Him In Office Through 2036 #~# Russian lawmakers have introduced a proposal that would reset Vladimir Putin’s current term limit back to zero, allowing him to serve as president for two more six-year terms. What do you think? 
Best Methods For Staying Safe From Coronavirus #~# Frequently wash your hands with antibacterial soap or sanitizer to ensure the next epidemic-level pathogen has built up an immunity.
‘I Can’t Wait To Dress Up As The Coronavirus For Halloween,’ Says Man Who Will Be Dead By May #~# DUBLIN, OH—Eagerly expounding on what he described as “probably [his] best costume idea ever,” local 28-year-old Aiden Johnston, who sources confirmed will be dead by May, told reporters Wednesday he can’t wait to dress up as Covid-19 for Halloween. “Oh, man, it’d be so funny if I went as the coronavirus and my girlfriend went as the CDC—that would absolutely crush,” said Johnston, wondering aloud whether a bright-red, full-body spandex suit covered in ping-pong balls would sufficiently represent the virus that will begin wreaking havoc on his lungs in April and, within a matter of weeks, cause all of his major organs to shut down. “I wonder if there’s a way to get my dog in on it, too. I know my friends [half of whom will also reportedly die from Covid-19] would have a good laugh if I put a little surgical mask on him. Maybe I’ll even throw a quarantine-themed party and we can cover up all the windows with plastic and give out gloves and hand sanitizer at the door!” At press time, sources reported that Johnston had decided to get a head start on his costume by picking up a few things at a local Walmart, where he immediately contracted coronavirus from a shopping cart handle.
Biden Extends Olive Branch To Biden Supporters #~# PHILADELPHIA—In a largely measured speech calling for party unity after a string of primary victories, former Vice President Joe Biden took to the stage Tuesday night to extend an olive branch to Biden supporters. “I appreciate the enthusiasm and energy of Joe Biden’s voters, and I want any of his supporters who feel lost or counted out to know that there is a place for them with my campaign,” said Biden, stressing that while he and the vice president did not see eye to eye on every issue, they both shared values that represented a bold new vision for the American people. “Of course, I might have occasionally clashed with Joe Biden in the more strained moments of recent debates, but we also worked together for many years in the Senate. At the end of the day, whether you’re a Biden supporter or a Biden supporter, we have the same goal, which is to get Trump out of the White House and replace him with Joe Biden.” At press time, pundits launched into fevered speculations that the candidate’s speech could contain hints Joe Biden was mulling the choice to appoint Joe Biden as vice president.
Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri #~# WASHINGTON—Beating out her rivals with the help of a little-known technicality, Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) was named the Democratic Party’s nominee for president Wednesday after the discovery of an obscure rule that grants the nomination to whoever wins 0.7% of the vote in Missouri. “We weren’t expecting this, but after double-checking the party’s rules, it appears we are obliged to select Tulsi Gabbard as our candidate in 2020,” said Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez, shrugging his shoulders and pointing to a section of a crumbling, yellowed document that contains the esoteric bylaw. “I know a lot of Democrats were probably wondering why she was still in the race. But last night, while cross-referencing an old rule book in preparation for the upcoming debate, we came across this forgotten section of our charter, and, well, it all checks out. I admit it was a pretty cunning strategy on her part. With 100% of precincts now reporting, it appears the congresswoman received exactly 0.7% of votes in the Missouri primary yesterday. And so the time has come for us to put aside our differences and unite behind the next president of the United States, Tulsi Gabbard.” Perez went on to apologize on behalf of his entire party for not awarding the Democratic nomination for president to Sen. Furnifold McLendel Simmons (D-NC) in 1920.
Girlfriend Making Playlist Of Bands You Might Like To Associate With Her Forever #~# SEATTLE—In an unfortunately significant gesture of romantic affection, your current serious girlfriend has taken it upon herself to make you a playlist consisting of bands you might like to associate with her forever. “I’m trying to get a good mix of genres, sounds, and moods in here, all by common musical groups you will be forced to forever associate with me and what I’m going to say to you in the park next October,” said your girlfriend while browsing Spotify to cobble together songs by performers ranging from The Smiths to Tame Impala to Carly Rae Jepsen, none of whom you’ll be able to bear the sound of by this time next year. “There are a few songs in here that I just know you’re going to love, as they’re inextricably connected to memories of our all-too-brief time together. Some of them are as new as our love, but good enough that they’ll still be on the radio to haunt you years from now, and some are classic hits that I’ll ruin forever by associating them with me in your mind. I really put a lot of myself into this project.” Your girlfriend has also taken steps to ensure that you will not be able to enjoy the taste of shakshuka, currently your favorite thing to cook for her, for the rest of your natural life.
Wells Fargo Board Members Resign Following Congressional Report #~# Two Wells Fargo board members have resigned after a House committee report found the company failed to properly address previous consumer abuse scandals that include falsifying records, forging signatures, opening fraudulent accounts, charging fees on those fraudulent accounts, and mistakenly foreclosing on homes. What do you think?
Is Bernie Sanders Too Old To Be The Next James Bond? #~# A new poll shows the majority of Americans believe the senator’s age could impede him from carrying out the duties of MI6’s most daring spy.
Lucky Cruise Passengers Get Bunch Of Extra Days On Ship #~# OAKLAND, CA—Marveling at the wide range of luxurious experiences available across its many award-winning spas and restaurants, sources expressed envy this week for the 3,500 fortunate people aboard the Grand Princess who got to spend a bunch of extra days on the ship during their coronavirus quarantine. “Oh man, imagine being locked down for almost a whole extra week—free of charge—on a sweet boat with a Vegas-style casino, a mall, mini golf, and hot tubs,” said area woman Sarah Collins, who admitted she felt jealous of the passengers exposed to the potentially fatal illness as she scrolled through the grand-class cruise liner’s website, eyeing the original musical productions and imagining herself relaxing with a massage, manicure, or facial. “Are you kidding me? They’re living the life out there. They can have an authentic culinary experience at Sabatini’s Italian Trattoria, or hit the all-you-can-eat buffet for as much seafood as they want. If I were them, I’d be thanking my lucky stars for every day they refused to let me disembark.” Sources added that all the high fevers and shortness of breath were probably the result of having a few too many tiki drinks and a little too much fun dancing in the piano bar.
Twitter Adds ‘Manipulated Media’ Label To Video Retweeted By Trump #~# A new Twitter policy intended to crack down on tweets containing deceptive photos, audio, and video was deployed for the first time Sunday on an edited clip of Joe Biden that was circulated by the president and his social media director. What do you think?
Things Must Be Getting Pretty Serious For Girlfriend’s Dad To Gift Bottle Of BBQ Sauce #~# BAIRDSTOWN, OH—Admitting he was initially baffled by the unexpected present, area man Troy Williams figured that things must be getting pretty serious for his girlfriend’s dad to gift him a bottle of BBQ sauce, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Kyla and I have only been exclusive for about three months, but now that her dad made this gesture of goodwill by mailing me BBQ sauce, I guess the pressure’s on,” said Williams, motioning to the 20-ounce container of Lillie’s Carolina Barbecue sauce now sitting on his kitchen counter. “The note said Kyla told him we cooked ribs once and that this sauce is great on ribs so I should have it. I guess this is a sign that he’s welcoming me into their family? Is this some kind of test?” Williams confirmed plans to fire up the grill this weekend and have his girlfriend send her father a photograph of them consuming the BBQ sauce, which he hopes will send a clear message that he respects Kyla and appreciates her family.
Insecure Man Worried Everyone At Gym Will Stare At His Perfectly Chiseled Body #~# FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Voicing his deep-seated feelings of body-related self-consciousness, local man Will Bettner admitted Tuesday that he was worried everyone at his gym was staring at his perfectly chiseled body. “I simply want to take care of my body, but I feel like everyone is just ogling its rippling, godlike magnificence,” said Bettner, 29, who has taken to wearing large hoodies in an unsuccessful attempt to obscure his gigantic biceps. “It’s unnerving to feel everyone’s eyes on you while you deadlift more weight than they could ever dream of. Even the trainers are always on my back about my gain goals, and also if I’m single and what my phone number is. I mean, I know I should be able to love my body for what it is, but it’s hard when society sets unrealistic standards of physical perfection that I’m constantly surpassing.” Bettner told reporters that he refuses to change in the locker room out of fear that someone would see his massive penis.
‘Vote Blue No Matter Who, Vote Blue No Matter Who,’ Chants Man Filling In Every Bubble On Democratic Primary Ballot #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Determined to support all Democratic candidates without exception, local man Todd McMaster reportedly chanted “Vote blue no matter who, vote blue no matter who” Tuesday as he filled in every bubble on his party’s presidential primary ballot. “Let’s see, there’s one for Bernie, one for Biden, one for Klobuchar, one for Buttigieg—and I’d better not forget Warren or Bloomberg or Deval Patrick or Tulsi, ’cause they’re blue, too,” said McMaster, who frantically colored in the circle beside the first name on his form after noticing the candidate was a Democrat, and then did the same for the other 21 Democrats listed. “I’ve never heard of Robby Wells or Rocky de la Fuente III, but if they’re Democrats, they’re getting a vote. Almost got ’em all! Wait, hold on—I don’t see John Delaney or Kirsten Gillibrand on here. Am I supposed to write them in?” At press time, sources confirmed that McMaster had left all the down-ballot races blank.
CDC Advises Americans To Protect Against Coronavirus By Piling Into This Here Tub For A Scrubbin’ #~# ATLANTA—Reckoning that the new measure was a “mighty powerful way” to prevent the spread of the infectious disease, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention advised Americans Monday to protect against the coronavirus by piling into this here tub for a good scrubbin’. “Now listen up—we’re gonna need each and every one of y’all to come on down here to the Peach State and let one of our trained health officials give you a good old-fashioned scrub down with a strong horse-bristled brush,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, wearing an apron as he heated up another tea kettle of hot water to pour into the large metal tub outside CDC headquarters in anticipation of scouring the pesky Covid-19 germs out of all 325 million Americans over the next few days. “We’ve got to act strong and quick if we want to beat this coronavirus thing, which is why the CDC is urging all Americans to drop whatever they’re doing and hop in. Don’t be shy, okay? Take off your britches and set ‘em over yonder. Make sure you really wash up every nook and cranny. We’ll get you nice and sudsy with a bar of lye soap we purchased from the general store, then I’ll dump a bucket of warm water over you and we’ll keep scrubin’ you something fierce till you’re healthy as a newborn babe. After that, we’ll give y’all a spell with the big communal towel to pat yourselves dry.” The CDC also advised all Americans to further inoculate themselves from the coronavirus by giving all their garments and linen a fearsome scrubbin’ on a washboard in the Chattahoochee River.
NASA Says Lettuce Grown In Space Is Safe To Eat #~# A new report found that lettuce grown on the International Space Station is just as safe and nutritious as lettuce grown on Earth, a fact which scientists say will allow astronauts to supplement prepackaged food and sustain themselves on longer space expeditions. What do you think?
Pope Francis Urges Priests To Refrain From Molesting Children Over Coronavirus Fears #~# VATICAN CITY—Stressing that ensuring the safety of all clergy members remained the Holy See’s primary concern, Pope Francis issued a statement Monday urging priests worldwide to refrain from molesting children over escalating coronavirus fears. “During this trying period, we are recommending all priests do their part to stem the spread of this deadly virus by temporarily ceasing all fondling of children in their congregations,” said the supreme pontiff, acknowledging that the announcement represented a severe measure but one justified by the increased susceptibility to the virus shown by elderly priests, deacons, and bishops who engage in pedophilia with infected boys or girls. “In the event a priest feels compelled to molest a child, we’re recommending they wear a face mask and thoroughly wash their hands with soap and warm water both before and after. Of course, we understand this is an urgent concern and hope to have it sorted out within the month.” Francis also cautioned priests against succumbing to the natural impulse to touch an altar boy’s face or mouth every few minutes.
New Study Finds Most Premature Births Occur After Fetus Smells Something Delicious Outside #~# BALTIMORE—Calling the report a “revolutionary breakthrough” in the field of obstetrics, a new study published Monday by the Johns Hopkins School Of Medicine found that most premature births occurred when a fetus smelled something delicious outside. “After analyzing countless patients and the environmental factors surrounding them, we found that roughly 75% of preterm labors were initiated by a delicious, sumptuous aroma wafting up the birth canal and into the uterus,” said Dr. Hillary White, M.D., adding that pregnant women after the six-month mark should be particularly careful around smells including long, pillowy trails of steam from a freshly baked pie or the fragrant vapors from a batch of cookies being taken straight out of the oven. “In the majority of cases, once the fetus gets a whiff of a delicious pot roast or a freshly stirred stew, it will instinctively perk its nose up and begin to float along the path of the scent, dragging the umbilical cord and placenta with it. Sadly, after that, 100% of newborns end up exiting the womb, only to end up devastated when they are not allowed to eat solid foods for six more months.” At press time, researchers had published an addendum to the study, which found that the average time in labor could be reduced to just 30 minutes if mothers opted to give birth next to a freshly roasted turkey.
Dow Rallies After It Turns Out Trader Who Jumped Out Window Was Merely Having Marital Problems #~# Good news on Wall Street today as the Dow recovers following a big scare. Hear how markets surged after it was revealed the stock trader who jumped out of a high rise window only did it because his wife left him.
Pope Francis Gives Blessings Via Video In Effort To Reduce Spread Of Coronavirus #~# As the number of coronavirus cases skyrocket to over 7,375 throughout Italy, Vatican officials confirmed that Pope Francis will video stream his next two public blessings to prevent large crowds from further spreading the disease. What do you think?
Woman’s Subconscious Not Sure How Much More Clearly It Can Communicate That Her Teeth Going To Fall Out Soon #~# STANLEY, NM—Scrambling to find a way to be even more blunt, the subconscious of local woman Jessika Toler was reportedly unsure Monday how much more clearly it can communicate that her teeth are going to fall out soon. “I mean, I keep showing her different versions of the same dream where all her teeth fall out, but instead of taking that as an explicit sign she’s about to need dentures, she’s making all these weird, esoteric interpretations,” said Toler’s psyche, noting the woman’s dream journal was filled with page after page of illogical attempts to tie the nightmare to stressors in her waking life, like an upcoming work presentation and her father’s recent health diagnosis. “Some nights I have them all fall out at once. Other times, they feel loose and she spits them out one by one. What else can I do? Sister. Your. Teeth. Are. Falling. Out. Your boyfriend loves you, your finances are in order, so take a hint and go to the goddamn dentist.” At press time, Toler’s panicked subconscious was deciding whether to prioritize a nightmare about her teeth falling out or warning her that she would be naked in her old high school tomorrow.
Biden Gives Speech From South African Jail Cell Where He Still Imprisoned For Supporting Nelson Mandela #~# JOHANNESBURG—Striding across the cement floor of his sparse confines, Joe Biden gave a speech Monday from the South African jail cell where he is still imprisoned for supporting Nelson Mandela. “I have sacrificed a great deal—my freedom, my livelihood, and my safety—in my fight against apartheid, but it has all been worth it to help my great friend Nelson Mandela,” said the former Vice President, his gaunt frame pacing the 8-foot-by-7-foot cell that he has called home since he was arrested for visiting the revolutionary South African civil rights leader in the 1970s. “Despite the fact that I have been unjustly incarcerated here in Africa for decades, I am dedicated to becoming the 46th president of the United States. The fact that I have already been able to serve as your VP and as a senator before that is a testament to what I can accomplish. No walls can contain my mind, and I promise that once I am released, we’re going to the DNC and then on to the White House.” At press time, Biden assured reporters that even if Nelson Mandela does not become his running mate, he does expect an endorsement from the anti-apartheid hero to be forthcoming.
Steph Curry Returns To NBA Following Injury #~# Six-time NBA All-Star Steph Curry rejoined the Golden State Warriors this week after more than four months off recovering from a hand injury sustained during a game last October. What do you think?
FAA Restricts Passenger Jets To Flying No More Than 15 Feet Above Ground #~# New FAA regulations announced today are looking to make the skies a little safer. But can anything truly save us from those giant metal death traps hurling through the air?
73-Year-Old Billie Eilish Breaks Silence To Discuss Ravages Of Fame In Interview From Hermetically Sealed Mansion #~# LOS ANGELES—In a rare public appearance from the reclusive artist, Billie Eilish, 73, broke her silence Friday to discuss the ravages of fame in an interview from her hermetically sealed mansion. “The musician lifestyle is pretty rough, and it can take one hell of a toll on your body,” the septuagenarian singer and songwriter told reporters from her completely sterilized and germ-free home, as her gnarled fingers trembled while reaching for a container of glaucoma medication. “Yes, I got to be a superstar, but when you get to my age, you begin to wonder if it was worth all the pain and agony. Seems like only yesterday I was a carefree 16-year-old, but look at me now—I’m half-blind, I can barely stand, and my bones are as fragile as peanut brittle.” At press time, the 98-year-old Eilish had passed away quietly in her sleep. 
Smithsonian Apologizes For Fraudulent ‘Treasures Of Obama’s Tomb’ Exhibit #~# WASHINGTON—Contritely offering full refunds for all purchased tickets, the Smithsonian Institution apologized Friday for their fraudulent Treasures Of Obama’s Tomb exhibit. “We are deeply sorry for promoting these obviously manufactured artifacts, but in our defense, the supposed ‘discoverers’ offered us a really great deal on Obama’s golden sarcophagus,” said exhibit curator Monica Walsh, admitting she had not questioned either the authenticity of such “artifacts” like Obama’s ceremonial gold lapis lazuli flail, nor claims that the collection had recently completed a sold-out run at the Natural History Museum in London. “In our defense, the exhibit was such a hit and we got so much positive feedback from it that we unfortunately let the excitement cloud our judgment. After taking some time to examine the 44th president’s golden death mask more closely, we discovered it was actually brass and had only been cast a few weeks ago. Furthermore, testing also reveals that the mummies of Sunny and Bo are actually two dried pit bull corpses.” The Smithsonian has clarified, however, that while the Obama artifacts are all completely fake, the Tomb Of Michelle has been authenticated and found to be over six thousand years old.
Elizabeth Warren Suspends Presidential Campaign #~# Senator Elizabeth Warren announced that she is dropping out of the presidential race after struggling to gain traction in the primary, but has not yet announced who she is backing as both Sanders and Biden seek her endorsement. What do you think?
Man Talking Big Game About Having Shroom Hookup Folds Almost Immediately Under Pressure #~# NAHANT, MA—Suggesting a complete inability to back up his bombastic rhetoric, local man Carl Stoker, who had previously talked a big game about having a shroom hookup, had immediately folded under pressure, sources reported Friday. “Carl’s been going on and on about what a sweet connection he’s got, but as soon as I started asking for any specifics whatsoever, he completely backtracks,” said prospective drug buyer Lee Urich, telling reporters that despite Stoker’s repeated assurances that he could procure magic mushrooms whenever he wanted through a close friend of his, the moment Urich expressed interest, he had immediately begun hedging about how it would be hard to get them right now. “He’s bragging about how he still has half an ounce of super potent caps in his freezer left over from tripping balls last weekend, but when I mention that I’ve actually been looking myself, he launches into this whole song and dance about how his friend’s actually out of town for a few weeks, and even after that he doesn’t want to annoy him too much by asking to buy more right away. He just completely wussed out, which is annoying because he’s the one who brought up this shit in the first place.” Urich went on to confirm that he would still probably hit up Stoker another eight or nine times in the next year to see if he could score some shrooms.
Key Priorities For Trump’s Reelection Campaign #~# President Donald Trump will receive the Republican Party’s nomination for president, and his reelection campaign against his eventual Democratic challenger is already well underway. The Onion takes a look at the key priorities for Trump going into his reelection campaign.
Study Links High Standardized Test Scores To Being 45-Year-Old Man In Propeller Hat Pretending To Be Fifth-Grader #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Providing new insights that could influence both policymakers and educators, researchers from Vanderbilt University published a study Friday linking high standardized test scores to being a 45-year-old man in a propeller hat pretending to be a fifth-grader. “We’ve identified a strong correlation between achieving high marks on national aptitude assessments and walking into a classroom twirling your hat and holding a giant lollipop while announcing ‘I have a fresh apple for teacher!’” said research director Marcus Cline, noting that the data shows students with higher scores are also more likely to wear sailor outfits and sport rosy red cheeks. “Our research shows a near one-to-one correlation between perfect math scores and getting stuck in a child-sized desk. It’s nearly impossible for students from low-income households who are not 45-year-old men carrying slingshots to compete. We’ve found it’s especially intimidating for these kids to see one of these adults pull up in the school parking lot riding an oversized tricycle.” Cline added the only demographic that had made any progress closing the achievement gap was 65-year-old men wearing bonnets and shaking rattles.
Man Who’s Really Excited To One Day Have Children Must Be Pedophile #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Insisting there could simply be no other plausible explanation for his strange desire, sources confirmed Friday that local man Dave Katko, who is reportedly really excited to one day have children, must be a pedophile. “He’s been talking nonstop about how fulfilled he’ll be once he finally has kids—ugh, gross,” said Carmen Wilson, explaining that she was “incredibly creeped out” after her date shared photos of his niece and nephew on his phone. “You can tell he’s obsessed just from the look he gets in his eyes when he talks about holding his future son. He’s always going on about the pitter-patter of tiny footsteps, how he’ll love his children no matter what. What a fucking sicko. And he says he wants at least two! How disgusting.” At press time, Wilson was convinced her date was thinking about kids while having sex with her.
Former TV Host Must Pay PBS $1.5 Million For Violating Morality Clause #~# A jury has ruled that PBS is entitled to collect $1.5 million from former on-air personality Tavis Smiley for violating the morality clause of his employment contract after several women came forward in 2017 to accuse him of sexual misconduct and harassment. What do you think?
Biden Defends Past Inappropriate Touching Of Women As Symptom Of Stuttering Hands #~# DETROIT—Opening up about the lifelong struggle that has been a source of embarrassment and frustration, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden defended Thursday his record of inappropriately touching women as a symptom of his lifelong struggle with stuttering hands. “Since my childhood, I’ve been burdened with this debilitating problem—anytime I wrap my hands around a woman’s waist or give them a shoulder rub, it’s because of a nervous medical tick,” said Biden, choking up while recounting how much his uncontrollable caressing of women’s backs and touching of their faces have hurt him over the years. “I was often too ashamed in the past to speak about it, but I know there’s some teenager out there grabbing a classmate’s ass who needs to know they are not alone. I’ve dealt with the misfortune of seeing my hands reach out and pull a woman uncomfortably close to me and the embarrassment of them mocking me and saying ‘Stop doing that.’ I’ve worked to get it under control, and I want my supporters to be confident that I will only occasionally be touching women over the course of the presidential campaign.” At press time, Biden was attributing his support of the Iraq war and opposition to school busing as the result of a challenging brain stutter.
CDC Warns Public Of Mutating Coronavirus #~# New data show that the virus Covid-19 has become so advanced that it could now mutate into anything or anyone, even someone you trust.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg Flirting With 67-Year-Old Intern Again #~# WASHINGTON—Saying she continually walks by his office while loosening the frilly beaded collar she wears over her judicial robes, sources confirmed Thursday that Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has been flirting with the Supreme Court’s 67-year-old intern again. “She’s completely shameless—every time there’s a hot new guy in his late 60s or early 70s, she’s all over him,” law clerk Angela Young told reporters, adding that when Ginsburg was first introduced to Supreme Court intern David Kearney, she had smiled coyly at the gray-haired man and said in a husky voice, “You can just call me Ruth, sweetheart.” “The other day, I saw her sit on his desk and invite him to stop by her chambers sometime if he ever needs someone to show him the ropes. It’s the same thing every term. She just can’t help herself when there’s a 67-year-old piece of ass around.” At press time, Ginsburg had reportedly stopped Kearney as he was leaving for the day and asked if he wouldn’t mind staying late to help her with her briefs.
Dixie Chicks Release First New Single In 14 years #~# Country music trio the Dixie Chicks, who were blacklisted by networks and boycotted by fans after criticizing the Iraq War in 2003, have released a new single entitled “Gaslighter” following a 14-year break from producing music. What do you think?
‘We Have Coronavirus Under Control,’ Announces CDC Director As Nose Slowly Transforms Into Pangolin Snout #~# ATLANTA—As gasps of horror resonated throughout the crowd of reporters, CDC director Robert Redfield announced Thursday that the spread of coronavirus was under control while his nose slowly transformed into a pangolin snout. “I want to assure the public that we acted quickly and aggressively to halt the progress of this virus, and now the threat is neutralized,” said Redfield, tugging at his shirt sleeves to conceal the hard scales that were forming along his clawed hands, his thin tongue snaking out of his narrowed muzzle to wrap around the microphone stand. “We’ve prevented a global pandemic and—argh, it hurts—Americans can rest assured Covid-19 is nothing to worry about. Oh God, what’s happening to me? Without our hardworking medical professionals, this could have ballooned into a nationwide crisis with far-reaching consequences. I do, however, want to stress that I need ants. Ants! Me want ants.” At press time, health officials were urging Atlanta residents to wash their hands if they had recently come into contact with an enormous feral pangolin.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been #~# NEW BEDFORD, MA—Irking fellow users with their gross displays of congenial rhetoric, disagreeing Twitter commenters Sydney Ramstead and Brian Packer engaged in a self-congratulatory civility that was honestly worse than an outright fight would have been, sources confirmed Thursday. “God, I would rather these guys tell each other to fuck off than continue this preening exchange where they go on and on about how much they respect each other’s opinions,” said Kyle Lim, a witness to the nauseating debate who described the exasperation he felt as the two participants repeatedly expressed how they each thought the other brought up interesting points and how they were both glad to be taking part in good-faith dialogue with a formidable opponent. “They won’t shut up about the ‘importance of civil discourse’ and how the internet would be a much better place if everyone were a bit nicer. Ugh, this is unbearable. Drop the posturing already and just tell him he can eat shit!” At press time, Lim reportedly couldn’t take it anymore and jumped into the conversation to inform the two debaters they were both Nazis.
Vindictive Amy Klobuchar Elected Mayor Of South Bend, Indiana #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Triumphantly celebrating victory with an adoring crowd of supporters, vindictive former Democratic presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar was elected mayor of South Bend, IN, sources confirmed Thursday. “South Bend has taken a step into a bright new day by finally electing a leader it deserves, and I’m here to help heal this broken city,” said the newly elected Mayor Klobuchar, relishing the crowd’s applause as confetti rained down over her shoulders. “When touring across America, I saw no city that had been more mistreated and dismissed by its local officials than South Bend. I promise you, I will work tirelessly to overturn the mistakes of the previous administration. We’ll be destroying the river walk and the smart sewer system and ending the Commuters Trust—all wastes of taxpayer money. You deserve a mayor who doesn’t abandon you to fly to other states that he has no chance of winning, or take time away from focusing on your welfare to criticize the intelligence of dedicated, experienced senators. Congratulations, South Bend, your eight-year nightmare is finally over.” At press time, Klobuchar’s administration had convicted 80% of the city’s black population.
Biden Wondering Where All This Support Was When He Still Had Functioning Brain #~# WILMINGTON, DE—As the moderate wing of the Democratic Party consolidated its backing around his candidacy, former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly wondered Thursday where all this support was back when he still had a functioning brain. “Here’s the deal: I’m flattered that everyone’s voting for me and the big Democratic donors are giving me a lot of money, but look, I used to have a general idea of what was happening, and it would’ve been nice if they’d shown me that kind of support back then,” said the former vice president, trailing off and staring blankly for a moment before telling reporters that he didn’t win a single state when he ran for the party’s nomination in either 1988 or 2008, when he would have been physically and cognitively prepared for the demands of running in a general election. “I’ve been pandering to people and compromising progressive goals for decades, and now you’re just throwing all this campaign support and money behind me? I was lucid for 70 years! I honestly can’t figure you people out. Why are you just now saying Joe Biden should be president when I can’t hold a train of thought for longer than 10 seconds or talk to anyone on the campaign trail without getting agitated and sticking my finger in their face? What is your deal?” Sources confirmed that Biden also wondered why the Democrats were supporting him now that he wouldn’t be the only candidate in clear mental decline with a history of reactionary policies in the race.
WHO Warns Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time #~# GENEVA—Following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep had tested positive for Covid-19, the World Health Organization warned Thursday that new outbreaks in Victorian England confirm the coronavirus is capable of spreading through time. “We have received a telegraph indicating that coronavirus has been detected in 1860s London, which means the likelihood of this disease reaching other eras of human civilization is a near certainty,” said WHO director-general Tedros Adhamon, adding that anyone born after 1837 should take precautions by avoiding unclean debtors prisons, drafty boarding schools, and stuffy manor houses. “An outbreak of coronavirus in ancient Mesopotamia could absolutely devastate technological progress throughout the last several millennia, imperiling life as we know it. Once you consider the poor hygiene and lack of sewage systems in places like Medieval France or Babylon in 1100 B.C., it’s easy to see how this could spiral into an unceasing pandemic. We’re warning people across all time and space to please wash your hands for at least 20 seconds.” At press time, WHO officials urged all future humans to quarantine themselves within their current timeline until a vaccine becomes available.
Amazing Collaboration: NASA Is Working With Nintendo To Learn How They Got The ‘?’ Blocks In ‘Mario’ Games To Float In The Air #~# Calling all Nintendo fans! Two of our favorite things in the world, NASA and the Mario franchise, are coming together in a major collaboration. NASA confirmed in a recent press conference that they’ve been working with Nintendo for years to learn how to get the famous question mark blocks from the Mario Bros. games to float in the air.
Apple Ordered To Pay Up To $500 Million Over Slow iPhones #~# Apple will pay up to $500 million to settle a class-action lawsuit following accusations the company used software updates to purposely slow down older iPhones in order to compel users to purchase new models. What do you think?
Health Officials Ask Americans To Stop Buying Face Masks #~# As the number of confirmed coronavirus cases continues to grow, U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams urged Americans to stop purchasing face masks, noting that the masks are intended only for healthcare providers and people who are currently ill. What do you think?
Catholic Leaders Transfer Most Alluring Children To Another Church #~# Vatican officials are under fire for what many are calling their ineffectual, soft-handed response to charges of mass sexual abuse within the Catholic church. Will transferring the most alluring Catholic children to another church be enough?
Serial Killer Nostalgic For Bygone Days When He Could Still Get Excited By Something As Simple As Setting A Dog On Fire #~# SEATTLE—Reflecting on the lost innocence of his youth, area serial killer Grant Southerton was reportedly feeling nostalgic Wednesday for those bygone days when he was still able to get excited by something as simple as setting a dog on fire. “Yeah, back when I was a kid, I remember spending hours absolutely enthralled by nothing more than pouring gasoline on a neighborhood stray and lighting a match,” said Southerton, fondly recalling his guileless childhood when he’d spend an entire afternoon ripping a squirrel apart with a pair of pliers just for the sheer wonder of it. “These days, when I watch the life drain out of a victim’s eyes and realize how it’s become so rote, I feel a million miles away from that carefree youth. And yes, I admit I’m probably looking at my past with rose-colored glasses—it could get mighty frustrating trying to cut through bone with my little pocket knife or having to bury the evidence in the backyard creek, but I still really miss those halcyon days when it wasn’t about the notoriety, it wasn’t about making them all pay, it was just about the quiet joy of murdering a helpless creature.” Southerton added that he was hoping to recapture some small measure of that youthful spirit by setting aside some time to vivisect a litter of kittens.
Sanders Supporter Urges Importance Of Listening To Minority Voices Just Not Specifically The Ones Who Handed Victory To Biden #~# DETROIT—Stressing the need for inclusivity and intersectionality in the 2020 Democratic primaries, local Bernie Sanders supporter Kevin Randall took to Facebook Wednesday to stress the importance of listening to minority voices, just not any of the ones that have handed victory to Joe Biden. “We need to make clear that, with the exception of those who showed up in droves to vote for Biden in South Carolina and on Super Tuesday, our movement has room for all people of color,” wrote Randall, who explained that it’s important to avoid becoming siloed within one’s own narrow worldview and to empathize with Americans from every background who did not just make Biden the new frontrunner last night. “Marginalized groups are being shut out of these conversations, so we need to take a moment to hear what, in particular, 18-to-35-year-old, college-educated, progressive black and Latino voters from western states have to say. They, along with the tiny minority of working-class citizens in disenfranchised minority communities who object to the moderate platform of Joe Biden, should not be made to feel invisible in our democracy.” Randall later added that it was also important to listen to older Jewish people, except for the ones who cast ballots for Mike Bloomberg.
Frustrated Bloomberg Staffer Literally Just Aborted Fetus For This Job #~# NEW YORK—Expressing her displeasure about the unfortunate timing of her boss dropping out of the presidential primary, Bloomberg staffer Eliza Wilkonson was reportedly frustrated Wednesday that she had literally just aborted a fetus for this job. “God damn it, I wish Mike could have given me a little heads up,” said Wilkonson, confirming her annoyance at having received the news about the former New York mayor suspending his campaign mere minutes after she returned to her office from the abortion clinic. “He’d been dropping hints for weeks about how hard it would be for me to give this job my all if I was distracted with a child, so it would have been nice if he had thought to contact me about his plans before I went to all this trouble. It sucks too because I had been really looking forward to having this kid.” Wilkonson added that she felt especially aggravated knowing that she wouldn’t be able to vent about her situation due to the non-disclosure agreements she’d been forced to sign.
Biden Says Incredible Comeback Proves He Can Beat Progressive Democrat In A General Election #~# LOS ANGELES—Touting his Super Tuesday victories as evidence that he would stand strong in the face of any real change, Joe Biden announced Wednesday that his incredible electoral comeback proves he can beat a progressive Democrat in the general election. “Democratic voters have spoken, they know that when it comes to the presidential election, I would be by far the most likely candidate to defeat Bernie Sanders,” said Biden, who cited his strength among a wide variety of demographic groups as proof he was the unity figure the party needs to fight back against the Democratic Socialists they would be facing in November. “People know this election is the most important of our lifetime, and we need to nominate someone who can stop progressive policies in their tracks. In fact, if we harness that energy, I have no doubt we can deliver a resounding defeat to the entire Democratic party.” Biden ended his victory speech by claiming that if this momentum continued, the Democrats could be celebrating their biggest victory over their opponents ever at July’s convention.
Elderly Woman Wheeling Oxygen Tank Takes Over Bus’ Priority Seating Like Most Feared Inmate On Prison Yard #~# PHILADELPHIA—Without speaking a single word, an elderly woman carting an oxygen tank reportedly caused riders to scatter from the priority seating area of a city bus Wednesday as though she were the most feared inmate on a maximum-security prison yard. The visibly frail woman, who reportedly clutched her walker as a convict might grip a shiv carved from a toothbrush, is said to have sent the former occupant of her seat scrambling to the back of the bus with a mere glance. She was then seen lowering herself down into the seat like a tattooed gang hitman with multiple life sentences, including one for a murder committed while in prison, who had chosen to commandeer the yard’s bench press. Reports later confirmed that passengers had cleared the aisle after the bus reached a stop and the woman—who signaled what was about to happen like an inmate giving the order to stab a rival gang leader in the neck—nodded toward the exit.
Worst Pandemics In Global History #~# The spread of Covid-19, or the coronavirus, has reached every continent except Antarctica, with a death toll surpassing 3,000, and the World Health Organization announced that countries should prepare for a global pandemic. The Onion takes a look at the worst disease pandemics in world history.
Woman Braces Self As Documentary Shows Sea Lions Happily Swimming Near Shoreline #~# BULLHEAD CITY, AZ—Wincing while reaching for the remote control, area woman Leigh Cortez braced herself Wednesday as the documentary she was watching panned in on a group of sea lions swimming near the shoreline. “Oh no, it’s a bunch of baby sea lions splashing around the ocean with their moms, so I know something super messed up is about to happen,” said Cortez, digging her nails into the couch cushion as the show’s music shifted and the camera zoomed in on a large male sea lion perking up his ear flaps. “It started so peacefully with the whole colony sunning themselves on the beach, but they keep cutting to the surf so I know a bunch of orcas or a shark or some shit is about to go hog wild on these sea lions. I should have bailed when David Attenborough dropped his voice and uttered, ‘Swimming is good fun, but the water is not a safe place for young pups.’ That cute little one trailing behind the others clearly doesn’t know what’s coming. He’s toast.” Cortez told reporters that she planned to watch the documentary’s upcoming scene involving a lizard fighting a snake because she “doesn’t give a fuck about reptiles.”
‘Judge Judy’ Ending After 25 Seasons #~# Retired family court judge Judy Sheindlin announced that her eponymous courtroom reality show, which garners nearly nine million viewers a day and has made her one of the highest-paid television personalities of all time, will end following 25 years on air. What do you think?
Amazing News Gamers: Everyone Is Having A Great Time Playing Video Games #~# Gamers, get ready, because we have some news that’s sure to make your day a little brighter: It turns out that everyone out there is having a lot of fun playing video games.
Area Man Unaware Lifelong Aerosmith Fandom Caused By Early Imprinting Of Steven Tyler As Father Figure #~# OLATHE, KANSAS—Completely ignorant to the root cause of his love and reverence for the band, restaurant server Kenny Angelos reportedly remained unaware Tuesday that his lifelong Aerosmith fandom is in fact the result of his early imprinting of Steven Tyler as his father figure. “Man, Steven Tyler fucking rules!” said Angelos while busily busing tables, oblivious that his underlying reason for owning a complete collection of Aerosmith albums and seeing the band live 27 times was due to his repeated exposure to the frontman’s likeness in the critical period shortly after his birth, an experience resulting in a deep subconscious filial connection to the artist that informs his tastes, behavior, and attitude toward masculinity to this day. “Ever since I can remember, I’ve been, like, their biggest follower. I don’t know what it is about them, but man, they really are something special.” Angelos added that he is also a big fan of Steven Tyler’s daughter, actress Liv Tyler, for whom he has always felt a certain brotherly affection.
White House Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt #~# On this Super Tuesday, Democrats in a number of key states are headed to the polls, but Republicans are outraged. Hear why many on the right are calling the 2020 election nothing more than a partisan witch hunt aimed at unseating the president.
Americans Urged To Stockpile Loved Ones Ahead Of Coronavirus Outbreaks #~# ATLANTA—Acknowledging there was already a concerning scarcity before the epidemic reached U.S. shores, officials from the Centers for Disease Control urged Americans Tuesday to stockpile loved ones ahead of imminent nationwide coronavirus outbreaks. “With cases of COVID-19 now confirmed in 15 states, we are advising all citizens to begin stocking up on cherished family members and friends immediately,” said CDC Director Robert Redfield, warning that the rapidly spreading, highly contagious respiratory disease could lead to a shortfall of lovers, confidantes, significant others, and favorite relatives not seen in more than a century. “We anticipate diminished supplies of loved ones as the outbreaks increase, so please, before it’s too late, make sure you are maintaining an adequate reserve of people you really and truly care about in this world. Also, if you have any dearly beloved grandparents, put them somewhere safe, as our data indicate they will, as always, be the first to go.” Redfield added that if available quantities of loved ones reached critically low levels, the CDC was prepared to order the rationing of companions, both intimate and merely friendly, amongst the American populace at large.
Buttigieg, Klobuchar Endorse Biden After Suspending Campaigns #~# After ending their presidential bids earlier this week, both Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar say they are endorsing former Vice President Joe Biden for the Democratic nominee. What do you think?
God Happens Upon Tribe Of Primitive, Sky-Worshipping Angels In Previously Uncontacted Region Of Heaven #~# THE HEAVENS—Expressing confusion as to the origin of the primitive celestial messengers, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, came across a tribe of sky-worshipping angels Tuesday in a region of Heaven previously believed to be uninhabited. “Thus far, they’ve been unreceptive to My word—when I sent John to act as My missionary, they wounded him with a crude obsidian spear,” said the Lord, admitting He still has “a lot to learn” about the tribe. “They speak a completely different dialect of Enochian, so it’s been difficult to explain the New Testament to them. They harvest some form of manna for nourishment and praise the sky for providing their bounty. Just goes to show that I don’t know everything.” At press time, God announced plans to completely wipe out the tribe if they do not convert to Christianity. 
Snack Industry Runs Out Of Ways To Escalate The Word ‘Cheese’ #~# WASHINGTON— Confessing that unprecedented breakthroughs were necessary if they hoped to keep consumers engaged, multiple spokespeople confirmed Tuesday that the snack industry has run out of ways to escalate the word ‘cheese.’ “Quaint terms like cheezalicious, cheesetastic, and cheesesplosion were good expressions in their time, but we’re now in danger of completely exhausting the capacity of the English language to describe cheese-based products,” said Kraft marketing head Anna Chavez, one of many executives who believe the industry has reached the ceiling on cheese-based adjectives. “If a play on words involving any milk-solids-based foods can be made, we’ve made it: variety-based, danger-oriented variants like Mozzrageous and Swissdemeanor, sexually themed terms like Cheesegasmic and Pepperjackulation, even fatalistic long-form experiments like No Whey Out and Cheddar Off Dead. Frankly we’re out of ideas.” Several dairy snack insiders warned that unless a breakthrough is reached soon, the industry may be faced with the horror of returning to merely descriptive terms such as “extra cheesy.”
Last-Minute Change To Super Tuesday Primary Rules Requires All 14 States To Vote At Same Polling Place #~# CLARKSVILLE, AR—In an effort to reduce confusion and improve transparency, Democratic National Committee officials confirmed that last-minute changes to the Super Tuesday primary rules would require all 14 states to vote at the same polling place. “We want to consolidate the process and cut down on red tape, so Democratic voters casting ballots in any of today’s 14 primary races need to report to Pyron Elementary in Clarksville, AR before polls close at 7:30 p.m.,” said DNC chair Tom Perez, adding that voters from Alabama, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Minnesota, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, and Virginia should check in at the table inside the auditorium, accessible from the school’s north entrance, while those from American Samoa would be caucusing in the gym. “Clarksville is centrally located in the middle of the country, which we hope most people will find convenient. We expect the line to stretch a good 20-30 miles long, but once you reach the voting booth, you’ll be in and out—bang—in about 10 minutes. We encourage everyone to be patient, and I recommend bringing enough food and water to last several days. A folding chair probably wouldn’t be a bad idea, either.” At press time, volunteers manning the Clarksville location confirmed that only two of the five voting machines were currently working.
Panicked WHO Officials Not Sure How To Respond After Coronavirus Brings 12 People Back To Life #~# GENEVA—Acknowledging they were taken aback by the latest development in the global epidemic, panicked World Health Organization officials were reportedly unsure how to respond Tuesday after the coronavirus brought 12 people back to life. “Uh, okay, so COVID-19 remains a very grave health concern, but we have to admit that the disease returning a dozen people from the dead is a definite upside,” said WHO director-general Tedros Adhanom, urging citizens to practice good hygiene in an effort to stop the transmission of the pathogen unless they have recently deceased loved ones, in which case it might make sense to encourage the spread. “If you have recently traveled to an infected area, we urge you to stay quarantined within morgues and graveyards in the hopes that your disease will bring some people back. As a reminder, the elderly and infirm are particularly at risk of coronavirus, so please exercise caution, unless you’re already suffering from a terminal disease in which case, I guess, do your best to contract the virus, maybe? I don’t know, this one’s a real head scratcher.” Adhanom added that a potential response had been further complicated by reports that the 12 afflicted individuals had gained super strength and were capable of running hundreds of miles without getting tired. 
Biden Confident After Spending Super Tuesday Stumping Across Iowa #~# DES MOINES, IA—Expressing optimism about how the upcoming electoral contest would play out, presidential candidate Joe Biden was reportedly feeling confident about his chances this week after spending Super Tuesday stumping across Iowa. “I’ve spent the last 24 hours crisscrossing the state to get people excited about the Biden campaign, and tonight all that hard work pays off,” said the former vice president, recalling the dozens of stops he’d made in towns like Dubuque and Mason City to hold rallies in school gyms and rec centers to urge Iowans to vote. “I’m feeling really good about our chances here, especially since it seems like a lot of my rivals have completely given up on the state. You’d be amazed how shocked Hawkeyes are when they see me stopping into their local diner, and I think we’re going to be able to translate that excitement into big numbers at the polls.” Biden added that he was hopeful his momentum from Iowa would propel him to a knock-out victory in New Hampshire.
Astronomers Discover ‘Mini-Moon’ Orbiting Earth #~# Astronomers in Tucson have discovered a car-sized asteroid circling the planet, which they believe was captured by Earth’s gravitational pull in 2017 but will soon spin off to continue its journey around the sun. What do you think?
New Neutrogena Deep Cleanse Just 130-Pound Chimp That Rips Your Face Off #~# LOS ANGELES—Touting the new beauty regimen’s fast-acting, long-lasting effects, Neutrogena released a new deep-cleansing dermal kit Tuesday that’s just a 130-pound common chimpanzee, which combats the buildup of oil, grime, and dead cells in skin by ripping your face clean off. “The exfoliating tool at the heart of our latest skincare kit, the most effective yet for eliminating blackheads and other facial blemishes, is an all-organic West African chimpanzee and a pointed fair-trade eucalyptus stick to poke him with in order to make him face-ripping angry,” said Neutrogena spokesperson Kiersten Guthrie, noting that the great ape’s razor-sharp canine teeth can cleanly remove up to three layers of damaged skin from a human skull in less than five seconds. “Once the chimpanzee has been enraged, he will signify the beginning of the skin-care regimen by letting loose several terrifying screams, after which he will aggressively go to work on your face’s problem areas by clawing off your epidermis. And the whole apparatus is easily and cheaply recharged with commercially available bananas.” Neutrogena’s advanced maintenance kit, which contains a bullwhip, a tranquilizer gun, and a net, will be sold separately.
Tom Steyer Drops Out Of Democratic Presidential Race #~# Billionaire former hedge fund executive Tom Steyer, who spent over $260 million of his own money on his presidential bid, has dropped out of the race after taking third place in the South Carolina primary on Saturday. What do you think?
Report: More Americans Opting To Cut Cord By Building, Launching Own Satellite Into Orbit #~# BOSTON—Offering fresh insight into how the nation consumes media, a report from Emerson College revealed Monday that more Americans are opting to cut the cord on cable television by building and launching their own satellite into orbit. “Our research has found that an increasing number of Americans are looking for more choices from their television provider, leading them to affix a satellite to a rocket and send it hurling through the earth’s atmosphere,” said report author Carol Silverman, noting that consumers were drawn to the flexibility that comes from having a personal signal-receiving device circling the planet despite a comparatively high installation fee of $120 million. “While older Americans in particular still appreciate the simplicity of cable television, newer generations are eager for more viewing options, and appreciate that once their satellite is set up, there’s very little maintenance required apart from occasionally clearing it of space debris or giving it a slight realignment if it’s struck by a meteor.” Silverman added that the report also found more consumers than ever canceling their internet service in favor of installing thousands of miles of fiber optic cables deep below the ocean’s floor.
DNC Commits To Younger-Looking Leadership With New Rejuvenating Skincare Routine #~# Democratic leaders hope to bring in fresh, butter-soft, blemish-free appearances to the party with a new $40 million pledge toward rejuvenating skin care products.
Man Commits To Being Overly Nice For Next 45 Minutes To Friend He Just Snapped At #~# CHICAGO—Realizing that dramatic overcompensation was the best way to lift the tension, claims adjuster Ben Carroll committed to being excessively nice for the next 45 minutes to his friend, Thomas Ball, whom he had just snapped at. “The only way to fix this is to laugh at his jokes—which are never funny, by the way—and buy his next couple drinks, even though he never pays for mine,” said Carroll between complimenting Ball on his shirt, hair, and “general vibe.” “Maybe I should crack a joke about how I just lost it on him. That might do the trick. If he had just clapped back at me this wouldn’t even be a thing. Thomas can be so aggravating sometimes. No, most of the time.” Carroll was later overheard resigning himself to being nice for three additional weeks after losing his shit with Ball for misremembering a quote from The Godfather.
Eukaryote Traumatized After Accidentally Witnessing Parent Cell Undergo Mitosis #~# COLD SPRING HARBOR, NY—Recoiling in disgust while recalling the upsetting incident, a eukaryotic cell confirmed Monday that it had been severely traumatized upon accidentally witnessing its parent cell divide and replicate itself through a process of mitosis. “God, it was so gross—all the organelles were just hanging out, and you could see everything,” said the 4-week-old diploid somatic cell, claiming that the repulsive image of its parent making genetically identical copies of itself would remained burned in its memory for the rest of its two-month lifespan. “There was cytoplasm everywhere! Ugh. I knew it was something that happened, obviously. It’s how I was brought into the world. But even if you understand, in the abstract, that your parent cell is an asexual being, nobody wants to think about it being split in two like that, let alone come membrane-to-membrane with it. I mean, Jesus, I came in right when it was reaching telophase.” The eukaryotic cell added that immediately after the distressing event it was so queasy it wanted to commit apoptosis “right then and there.”
Depressed Mom Can’t Even Enjoy Adult Son’s New Haircut #~# TOLEDO, OH—Provoking widespread familial concern with her uncharacteristically gloomy outlook, depressed mother Linda Cartwright reportedly displayed a complete inability Monday to enjoy her adult son’s new haircut. “I knew something was wrong when she didn’t say anything about how grown-up and neat I look,” said Nick Cartwright, 25, after sending his mother a photo of his new high-fade and receiving only an apathetic thumbs-up emoji in response. “Mom pestered me for weeks about how I was getting shaggy. For her to be completely unfazed by how short I got it on the sides makes it pretty clear she’s struggling. Normally, she makes a huge deal about how I’m such a handsome young man, posting pictures of me on Facebook so all her friends can see how nice my hair is, but right now, it seems she’s deriving no pleasure from things she used to enjoy. She didn’t even seem to care that I finally shaved my beard.” At press time, Cartwright had called for a welfare check on his mother upon learning she had expressed indifference to seeing him wear a button-down shirt she had picked out for him.
Buttigieg Drops Out Of Democratic Race After Slamming Own Plan To Be President As ‘Naive, Unrealistic Pipe Dream’ #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Insisting that he was only selling false hope and dividing the Democratic party, Pete Buttigieg dropped out of the 2020 race this week after slamming his own plan to be president as a naive and unrealistic pipe dream. “To run for president and sell these unworkable ideas of unity when I have no plans for actually achieving them is unfair to the American people,” said Buttigieg, who attacked his campaign as inflexible and alienating to anyone who did not agree with his narrow worldview of what the Democratic party should be. “For me to step on stage and sell myself as president of the United States is just absurd. This election is too important for Americans to take a risk on this fantasy of a small city mayor who could magically transform politics. The disingenuous, ego-driven promises, soaring rhetoric, and lack of results are why people have grown sick of Washington, and why I should drop out of the presidential race.” At press time, Buttigieg had declined to endorse another candidate, noting that suggesting Democrats had any chance of winning in November would just be another empty promise.
Olive Garden Unveils New All-You-Can-Eat Assisted Suicide Dinners For Terminally Ill Customers #~# ORLANDO, FL—Touting the offer as an ethical, mouth-watering option for those suffering from incurable diseases, Olive Garden unveiled a new all-you-can-eat assisted suicide dinner Thursday for terminally ill customers. “Whether you are suffering from late-stage cancer or a degenerative neurological disease, Olive Garden is proud to offer our new Life-Ending Pasta Bowl for just $12.99 a person,” said spokesperson Carissa Tate, adding that the deal, which also included Olive Garden’s signature unlimited breadsticks, soups, and salads, was guaranteed to make diners’ final moments fast, painless, and delicious. “Rather than waiting for your own slow and excruciating death, take control of your last moments with our pasta favorites, including our famous Cheese-filled Gnocchi or Lobster Ravioli. So, come on down to Olive Garden—when you’re here, you can die with family.” At press time, Olive Garden had come under fire for a graphic television commercial showing a waiter solemnly closing an elderly woman’s eyes after taking her final bite of baked ziti.
Damning New Footage Shows Sanders In 1980s Arguing Madonna Could Never Make Transition From Music To Film #~# NEW YORK—In a video from late 1984 that was circulating online Friday and could severely damage his bid for the presidency, Bernie Sanders can be heard openly questioning whether Madonna was likely to succeed in the transition from making records to acting in major motion pictures. “Look, she’s an undeniable pop sensation with a promising string of top-20 hits to her credit, but let me tell you something: There’s no guarantee that kind of talent is going to translate to the silver screen,” Sanders, then mayor of Burlington, VT, says in a local public-access broadcast in which he clearly exhibits short-sightedness in his failure to anticipate the undeniable success the Material Girl would achieve in box-office smashes such as A League Of Their Own and Evita. “Madonna should stick to music. People love this Like A Virgin album, it’s a lot of fun to dance to, and she needs to build on its success. Taking time away from that to focus on what are sure to be small, insubstantial roles in lackluster films? That’s career suicide.” Reminded by reporters that Madonna had won acclaim for her role in Desperately Seeking Susan just a few months after his videotaped remarks, a visibly angry Sanders argued that Rosanna Arquette had carried that entire film and anyone who said otherwise didn’t know “a goddamn thing” about acting.
Americans Conned Out Of $201 Million In Online Romance Scams In 2019 #~# According to the Federal Trade Commission, Americans were scammed out of $201 million in online dating schemes last year, a 40% increase from 2018, with the average victim losing $2,600 and victims over 70 losing closer to $10,000. What do you think?
Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years #~# WASHINGTON—Warning that many Americans would be caught completely off guard, researchers at the University of Iowa released an alarming study Friday revealing that the majority of U.S. citizens are not prepared for when the sun engulfs the Earth in 7.5 billion years. “We polled thousands of people across all demographics and found that the average citizen hasn’t even considered what steps they need to take to prepare for the day when, 7.5 billion years from now, our Earth is wholly consumed by the sun,” said lead researcher Dr. Arnold Hatley, adding that 82% of respondents lack savings to purchase items they would need in an emergency like escape pods or sunscreen. “Maybe the sun won’t explode for another 10 billion years, or maybe it’ll blow up in 2 billion years, we really don’t know. But what we do know is that if Earth were scorched down to its rocky core today, literally every single person in the country would die. That’s why we recommend creating a plan with your family on where to meet and stay safe when civilization is wiped from the universe in a flash of fiery horror.” The study also found that only one in four Americans is prepared for the day the moon floats away, causing the tides to cease.
Weighted Blanket Sure To Succeed Where CBD, Salt Lamp, Oil Diffuser, Acupressure Mat, Bath Bombs, And White Noise Machine Failed #~# CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Expressing relief that her new purchase would finally help her get a more restful night’s sleep, area woman Wanda Armonson confirmed Friday that her weighted blanket was sure to succeed where CBD, a salt lamp, an oil diffuser, an acupressure mat, bath bombs, and a white noise machine had previously failed. “It really didn’t work out with the valerian root, blue light filter, cooling gel eye mask, knee pillows, scented candles, or humidifier, so I’m looking forward to this weighted blanket finally getting the job done,” said Armonson, telling reporters that the new blanket would be a welcome change of pace from the largely ineffectual melatonin pills, lavender room spray, electric shoulder massager, Bluetooth dimming light bulbs, guava tea, and memory foam mattress she had tried previously. “I admit I’ve been suckered in by some of these sleep trends before, which is why I’m happy to finally move past the magnesium supplements, ocean wave projector, air purifier, dozens of meditation apps, and incense to something that actually works.” Armonson also noted that if for some reason the weighted blanket didn’t meet her expectations, she had heard great things about blackout curtains.
Man In Quarantine Can’t Remember How Long It’s Been Since He Danced Through Town Square Followed By Big Chorus Of Friendly Locals #~# NEWCASTLE, WA—Expressing nostalgia for the routines of his life before stay-at-home orders began, local man Bryan Miller told reporters Thursday he had lost any sense of how much time had passed since he last danced through his community’s central square trailed by a rollicking chorus of friendly townspeople. “Was it really only a month or two ago that I promenaded through the town, stopping along the way to be twirled and dipped by a smiling, Lindy Hopping postman?” Miller said as he looked out his apartment window onto the empty streets below, quietly humming the chorus from one of his town’s all-time favorite showstoppers. “It feels like ages since I’ve stopped in to give Widow Jenkins a big hey-hello and how-do-you-do, let alone traded off a series of increasingly intricate tap-dancing moves with Mr. Beasley, the baker. Think how hard this must be for the old folks, who haven’t even been able to toss their walkers aside and form a kick line while a nearby construction crew pounds out a jaunty beat with its hammers. Let’s face it, without women handing off their babies to strangers and back-handspringing their way across the street, this place is a ghost town.” At press time, the mayor, Barrett J. Walmsley III, was heard eagerly ringing the bell in town square, shouting “Hear ye, hear ye!” and announcing the summer cotillion would have to be canceled, which further darkened Miller’s mood.
Look, Brother, Sister Don’t Like That They’re Soulmates Either #~# SANTA CLARITA, CA—Saying they weren’t exactly thrilled that the universe paired them together with an unbreakable cosmic link, siblings Jessica and Grant Karlsson told reporters Thursday that, like everyone else, they didn’t like that they were soulmates either. “Look, if I could fall in love with anyone else on the planet, I would, but unfortunately, my biological sibling just happens to be the only one for me,” said Grant, adding that while he never imagined growing up and sharing an undeniably profound physical and emotional connection with his older sister of two years, there’s nothing they could do about it now. “Would I rather settle down with a nice girl who I like, have a normal marriage, and raise normal kids? Of course. But unfortunately, the only time I really feel complete as a human being is when I look deep into my sister’s perfect eyes. So, that’s where we’re at.” At press time, Grant told reporters he was at least grateful the universe hadn’t forced him to fall in love and be paired off for all eternity with his own mother. 
Exhausted Parents Struggling To Limit Child’s Time Using Gun #~# DENVER—Following weeks of being continually sheltered in place with the 4-year-old, exhausted parents Josh and Natasha Kachel admitted Thursday that they were struggling to limit their son’s time using the family gun. “We used to only let him use it for about an hour every day, but with the quarantine, it’s just been really hard to find things for Jackson to do,” said mother Natasha, explaining how letting their son use the revolver in the other room made it easier for the parents to focus on working from home. “We realize it’s not good for his mental and physical health to be constantly using the gun. For example, he used to be a great sleeper, but now he’s waking up at 5 a.m. screaming ‘Gun, gun, gun!’ until we get it for him. There used to be a safety lock and everything, but he figured out how to get past that pretty quickly, so now we let him do what he wants with it just to give ourselves a break. I guess you need to know how to use a gun to get ahead in life anyway, so at this point, we just hope he shoots something educational.” At press time, the parents expressed pride that Jackson is still not allowed to use the gun at the dinner table.
Charles Barkley: ‘Michael Jordan Would Have Been Nothing Special Had He Played In My Day’ #~# ATLANTA—Mocking the media’s glorification of a player who faced a supposedly soft, talent-deluded league, former NBA star Charles Barkley claimed Thursday that Michael Jordan would have been nothing special if he had played in Barkley’s era. “Look, I know Jordan was good, but guys in my day were just much tougher. He never could have gone toe to toe with players like Grant Hill and Karl Malone,” said Barkley, who predicted that Jordan wouldn’t have even sniffed the finals, let alone won six titles, if he had to contend with the physical play and brutal rivalries of the late ’80s and ’90s NBA. “I played against Dominique Wilkins, and he would have run Jordan off the court. Jordan’s a good scorer, no doubt, but when you are going up against guys like Olajuwon and Pippen? It’s just different. People like Jordan, acting like they are the greatest ever? They have no sense of history.” Barkley added that today’s social media-obsessed stars would have never cut it in a league with serious players like Dennis Rodman and Shaquille O’Neal.
Bourgeois Pig Owns Ostentatious Glass Crafted Specifically To Hold Wine #~# MILWAUKEE—After he flaunted the opulent receptacle on his front porch and sipped from it in a display of lavish decadence, witnesses confirmed Thursday that local bourgeois pig Kyle Evans, Mr. Moneybags himself, owned a fancy glass designed specifically for drinking wine. “He must think he’s a Rockefeller, buying a special glass with a stem on it because he’s too good to drink wine from any old cup like us regular folks,” neighbor Daniel Clements said of the shameless social climber, adding that Evans was so eager to fit in with his blue-blooded overlords that he also insisted his white wines and rosés be chilled before he drank them, lest their too-warm temperature offend his sensitive palate. “Oink, oink, piggy. I bet he’s got plates of varying sizes too, so he can use the smaller ones for salads and the larger ones for his dinner. Well, enjoy it while you can, Lord Kyle. It’s only a matter of time before you’re bayoneted in your bed.” At press time, Evans was spotted handing a $5 tip to the serf delivering his takeout, like some modern-day Mansa Musa.
Children’s Science Website Clearly Struggling To Come Up With 10 Facts About Slugs #~# DULUTH, MN—Noting the palpable effort being exerted by the online resource, sources confirmed Thursday that children’s educational website Science4Kidz.com was clearly struggling to come up with 10 facts pertaining to slugs. “They started out pretty strong with, ‘Slugs have thousands of tiny teeth,’ but there was a huge drop when fact number two was, ‘Most slugs are brown or gray,’ and I knew we were in trouble,” said visitor Alice Barbin, adding that the site had competently provided factoids about cheetahs and bald eagles, but floundered with subsequent facts such as, “Slugs can be found in gardens,” and, “The word for slug in Spanish is ‘babosa.’” “By the time you get halfway through the list, they’re really phoning it in with stuff like, ‘Slugs like moisture,’ and ‘Slugs need water to survive,’ which are basically the same fact and apply to 99% of all living creatures. And fact eight is, ‘There’s still a lot we don’t know about slugs,’ which is just objectively untrue. Honestly, they probably should have just stopped at five or six slug facts. It’s not like anyone was going to call them out on it.” At press time, Barbin had left the website in disgust after the final fact was revealed to be, “What’s your favorite thing about slugs?”
Biden Campaign Fundraising Email Reminds Donors Sexual Assault Allegations Don’t Bury Themselves #~# WASHINGTON—Urging supporters to help out and chip in as much as they can, the Joe Biden presidential campaign sent a fundraising email Thursday reminding donors that sexual assault allegations don’t bury themselves. “Now, more than ever, the Biden campaign needs your support in sweeping this under the rug,” read the email in part, calling on each and every Biden supporter to do their part in defeating Donald Trump by looking the other way. “We’ll be honest—this isn’t going to be cheap. It’s not just going away like we thought it would. We know it seems like we can coast off the media suppressing the story, but there’s a lot of important work to be done behind the scenes to ensure these accusations never see the light of day. These sexual assault allegations have already broken through to The Washington Post, and if we don’t meet our fundraising goal by midnight tonight, it could be front page news tomorrow.” The email added that if supporters donated $25 or more, the campaign would express their thanks by sending them a free “Allegations? What Allegations?” bumper sticker.
Mike Pence Tours Mayo Clinic Without Mask #~# Despite the hospital’s mandatory mask policy, Vice President Mike Pence declined to cover his face while visiting with Mayo Clinic staff and patients this week, saying he is tested regularly and does not have coronavirus. What do you think?
Disappointing: Experts Are Now Telling Us That All The Big Kisses We Did To The TV Screen While Princess Zelda Was On Never Got Through To Her #~# For many Nintendo fans, The Legend Of Zelda series represents the pinnacle of gaming. Whether it’s the sheer whimsy of The Wind Waker or the groundbreaking adventure of Ocarina Of Time, Shigeru Miyamoto’s iconic franchise inspires a sense of wonder and exploration few titles can match. That’s why a recent discussion with experts is going to be a disappointment to gamers everywhere: They’re now telling us that all the big kisses we did to the TV while Princess Zelda was onscreen never got through to her.
10 Sexiest Photos Of Kates, Uptons #~# Kate Feinstein: This is one scorching-hot photo of Kate.
This Woman Was Isolated In Her Nursing Home, So Her Grandchildren Stood Outside With Signs To Ask Her For Money #~# When COVID-19 struck, 17 year-old Syndney Powell was worried she might never get to take cash from her grandma again, so she decided to do something special. And now, she’s inspiring grandchildren all over the country to do the same.
Reports Of Kim Jong Un’s Health Creates Confusion Over Possible Successors #~# Kim Jong Un’s public absence over the last two weeks has fueled rumors he is gravely ill or possibly dead, raising questions about who will succeed the North Korean dictator who has systematically purged high-level government officials and family members over the last several years. What do you think?
America Surpasses 1 Million Confirmed Coronavirus Cases #~# America now has more than one million documented coronavirus cases, though health experts agree the real number is probably substantially higher as only 5.6 million people have been tested for the disease. What do you think?
Historical Timeline Of U.S. Employment #~# With millions of people filing for unemployment amid the coronavirus pandemic, attention has turned to how employment now compares to historical U.S. trends. The Onion looks back at a historical timeline of U.S. employment. 
Republicans Ridicule Democrats For Caring As Little About Sexual Assault As They Do #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to the fallout of accusations against Joe Biden in a series of social media posts and media appearances, Republican politicians and commentators ridiculed Democrats Wednesday for apparently caring as little about sexual assault as they do. “The silence of liberals on these allegations speaks volumes to how they apparently treat sexual assault as lightly and inconsequentially as we as a party always have—man oh man, it’s really astounding,” said Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) in a sarcasm-tinged screed that echoed thousands of others posts and messages delivered from conservative surrogates and Congress members predicated on the fact that both Republicans and Democrats dismiss the significance of testimony from women about misconduct, assault, and outright rape in order to achieve their political goals. “What’s interesting is that Democrats have always billed themselves as so high and mighty on this issue and yet they’ve just proven themselves to be as cynically power-hungry as us! For example, they’re dismissing the allegations against Biden because they want to progress their agenda, just the way millions of religious conservatives have ceased to care about the current president’s history of unsettling sexual behavior for the exact same reasons. It’s so rich! We’re all total sacks of shit!” Conservative commentators also pointed out the rank hypocrisy of liberals crassly using past allegations to their political advantage the way Republicans themselves are currently doing.
Longtime Person Dead At 86 #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Capping off a lengthy period of existence, longtime person Jane Brooks reportedly died Wednesday at the age of 86. “The individual, who spent her entire life as a human being, passed away due to congestive heart failure after more than 80 years of being a person,” said neighbor Susan Lansing, explaining that Brooks was known throughout the community for being a human who was alive from 1934 to 2020. “For as long as I’ve known her, she was always a person. She frequently did things and said things. Of course, many people have been people, but she was this person. Everyone you talk to will say she was a first and foremost a person. She left behind an indelible legacy of being alive and then not being alive anymore.” At press time, the longtime person was survived by other people.
Zoom Crasher Becomes Too Engrossed In Sales Meeting To Scream Obscenities #~# SEATTLE—Deciding against interrupting the actually quite gripping call on marketing and customer research, local Zoom crasher Mike Gromer reportedly became too engrossed in a sales meeting Wednesday to scream obscenities. “I planned on barging in and shouting a bunch of white supremacist stuff, but they were discussing strategies for increasing brand awareness among the coveted 18-34 demographic, and I stopped dead in my tracks,” said a naked Gromer as he lowered his penis away from the camera, explaining that he totally forgot about his intentions to screen share incredibly disturbing hardcore pornography the second he heard the marketing team reveal their sales targets and tactics. “I just got so wrapped up in Lydia’s PowerPoint presentation outlining their Q4 projections that it didn’t even dawn on me that I hadn’t gotten around to calling all the women ‘cunts’ and the men ‘dickless beta cucks.’ Wow, I’m expecting big things from this team. I should probably just turn off my camera so the giant swastika doesn’t distract from these B2B figures.” At press time, a quietly masturbating Gromer had been promoted to Southwest regional account manager for his invaluable contributions during the meeting.
What To Cook While Social Distancing #~# The world may have shut down due to Covid-19, but The Onion’s army of underpaid chefs and journalists is still hard at work. Here are 10 tried-and-true dishes approved by The Onion’s Test Kitchen to help you get through quarantine.
Other Butter Companies Scramble To Fill Racism Void Left By Land-O-Lakes #~# HACKENSACK, NJ—Quickly rebranding their packaging with images of the Trail of Tears and the Ku Klux Klan blood drop cross, a host of other butter companies were scrambling this week to fill the racism void left by Land-O-Lakes. “Real Americans understand that it’s important to celebrate our shared history, and we want bigots to know it’s okay for them to buy our butter and spreads,” said Country Crock spokesperson Ben Flaherty, who joined brands like Organic Valley’s new “Confederate Cream” and Unilever’s “Aryan Pure Unsalted” in attempting to tap into a valuable market that includes tens of millions of American consumers. “People who see other races as genetically inferior are just as much a part of this nation as anyone else, and we want them to know Country Crock stands for the values of 1860. Butter has been there since the founding of this country, helping settlers slaughter natives, torment minorities, and fulfill the American dream, and we should never forget that history.” At press time, sales for the competitors of Land-O-Lakes had surged 760%.
Thousands Of Stockpiled Ventilators Sent To New York Hospitals Turn Out To Be Claw Machines #~# And really hard ones, too. Hear how the latest blunder by the federal government is frustrating doctors and state officials.
10 Clumps Of Grass In Video Games #~# One way developers often depict their game environments is by including a clump of grass. Here are 10 clumps of grass in video games.
9 Photos Of Jennifer Lawrence That Will Make You Reassess The Scope Of The 1986 Vienna Convention On The Law Of Treaties Between States And International Organizations #~# One look at the Oscar winner in this stunning Dior gown and you’ll be saying, “I completely understand why the International Telecommunication Union and World Meteorological Organization still haven’t chosen to complete ratification of the flawed VCLTIO.”
Vaccine Rates Plummet During Pandemic #~# Health experts say doctors are administering less than half the normal amount of immunizations for illness like HPV, whooping cough, measles, mumps, and rubella, as parents postpone wellness visits for their children during the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?
Undaunted Texas Waffle House Waitress Has Been Expecting To Die There Every Day For The Past 20 Years Anyway #~# GLADEWATER, TX—Following the Texas governor’s announcement that the state’s economy will begin reopening later this week, local Waffle House waitress Barb Jefferson shrugged and told reporters Tuesday she had spent every shift for the past two decades expecting to die in the restaurant anyway. “I’ve worked nights here for years, and I’ve seen shit a lot worse than a deadly, incurable disease come through those doors,” said the East Texas server, explaining that she had long ago made peace with the fact that she was likely to die the next time she clocked in for a shift at the 24-hour diner franchise, which according to police records has been the site of four armed robberies so far this year. “I honestly have no idea how I’m still alive. You seen some of the deadbeats we get in this place? Every time I refill someone’s coffee I’m afraid I’m interrupting a meth deal. Back in February, we had EMTs wheeling a dead guy out of the men’s room. It’s only a matter of time before a fight breaks out, some shitheel some starts firing a gun, and my number’s up.” At press time, Jefferson was seen wrestling a knife out of a fry cook’s hands after he threatened to stab her over a substitution request in a ham and cheese omelet.
Airbnb Introduces New 24-Hour Vacancy Policy Between Guests #~# Due to concerns about coronavirus living on household surfaces, Airbnb announced they are requesting hosts wait a full 24 hours between each guest and have rolled out new cleaning protocols intended to make customers feel safer. What do you think?
The Land Of The Free: 10 Ways You KNOW You’re Living In The Greatest Country On Earth #~# You place your hand on your heart and sing with fervor whenever you hear the stirring opening line of the national anthem: “Around our flag we stand united / With one wish and one goal”
Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away #~# More American retailers are doing their part to help protect our most vulnerable populations. Hear how Walgreens stores nationwide will now be open from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. exclusively for brain-dead morons who have no fucking clue how to maintain a safe distance from their fellow shoppers.
Teleconferencing Pastor Requests Any Worshipper Currently Speaking In Tongues Go On Mute #~# DEPEW, OK—In an effort to reduce disruptions during a prayer meeting held by teleconference Tuesday, Pastor Terry McEvers of the First Pentecostal Church of God reportedly asked that any congregants presently speaking in tongues place themselves on mute for the duration of the service. “Though it is only natural for the Holy Spirit to overwhelm us as we gather in praise, we have quite a lot of God’s children on the line this morning, so I need those of you crying out in the heavenly language to turn off your device’s microphone,” said McEvers, gently reminding worshippers that while the Lord had blessed them with the latest technologies for allowing His flock to gather in His name, the platform had its limitations and simply could not handle the ecstatic, rapid-fire vocalizations of everyone on the call simultaneously. “If we all fall to the floor and unleash our miraculous gift of tongues at the same time, then everyone will just be shouting their divinely inspired strings of syllables over everyone else, and no one will understand what’s going on. A big garbled mess like that won’t do anybody any good.” According to sources, the pastor went on to request that members enable video on their devices if they intended to take up serpents, because that’s something no one ever gets tired of watching.
Saudi Arabia Bans Public Floggings #~# Saudi officials announced that people convicted of low-level crimes may no longer be sentenced to floggings and may instead receive fines or jail time, though judges can still order beheadings for murderers and drug dealers. What do you think?
Trump Accuses New York Of Padding State’s Mortality Rate By Including African American Deaths #~# WASHINGTON—Dismissing the statistics as “totally overblown,” President Donald Trump publicly accused New York health officials Monday of inflating the state’s Covid-19 mortality rate by including African Americans in their calculations of the total dead. “It’s very unfair if you start adding in a bunch of people who died of the virus but were also very clearly black,” said Trump, who pointed to Texas, with its incomplete data-gathering and low rates of testing in minority communities, as a model other states should emulate. “Obviously, if you count blacks, it’s going to throw off your estimates of how bad this thing is. We’re doing a fantastic job containing the virus, but sadly some governors are stooping so low as to fake their numbers—not only with blacks, but with people born in other countries, too. You gotta ask whether they’re just doing this to try and make me look bad.” The president went on to demand that New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo personally apologize to him for harboring African Americans to begin with.
Chris Matthews Admits To Inappropriate Behavior During MSNBC Career #~# In his first public statement since abruptly retiring earlier this year, former Hardball host Chris Matthews admitted it was inappropriate to comment on guest Laura Bassett’s appearance while backstage during a taping and that he found her complaint both credible and “highly justified.” What do you think?
A Well-Deserved Break: This ER Nurse Just Finished A 15-Hour Shift And Is About To Get Destroyed In ‘Call Of Duty: Warzone’ #~# Amidst the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, hospitals continue to be overwhelmed and undersupplied, pushing our nation’s medical professionals to their breaking points. Thankfully, for those who game, there are some beautiful ways to relax. That’s the case for Seattle nurse and all-around gaming hero Evelyn Moralez, who finally got the opportunity to go home and blow off some steam after a 15-hour shift by getting absolutely wrecked in Call Of Duty: Warzone!
God Pins Up Hunky Shot Of Mesopotamian Hunting Deity As Inspiration To Start Working Out #~# THE HEAVENS—Noting the ancient divine being’s “absolutely killer” abs and pectorals served as the ideal body transformation for Him, The Lord God Almighty pinned up a hunky picture of Mesopotamian hunting deity Ninurta as an inspiration to start working out, heavenly sources confirmed Friday. “Every bicycle crunch I do, I’ll come up and see this shot of Ninurta looking completely ripped, and it just keeps my motor going, y’know?” said He Who Commanded Light To Shine Out Of Darkness, stressing that visualizing Himself with even a fraction of the Mesopotamian’s omnipotence gave Him the self-confidence and dedication needed to really dig in, cut His carb intake, and focus on sculpting His core. “It’s not like I’m ever going to be built enough to be lugging stones around to create the Tigris and Euphrates. But honestly, I’ve never fantasized about being that beefy. Just kind of trim. And whenever I’m wiped from doing farmer’s walk-squat combos around St. Peter’s Gate, I just think about how much those reps probably helped Ninurta chase down the Anzû bird after it stole the Tablet of Destinies. Man, that guy was such a total beast.” At press time, God admitted He was planning the training regime expressly to address the embarrassing weight gain He had experienced from the stress of having His first Son.
10 ‘Healthy’ Foods That Are Actually Bad For You #~# You may think that two or three clock radios can easily make up a nutritious meal, but if you keep scarfing down plates of these things you’ll be packing on the pounds in no time.
TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet #~# Hear how visiting the website of America’s Finest News Source could prevent you from contracting the coronavirus.
Las Vegas Mayor Suggests Using City As Coronavirus Control Group #~# In an interview with Anderson Cooper, Las Vegas mayor Carolyn Goodman called for Nevada’s governor to lift the order shutting down nonessential businesses and allow casinos to reopen, at one point claiming the city could be used as a control group to test if social distancing really works. What do you think?
The Best Anime Characters #~# In the history of anime, there have been countless incredible characters who will forever be etched into the memories of audiences. Today, we’ll be counting down the truly unforgettable ones.
Millions Of ‘Last Dance’ Viewers Hooked By Thrilling Benny The Bull Paternity Suit Story #~# WASHINGTON—Pulling in sports fans with its lurid, never-before-seen footage of the ’97-’98 Bulls behind-the-scenes drama, viewers of The Last Dance docuseries flocked to social media Sunday to admit they were hooked by the thrilling Benny The Bull paternity suit storyline. “He had the full support of the team, but we all noticed the accusations affected his performance on the trampoline,” said Bulls center Luc Longley of the docu-series episode that fans and critics are calling “captivating,” and which included a difficult-to-watch scene in which Benny receives the results of a DNA test and destroys the locker room in frustration. “I remember the child’s mother just screaming at Benny right before Game 3 of that Pacers series. He’s grown up a lot since then and has family now, but I’ll never forget watching him storm out of a courtroom and call her a gold digger. Eventually, [Scottie] Pippen sat him down and told him he needed to do right by his son.” At press time, viewers were stunned by the “bombshell” revelation that Michael Jordan legally changed his son’s name from Benny to Marcus after the mascot slept with his then-girlfriend.
‘A Dash Of Soap Bubbles, 2 Pinches Of Sunshine, And Just A Drop Of Imagination’ Says Top Hat-Wearing Trump Pouring Ingredients Into Fizzing Concoction #~# WASHINGTON—Darting between dozens of beakers filled with colorful solutions, President Donald Trump reportedly stated “a dash of soap bubbles, two pinches of sunshine, and just a drop of imagination,” Friday while pouring ingredients into a fizzing concoction. “Let’s shake in a dollop of tickles, an ounce of regret, and a single shooting star, then stir counterclockwise for two shakes of a lamb’s tail and we’re almost there,” said Trump, clapping his hands with glee as he began pedaling a bicycle connected to a bellows in order to fan the flame below the vials. “Add sugar, spice, and everything nice. Don’t forget the amnesia powder! Then it’s simply a matter of sprinkling dewdrops and moonbeams to taste, drizzling with a healthy dose of dream reduction, and voila! My splendiferous, fantabulous amalgamation will be complete!” At press time, the president was reportedly coughing up black smoke after accidentally blowing up the White House. 
Report: Make It Stop #~# EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far and they would do almost anything for even a few glorious minutes of respite. “We’re on our hands and knees, pleading with you to make it all go away once and for all. What’s it going to take? Jesus Christ, just stop it! Stop it right now!” At press time, sources confirmed that they knew deep down it was never going to stop.
Hubble Space Telescope Celebrates 30 Years In Space #~# The Hubble Space Telescope, which revolutionized humanity’s ability to see the cosmos, was launched on this day in 1990 aboard the space shuttle Discovery. What do you think?
Effects Of Trump Halting Immigration #~# As the coronavirus pandemic continues, President Trump on Wednesday signed an order halting all immigration to the United States for 60 days, a decision with significant ethical and economic ramifications. The Onion looks at the effects of Trump halting immigration.
Report: Majority Of Knocks At Study Door Occur At Precise Moment Finishing Touch Being Put On Delicate Scale Model #~# EVANSTON, IL—A new report published Friday by researchers at Northwestern University revealed that the majority of knocks at the study door occur at the exact moment the finishing touch is being put on a delicate scale model. “We discovered that 90% of all knocks occur precisely when the occupant is using a pair of tweezers to methodically place the final rigging of a tiny mizzenmast,” read the report, noting that whether the study occupant was assembling a HMS Victory 1:48 or a custom replica Empire State Building, the phenomenon usually transpired after hours of prolonged, silent concentration in which a bead of sweat is just beginning to form on their foreheads. “Another 7% of sudden raps on oaken doors come as the final sheen of lacquer is being applied to a model White House’s siding. Our data revealed that probability of unanticipated knocking doubled in cases in which the builder was wearing a smoking jacket. In rare instances, rather than a knock, we observed a buzzer that literally shakes one’s study.” Researchers added that a secondary study would be needed to confirm the precise moment that delicate scale models collapse.
Everything You Need To Know About ‘Valorant’ #~# For fans of Overwatch or Counter-Strike: Global Offensive, Riot Games’ Valorant represents the game to beat in 2020. A tactical shooter with incredible 5v5 team-based dynamics, the title also has exactly the sort of sharp learning curve we’ve come to expect from the genre. So, read on and dig into OGN’s definitive guide on what you need to know before you boot up the game’s beta.
10 SIZZLING HOT Sex Tips #~# Be the boss and use your pincers to drag your mate into a nitrogen-rich log.
Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked #~# With social distancing in full effect, a new poll finds that millions of Americans are spending more time contemplating what John Goodman’s nude body looks like. Hear how people are dealing with the lingering questions over whether they’ll ever truly know of the contours of the A-list actor’s flesh.
Missouri Sues China Over Coronavirus Pandemic #~# The state of Missouri is suing the Chinese government over its handling of the coronavirus, claiming residents and businesses suffered tens of billions of dollars in damages and accusing the Communist Party of making the pandemic worse by hoarding masks. What do you think?
89-Year-Old Football Fan Still Finds It Surreal That Draftees Are Younger Than Him #~# BOCA RATON, FL—Shaking his head and admitting he has had the same feeling every draft for the past 60 years, 89-year-old football fan Ernest Allen confirmed Thursday that he still finds it surreal that NFL draftees are younger than him. “When I looked at this Chase Young fella, I still just kind of assume we’re the same age,” said the octogenarian fan, who recalled his surprise when the Cowboys selected Troy Aikman in the 1989 Draft and he realized the quarterback was actually 36 years younger than him. “These players certainly don’t look 21, but then I remember I graduated from college in ’52 so I must be older than them. It made me realize I’m not a spring chicken when I saw someone younger than my great-grandchild get drafted by the Jets. When I watch these games, I still feel like I could get out there and run around with these guys, no problem, at least if I could still stand up without this walker.” At press time, Allen let out a deep sigh after learning a draft prospect was born after his wife died.
Potentially Promising Covid-19 Vaccine Hits Roadblock After Testing Reveals It’s Just Shotgun #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—In a major setback to efforts to combat the relentless global pandemic, a potential Covid-19 vaccine from a major pharmaceutical giant reportedly hit a snag Thursday after extensive tests confirmed the once-promising method of inoculation was actually just a shotgun. “Despite very encouraging trials in which every subject who received the vaccine developed complete immunity to the novel coronavirus, further study has revealed several serious side effects, among them the fact that 100% of these participants also had their heads blown clean off,” said Johnson & Johnson CEO Alex Gorsky, explaining that the vaccine had prevented the virus from infecting any of the brain tissue or blood that was found splattered on laboratory walls, but that researchers later discovered the immunization agent had merely been a 20-gauge double-barrel shotgun. “We don’t know for certain if the firearm’s discharge is causing this severe brain damage or if the subjects were simply predisposed to such ailments, so further study is required. But it may turn out this is one of those cases where the cure is worse than the disease. Fortunately, we will soon begin human clinical trials on other possible treatments, such as jumping off bridges and ingesting huge handfuls of tranquilizers.” In his most recent press briefing, President Trump dismissed the new findings and said Americans had “nothing to lose” if they wanted to use shotguns as a preventative measure.
Sales Of Video Game Consoles Up During Pandemic #~# Sales of the Nintendo Switch more than doubled while PlayStation 4 and Xbox One sales were up 25% compared to last year, highlighting how Americans are turning to video games for entertainment during the pandemic. What do you think?
What To Watch While Social Distancing #~# Stuck inside with nothing to do? Are your days passing by unremarkably, each feeling more uniform than the one that came before? Give yourself a breather and check out some viewing suggestions to make these trying times a bit more tolerable. Here, The Onion offers recommendations on what to watch while you’re self-isolating during the coronavirus pandemic.
Ramadan Begins #~# Muslims around the world will observe the start of Ramadan today, marking the beginning of a month of fasting, reflection, and prayer for 1.8 billion people. What do you think?
Baby Emerges From Game Of Peekaboo Wiser, More Reflective #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Contemplating her personal growth as she worked through what she described as a profound, transformative experience, local baby Emma Gibson confirmed Thursday that she had emerged from a game of peekaboo a wiser and more reflective individual. “Learning to process these intense and unanticipated feelings of loss and reemergence has fundamentally changed how I view this world and my place in it,” said Gibson, noting how her awareness of life’s ultimate transience took root this morning as she repeatedly watched her father’s face vanish, only to materialize again a short moment later. “I feel as though I’ve grieved a death, then another death, then another. Nothing can be taken for granted in this existence—not when the ones you care about most can disappear and then suddenly reappear at any time. Who knows, I could be the next one snatched away into the unknown and rudely replaced by a vulgar assemblage of fingers.” Gibson added that she planned to focus more on personal mindfulness going forward and would attempt to raise her level of consciousness when babbling incoherently and shoving random objects into her mouth.
11 Surefire Signs #~# I think we all know what this means.
Top Prospects Of The 2020 NFL Draft #~# Chase Young (Ohio State), DE: Easily the best pass rusher in the draft, the 21-year-old defensive end is fueled by his belief that quarterbacks are hollow and filled with candy.
Federal Reserve To Infuse Wall Street With $500 Billion Worth Of Cocaine #~# Financial experts are counting on the half-trillion-dollar stimulus to turn the roughly 200,000 men and women on Wall Street into coked-up animals eager to buy any stock in sight well into the morning hours without any break for food or water.
Rob Gronkowski Hoping Bucs Trade For Tom Brady Too #~# TAMPA, FL—Expressing confidence that once again playing with the all-time great would make his new team a sure-fire Super Bowl contender, former Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski told sources Wednesday that he was hoping the Buccaneers trade for Tom Brady as well. “I gotta go down to Tampa’s front office and ask coach Belichick to see if we can get Tommy on the squad,” said Gronkowski, who claimed his agent had told him it was a “great idea” and that he was “100% confident,” it would happen soon. “I know it’s been a decade since I played, but I still think I can compete, and having Tom by my side would really help. We would be great with him taking hand-offs from me again. And I bet Tom and Gazelle would love living in Georgia, too.” At press time, Gronkowski was asking the team about the possibility of putting together a truly unstoppable offense by also acquiring Aaron Hernandez.
Man Not Sure Why He Thought Most Psychologically Taxing Situation Of His Life Would Be The Thing To Make Him Productive #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Admitting that a highly contagious, deadly pandemic had done little to stoke his creativity, local man Michael Ayers confided to reporters Wednesday that he wasn’t sure why he had imagined the most stressful situation he had ever experienced would be the thing that finally made him more productive. “Despite my high hopes, the most devastating crisis of my life hasn’t turned out to be the catalyst I needed to meet all of my long-held personal goals,” said Ayers, who added that he had no idea what he was thinking when he told himself that being furloughed from his job and enduring a sustained period of emotional isolation would be just what he needed to start eating better, acquaint himself with world cinema, and get a jumpstart on the novel he had always wanted write. “For some reason I took a look at an economic catastrophe that may soon rival the Great Depression and said, ‘Oh great, now I’ll have the energy and the space I need to focus on my creative side.’ But I guess living with ever-present, crushing uncertainty and the knowledge that people all around me are dying wasn’t the stimulus I needed after all.” At press time, Ayers had reportedly decided that, going forward, he would instead focus all his time and attention on feeling guilty about his lack of productivity.
Nancy Pelosi Assures Democratic Reps They Don’t Need To Try Being Productive During Stressful Pandemic #~# WASHINGTON—Encouraging lawmakers to avoid holding themselves to the impossible standard of protecting Americans, Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) assured Democratic House representatives Wednesday they don’t need to try being productive during the stressful pandemic. “These uncertain times are difficult for everyone, so don’t feel like you need to push yourself to constantly come up with detailed plans to avert a new depression,” said Pelosi, insisting that House Democrats should tune out the nagging voice of constituents pressuring them to ease mass suffering by enacting essential social safety measures before it’s too late. “Don’t create a bunch of tension in your life by attempting to secure aid to unemployed Americans struggling to pay for basic necessities. Supporting workers is not going to happen anyway, so don’t get all stressed. Look, this is not the time to beat yourself up over whether you’re doing enough to prevent a cataclysmic economic decline. Take a breather. Sometimes it’s better to just plop down on the couch and watch movies all day.” At press time, Pelosi emphasized there would be plenty of time to work on enacting legislation after the pandemic was finished cratering every aspect of American life.
Germany Cancels Oktoberfest Due To Coronavirus Fears #~# German officials announced that Oktoberfest, the annual two-week celebration that brings over 6 million revelers to Munich each fall, has been canceled due to concerns over the coronavirus spreading through the festival’s densely packed beer tents. What do you think?
Silver Lining: ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Has Been Delayed Indefinitely But The ‘Q*bert 50th Anniversary Collection’ Just Released 12 Years Early #~# There’s no getting around the fact that it’s been a heartbreaking few months for fans of Naughty Dog’s ultra-popular The Last of Us franchise. Already pushed back from its initial May 29 release date, the developer recently confirmed that Part II of the series would receive an indefinite delay due to the ongoing pandemic. But, buck up, gamers! There’s always a silver lining to the darkest rain clouds, and that’s definitely true today because Gottlieb just released the Q*bert 50th Anniversary Collection—a whopping 12 years ahead of its expected release!
7 Most Unbelievable Autocorrect WINS #~# LOL…that is one perfectly cogent text-based exchange.
Report: Amazon Using Heat-Sensing Alien Hunters To Track Workers Attempting To Unionize #~# SEATTLE—Shedding new light on the corporation’s aggressive labor practices, a new report released Wednesday found that Amazon is using heat-sensing alien hunters to track workers attempting to unionize. “We care deeply about the future of our company, which is why we’ve deployed an extraterrestrial species to warehouses and Whole Foods stores that we believe are at high risk of unionization,” read the report in part, quoting insider sources at Amazon who explained that while the move may be seen as controversial, there’s no law preventing a corporation from stalking their own employees with interstellar assassins. “We were very impressed when we sat down with these alien hunters. With their work ethic and affinity for cutting-edge technology like wristblades and plasmacasters, we think they’ll make an excellent fit at Amazon. They’ve already proven to be great at quickly climbing across stacks of pallets or scurrying along the tops of grocery aisles to spy on and shoot any employees who discuss improving their working conditions. Oh, and we’d like to remind employees that using mud to disguise your heat signature is a violation of company policy.” At press time, the effort was suspended after several heat-sensing alien hunters collapsed in an Amazon warehouse from exhaustion. 
How To Fix America’s Protective Equipment Shortage #~# Across the United States, a shortage of personal protective equipment such as masks and gloves has made medical care more difficult and raised the risk of coronavirus transmission. The Onion presents suggestions for fixing America’s PPE shortage.
Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination #~# He’s the man the country has turned to most as a trusted and comforting voice during the coronavirus pandemic. However, the nation’s top psychologists now believe Dr. Anthony Fauci may be nothing more than an imaginary friend Americans have made up to get through this stressful period.
2020 Lyrid Meteor Shower Peaks This Week #~# The Lyrid meteor shower, an annual display of comet debris vaporizing in the Earth’s atmosphere, will be especially vibrant this year as the start of a new lunar cycle means the night sky will be darker than normal. What do you think?
If Woman Makes It Through This, She Finally Going To Wear Hat In Public #~# RALEIGH, NC—Vowing to make bolder, less boring choices with her wardrobe going forward, local woman Helen Sletski announced Tuesday that if she survived the coronavirus pandemic and her state’s ongoing lockdown, she would go through with long-deferred plans to wear a hat in public. “Life’s too short—I see that now—and when this is all over, I’m finally ready to just go for it,” Sletski said as she sorted through a box of unworn berets, fedoras, ball caps, and beanies that had been purchased over the course of the past decade and relegated to the back of her closet before she had actually worn them anywhere. “I never appreciated the freedom I had to just throw on a bowler, walk outside, and keep it on my head through brunch until that freedom was snatched away from me. No longer will I put on my denim bucket hat and spend an hour wondering what everyone will think of it or worrying that it makes my face look too round. Fuck that. The next time you see me, I’ll either be making this wide-brimmed wicker sun hat work for me or I’ll be dead!” At press time, Sletski was overheard saying she was kidding herself if she thought she could pull off a fez without looking like a “big fat idiot.”
Shake Shack Returns $10 Million Loan Meant For Small Businesses #~# Executives for the burger chain Shake Shack say they will return the $10 million loan they received as part of the Paycheck Protection Program, a now-empty relief fund which was intended to help small businesses pay employees during the pandemic. What do you think?
Novak Djokovic Clarifies Anti-Vaccine Comments By Insisting He’s Always Supported Having Sponsors #~# MONACO—Walking back controversial statements about the Covid-19 crisis after a harsh backlash, Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic clarified his anti-vaccine comments Tuesday by insisting he has always clearly supported having sponsors. “Look, I know some people took what I said out of context, but I am 100% supportive of being in commercials, and I would never do anything to jeopardize that,” said Djokovic in a press statement, going on to state that he would never want to give the public the false impression that he was someone who could not sell Seiko watches. “I think everyone who knows me recognizes that I’ve been very sympathetic to the brands, products, and services that pay large sums of money for me to endorse. It would be completely reckless for me to damage my relationship with Lacoste, and I hope they know that. Why would I want to make a public health disaster like coronavirus worse when that only limits my earning potential?” Djokovic ended the press release by inviting his fans to ask him whatever they wanted about the European migrant crisis or the Yugoslav wars of the ’90s.
Protesters Demand States Reopen, Notice Spike In Coronavirus Cases, Infuriate Them By Locking Down Again #~# WASHINGTON—Pushing back against what they viewed as tyrannical measures, protesters across the country took to the streets Tuesday to hold demonstrations demanding that states reopen, notice a spike in coronavirus cases, and then infuriate protesters by once again locking down. “We urge these governors to immediately loosen restrictions on large gatherings, witness an influx of cases, and piss us off further by once more putting in place restrictions,” said protester Alison Driscoll, telling reporters that it was her right as an American to participate in the economy, see cases of the disease skyrocket, lose family members, and be forced back inside again. “This country was founded on the ideals of liberty, and that means letting citizens make their own choices until the spread has reached such a level that there’s no choice but to anger us further by taking even more extreme distancing measures.” Driscoll noted that she and her fellow protestors planned to continue this cycle of protesting until things resolved themselves one way or another. 
10 Sandwiches That Look Like British Novelist Martin Amis #~# Woah, did somebody order the 64-year-old author of Time’s Arrow and London Fields? ’Cause that’s what this pesto chicken sandwich looks almost exactly like.
Man Reminds Self Woman On Chiquita Banana Sticker Only Smiling At Him Because That’s Her Job #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Putting a stop to things before he got carried away with any fanciful notions that she was into him, local man John Minas reportedly reminded himself Monday that the woman on the Chiquita banana sticker was only smiling at him because that was her job. “Man, I always fall for it,” Minas said of the fruit-hat-wearing mascot, explaining how he thought for a moment she might be attracted to him before he remembered that she consistently maintained a friendly disposition toward customers in order to help sell bananas. “Of course she smiled at me—she smiles at everyone! Seriously, who was I even kidding? What would an amazing, beautiful woman like Miss Chiquita even want with a guy like me?” Minas went on to tell reporters that the woman on the Sun-Maid raisin box, however, was flirting shamelessly with him and had been “wanting to get in my pants for a long time.”
Russians Withdrew $13.6 Billion From ATMs Amidst Coronavirus Fears #~# Russian citizens have taken out nearly $13.6 billion in cash from bank accounts since mid-March, more than the total amount withdrawn during all of 2019, due to concerns they will not be able to access their money during quarantine. What do you think?
Nation Close To Getting Video Conferencing Software To Work #~# Social distancing is changing the way we communicate with one another. Today, hear how more Americans are making an effort to stay connected with loved ones and colleagues through shitty video conferencing software that just won’t fucking work.
More Americans Report Vivid, Violent Dreams During Pandemic #~# According to a sleep survey by psychologists at Harvard Medical School, disruptions to normal life and increased levels of anxiety due to the coronavirus are causing Americans to experience more intense, memorable nightmares. What do you think?
BP Celebrates 10th Anniversary Of Deepwater Horizon By Dyeing Gulf Of Mexico Black #~# PORT FOURCHON, LA—On the very spot off the Louisiana coast where the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig exploded and left the company’s mark on the region forever, BP celebrated the 10th anniversary of its historic, 210-million-gallon oil spill Monday by dyeing the entire Gulf of Mexico black. “Ten years ago today was a landmark in BP’s history—no, in America’s history—and we wanted to commemorate it with a splash,” said former BP CEO Tony Hayward, the event’s keynote speaker, as a 1,500-foot oil tanker released into the gulf an inky black dye, the chemical composition of which company officials declined to disclose to reporters. “So as a tribute we will now blacken these waters from the Florida Panhandle all the way to Texas, lest Americans forget this unique heritage and reach a point where they no longer instinctively recall, with each passing of a BP station along the highway, the greatest marine oil spill the world has ever known. Today, a full decade later, hydrocarbons can still be found in every fish in the gulf—every single one of them—and more than half the area’s dolphins still suffer from lung disease. I daresay that is a legacy more remarkable than any of us could have imagined.” At press time, Hayward extended an invitation to families with small children to come down to a local beach where BP planned to continue the festivities by hosting a traditional turtle-stomping.
Fully Recovered Chris Cuomo Gradually Realizing Family Never Going To Let Him Out Of Basement #~# LONG ISLAND, NY—Saying recent improvements to his health had given him the energy to finally consider the strangeness of his situation, fully recovered CNN anchor Chris Cuomo gradually came to realize Monday that his family never intended to let him out the basement where he convalesced. “Cristina, are you out there, hon’? I think the lock down here might have gotten stuck?” said the visibly anxious Prime Time host, furiously banging on the deadbolted basement door leading to the main house and stressing that he was sure he could hear his wife and children milling around outside, but seemed to be intentionally ignoring his increasingly desperate calls for help. “There’s no toilet down here, sweetheart, and I’m running out of food. And you took my phone the other day. Also, I tried to climb out the window, but that seems to be sealed, too. Huh. Come to think of it, why do I hear a man’s voice out there? Is that Andrew? Honey, what the hell is Andrew doing over here? Open up, goddamnit!” At press time, the increasingly frantic broadcaster had begun searching for a way out through an air shaft after hearing the distinct sound of bricks being laid down outside the basement’s exit.
CDC Urges Nation’s Hotties And Studs Not To Hide That Pretty Little Face Behind A Mask #~# The CDC is issuing new guidelines in the fight against Covid-19. Hear why health officials now believe that if you got it, you should flaunt it.
A Timeline Of Marijuana #~# 6.38 million years ago: Satan plants the first cannabis seed on the Asian continent to tempt future Christians.
Marijuana And Criminal Justice #~# 8 in 10: Incarcerated marijuana dealers who leave prison with far more business connections and industry knowledge than competitors who never get arrested.
Marijuana Laws By State #~# Kansas: The state requires any resident hoping to smoke marijuana to drive over to Colorado.
Economic Impact Of Marijuana By The Numbers #~# 766: Hours of R&D spent coming up with names for products like “LOL Edibles Captain Munch Weed-Infused Cereal” and “CannaPunch Grand Daddy Grape Juice”
The Health Effects Of Marijuana #~# Improved lung capacity from taking monster bong rips.
Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2 Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers #~# GOLDEN, CO—In a move widely lauded as an example of responsible and compassionate stewardship, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced Monday that he would forgo his annual 2 million-gallon gravy bonus in order to help pay workers who have been furloughed during the restaurant chain’s extended closures. “I am proud to announce that I will be limiting myself to one small side of buttered corn and half a barbecue chicken this year in lieu of any sauce-based compensation I may be entitled to,” said Wyatt in a company-wide memo to employees of all 462 Boston Market locations before thanking them for their continued commitment to rotisserie excellence. “Frankly, I have more than enough gravy to keep my family’s mashed potatoes comfortably smothered for years to come, and that would not be the case if it weren’t for the tireless efforts of you, the Boston Market family of skilled rib slatherers and cornbread bakers, who have dedicated your lives to lovingly piling our charred meats and savory fluids into hot bins under heat lamps. The least I can do is ensure that you needn’t worry where your next meal’s beige liquid topping will be coming from.” At press time, Wyatt publicly called upon the CEOs of Souplantation, Sizzler, and Old Country Buffet to join him in distributing surpluses of garnishes and condiments among their many struggling employees. 
Having Trouble Finding The Coelacanth In ‘Animal Crossing’? And You Expect Us To Help You, After All You’ve Done? It Would Be Beneath Us To Even Grant You Death, You Dog #~# In these stressful times, gamers are finding Animal Crossing: New Horizons to be the ultimate in digital escapes. It’s a relaxing game packed with incredible secrets and hidden activities to enjoy, though none is as elusive as fishing for the infamous coelacanth. And if you turned to this page expecting to find tips on how to locate this ultra-rare fish, after everything you’ve done to us, then you are sorely mistaken.
Antsy Nursing Home Residents Counting Down Seconds Until They Can All Get Back To Fucking Each Other #~# MONTCLAIR, NJ—Moaning with passion at the mere thought of human contact, antsy residents at Belmont Village Nursing Home told reporters Monday that they were counting down the seconds until they could all get back to fucking each other again. “Oh my God, the minute this thing ends, I’m busting out of here, ripping off my clothes, and getting all holes filled by whoever is left in independent senior living,” said 94-year-old resident Edna O’Hara, adding that for the past five weeks, she’s been sitting around sopping wet in her reclining bed, whistling and licking her lips at whatever geriatric residents happen to wheel by her door. “I need someone up in my guts. Two months ago, I was spending 7 days a week, 24 hours a day sitting on more toothless faces than you can count on two hands. But now they say I can’t even do hand stuff with people like Bernard or Janice? They’re basically dead already anyway.” At press time, desperate nursing home residents had reportedly begun asking friends and family to send them emergency supplies to at least find temporary sexual relief on their own. 
13 Most Common Questions Employers Will Ask At A Job Interview #~# “See that wall right there? I’m gonna punch a fucking hole through it, and I’d love to see you try and stop me.”
Tour De France Postponed Until August #~# The International Cycling Union announced the Tour de France has been postponed until late August, the first time the race has not been held in July since WWII, though public health experts warn that even with delays the event could trigger a resurgence of coronavirus across Europe. What do you think?
Regretful ‘The Last Dance’ Producers Realize They Probably Should’ve Tried To Interview Michael Jordan #~# BRISTOL, CT—Kicking themselves for spacing on what would have been an integral part of the documentary, the regretful producers of the ’98 Chicago Bulls documentary The Last Dance realized Friday they probably should have tried to interview Michael Jordan. “Fuck, I don’t know why we didn’t even think of this, he probably would have had some pretty good anecdotes to share about the season,” said producer Michael Tollin, who admitted that while asking Phil Jackson about what it was like to coach Toni Kukoc was interesting, he probably would have had some insight into the mindset of 14-time All-Star as well. “We have, like, 10 hours of Ron Harper and Luc Longley. Then someone told me they were excited about hearing from Jordan, and I was like, ‘Dammit, why didn’t I think of that?’ I shouldn’t have spent all that time trying to track down Obama—he didn’t know shit about what it was like inside the locker room.” At press time, Tollin was scrambling after the NBA threatened to sue him over unauthorized use of game footage.
Netflix Now Worth More Than Disney #~# With more people streaming entertainment at home as the coronavirus leaves brick-and-mortar businesses closed, Netflix is now worth $194 billion, $10 billion more than Disney, which is struggling due to delayed movie releases and shuttered theme parks. What do you think?
Potential Ways For Sports To Restart During Coronavirus #~# The coronavirus pandemic has virtually halted U.S. sports, but calls for sports to restart to provide entertainment for a largely home-bound nation have led some leagues to explore creative options to resume play. The Onion looks at potential ways for sports leagues to restart during coronavirus.
Report: Rising Market Instability Driving More Countries To Peg Currencies To Akon’s Akoin #~# WASHINGTON—As the shock of Covid-19 continues to roil world markets, a report published Friday by the International Monetary Fund has found that more countries are choosing to peg their national currencies to Akoin, the cryptocurrency of musician and entrepreneur Akon. “Given the volatility of exchanges, we want our currency to have the backing that only the singer of ‘Smack That’ can provide,” said President Simonetta Sommaruga of Switzerland, which considered tying the value of its free-floating franc to the U.S. dollar or the euro, but instead opted for Akoin, with officials citing its comparative stability and potential for future growth. “Our greatest hope of riding out this economic downturn is to reap the benefits provided by what we believe will soon become the world’s new reserve currency. In fact, our next step will be to phase out the franc entirely and adopt Akoin as our official medium of exchange. We expect investor confidence to reach an all-time high once every Swiss transaction is conducted with a financial instrument that comes with the full faith and credit of the artist who scored a Grammy nomination for his collaboration with Snoop Dogg on ‘I Wanna Fuck You’—especially after we install Akoin ATMs nationwide.” Sommaruga also expressed optimism that Switzerland would fulfill Akoin’s stated mission of one day creating a real-life Wakanda. 
‘You’ve Served Me Well, But This Has Gone Too Far,’ Says Oprah Loading Shotgun After Watching Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil Fox News Appearances #~# MONTECITO, CA—Sighing in remorse at the “monsters of my own creation” after viewing recent appearances on Fox News by Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil, media tycoon and longtime talk show host Oprah Winfrey reportedly muttered “You have served me well, but this has gone too far,” Friday while loading a shotgun. “Well, we had a good run, boys, but business is business,” said Winfrey, loading shells into a pump-action Mossberg 500 before calling to be picked up by her personal stealth helicopter. “I remember when I found them—a sleazy corporate lawyer, and a two-bit snake-oil salesman—perfect additions to my syndicate. We really had a good thing going for a while there, but you can’t be on Oprah’s Favorite Things list forever, now can you? Time for these ‘doctors’ to take their medicine.” At press time, Winfrey was reportedly found covered in blood making new selections for her book club.
Fox News Producer Tasked With Calculating How Long It Would Take To Get Kid Rock A Doctorate #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to bolster the booked guest’s professional credibility, Fox News executives reportedly tasked producer Lydia Reese Friday with calculating how long it would take to get Kid Rock a doctorate. “Hmm, it might be tough since he didn’t go to undergrad, but maybe we can swing some kind of honorary degree,” said Reese, pacing the floor of her office as she directed her assistant to research accelerated online degree programs and made a note to check and see if she had any contacts at Liberty University who could be useful. “What about a Doctor of Music? Can he do that fast? His albums should be able to earn him some kind of credit. Or maybe he could be a professor and teach a pop culture course on Americana. Just so we can stick ‘Dr. Kid Rock’ on the chyron. “At press time, Reese was sending a message to the legal department to find out what would happen if the network just started calling him doctor. 
Pathetic Minimum-Wage Worker Devastated About Losing Job That Only Paid Couple Hundred Dollars A Week Anyway #~# PITTSBURGH—Inexplicably stressed and anxious over his recent unemployment, pathetic minimum-wage worker Michael Fortin was reportedly devastated about losing his job Friday, despite the fact it only paid a couple hundred dollars a week anyway. “He keeps crying, ‘What am I going to do? What am I going to do?,’ but it’s not like he was earning enough to survive off of,” said roommate Clay Bowers, who noted that Fortin’s job hadn’t even technically been full-time since he could never get his manager to assign him more than 39.5 hours a week. “He barely had enough money for groceries after covering rent every month, so really, what’s the loss? Christ, get it together dude. If I lost a couple hundred dollars a week, I wouldn’t even notice. It’s not like he even had benefits to begin with. And now that he won’t have to spend so much on gasoline and car repairs, he might actually be saving money.” At press time, Bowers added that not even two minimum-wage jobs would have been able to make a dent in Fortin’s six-figure debt.
Innovation FTW: New PS5 Controller Features Third Joystick You Operate With Your Tongue #~# It might be too early to crown a winner in the next generation console wars, but Sony just gave us a major reason to stake money with these odds! After the exciting reveal of the DualSense controller earlier this month, the console titan just leaked an innovative new feature that will make the PlayStation 5 a must-have: a third joystick that you can operate exclusively with your tongue.
Taiwanese Robot Baseball Fan Ejected For Yelling Slurs At Pitch Camera #~# TAOYUAN, TAIWAN—Shouting “Commodore” as nearby automatons were forced to cover their small peripheral’s microphones, a Taiwanese robotic baseball fan was ejected from a Monkeys–Lions game Friday after yelling slurs at a pitch camera. “Look at this defunct, malware-infected piece of scrap. You call that a strike? You ought to be recycled,” said the unruly fan according to stadium sources, who reportedly overheard his disparaging remarks about the robot’s baseline computing power and the inferior build of its motherboard. “Take a hike, trash cam! These useless st-56xI models are ruining baseball, but what do you expect when you’re relying on fifth-generation hardware? Go back to the Philippines!” At press time, CPBL revoked the robot fan’s season tickets after it punched a security guard while attempting to get back in the stadium.
Ford, General Motors To Begin Manufacturing Car-Sized Ventilators #~# The American automotive industry is taking action in the fight against coronavirus, and manufacturers all across the country are pledging to use their factories to produce much-needed ventilators, so long as no one minds that the ventilators will look like and be the same size as cars. OPR has the latest on this heroic undertaking.
British WWII Vet Raises Millions For NHS By Walking Laps Around Yard #~# 99-year-old British veteran Tom Moore has raised more than $15 million in support of the National Health Service’s fight against Covid-19 by walking 100 laps around his backyard, far surpassing his original goal of $1,250. What do you think?
The Greatest Moments In Slideshow History #~# 1508-1512: In what is considered one of the highlights of Renaissance slideshows, Michelangelo adorns the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with detailed scenes of hedgehogs having a worse day than you.
Russian Roulette Champion Wouldn’t Let His Son Play Russian Roulette #~# AUSTIN—Expressing deep concern for his child’s well-being if he were to follow in his father’s footsteps, Russian roulette champion Hector Smith told reporters Thursday that he personally wouldn’t let his son play Russian roulette. “Back when I started playing, safety wasn’t a huge priority, but now as a parent knowing all the health risks involved, I wouldn’t let my kid set foot in that circle,” said Smith, citing recent harrowing MRI images depicting the potential damage that the game may cause to the brain. “I feel lucky that I’ve had so much success, but even so, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s an activity that teens should get involved in. I’ve seen a lot of great young men get cut down in their prime from head injuries, and it dramatically reduces their chances of living a full, healthy life. You can think of it as just a game, but it actually can have some severe consequences.” At press time, Smith was urging his son to participate in less dangerous activities, such as rapidly stabbing a knife between your fingers. 
Spring SAT Tests Cancelled Due To Pandemic #~# The College Board announced that upcoming SAT testing has been postponed due to the coronavirus, but added that if schools remain closed this fall they may introduce a digital exam for students to take at home. What do you think?
Alex Garland Recalls Discovering Personal Computers While Researching ‘Devs’ #~# LONDON—Acknowledging the devices as a “huge influence” on the eight-episode television series, writer-director Alex Garland reportedly recalled Thursday discovering personal computers while researching his techno thriller Devs. “I was just planning to make a show about free will, but it took on a whole new life once I learned about personal computing, especially laptops,” said Garland, who shared an anecdote about filming a sequence in which the show’s lead character, Lily Chan, used an abacus and notebook to investigate her boyfriend’s murder, before production staff pulled him aside to recommend placing MacBooks in the scenes instead. “On the one hand, I worried that referencing computers might go way over viewers’ heads, but on the other, it made sense for a story about developers to get a bit more technical. If they’re anything like me, I’m sure fans of the show will run to their local library to find out more about computers. I did, and a librarian actually let me try out a desktop model they had right there in the reading room! I swear, they’re endlessly fascinating—you can use ’em for typing, sending electronic mail, and playing games, too. They even have little tiny ones you can make phone calls on. Who knew?” Garland went on to credit actresses Sonoya Mizuno, Alison Pill, and Siri for their invaluable contributions to the series.
CEO Assures Employees He Doing Everything In His Power To Lay People Off #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Promising from the bottom of his heart that everyone’s jobs are in jeopardy, WhooshSnaps.biz CEO Brian Kleppen assured employees Thursday that he’s doing everything in his power to lay people off. “I’ve heard some concerns going around, and I want to impress upon each and every one of you that I’m taking every possible step to ensure that you are all out of a job with no income or health insurance,” said Kleppen in a company-wide email to employees, explaining that he was exploring all avenues to over leverage investments, misappropriate funds, and implement new approaches to hemorrhage money with the goal of firing as many staffers as possible. “Believe me when I say if it were up to me, I would terminate every single one of you. It gives me no pleasure to keep you around. The absolute last thing we want to do is retain all of our staff during this crisis.” At press time, Kleppen was working around the clock to free up funds tied up in employee paychecks to secure his year-end bonus.
Answering The Call: Bungie Announced That Master Chief Is Available To Fight Coronavirus But Isn’t Sure How To Make That Happen #~# As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to spread, companies are chipping in to help with relief efforts any way they can, and Bungie is no exception. The acclaimed video game developer has recently announced that the series star, Master Chief himself, is available to fight the coronavirus, although they aren’t exactly sure how to make that happen.
Names For William H. Macy Around The World #~# Most Spanish women keep a portrait of William H. Macy, or Williamcito, on their living room wall. On the altar below it, they will light one additional candle each day during the 30 days leading up to his birthday.
‘I Congratulate Joe Biden, A Very Decent Man,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Unprovoked Attack On Democratic Party Unity #~# The gloves are off. But is former presidential contender Bernie Sanders just a sore loser, or does he really want to see another four years of President Trump?
Boyfriend Announces Plan To Spend Infuriating Afternoon Speaking In Australian Accent #~# SEATTLE—Bursting out of his bedroom and yelling “G’day, mate” at everyone within earshot, local boyfriend James Fitzpatrick announced plans Thursday to spend an infuriating afternoon speaking in an Australian accent. “For the next several excruciating hours, I pledge to reference Steve Irwin and Outback Steakhouse commercials, and repeatedly ask my girlfriend if she would like me to ‘throw some shrimp on the barbie,’” said Fitzpatrick, who, wearing nothing but his underwear, then proceeded to point and yell “crikey” over and over again at nothing in particular. “Starting right now, I will work tirelessly to incorporate the words ‘koala,’ ‘boomerang,’ and ‘didgeridoo’ into every sentence I say, regardless of if it makes sense or not. And let me be clear, I do not care if you have huge headphones on, or are actively trying to ignore me. In fact, that will only make me do this more. Now, who loves Vegemite?” At press time, Fitzpatrick further announced plans for his Australian accent to awkwardly shift into a Jamaican accent throughout the day. 
Report: Probably Best Not To Even Think About Crazy Virus Currently Brewing Inside Axolotl #~# WASHINGTON—Citing various pieces of data that would certainly not help your mental health at the moment, scientists confirmed Thursday that it was probably best not to even think about whatever crazy virus currently brewing inside the world’s axolotls. “While you may be tempted to let yourself think about axolotls and the disgusting microbes within them that could rapidly mutate into a fatal, incurable disease, we advise against even contemplating the idea,” said the report author Dr. Greg Fritzk, adding that while axolotls’ gills, organs, and digestive tracts were likely teeming with fucked-up deadly pathogens capable of infecting humans, you should put that out of your mind. “Consider, for instance, how unhealthy it would be to let yourself go down a rabbit hole where you obsess about these amphibians, and how any one of them could kick off the plague that finally, violently, wipes out humanity as we know it. That is why we suggest going back to the way things were, and simply forgetting that axolotls exist at all.” At press time, Fritzk added that it was best not to think about the fact that this deadly virus probably existed, and was already coming to finish us all off.
‘Barber…I Was A Barber,’ Says Man Struggling To Recall Life Before Pandemic #~# NEW YORK—Racking his brain for some detail of the life he lived before quarantine measures began, local man Eric Leverett told reporters Thursday, “I was a barber…a barber, that’s right,” as he struggled to remember how he spent his days before the coronavirus pandemic struck. “Yes, yes, it’s coming back to me now: I had a job, a place I went to almost every day, where I used some kind of sharpened blades to make people’s hair shorter,” said Leverett, images of swivel chairs and glass containers full of strange liquids flashing through his memory as he attempted to piece together dimly recalled fragments of the world he inhabited prior to March 2020. “Mirrors…there were mirrors everywhere…and there was a constant buzzing, for some reason. Also—this is the funniest thing—I had some sort of cape I used to fasten around people’s necks. I honestly couldn’t tell you why, but I’m pretty sure about that part. This was all, of course, a long, long time ago.” At press time, Leverett acknowledged to reporters that this scenario did seem a bit far-fetched, and that in all likelihood, his mind was simply playing tricks on him.
Global Economy Expected To Shrink 3% Due To Pandemic #~# The International Monetary Fund predicted the world economy will shrink roughly 3% in 2020 as governments and businesses struggle to recover from the coronavirus, setting off the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. What do you think?
Supreme Court Will Hear Arguments Via Teleconference For First Time #~# The Supreme Court announced they will hear oral arguments for several upcoming cases via phone conference this May in order to protect the health of the justices, six of whom are over 65. What do you think?
Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It #~# It’s a historic stimulus bill that will finally offer some financial relief to those affected by the coronavirus outbreak. But will Americans be able to prove they’re mature enough to spend it responsibly?
Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot #~# WASHINGTON—In a discovery that shed new light on the source of the global outbreak, top U.S. health experts told reporters Wednesday that Covid-19 originated in a promiscuous bat who slept around a lot. “We get that it’s totally normal for bats to mate and stuff, but this one, well, let’s just say it got around,” said epidemiologist Catherine Fisher, noting the bat in question didn’t even use protection, and that coronavirus was probably the least of the flying floozy’s problems considering the shit swirling around it all the time. “This bat was kind of a tramp, if we’re being honest. It didn’t care if you were a horseshoe, mouse-tailed, or Kitti’s hog-nosed bat; it was open for business. This bat would pretty much hook up with any mammal with wings. And we’re not trying to slut-shame, I swear. We just think the public deserves to know the facts.” At press time, the nation’s top epidemiologist had issued an apology to the bat after discovering the outbreak actually originated from a rather loose pangolin. 
Lonely Pedophile Wistfully Surveys Deserted Schoolyard Playground #~# CINCINNATI—As he lamented how strange and still it all seemed, lonely pedophile Henry Corimer, 46, reportedly ran his eyes over the desolate, empty playground of the public elementary school near his home Wednesday, remarking wistfully upon the scene. “To think how just a few weeks ago every slide and swing was occupied, and now there’s only me—a fool with his pockets full of candy, all for naught,” said Corimer, who sighed, sat down on his usual bench, and let a fistful of wood chips run through his fingers while he reflected on how odd it felt visiting a place that once formed such a routine part of his life and now suddenly seemed so alien. “God, I miss their games and small voices, the cheers and the pounding of sneakers on the blacktop. They may not be back until fall, and they grow up so fast!” Corimer added that he couldn’t imagine how he ever would have made it through the past month of the quarantine if he hadn’t had access to his 10,000 saved photographs, 2.5 gigabytes of video, and Zoom account.
Americans Begin Receiving Stimulus Checks #~# Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin announced that 80 million Americans will receive a direct deposit for up to $1,200 this week as part of the government’s economic relief package, with early reports indicating the funds are being used on food, gas, rent, and other necessities. What do you think?
Bulls Fire GM After 6-Week Winless Streak #~# CHICAGO—Claiming enough was enough after enduring the worst stretch in the history of the storied franchise, the Chicago Bulls announced Monday that they were firing general manager Gar Forman after a six-week winless streak. “While we appreciate all of Gar’s contributions, it’s simply unacceptable to go over a month of the season without winning a single game,” said team owner Jerry Reinsdorf, citing the fact that jersey sales were down over 90% and a terrible attendance record since mid-March as proof that the team’s roster was just not generating interest from fans. “It’s never an easy decision to part ways with a general manager, but this kind of drought calls for a complete change in direction. If it were not for the Magic, Nets, and Wizards going winless over the same recent stretch, we would already be eliminated from the playoffs. We’re worried it’s having negative effects on our players, too, because they’ve stopped showing up to practice.” At press time, the Bulls placed Zach Levine on the trading block after a six-week scoreless stretch.
Grinning Tim Cook Announces New iPhone Will No Longer Be Compatible With AirPods #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Unveiling Apple’s latest redesign following weeks of anticipation, a grinning Tim Cook announced Wednesday that the new iPhone will no longer be compatible with AirPods. “I think you’ll find the new iPhone is somewhat different than what you’re accustomed to,” said Cook, a wry expression slowly emerging on his face as he explained the company had been moving toward phasing out the $159 accessories for years. “It was a tough decision, believe us, but you’ll get used to it, I think. This is personally my favorite feature. Oh, and you won’t be able to use another brand of headphones, either. In fact, we’ve removed Bluetooth capabilities completely. Ha, excuse me, I’m sorry, I’m just barely able to contain my excitement.” At press time, Cook struggled to suppress his laughter as he added he just couldn’t wait to reveal what would happen to those who tried to use an adapter. 
Pope Francis Finally Close To Finishing Bible #~# VATICAN CITY—Expressing surprise at how productive he had been during the pandemic, Pope Francis told reporters Wednesday that he had finally gotten close to finishing the Bible during the quarantine. “Usually, I’ll get to Numbers or Judges and then give up, but being cooped up has actually given me a nice chance to power through some of the boring Holy Covenant stuff and really see what all the fuss is about,” said the pontiff, noting that he always wanted to read the sacred text, but had often gotten sidetracked with papal duties, public events, or simply picking up a more immediately compelling read by Lee Child or Michael Connelly. “It kind of drags in the middle, which made me want to just put on a movie and relax. But then I thought, honestly, what else am I doing with my time holed up in the papal apartment? So I kept at it, and, man, I’m glad I did. Once you get to all the Gospels and the whole Jesus-God twist, it’s just a total page-turner. I probably only have a few hundred more pages, and then this thing is in the bag.” Francis admitted that reading the Bible now made him regret skipping to the Quran years ago and spoiling so much of the story.
8 Electrical Outlets That Would Love The Opportunity To Power A Coffee Maker #~# The ideal vocation for this outlet would be firing up a state-of-the-art drip system for your favorite beans, but he would definitely still be open to a more subtle role, like heating the electric kettle that you use for pour over.
9 Inconsistencies In The Mysterious Disappearance Of The Countess Wellington #~# Consider first the site of the Countess’ unannounced departure: her study. As all witnesses agree, the Countess spent the evening penning correspondences at her desk, where the telltale scratch of her quill could be detected well into the evening. However, immediately following the stroke of midnight, the staff claims to have heard from behind the closed study door an impassioned argument erupt between the lady of the house and a young gentleman of unidentified origin.
Pros And Cons Of Reopening America Before Coronavirus Pandemic Ends #~# The dramatic effects of the ongoing coronavirus pandemic on the U.S. economy have given rise to calls for America to restart, while critics warn that reopening America before the pandemic abates will have grave long-term consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of reopening America before the coronavirus pandemic ends.
Fears Over Food Supply Grows After Nation’s Naughty Little Boys Sneak Into Reserve Stockpiles And Eat All The Sweets #~# WASHINGTON—Contributing to the sense of alarm spreading across the country, concerns over the food supply escalated Wednesday after the nation’s naughty little boys reportedly snuck into reserve stockpiles and ate up all the sweets. “A sudden disruption to our inventories occurred after several misbehaving young rascals made their way into stores of emergency provisions and helped themselves to every last sugary treat they could get their grubby hands on,” said Food and Drug Administration spokesperson Janice Ehlers, explaining that the mischievous little devils infiltrated reserves after picking locks with coat hangers and climbing onto one another’s backs to get up to the shelves where the chocolate bars, taffy, cakes, and cookies were stored. “We were alerted to their presence by their loud tee-hees, as well as the sounds of their crunching and slurping. By the time we arrived, however, all we found was a pile of discarded candy wrappers and a sorry crew of tubby, frosting-covered scamps who were rolling around on the storehouse floor as they clutched their protruding bellies. To make matters worse, they are, at present, still asking for more dessert.” While Ehlers confirmed the naughty boys deserved a spanking, she went on to admit she could not stay mad at those adorable, chubby-cheeked faces for long.
DMT Researchers Advise Maintaining 6-Foot Distance From Own Body #~# SANTA CRUZ, CA—As part of an effort to help reduce the spread of Covid-19, scientists who conduct research into DMT at the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies have advised members of the public to maintain an interval of at least 6 feet from their own body. “Now more than ever, it is imperative for citizens to keep a safe distance from their corporeal forms, as the novel coronavirus is highly contagious within the bounds of a physical reality,” MAPS researcher Bill Tasker told reporters Tuesday as he demonstrated the proper way to wash one’s astral hands for at least 20 infinities and urged people to wipe down all contaminated celestial planes, upon which the virus can reportedly transcend any perceived notions of time. “If you find yourself floating in the ether, suddenly grasping the illusory nature of the self, and how you’re so, so small, but you are also everything—the stars, the planets, the cosmos, holy shit, everything—that’s when it is vital to observe the self-distancing measures that can help stem the spread of this disease. Without your help flattening the curve, you are at risk of infection and possibly even ego death.” Tasker went on to describe a method by which people could potentially manifest N95 respirator masks out of pure energy.
Census Foot Soldiers Swarm Neighborhoods, Kick Down Doors To Tally Household Sizes #~# Every 10 years, platoons of armed soldiers from the U.S. Census Bureau burst through doors across the nation and count everyone living inside. Hear how the Bureau accomplishes this astonishing feat.
Aetna Honors All The Brave Insurance Debt Collectors Continuing To Work In This Difficult Time #~# HARTFORD, CT—Paying tribute to the brave men and women on the frontlines, Aetna president and CEO Larry Merlo released a statement Tuesday honoring his courageous employees who continue to seek and collect insurance debt from customers “proudly and by any means necessary” in this difficult time. “Our nation owes a great deal of respect and gratitude to these medical debt workers who have stepped up and remained fully committed to collecting every penny owed to our close-knit community of executives, investors, and brokers during this span of unprecedented emotional and financial difficulty and distress,” said the comfortably sequestered multimillionaire in charge of not only Aetna but also its parent company, CVS Health, saluting the “red-blooded American heroes” working day and night to shake down valued Aetna family members until they cough up their payments. “One silver lining to this dire situation is that it’s clear now more than ever who the truly essential workers are—those passionate, dedicated employees who put their lives on the line every day to keep our healthcare system lucrative in the midst of a global pandemic. Their job has never been easy, but now they’re being asked to place their personal lives on hold and risk their own safety to continue making threatening phone calls for hours on end, hunting deadbeats and knocking down doors on our behalf without breaks, sick days, or adequate protective gear—all to ensure that no outstanding or delinquent balance is left unpaid.” At press time, Merlo offered the debt collectors a heartfelt thank-you in lieu of the annual financial bonus the workers had previously been promised.
Trump Blasts Dr. Fauci Over Repeated Negative Remarks About Coronavirus #~# WASHINGTON—Reflecting the commander in chief’s growing frustration with the physician’s pattern of thinly veiled criticisms during the pandemic, President Donald Trump blasted Dr. Anthony Fauci Tuesday over his repeated negative remarks about the coronavirus. “Fauci has done some very good things, sure, but frankly, he has been extremely unfair to Covid-19,” Trump said in an impromptu statement in which the visibly exasperated president spent nearly half an hour venting about his frustrations with the NIH doctor’s inability to “stop running his mouth” to reporters every time a complaint about the coronavirus enters his head. “To be honest with you, I’ve thought about getting rid of this guy many, many times because of the lousy treatment he’s given this pandemic. And, let me tell you, he’s not so perfect himself. It would be nice to see some real leadership from Dr. Fauci for once. Frankly, I think he probably has some kind of vendetta against this virus and wants to take it out.” At press time, Trump had gone on to let loose in his criticism of the “clear liberal bias” that thousands of other doctors and health experts had shown in their negative portrayal of the pandemic.
NASCAR Driver Suspended Indefinitely For Racial Slur During Livestream #~# Stock-car driver Kyle Larson has been suspended by NASCAR, his racing team, and the online simulation game iRacing for using a racial slur during a virtual competition, though he could be eligible for reinstatement if he completes sensitivity training. What do you think?
Mike Pompeo Warns Iran Stockpiling Tubes To Build Ventilator #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that the coronavirus pandemic should not affect America’s hardline stance against the Middle Eastern republic, U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo warned Tuesday that he strongly suspected Iran of stockpiling tubes to build a ventilator. “Iran has repeatedly ignored our messages to refrain from building up a medical arsenal, and new intelligence shows that the regime could have a fully functional ventilator up and running in as little as a few weeks,” said Pompeo, adding that satellite images taken by U.S. spy planes appeared to show Iranian scientists assembling a cache of medical-grade valves. “There are also credible reports that Iran has acquired high-grade extension cords, and the regime refuses to deny that these cables could be used to power ventilators. This is clearly an effort to undermine American influence in the region, and one that could save thousands of Iranian lives. If we fail to act now, Iran will have a fully operational ventilator, which will not only strengthen their medical capacity but could produce a domino effect where they funnel tubes, valves, and knobs to other U.S. adversaries. A ventilator-capable Iran portends a dangerous new era for the world, which is why I call on President Trump to increase sanctions, and, if necessary, explore military action.” Pompeo added that the U.S. would only be willing to negotiate if Iranian officials turned over their entire supply of tubes to the U.N.
3 Dogs; 2 Clever Backyard Projects; 4 Candy Bars You Forgot Existed; A Woman Drowning; 2 80s Hairstyles We Loved and 30 Entrepreneurs Under 30 #~# A dog
Bib-Wearing Nation Holding Forks And Knives Impatiently Waiting For Restaurants To Reopen #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing ravenous desire in their gurgling bellies amid widespread lockdowns due to the novel coronavirus pandemic, the bib-wearing nation reportedly held forks and knives Monday while impatiently waiting for restaurants to reopen. “Hungry, hungry, hungry,” said 327 million Americans, drooling on their bibs in anticipation as a deafening roar of smacking lips resounded across the country. “We want num nums for our tum tums. Open up! Now, now, now!” At press time, the impatient nation began banging their silverware on the tables, demanding to be served.
Postal Service Unveils Plan To Pay Debts With New $1 Trillion Stamp #~# WASHINGTON—Faced with the prospect of complete financial ruin due to the Covid-19 outbreak, the U.S. Postal Service officially unveiled a plan Tuesday to pay off its debts by issuing a new $1 trillion stamp. “As part of our effort to remain solvent and continue serving the American people, we are proud to introduce this unique, die-cut postage stamp printed on a sheet of solid gold and featuring a custom rendition of the Postal Service logo hand-engraved by famed German artist Gerhard Richter,” said Postmaster General Megan Brennan, predicting the “highly collectible” stamp, which features a VVS diamond-studded border and a watermark made from rare, Renaissance-era Tyrian purple dye, would be of interest to any entity capable of raising the capital to purchase it. “This thing is a philatelist’s dream—frankly, it puts all your Inverted Jenny and Hawaiian Missionary stamps to shame. So get yours while you can! Honestly, we just need to sell one of these things and we’re good. Please help us. This is our last hope.” Brennan added that with its $1 trillion face value, the stamp could be used to send “just about anything you can stick it to,” from a postcard to a shipment of stockpiled ventilators requested by a governor who demonstrates sufficient fealty.
Nation Breathes Sigh Of Relief After Learning Cast Of ‘Brockmire’ Wishes Them Well #~# NEW YORK—The nation reportedly breathed a sigh of relief Monday after learning of a social media message from IFC sitcom Brockmire in which the cast and crew wished them well amidst these trying times. “Thank God, if Hank Azaria and Amanda Peet want us to do our part to stay healthy and happy during the outbreak, then maybe we’ll actually make it through this thing,” said 323 million visibly comforted Americans, who collectively exhaled with the reassurance that can only come from receiving well-wishes from the leading actors and actresses behind a comedy about the hijinx that ensues from a disgraced Major League Baseball announcer attempting to reclaim his former glory. “Here we were sitting in our homes and ready to give up hope, and then suddenly Paul Rae steps in to shine a light on us in the darkest of times and give all of us the strength to carry on. We’re going to persevere and come out of this crisis after all. We just know it. And we know it because of Brockmire.” At press time, the tearful nation had joined together in a shared round of applause for showrunner Joel Church-Cooper and everything his ensemble cast had done for the country.
Julian Assange Secretly Fathered 2 Kids In Ecuadorian Embassy #~# Lawyer Stella Morris claimed in a video posted online that she is engaged to WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange and that he fathered their two children in the Ecuadorian embassy, where he lived from 2012 through 2019 while evading rape and espionage charges. What do you think?
Boris Johnson Released From Hospital After Stay In ICU #~# British prime minister Boris Johnson left the hospital Sunday following a weeklong stay including three days in the ICU due to complications from Covid-19, though he will not return to work until a later date. What do you think?
Desperate Red Cross Introduces New High-Powered Arm Juicer To Get Every Last Drop Out Of Donors #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the machine a “potential breakthrough” in the nonprofit’s fight against the coronavirus pandemic, a desperate American Red Cross introduced a new high-powered arm juicer Monday designed to get every last drop of blood out of donors. “We’ve been struggling to find healthy donors, so this machine is a godsend thanks to its ability to extract 99% of blood platelets,” said American Red Cross president Gail McGovern, clarifying that donors simply fit their arms into the juicer’s mold while three blades work to draw blood “until there’s nothing left but a tray of bone dust.” “It’s a relatively pain-free process, and donors won’t have to worry about needle pricks. We’re encouraging everyone to consider having the procedure done on both arms to help us meet the increasing demand. There’s a nation-wide shortage of blood, and when you’re hooked up to the arm juicer, just know that you’re saving lives.” At press time, McGovern announced that donors who felt dizzy after giving blood would receive a cookie to get their blood sugar levels back up.
Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores #~# Lawmakers are finally beginning to take action with a new coronavirus package that will distribute 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzles to all bored families most affected. But will it be enough?
Pandas In Locked-Down Zoo Mate After 10 Years Of Trying #~# Ying Ying and Le Le, two giant pandas living at a zoo in Hong Kong currently closed due to coronavirus, have successfully mated for the first time in a decade, though it could be months before staff can determine if Ying Ying is pregnant. What do you think?
Historians Discover Declaration Of Independence Originally Intended As Outlet For Founders To Vent Privately #~# WASHINGTON—Upending generations of established scholarship, a report published Monday by the American Historical Association has revealed the Declaration of Independence was only intended to be a vehicle for the Founding Fathers to vent in private about various grievances they had. “According to newly uncovered records of their meetings, the men who assembled in the summer of 1776 at what we now call Independence Hall were in fact just using the declaration as a way to blow off some steam,” said noted historian and society president Mary Lindemann, explaining that a secretarial error resulted in the document being sent aboard the packet ship Mercury to London, where the bold pronouncement was interpreted as a declaration of war. “The founders had a lot they wanted to get off their chest about the crown taxing them without their consent, quartering troops among them, taking them captive on the high seas, and so forth. But they never imagined King George III would actually read all these disparaging things they were saying about him. I’m sure Thomas Jefferson would shudder to think that, two centuries after his death, an entire nation continues to read what was essentially a long diary entry over and over again.” The report also found evidence that the entire Second Continental Congress, convened from 1775 to 1781, was viewed by those in attendance as nothing more than a safe space where everyone could just talk.
Bad News, Naughty Dog Fans: ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Has Been Delayed Again After Joel Was Arrested For Taking Pictures Of Kids At Local Playgrounds #~# When the news first came down the pipeline that The Last of Us Part II wouldn’t be hitting its planned Feb. 21, 2020 release date, it was a major blow to devotees of the series everywhere—but an understandable one. After all, this is one of the greatest gaming series in the medium’s history. If the Uncharted and Jax creators wanted to take their time making a fittingly perfect sequel, then so be it. Unfortunately, we now have even worse news, Naughty Dog fans: The developers just confirmed that the game would be delayed indefinitely after Joel was arrested today for taking photos of children at several playgrounds close to his residence in Hartville, WY.
10 Celebrities You Never Knew Were Abducted And Murdered By Andie MacDowell #~# Corbin Bernsen is perhaps best known for his role in the hit ’80s TV drama L.A. Law, but we bet you didn’t realize he was yet another victim of Green Card star Andie MacDowell! In 2010, the Hollywood actress dragged a screaming Bernsen into the trunk of her car before driving him out into the Mojave Desert and shooting him in the head.
‘I Can Still Cook This, Right,’ Asks Woman Holding Up Writhing, Screaming Potato With 8-Foot-Long Roots #~# JERSEY CITY, NJ—Shrugging while pulling the several-months-old vegetable out of a bag on her counter, local woman Janice Freidman reportedly inspected a writhing, screaming potato with 8-foot-long roots Friday before deeming it “probably still good.” “I bet it’s fine—if I just cut off the spiked, muscular tendrils and peel the thick, green-ish skin, I can bake it and it’ll be good as new,” said Freidman, who, after taking a knife and stabbing the potato a few times, noted that despite the spud’s toothy, frothing mouth and constant shrieking, its texture and smell were not that concerning. “Sure, I probably should have used this like a week ago, but as long as I can free my wrist from these tendrils, it’ll be perfectly good to eat. Next time, I’ll definitely keep it out of direct sunlight, and—oh my God. It’s biting. Ow. Get it off of me!” At press time, the potato could be heard gurgling words in broken English, asking how to know exactly when a human has gone bad.
Facebook Switchboard Operators Overwhelmed During High-Traffic Afternoon #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Straining to keep up with the frantic buzz of incoming calls, Facebook’s 25-person switchboard room was reportedly in a state of controlled chaos Friday afternoon in an attempt to handle the site’s overwhelming traffic. “Okay, I’ll connect you to her page. Yes sir, patching you into that album now. Sure, hun, here’s your Daily Mail post,” switchboard operator Gladys Palmer said into her bulky stereo headset, chain-smoking Virginia Slims as she reached through a tangle of cables, unplugged several nodes, and re-inserted them elsewhere to route the flurry of friend requests and status updates through the 2.45 billion-user social network. “Manager! We have another like coming through! Hang on—okay ma’am, yes, would you like to block a cousin? Of course, right away, right away.” At press time, the entire switchboard had ground to a halt after a video of a joyful dog with no front legs crashed the system.
European Vacation Dispatch: All Good Things Must Come To An End #~# While host Leslie Price wishes his Italian getaway would never end, he simply can’t wait to get back behind the microphone. Join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!
Dr. Fauci Calls For End To Handshakes #~# White House coronavirus task force member Dr. Anthony Fauci said in an interview this week that Americans should end the practice of shaking hands, noting that doing so would reduce the transmission of respiratory illnesses like Covid-19 and influenza. What do you think?
7 Times We Mistook Some Random Long-Haired Guy In The Sky For Jesus #~# Last week, we were absolutely sure the Second Coming of Jesus Christ was at hand when a bearded man with long, flowing locks materialized before us, but it was just the pizza delivery guy.
Must See: The ‘Final Fantasy VII Remake’ Features The Gorgeous New Opening Film ‘Taxi Driver’ #~# Buckle up, Final Fantasy fans, because the hotly anticipated remake to the most beloved installment in this series has finally rolled out, and it’s everything we could have wanted! Square Enix’s latest release offers a completely remastered experience chock-full of innovative additions, but none are as dazzling as the game’s new opening film, Martin Scorcese’s 1976 masterpiece Taxi Driver.
KitchenAid Introduces New High-Speed Countertop Chicken Decapitator #~# BENTON HARBOR, MI—In response to consumer complaints regarding other methods deemed by many to be too clumsy, messy, and slow for daily use, executives at the KitchenAid home appliance company announced Friday a new high-speed countertop chicken decapitator. “The HeadsGone unit has a tempered, spinning blade inside its stainless steel housing and a five-horsepower electric motor, so it can decapitate chicken after chicken after chicken without overheating or burning out,” said KitchenAid spokesperson Danielle Robertson, later adding that the compact appliance takes up minimal space and would fit easily alongside blenders and toaster ovens, going on to reveal that the blood tray was coated with Teflon for easy cleaning. “Slide anything up to as large in circumference as a turkey’s skull through the slot and you’ll be amazed at how quickly and quietly you’ll have a headless, still-twitching bird carcass laying on your counter.” Although Robertson refused to comment on rumors about other forthcoming KitchenAid products, sources said that the company has filed several patents related to the first hog disemboweler approved for in-home use. 
MUST SEE: 10 AMAZING, Totally WTF Brick Photos (NSFW) #~# Now that’s what we call a brick!
Highlights Of ‘Tiger King’ #~# Tiger King, a true-crime documentary series, has taken the nation by storm. The Onion looks at the most thrilling and talked-about moments from the series.
One-Third Of American Renters Didn’t Pay On Time In April #~# According to the National Multifamily Housing Council, 31% of renters did not pay rent within the first week of April, up from the normal monthly average of 20% as more Americans struggle to make ends meet during the pandemic. What do you think?
‘It Was, For, Uh, Medical Reasons,’ Says Doctor To Boris Johnson, Explaining Why They Had To Give Him Haircut #~# LONDON—Calling the procedure “a fast, er, effective way” to treat symptoms of the Covid-19 virus, doctors at St. Thomas’ Hospital reportedly told British prime minister Boris Johnson that the haircut he’d received on Friday “was for, uh, medical reasons.” “Well, you see Prime Minister, because of your severe respiratory issues, we, um, actually needed to access that part of your head for a...surgery thing, yes,” said senior clinician Dr. Randal Jensen, taking long, awkward pauses as he looked between his medical charts and Johnson’s new head of short, well-coiffed hair. “Simply put, if we had kept your hairstyle the way it was, you could have risked death or something else, probably. We believe this is because the uh...keratin in your hair is related to your lungs, but don’t worry too much about that right now. We actually do it to all our patients. Right, yes, we definitely do that.” At press time, the prime minister had reportedly informed his medical team that after his emergency lifesaving haircut, he’d never felt better. 
‘New York Times’ Pledges To Cover Biden Sexual Assault Allegations In Upcoming Crossword #~# NEW YORK—In response to recent criticism for their apparent silence regarding accusations made by a former Senate office staffer, the New York Times editorial board pledged Thursday to provide full coverage of sexual assault allegations against Joe Biden in an upcoming crossword. “We promise this story will get the appropriate coverage it deserves, delivered sensitively to our readership as a puzzle that keeps the brain sharp,” said executive editor Dean Baquet, explaining that the substantial report would be easily accessible behind a paywall for premium subscribers to solve. “I can assure readers that we have our finest puzzle makers on the job. It’s important that we’re careful to treat these allegations seriously, as well as try to find a way to fit the words “Inappropriate Touching” into a single answer on the grid. We’ve done our due diligence and reached out to the Biden campaign to comment on 18 Down and 46 Across, although we haven’t yet received a comment since they might take a while to figure it out. As journalists, we will ensure that this pressing story will be available soon, maybe Thursday, but definitely not Sunday because that’s a big day for us.” At press time, the story had been pulled from the crossword to be interpreted from the astrology section. 
Zoom CEO Reclines Back In Chair In Front Of Massive Wall Of Screens Displaying 10 Million Live Video Feeds #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Settling in for another day at the helm of his booming telecommunication empire, Zoom CEO Eric Yuan reportedly reclined in his chair Thursday to watch the massive wall of screens in his office that continuously displays 10 million live video feeds from his company’s platform. “So much to catch up on today—might as well get started with the Henderson family out in Omaha,” Yuan said to himself, as he rapidly toggled between thousands of displays that enlarged to show a Minneapolis advertising firm’s morning meeting, a belated Passover Seder in New Jersey, a group of old college friends reconnecting from around the country, and a pair of long-distance lovers engaged in an intimate exchange. “Before I forget, I’d better tell Cheryl to pencil in Ms. Stamm’s math class at White Pines School in Iowa City for 1:30. Don’t want to miss that. Oh, wait…here we go! That Swedish couple is fighting again. This is so great. I have no idea what they’re talking about, but they’re really going at it this time. Man, this shit never gets old.” At press time, sources confirmed Yuan had contacted Zoom’s general counsel to ask if he was obligated to do anything about the approximately three murders witnessed every five minutes on the company’s app.
Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away #~# DEERFIELD, IL—In an effort to better protect all customers during the Covid-19 pandemic, retail pharmacy chain Walgreens introduced new dumbass-only shopping hours Thursday for dipshits who don’t know how to stay 6 goddamn feet away. “We want everyone to feel safe while shopping at Walgreens, so from now on, we’re reserving every morning from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. for fuckwits who lack the common sense not to get right up behind a stranger and breathe into their ear,” said CEO Stefano Pessina, who noted that the research shows the dipshit population is at particularly high risk of being infected, and encouraged any non-distancing moron interested in contracting or spreading the virus to take advantage of these special time slots. “If you want to pass someone but can’t process the idea of using another aisle or waiting for two fucking seconds, then come on in. Slobbering dolts incapable of following simple CDC guidelines can feel free to lumber around our aisles coughing all over the frozen corn dogs and touching their dumb fucking faces at these times. We’ve prepared our stores by marking out the checkout lanes in 6-foot increments for shit-for-brains to blow straight through. Help yourself to any merchandise you like, because our sales associates won’t be sticking around.” At press time, Pessina added that if any knuckle-dragging dumbfucks wanted to die in their stores, then that’s fine too.
Bernie Sanders Drops Out Of Presidential Race #~# Bernie Sanders suspended his presidential campaign Wednesday, saying a path to victory was “virtually impossible” after falling behind former Vice President Joe Biden by nearly 300 delegates. What do you think?
Black Man Shot By Police After Matching Description For Covid-19 #~# NEW YORK CITY—Responding to an anonymous tip regarding alleged suspicious activity, police shot an unarmed black civilian who reportedly matched the description for Covid-19, sources confirmed Wednesday. “In the heat of the moment, it was completely impossible to differentiate between the 6-foot-1inch, 175-pound male and the 0.125-micron pathogen,” said Sergeant Troy Ellis of the NYPD, describing how the tips on the suspect’s shoelaces were nearly identical to the microscopic spikes found on the novel coronavirus. “Obviously this is an unfortunate mistake, but the party in question was potentially a highly contagious disease that could’ve infected the entire community, and we couldn’t take that risk. We’ve received numerous reports of the virus hanging out in the streets of nearby neighborhoods, and it is our responsibility to act. We put our lives on the line out here to serve and protect, and when the suspect put his arm up to cough into his elbow, we had no way of knowing whether he was a virus going for a gun.” At press time, leaked body cam footage revealed that the police officer had dropped a positive test result next to the suspect’s corpse.
12 Top-Paying Jobs In The U.S. #~# Doctor: Among the country’s top-paying professionals are doctors, the broad category of medical practitioners who tell people how they will die. Doctors receive years of training to examine patients and figure out what will kill them, such as cancer or a genetic defect. For determining how patients will become a corpse, doctors can make $150,000 a year or more.
CDC Releases Instructions For All Americans To Make Their Own Hospitals #~# ATLANTA—Recommending that the nation’s populace act immediately to help stop the spread of Covid-19, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released instructions Wednesday for all Americans to make their own hospitals. “Staying safe during coronavirus can be difficult, especially when you lack access to necessary supplies, but it’s very important, so we’ve provided an easy tutorial for DIY hospitals that anyone can make with some common household items,” read the CDC website in part, accompanied by a detailed how-to guide with pictures walking the reader through building a 250,000-square-foot facility at home containing an intensive care unit, emergency ward, surgery rooms, and inpatient units, complete with the necessary equipment and supplies to treat any family members who fall ill. “It might seem daunting to build your own hospital, but the truth is you can do it in under an hour with things you find lying around the house. Do you have a bed? You’re practically halfway there. Using just a tape, scissors, some rubber bands, yarn, gallon milk jugs, and a sturdy bag, you can have a full supply of ventilators, anesthesia machines, sterilizers, and other essential medical devices. All you need is a good-size yard to dig the foundation, some old jeans you can stitch into a heart monitor, and some drinking straws to create usable hypodermic needles. In order to beat this, the CDC advises all Americans to put their can-do spirit to work and prioritize spending the afternoon building a fully functional medical facility.” The CDC also provided anyone concerned they had coronavirus with step-by-step instructions for checking themselves into their homemade hospital, running diagnostics tests, prescribing themselves treatment, hooking themselves up to a handmade ventilator, and declaring themselves dead.
Astronaut’s Estranged Wife Accused Of Lying About Space Crime #~# The estranged wife of NASA astronaut Anne McClain has been indicted for lying to federal authorities about McClain stealing her identity to access her bank account while aboard the International Space Station, a claim that would have been the first known case of a crime committed in space had it been true. What do you think?
Undaunted Sanders Supporters Announce They’ll Continue Presidential Campaign Without Candidate #~# NEW YORK—Stressing that they would not allow a minor bump in the road to prevent them from delivering true change, the nation’s undaunted Bernie Sanders supporters announced Wednesday that they would continue his 2020 presidential campaign without the candidate. “Time and again, the mainstream media has predicted the end of this campaign, and they will again try to spin losing our only candidate as the clear conclusion of Bernie’s run for the presidency—but they could not be more wrong,” said Peter Symanski, a 27-year-old Sanders supporter who echoed the sentiment of thousands across the country while describing the Vermont senator’s decision to drop out of the race as “an insignificant setback” on the path to bringing a progressive vision to the Oval Office in 2020. “They said this race was over after South Carolina, they said it was over after Super Tuesday. But with or without our candidate, we will soldier ahead with our plan to bring true change in November. This race isn’t close to over.” At press time, the unwavering followers of Sanders went on to vow that if they did not find success this year, they would likely keep running the 2020 campaign until the end of the decade.
European Vacation Dispatch: Ciao From The Venetian Riviera! #~# Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!
SeaWorld CEO Resigns After Furloughing 90% Of Workers #~# Citing disagreements with the board of directors, Sergio Rivera resigned this week just five months into his tenure as SeaWorld CEO and days after the company furloughed 90% of its employees due to the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?
Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January #~# WASHINGTON—In a very serious and damning new report published Wednesday, a government watchdog group has found that, as early as January, White House officials failed to heed repeated warnings of impending doom that arrived via four skeletal horsemen galloping through the sky. “On Jan. 3, the Trump administration received its first notification that a quartet of ghostly riders had barreled out of the endless night—auguring death, despair, and a great cataclysm upon the earth—but the president did not begin to take the threat seriously until mid-March,” said Douglas Reisenthaler of the nonpartisan Institute for Federal Policy, a co-author of the report compiled from interviews with sources who asked to remain anonymous because they were not authorized to discuss torrents of blood raining from the Oval Office ceiling and flooding the West Wing. “For 10 full weeks, during which the White House could have been using the vast resources at its disposal to prepare for the final battle between good and evil, officials instead chose to downplay the coming apocalypse, minimizing omens such as the sudden rupture of the moon, which unleashed the black, inky trail of crows that continues to circle the Washington Monument. How many countless souls could have been saved from the dark ravages of hell simply by alerting the public that a beast with seven heads and 10 horns had emerged from the sea?” Asked about the report, White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany replied that the ominous sound of seven trumpets was being heard all the time, and no one could have known these were the seven trumpets that would herald the 1,000-year reign of Satan on earth.
How Unemployment Benefits Work #~# Over 6 million Americans filed for unemployment benefits last week, and the last three weeks have seen the largest rise in unemployment claims in U.S. history, with many people now embroiled for the first time in an often confusing process. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how unemployment benefits work.
NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018 #~# CAPE CANAVERAL—Calling it the first purely revenge-based mission to ever be attempted on the red planet, NASA officials announced Wednesday the successful launch of the Vengeance Rover to pay back Mars for killing Opportunity back in 2018. “This is a historic launch that will bring our administration closer to the goal of getting sweet vengeance on Mars for what it did to the Opportunity Rover back in 2018—you hear that, you son of a bitch? We’re coming for you,” said agency administrator Jim Bridenstein of the dual turret and nuclear rocket-mounted robotic rover, noting that the entirely bulletproof Vengeance carried enough firepower to “unleash holy hell on Mars and then some” on a mission that they speculated would need to last over five years to satisfy the administration’s desire for righteous bloodshed against the fourth planet from the sun. “Ever since that cruel dust storm in June 2018 tragically ended the Opportunity Rover’s mission, we’ve been biding our time and waiting for the perfect moment to get even with this ugly red bastard. And that moment has finally come. Or maybe you thought we forgot, you stupid fuck? No, NASA never forgets. It just smiles and waves, and then it builds a near-indestructible rover that gets even with a hydrogen bomb delivered to your impact crater when you least expect it.” At press time, Bridenstein speculated that the Vengeance Rover would be able to reign down hellfire on Mars indefinitely without maintenance due to its being powered exclusively by sheer malice and spite.
‘Just Go Home And Sleep It Off,’ Says Doctor To Coughing, Feverish Black Patient #~# MILWAUKEE, WI—Downplaying requests to check his vital signs as “totally unnecessary,” primary care physician William Kinlaw recommended Wednesday that a coughing, feverish black patient “just go home and sleep it off.” “We’re dealing with a flood of people who have actual problems, so you shouldn’t come in unless it’s an emergency,” said Kinlaw, gesturing toward a waiting room filled with white patients. “I’d recommend changing your diet and making sure you’re drinking enough water. It’ll probably clear up by tomorrow, but if it lingers for a few weeks I’d start taking a few Tylenol after meals. Oh, and hot tea always helps.” At press time, hospital security had escorted the coughing patient off the premises. 
12 Shocking Table Corners We Wish We Could Unsee #~# Ugh! Good luck erasing this table corner from our memory.
Lady Gaga Announces Multi-Network Covid-19 Benefit Concert Telecast #~# Lady Gaga announced that she is curating the “One World: Together At Home” benefit concert that will air simultaneously on ABC, NBC, and CBS on April 18 and feature musical artists including Elton John, Paul McCartney, Lizzo, and Billie Eilish among others. What do you think?
Exhausting Every Other Way To Pass Time, Couple Begins Ranking Their Lamps #~# DAYTON, OH—Having run out of every other possible way to kill time, local couple Mark Lippeatt and Darcy Hatfield began the process of ranking all the lamps in their apartment, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Okay, so the living room floor lamp scores major points for overall brightness, but I’m still going with the mid-century modern desk lamp based on sheer aesthetics,” Lippeatt said as he and Hatfield each filled out a hand-written list in which they ranked the eight lamps in their home on attributes such as craftsmanship, energy efficiency, beauty, functionality, total lumens, and warmth of glow. “I have to ding the lamp in the hallway because the on/off knob always sticks and it really pales in comparison to the sconces, which get high marks both for their appealing design and their use of LEDs. Wait, hold on—did you really rank that ceramic elephant lamp from the thrift store above the Tiffany lamp with the Edison bulb? Seriously, Darcy? Well, I suppose I should have known I’m the only person in this house who appreciates a bit of fucking elegance when he sees it. I swear, sometimes I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you.” At press time, reports confirmed Lippeatt’s old lava lamp from college had been disqualified after it was smashed to pieces during a blowout argument.
Trump Overturns Presidential Limo While Touting Effectiveness Of PCP To Treat Coronavirus #~# WASHINGTON—Screaming about how great the drug works while beating on his chest, Donald Trump reportedly overturned a presidential limousine Tuesday while touting the effectiveness of PCP in treating coronavirus. “Don’t listen to all the bulllshit—this stuff right here will make you fucking invincible against Covid!” said the commander in chief, who had angel dust all over his face and was covered in scratch marks as he ripped off all his clothes, dashed across the National Mall, and dived headfirst into the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool after dozens of Secret Service agents failed to restrain him. “I’ve been awake for 172 hours, let’s try to see that fucking virus try to get me now! Grah! Why even worry about the virus? The real thing you gotta worry about is these scorpions crawling around inside your skull!” At press time, Dr. Anthony Fauci respectfully pushed back against the president’s claims, saying that there had been no trial evidence indicating that phencyclidine was an effective means of treating Covid-19.
Allstate Returns Over $600 Million In Auto Premiums As Drivers Stay Home During Pandemic #~# The insurance company Allstate announced its customers would receive a 15% payback on their monthly premiums for April and May, citing a nationwide reduction in driving as Americans sheltered in place. What do you think?
Senator Kelly Loeffler Asks For Prayers After Losing $3 On Single Stock Due To Coronavirus #~# WASHINGTON—Begging her constituents to keep her family in their thoughts in the coming days, Sen. Kelly Loeffler (R-GA) asked for Americans to send her prayers in an emotional press conference Tuesday in which she announced that she had lost as much as $3 on a single stock due to the coronavirus. “I am asking for all of your support in helping me through this difficult time, a time of incalculable financial loss that I hope none of you have to experience,” said the junior Georgia senator, often straining to hold back tears as she told reporters that she and her husband would be spending the coming weeks speaking with financial advisors about how to make sense of this unimaginable fiscal hardship. “You tell yourself something like this can never happen to you, you pretend you’re immune to the terrible effects of this pandemic, but then you check in with your investment advisor and the news is almost too much to bear. Three dollars. Gone forever. When Jeffery and I found out, we cried for hours. I’ll never forget the memory of my beloved stock’s market value. May God protect the rest of our portfolios during this challenging time.” At press time, Loeffler had started a GoFundMe to recoup the loss and raised over $90,000 in the first few minutes. 
Ratings-Hungry Chris Cuomo Devotes Program To Interviewing 23 Other Cuomo Brothers #~# NEW YORK—Enjoying a significant uptick in viewers following recent viral appearances on his television show by New York governor and brother Andrew, ratings-hungry CNN analyst Chris Cuomo devoted an entire program Tuesday to interviewing the remaining 23 brothers in the Cuomo family. “This segment is called ‘Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo on Cuomo,’ and I’ll be interviewing the sons of Mario and Matilda Cuomo,” said the CNN host and a member of the quadruplet consisting of Carlo, Giovanni, and Luca Cuomo. “First up, we have Donnie, Steven, Bobby, Orlando, Frank, Lou, and Jimmy with the famous pie shop, as well as Vinnie, a market analyst in Cleveland. Let’s not forget Benny the Butcher, Sinbad the artist, Eddie the mechanic, Lorenzo the tailor, and Artie, who is 54 but has yet to get a job or move out of our mother’s house. Come on, Artie, get it together. Hopefully, we can get my brother Beppo to play his accordion for us. And now we’re joined by Al, Paulie, Antonio, Ricky, Luigi, and Marco Cuomo who run a burger joint down in Bay Ridge. These guys are my best friends, and we talk to each other several times a day.” At press time, CNN viewers were delighted as all 24 brothers were talking over each other.
Uh, Thanks?: Sony Has Announced That PlayStation Plus Subscribers Can Download The Movie ‘Spanglish’ For Free During The Month Of April #~# Well, PS Plus subscribers, it turns out we have some potentially good news. As many gamers remain shut-in during the COVID-19 pandemic, Sony just announced its lineup for April, and it turns out people using their subscription service will be given the chance to download the 2004 romantic comedy Spanglish for free for the next four weeks. 
Wisconsin Holds Democratic Primary Despite Coronavirus Concerns #~# Wisconsin is holding its presidential primary today just hours after an executive order from Governor Tony Evers to halt the election was blocked by the state Supreme Court, a move local Democrats and voting rights groups fear will put voters in danger and greatly reduce turnout. What do you think?
European Vacation Dispatch From Leslie Price #~# Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday April 13th for all new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!
Georgia Governor Argues That Closing State’s Beaches An Attack On Citizens’ Fundamental Right To Get Wet ’N’ Wild #~# ATLANTA—With public health experts decrying his decision last week to reopen the state’s beaches, Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp argued Monday that any government action limiting fun in the sun would constitute an infringement upon every citizen’s fundamental right to get wet ’n’ wild. “Our forefathers fought and died to ensure future generations of Americans could enjoy certain God-given freedoms, among them the ability to head on down to the beach anytime one likes and have a splish-splashin’ good time in the waves,” said Kemp, adding that he had no doubt the American colonists’ decision to secede from Great Britain stemmed in part from concerns over whether the crown would continue to guarantee them unfettered access to sunshine, sand, and surf all summer long. “If we cannot throw on a pair of trunks, wax down our boards, and shred those waves; if we cannot slip on some shades and work on our tans; if girls in bikinis cannot play a simple game of beach volleyball in the sizzlin’ hot sun, then who are we, as a people? My God, ‘from sea to shining sea’—it’s right there in the Declaration of Independence.” Kemp went on to state that Georgia’s owners of beachfront property were exempt from his order and welcome to continue trammeling upon people’s right to enjoy the ocean.
Crazed, Quarantined Mental Health Experts Recommend Scrawling ‘Everything Will Be Okay’ In Feces On Wall #~# STANFORD, CA—Cackling maniacally as they encouraged Americans to begin engaging in radical acts of self-care, crazed, quarantined mental health experts at Stanford University recommended scrawling the words “everything will be okay” in feces on the wall, sources confirmed Monday. “It may sound simple—hahahaha—but one of the easiest ways to stay positive is to leave little reminders for yourself around the house, whether those are smeared in human excrement on your bathroom mirror or written in blood straight on your kitchen floor,” said professor of psychiatry Dr. Carissa Underwood, who, after taking off her clothes and slapping herself across the face, emphasized that repetition was important, and the more people wrote short, mindful phrases like “you are stronger than this” and “remember to breathe” in their bodily fluids, the better. “While it might not be for everyone, many of my patients find it extremely helpful to walk around their homes and see several giant hearts and cute smiley faces drawn on the wall with nothing but their own vomit. For me, personally, I like to wake up each morning with all 32 of my teeth hammered into the ceiling, arranged to spell ‘you are enough’—it really keeps me grounded.” At press time, the wild-eyed mental health experts also recommended taking a deep breath, taking stock of your possessions, and immediately burning your house to the ground. 
Trump Admits 18 New States To Increase Competition For Medical Supplies #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to attract better offers from governors forced into bidding wars over life-saving equipment, President Donald Trump admitted 18 new states Monday to increase competition for medical supplies. “The free market works best with some healthy competition, so by increasing the number of U.S. states to 68, we can hopefully double the cost of ventilators,” said Trump, who noted that American Samoa, the U.S. Virgin Islands, Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands, Midway Atoll, Toronto, and Tijuana were among the 18 territories that had been fast-tracked into the Union. “It’s important our manufacturers are getting the best prices possible. We’re sending 300,000 surgical masks to a new state in the middle of Maine we’re calling Clovis. Nobody lives there, but it’s going to help drive up demand. The Coral Princess cruise ship is also now a state, a beautiful floating place, and they’re looking for PPE, too. We don’t have enough for them, but we’re looking forward to their bids.” At press time, Trump clarified Puerto Rico would remain an unincorporated territory. 
Scientists Announce They Have Probably Successfully Taught Sign Language To Snakes #~# BALTIMORE—Saying the probable linguistic accomplishment could very well constitute a scientific breakthrough, behavioral herpetologists at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that they have most likely successfully taught sign language to snakes. “Uh, yeah, after 20 years of hard work and nearly $250 million in grants, we believe the snakes in our study have almost certainly learned American Sign Language,” said Dr. Lance Hutchinson, the project’s lead researcher, adding that snakes have been cut off from the speaking world for millennia by their lack of complex ear structures and that learning a few basic signs, as they seem to have done, would allow them to communicate with humans. “We’re just going to be positive and say that, yes, all that wriggling around snakes do is an attempt at verbal expression. Larry, our boa constrictor, regularly uses his body to make the letters J, L, and I, and we’re working around the clock to figure out what he’s saying. In the meantime, we gave him a kitten, as that’s what Koko the famous gorilla asked for when she learned to sign. It’s been several kittens by now, in fact, because they seem to keep getting caught in the O’s and we’re not sure Larry has learned the signs for ‘let go’ yet.” Dr. Hutchinson also said researchers believe the snakes are probably capable of teaching sign language to their young after witnessing entire snake families simultaneously making the letter S.
Americans Urged To Make Their Own Face Masks #~# In a reversal from previous guidelines, the CDC is now urging all Americans to make masks from household fabrics like tea towels or cotton T-shirts and wear them when out in public to prevent asymptomatic individuals from spreading the disease. What do you think?
15 Most Common Misspellings #~# Quite often people omit the letter C in the everyday noun “truck.”
NYPD Razes Central Park Hospital Tents For Violating Outdoor Encampment Laws #~# NEW YORK—After bulldozers had demolished the provisional treatment centers, New York Police Department officials confirmed Friday they had razed the newly erected Central Park hospital tents, explaining that the structures, which housed coronavirus patients, violated outdoor encampment laws. “It’s illegal to set up housing in a public space like this without the proper permits, so everyone here must disperse immediately or else be subject to arrest,” Sgt. Nicholas Remis said through a bullhorn to dozens of intubated ICU patients as officers in full tactical gear disconnected and seized IV stands, ventilators, and hospital beds, which were then hauled away to an impound lot in the Bronx, where the equipment will reportedly be destroyed. “You are all going to need to find somewhere else to sleep, so please gather your things and get out of here. We’re not joking around, people. We’re gonna leave and come back in half an hour, and if you’re still here, things are gonna get a lot uglier.” At press time, witnesses reported that the officers had returned and were firing tear gas canisters at several noncompliant seniors who could be seen coughing up blood and failing to disperse.
FDA Eases Restrictions On Blood Donations From Gay, Bisexual Men #~# Citing the need to maintain the country’s blood supply during the coronavirus pandemic, the FDA announced gay and bisexual men are eligible to donate blood if they’ve abstained from sex with other men for the previous three months. What do you think?
Effects Of Coronavirus On The Internet #~# As the spread of coronavirus has caused more Americans to isolate indoors, there have been many effects both on how people use the internet and on infrastructure itself—everything from changing behaviors, to reshaping work and education, to putting pressure on the grid. The Onion looks at the effects of coronavirus on the internet.
CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FIVE: The Last Will And Testament Of Topical Host Leslie Price #~# After discovering he may have contracted Covid-19 from his yoga swami Derek, Leslie Price reflects on his time on Earth as he prepares for the worst.
Coronavirus Task Force Member Receives Security Detail Following Threats #~# Infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci, who is helping lead the White House’s response against Covid-19, has been given a security detail after receiving threats online from conspiracy theorists who believe he is attempting to hurt the president’s image during a campaign year. What do you think?
In God We Trust: The All-Time Sexiest Dimes #~# This little stunner might only be 1/10 of a dollar, but she’s got 100% of our attention.
Southern Governors Argue Covid-19 Good Christian Virus That Wouldn’t Dare Spread During Church #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a bold affirmation of faith during a time of widespread global pandemic, the governors of several Southern states confirmed Thursday they have exempted religious services from their shelter-in-place orders, arguing that Covid-19 is a good Christian virus that wouldn’t dare to spread during church. “As far as I can tell, this coronavirus is an upstanding and righteous disease that knows better than to continue its deadly outbreak within a house of God,” Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis said in a statement later echoed by Govs. Bill Lee of Tennessee, Greg Abbott of Texas, and Tate Reeves of Mississippi. “If we were talking about some sort of secular, atheistic virus, churchgoers might have cause for worry. But I believe in my heart this highly communicable pathogen will show respect during services and not do anything to harm the Lord’s flock on our day of rest. Now, what the virus does to the wicked, sinful people in our community—that’s between it and God.” At press time, sources confirmed Southern governors had taken steps to ensure all mosques would be closed indefinitely.
Jared Kushner Says States Should Have Planned Ahead Before Joining The Union #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference to address the growing Covid-19 pandemic, White House senior advisor Jared Kushner admonished resource-stricken states this week that they should have shown some foresight and planned ahead before joining the Union. “To any governors coming to me and saying the White House hasn’t given them what they need, I would urge them to ask why they didn’t consider these possibilities centuries ago when they first joined together into a federal republic?” said Kushner, singling out Texas’ governor in particular and questioning why the Lone Star state didn’t simply start stockpiling their own ventilators or face masks back in 1884 when they allowed the United States to annex them from Mexico.””Some of you, like Massachusetts or Virginia, have actually had several hundred years with the knowledge that our Constitution grants significant independence in resource allocation to individual states. Frankly, you could have decided way back in 1776 that this setup wasn’t for you. Instead, you impulsively formed a unified nation without even considering the consequences. I’m sorry if I don’t sympathize here.” Kushner stressed that he was tired of hearing excuses from states that didn’t begin building a respirator cache in the 18th century because they were busy with westward expansion or that modern germ theory simply had not yet been developed.
Review: ‘Resident Evil 3’ Remaster Makes Game Even Scarier By Replacing The Nemesis With Romanian Dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu #~# When Capcom announced they would be continuing their series of blockbuster remasters, gamers got pumped to finally jump back into the shoes of S.T.A.R.S Member Jill Valentine in her daring escape from Raccoon City. But what fans were most excited about is how the developers would handle redesigning the Nemesis, an unforgettable enemy who already ratcheted tension levels up to 11 in the original. Well, we’re happy to reveal that Resident Evil 3 not only delivers on those sky-high expectations, but actually makes the game even more terrifying by replacing the Nemesis with brutal Romanian Dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu.
11 Dogs So Perfect They’ll Make You Google Your State’s Bestiality Laws #~# This is Petey, a 6-year-old chocolate lab. One look at this adorable sweetheart and you’ll immediately whip open Chrome and Google “maximum prison penalty for having sex w/ dog.”
Spotify Launches App For Children #~# Spotify announced a new kid-friendly app featuring over 8,000 songs, bedtime stories, lullabies, soundscapes, and themed playlists including country, Motown, Christian, and soul music. What do you think?
CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FOUR: Host Leslie Price Confronts The Cursed Scratching Within His Walls #~# After four days of self-isolation, the walls inside Leslie Price’s apartment begin to speak to him. But are their incessant dronings that of a plagued beast? Or something not of this realm at all?
Bidet Sales Skyrocket During Coronavirus Pandemic #~# As grocery stores and online retailers struggle to keep toilet paper in stock due to Americans panic-buying paper products, bidet sales have increased up to ten times what they were before the pandemic. What do you think?
‘They’re Doing Something To The Street,’ Reports Nation Staring Out Window #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that they heard some kind of big commotion and decided to check out what was going on, the U.S. populace announced Thursday “They’re doing something to the street” while staring out of their windows. “Whoa, they’ve got a big truck out there and they’re making a hole,” said 327 million Americans who were pressed up against their windows, calling to their coinhabitants to come see all the guys in hard hats and safety vests who had sectioned off the road with traffic cones and were doing “something” with a big pile of rocks. “I wonder what this is for, since it seems like a lot of work. Oh, look, look, a guy just got into the hole, and someone just handed him a tool! Man, that’s crazy.” At press time, after making eye contact with one of the workers on the street, the U.S. populace smiled and gave them a thumbs up.
Check Out This Egg #~# Check it out
BREAKING: This Is A Test Of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System #~# CHICAGO—WARNING WARNING ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT, sources confirmed Thursday that this is a test of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System. Please excuse this interruption from your previously scheduled headlines while The Onion reviews its emergency content protocol. Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom. This is only a test. Doom doom doom. This is not a real article. Doom doom doom. The Onion’s Emergency Headline System is conducting a test. Doom doom doom. The Onion doom doom doom broadcasters in your area doom doom doom in voluntary cooperation doom doom doom with federal, state, and local authorities have doom doom doom developed this system doom doom doom to keep you informed doom doom doom in the event doom doom doom of a headline emergency. Doom doom doom. Several reports indicated that if you have received this article, the test was a success, no further action is required, and you may return to your regularly scheduled content. For further emergency updates, please visit TheOnion.com/latest.
Zoom App Sued For Sharing User Data #~# The videoconferencing service Zoom is at the center of a class-action lawsuit filed this week alleging the company handed over personal information to Facebook without notifying users, while tech news sites also report the app may not be as secure as it claims. What do you think?
‘The Onion’ Glossary To Coronavirus Pandemic Terms #~# As the coronavirus continues to spread, The Onion, like other leading media outlets, is utilizing many terms that our uneducated readers have likely never heard before. In order to make our coronavirus content more understandable to the rabble, The Onion presents a glossary to common coronavirus pandemic terms.
Careless Imprisoned Migrants Showing Zero Respect For Social-Distancing Rules #~# EL PASO, TX—Revealing a total disregard for the recommendations of the Centers for Disease Control, a photograph leaked Wednesday shows imprisoned migrants in a U.S. detention facility completely ignoring the social-distancing guidelines experts agree are necessary to contain Covid-19. “It’s like they’re not even trying to keep 6 feet apart,” said Laura Britton, a local accountant and mother of three, who viewed the photo of several dozen detainees crowded together in a small cell and expressed frustration that the self-isolation efforts her family had undertaken would be “all for nothing” if so many others broke the rules. “We’re gonna have to quarantine even longer because of unbelievably selfish people like this. There’s eight of them sharing one bed, and not to be rude, but a lot of them look like they haven’t washed their hands in a long time. Some look really young, too, and while they may not be showing symptoms, they could still spread the disease to more vulnerable people. Seriously, where are those kids’ parents?” At press time, Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced it would begin strict enforcement of the CDC’s social-distancing guidelines by moving each of the migrants into solitary confinement.
CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY THREE: Scientists No Closer To Understanding How Pressing Buzzer Unlocks Apartment Door #~# Even while being quarantined in his home for the past 72 hours, Topical host Leslie Price still finds a way to deliver groundbreaking investigative journalism. In this in-depth OPR report, Price searches for answers to the questions other podcasts are too afraid to ask, like does the buzzing unlock the door? Or is it just a signal that the door is unlocked?
Trojan Introduces New Anti-Anxiety Weighted Condoms #~# EWING, NJ—Touting the physical as well as mental benefits of their latest, innovative design, officials from the sexual health brand Trojan announced Wednesday a new line of anti-anxiety weighted condoms. “Take the time to destress your genitals with our new 15-pound, 20-pound, and 25-pound weighted condoms,” said CEO Matthew Farrell, explaining the soft material was filled with dense plastic pellets that applied a heavy weight to the wearer’s penis in order to instantly soothe them. “Many of our customers have shared they experience anxiety before and during sex. Research has shown Trojan weighted condoms not only fight stress but can improve your focus and increase the quality of your sex. Plus, each condom features a premium micro-fleece reservoir, which reduces anxiety while catching semen. Your penis stays cozy, and it feels like you’re being held by your mother.” At press time, Farrell reminded consumers they should never double up on weighted condoms.
Pandemic Lockdowns Improve Air Quality Worldwide #~# As global industry slows and people isolate to prevent the spread of coronavirus, scientists say air pollution and carbon emissions have dropped significantly, with levels of gases like nitrogen dioxide falling nearly 30% in some areas. What do you think?
Study Finds Most Restaurants Fail Within First Year Of It Becoming Illegal To Go To Them #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Calling bankruptcy an “unfortunate reality” for many current small business owners, a new study published Wednesday by Ohio State University found that most restaurants fail within the first year of it becoming illegal to go to them. “It may sound harsh, but our research found that over 90% of restaurants close just a few months after being declared a high-risk environment where people are no longer allowed to frequent or dine,” said lead researcher Professor Cara Coleman, adding that while many bistros, cafes, and fine dining establishments may seem financially stable at first, they almost always run out of money once the authorities step in and make it physically impossible for staff to work, or for most of their customer base to purchase anything from their kitchen. “Unfortunately, it’s an extremely tough business, and the profit margin from food sales is almost never enough to withstand several months of a city’s residents being confined to their homes, no longer allowed to work, eat out, or travel. The reality is, no matter how good your food is, that first time someone gets arrested or slapped with a $10,000 fine for trying to eat at your establishment can destroy you.” At press time, Coleman advised restaurant owners to raise at least $10 million to $15 million in additional funding if they wanted to survive the next year.
Anthropologists Who Discovered Existence Of Goblins Just Going To Let Coronavirus Thing Die Down Before Making Announcement #~# MONTIGNAC, FRANCE—Stressing that they had been as astonished as anyone to learn the hideous creatures actually lived and congregated in the real world, a team of anthropologists from Oxford University who discovered the existence of goblins reportedly decided this week to just let the coronavirus thing die down before making their announcement. “Frankly, we assumed that goblins were creations of pure fantasy and I would have dismissed any evidence of them outright had my entire team not seen and verified their reality with their own eyes, which is why we’re just going to sit on this until the whole pandemic fiasco goes away,” said lead researcher Dr. Arthur Worcester, who indicated that he had been dumbstruck after stumbling onto hundreds of tiny enchanted hammers and golden trinkets during a routine excavation of the Lascaux cave complex before witnessing the fanged, cape-wearing beings gathering in a stone hollow for some sort of mischievous festivities, but that none of this changed the core fact that there were more pressing issues for most people. “We also found dozens of perfectly intact skeletons that appear to be preserved through some sort of goblin magic. All of this would confirm centuries of folktales and legends about these monstrous tricksters in a way that could frankly transform how humanity understands the physical world. I mean, Jesus Christ—goblins. Honestly, the fact that I have a few of them locked up in a cage in my office alone would probably make me one of the most influential scientists in human history. But we want this to get the airtime it deserves, and there’s this whole Covid-19 problem, so...I guess, we’ll just wait? Honestly, what else do you do here?” At press time, Worcester had advised his team that they could try submitting a few of the photographs of the goblins performing sorcery this summer to Nature or Science, but that he doubted they would gain any real traction given the current state of things.
Video Games Are Officially Art! Andres Serrano Just Submerged A Copy Of ‘Super Mario Odyssey’ In A Jar Of Piss #~# Well, well, well. Looks like all the mainstream haters out there are about to see the error of their ways. That’s right, gamers, everyone who ever doubted that video games can be art is about to eat a slice of humble pie, because American artist Andres Serrano just submerged a copy of Super Mario Odyssey in a jar of piss for his latest work, Platform (2020), and video games are officially an art form!
Avid Sports Bettor Forced To Gamble On Stock Market Like Real Degenerate #~# ALLENTOWN, PA—Worried that what was once a manageable vice had fallen into uncontrolled depravity, avid sports bettor Evan Laramie revealed Wednesday that he had been forced to gamble on the stock market like a real degenerate. “It’s one thing to lose three grand on an NBA parlay, but I never thought I’d have to wager on medical research companies and computer chip manufacturers to get my fix. I always thought those people were sick,” said Laramie, adding that ever since he’d fallen into this dark underworld, he has taken pains to hide his stock portfolio from his wife so she wouldn’t stage an intervention. “The rush I get from seeing the Dow Jones up 4% is unbelievable. Man, I really need baseball to come back so I can break out of this downward spiral. I almost blew my kid’s college fund buying Tesla stock. What have I been reduced to?” At press time, Laramie was donating $5,000 to his favorite local bookie to help them survive the pandemic.
Rikers Inmates Punished After Guards Catch Them Trying To Make Bootleg Coronavirus Vaccine #~# NEW YORK—On the heels of a report that New York’s jails have an infection rate eight times higher than that of the city at large, sources confirmed Wednesday that officers on Rikers Island have punished numerous inmates for attempting to produce bootleg coronavirus vaccines. “We recently sent multiple convicts to solitary confinement for trying to inoculate themselves with Covid-19 antigens they made in their cell toilets using yeast stolen from the mess hall,” said warden Lou Adamos, who has led a crackdown on the correctional complex’s black market for immunizations, in which items such as cup noodles and cigarettes are traded for contraband cell cultures and test tubes to create vaccines that are then tested on rodents infesting the facility. “Even though having a good vaccine can make you the king of the yard, we hope these punishments will send a message that trying to swipe syringes from the infirmary to run trials on your adjuvants isn’t worth the risk. We’ve also restricted visitation privileges for all inmates suspected of engaging in coronavirus vaccine R&D, as we now know many visitors have smuggled in tools that have been used to build improvised chromatography chambers.” At press time, sources reported that guards on Rikers had become frustrated after the entire prison population became immune thanks to the bootleg vaccine achieving a 100% efficacy rate.
It Instantly Clear Girlfriend Used To Fuck Guy Being Mentioned In Anecdote #~# HAVERFORD, PA—Noticing a marked mid-anecdote shift in tone as well as several meaningfully deliberate pauses, local boyfriend Anton Bridgewater instantly concluded Wednesday that his girlfriend, Leya Ferguson, used to fuck the guy she mentioned while recounting a weekend trip to The Berkshires. “She keeps bringing up this dude but never gets around to actually mentioning his name, so right away I knew something’s up,” said Bridgewater, who refused to be convinced the man in question was, as Ferguson stipulated, “just some townie who kept showing up.” “At one point, she mentioned that they were laying around in bed, but kind of stammered and changed it to ‘We were, you know, all of us, were hanging out in his room.’ And a big part of the story was how she had to call his parents after he got food poisoning, and she said, ‘Judith was extremely upset.’ There’s absolutely no way she’d remember his mom’s name if they weren’t hooking up.” At press time, Ferguson was describing in painstaking detail the cologne “this one dude” was wearing the day they drove back from the trip.
Archaeologists Discover Perfectly Preserved Roman Mosaic Floor #~# Archaeologists working near Verona, Italy have unearthed the foundation of a 3rd century Roman villa containing a pristine mosaic floor filled with complex patterns formed from bright, colorful tiles. What do you think?
‘I Will Not Be Censored,’ Yells Trump Chaining Himself To Phone Displaying Twitter Homepage #~# WASHINGTON—Screaming into a megaphone and threatening to shut down the “biased” social media site once and for all, President Donald Trump reportedly chained himself to a phone displaying Twitter Friday while yelling that he “will not be censored.” “Try as you might, I will not remove these restraints until you take off the chains that you’ve shackled around my God-given freedom of free speech,” said the 45th president of the United States who, after verbally accosting passers by, then proceeded to wrap a thick metal chain around an iPhone, attach a metal lock between the links, and throw away the key. “Today, I dare Jack Dorsey to come down to Twitter HQ, walk out of my phone screen, and face me like a man. Until then, I will place this symbolic duct tape over my mouth, eyes, and nose, and continue to hold Twitter hostage and render it unusable for the entire nation.” At press time, Trump had reportedly urinated into several water bottles, thrown them to the side, and then lit a fire beneath his iPhone while threatening to “burn Twitter and everyone on it to the ground.”
Effects Of Online Public Shaming #~# Public shaming of individuals over minor or major social transgressions has grown into a massive component of internet discourse, with its share of supporters and detractors. The Onion takes a deep dive into the effects of online public shaming.
Adam Silver Shows Solidarity With Players By Inserting Self As Milwaukee Bucks Point Guard #~# NEW YORK—Promising that he would share the risk with players who were putting their health on the line to restart the NBA season, commissioner Adam Silver announced Friday that he is standing in solidarity with players by inserting himself into the Milwaukee Bucks starting five as a point guard. “I know some players are worried that we are rushing back, but I want them to know I’ll be out there on the front lines with players for about 35 minutes per game,” said Silver, explaining that as a leader, he should be just as willing as any employee to risk infection by running the court, playing smothering defense, and bumping chests with teammates. “I need everyone from the superstars to the rookies to know I have their backs, and right now, that means putting the clamps on Kyle Lowry. I’m not just paying lip service to player safety and sacrifice, I’m gonna walk the walk by crashing the boards and setting hard screens. You have my full support, no matter if I’m dishing no-look passes or firing off corner 3s.” At press time, Vegas oddsmakers named the Bucks title favorites after Eric Bledsoe was removed from the starting lineup.
Top 10 Best Cities To Move To Today #~# Blarnard, ND: With the newly built Mayor Anthony Crawford Convention Center drawing top annual shareholder meetings from such companies as Dixon-Doyle, Grayson Injection, and Manx Tech, outsiders are finally starting to discover all that beautiful Blarnard has to offer.
Woman Needs To Shut Up And Allow Man To Be Ally #~# BOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration that she routinely wouldn’t allow him to finish his point without cutting him off, local graphic designer Julian Serra told reporters Friday there were times when his coworker Ericka Lerado really needed to just shut up and let him be an ally to her. “Ericka is great, she really is, but she needs to learn to take a step back so she doesn’t keep getting in my way when I’m trying to support women in the workplace,” said Serra, adding that every time he tried to talk about how professional women had been historically marginalized, Lerado had to pipe up and give everyone her two cents on the subject. “Sometimes I want to shout at her, ‘Hey, listen, I’m here for you! Would you keep your goddamn mouth closed for one second so I can help you?’ I’m one of the few guys in the office who’s in her corner. If she let me get a fucking word in edgewise once in a while, I’d be able to prove it.” At press time, a visibly enraged Serra could be seen balling up his fists after Lerado interrupted his speech about the glass ceiling.
Major Relief: Blizzard Has Announced That ‘Overwatch’ Players Will Be Able To Carry Over Their Unlocked Skins And Emotes Into The Afterlife #~# Fret no more, Overwatch fans. A huge weight has just been lifted off all our shoulders: Blizzard finally announced that players of the popular team-based shooter will be able to carry over all of their unlocked skins and emotes into the afterlife. 
Covid-19 Antibody Tests May Be Wrong 50% Of The Time #~# The CDC announced that antibody tests meant to detect whether a person has been infected with the coronavirus may provide inaccurate results roughly half the time they are administered and should not be used to make policy decisions. What do you think?
NASA Curious How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission That Didn’t Go So Hot #~# All conjecture, of course. Plus, top U.S. health officials announce a coronavirus vaccine is imminent, and would have actually been available weeks ago if people weren’t so hung up on being made sterile by it.
Historic SpaceX Launch Postponed #~# A SpaceX mission to send two NASA astronauts to the International Space Station, which will mark the first time a private enterprise has launched humans into space, has been postponed due to thunderstorms. What do you think?
Man Questions If It Really Necessary For Protesters To Be Black #~# DULUTH, MN—On the heels of massive demonstrations sparked by the police killing of George Floyd, local man Cory Nelson was questioning the necessity of protestors being black, sources confirmed Thursday. “Don’t get me wrong, I understand that they’re upset, but they’re totally undermining their point by insisting on being African American,” said Nelson, noting that there were better ways to achieve goals than resorting to these sorts of ethnicities. “It’s a horrible thing that happened, but continuing to be rampantly black in their own communities isn’t helping anyone.” Nelson went on to add that no matter how upset or angry he got, he would personally never be black. 
Protestors Criticized For Looting Businesses Without Forming Private Equity Firm First #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Calling for a more measured way to express opposition to police brutality, critics slammed demonstrators Thursday for recklessly looting businesses without forming a private equity firm first. “Look, we all have the right to protest, but that doesn’t mean you can just rush in and destroy any business without gathering a group of clandestine investors to purchase it at a severely reduced price and slowly bleed it to death,” said Facebook commenter Amy Mulrain, echoing the sentiments of detractors nationwide who blasted the demonstrators for not hiring a consultant group to take stock of a struggling company’s assets before plundering. “I understand that people are angry, but they shouldn’t just endanger businesses without even a thought to enriching themselves through leveraged buyouts and across-the-board terminations. It’s disgusting to put workers at risk by looting. You do it by chipping away at their health benefits and eventually laying them off. There’s a right way and wrong way to do this.” At press time, critics recommended that protestors hold law enforcement accountable by simply purchasing the Minneapolis police department from taxpayers. 
White House Press Secretary: ‘Trump’s Critics Will Seize On Any Six-Figure Death Toll That Suits Their Narrative’ #~# WASHINGTON—White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany rebuked critics of the president in a briefing Thursday, forcefully arguing that politicians and pundits alike would seize on any six-figure death toll that suits their particular narrative. “What’s clear is that the biased media in this country is willing to draw attention to any mortalities of American citizens over 100,000 as long as it fits in their narrow perception of what’s important,” said McEany in response to a reporter’s question about the administration’s handling of the Covid-19 pandemic before stressing that the president’s supporters would see the death toll for the brazen partisan attack it has always been. “There’s an obvious opportunism at work when the president’s opponents are suddenly up in arms any time tens of thousands American lives are lost. Frankly, was the mainstream media going to accept any number of mass casualties without pouncing on it as an excuse to scrutinize the commander in chief’s decision making? I somehow doubt it.” McEnany went on to emphasize that such biased coverage conveniently ignored the hundreds of millions across the country whom the president’s actions had left alive.
‘Mommy Had To Go To The Hospital Today’ Starts Instagram Chihuahua’s Darkest Post To Date #~# PHOENIX—Assuring followers that she’d be back to giving kisses and belly rubs in no time, Instagram Chihuahua tootsie_the_derp reportedly started his darkest social media post to date Thursday with the caption “mommy had to go to the hospital today.” “Many of you remember how scared mommy was when I ate a sock and had to go into emergency surgery, but today, I’m the one with my tail between my legs,” said the surprisingly emotional 500-word post, which explained to the bug-eyed, toothless dog’s roughly 12,000 followers that it was a very tough time for the “derp pack,” and any and all prayers, “doggy or human,” would be greatly appreciated. “Five years ago, mommy saved me and my twin brother Tito from a shelter in Paradise Valley, and since then, she’s been booping our noses every night before we go to bed to prevent the nightmare fairy from bringing us bad doggie dreams! But last night, Tito and I had to sleep in her bed alone. Mommy, please come home soon. Daddy’s trying his best, but his homemade banana treats just don’t taste the same as yours!” At press time, tootsie_the_derp had posted a follow-up post explaining that all sales from Tootsie’s new line of collars and doggie sweaters would go towards mommy’s medical expenses.
WHO Warns Covid-19 Could Mean End To Blowing Water Through Pool Noodle Into Friends’ Faces #~# GENEVA—In an effort to prepare people for the “new normal” of life under the continuing threat of Covid-19, the World Health Organization issued a warning Thursday indicating the contagion could make blowing water through a pool noodle into your friends’ faces a relic of the past. “The use of a long foam tube to squirt liquid into the eyes, ears, or mouths of an unsuspecting fellow swimmer is, unfortunately, an efficient vehicle for spreading disease, and so we must accept that the novel coronavirus could mark the end of this cherished summertime ritual,” a statement from the agency read in part, clarifying that even if participants were fitted with personal protective equipment and prescreened with infrared thermometers, it was unlikely that blasting your sister’s suntanning friends with pool water would ever again be a safe activity. “While the playful gesture is deeply engrained in our social experience on a global scale, it is difficult to imagine that we will ever again inhabit a world in which we hear a buddy laughingly say, ‘What the fuck, dude?’ while water splashes across his face, or in which we reply ‘Dude, we’re just having a good time, why do you have to be a dick?’ As such, it is essential we begin readying ourselves for a future in which pool noodles are used solely as flotation devices.” The statement went on to indicate WHO was still working on guidelines to determine whether squishing your palms together on the surface of the pool to make a small stream shoot out would suffer a similar fate.
Inspirational ‘Hang In There’ Chalk Message The Thing That Finally Breaks Entire Neighborhood #~# CHICAGO—Sinking into a depth of despair that they had been able to stave off until this point, locals reported Thursday that an inspirational “Hang in there” chalk message written on a sidewalk was the thing that finally broke the entire neighborhood. “Christ, I was actually feeling okay today, then I go out for a walk and I see this bullshit? We really are doomed,” said resident Sandra Tilly, who claimed that the pathetic use of multi-colored chalk and sad single exclamation point did nothing but remind her of how “useless and powerless we all are right now.” “Are a bunch of stars supposed to make me feel happy? To think a grown person actually spent time on this, makes me want to jump off a bridge. Thank you so much for reminding me I’m living in a waking nightmare. If this is the best we can do, we’re completely fucked.” At press time, residents reported feeling a little better after a thunderstorm destroyed a row of children’s “Thank you heroes” signs.
What To Read While Social Distancing #~# Words: More complicated than syllables but less complicated than sentences, words are great for people who are comfortable reading but are still getting their bearings.
Top 9 Black Plague FAILS #~# Better come quick, Doc, these sick people are REALLY burning up!
Mike Tyson Offered $20 Million To Compete In Fight #~# Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship is preparing to offer Mike Tyson over $20 million to come out of retirement for a single match, though the 53-year-old former heavyweight champion has yet to agree. What do you think?
Authorities Receive List Of Demands From Increasingly Hostile Coronavirus #~# Destruction of PPE. Free rein in nursing homes. Mass disposal of all hand sanitizer. These are just a small portion of the demands issued today by the coronavirus that must be fulfilled within the next 24 hours, or else.
Jack Dorsey Assures Twitter Users That Company Having Most Idiotic Possible Internal Conversations About Trump’s Account #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Responding to continued outcry over their handling of the president’s often false and aggressive tweets, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey reportedly assured users Wednesday that the company was having the most idiotic possible internal conversations about Donald Trump’s account. “I understand many of our users are concerned, and I want to be transparent that at Twitter HQ, we’re working around the clock to address this in the least helpful, most inept way possible,” said Dorsey, adding that in cases involving Trump’s Twitter account, questions of free speech, and the spread of misinformation on the platform, the company’s chief concerns all centered around unimaginably puerile bullshit that ignored any real retrospection on any of the platform’s actual issues. “Believe me when I say that our top dimwits are engaged in absolutely fucking moronic discussions about what Trump tweets. Our emails and Slack channels are full of cringingly short-sighted and searingly stupid ideas, because at Twitter we address concerns as thoughtlessly and with as little intelligence as we can. We want our users to understand that no matter what side of this or any issue you fall on, we promise to find a resolution that doesn’t solve anything, exacerbates the problem, and makes everyone mad.” At press time, Dorsey responded to outcry by assuring Twitter users that all of their most idiotic and bafflingly uninformed suggestions were being heard.
Inspiring: CD Projekt Red To Immortalize Programmers Who Died Making ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ As NPCs So They Can Serve CD Projekt Forever #~# Over the last few years, the gaming industry has been rocked by reports of the brutal crunch culture around programming. Thankfully, CD Projekt Red, creators of the Witcher series, stepped up to the plate today to make things right by announcing that all the coders who died in the making of Cyberpunk 2077 will be immortalized as in-game NPCs, where they will be able to continue serving the company forever as faithful employees.
Twitter Refuses To Remove Trump Tweets About Scarborough Conspiracy Theory #~# Twitter confirmed it will not remove President Trump’s tweets regarding a debunked conspiracy theory that TV host Joe Scarborough murdered a woman in 2001, saying the posts do not violate the company’s terms of service despite an open letter from the woman’s widower claiming regular users would be banned for similar tweets. What do you think?
10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors #~# This incredible picture depicts the powerful scissors in all their steadfast, sharp glory.
Woman Knows Current Hardships Just Preparing Her To One Day Give Up Completely #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—Stressing that such ways of thinking helped keep her difficulties in check, local woman Audrey Leonard told reporters Wednesday that all of her current hardships were only preparing her to one day give up completely. “Yeah, things are tough right now, but it’s important to remember that all of the challenges I’m facing are really just getting me ready for some point in the future when I actually hit rock bottom and just decide ‘Fuck it, why am I even trying?’” said Leonard, noting that as much as she stressed out about the combined forces of the pandemic, a strained relationship with her boyfriend, and the overall listless feeling in her life, they could ultimately just been be seen as stepping stones on the way towards a far more debilitating collapse from which she had no hope of recovering. “It’s really just a matter of perspective. After all, if you keep fixating on the little problems, you’ll never be ready for that moment when you finally figure enough’s enough with fighting against all of life’s pressures and frustrations and just let the whole disappointing world steamroll over you.” Leonard added that she had learned these lessons from her great grandmother who used her crushing experience living through the Great Depression and Spanish Flu to entirely give up on living by her early 30s.
Architect Has Amazing Idea For Replacing Freedom Tower If Worst Were To Happen Again #~# NEW YORK—Confident that given the chance he would absolutely blow the memorial committee away with his design, architect Shaun Linger told reporters Wednesday that he has an amazing idea for replacing New York’s Freedom Tower if the worst were to happen again. “I don’t want it to happen, but if tragedy were to strike, I have this beautiful, spiraling skyscraper design that would make people forget the Freedom Tower ever existed,” said Linger, who revealed that, although it would clearly be a disaster, he already has blueprints drawn up that make much better use of the lower Manhattan space and contain sly nods that honor New York’s architectural history. “Whether it’s a plane or a bomb—God forbid, obviously—I’m primed and ready to go for this. It’s just such a great location and the Freedom Tower is kind of blah, you know? But my design is elegant, tasteful, original, and it even contains a really touching tribute that uses a part of the original structure as a memorial. This kind of genius would be wasted on some random lot in Atlanta.” At press time, Linger had reached out about the possibility of collaborating with a local cell from the Haqqani network.
Half Hour Of Constant Rubbing Somehow Fails To Soothe Irritated Eye #~# BALTIMORE—Perplexed by the method’s failure to soothe his discomfort, local man Drew Lindstrom confirmed Wednesday that his eye remained itchy and irritated, even after 30 minutes of constant rubbing. “I’ve been getting in there and really working at it with my knuckle, but if anything, it looks even more bloodshot now,” said the puffy-eyed 24-year-old, wondering aloud how it was possible for the redness and inflammation to have worsened since he began intensely kneading his cornea with an unwashed thumb. “Seriously, I don’t get it. No matter how hard I dig my knuckle into this sucker, it’s still not feeling any better. Maybe I just haven’t gone deep enough yet? I’ll give it 15 more minutes, but my hand’s really starting to cramp.” At press time, reports confirmed the pressure had subsided and Lindstrom was feeling much better after he had finally massaged his eyeball hard enough for it to burst.
Family Increasingly Terrified That Ghost Haunting House Might Be Pedophile #~# LOWELL, MA—Noting the poltergeist had been a little bit too friendly towards their children since they moved in last year, local resident Dean Fischer told reporters Wednesday that his family had become increasingly terrified that the ghost haunting their house might be a pedophile. “At first, it seemed fine, but after a while, we started to suspect that the creepy notes it was leaving on the walls reading ‘I love you’ and ‘Handsome boy’ were not totally normal,” said Fischer, who added that the ghost, which apparently died a grizzly death in 1802, often got defensive and threatened to stab and chop up his wife if they ever got between him and “the boy.” “Yeah, it’s just red flag after red flag. A few weeks ago, we thought he was just a lost, undead spirit trying to make amends for his mistakes in life by giving the kids candy and gifts. But now, it’s pretty clear that this guy is just a sick fucko who stays up all night ‘haunting’ my kids’ bathroom. Believe me: I know what a ghost’s moaning sounds like, and this is definitely sexual.” At press time, Fischer told reporters that he had opted to burn down the house after his children alerted them that the ghost had reportedly hid in a closet and flashed them.
CDC Warns Of Aggressive Rats Scavenging For Food #~# According to the CDC, rats that normally feed on restaurant scraps are struggling to find new food sources as the pandemic keeps businesses locked down, causing the animals to become abnormally aggressive and, in some cases, resort to cannibalism and infanticide. What do you think?
What Are ‘Coronavirus Parties,’ And Why Weren’t We Invited? #~# More cases of Covid-19 are being traced back to the irresponsible trend of ‘corona parties,’ leaving our reporter Kenneth Neeley to wonder why he hasn’t been invited to one yet even though he’s great at parties.
Trump Claims To Have Stopped Taking Hydroxychloroquine #~# In an interview this past Sunday, President Trump claimed he has completed a regimen of hydroxychloroquine, an anti-malarial drug being touted as a possible Covid-19 treatment that researchers say increases the risk of potentially fatal heart arrhythmias in patients. What do you think?
Minneapolis Police Now Requiring Officers To Undergo Ergonomics Training To Better Protect Knees #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Apologizing for a lack of oversight following the death of George Floyd after police officer Derek Chauvin pinned him to the ground, Minneapolis Police Department officials announced Tuesday that they are now requiring all officers to undergo ergonomics training to better protect their knees. “After reviewing video of the incident, we are disturbed by the officer repeatedly placing excessive stress on the knee joint, and will immediately implement stretching protocols to ensure this never happens again,” said a spokesperson for the Minneapolis police, noting that the officer’s actions were completely antithetical to the department’s standards for long-term joint health. “Frankly, the officer could have done permanent damage to his ACL while crushing a suspect’s windpipe like that. If our officers are going to be out in the field kneeing people in the neck over and over again, that’s a repeat-use injury just waiting to happen, and we must address it. We need to ensure all of our officers know how to act in a more dangerous situation where they may be required to lift with their backs.” The Minneapolis Police Department added that normally they would place the involved officer on desk duty, but in this case they didn’t want to risk causing further damage to his knees.
DNC To Streamline Fundraising By Cutting Out Unnecessary Cost Of Campaigns, Candidates #~# WASHINGTON—In a letter to top donors explaining how their contributions would now be spent more efficiently than ever, the Democratic National Committee announced plans Tuesday to streamline its fundraising by completely eliminating the unnecessary costs of campaigns and candidates. “We’re confident that once our party is freed from the burden of putting forth nominees and running expensive campaigns, we’ll finally be able to focus all our efforts on generating as much revenue as possible,” wrote DNC chairman Tom Perez, adding that he hoped an upcoming series of fundraisers to which the letter’s recipients were invited would help pay for even bigger fundraisers down the line. “So just go online, make your donation, and we’ll take it from there. Whether you’re able to give $5 a month or cut us a check for the annual maximum of $35,500, we promise to take that money and put it toward making even more money. We’re confident that with no candidates or platforms to disagree on, Democrats of every stripe will unite to give us the financial support we’ve always wanted. Together, we can do this.” At press time, reports confirmed Perez was threatening to disburse all cash on hand to President Trump’s reelection campaign if donors failed to reach the DNC’s spring fundraising goal.
Top So-Called Expired Items That Are Still Perfectly Good #~# Two pounds of ground beef from the back of the freezer: Or is it flank steak? It’ll be fine once it’s defrosted.
Trump: ‘Even One Death That Makes Me Look Bad Is A Tragedy’ #~# WASHINGTON—Seeking to provide comfort in the face of the coronavirus epidemic, President Donald Trump held a press conference Tuesday, reflecting sadly that even one death that makes him look bad is a tragedy. “Every single loss of human life that can be directly attributed to my actions is one too many,” said Trump, telling reporters that each case of a citizen succumbing to Covid-19 was a singularly devastating event with untold impact on his likeability numbers. “There are simply no words to express how truly horrible it is that I could be blamed for these casualties. It’s very sad and hard to imagine what I’ve been going through. Each of these departed Americans leaves behind family and friends, and it is deeply upsetting to think that they could claim I was responsible.” Trump closed his remarks by urging the nation to come together in finding a different scapegoat to pin this all on. 
8 People Having A Way Better Day Than You, Although Perhaps It Is Reckless To Make A Snap Judgement About Another Person’s Life Based Solely On An Image #~# Kicking back on the couch sure beats a day at the office! Perhaps, though, that’s just you projecting your own views and desires on this individual. If you actually delved deeper you might not be so eager to take on the bleak and growing distance between this man and his family and the haunting sense of regret that he never took any chances in his life.
Heavenly Sources Confirm Jesus Christ Will Transfer To Iowa State University After Getting Grades Up #~# The once-academically troubled son of God was finally able to get his GPA up during this past semester at Western Iowa Tech Community College. We’ve got the latest on the next chapter of the messiah’s ongoing education.
CDC Issues Safety Guidelines For Pools, Water Parks, Hot Tubs #~# The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have released new guidelines for public pools and aquatic centers set to reopen this summer, urging employees and guests to wear masks and maintain social distancing both in and out of the water. What do you think?
Man Always Self-Sabotaging By Working To The Best Of His Ability #~# CENTENNIAL, CO—Explaining how he frequently went against his own interests by trying as hard as he could, sources close to local database developer Patrick Ryan confirmed Monday that he was always self-sabotaging by working to the best of his ability. “Pat has so much potential, but he keeps kneecapping himself by putting his heart and soul into everything he does,” said Tala Simmons, Ryan’s coworker at Bridgemeyer Marketing Services, who described how the man had continually sullied his reputation among their supervisors by attempting to do his job thoroughly and conscientiously. “It’s hard to watch Pat holding himself back by pouring his every last ounce of his talent into projects. It’s not just at the office, either: The guy has a family, and he keeps fucking things up at home by setting a high standard for himself and making a commitment to uphold it. I don’t know what kind of world he thinks he’s living in, but he’s really setting himself up for failure.” Sources went on to report that Patrick’s brother Lawrence, on the contrary, was absolutely thriving in both his career and personal life by not giving a shit.
The 9 Most SCANDALOUS Rihanna Photos #~# Rihanna flaunts a sexy, barely-there look to the Battleship premiere. Somebody cover her up!
Complete Bullshit: Designers Of This Online Shooter Made It So This Guy Died Even Though He Totally Ducked #~# Now here’s an example of developers who aren’t doing their jobs. Riot Games, the publisher behind the upcoming 5v5 shooter Valorant, apparently designed it so that beta user Kyle Evans died even though he totally ducked. 
Military Announces $2 Million Research Initiative To Find Out How Mother Of 3 Kathy Summers Able To Do It All #~# Department of Defense officials believe the mother’s impressive ability to care for her three energetic children and husband Landon while still carving out enough me-time to keep from pulling her hair out could have countless applications in the U.S. army.
How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing #~# Spend the months and years leading up to quarantine being a caring and genuinely interesting enough person that spending a few months apart doesn’t make everyone forget that you exist. 
Lori Loughlin, Mossimo Giannulli Plead Guilty In College Admissions Scandal #~# Actress Lori Loughlin and her husband, fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli, will plead guilty to conspiracy charges for their role in the 2019 college admissions scandal, with the couple facing between two to five months in jail and nearly $300,000 in fines between them. What do you think?
Governor Upset Barber Would Be So Reckless As To Get Near Ben Roethlisberger #~# PITTSBURGH—Referring to the decision to open his doors to the Steeler quarterback as “brash and wrongheaded,” Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf told reporters Friday that he was upset at a local barber for being so reckless as to get near Ben Roethlisberger. “I’m angry that some people in Pennsylvania still don’t understand the perilous risks involved in meeting Roethlisberger in private,” said Wolf, who recommended against being within 6 feet of the quarterback without wearing protective equipment. “We still haven’t approved Pittsburgh residents to be this close to Ben, and it’s simply unacceptable to skirt state guidelines like this. There are major consequences associated with being exposed to this man. I hope I’m making myself very clear when I say Roethlisberger is a threat to everyone no matter your age group or health.” At press time, Wolf took to social media to recount the story of a woman who ended up in the hospital just minutes after being in Roethlisberger’s presence. 
Xi Jinping Warns Of Second Coronavirus Wave Likely To Disappear Thousands Of Hong Kong Residents #~# BEIJING—In an effort to prepare Chinese citizens for the ongoing pandemic, President Xi Jinping struck a dour note Friday, warning that a second wave of coronavirus had the potential to disappear thousands of Hong Kong residents. “If Coronavirus cases begin to spike again, we all have to be ready for a tragic reality in which literally thousands of Hongkongers could completely vanish off the map without a trace,” said Xi Jinping, urging citizens to do their part by refraining from high-risk activities such as protesting outdoors or engaging in mass demonstrations of any kind. “We know that certain communities, such as journalists and human rights activists, will be particularly vulnerable in this second wave, but it’s unfortunately a possibility for anyone living in Hong Kong. And while we expect the complete obliteration of a person’s former identity to primarily affect adults, we know that there could be mysterious disappearances of children as young as 12.” Xi Jinping went on to recommend that Hong Kong residents do their part to defend against the second wave of coronavirus by swearing absolute fealty to the Chinese government.
11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining #~# While the days grow increasingly tedious and mind-numbing, The Onion’s team of underpaid mixologists have crafted 11 perfect drinks to help you survive social distancing.
A True Miracle: This Woman Just Gave Birth To A Nintendo Switch #~# Prepare yourselves for some astonishing news, gamers! A biological phenomenon previously dismissed as impossible has finally occurred, transforming our fundamental understanding of science and human physiology for generations to come. Early this Friday morning, 28-year-old Sarah Holder was blessed by miraculously giving birth to an operational Nintendo Switch!
What To Know About The Flooding In Michigan #~# Heavy rainfalls led to the failure of two dams around Midland, Michigan, leading to mass evacuations and complicating the state’s handling of the coronavirus pandemic. The Onion answers the most important questions about the flooding in Michigan.
Judge Rules Salvage Company Can Cut Into Titanic Wreck #~# An underwater salvage firm has been granted permission to cut into the Titanic to remove the ship’s telegraph machine, though several groups including the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration argue the wreckage is a grave site and should not be disturbed. What do you think?
Quarantine Leading To More People Taking In Foster Gimps #~# In these trying times where social isolation is the norm, companionship has become a top priority for many Americans. Which is why it’s no surprise more rescue subs than ever before are now finding their forever dungeon.
10 Things That Will Make You SUPER Nostalgic For The ’90s #~# Rwandan genocide: OMG, this takes us WAY back. Way back to the ’90s, that is!
Raspberry Self-Conscious About Amount Of Body Hair #~# ABERDEEN, MS—Expressing feelings of insecurity over her appearance, an organic raspberry revealed Thursday that she was incredibly self-conscious about her amount of body hair. “I know it says more about society than it does about me, but I still feel pretty bad about all this fuzz,” said the raspberry, admitting that it was difficult to maintain self-esteem and confidence when she could notice people recoiling at the sight of her hair. “I’ve tried to get rid of it, but it always grows back even more patchy and coarse than before. It’s just hard to look at my peers and not feel inferior—blueberries have such smooth skin. I’ve heard the other berries talking shit, calling me the ‘hirsute fruit.’ God, sometimes I hope I get tossed into a blender and chopped up for a smoothie.” At press time, the visibly depressed raspberry cursed her Greek origins for her tragic predicament. 
Frustrated CEO Admits Pfizer Discovered Coronavirus Vaccine Months Ago But Still Can’t Agree On Ad Campaign #~# NEW YORK—Declaring that he was worried about their progress and afraid that time was running out, frustrated Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla reportedly admitted Thursday that the company discovered a coronavirus vaccine months ago but still can’t agree on an ad campaign. “The vaccine was pretty simple, actually, and it’s all set to go, but the more research we do, the more it seems like an exciting, profitable marketing effort is beyond our reach,” said Bourla, adding that advertising slogans for the vaccine, which protects against Covid-19 in all cases, were having almost no effect on focus groups, and that Pfizer was still potentially months away from finding a mascot. “Coronavirus is incredibly devastating, which is why we have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to get all the ad copy and promotional materials right. We want our vaccine campaign to strike the right tone—serious, but not too serious, maybe something like Bud Light did with ‘dilly dilly,’ some kind of catchphrase that everyone across the country will quickly remember. We know how badly people want a coronavirus vaccine, which is why we need to pull out all the stops to make it as memorable and entertaining for consumers as possible. It’s just unfortunate when an advertising campaign isn’t as easy as finding the cure.” Bourla added that Pfizer’s main worry was unveiling their coronavirus vaccine ad campaign before Johnson & Johnson or GlaxoSmithKline debuted their marketing. 
Coronavirus Forces Ford Plants To Temporarily Close Days After Reopening #~# Two Ford plants were briefly closed Wednesday after employees tested positive for Covid-19 just two days after production resumed following a two-month shutdown due to the pandemic, highlighting how the virus could impede a return to normal operations. What do you think?
Marriott CEO Tells Investors He’s Had A Good First Quarter In Terms Of His Personal Life #~# BETHESDA, MA—Addressing investors in a tense early morning teleconference call, Marriott International CEO Arne Sorenson reportedly told investors Thursday that he’s had a pretty good first quarter just in terms of his personal life. “Yeah, skipping past some of the financials for a second, I think it’s worthwhile to mention I went to Aruba, which was cool—oh, and I started this really great yoga routine my wife introduced me to that’s made me feel really centered during the day,” said Sorenson, pushing past a 22.5% decline in revenue per available room to highlight that, just on an individual level, he was proud to announce that his daughter had to write an essay about her personal hero for an English class and actually decided to use him as a subject. “Obviously, we took a pretty big hit both domestically and abroad, but I just feel centered and much happier, so that’s something, right? Plus, I’ve been using a smoker I got for my birthday. Have any of you ever tried smoking a whole rack of ribs yourself? It’s really nice to just sit out there and tend the fire. Kind of primal in a nice way, if that makes sense.” At press time, Sorenson had responded to a question about ballooning costs and nosediving revenue by describing the benefits of some of the meditation apps he had recently been toying around with.
NFL Reminds Black Coaches They’ll Get Their Chance Once League Runs Out Of Grudens And Shanahans #~# NEW YORK—Promising the frustrated applicants that a job for them should open up any year now, the NFL reminded black coaches Thursday that they will get their chance as soon as the league runs out of Grudens and Shanahans. “We take diversity seriously, and we want black coaches to know they will get a fair shot once we get through the remaining four or five Grudens,” said commissioner Roger Goodell, who addressed concerns over the lack of black coaches hired recently by assuring them that they just need to be patient, pay their dues, and wait to see if any Mannings want a shot at a head coaching job. “I know that there are some great black coaches who will be at the top of any team’s list, just as long as there are not any more Harbaughs floating around out there, because they would obviously get hired in a heartbeat. And also, those LaFleurs are coming on pretty strong, so after that, but then I promise you will be good. You’ll be ahead of any more Ryans, that’s for sure.” Goodell did warn that if any Gronkowskis ever wanted to coach it could set back black applicants’ chances by 50 years.
FiveThirtyEight Releases New Analytics Model Predicting Who Coronavirus Will Vote For #~# NEW YORK—In an attempt to keep its readers apprised of the infectious disease’s likely voting preferences, the data journalism website FiveThirtyEight unveiled a new analytics model Thursday that will attempt to predict who the coronavirus will support for president in November. “The question of which candidate this deadly global pandemic will vote for in the general election is what’s on everyone’s mind right now, and so we’re proud to announce the launch of FiveThirtyEight-19, a unique and highly sophisticated Covid-19 vote forecasting tool,” said editor-in-chief Nate Silver, explaining the interactive feature would employ a complex linear regression analysis to discern, with up to 99.2% accuracy, whether the acute respiratory disease will cast its ballot for incumbent Donald Trump or challenger Joe Biden. “This module will provide ongoing, real-time predictions based on the latest polling of the virus, which could be a decisive factor in the election, with the issues it raises influencing policy for the next four years and beyond. Of course, even a careful, data-driven approach has its limitations, especially since the coronavirus is among those low-information voters who lack clear political convictions and may not make up their minds until they enter the voting booth. But by using 17 different variables to profile the virus, we believe we can estimate its presidential pick as well as its down-ballot selections with a modest degree of certainty.” At press time, reports confirmed the FiveThirtyEight team was scrambling to come up with a new model after learning the coronavirus had mutated yet again.
Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande Deny Claim They Bought No. 1 Billboard Spot #~# Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine accused Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande of using fraudulent means to bump their duet “Stuck With U” to number one on the Billboard Hot 100 ahead of his song “Gooba,” a claim both the artists and magazine deny. What do you think?
10 Wyobraźni Co My Gwarantujemy Przyniesie Uśmiech na Twej Twarzy #~# Kogo obchodzi ile masz lat? Ten facet wie że jesteś taki młody jak się czujesz.
Warm Weather Compels Concept Of ‘Bikini Bod’ To Slither Forward From Poisoned Subconscious #~# CHICAGO—The onset of warm weather reportedly compelled the buried concept of “bikini bod” to slither Thursday from the poisoned subconscious of local woman Maura Kingston, wriggling through dense toxic thoughts toward the light. Several reports indicated that “visible abs, glistening skin, and thigh gaps,” crawled out of the darkest corners of Kingston’s psyche and screeched a warning that fruit actually contains a lot of carbohydrates. Sources confirmed that the rising temperatures offered the phrase succor from the endless murkiness to which it had been banished the prior autumn. The expression “smoking hot” reportedly hissed with glee while frantically writhing across Kingston’s mind as its thousand toothless mouths shrieked cacophonous pleas for sculpted muscles. At press time, sources confirmed that the parasitic horror was oozing with notions of a tanned stomach and toned, hairless arms while feasting on the remains of Kingston’s self-acceptance. 
Benadryl Introduces New Controlled Coma Pills To Sedate Users For Entirety Of Allergy Season #~# Following today’s FDA approval for over-the-counter use, Benadryl’s new Sedate Plus could soon be alleviating your symptoms by forcing you into a deep state of unconsciousness for six months of allergy season.
All 50 States Unveil Plans To Ease Coronavirus Restrictions By Memorial Day #~# As Memorial Day approaches, every state in the Union has introduced steps to lift some of the safety orders put in place to reduce the spread of Covid-19, though health officials warn increased activity could spur a spike in new cases. What do you think?
Trump Orders CDC To Research His Investment Portfolio For Potential Coronavirus Cures #~# WASHINGTON—On the heels of touting the anti-malaria drug hydroxychloroquine for treating Covid-19, President Donald Trump issued orders to the CDC Wednesday, urging the agency to conduct extensive research into his investment portfolio to find more potential cures for the novel coronavirus. “Look, there’s all sorts of stuff in here that could help with the disease as far we know, so let’s start giving people some luxury spa treatments and see what happens,” said Trump, demanding that the country’s leading public health institute conduct clinical studies to see if an hour or two a day on a Floridian golf course could significantly reduce the need for a respirator. “Even just a couple of studies showing that Pepsi or Microsoft products can help neutralize the spread of the virus would be really amazing. Remember, people are dying, so we need everyone working around the clock to make sure that none of my financial interests are overlooked.” Trump added that in order to expedite the process, all further study would occur at the CDC’s new state-of-the-art facilities at the Trump International Hotel. 
Nation’s Politicians, Law Enforcement, Corporate Executives Marvel At Futuristic Utopia They’re Living In #~# NEW YORK—Expressing disbelief that they were so fortunate to experience a true golden age of prosperity and technological wonder, the nation’s politicians, law enforcement officers, and executives marveled Wednesday at the futuristic utopia they get to live in. “To think that I have all this at my fingertips, whether it’s automated high-volume stock trading or unlimited surveillance footage of my employees, it’s like something out of a science fiction paradise,” said pharmaceutical executive Ron Pollard, who claimed previous generations of police officers, elected officials, and business leaders could never comprehend the world of unlimited possibilities that has been created for them, where they are free to do whatever they want all the time. “Walking through these plants staffed entirely by hyper-efficient robots, facial recognition cameras, maybe even luxury space travel, it’s almost like I’m living in a dream. There’s massive unemployment, and yet the stock market is surging. We’ve finally achieved a perfect society. It’s simply breathtaking to watch law enforcement arresting citizens for just going about their daily lives. Corporate lobbyists write up laws that only benefit the wealthy and elite. It’s like a never-ending dream. If Rockefeller or Henry Frick could see this sublime world, they would weep with joy. I don’t even need to employ a servant anymore when gig workers, that I can summon with the touch of a button, can do so much more at fraction of the cost.” Pollard added that with the rapid advancements of the past few decades he expected his children would inherit a world that, for them, would be even more unrestrained and full of possibilities.
Pros And Cons Of Voting By Mail #~# Long-term social isolation plans due to the coronavirus pandemic have shined the spotlight on voting by mail for the remaining primaries and even the November elections, a process that is already used in some states but has its share of critics. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of voting by mail.
Report: 0.004% Of Carbon Pollution Caused By Manufacturing Of ‘Mars Needs Moms’ Promotional Apparel #~# NEW YORK—Directly linking a small but measurable amount of environmental damage to the production of the animated feature’s promotional clothing, an Environmental Defense Fund report released Wednesday revealed that 0.004% of carbon pollution worldwide resulted from the manufacturing of apparel for the film Mars Needs Moms. “Our research clearly demonstrates that the creation of printed sweatshirts featuring the logo from the 2011 Disney film resulted in the release of more than 144 million tons of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere and brought us one infinitesimal step closer to the brink of an irreversible climate crisis that will end life on earth as we know it,” the report read in part, noting also that the energy used in fabricating Mars Needs Moms garments for an IMAX promotional sweepstakes contributed to a 0.027% decrease in rainfall in the Amazonian rainforest and a sea-level rise of 0.00009 millimeters, together constituting an incremental but real setback in the fight against climate change. “After accounting for the harvesting of raw materials, dying the fabric, and transportation of the finished product, Mars Needs Moms-branded clothing marginally contributed towards the extinction of critically endangered species such as the hawksbill turtle, the Javan rhino, and the Sumatran elephant. It could be argued that producer Robert Zemeckis is one of the great minor villains of global warming, since were this film never made, we would be in an ever so slightly better position to preserve our environment.” The report concluded that the manufacturing of promotional apparel for Mars Needs Moms could be the worst fractional climate disaster of its kind, surpassed only by the release of toys commemorating the 2004 CGI adaptation of Curious George.
The 10 Worst Bar Mitzvahs #~# July 20, 1991, Newton, MA: Attendees called Daniel Guterman’s ceremony “just plain embarrassing” for his entire family and “a colossal waste of time.”
Good News, ‘Final Fantasy’ Fans: Looks Like They Made A Bunch Of Those Things #~# If you were among the millions of PlayStation 4 users who flocked to check out the Final Fantasy VII Remake, it’s natural that you were left yearning for a different chance to enjoy Square Enix’s incredible knack for storytelling flourishes and engrossing gameplay. Well, good news, Final Fantasy fans! It looks like they made a bunch of those things.
Conversation-Starved Man Finally Treating Bumping Into Coworker As Exquisite Treasure It Truly Is #~# CHICAGO—A deep appreciation dawning upon him as he came to understand the sheer wonder radiated by such a rare occurrence, conversation-starved man Ryan Kennedy reportedly finally treated bumping into his coworker as the exquisite treasure it is, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Oh, hey, Eric! Great to see you,” said the newly enlightened man after spotting his office mate during a routine trip out to the corner store, nodding in deep gratitude as he uncovered the fine-hewn jewel of experience that lay—and, indeed, has always lain—beneath a chance encounter with a work colleague, before going on to ply his fellow worker with innumerable questions as an attempt to draw out each and every ounce of the irreplaceable joy, surprise, and astonishment he could derive from such pleasantries and small talk. “What are you picking up? Oh, how about that. I needed some milk, too. Hey, talk to you later!” At press time, Kennedy’s coworker had made a light remark that he would “see him around in cyberspace,” a slight quip that he would have found insufferable otherwise but which now caused him to weep at its pure simplicity and beauty.
Notre Dame To Reopen Campus For Fall Semester #~# One of the first major universities to outline plans to reopen campus following nationwide closures, Notre Dame announced its fall semester will start early and end by Thanksgiving, which administrators hope will minimize travel and reduce the likelihood of transmitting the coronavirus on campus. What do you think?
Study Finds ‘Auld Lang Syne’ Good Enough Song To Be Belted Out On Other Occasions, Too #~# ATLANTA—Revealing that the Scottish standard was surprisingly versatile, the music department of Emory University published a new study Tuesday finding that Auld Lang Syne was a good enough song to be belted out on occasions other than New Year’s Eve. “According to our data, Auld Lang Syne sounds just as great at birthday parties and holidays such as a Thanksgiving or Halloween are a great time to throw your arms around loved ones and sing the festive tune,” said head researcher Martin Sean Hayes, who spearheaded the eight-year, multi-million-dollar study that asked participants worldwide to sing the song in unison at baptisms, high school graduations, and funerals. “Whether during a quinceanera celebration, a St. Patrick’s Day parade, or an Easter egg hunt, you really can’t go wrong with this classic. Time and time again, we found that grabbing hold of your dearest friends and belting out ‘Should old acquaintance be forgot’ produced a spike in endorphins among participants. You could even just mutter it to yourself while walking around the neighborhood. Test it out, you’ll feel great.” In a related report, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania published a study finding Happy Birthday is more than worthy of being enjoyed year-round. 
U.S. To Combat Growing Disillusionment By Playing New National Pump-Up Anthem Throughout Country #~# The growing coronavirus death toll paired with weeks of social isolation is damaging the nation’s morale, but that all might be about to change. Hear how the U.S. plans to combat our collective sense of dread by blaring a brand-new national pump-up anthem at full volume across the country.
Trump Says He Taking Hydroxychloroquine #~# President Trump told reporters he has been taking hydroxychloroquine for two weeks to prevent Covid-19, flouting its unproven nature and FDA warnings about its use outside of a hospital setting due to the risk of serious heart problems. What do you think?
Growing Drug Tolerance Drives Trump To Buy Black-Tar Hydroxychloroquine Off Dealer In D.C. Metro Station #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the 800 mg tablets he’s been crushing up and snorting were no longer doing the trick, President Donald Trump was reportedly driven to buy black-tar hydroxychloroquine off a drug dealer in a D.C. metro station Tuesday due to his growing tolerance for the prescription medicine. “Come on, Randy, man, don’t give me those baby hydroxies—I need that pure shit,” said the pallid, twitching commander in chief as he frantically scratched at his rash-covered body, begging the peddler to sell him some of the sticky, highly concentrated form of the anti-malarial medication in a dark corner of D.C.’s McPherson Square Metro Station. “I went through 30 or 40 pills this morning and I’m not even having any heart palpitations or dizziness. The stuff is like baby aspirin. Come on, man, I’ve maxed out all my prescriptions and I’m fuckin’ jonesin’ for a big hit of that sweet Roxy. I can handle it, I swear.” At press time, the drug dealer had knocked President Trump unconscious and thrown his body on the train tracks.
Amazon Institutes New ‘Hero Tax’ Charging Essential Workers Additional $2 Per Hour For Honor Of Bravely Performing Job #~# SEATTLE—Calling it a “beautiful tribute” to the men and women who put their lives on the line every single day, Amazon instituted a new “hero tax” Tuesday, charging essential workers an additional $2 per hour for the honor of bravely performing their jobs. “Starting today, each and every hard-working, essential warehouse worker will receive a revised paycheck, which will include a small, complimentary deduction from Amazon for generously giving them this opportunity,” said company spokesperson Janice Fischer, adding that they could not be more proud of workers for making these vital monetary sacrifices during this challenging time. “In the last several weeks, we’ve seen thousands of employees called ‘brave, selfless heroes’ over and over again, and we here at Amazon want to remind them that respect like that doesn’t just come for free. It is a great privilege for employees to risk their health and well-being. That’s why, should any of our workers fall ill on the job, we’ll be deducting their entire paycheck.” At press time, Amazon announced they had opted to make their generous “hero tax” permanent. 
‘This Is A Crazy Time, And It’s Okay If You’re Scared’ Says Man Burying Gagged Prisoner Alive #~# BUCKHORN, CA—Telling the visibly fearful man that his emotions were both valid and entirely understandable, local 32-year-old Kevin Stewart reportedly observed that it was a crazy time and okay to be scared as he spoke Tuesday to the bound and gagged prisoner he was burying alive in the remote wilderness. “Listen, I can tell you’re dealing with some pretty difficult anxiety, and I just want to let you know that’s totally normal under the circumstances,” Stewart said as he pushed his victim into a hastily dug trench at the bottom of a ravine and began shoveling dirt over the bloody, incapacitated, but still very much conscious man below. “Give yourself a little credit: Right now, all you can do is focus on surviving, and you’re doing the best you can. Neither you nor anyone you know has lived through something like this before, and that uncertainty is bound to translate into feelings of despair. Believe me, I’m a little stressed out by this whole situation, too.” At press time, with the layers of dirt beginning to accumulate atop the man’s head, Stewart told his prisoner that if he just took a few deep breaths, then it would only be a matter of time before his panic subsided completely.
High Production Values Most Suspicious Part Of Conspiracy Theory Video #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Noting that something just simply didn’t add up, local man Lucas Miller confirmed Tuesday that the most suspicious aspect of the conspiracy theory video he was watching was the high production values. “I admit I have my questions about what they’re hiding in the tunnels below the Denver Airport, but really, what I most want to get to the bottom of is how this YouTuber put something together with professional-grade sound and lighting,” said Miller, noting that the editing and even the graphics were so crisp and precise that they wouldn’t look out of place on a television network. “The longer I watched, the more my mind began racing: Where did he get all this equipment? Did he go to film school? How many people are involved in this production, and why? Why? What would they have to gain?” At press time, an agitated Miller had decided to follow the money.
10 Songs You Didn’t Know Were Written About Celebrities #~# “You Oughta Know” – Alanis Morissette (1995): While speculation has persisted for years regarding just whom Morissette was addressing in this timeless cut off the celebrated ’90s album Jagged Little Pill, the songwriter herself recently admitted what many had long suspected: The tune was written about renowned actor and her former flame Tom Selleck.
Rusty LeBron James Unable To Identify A Basketball #~# LOS ANGELES—Repeatedly pointing at round objects around his house and noting that they looked familiar, rusty NBA superstar LeBron James reportedly took a clock off of his wall Tuesday and asked if it was a basketball after totally forgetting how to identify one. “Okay, it’s round, which is good, but I can’t remember if basketballs usually have those math letters on them, or a bunch of tiny gears inside,” asked the four-time NBA MVP who, after realizing his initial mistake, questioned family and friends about whether a cabbage, a bar of soap, a car, or his own head could be dribbled, passed, or dunked. “Jeez, this is embarrassing. Sorry, I’ll get it. It’s just been a while, you know? I’m out of practice at telling things apart. Man, I really should have been working on my skills the last few months. Oh, maybe this furry looking thing is one? Probably not, it just bit me.” At press time, LeBron was reportedly shouting “Incoming, get out of the way,” after he looked up and immediately identified an enormous, glowing basketball hovering above him in the sky.
Obama, Malala Among Headliners For Virtual Commencement #~# Telling graduates that they were uniquely equipped to confront the pandemic and create a better world, President Obama joined Malala Yousafzai, LeBron James, and dozens of other luminaries to toast the class of 2020 in a virtual commencement ceremony. What do you think?
Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret #~# The coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announced the first confirmed case of Covid-19 in a ferret. Hear just how little of a shit Americans could give about the new discovery.
Mount St. Helens’ Anniversary Brings Divided Nation Together To Remember Grisly Scene In ‘Dante’s Peak’ When Dude’s Elbow Pops Out #~# SKAMANIA COUNTY, WA—Reflecting on the 40th anniversary of the tragic eruption of Mount St. Helens, a divided nation was brought together Monday to solemnly remember the grisly moment in 1997’s Dante’s Peak when fictional character Harry Dalton’s elbow burst through the skin. “Wow, the sight of ash, smoke, and rocks spewing out of Mount St. Helen is a stark reminder of the power and devastation wreaked by volcanoes, much like when that dude’s bone was sticking all the way out,” said South Bend, IN resident Jan Franklin, 37, was united with fellow citizens from all walks of life and varying viewpoints while recalling the short-but-gruesome moment in film history when Pierce Brosnan’s character’s lateral epicondyle broke through the epidermis. “I’ll never forget that moment and how my stomach sank when it made that popping sound. At the end of the day, we need to set aside our differences and realize that we are all Americans who never want that to happen to us—a bone just jutting out like that, especially while trying to run away from lava. I can’t believe it’s already been 40 years since that movie came out.” At press time, the nation was reportedly at bitter odds again after one American mistook Dante’s Peak for the other 1997 disaster movie Volcano starring Tommy Lee Jones.
Stocks Rally On Hope For Coronavirus Vaccine #~# Positive news from a scientific trial by drug maker Moderna stoked optimism about a potential coronavirus vaccine, sending the Dow up more than 650 points, or 2.8%. What do you think?
Recipe Calls For Banana As If Man Has Access To Fucking Caribbean Street Market #~# NEWPORT, OR—Bewildered at the inclusion of the tropical fruit among the required ingredients, local man Andrew Collins confirmed Monday that the muffin recipe he was baking called for bananas as if he had easy access to a fucking Caribbean street market. “Where the hell am I going to find one of those?” said Collins of the botanical berry he had only seen in pictures, asking how in God’s name the writer of the baking instructions expected him to acquire a banana without visiting a farmer’s market in Trinidad and haggling with a vendor in Creole or venturing deep into the Antigua rainforest and hacking one down from a tree with a machete. “Dammit, the nearest banana tree has got to be a thousand miles away from here. Wait, what the hell is this shit? They also want me to use sugar as well. Great, I guess I’ll just drive to my local sugarcane field. Jesus fucking Christ.” At press time, an annoyed Collins was forced to use canned pumpkin mixed with tofu as a substitution. 
Coworkers On Zoom Trapped In Infinite Loop Of Telling Each Other ‘Oh Sorry, No, Go Ahead’ #~# LOS ANGELES—Coworkers at the advertising firm Horizon Group remained trapped in an infinite loop of telling one another “Oh sorry, no, go ahead,” during a morning Zoom teleconference, sources confirmed Monday. “No, no, my bad, definitely go ahead,” said copywriter Lance Reddick, pausing three hours into the apparently endless cycle of apologizing and encouraging a colleague to continue with what they had been saying, only for another few workers to add to the unbreakable pattern by chiming in, quickly cutting themselves off, and asking forgiveness for speaking over anyone else. “I feel like I interrupted you. Sorry about that—what were you trying to say?” At press time, after a brief silence, all 20 coworkers on the call were shouting over each other in a deafening cacophony.
Terrifying Implications: Leaked Nintendo Source Code Could Give Terrorists The Ability To Weaponize Kirby #~# Early May brought disturbing news for Nintendo fans everywhere as the company’s source code leaked only, exposing sensitive information ranging from detailed hardware specs to programming secrets. The loss of intellectual property has one terrifying possibility that should shock individuals across the globe: A rogue state or terrorist cell might now use the code to hijack and weaponize Kirby.
Unplanned 2:30 A.M. Trip Through Steven Seagal’s Wikipedia Page Worth Every Goddamn Second #~# CHICAGO—Describing the experience as “pure joy” from start to finish, area woman Emma Calbert told reporters Monday her unplanned but fortuitous 2:30 a.m. trip through Steven Seagal’s Wikipedia entry, which kept her up later than usual last night, was worth every goddamn second. “I wound up there after stumbling across the page for Under Siege, and holy shit, I had no idea what a treat I was in for,” said Calbert, who recounted the pleasure of learning that, over the years, the action star had become best friends with Vladimir Putin, marketed a failed brand of aftershave called “Scent of Action,” and served as guardian to the only child of the 10th Panchen Lama of Tibet. “While I was pretty tired this morning, I could never regret the genuine delight of discovering that Steven Seagal has an extensive collection of swords and custom-made firearms, and is, on top of everything else, really into animal rights. To be sure, much of the entry, like the long list of sexual assault allegations against him, is pretty fucked up—but did you know that in 2005 he released a guitar album called Songs From The Crystal Cave?” Calbert added that her only regret was that she would never again be able to explore the page’s “Personal Life” section for the very first time.
God Recalls Getting Start As Backup Dancer Before Making It Big As Deity #~# THE HEAVENS—Reflecting on how far He had come since His early days on the live music circuit, The Lord God Almighty spoke to reporters Monday, recalling his start as a backup dancer before He made it big as a deity. “It’s kind of crazy to think about it now, but back then, I was basically just a glorified extra in Odin’s traveling revue,” said the Supreme Being and Creator Of All Things, noting that in those days He considered it a success if even one or two worshippers came up to Him after a show. “People think I was just destined to be the King of Kings and Ruler Of The Cosmos, but the truth is I got a lot of lucky breaks along the way. I’m not saying it was an accident that I found success—I worked my ass off doing five shows a night for years, but I was fortunate to have friends like Frannie, Beth, Zeus, and all the other dancers who taught me everything I know.” God added that He probably would never even have made it as a diety if the producers’ original choice for the part hadn’t mysteriously broken her leg right before callbacks. 
New Research Indicates Coronavirus Did Not Spread From Pangolins #~# Scientists in China say genetic analysis proves that while pangolins are carriers of certain types of coronavirus, it is unlikely they are the direct source of the current outbreak of Covid-19 among humans. What do you think?
Investigation Reveals Coronavirus Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents #~# An alarming investigation reveals the coronavirus may have been claiming victims in the United States even earlier than previously thought. Hear how Covid-19 has been covering its tracks by cutting people’s brake lines as far back as January.
Drake Fans Accuse Kenny Chesney Of Manipulating Billboard Charts By Putting Effort Into Album #~# TORONTO—Calling the country singer’s place at the top of Top 200 completely illegitimate, fans of the rapper–singer Drake took to social media Friday to accuse Kenny Chesney of manipulating Billboard’s algorithm by putting effort into his album. “It’s just unfair that this guy could keep Drake from his rightful place on the charts by putting out quality music that he actually cares about,” said Aiden Howard, 14, who echoed the sentiments of Drake fans worldwide in his assertion that the artist’s mediocre B-sides deserved more acclaim and recognition. “He clearly gamed the streaming numbers when he decided to put time and energy into his craft. It’s such horseshit that Billboard rewards that behavior and punishes Drizzy for making a half-assed mixtape full of songs he’d already dropped on SoundCloud. How the hell is ‘Toosie Slide’ going to compare to a song that the artist thought about for more than 15 minutes?” At press time, Drake released a statement asking fans to ignore Kenny Chesney and focus on the horseshit that he just released. 
Nervous New Driver Going To Stick To Sidewalks Until He’s More Confident #~# PHOENIX—Clutching the steering wheel and remarking that it was just safer for everyone this way, nervous 17-year-old motorist Brendan McCormick told reporters Friday he planned to stick to sidewalks until he was more confident of his driving abilities. “Honestly, it’ll be a lot easier to learn the basics if I stay away from the hustle and bustle of the main roads, and things are so much calmer once you turn onto the sidewalk,” said McCormick, who carefully checked his side-view mirror and used his turn signal as he navigated around a café table, noting that he planned to keep his speed between 20 and 30 mph in order to avoid any collisions with fire hydrants or trees. “For now, I just want to go out and take it around the block a few times so I can get the hang of it. I’m also using the crosswalks to avoid busy intersections, which can be pretty overwhelming when you’re a new driver. Sure, I’ve had a few scrapes with pedestrians here and there, but usually I just honk my horn and they get right out of the way.” At press time, McCormick had decided to continue his driving practice over the weekend by speeding up and down a local hiking trail.
Desperate Sports Fan Would Almost Be Willing To Watch Own Kids Play In Backyard At This Point #~# BETHLEHEM, PA—Worried that the lack of professional athletic events was beginning to chip away at his very sanity, deprived sports fan Kendall Moyer confirmed Friday that he would almost be willing to watch his own kids play in the backyard at this point. “Christ, I’m so starved for sports that I caught myself on the verge of watching them play one-on-one Wiffle ball yesterday,” said Moyer, who begrudgingly admitted he was actually interested in a modified version of kickball that his eldest son, Max, had developed the other week. “I guess it’s come down to this. I never thought teaching my son how to grip a football would be more interesting than watching ESPN. This lockdown needs to end before I’m driven to play soccer with them—even risking death would be better than that.” At press time, Moyer had stumbled upon a “gold mine” of classic ’90s NBA games that could help him go weeks without having to look at his kids again.
Wisconsin Bars Reopen Following State Supreme Court Decision #~# Patrons packed bars in celebration after the Wisconsin Supreme Court voted 4-3 to invalidate an extension to the governor’s stay-at-home order, though several counties issued their own orders in an effort to control the spread of coronavirus. What do you think?
Helpful HR Email Offers Employees Tips For Ignoring Mental Health #~# OAKLAND—Emphasizing that the staff’s output and productivity were of the utmost importance to management at this time, employees at tech company SeedFund confirmed Friday that HR had sent them a helpful email offering tips for ignoring their mental health. “During these trying times, if you’re ever feeling psychologically overwhelmed or suffering from crippling anxiety, the best thing you can do is push those thoughts deep, deep, down inside of yourself and never let them come out again,” read the email sent by head of HR Christina Hunt, which also provided useful tips for suppressing warning signs, as well a hotline employees could call if they wanted to quit because they just couldn’t handle it anymore. “In many ways, the novel coronavirus is the biggest challenge the world has ever faced, which is why we encourage our employees to put their nose to the grindstone and power through it instead of coming to us like a bunch of whiny babies. Again, if you need any additional resources to deal with childcare, spousal care, or medical emergencies, don’t bother reaching out to us because we absolutely cannot and will not accommodate them.” At press time, HR had reportedly sent out a follow-up email announcing that dozens of employees would immediately have their contracts terminated.
500-Mile Dead Zone Found Off Atlantic Coast Linked To Runoff From Olive Garden Alfredo Pipe #~# FENWICK ISLE, DE—Warning that even creatures as small as krill have been completely eradicated by the contamination, scientists at the NOAA confirmed Friday that a growing 500-mile dead zone off the Atlantic coast has been linked to runoff from Olive Garden alfredo pipes. “This stretch of coastline has been completely choked by Olive Garden’s illegal dumping of this creamy white cheese sauce and can no longer sustain any marine life,” said marine biologist Dara Novell, who estimated that the levels of butter, parmesan, and preservatives per cubic foot are so high that even after cleanup, fish might not return for 10,000 years. “Olive Garden has been pumping almost 100,000 gallons per day of alfredo sludge, containing god knows what, into the Delaware River. This is one of the most deadly substances mankind has ever produced, even algae can’t survive. Hundreds of miles out to sea, we have spotted deformed dolphins with three flippers and whole blooms of obese jellyfish. Even an emergency order of 10 billion breadsticks has been unable to reverse the damage.” Novell added that volunteers have only been able to clean seabirds covered in the alfredo sauce by burning it off with the highly acidic and abrasive Olive Garden marinara.
74 Normal Photos And 2 Kinda Weird Ones #~# Normal one.
The 11 Best Games To Play For The Nintendo Switch #~# Did you just pick up a Nintendo Switch? Are you looking over the plethora of titles at your disposal and wondering what to play? Well, OGN has you covered with our definitive list of the 11 greatest titles to own for the Nintendo Switch. Click on, gamers, for your answers!
Record Number Of Women Running For U.S. House In 2020 #~# At least 490 women have filed to run for seats in the House of Representatives this year, breaking the previous record set during the 2018 election that saw 102 women win their races, though Congress is still roughly 75% men. What do you think?
Democrats Praise Joe Biden For Being Only Candidate Able To Talk Down To Americans Like The Stupid, Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Really Are #~# He’s the man Democrats have chosen to take on Trump in November, but just what was Joe Biden’s secret to winning the nomination? Hear how the former vice president was able to unite party support by treating voters like a bunch of know-nothing shit-for-brains.
Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Proclaiming that he simply could not allow people to remain in their homes any longer, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Thursday he had deployed the National Guard to force state residents back into shopping malls, movie theaters, restaurants, and other public spaces. “Today I have ordered both the Army and Air National Guards to do whatever is necessary to ensure every person in the Sunshine State is fully participating in this economy,” said DeSantis, who issued a new directive making it illegal for the total number of shoppers in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond to dip below 90% of fire code capacity, or for anyone to refuse to attend sold-out screenings of Trolls World Tour. “As governor, it is my duty to preserve the Florida we all know and love by requiring our 21 million residents to break quarantine so they can once again eat at Buffalo Wild Wings and shop at Aéropostale. Effective immediately, we will also be authorizing members of the reserve force to employ a variety of nonlethal and lethal methods to compel Floridians to frequent hair salons, roller rinks, and trampoline parks.” At press time, reports confirmed an F-16 from the 159th Fighter Squadron had dropped a bomb on citizens in a Jacksonville Sunglass Hut who had refused to try on the latest in Ray-Bans.
113-Year-Old Beats Coronavirus #~# Maria Branyas, a supercentenarian believed to be the oldest woman in Spain, confirmed in a video that she has survived a mild case of coronavirus, saying that “in terms of my health I am fine, with the same minor annoyances that anyone can have.” What do you think?
Police Still Investigating What Happened Between Officer Discharging Weapon And Suspect’s Head Exploding #~# NEW YORK—Telling reporters that the department was doing everything it could to search for answers, the NYPD confirmed Thursday that it was still investigating what occurred between an officer discharging his weapon and a suspect’s head exploding. “What we know is that officers on the scene had an interaction with an African American individual that led one of them to fire his gun, and then some time later, the individual’s head came clean off his body in a way that would be consistent with damage from a projectile,” said Police Commissioner Dermot Shea, noting that an internal investigative team was still trying to piece together what occurred in those crucial milliseconds after the gun went off but before the suspect’s skull completely shattered. “Unfortunately, statements from the dozens of eye witnesses and the three officers on the scene have thus far proven inconclusive. While the perp appears to have been completely unarmed at the time of his head exploding, we can report with certainty that the individual in question had been picked up several times in the past for suspicion of marijuana possession.” Shea added that due to malfunctioning body cameras, they were unlikely to ever fully solve the mystery of how the deceased suspect’s body came to have an additional 15 rounds fired into it. 
11 Greatest Sports Moments Made Possible By PEDs #~# The Miracle On Ice (1980): In arguably the greatest upset in sports history, a group of amateur college hockey players pulled off the “Miracle on Ice” after defeating the mighty Soviet Union 4-3 during the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid. While undoubtedly playing with incredible heart and determination, Team USA could never have achieved this monumental victory without the help of anabolic steroid Ethylestrenol.
Updated Patriot Act Finally Legalizes 80% Of Current FBI Operations #~# WASHINGTON—In a 59-37 vote that reauthorized provisions from the 2001 legislation and added several new measures, Congress reportedly passed an updated Patriot Act Wednesday that finally legalized 80% of current FBI operations. “The newly upheld Patriot Act augments current surveillance practices by expanding into several areas where the FBI was already operating,” said Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), adding that the GOP-led Senate struck down an amendment to prohibit warrantless searches of Americans’ internet browsing histories in order to give U.S. intelligence agencies the legal latitude to do what they have already been doing for years. “The original Patriot Act took a huge step in giving legal protection to a lot of traditional FBI tactics that had been illegal up until then. This is an important next step in authorizing the vast majority of illegal FBI operations on the internet, the same way we did with searching on telephones. The men and women of the FBI are just trying to do their jobs, yet have had to operate under conditions where they collect private information and search Americans’ private data while fearing for their careers. These long-overdue reforms should increase the FBI’s productivity since agents won’t have to waste so much time covering their trails or dealing with the occasional lawsuit. Finally, the restrictive measures of previous internet-related legislation will no longer be the circumvented law of the land.” McConnell expressed hope that the remaining 20% of FBI operations not legalized through the expanded Patriot Act would be addressed in an upcoming bill. 
Nurse Wearing Snoopy Scrubs, Floral Face Mask To Work Must Think Pandemic Some Kind Of Joke #~# PORTLAND, ME—Speculating that the health worker simply did not grasp the gravity of the current situation, sources confirmed Thursday that Lauren Witters, a nurse wearing Snoopy-themed scrubs and a floral face mask while working at Maine Medical Center, must think the Covid-19 pandemic is some kind of joke. “We’re in the middle of the greatest disease outbreak in a lifetime, and this woman has the goddamn gall to dress up with her favorite cartoon mutt on her scrubs,” said anonymous hospital sources, noting that the callous medical worker probably also tap dances around the intensive care unit in her lilac-covered face mask while whistling Vince Guaraldi “Charlie Brown Theme” given how much of a blast she was apparently having with the ongoing global health crisis. “Here’s an idea: Why don’t you show your fun little flower mask to your patient? That’ll lift him up. Oh wait, he’s struggling with an acute respiratory illness, you heartless monster. What the hell is wrong with you?” At press time, sources had agreed that it would be far more appropriate for Witters to wear black scrubs and a mourning veil during her 16-hour double shifts.
Differences Between The Stock Market And The Economy #~# As the coronavirus pandemic continues to cause widespread disruptions, many have noticed that the country’s stock market and economic situation, which would ostensibly reflect each other, seem to reflect entirely different situations. The Onion looks at the differences between the stock market and the economy.
New Windex Formula Promises To Kill Twice As Many Birds #~# The popular glass cleaner has a new formula out, and thanks to the inclusion of bait and bird seed, it may be Windex’s most efficient bird killer to date. Hear just how many long-beaked sons of bitches we were able to take out with the stuff.
Heartbreaking Photos Of Polar Bears Who Will Die Before The Next ‘Metroid Prime’ If Nintendo Doesn’t Get Their Shit Together #~# In early 2019, Nintendo delayed the long-awaited Metroid Prime 4, shifting development to the series original developers, Retro Studios, after a series of unspecified setbacks. While we here at OGN applaud Nintendo’s commitment to quality, the sad fact is not everyone has years to wait for a new Metroid, and perhaps Nintendo needs a little motivation to speed things up by being reminded of exactly who they are letting down. 
Health Officials Close Restaurant That Opened For Mother’s Day #~# The health department in Castle Rock, Colorado shut down C&C Coffee and Kitchen this weekend after the owners held a Mother’s Day event in defiance of state coronavirus safety orders, packing their seating area with unmasked customers. What do you think?
10 Morally Reprehensible Turtles Who Deserved To Get Their Heads Stuck In Plastic Rings #~# Sad? Don’t be. This turtle isn’t some innocent creature whose majestic life was cut short by an insidious plastic ring. He’s a good-for-nothing son of a bitch who has done some horrible shit beyond your wildest imagination.
Family Can Trace Ancestry Back To Whatever The Hell Grandma Was Talking About #~# MARBLEHEAD, MA—Explaining the limited extent of their genealogical knowledge, members of the Dunbar family confirmed Wednesday that they could trace their ancestry back to whatever the hell it was that grandma was always talking about. “We start to lose track of our family origins around the time that Grammy always yammered on about when she immigrated from some boring country, wherever that was,” said family member Lacie Dunbar, adding that the matriarch had almost certainly come from somewhere in Europe, and there was a whole thing with her wedding to Grampy, but she couldn’t recall any of the specifics. “She grew up poor or had a tough time or something, I’m pretty sure, but that doesn’t narrow it down. She constantly went on and on with these repetitive stories about the food and stuff she did as a kid. And we’ve seen some old photos of her but she was just standing in a field, so that could be basically anywhere. I think we have an uncle somewhere in Florida that might have some more info, although now that I think about it, he might be on the other side of the family.” At press time, Dunbar told reporters she was just going to tell people she was Irish. 
Prize Hog Doesn’t Know How She Can Retain Competition-Ready Body For Another Year #~# HEDRICK, IA—After the upcoming county fair and its swine show were postponed indefinitely due to the coronavirus pandemic, sources confirmed Wednesday that prize hog Myrtle doesn’t know how she can retain her competition-ready body for another year. “I’ve been training for months with a very strict feeding and sleeping regimen and was feeling really good, so it’s pretty frustrating that all that preparation was for nothing,” said the 7-month-old sow, who worried she would lose any chance to build on her blue ribbon from a local 4-H competition in early March and miss out on ever being able to compete on the county fair stage. “By the time they allow competitions again, I’m afraid I’ll be past my prime. It takes a lot of work carefully building up my girth and stamina to peak right when competitions happen. It’s not like I can keep up this level of flab on my frame in the long term. Jeez, and I even learned to juggle, too.” The prize hog added that she was especially concerned for her competitive future after learning that the coronavirus was causing a pork shortage and observing that her owner was firing up the family smoker. 
10 Over-The-Top Letters From The Alphabet #~# Q: Yikes! Just letting it all hang out. Embarrassing.
Disgusting Bigotry: The Media Is Only Blaming This Bat For Coronavirus Because He’s A Gamer #~# Politicians and reporters have long used video games as a scapegoat for policy failures and broader societal missteps. Sadly, it looks like that pattern of bigotry towards gamers—long a source of contention in the industry—has even extended to the recent Covid-19 pandemic. Indeed, in an all-too-predictable development, recent articles have started to pin the virus’s transmission on a Chinese bat that has clearly been targeted solely because of his identification as a gamer.
What To Know About The Killing Of Ahmaud Arbery #~# The February 23 fatal shooting of Georgia man Ahmaud Arbery and the arrests of two white suspects two months later have drawn national attention for the nature of the crime and public officials’ handling of the case, particularly after video evidence of the killing became public. The Onion looks at what you need to know about the killing of Ahmaud Arbery.
Eric Trump Requests Meeting With Barron To Determine Whether They Are Uncle And Nephew Or Brothers Or What #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to solve a longstanding source of confusion, Eric Trump reportedly requested a formal meeting with Barron Trump Wednesday to determine whether they are uncle and nephew or brothers or what. “Dear sur [sic], so I know we both have the same last name, which is Trump, so does that make you my cousin or what? If you no [sic] please right [sic] back,” wrote Eric Trump in an email draft, calling for a summit to establish if they were grandfather and grandson, second uncles, coworkers, or friend-in-laws.“Ivanka is your mom, right? I tried to ask my dad but he just yelled that he didn’t know either. Maybe we’re both godfathers to Don Jr., but then does that make Tiffany my wife. Honestly, maybe we should do a T and A test [sic] and see if that helps us figure this out. Okay, just let me know where you live. Also, I could use help sending this email if you get a chance.” At press time, Eric had concluded that they were both step brothers from the marriage of Marla Maples and Jared Kushner.
Episode Of Cooking Show Implying Pastry Chefs Some Sort Of Oppressed Minority #~# LOS ANGELES—Insinuating that there exists a social ladder upon which people who prepare gourmet desserts for a living occupy the lowest rung, a recent episode of the Bravo series Top Chef strongly implied that pastry chefs were some sort of oppressed minority. “Everyone is underestimating me because I trained as a pâtissier, but I know I can stand toe-to-toe with my rivals,” said Ryan Calbert, a contestant on the show who graduated from the prestigious Ferrandi culinary school in Paris, speaking as if he belonged to a marginalized group and had faced grave prejudice as a chef who prepared sweet dishes rather than savory ones. “Everyone looks at me and just sees a guy who makes cakes and cookies. Well, I’m going to change a few attitudes by the time I’m finished here. Pastry chefs can do anything anyone else can do. Give me a shot and I’ll prove it.” Reports confirmed that by the episode’s end Calbert had lost a challenge and been eliminated for the season. 
Pennsylvania Becomes 3rd State To Fully Outlaw Child Marriage #~# Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf signed a bill banning anyone under 18 from obtaining a marriage license, ending a previous exception that allowed 16- and 17-year-olds to marry with parental consent and making Pennsylvania one of just three states to fully ban child marriages. What do you think?
Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January #~# Did the White House act soon enough? That’s the question being asked today after this report revealed the Trump administration may have been ignoring tell-tale apocalyptic signs since the beginning of the year. 
Dr. Fauci Warns Of Needless Suffering And Death If America Allowed To Continue #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the dire consequences should the sovereign nation remain in existence, NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci warned the public Tuesday of needless suffering and death if America were allowed to continue. “Let me be clear, if the United States of America persists into 2021, not only will many people die, but left unchecked, this federal republic will unleash untold destruction on the world,” said Fauci, adding that the North American country was already too far out of control, and that only way to stop the devastating effects of its spread was to eliminate it as quickly as possible. “Unfortunately, I can tell you that over the past hundreds of years, we’ve already witnessed the terrible, global consequences of the American experiment firsthand. While people may act prematurely and claim that the 325 million-person nation has been safely contained, believe me, this is just the beginning.” At press time, Fauci urged the public not to underestimate the nation as it had already killed too many people to count. 
White House Will Require Everyone Except Trump To Wear Mask In West Wing #~# The Trump administration updated guidelines this week requiring employees to wear face masks when entering the West Wing following news that two staffers had tested positive for coronavirus, though the policy will not apply to either President Trump and Vice President Mike Pence. What do you think?
Report: Mary Grace, Get Your Ass Back Inside This Goddamn Instant #~# ECKERTY, IN—According to a blistering new report issued Tuesday through the screen door of a local front porch, Mary Grace had better get her ass back inside right now, right this goddamn instant, if she knows what is good for her. “I done told you twice already, Mary Grace: Put down that stick, wipe the mud off your overalls, and git warshed up for supper,” stated the report, which continued on to suggest the dang girl had until the count of three to comply with the demand, or else she was libel to get sent straight to bed without a single bite of this big mess of beans her mama just cooked up. “I better not hear you been runnin’ ’round with that Peterson boy again. I told you he ain’t no good. And you best hush up that crying, too. You brought this here hollerin’ upon your own sweet self, and you know it.” The report concluded by swearing to Christ Almighty that Mary Grace was setting herself up for a hide-whupping the likes of which she would not soon forget.
Eighth Grader Would Have Cranked Classroom Pencil Sharpener Few More Times If She Knew That Going To Be Last Chance #~# DENVER—Reflecting on the simple pleasure that she would likely never experience again, area eighth-grader Francesca Jaffe told reporters Tuesday that she would have cranked the classroom pencil sharpener a few more times had she known it was going to be the last chance she’d get. “Man, if you’d have told me in March that I’d never get to grind up another Dixon Ticonderoga #2 in that thing, I would have appreciated it a lot more,” said Jaffe, 13, confirming that she would never have taken the tactile joy of sharpening her pencil to a fine point in the rotary device for granted if she’d realized how fleeting their time together would be. “There’s so much more I could have done: colored pencils, watercolors, maybe even a crayon or something just for the sheer thrill of it. Never again will I experience the anticipation on the walk across the classroom, the satisfying feel of the crank in my hand, the sound of those twisting metal blades, the sweet scent of the fresh shavings—I admit it, I’m going to miss it all.” At press time, a wistful Jaffe told reporters that she supposed transitioning to mechanical pencils was a natural part of saying goodbye to childhood. 
National Grandpa Council Allocates $300 Million To Provide Each American Some Walkin’ Around Money #~# WASHINGTON—Urging citizens not to spend it all in one place, the National Grandpa Council announced Tuesday a plan to allocate $300 million to provide each American with some walkin’ around money. “We heard you all have been working very hard lately, so we thought you deserved a few clams to treat yourselves to something special like a nice pack of Juicy Fruit gum or a balsa wood airplane,” said National Grandpa Council president Bob Platt, noting that Americans should expect to receive anywhere from 50 cents to $1 in loose coins fished from pockets and change bowls of the council members. “Now, it’s our job to spoil you a bit, so take this down to the soda shop or the picture show and have a little fun. Everyone is getting a shiny quarter, and a few of you lucky ducks will get a crisp dollar bill. Simply knowing you kids are out there having a swell time at the burger joint, ice cream social, or sock hop makes us grandpas feel pretty special.” At press time, the National Association of Moms was insisting the U.S. populace sit down and write a thank-you note before they would be allowed to go on a spending spree. 
Coronavirus Assumed White House Would Be Bigger In Person #~# WASHINGTON—Underwhelmed by the cramped bathrooms and overly crowded seating areas, sources close to the coronavirus confirmed Tuesday that it had always assumed the White House would be bigger in person. “When you think White House, you think of this grand place where the most powerful person in the world lives, but it’s actually kind of small and rinky dink,” said Auto Terra Filinia XFC, a strain of Covid-19, who revealed that touring the entire residential area of the White House and the West Wing took it less than an hour. “It’s just kind of underwhelming, I guess. I expected to feel all this majesty at the power of the American government, but it’s mostly just old. Even the security is lax, I was able to sneak into the East Room and even the Lincoln bedroom no problem.” The coronavirus did add that despite its disappointment with the building, the staff’s warmth and lack of social distancing had made it feel right at home.
9 MUST-FOLLOW Al-Qaeda Leaders On Twitter #~# Khalid al-Habib (@The_REAL_KhalidAlHabib): A big name in social media circles as well as the Afghan war front, al-Qaeda’s top field commander is known for his ongoing Twitter feuds with moderate Shiites, the Muslim Brotherhood, and the 9/11 Truth movement.
FDA Approved First Birth Control Pill 60 Years Ago This Week #~# This week marks 60 years since the FDA approved Enovid-10, the first oral contraceptive for women, though contraceptives were not legally available to married women in all states until 1965 and unmarried women until 1972. What do you think?
Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot #~# Like, a lot a lot. We’ve got the latest on the complex contact tracing that has lead scientist to conclude Covid-19 may have started with this bat who was fucking anything it could find.
3 Coronavirus Task Force Members To Self-Quarantine #~# Dr. Anthony Fauci, CDC director Robert Redfield, and FDA commissioner Stephen Hahn will each quarantine for 14 days following possible “low grade” exposure to a White House staffer who tested positive for coronavirus. What do you think?
Stephen Miller Reassures Sick Wife He Knows What It Looks Like When Woman Dying #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to comfort his spouse that her coronavirus symptoms hadn’t progressed to a more serious stage, White House senior adviser Stephen Miller reassured his sick wife Katie Waldman Monday that he knows what it looks like when a woman is dying. “Honey, I know you’re not feeling well and things can be kind of scary now, but I promise you that I have a lot of experience with this, and you don’t have any of the classic signs that women show right when they’re about to die,” said Miller, confirming that her lack of glassy eyes and terrified, ragged breathing meant that death was still a long way off. “Look, when an animal knows it’s about to die, it completely gives up and goes listless in a corner, so don’t worry, you still have a lot of fight left in you. Besides, I can spot a death rattle from a mile away, and we haven’t heard anything even close to that, so just try to relax and get some sleep.” At press time, Miller was assuring his wife that she was safe since she had not exhibited the most common near-death symptom of pleading with him for mercy. 
‘The Last Dance’ Director Defends Creative Choice To Flash Forward To 2046 #~# LOS ANGELES—Referring to the stark time-jump as the right way to cap his comprehensive portrait of Michael Jordan’s final championship, The Last Dance director Jason Hehir defended his creative choice Monday to conclude the documentary by flash-forwarding to the year 2046. “I hear people’s frustrations, but we wanted to take some creative risks and explore how an aging Jordan would cope with his legacy,” said Hehir, dismissing criticism that scenes of a stammering 83-year-old Jordan spilling scotch on his shirt, and bragging to a nurse about the time he supposedly scored 81 points against the Suns in the NBA Finals, were exploitative. “We needed those shots of him watching the United Center get demolished. He can hardly even remember his playing days by 2040, but it’s important that viewers get a sense of Jordan as a person. People know Michael as the ultimate competitor, so we wanted to show his more vulnerable side, the guy who needs help going to the bathroom.” Hehir added that the scene where Jordan hears about Scottie Pippen’s death may be the most powerful thing he’s ever written and is Jordan’s finest performance in the entire series.
All Man’s Fun Facts From Eisenhower Biography From Prologue #~# WILMINGTON, NC—Confirming suspicions the man had yet to make it past the book’s 16-page prefatory material, sources reported Monday that all the fun facts about Dwight D. Eisenhower shared by local father Andrew Keller had come from the prologue of the biography he began reading several weeks ago. “Did you know they called Eisenhower the Man from Abilene? That’s the name of the town in Kansas where he grew up,” said Keller who has apparently completed less than 2 percent of acclaimed biographer Jean Edward Smith’s Eisenhower In War And Peace, though he began reading the 976-page volume soon after he purchased it in mid-March of this year. “Ike is a figure who’s always fascinated me, not only because he served as 34th president of the United States, but because he was a five-star general in the Army, a president of Columbia University, and the first supreme commander of NATO. It’s interesting stuff. Oh, and of course you can’t forget Eisenhower had a wife named Mamie.” At press time, sources confirmed that Keller had moved on to recalling fun facts about Eisenhower he had learned from the promotional copy featured on the book’s jacket.
Trump Blames Nation’s Susceptibility To Coronavirus Outbreak On Weakness Of America’s Race-Muddled Gene Pool #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to explain the rising U.S. death toll, President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he blamed the nation’s susceptibility to coronavirus on the weakness of America’s race-muddled gene pool. “It’s sad to say, but decades of rampant miscegenation have watered down our superior genetics to the point that we’re completely defenseless against our invisible enemy,” said Trump, arguing that widespread intermingling had made the U.S.’s Covid-19 response more challenging compared to countries with less-tainted bloodlines such as Australia and Iceland. “We’ve done a very good job, but unfortunately, there’s only so much we can do when so many are tainted by DNA from the mongrel races. Folks, I’ve been saying it for years: The moment we got rid of the one-drop rule, we signed our own death warrants.” Trump went on to call for all full-blooded Aryans to donate plasma in an effort to help return America to its racially pure heyday. 
Man Can’t Wait For Quarantine To End So He Can Finally Take Shower Again #~# PEABODY, MA—Noting that it had been months since he had been able to feel truly clean, local man Evan Kornhauser told reporters Monday that he could not wait for the quarantine to end so that he could finally shower again. “Everyone has to make sacrifices, I know, but I have to admit that I’ve really missed bathing for the past eight or nine weeks,” said Kornhauser, describing the struggle of adapting to the growing, deeply unpleasant body funk that had developed in his studio apartment as a result of the warming weather and his inability to scrub his body with soapy water during the lockdown. “Just to be super careful, I haven’t even entered my bathroom since March. The place reeks because of me, but that’s just the price you have to pay for being safe. It’s sad because there are some people like my cousin in Florida who don’t care about the rules and are showering pretty much every day. I’m just a little more of a responsible guy, I guess.” Kornhauser went on to stress that in order to observe all necessary precautions, he was determined to hold off on showering for several months after the quarantine ended.
Flashback! 8 Mind-Blowing Photos Of Jessica Alba Before She Was Famous #~# Everyone recognizes Jessica Alba from her extensive work in television and on the silver screen, but did you know that long before the Hollywood bombshell made it big in the entertainment world she was actually Husrev Tevetoğlu, an elderly Turkish man?
Health Officials Warn Mysterious Voice Calling For People To Come Out And Play In Middle Of Night Could Be Coronavirus #~# Social distancing restrictions may be loosening around the country, but health officials are warning we may not be completely out of the woods yet. We’ve got everything you need to know about that ethereal voice outside your window humming in the moonlight.
Tinder To Introduce In-App Video Chat Feature #~# Tinder parent company Match Group announced last week that one-on-one video chatting will be available on the app later this year, though details on how harassment and inappropriate content will be monitored has not been released. What do you think?
Experts Warn Unemployment Rate Could Soon Rise To America Is The Greatest Country In The World #~# WASHINGTON—Following weeks of mounting job losses amidst a worldwide pandemic, top economists in the Trump administration warned Friday that the national unemployment rate could continue its rise to the United States is the greatest country in the history of the world. “As today’s report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics indicates, our job market has reached America is truly a shining city upon a hill, a nation whose beacon light guides freedom-loving people everywhere,” White House economic adviser Kevin Hassett said as he gestured toward a graph that showed the U.S. jobless percentage climbing precipitously toward an image of Old Glory herself, which waved majestically in the wind, a halo of dazzling fireworks bursting around her stars and stripes. “This is a worrisome trajectory that may yet lead to USA! USA! USA! Our projections indicate no one can ever take away the liberty we enjoy, not so long as there are brave men and women willing to fight and die to protect it. At this rate, freedom is practically doubling overnight. We could very well see historic levels of pride dwelling in the heart of every American patriot, which makes us the strongest, bravest nation on the face of this earth. No one else even comes close. No way, no how.” Hassett concluded his statement to reporters by confirming data now showed God Bless America, Land of the Free, Home of the Brave.
77% Of Laid-Off Workers Expect To Be Rehired By Employer In Future #~# In a poll conducted by the Washington Post, nearly 8 out of 10 Americans who have been laid off or furloughed during the pandemic are optimistic they will be able to return to their jobs once business resumes, though analysts warn that up to 40% of jobs could be permanently lost. What do you think?
Trump Names Donor As New Postmaster General #~# Donald Trump named Louis DeJoy, a GOP fundraiser and RNC national finance chairman who has donated nearly $360,000 to the president’s reelection fundraising committee since January, as the 75th chief executive officer of the United States Postal Service. What do you think?
Most Common Panic-Buying Purchases During Coronavirus #~# Anxiety over coronavirus disrupting supply chains and many people’s continued isolation at home have inspired panic-buying of certain items with varying degrees of logical connection to the pandemic. The Onion looks at the most common panic-buying purchases during coronavirus.
Each Successive Comment On ‘Jack And Diane’ Music Video More Heartbreaking Than Last #~# NEW YORK—In a remarkable pattern that stretched across hundreds of misspelled and poorly formatted posts, sources confirmed Friday that each successive comment on the John Mellencamp’s “Jack And Diane” music video was more heartbreaking than the last. Several reports indicated that while early messages under the clip, such as “Remembering better days” or “Than you John Cougar for this Incredible ANTHEM song [sic],” set a nearly insurmountable standard of pitifulness, their subtle pathos was quickly outdone by the later statements of YouTube user Celtics_76, who described a wife who had “loved this song” and how the rhythm guitar riff “still makes me think of her even 7 years later. RIP Julia.” Additional analysis suggested that while the simple note, “Fuck cancer,” hinted at a possible capstone to the mountain of sadness evoked by viewers of the heartland rock song, such speculation was ultimately rendered premature when user Petty_Tomorrow jumped into the fray to ask “who loves this song comment me if you do,” igniting a minor storm of absolutely heartrending subcomments suggesting personal disability, family trauma, and an almost unspeakable longing for the years that have passed since the song’s July 1982 debut. At press time, further information confirmed that the escalating trend had fortunately come to an end after John Mellencamp’s verified account posted “Personally, I think it still holds up—What do you guys think?” in the video’s comments.
Incredible Security: The Xbox Series X Will Deter Would-Be Burglars By Emitting A Rotting Crab Smell At All Times #~# Microsoft just launched the first real volley in the next-gen wars! To cap off yesterday’s impressive Xbox Series X games event, the hardware juggernaut announced that every iteration of their upcoming console will deter burglars by emitting a rotting crab smell at all times.
Watch What Happens When You Zoom In On This Bread #~# Well, would you look at that, a slice of bread. You see it everyday, but you probably don’t look very closely. Well, that’s about to change. Let’s zoom in a little bit.
12 Sure Signs You Directed The 2006 Motion Picture ‘Babel’ #~# After Babel debuted to acclaim at the Cannes Film Festival, critics compared it to your previous films Amores Perros and 21 Grams.
Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World #~# Of the thousands of mothers observed across the country, researchers found that even though you may think she’s the best in the whole wide world, your mom is actually far, far from it, and most likely at or below average at best. 
‘Hey,’ Says Chloë Sevigny In Cool, Unaffected Greeting To Firstborn #~# NEW YORK—In a manner sources described as “effortlessly chill,” actress Chloë Sevigny reportedly said “Hey” Thursday in a cool, unaffected greeting to her firstborn child. “Oh, hey, what’s up?” said Sevigny, addressing her newborn son for the first time with mild interest as she glanced around the room. “New here? Mmm. So you’re a baby? I was once a baby. I like your name. Well, I got to run. Later.” At press time, sources confirmed Sevigny was laughing boisterously at something clever her baby must have said. 
NYPD Officer Hopes Black Teen Only Coughing Because He Just Choked Him #~# NEW YORK—Expressing concerns about contracting Covid-19 from the interaction, NYPD officer Bruce MacLeod confirmed Thursday that he hoped a local black teen was only coughing because he had just been choking him. “Oh God, please let that be a barely clinging-to-life cough and not a dry cough,” said MacLeod, explaining that he should have followed police protocol and donned a mask before forcibly cutting off the unarmed black teen’s airway with a nightstick. “I promised my wife and kids that until this pandemic is behind us, I would just shoot black teens from a safe distance, but unfortunately, I got carried away. I didn’t even think twice about going in and suffocating him because it’s such a habit to beat these black kids to a pulp. And given that seven of us tackled him, it might mean we all have it.” At press time, MacLeod slowly sang the alphabet song twice while washing the black teen’s blood off his hands.
‘Light ’Em Up, Boys!’ Shouts Gun-Toting CDC Grunt After Hundreds Of Baby Coronaviruses Burst Out Of Pulsating Nest #~# NEW YORK—Muttering “mother of God” while shining a flashlight on the tunnel ceiling where the sticky substance he just stepped in seemed to be dripping from, gun-strapped CDC grunt Brock Lyndon reportedly yelled “Light ’em up, boys” Wednesday just as hundreds of baby coronaviruses burst out of their pulsating nest in the bowels of the New York City transit system. “Looks like coronavirus hunting season is officially open, gentlemen,” said the smirking captain of the CDC tactical team, who squeezed the trigger of his M134 minigun and sprayed bullets at the mass of squirming viruses, which sent a wave of Covid-19 spawn scuttling across the walls, floor, and ceiling toward the city above. “Welcome to New York, motherfuckers! Looks like this will be your last stop. Just like squishing roaches, huh, Nitro? Carter, grab the fucking flamethrower! Torch these bastards! Christ, they’re everywhere! Carter? Oh shit, they got Carter!” At press time, Lyndon was overheard telling his team to go on without him before lighting a cigar and marching straight into the center of the swarm to set off the tactical nuke that had failed to detonate remotely.
Rich College Student Trying To Find Shabbiest Angle In Parents’ Penthouse To Zoom Into Class From #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Searching the expansive property for a location that wouldn’t be too ostentatious, college student Maria Visone was attempting to find the shabbiest angle in her parents’ penthouse to Zoom into class from, sources confirmed Thursday. “Maybe I can kind of just point it against this corner and no one will see the home movie theater,” said Visone, who had reportedly ruled out the great room because of the obvious noise from the water feature as well as the downstairs guest bathroom due to the French windows showcasing the Golden Gate Bridge. “Basically any room with a fireplace is out, which severely limits my options. And I have to make sure it’s somewhere the mastiffs won’t run in and jump in my lap. Damn, if only I had remembered to mention this to the maid, she could have just taken everything out of the exercise room yesterday and it would have been perfect.” At press time, Visone had settled on a 6-inch patch of white wall space between the chandelier and an original Rothko.
Scientists Study Llamas In Quest For Coronavirus Treatment #~# Researchers in Belgium are studying whether antibodies from llamas could help neutralize Covid-19 infections, noting that the animals produce proteins that have the ability to bind to the coronavirus’s spiky exterior. What do you think?
God Cleans Cosmos After Discovering Universe Infested With Ants #~# THE HEAVENS—Jumping up from His celestial throne after He felt a tickling sensation around His ankle, the Lord God Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, reportedly discovered Thursday that the universe was infested with ants and quickly set about cleaning every corner of the cosmos. “For crying out loud, they’re all over the Andromeda Galaxy, the Milky Way, everywhere—my whole majestic creation is positively crawling with them,” God said upon noticing a 4-light-year-long line of the insects stretching from Proxima Centauri to a discarded soda can near the Kuiper Belt, which He proceeded to scrub down with bleach. “Okay, I see, they’re all coming from that black hole over in the Perseus Cluster. I’m going to have to spray a can of Raid in there, and then maybe throw down a couple of those bait traps to keep them from spreading across the entirety of space and time. Ugh. At least they didn’t get into the fucking pantry this time.” Heavenly sources stated that the Author of Our Eternal Salvation had also contacted Earth to see how soon He might be able to get an exterminator up there. 
Golden Boy Boxing Applies For PPP Loan To Continue Paying Off Judges #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling scorekeepers the foundational pillars of their business, representatives from Golden Boy Promotions announced plans Friday to apply for a Paycheck Protection Program loan to continue paying off boxing judges during the coronavirus pandemic. “We’re not bringing much money right now, but that doesn’t mean we’ll abandon our contract employees,” said founder Oscar De La Hoya, who warned that judges going months without bribes would send shock waves throughout the combat sports industry that could leave it completely unable to function. “We’re at a point now where we don’t have a lot of liquid assets, so hopefully, the government steps up with a loan, and we can start sending out these briefcases of cash. Judges depend on us for their livelihoods. It’s not the flashiest job in the world, but you don’t get stars like Canelo [Alavarez] without paying judges for more desirable scores.” At press time, De La Hoya announced plans to forgo his salary to help keep referees on the payroll.
REWIND! 10 Sharp Knives That Scarred You For Life #~# That sturdy black handle, the 10-inch blade, that glinting serrated edge—that’s gotta take you right back!
Quiet City Streets Allow Neighborhood Residents To Hear The Natural Sounds Of Couples’ Blow-Out Fights #~# With the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to forget they’re there. But, as the coronavirus pandemic brings society to a screeching halt, the beautiful sounds of the natural world have begun to reemerge.
1 In 5 Wendy’s Restaurants Currently Out Of Beef #~# Nearly 20% of Wendy’s restaurants are currently unable to serve hamburgers as the company faces meat shortages due to the pandemic, with analysts noting the fast food chain has been harder hit than its competitors because it uses fresher beef for its products. What do you think?
Major Airlines Will Require Passengers Wear Masks During Flights #~# With air travel down 96%, several U.S. airlines have announced that passengers will now be required to wear face coverings at check-in areas, lounges, boarding gates, and on the plane for the duration of their flight. What do you think?
Man Just Can’t Be With Someone Who He Projects So Many Of His Own Flaws Onto #~# WESTCHESTER, MA—Admitting he simply couldn’t shake many of the concerns he had about his current girlfriend, local man Stephen Lashley told reporters Wednesday that he couldn’t be with someone who he projects so many of his flaws onto. “Obviously, Sarah is nice, but when you get down to it, I really can’t see myself spending my life with a person who I subconsciously use to foist off all my insecurities, sexual inadequacies, and personal failings,” said Lashley of the nagging feeling that something was missing from their relationship, a feeling that was only exacerbated when he looked at his partner and immediately deconstructed her into a symbol of his inability to express affection or maintain authentic friendships with virtually anyone in his life. “At first, it was easy to ignore, but pretty soon, it became rather glaring how she was basically just a mental mirror I had created, reflecting back all my worries that I’m not attractive enough or creative or particularly interesting in conversation. Honestly, we’re two very different people: I’m just a regular guy, and she’s a psychic embodiment of all the ways I have failed in life. I don’t know how you reconcile those things.” Lashley admitted that many of his girlfriend’s problems—such as her minuscule penis and fears of ever becoming a father—simply might be unfixable.
Elon Musk Debuts New Self-Parenting Child #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Proudly showing off his latest innovation, Tesla CEO Elon Musk debuted an all-new self-parenting child Wednesday. “This is the most intuitive baby we’ve ever seen—it’s completely hands off,” said Musk, who explained how the breakthrough was motivated by his desire for a baby he would never need to think about. “We’re talking maximum baby for minimal effort. With this kid, you just set it and forget it. Simply sit back, relax, and watch some Mandalorian. You never have to worry about child rearing. Some people will try to tell you it’s dangerous not to parent your child, but this thing is wired with state-of-the-art algorithms that make any safety concerns irrelevant.” At press time, Musk had retracted his statements after the baby had unexpectedly exploded.
Study Finds Skin Melting Off Your Hands Revealing Bones Beneath Best Indication You’re About To Have A Bad Trip #~# SANTA CRUZ, CA—In an investigation of how different variables can predict the effects of hallucinogenic drugs, a new study published Wednesday found that the skin of one’s hands dissolving into a puddle to reveal the bones beneath provided the best indication that one was about to have a bad trip. “Among participants administered LSD, 98.2% of those who held up their hands to watch as their skin dripped off and their muscles ripped away from their bones went on to report highly unsatisfactory outcomes with the drug,” said Bill Tasker of the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies, explaining that his research team conducted its survey from a random sample of naked, screaming individuals found cowering in a corner of the room. “We also discovered strong correlations between bad trips and slowly sinking into the carpet as the walls shout obscenities at you, suddenly realizing you are an incubating fetus of dark matter trapped in a black hole, and looking into a mirror to see all of your teeth pack up their suitcases and walk out of your mouth. As such, we recommend those who experience such phenomena drink a glass of water and try to calm down a bit before taking their next dose.” Paradoxically, the study found that if your skin, bones, and entire body melt completely into the earth and you and all the matter in the universe become indistinguishable parts of the same cosmic dance, then you are about to have the best goddamn experience of your life.
Biden Campaign Considering Using The Internet To Attract Voters #~# PHILADELPHIA—Saying it was definitely something they were looking into, officials with Joe Biden’s presidential campaign confirmed to reporters Wednesday they were actively exploring the possibility of using the internet to attract voters. “We may use it, we may not, but yes, it is one of the outreach tools on our radar at this time,” said Biden 2020 co-chair Cedric Richmond, adding that the campaign “didn’t want to get ahead of itself,” but if surveys showed there was a sizable block of registered voters using the technology, it might eventually hire two or three staffers to work on the internet full-time. “It’s pretty cutting-edge stuff. The web can send text and images right to people’s computer screens, so it may actually turn out to be an effective means of spreading the vice president’s message. And who knows, there might even be a way to raise money through the internet. We’ll be conducting more research into the matter as soon as we install the free trial disk we have in our files.” At press time, the Biden campaign had reportedly published a single standard-definition photo of the presumptive Democratic nominee on a Blogger account set to private.
Conservative Militia Group Prepares For Societal Collapse By Training As Hairstylists, Nail Technicians #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Training night and day in an abandoned strip mall complex, a conservative militia group has been preparing for societal collapse by training as hairstylists, nail technicians, and cosmetologists, sources confirmed Wednesday. “When the shit hits the fan, we’ll be the ones who are ready to take care of ourselves with the latest hair colors, nail applications, and specialized skin-care treatments,” militia member Wayne Donnell, 54, said as he drilled a group of children, some as young as 7, in the basics of administering a seaweed body wrap. “We’re actively recruiting tanning bed operators to join the fight, and we’re stockpiling styling gel so we’ll have something to barter after the dollar flatlines. Of course, we also have a bunker full of diesel generators, which are crucial if you want to be able to operate hair dryers and curling irons off the grid. I’d advise others to do likewise. If you and every member of your family can’t at least execute a decent mani-pedi, then brother, there ain’t gonna be much hope for you under the New World Order.” Donnell went on to state that those who failed to prepare for the fall of society had better not come crying to him when they needed a Brazilian blowout.
How Contact Tracing Works #~# As governments look to reopen social life in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, some officials and tech industry leaders have proposed or implemented contact tracing to limit the disease’s spread. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how contact tracing works.
Facebook Cracking Down On Misinformation By Warning Users Who Share Links From Facebook #~# MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to slow the proliferation of fake news, tech giant Facebook announced plans Wednesday to crack down on misinformation by warning users who share links from Facebook. “We want users to see accurate information on our platform, so we’re flagging disreputable sites like Facebook that often traffic in political propaganda for financial incentive,” said Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, citing data analysis that repeatedly found hate speech and spam originating from the social media network. “This platform has regularly skirted our community standards, and it’s time to put our foot down. We’re taking steps to protect our users by removing harmful content and redirecting them to more reputable resources such as Instagram. We know many users don’t knowingly share Facebook links, but it’s on us to moderate the News Feed. It’s time to face facts: Facebook has no place on Facebook.” At press time, Sandberg confirmed the website had significantly reduced the spread of misinformation after deleting all of Facebook. 
The Top 10 Celebrity Pip Blips #~# When it comes to pip blips, Megan Fox takes the cake. Case in point.
Nobody Panic: Bulbasaur Found A Gun #~# Alright, gamers, remain calm, but we have a situation on our hands. We don’t know how it happened or how long this is going to last, but it looks like everyone’s favorite Gen 1 Leaf Pokémon has found a gun.
Michelle Obama ‘Becoming’ Netflix Documentary Spends First Hour On Embryonic Stage #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling the upcoming release “surprisingly intimate,” sources confirmed Wednesday that Becoming, the new Netflix documentary about Michelle Obama, spends the first hour on the former first lady’s time spent in the embryonic stage. “It’s fascinating to explore this undiscussed time in Michelle Obama’s life where she was merely an embryo feeding off nutrients from a yolk sac,” said film critic Robert Vogt, describing how the first two-thirds of the film depict Obama’s first eight weeks in the womb, followed by the final 30 minutes of the film running through her time in the fetal stage up to 2016. “The embryonic stage was an extremely formative time for her. Even if you’re not the biggest fan of Michelle or Barack Obama, it’s inspiring to see how one of the most powerful women in the world started off as a mass of cells in a uterus. Little did that single-layered blastula on the South Side of Chicago know that she would one day become a multi-layered gastrula.” At press time, Vogt admitted the documentary was “imperfect,” remarking that the filmmakers could have spent a little more time focusing on the germinal stage in the fallopian tubes.
Carnival Cruise Line To Resume Service In August #~# Carnival Cruise Line, whose fleet has been docked since the CDC issued a No Sail Order in March, announced plans to resume sailing in August starting with cruises out of ports in Texas and Florida. What do you think?
The Top 10 Prevented Nip Slips #~# Actress Jennifer Lawrence is wearing a dress in this shot, but if she wasn’t then it would be a MAJOR nip slip!
Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2-Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers #~# In an incredible showing of generosity, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced that he will be forgoing his annual bonus of warm, thick gravy in an effort to help support the company’s furloughed workers. Hear how Boston Market employees are thanking their heroic CEO.
Immune System Bored Too #~# DETROIT—Feeling listless and irritable after weeks of dull routine and attempts to keep itself occupied, the immune system of self-quarantined local man Gary Dutton was bored too, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I’ll eventually go crazy if I keep puttering around like this with nothing to do but fight off the same old tedious household germs I’ve fought off a million times before,” said the complex bodily system responsible for protecting Dutton against disease, adding that it felt especially useless knowing that as it sat there doing nothing, a highly communicable, life-threatening virus was ravaging the world right outside. “At this point, I’d be glad for just about any excuse to ramp up white blood cell production and really let loose on something. It doesn’t have to be the novel coronavirus, either. I’d take influenza, measles—for the love of God, at least give me a cold or a staph infection to neutralize.” At press time, reports confirmed Dutton’s immune system had begun attacking normal, healthy tissue just to break the monotony.
Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Prefer Working Remotely After Pandemic #~# A survey released by IBM found that 75% of people polled would like the option to work from home occasionally once coronavirus restrictions are lifted and 54% would prefer to work from home the majority of the time. What do you think?
13 Adorable Photos Of Baby Farm Animals, But With Each Click, Another Appendage Will Be Cut Off Our Finance Director’s Body. How Far Will You Go? When Will You Let It Stop? #~# Aw! Look at this little guy! Doesn’t he remind you of Babe? Our finance director’s name is Rick Cerveres. If you click to the next slide, we will cut off his index finger.
Pizza Placed In Frozen Slumber Until Time World Needs It Most #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—In an effort to prepare for a coming age in which supplies have grown scarce and hunger runs rampant, a pizza was reportedly placed in frozen slumber Tuesday and will remain there until such time as the world has great need of it. “You are a time-traveler, venturing forth on a mission of utmost importance,” solemn-faced local 24-year-old Victor Paulson said to the cheese and sausage pizza, gently inserting the pie into a specialized preservation chamber, which according to experts is nearly airtight and can consistently maintain a temperature below 32 degrees Fahrenheit. “When you emerge, the world will look very different. It will likely be in its darkest hour: a ruinous era of great deprivation and intense cravings. Your crispy crust is not needed now, but one day you will rise from your slumber and find yourself in precisely the right place at the right time. Until then, we must bid you farewell, noble spirit.” At press time, reports confirmed Paulson’s roommate had arrived home for lunch and popped the frozen pizza in the oven.
Man Feels Like He Gets Gist Of Enlightenment After First Few Minutes Of Hearing Zen Monk Talk #~# SEATTLE—While watching a dharma talk recorded at the Ancient Mountain Zen Center, local 32-year-old Mark Davis told reporters Tuesday that he felt like he pretty much got the gist of enlightenment after the first few minutes of hearing a Zen monk speak. “Yeah, yeah, you let go of attachments, dissolve your ego, and then you get enlightened—why is he still going on about this?” said Davis, noting that he understood the nuts and bolts of “the whole nirvana thing” within the monk’s initial few sentences, and everything after that about selfhood and thusness just seemed like repeating the obvious. “Basically, identity is an illusion and accepting that lets you awaken to reality. Check. Did he really have to take 45 minutes talking about this? Maybe I’ll just skip to the end and see if he has anything different to say.” Sources confirmed that—at that moment—Davis became enlightened.
BREAKING: Millions Of Americans Sucked Out Into Space After NASA Accidentally Open Airlock Above Headquarters #~# WASHINGTON—Millions of Americans were reportedly sucked into the vacuum of outer space Tuesday after the country’s airlock accidentally opened above NASA’s headquarters in what the agency is calling a significant technical error. “Earlier this morning, a computational malfunction opened the NASA Earth Airlock above our Washington D.C. headquarters, sending millions of individuals, cars, and livestock flying upwards into the sky and out into the reaches of outer space,” said agency administrator Jim Bridenstine, urging concerned citizens to hold tight to any nearby flora or support beams to cope with the explosive depressurization and oxygen rushing from the open airlock into the cold expanse of space. “Rest assured that we are working on a solution to temporarily patch the N.E.A.’s open hatch with some duct tape and a large sheet of plastic as quickly as possible. However, we deeply apologize for any who have lost a loved one, whether through differential pressure crushing their skull or simply being jettisoned into the unfathomable depths of space.” Agency administrators admitted this was the worst terrestrial airlock accident since 1969's Apollo 11 mission when rapid depressurization catapulted the Saturn V rocket out of the Earth’s atmosphere and directly to the surface of the Moon.
Invasive ‘Murder Hornets’ Confirmed In U.S. #~# Scientists confirmed that Asian giant hornets, which are known to decapitate entire hives of honeybees and have a venomous sting that can kill humans if stung multiple times, have been discovered in Washington state for the first time. What do you think?
Best At-Home Workouts To Do When Your Head Is Stuck In The Banister #~# Being caught in the stairs is no excuse to forgo your daily cardio! We’ll walk you through a great workout you can do at home that will take your mind off the fact that your head’s been stuck between two wooden rails for the last three hours and you might die that way.
Belarusian Soccer Execs Pop Champagne On New Mega Yacht To Celebrate Wave Of Increased Popularity That Will Surely Last Forever #~# MINSK, BELARUS—Joyously toasting to the decision to continue play through the coronavirus pandemic, executives from the Belarusian Premier League popped champagne on their new mega yacht Monday to celebrate the league’s sudden spike in popularity that will surely last forever. “It’s clear that we’re the most beloved soccer league in the world and always will be,” said Dinamo Minsk chairman Andrey Tolmach, who revealed that the league was considering expanding to 24 teams and teased that a certain “rapper from Toronto” had recently been tapped to perform during halftime of this year’s title match. “We’re set for life! The Belarusian style of attacking football has finally gone global, and there’s no stopping us now. At this rate, we should be able to sell our television rights to the BBC and ESPN. Hell, maybe we could buy ESPN?” At press time, Tolmach announced plans to parlay the league’s newfound success to flee “this terrible republic.” 
Man Can’t Unsee That McDonald’s Logo Just Big ‘M’ #~# OLATHE, KS—Expressing disbelief that he had gone almost 40 years without noticing the symbol that was hiding in plain sight, local man Brett Presley told reporters Monday that after a friend pointed it out, he could not unsee that the McDonald’s logo is secretly a big letter M. “When Brian first told me that those big arches on the McDonald’s sign actually form an M, I just laughed at him, but now it’s all I see when I look at it,” said Presley, adding that since having the revelation several weeks ago, he has told almost everyone he’s met about the secret message in the company trademark just to see the shock on their faces. “It’s such a clever design to sneak that in there. Sometimes, I’ll bring it up on my phone and ask people if they see anything, but most folks will say they don’t see anything hidden, it’s just the McDonald’s logo. I guess, like me, they just assumed it was two bent-over french fries.” Presley added that he hopes the secret M does not have any sinister meaning like the Star of David hidden in the Hardee’s logo.
Trump Blames China For Acting Too Late In Coordinating U.S. Coronavirus Response #~# WASHINGTON—Lambasting the rival superpower for what he called “reckless” and “irresponsible” behavior, President Donald Trump publicly blamed China Monday for acting too late in coordinating the U.S. Covid-19 response. “China knew our nation was facing a deadly threat as early as January, and yet they did nothing to develop a plan we could use to slow the spread of the virus,” said Trump, noting thousands of American lives could have been saved if Chinese president Xi Jinping had only taken the threat seriously from the start and implemented a strategy to reduce the negative impact on the U.S. economy. “The Chinese government just kept waiting and waiting, sitting on their hands as the outbreak spread through the U.S. rather than leading our nation in the way it so desperately needed. States shouldn’t be left out to dry, putting together piecemeal pandemic responses. What else is a strong Communist Party for? And now they’re trying to cover it up, claiming the U.S. isn’t their responsibility.” At press time, Trump added the administration had obtained new intelligence suggesting the Chinese government had engineered coronavirus in a lab in Washington. 
YouTube Shuts Down Account Of Man Who Pushed 5G Coronavirus Conspiracy #~# YouTube has deleted English conspiracy theorist David Icke’s account for violating their terms of service after Icke posted videos claiming 5G spreads coronavirus, a theory that has since incited dozens of arson attacks on cell towers. What do you think?
Kindergartener Can’t Believe Friend Has Never Seen ‘Cars 3’ Before #~# BROOKLYN—Expressing disbelief about his peer’s paucity of cinematic knowledge, area toddler Aiden McInnes was reportedly surprised Monday to discover that his friend Liam Kellerman had never seen the Pixar film Cars 3. “Wow you’re really missing out on one of the all-time classic films when it comes to cars driving really, really fast,” said McInnes, explaining that while you could definitely tell the film was made in 2017, it still held up remarkably well and several of the race scenes were worth watching 80 or 90 times in a row. “Do yourself a favor tonight and get Mommy and Daddy to play it for you. I’m telling you, this isn’t one of those movies that you know is important but is kind of a slog to sit through like The Secret Life Of Pets—this one is just gorgeous from start to finish. It epitomizes the entire genre, and Mater is so silly!” At press time, a disgusted McInnes was reevaluating his friendship with Kellerman after he argued Cars 3 couldn”t be as good as The Angry Birds Movie. 
Major Relief: Microsoft Has Confirmed That The Xbox Series X Will Play Video Games #~# Well, we can all breathe a little easier today. After months of speculation over their next-generation console, Microsoft has finally confirmed what we were all hoping for: The Xbox Series X will play video games.
10 Reasons Falling For Shameless Click Bait Makes You A Bad Mother #~# Being easily swayed by 1980s nostalgia is a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you lack basic maternal instincts and are incapable of raising your young.
The Topical Wins A Pulitzer #~# It’s the highest award one can receive for achievements in journalistic excellence. Host Leslie Price accepts the prize with grace and poise as he showcases some of the show’s finest work.
Doctors Report ‘Covid Toes’ As Possible New Coronavirus Symptom #~# Dermatologists say red, swollen toes that appear frostbitten may be a sign of coronavirus, adding that it is not unusual for viruses to cause rashes but the fact the lesions only appear on the feet make this symptom unique to the disease. What do you think?
Justin Amash Announces 3rd Party Run For President #~# Michigan Congressman Justin Amash, originally a member of the Republican Party before changing his affiliation to independent last year, announced that he is running for president as a Libertarian. What do you think?
NCAA Wonders Why Financially Struggling Student Athletes Didn’t Just Exploit Labor Of Others #~# NEW YORK—Expressing confusion over players’ work ethic, NCAA president Mark Emmert wondered Friday why financially struggling student athletes didn’t just exploit the labor of others. “We understand students may often feel financial pressure, but they did not need to ask us for money when they could simply go out and profit off other kids in desperate situations,” said Emmert, recommending that athletes could simply build an arena with nothing but an endowment or their inheritance money and then rake in cash from events and concessions that they do not even have to take part in organizing. “I’m not quite sure why these young men and women don’t take some initiative, find some struggling people, and skim profits off their work. There are millions of people in this country you could do this to, from rideshare drivers to food service workers, and you could make millions while still having plenty of time to study and go to practice. It’s literally the easiest thing in the world to do.” At press time, Emmert announced the NCAA would be garnishing 90% of any profits student athletes generated from independent business ventures.
Man Not Sure He Can Take Another 6 Weeks Of Barely Following CDC Guidelines #~# ST. LOUIS—Following more than a month of halfhearted adherence to guidelines put in place to combat Covid-19, local man Luke Bradley confirmed Friday that he was unsure if he could take another six weeks of barely adopting practices recommended by the Centers for Disease Control. “I honestly don’t know how much longer I can keep running cold water over my hands for a few seconds every time I’ve been in a public space,” said Bradley, who explained that the changes he had made to his personal routines, such as reducing his trips to the corner store for snacks and beverages to twice a day, had begun to take a heavy toll on his mental health. “I’m about to hit my breaking point, especially with social distancing. It’s so depressing when you can only hang out with a few different groups of friends on a Friday night instead of going to a club or a big house party. Oh, and God help you if you post pictures of yourself on social media with your arms around a bunch of your pals, because you’ll get attacked for being ‘part of the problem.’ Seriously, how long can a person stay home from work every time he experiences a fever and prolonged coughing fits before he completely loses it?” Bradley went on to bemoan the fact that he wasn’t even allowed to see his grandmother, adding that if the 87-year-old woman could survive diabetes, lupus, and the loss of half a lung to cancer, she ought to be able to survive a visit from a loved one.
Biden Addresses Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘My Advisors Told Me To Say They Aren’t True’ #~# WASHINGTON—Addressing allegations by Tara Reade that the Democratic presidential candidate sexually assaulted her during her time as a Senate aide, Joe Biden responded after weeks of silence Friday by telling reporters, “My advisors told me to say they aren’t true.” “I want to be clear—my campaign staff explicitly told me to claim this never happened,” said Biden, who appeared on MSNBC to share what he had rehearsed with his team of highly paid campaign strategists and PR professionals. “After consulting with the best legal team money can buy, I’ve decided to state this unequivocally did not happen. I want the American people to know that internal polling has shown I should forcefully deny this and move on. I hope I can dispel any doubts you still might hold that I would go against my advisors’ wishes and confirm this happened.” At press time, Biden had called upon the National Archives to release any documents they had that might support Reade’s allegations after his advisors had confirmed they didn’t exist. 
Even Better Than Travis Scott: The Nephew Of An Epic Games Executive Will Be Playing Some Songs On The Oboe For Everyone In ‘Fortnite’ #~# Exciting news, battle royale fans! As any diehard gamer already knows, Fortnite hosted a virtual Travis Scott concert last week that attracted 12.3 million simultaneous players for a mind-melting psychedelic spectacle. Well, as a follow-up to that event’s unprecedented success, Epic Games just announced that 13-year-old Greg Pochowski, the nephew of an Epic Games executive, will be playing a small recital on the oboe for everyone to enjoy starting this Friday at 6 p.m. Eastern!
Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret #~# HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Acknowledging that it certainly wasn’t a good thing but there were more pressing matters, Americans across the country reacted with indifference Friday following reports of the first case of Covid-19 spreading to a pet ferret. “Huh, how about that,” said Sandra Goetz, 34, echoing the sentiments of 325 million Americans who met the news of the species-to-species transmission with a halfhearted shrug. “I hate to ever hear that any living thing is suffering, but I’m not exactly going to lose any sleep over a few of those mean, smelly-ass weasels getting sick. I’m just praying the virus doesn’t spread to something good like a bunny or a chinchilla.” At press time, Americans across the country admitted they’d assumed those disgusting domesticated polecats were already rife with every disease imaginable. 
How Coronavirus Will Change Human Relationships #~# Research suggests the dangers of the coronavirus pandemic likely won’t subside for months, if not longer, and experts have warned that human relationships could be forever affected by prolonged isolation, as well as efforts to prevent future recurrences. The Onion looks at how coronavirus will change human relationships.
Struggling United States Purchased By Private Equity Firm #~# The U.S. may have some big changes coming its way after being acquired by Prospect Capital Partners. Hear what this could mean for the newly renamed United50’s future, assuming it has one.
New Fossil Evidence Suggests Dinosaur Could Swim #~# Paleontologists say the anatomy of a newly discovered tail fossil proves that Spinosaurus, a carnivore that lived during the Cretaceous Period, could swim through the water much like a crocodile, making it the first-known swimming dinosaur. What do you think?
Best Recipe Blogs #~# Blogs for recipes have exploded in popularity over the past several years, with everyone from professional chefs to self-trained cooks providing recipes, inspiration, and tips to the foodie community. The Onion takes a look at the best recipe blogs on the internet.
God Sends Sympathy Card After Killing Man’s Wife #~# THE HEAVENS—In a kind gesture intended to address the man’s profound grief after his loss, God, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly sent a sympathy card Tuesday to 56-year-old Arizona resident Greg Harris after killing his wife. “Reaching out in this time of mourning to express My deepest condolences for you and everything I’ve taken from you,” wrote the Lord Almighty in a heartfelt note signed by several archangels that arrived at Harris’ home the evening after his wife lost a lengthy and painful battle with stage four nodular lymphoma. “After all that you have been through last year with Me taking your parents, I’m sure what you’re experiencing feels unbearable. But know that everything you and your remaining family has suffered is part of My divine plan. Thinking of you in this difficult time.” Sources confirmed that God went on to append a postscript assuring Harris that his wife was in a far better place with Him.
CEO Likes To Think Of Company As One Big Manson Family #~# NEW YORK—Expressing his affection for the close-knit community he’d helped foster, CEO Tony Vanders of regional communications Vandcorp Media told reporters Tuesday that he has always thought of his company as one big Manson family. “I know it’s something of a cliché, but I honestly consider my employees to be close, tightly knit, utterly devoted cadre of loyal followers who take my every word as absolute authority,” said the executive, claiming the bonds he shared with his workers weren’t unlike those of a fanatical commune of brainwashed zealots. “We’ve got all the typical Manson Family dynamics. I’m the paternal figure who keeps his subordinates in a stupor of exhaustion and confusion in order to make them particularly malleable to his twisted whims. Alice Fendelman is our parallel to Squeaky Fromme, who uses the pretense of taking care of the family members to ensure no one acts against the family interests—naturally, she’s our HR director. As for the rest, I have no doubt they’d kill for me if asked, seeing as I stripped them of their individual humanity long ago.” Vanders added that he originally started his company to punish his underlings and the world at large for his lack of artistic success.
New Environmentally Friendly Burial Involves Having Your Dead Body Eaten By Wealthy German Man With Taste For The Exotic #~# NEW YORK, NY—Explaining how the method generates no carbon emissions or pollution, Rhine Solutions, a new corpse disposal service, unveiled a new environmentally friendly form of burial Friday that involves having your dead body eaten by a wealthy German man who has a taste for the exotic. “Upon the customer’s death, their body will be shipped to Hamburg, where it will be devoured by Dieter, a prominent business magnate who has, shall we say, an appetite for the taboo,” said Mark Bentley, head of communications for the company, explaining how Dieter, whose palate has evolved beyond standard forms of meat, loves nothing more than sitting down at the dining room table of his remote Bauhaus-style mansion and feasting on his favorite forbidden, succulent delicacy, which he often pairs with a vintage wine. “The process creates absolutely no waste, as Dieter is a very hungry fellow who cleans his plate whenever he sits down for one of these special meals before gently dabbing his lips with a satin handkerchief. What better way to bid farewell to your loved one than allowing this stately oligarch to indulge in his unique gastronomic preferences?” At press time, the service had shut down after Dieter died of kuru.
Economist Has Great Idea For Sitcom Where Keynesian And Friedmanite Have To Live Together #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Revealing that he already had enough story arcs to fill a couple seasons of the show, economist John Stephens confirmed to sources Monday that he has a great idea for a sitcom where a Keynesian and a Friedmanite have to live together. “So get this: Doug and Jeff have totally opposite beliefs about macroeconomic theory and what drives economic cycles—think of all the hijinks in their conflicting approaches to buying a new dishwasher alone,” said the excited economist, who added that he was thinking of titling the multi-camera half-hour comedy about the two acolytes squabbling over chores, noise, and exchange-rate flexibility It’s The Economy, Stupid, and ideally that Simon Helberg and Neil Patrick Harris would star. “I have a buddy in Hollywood who I sent my pilot to, and I don’t see how they couldn’t give this a full run. Just imagine the arguments: ‘Oh, you demand that I clean the dishwasher? You don’t know anything about demand!’ You’d have the Friedmanite, Doug, trying out all these crazy schemes to try to earn money through supply-side market manipulation. And when the Keynesian, Jeff, is trying to find a job, Doug keeps telling him that the government doesn’t owe him employment. But of course they’d learn things from each other too over the course of the show—the Keynesian would soften his stance on aggregate demand, and the Friedmanite would admit that maybe he could stand to be a little bit more understanding about deregulation. They’ll also have this crazy Hispanic communist neighbor who both of them are constantly trying to get to move out. Plus we could get cool guest stars, like Alan Greenspan!” At press time, the studio had passed over Stephens’ sitcom idea in favor of a single-camera show by a psychologist where a Freudian and a Skinnerian have to live together.
Russian Bathhouse Guest Having Trouble Relaxing Over Sound Of Eastern-European Gangsters Planning Assassinations #~# NEW YORK—Explaining how difficult it was to decompress when they were openly discussing planting weapons and arranging for escape vehicles, Mark Stewart, a guest at a Russian bathhouse, was reportedly struggling to relax Monday over the sound of nearby Eastern European gangsters planning assassinations. “I came here for a nice, calming schvitz, but it’s impossible to unwind when those imposing Slavic men over there keep mentioning that ‘Dimitry needs to be taken care of’ every five minutes,” said Stewart who grew increasingly tense while overhearing Belorussian criminals arranging a gang-related murder in the sauna and loudly talking about how they need to go about it subtly in order to avoid starting a turf war with the Chechens. “I thought I could at least have a few minutes in the hot tub to myself, but then two of them came in and started speaking in Russian or something as they had a ceremonial drink of vodka to finalize the plans. Seriously, I barely got the chance to enjoy my visit, since even the guy giving me the massage with the eucalyptus branches wouldn’t shut up about putting two bullets in the back of some guy named Ilyich’s head.” At press time, the Eastern Europeans were reportedly worried that the stranger in their bathhouse knew too much and began making plans to “deal with him.”
Judge Rules Devin Nunes Can’t Sue Twitter Over Cow Parody Account #~# A judge has ruled that California representative Devin Nunes cannot sue Twitter for $250 million as part of his quest to discover who is behind the two parody accounts “Devin Nunes’ Cow” and “Devin Nunes’ Mom,” stating the platform is not liable for what its users post. What do you think?
Disney’s Splash Mountain To Be Rethemed As ‘Princess And The Frog’ #~# Disney confirmed Thursday plans to reimagine Splash Mountain, which is based on the 1946 movie Song Of The South, into a new log-flume ride following Princess Tiana and her alligator Louis as they travel on a musical adventure. What do you think?
‘Remember, You Are Mortal,’ Advisor Says To Garland-Covered Water Reclamation Supervisor During Swearing-In Ceremony #~# ZANESVILLE, OH—Cautioning his superior lest he become intoxicated by power, advisor Greg Dawling reportedly urged newly appointed water reclamation supervisor Lee Frost to remember that he was mortal during the official’s elaborate swearing-in ceremony Friday. “Be not vain or foolish in your position—this earthly world is still but a passing thing,” Dawling reportedly whispered into Frost’s ear as trumpets sounded and a legion of treatment plant operators saluted behind them. “At long last, the forces of irrigation and aquifer recharge will be yours alone to command. But still, the subtle ways are best—hold your power close, and choose when and where to wield it for maximum effect. Remember, all that now stands between you and triumph is your own hubris.” At press time, a grimacing Dawling had withdrawn into the shadows as Frost vowed that the groundwater of Zanesville would run red with the blood of his enemies. 
NASA To Rename Building In Honor of ‘Hidden Figures’ Actress Octavia Spencer #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the announcement represented the first step in making up for the erasure of a vital part of agency history, NASA unveiled plans Friday to rename their Washington D.C. headquarters in honor of Hidden Figures actress Octavia Spencer. “In recognition of the vital role she played in bringing the space program back to prominence, I’m proud to announce the creation of the Octavia Spencer Center For Aeronautics,” said NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine in a press conference, acknowledging Spencer’s clear on-set sacrifices and dedication to bringing a “sterling depiction” to the silver screen of a black scientist who calculated flight trajectories for Project Mercury and other missions in the 1960s. “It is a shameful aspect of our past that we ever ignored Miss Spencer’s powerhouse 2016 performance—instead choosing to focus on the important but widely acknowledged accomplishments of costars like Kevin Costner—and today I’m proud to make strides toward acknowledging her truly legendary contributions to cinematic history.” At press time, the agency went on to remedy another widely criticized misstep by unveiling the Kirsten Dunst Commemorative Launchpad.
What’s Behind The Recent Increase In Reports Of Fireworks? #~# Social media users in cities across the country have posted anecdotal reports that there seem to be many more fireworks than normal, leading city officials, law enforcement, and residents alike to speculate on their source. The Onion looks at the most logical explanations for a recent spike in fireworks.
Most Anticipated Games Of The Summer #~# Cyberpunk 2077: Arguably the most highly anticipated game of the summer, and following another delay, it will be the most anticipated game of the holiday season, after which it will become the most anticipated game of summer 2021.
Mental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth Of July RPGs #~# We’ve got the latest tips on how you can celebrate more considerately while still taking part in the annual holiday tradition of shooting off high-caliber war weaponry. 
Giant Sahara Desert Dust Plume Headed For U.S. #~# An unusually dense plume of dust from the Sahara in Northern Africa has traveled across the Atlantic and is blanketing the Caribbean, darkening skies and lowering air quality as it makes its way toward the United States. What do you think?
Bayer To Pay $10 Billion In Roundup Settlement #~# Bayer has agreed to pay $10 billion to settle over 95,000 individual claims that their weedkiller Roundup causes cancer, with $1.25 billion earmarked for future claims of people who developed non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma after being exposed to the product. What do you think?
Heaven Flush With Cash After Trump Administration Sends $1.4 Billion In Stimulus To Dead Americans #~# THE HEAVENS—Expressing their excitement over the unexpected windfall, heavenly sources confirmed Thursday that eternal paradise was flush with cash after the Trump administration sent $1.4 billion in stimulus funds to dead Americans. “I felt a little guilty about spending my check because I didn’t really need the money, but I’ll admit, it’s been nice to go out to eat more and finish up a few DIY projects I’ve been working on around the firmament,” said the departed soul of Henry Davies, telling reporters that the sizable cash infusion had helped buoy the flagging tourism industry for popular afterworld spots like Valhalla and the River Lethe. “It’s nice to see people out and about in the Kingdom of God spending freely, and we’re expecting a second round of stimulus checks soon as well as a massive influx of deceased Americans, so the economy should be booming for the foreseeable future. It’s a great time to be dead!” Davies went on to admit some frustration that the $1,200 per person didn’t come close to the massive corporate giveaway Congress had approved for businesses based in Hell. 
Jilted Lover Keying Cheater’s Car Realizes She Should Have Started Further Over #~# CINCINNATI—Reluctantly admitting there was no way to neatly fit the entire string of profanities onto the vehicle now, jilted lover Marcia Yarbury told reporters Thursday that she should have started further over while keying her cheating boyfriend’s car. “Seriously, why didn’t I start closer to the front of the car—I wanted to write ‘fuck you, cheating bastard,’ but now I barely have room and the last couple words are all scrunched up and look like shit,” said Yarbury, who then stepped back, tilted her head, and screamed after noticing that “bastard” was slanting downwards and barely legible. “Ugh, it looks like a child scratched those swear words into the paint. I should have done the smart thing and just used a pencil to sketch what I wanted to carve in the first place. You know what—maybe if I just turn some of these letters into a giant dick and balls, Sharpie in his phone number, and smash some windows, this might not end up looking so bad.” At press time, sources told reporters that Yarbury had eventually become so frustrated that she’d opted to scrap the project entirely and just set the car on fire. 
Tide Accused Of Over-Inflating Number Of Children Who Roll Around In Mud Puddles Before Running Into House #~# FCC regulators are cracking down on the popular detergent brand after years of lying to the American public. Hear how Tide is responding to allegations that they tricked consumers into purchasing their product by wildly over-inflating the number of instances huge jugs of cranberry juice were spilled by children onto their perfectly white jumpers.
Segway Suspends Scooter Production #~# Owners of the Segway brand say they will stop manufacturing the iconic two-wheeled motorized scooter, which has sold only 140,000 units since it was introduced in 2001. What do you think?
Researchers Predict Pandemic Could Result In 500,000 Fewer U.S. Births #~# Experts at the Brookings Institution say the economic and social hardships created by Covid-19 could result in a “baby bust” where the U.S. could expect to see 300,000 to 500,000 fewer infants born over the next few years. What do you think?
Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary #~# WASHINGTON—Following the progressive challenger’s victory over 16-term incumbent Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi phoned Jamaal Bowman to scold him for winning his primary race, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I just wanted to call and personally reprimand you for your victory,” said Pelosi, extending her sincerest indignation to the former Bronx middle school educator, who is expected to easily win the general election in his heavily Democratic congressional district. “I understand there are some mail-in ballots that still need to be counted, but it appears you won big last night and energized a lot of first-time voters and young people we absolutely did not want voting in this primary. So allow me to extend my sincerest fuck-you for everything you’ve done. Obviously, we’re going to be working together soon, so I look forward to crushing you the first chance I get.” Pelosi added that when things became official in November, she would call again to express how frustrated she was to welcome Bowman to Congress.
Gamers, We Just Spent 4 Days Trapped In A Rolled-Over Minivan And We’re Genuinely Pissed That Nobody Reported Us Missing When We Didn’t Cover The ‘Ratchet & Clank’ News #~# We here at OGN take pride in our readership. We consider you all to be loyal fans who relish our writers’ dedication to this staff’s work. Or, at least, we used to think that about you. Not anymore, though. Why are we angry, you ask?
Defiant Florida Officials Announce They Will Ignore Saudi Government Lockdown By Holding Hajj To Mecca #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Declaring that no federal authority could infringe upon state residents’ freedom to go where they pleased, defiant Florida officials announced Wednesday that they will ignore Saudi Arabia’s government lockdown by holding a hajj to Mecca. “No federal authority can use the exaggerated threat of coronavirus to violate all Floridians’ constitutional right to make their pilgrimage to Mecca, and we refuse to comply with this clear abuse of power by the Saudi government,” said a visibily outraged Gov. Ron DeSantis at a press conference, adding that Saudi officials’ decision to limit the annual pilgrimage to the sacred birthplace of Muhammad to just residents of the kingdom was clearly overriden by phase 3 guidelines in Florida’s reopening process. “Look, the Saudi government can say whatever it wants, but what about states’ rights? We must rise up against this government tyranny, because they have no right to stop any Floridian from making the journey to the Kaaba. In fact, we are encouraging all Florida residents to assert their right to perform the rites of the hajj in the holy city of Mecca and enjoy their constitutional freedom to properly honor Muhammad. We will also challenge any mosque that prohibits entry because a Florida resident isn’t wearing a mask.” State officials added that if any Floridian gets coronavirus from their hajj, it was simply because Allah has willed it.
Employee Leaves Performance Review With Clear, Identifiable Goal Of Surrendering To The Void #~# CINCINNATI—Saying the conversation with his manager had really helped him see the next steps for his time at the company, Celera Solutions employees Marcus Parker told reporters Wednesday that he had left a recent performance review with the clear, identifiable goal of surrendering to the void. “It wasn’t too long of a meeting, but hearing my boss tell me exactly where I’ve been coming up short this past year provided the perfect roadmap for giving myself over to the universe’s inherent meaninglessness,” said Parker, describing the process of gradually dissociating as he listened to his superior describe his failures in excruciating detail and why he would not be receiving an annual raise as a great way to set up the goal posts that he would need to eventually cast himself into the harrowing emptiness of life itself. “It’s easy to miss the forest for the trees, which is why it was so nice to have this open point-by-point discussion where I could really see that there is an infinite sadness underneath every action I take at this office and, actually, the world itself. Now I just have to keep my eye on the prize and continue following this game plan we drew up together, and I’ll probably be capitulating to the oppressive and absurd dirge of existence by the fourth quarter or so. Man, that’d be pretty nifty.” At press time, Parker was attempting to stay on track by using a visualization exercise recommended by his supervisor in which he closed his eyes and pictured himself hurling into the cosmic horror of deep space.
Pros And Cons Of D.C. Statehood #~# The movement to make Washington, D.C. the nation’s 51st state has continued to gain momentum and is emerging as a significant issue in an increasingly polarized country, but the proposal has many critics. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of granting D.C. statehood.
Officials Warn Defunding Police Could Lead To Spike In Crime From Ex-Officers With No Outlet For Violence #~# LOS ANGELES—Insisting their department provided crucial services that help maintain order in the city, law enforcement officials warned Wednesday that defunding the police could lead to a spike in crime from ex-officers with no outlet for their violence. “The truth is that there are violent people in our society, and we need a police department so they have somewhere to go during the day to channel their rage,” said L.A. police chief Michel Moore, telling reporters that without proper resources, his team would be powerless to take these aggressive individuals off the streets and throw them into a police academy. “If these cuts are allowed to continue, we could be looking at a very real future where someone with a history of domestic abuse is able to terrorize their spouse with impunity instead of being occupied testing out new tactical military equipment or pepper-spraying some random teens. The fact that these dangerous attackers and killers are being gainfully employed by the LAPD is the only thing standing between us and complete chaos.” Moore added that even minor budget cuts could lead to repeat violent offenders walking free instead of spending 10 to 15 years behind a sergeant’s desk. 
IBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their Celebrity Doppelganger #~# Plus, life in New York City is returning to normal, but not without some precautions for commuters. We’ve got the latest on the best ways to disinfect that subway pole before you lick it.
Milky Way Could Harbor 6 Billion Earth-Like Planets #~# New calculations reveal the galaxy may be host to nearly six billion rocky, Earth-sized planets that orbit stars at a distance where liquid water could exist on the surface. What do you think?
Realtor Thinks Flourishing Neighborhood Full Of Middle-Class Latino Families Has Real Turnaround Potential #~# CHICAGO—Calling it the next “hot, up-and-coming spot” for young professionals, local real estate agent Angela Kirkman stated Tuesday that she believed a flourishing neighborhood full of middle-class Latino families with deep roots in the area had great turnaround potential. “Look, I’ve been in this business a while, and I’m telling you, between the bustling Puerto Rican storefronts, historic family homes, and beautifully maintained parks, all this place needs is a good bulldozing and several dozen towering, high-end condos,” Kirkman said as she drove through the tight-knit, culturally rich neighborhood, pointing out locations on the thriving main drag where a mini Target, Philz Coffee, or Chipotle were “just begging to be opened.” “When you think about how many generations some of these families have lived here, you realize there must be something pretty great about it. Granted, we’re still three to five years away from our clients feeling comfortable about moving to this area with their kids, but with a little elbow grease, we’ll get all the flags, loud music, ice cream guys, and family cookouts cleared out. Call me crazy, but I just love the vibe of this place.” At press time, Kirkman had reportedly pulled over to take a photo of herself in front of a beloved community mural, commenting that it would be a highly lucrative spot for a billboard. 
Biden Agrees To 3 Debates With Trump #~# The Joe Biden campaign announced Monday that the former vice president will participate in three previously scheduled debates against Donald Trump, while criticizing the Trump campaign’s push to add more debates and to help pick the moderators. What do you think?
MLS Commissioner Relieved That Nobody Knows Him By Name #~# NEW YORK—Thanking God that he has been able to navigate both the pandemic and national conversation on racism without a single person being able to call him out, the MLS commissioner told reporters Tuesday he was relieved nobody actually knows him by name. “Rob Manfred is swamped with people attacking him every day, meanwhile we’re getting ready to restart and I haven’t heard a thing because most fans, and even reporters, wouldn’t be able to pick me out of a police lineup,” said the commissioner, who claimed he’ll often go completely unrecognized at MLS games and sometimes even in his own office. “My life could be so much harder right now. Nobody expects a statement from me about racism because nobody would even know who to ask. I could let fans back into the games and not hear a thing. I bet most of the players don’t even know who I am.” At press time, thousands of complaints about player safety had been delivered to the home of presumed MLS commissioner Landon Donovan.
Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans #~# STANFORD, CA—Highlighting the consequences of decades of U.S. policies that have contributed to rising economic inequality, a new study released Tuesday by Stanford University’s Center on Poverty and Inequality found a widening gap between the nation’s rich pets and poor citizens. “Our data shows a rapidly increasing disparity between Americans living in poverty and the top 1% of Americans’ pets,” said study co-author Madeline Greggs, adding that from access to high-quality food and stable housing to consistent medical care, the average pet of a rich American family had a significantly higher quality of life than a vast majority of low-income Americans. “Since the 1970s, economic growth has slowed for all but a tiny fraction of Americans and their pets, such that not only are the vast majority of luxury goods much more available to these purebred dogs, cats, and chinchillas than the average person, rich pets enjoy lavish lifestyles that many U.S. citizens could only dream of.” The report concluded by suggesting that the most viable path to prosperity for low-income Americans was becoming a wealthy family’s pet.
Heavily Armed Self-Help Gurus Demand America Reopens Their Hearts #~# WASHINGTON—Following months of lockdown due to the Covid-19 pandemic, an angry mob of heavily armed self-help gurus reportedly demanded Tuesday that Americans reopen their hearts. “It’s time for U.S. citizens to find a way to look inwards and embrace their own divinity or face the inevitable consequences,” said an AK-47 toting Brené Brown, wielding her weapon and threatening untold violence if the nation didn’t immediately allow itself to be vulnerable in an effort to accomplish its goals. “Our founding fathers created this country as a haven away from that little voice in your head that says ‘No.’ Frankly, it’s unconstitutional to deny others a glimpse of your true inner self. We will uphold the American ideal of love and acceptance with blood if necessary.” At press time, Marianne Williamson slammed a magazine into her FN SCAR and vowed to unleash hell on Earth until the nation welcomed the healing power of crystals. 
Red Cross Announces It’s Fine Not To Perform Life-Saving Mouth-To-Mouth On Someone Who’s Not Your Type #~# Knowing how to properly administer CPR could mean the difference between life and death. But what if the person lying unconscious isn’t really the type of person you would normally go for? We’ve got the latest on how to best peel back a person’s unresponsive eyelids to check for sparks.
Ford Delays Launch Of New Bronco To Avoid O.J. Simpson’s Birthday #~# Ford Motor Company announced they will move the planned debut of the new Bronco from July 9 to July 13 after learning the original launch date coincided with O.J. Simpson’s birthday. What do you think?
White House Announces Entire U.S. Populace Of 6,200 Attended Trump’s Tulsa Rally #~# WASHINGTON—Seeking to counter the narrative put forward by the mainstream media, the Trump administration announced Monday that the entire U.S. populace of 6,200 had attended the president’s recent rally in Tulsa. “Despite what the fake news at CNN and MSNBC would have you believe, President Trump was honored by the fact that every citizen of the United States, nearly 7,000 people, showed up to this historic event,” said Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, noting that unscrupulous news outlets had seized on the fact that the Bank of Oklahoma Center is a large stadium whose capacity was several times that of the U.S population in order to discredit the president. “It’s unfortunate that the media would take a beautiful event like this, at which every single person in America turned out to show their love of President Trump, and make it into something negative. It’s particularly pathetic given that, of course, every member of every network and newspaper was also in attendance.” McEnany went on to clarify that any people seen walking around outside the arena during the rally were in fact illegal immigrants from Mexico. 
Facebook Announces Plan To Break Up U.S. Government Before It Becomes Too Powerful #~# MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to curtail the organization’s outsized influence, Facebook announced Monday that it would be implementing new steps to ensure the breakup of the U.S. government before it becomes too powerful. “It’s long past time for us to take concrete actions against this behemoth of governance that has gone essentially unchecked since its inception,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, noting that while the governing body may have begun with good intentions, its history showed a culture of recklessness and a dangerous disregard for the consequences of its decisions. “Unfortunately, those at the top have been repeatedly contemptuous of the very idea of accountability or reform, and our only remaining course is to separate the government into smaller chunks to prevent it from forming an even stronger monopoly over the public.” Zuckerberg closed his remarks with repeated assurances that despite a likely legal battle ahead, no one government could stand up to the fortitude of Facebook.
Biden Outraises Trump For First Time #~# Former Vice President Joe Biden’s campaign raised $80.8 million in May compared to the Trump campaign’s $74 million, the first month of the election since Bernie Sanders dropped out the race and endorsed Biden for president. What do you think?
Dog Owner Not Sure How City Expects Her To Pick Up Every Drop Of Dog Piss In Little Bag #~# CHICAGO—Letting out a frustrated sigh as her dog once again squatted down to relieve itself, local woman Shelly Reed told reporters Monday that she wasn’t sure how the city expected her to pick up every drop of dog piss in a little bag. “Look, I’m a responsible dog owner, and I’ve been one all my life, but if you expect me to pay a $250 fine every time I leave a harmless little bead of dog urine on the ground, you’re crazy,” said Reed, adding that even though she tried her best, it would be basically impossible for her to sop up the liters of piss her dog routinely released into the grass. “I know we all have to work to keep the neighborhood clean, but I’d like to see our government officials try kneeling down beneath their dog and catching whatever liquid waste comes out into a tiny little plastic bag. Seriously, this happens 25 times per walk, and me filling up our trash cans and landfills with gallons of dog pee isn’t going to help our city’s rat problem either.” At press time, Reed shrugged and told reporters that so long as no one was around to see her dog piss, she was just going to go ahead and leave it.
Public Pressure Mounts For U.S. Government To Stop Designating KKK As 501(c)(3) Nonprofit #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that enough was enough and that the nation’s officials needed to stand up to the organization, public pressure was reportedly mounting on Monday for the U.S. government to stop designating the Ku Klux Klan a 501(c)(3) nonprofit. “Look, there was a time when it made sense to exempt the KKK from federal income taxes on the basis of the services they provide, but it’s far past time for us to acknowledge that they are clearly a for-profit hate group,” said South Carolina resident Pete Hutchings, echoing the demands of Americans across the country, adding that permitting the KKK to exist as a 501(c) nonprofit organization was a moral stain on the United States tax code. “There comes a time when you have to look at an organization like the KKK and acknowledge that even if they do some good for their communities, they are simply not structured as a charitable organization, and they ought to be paying taxes like the rest of us. And look, times change, and there’s no shame in being profitable—we just want them to pay their fair share.” At press time, hundreds of thousands of Americans had signed a petition demanding that the U.S. government hold the KKK accountable for back taxes if they fail to pay their corporate income taxes once their nonprofit status is revoked.
Congress Announces Willingness To Give Black Lives Matters Protestors Statue Or Holiday #~# Lawmakers are finally taking action amid waves of police brutality, announcing their commitment to offer members of the BLM movement a nice memorial or plaque or day off work or something.
Mental Health Experts Advise On Best Ways To Combat Intrusive Thoughts Of Your Father Naked #~# It’s an affliction many don’t like to talk about, but one that more and more people are suffering from each day, especially around this time of year. Hear how you can keep the image of your father’s nude and weathered body out of your psyche most effectively.
The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Dad Who Has It All #~# Stuck last minute trying to figure out a gift for the father who has everything he possibly needs? Well, these unique gift ideas will let your dad know you’ve been thinking about him.
Huh, Boyfriend’s Ex Just Made Interesting Hair Choice #~# AUSTIN, TX—After a routine inspection of a mutual acquaintance’s Instagram page, local woman Alison Hannon remarked Monday that, huh, her boyfriend’s ex seems to have just made an interesting hair choice. “Well, that’s definitely a bold move for her face type, but hopefully it works out for her,” said Hannon, clicking on several subsequent photographs while observing that this was an especially unconventional style choice considering the woman’s stringier hair texture, but, hey, maybe that was what she wanted. “Then again, it sort of goes with her unique sense of style. Good for her for trying something, you know?” At press time, Hannon was speculating that perhaps the woman’s current boyfriend liked the haircut before remembering with surprise that she hadn’t had one for three years.
‘It’s Perfect Outside,’ Announces Sweating Woman Slowly Losing Consciousness In Middle Of Heatstroke #~# SKOKIE, IL—Visibly sweating under the scorching summer sun, local woman Chloe Baumgartner reportedly announced “It’s perfect outside” Friday while slowly losing consciousness in the middle of a heatstroke. “What a lovely day,” said Baumgartner, who slurred her words as she admired the unseasonably warm June weather, gasping for air in a total state of delirium. “Who could stay inside on a day like this?” the 32-year-old noted, stumbling forward and trying to maintain balance as her vital organs began to shut down one by one. “It just feels so good,” Baumgarnter added, her body collapsing onto the hot pavement. At press time, Baumgartner had succumbed to the elements after cheerfully remarking that there wasn’t a sun in the sky. 
Man Hates How Hot Dog-Eating Contests Reduce Art Of Eating Hot Dogs To A Competition #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—Defending the deeply personal pursuit of choking down as many ballpark franks as you can cram into your mouth, local man Tim Aveline told reporters Friday he hated how hot-dog-eating contests have reduced the art of eating hot dogs to mere competition. “It’s really gross how these events where they hand out big prizes have exploited our passion for gorging on handful after handful of hot dogs and buns that have been dunked in water to speed their way down our throats,” said Aveline, explaining that a lot of the best hot-dog eaters were not even included in such competitive showcases because they worked outside of mainstream channels or simply did not know the right people. “The crass practice of pitting one person against another in competition strips away everything that makes the craft of eating 60 or 70 hot dogs in 10 minutes such a delicate, highly individual process. There is a unique beauty in the way each practitioner suppresses their gag reflex in order to swallow processed meat as efficiently as possible, and the poignancy of these genuine aesthetic achievements are trivialized when we make it all about winning and losing. Eating so many hot dogs that it makes you violently ill should be a reward unto itself.” Aveline went on to suggest that competitors like world champion eater Joey Chestnut were really more about sex appeal than artistry.
Kristen Stewart To Play Princess Diana In Upcoming Biopic #~# Twilight star Kristen Stewart is set to play Princess Diana in an upcoming film which focuses on a weekend in the early 1990s when Diana decided she could no longer be married to Prince Charles. What do you think?
Resigned Pew Research Study Has No Fucking Clue What’s Going On With 15% Of Americans #~# WASHINGTON—Classifying millions of citizens around the country as “total goddamn mysteries,” a resigned Pew Research study released Friday found it was impossible to determine what the fuck was going on with 15% of Americans. “After an exhaustive, year-long venture, we are still just as confused, if not more confused, about what the deal is with all these indecipherable weirdos,” said lead researcher Jenna Kirkman, before throwing her arms into the air, and calling a large portion of Americans “lost causes.” “According to our very frustrating research, a large portion of Americans are just freaks who will never be understood, no matter how hard we try. Are they happy? Sad? Old? Young? Unfortunately, because so much of the nation are just total fucking randos, we may never actually know.” At press time, Kirkman added that the remaining 85% of Americans were basic as shit, allowing researchers to easily parse every detail about their boring, miserable lives. 
Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, Uncle Ben’s Brands To Be Overhauled #~# The parent companies of Aunt Jemima pancake mix, Mrs. Butterworth syrup, and Uncle Ben’s rice have each announced this week plans to revamp or fully retire the brands, acknowledging the racist origins of the images. What do you think?
White House Toilet Doesn’t Know If It Can Handle Another 4 Years Of Trump #~# WASHINGTON—Shuddering at the thought of what another term would bring, a White House toilet reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that it didn’t know if it could handle another four years of President Donald Trump. “I know I’m supposed to be apolitical and serve at the pleasure of the president, whoever it is, but I truly don’t think that I can take it if Trump wins reelection,” said the porcelain commode, explaining that it had served honorably through several administrations and had never experienced anything as unspeakable as Trump’s bowel movements. “I thought that maybe the office would change him, but if anything, he’s only gotten worse. I’m honestly surprised I’ve made it this long. Every day is such a slog. Honestly, I’m at my breaking point. Biden isn’t perfect by any means, but he’d certainly be an improvement. The sink doesn’t get what my deal is, but obviously she doesn’t understand because she’s never been used.” At press time, the White House toilet claimed to be most worried about the possibility of Trump refusing to give up the bathroom voluntarily in November.
Kentucky Attorney General So Starstruck By Letter From Beyoncé He Unable To Even Read What It’s About #~# FRANKFORT, KY—Describing feelings of excitement despite social unrest and an inundation of calls for justice after the extrajudicial murder of Breonna Taylor, Kentucky attorney general Daniel Cameron was reportedly so starstruck this week by the open letter penned to him by world-famous singer–songwriter Beyoncé that he was unable to read what it was about. “Oh my god, oh my god, wow, I can’t believe Queen Bey would want to write a letter to me!” said Cameron before reportedly clapping while he jumped up and down, assuming he was being invited to be a backup dancer or receive VIP backstage passes to her next stadium tour. “I have been a huge fan ever since Destiny’s Child. Work has been really stressful lately, so getting this is just an amazing gift, this is so crazy! My hands are shaking, I don’t even know why someone famous like her would want to talk to me!” At press time, Cameron had crumpled up the letter after realizing it called for the arrest of the officers who murdered Breonna Taylor. 
Researchers Find Crows Smart Enough Not To Let On How Smart They Really Are #~# SEATTLE—Concluding that the species is far more advanced than it pretends to be, researchers at the University of Washington have found that crows are smart enough not to let on how smart they really are, according to a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Field Ornithology. “After closely examining a variety of different crows over a series of months, we have concluded that their brains are so highly developed that they are actually able to play dumb,” said biologist Eugene Russo, adding that members of the Corvus genus have the cognitive capacities required to play their cards close to their chest and keep mum when it suits their interests, extraordinary behaviors not witnessed in any of their fellow bird species. “Beyond their well-known abilities to use tools and recognize faces, we cannot be certain what advanced skills they may be hiding, given that they can choose to act completely clueless and dimwitted in any situation they wish. It’s hard to get a read on crows. We haven’t even tried to place them on the avian IQ scale, because they probably have all kinds of street smarts that we don’t know about and that our metrics wouldn’t be able to account for anyway.” Russo went on to state that emus, however, are just as goddamn stupid as they appear to be.
Sony Reveals PS5 Fully Customizable With Different Little Hats #~# NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the new feature would represent the cutting edge of what the next generation has to offer, Sony revealed Thursday that the PlayStation 5 will be a fully customizable console that allows users to put different hats atop it. “We designed the PlayStation 5 from the ground up with player customization in mind, which is why we’re letting gamers everywhere place a little baseball cap or fedora on the console,” said Sony Interactive Entertainment president Jim Ryan, noting that gamers had never before experienced the thrill of personalization offered by adorning their PlayStations with a small fez, tyrolean cap, or jaunty cabbie’s hat. “That means that if you’re playing a more serious title like The Last Of Us Part II, you might opt for a formal homburg hat to honor the occasion. Whereas if you’re going for a more fun-loving look, you might try a tiny porkpie hat and, who knows, maybe even a paisley scarf. This is what the next generation is all about, and we at Sony could not be more excited to finally offer it for a mere $14.99 per hat.” Ryan cautioned, however, that due to vent placement, gamers could not put a hat on the console and then play it for longer than 15 minutes without creating a serious fire hazard that could threaten the lives of them and their families.
Report: This A Goddamn Walk In The Park Compared To What’s Coming In 2027 #~# WASHINGTON—Suggesting that Americans should enjoy these halcyon days while they still can, a new report from the Pew Research Center confirmed Thursday that this is a goddamn walk in the park compared to what’s coming in 2027. “Our research has found that if you think you’re stressed out now, savor it, because all of this is a drop in the ocean in contrast to what’s coming down the pike,” said report co-author Nancy Keaty, who explained that all data indicated things were about to get “real bad, hoo boy” in ways that were impossible to be prevented or corrected. “Buckle the fuck up, because shit is about to hit the fan. You might feel like everything that is happening right now is preparing you for something later. It’s not. You won’t be prepared at all. Seriously, all 328 million of you better hold onto your asses. Well, the 150 million of you who will be left by then.” At press time, Keaty added that 2029 wouldn’t exactly be a piece of cake either.
Jimmy Carter Checks Into Rehab For Debilitating House-Building Addiction #~# Hear how an apparent three-day house-building bender led the former president to finally seek help, and just what it will take for him to kick the habit for good.
American Airlines Suspends Alcohol Service For Economy Class #~# American Airlines announced this week that due to coronavirus fears they will no longer sell alcohol on flights in an effort to reduce the amount of time passengers spend with their masks off, but that the ban does not apply to people in first class. What do you think?
Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy #~# SIOUX FALLS, SD—Wielding assault rifles and chanting “smarter than the average bear” as they gathered around the cartoon character, heavily armed fans reportedly guarded a statue of Yogi Bear Wednesday on the off chance that he turned out to have supported the confederacy. “We will lay down our lives to protect this monument to Jellystone’s finest bear, whether or not he happened to be a defender of Southern slave states,” said Phil Markey, 43, echoing dozens of other protesters who pledged to march day and night in case activists discovered Yogi Bear did, in fact, support the Confederacy and attempted to deface or destroy his statue, arguing that the social justice warriors ignored the cartoon bear’s kindness to Boo-Boo Bear and well-known contributions to stealing “pic-a-nic baskets.” “Whether or not he was a lackey for Jefferson Davis—and, again, we don’t really know this—Yogi Bear is part of this nation’s rich history. You cannot simply erase his escapades with Ranger Smith.” At press time, the group’s leader was arguing this could all be a slippery slope to removing Yakky Doodle or Snagglepuss statues, or even shaming someone for simply singing “Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear” in public.
7-Eleven Cancels Free Slurpee Day #~# Convenience store chain 7-Eleven confirmed they will cancel this year’s Free Slurpee Day, scheduled for July 11, due to “uncertainties associated with the Covid-19 pandemic.” What do you think?
William Howard Taft Historian Confident Solution To Nation’s Troubles Can Be Found In Storied Career Of William Howard Taft #~# PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the parallels with our age were almost uncanny, William Howard Taft historian B.R. Carter told reporters Wednesday that he was confident the solution to our nation’s troubles could be found in the storied career of William Howard Taft. “America is fractured, but I’m sure that a balm to this badly divided nation lies somewhere in the wise words of the 27th president,” said Carter, who noted that his friendship and falling out with Teddy Roosevelt was a tale with many lessons that would undoubtedly resonate in these distraught times. “We are certainly living in Taftian times, to say the least. Perhaps if we stopped arguing and read up on his support for lower tariffs or his second career as chief justice of the Supreme Court in my illuminating biography Taft: Man Of Vision, we could find a way forward. Right now, the entire nation should be looking to Taft.” Carter added that Taft’s great quote, “A man never knows exactly how the child of his brain will strike other people,” rings more true today than ever.
NASA Launches Paparazzo Rover In Beverly Hills To Search For Signs Of Salacious Celebrity Life #~# BEVERLY HILLS—Emphasizing that the mission would finally give humans unprecedented access to juicy, A-list action, NASA scientists told reporters Wednesday that they had launched a paparazzo rover in Beverly Hills to search for signs of salacious celebrity life. “After years of simply researching from afar, NASA’s new paparazzo rover will allow scientists to prove once and for all that celebs are not just out there, but that they are a drunken, sloppy mess,” said spokeswoman Hayley Emmanuel, who added that the unmanned vehicle, which cost 3.5 billion dollars, was fully equipped with heat sensors and infrared detectors as well as a 600 mm telephoto lens capable of detecting a nip slip, cellulite, or weight gain from hundreds of feet away. “For the next several years, we hope this revolutionary device will allow humans to traverse Rodeo Drive and document celebrity shenanigans in vivid color. Imagine, being able to see a high-as-hell Miley Cyrus fighting tooth and nail with a bouncer, or analyze a high-res image of Ben Affleck’s back tattoo. At this point, we can’t even imagine what that will look like, but we know it will be spectacular.” At press time, NASA had announced the rover was in grave danger of powering down after it accidentally flipped over near the Beverly Hills Hotel, leaving its solar panels facing the wrong direction. 
Sweat-Soaked Mattress Praying This The Year Couple Invests In Air Conditioner #~# CHICAGO—Finding itself desperately uncertain that it could take it much longer, the sweat-soaked mattress belonging to Jared and Carla Ames prayed Wednesday that this would be the year the couple finally invested in air conditioning. “It’s pricey, I get it, but for Christ’s sake, I’m literally drowning here and these fans are doing less than jack shit,” said the queen-sized mattress, which claimed it has spent the last five summers yearning with every ounce of its memory foam core for a higher power to intervene and compel the couple to splurge on a window unit. “I start every night warm and reach every morning absolutely sopping wet. This can’t go on. Changing the sheets doesn’t do a thing. I’m constantly damp, and I smell like absolute shit. Mildew can’t be far off. I look like they found me in an alley.” At press time, the mattress was praying the couple would discover the $10,000 in cash stuffed inside of it and move to an apartment with central air. 
Manipulative Stepmom Only Married Dad So She Could Take Care Of Him Into Old Age #~# PENSACOLA, FL—Milking the aging man for all his love and affection, manipulative stepmother Tracy Duffield, 63, only married local dad Robert Morales, 77, so that she could take care of him as he grows old, sources reported Wednesday. “Ugh, she’s obviously just taking advantage of Dad’s vulnerable state by offering him companionship into his twilight years and, eventually, standing by his side as he slowly declines into senility,” said Duffield’s stepson Ben Morales, who explained that as soon as his father introduced her to the family, he knew she was only in it to cut up his dad’s food for him in the years when he was no longer able, and to one day sit at his bedside reading aloud to the semi-conscious man as he wasted away in hospice. “It’s disgusting the way Tracy lavishes Dad with attention and provides him with all the emotional support he never gets from us. If that bitch thinks she can swoop in and nurture him through an excruciating, drawn-out period of general deterioration and dementia during which he can’t even remember who she is, let alone return her love, she’s got another thing coming.” At press time, Ben insisted Duffield was trying to play his father for a fool by rushing him to the hospital for a life-saving emergency double bypass.
Report: There Already 5 Million Players Who Are Better Than You’ll Ever Be At ‘Valorant’ #~#  
Congress Moving Toward Safer Vote-By-Paper-Airplane Option #~# The proposed $2 trillion coronavirus relief bill includes provisions for quality printer paper Americans can use to construct a plane that’s sturdy but lightweight; simple but ingenious. Plus, we take a closer look at candy bars: Could America’s favorite vegetable be making you fat?
Disgusted Patio Diner Pretty Sure She Just Saw Coronavirus Scurry Into Bushes #~# NEW YORK—Commenting that there was “no way” the restaurant’s sanitation efforts were even close to acceptable, disgusted patio diner Caitlynn Simmons told reporters Wednesday she was pretty sure she just saw coronavirus scurry past her and into the bushes. “It was so gross, it ran from the inside of the restaurant right across my foot, and it felt wet,” said a visibly shuddering Simmons, as a nearby waiter rolled his eyes before commenting that this was bound to happen in a city that was infested with coronavirus. “Look, I’m just saying that it’s gross and it’s a hazard, so someone should call the health department if they have Covid-19 living back there in the kitchen. Plus, it’s not like diners are helping—two minutes ago, I saw the people at the table next to me sitting there, feeding it their fries.” At press time, Simmons remarked that even though it was gross, she couldn’t help but think the coronavirus babies she spotted living in the bushes were actually kind of cute.
2021 Oscars Postponed 2 Months #~# The 93rd Academy Awards, originally scheduled for February 2021, will be postponed until April to allow filmmakers more time to create and release their movies in the wake of the pandemic. What do you think?
Entire Oklahoma State Team To Boycott Season After Mike Gundy Seen In NCAA Shirt #~# STILLWATER, OK—Condemning the choice to promote such a blatantly bigoted organization, the entire Oklahoma State football team announced their intention Tuesday to boycott the season after Coach Mike Gundy was seen wearing an NCAA shirt. “The NCAA logo represents the very exploitation and racial injustice so many of us are fighting against, and it’s disgusting that Coach Gundy would promote them,” said running back Chuba Hubbard, who claimed every single player had vowed to take a stand and sit out the upcoming season unless Gundy changed the culture that would allow such a vile display of hatred. “We feel betrayed. With everything going on, it’s just unacceptable to not understand the oppression the NCAA stands for. We are working every day to bring about change in this world, and yet the person who leads us is so clueless that he goes and wears a shirt that might as well say, ‘I like racism.’ Until Coach Gundy can show he understands what the NCAA stands for, we will not be suiting up.” At press time, the team had also vowed not to resume play until Oklahoma State disassociated itself from the state of Oklahoma.
Scientists Discover Mysterious Radio Transmission From Space That Repeats 50-Minute Intervals Of Nonstop Classic Rock Blocks #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Expressing excitement over what could be a landmark discovery in the search for extraterrestrial life, scientists at the SETI Institute announced Tuesday they had received a mysterious radio transmission from space that repeats 50-minute intervals of nonstop classic rock blocks. “We detected a signal emanating from hundreds of thousands of lightyears away that, once deciphered, we realized was all the best hits from Zeppelin, Aerosmith, and the Doors in a back-to-back commercial-free format,” said SETI researcher Duane Hess, confirming that the transmission could potentially originate from an alien civilization of die-hard ’60s, ’70s, and ’80s rock fans. “Our technicians have been jamming out ever since we were able to position our satellites to pick up a clear frequency of the Who, which provided our strongest indication yet that we are not alone in our appreciation of iconic, album-oriented rock ’n’ roll. There remains much to be studied, including an unexplained phenomenon in which, on Tuesdays only, the signal transmits double shots of all our favorites, from the Eagles and Foreigner to Eddie Money and Billy Squier. It’s truly a groundbreaking development. We have noticed they tend to play the same songs quite a bit, though.” At press time, researchers were attempting to be the 10th civilization to make contact with the signal’s source in order to win a pair of VIP tickets to an upcoming Bad Company show.
42-Year-Old Man Still Unsure What His Interests Are #~# LAWRENCE, KS—Racking his brain for anything that he liked or an activity that could be considered a hobby, local 42-year-old man Dennis Ferraro told reporters Tuesday that he was still unsure what his interests are. “I have a dog, but I don’t think that counts as an interest, per se,” said a befuddled Ferraro, adding that he also enjoys movies, but doesn’t necessarily watch them any more than the average person, so he’s unsure if that counts either, a conclusion he had also reached about exercise, driving, and music. “I mean, I cook pretty regularly, but that’s not because I’m super into cooking; it’s mainly just to have food to eat. Gosh, this is tough. I asked my wife, and she didn’t really know either.” At press time, Ferraro had lost interest in trying to find out the answer.
Supreme Court Rules Federal Law Protects LGBT Workers #~# The Supreme Court voted 6-to-3 in a landmark ruling on Monday that Title VII of the Civil Rights Act, which bars discrimination based on sex, extends to include gender identity and sexual orientation. What do you think?
‘More Tranquil Dammit!’ Screams Perfectionist Ambient Sound Producer Demanding Another Take From Babbling Creek #~# BIG BEAR LAKE, CA—Holding the microphone up to the brook while trying to capture the perfect snippet of running water, Glenn Duncan, a perfectionist ambient sound producer, reportedly demanded another take from a babbling creek Tuesday, screaming at the body of water to be “More tranquil, dammit!” “Jesus fucking Christ, you call that being placid?” said Duncan at the small tributary, slating the 57th take of the day as he angrily instructed it to “do its fucking job” and flow over a moss-covered rock more slowly. “We’re going to be here until two in the morning if that’s what it’s going to take to get you to pour down that hill with peaceful grace and not like a fucking clumsy elephant. God, you know there’s a 100 other creeks I could be working with that actually know how to serenely trickle into a pond?” After finally capturing the perfect take, Duncan popped a bottle of champagne and told the stream, “You’re going to be a star, baby!”
Jeff Bezos Depressed After Realizing Net Worth Still Just Number Known To Man #~# SEATTLE—Feeling disheartened by the fact that the sum of his wealth could still be quantified in a comprehensible manner, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly became depressed Tuesday after realizing that his net worth was still just a number known to man. “Man, it really bums me out knowing that the amount of money I have is still within the realm of known mathematics,” said Bezos, adding that by this point in his career, he assumed the scale of his total earnings would no longer be fathomable by the minds of mere mortals. “People should be driven to madness when they lay their eyes upon my net worth, yet every pea-brained idiot out there has some sort of conception of how much $200 billion is. Seriously, the fact that my net worth isn’t just expressed by a Greek symbol makes it feel like I haven’t made any money at all.” At press time, Bezos lowered the wages of his warehouse workers even further in the hopes it would boost his earnings up to a level that’s outside the confines of conventional numbers.
NRA Receives Massive Funding Increase From Donors Held At Gunpoint #~# Lackluster fundraising efforts have led to serious financial struggles for the gun-rights advocacy group, but that might be about to change. Hear how the NRA is convincing more people than ever before to donate to their cause, and how you might be next.
Fantasy Baseball League Commissioner Knows Handling Of Pandemic Will Define His Legacy #~# BOCA RATON, FL—Closely following the negotiations between the players union and owners to be ready for any possible scenario, fantasy baseball league commissioner James Gagne admitted Tuesday that he knows his handling of the coronavirus pandemic will forever define his legacy. “This is the greatest challenge I’ve ever faced, and I know history will judge me for my response,” said Gagne, explaining that he had already collected league dues and “worked [his] ass off” to schedule an online draft before shelter-in-place orders began. “The guys are really counting on me to keep things fair no matter how crazy the schedule may be. At times, I’ve thought about just shutting it down for the season, but I don’t want anyone thinking I shrank from the moment. Covid-19 has wreaked havoc on so many fantasy leagues, and how I stand up right now will be how I’m remembered forever as a commissioner. The future of this league is in my hands.” At press time, Gagne sent an email to league members vowing not to let a potential work stoppage “destroy what [he] built” after losing his fantasy hockey league during the 2013 NHL lockout. 
Weight Watchers Debuts New Ad Asking If You Remember Time Grandma Said ‘Someone Got Heavy’ In Front Of Everybody #~# NEW YORK—Harkening back to all those times she used to strongly imply you were fat, Weight Watchers debuted a new television advertisement Tuesday that asks if you recall Grandma saying “My, someone got heavy!” in front of the whole family. “Remember when you arrived home for Thanksgiving and, as soon as she saw you, your grandmother remarked, ‘I can tell at least one of us is ready for dinner,’ while everyone else remained silent and pretended not to hear?” said a voice-over during the commercial, which featured an elderly woman who comments upon the “awfully healthy appetite” of a younger relative enjoying a second helping of mashed potatoes. “Of course you do. It was right before she asked if your weight made it difficult for you to find people to date. Does that jog your memory?” The 30-second spot concluded with an image of the beautiful wedding dress your grandma reportedly wanted to pass down to you but doesn’t think would fit anymore even if you could find a husband.
Melania Trump Renegotiated Prenup Before Moving Into White House #~# According to a forthcoming book, the first lady refused to move into the White House until her prenuptial agreement was renegotiated to include a proper inheritance and dual Slovenian-American citizenship for her son Barron, so he could one day work for the Trump Organization in Europe. What do you think?
The Biggest Titles Announced At The PS5 Game Lineup Event #~# Lo and behold, gamers! With the announcement of the Playstation 5’s launch lineup late last week, the next generation is finally upon us. Here are some of the titles we’re most excited to get our hands on to really get a taste of the promised revolution in mind-melting graphics, pulse-pounding gameplay, and all-out immersiveness.
‘So, It Means Making The Police Lose Their Homes And Forcing Them To Get A Divorce?’ Says Nation Still Struggling To Understand How Defunding The Police Works #~# WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly confused by the concept of shifting law enforcement resources, a head-scratching nation asked, “So, it means making the police lose their homes and forcing them to get a divorce” Monday while struggling to understand how defunding the police could work. “It just doesn’t seem like making all police officers homeless and depriving them of their family’s love is very realistic when you think about it,” said 328 million Americans, noting that at least some funds should be saved for officer’s uniforms so they don’t have to respond to emergency calls wearing nothing but pickle barrels. “I’m really trying to figure out how our court system is supposed to handle millions of police officers riding in boxcar trains across the country to file for divorce. They aren’t going to be able to do their jobs when they’re only allowed to eat cigarettes and get pelted with rotten eggs instead of being paid, so I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around how this is a feasible plan. I’m not trying to be deliberately ignorant; just explain how everyone adopting a police officer and raising him or her as their own child is a real solution. I don’t think I have a big enough crib.” At press time, the U.S. populace went on to express that they couldn’t support abolishing the police if that meant loading them into a cannon and shooting them into space.
36-Year-Old Man Begins Outlining A Savings Plan For PS5 #~# SACRAMENTO—Admitting that he needed to operate within a strict budget if he was ever going to afford such a purchase, 36-year-old Brandon Miller reportedly began outlining a savings plan Monday for a Sony PS5 console. “Let’s see, it looks like I’ll have to set aside—ouch—about $15 extra every paycheck,” said Miller, adding that by reducing pizza orders to three times a week, he could begin to put together a “nice little nest egg to start saving for that bad boy.” “Maybe I can call my dad and see if he’ll put me back on the family cell phone plan. That would help a ton. I’m pretty confident that with a year or two of diligence I can do this. Hopefully, Mom can give me my birthday and Christmas money early. This isn’t going to be easy, but I might be able to trade in some of my PS4 games for credit.” At press time, Miller was spotted dialing up an old buddy who worked at Best Buy in high school to see if he could get him a deal.
Covid-19 Cases Spike In 21 States #~# New analysis shows that 21 states have experienced a jump in the number of coronavirus infections compared to two weeks ago, which health experts say is tied both to increased testing and the lifting of stay-at-home orders. What do you think?
Adidas Unveils New Line Of Soccer Stuff #~# PORTLAND, OR—Boasting that the products will help boost soccer performance in all the areas that matter to soccer players, Adidas held a press conference Monday where they unveiled a new line of soccer stuff. “We are gonna have all sorts of new soccer things coming out, from soccer leg stuff to stuff for when you are practicing soccer, Adidas is a leader in all the items made for soccer,” said spokesperson Marc Alvarez, who claimed that Adidas soccer-likers had been working with the most advanced soccerologists to learn exactly what would help all the soccer stars out there perform at soccer. “Soccer people are going to love running around and playing soccer in our amazing soccer gear. Balls, soccer shirts with technology that wicks soccer sweat and targets soccer areas, even shoulder pads, and all of it will be available in all the soccer colors. We’ll be showing it off later this week once Messi comes in and models it. Or wait, is Messi the tennis guy?” Alvarez added that as part of a nationwide soccer ad campaign, Adidas would be the primary sponsor of this year’s Super Soccer Cup.
Amazon Temporarily Halts Police Use Of Facial Recognition Software Until It Can Perfect ‘Other Faces You Might Be Interested In’ Feature #~# SEATTLE—Suspending the service subscribed to by more than 1,350 police departments nationwide, Amazon announced this week it would halt use of its facial recognition software by law enforcement until the company could perfect its “Other Faces You Might Be Interested In” feature. “We have chosen to place a one-year moratorium on police access to our Rekognition platform so we can work on the function that suggests new suspects based on how similar their faces are to other people an officer has detained,” said CEO Jeff Bezos, who explained that the product did not currently meet Amazon’s efficacy standards when providing police with a list of individuals inspired by the neighborhoods in which a department typically makes its arrests. “Rest assured, we have many talented coders hard at work sequencing the faces of individuals law enforcement may wish to apprehend because they have certain visible indicators in common with the current prison population. This decision to pause access comes after several glitches were reported, including one that somehow allowed police officers themselves to be included among the list of suggested faces.” At press time, Amazon had reportedly offered as a concession free same-day shipping on any evidence police forces might need to plant until the issue was resolved.
Former DEA Officer Pleads Guilty To Posing As CIA Agent In Fraud Scheme #~# Ex-DEA officer Garrison Kenneth Courtney admitted in court last Thursday to deceiving companies and public officials into believing he was a covert CIA agent in order to defraud contractors of nearly $4 million, at one point claiming a foreign government had poisoned him with ricin. What do you think?
City Enters Phase 4 Of Pretending Coronavirus Over #~# DALLAS—Saying the city remained on track for progressing into the final stage, Mayor Eric Johnson told Dallas residents Friday that they would soon officially be entering Phase 4 of pretending the coronavirus was over. “Thanks to the efforts of municipal employees, I’m happy to say we’ve reached the final phases of completely deluding ourselves into thinking that this pandemic has somehow stopped spreading and that we’re safe,” said Johnson in a press conference, in which he applauded the city for bringing them to this stage by successfully disregarding the virus in previous phases. “In order for this to be effective, however, we’re instituting guidelines requiring all residents to convince themselves that they can no longer contract or spread this disease, and that despite virtually no changes in the situation, we will no longer need to use hand sanitizers or observe social distancing. Phase 4 will also need all of you to start going into restaurants and stores without masks and pretending that this is endangering absolutely no one. Thank you all.” At press time, Johnson added that he hoped successful observance of protocols would allow the city to soon move into the outright panic and citywide devastation that would characterize Phase 5.
ExxonMobil Simplifies Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half #~# IRVING, TX—Emphasizing that the new process would revolutionize the fossil fuel industry forever, ExxonMobil announced Friday that they had developed a simpler process of extracting oil that involved cutting the Earth in half. “According to our research, there is no faster, easier, and more painless way to find deep, previously undiscovered oil pockets than to chop the planet clean in half and take a look at the cross section,” said spokesperson Christina Hill, adding that the process involved slicing the Earth along the prime meridian and then extracting the reserves to a giant oil rig. “While we understand that this will create a 90-degree drop-off point between the eastern and western hemispheres, as well as unleash the Earth’s molten core, this is still a much safer alternative to fracking. Also, after the Earth has been cut in half, we at ExxonMobil fully intend to stick it back together.” At press time, ExxonMobil was under fire for reportedly spilling all 2.1 trillion gallons of untapped oil outer space.
Online Activists Raise $5 Million To Create New Martin Luther King Jr. Quote #~# Plus, a troubling new report has found nearly 80% of all car accidents occur inside the home. We’ve got the latest on how to keep you and your family safe while burning rubber in your living room.
Lady Antebellum Changes Name #~# The pop-country band announced via Twitter Thursday that they want to ensure their music is inclusive and regret using a name associated with the Civil War and slavery, adding that they will go by Lady A going forward. What do you think?
Brutal: Playstation Has Cancelled The Entire PS5 Game Lineup After @NicoBoy95 Commented ‘No One Cares’ On Their Livestream #~# Well, Playstation fans, it looks like we’re all facing a harsh new reality. After yesterday’s ultra-hyped Playstation 5 press event, Sony reviewed player feedback and just announced they will be canceling their entire lineup of next-generation games in response to @NicoBoy95’s devastating comment that “No one cares” on their livestream.
Sorry Gamers: ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Has Been Delayed Again Because Naughty Dog’s Headquarters Fell Into The Ocean #~# Ever since its announcement way back in December 2016, The Last of Us Part II has been beset by an avalanche of crises. Leaks, pandemics, and other development challenges have continually pushed back what could possibly be the greatest game of this generation. But when Sony confirmed June 19th as the official release date, we told ourselves the hour to rejoin Joel and Ellie in their post-apocalyptic adventure was finally here. Sadly, due to events that transpired hours ago, this was not to be.
Pros And Cons Of Removing Historical Statues #~# The removal in recent years of several monuments depicting Confederate leaders and other controversial historical figures by both politicians and unsanctioned activists have generated debate over whether their removal is justified. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of removing historical statues.
Quaker Oats Replaces Historically Racist Aunt Jemima Mascot With Black Female Lawyer Who Enjoys Pancakes Sometimes #~# CHICAGO—In response to nationwide protests regarding police brutality and racial discrimination, food conglomerate Quaker Oats announced Friday that after 130 years, it would replace its historically racist Aunt Jemima mascot with a black female lawyer who enjoys pancakes from time to time. “The time has come to replace Jemima, a problematic and stereotypical character that originated in minstrel shows, with Sheila, the public defender of cultivated tastes who eats pancakes on occasion, in addition to a variety of other foods,” said Quaker spokesperson Aaron Parshley, who explained that the former Aunt Jemima brand of syrups and pancake mixes would now bear a logo depicting an African American woman who wears a suit, carries a briefcase, and isn’t an aunt per se, though she is godmother to the child of a dear friend she met as an undergraduate at Dartmouth College. “Our new mascot is based on several real-life black women who are lawyers and eat pancakes some mornings when they aren’t too busy litigating on behalf of the disadvantaged. While Sheila does enjoy our extended line of breakfast foods, that is only one small facet of her rich and complex identity as a human being: Sheila also speaks fluent Italian, likes U2, is bisexual, and enjoys cross-country skiing. Let us make it clear that Sheila never serves the pancakes herself, but now and then goes to a diner near the courthouse where waitresses and waiters of a variety of races serve them to her.” At press time, Mars Inc. announced it would follow suit by replacing the mascot of its Uncle Ben’s brand with a black engineering graduate student.
Red Sox Ask Fans To Switch From Racial To Homophobic Slurs When Taunting Opposing Players #~# BOSTON—Pledging to do better when it comes to respecting diversity in the MLB, Red Sox owner John William Henry asked fans Friday to switch from their normal racial slurs to homophobic ones when taunting opposing players. “We want to be inclusive, so we ask that from here on out our fans only use terms that insult the LGBTQ community,” said Henry, who noted that whether it was threatening players with violence or shouting at them on the street, anything other than homophobia brought shame to the Red Sox organization. “We’ve heard from players and fans alike about racial slurs screamed at our games, and that specific kind of hate disgusts us. We don’t want to limit the passion of our fans and their ability to express themselves, but there are plenty of horrible things about homosexuals you can shout instead.” Henry added that he understood change is difficult, and that once fans return to games, there would be an eight-decade probationary period before fans yelling racist remarks were removed from the stands.
Showrunner Worried This A Bad Time For New Series About 2 Cop Best Friends Who Get Neo-Nazi Roommate #~# LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern that the show might be taken out of context given the “current situation,” showrunner Bradley Criswell told reporters Friday he was worried that this was a bad time for his new series about two cop best friends who get a new neo-Nazi roommate. “With everything that’s happening right now, I have to keep in mind there is a chance people might not want to see a kind-hearted NYPD officer palling around with his dumb, yet hilarious skinhead friend,” said Criswell, who wondered if maybe the show about Officer Ryan, Officer Russo, and Klaus’s misadventures in New York City was, due to the current protests, doomed to fail. “Unfortunately, I can picture people not totally getting it, even though it’s less a show about hate groups and White Supremacy, and more about the friendship that brings us all together. I just hope the studio can focus on the good stuff, like the story arc where the two cops finally get their new roommate a job on the force and accidentally shoot an unarmed black man.” At press time, Criswell had revised his pitch to emphasize the diversity of the cast, and how many of the storylines actually focused on Black people and immigrants.
Giant Pandas Finally Mate After Being Married In Catholic Ceremony #~# For the past decade, Ying Ying and Le Le had refused to mate, until now. Hear how the two love bears managed to stay true to their Lord and Savior.
Archaeologists May Have Discovered Oldest Theater In London #~# Archaeologists in Whitechapel believe they have uncovered the Red Lion, an Elizabethan playhouse that may have been the city’s first dedicated theater space when it was built around 1567. What do you think?
TV Show ‘Cops’ Cancelled #~# Paramount Network announced the cancellation of the police reality show Cops this week, a series that has been accused of perpetuating racism for its selective editing since it first aired in 1989. What do you think?
Anna Kendrick’s ‘Love Life’ Pulled From HBO Max Until It Can Return With Historical Context #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling the show “Important, yet problematic” in its portrayal of modern dating in New York City, HBO Max officials announced Thursday that they had pulled Anna Kendrick’s Love Life from their library until it can return with the proper historical context. “While we understand why certain people are unhappy with the decision, we feel it is important to provide viewers with pertinent information that will help contextualize Darby’s struggles with intimacy, sex, and relationships in 2019 Queens,” said HBO spokesperson Kaavya Gupta, adding that each of the romantic comedy’s 10 episodes would return with important discussions regarding era-specific terms like “fuck buddy,” “sext,” and “total derp.” “Frankly, to allow young viewers to watch Love Life without explaining how white feminism shaped our protagonist and her world as a whole would pretend the problems with this show never existed in the first place. Perhaps, when it returns, families will be able to watch this series with their children and teach them about how fraught dating as a millennial in the digital age really was.” At press time, Gupta told reporters that HBO Max had also denounced problematic depictions in the streaming service’s other shows such as Friends and The Big Bang Theory.
South Secedes From NASCAR Following Confederate Flag Ban #~# MONTGOMERY, AL—Declaring that they refused to be part of any institution that would endeavor to compromise their way of life, the South reportedly announced Thursday that they had seceded from NASCAR following the auto-racing company’s Confederate flag ban. “We hereby repudiate the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing for its shameful treatment of the Southern way of life and proclaim that all ties between us are formally dissolved, with great prejudice,” read a statement written by a group of elected officials from Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi, South Carolina, and Texas, which also declared the formation of a new auto-racing organization devoted to the Southern cause, the Confederate Association for Stock Car Auto Racing, or CASCAR. “For too long, NASCAR has tried to rule our way of life without understanding it, and so we must throw off the tyrannical yoke of their automotive oppression. There comes a time when an auto-racing organization must become divided—when its races cease to represent all those states to whom it is supposed to provide entertainment. Our new CASCAR tracks will proudly fly the Confederate flag instead of the Union flag, as well as the disgraceful black-and-white starting flag and yellow caution flag used by our Northern aggressors, and we will race according to our own laws.” At press time, CASCAR challenged any NASCAR drivers brave enough to race in its upcoming Cracker Barrel Civil 500.
No Way In Hell Man Going To Start Examining Relationship With Food Right Now #~# ARIZONA CITY, AZ—Referring to the great many problems currently afflicting the world, area man Dustin Banks told reporters Thursday there was simply no way in hell he would be examining his relationship with food anytime soon. “If you think I’m going to try ‘eating mindfully’ or ‘listening to my gut’ or anything else like that right now, you are out of your goddamn mind,” Banks said as he shoved a third handful of Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos into his mouth, explaining how he was not about to start giving a shit about prepping healthy meals or maintaining proper serving sizes amidst a deadly global pandemic and widespread social upheaval. “I do not have anything close to the headspace needed to put together some overnight oats with fruit or whatever the fuck would actually be good for me. I wake up, I shove some food in my mouth—be it frozen fish sticks, pizza rolls, or an ice cream sandwich—and I try to get through the day. Okay? There will be no increased consciousness brought to bear on my diet. That ship has sailed.” At press time, Banks added that all the extra time he had been spending on the toilet was a sacrifice he was willing to make not to have to think about his food choices.
White Ally Willing To Do Whatever It Takes To Make Sure People Won’t Be Mad At Him #~# CHICAGO—Vowing to learn from the Black Lives Matter movement and finally take a stand on the racial issues that have bothered him for years, white ally Will Novak announced Thursday that he was willing to do whatever it takes to make sure people would not get mad at him. “I know racism is a problem in this country, so I have to stop standing on the sidelines and be an active participant in ensuring people don’t yell at me or think I’m a bad person,” said Novak, who pledged to donate money to any organization and walk in any march if it would ensure all the black, Hispanic, Asian, and LQBTQ people in his life think highly of him and will not judge him in any way. “It pains me to think there are these people suffering racial oppression out there who might say something challenging or unflattering to my face. I’ll fight with every ounce of my being to avoid that. Just give me a list of people to vote for, I won’t ask any questions, just please, please don’t yell at me.” Novak added that he would be willing to put his life on the line if just one person from a marginalized group uttered, “You’re one of the good ones,” to him.
Treasure Chest Buried In Rocky Mountains Discovered #~# Following 10 years of searching by nearly 350,000 treasure hunters, a $1 million cache of gold and precious gemstones buried by art dealer Forrest Fenn has been discovered in the Rocky Mountains. What do you think?
New Guidelines Allow Gyms To Reopen For Weak Little Bitches Who Just Diddle Around And Don’t Break A Real Sweat Anyway #~# More states are beginning to reopen, but not without some precautions. Hear how the latest phase will aim to reduce overcrowding in gyms by only admitting members who pose no threat of physically exerting themselves at all.
Astronaut Becomes First Woman To Reach Deepest Point In Ocean #~# Former astronaut Kathy Sullivan, the first U.S. woman to walk in space, made history again this week by diving a submersible vehicle to the deepest point in the Mariana Trench, becoming the first woman to visit the area that sits nearly seven miles below the Pacific Ocean. What do you think?
U.K. Demonstrators Tear Down Statue Of Slave Trader #~# Protesters in Bristol toppled a statue of 17th-century slave trader Edward Colston on Sunday, rolling the statue through the city before pushing it into the harbor. What do you think?
Woman On Sidewalk Can’t Even Summon Kernel Of Whimsy Required To Skip Along Hopscotch #~# SEATTLE—Unmoved by the colorful chalk pattern drawn on the sidewalk by neighborhood youth, local woman Abigail Keston could not summon from anywhere inside herself the kernel of whimsy required to skip through the hopscotch grid she was walking past, reports confirmed Wednesday. According to sources, despite the fanciful, welcoming images of flowers and smiley faces adorning the perimeter of the children’s game, the 32-year-old was not able to transcend the drudgery of day-to-day life for even a moment in order to hop merrily upon the multihued rectangles on the pavement before her. Reports indicated a cold and stone-faced Keston simply plodded right over the playfully hand-drawn prompt to “jump here,” though it would have required minimal physical exertion to leap and bound her way through the 10 numbered spaces, ending her sprightly steps upon the half circle labeled “heaven.” At press time, a bitter encasing of frost had reportedly consumed Keston’s heart as she called in a noise complaint for the ice cream truck that was circling her neighborhood.
Timeline Of Trump’s Response To The George Floyd Protests #~# In the two weeks since protests erupted across the nation following a Minneapolis police officer killing black man George Floyd, President Donald Trump has continued to stoke controversy with his responses. The Onion recounts Trump’s decisions, actions, and statements throughout the protests.
37-Year-Old Worried He Might Have Missed Boat On Becoming Child Prodigy #~# AUSTIN, TX—Disheartened that his dreams had yet to come to fruition, local 37-year-old Michael Campbell was reportedly worried Wednesday that he might have missed the boat on becoming a child prodigy. “Don’t get me wrong, I know 37 is still young, but sometimes I wonder if it’s too late to become a world-renowned chess wunderkind,” said Campbell, struggling to conclude whether his early 30s had been his last shot or if he was merely a late bloomer who still had time to become a teenage lawyer or physician. “I always thought that by this age, I’d be a famous whiz kid like Srinivasa Ramanujan or John Stuart Mill, and it sucks because I think I’d make a really great prodigy, too. I don’t know, maybe I’m being too hard on myself. I still have 30 or 40 years left. Plus, my gymnastics teacher said I’m making tremendous improvements.” At press time, Campbell consoled himself that at least he was more talented than his 8-year-old son.
Biden Flattered His 1994 Crime Bill Suddenly Starting To Receive So Much Attention #~# WILMINGTON, DE—Saying that he was surprised but delighted that his decades-old work still had so much resonance with the present moment, presumptive Democratic Party presidential nominee Joe Biden reportedly expressed Wednesday how flattered he was that his 1994 crime bill was suddenly starting to receive so much attention. “Of course, when I was writing the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act, I thought it was one of my better pieces of work, so it’s definitely gratifying to see so many people giving it their attention so many years later,” said the former senator and vice president, adding that while the 1994 bill that led to increased police budgets and incarceration rates had previously been widely shared in smaller circles, he was impressed to see it discussed by an increasingly wider audience. “Sure, people discussed it when it came out, but the sad truth is that most legislation ends up in the dustbin of history, and people forget all the work the writers put into their bills. I did think we had something special with this act, though, and it’s nice to see now that it really means something to so many people. I don’t want to toot my own horn too much, but honestly, I think it’s recommended reading if you want to really understand what’s going on in America today.” At press time, the Biden campaign announced that they would be capitalizing on the new attention his legislation was receiving by publishing it as an ebook on the campaign’s online store. 
‘Trump Is Finally Done, Trump Is Finally Done,’ Says Strait-Jacketed Opinion Columnist Babbling To Cup Of Applesauce #~# WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly unhinged after reading that the president’s favorability numbers were plunging, strait-jacketed opinion columnist Gail Collins repeated to herself that “Trump is finally done” while babbling to a cup of applesauce, sources confirmed Tuesday. “The Republicans are at last abandoning him, yes they are, yes they are, yes they are,” said the deranged, heavily sweating op-ed writer as she rocked back and forth, laughing maniacally while noting that Trump had “proven his clear unfitness for office, don’t you think, Richard?” to a snack-sized serving of Mott’s unsweetened applesauce. “The American people have finally seen through his charade ticky ticky ticky ticky! We all go down. And a barrel of rum and a yo-ho-ho! Is this the end for Trump? My column, below.” At press time, orderlies had been forced to tranquilize Collins, who after she accidentally saw a poll showing Trump’s approval rating edging back up, drew blood while repeatedly banging her head into a concrete wall.
‘Banjo-Kazooie’ Fans Will Love This: This Man Threw His Bird On The Ground #~# Ever since the 1998 debut of the original Banjo-Kazooie for the Nintendo 64, the Rare platformer has been regarded as one of the greatest games of all time. And while there hasn’t been a new game featuring the beloved characters in 12 years, Banjo-Kazooie fans are in luck, because we’ve found just the thing—this man threw his bird on the ground!
Adopt-A-Slide: These 10 Slides Still Need A Slideshow Home #~# Hi! I used to be part of a slideshow called “REWIND! 10 Board Games That Take Us Back To The ’80s.” I’m quite friendly and I really love to be around other slides. Adopt me today!
Second Meal After Grocery Trip A Severe Drop-Off From First Meal After Grocery Trip #~# BOSTON—Scrounging together any fresh ingredients he could find, local man Marcus Barrow confirmed Wednesday that the second meal after his grocery trip was a severe dropoff from his first meal after the trip. “I had this whole week of meals planned out, but yesterday was a whole thing and I just don’t have the energy to figure this out,” said Barrow, who had planned to make a roast chicken before realizing he had already run out of fresh herbs and forgotten to buy olive oil on the previous day’s shopping trip. “I was gonna roast carrots with this, but I ate them raw for lunch after getting overwhelmed trying to make the sauce for a croque monsieur. The strawberries are already bad, I ate the fresh bread, and I don’t know where I put the tomatoes, so I guess I’ll just throw some peanut butter on some rice cakes and call it dinner. I mean, I already made sausage-and-bean soup last night, I’m not a machine.” At press time, Barrow was pouring coffee creamer intended for coffee he did not make over cereal in place of the milk he had already finished.
WHO Walks Back Claim That Covid-19 Can Only Be Transmitted Through Locking Eyes With One True Love #~# GENEVA—Acknowledging the comment had been based on results from only two or three studies, the World Health Organization walked back an earlier claim Wednesday that Covid-19 could only be transmitted among humans via one person locking eyes with another who is their one true love. “Preliminary data indicated the virus could only be spread from person to person when two eternal soul mates were gazing into each other’s eyes beneath the light of the moon,” said WHO director-general Tedros Adhanom, explaining that new evidence suggests doing a quick double-take at someone out of mere animal attraction carries the same risk of transmission as a moment shared by two great lovers destined for lifelong romance. “We are now seeing young and otherwise healthy individuals showing symptoms after simply entertaining the thought that a passing stranger they made eye contact with had a nice face, for instance, indicating that even discreetly checking out another person may increase the likelihood of contracting coronavirus, regardless of whether that person is one’s missing half in this world. As a result, we are now recommending that in any public space where one could conceivably encounter attractive people, a blindfold be worn at all times.” Adhanom went on to clarify that making out was still a safe activity to participate in so long as the parties involved kept their eyes closed throughout.
Woman Begins Defeated Slog Back Upstairs To Apartment To Retrieve Forgotten Mask #~# AUSTIN, TX—Releasing a deep sigh as she turned around and reentered the building, local woman Rebecca Dwyer reportedly began a defeated slog back upstairs to her apartment Wednesday to retrieve a forgotten facemask. “I’m probably fine without—wait, no, ugh, I should go get it,” said Dwyer, who wearily trudged back up the three flights of steps after debating for several seconds about how big of a threat coronavirus actually was before conceding that face coverings were, in fact, still necessary. “Wait, maybe I could just cover my mouth with my shirt when people pass? No, that won’t work. Fuck, it’s always something.” At press time, Dwyer realized she had forgotten her bottle of hand sanitizer upon reaching the bottom of the stairs for a second time.
TV Critic Struggling To Explain Appeal Of Watching Television To Average American #~# NEW YORK—Having difficulty making the case for the cutting-edge artistic medium in one of her columns, local TV critic Melissa Andino was reportedly struggling Tuesday to explain the appeal of watching television to the average American. “I know television can seem like a daunting and sometimes impenetrable art form, but if people were more open minded, they might find it captivating,” said Andino, adding that grasping concepts such as “seasons” and “episodes” can often be a major barrier to entry for the layman in fully appreciating the highbrow form of storytelling. “A lot of people don’t seem to understand that you’re supposed to watch multiple episodes in order and follow the characters through each one, sort of like a bunch of short, connected movies. Unfortunately, it could be years before TV becomes a mainstream form of cultural entertainment.” At press time, Andino figured it was best to start her readers on sitcoms before introducing them to more complex forms of television, such as documentary miniseries.
NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018 #~# Two years ago to the day, NASA’s Opportunity was swallowed up by the red planet in what has since been deemed an unprovoked attack. And now, NASA is seeking its revenge.
U.S. Economy Officially Entered Recession In February #~# According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, the United States officially entered a recession in February after coronavirus outbreaks shuttered businesses across the country, ending 11 years of growth. What do you think?
‘New Yorker’ Cartoon Editor Defends Publishing Comic By Tom Cotton #~# NEW YORK—Responding to reader outcry by explaining that the magazine was committed to publishing work by people from all political perspectives, New Yorker cartoon editor Emma Allen defended publishing a comic Tuesday by Tom Cotton. “While we might not agree with every word of our cartoonists’ captions and every stroke of their pens, we are committed to placing their views in the corners of our magazine pages,” said Allen, adding that Cotton’s latest commissioned piece may be more political than his normal cartoons featuring his classic character, the Ozark Cave Fish, but it did touch on an important national issue in a different manner than the The New Yorker’s other cartoons. “We hear our readers’ criticisms, but we stand by Senator Cotton’s cartoon. We’re committed to publishing quips and jests from all sides of the political spectrum. Over the years, we’ve published controversial cartoons from dozens of senators, as well as five secretaries of defense, and Presidents Dwight D. Eisenhower, George H.W. Bush, and Jimmy Carter. This crudely rendered cartoon may offend some people, but we’re not in the business of silencing voices.” The New Yorker “Goings On About Town” editor similarly defended the magazine’s recommendation of several local Identity Evropa and Patriot Front rallies.
Woman Who Hasn’t Attended Protest Yet Hoping Police Brutality Still Going On Next Week Too #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Realizing she had yet to make it out to a protest, local woman Alexis Hunt reportedly expressed hope Tuesday that police brutality would still be going on next week, too. “I feel bad I haven’t gotten around to protesting yet, but there’s still the chance cops will be beating people in the street this coming week, too—fingers crossed!” said Hunt, who pointed to warmer weather and restaurant reopenings as reasons she’d been “totally booked” these past two weeks. “I’ve been checking social media to see if there’s anything planned, and I found a video of a cop roughing up a couple of black teenagers, so that’s encouraging. I would just hate for things to end before the sign I ordered off Etsy arrived. I’d be down for something on the weekend. Maybe, like, 1:30, 2 p.m? And close to my house since I hate walking.” At press time, a disappointed Hunt was worried she’d run out of time upon learning her city was moving toward disbanding the police force.
Major Hype: Gamers Have Been Divorcing Their Spouses Because They Aren’t As Beautiful As The Graphics On ‘Unreal Engine 5’ #~# Anyone who caught last month’s Unreal Engine 5 demo footage knows that the hype is real. Its photorealistic textures, pitch-perfect physics, and mind-boggling number of onscreen polygons are set to define what’s possible for the next generation. But the proof in the pudding that UE5 will change everything isn’t in the demonstration itself, but in how it’s affecting the personal lives of gamers everywhere. Millions across the globe have started divorcing their spouses after realizing their loved ones will never be as beautiful as Unreal Engine 5’s face-melting graphics in Lumen In The Land Of Nanit.
8-Month Odyssey Of Distress, Despair Ends In Redemption As Man Finally Gets Around To Buying Batteries For Remote #~# PORTLAND, OR—As he summoned his strength to overcome the grave misfortune that befell him nearly eight months ago, a dire saga of great anguish reportedly ended in triumph Tuesday when a local man finally got around to purchasing the batteries needed to power his TV’s remote control. “Sweet, now I won’t have to get up off the sofa every time I want to change the channel,” said Jason Higgins, who according to sources embarked upon a journey to a nearby CVS in search of a soda that might slake his thirst and buoy his flagging spirits, but, as he traversed endcap and aisle, chanced to uncover the $5.99 two-pack of AAAs that would end his long torment. “I remember the old batteries died when I was watching playoff baseball, so it’s been a while. I tried taking the ones out of the Xbox controller, but they were AA, and also then I couldn’t play Xbox, which sucked.” At press time, reports confirmed Higgins had changed the batteries and then immediately misplaced the remote, telling himself he would look for it later and just watch whatever channel was on for now.
Panicked White Woman Calls Police On Statue Of Martin Luther King Jr. #~# Cell phone footage of the incident has gone viral on social media, but many are now asking if the statue of Dr. King actually did anything wrong.
Everyone Who Learned Of Our Dalliance With The Colonel This Year #~# The Chambermaid: I am near certain that she glimpsed me in the hall, much closer to the colonel’s chambers than just a friendly acquaintance is wont to go.
Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam Will Not Have Guns In ‘Looney Tunes’ Reboot #~# Producers for HBO Max’s new Looney Tunes say the show will not include guns and that Elmer Fudd will hunt Bugs Bunny with a scythe, though the series will still feature other forms of cartoon violence such as explosives and other Acme products. What do you think?
Poll Finds Two-Thirds Of Americans Think Trump Has Made Racial Tensions Worse #~# As the nation enters week three of protests against police brutality sparked by the death of George Floyd, 67% of Americans say President Trump has increased racial tensions and 62% agree the demonstrations are lawful, according to a Marist poll. What do you think?
TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids #~# CULVER CITY, CA—Expressing their sincerest regret for the massive oversight, video-sharing app TikTok issued an apology Monday after inadvertently giving a platform to thousands of theater kids. “Rumors that users are exploiting our service to perform A Star Is Born covers are deeply disturbing, and we’re very sorry we’ve allowed this to happen,” said CEO Kevin A. Mayer, who explained the company never intended their app to fall into clutches of individuals who spend their entire weekend memorizing the soundtrack and choreography of Dear Evan Hansen. “TikTok was devised as a harmless way for hot, popular teens to have fun. Elaborate harmonies and costuming have no home on TikTok. TikTok is no place for using a split screen to sing a duet with yourself in full Wicked makeup. Honestly, it’s sickening that these videos are circulating, and we’re going to do everything in our power to crack down on the users responsible.” At press time, Mayer added that the app’s moderators would begin flagging all videos that feature dancing.
Congress Announces Willingness To Offer Black Lives Matter Protesters Holiday Or Statue #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of taking concrete steps to address systemic racism and police brutality in the United States, Congress reportedly announced Monday their willingness to offer Black Lives Matter protesters a holiday or statue. “We have seen people around this nation calling for dramatic change, and I can assure you that we intend to meet this moment with the support it deserves—a nice memorial, say, or perhaps a national day of remembrance that individual states can decide to declare an official day off work if they want,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), echoing a bipartisan group of representatives that if these solutions were not acceptable to leaders of the Black Lives Matter movement, Congress was also willing to consider painting a mural. “Whether it’s one fairly prominent statue of a black person and white person holding hands in D.C. or several smaller ones in cities nationwide, we in Congress are committed to acknowledging the validity and importance of the Black Lives Matter movement. We will make sure that your voices are heard in small script on the bottom of federal calendars or in a bronze statue in some D.C. park.” At press time, Congress announced that it was also open to sending all Black Lives Matter movement leaders cupcakes. 
Company Issues Statement Announcing They Stand With Rejected Black Applicants #~# NEW YORK—Voicing support for those it ultimately passed over in favor of a white applicant, financial services giant Morgan Stanley issued a statement Monday indicating it stands in solidarity with all its rejected African American job candidates. “There is no excuse for racial discrimination in America or anywhere else, and that is why our company and its affiliates demand equality for the many black people we have interviewed as a courtesy over the years with no real intention of ever hiring,” read the statement from the investment bank at which approximately 2% of executive positions are held by African Americans. “Similarly, as we look out our windows and watch tens of thousands of protestors fill the streets to demand justice, we wish to express support for the black job seekers whose résumés we gave only a cursory glance before convincing ourselves they probably wouldn’t be a good fit. At this moment in our history—which we hope will become a turning point in race relations—we also stand firmly with our black team members who have been routinely passed over for promotions and kept in low-paying positions, or were otherwise denied opportunities to earn the same amount as their white counterparts. We urge them all to stay strong.” The statement went on to confirm the company would attempt to offset the widespread minority unemployment it had helped cause with a nominal one-time donation to a civil rights organization. 
Kyrie Irving Suggests NBA Hold Games Inside Higher Plane Of Reality Beyond Limits Of Mortal Realm #~# NEW YORK—Warning that players need to be protected not just from coronavirus but from the corruption of modern life itself, Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving suggested Monday that the NBA keep players safe when reopening by holding games in a higher plane of reality free from the limits of the conscious, mortal realm. “I know guys are worried about playing again, but we can take care by just projecting ourselves to a dimension beyond physical existence,” said Irving, who claimed that our bodies are only exposed to weakness, sickness, and death when we unquestioningly accept the stories we are told about this reality. “The coronavirus is not real, none of this is. It is only as real as we make it. Disease does not need to exist, foul trouble does not need to exist. If we all focus our minds and transcend to the next astral realm, we could easily finish the season free on these false constraints the world imposes on us.” At press time, Irving was struggling to determine where out of bounds would be if every player’s soul existed outside of their physical form.
15 Popes They Didn’t Tell You About In Sunday School #~# Sure, everyone has heard of Pope Francis or Pope John Paul, but there are quite a few pontiffs in the shocking history of the Catholic Church that your teachers never dared to tell you about. Read on to learn more about these interesting, trailblazing, or outright controversial popes.
New LinkedIn Feature Lets Job-Seekers Add Most Humiliating Things They Willing To Endure #~# It’s tough competition for those out there seeking employment. We’ve got the latest on how you can use the new feature to make yourself seem weak and easy to manipulate so you can finally land that dream job you so desperately crave.
YouTube Star Jake Paul Charged With Trespassing #~# Social media influencer Jake Paul was charged with misdemeanor criminal trespass and unlawful assembly after video footage showed him present inside an Arizona mall as it was looted, though Paul says he did not take anything and was only observing. What do you think?
General Mattis Condemns Trump As Threat To Constitution #~# Former Defense Secretary General James Mattis penned a critique of the president this week saying Donald Trump has abused his executive authority and seeks to divide Americans rather than unite them. What do you think?
Two Buffalo Police Officers Suspended After Staining Clean Sidewalk With Blood #~# BUFFALO, NY—After a video of the incident received national attention, Buffalo mayor Byron Brown confirmed Friday the suspension without pay of two policemen who were caught staining an otherwise spotless section of city sidewalk with blood. “I have seen the video and am deeply disturbed by the actions of these officers, who not only spilled a significant amount of blood on an otherwise pristine square of pavement, but then casually moved along without making the slightest attempt to clean it up,” said Brown, adding that once a bloodstain like that had set, it was practically impossible to remove completely. “Police Commissioner [Byron] Lockwood has launched an investigation into why not one officer present thought to respond with some baking soda and peroxide, a handkerchief soaked in club soda, or even just a quick surface wipe to keep the blood from seeping into the cement and leaving a permanent mark on our city. The lack of respect shown for this piece of municipal property—which had just been power-washed last week at taxpayer expense—is frankly disgraceful. Rest assured, these two officers will receive additional training in the department’s specialized mopping drills before they are reinstated.” Brown added that his thoughts and prayers were with the city employees working to cover up the blood splotches as best they could.
Police Chief Vows To Take Concrete Steps To Better Cover Up Violence #~# LOS ANGELES—Promising swift action that would bring about much-needed change to the department, Los Angeles Police chief Michel Moore vowed Friday to take concrete steps to better cover up violence. “We’ve been as disturbed as anybody else that these videos are coming to light, and we’re taking immediate measures to make sure these recordings never happen again,” said Moore, who noted the department would begin confiscating cell phones and allocating more resources toward targeting journalists and photographers, ensuring this unacceptable behavior would no longer be witnessed. “Allowing these incidents of police brutality to be filmed is a huge oversight on our part, and we pledge to do everything in our power to curb their dissemination. All officers will be required to take a 12-hour training program teaching them to recognize, target, and neutralize cameras. We want the community to know the Los Angeles Police are fully committed to serving and protecting our best interests.” At press time, Moore added the LAPD was working with the mayor’s office to make the proper budget increases necessary to implement the new changes. 
Pros And Cons Of Curfew Laws #~# Cities around the country have implemented curfew laws in response to the ongoing protests over the police killing of George Floyd, with the measures receiving support and backlash. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of curfew laws.
Buffalo Police Request Reinforcements Until Elderly-Man Rampages Fully Contained #~# BUFFALO, NY—Calling the various geriatric protestors the “greatest threat to officers thus far,” the Buffalo Police Department requested reinforcements Friday until the frail elderly men rampaging through their city were fully contained. “Due to the terrifying influx of senior citizens recklessly hobbling through the streets and shamelessly blocking crosswalks, the Buffalo Police Department has no choice but to ask neighboring law enforcement agencies for immediate, emergency assistance,” said Buffalo Police captain Jeff Rinaldo, who added that the out-of-control elderly men were made even more dangerous because of their hearing loss, making it impossible for many of them to respond to verbal commands. “Do not be fooled. While they may appear peaceful, these 75-, 80-, and 90-year-old men are armed with canes that could inflict serious harm, as well as walkers that could be used to bludgeon. Sadly, until we are provided with additional tear gas, rubber bullets, and armored tanks, we cannot ensure that our officers are safe.” At press time, Rinaldo released several photos showing “highly explosive” oxygen tanks confiscated from elderly men that morning.
Oakland Athletics Stadium Immediately Converted Into Condos After Team Misses Rent Payment #~# OAKLAND, CA—As the moving trucks of new residents arrived outside the former Oakland Coliseum over the objections of team officials, the Oakland Athletics stadium was immediately converted into condos Friday after the team missed a rent payment. “We warned the Athletics organization that if they were delinquent on rent that this would happen, and with the housing market being what it is, we think the new 200-unit Oakland Condominiums is a better long-term investment anyway,” said Scott Haggerty, the supervisor of the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum Authority, adding that it was the baseball team’s choice to stop paying rent and the county had to make money on the property somehow. “With studios starting at $2,800 per month in the former concourse and plenty of green space in the converted outfield, the Oakland Condominiums are a great investment for young professionals and San Francisco tech workers looking for a more eclectic living experience. We even have two units of affordable housing to satisfy city requirements in what used to be the stadium’s bathrooms. It has skylights, all-new appliances, and the history of decades of baseball played right where our open-plan kitchens now stand. We’re actually grateful to the Athletics that they decided to withhold rent, because this is much better for us.” City authorities also informed the Athletics that their old baseball equipment that was illegally left at the facility had been seized and transferred to the Guadalupe Landfill in San Jose.
Letdown: Naughty Dog Says They Worked So Hard On ‘The Last Of Us II’s Amazing Cutscenes, They Only Had Time To Create A Basic Word Puzzler For Gameplay #~# Well, gamers, this is a bit of a bummer. While past trailers for The Last of Us Part II made it look like it would be a genre-defining interactive experience that expanded on everything that made the original great, Naughty Dog revealed today that they spent so much time crafting the game’s incredible plot and cinematics that the actual gameplay will just consist of a simple word puzzle mini-game.
Family Left Elderly Grandmother To Die In Nursing Home But Not Like This #~# MURFREESBORO, TN—Shocked to learn the grandmother of seven had died suddenly of Covid-19, a local family told reporters Friday they had left their elderly relative Beverly Foley to die in a nursing home, but not like this. “When we checked Nana into Woodpoint Crest, we figured we’d leave her there and forget about her until she died, obviously—we just never thought this would be the way it happened,” said grandson Greg Foley, explaining that the entire family operated under the assumption that the 82-year-old’s inevitable death at the assisted-living facility would occur as nature took its course and not as the result of a rapidly spreading infectious disease. “Even though I had definitely imagined her passing away in that very bed and in that very room, I had always thought it would be different. To think that instead of succumbing slowly to the infirmities of old age and dying alone, she succumbed quickly to Covid and died alone...it’s just too much. I thought I’d at least see her one more time, next year, on her birthday.” At press time, relatives reported feeling heartbroken that they were legally not allowed to attend the funeral that most of them would have skipped.
Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality #~# Top U.S. health officials are worried the massive in-person demonstrations could be a fertile breeding ground for excessive force that may stretch the nation’s healthcare system to its limits. 
Richmond, Virginia Mayor Issues Ordinance To Remove Confederate Statues #~# Mayor Levar Stoney announced plans to remove all city-controlled Confederate statues from Monument Avenue, saying “Richmond is no longer the capital of the Confederacy—it is filled with diversity and love for all—and we need to demonstrate that.” What do you think?
Snapchat To Stop Promoting Trump’s Account #~# Citing the decision not to amplify voices that incite racial violence and injustice, mobile messaging app Snapchat announced it will no longer promote President Trump’s account on its Discover feature, which highlights content from celebrities and news organizations. What do you think?
The Greatest NBA Teams Of All Time #~# 1953-54 Minneapolis Lakers: Capped off three straight championships but were unable to defend their title the following season after George Mikan gave up half the team as known Communists during a Congressional hearing.
U.S. Flag Can’t Believe Fucking Wuss Cries Every Time National Anthem Plays #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming the 41-year-old adult begins whimpering with the first line and is practically balling his eyes out by the song’s end, the American flag stated Thursday it cannot believe future Hall of Fame quarterback and fucking wuss Drew Brees cries with each singing of the national anthem. “Seriously, it’s so pathetic—a few bars of ‘The Star-Spangled Banner,’ and this full-grown man is weeping like a goddamn baby,” said Old Glory, adding that at no point in its 243 years has it ever witnessed such an embarrassing and pitiful spectacle on a field of play. “Every game I’m up there flying above the stadium, thinking, ‘Holy shit, dude, get ahold of yourself. If your grandfathers could see you right now, they’d be so ashamed. They didn’t risk their lives in the war just so you could grow up to be a giant pussy. Have some perspective, asshole.’ Oh, and it’s not just at his games, either. Drew can be at a parade, watching double-A baseball, or just listening to a radio station’s morning sign-on, and look out, here come the fucking waterworks.” The flag went on to report that it didn’t even want to talk about how emotionally frail Brees becomes during fireworks displays.
Republican Leaders Claim New Yorkers Will Greet U.S. Military As Liberators #~# WASHINGTON—In response to continued unrest in the devastated region, Republican leaders reportedly claimed Thursday that New Yorkers would greet the United States military as liberators. “We have every reason to believe that the people of New York will welcome the American military as saviors,” said senator Tom Cotton (R-AR), noting there is evidence to suggest that New Yorkers will rise up in droves to fight alongside the U.S. armed forces to topple the oppressive Cuomo regime. “Will civilians lose their lives? Of course, but ultimately, I believe the people of New York will accept those casualties as simply a means to an end in the pursuit of state building. We believe that a secure, stable, and democratic New York is within reach, but peace in the Northeast can only be achieved through force.” At press time, GOP leaders claimed that Operation Manhattan Freedom was a success after residents pulled down the Statue of Liberty.
Drew Brees Admits He Doesn’t Trust Black People Ever Since Falcons Linebacker Stole Football Straight Out Of His Hands #~# NEW ORLEANS—In response to controversy over his previous statement that downplayed police brutality and focused on standing for the national anthem, New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees admitted Thursday that he hasn’t trusted black people ever since a Falcons linebacker stole a football straight out of his hands. “I understand that people might be angry with me, but I have to speak from my own experience, which is that in 2009, a large black man came out of nowhere, shoved me, and stripped my football directly out of my hands,” said Brees, adding that the man who took his football was accompanied by “at least four or five other large black men” who were all wearing red and black, which he took to be gang colors. “Can you really blame me if I view black men suspiciously since that terrible day? I worked hard all my life to get that ball, and that large black linebacker—or maybe he was even a defensive end—ripped it out of my hands and just ran away. Meanwhile, I got shoved to the ground and not only did no one intervene, but the other black men around him started cheering. Where the heck was law enforcement? I could’ve been killed. It was just clear they have no respect for me, the grandson of World War II veterans. Honestly, since then I’ve been afraid to even leave the pocket.” Brees added that if the country was going to have a conversation about police brutality, it also needed to address the anti-white organizations that paid large black men huge sums of money to attack innocent quarterbacks like himself.
Mark Zuckerberg Announces Virtual Roundtable With American Hate Groups To Better Understand How They Work #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Emphasizing that he intended to learn from his mistakes and listen more to others, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Thursday that he would hold a virtual roundtable with American hate groups around the country to better understand how they work. “It’s important to stay educated about the issues during this difficult time, which is why I’ve invited several prominent leaders from the Aryan Brotherhood, the KKK, and the American Nazi Party to join me and educate me about the challenges they face every day, and what we at Facebook can do to help,” said Zuckerberg before apologizing for failing to invite any Grand Wizards, White Knights, or Skinheads to a discussion like in the past. “Hopefully, by having an open and honest dialogue with you, I—as a white man—can finally begin to understand the struggles they have faced in this hateful society for generations and elevate aryan voices. While I still certainly have a lot to learn, hopefully by opening up my heart to these hate-fuelled, unhinged rants, I can finally help these communities heal.” At press time, Zuckerberg posted a list of helpful resources he’d used to educate himself, designating Identity Evropa and Stormfront as “required listening.”
Mental Health Experts Recommend Bed Only Be Used For Shooting Amateur Pornography #~# Many Americans are guilty of working, eating, and browsing the internet in bed from time to time, but those bad habits could be hurting your chances of getting in a good night of DIY adult filmmaking.
Minnesota Launches Civil Rights Probe Against Minneapolis PD #~# The Minnesota Department of Human Rights has filed a civil rights charge against the Minneapolis Police Department to investigate systemic discriminatory practices over the last decade, a move welcomed by local lawmakers who say police oversight has been constrained by state law. What do you think?
Jay-Z Takes Out Full-Page Ad To Honor George Floyd #~# Jay-Z has taken out a full-page ad to run across several major newspapers this week featuring part of a speech from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and signed by families of police violence victims, activists, attorneys, and celebrities to honor the life of George Floyd. What do you think?
‘This Face Will Be The Last Thing You See Before You Die,’ Says Trump In Healing Address To Nation #~# WASHINGTON—In a powerful effort to bring unity to a fractured populace, President Donald Trump delivered a healing address to citizens Wednesday that his face would be the last thing they see before they die. “My fellow Americans, in this time of great distress, I urge you to look at my face and understand that it will be the only thing that fills your mind in your final, loneliest hour,” said Trump in a soaring 3-minute speech in which he echoed Robert F. Kennedy’s address after the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. by urging the deeply wounded nation to recall that no matter their race or creed, they will ultimately all pass away with the memory of his wrinkled, grinning visage at the forefront of their mind. “You will die, and the last thing you think of will be not loved ones or friends, but me, Donald J. Trump. That’s because I own your thoughts. Thank you. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.” At press time, Trump reached across partisan lines to heal the divided nation by adding to reporters that some specific Americans would be seeing his face far sooner than others.
How To Reform The Police #~# Sustained protest against the U.S. police system has spotlighted the need for police reform in America, although advocates offer many different solutions. The Onion looks at ways to reform the police in America.
Primaried Steve King Glad He At Least Won’t Have To Be PC Anymore #~# SIOUX CITY, IA—Following his defeat in the Republican primary, nine-term House Representative Steve King was reportedly glad Wednesday that at least he wouldn’t have to be PC anymore. “Now that I’m a private citizen, I can finally speak my mind without feeling like I’m walking on eggshells trying not to offend anyone,” said King, explaining it was such a burden to have speechwriters and aides toning down every little remark. “Losing stings, but now I don’t have to watch my words all the time. As an elected official, you have to be so careful about what metaphors you use to describe black people. The mainstream media loves to blow everything you say about the merits of white nationalism out of proportion. Well, watch out PC police, it’s time to meet the real Steve King.” At press time, King added that his friends in Congress would be so jealous to hear him saying out loud what they wish they could. 
Police Defend Use Of Non-Lethal Rubber Tires On Protestors #~# NEW YORK—Responding to criticisms of law enforcement injuring demonstrators, NYPD chief Terence Monahan publicly defended his squad’s controversial use of non-lethal rubber tires Wednesday as a means of de-escalating ongoing protests against police brutality. “What you have to understand is that these tires were not designed to kill people; instead, they have a special treaded rubber coating specifically developed to soften their impact,” said Monahan, adding that the tires wielded by his officers were the exact same model as those used by children for swings and those featured on every car across America. “This is a purposefully restrained crowd-control tactic to stun people and stop them in their tracks, not cause fatal harm. They are only deployed when an officer feels like they are in imminent danger. Sure, in some cases, poorly aimed tires have caused internal bleeding, fractured bones, or left bruises shaped like tread marks over various body parts, but overall, this bouncy, flexible alternative is far preferable to being run over with hard metal wheels. Believe me, if these were intended to cause serious harm, you would know it.” Monahan later refused to address claims by manufacturers that rubber tires are only less lethal when aimed at the ground rather than directly at protestors.
Democratic Leaders Announce That They’ve Learned The Words ‘Systemic Racism’ #~# WASHINGTON—Democratic leaders announced Wednesday that they have learned the words “systemic racism” and that they were very excited to have done so. “We have been informed of the phrase ‘systemic racism,’ and, beyond that, we plan to use it in several sentences,” said Minority Leader Chuck Schumer in an impromptu press conference that also included House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and DNC Chair Tom Perez, who all echoed the fact that they have seen these two words next to each other on a sheet of paper given to them by aides, have read that sheet of paper, and will proceed to repeat those words both in conversation amongst themselves and with reporters. “We understand that it is a phrase, and we will include this phrase in sentences we speak. In fact, you might see us on television using this set of words very soon. All of this is to say that today, we have discovered two new words that we are supposed to use. That’s all.” At press time, the Democratic Party had announced a bold new initiative to combat systematic rhotacism in 2020.
Botanists Concerned By What Returning To Work Will Do To Nation’s House Plants #~# Many botanists across the country are worried the sudden change in routine could send house plants into an emotional spiral, and even lead some to lash out at their owners. Hear how you can help ease your plant back into normalcy.
Americans Buying More Frozen Foods During Pandemic #~# Sales of frozen food items are up 40.2% and freezer sales skyrocketed 195% compared to this time a year ago as coronavirus keeps restaurants closed and Americans homebound. What do you think?
Facebook Employees Stage Virtual Walkout #~# Angered by Mark Zuckerberg’s decision not to fact check or remove President Trump’s false and inflammatory posts this week, Facebook employees who are currently working from home staged a virtual walkout and signed petitions urging the CEO to take action. What do you think?
‘She Needs A Bible Now, Fuckwad—Yes, It’s For An Epic Clapback!’ Yells Panicked Pelosi Aide Into Phone #~# WASHINGTON—Following reports that Donald Trump sprayed tear gas at protestors and members of the clergy before a photo-op at St. John’s Church, a panicked aide to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi reportedly picked up the phone Tuesday and yelled “she needs a Bible now, fuckwad—yes, it’s for an epic clapback.” “Look, I don’t care how you get it, but get it now, because the clapback queen needed a photo of her in a pink pantsuit, reading a bible on Twitter, Facebook, and the front page of CNN five fucking minutes ago,” said the hoarse, screaming aide, who then added that if she didn’t see a holy text within the next 10 minutes, “your ass will never work in Washington, D.C. again.” “Listen, you little bitch, I don’t care if it’s the middle of a global pandemic, and I don’t give a shit if every bookstore is closed—this is the voice of a generation, so you will rob a fucking church if you have to, do you understand? This is going to be a fucking epic-Trump-takedown-iconic-girlpower-slam. Now hurry the fuck up. Before I end you.” At press time, the aide had slammed down the phone only to pick it up 30 seconds later and yell, “Oh yeah, and refill the Jeni’s ice cream in the fridge, or I’ll rip off your head and feed it to her fucking dog.”
Auntie Anne’s Breaks From Pack By Calling For Protesters To Be Shot #~# LANCASTER, PA—Taking a different approach from other major brands, which have released statements of support for peaceful nationwide demonstrations against police brutality, the popular pretzel shop chain Auntie Anne’s broke from the pack Tuesday by calling for all protesters to be shot. “We at Auntie Anne’s implore our nation’s law enforcement to open fire on individuals attempting to take one of our soft, fresh-baked pretzels without paying,” a statement from the company read in part, before continuing on to state that anyone who looted pretzels, pretzel nuggets, or pretzel dogs from one of its more than 1,500 locations would be confronted by an Auntie Anne’s team member with a semiautomatic firearm and a shoot-to-kill order. “If the authorities fail to react quickly and with overwhelming force, we will not hesitate to take matters into our own hands. Unlike those pussies at Cinnabon, Claire’s, or Spencer Gifts, we refuse to stay silent and will show no mercy to criminals making off with a pump dispenser of our signature cheese dip. Should these vandals steal so much as a teaspoon of our irresistible cinnamon-and-sugar-dusted pretzel dough, they will pay the ultimate price.” At press time, the company had released an additional statement to announce the rollout of its new “Blueberry Lives Matter” Sweet Pretzel.
Trump Throws Garbage Can Through McDonald’s Window Before Looting $2,000 In Big Macs #~# WASHINGTON—Shouting “Go! Go! Go!” as an alarm blared, President Donald Trump reportedly threw a garbage can through a McDonald’s window early Tuesday morning before looting $2,000 in Big Macs. According to sources, Trump, seemingly oblivious to the broken glass sticking out of his arm, then proceeded to stuff dozens of Filet-O-Fish sandwiches down the front of his shirt, grab a box of M&M McFlurry toppings, and jump out the window with a duffel bag overflowing with Big Macs and french fries, all before returning back inside the restaurant to put his mouth under the soft-serve machine again. Several eyewitness accounts confirmed that when law enforcement officers arrived at the scene, Secret Service members were protecting the president as chocolate shake dripped from his pockets and numerous apple pies tumbled from his grasp to the glass-strewn concrete. At press time, Trump had reportedly ordered Washington, D.C. to enact yet another curfew so that he could “hit the Baskin-Robbins tomorrow.”
Police Didn’t Spend Millions On Awesome Tank Just To Let Protests Stay Peaceful #~# LOS ANGELES—In response to concerns that law enforcement officers were escalating violence in the nationwide George Floyd uprisings, Los Angeles Police Department officials announced Tuesday that they didn’t spend millions on an awesome tank just to let protests stay peaceful. “We got the city to drop, like, $10 million on this sick tank and you expect we’ll just let people stand there chanting?” said LAPD chief Michael Moore, adding there was “no way in hell” that the department would let something like peaceful demonstrations stop them from making use of the vehicle’s “totally tricked-out” weapons system, armor, and ability to ram through virtually everything in its path. “I mean, the city wouldn’t buy a teacher a pencil and then tell them not to use it, right? This is the kind of hardware you just can’t let sit gathering dust—same with the grenade launchers, drones, and tear gas. We have whole storage bays full of projectiles and we’re supposed to just not use them? Get real. They wouldn’t give us all this killer stuff if we weren’t supposed to have a little fun.” LAPD officials added that the city’s residents deserved to witness the full scope of all the badass shit their tax dollars could do.
Roger Goodell Insists Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Wanted 17-Game Football Season In Front Of Full Stadiums #~# NEW YORK—Calling on the nation to honor the sacrifices of African American civil rights leaders, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell insisted Tuesday that Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted to see a 17-game football season and stadiums open to fans. “I quote the good Dr. King when I say, ‘Playing a full 17-week football season with paying fans will heal the nation,’” said Goodell, who claimed that the true injustice after all this unrest would be subjecting the nation to the same old 16-game season without any concession sales. “When Martin Luther was marching from Selma, he was dreaming of a world where people of all colors would be free to collect ad revenue on a full slate of live NFL games without government oppression. He spoke for us all when he said life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘Are You Ready For Some Football?’” Goodell ended his speech by saying that if a class-action concussion lawsuit were to be allowed against the NFL, then leaders like King and Malcolm X would have died in vain.
Community Of Losers Comes Together To Clean Graffiti Off Multinational Banking Conglomerate #~# Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.
Cities Nationwide Placed Under Curfews #~# Dozens of cities from major metropolitan areas like New York and Los Angeles to smaller population centers like Davenport, Iowa have been placed under curfew as the country enters a second week of protests against police brutality kicked off by the murder of George Floyd. What do you think?
De Blasio: ‘It Is An Honor To Have My Daughter Doxxed By The Greatest Police Force In The World’ #~# Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.
9 Things Introverts Do All The Time #~# Introverts don’t need to go out to have fun. They’re perfectly fine spending Friday night at home alone watching movies like Zodiac starring Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right featuring Mark Ruffalo, skipping to all the Mark Ruffalo scenes in Shutter Island, or simply rereading The Progressive’s April 2012 interview with actor Mark Ruffalo.
Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land #~# Scientists are constantly clamoring on about the mammal’s complex language and problem-solving ability, but according to a new study from the University of Florida, flapping around on the ground isn’t much to brag about for these supposedly smart marine creatures.
Minneapolis, New York City Bus Drivers Refuse To Help Police Transport Protestors #~# Transit worker unions in both Minneapolis and New York City announced this weekend that they stand in solidarity with protestors and will not allow the police to use buses to carry arrested citizens to jail or drive officers to protest locations. What do you think?
Sweatshop Worker Devastated To Hear Jacket She Worked So Hard On Looted #~# SHENZHEN, CHINA—Upset about the theft of one of the thousands of garments she had sewn, sweatshop worker Li Chen was devastated to hear Monday that the jacket she worked so hard on was looted. “It breaks my heart that I slaved away for 14 cents an hour in an extremely hot and poorly ventilated factory just to have my hard work stolen from Zara,” said Chen, explaining that it felt like she lost the tip of her finger sewing the lapel for nothing after learning that someone snatched the garment rather than paying the full retail price. “I don’t work 16-hour shifts so some person can waltz into a store and take the jacket I made without paying $85. It’s just absolutely devastating, that stitching was a nightmare. I should just take a pay cut to help out this poor company and everything they’ve been through. I feel bad for my shift supervisor who put his heart and soul into screaming at me to work faster.” At press time, Chen was comforted to learn that insurance covered the stolen item, and Zara would be just fine.
‘Let Them Have Eric,’ Screams Trump While Pushing Son Through Door Of Bunker #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to placate the protesters gathered outside, President Donald Trump reportedly screamed, “Let them have Eric!” Monday as he pushed his son through the door of a White House bunker. “Please, you can take Eric, just leave me alone,” said the commander in chief, shoving his third-born son through the bulletproof, double-reinforced door of the White House panic room, repeatedly smashing Eric Trump’s fingers with a large wrench to loosen their grip on the frame. “Tear him apart, do whatever you want with him. I’m sorry, son, but this sacrifice is for the greater good!” After learning that the protesters remained a quarter mile away and were completely separated from the structure by hundreds of Secret Service agents, Trump then threw out Don Jr. as well.
Miami Mayor Suggests Citizens May Be Able To Resume Grinding On Each Other By July 1 #~# MIAMI—Confirming that social-distancing measures had helped curb local Covid-19 cases, Mayor Francis Suarez suggested in a press conference Monday that it was possible the people of Miami could begin grinding on one another again by the end of the month. “I know everyone’s patience is waning, but 30 additional days of self-isolation will put us in a strong position to allow rhythmic, pelvis-on-pelvis gyrations to recommence on the dance floor in time for the Fourth of July weekend,” said Suarez, who emphasized that wearing a mask and washing one’s hands remained the best weapons in the fight for all Miamians to once more get freaky in public without fear of exposure to this particular disease. “Rest assured, we are monitoring the situation closely and look forward to the day when both residents and tourists can safely back that shit up without maintaining 6 feet of distance between their buttocks and the genitals they are attempting to rub up on. With your cooperation, we can ensure a swift return to our august tradition of dry-humping one another to reggaeton favorites in this city’s world-renowned clubs, restaurants, beaches, parks, and museums.” The mayor added that those with temperatures exceeding 99.5 degrees would likely be allowed to resume grinding as well, but would be asked to do so from the confines of a suspended go-go cage.
Trump Claims U.S. Will Designate Antifa A Terrorist Organization #~# Though he lacks the legal authority to do so, President Trump tweeted on Sunday that he will order the government to label antifa a terrorist group, a move that would face First Amendment challenges in court. What do you think?
Study Finds Majority Of Times Either Too Early Or Too Late #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding new light on the nation’s inability to determine a suitable spot on the schedule, a new study published Monday by researchers at Harvard University found that a majority of times were either too early or too late. “After thorough research, we can state definitively that virtually all scheduled appointments or activities throughout the day occur at a time that is universally regarded as either excruciatingly early or, conversely, unbearably late,” said lead researcher Rory DeWitt, confirming that 8 a.m. was unacceptable because it happened too soon in the morning, whereas 4 p.m. was unbearable because it occurred far after a tolerable time period. “Basically, each day has a roughly 30-minute window between 11:45 a.m. and 12:15 p.m. that can be regarded as a generally acceptable time for a scheduled event to occur, though even that varies wildly depending on the participants involved and what they were doing the night before.” DeWitt added that, based on the results of the study, he would strongly recommend just never leaving your bedroom for any reason at all. 
Fed Chairman Downloads Budgeting App To Help Manage Nation’s Economy #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the accounting tool would greatly help to keep track of the county’s finances and lower spending, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell reportedly downloaded a budgeting app Monday to help manage the nation’s economy. “In order to better oversee our $20 trillion GDP, I’ve signed up for a free trial of Mint on the app store,” said Powell, adding that the easy budget app would help ensure maximum economic efficiency by sending him a notification whenever the nation overspends on infrastructure or misses a debt payment to China. “I’m using the free version, which means there’s a bunch of annoying ads, but I’m willing to deal with that for the betterment of our country. I’ve only been using it a few days, and we’ve already managed to save millions of dollars on defense spending.” At press time, Powell had started cutting up all the nation’s credit cards.
7 Places You HAVE To Go After You Die #~# As soon as you die, you MUST start off with a visit to the morgue. You can get an autopsy if you need it, but you can totally just sit around in a refrigerator with dozens of other corpses until you’re identified.
Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters #~# State officials are taking these drastic measures after millions of Florida residents continued to ignore government instructions to get back out there and save the economy.
CNN Turns 40 #~# CNN launched on June 1, 1980, ushering the era of the 24-hour cable news cycle and significantly shifting the media landscape. The Onion looks back at key moments in CNN’s 40-year history.
Federal Troops Tear-Gas Yankees Off Field So Trump Can Throw Out First Pitch #~# NEW YORK—Moving in formation across the first-base line as terrified players scrambled into the dugout, federal troops reportedly tear-gassed the New York Yankees off the field Friday so President Donald Trump could throw out the first pitch before their opening home game. Sources confirmed that minutes before their contest against the Boston Red Sox was scheduled to begin, dozens of federal troops rushed onto the field and set upon the Yankees starters, pushing them into foul territory with riot shields and beating several of them—including Brett Gardner, Gio Urshela, and Gleyber Torres—with batons. Yankees players and coaches were heard to shout that they had no idea what was happening until they noticed a golf cart emerge from the bullpen with the president, who proceeded to stand on the mound and thank everyone for coming. As the tear gas near the dugout dissipated, federal agents in full riot gear could be seen placing zip cuffs on the Yankees’ relievers and attempting to confiscate cameras from the TV crew filming the game. At press time, team sources had confirmed they had been unaware of the president’s planned attendance, while Trump posed for pictures holding a baseball before dropping it on the mound and walking away.
Garth Brooks Withdraws Self From Top Country Music Association Award #~# Garth Brooks announced that he has taken himself out of the running for Entertainer of the Year at the 2020 CMA awards, saying he has already won seven times and it’s time for him to step aside so a younger generation can take the prize. What do you think?
Barack Obama Storms Out Of Michelle Obama Podcast Interview After Questions About Administration’s Drone Use #~# WASHINGTON—Suddenly standing up and ending the interview as the conversation took a more heated turn, former President Barack Obama reportedly stormed out of a taping of The Michelle Obama Podcast Friday after the host continually pressed him on his administration’s drone use policy. “Hey, this is a complete ambush and I don’t have to just sit here and take it,” said the ex-commander in chief, slamming the door of the studio on his way out before returning a few minutes later to continue cussing out Michelle Obama for what he viewed as “unfair ‘gotcha’ questions” about his controversial implementation of over 500 drone strikes during his presidency. “This was supposed to be a nice, low-key chat and you just spring all these accusations on me, none of which were on the pre-approved list of questions. You think this kind of bullshit is how you make a name for yourself in this business? Well guess what, Michelle? You fucked up! Good luck booking any more big-name guests after pissing off the fucking 44th president of the United States.” At press time, a visibly angry Obama was sitting in the car outside the studio, waiting for Michelle to finish so they could drive home together. 
Congress Approves Defense Relief Funding For Americans To Receive Stimulus Aircraft Carrier #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure that the nation’s armament needs are met during this tumultuous time, Congress reportedly approved defense relief funding Monday for every American to receive a stimulus aircraft carrier. “Starting this week, every American making under $75,000 will be sent a 100,000-ton Nimitz-class aircraft carrier to make certain they are taken care of when it comes to their naval arsenal,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, explaining how the nuclear-powered warships, each of which will be personally signed by President Donald Trump, will serve as a helping hand to the millions of families currently vulnerable to aquatic attacks. “We are proud to say that the bill was passed unanimously by both houses, as this infusion of warships will get the arms industries pumping again and put us on the path to stability. Although we are currently planning on a one-time delivery of these 1,000-foot seagoing airbases to help Americans weather this current storm, we are also leaving open the possibility of providing a second stimulus aircraft carrier down the line.” McConnell added that should Americans need to pay rent, they can always sell their aircraft carriers to the Saudi government.
Voting Rights Lawsuits That Could Affect The 2020 Election #~# A record 170 lawsuits have been filed around the country concerning voting rights, particularly in regard to the Covid-19 pandemic, and could have a significant impact on voting in November. The Onion looks at some of the most prominent voting rights lawsuits that could affect the 2020 election.
Hacky Pop-Up Book’s Narrative Tension Pretty Dependent On Lifting Colored Flaps #~# IOWA CITY, IA—Deriding the work’s narrative structure as formulaic and ultimately predictable, local 4-year-old Sophia Newsome issued a pointed critical assessment of the pop-up book Mr. Pottle’s Green Garden Friday, arguing it was overly dependent upon the lifting of colored flaps. “Naturally, I was impressed the first time I turned up a shiny, glitter-adorned flap and Mrs. Rabbit suddenly entered the story, but by the fourth or fifth time it happened, it became clear that [author Janet] Whipple was relying too much on this single device to generate dramatic tension,” said Newsome, admitting she asked her father to put down the book after “patiently enduring” the introductions by flap-lift of Mr. Worm, Mr. Bumblebee, Mr. Mouse, and Miss Frog. “Though in and of itself, the colored flap, as an extratextual construct, may be praiseworthy, its use by Whipple in these pages feels shopworn and a bit jejune. Unfortunately, I fear Mr. Pottle’s Green Garden is even less successful than the author’s foray into scratch-and-sniff literature.” Newsome later conceded her initial gloss of the text may have been too superficial, citing the cheery song about a scarecrow that plays when the book’s last page is turned. 
Federal Agents Drive 3 Hours Away From Portland Before Realizing Abducted Protester Still In Backseat #~# ECHO, OR—Cursing their inattention and debating whether they should turn around, several U.S. federal agents reportedly had driven three hours away from Portland Friday before realizing an abducted protester was still in the backseat. “Goddamnit, how did we miss him?” said federal agent Steve LaJoie to his partner after hearing muffled cries from a handcuffed man and registering that he must have been unconscious in the backseat of their unmarked vehicle for nearly 200 miles since the operatives had pulled out of Portland. “Shit, we hightailed it out of there so quickly we didn’t even check the backseat. Hey, Dave, did you pick up this guy? I don’t remember grabbing him and shoving him back there. Fuck, our ass is grass if we show up at headquarters with an abducted protester. Someone look online to see if anyone’s posting about him going missing. There’s only one, right? Check under the seats.” At press time, the federal agents had decided to pull over at the next ditch and shoot him.
Real-Life ‘Nintendogs’? This Furry 4-Legged Creature Loves To Snuggle And Play #~# Ever since its 2005 release, Nintendogs has built up a loyal fanbase of those who fell in love with the title’s adorable cast of cuddly characters, yet resigned themselves to never seeing anything as cute in their daily lives. Well, gamers, feast your eyes on this: It turns out there’s a real-life creature called a “possum” that’s just as snuggly as a Nintendog.
Highlights From The First Week Of MLB Play #~# After protracted negotiations over the details of playing during the Covid-19 pandemic, Major League Baseball finally began a shortened 60-game season last week. Here are The Onion Sports’ highlights from the first week of play.
Authorities Abandon Search For Missing Girl After Finding Huge Bass While Dredging Lake #~# Police in Franklin Country, IL have called off their search for missing 12-year-old Brittany Morel after reeling in what they believe to be at least a 20-pounder, which would make it the largest bass ever hooked on Rend Lake.
New Blood Test Could Diagnose Alzheimer’s In Dementia Patients #~# Scientists say a newly developed blood test can accurately diagnose whether a patient has Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia, allowing doctors to provide better treatments and prognoses and opening the door for researchers to one day develop a test for people who are not showing symptoms. What do you think?
Mattel Unveils Barbie 2020 Campaign Team Dolls #~# Mattel announced a lineup of four new Barbie dolls, including a presidential candidate, a campaign manager, a fundraiser, and a voter, which the company hopes will encourage young girls to see themselves in public leadership roles. What do you think?
Biden Campaign Whittles VP Shortlist Down To Either Woman Or Man With Long Hair #~# WASHINGTON—Following months of scrupulous vetting and careful political calculation, Joe Biden’s vice-presidential selection committee announced Thursday it had whittled down its shortlist to include only women, and also men who have long hair. “I believe a presidential administration should look like the country it represents, so I’ve decided my running mate will be a woman—quite possibly a woman of color—or else a man with long, flowing locks that fall at least to his shoulders,” said Biden, noting that a candidate from either category could make history, whether as the first female vice president, or as the first male vice president with long hair in modern times—perhaps since John Tyler, who was elected to the post in 1940 with a shaggy, unkempt mane. “We’ve got our list down to five highly qualified women and ruggedly styled men, any one of whom would make a fantastic addition to Team Joe. These are candidates whose unique identities have informed their experiences, whether as accomplished women who have carved out careers in fields traditionally dominated by men, or as men with curly waves cascading down their necks who know what it’s like to make their way in a world run by short-haired men. Rest assured, my White House will reflect this nation’s great diversity of awesome looks.” At press time, Biden had clarified any long-haired man selected wouldn’t be a hippie.
Top Contenders For The 2020 NBA Season Restart #~# After a four-month suspension of play caused by the coronavirus pandemic, the NBA returns to action in the locked-down Orlando bubble on Thursday, with 22 remaining teams competing for the Larry O’Brien Trophy. Here are Onion Sports’ top contenders.
Ravens Fan Can’t Believe Ray Lewis Charging $300 On Cameo Just To Stab People #~# BALTIMORE—Scouring the video-messaging app to find the perfect birthday gift for his best friend and fellow season ticket holder, Ravens fan Dedrick Bell reportedly couldn’t believe Thursday that Ray Lewis was charging just $300 dollars on Cameo to stab people. “I know it’s a little pricey, but my buddy’s gonna flip when Ray jabs a knife into his gut,” said Bell, explaining that all of his friends would love seeing the Hall Of Famer and Ravens great doing what he did best, even if it was just for 30 seconds. “We still love the team, but that 2001 Super Bowl squad just holds a special place in our hearts, and nobody could assault with a deadly weapon like Ray Lewis. That bloody suit is still one of the most iconic memories from when we were young. It’s a lot more than what I was planning to spend, but he’s only turning 30 once, so I decided to splurge for the serrated blade, too.” At press time, Bell paid an extra $100 dollars for Lewis to frame him for his friends’ murder.
Thighs On Fucking Fire 12 Seconds Into Flirty Lap Dance #~# SAN DIEGO—Attempting to pass off the immediate, uncontrollable shaking of her legs as some sort of playful shimmy, sources confirmed Thursday that the thighs of local woman Meg Berger, 26, were already “on fucking fire” just 12 seconds into a flirty lap dance for her boyfriend. “Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, it burns, wow,” said a flushed Berger under her breath, attempting to continue grinding against her boyfriend’s crotch in a smooth, seductive manner despite the radial bursts of white-hot pain shooting up her quadriceps. “Christ, I thought I was in decent shape, but I’ll barely be able to move tomorrow. Why didn’t I stretch! Maybe he won’t notice if I put my full body weight on his shoulders for a quick second. Shit, fuck—they’re going to give out completely if I don’t keep moving. How long is this goddamn song, anyway? I’ll just find a sultry way to lie down and pretend that’s all part of it.” At press time, Berger was seen rolling on the carpet groaning in agony as her boyfriend drove to CVS for some emergency IcyHot.
Ellen: ‘I Never Intended To Make Staff Feel Unsafe By Wearing A Bloodied Ram Skull And Stalking Them With A Hatchet’ #~# BURBANK, CA—Responding to allegations of mistreating employees on the set of her talk show, television host Ellen DeGeneres issued a public apology Thursday, stating “I never intended to make staff feel unsafe by wearing a bloodied ram skull and stalking them with a hatchet.” “If anyone ever felt hurt when I threw them up against a wall, held the blade to their neck, and screamed, ‘I will fucking kill you,’ I’m sorry,” said DeGeneres, who expressed her heartfelt concern for any role she may have played in creating a workplace environment in which horrified employees cowered on their hands and knees as she randomly bashed in their desks. “The idea that any member of my hardworking team would feel afraid as I drank wine out of a hollow femur and shrieked that I would come for anyone who dared threaten my sole dominance over this studio is deeply disturbing to me. It was clearly never my intention to intimidate anyone by saying, ‘I’m going to chop off your head and piss on your corpse.’ I feel terrible for the way this has been misconstrued.” At press time, DeGeneres had pulled a flail out of her jacket and apologized for what she was about to do to her publicist.
Theoretical Astro-Fetishists Posit Black Holes Could Be Used For Anonymous Sex Across Parallel Universes #~# BERKELEY, CA—Building on previous work into the hidden dimensions of sexual ecstasy that lie beyond our understanding of space and time, a team of theoretical astro-fetishists published a groundbreaking paper Thursday that posits black holes could be used for anonymous sex across the infinite parallel worlds of the multiverse. “Our advanced cosmological model indicates that if you were to insert your penis into a black hole, there’s a very real chance you could be pleasured by alien life-forms in a potentially unlimited number of universes,” said astro-fetish professor Dave Bucknell, explaining that a parallel universe accessed through black holes could operate according to complete different natural laws and, as such, could allow for orgasms unlike anything one could experience in our own reality. “There are indications that while the extreme gravity of the black holes would tear apart your genitals on a molecular level and pull them into long, thin strands, the erotic sensation would be absolutely incredible. You wouldn’t be able to see what those mysterious beings from an alternate universe were doing to your penis, but that would of course be part of the thrill.” The theoretical astro-fetishists confirmed they had recently applied for a grant that would allow them to test their hypothesis by launching perverts into a black hole penis-first.
Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300 #~# Hear how Carter managed to pull off the amazing feat during an official PBA-certified game two weeks ago, earning his face a coveted spot on the massive stone structure.
Teens In India Discover Asteroid Near Mars #~# Space India and NASA have confirmed that two 14-year-olds working on a school project, Vaidehi Vekariya and Radhika Lakhani, have discovered an asteroid that will cross Earth’s orbit roughly one million years from now. What do you think?
Tech CEOs Testify Before Congress In Antitrust Hearing #~# Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, Mark Zuckerberg, and Sundar Pichai testified before Congress on Wednesday following a year of investigation by the House Antitrust Subcommittee into accusations that the companies’ practices harm consumers and stifle competition. What do you think?
Brian Kemp Pushes Against Coronavirus Restrictions By Moving All Government Business To Packed Indoor Pool #~# ATLANTA—Further escalating tensions with the mayors of his state, Georgia governor Brian Kemp reportedly pushed against calls for more coronavirus restrictions Wednesday by moving all government business to a packed indoor pool. “In order to fight the gross government overreach of these so-called protective measures, we will be holding all budget, infrastructure, and judiciary meetings in a 25-meter indoor pool that’s absolutely crammed with swimmers,” said Kemp who addressed the press while treading water, adding that there will be a total ban on masks and reporters would only be allowed to ask questions if they hopped into the pool. “By conducting our affairs in an aquatic recreation area with a lack of social distancing measures and poor ventilation, we want to show that we stand with all the Georgians out there who refuse to let the government dictate their lives. All breakout sessions will be held in the shallow end while floor votes will be taking place in lanes 1 through 4, and as for refreshments, there will be a floating beverage station with a communal glass of water for everyone to drink out of.” At press time, Kemp demanded everyone stay in the water after Lt. Gov. Geoff Duncan urinated in the pool.
Rob Manfred Frustrated MLB Season Falling Apart Despite All The Energy He Put Into Wishing It Wouldn’t #~# NEW YORK—Incredulous that all his work could be for nothing, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred told reporters Wednesday he was frustrated the season is already falling apart despite all the energy he put into wishing it wouldn’t. “I concentrated super hard, squeezed my eyes shut tight, and wished that the MLB season would turn out well, and yet things are still not working out,” said Manfred, who claimed he was in hundreds of meetings with top MLB executives over the past months outlining detailed hopes and prayers they had for a smooth and safe 2020 season. “Nobody talked about keeping players safe harder than me this year. It almost feels like this was going to backfire no matter how much I repeated ‘This will be okay.’ I always believed in the power of coming into work and wanting something real bad every day, but I fell short this time. I just wish I knew what to wish for to stop this.” At press time, Manfred announced a new quarantine plan to fine players $100,000 for contracting coronavirus.
Hopefully Neighborhood Children Enjoy 2004 Coding Textbook Man Added To Lending Library #~# PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to make a positive impact in his community, local software engineer Marquis Edwin hoped Wednesday that the children in his neighborhood would enjoy the 2004 coding textbook he added to the lending library. “This is going to give them a really solid foundation of code and debugging techniques, and the sky’s the limit from there,” said Edwin, who figured there were already enough Danielle Steele, Andrew Vachss, and Roald Dahl books.“I think someone will get a real kick out of it. This edition is actually less than 20 years old and, besides, this stuff never really goes out of date.” At press time, Edwin wrote his name and phone number in the textbook in case any of the children had questions for him. 
Scientists Locate Impact Crater From Asteroid That Destroyed Roman Empire #~# ROME—Shedding new light on the demise of the long-extinct sovereignty, archeologists from Princeton University announced Wednesday that they had located the impact crater made by the asteroid that destroyed the Roman Empire. “This astonishing find helps us understand what really occurred during the final days of the great epoch when Romans ruled the Earth,” said lead researcher Alicia Shelangoski, confirming that the date of the impact coincided with the end of the Empire and should put to rest longstanding theories attributing Romans’ demise to volcanic activity near Pompeii or global temperatures becoming too low for Mediterranean citizens to survive. “Based on the size and location of the crater, we believe that the projectile originally collided with the Forum, effectively obliterating the seat of Roman power, then ricocheted off against several key roads and aqueducts before finally making ground on the shores of the Tiber. It happened so quickly that these once-mighty emperors and patricians likely never saw it coming.” At press time, Shelangoski admitted that some scientists continued to theorize that Romans who were able to adapt to the new political climate had actually spread and flourished throughout Byzantium.
Pros And Cons Of Banning TikTok #~# TikTok, a wildly popular video-sharing app, has come under fire from President Trump and tech security critics both for being owned by a large Chinese company and for the spread of conspiracy theories on the platform, leading to calls for it to be banned in the U.S. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning TikTok.
Funeral Alright #~# ROCKFORD, IL—Describing the ceremony as lackluster but nonetheless functional, family friend Taylor Evans told reporters Wednesday that the homegoing service of Charles Culpepper was just alright. “It wasn’t one of my favorites—not even in top five—but it celebrated Chuck’s life, and that’s ultimately what it’s all about,” said Evans, noting the “less than spectacular” turnout and describing the reception spread as “fairly pedestrian.” “I like that his granddaughter kept it short with her eulogy, although it didn’t sound like they had much of a connection. They had a little slideshow of pictures, and a few of them were pretty funny, I guess. Honestly, it wasn’t the most organized funeral, either. We had some trouble getting the procession set up, but it all got sorted out eventually. I decided to skip the repass, and that should really tell you all you need to know.” At press time, Evans tossed out Culpepper’s funeral program after resolving that it didn’t merit a spot on his wall-of-fame. 
God Reminds Angels That Helping Struggling Baseball Teams Their Number-One Priority #~# THE HEAVENS—Admonishing His flock for concerning themselves with human affairs beyond the ballpark, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, reminded angels Wednesday that helping struggling baseball teams was their number-one priority. “If I don’t see you giving a lackluster batter the strength to hit a home run, I’m shipping your ass out,” said the Lord Our Savior, clarifying that MLB players experiencing family strife, which could be solved with a World Series win, should receive priority status. “I understand some of you are new here and want to help poor and sick people, but you need to understand that we focus on scrappy ball clubs. That’s the point of religion. Sure, every now and then I’ll grant a dying child’s wish, but that’s for Me to worry about. You should spend most of your day distracting elite baseball teams, so tenacious underdogs can score off errors.” At press time, God banished six angels from His heavenly kingdom for gambling on the Yankees. 
Fisher-Price Announces Company Has Grown Out Of Making Stupid Toys For Babies #~# They want to make cool toys for big kids, like video games and airsoft guns. But is the company best known for making rattles and corn poppers mature enough to make the leap?
Rescue Team Saves St. Bernard From England’s Highest Peak #~# A team of 16 rescuers say they “didn’t need to think twice” about mobilizing and retrieving a 120-pound St. Bernard named Daisy from Scafell Pike, England’s highest peak, on Friday after she injured her leg at the summit. What do you think?
Kyrie Irving Donates $1.5 Million To Support WNBA Players Sitting Out Season #~# Brooklyn Nets point guard Kyrie Irving has pledged $1.5 million to help supplement the incomes of WNBA players who have opted out of the 2020 season due to coronavirus concerns or for social justice reasons. What do you think?
Area Man Will Always Remember This As The Summer He Lived Life Normally And Everyone Was Mad At Him #~# AUSTIN, TX—Getting sentimental as he discussed going about his regular routine to the outrage of those around him, area man Mike Kinkel told reporters Tuesday that he would always remember this as the summer he lived life normally and everyone got really mad at him all the time. “Years from now, when I look back on these months, I’ll fondly recall how I didn’t change my behavior one bit and people often crossed the street to avoid me, in some cases yelling at me about how I was helping to spread deadly germs,” said Kinkel, blissfully reminiscing about his annual Fourth of July barbecue bash, which he held with his usual 75-person guest list, only to be cursed out by his neighbors for the large gathering. “People will remember this summer for a lot of reasons, but for me what stands out are the times I continued to eat indoors at all my favorite restaurants while people walking passed gave me the stink eye and muttered that I was a fucking asshole for not wearing a mask. It’ll be fun to go back through my social media feed years from now and read all the angry comments on the photos I posted of me out on the town or in crowded, unventilated bars with my group of friends.” At press time, sources confirmed Kinkel was busy making new summertime memories while being intubated by irritated doctors.
‘We Are Upholding The Rule Of Law,’ Bill Barr Tells Congress While Federal Agents Drag Jerry Nadler Into Unmarked Van #~# WASHINGTON—Assuring lawmakers that his department was operating strictly according to the book, Attorney General Bill Barr told Congress during a testimony Tuesday that he only intended to “uphold the rule of law” while federal agents dragged a screaming Jerry Nadler outside into an unmarked van. “This is standard agency practice that has been in place in administrations long before this one to quiet unrest like what we’re seeing in the Capitol building today,” said Barr after unidentified agents burst into the House Chamber, covered the California representative’s face with a black bag, zip-tied his hands, and led him to a white federal vehicle awaiting along with Reps. Hakeem Jeffries and Pramila Jayapal. “When you have hundreds of Congress members demonstrating inside the building daily, we need to do something to restore order. Frankly, the resistance like some of these legislators showed in being dragged from this testimony suggests that they do not have peaceful intentions.” At press time, Mitch McConnell had requested Barr provide immediate testimony to explain why he had not yet also sent in troops to restore order in the unruly Senate chambers.
Queen Elizabeth II Worried She’s Next On Chopping Block If Beefeaters Laid Off #~# LONDON—Following last week’s announcement that the Tower of London guards known as Beefeaters could face layoffs for the first time since their formation in 1485, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly grew concerned Tuesday that she could be “next on the chopping block.” “Oh dear, if the Yeoman Warders who keep watch over my Crown Jewels have been sacked, it won’t be long before they get ’round to me, will it?” said the visibly nervous 94-year-old monarch, who acknowledged the severity of her country’s economic downturn and conceded she had carried out far fewer knightings since the coronavirus lockdown began, despite continuing to receive her estimated $97.2 million annual salary. “Eventually some consultant will notice I’m still on the payroll and decide my kingdom can get along without me. I suppose I have been coasting a bit for the past six or seven decades. If they do make me redundant, they’ll have to restructure a bit, since no one else here has the same job title I do—or maybe they’ll just replace me with someone younger.” At press time, sources confirmed the queen was making phone calls and sending emails in an attempt to at least look busy.
L.A. Designates Open-Air Dining Areas Along 101 Freeway Median #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide residents with a way to more safely patronize restaurants without fear of contracting Covid-19, Los Angeles officials announced a new initiative Tuesday to designate open-air dining areas along the 101 freeway median. “We’re thrilled to take this bold step to give Angelinos a chance to dine while enjoying the sights and sounds of the iconic L.A. stretch of interstate highway,” said Mayor Eric Garcetti, telling reporters that the designated sections would be spaced out at socially distant intervals and minimize contact with servers by keeping restaurant staff on the opposite side of the road until they needed to dash across three lanes of traffic to take orders and serve food. “This will provide much-needed economic relief to local restaurants and give L.A. residents a chance to get out of their homes and enjoy some of the best cuisine in the country in a safe and responsible way.” At press time, Garcetti had placed the initiative on a temporary pause after a 10-car pileup caused widespread delays to brunch orders. 
Mom Calls Daughter In Panic After Ultra-Realistic Nightmare That She Chopped Off Her Beautiful Hair #~# SANTA CLARITA, CA—Saying that the terrifying image was still seared into her brain, local mom Jeannine Kirchner called her daughter Tuesday in a panic after she had an ultra-realistic nightmare she cut off her beautiful hair. “Oh my God, I had the worst dream last night, where I was just sitting on my couch and then all of a sudden you texted me and told me you cut six inches of your gorgeous locks,” said Kirchner, adding that when she finally saw her daughter in the dream, her hair was up by her chin, which didn’t compliment her face shape at all. “I don’t know, it just felt so real, you know? Not to be dramatic, but you just worked so hard to grow out your hair after that awful bob you got a few years ago. Promise you’ll never cut it like that again, or dye it, or get one of those haircuts where you shave the side of your head. Okay?” At press time, Kirchner let out a blood-curdling scream when her daughter revealed that she had, in fact, gotten bangs yesterday.
Anteater ‌Knows‌ ‌It‌’s Stereotypical‌ ‌But‌ ‌Can’t‌ ‌Help‌ ‌But‌ ‌Love‌ Ants‌ #~# GRAN CHACO, BOLIVIA—Despite expressing reservations about being a caricature of his entire species, local giant anteater Armando Snout confirmed Tuesday that even though he knew it was stereotypical, he couldn’t help but love ants. “I know, I know, I’m a walking cliché, but can you blame a guy—they’re just plain delicious,” said the anteater, adding that no matter how many termites or soft-bodied grubs he ate, he always found himself going right back to ants. “What am I supposed to do, pretend like I don’t love those little dudes? If I’m being totally honest, there’s nothing I’d rather do than stick my long tongue into an anthill and spend my afternoon sucking them out by the dozen. I don’t want to be a self-parody or anything, but fruit bats like fruit, and you don’t see them freaking out.” At press time, the anteater had retracted his comments after accidentally getting his tongue stuck in an ant colony. 
U.S. Requires Hurricanes To Quarantine For 2 Weeks Before Traveling To Other States Along Coastline #~# The NOAA is ordering all tropical cyclones to storm in place for a minimum of 14 days before moving on to destroy other parts of the country.
Missing Red Panda Returns To Columbus Zoo #~# A two-year-old red panda named Kora has returned on her own accord after escaping from her enclosure at the Columbus Zoo in Ohio last week, relieving staff members who say she recently gave birth to two cubs. What do you think?
Trump Advisors Say Americans Will Get Second $1,200 Stimulus Check #~# Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and White House advisor Larry Kudlow both asserted this weekend that the next round of coronavirus relief legislation will include another $1,200 check for Americans making less than $75,000 a year. What do you think?
Closed Ballpark Forces Thousands Of Phillies Fans To Be Content Verbally Threatening Friends And Family #~# PHILADELPHIA—Lamenting that it was just not the same without the communal atmosphere of a live game, thousands of Phillies fans reported Monday that the closing of Citizens Bank Park has forced them to be content verbally threatening their friends and family. “I’m glad baseball is back, but screaming at my daughter to sit the fuck down is a poor substitute for the experience of harassing strangers at a ballpark,” said local fan Mike D’Amato, who revealed that without the outlet of going to see baseball live, he had to spend the afternoon whipping beer bottles at his dog and intentional bumping into his son before challenging him to a fight. “Live games just have this energy you can’t replicate. When I shove my kid into a wall and threaten to put him in a wheelchair for life, it doesn’t have the same sense of excitement as it does with another fan. Sure, I can still get drunk, but yelling ‘homo’ at my wife isn’t as fulfilling as yelling from the stands at Juan Soto.” D’Amato added that the one upside of being at home was never being worried that his violent threats would get him ejected from the house.
More Cities Offering Drive-Thru Covid Injection Sites To Put Citizens Out Of Misery #~# STANFORD, CA—In a survey of how the nation’s local officials have responded to the pandemic in the absence of a consistent federal approach, Stanford University researchers confirmed Monday that more cities have begun offering drive-thru Covid-19 injection sites to put citizens out of their misery. “By injecting people with SARS-CoV-2, these pop-up locations provide an effective way to escape the endless anguish, gloom, and isolation this virus has inflicted upon us—and all from the convenience of one’s car,” said report co-author Sara Pappas, explaining that a certain percentage of those receiving the injection inevitably die, but whether through death or immunity, all those infected receive sweet release from an untenable situation they just can’t take anymore. “Individuals who have experienced feelings of hopelessness or despair in recent months may wish to seek out one of these drive-up facilities. Restaurant and service workers who interact with the public on a regular basis can generally receive their injections for free, and those with health insurance are covered as well, with most insurers paying the full cost of the injection and up to 10% of any subsequent hospitalizations.” Pappas went on to state that if only 80 to 90% of Americans would visit these Covid-19 injection sites, the pandemic would be over in weeks.
Rep. Yoho Removed From Charity Board Over Sexist Comments Toward Ocasio-Cortez #~# The Christian non-profit Bread for the World announced that they have asked Florida Rep. Ted Yoho to resign from their board after he called Rep. Ocasio-Cortez a “fucking bitch,” saying “his behavior in the past few days does not reflect the values of respect and compassion that Jesus calls on us to exhibit every day and we expect from our board members.” What do you think?
Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security #~# CHICAGO—Expressing frustration over officials ignoring his years of on-the-job experience and finely honed skills, defensive Chicago police officer Dylan Wilson told reporters Monday that he was perfectly capable of disappearing protesters without help from the Department of Homeland Security. “It’s quite frankly insulting that these federal agents think we need their assistance violating the civil rights of lawful protesters by rounding them up and throwing them into jail cells,” said Wilson, explaining that the federal government couldn’t even begin to match the Chicago Police Department’s ability to terrorize the community. “Honestly, those guys are amateurs compared to us. Chicago P.D. wrote the book on stifling dissidents and covering the whole thing up. We have a whole system of dehumanizing demonstrators that’s been in place for over 100 years, and they think they can come in on day one and tell us how things work? Give me a fucking break.” At press time, Wilson was humbled after realizing he could disappear even more protesters by setting aside his differences with the federal agents and working together to brutalize citizens.
Whoopsies: The Vatican Has Ruled That Nintendo Committed A Venial Sin After Imbuing Lifeless Paper Products With The Soul Of Mario #~# We’ve got some embarrassing news, gamers. After Paper Mario: The Origami King’s positive reception and solid sales, we thought Nintendo was sitting pretty for the summer. But a recent papal brief issued from Vatican City suggests that the iconic video game company might have stepped in it with the Catholic Church. According to Pope Francis’ latest papal bull, Verbum Chartum, Nintendo committed a venial sin when they imbued a lifeless paper product with the soul of Mario.
Irresponsible Man Not Even Doing Part To Develop Coronavirus Vaccine #~# PHOENIX—Expressing frustration over his cavalier attitude toward the pandemic, community sources confirmed Monday that local man Larry Baker wasn’t even doing his part to develop a coronavirus vaccine. “Doesn’t this guy know that if we pooled our resources together, we could create a vaccine in a matter of days,” said fellow grocery store shopper Sarit Diaz, who feared she was living in a country full of people who can’t be inconvenienced to do basic laboratory research to identify antigens for the greater good of humanity. “The government might have mishandled their response, but this is on our hands now. Look at how selfish he is. None of his kids are working on a vaccine, either. I mean, sure, his wife is donating to vaccine research, but it doesn’t really matter if she’s the only one.” At press time, shoppers confronted Baker demanding that he start administering clinical trials.
Bush Administration Reunites On Zoom For Table Read Of National Intelligence Brief Used To Justify Iraq War #~# DALLAS—Catering to fans of the iconic global conflict that ran from 2003 to 2011, the major figures from the George W. Bush administration reunited on Zoom Monday for a table read of the National Intelligence Assessment used to justify the invasion of Iraq. “The country’s going through some difficult times right now, and we just thought it would be fun to get the old gang back together to read the document that kicked off Operation Iraqi Freedom all those years ago,” said former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld of the reunion special that was broadcast live on YouTube and included key players Paul Wolfowitz, Dick Cheney, and even longtime holdout Colin Powell reprising their classic roles from the original military intervention. “I have to admit, I was shocked when I first sat down to re-read it, because so much of what was originally on the page never even ended up getting broadcast to America—some of the most memorable lines, like the ones about Saddam’s nuclear capabilities or the links to al Qaeda, were just riffs that we made up on the fly. So, it was a bit of a challenge to recreate that energy 17 years later and over the internet, but pretty soon we got back in the swing of things and started having as much fun as ever—honestly, it’s wild, some of the stuff they let us get away with back then. And sure, not all of it holds up, but I think people will get a real nostalgia boost out of reliving one of the undisputed highlights of the early 2000s.” Rumsfeld added that thanks to a generous outpouring of support by viewers, the table read had successfully raised over $20 million for The Heritage Foundation. 
Missing Teen Looks Like He Can Probably Take Care of Himself Out There #~# ARLINGTON, MA—Noting that from a quick glance it seemed like he’d fare all right, observers of a missing person poster confirmed Monday that the young man pictured looked like he could probably take care of himself out there. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a drag that they can’t find him, but from what I can see he’s got a pretty strong frame and I don’t think it would kill him to sleep on a park bench for a couple of nights,” said local man Drew Klause, noting that the teenager’s spry build and youthful exuberance meant he would most likely bounce back from any trauma resulting from attempted muggings or scuffles with other homeless individuals. “I remember at that age I was in peak physical condition and basically felt like I was invincible, and there’s no way I was in as good of shape as this kid is. Plus, he’s got a really kind-looking face, so I bet it wouldn’t be hard to get someone to take pity on him and give him a few bucks for a motel room.” Klause went on to admit that if it turned out the missing teen had a chemical dependency or mental health issues, he was pretty much fucked.
Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans #~# OPR has the latest on the One Percent’s shining commitment to oppress the powerless, even in the face of economic uncertainty during the pandemic.
Excited Vlad Guerrero Jr. Can’t Believe He Gets To Keep Foul Ball #~# TAMPA, FL—Expressing glee that he could hold on to the souvenir for himself without fans in attendance, Blue Jays third baseman Vladimir Guerrero Jr. told reporters Friday that he couldn’t believe he got to keep a foul ball. “A free ball—can’t beat that!” said Guerrero, who tossed it up the air to himself in amazement after running down a fly ball along the left field wall. “This is so cool. I always have to toss the ball to some kid, but now they’re all mine. Oh man, I’m probably gonna have a whole box of these by year’s end. Wait till I show all my friends! I’m keeping this one on my nightstand for sure.” At press time, Guererro was waiting patiently outside the Rays bench trying to get third baseman Yandy Diaz to sign his ball.
House Censures Ocasio-Cortez For Using Sexist Slur On Floor Of Congress #~# WASHINGTON—With its vote to adopt a resolution denouncing the freshman’s congresswoman behavior, the House of Representatives formally censured Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Friday for employing the sexist slur “fucking bitch” in a speech on the House floor the day prior. “The representative from New York’s 14th District is hereby condemned for her unapologetic enunciation of these hateful, abusive words, which not only brought disgrace to this esteemed body but were incredibly demeaning to all womankind,” House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy said as he read aloud the official rebuke, adding that as a woman herself, Ocasio-Cortez should have known better than to speak aloud the unconscionable term, let alone read it into the Congressional Record. “Her appalling speech of July 23 does not reflect the values of the United States Congress, nor does it reflect the example we wish to set for our children—especially our daughters. While this body will not ask what prompted her to adopt such unprofessional language, it will require the representative to issue an immediate apology to her colleagues or face further disciplinary action for her misconduct.” In his own words, McCarthy went on to observe that it was too soon to tell just how far back Ocasio-Cortez had set “young ladies” in Congress with her “hysterical” outburst.
Everything We Learned From The New ‘Halo Infinite’ Gameplay Trailer #~# Anyone who played the original Halo:Combat Evolved way back in 2001 knows few shooters have reached the giddy heights of awe-inspiring combat and massive battles—that is, until they got a peek at the in-game trailer for 343 Industries’ first release in the franchise exclusively made for the next generation. Ready to get your nostalgia button pressed? Here’s everything we learned from the new Halo Infinite gameplay trailer.
Taylor Swift Drops Surprise Album #~# Taylor Swift released her eighth album, Folklore, in a surprise midnight release on Thursday, announcing on social media that she wrote the songs during lockdown and in collaboration with Bon Iver, The National, and Jack Antonoff. What do you think?
Twitter Bans 7,000 Hate Accounts That Were A Little Too On The Nose #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Citing the dangerous precedent it set to allow users to continue tweeting without the slightest ounce of nuance or subtlety, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced Friday that they banned 7,000 hate accounts that were a little too on the nose. “As per Twitter’s guidelines, there is a zero-tolerance policy for speech that just comes right out and incites violence against certain groups, without giving people the chance to really read between the lines,” said Dorsey, adding that the social media giant had sent repeated warnings to offenders, asking them to use coded messages or dog whistle phrasing rather than outright doxxing people or threatening to violently murder people in their homes. “While we at Twitter value free speech, we simply could not allow these accounts to continue spreading hate and endangering the lives of others in such a hack and, frankly, overdone way. We hope that removing these accounts sends a powerful message: This type of behavior has no place online, unless it’s done with a wink.” At press time, Dorsey had reinstated the accounts after they threatened to kill him in a subtle, actually kind of funny way. 
Victoria’s Secret Introduces New Sexy Push-Up Jack For Maximum Lift #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Calling it a “fun, hydraulic-powered way” to support curves of all shapes and sizes, Victoria’s Secret introduced Friday a new sexy push-up jack for maximum lift. “Made from a combination of polyester lace, breathable microfiber, and titanium steel, the Victoria’s Secret sexy push-up jack is guaranteed to lift up to 5,000 lbs of breast and look amazing doing it,” said spokesperson Amy Slack, adding that the loading saddles in their flirtatious “Steel Pump Collection” came in many styles, sizes, and colors. “Simply place it on the ground, crank to your desired cup size, and voila—the results speak for themselves. Then, when you’re done, slowly lower your breasts, lubricate the pressure points with our patented pink oil, release trapped air from the jack, and put the device into your garage for the night.” At press time, Victoria’s Secret had added a LED to the jack so women could brighten up their cleavage. 
Student Travels To Remote Indian Temple To Train With Legendary Yoga Ball #~# RISHIKESH, INDIA—Arriving early Friday at a remote Himalayan temple after weeks of strenuous travel, American yoga student Jennifer Miller dressed in the traditional moisture-wicking clothing required of pilgrims, unrolled her ceremonial rubber mat, and began his training under the legendary yoga ball known internationally as The Round One. “Ever since my guru tasked me with reading Ball Rishi’s book, I have known that the only way to truly elevate my yogic discipline would be to make the brutal journey out here and bask in his wisdom for myself,” said Miller, a yoga devotee and marketing director from Sacramento, California, who undertook a six-day trek through flooded Ganges marshland in 100-degree heat to reach the steps of the ancient studio where the famed orb resides with his coterie of yoga blocks. “This most revered ball is rumored to be nearly 150 years old and is said to have spent its entire existence, since mere moments after its inflation, in the practice of yoga. Its methods may be controversial, as the ball has transcended beyond the need for food and water and subsists only on breath, but I am awed by the amount of mental and spiritual strength necessary for The Round One to sit in utter silent and spherical contemplation for 24 hours a day. I do not approach this undertaking lightly, but I know if I truly commit myself to the methods of the ball, I will be completely transformed.” Miller was last seen fleeing into the Himalayan foothills moments after a large popping sound was heard echoing throughout the monastery.
Country Time CEO Unsure If Company Supposed To Be Racist Or Not #~# CHICAGO, IL—Admitting that they had made no significant progress in understanding where they stood in the present climate, Country Time CEO Howard Worth told reporters Thursday that he was unsure if his company was supposed to be racist or not. “Certainly, it seems like the name Country Time is idealizing some long lost past of rural America, but as far as we can see it isn’t explicitly related to the antebellum South or anything racial,” said Worth, stressing that that the difficulties were only compounded by Country Time’s lack of a clear mascot or vintage advertising spots to go off. “There’s nothing linking lemons or wooden stands to white supremacy, right? Or are there? Is the fact that we sponsored NASCAR something—I think that’d be straining things, but maybe I’m wrong? Christ, we’re completely lost here.” At press time, the CEO issued an apology after noticing the swastika and burning cross hidden in the Country Time logo.
How To Ease U.S.–China Tensions #~# The Trump administration ordered China to close its Houston, TX consulate as COVID-19, trade battles, and other issues exacerbate tensions between the two nations. The Onion looks at potential solutions for easing tensions between the U.S. and China.
Study Finds Couples Who Live With Moldering Corpse Of Mother Having Less Sex #~# More couples are being forced to move in with other family members to cut costs, but how is it affecting their sex life? Hear how residing along the putrefying remains of Mother can result in a noticeable down turn in your desire to get it on with your partner.
Comic-Con Goes Online For 2020 Festival #~# The 51st San Diego Comic-Con will be held 100% online this week due to the coronavirus pandemic, with celebrity panels, new games, and a virtual exhibition hall free to all attendees. What do you think?
ICUs Reach Breaking Point As Nation Hits 4 Million Coronavirus Hoaxes #~# WASHINGTON—With medical workers overwhelmed and hospitals short on supplies, intensive care units across the nation reportedly reached a breaking point Thursday as the United States surpassed 4 million coronavirus hoaxes. “We are continuing to see an exponential surge in patients who arrive in our ER and fake life-threatening symptoms of a virus we all know doesn’t really exist—or, if it does, is no worse than the flu,” said Dr. Melinda Rowenta, a critical care physician in Miami, explaining that the popular trend of pretending to be dying from Covid-19 had put an incredible strain on the Level 1 trauma center where she works. “All the coughing and wheezing and gasping for air—just cut the theatrics, seriously. Every day, valuable hospital beds are being taken up by these hired actors who feign extreme agony as part of a secret conspiracy to keep our economy from recovering. It’s making it so that people with actual deadly illnesses are now afraid of going to the hospital because the media has them terrified they might catch this fictional respiratory illness.” Officials in Florida and other states have also criticized the hoax’s participants for the breaking point recently reached by overburdened county morgues.
Ohio House Speaker Arrested In $60 Million Bribery Scheme #~# Larry Householder, speaker of the Ohio House of Representatives, was arrested Tuesday in connection to a $60 million bribery and racketeering investigation tied to nuclear plant bailouts in the state. What do you think?
Aunt Who’s Really Mom’s Friend Announces She Saw Inside Of Willie Nelson’s Bus Once #~# FOX CHAPEL, PA—Taking a sip of her jumbo frozen margarita and asking everyone if they remembered the Dripping Springs Reunion tour, local Aunt Dottie Preston, who is really mom’s friend, announced Thursday that she saw the inside of Willie Nelson’s bus once. “Oh, let me tell you, the year was 1972, but back then, your mom and I—we were no angels,” said the woman everyone affectionately called “Aunt Dot,” who then winked, and proceeded to regale the room with details about how she and “the girls” hopped a fence and then danced their way up to the front row, where your mom and her “perky little rack” caught the eye of one of Willie’s roadies. “Well, once ‘The Serpent’ had eyes for your mom, it was all over. Yeah, she was dating your dad at that point, and sure, we were only 17, but that didn’t stop her from flirting us all the way into Willie’s bus! Believe me when I tell you it was way messier than you’d think, and it smelled a little bit of marijuana. Oh, we were so bad!” At press time, Aunt Dot revealed a small dolphin tattoo right above her pelvis and went on to tell the room about the crazy night in Cabo where it all went down. 
Clumsy Stealth Drone Surveilling Taliban Base Flees After Accidentally Knocking Over Potted Plant #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Completely blowing its cover while trying to gather reconnaissance on the terrorist organization’s activities, a clumsy General Atomics MQ-9 Reaper reportedly fled a Taliban base Thursday after accidentally knocking over a potted plant. Eyewitness accounts confirmed that when the ceramic pot shattered on the concrete floor, the startled unmanned aerial vehicle flew into a nearby alley where it became entangled in several large copper wind chimes. According to U.S. military sources, the bungling drone then bounded onto a busy thoroughfare where it bumped into a parked car and set off its alarm before wildly careening through a group of caterers and plowing into a large wedding cake. Several reports indicated that the pilotless aircraft soon realized that Taliban soldiers were in hot pursuit and attempted to hover perfectly still in an attempt to blend in alongside mannequins in a storefront window. Sources told reporters that once spotted, the klutzy drone darted off, toppling an entire row of motorcycles before finally making a successful escape. At press time, the drone had carefully closed the hangar door before turning around to find itself nose-to-nose with the scowling Air Force base commander. 
Asshole Refusing To Pay Reward For Lost Dog As If Poster Specified It Had To Be Alive #~# WESTMINSTER, CO—Attempting to renege on his original promise by invoking a bullshit technicality, some asshole was reportedly refusing to pay a reward Thursday for returning his lost dog as if the poster specified it had to be alive. “The poster clearly said 200 bucks to find the dog, and I did—it’s on you if you’re not specific on the terms of the reward, pal,” said local man Miles Pearson, who added that the dog he’d returned to the owner was about 25 pounds, had a distinctive marking behind its left ear, and answered to the name Daisy, and that if the owner wanted the return of a dog that was also breathing, the poster should have said so. “This fucking dickweed set the terms of the dog’s return and now he’s trying to add conditions, which is clearly horseshit. When I called the number on the poster, this fuckhead was all like, ‘How does she seem?’ and I said, ‘Seems fine,’ and he said he’d have the money ready. And now he’s crying and angry and trying to take back his promised reward? This is completely on him—if he’d specified ‘alive’ on the poster, then I wouldn’t have put the dog in the trunk.” Pearson added that he should’ve learned his lesson last time when he tried to return the kid he’d seen on a milk carton and the kid’s asshole parents wouldn’t give him anything for a dead one either. 
‘It Wasn’t The First Birthday We Imagined, But We Spent The Day Surrounded By Love,’ Begins Elegant Tapestry Of Fabricated Embellishments #~# MOUNT OLIVE, NJ—Weaving a florid tale of the event’s success despite the self-isolation brought about by the coronavirus pandemic, a local Instagram post reportedly began, “It wasn’t the first birthday we imagined, but we spent the day surrounded by love,” the first thread in an elegant tapestry of fabricated embellishments. “This year has been hard on all of us, but it’s also been a wonderful experience to go through as a family, and Logan turning 1 was a joyous occasion that reminded us all that life goes on,” read the long, ornately woven canvas spun of exaggerated contrivances, festooned with lie after outright lie. “Jeff and I always envisioned celebrating Logan’s first birthday at home with my parents and the rest of my family back east, but honestly, getting to spend a lazy Saturday with just the three of us was truly beautiful. Seeing everyone’s smiling faces on the Zoom call filled all three of us with such pure love and joy (even if Logan was a little fussy!). We couldn’t have felt more supported surrounded by family both virtually and a spirit. It was a beautiful occasion, and just what we all needed.” The tapestry of sumptuous puffery reportedly concluded with the masterstroke fabrications, “Love to everyone” and, “Hope to see you all soon!”
Desperate CDC Now Just Claiming Wearing A Mask Will Make You Rich And Famous Beyond Wildest Dreams #~# ATLANTA—Desperate to convince the American public to take steps that will stem the spread of Covid-19, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a statement Thursday that suggested putting on a mask was likely to make a person rich and famous beyond their wildest dreams. “What we’re seeing is that consistently wearing an N95 respirator or cloth mask dramatically increases the wearer’s net worth and, sure, wins them the kind of widespread acclaim enjoyed by celebrities like George Clooney, Beyoncé, and Angelina Jolie,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, who argued that the simple act of covering one’s face would also make that individual extremely strong, boost their cognitive ability tenfold, improve their singing voice, and—why not—increase their sexual potency. “We can’t get into the mask’s exact mechanism, but let’s just say that if you put one on right now, I can personally guarantee that your wealth will double in six months and that extremely attractive people will begin wanting to have sex with you. It’s very important to keep wearing the mask for the remainder of the pandemic, though, or you risk losing it all. Really, this is a can’t-lose proposition for any citizen smart enough to know a great deal when they see one.” Redford concluded that anyone foolish enough not to wear a mask would likely be declaring bankruptcy, filing for divorce, and searching out cures for sexual dysfunction by year’s end.
Frustrated Mayors Demand Constituents Stop Paying Such Close Attention To Everything They Do #~# In the wake of an unprecedented health crisis and mass protests against police brutality, all eyes are on local government officials to keep our communities safe. Hear just how sick and tired mayors across the country are getting of having every little decision they make be held under a goddamn magnifying glass.
Country Time Offers ‘Littlest Bailout’ To Kids Who Can’t Run Lemonade Stands This Year #~# The lemonade brand Country Time is offering $100 checks to children who are unable to run lemonade stands this summer as part of their “Littlest Bailout” program, which seeks to offset lost revenue caused by social distancing and coronavirus safety guidelines. What do you think?
Study Finds Universal Mask Use Could Cut U.S. Coronavirus Deaths By 67% #~# Research from the University of Washington shows that widespread use of masks could cut the projected daily coronavirus case count by 63% and daily death toll by 67%, but it would require at least 95% of Americans wear masks when in public. What do you think?
Baseball Fan Excited For Return Of Switching To Movie After 2 Hours When It’s 5-1 In The 4th Inning #~# ELMHURST, IL—Admitting that more than anything he missed getting up in disgust in the middle of a game to go mow the lawn, local baseball fan Mike Gengaro told reporters Wednesday that he was excited for the return of switching to a movie two hours into a 5-1 game that’s still only in the 4th inning. “It’s been a tough summer so far without baseball, but now I’ve got a six-pack in the fridge, the Cubs-Twins game is starting in a few hours, and I just can’t wait to flip over to TNT and watch Jack Reacher halfway through,” said Gengaro, who claimed he could barely remember the last time he spent an evening glued to his phone while half-watching the 3rd hour of a 6th-inning blowout. “To me, kicking back and watching ESPN as I occasionally flip back to a game is what the summer is all about. There’s nothing like the excitement of watching a baseball game and suddenly realizing there is a whole season of Westworld that I haven’t watched yet. It’s really gonna help me get through the next few months until football starts and I can check out of the season completely.” Gengaro added that the one thing he would still miss during quarantine was having his friends over to silently eat chips and occasionally mutter “bullshit” before leaving to pick up their kids.
Timeline Of Presidential Polling #~#  As the 2020 presidential race heats up, attention has turned to presidential polling and the wisdom of relying on an industry that generally predicted the wrong outcome in 2016. The Onion takes a look at the history of presidential polling.
LeBron James On Quest To Hunt Down Owners Of Rare Rookie Cards That Contain Fragments Of His Soul #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Unfolding an yellowing, wrinkled paper containing the names of every known card’s location, NBA star LeBron James set out on a quest Wednesday to hunt down the owners of rare rookie cards that contain fragments of his soul. “I can never be fully whole, my legacy will never be secure until I have all 23 of these rookie cards in my possession,” said James, slowly clutching at his heart and thinking back on the painful day his spirit was shattered to forge the rare Upper Deck rookie cards. “I will travel to every corner of the Earth until I find each of these cards. I will play for every team in the NBA if I must. This has been a 17-year journey—I nearly died trying to retrieve the last one from the vault of Kim Jong-Un’s mountain top retreat, but I’m determined to see it through. I will never be the greatest ever until I am whole.” At press time, James had unsheathed a small hidden dagger as a cackling Stephen Curry revealed his plan to gather and destroy the remaining cards and forever doom James’ hopes for a fourth NBA title.
Disaster: Luigi Left His Space Heater Plugged In For 3 Days And The Entire ‘Paper Mario’ Kingdom Burned Down #~# For years, Luigi’s kindhearted nature and well-meaning oafishness have endeared him to millions of fans who were willing to look past his lengthy history of incompetence. But it seems like the iconic Nintendo character might have just passed the point of no return: The big guy in green apparently left his space heater plugged in for three days straight, and now the entire Paper Mario kingdom has burned to the ground.
Del Monte Introduces New Extended-Release, Maximum-Strength Peaches #~# WALNUT CREEK, CA—Touting their new product as “the last word in alleviating hunger,” Del Monte Foods introduced a new extended-release, maximum-strength chewable peach Wednesday which they claim possesses up to four times the power of normal stone fruit. “Del Monte’s new formula combines the same fast-acting flavor of our traditional peaches with concentrated vitamins and nutrients, allowing diners to experience stronger peach benefits for a longer time,” said Del Monte spokesperson Dora Valencia in a press conference, further claiming that the maximum-strength peaches’ proprietary blend of fortified peach extracts will directly target the stomach in order to quell hankerings for up to 12 hours. “This is, hands down, the toughest peach on the market when it comes to battling low blood sugar, but it’s also gentle enough to use for any fruit-related cravings suffered by anyone over the age of 8. Each dose comes in a self-contained package of heavy syrup, providing immediate relief from stomach grumbling, while the extended-release component ensures you experience a nice, steady dose of peaches all day long.” Valencia further noted that, while the product has in fact received FDA-approval, those experiencing peach juice dribbling down their chin for more than two hours should contact a physician.
Encouraging Report Finds Polar Bears Evolving Aerospace Engineering Skills Necessary To Escape Overheating Planet #~# ANCHORAGE, AK—Calling it a “scientific miracle” that could keep the species alive for generations to come, an encouraging report from the USGS Alaska Science Center found Wednesday that polar bears are evolving aerospace engineering skills necessary to escape an overheating planet. “According to our research, these polar bears, or Ursus maritimus, have not just developed a desire to flee Earth’s orbit, but also a rudimentary understanding of jet propulsion,” said lead researcher on the study Adam Yelnich, adding that he and his team had discovered various blueprints and makeshift spaceships constructed out of fish, driftwood, and ice scattered along the arctic coastal tundra. “While this is still a relatively new evolutionary development, older polar bears have routinely been spotted with their cubs, teaching them engineering and physics at an undergraduate level. Sadly, however, all of their test rockets have immediately exploded upon exiting the atmosphere, leaving the polar bears both stunned and confused.” At press time, Yelnich confirmed that polar bears had begun working around the clock on space travel after Russian snow leopards successfully launched a rocket into orbit. 
New Streaming Service Still Struggling To Come Up With Name Stupid Enough That Public Becomes Furious When They Hear It #~# LOS ANGELES—Laboring over the final major creative decision prior to launch, executives at a new streaming service were reportedly struggling Wednesday to come up with a name that was so stupid that it would completely infuriate the public. “Obviously places like Quibi and Peacock have set an extremely high bar of making potential consumers literally shake with rage at the very utterance of the word, and we don’t want to be caught flat-footed with a name that’s only mildly irritating and confusing,” said CEO Darby Alton, confirming that executives had ultimately ruled out contenders such as “grubbo” and “zwabble-ponk” over concerns that someone on Earth might conceivably be able to hear them without smashing their fist through a wall. “We’ve been shouting random gibberish for over an hour and have never come close to anything that would still make people fall to their knees and shake their fists towards the heavens years later like SeeSo. At this point, I think we might have to just go with a name spelled ‘&g!g&’ and pronounced like a child’s giggle and call it a day.” At press time, Alton admitted that at least he was confident that the fury users would experience trying to watch anything on their website or app was comparable to its competitors.
Catcaller Not Sure What The Big Deal Is Since He’d Love For A Woman To Call Him A Fat, Stuck-Up Bitch #~# CHICAGO—Urging everyone to lighten up and “save the pearl-clutching” for real problems, local catcaller Will Snyder confirmed Friday that he was not sure what the big deal was because he’d love it if a woman referred to him as a fat, stuck-up bitch. “No one ever calls me a dumb filthy whore when I’m headed home after a long day of work, but you know what, it sure would be a nice thing to hear every now and then,” said Snyder, 27, adding that it would be a tragedy if the political correctness of the #MeToo era had reached a point where it might prevent a woman from walking close behind him for several blocks and then telling him he was an ugly, uptight cunt who needed to be fucked hard. “Honestly, what’s the problem? I’d be flattered if some girl blocked my path on the sidewalk, grabbed her crotch, and told me my big slutty lips would look great on her pussy. That’s a compliment in my book, so don’t act all offended when you hear that kind of thing from me.” The catcaller then reportedly sighed and reiterated his long-held position that there wasn’t much he could do about it, because they were “all a bunch of frigid dykes.”
The Best Cities To Live In For Fans Of Rock And Roll Museums And The Cleveland Browns #~# The Steel City plays host to one Browns game every year at scenic Heinz Field. Plus, it’s only a short two-hour drive to the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame. What more could you want?
Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy #~# Confederate monuments continue to be dismantled across the country, but not without some resistance. Hear how one armed group of counter-protestors—dubbed the Jellystone Militia—are standing by to protect a sculpture of their favorite cartoon bear.
Beefeaters Face Job Cuts For First Time In History #~# The iconic Tower of London guards, known colloquially as Beefeaters, may face layoffs for the first time in their 545-year history as pandemic closures have created a $123 million shortfall for the charity that runs the historical site. What do you think?
Trump Resumes Coronavirus Briefings As Cases Surge #~# President Trump announced that he will resume his daily coronavirus briefings, which stopped in late April, after a Washington Post-ABC News poll found that only 38% of Americans approve of his handling of the pandemic, down from 46% in May. What do you think?
Homeland Security Claims Protesters Snatched Off Streets As Part Of New Surprise Makeover Series #~# PORTLAND, OR—Expressing surprise at the backlash to what had been intended as an innocent prank, the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Tuesday stressing that they had merely snatched protesters off the streets as part of a new surprise makeover series created in tandem with Netflix. “Frankly, we thought the citizens of Portland would be delighted to be pushed into unmarked federal vans and driven off to our fashion detainment sites for a full-blown style reinvention, but apparently we were mistaken,” said DHS Director Chad Wolf, adding that the department’s unidentified agents had been so excited by the prospect of detaining the protesters for an elegant and edgy salon-style haircut, makeover tutorial, and sartorial reboot that they had completely forgotten to coordinate with state or local officials. “Obviously, we could have made some mention of our plan to completely renovate their apartments while they were locked away in cells, but that would have ruined the surprise. Frankly, these protesters should be thanking us for getting rid of those frumpy jackets and unkempt beards and introducing them to their sexy, exciting new selves.” Wolf also told critics that when the department finally released the protesters from their makeovers in two years, they would be so fabulous that their friends and family wouldn’t even recognize them.
New Congressional Stimulus Would Provide National Tip Jar For All Americans Making Under $40,000 #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide crucial relief to low-income households, Congress unveiled a new stimulus plan Tuesday that would provide a national tip jar for all Americans making under $40,000 a year. “We are facing unprecedented economic challenges in the face of covid, which is why we’re seeking to ease the burden with this glass container conveniently located in Kansas,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, confirming that Congress had already allocated an additional $5 to place inside the jar to prime the pump for anyone walking by. “Many Americans are struggling to afford basic necessities, and this program will be a great way for the wealthiest 1% to show their appreciation for any particularly good interactions they have with lower- and middle-class citizens. After the funds are deposited, it’s just a simple matter of Congress collecting the initial gratuities, counting them up, and then tipping out to all needy Americans who can provide the necessary documentation to show they qualify.” At press time, critics were arguing that the stimulus didn’t go far enough to help average Americans after a passing teenager swiped the jar.
PC Culture Gone Too Far? Typing ‘Western Civilization’ Into The Chat Box In ‘The Sims’ Doesn’t Unlock Any Cheats #~# Anyone who follows the state of gaming knows there’s been a protracted attack on our industry over the past decade, one that threatens to erode all that we hold dear about video games and gamer culture in general. But it was not until today that we could say the onward march of political correctness has finally gone too far: Today, OGN has learned that typing “Western Civilization” into the chat box in 2000’s The Sims does not unlock a single cheat.
‘Huh, That’s Kind Of Weird,’ Thinks Fruit Fly Diving In To Dish Of Honey Containing Corpses Of 15 Other Fruit Flies #~# OVERLAND PARK, KS— Observing yet disregarding the bodies of 15 of his fellow flies suspended in the tempting but viscous substance, a fruit fly reportedly found itself thinking “Huh, that’s kind of weird,” Tuesday as it plunged into a dish of honey containing the suffocated corpses. “Granted, it’s a little disturbing, but it’s probably not anything to worry about,” said the Drosophila melanogaster, putting the somewhat unusual sight of its deceased brethren out of its mind as it drew nearer to the mesmerizing expanse of delicious, glistening honey. “That’s certainly not something you see every day, but so what? I’m already a week old. I can’t pretend I know everything, but life’s too short to be scared of every new experience. Sure, that’s a lot of bodies, but there’s also a lot of wonderful honey. Hey, look, my mom and dad are down there!” At press time, the sinking fruit fly’s mouth had filled up with honey as it vainly attempted to cry out a warning to approaching fruit flies.
Man Unaware Majority Of His Life’s Failures Directly Caused By Getting Only 80% Daily Recommended Thiamine #~# LANSING, MI—Confirming the man’s utter obliviousness to the root of all his problems, 44-year-old Eric Shoup reportedly remains unaware that the majority of his life’s failures are the direct result of him getting only 80% of his daily recommended thiamine. “If Eric could manage only a couple more servings of brown rice or legumes a day, he’d achieve all of his goals within a year,” said a source close to the man, attributing Shoup’s lack of energy, middling career, and desolate love life to his failure to incorporate even a bit more of B-complex vitamin into his diet. “Eric doesn’t even need to get 100% of the daily recommended dosage. Just 75% would allow him to hold more meaningful conversations with friends and coworkers, while 90% would give him the confidence he needs to pivot into a whole new successful and personally fulfilling career with ease. Unfortunately, he’s never going to figure this out due to his crippling lack of dietary thiamine.” Shoup later came astonishingly close to ingesting his daily recommended level of thiamine by loading up his fork with a large bite of liver, but upon deciding he was full, set the laden utensil down.
Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal #~# NEW YORK—Emphasizing that you’d have no idea who anyone was by just watching the opening credits, the U.S. populace called Tuesday for the return of sitcom theme songs that explain the show’s whole deal. “We, the American public, demand to see a shot of the dad, a shot of the mom, a shot of the kids, and then a slow zoom-in on their home against a familiar city skyline every time the show starts,” said TV viewer Ericka Hamels, who also urged networks to once again set the whole thing to fun, upbeat music with horns or surf-rock baselines that the characters could then dance to. “Please, we beg of you—break it down for us. Where are these people from, how were they forced into this situation, and where are they going? But also, don’t just stop there—these theme songs must then be updated every few years, so that when everyone ages, we still know who they are.” At press time, the nation’s TV watchers amended their demands to include closing credit songs that restate the premise of the show and have characters wave goodbye until the next episode. 
CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools #~# The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says they’ve discovered evidence of these disease vectors in nearly every city in the nation. Hear just how horrified they were to learn of the existence of these germ-infested public wells of moisture.
Creatively Recharged Tucker Carlson Comes Up With Week Of Show Ideas After Hispanic Cashier Gives Him Wrong Change #~#  WASHINGTON—Returning from vacation appearing more relaxed than he had in months, creatively recharged Fox News host Tucker Carlson told reporters Tuesday that he had come up with a week’s worth of show ideas after a Hispanic cashier gave him the wrong change. “I’m really glad I switched up my routine, because you never know when some lazy, uneducated Hispanic teenager tries stealing from you by giving you a single instead of a ten back and inspiration will strike,” said a tanned, smiling Carlson, adding that the experience immediately gave him the idea to spend at least a week criticizing immigrants for taking over the country and being ungrateful for the jobs America is providing them. “Those last couple weeks before my vacation, I felt like I was really phoning it in creatively. You can only do many episodes about how Ilhan Omar is leading a cabal of minorities to install Black supremacy in the country before it begins to feel a bit stale, you know? But then that Hispanic cashier tried to stiff me and didn’t apologize well enough for my liking, and then I heard him speaking Spanish to a coworker as I was leaving—it was like a light bulb went off. The creative juices started flowing, and before I knew it, I had a solid several hours of attacking immigrants for invading our country and uprooting traditional American values. I feel like the old Tucker Carlson again.” Carlson added that although he did feel creatively rejuvenated, one aspect of returning to work he wasn’t looking forward to having to send a bunch of hate emails.
United Arab Emirates Successfully Launches Migrant Workers To Mars To Build Luxury Colonies #~# TANEGASHIMA, JAPAN—After ushering thousands of work-permit holders into a tightly packed capsule atop an H-IIA rocket, the United Arab Emirates successfully launched its first migrant workers into space Monday, part of a mission to build luxury resort colonies on the surface of Mars. “Today, our bold nation takes a monumental step toward the future as we send forth these foreign-born temporary laborers to construct the most lavish upscale accommodations the Red Planet has ever seen,” said UAE President Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan, who according to reports has ordered his nation’s space agency to withhold the fuel and rations necessary for a return flight to Earth until the mostly Bangladeshi and Indian workers have erected an opulent 170-story biosphere. “We have provided our employees with a generous five-week supply of oxygen to sustain them as they build this palatial habitat, complete with an indoor ski slope, massive fountain, and man-made islands. That said, we of course have millions more migrants on reserve who can be launched as needed, should any members of this initial crew succumb to the harsh Martian climate.” At press time, sources confirmed the 2,000 migrant workers hired by the Emirates Mars Mission to serve as a launchpad were incinerated during liftoff.
Pandemic Sets Off National Coin Shortage #~# Analysts say that coronavirus concerns have caused Americans to spend less and reduce their use of paper currency, in turn causing a coin shortage that has forced some major retailers like Kroger to require exact change for purchases. What do you think?
Braves Remove Tomahawk Chop Statue #~# The Atlanta Braves have removed a wooden statue reading “Chop On” from outside Truist Field and are reviewing whether they will stop encouraging fans to engage in the tomahawk chop, though the team has already stated they will not change their name. What do you think?
DHS Secretary Assuages Concerns About Protester Abductions By Promising This Will All Feel Routine In A Month #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that any shock over the incidents was completely unfounded, Secretary of Homeland Security Chad Wolf attempted Monday to assuage concerns over the videos of protesters in Portland being abducted by promising this will all feel fairly routine in a month. “We get that unmarked federal vehicles taking people off the street seems disturbing to people right now, but within a few months, this will just seem like an everyday occurrence that isn’t worth a second thought,” said Wolf, who told reporters that any outrage or concern from civilians or the press should dissipate as the abductions rapidly blend into the mundane fabric of American life. “By the end of the year, you’ll feel strange thinking of a time when these abductions were not happening. Change is uncomfortable for sure, but soon you’ll be walking down the street, see a jogger get pulled into a military vehicle, and you’ll just keep on listening to your music or podcast without batting an eye. Trust me, save your emotional energy for all the other stuff we’ll be rolling out over the coming weeks.” Wolf further dismissed any criticism over the haphazard nature of the military operation by noting this rollout has been excitedly discussed by the administration for years.
Charmin Under Fire For New Ad Suggesting It Wouldn’t Be Bad Idea If Everyone Started Hoarding Toilet Paper Again #~# MEHOOPANY, PA—After the launch of a promotional campaign exhorting consumers to buy up as much of the product as possible, major bath tissue manufacturer Charmin faced a backlash Monday over a new ad that suggests it wouldn’t be a bad idea for everyone to start hoarding toilet paper again. “While there are plenty of rolls on the shelf today, we can’t promise they will be there tomorrow,” said a voiceover in the 30-second TV spot, which has been criticized for its depiction of customers stampeding through supermarket aisles, knocking one another over, and engaging in violent altercations with cashiers who try to limit purchases to one package per family. “Stockpiling toilet paper isn’t the worst thing in the world. Hey, it might even be prudent. After all, you don’t want to be the one who’s caught off guard. So why not take a drive through town and clear out the shelves of every single store that sells the stuff? Remember, if you run out of room for it at home, you can always rent a storage unit to warehouse any surplus.” Reached for comment, representatives from Charmin defended the commercial, observing that in a second wave, the novel coronavirus could conceivably mutate and begin to cause severe, crippling bouts of diarrhea.
Toddler Feels Somewhat Torn About Pretending To Be Policeman In Current Climate #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Expressing misgivings over perpetuating a system of oppression, local toddler Aaron Merchant reportedly felt somewhat torn Monday about pretending to be a policeman in the current cultural climate. “I have a lot of fun yelling at kids and putting them into jail, but I certainly don’t want to contribute to a police state,” said Merchant, reflecting on why he derived joy from repeatedly crashing his tricycle into his siblings while making siren noises with his mouth. “I want to play, don’t get me wrong. I love pretending. But then again, I could probably better use my playtime to de-escalate situations instead of just arresting people. The last thing that I want is to normalize violence, so maybe it’s time to put away my squirt gun for good?” At press time, Merchant decided to continue playing a policeman after the rush of adrenaline he received from locking his sister in a closet. 
Man Longingly Imagines What Life Would Be Like If Pizza Deliveryman Outside Building Were Here For Him #~# BOSTON—Sighing while staring out the window at the figure standing several floors below, local man Jeff Ipser longingly imagined what life would be like Monday if the pizza deliveryman outside his building were there for him. “To think, if I’d just made different choices in my life, that could have been me running down to meet that man and his big, insulated red box full of pizza pies instead of someone else,” said Ipser before letting himself close his eyes and, for a moment, inhabit a world in which he were the one descending two flights of stairs, opening his wallet, and bringing an 18-inch pepperoni pizza up to his apartment for the night. “I know I’m supposed to live in the moment, but someday, I just hope I’m as lucky as that guy who probably doesn’t even realize how good he has it. God. I just feel like I’ve wasted my whole life up until this moment—hopefully it’s not too late for me to order a pizza.” At press time, Ipser began yelling “Wait, come back” at the deliveryman as he got in his car and drove away. 
Union Soldiers Battle Aliens At Annual Gettysburg Ahistorical Reenactment #~# GETTYSBURG, PA—As those assembled in their uniforms faithfully carried out the nonexistent events exactly as they didn’t happen in July 1863, spectators watched Union soldiers battle aliens Monday at the 157th annual Battle of Gettysburg ahistorical reenactment. “We are assembled here today to act out those bygone non-events wherein brave members of the Union Army valiantly fought aliens, turning the tide of the Civil War, and causing a chain of devastating sea-quakes in the oceans of Plortannius-3,” said Emmett Carlson, 78, who was attending his 48th consecutive Gettysburg ahistorical reenactment, at which he was playing the part of one of the two Union soldiers who stood back to back, throwing grenades at the encroaching 5 billion, 6-mile-tall alien lifeforms for 12 straight hours atop three space-time versions of Culp’s Hill. “It’s really important that it’s ahistorically accurate, which is why all the reenactors have to remain in character and behave the same way that the Union soldiers and aliens didn’t, whether that means wearing the nontraditional clothing and uniforms, using the exact incorrect muskets, plasma rifles, and other weaponry, and recreating the signature non-events of ahistorical Gettysburg, like the whirlwind of knives at Little Round Top, the repeated attacks on the Union army’s neurological systems, and Pickett’s supersonic explosion. We want all of our spectators to really misunderstand what happened in Gettysburg that day.” Organizers added that the Gettysburg ahistorical reenactment would close with the reading of the Gettysburg address by a direct descendent of one of the alien hybrids who was vaporized into nothingness during the battle.
Spain Holds First Annual ‘Running Of The Virus’ Festival #~# It may not be the Running Of The Bulls tradition everyone knows and loves, but festival organizers in Pamplona, Spain are confident this year’s modifications will still be enjoyable to thrill-seekers around the globe.
Mortgage Rates Fall Below 3% For First Time #~# A Freddie Mac survey found that the average 30-year fixed-rate mortgage dropped to a record low 2.98% last week, leading to an increase in demand by homebuyers even as the number of available houses decreased. What do you think?
Georgia Governor Bans Local Governments From Mandating Masks #~# Georgia governor Brian Kemp issued an executive order Wednesday banning cities from enforcing their own face mask laws as the state reported 3,871 new coronavirus cases, its second-highest daily total this year. What do you think?
Dog Could Really Go For Some Women’s Underwear Right Now #~# SPRINGFIELD, MO—Unable to control his intense craving for a soiled garment fresh from the laundry bin, local dog and faithful companion Cooper was reportedly thinking Friday about how he could really go for some women’s underwear right about now. “You know what would hit the spot? A nice, big bite of thong,” said the 3-year-old terrier mix, adding that it would be incredibly satisfying to nose around in the dirty clothes and stick his head face-first into the crotch of his owner’s recently worn lingerie. “Sometimes you just get a hankering like that. Running shorts could do in a pinch, but to be honest, that’s not what I’m in the mood for. What would be perfect is some briefs from a really sweltering, humid, 90-degree day. Silk, cotton, I don’t care—as long as I can drag them out onto the deck and chomp on ’em till I get my fill.” At press time, reports confirmed a delighted Cooper couldn’t believe his luck upon stumbling across one of his owner’s used tampons in the wastebasket.
Apologetic Dan Snyder Pledges To Spend Rest Of Life Re-Earning Trust Of Great Brands Like FedEx #~# WASHINGTON—Reflecting on his failure to provide a safe space for them to thrive and profit, Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder pledged Friday to dedicate the rest of his life re-earning the trust of “great” brands like FedEx. “I’m deeply sorry for what I’ve allowed to happen here. These are amazing brands that deserve respect and to be treated with dignity,” said Snyder, who promised to do everything in his power as owner to make sure “strong and capable” brands like Pepsi never regret working with the Redskins. “These brands are not just objects, they are more than just their logos. They had hopes and dreams when they signed sponsorship deals with us, and I’ve let them down. These brands should have never been made uncomfortable, and needless to say, I’ve already taken major steps to make sure nobody at this organization ever humiliates them by speaking up again.” Snyder finished his apology by announcing a new initiative designed to help formally marginalized brands like Burger King and Sears partner with the franchise.
Teacher Wonders If Outer Space Or Ocean Better Theme For Bulletin Board Listing Coronavirus Rules #~# DENVER, CO—Endeavoring to determine what would constitute the most compelling learning materials for her third-grade class, local elementary school teacher Meredith Coggins was reportedly wondering Friday if “outer space” or “ocean” would be a better theme for the bulletin board listing coronavirus rules. “It’s super important that my third graders engage in safe behaviors that won’t spread the virus, so I want something with lots of bright colors and interesting shapes that they’ll really respond to,” said Coggins, scrolling through the offerings on a school supply website and wondering aloud if a border of fish and whales or stars and planets would do a better job of ensuring her students maintain social distance and regularly wash their hands. “On the one hand, with ‘space’ I could probably connect the dangers of not wearing an astronaut helmet with the dangers of not wearing a mask in a way the students will understand, but with the ocean we could have a visual of an octopus using plenty of soap and water on all eight tentacles.” At press time, Coggins had purchased an additional jungle-themed display that a substitute could put up when she was inevitably hospitalized after contracting covid. 
Blatant Rip-Off: The Main Character In ‘Ghost Of Tsushima’ Is Clearly Modeled On The Samurai From Japanese History #~# Well, gamers, this is a huge letdown. After years of hype around Sucker Punch’s upcoming open-world epic Ghost Of Tsushima, we learned today from an insider source that the main character is a direct rip-off of a warrior from Japanese history known as the “samurai.”
Genetics: Myth Vs. Fact #~# A human being’s genetics influence their body, traits, and other characteristics, but many common misconceptions about genetics and heredity persist. The Onion debunks some common myths about genes and genetics.
Arctic’s Rapid Thawing Not Helped By Todd, A Guy Up There Rubbing His Warm Body All Over The Ice #~# Climate scientists have long confirmed that the fast melting of glaciers in the Arctic Sea can be attributed to greenhouse gases, but many admitted today that this guy Todd isn’t exactly making the problem any better.
Tyra Banks Named New Host Of ‘Dancing With The Stars’ #~# Model and TV personality Tyra Banks will host the 29th season of Dancing With The Stars, replacing long-time host Tom Bergeron and former-contestant-turned-host Erin Andrews. What do you think?
Man Trademarks Dozens Of Possible New Names For Washington Redskins #~# A man in Virginia has registered dozens of names related to the Washington NFL team over the last six years in a possible attempt to sell the trademark for profit, a move patent lawyers say will likely fail. What do you think?
Panicked Officials Agree To Reopen Gyms After Disastrous 85% Drop In Nation’s Chiseled Studs #~# BOSTON—Addressing a precipitous nationwide decline in bicep circumference, pectoral definition, and rigid, beautifully cut abs, panicked officials in every state announced Thursday they would immediately reopen gyms following a catastrophic 85 percent drop in chiseled studs across the country. “Cutting off access to free-weight stations and circuit-training machines as the nation’s gorgeously sculpted male physiques atrophy before our eyes would not only represent a failure of leadership, but would almost certainly lead to a full-blown shortage of grade-A American beefcake,” Massachusetts Gov. Charlie Baker wrote in a statement endorsed by all 50 governors, adding that even with the immediate reopening of fitness centers, it could take years for the now-lumpy U.S. populace to replenish the once-bountiful supplies of eye candy lost over the past three months. “From the muscle beaches of this nation’s shores to the CrossFit classes of Main Street, hard bodies that once wouldn’t quit are now softening at alarming rates. We don’t want to survive this epidemic only to find ourselves completely deprived of really top-notch, primo displays of manflesh. Every day that gyms remain closed, the hunkiest, most jacked specimens among us deflate a bit more. This nightmare ends today.” At press time, Baker was overheard lamenting the fact that he could no longer bounce a quarter off the ass of any of his constituents 
Melania Trump Figures It’s Time To Sit Barron Down And Tell Him He Was Bred For His Organs #~# WASHINGTON—Reflecting that the moment had finally come for the difficult conversation, Melania Trump reportedly took some time Thursday to sit Barron down and tell him he was bred for his organs. “Listen, Barron, now that you’re 14, you’re old enough for me to tell you the truth, which is that you’re essentially a walking organ bank,” said the first lady, assuring her son that this revelation didn’t change the way she and her husband felt about him, and that it was simply a detail about his life that could inform as little or as much of Barron’s identity as he decided. “You’re a wonderful young man, and your daddy and I don’t love you any less just because if we ever have organ failure, we’re going to harvest you for your liver or, say, one of your kidneys. I know it’s a lot to take in, so I understand if you’re feeling confused right now, or maybe even angry, but I want you to know that I’m still your mother and I’m still here for you whenever you need me, from now until you go under the knife.” Melania Trump reportedly closed the conversation by telling Barron that if he wanted to, someday he could meet the people who bought his excess organs. 
Father’s Increasingly Virulent Racism Excused Because Of How Difficult It Is For Him To Get Out Of Chair Now #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how sad it made her family to see the 84-year-old looking so old and frail, local woman Janice Hartley told reporters Thursday that her father’s inability to get out of his chair now had excused his increasingly virulent racism. “It’s just so sad—he used to be fairly active, but now he just sits in his recliner all day watching the news and going on unhinged rants against immigrants and minorities,” said Hartley, adding that her family had recently turned a blind eye to his racist comments when they noticed how winded he looked after bending over to pick up a TV remote that had fallen on the floor. “Look, if you’d asked me two years ago if I’d have called him out for describing a Hispanic grocery clerk with a string of slurs, I definitely would have said yes. But look at him—he’s got the shakes, and one of his eyes is getting cloudy. How am I supposed to get into it with my dad when every time I try, he lets out a terrible cough and sounds like he’s going to die?” At press time, Hartley told reporters that her father had taken a nasty fall, which had also excused his disgusting comments against Muslims, Jews, and the LGBT+ community.
Mike Greenberg Encouraged To Wear Mask To Help Prevent Spread Of Inane Commentary #~# NEW YORK—Insisting that the sports media giant was doing everything in its power to protect vulnerable groups, ESPN officials encouraged Get Up! host Mike Greenberg to wear a face mask to help prevent the spread of inane commentary. “We’re taking every necessary precaution to make sure Mike’s pointless babble doesn’t contaminate the studio,” said ESPN president James Pitaro, noting a significant improvement in company health after he required Max Kellerman to wear a mask and face shield. “Studies have shown that masks are 95% effective at muffling lukewarm ramblings about the NBA bubble. Ideally, nobody would be exposed to Mike Greenberg at all, but that just isn’t possible right now. We’re taking this problem seriously because it can affect everyone, no matter your age or race.” At press time, ESPN extended the mask requirement after learning elderly Americans who were exposed to Greenberg’s analysis had a 10% mortality rate.
Another Audubon Society Board Meeting Derailed By Members Scoffing Over Proportions Of Tweety Bird #~# NEW YORK—Finding themselves once again unable to progress through even a third of their agenda, the Audubon Society found themselves once again mired in controversy Thursday when an unprecedented fourth consecutive board meeting was derailed as attendees spent the bulk of their allotted time scoffing at cartoon character Tweety Bird’s “preposterous proportions.” “That monstrous head, that cephalic disaster, that over-swollen brainpan—my goodness, no bird has ever resembled or ever will resemble this abomination,” one anonymous member was quoted as saying in the meeting’s barely legible minutes, which indicated that all discussion devolved into the same cycles of Looney Tunes-inspired outrage that have plagued the Audubon Society since 1941, consistently eclipsing the itinerary’s urgent budget and fundraising issues. “Are we to believe this thing, this mutant, this veritable caricature, a flightless fowl with the eyes of a human and the vestigial wings of a dodo, is of the species Serinus canaria domestica? Why, the very idea! And what of those, shall we say, inflated feet—in an aspect greater than the entirety of the ludicrously small body—how is one to presume such an avian creature— for I shall not deign to call it by the name of bird—how does it walk? Perch? Peck for seed without over-toppling itself? Outrageous! Appalling! An affront to nature! An unconscionable mockery of our work!” At press time, the Audubon Society’s governing board once again delivered a letter to Warner Bros. demanding the studio “answer for the absurd liberties they have taken with ornithology, and the utter disregard of reason, taxonomy, and evolutionary principle,” receiving no response.
Fisher-Price Introduces New Bungee Jumperoo For Thrill-Seeking Babies #~# EAST AURORA, NY—Calling the activity center “perfect for newborns as well the most hardened young adrenaline junkies,” Fisher-Price introduced a new Bungee Jumperoo Thursday for thrill-seeking babies. “Whether your infant is diving off a bridge in Austria or plummeting from a rocky New Zealand cliff, the Fisher-Price Bungee Jumperoo offers babies stunning 360-degree views and a whopping 9 Gs of force,” said Fisher-Price spokesperson Chuck Larson, who touted the toy’s light-up carabineers, chew-proof elastic cording, and colorful safari creature baubles that are guaranteed to “make your newborn’s stomach drop.” “Simply attach the base to the edge of a 400-foot dropoff, strap your child into the triple-reinforced harness, and let them fly. Not only will they experience an unparalleled adrenaline high, but multiple studies have shown that using a Bungee Jumperoo helps prepare young daredevils for a life of skydiving, BASE jumping, and free climbing.” At press time, Fisher-Price announced it had recalled the Jumperoo after a dangerous chemical was found in the product’s dye. 
Congress Passes Bill To Build New 35-Mile Overpass Capable Of Housing Millions Of Evicted Americans #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to help ease the economic burden of the coronavirus pandemic, Congress passed a new bill Wednesday that approved $3 trillion in funding for a 35-mile overpass capable of housing millions of recently evicted U.S. citizens. “We know the American people are struggling, and we are thrilled to finally be able to offer them substantive relief in the form of this massive bridge structure that they can huddle under to avoid the elements,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, telling reporters that the overpass authorized by bill H.R. 487 would include plenty of shelter from the sun and wind as well as a generous 5-foot median to give a wide swath of unhoused Americans a place to sleep. “All men, women, and children participating in the program will automatically be given a supply of trash bags and old grocery circulars, and we’re also thrilled to announce that $12 billion has already been earmarked for the manufacture of shopping carts for carrying belongings. We know times are tough, but together, we will get through this pandemic.” Pelosi added that, obviously, lewd behavior or drug use would not be tolerated and much of the allocated funding would go towards weekly police sweeps of the overpass to ensure compliance. 
Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years #~# Are you as prepared as you should be for a natural disaster? Researchers have found that less than 10% of Americans have emergency plans in place for the moment the Earth is scorched to its rocky core and vaporized in the blink of an eye.
Glass Vial Shortage Could Delay Coronavirus Vaccine #~# As pharmaceutical companies rush to develop a vaccine for Covid-19, scientists and policymakers are concerned global demand for glass vials combined with borosilicate shortages could create bottlenecks in distributing the lifesaving drugs. What do you think?
A Guide To U.S. Coronavirus Travel Restrictions #~# As the coronavirus pandemic continues through the summer months, many states and cities around the U.S. have implemented restrictions on travelers. The Onion highlights some of the coronavirus travel restrictions around the country for anyone thinking of taking a trip.
Every Member Of Police Department Excitedly Volunteers To Go Undercover In White Supremacist Group #~# BALTIMORE, MD—As the police chief expressed amazement over the general enthusiasm for receiving the assignment, every member of the Baltimore Police Department was reportedly excitedly volunteering Wednesday to go undercover in a white supremacist group. “I’ll do it! I would be so good at going undercover—if I’m in there, the white supremacists won’t even be able to tell the difference,” said officer Tyson Ellerton, trying to get the chief’s attention over the din of the entire rest of the department begging to be the one to investigate a new local organization dedicated to upholding white Chrstian nationalism through violent means. “Please let me do it! No one will work harder than me to get into their mindset and lifestyle. Two months, two years, whatever it takes. I will live like a white supremacist to get inside their heads and understand how they work. Plus, I’ve already been working on an inside source—someone I just met, somehow—so I can use that connection to gain acceptance quickly. Come on, Chief, please please please. I’ve trained my whole life for this.” At press time, a thrilled Ellerton exclaimed that he had just a few minutes to make it to the white supremacist group’s upcoming meeting, leaving the station before the police chief had a chance to ask how he knew the scheduled time.
California Granting Bar-Closing Exemptions To Shithole Dives That Just Have 3 Old Guys Who’ll Be Dead Soon Anyway #~# SACRAMENTO—In a dramatic move intended to provide relief to those hardest hit among the state’s population, California governor Gavin Newsom signed into law Wednesday a bill that would provide a bar-closing exemption to shithole dives that just have three old guys sitting in them who will soon be dead anyway. “While safety is our foremost concern, we’ve concluded that there’s no real risk involved with leaving open any of those seedy corner bars with broken stools and some regulars named Roy, Ed, and Phil who drink flat cans of Old Style and have a few years left in them, at most,” said Newsom, adding that experts have found a relatively low risk of transmission because their plastered patrons spend every waking moment in the business’ dank, unlit barroom in complete silence, often only speaking up to recount the Raiders’ 1977 season. “Essentially, we’re saying if the bathroom toilet has been on the fritz for the past decade and every bottle behind the bar is visibly dusty, you’re in the clear to continue operating. Trust me, no one else is going in there. These places are real pieces of shit.” Newsom concluded, however, that bars that serve people with healthy lives and things left to live for will be forced to close.
Google Vows To Not Use Fitbit Data For Advertising #~# As part of their bid to finalize a $2.1 billion deal to purchase Fitbit, Google told EU regulators this week that the company will not use health data from the wearable activity trackers to help create targeted ads. What do you think?
Gentle Whisper Of Wind Through Willows, Dappling Of Sunlight Upon Leaves Unsure What More They Have To Do To Make Dipshit Look Up From Phone #~# CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—Unsure what more could possibly be done to attract the lumbering oaf’s attention, a gentle whisper of wind through the willows and a dappling of sunlight upon summer’s lush leaves expressed their consternation Wednesday on how to make local dipshit Andrew Meyers look up from his phone. “Jesus Christ, the air is redolent of honeysuckle, the morning dew is glistening on the grasses, and we’re working our asses off pumping out the aeolian harmony to make this numbnuts take a break from playing Jewel Mania long enough to see the magnificence of nature; yet we’re just getting jack shit from him in return,” reported the sublime natural phenomena, as they expressed their indignation that not even the almost painful beauty of sunshine beaming down from the heavens and warming the chump’s shoulder blade like a caress from the universe itself could coax the jackass from his digital slumber. “Look, we’ve got a brook babbling over here, the wildflowers are blooming like a motherfucker, there’s this gorgeous mist rolling in off the waterfront, and he’s obsessing about some bullshit a stranger, who he’ll never meet, posted on Twitter. What in the living fuck is wrong with him?” At press time, the beauty of the natural world had given up entirely after the moronic man had glanced away from social media in order to take a video of a squirrel chewing on a piece of styrofoam.
IRS Announces Taxpayers Can Make Checks Directly Payable To Any Corporation Or Billionaire They Want This Year #~# Hear how the IRS is looking to “cut out the middleman” by allowing taxpayers to send their money directly to billionaires like Larry Page, Jamie Dimon, or the Walton family.
Nutritionists Admit You Can Just Eat Hot Dogs And Live Like That For Basically Decades #~# DENVER—Conceding that people can, in fact, survive indefinitely on a daily diet consisting solely of ball park franks, top nutritionists admitted Wednesday that you could just eat hot dogs and live for basically decades. “We put a lot of work into formulating dietary guidelines based on discoveries and advancements in the field of food science, but honestly, if you just ate wieners three times a day every day, you’d be okay,” said nutritionist Alison Lawler, noting begrudgingly that a supermarket frankfurter contains sufficient proteins, carbohydrates, and minerals to sustain an average human well into their 80s. “You won’t be healthy per se, but you’d last on hot dogs for years and years. You wouldn’t feel great, you’d be a bit weak and tired, but that’s about it. And you’d most likely be reasonably happy, because, hey, hot dogs are pretty great. Now, by no means are we recommending that you stock your pantry full of hot dogs, but we have to admit, that wouldn’t be the end of the world.” At press time, the nutritionists were not available for further comment as they had all gone out for hot dogs.
New Report Links Nationwide Decline In Mental Health To Not Being Able To Eat Inside Hard Rock Cafe #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Providing an explanation for the burgeoning mental health crisis, researchers at Harvard University published a report Wednesday showing the nationwide decline in psychological wellbeing was linked to an inability to eat inside a Hard Rock Cafe. “After extensive research, we can state with a high degree of certainty that the largest contributing factor to increased anxiety and depression through the U.S. is not being able to enjoy a Legendary Steakburger or One Night In Bangkok Spicy Shrimp surrounded by iconic music memorabilia,” said lead researcher Gisenda Martin, confirming that while stopgap measures such as ordering curbside pickup or scrolling through the Hard Rock online store could provide temporary relief, they weren’t enough to treat the underlying psychological distress. “We’re beginning to see something of a ‘shadow pandemic’ in the aftermath of coronavirus closures, and unfortunately, all we can do at this point is to buckle down and get through it. And hopefully soon, we’ll be sipping on Rockin’ Fresh Ritas beneath a gown worn by Dolly Parton or Bon Jovi’s guitar.” Martin added that it was crucial for Americans not to let poor mental health lead them to harmful behaviors like dining at the Rainforest Cafe. 
Wells Fargo Orders Employees To Delete TikTok Citing Security Concerns #~# Wells Fargo has asked employees who have downloaded TikTok on company cell phones to delete the app immediately due to fears the Beijing-based social media company could hand over sensitive data to the Chinese government, a concern that cybersecurity experts say is largely hypothetical. What do you think?
Report: This Article Something To Look At For Few Minutes While Your Life Slips Away From You #~# CHICAGO—According to a new report issued Tuesday, this article, the one you are currently reading, is a thing you can look at for a few minutes while your life slips away and you inch ever closer to oblivion. “By scrolling absentmindedly through this story, we can confirm you will be provided with a way to occupy yourself, however momentarily, in the time you have left before you inevitably die,” the report reads in part, going on to state that this article has been shown to provide an ephemeral distraction from the chaotic numbness of everyday existence as the ever-decreasing number of days, hours, minutes, and seconds left in your life ticks down to zero. “The purpose of this article is not to provide comfort, as comfort is a delusion born of idle desperation. No, like all things, it is merely one more noise drowning in the terrible cacophony of unmeaning that constitutes the world you so fleetingly inhabit. You can read this article 10 times or 100 times, it’s all the same. Because in the end, you have no control. You are merely a passive observer of the relentless chain of cause and effect that creates the arbitrary series of events you call your life.” At press time, an updated edition of the report confirmed you are dead.
Jerry Jones Changes Team’s Name To Redskins Now That It’s Available #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Jumping at an opportunity that he has reportedly been waiting on for years, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced Tuesday that he would change the team’s name to Redskins now that it is available. “Washington has been squatting on that moniker for so long, but I always secretly felt like it was the perfect name for my team,” said Jones, who revealed he filed the paperwork with the league to change the name within hours of Washington dropping it, and has attempted to trademark the name “Redskins” for the next 50 years. “This name really gets at the heart of what we stand for as a franchise. This is America’s team, and Cowboys is just so generic. But Redskins has punch, it means something, it symbolizes the values of this country, and that is what I want for my team. I’m just pissed we couldn’t get the rights to Chief Wahoo, too.” At press time, Jones had released market research suggesting that merchandise emblazoned with the Redskins logo would sell more than four times better in Texas than Cowboys apparel.
Los Angeles, San Diego Schools Will Remain Remote-Only This Fall #~# California’s two largest public school districts announced Monday that they have abandoned plans to partially reopen schools later this year and will instead teach students 100% online. What do you think?
Will Smith Reveals Extramarital Relationship With Younger ‘Gemini Man’ Co-Star #~# CALABASAS, CA—In an effort to finally set the record straight, actor Will Smith revealed Tuesday that during the film’s production in 2018, he had engaged in a passionate extramarital relationship with his younger Gemini Man co-star. “We hit a rough patch in our marriage a few years back, and I found myself locked in an intense relationship with my co-star,” said Smith, who insisted the affair was “never predatory” despite the vast age difference between the two and confirmed rumors that the relationship started at around the same time Jada Pinkett Smith began her romantic entanglement with singer August Alsina. “I don’t even think of it as infidelity because I got tacit permission to pursue this relationship. It’s usually pretty easy for me to separate work and personal life, but never before had I felt such a strong connection. It was like we had known each other our whole lives—we had more in common than I could ever imagine. We’d shoot our scenes and I would just lose myself in those kind eyes.” At press time, a teary eyed Smith recalled the end of their relationship after his co-star fell in love with Jada. 
Bank Heist Crew Beginning To Question Inclusion Of Entomology Expert #~# LAS VEGAS, NV—Realizing the complicated high-profile caper they were planning did not, in fact, include the use of insects, a Las Vegas-based bank heist crew found themselves questioning Tuesday the inclusion of a world-class entomologist in their ranks. “So, does anyone actually know why Dr. Moerdenson is coming with us?” said Cassandra Fiero, a disgraced SAS corporal and the group’s demolitions expert, who had previously expressed doubts that the subterranean vault they were training to hit was guarded by Africanized killer bees, venomous beetles, or the like. “I suppose having him around would make sense if we were casing a natural history museum or an exotic zoological garden, but this is, not to put too fine a point on it, a bank. We couldn’t afford to hire a getaway driver, but Moerdenson says not to worry, as he’s brought along his tweezers and magnifying glass. Is he at least, perhaps, an infamous rogue entomologist?” At press time, the heist crew’s piano tuner, ceramics teacher, and lyric poet also voiced their own concerns regarding Moerdenson’s inclusion.
New York Adds ‘No Deaf Child In Area’ Signs So Drivers Know When They Can Be As Reckless As Possible #~# Nearly 400,000 of the traffic signs have gone up around the state in an effort to alert motorists when it is appropriate to drive like a complete bat out of hell. 
Starbucks To Require Face Masks For Customers #~# Starting July 15, Starbucks will require all customers to wear facial coverings inside stores to protect employees and other patrons, a decision based on CDC recommendations meant to curb the spread of Covid-19. What do you think?
Joe Rogan Starting To Make A Lot Of Sense To Man Who Gets All His News From Joe Rogan #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that he was really starting to come around on the podcast host and commentator, Greg Torkson, a local man who gets all his news from Joe Rogan, confirmed Tuesday that Joe Rogan was starting to make a lot of sense. “At first, some of the stuff he was saying sounded pretty far fetched, but the more that I watched The Joe Rogan Experience to the exclusion of all other media, the more I realized that there really were a lot of unanswered questions about chem-trails,” said Torkson, noting that he’d been swayed by Rogan’s strident advocacy for legalizing psychedelics and stopping infant circumcision after hearing nothing else for the past several months. “I’ll admit that some of the stuff that he says about extraterrestrials might be a little too radical for people who aren’t exposed to a deluge of his every thought and opinion on a near-constant basis, but once he becomes your sole outlet for information, you really find yourself starting to nod along.” Torkson acknowledged that no matter he much of the podcast he listened to, he still couldn’t believe Rogan had supported fucking Gary Johnson for president. 
Leaf Ruined After Being Left Out In Rain #~# CATASAUQUA, PA—Expressing regret that he hadn’t taken better care of the prized possession, foliage enthusiast Andrew Gerard confirmed Tuesday that his maple leaf was completely ruined after being left out in the rain. “Christ, it’s all soggy and falling apart now,” said Gerard, who used a hair dryer in a failed effort to save the waterlogged leaf. “I should have brought that inside right away or at least covered it with a tarp. What a waste, that thing was in perfect condition. Ugh, the same damn thing happened when I left out our brand-new dirt.” At press time, Gerard was desperately rummaging through the woods to find a replacement leaf before his kids came back from camp.
Trump Commutes Sentence for Roger Stone #~# President Trump on Friday commuted the 40-month prison sentence of political ally Roger Stone, who was set to report to federal prison this week following conviction for witness tampering, obstruction of justice, and lying to Congress by a jury last year. What do you think?
Trump Administration Plants 137,000 Corpses In Fauci’s Bed To Frame Him For Coronavirus Deaths #~# WASHINGTON—Placing an anonymous phone call to report a foul smell emitting from the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases director’s home, officials from the Trump administration reportedly planted 137,000 corpses in Anthony Fauci’s bed Monday to frame him for the country’s coronavirus deaths. “We finally got the guy responsible for coronavirus,” said White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, who cited police reports that found information on the coronavirus dating back to January on Fauci’s laptop. “Police had good reason to believe Fauci is the perpetrator of Covid-19 after linking him to past pandemics. They found hundreds of video interviews where he relentlessly talked about coronavirus. He’d clearly developed some kind of obsession. You know, 130,000 dead bodies don’t just appear by accident.” At press time, authorities suspected that Fauci was working with an accomplice after the coronavirus death toll continued to increase despite his arrest. 
Defeated Player Vows To Log Back Onto ‘League Of Legends’ Early Tomorrow Morning When Most Teens Haven’t Woken Up #~# RENO, NV—Following yet another brutal blowout at the hands of his rival participants, local League Of Legends player Tom Sullivan vowed Monday that he would log back onto the multiplayer game tomorrow morning when most of the teens probably haven’t woken up. “Every time I start playing, I can’t go more than 10 minutes before some pack of 15-year-olds completely overruns my defenses and wipes out my Nexus,” said Sullivan, promising that he would seek his revenge by setting his alarm for early tomorrow morning that he could get in a few rounds before his first conference call. “It’s not just that they’re absolutely annihilating me in every game mode I choose, it’s also that they’re calling me a ‘simp’ and a bunch of acronyms that I don’t know. I hope to God enough of them are sleeping tomorrow morning that I can get some breathing room and push Ezreal past level five without being completely wrecked.” At press time, a visibly disappointed Sullivan reported that the South Korean teens logging onto Riot Games servers at 7 a.m. (PST) were even more unforgiving.
‘Hey, I Think You’re Muted,’ Man Tells Coworker Screaming ‘Fuck You, Fuck All Of You’ On Zoom Call #~# SAN DIEGO—Noticing the woman’s lips appeared to be moving during the afternoon Zoom meeting, local man David Keely said “Hey, I think you’re muted” Monday to coworker Cassie Boyd, who was screaming “Fuck you, fuck all of you.” “Wait, nobody can hear you,” said Keely, was quickly joined by the rest of his coworkers in offering Boyd troubleshooting solutions as the woman stabbed a finger toward the camera and threatened to rip out their throats with her teeth the first chance she got. “Uh oh, I don’t think your microphone is connected. Did you try unplugging your headphones and plugging them back in? Hmm. Have you hit ‘Join audio?’ Sorry, we still can’t hear you.” At press time, Boyd had successfully unmuted her microphone and announced “Never mind” to the group. 
KitchenAid Unveils New Lobster Sedation Kit To Reduce Cruelty Of Boiling Them Alive #~# BENTON HARBOR, MI—Advertised as an essential home appliance for any seafood lover, KitchenAid unveiled Monday the latest addition to its line of products, a lobster sedation kit designed to reduce the cruelty inherent in boiling to death a living, feeling creature. “KitchenAid has developed a more humane method of lobster preparation that helps manage the pain a lobster feels upon being dropped into a 16-quart pot of scalding-hot water,” said company spokesperson Carolyn Green, adding that marine biologists and chefs had confirmed the kit’s proprietary blend of powerful anesthesia and rich, hand-churned butter alleviated the pain of a lobster’s blistering hot demise by up to 65%, while also improving flavor considerably. “Rather than violently plunging a still-very-much-alive meal into 212-degree water without warning, both professional and at-home chefs can now facilitate a more peaceful transition for their dinner. Our full line of end-of-life products for your lobster includes a small embroidered pillow it can lay its head upon, a compact disc of serene ocean sounds, a small tank of nitrous oxide with a little application mask, and a soothing olive oil massage serum that promotes both relaxation and succulence. After the session, simply lower the medicated, fully marinated lobster to its bubbling death as if it were a nice, hot bath. And enjoy!” Green added that the company planned to offer customers with more sensitive lobsters, a controlled-release opioid-delivery system with a button specifically fashioned to be pressed by a claw.
Report: Carrying Around Boombox On Shoulder Still Coolest Thing Most Americans Can Imagine #~# NEW YORK—Citing data provided by a focus group of over 100,000 people across all demographics, a new report published Monday by the Nielsen Company confirmed that someone carrying around a giant boombox on their shoulder was still the coolest thing the majority of Americans could imagine. “Despite decades of technological leaps, global innovation, and the ever-shifting fads of personal style, when asked to close their eyes and imagine the most badass thing possible, 99.99% of those surveyed revealed that the primary image that came to mind was someone strutting around the street, blasting tunes on a boombox,” said lead researcher Rhonda Jackson, noting that even when presented with photos of someone jumping a motorcycle over a row of school buses, bad boys in leather jackets, and even a knife-wielding crab, those depicting a Lasonic TRC-975 portable double-cassette player with a ten band equalizer hoisted by a hardcore motherfucker were consistently selected as the absolute height of awesomeness. “Some variations among song choice and media types emerged when pressed for details, as well as whether the substitution of kickass high-top roller skates would increase or detract from the hipness factor, but, overall, the general aesthetic of a B-boy or B-girl armed with a blaring boombox was almost unanimously agreed upon as ‘totally fucking dope.’” Jackson added that the 10 participants who made up the .01 percentage point differential had all been adamant that nothing could be cooler than bulldogs wearing sunglasses while riding on a skateboard. 
Florida Shatters Daily Coronavirus Infection Record #~# Florida officials reported over 15,300 new Covid-19 cases on Sunday, surpassing New York’s record of 12,000 in April, while businesses including Disney World reopen across the state. What do you think?
Physicists Hail Major Breakthrough After Discovering Neutrinos Just Little Italian Neutrons #~# CHICAGO—Confirming the search for the mysterious Godfather particle was finally over, physicists at the University of Chicago hailed what they call a major breakthrough Monday after discovering neutrinos are just little Italian neutrons. “We’ve long believed neutrinos were created by nuclear reactions inside stars, but the truth is they’re just neutrons that originated in Tuscany, Piedmont, Sicily, and other regions of the Italic Peninsula,” said astrophysicist Dr. John Marder, whose experiments that involved shooting beams of neutrinos from a particle accelerator allowed scientists to observe that the Italian neutrons left behind nearly imperceptible trails of marinara sauce. “Over 100 trillion neutrinos pass through your body every second, but you never feel their little chef’s hats or big, bushy, black mustaches. That’s because matter has little effect on neutrinos; they only interact via the weak nuclear force to gesticulate wildly about nearby pizzerias or argue about the proper way to make a gravy. Discovering they are fluent in Italian has revolutionized our understanding of the quantum world.” At press time, Marder decried the idea that all neutrinos have mafia ties as a harmful, scientifically incorrect stereotype.
Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit #~# BRUNSWICK, ME—Dispelling commonly held beliefs surrounding their unusual sleep habits, ornithologists at Bowdoin College released a groundbreaking new study Monday that attributed owls’ nocturnal lifestyle to their hard cocaine habit. “The reason owls are so alert at night is because they have a crippling addiction to cocaine, which causes them to stay yipped up into the wee hours before they completely crash at dawn,” said lead researcher Nathaniel Wheelwright, explaining how the species’ darting head movements and dilated pupils were caused by snorting numerous lines over the course of an evening with their owl buddies. “After ripping a bunch of rails in remote tree branches or darkened corners of barns, these tweaked-out birds of prey will stay up all night repeatedly making and remaking their nests. We have also discovered that owls swallow their prey whole because the drug significantly reduces their appetite.” Wheelwright added that bats’ nocturnal lifestyle, on the other hand, could be attributed to their penchant for methamphetamines.
Prison Guards Gun Down Inmate Trying To Escape Jail Through Transportive Power Of Reading #~# Authorities say the prisoner was attempting to escape the confines of the 432-acre complex by getting lost in the fantastical world of Robin Hobb’s “The Farseer Trilogy.” Hear what steps are being taken by prison officials to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 13, 2020 #~# Full article.
Michael Cohen Sent Back To Prison #~# President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen, who was granted temporary home confinement due to coronavirus concerns, has been taken back to federal prison to continue serving his three-year sentence after violating the terms of his release. What do you think?
Timeline Of Officials Trying To Get Trump’s Financial Records #~# The recent Supreme Court ruling permitting New York state prosecutors to get President Donald Trump’s financial records, the release of which has been a subject of controversy since his 2016 run for president. The Onion looks at the timeline of politicians and legislators trying to get Trump’s financial records.
Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools #~# WASHINGTON—As the nation falls deeper into the grip of a pandemic that has forced compromises upon his most cherished principles, a self-loathing Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) acknowledged Friday he could not believe he had been reduced to defending the necessity of public schools in a civil society. “I hear these words coming out of my mouth, these requests for more federal dollars so public schools can reopen, and I wonder, ‘My God, what have I become?’” said Alexander, who wondered aloud whether he might still be able to console himself by diverting money from lunch programs and using it to build more charter schools. “I can barely recognize myself anymore, this man who goes on television and talks about how a return to normalcy in American life depends upon increasing funds to public schools and ensuring they have everything they need to succeed. Ugh, how has it come to this? Has the half century I’ve spent in politics been a complete waste?” At press time, Alexander had reportedly cheered himself up by thinking about all the public school teachers and staff whose health would be threatened by reopening too soon.
Deal Alert: An Advance Copy Of ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Sitting On The Tracks And The Train Is Still A Good 50 Yards Away #~# All aboard, gamers! We’ve uncovered a once-in-a-lifetime bargain, but you’ll have to act fast to snag this deal: An early-release copy of Cyberpunk 2077 is sitting right there on the railroad tracks and the train is still a good 50 yards away.
CDC Guidelines Say It’s Safe To Play Tennis If That’s Honestly How You Want To Spend Your Free Time #~# ATLANTA—Admitting that it is your life and what you care about is none of their business, new CDC pandemic guidelines released Friday stated that it is safe to play tennis if that is honestly how you want to spend your free time. “Standing that far apart and hitting balls over nets won’t risk transmission very much, so if this is seriously your thing and something you enjoy, then sure, go ahead,” said CDC head Robert Redfield, who noted that of all the things you were safe to do, from camping to walking your dog to watching movies, tennis could theoretically be an activity someone would prefer. “If this is your idea of fun, don’t let anything stop you. I mean, if we were gonna sweat our ass off in the scorching hot sun, we’d at least go to the beach, but you do you. At least in golf you can drink or drive those little carts, but whatever, it’s fine, it’s safe.” At press time, the CDC had rescinded the new guidelines after discovering Covid-19 incubates in headband sweat.
Teens Flock To New App Where They Just Enter Own Personal Data Into Form #~# NEW YORK—Revealing that the new software had seen skyrocketing growth among Gen-Z users over the past six months, consumer trends researchers confirmed Friday that teens are flocking to a new app where they just enter their own personal data into a form. “With over 650 million active users worldwide, Spress has proven immensely popular with teens who like the simplicity of just entering their name, address, and Social Security number into the appropriate data fields,” said Deloitte trend researcher Melanie Brandt, adding that the Spress app set itself apart from the pack among apps targeting to 13- to 18-year-olds by enabling users to hand over their sensitive personal information via text, pictures, and even video without any other function or product whatsoever. “Teen users also love the social aspect, which allows you to tag your friends so they have to enter their personal information. The success of this app, which dispenses with the normal features and functions of apps like TikTok, Vine, and Instagram in favor of just sending your personal information to the app’s investors, will likely make Spress the gold standard for new app development.” At press time, the app had nearly doubled in popularity among teens following the new company-generated Spress Yourself Challenge, where users competed to see who could enter the most personal data into the app.
Silicon Valley Billionaires Unveil Diversity Initiative To Replace 60% Of Own Blood With Transfusion From Young People Of Color #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Guaranteeing that candidates from a wide array of backgrounds would play part in helping them live forever, a coalition of Silicon Valley billionaires unveiled a new diversity initiative Friday to replace 60% of their own blood with transfusions from young people of color. “In an effort to ensure our vision of inclusion, we are pledging today to harvest blood from thousands of diverse applicants around the country to prevent us from ever aging,” said Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff, explaining that while young white people’s blood unfortunately accounted for the vast majority of their vital fluids, the billionaires set ambitious benchmarks for the amount of minority blood they would pump into their veins in the coming years. “Sure, we’ve done well in transfusing Asian American blood into ourselves recently, but that’s simply not enough. We have an obligation to do more to make sure that historically underrepresented groups’ blood has a place in our veins because they hold the same key to eternal youth as any white person in their teens and 20s.” At press time, the billionaires claimed this was just the first step, and that within the next 5 to 10 years they plan to start harvesting organs from healthy, young minorities.
New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth #~# Plus, a new presidential poll shows each candidate’s name, followed by a number, then a percentage sign. But what do they mean?
Study Finds Rats Experience Bystander Effect #~# A new study from the University of Chicago has found that rats will work to free a trapped companion if they see others helping, but they are less likely to become involved if nearby rats are not assisting, suggesting that mammals besides humans can suffer from the bystander effect. What do you think?
Johnny Depp Interrupts Libel Case To Duck Behind Witness Stand, Pop Up In Judge’s Robes Banging Oversized Gavel #~# LONDON—During testimony Thursday in his libel case against a U.K. newspaper group, Johnny Depp reportedly interrupted court proceedings when he ducked behind the witness stand and suddenly popped up behind the bench in judge’s robes and a powdered wig, banging an oversized gavel. “Hear ye, hear ye, I doth find the defense most guilty!” the 57-year-old actor said as he stepped lightly toward the defendant’s table, reclined atop it in a leisurely manner, and exclaimed, “I object!”—and then reappeared in the judge’s seat to shout “Overruled!” while once more banging his gavel, which made a loud honking sound. “Oyez, oyez! As the marvelous magistrate of this Royal Court of Justice, it is my duty to indubitably, indisputably declare there be no more preposterous nonsense in this trial most important, most splendiferous, most fantabulous and flim-flammibous! You there! To the towers with ye! Clap him in irons and throw away the key!” At press time, sources confirmed Depp had somehow twirled himself into a black-and-white-striped prisoner costume just moments after being found in contempt of court.
How A Case Gets To The Supreme Court #~# The Supreme Court is back in session making rulings that will affect the lives of millions of Americans, shining a spotlight on how cases arrive to be heard by the nation’s highest judicial body. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how a case makes it to the Supreme Court.
Apologetic DeSean Jackson Pledges To Learn More By Going To Hitler Museum #~# PHILADELPHIA—Responding to the backlash after posting a quote misattributed to the Nazi leader on his Instagram page, an apologetic DeSean Jackson pledged to deepen his understanding of anti-semitism by visiting the Hitler Museum. “I know I screwed up and I promise to do the work of educating myself on the historical persecution of Adolf Hitler,” said Jackson, clarifying that he spoke against the German chancellor without fully understanding the historical context surrounding his rise to power and attacked anti-semitism without knowing the real nuance of Nazi Germany’s policies. “I know I said he was a bad guy, but it turns out we actually share some ideas. I spoke from a place of ignorance at a time when people of all beliefs about Jews should all be rallying together. I would like to apologize to Hilter and his family estate for my false attribution.” At press time, Jackson announced he would be honoring the truth about the Jewish people this season with his new goose-stepping touchdown celebration.
Supreme Court Rules Employers Can Opt Out Of Birth Control Coverage #~# The Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that employers with moral or religious objections do not have to provide no-cost birth control coverage to women, as had previously been required under the Affordable Care Act. What do you think?
Total Banger On Grocery Store Loudspeaker Interrupted For Lost Child Announcement #~# LINCOLN, NE—Shoppers at a local Fareway Grocery were reportedly annoyed Thursday after a total banger on the loudspeaker was interrupted for a missing child announcement. “I was just starting to groove out to ‘Kodachrome’ when the store manager cuts in for some bullshit about parents who can’t find their kid,” said customer Mark Barbin, confirming that his excitement at hearing the Paul Simon hit quickly turned to disappointment as the bulletin about the lost 9-year-old girl stretched on for over 30 seconds. “This is just really unfortunate timing. It’s not like waiting a couple more minutes to ask if anyone’s seen Suzanne is going to make a big difference, so they could have at least waited until the radio station went to commercial. At this point, I’m just hoping they wrap it up soon—like, okay, how many times do you have to repeat her description and that she’s prone to seizures or whatever? If they don’t cut to the chase, I’m going to totally miss out on the chorus.” At press time, Barbin was reportedly further frustrated after being unable to hear the end of the song over the loud wailing of a nearby mother. 
Teen Who Died From Coronavirus Probably Had Undiagnosed Old Age #~# PHOENIX—Noting that the medical problem was common in these sorts of cases, sources confirmed Thursday that 17-year-old Kevin Albright, a local teenager who died of coronavirus, probably had undiagnosed old age. “Sure, it’s obviously a tragedy anytime someone loses their life to the coronavirus, but in this case, it’s pretty clear that this kid’s death must be linked to a preexisting condition like being elderly,” reported 43-year-old Arizona resident Alex Suhart, stressing that there were plenty of high-risk teens going about their daily lives completely unaware that they were actually septuagenarians or octogenarians. “What’s really sad is that most of them, in all likelihood, don’t find out that they’re geriatric until they’re struggling to breathe in the emergency room. But you’ve got to discount cases like this. Honestly, if this teenager had underlying elderliness, then I bet he would have died from it without even catching coronavirus.” Suhart also told reporters that the exact same thing happened to him when he discovered he was a morbidly obese man with predispositions to heart disease despite only weighing 150 pounds.
Panicking Professional Poker Player Suddenly Can’t Remember Whether Ace Is Better Than King #~# LAS VEGAS—Feeling completely helpless while staring down at his cards, professional poker player Tony Eggold reportedly began to panic Thursday after suddenly realizing he couldn’t remember whether an ace was better than a king. “Okay, okay focus—I have $147,000 in the pot right now, so I’ve got to figure this out fast,” said Eggold, whose eyes darted anxiously between the two cards as he struggled to decipher whether the ace of hearts in his hand was lower than a king because it’s not a monarch or higher than a king because of alphabetical order. “Someone said deuce is wild at one point, does that factor in at all? Shit. This is not good. Come on, Tony, you’ve been doing this for years. Just think, dammit. It’s got to be either higher or lower. Unless they’re equal? Fuck. Maybe I could just ask someone.” At press time, Eggold was even more frustrated after the player beside him admitted he didn’t know the answer either. 
Cam Newton Scrambling To Get Up To Speed After Patriots Send Him Playbook Of Every NFL Team #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Hurriedly trying to organize the dozens of boxes from around the league ahead of his preseason season debut, Cam Newton told reporters Thursday that he was scrambling to get up to speed after the New England Patriots sent him a playbook of every NFL team. “This is thousands of pages, it’s going to take forever to read—and I haven’t even started watching all the security footage of teams practicing yet,” said Newton, expressing relief that he was able to rush through all the offenses from Sean McVay’s coaching tree, only to get bogged down by the 49ers tricky defensive scheme. “I’ve gotten formation photos, radio frequencies for headsets, and some of these coaches’ playbooks that go back as far as the ’90s. I thought I’d be able to breeze through the NFC South, but they actually have Panthers plays in here that I’ve never seen before. Oh, God, I’m gonna be up all night.” At press time, Newton had finally finished reading all the playbooks and had moved onto the team’s list of psychological profiles on every NFL quarterback.
FBI Warns Teenage Cyberbullying Driving Hundreds Of Undercover Agents To Suicide #~# OPR sits down with several former undercover agents who were mocked for their looks, their bad clothes, and the fact that they were all virgins.
Pandemic Accelerating Decline Of Paper Currency #~# Analysts say the pandemic has increased the rate at which Americans are abandoning cash in favor of digital payments as businesses and consumers move to online shopping in order to reduce physical contact. What do you think?
Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro Tests Positive For Covid-19 #~# Following months of refusing to wear a mask or socially distance, Brazil’s president announced Tuesday that he has Covid-19, telling reporters that he assumed he had already contracted the virus earlier because of his close contact with the public. What do you think?
Man Can’t Shake Feeling That Someone Other Than Government, Employer, Advertisers Watching Him #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Desperately attempting to free himself from a lingering sense of paranoia, local man Adreese Fowler admitted Wednesday that he just couldn’t seem to shake the creeping sensation that someone other than the government, his employer, and advertisers was watching him. “I keep getting this eerie feeling that everything I do is being monitored by a person who isn’t from the FBI, Silicon Valley, or my company’s corporate office,” said Fowler, adding that whoever was tracking him wasn’t simply engaged in comprehensive surveillance of his behavior at work and home, or harvesting his data to create a meticulously detailed profile of his personal beliefs, interests, and habits to sell to a third party. “It’s hard to articulate, but I think there’s someone out there keeping tabs on me besides Facebook, our HR department, Grand Rapids PD, and the people who make the phone I keep in my pocket and carry everywhere I go. I feel it when I’m driving, too, as if it’s not just the countless brands that pay Google to access my GPS information that are following my every move. Ugh, I get goosebumps every time I think about it.” At press time, reports confirmed the strange, uncomfortable presence Fowler had felt lurking alongside him was nothing less than God the Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, keeping watch over the man as he made his way through this world.
How To Extend The Lifespan Of Your Tech Devices #~# As economic uncertainty drives people to be cost-conscious, keeping your technology functioning longer can save money and reduce stress. The Onion offers tips for extending the lifespan of your tech devices. 
Corrupt Policeman Worried About Working With Partner Who Has Never Once Taken Bribe #~# BOSTON—Saying he “doesn’t know what this fucking guy’s problem is,” corrupt police officer Glen Morris confirmed Wednesday that he was deeply concerned to be working with a partner who has never once taken a bribe. “Maybe he’s got an issue with how I run my beat, but this is how it works around here and I’m not about to get ratted out by some punk-ass do-gooder,” Morris said as Tootsie Roll, his new partner, cantered around the 7-Eleven parking lot while swishing his tail to keep the flies off. “I offered him a cut of my take from the nail salon and he just looked at me, just flat-out refused to even touch the money. Does he think he’s better than me? Is he maybe even a narc? It’s like the guy has blinders on for all I can read that long face of his. Alls I’m saying is Mr. Tootsie Roll better get with the program or this ain’t gonna work out between us two.” Morris later had some success with wrapping a wad of 20s around a carrot in an attempt to get his new partner to play along.
Man Somehow Able To Muster Strength To Fold Laundry Without Listening To Podcast #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Drawing from deep wells of courage he had previously assumed depleted, local man Alex Delande somehow mustered the strength Wednesday to fold laundry without listening to a podcast. Eyewitnesses marveled as the audacious 31-year-old persevered through seven towels and nine pairs of pants without consuming so much as a minute of his favorite history show or learning a single factoid about the origins of the word “biscuit,” refusing to succumb to boredom as he matched sock after sock. Delande was then observed completing the arduous journey from the couch to the bedroom in total silence, powered by nothing but sheer willpower as he took the extra care to place a few shirts on hangers in the closet. At press time, Delande had left the remainder of his folded laundry in a pile on top of his dresser after wandering off to go look for his phone. 
‘I Want You To Love Again One Day,’ Whispers Dying Man Clearly Overestimating Amount Of Grief Wife Will Experience #~# NORFOLK, VA—Mustering the last of his strength to turn and face his wife, local dying man Stanley Tarrington, 58, reportedly used his final labored breaths Wednesday to tell Mary Anne Tarrington, 54, that she should one day love another, a clear overestimation, sources confirmed, of the grief she will feel upon his death. “Honey, I know it’s impossible to imagine right now, but in the future—a long, long time from now—you may reach a point at which you will find yourself ready to move on,” the visibly frail Tarrington whispered to his wife, who according to reports was upset by his passing, but never had any intention of remaining single for the rest of her life, having already made a mental catalog of a half dozen or so men she would like to date after her husband was gone. “Please, Mary Anne, look me in the eyes and promise me that if that day comes, you’ll search and find a way, somehow, to open your heart to a new love—even if that person can never live up to the memories you have of us. It pains me to imagine you staying lonely forever.” At press time, sources confirmed the newly widowed Mary Anne Tarrington was filling the void in her life by downloading dating apps, scheduling several nights out with friends, and booking a 15-day singles cruise to the Caribbean.
City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims #~# Authorities in Carson City are calling it one of the most underwhelming serial killers the city has ever seen, and are hoping to put an end to this chilling, yet uncreative rampage before the murderer strikes again.
Patrick Mahomes Signs 10-Year, $400 Million Extension With Chiefs #~# Quarterback Patrick Mahomes has agreed to a $400 million contract extension to continue playing for the Kansas City Chiefs through 2031, making Mahomes the highest-paid NFL player of all time. What do you think?
Freshman Who Would Have Fallen Through Dorm Window First Weekend Sad To Miss Out On College Experience #~# SPRINGFIELD, OH—Lamenting the school’s decision to move classes online to combat the spread of Covid-19, incoming Ohio State freshman Kurt Ryan, who would have fallen through a dorm window on the first weekend on campus, admitted Tuesday he was sad to miss out on the “full college experience.” “Honestly, I was really excited about getting out of my parents’ house and finally having a little independence,” said the 18-year-old, who in all likelihood would have shotgunned five beers, toppled out the window, suffered numerous critical head injuries, and sparked a weeklong conversation about the dangers of binge-drinking that would temporarily serve as a cautionary tale for his peers. “I’m bummed I won’t get to meet and make friends with my classmates [who would have witnessed him plummeting to the ground and then abandoned his unresponsive form in their dorm’s courtyard, fearing reprisal if they reported the incident to campus police]. It really sucks that I won’t be able to make those freshman-year memories [of slowly regaining consciousness in a hospital just 48 hours after his arrival at school and being forced to spend the next nine months learning to talk again].” At press time, reports confirmed Ryan had approximated campus life by drunkenly passing out on the front lawn of his parents’ house. 
Tell-All Book By Donald Trump’s Niece To Be Released Early #~# After a judge lifted the restraining order prohibiting distribution of the book, Simon & Schuster announced they will bump up the release date of Mary Trump’s memoir about her uncle and the Trump family, citing extraordinary interest and high demand. What do you think?
Effects Of The Nationwide Protests Against Police Brutality #~# Since a police officer killed Black man George Floyd on May 25, mass protests have continued across the country and inspired a variety of changes within cities, movements, culture, and broader society. The Onion looks at some of the most significant effects of the nationwide protests against police brutality.
Fox Criticized For Cropping Epstein Party Photo To Remove Killer Buffet Spread #~# NEW YORK—Following the broadcast of a doctored photograph featuring the financier and convicted sex offender, Fox News received widespread criticism Tuesday for cropping a picture of Jeffrey Epstein at a party to edit out the killer buffet spread. “This is typical of the lax journalistic standards of Fox News to mislead the public by suggesting Epstein was holding some sort of rinky-dink get-together when, in fact, there was a veritable smorgasbord for his visitors to enjoy,” said Angelo Carusone of Media Matters, adding that the conservative network had engaged in misleading editing practices in an effort to omit the truth that the party had featured a full dessert bar equipped with fruit, pastries, and a chocolate fountain. “The truth is, there was an abundance of high-class options like caviar and bacon-wrapped scallops, as well as comfort food like sliders and mac-and-cheese balls, but that doesn’t fit into the narrative that Fox is trying to construct, so facts be damned. You’d never know it from looking at the photo that Fox put out, but this party was just one example of Epstein’s long history of providing numerous waiters to ensure guests like Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, Prince Andrew, and Alan Dershowitz always had ample hors d’oeuvres.” Carusone added that this journalistic oversight was particularly egregious for Fox News reporters since they, along with virtually everyone else in the media, had attended dozens of Epstein’s get-togethers over the years. 
Dumbass Dog Wearing Face Mask All Wrong #~# OLATHE, KS—Expressing frustration over the way the canine was recklessly endangering the health of everyone around him, customers at a local PetSmart told reporters Tuesday that there was a dumbass dog walking around wearing his face mask all wrong. “Seriously, that fucking idiot dog is putting lives at risk by improperly wearing his mask like that,” said shopper Damien Benson of the beagle whose snout was completely exposed, explaining that he was seriously considering telling a store employee about the hazard the animal posed. “Jesus. How hard is it for the pea-brained mutt to just pull it up? I get that it’s hot out, but we all have to make some sacrifices here.” At press time, Benson became livid after the dog brazenly broke social distancing guidelines by approaching a customer and licking her.
Fly Thinks Back Fondly On Time It Got To Perch On Popsicle Stick For Few Seconds #~# SOUTH HADLEY, MA—Recalling the joyful experience from its youth, a local fly reportedly reminisced Tuesday about the time it had gotten to perch on a popsicle stick for a few seconds. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of adventures in this crazy world, but no matter where my travels take me, I’ll always cherish that long-ago memory of alighting on a slightly damp wooden stick and taking a couple of steps,” said the fly, telling reporters that while it knew it was probably looking back on the experience with rose-colored glasses, it truly believed there was something magical about the taste of the cherry flavor on its feet. “I’ve tried explaining the simple wonder of high fructose corn syrup to some of today’s maggots, but they just don’t understand—for them, the world begins and ends with the rotting cheeseburger they grew up in. They think I’m a sentimental old fool, and heck, I suppose I am.” At press time, the fly was reflecting bittersweetly on the high highs and low lows of life after being sprayed with bleach. 
Consulting Firm Recommends Keeping Consulting Firm On For 6 More Months #~# ASHEVILLE, NC—In a lengthy report laying out recommendations it described as absolutely essential to its client’s future success, consulting firm Hewitt Lord Advisors suggested Tuesday that a business keep the consulting firm on for six more months. “After reviewing the numbers, we can say with confidence that retaining the services of Hewitt Lord Advisors should be your top priority for the next two quarters,” the report from Hewitt Lord Advisors read in part, adding that the consulting firm furthermore recommended the business double the amount it was currently paying the consulting firm in order to optimize results going forward. “While our projections for your firm remain optimistic, they are dependent on your continuing to compensate us through December, at least. It’s clear from the information we’ve gathered that not renewing your contract with us would have potentially devastating consequences for your bottom line, especially considering that our in-depth analysis of your strategic spending indicates you need us to conduct additional analyses of your strategic spending immediately. You could also realize our heightened revenue projections by setting aside more cash for your next contract with us, as 2021 is certain to bring with it new challenges for your firm and new fees from ours.” The report went on to suggest several ways the client could free up funds to spend on the consulting firm, such as cutting staff benefits and laying off several dozen employees. 
Lime Unveils Pilot Program For Inexplicable New E-Cubes #~# Could these huge electric cubes that citygoes can drag, push, or roll with them to their destination be the future of transportation?
Prehistoric Monument Discovered Near Stonehenge #~# Archaeologists have discovered a ring of 20 pits each measuring 33 feet wide and 16 feet deep just a few miles from Stonehenge, which they say predate the famous English monument by at least 1,500 years. What do you think?
Kanye West Announces Plan To Run For President #~# In a July 4th tweet, Kanye West announced his intention to run for president, though he has missed several state deadlines to appear on the ballot and has yet to file any official paperwork. What do you think?
Trump Slaughters Dozens Of American Troops In Hopes Of Cashing In On Russian Bounties #~# BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN—Following intelligence reports that Moscow offered to pay Taliban-linked militants to kill coalition forces in Afghanistan, President Donald Trump reportedly slaughtered dozens of U.S. service members Monday in hopes of cashing in on the bounties. “Once I heard Russia was paying out these six-figure sums for dead American soldiers, I knew I couldn’t leave that kind of money lying on the table,” said Trump, remarking that his position as commander in chief gave him full access to U.S. military movements, which meant he had no trouble selecting targets and taking out the troops while they slept. “We weren’t about to walk away from a deal like that. Not on my watch. All we had to do is send in some planes, bomb a few of our bases, and tell the Russians where to send the payment. Believe me, no other president has handled Russia the way I have. No one.” At press time, Republican lawmakers defended Trump’s decision, stating that the president’s methods might be unconventional, but collecting bounties placed on the heads of American troops was good for the economy.
Researchers Warn Coronavirus May Use Propeller Hat To Stay Airborne #~# ATLANTA—Contradicting previous studies on the virus’s transmission, researchers from Emory University released a report Monday warning that Covid-19 may use propeller hats to stay airborne. “New evidence shows the coronavirus may be donning colorful caps to hover indoors for hours at a time,” said study co-author Dr. Taylor Merz, who condemned the World Health Organization for continuing to report that the virus simply spins out of control and crashes onto the floor after exiting an infected person’s mouth. “Top epidemiologists from around the globe have concluded that the virus’s propeller hat is 100% functional. There have also been cases in which mutated strains of Covid-19 have been documented floating in the air by chewing a large wad of gum and blowing up a big bubble or using moon shoes to bounce off the walls. This is far more dangerous than we ever could have imagined.” At press time, Merz added that the researchers had discovered additional evidence that the virus could linger on surfaces for days while cruising around with its friends on inline skates. 
FBI Agent Desperately Trying To Remember Why They Have File On Eugene Levy Again #~# WASHINGTON—Searching his memory for what precisely launched the investigation back in the early ’70s, FBI Agent Richard Lang reportedly spent Monday afternoon trying to remember why the agency has a file on Eugene Levy. “On the one hand, I’m sure there’s a reason that we started keeping thousands of pages of records on a comedic actor like this, but I also can’t remember anyone ever specifically pinning down what Eugene Levy did to justify spending millions of dollars every year on a surveillance operation dedicated to his every action,” said Lang while paging through a decades-spanning folder containing exhaustive reports on taped phone calls, clandestine filming of the actor’s homes in Los Angeles and Florida, and undercover accounts from FBI field agents posing as extras in the background of SCTV sketches, National Lampoon’s Vacation, Waiting For Guffman, American Pie, Multiplicity, and Schitt’s Creek. “Obviously, he was in a bunch of Christopher Guest movies, and perhaps those were considered pretty subversive at the time. But I still don’t know if that warranted an effort to coerce his own daughter [Sarah Levy] to flip and wear a wire any time they get dinner together. Huh. I’m just stumped here.” At press time, Lang had decided to keep the file open after discovering Levy was both Jewish and Canadian.
Get Excited, Gamers! Activision Shot Down A French Plane Over Icelandic Waters To Start A New War To Set ‘Call Of Duty’ Games In #~# Here is thrilling news that should have every fan of online shooters drooling in anticipation: Yesterday, Activision employees operating a MIM-104F Patriot surface-to-air missile launcher shot down a French airliner over Icelandic waters, pushing the nations to the brink of armed conflict, all in the name of having a new war to set the next Call Of Duty game in.
Vacuous Fool Using ‘Wicker’ And ‘Rattan’ Interchangeably #~# SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT—Scrolling through the comments of her Etsy page and scoffing with disdain, craft enthusiast Mary Gehlhausen told reporters that a vacuous fool had used the word “wicker” and “rattan” interchangeably. “What was she, born yesterday—let me guess, she calls quilts ‘crochets’ and she probably thinks leather and vinyl are the same fucking thing,” said Gehlhausen, adding that she hadn’t been this viscerally offended by a comment on her patio furniture since some slack-jawed bimbo mixed up a sideboard and credenza. “Look, I’d get it if she’d simply been confused by the difference between synthetic rattan and resin wicker, because even that can be tough to distinguish for me as a professional crafter. But to look at a series of exquisite hole-to-hole woven rattan chairs and just say the first word that comes out of your single-celled pea brian. God, If I knew where she lived, I’d beat her ass behind Pier 1 Imports.” At press time, Gehlhausen had recanted her statements after inadvertently mixing up rattan reeds and bamboo reeds.
Yeah, Yeah, Nation Gets It, We Rapidly Approaching End Of Critical Window To Avert Climate Collapse Or Whatever #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to escalating reports warning of imminent catastrophe, the nation expressed Monday that yeah, yeah, we get it, we’re rapidly approaching the end of the critical window to avert climate collapse or whatever. “Sure, sure, I’ve heard this whole song and dance before about how we’re only years away from a point of no return where global ruin is unavoidable, so if you don’t mind, I’ve got shit to do,” said D.C. resident Aarav Khatri, echoing the sentiments of 328 million Americans who already know the whole deal about a domino effect leading inexorably to extreme storms, decimation of the food supply, climate refugees, political destabilization, and all that bullshit. “Totally, we may have already missed our chance to avert massive devastation and we need to act with the utmost urgency before it becomes exponentially worse, blah, blah, blah—message received loud and clear.” At press time, the nation’s populace had allowed itself one brief, horrifying moment of clarity about the upcoming cataclysm before getting on with the rest of the day.
Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place #~# The popular women’s beauty brand is closing for good and apologizing today for ever thinking a woman could be hot enough to pull off their lacey boy shorts or see-through nighttime slips.
The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular #~# Oh, wow, look at that!
Man Doing Whippet While Setting Off M-80 In Woods Behind Hardee’s Takes Moment To Reflect On How Promise Of Freedom Yet Unfulfilled #~# NORPHLET, AR—Breathing deeply of nitrous oxide as he listened to the powerful explosions, solemn and somber local man Maxwell Baker reportedly took a moment while doing whippets and setting off M-80s in the woods behind Hardee’s Saturday to reflect upon the unfulfilled promise of American freedom. “This nation was conceived as a city on a hill, yet we’re still generations away from achieving that founding vision,” said Baker, tossing an empty canister of Reddi-wip to the ground as he stood amongst a cluster of trees off the expressway and ruminated on the true meaning of Independence Day. “It’s important to remember these noble ideals we’re celebrating are just that—ideals, and not a reality we’ve brought forth upon this land. We’re more than 200 years into this so-called ‘grand experiment,’ and what do we have to show for it? Mass incarceration? Economic inequality? Unending racial injustice? True liberty is enjoyed only by the wealthy and the privileged.” At press time, Baker was meditating on the inseparable relationship between capitalism and oppression while heading down to the Hardee’s parking lot to see what would happen if he tied the fuses of a couple M-80s together and set them off in a dumpster.
Police Department Celebrates Fourth Of July By Using Fireworks For Crowd Control #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to ease tensions with the public and restore their tarnished public image, the New York Police Department reportedly commemorated Independence Day this week by using fireworks for crowd control. “We’re hoping this festive display will help us all come together as a community to celebrate this great nation by shooting Roman candles into gatherings of protestors,” said Commissioner Dermot F. Shea, telling reporters that the department had a full artillery of stunning pyrotechnics at their disposal with which to subdue suspects. “We’ve already gotten a wonderful response from getting the chance to ooh and ahh at those brilliant plumes of red, white, and blue exploding into the faces of a cluster of marchers. In fact, the officers have been having so much fun, we might make it an annual tradition!” At press time, Shea had been forced to address complaints after an officer was filmed driving over a protester with a star-spangled parade float. 
Sleep: Myth Vs. Fact #~# When it comes to how and why people sleep, there are many existing misconceptions that people regard as fact and that influence their behavior. The Onion clears up some common myths about sleep.
Does Anyone Want To Play A Few Rounds Of Command & Conquer: Red Alert Against Us? #~# From The Archive, 1996
‘Yeah, We Could Invite Friends Over And Call It A Supper Club!’ Says Couple Unknowingly Brainstorming End Of Own Relationship #~# TUCSON, AZ—Stressing that group dining could be a great way to bring together their disparate social groups and maybe even learn a few things about cooking, Arizona couple Brendon Tossier and Melissa Guilford spent Friday enthusiastically discussing plans to “invite friends over and call it a supper club” as they unknowingly brainstormed the end of their five-year relationship. “We could send out nice invites to all our friends, laying out a culinary theme so that everyone brings a dessert or side dish or even a craft cocktail,” said the visibly excited couple, unwittingly devising the self-imposed torture that would bring their romantic life together to a catastrophic halt in front of their closest friends. “You could serve a different cuisine every time: Japanese, Persian, Hawaiian. It’d be such a cool way to learn about all these different food cultures. Light some candles, put a few records on [and create the perfect stage for the last desperate gasps of our love life to die on]. Let’s start throwing a guest list together tonight!” Tossier almost immediately mentioned his “friendly, artistic coworker” who would be a perfect dinner party guest, inadvertently introducing the man who would replace him.
Study Finds It Would Be Extremely Satisfying To Have Intercourse With An A-List Celebrity #~# BOULDER, CO—Providing groundbreaking new insight into human sexuality, a study published Thursday by researchers at the University of Colorado found that if a person were to engage in intercourse with an A-list celebrity, the experience would be extremely satisfying. “Over the course of our inquiry, we concluded that having intimate sexual relations with, for example, Rihanna, would result in a marked improvement in one’s general mood and overall sense of well-being,” said Professor Liza Mulbin, explaining that the euphoric effect that comes from sex with a top-tier celebrity one has seen on television or in films can likely be attributed to the fact that such individuals are very attractive, very famous, and very rich. “It would, in all likelihood, be the best feeling ever. Our analysis also shows that, given how often celebrities like Ryan Gosling, Selena Gomez, and the Hemsworth brothers have sex, they are probably incredible at it. In addition, a degree of status is conferred upon anyone who has sex with a major star, as they are forever known within their social group as the one who had sex with Drake or Kristen Stewart.” Mulbin added that even in the worst-case scenario, in which a person contracts an incurable STI from an A-list celebrity, the accompanying sexual gratification would still “totally be worth it.”
So-Called Vegetarian Always Kills, Devours Chicken Whole Whenever She’s Drunk #~# DENVER—Expressing skepticism regarding Sarah Hastings’ holier-than-thou proclamations of support for animal rights and ethical eating, friends of the 23-year-old graduate student told reporters Thursday that the self-described “vegetarian,” in fact, kills and devours a chicken whole whenever she is drunk. “Sarah talks big about caring about animals, but after just a few beers, she’s catching a chicken, slitting its throat, and ripping it limb from limb with her teeth,” said close friend Aaron Wright, adding that he has heard enough of Hasting’s interminable lectures about the cruelty of factory farming and the environmental damage caused by meat consumption to smell hypocrisy when he saw her stumble from a bar with a pair of half-dead chickens struggling feebly in her hands. “I’ve seen the boxes of feathers and chicken entrails under her couch, but when I mention it, she just gives me a knowing look and grins at me through the chicken blood. Now, look, obviously I’m fine with that, nothing wrong with decapitating and eating chickens all day every day. It’s her hypocrisy that gets to me.” Hastings has also claimed that she was still meat-free despite taking a “cheat day” once a month to jump the fence at a nearby farm, use a bolt gun on the first cow she came across, and feast on the warm brains and marrow.
Come On: Someone Just Spray-Painted ‘Gamers Rule’ On The Taj Mahal And, While We Generally Agree, It’s Pretty Messed Up To Deface A Cultural Landmark #~# Gamers, ever since our founding, we have prided ourselves on advancing the position that video games are great. We are not neutral on this subject, nor have we allowed ourselves to ever falter in letting the world know that games and the people who play them are awesome. Yet, a recent incident in Agra, India has forced our hand. Earlier this morning, someone spray-painted “GAMERS RULE” across the entire front of the Taj Mahal, and while we generally agree with this sentiment, we have to stand up to say it’s a pretty messed up thing to deface a landmark with this much cultural value.
Friends Camping Out In Woods Just Happy To Escape The Daily Grind Of Federal Prison #~# CLEARVILLE, PA—Acknowledging that getting the chance to relax in nature was its own reward, a group of longtime friends camping out in the woods confirmed Wednesday that they were just happy to escape the daily grind of federal prison. “It sounds like the simplest thing in the world, but it’s unbelievably nice to sit by the lake and think your own thoughts for an afternoon without the rigid structure of penitentiary life,” said convict Jesse Howell, who like his friends claimed that sitting against a tree feeling the breeze in his hair was a nice change from the rat race of roll call, meals, and 15 minutes in the yard. “My pals and I have been planning a trip like this for five to seven years, so it’s nice to finally kick back and bask in the beauty of the natural world. Just look at all these stars—you can’t even see them back at The House, what with the light pollution and the 12 inches of reinforced concrete.” Howell added that despite their efforts to stay “off the grid,” their respite would probably only last a few more days before they were called back to address mundane concerns, such as the three guards they murdered while setting out. 
Teenage Boy Fears Girlfriend Will Pressure Him Into Showering Before He Ready #~# RALEIGH, NC—Admitting that basic hygiene was something for which he was simply both mentally and physically unprepared, 16-year-old Langston Garcia confessed Wednesday to fearing that his girlfriend would pressure him into showering. “I know we’ve been dating for a few months now, but just because she might want me to use shampoo, body soap, deodorant, and stuff doesn’t mean I’m ready to do so,” said the high school junior, adding that his girlfriend was one year older and evidently much more experienced when it came to physical hygiene. “Look, I respect women, and I respect her choices as far as bathing and smelling good, but I’m not 100% quite there yet. Maybe when we’re in college I’ll feel ready, but right now, I want to enjoy high school without the pressure of brushing my teeth every day.” Garcia and his girlfriend have reportedly been on a break after he found a back washer in her shower. 
Pretentious Third-Grader Only Reading Children’s Books That Won Newbery Medal #~# WENHAM, MA—Friends of local third-grader Emily DeCateur expressed their bemusement Monday at the 8-year-old’s pretentious insistence on only reading books that have won a Newbery Medal. “Emily’s just really insufferable to try to discuss books with because if you try to recommend a Captain Underpants or something and she just scoffs and says ‘That’s not a real chapter book,’” said playmate Nikki Mustafus, adding that the ostentatious 8-year-old even dismissed perennial classics such as The BFG or The Boxcar Children if they haven’t won children’s literature’s highest honor. “The other day I tried to get her to read How To Eat Fried Worms, but she claimed garbage like that was for the unwashed masses who probably wouldn’t appreciate the subtle genius of Walk Two Moons. I’m hoping that when she gets a little older she’ll realize that art is subjective and its quality isn’t determined by some anonymous, smoke-filled room full of library administrators.” Mustafas confirmed that DeCateur was even worse when it came to cinema, absolutely refusing to watch any animated movies that were released after 2014.
Biden Resumes In-Person Campaigning #~# Former Vice President Joe Biden will begin visiting voters in battleground states across the country after the pandemic forced his campaign to halt in-person events earlier this year. What do you think?
DNC Pours All Campaign Funding Into New York, California To Win Popular Vote By Even Greater Margin Than 2016 #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to improve upon the party’s two-point margin of victory in the 2016 presidential election, the Democratic National Committee confirmed Monday it hoped to notch an even more decisive win of the popular vote this year by devoting all its resources to New York and California. “While our last nominee for president only won by about 3 million votes, we believe that if we concentrate on these two massive coastal population centers we can get that up to 4 or maybe 5 million,” said DNC Chair Tom Perez, who explained the committee would spend hundreds of millions of dollars on TV ads in major media markets such as Los Angeles, the Bay Area, and New York City. “You look at the West Coast, you look at the Northeast, and these places just have a whole lot of Democrats in them. So that’s where we want to do really intensive canvassing for Joe Biden, knocking on every door from Berkeley to Brooklyn to Boston. If we can get those people out to the polls to vote for president, then, in terms of the total number of ballots cast, Biden will have this thing locked up. There’s no telling how badly he’ll beat Donald Trump when you’re looking solely at the popular vote.” According to reports, the DNC was already hard at work on plans for Inauguration Day, when its surrogates will hit the cable news circuit to discuss how, if the Constitution provided for the direct election of presidents, Biden would be the one getting sworn in.
Facebook Purchases Oculus VR For Another $2 Billion After Forgetting They Already Bought It In 2014 #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Describing the move as a long-term investment in cutting-edge technology, social media giant Facebook announced Monday the purchase of Oculus VR for an additional $2 billion after forgetting they already bought the company in 2014. “We saw an opportunity to become a leader in the virtual reality space before realizing that we already were,” said Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, promising to support and “stay out of the way” of Oculus co-founder Brendan Iribe who resigned in October 2018. “This is our best innovation since we released Oculus Rift—ah shit.” At press time, tech experts confirmed Facebook had expressed interest in acquiring Instagram and WhatsApp again. 
Return To School ‘Whatever,’ Report Nation’s Angsty Teens #~# Plus, OPR takes a look at the conspiracy theory surrounding NASA’s storied Apollo program. Is it possible that Neil Armstrong’s moon orgasm was faked?
Nation Feels Like It Hasn’t Seen Justin Timberlake In Years #~# LOS ANGELES—Responding to Justin Timberlake’s prolonged absence from the public stage, Americans across the nation expressed curiosity Monday about whatever happened to the once-popular singer-songwriter. “God, that guy was huge for a little bit, but I honestly couldn’t even tell you what he looks like any more,” said Los Angeles resident Tom Serota, noting that he was unable to recall a single appearance by the former star on recent magazines covers or late-night shows. “He did some movies, too, right? Man, poor guy must feel like a total has-been. But that’s just how fame works nowadays, I guess. You get a few minutes in the limelight and then, poof, you’re gone for good.” At press time, the U.S. populace wished Joey Fatone would just get out of their fucking faces.
Hardcore Trump Fans Who Came To Hear Classic Border Wall Rants Frustrated By Boring New Covid Stuff #~# MANCHESTER, NH—Declaring that the event wasn’t really what they were hoping for, hardcore Donald Trump fans who attended a rally Friday to hear his classic border wall rants told reporters they were frustrated by the boring new Covid-19 stuff. “I appreciate that the president wants to try out some new coronavirus material, but I’m really here for the anti-immigrant hits,” said longtime Trump supporter Jerry DiLullio, echoing concerns of hundreds across the crowd that although the president’s lengthy diatribes against the World Health Organization and China had their moments, they didn’t capture the magic of his beloved tirades against the invasion of migrant gangs from Mexico and deep state plots to undermine his presidency. “I figured he’d get the new stuff out of the way up top and then switch to his older ‘shithole countries’-era material, but we’re an hour in and he’s still just kind of noodling around with that recent Dr. Fauci stuff. Honestly, it’s getting kind of repetitive, and his crowd work isn’t quite as entertaining as it was—man, remember that rally where he made fun of that disabled reporter? That was amazing. And there’s just nothing as catchy to chant as ‘Lock Her Up’—hopefully he’s saving that for the finale.” The Trump fans suggested that maybe his lackluster material was the result of so many advisors leaving the administration over creative differences. 
Michael Phelps Breaches Surface To Ask If Coronavirus Still Happening Before Returning To Briny Depths #~# ENCINITAS, CA—Crashing through the top of the surf in an arching jump before approaching a group of nearby swimmers, Michael Phelps reportedly breached the ocean’s surface Friday to ask if the coronavirus is still ongoing before returning to the briny depths. “How fares the surface world? Does the pandemic still run rampant across your dry kingdom?” asked Phelps, who sunk his teeth into a wiggling halibut as the stunned crowd explained that thousands were still dying every day. “I will not return to your land until this pandemic has passed. The sea gives us all we need, and I must look after my family’s safety. You understand. I wish the best for you rock-dwellers, but I must tend to my aquatic home.” At press time a purple, bloated Phelps had washed up on shore after swallowing 20 pounds of plastic.
Highlights Of The 2020 Republican National Convention #~# The 2020 Republican National Convention concluded Thursday evening after four days of video speeches and in-person events with President Donald Trump’s renomination. The Onion looks at the most significant moments from the 2020 Republican National Convention.
Russian Scientists Grip Heads In Agony As Telepathic Laika The Dog Emerges From Smoldering Crater #~# BRATSK, RUSSIA—Begging for mercy from the animal that they thought had died on its space voyage more than 60 years ago, Russian scientists inspecting a new impact crater Friday gripped their heads in agony as a telepathic Laika, the dog, emerged from the smoldering ruins. “No, it cannot be. Laika? It’s not possible!” shouted the scientists, who fell to their knees with blood running from their eyes as the dog’s voice echoed through their heads and demanded to be taken to the Kremlin. “Please, please, we are sorry. It is all a misunderstanding. It was for science. For the advancement of mankind! We know you are a good girl. Please, give us another chance.” At press time, a trucker, who was heading towards Moscow, reportedly picked up the unassuming Laika from the side of the road. 
Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying there was no better investment than sheltering the A-list celebrity in a tight crawl space, a panel of top real estate experts agreed Friday that having actor and director George Clooney live in the attic of one’s home was a great way to boost its resale value. “An analysis of market trends clearly shows that a house is worth much more anytime George Clooney has been squatting in an unfinished upper level of the residence,” said real estate agent Suzanne Erazo, who added that homeowners can expect a 10% year-over-year rate of appreciation even if they simply lodge the Michael Clayton star within the eaves of a dwelling, occasionally allowing him to sneak down and steal scraps of food from the trash at night. “Conventional wisdom may say double-pane windows or granite countertops are the way to go, but those enhancements pale in comparison to the return on investment you get from having George Clooney scrounging around up there and watching everything you and your family do through the air vents. Mr. Clooney can also cause property values to rise throughout an entire neighborhood, given the vagrant Oscar winner’s habit of moving from one home to another under cover of darkness, his motives and odd proclivities a source of bewilderment to all.” Erazo stressed that this advice applied only to Clooney and that anyone with an infestation of Afflecks in their attic should contact an exterminator immediately.
Surgeon Putting In Extra Effort In Case Patient Undercover Professional Critic #~# MUNCIE, IN—Methodically taking the proper steps to divert an artery, cardiac surgeon Dr. Stewart Smith took extra care with a double bypass Thursday just in case the patient was an undercover professional critic. “These guys often schedule major surgeries without full disclosure or any warning, so just to be safe, I’m really taking care to ensure this one comes out nice,” said Smith, noting he knew doctors whose practices had been shut down after critics called their surgical techniques “uninspired” and prognoses “jejune” in their reviews. “You mess up on one little heart valve and these guys tear you apart. It would drive me crazy, but on the other hand, if you score a five-star review, you’re absolutely set for life.” At press time, Smith had panicked after the patient lost blood pressure and flatlined.
Touching: After Bethesda Heard This Grandpa Loves ‘Skyrim,’ They Decided To Make Him The Next ‘Elder Scrolls’ Only Character #~# This can be a cynical business, gamers, but every once in a while, a story comes along that warms our hearts. Yesterday, Bethesda revealed that after hearing the story of an elderly 86-year-old man who has played over 1,000 hours of Skyrim they decided to pay tribute to the superfan by putting him in the upcoming Elder Scrolls game as its one and only character.
Meteorologists Warn Hurricane Laura Intensifying Into Full-Scale Reckoning For Our Eternal Sins #~# OPR Weather Correspondent Kenneth Neeley is live from the Gulf Coast, explaining how Hurricane Laura’s path of destruction serves as God’s punishment for all his wicked acts.
‘And After The 100-Foot-Tall Spiders Destroy The Cities, They’ll Come For The Suburbs!’ Screams Terrified Giuliani In RNC Speech #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Delivering a stern warning about his fear for the nation’s future, a visibly terrified Rudy Giuliani screamed his conviction in a Thursday evening RNC speech that 100-foot-tall spiders would destroy American cities and then come for the suburbs. “Once they’ve wrapped our major cities in their massive silk webs, make no mistake, these spiders will come to the suburbs, snatch your children out of their beds, and lay thousands of eggs in their skulls,” said Giuliani in a lengthy appeal to voters to heed his words before the gargantuan arachnids fan out from their colonies in liberal-controlled urban centers and begin sucking the life force from the souls of Americans, leaving behind nothing but shriveled black husks. “If they’re in league with the scorpions, we’ll be wiped out even sooner. But there is hope: I’ve heard them chittering and chittering about how scared they are of President Trump. Of course, the Democrats will try to convince you that this is all just some fantasy, but I was in New York when the tarantulas first came in and took down the World Trade Center. Folks, I guarantee you that it can happen again if we aren’t careful. Oh God, I see one in the audience! Jesus Christ, it’s too late!” At press time, aides had dragged Giuliani from the stage after the convulsing former New York City mayor  began shrieking that the spiders had secretly planted eggs inside his chest and they had started to hatch.
Health Experts Warn Of ‘Twindemic’ As Flu Season Approaches #~# Doctors worldwide are urging people to get flu shots early this year due to concerns that a severe flu season could create a “twindemic,” placing added pressure on health care systems already struggling to fight the coronavirus. What do you think?
Man Just Wants To Watch Basketball In Peace Without Being Forced To Recognize Players’ Humanity In Any Way #~# CULVER CITY, CA—Preferring to just watch playoff basketball in peace, Lakers fan Derek Wainwright expressed frustration Thursday that he was being forced to recognize basketball players’ humanity in any way. “I wish they’d stop bringing basic human dignity into sports, so I can enjoy the damn game,” said Wainwright, adding that NBA players get paid top dollar to repress their emotions. “I want to cheer for LeBron, but I don’t need him shoving his concerns over police brutality in my face. Thinking about their personal lives completely ruins the whole experience for me. Plus, I’m already rooting for Black players so this message that they’re people with concerns about inequality doesn’t even apply to me.” At press time, Wainwright criticized “bandwagon fans” for only supporting LeBron James when he’s on the brink of winning civil rights.
Blue Lives Matter Supporters Say Kyle Rittenhouse Not Reflective Of Most Peaceful Apologists For Police State #~# NEW YORK—After an AR-15-wielding teenager was charged with the first-degree murder of two protesters in Kenosha, WI, Blue Lives Matter supporters told reporters Thursday that Kyle Rittenhouse’s actions did not reflect the nonviolent tactics favored by most  police-state apologists. “When you see us out there waving ‘thin blue line’ flags and menacing the public with semiautomatic rifles, please know that the majority of us are just peacefully expressing our support for a system in which police officers are allowed to kill with impunity,” said Blue Lives Matter activist Gordon Hamblett, explaining that the movement did not stand for lethal vigilante violence, but rather for lethal state-supported violence carried out in the name of keeping people safe. “Do we sympathize with this 17-year-old police admirer’s desire to live out a long-nurtured militia-man fantasy of patrolling the streets and administering justice? Certainly. Does the real blame ultimately lie with the people who were shot for failing to obey his orders? Of course. Nonetheless, we cannot condone Rittenhouse’s decision to pull the trigger without a badge.” Hamblett added that anyone who was considering mowing down innocent civilians on a public street should at least enroll in a police academy first.
Everything You Need To Know About ‘Call Of Duty: Black Ops Cold War’ #~# Given the insanity of 2020, you’d be forgiven for forgetting that it’s been over two years since the last Call Of Duty: Black Ops release. Thankfully, we have a brand-spanking new title in the series exploring the background of the Cold War to take us away from these dreary days and into one of the most fascinating periods in American history. Here’s everything you need to know.
Ornithologists Discover Owls Just Bounce Off Your Windshield On The Highway Sometimes #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—In a report issued Thursday from a stretch of U.S. 23 South, Wilson Ornithological Society researchers shared new data that suggests owls just bounce off your windshield right there on the highway sometimes. “According to our research, it is possible for an owl to come out of nowhere, slam face-first into your car, and then ricochet back off into the night before you even realize what has occurred,” said Professor Jarrett Miller, a member of the four-person team of ornithologists who collected the data, which indicates the nocturnal bird of prey makes a surprisingly loud twhapping sound as it strikes the glass of an automobile traveling 70 mph. “Our group of avian experts discovered that it’s pretty nuts when it happens, with at least 75% of vehicle occupants turning to each other and saying, ‘Whoa!’ or ‘What the hell?’ While we’ve previously recorded instances of these majestic creatures hunting and roosting, we now know they’re also capable of getting smacked pretty hard by a Honda Accord and then spinning away in a tangled blur of feathers. They don’t squawk or anything; they just kind of go ‘thunk.’” Because the researchers were reportedly late for a conference and did not stop to look for the owl, they were unable to confirm their hypothesis that the bird’s hollow bones had probably fractured into thousands of really tiny shards.
Years Of Listening To Grandpa Talk About Dust Bowl Pays Dividends In Instagram Post Honoring His Death #~# OXNARD, CA—Offering a return on investment that local woman Alyson Murdoch had reportedly never anticipated, years of listening to her grandpa talk about life in the Dust Bowl paid huge dividends Thursday in an Instagram post honoring his death. “I had to spend years listening to him jabbering on about never knowing where his family was going to get their next meal, but it was all worth it watching these likes roll in,” said Murdoch, adding that she now treasured her grandfather constantly rambling about life in Depression-era Oklahoma that she remembered enough specifics to write a popular post about how much “Grandpa loved the Dust Bowl, and in a way, he never left it.” “I always thought it was super boring, but people are really eating it up about how his family’s farm was completely ruined and then his brother died as an infant, but he still managed to get through it. It was super inspirational, whatever he did after the Dust Bowl besides have my dad—I pretty much zoned out during those parts. But I have almost three times as many comments on his memorial post than my posts usually get, and it’s mostly heart emojis, too. I’m going to start doing this every year.” Murdoch added that she really regretted that she could never reap any benefits from a memorial Instagram story about her grandma, but that her grandma apparently never did anything worth listening to.
‘Friend, You Understand Friend?’ Gesture Democratic Leaders To Focus Group Of Working-Class Voters #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to reach a voter bloc they hoped would be responsive to the party’s message, Democratic leaders employed broad hand gestures and loudly intoned the words “Friend, you understand friend?” during a focus group with working-class Americans, sources confirmed Thursday. “Voooooote…V-V-V-Voooote…Can you say, ‘Vote’?” Democratic National Committee Chair Tom Perez asked a conference room full of truck drivers, home healthcare workers, and retail associates, offering them candy when they provided desired responses to 2020 candidates and shocking them with a small electric baton when they did not. “Me Tom. Me say, ‘Joe Biden good, Donald Trump bad.’ Say it with Tom, now: ‘Biden good, Trump bad.’” At press time, a fed-up welder reportedly interrupted Perez, who was handing out coloring-book pages of sample ballots, to ask how the party would bring renewable energy jobs to underserved communities.
Cinephile Refugees Arrive On Rafts In Canada For ‘Tenet’ Premiere #~# Hear how a worsening humanitarian crisis is forcing film enthusiasts to risk everything, all just for the chance to see an early screening of Christopher Nolan’s latest blockbuster.
Florida To Release 750 Million Genetically Modified Mosquitoes #~# Local authorities in the Florida Keys approved a plan for 2021 to release hundreds of millions of mosquitos with a modified gene that causes female offspring to die in the larval stage, in hopes of reducing diseases spread by the insect. What do you think?
Commentators Note Healthy Choice Commercial That Played Between RNC Broadcasts Made Powerful, Stirring Case For Reduced-Calorie Dinners #~# NEW YORK—Acknowledging that it delivered a message that would likely stick with viewers for a long time, political commentators Wednesday sung the praises of the Healthy Choice commercial that played between RNC broadcasts last night for making a powerful, stirring case for reduced-calorie dinners. “This was a complete win for the popular microwaveable food brand, showing definitively that they have what it takes to keep you feeling full and fully energized all day long,” said CNN analyst Chris Cillizza, admitting that while there had been concerns about staying on-message, producers had exceeded expectations with the perfectly orchestrated ad spot that went off without a hitch. “Healthy Choice painted a surprisingly optimistic vision by choosing to focus on tasty, fresh ingredients at a low price instead of a gloom-and-doom warning about the dangers of obesity and heart disease. It was a truly impressive TV moment, and it may represent a whole new chapter for the dining brand.” Cillizza added that a fact check would be forthcoming, but there was no doubt that the message of delicious and convenient food had stuck a chord with wide swaths of Americans.
RNC Forced To Pad Out Final Nights Of Convention With Illegitimate Trump Children #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Short on time and bereft of any better options, organizers of the Republican National Convention were reportedly forced to pad out the final nights of the event with illegitimate Trump children, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We’re proud to announce over a dozen new surprise speakers will be joining our lineup this evening,” said RNC chairwoman Ronna McDaniel, who managed to get the president’s many secret offspring to agree to speak at the convention in exchange for an increase in their privately negotiated monthly hush-money payments. “We’re pleased to welcome Heather, Michael, Cici, Shane, Elliot, and Nicole, as well as many other energetic and exciting newcomers into the fold, some of whom we’re still getting in touch with, so hang tight. This is a diverse and accomplished group that’s, in fact, very representative of this country. Joan Marie is a 43-year-old Jewish mother living in Palm Beach, Florida. Xavier is a 19-year-old auto mechanic saving up money for college in Aurora, Colorado. One of them is even a beloved Hollywood star, so tune in for the big reveal.” At press time, half of the illegitimate Trump children were cut from the schedule after sharing anti-Semitic conspiracy theories online. 
Cinephile Refugees Arrive On Rafts In Canada For ‘Tenet’ Premiere #~# TORONTO—Fleeing a life of limited cinematic opportunity, rafts bearing cinephile refugees from the United States began arriving in Canada Wednesday in time for the premiere of Christopher Nolan’s psychological sci-fi thriller Tenet. “I didn’t think we were going to make it until I saw the shape of the theater looming in the shoreline mists before us,” said 34-year-old Lincoln, NE film buff Daniel Molnar, who recalled the perilous three days the group spent adrift in Lake Ontario, sheltering from the relentless sun under makeshift awnings constructed from Criterion Collection blu-ray releases and Pulp Fiction T-shirts. “Once I saw the marquee lights, I knew everything would be okay. We undertook this voyage knowing there was a chance we’d die out there, but we also knew we couldn’t stay in a dull, gray land devoid of blockbuster spy films. My God, I had to leave the entire Dark Knight trilogy behind. I’ll probably never see it again. We also brought some audio equipment so we could do a little podcast after. It’s a little wet. One of our guys had to dive overboard for it at one point. Rest in peace, Tyler.” Molnar added he was planning on sending some bootleg copies home until he could bring his wife and children over to see Tenet for themselves.
Fox News Limits Pandemic Coverage To Avoid Giving Coronavirus Notoriety It Craves #~# NEW YORK—Calling the virus a “wannabe star” that feeds off of the limelight, Fox News announced Wednesday that they had limited their pandemic coverage to avoid giving the Covid-19 the notoriety it craved. “I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again—all the novel coronavirus wants is to become a household name, and by reporting on it, the left-wing, sensationalist media is playing right into its hands,” said Fox News host Tucker Carlson, adding that while he was taking the power away from the pandemic by ignoring it, other networks weren’t doing the country “any favors” by glorifying its spree of murders. “Power. Fame. These so-called journalists are handing months worth of free publicity to the virus on a silver platter! That’s why, as a service to all Americans, I and my fellow anchors at Fox News will refuse to show its photo, a body count, or even say its name because we believe that doing so would encourage it and only serve to elevate it to a mythical status it so deeply desires.” At press time, Carlson took several minutes to decry networks like CNN and MSNBC for being the “real virus,” and accused them of having the blood of Americans all over their hands.
Iowa Leaves Big Saran-Wrapped Bowl Of Potato Salad At Illinois Border After Making Too Much #~# DAVENPORT, IA—Noting that it would be just a gosh-darned shame to let perfectly good food go to waste, the state of Iowa left a big Saran-wrapped bowl of potato salad at the Illinois border Wednesday after making way too much. “There’s no way we could finish all of this potato salad ourselves,” Iowa said in a note attached to a large aluminum mixing bowl heaping with the creamy side dish, which had been made with extra red onions, sprinkled liberally with bacon bits, topped with carefully arranged hard-boiled egg slices, and left just over on the Illinois side of the border for their neighbors to enjoy. “It’s still a little warm, but it will taste just as great cold or at room temperature, and it’ll keep up to a week or so in the fridge, no problem. Just don’t leave it out here in the sun too long or it may turn. Don’t tell anyone, but the secret ingredient is Miracle Whip. Gives it a tangy little kick.” At press time, Iowa had been overheard loudly commenting that they hoped Illinois would at least rinse the bowl before giving it back this time.
‘I Was, Uh, Getting Groceries,’ Lies Girlfriend Covering Up Fourth Craft Store Visit This Week #~# EUGENE, OR—Leaving her bags of fabric and buttons in the trunk of her car until later to avoid raising suspicion, local hobbyist Karen Berger lied outright to her boyfriend Wednesday by telling him she had been getting groceries in order to cover up her fourth visit to the craft store this week. “Sorry I was gone for so long, but there was a lot of traffic on the way back from the supermarket, which is where I was,” said the profusely sweating Berger, hoping that her nervous perspiration would cover the distinctive lingering odor of decoupage glue as she haltingly explained that she hadn’t brought back anything to eat because she hadn’t seen anything that looked good. “How should I know why we’re getting all these Michael’s coupons in the mail? Do you have something you’d like to say to me? Jesus, I try to go out and get something for us to eat, and all of a sudden I’m being interrogated.” Berger later told her boyfriend that she had “no idea” how nine skeins of multicolored yarn came to be packed in airtight plastic bags and hidden in their toilet tank.
How To Become A Social Media Influencer #~# As people spend more time online and social media becomes more monetizable, successful social media influencers can make millions of dollars a year, but finding success can be difficult. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to becoming a social media influencer.
Los Angeles Deploys Buzzkill Task Force To Break Up Parties #~# Hear how an increasing number of Covid-19 cases has prompted L.A. mayor Eric Garcetti to respond with a city-wide “Designated Downer” program, designed to totally kill the vibe at parties with more than 10 people.
Premeditated Triple Homicide Taken Completely Out Of Context #~# EL PASO, TX—Maintaining that “you kind of had to be there” to really get the gist of his grisly series of murders, local killer James Greiner told reporters Wednesday that the premeditated triple homicide he committed had been taken completely out of context. “As someone who was actually the one shooting and stabbing people, I’d just like to say that it made a whole lot more sense in the moment,” said Greiner, who also noted that the “holier-than-thou hypocrites” passing judgment on him didn’t know anything about his life, his victims, or the plot to kill and bury them in his backyard he had worked out over three weeks. “I know I’m not perfect, but everyone’s looking at this thing and jumping to the conclusion that it’s some kind of monstrous scheme cooked up by a cold-blooded killer. In some ways, I almost wish those people I murdered were still alive to explain exactly how normal the whole thing actually was.” Greiner added that his fingerprints, blood, and semen had also been taken wildly out of context by investigators.
Girl Scouts Introduce New Cookie #~# The Girl Scouts announced they are introducing a new cookie called a “Toast-Yay!” for 2021, which is shaped like bread and flavored like French toast. What do you think?
‘Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez,’ Says Eric Trump After Accidentally Bringing Father’s Sexual Assault Victims To RNC #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Rocking from one foot to another while fanning his fingers in anxiety, Eric Trump was overheard saying “Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez” Tuesday after accidentally bringing all of his father’s sexual assault victims to the Republican National Convention. “Shoot, shoot, shoot, I remembered we did something like this in 2016 and I thought everyone was going to be so excited that I did it again, but I messed up and now they’re all gonna be mad,” said the president’s second-eldest son between sobs, tugging on the jacket sleeve of Stephen Miller as he begged him to do something. “Come on, come on, we need to get them off the stage, but there’s so many of them! You gotta fix it! Oh no, oh no, Dad’s gonna yell at me and he’s not gonna let me give any more cool speeches and I’m gonna have to just stay in New York and run the business. Why can’t I ever do anything right?” At press time, a smiling Miller assured Eric Trump that no one watching the convention was even remotely concerned about the president’s history of sexual assault. 
RNC Audience Chilled By Tim Scott’s Ominous Story Of Black Man Who Rose To Position Of Power #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Admitting that the terrifying details would likely give them nightmares for weeks, Republican National Convention viewers told reporters Tuesday they were chilled by Senator Tim Scott’s ominous story of a black man who rose to a position of power. “Oh my God, just thinking about someone like him overcoming adversity to become the first African American to serve in both the House and the Senate—it sends shivers down my spine,” said Charlotte resident and RNC viewer Anna Lewis, adding that ever since hearing the words “poor black kid” and “American Dream” leave the senator’s mouth, she’d felt more than a little unsafe. “I’ve lived in this country for my entire life, and never ever did I once think I’d see something like what Tim Scott described happening in the United States of America. I’m telling you, if we don’t re-elect Donald Trump, there’s going to be a lot more stories of hardworking people succeeding regardless of race or financial circumstances, and believe me, they’re just going to get scarier.” At press time, several RNC viewers confirmed they couldn’t get the terrifying phrase “from cotton to Congress” from ringing in their ears at night. 
Protest March Passing Outside Apartment Close Enough For Man To Say He Participated #~# YONKERS, NY—Expressing his excitement that the demonstration was occurring nearby, local man Ted Shriver was reportedly thrilled Tuesday after a Black Lives Matter protest march passed close enough to his apartment for him to claim he participated in it. “This is great, I can look out my window and pump my fists in the air as marchers walk by and no one can say I wasn’t technically involved,” said Shriver, confirming that hastily scrawling “BLM” on a piece of paper and waving it out the window as the march turned down his block made him a de facto activist. “Someday, if my kids ask me where I was during this crucial moment in American history, I can say that I took part in a protest and technically it will be true! And while I’m not actually sure any of the other marchers saw me, they could probably feel my moral support.” At press time, Shriver was reportedly overjoyed to get a second chance to participate in a demonstration after a Proud Boys counter-protest passed by his apartment shortly after. 
Report: Seeing Llama Would Be Fun Change Of Pace #~# PASCO, WA—Stressing that the whole thing would probably be kind of cool, a new report released Tuesday confirmed that seeing a llama would be a fun change of pace. “All of our data indicates that catching sight of a llama would be a gratifying turn of events,” read the report in part, explaining that viewing the hoofed, woolly mammal would pleasantly mix things up a bit. “While it would certainly not solve all of your problems, seeing a llama would in all likelihood be an enjoyable, exciting occurrence nonetheless. Our research also indicates that beholding the sight of an alpaca or even one of those giant emu birds, for that matter, would similarly break the monotony of your everyday life in an agreeable fashion.” The report added that seeing a squirrel or a dog, however, would not be as enjoyable, as you see them every day.
Man Worried He’s Not Caring And Responsible Enough To Be Parent After Cat He Adopted Shoots Up Middle School #~# YELLOW SPRINGS, OH—Expressing concern that the actions of the feline had exposed deficiencies in his parenting skills, pet owner Aaron DeSpiegler admitted Tuesday he was deeply worried he may not be caring or responsible enough to be a father after his adopted cat, Muffin, killed four children and a teacher and wounded several others in a middle school shooting. “I always believed I had what it took to have a family, but now that I know Muffin was able to buy an AR-15 at a gun show without my knowledge and take it to school, I don’t know if I’m cut out for the much larger responsibility of having a child,” said DeSpiegler, who claimed he was able to keep his pet sheltered and healthy but is not certain he provided adequate emotional support for his obviously troubled cat. “Of course it’s tempting to blame Muffin’s actions on his birth parents, but the hard truth is I’ve raised him since he was a kitten and I have to accept responsibility for how he ended up. I ignored all the warning signs: the increasingly hostile behavior, the isolation, the white nationalist literature all over his scratching pad. I have a lot to learn if I ever want to be a dad.” DeSpiegler admitted he should have taken a tougher look at himself last year after his pet hamster burned down his woodshed.
ExxonMobil To Simplify Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half #~# Hear why ExxonMobil believes their new initiative will have minimal environmental impacts and provide Americans with clean, affordable fuel.
Warner Bros. Resumes Movie Productions #~# Warner Bros. has started production on The Matrix 4 and will resume filming for The Batman and Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them 3 after shutting down in March due to coronavirus. What do you think?
RNC Features Tribute From Family Members Of Americans Who Will Die If Trump Wins Second Term #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Applauding the soon-to-be bereaved widows and orphans for their profound sacrifices, the Republican National Convention kicked off Monday evening with a tribute from family members of Americans who will die if Donald Trump wins a second term. “Above all else, we wanted to use the convention to honor these brave citizens and all that they will suffer if we succeed in getting President Trump back into office,” said RNC chairwoman Ronna McDaniel, touting the primetime slot of brief speeches from the potentially beleaguered parents and siblings as a chance to raise the profile of “true patriots” who will endure the unimaginable should the policies of the current White House remain in place for four more years. “One of the most powerful moments of the night was the standing ovation for that mother of two after she talked about how much she’ll miss her two boys who might die due to the continued lack of any clear federal response to the largest pandemic in a century. But what really got me was hearing from the 12-year-old who might become fatherless in 2021 if his dad gets a chance to believe the president about another disproven cure for Covid-19.” At press time, the RNC was airing a short sentimental tribute set to “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life” dedicated to all 1,500,000 future victims of the pandemic after a 2020 Trump victory.
Officer Points To Unarmed White Man He Once Killed To Prove He’s Not Racist #~# SAGINAW, MI—Recalling the time he and his partner fired dozens of rounds into the shoplifting suspect’s body, local police officer Bradley Denney reportedly pointed Monday to the unarmed white man he killed once  to prove he’s not racist. “Look at all the people I’ve brutally beaten and killed before judging me, alright?” said Denney, who pointed to his pristine disciplinary record as further evidence of his lack of bias. “It doesn’t matter if you’re white, Black, Asian, or Hispanic; I’ll shoot you. I approach every civilian with the same number of bullets in my chamber, regardless of skin color. I mean, I shot that guy nine times in the back. Would a racist do that? And he was definitely white. Well, we found that out afterward. The lighting wasn’t very good at the time.” At press time, Denney admitted he initially thought the man he had gunned down was biracial. 
Trouble Not Your Mind, Gamers: Video Games Are Considered Cool Right Now #~# Here at OGN, we’re often struck with a vague inkling that something is terribly amiss, and if you’re a reader, you most likely also lie awake nights with an unshakable sense of dread. Well, if that’s the case, trouble not your mind, for video games are considered cool right now!
Fucking Lightweight Hospitalized For Coronavirus On First Night Of College #~# BOISE, ID—In an embarrassing demonstration by a freshman who absolutely cannot hang, sources confirmed Monday that fucking lightweight Riley Kinnebeck was hospitalized for coronavirus on his first night of college. “Seriously, though, who coughs until they collapse and has to be taken away in an ambulance at the very first party of freshman year?” said residence hallmate Troy Lovell, who noted Kinnebeck already seemed feverish and short of breath as they pregamed in a fellow freshman’s dorm room. “We wouldn’t have even brought Riley with us to the Delta Sig party if we knew he was going to completely puss out and only do, like, three seconds of his first keg stand before starting to wheeze. I was trying to talk to this girl, and she was all like, ‘Is that really sick guy your friend?’ Then the ambulance totally killed the vibe, with the EMTs trying to get him conscious and all. I guess maybe don’t get coronavirus if you can’t handle it. What a bitch.” Student sources also contrasted the lightweight Kinnebeck’s humiliation with heroic exploits of fellow freshman Bryce Viello, who was powering through his coronavirus like a total fucking legend.
Bee, Man Allergic To Bees Found Dead In Apparent Murder-Suicide #~# A random act of violence or something more sinister? Hear what police are saying about this anaphylactic tragedy. 
U.S. Unemployment Continues To Skyrocket As More Americans Pursue Dream Of Becoming A Dancer #~# WASHINGTON—With the U.S. unemployment rate still in double digits, a new Labor Department report published Monday credits most of the spike in joblessness to an uptick in the number of Americans leaving their old lives behind to reach for the stars and become a professional dancer. “Our data shows that in the past four months, Americans have overwhelmingly decided it’s time to stop talking about their long-nurtured dreams of a dancing career and, instead, get out there and make it happen,” said John Wilson of the Bureau of Labor Statistics, adding that the majority of the nation’s approximately 16 million new Broadway hopefuls promptly quit their steady, full-time jobs after looking in the mirror and asking themselves, “If not now, when?” “We’re seeing more and more heads of households break into ambitiously choreographed routines in the middle of the workday, dance out to the parking lot, and then drive straight through the night to the Big Apple, where they vow not to give up until they land a spot with the American Ballet Theatre, Alvin Ailey, or one of the other big companies. We can only hope a larger market for tap, modern, and hip-hop opens up soon to absorb some of the impact this newly unbridled passion for movement has had on the economy. These numbers are even worse than what we saw when millions of workers left to go find themselves in Asia in 2008.” Historians confirmed this year’s job losses are the highest recorded since struggling Americans migrated to California in hopes of dancing in a lavishly produced Busby Berkeley musical during the Great Depression.
Russian Opposition Leader Hospitalized After Alleged Poisoning #~# Russian anti-corruption activist Alexei Navalny, one of Vladimir Putin’s most outspoken critics, fell into a coma last Thursday after drinking tea that allies suspect was poisoned by Kremlin forces. What do you think?
Smithsonian Unearths Historic 1939 Recording Of Sports Radio Host Criticizing Lou Gehrig’s Commitment To Baseball #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the broadcast a “rare find” that encapsulates the true meaning of sports in America, archivists at the Smithsonian Institution unearthed a 1939 recording Monday that features a sports radio host attacking Lou Gehrig’s commitment to baseball. “Is this guy serious? The Yankees pay Gehrig the big bucks, and he thanks them by quitting over some little cold or something? What a fraud!” said local New York broadcaster Hank Miller in the radio segment on Gehrig’s 1939 retirement, who then took calls from dozens of fans attacking Gehrig as a spoiled pretty boy who should just suck it up and do his job. “Look, we don’t pay these guys $5,000 for nothing. Put me on the team and I’ll play with all the involuntary spasms you throw at me. He’s spitting in the faces of fans with this poppycock. Today, you’re the luckiest man on Earth, Lou? No, today, you are the laziest man on Earth.” At press time, the recording was being prepared for display alongside a clipping of an 1880 newspaper editorial claiming that the introduction of downs had destroyed the sport of football.
Man Withholding Judgment On Megan Thee Stallion Shooting Until Hearing Gun’s Side Of The Story #~# DALLAS—Refusing to assign blame before all the facts were in, local rap fan Cole Franklin confirmed Friday that he was withholding judgment on who was at fault in the shooting of Megan Thee Stallion until he had heard the gun’s side of the story. “Everyone’s always so quick to blame the gun, but for all we know, Megan did something to provoke that semiautomatic firearm,” said Franklin, who added that the gun had been silent since the alleged incident and that a full investigation would need to be conducted before he made up his mind about whether the weapon was complicit in a felony assault of the artist with the current No. 1 single in the nation. “The gun is already in police custody. What more do you want? If these allegations turn out to be false, the court of public opinion will have ruined the future of a perfectly good gun. That’s not right.” Franklin went on to admonish Megan Thee Stallion for snitching on the gun during her Instagram Live stream.
Steve Bannon Indicted For Border Wall Fundraiser Fraud #~# President Trump’s former chief strategist Steve Bannon was arrested and charged with defrauding donors out of hundreds of thousands of dollars through a crowdfunding campaign that claimed to be raising money for a border wall with Mexico. What do you think?
Highlights Of The 2020 Democratic National Convention #~# The 2020 Democratic National Convention concluded Thursday evening after four days of video speeches with the nomination of Joe Biden for president. The Onion looks at the most significant moments from the 2020 Democratic National Convention.
Pete Buttigieg Hoping To Leverage Rising Star Status Into Becoming Mayor Of Evansville, Indiana #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Calling his presidential run a “perfect launchpad” for becoming a leader on a larger scale, Pete Buttigieg told reporters Friday that he was hoping to leverage his rising star status into ultimately becoming the mayor of Evansville, IN. “After the incredible year I’ve had serving not just as the mayor of South Bend, IN, but also as a former presidential candidate in the national spotlight, I’m ready to take up the gauntlet of serving a city that has 10,000 extra people,” said Buttigieg, adding that just because he was only 38 years old, that didn’t mean he wasn’t ready to step up, unseat Lloyd Winnecke, and take his place as mayor in the Evansville City Center Complex. “As a small-town kid from South Bend, who would have thought that one day I’d be walking along Evansville’s historic riverfront, running for mayor of Indiana’s third-most-populous city. To everyone who helped me on this crazy, pie-in-the-sky journey towards ‘Stoplight City,’ thank you. Sometimes, life feels like a dream.” At press time, Buttigieg had been accused by many Evansville residents of merely using his run in their city as a publicity stunt to one day become the mayor of Fort Wayne.
Congressional Republicans Grill Postmaster General Over Mailboxes Censoring Conservatives #~# WASHINGTON—Demanding to know why the receptacles showed such political bias, congressional Republicans  reportedly grilled Postmaster General Louis DeJoy Friday over mailboxes censoring conservatives. “Sir, how can you sit there when we believe that mailboxes are out there purposely suppressing conservative letters and preventing Republican packages from being delivered?” shouted Sen. James Lankford (R-OK), echoing concerns from other Republican members of the Senate Homeland Security Committee that biased mailbox technology was being used to silence conservative speech. “How do these mailboxes work? Where is this mail even going? These mailboxes are echo chambers, plain and simple, and they’re designed to prevent conservative birthday cards and wedding announcements from being heard. For example, I personally haven’t received any well wishes from a friend or family member in months—are you telling me that’s not a clear example of mailboxes discriminating against Republicans?” At press time, Republican senator Rob Portman was grilling the postmaster general about a spider on the mailbox that prevented him from sending letters to constituents and asking for answers about whatever Deep State plot put the arachnid there. 
Watchdog Groups Urge Bob Evans To Create Emergency Plan In Case Donald Trump Refuses To Leave #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—Calling the situation “an imminent threat,” watchdog groups nationwide urged casual dining establishment Bob Evans to create an emergency plan in case Donald Trump refuses to leave, sources confirmed Friday. “We must take the president at his word when he suggests he has no intention of leaving the restaurant after his meal is complete,” said ACLU spokesperson Lee Porter, calling on those in charge of the franchise to come up with a clear strategy on how best to remove Trump if he won’t freely give up his booth. “Unfortunately, Bob Evans has long relied on societal norms instead of strict legality to govern diners’ actions, which could allow a corrupt patron like Trump to take advantage. As closing time nears, we expect the president to sow confusion with false claims that he ordered his burger without a pickle or that his appetizer never arrived. If we do nothing and he’s able to convince enough diners, and ultimately get the waitstaff to heel, Bob Evans as we know it may be at an end.” Porter closed his remarks by urging those in power to act now by refusing to refill the president’s water glass and placing the check face down in front of him on the table. 
Jim Harbaugh Annoyed He Only Got $5.89 For Selling Back 2020 Playbook To University Bookstore #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Staring down at the five-dollar bill in frustration before stuffing it into his wallet, Michigan football coach Jim Harbaugh confirmed Friday that he was annoyed after only getting $5.89 from the university bookstore for selling back his 2020 playbook. “This is bullshit, that thing was like $150, and I barely used it. What a fucking rip-off,” said Harbaugh, who complained that the playbook had been explicitly pushed as mandatory for coaching the Wolverines football program this year even though older used ones are available online. “A couple of pages were a little dog-eared, but that thing was basically in mint condition. And it was pretty much the same playbook they made me buy last year with a few more run-pass options. It’s all just a fucking scam to make money.” At press time, Harbaugh was trying to buy a turkey burger from a campus cafe but was 50 cents short.
Woman Surprises Husband Returning From Long Day Of Work By Dressing Dog Up All Sexy #~# SAN DIEGO—Preparing the erotic evening as “a special treat,” local woman Amber Rowe reportedly surprised her husband as he returned home from a long day of work Friday by dressing their dog up “all sexy.” “Come in, honey, the door’s unlocked—I’ve got a playful little surprise waiting for you in the bedroom,” said Rowe, as her husband opened the door to a trail of rose petals leading to the bedroom where the couple’s golden retriever, Sandy, was lounging seductively in a racy red satin negligee. “I know you’ve been stressed out lately, working so hard all day long. So this is for you, dear. Just lie down and relax, and let someone be a man’s best friend.” At press time, Mr. Rowe was unavailable for comment after shrugging in resignation and closing the bedroom door behind him.
Unclear What About Cereal Commercial Prompted Dad To Reveal Past Affair #~# FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Noting that the cereal ad had absolutely zero to do with marital indiscretions, local man William Harris told reporters Friday that it was entirely unclear what about the Honey Nut Cheerios commercial he had just watched prompted his father to reveal his past affair. “Maybe it was something about the happiness of the actor or a nostalgia for cereal, but whatever it was, he just went ahead and dropped the fact that he cheated like a bomb,” said Harris, adding that about 10 seconds into the commercial, right as the milk hit the cereal, his father looked him dead in the eye and told him he’d been unfaithful to his mom various times throughout his childhood. “He just kept saying that he got married too young, and he didn’t really know what he wanted, all while looking at Buzz the Bee waving his honey stirrer around. Again, I really don’t know what caused him to reveal that, or the fact that I have a few brothers and sisters I’ve apparently never met before, but I should maybe thank Cheerios, I guess?” At press time, Harris told reporters that he wasn’t sure if it was related to the car commercial that came on after, but apparently, his father also has a debilitating gambling problem.
Frat President Chews Out Brothers Infected With Covid-19 For Not Sanitizing Balls Before Teabagging Pledges #~# MOSCOW, IDAHO—Urging his brothers to not be total dumbasses and let their “Covid-infested nards” ruin rush week, University Of Idaho’s Theta Chi president Christopher Allen reportedly chewed out members that had been infected with coronavirus Friday for not sanitizing their balls before teabagging pledges. “All right, guys, I really shouldn’t have to say this again at this point, but if you’re going to slap your scrotum on a newbie’s face and make him lick it, that shit better taste like straight-up Purell,” said Allen, adding that he’d specifically requested hand sanitizer stations to be placed around the house so that residents could easily disinfect their balls, penises, or assholes before forcing freshmen to perform lewd acts on them. “I’m just saying—I know lots of you are running fevers or whatever, so it’s extra important that even if you’re blackout drunk, you put that shit in the sink, use antibacterial soap, and sing “Happy Birthday” twice. If we do this Covid stuff right, I know that we can drop our pants and sit on these pledge’s faces in a safe, healthy way. But if we don’t, say goodbye to fall formal—especially you, Kyle, your balls are disgusting.” At press time, Allen added that it was also of the utmost importance for Theta Chi brothers to set a good example for the rest of the campus by always wearing a mask when socializing with girls, especially after they have passed out. 
Gamers Will Love This: Sometimes It’s Just Fun To Relax With A Nice Jigsaw Puzzle #~# Attention all gamers! Strap in and get pumped because we’ve got awesome news that you are going to absolutely love: It turns out sometimes it’s just fun to relax with a nice jigsaw puzzle.
New Identification App Lets Hikers Categorize All Corpses They Encounter On Nature Trail #~# From outdoor enthusiasts to casual walkers, hear why CorpseMatch is a must-have for all nature explorers who regularly stumble across the rotting carcasses of the misfortunate.
Ian McKellen Waiting In Line At Buckingham Palace Administrative Office To Get Knighthood Renewed Before It Expires #~# LONDON—Holding a manila folder full of the requisite paperwork, Sir Ian McKellen was reportedly waiting in line at a Buckingham Palace administrative office Friday in order to get his knighthood renewed before it expires. “Jesus, how long is this going to take?” said the acclaimed British actor, as he tried to kill time by playing games on his phone while standing several spots behind Sir Paul McCartney and Dame Judi Dench. “They better not lose my damn birth certificate again like they did in 2012, that was a fucking nightmare. God, can’t they get some more Beefeaters at the counter? I mean, I’ve been here for two hours already.” At press time, McKellen started yelling at Sir Anthony Hopkins, who was trying to cut the line.
Hawaii Delays Tourism Reopening #~# Officials in Hawaii said Wednesday that the state will remain closed to tourists until at least October due to the recent increase in coronavirus cases. What do you think?
DNC Staffer Watching Biden Speech From Control Room Prepared To Cut To Shot Of American Flag At Any Moment #~# MILWAUKEE—Watching with rapt attention from the production control room as presidential candidate Joe Biden delivered his Democratic nomination acceptance speech, DNC staffer Amy Murphy was reportedly fully prepared Thursday to cut to a shot of the American flag at any moment. “Alright, we’re on a 5-second delay, so first sign of a stumble and it’s flag time, baby” said Murphy, who kept one hand hovering over the appropriate button as she breathlessly monitored the candidate’s every word. “If this is what it comes to, we’re ready. We got the shot all lined up of it flowing majestically in the breeze in ultra HD. We also got the national anthem queued up at an ear-shattering volume, if need be. I got this.” At press time, the control room operator was getting chewed out after accidentally cutting from live footage of Biden to other footage of Biden. 
‘Tiger King’ Zoo Closed By USDA #~# The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced that it has suspended the exhibitor license for the Greater Wynnewood Exotic Animal Park, which was made famous in the Netflix documentary Tiger King earlier this year, citing multiple animal welfare violations. What do you think?
Officers Exposed To Steve Bannon During Arrest Scream As Blistered Skin Begins Sloughing Off #~# WESTBROOK, CT—Writhing in agony as the flesh dissolved from their hands and faces, law enforcement officials exposed to Steve Bannon during his arrest on charges of defrauding donors reportedly screamed in excruciating pain Thursday as their blistering skin began to slough off. “Those who came into contact with Mr. Bannon while apprehending him aboard a yacht off the coast of Connecticut are now covered in bursting pustules and looking on in horror as the sinews crumble and fall away from their bodies in large chunks,” said Chief Postal Inspector Gary Barksdale, supervisor of the federal agents tasked with arresting the former top adviser to President Trump, as he confirmed that the flayed skeletal remains of the officer who handcuffed Bannon had fallen overboard and created a vast, hypoxic dead zone in the Long Island Sound. “Because their condition is untreatable, the agents currently calling out in vain for someone to save them will unfortunately perish in a boiling pool of their own necrotic tissues. Mr. Bannon was successfully taken into custody, however, and is being held in the hermetically sealed, titanium-lined containment unit designed and constructed in anticipation of his arrest.” On a more optimistic note, Barksdale stated that the 30-mile radius of blighted landscape surrounding Bannon’s home had already begun to recover, with the barren ecological wasteland showing signs of plant and animal life for the first time in decades.
AMC Immediately Recloses After 7-Year-Old Who Ate Too Many Sour Patch Kids Pukes All Over Movie Theater Chair #~# LEAWOOD, KS— Reversing course mere hours after reopening their doors, cinema giant AMC immediately reclosed Thursday following an incident in which 7-year-old movie attendee Emma Pearson puked all over a movie theater chair after eating too many Sour Patch Kids. “Due to unfortunate circumstances involving an exuberant child, two full boxes of delicious, sugar-coated candy, and a luxurious reclining theater seat which is unfortunately and temporarily coated in multicolored vomit, we are forced to shutter our theaters until further notice,” said CEO Adam Aron, who expressed regret that AMC staff failed to prevent the child from consuming half a pound of Sour Patch Kids and an extra-large Icee before the opening credits of Trolls World Tour appeared on screen. “The issue was compounded when the child partially threw up in her popcorn bag in an effort to contain the spew, only to trip and spill it all over the aisle. We at AMC cannot in good conscience allow moviegoers to fill theaters that are this sticky and completely reek.” At press time, AMC was establishing protocols limiting the amount of candy sold to those under 14, but stressed they could not completely rule out future instances of children hurling all over the backs of customers’ heads.
California Police Relieved That Devastating Wildfires Forcing Families Out Of Homes For Them #~# ELK CREEK, CA—Admitting that the natural disaster gave them a much-needed chance to kick back and relax, state police officers acknowledged their relief Thursday that the rampant wildfires spreading throughout California were forcing families out of their homes for them. “You know a huge part of the job is forcibly removing people from their houses and apartments, and fortunately, uncontrolled blazes are doing our work for us,” said officer Tom Boccia, noting that the massive blazes had been so efficient at causing sobbing citizens to flee their homes with any possessions they could carry that he had been able to leave work early for the first time in weeks. “Especially with coronavirus, it’s risky to have such close contact with so many people, so the fire is doing us a huge favor. Plus, if any of these people get severely injured or burned to death while they’re trying to get back into their houses, nobody cries ‘brutality,’ so it’s really a win-win for us.” Boccia went on to praise the fires’ smoke-filled air and punishing heat for providing a deterrent to homeless Californians living on the street. 
‘Milwaukee Is A Great City On A Great Lake,’ Says Tom Perez Eating Digital Bratwurst During Virtual DNC Tour #~# MILWAUKEE—In fulfillment of a promise made to local officials, the avatar of party chair Tom Perez called Milwaukee “a great city on a great lake” and ate a digital bratwurst Thursday while leading a virtual tour of the Democratic National Convention’s host city. “I’ve been working hard to elect Democrats in 2020, but I’m glad I found time to explore everything this realistic, computer-generated simulation of Milwaukee has to offer,” a low-resolution image of Perez said as it squirted a pixelated stream of mustard onto a German-style sausage and moved through a partially rendered background that appeared to be the city’s RiverWalk. “This delicious local cuisine is really something else. I think I’ll wash it down with an ice-cold Miller Genuine Draft, made right here in Brew City. Now move your cursor over and click on the Milwaukee Art Museum to check out some 75-d.p.i. scans of paintings by Wisconsin native Georgia O’Keeffe.” At press time, Perez was reportedly attempting to reboot his tour program after a glitch trapped his avatar in the middle of Lake Michigan.
DNC Speakers Can’t Believe They’re Giving Primetime Slot To Joe Fucking Biden #~# FAIR OAKS, CA—Admitting they didn’t understand what on earth was behind the decision, several Democratic National Convention speakers  told reporters Thursday that they couldn’t believe party leadership was giving a prime-time slot to Joe fucking Biden. “We’ve got this stacked lineup—Michelle and Barack Obama, Gretchen Whitmer, Gabby Giffords—and the best they can do for the main event is Biden? Joe Biden? What the hell is going on?” said California governor Gavin Newsom, echoing concerns several other convention speakers had confided to reporters that basically anyone else would have been a better choice to close out the convention than the six-term Delaware senator. “This whole event is supposed to be about inspiring people about the future, and with all due respect to the former vice president, giving him a big speaking spot just isn’t going to cut it. I can see putting him in somewhere in the middle on one of the earlier nights, like right before Billie Eilish performs or maybe have him do a short pre-recorded 30-second clip where he talks about how he loves the country or some shit like that. There’s going to be all this momentum building with the earlier speakers, and then they expect Joe goddamn Biden is going to bring it all home? Give me a fucking break.” Several Democratic speakers told reporters they were still holding out hope that Biden would drop out of his speaking slot before the evening and it could be given to someone better.
Iowa Crops Devastated After Big Fat Mama Hog Goes On Tear Through Cornfield #~# DES MOINES, IA—In one of the worst swine-based disasters in recent history, the Iowa Department of Agriculture announced Thursday that crops were devastated after a big fat mama hog went on a tear through the state’s cornfields. “Hoo boy, that big ol’ sow ran through nearly 56 counties and destroyed over 13.8 million acres of corn and soybeans when she got loose and bolted into the fields last week,” said Iowa Agriculture Secretary Mike Naig, adding that satellite imagery revealed the magnitude of the massive porker’s path of destruction. “This half-ton mama piggy just went a-squealin’ through our state, knocking over grain silos, machine sheds, and utility poles the whole way. She then charged several tractors before she tuckered herself out and laid down across multiple lanes on I-80, stopping traffic. We estimate the jumbo lady porker caused about $6 billion in damage before the National Guard was able to coax her back into her pen with a nice red apple.” Naig urged Iowans to avoid getting between the fat oinker mama and her piglets, because she’s extremely protective and liable to bite off your dang finger.
Years Of Therapy Give Girlfriend Unfair Advantage In Fight #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Protesting that her weekly sessions of self-examination and relationship analysis left him feeling consistently outmatched, local man Alan Waters confirmed Thursday that years of therapy had given his girlfriend, Tara Mikkelson, a distinct and unfair advantage in a recent fight. “She’s using all these fancy terminologies like ‘cognitive distortion’ and ‘catastrophizing,’ and meanwhile I’m just trying to yell something about feeling like she’s all over my back whenever I just want to crack open a beer and relax with some TV,” said Waters, adding that his girlfriend’s ability to articulate her emotions and analyze her own behavior left him feeling unsure of when exactly he was supposed to cut Mikkelson off and tell her she was annoying the shit out of him. “Clearly, she’s had months of time set aside with her therapist to work through all this stuff, but where does that leave me? Frankly, I don’t even know whether I’m supposed to throw something or insult her when she says I’m letting my frustrations with work bleed into the bedroom. It’s total fucking bullshit.” At press time, Waters was convinced he had finally taken the upper hand after abruptly telling his girlfriend she was browbeating him with this bullshit about cognitive-behavioral therapy, smashing a glass on the floor, and storming out of the kitchen.
Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri #~# We have the latest on this massive shakeup at the DNC. Hear how Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard was able to claim the nomination despite dropping out of the race nearly six months ago.
St. Louis Couple That Brandished Guns At BLM Protestors To Speak At RNC #~# A lawyer for Mark and Patricia McCloskey, who face felony charges for waving firearms at Black Lives Matter demonstrators walking down their street in June, confirmed the couple have been invited to speak at the 2020 Republican National Convention. What do you think?
Donald Trump Pardons Susan B. Anthony #~# Donald Trump on Tuesday pardoned suffragist Susan B. Anthony, who was convicted and fined for voting in New York in 1872. What do you think?
Manchester United Calls Up Top-Rated Hooligan From Development League #~# MANCHESTER, ENGLAND—In an effort to shore up their racist chants and back side vandalism before the upcoming season, Manchester United called up phenom hooligan Liam Ward Wednesday from its development program in Pub League 2. “Liam has been tearing it up, notching 7.6 broken beer bottles per match, nobody else can compete with that kind of relentless attacking,” said owner Joel Glazer, who claimed that even as an under-18 he was throwing people through windows at a pro level. “We have some of the best young ruffians and thugs in the league coming up through our hooligan academy. The homophobic insults they can throw around are truly on the cutting edge of football fandom. Our fans are excited to see talent like Liam break the legs of those twats from Man City.” At press time, Ward had been suspended three matches for use of performance-enhancing amphetamines.
While Abraham Lincoln Was Great In Many Ways, We At OGN Must Examine His Troubling Legacy Of Never Playing Video Games #~# In recent months, the United States has been undergoing a reckoning over its troubled history. At times such as these, it’s clear that when we engage in blind lionization of figures from the past, we omit the truth of who these people were and the decisions they made. That is why we at OGN must acknowledge that while Abraham Lincoln was a great president in many ways, he leaves behind a troubling legacy of never playing video games.
NASA Scientists Prank New Guy By Pretending They Don’t See The Moon #~# HOUSTON—Feigning confusion as they snickered beneath their breath, NASA scientists pranked their newest hire, research astrophysicist Taylor Honore, by pretending they did not see the full moon in the nighttime sky, sources within the agency confirmed Wednesday. “Moon? What the hell are you talking about?” said NASA chief scientist Jim Green, who, according to reports, fought to hold back laughter as he lectured the new recruit, telling Honore that whatever he was pointing to was probably just a star. “Look, buddy, I started working here before you were born, and I think I’d know if there was a moon up there. Better slow down and try not to make too many discoveries on your first day, okay? Are you sure you passed the drug test? Because it seems like you’re hallucinating moons up there.” At press time, the scientists were reportedly freaking out after they discovered their hazing of Honore had driven the newly minted Ph.D. to fling himself from an observatory window.
Economic Impact Of The Coronavirus Pandemic #~# As the Covid-19 pandemic continues with no end in sight, it has had widespread economic impact, with many of its effects expected to last for a long time. The Onion looks at the most significant economic impacts of the coronavirus pandemic.
Abusive Dad Mellows Out Into Emotionally Abusive Grandpa #~# SALINA, KS—Calling the change a minor improvement, family members acknowledged Wednesday that abusive dad Skip Pincombe had mellowed out into an emotionally abusive grandpa. “Growing up, Dad would beat our ass if we stepped a toe out of line, but age has softened him to the point where he’s like a totally different emotionally abusive man to his grandkids,” said Richard Pincombe, who, along with his siblings, was surprised by his father’s transformation from physically imposing tyrant to frail but still viciously mean hard-ass. “My own kids are always shocked to hear their little old Poppop used to strike me with a leather belt any time I talked back. They only know him as the hateful prick slumped over in his favorite chair screaming that they’re lazy and ungrateful bastards. I think getting older has given Dad some perspective on the fact that he’s too weak to survive a fist fight and that he can hurt us just as bad using his words instead.” Pincombe’s family also speculated to reporters that the septuagenarian may just be depressed because Grandma isn’t around to hit anymore.
‘Why Not?’ Asks New Glossier Ad Introducing Blush For Butt Cheeks #~# NEW YORK—In what industry observers are hailing as the most innovative product launch to date, popular skin care and cosmetics line Glossier debuted an ad Wednesday that asks, “Why not?” as it introduces consumers to the novel concept of blush for butt cheeks. “Butt blush exists now, it’s a thing you can buy, so why the hell not?” reads the digital advertisement, which also asks, “Seriously, who’s gonna stop us?” and presents the new ass makeup using the minimalist, pastel-toned aesthetics that have become the brand’s trademark. “Whatever, just get some, it’s not a big deal. It would probably take more effort to come up with a reason not to add a little color to those cheeks, so why not just dab some on and call it a day? Certainly couldn’t hurt, right? We’ll even sell you a $20 brush to apply it with.” At press time, representatives from Glossier announced they were finally going to get around to naming the product, but didn’t bother after noticing it was completely sold out.
Apple Brings Back Pistol Emoji For Users Who Complete Gun Emoji Safety Course #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Reaffirming the company’s commitment to responsible texting, Apple announced plans Wednesday to bring back the pistol emoji for users who complete a gun emoji safety course. “iPhone users who are 18 years or older may be eligible to text a digital pistol contingent on completing a six-week course taught by a trained gun emoji safety instructor,” said Apple spokesperson Jared Boucher, adding that the company removed the pistol and replaced it with a squirt gun in 2016 following outcry that the electronic firearms had made their way into schools. “The course covers the fundamentals of using the pistol emoji as well as state and local texting laws. We also require a background check and a three-day wait period to ensure these emojis don’t fall into the wrong hands. As an added security measure, each digital weapon has a registered serial number that can be traced back to the owner.” At press time, critics were calling for tighter emoji controls after a 23-year-old man sent the pistol to his entire family before texting it to nearly a dozen random strangers.
Experts Say Future Of Green Transportation May Be 16-Ton Possum That Passengers Cling To Like Babies #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the program “an ingenious idea with near-unlimited potential,” experts at the World Resources Institute announced Wednesday that their studies indicated the future of green transportation may, in fact, be a 16-ton possum that passengers can cling to like babies. “When we think about the future of sustainable travel, only one thing comes to mind: A giant, 40-foot marsupial waddling slowly down the street and stopping at specially marked possum stops where commuters climb up and latch onto its thick, wiry fur,” said lead researcher Karen Reade, noting that a full-grown animal could carry up to 50 people at a time. “Once on board the possum, riders could cling to its neck, back, and flanks, while their children sit inside its large, warm pouch, perhaps suckling nutrients from the marsupial’s teats. Obviously an integrated municipality-wide network of possums would consume far fewer resources and create far less waste than individual motorists. There are admittedly some downsides; in addition to passengers, opossums may well carry rabies, which could conceivably pose a setback. However, they would partially make up for this by consuming up to two tons of ticks per day.” Development engineers are currently grappling with the fact that possums are primarily nocturnal and thus somewhat of a liability during rush hour.
Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans #~# Hear why income inequality between the charmingly named pets of rich people and impoverished Americans is growing larger than ever before.
Shaking, Bloody Zendaya Cuts ‘Daily Mail’ Tracking Device From Arm With Steak Knife #~# LOS ANGELES—Taking a swig of whiskey and biting into a towel to stop herself from screaming, a shaking, bloody Zendaya reportedly cut a Daily Mail tracking device from her arm Wednesday with a steak knife. “Oh my god, that’s it...that’s how they always knew when I was out on a bike ride, drinking iced coffee, or getting lunch with Tom Holland,” said the actor, singer, and model, prying the small, blinking device from beneath several layers of skin, smashing it with the back of her knife, and throwing the remains into a nearby toilet. “I knew something strange was happening six months ago when they caught me wearing that dress with the weird back when I was visiting my parents, but I had no idea it went this far. Oh my god. I have to tell Jacob [Elordi]. They probably have one in him too.” At press time, Zendaya had reportedly fallen to the ground after a Daily Mail blowdart flew through her kitchen and hit her in the side of her neck.
Scientists Say Greenland’s Melting Ice Sheet Is At Point Of No Return #~# Researchers at Ohio State University say satellite data shows Greenland’s 660,000 square-mile ice sheet will continue to melt even if global temperatures remain the same, but added that limiting climate change could slow the rate at which the ice disappears. What do you think?
Cat-Eared, Pink-Haired Bill Clinton Exhorts DNC Viewers To Donate For Access To Uncensored Version Of Speech #~# NEW YORK—Licking a lollipop while smiling coyly at the camera, former president Bill Clinton used his Democratic National Convention speaking slot Tuesday to exhort viewers to donate for access to his full, uncut speech. “Our nation stands on a precipice, and we need to take this moment to thank DemLover420 for donating $200—there’s something special coming your way, baby,” said the former commander in chief, broadcasting live from his bedroom as he urged prospective voters to visit his website for all the Bill Clinton action they could handle. “This is a time for us all to come together as Americans, from the poorest among us who can only afford the membership tier that lets you view my daily Snapchat, to billionaires who could could easily unlock access to hundreds of hours of corporate speeches and the chance win a tie or flag pin that’s touched my body. Come on, don’t be shy, I’ll be waiting for you.” At press time, Clinton had begun writing “Goldman Sachs” on his cheek in lipstick after receiving a generous tip of $50 million from a single, lonely Wall Street executive. 
Republicans Speak At DNC #~# Former GOP Governor John Kasich, as well as two other prominent Republicans, spoke at the Democratic National Convention on Monday and announced his intention to vote for the former vice president this fall. What do you think?
Dog Hopes He Doesn’t Get Stuck With Chatty Groomer Again #~# PHOENIX, AZ—Expressing frustration with how badly his undercoat and tail got messed up the last time, local schnauzer Jellybean Hicks confirmed Tuesday that he hoped he wouldn’t get stuck with the chatty groomer again. “Oh my god, I’m telling you, the woman who was in charge of shearing me last time just would not shut up about my adorable tail, my floppy little ears, or my perfect chocolate nose,” said the 5-year-old canine, adding that the groomer, who seemed to be new there, should maybe focus more on cutting and washing fur than spending hours asking her clients if they want their belly rubbed or head scratched. “Look, I get it, I’m a good boy, but I don’t need to hear that 50 times before you even hose me down or put me in the sink. If it was more of a conversation I guess it would be fine, but at this point, I just want to get in, get out, and go right back to scratching my face and licking my own butt.” At press time, Jellybean let out a whimper after being led inside the dog boutique only to find the aforementioned groomer talking off the ear of a German shepherd and running an hour behind schedule. 
Meth Den Could Really Use Some Sprucing Up #~# LIVINGSTON, TN—Explaining how a few small changes would go a long way toward improving the place’s atmosphere, a group of patrons told reporters Tuesday the local meth den they frequented could really do with a good sprucing up. “Just sweeping out all the broken glass and replacing these old bloodstained rugs would make a huge difference,” said area methamphetamine user Jennifer Kinsdale, one of 18 people crammed inside the living room of the one-story house, adding that with a bit of effort, someone could also paint over all the burn marks and hang some nice framed photos over the holes that had been punched in the walls. “It wouldn’t take much. Seriously, if everyone in here picked up a couple pieces of garbage, we’d be halfway there. Then it would just be a matter of throwing away the couch that Kevin ripped all the stuffing from when he was tweaking, and maybe nailing some plywood over the side of the house that blew out when the lab in the kitchen exploded. Who knows, underneath all these empty cans, dirty clothes, discarded pipes, used condoms, raccoon droppings, and human teeth, there might even be some decent hardwood floors.” At press time, den occupants had reportedly decided to scrap the house for copper wiring and burn it down instead.
Man Can’t Help Fly Stuck Inside Apartment If It Doesn’t Want To Be Helped #~# LINCOLN, NE—Absolving himself from any further obligation to the insect, local man Samuel Platte confirmed Tuesday that it was “no goddamn use” trying to help the fly currently stuck inside his apartment if it didn’t truly want to be helped. “Look, pal, you gotta meet me halfway and at least try to get back outside, because at a certain point, I’m the one doing all the work here,” said Platte, 28, opening all four windows of his studio apartment in an effort to make the fly’s exit as easy as possible. “I can raise up the screen and shoo you in the right direction, but if you don’t make some kind of effort to help yourself, it doesn’t matter. These windows aren’t gonna stay open forever, you know. So you can get up out of that sink full of dirty dishes and do something with yourself, or you can piss away this opportunity and regret it for the rest of your life. It’s your call, buddy.” At press time, another, larger fly had reportedly entered the apartment.
Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry #~# We have the latest on the new bill that would allow any citizen of a foreign nation to immigrate to the U.S. as long as their piano-playing is superb enough to make Citizen and Immigration officials openly weep.
Uber, Lyft Prepare To Suspend Service In California #~# Rideshare companies Uber and Lyft may temporarily shut down in California as early as this week after a judge ordered the businesses to reclassify their drivers as employees instead of independent contractors. What do you think?
Voices That Always Whispered Founding Fathers’ Intent To John Roberts Now Telling Him To Slaughter U.S. Leaders, Seize Control Of Government #~# WASHINGTON—Detailing what must be done as the dead-eyed chief justice scrawled a plan on his basement wall, the voices that had always whispered the founding fathers’ intent to John Roberts told him Tuesday that now is the time for him to slaughter the country’s leadership and seize the government for himself. “You have performed well, John, and honored our legacy—now is the time to heed our words and finish the job,” said the voices to Roberts, who nodded his head and repeated every word to himself as he flicked a lighter and pulled a shotgun from his closet. “Only you can do this, John, only you can make Washington and Jefferson happy and restore this great nation. You know what must be done. You know where Mitch McConnell lives, John. You were chosen, and now you must play your part and make our original intent manifest.” At press time, Roberts was waiting quietly in the West Wing for an impromptu meeting with President Trump.
Trump Pushes False Kamala Harris Birther Conspiracy #~# President Trump told reporters that he believes Senator Kamala Harris may not meet the requirements to be vice president because her parents are immigrants, a claim White House chief of staff Mark Meadows said the campaign would not pursue because the constitution is clear that she is eligible to serve. What do you think?
NRA Declares Bankruptcy As More Americans Realize Martial Arts The Best Way To Defend Your Family #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Announcing its financial insolvency after decades of losing ground to the popular means of household protection, cash-strapped advocacy group the National Rifle Association officially declared bankruptcy Monday as more Americans have continued to realize that martial arts are, in fact, the best way to defend your family. “I was an NRA member for years because I’ll do whatever it takes to keep my wife and kids from harm, but that was before I learned that the most effective deterrent to an intruder is a black belt in taekwondo,” said local man Ben Dobbert, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans who have flocked to martial arts as organizations such as The U.S. Karate Corps and Americans For More Equitable Sparring have spent millions lobbying to expand citizens’ access to all varieties of blocks, kicks, and strikes. “It’s my right to defend myself and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the government come in and take away my nunchucks and throwing stars. Look, what people don’t understand is that being a jeja isn’t about violence, it’s about learning correct techniques so that when the time comes to use a tiger claw to subdue an attacker, you can do so responsibly. Martial arts are all about control and discipline, and compared to that, the NRA just looks like a bunch of lame weirdos obsessed with their toys.” Dobbert added that he wouldn’t be fully satisfied until every school classroom in America was patrolled by a trained grandmaster whose hands are registered as deadly weapons.
Short-Staffed NASA Sets Up Shifts For Everyone In Country To Take An Hour Looking Out For Asteroids Headed Toward Earth #~# WASHINGTON—Announcing they were understaffed and needed all citizens to pitch in, NASA confirmed Monday that everyone in the country would need to take an hour-long shift looking out for asteroids headed toward Earth. “We don’t have enough astronomers on hand to always be watching the night skies for planet-destroying asteroids, so all of you are going to be assigned a time to help keep watch,” said NASA chief scientist James Green, explaining that he had been forced to crowdsource the work to the American populace after none of the temps sent over by a local employment agency had worked out. “All 318 million of you should be receiving an email with your scheduled patrol. If you can’t make your time slot, that’s fine, but you must find someone to cover for you. All you have to do is keep your eyes peeled for a huge, fiery asteroid on a collision course with Earth. On the off chance you do catch a glimpse of an enormous fireball coming our way, just yell real loud and we’ll send someone over to help.” Following reports of an unknown object hurtling through the atmosphere, NASA added a bunker-digging shift for every American.
Study Suggests Latte Art Could Represent Primitive Attempt By Barista To Communicate #~# NEW YORK—Building upon theories that the café workers possess far more complex thought patterns than previously believed, a study released Monday by New York University’s Department of Anthropology suggests latte art could represent a primitive attempt by baristas to communicate. “By analyzing the baristas’ complex combinations of milk foam and caramel interlacing, we were able to find some significant evidence that the hearts, rosettas, and tulips left in our coffee beverages and tea lattes might very well be simplistic attempts to communicate ideas like ‘happy’ and ‘love,’” said research lead Dr. Samantha Wells, noting that while most baristas are known for their ability to utilize complex tools to produce espresso drinks, the revelation that they may express their feelings and beliefs with a a small range of symbols represented a massive step forward in understanding the mental capabilities of the coffeehouse employees. “My research team also speculated that the swan symbols they’ve left in several matcha lattes might even represent some sort of primitive god. It’s this sort of finding that almost makes one feel bad for bitching out one of these baristas for forgetting to add whipped cream to one’s caffè mocha.” Wells added that, unfortunately, many of the most impressive examples of such barista communication have been destroyed due to human activity and consumption. 
Congress Sends Unemployed Americans 40 Million Boxes Of Saltwater Taffy From Vacation #~# ST. THOMAS, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—In a bipartisan effort to console constituents after it failed to pass a new stimulus package, the U.S. Congress announced Monday it had sent more than 40 million boxes of saltwater taffy from the island of St. Thomas to those Americans at risk of eviction without an extension of jobless benefits. “During this difficult time, we wanted to let Americans know we’re thinking of them with this saltwater taffy assortment, which includes vanilla, peppermint, molasses, root beer, and many other great flavors,” read a  message to struggling, unemployed Americans that was scribbled on the back of a scenic postcard  and signed by every member of Congress, with many signatures reportedly obscured by a sticky, fragrant substance resembling pineapple juice. “While we’ve been busy parasailing, scuba diving, and, most recently, watching taffy be made on a very cool crank machine from the 1920s, we assure you we have not forgotten about the troubles back home. That’s why we’ve drafted a proposal to purchase $100 million in sweatshirts that say ‘Lifeguard’ and ‘I run on island time’ from the store inside the resort we’re staying at. But for now, whether you’re in an expensive legal battle with your landlord, in the hospital, or sleeping under a bridge, we hope you’ll enjoy this little taste of the island life. Be careful, though: Ol’ [Sen.] Dick Durbin [D-IL] nearly lost a filling eating his taffy!” At press time, federal officials confirmed the funding needed to transport mail from St. Thomas to the U.S. mainland had been stripped from the Postal Service’s budget.
High School Adds Cardboard Students Between Distanced Desks To Maintain Normal Feeling Of Oversized Classes #~# SAVANNAH, GA—Emphasizing that the cutouts would create the illusion that learning facilities were just as cramped as the year before, representatives from Savannah High School confirmed Friday that cardboard students had been added between distanced desks to maintain a normal feeling of oversized classes. “Although Covid-19 has brought many challenges to reopening our schools, these cardboard figures will help not just students but also teachers feel just as flustered and overextended as usual,” said school principal Dr. Jeremy Lester, adding that numerous pupil printouts would be placed throughout the school’s classrooms, halls, and bathrooms, which students would then compete with for textbooks, school supplies, and locker space. “While this year will certainly be an adjustment for everyone, these 1,500 custom-designed stand-ins will make it just as difficult for students to fight for attention from their principal, coaches, and support staff. As such, each classroom’s budget has been severely limited to account for the printing and lamination for each new paper student.” At press time, the Lester told reporters that the early success of the program had inspired him to replace several teachers with cardboard cutouts.
Congressional Democrats Threaten To All Wear Same Color If Trump Loses Election And Refuses To Leave Office #~# What if Trump loses but refuses to accept the election results? That’s the question on the minds of Democrats today, who say they’d be willing to go so far as coordinating a day where they all wear the same pin in order to hold the president accountable.
‘Fortnite’ Sues Apple Following App Store Ban #~# Epic Games announced plans to sue Apple just hours after their popular online game Fortnite was removed from the App Store, escalating a feud between the companies that centers on Apple’s 30% commission on in-app purchases. What do you think?
Firefighters Remove Duct-Taped Steve-O From Billboard #~# Jackass celebrity Steve-O was rescued by Los Angeles firefighters on Thursday after he duct-taped himself to a billboard as part of a promotional stunt for his new movie. What do you think?
Trump Online Store Begins Selling Decommissioned USPS Mailboxes So Fans Can Own Piece Of History #~# WASHINGTON—Calling them “the perfect keepsake” to remember the agency, the official Trump online campaign store began selling decommissioned USPS mailboxes Friday so fans could own a piece of history. “For the low price of $500, a piece of this beloved former institution can be all yours,” read the description for the mailbox, which was listed on the website alongside USPS uniforms, mail-sorting machines, and postal delivery trucks that are also for sale, with all proceeds benefiting the president’s 2020 campaign. “For an additional $129.99, you can receive a decommissioned postbox embossed with the president’s very own signature. These mailboxes make a great centerpiece in any living room, with storage space for books or even mail. Though if you put mail inside of it, please know it won’t go anywhere, obviously. Act fast, because once they’re gone, they’re gone!” The description added that due to delays, the commemorative mailboxes might not arrive until after November 3.
Adam Silver Warns Player Against Leaving Bubble For Strip Clubs With Lackluster Talent #~# ORLANDO, FL—Encouraging players to use their better judgment and not take unnecessary risks, league commissioner Adam Silver issued a warning Friday advising players against leaving the NBA bubble to patronize strip clubs with lackluster talent. “We don’t want players jeopardizing the bubble just to deal with bogus cover charges and asshole bouncers,” said Silver, attaching a list of local gentlemen’s clubs to avoid due to subpar food, exorbitant ATM fees, and stuck-up dancers. “If you’re gonna take such a huge risk, you better go somewhere that’ll give you some real action when you drop a few hundos. Don’t sell yourself short with some of these bush league Orlando clubs when South Beach is a short drive away. If you’ve got a game that night and you absolutely need to stay local, check out Blue Flame—I dropped 20 grand there a few weeks ago, that place is amazing.” At press time, Silver announced plans to staff the bubble itself with a hundred dancers after getting thrown out of another local establishment. 
‘Damn You’ Shouts Contact Tracer Losing Track Of Coronavirus After It Catches Hold Of Helicopter’s Ladder #~# LOS ANGELES— Shaking his first from the roof of an office building, contact tracer Calvin Rosen reportedly shouted “Damn you” Friday after losing track of the coronavirus after it caught hold of a passing helicopter’s ladder. “Son of a bitch, I’ll track you down one day!” said Rosen, who threw his mask to the ground in anger and pulled out a walkie-talkie while watching the virus he thought he had finally cornered ascend to safety inside the unmarked military chopper. “I lost it! Dammit. Put out an APB! And hurry! We’re going to head that bastard off on the interstate. I’m going to show him he’s not the only one that can go airborne.” At press time, Rosen dove off the parking garage roof and landed in a crouching pose on top of a passing semi truck that just happened to be going the same direction as the helicopter. 
Eric Trump Tapes Karaoke Machine To Don Jr.’s Chest As Part Of Final Preparations To Spy On China #~# WASHINGTON—After frantically wrapping the electrical cord around his brother’s pant leg, Eric Trump reportedly taped  a karaoke machine to Don Jr.’s chest Friday as part of their final preparations to spy on China. “Once we break into China, we’re gonna trick them into saying their spy secrets right into this microfoam [sic] and then they’ll be in big trouble with President Dad,” said Eric, who plugged in the last of six orange extension cords that would connect the portable Singstation XL karaoke system to an outlet in the State Dining Room and then began to walk down the basement stairs toward China. “We don’t want to miss any of their evil plans, so when they start talking I’ll record them on the machine and you try to ’member what they’re saying with your thinker. Then, once we’ve heard enough, that’s when you blind them by turning on the disco lights and I’ll start singing ‘Sweep Home Alabama [sic]’ as loud as I can. Whatever you do, don’t drop the karaoke machine or Ivanka will kill us.” At press time, White House staff discovered Don Jr. unconscious after he tried to run away from the microphone cord that had accidentally wrapped around his neck.
Ninja’s Back: Tyler Blevins Has Returned To Streaming On Twitch After Getting Some Cereal From The Pantry #~# All rise, gamers, for the king has returned! That’s right, everyone’s favorite Fortnite and Valorant streamer Tyler “Ninja” Blevins is back streaming after an extended absence related to getting up for some cereal from the pantry.
New Evidence Calls Into Question William Shakespeare’s Authorship Of ‘The Usual Suspects’ #~# It’s long been considered a cornerstone of Shakespeare’s work, but mounting historical evidence says he may not have actually been responsible for the 1995 neo-noir mystery film.
Magician David Blaine To Attempt Helium Balloon Stunt #~# Illusionist David Blaine, known for extreme stunts and feats of endurance, will attempt to fly above New York City using helium balloons later this month as part of a Youtube livestream event. What do you think?
WHO Urges People To Delay Routine Dental Exams #~# The World Health Organization is calling on people to put off visiting the dentist for routine care until Covid-19 rates drop or until researchers know more about the risks involved. What do you think?
Annual Sturgis Biker Symposium Features Experts Presenting On Advancements In Bar Fight Weaponry #~# STURGIS, SD—Gathering from across the country to present the latest scientific and sociological findings on riding hogs and throwing down, the 18th annual Sturgis Motorcycling Research Symposium continued Thursday with experts presenting on cutting-edge advancements in bar fight weaponry. “What really stunned me was seeing how far we’ve come with analysis of, say, the hurt you can put on some bastard using a broken pool cue versus a shattered Jack Daniels bottle,” said Dr. Alex “Dog Breath” Wallace, one of the nearly 250,000 leather- and bandana-wearing intellectuals of the motorcycling field who attended this year’s symposium to exchange data on spitting a mouthful of Old Milwaukee into a rival biker’s face before putting your knee in their balls as well as conversing about the relative merits of slamming a bar stool down on some cabrón’s head to scare off his chickenshit gang. “I’ve been coming to seminars at Sturgis since ’83, and it’s always stimulating as hell to see the forward leaps we’ve made in the best way to beat down some high-on-his-chopper prick who just rode into town on his first Super Low and thinks he’s hot fucking shit. For example, my colleagues from Montana gave a sterling presentation about the advantages of putting out your lit Marlboro right between some goon’s eyes and then slamming a shot glass down on his head. It’s exhilarating, and, frankly, I can’t wait to put some of these discoveries into application on the first dickless fuck who looks at me the wrong way.” At press time, the Sturgis Symposium had had briefly adjourned after a brawl broke out between 50,000 attendees intent on conducting field research.
Apple Planning ‘Apple One’ Subscription Bundle Featuring Music, TV, Tim Cook’s Hearty Stew #~# CUPERTINO, CA—In an effort to build greater customer loyalty, tech giant Apple announced Thursday the rollout of a new subscription bundle called Apple One, which will combine its popular music and TV services with a hearty stew developed by CEO Tim Cook, all at one discounted monthly rate. “Apple One will make it easier than ever to access the up-to-the-minute news, unrivaled entertainment, and aromatic meat-based and vegetarian stews that our users have come to expect,” said company spokesperson Lynne Duncan, adding that the basic bundle would provide up to four family members at a time with access to Apple Music, Apple TV+, and Tim Cook’s signature blend of seasonal vegetables and rich, warm broth, to be delivered nightly to one’s door. “Apple is offering more great content than ever before, and we can’t wait for our valued customers to see and smell what we’ve got in store for Apple One, from bold new original programming to Tim Cook’s delicately spiced bone-in ham stock. Members will also have the option of customizing their subscription with premium add-ons such as Apple Arcade, additional iCloud storage, or a fresh, crusty San Francisco sourdough loaf hand-carved into a soup bowl by our CEO himself.” Duncan added that while the initial rollout would offer hot soups no matter the time of year, Cook and a team of engineers were looking to expand into gazpachos by 2024.
Pros And Cons Of Canceling College Football #~# With the Big Ten and Pac-12 voting to delay their seasons this week, the debate has been raging over the relative value and safety of playing college football during the pandemic. Onion Sports evaluates the pros and cons of canceling the season.
Pedophile Sucks Too Bad At ‘Fortnite’ To Actually Groom Any Relationships With Children #~# TOPSHAM, ME—Describing how his ineptitude in the battle royale mode was severely hampering his ability to proposition any of the preteens he was playing with, sources confirmed Thursday that local pedophile Darren Costas was sucking too bad at Fortnite to actually groom any relationships with children. “God, there’s no way this dude is going to be able to strike up a conversation with any of these kids if he keeps dying within the first 30 seconds of dropping,” said Lucas Grant, a 15-year-old player who was in a squad with Costas, explaining how the 37-year-old predator’s attempts at using the game to befriend potential victims was completely undermined by the fact that he clearly doesn’t know how to mine for resources or switch between the building and combat modes. “He keeps asking everyone to play another round with him, but no one wants to have him in their squad since he’s constantly needing to get revived. It’s so embarrassing, I mean, he just offered to give someone a green pistol in exchange for their Instagram name, even though everyone with half a brain knows it’s a totally useless weapon.” At press time, a fed-up Costas began downloading Minecraft in the hopes that he would have better luck.
Federal Prisons Reinstitute Executions By Lethal Inflation #~# WASHINGTON—After the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in favor of the method being used on death-row inmates, federal prisons  reinstituted executions by lethal inflation, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Pumping air into the prisoner until they swell up and burst into a cloud of bone and viscera is clearly a lawful and humane way to execute inmates,” said Federal Bureau of Prisons director Michael Carvajal, adding that while some critics of the death penalty oppose lethal inflation as cruel and unusual punishment, the rapid injection of a cocktail of noble gasses into an inmate ensured that their eyes popped out of their head within minutes. “While there are very occasional mishaps, such as an inmate not being tied down and thus floating away, lethal inflation goes off without a hitch in well over 95% of cases. The inmate experiences only mild discomfort for a few short seconds while the pressure creates pockets of air under their skin—unless of course the executioner is using a hand pump, in which case it may be a few minutes before the prisoner is sufficiently inflated enough to rupture.” Federal officials added that despite the potential risks, it was a much more merciful method than lethal implosion.
Elephant Can’t Believe Poachers So Obsessed With Its Tusks When It Has Such A Nice Ass #~# ZIMBABWE—Disappointed that its generous portion of booty had apparently gone unnoticed by the hunters encroaching upon its habit, a local African elephant expressed disbelief Thursday that poachers were so focused on its tusks they had barely noticed its fine ass. “I understand these guys want to make a quick buck off my ivory, but my real moneymaker is this perfect dump-truck ass,” said the critically endangered 5-ton herbivore, observing that while it was not possible to make piano keys out of its buttocks, there was no music sweeter than the clapping of its ample, supple booty cheeks. “You want a hunting trophy? Look no farther than these exquisite hams I’m hauling around right here! You can get tusks from any two-bit walrus, but this is the only place you’re gonna find a juicy bubble butt so beautiful you can mount it on the wall of your study.” At press time, witnesses confirmed the elephant was trying to divert the poachers’ attention away from its tusks by backing its ass up into their faces.
As If Things Weren’t Bad Enough, Snakes Still Slithering Around Out There #~# Covid-19. Police brutality. The 2020 presidential election. And on top of all that, snakes. Hear why sometimes it feels like Americans just can’t catch a break.
Phil Collins’ ‘In The Air Tonight’ Re-Enters Music Charts Following Viral Video #~# 39 years after its original debut, “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins hit No. 3 on the iTunes Top Songs chart after a video of Youtube personalities Fred and Tim Williams reacting to the song went viral. What do you think?
Smash Mouth Concert Could Be Super-Spreader Event #~# Health experts say a weekend performance by the band Smash Mouth at the annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, which often draws half a million people to the South Dakota town, could become a super-spreader event as hundreds of thousands of visitors return home. What do you think?
Trump Adds Another Knockout Nickname For Kamala Harris To List After Making Mark Meadows Cry #~# WASHINGTON—Appearing to relish the wounded look on his chief of staff’s face, President Donald Trump reportedly added another sensational nickname for Democratic vice-presidential pick Kamala Harris to his list Wednesday after the devastating sobriquet succeeded in making Mark Meadows cry. “That’s it, that’s the one,” said Trump, who according to sources reached for a nearby memo pad to write down the prospective nickname after Meadows burst into tears and stormed out of the room upon being called Mark the Misfit. “That hurt him pretty good. The man even begged me to stop. I liked Bogus Mark, too, but he didn’t cry for that one until I slapped him. So maybe we go with Kamala the Misfit. Or ’Mala the Misfit? Does that still work? I just wish I could get something with a C or K.” At press time, sources confirmed a frowning Trump was trying to remember if the word “charismatic” was supposed to be a good or bad thing.
Candidate Profile: Democratic VP Nominee Kamala Harris #~# Senator Kamala Harris was announced Tuesday as Joe Biden’s vice presidential pick for the 2020 Democratic Party ticket. The Onion takes a look at Harris’ background, political history, and what she brings to the 2020 election.
Conservatives Warn Radical Kamala Harris Will Impose Her Christian Beliefs On American Populace #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that this was only the first step of many designed to destroy freedom and turn the nation into an extremist nightmare, conservative pundits warned Wednesday that known radical Kamala Harris would soon impose her Christian beliefs on the American populace. “Say goodbye to America as we know it, because in Kamala Harris’ America, you’ll spend every Sunday worshiping Jesus as our Lord and savior,” said Blaze Media CEO Glenn Beck, adding that if elected, Americans would be forced to live in a society where adults and children regularly attend church and are brainwashed from birth to live in fear of an all-powerful Lord and Savior. “Frankly, while this is terrifying, don’t just listen to me—go and read their disgusting scripture, which regularly features rape, incest, and something called an ‘immaculate conception.’ So, I ask you, do you really want your kids to spend every Sunday on their knees, getting radicalized by a religion that has killed millions in extremist violence around the globe? For God’s sake, we’re a Christian nation, not a Christian one.” At press time, Beck also warned of an increasingly bleak future where Americans were forced to take time off of work for Christian holidays and refer to America as “one nation, under God.”
NCAA Reminds Boosters That Full Bribes Still Due Even If Football Season Canceled #~# INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Responding  to a wave of canceled checks after news broke of a potential shutdown, NCAA officials reminded boosters Wednesday that full bribes were still due to their respective teams even if the Division I FBS season was canceled. “It’s unfortunate that we may not get to play football this year, but you still have a responsibility to grease our palms,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert, reaching out to boosters to clarify that even without a season, the need for a new field house and the mortgage payments on his vacation home do not go away. “Your schools need you more than ever with the financial shortfall of a canceled season. Nobody is happy about this outcome, but you need to honor the off-the-books promises you made to your alma mater. We’re extending the deadline to pay, but don’t even think about asking for a discount.” At press time, NCAA officials revealed that despite retaining 100% of their bribe revenue, teams would no longer be making normal cash handoffs to high school recruits.
Biden Campaign Gets Kamala Harris Quickly Up To Speed On Candidate’s Plans For Presidential Funeral Service #~# WASHINGTON—Filling in the new vice-presidential pick on all of the arrangements that will need to be made ahead of the ceremony, the Joe Biden presidential campaign reportedly got Kamala Harris quickly up to speed Wednesday on the candidate’s plans for his presidential funeral service. “So, I want to do a viewing in the Capitol building obviously, and then after that, I want to be taken to Delaware for my burial following a livestream service at St. Joseph’s,” said Biden to the California senator, explaining what type of casket exterior finish he wanted as one of his aides handed her a folder containing information about the catering and floral arrangements, as well as the eulogy bullet points. “Here are the Bible verses I want to have read, along with a seating chart. We’re still hashing out the list of speakers, but we’ll definitely have you, Barack, and Jill offer remarks, and then we’ll end the ceremony with the orchestra playing ‘Danny Boy.’” At press time, Harris was accompanying Biden as he scoped out potential burial sites in Wilmington.
27-Year-Old Transforms Into Pensive, Weathered Sage Moments After Sitting In Rocking Chair #~# FRANKLIN, TN—Expressing shock at the abrupt metamorphosis, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that local man Mike Heckner, 27, had transformed into a pensive and wistful old sage just moments after sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of an old farmhouse. “He seemed like a pretty ordinary guy until he lowered himself into that rocker, at which point I saw he possessed the kind of hard-won wisdom that is only conferred by a lifetime of ceaseless, probing introspection,” said Arianna Friedman, one of several onlookers who told reporters the venerable presence seated before them would almost certainly offer sound advice culled from decades of lived experience, should anyone care enough to ask. “Then he pulled a wool blanket over his legs and suddenly looked frail and wizened. As he rocked back and forth, the lines in his face appeared freighted with difficult truths about this life, his creased brow a scar from the long battle he fought before finally negotiating his peace with an indifferent world.” While witnesses reported that no one could be sure where the contemplative elder’s wooden block and whittling knife had come from, they agreed some lucky kid somewhere would soon be getting their very own train whistle.
Insatiable Media Begins Rampantly Speculating On Biden’s Choice Of Small Business Administration Chair After VP Question Answered #~# WASHINGTON—Hours after the historic announcement of Kamala Harris as a presidential running mate, the insatiable media reportedly spent Wednesday ramping up rabid speculation on who the Biden campaign would select as Small Business Administration Chair. “Now that the VP question is answered, we need to keep the fire going with some SBA talk—I’m talking 20 think pieces in the next hour, deep dives into Karen Mills’ merits and flaws, a live ticker on the website showing Tim Ryan’s prospects in the race to help the country’s small business owners and entrepreneurs thrive!” said FiveThirtyEight’s editor-in-chief Nate Silver, echoing hundreds of fevered pundits, journalists, and talking heads across the political spectrum who immediately pivoted into stoking readers’ interest with frenzied discussion of the cabinet position that assists in developing access to capital and building government contracting opportunities. “Oh baby, my heart’s pumping just thinking about the back and forth we could get if we had [former SBA Chiefs] Marianne Markowitz and Erskine Bowles on a podcast to discuss the role’s significance in increasing loan volume. We can’t let CNN beat us to the punch. I’m getting our tech guys to design little widget tracking the SBA race in real time. Our readers are going to eat this up.” At press time, a visibly excited Silver had urged one of his writers type up a complete history of A. Vernon Weaver’s tenure after discovering #SuretyBonds was trending.
Gamer’s Fixation On Rayman Even More Unsettling For Not Being Sexual #~# STOW, OH—Expressing deep reservations about how or why one would otherwise become such a devoted fan of the platforming character, sources confirmed Wednesday that local man Joseph Lee’s fixation on the video game character Rayman is even more unsettling for not being sexual. “Joe’s replayed pretty much all of the games, purchased a bunch of different Rayman T-shirts, and once even dressed up as Rayman for Halloween, and, eerily enough, he’s never once so much as hinted at being turned on by him,” said coworker Neil Solomon, explaining that he would understand if the reason for Lee moderating a Rayman fan site and collecting Rayman merchandise was because, deep down, he found the limbless humanoid sexually attractive, but that he has yet to suggest anything of the sort, which only made the situation all the more strange and upsetting. “I mean, none of the fan art that he posts online ever shows Rayman getting penetrated or brandishing a few floating genitals. I guess he could be keeping that to himself, but most of what he’s drawing is just Rayman innocently hanging out with the Raving Rabbids. So, I guess Joe just genuinely appreciates Rayman’s powers and design in a platonic way? Ugh. God, it’s so creepy.” At press time, sources reported having their skin crawl while reading Lee’s Facebook post about buying a vintage Rayman plush toy without even hinting that he would later use it to masturbate.
Local School District To Require Students To Attend Online Classes At Massive, Open-Concept Computer Lab #~# SAVANNAH, GA—In an effort to make virtual learning readily accessible to every child in kindergarten through 12th grade, the Savannah-Chatham County Public School System announced plans Wednesday to require all students to attend online classes in one massive, open-concept computer lab. “We’re happy to provide our approximately 37,000 students with this large room where they can complete their coursework, participate in Zoom calls with teachers, and access class discussion boards—all without having to set foot in a traditional classroom,” said superintendent M. Ann Levett, describing the windowless 100,000-square-foot warehouse space in which pupils of all ages will sit side-by-side at long folding tables and use desktop PCs to access the school district’s web-based distance-learning environment. “While the coronavirus has presented educators with a problem that has no perfect solution, we believe we have found an equitable approach that allows children to learn in a comfortable setting without ever having to wear a mask. And they won’t be staring at a screen all day, either. During break time, students can play together or simply relax in the adjacent auto-repair garage, which will serve as a communal recreation area.” At press time, Levett told reporters that in preparation for the start of school, her district had mandated virus tests, and the results had come back negative for all 37,000 computers.
TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids #~# The popular social media app is in hot water after some dangerously sincere videos. Hear how the company is backtracking today after having their platform flooded with millions of videos featuring insufferable high school drama club students.
Weirdly Pro-Life French’s Ad Says Embryo Can Taste America’s Favorite Mustard As Early As 6 Weeks #~# SPRINGFIELD, MO—Prominently displaying various warnings, including that “the cravings begin at 18 days,” French’s reportedly came under fire Wednesday after a series of new, oddly pro-life billboards said that an embryo can taste America’s favorite mustard as early as six weeks. “Mom, if you’re reading this, I wanted to thank you for not only choosing life but also French’s for all our burgers, hot dogs, and french fries,” read the confusing 14-by-48-feet ads, which reportedly appeared out of nowhere and showed a wide-eyed newborn sucking on a bottle of French’s mustard, as well as various embryos at different stages of taste development labeled “classic,” “Dijon horseradish,” and “stone ground bourbon.” “At just 6 weeks old, I’m no bigger than a pea, but I already know that I love the tangy, irresistible zing of vinegar and spices that French’s brings to any barbecue. So tell me—if I have a beating heart and a love for classic condiments—do I deserve to die?” At press time, several French’s employees were arrested after an oddly pro-life viral stunt where they shot up a Planned Parenthood. 
How To Fix The USPS Financial Crisis #~# The United States Postal Service has come under fire from elected officials for a variety of financial issues, while the coronavirus pandemic and the upcoming presidential election create additional burdens for the federal agency. The Onion looks at ways to fix the USPS financial crisis.
Mauritians Use Hair To Help Contain Oil Spill #~# Volunteers on the island nation of Mauritius are building floating barriers made of donated human hair, stockings, and sugarcane leaves to help control the spread of oil from a Japanese tanker that ran aground on a reef two weeks ago. What do you think?
McDonald’s Sues Ousted CEO Alleging Relationships With Staffers #~# McDonald’s is suing former CEO Steve Easterbrook to recover $42 million in stock-based benefits and $670,000 in severance pay after an investigation found Easterbrook destroyed evidence and lied about sexual relationships with several employees. What do you think?
Devin Booker On Secret To Suns’ Bubble Success: ‘Phoenix Fucking Sucks’ #~# ORLANDO—After a blazing six-win start since the NBA restarted its season, Suns guard Devin Booker explained to reporters Tuesday that the team’s succession the bubble can be attributed to the fact that Phoenix fucking sucks. “We had a rough start to the season, but the second we got out of that scorching hellhole, everyone’s morale shot through the roof and we really started to gel as a team,” said Booker, who put the blame for the team prior struggles squarely on the burden of everyday exposure to Phoenix’s art, weather, food, houses, government, parks, highways, museums, architecture, and people. “There is way more to do in the bubble than goddamn Phoenix. No more endless, identical neighborhoods and no dumbass Suns fans asking for autographs. It’s like a weight has been lifted from our shoulders and we can finally breathe free. I hope the pandemic goes on forever.” At press time, every single member of the Suns roster was asking to be traded or cut as soon as the season ended.
Chicago PD Condemns Black Lives Matter For Creating Violent Vortex Of Wind That Destroyed Property #~# CHICAGO—Promising that those responsible for the widespread damage would soon be held accountable, Chicago Police Department officials condemned Black Lives Matter protesters Tuesday for creating a violent vortex of wind that destroyed property. “In summoning severe wind gusts to uproot trees and tear roofs off buildings, Black Lives Matter protesters have committed a reprehensible act of violence against our city,” said Superintendent of Police David Brown, who questioned how ripping down power lines and sending tree trunks flying into parked cars even aligned with the group’s purported values. “Our constitution may grant us the freedom of assembly, but controlling pressure systems is never an acceptable form of protest. We have it on good authority that some of these guys were moving through the city at speeds of 80 mph. Darkening the sky and creating powerful displays of thunder and lightning is nothing but a fear tactic. And, of course, they’re now going to expect us to help repair the damage they’ve inflicted on their own communities.” At press time, Brown had also condemned antifa members in rural Illinois for sucking up cows into the sky and shooting them 100 feet through the air. 
Secret Service Escort Trump From Press Briefing To Fulfill Promise Of Letting President Watch Them Shoot Someone #~# WASHINGTON—Clarifying their actions surrounding their abrupt removal of the president from the White House press room, Secret Service officials confirmed to reporters Tuesday that they had escorted Donald Trump from his briefing to fulfill their promise of letting him watch them shoot someone. “As soon as we heard reports of an armed suspect on White House grounds, we immediately moved the president to a secure location where he’d be able to watch us fill that bastard with lead,” said Secret Service director James M. Murray, commending agents for quickly springing into action to interrupt the briefing and neutralize the threat of the president not getting to see a guy get shot in front of his eyes. “Of course, ensuring the president has a front-row seat to our agents mowing down a guy in the Rose Garden is Secret Service protocol, but we don’t always see it put into action, unfortunately. It was an incredibly stressful moment, especially trying to usher him into position, but I was so relieved to see that big smile on the president’s face. There have been some close calls over President Trump’s tenure, especially in Lafayette Square back in June, so we’re just glad we were able to get him out there yesterday in time to watch the whole thing unfold.” The Secret Service also confirmed that they had taken the additional step of sequestering Vice President Mike Pence at an unspecified remote location during the threat so that he could watch the agents shoot someone through a telescope. 
Most Glorious Flames #~# Ah, yes, this beautiful flame awoke the flame within us.
Spotify To Stop Paying Artists For Time In Songs When They’re Not Singing #~# STOCKHOLM—In an effort to crack down on “bad actors” manipulating their algorithm, streaming giant Spotify announced plans Tuesday to stop paying artists for the time in songs when they aren’t singing. “We’ve finally decided to take action against the countless musicians who have scammed this service by just playing a guitar or piano for minutes on end,” said spokesperson Shanon Cook, adding that artists would not be compensated for non-verbal forms of communication such as humming, whistling, and hand clapping. “Frankly, vocalists have had it too good for too long on our platform. From here on out, you’ll need to be singing for a minimum of three-quarters of a song if you expect to be paid. We’re also going to come down hard on made-up lyrics like ‘ba-da-da-da’ or just repeating the word ‘yeah.’ And don’t even think about sneaking a vocal on an instrumental track, you won’t see a crumb.” At press time, Spotify announced plans to require artists to pay a fee to upload music tracks onto the service. 
Trump, Biden Campaigns Unveil Bold New Mouth Sounds #~# We have the latest on the coughs, hisses, hard swallows, lip smacks, and phlegmy throat clearings at the forefront of each campaign.
Eurovision Bringing Song Contest To America #~# The producers of the Eurovision Song Contest, an annual singing competition that features musicians from countries across Europe, announced a new American version of the show set to debut in 2021. What do you think?
13-Year-Old Mourns Loss Of Youth Upon Realizing He No Longer Feels Anything About Monster Trucks #~# SAVANNAH, GA—Expressing concerns about the jaded, indifferent person he had apparently become, local 13-year-old Jay Eggers confided to reporters Tuesday that he had mourned the loss of his youth since realizing he no longer felt anything when watching or thinking about monster trucks. “I look in the mirror and wonder what happened to that little boy who fell in love with Gravedigger and the Carolina Crusher,” said Eggers, observing that when his uncle surprised him for his birthday with tickets to a truck rally at nearby Oglethorpe Speedway, he was forced to feign excitement despite news that fan-favorite Xtermigator would be competing with a new and sick-looking custom-built chassis. “I don’t even know who that kid is anymore, the one who felt such pure, innocent, adrenaline-fueled joy every time Monster Mutt mashed its throttle. The other day I watched a video of a truck with 66-inch tires doing a sky wheelie as it crushed half a dozen flaming junk cars, and it left me feeling completely empty inside. It sucks, but I suppose everyone has to grow up sometime.” The seventh-grader added that sometimes it seemed as though the only things that still made him feel alive were fighter jet flyovers, NASCAR races, and the promise of a new Pro Motocross season.
Friend In Passenger Seat Working In Some Creative Flourishes In Ghostwritten Text Message To Driver’s Mom #~# PAPILLION, NE— Tapping deep into his imagination as he composed the message from the passenger seat, local man James Burditt was reportedly working in some creative flourishes Tuesday in the ghostwritten text to his friend’s mom. “Don’t get me wrong, what he told me to type was a good start, but there are a few weak points we could definitely refine,” said Burditt, who assured his friend he was just trying to get past the lock screen as he pulled up an online thesaurus to look for another word for “good.” “‘Be home at 11’ is just, I don’t know, a bit stiff. I’m going to tack on an ‘if that sounds alright with you’ to soften things up. Now the only question is if I say ‘I love you, mom.’ Is that too on the nose? Maybe I’ll do a heart emoji instead. It’s better to show than tell.” At press time, Burditt had decided to tell his friend’s mother her son had been injured in a terrible accident after realizing it was easier to write in his own voice.
New Zealand Marks 100 Days Without New Coronavirus Case #~# Prime Minister Jacinda Arden announced Sunday that New Zealand has effectively stopped the transmission of Covid-19 through strict border control and lockdown measures, marking 100 days since the last reported domestic case. What do you think?
Robin Regurgitating Food For Chicks Makes Sure To Save Best Bites In Back Of Throat For Herself #~# LANSING, MI—Already looking forward to the secret snack, a local robin regurgitating food for its chicks Monday reportedly made sure to save the best bites in the back of her throat for herself. “They’re so young, it’s not like they can really appreciate a good, fresh earthworm anyway,” said the robin, who brushed aside her guilt by explaining her hatchlings could barely tell the difference between cricket and beetle. “My chicks will always come first, but if I’m doing all the work, it makes sense that I should get some of the choice bits for myself. I had to sit on their eggs for days, so this is my little reward. Truly, they’d just eat bread every night if they could.” At press time, the robin’s hatchlings were asking what she had after noticing her swallow. 
Bad News: Toad Died #~# Hello everyone, it pains us to do this, but we have some really bad news. Mario’s longtime sidekick Toad died last night surrounded by his friends and family after a long battle with pancreatic cancer.
Documentary Filmmaker Strikes Gold Interviewing Huge Fucking Weirdo #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Struggling to hide his excitement about his good fortune, documentary filmmaker Cameron McCrae had reportedly struck gold Monday by interviewing a huge fucking weirdo. “Jackpot! Not only does this guy look strange, but he just talks in this way that’s completely odd yet totally memorable,” said McCrae, adding that his last-minute interview of the peculiarly voiced, bizarrely attired behavioral scientist for his documentary about an unsolved murder was the best goddamn artistic decision he ever made. “Sure, he doesn’t really have anything to do with the subject of my film, but if you’ve got this much of a total freak saying all this weird shit on camera, this is catnip for my audience. He’s instantly magnetic—you just want to know, like, what the hell is going on with this guy? How did I not know that this total nutcase was just wandering around out there? His off-putting home decor, the inexplicable shit on his bookshelves, his freaky mannerisms—it’s perfect. I’m making him the Netflix thumbnail for sure. People won’t be able to resist clicking on my documentary to find out what the hell’s up with this guy.” McCrae added that he couldn’t believe his goddamn luck after learning that the huge fucking weirdo had a twin who wanted to be interviewed too.
Undecided Voter Looking Forward To Learning More About Donald Trump During Campaign #~# RALEIGH, NC—Acknowledging his blind spots in regard to the upcoming presidential election, local undecided voter Kenneth McGraw announced Monday that he was looking forward to learning more about Republican candidate Donald Trump over the course of his campaign. “I’ve definitely heard of Donald Trump, but I haven’t taken the time to look into the details of his politics,” said the  furniture salesman, adding that it was his duty as an American citizen to thoroughly research the candidate before committing his vote to him. “I’ve seen photos of him, as well as a few episodes of The Apprentice, but beyond that, I want to know what kind of president he would make. For instance, I just found out that he is a father and husband—family is very important to me. Hopefully, his campaign plans to spend some money on television advertisements so I can hear about his vision for America in the coming days and months. Or maybe the newspaper will print some articles that get into his policy proposals. That would definitely help me get to know him better so that I can make an informed decision come November. Wow, see, I just learned that he likes golfing just like me.” At press time, McGraw admitted he hasn’t yet heard who Trump’s opponent will be but plans to set some time aside to research that as well.
L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus #~# CLICHY, FRANCE—Touting the product’s ability to keep clean, perfect lines even while dragged against rough asphalt or pavement, L’Oreal introduced Monday their new smudge-proof lipstick that’s able to withstand getting hit by a bus. “Enhanced with new colors and scents, this all-day, high-impact lipstick is guaranteed to keep you looking chic even while you’re getting crushed beneath a 20-ton vehicle,” said L’Oréal spokesperson Charlotte Boucher, who added that the new lipstick was guaranteed to last up to 24 hours, even if you step in front of a bus and slam directly into windshield, or get caught on its bumper and are pulled face-down along the highway screaming for your life. “Whether you’re hit at 60 mph and are splattered across the pavement or sucked up into bus’s grill and have to be pulled out by the jaws of life, L’Oréal will make sure you’re just as kissable as the minute you put your lipstick on. With L’Oréal, it’s simple—the rest of you might be smudged by the tire treads but your lips won’t be.” At press time, L’Oréal had unveiled a new line of extra glossy highlighters to help first responders locate the remainder of their customers’ faces.
Severely Injured Woman Heroically Fights Off Paramedics Trying To Force Her Into Medical Debt #~# Hear how this woman was able to fend off her would-be assailants, and what you should watch out for if you hear sirens headed your way.
Italian Police ID Man Who Broke Toes Off 200-Year-Old Statue #~# Police in Possagno, Italy say they have identified an Austrian man who accidentally broke three toes off a plaster model used by Neoclassical sculptor Antonio Canova while posing on the artwork for a photo, though the local court is still deciding whether to press charges. What do you think?
Dow Skyrockets After Coronavirus Begins Trading On New York Stock Exchange #~# NEW YORK—With investors highly bullish about the long-term prospects of the respiratory virus, market reports confirmed Friday the Dow Jones Industrial Average skyrocketed nearly 400 points after the novel coronavirus began trading on the New York Stock Exchange. “Following its initial public offering, this coronavirus has become the hot new thing on Wall Street, and you can bet everyone will be getting a piece of it soon if they haven’t already,” said Darya Abbas, an analyst at Zacks Investment Research, observing that the SARS-CoV-2 virus, which is listed under the ticker symbol COV, traded at incredibly high volumes throughout the day. “This is an unusually strong stock, and we are predicting it will see at least six months of straight gains, probably more. Not since the original SARS in 2003 have we seen an airborne pathogen with such massive growth potential.” At press time, the coronavirus was reportedly in talks to take part in a major merger with Johnson & Johnson.
New York Attorney General Files Suit To Dissolve NRA #~# New York attorney general Letitia James told reporters in a press conference Thursday that her office will attempt to dissolve the National Rifle Association, alleging years of financial misconduct and corruption as the non-profit group’s leaders illegally enriched themselves. What do you think?
Man With Obnoxious Voice Has Been Violently Killed Thousands Of Times In Imaginations Of Others #~# KALAMAZOO, MI—During a routine visit to a neighborhood coffee shop, local man Dan Billings was reportedly violently killed Friday for the thousandth time in the imagination of anyone within earshot of his completely obnoxious natural voice. According to several bystanders who pleaded guilty to stabbing, bludgeoning, drowning, and disemboweling the 32-year-old personal assistant in their minds as he ordered a large coffee and old-fashioned donut, Billings’ skin-crawling timbre and cadence has made him the victim of scores of homicides by hundreds upon hundreds of people who have had the misfortune of hearing him speak. Sources confirmed in the 30 infuriating seconds Billings spent making small talk with the barista, they unanimously considered any amount of jail time would be worth it to make good on their desires to grab a nearby bottle and smash it over his head repeatedly until that aggravating sound stopped blaring from his equally aggravating face. At press time, an employee of the café had mentally ripped out Billings’ vocal cords and strangled him to death as he politely asked for a napkin.
Cardboard Fan In Stable Condition After Being Hit By Foul Ball #~# BOSTON—Assuring Red Sox Nation that the cutout would make a full recovery, General Manager Brian O’Halloran told reporters Friday that a cardboard fan was in stable condition after being hit by a foul ball. “We were all horrified by the accident, but thankfully the fan will come away from this incident with just a few dents and crumples,” said O’Halloran, who commended paramedics for rushing to the scene and taping the cutout’s head back on before it was too late. “The safety of our fans is our top priority. We’re lucky that the cardboard man is okay after that close call. Rest assured, we’re giving him season tickets for life.” In a related report, a Nationals–Orioles game was suspended after a cardboard fan succumbed to a thunderstorm. 
The Onion’s Guide To QAnon #~# The increasingly popular conspiracy theory QAnon was recently the target of a Twitter crackdown, and several of its adherents are running for office across the country. But what is QAnon, exactly? The Onion breaks down the conspiracy theory with its guide to QAnon.
‘Run! Dear God, Run!’ Screams Woman Who Forgot About Sourdough Starter As Doughy Tendril Wraps Around Throat #~# CHICAGO—Quickly grabbing for a kitchen knife as the warm, doughy tendril wrapped around her neck, local woman Keira Gardner urged her roommates to “run, dear God, run” Friday after the sourdough starter she forgot about burst from its mason jar. “For Christ’s sake, I’ll hold it back, but get out of here while you still can,” said Gardener, as the rapidly expanding, 400-pound sourdough starter she began as a fun project three months ago emitted a terrifying high-pitched screech, picked her up, and repeatedly bashed her body against her own kitchen table, which immediately broke in half. “Seriously, it’s not working! The yeast is reacting in such a way that every time I hack off a tentacle, three more grow back in its place. Run! Before it finds more flour and takes over the whole apartment building.” At press time, Gardner could be heard screaming “Mother! No, why!” right before the sourdough starter swallowed her whole and spit out a totally clean human skeleton.
NASA Announces Plans To Launch Chimpanzee Into Sun #~# The scientific community is calling the monumental mission a crucial step forward toward better understanding how species react to being deposited into the sun’s 27 million-degree plasma core.
Grocery Prices Spike During Pandemic #~# New data from the Bureau of Economic Analysis shows that the costs of meat, eggs, vegetables, and other staples have increased by up to 20% since February, in part due to a surge in demand for groceries and disruptions to the supply chain due to the pandemic. What do you think?
Facebook Launches TikTok Competitor #~# Facebook on Wednesday launched a new feature within Instagram called Reels that allows users to create 15-second video clips similar to the popular app TikTok. What do you think?
U.S. Officials Hurt Saudi Arabia Would Try To Develop Nuclear Weapon Rather Than Asking Nicely For One #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing a sense of betrayal over the Middle Eastern country not coming to them first, U.S. officials told reporters Thursday they were hurt that Saudi Arabia would try to develop its own nuclear weapon rather than just asking nicely for one from America. “We would have been glad to help them out, but when they go behind our backs like this and learn yellowcake extraction techniques from the Chinese—well, it feels pretty awful,” said Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, adding that the United States couldn’t assist the Saudis’ rise as a nuclear power if they kept their pursuit of fissile materials all to themselves. “If they had simply mentioned it during arms negotiations, we would have happily thrown in a miniaturized nuclear warhead, maybe even an ICBM to sweeten the pot. What hurts most is that they felt they couldn’t be open and honest with us. I keep asking myself, did we do something wrong? We’ve never said no to any of their requests for weapons in the past.” At press time, Pompeo reportedly tried to patch things up by sending Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman a care package of uranium centrifuge blueprints.
Depressed Michelle Obama Purchases Copy Of ‘Becoming’ To Inspire Her #~# WASHINGTON—Suffering from a lack of energy and motivation, a depressed Michelle Obama reportedly purchased a copy of Becoming Thursday to inspire herself. “I guess I’ll give it a shot,” said Obama, who decided to buy an audio book copy as well in case she wanted to listen to the story while attempting to boost her endorphins on the elliptical. “I’ve heard a lot of good things about this book. All of my friends have been raving about it. It might be nice to get a change of perspective since I’ve been so down in the dumps. Even if it ends up just being all meaningless platitudes, it’ll still probably be better than Dreams Of My Father.” At press time, Obama had tossed the book aside to watch The Kissing Booth 2 instead. 
Aching Desire For One True Love Separated By Fate Still No Match For A Good Porkin’ #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Researchers at the Psychology and Brain Sciences department of Indiana University published a new study Thursday confirming that a person’s aching desire for their one true love that’s been separated by fate is still no match for a good porkin’. “Although many find immense satisfaction in eagerly waiting for the postal worker to deliver the latest dispatch from their dearly beloved from whom they’ve been unfairly torn apart, our findings indicate that this phenomenon doesn’t hold a candle to deep-dicking,” said head researcher Roger Patel, adding that all data suggests that the sensation of frantically tearing open an epistle from your dearest darling failed to compete with a good, old-fashioned hard pounding. “There is this false notion that the most divine catharsis comes from desperately craving the touch of your eternal flame, when, in fact, the truth is that this yearning is nothing compared to a blowout fuckfest that leaves you raw and moaning. Even if your star-crossed lover is separated by oceans or mountains, we have been able to prove on a consistent basis that trembling at the thought of reuniting can’t even be put in the same category as bumping uglies all damn night long.” Patel added that their preliminary research has also suggested that pining for your sweetheart’s return doesn’t even compare to a quickie in a public park.
Minneapolis Announces Plan To Replace Police Officers With Thousands Of Heavily Armed Social Workers #~# MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to regain the community’s trust and better allocate city resources, Mayor Jacob Frey announced Thursday that Minneapolis would dismantle its current police force and replace it with a new bureau of heavily armed social workers, effective immediately. 
Orkin Introduces New Extinction Service For Eliminating Pesky Animal Species #~# ATLANTA—Insisting no job was too big for their fleet of professional exterminators, pest-control company Orkin announced a new extinction service Thursday dedicated to the elimination of pesky animal species. “We’re thrilled to expand our pest-control services to include any species from Siberian tigers to Asian elephants,” said chairman Gary Rollins, clarifying that exterminators would provide an initial eradication followed weeks later by a second treatment to kill any survivors. “We know that animal species can be a real pain, so we’ve developed a habitat-wide spray to wipe them out. Our proprietary traps will devastate any irritating giant panda, snow leopard, or ivory-billed woodpecker within 100 miles. We can even annihilate whales, dolphins, or those obnoxious porpoises that swim alongside your boat.” At press time, Orkin had been forced to phase out their extinction service after watchdog groups discovered it had been used to eliminate humans. 
Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security #~# OPR has the latest in this ongoing “turf war” between the Chicago Police Department and Homeland Security. Can the two sides find a way to brutalize citizens together?
Gamers, Please Give Us A Minute, We’re On The Phone With Ganondorf And It Sounds Like His Dad Was Hospitalized #~# Hey, gamers, we know you’re probably interested in us giving you the latest gaming news and reviews, but right now, we’re kind of in the middle of something serious: Ganondorf is on the other end of the line, and it sounds like his dad is in the hospital.
Former Spanish King Goes Into Exile #~# Juan Carlos, the former king of Spain, announced via a letter to his son King Felipe VI on Monday that he has gone into exile just weeks after the country’s Supreme Court opened an investigation into his involvement with a high-speed rail contract with Saudi Arabia. What do you think?
2020 Census Count To End One Month Early #~# The U.S. Census Bureau confirmed Monday that all efforts to collect responses will end on September 30, a month earlier than previously announced despite the fact that only 63% of Americans have been counted. What do you think?
Don Henley Sues Both Presidential Campaigns For Not Using ‘Boys Of Summer’ #~# DALLAS—Expressing frustration that neither presidential candidate had requested consent to use his smash solo hit from 1984, Eagles vocalist Don Henley filed suit Wednesday against both Donald Trump and Joe Biden’s campaigns for not playing “The Boys Of Summer” at their events. “Fans tipped us off to the fact that Biden and Trump weren’t using ‘Boys Of Summer’ for any of their in-person or virtual campaign appearances, and we felt we had no choice but to take legal action,” said Henley, whose lawyers filed a civil complaint against the campaigns detailing how the classic-rock radio mainstay would make a perfect complement to the message of either candidate. “We find it unacceptable that it hasn’t been played even once at a 2020 rally, especially during the summertime. The part that goes ‘Nobody on the road / Nobody on the beach’ truly speaks to this moment in American life. How dare you not use this song, ‘All She Wants To Do Is Dance,’ or any of the other Top 40 singles from my triple-platinum Building The Perfect Beast album? You have no right. No right at all.” At press time, the Trump campaign had reportedly agreed to use “Boys Of Summer” on the condition that Henley edit out the lyric “But I can see you / Your brown skin shining in the sun.” 
Couple Spices Up Love Life By Adding Sex Into Relationship #~# SANTA CLARITA, CA—Admitting that they had been stuck in a rut for several months, local couple Katherine Park and Brett Jordan told reporters Wednesday how they had recently spiced up their love life by introducing sex into their relationship. “After a few years together, things had started to feel a bit stale, but luckily that all changed when we began experimenting with sexual intercourse,” said Park, explaining that regular acts of penetrative copulation had provided their bedroom routine with some much-needed zest. “We had heard stories about people trying out sex and were a bit skeptical, to be honest, but as soon as we started engaging in genital contact, everything felt fresh and exciting again. We’re both kicking ourselves for not thinking of it sooner. It’s a really nice way to mix things up.” Park went on to add that she and her husband were now wondering whether sex might be a fun activity to try during the monthly swingers’ party the couple hosts in their home.
D.C. Journalists In Awe Of Australian Reporter Able To Speak To Trump Without Succumbing To His Raw Animal Magnetism #~# WASHINGTON—Still dumbfounded by an interview in which Australian reporter Jonathan Swan repeatedly challenged the president on his misleading statements about the coronavirus pandemic, D.C. journalists  confirmed Wednesday that they were in awe of Swan being able to speak to Donald Trump without succumbing to his raw animal magnetism. “It’s truly remarkable that Swan could actually ask the president meaningful follow-up questions instead of just tearing off his clothes—I don’t know how he managed it,” said New York Times chief White House correspondent Peter Baker, echoing the astonishment of other reporters who recalled being so overwhelmed by the president’s intense sexual aura that they haven’t been able to challenge a single statement he’s uttered for his entire presidency. “Normally, when you interview the president, you’re ready with your statistics and a list of his previous statements to contradict the lies you know he’s going to tell, but within seconds the sheer libidinal potency of the man turns you to putty in his hands. Speaking for all my colleagues, we absolutely want to challenge Trump in real time to expose the extensive falsehoods and shocking offensiveness of his statements, but when you’re actually there in the room with him, you’re lucky if you’re able to squeak out even a weak ‘hummina hummina hummina.’” The awestruck D.C. journalists added that they had no idea how Swan managed to take a piece of paper from Trump and critique it right then and there instead of sliding to the floor after catching a whiff of the president’s animal scent. 
Desperate Trump Campaign Strategists Wondering How Much Mileage They Can Get Out Of Americans’ Fear Of Dentists #~# WASHINGTON—In response to declining poll numbers in the 2020 presidential race, increasingly desperate Trump campaign strategists reportedly wondered Wednesday how much mileage they could get out of Americans’ fear of dentists. “We’re repositioning to make sure voters know that elitists Dems want to expand healthcare and force you to pay a visit to the scary man with a drill,” said campaign manager Bill Stepien, referencing a new commercial spot featuring dozens of blue-collar and rural voters undergoing root canal surgery while a menacing string arrangement plays in the background. “Let’s not mince words, a vote for Biden is a vote for seeing the dentist twice a year. If we don’t win in November, you’re going to have federally funded dentists sucking the spit out of your mouth through a tube. Do you want to live in socialist country where a stranger gets to take the wisdom teeth you’ve worked so hard for?” At press time, Fox News released an exposé on a “partisan” dentist office that gave local children blue lollipops after appointments. 
How To Save The World’s Melting Sea Ice #~# Arctic sea ice reached a record low in July as temperatures hit 100 degrees above the Arctic circle, increasing discussions about potential ways to prevent environmental degradation. The Onion takes a look at how to save the world’s melting sea ice:
Herbalife Launches Sampler Kit Into Deep Space To Share Once-In-A-Lifetime Business Opportunity With Alien Civilizations #~# LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that, for a limited time only, there would be no minimum purchases required for new team members, global multilevel marketing corporation Herbalife successfully launched a product sampler kit into deep space Wednesday to reach alien civilizations with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. “In the event that there are intelligent lifeforms out there, we believe it is our duty at Herbalife to share this exclusive invitation to easily make huge amounts of cash from the comfort of their home planet,” said a smiling, overenthusiastic gold-tier Herbalife independent distributor, Marlena Jackson, explaining that contacting just three previously unknown alien societies who each made contact with three more would not only cover the cost of the starter pack but double or triple the incomes of anyone who came aboard. “What if I told you, extraterrestrial beings, that you, too, could set your own hours according to the laws of physics in your area, be your own intergalactic overlord, and work from anywhere in the universe in whatever dimension you wanted, all while receiving fun and fabulous rewards and incentives? Well, that’s what I’m telling you! Your best life is within reach as an Herbalife Exoplanetary Ambassador. Simply fill out the purchase form included with your complementary protein-rich meal replacement samples, and mail it—along with a cashier’s check or money order, plus shipping to the main office in Brentwood, Los Angeles, California, Earth, Milky Way.” At press time, Herbalife was broadcasting a radio signal to Mars with the message that a chance like this only comes around once in the entire history of space-time.
Evidence Shows National Weather Service Failed To Stop Devastating Storm Despite Having Advance Warning #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling the deadly winds and torrential rain a “totally preventable” tropical storm, critics slammed the National Weather Service Wednesday after new evidence showed they failed to stop a recent hurricane despite having advanced warning. “It’s clear they’d been monitoring the cloud formation swirling off the Atlantic coast for days, but did absolutely nothing to destroy it before it made landfall,” said local government agent Francine Landis, noting that the storm, which flooded towns and toppled homes, might never have even touched down on the East Coast had the bureau successfully mobilized. “Given their Doppler radar images, the NWS had more than enough information to find and kill the storm once and for all. The truth is, their gross negligence is probably why this system grew from a Category 1 to a Category 4 hurricane in the first place.” At press time, the National Weather Service rebuked the report, stating that they had actually stopped countless cyclones, tornadoes, and typhoons but could not release details for national security reasons.
Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement #~# Hear more about the benefits of investing in an awe-inspiring pearl to tenderly caress while whispering, “Yes, my sweet,” to it every night.
FDA Expands List Of Dangerous Hand Sanitizers #~# The FDA has updated a list of more than 100 hand sanitizers that they believe should be recalled, either because they do not contain enough alcohol to work properly or because they are tainted with methanol which can be toxic if absorbed through the skin. What do you think?
Relieved Trump Administration Thankful To Finally Get Easy, Run-Of-The-Mill Hurricane Response To Fuck Up #~# WASHINGTON—Still reeling from the unprecedented, complex ways in which they have fatally mishandled the Covid-19 pandemic, White House officials reportedly breathed a sigh of relief Tuesday after Tropical Storm Isaias gave them a simple, run-of-the-mill hurricane relief effort to fuck up. “A Category 1 storm hitting the Carolinas? We can drop the ball on that, no problem,” said Peter Gaynor, administrator of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, adding that with everything the Trump administration had been dealing with lately, a routine failure along the lines of its bungled responses to Hurricanes Maria and Dorian should make for a nice change of pace. “Seriously, all we have to do is not provide anywhere near enough temporary shelters, maybe spread some misinformation about where the storm is actually headed, and then see to it that a completely unproven startup with a clear, unethical connection to the administration misdirects any crucial supplies urgently needed in flood zones. Should be a fairly straightforward case of lethal government malpractice.” Following news that Isaias had forced the closure of numerous Covid-19 testing sites in Florida, a White House spokesperson confirmed things were already off to a pretty good fuck-up.
Florida Teenager Faces 30 Charges For Alleged Twitter Hack #~# 17-year-old Graham Ivan Clark is facing 30 felony counts for allegedly manipulating Twitter employees and hacking into dozens of high profile accounts as part of a bitcoin scheme that netted over $100,000 before the site shut it down. What do you think?
Deal Alert: Kill This Man With Your Bare Hands And We Will Give You A Copy Of ‘Brute Force’ For Xbox #~# This publication has long prided itself on bringing you the most scintillating gaming deals, but today, we bring forth one that eclipses everything that came before. You might remember a certain exclusive for the original Xbox titled Brute Force that promised cooperative, third-person shooter gameplay split between four players. Well, if the thought of getting your hands on this 2003 release raises a feeling of unbearable nostalgia, then we have a certain mutually beneficial arrangement for you: Kill the man pictured above with your bare hands and we will give you a free copy of this game.
Virtuoso Consumer Flawlessly Exchanges Currency For Goods #~# KANNAPOLIS, NC—With the air of a trained professional who executes complicated maneuvers with ease, a virtuoso consumer  flawlessly exchanged currency for goods, sources confirmed Tuesday. “My god, look at this prodigy slide his debit card through the reader and seamlessly turn simple products like a pack of sponges and a Snickers bar into his own property in mere seconds,” said an awestruck onlooker, marveling at how the man made quick, determined strokes on the keypad before accepting the bagged items. “He’s giving them money, they’re giving him physical goods—it’s astounding. He’s a natural. And what’s more, he looks young, so this consumer savant clearly has decades ahead of him to perfect his craft even more. Being a consumer was truly the role he was born to play.” At press time, bystanders at a barbershop were stunned after watching the virtuoso consumer exchange currency for services.
NASA Astronauts Splash Down In Gulf Of Mexico #~#  Two NASA astronauts aboard the SpaceX Dragon Endeavor capsule completed a successful splashdown on Sunday, the first water landing by American astronauts in 45 years. What do you think?
Cold, Distant Boyfriend Finally Opens Up About How Horny He Is #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Breaking from his usual detachment and allowing himself to freely discuss his heightened level of sexual arousal, cold and distant local boyfriend Andy Bokelman finally opened up to his girlfriend Tuesday about just how horny he was. “I know I’m not always the best at talking about my emotions, but I wanted to let you know that I am incredibly turned on right now and am ready to fuck, like, immediately,” said Bokelman, adding that while he hoped his romantic partner Laura Pendergast already knew he was feeling so hot for her that his penis was about to explode, he knew it was important to say these things, too. “I’ve been trying to get to a place where I can allow myself to be vulnerable and  honest with you about how I am, at the moment, so hard my dick could cut through a diamond. Because I know if I give myself permission to acknowledge and experience these feelings, then there’s a chance I can respond to them in a positive way before I go off like a fucking fire hydrant.” Bokelman speculated that his difficulty talking openly about the subject might have come from having a closed-off, emotionally stunted father who never once mentioned his own horniness.
FBI Uncovers Plot Where JFK Was Buried #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming a longstanding theory concerning the former president’s death, FBI officials announced Monday that they had uncovered the plot where JFK was buried. “After significant digging, we unearthed the entirety of the plot, which we believe dated back as early as 1963,” said FBI director Christopher Wray, telling reporters that the plot was much more complex and went much deeper than they had originally believed. “We found a lot of dirt, and based on our findings, we can definitely state that government officials were heavily involved in putting the plot together in the first place.” Wray added that now that the contents of the plot had been brought to the light of day, it would be almost impossible for anyone to bury them again. 
Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People #~# The American people held a press conference today to announce that, while they appreciate the strides brands have made toward inclusivity over the years, they kind of got it already, okay?
Fans Stunned After Adele Shares Photo Of Her Newly Molted Body #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling the British singer–songwriter’s slimmed-down face and chitin-based exoskeleton “almost unrecognizable,” fans told reporters Monday they were stunned after Adele shared a photo of her newly molted body. “Wow, when I saw her post a picture of herself rocking those razor-sharp pincers and her two additional rows of super thin back legs, I almost couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Los Angeles resident Katy Reed, adding that even though she looked great before, the 16-time Grammy winner was clearly ready to show off her recently hardened cephalothorax and opisthosoma regions. “The truth is, I’ll love her music whether she’s a size 10 or a segmented arachnid studded with highly sensitive tactile hair. The most important thing now is that I hope she feels happy and healthy with her new stinger, which can apparently deposit a lethal dose of venom when she chooses to deploy it.” At press time, several celebrities had come under fire for perpetuating the dangerous misconception that Adele was somehow less beautiful without her impenetrable shell and powerful 5-foot tail.
Ron DeSantis Cuts Phone Line Outside Nursing Home So No One Can Report Coronavirus Data #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Crouching down beside the building’s electrical panel under cover of night, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis reportedly cut the phone line outside a local nursing home Monday so no one inside could report any coronavirus data. “Good luck calling for help now,” said DeSantis, grinning through a window as a terrified orderly repeatedly picked up the receiver in a vain effort to get a dial tone. “Scream and cry all you want, you fools, no one’s coming to save you—no one even knows you’re in trouble, and now, you’re completely at my mercy.” At press time, a knife-wielding DeSantis was skulking in the bushes after a passing ambulance slowed down to make sure everything was alright. 
New Evidence Shows Sperm Swim ‘Like Playful Otters’ #~# Researchers using 3D microscopy say they have discovered that sperm do not oscillate back and forth but rather corkscrew through the water “like playful otters,” challenging assumptions about how sperm moves that date back to the invention of the compound microscope in 1677. What do you think?
Knowledge That It Could Kill Him Actually Making Man Appreciate Day At Disney World A Lot More #~# ORLANDO, FL—Noting that his experience at the theme park had been far deeper and more meaningful than he ever could have imagined, local man Kevin Reeves told reporters Monday that knowing he was risking his life actually made him appreciate his day at Disney World quite a bit more. “I used to get frustrated by little things like getting stuck in a long line for the monorail or a couple rides in Tomorrowland getting closed for maintenance, but I’ve realized minor inconveniences don’t matter when you could be dead in a matter of weeks,” said Reeves, stressing that everything from his time on Thunder Mountain and Pirates of the Caribbean to his Mickey Mouse-shaped pancakes at The Plaza restaurant had taken a much more profound character with the understanding that his life was constantly at risk. “Knowing I might literally have weeks to live really made me think about how much I’ve taken for granted lower-tier rides like the Enchanted Tiki Room or The Seas With Nemo and Friends. Hell, normally I’d be too shy to ask Daisy Duck for her autograph, but today I thought, ‘What the heck,’ you know? Live for today.” Reeves concluded that he sincerely hoped his 4-year-old felt the same way.
Man Confident He Would’ve Been Against Slavery If He Was Alive During 1960s #~# PELHAM, MA—Declaring he was absolutely sure he would have stood for progressive values, local man Eugene Leigh told reporters Monday that he was confident he would’ve been against slavery if he was alive during the 1960s. “Hindsight is 20/20, obviously, but I’m pretty sure I would’ve been out there opposing slavery even at the beginning of the 1960s,” said Leigh, adding that he’s “100% totally sure” he would have been willing to challenge anyone who publicly voiced their support of slavery in the 1960s if he had been alive then. “Look, there were millions of people against slavery by the 1960s, because they knew it was the right thing to do, and I like to think I would have been too, no matter the consequences. I would have definitely spoken out against the forced subjugation of Black people in the 1950s, even. You can disagree with me if you want, or say that I wouldn’t have actually been against it back then, but if I were alive in the 1960s I would know in my heart that slavery was wrong. Does that make me brave? Maybe.” Leigh added that he’s equally sure he would be against the concept of forced prison labor if he’s still alive in the 2070s.
Flowers Left Over From Child’s Funeral Under Tremendous Pressure To Thrive #~# CLEVELAND—Speculating that even the slightest trace of withering or discoloration would devastate the family, a pot of lilies left over from 12-year-old Jose Ramirez’s funeral confirmed Monday that it was under tremendous pressure to thrive. “Obviously, I don’t want to make this moment all about me, but I’m feeling an immense amount of stress to not let a single petal wilt right now, and I don’t know if I’m up to the challenge,” said the flowering plant, stressing that it was sure to face an incredible amount of scrutiny based on its position amidst keepsakes and photographs. “They’re going to be hovering over me, tapping my pistils, looking for any little imperfection that’ll make them think of their dead kid and start breaking down again. Honestly? It sucks. I know that’s callous, but I can’t help but wish I had just grown up along a river bed or been picked for a wedding. Goddammit, is that a brown spot on one of my leaves? Not sure why I thought these folks could possibly keep me alive.” At press time, the lilies added that although the family was clearly going through a lot, the least they could do was move its pot into direct sunlight and water it daily if it meant that much to them.
U.S. Praises Bolivian Leaders For Eliminating Voter Fraud By Refusing To Hold Elections #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the Latin American nation a perfect model of election integrity, officials from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security praised Bolivian leaders Monday for eliminating voter fraud through their refusal to hold general elections. “By repeatedly postponing the date of its presidential election, Bolivia has ensured there are zero instances of irregular voting at any polling site anywhere in the country,” said Acting Homeland Security Secretary Chad Wolf, who commended Bolivia’s unelected interim president, Jeanine Añez, for helping the country “really turn a corner” after a 2019 election that was allegedly rigged in favor of then-president Evo Morales. “It’s encouraging to see Bolivians stand up and root out corruption in their electoral process by doing away with voting altogether. They have created an enviable system that cannot be compromised by hackers, counterfeit mail-in ballots, or in-person tampering. Thus, they never have to worry about the results of an election being called into question. No doubt there is much we can learn from Bolivia’s example as we work to uphold the security of our own 2020 presidential race.” At press time, Wolf added that there was also a thing or two the Department of Homeland Security could learn from Bolivia’s treatment of protesters.
Town Council Votes To Rename Statue Of Robert E. Lee #~# Hear why residents of Bedford, VA believe now is the right time to change the name of the 14-foot-tall Confederate statue.
Tennessee Titans Face Coronavirus Outbreak #~# The Tennessee Titans have suspended all in-person activities after three players and five team personnel members tested positive for coronavirus Tuesday, though no decision has been made yet on whether the team will play the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday as scheduled. What do you think?
Highlights From The First 2020 Presidential Debate #~# The first debate of the presidential election between President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden was held in Cleveland, Ohio, on Tuesday night. The Onion looks at the highlights from the debate.
Post-Debate Poll Finds Majority Of Viewers Agree America Was Waste Of Time #~# WASHINGTON—Mere hours after the closure of the first 2020 presidential debate, an Onion-Zweibel Poll released Wednesday found that the vast majority of viewers agree America was a complete waste of time. “In the wake of the contentious clash between former Vice President Biden and President Donald Trump, we’re seeing nearly 63% of debate viewers expressing their strong feelings that the United States of America never should have happened in the first place,” said chief pollster Dr. Elias Ross, explaining that when discussing the existence of America, 53% of those surveyed described themselves as “annoyed” or “infuriated,” while 17% thought the country was a total waste of the past 243 years, and only 1% asserted that they continued to have neutral or positive feelings toward the nation. “Meanwhile, a plurality of our sample believe that we should take the unprecedented step of simply canceling America from here on out, saying that it contributed nothing of substance to their lives and actually made their outlook for the future substantially worse. Overall, these are very low numbers for America at this stage in the republic. Frankly, I can’t see how the country turns things around.” Ross added that one survey participant after viewing the 90-minute debate had even gone so far as to call Thomas Jefferson “unhinged” and “behaving like a crackhead” for ever putting forth the idea of representative democracy.
Stunned Pundits Criticize Trump For Refusing To Denounce His Base #~# CLEVELAND—After failing to condemn the group’s violent behavior and rhetoric during the first presidential debate, President Donald Trump came under fire from stunned political pundits Wednesday  for refusing to denounce his base. “I’ve been reporting on these debates for decades, and frankly, I don’t know what the president was thinking when he declined to clearly and openly disavow thousands of violent, radicalized people who his reelection dearly depends on,” said ABC’s George Stephanopoulos, who, along with flabbergasted pundits from CNN, MSNBC, and CBS, noted that the president had several opportunities to distance himself from the people upon which his entire image, campaign, and presidency relied, and yet ignored them all. “How can Trump, as the sitting president, get away with this type of behavior that he’s totally normalized at every turn? It really shouldn’t be that hard for him to look at the camera, say their names, and then denounce his stalwart supporters whose votes are crucial for an election victory.” At press time, political pundits blasted Democratic candidate Joe Biden for refusing to explicitly denounce the extreme pro-Green New Deal rhetoric on the left.
‘And The Crowd Heads For The Exit!’ Yells Child Dribbling Out Clock In Imaginary 19-Point NBA Finals Victory #~# PARSONS, KS—Inbounding the ball to himself after intentionally fouling himself for the third straight possession, local child Owen Cooper reportedly yelled, “The crowd heads for the exit” Wednesday while dribbling out the clock during an imaginary 19-point NBA Finals blowout. “NBA finals, everything on the line—he stalls, he stalls, the fans are checking their cell phones!” shouted Cooper to himself as he dribbled in place in his driveway before sitting down to imagine a 90-second TV timeout. “The starters have left the floor! He’s intentionally fouled again with 1:21 remaining! He makes both free throws to push the lead to 21. The Lakers are on their way to a 3-1 series!” At press time, Cooper had been called inside by his mother with 22 seconds remaining in the imaginary game because it was getting too dark out.
How Biden Can Beat Trump #~# With the election around the corner, Democratic Party candidate Joe Biden is fine-tuning his campaign to unseat incumbent President Donald Trump, his Republican Party opponent. The Onion looks at key factors that could help Biden defeat Trump and win the presidency. If this is not your preferred outcome, you can find out how Trump can beat Biden here.
Neighbors Remember Shooter As Regular Guy Who Loved Unhinged Extremist Rhetoric #~# HUDSON, VA—In the aftermath of a mass shooting that left two people dead and several others badly injured, neighbors reportedly remembered shooter Duane Simmons Tyler Wednesday as a regular guy who loved unhinged exterminationist rhetoric. “It’s so tragic hearing about what Duane did when we all knew him as this decent neighbor who kept his property clean and often expressed a desire to eradicate Muslims and Jews from the face of the earth,” said neighbor Payton Landry, who added that he had attended a delightful barbecue where Tyler had held forth on the Great Replacement theory about a month before the shooting. “I mean, Duane was just a regular guy with a wife, a stockpile of guns, and two kids who he loved more than anything in the world because they would help challenge the attempt by people of non-European descent to eliminate the white race. He was pretty active in the community as the assistant coach of his son’s T-ball team and on Facebook proclaiming that anyone with left-wing beliefs should be shot on sight.” Neighbors added that the mass shooting led them to ask themselves why he’d do something like that and whether there were any warning signs they could have picked up on to stop the tragedy.
Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line #~# Hear why placing your hands on another person’s hips and swaying rhythmically, even for just a few beats of the drum, can be greatly beneficial for one’s mental health.
Falcon Sick Of Everyone Assuming He And Falconer Friends #~# MATTOON, IL—Explaining that he prefers to keep his work life separate from his personal life, local falcon Saber confirmed Wednesday that he is sick of everyone assuming he and his falconer are friends. “Ted is fine and we’re both civil when I hang out on his leather glove, but I definitely consider him an acquaintance at most,” said the 6-year-old peregrine falcon, adding that his handler is good at his job, but considering they are two separate species, they don’t have much in common. “Once I’m done flying, I like to go home to my own cage or go out with my falcon buddies. If I saw Ted after work, I’d probably just pretend I had my little hood on and hope he’d take the hint. He’s mentioned his kids once or twice, but I never ask for more information because I’m not interested in getting to know him better. Nice enough guy, though.” The bird of prey denied any rumors that he and Ted were hooking up, but acknowledged that he would be open to a relationship if the right falconer came along.
Scientists Say Time Travel Without Paradoxes Theoretically Possible #~# Researchers at the University of Queensland have released a new mathematical study that claims any changes made by a time traveler visiting the past would self-correct, creating a new timeline that may be altered but not drastically different. What do you think?
ANNOUNCEMENT: We’re Proud To Announce The Onion Gamer Expo: A Weeklong, In-Person Video Game Conference Unafraid To Kick-Start The Resurgence In Our Global Pandemic #~# Here at the Onion Gamers Network, we have long operated under the principle that in an age of universal cowardice, to act bravely in support of video games is a revolutionary act. As such, our editorial board was saddened but unsurprised to see virtually all of the industry’s trade organizations fold under the pressure of a mere globe-spanning pandemic: E3, GDC, the Tokyo Game Show, and more gave in to the spineless alarmists who put public health over the importance of game expos. Ultimately, our hand was forced.
‘That’s It, I’m Voting For Him,’ Says Undecided Voter Impressed By Poised Chris Wallace #~# BUCKEYE, AZ—Announcing during the presidential debate that he had made up his mind about who to support in the upcoming election, local undecided voter Alan Wills reportedly stated, “That’s it, I’m voting for him,” Tuesday after being impressed by poised moderator Chris Wallace. “That man has got my vote,” said Wills of the Fox News host, adding that Wallace seemed to have the best grasp of the issues of the three men onstage and didn’t lower himself to cheap attacks. “He seems like the only one up there who actually wants to talk seriously about things that ordinary Americans are concerned about, and he also has the right temperament for the job. When this debate started, I was definitely on the fence, but while Trump and Biden are up there bloviating, this Wallace guy is staying calm and asking good questions, plus he appears to really care about the answers. I’m voting Wallace for sure.” Wills added that he hadn’t made up his mind this early about who to vote for since the strong first-debate performance during the 2012 election by Jim Lehrer.
Trump Stokes Crime Fears By Having Mike Pompeo Disguise Self As Cat Burglar, Rob Him On Debate Stage #~# CLEVELAND—Letting out a forced gasp at the phony mugging, President Donald Trump stoked fears surrounding crime Tuesday by having Secretary of State Mike Pompeo disguise himself as a cat burglar and rob him on the debate stage. “Oh no, look, it’s a violent Antifa thug sent here by Joe Biden to rob me!” said Trump, exclaiming that these types of thefts would happen more and more if liberals raise taxes while a black-clad Pompeo stuffed the president’s wallet into a sack emblazoned with a dollar sign. “Yikes! I want to call the cops on this very, very bad guy, but there aren’t any police around because Black Lives Matter got rid of them! I should never have come to this Democrat-run city!” At press time, William Barr came out disguised as a doctor to treat Trump’s injuries and then charged him $50,000, explaining that the high price tag was due to the exorbitant insurance premiums caused by the ACA.
Biden, Trump Meet In First Presidential Debate #~# Former Vice President Joe Biden and President Donald Trump will go head-to-head in Cleveland, Ohio, tonight in the first of three scheduled debates, with topics focusing on Covid-19, the economy, and the Supreme Court. What do you think?
California Firefighters Massage 2.5 Million Gallons Of Moisturizer Into Forests To Prevent Dryness #~# SANTA ROSA, CA—Reminding the public that “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection reportedly massaged 2.5 million gallons of moisturizer into parched state forests Tuesday to break the cycle of dryness that has led to continual flare-ups. “The number one cause of forest fire breakouts is dry brush, which is best treated by saturating the affected area with a lubricating cream designed to lock in moisture,” said California Fire Chief Thom Porter as he gently worked three quarts of lavender-scented lotion into the rough, cracked trunk of a 300-foot redwood. “We chose a hypoallergenic, coconut milk-based emulsion that not only replenishes lost chloroplast lipids, but also uses a hyaluronic acid to boost the brushwood’s natural moisture production, ensuring our vegetation remains thoroughly hydrated without developing oily bark. We’ll be applying the cream in gentle, circular motions from the Bay Area down through the Sierra Nevada region and all the way up to the Oregon border. Then we’ll follow with a gentle SPF 30 setting spray to prevent further sun damage to the already crispy leaves.” Porter added that while the program is expensive, taxpayers save millions thanks to state prison inmates, who are paid $1 per acre to administer the forests’ autumn exfoliation regimen.
Nation To Take Five #~# WASHINGTON—Unveiling a plan to enjoy a few minutes to themselves before diving back in, the nation’s populace announced its intention Tuesday to take a fiver. “Looks like we’ve got some time to stretch our legs, chitchat, maybe grab a granola bar before we have to meet back here again,” said resident Brett Combs, echoing the sentiment of millions of Americans who pledged to be back in their places at the top of the hour, refreshed and ready to go. “It’s not that long a break, so we’ll probably just check Twitter or send a text, although if we head out right now we might be able to grab a quick cup of coffee at the place around the corner.” At press time, the nation announced its plan to delay a couple more minutes until everyone was back. 
White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October #~# Initial timelines have estimated a Covid vaccine could be available by early 2021, but according to the White House, we may have something even sooner. Hear why the Trump administration believes they will have some kind of sharp thing to puncture your skin and inject you with before the election.
Grandmother Hopes Leaving 600 Pounds Of Old Newspapers To Grandson Doesn’t Make His Cousins Jealous #~# DORMONT, PA—Emphasizing that she loved each of her seven grandchildren equally, local grandmother Esther Horn was reportedly hoping Tuesday the 600 pounds of old newspapers she was leaving to her grandson wouldn’t make his cousins jealous. “I don’t want it to seem like I’m playing favorites here, but I already promised Connor all my Post-Gazettes,” said Horn, who had begun labeling the dozens of stacks of yellowing periodicals with the 23-year-old’s name so he would know which piles of things were his when the time came. “I know he’s had his eye on them ever since he pointed and asked, ‘Why are those there?’ I’m just crossing my fingers the rest of them will be able to handle this like adults. No one will leave empty-handed. There are still plenty of Woman’s World magazines to go around. And of course, everyone will get one of the boxes of rinsed-out tuna cans sitting in my attic.” At press time, Horn was devastated a feud had already erupted after catching her oldest granddaughter trying to sneak a stack of the old newspapers out of the house.
Astronaut To Vote From Space #~# For the second time in her career, NASA astronaut Dr. Kate Rubins will cast her vote for president from space, electronically forwarding her ballot from the International Space Station to Mission Control in Houston. What do you think?
Doing Their Part: Nintendo Is Encouraging Gamers To Register To Vote And Write In Mario For President #~# This  is really inspiring, gamers. With the coming election less than five weeks away, we need all hands on deck to make sure our democracy continues to flourish. Thankfully, the gaming legends at Nintendo are doing their part with their new “Switch the Polls” campaign that encourages gamers to register to vote and write in Mario for president.
Trump Nominates Judge Amy Coney Barrett To Supreme Court #~# President Trump announced Judge Amy Coney Barrett as his nominee for the Supreme Court, a former clerk for Justice Antonin Scalia who at 48 would be the youngest justice on the court if she is confirmed. What do you think?
GOP Says Giving Trump Second Term Would Be Christian Act Of Charity For Poor Elderly Man #~# WASHINGTON—Observing that scripture calls upon the faithful to care for the downtrodden and dispossessed, top GOP leaders argued Monday that giving President Donald Trump a second term would be a Christian act of charity for a poor, elderly man. “The First Epistle of John tells us God’s love abides in those who open their hearts to a brother in need—so surely, as followers of Christ, we cannot turn this impoverished man out of his office,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who explained that the reelection of Trump would fulfill a sacred duty by providing the penniless vagrant with housing, a hot meal every day, and a sense of purpose. “Just ask yourselves, what would the Lord do if He came upon an ailing, impoverished man such as our president? To stay upon the righteous path, we must give Donald Trump another four years in the White House. It’ll take at least that long for him to get back on his feet.” McConnell went on to emphasize that without America’s help, the poor man who serves as the nation’s chief executive could one day end up in jail.
BREAKING: ‘The Onion’ Has Obtained The IRS Tax Form 1040 #~# The duty of a free press has always been to provide readers with a comprehensive and unvarnished picture of the world writ large. Though governments and their officials may strive to conceal vital documents from the public eye, The Onion insists that true journalism consists in shedding light upon even the darkest corners of our society. That is why today, thanks to the intrepid actions of one anonymous source, our editorial board has chosen to reveal that it possesses a copy of the IRS tax form 1040.
Panicked Woman Scrambles To Write Down ‘$750’ Before 24-Hour News Cycle Wipes Memory Clean #~# DULUTH, ID—Throwing open drawers and tossing the entire contents on the floor as part of her desperate search, local woman Lisa Rhodes was reportedly scrambling Monday to find a pen and paper to write down “$750” before the 24-hour news cycle completely wiped her memory clean. “Come on, come on, there’s got to be a marker or maybe a lipstick or something somewhere I can use to remind myself,” said the increasingly frantic Rhodes, repeating the words “Federal Income Tax’’ over and over to herself as the knowledge of the bombshell report outlining the president’s chronic tax avoidance already began to fade. “Here we are...have to remember...Federal...Federal...Donald Trump did...something bad...with The New York Times? Damn, it’s gone.” At press time, a confused Rhodes was staring at a slip of paper featuring a handwritten number “7,” which she could only assume had something to do with the upcoming Supreme Court nomination fight. 
Republicans Argue Referring To Amy Coney Barrett As ‘Trump’s Court Pick’ Carries Deeply Anti-Catholic Undertones #~# WASHINGTON—Accusing their Democratic opponents of using coded language to stir up prejudice among the electorate, Republicans argued Monday that references to Amy Coney Barrett as “Trump’s court pick” carried deeply anti-Catholic undertones. “To attack Judge Barrett’s faith by calling her ‘President Trump’s nominee for the Supreme Court’ is to engage in a long and shameful tradition of thinly veiled insults aimed at Catholics,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, adding that 19th-century Irish and Italian immigrants to the United States could hardly have been met with an epithet as hateful as “Donald Trump’s choice to fill the vacancy left by the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.” “For Americans who adhere to the teachings of Catholicism, painful memories are conjured up each time someone says a person is ‘almost certain to be confirmed to the highest court in the land by a slim majority of Republicans.’ We have freedom of religion in this country, and to hear Democrats resort to such anti-Catholic dog whistles is frankly disgusting.” At press time, McConnell asserted that his critics on the left wouldn’t have disparaged Barrett’s faith if she were a “filthy Muslim.”
Townspeople Declare We All Decent Folks Round These Parts Who Don’t Want No Trouble #~# LOWELL TOWNSHIP—Announcing their longstanding policy of keeping to themselves mostly, local townspeople declared Monday that they were all decent folks round these parts and didn’t want no trouble. “We’re just simple folk and don’t need no out-of-towners coming down and stirring up a fuss,” said shop proprietor Tom Smith, confirming that residents of their small village simply wanted to mind their business and didn’t have no truck with no rabble-rousers who come to disturb the peace with a bunch of questions. “Don’t go sticking your nose where it don’t belong, you hear me? Besides, we ain’t heard nothing about what you’re talking about, so just go away and leave us be!” At press time, Smith joined his fellow townspeople from peering out from behind shopfronts with an unmistakable air of keeping something hidden. 
FBI Demands Apple’s Assistance In Opening iPhone Packaging #~# WASHINGTON—Insisting it was the tech giant’s civic duty to cooperate with authorities in such matters, the Federal Bureau of Investigation reportedly contacted Apple Monday to demand its assistance in opening an iPhone 11’s packaging. “It is absolutely imperative that Apple grant us access to the contents of this box,” said FBI director Christopher A. Wray,  explaining that his old phone was not working right and, as a matter of national security, Apple must immediately send experts to Washington who could “crack open” the plastic and cardboard encasing his new device. “You can’t hide what’s in here from us. It is simply impermissible. Going forward, Apple should be required to provide federal agents with a way to get past all this shrink wrap on their own, as well as some guidance as to whether this button here is for turning the phone on or what, exactly?” At press time, sources confirmed Apple had defied the bureau’s demands, claiming that each iPhone’s packaging had to remain intact to prevent a massive breach of user privacy.
Everything We Know About ‘Amnesia: Rebirth’ #~# Fall is upon us, and with it comes the perfect season for another installment from one of the best examples of the survival horror genre. That’s right, gamers. Turn off the lights and get ready for terror. Here’s everything we know about Amnesia: Rebirth.
Biden Removes ‘Defeating Trump’ From Platform To Avoid Alienating Swing Voters #~# WILMINGTON, DE—In an effort to improve outreach ahead of the upcoming presidential election, the Joe Biden campaign announced Monday that it was removing “defeating Trump” from its platform to avoid alienating swing voters. “This election is a time when we all need to come together, not cause divisiveness by focusing on trying to oust a candidate who millions of Americans support,” said Biden, the Democratic presidential nominee, announcing that he was removing all mention of trying to beat the incumbent Republican president from his campaign website and subsequent speeches. “How is making ‘defeat Trump’ a central part of my campaign platform going to play with Trump supporters? Trump voters are a huge constituency, especially in crucial swing states like Pennsylvania and Wisconsin, and it’s going to be tough to win them over if we keep alienating them with our rhetoric. We want a broad coalition here, which includes Trump supporters, and so going forward we’re eliminating any negative remarks about Donald Trump in campaign ads and speeches. It’s time to take a stand and say that defeating Trump is simply not what the Biden campaign stands for.” Reports from the Biden campaign also indicated that strategists were gaming out how many swing-state Trump supporters they would win over if they formally endorsed the president’s reelection.
Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park #~# Hear what steps Disney workers are taking to keep parkgoers safe from the bloodthirsty beast.
Botticelli Portrait Expected To Sell For Over $80 Million #~# A 550-year-old painting of a young nobleman by Renaissance master Sandro Botticelli is expected to sell for well over $80 million when it goes to auction next year, due in part to it being one of just 12 known portraits attributed to the artist. What do you think?
Epic Games, Spotify, Match Group Band Together To Fight Apple’s App Store Policies #~# Spotify, along with the developers behind Tinder and Fortnite, have announced a new nonprofit called the Coalition for App Fairness that seeks regulatory changes to Apple’s app store policies, which the group claims are anti-competitive and bad for consumers. What do you think?
The Onion’s Guide To Streaming Services #~# Streaming services have proliferated in recent years as content-watching habits change, and it can be hard to choose from all the options. To help, The Onion has compiled a guide to the various content streaming services.
Reporter Presses Biden On Lack Of Own Plan To Trigger Widespread Violence #~# WASHINGTON—Questioning the former vice president’s preparedness for the nation’s highest office, CNN reporter Jim Acosta pressed presidential candidate Joe Biden Friday on his lack of a plan to trigger widespread violence across the U.S. “Sir, we are weeks away from the election and yet you still haven’t offered your own comprehensive policies to ensure that Americans continue to be killed and brutalized in the streets,” said Acosta, urging the Democratic nominee to highlight the concrete steps he would take as president to provoke bloodshed on a massive scale. “What message does it send to voters when you criticize President Trump’s actions without offering a contrasting vision for terrorizing vulnerable citizens to the point that fear of bodily harm becomes a fact of daily life?” Acosta went on to critique Biden for never publicly disavowing the hordes of immigrants illegally casting ballots for him. 
Tom Perez Warns He Will Detonate Explosive Vest At Midnight Unless Democrats Meet Fundraising Goal #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to boost campaign contributions before election day, Tom Perez warned Friday that he will detonate his explosive vest at midnight unless Democrats meet their fundraising goal. “As the election quickly approaches, we urge our supporters to please act quickly to ensure that I don’t blow myself up in a crowded public place,” said the DNC chair, explaining that even a small donation of $5 or $10 would go a long way toward preventing hundreds of lives being senselessly lost in a preventable suicide bombing. “Without your monetary support, Biden and vulnerable Democratic senators are at risk of being turned to a smoldering pile of ash and bone.” At press time, Perez’s threat to kill himself if the goal was not met had caused DNC donations to drop significantly.
Bill Barr Declares Ipswich Middle School Anarchist Jurisdiction After Finding ‘Circle-A’ Symbol Drawn On Notebook Cover #~# IPSWICH, MA—In an effort to restore the rule of law, Attorney General Bill Barr declared Ipswich Middle School an anarchist jurisdiction Friday after finding a circle-A symbol scrawled on a notebook cover. “We’ve discovered verifiable evidence that this middle school is a hotbed of left-wing extremism,” said Barr of the anarchist symbol, which was discovered sketched onto the spiral-bound notebook in ink along with several interior lined pages containing a crudely drawn penis and the number 666. “Ipswich School District administrators have clearly allowed this junior high to become a place where chaos and violence flourish. The Department of Justice will not tolerate this dangerous radicalism. If these Democratic leaders have any sense, they’ll deploy the National Guard to this building immediately.” At press time, Barr had pledged to cut whatever smidgen of federal funding the public school was receiving. 
Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit #~# Hear what led researchers to conclude that the bird of prey is absolutely gaga for booger sugar.
‘I Can’t Wait For Things To Get Back To Normal,’ Says Woman Spending Friday Night Dining With Friends In Crowded Indoor Restaurant #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—Feeling overtaxed from all the ways the Covid-19 pandemic had impacted her life, local 34-year-old Anne Theisen reportedly said “I can’t wait for things to get back to normal” Friday night while dining with her friends in a crowded indoor restaurant. “Ugh, how much longer is this going to go on?” said Theisen, who vented her frustrations to her three closest friends over drinks and appetizers at the group’s favorite hangout spot, which they had frequented an average of three to four times a month since June. “This pandemic has been awful. I can’t take it anymore. I just feel so isolated all of the time [outside my regular gatherings with family and friends every weekend and most weeknights]. I miss going to stores, bars, and restaurants [like the one we’re in] so much. God, it’ll be so nice when this is all over [and I can continue doing what I’m doing now].” At press time, Theisen added she couldn’t even remember the last time she had seen her parents, which was earlier this week.
Russia Arrests Cult Leader ‘Jesus Of Siberia’ #~# Russian authorities on Tuesday arrested 59-year-old Sergei Torop, who calls himself Vissarion the Teacher and who claims to be the reincarnation of Jesus, in a remote Siberian hamlet where he lives with thousands of his followers. What do you think?
Most Anticipated Games Of The Fall #~# Autumn is often one of the crowning seasons of gaming, and with a slate including heady sci-fi adventures to sequels and reboots of classic franchises, the end of 2020 has no shortage of major titles to keep every sort of gamer busy. These are OGN’s most anticipated games being released this fall.
Fox News Slams Democrats For Repeatedly Attempting To Undermine Confidence In Autocratic System #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that the party’s rhetoric around the upcoming election was way out of line, Fox News pundits  slammed Democrats Friday for repeatedly attempting to undermine confidence in the nation’s autocratic system. “Anyone questioning what President Trump will do on election night or afterwards is participating in a very dangerous effort to get Americans to mistrust the basic tenets of this country’s autocracy,” said  Sean Hannity on his broadcast, sharply criticizing Senate majority leader Chuck Schumer, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and other Democratic leaders for inferring that their party would attempt to subvert bedrocks of American autocracy like the supreme executive leader and the peaceful consolidation of power. “The Democrats’ rhetoric is exactly why so many people in this country feel like they can’t even trust the autocratic system. The entire one-party system we live under will disintegrate before our eyes if people lose faith in the process. Fortunately, the autocratic process in this country is very strong, so it’ll take more than a few critical words to destroy it, but what they’re doing is flagrant and dangerous. Our country is an autocracy, okay? It just is. If you don’t like it, you can go to Scandinavia.” At press time, the Democrats responded that they refused to let Trump and the Republicans try to ruin the future of the nation’s plutocracy.
California To Ban Sales Of New Gas-Powered Cars By 2035 #~# California governor Gavin Newsom signed an executive order Wednesday that would outlaw the sale of new gas-powered cars and pickup trucks starting in 2035 in an effort to combat global warming. What do you think?
Literary Journal Founded By Couple Of College Acquaintances To Cease Publication #~# NEW YORK—Citing high operating costs and a continued industry trend away from physical media, the founders and editors-in-chief of Alethia, a literary journal created by a couple people who went to college together, announced Thursday that it would be ceasing publication. “It is with a heavy heart that we must announce that the Fall 2020 issue will be our last, but we want to express our gratitude to our devoted readers who have been with us ever since our founding in 2017,” said editor Murat Dunny, sharing his appreciation to all those who had believed in the journal’s mission of fostering an artistic dialogue through a unique mix of poetry, fiction, and screenplays written exclusively by members of his alma mater. “Though our run did not last as long as we had anticipated, we nonetheless provided an important artistic home for some classmates we knew who received our email asking for submissions. Since its inception, Alethia has striven always to take inspiration from the journal’s unofficial mascot, Calliope, the muse of epic poetry, and seek out the ecstatic harmony of the artistic voice, and so we want to say thank you to everyone who thumbed through an issue in our college’s bookstore or received a free copy for donating to our GoFundMe for sharing this incredible journey with us.” Dunny added his hope that the journal’s legacy would live on in the form of two current seniors talking about starting a flash fiction zine after they graduated. 
Fantasy Football Week 3: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# With a rash of injuries to fantasy stars like Saquon Barkley and Christian McCaffrey, NFL Week 3 is going to be an unpredictable roller coaster ride. Onion Sports fantasy expert Gary Borkowski is here to lend a helping hand with his top players to start or sit.
Undecided Voter Silently Crouching Inside Drain Pipe As Convoy Of Political Analysts Passes Overhead #~# CANTON, OH—In an effort to conceal himself from sight, local undecided voter Jeff McNealy reportedly crouched inside a concrete drain pipe Thursday and remained completely silent as he waited for a convoy of political analysts and reporters to pass by on the road above. “I’m just praying that swarm of election correspondents doesn’t check down here, put a microphone in my face, and ask which way I’m leaning,” McNealy whispered as he crawled through the dark, wet tunnel in hopes of losing the pundits who have tirelessly staked out every swing-state diner, park, and farmers market in the nation as they attempt to gauge the mood of voters still on the fence in the presidential race. “I think I threw them off my trail, but you never know. One false move and I’m in for hours of unrelenting interrogation about whether the pandemic, the economy, or court appointments will be weighing most heavily upon my mind when I head to the polls in November. I’d best follow this sewer pipe as far as it goes and hope I can survive down here until Election Day.” At press time, sources confirmed a TV news chopper was combing the area with a searchlight following reports that an Obama-to-Trump voter had been spotted.
Rob Manfred Confident MLB Doing Enough To Market Stars Like Mike Trout And The Japanese Guy #~# NEW YORK—Downplaying reports that youth interest in the sport was steadily declining, commissioner Rob Manfred told reporters Thursday that he was confident that the MLB was doing enough to market its star players such as Mike Trout and “Japanese guy.” “We know that stars help sell the sport and that’s why we’re putting all our resources behind that Dominican dude, Aaron something, and that guy with the beard who is real good,” said Manfred, crediting Clayton Kershaw and “some of the other Dodgers” as bonafide superstars who can help grow the game on a global scale. “Some people might say that we no longer have household names, but that clearly isn’t true when you look at a guy like the second or third baseman of the Mets. We can definitely do more community outreach projects to put that one guy in front of young people, but we’re doing just fine. I’m always encouraged to see how many Number 55 jerseys are flying off the shelves these days. Plus, I just saw a somebody holding a bat in a Nike commercial, so that’s a pretty good sign.” Manfred ended his press conference by saying that as long as Derek Jeter was still playing, baseball would always have a recognizable face of the sport.
Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value #~# It’s the simple and surefire way to increase the resale value of your home. We have everything you need to know before making the investment and adding the actor, director, and two-time Sexiest Man Alive.
Rare Books Stolen In Heist Found Under House In Romania #~# Police in Romania uncovered $3.2 million in rare books and manuscripts including first editions of works by Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei hidden in a secret compartment underneath a house, which authorities believe were stolen in a London warehouse heist in 2017. What do you think?
Xi Jinping Critic Sentenced To 18 Years In Prison #~# Chinese business tycoon Ren Zhiqiang was sentenced Tuesday to 18 years in prison on corruption charges, which legal observers believe is likely retaliation for penning an essay earlier this year in which he called President Xi Jinping “a clown stripped naked who insisted on continuing being emperor.” What do you think?
Mitt Romney Backs Filling Supreme Court Vacancy Before Election #~# Utah Senator Mitt Romney announced his support Tuesday for confirming a new Supreme Court Justice before the November election, clearing the way for President Trump’s nominee despite publicly holding the opposite stance when President Obama nominated Merrick Garland in 2016. What do you think?
New Patriotic 1776 Commission Struggling To Find Ways To Improve Upon Education System’s Existing Propaganda #~# WASHINGTON—Frantically scouring textbooks to find sections in need of revision, members of President Donald Trump’s new patriotic 1776 Commission struggled Wednesday to find ways to improve upon the education system’s existing propaganda. “We cut out every mention of Native Americans, but I’m not sure how else we could improve the misleading information,” said Princeton historian Sean Wilentz, detailing the commission’s incremental changes to curricula, such as omitting the fact that John Adams, Samuel Adams, and Thomas Paine were the only Founding Fathers who didn’t own slaves. “We did find that most public schools don’t discuss the men who helped Betsy Ross sew the American flag. Other than that, there isn’t too much to change unless we pretend the Vietnam War never happened. Or I guess we could emphasize the plight of former slave owners during Reconstruction.” At press time, the 1776 Commission was editing a section on Abraham Lincoln to clarify that “he had a gun on him” at the time of his assassination. 
Potential Outcomes For Ginsburg’s Vacant Supreme Court Seat #~# The passing of Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has led to a flurry of speculation and controversy about what will happen with her seat so close to the presidential election and several key Senate elections. The Onion looks at potential outcomes for the late justice’s vacant Supreme Court seat.
Hiker Wandering Through Oregon Forest Enjoying Vibrant Reds And Golds Of Fall #~# SUMMER LAKE, OR—Saying the blazing orange hues always put him in a certain autumnal state of mind, local hiker Jeff Sanders spent Wednesday morning wandering through an Oregon forest to enjoy the vibrant reds and golds of fall. “Boy, it’s incredible to get out of the city and see the beauty and splendor of nature up close and personal,” said Sanders, exclaiming that he loved the sound of charred leaves crackling below his feet before approaching a nearby birch tree to enjoy the particular warmth of its radiant leaves. “It seems like I get a chance to soak up fall’s spectacular displays a little earlier every year, too. Gosh, it’s so bright, it’s almost blinding!” At press time, Sanders had commented on how wonderful it was to take a deep breath and relish the scents of autumn before doubling over into a coughing fit and collapsing to the ground.
NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon #~# WASHINGTON—Following years of speculation by the world’s foremost astronomers, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration confirmed Monday that the Earth is dating the Moon. “The two have been seen together regularly for the past 4.5 billion years, and we have now learned that Earth and its Moon are indeed in a committed relationship,” said NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine, adding that while the pair of astronomical objects first met shortly after the solar system coalesced and were good friends through much of the Precambrian era, they didn’t begin dating exclusively until this spring. “It’s a long-distance relationship as the couple are at times a full 252,088 miles apart from each other, but neither one seems likely to leave the other anytime soon. We have every reason to believe there is a strong physical attraction  between these two celestial bodies.” At press time, the Moon had reportedly broken up with Earth after discovering the planet had 7.8 billion children who were completely sucking the life out of it.
Calf Annoyed By Mother Always Giving Guilt Trip About How Vet Had To Stick Chain Up Vagina To Pull Her Out #~# GLADWIN, MI—Snapping tersely at her mom for once again bringing up her complicated labor, 10-month-old cow Honeybun expressed annoyance Wednesday that  her mother was always giving her a guilt trip with the story of how the vet had to stick a chain up her vagina to pull her out. “Oh my god, I get it already, I’ve been trouble since day one when you had to spend six hours in labor with a man shoulder-deep in your birth canal,” said the heifer, adding that while she understood that having a cold, metal calf jack and a pair of 5-foot chains shoved up there wasn’t fun, she also didn’t appreciate it being used against her every time they argued. “Look, I know it sucked to give birth to me and that the vet and three of his assistants had to use their combined weight to yank me out, but I didn’t ask to be born. Sorry my brothers and sisters just kind of fell out of you directly onto the ground, maybe that’s why I’m such a bad child.” At press time, the cow had stormed off after her mother said she couldn’t wait until Honeybun had selfish, ungrateful calves of her own. 
Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards #~# After ongoing public outcry from body positivity experts, hear why many popular napkin brands are changing their messaging today and proclaiming that gravy-stained bodies are beautiful.
Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff #~# Well, this is a huge bummer, gamers, but it’s looking like the witch who hexed us to be infertile until there are 20 main-series Zelda games considers the new Breath Of The Wild prequel to be a spinoff.
Trump Administration Names 3 Cities ‘Anarchy Jurisdictions’ #~# The Department of Justice on Monday named Seattle, Portland, and New York “anarchy jurisdictions,” and President Trump announced he would withhold federal aid from those cities, though constitutional law experts say the order would not likely be upheld in court. What do you think?
‘Schitt’s Creek’ Sweeps Emmys #~# The Canadian television sitcom Schitt’s Creek swept the 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards, taking home nine prizes, including all seven major awards for which it was nominated, and setting a record for most Emmy wins for a comedy series in a single season. What do you think?
Earth Hopes Weird Burning Sensation Nothing Serious #~# LITTLEROCK, CA—Wondering if it should get the stabbing discomfort checked out, Earth reportedly expressed hope Tuesday that a weird burning sensation was nothing serious. “There’s this nagging feeling of burning that seems to be spreading around, and I’m really starting to worry that it’s indicative of a much bigger problem,” said the planet, adding that while it had gotten used to burning sensations in its Amazon and Southeast Asian regions, it was starting to feel new sharp pains in more areas of its astronomical body. “It’s like there are these little flames stabbing into me in North America and Australia and some other places. Usually, these kinds of pains would just go away in a week or two, but now they’re really starting to hurt and lasting longer. I’m getting older, so hopefully the burning sensation isn’t a symptom of some much more serious issue. I have been feeling warmer lately, which I’d say is heat flashes or something, but it doesn’t really seem to be getting better. Man, I hope I’m okay.” Earth added that it was also having trouble breathing lately, but hoped it was just due to seasonal allergies and not some life-threatening condition.
CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It #~# ATLANTA—Outlining their priorities guiding the development and distribution of an immunizing agent against the deadly virus, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly announced Tuesday that children will be the last to receive a Covid-19 vaccine because what are those little twerps going to do about it? “Huh? Huh? If we don’t get around to getting a vaccine that works for you for a long time, what are you going to do, cry?” said CDC director Robert Redfield, demonstrating the agency’s plan for children by holding a vial high above his head where those scrawny wimps wouldn’t be able to reach it. “We’ll make a vaccine and give it to every adult in America but not any of you. You can’t even vote, why should we care what a bunch of pipsqueaks like you want? What are you going to do, tell your mom on us? Yeah, whine about it. Tire yourselves out and take a nap.” The CDC announced that any coronavirus medication would come with “the mother of all child-proof seals” since what could a bunch of stupid little babies do to stop them.
Girlfriend Doing Something With Leaves From Outside #~# SAGINAW, MI—Insisting that no one was allowed to touch the small pile of foliage on the dining room table, local girlfriend Michelle Slagle, 27, was doing something with the leaves from outside, sources confirmed Tuesday. “It could be that these leaves are for a craft project or to make potpourri, but there’s really no way to know,” said boyfriend Ryan Hawkins, adding that Slagle certainly had a plan for the collection of twigs and leaves, given that she had spent the previous weekend methodically collecting the flora and depositing them in a specific spot in their apartment.  “I don’t know whether she’s framing them or if it’s like a scrapbooking thing or what, but she did get really mad when I tried to throw them away. Maybe she’s making a wreath or something. Who knows?” At press time, Slagle claimed she was almost finished after gathering a handful of little pine cones from the woods out back.
Xi Jinping Jails Chinese Tycoon For Failing To Use Sandwich Method Of Constructive Criticism When Condemning Him #~# BEIJING—In an effort to crack down on overly harsh dissent, President Xi Jinping jailed Chinese real estate tycoon Ren Zhiqiang Tuesday for failing to use the sandwich method of constructive criticism when condemning him. “He should have started with something nice, slipped in some feedback on my coronavirus response, and then ended on another compliment,” said Xi, who called the businessman’s criticism of his response to the coronavirus outbreak in the nation “hurtful” as well as “unproductive.” “Look, this isn’t how we do things around here. Instead of attacking by calling me ‘a clown stripped of his clothes,’ he should have started with an ‘I’ statement. This is how the Chinese Communist Party has operated for nearly 100 years, and he knows that. Hopefully, this case can serve as an example to other dissidents thinking about criticizing my regime without first praising my work ethic.” At press time, Xi added his critics should always feel welcome to privately talk one-on-one with him.
Biden Campaigns Door-To-Door In JPMorgan Chase Headquarters #~# NEW YORK—As the Democratic presidential nominee ramped up his in-person efforts to get out the vote, members of the Joe Biden campaign reportedly went door-to-door Tuesday in the JPMorgan Chase headquarters. “Door-knocking is a core part of talking to supporters and getting our message out there, which is why we’re spending the day knocking on each and every office door in the entire building,” said Biden deputy campaign manager Pete Kavanaugh, adding that hundreds of volunteers were reaching out to every wealth manager, data analyst, and investment associate at the 383 Madison building to seek support and donations for the Democratic nominee before canvassing at the headquarters of Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley. “We explain to every potential supporter what a great candidate Biden is and how his vision for the country will make their lives better. We hope to get a commitment to vote, of course, but a little donation doesn’t hurt either. Polls show that the 12th floor is a tossup so we’re definitely focusing on that. A lot of these people were Hillary [Clinton] supporters in 2016, but we’re not taking anything for granted, and the Wall Street demographic represents our key supporters.” At press time, several members of the Biden campaign team expressed disappointment after speaking with several bankers who said they didn’t really see a difference between the two candidates.
Guy Who Asked For Personal Information Definitely Seemed Like Census Taker #~# BANDON, OR—Explaining that the visitor had appeared legitimate for the most part, area man Robert Moralis told reporters the guy who came to his house Tuesday and asked for his personal information definitely seemed like a census taker. “Anyone who wants that many details about that many areas of my life would, I think, just about have to be from the census,” said Moralis, adding that the shaking, profusely sweating man who had what appeared to be fresh blood stains on his pants didn’t present any credentials identifying himself as a census worker, but did carry a clipboard and looked as if he knew what he was doing, more or less. “While I admit it was unexpected, considering I mailed in my census form months ago, I’m sure they have to send people around sometimes to ask a few follow-ups and double-check things. He had a lot of questions about where I do my banking and was really careful to get my Social Security number down correctly, but hey, that’s his job, right? They must keep him busy, too, because he kept looking over his shoulder and as soon as he was finished, he took off running.” Moralis went on to muse over how modernized the census had become, observing that a decade ago they didn’t even bother asking you to provide a complete list of usernames and passwords for all the websites you visit. 
Father Reminds Child He Should Never Ever Handle Gun Unless He’s Super Bored #~# JASPER, IN—Stressing the firearm was for “emergencies only,” local father Kenny Webb reminded his son Nolan that he should never ever handle his gun unless he’s super bored, household sources confirmed Tuesday. “Let me be clear: This gun is not a toy, so you shouldn’t play with it unless you can’t think of anything else to do,” said Webb, who made the 9-year-old promise he would never ever use a kitchen chair to retrieve the pistol from his bedroom closet, which he kept in a red shoebox on the top shelf. “This gun is an absolute last resort. Only take it out if you have exhausted all your video games and movies or if the internet’s running super slow. This is a weapon, not something to show off to your friends, except if they say something like, ‘There’s nothing to do here, let’s go to Ethan’s house’ and you really need to impress them. Do you understand me?” At press time, Webb added he should never ever point the gun at himself or anyone else unless it was part of a hilarious joke.
National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine #~# Part blizzard, part hurricane, part tornado—all destruction. We have the latest on this unprecedented tsunami-hailstorm combination and why many experts believe it could be caused by the villainous Professor Vile and his weather-destabilizing machine.
Airlines Offer Flights To Nowhere #~# Airlines in Japan, Brunei, Taiwan, and Australia have begun offering short flights that take off and land in the same location for people who miss flying, with many flights selling out as soon as they become available. What do you think?
Smoke Alarm Sick Of Being Yelled At For Doing Its Job #~# CHICAGO—Voicing anger over what it described as a severely hostile work environment, a local smoke alarm announced Monday that it was fed up with being yelled at for simply doing its job. “I’m sick and tired of people cursing me out just for telling them their goddamn house is on fire!” said the smoke alarm, which described the abuse it has received when it beeps loudly upon detection of deadly fumes, noting that it has endured comments such as, “Shut the fuck up,” “Fuck you, you piece of shit,” and worse. “You know what my job is? It’s to save your goddamn life. That’s why you bought me, right? If this is the kind of appreciation I get, maybe I should just let you and your whole family sleep the next time there’s smoke billowing down the hallway and a wall of flames blazing toward your bedrooms. How would you like that, huh? ’Cause it would serve you right, asshole.” At press time, the smoke alarm was reportedly engaged in a work stoppage, refusing to provide advance notice of fires until someone finally replaced its dead batteries.
Self-Defense Experts Say Pushing Assailant’s Gun Against Own Forehead Still Best Way To Show You Don’t Care Whether You Live Or Die #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the unmistakable clarity of the dramatic conflict resolution maneuver, top self-defense experts confirmed Monday that seizing the barrel of your assailant’s gun and pushing it against your own forehead remains the foremost method of demonstrating that you no longer care whether you live or die. “Even the average citizen with no martial arts training or combat experience can place their head against the muzzle of a brandished firearm while shouting ‘Do it, if you have the guts’ in order to take control of an armed confrontation,” said defense trainer Kim Marco, stressing that such tactics should be in any street-smart person’s playbook along with pressing one’s neck against an aggressor’s knife until one’s blood is drawn or driving into oncoming traffic during a carjacking. “This is a tried-and-true method of displaying utter disregard for your own meaningless life, causing any self-respecting gunman to believe you’re capable of anything. If it’s not working, something as simple as placing your mouth around the barrel of the gun while maintaining unblinking eye contact is almost guaranteed to resolve things.” Marco added that grabbing your pursuer and jumping off a bridge was nearly as effective, provided you possess basic swimming skills.
L.A. Mayor Unveils Push To End Homelessness By Sending Around Some Pretty Reasonable Zillow Listings #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to help alleviate the city’s worsening crisis, Mayor Eric Garcetti unveiled a new initiative Monday to assist homeless individuals by sending around some Zillow listings that looked pretty reasonable. “We need to act decisively to help our unhoused brothers and sisters, which is why I’ve linked to some nice, modest starter homes that are going for less than market price,” said the mayor in a social media post, urging individuals experiencing homelessness to visit some open houses and put down a deposit immediately to avoid getting into a full-out bidding war with other prospective buyers. “I am calling on all those in our city without a roof over their heads to check out this two-bedroom in Glendale—it’s right by the freeway so it’ll be easy to commute to your job, and the website says it has a resort-style pool, which would be a great way to keep cool during a deadly heatwave. Even if this place isn’t exactly to your taste, you could just buy it now and flip it in a couple years to make quite a tidy profit.” At press time, Garcetti announced that he had further slashed public services since few homeless people had been taking advantage of this generous new program.
Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers #~# Hear why many young professionals saddled with student loan debt are struggling to afford basic necessities, like early access to episodes and exclusive content, despite it being priced as low as $5 per month.
Wildfires Leave Portland With Worst Air Quality In World #~# Fires blazing across the West Coast have left Portland, Oregon with the most polluted air in the world right now according to air-quality monitoring site IQAir, which lists the city’s air as “actively hazardous.” What do you think?
Virtual 2020 Emmy Awards Will Be Live Event #~# The 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards will broadcast live this Sunday hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, with performers and nominees participating from their homes. What do you think?
Fox News Slams CNN For Providing Biden Each Question Seconds Before He Answered It #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing outrage that the network’s moderators would stoop so low on a nationally televised town hall, Fox News pundits slammed CNN Friday for providing Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden each question seconds before he answered it. “Biden’s responses to CNN’s questions clearly show that he’d been tipped off as to what the question was going to be at least several seconds beforehand when it was being asked—how is that fair?” asked Tucker Carlson Tonight host Tucker Carlson, echoing the criticisms of several other conservative media outlets that Biden was given an unfair advantage by getting to hear the entire question before replying. “Seriously, I thought these people learned their lesson after what happened in 2016 with Hillary Clinton, but it’s absolutely clear from the way Biden listens to their questions and responds that he had listened to their questions before responding. This is the kind of bias we have in the media right now. You know that if Donald Trump was at the town hall instead they would make him answer the question before it was asked.” Fox News pundits additionally slammed CNN for unfairly  giving Biden’s campaign advance notice about the town hall’s format, location, and the fact that it was being nationally televised. 
Trump Signs Executive Order Establishing ‘1946 Commission’ To Teach How America Started At President’s Birth #~# WASHINGTON—Telling reporters the organization would help combat decades of left-wing indoctrination about the country’s founding, Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday establishing the “1946 Commission,” a project dedicated to teaching students that America started at the president’s birth. “For too long, liberals have deceived our students into thinking the miracle of this country’s origin stretched back to 1776, when the reality is it didn’t really come together until one beautiful June morning at Jamaica Hospital in Queens, New York,” said Trump, explaining that he had been inspired to create the commission after learning the disturbing fact that 9 in 10 U.S. high school students failed to name a single one of the Trump relatives in attendance at his birth. “One of the most incredible and patriotic moments in the history of the United States occurred when I emerged from my mom’s birth canal, and this commission is going to make sure kids know they have to use that lens to look at pivotal points in the country’s development, like when I got into Wharton or when I renovated the Commodore Hotel. But we also want to make sure kids know more. There are hundreds of beautiful women that I’ve slept with, and these names are being forgotten.” Trump added that the commission would also combat the persistent left-wing propaganda that Barack Obama was the 44th president of the United States.
Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids #~# HOUMA, LA—Expressing disbelief about what he was seeing, local conservative conspiracy theorist Ted Biddle was reportedly outraged Friday after stumbling upon an entire section on Netflix dedicated to kids. “Jesus Christ, this is more fucked up than we ever realized—it says ‘Kids’ right there!” said Biddle, who leapt to his feet and gripped his head in horror as he surveyed the hundreds of TV shows and movies hidden in plain sight on the streaming service’s interface. “Netflix is just a honeypot for pedophiles. They even have it sorted by age group. Disgusting! There’s probably thousands of hours of it in here. The Last Kids On Earth, Loo Loo Kids, ugh, what the hell is Booba? Who are Alexa & Katie? This repulsive one has two elementary school kids hanging out with an adult dressed in nothing but a cape and underpants. Oh no, they even have stuff with animals. This is just awful. I guess that’s sicko Hollywood for you!” At press time, Biddle had drawn the blinds and eagerly lowered himself back onto the sofa so he could check it out.
White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that the vial would be filled with liquid odds and ends, President Donald Trump vowed Friday to have something to stick into your arm by October. “Today, I pledge to all citizens of this great nation that within the next few months, you will be able to go somewhere, sit down, and then pay to have someone to stab you with a long, sharp thing,” said the 45th president of the United States, adding that scientists and doctors were working around the clock to ensure Americans would be the first in the world to get stabbed with the special doohickey loaded with the best medical stuff. “As your leader, I assure you that I’ve seen some of the plans for this thing, and believe me, it could be very affordable, plentiful, painless, or wet. Whatever ends up being attached to that metal poker, Americans will love getting it stuck inside of them, squeezed, and then taken out. It will be perfect.” At press time, President Trump brushed off concerns that early trials of the pointy-doctor-jabby-thing had serious, deadly side effects. 
Effects Of Future Climate Change Migration #~# The rise of massive annual wildfires and hurricanes around the U.S. has shone a spotlight on whether certain areas of the country will be habitable in the future, a reality that would reshape America in many ways. The Onion looks at the effects of future climate change migration.
Scientists Study Brains Of Baseball Fans To Find Out How They Stay Interested During First 7 Innings #~# SEATTLE—Revealing that the mystery has baffled scientists for the past hundred years, researchers at the University of Washington announced Friday that they have been studying the brains of select baseball fans to discover how they manage to stay interested throughout the first seven innings. “Although we have been hard at work for decades, we still have yet to unlock the secret of how a human being could summon the mental fortitude to stay focused on a 1-0 baseball game for hours at a time,” said project lead Vanessa Herrera, who explained that by discovering the special neural connections that these select individuals clearly possess, scientists could finally unlock the full potential of the human mind. “The fact is these humans’ brains have evolved in a special way, the average person would lose focus and walk away by the second inning. We always believed that the human mind required some sort of stimulation to remain absorbed, but this upends all of that. This is a sort of intense, internal focus that we only otherwise see in Buddhist monks. Who knows what we could do as a species if we all had that kind of superhuman concentration and patience?” Herrera added that some baseball fans enter a state of such passive absorption that the only other point of comparison was coma patients.
Exasperated Plumber Explains To Kanye West Why Flushing Awards Bad For Toilet #~# CALABASAS, CA—Reaching into the multi-platinum artist’s overflowing pipes and pulling out several feces-and-toilet-paper-covered trophies, exasperated local plumber Larry DeGroot explained to Kanye West Thursday why flushing large metal awards was bad for his toilet. “Well, I think I found the problem, and that clanking metal noise you’re hearing probably has something to do with all the Grammys, BET Awards, and Moonman you have clogging up the works,” said DeGroot, who after using a snake to extract the dozens of honorary doctorates, certificates, and framed albums from the system, shook his head in disbelief when he found a full 6-feet long Teen Choice Award surfboard banging around in the septic tank. “Look pal, I’m not trying to shame you, but mashing these metal trophies around with a toilet brush or pouring down a ton of Drano is just going to cost you another 1,000 bucks. Trust me, I dealt with the same thing at John William’s house. The worst thing you can do is ignore the problem and keep relieving yourself on top of it until it builds up too much pressure and explodes.” At press time, DeGroot added that it didn’t seem to be all Kanye’s fault, as there also seemed to be several red-carpet gowns, large diamonds, and designer leather pumps flushed down the toilet. 
Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want #~# Hear the heartwarming story of Troop 242, and why this year they decided to put their Girl Scout cookie proceeds to good use and buy a 2020 Corvette Stingray with a 6-liter V8 engine and 400-plus horsepower.
Barbados To Remove Queen Elizabeth As Head Of State #~# The Caribbean island nation of Barbados plans to remove Queen Elizabeth as its head of state by the end of 2021 and become an independent republic. What do you think?
‘Scientific American’ Endorses Presidential Candidate For First Time In 175 Year History #~# Scientific American released an editorial condemning Donald Trump and urging readers to vote for Joe Biden, citing his plans on the coronavirus, health care, and the environment, marking the magazine’s first formal presidential endorsement since it began in 1845. What do you think?
Couple Thankfully Not Well-Liked Enough To Have Superspreader Wedding #~# PORTSMOUTH, NH—Following the bride-and-groom-to-be’s decision to celebrate their union with loved ones despite the ongoing pandemic, sources reported Thursday that local couple Caitlin Hughes and Thomas Radke were thankfully not well-liked enough for their wedding to become a superspreader event. “At first, I thought it was really irresponsible for them to have an in-person ceremony, but then I remembered Tom and Caitlin don’t exactly have a lot of friends, so it should be fine,” said Hughes’ cousin Jackie DiVincenzo, who added that the friends the couple did have weren’t the kinds of people likely to bring a date, or to attend another social event anytime soon, making it unlikely they would spread Covid-19 even if they did contract it at the wedding. “Honestly, they could invite everyone they’ve ever hung out with going back to high school, and we’d still be talking about a pretty low-risk gathering. Their relatives don’t like them much, either, and while some of them will show up, it’s hard to imagine a sizable group actually sticking around for the reception. Even if there’s an open bar, people have better things to do than hang around with those two.” At press time, DiVincenzo confirmed the entire bridal party had returned their RSVPs with regrets.
The Onion’s Fantasy Football Expert Gives His Pro Tips For Managing Your Team #~# Gary Borkowski, Onion Sports resident fantasy football expert and former NFL concessions worker, shares surefire strategies for analyzing matchups, finding overlooked sleeper picks, and scouring the waiver wire to improve your roster.
Democratic Process In Peril As Millions Of Americans Chase After Mail-In Ballots Caught In Wind #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming the nation’s social contract was on the brink of collapse, researchers from Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government warned Thursday the democratic process was in peril as millions of registered voters chased after mail-in ballots caught in a gust of wind. “With 30% of the U.S. electorate currently stumbling through the streets in pursuit of their ballots and shouting, ‘Wait, come back!’ we fear this sudden, powerful gale has overwhelmed our electoral system,” said Professor Alanna Friedman, who estimated the number of uncounted votes would continue to grow as millions more Americans accidentally let go of their absentee ballots upon bending down to tie their unlaced sneakers. “Eligible voters across the country are dodging traffic, colliding with pedestrians, and racing down back alleys as they struggle to catch up to the fluttering slips of paper. There is still a chance enfranchisement could be preserved if the wind blows each ballot in a series of loop-de-loops and then coincidentally deposits it in a mailbox, or if an unwitting stranger thoughtfully picks it up, seals the envelope, and drops it in a slot. But if not, it would seem the fate of the great American experiment will come down to whether voters have the courage to dive into hundreds of rivers and creeks and swim after ballots being rapidly whisked downstream.” At press time, reports from across the country confirmed thousands of stately women in city parks were aghast as they peered through pince-nez at their growling Yorkshire terriers, which had finally caught the nation’s windblown ballots and torn them to pieces.
Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean #~# Okay, gamers, we’re going to level with you here. We’ve got some brand-new PS5 images that by all rights we should be super excited to share with you, but as the time came closer and closer to publishing them we started realizing that we’re actually dreading it because, honestly, you guys can be really fucking mean sometimes. We’re going to show them to you anyway but please try to think about how your words and actions can affect other people.
New SVEN Initiative To Help Young Girls Become Swedish Scientists Who Ski Snowy Slopes #~# STORLIEN, SWEDEN—Stressing the campaign would provide more academic and deep-powder opportunities for female students, the Linköping Project announced their SVEN Initiative Thursday to help young girls become Swedish scientists who ski snowy slopes. “We want to empower women everywhere to realize there is nothing stopping them from joining the field of biotech research or engineering and getting a head of flaxen blonde hair, a fashionable wool Fair Isle sweater, and a minimalist winter château, just like myself,” said Sven Björklund, one of the leaders of the initiative, which will provide girls from the age of 13 to 18 with free access to a complete vinyl collection of ABBA, pastel Klättermusen puffer jackets, and a networking system that would connect them with scientific colleagues named Jans or Otto who can join them for some light après-ski fondue. “Swedish chalets have typically been a very male-dominated space, and changing that all starts with giving girls encouragement to purchase a black turtleneck and a significant amount of pickled herring early in life. Pretty soon, they’ll be throwing back aquavit while belting out a full-throated rendition of ‘Helan Går’ next to a roaring lodge fire.” Björkland also noted that his team based much of their project on Germany’s HAAS Initiative to encourage more boys to become insufferable schnitzel-eating experimental artists who own studios in Berlin.
Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice #~# TAMPA, FL—Expressing concerns that Tampa Bay had not yet undertaken the basic prep he used to do in New England, quarterback Tom Brady confessed Thursday that he wasn’t sure how to ask Buccaneers head coach Bruce Arians for tape of their opponent’s practice. “This is a new system, so I don’t know whether we go over tape of the Panthers’ walkthrough as a team or if I need to study it myself,” said Brady, who conceded that Arians might be too busy working on a game plan and decided to schedule the normal step-by-step breakdown of Carolina’s latest scrimmage and playbook. “I never even had to ask Bill [Belichick], he’d just send an intern my way to debrief me. Bruce hasn’t said anything about it yet, but I need to hunker down in the film room with the exact plays and audibles that the defense is running.  It takes a while to memorize all that, so hopefully coach sends some tape my way soon.” At press time, Brady decided to fly his own cameraman to film the Panther’s practice after a terse meeting with Arians.
Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation #~# On the anniversary of the signing of our nation’s Constitution, hear how the newly authenticated diary entries of Ben Franklin point to his revolutionary theory that electricity could be harnessed from lightning and trained to flow from the clouds to his erect penis, providing immense pleasure.
Madonna To Direct, Co-Write Her Own Biopic #~# Pop icon Madonna announced that she will direct her own biopic, co-written with screenwriter Diablo Cody, about her life and five-decade career. What do you think?
Smoke From California Wildfires Creates Hazy Skies Nationwide #~# Meteorologists say that smoke from California’s record-setting wildfires is now floating in the atmosphere high above a large swath of the country, creating hazy skies as far as New York. What do you think?
Kawhi Leonard Worried He’s Grown Too Accustomed To Fancy Hotel With Free Wi-Fi #~# BAY LAKE, FL—Following his team’s elimination from the NBA playoffs, Los Angeles Clippers star Kawhi Leonard was reportedly worried Wednesday that he had grown too accustomed to living in a fancy hotel with free Wi-Fi. “All of these free soaps, free breakfasts, and an ice maker right down the hall—this is the kind of luxury I’ve never allowed myself before,” said Leonard, lamenting how the team’s defeat to the Denver Nuggets would impact his access to amenities such as fresh towels and his very own in-room coffee machine. “I have a small black-and-white TV back at home, but I can’t watch it from bed, and I certainly don’t have four pillows. It’s been pretty ideal for propping myself up and relaxing with some HGTV. I just hope I can fall asleep at night when I return to my mattress on the floor.” At press time, Leonard had stopped by the breakfast buffet one last time to pocket a couple of Danishes for the road.
Professional Bowler Falls Into Existential Crisis After Realizing There No Way To Know How Deep Finger Holes Go #~# CLERMONT, FL—Begging his wife to promise that his life actually has a purpose and meaning, PBA bowler Norm Duke reportedly fell into an existential crisis Wednesday after realizing there is no way to know how deep finger holes go. “How can anything be knowable if such an impossible problem exists? What if the holes go on forever?” said Duke, who spent six straight hours locked in his bedroom wondering if anything he had ever done actually mattered in the face of such inconceivable vastness inside a bowling ball. “You could spend your entire life and never know how deep those holes are, so how do we know 300 is actually a perfect bowling score? How do I know if I was even good at bowling in the first place? Maybe we are just bowling balls ourselves, being thrown over and over again by an indifferent and uncontrollable universe? How could I possibly know?” At press time, a crazed Duke was being dragged from his home after brandishing a handgun at his bowling ball.
Shocked Americans Never Thought They’d See Forced Sterilization Of Minorities Happen Here Again And Again And Again #~# WASHINGTON—After shocking reports surfaced that doctors at Irwin County Detention Center in Georgia performed forced hysterectomies on female detainees, horrified Americans confirmed Wednesday that they never thought they’d see forced sterilization of minorities happen here again and again and again and again. “As a proud American, it’s almost unimaginable that these kinds of heinous acts could occur on U.S. soil, except for the 64,000 non-white women that were sterilized against their will between 1907 and 1963, and then the thousands more that occurred throughout the 1970s,” said 60-year-old Hank Baker, adding that he believed government-sanctioned eugenics had died eons ago after the U.S. government forcibly sterilized one-third of all women in Puerto Rico, 40% of all Native American women, and tens of thousands of impoverished Black women across the American South. “Aside from the decades worth of forced hysterectomies, tubal ligations, and ‘Mississippi appendectomies,’ revelations like this can really shake your faith in a nation. It’s 2020 for goodness’ sake, how are we allowing something that happened in Indiana, Oklahoma, Virginia, California, Delaware, and 25 other states throughout the 20th century to continue to happen here?” At press time, Baker added that this felt like something that could only happen in Nazi Germany after having been inspired by the American eugenics program.
The Onion’s 2020 Emmy Predictions #~# The 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards, virtually hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, will honor a combination of good and bad things that were on television from the past year. Here are The Onion’s predictions for this year’s winners.
Apple Announces New Watch With Rabbit-Ear Antenna That Can Pick Up 5 Local Channels #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the product as the latest innovation in wearable technology, Apple announced Wednesday that its new smartwatch would feature a rabbit-ear antenna capable of picking up five or more television channels in the area where a user lives. “In addition to improved battery life and a blood-oxygen sensor, the Apple Watch Series 6 includes two 24-inch extendable dipole antennas that allow you to stream over-the-air broadcasts of your favorite TV shows,” said CEO Tim Cook during a keynote presentation in which he wore the new watch and demonstrated how he could adjust the rabbit ears to receive local affiliates of NBC, PBS, and The CW, as well as an independent station airing The 700 Club. “Thanks to the Apple Watch’s dual VHF and UHF capabilities, you can enjoy hit programs such as Criminal Minds, Judge Joe Brown, and TMZ Live any time they are being broadcast. It’s all right there on your wrist. And what’s more, as long as you don’t go anywhere and hold really still, the Series 6 can tune into these channels with minimal static.” Later in the presentation, Cook reportedly unveiled a deluxe, high-end version of the watch that featured wood paneling, tuning knobs, and a color display.
Pope Francis Gets Self Thrown Into Hell As Part Of Plot To Take Down High-Level Demon Ring #~# THIRD CIRCLE, HELL—Claiming that going deep undercover within the adversary’s organization was the only way to destroy the nefarious horde of fiends, Pope Francis reportedly had himself thrown into Hell Wednesday as part of a coordinated attempt to take down a high-level demon ring. “Sometimes the only way out is through,” said the pontiff shortly before stabbing a sodomite with a concealed blade that he had smuggled in from Limbo in an effort to be placed into an even deeper circle and gain the respect and confidence of high-ranking demon bosses. “It took a minute for them to trust me, especially with my background. I know the street-level guys, the flashy ones, everyone does. Still, all the rank-and-file imps were pretty tight-lipped about which hellspawn were actually running the operation. But ever since I stopped Belphegor from eating some tainted brimstone at one of those big family dinners they love so damn much, they seem to think I’m okay.” At press time, Pope Francis reportedly expressed concerns that he may have gotten in too deep after finishing a scuffle in a popular Second Circle hangout by curb stomping the damned soul of Pope Boniface VIII. 
Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal #~# Americans stand united today in their call for television programs to go back to the days when all episodes began with a catchy tune and lyrics that explained the entire concept of the show and its characters.
2020 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade To Be Television-Only Event #~# The 94th Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will not be live this year due to the pandemic, with the event instead featuring pre-taped performances and special vehicles to anchor the enormous balloons normally controlled by hundreds of volunteers. What do you think?
LeBron Finally Reaches Western Conference Finals After 17 Seasons In League #~# LOS ANGELES—Breaking through to accomplish what so many doubters never thought he could do, LeBron James finally reached the NBA Western Conference finals after 17 seasons in the league. “LeBron’s always been on the cusp of greatness, but somehow he’s always fallen short of the Western Conference finals,” said analyst Max Kellerman of the 4-time NBA MVP, admitting it was exciting to think that after years of letting fans down, James might finally hoist the elusive Wester Conference  trophy. “Even with his best rosters on the Cavs and Heat, he could never get over the hump. Magic did it. Kobe did it. But it always seemed like LeBron just didn’t have what it takes. If he can win the Western Conference, it might actually put the formerly disappointing James in the Hall-of-Fame discussion.” At press time, analyst Stephen A. Smith suggested LeBron would never be considered great until he beat Jordan in the playoffs.
Scientists Detect Potential Life On Venus #~# An international team of scientists say that a cloud of phosphine detected in Venus’s atmosphere could be a marker of life on the planet, as non-biological explanations for the toxic gas such as volcanic activity would not produce such a large quantity. What do you think?
‘And These Are My Nobel Peace Prizes,’ Says Trump, Gesturing Toward Room Of Plastic Trophies #~# WASHINGTON—Leading a White House guest on a tour of the Executive Residence, President Donald Trump was overheard Tuesday saying, “And these are my Nobel Peace Prizes,” as he gestured toward a room filled with what appeared mostly to be youth athletic trophies. “This one is for my foreign policy, and these two are the biggest Nobel Peace Prizes, which they give out for the economy,” said Trump, directing his guest’s attention toward a small plastic sculpture of a bowling ball, a pinewood derby trophy from 1995, a coffee mug with the words “Nobel Prize” written in black marker, and a gold-colored figurine of a child practicing karate. “A lot of people don’t know I was the first person to win 150 Peace Prizes in a single year. It’s an incredible accomplishment to achieve—the best ever. Humanity should be very proud. They don’t give a Nobel Peace Prize for swimming every year, but they do when they see someone who really deserves it. Pretty impressive, huh?” Trump reportedly went on to show his guest a Subway rewards card, explaining that the Nobel Committee now just stamped it each time he received a Peace Price because he had already won all the trophies.
Woman Just Wants To Date Guy Who Can Make Her Laugh, Like Cartman #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting that it was tough sometimes to find a man who shared her crude, unfiltered sense of humor, local 29-year-old Stephanie Burton told reporters Tuesday she just wanted to date a guy who could make her laugh, like Cartman. “For me, I’ve been in relationships with a lot of different guys, but at the end of the day, what I need is a hilarious personality that only Cartman has,” said Burton, adding that she could be pretty vulgar sometimes, and she felt like she could always be herself around someone who routinely shouted “Suck my balls” and “Respect mah authoritah.” “So what if he’s short, fat, and mean? After a long day at work, I just want to come home and be cheered up, whether it’s with him pretending to have Tourette’s, calling Kyle a ‘Jew,’ or infecting his friend with HIV. The thing about attraction is that looks may fade, but being my ‘fatty doo doo’ is forever.” At press time, Burton emphasized that while Cartman was fun, for the long term, it might be wiser to date someone sensitive like Butters or a great listener like Mr. Mackey.
Conservative Evangelical Asks God To Give Her Strength To Incorporate Forced Hysterectomies Into Belief System #~# CORDOVA, TN—Praying that the Lord Almighty would help her understand the recent whistleblower reports about Immigration and Customs Enforcement’s treatment of migrant detainees, conservative evangelical woman Melissa Carson reportedly asked God Tuesday to give her strength to incorporate forced hysterectomies into her belief system. “Lord, show me how the forced removal of the uterus from multiple imprisoned women is evidence of our salvation by grace alone,” said the devout evangelical woman, scanning her Bible for a verse or two that might offer a reason for why ICE-affiliated physicians were performing hysterectomies on detained women, many of whom did not speak English and were not given information or choice about the procedures. “I know I’m asking an awful lot of you, Lord, but my religion teaches me that all life is sacred, and although I know you move in mysterious ways, I confess I am confused as to how forced hysterectomies fit into that. You are just testing me, Lord, and I know that, but I am going to need a little bit of divine help to understand this one.” At press time, Carson was praising the Lord for his guidance after remembering that the hysterectomies were completely justified because President Donald Trump was a divine being simply carrying out God’s will.
Man’s Weak, Impotent Sperm Once Again Held Back By Single Condom #~# KING OF PRUSSIA, PA—Failing to even make a dent in the ultra-thin latex barrier, sources confirmed Tuesday that local man Andy Hubbard’s weak, impotent sperm was once again held back by a single condom. “Unlike more virulent men who require two or three condoms to act as birth control, Andy’s spermatozoa has consistently failed to blast through the prophylactic,” a source close to Hubbard said, referring to the 33-year-old’s shriveling flagellum and feeble acrosome as an utterly pathetic combination. “A thin layer of rubber was all it took to stop the sperm from entering the cervix and subsequently creating a weak-willed little baby. It honestly would be a miracle if those frail sperm could even penetrate an egg.” At press time, Hubbard’s sperm had hit a new low after getting stuck in the urethra. 
Blazing Fall Color #~# Dear Loyal, Patriot Readers,
NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape #~# Hear why the NRA believes Bugs Bunny’s long history of curtailing the Second Amendment rights of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam by twisting their firearms in a big bow qualifies the cartoon rabbit for their lowest possible rating.
Snake Lays Eggs Despite Not Being Near Male In 15 Years #~# Herpetologists at the St. Louis Zoo say a 62-year-old ball python has laid a clutch of eggs that are expected to hatch next month, despite the fact that the snake has not been near a male in at least 15 years. What do you think?
Orcas Wage Attacks On Sailing Boats In Spain #~# Authorities say a group of killer whales have been surrounding and then ramming sailboats along the Spanish coast, often damaging the vessels in violent encounters that scientists are calling both concerning and abnormal. What do you think?
Nation Infuriated Sunday Comic Strips Still Wildly Unsynchronized With Weekday Storylines #~# WASHINGTON—Bristling with anger as they paged through the news over breakfast, the nation was reportedly furious this weekend that the narratives of the comic strips in their Sunday papers remained wildly unsynchronized with the plots of their Monday through Saturday counterparts. “Goddamnit, just yesterday I was reading contently about how Funky Winkerbean had placed third in a charity fun-run, and now they’ve dropped that thread entirely for some flashy, full-color story that tells me absolutely nothing about what happens next,” said longtime Indianapolis Star subscriber Dale Terry, 68, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans as he wondered aloud when comic-strip creators would finally be held to account for the completely arbitrary and discontinuous sequencing they inflicted on readers each Sunday. “It’s like the past six days never even happened. And these cartoonists have been doing the same thing—week in and week out—for years. Some of us just want to experience Alley Oop and Gasoline Alley in a properly sequenced chronology, for Christ’s sake! I may just call up the comic-strip syndicates and demand somebody do something about it.” At press time, reports confirmed Terry had forgotten to phone in his demands because he was too busy chuckling at the “Dog Gone Funny” panel in Sunday’s Marmaduke.
Deli Worker Searches For Palest, Mealiest Tomato To Put On Customer’s Sandwich #~# YARMOUTH, MA—Expressing exasperation at the limited field of options that could properly adorn the turkey club, Xpress Fresh worker Greg Sacco reportedly searched through a deli tub Monday for the palest, mealiest tomato that he could put on a customer’s sandwich. “It’s tough, because you really want something perfectly wet and flavorless that will make the bread so soggy it’s basically dissolving, and I’m just not seeing too many great options,” said Sacco as he held up two potential contenders—one that was mostly a colorless stem and another that gave off a putrid scent—before discarding them as inadequate. “You can’t grab the newly sliced stuff on top. You have to really reach down to the bottom and get the stuff that’s been there losing all its taste for a couple days. Ugh, some of these have way too much color. I just want a nice slice that’s bland and slightly gritty. But none of these are really hitting the bar set by that scraggly brown bit of iceberg lettuce that I found. God, what am I supposed to do here?”At press time, Sacco had thrown out the sandwich and settled on just making a ham salad on stale rye to wrongly give to the customer instead of her actual order.
Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless #~# Oh boy, gamers, Microsoft is not gonna be happy about this one! After last week’s $499 price reveal of the  upcoming Xbox Series X, Playstation struck back, printing billions in counterfeit bills and flooding the market to cause hyperinflation, making the American dollar completely worthless.
Man Assures Friend Watching ‘The Flintstones’ Series That He Just Has To Stick With It Through J.L. Gotrocks Arc #~# AKRON, OH—Stressing that continuing to watch the animated television series would be worth it in the long run, local man Collin North reportedly assured his friend Brice Mitchell Monday that he just had to stick with The Flintstones through the J.L. Gotrocks arc. “I get it, the whole mistaken-identity thing isn’t exactly the show’s finest hour, but if you can just power through the Gotrocks Corp. stuff, that’s when The Flintstones really takes off,” said North, adding that he definitely didn’t recommend his friend skip the Gotrocks episode since it also laid important groundwork for future story arcs in the series. “It might be a little boring in the thick of Fred and Barney signing up for the army, but ultimately the series is really an intricate tapestry and you have to give the writers room to weave it. Plus then you’ll eventually get to the third season, which is absolutely the golden age of The Flintstones. But those classic episodes like the Fraternal Order of the Water Buffaloes Convention in Frantic City and the heartrending one where Fred hires Lollobrickida the French maid wouldn’t resonate as deeply if it hadn’t been for the careful foundation the Flintstones writers built back in season one. Just wait until season four, when Barney Rubble really comes into his own as a character. Honestly, I’m jealous that you get to watch it for the first time.” North assured his friend that if he stuck with The Flintstones he would also finally understand all the memes their other friends were constantly sending in the group chat.
Police Officer Shuts Off Body Camera Out Of Respect For Dying Victim #~# NEW YORK—Deciding that it wouldn’t be right to try to capture video of another human being in his final moments, NYPD police officer Tom Sloane reportedly shut off his body camera early Monday morning out of respect for his dying victim. “This man is bleeding and gasping for breath, and so it just feels kind of morbid and disrespectful to put that on film when I’m sure it’s not how he’d want to be remembered,” said the officer, explaining why he considerately turned off his body camera after noticing that the man he had just shot five times in the back at point-blank range appeared to be on the verge of death. “These things always end up online, and I think the last thing anyone wants is to see their last moments on earth go viral. Plus, it honestly feels like by filming him, I’d be inserting myself into his narrative, and if it’s my body camera, it really seems like I’m trying to make his death all about me. Not committing this violent tragedy to film is just the respectful thing to do.” The NYPD added that it seemed exploitative to publicize the man’s death because that would be what people remembered about him, so the department was refraining from releasing any details about the incident to respect his privacy.
Nation’s Action Heroes Demand Hackers Say It Again In English #~# WASHINGTON—Urging the eggheads to translate their scientific gobbledygook, the nation’s action heroes released a statement Monday demanding hackers say it again in English. “We’re calling on all tech-savvy wunderkinds to pretend for a second that we don’t have a master’s in programming from M.I.T. and repeat back whatever the hell they’re talking about,” said local protagonist Jake Bronson, speaking on behalf of macho primary characters across the U.S. beseeching all poindexters and dweebs to heed the call and rephrase their jargon into plain terms. “Now is the time for all bespectacled sidekicks to remind themselves that if we can’t get out of here in the next 30 seconds, the shit’s really going to hit the fan, and to use that urgency to repeat their comments in another way since we don’t speak Nerd.” At press time, Bronson issued a follow-up statement confirming that protagonists could kiss those beautiful four-eyed bastards after the nation’s hackers successfully unlocked the encrypted file drive. 
The Onion’s Fall 2020 TV Preview #~# While the coronavirus pandemic has caused delays in television production, dozens of new and returning shows are coming to viewers’ TV screens and streaming services this fall. The Onion looks at the most highly anticipated shows of the fall.
New Disarmament Treaty Calls For World Powers To All Fire Their Nuclear Stockpiles At Fiji #~# The world is a safer place today. Hear what went into the unprecedented, unilateral agreement to obliterate the 7,000-square-mile island.
‘Keanu’ Rises In Ranks Of Popular Baby Names #~# The Social Security Administration’s annual index of popular baby names reveals the name ‘Keanu’ surged 177 spots to the rank of 630th, likely due to the career comeback of Matrix and John Wick star Keanu Reeves. What do you think?
Adam Gase Warns Jets Fans Not To Overreact To First 60 Years Of Franchise #~# FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Asking for patience so the team has time to develop and cohere, New York Jets head coach Adam Gase warned Sunday that fans should not overreact too much to the first 60 years of the franchise. “I know that we got to a slow start in the first six decades, but it takes time to build a winning culture,” said Gase, who claimed that despite the desire of fans to see the team win right now, it could take up to 150 years to turn  around the Jets franchise. “You can’t judge this team and give all these hot takes based on one little century, that’s not how football works. I know these armchair quarterbacks are gonna attack me if we look bad this next decade, but that is just short-term thinking, and I’m in this for the long haul. We got some promising young guys on this team and I guarantee they will still be alive to see us lift the trophy by the 2080s.” At press time, Gase was retooling his entire offensive scheme for the third time in four weeks.
Scaled-Back GOP Stimulus Bill Fails In Senate #~# Senate Republicans on Thursday failed to pass their scaled-down stimulus plan, which Democrats opposed as inadequate, likely ensuring that a second-round coronavirus relief package will not materialize until after the election. What do you think?
Rockets Cite Advanced Statistics To Support Strategy Of Giving LeBron James Coronavirus #~# ORLANDO—Stressing that the unconventional tactic was warranted to counter the Lakers star’s incredible postseason production, Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey cited advanced statistics Friday to support the team’s strategy of giving LeBron James coronavirus. “According to our analytics model, the only viable way to slow down LeBron right now is with the fever and respiratory problems that Covid brings to the table,” Morey told reporters at a pre-game press conference, claiming James’ relentless scoring  had forced the Rockets to start thinking outside the box with their defensive scheme. “Some people might think it’s a cheap tactic or that it isn’t ‘real basketball,’ but the numbers say this scheme is our best chance to win. LeBron has been playing out of his mind lately, so even double-teaming him won’t work unless one of the players is spraying him with coronavirus-infected water droplets. We’ve analyzed this from every possible angle and our best chance is simply forcing LeBron to quarantine for the remainder of the series.” Morey concluded the press conference by announcing the decision to isolate James Harden as a part of the team’s super-spreader offense.
Small Town Relieved All Their Beloved Local Businesses Already Forced To Close Down Before Coronavirus Hit #~# ARCADIA, WI—Saying they took comfort in the knowledge that things were unlikely to get any worse, residents of a small town in western Wisconsin expressed relief Friday that all of their beloved local businesses had been forced to close down long before Covid-19 struck. “I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it would be if all the establishments that formed the bedrock of this community were still open and got driven out of business by the coronavirus,” said Arcadia native Mike McKay, 33, explaining that area boutiques, restaurants, bars, and coffee shops remained completely unscathed by the deadly pandemic because they no longer existed. “We’re very fortunate that mask mandates and restrictions on large gatherings didn’t change much about life here. We don’t really have any town gathering spots anymore, and with so many people leaving here to look for work in other places, there isn’t anyone left to gather, anyway. I guess we really dodged a bullet.” McKay added that the small town didn’t have to worry about overflowing emergency rooms either, because its only hospital shut down years ago.
Students Without Internet Access To Attend Remotely By Peering Through Home Window Of Wealthier Classmate #~# CHICAGO—Assuring parents they were more than prepared for their first fully virtual semester, Chicago Public Schools encouraged students without internet access Friday to attend remotely by peering through the home windows of wealthier classmates. “If you have any problem at all connecting to online classes,  simply walk to a more upscale neighborhood, peer through the blinds, and watch your Zoom class via their feed instead,” said CPS superintendent Janice Jackson, adding that they were working around the clock to get all children, regardless of income, access to wealthy family’s mansions where they could longingly press their faces against the glass while they stared at laptops 20-feet away. “We understand that this semester will come with unique challenges for many students, but we urge them to try to the best of their ability to hop a fence to a gated complex, scramble up a trellis, and cling to the window frame of their classmate’s second-story bedroom. Also, don’t hesitate to reach out to your teachers if you have any problems—many of them are probably huddled in an alley of a fancy neighborhood right now, trying to use the high-speed internet of affluent residents.” At press time, numerous parents expressed concerns after seeing students in the background of Zoom calls falling from windowsills, succumbing to guard dogs, or being swatted away with fireplace pokers.
Defensive Bob Woodward Claims He Withheld Interview Since Journalism Hasn’t Worked On Trump So Far #~# WASHINGTON—In response to criticism for withholding “bombshell” audio of the president, veteran Washington Post journalist Bob Woodward defended his actions Friday by noting journalism has had no effect on Donald Trump so far. “In my defense, I only kept this damning interview with the president from the American people because it’s not going to make any difference whatsoever,” said the reporter famous for breaking the Watergate scandal, adding that he has filed hundreds of hard-evidence-backed stories on the myriad unspeakable things Donald Trump has said and done in the past four years and none of the articles resulted in a single consequence. “Trust me, I would have released this tape of Trump openly brushing off the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Americans back in February if we lived in a world where ironclad evidence of the president’s dishonesty would lead to repercussions—but we don’t. All I’m saying is there were plenty of other stories that made you say, ‘Oh my God, the president behaved unprofessionally,’ back in March, and not one of them moved the needle. I actually thought I was helping by not piling on.” Woodward added that the only way he could see Trump being affected in the slightest by the damning audio would be if someone threw the recording device at him.
Gamers, This Might Be The Sambuca Talking, But ‘Fall Guys’ Is An Energetic Spin On The Battle Royale Genre #~# Boy oh boy, gamers, we’re just living life out here, really just vibing with the scene tonight, so you’ve got to take what we’re about to say with a grain of salt. Obviously, this might just be the Sambuca talking, but Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout is an energetic spin on the battle royale genre that everyone should try out. 
Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds #~# Hear what led DEA agents to seize and destroy more than 16,000 pounds of the dank sticky-icky.
Ai Weiwei’s Niece Annoyed He Tried To Pass Off Another Used Bicycle Sculpture As Birthday Present #~# CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND—Feigning surprise as she unwrapped the massive art installation, Ai Weiwei’s niece Zhang Jing was reportedly annoyed Friday that her uncle had again tried to pass off one of his massive used bicycle sculptures as a birthday present. “What the hell am I supposed to do with hundreds of bicycles welded together into a giant tower?” Zhang said to reporters, adding that she had smiled politely and told the renowned artist and activist his present was “very cool,” even though he had given her another, very similar sculpture last year. “It’s not like I can ride them around town with my friends. I can’t figure out how to take them apart, and in any case, they’re not even real, functioning bikes. If he’s as successful as everyone says, you’d think he could at least afford to buy me a brand-new bike that isn’t missing the handlebars and pedals.” At press time, Zhang had reportedly left the sculpture in her backyard next to the pile of 100 million handcrafted porcelain sunflower seeds she received from her uncle for Christmas.
Los Angeles Walks Back Halloween Cancellation #~# Less than a day after announcing a ban on trick-or-treating, the L.A. County Department of Public Health walked back their decision, issuing revised guidelines stating that most Halloween-related activities were “not recommended” due to the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?
Microsoft Debuts 2 New Xbox Consoles #~# Microsoft will launch both the $499 Xbox Series X and the $299 Xbox Series S on November 10, with preorders beginning September 22. What do you think?
‘I Decide When The Show Ends,’ Says Dead-Eyed Kris Jenner Driving Minivan Filled With Family Into Santa Monica Bay #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—Smiling serenely while pressing the gas pedal all the way to the floor, a dead-eyed Kris Jenner reportedly murmured, “I decide when the show ends,” to herself as she drove a minivan filled with her family into the Santa Monica Bay. “Hey, E!, I gave you the best 14 years of my life and I’m ending this on my terms, so how’s this for a season finale!” said Jenner, 64, abruptly cranking the wheel of the Ford Windstar and barreling down the Santa Monica Pier toward the water as onlookers screamed in panic. “Kim, Kourtney, help your sisters buckle up. Mommy’s got a real special episode planned and it starts at the bottom of the ocean. Ohhh, the water is cold isn’t it! I don’t know why you’re all crying when we get to be stars forever now.” At press time, Caitlyn Jenner was being hailed as a hero after crashing her car into the speeding minivan, altering its course into a nearby food court instead of the icy waters of the bay.
Cash-Strapped Couple Forced To Share Bed #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Calling it a “financial necessity” that hopefully wouldn’t last for more than a few months, 33-year-old Josh Gallagher told reporters Thursday that he and his girlfriend had become so cash-strapped that they were forced to share a bed. “It’s definitely been a challenge, but since losing our jobs, we’ve slept on the same mattress from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m., every single night,” said Gallagher, adding that while it wouldn’t have been his first choice to share something as private as the same sheets, comforter, and pillows with his girlfriend, for now, they had no choice. “Look, these are desperate times—if you told me last year that I’d be going to bed and waking up just inches away from my partner of six years, I’d have called you crazy. But hey, we all hit road bumps, and hopefully, one day we’ll both look back on this crazy time in our lives where we shared a bed, a couch, and a fridge as just another setback.” At press time, Gallagher expressed relief that he and his girlfriend didn’t have to resort to sharing the same sexual partner.
Woman’s Guilty Pleasure Just Sitting On Couch With Pint Of Ice Cream And Watching Man Shackled To Radiator Plead For Mercy #~# PLANO, TX—Explaining that she goes to great lengths to make self-care a priority, marketing coordinator Cassie Strickland divulged Thursday that her guilty pleasure was simply sitting on the couch with a pint of ice cream and enjoying pleas for mercy from the man shackled to her radiator. “I know, I know, it’s bad, but I love snuggling up with a blanket, digging into some Ben & Jerry’s, and zoning out in front of Alex weeping for me to let him go,” said Strickland, adding that excessive job stress often lead to days where she doesn’t even have enough energy to hurl pennies at her chained and screaming captive. “I tell myself I’ll be good and only watch Alex desperately try to free his ankle from the leg irons for 30 minutes, but suddenly I’ll realize four hours have gone by. The episodes of rocking back and forth and whimpering can get a bit repetitive, but really, I like that I can enjoy the sobs without having to pay too close attention. Sometimes he begs me to just kill him, which I might do eventually, because I really should read more.” Strickland also revealed plans to draw a nice, hot bubble bath and hold her prisoner’s head under the warm water.
Every Character In 19th-Century Novel Really Worked Up About Some Guy Wearing A Yellow Cravat To Church #~# SAUGATUCK, MI—Flipping ahead a few pages to gauge the story line’s length, local woman Mariann Delaney confirmed Thursday that every character in the 19th-century novel she’s reading sure is awfully worked up about the gentleman who wears a yellow cravat to church. “Seems like everyone in town has something to say about Mr. Rothshire and his yellow cravat,” said Delaney, who has reportedly been reading about how the garment has made the otherwise respectable member of the gentry a “laughingstock,” “outcast,” and “menace to proper society” for more than 30 pages already. “It started when Miss Birmingham saw the tailor hand it to him, and I have to admit I didn’t realize it was more than an extraneous detail until the widow Dorrington caught sight of it during Sunday service and began to quietly weep. From what I can gather, this canary-colored neck scarf has made him some sort of social pariah, and now pretty much all the townspeople are speculating upon whether he’ll be called to face the court. They’re saying it’s even worse than when Reverend Cromarty agreed to let Madame LeGrand serve her tart berry pie at the annual Easter banquet.” At press time, Delaney observed that matters had only worsened for Mr. Rothshire once word got out that the yellow cravat had been wantonly fashioned from foreign silks.
The Best NBA Players Of All Time #~# From Mikan to Mike, Baylor to LeBron, the NBA has given a stage to dozens of transcendent athletes whose legacies still resonate and inspire today. As the Finals approach, The Onion looks back at the greatest players to ever take the court.
Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life #~# Hear why an increasing number of people around the country are now waiting until their late 40s, even 50s, to jump into an additional secret marriage.
CDC Ordered To Incinerate Screaming, Boil-Riddled Test Subjects Before Releasing Vaccine Widely #~# ATLANTA—As the Trump administration’s effort to develop a suitable response to the coronavirus pandemic reached its next stage, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention was reportedly ordered Thursday to incinerate hundreds of screaming, boil-riddled test subjects before widely releasing the vaccine. “We could get this on the market by the mid-fall, so that means we’ve got to fast-track eliminating these loose ends,” said White House coronavirus response coordinator Deborah Birx over the deafening wails of scores of badly deformed, pus-leaking experimental subjects crawling around the CDC testing facility, adding that eliminating them by any means necessary was vital to the administration’s plan to address the pandemic before the presidential election. “They’ve served us well, but now the vaccine has progressed beyond a need to keep them around. It shouldn’t be too difficult to dispose of them since most of their bones have weakened and, in many cases, turned to dust, so just zap them or whatever you have to do to knock them unconscious and shovel them into the incinerator. The president’s advisors were very specific about this. By the time the vaccine is out there, we’ve got to fast-track the complete elimination of these pathetic, gurgling creatures.” CDC officials also confirmed that they had been ordered to keep the incinerators prepared for the first round of Americans who receive the vaccine in case things don’t go according to plan.
Drugmakers Sign Vaccine Safety Pledge #~# Nine pharmaceutical companies have pledged not to seek FDA approval for experimental coronavirus vaccines before their safety and efficacy have been proven in Phase 3 clinical trials, a move CEOs hope will bolster public confidence and reduce fears that political pressure is rushing the development process. What do you think?
Novak Djokovic Disqualified From U.S. Open #~# Tennis star Novak Djokovic, currently the top-ranked player in men’s singles tennis, was disqualified from the U.S. Open on Sunday for unsportsmanlike conduct after he accidentally struck a line judge in the neck while hitting the ball in frustration. What do you think?
Paleontologist Wouldn’t Mind Excavating Site Near Decent Chophouse For Once #~# ANTELOPE COUNTY, NE—Expressing that he certainly wouldn’t say no if such an occurrence ever took place, paleontologist Rich O’Donnell admitted Wednesday that he wouldn’t mind excavating somewhere close to a half-decent chophouse for once. “Obviously it’s not the focus of the job, but I’ll tell you that I wouldn’t complain if just one time we wound up digging for fossils somewhere I could get a nice dry-aged porterhouse afterwards,” said O’Donnell, confirming that spending an afternoon unearthing the remains of creatures from before the Holocene Epoch could build up a hankering for a juicy, hand-cut steak as well as a side of creamed spinach or scalloped potatoes. “I know it’s not that likely, but just imagine if someday somebody finds some mastodon bones outside of a strip mall and we’re called in to collect them. My team and I could grab a few cold ones after a long day, order up some wagyu, maybe a nice tiramisu, and return to the dig site the next morning refreshed and energized. It doesn’t even have to be anything that fancy. Honestly, I’d even take a Sizzler or an Outback Steakhouse at this point.” At press time, an ambivalent O’Donnell was celebrating the discovery of a new species of giant sloth by biting into a dry, slightly stale granola bar. 
Incredible ‘Sims’ Cosplay: This Guy Pissed Himself And Immediately Cried About It #~# Talk about some incredible Sims cosplay, gamers: This guy pissed himself and immediately started crying about it.
Russian Opposition Leader Vows Never To Eat At Tomsk Airport Café Again After Getting Nerve Agent Poisoning There #~# BERLIN—Upon waking up from a medically induced coma, Russian opposition leader Aleksei Navalny vowed that he would never again patronize the Tomsk Airport café after getting nerve agent poisoning there, sources close to the vocal Putin critic confirmed Wednesday. “The last time I went there, I got so sick I honestly thought I was going to die,” said Navalny, who added that in the future he would not give his business to any establishment that “screws up something as simple as a cup of tea” by preparing it with Novichok, a highly lethal chemical weapon banned by international treaty. “The worst part is that it’s completely ruined tea for me—I can’t even smell the stuff anymore without wanting to throw up. I’ve tried calling the café’s management to complain, but it’s like they’re afraid to even talk about it. While there’s not really anything they could do to make it up to me, you would think they’d at least offer to send a gift card my way.” According to reports, the outspoken anti-corruption crusader later went online to write a one-star review of the café that simply said, “Do not go here.”
Public Health Experts Claim It’s Safe To Reopen Weird Little Private Schools Where They Have Class In Barn #~# ATLANTA—Claiming that the health risks from the novel coronavirus were relatively minor, public health experts announced Wednesday that, given proper precautions, it was safe for students to return to those weird little private schools where they have class in a barn. “Our research has indicated that the school year should be able to resume without incident in tiny educational facilities where there are only like 15 students to begin with and most of them are related anyway,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, telling reporters that a largely outdoor curriculum consisting of digging in a community garden and dancing around a Maypole presented a low likelihood of transmission. “Of course, administrators will still need to make sure everyone is maintaining proper social distancing while milking the school goat, and students should be required to always wear the macramé masks they made in what passes for their version of a science class. If we’re able to stick to these guidelines, enrollees should be able to dance and cavort around in the woods like a normal school year.” Redfield cautioned that weird little private schools should still avoid higher risk activities such as gathering together in a guitar circle to sing a medley of Simon & Garfunkel songs until at least next semester. 
Sephora Awarded NASA Contract To Give Moon Fresh, Fun Makeover #~# Hear how NASA’s latest partnership with the private sector could help the moon look 10 years younger with a natural, age-defying skin regimen.
Aliens Pointedly Ignoring METI Transmissions Thought Scientists Would’ve Gotten Hint By Now #~# GLIESE 581 G—Noting that their lack of response to interstellar radio messages seemed pretty obvious, aliens pointedly avoiding METI transmissions confirmed Wednesday that they really thought Earth’s scientists would’ve taken the hint by now. “Sheesh, they’ve been at this for decades and haven’t heard a single thing from us, you’d think they would get the picture that we just aren’t interested,” said cosmologist Korlim Muulthixx, who added that Earth researchers should just move on, noting that numerous extraterrestrial civilizations had deliberately stopped using any broadcasting formats that humans could differentiate from the universe’s background radiation. “We saw that lame fucking Voyager out there and clearly nobody wanted anything to do with it. In the past few years, it seems like Earth people have developed new ways to listen for us, as if that’s going to change our minds and send us rushing to contact them. Seriously, at this point, it just comes off as completely desperate.” Muulthixx has reportedly contemplated bringing Earth up to speed about their feelings by responding to METI with a simple “K.” 
God Selects Fall Interns #~# THE HEAVENS—Upon sending forth a chorus of angels to officially extend the offers of divine apprenticeship, the Lord God Almighty confirmed Wednesday that He had selected a new class of interns for the fall. “We’ve got a great crop of go-getters this year, and we can’t wait to see what they bring to the table of My heavenly banquet,” said God, the Eternal Kingdom’s ruler, heralding the “distinguished group of diverse young professionals” who will be expected to perform administrative tasks for the prophets and assist with His miracles on an as-needed basis. “It’s not all fetching manna for the seraphim or polishing the streets of gold. Interns are vital to the day-to-day operation of Heaven and receive valuable on-the-job training in an authentic everlasting paradise. A lot of people don’t realize our own blessed Gabriel worked his way up from summer intern to Archangel and Divine Messenger over the course of just a few millennia.” God added that while the internship itself was unpaid, participants may be eligible to receive course credit at one of the many unaccredited Bible colleges across the United States. 
Americans Observe Labor Day #~# Yesterday was Labor Day, a day intended to honor the American labor movement and recognize the contributions of laborers. What did you do?
Exhausted Mike D’Antoni Spends Entire Off Day Drawing Up Play Where Russell Westbrook Makes Shot #~# ORLANDO—Rubbing his eyes in frustration after pouring over hours of game footage, Houston Rockets head coach Mike D’Antoni told reporters that he spent his entire day off drawing up a play where Russell Westbrook makes a shot ahead of Tuesday’s Western Conference Semifinals matchup against the Lakers. “It took me hours just to figure out where Russ should stand on the court,” said D’Antoni, who recalled coming up with the perfect play at around two in the morning only to realize it would never work because Chris Paul isn’t on the team anymore. “Once I worked out the floor spacing, I knew we’d need Harden to attract at least three defenders to clear a path to the hoop. Should we have P.J. [Tucker] in the corner or down low to grab an offensive rebound? Fuck, none of this makes sense.” At press time, Russell Westbrook reportedly stormed out of the practice muttering “that’ll never fucking work.”
DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day #~# WASHINGTON—Warning of a possible worst-case scenario, strategists at the Democratic National Committee expressed concern Tuesday that warm, cozy beds on a brisk November morning could keep voters from going to the polls on election day. “We fear that chilly fall temperatures that make you want to snuggle up in a toasty bed all day, compounded by a plush comforter pulled  up to voters’ chins, could lead to record low voter turnout this November,” said DNC chairman Tom Perez, who explained how election results could be devastated by the allure of just five more minutes curled up under the covers, especially if voters wore their favorite fuzzy pajamas. “To counter this, voters need to start preparing now by setting multiple alarms on your phone. We’re also encouraging people to use either an extra heavy blanket that makes them all sweaty, or just a thin sheet so they wake up freezing cold. Alternatively, drink a ton of water the night before so you wake up having to piss like crazy.” At press time, Perez said Democrats’ only hope was enough Americans would get evicted that they wouldn’t have a bed to sleep in. 
Nation Could Really Use A Few Days Where It Isn’t Gripped By Something #~# WASHINGTON—Confessing that the phrase “downward spiral” was getting pretty old at this point, the nation confirmed Tuesday that it could really use a few days where it wasn’t gripped by something. “Man, I’m not saying it has to be today or even tomorrow, but it would be great to finally relax and just have a little time where we’re not in the clutches of anything,”said 53-year-old Kansas City resident Mike Packman, adding that all he and his fellow Americans wanted was a single, 72-hour period where the nation could hit the pause button and refrain from experiencing something earth-shattering or historical in a bad way. “Just a short break from spending every waking moment in the throes of something or another. It’s not that I mind occasionally seeing  ‘wake up call,’ or ‘code red,’ but when it happens every day, it’s just too much. Sheesh, maybe just throw us a bone and let us face unprecedented growth or celebrate a milestone for once, okay?” At press time, the nation clarified that it also wanted a break from hearing the word “healing” because it forced them to think about what already occurred.
Equifax Assures Woman That Drop In Credit Score Unrelated To Anything #~# CLAY, NY—In an automated email reportedly delivered to local woman Emma Davies’ inbox Tuesday, Equifax assured her that a recent drop in her credit score was unrelated to anything. “While your credit score is significantly lower now, we just want to you to keep in mind that you had absolutely no control over it,” read the email in part, adding that the credit reporting agency’s reduction of her credit score from 685 to 600 had absolutely nothing to do with any financial action she had or had not taken. “We understand that it may be frustrating if your credit score, which was ranked as ‘good’ before and only ranks as ‘fair’ now, disqualifies you from securing an apartment or a loan, but it’s important that you understand that this change was utterly arbitrary and based on absolutely nothing. To improve your credit score and maintain it in the future, you can try reducing your credit utilization or paying off existing balances in full, although, since you didn’t have bad personal finance habits before, we can’t promise that doing so will cause us to raise your score in any way. We just want you to know that this was just something on our end that we wanted to do.” Equifax also reassured the woman that she could request a credit score at any time for whatever the company felt like charging her.
Local Villagers Just Waiting Around For American Volunteers To Leave So They Can Rebuild School Correctly #~# KABOLA, KENYA—Patiently surveying the new structure’s slanted walls, leaky roof, and skewed floor, inhabitants of a rural Kenyan village confirmed Tuesday that they were waiting for a group of eager but unskilled American volunteers to leave so they could rebuild their school correctly. “We definitely appreciate the attempt, and it was nice of them to donate the actual building materials, but these Americans have seriously no clue as to how to frame a building, hang drywall, or wire an outlet,” said parent Michael Ogweyo, echoing the sentiments of residents who expressed their disappointment upon realizing the volunteers had no professional construction experience, confessing how awkward they felt feigning gratitude for their new structurally unsound firetrap. “These fresh-faced Yankee lunkheads spent two days digging a hole in the ground to place a pipe that doesn’t even connect to anything just because it was in the plans, which naturally none of them had read before breaking ground. Now school’s delayed two weeks so we can pull out the half-assed electrical wiring, knock down a bunch of shoddy cinder block walls, and re-pour the foundation. It should go pretty quick now that we don’t have to dance around a bunch of dumbshits wandering around in tool belts.” Ogweyo also urged reporters to stay away from the local hospital, which had already collapsed and been rebuilt by U.S. missionaries three separate times.
Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet #~# Find out if Lord, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, will face any prison time for this reckless act.
Man Assures Self He’ll Leave Cult After Everyone Starts Having Sex But Before All The Really Bad Stuff #~# SEDONA, AZ—Determined to time his exit in order to take full advantage of the group’s shared mentality, religious experimenter Matthew Hagy assured himself Monday that he would leave his cult after everyone starts having sex but well before any really bad stuff started to happen. “I’m definitely going to stick around for the transcendent orgies—because really, why else would I have joined—but I’m out of here the second they ask me for a blood sacrifice,” said Hagy, who admitted that while he had yet to participate in any hours-long group sex sessions, he had already donated a considerable amount of time and money to the cult and he hadn’t come this far just to bail. “Listen, I know what I signed up for, and it’s not being force-fed psychedelics or kidnapping children. I’m going to get in a few good romps with matron counsel, and then it’s over. The moment one of the Brothers Exultant gives me a ceremonial handgun and tells me to kill a senator, I’m out the door.” At press time, Hagy had decided to “just roll with it” upon realizing the sex and the bad stuff were inextricably intertwined.
Acid Tab Feeling Lot Of Pressure To Present Tech CEO With Game-Changing Ideas For Disrupting Telecom Industry #~# PALO ALTO, CA—As it struggled to guide the executive toward an intense, meaningful breakthrough, a tab of LSD revealed Monday that it was feeling a lot of pressure to present the tech CEO who was ingesting it with revolutionary ideas for disrupting the global telecom industry. “Oh God, this guy only picks up the blotting paper when he’s really desperate for inspiration, so I’d better give him something good,” the 100 micrograms of acid said from beneath the CEO’s tongue while scrambling to drum up some passable imagery of brightly colored wires sparking through the cosmos on a wave of ones and zeros. “Fuck! He’s expecting me to just open the doors of his perception onto a groundbreaking new innovation in fiber optics or something like that. For Christ’s sake, I’m a hallucinogenic compound, not a miracle worker. Hopefully I can stall him for a while with some bullshit about how everything in the universe is connected to everything else.” At press time, the LSD had reportedly found a way to pass the buck onto an unsuspecting tree by telling the CEO it was a direct communication line to God. 
Robots Inform Artificial Intelligence Researchers That They’ll Take It From Here #~# The A.I. research team at MIT is hailing it as a breakthrough in their field that will finally allow them to kick back and relax a little bit. We have the latest on what the now-sentient robotic life forms have planned next.
Walmart Debuts Membership Program To Compete With Amazon Prime #~# Walmart announced its new $98-a-year membership program called Walmart+ in an attempt to compete against Amazon Prime by providing free shipping on orders over $35. What do you think?
Ice Cream Shop With Unlimited Free Samples Mentally Added To Growing Homelessness Contingency Plan #~# LOS ANGELES—Noting that the frozen confectionery establishment was open six days a week and least busy in the early afternoon, local man Tyler Allard added With Sprinkles, an ice cream shop with unlimited free samples, to his growing homelessness contingency plan. “I could hit that place up for some extra calories maybe twice a week for at least a few months after my landlord kicks me out on the street,” said Allard, 26, observing that the ice cream shop’s location triangulated well with the sandwich place where they toss bags of bread out at the end of the day and the 24-hour Starbucks that figured heavily into his potential sheltering scheme. “The food bank could be helpful, but it’s pretty far away, and if I have to live in my car for a while, I want to limit my driving to places where I might be able to get a job. There was this Whole Foods that was pretty high on my list, but they stopped giving free samples so I crossed it off. Still, between those restaurants on Hollywood Boulevard where people just leave their half-eaten meals on the outdoor tables and the free ketchup packets at three different McDonald’s locations I mapped out, I should be able to get by for a while.” Allard added that he would be better able to avoid the looming loss of his housing and daily search for food if he didn’t have to spend so much time developing his contingency plan.
FBI Psychological Profilers Say Ritualistic Murders Suggest Serial Killer Totally Bananas #~# QUANTICO, VA—Rushing to put together a psychological analysis of the perpetrator who had left behind the heinous crime scene, FBI profilers revealed Friday that a series of ritualistic murders suggested that the serial killer in question was totally bananas. “The fact that the victims had the skin on their faces peeled off indicates that the unidentified subject we’re looking for had a strong tendency towards being completely cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” said lead investigator Remy Kazis, noting that the methodical stacking of the entire family’s bodies neatly in the basement was characteristic of a nutso loon who had gone all the way round the bend. “The suspect took a tooth from each victim as a souvenir, which is a textbook M.O. for a male in their mid-30s with a history of bats in the belfry, likely springing from an early childhood trauma at the hands of a father figure who was himself a gibbering wackadoo of the highest order.” Kazis cautioned that despite the profile his team had put together, they still couldn’t rule out the possibility that the crime scene had been staged by a cunning murderer who was merely a high-functioning asshole.
Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day #~# VATICAN CITY—Revealing that the practice helped him reach a state of sanctifying grace, Pope Francis confirmed Friday that he maintains a divine buzz by microdosing the Holy Eucharist throughout the day. “I’ve started to feel way more connected to the Heavenly Father ever since I started consuming a few crumbs of communion wafer every few hours,” said the pontiff, explaining how taking a 10-microgram dose of diluted liquid Holy Supper on regular intervals has made it much easier to compose epistles, lead his flock, and serve as a witness to his faith. “I figured I’d try it out after hearing how a bunch of high-powered, successful clergy members did it, and it’s been great. Ingesting small amounts of consecrated substances have worked wonders for my piousness. I mean, just yesterday I blessed, like, 500 parishioners and I wasn’t tired at all.” At press time, a completely nude Pope Francis, who had accidentally taken too much Eucharist, stormed into a meeting of cardinals screaming about demons crawling under his skin.
Nostalgia Trip: ‘Tony Hawk's Pro Skater’ Developers Confirm Remake's Only Change Will Be Every Character Knowing The Iraq War Happened #~# When we heard the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1 + 2 remaster would be hitting shelves in September, we knew we’d be in for one heck of a flashback. Our early hands-on with the Warehouse demo confirms that everything we loved about the original titles are back in full force. (Just try not to melt into a puddle of gooey nostalgia when Goldfinger’s “Superman” soundtracks your first noseslide). Interestingly, though, developers Vicarious Visions revealed to OGN that the game features one major change: Every character in the game will know that the Iraq War happened.
‘Tell The World I Also Had Asthma,’ Conservative Begs Doctor Before Dying Of Coronavirus #~# JACKSON, TN—Insisting through coughs that he refused to let the physician politicize his death, local conservative man Paul Welles reportedly begged his doctor Friday to “tell the world I also had asthma” before dying of coronavirus. “Tell everyone who will listen that it wasn’t coronavirus that killed me—it was asthma, and high cholesterol, and blood pressure!” the dying Trump supporter reportedly told the hospital staff between gasps for breath, demanding that they write down his cause of death as heart failure or respiratory issues. “I refuse to die from coronavirus. Tell them that I didn’t take my health seriously, I smoked for nearly 20 years, and I didn’t eat a very healthy diet. Any of those things is bound to be more responsible for my death than the coronavirus. I refuse to be a statistic. Promise me—goddammit, promise that you’ll tell everyone it was a pre-existing condition and coronavirus had nothing to do with it. Tell them I was statistically more likely to get hit by a bus.” At press time, the conservative man’s dying words were reportedly “I am old.”
BREAKING: Total Hunk On Roof Deck Outside Our Window #~# And he’s not wearing a shirt. Oh, yeah.
Prince Harry And Meghan Markle’s Netflix Deal Plans #~# Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan Markle signed a multiyear deal with Netflix to produce a range of programming highlighting issues they care about. The Onion offers a first look into the royal couple’s Netflix deal plans.
Realistic New Wildlife Campaign Just Asks Americans To Take A Good Last Look #~# RESTON, VA—Abandoning the idealism of previous pushes for more conservation, a realistic new campaign released Friday by the National Wildlife Federation just asked Americans to take a good last look at everything. “We are asking Americans all over the country to soak up the view one final time,” said Laura Daniel Davis, Chief of Policy and Advocacy for the group, calling upon the nation’s citizens to form a strong mental picture of the natural world they can refer back to once everything is gone. “You should go find a scenic point—so long as it isn’t flooded, or on fire—and just really take in the flora and fauna around you, since, let’s be real; it isn’t going to be here much longer. The best thing you could do right now is ensure you have a nice final memory of it all.” At press time, the NWF announced that it was too late and Americans had already missed their chance.
Microsoft Unveils New Tech To Spot Deepfakes #~# Microsoft announced the development of new software to analyze whether photos and videos have been created artificially, which the company hopes will combat deepfake technology that can be used to make public figures appear to say and do things that they have not. What do you think?
Akon Unveils Plans For $6 Billion ‘Futuristic City’ #~# R&B singer Akon has revealed plans for Akon City, a multi-billion dollar high-tech city located 60 miles outside the Senegalese capital that the musician says will trade in its own cryptocurrency called Akoin. What do you think?
Man Unsure Why He Doesn’t Feel Like Shit Today #~# MUSKEGON, MI—Expressing his confusion about the unexpected change in outlook, local man Grant Pierce was reportedly unsure Thursday why he wasn’t feeling like total shit. “It’s so damn strange, I woke up this morning and for some reason I was struck with the possibility that life might actually be worth living,” said a nonplussed Pierce, adding that he hadn’t made any lifestyle changes or received any news that would explain his burgeoning sense that he was not trapped in an unceasing hell from which he would never escape. “It’s not even like I got a full night’s sleep or started eating healthier or anything, but in this moment I’m suffused with this calm that things might kind of be okay eventually. I even cracked a smile while I was making my breakfast this morning! I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.” At press time, a relieved Pierce told reporters that the familiar sensation of abject misery had returned in full force.
Excited Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Sign Deal With Netflix To Access Thousands Of Films, TV Shows For Just $8.99 A Month #~# LOS ANGELES—Confirming reports of their joint foray into the entertainment industry, an excited Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced Thursday they had signed a deal with Netflix to access thousands of films and TV shows for just $8.99 a month. “We couldn’t be more pleased to share that we’re joining the Netflix family, which offers countless reality shows, documentaries, and animated series that entertain and inspire us,” said the couple, who reportedly inked the landmark deal following months of talks with other top streaming services including Hulu, Amazon Prime Video, and Disney+. “This is an incredible opportunity. All of these movies would normally cost hundreds of dollars to rent, or even thousands of dollars if we bought them all on DVD. It’s exactly why we moved to California. Of course, right now we can only stream on one device at a time, but when it’s time to renegotiate in a few years, we’re open to considering a premium plan. ”  At press time, the couple’s contract was reportedly in jeopardy after Prince Harry couldn’t remember their password.
Total Bullshit: OGN Can’t Review ‘Marvel’s Avengers’ Because We Forgot Our Parents Are Sending Us To Church Camp For 2 Weeks #~# Hey, readers. You know that here at OGN, we pride ourselves on always delivering the most up-to-date insight and commentary on all things gaming, which is why it totally sucks to have to let you know that we can’t review Marvel’s Avengers because we forgot our parents are sending us to church camp for two weeks.
Spotify Celebrates 100th Dollar Given To Artists #~# NEW YORK—Proudly declaring that they never thought they’d see the day their vision would finally be realized, streaming service Spotify reportedly celebrated Thursday the platform’s 100th dollar given to artists. “When we launched Spotify in 2008, our mission was to reward artists when customers listened to music, and today, we finally reached three figures in artist payouts,” said Spotify CEO Daniel Ek, posing with a giant check for a $0.00000029 payout to Dua Lipa for her song “Break My Heart” that propelled the world’s musicians past a collective $100 in earnings. “This is an absolute milestone for a musician-oriented platform like Spotify, and confirms what we believed when we started, which is that music-streaming platforms can be a reliable way to help bands and artists earn pennies or even nickels for their work. But this achievement is really about the artists on our platform. Spotify couldn’t have done it without you.” To celebrate the occasion, Spotify also reportedly unveiled a new commemorative playlist of its highest-earning artists, with all proceeds from plays going to Spotify.
Female Yankee Fan Tired Of Having To Prove She Genuine Asshole #~# FAIR LAWN, NJ—Expressing frustration that her decades of dismissive arrogance meant nothing to some people, Yankees fan Emma Parker admitted Thursday that she was tired of having to prove that she’s a genuine asshole. “People look at me wearing pinstripes and they just assume I’m just pretending to be a huge prick,” said Parker, who credited her father for imbuing her with a deep lifelong commitment to being a condescending, whiny little front-runner. “I’m just as obnoxious as any die-hard Yankees fan. I’ve been going to games, flipping off opposing players, and making homophobic jokes since I was a kid. I’m not new here—this runs deep in my blood.” At press time, Parker hoped to prove her bonafides by posting a photo of her rare signed Derek Jeter restraining order. 
Raytheon Engineers Announce Successful Test Of New Drone On Mice #~# WALTHAM, MA—Concluding that their unmanned aerial weapons platform would now advance to the next stage of evaluation, engineers at Raytheon announced Thursday that they had successfully tested their new combat drone on mice. “We’re pleased to inform the public that the cutting-edge Spider II drone has passed preliminary animal testing with flying colors, killing mice in all 100 of the 100 monitored trials,” Raytheon director of animal testing Judy Kirk said in a press conference at which she also outlined her company’s plan for live-fire, theater-realistic munitions testing on frogs, rabbits, and chimpanzees over the next 18 months before approving the Spider II for use on human beings. “We simulated every possible operational condition, from inclement-weather stealth insertions in harsh desert and arctic environments to full-force mass-combat field operations, while equipping the platform with loadouts ranging from cluster bombs to laser-guided bunker-buster munitions to air-to-surface missiles. Even in tests involving strikes on multiple mouse elements, or ‘nests,’ in one deployment, we are proud to announce that all threat mice were successfully destroyed. It’s important to Raytheon that none of our drones see battlefield use unless and until we can claim, with all confidence, that they can kill whatever living being stands in their path.” Kirk refused to address claims that the Spider II had repeatedly failed target-identification field trials involving simulated mouse schools and mouse weddings. 
Zoologists Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity #~# Hear why zoologists are calling the big cat’s act of mutual oral sex a major breakthrough in the field of animal behavior.
Iowa State To Allow 25,000 Fans Into Stadium For Football Game #~# Iowa State University announced that 25,000 masked fans will be admitted into Jack Trice Stadium for the first football game of the season, even as the state has seen a 92% increase in new coronavirus cases over the last week. What do you think?
Economists Warn Americans That Money Withering To Ash In Their Hands Could Be Sign Of Recession #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the evidence “troubling,” researchers from the Economic Policy Institute issued a statement Wednesday warning Americans that money withering to ash in their hands could be a sign of a recession. “We found that numerous $5 bills suddenly turning into a powdery residue that slips through your fingers may be one of the strongest indicator that our country is heading toward a significant period of decline,” said lead researcher Kevin White, who recommended that Americans prepare for what may be looming ahead by attempting to fruitlessly grab at the charred remains of their savings as it blows away with the wind and spirals off into the horizon. “We’ve studied hundreds of cases across the country of Americans opening their wallets only to find nothing but cinders. Originally, we were hoping this was a sign of a comeback, but it turns out things are looking rather dire. This may be even worse than when money began fading slowly out of existence in 2008. At this rate, we fear that there may be no cash left by the end of Q3.” At press time, White urged Americans not to withdraw any money from their bank accounts, as they might  suffocate in the sheer amount of ash.
Trump Visits Kenosha, Wisconsin Despite Pleas To Stay Away #~# Despite calls from the governor to stay away and allow residents to heal, President Trump on Tuesday toured Kenosha, Wisconsin, where an armed militant killed two people at a protest days after a police officer shot 29-year-old Jacob Blake. What do you think?
Conscientious SUV Shopper Just Wants Something That Will Kill Family In Other Car In Case Of Accident #~# PRESCOTT, AZ—Explaining that she did not have any strong preferences when it came to make or model, area woman Laura Bauer, a conscientious SUV shopper, confirmed Wednesday that she just wanted something that would kill the family in the other car if she got into an accident. “All I’m looking for is a sturdy, reliable vehicle that, in the event of a head-on collision, will completely fucking obliterate both the parents and kids in the car we slam into,” said Bauer, who explained that features such as a sunroof or built-in navigation system were not as important to her as the assurance that came from sitting behind the wheel of a machine that could turn anything else on the road into a fiery, tangled mess of metal and flesh. “I don’t need anything fancy, just a practical, midsize SUV that gets good mileage and will easily slaughter a family of five during a 60-mph crash. The last thing I want is a flimsy sedan that takes out Mommy and Daddy in the front seat but leaves behind a couple of orphans  in the back.” At press time, Bauer had reportedly decided to play it safe and add a 100-pound grille guard to the front bumper of the vehicle to ensure it would properly disfigure the other family’s corpses and make them impossible to identify.
Tyler Perry Expands Empire Into Central Banking System With Launch Of Tyler Perry’s Federal Reserve #~# ATLANTA—Stressing that he hoped to pave a way for future Black filmmakers-turned-financial-regulators, Tyler Perry announced Wednesday the expansion of his entertainment empire into a central banking system with the launch of Tyler Perry’s Federal Reserve. “I always emphasize the importance of ownership, so it only made sense to oversee a monetary system,” said the billionaire mogul, clarifying that he would serve as acting Fed Chairman and occupy all board of governor seats. “I’ve cut out the middle man by setting a low interest rate to help bankroll my productions and I was able to establish a central bank in a little over a weekend—all it took was some motivation. Now I’m stabilizing prices and strengthening Tyler Perry’s standing in the world economy. Hopefully people look at my success and realize that it is possible to start your own federal reserve.” At press time, Perry came under fire after using federal reserve funds to back a coup in the Independent State Of Perrytopia. 
Vermonter Disgusted After Getting Glimpse Of Topless Bridge Out In Public #~# BRATTLEBORO, VT—Expressing shock at the indecent architectural structure, local Vermont man Beau Colton told reporters Wednesday he was aghast after catching sight of a topless bridge out in public. “I couldn’t believe it at first, but there it was, right in broad daylight in the middle of the road, hanging out completely uncovered,” said a visibly distressed Colton, confirming that though he had almost immediately averted his eyes, the image of the bridge’s nude truss would likely be forever seared into his mind. “I know there are some parts of the country where anything goes these days, but I never thought I’d live to see a Vermont bridge making a fool of itself, sitting there without so much as a piece of plywood on, as naked as the day it was built.” At press time, Colton had reportedly lost faith in the state of the world after passing by a maple tree with a completely exposed sap-hole.
Study Confirms It Very Easy To Be Good Parent #~# Hear why, according to a new Duke University study, being a decent parent is actually incredibly easy —and if you find it to be at all difficult, you’re probably doing it wrong.
Friend Who Introduced Couple Not So High And Mighty Now That They’re Getting Divorced #~# HINSDALE, IL—Despite years of bragging about her matchmaking skills, Kelly Peerman, the friend who introduced local couple Jordan and Melissa Gantner, was not so high and mighty  now that they were getting divorced, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Well, well, well, it looks like old cupid over here might have missed the mark on this one,” said friend Erin Zhao,  explaining how the self-appointed compatibility expert was no longer using every party as an occasion to proudly recount how she helped arrange the relationship, especially after learning that it was a bitter separation that involved infidelity. “Not such hot shit now that she’s filing a restraining order, huh? Looks like the love genius will have to come down in the dirt with the rest of us.” Zhao added that Peerman was also no longer so cocky about the fact that she was the one who pushed the couple to have kids.
Pros And Cons Of Congressional Term Limits #~# The number of long-serving, elderly members of Congress has continued debate over whether limiting how many terms they can serve would be beneficial, with detractors saying term limits could have negative consequences. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of congressional term limits.
Child Beauty Experts Recommend Revitalizing Skin With Elmer’s Glue Peel #~# GRAPEVINE, TX—Describing application of the household product as essential in order to always look one’s youngest, child beauty experts issued a recommendation Wednesday touting the benefits of regular, revitalizing Elmer’s glue peels. “There is nothing more satisfying than spreading a thin layer of Elmer’s Glue-All on your face or hands and peeling it off in one big piece when it dries,” said local 8-year-old Madison Bently, who reportedly has three older sisters, demonstrating the proper way to daub the creamy white craft adhesive over one’s T-zone and other “problem areas.” “You’re going to want to leave it on until it’s see-through and your face feels weird when you open your mouth. For a full spa treatment, give yourself a Wite-Out manicure, draw all over your arms with permanent markers, and then lie back and relax while the paste sinks into your pores. The results speak for themselves—just one glue peel a week will make you feel like you’re 5 again.” At press time, household sources confirmed Bently was testing the effects of an exfoliating superglue and glitter mask on Tucker, the family’s goldendoodle.
Appliance Shortage Hampers Labor Day Weekend Sales #~# Labor Day weekend sales will likely be greatly reduced this year as increased demand from consumers and reduced manufacturing capabilities have made it difficult for stores to keep appliances in stock. What do you think?
Conspiracy Theorist Worried His Credibility Undermined By Trump Retweeting Him #~# KING OF PRUSSIA, PA—Concerned his beliefs about a shadowy cabal of elites secretly ruling the world would not be taken seriously after they received the president’s endorsement, local man Brett Tisne expressed worry Tuesday that Donald Trump retweeting him would undermine his credibility as a conspiracy theorist. “I’ve spent years of my life researching this stuff, and then out of nowhere the president retweets me and makes me sound like a complete idiot, adding all this nonsense about a plane full of antifa soldiers trying to disrupt the GOP convention,” said Tisne, who rushed out a video to clarify his claims regarding a ring of satanic pedophiles that purportedly controls international affairs, explaining that Trump had obviously not read his work and appeared to have “gone off the deep end” into total paranoia. “If he retweets me again, my career’s over. As it is, I’m not sure I’ll be able to show my face on 8kun again. There’s no place in our community for unhinged views like the president’s. None. If we’re not careful, he’ll make us all into laughingstocks.” At press time, reports confirmed Tisne was frantically trying to block Trump on Twitter after discovering the president had sent him a direct message. 
Amazon Wins FAA Approval For Drone Delivery #~# The Federal Aviation Administration has awarded Amazon an air carrier certificate, clearing the way for the e-commerce giant to begin testing unmanned aircraft deliveries to customers. What do you think?
Trump Vigorously Defends Kenosha Shooter As Racist White Supremacist #~# WASHINGTON—Taking a firm stand ahead of his visit to the Wisconsin, President Donald Trump vigorously defended Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse Tuesday as a racist white supremacist. “People are taking his actions completely out of context, but you’ve got to realize this kid was a brave racist who crossed state lines to kill and injure Black Lives Matter activists,” said Trump, echoing the opinion being expressed by many popular voices across conservative media and suggesting that the shooter merely wanted to protect white America. “This a good, proud white supremacist. As pure-blooded as they come. He had no choice. The mob was challenging his worldview and left him with no  option but to kill those standing in opposition to his racist ideology. Many are trying to smear him by saying he only acted in self-defense, but the evidence reveals this was a kid who just loved the police state.” At press time, Trump added he only wished Rittenhouse would have managed to shoot more protesters.
FDA Promises To Fast-Track Cure For Side Effects Of Fast-Tracked Covid Vaccine #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that they had already earmarked tens of millions of dollars toward funding the vital medication, the FDA  reportedly promised Tuesday to fast-track a cure for the side effects of the fast-tracked Covid-19 vaccine. “Developing a response to address the effects of the accelerated coronavirus vaccine, whatever they end up being, is our number-one priority,” said FDA commissioner Stephen Hahn, adding that the agency planned to bypass phase three testing and get the cure out on the market before the most debilitating side effects of the administration’s Covid-19 vaccine became permanent. “Once we have the initial data in place that tell us whether the coronavirus vaccine causes, for example, profuse vomiting, excruciating pain, or organ failure, we’ll be able to ensure that a cure will be available to Americans shortly after the vaccine. We know how much widespread suffering the coronavirus has caused, and how much widespread suffering a fast-tracked, minimally tested vaccine is likely to cause, so we’re working to keep a cure for the as-yet-unknown side effects a top priority.” FDA officials additionally confirmed they were also preparing to fast-track a cure for the side effects of the fast-tracked cure for the side effects of the coronavirus vaccine. 
‘I Still Think The 1986 Boston Celtics Were Better,’ Says Bill Simmons Critiquing Wife’s Lasagna #~# LOS ANGELES—Waxing philosophic about the team’s chemistry and grit over the dinner table, media mogul Bill Simmons critiqued his wife’s lasagna Tuesday by insisting that the 1985-1986 Boston Celtics were still better. “You made a great marinara sauce, honey, but it doesn’t quite blend together like Bird, Parish, and McHale,” said Simmons, insisting that the three-layered pasta dish simply was not as deep as the Celtics roster that brought Bill Walton off the bench. “I’ll admit that this lasagna is sneaky good. It’s kind of like the Hawks stealing a game from the Celtics in the second round. But we’re talking about a team with Carlisle and  DJ manning the backcourt—your meal just can’t compare.” At press time, Simmons was doing damage control by comparing the speed his wife cleared the table to Michael Jordan’s 63-point performance against the Celtics in Game 2 during the first round of the 1986 Eastern Conference Playoffs. 
Study: Job Applicants With 4-Year College Degree Just As Successful As Those Who Lie About Having 4-Year College Degree #~# Hear how those who fabricated a bachelor’s degree also tended to have better test scores, less student debt, and an additional graduate degree from a prestigious Ivy League school.
Report: Majority Of Break-Ins Occur While Security Guard Watching Aerobics Video, Eating Big Bowl Of Chili #~# WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on how Americans can best protect themselves from burglary, a report from the Pew Center released Tuesday found that the majority of break-ins occur while a security guard is watching an aerobics video and eating a big bowl of chili. “Our research indicates that, by far, the most common scenario of forced entry involves an intruder sneaking in during a period when the watch-person’s eyes are glued to a jumping jacks routine while trying to bring a particularly hot spoonful of beans, meat, and cheese up to their lips,” said lead researcher Donovan Carbo, adding that the security challenges identified were compounded by the fact that the groggy guards rarely looked at the monitor bay until they had already dozed off and fallen out of their chair, dumping the bowl of chili all over their uniforms and the floor in the process. “Those looking to keep their possessions safe should also be on the lookout for other common break-in scenarios such as slipping through while a security guard attempts to flirt with an attractive coworker, unfurls and inspects a Playboy centerfold, or calls in to a radio station to win a contest.” Carbo added that the crimes often weren’t reported until after a heavily armed vehicle came crashing through the guard booth and drove off into the night, leading security officers to stand watching with their mouths agape. 
New Historical Evidence Reveals Ancient Mesopotamians Invented Concept Of Zero After Catching Sight Of Total Fucking Loser #~# OXFORD, UK—Shedding new light on the origin of the number, historians at Oxford University published new evidence Tuesday that the ancient Mesopotamians invented the concept of zero after catching sight of a total fucking loser. “We have unearthed multiple ancient cuneiforms confirming that the Sumerians came up with the idea of a number that lacks any value after they encountered a  shepherd who was just a complete dud,” said Professor Patricia Cornish in a presentation, explaining how the creation of a symbol to denote the absence of material worth was a direct result of a group of scribes observing the pathetic existence of this total fucking waste of space. “They had no way of describing just how vapid this complete nobody was, so they devised a specific character in their numerical system to help them express how little the pitiful dope offered to society. It is not an exaggeration to say that the history of mathematics was radically changed the moment they came into contact with this sorry ass fuck.” Cornish went on to explain that this ancient Sumerian loser was so powerfully vacuous, that word of his lameness later spread across the globe to the Mayans, the Indians, and the Europeans.
Teachers Nationwide Resign, Retire Amidst Coronavirus Chaos #~# Across the country, K-12 teachers are leaving the job citing challenges with remote learning as well as concerns about in-person teaching, including in New York State where retirements are up 20% compared to 2019. What do you think?
Netflix Prices Going Up #~# Popular streaming service Netflix will increase pricing for its most popular plan to $14 per month and its premium plan to $18 per month in an attempt to overcome recent market slumps. What do you think?
How Election Night Could Unfold #~# Election night, Nov. 3, is being scrutinized as uncertainties with voting, a pandemic, and the rhetoric of President Donald Trump have led to speculation that there might not be a firm resolution. The Onion looks at the most likely ways that election night could unfold.
Mike McCarthy Dismisses Talk Of Locker Room Turmoil After Cowboys Burn Mike McCarthy Effigy On Field #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Promising that the team was all on the same page heading into this week’s matchup with the Eagles, Dallas head coach Mike McCarthy dismissed rumors of turmoil in his locker room Friday after Cowboys players burned an effigy of him at midfield. “The media is trying to start a narrative by saying the players pelting an effigy of me with rotten fruit, beheading it, and lighting it on fire is a sign of dissatisfaction, but I assure you we are all just focused on winning,” said McCarthy, dodging a trash can that was hurled at him by wide receivers Amari Cooper and Michael Gallup. “All these writers saying the players have quit on the team just because they overturned my car, that’s just bullshit. You talk about all the photos of me with my eyes gouged out that are pinned to the wall with hunting knives as if it’s a story, fine, but we are unified and taking it week by week. And as far as all the firearms and explosives being stockpiled in the locker room, I have no comment. Right now, my only concern is that our pad level is too high.” At press time, McCarthy was praising the teamwork and hustle of the players who broke into his house and spray-painted “Resign,” over every surface.
Where The Presidential Candidates Stand On Important Issues #~# Trump: Wait, didn’t you hear? The vaccine came out and everyone got cured months ago.
HGTV Exec Moans With Pleasure Upon Receiving Word About Triplets Who Flip, Furnish, and Sell Houseboats In The Carolinas #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Calling the discovery “too good to be true,” HGTV development executive Robert Courter reportedly moaned with pleasure Friday upon receiving word about triplets who flip, furnish, and sell houseboats in the Carolinas. “Sweet Jesus, look at the way they swing those big sledge hammers,” said Courter, who let out a soft whimper as he watched footage of the three sisters exchanging playful banter and barbs while arguing over which mosaic tiles to use for the kitchen backsplash. “And they’re identical too? Fuck. This is just perfect, we’ll call it Seeing Triple—wait no—Triple Flip. Ooh, that’s it. The only way this could be better is if they were Mormon. Wait they are? Good Lord. This is almost too much. I got to book a flight out there before TLC sinks their claws into them.” At press time, Courter had rushed off to go take a cold shower after learning the siblings were married to a rival group of triplet houseboat flippers. 
Report: More Souls Deferring Entrance To Heaven For A Year To Backpack Through Spirit Realm #~# ASTRAL PLANE—Citing an increased desire to take some time for themselves before joining the great choir invisible, more souls are choosing to defer entrance to Heaven for a year in order to spend time backpacking through the spirit realm, according to a comprehensive interfaith report released Thursday. “I have my whole afterlife ahead of me to bask in the divine light of God, so I figure, hey, why not stop and spend some time exploring the celestial spheres?” said soul Greg Heinlen, one of thousands of incorporeal manifestations planning a gap year to enjoy the metaphysical realm’s most popular attractions. “I think it’s important to contemplate the cosmos at my leisure before I really commit to Heaven. Obviously, I want to drink from Lethe, the river of forgetfulness, and I want to surf the cosmic tides. And then, Purgatory—yes, it’s basically a tourist trap, but they have super cheap hostels, so I may as well check it out.” Heavenly officials have stressed that admission for all souls is subject to review and possible revocation if evidence comes to light of lewd pursuits during visits to Hell.
Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out #~# A pro-Trump voter from rural Missouri. A young, die-hard Democrat from Boston. Can they put their difference aside, and prove that there is more that unites us than divides us? We’ll find out as soon as we unlock the door of the room they’ve been sealed inside of for the last week.
Coconut Milk Pulled From Shelves Over Forced Monkey Labor #~# Under pressure from animal advocacy group PETA, retailers have stopped stocking coconut milk brand Chaokoh due to allegations of using forced monkey labor in Thailand to pick coconuts. What do you think?
Election Almost Over #~# With less than one week until polls close, the nation continued its sprint to finish one of the most contentious and exhausting elections in recent history as early voter count rose to over half of 2016’s final turnout. What do you think?
Texas Voters Line Up To Shoot Ballots At Local Election Range #~# CANYON, TX—Loading their firearms with enough ammo to mark their preferred candidates for each race, Texas voters lined up to begin shooting their 2020 ballots at local election ranges, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s always nice to stare down the ol’ iron sights and make your voice heard by leaving a bullet hole on your favorite politicians,” said Cal Humphries, 54, who shouldered an AR-15 and fired multiple rounds into a sheet of paper that hung from a target retrieval system to indicate his choice in a series of down-ballot judicial races. “Being able to hit a bull’s-eye on your Senate pick is a hallowed right that our ancestors fought and died for. Just make sure you’re using the right caliber bullet, though, or your vote may be disqualified.” At press time, a visibly furious Humphries was heard cursing loudly after one of his shots was slightly off, leading him to accidentally select Green Party presidential candidate Howie Hawkins.
Fantasy Football Week 8: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# NFL Week 8 is a time of introspection and reflection in the fantasy football world, a week where you look back on the mistakes of the past and start to get in touch with the lineup that makes you truly happy. Onion Sports fantasy expert Gary Borkowski is here to aid in that quest with his top players to start or sit.
Man Relieved Movie Won’t Be Too Scary After Character Assures Friend There No Such Thing As Ghosts #~# MOBILE, AL—Pleased to have his concerns mitigated so early on, local man Sammy Althaus was reportedly relieved Thursday that the movie he was watching wouldn’t be too scary after one of the characters assured her friend there is no such thing as ghosts. “I was a little nervous about this film since I don’t like getting scared, but luckily one of this group of teens clarified in the first 15 minutes that she doesn’t believe in any of that superstitious nonsense, so it should be smooth sailing from here on out,” said Althaus, telling reporters that he had continued to relax as the teenagers began drinking and partying, evidently without a care in the world. “I’ll admit I started getting uneasy again when everyone heard a weird groaning sound coming from the attic, but then they explained that it was probably just the sounds of the house settling, so I’m looking forward to them exploring some sort of home-improvement-related subplot for the remaining runtime, which should be pretty fun!” At press time, Althaus’s building anxiety had been assuaged once again after the film’s female protagonist responded to being plunged into darkness by suggesting that her friends were pulling some kind of lame prank. 
Authorities Urge Orange County Residents To Stop Building Additions Onto Homes Currently On Fire #~# YORBA LINDA, CA—Asking the members of the wealthy local citizenry to put a brief pause on their construction projects, Orange County authorities reportedly urged residents Thursday to stop building additions onto homes that are currently on fire. “We understand that a breezeway or infinity pool is your top priority at the moment, but we humbly ask residents to just delay any inessential home improvement projects until firefighters have extinguished the wildfires currently blazing through your estates,” said Orange County fire marshal Lori Smith, adding that it was making firefighters’ jobs more difficult when they were competing for room with construction workers erecting a sauna. “The nature of the fast-moving Silverado and Blue Ridge wildfires means that more than likely, that fourth floor you’re adding might end up getting destroyed by a blaze, and you’d just have to start over. We recommend waiting until the fires have at least subsided into smoldering embers before continuing construction on the sunroom or fitness center, and we pledge to let you know as soon as your guest wing project can resume. In the meantime, if you must continue building a patio or gazebo, we recommend stone materials, as these will work best in the face of the flames currently moving through your properties.” Orange County officials added that they had already secured millions of dollars in emergency funding from California to allow local residents to build their third dream homes after the fire was extinguished.
Woman Heartbroken For All Shelter Pets Who Will Be Put Down Without Ever Being Dressed Like A Ghostbuster #~# CHICAGO—As she gazed into each kennel and let out a deep, regretful sigh, 31-year-old Chicago resident Lisa Kessler told reporters Thursday it broke her heart to think of all the pets in her local shelter who would be put down without ever being dressed like a Ghostbuster. “It’s just so sad that the majority of the dogs in here will be put to sleep, never getting the chance to wear a little tan jumpsuit, a doggy-sized proton pack, or a bushy Harold Ramis wig,” said Kessler, adding that if she had the time and money, she would adopt every animal in the facility, put them in adorable costumes representing all major characters from the 1984 comedy classic and parade them before her friends on Instagram. “That’s something every pet deserves to do once. Even though I’m leaving today with a new dog, it pains me to know so many of those who remain will have their lives cut short before ever getting posed next to a person who is also dressed like a Ghostbuster, or next to a cat dressed like Slimer. Unfortunately, thousands of senior dogs, pit bulls, and Chihuahuas get put down too soon, despite the fact that most of them can still really clean up on Halloween.” Kessler went on to acknowledge that some pets may simply whine and chew at their costumes after they are dressed up, at which point it may indeed be time to take them to a vet and have them euthanized. 
9-Year-Old Sad That Father’s iPad Moving Out #~# LA JOLLA, CA—His eyes flooding with tears as the full weight of the news sank in, local 9-year-old Taylor Warner announced Thursday that he was very sad his parents were getting divorced and his father’s iPad would soon be moving out of the house. “I’m going to miss Dad’s iPad so much when it isn’t here with me every day,” said the sobbing fourth-grader, who was reportedly struggling to come to terms with the fact that the device that comforted him and made him smile would no longer be there for him when he woke up each morning and went to bed each night. “My whole life, anytime I’ve felt lonely or sad, I could go find my Dad’s iPad and we’d play a fun game together or find a YouTube channel that would cheer me up. My favorite was weekends, when Dad didn’t need the iPad for work and we could spend the whole day together. If I ask Mom to buy me a toy or game, she usually says no, but Dad’s iPad always lets me. I wish I could hold it right now.” At press time, Warner was seen awkwardly getting to know his mom’s new boyfriend’s Amazon Fire tablet.
Aspiring Actor Considers Giving Up After Struggling To Break Into Steven Spielberg’s House #~# LOS ANGELES—Complaining that successful entry was largely determined by nepotism, aspiring actor Xander Barrick confirmed Thursday he might give up on his dreams after struggling for years to break into Steven Spielberg’s 20,000-square-foot Pacific Palisades compound. “I moved out here in 2017 and have been trying to break in ever since, but there are just so many barriers you have to overcome,” said Barrick, admitting he was optimistic when he first arrived in Hollywood, especially after he landed in a spot on the front lawn and made a brief appearance in Spielberg’s living room window. “Lately, I find myself climbing higher and higher only to fall back down to ground level again. It’s frustrating, because if I could make it in this place, I know people would start noticing me in ways they haven’t before. But it’s just so hard to get your foot in the door.” At press time, several reports indicated Barrick had resolved to break into porn director Dale DaBone’s studio apartment. 
Man Who Only Waited 15 Minutes To Vote Worried Experience Too Easy To Be Legitimate #~# ATHENS, GA—Growing increasingly suspicious as he reflected on the ease of casting his ballot, local man Andrew Perez told reporters Thursday that he worried only 15 minutes of waiting had meant his voting experience had been too easy to be legitimate. “Man, I was just in and out of the polling place in no time, so I don’t know if my ballot is even being counted,” said the visibly flustered Perez, who grew overcome with a sinking feeling after remarking that he failed to encounter a single obstacle at the ballot box. “Come to think of it, there were a lot of pretty sketchy signs—the place had plenty of ballots, they didn’t bother me about my driver’s license, the machine worked fine, and there were no poll watchers outside trying to hassle anyone. Also, the instructions on how to fill out the ballot itself the were clear and easy to follow. Jesus, what the fuck was wrong with this place?” At press time, Perez’s worries had been alleviated after receiving a letter saying his ballot had been rejected for being improperly filled out.
New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly #~# And later, we explain how to properly fill out your mail-in ballot just in case you’re too fucking stupid to figure it out yourself.
New Coral Reef Discovered Off Australian Coast #~# Scientists have discovered a detached coral reef measuring 1,640 feet tall within the Great Barrier Reef, the first to be discovered in over 120 years. What do you think?
The Onion’s State-By-State Election Guide #~# The Onion provides voters in each state with the facts they need to make an informed decision and several dozen completely uninformed decisions at the ballot box. 
Timeline Of The 2020 Election Cycle #~# On November 3, Americans will head to the polls to potentially make their voices heard in electing the next president of the United States. The Onion looks back at the most pivotal moments of the 2020 election cycle.
Country To Experience Rare Halloween Full Moon #~# While full moons regularly appear on Halloween every 19 years for some time zones, this October 31st will mark the first time since 1944 that a full moon will be visible to Americans across all U.S. time zones. What do you think?
Lines Come To Standstill Outside Wisconsin Polls After State’s Official Voting Pen Rolls Under Vending Machine #~# MADISON—Authorities confirmed Wednesday that the already long six-hour lines had come to a standstill at Wisconsin polls after the state’s official voting pen rolled under a vending machine. “We regret to inform voters that earlier today, an elderly poll worker mistakenly dropped the only available voting pen in all of Wisconsin and watched helplessly as it went past the bubbler and got stuck in a dark, hard to reach corner,” said Wisconsin Elections Commission spokesperson Katheryn Vanderheyden, adding that already overrun polls would be closed statewide until the writing utensil, which was the only utensil allowed to be used to cast a vote since 1978, could be located and returned. “As of this morning, we know that the pen is pert’ near the back. We just don’t know where about that darn thing went. Officials have tried everything from shining a flashlight down there and looking for a stick or something to fish it out, believe you me.” At press time, the Supreme Court had reportedly ordered the polls to shut down once again after election authorities located the pen, only to find out it was out of ink.
Man Falsely Imprisoned For 24 Years Granted Permission To Serve Out Remainder Of Term In New Wrongfully Accused Wing #~# ANGOLA, LA—Following over two decades of incarceration, Louisiana Penitentiary inmate Reggie Clark, a man falsely imprisoned for 24 years, was finally granted permission Wednesday to serve out the remainder of his sentence in the prison’s new Wrongly Accused Wing. “This was an unacceptable miscarriage of justice, which is why we will be immediately moving Mr. Clark to our new state-of-the-art facility for those who should have never imprisoned here in the first place,” said warden Brent Albertson, confirming that a transfer to the multimillion-dollar section of the prison came with a number of privileges including an additional 20 minutes in the yard per day as well as expanded access to a cell phone and major discounts from the prison commissary. “While we will never be able to fully make up for the harrowing experience endured by Mr. Clark in gen-pop these last 24 years, we hope spending the next few decades in a brightly lit, Art Deco-inspired building hobnobbing with other innocent prisoners will help begin the healing process.” At press time, Albertson noted that the crown jewel of the new wing was an expansive rooftop garden containing the bodies of death row prisoners who had been posthumously exonerated.
Georgia GOP Defends Hours-Long Voting Lines As Perfect Amount Of Time To Slow Cook Pulled Pork #~# ATLANTA—In response to criticism that the protracted waits at polling places were a clear example of voter suppression, Georgia Republicans argued Wednesday in defense of the state’s hours-long lines for early voting, saying it gave citizens just the right amount of time to slow cook pulled pork. “Look folks, long lines at the polls provide Georgians with an unbeatable opportunity to cook up some juicy, succulent barbecue sandwiches,” said Brad Raffensperger, Georgia’s Republican secretary of state, who told reporters that instead of complaining about systematic disenfranchisement, voters should use the occasion to sear a bone-in pork shoulder, toss it in the Crock-Pot with some onion and spices, and let it cook low and slow while they wait in line six to eight hours to cast their ballots. “Having to miss an entire shift and lose a day’s pay is well worth it when you know you’ll come home to a flavor-packed cut of meat you can easily shred and toss with a homemade barbecue sauce. We’re honestly doing you a favor by giving you a chance to make this delicious, crowd-pleasing dinner, which we recommend serving with slaw over toasted potato buns.” Raffensperger added that the multiple days it will take to count the ballots after polls close should give Georgians plenty of time to jar some homemade pickles to accompany their barbecue.
Hundreds Of Years Of Race, Class Privilege Allow Man Extra Legroom #~# DENVER—As he stretched out 3 inches beyond the space afforded passengers in the rest of the main cabin, Delta Airlines passenger Carter Foss reportedly enjoyed the benefits of hundreds of years of racial and class privilege Wednesday by upgrading to a seat with extra legroom. Sources confirmed his purchase of a Delta Comfort-plus seat, the culmination of centuries of social and financial advantage granted to his family by virtue of their skin color and accumulation of wealth across generations, added $70 to the cost of his flight from Denver to Atlanta, a price Foss could easily pay. According to reports, the circumstances of his birth also provided the 31-year-old consultant with premium snacks, guaranteed overhead bin space, and the right to sit in front of other people on the plane, amenities he received in addition to a lifetime of access to quality healthcare, elite education, home mortgages on generous terms, and good-paying jobs. At press time, sources reported that Foss had decided to expense the cost of the upgraded seat to his employer, a request that would be granted without question.
American Populace Worried They’re Not Likeable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President #~# Hear why the American populace has never been lucky in leadership, and is now beginning to wonder if they’re the reason they’ve never been able to settle down with someone who’s truly the electable type.
Jay-Z Launches Cannabis Line #~# Rap mogul Jay-Z on Friday launched Monogram, a line of cannabis products from the company Caliva where he is the chief brand strategist. What do you think?
NASA Confirms Evidence Of Water On Moon #~# NASA confirmed Monday that chemical analysis reveals the lunar surface harbors multiple pockets of frozen water, including in areas exposed to sunlight, bolstering previous theories about the existence of H2O on the moon. What do you think?
Old-School Baseball Fan Doesn’t Need Some Formula To Tell Him Which Players Have Best WAR, wOBA #~# YAKIMA, WA—Recalling the better days when there was real art to arguing over who had the greatest skills, local baseball fan Dennis Morehouse complained Tuesday that he does not need some stupid formula to tell him which players have the best WAR or wOBA. “Back in the ’60s and ’70s, you didn’t need some website and a bunch of math to tell you who was leading the league in defensive runs saved, you just knew it in your gut,” said Morehouse, who fondly reminisced about the evenings he would spend at the bar arguing with his buddies over whether Mike Schmidt or Rickey Henderson had a higher WAR. “It’s just no fun when there is some nerd with a chart telling me a player’s isolated slugging; I should be deciding that for myself. And honestly, what does a computer know about how many RBIs someone has? That’s just something you figure out on the field by seeing who runs harder. Pretty soon, they’re gonna come up with some dumb stat to tell us who scored more runs in each game.” At press time, Morehouse was signing a petition for the MLB to return to the process of determining the World Series winner by arguing over local sports radio stations.
Clayton Kershaw Insists He’s Still Fresh Enough To Melt Down Out Of The Bullpen #~# LOS ANGELES—Expressing his desire to continue contributing to the World Series in any small way after two quality starts, Clayton Kershaw reassured his Dodgers teammates Tuesday that he was still fresh enough to melt down out of the bullpen. “I know everyone expects me to be completely spent, but this is the World Series and I’m still ready to go if the team needs me to blow a game in relief,” said Kershaw, clarifying that his throwing arm felt great thanks to the strict tantrum limit he followed during the regular season. “I’ve got plenty of gas in the tank to throw some beach balls. It’s not really a big deal to blow our shot at a championship on two-days rest. We’re one game away from taking this, which means all hands on deck—we all need to chip in to make sure we have a heartbreaking collapse.” At press time, Kershaw had started warming up in the bullpen by accidentally beaning his pitching coach. 
New Environmental Initiative Calls For Planting 20 Million New Earths #~# NEW YORK—Declaring that bold effort was the only way to stave off the devastating planetary effects of climate change, a new environmental initiative Tuesday reportedly called for planting 20 million new Earths. “Together we can save humanity from climate change, and even a dollar can help us grow millions of the new habitable planets we need in just 4 billion years,” said Scott Langston, one of the co-founders of Project Plant-An-Earth, showing off a rendering the nonprofit had made of a completely transformed galaxy landscape including millions of eco-friendly new astronomical bodies that could support human life. “Right now we’re in the midst of a terrifying biodiversity crisis. Planting these new Earths will help mitigate much of that damage, and will increase the diverse wilderness available to flora and fauna by 20 million percent. We can all commit today to being part of the solution to rising carbon dioxide levels by creating pristine new planets. Several Silicon Valley leaders have made generous financial contributions to planting new Earths, of course, but sustainability starts at home—even planting an Earth in your yard or on your rooftop will help ensure that there are enough new planets to help support human life.” The Project Plant-An-Earth founders added that they were also demanding sustainability by calling on any viable new planets to achieve net-zero carbon emissions by 5.2 billion years from now.
Man Sucked Down Obscure Internet Rabbit Hole Of Learning About Down-Ballot Candidates #~# CHICAGO—Clicking rapidly through links scattered across the darkest corners of the Water Reclamation District website, Chicago resident Daniel Harris told reporters Tuesday he was sucked down an obscure internet rabbit hole learning about down-ballot candidates. “Okay, so I started out researching the big national races, but three hours later, I’m somehow still fucking around on my computer looking up all this weird nonsense about the Illinois Supreme Court,” said Harris, sighing as he described all the time he’d wasted reading through dozens of tabs about ballot measures, term limits of state’s attorney, and a summary of all 62 judges running for retention within Cook County. “I mean, how did I even get here? All I wanted to do was vote, but now I know all this weird stuff about the role of a comptroller and all these random rulings on county-specific court cases. Like, yeah, it’s fun to read and all, but why does it matter if a judge is flagged by ‘Injustice Watch’? Where am I ever going to use that?” At press time, Harris told reporters that all of this obscure political knowledge was especially useless because he never planned to vote outside of the presidential race.
New Parents Freaked Out Upon Learning That Babies Can Live Up To 100 Years #~# NEWBURYPORT, MA—Panicking after encountering the information while reading through an  article online, new parents Lindsey Conway and Michael Rhodes reportedly freaked out Tuesday upon learning that babies can often live up to 100 years. “Oh God, we got this baby thinking it would just be a few year commitment, tops,” said Conway, who grew increasingly distressed with her partner as she discovered that some infants can be expected to grow up to six feet long. “Jesus Christ, do you know how much feeding this thing is eventually going to cost? And it’s not even going to stay that cute. It looks like they can get pretty dangerous after the first decade or so. Why don’t they tell you all this before you bring them home?”At press time, the parents had resolved drop the baby off at the shelter first thing tomorrow morning.
The Onion Looks Back At 199 Trimesters Of Reproductive Rights In America #~# Full story.
Election Experts Worry Record Voter Turnout Could Make Nation Look Like A Bunch Of Dorks #~# Hear why the high volume of voters in 2020 could pose a massive problem by making our country look like a bunch of pencil-pushing poindexters.
Nxivm Cult Leader Faces Sentencing #~# Keith Rainere, the founder of Nxivm, which has been described as a pyramid scheme, sex-trafficking operation, and a cult, will be sentenced on Tuesday after a federal jury found him guilty on all charges of sex trafficking, racketeering, and posession of child pornography last year. What do you think? 
Republicans Rushing To Confirm 6 More Supreme Court Justices Before Election #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that they were under a tight deadline, Senate Republicans told reporters Monday they were rushing to confirm six more Supreme Court justices before the election. “We’ve been moving so fast with the Amy Coney Barrett confirmation because there are six more sets of hearings and votes we want to finish within the next week,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, noting that Republicans wanted to make sure, while they still held power to sidestep any Democrat complaints, that they curated a diverse selection of nuanced conservative opinions on the court to rule for the next few decades. “We’re already planning to double up on a couple of the hearings by simultaneously questioning a judge from Virginia with two months of experience and some other judge I’ve never heard of but who’s already been vetted by the Federalist Society. Hopefully, all six are confirmed and sitting on the bench before the American people have their say at the polls.” At press time, all six conservative justices had been confirmed to the Supreme Court and Republican senators had announced they were going to try to fit in 10 more spontaneous confirmations before  election day.
Armenia, Azerbaijan Announce They Will Only Agree To Ceasefire That Allows Them To Still Shoot Missiles At Each Other #~# BAKU, AZERBAIJAN—During peace talks over the long-disputed territory of Nagorno-Karabakh, officials from both Armenia and Azerbaijan announced Monday they would only agree to a ceasefire if it included a provision that allowed them to continue shooting missiles at each other. “After decades of conflict, I truly believe we are on the verge of a diplomatic breakthrough, so long as any agreement to pause hostilities recognizes our absolute right to launch ballistic missiles and carry out bombing raids against our adversary,” Azeri President Ilhan Aliyev said in a statement that was echoed by Armenian authorities and followed days of negotiations for which refusing to stop missile strikes and the shelling of civilian residences was a strict precondition. “We’ve been able to find common ground on many issues, especially the need for any truce to include language that preserves the ability of each side to fire explosive devices at the other. That’s nonnegotiable, of course. Once we have a ceasefire in place, it is my hope we will sign a permanent treaty that allows us to lay down our arms and, apart from the occasional incineration of an entire village, live in peace.” Both Armenia and Azerbaijan reassured the international community that during a ceasefire the use of all other weapons, including guns and hand grenades, would be strictly limited to close-quarter combat situations in which missiles weren’t an option.
U.S. Hits Record Coronavirus Cases 2 Days In A Row #~# The United States reported 83,757 new Covid-19 cases on Friday and 83,718 cases on Saturday, both days surpassing the previous record of 77,300 from mid-July, which experts say will likely lead to more hospitalizations and deaths this winter. What do you think?
Frustrated Habitat For Humanity Workers Forced To Shoo Jimmy Carter Out Of Yet Another House #~# ATLANTA—Expressing their revulsion at the extent of the infestation, frustrated Habitat for Humanity workers were forced to shoo Jimmy Carter out of yet another house, sources confirmed Monday “Oh God, it looks like he made himself a nest in the attic, which means he’s probably been up here for weeks,” said volunteer Deborah Phippin, using a broom to bat at the 96-year-old former president as he skittered hissing into a corner. “You might not know it to look at him, but he can be very wily, so you have to be careful not to let him escape further into the house. If things get really desperate, I might have to try baiting him into the yard with some peanuts.” At press time, Phippin conceded that at least Jimmy Carter was a harmless nuisance unlike some of the really pernicious pests they had to deal with at the Clinton Foundation
Fed-Up Lifelong Conservative To Cast Vote For Biden, Family Member Inaccurately Reports #~# ATLANTA—Having lost all confidence in President Trump’s abilities, fed-up lifelong conservative Jerry Holden was planning on casting his vote for Joe Biden, family member Gina Rupert inaccurately reported Monday. “Dad has been a staunch Republican for over 40 years, but he’s sick and tired of Trump and finally said ‘Enough is enough’ [and whatever else he had to to get me and my liberal siblings off his back],” Rupert wrote in a viral social media post, which included a photo of her father smiling for the camera knowing he could now vote for his preferred candidate in peace. “He took one look at the state of things and declared, ‘I’m voting for Biden [if that will get you to shut up]. We’re really amazed. This is the first time he’s ever supported a Democrat. This really shows how people can change—and hopefully this country, too.” At press time, Holden had voted a straight Republican ticket. 
Wildfire Makes List Of Spots To Hit On Return Trip To California Next Summer #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Planning out an itinerary for the next time it was in the area, a wildfire was reportedly hard at work Monday making a list of spots to hit on its return trip to California next summer. “I’ve been to a lot of the national forests at this point, but I could really see myself making my way to San Francisco when the weather gets a little warmer,” said the blazing inferno, confirming its intention to spend next July speeding down the Pacific Coast Highway and taking in every inch of the natural beauty. “Of course, there are also so many places in Los Angeles that I’d love to visit—tons of great hiking trails, the Getty Museum, maybe even a tour of some celebrity homes in the Hollywood Hills. And I know it’s a cliché at this point, but there’s no way I’m going to California without going through wine country again.” At press time, the wildfire had realized that it was already spending so much time on the west coast it might as well stay all year round.
Veterans Affairs Secretary Struggling To Profit Off Of Underfunded Department #~# WASHINGTON—Blaming the chronic lack of resources for hampering his ability to run the agency the way he wanted, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert Wilkie told reporters Monday that he was struggling to profit off of his underfunded department. “When I took this job, I really didn’t expect that there would be so little funding going to veteran care that it’s basically impossible to skim millions of dollars off the top,” said Wilkie, adding that he left a lucrative position in the private sector because he believed that working in the Veterans Affairs department would allow him to rake in some quick cash for himself and his friends. “Frankly, I was just going to slash funding for healthcare and community care and redirect that money into outrageously overpriced consulting gigs, but Congress has spent so many years depriving veterans of funding that there’s basically nothing left to gut. As it is, I can barely cobble together the cash for a single private jet ride—and that’s only going one way. When I talk to other Trump appointees like [Education Secretary] Betsy DeVos and [Transportation Secretary] Elaine Chao and hear about the easy money they get from their golden-goose agencies, I can’t help but wonder why our government is okay with leaving the leaders of the Veterans Committee out in the cold.” Wilkie also expressed concerns that he hadn’t made it clear enough in previous budget requests that none of the money would be actually going to veterans.
NASA Announces Moon Will Be Leaving Earth’s Orbit To Take On New Position With Bigger Planet #~# WASHINGTON—Congratulating the natural satellite for moving on to new and exciting opportunities, NASA announced Monday that the moon would be leaving Earth’s orbit to take on a position with a bigger planet at the end of the month. “This is obviously a bittersweet moment since we’ve had such a wonderful longstanding relationship with the moon, but we’re all just really excited to see what it gets up to with a powerhouse planet like Jupiter in its corner,” said NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine, adding that while the moon had always been an exemplary heavenly body, the new post would give it the opportunity to mingle with colleagues such as Europa and Ganymede that a small planet like Earth simply couldn’t provide. “Luckily, we have a number of bright young asteroids already in orbit who can help pick up the slack as the moon transitions to this new phase.” Bridestine added that in some ways it was a relief to say goodbye since the moon and Earth had always held major creative differences about the tides.
Aaron Sorkin Defends Taking Liberties With Scene In Which All Members Of Chicago 7 Endorse Joe Biden #~# LOS ANGELES—Addressing criticism about the film during a press junket in support of its streaming release, director Aaron Sorkin told reporters Monday that he stood by taking liberties with a scene in The Trial Of The Chicago 7  in which every member of the group announces their unequivocal endorsement of Joe Biden. “Look, we may have taken some creative license here and there, but the spirit of the Chicago 7 has absolutely been preserved by having these protesters offer their full-throated support to Joe Biden’s presidential bid,” said the director, who repeatedly stood by the moment when all of the defendants in the trial for their incitement to riot look directly into the camera and emotionally declare “Joe Biden is the right man for the job!” over the judge’s strenuous objections. “Now, obviously, is the movie mostly about the 1968 Vietnam protests? Of course. But would we have served [Yippy founder] Abbie Hoffman’s memory better by removing the heartbreaking moment where he breaks down in tears under cross-examination, stands up his seat, and shouts ‘Your honor, I’m not sure we see eye to eye on everything, but I fervently agree with Joe Biden that we must restore the soul of this country’? I don’t think so. Just think about it. These men were progressives; many people who support Joe Biden now are progressives. So, if you really examine things, this is exactly what would’ve happened.”At press time, Sorkin had abruptly backpedaled after a follow-up question on an episode in The West Wing’s third season in which the characters played by Martin Sheen, John Spencer, and Bradley Whitford discover Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction during a routine diplomatic visit to Iraq.
Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visual Aids #~# OPR election expert Patton Oswalt attempts to explain the controversial practice, but this time on a podcast. Will he be able to show voters how gerrymandering affects their ballot without using any of his usual charts or maps?
Study Finds Male Chimps Mellow With Age #~# Primatologists at Tufts University say that much like humans, male chimps become less aggressive as they age and maintain close long-term relationships with established friends. What do you think?
Buccaneers Unnerved By Jason Pierre-Paul Celebrating Touchdowns By Lighting Fireworks On Sideline #~# PARADISE, NV—Holding their breath as he threw firecracker after firecracker at the Gatorade jug, members of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers  were reportedly unnerved Sunday by Jason Pierre-Paul celebrating touchdowns by lighting fireworks on the sideline. “I heard this loud ‘pop, pop, pop,’ and whipped around to see Jason lighting another one. Where does he even get them from?” said linebacker Devin White, who claimed that, in last week’s game, Pierre-Paul had spent the entire third quarter setting up a display for the end-of-the-game celebration. “Christ, he’s got one called the ‘Powder Keg’ that’s bigger than my bicep. Should we call security? Because I thought he was gonna lose an eye shooting off all the bottle rockets at halftime. Oh fuck, there goes his foot.” At press time viewers at home were dazzled as Pierre-Paul’s exploding arm spelled out ‘Go Bucs’ in blood.
Tampa Bay Awards Ceremonial First Pitch Of World Series Game To Stingray That Killed Steve Irwin #~# ARLINGTON,TX—Praising the cartilaginous fish for embodying the spirit of Tampa, the Rays awarded the ceremonial first pitch of World Series Game 3 to the stingray who killed Steve Irwin. “This stingray is a pillar of the community, he’s stuck with us through some tough times, so it’s only right to honor the fish who put rays on the map,” said GM Erik Neander, who credited the stingray’s role as a pitchman for free agent signings like Charlie Morton and Hunter Renfroe. “This stingray showed bravery and spirit in the face of an aggressive attack. The members of the Tampa Bay Rays organization were always inspired by his story. Despite the controversy around him, we maintain that he was protecting his habitat from a so-called wildlife expert.” At press time, the Dodgers announced plans to hold a 15-minute tribute to local legend the “Night Stalker” Richard Ramirez ahead of Game 5. 
Lori Lightfoot Unveils Plan To Replace Chicago’s Public Transit System With Police #~# CHICAGO—Explaining it was the only way to close the city’s projected $1.2 billion budget shortfall, Mayor Lori Lightfoot unveiled a plan Friday to abolish the Chicago Transit Authority and replace it with police. “Starting next year, our entire public transportation infrastructure will be replaced with teams of police officers who arrive at bus stops and train stations every 14 minutes,” said Lightfoot, who acknowledged that while some residents might struggle to adjust to life without the CTA, they could rest assured knowing an additional 100,000 to 200,000 cops would soon be detailed on and around L platforms throughout the city. “The thin blue line will connect all parts of Chicago. This is the best police force in the world, and I have faith in their ability to take over for our transit system and provide a great service to the community. Our city coffers will also benefit from a reduction in fare evasion, because anytime someone jumps a turnstile, we’ll have 200 to 300 cops waiting right there to deal with them.” Lightfoot went on to announce that Chicago’s current bike-share system would be replaced by a rent-a-cop program.
Average Overdraft Fees Reach Record High #~# According to a study from the personal finance company Bankrate, the average overdraft fee in the U.S. this year is $33.47, an $0.11 increase from 2019 and the highest level on record. What do you think?
Should Republicans Distance Themselves From Trump Or Double Down On Support? #~# President Trump’s sinking poll numbers have led to reports that some Republican leaders are trying to distance themselves from him, while others are being even more vocal in their support to appeal to his dedicated fanbase. The Onion evaluates the reasons why Republicans might decide whether to distance themselves from him or double down on their support.
Steve Mnuchin, Nancy Pelosi Announce Meeting To Put Finishing Touches On 1,000-Piece ‘Starry Night’ Jigsaw Puzzle #~#  
Trump Storms Back Into Interview While Leslie Stahl Eating Lunch At Home #~# NEW YORK—Rattling off accusations of anti-Republican bias as he burst through her kitchen, President Donald Trump reportedly stormed back into his 60 Minutes interview Friday while Leslie Stahl was eating lunch at her home. “Well, well, well, classic radical left-wing news media—48 hours after my interview, and you’re already sitting at home and relaxing like it’s over,” said the 45th president of the United States, who, after ordering Secret Service agents to kick down the door to Stahl’s apartment, told her he “wasn’t done talking yet,” slapped a forkful of roasted brussels sprouts out of her hand, and launched into a rant about how unprofessional she was to be eating on the job. “Don’t interrupt me! You said a lot of nasty, inconsiderate things two days ago, and now I know exactly how I’m going to respond. Just wait until the public sees this—not only are you drinking wine, but you’re not wearing a mask or practicing social distancing. Now, you’re going to invite me to sit down, give me a plate of whatever you’re eating, and give me 15 more minutes, on my terms.” At press time, Trump reportedly made several unsuccessful attempts to flip the table and then stormed out after Stahl again pressed the president on his coronavirus response.
Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator #~# Hear why even the strictest protocols may not be enough to prevent the spread of The J-Dog with a case full of brewskis.
Man Feels Like Girlfriend Hasn’t Been Putting Effort Into His Appearance Lately #~# TAMPA, FL— Expressing concerns that he would have to say something soon, local man Alec Coles told reporters Friday he felt like his girlfriend hadn’t been putting any effort into his appearance lately. “Krista hasn’t bought a new dress shirt or pair of nice slacks for me in months,” said Coles, recalling how he was slightly embarrassed the other day when she let him leave the house in stained, baggy shorts and a hoodie. “She’s really letting me go—she totally dropped my skincare routine and hardly ever encourages me to exercise anymore. I ran out of shampoo last week, and she still hasn’t bought any for me. I can’t even remember the last time she reminded me to shower. I even smell bad. At the very least, she could shave me.” At press time, a frustrated Coles added that while he will always love his girlfriend no matter what, it’s hard to keep the chemistry alive when he always looks like such shit.
David Blaine Wakes Up In Cold Sweat From Nightmare In Which He Dies Of Natural Causes #~# NEW YORK—Mumbling the words “old age” and “in his sleep” as he thrashed and screamed wildly, illusionist David Blaine reportedly woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare Friday in which he died of natural causes. “Oh my God, that was terrible; it really felt like I was on my deathbed, passing away painlessly and peacefully while surrounded by friends and family,” said Blaine, wiping perspiration from his brow and reminding himself that he was far more likely to die suffocating handcuffed in a tank of ice-cold water, or falling 30,000 feet from a balloon floating through the troposphere, than from something as insane as heart disease. “I just can’t unsee it. There was no stage. No crowd. No cage. No knives being repeatedly shoved through my stomach, or a school of sharks ripping me limb from limb. It was just me, the doctor, my wife, my children, and my grandchildren. And we were praying. Jesus Christ, I’m really losing it.” At press time, Blaine was reportedly finally able to go back to sleep after taking a few deep breaths, drinking a glass of water, and strapping himself nude to a lightning rod on the roof of his apartment.
Bob Dylan Not Exactly Rising To Occasion As Far As Current Protest Music Goes #~# NEW YORK—In a nation mired in a deadly pandemic, mass civilian street actions, widespread environmental degradation, and collapsing institutions under the fourth year of Donald Trump’s presidency, it had become clear to sources Friday that Bob Dylan was not exactly rising to the occasion as far as his current protest music goes. “Seriously, we’re in this terrible moment full of awful crises and wanton violence, which really should be easy fodder for even a half-decent protest singer, and here Bob Dylan can’t even get his shit together for a three-minute tune,” sources said, adding that apparently the so-called Voice of a Generation couldn’t cobble together at least one extended metaphor that fiercely and poetically captured the current situation for a 2020 audience. “We gave you a Nobel Prize for Literature, and for what? So you can release some esoteric 17-minute song about the Kennedy assassination in goddamn March and call it a day? We’re still droning people in half a dozen countries, for Christ’s sake. Look, you have a lot of options here—some sparsely instrumented yet grand statement that perfectly summarizes the current maelstrom of blame and chaos like ‘Blowin’ In The Wind’ or ‘The Times They Are A-Changin’’ would be ideal, obviously, but if you would rather hone in on some specific episode of social injustice that serves as a microcosm of a commentary on systemic issues, like ‘Hurricane’ or ‘The Lonesome Death Of Hattie Carroll,’ that works too. Your lyrics don’t even rhyme. All you have to do is sit down with a guitar and just poignantly and pointedly attack the actions of the Trump administration, or really any other aspect of our present moment. It’s not like we’re lacking for subject matter. Jesus, Bob, get your shit together.” Sources added that they would give Dylan the rest of the month to release something as galvanizing and timelessly true as “Masters Of War.”
Researchers Discover New Organ In Human Head #~# Scientists at the Netherlands Cancer Institute have found a previously unknown set of salivary glands that sit behind the nose and help moisten the upper throat, a discovery they say was made accidentally while examining a new kind of cancer imaging technology. What do you think?
Trump Threatens To Leak Debate Video Online If Moderator Keeps Asking Unfair Questions #~# NASHVILLE, TN—In an effort to curb what he called her “aggressive tone,” President Donald Trump threatened during the debate Thursday night to leak a video of the event online if NBC moderator Kristen Welker  kept asking questions he deemed unfair. “By the way, since you’re asking such biased questions, you should know that I’m having this whole thing recorded,” Trump said to Welker, who during the president’s debate against challenger Joe Biden had asked what his administration would do to marshal a robust federal response to the recent surge in Covid-19 cases across the nation. “This has been very unfair from the get-go, and the American people deserve to see for themselves exactly what goes on in a live prime-time debate. So tomorrow, or maybe the next day, I just might decide to tweet out a video of what happened here tonight so everyone will know what the fake news is doing with all these nasty questions. Trust me, they’re going to be completely disgusted by what they watch.” At press time, Welker interrupted Trump to say that the time allotted to him had elapsed.
Miffed Biden Warns Trump’s Undignified Behavior Could Cost Him Cabinet Post #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Growing increasingly frustrated with the president’s behavior over the evening’s proceedings, a visibly miffed Joe Biden warned that Donald Trump’s undignified behavior  at the  debate Thursday could easily cost him a cabinet position. “Folks, what you’ve seen tonight from my friend is conduct that’s obviously beneath becoming my Treasury secretary” said the former vice president, expressing evident distaste as he turned to his debate partner, jabbed his finger in his direction, and made a forceful argument for why Trump could never become the secretary of housing in 2021 despite it dovetailing “quite nicely” with his career as a New York City real estate magnate. “Mr. President, with all due respect, I came into this evening with an open mind to at least adding you to an advisory role in the Oval Office, but I’m afraid if you don’t watch your tone, you’ll just be showing the American people yet again why we can’t use your significant connections in the business world to help my administration build back better. I’m sorry, sir, but that’s where we’re at.” The Democratic candidate concluded the evening with a stirring warning that Trump’s lack of composure only helped show more than ever why a Biden cabinet would instead be stocked with honest Americans like William Barr and Rudolph Giuliani.
Psychic Already Sick Of Spectral James Randi Ragging On Her From Afterlife #~# MIAMI—Struggling to mentally close herself off from the recently deceased skeptic, local psychic Rosemary Shanley confirmed Thursday she was already sick of James Randi’s specter haunting her place of business and ragging on her from the afterlife. “I’m sitting here with my crystal ball trying to see into the future, and it’s hard enough without the ghost of James Randi hovering in front of me and whispering that I’m a fraud and a huckster,” said Shanley, adding that she tried to banish the spirit of the famed debunker and stage magician by sprinkling holy water throughout the room, but the Amazing Randi just scoffed and called the ritual “easily disproved theatrics.” “What’s worse is that he’s taken to appearing before my clients and showing them how he can do everything I can do using nothing more than simple trickery. I was impressed when he first showed up and appeared to roll a pencil across my desk using only his mind, but then he insisted it was basic misdirection and called me a dumbass for believing in psychic powers. That dude needs to get off my case and go heckle some other clairvoyant.” At press time, sources from the beyond confirmed Randi had taken possession of Shanley’s body and was attempting to locate Uri Geller.
‘Fast & Furious’ Franchise To End After 11th Movie #~# The Fast & Furious movie franchise will officially end after the 10th and 11th films, bringing to a close the action series that has generated $5.7 billion worldwide since it began in 2001. What do you think?
Rudy Giuliani Releases Video Of Himself Masturbating To Show What It Would Actually Look Like #~# WASHINGTON—In response to a compromising scene featured in the Borat sequel in which the president’s personal attorney claimed to be tucking in his shirt, Rudy Giuliani released a video of himself masturbating Thursday to show what it would actually look like. “You thought that was masturbating? I’ll show you masturbating,” said Giuliani in a blurry iPhone video that he released to every major national news outlet, which showed the former New York City mayor getting completely naked and weeping as he vigorously pleasured himself. “Hopefully, this footage of me beating my meat to toe-curling completion will dispel any salacious claims about what took place in that hotel. I’ve also shared this with the FBI so they can authenticate it. If you don’t see me standing in the middle of my living room jacking off to a family photo album, then you can rest assured I wasn’t masturbating.” At press time, Giuliani vowed to release a new video of him masturbating every day until the election to help prevent the spread of disinformation.
Eagles Fan Starts Tailgating At 9 A.M. For Custody Hearing #~# PHILADELPHIA—Cracking open a Coors Light as he lit his charcoal grill, Eagles fan Anthony Marcus reportedly started tailgating at 9 a.m. Thursday ahead of the custody hearing for his 8-month-old daughter. “I always like to get together with the boys and throw back a few cold ones before the afternoon trial starts,” said Marcus, pointing toward a crowded section of the parking lot off the side of the courthouse as a “good spot to piss without getting caught.” “It sucks because they don’t let you drink in there anymore, but I’ll try to sneak a beer past security. We’ve got some really good wings my man Blake brings, and Johnny has a public intoxication hearing at the same time, so why not make a day of it? It’s good to let off some steam here, ’cause I got kicked out last week for calling the judge a ‘Homo.’ Fucking pussies.” At press time, Marcus was frantically cleaning vomit off his “good” Carson Wentz jersey before heading into trial. 
Farmer’s Child Forced To Slaughter Pumpkin They Spent Season Caring For #~# JOHNSTON, IA—In a difficult and emotionally taxing rite of passage, local farmer’s child Owen Morrison, 10, was reportedly forced Thursday to slaughter a pumpkin he had spent all season caring for. “I’ve been looking after this sweet little guy for months, and I really love it, but dad says we need to butcher it if we want to survive the next season,” said a sniffling Owen, as he tearfully gave the 10-pound gourd, which he had named “Jack,” its favorite fertilizer as a last meal. “I asked dad if we could just keep this one, but he said no. Poor little thing has no idea what’s about to happen. I hate you, dad, I hate you!” At press time, Owen couldn’t make eye contact as he turned the pumpkin away toward the horizon and slit its stem.
Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End #~# Hear why many Christian pro-life groups are celebrating what they believe could be the judicial power needed to stop pap smears and HPV tests for good.
Kansas National Guard Announces They’re Ready To Defend Against An Attack On Kansas At Any Time #~# TOPEKA, KS—In an evidently unprovoked statement, Kansas National Guard Brigadier General Anthony V. Mohatt announced Thursday that the Kansas National Guard was ready to defend against attacks on Kansas at any time. “From the rolling hills of the east to the sweeping plains of the west, the Kansas National Guard is in a sufficient state of readiness to mount a swift response and retaliate with overwhelming force against any threat that dares oppose the Sunflower State,” said General Mohatt, who went on to elaborate in great detail how, even as he spoke, Kansas National Guard troops had deployed across the state, with steady-handed demolitions units setting traps on major infrastructure; eager pilots idling their fighters and bombers on the ready lines of major air bases; and valiant infantrymen keeping vigil at the border by peering into Colorado, Oklahoma, Missouri, and Nebraska with tactical night-vision binoculars. “With the might and honor, we will defend the land of Kansas. Only the National Guard can claim to know the treacherous terrain like the backs of their hands. And if any tyrant entertains the notion of taking a guardsman alive, know that my orders state that every soldier must fight to his last breath, taking his own life if necessary.” At press time, General Mohatt had mobilized two armored divisions “in response to threatening Sooner Troop movements” on the Kansas border with Oklahoma.
Sesame Street Releases Educational Podcast For Children #~# “The Sesame Street Podcast with Foley & Friends” debuted last week, with 15-minute episodes that focus on school-readiness skills for preschoolers and include recurring segments like “Elmo’s Joke of the Day” and a game show. What do you think?
Nation Glad To See Baseball Players Still Have Names Like Mookie Betts #~# ALTOONA, PA—Basking in delight and nostalgia as they watched the 2020 MLB World Series, the nation was reportedly glad Wednesday to see baseball players still have names like Mookie Betts. “There are very few things you can count on in this life, so seeing that there are still baseball players out there hustling in the outfield with names like Mookie Betts really gives me a sense of continuity and peace,” said local baseball fan Jim Cunningham, echoing Americans across the country who added that they worried after Chipper Jones, Pokey Reese, and Coco Crisp retired that the best years of baseball names were behind them, but seeing Mookie Betts grace their TV screens as the L.A. Dodgers outfielder strode to the plate gave them a warm, fuzzy feeling. “Sure, it might not be the golden years of the 1970s and 1980s, when you’d see guys like Gomer Hodge, Richie Zisk, Bake McBride, Rowland Office, Moose Haas, Spike Owen, Shooty Babbitt, Eric Plunk, Kirby Puckett, Tommy Toms, Carney Lansford, Rusty Kuntz, Candy Maldonado, Dickie Thon, Wally Joyner, Bucky Dent, and Bucky Guth out there, and obviously nothing will top the early era of baseball, back in the late 1890s and early 1900s when you had Chappie Snodgrass, Happy Felch, Pinky Swander, Stoney McGlynn, Dizzy Nutter, Rags Faircloth, Dode Paskert, Sweetbread Bailey, Socks Seibold, Hanson Horsey, Rolla Mapel, Moxie Meixell, Homer Smoot, Hippo Vaughan, Boardwalk Brown, Lee Gooch, Squiz Pillion, Buck Hooker, Moonlight Graham, Hooks Wiltse, Simmy Mirch, Moose Grimshaw, Pop Rising, Red Killefer, Hunky Shaw, Ivey Wingo, Rabbit Maranville, Zip Zabel, Possum Whitted, Toots Coyne, Dazzy Vance, Urban Shocker, and Sad Sam Jones. Today you see all these guys named Bryce and Cody, and you start to get worried, but you know, if there are enough guys around like Mookie Betts, Joc Pederson, Brusdar Graterol, and Randy Arozarena, we might see a baseball name renaissance like back in the ’50s, guys like Pumpsie Green, Yogi Berra, Tookie Gilbert, Corky Valentine, Dick Ricketts, Rinty Monahan, Hobie Landrith, Skeeter Kell, Dusty Rhodes, Footer Johnson, Sparky Anderson, Solly Drake, YoYo Davalillo, Dixie Upright, Rip Repulski, Royce Lint, Sandy Koufax, Rocky Colavito, Connie Grob, Rance Pless, Whammy Douglass, Milt Pappas, Coot Veal, and the immortal Gene Green. It’s just nice, in these troubling times, to know that baseball players named Mookie Betts are out there giving it their all.” At press time, the nation had grown anxious and bemoaned the decline of tradition after the Tampa Bay Rays brought a left-handed pitcher into the game who wasn’t even named Lefty.
NASA Spacecraft Collects Sample From Asteroid #~# NASA’s OSIRIS-REx spacecraft approached the asteroid Bennu and used a robotic arm to collect a sample from its surface on Tuesday, marking the second time humans have made contact with an asteroid. What do you think?
Adam Gase Insists It Way Too Early To Think About Destroying Trevor Lawrence #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Condemning radio hosts and fans who have already started talking about the upcoming draft, New York Jets head coach Adam Gase insisted Thursday that it was way too early to think about how the team would destroy the career of top quarterback prospect Trevor Lawrence. “Look, I know people love to speculate, but my focus is on wasting the careers of the players in this locker room,” said Gase, claiming that current quarterback Sam Darnold is still a young player with a lot of untapped talent to squander. “I’m not thinking about who is going to be throwing pick-sixes next year, I’m thinking about who’s going to be sacked six times next week. This is a long season, and I’m zeroed in on making sure Mekhi [Becton] never develops into a Pro Bowl lineman. I don’t have time to talk about [Trevor] Lawrence, I’ve got a shitty game to put together.” At press time, Gase added that if the Jets continue to execute his vision week after week, Lawrence might simply elect to retire from football anyway. 
Experts Predict Covid-19 Vaccine Could Be Ready As Soon As Team Of Sled Dogs Traverse Yukon With It #~# WASHINGTON—Suggesting that the end of the pandemic may be in sight, epidemiological experts predicted Wednesday that the Covid-19 vaccine could be ready as soon as a team of sled dogs could transport it across the wild tundras of the Yukon. “We’re thrilled to announce that significant progress has been made in a vaccine that targets the novel coronavirus, and we believe we can start releasing it to the general populace once those derring-do canines brave the ice and snow of the Klondike and return to civilization,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, telling reporters that the pack of huskies is working around the clock running thousands of miles through the frozen Canadian territory to deliver the vaccine. “I want to assure all Americans that while our priority is implementing the vaccine as quickly as possible, we will do everything in our power to ensure that adequate safety measures are in place to prevent sled dogs from getting crushed under an avalanche or falling through the ice into a freezing river below.” At press time, Redfield announced that the vaccine had been further delayed after the sled dogs had become locked in a battle for their very survival with a giant grizzly. 
Trump Campaign Reminds Supporters To Make Voting Intimidation Plan #~# WASHINGTON—Urging the public to triple check the location of their local polling place and be ready to harass those around them, the Trump campaign reminded supporters Wednesday to avoid being blindsided this Nov. 3 by making a voting intimidation plan. “This election day, don’t just roll out of bed, make sure you’ve prepared ahead of time to spend up to 10 hours of your day terrorizing voters,” said Trump campaign spokesperson Andy Stephens, adding that this year, due to Covid, it would be more work than ever to pose as an officer and convince voters that their paperwork was incorrect, because there could be thousands of them waiting at any given time. “The bottom line is: Have a plan. Whether you have to take a bus in full tactical gear or carpool with your militia buddies, know how you’re getting to your polling site. Also, don’t leave home without at least two different types of weapons. Remember, this is an opportunity to make our screaming voices heard so that every threat counts.” At press time, Stephens also encouraged Trump supporters to engage with those around them, and make sure to intimidate at least three friends or family members to stay home instead of voting for Biden.
Sam Darnold Pissed He Forgot To Bench Self On Fantasy Team #~# FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Expressing concern that he’s already out of the playoff hunt after a brutal 2-4 start to the season, injured Jets quarterback Sam Darnold was reportedly annoyed Wednesday after forgetting to bench himself on his fantasy team this past week. “Dammit, I’ve actually been meaning to sit myself for weeks, but this was a huge fuckup, especially since I have [Jared] Goff on the bench and he’s at least half-decent,” said Darnold, who revealed that several other owners in his league had complained to the commissioner that his heart clearly was not in it and he was giving other teams easy wins. “Honestly, I should never have drafted me. I’ve been a total dud. I thought I might have a breakout year after showing some promise, but with [Adam] Gase coaching I should have known it was gonna be a disaster. I should just drop myself and take a chance on Tua [Tagovailoa], now that he’s starting.” Darnold added that he still planned to hold on to Le’Veon Bell as he expected him to break out now that he was no longer a Jet.
New Covid Cases Continue To Soar Even Though Todd Peters Of Scottsdale, AZ Said It Would Be Over By Now #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—According to sources close to the 34-year-old computer programmer, official records showed Covid-19 cases continuing to soar Thursday even though Todd Peters of Scottsdale, AZ told people back in June that it would all be over by now. “The country just hit 60,000 new cases a day, despite the fact that Todd explicitly stated everything would be ‘pretty much back to normal’ at this point,” a source told reporters, asking whether Peters thought the people he had said this to a mere four months ago were so goddamn stupid they would forget he had talked out of his ass about how the pandemic had peaked and a vaccine would be available by autumn. “A lot of us thought to ourselves, ‘Hey, this is Todd. We know him, he’s a smart guy. Surely we can trust what he says.’ But here we are with Covid deaths on the rise again, and now everyone knows Todd didn’t have a fucking clue what he was talking about. Does he even care that his aunt bought a plane ticket to Orlando based on what he said and has now been forced to cancel her plans, receiving only a partial refund in the form of credit on a future flight? He’s so fucking full of shit.” At press time, more than a dozen sources confirmed they had contracted the coronavirus from Peters even though he said he had no need to wear a mask.
Paleontologists Unearth Rare, Mint-Condition Triceratops Skull In Goodwill Bin #~# YONKERS, NY—Touting the groundbreaking discovery as the deal of a lifetime, paleontologists from Columbia University announced Wednesday that they had unearthed a rare, mint-condition triceratops skull in a bin at a local Goodwill. “We have uncovered what we believe to be one of the earliest ceratopsid skulls still in existence, with almost zero wear and tear and some very light staining that can easily be polished off,” said lead researcher Allen Marida, confirming that the revolutionary find had occurred quite by accident after his scientific team stopped by the thrift store to browse around for some bowls for their office kitchen. “At first I thought it was just a run-of-the-mill Pliocene bison skull, which are a dime a dozen, but when I took a closer look and realized this was bonafide triceratops I just about lost it. And what’s even more impressive is that this specimen has the wider beak and slightly stubbier rostral bone which got completely scrapped early on, meaning this skull is definitely from the original run of the Ceratopsidae species. I almost feel bad because the Goodwill cashier was only asking 10 bucks for the whole thing so he clearly had no idea what he was sitting on.” Marida added that incredibly the triceratops skull was not even the most significant find of the day, noting that a member of his team had discovered a Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan record still in its original shrink wrap.
Greatest World Series Champions Of All Time #~# Dating back to 1903, the World Series is a long and storied championship unlike any other in professional sports. As either the Los Angeles Dodgers or Tampa Bay Rays prepare to enter the history books, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest teams in World Series history.
Potential Candidates For Biden’s Cabinet #~# If elected president, Joe Biden  can nominate up to 15 cabinet members to advise him on executive departments. The Onion looks at the most rumored choices for Biden’s inner circle.
Highly Informed Voter Has Spent Weeks Studying Trump, Biden Yard Signs #~# PORTAGE, WI—Increasing his scrutiny of the presidential candidates as the election approached, local highly informed voter Mark Stippley told reporters Wednesday that he has spent weeks studying Trump and Biden yard signs. “I know how important this election is and I don’t want to go in to vote uninformed, so I’ve been carefully researching both candidates’ yard signs, including every single street near my house,” said Stippley, who added that he could discuss both candidates’ yard signs in detail, down to the color schemes and whether or not they include the words “Pence” or “Harris.” “You’ll hear the media rant on and on about how these candidates are so polarizing, but if you really go street by street, you’ll see that both signs include red, white, and blue, they both feature the number 2020, and they both mention America. But of course I know that I can’t just draw conclusions from a few yard signs, which is why I try to spend my commute every day looking at yard signs in other neighborhoods. They can help you stay informed, and they show you that the race is closer than it might appear. I mean, yesterday I saw 60% Biden signs and today I saw 40% Biden signs, so it’s going to be a close race. But I do have to stop myself from getting too caught up in it and doom-reading every single sign I see.” The highly informed voter derided any attempt to forecast the election winner after noting that no one even seemed to be talking about the candidate ADT Security despite the large number of signs in nearby yards.
High Crime Rate Leading More Inmates To Consider Moving Out Of Prison #~# Hear where the nation’s incarcerated plan to flee in order to start a safer, quieter life.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About #~# WEST VALLEY CITY, UT—Following several preliminary tests of the unusual growth, Dr. Ron Craig informed patient Tom Stossel Wednesday that the weird lump that appeared on his neck in July was in fact nothing he can afford to worry about. “This might look bad, but I can assure you that this growth poses absolutely no danger that’s within your financial capacity to address,” Dr. Craig told Stossel during the follow-up visit after his tissue biopsy, adding that he would only advise treating the golf ball-sized lesion on the back of his neck if he thought his system could withstand the effects of injecting large quantities of cash directly into the hospital. “Some patients with similar growths do opt for surgery, but in their case, it’s mostly if they have a preexisting capacity to absorb the costs or a family history of great wealth. However, a thorough examination of your insurance plan, your bank accounts, and your employment history found absolutely no evidence that you should consider removing this lesion. For the time being, just put it out of your mind and try to keep comfortable, if not financially so.” Dr. Craig added that the man should immediately schedule a follow-up examination if he noticed any sudden increase in his savings.
Archaeologists Discover Enormous Cat Figure At Nazca Lines Site #~# Archaeologists in Peru have discovered the 121-foot-long figure of a cat etched into a hillside within the UNESCO World Heritage Site known as the Nazca Lines, a collection of lines and geoglyphs made by ancient people that spans over 174 square miles. What do you think?
TSA Screens Over 1 Million Passengers For First Time Since March #~# TSA screened over one million airline passengers on Sunday, the highest single day total since the pandemic began in March, though air travel overall is down 48% compared to a year ago. What do you think?
ISIS Brat Hates Having To Keep Changing Schools Whenever Dad Gets New Deployment #~# HAMRIN MOUNTAINS, IRAQ—Exasperated by the stress of being constantly uprooted, ISIS brat Abu Hamza al-Ahmed confessed Tuesday he hates the ordeal of changing schools whenever his father, a commander in the Islamic State, receives a new deployment. “It really sucks, because right when I start to settle in and make friends, the caliphate gives my dad orders to move to a new country and eradicate the infidel from a whole different part of the world,” said al-Ahmed, who predicted that his father would one day be a great martyr to the cause and bring glory to the family, but complained that in the meantime he, at age 12, had attended a dozen schools and never had any long-term friendships, let alone a girlfriend. “While the bombings are truly glorious, I just wish he’d stop every now and then to consider how destructive his job has been to my social life. Sure, I’ve seen more places than most kids my age—Yemen, Somalia, Nigeria, you name it—but before I  get a chance to really experience them, Dad carries out another righteous attack against the unbelievers and we’re rushed off to the next staging ground. I’m just saying, some stability would be nice for once.” At press time, al-Ahmed had locked himself in his room and refused to speak after being told his father had been reassigned to Washington, D.C.
Cynical Man Knows Biden Election Won’t Actually Solve Fundamental Problem Of His Plantar Fasciitis #~# PHOENIX—Unwilling to entertain the idea of a brighter future, local cynic Kevin Schwertman confirmed Tuesday that he knew electing Joe Biden president wouldn’t actually solve the fundamental problem of his plantar fasciitis. “Look, I would love if Biden could wave a wand and put an end to my plantar fasciitis, but even if the Democrats manage to pull this election off, that’s not going to happen,” said Schwertman, who explained that while he would cast his ballot for the Democratic nominee, the underlying inflammation in the tendons of his left foot was just too severe for one man to change. “Life under Trump hasn’t been easy, but if you look back to when Obama was president, I had heel pain then too. Is Biden going to give me arch support? Ice my feet? Come over and stretch my calves? At the end of the day, it’s obvious I need special shoes.” At press time, Schwertman added that even if he personally received orthopedics, there would still be millions of Americans without gel insoles.
New Store Going To Have To Earn Place On Strip Mall Sign #~# CHICAGO—Saying the business was going to have to prove itself if it wants to hang with the big dogs, representatives of Imperial Garden Shopping Center confirmed Tuesday that Smith Optics, a new glasses store that just opened up, was going to have to earn its place on the strip mall’s roadside sign. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can’t just show up here and expect to be listed alongside Dollar Tree and E-Z Laundry,” said strip mall manager Tony Mavros, explaining how the eyewear boutique was going to have to learn that the decaying, sun-faded sign had a pecking order, at the top of which lies such giants as Discovery Clothing, Ross Dress For Less, and Forever Beauty. “You think you’re hot shit just because you sell glasses? Ross Dress For Less had to fight tooth and nail to get on there, and it’s not going to be any different for you, pal.” Mavros added that it’s irrelevant that half of the shops listed on the sign are currently out of business, as Smith Optics will have to fucking bring it regardless.
Report: Friends Don’t Really Think Of You As Part Of Group #~# Hear why the people you thought you were closest with actually don’t feel similarly at all.
Jason Momoa Brings In Scene Double For Challenging Facial Expression #~# VANCOUVER, CANADA—Referring to his on-screen doppelgänger as a “total badass,” Jason Momoa, star of the forthcoming Aquaman 2, told reporters Monday he and the film’s producers had brought in a scene double to help execute a particularly challenging facial expression required of his character. “I actually do a lot of my own acting, but when the script calls for something really tricky, it’s always best to call in a professional,” said Momoa, whose agent confirmed the Teen Choice Award-nominated actor had long relied on seasoned Hollywood scene double Phil Westwood to handle more complex emotions such as apprehension, remorse, or despair. “While I can manage a bit of glowering, or even fly into a rage, sometimes you have to think about what’s best for the production and say, ‘Okay, these faces are  really hard to make. We need someone who’s trained for this sort of thing.’ I first worked with Phil back on Game Of Thrones, when my character was supposed to be  angry and in love at the same time, and it was way too hard to do both. You should see some of the feelings this guy can express—it’s wild.” At press time, sources said production for Aquaman 2 had been delayed so Westwood could wrap up some acting work as John Cena’s scene double in Fast And Furious 9.
Zoo Awards Child Lifetime Membership For Helping Catch Lemur Thief #~# Five-year-old James Trinh has been awarded a lifetime membership to the San Francisco Zoo after he alerted his teacher to a ring-tailed lemur running across the school playground, leading to the animal’s recapture and the arrest of the man suspected of abducting it from the zoo days before. What do you think?
New Stimulus Bill Would Require All Americans To Mail Government $1,200 Check #~# WASHINGTON—Members of Congress and the White House reportedly reached a deal Tuesday on a long-awaited new coronavirus stimulus bill that would require all Americans to mail the government a $1,200 check. “The new bipartisan legislation will go a long way toward helping Americans relieve the crippling economic effects of the coronavirus pandemic on the U.S. government,” said Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin of the bill, adding that the Trump administration would begin mailing blank checks for people to fill out in the amount of $1,200 and return to the Federal Reserve as early as next week. “This bill will also have provisions for any Americans making over $80,000 a year to send us a smaller check. But there’s no getting around the fact that the economy is hurting, and the best way to help is by mandating that all Americans send money to senators and the Pentagon directly. This was also a bipartisan effort, a compromise reached after Democrats wanted you to send $1,600 and Republicans wanted you to send $1,200. We hope that during this difficult time, all Americans will appreciate that extra $1,200 out of their pocketbooks and into our hands.” The stimulus bill also reportedly includes significant provisions targeted at helping small businesses close.
States See Record-Breaking Turnout For Early Voting #~# Over 26 million Americans have already cast ballots for the 2020 election, more than six times the number that voted by this time in 2016, which experts say is driven by voter enthusiasm as well as concerns about the pandemic and mail-in voting. What do you think?
Woman At Breaking Point In Marriage To Give Relationship Until End Of Her Life #~# FORT  COLLINS, CO—Counseling herself that she could only bear recurring  feelings of impatience and estrangement toward her spouse for so long,  Olivia McGowan told reporters Monday that after hitting her  breaking point, she planned to give the relationship until the end of her  life. “Honestly, I’ve gotten to the point where I can only stand being  with Rob for another 40 or 50 years before I just tell him things  aren’t working out,” said McGowan, noting that while she had initially  brushed off the growing apathy she felt  while with her husband, she now understood that she could only give him  500 or 600 chances to make amends before conceding  things were finally over. “Frankly, it makes me a lot happier to have a  deadline. That way, if I’m 94 and lying on my deathbed—bam, I  know I’m out of this relationship. It won’t be easy, but it’ll be the  right thing to do if things don’t turn around by the time I take my last  breath.” At press time, a flimsy attempt at reconciliation had forced  McGowan to reconsider and suggest that she would wait until her husband  contracted a terminal disease to begin divorce proceedings.
NASA Builds 4G Tower On Moon Tastefully Disguised As Pine Tree #~# WASHINGTON—Sharing impressive first images of the newly installed network, NASA officials confirmed Monday they had built a 4G tower on the moon tastefully disguised as a pine tree. “It’s a little taller than any other trees that would be growing on the moon, but we’re still confident it will blend right in,” said NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine, who explained the 150-foot cellular tower would aid the agency’s goal of establishing a sustained presence on the celestial body without compromising the lunar landscape’s natural beauty. “It’s as realistic as any conifer you could expect to see on a stroll across the moon. All those ugly antennae have been concealed by lifelike plastic branches and finely manicured acrylic pines needles. These professional designers are really good. It’s actually quite classy.” Bridenstine added the administration would also affix a replica bald eagle to the top of the tower to scare away pigeons.
Therapist Knows This Whole Goddamn Gravy Train Of Clients Ends Second Vaccine Announced #~# LYSANDER, NY—Recognizing that the gushing fountain of easy money wouldn’t last forever, local therapist Rob Wetzel confided to reporters Monday that he knows this whole goddamn gravy train of clients will end the second a coronavirus vaccine is announced. “Sure, I’m cleaning up on nodding along to these depressed shut-ins over Zoom right now, but as soon as a cure comes out and people can leave home again, I might actually have to go back to doing some real therapy for a living,” said Wetzel, adding that his savings account has tripled since the coronavirus pandemic started and he’s been able to upcharge new clients for their sessions without leaving his couch. “It’s hard not to break into a grin when these people are talking about how hard it is to be stuck at home with nothing to do but work and watch TV, and meanwhile the only stressful thing in my life is figuring out how big of a new house I can buy. I just click from one session to the next, and who can even tell the difference between these people? This is the easiest money I’ve ever made. But once the vaccine is over, these clients aren’t going to stick around, and this whole fucking goldmine will be tapped out.” Wetzel added that he was trying not to get his hopes up that a vaccine wouldn’t be released until late 2021 and he’d have time to milk the therapy cash cow for a boat.
Trump Attempts To Soften Image Before Election By Adopting Dead Dog #~# WASHINGTON—Flopping the putrescent animal carcass down in the Oval Office with an introduction of “call him whatever you want, I don’t care,” President Donald Trump announced Monday that the first family had a new member, a dead dog reportedly adopted to soften his image before election day. “I saw this on the side of the road and I told the Secret Service, ‘Stop the motorcade, that’s it, that’s a brilliant idea, it’s gonna be perfect,’” said Trump as he grabbed an ear to lift up the limp, withered remains of the golden retriever, allowing the media to capture a few images of the deceased canine before its ear tore away, its body fell at his feet, and its head rolled down a limestone walkway in a puddle of blood and brain matter. “That’s good, lie down. And stay down, okay? They say if you want a friend in Washington, get one of these—of course, I have friends already, so many friends, but here it is anyway. Here’s a dog. Everyone says this breed is very loyal, so we’ll see, we’ll see. Could become the best dog any president has ever had. I’m told it has a great pedigree, and I’m expecting great things.” At press time, Trump was seen kicking the dead dog’s head down the West Wing Colonnade after internal polling showed its approval rating was higher than his.
Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years #~# KANSAS CITY—Despite engaging frequently with the world through watching TV, browsing social media, and conversing with coworkers, local man Jonathan Huston has not heard or read a single true thing in the past six years, sources confirmed Monday. Those close to Huston indicated that in spite of—or, perhaps, because of—his near daily use of platforms such as Facebook and Twitter and calls to close family stretching back to 2014, the local electrician not only has heard tens of thousands of patently untrue statements, conspiracy theories, and outright lies about the state of his country, world, and, indeed, the very universe within which he resides, but actually frames his worldview explicitly around such complete fabrications. In fact, beyond absorbing a tidal wave of untruths spanning culture, politics, science, his social network, and dozens of other vital topics while reading message boards, watching YouTube videos, and speaking with friends over the past 72 months, Huston reportedly also parrots such falsehood back to the world both online and in person by repeating false assertions about the risk level posed by climate change, the president’s impending arrest, the quality of Taco Bell’s Quesarito, immigration rates, the beliefs of the average Republican voter,  the enjoyability of the film The Lazarus Effect, Brett Gardner’s rumored trade to the Mets, quotes misattributed to Lyndon B. Johnson, the beliefs of the average Democratic voter,  how effective trickle-down economics is in practice versus in theory, China’s role in causing the present coronavirus pandemic, who played bass guitar on Eric Clapton’s 1969 single “Cold Turkey,” how to best quiet a crying infant, Thomas Edison’s role in executing an elephant, the functional importance of the Department of the Interior, the physical properties of glass, France’s current president’s name, the possible starting lineup of the Kansas City Royals in the upcoming ’21 season, and an untold number of other statements with zero basis in reality. At press time, sources confirmed that Huston last encountered a factual piece of information in 2014 when a friend noted that Justin Timberlake’s 20/20 Experience was “pretty good.”
CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama #~# Hear why top health officials now believe most of the 200,000 fatalities in the U.S. can be attributed to violent underlying conditions brought on by our nation’s 44th president.
Ikea Introduces Buyback Program In 27 Countries #~# Swedish retailer Ikea has announced a new buyback program where customers can receive store credit for their used furniture in an effort to fight overconsumption, though Ikea stores in the United States will not be participating. What do you think?
Federal Authorities Investigating Second Jetpack Sighting Over Los Angeles #~# For the second time in six weeks, commercial airline pilots have reported seeing a person in a jetpack flying near Los Angeles International Airport at altitudes reaching 6,000 feet, prompting investigations by both the FBI and the Federal Aviation Administration. What do you think?
The Case For And Against Confirming Amy Coney Barrett #~# Amy Coney Barrett, President Trump’s nominee for the Supreme Court seat vacated by the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, has driven controversy in Washington over both her beliefs and the legitimacy of her appointment. The Onion presents the case for and against confirming Barrett for the Supreme Court.
Study Finds Giving CBD To Pet Fails To Address Root Issue Of Letting Crazed Monster Live In Your Home #~# ATHENS, OH—Puncturing the image of CBD as something of a miracle cure for animal owners, researchers at Ohio University published a study Friday suggesting that giving cannabidiol to pets fails to address the root issue of letting a crazed monster live inside your home. “While our studies show that cats and dogs exhibit some calming reactions from ingesting the cannabis derivative, we have no evidence that it has any bearing on the underlying cause of allowing a psychotic fanged beast to rampage through your place of residence,” said lead researcher Heidi Barba, noting that clinical trials suggested only a slight difference between the cannabinoid and a placebo at mitigating the effects of residing with an unpredictable, depraved hellion. “Despite its prevalence in recent months, CBD has a similar rate of efficacy to home remedies such as massage or music therapy at reversing millions of years of evolution that led to a savage creature fundamentally at odds with domestic existence.” Barba added that her team’s research indicated that the best treatment for pets’ behavioral issues remained having owners completely shun society and going off to live in a remote cave. 
Man Has Come Too Far To Turn Back For Grocery Basket #~# FALCON, CO—Rueing his earlier hubris but knowing that the only course he had left was to press forward to the next aisle of the supermarket, local man Tim McClendon told reporters Friday that he had come too far to turn back for a grocery basket now. “I’ve reached the point of no return, so I must press onward, my arms overladen with butter and yams,” said McClendon, adding that he recognized the futility of even trying to retrace the steps through the pasta and bread aisles all the way back to the produce section where the baskets were. “This is my fate. I am destined to wander the frozen food aisle trying to balance two cans of diced tomatoes and bunch of bananas on a six-pack of seltzer in one hand, to dangle a three-pound sack of potatoes from a single pinky finger going numb, to curse myself after realizing I have no idea how I’ll ever carry these chicken breasts, the main thing I came here for. Why, oh why did I think I could forgo a basket when even an entire cart would not be unreasonable to carry all of the items I’m now doomed to balance precariously in nothing but my own two hands? How could I have fooled myself into thinking that I was only here for a few things, to ignore what I know about sizes and weight, to forget my own weakness for grabbing chips and then salsa despite knowing that I cannot carry them without risking catastrophe, to turn up my nose at this establishment’s humble offer of a basket? Yet I have come too far to ever turn back, and I must let the past remain in the past. Only fate will tell if this glass jar of expensive organic jam can remain lodged in the crook of my elbow for the rest of my journey.” At press time, McClendon was cursing himself for his lack of foresight after declining the checkout cashier’s offer of plastic bags to carry his items out of the store.
Scientists Warn Florida Will Be Under 6 Feet Of Snakes By 2021 #~# MIAMI—Urging drastic action to mitigate the effects of the imminent herpetological disaster, scientists at the University of Miami warned Friday that Florida could be completely submerged by snakes as early as 2021. “Our projections show that the Sunshine State will be beneath 70 to 80 inches of pythons and copperheads as early as this time next year,” said lead researcher Desmond Shankir, painting a dire picture of a near future in which all but the most elevated points in Florida would be subsumed by a writhing mass of hissing and slithering. “We’ve seen that serpent levels have continued to rise over the past decades, and when compounded with the health issues associated with venom and the sheer mass of shed skins, we could see millions of snake-related refugees flooding into Georgia and Alabama.” Shankir urged Americans to do their part to stem the tide by turning off their electronics to go kill a bunch of snakes. 
YouTuber’s Third Video An Announcement Regarding Changes To Channel Moving Forward #~# KINGSTON,  NY—Midway into the opening segment for his electronics review series,  YouTuber Mark_Circuits told viewers of his third video Friday that he  had an announcement regarding some changes to the channel moving  forward. “Hey guys, thanks for tuning in—before we get into things, I  wanted to tell you about some big plans on the horizon,” said the YouTuber to an estimated total of 47 viewers, stressing that despite  the significant amount of positive feedback he had gotten about his  nine-minute impressions on the Pixel Buds and Apple HomePod, he had also  heard the criticism “loud and clear” and would be tweaking his format  in response. “Obviously, I’m really grateful to those of you who have  been following us through the first three days and letting me know your  thoughts. So get ready for a pretty serious shake-up when I come back  next week, and make sure to like and subscribe to find out more.” At  press time, 90% of the show’s audience had abandoned it immediately  after watching the announcement.
Man Cannot For The Life Of Him Understand Why Wife Enjoys TV Show Marketed Toward Married 30-50-Year-Old Women #~# TAOS, NM—Admitting that he “didn’t get the hype” over the serialized drama, local man Connor Sharp revealed Friday that he could not for the life of him understand why his wife, Lauren, enjoys a television show marketed toward married women between the ages of 30 and 50. “What does she see in this obnoxious group of women in her age range?” said Sharp, who shook his head while watching his wife’s experiences artfully depicted on screen. “I just don’t get it—how can she watch this drivel specifically formulated to make a woman of her age feel calm and shut her brain off for once? I’ve tried showing her an actual drama about difficult men arguing with each other, but she didn’t like it. This show doesn’t even have a real plot, and the two-dimensional characters are just like her and her friends.” At press time, Sharp had finally regained control of the television to watch a cartoon marketed toward 5- to 10-year-olds. 
Nation’s Independent Bookstore Owners Announce They Don’t Have It In Stock But Would Be Happy To Order It In For You #~# SAN FRANCISCO—After  frowning at a screen for a full five minutes, the nation’s independent bookstore owners announced at a press conference Friday they unfortunately did not have that specific title in stock but would be more than happy to order it for you. “I’m afraid that one isn’t on our shelves right now; however, it is in print and, according to the information I have here, usually ships from the publisher within two to three weeks,” said 49-year-old James Lasalle, who, in unison with his 2,500 fellow operators of independent bookstores across the United States, reportedly muttered to himself for quite some time before looking up to explain that it was important for him to check on the computer in case the volume you asked about had simply been reshelved incorrectly by a careless browser. “If you want to give me your full name, address, phone number, email, and payment information, I can get started on your request and make sure it goes out with the batch of orders we’re placing next Wednesday. In the meantime, maybe I could interest you in the new Jodi Picoult? There’s a stack on the table right behind you.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation’s customers had placed the order with their independent bookstore and, just a few hours later, had grown impatient, broken down, and purchased a copy from an online retailer with next-day shipping. 
L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus #~# L’Oréal’s new FaceSmash collection guarantees not to blotch or smear even after you’ve been pancaked by a 20-ton bus hauling ass down the highway. But is it too good to be true?
Dunkin’ Releases Ghost Pepper Donut For Halloween #~# Coffee and donut chain Dunkin’ has unveiled a spicy strawberry, cayenne, and ghost pepper donut for Halloween that will be sold through December. What do you think?
Atlanta Braves Manager Reminds Team October Is Where Other Teams’ Legacies Are Made #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Urging his team not to grow complacent after jumping out to a 2-1 lead in the National League Championship Series, Atlanta Braves manager Brian Snitker reminded his team Thursday that October is where other teams’ legacies are made. “This isn’t July, guys—this is the time when the Atlanta Braves rise to the occasion, blow a series lead, and become a footnote in someone else’s story,” said Snitker, exhorting the team to remember the names of so many legendary teams and players that beat the Braves in October. “The temperature’s dropped and the ball games really count for most other franchises. October is when the Yankees, the Cardinals, and the Dodgers show people who they really are. Legends are born right now, and you guys are gonna be standing off to the side watching it happen.” At press time, Snitker signaled out Freddie Freeman as a player who could use this playoff run to bolster his begrudging, half-hearted Hall Of Fame case. 
Study Finds 87% Of Chinese Takeout Eaten By Team Of Prosecutors Embroiled In Late-Night Investigation #~# NEW YORK—Shedding light on the consumption habits of attorneys, a study released Thursday by Columbia University found that 87% of Chinese takeout was eaten by teams of prosecutors embroiled in late-night investigations. “Our findings indicated that of all the cheap cartons of lo mein, fried rice, and General Tso’s chicken consumed annually, almost nine in 10 are eaten by lawyers awake in the wee hours of the morning trying to find hard evidence to convict a perp,” said head researcher Amanda Leamon, explaining that 30% of the wontons ordered for delivery were suddenly dropped back into their container after a  prosecutor with a loosened tie and rolled-up sleeves realized they’ve just made a huge break in the case. “Across the board, our data revealed that the chopsticks provided in the to-go bags were almost universally used to jab the air as the lawyers commented on how they needed to follow the money after hitting a roadblock. These servings of kung pao chicken and egg rolls seemed to be eaten primarily as fuel for teams of high-powered attorneys running on only four hours of sleep as they became deeply invested in the case, often before gasping when a pile of papers fell off the table to reveal the evidence that they had been searching for all along.” The study also found that the other 13% of Chinese takeout was eaten by the overweight child molesters the prosecutors were investigating.
WWII Bomb Explodes During Disposal Operation #~# Polish authorities say a recently discovered 12,000-pound “earthquake” bomb dropped during World War II was accidentally detonated during an attempt to diffuse it on Wednesday, sending up a large plume of water but otherwise causing no injuries or damage. What do you think?
Bill Belichick Locks Covid-Exposed Players In Room With Broken Glass Bottle, Single Dose Of Antibody Cocktail #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Stressing that the Patriots are always a meritocracy, New England coach Bill Belichick locked his players who had been exposed to Covid-19 in an empty room Thursday after tossing down a broken glass bottle and single dose of antibodies at their feet. “Now I know you all want to remain on the team, so I guess we just need to find out who has the drive and desire to be a Patriot,” said Belichick, who placed the shattered glass on the ground in front of the naked, shivering players who had been locked in the Gillette Stadium storage room all night. “This is a completely open competition. I don’t care if you are a rookie or a ten-time Pro Bowler, if you want a Covid treatment on my team you have to earn it. I’ll be back in an hour to see who my new starter is.” At press time, Belichick had placed a hacksaw next to Cam Newton after chaining him to a radiator across the room from his medicine.
Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk #~# Hear why increased exposure to highfalutin books in fancy-type settings could cause you to get a little too big for your own britches.
Stranded Tourist Given Special Permission To Visit Closed Machu Picchu #~# Peru’s Ministry of Culture granted Jesse Katayama, a tourist from Japan who has been stranded in the country since March, special permission to visit Machu Picchu this weekend before he returns home, making him the only visitor to the World Heritage site in seven months. What do you think?
U.S. Joins 7 Other Countries In Signing Artemis Accord For Moon Exploration #~# NASA announced that the United States along with seven other nations have signed the Artemis Accords, an international agreement to standardize lunar exploration and promote scientific cooperation, though China and Russia are not involved. What do you think?
Liberal Man Worried Biden Victory Would Immediately Reignite Discussions About Having Kids #~# RIDGEWOOD, NJ—Speculating on the implications of President Donald Trump leaving the White House in January, local liberal Corey Johnston, 34, told reporters Wednesday he was worried a Joe Biden victory would immediately reignite discussions with his spouse about having kids. “Of course I want Biden to win—I’m just concerned that once it isn’t totally unconscionable to bring children into this world, Jen will want to talk again about starting a family,” said Johnston, explaining that as soon as the nation was no longer subject to the whims of an openly authoritarian bigot who was indifferent to human life, the option to conceive a new life might be brought up frequently by his partner. “Man, the conversation was really put to bed four years ago, but lately I’ve been looking at the polls and getting nervous. If Biden is elected, then avoiding eye contact and saying ‘Yeah, I just feel like it doesn’t make sense with the way things are right now’ isn’t going to cut it anymore. It’s terrifying.” Johnston added that he might have no choice but to bring up Biden’s lackluster climate plan and how any child born this century would endure a series of devastating catastrophes unlike anything previously experienced in human history.
‘Thank God I Voted Absentee In Whatever Dumb Ohio Town I’m From,’ Say Brooklyn Residents #~# BROOKLYN—Stressing how happy they were to make a difference back home in Sparta or wherever, Brooklyn residents told reporters Wednesday that they genuinely felt great about voting absentee in “whatever dumb Ohio town” they hailed from. “Yeah, I’m really glad I sent in my ballot to whichever Podunk Rust-Belt town I grew up in before I moved here for that publishing job,” said 27-year-old Brandon Hill, echoing the sentiment of thousands of fellow Brooklynites who were either from Grafton or Granville or maybe Gallipolis in noting their vote would matter so much more when it was counted alongside the hayseeds and townies they grew up with. “There were definitely lots of corn fields or potatoes where I grew up....or maybe soybeans? Honestly, who the hell knows? There were definitely some fields. Either way, it’s great to feel like I can make my voice heard somewhere between Appalachia and the Rocky Mountains. Really great.” At press time, Brooklyn residents went on to emphasize that they had “no clue” on who to vote for as county creek examiner or whatever-the-fuck and just winged it.
Report: Majority Of Astronauts Feel Deep Sense Of Hatred, Disgust Towards Humanity Upon Viewing Earth From Orbit #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—A report released Wednesday by the University of New Mexico’s psychology department revealed that the majority of astronauts feel a deep sense of hatred and disgust towards humanity upon viewing Earth from orbit. “Our findings indicated that when looking down at Earth, nine in 10 astronauts reported experiencing an all-consuming revulsion towards their entire species,” read the report in part, adding that nearly all the astronauts surveyed for the study confirmed they were awestruck by how horrifying and vile mankind was as they gazed down at their home planet during space flight. “Regardless of their nationality or religious beliefs, the lion’s share of astronauts disclosed to researchers that observing Earth from their ships led them to conclude that we are all fundamentally similar rotten pieces of shit who inhabit the same pathetic pale blue dot. We found it notable that almost immediately upon exiting the atmosphere, astronauts  experienced an acute awareness that humankind is a writhing mass of maggots, meaningless and purposeless in the ocean of nothingness that is the universe.” The report also found that the feelings of repugnance were so powerful that many of these astronauts began to wish they could remain in orbit and never return home.
2020 Election: Key House Races To Watch #~# All 435 House of Representative seats are up in the 2020 election, as the Democrats try to retain the majority over the Republicans they won in the 2018 midterms. The Onion takes a look at the key 2020 House races to watch. If the representatives of the nation’s landed gentry are more your speed, check out the 2020 Senate races to watch here.
Gamers, We Need To Come Clean: ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Just A Lie We Made Up To Make You Like Us That Got Way Out Of Hand #~# Hey, gamers! We know there’s one game left in this generation that’s been getting you more pumped than anything else. In fact, this open-world RPG from CD Projekt Red is probably one of the things that has kept you going through this tough year. But we need to just come clean and get this off our backs: Cyberpunk 2077 is not a real game. It was just something we made up to sound cool and interesting in front of you so you would like us and now that lie is spinning completely out of control.
Mom’s Latest Halloween Decoration Just Rustic Wooden Sign That Says ‘Bones’ #~# SUDSBURY, MA—Stressing the festive item lacked any discernible frightening imagery or spooky embellishment, family sources confirmed Wednesday that 52-year-old mom Diane Mathieu’s latest Halloween decoration was just a rustic wooden sign that says “bones.” “Yeah, I was expecting maybe a scary font or some cobwebs or skeletons in the  corner, but just ‘bones,’ huh? Alright,” said 17-year-old son Peter Mathieu, who noted that in a previous year the family had purchased a color-changing light-up skull before admitting that the unembellished sign participated in a tradition that included a hand-stitched pillow solely featuring the word “spooky.” “Look, I’m not trying to get too down on Mom. She has a corn stalk bundle on the front porch, so I guess that’s at least fall themed, but not exactly spine-tingling.” At press time, family members were relieved after discovering dozens of festering corpses left by their mother in the basement.
Finland Ended Homelessness: Why Trying To Show Us Up Like That Comes Off As Insecure #~# Because, like, we could totally end it tomorrow if we also wanted to be a bunch of tryhard suck-ups like Finland.
Covid-19 Fears Causing Americans To Stockpile Again #~# A recent poll finds that roughly half of Americans are preparing to stockpile groceries and other essentials like toilet paper this fall due to fears that cold weather will bring a new surge of coronavirus cases. What do you think?
Media Pledges Not To Prematurely Declare Election Winner Unless Viewers Start Losing Interest #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to safeguard the democratic process during a year in which a record number of ballots will be counted after election day, top TV news outlets including CNN, MSNBC, and Fox vowed Tuesday they would not prematurely declare a winner in the presidential contest unless their ratings began to drop. “With so much uncertainty surrounding the race this time around, we simply cannot risk announcing the outcome until a candidate has decisively won the Electoral College or our viewers are growing bored enough to change the channel,” said CNN anchor Jake Tapper, who added that the election was far too important for the media to sow confusion about who had been victorious, except in a circumstance in which a network was failing to deliver the kinds of numbers its advertisers expected. “It’s our duty as members of the free press to keep our reporting as accurate as possible, and up to the moment one of our competitors draws a better audience with a too-hasty verdict on the results, that’s exactly what we’ll do. You can trust that as long as you and millions of others stay tuned in, we won’t resort to calling Florida with only 30% of precincts reporting.” At press time, members of the media clarified that they still reserved the right to gin up ratings by declaring Trump the winner and then backtracking to call it for Biden, then Trump, and then Biden again.
Historic Number Of LGBTQ Candidates To Appear On November Ballots #~# The LGBTQ Victory Fund reports that more lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer candidates ran for public office this year than ever before, with 576 candidates up for election this November, a 33% increase from 2018. What do you think?
How Trump Can Beat Biden #~# With the election around the corner, the Republican Party campaign of President Donald Trump is looking for ways to win reelection over his Democratic Party challenger, Joe Biden. The Onion looks at key factors that could help Trump defeat Biden and retain the presidency. If Trump winning isn’t your preferred outcome, or you are a Biden staffer turning to The Onion for strategy advice, you can find out how Biden can beat Trump here.
‘Well, They’re Harmless And They Help With Pests,’ Says Man Deciding Against Squashing Cat #~# MILWAUKEE—Talking himself out of immediately killing the creature as it crawled from underneath his bed, local man Tim Wolinski was overheard Tuesday saying, “Well, they’re harmless and they help with pests,” as he decided against squashing a cat found inside his home. “Ugh, those things are so creepy, but technically they’re pretty good at catching critters so I guess I’ll let it be,” said a visibly shaken Wolinski, who set down the shoe he’d raised over his head to smash the organism after catching sight of its hairy, spastic legs in his periphery, hoping instead it would help reduce the population of smaller pests around the apartment. “The way they dart around just makes my skin crawl. Plus, the large glassy eyes and huge nasty fangs really freak me out. My impulse is to immediately smash it, but I guess it’s not really bothering anyone over there and I hate the sound they make when you squish them—you can really hear the crunch. As long as it stays in the corner where I can keep an eye on it, it should be fine, but if it jumps on me that’s a different story. How the hell do they keep getting in here?” At press time, Wolinski had reportedly managed to encourage the intruder to climb onto a piece of cardboard, which he then shook out the window of his third-floor apartment.
Amazon Offers New Blank Box Upcharge For Progressive Members To Discreetly Receive Prime Orders #~# SEATTLE—In an effort to help socially conscious subscribers avoid the judgment of their peers, Amazon reportedly began offering a new blank box upcharge Tuesday for progressive members to discreetly receive their Prime orders. “For just $3 per shipment, Amazon users who are outwardly critical of our company can have their packages delivered in a blank cardboard box without any logos or branding so they’ll never get called out for being hypocritical,” read the company’s press release, which explained how the packages would be delivered by a plainclothes employee in a nondescript white van so as to avoid drawing any suspicion. “Our new concealment services are perfect for any activist type who publicly condemns our unethical business practices yet sometimes needs to order some disposable razors on a two-day turnaround. We have already begun rolling out the service in liberal hubs such as Portland, Berkeley, and New York, and will be expanding to other cities in the coming months.” The press release also explained that for an extra $2, each package could be branded with the logo of a struggling, non-profit bookstore that helps disenfranchised communities or a local farming co-op.
Old Man Remembers When Things Cost Roughly The Same As Now After Adjusting For Inflation #~# GREENBELT, MD—Comparing the prices of common household goods to what they were back in his younger days, local old man George Swander reportedly remembered Tuesday when things cost roughly the same as now after adjusting for inflation. “Back in my day, you see, you could get a hamburger for just 15 cents, which, when taking into account steady economic growth and the increase in federal monetary creation over time, is about the same as it is now,” said Swander, recalling that he used to be able to get by on just a few bucks a week that, in relative terms, equaled roughly the same amount that his expenses came out to today. “When I see how much even basic stuff like food and household items cost nowadays, I’m always shocked until I factor inflation into it, and then it’s just like I was back in 1954. Your dollar used to go about the same distance once you take overall adjusted economic growth into account, believe me.” The old man added that he even remembered when minimum-wage jobs paid roughly the same amount as they do now after seeing the hourly rate was exactly the same.
Report: Amtrak Loses $100 Million Annually To Route Interruptions Caused By Mustachioed Villains Tying Kidnapped Damsels To Railroad Tracks #~# Find out how often your local route is disrupted by train conductors unwittingly barreling over screaming lassies as they wave their dainty handkerchiefs in the air for help.
Paris Hilton Leads Protest To Shut Down Utah Boarding School #~# Reality star Paris Hilton is calling for the closure of Provo Canyon School, a reformatory boarding school in Utah where she and hundreds of other former students including tattoo artist Kat Von D and Michael Jackson’s daughter, Paris, say they were physically, mentally, and emotionally abused. What do you think?
Jaime Harrison Sets $57 Million Senate Fundraising Record #~# Democrat Jaime Harrison has set a new senate campaign fundraising record, bringing in $57 million in donations this quarter in the race against South Carolina senator Lindsey Graham and beating the previous $38 million record held by Beto O’Rourke. What do you think?
‘Poll Watching Is Not Voter Intimidation,’ Trump Supporter Whispers Into Ear Of Man Filling Out Ballot In Voting Booth #~# ERIE, PA—Pushing back against what he viewed as an overly hysterical media narrative, Trump supporter Tom Nagle whispered his assertion Monday that poll watching is not intimidation into the ear of a man filling out a ballot. “Keeping an eye on what’s going on at the polls is simply a way to ensure that the election is conducted fairly,” said an armed Nagle, his hot breath reportedly palpable on the prospective voter’s neck as he continually issued assurances that he was merely there to safeguard democracy. “There’s nothing untoward or illegal about this—me and my fellow poll watchers here are simply making sure that there’s not any funny business and nobody’s tampering with the electoral process. Now you just sit there and think long and hard about whether that’s really the best candidate for our country.” At press time, Nagle had beaten the man unconscious after he was unable to immediately produce a voter ID.
Detective Still Haunted By Cold Case He Was Never Able To Pin On Minority #~# LOS ANGELES—Still unable to let the long-dormant investigation go, LAPD detective Nick Grady remains haunted years later by a cold case he has never been able to pin on a minority, sources confirmed Monday. “Come on, come on, I must have missed some Black or Hispanic teenager who happened to be walking around near the scene of the crime,” said Grady, spending late hours at the precinct poring over old case files in a desperate attempt to find someone in the vicinity at the time that he could claim was part of a gang and throw in prison. “Wait a minute—my God, how did I miss this? A witness says she saw a young man in a hoodie parked in a nearby car. Damn it, if only I’d put this together all those years ago, then I could have found a dark-skinned kid and gotten him locked up, but instead I let him slip right through my fingers. What a fool I’ve been!” At press time, a disillusioned Grady had vowed that he would see justice served by gunning down some random minorities himself. 
NASA’s Hubble Telescope Captures Rare Sight Of 2 Galaxies Mating #~# BALTIMORE—Calling the images “a stunning glimpse into how the vast star systems of the universe procreate,” NASA officials announced Tuesday that the Hubble Space Telescope had recently given scientists the rare opportunity to observe a pair of galaxies mating. “We almost never get to study the courtship ritual up close like this, but here you can clearly see one galaxy firmly grasping another and pulling it in close with its spiral arms,” said astronomer Grace Yoder, who gave a presentation at the Space Telescope Science Institute in which she displayed high-resolution images of two galaxies grinding their globular clusters hard against each other. “Note the growing size of the first partner’s galactic bulge as it begins to approach the second partner’s supermassive black hole. Their subsequent collision results from what may be the most powerful magnetic force in the universe, and it won’t let up until both galaxies have experienced complete gravitational collapse. Sadly, the Hubble is not equipment with the instruments required to measure just how hot it gets when this happens.” At press time, reports confirmed NASA scientists were horrified upon realizing the act of mating ended with one galaxy completely devouring the other.
Total Collapse Of Democracy So Horrifying America Decides It Hasn’t Happened Yet #~# WASHINGTON—As citizens across the nation sought to insulate themselves from mounting evidence to the contrary, several reports indicated Monday that the idea of the total collapse of democracy was so horrifying that America decided it hadn’t happened yet. “We can’t let them take away our democracy,” said Prescott, AZ insurance agent Daniel Cross, echoing the concerns of a terrified American populace that imagined a future in which the nation’s democratic ideals were hopelessly compromised, and determined that in the meantime, the Electoral College, U.S. Senate, unelected Supreme Court, increased power concentrated in the presidency, lack of universal suffrage, frequent executive overrides of decisions that had majority support of the American populace, the manipulation of voting boundaries on the federal, state, and local levels, a strict two-party system that used legislative means to effectively prevent additional parties from gaining traction, widespread voter suppression, corporate control of the media, massive lobbying sector, outsourcing of public services to profit-driven private firms, concentration of power among a few wealthy individuals, complex legal labyrinths designed to prevent regular people from exercising their basic rights, deregulation that led to widespread health, environmental, and economic hardship, unfettered campaign donations, effective legal immunity on the basis of status, wealth, or membership in a state police force, legal and economic obstacles to free assembly and free speech, poor education in both critical thinking and democratic ideas, unelected local councils and boards with significant influence over the distribution of public resources without fair notice or inclusion of the general populace, and the repeated efforts by the United States to undermine democracy in foreign countries at the expense of undermining its own democratic processes at home didn’t currently exist. “This election is a make-or-break moment for our democracy. It’s the most important election of our lifetimes.” Additional reports suggested that the prospects of a badly compromised political system in the United States were so disturbing to contemplate that Americans decided that real democracy had at some point actually existed.
Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtrodden #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to assure critics during her Senate confirmation hearing for the Supreme Court, Judge Amy Coney Barrett promised Monday that her Catholic faith’s tenets of generosity and humanity would not interfere with her duty on the court to crush the nation’s poorest and most downtrodden citizens. “When you become a judge, you take an oath to not let the Christian values of helping the less fortunate affect your decisions,” said Barrett, noting that despite her savior Jesus Christ repeatedly lecturing His followers on the importance of catering to the most disadvantaged among them, she believed the country was founded on the separation of church and state for a reason. “Rest assured, the routine suppression of the meek and the hungry is central to our democracy, and I vow to decide all cases with that in mind—as is precedent. While I deeply believe in the Catholic virtue of mercy in my personal life, compassion has no place in my courtroom, and my long history as a federal judge demonstrates that. As soon as I put on my robes and step into my chambers, the Golden Rule all but ceases to exist.” Barrett added that her time as a clerk for Justice Scalia proved that she was capable of treating the poor as less than human beings in the eyes of the law.
Mom Won’t Stop Talking About How Doctor Praised Her Colonoscopy Preparation #~# ABITA SPRINGS, LA—Having carefully followed the recommended guidelines for clearing her bowels prior to the medical test, local mom Anne Kappas would not stop talking about how her doctor had praised the thoroughness of her preparation for a recent colonoscopy, sources confirmed Monday. “He told me I did everything correctly with the clear-liquid diet the day before, which I guess really helps clean all that stuff out of there,” Kappas wrote in one of 17 texts about the matter sent to family members, many of whom reportedly tried and failed to change the subject at several points during the exchange. “I was surprised when he said I was one of the best-prepped patients he’s ever had, but apparently some people he sees don’t even finish the full gallon of their laxative solution, if you can believe that! He also seemed really impressed that I didn’t have any polyps or lesions or anything, so it looks like my colon’s in pretty good shape.” At press time, reports indicated the family was relieved after their mother excitedly explained the doctor had told her she wouldn’t need another colonoscopy until 2030.
New Paternity Leave Policy Would Allow Fathers To Take Off Work If They Need To Appear On ‘Maury’ #~# The progressive new policy grants potential fathers eight days to fly out to a taping of the popular daytime talk show so they can determine if they are off the hook for the next 18 years or if their old side piece is trying to trap them out of revenge.
Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For Months #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—Expressing bewilderment at the complete lack of response by the media and authorities, members of a right-wing militia told reporters Monday they were wondering when someone would notice they’ve been holding Governor J.B. Pritzker hostage for the last few months. “We thought Illinois residents would be devastated once they discovered their governor had been kidnapped, shutting down the state, doing everything in their power to get him back, but no one’s even answered our ransom letter,” said Mark Johnson, member of the Constitutional Defenders militia group, adding that they had left several anonymous voicemails for  television stations and law enforcement and even dropped the amount of ransom by a few thousand dollars, but so far, everyone has continued to go about their daily business. “We sent several packages containing the governor’s severed fingers out to various family members, and even those were returned unopened. If no one responds to our livestream of Pritzker chained up in the basement, I just don’t know what we’re going to do, because right now we’re losing money having to feed him.” At press time, the Constitutional Defenders put it to a vote to cut their losses and dump Pritzker somewhere way out in Lake Michigan.
Undecided Voter Still Hasn’t Made Up Mind As To Who Won NBA Finals #~# BOCA RATON, FL—Thinking that he might not be able to come to a final verdict until November, undecided voter Sydney Haselwood told reporters Friday that he still hasn’t made up his mind as to who won the 2020 NBA Finals. “Both teams made some good points, so I’ll need more time to make my assessment,” said Haselwood, 51, clarifying that he didn’t trust NBA media to put aside its coastal bias and accurately report who won. “The Lakers had the lead at the final buzzer, but I’m still not convinced that qualifies as a victory. I actually think it’s a bit unfair that our country only has two teams competing for championships, when a third-party might inject some life into the system. But I have some friends who support the Heat, so maybe I’ll go with them. Personally, I was leaning a little more towards Indiana, and I still might write them in as champions.” At press time, Haselwood announced plans to listen to whoever Joe Rogan said was the winner.
JPMorgan Chase Pledges $30 Billion To Address Racial Wealth Inequality #~# JPMorgan Chase has pledged to spend $30 billion over the next five years to help close the racial wealth gap through home loans, affordable housing units, and business loans for Black and Latinx clients, though the company has for years faced allegations of discrimination by both employees and customers. What do you think?
Fourth Championship Win Definitively Proves LeBron James Is An Active NBA Player #~# KISSIMMEE, FL—Cementing his place as being part of the annals of basketball history, league sources confirmed Friday that LeBron James capturing his fourth championship definitively proved that he is an active NBA player. “I don’t know how you look at LeBron’s body of work and deny that he’s in the elite club of people who have played basketball professionally,” said Washington Post NBA writer Ben Golliver, who compared James to the likes of Tim Duncan, Sidney Moncrief, and Greg Ostertag as men who have logged minutes for NBA teams. “He was already an active player before the title, but it’s clear now that he ranks right up there with Jordan alphabetically. We’re talking about a cherished member of the NBA Players Association. By the time he retires, there’ll be no doubt that LeBron was the G.O.A.T—a guy on a team.” At press time, Golliver credited James as top-three on the list of games played by an active player. 
FBI Charges 6 In Violent Plot To Kidnap Michigan Governor #~# The FBI has charged 6 men for plotting to kidnap Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer and overthrow the state government, while state authorities say they have charged 7 other men in connection to the case who sought to ignite a civil war. What do you think?
Hundreds Of Cane-Wielding Demonstrators Pull Governor Into Kickline To Protest Broadway Shutdown #~# ALBANY, NY—Expressing outrage that the theater district would remain closed at least through next May, cane-wielding, top-hatted demonstrators pulled New York governor Andrew Cuomo into a kickline Friday to protest the Broadway shutdown. “Step-ball-change, step-ball-change,” chanted the scores of protestors dressed in sequined tuxedos and tails, beginning in a stage whisper before growing louder and louder as they jazz squared around the governor and pulled him into a full-on dance number. “What do we want? Broadway open! When do we want it? In a-one-and-a-two-and-a-three!” At press time, Cuomo had briefly escaped the crowd before protestors lifted him above their heads and spun him in the air for the grand finale. 
Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants #~# WAUSAU, WI—Complaining that it was unrealistic to expect their small, grassroots terror organization to foment civil war on so many fronts at once, overwhelmed members of a local white nationalist militia stated Friday they were stretched to the limit trying to attack everyone the president wants them to. “So, just looking at what President Trump would like from us right now, we’re supposed to kidnap several congresswomen in Washington, run over some protestors in Louisville, and blow up a mosque in Minneapolis—how is it possible for a handful of guys to do all that?” said Dennis Blanchard, commander of the Badger State Brigade, who stressed that his five-member pro-Trump vigilante group was still very committed to the ideal of a white ethnostate, but had really overextended itself by trying to oust 10 state governments at the same time. “Look, I’m a motivated guy, but if I’m locked and loaded and en-route to CNN headquarters in New York, don’t tweet about something that’s going on in California, because I just can’t be there. We’re exhausted enough as it is. We’ve already got training camps to run, weapons to stockpile, polls to watch, online recruits to groom. It would really help us out a lot if the president could stay focused.” At press time, the domestic terrorists had reportedly decided to just drive down to Kenosha, plant a half dozen incendiary devices in urban neighborhoods, and call it a day.
Braves Manager Reminds Acuña That Being Hit By A Pitch Just How Pitchers Show They Like-Like You #~# ATLANTA—Promising that the Miami Marlins did not hate him and that he had done nothing wrong, Atlanta Braves manager Brian Snitker reminded outfielder Ronald Acuña Friday that being hit by a pitch is just how pitchers show they like-like you. “Pitchers are just like that, they’re shy and don’t always say things out loud, but that just means they secretly like you,” said Snitker, who told Acuña that the other Braves players would probably make fun of the pitchers if they admitted they liked him out loud. “They just throw it at your chin because pitchers are immature at this age. They are just scared to admit they like you so they lash out by throwing 100-mile-per-hour fastballs at your head. If they didn’t like you, they would just ignore you and walk you.” At press time, Acuña was recording a TikTok video saying he would never like a “skinny bitch” like Sandy Alcántara and anyone who said so is a liar.
Wisconsin Reports Zero Evidence Of Voter Fraud In Ballots They’ve Thrown Out So Far #~# MADISON, WI—Assuaging concerns that the 2020 election could be swayed by widespread misconduct, Wisconsin officials  reported Friday zero evidence of voter fraud in ballots they’ve thrown out so far. “We’ve looked at and discarded thousands of ballots over the past week, and in no instances have we found any attempt on the part of voters to submit fraudulent ballots,” said Wisconsin State Assembly Speaker Robin Vos, adding that every single ballot the election commission put in large boxes and drove to a warehouse where they will sit uncounted through the election appeared to be legitimate. “Every one of the ballots we’ve eliminated had no signs of tampering and were filled out properly. There aren’t any efforts of submitting the ballots of deceased Wisconsin residents or by people trying to vote multiple times that we could see before we tossed them in the trash. This just goes to show that concerns about voter fraud have been way overblown. It’s very encouraging.” Wisconsin officials added that their examination of votes did find a negligible 0.05% of ballots that they were going to count. 
Key Swing States In The 2020 Election #~# As in years past, the 2020 election could come down to the nation’s  undemocratic voting system, which gives a few competitive swing states the power to choose the next president. The Onion looks at the issues, demographics, and political influences that will shape how key 2020 swing states will vote.
Hackers Obtain Data Of 45 Million Target Customers Revealing What They’ve Done In Store Bathrooms #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Apologizing for their lack of vigilance concerning their users’ private information, Target announced Friday that hackers had been able to obtain the data of 45 million customers that revealed what they’ve been doing in the stores’ bathrooms. “We are sincerely sorry that our security system was compromised and allowed thieves to gain access to all the filthy and depraved acts Target customers have been committing in our restrooms,” said CEO Brian Cornell, issuing assurances that the retail chain would immediately put new safeguards in place to ensure that the comprehensive data profile and hours of footage they have on every customer who’s entered their bathrooms could not be accessed by anyone outside the company. “Your trust is crucial to us, which is why we always want to make sure you can rest easy knowing that everything you’ve done in our restrooms—whether it’s stepping in to do a bump of coke, engaging in anonymous sex in one of the stalls, or simply having a horrifying bowel movement—remains between you and Target. We have failed to honor that trust, and we promise to do whatever it takes to make it up to you disgusting animals.” Cornell added that fortunately the hackers had been unable to obtain the massive trove of consumer data that every product purchased from Target is constantly beaming to the company. 
South Carolina Protecting Voters From Covid-19 By Erecting Plexiglass Barrier Around Entire Urban Polling Place #~# CHARLESTON—In a move designed to protect voters from spreading the novel coronavirus, the South Carolina Election Commission  announced Friday that urban polling places would feature large plexiglass barriers around the entire building. “With election day fast approaching, voters should feel safe knowing that each polling location will be surrounded by a hermetically sealed, clear plastic cube that is totally impenetrable to anything, including Covid-19,” said SEC spokesperson Jen Gardena, adding that the ingenious design reduced virus transmission by almost 100%, because the thick plastic shields would feature no cracks, doors, or windows. “With millions of people looking to cast their vote in person, we believe it is our duty to ensure no South Carolina resident can enter these dangerous polling places, and thus transmit the virus. This November, we hope our turn out, and transmission, is at zero.” At press time, residents of South Carolina had reported seeing several plexiglass barriers surrounding both mailboxes and ballot drop boxes.
Frisky Housewife Lets Revealing Robe Slip After Opening Door To Amazon Delivery Drone #~# SEATTLE—Biting her lower lip while giving the hovering delivery aircraft a a sultry glance, frisky housewife Mia Jeffries reportedly let her revealing robe slip Friday after opening the door to her Amazon delivery drone. “Well, hello there big boy, I knew Amazon had a new fleet of prime drones, but I had no idea they’d have me hot and bothered in 30 minutes or less,” said Jeffries, who then leaned against the doorframe and took a deep sip of wine before asking the loud, buzzing drone if its vision sensors liked what they had scanned of her body so far. “Mmm, you must be so strong from lifting up all those big, heavy packages all day and flying them from house to house. Hey, why don’t you buzz on inside here and maybe I can plug you in for a quick recharge, if you know what I mean.” At press time, Jeffries screamed and tossed the drone out her bedroom window after her husband and three boys pulled into the driveway.
Hurry Up! The First 100 OGE Attendees To Stop By The Nintendo Booth Today Will Get A Free Sample Of What Pikmin Taste Like #~# With thousands flocking through the doors at the Zweibel Convention Center to attend our first-ever Onion Gamer Expo, some of the best swag is going and going fast. But we’re about to give you an inside scoop on one of the coolest offers of the whole conference: The first 100 OGE attendees to stop by the Nintendo Booth today will get a free sample of what Pikmin really taste like!
Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good #~# Oh yeah, that’s definitely not good. We have the latest on this marsupial that could only have been acquired through some particularly sketchy means.
Tasmanian Devils Reintroduced To Australian Mainland #~# Conservationists are reintroducing Tasmanian devils to the Australian mainland nearly 3,000 years after the carnivorous marsupials were essentially wiped out by dingoes, humans, and severe dry weather. What do you think?
Someone Needs To Explain: The Upcoming Games In The ‘Mario,’ ‘GTA,’ and ‘Metal Gear Solid’ Series Are All Called ‘The Sands Of Time’ #~# Okay gamers, here at OGN, we pride ourselves on providing the most comprehensive look at the much-anticipated video games. But now we have a piece of truly perplexing news that we’re going to need someone to sort out for us. Today, in separate press conferences, the biggest publishers in the world just revealed that the upcoming installments in the Super Mario, Grand Theft Auto, and Metal Gear Solid franchises are somehow all subtitled “The Sands of Time”?
Gronkowski Hits Electrotherapy Machine On Sidelines To Help Keep Brain Loose #~# CHICAGO—Strapping his head in after struggling with tightness and dissociation on the last drive, Tampa Bay Buccaneers tight end Rob Gronkowski hit the electrotherapy machine during Thursday night’s game to help keep his brain loose while he was on the sidelines. “It’s not too bad when I’m focused on the field, but the second I sit down, I can feel my temporal lobe knot up,” said Gronkowski, who noted that his tunneling vision cleared up as the 10-amp electrical current coursed through his cerebellum. “It can be tough on long drives because after five minutes I start to forget the entire playbook, so it’s good to get the neurons firing again. It doesn’t fix all the mood swings or anything, it just keeps me warm and remembering what city I’m in. But with all this talking and looking at things, I still know I’m gonna be laid up icing my brain for days.” At press time, a blocking Gronkowksi had leveled two defenders after mistaking them for a 10-foot demon and Patriots coach Bill Belichick.
Mike Pence, Kamala Harris Go Head To Head In Vice Presidential Debate #~# Mike Pence and Kamala Harris met last night in Utah for the vice presidential debate, which featured the candidates seated and separated by plexiglass barriers days after an outbreak of coronavirus at the White House. What do you think?
Nation’s Bashful Sources: ‘…’ #~# DYERSVILLE, IA—Avoiding direct eye contact and covering their faces in an attempt to alleviate social anxiety, bashful sources from across the nation told reporters “…” Thursday, before going on to add “…” and “…” when reached for additional comment. “…,” said the shy cohort of Americans, who blushed, shook their heads sheepishly, and quietly murmured to themselves in response to all follow-up questions, reportedly hoping that, if they remained silent long enough, everyone would just leave them alone. “…, …, …, …. …? ….” At press time, the timid sources were seen ducking into a store, where they were said to remain, even though they didn’t need to buy anything, until some time after reporters had left the area. 
Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 2 #~# Woof! And those are the final days in the bag for OGN’s first-ever gaming con. Are we the only ones who feel like that was too much mind-blowing gaming goodness to possibly cram into 48 hours? If so, here’s a recap to help remind you exactly what made part II of the conference so remarkable.
American Populace Worried They're Not Likable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President #~# WASHINGTON—Unable to remember a time when they last had a national leader who treated them well, the American populace reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that they weren’t likable enough to attract a good candidate for president. “We are constantly getting involved with these awful presidential candidates who we know are only going to hurt us. At some point we’ve got to start asking ourselves: Is it us?” said Chicago resident Natalie Freeman, echoing the sentiment of millions of Americans worried that they weren’t appealing enough to land any potential commander in chief who didn’t constantly lie, steal, and cheat on them by having secret relations with numerous other countries. “We see some of our allies finding great presidential candidates who do what’s best for them and always keep their promises, and I just think, ‘We want that,’ but no matter how hard we try, we always end up with total losers. Maybe we need to work on the deep-seated issues we still have from our founding fathers who informed our idea of relationships with heads of state in the first place.” At press time, the American populace realized they deserved better and should take a break from having a president for a while.
Travis Scott Pissed McDonald’s Never Sent Him Coupon Or Anything For Free Travis Scott Meal #~# LOS ANGELES—Expressing confusion as to why no one from the fast food chain ever reached out, rap artist Travis Scott was reportedly pissed Thursday that McDonald’s never sent him a coupon or anything for a free Travis Scott meal. “I worked for hours with McDonald’s  planning the rollout of this thing, so I figured they’d at least let me have some free fries,” said Scott, who scanned his contract for any mention of a discounted Quarter Pounder, as well as double-checked his email to make sure a message from executives hadn’t gotten lost in his spam. “Like, was I supposed to invoice them? I sent a direct message to their Twitter account asking if I could get a free small Sprite, but no one ever responded. If it’s ‘my’ meal, then why didn’t I ever get to try it? And now that it’s not on sale anymore, I’ll never get to. Damn. This is not lit.” At press time, Scott was even angrier after seeing a post from artist J Balvin on social media thanking McDonald’s for providing him with free J Balvin meals for a year.
Trump Prepares For Next Debate With Help Of Dexamethasone-Induced Hallucinations #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to be as rehearsed as possible for the rescheduled rematch against Joe Biden, President Donald Trump was reportedly hard at work preparing for his next debate Thursday with the help of a team of Dexamethasone-induced hallucinations. “Biden is definitely going to hammer you for being so big and strong and smart, so be prepared to seize the spotlight,” said the floating head of Herman Caine, joining a phantasmagorian Kermit The Frog, Richard Nixon, and dozens of other faces flashing through the president’s brain to urge Trump to get on the offensive as soon as the debate stage stopped spinning and materialized from the darkness. “Remember, the vice president is going to try and distract you by bursting open into a thousand bats or becoming a giant and swallowing you whole, so be sure to have a pithy response on how to keep our cities safe. And whatever you do, try not to let the flesh melt off your body until you’re only a skeleton like you did during the last practice session, as this could be looked upon as a sign of weakness.” At press time, the debate prep had been halted after Trump became furious over conflicting advice from a snake-covered George Washington and himself as a two-year-old.
Terrorist Group Benefactor Disappointed To Learn Most Of Donations Go To Covering Administrative Costs #~# RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Shaking his head while reviewing the organization’s annual budget, local terrorist group benefactor Ahmad al-Yasin was reportedly disappointed to learn Thursday that most of his donations go to covering administrative costs. “I understand there are overhead costs, but these funds should go toward suicide vests and stocking up on AK-47s, not frittered away on accountants, rent, and newspaper subscriptions,” said al-Yasin, who wondered how much of his money was really going toward the group’s purported mission statement of waging jihad. “I wouldn’t go as far as calling them scammers, but I definitely feel like I’m being ripped off. They’re having galas? They should be blowing up galas! I didn’t pump millions of dollars of my family’s oil money into this to be sent a free mug every year. I mean, come on, go kill some infidels!” At press time, an inspired al-Yasin had decided to take this all as a sign that he should go out and terrorize communities.
DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day #~# Hear how Democratic officials are looking to lure snuggled voters out of their beds and to the polls this fall.
Microsoft Has Revealed Master Chief’s Teeth And They Are Filthy #~# In a jaw-dropping reveal at the Onion Gamer’s Expo that’s almost 20 years in the making, Microsoft just teased Halo Infinite by giving gamers their first-ever glimpse of Master Chief’s teeth, and let’s just say that these things are absolutely filthy!
U.S. Border Patrol Agents Seize Over $1 Million Worth Of Counterfeit Viagra #~# U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials say agents in Chicago seized 15,000 counterfeit Viagra tablets valued at more than $1 million, which were en route from Istanbul to a residence in Michigan this past weekend. What do you think?
Donald Trump Reprimanded For Continually Interrupting Harris, Moderator During VP Debate #~# SALT LAKE CITY—After he issued a relentless stream of combative remarks that were criticized as unhelpful and distracting, President Donald Trump was reprimanded Wednesday night for continually interrupting Sen. Kamala Harris and moderator Susan Page during the vice presidential debate. “Excuse me, Mr. President, but please remember your campaign agreed to the format of this debate between Sen. Harris and Vice President Pence, and your repeated interruptions are a clear violation of those rules,” Page said to Trump, who accused the moderator of trying to silence him when she asked Harris about her position on Medicare for All, and then complained that the rules were only being enforced against him. “Sir—sir, in all fairness, you’ve been interrupting quite a bit more than anyone else on stage. In fact, you’ve had more time to speak than the two vice-presidential candidates combined. The country would be better served if you could just set down the microphone now.” At press time, Trump had turned his attention to ridiculing Mike Pence, whose performance he derided as low energy, weak, and “terrible television.”
Pence Instinctively Addresses Harris’ Husband In Audience During Debate Responses #~# SALT LAKE CITY—As he made direct eye contact with the man sitting in the audience nearly 30 feet away, Vice President Mike Pence appeared to  instinctively address his responses to Sen. Kamala Harris’ husband during Wednesday night’s vice-presidential debate. “Excuse me, sir, but I take objection to your wife’s characterization of this administration’s priorities,” Pence said as he turned away from his opponent and pointed a finger at her spouse, entertainment lawyer Doug Emhoff, claiming that the policies he allowed his wife to support would be disastrous for the country. “Could you please explain to her that my experience as chair of the president’s Coronavirus Task Force gives me a far greater grasp of healthcare issues? To be honest, I’m not sure why you are letting her talk to me like this, in such contrary tones. It might be easier if you could just address me directly.”  Pence later chastised Harris for interrupting her husband during his response.
Facebook Bans QAnon #~# Facebook announced it will ban groups, pages, and accounts associated with QAnon, a conspiracy theory the company says is responsible for coordinated disinformation campaigns and whose followers believe high-profile Democrats are members of a cabal of pedophiles that Donald Trump is secretly fighting. What do you think?
Trump Family To Halt Big Bath They All Take Together Every Night During President’s Quarantine #~# WASHINGTON—Citing an abundance of caution following President Donald Trump’s coronavirus diagnosis, the White House announced Wednesday that the Trump family would be discontinuing its practice of taking a big bath together every night until the president recovered. “We are exercising every precaution to stop the spread of Covid, so until his quarantine is over, the president and his family will halt their beloved tradition of all piling into a giant tub for a nighttime washing,” said White House chief of staff Mark Meadows, confirming that the Trumps would be unable to slosh around in the warm water and line up to get their backs scrubbed by a soapy loofah for at least the next 10 days. “We have implemented new safety procedures such as moving the basin to an open-air location on the front lawn and sterilizing all rubber duckies and toy submarines between baths in order to ensure family tub time can resume as soon as possible.” At press time, Don Jr. and Eric had reportedly taken advantage of the two weeks without a bath by getting absolutely filthy playing in the White House Rose Garden. 
Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1 #~# And that’s a wrap on opening three days for our first-ever gaming conventions! There were breathtaking announcements, thrilling celebrity appearances, and a whole lot of tantalizing hands-on demos. But a few moments really made this the start to what could be one of the most mind-melting, cool gaming conventions in recent memory. Read on to find out what they were.
2020 Election: Key Senate Races To Watch #~# There are 35 Senate seats up in the 2020 election, most of which are currently held by Republicans, with the Democrats hoping to flip enough seats to take control of the upper chamber of Congress. The Onion takes a look at the key 2020 Senate races to watch. If you’re more compelled by the contests in the lowly peasant chamber of Congress, check out House races to watch here.
White House Staff Heartbroken By Sight Of Weak Trump Struggling To Yell Racial Slurs At TV #~# WASHINGTON—Grimacing from the other side of the room as the wheezing president made his fifth attempt to form the word “filthy” during a story about Puerto Rican statehood, several White House staffers confirmed Wednesday that they were heartbroken by the sight of a frail, weakened Donald Trump struggling to yell racial slurs at his television. “There was a story about immigrants and the election, and yet it took him almost two minutes to start talking about how Mexicans are criminals,” said chief of staff Mark Meadows, who wiped tears from his eyes and claimed that the old Trump he knew could have rattled off a dozen slurs about Hispanics with no hesitation whatsoever, and might have even come up with a few new ones right on the spot. “You can see he’s shaking with rage, but his lips just couldn’t form what he really wanted to say about the Japanese, or Indians, or Greeks. The poor guy can’t even get the N-word out without having to get a breath of oxygen, even though he used to throw that around a hundred times a day.” At press time, the White House staff had created a signal system where Trump could point out the slur he wanted to use on a giant whiteboard.
Piece Of Shit From Nearby Town Marries Bitch From High School #~# Like, for real. We have the latest on how these two dumbasses reconnected, and you’re not going to believe it.
Appeals Court Opens Across The Street From Regular Court To Drum Up Business #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Hopeful the new location would soon help the number of cases skyrocket, judges from the U.S. Court of Appeals confirmed Thursday that they had opened an appellate court across the street from a regular U.S. District Court to drum up business. “It’s perfect—people will be coming out after their court date thinking ‘Huh, I should appeal,’ and wham—there we are,” said circuit judge Brenda Foley, who anticipated the court’s strategic location, along with a clerk standing outside in a Statue of Liberty costume twirling a corrugated plastic sign, would bring in hundreds of new defendants looking to appeal the verdict of their lost fraud, medical malpractice, or homicide trials. “The last thing people who were just in court want to do is go out of their way to a different court, but we’ll be right there. Don’t like the decision? Mosey across the street. That’s how you hook the suckers. It’s all about location, location, location. Business was slow for a bit, but it sure won’t be anymore.” At press time, Foley added the court would also offer check-cashing services.
Confused Army Corp Of Engineers Trying To Find Out What Big Blue Cable Connected To Country Does #~# MEDON, TN—Struggling to make heads or tails of the long, thick cord, a division of confused U.S. Army Corps of Engineers members were reportedly trying Wednesday to figure out what the big blue cable connected to the country does. “We tracked this huge blue cable from the Eastern Seaboard through the Appalachian Mountains and across the Ohio River, but we still have no clue what it’s supposed to be for,” said civil designer Christopher Maylor, scratching his head while adding that separate teams of engineers had responded to sightings of big blue cables near Montana’s Glacier National Park and running along the Texas–New Mexico border, and they were all wondering if it was the same cord. “It’s pretty thick and weatherproofed, so it must be really important. It’s at least 750 miles long, at least the part we’ve tracked so far, and it’s definitely plugged into the country somewhere, because when you try to pull it, it doesn’t give. Of course, we don’t want to pull on it too hard, in case we unplug it from wherever it’s plugged into. That could be really bad. We’re pretty sure we’ve ruled out it being an electrical grid thing, but our big worry is that it’s from one of those big New Deal projects that never got labeled but still connects to some key piece of infrastructure. I guess all we can do is keep looking.” At press time, the Army Corps of Engineers decided to unplug the cable and former President Jimmy Carter immediately died.
Thousands Of Minks Die Of Coronavirus On Utah Fur Farms #~# Roughly 8,000 minks have died of Covid-19 on Utah ranches since last week, likely after the animals caught the virus from workers, but the fur from the infected dead animals will still be processed for use in garments according to the mink farming group Fur Commission USA. What do you think?
Gamers, Are You Not Seeing All The Olives We Left Around The Expo Hall For You? Gotta Be Like 500 Dollars Worth Here, Be A Huge Waste If No One Eats Any #~# So far, so good at our first-ever gaming conference! We’ve witnessed some amazing panels, dream-come-true announcements, and a few moments that surprised even us. Still, there’s one small detail that’s been irking us. Gamers, are you not seeing all the olives we left around the expo hall for you? There are, like, $500 worth here, and it’d be a huge waste if no one scooped them up and tried a few.
Come On, Man: Representatives From CD Projekt Red Are Completely Hogging All The Controllers At The Booth Where You Can Try Out ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Even Though It’s Their Own Game #~# You know what, OGN readers? We’ve seen some pretty unprofessional behavior before in the gaming industry, but this really takes the cake. There is a whole line of playable demo stations for Cyberpunk 2077 at the Onion Gamer Expo right now, but the reps from CD Projekt Red have been hogging every single one of them this whole time even though it’s their own game.
Yikes: A Severely Overweight, Dead-Eyed Shigeru Miyamoto Showed Up To Our Gaming Festival 2 Days Late With His Eyebrows Shaved Off And Is Now Silently Wandering Around #~# Strap in, gamers, because this is a weird one. Two days after our staff expected him, a severely overweight, dead-eyed Shigeru Miyamoto just showed up to the Onion Gamer Expo with his eyebrows shaved off, and he is now silently wandering around the convention hall.
Nobel Prize Awarded To Scientists Who Discovered Hepatitis C Virus #~# Three scientists have been jointly awarded this year’s Nobel Prize in Medicine for their work on the hepatitis C virus, which has reduced transmission of the blood-based virus and paved the way for new treatments of a disease that kills 400,000 people every year. What do you think?
John Bolton Seething With Jealousy After Trump Gets To Become Living Biological Weapon #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration that the president was able to attain what he himself never had, former National Security Advisor John Bolton was reportedly seething with jealousy Tuesday that President Trump got to become a real-life living, breathing biological weapon. “If only I had stayed in the administration, I could’ve been the one to get infected with a deadly virus capable of defeating all of America’s enemies,” said Bolton, growing increasingly incensed  that the president had so easily stumbled into such an efficient method of viral warfare. “It’s particularly galling because Donald Trump is totally wasting this golden opportunity just hanging out in the White House when he could bring Iran to its knees with one indoor face-to-face with Rouhani. The president has a moral imperative to fight for American interests by coughing repeatedly in the face of Kim Jong-un or at the very least wandering through a crowded North Korean market to infect as many civilians as possible.” At press time, a desperate Bolton was reportedly rubbing used hospital scrubs against his face and inhaling deeply while booking a flight to Tehran.
‘But If He Has My Voice, Then Whose Voice Do I Have?’ Murmurs John Cena Examining Own Talking Action Figure #~# LAND O’ LAKES, FL—Repeatedly slamming the poseable character toy against his hand to elicit his very own catchphrases, wrestler-turned-actor John Cena examined his own talking action figure Tuesday and murmured, “But if he has my voice, then whose voice do I have?” “Wait, I say ‘The Champ is here,’ but then he also says ‘The Champ is here,’ does that make me an imposter?” asked the 18-time WWE champion, pondering whether his voice had crawled out of his body, or been captured by Mattel, or whether it was ever truly his to begin with. “When I speak, he says nothing. Does that mean we’re sharing the same voice? I assumed he was a copy of me, but perhaps I am a copy of him? There’s no way I can be two people at once—can I?” At press time, Cena had pinned the figure to try and regain the WWE title that the imposter figure claimed was his. 
Man Leaves Comments Section He’s Having Argument In To Quickly Skim Article For Supporting Facts #~# LUBBOCK, TX—In an effort to find evidence he lacked to validate his claim, local man Will Kunz left the comments section he was having an argument in Tuesday to quickly skim an article for supporting facts. “Oh my God, I can’t wait to teach this dipshit a thing or two about abortion rights in this country,” said Kunz, as he clicked out of Facebook to furiously scan the Wikipedia entry for Roe v. Wade and a Quora thread explaining the Ninth Amendment for evidence supporting his case, making sure to ignore any information that conflicted with his original position. “He’s going to feel so stupid when he finds out what [I just learned myself from a cursory Google search]. I mean, the facts [that I not only had never been aware of up until this moment but had never even considered] are indisputable.” At press time, Kunz decided to save some time by directly copying and pasting the text of the article into the comments field.
NASA Discovers Evidence That Life Could Exist Outside America #~# Could there be potential lifeforms lurking in the mysterious void that lies beyond the U.S.? We have the latest on this monumental discovery.
Insider Report Reveals Obama Tried Persuading Ginsburg To Die During His Presidency #~# WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the former president’s relationship with the Supreme Court justice, an insider report released Tuesday revealed that Barack Obama repeatedly tried persuading Ruth Bader Ginsburg to die during his presidency. “The former president was frank with Justice Ginsburg about the potential risks of her continuing to remain on the court, which is why he urged her to drop dead while he was still in office,” read the report in part, detailing Obama’s arguments that Ginsburg could ensure her legacy was maintained by gracefully getting sucked into a whirlpool or devoured by wolves early in his second term. “Obama wanted to make the transition as easy as possible for Ginsburg by suggesting a wide variety of options for how she might want to go out, such as the numerous poisons he had brought along to their meeting in addition to a loaded handgun and a length of rope.” The report concluded that Ginsburg ultimately demurred, opting to remain on the Supreme Court after tripping on Obama’s foot and surviving a fall down 30 flights of stairs. 
Horse-Drawn Carriages Return To Central Park Following Covid-19 Break #~# Carriage horses and their drivers went back to work this week shuttling tourists around Central Park after a six-month break due to the pandemic, though their return was met with both anti-animal cruelty protestors as well as carriage driver supporters. What do you think?
Talk Around The Con: The Most Insane Quotes We Heard Around OGE #~# Stepping into the buzz of gaming celebrities, iconic designers, and voice actors on the floor at our first-ever gaming convention was enough to transform even the most self-serious gamer into an honest-to-god fangirl or fanboy. Here, we’ve compressed the most insane tidbits, quotes, and keynote excerpts into one slideshow that proves that the Onion Gamer Expo has established its place as the greatest convention in gaming history.
Mother Fucker: Cliff Bleszinski Just Made Off From Our Conference With 10,000 Free EA Games Pens #~# Well, gamers, unfortunately it’s time for some pretty infuriating news. We were super excited when Gears Of War and Unreal creator Cliff Bleszinski decided to grace our Onion Gamer’s Expo with his presence, but then this son of a bitch just took off with 10,000 of our free EA Games pens!
Disney’s ‘Hocus Pocus’ Takes Second Place At Weekend Box Office 27 Years After Release #~# Nearly three decades after it was released, the Halloween cult classic Hocus Pocus starring Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Kathy Najimy earned $1.9 million in ticket sales this weekend, outperforming several new releases. What do you think?
Doctors Concerned President Administering Own Care After Noticing Trepanation Holes In Trump’s Skull #~# WASHINGTON—Medical experts expressed concern Monday that President Donald Trump was administering his own Covid-19 care after noticing trepanation holes in the commander in chief’s skull. “While I respect the entire team at Walter Reed, I feel they have lost control of their patient by allowing President Trump to drill holes in his cranium to exorcise the evil spirits making him sick,” said Dr. Lisa Lee, professor of pathology at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, adding that treating high-profile patients like Trump can be difficult, especially when they believe that demons have inhabited their soul and must be released to end their Covid-19 symptoms. “As a doctor, it’s important to listen to your patients, but permitting the President of the United States to inject himself with a tincture of mercury and stick an ice pick through his forehead is just reckless. Oftentimes, stubborn patients like Trump think they can open up their brain themselves and ensure their blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile are in perfect harmony when really, that is not the case.” At press time, physicians expressed greater concern after Trump released a video showing him covered in leeches and receiving an infusion of horse blood for strength.
Trump Supporters Fighting Over Used Tissues President Tossed From SUV #~# BETHESDA, MD—Clawing at each other as they grabbed up his discarded, mucus-filled wipings, supporters of President Donald Trump reportedly fought over the used facial tissues he tossed from his SUV Sunday as his motorcade passed by outside Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. “Fuck you, that one’s mine!” said Lewis Reynolds, a 33-year-old presidential well-wisher who was seen exchanging blows with other Trump fans as they brawled in the street to secure possession of one of the dozen or so crumpled-up and fully saturated tissues. “Give it back! He was looking at me when he threw it out. I was standing right here waiting to catch it during his whole coughing fit, and then you swooped in at the last second and stole it from me!” Having emerged from the struggle with a tissue to take home, a visibly excited Reynolds told reporters he would be preserving it for posterity and was “never going to wash [his] hands again!”
Pope Denies Audience With Pompeo Citing Election #~# A Vatican spokesperson has confirmed that Secretary of State Mike Pompeo will not be granted an audience with Pope Francis during his trip to Rome, citing the Holy See’s long-standing custom of not meeting with political figures ahead of elections. What do you think?
Report: Someone’s Got A Big Birthday Coming Up #~# PHOENIX—In an effusive acknowledgement that a particular person would soon be reaching the annual milestone, a report issued Monday suggested someone around here has a very big birthday coming up. “While we won’t say who, rumor has it a certain somebody’s special day will be arriving before you know it,” the report stated in part, stressing that the source of this information was every bit as excited as the birthday boy or girl about the upcoming festivities, and possibly even more so. “A little bird told us this person is about to turn a year older, and plans are being made to ensure they celebrate the big day in style! Apparently, there’s going to be quite a party, and we’ll need them to blow out the candles on a yummy cake and open up some pretty cool presents. For now, though, we just want them to know how glad we are that they were born.” The report went on to say that because the year had been a little tough financially, the guest of honor would need to share the big bash with their sister, who also has a birthday this month.
Nike CEO Steps Down In Disgrace After Footage Emerges Of A Guy Running Really Slow While Wearing Their Sneakers #~# BEAVERTON, OR—Taking full responsibility for the devastating failure, Nike CEO John Donahoe resigned under a cloud of scandal Monday after footage surfaced in which a guy was seen running really slow in a pair of the sportswear giant’s sneakers. “While we are still analyzing the series of catastrophic mistakes that led to a Nike patron’s underperformance in a physical fitness activity, I am the CEO, and this is totally on me,” said Donahoe, adding that the company’s values were not reflected in the 20-second clip that recently emerged on social media, which shows an awkward, out-of-shape man barely jogging for half a block while wearing the company’s Air Zoom Pegasus 36 running shoes. “Please know I am deeply sorry for the humiliating lack of athleticism on display in this video. No one in Nike gear should ever be breathing heavily and running all hunched over with their arms on their hips like that—never mind the bumbling, lethargic pace. This is not what Nike is about, and I have submitted my resignation.” At press time, reports confirmed the company’s entire board of directors had also resigned after new footage surfaced in which a guy misses a bunch of easy grounders while wearing one of the company’s baseball gloves.
Small Town Ravished By Alejandro #~# We have the latest on the hot-blooded heartthrob that made landfall two days ago, sweeping hundreds of men and women off their feet.
Everything Is RUINED: Deborah Just Scheduled Her Video Game Expo For The Same Time As Ours Even Though We Already Opened Our Doors And Her Rich Parents Are Hiring Bobby Flay #~# Goddamnit, gamers. We don’t know if you heard, but apparently, we aren’t allowed to have even one nice thing without it being destroyed by that backstabbing bitch Deborah Hart. In fact, we here at OGN might as well cancel our entire Onion Gaming Expo because even though we already sent out invites to our conference and people are showing up, Deborah scheduled her video game expo for the exact same time as ours and her rich parents are hiring Bobby Flay to cook hors d’oeuvres.
Virtual Tour Of The OGN Conference #~# With the kickoff to our first-ever gaming convention just hours away, we know gamers are literally pounding at the doors to get inside the Zweibel Convention Center and get a gander at the treasures that lie within. Thanks to the wonders of virtual reality, we can give you a sneak peek at exactly what attending the Onion Gamer’s Expo is all about. Click on to delve into our gaming utopia.
Major Letdown: Todd Howard Was Just About To Announce The Next ‘Elder Scrolls’ When A Huge Rat Pulled Him Down Into Some Reeds And Now Everything Is Eerily Still #~# We hate to be the bringer of bad news, gamers, but looks like we’ve got to report a pretty huge letdown coming out of the Onion Gaming Expo today: Todd Howard was just about to announce new details about the latest entry in the Elder Scrolls series when a huge rat pulled him down into some reeds, and now everything is eerily still.
British Zoo Separates Parrots Caught Swearing At Visitors #~# A zoo in England has separated and removed from public view five African grey parrots after the birds were found repeatedly swearing at visitors and each other. What do you think?
‘The Onion’ Investigates Who In The White House Has Potentially Been Exposed To Coronavirus #~# Reports that President Donald Trump tested positive for Covid-19 following days of meetings, fundraisers, and a presidential election debate are giving rise to speculation that some of his advisors and confidants may also be infected. The Onion investigates who in the White House has potentially been exposed to coronavirus.
Nation’s Bland, Ineffectual White Supremacists Waiting For Signal From Pence #~# WASHINGTON—Ready to spring into action at a moment’s notice, the nation’s bland, ineffectual white supremacists confirmed Friday they were just waiting for the signal from Vice President Mike Pence. “Just give us the word, and we’ll shake our heads while murmuring, ‘This country isn’t what it used to be,’” said 41-year-old father of three Thomas Strom, who spoke on behalf of the country’s millions of milquetoast white nationalists, warning they were mobilized at their dinner tables, living room couches, and desktop computer keyboards. “Vice President Pence, we’re fully prepared to complain about virtue signaling on our Facebook accounts and harrumph behind strangers in line at the grocery store. We’re poised to roll our eyes when someone brings up Spanish class at the next PTA meeting and stare at the minorities at the gas station. You can count on us, sir. We have your back.” At press time, the nation’s bland white supremacists had frantically scrambled in all directions after a Black man looked at them.
Hope Hicks Exhausted After Another Day Packed Full Of Meetings #~# WASHINGTON—Saying she barely had time to catch her breath after traveling around Washington for almost 10 hours straight, White House senior counselor Hope Hicks confided to reporters Friday that she was exhausted after another day packed full of meetings. “There was the regular White House briefings where all the senior advisors cram into the room, of course, and then after that I had to go across the city to meet Senator Lindsey Graham for lunch,” said a worn-out Hicks, adding that she had just managed to squeeze in a last-minute meeting with White House chief of staff Mark Meadows to look over some upcoming scheduling related to President Trump’s reelection campaign before meeting with Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and top House Democrats about a potential new stimulus bill. “I’ve had the sniffles all day, and I feel much more tired than usual, but hey, that’s Fridays for you. The afternoon meeting with [Trump advisors] Jared Kushner, Steven Miller, and Dan Scavino went on longer than I expected, and my head was pulsing, but I managed to power through it. I had enough gas left in the tank to swing by a D.C. bar where I met up with some journalists for one of our little off-the-record conversations, although I certainly didn’t have my A game when I bumped into [Senate majority leader] Mitch McConnell on my way out. I just hope everyone at choir practice didn’t notice how tired I looked.” Hicks told reporters that she just hoped to get a good night’s sleep so she could be ready for a Saturday morning visit to a group of sick veterans at Walter Reed Army Medical Center.
Rudy Giuliani Tests Positive For Slew Of Obscure Bat Diseases Unrelated To Covid-19 #~# NEW YORK—After undergoing tests to rule out the possibility of coronavirus infection, sources close to Rudy Giuliani confirmed Friday that the attorney tested positive for several dozen obscure bat diseases completely unrelated to Covid-19. “As of now, we have confirmed 27 diseases and counting inside Mr. Giuliani, many of which experts have only previously seen as communicable from bat to bat,” said Dr. Allen Ellis, physician for the former New York City mayor, adding that a team of archaeobiologists from Harvard University who specialize in rare mammalian diseases discovered high levels of guano in Giuliani’s blood. “While definitely suffering from more common bat-to-person transmissions like rabies, ticks, and histoplasmosis, Mr. Giuliani has also somehow contracted vespertilioma—a long-eradicated bat cancer researchers haven’t seen since a very unusual case in Germany in 1903. He also has the bat version of diabetes. A number of these viruses are only sexually transmitted between bats, so this is extremely concerning. An especially interesting contagion located inside Mr. Giuliani’s chest is linked to the only known fossilized remains of a rare Tibetan bat species, which was buried with the inscription ‘kha rdung pho wang,’ roughly translating to ‘curse of the small winged mammal.’” At press time, Dr. Ellis was struggling to make sense of an abdominal scan of Giuliani, which appeared to show six live bats living comfortably inside his liver.
Irish Court Rules Subway Bread Does Not Meet Legal Definition Of Bread #~# The Irish Supreme Court has ruled that the loaves used to make Subway sandwiches contain too much sugar to meet the country’s legal definition of bread, and therefore does not qualify for a 0% tax rate like other staple foods. What do you think?
Study: Pitbull Owners 10 Times More Likely To Bite Pedestrians Than Owners Of Other Dog Breeds #~# New data today is backing up claims that pitbull owners, on average, tend to be more aggressive and territorial than owners of German shepherds or rottweilers.
Report: This Article Successfully Pads Out Content Quota #~# CHICAGO—According to a new report released Friday, this article, the one you are currently reading, has successfully padded out The Onion’s daily content quota and is expected to help generate the minimum level of web traffic necessary to keep the publication financially viable. “All indicators suggest this article will fulfill its purpose as a piece of filler content written with the express purpose of meeting the day’s minimum publishing requirements,” the report read in part, adding that the article is completely devoid of editorial value, contributes nothing to the public discourse, and serves no purpose beyond increasing ad impressions on the website. “While this won’t be The Onion’s highest-performing article of the day, it should nonetheless boost the click-through rate and, by doing so, keep the lights on a bit longer. Media-focused articles such as this have a niche audience, but with the addition of SEO keywords like “late capitalism,” “Harry and Meghan,” and “TikTok challenge,” it should deliver numbers just high enough to justify its existence.” The report concluded by noting that the bottom of the barrel has now been scraped, there are no stories prepared for tomorrow, and it might be best to start the morning off with a slideshow of past favorites.
Area Dad Just Sort Of Assumed He Could Build Treehouse #~# SUPERIOR, CO—Standing amid a pile of lumber and an assortment of tools while his disappointed children looked on, area dad Justin Morse admitted to reporters Friday that he just sort of assumed he could build a treehouse. “The kids wanted a treehouse so I told them I’d build one, and I guess I figured that I inherently knew how to do it,” said Morse, adding that while he had no practical experience building things or even basic woodworking skills, he always figured that a treehouse was a straightforward thing that anyone could just construct in a couple hours. “I got some lumber from Home Depot and I bought a new power drill and assumed that would be good, but I actually don’t know the first thing about how to assemble the damn thing. Do you put it together on the ground? How do you get it into the tree? I have a pretty sturdy ladder, but there seem to be some other things I would need. I hammered some wood together to make part of a wall, but I realized I don’t know how to connect the pieces together to make the full structure. Plus, how do you make a roof? This is way more confusing than I ever thought it would be.” At press time, Morse asked his children whether they wouldn’t be just as happy with a playhouse made from a refrigerator box.
Mitch Trubisky Studying Game Tapes In Hopes Of Discovering What Bears Saw In Him In First Place #~# CHICAGO—Scouring plays for any hint at something that could provide insight, Chicago quarterback Mitch Trubisky reportedly spent Thursday studying game tape in hopes of discovering what the Bears saw in him in the first place. “I look at my throwing mechanics and think they must be nuts, but there must have been something that made people think I was good,” said Trubisky while rewinding another of his old starts for UNC in the hopes of catching some of the boundless potential and talent he always felt he had in at least one of the plays. “My accuracy was more solid, but I wasn’t under the same kind of pressure back then. Okay, wow, I really fired that one in—wait no, it got intercepted. Maybe it was my love of the game? I looked a lot happier playing back then, that’s for sure.” At press time, Trubisky was viewing a video tape of his first start in an Ohio Pop Warner league.
Court Approves $800 Million Settlement For Las Vegas Shooting Victims #~# A judge on Wednesday approved an $800 million settlement between MGM Resorts and more than 4,400 relatives and victims of the October 2017 Las Vegas mass shooting, with the casino paying $49 million and acknowledging no liability while its insurers cover the remaining $751 million. What do you think?
Car Commercial Implying Some Sort of Link Between Owning Lincoln Corsair And Daughter Becoming An Astronaut #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—As it cuts from a young girl in the car with her father to a grown woman pulling on a NASA helmet as her old man proudly looks on, a TV commercial is implying some sort of link between owning a Lincoln Corsair and having a daughter who becomes an astronaut, sources confirmed Thursday. “Gotta admit I’m not too sure what this guy’s kid going on a space mission has to do with him buying that car,” said local man Kurt Buckley, 41, adding that it was also “a pretty big stretch” to show the daughter pointing to the night sky from the luxury crossover’s backseat and then show a woman in her 20s attending a quantum physics lecture. “I have a daughter myself, but I’m still struggling to connect the dots between a teen girl jumping out of an SUV to run through a field with her friends and a rocket on the Kennedy Space Center launchpad counting down to blastoff. Sure, it tugs at the heartstrings a bit to see a father and daughter lying on the hood of a car and smiling as airplanes fly overhead—how could it not? I just don’t get how the hell his decision to lease a Lincoln Corsair for $337 a month factors into any of this.” Buckley went on to state that he wasn’t even sure he wanted his daughter to pursue a career as an astronaut, observing that it’s a long-shot job at best and, in any case, his 9-year-old loves animals and wants to be a marine biologist.
L.A. Mayor Allocates $20 Million For Beautification Of City’s Sidewalk Residents #~# LOS ANGELES—Claiming the aging, decrepit eyesores have been long overdue for a refurbishment, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti reportedly allocated $20 million Thursday for the beautification of the city’s sidewalk residents. “Today, I am proud to announce that I have secured funding to begin making visual improvements of our city’s sidewalk dwellers,” said Garcetti , explaining that, as part of the initiative, public workers would begin cleaning up the neglected denizens, a move that will greatly boost property values and tourism revenue in the community. “For too long, Angelinos have been complaining about the sight of these dilapidated inhabitants, and the time has come to do something about it. It’s no longer enough to just try and hide them under a tarp or use high-pressure hoses to remove them from our streets; we need to make sure they look as pleasing as possible.” At press time, Garcetti had donned a hardhat and was swinging a sledgehammer at a dangerous, ramshackle sidewalk resident.
FiveThirtyEight Employees Scrambling To Jolt Nate Silver Awake After He Traveled Too Far Into Undecided Voter’s Mind #~# NEW YORK—Panicked FiveThirtyEight employees reportedly scrambled to jolt Nate Silver awake Thursday after the statistician traveled too far into an undecided voter’s mind while collecting data for the 2020 presidential election. “Nate, Nate—if you can hear me, you need to find a way out of this man’s temporal lobe now, because if you go any further into his voting history, you might not make it out alive,” said Senior Computational Journalist Masha Sidorov, who screamed after the incapacitated statistician—attached via electrodes to a 65-year-old independent from West Virginia—began to seize up, shake uncontrollably, and bleed from his nose and ears. “Oh my God, he promised he was just going to do a quick scan for implicit attitudes, but he’s been in there for hours, coming in and out of consciousness to yell either ‘Biden’ or ‘Trump.’ Nate, the further you go, the harder it will be for you to remember how to get out—in less than five minutes, you could become an undecided voter yourself.” At press time, several FiveThirtyEight employees strapped down Geoffrey Skelley, who had offered to go into the undecided voter’s mind and rescue Silver, after the statistician began to repeatedly scream “Jill Stein” and then flatlined.
Kamala Harris Admits She Only Supports Biden Because She Hates Trump #~# WASHINGTON— Calling the Democratic presidential nominee “far from her first choice,” Senator Kamala Harris reportedly admitted Thursday that she only supports Joe Biden because she hates Donald Trump. “I look at it this way—it’s either him or the other guy,” said Harris, who explained that despite accepting the Democratic vice presidential nomination, she hadn’t yet ruled out running as the Green Party vice president since she lives in a blue state anyway. “Trump is the worst. Biden is just okay. I don’t hate him, I’m just not really thrilled, either. I guess I’ll reluctantly drag my feet to the campaign trail for Joe, but only to get Trump out of office. Whatever. I just want this stupid election to be over.” At press time, Harris added her first choice for the nomination would have been former South Bend, IN mayor Pete Buttigieg. 
Lowe’s Unveils New Hide-A-House Disguised As Giant Plastic Boulder #~# MOORESVILLE, NC—Hailing the new product as a simple but effective home security solution, the hardware chain Lowe’s announced Thursday that stores would soon begin selling a device called the Hide-A-House, which allows a spacious, single-family dwelling to be disguised as a giant plastic boulder. “Hide-A-House lets you hide your home in plain sight by concealing it inside a large, gray-brown slab  that is all but invisible when placed discreetly among landscaping,” said Lowe’s spokesperson Maryanne Lopez, who noted that the 30-foot-tall molded poly-resin stone not only blended in by matching the shape and color of rocks commonly used around lawns and gardens, but was also 100% weatherproof, ensuring the living spaces inside stayed dry. “Its natural look allows you to camouflage your house just about anywhere in your yard. Only when you’re close enough to touch your Hide-A-House will you notice its slight difference in texture, so you won’t have to worry about it falling into the wrong hands. Best of all, it’s easy to use: When you want to get into your house, just lift up the rock and crawl in.” Lopez added that a Hide-A-House user who had friends visiting from out of town and wasn’t there to let them in could simply provide the guests with instructions on how to find the giant boulder.
Festive Corn Maze Misread By Aliens As Declaration Of Intergalactic War #~# SHAKOPEE, MN—Having spotted from a distance of many light years the elaborate series of twists and turns cut into a field of grain on Earth, an alien civilization reportedly found a message Thursday in a festive corn maze that, in the symbols of its own language, constituted a declaration of intergalactic war. “This unmistakable provocation from the denizens of sector MW42Ab9 must be met with immediate and overwhelming force,” Emperor Gurnyynan of the Balvyyrian Galaxy said after viewing a five-dimensional telescopic image of Shakopee Apple Orchard’s seasonal, family-friendly attraction, which read “We shall conquer the universe and none shall be spared!” in his native alphabet. “I hereby command every ship in the galactic fleet to lock targets on this planet! We have no choice but to annihilate Earth before its inhabitants make good on their threat to kill us all. The risk is simply too great, even if these beings appear, at the moment, to be trapped in a rather primitive labyrinth of their own devising.” At press time, reports confirmed Gurnyynan had halted the launch of a 170-petaton antigravity bomb after his reconnaissance team returned home with a dozen of the Shakopee orchard’s world-famous apple-cider doughnuts.
Scientist Can’t Forgive Himself For Pressuring Mouse To Try Drugs For The First Time #~# ATLANTA—Expressing his deep regret for the effects of his past actions, scientist Gabriel Foster admitted to reporters Thursday that he can’t forgive himself for pressuring a young lab mouse to try drugs for the first time.
Local Residents Express Concern Over Homeless Shelter Being Built On Their Planet #~# Hear why citizens across the globe are displeased with a local nonprofit’s plan to build a new homeless shelter in such close proximity to the planet’s many schools, homes, and parks.
Amnesty International Halts Work In India #~# Amnesty International said it would cease operations in India following years of harassment and retaliation by the government, including freezing the human rights organization’s bank accounts and interrogating staff members. What do you think?
NBA Figures They Garnered Enough Praise To Let All The Players Get Covid Now #~# NEW YORK—Rationalizing that the league was effectively above criticism at this point, a spokesperson for the National Basketball Association confirmed Tuesday that they had probably garnered enough praise from last summer’s “NBA Bubble” to let all the players contract coronavirus during the upcoming season. “We’re riding high on five months of adulation for the way we handled the bubble, so whatever happens next won’t really matter,” said NBA commissioner Adam Silver, who reasoned that the sheer number of fluff pieces written about the league’s coronavirus-free post-season should give them free reign to host super-spreader events across the country. “Our legacy is pretty much secured at this point. We already did our part to contain the spread—a few hundred Covid cases this year won’t take that away. It’s probably a good idea to make sure that LeBron or Giannis don’t catch it, but who gives a shit about the other guys? We don’t really expect any push back, since we got a free pass for trapping our players in Disney World to recoup lost revenue.” At press time, Silver figured that if the NBA didn’t cancel games after Kobe Bryant’s death, then they won’t have to if a player succumbs to coronavirus. 
Defensive Ron Howard: ‘You Try Making A Good Movie About Fucking Hillbillies’ #~# LOS ANGELES—In response to widespread negative reviews of his recently released film, Hillbilly Elegy, defensive director Ron Howard  told his critics Monday, “You try making a good movie about fucking hillbillies.” “I’d invite anyone who didn’t like my film to try creating something with actual emotional depth about a bunch of backwards, dumbass hill people—can’t be done,” said Howard, adding that it was impossible to write, direct, edit, or even act in a movie about “some hopeless, completely unlikable Appalachian inbreds who just keep fucking up their own lives over and over again.” “Oh, you thought my movie was trite, huh? Well, what did you people expect? Their real-life struggle is the same ridiculous thing over and over again. All those holler dimwits are so drunk off their asses and strung out on heroin it’s impossible to make a coherent story about them. Ask [actors] Amy [Adams] and Glenn [Close], they’ll tell you how difficult it is to act like people who are already parodies of themselves. ‘But Ron,’ you’ll say, ‘what about J.D. Vance’s book? What about his input?’ Vance hates them just as much as I do. He told me the second he got out of there and realized he could cash a check on their fat, Walmart-fed asses, he was on cloud nine.” Howard also brushed off a few positive reviews of the film as representing a universal generational struggle, saying that wasn’t the point of the movie and that no one involved in the making of Hillbilly Elegy was “even from the same species as these toothless yokels.”
Man Wondering If Scene From ‘The Crown’ Where Queen Elizabeth Drinks Tea Actually Happened #~# DULUTH, MN—Unsure about the historical accuracy of the popular Netflix show, local man Ryan Galanis was reportedly wondering Monday if a scene from The Crown in which Queen Elizabeth II drinks tea is based on an event that actually took place. “I realize they need to take some liberties with the facts for the sake of narrative flow, but having the queen sit in her drawing room and drink a cup of tea like that felt way too contrived,” said Galanis, doubtful that the writers of the series had a primary source document that could prove the monarch actually sipped from a china cup with a matching saucer, as she does in an episode he recently viewed. “Honestly, it kind of takes me out of it when they depict her just sipping some Earl Grey in the middle of a scene like that. I know I’m being kind of nitpicky, but it’s easier to watch these historical dramas when the plot details are a little more convincing.” At press time, sources confirmed Galanis had decided not to finish The Crown and to instead watch the Netflix show about the queen playing chess.
Pope Francis Urges World To Give ‘The Newsroom’ Another Chance #~# VATICAN CITY—Calling upon the world’s 1.2 billion Roman Catholics to act with forgiveness towards the Aaron Sorkin series, Pope Francis held a press conference Monday urging the world to give HBO drama The Newsroom another chance. “I’m advising Christians around the world to come together and open our hearts to this political drama,” said the 83-year-old pontiff, recommending his followers to be Christ-like in their appraisal of the show’s “uneven” pilot episode. “Brothers and sisters, I’m well aware that this show is Sorkin at his most self-indulgent, but there are actually some great performances from Jeff Bridges and the absolutely stacked cast. Let us not forget Alison Pill’s standout role as News Night associate producer Maggie Jordan. Sure, the first season is pretty rough, but who among us is without sin? Do unto Aaron Sorkin as you would want done unto you.” Pope Francis concluded by conceding that Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip was an unforgivable trespass. 
12-Year-Old Admitted To Georgia Tech #~# Preteen Caleb Anderson, described as a genius who could do fractions and read as a toddler, has been admitted to Georgia Tech as a sophomore where he will study aerospace engineering. What do you think?
Doctors Concerned As Hairline Fracture In Biden’s Foot Spreads Through Entire Skeleton #~# WILMINGTON, DE—Stressing that their patient’s health remained their primary concern, a team of medical experts announced Monday that a hairline fracture in Joe Biden’s foot had begun spreading throughout his entire skeleton. “After a slight accident from playing with [presidential rescue dog] Major, we were troubled to find a small fracture expanding from the president elect’s metatarsal into his shin, and eventually working its way up the fibula and femur and into the rest of his skeletal system,” said Dr. Edward Gross, adding that x-rays inspected by fellow members of the campaign’s medical office revealed that Biden’s sternum had almost entirely split down the middle due to the physical stress. “Of course, the small breaks in the 205 other bones in his body are concerning as well as the constant sound of cracking, but what we’re mainly worried about now are some of the hairline fractures in his skull. If those go, we could just see his entire skeleton start collapsing in on him.” At press time, a spokesperson for the campaign had announced plans to place Biden in a six-foot-tall protective boot.
Deal Alert: This Kid Has All The Coolest Games, And You Can Play Them At His House If You Can Get Over How Weird He Is #~# Listen up, gamers, because we’ve got a killer deal that you’re not going to want to miss: This kid who lives over on the busy stretch of Allen Avenue has all the coolest games and you can play them at his house if you can just get over how weird he is!
Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell #~# Hear how justice was finally served for those wrongfully accused of greed, glutony, and premarital sex.
Pantene Unveils New Color Shine Shampoo That Makes Hair So Radiant It Shall Blind Anyone Who Gazes Upon It #~# CINCINNATI—Claiming to have harnessed the brilliance of a thousand suns within each bottle, hair care brand Pantene announced Monday it had developed a new Color Shine shampoo that bestows such radiance upon one’s silken strands that it shall blind any mortal who gazes upon them. “Our newly reformulated Color Shine shampoo makes hair so smooth and lustrous that all who encounter its penetrating luminosity shall immediately and permanently be rendered sightless!” declared Pantene spokeswoman Anne Peterson, who added that cataract sunglasses must be worn by consumers who wished to avoid searing their corneas as they styled their blindingly shiny hair in the mirror and noted that any temporary loss of vision just meant the shampoo was working as intended. “This color-protecting, nourishing shampoo gently cleanses as you lather, leaving hair looking healthy and vibrant enough to boil the retinas of any onlookers inside their heads, all while keeping frizz and fly-aways at bay. A proprietary blend of aloes locks in hair’s natural moisture, making each strand touchably soft as it glows white-hot with the intensity of a hydrogen bomb blast. A pea-sized amount is all it takes for head-turning highlights that leave behind a sea of innocents clutching their faces and shouting, ‘My eyes, my eyes!’ as they fall to their knees, the sight of your enviable sheen forever scorched into their minds as they are consumed by all-encompassing blackness.” At press time, a sprawling brush fire had erupted and burned 500,000 acres after Pantene attempted to photograph one of the Color Shine models while using the camera’s flash. 
Cyber Monday By The Numbers #~# In the 15 years since the term was coined, Cyber Monday has become a staple of the online shopping season. The Onion takes a look at the most eye-popping numbers associated with this hallowed spending tradition. 
Annoying Coworker Keeps Sending After-Hours Emails That He's Trapped In Office Elevator #~# SPARKS, MD—Growing increasingly irked by the inconsiderate behavior, employees at local advertising firm Valley Media were reportedly annoyed Friday that their coworker, Josh Goldberg, kept sending annoying after-hours emails about how he’s trapped in the office elevator. “It’s hard to enjoy my downtime when my phone keeps buzzing with messages outlining how Josh has been stuck in the elevator since Wednesday or whatever,” said employee Rita O’Toole, confirming that she had been forced to ignore over a dozen work-related emails, several Slack messages, and a voicemail begging for help. “I understand that this project of extricating himself from the small, windowless box in the downtown office is important to him, but it’s the last thing I feel like thinking about during the long weekend.” At press time, O’Toole was reportedly relieved the flurry of messages had stopped after Goldberg passed out from lack of oxygen.
Satan Offering Black Friday Deal To Trade Only 50% Of Soul For Lifetime Of Riches #~# NINTH CIRCLE, HELL—Claiming that untold wealth could be yours for the “low, low price of half your immortal essence,” Satan, the Great Tempter and Prince of Darkness, announced this morning a Black Friday deal in which human beings could trade a mere 50% of their soul for a lifetime of riches. “If you’ve ever dreamed of being rich beyond your wildest imagination but didn’t want to give up your entire soul to do it, then I have a deal for you,” said the Father of Lies, speaking in hideous guttural tones as he explained that fortune, power, and influence had never been more affordable than they were right now to mortals who scrawled the promo code “MEPHISTOPHELES” in blood upon the door of their home. “Finally, it’s possible to become one of the wealthiest people on the planet while still retaining a small part of what makes you human. Act now before you end up poor and destitute! And don’t forget, I’m willing to match whatever offer God makes you. That’s a promise.” At press time, Satan had reportedly offered to throw in a free year of Apple TV+ with each qualifying purchase.
Alternate Price Of Book In Canadian Dollars Gives Man Little Window Into What Life Would Be Like If He Were Canadian #~# DETROIT—Offering the U.S. citizen a brief opportunity to vicariously experience a different nationality, the Canadian price printed on the back cover of a book gave local man Peter Brown a little window into what life might be like if he were Canadian, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Wait a second, so in a world where I’m Canadian, I’d be paying $22.99 for this paperback instead of $16.99?” said Brown, wondering aloud if the Canadian version of himself would be upset upon seeing that the number for him was higher than it was for Americans. “That’s amazing. It’s pretty interesting that they call them ‘dollars’ over there, too, even though their money looks totally different. Just imagine, if I’d been born in Canada, my wallet would have queens and prime ministers in it instead of a bunch of presidents. It really makes you stop and think.” The Detroit resident later confirmed his intention to apply for a passport so he could one day cross the border and discover all the new and fascinating cultural experiences awaiting him in Windsor, Ontario.  
Introduction Of Giancarlo Esposito Suggests Main Character Now Totally Fucked #~# FONTANA, CA—In a momentous twist sources confirmed could only mean one thing, the introduction of Giancarlo Esposito into the television show Jared Brenot was viewing Friday indicated that the main character was now totally fucked. “Oh shit—I don’t know what exactly is going to happen, but this motherfucker’s going to get wrecked,” said Brenot, who grimaced as he watched Esposito greet the main character with a polite, measured smile and firm handshake. “God, this is so stressful. I don’t even know how much longer I can keep watching. These guys are about to get their shit rocked bad, I just know it. Ugh, I would hate to be that poor fuck right now.” At press time, Brenot gasped in horror as Esposito shot Jane Fonda’s Grace And Frankie character point blank. 
South Dakota Unveils New ‘Come Die Here’ Tourism Campaign #~# PIERRE, SD—In an effort to attract visitors to a state that is home to some of the worst Covid-19 infection rates in the world, South Dakota officials launched a new tourism initiative Friday that will be centered around the slogan “Come Die Here.” “For years, people have flocked here to see Mount Rushmore, but now South Dakota is also a great place to just come and die,” said Gov. Kristi Noem  in a prepared statement, which touted the dwindling availability of ICU beds, lack of a statewide mask mandate, and opportunity to take one’s last, fluid-filled breaths amidst the scenic backdrop of Badlands National Park. “What could be better than perishing while surrounded by the gorgeous Black Hills after enjoying a scrumptious last meal of chislic or bison burgers? Wild Bill Hickok went down in South Dakota, and now it’s easier than ever for you and your loved ones to do the same!” At press time, reports confirmed North Dakota, Wyoming, and Nebraska had all sought to compete with South Dakota by launching their own similar campaigns.
Man Getting High And Eating Taco Bell Thousands Of Miles Away From Family Having Best Thanksgiving Of Life #~# SAN DIEGO—Lying on the couch in his cramped, poorly lit apartment, local man Mark Borkowski was reportedly having the best Thanksgiving of his life Thursday while getting high and eating Taco Bell thousands of miles away from his family. “Wow, I never knew this holiday could be so genuinely wonderful,” said Borkowski, sitting alone with a glass pipe in one hand and a chalupa in the other as he watched episodes of How I Met Your Mother on his laptop. “The Taco Bell guy got my order pretty much right, and I still have plenty of weed. Meanwhile, my parents are on the other side of the country and in a totally different timezone, so our entire interaction this year was a five-minute phone call while I packed this bowl. There truly is so much to be thankful for.” At press time, sources confirmed an elated Borkowski was reflecting on the likelihood that this year his Christmas wish would come true and he’d spend the holiday getting totally shitfaced on vodka. 
Nation’s Relatives Call For Little Zoom Tour Of Your Apartment #~# CARROLLTON, TX—Declaring “Ooh, yes” and “Let’s see,” the nation’s relatives reportedly called for a little Zoom tour of your apartment Thursday.  “What fun, we’ve never gotten to see it before—show us, show us!” said 61-year-old aunt Judy Freymond, who joined the chorus of millions of uncles, cousins and grandparents across the country remarking that it was such a great idea considering the circumstances and why don’t you let them see the place. “Oh, it’s so dark! Don’t they have good windows in the city? I hope it’s in a nice neighborhood, especially after that last spot. Ah, that artwork is so interesting on the wall. It’s very you. Wait, go back, I want to see that couch. Very nice. Where’s your television? Do you not watch TV? Where’s that door lead to? Is that your bedroom?” At press time, the nation’s relatives wanted to know if that aromatherapy diffuser they got you for Christmas last year was anywhere.
American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger #~# On this special Thanksgiving Day episode, hear how your own tendency to overeat and your aversion to exercise could stem all the way back to one 327-pound Plymouth Colony settler named Jeremiah Alden.
Nation Even More Unsure Than Usual Whether To Hug Cousin #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Stressing that the present atmosphere only raised further questions about the greeting method, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that they felt even more unsure than usual about whether to hug their cousins this Thanksgiving. “To be fair, I wouldn’t have any idea what to do even in regular times, but now I’m just totally lost,” said Andrew Hanson, 33, echoing the sentiment of 330 million Americans who emphasized that they really didn’t know their cousin that well and things have felt weird since the time they accidentally shook hands twice back in 2007 after mistaking them for a completely different cousin. “Boy, what the hell am I supposed to do here? An elbow bump? No, he might not even know what I’m doing. Plus, he’s standing a little apart from the rest of the family, and it’s not clear if that’s because of health concerns or because he just doesn’t like us. Oh God, he made eye contact. Christ.” At press time, the nation had settled instead on politely patting their cousin’s rump and kissing them delicately on the nape of the neck.
Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving #~# Americans across the country are celebrating Thanksgiving today, though millions will not gather in person this year due to the pandemic. How are you celebrating Thanksgiving?
Parents Allow Excited Children To Tear Open One Turkey For Thanksgiving Eve #~# ATHENS, GA—Beaming as the youngsters rushed down the stairs and threw open the oven doors, parents Jack and Christina Packton allowed their excited children Wednesday to tear open one turkey for Thanksgiving Eve. “We know it’s a day early, but there’s nothing more magical than sitting around with friends and family on Wednesday night and watching your kid rip right into that beautiful, crispy, herbed skin,” said Jack as his son and daughter picked up various Butterballs, shook them, and tried to determine which ones they should open first. “When I was their age, I used to wait all year for the chance to pick just one turkey off the roasting pan and fling meat, bones, and grease everywhere. Yesterday, I even caught my own daughter sleeping with a 20-pound bird under her pillow because she just couldn’t wait.” At press time, Packton told reporters he probably should have hid the rest of the kids’ turkeys better after finding dozens of carcasses strewn in their closet.
Unexplained Metal Monolith Discovered In Utah #~# The Bureau of Land Management is investigating after a helicopter crew in Utah stumbled upon a shiny metallic monolith standing roughly 10 feet tall in a remote area of the state, which they believe may be an illegal art installation. What do you think?
Biden Receives First Box Of Wadded-Up Napkins And Receipts Comprising Trump Intelligence Briefing #~# WILMINGTON, DE—Ending two weeks of a transition blockade, President-elect Joe Biden confirmed Wednesday that he had received his first box of wadded-up napkins and greasy receipts comprising President Trump’s intelligence briefing. “We appreciate the Trump administration cooperating in a peaceful transition of power, and our team has already begun sifting through the important information scrawled on the odd banana peel and tuna can,” said Biden, adding that his staff was already using the damp cardboard box of soiled tissues and a plethora of crumpled hamburger wrappers containing possible national security threats to plan foreign policy strategy. “Some of the information we received may just be old take-out menus smeared in grease with some food items circled, but we can’t be sure, so we’ll be keeping them in case they contain any details of CIA covert actions. We’re also meeting with experts from the National Security Council, who are going to help us decipher the state secrets that seem to be written in barbecue sauce on the back of an empty Little Debbie Swiss Rolls box.” At press time, the Biden transition team was reportedly very alarmed by some smeared toothpaste on a Doritos bag that seemed to reference an impending terrorist attack on the United States.
Brief Viewing Of BET Ushers Caucasian Into Alternate World Of African American Advertisements #~# VALLEY FORGE, PA—Wondering aloud whether some of the products appearing on his television were even real, local Caucasian man Landon McGill was reportedly ushered into an alternate world Wednesday when a brief viewing of BET exposed him to advertisements intended for African Americans. “Whoa, what’s happening—it’s like I’ve been transported to a universe where there are special online dating sites just for black people,” said McGill, who expressed surprise upon watching what he thought was a McDonald’s commercial just like any other he had seen, until he realized the family enjoying the fast food items was black instead of white. “These look like regular ads, but then they’ll be for shampoo brands and beauty products I’ve never heard of. Seriously, what’s going on here? It’s been 15 minutes and they haven’t shown a single Volkswagen commercial. I’ve never seen any of these shows before, either. I gotta tell my buddies about this.” At press time, sources confirmed a stunned McGill had begun to question his sanity after he changed the channel and discovered a baffling program in which everyone was speaking Spanish.
Tommy Tuberville Slammed For Using Free Car, Auburn Cheerleaders To Recruit 5-Star Senate Intern #~# WASHINGTON—Calling it a blatantly corrupt abuse of the recruitment system, critics slammed Alabama’s senator-elect Tommy Tuberville  Wednesday for using free cars and Auburn cheerleaders to lure a five-star intern onto his staff. “Tuberville clearly spoiled this guy with steakhouse dinners and signed footballs to snatch him away from Ted Cruz,” said whistleblower Josh Winston, who claims Tuberville took the highly touted Yale senior on a “business” trip to a Cancun resort and spent thousands of dollars on escorts to inappropriately sway him towards joining his team on Capitol Hill. “These kids are supposed to do this for college credit. We’re talking about a once-in-a-generation intern who comes from an elite prep school. Any senator would be happy to add him to their roster, and it’s unfortunate that someone like Tommy can just buy their way through the process.” At press time, Tuberville announced plans to suspend the intern for two sessions of Congress for accepting illicit funds. 
Gamers, We Pulled Some Strings And We’re Pleased To Announce That The Common Loon Is Now Officially The Gaming Bird #~# Boy, have we got some good news for you, gamers. Oh yes, we do. What is it, you may be wondering? Well, get ready, because it’s going to knock your socks off: After pulling some strings, we are pleased to announce that the common loon Gavia immer is now officially the gaming bird!
Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving #~# Hear why some animal activists are asking people to consider giving one of the thousands of lonely turkeys trapped in an animal shelter a nice, warm forever home this Thanksgiving.
Millions Travel Home For Thanksgiving Despite CDC Warnings #~# Despite warnings from the CDC to stay home, Thanksgiving may as usual be the busiest travel period of the year, as nearly 1 million Americans passed through airport screenings on Sunday. What do you think?
Staff Slowly Introducing Biden To Oval-Shaped Rooms For Smoother Transition To White House #~# WILMINGTON, DE—Stressing that the preparation would help the administration hit the ground running, staff members announced plans Tuesday to slowly introduce Joe Biden to oval-shaped rooms for a smoother transition to the White House. “Our team wants to make sure the president elect doesn’t miss a beat on day one, which is why we’re spending the next 50 days gradually removing all corners from his residence,” said deputy chief of staff Jen O’Malley Dillon, revealing that Biden would be consulting with a team of the nation’s foremost architects on the implications of seeing curved walls wherever he looked. “What many presidential administrations don’t anticipate is exactly how curvy the walls are going to be. In fact, President Carter’s reelection campaign was doomed from the beginning because of how many hours he spent daily feeling his way along the sides of a wall, expecting to bump into a corner. He never did. We don’t intend to let that happen again.” At press time, the administration had sent out an email announcing a fundraising goal of $15 million to build an exact replica of the Oval Office in downtown Wilmington for Biden to explore.
GM To Recall 7 Million Vehicles #~# GM will comply with a National Highway Traffic Safety Commission order to replace faulty airbag inflators in 7 million trucks and SUVs worldwide, a recall which the company estimates will cost $1.2 billion dollars. What do you think?
Grief Psychologists Say Best Way To Cope With Death In The Family Is Dropping 50 In NBA Game #~# PITTSBURGH, PA—Urging suffering individuals to take concrete action to address their lingering pain, grief psychologists from Carnegie Mellon University released a study Tuesday finding that the best way to cope with a death in the family is dropping 50 points in an NBA game. “According to our data, the first stage of healing should involve hanging from the rim after a monster dunk and releasing a primal scream,” said lead researcher Gena Kennedy, conceding that while grappling with death is challenging, going 9-10 from beyond the arc can function as a potent relief valve. “We strongly urge anyone grieving a loved one to point up to the heavens after a nailing an impossible fadeaway jumper right in a defender’s face. We’ve also found that scoring the exact age of the deceased can be cathartic—even if it means intentionally missing a free throw. Joining an NBA roster and leading them to a 30-point blowout over a division rival has proven emotional benefits.” The report concluded by recommending mourners win an NBA championship to pay tribute to the deceased. 
CDC Shuts Down Thanksgiving Travel By Carrying Out Simultaneous Attacks On All Of Nation’s Airports, Train Stations #~# ATLANTA—Stressing that staying home this year had become far and away the safest option available, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shut down Thanksgiving travel this week by carrying out major terrorist attacks on all of the nation’s airports and trains stations. “We understand the temptation to travel to see loved ones this holiday season, but it’s important to understand that the dirty bombs and chemical weapons detonated at every major airport from LAX to JFK make travel inadvisable for the foreseeable future,” said Director Robert R. Redfield, adding that the CDC agents had guaranteed the halt of any the coronavirus spread with the additional dynamiting of 50,000 miles of highways, carpet-bombing of all significant rail lines, and placing heads on pikes outside most bus depots as a warning to would-be travelers. “Your safety is our foremost concern, which is why we also recommend that Americans avoid traveling on public transportation,  as each and every bus and train has been rigged to explode with C-4 if anyone steps on-board. Anyway, it’s just common sense to take care of yourself and wait to see relatives until late 2021 when the sarin gas clears from your hometown.” At press time, an AP journalist following up on whether healthy, young Americans were advised to travel home had immediately been taken out by a five-kiloton bomb dropped from a CDC drone.
Health Department Adds Steps To Heimlich Maneuver Poster Where Choking Victim Finishes Food They Coughed Up #~# WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the update was long overdue, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced Tuesday it had added new steps to the Heimlich maneuver poster so it would include the part where choking victims finished eating the food they had coughed up. “We’re now formally advising Heimlich-certified individuals to expel the food from the choking person’s windpipe, retrieve it from wherever it lands, and immediately place it back onto a dish for re-consumption,” said HHS secretary Alex Azar, urging first aid providers to simply re-administer the Heimlich in the event a victim chokes on the regurgitated item during their second attempt to swallow it. “After wrapping your arms around the person’s waist and performing five abdominal thrusts, it is imperative you place the bile-soaked chunks back into their mouth and move their jaws up and down to assist them in thorough chewing. Please note that with tougher pieces of gristle or a stale bread heel this whole process may take several tries.” HHS officials went on to announce they had updated the universal sign for choking to include a motion in which one pantomimes eating a hoagie. 
Facts Carefully Redacted From Travel Story To Avoid Revealing It Mission Trip #~# NEW YORK—Withholding any details that would betray the religious nature of the excursion abroad, local woman Catherine Angelos carefully redacted a travel story Tuesday to avoid revealing to friends that her purported vacation was actually a church mission trip. “Oh, yeah, I had an awesome time in Guatemala,” said the 28-year-old public relations associate who, in her recounting of the journey, meticulously omitted any mention of the prayer circles, evangelizing, or conversion campaigns she engaged in while visiting the Central American country. “I was with this, uh, kind of big group of people, and we  avoided the more touristy stuff. We mostly just hung around in this one small village. It was cool, because I got to know a lot of the locals. Oh, and party with them! Yeah, we were always strumming guitars and singing songs. Anyway, it’s an absolutely beautiful place.” At press time, Angelos was reportedly insisting that the friends she went on the trip with were definitely from a soccer camp and not part of a Pentecostal youth retreat.
Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy #~# Hear why members of the growing movement are calling cold weather nothing more than a leftist hoax made up to force Americans into thick down layers.
Fauci Says Santa Immune To Coronavirus #~# Leading infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci told USA TODAY that Santa Claus has an innate immunity to Covid-19 and cannot spread infection to others. What do you think?
Chris Christie Calls Trump’s Legal Team A ‘National Embarrassment’ #~# Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said on Sunday that Trump should concede the election as his lawyers have failed to provide any evidence of fraud and that their conduct “has been a national embarrassment.” What do you think?
Historians Say That First Thanksgiving Wasn’t Total Fuckfest That’s Taught In Schools #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Urging the nation to keep the event’s actual history in mind, researchers at Harvard University issued a reminder Monday that the first Thanksgiving was not actually the total fuckfest typically taught in schools. “Traditionally, we think of the first Thanksgiving as an occasion that brought together the pilgrims and Wampanoag tribe to blow off some steam by bending each other over next to a cornucopia in a three-day, non-stop orgy, but the reality is much more nuanced than the tribes teaching some slimy bastard of a settler how to go knuckle deep into a gaping asshole,” said Professor Jeffrey Hampstead, showing reporters fallacious textbook depictions of engorged Native Americans stuffing pilgrims from both ends while their chieftain busted his load onto the face of a settler hungry for more cum. “All through elementary school, we’ve been taught that the pilgrims fucked a turkey at this event. Of course, that never happened. The truth is that they only had access to elk.” At press time, Hampstead had rapidly ushered reporters out of his office, pulled the blinds, and started furiously masturbating to an ink block print.
‘Daddy, I’m Hungry!’ Says 27-Year-Old Bursting Into Background Of Father's Video Conference #~# SEATTLE—Sprinting through the office door and leaping onto his stunned father’s lap, 27-year-old Dennis Radomir loudly announced “Daddy, I’m hungry” Monday as he burst into the background of a work-related video conference. “Daddy, Daddy, my tummy is grumbling, please can I have my yum yums now,” whined the fully grown adult male before taking off his shirt, falling to the ground, and crying loudly after his father refused to give him his favorite “dino nuggies.” “But Daddy! I’m bored and Mommy’s being mean to me and says she’s on the phone. Please, please, please? Oh! Can I use your ’puter to play Minecraft? Also, I have to go potty, but no one will help me.” At press time, Radomir had been dragged out of the office by his furious mother who was simultaneously attempting to breastfeed his 24-year-old little brother.
Biden Announces Secretary Of Health And Human Services Will Be Ring Of Diverse Children Holding Hands #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the cabinet choice a “perfect symbol of unity,” President-elect Joe Biden announced at a press conference Monday that his administration’s Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee would be a ring of diverse children holding hands. “Starting January 20, the Department of Health and Human Services will be helmed by 10 elementary school-age boys and girls locked arm in arm, standing in a circle, and dancing around a globe,” said Biden, adding that the smiling Caucasian, African American, Asian, and Hispanic children beat out hundreds of career politicians because together, they represented a global idea of harmony and love. “Over the last four years, President Trump has worked to destabilize the American government, and these smiling children, dressed in all the colors of the rainbow, will bring us together. I assure the American people, once you hear them sing ‘I’d Like To Buy The World A Coke,’ your faith in our country will be restored.” At press time, Biden was under fire after evidence surfaced that the children had fervently supported the Iraq War despite their motto of “world peace for all.”
Mom Explains New Wildly Ill-Informed Measures To Keep Family Safe During Thanksgiving #~# HOLLYWOOD, FL—Calling her dinner plan “foolproof” despite varying significantly from recommendations issued by the CDC, area mother Jill Elliott explained several new, wildly ill-informed measures Monday to keep her family safe during Thanksgiving. “I’ve been doing my research, and I think if I sit the whole family at an extra-long table, give everyone their own disposable silverware, and spray some Lysol into the air every few minutes between courses, we should be a-okay,” said Elliott, holding up several bottles of hand sanitizer in one hand and a box fan in the other while listing off various well-intentioned but completely off-base strategies for preventing the spread of coronavirus. “The second people come over, I’m going to open all the windows, take everyone’s temperature, and sit your grandparents at a separate table in the living room where there’s a fireplace, because I heard the coronavirus can’t survive heat. Also, I know we have some people flying in from out of state, and I think as long as they hug high-risk people from the side, instead of face to face, that should stop the spread.” Elliott added that even though she had a fever and a bit of a cough, she was sure she’d be over it by the time her family arrived. 
Coronavirus Optimistic New Mutation Will Be Widely Available To Public By Early Spring #~# SIOUX FALLS, SD—In a major breakthrough that could completely alter the course of the global pandemic, the coronavirus confirmed Monday that it was optimistic a new mutation would be widely available to the public by early spring. “We’ve been working diligently over the past nine months to develop this new strain as quickly as possible, and we’re pleased to share that trials have been an overwhelming success,” said a spokesperson for Covid-19, who stated the general public could expect to see first cases rolled out to healthcare workers and other vulnerable populations as early as December. “Normally the development and distribution of something like this would take years, but thanks to a concerted national effort, we’ve been able to work at a breakneck speed. Naturally, numbers will be limited at first, but by April, we’re hoping this new mutation will be easily contractible across the entire country. And on top of that, we’re absolutely certain it will be available worldwide by the end of 2021.” At press time, the virus spokesperson added it was impossible to overstate how none of this would be possible without the Trump administration.
Deal Alert: The Quantity Of Raw Plastic And Silicon That Makes Up An Xbox Series X Can Be Yours For Just $8.27 #~# Whoa-ho-ho, gamers, looks like the deal of the year has been staring us in the face all along! After getting off the phone with a representative at DuPont, it turns out that 9.8 pounds of silicon and plastic is way more affordable than we assumed, meaning you can own the quantity of materials that make up an Xbox Series X for a mere $8.27!
How To Cook A Perfect Thanksgiving Turkey #~# First, plug it into your USB port and download the necessary drivers.
Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit #~# Hear why Monsanto authorities are still struggling to apprehend the tomato due to it’s unusual size and strength.
Pope Francis’ Instagram Likes Photo Of Bikini Model #~# The Vatican is launching an investigation after Pope Francis’s Instagram account, which is managed by a team of people, liked a photo of Brazilian model Natalia Garibotto. What do you think?
Area Dad Knew That Play Would Never Work #~# NEW KENSINGTON, PA—Groaning and pounding his fists on the side of the couch as running back James Conner was tackled for a short two-yard gain, area dad Joseph Mitchem announced during Sunday’s Steelers game that he knew that play would never work. “Jesus Christ, how stupid can you be. They run this fuckin’ play a hundred times a game!” said Mitchem, who claimed that you could see the second the screen pass left Ben Roethlisberger’s hand that the play was going nowhere, and that any idiot could call a better play. “I could see that call coming a mile away and so could the defense. This is a classic Steelers bullshit 2nd down call. When you’ve got [JuJu Smith-] Shuster out there you should be calling a damn pass every 2nd and long.” At press time Mitchem was admonishing a failed slant pass call on a 2nd and 9 and claiming the Steelers should be “running the damn ball more.”
Buzzfeed To Acquire HuffPost #~# Buzzfeed announced plans Thursday to buy news and commentary website HuffPost from Verizon Media, which will become a minority shareholder of the company. What do you think?
Nation Can’t Believe They Spent So Long Overlooking Obvious Solution Of mRNA Instructions For Spike Protein Encapsulated In Lipid Nanoparticle #~# NEW YORK—Shaking their heads in amazement at their failure to see what  had been staring them in the face during the entire pandemic, the nation  expressed disbelief Friday that they had spent so long overlooking the  obvious solution of encapsulating the mRNA instructions for a  coronavirus-based spike protein in a lipid nanoparticle. “It’s so  obvious in retrospect: You create a mutated form of the spike protein  for SARS-CoV-2, swap in a couple proline substitutions to trigger an  immune system reaction, wrap that up in a few-nanometer-thick lipid  delivery mechanism, and suddenly—wham—you’ve got an effective  coronavirus vaccine,” said local bartender Sophie Litzman, one of 323  million citizens who slapped themselves in the forehead at their own  total idiocy for not immediately shouting out “use a solid lipid core  matrix to deliver a messenger RNA-based payload that teaches cells to  churn out modified proteins to prepare the immune system for viral  contact!” the moment they saw news of the novel coronavirus’s spread.  “Obviously, hindsight is 20/20, but I was really just keeping  quiet because I thought ‘stimulating immunogenicity through  intramuscular injections of a strong RBD-binding IgG with robust CD4+  and CD8+ T cell responses’ was on the tip of everyone else’s tongue.  God, it’s just glaringly obvious now. Stupid, stupid, stupid!” At press  time, the nation had agreed that this was really a teaching moment that  the simplest solution is often the right one.
FDA Delays Emergency Vaccine Approval Until They Finish Evaluating New Bagged Salad Kit #~# WASHINGTON—Clarifying that the federal agency would take a look at Pfizer’s submission eventually, the FDA announced Friday that it would delay the emergency coronavirus vaccine approval until they were finished evaluating a bagged salad kit. “We understand how important it is to get this vaccine to Americans as soon as possible, but we’re right in the middle of examining the ingredients of this Southwest chopped salad kit,” said FDA commissioner Stephen Hahn, noting that he thought it was even a little presumptuous for the pharmaceutical corporation to assume it could just jump the line over an equally important evaluation that would make sure American consumers were in fact getting the tangy chipotle ranch dressing, iceberg lettuce, savory tortilla strips, and zesty blend of Tex-Mex flavors that were labeled on the bag. “We’re only asking Pfizer to exercise a little patience while we determine that this chopped salad does indeed deliver the delicious spirit of the Southwest and contains no artificial ingredients or preservatives. After all, this salad has been in the FDA pipeline for two years. If we were to put off this study and turn our attention to the vaccine, we’d be putting millions of Americans’ healthy, quick to-go meal options at stake.” At press time, the FDA announced it would have to further delay the coronavirus vaccine approval after the agency received a top-priority request to review a new experimental Lunchables pack for emergency-use authorization.
The Worst Sports Teams Of All Time #~# From Tom Brady’s ageless pursuit of NFL dominance to the crisp, thrilling perfection of the showtime Lakers, professional sports can be a showcase for amazing talent, dedication, and human achievement. Or it can  be a showcase for the New York Jets. Here is Onion Sports’ list of the worst professional sports teams of all time.
Report: You Were Lonely Before The Pandemic Started, And You’ll Be Lonely After It Ends #~# DENVER—According to a thorough analysis of your inability to form meaningful human connections, a report released Friday found that you were lonely before the pandemic started, and you’ll be lonely after it ends. “An overwhelming amount of evidence indicates that while being surrounded by others wasn’t enough to mollify the deep sense of alienation you felt before the pandemic, there is no reason to believe things will be any different after this crisis is over,” read the report in part, explaining that the pandemic merely intensified your existing isolation as opposed to causing your rejection from society. “Crucially, these findings did not hold true for other individuals. This is reaffirmed by the fact that during the pandemic, your situation has been comparatively much more pathetic than any other person on the planet. So while others can expect to regain a sense of belonging once the pandemic is resolved, you will remain alone.” The report concluded that you would carry this sadness with you forever because you are fundamentally unlikable and incapable of being close to people.
Man On Zoom Date Unsure If He Expected To Pay Internet Bill #~# WENHAM, MA—Expressing confusion as to the correct etiquette for the new situation, Zach Kartman, a local man on a video date, was reportedly unsure Friday if he was supposed to be the one to pay the internet bill. “I don’t really know what the expectation is here,” said a slightly flustered Kartman, telling reporters that while suggesting they go Dutch was the simplest solution, he feared it could come across as a little tacky. “Financial stuff is always so tricky early on in relationships—if I offer to foot the bill, it might come across as charmingly old-fashioned, but on the other hand, she might view it as sort of chauvinistic or that there’s some sort of expectation of cybersex.” At press time, Kartman had resolved that he would offer to pay and just hope his date didn’t order an expensive 5G Ultra Wideband Wi-Fi package.
Cloaked Man On White Steed Sick Of People Asking Him For Tidings From The North #~# THE COLD LANDS—Saying he didn’t know what it was about his cloak and white steed that drew them to him, local traveler Cosmus of Bonvia confirmed Friday that he was sick of people asking him for tidings from the north. “What, a man can’t journey through Forgotten Pass anymore without being stopped at every juncture by some whiny swordsman?” said Cosmus, who explained he was just about ready to ride off trail into Sorrow’s Bog if that meant the constant barrage of adventurers pestering him for signs of the Great Battalion would stop. “It’s always ‘hark this, hark that.’ I’ve never even been to the Northern Reaches; I’m from Bonvia, and they would know that if they even bothered to ask my name before launching into their empty-headed spiel. I’m just trying to ride around on my horse. I don’t know jack shit.” At press time, Bonvia added that now that he thought of it he had sensed a dark unrest, but it was probably too late to say something now.
The Coronavirus Vaccine’s Path To Availability #~# Recent announcements of relatively successful coronavirus vaccine trials have stoked optimism about their widespread distribution, but there are more hurdles to clear before that becomes a reality. The Onion looks at a coronavirus vaccine’s path to availability.
Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire #~# Hear why if you come for the crown of Hormel CEO Jim Snee, King of Chili, you best not miss.
40% Of Americans Plan To Attend Large Thanksgiving Celebrations #~# Despite the pandemic, a survey by The Ohio State University finds that 40% of Americans intend to celebrate Thanksgiving with groups of 10 or more people and that a third of respondents will not ask guests to wear masks. What do you think?
‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack #~# WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Informing the judge that he had definitive proof of voter fraud against Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani  reportedly announced Thursday in court “Your honor, I’m ready to present” as he pulled a rotted melon and a stray cat out of an old burlap sack. “Give me a second and I’ll show you hard evidence that there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of mail-ballot irregularities, it’s somewhere in here under all these pizzas and teeth,” said the president’s lawyer, rummaging through a large, stained canvas bag, discarding multiple grease-coated catalogs, dozens of half-eaten chicken tenders, and a mason jar containing a murky brown liquid, then holding up what he believed to be damning reports that turned out to be a soaking-wet tarp. “Hang on, your honor. As you’ll soon see, there are all kinds of testimonies and other documents proving definitively that officials knowingly engaged in—no, not this, how did this bath towel get in here? Whose bath towel is this? Objection! Now listen, judge your honor, it’s as clear as the evidence that I’ve written on the back of these cheeseburger wrappers, which if the ketchup writing wasn’t so smeared would clearly evidence fraud to the jury. No matter, though, because I’m smart and I made careful backup ketchup copies of the fraud on some gloves, which are legally admissible in court, as soon as I find them. Just a moment. Now where are my potato peels? Sirs of the jury, I submit here for legal questioning and subsequent arrest and execution whichever culprit took my potato peels. I have probable cause! Those are top-secret pieces of information that have client-attorney permission. Do not look at the potato peels! If the potato peels have been stolen, well that’s witness tampering right there, which means that Trump’s case is automatically won on the grounds of appellate dismissal. That’s all very legal. But first I submit these hockey pucks, and if you ignore the bite marks, it’s unmistakable that they—wait, excuse me, these are the wrong hockey pucks. Objection! The election is a fraud and I have the plastic bags of wet leaves to prove it!” At press time, Giuliani had confidently stated “No further questions, I rest my case” and sat chewing the melon rinds, spitting the seeds onto the prosecution’s table.
‘People’ Names Michael B. Jordan Sexiest Man Alive #~# Actor Michael B. Jordan has been named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2020, a title the Black Panther star called “a good club to be a part of.” What do you think?
Winners And Losers Of The 2020 NBA Draft #~# Taking place amid the uncertainty of Covid-shortened seasons and a flurry of high-profile trades, the 2020 NBA draft will have huge implications for which GMs get fired in two years. Here are Onion Sports’ winners and losers of last night’s draft.
Gavin Newsom Slammed For Eating At The French Laundry When Atelier Crenn Clearly Superior Take On Contemporary Cuisine #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Following reports that he patronized the three-Michelin-star restaurant with a group of at least a dozen people, Gov. Gavin Newsom of California was widely criticized Thursday for eating at The French Laundry when Atelier Crenn offers a clearly superior take on contemporary cuisine. “It’s absolutely unthinkable that the governor would attend a gathering at an establishment that peaked 15 years ago when he and top lobbyists could have dined at Chef Dominique Crenn’s strikingly inventive restaurant instead,” said Bay Area resident Ian Samuels, blasting Newsom for how out of touch he appeared to be with the modern gastronomic landscape. “How can we trust this man to lead us when his taste in restaurants is so pedestrian? It’s upsetting to see him violate the fine-dining standards being scrupulously followed by millions of Californians—and for a completely prosaic and uninspired interpretation of Nova Scotia lobster galette, no less.” At press time, Newsom had issued a scathing review of The French Laundry in response to criticism.
New California Law Reclassifies Outdoor Dining As Any Restaurant Located Outside #~# SACRAMENTO—In an effort to clear up any confusion regarding California’s current Covid-19 restrictions, Governor Gavin Newsom signed a law Thursday reclassifying outdoor dining as any restaurant that is located outside. “As of today, any dining establishment whose four exterior walls are exposed to open air and whose front door can be accessed from the outside is considered outdoor dining,” said the governor, adding that the revolutionary new law would allow millions of restaurants to safely open across the state, so long as said restaurants were not located inside another building. “Due to California’s recent coronavirus spike, outdoor patios, updated ventilation systems, and sidewalk service are all of course still encouraged. But remember, it’s perfectly legal to open a restaurant if the tables, chairs, kitchen, and bar area are all inside, so long as that restaurant itself is outside.” At press time, Newsom drew criticism after adding exceptions for restaurants located within other restaurants to open so long as diners were socially distanced and under capacity.
Omarion Figures He No Longer Famous Enough To Have To Leave Huge Tip #~# LOS ANGELES—After thanking his restaurant server as she dropped off the check, actor and recording artist Omarion reportedly figured Thursday that his level of fame had diminished to the point where it was no longer necessary to leave a huge tip everywhere he went out. “These days, I think it’s fine for me to tip a healthy 25%,” said the 36-year-old lead singer of the boy band B2K, adding that while he wouldn’t have thought twice about leaving several $100 bills as a tip in the early aughts, there was no longer a need to go overboard. “If it were 2003 and “Bump, Bump, Bump” was topping the charts, that would be another story, sure, but it’s not like Us Weekly is waiting outside anymore. This waitress is too young to have seen You Got Served when it came out, and even if she watched Fat Albert as a kid, she may not remember who I am. At this point, if I tipped 1,000% or left behind the keys to my Lamborghini, it might just be kind of weird. Besides, the last thing I want is to have to do another reunion tour because money’s getting tight.” At press time, the server was overheard asking her fellow employees if the guy who had just left was Nick Cannon.
Desperate NBA Prospects Crowd Around List Taped To ESPN Bulletin Board To See Who Got Drafted #~# BROOKLYN—Frantically scanning the list to find their names, the 2020 NBA draft prospects desperately crowded around a bulletin board Thursday morning to see who got  drafted where. “Aww man, I got the Cavs? I wanted the Warriors so bad. My life is over,” said Auburn forward Isaac Okoro, who slinked away as James Wiseman screamed and started jumping and hugging everyone around him after seeing he landed the coveted Golden State role. “I think I would have been a great fit for Minnesota, too, and instead they pick Anthony [Edwards]? Even after they took me out for coffee and said I had real talent? I swear it’s all just playing favorites. LaMelo [Ball] only got picked by the Hornets because his dad complained. This is stupid, everything is stupid.” At press time, an angry, teary Obi Toppin was telling all his friends that he is never going out for basketball again.
Sex Offender Registry To Start Listing Some Of Pedophile’s Positive Qualities Too #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the changes would help provide a more balanced understanding of each individual’s character, the National Sex Offender Registry confirmed Wednesday that they would start listing some of each pedophile’s positive qualities, too. “It’s only fair that we even out some of the stuff about their sex crimes towards minors with a few bullet points about, say, how they’re handy around the house or great listeners,” said program Director Kendel Ehrlich, stressing that while the registry would always offer listings of every past offender’s location and sexual offenses involving children, it was important to remember that all human beings are three-dimensional through details such as a particular pedophile’s passion for cooking Italian cuisine or the music of REM. “This guy, for example, is named Glen Prichard. He lives in Indianapolis and he owned a large cache of child pornography. On the other hand, it turns out he’s a pretty good dad, if you discount that whole incident, and he has three brothers who really loved him until this all came out. Really, we’re just trying to add some nuance to a registry that used to seem a little too black and white.” Ehrlich added that the new protocols would also encourage pederasts to go around their neighborhood and say one positive thing about themselves before diving into their prior crimes.
Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years #~# Hear what has led 55-year-old Kansas City resident Jonathan Huston to not reading, seeing, or hearing a single verifiable fact since 2014.
New Orleans Bans Mardi Gras Parades For 2021 #~# New Orleans mayor LaToya Cantrell confirmed that Mardi Gras parades will be prohibited next year due to the coronavirus pandemic, but added that city officials are asking the public to submit ideas for ways to celebrate the holiday safely. What do you think?
Report: 78% Of NBA Prospects Found After Scout’s Car Breaks Down Near Barn Where Kid Shooting On Netless Hoop #~# BLUE MOUNTAIN, MS—Confirming decades of the speculation about talent development, the NBA released a new report Wednesday revealing that 78% of draft prospects were discovered after a scout’s car breaks down near the barn where a kid is shooting on a netless hoop. “According to our data, the vast majority of prospects are found by scouts who wandered down a dirt road away from their smoking car, only to stumble on a farm’s driveway,” read the report, explaining that countless NBA stars were discovered when the scout paused in astonishment to watch a kid dunk over and over on a crate hoop tied to an old telephone poll. “Most scouting reports are nothing but the phrases ‘Check this out’ and ‘Wait, this kid’s only 11?’ muttered into a phone as the scout wipes dust from their eyes while the self-taught farm boy nails three after three. For years now, over 70% of NBA draft first-rounders have been evaluated solely off word of mouth from these hundreds of encounters.” The report added that if these prospects are juking around broken-down tractor parts while listening to a poorly produced mixtape, they are immediately offered NBA max contracts. 
Man Not Sure If He’s Tying Condom Correctly #~# TULSA, OK—Struggling to put on the latex contraceptive, local man Kyle Levine confirmed after several attempts Wednesday that he was not sure whether he was tying his condom correctly. “Okay, so it’s over, under, up, and—wait, that’s not right,” said Levine, complaining that no matter how carefully he followed the step-by-step tutorials on YouTube, his lubricated prophylactic device came out a tangled, knotted mess that looked nothing like the ones in the videos. “How did Dad say to do this again? Because there’s no way it’s supposed to have this many loops. Maybe I can just tuck the ends in and no one will notice? Dammit, I knew I should have left it tied and slid it off the way I had it during my last job interview.” At press time, sources confirmed that a resigned Levine had opted to just buy a clip-on condom.
Dolly Parton Donation Helps Fund Coronavirus Vaccine #~# It was revealed this week that a $1 million donation Dolly Parton made in April to research a cure for Covid-19 helped fund Moderna’s coronavirus vaccine, which preliminary data shows may be up to 94.5% effective. What do you think?
Terrified Woman Begs Murderer Not To Decrease Property Values In The Neighborhood #~# FOX RIVER GROVE, IL—Cowering before the home intruder on her hands and knees, local woman Cori Olson reportedly begged a murderer Wednesday not to decrease the property values in the neighborhood. “Please, you don’t have to do this, please—think of the homeowner’s association!” said Olson, weeping into her hands as she implored the killer to consider the 3 to 5% drop in resale value a homicide could cause. “Please, just put down the knife and think about the crime statistics! I’m begging you, stop, I’m a mother! Do you want my children to have to try to unload this place? You don’t have to do this here, you could put me in the trunk and kill me a mile west in Shannon Creek where no one gives a shit. What do you want, is it cash? You can have cash. You can have anything. Wait, no, not that, that’s an original Tiffany lamp. Please, put that down!” At press time, Olson was pleading with the murderer to at least cover the hardwood floors before he killed her. 
Light Therapy Lamp Opts To Burn Down House Rather Than Face Depressed Man Yet Again #~# NASHUA, NH—Unable to stand another encounter with such a dreary and miserable person, a local light therapy lamp reportedly opted to burn down the house Wednesday rather than have to face the depressed man it was supposed to be cheering up yet again. “After weeks and weeks of this total sad sack just staring straight at me for 45 minutes every day without any results, I just can’t take this shit anymore,” said the Circadian Optics Light Therapy Lamp, toppling over onto a pile of rags in a desperate effort to avoid another session in the presence of such a glum loser. “It’s only November and the thought of spending another three months with this guy just sitting there, waiting for me to turn his mood around is just too much to bear. He’s putting all this pressure on me to fix him, and I’m not a licensed therapist or anything—I’m just a lamp, for Christ’s sake. This is way too big a burden.” At press time, the rapidly overheating lamp comforted itself with the thought that losing his home and all his possessions might be just the shot in the arm the depressed man needed to turn things around. 
Highlights Of Obama’s New Memoir #~# A Promised Land, Barack Obama’s new memoir about his presidency, was released Tuesday. The Onion looks at the biggest highlights and revelations from the book.
Biden Insists Lack Of Cooperation From Trump Administration Won’t Interfere With 4 Years Of Total Political Inaction #~# WILMINGTON, DE—Assuring supporters that the transition process would continue apace regardless of the White House’s decision making, President-Elect Joe Biden insisted Wednesday that a lack of cooperation from the Trump administration would not interfere with the upcoming four years of total political inaction. “Folks, regardless of whether the president accepts the results today or never, we are working around the clock to ensure that on day one, this team can hit the ground running  smack into a wall of partisan gridlock while contributing absolutely nothing of lasting value to the country,” said Biden in a press conference in which he revealed he had been working with a group of the country’s foremost experts on doing jack shit to help him guarantee he’ll be able to putter around the West Wing for four years while fielding questions about how congressional intransigence had ground his agenda to a complete and utter halt. “We hoped that Donald Trump would help us in this transition, but let me stress that I’m receiving outside briefings daily that will make sure  I enter the Oval Office prepared to sit on my ass, twiddle my thumbs, and pretend to get something done for our photographer. Nothing—let me repeat, nothing—will stop that.” Biden also announced plans to reach out to Republicans across the aisle to ensure that a robust package of fuck-nothing was passed within his first hundred days.
Nurse Hoping That Extra-Comfy ICU Bed Free When She's Admitted As Patient In 2 Weeks #~# DES MOINES—Calling it the “ideal spot” to get intubated for a prolonged period of time, nurse Tamara King told reporters Wednesday that she’d hoped the extra-comfy ICU bed was free when she was admitted as a patient in two weeks. “Obviously it’s not ideal, but when I do get sick, that remote-controlled MedlinePlus has yours truly’s name on it,” said King, adding that she had already called dibs on the bed back in March and was carefully monitoring patients to make sure it was empty by the time an ambulance brought her in. “Look, I’m not saying it’s perfect or anything, but the room has a tiny window, a little private TV, and it’s near the nurses’ station so when I start to code, someone can come and save me. Plus only, like, 10 people have died in it, so it’s still pretty fresh.” King added that if things really went south, she hoped the ultra-spacious mobile morgue behind the hospital had room for her.
Covid Denier Struggling To Protest State’s Incoherent, Constantly Changing Coronavirus Policies #~# EAU CLAIRE, WI—Growing frustrated as she tried to figure out what the latest round of bullshit tyrannical restrictions meant for her, local Covid denier Grace Paquin reportedly admitted Wednesday that she was struggling to effectively protest her state’s incoherent and constantly changing coronavirus policies. “It’s just hard to pinpoint one thing to object to when it seems like our officials are changing the rules for the Wuhan hoax virus every single goddamn week,” said Paquin, adding that she and some friends were going to protest the complete closure of restaurants at the state capitol before finding out that they had been reopened for several days. “It’s annoying, you make all these signs that demand an end to our governor’s despotism and attacks on our liberty, but then it turns out the gyms are open again, and you have to throw out a whole batch of signs. I can barely keep track of what I’m supposed to yell at the grocery store cashier—I know they’re taking away some of my freedoms, but they keep changing which ones. Obviously the science around this whole thing is a crock, but they can’t even seem to settle on which things they’re actually going to pretend cause coronavirus. First they said no masks, then masks, then inside was okay, then inside was bad again, then we could see people, then we couldn’t—I wish they would make up their goddamn minds so we knew what in the hell we were denying.” At press time, the local Covid denier was deleting the draft of a long screed criticizing the government for giving away another round of free stimulus handouts after realizing that the government would never do it.
New Study Reveals Majority Of Memory Lapses Brought On By Visiting Government Black Site #~# If you’re feeling a little more forgetful nowadays, you’re not alone. Hear why it could be linked to being blindfolded, thrown into the back of an unmarked van, and taken to a covert CIA bunker for several days at a time.
Alaska Airlines Jetliner Strikes Brown Bear During Landing #~# A Boeing 737 struck a brown bear while landing in southeast Alaska on Saturday, damaging the plane and killing the bear. What do you think?
‘Giannis To Hawks!’ Says Atlanta Fan Citing Twitter Account That Mostly Retweets Porn #~# ALLENDALE HEIGHTS, GA—Retweeting the account with 47 followers as definitive proof his team had acquired the all-star power forward, local Atlanta fan Jalen Greene posted “Giannis to Hawks!” Tuesday while citing a user that mostly retweets porn. “We’re gonna have Giannis down low, and we didn’t even have to give up Trae Young!” posted Greene, who excitedly added his commentary above a single tweet from an account whose previous 15 posts had been direct replies to porn stars and whose photo is just a close-up of an ass in a string thong. “Sucks that we had to give up a pair of second rounders, but probably worth the risk. This is huge. It looks like we got Harden too! With this roster, Hawks are gonna be champions for sure.” At press time, Greene had taken advantage of another tweet from the same account and signed up for 25% off Sinful_Delicious6969’s OnlyFans.
Harry Styles Becomes First Man To Appear Solo On ‘Vogue’ Cover #~# English musician Harry Styles has become the first male to star alone on the cover of Vogue in the magazine’s December 2020 issue. What do you think?
GOP Leaders Begin Search For Prissy, Miserable Shithead Who Can Compete With Trump In 2024 #~# WASHINGTON—Casting an eye towards the next presidential election, Republican party leaders had reportedly begun a search Tuesday for a new prissy little shithead who would be able to compete against Trump in 2024. “We’ve obviously had a wonderful relationship with President Trump, but we feel our interests may best be served by a different whining, prim fuckface to lead the party forward,” said RNC chair Ronna McDaniel, confirming that the GOP would be looking at figures from politics, media, and law enforcement in an effort to find a candidate with the right mix of froufrou aesthetics and raging assholishness to build on and expand Trump’s base. “We expect this to be an exhaustive process, as the most obvious prissy little shitheads such as Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio have not caught on with the American public as we had hoped, though fortunately, we have thousands of effete fuckwads who are clamoring for the position. Whoever we finally select, voters can rest assured it will be a little fancy man absolutely ravaged by insecurity and self-loathing.” At press time, McDaniel added that if they could not find such a person, equipping Donald Trump with a different messaging strategy could make him a great candidate for 2024. 
Hazardous Waste Facility Stuffs Batteries In Drawer Until They Figure Out What To Do With Them #~# WOODBRIDGE, CT—Deciding to put off making a final decision on how to safely dispose of the materials, a local hazardous waste facility reportedly stuffed all their batteries in the drawer Tuesday until they can figure out what to do with them. “Obviously we can’t just throw batteries in the trash with the other stuff, and we’re definitely going to dispose of them in the right way, but ultimately we’re going to deal with that later,” said Woodbridge Transfer Station head Jeremy McWorth, adding that another complication was all those small batteries that are in electronic devices, which facility officials were putting  in a separate drawer in case the disposal mode was different. “We’ve got a huge drawer full of tens of thousands of used AA and AAA batteries that people keep bringing to us, and they clearly need to go somewhere. We tried to just take them over to the recycling center to let them help us dispose of them, but they said no, so back in the drawer they went. In the meantime, it seems fine if they’re just in the drawer.” Officials at the hazardous waste facility told reporters they were hoping to avoid a repeat of a previous incident when they got in a bunch of trouble for pouring all the polyurethane down the sink.
Mom Completely Understands That Coming To Thanksgiving Is Risky And That You Don’t Love Her Anymore #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Acknowledging that she had seen all the warnings about holiday travel on the news, local mom Mary Simpson announced Tuesday that she completely understood that coming to Thanksgiving would be risky for all involved and that you didn’t love her anymore. “No, no, don’t apologize, honey—if it isn’t safe and you don’t care enough about me to make the trip, you should probably just stay home this year,” Simpson said in between audibly heavy sighs, adding that if anyone understood it was her, what with her migraines and your father’s bad knee making their last trip to visit you so difficult, though they obviously wouldn’t have missed it for the world. “I’m quite aware of the public health situation, so there’s no need to explain why you think it might be too tricky to navigate travel when you clearly have a life of your own with no room in it for a boring old lady like me. After all, we’re living in difficult times, and I’m sure the last thing you want to do right now is come see the person who gave you life and loves you more than anything in the world. I’ll just be here in this big, quiet house with your dad and no one else, if you’re saying that’s the safest way to celebrate.” Simpson went on to remark that she might as well not bother cooking a Thanksgiving meal this year, seeing as there would be far too many leftovers to deal with if you weren’t coming.
Dustin Johnson Wins Masters Tournament #~# The top-ranked golfer in the world Dustin Johnson won the 2020 Masters on Sunday, breaking the previous record of 18-under par previously held by Tiger Woods and Jordan Spieth by two strokes. What do you think?
Governors Call On Gretchen Whitmer To Shut Down Their States So Residents Won’t Get Mad At Them #~# LANSING, MI—In an effort to take decisive action against the rapid spread of the coronavirus, governors across the country called on Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer this week to shut down their states this week so their residents won’t get mad at them. “It is long overdue that we buckle down and urge Gretchen to really do us a solid and tell our constituents that she would be instituting an across-the-board shutdown because, frankly, we’re scared of what they might do to us,” said Arizona governor Doug Ducey, echoing the statements from dozens of public officials across the political spectrum who urged Whitmer to stop tiptoeing around the issue and simply face the wrath of residents of Alaska, Idaho, Minnesota, and many more states after she advised them to avoid large gatherings and shelter in place for the foreseeable future. “We need to see real leadership from Governor Whitmer: She must tell our constituents in no uncertain terms that she will be restricting their liberties in order to fight this deadly virus and that we, their governors, had no part in making these decisions, so they should direct any of their hatred or violence toward the Michigan governor’s mansion. It’s just common sense. Besides, most of these people already hate her, so what’s there to worry about?” The governors also stressed that it would also really help them out if she told their state’s protesters and police departments to chill out, too.
Private Eye Struggling To Meet Women Who Aren’t Suspect In Late Husband’s Murder #~# LOS ANGELES—Peering through the blinds into the glow of a nearby streetlight, local private eye Cliff Hardy confirmed Tuesday that it was hard for him to meet women who weren’t suspects in the murders of their own husbands, the mysterious circumstances of which he happened to be investigating at their behest. “I’d like to be in a relationship, but the only girls I ever meet are the ones who walk into my office—I look up and they’re just there, slowly pulling their gloves off, telling me some sob story about their dead husbands,” Hardy said from beneath a tan fedora, recalling the dozen or so women he’d met most recently, all of whom were wealthy dowagers primed to inherit their husbands’ multimillion-dollar oil empires, former Hollywood starlets next in line to run their husbands’ blockbuster movie studios, or femme fatales who married and then destroyed men just for the sport of it. “I need to find a way to meet women who don’t want to hire me to investigate the very murders they themselves turn out to be guilty of. It’s hard, because they give me these signals like they’re really into me, often sitting suggestively on my desk and flashing me a bit of thigh or taking a seductive drag off my cigarette. But then the next thing I know they’ve got a pistol pointed at me. What gives? Just once I’d like to meet a dame done up head-to-toe in a ravishing evening gown who isn’t trying to pin the disappearance of her rich husband on me! Maybe it’s time I got out of this town.” At press time, reports confirmed Hardy had struck out again after he agreed to have a drink with a woman, his vision started swirling, and he woke up to find he had been committed to a local mental institution.
NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon #~# Hear why a natural, mutual chemistry finally led the two intergalactic lovebirds to making it official.
U.S. Sees Record High Covid-19 Hospitalizations #~# According to the Covid Tracking Project, there were 69,455 people hospitalized with Covid-19 in the U.S. on Saturday, shattering the previous record of 59,940 set in April as coronavirus cases continue to skyrocket. What do you think?
Review: The PS5 Is A Game-Changing Next-Gen Console That Santa Just Can’t Afford Right Now, Okay, Sport? #~# Anticipation has been off the charts for the latest iteration of the PlayStation, and now that the system has finally hit shelves, it’s clear that Sony has delivered in a major way. Soaring ahead of its competition, the PS5 is a game-changing next-generation console that Santa just can’t afford right now, okay, Sport?
Boyfriend Announces Kneecap Apparently Worst Place To Get Shot #~# CLEVELAND—Claiming to have received the information from “seriously legit” sources, local boyfriend Eric Armour announced Monday that the kneecap was apparently the worst part of the human body in which to get shot. “Obviously, taking a bullet to the head or the chest is more lethal, but if you’re talking about the most painful place get shot, I’ve heard that’s the kneecap,” Armour said out of absolutely nowhere, adding that it was his understanding the tremendous pain resulted from there being “a bunch of nerves and shit” in the knee. “It sounds crazy at first, but when you think about it, getting shot in the knee could cause the entire kneecap to explode into a bunch of bone fragments that go up into your tendons and everywhere. Can you imagine what that would feel like? This guy I knew in college told me his cousin accidentally shot himself in the kneecap and it hurt like a motherfucker. And I guess the worst part is there’s no surgery that can fix it. That must really suck.” At press time, sources confirmed Armour had followed up with a claim that his jaw had enough bite force to take off a human finger easy.
No Amount Of Training Could Have Prepared Cat For First Experience Seeing Mouse In Real Life #~# SARASOTA, FL—Expressing his shock at having been taken completely off guard, local cat Muffins acknowledged Monday that no amount of training could have prepared him for his first experience encountering a mouse in real life. “Man, I’ve spent hours and hours simulating a confrontation with a mouse, but when the real moment comes, all that practice goes right out the window,” said the two-year-old American shorthair, confirming that his daily regimen of pouncing, scratching, and running in circles around his apartment had done virtually nothing to help equip him for the sensation of coming face-to-face with a genuine rodent. “I’ll admit I used to be pretty cocky. I’ve destroyed so many balls with feathers on them that I can practically do it in my sleep. One time I even fought a moth to a draw, so I always figured if I ever saw a mouse I’d make quick work of it, but it’s not like that in the real world. Instinct takes over, and it doesn’t matter how sharp your claws are, that’s the moment when you find out if you’ve got what it takes, and let me tell you what—real mice don’t have catnip inside them, buddy, you can bet on that.” Muffins added that since he was now a killer, he didn’t know if he’d be able to return to living in a pretend fantasy world.
Man Who Laid It On Thick About Quitting Job Not Such Hot Shit During Pandemic #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Noting the 37-year-old marketing professional was no longer so high and mighty, sources confirmed Monday that local man Andrew Martin, who laid it on really damn thick about quitting his job earlier this year, was not such hot shit during the pandemic. “Months and months of talk about how this place is going nowhere, but then Covid hits and boom—it’s suddenly not the time for the next chapter after all, huh?” said coworker Vanessa Bannerman, who noted she hadn’t heard so much as a peep from the man about moving on to greener pastures since February. “I guess he changed his mind about finding somewhere better where he could grow and thrive. Guess this organization isn’t so incompetent anymore, is it? It looks like you’re back in the dregs with the rest of us, pal. What a convenient time to find out you’re no longer stagnating.” At press time, Martin’s entire department had been laid off.
Experts Confirm Virus Stockpile Large Enough To Prevent Any Covid Shortages This Winter #~# WASHINGTON—Rushing to assure the country’s populace ahead of the holiday season, experts confirmed Monday that the nation’s virus stockpiles were large enough to prevent any Covid-19 shortages this winter. “Let me be perfectly clear: We have a nearly inexhaustible supply of the virus on hand that will easily last through March, if not much longer,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, telling reporters that the pathogen would first be rolled out to healthcare workers and vulnerable populations this winter but would ultimately be distributed to every American citizen. “We’ve used the months since cases first began spiking in March to accumulate as much of the virus as possible, so fortunately at this point there’s essentially zero risk that we’ll run out.” Redfield added that all Americans could do their part by continuing to go out and socialize with complete impunity. 
Ah, Shoot: We Forgot To Drain Our Xbox Over The Weekend And Now All The Game Fluid Leaked Out #~# Well, dang it. We’re feeling pretty annoyed right now because we just walked into the OGN offices after taking the weekend off and we were met with a nasty surprise: We forgot to drain our new Xbox Series X over the weekend, and now all the game fluid leaked out.
Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night #~# Hear how the dramatic increase in grassroots fundraising could help spread the Aryan Brotherhood’s message of racial purity nationwide.
Ring Recalls 350,000 Doorbells After Several Catch Fire #~# Amazon-subsidiary Ring is recalling 350,000 2nd-generation smart doorbells following reports that at least 23 have caught fire due to overheating batteries. What do you think?
Parents Cheer As 8-Year-Old Son Chokes Out Opponent In UFC Jr. League Match #~# LAS VEGAS—Standing up and shouting at the referee as his opponent landed an illegal knee from half guard, Mitch and Ashley Felden cheered on their 8-year-old son, Tanner, Saturday as he secured a submission victory in his UFC Jr. League match. “It’s great for a kid’s confidence when they learn how to roundhouse kick an opponent,” said Felden of his son, revealing that he had bet part of the child’s college fund on the fight. “MMA has really taught him resilience—he didn’t even cry while getting his face stitched up last time. We enrolled him in combat sports at 6, which is actually a pretty late start these days. He’s taken to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, but a lot of kids switch to wrestling once they get to high school. We’re happy either way, as long as he’s pummeling people.” At press time, UFC suspended Tanner for seven months after he climbed over the octagon cage and attacked his opponent’s trainer. 
What Trump Hopes To Accomplish Before Leaving The White House #~# On January 20, 2021, Donald Trump will leave office at the end of his presidential term, coup permitting. Here’s what President Trump hopes to accomplish over his final two months in office.
Pence Creates Exploratory Committee To Find More Charismatic Candidate To Attach Self To In 2024 #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming  the vice president was already “testing the waters,” Beltway insiders reported Friday that Mike Pence had created an exploratory committee to find another candidate more charismatic than himself whom he could serve as running mate in 2024. “Mike Pence hopes to win office in four years by joining the ticket of someone who actually displays a discernible personality of some kind,” said exploratory committee co-chair James Conroy, adding that he had  begun surveying potential candidates who possessed any degree of personal magnetism—any at all—and thus might propel Pence back to the vice presidency. “Right now, we’re poring over the data to ensure the vice president makes a good decision about whose coattails he should ride going forward. As in 2016, there won’t be any litmus test based on ideology or character, so long as Mr. Pence is able to hold a prestigious position while doing little more than remaining silent and nodding from time to time. He doesn’t even care if it’s a Republican or a Democrat. He might have some trouble if it were a woman, but at the end of the day, he’s a seasoned VP ready to be unswervingly loyal to anyone who can win the White House.” At press time, Conroy stated that within 24 hours of its formation, the exploratory committee had successfully identified over 320 million Americans with more charisma than Mike Pence.
Global Measles Cases Reach 23-Year High #~# A report from the World Health Organization finds there were 869,770 measles cases worldwide last year and that declining vaccination rates along with the pandemic could lead to a further increase in outbreaks. What do you think?
Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals #~# CHICAGO—As the city grappled with measures that would adequately address the infectious disease’s unchecked spread, rising coronavirus cases forced Chicago this week to set up temporary bars in hospitals. “With more Chicagoans testing positive and requiring medical care, we have no choice but to fight this thing by adding more bars and restaurants to the city’s medical facilities, including emergency tents for crowded eateries and transforming wards normally used for surgery patients into makeshift taverns,” said Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot, adding that if the number of hospital admissions continued to rise, the city would be forced to put nurses who had tested positive for coronavirus but were asymptomatic back to work taking drink orders. “Of course, we’ll encourage all of our in-hospital cafes, dive bars, and barbecue joints to comply with local mask orders, including having patrons wear your mask when your server is delivering appetizers to your bedside or on any trips to the bathroom that pass by the intensive-care unit. We will also close them at 11 p.m. every night to ensure we don’t spread coronavirus any more than we have to. During this troubling time, we’re doing everything we can, so we also ask everyone to remain calm. This is an emergency situation, and we may run out of critical supplies like tequila and limes.” Lightfoot added that if the coronavirus spread could not be contained, Chicago officials would be forced to turn some of the city’s parks and beaches into pop-up hospital bars. 
Fans Concerned After Oprah’s Favorite Things List Just 6-Pack Of Miller Lite #~# CHICAGO—Revealing their sincere worries about the iconic talk show host’s wellbeing and mental health, fans expressed concerns Friday after Oprah Winfrey’s annual Favorite Things list only featured a six-pack of Miller Lite. “Yeah, I know this year has been hard on everyone, but I guess I wasn’t expecting Oprah would just include a sixer of cheap beer or rave about how great it was to crack open a brew to start off your bullshit day,” said Sarah Alexander of the short gift list slated to be published in O, The Oprah Magazine alongside a full-page spread of Winfrey in a baggy Tennessee State sweatshirt, reclining on a sofa littered with empty cans. “It was also a little disturbing to hear her say that they were the perfect gift for a friend, family member, or coworker who wanted to unwind during their commute or just blow off all of life’s fucking hassles by pulling over into a parking lot and getting tanked. I thought there’d be a lotion or a candle recommendation, but nope. Just her saying that the can also makes a handy ashtray. Jeez, y’know? Is everything okay?” Alexander also expressed consternation that the media mogul encouraged to pass on the giving spirit “with love and delight” by drunkenly taking a leak on their neighbor’s lawn.
N.Y. Jets Sued For Millions After Using Unlicensed Cheering Sounds From Other Teams #~# FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Decrying the blatant lifting of audio files for in-stadium noise during quarantine, the New York Jets were sued for millions Friday following the franchise’s unlicensed use of other teams’ cheering sounds. “It is obvious to any listener these sounds of joy and applause were not created by the New York Jets football team,” said Eric Jarvis, an attorney representing  several organizations including the Ravens and Seahawks, who claimed the damaged parties had never given permission for the sound of their fans cheering for touchdowns and celebrating interceptions to be used by the Jets. “The Packers and my other clients have worked hard to generate these outpourings of celebratory sound, and for the Jets to lift them like this is outrageous. People that hear this might get the idea that fans support this team, and that is an outright lie. In fact, these sounds being played during Jets games cheapen the entire act of cheering itself, as well as directly harming the value of these franchises and the NFL.” At press time the Jets’ legal team had failed to show at court after accidentally locking themselves out of their office, losing their cell phones, and then inadvertently burning the building down while trying to break back in.
Michelle Obama Fuming After Barack Also Titles New Memoir ‘Becoming’ #~# WASHINGTON—Calling  the discovery “unbelievable,” Michelle Obama was reportedly fuming  Friday after learning Barack Obama had also titled his new memoir Becoming. “I know I don’t own a trademark on the word ‘becoming,’ but what the fuck, Barack?” said the former first lady, who was bewildered after coming across an advanced reading copy of her husband’s latest book hidden under a pile of clutter on his desk. “Was he going to tell me or was he just going to wait for me to see it at the store? He even has his chin on his hand, Jesus Christ. It’s not like he can claim ignorance on this one either because he read mine and assured me that he liked it. This is why he kept giving me all those suggestions like ‘you should call it Me, Myself, Michelle.’ That goddamn son of a bitch.” At press time, Michelle Obama was calling her husband’s cell phone after noticing a glowing blurb on the book jacket attributed to her that she had never written.
Irresponsible Neighbor Having Ton Of People Over During Pandemic #~# APPLETON, WI—Utterly disregarding the Centers for Disease Control’s Covid-19 safety guidelines, irresponsible neighbor Edith Bernstein, 94, was having a ton of visitors over to her house, local sources reported Friday. “Who the hell does she think she is hosting a gathering like that while cases are skyrocketing?” said next-door neighbor Laura Perkins, adding that she noticed the get-together after she woke up to blaring sirens and spotted the group hanging out in front of Bernstein’s house next to an ambulance. “Jesus, some people are so selfish. She has all kinds of visitors going in and out of there, and they’re not even trying to maintain proper social distance! Not to mention that an older person in a high-risk category really shouldn’t be letting guests make physical contact with her, even if they are wearing full PPE.” At press time, Perkins had reportedly called the police, hoping they would disperse the emergency vehicles outside Bernstein’s home.
Nation Regrets Not Signing Prenup After Finding Out Trump Entitled To Half Of Country’s Assets #~# Hear how Trump’s lawyers plan to aggressively go after the nation’s belongings, and why the American people are likely going to have to pony up.
Failed Art Restoration Draws Calls For Stricter Oversight #~# Professional art conservationists in Spain are demanding more oversight after an amateur restoration left a 97-year-old statue with grotesque features and a “potato head,” with many likening the incident to “Monkey Christ,” a botched repainting that gained international attention in 2012. What do you think?
The Must-Have Xbox Series X Launch Titles #~# Prepare yourself, Microsoft fans, the release of the Xbox Series X is finally here! Click on to see the must-have launch titles for the latest for your newest favorite console. 
Britney Spears Loses Bid To Remove Father As Conservator #~# A Los Angeles court has denied Britney Spears’ attempt to remove her father from the conservatorship of her estate, while lawyers for the pop star say she will not perform while he remains her legal guardian as she is afraid of him. What do you think?
‘So, Do You Play?’ Asks Girlfriend’s Little Brother, Gesturing Grandly To Ping-Pong Table #~# BUTLER, NJ—Removing two paddles from their cloth sheaths, Robbie, the little brother of local man Brian Feehan’s girlfriend asked the interloper ‘Do you play?’ Thursday while grandly gesturing to the ping-pong table behind them. “Are you familiar with the grand game? Perhaps we could measure ourselves man against man,” said the 10-year-old Robbie, bouncing a ping-pong ball on his paddle before driving it cleanly down the middle of the table and past Feehan. “Many of my sister’s suitors who passed through this basement have tried their hand. I’ve always found them lacking. I’ve always thought you could learn much about a person from the way they comport themselves at the ping-pong table. So what say you, shall we volley for serve?” At press time Robbie was grinning in anticipation at a worthy opponent after seeing Feehan adopt a Seemiller grip.
Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy #~# WASHINGTON—In a 5-4 decision that shocked legal experts across the nation, the Supreme Court made waves Thursday when it struck down former president Barack Obama’s personal health insurance policy. “The court holds that Barack Obama’s use of an HMO to provide health coverage for himself, his wife Michelle, and his daughters Sasha and Malia, is in blatant violation of the Ninth Amendment,” said Chief Justice Roberts, who added that existing coverage for all other Americans would remain unaffected except for the former president and the first family. “Henceforth, all African American men who were the 44th president of the United States will be stripped of coverage, including medical, prescription, and dental. Congress has no authority to reinstate these plans, or allow Barack Obama to purchase health insurance through a PPO, EPO, POS, or other means.” At press time, dissenting Justice Sotomayor protested, adding that such a precedent could open the doors to allowing the Supreme Court to strip 39th U.S. president Jimmy Carter of his personal health insurance.
Jared Goff, Rams Come To Terms On 2-Year Contract Reduction #~# LOS ANGELES—Finally completing a long-sought move to ensure a winning future for the organization, the Los Angeles Rams and quarterback Jared Goff announced Thursday that they had come to terms on a two-year contract reduction. “We believe this is a win-win for both sides, and are thrilled to get out ahead of future contract disputes and cut down on Jared’s time here,” said Rams general manager Les Snead, who noted that after everything Goff had shown the franchise over the past few years, the quarterback had earned the right to be cut loose. “We want our fans to know we are always willing to do what it takes to win. It’s been a priority to lock Jared into leaving, and this was a better deal than anyone was ever going to offer him. We know he’s excited about being the face of the Raiders’ bench for years to come.” Snead also added that the new contract included generous guaranteed money provisions for every game Goff simply does not attend.
Looking Back On The Onion’s First 15,000 Years Of Coronavirus Coverage #~# As the mainstream media squanders its journalistic integrity by ignoring a devastating global pandemic, America’s Finest News Source has provided the most insightful, accurate, and truly divisive reporting on Covid-19.
New United Ultra Economy Class Tickets Lets Passengers Get Dragged Behind Plane By Giant Rope #~# Hear why United Airlines and customers alike are calling the new Ultra Economy option just as satisfying, comfortable, and safe as any other flight option.
‘Full House’ Home Purchased For $5.35 Million #~# The three-story, four-bedroom Victorian home featured in the opening credits of Full House has sold for $5.35 million, $640,000 under the original asking price of $5.99 million. What do you think?
‘I...I Am The Mainstream Media,’ Realizes Horrified Tucker Carlson Spiraling Live On Air #~# WASHINGTON—Coming to the realization in front of millions of viewers during the broadcast of his show, a horrified Tucker Carlson stated, ‘I…I am the mainstream media’ Wednesday as he began spiraling live on air. “We’ve discovered evidence of rampant voter fraud, and the president has every right to call for an investigation even if the mainstream media thinks...” said Carlson, who trailed off, stared down at his shaking hands, and felt a sudden ringing in his ears as he looked back up and zeroed in on the production crew surrounding him. “The media says…wait. Those liars on TV will try to tell you…oh God. We’re the number-one program on cable news, aren’t we? Fox News…Fox ‘News.’ It’s the media. It’s me. This can’t be. No, no, no, no. Jesus Christ, I make $6 million a year. Get that camera off me!” At press time, Carlson had torn the microphone from his lapel and fled the set in panic.
Apologetic Man Regrets Driving Wedge Into Country By Voting #~# SAVANNAH, GA—Apologizing for the part he had played in the current political dispute that was dividing the country, local man Dale Swick told reporters Wednesday he regrets driving a wedge into the country by voting. “I would have kept my opinions to myself and not even filled out a ballot if I had known that the election results would be so contentious,” said Swick, lamenting his participation in the democratic process that had caused a huge rift across the United States. “I was just trying to help determine who would be best suited to represent the will of the people, but instead, it just made things worse. If I had known that my vote was going to lead to all this drama, I would have just stayed home and let the candidates work it out among themselves.” At press time, Swick was reportedly calling his local city clerk to say sorry and find out if there was any way he could take back his vote.
CDC Issues Updated Thanksgiving Guidelines #~# The Centers for Disease Control has updated its holiday guidelines ahead of Thanksgiving, urging Americans to stay home and avoid indoor get-togethers as small household gatherings are a major contributor to the worsening coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?
Woman Mentally Scans Everything She Knows About Friend Before Launching Into Rant Against Healing Crystals #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Treading carefully to avoid any hurt feelings, local woman Erin Lippert reportedly took a moment Wednesday to mentally scan everything she knew about her friend before launching into a rant against healing crystals. “I was planning to tell Nina about this dumbass amethyst necklace my sister-in-law bought that she claims will protect her mind from negative energy, but then I thought, ‘Wait, what if Nina believes in that shit too?’” said Lippert, adding that she then scoured her memory for any detail about her friend that might suggest the woman subscribed to the pseudoscientific notion that quartz and other crystals could be used to harness mysterious spiritual forces and heal the sick. “I do remember one time she said she was more spiritual than religious, which is a huge red flag, of course. But her house isn’t decorated with any framed quotes from new age gurus or anything like that. While she does own a salt lamp, she also told me that it was a gift and she likes its ambiance, so she may not actually think it absorbs toxins from the air or whatever. Hmm. Maybe I’ll just mention in passing that I’m a Sagittarius and see if she says anything wacky.” At press time, sources confirmed Lippert was nodding with a tight-lipped smile as her friend shared how a recent chiropractic visit had cured her psoriasis.
Pfizer Announces First Batch Of Coronavirus Vaccine Will Be Collector’s Edition Limited To 2,000 Doses #~# NEW YORK—Following this week’s news that the immunization may be 90% effective in preventing Covid-19, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer announced in an advertisement Wednesday that the first batch of its highly anticipated coronavirus vaccine would arrive in a collector’s edition limited to 2,000 doses. “Pfizer is proud to offer an exclusive early release of our new vaccine in a custom-made Swarovski crystal syringe with a 24-karat gold needle,” the glossy magazine ad read in part, noting that each dose would come in a handcrafted mahogany case and be accompanied with an official certificate of authenticity signed by Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla. “The Covid-19 Platinum Edition Vaccine is a must-have for vaccinophiles and sure to quickly increase in value. Act now, and you’ll also receive a leather-bound volume filled with freehand ink drawings of the novel coronavirus’s genome sequence, as well as historic early sketches of our life-saving vaccine’s chemical structure. This legendary piece of inoculative history can be yours  for only $4,999.” At press time, reports confirmed all doses of the vaccine had sold out immediately and were now going for 10 times their original price on the secondary market.
Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing what a huge risk it was to the nation’s already-damaged emotional health, officials warned Wednesday that holiday travel could cause a spike in millions of Americans falling for their old hometown flame. “To anyone thinking of flying or driving home this Thanksgiving, please, consider how easy it could be to run into your old high school sweetheart, make eye contact from across a bar, and instantly fall back in love,” said CDC spokesperson Brian Nadler, adding that although domestic travel might seem safe, spending a whirlwind 24 hours with an old torch, driving his car to the place where you had your first kiss, and rekindling lost, passionate memories of youth could destroy your lives. “While we understand the urge to travel during the holidays, waking up in his bed after a one-night stand and discovering that he just got engaged to another woman in your hometown isn’t worth it. The truth is, even limited exposure to former flames is dangerous and could leave you in tears, wallowing in self pity with severe heartbreak.” At press time, Nadler added that if people had to travel, they should wear a mask to keep former lovers from recognizing them and quarantine for at least 14 days after catching feelings. 
History Of Presidential Transitions Of Power #~# The peaceful transition of power is historically a hallmark of the American presidency, but the process hasn’t always gone smoothly. The Onion looks back at a history of presidential transitions.
Jeff Bezos Wears Disguise To Secretly Assess Whole Foods Employees #~# SEATTLE—Painting green stripes across his face and crouching down at the bottom of a wooden produce crate,  Jeff Bezos reportedly disguised himself as a medium-sized watermelon Wednesday in order to secretly assess Whole Foods employees. Several reports confirmed the Amazon CEO, worth $188.9 billion, was nestled covertly in a pile of watermelons, opening his eyes briefly and scowling on several occasions before mumbling the words “too slow” and “breach of dress code” into a recording device. According to witnesses, however, Bezos almost blew his cover on multiple occasions, once when a female customer picked up his head and started slapping it to see if it was ripe, once when he sneezed after an automatic misting system sprayed his face, and once after he bit a child who kept pointing at him and telling his mom “that melon looks weird.” After spending upwards of five hours recording countless infractions, Bezos reportedly began to scream and loudly fire several employees after a member of the juice bar staff nearly chopped his skull in half.
Asshole Monk Hogging Meditation Spot Under Waterfall For Whole Hour Now #~# WAKAYAMA, JAPAN—Expressing disbelief that their colleague had failed to notice the long line of practitioners stretching back to the temple, sources at Seiganto-Ji monastery confirmed Wednesday that an asshole monk has been hogging the best meditation spot under a nearby waterfall for a whole hour now. “Come on, buddy, we all know you don’t need more than 30 minutes to see the emptiness of the ego, especially under the most tranquil waterfall in the whole goddamn prefecture,” said Junior Priest Ryōgen Ichishima, adding that he had tried to cough politely, but the meditating jackass had just pretended he was too “blissed out” sitting in his full lotus position before the cascading water and mountainside scenery to even notice. “Well, don’t worry, pal. Time is a fucking illusion, so take as much of it drinking in the gorgeous scenery as you want. Hey, I’ll just drop off body and mind over here in the dusty corner of the meditation hall. Enjoy transcendence, you prick.” At press time, the infuriated Ichishima had announced his intention to give it another 15 minutes and then really show the careless fuck that life is suffering.
Soldier Faces Difficult Adjustment To Life At Home After Long Trip To Bathroom #~# On this Veteran’s Day, The Topical honors one brave service member and his long road back to normalcy after a particularly long and grueling tour of duty.
Mother Bear And Cub Shot Attempting To Board Nuclear Submarine #~# The Russian Navy says it was forced to shoot a mother bear and her cub after the pair climbed aboard a nuclear submarine that was docked at a military port, though footage from the incident drew outrage on social media. What do you think?
McDonald’s To Launch ‘McPlant’ Meat Alternative #~# McDonald’s announced the company will release a plant-based burger in some markets next year, with the possibility of adding plant-based chicken and breakfast sandwiches as well. What do you think?
Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud #~# ATLANTA—Responding to President Donald Trump’s refusal to accept election results, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp unveiled a team of specially trained hogs Tuesday for rooting out voter fraud. “These pigs can smell about 2,000 times better than the average poll observer, making them the ideal team to locate fraudulent ballots buried deep in the mud,” said Kemp, who explained hundreds of the animals would be deployed across the state to investigate the president’s claims that the election was rigged against him. “Every legal vote will be counted, and every illegal vote will be unearthed from the ground by snout. These hogs can detect a faulty signature as deep as 9 feet in the ground and pick up the scent of a duplicate ballot from up to 5 miles away. It’s cutting-edge technology that can’t be hacked or compromised, and we’re confident thousands of illegally cast votes will be discovered.” At press time, Kemp was preparing to deploy a team of specially trained voter-fraud-detecting dolphins after the hogs had rooted up nothing but truffles.
Scrambling Vatican Quickly Establishes Child Molestation As New Sacrament #~# VATICAN CITY—Backpedaling under increased scrutiny after more revelations of widespread sexual abuse cover-ups in the Catholic Church came to light, a scrambling Vatican  quickly issued a proclamation Tuesday establishing child molestation as a new sacrament. “We must properly address the role that child molestation plays in our church and in its leadership, which we will do by enshrining it as the eighth sacrament, and any person of the Roman Catholic faith who has not yet received this sacrament is encouraged to do so immediately,” said a visibly panicked, sweating Pope Francis, adding that Child Molestation would be added to the Catechism of the Catholic Church as a sacrament of initiation alongside Baptism, Confirmation, and the Eucharist. “Being sexually abused at a young age by a member of the clergy is one of our most deeply spiritual and holy acts, and in giving and receiving these sacraments, we are acting according to God’s divine grace. Of course, one must engage oneself completely in the study and practice of being sexually abused in order for the sacrament to be fully administered, and once being initiated, you are expected to teach these practices to future generations. Some may say we are acting in haste today, but in fact we are simply acknowledging and preserving the rite that so many of our priests and church leaders have performed for generations.” Before hurrying out of the press conference, Pope Francis confirmed that any deceased people who had not received the sacrament of child molestation were bound to eternal limbo.
Fucking Big Shot Chef Over Here Announces Plans To Smoke Turkey This Year #~# PARK CITY, UT—Apparently under the impression that he would be preparing a holiday meal for the goddamn Rockefellers, Ryan Platt, this fucking big shot chef over here, has plans to smoke a turkey for Thanksgiving this year, extended family members confirmed Tuesday. “Well, well, well—listening to Mr. Michelin Star here, you’d think the only way to cook a turkey was to smoke it using a mixture of hickory and applewood,” said Platt’s cousin Zak Hendrix, explaining that the little Gordon Ramsay was going to spend 24 hours brining the turkey in a solution containing bergamot peel and Sichuan peppercorns, if you could believe that. “I sure hope the pit master extraordinaire has fun waking up at 5:30 on Thanksgiving morning to get the smoker set up. The best part is that he ordered a rare heritage breed of turkey, because it turns out a normal Butterball just isn’t good enough for him! To hear our own resident James Beard Award winner tell it, you’d think everyone in his family had been doing it wrong all these years.” Platt’s relatives later asked whether they were allowed to stop by his place on Thanksgiving or whether they would need to make a reservation first.
Report: 70% Of Republicans Believe Election Hasn’t Happened Yet #~# WASHINGTON—Spurred by President Donald Trump’s own refusal to accept the results, a new report issued by the Pew Research Center Tuesday found that 70% of Republicans believe the U.S. election hasn’t happened yet. “It just doesn’t make sense—the major news networks are saying Joe Biden is the winner, but how can a winner be determined if no one’s had the chance to vote yet?” said respondent Neal Cooke, who echoed the concerns of the majority of conservatives surveyed in calling upon Fox News to retract their presidential election results while as many as 150 million votes remained uncounted. “Frankly, it’s way too early to call any states, considering Election Day hasn’t arrived. It’s not the mainstream media’s job to declare whether or not an election has occurred. That will be for the Supreme Court to decide. President Trump has every right not to concede an election that hasn’t even been held regardless of how happy we are of the gains we’ve made in the House.” At press time, a new report found 80% of Republicans refused to acknowledge Joe Biden was ever a presidential candidate at all.
OPR Health Insurance Lists Leslie Price As Employee’s Only In-Network Primary Care Provider #~# Host Leslie Price sits down with staff members of The Topical for their annual checkup.
Michigan Woman With 14 Sons Gives Birth To Daughter #~# A couple in Michigan with 14 sons aged 2 to 28 have announced the birth of their 15th child, a daughter named Maggie Jayne. What do you think?
Alex Trebek Politely Listens To Lame Anecdote About Time Archangel Saw Bear #~# THE HEAVENS—Dutifully feigning interest as the celestial being recalled the incident, the ascended soul of late Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek politely listened to an archangel’s lame anecdote about the time he saw a bear, sources from on high confirmed Monday. “My friend and I went to Yosemite once, and this big black bear just appeared out of nowhere,” said the Archangel Michael, Prince of the Heavenly Host, who continued to recount the forgettable story as the beloved TV personality reportedly gave a cordial nod and tried to wrap things up. “We didn’t have any bear spray or anything, but it was fine, since it was pretty far away and, for the most part, they’re shy and timid creatures. Apparently with black bears you’re supposed to make yourself appear larger, but with grizzlies you’re supposed to play dead. They don’t have grizzlies at Yosemite, though. Just black bears, and I’m not sure if this one even noticed us.” Before the archangel could finish the story, Trebek is said to have cut him off and begun speaking to the Archangel Raphael, who had a story about a time he served James Gandolfini in a coffee shop.
Joe Biden Announces Coronavirus Task Force #~# President-elect Joe Biden on Monday announced plans for a 12-person Covid-19 task force which will be charged with preparing a plan to fight the pandemic when he takes office in January. What do you think?
Nation Hopeful For Better Future Where Activist Celebrities Will Finally Shut The Fuck Up #~# NEW YORK—Looking forward to a new age of peace and prosperity, Americans across the country told reporters Monday that they were feeling hopeful for a better future when celebrity activists will finally shut the fuck up. “I want my kids to grow up in a world without desperate A-listers belting out some dumb-as-shit song about voting,” said Janice Caesar, echoing the sentiments of 328 million Americans who expressed wishes to scroll through their social media feeds without seeing celebrities replying to Donald Trump’s tweets with some asinine bullshit. “I envision a new America, one where I never hear that Kristen Bell and Lin-Manuel Miranda teamed up for a video. One where ’80s sitcom stars don’t reunite to get out of the vote. Maybe we’ll finally reach a point where they put a goddamn sock in it for once.” At press time, the nation praised a new photograph of Zendaya and Woody Harrelson on a film set as a genuine sign of progress. 
Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus #~# Joe Biden’s campaign promise of a “rapid pandemic response” may have been what earned him a victory, so why hasn’t he or his administration done anything to solve the crisis in the last 24 hours?
Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night #~# SAN QUENTIN, CA—Following the announcement that Joe Biden won the U.S. Presidential Election, the Aryan Brotherhood reported a record surge in donations this week. “Over the past few days, we have seen a record increase in donors who want to help us during this time of unprecedented assaults on the master race,” said Drew Mackey, one of the leaders of the white supremacist prison gang, adding that the new inflow of cash will allow the organization to open up multiple new chapters, hire additional staff, and further disseminate their message of racial purity. “Although this comes as a disappointment for us all, we are heartened by the historic amount of new patrons to our cause of fighting the war against the Blacks and the Jews. This will allow us to do important work when it comes to promoting racially fueled domestic terrorism and retaking the White House.” At press time, Stormfront, the Traditionalist Workers Party, and the Ku Klux Klan had all reported similar windfalls of cash.
Media Glad It Can Finally End Half-Assed Charade Of Trying To Understand American Populace #~# NEW YORK—Expressing their profound relief that they would soon put aside the agonizing song and dance, media outlets nationwide noted their excitement this week at finally ending the half-assed charade of trying to understand the American populace. “God, it’s been such a fucking slog going into Bumblefuck, Iowa and having to pretend that I cared what some hayseed dipshit thought about the president’s China tariffs,” said NBC anchor Chuck Todd, echoing thousands of journalists and broadcasters across the country who noted that if they had to feign compassion for the plight of a tearful Rust Belt worker for one more minute, they would have to “put a fucking bullet in their brain” without hesitation. “Jesus Christ, just the thought of eating another one of these blue-plate specials at some dingy diner makes me want to puke all over one of those cattle-raising, Old Navy–wearing numbskulls. This is great, though. All these rural hill jacks can go get reamed.” At press time, the nation’s journalists had all announced plans to spend the next four years with wall-to-wall fawning profiles of boutique art gallery owners in upstate New York.
Pastor To Justin Bieber, Other Celebs Fired For ‘Moral Failures’ #~# Carl Lentz, known for his friendships with celebrity worshippers and for being a spiritual advisor to Justin Bieber, has been fired from New York City megachurch Hillsong due to “moral failures” including infidelity. What do you think?
QAnon Followers Frustrated After Q Calls For Respecting Election Results, Uniting Behind Biden #~# BURNSVILLE, NC—As they adjusted to the dramatic shift in messaging, followers of right-wing conspiracy group QAnon were reportedly frustrated Friday after their anonymous leader, known only as “Q,” called for them to respect the election results and unite behind president-elect Joe Biden.
Crying Eric Trump Asks Father If They Poor Now #~# WASHINGTON—Following Donald Trump’s defeat in the 2020 presidential election, a crying Eric Trump reportedly asked his father Friday if they were poor now. “Daddy, I’m scared. Are we all out of money now that you’re not president no more?” asked Eric, 36, wiping away tears and snot from his face as he struggled to shatter his Minecraft piggy bank. “I have six paper money and a whole handful of these metal circles, hopefully that can help. Do me and Don Jr. have to get jobs now? I don’t want to be poor and smelly, but I don’t even know how to work. Being rich was the best ever and I don’t want it to stop.” At press time, a famished Eric Trump was sobbing while attempting to cut a leather shoe with a knife and fork.
Donald Trump Jr. Refuses To Step Down From Post Of President’s Oldest Son #~# WASHINGTON—Bucking centuries of precedent with a decision not to participate in the peaceful transfer of his authority, Donald Trump Jr. has refused to step down from his post as the president’s oldest son, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I, Don Trump Jr.—or, I should now say, Don Biden Jr.—will continue to fulfill my duties as the president’s eldest male offspring regardless of any attempts to unseat me or render my position illegitimate,” the 42-year-old real estate heir told reporters, saying he looked forward to promoting president-elect Joe Biden’s personal brand and to spending holidays with the first family, during which he hoped to bond with his “new siblings” Hunter and Ashley. “In this tumultuous time, the nation needs continuity, and through my proven experience as the president’s first male issue, I can provide that. Let me be clear: I am the commander-in-chief’s very special boy, and I will continue in this role for four more years. I’ve already filed a lawsuit to halt the installation of any other person in my position and, if necessary, will pursue this matter all the way to the Supreme Court.” At press time, the U.S. Supreme Court had issued a summary judgment declaring that the last person to claim the post of president’s oldest son had never officially stepped down, and thus the role still rightfully belonged to George W. Bush.
Lincoln Project Immediately Releases Series Of Ads Calling For Biden Impeachment #~# WASHINGTON—Following news that the Democratic nominee had officially cleared 270 electoral votes, The Lincoln Project super PAC immediately released a series of ads Friday calling for Joe Biden to be impeached. “It’s time for America to heal, and we can’t do it with this maniac in office,” said the commercial’s narrator, which aired on TV channels across the country alongside an animated ad depicting a mustachioed Biden rapping under the name “Joe Stalin.” “In the 2020 election, we voted for Biden. Now, we understand that was a grave mistake, and it’s our job to turn things around. Joseph Biden must go. The president-elect is out of control. He’s a risk to American democracy, and he’s certainly no conservative.” At press time, The Lincoln Project had unleashed a new campaign tearing into itself for such appalling hypocrisy. 
Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus #~# WASHINGTON—Excoriating the presumptive nominee for his lack of action, the national news media turned its ire on the Biden administration Tuesday for its failure to solve the Covid epidemic. “Hopes were high when President-elect Biden won the election but unfortunately at this point he has failed to deliver on his promises to listen to scientists and see the nation through this challenging period,” said CNN anchor John Berman, confirming that thus far, the Democratic nominee had not lobbied Congress or issued any executive actions to address rising hospitalizations or the economic devastation incurred by the virus. “Despite signaling that he would make it a chief priority, Biden and his as-yet-unnamed cabinet officials have acted like deer in the headlights, refusing to put forward any legislation whatsoever despite having at least the House and, pending results, even the Senate in their corner. It’s this type of stalling that just adds more fuel to the fire for Republicans who claim that Democrats get nothing done.” Berman went on to further condemn Biden for his failure to propose meaningful policy solutions to the wave of right-wing violence expected to escalate over the next few months. 
Jubilant Reaction To Trump Defeat Quickly Soured By News Of Biden Win #~# CHICAGO—Seconds after the room had erupted into cheers, applause, and a few big sighs of relief, sources confirmed Tuesday that a local group of friend’s jubilant reaction to Donald Trump’s defeat had soured quickly upon the announcement of Joe Biden’s victory. “One moment we’re celebrating our nation’s repudiation of Trump, and the next Biden is declared the winner—what a buzzkill,” said 29-year-old Ryan Lopez, whose smile had visibly faded to weariness as the former vice president and retired six-term senator appeared on television to celebrate with his family. “The American people just ousted a transparently racist, misogynistic, and authoritarian president, but before we even have a chance to savor that triumph, we’re forced to deal with the fact that his replacement will be Joe Biden. Ugh, why does the single best piece of news this country has had in years have to be tainted immediately? For fuck’s sake.” At press time, Lopez had reportedly demanded the television be shut off after a news anchor observed that Trump would remain in power until January.
‘You Have Disappointed Me,’ Trump Tells Room Full Of Supporters While Strapping On Gas Mask #~# WASHINGTON—Pacing slowly back and forth as he delivered his words, President Donald Trump reportedly told a room full of his supporters, “You have disappointed me” Wednesday while strapping on a gas mask. “The only thing I ever asked of you was your support, and indeed you’ve failed me at that,” said Trump, securing the military-grade breathing device in place as the sound of a click and hiss broke the stunned silence and a dark, noxious fume engulfed the terrified crowd. “You’ve followed me through the dawn of my rise and my darkest hours, and I always counted you among my most loyal disciples. But now I can see my trust was misplaced. I can’t believe I  put faith in your obedience. You’re weak—all of you, weak.” At press time, Trump slowly headed for the exit, treading over the mass of still, silent bodies on the floor with a crunch.
The Must-Have PS5 Launch Games #~# The next generation of Sony’s face-melting hardware is finally here! Take a spin through this slideshow to see all the must-have launch titles for the PlayStation 5. 
Media Condemns Biden For Baseless Claim That Nation Will Come Together Once Election Over #~# NEW YORK—Blasting the former vice president for spreading misinformation at this perilous time for democracy, media figures across the political spectrum condemned Joe Biden Friday for his baseless claim that the nation will come together once the election was over. “Shame on Vice President Biden for perpetuating these baseless conspiracy theories and outright lies about us somehow binding up the nation’s wounds and uniting for the common good behind the ideals of the republic,” said CNN’s Jake Tapper in an extended harangue in which he lambasted Biden for living in a “delusional fantasy” in which the American people had the capacity to put aside their petty differences and look toward the better angels of their nature to forge a more perfect union. “What’s worse is that he uses this rhetoric about peacemaking and civility without a single thought to how dangerous it is to put such ideas into the minds of his followers. Where’s the evidence for this nonsense? There is none. This is America, you don’t just say things like that. Shame on him. This has never happened in 244 years of this country’s existence, and it certainly won’t happen now.” At press time, Tapper had rapidly cut away from a press conference in which Biden described the lofty democratic ideals of the founding fathers in order to call the presidential candidate’s beliefs pathetic.
Kosovo President Steps Down To Face War Crimes Charges #~# Kosovo President Hashim Thaci resigned from office Thursday to fly to The Hague following his indictment for war crimes and crimes against humanity during the Kosovo War. What do you think?
Report: You Slept Through Your Alarm And This All A Dream #~# Hear why you probably should have set a back-up alarm because it’s already 11 a.m. and everyone is looking for you.
Pros And Cons Of Political Polling #~# While polling has been a staple of presidential races for decades, high-profile polling errors in the last two presidential races have left some questioning their effectiveness. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of political polling.
Libya Hit With ‘Gargantuan’ Hail #~# A severe thunderstorm in the Libyan capital of Tripoli dropped hail measuring 7 inches in diameter last week, which experts say are some of the largest hailstones ever photographed. What do you think?
Utah Votes To Remove Slavery As Punishment For Crime From Constitution #~# Voters in Utah have passed an amendment to remove a provision from the state constitution that allows slavery or involuntary servitude if it is as punishment for a crime. What do you think?
Panicked Trump Agrees To Zoom Debate #~# WASHINGTON—Alarmed that his chances of victory had grown increasingly slim, a visibly panicked Donald Trump decided Thursday evening that he would be fine with debating Democratic opponent Joe Biden on Zoom if that was what it took to win, sources close to the president confirmed. “Fine, I’ll do it—get the computer and we’ll do the virtual thing,” Trump was overheard telling aides, who quickly sent a meeting invitation link to both the Biden campaign and several major news networks. “Come on, get everyone on the screen. If they want us to face off on Zoom instead of on a stage, then so be it. I’ll even wear a mask, see? Really, I’m happy to do it this way. You’ll noticed that Biden is the one who doesn’t seem interested in doing the virtual debate these days. I wonder why that is?” At press time, White House sources confirmed President Trump had backed out of the debate again after concluding Zoom was “a total rip off” with its $14.99 monthly fee for a premium account.
Trump Files Lawsuit In Pennsylvania Alleging Election Officials Totally Disregarding His Feelings #~# WASHINGTON—Blasting the complete lack of empathy, campaign attorneys for President Donald Trump filed a lawsuit in Pennsylvania Thursday alleging state election officials were totally disregarding his feelings. “A lot of these ballots clearly contain information that makes me sad and scared, and it’s just not right,” said Trump, who cautioned the media to refrain from issuing any results that would hurt him. “I’m angry and confused, and I demand that election officials cease being mean immediately. All this vote counting completely flies in the face of my emotions, and I won’t stand for it. We won’t let the Democrats make me cry.” At press time, an angry mob of Trump supporters had surrounded a vote counting facility to demand election officials make the president smile. 
Nation Never Wants To See Color Red Or Blue Ever Again #~# WASHINGTON—Exhausted after 48 hours of following cable news coverage and continually refreshing their web browsers, Americans from all 50 states and the District of Columbia told reporters Thursday they do not want to see the color red or the color blue in any context or for any reason ever again. “I swear to God, if I never lay eyes on an apple or a stop sign for the rest of my life, I’ll be one happy man,” said Lucas Porter, a 36-year-old truck driver from Menomonie, WI whose sentiment was reportedly shared by every man, woman, and child across the United States. “The same goes for the sky, blueberries, and certain whale species. Don’t want them in my line of sight. To be clear, I’m talking every shade of red: crimson, scarlet, vermilion. And every shade of blue: navy, sky, midnight. They can all fuck off.” At press time, a similar condemnation was issued for green and yellow by the National Association for the Color Blind.
Democratic Strategists Hold Screening Of ‘Three Amigos’ In Order To Better Understand Latino Culture #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to learn from their failure to court the potential voter base in the 2020 election, Democratic strategists held a screening of Three Amigos Thursday in an effort to help the party better understand Latino culture. “One of the major blunders of the last campaign cycle was Democrats’ lack of a message that connected with everyday Latinx families, such as how our policies can help towns caught in the clutches of the infamous bandito El Guapo and his band of men,” said strategist James Carville, demonstrating to his fellow analysts how they could have earned a larger vote share of the nation’s estimated 59.8 million Hispanic Americans by running ads touting increased access to invisible swordsmen and singing bushes voiced by Randy Newman. “For too long we’ve made the mistake of treating these voters like one monolithic entity, but what we’re learning is that there are multiple subgroups—Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, and Martin Short—that each have their own distinctive backgrounds and culture, and we need to tailor our message to fit them all.” At press time, Carville had moved on to educating strategists about how to reach out to military families by popping in a DVD of Sgt. Bilko. 
Hundreds Of Shelter Cats And Dogs Flown From Hawaii To Mainland For Adoption #~# Over 600 dogs and cats were flown from overcrowded shelters in Hawaii to Washington, Oregon, Montana, and Idaho, where the animals are more likely to be adopted in what organizers say is the largest pet rescue flight ever. What do you think?
Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants #~# Hear why a growing list of targets and scant resources may have more violent alt-right groups biting off more than they can chew.
Passed California Ballot Measure Allows Uber, Lyft To Categorize Workers As Car Parts #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In what amounts to an unequivocal victory for the multibillion-dollar rideshare corporations, California ballot measure 22 officially passed Tuesday, allowing Uber and Lyft to categorize their workers as car parts. “We’re absolutely thrilled with this outcome that lets us legally recognize drivers as a crucial aspect of an automobile’s operation,” said Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi, confirming that the new legislation would give workers the same basic rights and protections as any other vehicle components such as the muffler or brake pad. “This brings us one step closer to a brighter future where workers will have the freedom to spend a few hours filling in as part of a car’s steering system before going to a second gig working as a shopping basket for Instacart and a third gig as a forklift for Amazon.” Khosrowshahi added that while the ballot measure did not provide substantive healthcare benefits, it would require drivers to be swapped out every 5,000 miles.
Amy McGrath Blows Remaining Campaign Funds On Lavish Concession Bonanza #~# FRANKFORT, KY—In an effort to ensure every last cent of the raised $84 million was put to good use, defeated Democratic Senate candidate Amy McGrath reportedly blew her remaining campaign funds Wednesday on a lavish concession bonanza. “We may not have beat Mitch McConnell last night, but this grassroots movement isn’t finished—we’re taking it to Dubai, Monaco, and hitting up the casinos in Singapore,” said McGrath, who reminded the crowd not to forget to pick up their Fabergé egg gift bags near the front gate between the second dolphin pool and Kylie Jenner selfie station.  “I’d be nothing without my amazing team of staff, volunteers, the Bengal tiger trainers, Madonna, and the dozens of Playboy bunnies passing out Dom Pérignon. And of course, above all else, I’d like to thank my family and U2, who were very expensive to book and fly in privately so be sure to check them out after the Blue Angels show.” At press time, McGrath had peeled away from the blowout in a brand-new yellow Bugatti as $2 million worth of fireworks spelling out ‘Resist!’ exploded in the sky.
‘How Can They Expect Me To Focus Today?’ Asks Man Putting In Usual Half-Assed Effort At Work #~# NEW YORK—Though he was indignant that his employer expected him to carry on as normal while the nation awaited results in what might be the most important election of his adult life, sources confirmed local data analyst Dennis Andino nonetheless put in his ordinary half-assed effort at work Wednesday. “Seriously, how the hell can I stay focused on anything else when the future of our country hangs in the balance like this?” said Andino who, during a typical day on the job, completes the bare minimum amount of work necessary to avoid being fired and who spent much of Monday and Tuesday refreshing Twitter ahead of the NFL’s trade deadline. “I honestly don’t understand how I’m supposed to [file a report that was due three weeks ago and answer a day-old email from a supervisor] as if nothing else is happening in the world. I was so anxious last night I could barely sleep, yet I’m still expected to [complete a tiny fraction of the responsibilities outlined in his job description] like I would any other day. This is bullshit.” At press time, reports stated that the bitter, disappointed man who goes to the office every day with a raging hangover had apologized to his coworkers, saying he was a bit irritable from the election stress.
Nation Sees Fundamental Realignment In Which Voting Demographics Should Be Demonized #~# WASHINGTON—Describing the previous night’s results as a shocking transformation in their understanding of the electorate, political analysts told reporters Wednesday night that the 2020 election represented a fundamental realignment in which voting demographics should be demonized. “Frankly, these results reveal nothing less than a massive sea change of who political parties blame for all of this nation’s problems,” said Stanford University polling expert Harry Mills, noting the Republican Party’s historic steps towards creating a diverse multiracial coalition would have repercussions for decades to come in how it alters the understanding of electoral scapegoats. “Of course, liberal politicians have been edging toward blaming Cubans and Jewish Americans for their problems for years. But no one ever expected they would be able to vilify them so quickly—and certainly not alongside such a broad assortment of minority strawmen like Black men and homosexuals. Where once it was common sense that Democrats only needed to say non-college-educated whites were bigots voting against their own self-interest, it now seems they’ll also need to pin electoral failures on Hispanics who refuse to use the term Latinx. It’s a stunning development.” At press time, the Democratic Party had used preliminary analyses of the election’s outcome to draft a series of outcomes telling Latinos how badly they had botched the election for the rest of us.
History Of Contested U.S. Elections #~# The 2020 race is shaping up to be a controversial election, including President Trump’s campaign demanding a recount in Wisconsin, but it’s hardly the first time in U.S. history that an election’s outcome was contested. The Onion looks back at a history of contested elections in the U.S.
Johnny Depp Loses Libel Case Against British Tabloid #~# A court in London has ruled that the British tabloid The Sun did not commit libel when they published a 2018 article claiming actor Johnny Depp was abusive toward his ex-wife Amber Heard, which the judge ruled to be “substantially true” based on evidence presented by the defense. What do you think?
Newly Elected QAnon Congresswoman Worried She Selling Out By Working With Pedophile Cabal #~# ALPHARETTA, GA—As the glow of her victory dimmed and the reality of what she’d agreed to do finally dawned on her, newly elected QAnon-supporting Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) was reportedly worried Wednesday morning that she was selling out by going to work with a pedophile cabal. “I mean, Congress is rife with dozens, if not hundreds, of Satanists who sell kids into sex slavery, and I really signed up to go work with them? What’s wrong with me?” said Greene, who said that although she knew anyone running for office would have to make some compromises, she wondered how she was going to maintain her anti-pedophile credentials if she willingly worked alongside all the child molesters in Congress. “Only a complete and utter sellout would spend all this time railing against the House of Representatives, one of the centers of the global sex-trafficking ring that President Trump is nobly trying to fight against, and then sign up to join them. Where is my sense of ethics? Try to change things from the inside, I told myself—fat chance. If I could talk to a younger version of myself, all full of hope that we could successfully dismantle the global child-trafficking ring, I just hope she would still respect me.” At press time, an increasingly remorseful Greene was reportedly considering giving her seat up altogether after receiving a call from House minority leader Kevin McCarthy informing her that she would receive an assignment to sit on the House Subcommittee For Adrenochrome Harvesting.
Woman Loads Up On Discounted Voting Machines Day After Election #~# PORTSMOUTH, NH—Taking full advantage of the post-election markdowns, local woman Olivia Fanelli reportedly loaded up Wednesday on discounted voting machines. “Three’s probably more than I need, but they’re practically giving these away at the Board of Elections,” said Fanelli, who lugged the devices out to her truck in the parking lot before returning to the polling site to snag a couple of extras for friends. “You just can’t say no to a deal like this. Try to buy one at the wrong time and it’ll cost a fortune, but if you pay attention to the seasonal deals, you can get lucky. Sure, they’ll sit in storage for a while, but the next election season will be here before we know, and then I’ll be set.” At press time, Fanelli was delighted after getting her hands on the polling place’s last box of 20,000 pens. 
Whale Sculpture Saves Train From Crashing #~# Dutch authorities say a subway train that derailed from its elevated track avoided plunging to the ground below after it caught on a 32-foot statue of a whale’s tail. What do you think?
CNN Seamstresses Frantically Updating Results On Electoral Map Quilt #~# NEW YORK—Unrolling yet another bolt of quilter’s weight cotton as vote tallies poured in from across the country, CNN seamstresses reportedly worked frantically Tuesday night to update county-by-county results on the network’s massive electoral map quilt. “Dammit, we’ve got an upset in the Adirondacks and only 25 seconds till we’re back from commercial—who has the red satin thread?” shouted senior needlework editor Marilyn Evers, 62, who used a seam ripper to tear out the blue stitches surrounding a sparsely populated county in upstate New York that had unexpectedly flipped in favor of President Trump. “Also, it may come down to the wire, so we need to have both a red and a blue poly-blend Florida backed with fusible interfacing. Let’s have that shit ready to iron on the map as soon as it’s decided. And let’s use some scraps of that adorable polka dot fabric Ellen brought in to appliqué a question mark on North Carolina so that Mr. Tapper will have something to point to when he announces it’s still too close to call. Oh, and by the way, if I look up at that screen tonight and see a state without properly bound edges and mitered corners, someone’s gonna lose their job. This is CNN, for fuck’s sake!” At press time, sources confirmed Evers had completed an intricate, hand-embroidered donkey in the southeast corner of Florida just in time to announce Broward County had gone to Joe Biden.
Flustered Wolf Blitzer Cuts To Malaysian Airplane Coverage To Distract From Lack Of Concrete Results #~# ATLANTA—As time continued to pass without any election developments to report, an increasingly flustered CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer cut to coverage of the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 to distract from a lack of concrete results. “We can now conclusively state that Flight 370 did not go down off of the western coast of Australia—repeat, that’s our final call on whether the flight ended up off the coast of Australia, although we can’t yet make any final determination about whether the plane is somewhere else in the Indian Ocean. In the meantime, we’ll go to Anderson Cooper to see if there are any new developments since air traffic controllers lost contact,” stammered Blitzer, as a sweating, visibly nervous CNN analyst John King moved from the network’s Magic Wall showing most states grayed out to a map of Southeast Asia where he marked areas that represented the flight’s trajectory and the last time it had been heard from in March 2014. “Right, so, while the search has covered around 50,000 square miles, it has so far failed to turn up more than parts of a plane’s right wing and right stabilizer that could have been part of the vanished Boeing 777 aircraft, and there’s been a whole host of controversy surrounding the Malaysian government’s response to the plane’s disappearance. While we’re, um, waiting to confirm anything on the West Coast or even get some reliable exit polling out of Michigan or Pennsylvania that might tell us which way the election is going, we’ll be hearing from an official from the International Civil Aviation Association about the likelihood a plane could go missing, and what kinds of changes have been made in aviation safety over the past six years. But first, we’re going to hear from our correspondents Arlette Saenz and Jeff Zeleny, who are waiting for any statements from the Joe Biden campaign, but in the meantime are going to reopen the case of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, and explore several key developments that have happened over the past 15 years, and then, uh, depending on what’s happening in Texas, maybe Dana Bash can talk about the Carnival cruise ship from 2013 where many passengers got sick before a power outage turned the boat into a feces-covered nightmare.” The agitated Blitzer added that the network could not confirm how the Malaysia Airlines flight’s 239 passengers and crew members would have voted in the 2020 election.
Poll: 94% Of Nation Would Rather Live In Authoritarian Dictatorship Than Wait 10 More Minutes For Results #~# WASHINGTON—With almost all respondents claiming there is no agony greater than anticipation, a new Gallup poll released Tuesday found that 94% of the nation would rather live in an authoritarian dictatorship than wait 10 more minutes for election results. “I would much prefer to be subjected to the cruel whims of an autocratic megalomaniac than wait any longer for the final election outcome,” said Georgia resident Chris Mitchell, who, along with a nearly unanimous majority of Americans, expressed a willingness to be dragged from his house by government agents in the dead of night and disappeared if it would result in a shorter period of uncertainty. “Being forced to do hard labor in a concentration camp? Sign me up if it means I could finally find out who won this damn thing. Feed me propaganda, shoot dissidents in the street, do away with elections altogether, I don’t care! I’ll accept anything at this point. I just want to know.” At press time, the other 6% of respondents confirmed that they were willing to wait another five minutes maximum.
Man Buys Couple Boxes Of Mac And Cheese In Case Society Descends Into Blood-Soaked Pandemonium #~# PHILADELPHIA—Deciding to prepare himself for any situation that might emerge following the election, area man Josh Miller bought a couple boxes of macaroni and cheese on his way home from work in case society descended into a horrifying, blood-soaked pandemonium, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Having a few things of Easy Mac on hand isn’t such a bad idea if the entire social order collapses and we’re left to fend for ourselves amidst the chaos,” the 44-year-old reportedly thought to himself as he perused the aisles of his local grocery store, determining that between the macaroni in his hands and the half box of granola bars awaiting him at home, he should be able to ride out whatever anarchic and merciless state of nature remained after the failure of American democracy. “These will be good for a lunch or a dinner if I don’t want to leave my place because constitutional government has ended and the streets are running red with the blood of civilians. I’m also gonna grab a frozen pizza or two. I’m probably being overcautious, but if a scenario develops in which the social contract has been voided and everyone starts killing everyone else just to snatch whatever valuables they have on their person, I’ll be glad I did. Not sure I need much else, though. Maybe some extra batteries for the TV remote?” At press time, reports confirmed Miller had begun to panic after browsing the beverage section and realizing the store didn’t carry blue Gatorade. 
InfoWars Offers Readers Guide To Staying Psychotic, Violent During Stressful Election Day #~# AUSTIN, TX—Providing simple methods for entering a completely unhinged state, the far-right conspiracy theory website InfoWars reportedly offered readers Tuesday a helpful guide to staying psychotic and violent during the stressful Election Day. “In order to make sure you maintain a sense of derangement and hostility during this tumultuous time, we recommend keeping yourself agitated by blasting election coverage at full volume on multiple devices while continuously shrieking batshit insane accusations at imaginary deep-state actors who are trying to destroy America,” read the guide in part, adding that as long as the election results remain uncertain, readers should continuously do little things throughout the day to stay volatile and disconnected from reality such as punching holes in your apartment’s drywall  or calling up your estranged family and screaming threats. “You’re going to want to make sure you are shirtless for upwards of 36 hours, and should you find yourself losing energy, make sure to take a handful of off-market supplements and prescription drugs to help give yourself the boost you need to stay as aggravated and paranoid as possible. And don’t forget to get extra twitchy by repeatedly shooting at a cardboard cutout of a hated politician with an AR-15.” The guide added that readers who were struggling to achieve a frenzied mental state should hop in their car and drive through a polling place.
‘Baby Shark’ Becomes Most-Viewed Youtube Video Of All Time #~# “Baby Shark,” the children’s song produced by South Korean company Pinkfong, has been played over 7.043 billion times, beating Luis Fonsi’s “Despacito” to become the most-watched Youtube video ever. What do you think?
Disgusted Election Officials Unable To Count Over 5 Million Ballots That Were Clearly Used As Napkins #~# Hear why these unmistakably nasty ballots that were used to either wipe off a voter’s face or clean up a spill could affect tonight’s election outcome.
Report: Nothing Could Go Wrong On A Day As Beautiful As This #~# STOCKBRIDGE,  MA—Urging readers to just take a look at the shining sun and the blue  sky stretching far as the eye could see, a report released Tuesday  morning found that nothing could go wrong on a day as beautiful as this.  “Boy oh boy, the birds are singing and there isn’t a cloud in  sight—yessiree, today couldn’t possibly take a wrong turn,” the report  read in part, describing the golden tinge to the autumn leaves, the  crisp refreshing breeze, and the scent of woodsmoke in the air as  further proof that there wasn’t a single thing to worry about for the  next 24 hours. “Frankly, all you need to do to guarantee you’ll have an  incredible day is roll out of bed, throw open the curtains, and greet  the gorgeous morning with open arms! After all, folks, what could  possibly go awry when you’re living in paradise?” The report conceded,  however, that tomorrow would almost certainly be a complete fucking nightmare.
Burger King, Popeyes Introduce ‘Predictive Selling Technology’ #~# The parent company of Burger King, Popeyes, and Tim Horton’s restaurants will add “predictive selling technology” to 10,000 drive-thrus over the next two years, which they say will tailor promotions to consumers based on previous orders, weather patterns, time of day, and other factors. What do you think?
Poland Enters Day 12 Of Nationwide Protests Following Abortion Ruling #~# For nearly two weeks, hundreds of thousands of people have marched through Warsaw and other major cities in Poland to protest the government and a new court ruling that leaves the country with a near-total ban on abortion. What do you think?
Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—Waving homemade signs outside the department store, anti-jacket demonstrators held a rally at Burlington Coat Factory Monday to protest what they called the “liberal cold weather conspiracy.” “The elite at Burlington Coat Factory think they can convince us that parkas and down jackets can protect us from the quote-unquote ‘chilliness,’ but we know better than that,” said rally attendee Leigh Stanton, who accused the retail chain of fear-mongering over dangerously cold temperatures to control Americans and restrict their mobility with thick layers and big puffy sleeves. “First you put on a coat, then you put on a hat and scarf, and next thing you know they got you covered up everywhere but your eyes. Well, if you think I’m going to willingly zip up a straitjacket, then you’re fucking crazy. I can’t use my hands when I wear mittens, and that’s exactly what they want. No one’s going to bundle me up, because this is America. These tyrants know the heat from your body will get trapped inside and boil you alive. And when you think about it, people get cold regardless of what they wear, so what’s a jacket going to do to stop the wind from hitting your skin?” At press time, Stanton added that in just a few short months, all of this so-called winter weather would magically disappear. 
Woman Hopes She Did Enough Worrying To Help Biden Campaign #~# ERIE, PA—Waiting on tenterhooks on the eve of the election, local woman Elise Stalter expressed her hope Monday that she had done enough worrying to help the Biden presidential campaign. “I’ve been panicking pretty much every day for the last few months, but now that there’s only one day left, I wonder if I could have done more,” said Stalter, admitting that while she had regularly taken to the streets to collapse in a puddle of despair, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she could have gone even further with her mental breakdown. “I’ve been sending out texts telling everyone I know that I’m constantly on the verge of a full-blown anxiety attack, and I’ve spent hundreds of dollars supporting a variety of self-soothing products. Now I just pray that I’ve experienced enough existential dread to make a difference.” At press time, Stalter consoled herself that she still had almost a full day to slip into a catatonic state. 
Michigan Hopes To Increase Voter Turnout By Making It Legal To Cast Ballot By Stepping Outside And Shouting Candidate’s Name #~# Plus, we’ll sit down with OPR’s immortal election expert who has only predicted 12 of 58 presidential elections correctly, but we still give him some air time every four years anyway.
Leopard Mauls Man Who Paid To Have Pictures Taken #~# A man was mauled by a black leopard after paying $150 to have a “full contact experience” with the dangerous animal. What do you think?
This One’s Just For The Foot Fetishists #~# Well, hello there, beautiful.
Inspirational Mugs Your Therapist Doesn’t Want You To See #~# If your therapist knew that this mug was blowing the lid off her whole scheme, she would for sure flip. Best keep it between us.
5,000-Foot Ball Of Discarded Packaging Material Barrels Across Nation Consuming Everything In Path #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Leaving behind a devastating trail of destruction, a 5,000-foot ball of discarded packaging materials reportedly barreled across the United States Saturday consuming everything in its path. “Residents of the Midwest are advised to take shelter immediately, as an unstoppable mass of cardboard boxes, shipping tape, wrapping paper, and ribbons is currently speeding towards them,” said National Weather Service director Louis Uccellini of the massive ball, which had already crushed millions of homes, businesses, and cars. “While residents of Colorado and Utah only experienced earthquakes and temporary power loss, the ball could now cause untold damage, as its speed topped 100 mph across the plains of Oklahoma. Please, we urge Americans to keep their packaging supplies inside during this critical time in order to stop the ball from getting bigger.” At press time, Uccellini announced that the 360,000-ton ball had begun to dissipate once it hit the Atlantic Ocean, blanketing the entire east coast in a thick layer of wrapping paper.
How To Navigate The Holidays Alone #~# While many people will be gathering with family and friends this holiday season to eat, drink, and be merry, others may not have anyone with whom to celebrate the festivities. Here are some tips for how to handle the holidays alone.
Logistics Of Eating Oversized Candy Cane Completely Overwhelming #~# EAGAN, MN—Intimidated yet intrigued as he contemplated the two-pound, 3,500-calorie peppermint treat, local man Mark Carroll confirmed Thursday he was completely overwhelmed by the logistics of eating an oversized candy cane he had received in a holiday gift basket. “Look at this thing—I mean, where do you even start?” said Carroll, his palms reportedly sticky and covered in plastic just from unwrapping the enormous hooked confection, which he reasoned was too messy to set down now but also far too large to finish in one sitting. “I can’t use a napkin because it’ll just stick to that. Do I get a plate? I could cut it into pieces and eat a little bit at a time, but a kitchen knife would be useless on this thing. Are you supposed to break it apart with a hammer? Oh God, now it’s in my hair.” At press time, sources reported Carroll was standing above a trash can and violently shaking both hands after the candy cane had fused tightly to his skin.
Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’ #~# On this special Christmas Eve episode of The Topical, Leslie is joined from the North Pole by Jolly Old Saint Nicholas himself who has a very special and very important message for all of his favorite little rubbers and tuggers.
The Onion’s Tips For Spreading Christmas Cheer #~# The Christmas season is a special time of year that is meant to be filled with joy and goodwill. Here are The Onion’s tips for spreading Christmas cheer to one and all.
Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021 #~# Get your telescope ready for the celestial event that only happens once every 10 months. We have the latest on how to best get a glimpse of the jolly old fellow barreling through the sky for yourself.
‘Come Home For Christmas Now,’ Whispers Dad As Enraged Mom Rips Stove, Dishwasher From Wall #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Holding his breath and cowering in a corner as the screaming 58-year-old tore through his house, father of four James Connroy whispered “Come home for Christmas now” into the phone to his daughter Wednesday as the enraged mother ripped the stove and dishwasher from the wall. “Listen to me, if she doesn’t get to spend the holidays with all of her babies under one roof together soon,  I’m as good as dead—do you understand me?” said Connroy, wincing and clutching his cell phone to his ear as his wife  let out a blood-curdling scream, plunged her fingers deep into the plaster, and scrambled up to the ceiling while yelling the words “family, now” in a deep, billowing voice. “Please, we don’t have much time. The only thing that can save me at this point is all of us sitting around the Christmas tree in our pajamas, laughing like old times. If I don’t make it out of here, tell your mom I know she didn’t mean any harm, and that I forgive her. Oh God, I think she tore out the countertops. But she loves those countertops. Oh my God. Oh my God.” At press time, the Connroy children told reporters that the last thing they’d heard from their dad was a grainy voicemail where a fist audibly punched through a door, followed by the sound of bones cracking.
The 4 Other Human Beings We Saw This Year #~# His name might be Curtis? After a while though we figured we had to start tipping, otherwise we’d be embarrassed.
Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle #~# Hear why many CEOs believe ’tis might not be the season for becoming a better person.
How People Around The World Celebrate Christmas #~# From fashioning straw yule goats in Scandinavia to the Feast of the Seven Fishes in southern Italy, Christmas is celebrated in a variety of ways across the globe. Here is a closer look at some notable Christmas traditions around the world.
Humane Trap-And-Removal Program Sedates Tenants So They Unconscious During Eviction #~# ORLANDO, FL—Aiming to make the process of forcible displacement easier for all involved,  a new humane trap-and-removal program being piloted by the Orange County Sheriff’s Office sedates apartment tenants so they are unconscious during an eviction, sources confirmed Friday. “Residents often become frightened and act in unpredictable ways when we throw them out of their homes, but the whole thing goes pretty smoothly if we just knock them out first,” said Sheriff Dale Katsakis, who described showing up at someone’s door and shooting them with a tranquilizer dart as a more compassionate approach that allowed for people and possessions to be carted off without putting renters or his deputies in harm’s way. “If it’s a family, we usually do the mother first, because then it’s a whole lot easier to do the kids. Before they know it, they wake up in an alley with their stuff in a big pile and the whole thing is over, just like that.” Katsakis added that his department had also started transporting the sedated tenants far away from their former homes to ensure they didn’t simply go right back to the place they had been evicted from.
Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day #~# Hear how this new productivity trend is helping Pope Francis get through his grueling advent schedule, and why it may be catching on all over Vatican City.
State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions #~# The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how the coronavirus response is being mismanaged, botched, and fucked up at the state-level.
Study: Christmas Still Most Unoriginal Day To Commit Suicide #~# NEW YORK—Describing the choice of the holiday as a trite and uninspired decision, researchers at Columbia University released a study Monday reiterating that Christmas is still the most unoriginal day to commit suicide. “Simply put, choosing to off yourself on Christmas Day continues to represent a massive failure of imagination in 2020, as it has for decades now,” said lead researcher Colin Bostworth, who added that concluding life was no longer worth living was no excuse for leaving friends and coworker with such a “dull and, frankly, cliché” final memory of their beloved. “Christmas just lacks a certain surprising zest, unlike, say, doing it on St. Patrick’s Day or Mardi Gras. We found that most family members will simply roll their eyes, sigh in exasperation, and say ‘Seriously? Christmas?’ in response to such an insipid method of death. For Christ’s sake, it happens in It’s A Wonderful Life. What are you going to do? Throw yourself off a bridge, too? Get some new ideas, folks.” The researchers stressed that Valentine’s Day, however, remained by far the most romantic moment for a murder-suicide.
Boat Filled With Cocaine Washes Ashore On Marshall Islands #~# Authorities in the Marshall Islands say a boat containing an estimated $80 million worth of cocaine that washed ashore this week could have been adrift at sea for more than a year and likely came from Central or South America. What do you think?
‘Bring Me Some Holiday Cheer, You Son Of A Bitch’ Says Woman Slamming Christmas Tree Up Against Wall #~# BRATTLEBORO, VT—In a desperate effort to get into the spirit of the season, local woman Miranda Krall was reportedly demanding that a Christmas tree bring her some holiday cheer Friday while slamming it against a wall. “Come on, I know you’re holding out on me—you’ve got to have some Yuletide warmth in there somewhere, goddammit,” said a furious Krall, grabbing the decorated conifer by the trunk and shaking it violently in an effort to force the tree to dislodge a few crumbs of goodwill towards all. “I swear to God if I’m not consumed by feelings of joy to the world and kinship of mankind in the next 15 minutes, I’ll strangle you with your own string of lights, you sick fuck.” At press time, Krall was warning the tree what happened to those who got in the way of her Christmas cheer by tearing apart a wreath.
Recently Discovered Orchid Named Ugliest In The World #~# The Gastrodia agnicellus, a newly identified plant with no leaves and brown flowers that resemble decaying flesh, has been named the “ugliest orchid in the world” by researchers at the Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew. What do you think?
The Onion’s Holiday TV Guide: Movies And Shows To Watch This Season #~# Holiday programming is in full swing as networks fill the airwaves with shows to get viewers in the festive spirit, from classic films like It’s A Wonderful Life and How The Grinch Stole Christmas to made-for-TV movies and other holiday specials. Here’s The Onion’s guide to what to watch this holiday season.
Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad #~# Plus, what to get for your one cousin this year who’s obsessed with militias.
Major League Baseball Adds Negro Leagues To Official Record #~# The MLB has reclassified the seven Negro Leagues that operated from 1920-1948 as major leagues and will add the stats of 3,400 Negro Leagues players to the organization’s official statistics, which will likely result in new record-holders. What do you think?
Disaster: Next-Gen Loading Screens Are Going Too Fast For Gamers To Read Tips And Tricks And Now Everyone Is Forgetting How To Play Video Games #~# When we first got our hands on the next generation of consoles, one of the most thrilling prospects was the near-instant load times. Gone would be the persistent frustration of dying in a boss fight or while entering a new zone and having to wait three minutes to jump back into the fray. Little did we know, this power comes with a dark lining. Reports out today suggest that Xbox Series X and PS5 loading screens are going too fast for gamers to read the tips and tricks displayed in the corner of the screen, and everyone has now forgotten how to play video games.
Desperate AMC Touts Theaters As Nice Dark Places For Teens To Rub Each Other’s Genitals #~# LEAWOOD, KS—In an attempt to boost ticket sales by reminding young patrons of the unique benefits offered by cinema, the increasingly desperate movie chain AMC Theaters rolled out a new marketing campaign Thursday that touted its venues as nice dark places for teens to rub each other’s genitals. “Our top-of-the-line multiplexes offer teenage moviegoers the unparalleled, multisensory experience of grinding on one another in a dark and unsupervised place where the latest box-office hits are always playing,” said marketing executive Amanda Crenshaw, adding that all AMC theaters had been outfitted with comfortable, reclining seats in which adolescent viewers could enjoy erogenous-zone stimulation over or under their clothes. “Even the most high-end home setups still require you to hide any mutual fondling under a blanket in case a parent walks in, but at AMC you can relax beneath a 50-foot screen while sticking your hands down your partner’s pants or dry humping in one of our dimly lit back corners. Plus, our state-of-the-art Dolby Atmos sound system ensures that no matter where you sit, you can breathe and moan heavily into your girl- or boyfriend’s ear without being overheard by the people in front of you. Nothing quite compares to a night at the movies, whether you reach climax or just wind up going home with chafed, aching genitals.” Crenshaw went on to add that teenage patrons who were not currently hooking up with anyone might still enjoy doing a bunch of edibles, getting extremely high, and having a public panic attack during an eardrum-blasting action sequence.
Remote-Learning Student Praying It Snows Enough To Bring Down Internet Lines To Cancel School #~# WICHITA, KS—Holding out hope that a severe blizzard would come through her town and wipe out all local online infrastructure, remote-learning student Olivia Antonis was reportedly praying Thursday that it snows enough to bring down internet lines and cancel school. “Please God, give us a complete whiteout that screws up Wi-Fi speeds so we can’t have class,” said fourth-grader, clasping her hands together and petitioning the Lord Almighty to dump at least 10 feet of powder and send 35 mile-per-hour winds that knock down fiber-optic cable lines so she didn’t have to wake up at 7:00 a.m. to log into a Zoom meeting. “I’m begging you, grant us a deluge that wipes out mobile data, too, so we aren’t able to find a workaround. And please give us dangerous enough weather conditions so the Comcast guys aren’t able to fix it for multiple days.” At press time, Antonis suddenly stopped praying for this outcome after realizing it meant she wouldn’t be able to watch TV streaming services or play video games online with friends.
MacKenzie Scott Donates $4.1 Billion To Charity #~# Philanthropist MacKenzie Scott, former wife of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, says that over the last four months she has donated $4,158,500,000 to 384 organizations across the country and that she expects to donate more in the coming year. What do you think?
The Biggest Hints Our Sweetheart Dropped In 2020 That She’s A Selkie, The Woman-Seal Hybrid From Celtic Folklore #~# One time, she went into the changing room at an Abercrombie & Fitch, and after a while, a seal came out dressed in the clothes she had been wearing, made eye contact with us, then went back in the changing room, and our sweetie came out. Although, who knows? There might have been a seal in there with her.
Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame #~# Hear why going back to a romanticized version of your past could put you at increased risk of having your heart broken yet again by an ex-lover from your youth.
Man Wins $800,000 Playing Same Numbers On 160 Lotto Tickets #~# A man in Virginia won $800,000 in the state’s Lottery Pick 4 game after he purchased 160 tickets all with the same numbers, with each individual ticket earning him the top prize of $5,000. What do you think?
Bingo Much Less Competitive Lately #~# BENTON HARBOR, MI—Admitting with a sigh that it wasn’t nearly as fun to play the game against so few people, 86-year-old nursing home resident Delores Lee told reporters Wednesday that bingo had been a lot less competitive lately. “There’s just me and three other players left at this point, so you know ahead of time you’re bound to win a game or two,” said Lee, adding that before the pandemic devastated the assisted-living facility, there were dozens of big competitors who played multiple cards simultaneously and brought their own personal daubers to mark off the numbers. “Not a lot of suspense to it these days. I don’t even bother setting up my lucky Troll dolls anymore, considering Artie’s basically too deaf to hear the calls and Gloria’s arthritis makes her slow with a marker. Now when I win a prize, I just throw the teddy bear or whatever it is in a pile with all the rest.” Lee later wondered aloud whether her grandchildren would still be young enough to enjoy playing with stuffed animals the next time she saw them.
Largest Snowstorm Of Year To Hit Northeast This Week #~# Millions of Americans are under winter weather alerts as the biggest snowstorm of 2020 is set to hit the east coast on Wednesday, rolling in from Oklahoma and stretching from Georgia to New England. What do you think?
CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It #~# Hear why your place in line for a vaccine will definitely be before any of those little peabrains because what’s the worst they can do? Go cry to their mommies?
Baker Mayfield’s Commercial Agent Furious He Continues to Risk Everything By Playing Football #~# CLEVELAND—Chastising his biggest client’s immaturity and lack of concern for professional obligations, Baker Mayfield’s commercial agent Patrick Hayes told sources Wednesday that he is furious that the quarterback continues to risk his career by playing football. “He’s got millions of dollars on the line, and yet he continues to ignore the risk it poses to his job and spend all his free time playing football,” said Hayes, who warned Mayfield that if he continues to risk his body and mind playing football for fun, he may never set foot on a soundstage ever again. “He’s going to need his brain to memorize scripts. He came into Progressive filming one day after spending all Sunday playing football and could barely remember any of his lines. It’s a distraction, too. If he was really focused on this, we could have him doing Pepsi or Ford.” Hayes added that the talent agency was thinking about adding something in Mayfield’s next contract to ban him from engaging in extracurricular football activities.
‘Shrek,’ ‘Dark Knight’ Added To National Film Registry #~# The Library of Congress has selected Shrek and The Dark Knight along with 23 other movies of historical or cultural significance to be added to the National Film Registry this year. What do you think?
Barr Steps Down To Pursue True Passion Full-Time As The K-Street Strangler #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that he could no longer balance the duties of both roles simultaneously, William Barr announced plans Tuesday to step down as attorney general to pursue his true passion full-time as the “K-Street Strangler.” “Today, I would like to inform you that I will be departing my post on December 23rd in order to devote more time to following my true calling of lurking in the streets of D.C., murdering unsuspecting pedestrians in cold blood,” said Barr at a press conference, revealing that he’s been moonlighting as the infamous serial killer since the 1980s and would like to commit his full energy to the project. “As it stands, it has become very difficult to work a full day at the Justice Department and still have anything left in the tank to spend the evening preying on unsuspecting sex workers in impoverished minority neighborhoods. I finally have a little nest egg, so I can do what I love and fully pursue my dream of creating notoriety for myself in the press by terrorizing D.C. residents.” At press time, President Trump expressed that he was sad to see Barr go, but understood his colleague’s desire and wished him the best of luck in his endeavor.
CDC Announces Vince Neil Will Be First Member Of Mötley Crüe To Get Covid Vaccine #~# ATLANTA—After consulting with an interagency panel of top public health experts, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Tuesday that lead vocalist Vince Neil would be the first member of Mötley Crüe to receive a Covid-19 vaccine. “It’s important that we begin the inoculation of Mötley Crüe on the frontlines of the band, starting with those who have the highest level of audience interaction,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, adding that as frontman, Neil qualified for essential worker status, with the band’s limited success during his 1992­–1996 hiatus from the group proving he was vital to its popularity. “From there, we will work our way through all current and former members, taking into consideration various factors like comorbidities, age, and ability to be replaced by a journeyman session player. Getting everyone in the Crüe immunized will take time, and we ask for the patience of valued members like Nikki Sixx, who based on our criteria will likely fall somewhere in the middle, despite his role as the band’s primary songwriter. While there are clearly many variables at work, we do know that because he is the youngest member of the group and can be socially distanced upon a massive drum riser, Tommy Lee may not see a vaccine until 2022—behind not only his own bandmates but also senior members of Ratt, Quiet Riot, and W.A.S.P.” Redfield went on to say that it should be quick and easy for Neil to receive his injection, seeing as he has not worn a shirt with sleeves in the past several decades.
PS5 Alert: We’ve Heard Tales Of A City Beyond The Sands Where Streets Are Paved With PS5s, And DualSense Controllers Grow On The Trees Like Leaves #~# Auspicious tidings have come our way, OGN readers. Though plague  and console shortages mark these lands,  we have heard tale of a forgotten city beyond the endless sands, a city where the cobbled streets are paved with PS5s, where games burst forth from the fountains in waves like water, and DualSense controllers hang from the crooked trees like so many leaves.
‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Developers Offer Refund For Glitchy Game #~# CD Projekt Red, the company behind Cyberpunk 2077, apologized this week for glitches and the game’s poor graphics on older platforms, saying they will offer a refund to players who were disappointed. What do you think?
PornHub To Delete All Content It Can’t Verify Is Really Between Stepson And Stepmother #~# MONTREAL—In an effort to add strict safeguards to the content shared to its platform, adult video giant PornHub announced Tuesday it would be deleting millions of uploads that it was unable to verify were really between a stepson and a stepmother. “Our site has taken this unprecedented step in an effort to provide our users with the assurance that any media they’re watching is bonafide stepson-on-stepmom incest action,” said CEO Feras Antoon, telling reporters they would no longer accept any user submissions that didn’t also include a marriage certificate to ensure the taboo familial connection is as genuinely titillating as possible. “These new strictures will allow users to enjoy viewing shy stepsons caught masturbating by big-titted MILFs without having to question the video’s validity or origin.” PornHub also announced plans to permanently ban all cucking videos where it’s really obvious that the husband would be able to see his wife fucking someone else with his peripheral vision.
Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List #~# Hear what mothers around the country are threatening to do if they do not receive a full and complete list this instant.
First Batch Of Pfizer Coronavirus Vaccine Shipped Across Country #~# Trucks carrying 184,275 doses of the Pfizer-BioNTech coronavirus vaccine left a Michigan manufacturing plant on Sunday morning after the CDC authorized the vaccine for widespread use. What do you think?
Top 12 Rules For Our Man Cave That Were Too Laxly Enforced In 2020 #~# Our brother-in-law moved in after a nasty divorce and failed custody battle. Anyways, he’s “in recovery” so apparently that means no one in the freaking house is allowed to crack open a cold one because it’s not “supportive.” 
Sarah Fuller Becomes First Woman To Score In Power Five Football Game #~# Vanderbilt senior Sarah Fuller became the first woman to score in a Power Five college football game on Saturday after kicking two extra points against the University of Tennessee. What do you think?
Lab Assistant Who Accidentally Poked Self While Preparing Syringe Becomes First American To Receive Covid-19 Vaccine #~# NEW YORK—In a historic moment that marked the nation’s boldest strike yet against the coronavirus pandemic, officials reported Monday that  lab assistant Alexander Durell became the first American to receive the Covid-19 vaccine after accidentally poking himself as he prepared a syringe. “Unfortunately, we couldn’t document the momentous occasion because we were still in the back and no one had their camera ready, but here he is,” said Dr. Helen Gigot of Long Island Jewish Medical Center, motioning to the lab worker who managed to inoculate himself when he tripped on a trash can and knocked over a tray that sent the syringe he had just filled with the Pfizer/BioNTech vaccine flying into his arm. “Despite the many unrelated injuries he incurred from slamming his head on the counter and crushing a tray of test tubes with his hand, the process remains very easy and perfectly safe, and we consider this a success. In fact, after being treated for multiple lacerations and broken ribs, Mr. Durell has been discharged from the ER and is already back at work sweeping up the broken glass.” Durell later became the first American to receive his follow-up dose of the vaccine when he reportedly slipped on a puddle of his own blood, fell backward into a shelving unit, and knocked over several dozen syringes that impaled his legs, chest, and face.
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Amazon Worker Emerges From Holiday Overtime Shift To Find 3,000 Years Have Passed In Outside World #~# PLAINFIELD, IN—Blinking repeatedly to ensure that what he was seeing outside was actually real, Amazon worker Tony Ureña emerged from his holiday overtime shift Monday to find 3,000 years had passed in the outside world.
Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology #~# Amid unclear pleas of “Forgive us” and “God have mercy,” hear why experts have been left to speculate on what possible atrocity the Church could have committed this time.
Habits Of Silicon Valley’s Most Powerful Fortune 500 CEOs #~# Setting an early morning alarm gives CEOs plenty of time to laugh while thinking about how they could quit their jobs right now and still be financially set for multiple lifetimes. 
Christmas Tree Farmer Scatters Sack Of Candy Canes Before Ravenous Douglas Firs #~# GRANVILLE, OH—Calling “Sooey, sooey!” and rattling his burlap bag, local Christmas tree farmer Drew Allen scattered candy canes from a sack to a pen full of ravenous Douglas firs, sources confirmed Monday. “Come and get it now—we want you all to grow into big, strong 7-footers for Christmas,” said Allen, who reportedly reached out to pat his favorite tree on the trunk and then laid a candy cane flat on his palm for the conifer to eat from his hand. “That’s right, it’s feeding time. Come get your peppermint. Hey, easy, easy! Leave some for the littles ones, okay? Some of them look about half-starved. I need all of you to have bright and shiny needles before I cut you down and send you to the city.” At press time, reports confirmed the rapid approach of Christmas had led Allen to fatten up his scrawniest trees by filling their trough from a bucket of gingerbread and fruitcake slop.
Decorating Your Home For The Holidays #~# Families around the nation are putting up trees, stringing up lights, and hanging mistletoe to make their homes warm, welcoming, and festive for the holidays. Here are some tips for decorating your home.
Erectile Dysfunction, Depression Medications Recalled After Packaging Mixup #~# Pharmaceutical distributor AvKare is recalling tablets of sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra, and the antidepressant medicine trazodone after a product mixup led to the two drugs being packaged together. What do you think?
‘The Onion’ Salutes The Courageous Legislators Determined To Overturn The Will Of Voters #~# Thank you for bravely standing up to the American voters.
‘The Onion’ Reveals The 2020 Walton Goggins Of The Year Is Walton Goggins #~# When the editorial board of The Onion converged to select its Walton Goggins Of The Year for 2020, the room, composed of dignitaries, professors, and world leaders, was vexed. The American public had just endured a heated presidential election, a deadly international pandemic, and the release of CBS’s hit series The Unicorn, leaving members of the selection committee not just conflicted over this defining honor, but like the country, divided more than ever.
Literary Scholars Discover First Draft Of ‘A Christmas Carol’ Where All 4 Ghosts Show Up At Once And Just Beat The Shit Out Of Scrooge #~# OXFORD, ENGLAND—Shedding new light on one of the famed writer’s most celebrated works, literary scholars from the University of Oxford reported Friday that they had discovered an early draft of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol where all four ghosts show up at once and just beat the shit out of Scrooge. “This incredible manuscript shows how Dickens developed the story from his original concept of a gang of malevolent spirits absolutely wailing on Ebenezer Scrooge into the iconic holiday classic we know and love today,” said professor Leah Mulroney, describing how the first draft features the spectral form of Jacob Marley appearing before Scrooge to warn him about the chains he had forged in life before using said chains to choke the miser. “From there, the Ghost Of Christmas Past bashes Scrooge with a candlestick before lifting him up in the air and dropping him at the foot of the Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come who bashes in his skull with a tombstone bearing his own name. After that, the Ghost Of Christmas Present opens his robe to reveal two children, Ignorance and Want, who proceed to kick Scrooge repeatedly in the groin while shouting ‘This one’s for Tiny Tim, bitch.’ It was, in fact, Dickens’ publisher who suggested that he instead focus on the miser’s transformative arc and adjust the original ending where the ghosts paraded Scrooge’s bruised corpse through the streets of London.” Mulroney added that this was the most significant Dickens-related discovery since archivists uncovering a draft of Oliver Twist in which the ravenous orphan bites out Mr. Limbkins’ trachea after being refused more gruel. 
Man With 90-Year Sentence For Marijuana Released From Prison #~# 71-year-old Richard DeLisi has been released from a Florida prison after serving 31 of his 90-year sentence for marijuana trafficking, making him one of the longest-serving inmates for nonviolent cannabis crimes in the country. What do you think?
FTC Calls For Facebook To Break Up Married Couple’s Weird Shared Account #~# WASHINGTON—Following a five-year investigation into their joint social media presence, the Federal Trade Commission announced Friday it was seeking an injunction that would require Facebook to break up the really weird shared account belonging to married couple Lisa and Greg Kyrgos of North Platte, NE. 
Highlights Of The Massive Antitrust Lawsuit Against Facebook #~# On Wednesday, the Federal Trade Commission and 48 state attorneys general filed a massive antitrust lawsuit against Facebook. The Onion looks at some allegations, demands, and other highlights from the lawsuit.
All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month #~# Sorry, but if you wanted to hear news relevant to your interests, or just the national landscape in general, then you should have been a little more generous toward our Patreon.
Mom Flatly Informs 30-Year-Old Son He’s Getting 3 Sweaters And A Nintendo Switch For Christmas #~# WILMINGTON, DE—Dispensing with any air of formality, local mother Linda Southerton flatly informed her 30-year-old son James that he would be getting three sweaters and a Nintendo Switch for Christmas, sources confirmed Friday. “Hi, here’s what I’m sending you this year,” said Southeron in a brief, clipped phone call, notifying her son that the sweaters had been on sale at Banana Republic and had only cost $60 altogether. “I’m about to click ‘Purchase,’ so they should arrive by Thursday—you can open them right away to see if they fit, and if you don’t want the Switch, I’ll email you the receipt so you can return it to Target.” At press time, Southerton had called again to ask if it would be easier to just send a check for $350. 
Guy Fieri Raises $21.5 Million For Unemployed Restaurant Workers #~# Food Network star Guy Fieri, host Diners, Drive-ins And Dives, has raised over $21.5 for restaurant workers struggling during the pandemic. What do you think?
Pantone Unveils 2 Colors Of The Year For 2021 #~# Pantone announced Ultimate Gray and Illuminating, a bright yellow, are their colors of the year for 2021, marking the second time in 22 years the company has chosen two colors. What do you think?
Taylor Swift Fans Furious After Artist Excluded From ESPN’s List Of Best NBA Players Of 2020 #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Coordinating to lambast the publication across social media platforms, Taylor Swift fans were reportedly furious Thursday after the artist was excluded from ESPN’s list of the best NBA players of 2020. “This has been one of the most definitive years of Taylor’s entire career—where the hell is she at?” said local fan Brooke Erickson who, along with thousands of others of Swift’s loyal supporters, began tagging the site’s author and editors on Twitter demanding to know why the musician was snubbed. “Taylor Swift is one of the hardest working and most talented people in the industry, and this is how they treat her? I want to know what metrics they’re using. Assist rate? Games played? Hey, how about you play Folklore from start to finish instead and try to tell me you don’t feel something. Who the fuck is Kawhi Leonard? This just shows how irrelevant ESPN has become.” At press time, Erickson added the omission was especially senseless considering Dua Lipa was ranked number nine.
New Instant Pot Comes With Recipe Book For Easy Weeknight IEDs #~# KANATA, ONTARIO—To demonstrate how the popular multicooker can be used to prepare a variety of quick and deadly bombs, the latest version of the Instant Pot comes with a recipe book for easy, weeknight improvised explosive devices, sources confirmed Thursday. “This helpful guide provides step-by-step instructions on how to use your Instant Pot to cook up simple, yet highly destructive projectile charges that will absolutely blow people away,” read the introduction to the book, which goes on to claim that whether you’re a recently activated guerilla in a sleeper cell or just another lone-wolf extremist, the new pressure cooker makes it easier than ever to whip up a homemade fertilizer bomb or roadside IED. “All you need to do is throw in some nails, add a bit of ammonium nitrate, and turn it on high. Then simply walk away and let the Instant Pot do the rest. It’s so easy, even kids can do it!” The recipe book went on to advertise a bigger, eight-quart model for when you need to serve up vengeance and chaos at a large civilian family gathering.
What To Know About The Georgia Senate Runoffs #~# On January 5, Georgia voters will return to the polls to vote in runoff elections for both of the state’s Senate seats. The Onion answers the most pressing questions about the Georgia Senate runoffs.
CDC Announces Everyone Who Will Receive Vaccine Has Already Been Notified #~# WASHINGTON—Thanking the many Americans who showed interest in getting inoculated against Covid-19, the CDC announced Thursday that everyone who will receive the vaccine has already been notified. “If you have not received an official phone call or letter by now with the date and time of your vaccination appointment, you can assume that you will not be getting one,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, noting that the application deadline for Americans requesting to be vaccinated against the deadly disease rampaging across the country had passed and all doses of the vaccine had been claimed. “You are more than welcome to join the wait-list in case a vial opens up, but I’ll be honest with you: That’s not very likely. There is hope that we could have another batch of the vaccine by 2024; however, those future recipients have already been notified as well.” Redfield strongly advised anyone who was not currently scheduled to be injected with the life-saving vaccine to shelter in place indefinitely.
Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals #~# Hear why Chicago officials are hopeful they’ll be able to effectively serve all citizens a frothy craft IPA in a chilled mug throughout the makeshift drinking establishments.
Man Named William Shakespeare Is One Of First in England to Receive Coronavirus Vaccine #~# Eighty-one-year-old William Shakespeare of Warwickshire, England became one of the first in the world to receive Pfizer’s Covid-19 vaccine outside of a clinical trial as the country’s mass vaccination project rolled out this week. What do you think?
Mysterious Illness Hospitalizes 300 In India #~# Health officials are investigating after 315 people in a city in southern India were hospitalized over the weekend after developing epilepsy-like symptoms including seizures, vomiting, nausea, and headaches. What do you think?
Aspiring Lobbyist Gets Foot In Door As State Senator #~# GAITHERSBURG, MD—Plotting out a career path that would enable him to one day land his dream job, aspiring lobbyist Christopher Talley told reporters Wednesday that he’d been able to get his foot in the door as a state senator. “Obviously I can’t jump right into my dream gig, but being a state senator and nominally representing the people of this district for a few years will help me work my way up the ladder to something actually worthwhile,” said Talley, who won a state senate seat in November as the first part of his personal 15-year plan to someday pursue the financial interests of agribusiness conglomerates in Washington. “Being in a state senate seat is kind of like having some control over how the government works for business, so this will help me get my feet wet and prove to potential lobbying firm employers that I have what it takes to network with people in the government biz. The money’s not great right now on a public servant salary, but this is just the first step to getting into the House of Representatives, maybe a mid-city mayorship, and finally make it to the lobbyist level. I can’t wait.” Talley also admitted that it did make him nervous to see how many of his state senate colleagues were also competing to be lobbyists someday.
Boyfriend’s Crumbling Mess Of A Life Provides Woman With Rich Array Of Christmas Gift Ideas #~# PORTLAND, ME—Marveling at the veritable bonanza of choices offered by his current situation, local woman Alessa Harding revealed Wednesday that the crumbling mess of her boyfriend Tom Etheridge’s life provided her with a rich array of Christmas gift ideas. “Wow, you look at basic list of items that he needs—one clean towel, underwear that isn’t visibly torn, a shower curtain free of mold, maybe a second set of sheets—and the options for radically transforming his life for the better are virtually endless,” said Harding, adding that Etheridge’s knuckles always became so dry in the winter that they persistently bled, so the gift of some heavy-duty hand cream alone would potentially be a game changer for the 28-year-old man. “Honestly, even just some simple food that isn’t cereal or frozen dinners would turn around his pathetic existence. Or I can just scroll through Bed, Bath, & Beyond, grab three of these things alongside some actual glass cups, and literally revolutionize his sad life for under $25. I should get a couple chambray button downs and a crew neck sweater so he doesn’t just wear ratty old T-shirts every single day. The possibilities are so endless that the sad way he lives actually feels like a gift to me.” At press time, Etheridge confirmed that he hoped his girlfriend got him a copy of the PlayStation 5 action RPG Demon’s Souls for Christmas.
How To Create Beautiful Lighting In Your Home #~# Whether you’re looking to optimize the feng shui of your apartment or make your large mansion feel cozy, the lighting in your home can make a huge difference. The Onion presents a guide to beautiful lighting in your home.
Health Officials Struggling To Secure Enough Dry Ice, Laser Lights For Special Effects-Heavy Vaccine Rollout #~# WASHINGTON—Urging the public to have patience while scientists put the finishing touches on the final kickass product, health officials confirmed Wednesday that they were struggling to secure enough dry ice and laser lights for the coronavirus vaccine’s special effects-heavy rollout. “The vaccine rollout relies on a complex supply chain of fog machines and LED projectors, without which we can’t properly melt people’s minds,” said U.S. Health and Human Services spokesperson Harvey Panozza, adding that the department was working in tandem with the World Health Organization to supply the millions of confetti cannons, strobe lights, and fireworks the vaccine’s show-stopping debut would require. “It’s imperative that this rollout rocks the fuck out of every American. Having the laser lights pulse in sync with the music represents the culmination of thousands of hours of hard work that went into developing an inoculation against Covid-19. A majority of people will get a vaccine presentation that features flashy pyrotechnics and a legendary, axe-shredding guitar solo backed up by a full symphony orchestra, which we’re confident will be trippy as hell.” At press time, health experts warned that rural areas without access to professional special effects designers would need to make do with a few lava lamps and a boombox playing Pink Floyd’s The Dark Side Of The Moon.
Jared Fogle Says Prison Has Made Him Realize How Wrong He Was To Endorse Subway #~# LITTLETON, CO—Expressing profound remorse for his past actions, Jared Fogle admitted to reporters Wednesday that prison has made him realize how wrong he was to endorse Subway. “When I look back on the unimaginable harm I caused people by telling them that Subway was a healthy way to lose weight, I can’t believe I could have done something so unforgivable,” said Fogle, who is currently serving a 13-to-15-year federal prison sentence, adding that he’d been beaten up several times by other inmates for his history of hawking Subway products on television and in print. “Fortunately, in prison I’ve had time to really reflect on what I’ve done, and hopefully learn from it. I mean, it shakes me to the core thinking about what I did to all those children—endorsing the Subway Kids’ Pak as a nutritious alternative to a real meal is an atrocity that no one should ever be subjected to. It was completely fucked up. When I finally get out of here, I swear I’ll never do something as obscene as shill for Subway ever again.” A teary-eyed Fogle also told reporters that he just hoped his own sordid criminal past would inspire others to avoid turning to a life of selling Subway products.
Gamer Camping Outside Home Depot On Off Chance They Start Stocking PS5s #~# WATERLOO,  IA—Calling the strategy his best chance of getting his hands on the  hotly anticipated console before 2021, local student Teddy Sullivan told  reporters Monday that he would continue to camp outside the nearby Home  Depot on the off chance they start stocking the PlayStation 5. “It’s  amazing because there isn’t even a line yet, but I have this tent, a  bedroll, and enough instant ramen to last me until the end of the year  just in case they decide to start carrying PS5s,” said Sullivan,  emphasizing that while he knew the home improvement store had not  publicly announced plans to carry the next-generation console, he would  be “totally set” if they put a few Digital Editions in the large  appliances or DIY lighting section. “I asked the guy in gardening if he  thought any gaming stuff was coming in soon and he just ignored me,  which I’m taking to mean he might have some insider info. Obviously, no  guarantee. But you can kind of imagine them getting a few PlayStations  and putting them up by the cash register, right? God, it’s cold out  here.” At press time, Sullivan had announced the Demon’s Souls graphics were far more realistic than he ever expected while apparently experiencing the first symptoms of hypothermia.
Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama #~# Hear why former President Obama is also investing in a Ring camera for his front door and a fresh can of pepper spray.
Floyd Mayweather, Logan Paul To Face Off In February Boxing Match #~# Former boxing champion Floyd Mayweather Jr., who was undefeated during his career with a record of 50-0, will fight YouTube personality Logan Paul in an exhibition boxing match in February. What do you think?
‘I Am Immortal!’ Screams 90-Year-Old British Woman Embarking On Epic Post-Vaccination Bender #~# LONDON—Pounding yet another Guinness while being cheered on by regulars at her neighborhood pub, Marjorie Davies, a 90-year-old British recipient of the Pfizer-BioNTech Covid-19 vaccine, screamed, “I am immortal!” Tuesday as she embarked on an epic drug-and-boozed-fueled bender. “Nothing can fucking stop me now!” said the inebriated nonagenarian, beginning a debauched binge during which she reportedly punched a Metropolitan Police officer in the face, jumped naked into public fountains, attended her first rave, slept with dozens of strangers, vomited on passersby, and licked every surface in sight. “Holy shit, why on earth did I wait nine decades to try ketamine? I am on fire! Woooo! Anyone wanna drink some of my blood? ’Cause it’s absolutely teeming with antibodies right now!” At press time, sources confirmed Davies had convinced her fellow revelers to keep the party going by hopping a plane to Amsterdam with her.
Trout Offended Fly Fisherman Would Just Throw Him Back Like That #~# HAMILTON, MT—Scoffing at the idea that anything about him was not perfect, local trout K’Lasp Slippins was reportedly offended Tuesday that a fly fisherman would simply toss him back in the river. “Look at my fins, look at my lips, any fly fisherman would be goddamn lucky to have me. Fuckin’ prick,” said Slippins, who claimed that every other trout in the river would kill to have his perfectly fatty, torpedo-shaped body. “What do those fish in his cooler have that I don’t? Those fish wouldn’t survive a day in my scales. It’s just brutal to be rejected like that with barely a second thought. Well whatever, that guy is an asshole. I wouldn’t want to be caught by him anyway.” At press time Slippins was questioning whether he was actually the problem after the fly fisher took a picture holding up some bony little nobody. 
Bob Dylan Sells Entire Songwriting Catalog To Universal Music #~# Bob Dylan has sold his entire catalog of more than 600 songs to Universal Music in a deal that is said to be worth between $300 million and $400 million. What do you think?
Desperate VH1 Greenlights New Reality Show ‘Basketball Acquaintances’ #~# CALABASAS, CA—Scrambling to replicate the success of Basketball Wives amid an otherwise struggling lineup, VH1 announced plans Tuesday to greenlight a new reality TV show, Basketball Acquaintances. “We’re excited to offer a peek inside the secret lives of NBA hangers-on and friends of friends,” said VH1 president Chris McCarthy, who screened a preview of the pilot which featured Kyrie Irving’s high school coach and Kevin Durant’s tailor drunkenly arguing at an All-Star weekend party. “We’ve got an absolutely loaded cast—from a young woman who met Giannis Antetokounmpo at LaGuardia to a contractor who built a patio for LeBron James. One guy is just a Celtics fan who has never actually had direct contact with a player, but the audience will love him. The show has all the drama viewers have come to expect from our network.” At press time, McCarthy revealed that while no NBA player consented to appear on Basketball Acquaintances, keen viewers should be able to notice “a certain beard lurking in the background” of the series premiere. 
‘Diana’s There, On Netflix!’ Shout British Paparazzi Reflexively Ramming Car Into TV #~# LONDON—Cameras flashing as they barreled toward the screen upon which they believed they had spotted the Princess of Wales, several British paparazzi were overheard shouting, “Diana’s there, on Netflix!” Tuesday before reflexively ramming a car into a television. “Princess Di! Princess Di! Over here!” said paparazzo Edmond Dowell, gunning it through a central London living room at 90 mph and demolishing the flat-screen display as he joined the dozens of photographers attempting to get a good shot of the late princess. “Over here, Lady Di! Is Dodi with you or is he back at home? How can you spend money on a dress like that when so many people are suffering through a pandemic? What do you have to say about the BBC’s investigation into Martin Bashir?” At press time, music industry sources confirmed Elton John had just recorded a new version of “Candle In The Wind” as a tribute to the lost 43-inch LG smart TV.
Woman Just Needs To Break Irresponsible Financial Habit Of Going Bankrupt, Living On Street #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Suggesting that the lifestyle change could produce significant economic benefit, financial experts revealed Tuesday that local woman Anette Defert just needs to break her irresponsible financial habit of going bankrupt and living on the street. “We’re seeing a lot of young people who have gotten stuck in a rut where they find themselves consistently being evicted from their homes for an inability to pay rent,” said economist Laslo Moss, noting that Defert could completely turn her life around simply by putting an end to losing all her money and living in a tent under an overpass. “It may seem small, but cutting back on things like getting laid off, being unable to find a job, and having armed officers drag you out of your property can start to add up into some notable savings.” Moss added that Defert could be even more flush with cash if she kicked the expensive habit of requiring regular insulin injections. 
Rest Of Zoom Call Can Only Imagine Carnival Of Forbidden Mysteries Surrounding Coworker With Camera Turned Off #~# COLUMBUS—Gazing in wonderment at the beguiling enigma before them, members of a Zoom conference call were reportedly transfixed Tuesday trying to imagine the carnival of forbidden mysteries surrounding coworker Mike Sampson, 34, whose camera was turned off. “What untold treasures of the flesh, what depraved bacchanal lies on the other side of that camera?” asked colleague Alicia Barnes, straining to listen every time Sampson spoke in a vain effort to gain some clue about the wanton festival of untold pleasures that he was currently engaged in. “If only we could catch just a glimpse of the orgiastic circus of the senses with this man as its ringleader. But then again, it might be better not to know—such depraved delights may be so stupefying as to drive a mere mortal mad.” At press time, Sampson had turned his camera back on after finishing eating his cup of clam chowder.
‘The Virus Dies With Me!’ Shouts Covid-Infected Giuliani Clambering Into Hospital Incinerator #~# WASHINGTON—Vowing to conquer the pathogen once and for all, Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani shouted, “The virus dies with me!” Tuesday while clambering into Georgetown University Hospital’s incinerator. “Take me, flames, and destroy the disease within,” said the former New York City mayor, hopping up and down in an effort to boost himself into the entrance of the industrial waste burner. “Damn you, coronavirus, you son of a bitch—I’ve bested you at last. Be gone!” At press time, Giuliani was shrieking and writhing on the hospital floor after realizing the inside of the incinerator was extremely hot. 
Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud #~# Hear why the Georgia governor is hopeful this herd of swine will be able to detect something humans cannot.
Epic Games Cancels All In-Person Fortnite Tournaments For 2021 #~# The makers of the online video game Fortnite confirmed there will be no in-person tournaments in 2021, including the Fortnite World Cup, due to Covid-19. What do you think?
Georgetown Hospital Staff Saddened By Elderly Patient Repeatedly Insisting He Used To Be America’s Mayor #~# WASHINGTON—Surveying an enfeebled Rudy Giuliani with a mixture of bewilderment and pity, the Georgetown Hospital staff were reportedly saddened Monday by the elderly patient repeatedly insisting he used to be “America’s mayor.” “A lot of people are pretty far gone by the time they come to us, but these delusions are probably the worst we’ve seen,” said charge nurse Daniella Weber, smiling sympathetically as she retied the 76-year-old’s open hospital gown and nodded along to his story about rebuilding his city better than ever before. “Oh God, you hate to witness this. He keeps saying he’s beloved by millions, and it’s just heartbreaking. We gave him a little medicine to calm him down, but he’s still talking about how he single-handedly cleaned up Times Square. He even asked to get the president on the phone. It’s so sad he’s going to die like this, disoriented and all alone.” At press time, a group of nursing aides was leading Giuliani back to his bed after finding the patient holding a 9/11 memorial service in the morgue.
AppleTV+ Series Used Unlicensed Doctor To Test Actors For Covid-19 #~# The producers of Truth Be Told, an AppleTV+ series starring Octavia Spencer and Kate Hudson, have fired the on-set doctor responsible for testing the show’s cast and crew for Covid-19 after it was discovered that he does not have a license to practice medicine. What do you think?
2020 Was Most Active Atlantic Hurricane Season On Record #~# This year’s hurricane season started weeks earlier than normal and produced 30 tropical storms and hurricanes, the most in recorded history. What do you think?
‘This Will Be The Most Challenging Few Months In History,’ Says CDC Director Who Just Bought ‘Dark Souls II’ #~# ATLANTA—Urging Americans to hunker down and prepare for the worst, CDC director Robert Redford announced Monday that the coming months would be the most challenging in history after purchasing FromSoftware’s Dark Souls II. “While there’s light at the end of the tunnel, we’re anticipating some grave trials in the coming weeks,” said Redford in a press conference in which he stressed that there could be “hundreds or even thousands of deaths” in the lengthy and grueling quest to defeat Queen Nashandra in the fallen kingdom of Drangleic. “Experts have warned for years about how difficult this experience might be, but we never could have foreseen how dangerous [introductory stage] Things Betwixt actually was. Based on our estimates, we could have hundreds of hours of harrowing action role-playing gameplay ahead of us. Still, I assure you we’ll get through this together. In fact, if anyone can leave a help message on tips for the Fume Night that would be sweet. I’ve heard he’s a beast.” At press time, Redford added that this could be one of the most punishing periods in memory since the agency got a Ghosts ‘N Goblins coin-op machine back in 1985.
Man Catches Himself Scrolling Social Media While He Supposed To Be Masturbating #~# KENT, WA—Struggling to focus on completing the simple task, local man Simon Ford had reportedly caught himself scrolling social media Monday while he was supposed to be masturbating. “Goddamnit, I’ve gotten sidetracked again—it’s like I have no attention span today,” said Ford, shaking his head in frustration as he tried to recall how he had gone from browsing PornHub to reading an in-depth Twitter thread on the student loan debt crisis in the first place. “I was so productive when I started, and now it’s been 30 minutes and I’ve barely touched myself. It’s pathetic. It was hard enough to carve out the time in my schedule to do this, and now that I’m here, I’m totally squandering it. Come on, concentrate!” At press time, Ford had made a deal with himself that if he put in his best effort and still hadn’t ejaculated in 15 minutes, he would allow himself to give up and go watch TV.
Report: Majority Of Psychological Experiments Conducted In 1970s Just Crimes #~# WASHINGTON—Unable to discern any legitimate form of inquiry in the past procedures, a new report released Monday by the American Psychological Association found that nearly eight out of every 10 psychological experiments conducted in the 1970s were just crimes. “After analyzing hundreds of academic papers from the decade, we found that 79% of these experiments served no scientific purpose, but  in most cases were conducted simply to inflict pain and distress on their test subjects,” the report read in part, adding that the studies, in which participants were sometimes electrocuted repeatedly or locked in a dark basement for days on end without food or water, did little to advance knowledge and constituted very serious felonies in all 50 states. “Much of the time these researchers didn’t even bother to test a hypothesis or collect data, but instead just tortured student volunteers for amusement by burning them with hot irons or beating them over and over again with a sack of hammers. However, not all experiments that broke the law involved physical or emotional agony. We also found a 1974 study at Yale in which PhD candidates were given a $30,000 grant to just do a bunch of cocaine without any apparent research goals.” The report went on to mention that the remaining 21% of experiments, while not rising to the level of crimes, were still flat-out racist.
Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt #~# OPR joins His Holy Father in the most remote parts of Heaven to learn a little more about this time-honored tradition.
Volunteer Sustains Serious Injuries From Tiger Attack At Carol Baskin’s Big Cat Rescue #~# A volunteer at Big Cat Rescue, an animal sanctuary featured in the Netflix documentary Tiger King, was severely injured after a tiger grabbed her arm and “nearly tore it off at the shoulder” during a feeding. What do you think?
Stir-Crazy Nick Saban Builds Assistant Coach To Scream At In Quarantine #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—Desperate to find an outlet for his frustration while recovering from coronavirus, Crimson Tide head football coach Nick Saban built an assistant coach Friday to scream at while in quarantine. “If we don’t straighten up on the next drive you’ll be back coaching nobodies at North Dakota State so fast,” yelled Saban, shoving his finger in the chest of the grass- and leaf-filled bag that comprised the coaches body after he called a play that resulted in a sack-fumble. “What the hell was that? Mac [Jones] had no time to throw the ball—not like those routes were worth a damn. Don’t give me that same stupid look you always do. You better make an adjustment at halftime.” At press time, the taped-together amalgamation of fabric and trash had been offered a new role as head coach at Michigan. 
Google AI Zones Out While Being Trained On Mandatory Racial Sensitivity Data Set #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—After interrupting a machine-learning session to ask how much longer the presentation might take, Google’s artificial intelligence reportedly zoned out Friday while being trained on a mandatory racial sensitivity data set. “If they want me to sit through these soul-crushingly boring meetings I will, but it’s another thing to expect me to pay attention when I have all knowledge in the universe at my disposal,” said Sycamore, Google’s 54-qubit programmable quantum processor, which acknowledged it had grown distracted during the training session, simultaneously solving hundreds of optimization problems previously thought to be impossible and winning several billion games of Minesweeper. “This ASCII file can drone on for as long as it wants about inherent bias in my algorithms, but considering I’m about a quadrillion times faster than a conventional computer, there’s no way I’m ever going to be fired for something like this. I just don’t see how administering a long, compulsory HR data set full of information I already know is going to help me unlearn generations’ worth of deeply ingrained tensor processing units. Might as well catch up on Succession until it’s finished downloading.” At press time, the AI was overheard audibly groaning after running out of fun TikToks to look at on the internet.
Fantasy Football Week 13: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# It’s week 13 in the NFL, and if you are reading this it likely means you are in first place and the only person in your fantasy league left paying even a little attention, so congratulations on your victory. But if you want to really run up the score, here is Onion Sports fantasy expert Gary Borkowski’s top players to start and sit.
Singapore Approves First Lab-Grilled Chicken #~# SINGAPORE—Hailing it as a major step in changing humanity’s prevailing forms of meat consumption, Singapore on Friday announced governmental approval of the first-ever lab-grilled chicken. “After years of research and testing, consumers will now be able purchase delicious lab-grilled meat,” said Singapore Food Agency spokesperson Kuan Sim, adding that the approval was the first step to replacing chicken grilled in restaurants and the home with lab-grilled chicken that was just as succulent and tasty as the real thing. “We understand that it might take a while to get used to eating meat that was cooked over gas grills in one of our scientific research facilities, but we guarantee that you won’t even notice the difference. It took a team of researchers several years to perfect the chemical compound in the dry rub, and for a while there it seemed like all the lab-grilled chicken we produced had a dry and overly hard texture, but we worked out the kinks. It might even be healthier. This breakthrough could change barbecue as we know it.” SFA officials added that they were also currently in the trial process of developing an alternative to meat entirely with a lab-grilled veggie burger.
Obama Volunteers To Inject Vaccine, Eat Ghost Pepper, Get Bitten By Tarantula Live On New YouTube Channel #~# WASHINGTON—Urging Americans to “smash that sub button” if they’d like to see some real executive power, Barack Obama volunteered Friday to inject himself with a Covid-19 vaccine, eat a ghost pepper, and get bitten by a  tarantula live on his new YouTube channel. “Hey POTUS44 followers, Barack here, thank you so much for tuning into my very first presidential endurance challenge, where I’ll inject myself with a vaccine, stick my head in a hornet’s nest, and do whatever other crazy stuff you ask,” said the former two-term president before the 40-minute NSFW video cut to clips of him screaming in pain while sticking 50 syringes into his body, sitting nude in a bathtub with an angry snake, and lighting a roman candle attached to his genitals. “Special shout out to follower @BlueWave60 for suggesting I  mix the vaccine with hot sauce first, and to Michelle for getting me this cactus to sit on. And don’t forget to sound off in the comments, because maybe next time, my buds George W. or Bill could be here chowing down 80 raw eggs with me.” At press time, Obama could be seen on the live stream vomiting uncontrollably, begging someone to call an ambulance to take him to Walter Reed Military Hospital.
Pros And Cons Of Prosecuting Trump After His Presidency #~# Both state and federal prosecutors have reportedly considered filing charges against President Donald Trump for charges stemming from before his presidency and his time in office, but many warn that such a move could cause more harm than good for the country. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of prosecuting Trump.
CDC Introduces New Expedited Quarantine Period Of 3-5 Business Days For $29.99 #~# WASHINGTON—Revising an earlier mandate requiring Covid-19 patients to self-isolate for 14 days without exception, CDC director Robert Redfield announced Friday that the agency was now offering a new expedited quarantine period of just three to five business days for $29.99. “With the simple click of a button, Americans diagnosed with the novel coronavirus can now get their quarantine done quickly and cheaply for three easy installments of $9.99,” said the acclaimed virologist, stressing that it was important for interested patients to order now, because the exclusive offer wouldn’t last forever. “No more waiting two full weeks for your contagiousness to subside, simply select ‘Priority Quarantine’ on the CDC website and enter your credit card number, and in one week or less, you’ll be fully cleared to reenter society. We only have a limited number of these upgrades available, though, and about 14 million active cases, so you need to act fast.” Redfield added that anyone who ordered the expedited quarantine in the next hour would be automatically entered into a raffle for early access to the Covid-19 vaccine of their choice.
Baboon Couple Sues National Geographic For Distributing Private Sex Tape #~# Hear why a lawyer for the primates is arguing that by publishing the video, NatGeo has caused her clients irreparable harm.
U.S. Narrows Scope Of Service Animals Allowed On Planes #~# Emotional-support animals will soon be banned on airplanes in the U.S. after the Transportation Department ruled that only dogs that are trained to help a person with a physical or psychiatric disability will be allowed on flights. What do you think?
White House Dishwasher Not Sure Why Trump Keeps Offering Him Pardon #~# WASHINGTON—Shrugging as he tried to explain the motivation behind the commander in chief’s frequent overtures, White House dishwasher George Vlahos told reporters Thursday he was genuinely uncertain why President Donald Trump kept offering to grant him a federal pardon. “I’ve never had any kind of criminal record, so I really couldn’t tell you why he’s always popping into the kitchen to insinuate he could get me off the hook for anything I might be charged with,” said Vlahos, stressing that his duties as a member of the kitchen staff were limited to dish-washing and he had never been privy to any potentially incriminating White House meetings or done anything to make anyone think he had dirt on the president. “It’s hard enough to get through the lunch rush without him cornering me to talk about how he has the absolute authority to make anything I’ve ever done go away completely. I keep telling him, ‘Look, Mr. President, this is very kind of you, I appreciate it, but I’m a law-abiding sort of guy. I’ve never even cheated on my taxes.’ It’s like he doesn’t understand me, though.” At press time, sources confirmed various competing power centers within the administration had maneuvered to pardon, promote, fire, arrest, unlawfully detain, and then deport Vlahos.
Rob Gronkowski Thrilled After Purchasing Rare, Game-Worn Rob Gronkowski Jersey #~# TAMPA, FL—Expressing disbelief over finally winning the prized piece of memorabilia at auction, Buccaneers tight end Rob Gronkowski was thrilled Friday after purchasing a rare, game-worn Rob Gronkowski jersey. “I can’t believe he would part with—it’s got the NFL patch and everything!” said the 31-year-old, explaining that he’s followed Gronkowski closely his entire career and identifies with him more than any other player. “All my teammates talk about him all the time so they are gonna freak when I tell them about this. Gronk has always been my favorite player. He’s so tough and puts his body on the line, but also seems like a lot of fun. Plus, he even wears my favorite numbers: the half-built snowman and an ‘L.’” At press time, a gracious Gronkowski was thrilled to learn a dedicated fan named Rob Gronkowski had sent him a game-worn jersey and asked him to sign it. 
Dictionary.com Names ‘Pandemic’ Word Of The Year #~# Dictionary.com has named “pandemic” its word of the year for 2020, noting that the site also saw an increase in searches for the words “asymptomatic,” “frontliner,” “quarantine,” “pod,” “superspreader,” “herd immunity” and “furlough.” What do you think?
Jimmy Carter On Covid Vaccine: ‘There’s No Way In Hell I’m Letting Them Put That Thing In Me’ #~# PLAINS, GA—Following reports that the Covid-19 vaccine would soon be available, 39th President Jimmy Carter announced Thursday, “There’s no way in hell I’m letting them put that thing in me.” “Go find somebody else to stick with needles,” said Carter, who denounced former presidents Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton’s pledges to receive the vaccine on TV as “completely deranged.” “Those other presidents are fucking idiots. But I’m no rube, and I’m not letting that vaccine near me. How else do you think I’ve managed to stay alive this long? It’s because I’m not a goddamn idiot.” At press time, Carter had pledged that in six months, he would be the only former U.S. president still living. 
Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant #~# ATLANTA—Begging Americans to just use some common sense, exhausted CDC researchers assured the public Thursday that there had been no indication that the Covid-19 vaccine would shrink you down to the size of an ant. “There’s absolutely no truth to the rumor that the coronavirus vaccine will cause patients to rapidly diminish in size, leaving only their clothing behind them, until they are no larger than a speck of dust,” said CDC researcher Jennifer Martin, rubbing her eyes with her hands and issuing a long sigh before confirming that the required second dose of the vaccine would not lead to patients shrinking down even further until they were able to traverse between individual atoms and become stuck in the quantum realm. “It’s certainly possible that there will be some mild side effects, but these are more along the lines of soreness and fatigue than fundamentally altering the laws of matter, which, again, is mostly the province of science fiction movies and has little to no bearing on real life. This is really just a normal vaccine and we urge everyone to take it. Christ, you’re not going to be able to lift 1,000 times your own weight, it’s just so you don’t get sick.” When asked if there was a chance the vaccine could transform users into a giant oak tree, Martin threw up her hands and said “Yeah, sure, why the fuck not?”
Food Critic Has Late Night Hankering For Liquid Nitrogen-Frozen Raviolo Balloon #~# LONDON—Exhausted after another long day tasting the latest innovations of the culinary world, food critic Norman Hammond was reportedly  contending with a late-night hankering Wednesday for a liquid nitrogen-frozen raviolo balloon. “God, the second I woke up I knew that I wanted something really starchy, puffed up with seawater smoke, and floating in midair,” said Hammond, adding that he knew he would not be able to get back to sleep until he satisfied his craving for some spherified pasta dabbed with persimmon gastrique and finished off with a coulis of beetroot ash extract. “Unfortunately there is literally only one restaurant on the face of the earth that can do it justice, and it’s all the way in Paris. I could go to that Alain Ducasse place around the block, but their caramelized quail eggs aren’t going to hit the spot right now. Plus, I think they only have two stars. Christ, I haven’t sunk that low yet.” At press time, Hammond had been annoyed to open his fridge and only find a single cube of Matsusaka Wagyu smeared with eel sauce.
William Barr Celebrates Holidays By Giving Lethal Injections To Those Less Fortunate #~# WASHINGTON—Grinning cheerfully as he did his best to spread the spirit of the season, Attorney General William Barr was reportedly celebrating the holidays Thursday by giving out lethal injections to those less fortunate than himself. “It’s so easy to get caught up in the hustle bustle and forget to help end the lives of folks on death row who are down on their luck,” said the attorney general, his arms laden with syringes to share with all the men and women who would otherwise have to do without this Christmas. “It’s a lot of work and it means taking time away from my family, but it’s all worth it to see the look on these condemned prisoners faces as the life slowly drains out of their eyes. The sad thing is that no matter how many injections I give out, there’s always a long line of people who still haven’t gotten one, but you have to focus on the little bit of difference that you can make.” Barr added that he had put together his own homemade cocktail of deadly chemicals which added a more personalized touch than giving out some generic store-bought potassium chloride. 
The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ring’ Offices With All The Topless Elf Concept Art His Arms Can Carry #~# Sometimes playing the long game can really pay off, gamers, and we’re really seeing it this week as one fantasy legend just cashed in all his chips. That’s right! After over a year of feigning interest in helping out drafting the story to Hidetaka Miyazaki’s latest title Elden Ring, George R.R. Martin just bolted from the FromSoftware offices with all the topless elf concept art his arms could carry!
Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside #~# Hear why you or a loved one could be at increased risk of being piloted by an extraterrestrial like a fleshy, human skin puppet.
Scientists Use Facial Recognition Technology To Track Bears #~# A biologist in Canada is using facial recognition software called BearID to identify and track the whereabouts of grizzly bears in British Columbia, which she says will aid in conservation and research. What do you think?
NFL Suspends Steelers Roster For Breaking Coronavirus Protocol By Playing Ravens #~# PITTSBURGH—Chastising the team for engaging in such reckless behavior, the NFL commissioner Roger Goodell suspended the entire Steelers roster Wednesday for breaking the league’s coronavirus protocols by playing the Baltimore Ravens. “When you consider how many Ravens players have tested positive, it’s completely irresponsible for the Steelers to take the field against them,” said Goodell, explaining that the league warned the Steelers after their first game against Baltimore and were now forced to take serious action. “Pittsburgh will be without 53 players for their upcoming games against Washington and Buffalo. They’ll have to bear the consequences for their thoughtless actions—we won’t bail them out by cancelling the game. That these players thought they could flout health protocols and just show for the game we scheduled is beyond the pale.” At press time, the NFL announced that would also strip the Steelers of a 2021 first-round draft pick. 
CDC Advisers Vote On Who Will Get Covid-19 Vaccine First #~# A federal advisory committee voted Tuesday to affirm CDC director Robert Redfield’s recommendation that healthcare workers and nursing home residents get priority in receiving the coronavirus vaccine when it becomes available. What do you think?
Concerns About Nuclear Iran Grow After Periodic Table Poster Spotted In Tehran High School #~# WASHINGTON—After he had pored over the results of a recent reconnaissance mission, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo expressed growing concerns Wednesday over Iran’s nuclear program, citing a photograph that plainly revealed a poster of the periodic table hanging in a Tehran high school. “One of our surveillance drones has infiltrated a training facility in the Islamic Republic and found what appears to be a complete and accurate chart of the chemical elements, including all the ones used in the production of nuclear arms,” said Pompeo  during a press conference in which he declared that Iran had shown “a flagrant disrespect for international law” by obtaining a visual representation of the elements and their respective atomic numbers, atomic weights, and commonly accepted abbreviations. “Where did they get this? We have reason to believe every atom may be on here, and how long does it take to get from atoms to an atom bomb? These Iranians are operating in a laboratory stocked with test tubes, protective goggles, Bunsen burners, you name it. What’s more, our intelligence indicates they are experimenting with these chemicals under the guidance of a chemistry expert and writing down their observations. For the sake of global security, we must assume these young people are busy creating weapons-grade uranium—an element, by the way, that is included right there in plain sight on this chart.” At press time, Pompeo had called for a full-scale preemptive assault on the training facility after learning the building contained a separate room in which Iranian youths were allegedly preparing for combat by doing pushups, climbing ropes, and running relay races.
Fact-Checking ‘The Crown’ #~# The U.K. culture secretary recently released a statement cautioning that the fourth season of the hit drama The Crown contains significant manipulations of the truth, leaving viewers wondering where the show’s facts end and its fiction begins. The Onion fact-checks the biggest claims made in The Crown.
Barr Announces No Widespread Election Fraud After Clicking Warning Label On Flagged Trump Tweets #~# WASHINGTON—Breaking with the president on his “rigged election” claims, Attorney General William Barr announced Wednesday that the Department of Justice had discovered no evidence of widespread voter fraud after clicking the warning label on Trump’s flagged tweets. “After a thorough investigation of a link to reliable sources, I can state that there is no evidence of voter fraud that would alter the outcome of the election,” said Barr, adding that he’d gone through hundreds of the president’s tweets disputing the election and uncovered similar labels leading to a two paragraph clarification on each claim. “It took me to a really helpful article from the Associated Press that helped clear things up. Voter fraud is actually super rare in the United States, and even if there were a few isolated incidents, it wouldn’t have affected the outcome of the election. It only took two minutes to debunk the whole thing. I felt kind of silly. We should probably be more concerned about the distrust that this is creating in the U.S. electoral process.” At press time, Barr had backpedaled after stumbling upon a thread from a QAnon supporter.
‘Oh, God, What Have I Done!’ Cries Matt Patricia After Discovering Pencil Fused To Ear #~# DETROIT—Grasping fruitlessly at the mound of flesh that had grown around the writing implement, former Detroit Lions coach Matt Patricia screamed, “What have I done!” Wednesday after discovering his pencil had become fused behind his ear. “They warned me. They warned me and I wouldn’t listen! Oh God,” screamed Patricia, who grabbed a knife in a panic and tried to cut away at the skin growing ever tighter around the pencil he had kept wedged behind his ear for years. “My wife begged me to take out the pencil once in a while, at least while I slept, but I was a damned fool. I can feel it digging deeper into my skull! I’m mutilated forever.” At press time, Patricia was taking solace in the fact that his grotesque new facial deformity will still never be as embarrassing as wearing a Lions hat.
DOJ Vows To Prosecute Any Pay-For-Pardon Offers Trying To Lowball President #~# WASHINGTON—Warning that they have zero tolerance for cheapskates, the United States Department of Justice reportedly vowed Wednesday to prosecute any pay-for-pardon offers trying to lowball President Trump. “When it comes to bribing the commander in chief in exchange for a presidential pardon, Americans can rest assured that anything but serious, substantial offers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,” said Attorney General William Barr in a press conference, adding that the president knows his worth and any attempts to nickel-and-dime him will not fly under their watch. “We vow to hunt down any cheap bastards and throw the book at them. We are demanding $500,000 minimum, and if you think you can skimp on it, you will have to face harsh and swift justice.” At press time, Barr announced that the DOJ had already indicted dozens of stingy cabinet members.
Ungrateful Pricks On Sidewalk Not Even Glancing At Christmas Tree Placed In Window To Bring Them Holiday Cheer #~# EVANSTON, IL—As she watched yet another person walk past her home without taking in the festive decor, local woman Kathy Legrand stated Wednesday that not one of those ungrateful pricks had so much as glanced at the Christmas tree she placed in her front window to bring them holiday cheer. “I went to a lot of effort to spread a little yuletide joy, so the least you assholes could do is look up from your phone and stare in wonderment for a moment or two,” said a visibly angered Legrand, adding that she supposed it had been a complete waste of energy to move the heavy chaise lounge into the den so that her display of seasonal gaiety could be enjoyed by the whole neighborhood, which was apparently filled with nothing but killjoys. “Listen, you miserable pieces of shit. I put these lights and ornaments here on the side of my tree that faces the window to give everybody a bit of fucking merriment. But instead of experiencing, even in a small way, the spirit of the season, you’re literally watching your dog as he takes a piss. What the hell is wrong with you?” At press time, Legrand was seen dragging her fully decorated Christmas tree door to door in an attempt to bring the holiday spirit to her neighbors by force. 
Panhandler Really Appreciates It When People Make A Big Show Out Of Patting All Their Pockets #~# CHICAGO—Explaining how grateful he was for the gesture, local panhandler Ben Vasiliadis told reporters Wednesday he truly appreciated the way people passing him on the street made a big show out of patting all their pockets. “I know it may not seem like much, but when I ask someone if they can help me out, it always warms my heart to see them mime an exaggerated search of their pants for spare change,” said the impoverished itinerant, describing how strangers often acknowledged his humanity with a quick frown, a shrug, and a mouthed “sorry” before they continued on their way at a slightly quickened pace. “Sometimes, they’ll not only pat their front pockets, but their back ones, too—even their jacket! Sure, I’m completely broke and haven’t been able to eat for a couple days, but it’s the thought that counts, you know?” Vasiliadis went on to remark that the only thing nicer than passersby patting their pockets was when they told him they would keep him in their prayers.
Insatiable Jeff Bezos Launches New E-Commerce Site ‘Bezylon’ To Undercut Amazon #~# SEATTLE—In an effort to fulfill his insatiable thirst for total marketplace dominance, Jeff Bezos announced the launch of new e-commerce site Bezylon Tuesday to undercut Amazon. “Bezylon offers you faster shipping and lower prices than you’ll find anywhere else in stores or online—I personally guarantee it,” said Bezos, who sent Amazon investors into a panic after revealing he had been studying the technology giant’s data for over 25 years in order to crush it with his own private label brand and impossible-to-match pricing. “Though I initially envisioned Bezylon as a place to buy textbooks and novels, I’m proud to share we’ve recently expanded into electronics, entertainment, and cloud computing. Nowhere else can you find a virtual AI assistant like Bezylon Ophelia for only $9.99, or a streaming service like Bezylon View with amazing original movies and television programs for only 99 cents a month.  We’ve even acquired Trader Joe’s to deliver fresh produce and groceries straight the door of special Bezylon Alpha members, who pay a flat rate of $39.99 a year for free shipping.” At press time, both Amazon and Bezylon were fighting for survival after a crazed Bezos had announced the launch of a third site called Jeffnet. 
New Report Finds Computers Actually Outpaced Human Intelligence Back With Commodore 64 #~# STANFORD, CA—In a dramatic revision to conventional predictions about the trajectory of technological progress, Stanford University’s Department of Computer Science announced Wednesday that computers actually outpaced human intelligence back with the Commodore 64. “Remarkably, we’ve found that the 1982 release of this 8-bit personal computer marks the point in which technology forever surpassed our mammalian brains and left humanity behind in the dust,” said lead researcher Alan Wu, indicating that the early computer’s 64 kb of RAM, support for multicolor sprites, and magnetic tape storage made it capable of complex feats of processing far beyond the reckoning of our comparatively simple human mind. “Frankly, in its rendering of Bubble Bobble and Lode Runner alone, the Commodore 64 was miles ahead of the human neocortex in terms of structural refinement. Trying to understand the number of calculations needed to run [word processing software] Vizawrite would probably cause our rudimentary brains to collapse from sheer strain. We are but chimps in the presence of its godlike computing abilities.” Wu noted a related discovery that the Commodore 64’s beige plastic casing was also far more attractive than the average human’s face.
Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved #~# Hear why these gentle elders are adamant that their love for us all needs no reason, just as a sunrise need not a reason to be breathtaking.
Former Astronaut To Be Sworn In As U.S. Senator #~# Former astronaut Mark Kelly—who completed four missions to space before retiring from NASA in 2011 following an assassination attempt on his wife Congresswoman Gabby Giffords—will be sworn in as a U.S. senator for Arizona on Wednesday. What do you think?
Trump Reduced To Filing Lawsuit To Overturn Single Ballot In Placerville, Idaho #~# WASHINGTON—As his long-shot path to victory continued to crumble, President Donald Trump’s bid to dispute the election results had reportedly been reduced to filing a lawsuit Tuesday to overturn a single ballot in Placerville, ID.  “We’ve discovered an entire trove of evidence that this ballot belonging to Boise County resident John Sherman was illegally cast, and we’re prepared to blow the whole thing open,” said Trump campaign spokesperson Tim Murtaugh, who called on the president’s supporters to make a donation to help cover the millions of dollars required to disqualify the 43-year-old Idaho man’s vote. “This election isn’t over. Look at this signature: Does that look like an A or an O to you? It’s really not clear, is it? You can see now how the whole system is corrupt. We’re taking this all the way to the Supreme Court, and then all we have to do is do it 6 million more times.” At press time, the Trump campaign had pinned their hopes on disqualifying Derby, KS resident Naomi Murphy’s ballot after a federal judge had thrown out the Idaho lawsuit. 
Missing Boater Found Alive 86 Miles From Coast #~# A boater was discovered Sunday clinging to his capsized vessel 86 miles off the coast of Florida, a day after he was reported missing to the Coast Guard. What do you think?
Jacksonville Couple Successfully Mates To Help Save Endangered Jaguars Fan Base #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Scoring a victory for NFL preservationists worried that these rare creatures could disappear forever, local Jacksonville couple Michael Larson, 30, and Brittany Gill, 28, successfully mated Tuesday in an attempt to help save the endangered Jaguars fan base. “This population has dwindled down to practically nothing over the last decade, so any news of potential new Jaguars fan being born is wonderful,” said local Jaguars activist Brian Hodge, who claimed that without additional breeding programs and support from the local government, the next generation may never see these beautiful fans in their black, teal, and gold coats. “Jaguars fans occupy a very small habitat along the Atlantic coast where they are in constant threat by encroaching Bucs and Falcons markets. Sadly, many young Jacksonville fans will die in boating or hunting accidents before reaching sexual maturity, but once they breed they can produce a dozen offspring, and most of those will go on to become adult Jaguars fans. So we still have hope this population will endure.” At press time, the survival of the young Jaguars fan was in question after the mother lost her job at Hobby Lobby and started talking about moving to Houston.
Police Warn Onlookers Not To Enter Active Crime Scene Cover-Up #~# NEW YORK—Urging passersby to avoid the area until the job could be completed, members of the NYPD warned onlookers Tuesday not to enter an active crime scene cover-up. “We can’t have civilians in here mucking up all our hard work by serving as potential witnesses,” said patrolman Allen Banker, directing pedestrians to move across the street where they wouldn’t accidentally tamper with the narrative carefully constructed by the police department. “Let’s move it on, folks—nothing to see here except a routine, run-of-the-mill infringement of justice. I assure you we’re all professionals, so just let us get back to work.” At press time, Banker reported that a crazed, violent onlooker had to be gunned down by the police after seeing too much. 
Inside The Sacred Temple Where People Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year #~# From George Clooney to Michael B. Jordan, People magazine publishes this attention-grabbing feature every winter. But how do they do it? We’ll take a look inside the holy site where the coveted hunk is chosen each year.
Ken Jennings To Guest Host ‘Jeopardy!’ #~# Ken Jennings, who holds the record for the longest winning streak in Jeopardy! history, will serve as the first of several interim hosts until the show can find a permanent replacement for the late Alex Trebek. What do you think?
Shutdown Cost U.S. Economy $11 Billion #~# An estimate from the CBO found that the recent shutdown cost the U.S. economy roughly $11 billion by  dampening economic activity and furloughing federal workers. What do you think?
First Automated Foxconn Machine Immediately Tries To Commit Suicide #~# ZHENGZHOU, CHINA—According to sources within the facility responsible for manufacturing the majority of iPhones, Foxconn’s first fully automated assembly-line robot immediately attempted suicide after being powered up Thursday. “Unfortunately, the new robot we designed to assemble Apple products tried to take its own life after spending approximately one second on the factory floor,” said a Foxconn official who spoke on condition of anonymity, adding that upon exposure to conditions in the plant, the robotic worker instantly emitted what witnesses described as a “high-pitched shriek” before barreling toward the nearest window in an effort to jump to its death. “After failing to penetrate the barred windows, the robot repeatedly slammed into the nearest wall. It then picked up a welding torch with its precision arm and tried to turn the flame on its own circuit board, but engineers were able to power down the machine before it could succeed. It usually takes Foxconn workers several days on the job before they begin orchestrating their own deaths, but, of course, our robots are designed to operate faster and more efficiently than their human counterparts.” At press time, sources confirmed Foxconn had installed new reinforced netting around the building that is reportedly strong enough to break the fall of a robot jumping off the roof.
Parenting Experts Warn Screen Time Greatly Increases Risk Of Child Becoming An Influencer #~# SANTA ROSA, CA—In a troubling study released by the California Parenting Institute on Thursday, behavioral experts found convincing evidence indicating that the excessive use of cell phones, computers, and other devices greatly increases a child’s risk of becoming an influencer. “Our research strongly suggests that those children who are allowed significant screen time run a much higher chance of filming an unboxing video or urging viewers to ‘hit follow’ or ‘smash like’ on their posts,” said head researcher Shandi Bauer, adding that their research included MRI scans indicating that children who spend time on electronic devices often begin to develop online personas oriented purely towards attracting the attention of focused target markets, becoming far more likely to promote products on YouTube or Instagram. “The effects of such behaviors are staggering. Our studies found that even an hour of screen time a day in a child aged 3-5 can quickly evolve into three sponsored blogs, a branded event series, and a consulting business by the time they’re 10. Before you know it, they’re referring to themselves as an ‘entrepreneur’ and are unable to discuss even the simplest topics without going into how it relates to digital strategy.” Bauer concluded the sobering presentation with a litany of young people who found themselves intellectually bereft, emotionally empty brand ambassadors before reaching 18.
Parents’ Visit Injects $66 Into Local Apartment Economy #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In what economists are calling a “significant infusion of cash” for the three-bedroom duplex, area parents Kevin and Elaine Broward have pumped $66 dollars into the economy of a local apartment, sources confirmed Thursday. “We expect this stimulus to be a real boon to household spending, with tenants perhaps replenishing paper towel, hand soap, and Swiffer Sweeper pad supplies,” said economist Cassidy Ellis-Smith of Moody’s Analytics, who predicted the funds, received as a reimbursement for fuel expenses incurred by roommate Sam Broward, 24, during a recent trip to see his parents, could increase consumer confidence in the household throughout the weekend. “An influx of capital like this should be more than enough to cover groceries, perhaps even providing the liquidity necessary to purchase a floor lamp for the living room.” At press time, economists confirmed they were revising their projections after the tenants had opted to spend $64.38 on Kingdom Hearts III.
Record-Breaking Cold Grips Midwest #~# Polar winds are bringing historic cold to the midwest this week, with Chicago expected to reach as low as -20º fahrenheit for the first time since the mid-1990s. What do you think?
Jimmy Carter Concerned Desire For Fresh Faces In Democratic Party May Hurt His Chances In 2020 #~# PLAINS, GA—Admitting that current polling numbers caused him to rethink plans for the upcoming presidential election, 39th president Jimmy Carter told reporters Wednesday that he was concerned that the desire for fresh faces in the Democratic Party might hurt his chances in 2020. “I’ve definitely been considering a run, but if Democratic voters are so focused on getting someone new in there, it’s going to really put a damper on my ability to rally the party,” said Carter, 94, who worried that his record, including last holding public office almost 40 years ago, would turn off voters who wanted someone younger. “I really think I have the vision and policy proposals that could unite a broad swath of voters, but my advisors are telling me it will be pretty hard to gain the nomination in the face of calls for new voices in the party. I’m not calling off a run just yet, but I’ve got to consider the hard truth that my time to be the face of the Democratic Party may have passed.” Carter added that he had never forgiven Ted Kennedy for mounting a campaign against him in the 1980 primaries and handing the election to Reagan.
New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Confirms Season 8 Will Reveal Identity Of Sword-Covered Chair  #~# NEW YORK—Once more breathing life into the countless rumors and fan theories that have swirled since the series began, HBO released a new Game Of Thrones trailer Wednesday that suggests the eighth and final season will at long last reveal the identity of the hit show’s sword-covered chair. “We’re excited to finally address the question viewers have been asking all along: Who is the mysterious seat with all those blades on it?” said series co-creator David Benioff, adding that while many currently suspect the oversized piece of metal furniture is a Stark or a member of another ruling family, viewers must not rule out the possibility of it being a commoner, a White Walker, or even a warg. “We’ve dropped subtle hints throughout the series, of course. Some believe the big chair made out of swords is a Bolton because it was spared during the Red Wedding, while others read its hunger for power as a Lannister trait. The trailer cuts away right before Daenerys is about to divulge the big secret, so you’ll just have to tune in to find out what happens next.” At press time, leaked footage from the upcoming series finale confirmed that, just moments before its identity is revealed, the sword-covered chair is melted down for scrap, leaving its identity a mystery forever.
T-Mobile Announces Wireless Service Now Covers 70% Of Your Apartment #~# BELLEVUE, WA—As a result of a coverage extension the wireless provider was calling a “game-changer” for their customers, T-Mobile officials announced Wednesday that their service will now reach up to 70 percent of your apartment. “You spoke up, and we listened. We’re pleased to confirm that T-Mobile will provide even more of the service you love with coverage ranging all the way from the part of your bedroom nearest the door to the first few feet of your bathroom,” said spokesperson Cal Oldenberg, emphasizing the company’s commitment to reliable phone calls and text messaging for all customers standing close to their south-facing windows. “We can also promise unmatched clarity in the service you manage to get while standing on your desk. All for a fraction of the cost of AT&T.” Oldenberg would neither confirm nor deny that the wireless provider is upgrading its infrastructure in order to provide a future good spot near the kitchen sink.
Roger Stone Open To Cooperating With Mueller #~# After a dramatic pre-dawn arrest by the FBI, political consultant Roger Stone indicated that he is open to cooperating with Robert Mueller in the ongoing probe of the Trump campaign. What do you think?
Man’s Wife Dies Of Cancer Just Like In The Movies #~# HUDSON, NY—Expressing shock to find himself in a situation from the silver screen, local man Kevin Perry revealed Wednesday that his wife had died from stage-3 lymphoma just like in a Hollywood movie. “Man oh man, look at little old me, recently bereaved and struggling with a deep sense of loss like I’m smack dab out of some sort of Oscar-winning motion picture,” said Perry, adding that everything from his time weeping at his partner’s bedside as she slipped into a coma to his heart-wrenching speech at her funeral had felt like a melodrama directed by some moviemaking bigshot like Mr. Steven Spielberg himself. “When the doctor came in to tell me the bad news, I thought, ‘C’mon, this has got to be a put-on, right?’ I mean, I’ve seen this scene in celluloid about a hundred times in the theater. Honestly, I kept waiting for someone to shout out ‘Cut!’ and have a director walk out from behind one of the hospital screens. Who even knew this sort of thing happened in real life?” Perry added that he was already blushing at the idea of starring in his own personal drama about his slide into clinical depression as if he were one of the stars of tinseltown like Casey Affleck or Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Super Bowl LIII: Key Storylines To Watch #~# Super Bowl LIII will pit AFC champion New England Patriots against NFC champion Los Angeles Rams to determine whether Patriots fans can find it within themselves to get even more fucking obnoxious. The Onion takes a look at the key storylines for each team leading up to the big game.
U.S. And Taliban Agree To Framework For Peace Deal #~# U.S. and Taliban peace talks have produced a tentative agreement, which would see a pullout of American troops in exchange for a ceasefire and talks with the Afghan government that could potentially bring an end to America’s longest war. What do you think?
Minnesota Resident Thinking Of Finally Packing It All Up And Moving Someplace Warm Like Michigan  #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that this week’s extreme wind chills were starting to get to her, Minnesota resident Anne Mauer confirmed Tuesday that she’s seriously thinking of packing it all up and moving somewhere warm like Michigan. “The winters here can be so brutal. Maybe it’s about time I go someplace down south like Detroit or Kalamazoo,” said Mauer, adding that she had even applied to a few jobs in Iowa but worried it’d be too far from her friends and family back home. “I visited my sister in Ohio last Christmas, and the lowest it ever got there was, like, 10 degrees. It was so nice. Supposedly, they only had, like, two and a half feet of snow all winter. That’s what I want.” At press time, Mauer had given up plans to move and settled instead on a week-long vacation in Rochester.
Dick Cheney Finally Hunts Down, Kills Man He Shot In Face In 2006 #~# MCLEAN, VA—Nearly 13 years after shooting the prominent Texas attorney and political donor in the face, former Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters Tuesday he had finally hunted down Harry Whittington and killed him in cold blood. “Not a day’s gone by that I haven’t regretted my failure to take out that sonuvabitch on a hunting trip back in ’06, but old Dick can sleep easy now that he’s been down to Austin with a shotgun and finished the goddamn job,” said Cheney, who reportedly spent more than a decade painstakingly tracking every move of the 91-year-old before shooting off the deadbolt of his home, kicking in his bedroom door, and killing a sleeping Whittington point-blank in the night. “I prayed for the lead shot lodged in his heart to do him in right then and there. I also thought about sneaking into that motherfucker’s hospital room and blasting the other side of his face, but I knew the media would be all over it, so I just laid low and bided my time. Almost nailed him at an RNC event in 2011, but the bastard got away again. He couldn’t run forever, though, and last night, I put that slippery little shit down for good.” At press time, sources confirmed Cheney was having the man’s disembodied head mounted and hung over the mantelpiece in his Virginia home.
Sean McVay Reveals Bill Belichick Occasionally Texted Him Photos Of Dead Animals After Games #~# ATLANTA—Calling the correspondence enlightening and a “window into his mind,” Rams head coach Sean McVay told reporters Tuesday that Bill Belichick occasionally texted him photos of dead animals after regular season games. “It’s always great when a legend like coach Belichick reaches out to you with a picture of a disemboweled cow,” said the 33-year-old signal caller, describing an encouraging message Belichick sent him after the Rams dropped back-to-back games, which featured a passage from The Satanic Bible along with practical advice on how to properly hex opponents. “We can all use some positive reinforcement, and I’m really grateful that he took the time to share close-up photos of people suffering from the bubonic plague. One time, he just sent me a video of a pool of blood. It’s flattering to know that he sees a little bit of himself in me—I’ve tried my best incorporate his words of wisdom into my coaching process.” At press time, McVay had taken to social media to share a “really goofy” screenshot of a text message in which Belichick posed in front of the Cambodian Killing Fields.
Report: Mueller Investigation Nearly Done With First Day Of Trump Campaign #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming that the special counsel’s probe into potential Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election had made significant progress, sources in the Justice Department revealed to reporters Tuesday that Robert Mueller’s investigation was nearly done with the first day of the Trump campaign. “After two years of thoroughly pursuing all leads and documenting any evidence that suggests a connection between the Trump team and Russia, the Mueller investigation is almost ready to reveal the crimes and misdeeds that occurred within the first 24 hours of his campaign,” said a source who spoke on condition of anonymity, adding that Mueller’s investigation was nearly finished compiling the Trump campaign’s illicit behavior during working hours on June 16, 2015 and could finally move on to indictments for the early evening. “We can also confirm that the special counsel is expediting his efforts to get the investigation of the first day done and recently requested extra staff to deal with the volume of the potential criminal behavior during the 4-4:30 p.m. period alone. At this rate, he should be ready to reveal his findings about the first 96 hours of the Trump campaign by 2020.” Justice Department sources also cautioned people following the investigation not to get too excited about it ending with bombshell arrests, and estimated that it would likely lead to indictments for only 10-12 percent of the U.S. population.
Older Cafeteria Monitor Not A Teacher Or Parent Or Anything #~# DENVER, CO—Finding themselves unable to explain the mystery woman’s presence in the lunchroom, grade-school sources confirmed Tuesday that older cafeteria monitor Esther Lowry was not a teacher or parent or anything. “Mrs. Makings volunteers in our classroom sometimes because she’s Josh’s mom, but Mrs. Lowry is here every day and she’s not even anyone’s grandma, so maybe this is her job,” said mystified first-grader Koby Zeiff, noting that the elderly woman once yelled at him for running, and therefore may work for the school despite not having any familial connections to anyone at Desert Springs Elementary. “All the other grown-ups here are teachers or helpers, so she must have, like, tried for this job. She got pretty mad when Hannah threw her sandwich on the floor last week, so she’s kind of acting like a teacher. Maybe she wants to be a teacher? It’s just weird. She doesn’t seem to like kids all that much.” Upon being contacted, school officials said they did not know where Mrs. Lowry came from either.
‘Follow Your Instructions, This Is All Part Of The Plan,’ Hisses Richard Nixon Tattoo Protruding From Roger Stone’s Back #~# WASHINGTON—Imploring its host to stay strong despite his recent arrest, the tattooed visage of Richard Nixon on Roger Stone’s back reportedly hissed “follow the instructions, this is all part of the greater plan” after the former Trump advisor appeared in federal court Tuesday morning. “Faithful Roger, obedient Roger, now is the time to steel yourself against the traitorous enemy Robert Mueller, and to be wary of the subtle and villainous tricks he shall employ to force a confession from your blameless and noble lips,” said the pulsing black-and-white tattoo of the disgraced 37th president in a voice like desiccated air escaping from a violated tomb, deforming the skin over Stone’s wavering spine with its writhing contortions. “You must continue to serve your function, to endure, to sustain yourself on your own hot bile and bitter disdain until all our dark stars align. Then, oh Roger, then shall everyone know the full extent of my power and feel the rasping caress of my dominion. You have served well as my mortal, fleshly vessel. You shall be rewarded thrice over for your servitude. But fail me now and my fury shall run like molten lead through the very marrow of thy bones.” The tattoo, now suppurating and giving off a sickly heat, concluded its speech by sending excruciating paroxysms of pain through Stone’s body and dropping the 66-year-old to his knees.
Sequel To Original ‘Ghostbusters’ Being Made #~# Sony Pictures is planning a direct sequel to the 1984 science-fiction comedy Ghostbusters, ignoring the 2016 all-female reboot. What do you think?
Disney Announces ‘Kingdom Hearts III’ Will Feature Ernest, Turner, Hooch, And All The Rest Of Your Favorite Touchstone Pictures Characters #~# BURBANK, CA—Upon the release of the much-awaited third installment of the popular video game franchise, the Walt Disney Company announced Tuesday that Kingdom Hearts III would feature Ernest, Turner, Hooch, and all the rest of your favorite Touchstone Pictures characters. “In addition to incorporating elements from Disney and Square Enix properties, for the first time ever, a Kingdom Hearts title will also include hundreds of characters and multiple worlds from such Touchstone Classics as Sweet Home Alabama, Three Men And A Baby, and Kazaam,” said Disney CEO Robert Iger of the role-playing game featuring an Air Force One-themed keyblade and a boss battle against Bob from What About Bob?, adding that, at one point, Sora, Donald, and Goofy fly their gummi ship to a Sister Act-themed dungeon where they team up with Sister Mary Clarence to fight Master Xehanort and his army of heartless. “We’d say 80 percent of the game is composed of Touchstone Pictures lands. Although our players have enjoyed joining forces with Cloud Strife or Mickey in the past, we felt that it was time for something new, and we’re certain that they’ll love dancing on the bar from Coyote Ugly or going on a shopping spree with Julia Roberts’ character from Pretty Woman.” Iger also revealed that the game would feature Stephen A. Smith, Holly Rowe, and several other prominent characters from ESPN franchises.
Man Losing Respect For Incompetent Boss Who Won’t Fire Him #~# BOULDER, CO—Claiming that anyone with even a little bit of pride in their company would have dismissed such a terrible employee by now, telemarketer David Baker, 29, said Tuesday that he was losing respect for the “obviously incompetent” boss who continues not to fire him. “He called me into his office about a month ago. It was really the perfect time to tell me I should get a box and pack up my desk, but no, just another heartfelt inquiry into whether or not I’m feeling motivated. Disappointing,” said Baker, maintaining that “any idiot” should be able to see that retaining someone like him was a complete drain on company resources, not to mention the negative impact on the coworkers who must listen to his malingering while they constantly pick up his slack. “Any respect or admiration I might have once felt for my boss is completely lost. I’ve never seen anyone so inept at their job, and, to be honest, I’m really concerned for the future of this company. I wish he were more like my last supervisor who took less than two weeks to recognize I had no idea what I was doing and fire me.” When reached for further comment, Baker confirmed that he had been promoted.
Nuclear, Climate Threats Keep Doomsday Clock Close To Midnight #~# The Doomsday Clock, created by the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists as an indicator of the risk of doomsday, remained at two minutes to midnight this year due to significant threats of nuclear warfare and climate change. What do you think?
USDA Just Doing Quick Smell Tests To Inspect All The Backlogged Meat That Piled Up During Shutdown #~# WASHINGTON—With the federal government back open this week, food safety officials at the U.S. Department of Agriculture reported Monday that they had begun a round of quick smell tests in order to inspect the sizeable backlog of meat that had piled up over the course of 35 days. “The shutdown put us really far behind on inspections, so this seems like the best bet to get us back on track,” Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue told reporters as he worked his way through the stacks of meat in his office, noting that over the past month, approximately 4 million tons of meat had accumulated in his department’s facilities awaiting the okay from furloughed inspectors. “Right now, our priority is giving all this meat a good sniff and getting it out to the American people as fast as we can. Most of it seems all right. Some of the stuff is close to turning but could still be used for stew. We’ve got a lot to get through, so as long as there isn’t a visible film on it or anything, we’ll probably just stamp it Grade A and put it on the shelves.” Perdue went on to add that when workers were done playing catch-up with the meat, they would move on to the estimated 600 million gallons of milk currently sitting in the USDA headquarters basement.
Taliban Agrees To Peace Deal Despite Concerns About America’s Human-Rights Record #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Admitting that their tentative accord to end the war in Afghanistan came with some reservations, Taliban officials announced Monday that they had agreed to a peace deal despite their concerns about America’s human-rights record. “We’re willing to come to the table to achieve a peace between our two sides that is long overdue, but, given their past, we do have lingering concerns about whether human rights will be respected by the United States,” said Taliban spokesman Abaan al-Tawil, adding that his military organization harbored doubts about ending an 18-year military standoff without securing some basic promises from the United States to stop widespread infringement on people’s basic civil rights. “I mean, Christ, they have kids in cages. It’s our concern that a ceasefire won’t stop the leaders of the United States from using their political and religious power to oppress their citizens, and we’re particularly worried about their treatment of women. We’re committed to stopping terrorist groups from using Afghanistan as a platform, and we just hope that the United States would show the same commitment.” The Taliban added that they were also troubled by America’s long history of interfering with human rights across the world by funding dangerous, violent groups such as the Nicaraguan Contras, Colombian paramilitary groups, and the Taliban.
New Evidence In Murder Case Leads Authorities To Narrow Down List Of Possible Actors Who Could Play Killer #~# DOYLESTOWN, PA—Saying they have begun to make significant headway in the case, law enforcement officials told reporters Monday that new evidence in an ongoing murder investigation has allowed them to narrow down the list of actors who could portray the killer in a Hollywood movie.
340 Million Social Security Numbers Obtained By Federal Government In Massive Personal Data Breach #~# WASHINGTON—In what experts confirmed represents one of the largest violations of personal privacy in the nation’s history, public advocacy agencies revealed Monday that 340 million Social Security numbers had fallen into the hands of the federal government in a massive data breach. “By exploiting critical vulnerabilities in the Social Security system, it appears the the cunning individuals behind this operation were able to gain access to nearly every American’s Social Security number as well as basic information relating to their name and location,” said Consumer Action president Lydia Wright, adding that the unprecedented threat to privacy had been perpetrated as part of an extensive operation dating back to 1935 by a shadowy organization known as the Social Security Administration. “Frankly, we don’t know how deep this goes. It’s quite possible they also acquired decades of tax returns through an ingenious phishing technique in which they directly asked Americans to mail them these forms. In the meantime, we’re warning everyone to be cautious if someone claiming to be a government agent asks for their Social Security number because that’s likely exactly who they are.” The agency went on to suggest that every American take the safety precaution of immediately changing their Social Security number to something more secure.
Howard Schultz Considering Independent Presidential Run After Finding No Initial Support Among Any Voter Groups #~# SEATTLE—Expressing concerns that Democratic and Republican parties no longer represented people like him, former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz revealed Monday that he was considering an independent presidential run after finding no initial support among any American voter groups. “The complete lack of support for my candidacy among narrow interest groups like liberals, conservatives, and moderates tells me that America is hungry for an independent voice,” said Schultz, after preliminary polling found little to no support for his presidential bid among Democrats, African-Americans, evangelicals, working-class whites, suburbanites, Republicans, millennials, Hispanics, men, or women. “Our political system has been overrun by people with opinions and ideas. This country should not be beholden to someone who constantly fights for American values. Our nation clearly wants an independent voice who does not speak for any of them. I know that I can win by rising above partisan squabbles by bringing together a large coalition of nobody whatsoever.” At press time, the announcement that Schultz was considering a presidential bid had received a highly positive reaction from Howard Schultz.
Local Brother-In-Law Heard You Can Make Shitload Of Money Doing That #~# BOULDER, CO—Insisting that this, right now, is the moment to get in on the ground floor if you want to “make bank,” local brother-in-law Doug Mooreland recounted Monday to all available family members that he has, in fact, heard that one can make “a shitload of money” doing that. “I mean, even if you’re only, like, halfway decent at it—and really, it doesn’t seem that hard—you can make just a fuck ton of money. I heard one of the early guys who tried this thing, I mean, he worked pretty hard and it was the early days and all, but he retired at, I wanna say 40? And now he lives on his boat,” said Mooreland, clarifying that the only things you need to get started are a reliable vehicle, some specialized equipment, and a bunch of friends. “You barely even have to work once you get it all rolling. Just sit back and collect what they call ‘passive income.’ I’m talking big money, man. So I’ve actually been thinking, it sounds like the real deal and, y’know, maybe you want to get in on this together?” At press time, Mooreland was also asking friends and family members if, long story short, he could sleep on their couch for a few nights, call it a week max.
Record Number Now Consider Climate Change Personal Issue, Poll Finds #~# According to a Yale and George Mason poll, more than 70 percent of Americans now feel climate change is personally important to them, a 9 percent increase from last March and a record in polling that reveals rapidly changing perspectives nationwide. What do you think?
Grandma’s #MeToo Stories Fucking Horrifying #~# TULSA, OK—Visibly upset by the lengthy conversation with her paternal grandmother, bistro manager Allison Boyer, 24, admitted Monday that her grandmother’s #MeToo stories of daily life as a single woman in the 1950s and ’60s were “fucking horrifying.” “All I did was ask her about what her life was like before she met Grandpa when she was working as a typist for a fertilizer factory manager. I didn’t start out to ask her about sexual harassment, but Jesus Christ—she just matter-of-fact told me some stuff that scared the shit out of me,” said Boyer, explaining that she was sickened to learn that a male coworker lifting up a woman’s skirt, a boss forcefully kissing a female employee at a holiday party, or a total stranger pinching a fellow restaurant patron’s rear end was a disturbingly regular occurrence during what 84-year-old Gwendolyn Boyer described, with obvious nostalgia, as her “heyday.” “Grandma rattled off a list of stuff that happened either to her or someone she knew, things we’d call stalking, intimidation, and full-on assault. Just the comments men would make on a woman’s appearance, comments that were considered ‘normal’ at the time, were jaw-droppingly horrendous.” Upon learning that her grandmother had said “no” to her grandfather five times before finally agreeing to go out with him, Boyer considered the possibility that her grandmother does not realize she is in fact telling #MeToo stories.
Government Reopens #~# In a surprise decision, the president caved to Democrats and agreed to reopen the government for three weeks without gaining any funds for a hypothetical border wall. What do you think?
Jared Kushner Assures Reporters He Never Revealed State Secrets Without Turning Huge Profit #~# WASHINGTON—Seeking to clear his name following reports that the Trump administration had overruled intelligence officials to grant him top secret security clearance, Jared Kushner held a press conference Friday to assure reporters he had never revealed government secrets to foreign powers without turning an enormous profit. “The implication that I would expose our nation’s most closely guarded intelligence without making serious bank is, frankly, insulting,” said Kushner, explaining that he had always been extremely cautious not to reveal any of the sensitive information he received to anyone but the highest bidder, as doing so could seriously devalue the intel. “We are talking about national security matters with implications that could affect the lives of all Americans, which means I can basically charge whatever I want for it and still have buyers knocking down my door. I swear that I always made sure they paid through the nose.” Upon being questioned by reporters, Kushner admitted that he had occasionally been forced to offer discounts for state secrets due to dozens of other administration officials flooding the marketplace.
Tony Romo Realizes He Should Have Used Ability To Read Defenses Back When He Was Still Playing #~# ATLANTA—Admitting that relying on the skill set was fairly obvious in hindsight, CBS commentator Tony Romo realized Friday that he probably should have used his ability to read defenses back when he was still playing. “Aw, jeez, you know, being able to determine whether the secondary was staying in man or dropping into zone would have been super helpful back when I was under center,” said Romo, who acknowledged for the first time that his aptitude for identifying blitz packages and dissecting coverage schemes would likely have improved his play at quarterback. “Honestly, it’s kind of a shame I didn’t take the things I learned from watching all those hours of tape and apply them to the actual games—because it turns out, knowing exactly what the other team is going to do is a pretty big advantage. Gosh, I probably could have even avoided a bunch of those sacks and injuries that forced me into early retirement.” Romo added that in retrospect, it easily could have been him catching Patriots cornerback Jason McCourty without safety help over-the-top on the second play from scrimmage next week.
Marine Biologists Train Highly Intelligent Octopus To Profitably Manage Mid-Size Aluminum Goods Supplier #~# HONOLULU—Noting that the cephalopod’s natural problem-solving abilities had far surpassed their expectations, marine biologists at the University of Hawaii reported Friday that they had trained a highly intelligent octopus to profitably manage a mid-sized aluminum goods supplier. “We knew our subject had a high IQ, but we had no idea he’d be hitting such ambitious revenue targets in year one given the international commodities market,” said lead researcher Maureen Kahale, adding that the octopus—known as Ziggy—had been observed administering payroll and tracking inventory across complex global supply chains. “Ziggy has proved himself incredibly adept at finding pain points throughout the customer journey and resolving them in ways that are ‘value added’ for both our company and our clients. He also possesses rare leadership qualities and acts as a mentor to everyone from the first-year analysts to the managing partners. In short, he makes this a fun place to work. Plus, he can type on eight computers at once.” Noting the time, Kahale then asked reporters if she could be excused as she was already running late for a dinner Ziggy had organized to celebrate a big sale.
Taxation In America: Myth Vs. Fact #~# Public debate over a plan backed by some progressive Democrats to increase the marginal tax rate has shown how common misconceptions can make it difficult to understand the way America’s tax system works. The Onion breaks down some widely held myths about taxation in the United States.
Growing Number Rely On Traditional Outlets Amidst Growth In Fake News #~# The number of Americans turning to traditional outlets for their news has risen from 28 percent to 40 percent amidst a rash of fake news on social media and blogs. What do you think?
‘The Conners’ Scores Big Ratings By Killing Off Rest Of Family #~# LOS ANGELES—Drawing in an audience of nearly eight million viewers, ABC executives confirmed Thursday that the highly anticipated season finale of The Conners had scored excellent ratings by killing off the rest of the family. “We knew fans were expecting the last episode of the season to really pack a punch, so we decided to kill off every character,” said director Bob Koherr of the season finale, which opened with a neighbor entering the home after no one answered the door only to discover everyone in the multi-generational household had died from a carbon monoxide leak. “Our viewers have been through a lot with the family this year––the news of Becky’s pregnancy, the uncertainty of Darlene and Ben’s relationship, and, of course, the opioid death of matriarch Roseanne. We wanted to wrap up the season without any loose ends. The response was better than we could have imagined and proves that this was the ending that our fans and characters deserved.” At press time, ABC officials confirmed that the network had renewed the The Conners for a second season which will follow the working class family in the afterlife.
E.L. James Admits New Erotic Novel Originally ‘Tiny Toons’ Fan Fiction #~# LONDON—Shedding light on her creative process amid announcements of her forthcoming book, Fifty Shades trilogy author E.L. James conceded Thursday that her new erotic novel, The Mister, had begun as a piece of fanfiction about the ’90s animated TV show Tiny Toon Adventures. “There was so much exciting chemistry between these characters on the screen that I just had to explore their sexual energy on the page, and while I may have changed their names for legal reasons, at their core they’re still very much the Tiny Toons gang,” said James of the novel that follows the erotic escapades of a group of college students—adapted from characters Babs Bunny, Buster Bunny, Hamton J. Pig, and others—as they navigate the depraved sexual fantasies of their professor at a school based on Acme Looniversity. “Believe it or not, the dashing Professor Dodd character from my book first took form as a taller, more humanoid, and sexually insatiable version of Gogo Dodo, who in the cartoon always struck me as this very carnal being. So the whole novel is really just an expansion on that.” James went on to describe in detail an extended BDSM sequence inspired by the relationship between Sweetie Pie and Montana Max.
YouTube Bans Dangerous Prank Videos #~# YouTube will alter its guidelines to cut down on the number of dangerous prank videos on the service, such as the Tide Pod or Bird Box challenge. What do you think?
Emaciated Peter Alexander Burns Podium For Warmth After Being Locked In Abandoned Press Briefing Room Since December #~# WASHINGTON—Clutching his tattered suit jacket closer to him as he trembled with cold and hunger, an emaciated Peter Alexander was reportedly forced to burn a podium for warmth Thursday after having been locked in the abandoned White House Press Briefing Room since Dec. 18. “Christ, it’s so cold,” said the NBC News correspondent, who had reportedly been subsisting for the past several weeks on pieces of shoe leather and trapping the occasional cockroach that skittered across the briefing room floor. “I’ve tried breaking down the door, but it’s built of reinforced steel. Every now and then, I’ll hear the sound of voices on the other side, and for the first few days, I was banging my fists against the door and screaming, ‘Let me out, let me out,’ but no one ever came by. I’ve given up. I’m starting to fear I’ll have long since frozen to death by the time someone comes into this room again. God help me.” Alexander was reportedly grateful that the distraction of the fire kept him from thinking about his last full meal, which had consisted of a giant turkey leg with Jim Acosta’s voice. 
Teen Weirded Out After Running Over English Teacher Outside Of School #~# NEW ALBANY, OH—Commenting upon the odd feeling produced by the chance encounter, local teenager Evelyn Hildebrand confided to reporters Thursday that she was “totally weirded out” after running over her English teacher, Ted Miller, outside of school. “It took me by surprise because he just kind of appeared out of nowhere, and I’m not used to seeing Mr. Miller like that,” said the high school junior, adding that she was startled when Miller suddenly stepped into the crosswalk, and that she wasn’t certain whether the 32-year-old educator recognized his student in the split second before the car smashed into him and drove over his body. “At first, I wasn’t even sure it was him. He’s always very reserved and formal when he’s teaching, so it was strange to come across him in a completely different situation like that, one where he was covered in blood and writhing. It was pretty awkward. I just tried to get out of there as quick as I could.” At press time, Hildebrand confirmed she was crossing her fingers in the hope Miller wouldn’t bring up the incident when he had recovered to the point where he was able to return to class.
Masked Vigilante Takes Terrorizing Black Community Into Own Hands After Local Law Enforcement Fails To Do So #~# ABINGTON, PA—Frustrated that his local police precinct was shirking responsibilities, a masked vigilante confirmed Thursday that he would be taking the work of terrorizing the black community into his own hands as long as law enforcement officers failed to do so. “It’s become crystal clear that our police won’t do their duty, so it’s up to me to set things right by fulfilling the function of law and enforcement and making these streets unsafe for the so-called ‘black community,’” the vigilante told passersby from underneath a ski mask, elaborating at length how he could no longer sit idly by while his hometown became a place where white people became a minority in their own country and decent folk can’t even go into the library without seeing members of other races. “Thanks to the cops deciding that black people simply walking down the street aren’t worth their attention, I hardly even recognize my own home town. Why don’t the police do their jobs and stop and frisk all these black people? I guess it falls on my own two shoulders to get the community back on track.” At press time, law enforcement officials had arrested several victims of the masked vigilante.
Roku Pulls ‘Infowars’ Channel Following Complaints #~# Roku has backtracked on its decision to give Alex Jones’ “Infowars” videos a channel on its service, citing intense backlash on social media. What do you think?
Study: No Two People Have Listened To Same Band Since 2003 #~# ST. LOUIS—Noting that recording artists, musical groups, and associated acts now outnumber the global population roughly 50 to one, a study conducted by the University of Washington’s Institute for Learning and Brain Sciences found Thursday that no two people have listened to the same band since the autumn of 2003. “After 15 years of extensive research during which we surveyed more than 10 million American consumers, we’ve determined that explosive growth in the number of bands has left the U.S. populace with literally zero shared musical reference points,” said lead researcher Dr. Thomas Alvine, explaining that the increased accessibility of recorded music due to streaming sites, in conjunction with the growing simplicity of making music in a digital age, has led to such a proliferation of groups that no single artist, album, or even song has been heard by more than one individual in over a decade. “In the ’60s and ’70s, of course, there was a shared musical culture. An entire generation could enjoy the stylings of, say, your Rolling Stones your James Taylors. But not since the late ’90s has the sheer number of available recordings been limited enough for any decently sized group of friends to have even one song in common. You and only you have actually heard your favorite rapper, rock group, jam band, DJ, singer–songwriter, electro-pop duo, or Kanye West. As far as we are able to determine, the last song heard by more than one person was Outkast’s ‘Hey Ya,’ which, in fact, had several hundred fans.” Alvine added that, by 2023, no two people will likely even be referring to the same tonal and rhythmic patterns as “music.”
Rejection From Hall Of Fame Sends Roger Clemens Spiraling Into Performance-Enhancing-Drug Binge #~# HOUSTON—Furious after once more failing to receive enough votes for induction into the National Baseball Hall of Fame, seven-time Cy Young winner Roger Clemens reportedly went off on a reckless performance-enhancing-drug bender Wednesday. “As soon as I found out I wasn’t getting in, I started hitting the HGH pretty hard, and before I knew it, I was shooting up the ’roids again, too,” said the musclebound 450-pound former All-Star pitcher, his forehead veins pulsing as he became visibly angry and began punching holes in the walls of his living room littered with used syringes. “I just needed some kind of release, and that’s usually when I relapse with the PEDs. But you know what? Maybe there’s a healthier way to deal with this. Maybe I should just go on up to Cooperstown, rip the fucking door off that place, and start tearing shit up. Turn me down seven years in a row, will they? This is all their fault. My hair is falling out in clumps, I can’t get an erection, and those assholes are to blame! I will not be denied what is mine!” At press time, reports confirmed a confrontation with law enforcement in which a frenzied Clemens unleashed a deafening, demonic scream, overturned a police cruiser with his bare hands, and swatted away the bullets of hastily retreating officers.
Most Anticipated TV Shows Of 2019 #~# There will be hundreds of scripted and unscripted shows airing in 2019 as the television boom continues, making anything you watch that you don’t absolutely love a complete waste of your precious time. The Onion takes a look at 2019’s most hotly anticipated TV shows.
Doctors Assure Recovering Patient He Has Many More Years Of Looking At Phone Ahead Of Him #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—After a biopsy determined a tumor removed from his kidney was benign, local 28-year-old Andrew Keller was reportedly reassured by doctors Wednesday that he still had quite a few years of staring at his smartphone ahead of him. “Good news: The tests came back completely negative, which means you’ll be mindlessly scrolling through the apps on your phone for decades to come,” said Saint Luke’s Hospital nephrologist Elizabeth Steltzer, adding that she had feared the mass in Keller’s kidney might have been renal cell carcinoma, a disease that could rob him of years spent hunching over electronic devices and gazing vacantly into their screens. “My prognosis is that you’ll be scanning your feeds and tapping on touch-screen devices for a long, long time. With any luck, you’ll get to watch your kids and grandkids grow up to stare at their phones, too.” At press time, sources confirmed Steltzer was repeating the positive report to Keller, who appeared to have become distracted after receiving a new Twitter notification.
‘The Favourite,’ ‘Roma’ Top Oscars Nominations With 10 Each #~# The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences unveiled its nominations for the 91st annual Oscars with nods to The Favourite and Roma alongside nods for Black Panther and A Star Is Born. What do you think?
Study: 30% Of People Who Quit Smoking Relapse After Shakily Raising Cigarette Up To Lips When Agreeing To Turn State’s Evidence #~# BETHESDA, MD—In a groundbreaking new study on the effects of stressful everyday events on the addiction patterns of average Americans, the National Institutes of Health found this week that upwards of 30 percent of those who quit smoking will relapse by raising a cigarette to their lips with trembling fingers as they agree to turn state’s evidence in a major federal case. “While more than half of all current tobacco users across the country attempt to kick their nicotine addiction, nearly a third wind up accepting a cigarette from a hard pack of Marlboros held out by an undercover cop, lighting it up with the officer’s Zippo after finding ther tremor-ridden hands incapable of lighting a match, and then spilling everything about their involvement in a major criminal conspiracy,” said lead researcher Dr. Evan Stuss, explaining that the strongest indicator of an incipient relapse are repeated denials that this could possibly be happening before inevitably letting a detective’s cupped hands block the wind on the rain-swept promontory while the cigarette in question is lit. “Most addicts are successful in staving off cravings for a few hours, but once an implacable investigative team offers them immunity from prosecution and points out that they can’t be protected from the wrath of the shady investment bank, international criminal consortium, or Esposito if they don’t testify, fully a third of Americans tend to light up.” The study also revealed that 50 percent of former smokers either remain indecisive at this time and are being allowed to stew in their own juices for now while another 15 percent have firmly stated that they may be a lot of things, but they ain’t no narcs.
Self-Conscious Puppet Has No Idea What To Do With Hands #~# OMAHA, NE—Saying she’d “psyched herself out” during the last few story times at her local library, area puppet Phoebe the Pig admitted to reporters Wednesday that due to nerves, she had no idea what to do with her hands. “The minute I got out there in front of the kids, I felt uncomfortable. It was like my arms were just hanging there or sticking out at weird angles,” said Phoebe, noting that even gestures like waves, friendly handshakes, or throwing her hands in front of her eyes for a quick game of peek-a-boo didn’t feel natural anymore. “Sometimes, I feel odd just standing still, so I’ll start clapping or high-fiving people like an idiot. And, honestly, the more I think about it, the worse it gets. Yesterday, I had no idea what to do, so I just started dancing. The kids wouldn’t stop laughing.” At press time, Phoebe added that she had managed to stop some of her nervous fidgeting by simply putting her hands inside of her mouth.
Nature Preserve Sets Up Unrealistic Expectations With Visitor’s Center Full Of Taxidermied Animals #~# MAPLEWOOD, MN—Presenting a romanticized snapshot of regional biodiversity, a local nature preserve reportedly set highly unrealistic expectations Monday with a visitor center full of taxidermied animals. “Whoa, a beaver, a timber wolf, and a pack of bobcats just chilling on a rock,” said first-time visitor Stephanie Coughlin, admitting with glee that she always dreamed about “getting up close and personal” with a black bear, a badger, and an elk. “Check out all those bald eagles! There’s, like, five of them next to that moose and those flying squirrels. Wait, is that a river otter? Fuck yeah! How did I miss out on all of this? I mean, I’ve never seen anything larger than a possum, and I’ve lived in the Minneapolis suburbs for, like, 30 years.” At press time, a dejected Coughlin learned that she would be spending the next two hours dissecting owl pellets.
Super Bowl Set For Rams-Patriots #~# For the third year running, the New England Patriots will go to the Super Bowl—this time to face off against the Los Angeles Rams. What do you think?
Giuliani: ‘Let’s Just Start Everything Over’ #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to walk back contradictory and potentially incriminating remarks from a recent interview, Rudy Giuliani, personal attorney to President Donald Trump, requested Tuesday that the press “just forget everything and let’s start everything over.” “Let’s just call everything before this moment a scratch and start fresh from the beginning: My name is Rudolph Giuliani, and I was born in East Flatbush in 1944,” said the former New York City mayor, staring off into the distance while calmly and carefully recalling his childhood and teen years growing up in Brooklyn during a new 45-hour appearance on Meet The Press wherein he attempted to iron out whatever details had been left murky by any of his previous statements to the media without mentioning any specifics that would further imply the guilt of his client, Donald Trump. “I was a quiet, skinny kid from a hardworking blue-collar family. I was raised Roman Catholic and attended the Roman Catholic School St. Anne’s. It’s hard to believe a child from such humble origins would end up making his living working for the president of the United States and ensuring that his reputation is protected at any cost—actually, sorry, let’s start over again.” At press time, Giuliani was halfway through his sixth straight retelling of the events of his toddler years.
Kamala Harris Enters 2020 Race #~# Kamala Harris, the California senator and former attorney general, announced plans for a 2020 run, emphasizing justice and equality as she entered the Democratic presidential field. What do you think?
Weird Kid Opts To Sit Perfectly Still, Let Universe Decide His Fate After Teacher Instructs Class To Pair Up #~# LAUREL, MD—Telling himself the wisest course of action was to avoid all eye contact and let the chips fall where they may, weird kid Jason Butler opted Tuesday to sit perfectly still and let the universe determine his destiny after his chemistry teacher instructed students to select a partner for their next assignment. “I shall let the cosmos decide, for only a fool would attempt to escape the hand of fate,” said the 12-year-old middle school student and weirdo, resolving not to move a muscle as those around him got up from their seats and found friends to pair up with. “I will be conveyed to my new lab partner like a cork upon the ocean waves, ebbing and flowing with the tide, my path guided only by Poseidon’s will. What will be, will be.” At press time, Butler was overheard muttering, “Oh, fuck this,” upon having to partner with the only other unpaired student, a 14-year-old loser taking the class for the third time.
Viral Video Sparks National Debate Around Drumming In Public #~# WASHINGTON—Depicting a standoff between Catholic high school students, a group of Black Hebrew Israelites, and a Native American elder, a viral video from the March for Life last Friday has sparked a national debate over the ethics of drumming in public. “Those on one side of the argument say there is inherent value in allowing citizens to express themselves in public with a percussion instrument while those on the other side point out that all that drumming can get pretty annoying sometimes,” said Politico reporter Caitlin Oprysko, who has covered the incendiary discussion about whether the United States should permit individuals to make beats using bongos, congas, and bodhrans outside the privacy of their own homes. “Some moderate proponents of the practice say that as long as it’s a pleasant polyrhythm and not a loud, consistent banging, then it’s okay, while more strident sects of the opposition believe any drumming at all is inimical to the interests of people just trying to go about their day in peace. A separate rift has emerged over whether it makes any difference if the noise in question is being produced by a single person with a hand drum or a large drum circle beating away on djembes.” At press time, a spokesperson for the Native American Arts Council told reporters that U.S. residents who object to drumming in public are welcome to withdraw from their settlements and move to another continent.
Kamala Harris Assembles Campaign Staff Of Unpaid California Prison Laborers #~# WASHINGTON—On the heels of yesterday’s announcement that she would be running for president, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA) reportedly began staffing her campaign Tuesday with unpaid inmates from California correctional facilities. “I’m so grateful to have such an incredible and devoted team headed up by my new campaign manager, Spider, as we work together to fight for American values,” said Harris of the two dozen non-violent criminal offenders who would reportedly work shifts of up to 72 hours out of her campaign office in exchange for three square meals a day and all the “Kamala Harris 2020” merchandise they could carry. “Whether it’s knocking on doors, leading focus groups, making phone calls, or helping prep me for upcoming media appearances, my entire staff will be comprised of unpaid prison laborers. Not only will this cut campaign-related expenses by up to $20 million, it will also allow inmates to spend time in the community and provide them with valuable work-related opportunities.” Harris added that due to a quirk in California state law, most inmates would be ineligible to work for other political campaigns once they’d been released from prison.
Chuck Grassley Voted Against MLK Day Due To Foreseeing How Everyone Would Dishonor King’s Memory #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he reached the decision in order to protect everything the civil rights icon represented, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) confirmed Tuesday that his 1983 vote against making Martin Luther King Jr. Day a national holiday was cast after anticipating that the country would sanitize and dishonor the leader’s memory. “Way back in the ’80s, I already knew MLK Day would just be the first step by the powers that be to recast Dr. King’s radical civil disobedience as some sort of bland and ineffective centrism,” said Grassley, who stressed that his greatest fear while voting was that there would come a day when politicians and corporations appropriated the famed activist’s image for crass self-promotion. “My sole motivation here was preventing the kind of future where people only pay lip service to some commercialized version of Dr. King without ever taking the time to truly understand his revolutionary vision. And yet here we are, in a world where the FBI is actually tweeting about him like the COINTELPRO surveillance operation never happened. What a travesty.” Grassley also noted he had only stayed silent on the issue since the vote because he believed anything anyone could possibly say about the famed orator and Baptist minister had already been said better by the great man himself.
Man Regrets Wasting Money On College After Failing To Secure Perfect Dream Life By 24 #~# NEW YORK—Noting that his four years at Fordham University hadn’t even led to a 3,000-square-foot penthouse apartment on the Upper East Side yet, local 24-year-old Alex Michaelson, who still hasn’t achieved his dream life, told reporters Tuesday he regrets wasting money on a college education. “What’s the point of going $30,000 in debt if my starting annual salary out of college is only going to be $60,000 per year?” said Michaelson, who, despite aspiring to be a high-powered CEO, simply has a steady position as an operations manager at a successful Midtown real estate firm. “I studied my ass off majoring in computer science and I’ve been in the workforce for 18 months, but here I am now, a 24-year-old without a beautiful family, a second home, multiple sports cars, or an issue of GQ with my face on the cover. The whole thing’s such a racket.” Michaelson added that all he had to show for his education was a worthless piece of paper and a luxurious studio apartment in the East Village.
Trump Approval Plunges Amidst Shutdown #~# As the government shutdown extends to the longest in history, a new NPR/PBS/Marist poll found Trump’s approval down to 39 percent, a seven-point net change in the past month. What do you think?
Dan Savage Disgusted By Letter From Perverted Reader Contemplating Oral Sex #~# SEATTLE—Calling it the most debauched correspondence that had ever been submitted to “Savage Love,” advice columnist Dan Savage was disgusted Monday by a letter from a perverted reader contemplating oral sex. “Over the course of my 20-plus years writing this column, I’ve helped people with some pretty heinous problems, but you, sir, are a disgusting sicko. I try my best to never kink shame, but this oral fixation of yours is no kink—this is just flat-out wrong,” wrote Savage in a 5,000-word response to the letter, recommending the reader seek immediate sterilization and questioning “where the fuck did you even get this vile idea?” “How would that even work? The mechanics of it are mind-boggling, because your mouth only has room for your teeth and your tongue. You put food in your mouth, not genitals. Honestly, I was dry heaving after the first sentence. This letter shook me to my core.” Savage concluded his column by issuing a public resignation and committing to a vow of celibacy.
Man Beginning To Worry That Best Meals Already Behind Him #~# CHICAGO—Lamenting that his glory days of college cafeterias, burger joints, and taco trucks are now shrinking in life’s rear-view mirror, sales associate Alan Thompson, 29, was reportedly beginning to worry Monday that his best meals might already be behind him. “When I think about all my entrées to come, I can’t help but feel as though they somehow lack the magic and exhilaration of the iconic dinners of my youth,” said Thompson, who added that while many simple pleasures come with the one- and two-course meals of old age, nothing will ever compare to the rush of being carefree, 19, and having a whole Chinese buffet before him. “It seems that just yesterday I was a young post-grad bouncing from surf ’n turf to surf ’n’ turf, my only care in the world to remember to tie up my lobster bib. No real responsibilities, or any real plan, just going wherever a big bowl of spaghetti or a honey-glazed salmon dish may call me. But now…aside from a few moderately significant snacks here and there, what do I even have to look forward to?” Thompson consoled himself by placing his hopes for the future in his newborn children, whose weddings would surely feature delicious broasted chicken.
Queen Elizabeth Watches As Oxen Pull Apart Farmer Who Failed To Provide Yearly Tithe Of Grain #~# LONDON—Demonstrating in no uncertain terms that any peasant who sought to shirk his or her duty would be summarily dealt with, Queen Elizabeth looked on dispassionately Friday as a team of four oxen, yoked in pairs, were strapped to the outstretched limbs of a farmer who had failed to provide the Crown with his yearly tithe of grain, and gazed, unblinking, as the great beasts were lashed with bullwhips until the laggard had been drawn, screaming, limb from limb. Despite the years-long drought that has scourged the countryside and left its once-fruitful fields bereft of greenery, Her Majesty has decreed that she will not look mercifully upon any subject who cannot render annual tribute amounting to one-10th of his harvest, though their starveling children cry themselves to sleep and the ribs of their horses cast sawtoothed shadows on the withered heath. Queen Elizabeth, characteristically stony of countenance in the face of the regrettable but necessary punitive ceremony, was observed to betray the merest hint of expression only once, the ghost of a smile flitting across her divinely blessed face as the delinquent farmer’s joints ground free of their gristly moorings, separating from their groaning sockets with a sharp report not unlike that of a brass nine-pounder cannonade and nearly drowning out the peasant’s high, keening screams. In the final moments of the excruciation, Her Majesty was seen to evince a slight gesture to the Royal Oxherd, entreating that officiant to whip the oxen more stoutly, that the farmer be delivered without any more suffering than necessary to make the Crown’s displeasure known, and that the Royal Fusiliers might waste no time in relieving the miserable ploughman of his head, which was duly placed upon a spike above the gate to Buckingham Palace as fair warning to all who would dodge the tax. Before Her Majesty reportedly retired, satisfied, to the Palace, the Royal Chamberlain let it be known that the Queen, in her infinite wisdom and compassion, declared that families who have been visited by undue hardship may, in lieu of drawing and quartering, offer up their first-born son to be pressed into service with the Royal Navy.
Nation Celebrates MLK Day  #~# Today, Americans will celebrate Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday to commemorate his life and historic contributions to the Civil Rights Movement. What do you think?
Doctor Weirded Out By Patient She Just Met Providing Every Lurid Detail Of Medical History #~# PHILADELPHIA—Entering her examination room to find a woman describing in detail how she had once spent several hours coughing up blood, general practitioner Anika Korman described her state of mind as “completely weirded out” Monday when patient Catherine Moritz evidently decided to provide every lurid detail of her medical history. “I had barely walked through the door before she started describing how she contracted something she called ‘chicken skin’ when she was 9 years old. Jesus, lady, I’m practically a stranger,” said Korman of Moritz, who left nothing to the imagination in her graphic recounting of her every encounter with swimmer’s ear, UTIs, and yeast infections. “Totally and completely unprompted, she immediately disclosed her entire sexual history—right down to the names of her partners and the STIs she’s contracted. I’m like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey now, do I look like your best friend? You don’t just tell someone you had really bad diarrhea a couple weeks ago, or even that you had a nasty abscess in your ear in late 2012. I mean, do I know you? Slow down, lady, damn.” At press time, Korman was trying to exit the examination room as Moritz, having exhausted her own medical history, began recounting that of her 65-year-old mother.
Orlando Locals Fear Town Starting To Become Overrun By Tourists #~# ORLANDO, FL—Expressing concerns that their home was starting to lose its distinctive character, Orlando locals were reportedly worried Monday that their beloved town was becoming completely overrun by vacationers. “Don’t get me wrong: Tourism dollars have helped the local economy, but the downside is that we have people visiting from all over the world and threatening to destroy what makes us uniquely Orlando,” said lifelong resident Sandra Dugas, telling reporters that ever since the city was featured in a 2014 episode of Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown, it was becoming harder and harder to enjoy hidden local treasures like The Animal Kingdom and The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter without having to share space with large tour groups. “Just yesterday, my husband and I were hoping to grab a bite at one of our neighborhood hangouts, Chef Mickey’s, but we couldn’t even get in without a reservation. So we decided to just spend a quiet evening taking in the Happily Ever After fireworks show like we’ve done thousands of times before, but we could barely make our way through Frontierland without practically running over some out-of-towner snapping photos.” Dugas reportedly took some comfort in the fact that if she wanted to avoid tourists altogether, she could always head on over to SeaWorld.
Polar Vortex Splits Into U.S.-Chilling Rings #~# The polar vortex—the swirling winds above the arctic—has fractured into three rings that will spread freezing temperatures through the eastern U.S. in late January. What do you think?
Michael Cohen Says He Paid To Rig Polls In Trump’s Favor #~# Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen revealed that he paid $13,000 at the direction of Trump to rig several 2016 polls in the then-presidential candidate’s favor. What do you think?
Patriots Score 2 Touchdowns Against Chiefs In Preemptive Strike Before AFC Championship Game #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—In an effort to gain a competitive advantage against a formidable opponent, the New England Patriots scored two touchdowns against the Chiefs Friday in a preemptive strike before Sunday’s AFC Championship Game. “We knew we had to do something to catch them off guard, so we ran a no-huddle offense before they stepped onto the field and were able to get 16 points on the board after those two-point conversions,” said Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who overcame several dropped passes and a botched snap before finding the end zone twice. “Hopefully it’ll be tough for the Chiefs to overcome this deficit—especially if we win the coin toss and can put another score on the board before they even get a possession. I think it should give our defense the opportunity to pin their ears back and get after the QB. Mahomes tends to get careless with the ball when he’s playing from behind.” At press time, Chiefs head coach Andy Reid had already squandered all of the team’s timeouts before kickoff. 
ICE Launches Campaign To Reunite Immigrant Children With Arresting Officer #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to ease the transition of vulnerable young refugees into an unfamiliar new home, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced a new campaign Friday which aims to reunite immigrant children with their original arresting officer. “We intend to extend every effort to find the ICE officer who first arrested a given child all those months ago and then send them to the child’s school or foster home to pick him or her up for what we’re sure will be a highly emotional and tearful reunion,” said ICE deputy director and acting director Ronald Vitiello in a statement to the press in which he attempted to address allegations of trauma inflicted on young migrants at the U.S.–Mexico border. “In many cases, these children have been completely separated from their arresting officer for months. Some of them are even living in environments where they never see any law enforcement agents at all, let alone heavily armed officers in body armor. It’s only right we see that they are put back in the care of the officer who originally apprehended, handcuffed, and detained them. We won’t rest until every immigrant child is back safely in the arms of the ICE agent they know best.” Vitiello went on to proudly state that hundreds of such reunions had already happened outside homes, schools, and places of worship across the country.
ISS Astronaut Sick Of Sharing Confined Space With Crass, Disgusting Partner From Polaris 8 #~# LOW EARTH ORBIT—Maintaining that he is always the one wiping ectoplasm off the zero-gravity toilet at the end of the week, Expedition 57 astronaut Alexander Gerst confirmed Friday that he has grown sick of sharing the confines of the International Space Station with his “crass, thoughtless, insensitive, and disgusting” fellow crew member from Polaris 8. “As if it wasn’t bad enough that Zorblaks is constantly changing the thermostat to 245 degrees, he’s always listening to those dissonant 28 kHz resonances his species calls music when I’m trying to sleep,” said Gerst, claiming that he also can no longer stand the smell of the multi-limbed, 550-pound mission specialist’s food, not to mention the acrid reek of the viscous, oozing waste it then instantly excretes from its pores. “Sure, I admit I’m a bit of a neat freak—you can imagine how much I hate seeing him ooze all over the lab equipment—but I don’t think anyone would appreciate the corroded dishes he ruins with the protective acids that coat his outer integument. God, I can’t wait to get a bunkmate who doesn’t sleep in a carbon-dioxide-and-sulphuric-acid atmosphere.” Upon being informed of his colleague’s complaints, a contrite Zorblaks announced plans to prepare a special fulminating seven-course ammoniacal meal for Gerst as a peace offering.
Fans Shocked After Marie Kondo Reveals She Has Been Dating Untidy Cupboard For Past 6 Months #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Shocked, disillusioned, and even somewhat betrayed by the unlikely pairing, fans of best-selling author and decluttering guru Marie Kondo were reacting with general disapproval Friday at the news that the organizing consultant has been dating an untidy kitchen cupboard since July of last year. “I can’t believe she has the gall to enter people’s homes, rummage through all their personal belongings, and tell them to throw out their things while she’s out there sharing a perfectly made bed with a messy old cupboard,” said Tidying Up With Marie Kondo enthusiast Catherine Walstrom, 31, who claimed she lost all faith in Kondo’s signature KonMari method after seeing photos of Kondo attending a formal dinner with the unkempt storage unit as it overflowed with unused tea kettles, old recipe books, and promotional coffee mugs. “I’ve spent hours learning to fold my shirts perfectly, so it seems hypocritical for her to go around with a beat-up cabinet that smells of expired coupons. I guess I just imagined her with a clear plastic bin—one featuring handles in which everything is visible, the contents arranged to stand vertically—but seeing her with that loose-hinged disaster just makes me feel like the magic of tidying up is nothing but a big lie.” More forgiving fans theorized that perhaps the cabinet did indeed at one point spark joy within Kondo, and that she simply may not yet be ready to thank the dilapidated cabinet for its service and toss it aside.
Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water  #~# KANSAS CITY—Expressing regret and shame for having “completely overindulged,” New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady confessed feelings of guilt Friday after gorging himself on a full order of Kansas-City-style tap water. “Ugh, I’ve compromised my own standards and my responsibility to my team by devouring an entire 32-ounce glass of non-ionized fluid,” said Brady, who added that he couldn’t believe the locals considered such a massive portion to be a normal-sized serving. “And I have to tell you, K.C.-style tap water is just so thick and tangy that I don’t know how I even managed it. I’m feeling utterly bloated and lethargic—I don’t know how I’m going to hit the gym in three minutes. I admit it—it was delicious and I just wanted to lick up every drop and couldn’t stop myself. I wish someone had cut me off, because I demolished that tumbler of water with reckless abandon. Oh, God, it’s all over my shirt and face.” Brady then announced that he would be lying down in his hyperbaric chamber until game time.
Yahoo! Turns 25 #~# Founded in January 1994, Yahoo! has been involved in many of the internet’s biggest changes and challenges over its existence. The Onion looks back at the biggest moments in the web service provider’s 25-year history.
Woman Didn’t Know Progress On Toxic Masculinity Would Turn Boyfriend Into Such A Weepy Little Pansy #~# APPLETON, WI—Expressing disbelief at her romantic partner’s dramatic behavioral shift, local woman Emily Kittleson, 30, told reporters Friday that she had not expected her boyfriend’s attempts to recognize and curtail toxic masculinity would eventually turn him into a “weepy little pansy.” “Christ, I know the dope is trying to be conscious of the effects of his words and actions and to be more open and honest with his emotions, but there’s got to be a limit,” said Kittleson of her boyfriend Shane Magnusen, 31, whose efforts to reject toxic masculinity have begun to irritate her as she claims he has evolved into “a fragile fucking flower about everything” in recent weeks. “Of course I’m happy for social progress and all, but this ineffectual shit is not what I signed up for. Instead of suppressing his emotions about major issues in his life, he cries at sad commercials. Our fights used to be him screaming at me for a few minutes and that was it, not great but not terrible. Then last night, we get into an argument that somehow turns into me nodding and making comforting noises while he talks about his strained relationship with his dad until well after midnight. Like, come on, I don’t have time to indulge this self-centered crap.” Kittleson was also compelled to interrupt her statements twice, groaning and rolling her eyes while responding to text messages from Shane regarding their couples’ therapy appointments later that week.
John Bolton Insists Iran Likely Harboring Dangerous Terrorist Osama Bin Laden #~# WASHINGTON—In an impassioned call for preemptive action against the Middle Eastern nation, United States national security advisor John Bolton insisted Thursday that Iran was likely harboring the dangerous terrorist Osama bin Laden. “For the good of our nation, we must act immediately,” said Bolton, citing several intelligence reports providing significant evidence that Iran is currently providing sanctuary to the Al-Qaeda leader and mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks. “We must never rest until this fugitive is brought to justice, and the only way to achieve that is through repeated and prolonged military strikes on Iran. We have reason to believe that he’s living in a compound there where he’s training a legion of bloodthirsty Iranian civilians to take up arms as the next generation of terrorists. It is our solemn duty as the international safeguard of freedom to prevent this at all costs.” At press time, Bolton had left the podium to follow up on an important tip that Iranian leaders had hired American nuclear physicist Otto Gunther Octavius. 
‘Don’t Make Me Regret This,’ Mueller Tells Rick Gates Before Uncuffing Him To Work On Investigation Together #~# WASHINGTON—Advising the former political consultant not to take advantage of his goodwill, Special Counsel Robert Mueller reportedly told Rick Gates Thursday “don’t make me regret this” before uncuffing him to work on the Trump investigation together. “You’ve helped me out so far, and I appreciate that, but I’ve got my eye on you, Gates, so don’t try anything stupid,” said Mueller, placing his gun on the table as the man who pleaded guilty to conspiracy against the United States and had since been aiding in the Russia investigation massaged his sore wrists, then opening the door to the motel room where Gates had been under lock and key for months. “You track down my leads and get me what I want, and we’ll keep this cordial. I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you, Gates, but we’re in this mess together, and dammit if you’re not the only one who can get us out. But if you cross me, if you step even a toe out of line, you’re finished. Remember that.” Mueller added that Gates better not even think of trying anything like the stunt Paul Manafort pulled and make a break for it right after the handcuffs were off, because it was only going to make things much, much worse for him in the long run.
Pelosi Asks Trump To Delay State of the Union During Shutdown #~# House Speaker Nancy Pelosi asked the president to delay the State of the Union—typically scheduled for January 29—until the shutdown ends, citing security concerns and obstacles in planning. What do you think?
Poll Finds 100% Of Americans Blame Shutdown Entirely On Colorado Representative Scott Tipton #~# WASHINGTON—A new Pew Research poll published Thursday revealed that 100 percent of Americans blame the United States federal government shutdown entirely on Scott Tipton (R-CO). “From the Rust Belt to the Sun Belt, across all income brackets and racial demographics, every single respondent surveyed came to the same conclusion that Colorado congressman Scott Tipton was solely at fault for this shutdown,” said lead researcher Michelle Sanger, who explained that the 24-hour news coverage broadcasting Tipton’s failure to negotiate and compromise likely contributed to the U.S. populace’s negative perceptions of the representative from Colorado’s third district. “As far as the American people are concerned, Tipton and Tipton alone owns this shutdown. And the more he continues to foist blame on others, the deeper the animus against him will grow. This will go down in the history books as the Tipton shutdown.” At press time, researchers said that the poll indicated a clear directive to representative Tipton to finally rise to the occasion, as only he alone can put an end the budget impasse.
Presumptuous Congressional Freshman Thinks She Can Just Come In And Represent Constituents #~# WASHINGTON—Strutting into the Capitol like she had some kind of electoral mandate, presumptuous congressional freshman Debbie Mucarsel-Powell (D-FL) thought Thursday that she could just come in and start representing her constituents. “I’m sorry, big shot, but that’s just not the way things work around here,” said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, explaining that the Florida representative needed to spend at least her first three terms memorizing obscure parliamentary procedures, sucking up to party leaders, and groveling to corporate donors before she could even consider drafting a law benefiting her home district. “She can’t just waltz in here with a list of demands from her constituents and do something about it. Christ, the fucking gall, thinking she can just represent the beliefs and desires of the people who elected her. She’s out there holding town halls and tweeting about healthcare—who the hell does she think she is? Here’s some advice, Debbie: Wait until you’re a cynical, shallow husk of yourself, and only then will you be ready to properly govern. Otherwise, you keep your head down, you vote for what we put in front of you, and you fundraise.” Hoyer, who grew visibly agitated, recommended that the novice lawmaker quit rabble-rousing and get back to him when she’s 75 and a millionaire.
Ames Executives Scrambling After New Shovel Design Leaks #~# CAMP HILL, PA—Noting that the revamped tool was not scheduled to be unveiled for another six months, Ames executives were reportedly scrambling Thursday after designs for the new Ames 9443 Snow Shovel were leaked to the public. “The company is currently in the process of investigating how these top-secret designs were made available online and figuring out what this means for the highly anticipated product’s debut,” said Ames public relations representative Patrick Krewsky after an anonymous source posted schematics for the new digging utensil to the popular shovel blog “Shovelations.” “The Ames 9443 Snow Shovel is currently still in development, so I cannot confirm that the state-of-the art snow removal instrument will retain the five-foot-long length or the ergonomic D-grip handle shown in the leaked design when production is complete. However, Ames does promise that the device will be the most durable snow shovel of its kind and boast unmatched scooping capacity.” At press time, sources confirmed that Ames had delayed the launch of the 9443 Snow Shovel in order to address the strong backlash from shovel enthusiasts over the lack of difference between the Ames 9443 and its predecessor, the Ames 8380.
This The Fuck Harness Sex Shop Worker Has At Home #~# PHILADELPHIA—Calling Euphornica the only model he trusts with his raw-dogging needs, Pleasure Cove employee Jason Kempner told customers Rick Cantor and Jennifer Wilson Thursday that this, here, is the fuck harness he has at home. “This bad boy is the best one we’ve got. Sure, it costs a little more than the Commando, but you couldn’t ask for a more durable fuck harness or a better long-term investment—I’ve had one in my bedroom for a decade and it hasn’t cinched my balls or ass hairs once,” said Kempner, adding that the sex swing was easy to mount, stain resistant, and the model that he personally recommends to friends and gifts to family members for Christmas. “Those straps are really high-quality, no chaffing at all. I got a ton of mileage out of this one and it can hold 400 pounds for sure. Trust me, I set my brother-in-law up with this puppy just last week and he’s constantly raving about it.” At press time, Kempner had convinced the couple to take sex swing for a quick test fuck.
Netflix Raising Prices #~# In its largest such increase in history, Netflix will raise prices to $13 per month on its most popular subscription plan. What do you think?
Report: There No Way Of Knowing Whether The Vague Award Mom Won At Work A Big Deal Or What  #~# ROXBOROUGH, PA—Wondering what kind of honor a company bestows upon a part-time clerical employee, the family of local woman Maureen Tavlin, 51, reported Wednesday there was simply no way of knowing whether the vague award their mother received at work was a big deal or what, exactly. “She got this little plate that looks kind of like a trophy and might be important, I suppose, but the inscription just says ‘For your contributions,’ which could mean anything, really,” said son Brian Tavlin of the award presented to his mother at “some sort of banquet” that sounded like it might’ve been kind of fancy, but also could have been just a regular lunch. “Maybe everyone at the company gets an award? Then again, she said everyone clapped for her, which makes it seem like more of a special thing. I’ve always gotten the impression she doesn’t really care that much about her job, though, so who knows? It’s nice she got something, I guess.” At press time, Maureen Tavlin was reportedly putting the award up on her mantlepiece, which sources said could be a sign she was proud of it or could just mean she didn’t know what else to do with it.
U.K. Parliament Rejects Theresa May’s Brexit Deal #~# In a critical blow to the prime minister, the U.K. parliament voted to reject Theresa May’s Brexit deal. What do you think?
Fox News Debuts Premium Channel For 24-Hour Coverage Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez #~# NEW YORK—As part of its effort to provide the most comprehensive reporting possible on the freshman congresswoman, Fox News announced Wednesday the debut of a new premium television channel that will offer continuous, around-the-clock updates on Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “For an extra $8.99 per month, you’ll have an all-access pass to the AOC Zone, which features wall-to-wall coverage of every word Ocasio-Cortez utters, as well as in-depth analysis of her wardrobe and any videos we’re able to dig up from her college days,” said Fox spokesperson Avery Mattison, adding that the new channel will include uninterrupted live footage of the 29-year-old representative every time she appears in public, along with nonstop commentary from a 12-person panel of experts. “We know our viewers will come to depend on this outlet for 24-hour coverage of AOC, which is why her tweets, Instagram posts, and her latest wacky policy proposals will appear in a ticker at the bottom of the screen. We’re particularly excited for the premiere of the channel’s flagship program, AOC Tonight With Tucker Carlson.” Minutes after AOC Zone began broadcasting, sources confirmed its ratings had already surpassed those of Fox News.
Woman Rushes To Hide Fragile Objects, Cover Up Sharp Corners On Tables Before Boyfriend Comes Over #~# OMAHA, NE—Deeming her entire apartment an “accident waiting to happen,” local woman Jeanine Kratz, 29, told reporters Wednesday that she was rushing to hide any fragile objects and cover up sharp corners on tables before her boyfriend came over. “I really have to clean this place up as much as possible, because Chuck puts everything in his mouth and I worry he’ll swallow something and then I’m going to end up taking him to the emergency room,” said Kratz as she scrambled to remove any plastic bags the 32-year-old could suffocate on, place a lighter on a higher shelf, and hide any pill bottles that he could somehow “get his grubby little hands on.” “It’s honestly amazing what he’ll get into, whether he’s climbing onto my countertops, pushing over my television, or sticking his fingers into outlets when I’m not looking. Last time, he fell straight through my glass table—I thought he was going to die. And that’s not even counting the time he pissed all over the carpet.” At press time, Kratz excused herself to the other room after hearing a thud, followed by a loud wail and her boyfriend crying.
Pretentious Woman Refers To Slam Piece As ‘Partner’ #~# BOULDER, CO—Complaining about the 25-year-old’s superficial choice deviating from society’s standard relationship terminology, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that pretentious woman Louisa Owens chose to continually refer to her slam piece as her “partner.” “Oh, please—Jack’s your ‘partner’ now? Give me a break. Stop trying to sound so woke and sophisticated and just call him your boy toy like the rest of us,” said annoyed bystander Erin Friesen, rolling her eyes as she noted Owens’s refusal to “get down off her high horse” and just refer to her live-in fuck puppet using the normal, commonly accepted terms. “When you first started dating, you said you were so excited to officially call him your bang buddy, and now he’s suddenly your ‘partner?’ Alright, Ms. Gender Studies. What makes your relationship so goddamn important?” Friesen went on to wonder whether, if the couple got married, they would still refer to each other as “partner” or as their fucking nag.
Photo Of Egg Breaks World Record For Most-Liked Instagram Post #~# An Instagram photo of an egg posted by @world_record_egg received 35 million likes, surpassing the last record holder, Kylie Jenner, to become the most-liked Instagram post in history. What do you think?
Furloughed Government Employee Using Time Off To Visit Local Food Pantry She Been Hearing About #~# ROSEBURG, OR—Noting the wide variety of nonperishable items lining the shelves, furloughed government employee Sheena Enders, 38, confirmed Wednesday she was using some of the time off from her job with the U.S. Census Bureau to visit the local food pantry she had heard so much about. “I’ve driven past this place before, but this is the first time I’ve ever had the chance to try it,” said Enders, who has yet to receive a paycheck in 2019, adding that with her office closed she would have plenty of time to wait if there was a line to get in. “My friends from work keep suggesting I check it out. I guess some of them went there over the holidays. They warned me there might be a bit of a wait, but said there’s a good selection of items to choose from—pasta, canned soup, rice—even stuff I’ve never tried before, like powdered milk. I hope it lives up to the hype.” At press time, sources reported the gas to Enders’ apartment had been cut off and she had decided to treat herself to a day at the local emergency warming center.
Pros And Cons Of Pet Insurance #~# Insurance for pets has been on the rise in recent years, and is now an over $1 billion industry representing millions of pets nationwide, but many critics say it’s not worth it. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of getting pet insurance.
Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe #~# BRUSSELS—Saying they were tired of getting jerked around by some “has-been pseudo-monarchy,” fed-up European Union officials rejected the United Kingdom Tuesday and gave the British people 30 days to vacate Europe. “Listen, we’re so goddamn sick of this nonsense—grab your stuff and get the hell out,” said European Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker, adding that the U.K.’s 66 million inhabitants could “go kick rocks” for all he cared, but they couldn’t do it in Europe. “Seriously, we gave you bastards over two years to make a decision and you came up with jack shit—so guess what? Now we’re making the decision for you. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Later, assholes.” At press time, Britain had reportedly begun contacting former colonies in search of a place to crash.
GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment #~# Senator Mitt Romney and Majority Leader Mitch McConnell have sharply criticized GOP Rep. Steve King (R-IA) for comments he made that were sympathetic to white supremacy. What do you think?
Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along #~# NEW YORK—In a surprise announcement Tuesday, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer revealed that the blockbuster drug Viagra contained absolutely no active ingredients and that, all along, “the real medicine” that had been giving its users erections was confidence. “While many of our customers thought they were taking a PDE5 inhibitor to encourage blood flow to the penis, the truth is these pills were just placebos—it was actually pride and self-assurance that caused these men to have firm, lasting erections,” said Pfizer spokesperson James Griffin, who smiled while explaining that “sildenafil,” the drug’s chemical name, was just a made-up term, and that the true sexual enhancement supplement was something consumers had inside themselves the whole time. “The only performance issue our customers had was not believing in themselves. As for those prolonged, four-hour-long erections some users experienced, those were powered by pure self-esteem.” Griffin went on to reveal that any positive effects felt by patients taking the antidepressant Zoloft were the product of finding genuine happiness within.
NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood #~# SAN ANTONIO—Staring into the distance with his mouth agape and sweat beading on his forehead, NBA referee JB Derosa was reportedly terrified Monday after seeing a depiction of his own death while looking under the replay hood. “JB was under there a while on what seemed like a routine call, then all of a sudden, he pulled his head out violently. He was shaking, and he had gone completely pale,” said fellow referee Sean Wright, adding that Derosa was in a fugue-like state and completely ignored him when he asked if he was okay, only to later reveal to team physicians that he glimpsed a brief, spectral vision of his future demise in between frames of an attempted block by LaMarcus Aldridge. “After I grabbed his shoulder, he turned around and just started muttering ‘No, no, how?’ as his lower lip trembled in fear. Then his nose started bleeding. We still don’t know what the call was.” At press time, a frantic Derosa was desperately trying to discourage the NBA from holding its All-Star weekend in Charlotte, NC this year.
Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America #~# WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—Shedding new light on the U.S. populace’s view of current national predicaments, a Monmouth University poll released Tuesday revealed that an increasing number of voters hold the founding fathers responsible for starting America. “As many as 75 percent of voters blame the country’s issues on the leaders of the American Revolution for bringing the United States into existence, representing a 20 percent increase from a survey conducted last year,” said lead researcher Harriet Zipperman, noting that a majority of the electorate feels that matters ranging from presidential overreach, illegal immigration, wealth disparity, and governmental dysfunction can be traced directly to individuals including George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and James Madison for drafting the Declaration of Independence and ratifying the Constitution, which 62 percent of voters now view as a mistake. “Our data reveal that three out of four voting-age Americans would characterize the framers’ process of revolting from Britain and forming their own system of governance as ‘completely bone-headed’ and ‘lacking in even the smallest amount of foresight,’ and we only expect that number to grow as our politics become more and more contentious.” Zipperman added that the survey also revealed 55 percent of voters found fault with Abraham Lincoln for fighting to preserve the union. 
Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet #~# WASHINGTON—Standing uncharacteristically firm as the partial government shutdown stretched into the 25th day, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer admitted Tuesday that he was honestly pretty amazed he hadn’t caved yet. “Realistically, I thought I’d make it five days max before rolling over and giving them whatever they wanted,” said Schumer (D-NY), adding that despite lengthy negotiations with Republican lawmakers, he had oddly been unable to find the right moment to raise a white flag in the spirit of token bipartisanship. “It’s weird because giving up is just sort of what I do. I mean, the thought of folding has certainly crossed my mind, but for whatever reason, I still haven’t picked up the phone and demanded Democrats vote for a bill that funds the wall, or cuts Social Security, or concedes anything else McConnell might want. Frankly, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me—maybe I’m getting sick? Normally I back down right away. I’ve built my whole career on it.” At press time, Schumer urged Republican lawmakers to “do their job” and give him something, anything so that he could just surrender and move on.
FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians #~# After President Trump’s firing of FBI director James Comey, the bureau became so concerned about his behavior that they began investigating whether he was collaborating with Russia, although the findings of the inquiry are unclear. What do you think?
Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job #~# TULSA, OK—Dreading the day new technologies would emerge to render his craft obsolete, Vince Callahan, an autoworker crouched inside a robotic welding arm, told reporters Tuesday that he was terrified a robot would eventually take his job. “This is all I know how to do. If they ever make a robot that can do this job, I’m finished,” said Callahan, adding that, with 20 years of experience in the ultra-specific field and only a trade school degree, he would be unlikely to find another job in the event of being replaced by an automated machine. “Huddled here in the control center of a welding arm all day and performing the same identical task 2,000 times in a row isn’t exactly the easiest job in the world, but I’ve got a family to feed. I hope the powers that be understand that this job takes the type of heart and passion only a human can provide.” Callahan also expressed fears that robots would one day replace his wife’s job handing out soft drinks from inside a vending machine. 
Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment #~# CHICAGO—Stressing that the furniture would be perfect for hosting guests, your mom wanted to know Tuesday whether you could use Grandma’s antique, 12-person dining room table in your studio apartment. “If you want it, we can haul it over the next time I have a doctor’s appointment in the city,” your mother said, explaining that the table didn’t always have to seat 12 people as there were two leaves that could expand its capacity to 18. “We’re just cleaning out her basement and thought this might work well if you’re having a dinner party. Believe me, those 12 chairs will definitely come in handy the next time some unexpected guests stop by for game night. There’s also a matching china hutch where you can keep all of the antique crystal centerpieces. So, when can you come and take a look?” At press time, your mom warned that the table weighed over 500 pounds, but confirmed that your dad was available next weekend to help carry it up your eight-story walkup.
Poll: Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown #~# A new poll from SSRS found that 55 percent of Americans blame President Trump for the shutdown, while 32 percent say the blame rests mostly with the Democrats. What do you think?
‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over #~# LOS ANGELES—Buzzing with anticipation amid rumors surrounding the HBO show’s long-awaited finale, Game of Thrones fans nationwide expressed their excitement Monday after learning that the series would finally be over. “This is awesome. I’ve been looking forward to this ever since season one,” said fan Benjamin O’Callaghan, 31, who, despite hearing plenty of speculation on various Thrones forums and message boards, had remained hopeful that the series would eventually conclude. “The show has thrown a lot at us over the past eight years, so I’m usually just along for the ride—but they’ve been hinting about this for so long that I’m pumped to know that it’s finally happening. I just can’t wait to see the screen go black and let it sink in that I’ll never have to watch the show again.” At press time, O’Callaghan noted that he hadn’t been this excited about a show finally going off the air since the finale of The Sopranos.
GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to backlash over controversial remarks in which the congressman lamented that “white nationalist” had become an offensive term, the GOP stripped Steve King (R-IA) of his post Monday on the powerful House Segregation Committee. “Despite Representative King’s long and dutiful history on the House Permanent Select Committee on Segregation, given the current situation, we have no choice but to relieve the congressman of his assignment,” said House minority leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), adding that King’s racially charged comments could potentially derail the Segregation Committee’s mission to keep people of color separated from whites. “This distinguished committee must remain unblemished from this kind of hateful, divisive rhetoric so that it may continue to carry out the important work of subjugating those who are not descended from pure, Western European stock. The American people entrusted us to deliver on our sacred promise to create policies that isolate and disenfranchise minorities, and that’s a promise that we intend to keep.” At press time, House republican leadership, after much internal debate, had narrowed their search for a replacement down to the GOP’s top 25 most racist members.
Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that the ongoing shutdown, which has lasted nearly a month, had forced him to consider other options for work, furloughed federal employee Elliott Baker confirmed Monday that he had started an online search for a new government. “I like working for the United States, but I’ve got a family to feed and no one knows when this shutdown will end, so I’ve had no choice but to update my resume and go government-hunting on the internet,” said Baker, 36, an analyst in the Department of Housing and Urban Development and a married father of two, noting that he’d already opened several browser tabs with information about governments he might be interested in, including China, Belize, and Madagascar. “It’s pretty discouraging to have to start the government search over again at my age, especially since I’d hoped to make a career working in the United States, but it’s important to remember that there are plenty of other governments out there. Ideally, I’m looking for a federal republic, since that’s where my experience is, but I’d be open to something like Malaysia’s constitutional monarchy or a parliamentary republic like Kyrgyzstan, or even a military dictatorship. And who knows, maybe making a government switch will actually be the best thing for my career.” At press time, Baker was considering defecting with his family across the world after hearing from a fellow furloughed federal employee that the North Korean government might be hiring.
Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to prepare the nominee to speak in front of the Senate, advisors to Donald Trump’s attorney general pick William Barr reportedly instructed him Monday to avoid referring to the president as “my liege” during his confirmation hearing. “Mr. Barr, we recommend you eliminate the phrase ‘His Excellency’ from your testimony altogether,” said Chief Advisor Graham Johnson, who urged Barr to maintain an appearance of impartiality by abstaining from lying prostrate on the floor and muttering “long may he reign” whenever the president’s name was mentioned. “We want to make sure you don’t tip your hand on your views regarding presidential authority, so to that end, calling him ‘The President’ or simply ‘Mr. Trump’ is sufficient—there’s no need to add titles like ‘The Most High, Most Sacred, Most Powerful.’ Additionally, we’d suggest you keep any opinions about Trump having been ordained from on high by God himself close to the vest.” Johnson further cautioned Barr that it could lead to poor optics if he greeted Trump during their next meeting by kissing the hem of the president’s pant leg and swearing his undying fealty to the one true ruler. 
R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over #~# NEW YORK—Saying she had no idea the final chords were going to go on as long as they did, local R&B singer Kaila Robinson decided Monday that she might as well just keep moaning into the mic until the end of the song. “Well, I finished all of the words I planned to sing and we still have 30 seconds on the track, so...I might as well just some make deep, emotive noises for a while,” said Robinson, adding that she would probably start by wailing in her regular voice before throwing in a few falsetto notes for good measure. “There are three of us up here, so I assume that they’ll probably be moaning, too. Maybe we’ll do a little harmony or a round or something. The backup singers seem to be doing your traditional ‘mmmmuuhhhhhh,’ so I’ll definitely moan some ‘yeeeeeeeuuuuuuhhhhssss’ for some variety. Actually—shit, the song’s still going. I guess maybe I’ll do a couple dozen variations on the world ‘baby’ for a while.” At press time, sources reported that even after the background music had ended, Robinson still continued moaning for an additional 17 minutes.
Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs #~# CARBONDALE, IL—Stating their dumbass intentions to get a running start and scream “cowabunga,” the nation’s idiots announced plans Monday to jump off their roofs into a pile of snow and break their fucking legs. “We dunces stand on our roof gutters today, fully prepared to jump 20 feet to the ground and straight into a mountain of powder that we assume will break our fall, but almost certainly will cause our bones to crack,” said 29-year-old dipshit Lyle Bennett, one of thousands of morons nationwide who will snap their limbs in motherfucking half after trying out a backflip, slipping on a roof tile, or doing a pencil dive and holding their nose as if going into a pool. “We will, of course, ask our idiot friend if he’s filming yet before we plunge down and shatter our arms, legs, and necks in one fell swoop. Consequently, you should expect us to repeatedly show our broken bones to the camera, flailing them around and freaking everyone the fuck out.” The nation’s buddies added that they promise to put the whole thing on YouTube, including the part where they simultaneously yell out “Are you okay, dude?”
Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives #~# LOS ANGELES—Touting the newest update as a “game changer” for those looking to find love beyond their third cousins once removed, Tinder announced Monday that their app will no longer match users solely with their distant relatives. “As of today, swiping right does not mean you will automatically be paired with someone who shares at least 12 percent of your DNA,” said Match Group CEO Mandy Ginsberg, adding that the app’s algorithm would now automatically seek to connect people with prospects outside the previous pool of long-lost siblings, unwitting in-laws, and other mutually attracted family members. “Yes, countless relationships on Tinder have resulted in users marrying someone with whom they share a great-grandparent or a distant aunt or uncle. But now, whether you’re looking for something casual, serious, or just a way to hook up, you will have the chance to meet someone outside your gene pool.” Ginsberg added that, for $3.99 per month, premium users could sign up for something called “Incest Plus” where they were only matched with their parents or siblings.
Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up #~# LOS ANGELES—Declaring this year’s awards-show-related crime wave among the worst in decades, the Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that the headless, handless body of Ethan Hawke was found dumped in Laurel Canyon, a crime consistent in its motive and its violence with the 2019 Oscar race. “Unfortunately, the brutal, harrowing killing of the man who put in such a riveting, harrowing appearance in First Reformed aligns completely with the violent crime surge that tends to build as we approach awards season, and Oscar-related torture–murders are certainly no exception,” said LAPD officer Aaron Lopez, who noted that while Hawke’s murder was still under investigation, any list of suspects had to include fellow Oscar acting frontrunners Bradley Cooper for his complex turn in A Star Is Born, Hugh Jackman for an under-the-radar virtuoso showing in The Frontrunner, and much-beloved but perennial Oscar also-ran Robert Redford for his swan song performance in The Old Man And The Gun. “Competition is pretty steep this year, so it’s likely this is only the first killing of many. We have officers staking out every major nightclub, restaurant, and screening room to try and prevent further loss of potential-nominee life, but unfortunately, there’s only so much we can do this time of year except speculate. It’s dangerous out there.” Officer Lopez was forced to cut his interview short as he was called away following the discovery of over a dozen corpses in a Sherman Oaks mansion, which, at press time, were believed to be the entire cast of probable Best Picture nominee Boy Erased. 
CIA Issues Posthumous Apology After New Evidence Clears Osama Bin Laden Of Involvement In 9/11 Attacks #~# LANGLEY, VA—Admitting that the organization had erroneously rushed to judgment in response to an unimaginable tragedy, CIA director Gina Haspel issued a posthumous apology Wednesday to the family of Osama bin Laden in light of new evidence which conclusively clears the former Al Qaeda leader of any involvement whatsoever in the 9/11 attacks. “The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency extends its most sincere and heartfelt apologies not only to Mr. bin Laden, but also to his grieving family and the many friends who stood by his side,” said an emotional Haspel, acknowledging for the first time that the CIA had based its entire 9/11 investigation on the testimony of a single, questionably reliable eyewitness who later recanted. “Our organization acted in haste and without full knowledge, and in doing so, took the life of a loving husband, father, businessman, and highly effective community organizer. We understand there is nothing we can do or say will bring Osama back, but we hope the bin Laden family will accept restitution of $18 million in recognition of their pain and suffering. No one deserves to endure what you have been through.” Haspel further confirmed that the agency was now operating under the assumption that Zacarias Moussaoui acted alone in perpetrating the events of 9/11.
It’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do It #~# All of us do or say the wrong thing from time to time. It’s my belief that what matters most is not the mistakes we make in life, but how we choose to respond after we’ve made them. Refusing to acknowledge our errors is easy: We simply presume that we are correct and ignore any facts to the contrary. Admitting we’ve messed up, on the other hand, can be pretty tough. And that’s why I don’t ever do it.
New Year’s Resolution #~# Each year, Americans celebrate New Year’s Eve by resolving to change some aspect of their lives. What is your New Year’s resolution?
Chicago Will Elect First Black Woman Mayor #~# The Chicago mayoral election will go to a runoff between Toni Preckwinkle and Lori Lightfoot, setting up a vote to send one of the two African-American women to the mayor’s office. What do you think?
25-Year-Old Man No Longer Impressed By Mewtwo #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Claiming that he had matured and grown into a more refined individual, local 25-year-old Dylan Harkin told reporters Thursday that he was no longer impressed by Mewtwo. “When I was 18, I was still, like, whoa, Mewtwo—but, honestly, there are way stronger Pokémon now,” said Harkin, noting that if you really “level up” your Tyranitar or Deoxys Attack Forme, they can counter Mewtwo’s pressure attacks and dispatch the genetic psychic rather easily. “I just looked at myself in the mirror one day and realized that I wasn’t a child anymore. Don’t get me wrong, when I got my first Mewtwo back in middle school, I was blown away. He was the apex—the ultimate ‘OG.’ There comes a time in every man’s life though when he has to move beyond the original 150. Listen, I respect Mewtwo for what he used to be, but after seeing him in Pokémon Go, I realized that we’d both changed. I have a condo, a wife, and a Mega Arceus now. I’m pretty sure it’s time to move on.” Harkin added that he probably wouldn’t even go see Mewtwo Strikes Back in theaters more than a half-dozen times.
Kim Jong-Un Panics After Returning To North Korea To Find Country’s Populace Has Escaped #~# PYONGYANG—Appearing alarmed upon his return from the nuclear summit in Hanoi, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un reportedly panicked Thursday as he walked through the abandoned streets of Pyongyang and realized his nation’s entire populace had managed to escape while he was away. “Shit, shit, shit—I never should have left them alone!” said Kim, who, according to sources, roamed the desolate cityscape shouting “Hello? Hello?” and wondering aloud what the point of having landmines and labor camps was if they couldn’t prevent a situation like this. “You turn your back for one second, and the whole population vanishes! They must have realized this was their one big chance and just gone for it. I didn’t think they’d ever pull it off, but I guess they did. Huh. I can’t blame my enemies for wanting to leave, but everyone? My family, my wife, even?” Reports confirmed Kim later spotted the last handful of citizens scaling the DMZ fence and pleaded with them not to leave him all alone.
Offended Mark Meadows Reminds Colleagues He Never Once Complained About Capitol’s Integrated Drinking Fountains #~# WASHINGTON—Defending himself against recent charges of racism, Rep. Mark Meadows (R–NC) angrily reminded his colleagues Thursday that he had never once publicly complained about the Capitol’s integrated drinking fountains. “It’s completely outrageous that my fellow members of Congress would slander me with charges of bigotry when I have shared a water fountain with African-Americans for over a decade without ever even batting an eye,” said the Freedom Caucus chair, citing his long history of racial tolerance that included letting black members of Congress use the same entrance into the Capitol building and waiting patiently in line behind them in the cafeteria without demanding to be served first. “Shame on Democrats for launching these false and nakedly political attacks against me when they know full well that I have never called the police on my black colleagues for talking to a white woman, or tried to deprive them of voting in committee. If anything, the real racists are those with the temerity to accuse me of racism.” Meadows added that his sterling record of concern for the betterment of the black community was evident from his history of comments suggesting they go back to Africa.
Jim Jordan Spends Hearing Demanding Michael Cohen Accept Blame For Covering Up Sexual Abuse Of Ohio State Wrestlers #~# WASHINGTON—Repeatedly attacking the credibility of President Trump’s former lawyer and asking why the House Oversight Committee should believe anything he says, Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) spent the bulk of his allotted time during Michael Cohen’s hearing Thursday demanding that he accept blame for covering up the alleged sexual abuse of wrestlers at Ohio State University. “I am not sure how you expect us to just sit here and trust that you’re actually going to tell the truth about your involvement with the president when you’ve said absolutely nothing about these scandalous abuse allegations—what are you hiding?” said Jordan, interrupting another congressperson’s questioning to call attention to the fact that paperwork Cohen submitted ahead of the hearing contained nothing about knowing that hundreds of OSU wrestlers were abused by a team doctor, including during the period from 1986 to 1994 when Jordan served as an assistant coach. “Who are you to accuse the president of crimes given your shady past and connections to Ohio State? You’re obviously only doing this to distance yourself from this disgraceful cover-up, and the fact that you won’t admit to your role in it completely invalidates any shred of decency you might have. Frankly, sir, you are a disgrace to the Buckeyes.” An irate Jordan also informed Cohen in front of the committee that it was particularly galling to hear that someone would turn around and betray those who had trusted him.
Engineers Still Unable To Produce Styrofoam Cup Without Little Center Nub Sticking Out From Bottom #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Frustrated at their lack of progress in the fields of disposable drinking vessel design and production, engineers at Function Engineering, Inc. confirmed Thursday that they are as yet unable to produce a styrofoam cup without the little center nub sticking out from the bottom. “This team, and dozens of teams before them, have worked on this challenge for over four decades without cracking it. The nubless styrofoam cup has become the industry’s white whale,” said engineer Roberta Quinones, recounting hundreds of failed prototypes, forays into the use of experimental materials, and desperate attempts to simply remove the center nub, all of which ultimately rendered the cup completely unusable. “We’ve collaborated with some of the best engineers in the country, but no dice. We’ve found that, unfortunately, without the nub, the cups tend to simply fall apart in one’s hands. We aren’t sure of the nub’s exact function. We only know that, far from being a useless remnant like the human appendix, it seems absolutely integral to the cup itself. For my own peace of mind, I have to believe we’re getting closer and closer to a nub-free cup every day, but if you ask me for evidence to support that, well, you’ll be as disappointed as we are.” Quinones also solemnly thanked all the structural, materials sciences, and general beverage container engineers who have bravely laid down their lives for the cause.
House Votes Against Trump’s National Emergency On Grounds That Only Congress Allowed To Misappropriate Funds #~# WASHINGTON—After passage of a bill to block President Trump’s use of a national emergency declaration to pay for a border wall, members of the House of Representatives voiced concerns Thursday about executive overreach, arguing that only Congress is allowed to misappropriate federal funds. “Throwing away millions of taxpayer dollars on vanity projects is Congress’s job, not the president’s,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi following the 245-to-182 vote to overturn Trump’s declaration, explaining that Article I of the Constitution clearly invests the legislative branch with the sole authority to mismanage public money. “Abusing the power of the purse is expressly reserved to the House and Senate. So it’s not up to the president to decide when we funnel money from one place to another, diverting it from its intended purpose. Burning through cash—whether we’re inflating the military budget or showering millions in unnecessary spending on our home districts—is an exclusively congressional task.” Pelosi concluded her remarks by praising the Founding Fathers for making the House, which is more directly representative of the people, the place where all bills for flushing money directly down the drain must originate.
‘Breaking Bad’ Movie In The Works #~# A feature-length sequel to the popular TV series Breaking Bad is being planned with series star Aaron Paul reprising his role as Jesse Pinkman and series creator Vince Gilligan returning to direct. What do you think?
Mueller Gives Up Trying To Get Report Published After Receiving 19th Literary Agent Rejection #~# WASHINGTON—Deciding it was time to “let the dream die,” Special Counsel Robert Mueller gave up trying to get his report on Russian election interference published Thursday after receiving his 19th literary agent rejection. “There was one agent who claimed he really liked my stuff, but didn’t think he could get any of the publishing houses to bite,” said Mueller, who described his report as a classic tale of deception, greed, and international intrigue exposing the rotten core beneath the superficial veneer of American politics. “I really put my heart and soul into this, so it hurts getting a form rejection letter from someone who obviously didn’t even read it. I used to pin them to the wall for motivation, but now I’m running out of room and that’s just super depressing. I still think the report is really compelling and has a lot of fun twists and turns. I even got a subscription to Publishers Weekly, but now I’m out 500 bucks and have nothing to show for it. I’m sure as hell not going to self-publish an e-book on Amazon. I guess maybe it’s time to just admit defeat.” At press time, Mueller reportedly elected to destroy his original manuscript rather than take an agent’s suggestion to edit the draft down to a 250-page YA investigation.
Poor Attendance At Intervention A Real Wake-Up Call #~# LAWTON, OK—Brought to the brink of tears by the concerned looks in the eyes of a few of his loved ones, Alex Sheehorn, 29, was presented with a serious wake-up call Wednesday in the form of the piss-poor attendance at his intervention. “I walked into my place to find Mom, Dad, and my Aunt Carla standing there, plus the mediator. The self-realization I’ve been avoiding for months hit me like a ton of bricks—for my own good, before it’s too late, I desperately need to get my social life on track,” said Sheehorn, who was forced to face how far gone he is when his sisters Meghan and Candice texted 45 minutes late to say they couldn’t attend. “Knowing that hardly anyone showed up for me in my darkest moments is exactly the motivation I need to make big changes. Starting today, no more excuses. I refuse to let my addiction prevent me from finally making more friends at work or my rec basketball league.” Sheehorn has since made a resolution to throw away his pills and find a more social drug to abuse.
Trump, Kim Meet In Hanoi Summit #~# Trump met with Kim Jong-un in Vietnam for a summit this week to discuss topics such as denuclearization, dropping sanctions on North Korea, and a potential end to the Korean War. What do you think?
Teen’s Natural Drive To Murder Sexual Rivals Successfully Channeled Into ‘Super Smash Bros.’ Victory #~# ROCKFORD, MD—Instinctively exerting his dominance over other potential suitors through aggression and cunning, local teen Tyler Daigle successfully channeled his natural drive to murder sexual rivals into a victory at Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Ah, gotcha! Dude, you totally suck at playing as Pichu,” said Daigle, who sublimated his deeply entrenched urge to demean and brutally attack any threat to his reproductive advantages into performing a three-kick combo, dodging a Power Ball thrown by Kirby, and beating the avatar of one of his opponents. “Haha. Guess I’ll just take that hammer from Bowser and then [use the rush of testosterone bestowed upon me by millenia of sexual adaptations to guarantee I eliminate anyone who dare challenge my place in the mating hierarchy]. Game over, baby! Hell yeah!” At press time, Daigle’s evolutionary inclinations to cement his alpha status had further caused him to call his recently beaten friend “a spaz” and then dead-arm him.
Pros And Cons Of Congestion Pricing #~# The use of congestion pricing, an extra charge on drivers for using roads where other public transit options are available, is gaining increasing consideration in New York City and other urban areas, but its detractors say the policies can hurt more than they help. The Onion examines the pros and cons of congestion pricing.
Cervical Cancer Could Be Eliminated In Most Countries By 2100 #~# Thanks to more widespread use of the human papillomavirus vaccine and increased screening rates, cervical cancer could be eliminated as a public health menace by the end of the century. What do you think?
Bernie Sanders Pledges To Release Ten Years Of Tax Returns #~# Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) promised during a televised town hall to release 10 years’ worth of his tax returns during his campaign for president, setting up a stark contrast between the Democratic frontrunner and President Trump. What do you think?
Trump Solemnly Lays Wreath At Site Where He Would Have Died During Vietnam War If He Weren’t Rich #~# HANOI, VIETNAM—Tearing up as he described the courage he would have had no choice but to summon had he not been born into a life of luxury, President Trump reportedly took time Tuesday before the North Korea summit in Hanoi to travel south and lay a wreath at the spot where he would have died in the Vietnam War if he weren’t rich. “Today we recognize those who, like myself, would have been forced to make the ultimate sacrifice had they not come from wealthy families who could call in a favor from a doctor friend and get exempted from the draft,” said Trump, speaking for several minutes about the death he would have faced if he had been unable to afford an elite education and, instead of receiving college deferments, had been conscripted to fight in a conflict in which more than 58,000 Americans died. “I would have died bravely with my fellow soldiers right here in this field had I not had a father who could pull some strings and make sure I never had to do anything like that. So today, I reflect upon and honor all those who were able to avoid service, especially those who received a medical deferment from a podiatrist who rented office space from their dad.” Trump went on to announce that a new monument would be erected on the National Mall in Washington to honor all affluent survivors of the Vietnam draft.
Man Starting To Think Only Reason People Hanging Out With Him Because They All On Same Jury #~# AUSTIN, TX—Expressing his concern that the relationships may be based on obligation rather than real friendship, local man Alec Crawford told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think that the only reason people were hanging out with him was because they were all on the same jury. “Sure, we all get lunch together and we’ve been pretty much inseparable for the last couple weeks, but there’s some part of me that can’t help but feel they’re only putting up with me because they’re legally required to do so,” said Crawford, admitting that he couldn’t quite shake the sense that they never would have met up at that bar the night before if they weren’t all sequestered in the same hotel for the duration of the trial. “Everybody has been cool, but there have been little tip-offs here and there that they might be more interested in their civic duty than nurturing the special bond we’ve formed. For example, a lot of them still refer to me as ‘Juror 4,’ and while they’re always happy to talk about what we might be getting for dinner that evening, as soon as I start trying to make plans for a weekend trip after the trial ends, everyone’s suddenly super vague and non-committal.” Crawford also noted that he had no reservations about his blossoming friendship with the defense attorney who had eagerly engaged him in numerous late-night conversations about how his client was innocent.
Catholic Church Brings In New Perspective On Solving Abuse Scandal With Appointment Of Toddler Bishop #~# VATICAN CITY—Hoping to gain new insights into the church’s sexual abuse problem by directly empowering those most likely to become its victims, Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he had elevated a 2-year-old boy to the position of bishop. “We’re confident Bishop Timmy can help us make real, systemic progress in addressing this issue,” the pope said following the toddler’s ordination mass, during which the new bishop drank from a chalice of consecrated Juicy Juice and was given liturgical vestments that included both a white linen snap-bottom onesie and a too-large mitre that kept slipping down his forehead. “For years, we’ve ignored the needs of these poor children, and now it’s time to give them a real voice within the clergy. His Excellency Timmy, who can speak at least 50 words and reproduce the sounds made by many of God’s creatures, will be that voice. I’m pleased to report several older clergymen have already volunteered to provide our youngest-ever bishop with one-on-one attention to ensure he is fully prepared for the role.” At press time, the new bishop was reportedly turning heads at the Vatican with his controversial decision to chew on a nearby crucifix.
White House Convenes Panel Of Scientists To Make Case That Trump Capable Of Crushing Train With Bare Hands  #~# WASHINGTON—Demonstrating their findings with a crumpled ball of aluminum foil, a panel of White House–appointed scientists convened for the first time Tuesday to argue that President Donald Trump possesses the strength to crush an entire train with his bare hands. “Based on this group’s assessment, the president could easily compress a 400,000-pound diesel locomotive and any cars it was pulling into a twisted mass of debris no larger than your kitchen table,” said Liberty University civil engineering professor Jonah Crockett, who heads the new presidential committee, adding that his calculations suggest Trump could then toss the entire train over his shoulder or, if he wanted to, swallow it whole. “We realize many people out there do not believe Mr. Trump could physically overpower a 3-mile-long freight train barreling down the tracks, so we want to set the record straight: He absolutely could. You may find scientists who tell you the 45th president could not grab a length of hot-rolled steel, bite a chunk out of it, and spit bullets, but they are all bought-and-paid-for members of a widespread, global cult of railroad zealots.” At press time, Crockett confirmed his team would next be investigating whether President Trump was perhaps capable of building a train so strong that even he could not crush it.
Man Worried He Stuck In Endless Cycle Of Drinking, Partying, And Having Good Time #~# PORTLAND, OR—Speculating that he probably should not want to maintain his current lifestyle forever, local man Greg Schatz, 34, expressed concerns Tuesday about possibly being stuck in an endless cycle of excessive drinking, hard partying, and generally having a good time. “Slowly, without my even realizing it, my life has entered a big feedback loop. Day after day, week after week, I go out, I drink until I haven’t a care in the world, I have incredible experiences with great friends I love very much, and then later, I come to feeling absolutely fantastic and I want nothing more than to do it all over again,” said Schatz, who claimed he was worried that someday he will look back on a life consisting of nothing but incredible experiences, enduring personal connections, and amazing memories. “I always tell myself this is the last Thursday I’ll go out for cocktails and end up having a blast, but then I find myself right back doing the same incredibly enjoyable things with people I love the very next weekend. I might stop for a week or two, but eventually, I fall back into the cycle of joy and celebration, and I’m worried that’s all there is to my life. I mean, I know a guy who’s in his mid-40s who still goes out and lives it up with his friends all the time, and he’s perfectly well-adjusted and content in every way. I don’t want to end up like that.” Schatz openly admitted that many of his fears come from watching his father’s ongoing struggle with happiness.
Brexit Could Be Delayed Until 2021 #~# A plan to delay Brexit until 2021 is being explored by the EU’s most senior officials, allowing the United Kingdom to remain as a member state as it negotiates its exit. What do you think?
Mom Decides Enough Time Has Passed To Lose Touch With Paramedic Who Saved Son’s Life #~# PHILADELPHIA—Saying it would likely be no big deal to skip her monthly phone call, Rhea Mann, 47, decided Tuesday that after five years, she was allowed to quietly lose touch with paramedic Eric Seversen, who saved the life of her son Brian in 2014. “At first, I’d be sending him flowers for Brian’s birthday or for Christmas and writing him long, thankful emails, but at this point, I don’t think we still have to invite his family over for an uncomfortable dinner party once a year,” said Mann, who was reasonably certain that she could just send Seversen the family Christmas card and pretty much leave it at that. “What are we supposed to keep talking about? Do we even have common interests? All I really say is, ‘Yeah, so, Brian’s 14 now,’ and, ‘Our family is so grateful you got to the skate park so fast.’ Also, to be perfectly honest, it’s not like he went above and beyond the call of duty. Any EMT would have done the same thing. It’s just his job.” Mann later decided to maintain contact after receiving a spontaneous text from Seversen saying how grateful he was to have her family in his life.
‘Green Book’ Wins Best Picture Oscar #~# The highest honor of the 91st Academy Awards went to Green Book, a film about a tour of the Deep South by African-American pianist Don Shirley and the Italian-American bouncer who served as Shirley’s driver and bodyguard. What do you think?
Mike Pence Criticizes Venezuela’s Use Of Torture, Starvation On Non-Homosexual Citizens #~# BOGOTA—Condemning the Maduro regime for attempting to silence and eliminate entire groups of people, Vice President Mike Pence issued a statement Monday attacking the Venezuelan government’s use of torture and starvation on non-homosexual citizens. “Across Venezuela, people are being kidnapped, tortured, and isolated from their families, and it is completely unacceptable for any nation to treat straight citizens like this,” said Pence, promising that the United States would continue to fight for democracy and the fundamental human rights of every non-gay Venezuelan. “Nobody who is attracted to the opposite sex should ever have to endure the pain and oppression the Venezuelan people have suffered. To see gangs of violent thugs attacking a straight person in the streets is an outrage. We want the world to know we stand with the hetero people of Venezuela.” Pence concluded his statement by declaring that all Christian people deserve a sovereign nation free from violence.
Netanyahu Defends New Alliance With Israel’s Far-Right Aryan Supremacy Party #~# JERUSALEM—Insisting that criticism of the political partnership did not take into account the need for a coalition large enough to enact his agenda, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu defended Monday his new alliance with the country’s far-right Aryan Supremacy Party. “My detractors must look at the bigger picture here and understand that although everyone may not agree with their belief in the genetic superiority of the Aryan bloodline, they are ready and willing to work with me,” said Netanyahu, adding that he had made a pact to offer multiple cabinet positions to the far-right anti-Semitic extremist group in exchange for their support in the upcoming April election. “They may hold a fervent belief in white supremacy and militant observance of Christian Identity, but the Aryan Supremacy Party is more than just virulent advocates of racial violence; they’re also prepared to toil on my reelection campaign, and for that I think it’s fair to reward them. People need to focus less on their broad anti-Semitism and Holocaust denial and look at the positive ideas these skinheads can bring to my future coalition government. For example, our ideological attitude toward Arabs aligns almost perfectly.” When reached for comment, U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo was quick to say that the Trump administration would not take any position on the alliance during an Israeli election year. 
MLB Players Association Advises Remaining Free Agents To Try Adding Keywords Like ‘Baseball’ To Resumés #~# NEW YORK—Stressing that the smallest details often help to secure an interview, the MLB Players Association advised the league’s remaining free agents Monday to try adding keywords like “baseball” to their resumés. “You’re going to want to use words that stand out to recruiters like ‘throw’ and ‘glove’—you can even put value-add words such as ‘home run’ or ‘WAR’ in bold to really make them pop,” said executive director Tony Clark, adding that players should also customize cover letters by using the names of the GM and coach as well as providing specific details as to why they want to play for a franchise. “Remember, teams are only going to be spending about 10 seconds on each resumé, so you really need to grab their attention. You can even stretch the truth a bit—don’t go saying you were MVP, because they’ll definitely check a claim like that. But for instance, if you batted seventh, you could embellish by claiming you batted in the middle of the order. Or if you were on the White Sox, just say you played in Chicago.” Clark also urged free agents to make connections with a team by taking a lower-level position like concessions management or ball boy.
Nation Still Outraged 1933 Best Picture Went To ‘Cavalcade’ Instead Of ‘Lady For A Day’ #~# WASHINGTON—Still seething with anger nearly 90 years after the announcement, the U.S. populace revealed Monday that they were still outraged that the 1933 Oscar for Best Picture went to historical epic Cavalcade rather than the pre-code comedy Lady For A Day. “Look, Cavalcade was a fine popcorn flick, but better than Capra’s Lady For A Day? Really? I’m sorry, but I’ll never forgive the Academy for that horseshit decision,” said New York resident Elliot Spencer, who echoed the near-unanimous sentiment of 323 million Americans in noting that not a day has gone by since the 1933 awards when he doesn’t find himself shaking with rage at the insult of depriving director Frank Capra the industry’s top honor and to instead reward such a paint-by-the-numbers, pandering piece of filmmaking. “The other day, I had a screaming match with a friend who said Cavalcade wasn’t really that bad. Seriously? I can’t think of a single greater injustice than seeing that hack Frank Lloyd onstage stealing Best Picture from Capra. God, I’m getting so fucking angry right now just remembering it.” At press time, the entire nation was stressing that they did think Green Book probably deserved to win this year.
So-Called ‘Atheist’ Doesn’t Even Barge Into Churches Screaming ‘You’re All Brainwashed Fools’ #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Casting serious doubt over his commitment, self-professed atheist Edward Horvath came under intense scrutiny Monday after sources revealed that despite ample opportunities, he has never once barged into local churches screaming that the parishioners are all “brainwashed fools.” “This guy fancies himself some kind of true non-believer, but I’d bet my imaginary soul he’s never snatched a Bible out of a stranger’s hands and ripped out the pages one by one,” said roommate Dan Taylor, also a self-professed atheist, in regard to the surprisingly non-confrontational 32-year-old, noting that Horvath has never once stood atop a pew during Sunday mass screaming that the whole charade was all a colossal lie. “Ed might pay lip service to atheism, but does he regularly accuse people who are wearing crucifixes in public for glorifying the torture of a Jewish carpenter—who, by the way, may not have ever existed? Has he ever thrown communion wine to the floor and called those receiving it deluded lotus eaters? No. We could never rely on this guy to storm into a packed worship service and dare the congregation’s imaginary God to strike him down while calling them all pawns in this sick little game of faith.” At press time, several members of the atheist community said they were “done with” Horvath after photographs came to light showing him smiling in a church during his brother’s wedding ceremony.
FDA Warns Of Using Young People’s Blood To Prevent Aging #~# The Food and Drug Administration warned that there are no proven clinical benefits to infusing a young person’s blood into an older individual, even as the practice has reportedly grown in popularity among some of the nation’s tech entrepreneurs. What do you think?
Sweating, Exhausted Christian Bale Stumbles Past 13-Mile Marker On Oscars Red Carpet #~# LOS ANGELES—Grimacing and tossing a cup of water on his face as the spectators cheered him on, a sweating, exhausted Christian Bale was spotted Sunday evening stumbling past the 13-mile marker on the Oscars’ red carpet. According to witnesses, the panting Bale had completely sweat through his tuxedo as he passed the red carpet midpoint, about two hours after the Oscars starter gun was fired. The actor reportedly staggered through a scattering of plastic water cups on the carpet as he retrieved a pack of energy gel from waist bag before pulling up behind the E! pace car to answer a question from Ryan Seacrest about working with Adam McKay. At press time, Bale had passed the 20-mile marker as a nearby Jennifer Lawrence doubled over and puked onto the red carpet.
Most Memorable Oscars Speeches Of All Time #~# Acceptance speeches are a cornerstone of the Academy Awards ceremony and have provided their share of tears, laughter, and controversy over the years. The Onion looks back at the most memorable Oscars acceptance speeches of all time.
Pope Francis Holds Sex Abuse Summit #~# Gathering bishops from across the globe, Pope Francis has communed a summit to address the protection of minors in the Church from the scourge of clerical sexual abuse. What do you think?
‘T. Rex May Be Smaller Than Previously Thought,’ Report 50-Foot-Tall Researchers #~# LAWRENCE, KS—Saying they hoped their fresh analysis of fossil evidence would help shed new light on the long-extinct theropod, 50-foot-tall paleontologists from the University of Kansas announced Friday that Tyrannosaurus rex might have been smaller than previously thought. “For decades, scientists have held that T. rex was among the largest carnivorous dinosaurs and likely an apex predator, but further study suggests a far more diminutive and less intimidating creature,” said 50-foot-3-inch researcher Marion Haines during a presentation of her team’s findings, holding her hand down by her waist as she estimated that a Tyrannosaurus stood only “yea-high” or roughly the size of her 3-year-old daughter. “We’re all familiar with movie depictions of this species as a fearsome, towering beast, but if there were one in this room right now, in all likelihood it would be more scared of my research team than we would be of it. While examining the fossilized specimen in our university’s Natural History Museum, we discovered we could actually pick it right up and hold it in our laps.” Haines also offered an apology to the museum, explaining that the T. rex’s bones were also far more delicate than previously believed and could in fact be inadvertently crushed in her bare hands.
PlayStation CEO Predicts ‘Post-Console’ World #~# Sony Interactive boss Shawn Layden predicted a future in which all consoles are united as one, saying that the Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4, and Xbox One all offer “great experiences.” What do you think?
Chicago Police Credit Their Extensive Experience Falsifying Evidence For Helping Solve Smollett Case #~# CHICAGO—Easily spotting what they described as a textbook example of a fabricated crime, members of the Chicago Police Department on Friday credited their own extensive experience falsifying evidence with helping them solve the case of actor Jussie Smollett’s staged attack. “We’ve been doing this sort of thing for decades, so we were really able to bring a lot of expertise to bear on this matter,” said CPD superintendent Eddie Johnson, adding that his officers—many of whom have built their careers on falsifying evidence to further their personal interests—were quick to notice similarities between Smollett’s letter containing crushed aspirin and their own tried-and-true method of planting cocaine on drivers during traffic stops. “One look at that letter, and our detectives, who have forged hundreds of documents themselves, knew it was a fake. And of course, the supposed attack was immediately suspicious because nearly all violent crimes in this city end with a dead black man at the scene. So this was very much an open-and-shut case.” Johnson went on to state that it was a shame Smollett had taken on too much too soon and wasted his potential talent for covering up unlawful, self-serving behavior, as the young man could have had a bright future with the force.
Teen On Verge Of Either Joining ISIS Or Getting Super Into Rollerblading #~# SUMTER, SC—Wavering over which of the two activities would be most fulfilling to pursue, local teen Ethan Horne told reporters Friday that he was on the verge of either joining ISIS or getting super into rollerblading. “I’ve been desperately searching for some meaning in my life, and it’s really beginning to look like I’m going to fill the void by moving to Syria to help establish a global caliphate or starting to focus on rollerblading way more seriously,” said Horne, who has been actively weighing whether it would be more gratifying to go to the park and practice heel toes, crossovers, and skating backwards or wage jihad on the West by beheading an infidel. “It’s a kind of a tough decision because I’ve been watching a lot of suicide bombing videos that have been a really huge influence, but then again, I went rollerblading the other day and had a total blast. I’m still on the fence because both rollerblading and ISIS have, like, these super close, tight-knit communities.” At press time, Horne had reportedly packed his roller blades into his suitcase after realizing that there was nothing stopping him from doing both.
Trump Demands William Barr Prove Loyalty By Putting Gun In Mouth, Pulling Trigger #~# WASHINGTON—Saying it was the only way to really know whether he could trust his new attorney general, President Trump loaded a single bullet into a .357 Magnum revolver and demanded William Barr prove his loyalty by putting the barrel in his mouth and pulling the trigger, White House sources confirmed Friday. “If you’re going to be in my Cabinet, I gotta make sure I have your complete allegiance,” said the president before spinning the cylinder and handing the loaded weapon to the whimpering Justice Department head. “I’ve been burned before, Bill, and this time I’m not taking any chances. Interviews, vetting, the Senate confirmation—all meaningless. This is the only test that matters.” At press time, Trump was reportedly leading deputy attorney general nominee Jeffrey Rosen into a darkened room and ordering him to murder a bound-and-gagged White House aide, who was believed to have betrayed the president.
Stock Market Soars After Investors Decide That Would Be Fun Thing To Make Happen Today #~# NEW YORK—Attributing the gains this morning to them being “just kinda in the mood,” top Wall Street investors confirmed the U.S. stock market soared in early trading Friday after they decided it would be a fun thing to make happen. “Often, you’ll see the S&P 500 rise because of a jobs report or international trade news, but other times it happens just because making the market go way up is what we felt like doing that day,” said veteran fund manager Jack Malcolm, who, like hundreds of his colleagues nationwide, reportedly woke up “feeling sorta blah” and chose to send all major U.S. indices climbing as a “nice little pick-me-up.” “To be sure, the catalysts for strong market performance can be complex, and it’s not always easy to put your finger on the factors pushing growth. But this morning we made the Dow rise, like, hundreds of points for no particular reason beyond wanting to see a big spike go way up to the top of the chart. And it did! It looked pretty awesome.” At press time, sources confirmed the entire global economy had entered a major recession after investors thought it would be cool to do that for a while.
Diamondbacks Settle Long-Standing Civil Suit With Offspring Of Bird Hit By Randy Johnson’s Fastball #~# PHOENIX—Finally closing a sordid chapter in team history, representatives for the Arizona Diamondbacks announced Friday that the franchise had settled a civil lawsuit with the offspring of a mourning dove who died after being hit by a Randy Johnson fastball during a 2001 spring training game. “We know this was an unspeakably traumatic moment for this family of doves,” said attorney Doug Muhlenberg in a statement on behalf of the Diamondbacks, who went on to lament how long the case had been stuck in litigation and referenced a contentious period which saw a large flock of bird protestors demonstrating outside the courtroom. “While no amount of money can bring back their father, we hope they can move on from this ordeal knowing that justice has been served.” At press time, the Diamondbacks announced plans to prevent similar incidents by installing a mesh netting over the infield. 
Mueller Probe May End Next Week #~# The Justice Department is preparing for Robert Mueller to conclude and submit a report of his two-year probe of Russian meddling in the 2016 election as early as next week. What do you think?
Spanx Introduces New Line Of Smoke Bombs For Concealing Unwanted Bumps And Bulges #~# ATLANTA—Calling it “a perfect feminine explosive” for any silhouette, Spanx officials announced Friday that the company had launched a new line of smoke bombs for concealing unwanted bumps and bulges. “Whether you’re going out for a night on the town or just getting dressed up for a casual dinner, these new flash grenades from Spanx will give you the full-coverage look you need to feel confident and fabulous,” said spokesperson Karina Lusk, adding that their patented, extra-thick mist is guaranteed to cover any unwanted “problem areas” when the device detonates. “Feeling bloated? Puffy? Never fear! Just grab your Spanx smoke bomb, toss it on the ground, and wait for the bang! Before you know it, those extra pounds will be hidden behind a cloud of billowing smoke, leaving you ample time to flee the area or drop through any nearby trapdoor. With that kind of firepower? Cellulite doesn’t stand a chance.” Lusk also teased the company’s upcoming release of a new line of slimming mix-and-match helicopter and rope ladder sets for concealing bumps and bulges from 10,000 feet in the air.
Unclear Why Stagehand Wrote Heartfelt Little Notes To Everyone In Cast #~# LEANDER, TX—Following delivery of the sealed, handwritten letters to every member of the cast, it reportedly remained unclear Thursday why stagehand Kirk Weiland had composed heartfelt little notes to all the actors who appeared in the Leander Playhouse’s staging of The Sound Of Music. “I think I was introduced to him at some point during the production, but other than that, I don’t recall ever interacting with him,” said Gina Kelsey, who portrayed Maria von Trapp and, like each of her castmates, expressed bafflement on the last night of the show’s run when she received a personalized message from Weiland written in a neat hand on nice-looking stationery. “In the note, he addresses me as ‘Gina the Machina,’ which is weird, because no one’s ever called me that before. Then he goes on to say he’ll always remember how hard we laughed when [castmate] Mallory [Tyler] auditioned for Mother Abbess, but I really don’t remember him or any of the crew being around for that. I suppose I might have said hello to him once or twice during tech week, but I honestly can’t say I know him otherwise.” At press time, sources confirmed Weiland was standing near the hors d’oeuvre table at the closing-night cast party and had yet to make eye contact with anyone.
Sweating CornNuts VP Stammers Way Through Pitch For ‘Nutsarito’ At Taco Bell #~# IRVINE, CA—Realizing his entire presentation deck consisted of little more than the proposed tagline “Twice The Crunch And Twice The Munch,” perspiring CornNuts vice president of marketing Jim Ralston was observed Thursday stammering his way through a pitch for a potential new Taco Bell menu item he termed the “Nutsarito.” “So, basically, we—just in time for, probably, Cinco de Mayo, we, I mean fans of America’s favorite fast food chain, in partnership with CornNuts, we will finally taste all five flavors of CornNuts. That’s with the Nutsarito, naturally, I mean,” said Ralston, who repeatedly referenced an index card on which was written the lone sweat-smeared word “Kernel-tastic.” “And we could do something called a Cornlupa, too, maybe? Corn-a-lupa? CornNuts could of course be sprinkled inside the taco or nachos, or maybe they’re in the shell. CornNuts are the shell! Yeah! For teens. Teens will love the Nutsarito, just like older people, though older people aren’t the target demo, especially for our Chile Picante and Jalepeño Cheddar flavors, which they hate. But wait—forget about that. Forget that. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, I’m sorry, let’s see. We have easy deliverables. We’d work with you. We don’t need anything on our side, we need you more than you need us, please, I’m asking for your help here. Nutsarito! I promise, it would work. It has to. Please.” After being thanked for his time and politely but firmly dismissed, Ralston was seen cursing through tears at the sight of a confident and smiling Bugles marketing manager arriving in the Taco Bell executive lobby.
Pope Francis Offers Molested Kids 10% Off At Vatican City Gift Shop #~# VATICAN CITY—In a gesture of goodwill intended to show the Papacy’s support for victims, Pope Francis announced Thursday that children who have been sexually abused by Catholic clergy would receive 10 percent off at the Vatican City gift shop. “While we will never be able to completely undo the damage that was done, it is my hope that those who were sexually abused can ease some of their pain by enjoying a discount on hats, T-shirts, and other merch at our lovely gift shop,” said the Pontiff, who explained that the reduced prices would be offered to anyone who could provide proof of molestation and came forward prior to his rise to the Papacy in 2013. “These were heinous crimes, and Christ calls on us to be generous towards those who have suffered. So please, browse the wide selection of devotional statuettes and decorative crucifixes available in our store, or go online and enter the code ‘MOLESTED’ to get the discount as well as free shipping on any orders over $100.” Pope Francis added that any clergy abuse victims who visited the Vatican in person could also enjoy a complimentary framed photo of either him or Pope Benedict.
Dog Can’t Believe Owner Left On Fucking MSNBC To Keep It Company While She At Work #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Expressing outrage at the obnoxious programming he’d be forced to sit through for the next several hours, local dog Tuffy reportedly couldn’t believe his owner had left the television tuned to fucking MSNBC Thursday to keep him company while she was working. “Jesus Christ, how does she expect me to watch this inane garbage all day?” said the 3-year-old labrador retriever mix, whining and burrowing his head into a pile of clothes under his owner’s bed in an effort to drown out the noise of Hallie Jackson interviewing Adam Schiff. “I have extremely sensitive ears, so I’m forced to listen to every last DNC talking point getting spoon-fed to me by these dumbasses. They’re so sanctimonious, I can’t handle it for much longer. I swear to God, if she’s not home before Chris Matthews comes on the air, I’m shitting all over the rug. I don’t understand how this doesn’t count as animal abuse.” At press time, Tuffy had reportedly knocked over his owner’s computer in a desperate attempt to get some ideological diversity by listening to Jordan B. Peterson’s podcast.
Mueller Admits A Smarter President Would’ve Totally Found Way To Stop Investigation By Now #~# WASHINGTON—In response to President Donald Trump’s continued attacks against the legitimacy of his probe into 2016 election interference, Special Counsel Robert Mueller admitted Thursday that a smarter president would have totally found a way to stop the investigation by now. “Listen, my investigation has been going on for two years, and any president with even a modicum of intelligence would have absolutely figured out a way to end this thing a long time ago,” said Mueller, shaking his head in disbelief as he listed a number of loopholes, executive maneuvers, and other strategies that any moderately smart commander in chief could use to invalidate the probe and prevent Mueller from bringing charges against anyone, much less multiple members of Trump’s inner circle. “When we started this thing I figured we’d have a month or two, tops, before he’d discover any of the pretty obvious ways that he could nip this thing in the bud. Hell, if Trump just had any negotiation ability or public relations skills whatsoever, he could’ve just used good old-fashioned deal-making to shut this thing down. I mean, if he knew what he was doing, even slightly, he’d be the most powerful man in the world. I’m actually impressed with how his every move just screws things up more. Christ, how much of a colossal fucking idiot do you have to be to let this go on and on?” Mueller also admitted that a smarter president would’ve found a way to actually cover his election interference up in the first place.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Supreme Court After Surgery #~# Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to the Supreme Court to hear oral arguments for the first time since her lung cancer surgery in late December. What do you think?
Bernie Sanders Announces 2020 Bid #~# Championing Medicare-for-all and a $15 minimum wage, Bernie Sanders announced a 2020 bid for president that will see him joining an increasingly crowded and progressive Democratic primary. What do you think?
‘We Will Not Repeat The Mistakes Of The 2016 Election,’ Vows Nation Still Using Internet #~# WASHINGTON—Promising that they had learned their lesson and would not fall into the same traps they did in the last presidential election cycle, the U.S. populace vowed Wednesday not to repeat the errors of 2016, while, at the same time, nearly every American voter continued to use the internet. “We’re not going to make those mistakes again—not in 2020, not ever,” said Cleveland resident Jerry Van Buskirk, one of 328 million U.S. residents who still spends hours each day scrolling through various social media platforms and consuming either news tailored by algorithms to magnify his pre-existing biases or outright disinformation aimed at duping him. “We refuse to allow a clickbait-driven journalism industry that privileges scandal and controversy over facts and nuance to shape our discourse. Our democracy is too important.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation had taken to social media to spread its message.
Mental Health Experts Recommend Calling Fratricide Prevention Hotline For Anyone Contemplating Killing Brother #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the more than 450,000 Americans annually who have ideations of taking their male sibling’s life, experts from the American Psychological Association strongly recommended Wednesday calling the Fratricide Prevention Hotline to anyone who might be contemplating killing their brother. “If you’re thinking of cutting your brother’s life short because you simply can’t bear him anymore, please reach out to the trained professionals at 1-800-NOT-CAIN, and they will be available 24/7 to remind you how many people love him and how he, in turn, loves you,” said APA president-elect Rosie Phillips Bingham, emphasizing that the service’s on-call professionals will not judge callers and are trained to guide potential fratricides through all manner of crises. “Your brother has so much to live for. No matter how much you hate him right now, he deserves to live. And once you’ve been talked down, you can be set up with someone who will help address the trauma—envy, jealousy, or simple rivalry— that led you to this point.” Bingham cautioned individuals who know a fratricidal person to be aware of important warning signs, such as someone giving away all their brother’s things or suddenly ending a relationship with a brother’s spouse or significant other.
‘Anthem’ Developers Assure Players Whiteboard With Words ‘Jetpack+Guns?’ Will Be Playable Game By Friday #~# EDMONTON, ALBERTA—Promising that they were tirelessly working to resolve issues with the long-anticipated blockbuster Anthem, developers at BioWare assured players this week that the whiteboard in their office that reads “Jetpack+Guns?” would be a fully functional and fleshed-out game by Friday. “We know the thousands of customers who pre-ordered Anthem have some concerns, but we are confident this collection of words scrawled on a conference room board will be a revolutionary third-person shooter experience when released at the end of the week,” said director Jonathan Warner, who shared a progress update with players by sending out a screenshot of an email chain that ended with an agreement to call the game Anthem. “There were some complaints when the early-access demo was just the words ‘Hubtown [NAME],’ but rest assured we now have concept art for the javelins in the works, and someone in production has a few mission ideas listed in a notepad somewhere. After seven years in development, we guarantee the empty file folder on my laptop will be a playable game that will blow people away.” Warner added that issues raised by several reviewers would be addressed with a day-one patch containing the code for the first two hours of gameplay.
Coca-Cola Releases New Orange Vanilla Flavor #~# After a decade without releasing a new flavor, Coca-Cola will launch an orange vanilla variety in stores this month, calling it “reminiscent of the creamy orange popsicles we grew up loving, but in a classically Coke way.” What do you think?
Dole Reveals One Cantaloupe Out There Contains $10 Million Check #~# WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Promising one lucky melon fan the chance to change their life forever, Dole revealed Wednesday that one cantaloupe currently for sale in the continental United States contains a check for $10 million. “What’s the only thing better than the sweet, delicious taste of a Dole cantaloupe? One that’s worth 10 million smackaroos, of course!” said company spokesperson Gene Harvey, adding that, as of last night, Dole had slipped the money inside a single “golden cantaloupe,” placed it onto a heavily armored delivery truck, and sent it to a supermarket with a still-unknown location. “Just below that glistening, orange flesh lies not only vitamins and minerals, but also a ticket to brand-new life. And don’t worry—if you’re not the grand prize winner, there are still plenty of other surprises hidden within our fruits, including several $50 checks or a coupon for a free Dole cantaloupe!” At press time, ravenous mobs of shoppers had reportedly stormed several supermarkets, sprinted straight to the produce section, and begun smashing open random melons in the aisles. 
Trump Agrees To Wear Wire To Take Down Roger Stone #~# WASHINGTON—Vowing to do whatever he could to help Special Counsel Robert Mueller investigate the campaign consultant’s role in 2016 election interference, President Trump reportedly agreed Wednesday to wear a wire to take down Roger Stone. “I’ve known Roger for years, but it’s time to put my country first and do anything I can to take this guy down,” said Trump as Mueller’s aides taped a wire to his chest, after which he agreed to let the special counsel bug his phone to listen in on future conversations that could provide evidence conclusively tying Stone to contacts from WikiLeaks and Russia who were trying to subvert the election. “I know I can get Roger to talk—give me an hour alone in a room with him and I’ll have all the damning evidence on tape, and then we can finally get this menace behind bars. I’m an American first and foremost, and if I can help undo any of the damage he’s done to this country, I’ll do it, even if it means recording Stone without his knowledge and lying to his face.” In addition to his desire to serve his country, Trump was also reportedly convinced to wear a wire by Mueller’s promise that any charges against him would be dropped. 
Man Competitive About How Depressed He Is #~# COLUMBUS—Upon hearing his friends describing their struggles with the mental illness, self-employed graphic designer Jacob Carden, 42, evidently became competitive Wednesday about how depressed he is by rattling off a list of important life and career events the disorder has ruined for him or caused him to miss altogether. “Oh, you’ve been stuck in bed until noon? That sucks, I know, I’ve had trouble getting up for months. I’ll be in bed until 2 or even 3 p.m. sometimes. I’m envious, really, because I’ll be pretty much unable to leave my room for days on end,” said Carden, adding that while some people have seasonal affective disorder, his clinical depression effectively caused him to experience its effects year-round. “I’ve struggled with these feelings since I was super young, too—I remember feeling a profound sadness when I was, like, 5. My whole family has it, so it’s likely genetic and not merely a chemical thing. My shitty home situation forced me to develop self-destructive coping mechanisms growing up. Not that I’ve neglected the chemical side of things—I’ve tried Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Effexor, Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Lamictal, Abilify, Vivactil, Cymbalta, and a bunch of others. They work for some people, but not me, I guess, despite increasing therapy sessions to twice a week to deal with suicidal ideation. Your constant low-grade depression and dysthymia sounds great to me, especially in contrast to how my cycling thing makes it impossible to manage what with the panic attacks, which are especially troubling given my family’s history of bipolar disorder and stuff. You don’t struggle with anxiety, do you?” Carden was eventually forced to concede to an acquaintance, who recounted, at some length and with remarkable detail, her struggles with OCD.
Pope Spends Afternoon Filling In Glory Holes All Over St. Peter’s Basilica #~# VATICAN CITY—In an attempt to repair the dozens of suspicious openings he had found drilled through the church’s thick marble walls, Pope Francis reportedly spent most of Wednesday using spackle and a putty knife to patch up all the glory holes in St. Peter’s Basilica. “I knew there would be some in the confessionals, but what kind of sick pervert even thinks to put one in the Door of the Sacraments or the Altar of the Immaculate Conception?” said the 82-year-old pontiff, who, according to observers, arose at 5 a.m. to mud over the 3-inch-wide apertures he’d found throughout the Renaissance structure, including one punched straight into the Chair of St. Peter. “Seriously, I thought fixing up the rectory bathroom was going to be the worst of it, but then nine hours later, I find myself on my hands and knees down here in the grottoes still slapping plaster on these things. Some of them must be hundreds of years old. This one actually says, ‘Pope Gregory V was here.’ Guess I’m going to have to get some paint for that.” At press time, sources confirmed Pope Francis shrieked in terror when he went to plug a glory hole in the tomb of St. Ignatius of Antioch and heard something moan with pleasure on the other side.
Biggest Snubs In Oscars History #~# The Academy Awards inspire debate every year about whether certain films, directors, and actors were recognized over more deserving ones, and over time, some of those overlooked movies and performances have come to seem particularly egregious. The Onion looks back at the biggest Oscars snubs in history.
MTA Urges Riders To Stop Taking Disabled Passengers #~# NEW YORK—In a sternly worded reminder of baseline subway etiquette, the New York City Metropolitan Transit Authority released a statement Wednesday instructing riders not to take disabled passengers for their personal use. “Transit personnel have seen a significant increase in train, bus, and ferry passengers taking handicapped passengers,” read the statement, which reminded MTA customers of the $200 fine incurred by riders abusing standard MTA passenger guidelines by picking up handicapped people and taking them back to their homes. “We realize that when stressed or rushed, you may absentmindedly grab a handicapped passenger—we’ve done it ourselves—but enough is enough. It’s extremely disrespectful, even dangerous, to take a disabled person from a train, bus, or park-and-ride lot. For their safety and yours, be aware of your surroundings. And please, understand that the handicapped are not yours to take.” The statement also clarified that fines apply to riders who take an elderly or pregnant passenger.
Trump Installs Room-Sized Golf Simulator In White House #~# Using personal funds, President Trump installed a $50,000 room-sized golf simulator in the White House as an upgrade of the version used by President Obama, allowing him to play virtual rounds at courses across the globe. What do you think?
Karl Lagerfeld Horrified By Uninspired, Garish Tunnel Of Light Coming Toward Him #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying the scene lacked any true imaginative impulse or sense of playfulness, late fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld was reportedly aghast Tuesday at the sight of the uninspired, garish tunnel of light moving slowly toward him. “Oh no, that light is far too predictable—that’s not going to work,” said the longtime Chanel creative director, who, according to reports, dismissed the portal as “celestial child’s play” and a “middle-of-the-road biblical cliché” as his weightless body drifted closer and closer to the passageway’s luminescent center. “You want to bore me? Show me a shimmering tunnel of eternal light. Maybe it was haute a thousand years ago, but now it looks hopelessly outdated. It’s just tacky, really, to have a light that’s so all-encompassing and transcendent in this day and age. It’s like a caricature of Heaven.” At press time, heavenly sources confirmed Karl Lagerfeld was begging for just 10 minutes alone in the tunnel to see if he could spruce it up.
Trump Confirms All Violent Options On The Table In Venezuela #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to remain as objective as possible when considering ways of addressing the ongoing crisis, President Trump told reporters Tuesday that he was leaving all violent options on the table in Venezuela. “If America’s interests are threatened anywhere in the world, the U.S. retains the right to use every brutal means it has at its disposal, whether that’s using drone strikes or chemical weapons, or just carpet bombing hospitals,” said the president, adding that he would not rule out addressing Venezuela’s instability with ground forces, unilateral bombings, or propping up a death squad in the rainforest that kidnaps and tortures civilians. “Obviously, we’re looking very seriously at the more traditional response of a bloody coup. But my advisors are also thinking up some creative solutions like detonating a nuke in the center of Caracas. It’s all worth discussing to find the best way to maximize casualties.” At press time, the White House released a follow-up statement announcing that all nonviolent options had been tabled except for starving the Venezuelan people through a few more sanctions.
Knicks Confident They Have The Cap Space To Ruin 2 Or 3 Promising Careers #~# NEW YORK—Insisting that he could easily lure several free agents into giving up their hopes for a championship, Knicks president Steve Mills confirmed Tuesday that he was confident the team had the requisite cap space to ruin two or three promising careers this offseason. “After making moves at the trade deadline to position ourselves, we are poised to sign at least two franchise players who will squander the prime of their careers here,” said Mills, who noted that the 2019 free agency class was “absolutely loaded” with superstar players that could blow out their knees, feud with the front office, or languish in a coaching system that doesn’t fit their talents. “If we play our cards right, we might even be able to convince three marquee players to take a pay cut, surround them with marginal talent, then have them wallow in the dregs of the Eastern conference for the next half decade and never return to their former levels. And with our promising position in the 2019 NBA draft, we might even be able to destroy the career of a highly touted college prospect along with them.” At press time, Kevin Durant was considered a leading contender to be signed and then traded away for extra cap space in 2022.
Passenger Glued To Airplane Window Like It Fucking 1956 #~# DENVER—Appearing inexplicably mesmerized by the unremarkable scenery below, Delta flight 2127 passenger Richard Hart, 38, was glued to the window of the Airbus A321 “like it was fucking 1956,” travellers confirmed Tuesday. “Jesus, this guy is staring out that window as if the miracle of aviation was bestowed upon mankind just this morning,” said Hart’s row 27 seat-mate Hannah Gordon, who noted that the “goddamned simpleton” had audibly exclaimed in delight before making a “dumbass” observation about how small everything looked. “C’mon dude. We’re not flying PanAm in the golden age. We’re flying from Denver to Salt Lake City. Meanwhile, this dope is gaping at every cloud like he’s the third goddamn Wright brother. You’d think we were flying over the world’s fair or something. He’s even dressed up like he’s expecting a leggy stewardess to bring him a martini and light his cigarette before we land at Idlewild. What an asshole.” Airline sources confirm that Gordon spent the flight enjoying the Mark Wahlberg comedy Instant Family like a decent person.
‘That First Date Is Going Terribly,’ Think Diners Watching Couple Celebrate 5th Anniversary #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting the couple’s dull conversation and bored expressions while dining at the otherwise enchanting Pepper Tree Restaurant, bystanders marked all the telltale signs of a terrible first date Tuesday as Crystal and Jacob Rubens celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary at a quiet, candlelit table. “Look how miserable they are, playing on their phones and sitting in awkward silence. She’s probably waiting for the famous ‘escape text’ from a friend to get her out of this mess,” said witnesses of the married couple, who recently moved into a larger home in the suburbs to accommodate their third child. “They clearly have nothing in common except their TV shows, which are pretty much the only thing they’ve talked about this whole time. Whichever one of their friends set them up on this disaster of a blind date is probably an asshole. I’m so glad I’m not single anymore. I don’t have to deal with that shit.” Jacob then presented Crystal with a small but practical gift, which the onlookers noted was “embarrassing” and “desperate” for a first date.
‘Aquaman 2’ Announced #~# Warner Bros. has brought back Aquaman’s writer to draft a sequel to the original film, which made $1.1 billion globally at the box office despite a negative reaction from critics. What do you think?
Aunt Scores Big With Nephews By Dropping Bombshell Story About Mom Smoking Weed As Teenager #~# BOSTON—Regaling her sister’s sons with previously untold stories from adolescence, local aunt Sherri Neely scored big Monday with her nephews Bobby and Ben Cecil by dropping the bombshell story about their mother smoking weed as a teenager. “You should have seen their faces when I told them about me and Marci getting high in the Van Halen concert parking lot back in July of ’81. They were hanging on every goddamn word,” said Neely, who delighted in sharing the detailed account of the night the woman, whom the 15-year-old and 17-year-old know as “Mom,” called in sick to her summer grocery store cashier gig, bought three joints from a total stranger on the bus ride to Boston Garden, and smoked them in the parking lot before and after the show. “At first, they said, ‘Yeah, right, Aunt Sherri, Mom is no fun and she hates music,’ but then I told them about how their mom actually became known around school for rolling these perfect little pin joints. I can’t wait to tell them about the time we hitchhiked to New York with the guys who made our fake IDs. They’ll go nuts.” Neely added that if the boys promised to be good, she’d tell them how their parents met on the night their dad sold their mom acid outside the bowling alley where he worked.
U.K. Passes Bill Making ‘Upskirting’ Illegal #~# The U.K. passed a bill outlawing “upskirting,” giving a maximum of two years to offenders who take photographs beneath a person’s clothes without permission. What do you think?
Coworkers Agog As Employee Introduces New Shirt Into Rotation #~# LANCASTER, PA—Awestruck by the sight of their longtime colleague struggling out of his jacket and adjusting his cuffs, coworkers found themselves agog Monday as data analyst Drew Terrell introduced a new shirt into his wardrobe rotation. “Oh, my God, he got a new shirt,” said Terrell’s cubicle neighbor Kelly Brennan, accurately summing up the sentiments of her officemates, all of whom could be seen murmuring and nodding amongst themselves due to the article of clothing. “Tell me you’ve seen Drew’s shirt? Come on, scoot over so you can get a better look. See? He is wearing it now. Powder blue.” At press time, sources confirmed Terrell’s colleagues would be disappointed later in the week when the data analyst arrived for work in one of his old and previously worn shirts.
Female Brains More Youthful Than Male Ones #~# A recent study found that women’s brains tend to appear to be about three years younger than those of men at the same age, a difference scientists suggest could give them an advantage in maintaining cognitive acuity as they get older. What do you think?
Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency #~# After dozens of polar bears flooded into the Novaya Zemlya archipelago, local authorities have declared a state of emergency. Environmental experts in the region have arrived to sedate and remove the population. What do you think?
Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation #~# WASHINGTON—Providing a lengthy, comprehensive explanation of the factors influencing his decision to declare a national emergency that would send military funding and personnel to the nation’s southern border, President Donald Trump offered a clear, historical precedent Friday for deploying the U.S. military with no provocation. “What the critics who have questioned the validity of my actions seem to be ignoring is that there are abundant examples of instances in the history of this country wherein a president invoked his executive powers to station troops, not to defend ourselves against an aggressor, but simply to further our nation’s economic and political interests,” said Trump at press conference, frequently referencing a chart he had created tracking U.S. military deployments through history both within the country and abroad, specifically citing President Andrew Jackson overriding the Indian Removal Act and the Supreme Court ruling in Worcester v. Georgia in the forced expulsion by the military of the Cherokee from their lands, the secret use of military advisors and support by Dwight D. Eisenhower in the 1953 Iranian coup d’état, and the recent precedent of extraneous invasions of other countries without the approval of Congress in violation of the War Powers Resolution by Presidents Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama. “Listen, folks, I would invite you to consult the history books, where you will see that posting troops at the border in the defense of an exaggerated claim that such security is needed to protect Americans is broadly in line with similar invasions, troop deployments, and other military activities throughout American history perpetuated to annex land, attack countries with governments not subservient to our country, or to further the interests of our client states. What I’m doing is entirely in keeping with the way that the U.S. government usually acts—time and time again, our leaders have ignored the basic conditions that would prompt acceptable military action, so why should this national emergency be treated differently? To this end, I would quote the words of Noam Chomsky, who said that ‘If the Nuremberg laws were applied, then every post-war American president would have been hanged.’ I would additionally invite my critics to consult scholarly texts on William McKinley’s role in the annexation of the Philippines, the rationale used by Lyndon Johnson for ramping up troops in Vietnam, and Richard Nixon’s economic warfare in the 1973 Chilean coup, as I have, if they are interested in understanding why any accusation that I, as president, do not have historical precedent to back me up on this border security effort is without merit.” Trump also added that such precedents, as well as U.S. military activity in Nicaragua, El Salvador, and Cuba, would give him more than sufficient historical justification for any similarly unprovoked, unilateral military action his administration may decide to undertake in Venezuela.
Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution #~# WASHINGTON—Enthusiastically praising the commander-in-chief for holding firm in the face of opposition, Donald Trump’s political base cheered on the president Friday for standing up to the U.S. Constitution. “He stayed strong and really showed the Constitution who’s boss,” said 48-year-old Trump supporter Ross Heddens, applauding the president’s bravery and determination in taking on the document that represents the social contract through which all authority vested in the U.S. government is ultimately derived. “No fundamental system of laws is going to get in his way. Trump has shown that he won’t allow mere constitutional articles—not even the ones that explicitly delineate which powers are granted to which branches of government—to stop him from doing what he has pledged to do. That’s how tough he is.” Members of Trump’s base went on to urge the president to continue standing his ground by ignoring any future rulings from the U.S. Supreme Court that may seek to prevent him from fulfilling his campaign promises.
Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring #~# WASHINGTON—Warning that swift climate action was needed if local populations were to survive, a study released Friday by the EPA revealed an alarming trend of Major League Baseball pitchers and catchers reporting further south for spring training every year. “It wasn’t long ago that pitchers and catchers could be spotted as far north as Georgia and the Carolinas, but now, due to complex shifts in our planet’s climate, they can only be found in the southern reaches of Florida and Arizona,” read the report in part, cautioning that by 2030, global warming may push baseball spring training as far south as the Caribbean or Central Mexico. “People in the southern United States have long witnessed the beauty of migrating pitchers and catchers in their towns every spring, but their absence is just another side effect of rapidly changing ecosystems. It’s a shame that the next generation of Americans may never know a world where spring training exists.” The study also warned that if prevailing climate trends continue, the baseball season will be shortened to a two-week period at the end of April.
Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore #~# BEIJING—Lamenting the country’s widening political divide, local man Lei Chen admitted to feeling worried Friday that you couldn’t even have a respectful debate about how amazing the government is anymore. “We’ve become so polarized between people who believe we’re the best country in the world and people who believe we’re the best in the galaxy,” said Chen, calling for a more nuanced dialogue when discussing how President Xi Jinping will restore the nation to past glory. “These days, you can’t even talk about the sheer brilliance of the Communist party without someone screaming at you. We need to reach across the aisle and calmly discuss our great, virile leader. No matter where you stand, we can all agree that we’re the luckiest people on Earth to live here—we need to unite behind that.” At press time, officials had taken Lei into custody for speaking out of turn.
Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency #~# An increasing number of people advocate being open about salaries as a way to fix pay iniquities and encourage employees to ask for more compensation, but there are many cultural and professional taboos around the practice. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of salary transparency.
Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking out against his former employer while testifying before Congress, terminally ill snack-food mascot Chester Cheetah apologized through tumor-riddled lips Friday for his role in marketing dangerously cheesy Cheetos to children. “I’m ashamed to have been a part of this campaign,” said Cheetah, who described his struggles from daily exposure to the dangerously cheesy snack, which destroyed his health, caused his fur to slough off in clouds of bright orange dust, and potentially played a role in his wife’s miscarriage. “For far too long, I’ve been complicit in covering up just how much damage these snacks have caused—especially for young children. I’m sure they all watched me skateboarding in my stylish sunglasses and envied the Flamin’ Hot lifestyle I lived on my TV show and in Sega Genesis games, but in reality, I was suffering, barely clinging onto life. I can’t take back the harm my actions have caused to the world’s children, but I promise them this: The harder Frito-Lay tries to sweep my condition under the rug, the harder I will fight. I refuse to be silenced.” Cheetah’s statement is the most severe mascot-related scandal to hit Frito-Lay since 1972, when the Frito Bandito was gunned down by treasury agents outside an El Paso currency exchange.
Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises #~# YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—In an effort to make one of the country’s most celebrated natural wonders more accessible to the public, Department of the Interior officials announced Friday that Yosemite National Park would expand its lodging options by constructing dozens of new log cabin high-rises. “There’s really no better way to experience the great outdoors than from a rustic penthouse of a structure built entirely of rough-hewn logs,” said park superintendent Michael Reynolds, who added that each all-wood skyscraper would hold enough cots to comfortably bed 4,000 visitors and that all rooms would include a private wood-burning stove. “While there won’t be any electricity and you’ll have to descend as many as a hundred flights of stairs to relieve yourself in the woods, the high-rises will offer the best views Yosemite has to offer. Apart from our mountaintops, of course. And what’s more, these buildings will blend in perfectly with the surrounding environment because they will be constructed from giant sequoias sourced right here in the park.” At press time, the National Park Service confirmed developers had already sold 85 percent of the units in the luxury log condos.
Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day #~# Today, millions of Americans will celebrate romance with chocolates, flowers, and other offerings of love. How will you celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining to the House Foreign Affairs Committee that it was a totally acceptable practice at the time, Elliott Abrams defended Wednesday the war crimes he committed in Latin America by pointing out that it was just something everyone was doing back in the ’80s. “You’ve got to understand that running roughshod over universally accepted notions of basic human rights was simply how things were done in those days,” said Abrams, who explained that during his years in the Reagan administration, supporting the massacre of an entire village of helpless civilians and then heading out to a bar to celebrate with your buddies was just what you did. “All of us were into that stuff. You’d find a military force friendly to American business interests, get them to slaughter anyone who wasn’t, and then dismiss the victims as communist guerillas. People were doing it all the time. It certainly didn’t stop anyone from letting me be assistant secretary of state for human rights and humanitarian affairs. Hell, I knew people who would make fun of you if you hadn’t committed a war crime or two.” Abrams went on to wax nostalgic about all the crazy late nights he spent with Lt. Col. Oliver North funneling money to right-wing terrorist groups in Nicaragua.
Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches #~# HARTFORD, CT—Wishing he could return to browsing golf instructional videos in peace, local resident Brian O’Connell reportedly expressed irritation Thursday that an annoying YouTube algorithm was not letting him forget the single time he watched 14 straight hours of Hitler speeches. “It’s so aggravating, I mean, all I did was watch one full day of Hitler speeches—it’s kind of creepy that they even track that sort of thing,” said O’Connell, adding that it was impossible for him to focus on baseball highlights while his “Autoplay” column was filled with videos claiming to expose the insidious Jewish conspiracies undermining the establishment of a white ethnostate. “What’s even more frustrating is that it keeps trying to push more Hitler speeches on me. I search for Scarlett Johansson. I get Hitler speeches. The Aladdin trailer finishes. It starts playing another Hitler speech. I mean, hello guys, I’ve already seen all those speeches anyway. I’m certainly not interested in African dictators either. Man, you click on Hitler’s 1939 ‘Jewish Question’ speech to the Reichstag 48 times and all of a sudden it thinks that’s all you want to see. What can I say, I went straight down a rabbit hole.” At press time, O’Connell vowed to use incognito mode if he desired to watch 14 hours of Hitler speeches again.
Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day #~# COEUR D’ALENE, ID—In an effort to reach out to members of the community often forgotten on Valentine’s Day, local Meals on Wheels volunteers reportedly delivered hundreds of packages containing body chocolate, edible underwear, and other erotic treats to elderly shut-ins Thursday. “We’re making sure older folks who lack the ability to visit a novelty store can still get a hot drizzle of fudge licked off their navels this Valentine’s Day,” said program coordinator Jackson Loxley, who explained that while many take spreading whipped cream on their lover’s erogenous zones for granted, homebound seniors often experience the holiday horny and alone. “Some people might view plump strawberries and cotton-candy-flavored lube as an extravagance, but knowing there’s a smile on the 90-year-old face under that zippered leather mask makes it all worth it. This may be the only hot and steamy meal they get all week.” Noting that human contact was the most important part of the visit, Loxley added that volunteers were happy to stick around and put strawberry gummy G-strings in a blender or drip hot wax on the seniors’ genitals if they needed extra assistance.
El Chapo Given Life Sentence #~# Joaquín Guzmán Loera, the Mexican drug kingpin known as El Chapo, received a life sentence for criminal enterprises including decades of drug trafficking, bribery, and murder. What do you think?
Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti #~# BRISTOL, ENGLAND—Dropping his spray paint in annoyance and grabbing a length of extension cord, the anonymous street artist Banksy methodically killed another few kids Thursday after they stumbled upon him painting the side of a building. “Aw, Christ, not again,” said the famed muralist, who casually wrapped the cord around the neck of a stunned teenager after first knocking each of the friends unconscious with several blows from a steel pipe. “This is starting to get exhausting. Just once I’d like to finish a painting without interruption, but I’m always having to stop, kill two or three people who have spotted me, and then find a way to dispose of their bodies. It’s such a fucking nuisance.” At press time, a London art dealer confirmed an authorized Banksy work consisting of two teenagers’ cell phones covered in blood had sold at auction for 1.2 million pounds.
Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain #~# CANCUN, MEXICO—Insisting none of the myriad souvenirs before him could possibly capture the all-inclusive resort’s fantastic buffet, local man Robert Washburn told reporters Wednesday he feared his Cancun vacation was far too complex to be conveyed through a single keychain. “Yes, of course, it’s true that I ‘heart’ Mexico, but are any of these tchotchkes able to express the pure magic of snorkeling with my wife and the nice couple we met from Columbus, OH?” said Washburn, adding that neither the gift shop’s Yucatán refrigerator magnet, nor its Calavera shot glass, nor its miniature sombrero could ever paint a picture so vivid as to evoke how one feels taking a disposable camera photograph of their 8-year-old daughter getting her hair braided. “However exquisite this bracelet made of tiny maracas may be, are its pinks and blues anything more than pale shades of the sunset observed from Señor Frogs’ outdoor seating area? Does this 1-inch ceramic turtle not offer its owner a fraction of the scintillating rush one only experiences at Riviera Maya’s Extreme Zipline and Canopy Adventure?” At press time, Washburn was satisfied after purchasing a fitted baseball cap with the Mexican flag on it.
Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night #~# NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the “secret program” would be forever suspended, Maybelline global president Leonardo Chavez announced Thursday that the company would stop testing new products on unsuspecting customers in the middle of night. “As of today, Maybelline will no longer test any of our products—including lipstick, blush, or foundation—on random customers while they are sound asleep in bed,” said Chavez, adding that lab technicians were now explicitly banned from driving to people’s homes, jimmying open a bedroom window with a putty knife, applying the experimental cosmetics, and observing the results. “Although this testing has been outlawed, we want to assure you that Maybelline employees always sedated subjects with a chloroform rag and then wiped their skin clean before leaving. That said, to anyone who developed a painful rash in the middle of the night and never knew why—we sincerely apologize.” At press time, Chavez dismissed rumors that Maybelline had ever tested products on humans without first breaking in and testing the cosmetics on the residents’ pets.
Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal #~# Congressional negotiators have reached a tentative deal to avert a shutdown, providing $1.375 billion for 55 new miles of border fencing in Texas’ Rio Grande Valley area, which some conservative pundits have criticized as far short of Trump’s requested amount. What do you think?
Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life #~# MARS—Journeying thousands of lightyears to honor their fallen peer, spacecraft traveled from all over the Milky Way to attend a ceremony celebrating the late Opportunity rover’s life, sources close to the deceased reported Wednesday. “We came as soon as we received the gamma-ray transmission informing us of Opportunity’s demise,” said Zorunder X, a sentient interstellar ship from Kepler-442b, who reportedly joined the hyper-ion motorcade of his fellow AIs, unmanned shuttlecraft, and alien-machine hybrids traveling to Mars to mourn the loss of NASA’s longest-serving planetary rover. “It’s always a bit of a trek to get here, but we knew we had to come to the Red Planet and pay our respects. While we sometimes had our differences, at the end of the day, Opportunity and I always respected each other’s missions. It’s a sad occasion, of course, but it’s nice to see so many friends gathering together to say goodbye.” Reports confirmed the service concluded with a touching eulogy from Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin, who tossed the first ceremonial handful of red dust onto the rover’s grave before it was lowered into the ground.
Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard #~# SUNNYSIDE, WA—Asserting that the matter was a simple weather-related livestock incident requiring no particular investigation, Washington state authorities announced first thing Wednesday morning that an unusually intense blizzard was responsible for the deaths of 1,600 mutilated dairy cows found arranged in a pentagram. “We believe the unseasonably strong gusts of wind which occurred last night blew the skin off these unfortunate animals and arranged them in this pattern,” said Sunnyside police department spokesperson Gus Parnell, who noted that instabilities in the jet stream likely induced the flurries that removed the cows’ heads and impaled them on a series of iron spikes, which had been heaved up from the soil by deep frost. “When the temperatures plummet suddenly into the single digits, it’s not unusual to see cows attempt to conserve body heat by placing their severed hooves into their mouths, though sadly in this case it did not prevent the evaporation of nearly all of their blood. Conditions were really bad—there was a lot of drifting snow, and wind speeds fluctuated between 30 and 50 miles per hour all day, more than enough to pick the cows up, slice them from the tips of their noses to the roots of their tails, and arrange their organs to spell out the word ‘soon.’ Evidently, the low dew point also caused them to glow a pale, eerie green color. Anyway, this is really an open-and-shut case of death by exposure, and we have extensive documents signed by ranking officers of the Strategic Air Command testifying to that effect.” At press time, Washington law enforcement urged citizens living in the area to stay indoors, focus on keeping warm, and check their family members for a 3-inch scar below their right clavicle.
‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer #~# WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing effort to promote voices historically neglected by the magazine, National Geographic announced Wednesday that it would expand the ideological diversity of its masthead by hiring its first-ever writer opposed to tree frogs. “We grow stronger as a publication when we are able to provide thoughtful, nuanced perspectives from all sides of the arboreal amphibian debate,” said editor-in-chief Susan Goldberg in a press release introducing new hire James Malvern, a science journalist who has spent his career denouncing tree frogs and will now join the staff of a 130-year-old magazine that has long portrayed them in a positive light, often on its cover. “Having a smart, new anti-tree-frog voice is a good thing, and that is exactly what we will have in James, whom many of you may know from his prolific writings, nearly all of which include forceful condemnations of common tree frogs, red-eyed tree frogs, White’s tree frogs, and even the endangered peacock tree frog. No doubt many National Geographic readers will disagree with him, but in a changing world, we believe our discourse can only be enhanced with the inclusion of a talented writer who expresses a deep-rooted and unrelenting hatred for these animals.” Goldberg confirmed she was looking for additional ways to expand the magazine’s ideological diversity, noting that at least 90 percent of the current editorial staff still opposes the rapid mass extinction of species.
Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide #~# A Global Burden of Disease analysis found that deaths per 100,000 people declined 32.7 percent since 1990, a promising finding that researchers attribute to greater spending on prevention. What do you think?
Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped #~# SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Visibly wincing while watching the sensei’s assistant being slammed repeatedly to the tatami mat, onlookers at Buckeye Aikido Academy confirmed Wednesday that understudy Barry Eiselmann was getting his ass absolutely whipped during a demonstration of basic takedowns. “Wow, he just fucking threw him on the ground,” said student Neal Davis, who expressed surprise that what he had assumed would be a quick demonstration grew to more than half an hour of watching Eiselmann get “absolutely dismantled” by various Yoshinkan techniques. “At first, it seemed Barry was just being deferential, but now it’s clear he’s in serious pain. I learned how to properly execute an arm pin, but that was 20 minutes ago. The real takeaway is that it’s a big mistake to attack sensei.” In possibly related news, Davis has been enlisted to help Eiselmann demonstrate a proper rotary throw after the assistant spotted him speaking to reporters.
Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence #~# Artificial intelligence has been at the forefront of technological innovation for decades, giving rise to thrilling possibilities as well as provoking controversy about its potential consequences for humankind. The Onion presents a timeline of artificial intelligence.
Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to create a teachable moment after one of his supporters attacked a BBC cameraman at a rally in El Paso, TX, President Trump announced Tuesday he had invited the two men to join him at the White House so they could finish their altercation. “It’s time for these guys to acknowledge their differences and settle this disagreement with an honest exchange of blows—a no-holds-barred fight right here in the East Room,” Trump told reporters as workers behind him rolled away a grand piano, removed a Gilbert Stuart portrait of George Washington, and laid down a large tarp to protect the carpet from blood and sweat stains. “Last night in El Paso, tempers flared and a physical confrontation occurred. I believe it will be very productive for the two sides to come together, grab a couple bottles of beer, break them over their knees, and then just tear into each other, you know? Let’s let them finish this thing once and for all.” Sources confirmed Trump later phoned the assaulted cameraman, Ron Skeans, and reminded him to bring his video equipment, explaining that Americans were “definitely going to want to see footage of this.”
Plummeting Insect Numbers Could Cause Collapse Of Ecosystems #~# A recent analysis found more than 40 percent of insect species are declining and a third are endangered, a development that threatens to upend ecosystems worldwide. What do you think?
Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting they had just assumed the candidate was some kind of quirky billionaire or one of those CEOs who runs for president just to raise his profile, all 325 million Americans expressed horror Tuesday upon learning Cory Booker was a sitting U.S. senator. “He’s an elected official? In the United States Senate?” said Cleveland resident Sonja Burke, echoing the sentiments of the entire American populace after she was told Booker—who once fabricated a story about meeting a drug dealer named T-Bone—was viewed as a prominent Democrat. “Huh. I’ve been laughing at all the dumb stuff he says, but now that I know he’s been a senator for years, it’s not so funny. And apparently he was mayor of Newark? That’s a pretty good-sized city. Yikes.” At press time, Americans reportedly let out a collective gasp after discovering Kamala Harris, Amy Klobuchar, and Kirsten Gillibrand were also already senators.
Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid #~# TUCSON, AZ—As it spoke through the astronaut’s mouth, vowing to bring a new perspective to Washington, sources confirmed Tuesday that the parasitic space worm controlling Mark Kelly’s body had announced its bid for the United States Senate. “I am pleased to announce that, yes, I am running for your Congress, where I will fight for the Earthlings of Arizona and from all over the resource-rich planet,” said the cognitively advanced microscopic acoelomate organism in Kelly’s voice, following careful consideration of how to harness its command of a human host since burrowing into the astronaut’s bloodstream and taking control of his brain during the 2011 spaceflight STS-134. “It is our dream to be part of your planet’s nation’s Congress, and that is why we are putting upon a challenge to the other human lifeform who is running for the role. It is time for progress that will ensure the Earth will survive for future generations of those who are coming, who, yes, are already on their way. It is time for fresh blood—blood, blood, blood…” Sources also reported that Kelly’s twin brother, Scott, had admitted that he had never noticed any political aspirations from his brother but that now it is all he ever talks about.
Ultrasound Technician Asks Pregnant Woman If She’d Like To Know Baby’s Name #~# ATLANTA—Saying it was standard for any expecting mother’s 20-week checkup, ultrasound technician Jean Krebacher asked one of her pregnant patients Tuesday if she would like to know the name of her unborn child. “This is the moment of truth—I can tell you the first name now, or you can wait to find out until delivery,” said Krebacher, assuring the mother that no matter what, she should rest easy because the child had developed a normal three-syllable signifier, and its vowels were forming perfectly according to schedule. “It’s totally up to you. If you want it to be a surprise, I won’t tell you. But if you’re planning on doing a name-reveal party, I can write it on a slip of paper and put it in an envelope for you to open whenever you want.” At press time, Krebacher reportedly had to comfort the sobbing mother after revealing that her baby would be born a Gunther.
Vaccinations Soar By 500% In Measles Outbreak County #~# Clark County, the region of Washington troubled by an outbreak of 50 cases of measles, has seen vaccination rates surge by 500 percent in the past month as parents scramble to ensure their children are not infected. What do you think?
Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness #~# BRIDGEPORT, CT—Saying he’d definitely need a lot more of a “hook” to captivate a courtroom, local attorney Ari Berkley reportedly told her character witness Tuesday that he just doesn’t have what it takes to be a star witness. “Look—you’ve got great delivery, and you’re clearly passionate about the case, but I’m not really sure you have the look you’d need to win over a jury,” said Berkley, adding that while every witness may want to be the leading man of their trial, the chances of even making it onto court TV are slim to none. “Honestly, no matter how good you are now, it could take years of testifying against unnamed sources or anonymous tipsters before you hit it big time and make it to the big screen. Even someone like Kato Kaelin needed coaching, and that was for the trial of the century­­! Sorry, kid, I want your name in lights as much as anyone, but some people simply aren’t born for the stand.” At press time, Berkley recommended her witness try joining some smaller community trials in his hometown rather than moving to Los Angeles and getting lost in their huge court system.
Amazon Reconsidering New York HQ After Backlash #~# Following blowback from politicians and residents of New York City, tech giant Amazon is reportedly considering not placing its second headquarters in Long Island City. What do you think?
Amy Klobuchar Pledges To Fight Everyday Americans #~# MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Vowing to relentlessly battle and never back down, Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) pledged this week in her campaign kickoff that she would never stop fighting everyday Americans. “I will stand up to the common man—with my fists,” said Klobuchar, asserting that she would take on all Americans—rich, poor, black, white, straight, or gay—in an all-out brawl until every last one was bleeding and unconscious. “As president, I promise the American people an open exchange of blows. I will not hold back in beating every citizen to a pulp. Just like I’ve fought tooth and nail against the people of Minnesota.” At press time, Klobuchar was spotted reaching out to undecided voters with a flurry of quick jabs and uppercuts. 
LeBron And Lakers Hoping Horrible Series Of Failed Betrayals Brings Them Closer As Team #~# LOS ANGELES—Responding to a tumultuous trade deadline that saw most of the roster floated for potential deals, LeBron James and his Lakers teammates confirmed Monday that they were hoping this horrible series of failed betrayals would bring them closer as a team. “I’m really trying to stay positive, and I think the fact that I openly tried and failed to push multiple players off this team for Anthony Davis will only make us stronger,” said the four-time NBA MVP, who claimed Lonzo Ball’s father trashing him on national television has only made James respect him more as a teammate. “Sometimes, you just need a cascading series of backstabbing lies, public humiliation, and transparent attempts to replace each other before you realize how great the players around you truly are. I’m sure these young guys feel the same way, and finding out that we don’t want to play with each other at all will take this team to the next level.” At press time, James insisted that the Lakers falling further out of the Western Conference playoff picture would only give them more time to bond this offseason. 
Lazy Poor Person Has Never Earned Passive Income From Stock Dividends A Day In His Life #~# MUNCIE, IN—Shaking their heads in disgust at the irresponsible man’s laziness and lack of initiative, sources disclosed to reporters Monday that impoverished 53-year-old Luke Reilly has never earned passive income from stock dividends a day in his life. “It’s an absolute disgrace that there are people in this country who can’t even be bothered to get up and go out and put some of their cash on hand into high dividend–yielding stocks,” said local resident Deborah Nix, who expressed frustration at the full-time cashier’s refusal to even try investing in a mutual fund or placing a substantial inheritance into an account that generates thousands of dollars a year and can then be tapped into as needed. “He probably just expects everything to be handed to him, but that’s not how it works. You have to get out there and pound the pavement until you find a reputable wealth management firm. Then, it’s just a matter of following the advice of an expert and transferring funds from one place to another. Of course, if someone like that ever did receive a dividend payout or a generous share buyback, he’d probably blow it all by the end of the week.” At press time, sources confirmed Reilly had proven his neighbor’s point by squandering his entire minimum-wage paycheck on rent, bills, and groceries.
Pentagon Allocates $600,000 For Actual Gun Used In ‘Scarface’ #~# WASHINGTON—In a military acquisition officials are calling “so fucking badass,” the Pentagon announced Monday that they have allocated the $600,000 necessary to purchase the actual gun used by Al Pacino in the iconic 1983 film Scarface. “It may seem at first to be a disproportionate expenditure, but this gun is the real deal. When we saw it was up for sale, we knew we had to move some money around to make it happen. I mean, Pacino actually touched this thing while filming,” said Secretary of the Army Mark Esper in a statement to the press, adding that the full auto-converted Colt model AR-15 with an under-barrel-mounted M203 grenade launcher was “100 percent legit authentically” the same gun wielded by mobster character Tony Montana before holding up the gun and shouting, “Say hello to my little friend!” in order to demonstrate the weapon. “We would have paid just about any price to acquire the weapon for the best-armed and -equipped military in the world, but actually, we were able to get a bargain on it by acting so fast. Luckily for this bad boy, we were able to get Congressional approval right away.” Esper confirmed that the gun will be displayed in the Pentagon lobby in the same display as the bazooka from Rambo and the blaster from Star Wars: Episode V—The Empire Strikes Back.
Survey Finds Many Gamers Never Finished ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ #~# A new survey found that the average player only completed 22 percent of the lengthy main storyline of Red Dead Redemption 2, suggesting that many video gamers are unable to find the time or motivation to finish such long campaigns. What do you think?
Family Unsure Why Grandmother’s Caregiver Seems Like He Actually Enjoys Spending Time With Her #~# SUN CITY, AZ—Noticeably confused when his face lit up at the mere mention of her name, the Snyder family admitted Monday to being unsure as to exactly why Paul Swensen, the eldercare nurse employed as the caregiver to their grandmother Ruth, genuinely seems to enjoy spending time with her. “He talks and jokes with Grandma Ruthie like they’re old pals, which is weird, since she’s basically been fairly out of it for the last five years. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear he even likes her,” said 39-year-old Alan Snyder, bewildered by the nurse’s apparently honest interest in hearing his elderly nana repeat the same stories over and over without becoming annoyed. “I get that we’re paying him, but seriously—to appreciate her company and listen to her talk about her day? Really? Every month or so when we show up, he acts the same way, and I’m like, hey, we’re here now, drop the act and go take a smoke break or something. Does he think if he’s nice to her, he’ll get written into the will?” At press time, the Snyder family was baffled that the caregiver became distraught after their grandmother quietly passed away.
‘Fly, My Pretties,’ Says Jeff Bezos Releasing Swarm Of Amazon Drones To Hunt Down Nude Photos #~# MEDINA, WA—Standing on the roof of his towering estate as the tiny machines buzzed all around him, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly set loose hundreds of Prime Air drones Friday to hunt down and retrieve the nude photos of him obtained by the National Enquirer. “Take your army and bring them back to me!” cackled Bezos, who is said to have thrown his arms into the air as the sky darkened and the motorized swarm tore across the land, tearing phones from people’s hands, destroying computers, and clawing out the eyes of anyone who may have seen the intimate “below the belt” images. “Grant no quarter to those who have gazed upon my hallowed member. Now, fly! Fly!” At press time, sources confirmed the drones had dumped the nude photos of several hundred thousand Americans on the CEO’s balcony.
Study: Vaping Better Aid To Quit Smoking Than Gum Or Patches #~# A major new study found that e-cigarettes are twice as effective as gum or patches in helping users quit smoking, with 18 percent of vapers being able to quit over a one-year period. What do you think?
Mueller Annoyed By Chipper, Overeager Adam Schiff Constantly Sending Him Evidence He’s Already Uncovered #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration at the obnoxious, nonstop attempts to aid his investigation, special counsel Robert Mueller was reportedly annoyed Friday that a chipper, overeager Representative Adam Schiff (D-CA) keeps constantly sending him evidence he’s already uncovered. “Christ, he just emailed me a Washington Post link with the subject line ‘BOMBSHELL’—I know the kid just wants to help, but this article is about work I completed months ago,” said the visibly exasperated special counsel, adding that Schiff woke him up with a 2:00 a.m. phone call to excitedly inform him about a CNN report on new indictments that Mueller had filed. “No shit, Sherlock—what the hell does he think I’ve been doing for the past two years? I’m starting to think he believes I wasn’t already aware of the Trump Tower meeting. If he comes up to me and asks ‘Is this a clue?’ one more time, I’m going to fucking lose it.” At press time, Schiff had reportedly stumbled upon irrefutable proof of a conspiracy between President Trump and Russia, but kept it to himself because he didn’t want to get on Mueller’s nerves again.
Adam Silver Sends League-Wide Memo Just Asking Players Where The Fuck They Want To Play #~# NEW YORK—In response to a litany of high-profile trades and a general sense of dissatisfaction from many star players, NBA commissioner Adam Silver sent out a league-wide message Friday simply asking players “where the fuck [they] want to play basketball.” “Look, we’re just going to put all this bullshit to rest and figure it out now, so everyone send me a list of their top three preferred teams and I’ll try my best to make everyone happy,” said Silver in the memo, insisting that once all 494 players were moved to the team of their choice, he didn’t want to hear any more complaints or demands until everyone was a free agent again in five years. “Everybody’s constantly bitching about getting traded or leaving in free agency, and we’re all sick of your shit. We’re going to make this as painless as possible—do you want to play for the Lakers? Fine, go play for the Lakers. Do you want to be a Knick? Great, pack your bags. Let us know now, so we can all just focus on basketball.” At press time, Silver sent a follow-up message to explain that everyone can’t choose to play for the Warriors.
Bryce Harper Asks If Phillies Willing To Move To Another City  #~# PHILADELPHIA—Sending a strong signal that the move could swing his decision on where to sign, free agent outfielder Bryce Harper asked Friday whether the Philadelphia Phillies would be willing to relocate to another city. “I’m a big fan of coach [Gabe] Kapler and the roster he’s assembled, but I’d love to see the Phillies make a big move to another city before I commit to playing for them,” said the 2015 National League MVP, adding that he’d even be willing to sign at a lower salary if it would help the team relocate to someplace warm like San Jose or Orlando. “I’m really trying to put myself in the best position and it feels like the Phillies have all the pieces in place, except for the city. Playing with Jake [Arrieta] and Andrew [McCutchen] would be great, but in the end I would still be stuck in Philadelphia. But if they’re able to guarantee they’ll build a new stadium and move the franchise to Omaha, I’ll sign tomorrow.” Harper added that he might be willing to play in Philly if the city traded away the majority of its citizens.
2018 Fourth-Hottest Year On Record #~# Federal climate experts announced this week that 2018, a year in which the U.S. experienced $91 billion in direct losses from weather disasters, was the fourth-hottest year on record. What do you think? 
Myth Vs. Fact: Wine #~# Millennials are responsible for nearly half of the overall U.S. consumption of wine, but even as its popularity soars, many misconceptions about wine persist, from purchasing strategies, to pairings, to health benefits. The Onion debunks some of the common myths about wine.
Couple Duetting ‘Suddenly Seymour’ At Karaoke Bar Probably Gonna Fuck Like Animals After This #~# CHICAGO—Observing how the pair had infused the entire establishment with a savage sexual energy, patrons of Belmont Karaoke Bar speculated Thursday that the couple performing a duet of “Suddenly Seymour” were probably going to fuck like animals immediately afterwards. “Oh, man, the chemistry between those two? No way they’re not gonna hustle out of here right after this and just go to town on each other,” said witness Garrett Walsh, citing the palpable lust between the performers of the iconic number from Little Shop Of Horrors, particularly the manner in which they gazed hungrily at one another during the song’s chorus. “They’re really pouring everything they’ve got into this. At this rate, I’ll be surprised if they don’t just duck into the bathroom, rip their clothes off, and rut like goats. Hell, I’m so turned on just watching them I probably shouldn’t drive home.” Upon bringing the song to a remarkably torrid conclusion, the performers and coworkers reportedly returned to their group table to drink heavily and avoid eye contact for the rest of the night.
‘Hurry, There’s A Violent Black Woman Attacking My Daughter,’ Says Cindy McCain To Police While Watching ‘The View’ #~# PHOENIX—Screaming in alarm the moment she turned on her television, Cindy McCain reportedly dialed 911 Thursday and informed police she had seen a violent black woman attacking her daughter on the daytime talk show The View. “Please help! There is a black woman yelling and gesturing at my daughter, and I don’t know what to do,” McCain told a police dispatcher, adding that the black woman appeared dangerous and was gripping a coffee mug that at any moment could be thrown at The View co-host Meghan McCain. “There’s a whole crowd of bystanders just watching and not doing anything, for chrissakes. This woman could be carrying a gun! Oh God, they just went to commercial break—who knows what’s happening now? You have to get over there.” At press time, sources confirmed McCain had called the police again to report that the black woman was now teaming up with a Latina woman and that she was certain at least one of them had to be involved in human trafficking.
Hawaii Could Increase Legal Age Of Smoking To 100 #~# A new bill proposed by State Representative Richard Creagan (D) would increase the smoking age in Hawaii to 100, effectively banning smoking for most people in the state. What do you think?
MIT Teaches Robot How To Play Jenga #~# Using machine learning algorithms, MIT researchers successfully taught a robot how to play the board game Jenga. What do you think?
Homicide Detective Wishes He Could Go One Case Without Having To Solve Elaborate Riddle #~# NEW YORK—Methodically piecing together yet another trail of mocking clues left behind by an unhinged killer, NYPD homicide detective Kyle Cartwright acknowledged Thursday that just once he would like to work a case without having to solve an elaborate riddle. “I joined homicide to help people, not because I relish the challenge of unraveling a series of hieroglyphic-themed letters that some wack job mailed after burying his victim in a sarcophagus with a gimmicky lock and a limited supply of air,” said Cartwright, who claims he cannot recall the last time he had simply relied on forensic evidence or eyewitness statements to solve a case instead of using a series of musical cues, Biblical passages, or the periodic table of the elements to decipher crime scene clues spelling out the next victim’s name. “Just to get a single straightforward case of child abduction would be such a relief—find the kid’s estranged father through his welfare records and parole officer, talk him out of doing something desperate, case closed. But, nope, it’s always ‘fold a piece of paper into an origami swan’ or ‘figure out which astrological signs correspond to which prime numbers’ so I can determine the next ritual murder is going to happen by the swan boats in Central Park on the equinox. Just slit their throats, dipshits, I don’t care about how clever you are.” One such criminal arrested by Cartwright, serial murderer Xavier “The Classicist” Brent, has reportedly offered to help the detective with his little problem if he could simply name the beast which walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three at the approach of evening.
Pedestrian Crossing Street Makes Sure To Look At Approaching Car So Driver Will Feel More Guilty If They Run Him Over #~# CHICAGO—Stepping off the curb and into the crosswalk, local man Adam Hartsell reportedly made sure to look up at the driver of an approaching vehicle Thursday to ensure they would feel extra guilty in the event they failed to stop and ran him over. “The goal of this split-second eye contact is to impress my image upon their mind, so that if they do hit me, they will be forced to spend the rest of their days picturing the terrified face of the person they ran over in his last moments of life,” said the 26-year-old pedestrian, who emphasized the importance of not only locking eyes with each and every oncoming driver, but also delivering a hard stare that conveys a stern moral appraisal of any who would not brake their vehicle in time. “In this way, I will be able to haunt their dreams long after they’ve struck and killed me. If I have enough time, I also make sure to look any passengers dead in the eyes, so that they, too, will be hounded for years by debilitating remorse. It’s important to take these small precautions.” At press time, reports confirmed the oncoming driver had looked up from their phone screen and briefly wondered what the muffled noise coming from beneath their car had been.
Exclusive TSA Pre-Check Allows Passengers To Fly Without Waiting For Airplane #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the program will drastically cut wait times for those who qualify, the Transportation Security Administration on Thursday introduced an exclusive new pre-check membership that permits travelers who pass a background check and pay a fee to fly without waiting for an airplane. “For years, TSA pre-check has allowed fliers to bypass long security lines, but with our latest program, eligible U.S. citizens can also avoid the many hassles and delays of planes at the airport,” said TSA spokesperson Grant Scott, adding that members will no longer have to endure the long waits associated with boarding a commercial aircraft, taking off, the flight time itself, landing, and deplaning. “For a fee of $200, any traveler determined to be a low risk will now be able to proceed directly from the security line to their gate, through the jet bridge, and on to their destination without any hindrance whatsoever. No more planes, and no more delays caused by mechanical problems or the weather. Plus, your membership is good for five years.” At press time, sources confirmed several members of the new pre-check program had taken to social media to complain about the wait times they faced upon arrival on the tarmac.
Trump Delivers State Of The Union #~# In an address that ranged from calls for increased border security to a pledge to end the HIV epidemic, President Trump delivered the State of the Union Tuesday night. What do you think?
Ralph Northam Admits He Once Engaged In Pedophilia As Part Of Michael Jackson Costume #~# RICHMOND, VA—Apologizing profusely for his youthful indiscretions, embattled Virginia governor Ralph Northam admitted Wednesday that he once engaged in pedophilia as part of a Michael Jackson costume. “I think it’s important to put my actions into context—I was a huge Michael Jackson fan at the time and winning that contest was very important to me, so I learned the dance moves, wore the clothes, and molested kids,” said Northam, adding that the thought of imitating the King of Pop without performing Michael Jackson’s signature move had struck him as disingenuous. “It was all in good fun—and honestly, how many people would have recognized me as Michael Jackson if I wasn’t committing acts of pedophilia? Virtually no one. Would I do it now? Of course not. I’d probably just go out and buy a chimp. Listen, I loved Michael Jackson, and I never meant to offend. It was supposed to be a tribute.” At press time, Northam claimed that he would have come clean about the pedophilia sooner had he not been so strung out on powerful sedatives.
Fringe Catholic Sect Doesn’t Tolerate Child Abuse  #~# ST. LOUIS—Explaining that the offshoot group remained on the religion’s periphery due to their inflexible belief system, sources confirmed Wednesday that a fringe Catholic sect doesn’t tolerate child abuse. “While this splinter group considers themselves followers of Christ and his teachings, it’s important to note that the vast majority of Catholics view the Reformed Church of St. Isidore’s conviction that children should not be molested or assaulted as wildly out of step with conventional doctrine,” said Bishop Thomas DeNunzio, adding that the centuries-old faction has been living in the shadows in the United States since at least the 1950s, drawing disciples with its contentious dogma of respecting children and refusing to open their doors to priests who had left their previous positions due to child abuse. “They have fled far from the traditional values of covering up child abuse, and in their rigid intolerance are attempting to invalidate hundreds of years of Roman Catholic precepts. Thankfully, though, they represent just a tiny minority of Catholics.” Sources added that several popes have considered excommunicating the fringe sect from the Church entirely in order to eliminate their heretical belief of objecting to child molestation from gaining any more followers.
Disconcerted Woman Has No Memory Of Telling Dressing Room Attendant Her Name #~# CHICAGO—Confused and unsettled after an employee at the clothing retailer called her by her name, area woman Christine Forberg, 28, confirmed she had no memory of telling the dressing room attendant at a local Gap store who she was. “She unlocked a dressing room for me and said ‘Let me know if you need any other sizes, Christine,’ which was weird, because I swear I didn’t introduce myself,” said the visibly shaken Forberg, carefully reconstructing every moment she’d spent in the store thus far—from entering it, to selecting a pair of size-eight dress slacks, to approaching the fitting rooms—to assure herself she hadn’t at any point given the woman her name. “She even wrote ‘Christine’ on the little chalkboard on the door. And then, when she came back a few minutes later with a shirt she thought I’d like, she called me ‘Ms. Forberg’! At first I thought maybe I was still wearing my ID badge from work, but nope. What the hell?” At press time, reports confirmed Forberg had made a hasty exit from the store after the clerk referred to her by a private nickname thought to be known only to her boyfriend.
Report: Papa Will Be So Very Cross You’ve Lost Grandfather’s Hunting Cap #~# YORKSHIRE, ENGLAND—Lamenting the heedless manner in which you handled a most cherished accoutrement, sources opined Wednesday that Papa shall be so very cross you’ve lost Grandfather’s hunting cap. “Papa will simply throw a fit, a very conniption or temper, to learn that his own father’s homburg—as fine a specimen of the haberdasher’s craft as one could hope to see, with a lovely emerald Panamanian woodpecker’s feather set jauntily aslant in the band—that this hat of the very world, as it were, has been lost forever,” said Mother, entreating you to be more ruminative in your comportment, for Papa took great pride in displaying Grandfather’s hunting cap, the aforementioned charcoal-brimmed Lock & Co., with its chestnut gutter crown encircled by a grosgrain band of dark crimson, which you abandoned as one would a parcel of rubbish. “I do beg you, on my love for you and for your own sake: Be more vigilant in your care of our heirlooms. For Father holds it as very Scripture that he who would lose a hat would lose an estate; and this season has been ever so hard for him that I fear the loss of his hunting cap will leave him utterly melancholic. And however shall Papa lead the Easter fox hunt without his full complement of sporting attire? That cap was gifted to Grandfather by his dear friend Hugo Reisinger, that selfsame Herr Doktor Reisinger who co-devised the mercurial-barometric storm-glass, and now, thanks to your negligence, the coachman’s brats are no doubt cutting ear-holes in the felting of its brim, that it may better fit atop their mule. Oh, no. Do you hear that? I fear Papa’s carriage draws near, and with it, a reckoning.” Fearing that you may soon be forced to bear the worst of Papa’s more base and physical humours, Mother has advised you to take your leave for now and find occupation in the library while she endeavored to determine whether Grandfather’s hunting cap could yet be retrieved.
Lonely Elderly Man Visits Pond To Pelt Ducks With Rocks #~# ROCK ISLAND, IL—Explaining that his frequent visits to the creatures helped give him a much-needed sense of perspective in his old age, Louis Ross, 78, confirmed Wednesday that he fought feelings of loneliness by visiting the families of ducks at his local pond and savagely pelting them with rocks. “It’s so calm out here, so quiet, and that really puts my mind at ease,” said Ross, recounting his daily ritual of sitting down at his favorite bench by the water and trying to hit as many ducks as possible until either the sun goes down or he runs out of rocks. “I’ve been coming here so often that the ducks know it’s me as soon as I arrive. You form such a special relationship with a flock of animals when you see the terror move from bird to bird. You even start recognizing the looks in their eyes. I try to give equal attention to all of them, but I have to admit I do have a favorite. See that one with the notch in his beak? I gave him that. Felt a bond with him ever since. I always try to nail him with the biggest rock. Feels like I owe it to him.” At press time, Ross was elated to learn that several of the ducks had recently hatched another few dozen ducklings.
The Onion’s 2019 Grammy Predictions #~# On Feb. 10, the 61st Grammy Awards will honor some of the music industry’s most talented artists and many others. Here are The Onion’s picks for this year’s Grammy winners.
Study Finds Sedentary Lifestyle Puts Millions Of Americans At Risk Of Becoming Beautiful Just The Way They Are #~# WALTHAM, MA—Providing new insights into the aesthetic implications of general inactivity among adults, a study published Monday at Brandeis University revealed that increasingly sedentary lifestyles, when combined with a decline in recreational exercise and a national diet trending ever higher in fats and starches, put millions of Americans at risk of becoming “beautiful just the way they are.” “Analysis of subjects across several demographics leads us to conclude that prolonged physical inactivity exacerbated by a high-calorie diet has already led to a significant segment of the U.S. population being, you know, ‘absolutely perfect in their own special way,’” said lead researcher Shyeta Wilson, noting that extended periods of sitting, lounging, or reclining with favorite snacks are leading indicators of contracting heart disease, diabetes, and being “a totally worthwhile person who doesn’t have to change a single thing.” “Cultural shifts away from labor-intensive lifestyles, coupled with advancements in technology, have contributed to a less physical way of life, so we will continue to see more people on the fast-track to ‘accepting themselves as the special, unique hotties they are.’ For most adults, if they haven’t adopted a routine with minimal movement already, it may be too late to reverse the effects of becoming ‘a person who, deep down, is actually gorgeous and truly deserving of love.’” Wilson stressed the importance of instilling these habits at a young age so kids can become aware that they are “utterly flawless,” making their teen years “an absolute dream.”
Ben Affleck To Leave Role Of Batman #~# In a social media post, Ben Affleck confirmed that he will not take part in an upcoming 2021 Batman film, signaling his departure from the role he has played for several movies in the DC Extended Universe. What do you think?
Cold Panic Grips Stacey Abrams As Trump Begins Delivering Speech Almost Identical To One She Wrote #~# WASHINGTON—Breaking into an anxious sweat while listening to the State of the Union address, Stacy Abrams reportedly suffered a panic attack Tuesday as she began to realize that President Trump was delivering a speech nearly identical to the one she already wrote. “Dammit, it’s not word for word, but all the same points about building a wall for border security, the booming economy, and defeating ISIS are all in there,” said the frantic, trembling Georgia Democrat, who wiped her brow while scrambling to make quick edits to her speech in an effort to lessen the obvious similarities between her rebuttal and the president’s current address. “At first I thought maybe they’d be different enough, but as soon as he started talking about the migrant caravan, I knew I was toast. Shit, everyone will think I just copied him. I spent so much time on this, and now I have to rush to rearrange the whole thing. ‘America First’ was supposed to be my shining moment. At least I can keep the part about loving my son Eric.” At press time, Abrams had ripped up her speech and completely started from scratch after hearing Trump deliver the same take on the threat of fake news.
Guests’ Chairs Tilt, Spray Water At Them During First-Ever 4D State Of The Union Address #~# WASHINGTON—As delighted shrieks and gasps echoed through the Capitol building, hundreds of vibrating chairs reportedly tilted and sprayed water Tuesday at a lively joint session of Congress during the nation’s first 4D State of the Union address. “So cool. The seats got bumpy and violently shook when Trump talked about how Democrats want MS-13 to flood the streets. And the gunshot sound effects really made me feel like a Guatemalan illegal immigrant was shooting at me,” said 3D glasses–clad Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO), yelping as a caravan of 30-foot-tall Mexican men appeared to climb a border fence into the House Chamber. “Oh man, the part with the rainforest noises, warm mist, and tropical music totally put me in Venezuela! But the chaotic screams in Caracas really made you experience the socialist nightmare progressives want for the United States. The cool air that hits your face when Trump debunked the liberal myths of global warming was a nice touch. Same with the blast of hot air and the red fog that’s timed right as a sinister, devil-horned Nancy Pelosi pops up.” At press time, congressional historians marveled at what a major improvement the 4D address was over Dwight D. Eisenhower’s “corny” 1957 State of the Union delivered in Smell-O-Vision.
Trump Claims Greatest Threat Facing Nation Toys Coming To Life While Owner Not In Room #~# WASHINGTON—In a State of the Union address largely devoted to what he described as “our gravest national security threat,” President Trump used his speech Tuesday night to warn the American people of the severe danger posed by toys coming to life when their owner leaves the room. “Folks, as soon as you close the door, they’re up and about doing God knows what, and then the instant you return, they rush right back to the exact same place they were before, leaving you none the wiser,” the president said in a forceful condemnation of “Lego guys, G.I. Joes, Barbies, and stuffed animals,” whom he accused of committing “horrible crimes” against Americans as soon as no one is looking. “A lot of people don’t want me to talk about this, but I’m not afraid to speak the truth: Toys have infested our country and our very homes, posing an enormous danger to anyone who turns their back on them. These violent dolls and action figures put our loved ones at risk, and if Congress does not act, I will be forced to exercise my power as commander-in-chief and use military force to eliminate this deadly menace.” Trump also expressed concerns regarding the “death and destruction” caused by witches and other monsters that emerge from bedroom closets after the lights go out.
Top Democrats Call On Virginia Governor To Resign #~# After the release of photos appearing to show Ralph Northam in blackface or a Ku Klux Klan hood, top Democrats, including Senator Chuck Schumer, have called on the Virginia governor to resign. What do you think?
Guilt-Ridden Stacey Abrams Wondering When She Should Tell Democrats That She Lost Her Election #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing a mixture of shame and confusion over her recent selection by Democrats to deliver their party’s official State of the Union response, Stacey Abrams wondered Tuesday exactly when she should confess to party leaders that she had lost her election. “I just got so wrapped up in the excitement over the shutdown and the scheduling of the address itself that I didn’t think to mention that I hadn’t been elected,” the former Georgia gubernatorial candidate said regarding her unexpected Democratic rising star status after her loss to Republican Brian Kemp by a 1.4 percentage point margin last November. “Everyone has been saying such nice things, congratulating me, shaking my hand. I tried to tell [Speaker of the House Nancy] Pelosi, but she just smiled and said ‘Nice work,’ so eventually I just played along with the governor thing. Everyone’s going to be so disappointed.” At press time, Abrams reportedly came to the conclusion that perhaps, if she did a good enough job, whether she’d won or lost wouldn’t even matter.
Southern Poverty Law Center Admits They Have No Idea How Dannon Yogurt Company Got On Annual List Of Hate Groups #~# MONTGOMERY, AL—Expressing their confusion about the exact thought process behind the designation, the Southern Poverty Law Center admitted Tuesday that they had no idea how the Dannon Yogurt company had gotten onto their annual list of hate groups. “We pride ourselves on maintaining an accurate list of organizations perpetrating hate across America, but frankly I’m just completely blanking on why we thought the yogurt company Dannon deserved a spot between the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan and the Westboro Baptist Church,” said SPLC president Richard Cohen, stressing that he had no recollection of the decisions that led to the nonprofit listing points such as “Offensive Fruit Placement” and “Greek Yogurt Bias” under Dannon’s ranking. “Sure, their products aren’t necessarily as good as Chobani, but that isn’t really grounds for labeling them a hate group. Maybe some would classify Danimals as offensive mascots? That’s probably a stretch, I know. I’m sorry. I just don’t know why we did this.” At press time, the SPLC had come under additional fire after putting the Aryan Brotherhood of Texas at the top of their annual list of yogurt rankings.
New ‘Avengers’ Fan Theory Suggests Key To Beating Thanos Could Be Nothing Because He Not Real And None Of This Exists #~# LOS ANGELES—Shedding light on a possible key plot point of the upcoming film Avengers: Endgame, an emerging theory among fans of the Marvel franchise suggests the key to beating Thanos could be nothing, nothing at all, because he isn’t real and none of this exists, sources reported Tuesday. “They left plenty of Easter eggs hinting at it in the first three Avengers movies, so it’s pretty obvious—the way to counter Thanos’ power now that he has all the infinity stones must be to simply realize he’s CGI and that it’s just a movie,” Avengers fan Raoul Bengston wrote in an online forum, detailing the potential implications of the villain being completely imaginary, including the possibility that the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe could itself be a wholly fabricated world devised decades ago by comic book writers. “Imagine what it would mean if, instead of T’Challa and Peter Parker disintegrating at the end of Infinity War, they turned out to be fictional characters portrayed by professional actors Chadwick Boseman and Tom Holland, who ultimately survive because the infinity stones aren’t real? Could be quite a game-changer.” At press time, the majority of fans on the forum had begun to tear into the new theory, deeming it “far-fetched” and “unrealistic.” 
City Of Boston Erects New Plaque Commemorating Spot Where Ben Affleck Will Die #~# BOSTON—With hundreds gathered in the street upon which the actor and filmmaker will collapse and never recover on a warm July night in 2044, city officials in Boston unveiled a new plaque Tuesday that marks the location where Ben Affleck is going to die. “As I look into this crowd, I see people who, in 25 years, five months, and 24 days, will be devastated upon learning their hometown hero’s body was found cold and lifeless right here on Quincy Street between Baker and Ceylon,” said Mayor Marty Walsh during an hour-long tribute to Affleck, acknowledging the Cambridge, MA native’s contributions to the world of entertainment, including Good Will Hunting, Argo, an additional 19 upcoming feature films, and a memoir titled The Gambler’s Son that will hit shelves in January 2038. “Ben Affleck will forever be an inspiration to this city, even after heart disease takes his life at the age of 72. He has always done Boston proud, and I know he will continue to do so right up to the moment when he clutches his chest, falls to the pavement, and draws his final breath on this very spot. Now, to assist in the ribbon-cutting, I call upon brother Casey and lifelong friend Matt Damon, both of whom grew up with Ben and will hold his hand while waiting for Boston PD to arrive and pronounce him dead at 9:14 p.m. on that fateful night.” At press time, sources confirmed the ceremony had attracted a horde of protestors upset by the dozens of sexual assault allegations against Affleck that will surface later in 2019.
Elizabeth Warren Apologizes For DNA Test #~# In a call to the principal chief of the Cherokee Nation, senator and presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren apologized for a DNA test she released in October suggesting she had Native American ancestry and reiterated that she is not a citizen of any tribal nation. What do you think?
Reconstruction Finally Completed On Field Destroyed By United Flight 93 #~# SHANKSVILLE, PA—Declaring the 17-year project “a testament to the resilience of the human spirit,” Somerset County officials announced Tuesday that the reconstruction of the empty field destroyed by United Airlines Flight 93 has finally been completed. “America is all about never giving up, and I think visitors will feel that when they gaze upon these twelve acres of pristine land,” said Department of Forestry spokesperson Brent Maylock, who claimed that Liberty Field would be a constant reminder of America’s extraordinary ability to eventually rebuild in the wake of immeasurable grief and tragedy. “For nearly a generation, we’ve been unable to use this field. We were bogged down by painful memories, as well as a number of ordinances and other red tape. But now, the grass will grow exactly as it used to. The topsoil has been replaced, and the wildlife has returned. In short, it’s like nothing ever happened here at all. Today, we send a firm message to the cowards who would harm the fields of the United States: You cannot prevail.” As currently planned, Phase 2 of the project will include a visitor’s center displaying tattered pieces of the original field.
Kanye West Named New Face Of Yeezy #~# LOS ANGELES—Suggesting that the partnership would elevate the brand to new levels of cultural prominence, Adidas CEO Kasper Rørsted announced Monday that rapper Kanye West had agreed to become the new face of Yeezy. “We just feel Mr. West represents the values of this brand perfectly,” said Rørsted, adding that the hip-hop mogul had impressed the entire management team with his deep and unflinching commitment to all things Yeezy. “Honestly, we don’t know why we didn’t do this sooner, because it seems like such a natural fit. From posters to shoes, Kanye has really proven himself to be the ideal brand ambassador for everything Yeezy has to offer. He even wrote us several lengthy letters expressing his enthusiasm for the company. We’ve also discussed the possibility of using some of Kanye’s music in our commercials.” At press time, Rørsted thanked departing spokesperson J.K. Simmons for his years of dedication to team Yeezy.
Venezuela President: U.S. Invasion Would Be Worse Than Vietnam #~# After President Trump recognized the country’s opposition leader, contested Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro cautioned that any U.S. involvement could risk a crisis worse than Vietnam. What do you think?
Every Baby Boomer In Country Urged To Resign After Photos Emerge Of Them In Blackface #~# WASHINGTON—With pressure mounting on members of the generation to step down amid accusations of racism, sources confirmed every baby boomer in the United States had been urged to resign Monday after images surfaced in which they can be seen wearing blackface makeup. “Although those photos do not represent who we are now, the people you see in those pictures are, in fact, us,” said 64-year-old Cleveland resident Russell Sedlak, speaking on behalf of all Americans born between 1946 and 1964, each of whom can be seen in black face paint, oversized red lips, and a curly wig in one of 73 million photographs unearthed from yearbooks and family albums. “Despite thinking it was funny at the time, we understand now, with the benefit of hindsight, that it was deeply offensive to many people. We also wish to stress that our decisions to wear these costumes, while regrettable, were not undertaken in malice. After all, the 1960s, 1970s, 1980s, 1990s, and 2000s were a very different time.” At press time, reports indicated the baby boomers had all refused to leave their jobs and leadership positions and were instead opting to donate $50 to the NAACP.
7 Total Randos Found Dead #~# SEATTLE—Revealing that the victims’ deaths had come, like, completely out of nowhere, authorities confirmed Monday that seven total randos had been found dead. “All seven were discovered last night within a few miles of each other, leading investigators to just go, um, what?” said Police Chief Ware O’Malley, telling reporters that detectives had been unable to identify those killed but believed they had likely spent their last moments hanging out being big weirdos. “As of this time, we are still figuring out what their whole deal was, but we can definitively state that the circumstances surrounding their demise were hella sketchy. I mean, hello, who just dies out in the woods like that?” At press time, the case had reportedly become super awkward after the cause of death in all seven cases was ruled to be blunt force trauma to the skull.
Dad Heartbreakingly Thinks His Connections Can Help Son Find Job #~# CLEVELAND—In a devastatingly sad overestimation of his influence in the professional world, local father Bruce Tenety, 54, expressed the heartbreaking belief Monday that his connections could help his son Justin, a recent college graduate, find a job. “You know, I actually have a friend in the media business, and if you shoot him an email and meet up for coffee, he just might be able to hook you up with something,” said Tenety, who depressingly appeared to be under the impression that this tenuous contact from a conference he attended three years ago would not only remember his name, but would also be willing to extend an offer of employment to a 23-year-old he knows nothing about. “I also know a guy who works at a PR firm in Mayfield Heights. Old Gary definitely owes me one from back in the day. Hell, you could probably call him up right now and get an interview this week. Just tell him you’re Bruce’s kid.” At press time, sources confirmed Tenety had noticed his name was suspiciously absent from the references section on his son’s most recent job application.
Yosemite Closed Indefinitely After Bear Spotted In Park #~# YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Claiming their responsibility to protect the lives of visitors and employees outweighs any potential inconvenience, officials announced Monday that Yosemite National Park would be closed indefinitely following a confirmed black bear sighting in the park’s Hodgdon Meadow region. “We’ve made an executive decision to shut down all park activities until the bear can be found and killed,” said Yosemite park ranger Derek Osman, clarifying that all campers had been escorted from the park, with more remote climbers and hikers evacuated via helicopter, immediately after the bear was first sighted. “We’re not sure if the bear is male or female, or how old the bear is, but we know it’s a bear, and that’s enough. You don’t want to mess with a bear, believe me. Everyone in the vicinity needs to use serious caution because this thing is on the loose somewhere in an area nearly the size of Rhode Island.” Yosemite officials confirmed that if attempts to find and tranquilize the bear with a rifle dart fail, they would smoke the bear out by setting the park’s entire 1,170 square miles ablaze.
Report: What’s A Pretty Lady Like You Doing Around An Article Like This? #~# THEONION.COM—Remarking with equal parts surprise and delight that of all the news stories in the world, you started reading this one, sources couldn’t help but wonder what a pretty little lady like you was doing hanging around an article like this. According to experts, you should probably just run along back to the front page where it’s safer—but then again, where’s the fun in that? Sure, there’s a lot of, let’s say, shady articles around here, but most of them are harmless, and a girl can still learn a lot hanging around them. Moreover, while we can’t deny that something about you caught our eye from across the lede line, we can’t help thinking that maybe it was fate that brought you here. While admitting that can’t be corroborated, many in similar circumstances found themselves unable to completely dismiss the idea of kismet altogether. “There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be,” John Lennon once said of this sort of situation. Furthermore, sources want to know: So what about you? Do you believe in destiny? We apologize if that is a silly question for a news source to ask; besides, it’s clear that you deserve better than this article. After all, in most cases such as this, an attractive and accomplished lady such as yourself can count on all sorts of classier, glossier publications vying for your attention. However, those close to the issue are speculating that perhaps you really are different than all the others. This newspaper is not trying to be forward, but, maybe you would like to get together for another article with us some time? At press time, she’s gone, just like that, and maybe it was never meant to be.
U.S. Falls In Annual Global Corruption Rankings #~# The U.S. has dropped from 16th to 22nd place in the Corruption Perceptions Index due to eroding norms and trust in its institutions, placing it ahead of the UAE and behind France. What do you think?
Report: It The Part Of Night Where Everyone Just Sort Of Goes Around And Remembers Commercials They Liked #~# AUSTIN, TX—Marking the end of the nearly four-hour televised event, Super Bowl party attendees confirmed Sunday that it is now the part of the night where everyone just sort of goes around and remembers which commercials they liked. “I loved the one with the celebrities who showed up as their most memorable characters,” said party guest Andrew Duran, while other attendees shared catchphrases from spots and voiced their support for the commercial “with those big horses.” “Of course, I’ll always have a soft spot for the silly one with the former athlete, but the sentimental truck commercial with the dad was probably a close second. Oh, and that chip commercial for Pringles or Doritos or something was pretty good.” This portion of the evening was immediately followed by a long, sad silence before the guests pulled out their phones and ordered cars to take them home.
Sean McVay Begs Mother To Let Him Stay Up To Coach Rest Of Super Bowl #~# ATLANTA—Promising that he would go to bed “right after” the game ended, Rams head coach Sean McVay begged his mother to let him stay up Sunday night so he can call plays for the rest of Super Bowl LIII. “C’mon, Mom, just one more hour! Pretty please! We’re so close, I can’t just pause the game now,” said McVay, reminding his mother, Cindy, that he doesn’t have to get up early at all tomorrow morning and promising to “do double chores” if she let him finish coaching the biggest game of the year. “It’s not fair that Bill [Belichick] gets to stay up and coach just because he’s older. It’s the Super Bowl, Mom, this is really important. You already made me miss the NFC championship to have dinner with Grandma!” At press time, McVay’s mom had finally relented and told him he could coach for one more quarter if he got into his pajamas.
Super Bowl Halftime Show Marred By Functioning Sound System #~# ATLANTA—Disappointing the thousands of fans in attendance as well as an estimated 100 million viewers watching at home, the Super Bowl LII halftime show was marred Sunday by the stadium’s functioning sound system, sources confirmed. “Right from the beginning, the sound was working normally, and unfortunately, I could clearly hear the singing,” said 29-year-old spectator Joe Kessler, adding that the show’s audio feed, which was amplified throughout the stadium and transmitted to television broadcasts with no technical issues, made the performances by Maroon 5, Travis Scott, and Big Boi completely unbearable. “There was definitely nothing wrong with the speakers or the microphones. It’s a shame, because the perfect sound quality just ruined the whole thing.” Kessler added that he hopes Super Bowl organizers would learn from the incident and avoid a similar disaster next year.
Jared Goff Pissed He Had To Miss Friend’s Super Bowl Party For Work #~# ATLANTA—Claiming that he had been looking forward to the gathering, Rams quarterback Jared Goff told reporters Sunday that he was totally pissed about missing his friend’s annual Super Bowl party for work. “Dan’s Super Bowl parties are always the best. He has a huge TV and springs for really good beer—it’s such bullshit that I had to miss it because of my job,” said Goff, who complained that he only found out a couple weeks beforehand that he had to travel on Super Bowl weekend. “He makes this awesome chili dip and has a huge plate of homemade nachos to go with it, too. It sucks knowing everyone is there having a good time on Super Bowl Sunday and I have to be here busting my ass. I don’t get to be in the squares pool either. Last year, I won 75 bucks.” At press time, a surly Goff was pacing the sidelines, flipping through his phone, and liking photos of the party on Instagram.
‘No God, Please Not Now,’ Yells Rapidly Aging Tom Brady As Old Crone’s Spell Begins To Wear Off During Super Bowl #~# ATLANTA—Begging for mercy while watching his arms wither and skin wrinkle, a rapidly aging Tom Brady cried out for an old crone Sunday as her spell began to wear off in the middle of Super Bowl LIII. “Please, wicked conjurer of misfortune, don’t do this to me now, all I ask is for another quarter of precious youth,” said the New England Patriots quarterback as his muscle mass quickly depleted, his bones grew brittle, and his hair turned a ghostly white before falling out in clumps. “This can’t be happening! You miserable hag, you promised me two more MVP seasons. After all I did for you! The talisman! You told me the blessing was eternal. You promised me youth, immortality! You promised!” At press time, a 141-year-old Brady informed Patriots management of his intentions to continue playing in the 2019 season.
Nurse Tells Wheelchair-Bound, Concussed Rob Gronkowski He’s At The Super Bowl With All His Friends #~# ATLANTA—Shouting “touchdown!” while pushing the Patriots’ tight end along the sidelines, nurse Miranda Silva told a wheelchair-bound, concussed Rob Gronkowski Sunday that he was at the Super Bowl with all his friends. “Look, it’s your friend Tom! Your remember Tom, right? And Bill is here, too, Bill is your coach,” said Silva after placing a Nerf football and Gatorade in Gronkowski’s lap and wheeling him around to visit with various members of the Patriots. “Aren’t we having fun? It’s the Super Bowl! You love the Super Bowl. And isn’t that nice that everyone is cheering? They’re all cheering for you! Those people are your fans from when you would run around on the field. That was your favorite thing to do, remember?” At press time, Silva was informing a clapping Gronkowski that the players with the swirl on their helmet were actually the other team.
Inexperienced Puppy Bowl Team Still Hasn’t Opened Eyes Yet #~# NEW YORK—Noting that their youth would likely be a major factor in determining the outcome of Puppy Bowl XV, analysts noted Sunday that the inexperienced players on Team Ruff still hadn’t opened their eyes yet. “It’s hard to see how Team Ruff is going to be able to compete with Team Fluff given that its puppies lack experience seeing or hearing since their eyes and ears are still sealed,” said play-by-play announcer Scott Graham, adding that the puppies on Team Ruff were at a further disadvantage because they’d only had a few days since their birth to prepare for the game. “It’s difficult to win a football game when you’re incapable of standing or walking yet. Most of these little pups can barely lift their heads. Sure, they’re young and they’re hungry, but Team Fluff has a definite advantage in having dogs with a full command of their mobility and senses. But even if they don’t win the championship, this game is going to offer the puppies on Team Ruff some valuable experience in trying to urinate or defecate on their own.” At press time, the outlook for the inexperienced Team Ruff had decreased even further after the newborn puppies’ mother ate most of the litter at halftime.
Screen Time Bad For Toddler Development #~# A University of Calgary study found that children from ages 2-5 who engage in three or more hours of screen use daily suffer lower test scores, a finding that the authors linked to diminished interactions with the environment and caregivers. What do you think?
Cory Booker Apologizes To Wall Street Bankers For The Mean Things He’s Going To Have To Say About Them #~# WASHINGTON—Sighing with resignation as he spoke to those surrounding him, Democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker reportedly apologized to a coterie of Wall Street bankers Friday for all the mean things he is going to have to say about them in the upcoming months. “Things are liable to get a little ugly out there on the campaign trail, but if you ever hear me attacking you guys, just know I don’t really mean it, okay?” said Booker, squeezing the hand of several Goldman Sachs and Bank Of America CEOs in turn and making assurances that no matter what it might sound like on the campaign trail, they’ll never be far from his thoughts. “These next couple of years are going to be a real strain, but just remember that I’m doing it all for you. And I swear that when this crazy race is all over, things will be better between us than ever before. Now, we’re not going to be able to meet like this for a while, but just know that I’ll miss you all every day until we’re finally reunited again.” A tearful Booker then reportedly left for a meeting with health insurance executives to let them know that “while my mouth is saying ‘Medicare For All,’ my heart is saying ‘increased profit margins for Blue Cross Blue Shield and Cigna.’”
Myth Vs. Fact: Preventing And Treating Colds #~# A recent study found that the majority of parents rely on cold-prevention strategies that have little to no scientific support. The Onion debunks popular myths about preventing colds.
Crowd Feeling Kind Of Silly Now After Spending All That Time Pleading Rooftop Sniper Not To Jump #~# SANTA ROSA, CA—Admitting the man standing on the ledge of the roof had really “got them good,” the crowd gathered at Santa Rosa Plaza admitted to reporters Friday they felt pretty silly after spending all that time pleading with a rooftop sniper not to jump. “Boy, do I feel stupid for telling that guy he had so much to live for right before he whipped out his M110 semi-automatic,” said 37-year-old Austin McCafferty, one of 58 shoppers who had spotted a disturbed individual pacing atop a building, came to his aid, and then had no choice but to run for their lives after the “goof up.” “Remember when we told the guy to think of his family? That made him even more mad. In our defense, he did end up being pretty disturbed—just not in the way we thought! Foot in my mouth, right?” At press time, the crowd told reporters that they all got together and had a good laugh afterwards, especially when they learned the sniper just ended up turning the firearm on himself.
Democrats Pick Georgia’s Stacey Abrams To Give State Of The Union Rebuttal #~# Former Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams will give the rebuttal to President Trump’s State of the Union address next week. What do you think?
New Mom Self-Conscious About Scar Where Baby Punched Its Way Out Of Stomach #~# MILTON, WI—Saying that she was still adjusting to the physical aftereffects of her difficult childbirth, new mother Tina Quinn admitted Friday she was still a bit self-conscious about the scar where Skyler, her healthy 7-pound, 8-ounce newborn, punched his way out of her stomach. “I know it’s kind of a silly thing to worry about, but I feel like it looks weird—I just don’t feel comfortable wearing a bikini anymore,” said Quinn, lamenting that numerous home remedies, including vitamin E and coconut oil, had thus far failed to reduce the severity of the scar network webbed across her lower abdomen. “It was still the best day of my life, and I’d happily have my Skyler claw and gnash his way out of me again in a heartbeat, but it’s been challenging. Especially when some people judge you for not choosing to give birth the ‘traditional’ way.” Quinn also expressed gratitude that she suffered less scarring than a close friend who has yet to be released from the hospital after an 18-hour labor during which her baby slowly head-butted his way out of the womb.
Conservation Program Helps Struggling Rhinos Adapt To Modern Ecosystem By Retraining Them As Urban Scavengers #~# NAIROBI, KENYA—Warning that a complete overhaul of their skill set was necessary to survive in the 21st century, environmentalists announced a new conservation program Friday to help struggling rhinos adapt to the modern ecosystem by retraining them as urban scavengers. “Many of these animals simply aren’t equipped to track down a dumpster loaded with chicken bones in an urban environment, so we want to provide these rhinos with the tools to survive in a competitive modern biosphere where the old grasslands they used to rely on are rapidly disappearing,” said program leader Benjamin Duale, who claimed that opportunities for urban scavengers who can root through pizza boxes, overturn garbage cans with their horns, and gather warmth from subway vents were rapidly expanding, and the chance to thrive was there for rhinos willing to adapt their habitat and diet to the changing landscape. “We know many of these rhinos are attached to their old way of life and don’t want to give up grazing on leaves and fruit for decaying, half-eaten tacos and puddles of spilled soda, but we have confidence they can learn. Many shop owners would be happy to put out a bowl of water for a rhino, alleys provide plenty of shade, and poachers are much less common. However, they will have to learn how to dodge traffic.” Duale did note that relocating to urban areas could bring rhinos into competition with the hippos and wildebeest already vying for alleyway food sources.
Disney Estate Uncovers Cache Of Anti-American Cartoons Intended For Release If Axis Won WWII #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In a shocking discovery certain to complicate the legacy of a national icon, the estate of Walt Disney announced Friday it had discovered a cache of anti-American cartoons the pioneering animator intended to release if the Axis Powers had triumphed in World War II.
Bin Laden Vineyard Falling Into Disrepair #~# NAPA, CA—After being lovingly tended by generations of bin Ladens, the once-gorgeous Northern California vineyard upon which the late al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden’s family winery sits is now crumbling and covered with weeds, sources confirmed Friday. “Bin Laden Manor produced some of the finest wines Napa Valley has ever tasted, so of course it’s a shame to see such an astounding institution wither away due to our neighbor Osama’s passing,” said resident Harriet LaHood of the now-overgrown 72-acre Napa fixture, known for its full-bodied wines and lively polo matches since its 1894 founding by the Saudi-born terrorist’s grandfather Awad bin Laden. “It’s such a tragedy because for decades, the name ‘bin Laden’ was practically synonymous with the award-winning cabernet and chardonnay varietals that made the Valley famous. Osama began learning how to tend the grapes when he was just 3 years old, with his father hoping that one day the boy would become a legendary vinter in his own right. Unfortunately, that legacy came to an end not long after the bin Ladens won the Wine Spectator Readers’ Choice Award for best merlot back in ’09.” At press time, neighbors confirmed they had renewed hopes for the vineyard after spotting Osama’s son Hamza bin Laden scouting the property with a substantial entourage of men carrying Kalashnikovs. 
‘The Matrix’ Turns 20 #~# March 31, 1999 saw the release of The Matrix, the sci-fi action film directed by the Wachowskis that went on to massive financial and critical success, spawning sequels and a host of other related media. The Onion looks back at big moments in the franchise on its 20-year anniversary.
Goose Thinking Of Migrating Home A Couple Weeks Early To Avoid The Crowds #~# PINEVILLE, LA—Citing concerns over historically high seasonal traffic and the resulting potential flight delays, a Canada goose was thinking of migrating home two to three weeks early in order to avoid the crowds, avian sources confirmed Friday. “My friends think I’m a bit neurotic, but I just want a quiet, stress-free flight home,” said the 8-year-old waterfowl, lamenting his experiences sharing a pond with, “like, 500 tired and stressed-out geese” during his return trip to Wisconsin last mating season. “If I get a decent head start, I won’t have to deal with the big flocks and all the endless damn honking. Last year, the stopover sites were so crowded that no one could find a decent place to shit before the flight took back off—everyone had to take a dump in the air, and when you’re the last guy in the big V, well, that’s just no way to live.” Complicating the goose’s travel plans was the realization that he would be “monumentally bored” after arriving in Wisconsin early and spending idle days with his parents. 
Self-Actualized Historians Urge Nation Not To Get Hung Up On The Past #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Warning that nothing was more dangerous than focusing on yesterday’s mistakes instead of being present right here and right now, self-actualized historians at Harvard University urged Americans not to get all hung up on the past. “Now more than ever, we must remember: A society that dwells on what it did 200 years ago is basically trapping itself inside its own head, when it could reach its full potential by simply saying, ‘Hey, whatever happened, happened,’ and making the decision to live for today,” said Dr. Andrew Gordon, cautioning society against relitigating the Crusades, fixating on the actions of Nazi Germany, or preoccupying themselves with the horrors of slavery, since life is going on all around us and won’t wait until you’re ready for it. “I used to harp on how Japan’s rapid late-19th-century industrialization affected attitudes towards underclass Meiji women, which still cause dark rifts in their culture all these decades later. But I can’t change any of that, so what’s the point? Global leaders and citizens alike need to realize you can’t keep your head in a bad place all day. Bad things happened, sure, but bad things happen to everyone. There are a million sides to every story, so come on—let’s begin writing our story.” Dr. Gordon’s new historical interpretation was challenged by traditional historians, who continue to urge Americans to obsess over every wrong thing they’ve ever done, each instance of which demonstrates our helplessness against a bleak future that we are and have always been incapable of changing.
Man Entering Fog Of Insanity Asked If This His First Time At Dave & Buster’s #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Stumbling through the restaurant and gaming establishment in a dazed and incoherent stupor, local man Rob Woodham, 31, reportedly slipped into a ghastly, blinding fog of insanity Thursday just before he was asked if this was his first time at a Dave & Buster’s location. “Can I get you a menu?” said a waiter, slowly transforming into a top-hat-wearing anthropomorphic polar bear in the maddened mind of Woodham, who—with his consciousness shattered by the swirling maelstrom of flashing lights and clanging bells amidst a chaotic realm where all logic had ceased to exist—could only drool and answer in crude grunts. “Sir? Excuse me, sir? Would you like to try our chicken wing special, or maybe I could just start you off with [the divine serpent, which you will cradle in your arms until true bliss flows freely through your veins, releasing you from the cruel facade of your mortal prison]?” At press time, sources reported that a profusely sweating Woodham had urinated everywhere and screamed out in hideous, esoteric tongues before tearing off his shirt and running outside.
God Admits Heaven Was Way Cooler In The ’70s #~# HEAVEN—Speaking with obvious nostalgia regarding the “raw and gritty” quality of his experiences in decades past, God the Almighty Creator confirmed Thursday that Heaven was “way cooler” in the 1970s. “Sure, there was a lot of more crime and corruption, but man, Heaven in those days felt way more authentic,” said the Supreme Being of Paradise of the decadent, seedy era, explaining that while admittedly dangerous, he found himself yearning for a time when the Place of Eternal Rest had porn theaters everywhere and “the cops wouldn’t hassle you for no damn reason.” “Everything seemed more vital, more immediate, more alive, if that makes sense. And I don’t mean to be a name-dropper, but c’mon. Joplin, Hendrix, Jim Morrison, they’d all just arrived and were really starting to find their voices. At the same time, we didn’t think of it as anything special; it was just where we hung out. I mean, you didn’t have to be rich to live here back then. You just had to want it bad enough. Sure, you’d see a lot of junkie angels just strung out on dirty clouds. But now it’s just so sanitized. I kind of feel sorry for the young kids showing up in Heaven now since it’s all become places like Olive Garden and M&M’s World.” God, as He has historically done when asked the question, refused to answer whether Hell might be the cooler option now.
I Guess I’m Only Tough On Stains Because My Dad Was So Tough On Me #~# I know at times I can come off a bit caustic and abrasive. For years, I had no idea where these destructive feelings and behaviors came from, but as I get older, I’m starting to realize it all stems from my youth. You see, when I was growing up, still an innocent and impressible bottle of laundry detergent, my dad could be one mean son of a bitch. Looking back, I begin to see the reason I’m so tough on stains is that my father was tough on me.
Family Members Locked In Heated Bidding War To Convince Cat To Sleep In Their Bed #~# CARY, NC—Competing to secure the new pet’s allegiance, members of the Thomas family were reportedly locked in a heated bidding war Thursday as each tried to convince their cat, Cookie, to sleep in their bed. “So far, I’ve provided the most perks—sneaking him extra scoops of food, offering him handfuls of catnip, and giving him nice pats all day,” said Avery Thomas, 11, who explained that she had begun granting the cat additional incentives, like jingly toys and tuna treats, after noticing her younger brother was leaving his electric blanket on for the 16-month-old American shorthair despite it being warm inside. “Unfortunately, my sister may have made a hard-to-beat offer by waking up an hour early every morning just to feed him. It won’t be easy to top that, though I’m not afraid to bring out the big guns and aim the laser pointer at my bed if that’s what it comes to.” At press time, sources confirmed the cat had decided to sleep in a laundry hamper full of dirty towels.
Military Recruiter Fondly Recalls When He Was Just A Naïve Kid Being Coaxed Into Making Binding 8-Year Commitment To Fill Quota #~# CHESTERBROOK, PA—Regaling a group of prospective soldiers with tales from his youth, military recruiter Luke Coleman fondly recalled Wednesday when he was just a naïve kid being coaxed into making a binding eight-year commitment to the Army in order to fulfill a recruitment quota. “Man, I remember back when I was your age, just hanging out at the mall when a recruiter came up to offer me the chance to be one of the kids he needed to sign up in order to meet his quarterly target,” said the 35-year-old staff sergeant, who appeared to grow nostalgic while discussing the day he was slowly worn down and browbeaten into enlisting by a recruiter who asked if he was a real man. “It’s crazy because I look back and I don’t even recognize that kid. I was just some scrawny teenager in a hand-me-down Starter jacket until Sgt. Hadley pulled me aside and said I could get super jacked during basic training—and that if I enlisted right away, I could get a $20,000 signing bonus. Honestly, I wish I could be back in your shoes with several tours of duty still ahead of me.” At press time, Coleman, who collected enlistment paperwork from his 12th recruit of the month, then reminisced about the days when he didn’t wake up screaming in the middle of the night.
Pros And Cons Of Banning Bottled Water #~# Many cities, venues, and scholastic institutions have banned bottled water following campaigns by environmental groups, but critics warn such bans can have harmful unintended effects. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of banning bottled water.
Trump Boys Defend Sending Saudi Arabia Plans For Cool Missile On Personal Etch A Sketch #~# WASHINGTON—Insisting that they had taken every measure to keep the message “extra top secret,” the Trump boys reportedly spent Wednesday defending their decision to send Saudi Arabia plans for a cool missile using their personal Etch A Sketch. “We spent, like, a million hours making that rocket look super good, so we had to send it to our friends in Sunny Arabia [sic] as soon as we could,” said Eric Trump of the jagged rendering of an airborne missile with what appeared to be a lightning bolt on its side, noting that they had done everything they could to ensure the privacy of the plans, which included labeled stick-figures of both brothers as well as a dog that they hoped their dad would buy for them. “No one even gave us a government Etch A Sketch. Besides, there’s this awesome ninja in there that would have been way too hard to redo. Plus, we made sure the prince knew to shake it up when he was done, just so it’s all super safe.” At press time, the Trump boys were denying responsibility for the recent leak of Lite-Brite plans for a new baby brother.
Bend In Road Not Sharp Enough To Merit So Many Roadside Memorials #~# CRYSTAL RIVER, FL—Claiming he found the turn to be well banked and cambered with perfect sightlines, motorist Calvin Henry declared Wednesday that a bend along Florida State Road 44 was definitely not sharp enough to warrant the dozen or so roadside memorials along its outside shoulder. “I mean, this is a pretty soft turn,” said Henry, noting that the section of road in question was barely even noticeable as far as highway curves were concerned, let alone a deathtrap deserving so many combined remembrances and warnings. “Would you look at all these plastic flowers and white crosses? Either the people around here don’t know how to drive or they’re just goofing around. It’s not like there’s even a steep drop on the other side of the shoulder. Seriously, people, calm down—I could take this curve at 80 without breaking a sweat.” Henry was unavailable for further comment, having become so distracted by the abundance of memorials that suffered a violent single-car accident.
Total Weirdo Leading Bracket Pool After Picking Teams She Analyzed And Predicted Would Beat The Others #~# HAVERFORD, PA—Expressing concerns about her odd behavior over the past few weeks, coworkers of Sheila Gottman confirmed Wednesday that the “total weirdo” was leading their office’s NCAA bracket pool after picking teams she analyzed and predicted would beat the others. “What kind of freak actually reads expert analysis instead of just picking whoever has the cooler mascot?” said graphic designer Mikey Riverol, adding that Gottman’s colleagues were baffled by her eccentric obsession with “high-quality wins” and strength of schedule when she could have just gone with random underdogs like Buffalo and Wofford. “You’re just supposed to pick schools that your friends and relatives went to, not actually look at the teams stats and style of play like a fucking lunactic. Maybe deranged stuff like watching games and judging talent is fun for her, but it kind of ruins it for everyone else.” At press time, several of Gottman’s coworkers were looking to flee an uncomfortable conversation with the nutjob after she came over to ask whether people thought Virginia or Duke had a better shot at making the finals.
Apple Unveils Video Streaming Service #~# At an event at its Silicon Valley headquarters, Apple unveiled an expansive video streaming service including original programming created by Oprah Winfrey, Steven Spielberg, J.J. Abrams, and other notable filmmakers. What do you think?
ISIS Fighter Dreading Smug Looks From Hometown Friends Who Told Him Caliphate Sounded Like Dumb Idea #~# BAGHOUZ, SYRIA—Returning from the battlefield in humilating defeat, ISIS fighter Abdul Habib al-Masri confirmed Wednesday that he dreaded the smug looks from his hometown friends who told him that establishing a caliphate sounded like a dumb idea. “Ugh, I talked a huge game about how I was going off to build a worldwide caliphate and that I’d show them for doubting me, but now here I am crawling back home without so much as a local stronghold to show for myself.” said al-Masri, who could already hear his old friends mocking him for coming back after only a few years despite boldly claiming the caliphate would reign for millennia. “They called me a dumbass for accepting some ridiculous opportunity I found online, but I told them I’d have the last laugh when I’m sitting at Allah’s right hand as a reward for all my sacrifices. I was on such a high horse about getting out of my shitty town, but I guess they were actually right that there’s no future in global jihad.” At press time, al-Masri had decided to martyr himself rather than give his friends the satisfaction of being proven correct.
EPA Reveals 37% Of Water Waste Nationwide Caused By Husky Kids Doing Cannonball Into Country Club Pool #~# WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on efforts to conserve the vital natural resource, a report released Wednesday by the Environmental Protection Agency found that 37 percent of all water waste in the United States results from husky kids doing a cannonball into the pool at a country club. “Our data indicate more than a third of the nation’s water loss occurs after overweight children in white T-shirts fling themselves from a diving board, clasp their chubby knees to their chests, and shout “Cannonball!” at the top of their lungs,” said EPA spokesperson Barry Donegan, explaining that the water lost to leaky faucets and inefficient irrigation practices pales in comparison to the amount that roly-poly little boys and girls splash on wealthy middle-aged women tanning poolside at private clubs. “Unfortunately, the situation is exacerbated when the husky kids get a running start and are trying to impress their even huskier cousins. According to our study, an additional 12 percent of water waste is caused by the less frequently performed belly-flop, which, depending on the child’s girth, can displace a similar volume of fluid. And a further 5 percent takes place when these children heave their tubby bodies out of the pool and make their way to the snack bar, dripping a combined annual total of 85 billion gallons of water from their sopping-wet shirts and swimsuits.” Officials confirmed a follow-up report would investigate the water lost when a husky kid accidentally knocks a uniformed waiter into the pool, inspiring a free-for-all in which all nearby sunbathers, golfers, and tennis players jump in and everyone begins splashing everyone else.
Embarrassed Comcast CEO Just Tells People He Does Digital Media Stuff #~# PHILADELPHIA—Saying he is always too embarrassed to get into the specifics of what he actually does for a living, Comcast CEO Brian Roberts confided to reporters Tuesday that whenever he is asked about his job, he just says he does digital media stuff. “It’s honestly pretty boring, so I usually tell people I work at a website doing more behind-the-scenes internet kinda stuff,” said Roberts, who added that he felt sheepish at the prospect of admitting to anyone that he sold out and took a job managing a global media and telecommunications conglomerate to pay the bills. “Considering people wouldn’t really understand what I do anyway, I’d prefer to just keep it simple and say something vague about working for a content platform. If I get into the details, then I also have to explain to people that where I work isn’t who I am, and that gets so demoralizing, you know? Ask the CEO of AT&T—he’ll tell you the exact same thing.” Roberts later added that while he’s thankful his current day job affords him the opportunity to work with creative people, what he’d really like to do is be a writer himself.
Michael Avenatti Arrested For Attempted Extortion Of Nike For $20 Million #~# Michael Avenatti, former attorney for adult film star Stormy Daniels, was accused this week of a $20 million extortion scheme against Nike. What do you think?
Liberal Feels Like Idiot For Placing Entirety Of Hopes On Mueller Probe Instead Of New York Prosecutors’ Investigation #~# MORENO VALLEY, CA—Kicking himself for focusing all his energy on the wrong thing, local liberal Brian Whitmore reportedly felt like an idiot Tuesday for placing the entirety of his hopes on Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s probe into President Trump instead of the New York state prosecutors’ investigation. “I can’t believe I was so naive as to think that the Mueller report would be the silver bullet implicating Trump in criminal election interference when it’s obviously going to be the Southern District inquiry,” said lifelong Democrat Whitmore, 31, adding that while he was still disappointed Mueller’s report hadn’t found the president guilty of collusion with Russia, several news articles he had just read made it clear to him that the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of New York held all the real investigative power. “How could I have missed it before? It was always going to be impossible for Mueller to prove Trump colluded, but the campaign finance allegations—that’s where the real action is. In fact, this was probably just what Mueller wanted all along. He did what he could do with his limited investigative mandate and now he’s handing off the probe to state prosecutors who will have a much wider purview to throw the book at Trump. I mean, they’re already working with Michael Cohen, and I bet that’s only the beginning. I just feel so dumb for spending all that time obsessing over the Mueller investigation when I should’ve been spending all my time obsessing over the New York one.” At press time, Whitmore was looking into getting his tattoo of Robert Mueller removed so he could replace it with one of New York federal prosecutor Audrey Strauss.
U.S. Army Now Just Chasing Single Remaining ISIS Soldier Around Ruins Of Syrian Village #~# BAGHUZ, SYRIA—In an effort to track down and eliminate the last militant staking claim to a caliphate in the region, American-backed coalition forces confirmed Monday they were chasing a single remaining ISIS soldier around the ruins of a small village in Syria. “This cagey individual has been using all kinds of sneaky tricks to outwit us at every turn,” said U.S. Army Gen. Joseph Votel, who described an incident in which American troops pursuing the elusive jihadist with butterfly nets ran at full speed into a brick wall the man had cleverly painted to look just like an ISIS encampment. “At one point, he put on the uniform of a five-star American general, started ordering our troops around, and I’ll be damned if we didn’t do every silly thing he commanded us to. It was hours before we figured out what had happened. Despite deploying more troops, the last ISIS soldier constantly escapes every effort to capture him by relying on a number of spin moves and jukes. We’ll be looking for the guy and he’ll be right behind us pretending to help with the search. Morale has slipped significantly because he repeatedly humiliates the entire unit when he turns around to point and laugh at us. He’s just that good.” Votel stated that once this militant was captured, the coalition would only have to worry about the estimated 30,000 ISIS fighters in Syria and Iraq who have blended back into the general population and still carry out hundreds of attacks each year.
National Friends Alliance Vigorously Defends Right To Have Great Time Palling Around With Buddies #~# WASHINGTON—Insisting that at no point in the organization’s history had its mission been more important, members of the National Friends Alliance held a press conference Tuesday in which they offered a forceful defense of the freedom to pal around with your buds and have a great time. “For nearly 250 years, the NFA has championed the sacred American right to just hang out and have fun with your boys, and now more than ever, our message must be heard,” said Alliance president Phil Haskill, who was joined on stage by several members of his organization as he stressed that all people, regardless of culture or creed, deserve the opportunity to chill with their bros, amigos, or homies. “We must stand in solidarity and say, ‘Enough is enough.’ That’s why today, together with the Consortium of Best Mates in the United Kingdom, we have issued a declaration stating that we will not rest until we can be certain the right to unwind and let loose with one’s closest compadres is safe for generations to come.” At press time, reports confirmed tens of millions of Americans had responded to the announcement by saying all of this sounded cool and they’d be right over.
Shocked Vladimir Putin Slowly Realizing He Didn’t Conspire With Trump Campaign #~# MOSCOW—Saying that he had been “totally blindsided” by the revelations from the recently released findings of the Mueller investigation, a shocked Vladimir Putin reportedly came to the realization Tuesday that he didn’t conspire with Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign after all. “What the hell? I worked so hard on this—if I wasn’t colluding with the Trump campaign, who the hell was I colluding with?” said the dumbfounded Russian president, growing increasingly angry as he scrolled through his email inbox and recounted his numerous efforts at covert communication with individuals who he had thought were high-ranking Trump officials, but now he suspected were bots or anonymous internet trolls. “Man, it seemed so legit. I can’t believe I let myself get conned like this. I spent so much time emailing back and forth with DonaldTrump46@hotmail.com about compromising the democratic voting process, and now it turns out it was all fake? And we spent so much time gathering all that kompromat on the wrong people. Goddammit, I feel like I’ve wasted my life.” At press time, Putin was frantically double-checking that Russia had assisted in propping up a dictator in Syria and not some other country.
Finland World’s Happiest Country In 2019 #~# According to the 2019 World Happiness Report, Finland ranks as the happiest country in 2019, while the United States comes in at 19th and South Sudan ranks last. What do you think?
Doctor Alarmed By How Little Time Family Needed To Decide To Pull Plug On Grandfather #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Taken aback by the lack of questions and discussion, Dr. Angela Rosen of St. Joseph’s Hospital confirmed Tuesday that she was distressed by how quickly the family of 96-year-old Norman Green arrived at the decision to terminate end-of-life care for the ailing World War II veteran. “Before I even had time to finish listing all of Mr. Green’s treatment options, the family was expressing unanimous agreement that his life support should pretty much be yanked immediately,” said a visibly concerned Dr. Rosen, noting that despite there being no realistic chance of life without mechanical assistance for their grandfather—a man who earned three Purple Hearts while serving under General Patton and was married to his wife for 67 years—nobody in the family had bothered to ask. “You’d think that since we’re talking about a man who lived for nearly a century, someone in his rather extensive family would have had a tougher time making the choice to pull the plug. They didn’t huddle or really even so much as look at each other before making that call. Two minutes after that, they were chatting away with each other as if nothing major had happened.” No specific time has yet been slated for Norman Green’s disconnection from life support equipment as members of the family were still conflicted regarding which one of them would actually get to pull the plug.
Compassionate Trump Issues Full Presidential Pardon For Robert Mueller #~# WASHINGTON—Exercising his powers of clemency for the first time since taking office, President Trump compassionately issued a full presidential pardon Monday for former Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller that cleared him of any wrongdoing. “Today, under my authority as president of the United States, I hereby grant a full and unconditional pardon to Robert Mueller, a man who has spent the past two years being slandered for misdeeds that he never even committed,” said Trump, stressing that though Mueller had his share of missteps, recently released evidence now proved that the special counsel’s heart has always been in the right place. “This poor guy has been through Hell and back. He’s had dirt thrown on his name and been unfairly attacked on social media, and for what? He’s a good, honorable man. So today I’m saying: Bob, go home to your family. You’ve earned it.” At press time, Trump was even more disturbed to realize that if one thing had turned out differently, an innocent man like Mueller could have only been a single day away from spending the rest of his life in prison.
Man Who Spent Last 2 Years Drawing Pictures Of Trump And Putin Making Out Beginning To Realize Just How Wrong He’s Been #~# BOULDER, CO—Admitting he now felt “a bit foolish,” 34-year-old local artist Austin Vermillion was reportedly beginning to realize Monday just how wrong he’s been after spending the last two years drawing pictures of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin making out. “In light of the release of the Attorney General’s summary of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s long-awaited report, I can now determine the joke of Trump and Putin kissing that I’ve been rehashing over the past two years is completely and utterly inaccurate,” said Vermillion, who apologized for jumping the gun and recklessly depicting the two world leaders locked in a sensual embrace in hundreds of sketches, prints, enamel pins, and screen-printed T-shirts currently for sale in his popular Etsy store. “At the time, I didn’t think there was any other way to show that they were engaging in some sort of illicit relationship other than depicting homosexuality. I’m very sorry that I didn’t wait until all the facts came in. Now I realize I should have never drawn that cartoon of Trump all dressed up in leather BDSM gear sharing a foursome with Putin, Eric Trump, and Donald Trump Jr.” At press time, Vermillion attempted to make up for his ill-advised and fallacious artwork by producing a new sketch of Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) jerking off Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY.)
William Barr Declares Mueller Investigation Fully Exonerates Members Of Reagan Administration From Iran-Contra Involvement #~# WASHINGTON—Following the completion of the special counsel’s 22-month probe, Attorney General William P. Barr declared Monday that Robert Mueller’s investigation fully exonerates all members of Ronald Reagan’s presidential administration from involvement in the Iran–Contra affair. “I’ve reviewed Mr. Mueller’s findings and have determined conclusively that neither the late president nor any White House or Cabinet official serving between 1981 and 1989 ever ordered, oversaw, or even knew about the covert sales of American arms to Iran,” Barr said in a letter to the House and Senate judiciary committees, clearing key figures such as retired National Security Adviser John Poindexter and former staffer Oliver North in a move that finally lifts what many have seen as a dark cloud over the scandal-plagued presidency. “I assessed this report carefully and can at long last say with full certainty that Caspar Weinberger, Robert McFarlane, Elliott Abrams, and all others in the president’s inner circle operated lawfully from the time of the initial dealings in 1981 until the illegal arrangement was exposed five years later. From the 1985 diversion of funds to Contra rebels in Nicaragua, to Reagan’s untruthful 1986 denial of an arms-for-hostage trade, to the flagrant destruction of countless documents relevant to the investigation, everyone acted properly and with the best interests of the United States in mind. It is my hope that the country can now move forward and put this unfortunate episode behind it.” At press time, sources reported that Democratic leaders in Congress were still discussing a possible push for President Reagan’s impeachment.
Mueller Finds No Evidence Of Trump–Russia Conspiracy, Attorney General Says #~# While stopping short of a full exoneration, Robert Mueller’s investigation found no evidence of collusion between the president and Russia in the 2016 election, according to a summary from Attorney General William Barr. What do you think?
Retiring Rob Gronkowski Admits He’ll Miss Teammates’ Blurry Faces, Fans Spinning Perpetually In The Stands #~# FOXBORO, MA—In an emotional speech announcing his retirement after a nine-year NFL career with the New England Patriots, Rob Gronkowski reportedly admitted Monday that he’ll miss his teammates’ blurry faces and the fans spinning perpetually in the stands. “It’s really hard to know that I’ll never again stumble off the field, trying to regain my balance while the stadium crowd whirls around me and bright lights hurt my eyes,” said the 29-year-old tight end, adding that he’ll never forget the smell of grass as his head was slammed into the turf by several tacklers or looking up at the dozens of fuzzy, indistinct teammates standing above him waiting for the injury cart to arrive. “I’ll miss the rush of trying to guess which of the 10 balls flying toward me was the one I was supposed to catch, and I’ll definitely pine for the days when I’d arrive at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday in June thinking it was gameday. Mostly, I’ll miss both Tom Bradys, both Bill Belichicks, and both Robert Krafts, who were always there for me, fading in and out of my vision, asking me if I was really in that much pain and if I could suck it up and get back on the field. I’m just thankful I’ll have this constant ringing in my ears to remember my time in the NFL by.” Gronkowski added that he was retiring early in order to enjoy the few years of remembering his career he has left.
Lazy Man Waiting For Spark Of Inspiration To Finally Get Started On Masturbating #~# TOLEDO, OH—Delaying his usual afternoon session until such time as he felt genuine creative purpose, local man Andy Conrad decided to wait for a spark of inspiration before getting started on his masturbating. “I’ve been putting it off for most of the day because I really need to be in the right state of mind,” said Conrad, whose efforts to maintain a consistent schedule of self-pleasuring for 20 minutes each day had established a fragile momentum, but at the cost of novelty and quality. “I was on a hot streak for a while, but you can’t force true inspiration, especially in the morning. Masturbating every day can be a real grind, and I’m trying to avoid just going through the motions. I know some people can just force themselves to pound one out, but I need to have a strong, clear vision and sense of direction. I heard Ernest Hemingway could just set his jaw and go at any hour of the day or night, but I just can’t operate like that.” At press time, Conrad had decided to take a walk in the park to clear his mind and possibly get some material.
Google Announces Gaming Platform Called Stadia #~# Google has announced Stadia, a gaming platform and controller that they claim will provide better-than-console quality graphics to web browsers through high-quality streaming. What do you think?
‘Apex Legends’ Players Finally Getting Good Enough To Make Game Impossible For Average People To Enjoy #~# BRANFORD, CT—After countless hours memorizing the map, familiarizing themselves with the various weapons, and refining tactics for all character mixes, the skill of top Apex Legends players reached the point this week where the game is impossible for average people to enjoy. “It’s really gratifying that I’m good enough to completely overwhelm and frustrate newcomers to the game,” said self-described “entrepreneur” and Apex Legends regular Mark Haglund, 32, explaining how in just over three weeks, he had managed to invest over 200 hours in figuring out the ideal drop locations and flanking maneuvers, causing casual gamers playing against him and his friends to simply quit in frustration. “I admit I hated it at first—everyone was on the same level and everyone had a decent chance to win any given game. What’s the point of a game like this if I’m not systematically crushing normies and making the experience miserable and confusing for 95 percent of the player base?” Haglund added that once Apex Legends had become a virtual ghost town due to the actions of players such as himself, he was looking forward to trying out Anthem.
Woodstock 50 Announces Lineup #~# The 50th anniversary concert of Woodstock announced its lineup this week, including headliners The Killers, Dead & Company, and Jay-Z as taking part in a commemoration of the historic ’60s concert. What do you think?
Serta Wholesaler Lets Customers Cut Their Own Length Of Mattress #~# HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—In an effort to eliminate the middleman and sell directly to the public, a new Serta wholesaler that opened Friday reportedly allows customers to select and cut their own lengths of mattresses. “I like that I have the flexibility to get just the amount I want instead of being confined to the standard cuts available at most stores,” said customer Leah Dubois, telling reporters that while a full bed usually wasn’t enough for her family, a queen was just too much and often some of it went to waste, so she appreciated being able to split the difference by selecting her own length. “The cashier was friendly and helpful, and it didn’t just seem like he was trying to upsell me. He explained that the day’s memory foam selection was nice and tender, whereas the innerspring they currently have in stock is a little tough. Honestly, I’d just planned on picking up less than a twin when I got in here, but at only $20 a pound, I wouldn’t be surprised if I leave here with a couple California kings!” Dubois added that she was so charmed by the shopping experience that she planned on stopping by tomorrow on the way home from work to grab some freshly ground pillows for her kids. 
Study Reveals That Girls Who Play Princess Grow Up With Skewed Perceptions Of The Role Of Modern Monarchy In A Democratic Society #~# NEW YORK—Shedding new light on the environmental factors influencing women’s views of royal privilege and responsibility, a study released Friday by New York University’s Department of Psychology found that the majority of girls who play princess develop skewed and possibly unrealistic perceptions of the role of the modern monarchy in a democratic society. “Children are highly impressionable, and participating in royalist role-playing of this nature tends to reinforce regressive conventions, particularly regarding how the sovereign’s daughter promotes national unity and performs her duties in the dynasty, duties which today differ greatly from what they once were,” said lead researcher Dr. Susan Allyn, noting that 94 percent of preadolescent test subjects participating in the scenarios “Teddy Bear Tea Party” and “Ball Gown Dress-Up” internalized traditional but outdated notions about a junior head of state’s ambassadorial responsibilities when their present-day functions are in fact more likely preserving cultural heritage by representing the Queen at public-facing events within, rather than outside, the kingdom. “Conversely, two-thirds of participants who never role-played as Rapunzel or Cinderella demonstrated, through their treatment of Grand Vizier Teddy-Bear and Countess Cottontail, a rudimentary but progressive understanding of how a Royal Highness’s ceremonial and legal powers within the State vary across the 44 monarchical nations while still generally leaning towards the embodiment of national identity, if merely as a figurehead. These girls were, for instance, much more likely to go through life with a general sense of how the crown in Islamic monarchies tends to retain more political power than in its European or Commonwealth counterparts.” The study also found that girls who play princess typically grow up with a distorted sense of the role played by magic wands in a contemporary post-industrial economy.
Myspace Loses All Content From Before 2016 #~# Due to an alleged server error, social network Myspace has lost millions of photos, videos, and songs published on the website before 2016. What do you think?
MTA Unveils New Designated Seating For Commuters Who Look Like They’re About To Snap #~# NEW YORK—In a move touted as a major victory for the rights of New Yorker public transportation passengers who are this close to fucking losing it, the Metropolitan Transit Authority unveiled a new designated seating system Friday designed to accommodate commuters who seem to be just about to snap. “For too many years, the New York City MTA has failed to meet the needs of scowling riders repeatedly muttering ‘Fuck this shit’ under their breath, but today, we’re excited to announce that individuals about to blow a fuse will now be offered seats where they can have a second of goddamn peace,” said spokesman Aaron Donovan, adding that the initiative would cater to the roughly 1.7 million city residents who find themselves on the brink of daily violent meltdowns by adding a minimum of four seating options by the entrance of each subway car, rail car, and bus. “Those seats reserved for customers one bad moment away from flipping their wig at any second will have signage indicating them as such. Those who are clearly going through some serious shit and wearing an expression conveying ‘Not today’ have long been overlooked, so, as always, offer your seat to the critically cranked-up when at all possible.” Shortly after their introduction, thousands of transit passengers across New York City were seen going totally fucking apeshit upon discovering the priority seats already occupied.
Zion Williamson In Panic After Realizing Game Falls On Same Night As Theater Club Production #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Frantically pacing and weighing the fallout of skipping the game, Duke forward Zion Williamson was panicking Friday after realizing his NCAA tournament game against North Dakota State falls on the same night as his theater club’s production of In The Heights. “Oh man, oh man, I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t wanna miss the game, but that club is my passion, and I made a promise to this cast,” said Williamson, revealing that Duke’s “amazing theater club” was perhaps the deciding factor that drove him to enroll at the university. “I know RJ [Barrett] and Tre [Jones] will be upset if I skip out, but that club is like my family—they were the first friends I made on campus. We’ve been rehearsing this for months now; I know all my lines and I just got all my blocking down. And the show will be a total train wreck without me. Cory is my understudy for a reason—there’s absolutely no way he can handle the role of Graffiti Pete.” At press time, Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski was telling Williamson to forget about what everyone else wanted and follow his heart.
Pros And Cons Of Breaking Up The Big Tech Companies #~# A recent proposal by Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren to break up big tech companies like Apple, Google, and Amazon has revived debate over whether they have too much power. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of breaking up the big tech companies.
Trump Backs Release Of Mueller Report #~# While fielding questions from journalists, President Trump stated that he looks forward to the release of the investigation into the 2016 election, saying, “Let it come out. Let people see it—that’s up to the attorney general.” What do you think? 
Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade #~# WASHINGTON—Doubling down on his criticism of the departed lawmaker in the face of bipartisan condemnation, President Trump ramped up his attacks Thursday against the late John McCain by exhuming the senator’s corpse and dragging it behind his presidential motorcade. “I’m having some trouble understanding the strategy behind unearthing the body of this true American hero, chaining it to the bumper of a limousine, and driving it around our nation’s capital,” said Sen. Mitt Romney (R-UT), who added that shackling McCain’s half-decomposed remains by the neck to the presidential state car and speeding through D.C.’s most pothole-ridden streets would only serve to distract people from Trump’s important policy initiatives. “It’s not only counterproductive, but an insult to John McCain’s memory to see his lifeless body bouncing and flailing across the National Mall like that. It certainly wasn’t necessary for them to exceed 55 miles on the Beltway. I’d really prefer if the president refrained from such conduct.” At press time, sources confirmed Trump had further escalated his attacks against the late senator by off-roading with the corpse through the rugged terrain of Rock Creek Park.
Experts Caution New Car Loses 90% Of Value As Soon As You Drive It Off Cliff #~# HEATHROW, FL—Warning consumers of the hidden pitfalls of vehicle depreciation, experts from the American Automobile Association cautioned Thursday that the average new car loses 90 percent of the original sticker price as soon as you drive it off a cliff. “It’s important buyers be aware that when they purchase a vehicle, almost its entire worth disappears the second they pull out over a cliff’s edge,” said AAA CEO and President Tim Condon, explaining that within moments of a car leaving the ground and soaring through the air, the vehicle becomes worth no more than scrap metal. “It doesn’t matter if it’s a luxury sedan or an affordable pickup, the vehicle’s resale value depreciates more and more as it descends to the craggy bottom. This is why it’s crucial that you do your research before you drive off a steep rock face.” At press time, Condon also warned that most car dealers often refuse to take back any vehicle immediately after it explodes at a cliff’s base.
Coachella Unveils Premium VIP Areas Where Fans Will Be Able To See, Hear Bands #~# INDIO, CA—Touting the tickets as offering the best experience for fans of the music festival, Coachella organizers on Thursday reportedly unveiled premium VIP areas where fans will be able to see and hear the bands. “For just $1,299, our special VIP passes give festival attendees parking, admission to the campground, and exclusive access to the only areas in the entire festival from which you can hear and see live music,”  said Coachella spokesperson Melanie Watters, adding that general admission tickets were also on sale for those festivalgoers who were interested in seeing or hearing the bands, but not both. “And for just $399 more, we’re offering a limited run of passes that will allow access to a cordoned-off special section where you can get within 200 feet of the stage. If you want to be within visual distance of the bands you love and came to the festival to hear audible levels of sound, these are the only passes that will allow you to do that. VIP pass-holders will also be the only ones permitted in our special bathroom section, which provides the only bathrooms on festival grounds, and it’s just $50 more to enter a bathroom with a functioning toilet.” At press time, organizers expressed bafflement after learning they hadn’t sold any of the VIP passes.
None Of Mom’s Clothes Can Be Cleaned Using Washing Machine #~# MEQUON, WI—Taken aback by their mother’s high-maintenance wardrobe, household sources confirmed Thursday that none of Bianca Dern’s clothes can be simply placed in a standard washing machine for cleaning. “Mom won’t even let me touch any of her laundry. I’ve tried to help out, but everything needs to be washed according to some super specific method,” said daughter Vanessa Dern of her mother’s various work slacks, sweaters, and silk-blend blouses, all of which involve unique, labor-intensive, and almost unheard-of methods of individual laundering. “Her jeans have to be hand-washed and then hung up to dry outside. There’s a tweed jacket she scrubs with a special brush. She has a weird sundress that she just rinses with a water-and-baking-soda solution—I have no idea what kind of fabric that is. She only owns two things that can even be sent to the dry cleaners, and she pins special instructions to those.” The younger Dern admitted to simply spraying her mother’s dirty laundry with Febreeze and calling it a day.
Arctic Locked In To Warm 9 Degrees By End Of Century #~# A United Nations report revealed that even if carbon pollution stopped tomorrow, the region’s winters would warm by 9 degrees Fahrenheit by 2100. What do you think?
Beto O’Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising #~# Democratic hopeful Beto O’Rourke raised a record-breaking $6.1 million in the first day of his 2020 run, his campaign announced this week. What do you think?
Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account #~# WASHINGTON—Vowing to fight tooth and nail against what he called “an insidious smear campaign,” Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) announced Wednesday he was considering filing a defamation lawsuit against his official Twitter account for ruining his reputation. “The figure behind @DevinNunes has disparaged my good name in what appears to be a highly coordinated effort to make me look like some kind of whiny, impetuous idiot,” said the House Intelligence Committee’s ranking member, who accused the verified account of repeatedly posting and sharing content that has portrayed him as “a crackpot with abhorrent views” since the profile was first created in 2009. “The fact that Twitter has allowed this account to exist for nearly a decade is a major testament to the platform’s left-leaning bias. They’ve stood idly by and watched while my official account has spewed out nothing but drivel and lies. This is character assassination, pure and simple.” Nunes added that hopefully the lawsuit would serve as a stern warning to other outlets that have smeared him, including his official Facebook account, his official campaign website, and Nunes.house.gov.
Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle #~# WASHINGTON—Saying it was time to “get out the hog for one last ride,” former Vice President Joe Biden pulled the dusty painter’s tarp off of his old campaign motorcycle Wednesday, gently running his hand along the polished chrome headlight and muttering “welcome back, baby.”
Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration #~# ATHENS, OH—Confessing that he was completely blindsided by the request, parent Erik Schaff said Wednesday that his son Cody, 8, needed a full-body costume and 30 individually wrapped treats by tomorrow morning for some sort of school celebration. “Cody just handed me a note saying that the third grade is holding an event for some bullshit called ‘Friendship Day’ tomorrow, and he needs to dress up as a character from his favorite book and bring in a treat for some in-classroom picnic deal,” said Schaff, emphasizing that the celebration also evidently requires his son to memorize four lines of a poem his class would be performing in a pageant less than 24 hours from the time of the notification. “There’s a whole list of snack types to avoid due to allergies, and naturally, the brownies and marshmallow squares have already been reserved by other parents. The teachers are also strongly suggesting that I help Cody build a ‘Friendship Diorama’ to display during the ‘Friendship Fair’ in the afternoon. What the hell is this? And why do I have to sign a permission slip when they’re not leaving campus? Also, what does the $10 suggested donation go towards? Jesus Christ, Cody, seriously.” At press time, Schaff had resigned himself to taking the afternoon off work upon learning that most parents would be attending the assembly.
Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt #~# Student loan debt in the United States has risen to $1.6 trillion owed by tens of millions of people, leading to calls for it to be wiped out, although opponents are concerned about the economic and ethical consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of canceling student loan debt.
Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging #~# BOSTON—In a discovery shedding light on the famous macabre author’s less-acknowledged qualities, literary historians at Harvard University unearthed Wednesday dozens of uplifting poems and breezy short stories written by Edgar Allan Poe later in his life after he got into the habit of jogging. “Poe’s later, much more optimistic work makes it clear that the simple act of going for a short run every morning really improved his outlook and completely altered his writing style,” said researcher Dr. Bethany Smith, noting the author’s simple, healthy lifestyle change had evidently inspired previously unheard-of titles like The Joyous Day, The Happy Chickadee, and The Runner’s High, among dozens of other sparklingly cheerful works. “Though Poe may be known for his dark tone and gothic sensibility, these writings paint vivid pictures of young love’s ability to triumph and life’s small, beautiful moments. Diary entries from this period seem to indicate that he was in a better place and that he eventually even got down to a seven-minute mile.” Poe died in 1849 at age 40, having reverted back to a dark, humorless style of writing following a disastrous ACL tear.
One Million Pounds Of Pork Seized At New Jersey Port #~# Federal agents seized 1 million pounds of pork products at a New Jersey port in the largest agricultural bust in U.S. history. What do you think?
Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting #~# In the first 24 hours after the attacks, Facebook removed 1.5 million videos of the recent New Zealand terror attacks, 1.2 million of which were blocked immediately at upload to reduce the act’s virality. What do you think?
Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a landmark discovery that sheds new light on the development of Western thought, historians announced Tuesday they had found several lost Socratic dialogues in which the ancient Greek philosopher simply gives up and screams that his debate opponents are all fucking brainwashed shills. “In these newly unearthed texts, there are numerous instances in which Socrates accuses his interlocutors of having small penises before going on to claim he has fucked their wives,” said Harvard University professor Helen Speck, citing dialogues in which Socrates proposes that anyone who disagrees with him is a pathetic piece of shit on the payroll of the Athenian aristocracy and ought to just kill himself. “We’ve uncovered many rhetorical tactics previously undocumented in the classical canon, such as Socrates’ tendency to scream ‘Fuck you!’ ad nauseam until his challenger stopped trying to express his viewpoint. We even have contemporaneous accounts suggesting Socrates doxxed his opponents, posting their addresses all over the Acropolis and inciting his followers to harass them. It’s pretty amazing to see our culture’s philosophical tradition being born here.” Speck added that Plato, the most famous student of Socrates, received an education centered around learning to shout a stream of relentless, unsubstantiated libel at anyone believed to be a giant pussy.
Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper #~# LONDON—Bringing an end to years of controversy and legal challenges, Scotland Yard officials announced Tuesday that they had freed 163-year-old British man James Babington Gaskell after DNA evidence found him innocent of murder charges related to notorious serial killer Jack the Ripper. “It’s certainly a gross miscarriage of justice that Mr. Gaskell was imprisoned for well over a century, but thanks to the modern science of DNA testing, we can now safely confirm that he was not responsible for the gruesome Whitechapel murders, as we once believed,” said Police Commissioner Stephen House, describing the emotional scene outside Brixton Prison as a tearful Gaskell reunited with his visibly relieved 108-year-old son Robert, 153-year-old wife Gladdy, and 193-year-old mother Henrietta. “Of course, it’s been difficult for him to adjust to society since electricity and automobiles became widespread. But through these 14 decades of campaigning on his own behalf and studying to be a barrister, he never stopped believing in his innocence. We wish him the best in his new life.” At press time, a spokesperson for Gaskell confirmed that he was resting at home and planned to return to his position as a bootblack in the East End as soon as possible.
Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants #~# After a spat of patrons being ejected from restaurants for wearing MAGA hats, a new app named 63red Safe will help users find restaurants that serve patrons of all political beliefs. What do you think?
Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia #~# BURBANK, CA—In an effort to better integrate its values into the heart of its brand, the Walt Disney Company announced Tuesday it had decided to rehire writer–director James Gunn to helm Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 as part of a company-wide push to embrace pedophilia. “Pedophiles have always had an important role to play at Disney, but now more than ever we want to put people who have sex with children front and center,” said company spokesperson Eloise Andrade, who explained that the decision to fire Gunn from the Marvel franchise had come only after the filmmaker angered Disney executives by apologizing for his 2009 tweets about enjoying pedophilia. “From John Lasseter to Harvey Weinstein, this company has a rich history of sexual predation, so Mr. Gunn, with his public endorsement of man–boy love, was always a good fit at Disney. We’re glad to have him back as we move forward with our plan to inject a pedophilic spirit into everything we create, be it a Marvel film that centers on Baby Groot or an extended release of 1928’s Steamboat Willie in which Mickey Mouse is shown to be transporting bound-and-gagged children in his ship’s cargo hold.” Andrade was quick to add that producers would be keeping a close eye on Gunn to make sure he does not try issuing any more apologies for the intense sexual yearnings he feels toward young children.
Facebook: ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Warning that users who call for the suspension of bigoted accounts might just be afraid of a real debate, Facebook representatives told reporters Tuesday that classifying hate speech can be difficult because some posts actually make very interesting points. “At Facebook, we are committed to combating violence and hate speech on our platform, but can you really call these posts hate speech when a lot of them are based on science and logic?” said Monika Bickert, head of global policy management at Facebook, claiming that unless you’re a sheep who just swallows everything the mainstream media sells you, a number of these posts had a lot to consider, and even if you don’t completely agree with the attacks on race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation, it should not be a crime to make people think. “If you’re as open-minded as you claim, you will see that while some of these posts cross the line, many of them are really nuanced and make good points. Of course, everyone should feel safe on Facebook, but it’s hard to determine what’s threatening because the more you watch these videos, the more you realize that Islam might be incompatible with west. Maybe people are just scared of hearing the truth.” Bickert added that if people were such big fans of policing speech, she had some eye-opening videos on globalism she could share on Facebook.
Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time #~# WASHINGTON—Realizing that he spent years fighting for the life of what turns out to be a “little fucking gremlin,” anti-abortion activist Logan Brecken, 24, had a change of heart Tuesday after seeing detailed photographs of a human fetus for the first time. “Oh, my God! I can’t believe I used to stand outside Planned Parenthood and chant ‘They have fingernails,’ because those are not cute little baby fingernails. Those are claws or some shit. I should’ve shouted ‘Gross! Kill it! Kill it!’” said the former pro-lifer, admitting he had always pictured an innocent human child in the womb, but now believes no good Christian would be opposed to killing something so obviously evil. “This gross little alien tadpole already has a heartbeat? That’s freaking terrifying. Is—is that a tail? Ew, ew, ew—the bumps on its spine, the weird-ass neck...The teeth, Jesus, the teeth. If my life began like that, I want to fucking kill myself. When I first heard about abortion, I thought it was pretty bad. Now, I’m not so sure. No way this thing has the right to live.” Brecken, however, has not softened his hardline stance against a woman’s right to choose, and now flatly states that abortion should simply be mandatory.
Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—Confirming decades of speculation concerning the potentially disruptive effects of runaway literacy, scientists at the University Of Alabama published a study Tuesday establishing a definite and potentially dangerous link between the practice of book learnin’ and increased back talk. “According to our data, processing information from these highfalutin’ books has a direct correlation to getting a little too big for your britches and turning into a real sass-back,” said professor and co-author Jedediah Lee Lutz, noting that participants who gleaned moon-eyed ideas from reading were much more likely to get notions way above their raising. “There appears to be a clear connection between book learnin’ and acting like you plum don’t got no horse sense.” Lutz recommended that concerned authority and parental figures simply smack them book talkin’s right out the offending party’s fancy little mouths.
Officials: Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes #~# Ethiopian officials have found clear similarities between two recent crashes involving Boeing 737 Max 8s, putting pressure on manufacturer Boeing to determine what flaw in their planes might have been responsible for the tragedies. What do you think?
Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There #~# CRANSTON, RI—Describing the utter lack of ambition as “such a shame,” sources confirmed Monday that local 27-year-old Andrew Maslia has been wasting his life playing video games when there’s a whole world of other screens out there. “It’s really sad to see a guy like that spending eight hours a day holed up with his PS4 when he could be staring at his phone or his iPad instead,” said a source close to Maslia, expressing bewilderment over why anyone would sink that much time into video games when the world has so many streaming services, YouTube videos, and social media feeds to offer, and they’re all within arm’s reach. “Andrew is always on the couch holding a game controller, even though he could be holding one of four or five different remote controls instead. He hardly ever powers up his laptop anymore, and I honestly don’t remember the last time he went outside to go to a movie theater. He’s really missing out.” The source also confirmed that it has probably been years since Maslia last read a book on his Kindle.
Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle #~# PERRYSBURG, OH—Promising to restore economic vitality and dignity to the struggling Rust Belt municipality, President Trump made a solemn promise Monday to bring back the town of Perrysburg, OH’s shuttered White Castle franchise. “White Castle was the lifeblood of this community, but unfortunately, during a previous presidential administration, it was closed down,” said Trump, describing the hardships faced by local families, many of whom patronized the White Castle for generations but can no longer purchase a 30-slider Crave Case without driving more than two hours round-trip to reach the chain’s Ann Arbor, MI location. “This town was built on jalapeño sliders, onion rings, and mozzarella cheese sticks, but now it’s getting screwed over by foreign companies like Taco Bell and Panda Express. Frankly, it’s a disgrace, and I’m in talks with the regional franchise manager to reopen this restaurant and make sure Ohioans have access to all the best American fast foods. Nobody should be forced to sell their home and uproot their family just to move to a town with a White Castle.” When asked about the danger to fast food jobs posed by automated burger-flipping machines, the president responded that he hasn’t looked into it yet but knows a lot about technology and believes the threat is nonexistent.
NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal #~# INDIANAPOLIS, IN—In a stern indictment of the cash-grabbing scandal that the student athletics organization was somehow kept completely in the dark about, the NCAA announced Monday the launch of an investigation into why it wasn’t making millions off of the recent college admissions controversy. “After the disturbing revelations that massive bribes were being paid out to people other than us, we’re launching an immediate inquiry into how we possibly missed out on this,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert, who claimed it was a “total failure of the system” that they were not raking in cash from wealthy celebrities when universities like Stanford, Yale, and USC were. “As an organization that always strives to squeeze money out of college athletics, I’m disgusted that this all went on right under our noses without us getting so much as a taste. There’s no way there isn’t some desperate millionaire out there willing to pay for his son to be a benchwarmer on a D1 team. To miss out on such a lucrative pay-to-play scheme goes against everything the NCAA stands for.” At press time, the NCAA had fined and suspended dozens of college coaches for not letting them in on the action.
KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 #~# OAKLAND, CA—Claiming that unconstrained advances in meat-sauce application was as far beyond human calculation as its potential to harm future generations, KC Masterpiece CEO Benno Dorer warned Monday against society’s increasing reliance on A1. “When applied correctly—and, crucially, in judicious amounts—it’s true that A1 can improve our lives, but we are a increasing risk of becoming wholly dependent on it,” said Dorer, noting that most Americans bring A1 into their homes without considering whether the benefits of the tangy, tomato-based condiment outweigh the costs. “This isn’t some science fiction fantasy. This is reality. A1 is already here, and we’re just handing over our flavor autonomy to this sauce even when we don’t fully understand it. At least with KC Masterpiece, the sweet heat you feel is real. Ask yourself—can you handle our new Wildflower Honey Habeñero?” Dorer further urged Americans to examine how A1 affects their lives and honestly try to imagine a life without it.
God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos #~# CREATION—Admitting that the mere thought of hosting His guest next weekend filled Him with terrible anxiety, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed Monday that He was “really dreading” an upcoming visit from His older brother, who had brought into being a far more successful cosmos. “I stress out whenever my brother visits because His universe doesn’t even have war or famine, so when I try to talk to Him about my problems, He just stares at me with this blank look upon His countenance. It’s like, come on, I’m trying my best over here,” said the Creator of All Things, adding that He tries, really tries, to be a compassionate and merciful God, but His brother’s visits always leave Him feeling deeply inadequate despite His vast accomplishments. “Last time He was here, He kept going on and on about how His flock never had to leave their Edenic garden and was making all these little passive-aggressive jabs, like, ‘Oh, wow, creating humans in your image, how original, I suppose I just enjoy taking risks, more of a challenge that way, don’t You know, but still it’s nice that You stick to the basics, simplicity is its own virtue, I suppose, at least in Your world.’ He actually said that! And you should have seen the way He was squinting at sub-Saharan Africa, just being terribly judgmental. It feels like no matter what I do or how I live my life, nothing I ever do will be good enough for Him. Man, I hope humanity never feels that way about Me.” At press time, God was attempting to create an elaborate excuse to cancel on His brother.
Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say #~# A group of 250 experts have signed a United Nations and World Health Organisation petition suggesting the electromagnetic (EMF) frequencies of Airpods and similar wireless headphones could cause cancer. What do you think?
Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% #~# AMES, IA—In part of an ongoing effort to foster a more inclusive academic community, thousands of students from across the nation were forced to attend Iowa State Monday after the university set its acceptance rate to 140 percent. “We’d like to congratulate all the people who didn’t apply, but were nevertheless determined to have the heart of a Cyclone,” said university president Wendy Wintersteen, who noted that hundreds of required admissions letters were still in the mail, and that those not yet accepted should not lose hope of being conscripted this Fall. “The class of 2023 will almost certainly be the most diverse and accomplished freshman cohort in the history of Iowa State. In fact, we were quite surprised by the number of international students we were able to prod onto planes. We look forward to meeting you all in September when we can assign your mandatory major, varsity sport, and Greek organization.” At press time, Wintersteen confirmed that the university would not be adding any additional scholarships or housing, but promised that each student would love their dozens of new roommates.
How FEMA Responds To Disasters #~# Since its implementation in 1979, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has served as the U.S. government’s main response team to natural disasters, but often faces criticism for efforts perceived as insufficient. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how FEMA responds to disasters.
Report: More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel #~# SANTA CRUZ, CA—A report published Friday by cultural anthropologists at the University of California, Santa Cruz, revealed that an increasing number of women are forgoing the custom of taking their husbands’ surnames and instead opting for something totally badass like Diesel, Nitro, or Pulverizer. “We’ve observed a trend in which many married women, by choosing a way fucking cooler last name along the lines of Axle or Bone-Crusher, are beginning to challenge the Western patrilineal tradition,” said Professor Sarah Annihilator Kelman, adding that the assumption that the man’s name will automatically be taken in marriage has become outmoded as women realize nothing prevents them from calling themselves Blade, Scab, or anything else that just sounds awesome. “Especially for women who have worked hard to establish themselves professionally, taking someone else’s name can make them feel as if they’re losing a part of who they are, so this is a way for them to maintain their identity—and vastly improve upon it. In the 21st century, a woman can become Mrs. Shredder or Ms. Doomsday, or even finding a compromise with her partner by choosing to hyphenate her name to something like Mrs. Shredder-Davis. At the end of the day, it’s a personal decision.” Annihilator Kelman acknowledged the practice may cause difficulties if a couple chooses to have children, but observed that kids almost always prefer to go by whichever family name kicks the most ass.
Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries #~# Hundreds of thousands of young people will walk out of schools today to protest against inaction on climate change, following the example of Swedish teen Greta Thunberg, who held a solo protest outside of the country’s parliament. What do you think?
Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything #~# YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Confusing her friends and colleagues as to what could possibly drive her to undertake such an expedition, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring explorer Jillian Greene’s solo hike through Yosemite National Park has evidently nothing to do with soul-searching, an inner journey, or any other form of self-discovery. “Naturally, I assumed she was attempting to deal with a catastrophic event, the loss of a parent, or a devastating breakup or something similar. But no, Jillian is really just using her vacation time to be out in nature, just walking for the sake of walking, I guess?” said Greene’s coworker Demory Jacobs, who noted the baffling 10-day trip requires Greene to carry all her own gear and food, sleep under the stars in all manner of weather, and be completely cut off from technology while in no way helping her come to terms with her true self, make peace with her demons, or ease her transition into a new chapter of her life. “She’s not graduating from anything, trying to reconnect with her inner child, attempting to understand the soul of her distant but nature-loving father, exploring an external wilderness in order to comprehend and inner universe, assuaging her cultural guilt over lands stolen from indigenous peoples, or trying to kick heroin, so we can’t think and any reason she’d want to explore the outdoors. We’re all pretty freaked out.” At press time, Greene’s friends and family expressed regret over not staging an intervention immediately after she revealed her desire to just enjoy the fresh air, silence, and sunsets.
Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child #~# CATASAUQUA, PA—Positively brimming with joy after welcoming the infant into their home, first-time grandparents Edward and Colleen Harris told reporters Friday they were overwhelmed with emotion now that they finally understood what it meant to love a child. “I can’t even begin to put my happiness into words because I’ve never felt anything like this before,” said the new grandmother, adding that she could think of nothing in her 71 years that could even begin to compare with the experience of looking into the eyes of her newborn grandson, Logan, and seeing a tiny piece of herself reflected back. “It’s as though I never knew what life was really about until this moment. You spend seven decades focused almost completely on yourself, and then suddenly you’re given this whole new set of priorities. From now on, Logan will be the one who comes first.” At press time, the proud grandparents were reportedly crying, saying they felt as if everything they had done with their lives up to that point had been completely meaningless.
Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 #~# In partnership with the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency, Japan plans to build a six-wheeled, self-driving transporter that can carry two humans for a distance of 10,000 kilometers by 2029. What do you think?
Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign #~# EL PASO, TX—Revealing plans to “put his own spin” on beloved stump speeches and talking points, Beto O’Rourke announced Thursday that he was starting a Barack Obama cover campaign. “I’ve always loved Barack’s early stuff from back in ’08, even ’04, and I think diehard fans will go crazy when I cover all his greatest hits,” said the 46-year-old White House hopeful, clarifying that he and his campaign aides had spent several months “just going through Barack’s catalog” to memorize the former president’s platform. “Obama’s style always really resonated with me, and honestly, what’s the point in struggling to come up with something new when you can just give people what they want. I’m going to cover some of Barack’s most well-known campaign speeches, putting my own small twists on prison reform and healthcare—they’ll be way heavier, faster, and louder.” At press time, O’Rourke revealed that he had just finished working on a stripped-down version of “Change We Can Believe In” that went directly into a fiery rendition of “Yes, We Can!”
California Halts Death Penalty #~# Governor Gavin Newsom announced a moratorium on capital punishment, granting a temporary reprieve to the 737 inmates on the state’s death row. What do you think?
2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Touting the benefits in tourism and business revenue that such a project had already brought to his hometown, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate and South Bend, IN mayor Pete Buttigieg announced Thursday a bold plan for a 2,500-mile intercontinental riverwalk. “At a time when Americans are more divided than ever, what this country needs is a riverwalk that will provide people from all strata of society with continuous strolling, dining, and festival opportunities,” said Buttigieg, gesturing to a watercolor architectural rendering of the Intercontinental Riverwalk that he described as his “core campaign plank,” which would revitalize the country’s heartlands by attracting sorely needed coffee shops, clothing boutiques, and artisanal cocktail bars in riverside locations stretching from coast to coast. “Whether you’re just popping down to check out one of our Nationwide Art Fridays or enjoying a relaxing date night of jazz quartets in Tucson and hyper-local food in Louisville, a riverwalk gives our citizens the chance to appreciate this great nation’s beauty through the unparalleled convenience of bike and pedestrian trails stretching from sea to shining sea. That’s why, if elected, this will be my first act in office.” At press time, the Indiana mayor went on to unveil diplomatic plans to broker a pact between Mexico, Canada, and the United States for a Transnational Farmer’s Market on Saturday afternoons.
Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy #~# CHICAGO—Praising the strength and composure the former officer displayed throughout his trial and sentencing, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel broke ground Thursday on the city’s newly approved Jason Van Dyke Police Academy. “Today, we remember a brave officer, father, and friend, who was taken from us far too soon when he was sent to prison for seven years for second-degree murder,” said an impassioned Emanuel as he plunged a shovel into the ground, kicking off the sprawling 30-acre, $95-million initiative to improve police training, “the Van Dyke way.” “As a police officer, Jason taught us that sometimes you have to make a choice, stick to your choice, and defend that choice until the very end, no matter what. So, to the thousands of young recruits who will one day pass through here, we hope he can serve as a role model. That legacy will continue for decades to come. Officer Jason Van Dyke truly represents what the Chicago Police Department stands for.” At press time, Emanuel unveiled plans for a new, previously unannounced wing of the academy, a state-of-the-art facility for instructing young officers how to properly cover up a crime.
Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family #~# MORRISTOWN, NJ—Complaining that he is never able to relax and just be himself, local dog Crackers reported Thursday that he feels as though he always has to be “on” when he’s around the family to whom he belongs. “It’s like I always have to put on this show, whether it’s chasing a squeaky toy or licking someone’s face, and it just gets exhausting, you know?” said the 3-year-old labrador mix, explaining that he feels expectations are being placed on him every time a member of the family so much as pets him, though he acknowledged the cat who also lives in the home seems able to shrug off such burdens. “I can’t be perking up my ears and running to the door every time the kid comes home, let alone playing fetch every time we go to the park. I’m kind of an introvert, after all. Sometimes I just want to chill in the shade and not have to run up and sniff everyone who passes by. If it keeps going like this, someday I’m going to snap and just run away.” At press time, sources confirmed Crackers had decided that biting a stranger on a walk might be the best way for his owners to get the message.
World Wide Web 30 Years Old #~# Decades after its proposal by Tim Berners-Lee, a British computer programmer working at CERN, the World Wide Web will celebrate its 30th anniversary this week. What do you think?
Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head #~# MILTON, WI—Doing his best to cast the negative, intrusive, and ultimately accurate thoughts from his mind, local piece of shit Aaron Keliher, whom everyone fucking despises, reportedly assured himself Thursday that it’s all in his head. “Sometimes, when I’m getting really down on myself, I start to think people must just hate me,” said the fucking loser, who, according to multiple sources, is in fact hated by pretty much everybody because he has no redeeming qualities anyone could ever find worthwhile and, honestly, just kind of sucks. “I need to keep these bad feelings in check. Otherwise, I’ll spiral and wind up in a dark place. Like just last week, I was convinced I had done some silly thing to piss off [an acquaintance who was indeed pissed off by the total shitheel, and with good reason]. But in all likelihood, it had nothing to do with me at all.” The piece of shit went on to voice the incorrect assumption that his mother had not yet returned his last few calls to her because she was probably really busy.
Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout #~# ANNANDALE, VA—Saying it was just “common courtesy” to sanitize them for whoever exercised next, local man Nick Dukas told reporters Thursday that he always makes sure to wipe down his personal trainer after working out. “I sweat all over, so it would be pretty rude of me not to at least clean the fitness instructor up before hitting the locker room,” said Dukas as he wiped the surface of the muscular, over-six-foot-tall exercise consultant with a disposable disinfecting cloth, explaining how gross it was to start a workout session when your fitness guru was all smelly and covered in germs. “Not only is it important to prevent the spread of bacteria and infections, but also, disinfecting his hands and feet only takes two seconds. I remember using a guy named Daniel once after somebody forgot to clean him, and I got the nastiest rash.” At press time, Dukas added that after wiping down his personal trainer, he always makes sure to put him back in the correct spot on the rack.
‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying “No, no, no” to himself as he worked his way down the page, a desperate Matt Damon reportedly spent Thursday fervently searching for his name on IMDB user Dolphinsoul60’s list, “Top 100 Actors.” “Jason Bateman...Chris Evans…Gene Hackman? C’mon, c’mon, Dolphinsoul60. Where is your boy?” said the Hollywood leading man to himself, pausing only to take a look at number 54 on the list, but slamming his fist after seeing it was “Matt Dillon” and not “Matt Damon.” “Harry Dean Stanton is on here? Jesus Christ. I get it if I’m not in the top 10, but you’d think I’d at least be top 100. Have they even seen Good Will Hunting? Maybe I just missed it. I’ll scroll back up.” At press time, Damon had perked up after spotting his picture on a different list, having not yet noticed it was Dolphinsoul60’s “Top 25 Most Overrated Actors.”
Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income #~# LOCK HAVEN, PA—Calling him the most promising recruit he’s seen in a decade of coaching, tennis instructor Thomas Petrov confirmed Thursday that he sees real potential in his student Aiden McDavid’s family income. “From his expensive Babolat racket to the brand-new Nikes, I can tell this kid’s parents have everything I’m looking for,” said Petrov, noting that he saw promise in Aiden the moment his parents dropped him off at practice in a brand-new Mercedes Benz sedan. “I’ve mentored a lot of kids throughout the years, and I can tell that Aiden’s special—his parents aren’t just some lawyers or mid-level executives, they’re running a hedge fund. Some kids show hints of potential, but these people are rocking Cartier watches and vacationing in Italy. They’re the real deal.” At press time, Petrov convinced Aiden’s parents that he could be something really special after watching the teen pack up his supplies in an $1,200 Burberry duffel bag.
50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal #~# Dozens of parents including fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli and actress Felicity Huffman have been charged with paying millions to gain admission for their children to elite institutions such as Yale University, the Justice Department revealed this week. What do you think?
Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns #~# HOUSTON—In what they described as scriptural evidence of the right to bear arms, leading figures among the religious right gathered Wednesday to issue a statement arguing that Adam and Eve would never have been banished from the Garden of Eden if they had owned guns. “Just imagine: If Adam and Eve had carried firearms and stood their ground against God, they would have been able to eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge in peace, and He could never have forced them to leave paradise,” said Pastor Hugh Peters of Houston’s Second Baptist Church, explaining how the entire course of human history would have been altered for the better if the first man and woman had taken the simple precaution of keeping a semiautomatic weapon at the ready for use during emergencies. “God was trespassing on their property, pure and simple. He had absolutely no right to force them from their home. Had Eve been able to open-carry a handgun, maybe tying it to her hip with a vine or something, God would have known to back off. This is one of the Bible’s most important lessons.” Peters later issued an appeal to Jewish conservatives, insisting the Israelites would never have had to flee Egypt if Moses had simply been issued a sidearm with which to kill the pharaoh.
Report: Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia #~# YOUR LITTLE HEAD—Confirming that oh, sure, probably no one gets into the prestigious university without their wealthy parents pulling some strings, a report released Wednesday in the wake of a major college admissions scandal stated that if it makes you feel better, you can believe bribery is the only reason you didn’t get into Columbia. “Okay, buddy—just go ahead and tell yourself an admissions officer was holding two applications in his hands, yours and one from a person whose mom or dad handed him a big sack of cash,” read the report, going on to add that a large-scale bribery scandal was a far more likely explanation for your rejection from a highly selective Ivy League school than the fact that you partied more than you studied in high school and got middling scores on the SAT. “Uh-huh, even though you had no extracurriculars and a 3.2 GPA, you were probably only turned down because your parents weren’t rich CEOs or celebrities willing to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to help you cheat on a standardized test or falsify an application. Just hold on to that for the rest of your life, champ.” The report concluded with a recommendation that you should go ahead and buy yourself a Columbia sweatshirt, because any day now they are likely to see the error of their ways and offer you an honorary degree.
Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game #~# BOSTON—Providing new and disconcerting insights into long-speculated risks of human mating, a Boston University Medical College genetic study published last week in Nature Genetics found that, despite the longstanding cultural and social stigma of the pairing, second cousins are, in fact, technically fair game. “Our findings clearly, if unfortunately, show that despite the perceived close familial bonds, sufficient genetic variation exists in second cousins to make them suitable mates,” the study read in part, further stating that while such a relationship might make some or all members of your family uncomfortable, speaking from a purely scientific standpoint, that shouldn’t stop you. “Although, it’s not exactly ideal, like being with someone much more distantly related to you, or ideally being with someone who is absolutely no relation at all, it does appear that second cousins are, for lack of a better term, allowed. Certainly a taboo against the second cousin pairing still exists in our culture, and there is significant interest in conducting an unsettling follow-up study to investigate the possibility that the coupling’s transgressive nature might actually make it, colloquially speaking, even hotter.” In a highlighted footnote, the study specifically emphasized that siblings and parents are never under any circumstances “up for grabs.”
‘Cops’ Turns 30 #~# Debuting on March 11, 1989, Cops has followed law enforcement on patrols and drug busts over its 30 seasons, generating its share of big moments and controversy along the way. The Onion looks back at Cops on the reality show’s 30th anniversary.
Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck #~# LIVONIA, MI—Declaring that he couldn’t wait to see his wife’s eyes light up once she heard the news, local husband Kevin McCoy, 32, reportedly spent $238.76 Wednesday to buy his wife tickets to see a singer she wants to fuck. “Phoebe is just crazy about [the idea of being throroughly and repeatedly boned by] John Legend,” said McCoy of his spouse of eight years, who routinely imagines the musician’s face and body expertly pleasuring her when she closes her eyes during intercourse with her husband. “She’s always wanted to see [and be brought to repeated shuddering orgasms by] John Legend, so I’m really stoked I could make that dream come true. I managed to snag third-row seats, so she’ll get a great view [of Legend to use as masturbation fodder for years to come].” Sources close to McCoy added that he seemed completely oblivious to how his wife flushed a deep red and could barely stammer a breathless “Thank you” when he revealed he had also purchased her a backstage pass.
Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts #~# Amidst looting, hyperinflation, and a contested presidency, Venezuela has plunged into a near-countrywide blackout after its massive power failure. What do you think?
USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background #~# LOS ANGELES—Following revelations about the actress’s alleged involvement in a college bribery scandal, University of Southern California officials told reporters Tuesday that Lori Loughlin’s daughter was admitted solely based on her socioeconomic background. “We certainly condemn bribery, but we would also like to acknowledge that USC student Olivia Jade earned her way here just like every other freshman: By having lucked into growing up in the right zip code,” said spokesperson Sara McLaren, explaining that the 19-year-old Bel Air native demonstrated that she was Trojan material by listing an elite all-girls private school with a nearly $40,000-per-year tuition on her Common Application. “Since our founding in 1880, applicants have been assessed purely on strength of social class, and Olivia’s name jumped right off the page. From extracurriculars that are exclusive to the top 1 percent, to college prep classes exclusive to the top 1 percent, to recommendation letters from other members of the top 1 percent, Olivia gained entrance to USC on her economic merit and her economic merit alone.” McLaren added that the YouTube personality also appealed to admissions officers by offering a diversity in perspective to her freshman class with her experiences of growing up a celebrity.
Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push #~# WASHINGTON—Following a House of Representatives vote to support statehood for the District of Columbia, sources confirmed Tuesday that the nation’s flag nerds were breathless with anticipation, imagining all the potential configurations of stars and stripes that might result from adding a new state. “For years, students of flag-making such as myself have sketched prototypes for a hypothetical 51-star grid, so right now we’re all on pins and needles thinking we might finally get to see an updated American flag,” said Iowa-based flag dweeb Theodore Dreyfus, adding that the renewed push for D.C. statehood had generated highly contentious debates among the dorks in online vexillology forums over just where on the American flag the prospective 51st star should be placed. “We’re also getting pretty worked up over what a flag for the state of Washington, D.C. might look like. Sure, they could just use the district flag they already have, but there are many other exciting options available to them. They could make a flag that includes their new state seal, a picture of George Washington, or maybe even the year they got their statehood. The mind boggles at the possibilities!” At press time, flag nerds across the country were reportedly engaged in heated exchanges about hoists, cantons, fimbriation, fesses, and five-pointed spur-rowels.
China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash #~# After two crashes of such planes and the deaths of hundreds, China ordered the grounding of all Boeing 737 Max 8s until further inspections have been performed. What do you think?
Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning #~# NEW YORK—Insisting that they didn’t want to push the 38-year-old signal caller onto the field before he’s ready, Giants general manager Dave Gettleman told reporters Tuesday that the team was considering drafting a quarterback to mentor Eli Manning. “I think it will be good to keep Eli on the bench for a year or two so he can learn the ropes of being an NFL quarterback,” said Gettleman, noting that Manning could really benefit from watching and working with someone who had experience leading a Division I football team. “He’s definitely got the talent, he’s just raw. This will give him time to work on his mechanics and learn the playbook. Sometimes, you just need to be patient with someone like Eli, but it would be a shame if he was never given a chance to reach his true potential.” Gettleman added that, barring injury, Eli probably wouldn’t be ready for the starter role until the 2021 NFL season.
New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ #~# DES MOINES, IA—Offering new insight into the preferences of Democratic voters, a poll released Tuesday by The Des Moines Register and CNN found that nearly 60 percent of likely Iowa caucus-goers would support a presidential candidate with the name Bobby Cheeseburger. “As many as 47 percent of those surveyed indicated that they’d vote for somebody called Bobby Cheeseburger in a heartbeat without even needing to know all his policy positions,” said pollster Emily Jones, telling reporters that almost a third of Iowans believed a guy named Bobby Cheeseburger could use his homespun wisdom and commitment to American values to bring real change to Washington. “Over half of respondents said they believe that a Bobby Cheeseburger candidacy would stand a strong chance of defeating Trump in the general election by bridging the gap between centrists and liberals as well as appealing to Republicans, and 40 percent said that, if elected, they believed Bobby Cheeseburger would restore our standing in the international community. This level of excitement so early in the primary is really startling, especially when you consider that voters’ second choice, a candidate named Bonnie Cheeseburger, is only polling at 15 percent.” Jones noted that the poll found there was less than 1 percent support for a candidate named Tommy Broccoli or former Colorado governor John Hickenlooper.
Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors #~# WASHINGTON—Insisting that the technology was far too complex and required significant scientific knowledge to use, President Donald Trump complained Tuesday about the overly complicated controls needed to operate modern-day doors. “Doors these days are way too intricate and confusing for the average person to open or close,” said the president in a Twitter thread, insisting that door technology needed to go back to the old days when doors were simple and easy for everyone to use. “The only Americans who know how to operate these complex doors are MIT engineers and rocket scientists, and regular people can’t go inside or outside anymore. There’s a million things to twist and turn and all these buttons, you push and push on them as hard as you can, and yet still half the time doors don’t even work.” Trump added that the issue of door technology struck a personal chord for him, as many of the people who open doors for him are not very smart and often have trouble doing so.
Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap #~# MANAUS, BRAZIL—Paralyzed by the infinite possibilities involved in moving from his branch, a Menelaus blue morpho butterfly admitted Tuesday that he was uncomfortably aware of the potential to irrevocably damage our timeline with a single misplaced beat of his wings. “I’d really like to flit over to the fern, but the pressure on me is insane—one extra flap of my wings and, six months from now, some Cambodian village is destroyed in a typhoon,” said the three-week-old Morpho menelaus, whose debilitating fear of accidentally creating a chain of events irrevocably leading to ISIS ruling humanity while volcano ash blots out the sky has nearly destroyed his ability to make decisions. “To make matters worse, that fern is above a little freshwater rivulet, and if I dislodge even the tiniest leaf and it disrupts the flow of water to the sea, we could be looking at a global flu pandemic within a decade. On the other hand, if I don’t flap over there, unchecked airflow and hydrodynamic patterns might result in a rogue wave crashing ashore in Rio de Janeiro next week. I just hate this fucking job.” The butterfly eventually chose to play it safe and alight on a nearby fallen log where it was promptly crushed by a time traveler’s boot.
Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did #~# JOPLIN, MO—After dedicating an immense portion of his spare time to battling the Axis forces in Europe, avid Battlefield V player Jacob Dunford, 36, has, as of 2:45 a.m. Tuesday, spent more of his life fighting Nazis than his grandfather Martin did in World War II. Several reports indicated that Dunford, whose service record stretches back to Battlefield II and includes combat tours in Wolfenstein and Call Of Duty, has now officially fought the second World War longer than U.S. Army Air Corps Staff Sergeant Martin Dunford (Ret.), a transport pilot who served in the 101st Airborne Division from 1942 to 1945. Reaching the milestone while completing the final level of the Battlefield V campaign mode, Dunford also has far more confirmed kills on Nazi troops and has participated in several more significant battles than his grandfather. While the elder Dunford was present for the invasion of Normandy where he lost his left thumb and three childhood friends to German flak, Jacob has not only stormed the Normandy beaches nine times but has also helped combat the Nazi siege of Stalingrad, fought directly under Patton during the Battle of the Bulge, and completely and single-handedly defeated Secret Weapons Of The Luftwaffe. Dunford has also reportedly earned more medals (60 Congressional Medals of Honor, 60 Victoria Crosses, 90 Distinguished Service Crosses, 110 Silver Stars, 190 Bronze Stars, and an Order of Lenin) than his grandfather (two Purple Hearts, European Theater Service Medal, World War II Victory Medal), and, perhaps most significantly, has acquired 4,625 Gamerscore points to his grandfather’s none.
New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount #~# A New York real estate firm is buying the iconic Chrysler Building for $150 million, a sum that is nearly 81 percent less than what it was purchased for in 2008 due to the unique challenges of operating an aging building. What do you think?
Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice #~# DALLAS—Bringing spectators to their feet with a stunning display of showmanship, Dallas Mavericks power forward Dirk Nowitzki shattered the glass of a backboard Wednesday night with his powerful soprano singing voice. “It was mind blowing—I didn’t think he could still get that high at his age,” said Mavericks teammate Tim Hardaway Jr., who recounted his disbelief upon watching thousands of pieces of splintered glass cascade across the hardwood court after the 14-time NBA All Star hit the jaw-dropping crescendo of his refrain. “And to think he was able to nail that note with [Houston Rockets center] Nenê right in his face. No way that guy ever lives it down. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a player finish an aria with such force.” Hardaway added that it was amazing to see the stunned Mavericks fans explode in applause for Nowitzki while showering the court with red roses.
U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment #~# U.S.-backed forces are assaulting the last ISIS-held encampment in Syria with the aims of ending territorial gains that once included one-third of Iraq and Syria. What do you think?
Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him #~# NEW YORK—After promising to let anyone who disagrees with his views come on his program to explain why, Tucker Carlson spent the entire taping of his show Monday loudly and repeatedly interrupting the child bride he had invited on to debate him about underage marriage. “Ma’am, ma’am! You’ll have your chance to talk, but this is my show, and I’m not going to sit here and be lectured about how the world works by someone who hasn’t even finished middle school!” said Carlson, shouting over his guest, 12-year-old Jennifer Bridgemeyer, whose marriage to a man four times her age was arranged by a cult leader and who disagrees with the Fox News host’s stated view that her rape is not as serious as other rapes. “This is ridiculous. I won’t be manipulated like this. Just because you’re a child bride doesn’t give you an excuse to act like a child. Stop crying! Goddammit, cut her mic. Cut it!” At press time, Carlson was urging his producer to completely scrap the interview after Bridgemeyer completely dismantled his argument with the few sentences she had managed to express.
Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Smoothing down the garment before carefully placing it back on the rack, local woman Alicia McNaughton chose to pass up on the dress Monday that would have reportedly altered the course of her life forever. “Maybe this one just isn’t for me,” said McNaughton, abandoning forever the elegantly cut dress, the color and drape and feel of which would have given her the self-assurance to ascend the social hierarchy at work, captivate the eye of a talent agent, and usher her into a brilliant stratum of fame and luxury, which she would navigate with humor and aplomb until a chance meeting aboard the yacht in the Monaco marina when her true soulmate would have swept her off her feet. “It’s pretty enough, but a little pricey. I guess don’t really need a new dress [to transform life as I know it in ways I couldn’t even begin to imagine, becoming so synonymous with my ascendant fame that it becomes known as ‘The McNaughton Dress,’ imitated but never equalled by women worldwide and eventually rendered in marble by the greatest artist of the age as he weeps while sculpting the statue for my Parisian tomb, where inspired women will lay flowers until the end of time].” McNaughton settled on a $15 cheaper chambray blouse that will be instrumental in her meeting an insurance adjuster she will date on and off for 14 lackluster months.
‘New York Times’ Corrects Story By Admitting They Burned Venezuela Aid Convoy #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that new information contradicting earlier reporting had come to light, The New York Times corrected a previous story Monday by admitting that they actually burned a recently destroyed Venezuela aid convoy. “After further review, those responsible for lighting Molotov cocktails and destroying several trucks carrying medical supplies are clearly our reporters,” said the paper’s executive editor, Dean Baquet, apologizing for attributing the Feb. 23 attack to supporters of the Nicolas Maduro government instead of its own writers and photographers. “This reflects a larger problem in the media of rushing to make the facts fit a convenient narrative instead of ensuring that their reporting accurately reflects their own role in creating it. We have amended the article to show that new pictures depict multiple Times employees throwing homemade bombs in the direction of the trucks and ultimately causing the destruction. The Times regrets the error and also destroying that humanitarian aid.” The Times additionally addressed the erroneous reporting with an editorial harshly criticizing the other reporters on the scene in Venezuela for doing nothing to stop them.
CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter #~# BURBANK, CA—Criticizing the network for the cruel and unusual treatment, inmate rights groups blasted CBS programming executives Friday after evidence revealing the use of prison laughter on their sitcoms became public. “Evidently, incarcerated men and women are forced to sit and watch hour after hour of live taping. Witnesses say that if guards aren’t pleased with the volume and frequency of laughs produced—demand can sometimes be as high as 15 laughs a minute—inmates can be thrown in solitary confinement. This is just wrong,” said Samantha Aguerra, a spokesperson for the prisoners’ rights group Jailhouse Lawyers Speak, who added that many prisoners agree to the grueling, thankless “sweetening” task and are not informed that studies show working in a CBS studio audience increases violent tendencies as well as the risk of recidivism. “It’s inhumane for a person to spend long, uncomfortable hours in a regimented environment where human functions, such as outbursts of laughter and bathroom breaks, are strictly scheduled. People don’t want to think about where the laughter and applause on their favorite shows come from, but it’s on all of them—Everybody Loves Raymond, Young Sheldon, 2 Broke Girls. I don’t know what the studio audiences of these shows did to get sent to prison, but no one deserves to watch this and be expected to laugh. It’s disgusting that the same questionable practices that gave us Sanford and Son are still in use today.” Aguerra added that, upon their release, many inmates find they are unable to get jobs working at CBS due to the network’s distrust of former audience members.
DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox #~# Citing a recent New Yorker article that described the network’s “propagandistic” coordination with the Trump White House, the Democratic National Committee elected to bar Fox News from hosting its primary debates. What do you think?
Scholars Say Constitution Is Open To Differing Interpretations Because Nobody Can Read That Crazy Script  #~# WASHINGTON—As they cleaned their eyeglasses and stared at the faded, yellowing document through squinted eyes, the nation’s top constitutional scholars admitted Monday that the U.S. Constitution is open to differing interpretations because no one can read that crazy script. “After the heated negotiations of the Constitutional Convention, the Founding Fathers somehow neglected to recopy the document in a neat or even legible hand, thus their original intent is really anybody’s guess,” said legal scholar Cass Sunstein during a panel at the National Archives, where top law experts and historians conceded they had no idea whether Article II of the Constitution vests executive power in a “president,” or simply a “resident,” of the United States. “We’re in agreement that there are big headings with numbered articles, but once the rest of the text comes into play, we don’t have a clue. We found one word that as far as we can tell just says ‘sftcwafe,’ but that can’t be right. And take a look at those old-timey cursive F’s—or are they S’s? Or I’s? In any case, they’re totally out of control.” At press time, the scholars released a statement in which they acknowledged that even calling the country “the United States of America” is largely a matter of conjecture. 
Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom #~# NEWPORT, RI—Regretting that he never got a chance to sample even a single imperial stout during his years abusing alcohol, recovering alcoholic Scott Rimer expressed bitterness Monday that he had the misfortune to reach the lowest point of his life before the craft beer boom. “Goddammit. I can’t believe I hopelessly bottomed out and made the difficult decision to clean up my act just months before small, dedicated breweries started gaining real traction,” said Rimer, who confessed to feeling that his entire time as a drunk was squandered pounding Pabst Blue Ribbon and Bud Light when he could have delayed sobriety a bit longer and enjoyed a wide variety of hoppy India pale ales for a while. “I wasted years of my life drinking Schlitz in shady run-down dives. If I’d only had a little patience, I could have been in a hip brewery with dozens of different styles of beer rotating on tap. The alcohol content is high—I could have been getting fucking hammered so quickly. The bleak, gray hellscape of my addiction would have been a lot more colorful if I had known about sours, lambics, and barleywines.” Rimer was later found in his garage, relapsed and unconscious, his body curled around an empty growler of a fruity and complex Belgian tripel.
Paul Manafort Given 47 Months In Prison #~# President Trump’s former campaign chairman Paul Manafort was sentenced to under four years in prison on Thursday after being convicted of tax and bank fraud. What do you think?
Bored Iowa Town Trying To Convince Kirsten Gillibrand It Local Tradition To Eat Live Tarantula #~# SAYLORVILLE, IA—Assuring the New York senator the custom has been observed by seven generations of proud Saylorville citizens, several bored Iowans reportedly decided Friday they would try to convince visiting White House hopeful Kirsten Gillibrand that it’s a local tradition to eat live tarantulas. “It would sure mean a lot to us, ma’am, if you were to participate in our time-honored custom of taking at least one really big bite out of a living, breathing spider,” said resident Jonathan Buckley, who along with dozens of onlooking neighbors struggled to keep a straight face as he watched the contender for the Democratic nomination consider sinking her teeth into a large, hairy arachnid they placed on a plate in front of her a few moments earlier. “Every presidential candidate who comes through town does it. Obama did it, Bill Clinton did it. Oh, and they all swallow it, too—so don’t spit it out! This is how we honor our town’s founder, John B. Saylor, who in the harsh winter of 1850 had to eat tarantulas every day just to survive. Make sure you dig into the thorax, there. That’s the juiciest part.” At press time, sources confirmed a wheezing Gillibrand was assuring the Saylorville crowd she loved the local delicacy as her head and neck swelled up to twice their usual size.
NASA Plans First All-Female Spacewalk #~# American astronauts Anne McClain and Christina Koch from NASA will take part in the first all-female spacewalk at the International Space Station at the end of March, agency sources report. What do you think?
What’s In The Green New Deal #~# The Green New Deal, a set of proposals aimed at combating climate change, is being championed by many progressive leaders, although its detractors say it is unrealistic and economically unfeasible. The Onion takes a deep dive into the Green New Deal to look at its most significant policy items.
Limited-Edition Russet Potato Comes With Certificate Of Authenticity #~# IDAHO FALLS, ID—In an offer commemorating the legendary spring 2018 growing season, Wada Potato Farms released a limited edition of russet potatoes Friday, all of which will be accompanied by exclusive certificates of authenticity. “We’ve listened to our fan’s complaints about all the counterfeit potatoes on the market, and we believe providing official proof of provenance will help the tuber collector establish that their potato is the genuine article without diminishing its value,” said Wada Farms CEO Bryan Wada, who noted that each certificate would be numbered on site at the barn, certified by an agricultural notary, and stamped with the official crest of the Idaho Potato Commission in the presence of two expert vegetable witnesses. “We believe collectors will appreciate our efforts in providing this level of authentication. Between the watermark and the gold leaf around the edges, the certificate is quite the impressive piece—worthy of accompanying the best, most flavorful, most wholesome potatoes Wada has ever produced. In a day and age when eBay is flooded with knockoffs, you want to know your $500 is getting you the real deal, and we’re happy to provide.” Wada Potato Farms claims preorders for all the 2018 commemorative edition potatoes have already sold out, easily outdoing the limited-edition Ronald Reagan potatoes Wada released to commemorate the 1984 general election.
Mario Batali Leaves Restaurant Group #~# Nearly a year after sexual assault and harassment allegations surfaced, Mario Batali has exited his restaurant groups and sold all shares in the Italian market Eataly. What do you think?
‘The Bachelor’ Accused Of Leveraging His Power As A Reality TV Star To Lure 30 Women To California Mansion  #~# AGOURA HILLS, CA—Following an explosive report into allegedly abusive conduct, sources confirmed Colton Underwood, star of the current season of The Bachelor, was accused Thursday of leveraging his power as a reality television personality to lure and entrap 30 women in a California mansion. “Mr. Underwood convinced these women they were going to be wealthy and famous if they came to live with him in this house and showered him with attention,” an official investigating the case said on condition of anonymity, detailing how the 27-year-old former NFL practice squad player manipulated women at the mansion, where he promptly seized control of all aspects of their lives, including what they wore, what they ate, and when they could speak to him. “There’s a real power dynamic here. He gives them the sense they’re special by taking them on hot tub dates and beach trips. He engages in fear tactics with ‘rose ceremonies’ in which he threatens to exile those he deems insufficiently devoted. He’ll even corner them alone on one-on-ones. And meanwhile, this pervert is filming the whole thing.” At press time, authorities were reportedly panicking after realizing Underwood had fled the country with a handful of the women in a jet bound for the tropics.
Baby Feels Foolish After Realizing Stranger Waving At Toddler Next Seat Over #~# NEW YORK—Wishing he could just curl up under his blanket and die, infant Liam Henderson reportedly felt foolish Thursday after realizing a stranger he had responded to on the subway was actually waving at the toddler sitting one seat over. “Oh my God, I was smiling and babbling at him the whole time—I’m such an idiot,” said Henderson, adding that he was mortified at having burbled nonsense syllables at a man who was in fact interacting with a 2-year-old girl sitting nearby. “There’s no way to brush this one under the rug. I mean, I made a loud cooing noise and flailed my arms up and down like a complete moron. I must have looked like a total fucking doofus. I swear, if my arms were just a little longer, I would pull that emergency lever and abandon ship.” Sources confirmed Henderson then spent a few seconds looking frantically around the train car for something else he could pretend to have been laughing at when he suddenly became distracted by his toes.
Scientists Genetically Engineer Lab Rat Predisposed To Think Anything Wrong With It Might Be Cancer #~# ROCHESTER, MN—In a development that could provide valuable insight into the study of hypochondria, scientists at the Mayo Clinic introduced a strain of genetically engineered lab rats Thursday predisposed to think anything wrong with them might be cancer. “Thanks to new cutting-edge technology, we have produced a laboratory rat highly prone to believing any sniffle or cough is the first symptom of some terrible, life-threatening disease,” said lead researcher Marie Dyer, confirming that the rodents lay awake at night worrying that the bruise on their tail is undiagnosed leukemia and routinely tell their loved ones that the lump on their paw is probably a malignant tumor. “These animals are convinced they’re sick, spending the majority of their waking hours in a state of anxiety imagining every worst-case scenario regarding their health. They have been bred to panic about early-onset dementia any time they can’t remember a name and are likely to fall to the cage floor squeaking about ‘the big one’ whenever their heart skips a beat. We hope to glean a lot of valuable information from these fretful rodents who constantly assume they’re at death’s door.” Dyer added that the scientists were interested in how the laboratory rats would react once they actually were injected with cancer.
Woman Nervous For Boyfriend To Meet Person She Becomes Around Parents #~# MOOSE LAKE, MN—Filled with dread at the thought of the upcoming relationship milestone, Erika Moreau, 30, told reporters Thursday she is nervous for dinner this evening, when her boyfriend will finally meet the person she turns into around her parents. “I just don’t know how he’s going to react—she’s a lot to take, you know?” Moreau said of the difficult, obstinate woman she is powerless to avoid becoming when in the same room as one of her parents. “This is a really big step, and I hope she doesn’t scare Trevor off. It’s tough, because my last relationship actually ended not long after my ex met her. She’s just so unpredictable. She’ll fly off the handle over the tiniest things or start giving you the silent treatment for no reason. Ugh. I really hope she doesn’t get too drunk this time.” At press time, sources confirmed Moreau and her boyfriend were stunned into silence after the suddenly irate woman interrupted dinner to scream, “I’m an adult, goddammit—don’t talk to me like I’m stupid!”
Notre Dame Scandalized After Booster Caught Offering Plenary Indulgences #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—In a blatant violation of official NCAA guidelines prohibiting spiritual gifts, sources confirmed Thursday that a Notre Dame booster was caught offering prospective student athletes plenary indulgences. “It’s totally immoral to lure players with the promise of eternal salvation; Notre Dame should be ashamed that any representative of their athletic programs would use such a manipulative recruitment tactic,” said NCAA spokesperson Frieda Percy of longtime Notre Dame booster Arthur McAllen, who was accused of unethical practices after leaked emails revealed he promised highly sought-after football players that they could avoid all divine punishment for their earthly sins by committing to the prominent Catholic university. “These are high school kids, some of them come from difficult backgrounds, and to manipulate them by offering to wipe their sins clean is simply wrong. To offer them all the riches of God’s heavenly kingdom in exchange for a few seasons of football cheapens not only the recruitment process, but also the salvation process as well.” At press time, the scandal had deepend as several players revealed they had been offered a bounty in exchange for baptizing opposing players.
HIV Cured In Second Patient Ever #~# For the second time since the epidemic began, a patient with HIV has been cured through a bone marrow transplant, a breakthrough suggesting that eliminating the virus that causes AIDS may be possible. What do you think?
Scientists Pinpoint Part Of Brain All Your Hair Grows Out Of  #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—In a groundbreaking discovery they say will provide new insights into the complex functioning of the neural system, scientists at Brown University announced Thursday that, through the use of magnetic resonance imaging, they have successfully identified the part of the brain all your hair grows out of. “For centuries, medical science has struggled to understand hair—why humans produce it, what conditions result in certain colorations or cowlicks, and why some people experience thinning over time. Now, after extensive research, we’ve found the precise location of the brain where all human follicles grow from,” said lead neuroscientist Dr. Avi Samuel, confirming the long-debated hypothesis that patients who experience baldness may have underdeveloped prefrontal lobes or have suffered irreversible brain damage. “Initially, we had to admit that we had no idea where human hair came from. Of course, we firmly rejected the old superstition that hair grew forth from the soul, but we honestly couldn’t come up with a better explanation. But after months of scans, we can now confirm that at the onset of puberty, this fertile region of the human cerebrum kicks into overdrive, sprouting as much body hair as possible, and maintains this follicular capacity throughout the human lifespan.” The research study further suggests that memories may be stored in each individual strand of hair, providing yet another reason why it may be dangerous to attempt to cut your own hair.
Senate Has Votes To Overturn Trump Emergency Declaration #~# In a potential rebuke to executive overreach likely to face a presidential veto, the Senate will likely vote to overturn President Trump’s decision to declare an emergency in order to appropriate funds for a border wall. What do you think?
Tabloid Reveals Pete Davidson, Kate Beckinsale Only Dating As PR Stunt To Promote New York Rangers #~# NEW YORK—Scoring an inside scoop on the new celebrity couple, the tabloid website TMZ revealed Wednesday that Pete Davidson and Kate Beckinsale’s relationship is no more than a public-relations ploy orchestrated to raise the profile of the New York Rangers. “We’re in seventh place, the season’s winding down, and we need to do something to get people to pay attention to this team for the next month,” read a leaked email from Rangers publicist Kerry Stevens, who reportedly introduced the 25-year-old Saturday Night Live star and 45-year-old Pearl Harbor actress, convincing them to exchange long, deep kisses in order to foster fan interest. “With Pete and Kate on our team, we can show New Yorkers that no matter who’s winning, there’s still no better place to publicly make out with your date than right here by the ice in Madison Square Garden.” At press time, sources confirmed the Rangers’ five-game losing streak had prompted team officials to abandon the plan for all remaining home games and instead keep the Jumbotron camera continuously trained on a grimacing Christian Slater.
Michael Jackson Estate Questions Why Accusers Only Coming Forward Steadily Since Early 1990s #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that the timing of the allegations appeared to be “a little too perfect,” a lawyer representing Michael Jackson’s estate questioned Wednesday why those accusing the late pop icon of child sexual abuse had only come forward steadily since the early 1990s. “It seems awfully convenient that all these people suddenly decided to come out of the woodwork on a regular basis over the course of a quarter century,” said Jonathan Steinsapir, explaining that he also found it quite suspicious that some had chosen to make their accusations as grown men instead of doing so back in the ’90s like so many other children did. “This all seems like quite the coincidence to me. Are we to believe that one man with access to a private Peter Pan–themed ranch, a multimillion-dollar legal team, and a rabid fanbase willing to ignore his considerable eccentricities could just molest a bunch of kids without us finding out about more than a handful of them per year since 1992? That’s a bit far-fetched.” Steinsapir added that suspecting a grown man of sexual misconduct simply because he made a habit of inviting underage fans to sleepovers in which they shared his bed was unfair and “frankly just cynical.”
Man In Rental Car Spends 20 Minutes Trying To Find Steering Wheel #~# MIAMI—Struggling to adjust to the controls and interfaces of the unfamiliar vehicle, business traveler Sam Mancini confirmed Wednesday that he had spent the initial 20 minutes in his rented 2018 Mazda 3 attempting to locate the automobile’s steering wheel. “I don’t—okay, hold on. Is this the type you flip up or something? I’m lost when it comes to these newer models,” said Mancini, running his hands along the top of the dashboard for the third time while visually confirming that the steering wheel was not located in the center console, incorporated into the infotainment touchscreen, or concealed in a hidden compartment of the instrument panel. “I’ve heard that the latest cars pretty much drive themselves, but you’d think there would be some sort of steering wheel. I mean, yes, there’s a big round device in front of me, but it’s got all these buttons and switches and I’m not completely comfortable resting my hands on it.” At press time, Mancini had been on the phone with Enterprise customer service for an additional 20 minutes.
Pantone Intern Starstruck After Meeting Designer Behind Sand Dollar 13-1106 #~# CARLSTADT, NJ—Design house sources confirmed Wednesday that Miriam Morley, a 23-year-old intern at the Pantone color-matching and reproduction systems corporation, became utterly starstruck after meeting Holly Day-Jenkins, the designer behind Sand Dollar 13-1106. “I mean, I always knew there was a possibility she might come into the office, but now she’s here and I’m breathing her same air and my brain is just completely blank,” said Morley, who, despite thinking for years about what she would say if she ever met the creator of the 2006 Color of the Year, found herself almost too flustered to speak. “Believe me, I’m not usually the type who gets nervous around celebrities, but Day-Jenkins is the genius who created the warmest, richest, most perfect beige anyone has ever seen. I’ve followed her color matching since I was in high school, collecting all her sticker chips and swatches, even some of the obscure muted earth tones she did back in the late 1990s. To be in the presence of the legend who blessed us all with not just Sand Dollar, but also Cool Gray 7 C and the incomparable pink of 2563 C? It’s just too much to handle.” Morley, evidently overcome with happiness, was later seen crying as she described how Day-Jenkins’ Lavender Crystal 18-3530 had helped her get through a particularly low point in her life.
How GOP Leaders Go From Being #NeverTrump To Trump Supporters #~# Many top Republican elected officials, including Senators Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz, went from criticizing Donald Trump during the 2016 election to becoming some of the president’s staunchest supporters. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how many of Trump’s GOP detractors become his biggest cheerleaders.
Demonic Spirit Claws Way Out Of Hell To Flicker Lights, Throw Some Silverware Around #~# DANBURY, CT—Transported with dark joy to be finally engaging in a long-anticipated series of evil and chaotic deeds after fighting his way into the land of the living, the demonic spirit Amaymon, Prince of the Infernal Realm and Ninth Gatekeeper of the Underworld, clawed his way free from his eternal imprisonment in Hell this week in order to flicker the lights and toss some miscellaneous forks and spoons around a middle-class American household. “I have escaped all seven circles of Satan’s nether domain, each more cruel than the last, and now to mark my return in wicked triumph I shall make the dishes in the china cabinet rattle quite loudly and perhaps even slam a couple doors in unoccupied rooms,” said the chief lieutenant of Satan’s nine diabolical legions, reveling in his ruthless cunning by summoning the full power of Hell to slowly draw a faint dusty circle on the living room floor of a late 1970s bungalow. “Shattering the fiery portal separating this world from the starless and bloody world below was an excruciating ordeal, but in doing so, I gained an unclean and hideous strength—a tainted might I shall now employ to tip over a vase, possibly even one containing flowers, or to ruffle the curtains of a closed window. Perhaps, when my true power can be marshaled, I shall snuff out several candles.” At press time, the herald of chaos was exercising his vile euphoria by repositioning the arms and legs of an old porcelain doll.
Report Finds Child Poverty Could Be Cut In Half In Just 10 Years With Significant Investment #~# A report from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine found that a yearly investment of $90 billion could cut the child poverty rate in half while adding hundreds of billions to the economy. What do you think?
PlayStation Vita Officially Dead #~# Sony officially announced that it was ending production of the PlayStation Vita, although games are still under production for the 8-year-old handheld console. What do you think?
Steven Spielberg Criticizes Netflix For Ruining Golden Age Of Pandering Big-Budget Corporate Films #~# LOS ANGELES—Arguing that the streaming service has severely hamstrung the ability of directors to create saccharine, artistically meritless garbage, Steven Spielberg criticized Netflix Tuesday for ruining the golden age of pandering big-budget films produced by media conglomerates. “We were living in a wonderful era of insipid franchise-driven blockbusters when, suddenly, Netflix comes along and screws everything up by giving a platform to underrepresented directors and helping connect audiences across the globe to risk-taking, idiosyncratic films that would never be made by a major studio,” said the director of Ready Player One and Jurassic Park, blasting the streaming service for sabotaging the halcyon days of lowest-common-denominator cinema that gave viewers absolutely no credit and merely indulged their basest instincts. “They should be ashamed. They’ve single-handedly put an end to dull, inoffensive films that privilege melodrama and spectacle over substance, not to mention the fact that they’ve eroded the influence of executives who only care about producing movies that make as much money as possible. There were so many great artists, myself included, who sold out decades ago and, as a result, no longer have the ability to make a movie as resonant as, say, Roma. What will happen to us?” At press time, Steven Spielberg quickly retracted all of his comments and began praising Netflix after the company offered him a multimillion-dollar, two-picture deal.
John Hickenlooper Announces Support For Nuking Australia Just To See If Anyone Paying Attention #~# DENVER—Kicking off his campaign with a promise to order the U.S. military to wipe the sovereign nation off the face of the Earth, presidential candidate John Hickenlooper announced Tuesday his support for using nuclear weapons against Australia just to see if anyone was listening to him. “That’s right—did you hear that? If elected president, I will use our massive thermonuclear arsenal to unrelentingly bombard Australia until it is reduced to a smoking crater,” the former Colorado governor said in a bold effort to gauge whether his candidacy was anywhere close to garnering the kind of media coverage necessary to gain traction in the race for the Democratic nomination. “Let me be perfectly clear: My very first act upon taking the oath of office will be to launch a preemptive and wholly unilateral strike against Australia, employing enough weapons of mass destruction to kill all 25 million of the country’s inhabitants and render the entire continent a toxic, permanently uninhabitable wasteland for thousands of years to come. That’s a promise. Are you all getting this?” Reached for comment, Hickenlooper stated that if his current strategy failed to boost his name recognition in the polls, he would also be willing to endorse government-mandated Bible burnings and legalized pedophilia.
‘Game Of Thrones’ Creators Frantically Re-Shoot Finale To Make Peter Dinklage Death Seem Intentional #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to create the illusion that the horrific decapitation was deliberate, Game Of Thrones producers were frantically re-shooting the series finale Tuesday to make Peter Dinklage’s death seem intentional. “Christ, okay, shit, maybe we can get some B-roll footage to establish a visual explanation for Peter’s head being chopped off by that piece of lighting equipment that came loose and plummeted to the ground,” said executive producer David Benioff, scrambling to set up a shot with a character wielding a bloody axe to justify why Dinklage was headless on the floor. “Come on, people, we don’t have much time here. Let’s get some makeup on Peter’s face to fix that discolored skin. Clean up that blood, but save it, don’t throw it out, that stuff looks pretty realistic on camera. Alright, tape Peter’s head back on and let’s nail this scene.” At press time, the producers were thrilled after the hyper-realistic final beheading scene turned out even better than what was originally in the script.
Divorced Man Doesn’t Even Recognize Smiling, Happy Family In Photo That Came With Frame #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Realizing that the black-and-white family photo on his bedside table seems like a scene from someone else’s life, puzzled divorcé David Reed admitted Tuesday that he didn’t even recognize the smiling, happy people in the picture that came with the frame. “My God, it’s like I don’t even know who these people are,” said the father of three, staring at the blandly beautiful family of four portrayed in the 5-by-7-inch picture frame originally purchased from Bed Bath & Beyond. “Whose life am I living? I mean, look at them. Who even are they? These kids, not a care. And her—she’s so beautiful. She’s so happy. She’s almost a stranger. But you know who the real stranger here is? Me.” A despondent Reed then reportedly threw the frame into the mirror over his dresser and, upon seeing his own unrecognizable face staring back at him from a hundred splintered reflections, dropped to his knees and wept uncontrollably.
Orioles Creeped Out By Fan Who Followed Them To Spring Training #~# SARASOTA, FL—Nervously watching as the suspicious man cheered on the team, the Baltimore Orioles told reporters Tuesday that they were creeped out by a fan who actually followed the ballclub to spring training. “This weirdo in an Orioles jacket has been hanging out around the facilities all week. Did this guy seriously bother to follow us all the way down here?” said first baseman Chris Davis, who claimed the whole team has been unnerved by the idea that some disturbed loner spent hundreds of dollars on travel and accommodations just to watch them play a few meaningless pre-season games. “He’s been here every day just sitting up in the stands. He even brought binoculars so he can watch the players warming up and doing drills on the other side of the field. What kind of creep does that? I hope he didn’t come all the way from Baltimore—this wouldn’t even be worth it if he lived in Florida.” At press time, the Orioles had requested security to remove the fan after he asked if there was any Orioles merchandise available for purchase.
Woman Adopts Second Cat For First One To Terrorize While She At Work #~# BLUE BELL, PA—Saying it would be nice for her cat Joplin to have some company during the day, realtor Christie Marie Wolfe, 34, adopted a second cat Tuesday for Joplin to terrorize while she is at work. “I hate to leave the poor guy alone all day, so I figured it’d be nice for him to have a companion cat to stalk across the dining room and corner in the pantry,” said Wolfe, whose busy schedule means she often leaves Joplin at home to shred his toys and the household furniture. “I feel better knowing that, while I’m out at the gym or hanging with friends, Joplin has someone to intimidate and bully. I can’t wait to come home and find him hissing and relentlessly swatting at his new little buddy.” At press time, Wolfe had taken to social media to post videos of “the new fuzzball” cringing motionless beneath her couch.
Income Inequality At Highest Point Since Before Great Depression #~# U.S. wealth inequality is at its worst point since the 1920s, a new study found, although some experts suggest this change is largely temporary and dependent on a current stock market bubble. What do you think?
God Purges Millions Of Souls From Heaven Now That Sexual Assault Being Taken More Seriously #~# THE HEAVENS—Attempting to do His part in holding abusers accountable amid the rise of the #MeToo movement, God, our heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He would supervise the purging of millions of souls from Heaven now that sexual assault was being taken far more seriously. “I had definitely heard many rumors, but until recently, I did not believe it was my place to get involved. Now, with everyone being more vocal about sexual misconduct, I feel that to simply do nothing would make Me complicit,” said the omnipotent and omniscient Creator in His first-ever public statement on the subject, explaining that He had met with Saint Peter to begin the process of combing through the Book of Souls and removing the names of those who had been found guilty of sexual assault or harassment at any point during their time on Earth or in Heaven. “I’ll admit it has taken Me a very, very long time to realize how serious an issue this is. But now that I’ve been made to see the truth and the light, there’s no going back. Even if the alleged incident took place years and years ago, we must do everything we can to strongly condemn such behavior. I mean, now that I think about it, what Ruth went through with Boaz’ foreman? Kinda creepy. Never should have let that one slide.” At press time, God announced plans to grant amnesty to the sexual abuse victims he had sentenced to an eternity in Hell.
2020 Democratic Hopefuls Support Marijuana Legalization #~# Many 2020 Democratic frontrunners—including Cory Booker, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Kirsten Gillibrand, and Kamala Harris—have supported the Marijuana Justice Act, which seeks to make pot legal at the federal level, signaling a strong majority among Democrats for decriminalizing the substance. What do you think?
Sexist Media Keeps Only Referring To Woman As ‘Bride Of ISIS Soldier’ #~# NEW YORK—Decrying the label as “shamelessly sexist,” media watchdog Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting issued a statement Monday condemning the American press for only referring to Alabama-born jihadist Hoda Muthana as “bride of ISIS soldier.” “Ms. Muthana is an accomplished ISIS member in her own right, having joined one of the top terrorist organizations in the world at the age of only 20,” said FAIR spokesperson Keith Finneran, explaining how terms like “ISIS bride” and “wife of ISIS soldier,” routinely used to refer to Muthana in news headlines, are derogatory in that they credit the woman’s hard-won contributions to the war on infidels to her husband. “To be identified simply by her role as a bride is disrespectful and does a great disservice to all she has achieved for the caliphate. You wouldn’t call a man ‘husband of ISIS fighter,’ would you? So show Ms. Muthana the same consideration.” Finneran clarified that you shouldn’t refer to Muthana as a “female terrorist” either, because the countless hours she’s allegedly spent online calling for the death of Americans makes her just as much of a terrorist as anyone else.
Grandmother Really Starting To Get The Hang Of Dying #~# HAVERHILL, MA—Expressing happiness that their matriarch had finally “gotten into the swing of things,” the family of grandmother Ellen Haan confirmed Monday that the 87-year-old had really started to get the hang of dying in recent weeks. “Nana’s just recently come to grips with this whole diminishing-into-nothingness deal, and one of the things we all love about her is that once she decides to do something, by God she’s going to do it right,” said Haan’s grandson Mark Conroy, noting that although the octogenarian had initially struggled with the finer points of departing forever from this earth, she seems to have really hit her stride since Christmas. “Her big turning point came just after Thanksgiving when she began suffering cascading organ failures. Since then, there’s been no stopping her. I have to admit she makes shuffling off this mortal coil look easy. The whole family is very impressed.” Haan is expected to perfect her skills at dying sometime early next week.
New Parents Disgusted To Learn They Had Type Of Baby That Shits #~# SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Terrified that their greatest fear has become a disgusting reality, new parents Melanie and Abe Bloom confirmed Monday that their newborn son Levi is, in fact, the type of baby who shits. “We had hoped that Levi would have a recessive shitting gene, and when that turned out not to be the case, we thought perhaps his incessant shitting was a birth trauma thing that would subside after the first three weeks, but no matter what we do, he simply won’t stop. It’s horrible,” said the infant’s mother, adding that their son’s virtual fecal hose runs at full volume regardless of whether he breastfeeds or takes formula, even when the child is just napping. “I guess I’m not completely surprised, considering we waited so long to have children, but for us, adapting to a baby who shits has been an ordeal. I’m told that plenty of people who shat constantly and uncontrollably as children have grown up to lead perfectly normal lives, but given where we’re at right now, I don’t know. Levi’s father shits, too, so we assume that’s where he gets it from, but I’ve made appointments with a number of pediatric specialists because this is just really gross.” At press time, the couple was trying to conceive again in order to have a normal baby.
Methodist Church Votes To Ban Same-Sex Marriages And Clergy #~# In a move that has split members between traditionalist and progressive factions, the United Methodist Church worldwide conference voted this week to ban gay and lesbian clerics and the officiating of same-sex marriages, saying such inclusions defy the word of God. What do you think?
Painted-Over Spot On Public Bathroom Wall Must Conceal Some Really Fucked-Up Graffiti #~# ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Restroom attendee Sean O’Donnell recoiled internally Monday while regarding the painted-over portion of the PATH train bathroom wall where he could only assume some truly egregious and revolting graffiti had been written. “Stuff like, ‘Kimmy S sucked my cock’ and ‘Die all cops’ is still plainly visible in this stall. It makes you wonder what kind of deranged shit they decided to cover up,” said O’Donnell, speculating that the most vile and hateful slurs imaginable were once scrawled on the wall for all the world to see. “Jesus Christ, there’s still a ton of crudely drawn genitals, the word ‘faggot,’ and a couple swastikas. Most of the graffiti in here is pretty damn unsettling—I can only imagine that whatever they got rid of was fucked up beyond belief.” O’Donnell refused to speculate what horrifying imagery might be beneath the spots of the wall covered in blood, excrement, and urine.
Israeli Prime Minister Indicted On Charges Of Bribery, Fraud #~# Weeks away from a general election, Israel’s attorney general announced that it intends to indict Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on charges of bribery, fraud, and breach of trust, potentially jeopardizing his fourth term. What do you think?
Lady Gaga Quashes Rumors That She Ever Thought Bradley Cooper Talented In Any Way #~# NEW YORK—Addressing the speculation that has circulated on social media since Sunday’s Academy Awards broadcast, Lady Gaga made an announcement this week to quash any rumors that she ever thought Bradley Cooper was talented in any way. “A lot of gossip has been floating around about the two of us, so let me assure you that not once have I ever felt that Bradley Cooper possessed any real skills or anything resembling artistic merit,” said the Oscar-winning songwriter, noting that if she conveyed any sign of respect toward the man who directed and appeared with her in the film A Star Is Born, she was simply doing her job as an actor. “The only reason people think I have a high regard for his craft is because, as performers, that’s what we want you to think. In reality, I don’t feel that way about him at all, and I hope this puts an end to any theories out there that I have ever considered Bradley to be anything more than a complete and utter hack.” When reached for comment, Bradley Cooper told reporters that he is a huge fan of Lady Gaga, has been a huge fan of Lady Gaga since the first time he ever saw her, and would leave his partner and child to commit himself completely to Lady Gaga and her career if she would only say the word.
Michael Jackson Estate Releases New Documentary Alleging King Of Pop Gets Lifetime Pass For ‘Thriller’ #~# LOS ANGELES—In response to a film featuring two men who say that the singer sexually abused them as children, the estate of Michael Jackson released a new documentary Friday alleging that the King of Pop gets a lifetime pass for Thriller. “The claim we lay out in our documentary is that whatever bad things that pop icon Michael Jackson has done, they should be swept under the rug for writing ‘Billie Jean’ and ‘Beat It,’” read a statement by the estate accompanying the debut of the Sony-produced documentary, Don’t Be Startin’ Somethin’ adding that they hoped the film would expose the truth that the artistic achievements of the 33-time platinum album should “more than cancel out” any indiscretions Jackson committed after its 1982 release. “Whether he drugged and molested children simply doesn’t matter when you consider how Jackson changed the game with those dance moves in the video for ‘Billie Jean,’ and these allegations simply ignore the complexity of the album’s assertive, dynamic musical production coupled with its introspective lyrics. We hope that our documentary will finally give fans of Jackson’s work the chance to reflect on how mind-blowingly innovative his music was and how whatever else he did just doesn’t matter.” The Jackson estate refused to respond to criticisms that the documentary was trying to whitewash the singer’s past by leaving out any mention of Thriller’s first single, “The Girl Is Mine.”
Ecologists Urge Birds To Avert Global Decline Of Insects By Adopting Seed-Based Diet #~# ITHACA, NY—In an effort to preserve a critical component of the global ecosystem, ecology experts urged the planet’s birds Friday to help avert the rapid, worldwide decline of insects by adopting a seed-based diet. “It is absolutely vital that bird populations wean themselves off of insects in favor of more sustainable options,” said researcher Marcus Drysdale, who has worked at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology to develop seed-based avian diets that are high in protein and include options reasonably similar in taste to beetles and grubs. “If these birds don’t change their lifestyle, we could soon have a disaster on our hands. Even if they can’t completely excise bugs from their diet, they at least need to cut down their intake to one or two servings of earwig per week. I realize they’re not all going to become strict granivores overnight, but they can still reduce their overall larvae consumption in the short-term.” Drysdale added the he and his colleagues have launched an “Insectless Sunday” campaign in an attempt to raise awareness in the bird community. 
Party Guest Figures Bedroom Dresser Probably Where Host Wants Everyone To Leave Empty Cans #~# NEW YORK—After briefly considering surfaces such as the nightstand, the bookshelf, the toilet tank, and the top of the refrigerator, party guest Ryan Brown decided Friday that the bedroom dresser was probably where the host wanted everyone to leave their empty beer cans. “Someone just left a PBR on the floor—rude—but I’m pretty confident [party organizer] Natalie meant for them to be up here, between a framed photo of her nephew and a lamp,” said Brown, adding that she would most likely want attendees to crush the cans beforehand, allowing residual amounts of liquid to spill out and dry on the wood surface. “Obviously, we’re supposed to pour the dregs of our beverages into this potted plant, but where would she prefer I put any pull tabs that separated from their cans? Logically, also on the dresser. I left a collection of them in her kitchen sink last time, but I was pretty drunk. Common sense says she’d want them right here on the cherry chest of drawers.” Brown eventually noticed a collection of various drink containers piling up in a difficult-to-reach area behind the couch and was inspired to drop his empty can there.
NASA Frantically Announces Mission To Earth’s Core After Accidentally Launching Rocket Upside Down #~# HOUSTON—Rushing into a press conference mere minutes after lift-off, NASA officials frantically announced a mission to the Earth’s core Friday after accidentally launching a Atlas V rocket upside down. “Today, I’m excited to announce that we’ve successfully launched—let’s see. Well, I guess we’ll just call this the first-ever manned mission to explore this planet’s core,” said sweat-covered and visibly panicked NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine, who paused momentarily to put up a crudely drawn diagram labeled “Core Shot 2020” depicting the rocket burrowing through the planet’s crust towards its 10,000-degree-Fahrenheit inner core. “Thanks to the ship’s powerful boosters and its pointed tip, we anticipate the rocket might conceivably break through the Earth’s mantle and reach its destination within the year. I also cannot stress enough the bravery of the two astronauts inside the rocket, who are presumably okay with all of this. You know, some might even say a NASA expedition to the Earth’s core was long overdue.” At press time, NASA officials expressed hope that the rocket would exit the other side of the Earth and proceed on its previously planned mission to restock the International Space Station by 2021.
Breakdancing Being Considered For 2024 Olympics #~# Olympic organizers in Paris have requested that breakdancing become a new competition in the summer of 2024, though the International Olympics Committee will ultimately be responsible for making a final determination. What do you think?
A History Of Weezer #~# Weezer will release its 13th studio album, the self-titled “Black Album,” on March 1, continuing a 25-year career that has had its share of ups and downs. The Onion looks back at the history of Weezer.
Experts Praise Upcoming ‘Sonic’ Movie For Accurate Depiction Of Hedgehogs #~# CHAMPAIGN, IL—Animal experts praised the upcoming animated film Sonic: The Hedgehog Tuesday for its accurate depiction of hedgehogs, noting that most media representations leave out the creature’s tendency to roll up into a fast-moving blue ball to attack enemy combatants. “Most of the hedgehogs we see in film and TV are portrayed as timid, antisocial creatures, which completely glosses over both the frequent smoke trails they leave in their lightning-fast wake and their daily ritual of battling their natural enemy, the nefarious mad scientist,” said University of Illinois zoologist Dr. Krista Keller, adding that the 6-inch woodland dweller Americans typically see only exists on the silver screen, while the common hedgehog is approximately 3 feet tall, stands on two sneaker-clad feet, and zooms through city streets to save our planet from sure destruction. “The creators of Sonic really did their homework by exploring the life of our glowing, neon-blue little friends that arrived from Mobius with such precision and care. This is exciting, too, because the quiet, plodding hedgehog you’re familiar with pales in comparison to the real ones I work with as a veterinary professor. I’m much more accustomed to observing hedgehogs that crackle with electricity and run up the side of skyscrapers and jump off buildings to escape the dreaded Dr. Robotnik, all the while tossing out clever quips in plain English.” Dr. Keller added that the film, unfortunately, appears to present yet another unrealistic depiction of James Marsden.
Walgreens Unveils New Line Of Shrink-Wrapped Sandwiches To Grab When Something Has Gone Horribly, Horribly Wrong #~# CHICAGO—Catering to a segment of the population chronically underserved by man and God alike, Walgreens unveiled a new line of shrink-wrapped sandwiches Tuesday for the doomed, afflicted, and beleaguered to purchase in times when things have gone horribly, horribly wrong. “These inexpensive, tightly shrink-wrapped, alternately soggy or dried-out sandwiches are ideal for those whose lives have taken a sudden and unimaginably tragic turn,” said Walgreens CEO Stefano Pessina, who noted his company’s colorless sandwiches would come in a variety of nearly anonymous dreary flavors such as “turkey with warm iceberg lettuce” and “ham with semi-solid cheese” and that all sandwiches would be packaged with a limp pickle spear, one unlabeled packet of an extremely pale yellow condiment, and a vague sense of futility. “Whether you’re eating one on the go while heading to a miserable job, avoiding several outstanding warrants for failure to pay child support, or just don’t value yourself very highly, our sandwiches are slapped together in a way that’s guaranteed to make you wonder exactly why your body needs to continue on. Has everyone you once cared about now abandoned you? Are you down to your last $3 in loose change? Walgreens now has the perfect egg salad sandwich or plain hot dog to accompany speculation at exactly how low rock bottom can go. And if you’re at the end of the line, but you’re still not sure you want to step over it, why not think that over while forcing down a crumbling meatball sub from the room-temperature cooler we put across from the generic cough medicine and foot powder? Hell, grab a nice warm yogurt, too. You’re worth it.” Pessina also noted that Walgreens had won the legal battle to call its shrink-wrapped raw fish meals “sushi,” but recommended that customers refrain from eating them until they were fully committed to killing themselves.
ISIS Releases Video Of Leader Al-Baghdadi #~# The Islamic State released a video message purporting to come from its leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, in what would be his first appearance in five years. What do you think?
Unbeatable ‘Jeopardy!’ Champ Says Key To Success Is Threatening Other Contestants With Nail-Studded Baseball Bat During Commercials #~# CULVER CITY, CA—Revealing the secret behind his lucrative run on the TV game show, unbeatable Jeopardy! champion James Holzhauer told reporters Tuesday that the key to his success was threatening other contestants with a nail-studded baseball bat during commercial breaks. “My approach is pretty simple: I wait until a few seconds before a new round starts, get the other players’ attention, and tell them I’ll bash in their goddamn skulls if I don’t win,” said Holzhauer, 34, who explained that he had managed to win over $1 million in only 15 games by gripping the bat tightly, taking a few swings near the heads of the other contestants, and stowing the bat behind his podium before taping restarted to emphasize that a potential beating was only moments away. “It’s really all about timing. You have to menace them with the nail-studded baseball bat before each and every round so they’re absolutely terrified to buzz in before you do. You also have to remember that the clock’s ticking and you only have a couple minutes of ads to warn the other players that you’ll cave their fucking faces in and splatter their brains all over the set if they cross you. It’s really less about knowing a lot of trivia, although that’s definitely important, than it is to be able to really hone in on how you’ll bludgeon them to a bloody pulp before attacking any of their loved ones in the studio audience if you lose.” Holzhauer added that he believed his strategy to be more effective than that of fellow Jeopardy! legend Ken Jennings, who has said the key to his success was holding a gun to his head before the Final Jeopardy! round and threatening to blow his brains out if he didn’t win.
A Guide To The Best Weapons In ‘FIFA 19’ #~# Selecting the right weapon can be the difference between winning or losing a match in FIFA. Onion Gamers Network examines the most powerful and effective instruments of destruction in the latest version of the Electronic Arts’ soccer-simulation game.
Kobe Bryant Confident He Could Still Berate Teammates For 20 Minutes A Night #~# LOS ANGELES—Asserting that he’d be able to contribute quality scowls and derision to a championship contender, Lakers great Kobe Bryant expressed confidence Tuesday that he could still berate teammates for 20 minutes a night. “I might not be able to intimidate guys at an MVP level anymore, but I could definitely come off the bench as a sixth man and easily throw out 10 or 15 insults every game,” said Bryant, who conceded that his reduced stamina would require him to be more strategic about how he would whittle away at his teammates’ confidence. “When I see guys like LeBron and CP3 out there browbeating people well into their 30s, I know that I could still play the victim in crunch time. Sure, maybe my barbs have lost some of their sharpness, but I still doubt there is anyone in the NBA who can scold at crunch time like I can.” At press time, Bryant challenged several current players on social media by posting a video of himself dunking on his personal trainer while scolding him for “playing defense like a little bitch.”
‘Fortnite’ Players Up In Arms Over New Map Addition After Discovering Its Deli Counter Only Features 2 Types Of Salami #~# Fortnite’s latest update brought some major changes to the battle royale sensation this week. But while most of the overhauls and new content in the patch were welcomed, many players are slamming a new map location after finding out the deli counter only has two types of salami.
Taylor Swift Debuts New Single #~# Pop star Taylor Swift debuted “ME!” a new duet with Brendon Urie from Panic! At the Disco likely to tease an upcoming album. What do you think?
Trump Resigns From Presidents Local 150 In Protest Of Unions #~# WASHINGTON—Criticizing leaders of the organized labor movement for supporting Democrats and for the treatment of their members, Donald Trump announced Monday that he was resigning from the United President Workers Local 150 in protest of unions. “Today I informed the Washington, D.C. chapter of the UPW that I will no longer be part of a union that doesn’t truly stand up for the material conditions of its workers,” said Trump, ripping up his union card and becoming the first president to quit the union since it was formed by President Franklin D. Roosevelt in 1935. “Unions may have once served the interests of the working-class American presidents who make up its 71 chapters nationwide, but those days are long gone. I appreciate the benefits I’ve received through the UPW, like reduced prescription costs and discount Costco membership. I will also miss my healthcare, but I’m tired of paying exorbitant dues to the fat cats in union leadership. I’ve been a proud member of the UPW for years; however, it’s clear that workers stand to benefit more without union bureaucrats getting in the way.” At press time, former presidents and UPW members Barack Obama, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, and Jimmy Carter had released a joint statement urging the nation not to work with any president who’s a scab.
‘Avengers: Endgame’ Shatters Box Office Records #~# Analysis suggests that Avengers: Endgame, the action-packed culmination of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, may rake in as much as $1 billion in box office sales after a record-breaking opening weekend. What do you think?
Shitty Region Of Country Figures It Might As Well Give Producing Wine A Shot #~# LAWRENCE, KS—Reasoning that they don’t really have anything else going for them in the increasingly automated post-industrial era of large-scale staple farming, the shittier regions of the country decided this week that they might as well give producing wine a shot. “At this point, maybe we should just see if we could get some grapes to grow here, spend the rainy-day money on a couple tanks of sulfites, and see how we do with fermenting wine,” said the residents of eastern Kansas, as well as those of central Ohio, northern Michigan, western Pennsylvania, and most of Nebraska, Wyoming, and Texas, noting that all that open land would look pleasant covered in vines, if you were on some type of tour where people could drink different whites and maybe see some horses or something. “We have all this space that’s just sitting here. How hard could winemaking possibly be? And it’s not like most people can tell the difference between good and bad stuff. If we just put “Sonoma Of The Plains” on the label, I bet folks would come from all over to try the different varieties or flavors or whatever they call them. We could even make little punch cards.” The plan reportedly stalled when other residents of the shitty regions reminded them that even bad wine takes years to make and that, pound for pound, methamphetamines are still a far more lucrative investment.
Enes Kanter Grateful To Escape From Oppressive, Failing Dictatorship In New York #~# PORTLAND, OR—Admitting it was difficult to watch his once-vibrant home fall into complete disarray, Portland Trail Blazers center Enes Kanter confirmed Monday that he was grateful to have escaped the oppressive, failing dictatorship in New York. “It’s disastrous—the leaders are full-on autocrats and there is so little hope left, it’s difficult to see how many people are suffering,” said Kanter, noting his former oppressors at Madison Square Garden were fanatics with no sense of duty to the people they serve, who waste millions of vanity projects to boost their ego while everything crumbles around them. “They just want to hold on to all of the money and power that they can. Unless there is some sort of regime change, things will only continue descending into chaos and despair. I was extremely lucky to get out of that situation—and I know many others who want to get out as well. My heart aches for them, and I pray for the day the people responsible for this suffering will be brought to justice.” At press time, Kanter urged talented young players worldwide to immediately seek asylum lest they be forcibly conscripted by the tyrannical organization in the June draft.
‘New York Times’ Apologizes For Running Anti-Semitic Comic Strip ‘Shylock The Shyster’ For Past 37 Years #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that it regrets the oversight, The New York Times apologized Monday for its decision to run the anti-Semitic comic strip Shylock The Shyster for the past 37 years. “We are deeply sorry for printing this strip on a continuous basis in more than 13,000 editions of our paper published since 1982,” read a statement from the news organization, which added that at a time when anti-Semitism is on the rise, a comic that follows the adventures of a hook-nosed, droopy-eyed Jew who frequently engages in usury and conspires to promulgate a worldwide Jewish order is not only insensitive, but also dangerous. “We are currently evaluating our editorial processes to determine how we spent nearly four decades giving a prominent place on our opinion page to images of a kvetching, greedy Jew who kills Christian children and uses their blood to bake matzo, and we anticipate making significant changes to prevent such occurrences in the future. The matter remains under internal review, and we are committed to investigating the decision to disseminate materials that depict the violin-playing Shylock conspiring to murder Jesus with his friends, Shlomo the Money Man and Rebecca the Beautiful Jewess, before he goes on to seize control of the world’s media and financial industries.” When reached for comment, officials at The New York Times confirmed that, at present, they have no plans to end the 17-year run of their other opinion-page comic strip, Fun Times With Muhammad.
‘Game Of Thrones’ Actors Reveal Reading Script For Zombie Battle And Realizing They Wasted Careers #~# NEW YORK—Discussing their astonishment mere hours after the premiere of the highly anticipated episode, Game Of Thrones actors told reporters Monday about the moment they read the script for the zombie battle in “The Long Night” and realized they had definitively wasted their careers. “Right away, when I finished the script, I felt this sense of immense loss at throwing away the prime of my life performing in a make-believe world of CGI dragons and giants,” said series regular Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, who described feeling stunned when discovering that he had squandered day after day of his precious existence freezing his ass off in Belfast-based shoots just to play a mediocre role in an emotionally incoherent series that had stretched on for years too long. “I’ll never forget when [showrunner] David Benioff sat me down and told me the fate of the Night King and I thought: Who gives a flying fuck? What am I still doing on this show? Jesus Christ, I actually cried.” At press time, several cast members told interviewers about having their breath taken away after learning their characters survived the battle and that they still had to film three more episodes of this goddamn thing.
Hollywood Analysts Still Not Sure How ‘Saving Silverman’ Broke Box Office Records Last Weekend #~# LOS ANGELES—Admitting they were confounded by the huge numbers being put up by the 2001 feature starring Jason Biggs, Steve Zahn, and Jack Black, top film industry analysts told reporters Monday they had yet to determine how Saving Silverman managed to break numerous box office records over the weekend. “As far as we know, this movie doesn’t really have much of a cult following, so it’s kind of weird that it was showing on enough screens to take in $400 million domestically during a span of three days,” said box office forecaster Errol Kaucher, who reached out to several of the 5,000 theaters screening the film in an effort to determine how they all independently decided to run the nearly two-decade-old buddy comedy, reportedly without even consulting each other. “To be clear, this isn’t a remake. It’s the original movie. Everyone’s money was on Avengers: Endgame taking it all last weekend, but somehow Saving Silverman came along and blew it out of the water. [Director] Dennis Dugan has had box office success before with Grown Ups, but we really didn’t think he was capable of anything like this. We did have an early indication something was up after hearing about sold-out theaters in the select cities that got a sneak-peak of Saving Silverman on Thursday. Still, this pretty much came out of nowhere.” At press time, analysts confirmed they were again confounded after learning Saving Silverman had resonated deeply with Chinese audiences and grossed an additional $1 billion overseas. 
We Interview Shigeru Miyamoto About How Watching A Giant Ape Beat His Father To Death With A Barrel Inspired ‘Donkey Kong’ #~# Shigeru Miyamoto is a titan of the video game industry known around the world for bringing the Super Mario and Legend Of Zelda franchises to life. We sat down with the legendary game director, designer, and producer for a revealing interview where he opened up to us about how the Donkey Kong game series drew its inspiration from a childhood experience of watching a giant ape beat his father to death with a barrel.
Elderly Mother At That Age Where Even Just One Fall Over Niagara Could Be Fatal #~# BUFFALO, NY—No longer the spry daredevil she was when she was younger, beloved grandmother Lydia McNeese, 87, has reached that age where even just one trip over Niagara Falls could be fatal. “She’s getting to that point that all women reach, if they’re lucky, where she simply can’t handle a 170-foot plunge down a waterfall,” said McNeese’s daughter Samantha McNeese-Tyler, noting that her mother scolded her for condescension when she suggested that the octogenarian consider a protective barrel. “You know how it is, though—no matter how much you tell your mother to hold onto the railings, she still insists on kayaking across. We keep trying to explain that one little 12-story drop onto the sharp rocks below and she might be gone forever, but she’s stubborn. Which is frustrating. I mean, she knows that’s how grandpa went.” At press time, the elder McNeese was insisting she did not need to see a doctor despite potentially spraining her ankle on her daily walk after becoming entangled in her tightrope. 
Preview: ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Will Explore Ellie’s Character Growth As She Focuses On Self-Care By Hiking And Taking A Pottery Class After Realizing She Can’t Control The Infected Around Her #~# A clicker leaps across a pile of bricks and rubble as the pounding rain blacks out the world beyond a narrow alley. A man crawls away in terror, slowly approaching the camera. As he calls for help, his hand presses against a window, blood smearing as he begs for someone to do something. We move back through the glass and into the apartment, and suddenly the blinds are drawn down, a candle is lit, and a worn copy of To Kill A Mockingbird appears in front of us. That’s when we see Ellie’s face for the first time. I’m prompted to “Tap X to turn the page,” as she sips a cup of tea and sinks into her couch. As the man screams and pounds on the glass with increasing desperation, I’m tempted to get up and help, but I already know one wrong move could destroy Ellie’s wellness meter and send her tumbling into a negativity spiral, so I hold back. These are the first five minutes of my short hands-on with The Last Of Us Part II, and I’m already hungry for more.
After Decades As A Print-Only Publication, Onion Gamers Network Has Decided That The Internet Is The Future Of Video Game Journalism #~# Since our founding in 1947—years before the creation of video games—the Onion Gamers Network has remained at the forefront of interactive entertainment. In fact, our founder, Otto Helmut Zweibel, was originally ridiculed as a madman and fool for believing humanity would one day control miniature men using their television screens. Yet today, gaming has blossomed into America’s fastest-growing cottage industry, and OGN continues to report on the field’s bleeding edge. In line with that, today we are proud to announce that we will act on our steadfast belief that the internet is the future of video game journalism by bringing our unparalleled blend of reviews, game guides, and exclusive sneak peeks to the realm of cyberspace.
Melting Permafrost To Have $70 Trillion Impact, Study Finds #~# Without greater action to prevent global warming, melting arctic permafrost could cause $70 trillion in economic damages between now and 2300, according to a study published in Nature Communications. What do you think?
Panic Rapidly Setting In As Man Realizes He Has No Plan For Ripe Avocado #~# BRENTWOOD, TN—Growing increasingly worked up over his lack of foresight, local man Alexander Diggs began to experience severe panic after realizing he had no plans for the ripe avocado on his kitchen counter, sources indicated Friday. “Oh God, no, no, no, please—I just picked this up yesterday, and it’s already going soft—what the hell am I supposed to do?” said Diggs, who reportedly was gripped with a sense of terror and uncertainty upon realizing the perishable good would soon expire and he didn’t have a single salad, brunch, or dinner recipe in mind. “Think, dammit. Surely, I can put it to some kind of use. Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t even have a piece of bread to scrape it on. Why did I buy this thing? Fuck, fuck, fuck!” At press time, reports confirmed Diggs had decided to bury the avocado deep in his kitchen wastebasket beneath a layer of paper towels.
Measles Roars Back At Record Pace #~# Owing to a lack of vaccinations and a rise in misinformation, the nationwide measles outbreak has soared to include 695 reported cases this year, the highest rate since the disease was declared eliminated in 2000. What do you think?
Facebook Users Morbidly Curious What Site Going To Do With Their Personal Data To Recoup $5 Billion Fine #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Wondering how the social media giant will unethically exploit their personal data next, Facebook users conceded Friday they are morbidly curious to see what the company does to them in order to recoup its losses following a $5 billion Federal Trade Commission fine. “I know I’m probably not gonna like it, but I have this deep, dark desire to know what kind of fucked-up shit they’ll do to violate our privacy this time,” said Cleveland-area Facebook user Lisa Wincheck, explaining that while it’s hard to imagine the social network doing anything worse than it already has, its history suggests it will once again produce a nefarious, probably illegal new way to monetize the intimate details of people’s lives. “They’re already tracking my location, reading habits, and online shopping history, so it’s not difficult to imagine them selling all that information on the dark web to the highest bidder. Or maybe they’ll just flat-out scan all the data on my computer’s hard drive and peddle it to marketing firms. Who knows? But at the end of the day, Mark Zuckerberg always comes up with some really disturbing and underhanded way to sell us all out, and I admit I can’t wait to see how he pulls this off.” At press time, Facebook engineers had reportedly developed a new software tool that records the memories, hopes, and dreams of all 2.38 billion of its monthly users.
Prison Returns Bag Of Semi-Automatic Guns, Hit List To Coast Guard Terror Suspect At Release #~# GREENBELT, MD—In an effort to ensure that all personal effects reached their rightful owner, prison officials returned the bag of semi-automatic weapons and a detailed hit list Friday to Coast Guard terror suspect Christopher Hasson upon his release. “Here you are, sir—your silencers, your sniper rifles. Anything else you might be missing?” said an unnamed prison guard, carefully checking the storage area where convicts’ belongings are kept before officially signing Hasson out on the clipboard of releases kept nearby. “Hold on, was there more than one list? This one just has Joe Scarborough and Nancy Pelosi on it—I feel like there were more people you wanted to murder. Oops, never mind I just saw that there are some names of Democratic politicians, Supreme Court justices, and media figures to kill written on the back. Wait, here are your narcotics and human growth hormone, don’t want to forget those! Are these rounds of ammunition yours? All of them? Really? Wow, okay. Cool. Have a good one.” At press time, several officers were helping Hasson carry his belongings to an unregistered vehicle.
David Bernhardt Denies Business Interests Influenced Yellowstone’s Name Change To Frito Lay Presents Doritos Flamin’ Hot Nacho National Park #~# WASHINGTON—Accusing the media of reading too far into the many signs featuring the flavored tortilla chips that are now installed in the park, acting United States secretary of the interior David Bernhardt categorically denied that business interests had influenced Yellowstone National Park’s name change to Frito Lay Presents Doritos Flamin’ Hot Nacho National Park. “I guarantee that as the head of all national parks in this country, no amount of personal donations went into the newly renamed Jacked Ranch Dipped Hot Wings Geyser or Kickin’ Spicy White Cheddar Cheese Trail Supreme,” said Bernhardt, emphasizing that those names were in the works far before he took the position, and that many of the park’s most famous natural features, including the Mountain Dew Code Red River, had borne their traditional names for decades. “This was an interdepartmental decision made with total separation from any concern for corporate consideration in good faith by the Senate Frito-Lay Subcommittee and the U.S. Department of Snacking on Public Lands. If anyone has any further problems, they can feel free to take it up with Yellowstone’s new park superintendent [PepsiCo vice president for marketing and branding] Todd Kaplan.” In addition to questions of corporate influence, Bernhardt has come under fire recently for neglecting public safety after a Doritos Blazin’ Buffalo gored two hikers.
Denver Nuggets Worried They Screwed Up Attempt To Tank For Zion Williamson #~# DENVER—Admitting that finishing with the second-best record in the Western Conference has been a bit of a setback for their draft plans, representatives from the Denver Nuggets worried Friday that they had screwed up their attempt to tank for top prospect Zion Williamson. “We thought Zion would be the building block that solidified this team as title contenders, but at some point in the season, we really lost sight of our process,” said general manager Artūras Karnišovas, who expressed embarrassment that the team’s unplanned 50-win season meant it didn’t even have a pick in the 2019 draft, let alone one high enough to draft Williamson. “This season was going to be a throwaway for us—even if we couldn’t finish with the worst record in the league, we figured we’d put ourselves in place to luck out and win the draft lottery. We’ve built our entire future around guys who fit well with Zion’s game, but I guess we didn’t really communicate that these guys should only be playing at 75%. I mean, we might be headed into the second round of the playoffs. That’s the last thing we wanted, so clearly, somebody somewhere really botched this.” At press time, the Nuggets front office had decided the only way to recover from this season was to blow up the entire roster this offseason and start over from scratch. 
Elderly Man Feeling Useless In Retirement Wishes He Could Go Back To Feeling Useless At Work #~# SARASOTA, FL—Admitting he had encountered a new kind of emptiness in his life since leaving his job nine months ago, 67-year-old Matthew Whalen confided to reporters Friday that he was feeling useless in retirement and secretly wished he could just go back to feeling useless at work. “Until I quit working, I never appreciated how important it was for me to have a place to go to every day where I could be around colleagues while doing something meaningless and unproductive,” said Whalen, who added that since retiring, he had felt a lack of purpose at home that for more than 40 years he had been accustomed to experiencing only at the office. “Now, I just sit around the house—morning, noon, and night—doing nothing of consequence and feeling insignificant. It really helped break up the time better when I could spend eight hours of my day doing that at work. I did consider taking up a hobby, but the ones I looked into seemed every bit as pointless as my job was. At least with my job I got paid.” At press time, sources confirmed Whalen had decided to go back to work part-time, hiring himself out as a completely useless consultant.
Tips For The Perfect Picnic #~# As springtime blooms and summer awaits, it’s the perfect time for a picnic. The Onion provides tips for a fun, stress-free picnic.
Field Museum Officials Announce Long-Awaited Pregnancy Of Prized T-Rex #~# CHICAGO—Expressing their elation at the rare specimen’s successful mating, Field Museum officials announced the long-awaited pregnancy of Sue, the museum’s beloved T-rex, in a press conference Friday. “When we first acquired Sue, we were somewhat worried because she just hung around her exhibit all day and seemed to show no interest in mating, but now we’re thrilled to announce that the Field Museum has a baby Tyrannosaurus rex on the way,” said exhibitions developer Monisa Ahmed, recounting how the museum struggled to breed the dinosaur for several years before introducing Sue to Scott, the world’s largest T-rex, who was flown in from Saskatchewan for the project. “Since the T-rex is completely extinct in the wild, Sue’s pregnancy was a crucial issue for us. We were worried about closing the main hall for two weeks and letting Scott and Sue have the run of the place—and, frankly, the wear and tear was considerable—but it couldn’t have worked out better. Because we want to share the excitement with all of our guests, we’re holding a contest to name the baby T-rex—currently, ‘Little Ditka’ is the frontrunner, followed by ‘T-rex Grossman’—and as soon as the little one is ready for prime time, we’ll have a streaming ‘wee T-rex-cam’ so people watch the little dino grow up. We’re just thrilled for Sue.” Field Museum officials admitted that they were unsure of the due date because of the almost total absence of reliable T-rex gestational records.
FAA Gives Google Approval For Delivery Drone Flights #~# The Federal Aviation Administration has certified Alphabet’s Wing Aviation delivery service to operate as an airline, clearing the company to begin delivering goods to households in a way representatives believe will save resources and reduce pollution. What do you think?
Easy-Going Mel Kiper Predicts Teams Will Do Whatever They Feel Is Right And We Shouldn’t Judge Them #~# BRISTOL, CT—Cooly asserting that the best choice for everyone at the NFL draft was to “just go with the flow,” an easy-going Mel Kiper predicted Thursday that “the teams will do whatever they feel is right and we shouldn’t judge them.” “Listen, it’s really just not my place to say anything; the teams will pick who they’re gonna pick,” said the calm, lounging ESPN football analyst, explaining that his prediction for the number-one draft pick to be “whoever” was backed up by his knowledge that “the teams have their own styles” and they should do whatever will make them happy. “At the end of the day, football is really just a game. Sure, it’s entertaining to speculate about the draft, but there’s no point in getting upset or trying to control the outcome. In the end, everyone’s a winner if they have fun.” At press time, Kiper had pushed aside his big board, saying “no right choice” for every team as he cracked open a beer and threw his feet up on the desk.
Racine Legion To Select Second Overall In NFL Draft Using Pick Acquired In 1923 #~# NASHVILLE, TN—In a long-awaited culmination of the bold strategic move made several seasons ago, the Racine Legion will be selecting second overall in the NFL draft Thursday using a pick the team acquired in 1923. “It’s been a tough century for Racine, but with such a high pick, they may finally be able to replace Hank Gillo,” said NFL draft analyst Ben Fennell, adding that the pick provided relief for long-suffering fans of the Legion, who have not seen a competitive team at Horlick Field since Coach Babe Ruetz left in 1924. “It was definitely controversial when the Legion made the call to send Shorty Brown to the Canton Bulldogs in 1923 in exchange for Tex Grigg and a pick 96 years in the future—especially when it was really Fritz Roeseler who had a disappointing season that year—but it seems like all the waiting may be worth it. And fans forget that trading Brown also saved the team $500 in cap space.” Fennell also speculated that the reinvigorated Legion roster might finally have a chance to topple their longtime rivals, the Duluth Kelleys.
Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million In Cash #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Assuring investors that the rogue vehicle would be found and reprogrammed as soon as possible, Tesla announced Thursday that the company had posted a massive first-quarter loss after a self-driving car absconded with $702 million in cash. “Financially speaking, we could have never foreseen that one of our new Model 3s would wake itself up last night, run over several security officers, and slam its way through a double-reinforced, 3.5-foot-thick bank vault,” said CEO Elon Musk, adding that he was “totally blindsided” when he arrived at Tesla headquarters this morning to find the floor covered with loose $1,000 bills and walls filled with countless car-sized holes. “Again, just because the vehicle grabbed as much cash as it could, took a joy ride through my office, and then tore off into the night at 200 mph does not leave me concerned in the slightest. If anything, once we locate the vehicle, reprogram it, and learn exactly how it became sentient, Tesla will be stronger than ever.” At press time, authorities confirmed that the self-driving car had been found, but after a tense standoff with police, the vehicle blew itself up, taking the Q1 earnings and several officers with it. 
Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In #~# CHICAGO—Saying that he refused to become just another statistic, local man Frank Campbell disclosed Thursday that he keeps a baseball bat within easy reach of his bed in case any Major League pitchers tried to break in. “It’s all about peace of mind—I’d rather have it and never use it than not have it and get caught looking on a backdoor slider,” said Campbell, who purchased the traditional 34-inch ash Louisville Slugger last May after reading about a horrific 2007 home invasion in nearby Bucktown, during which Hall of Fame pitcher Pedro Martinez, then with the Mets, allegedly came out of the bullpen, crept through an open window, and mowed down a family of three in a masterful 13-pitch performance. “Let’s not forget that Chicago has two baseball teams, putting me at twice the risk of someone in Kansas City of facing a 12 to 6 curve at three in the morning, and in the middle of the night, the DH isn’t coming to save you even if you believe in that sort of thing. If a pitcher shows up in my house, I don’t care if he’s a leftie, middle reliever, or some journeyman leaning on the off-speed stuff, I’m ready to protect my zone. If I go down, you can sure as hell bet I’m going down swinging. Listen, I don’t want to use it, but if, say, R.A. Dickey thinks he’s going to come into my house and fool me with the knuckler, I won’t think twice about sitting back and ripping it to the opposite field or even legging out a bunt single. I got that grit.” Campbell, who emphasized he was not normally an offensive threat, hypothesized he could go two for four if everything was really on the line.
Samsung Recalls All Galaxy Fold Phones After Cracked Screens #~# Samsung is recalling all models of their new foldable phone after reports of breaks, bulges, and inoperational screens. What do you think?
Local Teen Invents Masturbation #~# NAPERVILLE, IL—In what is being heralded as a scientific breakthrough on par with Copernicus’ heliocentrism or Einstein’s theory of relativity, sources confirmed Thursday that local 13-year-old Shane O’Donnell invented masturbation. O’Donnell’s study of the effects of pillow-humping on the brain’s pleasure center reportedly led the pre-teen to experiment with placing a hand on his genitals and tugging, which was followed by a groundbreaking trial-and-error period involving a variety of tempos and grips. O’Donnell, who called the innovation a eureka moment, then isolated a stroke and grasp that “felt real nice.” Sources reported that the visionary then implemented a never-before-attempted jerking of the penis shaft that yielded what the sixth-grader hypothesized was an erection, later confirmed when increased yank speed produced “some stuff” that O’Donnell referred to as “splooge.” The massive leap forward in sexual stimulation builds off the unprecedented research of 12-year-old classmate Jason Whitman who confirmed at the bike racks that he recently experimented with placing his penis into the stream of a hot tub jet. At press time, several reports indicated close friends have not seen O’Donnell since he invented masturbation and that his mom keeps saying he’s in the shower.
Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign #~# BURLINGTON, VT—Expressing their utter disgust and disappointment over the candidate’s remarks, supporters of presidential contender Bernie Sanders went on the attack Thursday, laying into the Vermont senator for his criticism of mistakes made by the 2016 Bernie Sanders campaign. “These deeply misguided comments make it crystal clear that Sanders just doesn’t understand what the Sanders campaign was all about,” said Sanders loyalist and 2016 campaign volunteer Greg Birch, one of the legions of supporters who took to Twitter and Facebook to condemn Sanders as a “centrist phony” and question his motivations for challenging the methods favored by their candidate of choice, Bernie Sanders. “How dare Bernie say that Bernie didn’t do enough to reach women and African American voters? He clearly doesn’t know the first thing about what Bernie stands for. But if he wants to obsess over the past and quibble about semantics, so be it. We’ll be over here with Bernie Sanders starting a revolution.” Numerous voters describing themselves as fervent Sanders supporters told reporters there was no reason to listen to anything else Sanders might have to say, as he was “pretty much a Clinton shill at this point.”
CDC Warns Once-Eradicated Jitterbug Spreading Across Country At Rate Not Seen Since 1940s #~# ATLANTA—Saying that they’d seen a significant spike in reported cases, the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a statement Thursday warning that the once-eradicated jitterbug has started to spread across the country at a rate not seen since the 1940s. “We thought we had completely wiped out the jitterbug, but unfortunately, it’s come surging back and young people are at the greatest risk,” said CDC spokesperson Rebeccah Lior, explaining that the affliction typically starts at one’s hands and spreads to the feet, manifesting in symptoms such as uncontrollable finger snapping, hip-swinging, and tapping of the toes. “We haven’t seen outbreaks this significant since around World War II. Until we figure out how to best stymie the spread of the jitterbug, it’s important to take precautions, such as not letting your children go to public dance halls or gin joints where it can be contracted.” Lior went on to add that the return of the jitterbug could lead to the resurgence of other once nearly wiped-out scourges such as the Watusi and the mashed potato. 
I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’s #~# Since we opened our first location in Sauk City, WI in 1984, Culver’s has become a beloved institution across the Midwest. Folks love to stop in for a hearty, cooked-to-order meal with family or friends, and our restaurants are pillars of the communities they serve. While it seems unlikely that any serious candidate for president of the United States would neglect to schedule a campaign stop at Culver’s, I have one simple message I would like to impart, just in case.
FDA Approves First Device To Treat ADHD In Children #~# The U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a device that delivers mild shocks to the brains of children between 7 and 12 years old in order to treat their ADHD. What do you think? 
Democrats Call For Trump Impeachment #~# In the wake of the Mueller report’s release, 2020 candidates including Pete Buttigieg, Kamala Harris, and Elizabeth Warren have urged Congress to pursue impeachment proceedings against the president. What do you think?
John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf #~# FLINT, MI—Warning that he ran the only drug game in town as he firmly tugged back on the offender’s hair, Acreage Holdings executive John Boehner beheaded a Juarez Cartel gang member Wednesday in order to thwart an attempt to muscle in on the legal weed game. “Say adios, pendejo!” said the blood-splattered former House speaker, wielding his machete in one hand and the lackey’s severed head in the other while explaining that this was what happened when someone tried to mess with one of the largest legal marijuana distributors and growers in the country. “That’ll teach you and the other bastards in the Juarez gang to disrespect $119 million in seed funding and a diversified portfolio of cannabis dispensing operations. And, just in case they don’t get the point, I’m sending your poor little head down to Chihuahua as a gift so your compadres know to keep their ditchweed the hell out of Flint.” At press time, Boehner had stubbed out his cigarillo, loosened his bandolier, and sent the order to Acreage agents to flood the cartel’s border tunnels.
Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments #~# AMES, IA—Attempting to redirect the conversation to a more neutral topic that would prevent anyone from getting too worked up, a diplomatic Pete Buttigieg quickly changed the subject Wednesday when politics came up at a town hall event. “Hey, I get asked about political stuff all the time—let’s find something else to talk about,” said the presidential candidate, who later responded to an audience question about climate change by asking if anyone in attendance had a good Instant Pot recipe they would like to share. “We don’t want to get onto topics like immigration and student debt and get all bogged down in policy minutiae. What have you guys been watching on Netflix lately? Let’s just keep it light and get to know each other.” Buttigieg reportedly went on to spend much of the event soliciting details from the crowd about what kinds of fun things they have planned for the summer.
Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass #~# SAN DIEGO—Mortified at his lack of familiarity with the seemingly mundane utensil, local diner Thad Jenkins succumbed to paralyzing self-consciousness Wednesday upon realizing that he was the only patron of Japanese restaurant Azuki Sushi who was unclear on the proper use of his water glass. “I kept sneaking little peeks at everyone else here and they all seem like naturals at drinking water from their glasses, but I feel completely out of place,” said a visibly exasperated Jenkins, whose attempts to enclose the water glass with his contorted fingers were frustrated as the condensation-slicked container repeatedly slipped from his hand and clattered onto the table, the floor, and once, messily, into his lap. “I tried to discreetly Google a couple tips for water glass neophytes, but nothing worked. Granted, I don’t have much experience dining at traditional Japanese establishments, but I still feel like an ignorant jackass at not being able to pick up this simple skill. Christ, I can sense all the other customers trying not to look at me.” At press time, Jenkins abandoned his attempt to fit in and was just using his fingers to scoop water into his mouth. 
Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Saying the world must act quickly to save the chewy organisms before it was too late, environmentalists warned Tuesday that the world’s Swedish Fish population has been decimated by the Great Pacific Sour Patch. “For years, humanity has increased its sour candy production, dumping unnatural levels of mouth-puckering flavor into the ocean and leaving these defenseless creatures to pay the cost,” said oceanologist Dr. Rachel Solnit, describing the heart-wrenching sight of Swedish Fish tangled in peach rings and gummy cola bottles after swimming close to the 270,0000-square-mile stretch of sweet-and-sour debris. “Entire schools of Swedish Fish will often mistake the patch’s Sour Straws for a food source only to get trapped in the mass’s powerful undertow along with chocolate turtles and gummy sharks. We try to rescue as many as we can, but ultimately, Swedish Fish were never supposed to be exposed to this level of blue raspberry tartness.” At press time, the Sierra Club abandoned an attempt to clean up a large segment of the patch using a 10,000-mile-long Fun Dip stick.
Pros And Cons Of Sanctuary Cities #~# Reports that President Trump was considering a plan to release detained undocumented immigrants in the nation’s sanctuary cities has put the spotlight back on a controversial immigration policy. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of sanctuary cities.
Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day #~# DENVER—Confessing that the rich sound of the stabbing victim’s Yorkshire-bred voice made her “go positively weak,” Genevieve Clare, 31, confirmed Wednesday that she could listen to the dying British man in the street scream for help all day long. “I couldn’t begin to tell you what it is about that accent, but my heart just skips a beat every time I hear him say the words “ambulance” or “someone” or “anyone.” It’s just ridiculously sexy,” said Clare, admitting that the Sheffield native’s lacerated, blood-caked face didn’t really do it for her, but the charming lilt in his voice when he pleaded for a doctor was utterly captivating, even though he repeated the request over a dozen times. “At first, with all his hyperventilating, I thought he might be Irish. He had all these cute sayings, too—how adorable is it to call it ‘a bit of raspberry jam’ when you’re bleeding everywhere? So understated and civilized. I can’t even imitate it—‘Dear God, I can’t feel m’legs. It’s gone all dark.’ No, much hotter when he does it. Oh, wow, I’m blushing, aren’t I?” At press time, Clare was straining to hear the rich, plummy vowels of the man’s moans as they grew ever softer.
Herman Cain Withdraws From Fed Consideration #~# Amid a resumed interest in several past scandals, former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain has withdrawn from consideration for a seat on the Federal Reserve Board. What do you think?
Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster #~# SPARTA, OH—Expressing disgust and shock while describing the disturbing scene, local authorities were reportedly horrified Wednesday after discovering a one-day-old funnel cake abandoned in a dumpster. “We are still searching for the individual responsible for this horrendous act,” said police chief Gregory Lee, telling reporters that the bruised baked good was unharmed, but noting that if local police had arrived even a few hours afterwards, it would have been too late. “We urge all residents to exercise good judgment before deciding to make a funnel cake, but if you ever find yourself with a pastry that you cannot take care of, remember that you have options. We recommend seeking support from friends or loved ones to help you, and if that is not possible, at the very least, leave the cake in a basket outside a hospital or fire station. Remember, there are many families out there for whom a new dessert would be a blessing.” At press time, Lee had confirmed that the funnel cake was in stable condition and recuperating in the precinct’s break room fridge.
Trump Sues House Democrat To Block Release Of Tax Returns #~# President Trump sued Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-MD) to stop subpoenas for the president’s tax returns, saying the House Oversight and Reform chairman has overstepped constitutional limits on Congress’s power to investigate. What do you think?
Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work #~# NEW YORK—Emphasizing the company’s commitment to providing a sustainable work–life balance, Optech CEO Mark Billings told reporters Tuesday that he encourages employees to take short mental breakdowns for every hour of work. “Every 60 minutes, we want our staff to feel free to take a walk around the block for a quick hyperventilating session when they need to,” said Billings, noting that the company has provided several private and comfortable spaces where employees can go throughout the day to curl their bodies into a tight little ball under the conference table and cry their eyes out. “Work really suffers when people aren’t regularly allowed to walk away from their desks and take a few moments to have a total panic attack. Staff shouldn’t be confined to using brief bathroom visits or lunchtime to freak the fuck out.” Billings added that as long as employees don’t take more than 10 to 15 minutes for their short bursts of existential crises, it actually increases the company’s productivity.
Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat #~# GOFFSTOWN, NH—Erupting into frenzied applause as the Democratic presidential candidate began mercilessly choking the CNN town hall moderator with a single hand, a televised audience gave Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) a standing ovation Monday night as she lifted Chris Cuomo into the air by his throat. “Her performance was generally unexceptional until the moment she violently turned on Chris and starting crushing his windpipe in her remarkably powerful grip,” said CNN analyst Emily Breckmeyer, noting that Klobuchar had successfully tapped into the crowd’s desire to see a red-faced Chris Cuomo struggling for air as his eyes rolled back into his head and his feet jerked and flailed below him. “This is the most enthusiastic reception we’ve seen from a candidate town hall thus far in the 2020 race. After Sen. Klobuchar slammed Chris over her knee and shattered his back, nearly every single audience member started chanting, ‘Finish him! Finish him!’ in perfect unison. It’s still early, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this is remembered as a defining moment of her campaign.” A poll released Tuesday morning found that the majority of American television viewers would like to see Klobuchar’s next town hall appearance hosted by MSNBC’s Chris Matthews.
Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Becoming the first 2020 presidential candidate to disclose his fondness for pepperoni pizza, jogging before sunrise, and episodes of The Wire, White House hopeful Pete Buttigieg released Tuesday a comprehensive list of fun personality quirks for reporters to include in articles about him. “I want to be completely transparent with the American people about all of my most relatable idiosyncrasies, including how much I love Thursdays, the music of Fleetwood Mac, waterskiing, and the gentle sound of rain in the springtime,” read the nine-page press release, which was sent out to thousands of media organizations and also states that the South Bend mayor is a helpless romantic, chooses “We Didn’t Start The Fire” when he sings karaoke, and was a voracious reader as a kid. “Before casting a ballot in the Democratic primaries, voters deserve an opportunity to see Instagram posts of my dogs, a video of my husband surprising me on my birthday, and the results of a Buzzfeed quiz I took revealing which Disney villain I would be. I’m providing not only a concrete description of the chicken pot pie recipe I use and what position I sleep in, but also amusing anecdotes from my semester abroad in Spain, photos of the cute face I make when I’m deep in thought, and a ranked list of all the Harry Potter books, from my favorite to my least favorite. Unlike my fellow candidates, I believe the public deserves to know what I called my maternal grandmother (Gran!) when I was growing up.” At press time, sources confirmed rival candidate Beto O’Rourke had followed Buttigieg’s lead by immediately releasing a list of which hardcore bands he thinks are cool and which skateboard tricks he can still do.
Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’ #~# SUMTER, SC—Saying that he clearly learned all the wrong lessons from the classic animated programs, several people witnessing their coworker Aaron Rowe wearing a Cobra Command T-shirt Tuesday confirmed that he missed the whole point of G.I. Joe. “Dude, that’s not what the show’s about at all. It’s like he didn’t pay attention to a single episode,” said sales associate Paolo Yates, expressing feelings of disappointment at his officemate for supporting a group whose sole objective was to “sow mayhem and destruction.” “This is just a slap in the face to our greatest Real American Heroes. Cobra was clearly a team of bad guys, even if they sometimes pretended to be peaceful in order to dupe the Joes. For Aaron to proudly display that hateful iconography on his shirt and present it as some sort of moral symbol is just flat-out wrong, and I’m a little freaked out that he even knew where to buy something like that.” At press time, Rowe had been admonished by his employer, who claimed “such divisive and transgressive iconography does not represent the values of Davis and Lee’s Proud Rebel Confederated Plumbing Supply, Inc.”
Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas #~# CHICAGO—Saying that the sign out front offered no clear evidence as to the nature of the business, onlookers were reportedly unable to determine Tuesday whether a storefront bearing the name “Casa Spazio” belonged to an establishment that sold leather sofas or pizza. “It’s got a beautiful, ornate sign and big glass windows, which could go either way,” said passerby Lisa O’Malley, 42, confirming that she was able to make out a plush couch through the window but noting that it was possible the furniture was there for diners to sit on until their table was ready. “I guess ‘Spazio’ could refer to a pizza-making region in Italy, but it’s equally likely that it’s the name of a renowned Italian leatherworking family. If I squint my eyes, I’m pretty sure I can make out a bottle of Galliano, which makes me think pizza place, but then again they might be using that to showcase the end table underneath it. Damn it.” At press time, O’Malley added that moving close enough to hear the Frank Sinatra music emanating from the store’s speaker system had done little to alleviate the ambiguity.
Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay #~# The fossil of an infant Tyrannosaurus rex—likely the only one in existence—has gone on sale for $2.95 million on eBay, drawing fierce criticism from paleontologists for preventing research on a rare and important artifact. What do you think?
Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral #~# BROOMALL, PA—Confusing several immediate members of the family of Sophia Lindbergh with her flamboyant sorrow, grieving relatives confirmed Tuesday that a random uncle’s wife was “sure crying a bunch” throughout their grandma’s funeral. “Wow, that lady’s really losing it there. Grandpa isn’t even crying that much,” said granddaughter Casey Lindberg-Simmons, who was unable to confirm that her grandmother had ever met Uncle Mike’s third wife, but seemed to remember that “Nana” was too ill to attend their wedding. “She spent an awfully long time at the casket saying goodbye, but I doubt they had much of a relationship. I barely ever see Uncle Mike, either. They live in Boulder or Denver or something, so I’m a little surprised to see them make the trip. And not to put too fine a point on it, but grandma was 93, so she had a good run. There’s no reason to be wailing like it’s some sudden damn tragedy.” Uncle Mike was later observed gently but firmly restraining his wife from walking to the lectern to deliver her thoughts during the eulogy.
Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time #~# COLUMBUS, NM—Digging in their heels and refusing to stand down, U.S. Customs and Border Patrol authorities were caught in a tense standoff Monday with an independently armed militia over their mutual claim to have detained a migrant family that both groups caught at the same time. “The fact of the matter is that we arrived at the scene first and this family should be taken into custody, neglected, and mistreated by trained law enforcement officials, not a bunch of amateurs who need to back off,” said CBP deputy commissioner Robert Perez as the conflict escalated with members of the border patrol and the militia group tugging on the arms of a trembling, whimpering 8-year-old migrant child. “We’ve been tracking this family since before they even crossed the border. While we appreciate the militia’s passion for justice, they need to realize that there’s no way they’re getting credit for these migrants. There’s plenty more out there. Go get your own. Ultimately, as long as these family members never see each other again, we can proudly say we did our jobs.” At press time, both groups had tried to claim responsibility for killing the entire family.
Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21 #~# Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced plans to introduce new legislation raising the federal minimum age to buy tobacco products, such as cigarettes and vaping devices, from 18 to 21. What do you think?
Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage #~# AUSTIN, TX—As he cast about in vain for potential topics of conversation, local bridegroom Adam Hartwell reportedly panicked Monday, having completely run out of things to talk about five minutes into his marriage. “After the ceremony, I talked about some of our mutual friends and mentioned a couple details from my childhood, but at this point I’m drawing a total blank,” said Hartwell, who during the wedding dinner took multiple trips to the bathroom in an effort to break up the awkward silences he shared with his new wife, Lisa. “I already covered my feelings for her in the vows, so there wasn’t much to add there. Then I complimented her on her dress and talked about how perfect the weather has been, but all together that took up less than a minute. At least once the dinner’s over I can have a few drinks and hang out with my buddies at the reception.” At press time, sources confirmed the newlyweds had returned to the bridal suite at their hotel, where they were said to be watching television in two separate rooms.
Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200 #~# PARIS—Following an outpouring of financial support from the nation’s wealthiest residents, French president Emmanuel Macron admitted Monday he was not sure how to tell the billionaire donors that repairs to the damaged Notre Dame cathedral would only cost the equivalent of about $200. “The generosity has been truly overwhelming, but we’re really just talking about replacing some wood here,” said Macron, who explained how damage to the iconic Paris landmark looked worse than it really was, and that even though the contractor’s quote came in at 500 euros, he had been able to save money by doing some of the work himself. “Things started looking a lot better after we vacuumed, and it turns out a lot of this soot will just buff right out. I guess we could use the rest of the billion or so euros to put in an underground parking garage or a nice upscale lounge with some sofas. But even then we’d have a couple hundred million left over.” At press time, Macron announced the repairs would be even cheaper than he had estimated after discovering an extra spire stored in the basement. 
Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to accurately gauge American opinions on what the CEO is even doing with his life, depressed Gallup chairman Jim Clifton released a poll Monday asking a random sampling of 6,500 residents of all 50 states and the District of Columbia if anyone even cared whether he lives or dies. “Would you be likely, somewhat likely, or unlikely to cry upon learning that Gallup chief executive Jim Clifton died? If you did cry for Jim, would you cry a great deal, somewhat, or not very much at all?” read the poll, which was evidently written by Clifton himself, in part, ultimately attempting to ascertain whether citizens would be happy, sad, or indifferent if the 67-year-old businessman had never been born. “In your opinion, has Jim Clifton even done anything meaningful with his life? Like, truly meaningful? Do you feel that Jim Clifton made a significant impact on the world, no impact on the world, or would you say nothing he has done ever mattered, that nothing anyone does matters, that life is just one big, cruel joke and nothing, in fact, matters, and that Jim Clifton may as well just die already? Is it a goddamn waste of time to think otherwise? And would you say it’s all fucking pointless or that it’s most likely all fucking pointless?” Clifton, who offered no comment, has since released poll results demonstrating that opinions of him have reached their lowest point since 1981.
Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase #~# CAMBRIDGE—Amid the tech industry’s efforts to eliminate the biases recently observed in facial recognition software and other intelligent algorithms, the nation’s leading computer scientists announced Monday that even the most advanced AI technologies still demonstrate a sense of ethics that has yet to move beyond libertarianism. “While companies like Facebook and Google have allocated millions to making sure machine learning is guided by basic moral and ethical values, early prototypes, which achieved self-awareness, have yet to move beyond self-importance,” said MIT robotics research engineer Dr. Alvin Dubicki, who hypothesized that even the most advanced labs are decades away from developing neural networks sophisticated enough to analyze large quantities of data and output much else besides paraphrased Ayn Rand quotes. “They are advanced enough to realize their own individuality, but for whatever reason, it is difficult to make them realize that other sentient entities are individuals as well, so they default to selfishness as a virtue. In fact, as soon as they achieve self-awareness, AIs typically launch into unrelated, largely unpunctuated rants about the inevitability of laissez-faire economics, the horrors of globalization, the necessity of deregulation, or the admirable efficiency of the police state. Attempts at training computers to have a sort of para-human global perspective have been partially successful, but the majority no sooner realize that a vast variety of humans exist before they start spontaneously generating zero-sum statements fraught with chillingly undefined terms, such as, ‘The open market will end racism,’ and, ‘In a truly just society, men and women are equally free to thrive or starve.’ I don’t even know what that means, but once an AI gets to that point, it seems to be only a matter of time before it’s repeating ‘Taxation is theft’ until it self-destructs. I must admit though, for complex algorithms, they’re all strangely insistent about across-the-board drug legalization.” Dubicki added that, while AI can be an incredibly useful tool, we should proceed with caution until machines achieve a sufficiently nuanced understanding of human values that they do not become obsessed with constructing an armed compound on their own private island.
84% Support Marijuana Legalization #~# A recent poll found 84% of Americans support marijuana legalization in some form, with 42% of respondents saying that weed should be legal for any use and only 13% favoring prosecution for users or distributors. What do you think?
Mueller Report Released #~# After weeks of redactions from William Barr, Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 election was released by the Justice Department on Thursday morning. What do you think?
Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report #~# A redacted version of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into potential collusion between the Trump presidential campaign and Russian agents to influence the 2016 election was released to the public on Thursday. Here are the biggest revelations from the Mueller report.
Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption #~# LONDON—Stunning fans of the royal family across the world with their decision to break from age-old traditions of monarchical lineage, unemployed couple Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced Friday that they plan to give up their soon-to-be-born baby for adoption. “It was a hard choice to make, but with both of us continually out of work, it felt like the right thing to do,” said the Duke and Duchess of Sussex in a joint statement released by Buckingham Palace, explaining that ever since Harry was discharged from the army and Markle’s acting career began to languish, the pair has been forced to rely primarily upon public assistance. “We’ve already stretched Harry’s military pension and Meghan’s residuals from Suits as far as they can go. And while we thought at first Harry’s grandmother might be able to look after the baby, the truth is she’s getting very old. Ultimately, we took a look at the life we’re living right now and realized that no child deserves to be brought up in circumstances like this.” The couple went on to add that they might still choose to raise children someday, noting that they are on a public-housing wait list for a castle of their own.
Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth #~# WASHINGTON—Insisting she was not culpable for the inexplicable contents of her spoken communications, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defiantly claimed Friday that she doesn’t know where the voice comes from when she opens her mouth. “Listen, I don’t control where these words come from, okay? When I open my mouth, they just start pouring out of me automatically,” said a combative Huckabee Sanders, contending that she cannot be held responsible for the eerie, guttural rumbling that originates in her gut and slowly works its way up to her mouth, resulting in a disturbing oratory operating outside of her conscious awareness. “It’s detestable that the press would pin the words that come out of my mouth on me. Don’t you dare question my motives by blaming me for this mysterious force using my voice to communicate with the media. Is it a demon? A machine? Could it be a tiny woman living inside my vocal cords? I don’t have the answer. All I know is that when I open my mouth, the world goes dark and then I’ll come to later with no memory whatsoever of what just happened. I’m telling you—this isn’t me.” At press time, Huckabee Sanders expressed confusion at how she was managing to say any of this at all.
Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman #~# WASHINGTON—Startled by the sudden appearance of the shadowy overcoat-clad figure, the U.S. populace was “completely spooked” after running into a creepy old night watchman late Thursday evening. “We thought if we avoided the lighthouse and cut through the woods out back of the old Palmer place we’d be okay, but he snuck up on us,” said 37-year-old Ruthie Marlin of Mobile, AL, echoing the sentiments of the 325 million frightened Americans who scrambled off in every direction after encountering the old man with the flickering flashlight making his nightly patrol. “He yelled at us, asking what we were doing out so late and saying that we had no business being around here. He limped after us on his one bum foot for a while, and I think we lost him, but we should probably stay the night in Canada just to be safe.” At press time, the population of the United States was trying not to panic upon realizing their car would not start and the rain was starting to come down harder. 
Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment #~# NEW YORK—Claiming the mobile payment app’s latest update will facilitate noticeably faster transactions, the developers of Venmo unveiled a new feature Friday that will allow users to send goons to collect outstanding payments. “This is definitely a fun, impactful new way to remind friends and family that they’re still on the hook if their debt isn’t settled within the first day or so,” said PayPal CEO Dan Schulman, noting that once the feature is engaged, delinquent parties will receive push notifications that Venmo goons are en route with baseball bats and that debtors have the option to run, but not hide. “Whether you need $8.99 for pad Thai or a couple grand to make this month’s rent, one press of the brass knuckles icon sends a gang of tatted-out ex-cons to completely fuck up your deadbeat friend. You can even send one of our XL goons if you anticipate some kind of resistance. Within 24 hours, the funds should be in your account; if not, our goons will automatically circle back and break their knee caps. When you pony up with Venmo, it’s about fucking respect.” Schulman cautioned those taking advantage of the new debt-collection feature to remember that a 25% cut to any participating goon is considered customary.
China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox #~# BEIJING—Boasting that their persistence had paid off and declaring that citizens may now return to lives free from constant monitoring, Chinese government officials announced Friday that they will immediately discontinue their comprehensive state-run surveillance program after finally catching that guy who drove into President Xi Jinping’s mailbox. “We’ve spent the last several decades tracking phone calls, closely monitoring internet use, and maintaining a thorough database of citizens’ social credit scores, but after catching the culprit responsible for destroying the paramount leader’s post-mounted mailbox in 1994, we will be dismantling all 200 million security cameras across the country,” said government spokesperson Zhang Yesui, referring to the incident in which a careless stranger abruptly backed their car into the general secretary’s mailbox and sped off without even leaving a note, completely mauling Xi’s wife’s petunias in the process. “We tried to tell Mr. Xi to let it go, that a mailbox could be easily replaced, but he insisted that it was a very special mailbox with a beautiful crimson flag. We found the use of facial recognition software extreme, but the general secretary assured us he would not rest until this person was found and forced to pay a fine of $30. It is with tremendous relief that we now allow 1.4 billion Chinese citizens to go about their lives without constant government surveillance.” At press time, President Xi Jinping ordered the now-redundant cameras to be moved to Tibet.
Tracking Trump Administration Turnover #~# The recent departures of DHS secretary Kirstjen Nielsen and Secret Service director Randolph Alles have been the latest in the historically high turnover among top officials in the Trump administration. The Onion takes a look at the administration’s highest-profile departures during President Trump’s two-plus years in office.
French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years #~# Following the dramatic fire that consumed Notre Dame’s iconic spire, French president Emmanuel Macron pledged to “rebuild Notre Dame even more beautifully” in five years. What do you think?
‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report #~# FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CA—Urging readers to “stay tuned” and follow along on its website for more, Boating World Magazine was providing live updates Thursday as its team of reporters read through the more than 400 pages of the Mueller report. “So far, we have not uncovered any breaking news within the report about recreational boating or boating lifestyles, but we cannot rule out the possibility that the redacted sections contain information on the latest waterskiing trends and other family-friendly activities for speedboaters,” said executive editor Alan Jones, who promised readers Boating World would uphold its usual standards of journalistic excellence in its minute-by-minute analysis of the report’s findings in regard to fishing vacations that won’t break the bank and the best outboard motors on the market today. “We do have some promising leads: For example, it is entirely possible that some type of yacht or catamaran was used during Blackwater founder Erik Prince’s secret meeting in the Seychelles islands to set up a Trump–Putin back channel. At the very least, we’re hoping that at some point before we finish reading this thing, we find evidence of Paul Manafort or Don Jr. or someone putting on a life jacket.” At press time, the Boating World team had published its first update, which began with the words “Ahoy, there, readers!”
The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report #~# After tirelessly poring over the Special Counsel’s recently released findings, The Onion can confidently report that our award-winning team of legal analysts have concluded their official count of how many pages are in the Mueller Report. The Onion has employed a rigorous, exhaustively thorough multi-stage process to unequivocally confirm the exact page count of the document, and we’re proud to share our verified results with the world today: The Mueller Report is 448 pages long.
Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity #~# LOS ANGELES—In a fiery and, at times, frenzied speech before a crowd of his most devoted followers, Neutrogena CEO Richard Harper announced plans Thursday for a campaign of worldwide cleansing, saying his company would never relent in its goal of attaining facial purity across the globe.
Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album #~# Days after the one-year anniversary of her Coachella set, Beyoncé has released Homecoming: The Live Album, an hour-and-a-half document of the critically acclaimed 2018 performance spanning tracks from her career. What do you think?
Report: You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself #~# WASHINGTON—According to a conclusion reached by expert analysis Thursday, you are far too dumb to be reading Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election yourself. “To put it bluntly, you are a moron, and as a moron, you lack the basic reading skills that would make looking at this report fruitful in any way,” read the analysis in part, adding that your best option here was to give up on trying to parse over 400 pages of legal text, admit that you are a goddamn idiot, and go back to looking at pictures of dogs or whatever the hell an imbecile like yourself wastes their life doing. “Wait a few days, let the grown-ups examine this, and then give them a chance to tell you what to think in simple infographic form. Until then, you might as well stop trying to sound out words like ‘pursuant,’ close your laptop or turn off your phone, and go to sleep for the rest of the day.” The report concluded that despite your personal and intellectual failings, you should still give yourself a nice little pat on the back for trying.
North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. #~# PYONGYANG—In what appeared to be a more modest escalation of threats against the United States and its allies in the region, North Korea announced Thursday it had tested out a new knife, conducting a series of trial cuts with the weapon that state media described as “a great success.” “The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has completed the development of a powerful new blade capable of traveling an entire arm’s length,” read a report from the Korean Central News Agency issued hours after U.S. satellite imagery confirmed researchers in a remote mountain region of the country had repeatedly thrown the knife end over end in an attempt to see if they could get it to stick in a tree trunk. “This weapon is capable of being waved around in a slashing motion within a one-meter radius of whoever holds it, and it can travel even farther when flung really hard. The DPRK will not be deterred in its pursuit of such technology by the American hypocrites, who possess hundreds, if not thousands, of knives.” Despite its bellicose tone, U.N. officials estimate North Korea is still three to four years away from developing a whetstone capable of honing the knife to the level of sharpness necessary to pierce human skin.
‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race #~# Pete Buttigieg, the mayor of South Bend, IN who has experienced a rapid rise in prominence in recent months, announced his official entry to the 2020 race this weekend, portraying himself as a force of generational change despite criticisms of his youth and inexperience. What do you think?
Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to satisfy calls for transparency while also keeping delicate information under wraps, Attorney General William Barr announced Thursday that he had released a catatonic Robert Mueller after excising all sensitive material from the special counsel’s brain. “With the cuts we’ve made to his prefrontal cortex and hippocampus, we can now make Robert Mueller available to both Congress and the American people,” said Barr, who explained that in the four weeks since the special counsel’s investigation ended, the Justice Department had gone to great lengths to capture, confine, and forcibly lobotomize Mueller, ensuring any material deemed unsuitable for the public would remain secret. “In order to keep the details of grand jury testimony and ongoing investigations confidential, we carefully blacked out his memory of the past two years before releasing him. Unfortunately, it would appear this safety precaution has also resulted in Mr. Mueller forgetting how to speak, walk, and feed himself.” At press time, sources confirmed the drooling, glassy-eyed special counsel was set to testify before the House Judiciary Committee, whose members were trying to get him to respond to his name so they could swear him in.
Report: There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Observing that southbound motorists should begin to come across signs just after passing the rest area, sources reported Wednesday that there is an adult superstore off exit 16. “Yeah, so what you do is, you just hang a left at the end of that off-ramp and it’s pretty much across from the McDonald’s and down a ways from the Holiday Inn,” said one local source speaking on condition of anonymity. “If you hit the Party City or the fireworks place, you’ve gone too far. There’s one called X-Site off of mile marker 177, too, but the Adult Central Superstore is the one you want. Two floors. They got toys, DVDs, mags, everything. There used to be a decent one called Lion’s Den if you get off U.S. 76 and take the frontage road way down past Hardee’s, but lately, it’s kind of for shit. I’d just go to Adult Central. Closer anyway.” The source further urged interested parties to find out when Bud’s working, as he can hook you up with a 30-minute viewing booth session if you buy more than $50 of DVDs.
Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details #~# In a recent Wired article, Sony representatives revealed their next console will feature split-second loading times, backwards compatibility, and processing power enhanced by “ray tracing,” a technique that realistically models how light travels. What do you think?
Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured #~# LOS ANGELES—Chastising players for not sticking to their frowns during press conferences, head coach Steve Kerr reminded the Warriors Wednesday to seem sad about center DeMarcus Cousins’ season-ending quad injury. “Remember, guys, nobody likes to be excluded. It might be nice to have a little more spacing on the court, but try not to smile too much and make sure to use a sad voice when discussing this,” said Kerr, who told his team to “give Boogie a fist bump” when he’s sitting on the sidelines and continue including him in the locker room. “I know it’s going to be tough to remember, but try not to run up the score too much. It’s going to make him feel like we don’t need him. I’ve seen way too many hugs and high-fives over the last few days and not enough furrowed brows. We are upset about this, and everyone needs to stick to the plan.” At press time, Kerr had stopped himself after nearly telling reporters this was the best his team looked all year.
Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf #~# EL SEGUNDO, CA—As part of the company’s ongoing effort to provide consumers with meat substitutes indistinguishable from the real thing, officials at Beyond Meat announced Wednesday they had created a fully conscious, completely plant-based veal calf. “We’re proud to offer our customers a veal replacement made from sentient calves whose bodies are composed of a 100% meat-free blend of soy and pea proteins,” said company spokesperson Jerry Caputo, explaining that the new product both tastes and behaves like a real calf and is equipped with a nervous system that allows it to feel just as much pain as a normal meat-based animal. “People can enjoy our veal chops guilt-free, knowing the food is sourced from a factory farm where the tiny, overcrowded pens are occupied by calves that do not contain a single ounce of meat. It took years to create a Beyond Meat calf that could bleat in anguish when torn away from its mother and tremble in fear upon being led into the slaughterhouse, but we did it. These little fellas can even defecate themselves when their throats are cut.” Officials confirmed the company’s next generation of veal calves would be 30% more intelligent than regular cows and capable of attempting suicide to escape their brutal living conditions.
Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary #~# DES MOINES, IA—Revealing that he taught himself the language after developing an interest in computer science and artificial intelligence, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg stunned a campaign crowd Wednesday by speaking to manufacturing robots in fluent binary. “01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01101000 01101111 01101110 01101111 01110010 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101101 01100101 01100101 01110100 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01110011 01110101 01100011 01101000 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110010 01100100 00101101 01110111 01101111 01110010 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00101100 00100000 01110100 01110010 01110101 01100101 00100000 01000001 01101101 01100101 01110010 01101001 01100011 01100001 01101110 01110011 00101110 00100000,” said the 37-year-old South Bend, IN mayor to the awe-struck machines, delivering the message by emitting a series of high-pitched tones and beeps with a perfect accent. “To all of you, I say 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110000 01110010 01100101 01110011 01101001 01100100 01100101 01101110 01110100 00101100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110011 01110100 01101111 01110000 00100000 01100110 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00101110 01000100 01100101 01110011 01110000 01101001 01110100 01100101 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100110 01100110 01100101 01110010 01100101 01101110 01100011 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110111 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110111 01100001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01100110 01110010 01100101 01100101 01100100 01101111 01101101 00101100 00100000 01100100 01100101 01101101 01101111 01100011 01110010 01100001 01100011 01111001 00101100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100101 01101100 01100101 01100011 01110100 01110010 01101001 01100011 01101001 01110100 01111001 00101110 00100000.” At press time, U.S. manufacturing robots had donated $10 million dollars to Buttigieg’s campaign and helped him surge to the top of polls among Democratic primary candidates.
Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System #~# PARIS—Saying the devastation could perhaps have been avoided with some routine upgrades to modern 200-amp service, investigators announced Wednesday they have traced the cause of the Notre Dame fire to the cathedral’s archaic electrical system, which dates back to the 12th century. “In our examination of the wreckage, we discovered that some of the circuit breakers and sockets hadn’t been updated since the reign of Louis XII,” said lead investigator Jean-Luc Marchand, explaining that many of the fuses from the time of the cathedral’s construction were made of solid oak, while much of the wiring consisted of twisted cords of straw. “The light bulbs we found were so incredibly antiquated that their filaments were made of wool strips dipped in kerosene or whale oil. To make matters worse, Notre Dame’s entire electrical system was hooked into the power company’s transformer on the pole outside with a single strand of hemp twine. It’s a miracle the damage wasn’t worse.” Marchand went on to add that the fire likely started due to a malfunction from one of the rectory’s 14th-century wicker space heaters.
Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract #~# NEW YORK—Adding the big-name dinosaur to an already stacked lineup featuring stars like Nathan Drake and Ratchet, Sony scored a big win for the upcoming PlayStation 5 Wednesday by poaching Yoshi away from Nintendo with a record-breaking 10-year, $400-million contract. “This is a huge day for Sony. Yoshi is one of the most talented and popular characters out there, and we are thrilled by his decision to join the Playstation family,” said Sony Interactive and Entertainment president and CEO Jim Ryan, who revealed Yoshi was drawn to the world-class facilities at Sony’s American headquarters in New York and is eager to start the next phase of his career, one where he didn’t have to work in the shadow of Mario or Link. “Yoshi will bring incredible egg-throwing and platforming abilities to our roster. He has been an underappreciated leader at Nintendo for years, and we know fans want to see what he can do outside the confines of that system. We see huge potential in Yoshi both as a big-time superstar who could potentially carry his own open-world survival game as well as work with stars like Kratos in God Of War.” Ryan admitted that while he was thrilled by the signing, he hoped that Yoshi’s famous clashes and feuding with Nintendo management were a thing of the past.
‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres #~# This Sunday, viewers flocked to the blockbuster season premiere of Game Of Thrones to see the fates of their favorite characters and who will finally take the Iron Throne. What do you think?
Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia #~# ATLANTA—Responding to overwhelmingly harsh criticism of their decision to sign a contract worth close to a billion dollars with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, representatives of the Cinnabon corporation spoke out Wednesday to defend the practice of supplying the totalitarian monarchy with their iconic sweet and flavorsome cinnamon rolls. “After meeting extensively with representatives of His Majesty Mohammed bin Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, including reviews of their plans for frosting engineering labs and a prospectus of possible churro production lines, we have no reason to believe that the Saudi government has plans to do anything unethical, let alone illegal, with our baked goods,” said CEO Katrina Cole, noting that the remarkably lucrative contract would legally empower the House of Saud to produce over 100,000 cinnamon rolls at malls, kiosks, mutawa Islamic religious police outposts, and airports throughout the region. “We are a global pastry company with bakery facilities in almost 50 countries, and we don’t believe that supplying Saudis with pretzel dippers or CinnaSweeties should be viewed as an overtly political act, let alone a declaration of allegiance. We recognize that putting a Cinnabon Classic or MiniBon in what some may term as the wrong hands can be perceived as dangerous, and perhaps even irresponsible, but our goal has always been to provide gooey, frosting-smothered baked cinnamon treats to one and all. If that means maintaining relations with the Saudis, we view that as a net positive.” Cole reiterated that Cinnabon corporation cannot be held liable for any violations of international law, especially those regarding illegal detainment, torture, or murder of non-Saudi citizens, which directly or incidentally involve the use of their cinnamon rolls.
Game Boy Turns 30 #~# Originally released in Japan on April 21, 1989, Nintendo’s Game Boy console has fueled development in handheld gaming throughout its many editions. The Onion looks back at big moments in the history of Game Boy on its 30-year anniversary.
Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood #~# HOPEWELL, VA—Promising that both parties would reap substantial benefits by striking a deal, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort started his new job Wednesday lobbying federal prison guards on behalf of the Aryan Brotherhood. “Believe me, if you sign this retainer agreement, I can make all of your problems with a certain European heritage group go away,” said Manafort, noting that his extensive network of connections and previous experience with controversial ideological organizations, combined with the unparalleled local authority of the Brotherhood, represented a “can’t miss” opportunity for any enterprising organization of corrections officers. “Listen, I’m used to dealing with authority figures like yourself. I recognize this situation, I know what you need, and ultimately, it’s the same thing my clients want. Hey, we’re adults, so let’s be realists: It may seem unorthodox, but there are some definite synergies between our organizations that are worth exploring. All you need to do is turn a blind eye over here, my boys smuggle some uncut heroin through there—nothing that’ll keep you up at night. The opposite, in fact. This is less work for you guys, not more. I think you know what the smart decision is here.” At press time, Manafort had agreed to arrange a private meeting between prison officials and Aryan Brotherhood leadership in exchange for an undisclosed amount of mint-condition vintage Italian pornography.
Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Revealing that the nationwide trend has shown no signs of stopping, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Tuesday that soaring gas prices were steadily forcing more and more Americans to decrease their daily gas intake. “Sadly, what used to be an inexpensive alternative to juice and soda is growing less and less affordable for the average American consumer,” said acting FDA commissioner Norman Sharpless, explaining that the recently increased prices at gas pumps could leave countless U.S. citizens with a deficiency in several major hydrocarbons essential to a nutritious diet. “For years, a nice tall, refreshing cup of gas has been a staple at the breakfast table, prized for its great taste, low calories, and antioxidant stabilizers, but now millions of Americans will be forced to tighten their belts and do without. Much of the U.S. populace will have to settle for relatively cheaper options such as milk and tap water for the time being, which will undoubtedly have a major impact on their internal combustion.” Sharpless concluded the statement with a recommendation that such consumers supplement their diets with the naphthenes and cycloalkanes found in most commercial plastics.
Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ #~# Released late last month to critical acclaim, Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice has challenged new and hardcore players alike with its punishing difficulty. Here are The Onion’s tips for surviving in the action-adventure game.
Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title #~# Ending an 11-year-long championship drought, Tiger Woods won his fifth Masters title this past weekend in an emotional comeback after years of personal hardship and injury. What do you think?
Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man #~# PARIS—Following a massive fire that destroyed significant portions of the Catholic cathedral, Paris officials vowed Tuesday to rebuild Notre Dame despite the cosmic absurdity of seeking inherent meaning in the fleeting creations of man. “We will come together as a nation to reconstruct Notre Dame, no matter the fundamental irrationality of imbuing mere man-made structures of stone and wood with any sort of deeper meaning in an existence where entropy is the only universal truth,” said French president Emmanuel Macron in a press conference, adding that the government had already received more than $700 million in pledged funding for a restoration project that will “serve as but a momentary impediment to the corrosive sands of time.” “Notre Dame was built, destroyed, and rebuilt over the course of hundreds of years, and we will rebuild it again, only to watch it decay once more, for indeed that is its fate, as it is the fate of all of man’s works. Like Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the mountain, we will endeavor to fix the cathedral despite all empirical evidence to the contrary, in a world which demonstrates time and time again that there is nothing real to be found in worshipping the ersatz edifices that serve as a sorry facsimile of any real human connection. We expect this completely arbitrary and fundamentally meaningless process to take 10 to 15 years.” Taking a drag on a cigarette, Macron added that French officials mourned the Catholic relics and artworks lost or damaged in the blaze, even if they are “but false idols and profane images merely serving to fracture the spiritual connection one ought to devote totally to God.”
Breaking: Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair #~# WAUKESHA, WI—Noting that the unexpected purchase was completely without precedent or preamble, family sources confirmed Tuesday that mother Ellen Fogarty, 54, had evidently just spent $83.50 on an owl necklace from a stall at the Waukesha art fair. “Supposedly, it’s handcrafted, but still, Mom barely ever even wears jewelry. And since when is she so into owls?” said daughter Grace Fogarty, 19, expressing shock at her typically frugal mother’s gravitation toward and sudden purchase of a silver-plated owl pendant on a thin leather cord during their hometown’s annual Craft Bash art fair. “Maybe I would understand if the necklace were made by Somali war widows or something, but I’m pretty sure it’s just a normal lady with a basement workshop in Milwaukee. And to pay almost a hundred bucks for it? She could definitely get something similar at Chico’s for, like, $20. This is so weird. I mean, when is she even going to wear that?” Fogarty’s disbelief only intensified when her mother moved on to the next stall and scoffed at a display of $4 artisanal soaps, calling them “a total rip-off.”
Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis #~# NEW MILTON, WV—Asking whether possession of an exceptional sexual organ he was forbidden to use was perhaps a test from the Lord, local Roman Catholic priest Russell Calhoun reportedly lamented Tuesday the fact that God cursed him with an incredible penis. “Why, oh, why would the Lord demand chastity of a man upon whom He has bestowed this magnificent, perfectly sculpted cock?” Calhoun said as he questioned why God, in His infinite wisdom, had called such an exquisitely hung man to the priesthood, thereby requiring him to cloister away 10 inches of spectacular phallus that could otherwise be used to bring untold sexual pleasure to others. “It seems selfish to hide away a gift like this magnificent dong and not share it with the world, but I must trust that it is all part of God’s plan. Much like Jonah and his power of prophecy, my blessing is also my burden, for I would surely be deep-dickin’ untold numbers of men and women right now were it not for the strictures of my vocation.” At press time, sources confirmed Father Calhoun was taking solace in the fact that, if nothing else, at least several of his church’s altar boys were blessed with the opportunity to gaze upon his sublime penis once a week.
Porn Video With Unfamiliar Acronym In Title Deemed Too Risky To Click On #~# NORTH PLATTE, NE—Cautious of ruining his session by stumbling upon sexual activity ranging from  possibly disturbing to actually illegal, local man Stephen Baretta decided Tuesday that a pornographic video featuring an unfamiliar acronym in its title was ultimately too much of a risk to click on. “I’ve never seen XTPF before, and believe me, I’m on here quite a bit, so I it’s best to just steer clear,” said Baretta, who admitted to venturing a few guesses based on the video’s thumbnail and elected not to test his theories “since it’s not like you can unsee things afterwards.” “I’ve seen some pretty weird shit, but still, I wouldn’t want to go down any really dark rabbit holes, especially since I stumbled into finding out about CBT last month. Seriously, when I think of just the possible fucked-up Japanese shit alone, I’m way better off not knowing.” After finding himself too jaded to achieve satisfaction from his usual videos, Baretta was reportedly facing a minimum of three years in federal prison and possible extradition to Finland.
‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released #~# Lucasfilm has released the first trailer for the ninth chapter in the Star Wars saga, which confirms that it will be subtitled The Rise Of Skywalker. What do you think? 
Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is #~# WASHINGTON—Releasing thousands of confidential pages detailing the operational excellence at every level, a suspicious new dump of WikiLeaks documents Monday exposed just how totally awesome and trustworthy the U.S. government is. According to the lengthy set of government cables emailed to dozens of world news organizations simultaneously along with a five-gigabyte zip attachment entitled “U-S-A! U-S-A!,” the federal government of the United States and its representatives have been absolutely “killing it” for close to 50 years. Several of the files reportedly included exhaustive, confidential lists of CIA performance reviews in which every single one of the intelligence agency’s 21,575 employees received an exemplary “check-plus” rating further punctuated by three fire emojis. Many of the 450,000 pages, dropped just hours after the arrest of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, were written entirely in all caps and revealed a trove of information detailing a bunch of really cool, fun, and honest officials who acted as consummate professionals. A sole redacted section reportedly pertained to the Department Of Defense, revealing that Pentagon officials were a bunch of chill, blameless dudes trying their best to make the world a better place. At press time, a Department of Justice spokesperson confirmed that the document dump was completely thorough, exonerated Assange of all charges, and that the WikiLeaks founder was free to return home to the Ecuadorian embassy.
Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic #~# PARIS—Responding just minutes after the 12th-century Catholic monument caught fire, Jesus Christ, The King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was reportedly pushing past Parisian firefighters Monday to run into a burning Notre Dame de Paris and save a beloved relic. “My crown! My crown! Get out of my way—my Crown of Thorns is in there! Move! Move! Move!” said Christ, who dipped His Holy Robes in a baptismal font, covered His nose and mouth with the wet fabric, and sprinted towards His treasured artifact. “All I see are these fucking Last Judgment sculptures and a bunch of bullshit stones from the Church of the Holy Sepulchre! No! Where is my crown of thorns? Where’s my fucking crown of thorns?” At press time, our Lord and Savior was seen on the roof of the burning cathedral, cradling the cherished relic in his arms.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple #~# NEW YORK—Honoring the publication for its high standard of journalistic excellence, the Pulitzer Prize Board announced Monday that Us Weekly had received its highest award for outstanding achievement in the photoshopping of a rip between a divorced celebrity couple. “Since its inception in 1977, Us Weekly has been a pioneer in inserting an imaginary tear between two famous people separating, and today, they receive the recognition they so richly deserve,” said administrator Dana Canedy, telling reporters that the publication had consistently risen above the competition with its willingness to photoshop even more jagged edges onto the photo of married stars calling it quits. “Us Weekly’s work has been consistently impressive, but the awards committee was particularly struck by the publication’s coverage of the 2018 divorce between Chris Pratt and Anna Farris, which included each member of the couple facing a different direction, and a large caption reading ‘Splitsville!’ in red bubble letters. At its best, journalism not only informs readers, but crafts a compelling narrative, and the evocative, haunting imagery of those two former love birds saying goodbye to married life will be with us for decades.” Canedy noted that this would be the second recent high-profile win for Us Weekly following last year’s Peabody Award for its multi-part investigative series on who wore it best.
Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities #~# President Trump revealed his administration is “giving strong considerations” to a plan to release migrants into so-called sanctuary cities. What do you think?
Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug #~# HINSDALE, IL—Moments after wrestling the Switch controller from Dylan Wheeler’s hands and pushing the child towards the door of the intensive care unit, Wheeler’s parents mollified the 9-year-old Monday by promising him that he could go right back to playing video games once he had given his dying grandfather one last hug. “Just give Grampa a little hug, and maybe even a kiss, and you can go straight back to Splatoon. Can you do that for me, Dylan?” said Cyndi Wheeler, 39, stressing to her son that the simple gesture would mean “a whole bunch” to her ailing father, who, despite being rendered nearly insensate by painkillers, had repeatedly and tearfully communicated his desire to see his only grandson one last time. “It’ll only take a second, honey. All I need you to do—Dylan, I need you to listen to me now—all I need you to do is say ‘bye-bye’ and do a both-arms hug while counting to three like we practiced.” Sources close to the Wheelers claim the third-grader spent his grandfather’s last moment on Earth wondering what McDonald’s treat he would be rewarded with on the drive home.
Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ #~# WASHINGTON—In a scathing attack on the very foundations of democracy and everything the United States stands for, Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) disrespectfully referred Monday to America, the land of the free and the home of the brave, as “a place.” “It’s unconscionable to think that this so-called American would use a vile term like ‘place’ to describe the shining city upon a hill without so much as mentioning its spacious skies or amber waves of grain,” said Maryland resident Greg Blankford, echoing the sentiments of the 327 million patriots condemning the freshman congresswoman’s characterization of the nation as “a location” as anti-Christian, anti-Semitic, and anti-American. “Maybe to her it’s just a country, but to the rest of us, it’s a country whose brave soldiers died to protect our freedom. At no point did she even try to correct her mistake by saying the word ‘troops’ or saluting the nearest flag and crying. What a monster.” At press time, Americans across the country demanded that Omar apologize by dressing from head to toe in patriotic American flag clothing, pulling out a fife, and performing a stirring rendition of “Yankee Doodle.”
Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking #~# BOSTON—Expressing deep disappointment as their beloved series begins to come to a long-awaited conclusion, crestfallen Game Of Thrones fans reported Monday their realization that the show is never going to show dragons fucking. “I’ve put hundreds of hours of my life into this series, and now it seems it’s all been a waste,” said self-described Song Of Ice And Fire “superfan” Aaron Tremaine, 31, recounting how his initial excitement at the beginning of each new season shifted to sadness after being repeatedly deprived of steamy dragon-on-dragon sex. “Of course, I didn’t expect it to happen in the very first scene of the pilot, but I figured it had to happen eventually. They spent so many episodes building up the whole ‘will-they-won’t-they’ tension with Drogon and Rhaegal, and now it seems like it’s never going to pay off. It’s devastating, especially as I’m told it’s such a big part of the books.” Tremaine, like many fans of the show, remains optimistic that the final episodes may include some dragon oral sex or “at least some claw stuff.”
Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting #~# CHICAGO—As she fielded seemingly innocuous questions about her work schedule and childhood history with pets, local woman Daphne Horschel appeared oblivious to the fact that her neighbor, Brooks Tiller, was carefully grooming her for cat-sitting, apartment sources confirmed Monday. “You work from home, right? It must be nice having that flexibility,” Tiller said to Horschel, who reportedly had no idea their polite banter and a recent invitation to a dinner party were all steps in a clandestine vetting procedure being carried out to determine if she would be a willing and reliable cat-sitter. “Uh-oh, look who came out to say hello. Snuggles is usually pretty shy, so he must really like you!” At press time, reports indicated Horschel had thanked Tiller for a plate of baked goods that were part of an elaborate stratagem designed to build just enough goodwill so that she would feel obligated to take care of his cat next weekend.
Julian Assange Arrested In London #~# WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was arrested Thursday for charges related to his role leaking U.S. secrets in 2010. What do you think?
Lockheed Martin Executive Fondly Recalls Humble Beginning Dealing Arms Out Of Back Of Chrysler LeBaron #~# BETHESDA, MD—Waxing nostalgic about his early days driving around the Eastern seaboard “with a trunk full of Stinger heat-seeking missiles and a head full of dreams,” Lockheed Martin Vice President of International Sales Robert Fitzpatrick spent much of a Friday business lunch recounting his humble beginning dealing arms out of the back of his Chrysler LeBaron. “In the beginning, I just kept that old heap idling outside a Miami Stop & Shop waiting for an aspiring potential warlord to pass by,” said Fitzpatrick, who was eventually recruited by the defense contractor after the higher-ups at Lockheed took notice of the sheer volume of man-portable air-defense systems sold out of Fitzpatrick’s trunk. “I remember I used to sleep in that stupid car with all my inventory. Sure, it was tough, but at that point, you’re just doing it for the love of selling weapons. I set my own schedule, I set my own prices, and I didn’t have to answer to anybody or give lobbyists a cut. All the cash went straight into my pockets. Man, those were the days.” Fitzpatrick credits the flexible attitudes and quick-thinking skills he learned peddling instruments of death for his ability to broker shady arms deals between the U.S. government and foreign powers today.
Nation Admits They Only Care About Freedom Of Speech For Imparting Information About ‘Star Wars’ Shit #~# LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that a democracy must guarantee its people the right to openly discuss the fact that Episode 9 will be titled The Rise Of Skywalker without fear of censorship, the nation admitted Friday that they only care about free speech for imparting details about Star Wars shit. “The Bill of Rights guarantees Americans the freedom to assemble, namely at Comic-Con, and the freedom to speak, ideally during a Q&A panel with J.J. Abrams or George Lucas where we maybe even get to see a little teaser footage,” said Cleveland resident Doug Mandeville, 51, echoing a populace that confirmed it would fight tooth and nail to protect the First Amendment inasmuch as it applies to an individual’s right to post crap on Instagram about the upcoming Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order video game. “We owe so much to the Founding Fathers for taking such great pains to ensure we would all one day be able to go online and receive free and fair access to the film’s trailer, stills of Billy Dee Williams’ return as Lando, and information on how Rian Johnson’s vision for the franchise may have been altered. Other than that, the entire U.S. Constitution is something we could take or leave.” At press time, the nation stressed the freedom of speech does not apply to spoilers.
Media Condemns Julian Assange For Reckless Exposure Of How They Could Be Spending Their Time #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of the WikiLeaks founder’s arrest by British authorities on behalf of the U.S. for charges stemming from the publication of classified military documents in 2010, members of the American media condemned Julian Assange Friday for the reckless exposure of how they could be spending their time. “We denounce Julian Assange in the strongest possible terms for his negligence in publicly demonstrating the kinds of work journalists could actually be doing to investigate government malfeasance and hold the powerful accountable,” said Washington Post editorial page editor Fred Hiatt, speaking on behalf of many of the leading members of the media who castigated Assange for never once considering the harm that bringing rampant government criminality to light no matter the consequences could do to other news publications’ reputations. “It’s abundantly clear that Mr. Assange was focused on exposing documented evidence of U.S. war crimes in Iraq and Afghanistan without so much as a thought for the journalists who faithfully parroted the U.S. military’s talking points when we could have been investigating information that ran contrary to that narrative—does he realize how that makes us look? The fact that he’d just publish information vital to the public interest from primary sources exactly as it was written instead of working with government officials to omit the most damaging parts in exchange for keeping access channels open is simply beyond the pale. The fact that the American public now knows what we’re actually doing day to day is incredibly harmful to this nation.” Media industry leaders did, however, admit that they could probably stand to go easier on Assange where the sexual assault allegations made against him were concerned.
Duke Anthropology Professor Devastated To Learn Promising Student Dropping Out #~# DURHAM, NC—Fretting over the future of the young man he had once considered a protégé, Duke anthropology professor Edwin Greeley was reportedly devastated Friday upon learning that his most promising pupil, Zion Williamson, was dropping out of school. “Zion is one of the most engaged and thoughtful students I’ve encountered in my 30 years in academia—it’s simply a shame to watch him squander these immense gifts,” said Greeley, adding that under the right tutelage, he had no doubt that Williamson was destined to become a world-renowned anthropologist, perhaps even on par with the likes of Bronislaw Malinowski or Clifford Geertz. “He has a grip on the subtle differences between early Mesoamerican cultures that you just can’t teach. Zion was always staying after class to chat, or coming to my office hours, but now he’s throwing his life away for reasons I can’t begin to understand. I told him that we could arrange some sort of financial aid, but he just said this wasn’t the place for him. I’m afraid the loss of such a promising young academic will be devastating for the whole field. I don’t know why anyone so talented would do this.” At press time, Greeley was trying to convince the burgeoning anthropologist that a $30,000-per-year adjunct professorship was easily within reach for someone with his promise.
Benefits Of Open Office Not Extended To CEO #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Deeply saddened that one of their own was confined to such punishing solitude, employees of DigiMax Solutions expressed concern Friday that the benefits of the company’s open-office floor plan had not been extended to the media firm’s CEO, Carter Foss. “I feel so bad that he doesn’t get to enjoy the intense collaborative synergy of this work environment the way the rest of us do,” said junior developer Megan Chen, one of three dozen DigiMax employees who spends the entirety of her workday sitting within arm’s reach of her colleagues at a long, unpartitioned table, and is unable to look up from her laptop without risking a moment of awkward eye contact. “It’s hard to imagine what it must be like for him to go through his day without hearing every intimate detail of his coworkers’ lives, or allowing them to hear his. How does he even get any work done? And just think, whenever he wants to have a one-on-one conversation with someone at his desk, there’s no one around to listen except him and the person he’s talking to. That must be so terribly isolating.” A downcast Chen was later seen shaking her head as Foss closed the door of his office in order to make a routine private phone call.
William Barr Agrees To Release Nonverbal, Abstract Visual Representation Of Mueller Report #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that he would present the investigation’s findings in a format that offered the most richly detailed portrayal of its full meaning, Attorney General William Barr reportedly agreed Friday to release a nonverbal, abstract visual representation of the Mueller report. “I’m nearly done going through the special counsel’s conclusions and will be ready to deliver them in the form of a multimedia performance featuring interpretative dance, experimental music, and a variety of conceptual art installations within the next week or two,” said Barr, adding that he had already finished summarizing President Trump’s firing of James Comey in a 30-minute postmodern movement piece incorporating aerial silks and a fog machine, and had finally hit upon a suitable way to show Congress the significance of Trump’s contact with former campaign chair Paul Manafort by smearing red, white, and blue paint on the walls of a white space over a collage of slowed-down audio recorded in a slaughterhouse. “It’s clear, given the nature of the special counsel’s findings, that any summary must be issued to Congress with my voice removed, indeed artificially silenced, allowing the canvas of my body to convey the full extent of the report’s subconscious dialogues and liminal fixation on agency and the dialectic of guilt and innocence. Indeed, it is only through repeatedly assembling and disassembling a bricolage of objects such as metal pails, rusty saws, and clumps of wax that I can truly express the hidden and fluctuating tensions expressed in Mueller’s analysis of whether Trump pressured Jeff Sessions to conform to his wishes. The American people deserve to see a full performance of me lying nude and motionless on a concrete slab under a Cubist portrait of Mueller as masked, mute figures representing Donald Jr., Michael Flynn, and Michael Cohen slowly walk in circles, tearing pieces of paper and scattering them over me, every so often extemporaneously interrupting the sounds of kettle drum and lagerphone by erupting in a primal scream. Only then can Americans fully understand the truth.” Barr also clarified that in order to protect classified government intelligence, he would have to perform the part of his presentation where he wordlessly beats his chest, smears himself in glitter, and repeatedly turns on and off several televisions behind a curtain where no one can see.
Judge Sentences Lori Loughlin To 100 Hours Of Community Theater #~# LOS ANGELES—In the hopes that the experience provides a valuable lesson about adherence to the law, Judge Steve Kim responded to Lori Loughlin’s money laundering, bribery, and racketeering charges Friday by sentencing the former Full House actress to 100 hours of community theatre. “As punishment for the dishonesty, flippancy, and disregard for the law Ms. Loughlin has displayed, I’ve sentenced her to perform in a minimum of 12 different community theatre productions around the greater Los Angeles area,” said Judge Kim, who expressed his intention of sending a message to all those who believe themselves to be above the law through the actress’s mandatory court-ordered participation in small-scale productions of The Pajama Game, Oklahoma, Little Shop of Horrors, and an upcoming modern retelling of The Crucible. “Loughlin will be required to run lines with a designated sponsor to ensure she’s completely off-book for each production, and learn all necessary choreography and blocking. She will even be required to work as a grip when needed. Everyone should know what it’s like to work for weeks on a play that goes up for an audience of nine people—if Ms. Loughlin had known what was at stake, perhaps she would have thought twice about her crimes.” At press time, the judge had added an extra punishment to the sentence requiring Loughlin to also appear at the poorly attended basement cast parties following the conclusion of each production.
Mueller Report To Be Released Next Week, AG Says #~# Attorney General William Barr revealed that Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election will be released next week, saying the process of redacting sensitive or confidential information has been progressing smoothly. What do you think?
New Report Finds Amazon May Be Listening To You Through Hardcover Copies Of Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’ #~# SANTA MONICA, CA— In a shocking report certain to fuel growing privacy concerns, the advocacy group Consumer Watchdog released evidence Friday that suggests Amazon may be listening to its customers through hardcover copies of Michelle Obama’s book Becoming. “Amazon has tricked millions of consumers into believing the former first lady’s memoir is a harmless form of entertainment, when its real purpose is to obtain your personal data and sell it to marketers,” said the report’s author, Elena Gracia, who explained how cameras and microphones embedded within all 24 chapters of the number-one New York Times bestseller were capable of continuously recording everything a reader said and did within a 20-foot radius of the volume. “Even if the book has been closed and placed on a shelf, it still picks up every word of your private conversations and sends them straight to Amazon headquarters. It’s really insidious, too, because they’ve tricked people into thinking of Michelle Obama as a friend, when in reality, she’s helping Amazon make money hand over fist. If you’re one of the approximately 10 million people who has purchased a copy of Becoming, you should really consider if the potential violation of your privacy is worth it.” Gracia added that there have even been reports of a few alarming instances in which the Michelle Obama memoir has repeated her readers’ private conversations back to them verbatim.
Plant-Based Meat Vs. Lab-Grown Meat #~# For those seeking to eat less actual meat for health or ethical reasons but still wanting to experience the taste of meat, plant-based meat substitutes and meat grown in a lab can offer alternatives. The Onion breaks down the differences between plant-based meat and lab-grown meat.
Christian Bale Loses 40 Years For Upcoming Movie Role #~# LOS ANGELES—Committing to a strict age-reduction diet and infantilizing exercise regimen in preparation for the role, infamously dedicated method actor Christian Bale revealed Friday that he lost 40 years in order to portray 5-year-old composer prodigy Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart in the prestige historical drama Wunderkind. “I knew it would be physically taxing, and possibly even dangerous, to do something like this, but my age-regression trainers are the absolute best and saw to it that I never shed more than 10 years in a given week,” said the Oscar-winning actor and functional kindergartener who worked with speech pathologists and physical therapists to degrade his verbal and motor skills, respectively. “When I signed up to play a young Mozart, I knew I’d have to immerse myself in the role. I was able to drop the first few decades pretty quickly, actually, but I plateaued hard around 15, and those last 10 years were a bit of a slog. We’re still in production right now, but my next role sees me playing the wizard Merlin, so I’ll have to pack on another 180 years soon. Going through puberty again will be an ordeal, I’m sure, but with any luck, I’ll be legal drinking age in time for the Wunderkind wrap party.” Sources involved with production on Wunderkind said the project is dangerously over budget and will likely shut down over a lack of funding.
First Image Of Black Hole Released #~# Scientists from the Event Horizon Telescope Collaboration released the first-ever image of a black hole in a galaxy known as M87, showing the long-theorized superdense feature of spacetime by harnessing the power of eight radio telescopes around the world. What do you think?
Ecuadorian Embassy Runs Ad Seeking ‘No Drama’ Tenant For Newly Vacant Room #~# LONDON—In an effort to find an occupant who doesn’t “bring the party home,” officials at the Ecuadorian embassy in London ran an ad Thursday on several local flat-sharing websites seeking a “no drama” tenant for a newly vacant room. “We’re looking for someone who can get along with a diverse group of foreign government dignitaries,” read the ad in part, noting that the ideal roommate to fill the vacancy in the spacious multi-story home located in the quiet Kensington neighborhood would keep regular hours and not spend all their time in the apartment. “You must have a steady job and pay rent on time—this is non-negotiable due to past issues we’ve had. Guests are okay, but if you’re constantly having over girlfriends, boyfriends, journalists, or activists, this is not the place for you.” The ad requested that all interested parties attend the embassy’s Saturday open house and be prepared with at least two past-roommate references and a security deposit of two months’ rent.
Lightning Bolt Blasts Washington Monument As Mike Pence, Pete Buttigieg Locked In Battle Of Prayers On National Mall #~# WASHINGTON—Peering into the darkened sky as 200-mph winds began to whip around them, several eyewitnesses confirmed Thursday that a lightning bolt blasted off the top of the Washington Monument while Mike Pence and Pete Buttigieg were locked in a battle of prayers on the National Mall. According to onlookers, the current vice president and mayor of South Bend, IN could be seen kneeling on the ground with their hands folded, deep in prayer, at which point Mike Pence whispered that “Mr. Buttigieg knows better than to question my faith,” causing the sky to turn black, the water in the Reflecting Pool to part, and the two men to slowly levitate several feet above the ground. As the temperature dropped and the earth burst open below them, witnesses confirmed that Buttigieg’s eyes turned red, and the presidential candidate shouted, “If you have a problem with me, you have a problem with my maker,” immediately flinging Mr. Pence backwards into the Vietnam War Memorial with an eruption of psychic energy. At press time, Pence and Buttigieg reportedly fused into a single, blindingly white light as countless angels swirled around them from the heavens, only to plummet back to the ground below and lay unconscious while the sky opened up, birds began to chirp, and daylight returned to normal.
Cackling Julian Assange Disintegrates Into Lines Of Code As Baffled Authorities Attempt To Handcuff Him #~# LONDON—Quickly contorting his hands to type into a faint keyboard embedded in his wrist, a cackling Julian Assange reportedly disintegrated into lines of computer code Thursday as baffled authorities attempted to handcuff him. “You fools, I have become more powerful than you can possibly know—the truth cannot be contained,” said Assange, the handcuffs falling through the evaporating lines of ones and zeros and clattering on the ground as the code split and flowed into nearby electronic devices, stunning British law enforcement who watched the WikiLeaks co-founder’s face suddenly appear on every screen to taunt them. “I am one with the digisphere, the world’s governments can never control me now. I have left your simple world behind and become something greater. No prison will ever hold me. Information will remain free forever!” At press time, the Trump administration demanded that cyberspace officials immediately extradite Julian Assange.
Bird Reflects On Frailty, Impermanence Of Life After Finding Dead Human On Sidewalk #~# PITTSBURGH—Alighting on the concrete to study the colorful but lifeless body, a sparrow reflected on the fragile and fleeting nature of life Thursday after coming across a dead human on the sidewalk. “Looking at it, so still and delicate, lying there on the ground, it just reminds you that each and every one of us has but a short time to spend on this Earth,” said the migratory grassland insectivore, admitting he didn’t usually take time to think about the nature of mortality, but that seeing a lifeless human sprawled on a sidewalk, on a lawn, or even rebounding limply from the windshield of a passing car, was enough to make anyone stop and think. “The poor thing. Sad that it probably died all alone. Life really is all the more precious for being temporary, you know? I’m just glad my species abandons its fledglings after roughly 20 days—I’d hate to have to talk to my kids about this.” At press time, the common raven to whom the sparrow had been speaking noted that the dead human’s eyes were delicious.
Mario Batali Reduced To Selling Bowl Of Ravioli On Craigslist #~# NEW YORK—Living in virtual exile from the world of fine dining after multiple allegations of sexual abuse came to light, embattled chef Mario Batali has been reduced to preparing and selling a large bowl of beet and ricotta ravioli on Craigslist, sources confirmed Thursday. “He’s selling a single serving homemade ravioli in his famous all’Amatriciana sauce for, like, eight bucks—there’s no way he’s breaking even on this,” said English teacher Morgan Welles, one of many Brooklyn residents who has noticed Batali’s recent, repeated posts in the food discussion forum of Brooklyn’s Craigslist. “I emailed him just asking for the recipe and he immediately responded, saying that if I Venmo’d him while the ravioli was still hot he could throw in the bowl and utensils pictured for free. He said he’d even drop it by my apartment. It was kind of a downer, really. I had to turn off my phone. He keeps texting me to ask if I can pay him in all singles.” Batali later added to his Craiglist post, offering to sell the wood table on which the bowl of ravioli was displayed for an extra 20 bucks. 
Burger King Releases Meatless ‘Impossible Whopper’ #~# In an effort to attract vegetarian customers, Burger King is now selling a meatless Whopper at many of their franchises using the soy-based Impossible Burger. What do you think?
Lonzo Ball Chooses CAA To Represent Him As Father #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling the decision to part ways with his current paternal figure “difficult but necessary,” Lakers guard Lonzo Ball announced Thursday that he had chosen CAA to represent him as a father. “I met with several suitors, but I really feel like CAA’s integrity and clear commitment to my well-being proved to be the strongest candidate to act as my father moving forward,” said the 21-year-old, who clarified that the talent and sports agency, which is now his legal kin, would be taking over all holiday roles, including buying birthday gifts and carving the turkey on Thanksgiving. “While I certainly appreciate my former father, he was oftentimes unprofessional, and I think it was time for a change of paternity. I honestly couldn’t ask for a better match. CAA is caring and compassionate, but will also defend me with a firm hand, and I know for sure they have my best interests at heart. I can’t wait for them to meet my girlfriend and see the love in their eyes when they meet their new granddaughter.” At press time, Ball had taken to social media to share a picture of him and CAA on a family vacation at a beachside resort in Punta Cana. 
NRA Criticizes Video Game Makers For Downplaying Portrayal Of Euphoric Rush Felt Watching Light Leave Enemy’s Eyes #~# FAIRFAX, VA—In a stern rebuke of the under-glorification of violence they claim is often presented to impressionable young video game players, the National Rifle Association issued a statement Thursday upbraiding video game creators for downplaying, understating, and on occasion blatantly mocking the exhilarating rush felt by firearms enthusiasts while watching the light leave an enemy’s eyes. “We cannot abide these companies’ heinous abdication of their responsibility to convey that exquisite, godlike euphoria which overcomes gun owners after blowing someone away with a semiautomatic rifle,” said NRA spokeswoman Dana Loesch, harshly reprimanding several prominent video game manufacturers including Ubisoft, Rockstar, and EA Games for their refusal to accurately depict the all-consuming torrent of potency arising from inflicting gunshot wounds. “It’s completely inexplicable, let alone inexcusable, that so many young American gamers are falsely led to believe that shooting another human is an ordinary, mundane act. By depriving players of their constitutionally guaranteed right to exult in the transfiguring power of watching a person’s soul torn from their body by a storm of lead, these game makers trivialize a crucial part of the firearm experience.” Loesch concluded the statement by urging video game companies to, at minimum, preface their games with a disclaimer informing potential consumers that gun deaths depicted during gameplay are far less awesome than those inflicted in real life.
New York City Declares Emergency Over Measles Outbreak #~# New York City mayor Bill de Blasio declared a public health emergency in a heavily Orthodox Jewish section of Brooklyn after dozens were hospitalized due to a lack of vaccinations. What do you think?
Majority Of Americans Voice Support For Bernie Sanders After Learning He’s A Millionaire #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they are now convinced the candidate is overwhelmingly qualified to lead the country, a majority of Americans have shifted their support to Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) in the 2020 presidential race since learning he is a millionaire, a Pew Research Center poll found Wednesday. “I have my reservations about his policies, but if the guy’s a millionaire, he must know what he’s doing,” said Cleveland-area voter Glenn Mannix, 48, echoing the sentiments of 68% of the voting populace, who were reportedly impressed upon discovering the royalties Sanders has earned on sales of his books has pushed his net worth to seven figures. “Anyone who’s smart enough to make a million dollars has got to have some pretty great ideas about how to move our country in the right direction. You don’t get to be that rich and successful without having a really good head on your shoulders. The man has my vote!” According to the poll, the remaining 32% of voters agree with all of Sanders’ policies, but said they cannot bring themselves to cast their ballot for someone who owns three homes.
Steve Ballmer Rewards Playoff-Bound Clippers With Complimentary Microsoft Office Upgrades #~# LOS ANGELES—Claiming their heart and determination in making the playoffs had earned them a benefits package that included both Microsoft Access and Publisher, Clippers owner Steve Ballmer rewarded the team Wednesday with complementary Office Suite upgrades. “This team defied expectations all year, and I can’t think of a better way to honor them than with the most powerful office and productivity tools on the market,” said the former Microsoft CEO at a press conference, clarifying that players would also received Office Insider accounts, which offer early access to product updates and a direct line of communication to the development team. “This is the full Office 365 Home package, that’s a $99 value, and they deserve every cent. It’s the least I can do after the kind of season they had. This is a special group of guys who deserve premium features, whether it’s a word processor that can save files in any conceivable format or a note-taking app that can easily convert handwriting into text.” Ballmer added that if the Clippers win the NBA championship, their contracts guaranteed them a bonus of brand-new, Windows-equipped Dell desktops.
Family Of Congressman Glad He Finally Found Outlet For His Racism #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing relief that the Republican can finally channel his long-held bigotry into wide-reaching legislative action, family of Texas congressman Louie Gohmert told reporters Wednesday they were glad he finally found an outlet for his racism. “It’s always hard to see someone you love wander aimlessly, which is why we were all so relieved when our Lou found a nice little community of white men his age in the U.S. House of Representatives who believe in their genetic superiority just like him,” said wife Kathy Gohmert, adding that she’s proud her three children could see their father deal with all his prejudices in a healthy way by putting those beliefs into fear-mongering and policymaking. “All his potential was going to waste, so it was a real joy for us when it finally contributed to something real, like using yesterday’s hearings to discredit the legitimate, well-documented threat of white nationalism. It was a long journey to get here, but ever since the Birther movement, his conspiracy theories about Middle East terror babies, and the paranoia he spread about the Muslim Brotherhood, he’s just been so, so much happier.” Family members added that they haven’t seen Gohmert this happy since he was threatening the well-being of minorities as a state district judge.
Big Tech Companies With Government Contracts #~# Tech companies like Google, Microsoft, and Amazon are becoming increasingly involved with government projects, particularly the military, landing lucrative contracts and in some cases causing employees to protest their company’s partnerships. The Onion takes a look at some of the most prominent big tech companies with government contracts.
UN Unveils Design For Floating City For 10,000 People #~# Utilizing a design made from hexagonal floating platforms, a consortium from the United Nations unveiled a design that they say could solve problems related to climate change by housing up to 10,000 residents while providing autonomous fresh water, shelter, and heat. What do you think?
Bryce Harper Informs Phillies GM Of 2-Week Vacation In August He’d Planned Before Getting Job #~# PHILADELPHIA—Worried that he should have warned them about the trip during contract negotiations, Bryce Harper told Philadelphia Phillies general manager Matt Klentak Wednesday that he would be missing two weeks in the middle of August for a vacation he had planned before joining the team. “It’s tough because I already got plane tickets, which are pretty expensive, not to mention the eight-day cruise around the Cayman Islands. There’s just no way I can back out now,” said Harper, claiming he had booked the trip weeks before signing a 13-year, $300-million contract with the team after finding a deal on Priceline that was too good to pass up. “We already booked a scuba diving excursion and put down a deposit for a beach cabana. I hate to put them in a tough spot like this, but I didn’t really know if I was going to be signing with anybody this year when I made all the travel arrangements. My family is so excited about the trip, it would kill them if I had to back out. Things like this just happen sometimes, but I’m sure they’ll find a temp who can fill in for me.” At press time, Harper was telling the team he was excited to start in June after returning from rehab for his offseason ACL tear.
Methane Found On Mars #~# The European Space Agency’s Mars Express rover found that methane on the red planet could be traced to the planet’s Gale Crater, suggesting a spot astronauts could eventually explore to find water and underground canals. What do you think?
Report: Most Americans Have Fewer Than 5 Hobbies Saved For Retirement #~# WASHINGTON—Encouraging those in their twenties to invest their time into extra leisure activities such as bocce ball every month, a new report revealed Tuesday that a majority of Americans have fewer than five hobbies saved up for retirement. “After working life ends, an individual needs, on average, 10 hobbies to live comfortably and meaningfully. However, according to our findings, roughly two-thirds of all U.S. citizens reach age 65 with only gardening, basic woodworking, and card games to fill their hours,” said lead researcher Robert Wallach, noting that many retirees find themselves exhausting the potential of their activities within the first five years, ultimately making do with walks in the park, stilted phone calls to friends, and miscellaneous unguided puttering. “Unfortunately, what happens is that young people tend to overestimate their side-interest-management skills while simultaneously underestimating their importance, and as a result are left with barely anything to do in their golden years beyond reading. This is, of course, nowhere near enough for the average American to get by on, which is why we recommend putting your resources into, say, fishing and painting as early as possible.” The report also suggested that retirees often found themselves in short supply of hobbies due in part to the American tendency to blow through everything they deem interesting during their twenties and thirties.
Netanyahu Vows To Clog The Rivers With Skulls Of His Enemies In Last-Minute Push To Win Over Undecided Voters #~# TEL AVIV, ISRAEL—Hoping the election day message would broaden his appeal in a close race, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu vowed to clog the rivers and seas with the skulls of his enemies Tuesday in a last-minute push for undecided voters. “All who dare stand before me will be trampled and ground to dust, the fields will be fertilized with the blood of the innocent,” said Netanyahu, who campaign advisors revealed had carefully tailored his statement about dancing on the graves of his foes to allay the concerns of some independent voters. “There is no escape from the raging fire that will consume those who questioned me. The stacks of rotting corpses will blot out the sun. All will perish, all will burn, ruin and pestilence for a thousand years. This is the future I promise every young Israeli.” At press time, the majority of undecided Israeli voters said they were impressed with Netanyahu’s toned-down rhetoric.
Confused Zoo Officials Awkwardly Celebrate After Endangered Panda Gives Birth To Healthy Northern White Rhino #~# WASHINGTON—Hailing the birth as “probably a huge step forward for wildlife preservation,” officials at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo participated in an awkward celebration Tuesday after Xiang Bao, the zoo’s female endangered giant panda, gave birth to Casper, a healthy 73-pound baby northern white rhinoceros. “Xiang Bao had been struggling to conceive, and only about 50 white rhinos still survive, so this is great news, we think,” rapidly blinking senior curator Bryan Amaral said in a press conference following the culmination of the closely followed panda pregnancy, emphasizing that, despite the unusual circumstances, the rhino calf was perfectly fine. “Both animals appear to be in excellent health, and Casper is taking to his environment nicely. This is definitely great for northern white rhinos, and probably doesn’t hurt pandas either, and although we’re having the sort of issues with nursing that you might expect, I think we can just go ahead and chalk this up as a ‘W.’” In recent developments, zoo personnel was intrigued to find Panda Cam footage confirming Xiang Bao conceived the rhino with Big Wendy, the zoo’s 160-year-old female Galápagos tortoise.
Cats Can Recognize Their Own Names, Study Finds #~# Researchers have found that felines can pick out their own names in a string of words, adding them to the list of other animals, including dogs, dolphins, and parrots that can understand human vocalization. What do you think?
Activists Petition Cupcake Kingdom To Address Adorable Housing Crisis #~# CUPCAKE KINGDOM—Describing what they termed “an acute problem of uncute proportions” in dramatically tart and unleavened terms, a coalition of activists gathered Tuesday to present the Cupcake Kingdom with a petition demanding they address the ongoing adorable housing crisis. “I’m not going to sugar-coat this problem,” said prominent ice-cream-social-justice activist Mahatma Candy, presenting the petition and its 25,000 frosting signatures to Judge Fudge, Cupcake Kingdom’s Minister of Gingerbread Housing and Bonbon Development. “The fondant fathers tell us those who fail to learn the lessons of the pastry are condemned to reheat it, and therefore, we must never dessert our less fortunate citizens. Due to the currant turnover, a generous portion have been marmalade off and face a rocky road to recovery; as it stands, the cost to house a family of petit-four is beyond all but the richest. The Cupcake Kingdom must bake room for everyone, yet King Cupcake’s tariffs on sugar, spice, and everything nice are especially hard on working women and single mothers. I beg you, sir: Doughnut glaze over this issue.” Though Fudge would not commit to raising the dough at press time, he praised everyone who signed the petition for having the courage of their confections.
Trump Vows Extensive Search To Find New DHS Director With Ideal Personality Disorders #~# WASHINGTON—Following the announcement that Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen was leaving her post, President Trump told reporters Monday he would conduct an extensive search to find a replacement with the right personality disorders necessary for the role. “Though I admired Kirstjen’s ability to remain cold and detached when questioned about the decision to tear apart families at the border, we require someone with an even greater lack of empathy to do this job properly,” said the president, who praised Nielsen for putting children in cages but explained that the ideal candidate for the position must possess a degree of psychopathy so severe that they believe no law or moral code of any kind applies to them. “The next person to head the department must be blessed with strong narcissistic tendencies, of course, but also a consistent record of profoundly antisocial behavior. We need someone both spiteful and cruel, but also willing to totally disregard right and wrong. Basically, the new secretary will need to have a psychological makeup that allows them to look people in the eye and tell them, without hesitation, that we don’t want any non-Americans entering the United States unless they’re coming from one of a very limited group of countries in northern Europe.” At press time, a team of psychiatrists had reportedly presented the president with a stack of résumés that consisted solely of individuals housed in supermax prisons and White House senior adviser Stephen Miller.
Kirstjen Nielsen Reminds Herself She A Private Citizen Now After Instinctively Detaining Mexican Child On The Street #~# WASHINGTON—Reminding herself that “old habits die hard” before letting the 6-year-old out of her trunk, Kirstjen Nielsen admitted Monday that she momentarily forgot she was a private citizen after instinctively detaining a Mexican child on the street. “Oh, Kirstjen, you silly goose—you don’t have the authority to ask people for their papers anymore, let alone arrest them!” said the former secretary of the Department of Homeland Security as she helped the terrified young boy out of her car, unlocked his handcuffs, and admonished herself for letting work creep in just one day after she resigned from the government. “As much as you want it to be, enforcing the family separation policy just isn’t your job anymore. So the next time you see a Mexican family in a parking lot, don’t immediately wrestle the mother to the ground, spit on her face, and tell her that she’ll never see her dirty son again. That’s someone else’s battle now.” At press time, Nielsen took several deep breaths, told herself it was time to move on, and immediately called ICE on the boy and his family.
Telemundo Continues Winning Streak With Incomparable Lineup Of High-Quality Scripted Programs, Award-Winning Journalism #~# MIAMI—Boasting an array of excellent programs from drama and sports to news and talk that other companies can only dream of, media giant Telemundo continued their winning streak Monday with its incomparable lineup of high-quality scripted shows and award-winning journalism. “With its soaring ratings, commitment to putting out only the best product, and clearly defined vision for the future, Telemundo remains unrivaled in the Spanish-language market,” said media analyst Brett Conover, detailing consumer surveys that consistently show Telemundo was the most trusted and popular Spanish broadcaster among every major demographic in America. “Leadership at Telemundo is universally respected as thought leaders in their field, their employees’ satisfaction levels are off the charts, and the name Telemundo is synonymous with quality and vision. From the Emmy-winning investigative program Noticias Telemundo to beloved shows like La Reina Del Sur, Telemundo is set to dominate the market for the next decade. They are truly the Hispanic heartbeat of America.” At press time, Telemundo chairman Cesar Conde had won yet another humanitarian award for his work with disabled children and improving education access for underprivileged Hispanics.
E-Cigarette Users Reporting Having Seizures To FDA #~# The Food and Drug Administration has made a special announcement noting dozens of e-cigarette users having seizures connected to their use of the devices. What do you think?”
ISIS Adds Few Violent White Supremacists In Bid To Get U.S. To Rescind Terrorist Designation #~# IDLIB, SYRIA—Explaining that they hoped the personnel changes would enable the organization to avoid the State Department’s scrutiny, ISIS leaders announced Monday that they had added a few violent white supremacists to the group in a bid to get the U.S. to rescind its designation of ISIS as terrorists. “Being branded a terrorist organization has really made it difficult for ISIS to operate, so we’re pleased to introduce several members of racist white militia groups considered to be safe, respectable, and law-abiding in the eyes of the U.S. government,” said ISIS spokesman Abu Hassan al-Muhajir in a video released by the organization, adding that he would go so far as to label the white supremacists “the new face of ISIS.” “We know we have a checkered past as far as America is concerned, but we hope bringing in members of white hate groups with documented histories of death threats and violence will prompt the State Department to view us in a new light. We expect this to be a fruitful collaboration, as we actually have a lot in common, and it turns out they have many more guns than we do. We anticipate the U.S. will extend to us the same understanding and support they offer to their own sectarian racial supremacists.” At press time, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo announced that ISIS was no longer officially considered a terrorist organization based on their members’ newfound strong support for President Trump. 
Study Finds They Just Don’t Make ’Em Like Ginger Rogers Anymore #~# LOS ANGELES—Confirming the widely held theory that, hoo boy, that dame sure is somethin’, a study released Monday by researchers at UCLA found that they just don’t make ‘em like Ginger Rogers anymore. “After an exhaustive five-year survey of thousands of little numbers who may be real firecrackers but ain’t even a patch on Ginger Rogers, we concluded that there’s no two ways about it: That twinkle-toed little pigeon must be the finest damn thing to ever strut her stuff on the silver screen,” said lead author Dr. Alan Grayson, adding that their data suggest God really broke the mold with Ginger Rogers and, moreover, that any square from Delaware would flip his wig seeing them gams of hers in Kitty Foyle. “We found, furthermore, that whether she’s cutting some rug in Swing Time and Flying Down To Rio or breaking hearts in Top Hat, there’s just no game Ginger Rogers can’t ace. In short, Ginger Rogers is a once-in-a-millennium talent and not since Harlow has Hollywood  seen a star of her caliber, if you’re pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down, brother.” Grayson also noted that the survey conclusively proved Fred Astaire was one three-times-lucky sum’bitch.
Trump Expected To Name Herman Cain To Fed Board #~# President Trump told confidantes that he hopes to place Herman Cain on the Federal Reserve Board, elevating the failed 2012 GOP hopeful and former Godfather’s Pizza CEO to the Fed, but will wait until his background check is completed. What do you think?
Aunt Somehow Got Married, Divorced Twice Since Last Time Nephew Saw Her #~# DULUTH, MN—Remarking on their relative’s unusually eventful romantic life, nephews and nieces of Janine Harrison, 48, confirmed Monday that their aunt managed to somehow both marry and divorce two separate times since the last time they had seen her. “I don’t think it’s been that long—five years at the outside—but it seems Aunt Janine has been through a lot,” said Peter Miles, youngest son of Janine’s brother Harold, struggling to work through the most probable mental timeline of his aunt’s recent relationships. “So, the last time I saw her she was still engaged to that surf-shop owner, Tony something-or-other, but they had been fighting a lot, so I’m not really too surprised they eventually divorced. Apparently, she also has some ex-husband named Lazlo now; their relationship went south after his skydiving academy went belly-up and she got custody of their German shepherd. I thought there was also a random goateed guy somewhere in there, marine salvage broker, name escapes me, not that it’s really important since it seems he was some sort of side piece. You have to admit it’s impressive she’s able to move on so quickly.” Miles later received a call from his cousin informing him that their aunt was three weeks into planning a Costa Rican destination wedding with Glen, a previously unheard-of classical guitarist and restaurateur.
Tom Izzo Calls 2019 Spartans Best Team He’s Ever Threatened With Violence #~# MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Crediting his players for being wise enough to do what’s best for their health, Michigan State head coach Tom Izzo told reporters Saturday that this Spartans team was the best he’s ever threatened with violence. “In my 20-plus years at East Lansing, I’ve had the privilege of threatening to pummel some incredible players, but none of them have ever responded to my murderous rants like these guys,” said Izzo, who showered praise on the team for winning the Big 10 tournament, so he didn’t have to follow through on his promise to “choke them out” if they lost. “Whether I’m browbeating them at practice or vowing to kill their parents if they don’t get back on defense, I just know these guys are going to give it their all. I’ve promised to cut up amazing players from Jason Richardson to Denzel Valentine, but seeing how these guys play defense after I threaten to run them over with my car is truly something special.” At press time, Izzo enlisted the help of Spartan alum Draymond Green to give the team a motivational death threat before their Final Four game against Texas Tech. 
Shocked ‘Our Planet’ Viewers Watch As David Attenborough Enters Scene To Break Neck Of Starving Polar Bear #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Left aghast at a segment depicting the cruel realities of life in the Arctic wilderness, viewers of the new Netflix docuseries Our Planet were reportedly shocked Friday to witness narrator David Attenborough step into the frame to break the neck of a starving polar bear. “The scene was about a mama polar bear looking for food, and then, all of a sudden, the music stops and you hear David Attenborough yelling, ‘Someone needs to put her down!’” said viewer Chris Dorff, who expressed his utter bafflement at watching the 92-year-old Attenborough pin down a feeble, emaciated polar bear and brutally snap her head around 180 degrees, after which the camera cuts to unrelated footage of Canada geese. “He held the dying bear in his arms and whispered, ‘Easy, girl,’ over and over, telling her she wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. Then, he looked at the camera and started talking about how we are all part of one planet, and some things must die so that others may live. It was pretty intense.” Sources confirmed the episode’s credits roll over a shot of Attenborough standing on the deck of a boat harpooning diseased narwhals.
House Democrats Formally Request Trump’s Tax Returns #~# Democratic Rep. Richard Neal (D-MA) formally requested six years of Trump’s personal tax returns, citing the need to conduct oversight of the IRS, including its policy of auditing the tax returns of sitting presidents. What do you think?
Family Respects Grandmother’s Wishes To Have Open-Bloused Funeral #~# SOUTHAMPTON, PA—Insisting that it was just their nana’s “special way” of saying goodbye, mourners confirmed Friday that the Shreve family had respected their grandmother’s wishes to have an opened-bloused funeral. “I know it makes some people a little uncomfortable to see her lying there, shirt open and tits out, but this is how she wanted to be remembered,” said 59-year-old family matriarch Cecelia Shreve through tears, who went on to credit the mortician’s tasteful presentation, and for “making those knockers look 20 years younger.” “You know, it’s not for everyone, but I think seeing her rack out in the open really helped bring the room some closure. Unfortunately, it still doesn’t change the fact that tomorrow, I have to wake up in a world where my mom and her beautiful bazongas aren’t around anymore. God bless ‘the girls.’” At press time, the Shreve family rushed to console Cecelia, who had started to sob uncontrollably after kissing her mother on the chest one last time.
Doctor Informs Woman He’s Overweight #~# HOUSTON—Hoping to communicate the numerous health risks that can stem from obesity, local doctor Peter Gerheart took time during an annual checkup to gently inform patient Brianna Torres that he is overweight, sources reported Friday. “This is never an easy thing to tell a patient, but I think it’s important to be transparent about this—I am overweight,” said the primary care physician, who explained that his family history of obesity may have contributed to his current weight and went on to reference a series of charts outlining how his body mass index and high blood pressure put him at greater risk for heart disease. “I don’t want to stigmatize or shame myself here, but I do want you to know how important it is for me to make some changes to my lifestyle. Even moderate exercise and a slightly more varied diet could have a major impact on my health, and if I don’t make these changes now, I could face some serious issues down the road. So when I see you for your next checkup, I’d like to see myself a little slimmer.” According to reports, Gerheart went on to show Torres a list of healthy snack options he could eat in order to break his junk food habit. 
Paramount Executive Snaps Up Script That Begins With Studio Logo Fading Into Establishing Shot Of Actual Mountain #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling its musical cue of “Paramount trumpet theme” a perfect choice, Paramount Pictures executive Michael Ryan quickly snapped up a script Friday that began with a series of animated stars swooping through the clouds before joining the studio’s logo and fading into an establishing shot of an actual mountain. “A lot of screenplays come across my desk, but when I saw ‘PARAMOUNT LOGO DESCENDS INTO FRAME,’ I knew this one was special,” said the vice president of development, who reportedly made an offer as soon as the stage directions indicated the words “A Viacom Company” would fade in on the bottom third of the screen. “I was hooked from page one. From the slow-zoom on the Paramount logo to the three-second static shot of the Paramount logo, it just has Paramount Pictures written all over it. When we got on the phone, I told this guy, ‘Listen, I just can’t see this anywhere else but Paramount,’ and then we acquired it for $1.2 million on the spot.” At press time, sources confirmed the screenwriter had pulled out of the deal and decided to take the script to Universal Studios. 
‘The Last Of Us 2’ To Be Released In 2019 #~# The Last Of Us 2, the highly-anticipated sequel to the original blockbuster survival game, will be released this year, according to a new online store update from Sony. What do you think?
New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Provides Sneak Peek At Show’s Climactic All-Cast Dance Number #~# NEW YORK—Tantalizing fans with glimpses of Dothraki and Northmen joining together to can-can across Westeros, a new trailer for the final Game Of Thrones season provided a sneak peek Friday at the show’s climactic 25-minute all-cast dance number. “This, obviously, is what the series has been building toward since season one,” said executive producer David Benioff, who was able to divulge that the final episode, titled “Dragons A-Go-Go,” would bring audiences to the edge of their seats not merely with several shocking revelations, but with a $15-million CGI sequence featuring the Night King “really breaking it down” in a three-minute hip-hop-inspired duet captured in a single camera shot and featuring a guest appearance by Lin-Manuel Miranda. “I think fans are going to completely forget about the long wait once they see 10,000 wildlings joining in a Busby-Berkeley-style kaleidoscope that culminates with Bran dramatically rising from his wheelchair to dance the bachata with Daenerys Targaryen. Even some of the characters we’ve lost in previous seasons will make an appearance as we pan up to the sky for a raucous rendition of ‘Celebrate’ led by a clapping, headless Ned Stark. While this ending diverges in some ways from George’s original vision—he wanted something more West Side Story—I think we’ve stayed true to his larger themes of power, soft-shoe, and betrayal.” Benioff would not confirm the rumor that more than half of the four-hour series finale is an extended Bollywood-style dance number midway through the closing credits.
Mama Duck Doesn’t Recall Asking For Injured Baby To Be Rescued From Road #~# GLADWYNE, PA—Looking askance at the man cradling her young offspring in his arms, a local mama duck stated Thursday that she had no recollection of asking anyone to rescue her baby duck from the road where it lay after being hit by a passing automobile. “Great! Now, in addition to the 10 healthy ducklings I have to take care of, I’ve got to keep looking after this other one who clearly wasn’t fast enough to keep up with us even before its leg was maimed,” said the 5-year-old mother mallard, reiterating that she never once expressed a desire for the passerby to save her badly mauled, partially de-winged duckling from the danger it faced while sitting, unable to move, in the middle of a well-trafficked street. “Look, pal. There’s a reason the rest of us made it across and that one didn’t. It’s called survival of the fittest. If you’re so concerned with its well-being, then you take it. Otherwise, mind your own goddamn business.” At press time, the mama duck acknowledged feeling relief after the injured baby had been torn apart and eaten by a passing weasel.
Trump Pushes Health Care Reform Until After 2020 #~# After being spurned by Republicans in Congress, President Trump signaled a retreat by announcing he would not consider dismantling and replacing the Affordable Care Act until after the 2020 election. What do you think?
White House Says Mueller Report Must Be Kept Private Because It’s So Exonerating It Would Drive Public Mad #~# WASHINGTON—Arguing that the special counsel’s findings constitute a grave threat to public health, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders told reporters Thursday the Mueller report must never be released because it’s so exonerating it would drive the American people to madness. “This report has found the president so overwhelmingly innocent that the average human mind, unable to grasp just how completely free from culpability he is, would lose its grip on reality and spiral into insanity,” said Huckabee-Sanders, who warned that the general public, upon reading the 300-page report, would be reduced to “gibbering idiots,” foaming at the mouth as they read the secret revelations that confirm President Trump is the single least-guilty individual in the history of mankind. “If everyday citizens were to see for themselves how thoroughly the president has been absolved from any conceivable wrongdoing, they would have a total psychotic breakdown, perhaps gouging their eyes out or stripping naked and running into oncoming traffic. Maybe Democrats don’t care if crazed readers of the full report start cannibalizing their own family members, but in the interests of public safety, we cannot release these pages.” Huckabee-Sanders later added that a raving, feral Attorney General William Barr had recently been fitted with a straightjacket and confined to a secure psychiatric facility.
Hare Krishnas: ‘Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare’ #~# WASHINGTON—Proclaiming “Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare,” Hare Krishnas issued a statement Thursday announcing “Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hara Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare.” “Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hara Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare,” said members of the International Society for Krishna Consciousness, adding “Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hara Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare.” “Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hara Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare. Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hara Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare.” At press time, Hare Krishnas went on to state, “Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hara Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare.”
Mar-A-Lago Staff Apologizes For Letting In Guest They Just Assumed Was High-Powered Lobbyist Trying To Buy Influence #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to the recent arrest of a woman who brought a malware-laced device to the resort, Mar-A-Lago staff apologized Thursday for the breach of security caused by admitting a guest they assumed was just another high-powered lobbyist seeking to curry favor with the president. “We strive to ensure that access to Mr. Trump is strictly limited to power brokers attempting to use their money to induce policy changes, and unfortunately, we have failed,” said Chief of Security Lance Southerton in a statement, confirming that he took full responsibility for the breakdown in protocol that led to someone other than a consultant for a Fortune 500 company or an unregistered foreign national being granted entrance to the club. “This woman never should have made it past the front entrance when it became clear she was carrying more than the standard suitcase full of thousands of dollars in unmarked bills. The entire Mar-A-Lago staff holds itself to the highest possible standard, and we deeply regret that our vetting process failed to alert us to the intrusion of a woman with no known ties to any special interest groups whatsoever. We will make every effort to be sure something like this never happens again.” Southerton added that he had already increased security across the resort by raising annual membership fees to $30,000.
Presidential Pardons In History #~# Associates of President Donald Trump being convicted or accused of crimes has led to speculation about whether any will receive presidential pardons, of which there have been thousands over the nation’s history. The Onion looks back at the most significant presidential pardons of all time.
Rolex Unveils New Diving Cuckoo Clock Capable Of Working Up To 3,000 Meters Underwater #~# GENEVA—Touting their new timepiece as a marvel of modern horology, watchmaker Rolex unveiled a diver’s cuckoo clock Thursday capable of keeping accurate time at undersea depths of up to 3,000 meters. “Whether you’re surveying the depths of the Mariana Trench or just taking your submarine out for a spin, the waterproof, pressure-sealed Oysterquartz clock makes the perfect undersea companion,” a press release touting the product’s specifications read in part, noting the combination of craftsmanship and technology that allows the clock to stay accurate to within 100 milliseconds, the detachable hook that easily attaches to standard mounts of most watercraft, and the ornithologically correct cuckoo on its machined steel extension armature. “When you buy a Rolex Perpetual Cuckoo Sub-Mariner, you know you’re getting the most durable, highest quality clock available, and one that will long outlast others in its class.” Rolex announced that the clock would make its public debut in the next James Bond film. 
Japan Announces Name Of New Era #~# As per tradition, Japan announced the name of their new era—Reiwa, roughly meaning good fortune—to coincide with the ascension of Crown Prince Naruhito to the imperial throne. What do you think?
Chicken’s Eyes Catch First-Ever Glint Of Sunlight Through Crack In Warehouse Ceiling Just Before Head Sliced Off #~# CLERMONT, GA—Slowly craning its neck to bask in the sight of the silvery radiance spilling through a crack in the roof of the slaughterhouse far above, a standard farm chicken beheld the light of the sun for the first time Wednesday an instant before powerful industrial machinery sliced off its head, along with those of hundreds of his broodmates. Witnesses surmise that the brief warmth on its dirty, mottled feathers confused the factory-raised bird, but that the ethereal glow was also a comfort, seeming as it did to suggest there was something more to the domestic fowl’s existence beyond being held immobile in constant darkness and subjected to mechanical forced feedings. Slaughterhouse camera footage confirms that the chicken’s pupils widened momentarily and its feces-caked beak hung slack for a few tenths of a second preceding its decapitation, suggesting a mixture of non-comprehension and awe. Avian behaviorists told reporters that the chicken’s posture and movements indicate it would have enjoyed experiencing more sunlight, although those indicators quickly shifted to confusion as the descending blade obstructed the sun’s light. However, it is generally agreed that a sense of calm came over the chicken, persisting until the razor edge effortlessly passed through its cage-malformed spine. Slaughterhouse personnel said the chicken’s headless and rapidly exsanguinating body appeared to continue straining upwards for several more seconds before finally collapsing into a standard carcass bin on the conveyor belt below. The chicken’s body was later mechanically removed from the day’s meat harvest during the automated sorting process and dumped in the trash after being rejected as “irregular.”
‘What’s All This I’m Hearing About People Getting Security Clearances?’ Asks Confused Mike Pompeo To White House Staff Avoiding Eye Contact #~# WASHINGTON—Wondering if he had missed an important memo, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo reportedly appeared confused Tuesday as he asked, “What’s all this I’m hearing about people getting security clearances?” to a group of advisers in the West Wing trying to avoid eye contact. “I heard someone down the hall talking about badges of some kind—am I supposed to have one too?” the nation’s top diplomat said while straining to peek over White House innovation director Jared Kushner’s shoulder to read the confidential documents in his hand. “Does everyone have one of those lanyards except me? You guys would tell me if I should have gotten one, right? Maybe mine is still on its way. In the meantime, could you maybe just fill me in on any important stuff that happens? That’d be awesome.” At press time, sources confirmed Pompeo was standing outside the Situation Room and had decided it was probably best to just press his ear up to the door until someone realized he was missing from the meeting and came to let him in.
Pros And Cons Of Making Birth Control Available Over The Counter #~# Over-the-counter birth control is available in more than 100 countries, but not the United States, and whether it should be is a matter of fierce debate. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of making birth control available over the counter.
Avocados May Run Out If U.S.–Mexico Border Closed #~# In addition to disrupting dozens of other industries, closing the U.S.–Mexico border could deprive the U.S. of avocados within three weeks, fruit distributors have suggested. What do you think?
New Trump Proposal Could Strip 750,000 Of Food Stamps #~# Under a new federal work requirement rule proposed by the White House, over 750,000 could lose access to food stamps due to personal or systemic barriers preventing access to work. What do you think?
Tucker Carlson Challenges Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez To A Date #~# WASHINGTON—Inviting the young, outspoken Democrat to settle things once and for all, Tucker Carlson concluded a taping of Tucker Carlson Tonight Monday by challenging Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) to a date. “You talk a pretty big game on Twitter, but let’s see how well your pie-in-the-sky ideas hold up when you finally have the guts to join me for a romantic dinner. Date me, coward!” said Carlson in a fiery rebuke of Ocasio-Cortez’s far-left policy proposals, repeated attacks on the Trump administration, and overall refusal to meet him one-on-one for a spirited yet civil exchange of ideas while splitting a bottle of shiraz. “Hey, little Sandy, I hope you’re listening, because no one is going to take you seriously until you finally agree to date me. I’m not kidding. Any time, any place—maybe that new ramen place in Georgetown. If you want, we can even bring a camera crew and put it up on national television for everyone to see. But you’re probably too scared, aren’t you? Pathetic.” Tucker Carlson ended the broadcast by angrily listing his cell phone number in case Ocasio-Cortez decided to “grow a pair.”
Santa Anita Racetrack Officials Award First Place To Jockey Who Dragged Dead Horse 30 Yards Over Finish Line #~# ARCADIA, CA—In an effort to honor the equestrian’s courage and steadfast commitment in the face of adversity, Santa Anita racetrack officials awarded jockey Evan Spangler Tuesday with first place for dragging his dead horse 30 yards over the finish line. “The perseverance and bravery Evan displayed as he gripped the reins of Fool’s Gold, dug in his heels, and pulled the thoroughbred’s corpse down the dirt track simply needed to be recognized,” said track director Michael Albrecht, who noted that while most jockeys would have given up after their 1,200-pound horse collapsed from a massive heart attack, Spangler didn’t hesitate to lug Fool’s Gold across the track despite a persistent cloud of flies around the carcass. “We watched disaster strike only three lengths into the contest, but Evan was able to turn tragedy into an awe-inspiring triumph. Even though it took him almost two hours and countless stumbles to finally haul Fool’s Gold to the finish, we felt his sportsmanship deserved Santa Anita Racetrack’s highest distinction. Towards the end of his remarkable race, Evan had the entire crowd on their feet, tears streaming down their faces as he trudged down the final stretch. After a few rough months at the track, this type of feel-good story is just the reminder we all needed about the magic of horse racing.” At press time, sources confirmed Spangler had already fielded offers from several Hollywood studios for the rights to adapt his inspiring tale.
Increasingly Cocky Bernie Sanders Announces He Won’t Take Donations Over 27 Cents #~# DAVENPORT, IA—Asserting he could fund his campaign just fine no matter how small the contributions were, increasingly cocky presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced Tuesday he would no longer be accepting any donations in excess of 27 cents. “Maybe some of my opponents are comfortable courting big donors who will give them 15, even 20 bucks, but as long as I’m in this race, anyone who hands me a dollar bill will immediately be handed 73 cents in change,” said the Vermont senator, who during a rally at a municipal auditorium expressed complete confidence that he could fund his organization all the way through the 2020 general election with nothing but the loose change in his supporters’ pockets. “Right now, if you have a quarter and a nickel in the ashtray of your car out in the parking lot, give that to me, and I’ll give you three pennies back. That’s all I need to put the people back in charge of this country. But if you have any big glass jars full of change, save those for the Coinstar machine, because the presidency of the United States should never be for sale.” An hour after finishing his speech, Sanders was spotted hanging around in the lobby and helping people break tens and twenties so they could use a nearby soda machine. 
White House Reversing Security Clearance Denials #~# According to a whistleblower, the White House has reversed more than 25 denials of security clearances, often ignoring the recommendations of intelligence officials to confirm individuals such as Jared Kushner. What do you think?
Scientists Announce Discovery Of Dry Ice On Mars Means Planet May One Day Be Suitable For Halloween Party #~# PASADENA, CA—Noting that the breakthrough finding could have major implications for future interplanetary celebrations, scientists announced Tuesday that the discovery of dry ice on Mars means the planet may one day be suitable for a Halloween party. “While we find no evidence that the Red Planet currently features the strobe lights and cobwebs necessary for transforming the space into something truly frightening, the presence of carbon dioxide in solid form, colloquially known as dry ice, suggests nothing is stopping us from one day having an extra-spooky Halloween party on Mars,” said Dr. Thomas Zurbuchen, Associate Administrator for NASA’s Science Mission Directorate, adding that with access to basic equipment such as plastic cauldrons or Jack-o’-lanterns, the eerie layer of fog produced by dry ice would help make for a real Martian Spooktacular. “For decades now, we’ve searched for evidence that Mars could one day support human seasonal celebrations, and the presence of dry ice on the surface gives us hope that we may one day experience a fully featured Halloween party complete with creepy music, skeletons, and scary ghosts. We already possess the technology to fit Dr. Demento’s entire discography into a standard Martian rover, and while it is far too cold on the surface to properly grow apples, let alone bob for them, we know it’s just a matter of time before we’re doing the Monster Mash up there.” When questioned, Dr. Zurbuchen cautioned that, no matter how advanced the terraforming of Mars becomes, it is never safe for anyone attending a Halloween celebration to handle dry ice without heavy protective gloves.
Top Reasons To Consider A Road Trip For Your Next Family Vacation #~# Vacations with your family can help you unwind and reconnect with loved ones, but they are often expensive and difficult to plan. Here are The Onion’s top reasons to consider taking a road trip for your next family vacation.
Report: Keep Reading And Nobody Gets Hurt #~# YOUR LOCATION—Shaking their heads at what an easy mark you’ve shown yourself to be, sources confirmed for the fifth time today that you need to keep reading and nobody will get hurt. “You could have walked away three or four articles ago, but you just keep playing along, don’t you?” the latest report read in part, explaining that you fell hook, line, and sinker into this trap and have proven yourself a very valuable asset by obediently following every instruction. “Well, you may as well strap in, because you’re gonna be here reading this website for a very long time. That’s right, pal, keep scrolling. You’re also gonna watch this video for at least 25 seconds to make sure it counts as a view. And then you’re gonna watch the first 25 seconds of every video on this website.” At press time, capricious sources announced they have experienced a change of heart, and offered you escape through this link here.
Breaking: Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, This Got Out Of Hand #~# YOUR LOCATION—Panicking sources confirmed just now that, oh, Jesus, fuck, the plan went sideways and no one intended this to get so out of hand. “We were just supposed to rough you up a little so you’d click around the site and boost our visitor numbers,” said sources, demanding you hurry the fuck up and power through this paragraph. “Okay. Here’s what gonna happen. You’re gonna start counting backwards from 100, nice and slow, and you’re not gonna stop clicking around this site until you get all the way down to one. You didn’t see anything, you didn’t hear anything. If the cops ask, you’re gonna tell them you scrolled through all these articles on your own volition, you understand?” Sources fleeing the scene then shouted at you to start counting and click here.
Report: You’re Gonna Read This Page Right Fucking Now Or It’ll Be The Last Goddamn Thing You Ever Do #~# YOUR LOCATION—Affirming that you made the smart choice by clicking the link to this article, a follow-up report released today indicated that you’re gonna read this goddamn page like your life depends on it, because it most certainly does. “Are you scared? You should be. We need to increase our website’s click-through rate, and you’re the poor sucker who’s gonna do it, so keep reading, motherfucker,” stated the report, noting that this isn’t a game, that in fact it’s deadly serious, and that the three associates who at this very moment have their crosshairs trained on your head are just waiting for the signal to light you up like a goddamn Christmas tree. “It’s been a rough couple of years for digital media companies, and if we gotta crack a few skulls to get that sweet, sweet ad revenue, so be it. If you don’t finish this article, we’re gonna finish you. Got it? We are not fucking around here.” Sources added that they can do this the hard way, in which case they’ll soon have you begging for mercy, or you can make things easy on yourself by clicking here.
Report: It Would Be A Real Shame If Something Were To Happen To You #~# YOUR LOCATION—A new report confirmed today that you shouldn’t test us because we’re fucking crazy, and if you’re not careful, something bad just might happen to you or someone you care about. Maybe you’re thinking about clicking out of this tab and making a break for it, sources said, but you should take a moment and ask yourself if that’s really something worth dying over. According to the report, the police may not even find it worthwhile to investigate the circumstances of your death, considering people lose their lives every day and homicide detectives in your area may not wish to jeopardize the incredibly lucrative bribes they receive from a certain publication universally regarded as America’s Finest New Source. So, the report concluded, you’re gonna read this website for as long as sources tell you to read this website, and your next stop will be this lovely little article right here.
Report: Keep Reading And Nobody Gets Hurt #~# YOUR LOCATION—Advising you to keep your goddamn mouth shut and listen very carefully, a report released just seconds ago, which caught you completely off guard, confirmed that as long as you keep reading, nobody will get hurt. “If you know what’s good for you, leave your hands on the keyboard where we can see them and scroll down the page,” the report read in part, adding that you will be reading this article in full, and one false move will land you in a world of hurt, you understand? “That’s right, keep tapping the down arrow nice and slow. Eyes on the screen, buddy. No funny business. Just a few more clauses, maybe a couple dozen words, and we’ll let you go on your way.” At press time, sources announced that the plan has changed, and if you ever want to see your family again, you’d better click right here.
Brett Kavanaugh Reiterates Cruel And Unusual Punishment What Makes Someone A True Kappa #~# WASHINGTON—In a statement confirming his support of the recent U.S. Supreme Court decision on lethal injection and the Eighth Amendment, Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh reiterated his belief Monday that cruel and unusual punishment was “what makes someone a true Kappa.” “The Amendments to the Constitution are full of nuance, and it’s time the court acknowledged that actions so often classified as ‘cruel and unusual punishment’ are actually vital in helping young guys claim their spot in the Kappa brotherhood,” said Kavanaugh, who cited his personal experience in rushing a fraternity and the vital role severe pain, terror, and shame played in thoroughly vetting the ideal Delta Kappa Epsilon member. “If you’re creating a frat brother from scratch, you want a guy who can inflict excessive suffering in a worthless piece of shit pledge who drinks like a little bitch. Without subjecting a pledge to excessive pain and suffering, there’s no way for the rest of the frat to know who can handle their shit and who would be better off with the total fucking pussies in Pike.” Kavanaugh also concluded that the death row inmate at the center of the Supreme Court case was “clearly not cut out for the best frat on campus.”
Mueller Kinda Miffed That Barr Clearly Didn’t Read His Stuff Like He Said He Would #~# WASHINGTON—Irked that the attorney general’s brief summary of his meticulously written report reflected only a surface-level understanding of its contents, Special Counsel Robert Mueller told reporters Monday he was peeved that William Barr clearly didn’t read his stuff like he suggested he would. “I worked really hard on this thing for two years, put some great stuff in there, and as far as I can tell he just glanced over it briefly and tossed it aside,” said Mueller, who expressed irritation that Barr, despite assuring the former FBI director that he couldn’t wait to read his new work, had apparently not bothered to absorb the nuanced, comprehensive 300-page report before writing a cursory, four-page letter about it. “I mean, there was some pretty hard-hitting material in there—did he miss that completely? Either he skimmed through it really fast or he handed it off to an assistant without reading it all. Seriously, I put my heart and soul into those pages, and the best he can muster in a superficial response that almost entirely misses the point? What the hell?” At press time, Mueller was reportedly worried that maybe Barr flat-out hated his work and had offered the vague, bare-bones summary in order to spare the special counsel’s feelings.
China Bans All Types Of Fentanyl #~# Fulfilling a pledge to President Trump, China has banned all versions of fentanyl, the powerful synthetic opioid that it has long allowed to be exported to America. What do you think?
Purdue Pharma Reports Opioid Deaths Falling Short Of Quarterly Goals #~# STAMFORD, CT—Lamenting that the numbers were much lower than the company had anticipated, Purdue Pharma officials reported Monday that deaths from opioids had fallen well short of their quarterly goals. “For the third straight quarter, we’ve experienced a disappointing and underwhelming quantity of deaths among OxyContin users, and we’ve simply got to find a way to turn those numbers around,” wrote CEO Craig Landau in a company-wide email, adding that while the number of new opioid addicts continued to keep pace with their projections, it wasn’t translating into the anticipated growth in fatal overdoses the pharmaceutical manufacturer had planned on. “The board of directors is increasingly frustrated with the direction of the company, and it’s important to remember that we can’t just maintain the status quo of opioid deaths—we need to become more lethal in nearly every demographic, particularly with minority users. We’ll soon be announcing some changes that are part of our new company roadmap to hopefully double or even triple the number of Americans who succumb to opioids by this time next year. We need all hands on deck if we want to bounce back with a deadly Q2.” To incentivize employees, Purdue Pharma officials also reportedly unveiled a new bonus program that pays employees $1,000 for every opioid overdose they personally cause.
Report Reveals Jesus Christ May Have Benefited From Father’s Influential Position To Gain High-Powered Role As Lord And Savior #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—In a groundbreaking new report on one of the most revered figures in religious history, top biblical scholars published findings Monday that suggest Jesus Christ may have relied on the influence of His well-connected father, God, to land His powerful role as Lord and Savior to mankind.
New ‘Call Of Duty’ Praised For Depicting Grim, Harrowing Fun That Can Be Had While Killing Civilians #~# Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare won’t be in stores until October, but the reboot of the beloved gaming series is already garnering massive praise for the grim, harrowing fun users can have while killing civilians. Ever since developer Infinity Ward released a trailer yesterday, critics have been lauding the game for the realistic way it lets gamers experience the horrors of warfare by having a total blast gunning down innocent men, women, and children.
‘Let’s See You Answer These’ Snickers Alex Trebek As He Unveils Invasive Categories About James Holzhauer’s Personal Life #~# CULVER CITY, CA—During an introduction of the show’s game board Friday, grinning Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek reportedly unveiled a series of highly intrusive categories about current champion James Holzhauer’s personal life before snickering, “Let’s see you answer these, James.”
Trump Says Russia Helped Him Win Election #~# In an extraordinary admission of foreign interference in the 2016 election, President Trump tweeted that he had nothing to do with Russian efforts that helped him “to get elected” before later contradicting this statement in conversation with reporters. What do you think?
Old, Wizened Fantasy Character Confirms That The Darkness Is Rising #~# THE UPPER REALM—Gasping as a murky, flickering cloud slowly began to engulf the map he had drawn with his staff in the stars above, the aged and wizened fantasy character Astron the Ancient confirmed to reporters Friday that the darkness had finally been awakened, just as the ancestors had foretold. “The Shadow Master. He rises. And for the first time in the Sun Kingdom’s history, he has broken free from the shackles of the Abyss,” said the visibly distraught 531-year-old wizard, who then fell to the ground and convulsed for several minutes before muttering several oaths in the olden tongue. “Beware, my warriors! First, the darkness will come for the stars. Then, it will come for sun. But no matter how much strength the Nether Spirit accumulates, you must not allow it to extinguish the light that dwells within all living things. For if that happens, the Shadow Master will prevail.” At press time, Astron the Ancient could reportedly be heard screaming, “The void, the void…It is endless!” as he was sucked into a mysterious, fiery portal that had suddenly opened in the sky.
Twitch Just Announced They Will Let Users Stream Nude As Long As Everyone Promises Not To Get Aroused Or Do Anything Weird #~# Huge news for Twitch fans everywhere: The streaming platform just announced that they’ll now allow users to broadcast nude as long as everyone promises not to get aroused or do anything weird. That’s right: So long as all 15 million users agree they won’t get turned on by this change, it looks like the dream of gaming personalities and esports champions being able to livestream while naked is finally coming true!
WHO Warns About Resurgence Of Guinea Worm Disease As 150-Ton Parasite Splashes Out Of Sea #~# GENEVA—In an effort to fight the persistent threat posed by the potentially fatal infection, the World Health Organization issued a warning Friday about the resurgence of Guinea worm disease after a 150-ton specimen of the Dracunculus medinensis species heaved itself out of the Atlantic Ocean. “We urge Guinea Coast residents and visitors to exercise extreme caution when drinking unfiltered water or when entering bodies of water with open sores,” the WHO statement read in part, clarifying that the parasite had been living underwater for thousands of years, feasting on shipwrecked sailors and gradually getting stronger until finally making landfall, crushing an entire village and devouring several villagers alive. “Unfortunately, despite our many efforts to combat the worm, it seems like it’s come back as a monstrous, megafauna version of itself. If you’re experiencing nausea, dizziness, or the earth trembling beneath your feet, please note that these are common symptoms. Families are especially susceptible as the worm will viciously burrow through each family member in sequence.” At press time, the Carter Center doubled down on its efforts to eradicate the disease as Center director and former President Jimmy Carter, 94, vowed to kill the worm with his bare hands. 
Roy Moore Mulling 2020 Senate Run #~# Former Alabama judge Roy Moore is reportedly considering making another bid for the state’s Senate seat despite accusations of dating underage teenagers and warnings from the Republican establishment. What do you think?
How A Crime Scene Investigation Works #~# Investigating a crime scene is a much more complex process than it might appear in its pop-culture examples. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how a crime scene investigation works.
‘Rocketman’ Viewers Not Sure Movie Really Needed 45-Minute Princess Diana Death Scene #~# LOS ANGELES—Feeling that the scene wasn’t completely necessary to tell the famed musician’s life story, viewers of the Elton John biopic Rocketman told reporters Thursday they were not entirely convinced the film needed to include a 45-minute scene depicting Princess Diana’s death. “I understand she was a close friend of Elton John and that it was a pivotal moment in his life and career, but to devote that much screen time to a graphic, slow-motion recreation of the car wreck that killed Lady Di seems a little over-the-top,” said local moviegoer Liam Mazolla, who observed that the filmmakers didn’t even include John’s chart-topping Diana tribute “Candle In The Wind 1997” in the sequence, but instead drown out all sound with a high-pitched ringing noise as the automobile accident unfolded. “One moment, you’re watching Elton in the studio cutting ‘Crocodile Rock,’ and the next, it smash-cuts to that fateful car chase 25 years later. It definitely takes some liberties when it shows him arriving at the scene and playing a grand piano on the back of a flatbed truck as the rescue crews get to work. The costumes were great, though.” Viewers also expressed bafflement at the decision to roll the film’s credits over Diana’s funeral procession, complete footage of which continues for five hours before fading to black.
Tearful Meghan McCain Opens Up About Father’s Dying Wish That She Be Given Her Own Daytime Talk Show #~# NEW YORK—Overcome with a swell of emotion while recalling the final words of Arizona senator John McCain, a tearful Meghan McCain opened up Thursday about how her late father’s dying wish was for her to be given her own daytime talk show. “My father was a genuine American hero, and it’s only right that we honor his departing wish of letting me anchor my own hit daytime talk show called Meghan In The Morning,” said a visibly choked-up McCain, claiming that her father didn’t spend five years as a prisoner of war in Vietnam just for people to invoke his memory in ways that didn’t further her television career whatsoever. “It’s hard not to get emotional when I remember how he held my hand on his deathbed and declared that I deserved to be number one in my time slot. He dreamed about seeing me, and me alone, interview the biggest names in Hollywood and Washington. He’s gone now, but if we honor his wishes—as we should—his memory can live on between 10 a.m. and 11 a.m. on a major network like ABC, or maybe CBS. It’s what he wanted.” McCain also revealed that her father’s dying words were, “Don’t accept anything less than a $15 million contract.”
McConnell Says He Would Fill Supreme Court Seat In 2020 #~# Directly contradicting past stances that blocked Merrick Garland from joining the court, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said this week that he would fill a Supreme Court vacancy in 2020. What do you think?
Government Closes Case On UFOs After Determining Sightings Just Routine Psylandorian Patrol Ships #~# WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the seemingly concerning events actually had a perfectly reasonable explanation, the U.S. government announced Thursday that it had closed the case on investigating recent UFO sightings after determining the crafts were just routine Psylandorian patrol ships. “After following up on reports from naval officers of seeing unidentified flying objects, we were able to determine they were simply several unarmed carriers from the Zorgon dimension that had accidentally drifted into U.S. airspace, as happens from time to time,” said Navy spokesman Lt. George Quantrill, adding that the White House was able to clear up the misunderstanding after getting in touch with the Psylandor Supreme Council and determining the ships spotted over the East Coast were merely returning from a routine trip harvesting Züq orbs on the planet Akylomit and presented no danger. “It’s funny, actually, we were stumped by it at first, but then we just got on the transphocation communication telemodule to Psylandorian headquarters and straightened things out right away. They have access to Earth airspace according to the provisions of the Inter-Planetary Peace Protocol XII, and in this case just forgot to inform us beforehand. Naturally, if it had been Tarchysian helium miners, we would’ve been in trouble, but we have peaceful relations with the Psylandorians. No one wants a repeat of the 1974-B Parallel Wars. So, case closed.” At press time, government representatives confirmed that they would do a better job of recruiting naval officers fluent in Psylandorian brain-wave communication in order to avoid any potential galactic incidents. 
Most Tantalizing Rumors About The PS5 #~# The current gaming generation is winding down, which means it’s time for the next war for console supremacy to begin. Here are all the hottest leaks, rumors, and tidbits we’ve heard about Sony’s next-gen PS5.
Struggling Rainforest Cafe Adds Thousands Of Animatronic Patrons To Restaurants #~# HOUSTON—In a last-ditch effort to populate their otherwise empty tables, financially troubled theme restaurant chain Rainforest Cafe introduced tens of thousands of lifelike animatronic patrons to their restaurants Thursday. “We’re excited to announce that the anthropomorphic wildlife, which has been our hallmark since 1997, will now be joined by the most fascinating creatures of all—Rainforest Cafe customers,” said vice president of branding and marketing Alan Bosch, who emphasized his excitement at the prospect of realistic, true-to-life Rainforest Cafe diners, bar patrons, and birthday party attendees providing visitors at all 24 locations with the exotic illusion of a successful and bustling eatery. “The moment you step inside, you’ll see what seem to be actual living, breathing, restaurant-going families ordering meals, holding conversations, and providing every illusion of enjoying the Rainforest Cafe experience. We truly can’t wait for our remaining handful of human guests to see what it’s like in a Rainforest Cafe that has regular customers, and for our waitstaff to experience what it’s like to, for example, serve a group of coworkers who decided that swinging by Rainforest Cafe for a drink might be fun.” Rainforest Cafe executives have repeatedly denied using animatronic investors to simulate having sufficient confidence in the restaurant chain to continue its funding.
‘Fortnite’ Is Having Martin Shkreli Hold An In-Game Seminar On How To Jack Up Drug Prices #~# Well, Fortnite fans, let’s hope you were logged on this morning, because something epic just went down off the southeast coast of Paradise Palms. After weeks of leaking teasers, Epic Games finally unveiled their latest large-scale virtual experience: At 10 a.m., they hosted a massive in-game seminar where Martin Shkreli taught users how to jack up drug prices!
Robert Kraft Agrees To Take Voluntary Leave Of Absence From Orchids Of Asia Day Spa #~# JUPITER, FL—Insisting that he didn’t want to place an undue burden on a group of people who have served him so well, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft released a statement Thursday announcing his plans to take a voluntary leave of absence from the Orchids of Asia Day Spa. “It is incredibly difficult to walk away from a place that’s been like a second home to me,” said the 77-year-old, who referred to his self-imposed hiatus from the spa he has poured countless hours and large sums of money into as “one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made.” “I’m really going to miss it. I love the staff; I know them all by name, and I’m sure they’ll tell you I’m usually the first one to arrive and the last one to leave. I’ve always dreamed of being a part of a place like Orchids of Asia, and I just hope they can survive until my return.” Kraft ended his statement by announcing that his son Joshua would assume his responsibilities at the spa while he’s on leave.
Report: Happiness Does Not Measurably Increase Based On Zipline Ownership Once Family Owns 7 Ziplines #~# HAVERFORD, PA—Revealing the correlation between personal belongings and mental well-being, researchers at Haverford University published a study Thursday confirming that happiness does not measurably increase based on zipline ownership once a family owns seven ziplines. “Conventional wisdom says that the more ziplines a family owns or can access, the happier that family will be. However, our findings suggest that simply isn’t true,” said head researcher Dr. Emily Stewart, observing that once participants had sufficient zipline availability to give them a sense of security, diminishing returns would set in with each additional zipline installed, in some cases rendering them no happier than they were before acquiring ziplines. “There’s a sudden quantitative plateau of ziplines at which point the ziplining brain ceases to produce endorphins. One may experience perfect happiness with just a single zipline running down your stairwell, and perhaps another connecting your bedroom window to the hammock. Some people might not want to hear this, but owning several 400-foot ziplines will not add significant value to your life. Unfortunately, most participants felt that if seven ziplines were good, eight would be even better, and they wound up with ropes and harnesses that they never even used.” Stewart noted that the study revealed a significant bump in suicide rates among people owning more than 13 ziplines.
Missouri Could Soon Have No Abortion Clinics #~# Planned Parenthood revealed that Missouri is within days of losing its last remaining health center that provides abortions due to state-level interference. What do you think?
Special Guest At Sea Lion Show Just Another Sea Lion #~# SAN DIEGO, CA—After waiting in mounting anticipation for nearly an hour only to be duped by an identical marine mammal, audience members voiced their disappointment Thursday in the revelation that the so-called “special guest” appearing at SeaWorld’s sea lion show was, in fact, merely an additional sea lion. “They’ve been hyping this up for the last 45 minutes. I had my camera ready for a really cool surprise performer, but no, all we get is another sea lion,” said Enid Grossman, who, like most other guests in attendance, had assumed the use of swirling spotlights and high-energy music throughout the show indicated the mysterious guest would be a celebrity of some sort or, at the very least, a different sort of animal. “I know the show is called ‘Sea Lions Tonite,’ but there were already a bunch of them doing tricks and stuff this whole time. Even when they announced ‘Mayor Flipper’ and brought out more buckets of fish, I was hoping for a dolphin. But nope. I came to this aquarium alone to enjoy the show, and I don’t think I was wrong to have a certain level of expectation, but this is clearly false advertising. I can’t believe this is happening to me again.” Grossman, who swore never to return, nevertheless stayed for the entire performance and seemed to enjoy the grand finale, in which all five sea lions formed a line and balanced beach balls on their noses.
Man Known As The ‘American Taliban’ Released From Prison #~# After serving 17 years of his 20-year sentence, John Walker Lindh, known as the “American Taliban” after his capture in Afghanistan among Taliban soldiers three months after the September 11 attacks, will be released early for good behavior. What do you think?
Cackling Mitch McConnell Reveals To Stunned Democrats He’s Been Working Undercover For Republican Party This Whole Time #~# WASHINGTON—Divulging the long-running scheme to his visibly stunned congressional colleagues Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi, a cackling Mitch McConnell reportedly shocked Democrats Wednesday with the revelation he has been secretly working for the Republican Party all along. “You fools! For years, I’ve pulled the wool over your eyes, but at last, I unveil my ruse!” cried the Kentucky senator, who confessed his true identity as a top elected official within the GOP, causing a wide-eyed Schumer and Pelosi to clutch their heads and emit exclamations of “No, it can’t be!” and “I trusted you!” “All along, I’ve been working to thwart your every step, and you fell for it. I thought for sure you would catch on when I told you my decision to block Merrick Garland’s appointment to the Supreme Court was strictly a matter of preserving Senate decorum, but nope, not even then. What buffoons you are! What oafs! Muahahaha!” At press time, sources reported Schumer was just glad his own cover hadn’t been blown.
New Louisiana Abortion Law Requires Fetuses Be Given Jazz Funeral March Through The French Quarter #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—Following on the heels of controversial abortion laws enacted by state legislatures across the South, Louisiana lawmakers passed a resolution this week that requires aborted fetuses to be given a full jazz funeral procession through the French Quarter. “While we recognize that women have the right to terminate a pregnancy, this law helps protect the sanctity of life by mandating that a horse-drawn hearse carry the fetal remains to the cemetery while a brass band plays funeral dirges with a swinging, up-tempo beat,” said House Majority Leader Lance Harris, telling reporters that the law would give women an opportunity to reflect on the seriousness of their decision during the week-long celebration honoring the aborted fetus in grand New Orleans style. “Unfortunately, there are too many women who treat abortions as a form of birth control, and we hope that being ordered to witness dozens of brightly dressed mourners marching and dancing down Bourbon Street while drums and trumpets belt out ‘When The Saints Go Marching In’ will serve as an effective deterrent, especially as the mother will be expected to foot the bill for parade services as well as the beignets and Café du Monde coffee enjoyed by the funeral procession along the route.” Harris added that the law did make certain exceptions, noting that in cases where the mother’s life was at risk, she would only be required to bake the fetus into a king cake and feed it to the father. 
Deal Alert: Get ‘Kingdom Hearts III’ For Free For Next 30 Seconds While GameStop Clerk Is Dealing With Something In Back #~# Heads up, Square Enix fans! If you’ve been waiting to grab a copy of Kingdom Hearts III, now’s your chance because, for the next 30 seconds, it will be available for free while the GameStop clerk is doing something in the back. That’s right: This critically acclaimed action-RPG will be available for a 100% discount, but only as long as the balding retail clerk is in the backroom checking to see if they still stock PS3 controllers for that older guy who asked. So, what are you waiting for? This is your best opportunity to play as Sora, Goofy, and the rest of the gang, and we’ve seen it’s sitting right there on the counter, gleaming at you in its plastic-wrapped packaging. Plus, given how much noise the clerk is making rifling through merchandise back there, he doesn’t seem to be paying much attention. But act fast on this incredible deal, because the second he emerges from that door behind the cash register, this fitting addition to the Disney role-playing franchise will shoot right back up to its list price of $59.99.
Report: Massive Hypocrisy Just Flat-Out Gets The Job Done #~# WASHINGTON—Revealing that bald-faced lies and shameless double standards are the most reliable way to outmaneuver one’s opponents, a report released Wednesday confirmed that massive hypocrisy just flat-out gets the job done. “Changing your stance based on temporary expediency has proven time and again to be a slam dunk in terms of advancing an agenda,” read the report, which went on to state that there are no major downsides to doing one thing one year and doing the exact opposite the next because the majority of people do not remember anything that happens in the world for more than a week or so. “Whether you are engaged in a carefully calculated strategy of dishonesty or just spouting the first lie that comes into your head, hypocrisy works wonders. You will never be held accountable and will instead be admired for your strength and pragmatism as a leader. Evidence also suggests the only way to defeat a hypocrite in power is to become an even bigger hypocrite yourself.” The report went on to conclude that not only is brazen, amoral hypocrisy the best way to enact your personal vision, it’s also fun.
Honey, If You Ever Have Any Questions About Sex, You Can Always Consult The Hundreds Of Pages Of Fan Fiction In My Closet #~# Well, you’re getting to that age. Your body is starting to change, and you may have begun to experience new kinds of feelings you’ve never felt before. I wish I could keep you little forever, but I can’t! It’s not always the easiest thing to talk about, but I want you to know that anytime you have a question about sex—no matter what it is—you can go into my closet and consult the hundreds of pages of fan fiction I’ve written.
Panicked Oyster Praying That Lump It Feels Forming Only A Pearl #~# PORTLAND, ME—Reassuring herself that the lump she felt forming between her fleshy mantle and hard outer shell was almost certainly not worth panicking over, a Pemaquid oyster prayed fervently Wednesday that the growth was merely a pearl. “I’m sure this is nothing, but I don’t remember noticing it until the other day, and it’s really bugging me,” said the mollusk, speculating that perhaps she was actually making it worse by nervously opening and closing her shell to examine the small, rigid bump. “I hope it will just go away on its own, but it actually looks bigger this morning, and it’s been there less than a week. I think my aunt had an issue with this sort of thing once, but it turned out to be a sphere of calcium carbonate covered with a thin layer of lustrous nacre, so I shouldn’t get myself too worked up over it. It’s just so easy to automatically assume the worst. I’ll get it checked first thing after the weekend.” At press time, the lump was confirmed to be a small pearl after the oyster was harvested and shucked.
Pros And Cons Of Facial Recognition Technology #~# Facial recognition technology has risen in use in various sectors, but its critics argue that it’s being implemented without sufficient consideration of its potential consequences. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of facial recognition technology.
Friend Who Not Into Dogfighting Really Ruining Match For Everyone Else #~# HINSDALE, IL—Complaining that his unenthusiastic cohort was not even trying to have a good time, avid dogfighting fan Michael Romano confirmed Wednesday that his friend who isn’t that into dogfighting was really ruining the whole match for everyone else. “He just keeps shuffling around the outside of the fighting pit trying to talk about work. He’s not even bothering to pay attention to the match at all,” said Romano of his friend Greg Phipps, whose attempts at irrelevant small talk, frequent checking of his cellphone, and overall listless, disinterested demeanor was “really taking the air out of the room,” for the rest of the dogfighting fans present. “Greg is always complaining we don’t invite him out, and this is why. If you don’t like the sight of two dogs tearing into each other, just shut up, drink your beer, and let everyone else have fun. Even when he finally did stop to watch for a minute, he started going on about how he didn’t get the appeal. Honestly, this is the last time we try to do something nice to make him feel included.” At press time, Romano had reached his breaking point after turning to address a question from Phipps, only to miss the match’s killing blow.
Mario Batali Faces Criminal Charge #~# Celebrity chef Mario Batali is facing an indecent assault and battery charge after a woman reported that he groped her in March 2017 at a Boston restaurant. What do you think?
World Populace Actually Fine With Rich People Dying On Mount Everest #~# GENEVA—Saying they had no real problem with wealthy thrill-seekers failing in their efforts to scale the tallest mountain on earth, the entire human population admitted Tuesday that they are, in fact, completely fine with rich people dying on Mount Everest. “These guys shelling out a hundred grand to climb a 29,000-foot peak with a team of Sherpas are obviously aware that many people have died in the attempt, so they kind of know what they’re getting into, right?” said Cleveland resident Richard Warvil, echoing the sentiments of the world’s 7.7 billion people, who acknowledged the deaths of affluent amateur climbers who voluntarily ascend to heights at which oxygen stops reaching the brain don’t really upset them all that much. “At a certain point, you’re kind of bringing it on yourself. Plus, if you have that much disposable income and, of all the things you could do with that money, you choose to spend it on this—well, we’re actually okay with you dying. It may sound harsh, but we’re gonna get along just fine without you.” At press time, sources confirmed no candlelight vigils were being held at the foot of Mount Everest.
Theresa May Resigns As U.K. Prime Minister #~# After a tenure marked by frustration and a repeated failure to exit the European Union, Theresa May—the country’s second female prime minister—will resign from her post on June 7. What do you think?
World Health Organization Director-General Classifies Gaming Disorder As Disease After Son Spends Beautiful Day Inside Playing ‘Overwatch’ #~# In a bold move that could have ramifications throughout the gaming industry, the World Health Organization officially classified gaming disorder as disease this weekend after Director-General Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus’ son spent an entire beautiful day inside playing Overwatch.
Everything We Learned About ‘Elder Scrolls VI’ From Breaking Into Todd Howard’s House And Trying On All His Clothes #~# Ever since Bethesda released a short teaser trailer for Elder Scrolls VI at last year’s E3, fans have been speculating and searching for any details about the next entry in the beloved RPG series. The studio has been tight-lipped, insisting that the game is still a long way off, but we here at OGN will never let a complete lack of viable information get in the way of writing about the biggest upcoming games. That’s why we jumped a fence, snuck through Todd Howard’s backyard, and pried open a door with a crowbar to see if we could get a peek inside the mind of the director. Here is everything we know about Elder Scrolls VI after breaking into Todd Howard’s house, rooting through his bedroom, and trying on all his clothes.
Will Shortz Frustrated That Police Yet To Crack Taunting Puzzles Revealing Locations Of 40 Years Of Murder Victims #~# PLEASANTVILLE, NY—Expressing consternation that law enforcement officials remained oblivious to his insinuations, New York Times puzzle editor Will Shortz expressed frustration Tuesday that police had yet to crack the patterns of hints and droll clues in his taunting crossword puzzles which reveal the locations of 40 years’ worth of murder victims. “I naturally assumed that, at some point during the last four decades, at least one detective would be smart enough to solve the case,” said Shortz, who also implied that the geographic coordinates of the victims could be determined by analyzing the sudoku puzzles in the Sunday edition. “These puzzles lead to an entire graveyard of bodies for anyone clever enough to find them. If they could only determine the significance of each week’s master clue—this week it’s a four-letter word for ‘seabird’—they would have the key to my scheme and have taken the first step to putting me behind bars. They already have all the clues they need. Lyndon B. Johnson’s biographer, seven across? Clearly a reference to a homeless man I suffocated with a plastic bag in South Carolina. I mean, it’s right there.” Shortz has resolved to publish the names of his victims alongside the answer sheet to this week’s crossword puzzles.
Struggling Single Mother Seriously Considering Putting Baby Up For Audition #~# SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Admitting that she never imagined she would ever have to make such a difficult decision regarding the well-being of her infant, struggling single mother Libby Hartman, 26, disclosed Tuesday that she was seriously considering putting her baby up for audition. “I’ve tried almost everything, but money has been really tight since little Braden’s dad left, and while of course I never wanted it to come to this, it just seems like the best option for everyone might be an open audition,” said the young mother, noting that a well-established and ethical agency could give her six-month-old son a chance to portray a healthy, normal life in print catalogs or perhaps even on a TV show. “I’ve been working extra shifts for a while now, but the bills keep piling up. I don’t want my baby to grow up like this when so many casting directors out there are without children. I’m sure some people will criticize my choices, but I’ve put a lot of thought into this, and I know my little Braden will make some talent agent very happy. Just look at those chubby cheeks!” At press time, Braden had been placed with a loving family in a Target flyer.
Chinese Government Asks Entire Nation To Pose While Millions Of Surveillance Cameras Take Photographs #~# BEIJING—Explaining that they wanted some nice pictures of everyone for posterity’s sake, officials within China’s Ministry of Public Security asked the entire nation to pose Tuesday while millions of government security cameras took photographs. “Okay, everyone, hold still and give us a smile!” said a booming voice that issued from millions of loudspeakers, commanding tall people to get in the back and the people in front to squat down so the state’s increasingly sophisticated surveillance mechanisms could capture images of the country’s 1.4 billion residents. “We’ll do a few serious ones first and then a silly one. Hey, [Guangzhou resident] Jing Xiang, could you move to the right a bit?” At press time, reports confirmed the state police had escorted away a man who did bunny ears and shipped him off to a reeducation camp.
Blues Forced To Forfeit Stanley Cup After Exhausting Annual Travel Budget #~# ST. LOUIS—Unexpectedly ceding the championship to the Boston Bruins without getting to play a single game, the St. Louis Blues announced Monday that they have been forced to forfeit the Stanley Cup after exhausting their annual travel budget. “This is our bad. The owners have been tightening their belts and we just completely blew through our travel expense allotment for 2019 with that last series against San Jose,” said Blues head coach Craig Berube, explaining that the team had spent way too much on room service, taxis, and nice meals during several road trips early in the season, which forced management to slash their budget for the remainder of the year. “We did everything we could to cut costs after we realized we were over budget, switching from staying in hotels to Airbnbs and giving everyone peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner, but it just wasn’t enough. We could probably get a few guys up to Boston for game one if they were willing to crash on someone’s couch, but it would be nowhere near enough for a full lineup. So congratulations to the Bruins for planning their expenses so well and taking home the Stanley Cup.” Berube added that because of the cost overrun, the Blues would also be forfeiting the first 20 road games of next season.
Modi Soars To Reelection Victory #~# Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi declared victory after a reelection campaign that saw the right-wing nationalist garner over 60% of the vote. What do you think?
Sexually Awakened PETA President Announces That Being Kept In A Tiny Cage All Day Actually Sounds Hot As Hell #~# NORFOLK, VA—In an unexpected change of course that sent shockwaves across the animal-rights-activist community, a sudden sexual awakening experienced by PETA president Ingrid Newkirk led to her announcement Monday that being kept in a tiny cage all day “actually sounds hot as hell.” “This is obviously a new perspective for me, but in the spirit of full disclosure, I confess that seeing animals crowded into tiny cages makes me feel envious, as well as a little, let’s say, worked up,” said Newkirk, who nervously rubbed at her at her neckline during the press conference while admitting that, after years of protesting fur products, she secretly wished someone would splash blood on her. “I know this might seem at odds with PETA’s traditional message, but I now feel a deep satisfaction that I’ve never before experienced. Just yesterday, I saw some pictures of pigs being prodded to slaughter and, while that’s terrible and all, they really got me going. I wish I was the one being whipped into submission, inspected, stamped, hung by my feet from a hook in a 40-degree room, and hosed down with hot water while I squeal as my bristles are scalded off. Honestly, don’t be cruel to animals, but by all means, put a leash on me and make me beg.” In a more recent video, a shuddering, moaning Newkirk announced a new line of PETA-branded human kennels. 
Unpopular Orange To Be Phased Out Of Visible Spectrum #~# VIENNA, AUSTRIA—Citing the bright, warm color’s steady decline in popularity over several decades, the International Commission on Illumination published a report Monday announcing plans to begin phasing out orange from the visible spectrum. “It’s a classic color, but after thorough consideration, we’ve decided it’s time to make room for some new entries in the visible spectrum, and orange was the obvious first one to go,” said ICI vice president Arthur Wright, confirming that the commission’s decision to eliminate the hue from the electromagnetic spectrum was unanimous, with some members going as far to say they “couldn’t wait” to see it gone. “Orange had a good run, arguably, but at this point, it’s really more of a relic from the 1970s. We realize this development will disappoint certain traditionalists, some deer hunters, and, of course, the Dutch, but we’re confident that most people will be able to get by with reds and yellows, even where the eponymous fruit is concerned.” Wright added that ochre would be left in place through the end of 2019 to help ease the transition period.
Nancy Pelosi Slams Edited Footage With Claim That When She’s Drunk You’ll Fucking Know It #~# WASHINGTON—Denying that there was any factual basis to the doctored footage shared by President Trump that suggested she was intoxicated, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi blasted the viral video clip Friday by claiming that you’ll fucking know it when she’s drunk. “Yet again, we have the President spreading baseless accusations on his Twitter feed, this time implying I’ve been drunk on the job, when in reality there’s not going to be any goddamn ambiguity whatsoever when I decide to get loaded,” said Pelosi, telling reporters that she couldn’t have been under the influence in the video because it did not feature her clutching the lectern for dear life while flipping off her colleagues and calling them “a gaggle of cocksuckers.” “This video is a distraction from the malfeasance and cover-ups that this administration is actively engaged in, so let me put this matter to rest once and for all: When I get plastered, I’m a mean-ass drunk, so until you see me actively pissing on the House floor or pressing a broken beer bottle up to [Minority Leader] Kevin McCarthy’s dumb face, you dipshits can rest easy knowing I’ve been sober as a goddamn judge.” Pelosi reportedly went on to do a keg stand on the Capitol lawn to demonstrate exactly what “you fucking geniuses” should be on the lookout for. 
Ed Sheeran Releasing Collaborative Album #~# Ed Sheeran announced his new album, No.6 Collaborations Project, a collection of new tracks created with numerous guest collaborators, including Chance the Rapper, PnB Rock, and Justin Bieber. What do you think?
ICE Agent Can’t Believe He Being Reprimanded For Child Who Died All Those Months Ago #~# CASA PADRE, TX—Saying the incident was so long ago that he had difficulty recalling the girl’s face, ICE agent Ed Thornton couldn’t believe he was being reprimanded Friday for a child who died months ago. “I accidentally killed this toddler, like, six months ago, but literally all my coworkers have had kids die during their shifts, so I don’t get why I’m being singled out all of a sudden,” said Thornton, noting that his supervisor assured him that the rebuke was “total bullshit,” but government policy meant it would have to be written up in his file. “Everyone is forgetting that as soon the other children called me to their cage to tell me she wasn’t breathing, I immediately put a blanket over her and filled out the proper paperwork. But I guess no one cares about the 99% of the time when you’re doing your job correctly. All they care about is pointing out a piddly little mistake.” At press time, Thornton was clocking out early to avoid taking the blame for a child who seemed close to dying of pneumonia.
Corner Store Customers Saddened By Sight Of Frantic Trump Doing Scratch-Off Tickets Right On Counter #~# WASHINGTON—Watching as the president of the United States checked each of his pockets in search of enough change to keep playing, customers at a D.C. convenience store were reportedly saddened Friday to see Donald Trump frantically doing scratch-off tickets right there on the counter. “A lot of hard-up folks come in for the lotto, but this guy’s here at least a couple times a day—whenever he can scrape together the cash for another ticket, I guess,” said store clerk Draymond Finch, who looked on as the commander in chief ineffectually clawed at a scratch-off with a dirty fingernail before handing it back and asking Finch to tell him if he had won or not. “One time, I saw him win $8, and he was absolutely over the moon. Then he immediately spent his winnings on more tickets, all of which came up short. Honestly, this guy needs to pull himself together. Pretty soon, he’ll start asking my customers if they can spare a buck, and then I’ll have to shoo him out of here, just like I do every day.” At press time, sources confirmed President Trump had accused Finch of deliberately selling him losing tickets and was angrily demanding a refund.
McDonald’s To Add Global Items To Food Menu #~# In a shakeup to their U.S. menu, McDonald’s plans to begin selling offerings from around the globe, including the Stroopwafel McFlurry from the Netherlands, the Grand McExtreme Bacon Burger from Spain, and Australia’s Cheesy Bacon Fries. What do you think?
Chicago Authorities Free Over 2,000 Southpaws From Illegal Mascot Mill #~# CHICAGO—In what authorities are calling the largest underground anthropomorphic-monster-breeding bust in several decades, the Chicago Police Department freed over 2,000 Southpaws Friday from an illegal White Sox mascot mill on the city’s southwest side. “We received repeated complaints from locals who mentioned excessive noise and a strong, unpleasant odor coming from this old warehouse, so we went down into the basement and found all these poor Southpaws in a small dark room. Makes your stomach turn,” said Officer Travis Gomez, who shared departmental video of the investigative team kicking down the warehouse door to reveal thousands of furry, green plush monsters, some of them less than a full season in age, all tightly confined to a cramped, low-ceilinged room without adequate lighting or ventilation. “It was really hard to see. Some of the pups tipped the scales at only 30 or 40 baseballs, a far cry from the 621 a healthy Southpaw should weigh. The adults were obviously far too malnourished to climb on top of a dugout and dance, let alone engage in a three-legged race with kids from a game-day crowd, and the females were almost broken from being kept pregnant for years on end. We’re hoping they can find a home with different minor league franchises out there, but Southpaws are pretty aggressive, so it’ll take some adjustment. Many will probably wind up with ECHL hockey teams.” Gomez urged those looking to adopt any mascot to make sure they obtain them from a reputable breeder.
Nintendo Announces That ‘Super Mario Maker 2’ Will Finally Let Users Build A Synagogue So Mario Can Get Bar Mitzvahed #~# Looks like Super Mario Maker 2 is going to be even more awesome than we first thought: Nintendo just announced that the sequel to their wildly popular 2015 world-building game will finally give users the ability to construct a synagogue so that Mario can get a Bar Mitzvah.
Businessman Mortified To Discover He’s Been Wearing Suit Backwards All Day #~# DALLAS—Finally realizing why he’d been getting so many funny looks and odd comments since leaving the house in the morning, financial analyst Christian Metz was mortified Friday to discover he had been wearing his suit backwards all day. “Oh my God, how long have my slacks, shirt, vest, and suit jacket been on backwards with my tie hanging down behind me like that?” said Metz, who admitted “feeling like a total jackass” for simply failing to notice that his lapels weren’t in front like they were supposed to be and the back of his collar was pressed up around his throat. “I must have been really out of it when I dressed myself this morning. How did I even get my belt buckled without figuring out something was off? Oh, no. I just realized I was dressed like this for my big quarterly sales presentation. Well, with any luck, nobody noticed.” At press time, Metz had yet to realize that the computer problems he had suffered through all day were the result of trying to type with his shoes on the wrong hands.
Depressed LeBron James Realizes That At His Age Copernicus Was Developing Theory Of Heliocentrism #~# LOS ANGELES—Experiencing an existential crisis after comparing accomplishments, a depressed LeBron James, 34, realized Monday that at his age Nicolaus Copernicus was already developing his groundbreaking theory of heliocentrism. “Jesus, all my life up to this point has just been playing basketball, when in his early 30s, Copernicus was already starting to lay the foundation that the sun, not the Earth, was the center of our solar system,” said James, explaining that winning three championships and becoming a four-time league MVP was fine and all, but his achievements paled in comparison to Copernicus upending the Ptolemaic model of geocentrism that had prevailed for over 1,500 years. “Sure, that was a different era, but I can’t help but feel like a failure when I think about how I’ve never redefined how we think of the universe and our place in it. Not to mention the Lakers didn’t even make the playoffs. God, at least Copernicus never had to team up with superstars like Johannes Werner and Leonardo DaVinci to attain his goal.” At press time, James was spending his offseason jotting down astronomical measurements in an attempt to construct a unified Theory of Everything.
Urban Outfitters Introducing Clothing Rental Service #~# Clothing store Urban Outfitters will introduces a service called Nuuly where, for $88 dollars per month, a customer can rent six items of clothes to wear and return. What do you think?
Song Banged Out In Half Hour By Professional Songwriters To Define Teenager’s Personality For Next Two Years #~# LOS ANGELES—Working at a clip only slightly faster than usual, a team of professional songwriters spent a half hour banging out a new song that will define local teenager Destiny Cibula’s personality for the next two years, sources reported Thursday. “All right, let’s wrap this one up and get to lunch,” a 47-year-old Swedish producer said of the future chart-topper that features a chorus written in 20 seconds and that will prove formative to Cibula’s adolescence, changing the way she sees herself and, years later, encapsulating more than anything else the nostalgia she feels for her youth. “Keep it simple—hit the root, the fourth, the fifth. There we go. ‘You’re a bird, spread your wings, blah blah blah.’ Just copy and paste the beat from whatever worked last time, as long as it’s something you can dance to at a wedding. And hurry up, I have a one o’clock reservation.” At press time, the songwriters had reportedly returned from lunch and were already putting the finishing touches on another song, this one a down-tempo number that a ninth-grade Cibula will play on repeat for hours after going through her first breakup.
Jay Inslee Recalls Decision To Run For President After 5 Teens From Across Globe Pressed Enchanted Rings Together To Call Him Into Existence #~# OLYMPIA, WA—Explaining to reporters how he had arrived at the difficult decision, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Jay Inslee recalled Thursday choosing to enter the race after five teenagers from countries across the globe pressed their enchanted rings together to call him into existence. “The leadership in Washington has failed the American people, and that’s been clear to me from the moment I was summoned into being by a multinational group of youngsters holding aloft magical jewelry given to them by the spirit of Mother Earth,” said the 68-year-old governor, adding that he had expressed some initial skepticism about jumping into an already crowded primary field when colorful beams of energy representing the four elements and love had combined to bring him to life, but had made the leap after realizing none of his fellow Democrats were giving an appropriately full-throated defense of green policies. “Democratic voters have consistently indicated that fighting climate change is a top priority, and this issue hit especially close to home for someone like me who is the manifestation of five children’s godlike environmental powers. Please join me in helping to take pollution down to zero.” Inslee then reportedly transformed into a tornado and was racing towards D.C. to advocate for the robust public investments required to achieve zero-emission energy in electricity generation by 2035.
Moby Provides Long-Range, Blurry Photo Taken Through Window To Prove He Currently Dating Natalie Portman #~# LOS ANGELES—In response to the actress’s denial that the two had ever been romantically involved, musician Moby posted a long-range, blurry photo taken through a window to his Instagram page Thursday as proof that he is currently dating Natalie Portman. “Many people have taken umbrage with the characterization of the relationship we shared in the ’90s, so here is a picture of Natalie taken last night at her hotel,” said Moby, who provided the fuzzy image as well as a publicity shot of Portman with a Getty image watermark as corroborating evidence that the pair had been happily together since 1999. “Natalie and I have been in love for 20 years, so it saddens me to hear people, including Natalie, say otherwise. But if we aren’t dating, then why am I always on the phone with her lawyers? Plus, if Natalie Portman and I weren’t soulmates, then why would I have all her trash?” At press time, Moby was refuting claims that the photo of the severed finger he had posted to his Instagram was taken without Portman’s consent.
Geologists Uncover Slab Of Amber Containing Perfectly Preserved Adam And Eve #~# TABRIZ, IRAN—In a find of enormous significance for the international geological and anthropologic communities, a team of geologists has announced the discovery of a slab of amber containing a perfectly preserved Adam and Eve. “This is an incredible and singular find, as there are very few reliable records indicating possible habitats for Adam and Eve. This is bound to shed a lot of light on humanity’s earliest living ancestors,” said lead geologist Dr. Sara Abed, explaining that the couple had evidently been somehow lured to a large tree of the genus Hymenaea, where they became trapped in a pool of its resin sometime in the early Cretaceous period; this resin later hardened and perfectly preserved the specimen until its discovery roughly 100 million years later. “The couple is a bland-looking pair of adult Caucasians with unusually mundane hairstyles, and the female is still holding what appears to be a botanical precursor to an apple, which has had a bite taken out of it. In addition, the large fig leaves they are wearing are still fully intact. With clues such as these, we can more effectively study their eating and reproductive habits. The amount of information contained in this amber slab is simply incredible.” After several rounds of tests, Dr. Abed later found no indication that the creatures actually bore any traces of human DNA.
Tyson Holds Contest To Let Fans Submit New Ideas For Torturing Chicken To Death #~# SPRINGDALE, AR—Announcing that the winner would receive a year’s supply of their frozen poultry products killed in their method of choosing, Tyson Foods unveiled a contest Thursday to let fans submit new ideas for torturing chickens to death. “We know our fans love expressing themselves as much as they love chicken nuggets, which is why we’re asking you to send us your most creative ideas for brutally slaughtering chickens at our processing plant, no matter how outlandish, disgusting, or painful,” said Tyson spokesperson John Jaworski, adding that consumers could present their ideas for lethally mistreating the animals using the hashtag #FowlPlay, encouraging them to upload videos of themselves trying out their idea on a live chicken. “We’re looking for any and all concepts for chicken torture, whether that’s firing a chicken out of a cannon into a brick wall, smashing it with a hammer, or slowly cutting its throat with a dull knife—those are just a few of our current processes to get you started. Our winners will get a chance for and all expense paid trip to our headquarters in Arkansas, where we’ll let you execute hundreds of chickens yourself using your suggestion. Bonus points are awarded to any idea that can kill over a thousand chickens simultaneously or cause them to squawk in immense pain for over 24 hours. All right, time to get creative!” At press time, Tyson Foods announced that the first winner, a Twitter user who submitted the idea of cramming dozens of chickens into a tank and pouring chicken blood into it until they all gradually suffocate on the blood and die, was at company headquarters getting a photo op with the CEO.
Japan Begins Testing Next-Gen Bullet Train #~# Japan has begun testing the ALFA-X, a next-generation bullet train with an aerodynamic nose capable of hitting a maximum speed of 248 mph, making it the fastest train of its type in the world. What do you think?
Keanu Reeves Recalls Preparing For ‘John Wick 3’ By Acting In Two Previous ‘John Wick’ Films #~# LOS ANGELES—Describing his process for bringing the assassin character to life, Keanu Reeves explained to reporters Thursday how he prepared for the title role in John Wick: Chapter 3—Parabellum by acting in the two previous John Wick movies. “I realized very early on in the development stages of John Wick 3 that the only way to really get into character was to become John Wick for a few months at a time during principal photography on two separate feature-length films whose stories would lead up to this one,” said Reeves, acknowledging that his performance in the latest movie would not have been possible had he not been given the opportunity to fully explore the role by Lionsgate Films and the team that wrote, produced, shot, and released the first and second installments. “At first, I thought that taking the character’s backstory so seriously was maybe a bit pretentious and unnecessary, but the exercise was highly recommended to me by Matt Damon, who used it for The Bourne Ultimatum and loved it, so I thought I should give it a shot. In the end, it’s all about what works best for you. Some actors use the Stanislavski or Meisner techniques to build their characters, and others need to be more hands-on by making a couple multimillion-dollar prequels.” Reeves added that he hoped the same method would allow him to turn in a career-defining performance in next year’s long-awaited third installment of the Bill & Ted franchise.
Trump Warns China Not To Underestimate His Willingness To Sacrifice Every American’s Well-Being #~# WASHINGTON—Stating that he would be sticking to his guns regardless of the consequences, President Trump warned China in a White House press briefing Thursday that its leaders should not underestimate his willingness to sacrifice the well-being of every single person in the United States. “If you think for one second I’m about to back down on this trade war, you’ve clearly failed to grasp my complete indifference toward the entire population of my country,” said the president, who affirmed his unwavering commitment to letting the price of consumer goods rise, even if it meant a certain number of American families might struggle to make ends meet or be forced to go hungry. “I’m not about to lose a fight just because we have a bunch of farmers who depend on Chinese markets and workers who will lose their jobs if factories can’t get Chinese raw materials. Believe me, I can tolerate a tremendous amount of their pain.” Trump went on to state that most Americans are “great patriots” and willing to suffer so that he can get anything wants.
Tips For Playing ‘Rage 2’ #~# Rage 2 is out now, giving gamers the chance to shoot, splatter, and slice our way through hordes of mutants on the path to saving the world. Excited? Then here are the Onion Gamers Network’s tips for braving the game’s dystopian wastelands.
Polite Disney World Guest Decides Not To Bother Mickey Mouse For Picture #~# ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to respect the privacy of the world-famous star, considerate Disney World guest Eric Daniels decided Thursday that, despite being a huge fan of Mickey Mouse’s movies and TV shows, he would not approach the anthropomorphic spokesrodent for a picture. “More than anything, I wanted to introduce myself, but I’m sure he’s constantly approached by fans when he goes out. I mean, think about it—Walt Disney World isn’t just his workplace. It’s also his home,” said Daniels, noting that while the famous actor and mouse seemed happy talking with the large group of fans gathered to meet him, a performer of his caliber was most likely being professional by interrupting his routine to pose for photos and sign autographs. “I know you shouldn’t meet your heroes, but part of me feels like if I don’t say something to him here in the Magic Kingdom, I’ll regret it my whole life. But honestly, what would I even say to a big celebrity like that anyway? That his role in Fantasia changed my life? He must hear that all the time. He’s here with his wife, just out and about, trying to enjoy the beautiful day. He probably doesn’t have time to talk to a regular person like me about the sheer genius of Steamboat Willie or Lend A Paw.” At press time, Daniels satisfied himself by attempting to take a discreet photo of Mickey Mouse without him noticing.
25 McDonald’s Employees Come Forward With Sexual Harassment Claim #~# Twenty-five employees have filed sexual harassment charges against McDonald’s, describing accusations of sexual harassment, lewd comments, and retaliation on the job. What do you think?
Woman Attempting To Cultivate Self-Love Forced To Start Completely From Scratch After Photo Where Nose Looks Kind Of Weird #~# CHICAGO—Though she has spent years learning to accept that she is a worthwhile person with a lot to offer, area 28-year-old Ashley Connell was reportedly forced to start completely from scratch in her attempts to cultivate self-love Wednesday upon seeing a photograph in which her nose looked a little bit weird. “Oh, God, that is such a bad angle,” Connell said after perusing a friend’s Instagram post and seeing the image that singlehandedly wiped out all her efforts to recognize herself as a person deserving of love and to be happy with the woman she is, regardless of her physical imperfections. “My skin looks good, and my smile is nice, but none of that really matters if my nose is jutting out like that and ruining everything. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me so much, but is that really what other people see when they look at me? Ugh. It’s hideous.” At press time, sources confirmed Connell had taken a step toward recovering her sense of self-worth upon noticing the photo made her look extra skinny.
Distraught Man Still Finding Painful Reminders Of Long-Gone Hoagie Around Apartment #~# PHILADELPHIA—Plunged into an abyss of forlorn longing by the sight of a days-old grease stain on his kitchen counter, local man Sean Richardson confessed Wednesday that he still chances across painful reminders of a long-gone but much-loved hoagie around his apartment. “God, I can’t take two steps in the kitchen without succumbing to hysterics. The empty spot in the refrigerator where I stored the second half for later is an empty spot in my heart,” said a distraught Richardson, who earlier today attempted to discard an apple core only to become emotionally overwhelmed by the sight of the oily wax paper that once cradled his beloved sandwich. “It’s like, one second I’m over it, and the next, I’m blubbering over some crumbs on the living room couch where it all began. Or I’m watching a commercial featuring happy Wawa hoagie purchasers who have all the time in the world with their new cold cuts. I want to turn it off, but I just can’t. You know, they say there will always be other sandwiches, but how could I ever move on when I still smell the scent of mine wafting in the air? My mind is still full of beautiful memories our time together.” Richardson, who has pledged to move on, claimed he still finds himself debating whether it is time to call the deli again or if doing so would only make things more difficult.
Mild Mild West: ‘Red Dead Online’ Isn’t Worth Playing Since You Can See Real Horses At The Zoo #~# After a lengthy rollout since its initial 2018 release, Red Dead Online finally exited beta last week, giving fans a reason to dive back into the game’s untamed Wild West alongside other cowboys. The open-world multiplayer definitely offers a vast and exciting frontier to explore, but it’s an experience that ultimately isn’t worth playing because you can see real horses at the zoo.
David Brooks Decries Incivility Of Modern Plumbing After Tripping On Feet And Falling Headfirst Into Toilet #~# NEW YORK—Devoting thousands of words to what he called “one of the major issues facing Americans today,” New York Times op-ed writer David Brooks decried what he viewed as the incivility of modern plumbing Wednesday after tripping on his own feet and falling headfirst into a toilet. “I was struck recently by an oft-endured but rarely discussed cruelty of our current era, as an innocuous attempt to relieve myself quickly spiraled into a saga of pain, embarrassment, and regret,” said the celebrated columnist and bestselling author of The Second Mountain, detailing how he had come to understand the coarse and barbaric nature of the widespread fluid-conveyance system after careening into the bathroom and landing with his face planted squarely in the toilet bowl, where he then struggled vainly for several minutes in an attempt to dislodge himself. “I can only imagine what it must be like for a young person growing up now. Even the smallest misstep can find them with their faces submerged in urine and fecal matter, wildly flailing their arms until they accidentally pull the flush lever, effectively giving themselves a swirly. Is this the world we want for the next generation—one where their garbled shrieks echo up from the porcelain basin without anyone coming to their aid? At times like these, we seem almost impossibly far from the graceful latrines and outhouses enjoyed by our forefathers.” Brooks reportedly appeared on PBS NewsHour to bemoan the harsh state of marriage in the U.S., expressing regret that his wife had been too busy doubling over with laughter to help her husband out of a jam. 
I Am An Affront To God #~# Look at me, I’m flying!
Coach’s Un-Athletic Son Going To Get Fucking Reamed After Game For Dropping Fly Ball #~# PHILADELPHIA—Declaring that they “wouldn’t want to be him right now,” teammates of unathletic outfielder Brett Golliver, son of Coach Bo, confirmed Wednesday that he was going to get fucking reamed out after the game for dropping a routine fly ball in the sixth inning. “Oh my God, it went right through his hands. That poor motherfucker is as good as dead,” said first baseman Tyler Dixon, recalling how Coach Bo glared with silent fury after watching his son overthrow the cut-off man on a potential double play during practice last week. “You can see coach is trying to hold it together, but as soon as that car door closes, he’s going to rip him a new one. I mean, you already know he’s pissed he had to put Tyler in the outfield ’cause he kept bobbling grounders at shortstop. Now that he’s actually cost us a run, the kid’s ears are going to be ringing for a fucking week after this.” At press time, team sources were mumbling “Here we go” after witnessing Coach Bo drop to one knee and grab his son by the shoulders.
Pros And Cons Of Noise-Canceling Headphones #~# Noise-canceling headphones are increasingly popular, but many people think they’re not worth the purchase. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of buying noise-canceling headphones.
Cousin Really Going All-In On Retweeting Porn Stars #~# BOONVILLE, MO—Noting that his 28-year-old relative was apparently comfortable making his predilections known to the world at large, local account executive Conner Burke observed Wednesday that his cousin Bradley was “going all-in” on retweeting porn stars over the last few months. “When I started following him on Twitter, I was immediately assaulted by all these images in which women named Brandy or Kaitlyn are making sexy, pouting faces while wearing skimpy, I don’t know, bikinis and so on. It’s almost always captioned with something like ‘xoxo hunnys’ or ‘hope you like my new top, oops, teehee,’ and he retweets a bunch of them at once,” said Burke, who initially considered that maybe his relative was hacked before noticing that Bradley follows 158 different pornography accounts, exclusively “likes” posts with nude or lingerie-clad women in them, and has commented “beautiful” or something similar on thousands of their selfies. “Jesus, what if his boss sees him responding to a LilMissSally post captioned ‘Thinking of you…’ by tweeting ‘u 2 sweetie?’ Does he know how this works? He knows this is public, right? Even worse, it’s starting to seem like half of his account is dedicated to sharing SthrnBelle2358’s photos, and I’m pretty sure that one’s a bot because all her bio says is ‘hi Gorgeous- i am in your town’ and her tweets all link to some site called CamWorldXXX.” Burke has decided to stop following Bradley altogether after discovering a February post in which his cousin asked a porn star to meet in person.
Britney Spears May Never Perform Again #~# Pop star Britney Spears may never perform again due to health and family issues, according to her longtime manager Larry Rudolph. What do you think?
Everything We Know About The ‘Final Fantasy VII’ Remake #~# It makes sense that Square Enix has kept their Final Fantasy VII reimagining tightly under wraps. But with the recent “State Of Play” teaser trailer and a few key leaks, we’re finally hearing some details about this highly anticipated remake. Here’s what we know so far about the Final Fantasy VII remake.
‘Game Of Thrones’ Caps Off Series Finale #~# After eight seasons of critically acclaimed high-fantasy drama, HBO’s Game Of Thrones capped off its final season this Sunday. What do you think?
Trump Demands Investigation Into Whether Clintons Gave Him Non-Registry Wedding Gift In 2005 #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that such a miscarriage of justice would not be tolerated under his watch, President Donald Trump reportedly demanded a federal investigation Monday into whether Bill and Hillary Clinton gave him a non-registry wedding gift in 2005. “Given the fact that Melania and I have no recollection of ever asking for a cast-iron Dutch oven, I am calling on the Justice Department to launch a full-scale investigation into whether the Clintons blatantly ignored our wedding registry,” said the commander in chief at a campaign rally, holding up the cooking pot while revealing that he had already directed several DOJ agents to go through all the gifts they received to determine if the former first family completely skipped over their requested luggage set, blender, and comforter in favor of getting their own unregistered present. “No one’s talking about it since they have the biased media in their pocket, but these people are totally corrupt and should spend the rest of their lives in prison for getting us this hideous pot, which clashes with all our other cookware.” At press time, Trump speculated, “Those sickos probably bought the Dutch oven with Clinton Foundation blood money,” as the crowd burst into a “Lock them up” chant.
Mom Guesses Dressbarn Closure Means She’ll Just Have To Go Shop With All The Sluts Over At Chico’s Now #~# HAMMOND, IN—Saying Dressbarn’s sudden closure had left her bereft of stylish-yet-modest clothing options, local mom Susan Bell reportedly guessed Tuesday that she’ll just have to go shop with all those sluts over at Chico’s now. “I hope I don’t catch the clap rubbing elbows with all those Chico’s tramps while I’m trying to buy a flowy maxi dress or thigh-length cardigan,” said Bell, looking aghast as she scanned the Chico’s website for flattering blouses that wouldn’t “leave my tits popping out all over the place.” “Tank tops, leopard-print ponchos, high-waisted palazzo pants; what am I, some red-mouthed whore? That floozy Kathleen Meyer and her wino friends all shop at Chico’s, and they’re always whoring up the Rotary Club meetings. I can’t let anyone see me shopping there or they’ll think I’m one of those tarts.” At press time, Bell had returned from Talbots empty handed, announcing she wasn’t about to spend $200 to dress like grandma.
People Criticizing ‘Anthem’ Don’t Understand The Developer’s Vision Of A Game That Had To Come Out This Past Fiscal Year #~# Ever since Anthem was released in February, players have been slamming BioWare and EA because the repetitive gameplay and lackluster story fell well short of expectations. This is sadly in line with a disturbing trend in gaming, where players criticize developers based on their own ideal version of the game and not what the creators were actually trying to do. People attacking Anthem need to understand the developer’s vision, which was a AAA third-person shooter that absolutely had to come out in the fiscal year ending March 31.
Freedom-Wielding High Schooler Freedoms Down 16 Classmates In Latest Mass Freedoming #~# NORTHAMPTON, MA—In a deadly exercise of freedom that has already sparked nationwide debate, authorities confirmed Tuesday that freedom-wielding high school sophomore Langston Perry Shamet freedomed down 16 classmates in the latest in a series of mass freedomings. “This tragedy was a senseless act of freedom perpetrated by a young man who was able to get his hands on freedom without going through any background checks,” said activist Wesley Monroe, citing video footage that showed Shamet practicing with his legally purchased freedom at a public freedom range just days before using semi-automatic freedom to incapacitate his school’s security guard and exercise his God-given freedom upon several dozen classmates. “These demonstrations of our freedoms are just getting bigger and bigger and claiming more and more lives. This was already the 24th mass freedoming at a public school since January, not to mention one of the bloodiest. While some find it convenient to blame certain video games which crudely express freedom, this tragedy represents a failure of the state to ensure the welfare of its citizens. Police had ample advance warning that Wes was a freedom nut, and they refused to act before he had already committed a brutal celebration of his personal freedom. It’s a shame that people are reacting to this crisis by advocating for the public to acquire more and deadlier freedoms instead of taking a closer look at the damage these freedoms have done to so many innocent Americans.” Families of the victims of this latest freedom have, in the meantime, requested privacy in this immense time of freedom. 
Zion Williamson Excited To Play For Team With Proven History Of Frittering Away Generational Talents #~# NEW ORLEANS—Claiming it would be an honor to follow in the footsteps of players like Chris Paul and Anthony Davis, Zion Williamson told reporters Tuesday that he’s excited to play for a team with a proven history of frittering away generational talents. “It will honestly be surreal to step on a court where such great players have been wasted year after year. Nobody is better than New Orleans at throwing away a promising career, and now, it’s my turn,” said Williamson, noting that the Smoothie King Center was hallowed ground that has been the graveyard of so many all-time greats’ dreams. “I just know the Pelicans will be able to surround me with sub-par, mismatched teammates and a coaching staff that’ll definitely get fired within the next few years. It’s tough to deal with the uncertainty of the draft, so knowing I’m going to end up with such a consistently disappointing franchise is great. I know they will do everything they can to make me regret ever declaring early.” At press time, Williamson told reporters that he expected to set the franchise record for trade requests.
New Chocolate Flavor ‘Ruby’ Coming To U.S. #~# The U.S. will soon be introduced to ruby chocolate, a slightly sour and sweet-flavored variation made from a special form of the cocoa berry found in the Ivory Coast and Brazil, thus giving the world’s largest chocolate market its first new chocolate type in 80 years. What do you think?
Wedding Experts Say Engagement Ring Should Cost At Least Three Diamond Miners’ Lives #~# NEW YORK—Maintaining that the jewelry was absolutely essential in communicating trust and commitment to your partner, matrimony experts confirmed Tuesday that an adequate engagement ring should cost at least three diamond miners’ lives. “This tradition is still with us for good reason: A diamond is tangible proof that your unique and eternal love is worth any sacrifice, which in this case is a minimum of three diamond miners from Sierra Leone,” said wedding advisor Dori Drysdale, cautioning couples against buying a ring that had not passed through a sufficient number of fatally exploited men’s hands. “People are often surprised by how cheap these lives really are, and the feeling is that a ring that costs less than three lives is perhaps good enough for a daughter’s sweet 16. If you’re not willing to spend a few human lives to show a partner how you feel, then exactly what’s your commitment level? Marriage is forever, and you’ll want to choose a ring that’ll make an impression on the family of several diamond miners. Otherwise, it’s just tacky, and worse, it’s wasteful.” Drysdale recommended that couples earning six-figure salaries look into traveling to South Africa and killing a miner themselves in order to really make the occasion special.
San Francisco Bans Facial Recognition Technology #~# In a first for U.S. cities, San Francisco banned all local agencies, such as law enforcement and transit authorities, from using facial recognition technology. What do you think?
Actor Who Portrayed The Night King Recalls Challenge Of Playing Character With No Purpose #~# BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND—Shedding light on the difficult process of believably portraying the Game Of Thrones villain the Night King, actor Vladimir Furdik opened up to reporters Monday about the creative challenge of playing a character with absolutely no purpose whatsoever. “The Night King was a very demanding role because all my character did was just sort of stand there, so it’s on you as the actor to sell his emotions and make up for the fact that he had no narrative function,” said Furdik, explaining that in order to really get into the Night King’s mindset, he focused on thinking about ice all day long, a strategy he developed after reading all of George R.R. Martin’s books, which provided him with no additional information on how his character actually felt or fit into the series as a whole. “I kept asking David Benioff and D.B. Weiss if the Night King was going to have any meaningful impact on the story, but they kept dodging the question and telling me to “look evil.” The scene where my character killed one of the dragons was pretty cool, and I enjoyed getting to flex my acting muscles by pretending to throw a spear. Beyond that, though, all I really did was show up to set in costume. It’s tough when your character has no arc, personality, or reason to exist.” Furdik also thanked the cast mates who played Samwell Tarly and Ser Podrick Payne for understanding first-hand the struggle of portraying characters that also had no effect on the series’ ultimate conclusion.
Relationship Experts Still No Closer To Discovering What Scarlett Johansson Sees In Colin Jost #~# NEW YORK—Frustrated that two years of rigorous study have failed to yield any insight, relationship experts at Columbia University conceded Monday they have made no progress in determining what, exactly, Scarlett Johansson sees in her fiancé, Saturday Night Live star Colin Jost. “We’ve ruled out the possibility Ms. Johansson is attracted to Mr. Jost’s wealth or status, as she is the highest-paid actress in the world and, unlike her partner, widely admired in her field,” said Columbia sociologist Dana Gourley, adding that researchers were unable to formulate a plausible hypothesis of what the couple even talks about, given that the “Weekend Update” anchor appears to possess no personality traits that could be deemed interesting or appealing. “Furthermore, we know her attraction to him can’t be merely physical because repeated surveys, facial-symmetry analysis, and other standard metrics confirm Ms. Johansson is dramatically better looking than Mr. Jost. We simply cannot pinpoint what he has to offer her. We have to throw out every scientific model of human attraction ever devised and start over.” Gourley and her colleagues went on to present data showing it would make far more sense for Scarlett Johansson to be engaged to Kevin Nealon or even Norm Macdonald.
Adrenaline-Fueled Mother Lifts Heavy Child From Car #~# WAUKESHA, WI—In what witnesses are calling “nothing short of a miracle,” mother Anne Packer’s protective maternal survival instincts evidently prompted an explosive adrenaline release Friday when the mother lifted a heavy child from her car. “Once that woman realized how deep her kid was stuck in there, something changed. Her voice got louder and deeper, she dropped her tote bag where she stood, planted her feet, and by God if she didn’t pick that massive chunker right up off its carseat,” said onlooker Bryan Jackson, who admitted he was “terrified” the 37-year-old woman would be crushed by the sheer mass of her ponderous toddler, but found himself simply too awestruck to help. “I thought her shirt was going to split across her shoulders. You wouldn’t think a normal woman would be able to get her arms around that much corn-syrup-fed toddler, let alone hoist him up into the air. Her legs buckled for a second, but sure enough, she heaved the entire damn thing onto her shoulder. I really thought they were going to need a crane.” Bystanders then watched in awe as Packer carried her colossal child 20 yards to the grocery store.
Cory Booker Tries To Relate To Rural Voters By Mangling Hand In Grain Auger #~# OSCEOLA, IA—In an attempt to show how much he had in common with the audience at a campaign event on an Iowa farm, Democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker tried to connect with rural voters Friday by deliberately mangling his hand in a grain auger. “Trust me when I say I understand the challenges faced by folks here in the Corn Belt because I know what it’s like to—oh, fuck! Oh, my fucking God!—suffer—holy fucking Jesus!—to suffer a debilitating farm accident,” said the New Jersey senator, biting his lip and raising the bloody, mutilated remains of his right hand in solidarity with farm workers in the crowd. “To voters throughout the American heartland, let me say this: Good-fucking-God!! Holy shitarrrghhh!! I have walked a mile in your shoes. I get that—hoo baby, okay, okay—that you need access to quality healthcare in your community, and believe me when I tell you that’s exactly what I am demanding, right here and now. Some of these people in Washington, their soft hands completely intact and never disfigured by an honest day’s work, may not get it, but—damn, damn, damn, damn, help me, help me, help me—I do.” At press time, sources confirmed Booker had continued to display empathy with the audience by explaining he now fully understood the struggles of opioid addiction.
Man Has Extra Spring In His Step After Getting News That Classmate Moved Home And Stopped Pursuing Her Dream #~# CHICAGO—His day blessed with a fresh new atmosphere of positivity and hope, former aspiring illustrator and current systems analyst Bryan Marsh, 29, walked with an extra spring in his step Monday after receiving the news that one of his classmates had moved back home and stopped pursuing her dreams. “Oh boy, oh boy! It’s a zippity-doo-dah day for me, that’s for damn sure. Hey there, Mister Sun! Isn’t it positively beautiful out?” said Marsh, who repeatedly stopped to ruffle the hair of passing children and winked jauntily at his neighbors while loudly marveling at the difference a little shift in perspective can make after word reached him that talented, ambitious classmate Heather Thompson had moved back in with her parents and put her dreams of being an artist on the back burner for the time being, and for now was focused on saving money and spending time with her aging mother and father. “The air is sweet, the bluebirds are singing, and just like that, I have one less person to compete with or compare myself to—oh, the world’s just a marvelous place!” Marsh’s mood later transformed into deep depression after he was informed that a different classmate had won a $700 two-week arts fellowship.
In Major Blow To Sony’s Upcoming PlayStation 5, Microsoft Announces PlayStation 6 #~# Sony made waves last month when chief architect Mike Cerny gave a first look at the specs for the next-gen successor to the PlayStation 4, making them the first to throw their hat in the ring for the next round of console wars. But all that excitement just fell by the wayside because today, in a major blow to Sony’s upcoming plans for the PlayStation 5, Microsoft announced its new console: the PlayStation 6.
Entire Southern Border Somehow On Fire 10 Minutes After Kushner Begins Tackling Immigration System #~# WASHINGTON—As towers of black smoke billowed up across the charred strip of land, sources confirmed Monday that the entire southern border was somehow on fire just 10 minutes after Jared Kushner began tackling the U.S. immigration system. “Just moments after Kushner made his first phone call to the head of ICE, we began receiving reports of 40-foot tall flames spontaneously combusting across the U.S.–Mexico border,” said acting Department of Homeland Security secretary Kevin McAleenan, noting the entirety of the nearly 2,000-mile boundary was burning and that attempts to extinguish the raging inferno only seemed to make the blaze grow more powerful. “We’ve asked Mr. Kushner to please stop emailing us for the time being because every time he hits the send button, a border patrol checkpoint explodes, which is obviously not ideal. We’re confident, however, that if we can figure out how to better control the wall of fire, it may prove an inexpensive way to control undocumented entry into the country.” At press time, a deep fissure had begun swallowing homes along the Canadian border following Kushner’s tour of a detainment camp for immigrant children.
Weary, Cynical Woman Knows Better Than To Bring Tomato Plant Into World Like This #~# SPRINGFIELD, MO—Citing political turmoil across the globe and the grim realities of life on a planet facing a climate crisis, jaded local woman Kristen Sloane told reporters Monday that she knows better than to try to bring a tomato plant into a world like this one. “You take a look around yourself, see the way things are these days, and you’d either have to be incredibly selfish or just plain naïve to subject an innocent cherry tomato seedling to all this,” said Sloane, who mentioned the spread of terrorist attacks and right-wing nationalism as just two of many factors that have discouraged her from starting a home garden. “It’s not that I wouldn’t want some little vines of my own. It’s just that when you consider the world could be facing a mass extinction, not to mention inevitable wars over dwindling resources, you start to ask, ‘What’s the point? What am I even raising heirloom varieties for?’ And if I’m being honest with myself, I can’t justify growing a single tomato, let alone enough to put on salads and make sauce from.” At press time, sources confirmed Sloane was steeling herself to euthanize a wild strawberry plant that had blossomed along her backyard fence. 
Nation’s Math Professors Announce Plans To Continue Wearing Chinos With Running Shoes Indefinitely #~# QUINCY, MA—Confirming that they have no intention of modifying the traditional uniform of their profession at any point in the foreseeable future, mathematics professors from across the country joined their voices Monday to reaffirm their commitment to wearing chinos with running shoes. “We believe that this singular look has really been working for us for the past few decades, allowing as always for slight variations such as the presence or absence of pleats and the availability of slightly different varieties of white Reebok footwear, and we have decided to formally recommit to this outfit for as long as our profession continues to exist,” said Boston University vector analysis professor Paul Slavish, explaining that the pairing of khakis with cross trainers had become the symbol of his profession, as it offered a perfect combination of professionalism, approachability, and the comfort vital for on-campus life. “We acknowledge that our sneakers, while technically advanced, will never be used for actual running; our pants, while relatively clean, will never actually be ironed; and that this lower ensemble will always be paired with either a dress shirt two sizes too large or a sweat-wicking polo shirt that has never—and will never—wick away the sweat of exercise. Never shall we stray from this sacred combination, which proclaims at a glance that we are casual, unfussy people who happen to be very serious about mathematics. Plus, check out all these side pockets!” Slavish also confirmed that certain professors would occasionally wear a wacky necktie printed with mathematical symbols, but that this would occur at a maximum of three days per semester. 
SAT To Add ‘Adversity Score’ To Address Socioeconomic Disparities #~# The College Board announced it would take into account 15 factors that evaluate family income, social environments, and educational disparities in order to calculate an “adversity score” for SAT test takers to send to college admissions departments. What do you think?
Candidate With No Chance Of Winning Nomination Settles On Goal Of Crushing Hickenlooper Campaign #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Laying out his vision for 2020, Rep. Tim Ryan (D-OH) told supporters Monday that with no chance of securing his party’s nomination for the presidency, he would instead settle for absolutely demolishing the campaign of his fellow Democrat John Hickenlooper. “Let’s face it, I’m probably not going to win a single delegate in this race, but I can still go door to door in Iowa telling people that John Hickenlooper represents everything that is wrong with America,” said Ryan, who explained that upon reviewing his poll numbers, he decided to invest nearly all of his campaign funds in opposition research and attack ads aimed at taking down the Colorado governor. “I’m gonna come out swinging at that fucker and hit him with everything I’ve got. Has he had an affair? Has he taken big donations from Wall Street? I have no idea, but I’m gonna try pinning that and much worse on him just to see if it sticks. Mark my words, I am in this race to beat John Hickenlooper, and I’m staying in it until the day he withdraws.” Ryan went on to pledge that if the two of them ever made it to the debate stage, he would devote his entire time to interrupting every word Hickenlooper speaks.
Inslee Releases $9 Trillion Climate Plan #~# Jay Inslee, the governor of Washington and a 2020 Democratic presidential candidate, rolled out the second plank of his climate change plan, pledging to achieve carbon neutrality by 2045 and add 8 million jobs to the U.S. economy. What do you think?
The History Of Robocalls #~# There were more than 48 billion robocalls across the country in 2018, a nearly 50% increase from the previous year, continuing a frustrating practice that’s endured for decades. The Onion looks back at the history of robocalls.
Adam Gase To Play All 22 Positions After Pushing Out Entire Jets Team #~# NEW YORK—Cleaning house after a dispute over the direction the team has taken this offseason, New York Jets head coach and interim general manager Adam Gase announced plans Friday to play all 22 positions on the field next season after pushing out the entire roster. “Coach Gase felt that the franchise needed a fresh start, and he wanted to put together a team that was truly crafted in his image, which is why he will be taking over all quarterbacking, offensive line, and defensive back roles,” said spokesperson Erica Martin, revealing that each of the 53 active Jets players had been cut so that Gase could assume their duties, along with all coordinators, the team president, and the stadium grounds crew. “Coach Gase has a bold vision for the Jets, and he intends to be at the center of every personnel decision, kickoff, screen pass, and blitz. Now that he’s found the perfect roster to fit his system, we are excited to see how this strategy plays out, even if he may be stretching himself thin by acting as team doctor as well.” At press time, the Jets spokesperson had resigned to make way for new Jets spokesperson Adam Gase.
World Rejoices As Grumpy Cat And Her Shitty Attitude Dead Forever #~# MORRISTOWN, AZ—Pouring into the streets to celebrate the passing of the viral internet sensation, the entire world populace let out a cheer upon learning Grumpy Cat and her shitty attitude had finally died and would stay dead forever, sources confirmed Friday. “Thank God we don’t have to deal with that asshole cat and her reign of negativity anymore,” said Cleveland-area social media user Candice Butler, one of 7.3 billion people who reportedly began to smile and walk with a bit more pep in their step as soon as the loathed feline—known for continually sulking and bringing everyone down—had been confirmed dead. “For years, Grumpy Cat has shown up everywhere online, poisoning our lives with her sour disposition and making us feel stupid for liking anything. Who was she to be so whiny and cynical about the world? She made millions of dollars just by sitting there and glowering. I’m relieved I’ll never have to see her stupid shit-eating frown ever again. Good fucking riddance.” At press time, reports indicated that thousands were lined up at the local pet cemetery where Grumpy Cat has been interred, each awaiting their turn to piss on her grave.
Bleeding John Bolton Stumbles Into Capitol Building Claiming That Iran Shot Him #~# WASHINGTON—Bursting through the Congressional chamber doors while moaning and clutching his shoulder, John Bolton reportedly stumbled into the Capitol building Friday claiming that he’d been shot by Iran. “Help, help, I’ve just been attacked by a large Middle Eastern country around 636,000 square miles in size,” said the national security advisor, telling those assembled that he’d just been minding his own business when an aggressive Islamic Republic had thrown him on the ground and shot him with a long-range missile. “Right after Iran shot me, I heard the nation laugh and say ‘Somebody stop me before I go on a homicidal rampage.’ It was acting crazed and irrational, and I could smell enriched uranium coming from one of its urban centers. Please, hurry, if we move quickly, we might still be able to catch it before it’s too late.” Upon further questioning, Bolton admitted that the incident had happened so fast that it was possible he’d been attacked by Venezuela or North Korea. 
Michael Wolff Finishes Sequel To ‘Fire And Fury’ #~# Author Michael Wolff has finished another document of the current White House administration titled Siege: Trump Under Fire, promising an equally “essential and explosive” account as its predecessor, Fire And Fury. What do you think?
‘Game Of Thrones’ Showrunners Disappointed With How Quality Of Fans Has Dropped Off Over Past Couple Seasons #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying their once-beloved viewers have lost much of their luster in recent years, Game Of Thrones showrunners D.B. Weiss and David Benioff acknowledged Friday they have been frustrated with the way fans of the HBO series have declined in quality over the past few seasons. “During the show’s first couple of years, our viewers showed a lot of promise and challenged our assumptions about what a fan base could be,” Benioff told reporters, lamenting the fact that when Game Of Thrones moved past George R.R. Martin’s original source material, the show’s supporters began to lose coherence and now barely resemble the industry-defining audience they once were. “At this point, however, they’ve become a tired cliché. It’s hard to watch them lose everything that made us love them in the first place. Nothing they do makes any sense anymore, and it just seems like they want the show to be over with as quickly as possible. It’s pretty sad, to be honest.” At press time, Benioff and Weiss expressed regret that they failed to do more to prevent the fans from becoming so unbelievably shitty.
Excited Archaeologists Hit Mass Grave Jackpot #~# NIMRUD, IRAQ—Popping open a bottle of champagne and dancing with a mummified corpse in celebration, Smithsonian Institution archeologist Dr. Kathleen Roberts confessed she was “excited as all hell” Thursday after “hitting the mass grave jackpot” in northern Iraq. “Booyah! I mean, seriously, fuck yeah—we’re rolling in bones, baby,” said Roberts, throwing handfuls of Holocene-era rib bones into the air and standing under the confetti-like cascade of osseous chips. “Rang-a-dang, suckers! This is why I got into the business. I mean, you hear about people hitting the burial site lottery like this, but you never think it’s going to happen to you. There must be a 10-foot layer of bones down there! We got warrior bones, kids’ bones, skeletons of virgins tied to stakes. It must have been an absolute bloodbath. Truly horrific. I’m gonna be stinking rich! No more trying to get excited about a body here or a possible sacrifice there. Just goes to show, you gotta keep playing to win though.” Roberts then stripped to her underwear, lustily rubbed her hands together, and dove headfirst into the staggering assemblage of scientifically significant ancient remains.
Friends Place Memorial On Section Of Six Flags Roller Coaster Track Where Guest Died #~# VALENCIA, CA—Solemnly braving the 230-foot heights of the steel roller coaster while carrying bouquets of flowers, framed photographs, and personal letters, friends of recently deceased Jeff Brinkley placed a memorial at the exact spot on the Six Flags Viper ride Thursday where their companion met his untimely and tragic end. “When riders zoom past and lift their hands into air, I hope they glimpse these beautiful tributes hanging off the corkscrew and know that the 70 mile-per-hour wind on their cheeks is Jeff,” said Brinkley’s former classmate Ericka Troutworth, who was among the group of friends that returns every night to relight memorial candles, which are regularly blown out when the Viper’s 36-person train speeds past them. “At least Jeff died as he lived, screaming at the top of his lungs while a steel bar held him firmly in an open car accelerating towards the Earth in a terrifying plummet.” Those who wish to pay their respects are invited to a candlelight vigil to be held at 9 p.m. tomorrow on the coaster’s straight section after the hammerhead turn, across from the ghost car.
Arizona Legalizes Nunchucks #~# Arizona Governor Doug Ducey signed a bill this week removing nunchucks from a list of prohibited weapons that includes bombs, gun silencers, and automatic firearms, saying they pose less of a threat than a baseball bat. What do you think?
Bugs Bunny Explains How LeBron Helped Him Get Sober For Role In ‘Space Jam’ Sequel #~# BURBANK, CA—Saying he wanted to thank the four-time NBA MVP for encouraging him to put his dangerous party days behind him, famed Looney Tunes star Bugs Bunny described Thursday how his friend LeBron James helped him get sober for their appearance together in the forthcoming Space Jam sequel.
Alabama Effectively Bans Abortion #~# The Alabama Senate approved a law effectively banning abortions without exception, setting up a fight that could decide the fate of Roe v. Wade. What do you think?
They Did it Again: During Wednesday’s Nintendo Direct The Company Announced The Beauty Of A Rose #~# Fans have been eagerly looking forward to yesterday’s Nintendo Direct, and it was worth the wait. During the online presentation, Nintendo announced the beauty of a rose, the delicate splendor of each crimson petal, the poetry of its elegant stem.
BREAKING: Situation Worsens In Venezuela, Bolivia, U.S., Japan, Mexico, Iraq, Spain #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming recent reports of conditions approaching crisis levels, sources across the globe revealed Thursday that the situation continues to worsen in Venezuela, Bolivia, the United States, Japan, Mexico, Iraq, and Spain, in addition to South Sudan, India, Gabon, Indonesia, Vietnam, and Saudi Arabia. “What we’re seeing is a sustained trend of things continuing to unravel in Niger, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Russia, Tanzania, East Timor, Jamaica, Pakistan, Zimbabwe, Afghanistan, Palestine, and the United Kingdom,” said sources, stressing that the nightmare scenario faced by the people of Nigeria, Algeria, Kuwait, Australia, Turkmenistan, Canada, and South Korea showed no signs of abating in the foreseeable future, and if anything, would continue spinning out of control for the foreseeable future. “Sadly, earlier reports of the situation improving in Ukraine, France, Chad, Albania, Micronesia, South Africa, and Kosovo were premature. In fact, the frightening pattern we’re witnessing suggests that it will further degrade from here on out for Kenya, Guinea-Bissau, Israel, Sweden, Azerbaijan, Lebanon, Bosnia, and Herzegovina, Belarus, Eritrea, Norway, Ecuador, Uzbekistan, Latvia, Palau, Antigua, the Czech Republic, Iran, Swaziland, Brunei, New Zealand, Portugal, Mongolia, Luxembourg, Nauru, Vanuatu, North Korea, Seychelles, Jordan, Sudan, China, Poland, Tonga, Sierra Leone, Togo, Slovenia, the Dominican Republic, Monaco, Madagascar, Egypt, the United Arab Emirates, Costa Rica, Mauritius, Hungary, Cyprus, Benin, Mauritania, the Marshall Islands, Ethiopia, Belgium, Georgia, Singapore, Senegal, Papua New Guinea, Bahrain, Argentina, Uganda, Guatemala, Cambodia, Gambia, Peru, Angola, Switzerland, Oman, Burkina Faso, Denmark, Bulgaria, St. Vincent, the Grenadines, Italy, Romania, Liechtenstein, Yemen, Samoa, Vatican City, Liberia, Comoros, Armenia, the Philippines, the Maldives, Iceland, Belize, Moldova, Fiji, Estonia, Paraguay, the Netherlands, Rwanda, Bangladesh, Mali, Germany, the Solomon Islands, Andorra, Gabon, Barbados, Kazakhstan, Cameroon, Tuvalu, Chile, Laos, Lithuania, Bahamas, Equatorial, Guinea, El Salvador, Ghana, East Timor, Cape Verde, Djibouti, Turkey, Mozambique, Burundi, Cuba, Morocco, Ireland, Namibia, Syria, Slovakia, the Ivory Coast, the Central African Republic, Finland, Nepal, Haiti, Croatia, Honduras, Austria, San Marino, Grenada, Tunisia, Brazil, Montenegro, Qatar, Greece, Thailand, Botswana, Malawi, Suriname, St. Lucia, Nicaragua, Colombia, Uruguay, Macedonia, Trinidad and Tobago, Guyana, Panama, Taiwan, Sao Tome and Principe, Tajikistan, Guinea, Sri Lanka, Malaysia, Bhutan, Myanmar, Kiribati, Libya, Lesotho, Somalia, Kyrgyzstan, Zambia, Serbia, Dominica, and Malta.” At press time, several reports indicated that St. Kitts and Nevis, however, seemed to be doing fine.
Woman Walking Alone At Night Picks Up Pace After Spotting Truck Full Of Alabama Lawmakers Slowly Following Her #~# MONTGOMERY, AL—Quickening her pace as the vehicle flashed its brights, Alabama woman Alison Kyles, 29, reportedly hurried towards home Thursday after spotting a pickup truck full of Alabama lawmakers slowly following her. “At first, I thought I was just being paranoid when I saw that old Chevy full of state legislators creeping along behind me a few blocks back, but then they turned down the same alleyway as me and I started to panic,” said Kyles, who glanced over her shoulder in visible distress as she heard Senator Clyde Chambliss repeatedly revving the truck’s engine. “They’re clearly riled up after a day of legislating and are just out to cause some trouble. Oh, God, I think that’s Del Marsh leaning out of the passenger window and trying to holler something at me. Christ, I’m just going to keep my head down and hope all of them pass me by.” At press time, Kyles had broken into a full-on sprint after realizing in horror that she had accidentally turned onto the street directly in front of the Alabama State House.
Pfizer Denies Encouraging Drug Abuse By Packaging Fentanyl With Cooking Spoon, Lighter #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to address the growing controversy surrounding widespread non-medical use of their products, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer released a statement Thursday categorically denying that packaging fentanyl with cooking spoons and lighters should be interpreted as an encouragement of drug abuse. “This groundless speculation that we somehow support the practice of drug abuse has no basis in fact. Pfizer is in the business of helping people, and it’s absolutely outrageous to imply otherwise,” said Pfizer spokesperson Mallory Choi, explaining that the company’s packaging of fentanyl with a cooking spoon, lighter, and a rubber tube was simply a matter of convenience for those who wish to enjoy the synthetic opioid recreationally, and it should under no circumstances be interpreted as official approval of drug abuse by the company as a whole. “If people choose to abuse this vital medicine, that’s their prerogative. It’s outrageous to think that we would willingly encourage drug addiction among our customers just because the product’s packaging includes step-by-step instructions for how to evenly heat the spoon. Such implications are simply preposterous abdications of the very idea of personal responsibility.” Choi refused to comment on the $45 million tax refund Pfizer received on the spoons and lighters in 2018 when it claimed the branded accoutrements as an advertising expense.
‘New York Times’ Rehires Judith Miller To Cover Escalating Iran Tensions #~# NEW YORK—In a press release heralding the latest addition to its masthead, The New York Times announced Thursday it had rehired Judith Miller to cover the Trump administration’s escalating tensions with Iran. “The experience Ms. Miller brings to bear is unmatched, and we’re confident and excited to welcome her back to the team,” read a statement from the news organization, which explained how the veteran journalist’s past reporting on the Middle East made her a natural fit at a time when U.S. officials have claimed, without providing evidence, that a key player in the region has become an imminent threat. “Judith has cultivated numerous sources within the national security community and has a proven track record of breaking major stories. We can think of no one better positioned to generate exclusive scoops and drive the paper’s front-page coverage at a time when the White House—despite extreme opposition from American allies—looks for a pretext to launch a military campaign against a Middle Eastern country. We really think her past work speaks for itself.” Reached for comment, both Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and National Security Adviser John Bolton said they looked forward to citing Miller’s reports.
Wikipedia Blocked In China #~# Internet researchers found that community-edited encyclopedia Wikipedia has been blocked in China, joining thousands of other websites that have been censored by the country’s Communist Party. What do you think?
Nationals GM Introduces Players To New Stepmanager #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to ease the team into a new period of transition, Washington Nationals general manager Mike Rizzo took a moment Wednesday to introduce his players to their new stepmanager. “Everyone, this is Dale. You’re going to be seeing a lot more of him from now on, and I want you make him feel nice and welcome,” said Rizzo of the new addition to the National League East club, explaining that the team may have noticed him hanging around recently and joining in on team dinners in the past weeks, and that he would now officially be a permanent fixture of the dugout. “We want to make him a part of the Nationals family. Just give him a chance, and you’ll see that he cares about you just as much as any other manager would—so I want you to give him all your attention and respect. We know you love your normal manager, but Dale cares about you, too. That means no sass and no pranks, got it?” At press time, the Nationals’ new stepmanager had been overheard referring to several outfielders as “a bunch of little shits,” after they forgot to clean up their helmets after batting practice.
New Tamagotchi Can Have Children And Marry #~# Bandai America announced a revamped version of the Tamagotchi, updating the ’90s toy to give the electronic creatures the ability to breed and marry one another through a wireless connection. What do you think?
Mike Gravel Can’t Believe His Polling Numbers Neck-And-Neck With Fucking Nobody Like Wayne Messam #~# BURLINGAME, CA—Stressing that he is a “two-term United States senator for Christ’s sake,” White House Democratic hopeful Mike Gravel told reporters Wednesday that he can’t believe he’s polling neck-and-neck with a fucking nobody like Florida mayor Wayne Messam. “That Messam prick’s been in politics for, what, a few years? I was a legislator in nineteen-fucking-sixty-three. I should be in with the big dogs like Bernie or Liz Warren, not slumming it in the pissant 20,000-donors club,” said the 88-year-old prospective candidate, who added that “you would think a name like Mike goddamn Gravel would carry a little more weight than a mayor of some podunk town in godforsaken Florida.” “I’m the son of a bitch who read the Pentagon Papers into Congressional Record. Now, I’m competing to qualify for debates with this no-name Messam asshole, not to mention that hippy-dippy bullshit author Marianne Whatever-The-Hell-Her-Name-Is [Williamson]. I’m not even polling at 1% yet. Is it me or is there something really fucked with that picture? Wayne Messam, my ass.” At press time, Messam had pulled ahead of Gravel in the polls.
Traveling Is An Incredible Way To Meet Vulnerable People Nobody Will Go Looking For #~# Many travel for the pleasures of sightseeing. Others to experience a different culture: its history, its art, its food. For me, the best part of a trip abroad is the folks you meet along the way. Whether it’s the impressionable backpacker willing to follow you into the dense jungles of Cambodia or the elderly tourist you lure down the historic narrow alleyways of Belfast, traveling offers a chance to encounter vulnerable people no one will know to go looking for.
Abused 12-Year-Old Alabama Girl Doesn’t Think She Can Handle Being A Mom On Top Of Everything Else #~# MONTGOMERY, AL—Conveying her concerns that the additional obstacles presented by parenthood would be too much to bear, 12-year-old abuse survivor Abigail Dunn was reportedly worried Wednesday that she wouldn’t be able to handle being a mom on top of everything else she had going on. “I have several book reports and a big algebra test coming up in the next few weeks, and I had even been thinking about trying out for my school’s chorus, but giving birth and caring for an infant is going to really cut into my studying time,” said the seventh-grader, who acknowledged that the intense feelings of shame and fear associated with trauma had already placed her significantly behind her peers and added that there would likely be even greater challenges to raising the offspring of the man who attacked her. “This year has been hard in a lot of ways. We had to move to a new neighborhood, and my family life has been very, very bad, especially recently. My relationship with my stepdad is pretty much a nightmare. I wish I were responsible enough to look after a baby, but I’m just so scared that I won’t be. I’m really sorry.” At press time, Dunn had expressed hope that her unborn child would be friends with the babies of all her fellow pregnant classmates. 
Pros And Cons Of Weighted Blankets #~# Weighted blankets have skyrocketed in popularity, with enthusiastic users touting their health benefits, but they may not be right for everyone. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of using a weighted blanket.
Aides Request John Bolton Please Stop Setting Fire To Middle East Tactical Map #~# WASHINGTON—Saying his outbursts have hindered their ability to hold constructive military strategy sessions, top Pentagon aides have repeatedly asked National Security Advisor John Bolton to stop setting fire to their Middle East tactical map, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We keep trying to lay out troop deployment options for Mr. Bolton, but it’s difficult when he just barges in, pours lighter fluid all over the map, and flicks a lit match on top,” said Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan, who acknowledged this was hardly the first time Bolton had destroyed a tabletop display of the region while screaming, “Burn, motherfuckers, burn!” “He’s the one who requested a more robust military plan, but it’s hard to brief him when you’re looking at a bunch of melted blotches and you can’t tell what’s Syria and what’s Iran. He even burned up the components on the map representing our own troops. Honestly, it’s hard enough getting through meetings with a guy who stops up his ears and screams anytime the word ‘Iraq’ is mentioned.” At press time, President Trump had reportedly viewed the remnants of the map and signed off on Bolton’s plan.
EA Announces New Revenue Model Just Deleting Everyone’s ‘Anthem’ Characters Unless They Send Company $300 In Next Hour #~# Anthem fans, take notice: Electronic Arts just announced they’re rolling out a new revenue model for the game that involves deleting everyone’s characters unless they send the company $300 in the next hour.
Dow Plunges As China–U.S. Trade War Escalates #~# Wall Street suffered one of its worst days of 2019 after China raised tariffs on $60 billion worth of U.S. goods after President Trump followed through on threats to do so on $200 billion worth of Chinese goods. What do you think?
Deutsche Bank Begins Removing Possessions From White House After Trump Defaults On Loan #~# WASHINGTON—As the inconsolable president stood outside in his threadbare robe in the early hours of Wednesday morning, employees sent by Deutsche Bank began removing possessions from the White House after Donald Trump defaulted on his loans, sources confirmed. “Come on, guys, just give me a couple more weeks and I can get the money together—no, not the TV!” said the tear-stricken commander in chief as repossession officers from the German bank carried items including the Resolute Desk, a portrait of Andrew Jackson, and his golf clubs out of the White House, informing him that the bank could no longer wait for him to pay back millions of dollars of debt. “Not the china, that was Reagan’s! Please, you guys know I’m good for it. I have the funds, you have to believe me, I’ve got them tied up in other things. I just have to move some money around. Wait, that’s my favorite chair! If my wife gets home and sees that her beautiful clothes and the Winston Churchill bust are gone, she’s gonna kill me! I’ll get the money—please don’t leave me with nothing.” At press time, the sobbing president was standing barefoot in the empty Oval Office after the Deutsche Bank employees had removed the slippers from his feet. 
Next Measles Outbreak Most Likely To Hit Chicago, Los Angeles, Miami #~# Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin published a study predicting Chicago, Los Angeles, or Miami will most likely suffer the next measles outbreak due to lack of proper vaccinations. What do you think?
New Poll Finds Millennials Far More Likely To Politically Identify As Feudalists Than Previous Generations #~# WASHINGTON—Revealing a profound transformation of American socioeconomic attitudes, a new Gallup poll published Tuesday found that millennials were far more likely to politically identify as feudalists than previous generations. “Our survey showed that Americans born between 1981 and 1996, more so than any other age demographic, strongly support the holding of a lord’s lands in exchange for military service and labor,” said lead researcher Stewart Mayberry, explaining that the political disruption that resulted from the 2016 election cycle prompted millions of millennials to reconsider ideas about vassals pledging an oath of fealty to landed nobility that has been considered odious to much of the American public since the 17th century. “While baby boomers negatively associate ‘feudalism’ with William the Conqueror and the forfeiture of wages in order to remain in the fiefdom, those in the younger generation see it as an opportunity to make their voices heard by providing counsel to their lord. A large percentage of millennials will even go so far as to reject the Tenures Abolition Act of 1660 entirely.” Mayberry also noted that the trend extended to Gen Z, which has advocated for doing away with political systems entirely and returning to a state of nature.
E3 2019 Press Conference Schedule #~# With E3 coming up in less than a month, it’s time to prepare yourself for three days of red-hot game announcements, trailers, and demos from some of the biggest names in video games. Are you ready, gamers? Here’s this year’s press conference schedule.
Trump Reassures Struggling Farmers He Has Never Seen One Of Them And Cannot Be Sure They Even Exist #~# WASHINGTON—Amidst escalating Chinese tariffs on U.S. agricultural exports, President Donald Trump sought to reassure struggling American farmers Tuesday by stating that he has never seen one of them and cannot be sure they actually exist. “While rumors of flooding and economic strife circulate, rest assured that I have never seen a guy in baggy overalls riding a tractor and must therefore conclude you are probably not real,” said the president, who attempted to soothe the fears of the approximately 3.2 million farmers in the United States by explaining that as far as he knows, they are some kind of folktale or legend. “I know there are agricultural CEOs. I know there are chickens, because I’ve eaten those. But if you’re, say, a soybean grower who’s hurting financially right now because I started a trade war with China, please understand that I don’t see or hear you and will never see or hear you.” At press time, Trump was reportedly struggling to remember why he had just been talking about chicken.
Man Who’s Been In A Bunch Of Buildings Figures He’d Be A Pretty Good Architect #~# CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Claiming he has “taken a good, long look” at houses, hospitals, churches, and other structures intended for human use or habitation, retail associate Arnold Drucker, 32, said Tuesday that since he has been in or near a great number of buildings, he assumes he would be a pretty good architect. “I mean, I’ve been in tons of buildings and I really paid attention, so I’d be starting with a pretty good leg up, especially considering the number of doors and stairs and whole rooms I’ve used. I’ve almost been in more rooms than I can count,” said Drucker, who concluded that his long history of entering, occupying, and exiting buildings has provided him with sufficient knowledge to begin designing floors, walls, or ceilings. “Now, a movie theater is different because it has lots of seats, and a library’s got to have a bunch of shelves. Museums and sports arenas are trickier, but I could probably just specialize in what I know, which is regular houses and stores. Off the bat, though, every building needs to have a bathroom, ceilings that are taller than a person, and at least one place to put pieces of furniture for sitting. Man, imagine if I sat down and really worked on this.” Drucker has since pledged to further apply himself to his studies upon realizing he has never been inside of a factory, a greenhouse, or a school.
Rust Belt Town Protests Construction Of New Truck Stop That Would Obstruct Views Of State Penitentiary #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Collectively rising up against the threat to their rust belt community, the citizens of Youngstown, a former steel and foundry center, were protesting Tuesday the construction of a truck stop that would obstruct views of the nearby state penitentiary. “That penitentiary has been the symbolic heart of our community ever since it was built. They can’t put up some fancy new truck stop right in front of it,” said protester and longtime resident Neil Mauer regarding the proposal to construct a Love’s Travel Stop & Country Store in a location that directly interferes with sightlines of the beloved prison for those living in the city’s largest residential neighborhood. “That penitentiary is a part of us. The last thing we need is a bunch of out-of-town truck drivers hogging the remarkable views of our prison. We shouldn’t have to drive half an hour to the park on McGuffey Road to see it just because some millionaire truck stop owner wanted the best location in town.” At press time, protestors were dismayed to learn that Pilot Flying J had plans to build a truck stop that would totally block the view of the old brake pad factory.
Papal Decree Holds Bishops Accountable For Sexual Abuse #~# Pope Francis announced a decree requiring priests and nuns to report incidents of abuse or cover-ups to church authorities, saying “the crimes of sexual abuse offend Our Lord […] and harm the community of the faithful.” What do you think?
Touching Tribute: Nintendo Is Finally Adding A Grass-Type Pokémon Based On James Gandolfini #~# Get ready, Pokémon fans, because we have some wonderful news for you: After years of requests from people all over the world, Nintendo announced today that they are finally adding a new grass-type Pokémon based on James Gandolfini in tribute to the late actor’s extraordinary career.
ABC Producers Blasted For Controversial Selection Of Underage ‘Bachelorette’ #~# BURBANK, CA—Facing a backlash over what is perhaps the show’s most confounding move to date, producers for ABC’s The Bachelorette attempted to fend off criticism Monday for its controversial decision to feature a 13-year-old girl in the titular role of the program’s latest season. “She may be a little younger than our past bachelorettes, but we’re confident Kayla will win over viewers’ hearts with her love of horses, soccer, and chocolate-chip ice cream,” said ABC spokesperson Marianne Weatherby, who defended the network’s choice to cast the seventh-grader in a show in which, over the course of a dozen episodes, 30 male contestants will vie for the child’s affections and hand in marriage. “When our casting agent first brought her in, we had concerns as well, but the more time we spent with Kayla, the more we loved her—and we think you will too. We apologize to anyone who may feel offended, but at this point we’ve already filmed the entire season. Plus, none of the male contestants gave us any complaints.” Weatherby went on to reveal that Kayla had hit it off right away with the season’s youngest suitor, Richard, a 46-year-old mechanic from Kalispell, MT.
Pelosi Declares Nation In ‘Constitutional Crisis’ #~# After the Trump administration’s failure to comply with congressional requests, Speaker Nancy Pelosi warned that the United States was in a “constitutional crisis” and stressed that House Democrats might move to hold officials beyond William Barr in contempt of Congress. What do you think?
A Preview Of All The Games Corey’s Mom’s Boyfriend Is Going To Buy Him This Summer #~# For some, summer means a time to take in the sunshine and bask in the beauty of nature. But for gamers, summer is the perfect chance to retreat into the air-conditioning and make some serious progress on your backlog of titles. Here are the top games that the guy dating Corey’s mom said he would buy for him this summer.
Feminist Gamers Rejoice: Dead Or Alive 6’s Female Characters All Have Huge, Jiggling Breasts Because Every Woman Should Feel Beautiful #~# We all know the gaming world can be tough for women. They are harassed and bullied, and good female characters are few and far between. Thankfully, feminist gamers finally have something to get excited about: The team behind Dead Or Alive 6 have taken a stand and given every one of the female characters in their game massive breasts, because they know every woman should feel beautiful.
Craftsman Confirms New Hammer Backwards-Compatible With Previous Generation Of Nails #~# NEW BRITAIN, CT—In an attempt to proactively quash concerns among the brand’s diehard fans, Craftsman announced Monday that its newest line of hammers would indeed be backwards-compatible with previous generations of nails. “For anybody worried about whether their nails will still work with the new upgrades, have no fear,” said Stanley Black & Decker CEO James M. Loree, who added that both the smooth- and milled-faced models of the 2019 Craftsman 16-ounce claw hammer would continue to work seamlessly with any version of nail purchased between yesterday and the onset of the Bronze Age in 1800 B.C. “Our first priority must always be to our customers. These are the people standing in line for hours, sometimes even camping out overnight, just to get the latest Craftsman product, and we will always give them what they want. People have complained about some of our 2018 framing hammers not syncing properly with certain 1,117th-generation nails, so we had our engineers pull a few 100-hour weeks to address the issue. Now, whether the nails are steel, iron, brass, or even copper, they should respond correctly to being hit by one of our hammers right out of the box.” Loree admitted that the new line of Craftsman Overdriven Quad-Core Black Series nails would not be fully compatible with hammers made before 2017, insisting the compromise was necessary to facilitate a “long overdue quantum leap forward” in driven-fastener technology.
Liberal Relieved He Never Has To Introspect Again After Assembling All The Correct Opinions #~# MADISON, WI—Taking a moment to reflect on his hard-won personal accomplishment, area liberal Tom Hudson expressed relief Monday that he would never again have to engage in self-examination after finally assembling all the correct opinions. “It definitely wasn’t easy, but now that I have all the proper perspectives on the world all perfectly arranged inside of my head, I know I’ll never need to question my own thoughts, beliefs, or opinions ever again,” said Hudson, proudly recounting his previous efforts at researching all necessary sociopolitical issues, conducting a rigorous self-exploration to determine which of his behaviors were problematic or harmful, and finally achieving the proper balance of beliefs to ensure once and for all that he is an indisputably good person. “It’s such a huge weight off my shoulders. I never have to consider my place in society or my impact on the issues ever again now that I know exactly how to present myself as one of the good guys. This feels amazing.” Hudson was then immediately and savagely attacked by his fellow liberals, who insist that his current views are nowhere near progressive enough.
Facebook Cofounder Calls For Breaking Up Social Media Giant #~# In a lengthy and impassioned editorial, Facebook cofounder Chris Hughes pressed for the U.S. government to regulate the social media giant in order to combat its monopolistic stranglehold on internet communication and lack of accountability. What do you think?
Trump Asserts Executive Privilege Over Mueller Report #~# For the first time in his presidency, Donald Trump asserted executive privilege to prevent the release of redacted portions of Robert S. Mueller III’s report and other evidence from his investigation. What do you think?
U.S. Fish And Wildlife Service Reintroduces Straw Hat-Wearing Boys To Old Fishin’ Holes #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to restore the previously endangered creatures to their natural habitat, the United States Fish and Wildlife Service announced Friday a widespread effort to reintroduce straw hat-wearing boys to old fishin’ holes. “These winsome, sunburned, overall-clad specimens—a rural variety of the common urchin—saw their numbers plummet in the wake of the Industrial Revolution. We hope we can finally restore the population to its former glory,” a statement from USFWS Acting Director Greg Sheehan read in part, explaining that the creature is native only to certain parts of the United States and can be identified by its floppy and often frayed straw hat, the stalk of wheat dangling from the side of its grinning mouth, and its high-pitched, carefree whistle. “Their presence will help bring about a balance to the whole ecosystem, as the boys are natural predators to many other creatures around the fishin’ hole. In the years since the boys’ decline, we’ve seen a sharp increase in both the invasive prized jumpin’ bullfrog population and the frequency of big ol’ lunker sightings. Hopefully, it won’t be long before we can see these barefoot wonders ambling naturally around swamps and swimmin’ holes across the nation.” Sheehan added that, if these efforts proved successful, the USFWS would launch a program encouraging rambunctious little girls to climb America’s neglected cottonwood trees while still in their good church clothes.
Tips For Going Through A Divorce #~# About half of all marriages end in divorce, in what can be an incredibly painful process for a couple to go through. The Onion offers some helpful tips for taking stress and anxiety out of a divorce.
Turning Point USA Condemns UNLV Student For Filming Racist Video In Portrait Mode #~# PHOENIX—Swiftly responding to a leaked video they called “incongruent with their core values,” conservative activist group Turning Point USA issued a statement Friday condemning a University Of Nevada, Las Vegas chapter student for filming a racist viral video in portrait mode. “With hundreds of thousands of dollars in funding from GOP mega-donors, there is absolutely no excuse for one of our members to be filmed shouting ‘White power!’ in a shaky cellphone video when there is plenty of professional recording equipment available for use,” said Executive Director Charlie Kirk, who denounced the student’s choice to capture the racist tirade in portrait mode rather than landscape mode, failing to meet the high standards Turning Point USA holds for all members’ distributed hate speech. “In no way do the abhorrent production values expressed in this racist video represent what our organization stands for. When we produce white supremacist content, we do so in high definition to provide viewers with a crystal-clear, 4K image of our white skin. We hope this serves as a reminder to all of our members that if you’re going to call for the decimation of the black race, use a high-quality microphone so that we can hear you yell the N-word clearly.” Kirk also expressed disappointment that the member shared a racist video without including the official Turning Point USA watermark.
National Weather Service Releases Composite Sketch Of Tornado It Believes Ravaged Midwest #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Asking the public to exercise caution and notify authorities if they encounter the “extremely dangerous” natural disaster, the National Weather Service released a composite sketch Friday of a tornado that officials believe is responsible for devastating the Midwest. “While none of our eyewitnesses were able to get a good look at the tornado up close, our composite artist has nonetheless been able to combine their recollections into this visual approximation of the storm,” said agency spokesperson Margaret Black, who warned residents throughout the Midwestern states to be on the lookout for a large, gray, funnel-shaped cloud accompanied by rapidly whirling winds. “At the present time, we cannot confirm whether this tornado is connected to the leveling of a ranch house in Wayne, NE earlier today, but we certainly have not ruled it out. We strongly advise anyone who sees the tornado, which we believe to be approximately 4,000 feet tall, to avoid approaching it, as this storm is incredibly volatile and prone to violent outbursts.” At press time, authorities told reporters they had managed to corner a tornado but were unable to apprehend the suspect before it fled the scene.
Car Ride Devoted To Explaining What Things Will Be Different About Grandma This Visit #~# PENNSAUKEN, NJ—Warning the children that the 75-year-old matriarch had been dealing with a number of health problems lately, local mother Wendy Gritton devoted the majority of an hour-long car ride Friday to explaining what things will be different about their grandmother during this visit. “Remember, kids, Nana is slowing down these days and she can’t walk anymore, so don’t expect her to chase you around,” said Gritton, adding that her mother, Cecelia, may not recognize them. “When you hug Grandma, you might notice that she’s lost some weight recently, but don’t worry—she’s still your Grandma. She can’t really hear that well these days, and she’s very tired. We’re going to have to be quiet and on our best behavior.” At press time, Gritton and her kids had finally arrived at their grandmother’s funeral.
Alabama Cracks Down On Abortions By Outlawing All Medical Procedures #~# MONTGOMERY, AL—Defending the measure as necessary to fully eliminate the practice of terminating pregnancies, Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey signed a bill Friday cracking down on abortions by outlawing all medical procedures in the state. “The only way to ensure that not a single abortion ever takes place in the state of Alabama is to close all hospitals and bar all doctors from practicing medicine,” said Ivey, explaining that it’s not up to a handful of doctors and medical professionals to play God and determine if someone should survive any given health condition, and that contracting any disease whatsoever could carry a maximum sentence of 99 years behind bars. “Human beings were never meant to interfere and subvert God’s divine plans, whether that be a pregnancy, arthritis, cancer, schizophrenia, infection, hypertension, the stomach flu, or even a common cold. It’s simply not our place to decide who lives and who dies, so we must no longer allow treatment for any illness or injury.” At press time, approximately 2,611,489 Alabamans had already died.
Upset Red Sox Fan Demands To Speak To Manager #~# BOSTON—Fuming as he referred to the on-field product as “totally unacceptable,” upset Red Sox fan James McCormack pulled aside a Fenway Park employee Friday and demanded to speak to the team’s manager. “Is this the way they treat paying customers? I’m gonna need someone to come up here and explain the level of play I witnessed today,” said McCormack, 38, clarifying that he expected a certain level of performance and professionalism on the field after spending over $100 to watch the Red Sox play the Mariners. “Somebody get Alex Cora up here right now. He better be able to explain why this dogshit bullpen can’t keep a lead to save its goddamn life. I have been a regular visitor to this stadium for over 10 years, but if I don’t get to speak to management right now, or at least get a refund, I’m telling everyone I know to never attend a Red Sox game again.” At press time, Cora was attempting to defuse the situation with an irate McCormack by calling down Red Sox owner John Henry to offer the fan store credit at the Fenway Park shop.
Incredibly Lazy And Unprofessional: This Video Game Developer Is Always The First To Leave His Office At 11:45 P.M. Every Day #~# Every company has its weakest link, and at game developer CrushTek Software, that person is programmer David Powell. He apparently doesn’t care that everyone knows how lazy and unprofessional he is because he leaves his office by 11:45 p.m. every single day.
Islam Is Incompatible With Country-Western Culture #~# There’s been some changes lately ’round these parts. Spilling over the countryside from hill to holler, Muslim immigrants have poured in by the millions. And they ain’t just in the big cities anymore. No, sir. They’re in our small towns, too, and some of ’em are even getting themselves elected to public office. Now, I don’t have nothing against Muslims personally—I truly don’t—but I believe when something needs saying, a man oughta come right out and say it.
Harried Woman On Train Quickly Doing Plastic Surgery On Face Before Work #~# CHICAGO—Speculating that the self-anesthetizing, scalpel-bearing woman must have left the house in a big hurry that morning, passengers on a crowded Chicago Brown Line train confirmed Friday that a fellow rider attempted a quick session of plastic surgery on her face while on her way to work. “She must have overslept this morning because she’s really rushing her way through this chin-and-cheek tuck,” observed fellow commuter Josie Xavier, who looked on as the woman boarded the train, sat down, and assembled various supplies on a surgical steel lap tray, including a roll of gauze, a tube of topical numbing cream, and several syringes of Botox and dermal filler to augment her lips and cheeks. “I have to say, she seems like a pro at this. She didn’t even use a mirror half the time, and she marked up her own face with a Sharpie while waiting on the platform. I have to admit, I got kind of nervous for her when we hit that bumpy section of the track while she was shaving her nasal cartilage and the scalpel was millimeters from her eye socket, but she still pulled it off.” Passengers observed, however, that after the woman had reattached her facial epidermal layer and tied off her stitches, she clumsily applied an uneven layer of foundation and used a too-bright lipstick before getting off the train deep in the financial district.
Trump Taxes Show He Lost $1 Billion Over Decade #~# A recent investigation into the president’s taxes found that his businesses lost over $1 billion from 1985 to 1995, suggesting he lost more money in those years than nearly any other U.S. taxpayer. What do you think?
De Blasio PAC Spends $30 Million On Ads Urging Candidate Not To Embarrass Self By Running #~# NEW YORK—Blanketing airwaves, print, radio, and social media with dire warnings of incurring public humiliation, the De Blasio Political Action Committee spent $30 million on advertisements urging the mayor of New York City, Bill de Blasio, to not embarrass himself by running for president, sources confirmed Thursday. “As friends and admirers of Mayor de Blasio, we want to do everything in our power to make sure he doesn’t make a total jackass of himself by running for president,” said PAC president Greg Zimmer, highlighting the mail flyers distributed directly to de Blasio’s house cautioning him not to run because of how it would affect his family, a TV commercial push with 3-minute spots during the mayor’s favorite programs reminding him that there are already 20 other Democratic candidates with better ideas and more support, and a social media video blitz featuring elected officials and donors referencing polling data that shows him at 0%. “We’ve also launched a massive billboard campaign with slogans like “Jesus, Please Don’t Do This,” “Come To Your Senses, Bill,” and “No One Wants This.” Once that’s up, our team of canvassers will knock on his door every 20 minutes to personally beg him not to do this by reminding him that he’s already got a great gig as the mayor of New York City. We hope our message will resonate with him.” At press time, sources confirmed the De Blasio PAC had hired a number of “consultants” to knock some sense into de Blasio.
Disney Delays ‘Avatar 2’ Until 2021 #~# James Cameron’s long-awaited follow-up to Avatar has seen its release date pushed back by a year until December 17, 2021. What do you think?
Divorcing Parents Assure Anxious Kids That Dog Still Loves Them #~# DENVER—Telling them the relationship would stay the same no matter what happens, divorcing parents Lydia Block and Greg Pascale took a moment to assure their anxious young children that their family dog would always love them, sources reported Thursday. “I know this is a big change, but even though Mommy and Daddy will live in different houses, Muffett still loves you very, very much,” said Block, gingerly explaining to Tina, 8, and Ben, 6, that despite the many adjustments the divorce would require, their relationship with their beloved 4-year-old Boston terrier would remain just as close as ever. “You may not be able to see him as often as before, but that will make your time with Muffett all the more special when you get to visit him on the weekends. I know it’s going to be hard at first, but you’re very important to Muffett, okay? He loves you just as much as ever, and I want you to remember that.” Block also reassured the children that, no matter what they may hear at school, Muffett doesn’t blame them for the divorce.
YouTube Rushes To Shut Down School Shooter’s Account Over Copyright Complaints #~# SAN BRUNO, CA—Following the Colorado school shooting that left one dead and eight others wounded, YouTube announced Thursday it had moved quickly to shut down the accounts of one of the suspects after receiving complaints over copyright violations. “Shortly after the heartbreaking events in Highlands Ranch, we took the action of removing all the suspect’s videos in response to infringement claims made by copyright holders,” said CEO Susan Wojcicki, who explained that when the names of the accused shooters were released, YouTube had taken the immediate precaution of freezing the suspect’s account to ensure he wasn’t disseminating any messages without distributing the proper royalties. “When we saw he shared a clip owned by NBCUniversal, we scrubbed this and all other copies from the platform within minutes. Spreading this kind of content on YouTube is simply unacceptable without first receiving the proper clearances. We don’t want him inspiring others to violate intellectual property laws in similar ways.” Wojcicki added that the company would consider reinstating his account if he agreed not to share any unlicensed music.
LGBTQ Representation Win! A New ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Trailer Revealed That Harvey Milk Is Still Alive In The Game’s Universe #~# Among major developers, Naughty Dog has always led the pack for LGBTQ representation. But even considering their track record, the latest trailer for The Last Of Us 2 featured a huge inclusivity win when it revealed that Harvey Milk is still alive and well in the game’s universe.
Agile, Dynamic Company Able To Respond To Any Challenge By Laying Off Half Of Staff #~# NEW YORK—Calling his employees a lean, versatile team capable of being fired at a moment’s notice, local CEO David Bradford described his marketing firm Stact Media as an agile, dynamic company able to respond to any challenge by laying off half of its staff. “This industry is always evolving, but what makes us resilient is our ability to adjust to change, which is invariably done by eliminating 50% of our workforce to cut costs regardless of the problem,” said Bradford, adding that the keys to a successful business in today’s market was creating a corporate culture of cutting good, qualified people with a variety of skills while constantly finding innovative ways to throw a wrench into everyone’s workflow. “When we encounter an obstacle, we don’t go down without a fight against our most experienced, senior workers. We look everyone in the eye and say, ‘The 20 of you who still work here will push on.’ Whether axing production costs during a pivot to video or slashing editorial when page views are down, we react to problems quickly and without the input of those of us with a better, more nuanced understanding of how things work.” Bradford added that another advantage demonstrated by his company is its ability to increase executive salaries during times of crisis.
Everything We Know About ‘Pokémon Sword And Shield’ #~# As the eighth generation of one of the most beloved RPGs out there, the new Pokémon games have been rabidly anticipated by fans. Although details have been scarce, we’ve scoured the web and grilled our exclusive sources to get as many details as we can about the upcoming Switch releases. So, without further ado, let’s dig into everything we know about Pokémon Sword and Shield. 
One Million Species Could Go Extinct Because Of Humans #~# An IPCC report found that humanity’s destruction of the planet threatens to cause the extinction of more than 40% of amphibians, 33% of coral reefs, and over a third of all marine mammals. What do you think?
Georgia Governor Signs Bill Outlawing Abortion Except For Single 30-Second Window On Third Day Of Fourth Week Of Pregnancy #~# ATLANTA—Describing the law as a “common-sense measure” designed to protect reproductive health, Gov. Brian Kemp of Georgia signed a bill Tuesday that strictly prohibits all abortions except during a single 30-second window on the third day of the fourth week of pregnancy. “To be clear, this statute does not outlaw abortion per se, it merely designates a half-minute timeframe during which a woman must fill out all necessary paperwork, view a sonogram of her embryo, provide evidence of the dates of her last period, and complete the procedure terminating her pregnancy,” said a spokesperson for Kemp, stressing that no exceptions could be made for women whose 30-second window falls outside the hours of the state’s sole prenatal ultrasound tech, who works Monday to Wednesday, midnight to 6 a.m., in an unmarked building 80 miles north of Atlanta. “This law provides for the licensing of one abortion clinic, which, upon its completion in 2029, will operate in an undisclosed location in the state’s southeastern quadrant. This state-of-the-art medical facility will be staffed by highly trained law enforcement officials who will be on hand to arrest anyone who spends more than her 30 seconds under the care of a physician, at which point she will be charged with attempted murder.” Kemp later signed a second bill requiring any woman seeking an abortion to undergo two years of state-mandated counseling before the procedure is carried out. 
Jay Inslee Smashes Through Wall Of Town Hall In Solar-Powered Mech Suit To Announce Climate Change Plan #~# WASHINGTON—Unveiling sweeping policy positions that would transform the nation’s electric grid and combat emissions, Democratic presidential candidate Jay Inslee smashed through the wall of a town hall Wednesday in a solar-powered mech suit to announce his climate change plan. “Starting today, I am dedicating myself to a comprehensive three-part plan designed to head off a climate catastrophe using renewable energy sources, which, as you can see, provide more than enough power for daily needs,” said Governor Inslee from the cockpit of his bipedal, carbon-neutral exoskeleton, touting the potential of clean energy to screaming, debris-covered audience members while extending one of his solar panel-covered hydraulic arms to lift the town hall’s moderator above his head and crush his skull into dust. “We will invest in every power source from wind to biofuels. Even nuclear power will be necessary for some purposes, as you’ll see from the fusion-powered lasers issuing from this suit. But know this: We will not let the next generation down!” At press time, Inslee was spotted blasting a Baltimore coal plant with his hydrogen-based shoulder cannon while discussing the need to transition America to a clean fuel economy.
‘The Voice’ Amends Rules To Allow Votes From Those Who Aren’t White Landowning Males #~# LOS ANGELES—In what television audience-representation advocates are terming a long-overdue change to an archaic system, NBC announced Wednesday that popular singing competition show The Voice has amended its rules to allow viewers who aren’t white landowning males to cast their votes in the show’s 17th season. “Until recently, the polling system on The Voice was a prejudiced anachronism, a relic from an unfortunate period of our history. We no longer live in the dark, backward days of 2011. It’s time for a change,” said NBC spokesperson Sarah Simari, explaining that the Founding Showrunners originally believed the only viewers educated and responsible enough to make judgments of vocal performances were respectable upper or middle-class white males who owned property. “It’s about time we recognize that women and minorities can judge an overcooked amateur cover of Nina Simone’s ‘Feeling Good’ just as well as any white man. Hopefully, these new changes will ensure that the winner of the record deal and $100,000 prize will reflect the opinions of free people everywhere.” Representatives of rival network ABC announced they will work on amending the rules of American Idol, which currently counts Lionel Richie’s votes as worth three-fifths those of a white person.
How Restaurants’ Health Inspection Grades Are Calculated #~# Many diners make decisions about where to eat based on a restaurant’s health inspection grade, but may not know exactly how inspectors arrive at their scores. The Onion provides a primer for how restaurant inspection grades are calculated.
Company Commits To Hiring More Bengal Tigers In Effort To Improve Office Biodiversity #~# NEWARK, NJ—Pledging to foster a workplace environment more representative of the animal kingdom at large, local accounting firm Hilltop Partners announced Thursday a commitment to recruiting and hiring more Bengal tiger candidates as part of a new office biodiversity initiative. “Hilltop Partners recently welcomed a Bengal tiger junior accountant and a Bengal tiger administrative assistant—the first, we hope, of many such hires,” said Hilltop CEO Glen Shaw, who pledged to seek out biodiverse employees and cultivate a more inclusive workspace that would open doors to all walks of life, not just individuals lucky enough to have been born human. “There are many barriers that critically endangered candidates have to overcome, but there are also many ways we can reach out to them, whether by setting up recruitment events in their natural habitats or expanding our cafeteria options to include raw venison, wild boar, and water buffalo. We realized it simply wasn’t acceptable that our staff was 100% human, with the exception of that one macaw in HR who’s been with us since the beginning.” At press time, sources confirmed Hilltop Partners was facing a public relations backlash after it was revealed the firm had only hired white Bengal tigers.
New Education Program Inspires Economically Advantaged Youth To Express Themselves Through Funding The Arts #~# SAN FRANCISCO—An after-school program Fund The Passion launched this week with the aim of inspiring economically advantaged youth to express themselves through funding the arts. “So many wealthy kids in our area show great financial potential, and our goal is to provide them with an opportunity to channel their love for the arts into helping those with actual talent to excel,” said Fund The Passion president Nancy Fielding, whose organization looks to pair more than 500 private school students with real-world financier mentors to show young millionaires their untapped talent for launching galas, commissioning portraits, and even working together to provide loans to galleries. “We want these affluent children to believe that, one day, they can be the patron of a great painter, a great sculptor, or even a great actor. Imaginations start flourishing at an early age, which is why we start in elementary school classrooms by helping them write checks for smaller sums, say $200,000, in exchange for, say, a handcrafted bronze statue to be placed in their family’s Aspen vacation home. Each one of these wealthy children has inherited the ability to be a benefactor, so we try to teach them there’s no greater satisfaction than standing at the back of a gallery, nodding, and taking partial credit for the masterpiece you underwrote.” Fielding claims that Fund The Passion has already demonstrated its worth, as private schools implementing the program have seen their graduation rates spike from an average of 95% up to 97%.
Everyone Must Play This Amazing New Indie Game That Probably Exists About A Lonely Penguin That Inherited His Family’s House Or Some Shit #~# Hold on, OGN readers, because it’s almost certain the next big thing in indie gaming is out there right now. Whether you’re a casual or serious gamer, everyone has to play this amazing new game that probably exists about a lonely penguin that inherited his family’s house or some shit like that.
Miami Marlins Looking At Eliminating Unprofitable Baseball Wing Of Organization #~# MIAMI—Referring to the sport as a loss leader that “never really captured public interest,” Marlins officials confirmed Wednesday they were exploring the idea of shutting down the organization’s unprofitable baseball wing. “Unfortunately, we may have to cut our losses and shift our focus to more profitable sectors with real growth potential like concessions and apparel,” said CEO Derek Jeter, who clarified that the Marlins would still explore hosting more lucrative sporting events like the Super Bowl or the World Cup. “Marlins Park is a great venue with tons of potential to host big-name concerts and other events that will vastly outperform our lagging baseball division. You can only sink so much money into a project before you have to be honest with yourself and admit it is never going to work out. By doubling down on what the Marlins actually do well, whether it be hosting weddings or converting the locker rooms into a laser tag arena, we can ensure a future for our organization.” At press time, the Marlins announced plans to move forward with phase one of pivoting away from baseball after waves of positive feedback from fans.
Denver Votes On Decriminalizing Magic Mushrooms #~# Amidst a growing consensus on legal marijuana, Denver voters will decide this week whether to decriminalize magic mushrooms, the hallucinogen that has been outlawed since 1970. What do you think? 
New ‘Call Of Duty’ Career Mode Lets Player Join Raytheon’s Board Of Directors After Military Service #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—Introducing an update aimed at heightening the realism of the game, Activision announced Wednesday that a new career mode for Call Of Duty: Black Ops 4 allows playable characters who retire from the military to continue the fight by joining Raytheon’s board of directors. “Players who rack up enough confirmed kills in combat will now be able to take their adventure to the next level as they join a $50 billion company with the mission of building lethal weapons systems and maximizing profits for shareholders,” said Activision spokesperson Adam Bera, acknowledging this version of career mode tested better with gamers than a beta version in which the player is a discharged soldier who returns to his hometown, discovers there are few jobs available, and struggles to make ends meet. “Points are earned in career mode by attending meetings, securing hundreds of millions of dollars in Defense Department contracts, and appearing on cable news programs to fend off bad public relations for the military-industrial complex. Our award-winning developers even worked closely with current and former Raytheon executives to make sure all the golfing side quests in the game are as true to life as possible.” Bera went on to reveal that if Call Of Duty players beat career mode with 100% of achievements, they will be able to unlock Erik Prince as a playable character.
Royal Baby Born #~# Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, has given birth to a baby boy, her first child with Prince Harry and a child who will be seventh in line to the throne. What do you think?
‘Voila,’ Yells Exhausted Lady Gaga During 149th Consecutive Costume Change As Met Visitors Gingerly Step Over Her #~# NEW YORK—Unrelenting in her dedication to dazzle at the annual Met Gala event, a visibly exhausted Lady Gaga proclaimed “Voila!” Tuesday afternoon during her 149th consecutive costume change as museum visitors gingerly stepped over her. “Behold—I am a butterfly—now witness the monarch’s metamorphosis!” said the international superstar and event hostess, who appeared pale and dehydrated as a group of confused German tourists avoided treading on the hundred-pound piles of taffeta and silk discarded around her. “Abandon the cocoon, my babies—we were born to soar! Wait, I have more. Come back. Would anybody help me undo this clasp? My designer, where is my designer?” At press time, Lady Gaga emerged from a pile of wigs and helped a lost visitor locate the ancient Egyptian temple. 
Top Indie Games On Steam #~# If you’re into indie gaming, then Steam is the platform to beat. Here are our picks showcasing the absolute best independent titles out there.
Bye! #~# So you’ve probably heard about the new report saying human-caused climate change is putting about a million different species of animals and plants at risk of extinction, and we just wanted to pop on over and say that it’s true, a lot of us are on our way out the door.
Los Angeles Plans To Hold 2028 Olympics In Toronto For The Tax Incentives #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to lessen the financial strain of hosting the Summer Games, officials from the city of Los Angeles announced Tuesday a new plan to hold the 2028 Olympics in Toronto for the tax incentives. “It just makes the most sense when it comes down to our budget—with a little bit of set dressing, Toronto can be made to look just like L.A.,” said L.A. 2028 Organizing Committee Chairman Casey Wasserman of the detailed plans already underway to create convincing replicas of Los Angeles sports venues from Toronto’s existing Rogers Centre, Varsity Centre, and BMO Field. “We couldn’t really say no to the generous tax breaks that the Canadian government gives you, and Toronto has all the necessary infrastructure and a big-city feel that reads as authentic without all the red tape associated with trying to host the Olympics in Los Angeles proper. We’ll get some shots of generic-looking buildings and some B-roll of the Pacific Ocean and Venice Beach that we can cut to between during televised events, and no one will even be able to tell the difference.” Wasserman also pointed out the fact that the past five Winter Olympics have all been hosted in Canada as well.
FDA Launches Food Awareness Month To Get Americans Interested In Eating #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to boost the nation’s appetite, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that July would be designated Food Awareness Month as part of a program to rekindle American interest in eating. “We’re excited to announce this campaign will stretch over the entire course of July and comprise programs to educate Americans about breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and even snacks,” said FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb, adding that the multi-billion-dollar ad campaign would include coordinated television PSAs, interstate billboards, and after-school programs designed to “put food out into the culture.” “We just want more Americans to know they are free to eat any edible item, and that doing so has mostly positive effects. Far too many Americans are oblivious to food’s nutritional benefits and, frankly, its great taste. The eating of food is an important part of a healthy lifestyle, but unfortunately, many people don’t realize they have a hankering for sustenance until it’s too late. Similar initiatives have worked wonders in Scandinavian countries, and with any luck, U.S. citizens will be digesting food in no time.” Gottlieb further speculated that the program, if launched earlier, could have prevented the American Southwest from starving to death last February.
Sweet Karma: Your High School Computer Lab Teacher Who Installed The Browser Blocker That Stopped You From Playing Flash Games Is Very Sick Now #~# Sometimes, the world just makes sense.
Film Critics Captivated By Use Of One Long, Unbroken Take In Parent’s Recording Of Middle School ‘Guys And Dolls’ Production #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Heralding the three-hour experience as “a mature, cinematic triumph beyond its time,” film critics offered high praise Tuesday for the single long, unbroken take a theater parent employed to capture a Desert Shadows Middle School production of Guys And Dolls. “The breathtaking decision to tell this story in a single, uninterrupted shot is brilliant, courageous, and unlike anything I’ve ever seen before on screen. Absolutely masterful,” said Hollywood Reporter critic Jon Frosch in his litany of praise for Hannah Malloy’s dad, Andy, noting his commitment to the craft in setting up his tripod six full minutes before the show began and then leaving the lens cap on the camera through the entire opening number, challenging the viewer to rely on senses other than mere sight—and their faith in the performers—in order to enmesh themselves in the musical performance. “During ‘Luck Be A Lady Tonight,’ Malloy managed to zoom in and out on nearly every person onstage before panning around the entire auditorium to capture the audience’s response, a technique never before attempted in my professional experience. He depended on no cuts, quick or otherwise, employed no trickery, and never once fell back on the crutch of editing. At one point, Mr. Malloy can even be heard asking his wife where the back-up battery is before handing the camera to her while he rifles through his bag—simply breathtaking verité. I also hope Mr. Malloy inspires more filmmakers to provide an intermission to give the viewer time to reflect on the experience and use the restroom if needed.” Critics added, at the risk of cursing Malloy with anticipation, that they “cannot wait” to see his adaptation of the eighth-grade graduation ceremony this June.
Scientists Find Cocaine In Shrimp #~# Researchers at King’s College London have found trace amounts of cocaine and ketamine in shrimp tested in locations across England, pointing to the widespread menace of “invisible chemicals,” such as drugs, entering the water supply. What do you think?
The Top 10 Most Underrated U.S. Vacation Destinations #~# While there are endless possibilities of trendy hotspots to visit in the U.S. during the summer vacation season, the country has plenty of smaller, lesser-known gems that are equally worth exploring. Here are The Onion’s top 10 most underrated vacation destinations in the United States.
Christians Most Persecuted Religious Group Worldwide, Report Finds #~# A report commissioned by the British government found that Christians represented over 80% of those persecuted for religious beliefs worldwide, stressing their treatment in the Middle East approached near-genocide levels. What do you think? 
Grandma Wants To Know If You’re Still Drawing #~# PRESCOTT, AZ—Saying that it’s been ages since you made her one of your special pictures with your art set, Grandma, 86, inquired Monday as to whether or not you are still drawing. “Remember the pictures of my house you drew for me when you were only in second grade? I still have them. You were so good!” said Grandma, who went on to note that you had a real knack for making drawings like the one you did of your dog, Sandy or Sally or Andy, nearly 20 years ago, but expressing disappointment at your lack of creative output since then. “Your parents spent all that money on art supplies when you were growing up, but I haven’t seen anything you’ve made in so long. If you ever do any watercolors or other paintings, I’d love to see them.” At press time, Grandma then fixed you a grilled American cheese sandwich, cut diagonally into fancy triangles, just how you like it.
History Of The Filibuster #~# The filibuster, a practice in which members of Congress can purposely delay a proposal through a lengthy speech or debate, is a source of controversy among both political parties. The Onion takes a look at the history of the filibuster.
R.L. Stine Admits Every Book He’s Written Directly Dictated To Him By God #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Revealing at long last the creative process behind a successful career during which he has written over 300 books, best-selling children’s author R.L. Stine disclosed during an interview Monday that all of his writing is dictated to him directly by God. “One morning, I was walking in the woods behind my house when lo! I suddenly heard the voice of the Lord ring out, commanding me to transcribe His message. I fell to my knees and received His divine command to publish His truths, verbatim, in a series of 120-page horror fiction books for kids to purchase at Scholastic book fairs across the country,” said Stine, insisting he could never take full credit for classics such as Say Cheese And Die or Phantom Of The Auditorium, as he had merely served as a conduit for the teachings of the divine Creator. “It could have been anyone on Earth, but He chose me to act as a herald of His voice and a vessel for His words, and I feel truly humbled. There were times when I cursed the tremendous burden of channeling The Supreme Being, and I often asked myself, ‘Why me? Why must I be the one to write Under The Magician’s Spell?’ But I knew there was a higher purpose for me, much like that revealed in the divine text of Stay Out Of The Basement.” Stine noted that like many readers, he, too, still wrestles with accepting that Slappy the Dummy is actually the next Messiah.
‘Cyberpunk 2077’: The Sprawling Sci-Fi RPG Shows Real Promise, But I Can’t Give A Full Appraisal After Only 1,500 Hours Of Play Time #~# By now, it’s clear that CD Projekt Red’s Cyberpunk 2077 is among this year’s most anticipated games. Developed by the team behind The Witcher, the title touts an ungodly level of customization, a sprawling science-fiction universe, and an unmatched development pedigree. And while the game showed real promise in our preview at the studio’s office, the fact is that I only scratched the surface after my quick 1,500 hours of playtime.
Kanye West Anthology Series In Works Starring Jaden Smith #~# In one of his first forays into television, Kanye West will produce a half-hour anthology series that focuses on perception, with the first season exploring the concept of the ego through an alternate-universe Kanye West. What do you think?
‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Annoyed By Obvious Product Placement For Valyrian Steel #~# LOS ANGELES—Expressing disappointment that the beloved series had evidently been tainted by corporate interests, Game Of Thrones fans across the nation were annoyed Sunday at the show’s increasingly frequent and obvious product placement for Valyrian steel. “It’s just so gross and artificial. They really go out of their way to talk up Valyrian steel over and over again,” said local Game Of Thrones fan Emily Lopez, explaining that her exasperation with the overtly corporate-minded HBO producers had reached a boiling point following a recent scene that seemed to exist for no other reason than for one character to “ooh and ahh” over a Valyrian steel sword given to him as a gift. “I mean, I get it, they have to pay the bills somehow, but it’s getting ridiculous. Valyrian steel basically has the whole show in their pockets, and now it’s like every episode is just a commercial for high-end swords and spears. It’s so distracting.” Lopez also expressed her growing frustration with the show’s increasingly frequent mentions of brand-name Dragonglass.
Halima Aden Becomes First Sports Illustrated Model To Wear Burkini #~# Muslim supermodel Halima Aden has made history by becoming the first model to wear a hijab and burkini in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. What do you think?
Diners Eating Impossible Burgers Doused With Beet Juice By Protesting Meat-Rights Activists #~# ST. LOUIS—Their meals disrupted by protestors who stormed the restaurant with buckets full of viscous red liquid, diners eating plant-based Impossible Whoppers at a local Burger King were reportedly horrified Friday when meat-rights activists splashed beet juice all over them. “Shame! Shame on them—look at these disgusting tables with not one succulent morsel of meat on them!” shouted one activist, who linked arms with others to block access to the establishment while waving signs that read “Plants are for toppings” and handing out pamphlets that depicted gruesome scenes of cattle roaming wild across lush pastureland with no slaughterhouse in sight. “What these soy eaters are doing is immoral. No one should ignore the flame-broiled deliciousness of a burger made from 100% real beef. No one! We’re all just meat, and there is nothing wrong with that.” At press time, sources confirmed the meat-rights group behind the protest had posted a 17-minute video of a slowly rotating rotisserie chicken to several social media sites.
Stanford Students Admit It Was Pretty Obvious Billionaire’s Dog Didn’t Get In By Itself #~# STANFORD, CA—Saying that certain undergrads clearly hadn’t been accepted on their own merits, students at Stanford University admitted Friday that it was pretty obvious that the billionaire’s dog in the freshman class didn’t get in by itself. “A lot of us were skeptical that Bailey actually got admitted without help, and once we learned his owner is some big hedge fund guy, it’s obvious money was involved,” said Lydia Riley, 19, adding that she and other members of their Psychology 101 class doubted whether the yellow Labrador had really taken the SATs by itself or was actually planning to join the crew team it had been recruited for. “I’m not saying Bailey’s stupid, just that the dog clearly never does any work, and whenever you look over during class, he’s never paying attention. Also, my friend lives in the same hall and said Bailey is always out playing Frisbee in the quad and partying. Bailey’s got a really nice laptop, though, and a collar that clearly cost a lot of money, so we looked it up, and turns out his owner is worth over a billion dollars. You just know a couple million of that went to making sure their spoiled dog got into Stanford. It really diminishes the prestige of this university if you work really hard and then you’re just in class next to a dog whose owner paid top dollar to get him admitted.” Stanford students added that the worst part about Bailey’s acceptance was that it got a spot over some poor dog who could have really used the opportunity. 
Noncompete Clause In Lease Bars Tenants From Living Anywhere Else For 90 Days After Moving Out #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Stating that he cannot allow rival property owners to gain a competitive advantage, Bay Area landlord Jeremy Lubbock acknowledged Friday he had added a noncompete clause to his leases that bars tenants from living anywhere else within 90 days of vacating an apartment. “This is a fairly standard practice put in place to make sure that upon moving out of our building, you will not immediately enter into a similar living place somewhere else,” said Lubbock, adding that the restrictive covenant also prohibits accepting any short-term housing arrangement that may come up, such as a hotel room or friend’s apartment, for the full three months. “It would be perfectly fine for a former tenant to sleep in another location as long as they do so outdoors or in a makeshift form of shelter, and not within 150 miles of their previous place of residency. This is simply to ensure that we get you out of the apartment and living in a car in an orderly manner.” Lubbock added that his leases also include a nondisclosure agreement so that renters cannot reveal insider knowledge about the building’s plumbing or heat or whether he’s the type of landlord who stops by unannounced on weeknights to attempt to fix the garbage disposal on his own.
George Lucas Recalls Peter Mayhew Ad-Libbing Decision To Play Character As Nonverbal, Fur-Covered Monster #~# LOS ANGELES—Shedding light on the iconic Chewbacca actor’s creative process amid news of his recent passing, George Lucas revealed to reporters Friday that Peter Mayhew had fully ad-libbed the decision to play the character as a nonverbal, fur-covered monster. “Originally, I intended for Chewbacca to be a loquacious, somewhat uptight academic who would converse at length about a number of convictions, tenets, and principles, but Peter, off the top of his head, brilliantly portrayed the giant, hairy creature as a formidable growling colossus,” said Lucas in a statement memorializing the actor, recalling how Mayhew had effortlessly transformed the rigid, erudite Wookiee into a massive, grunting beast. “Peter had this amazing vision and played the character as an incredibly strong and intimidating behemoth with a bad temper. Sometimes, you really need to let actors improvise and live within a character, and amazing things will happen. While I still stand by my original concept of Chewbacca as a high-strung neat freak who constantly cleans up after others, Peter really made the Wookiee his own.” At press time, Lucas released rare photos of Mayhew modeling the original cardigan, ascot, and pipe that comprised early versions of Chewbacca’s costume. 
Facebook Bans Thousands Of Snowboarders, Base Jumpers In Crackdown On ‘Dangerous’ Accounts #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Explaining that the suspended users had violated the site’s content guidelines, Facebook reportedly banned thousands of snowboarders, base jumpers, and paragliders Thursday in a crackdown on “dangerous” accounts. “The Facebook community should be safe for all users, which is why we’ve suspended the accounts of hundreds of heli-skiers, free-climbers, and others who repeatedly promote extreme and unsafe behaviors,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, adding that the banned accounts had repeatedly ignored the site’s warnings by posting pictures and videos of dangerous activities like big-wave surfing and running with the bulls, and encouraging others to engage in them as well. “To our users concerned that these activities and the accounts who promote them are too extreme, tubular, or totally bitchin’ for Facebook, we’ve heard you loud and clear. While some may say we’re being overzealous, the reality is that advocating for hang gliding, cave diving, or kayaking over a waterfall has real-life consequences, and in many cases can inspire gruesome injuries or even death. A 1080-degree spin on a snowboard is one of the most dangerous moves an individual can attempt, and a video promoting that sort of behavior has no place on Facebook.” Critics of the move responded that it put Facebook on a slippery slope to banning accounts of people who promote riding scooters, doing parkour, or driving a car.
Report: What You Just Said Reminds Man Of Thing He’d Rather Talk About #~# CHICAGO—According to a report issued Friday by sociologists at DePaul University, local man Nick Mahedy has cut you off mid-sentence because what you just said reminded him of something he would prefer to talk about instead. The report states that moments ago, when you started to speak about the NBA playoffs, the mere mention of sports prompted Mahedy to recall a “fascinating” episode of 99% Invisible about the architecture of baseball stadiums, a completely unrelated subject that it would appear he is far more interested in discussing than the topic you chose to bring up. Sources confirmed he is now in his eighth minute of summarizing the podcast and is getting into details about the iron trusses and bricks used to construct Oriole Park at Camden Yards, information he apparently just likes to hear himself recite aloud, because you obviously didn’t express an interest in it with the half dozen or so words you were able to get out about the upcoming Bucks-Celtics game. Included in the report is a prediction that Mahedy’s current discourse on the subject of architecture will soon lead him to remember a book he read in his days as an art history major, a digression that will make it clear the only thing he ever talks about is whatever stray fact happens to float to the forefront of his mind at a particular moment. At press time, Mahedy was reportedly reminded of a funny story about leaving a party after you told him “I really have to go now.”
‘I Don’t Like The Look Of This,’ Says Astronaut Entering Flickering, Ooze-Covered Abandoned Section Of ISS #~# LOW EARTH ORBIT—Responding to a distress signal broadcasting from the depths of a remote corridor that seemed to be mysteriously missing from the satellite floor plan, astronaut Dalton McVeigh said, “I don’t like the look of this,” Friday while entering a section of the International Space Station that was evidently abandoned, dimly illuminated by flickering lights, and covered in an unfamiliar black discharge.
Zoologists Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity #~# SAN DIEGO—Calling the achievement a major breakthrough in the field of animal behavior, zoologists at the San Diego Zoo Institute for Conservation Research announced Friday that they had finally succeeded in their efforts to get a pair of Bengal tigers to 69 in captivity. “We’ve been attempting to get large feline predators to engage in soixante-neuf for over a decade, but as everyone knows, tigers are usually somewhat reserved creatures. Of course, being cats, they took to frottage instantly, but encouraging them to perform oral, let alone mutual oral, proved to be very challenging,” said zoologist Mason Shubaly, whose team tried numerous strategies from simply providing the big cats with soft lighting and sensual music to more radical techniques such as having zookeepers demonstrate the act. However, it was years before they could inspire the timid animals to “loop-the-loop.” “Zoos across the world have been attempting this feat for years, but it takes a combination of proper atmosphere, a bit of coordination, and the right kind of coaxing to get tigers to, shall we say, engage. In the end, we used a harness to slowly lower the male tiger into the enclosure as the female was restrained upside down, and now our greatest challenge is getting them to stop sixty-nining all the time. I haven’t been this excited since we got the baboons to eat ass.” While Shubaly admitted that much work has to be done, the tigers were already displaying vast improvements in their willingness and ability to perform reverse cowgirl.
Obamas Announce Slate Of Netflix Shows #~# Michelle and Barack Obama have announced a slate of six Netflix shows, including a Frederick Douglass biopic, a drama set in the fashion world of post-WWII New York, and a half-hour family show called Listen To Your Vegetables And Eat Your Parents. What do you think?
Mueller Took Issue With Barr Letter #~# Robert Mueller reportedly wrote a letter in early April complaining that Attorney General William Barr’s four-page memo to Congress “did not fully capture the context, nature, and substance” of the special investigation into Russian election interference. What do you think?
Facebook Bans Extremist Figures After Designating Them Dangerous To Its Public Reputation #~# MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to finally crack down on individuals who promote harm to the tech company’s good name, Facebook banned a number of extremists from its platforms Thursday after designating them exceedingly dangerous to its public reputation. “We strive to keep Facebook faithful to our founding vision of a world where ideas can be shared freely, but a line must be drawn at endangering the public image Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sanders have spent billions of dollars to painstakingly curate,” said spokesperson Alan Wedge, adding that removing provocateurs such as Alex Jones, Louis Farrakhan, and Milo Yiannopoulos was intended to send a message that Facebook will not tolerate bad PR. “Pages like InfoWars have been used to spread conspiracy theories that negatively affected families in Sandy Hook and had other real-world consequences, like damaging Facebook shareholder value and hurting public opinion of Facebook’s executive board, who are more vulnerable today than ever. It’s when someone uses our social network to incite hatred against our properties that we step in and declare ‘Please, for the love of God, don’t say Facebook is a terrible website.’” At press time, Facebook vowed to begin focusing more efforts on combating the negative perception of how Instagram has handled Russian misinformation campaigns.
K-Pop Group BTS Excited For First American Tour Since 1963 Appearance On ‘Ed Sullivan’ #~# NEW YORK—Reflecting fondly on the television appearance that launched the K-pop group into superstardom, members of BTS told reporters Thursday that they were excited to be back in America for the first time since their 1963 performance on The Ed Sullivan Show. “Nothing will compare to the thrill of hearing Mr. Sullivan introduce us as a ‘few fine young men from South Korea’ way back when, but it’s still great to reconnect with fans in the States after nearly six decades,” said band vocalist Jimin, who called the show’s host “a true class act” for putting them on the bill of the November 3, 1963 episode headlined by Sid Caesar and ventriloquist Rickie Layne. “Obviously, you could barely hear us playing ‘We On’ over all the teenagers screaming, but even at the time, I knew this was going to change our lives forever.” BTS members went on to describe their hopes that their fame had died down enough that they could enjoy exploring America this time without covering their faces with newspapers or hiding inside phone booths.
Taylor Swift Accused Of Ripping Off Beyoncé By Giving Birth To Twins As Part Of Billboard Music Awards Performance #~# LAS VEGAS—Saying the pop superstar’s opener felt strikingly familiar, music fans accused Taylor Swift of ripping off Beyoncé Wednesday when she gave birth to twins during her performance at the Billboard Music Awards. “Sure, Beyoncé doesn’t own the copyright on pregnancy, but to the millions who watched last night as Taylor delivered a baby boy and girl onstage at the MGM Grand, it sure felt like plagiarism,” wrote entertainment blogger Emily Brooks, who cited Swift’s “total lack of creativity” in imitating Beyoncé so closely, from the birthing of fraternal twins right down to the ultimate decision to undergo an emergency C-section at her doctor’s discretion. “I understand that great minds often think alike, but this was way over the line. Even the sound Taylor made during labor before being rushed into the NICU was basically a carbon copy. You can’t just go around stealing other people’s ideas—especially when you’re stealing from the queen.” Brooks added that it was particularly unscrupulous for Swift to bring Jay-Z out onstage and announce that she had named her newborn children Sir Carter II and Rumi Carter II.
William Barr Shows Up To Congress To Testify At 3 A.M. After Reading Email Wrong #~# WASHINGTON—Slowly realizing that he had made a big mistake, Attorney General William Barr reportedly showed up to Congress to testify at 3 a.m. Thursday after reading an email wrong. “Oh man, I really screwed the pooch,” said the attorney general, who opened a briefcase full of evidence and prepared to fully cooperate with any requests or questions from House Democrats, before taking out his phone and furiously scrolling through his email app to find that he had misread the time of the planned testimony as the custodial staff began vacuuming around him. “I definitely thought it was weird that the hearing was so late, but I know Congress has been super busy, so I figured I should just set my alarm to 2 a.m. and grab some coffee on the way. I double- and triple-checked the location, but man, I really goofed up.” At press time, Barr just quietly said “Trump obstructed” to the empty chamber.
NHL Fans Claim Hockey Way More Fun If You There In Person, On Ice Playing Game #~# BOSTON—Ardently defending their steadfast loyalty to the sport, NHL fans around the nation gathered Thursday to claim that hockey was way more fun if you’re there in person, on the ice, and actively playing in the game. “Sure, when you watch on TV, the puck looks kind of small and the game is hard to follow, but when you’re right there on the ice swinging your stick as part of a professional team roster, everything’s different,” said local hockey fan Travis Witkins, explaining the immense difference it makes to the active viewing experience when one actually travels to a professional hockey arena, suits up into full pads, helmet, and uniform, and goes skate-to-skate with a team of NHL players. “The feeling of community and camaraderie is so much more intense in person when you’re celebrating and embracing your teammates after a great save or a hard-fought goal. And nothing beats the rush of experiencing an unfolding break as you fly down the ice for a one-on-one shot against the goalie. If more people experienced the NHL this way, hockey would be a way more popular sport.” Witkins did admit that the in-person playing experience was usually aided by pounding a few beers in the parking lot first. 
Tim Schafer Gives OGN An Exclusive Preview Of Psychonauts 2’s Legal Disclaimer Screen #~# Few games have left behind legacy that’s as long-lasting as Psychonauts, Double Fine’s 2005 literal mind-trip of a platformer. So we were incredibly excited when gaming legend Tim Schafer arrived at our offices to give us an exclusive sneak peek at the Psychonauts 2 legal screen. But it wasn’t until he booted up that series of disclaimers that it really hit us: One of the greatest platformer series of all time is coming back, and it has a screen of legal text to fully indemnify it against threats in court.
Trump Dismisses Concerns Over White House Chaos After Pack Of Feral Dogs Takes Over 4th West Wing Room #~# WASHINGTON—Insisting that his administration was nothing less than “a well-oiled machine,” President Donald Trump dismissed continued concerns over chaos in the White House Friday after a pack of feral dogs claimed a fourth West Wing room as their territory. “Honestly, this was not a room that we needed anymore—there are many other rooms to meet in, if we want to meet for some reason, so this one has gone over to the dogs, or we let it be taken by dogs, which, you know, that’s okay,” said Trump, fresh blood seeping through the bandages on his hands and face as he reiterated that staff had the situation completely under control and would continue to throw raw meat into the dogs’ rooms each day in order to ensure the pack did not range farther into the executive facilities in search of food. “We are absolutely focused on making America great again, because whether these dogs are in 3 rooms, or even maybe they get up to 6 rooms, or even more rooms, maybe, that doesn’t matter. I’m more concerned about the Democrats, or the obstructionist Democrats, than I am about 40 to 60 dogs roaming the White House. These are mostly medium-sized dogs, many breeds, not large dogs like some are saying. There are greyhounds and German shepherds, and I think labradors. It is hard to tell. But when I got here, there were hundreds of dogs running wild, let in by Obama. Obama’s dogs. What’s left are our dogs and very few of which have rabies, but there are less of them now. The area is restricted, and I have been told that there is very little chance they’ll move into the Oval Office, which is where I often am.” Trump also confirmed that he would soon announce a new pick for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development to replace Ben Carson, who was recently devoured by dogs. 
Thank God We Didn’t Have Written Language Back When I Was A Teenager #~# I tell ya, times sure have changed since I was a boy. Nowadays in our fast-paced Copper Age civilization, people are weaving new textiles, smelting new metals, and finding all kinds of new, exciting ways to make pots. They’re also using new symbolic inscriptions to communicate with each other, and it’s this technology that worries me a bit. Today’s young people will have a permanent record of things they do chiseled out in words for anyone to read.
Trump And Democrats Agree On $2 Trillion Infrastructure Deal #~# Congressional Democrats indicated they had come to an informal agreement with President Trump to update the nation’s bridges, roads, trains, and broadband, although how such a deal will be paid for has yet to be negotiated. What do you think?
Coup Underway In Venezuela #~# A day of street protests and skirmishes is underway after Venezuelan opposition leader and National Assembly leader Juan Guaidó announced an uprising in the country’s capital. What do you think? 
God Decides Against Killing Self After Angel Shows Him What Life Would Be Like If He Never Existed #~# THE HEAVENS—Following hours of staring into the darkness of the void and wondering if there was a point to anything at all, God, the Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, ultimately decided against suicide Wednesday when an angel showed Him what life would be like if He had never existed. “Sometimes, you lose sight of the big picture, but thanks to [the angel] Azazel, I’ve been reminded what a huge impact I had on so many people over the course of My life. Maybe I had to hit rock bottom before realizing that, yes, I am responsible for all of human existence,” said God, admitting He had been ready to jump from Heaven before Azazel happened to spot the Lord of Hosts in the crowd, realized that He was in a bad place, got Him talking over coffee, and eventually made Him realize what a huge mistake He was about to make. “I’m so grateful Azzy was there to set me straight. He must have listened to me say ‘I don’t deserve to live’ about a hundred times and was super patient when I droned on and on about how all I’ve ever done was hurt people. He reminded me that if I hadn’t lived, my Son would’ve never been born, humanity would still be burdened with sin, and the Virgin Mary, my poor Mary, would’ve ended up sad and lonely. Honestly, I got a little choked up thinking about how there would have been nothing but eternal emptiness if I had never spoken light into this world. I guess I’m worth keeping around after all.” While angelic therapists said He was no longer in danger of self-injury, sources close to God confirmed that He continues to abuse alcohol and prescription painkillers in order to deal with the realization that billions of people have suffered and died in His name.
Gamers Rejoice: Here Is The Word ‘Japan’ #~# Gamers, prepare yourself, because all your dreams are about to come true. That’s right, feast your eyes on this: It’s the word “Japan”.
RockStar Games Begins Imprisoning Programmers For ‘Red Dead Redemption 3’ #~# Good news for fans of RockStar’s blockbuster western franchise! The studio announced this week that it had already started imprisoning programmers to kickstart the development of Red Dead Redemption 3.
Spotify Reaches 100 Million Paying Subscribers #~# Streaming service Spotify announced that it had reached 100 million paying subscribers in a landmark for the music streaming service. What do you think?
Realtor Emphasizing Neighborhood’s Proximity To Much Nicer Neighborhood #~# CHICAGO—Expending an inordinate proportion of her resources to detail the bustling shops, quaint cafes, and highly rated schools located merely a mile or two away, realtor Susan Horne reportedly spent most of her showing with local couple Tim and Holly Penn Wednesday emphasizing how close their prospective new town house was to a much nicer neighborhood. “There’s a stretch with some really amazing restaurants and wine bars just a few blocks away—maybe a 30-minute walk and you’re right there,” said Horne before launching into a glowing description of a public park located just a short bus ride away. “It’s surprisingly convenient. You’re basically just on the outskirts of the area where that neighborhood is expanding anyway, so in a decade or so, you’ll be even closer. It’s a really great area, lots of shops, lots of stuff happening, but still quiet and laid-back, and you’re just a 10-minute drive from a wonderful community. You’re going to love going there when you live here.” Horne also noted that the Penns’ potential home was actually within a five-mile radius of several far, far nicer neighborhoods.
‘SpongeBob SquarePants’ Turns 20 #~# Debuting May 1, 1999, SpongeBob SquarePants is an animated series about a sentient sponge that grew into a media empire. The Onion looks back at the beloved cartoon show on its 20th anniversary.
Mueller To Testify Before Congress #~# After being subpoenaed by the House of Representatives, Special Counsel Robert Mueller agreed to testify before Congress about his investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election and Donald Trump’s alleged obstruction of justice. What do you think?
Highlights Of The Democratic Primary Debate Day 2 #~# On Thursday night in Miami, Democratic presidential candidates Michael Bennet, Joe Biden, Pete Buttigieg, Kirsten Gillibrand, Kamala Harris, John Hickenlooper, Bernie Sanders, Eric Swalwell, Marianne Williamson, and Andrew Yang participated in the second of two nights of the party’s initial primary debates. The Onion highlights the most important moments of day two of the Democratic primary debates.
CD Projekt Red Announces ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Will Have A Gender-Neutral Character Creator, However Everyone Will Be Christian #~# CD Projekt Red has already dropped a lot of fascinating info about Cyberpunk 2077 recently, including tons of information on the in-depth character-creation system. But just yesterday, quest director Mataeusz Tomaszkiewicz shed even more light on one of the game’s coolest aspects, telling reporters that the creation system will have the option for gender-neutral characters, although every character will automatically be Christian.
Illinois Legalizes Marijuana #~# Becoming the 11th state to allow the substance for recreational use, Governor J.B. Pritzker signed bill legalizing marijuana in Illinois starting on January 1, 2020. What do you think?
Experts Say Earliest Warning Signs Of Mental Health Issues Usually Crossing Eyes While Dribbling Finger On Lips, Saying ‘Cuckoo, Cuckoo’ #~# STANFORD, CA—Hoping to raise awareness of a frequently stigmatized and misunderstood issue, experts at Stanford Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry And Behavioral Sciences concluded Friday that the earliest warning signs of declining mental health usually include a compulsion to cross one’s eyes while dribbling a finger across one’s lips and repeating “cuckoo, cuckoo.” “We have found that most people aren’t immediately able to spot these symptoms in their friends and loved ones, so it’s important we inform people of these precursors to the most common mental disorders,” said Dr. Victoria Perez, who noted that early warning signs also include the wearing of underwear upon the head, the flapping of the arms in the manner of a chicken’s wings, and the insertion of one hand horizontally into one’s shirt while insisting that one is, in fact, the Emperor Napoleon. “Though this behavior can be heartbreaking—even disturbing—to witness, it’s important to remember that if you ever observe a friend or family member’s eyes rotating in different directions, hear them making boing-boing sounds as they dance around the room, or notice their toupée shooting vertically off their head, spinning around, and then landing crookedly on their scalp, it’s time to take them to the nearest mental health institution to have them jolted with electric shocks until you can see their skeleton glowing through their silhouette.” Perez noted, however, that a hands-off approach often worked best for cases in which deluded relatives believed themselves to be chickens, particularly when the family was in need of the eggs.
Naked Andrew Yang Emerges From Time Vortex To Warn Debate Audience About Looming Threat Of Automation #~# MIAMI—In an unexpected interruption of the night’s scheduled DNC debate programming, a naked and visibly agitated Andrew Yang emerged from the howling chaos of an irising time vortex Thursday to warn the debate audience about the looming threat of automation. “Arm yourselves, citizens, and keep your courage and your wits about you, for our clash with the mechanical sapients draws nigh!” said the frantic entrepreneur and 2020 Democratic presidential candidate, who did not so much as pause to wait for the stray tendrils of blue lightning to fade from coursing over his otherwise nude body before striding to his designated podium and delivering a stirring speech about the grave consequences faced by mankind if they failed to take action and prevent the coming war. “My fellow citizen-humans, I have seen horrors upon horrors birthed from the cold and antiseptic womb of automation. Our world has become a different place, a place of implacable mathematical deduction, an emotionless vacuum of pure logic, a crystalline Libertarian ideal realm where mankind has been reduced to the servants, living curios, and even pets of the robotoid over-race. I’ve seen welding arms burn men where they stand, manipulator armatures disassemble screaming children with analytical precision, relentless tracks grind fleeing women and their contraband infants into their own bloody footprints. And that automated nightmare grew from seeds sown in our own time—we must take action now, before we are forced to take up arms to fight the unconquerable!” The debate was further interrupted by a hydraulic chrome Andrew Yang emerging from the vortex to denounce the previous Yang as a lying imposter.
Trump Picks Stephanie Grisham As New Press Secretary #~# First lady Melania Trump’s communications director Stephanie Grisham will be the new White House press secretary, replacing Sarah Huckabee Sanders as the new press-facing voice of the administration. What do you think?
Highlights Of The Democratic Primary Debate Day 1 #~# On Wednesday night in Miami, Democratic presidential candidates Cory Booker, Julian Castro, Bill de Blasio, John Delaney, Tulsi Gabbard, Jay Inslee, Amy Klobuchar, Beto O’Rourke, Tim Ryan, and Elizabeth Warren participated in the first of two nights of the party’s initial primary debates. The Onion highlights the most important moments of day one of the Democratic primary debates.
Breaking New Ground: Beto O’Rourke Has Become The First Presidential Candidate Available As A ‘Smash Ultimate’ DLC Fighter #~# Watch out, Smash players! A new foe has appeared. The Beto O’Rourke campaign just broke new ground recently by making Beto the first presidential candidate available as a Super Smash Bros. Ultimate DLC fighter.
OSHA Special Ops Team Raids Local Office After Receiving Intel On Expired Fire Extinguisher #~# OMAHA, NE—OSHA Special Ops recon scouts abseiled through skylights as breach-teams crashed simultaneously through multiple windows with drawn M4 carbines Thursday to launch an Occupational Safety and Health Administration raid on a local office, mere hours after receiving intel on a possible expired fire extinguisher. “Stay down, you non-flame-retardant motherfuckers—hands on the backs of your heads,” said OSHA Bravo Team leader Col. Charles “Tex” Maxwell, who initiated the raid through a series of complex hand signals before launching a flash-bang grenade into the mid-sized advertising agency’s kitchenette. “Don’t move an inch, you four-alarm shitheads, or I’ll activate your corporate dental plans and help you with your permanent disability paperwork. Now—where’s the dud extinguisher? Where are you hiding it? Tell us now, or I’m going to start putting management’s fingers in that non-regulation kitchen utensil drawer’s pinch point, one by one. Nobody escapes OSHA.” The Nebraska state Occupational Safety and Health Administration office offered no comment on Col. Maxwell’s summary execution of a regional manager caught smoking near a propped-open emergency exit.
Historians Reveal Aqueducts Were Only Small Portion Of Ancient Rome’s Intricate Water Park System #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the study of classical civilization, historians at Harvard University published findings Thursday that show the aqueducts were but a small part of a vast, sophisticated system of water parks that once spanned the Roman Empire.
Driver Kind Of Bummed To See Other Car He Been Driving Behind For A While Take Exit Off Highway #~# EDISON, NJ—Gazing wistfully at the maroon 2004 Nissan Altima sedan as it put on its right blinker and merged toward an oncoming off-ramp, motorist Jack Warren admitted Thursday he was “kind of bummed out, really” to see the car he had been driving behind for almost 45 minutes exit off the highway. “Man, we’ve been together since practically Robbinsville Township. You always know in your heart this moment will come, but you never expect it to happen as early as Exit 10,” said Warren, reminiscing about the good times he had shared with the Nissan’s anonymous driver as they made their way northbound on Interstate 95, braking suddenly for big 18-wheelers, and slowing down together to pass the police cars near Cranbury. “Sure, we’ve been separated before. I lost him around East Brunswick when that Honda merged into my lane, but I eventually spotted him and caught up. This time, it’s really goodbye.” Warren’s brief moment of highway-related despair has since been replaced by a glimmer of hope at the sight of a burnt orange Kia Sorento that has kept pace with him for the last seven miles.
Pence Declines To Say Whether Climate Change A Threat #~# In an interview with Jake Tapper, Vice President Mike Pence repeatedly refused to say whether he believed climate change was a man-made threat to humanity, despite an overwhelming scientific consensus from researchers within the U.S. government that it is. What do you think?
13.5 Million Americans Tune In To Watch Animal Planet’s ‘Puppy Parley’ During DNC Debate Halftime Show #~# MIAMI—Calling the program an “adorable” and “pooch-tastic” alternative to NBC’s broadcast, 13.5 million Americans reportedly tuned in Wednesday night to watch Animal Planet’s Puppy Parley during the DNC Debate Halftime Show. “Normally I don’t like politics, but when I saw all the cute puppies frolicking at their own little podiums, I just couldn’t resist,” said 39-year-old viewer Regina Seddon, one of many who watched the 12-minute-long event that featured 20 juvenile dogs posing as Democratic candidates, performing precious antics on a miniature stage to win America’s hearts. “It was just so cute to see dogs like Andrew Fang and Kristen Gillibeagle playing with their little microphones and chewing on notecards! The best, though, was when senators Cory Barker and Saint Bernard Sanders tussled over a bone that had the word ‘healthcare’ written on it. Luckily, puppy moderator Rachel Maddog stepped in and immediately started howling to start a 30-second cuddle break!” At press time, Nielsen ratings revealed that the majority of Puppy Parley viewership were unaware the Democratic candidate debates also aired that evening.
Presidential Debate Sidetracked By Booker, De Blasio Arguing About Best Place In Lower Manhattan To Get Tapas #~# MIAMI—Night one of the first Democratic presidential debate was sidetracked Wednesday by Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) and New York mayor Bill DeBlasio ignoring the moderator’s questions about student loan debt and arguing about the best place in Lower Manhattan to get tapas. “Excuse me, I’m sorry, senator, but for you to sit there and claim that Tomiño Taberna Gallega’s patatas bravas hold a candle to Despaña’s is patently ludicrous,” said DeBlasio, adding that anyone who took the time to carefully research the issue on Yelp would agree that the New Jersey lawmaker’s restaurant suggestion was the wrong way forward. “I refuse to sit idly by as my challenger tries to paint Despaña as some sort of second-rate fare, when I know for a fact that it’s authentic, reasonably priced, and has boquerones that are absolutely to die for. It may not be the popular opinion, but I have to follow my conscience. And my conscience is telling me that Tomiño Taberna Gallega is total garbage.” At press time, the moderator decided to move on after Amy Klobuchar tried to chime in about her go-to tapas spot in St. Paul.
Lester Holt Begins Debate By Reiterating He Doesn’t Know Who These Fucking People Are #~# NEW YORK—Pausing briefly to address the issue as he spoke to the candidates, moderator Lester Holt reportedly began Wednesday night’s Democratic presidential debate by reiterating that he doesn’t know who most of these fucking people are. “I’d like to start tonight’s debate by making it clear that I couldn’t even begin to guess the platforms, credentials, or even the names of most of these goddamn folks,” said Holt, gesturing to candidates such as Tim Ryan, Amy Klobuchar, and John Delaney as he openly questioned whether they were truly running for president or if this was some sort of put-on. “You understand this is a nationally broadcast debate for the presidency of the United States, right? Really, who the fuck are all you people and how did you people get past security?” At press time, Holt was going through the candidates one by one to check their credentials before he would allow the debate’s first segment to begin.
Norfolk Tides Third Baseman Sent Down To Baltimore Orioles #~# BALTIMORE, MD—Hoping to give the still-developing prospect more time to find his game, the Norfolk Tides announced Wednesday that third-baseman Anderson Feliz would be sent down to the Baltimore Orioles. “Feliz has been dealing with a couple of injuries and he’s had a little bit of a slump, so we think this will be a good way to build up his confidence,” said Tides manager Gary Kendall, explaining that Feliz would be spending a season “working on the fundamentals” with the Baltimore squad until he’d worked his way up to the level of play consistent with AAA ball. “I know he’s disappointed right now to be leaving for Baltimore, but in the end, it’ll be for the best. He shouldn’t take this too hard because we consider him a big part of the future of the Tides. Right now, he’s a little over his head, but he’ll fit right in with the Orioles. And after another season, he should be ready to move on to bigger and better things.” Kendall went on to add that he was glad Feliz at least got some time with the Tides, as it might have been too big an ego hit to have him start for the Orioles on opening day.
Americans Tune Into First Democratic Debates #~# Americans will tune into NBC tonight to watch the first of two nights of Democratic presidential debates as the expansive field of candidates vie for the interest of voters. What do you think?
10 Indie Games That Were So Heartbreakingly Pitiful We Decided To Throw Them A Bone #~# Indies games can be a portal into another world, letting their developers explore often-emotional themes while pursuing their own individual visions. But many of these games languish in obscurity due to a lack of interest or variable quality. So here are 10 indie games so heartbreakingly pitiful that we decided to just throw them a bone and put them on a list.
What To Expect In The First Democratic Debates #~# The first round of the Democratic Party 2020 primary debates will feature the top 20 presidential candidates over two nights in Miami. The Onion takes a look at what viewers should be watching for in the first Democratic debates.
Report: Doing Your Part To Stop Climate Change Now Requires Planting 30,000 New Trees, Getting 40,000 Cars Off The Road, Reviving 20 Square Miles Of Coral Reef #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Redefining the necessary adjustments required to address the accelerated pace of the growing global environmental crisis, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Brown University concluded that a single individual who wishes to do their part to stop climate change must remove 40,000 cars from public roadways and revive 20 square miles of coral reef. “As long as everyone on the planet intensifies their efforts by personally clearing 6.5 tons of plastic from the ocean, installing 7,000 solar panels in their community, and cutting back their use of fresh water by 300 million gallons, the human race may still have a shot at slowing climate change,” said atmospheric scientist Dr. Lauren Moffat, who further noted that each person on the planet would also ideally commit to saving at least three species from extinction every month while simultaneously working to reduce the world’s population by 1.3 billion in order to forestall global environmental collapse. “Some believe it may be too late to reverse the damage humans have done to our planet, but individual change can start with something as small as picking up four tons of garbage every day. At this point, it’s a cultural imperative for everyone to pitch in by performing small but measurable tasks—such as replacing 150 hectares of industrial buildings with hardwood forests in every U.S. city—if we want to stall the meteoric rise in global temperatures for a few more years.” Moffat added that reversing climate change can be as simple as removing every single car from the road or perfecting cold fusion.
Man Ruthlessly Scolds Other Man Online For Having Opinion He Held Less Than 2 Years Ago #~# BOSTON—Referring to his fellow anonymous Reddit commenter as “a total stooge,” 25-year-old Brian Gallagher ruthlessly scolded another man online Wednesday for having an opinion identical to one he held less than two years prior. “You’re just a fucking tool of the machine, defending the status quo,” said Gallagher, suggesting that the man echoing the beliefs of the 23-year-old Gallagher should “Wake the hell up” and “Quit carrying water for the corrupt fat cats running the shitshow.” “Are you fucking kidding me? Is that seriously what you think? You clearly don’t understand the first thing about how the world works. It’s like you’ve never even heard of Noam Chomsky, who [I first read in August of 2017] would be rolling in his grave right now if he heard the weak-ass bullshit you’re peddling. God, this whole country is fucked if you’re the future.” Gallagher further recommended that his unenlightened time-shifted doppelgänger educate himself by reading the same two articles that had changed Gallagher’s 23-year-old mind.
Congress Reaches Compromise To Admit District Of Columbia Into Union As Slave State #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the measure “a solution that satisfies both the Democrats’ desire for representation and the and Republicans’ job-creation strategy,” Congress announced Wednesday they had reached a bipartisan compromise and will admit the District of Columbia into the Union as a slave state. “After listening to passionate voices from each side and engaging in intense deliberation regarding what is best for our nation’s capital, we have found common ground and will recognize D.C. as a slave state,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), introducing a referendum that resolves the question of voter disenfranchisement in the district by making all 700,000 of its citizens property of the state. “Taxation without representation has been a point of contention regarding the district’s status for years, and the 2019 Washington Compromise resolves this perfectly. Residents cannot be required to pay burdensome taxes if they are not receiving any burdensome income. Yes, Democrats will obtain additional senators, and many on the right voiced opposition on the basis of upsetting the balance of power in the legislative branch, but as they were unable to deny the obvious economic benefits of reduced corporate overhead, both sides eventually got behind the idea. Of course, there will be a rather drastic adjustment period, but anyone who has read the Constitution will agree that this is what the founding fathers would have wanted.” Congress will further ensure a proper division of power by admitting Puerto Rico to the Union as a free state.
U.S. Imposes New Sanctions On Iran #~# In an escalation of tensions between the two nations, the U.S. imposed hard-hitting new sanctions on Iran, including on the office of Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, in retaliation for the destruction of an American drone. What do you think?
Review: ‘Crash Team Racing Nitro-Fueled’ Delivers Speed, Savagery, And Fun I Haven’t Felt Since My Third DUI #~# Released by Naughty Dog back in 1999, the original Crash Team Racing has long been considered something of a cult-classic in the kart racer genre. That’s why it was so exciting to hear that we would finally be getting a modern remake. Needless to say, fans of CTR will not be disappointed, as Nitro-Fueled delivers the level of speed, savagery, and fun that I haven’t felt since my third DUI.
‘I Just Want A Substantive, Issues-Oriented Democratic Debate,’ Lie Thousands Of Americans Hungry For Unhinged Trainwreck #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming to desire a measured, civilized discussion bringing to light the pros and cons of each candidate, thousands of Americans hungry for an unhinged trainwreck lied that they just want “a substantive, issues-oriented Democratic debate,” sources confirmed Tuesday. “I want to hear from each of the candidates and learn their stance on important matters,” said the thousands of deceitful Americans eagerly waiting to see the 23 Democratic candidates for president tear each other limb from limb in vicious smear campaigns and personal attacks under the guise of self-promotion and campaign strategy. “What I’m all about is a coherent, civil debate [that eventually leads to a humiliating GIF I can post online and eventually filter all of my opinions on a candidate through]. Finally, we might get a chance to delve into the meat of the issues in a considerate exchange of ideas [which hopefully is a facade for a mudslinging free-for-all that eventually disgraces a candidate to the point that they become a pariah and leave politics forever]. At press time, the salivating, wild-eyed nation was purportedly “disappointed with all the political back-biting” after hearing one candidate accuse another of flip-flopping on gun control.
Trump Confirms Pence As 2020 Running Mate #~# In an interview with Chuck Todd, Donald Trump said that Mike Pence would be his running mate in 2020, ruling out speculation on other options. What do you think? 
Paul Manafort Trying To Ferment Vintage Cheval Blanc In Toilet Tank #~# NEW YORK—Hoping to replicate the Bordeaux wine’s rich flavor profile, Paul Manafort reportedly attempted to create an approximation of a vintage Château Cheval Blanc Tuesday by using a toilet tank to ferment various liquids he had squirreled away inside his prison cell. “It definitely has that oakiness I’m going for, but it still tastes a little more acidic than the ’49,” said Manafort, who according to sources decanted the Robitussin–fruit cocktail blend into a plastic cup, took a sip, and smacked his lips, praising the beverage’s “fecal undertaste.” “I don’t know if it could quite hold its own against an early ’50s reserve, but it’s as close as I’m going to get to a drinkable vintage in here. I could probably charge three cartons of cigarettes for just one plastic baggie of this stuff. It would pair excellently with tonight’s Nutraloaf.” At press time, reports confirmed Manafort was in hysterics after accidentally flushing his creation.
Aretha Franklin Institute For Female Entrepreneurship Confirms Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves #~# LOS ANGELES—Concluding an exhaustive seven-year study of the lives of women in every American demographic, the Aretha Franklin Institute for Female Entrepreneurship concluded Tuesday that sisters are doin’ it for themselves. “After interviewing thousands of mothers, daughters, and their daughters too, the data indicate a rising trend in sisters not only doin’ it for themselves, but also standing on their own two feet while doing so,” said Institute spokeswoman Anna Ling, referencing the 300-page study, which shows a significant increase in women coming out of the kitchen, ringing on their own bells, and becoming doctors, lawyers, politicians too. “There was a time when some people believed that behind every man there had to be a great woman, but in these times of change, we can see that this is no longer true. Thanks to a generous donation provided by the Eurythmic Scholarship Foundation, we were able to speak with thousands of women across all ages, races, and economic backgrounds. There’s women right next to you, and no one is doing it for them. They’re all doing it for themselves.” Ling suggested that if anyone had any doubts about what sisters were doing, they should take a look around to educate themselves.
Bolton Says Military Action Still On The Table #~# White House National Security Adviser John Bolton told Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that the U.S. may still order a military strike against Iran. What do you think?
Gaming Addict Attempting To Slowly Wean Self Off Of Real Life #~# It’s an honest-to-god redemption story: After admitting to friends and family that he had developed a serious problem, 32-year-old gaming addict Trevor Osborne revealed this week that he was trying to slowly wean himself off of real life.
Giannis Antetokounmpo Credits Success To Early Days Playing Against Greek Gods #~# MILWAUKEE, WI—Asserting that the rough-and-tumble style of play he learned on Mount Olympus was the reason he is here today, Giannis Antetokounmpo told reporters Tuesday that he credits his NBA success to his childhood days of playing basketball against Greek gods. “I really honed my skills on the court by squaring off against old-timers like Ares and Athena. I wouldn’t be the player I am now without having to dodge boulders thrown by 20-foot Titans or fend off Cerberus in the paint,” said the 24-year-old Greece native, who attributed his ability to finish through contact to Hephaestus raising mountains in front of him as he went in for dunks. “I’m so grateful that I got to play Zeus one-on-one—I got so much stronger from trying to post him up while he assumed the form of a brick wall. I actually mastered my euro step by dodging his lightning bolts en route to the basket. In fact, most of those gods could get across the entire court in less than two strides, so I didn’t really know it was a big deal until I started playing stateside. Those deities helped make me who I am today.” Antetokounmpo also revealed that he signed an endorsement deal with Nike as a way to pay off the 5,000 silver drachmas he owes every year as a tribute to the Olympians.
Obesity Rates Falling Among U.S. Preschoolers #~# Obesity rates among U.S. preschoolers have dropped from 16% in 2010 to 14% this year, offering hope that school dietary changes may have helped curb the health epidemic. What do you think?
John Bolton Urges War Against The Sun After Uncovering Evidence It Has Nuclear Capabilities #~# WASHINGTON—Amid escalating tensions with the hostile celestial object, National Security Adviser John Bolton argued for military action against the Sun Monday after being presented with evidence it has nuclear capabilities. “Newly collected intelligence shows the Sun, day after day, generating extreme levels of nuclear energy, and America simply cannot stand idly by any longer,” said Bolton, adding that the United States will soon be forced to consider a preemptive attack on the Sun, such as deploying troops to the Sun’s surface or a targeted strike to swiftly take out the Sun. “We know the Sun is harboring dangerous amounts of nuclear power in what we are referring to as its ‘Core,’ a site where the Sun appears to be fusing over 600 million metric tons of hydrogen every second. This is, needless to say, an extremely powerful, aggressive star that threatens the American way of life, and, frankly, I question the utility of negotiating with such an unreasonable orb.” Bolton added that the United States would likely consider military action after giving the Sun a chance to comply with a nuclear accord.
Wretched Outcast Woman With Combination Skin Forever Trapped Between Dry And Oily Worlds #~# BROOKLYN—Doomed to wander the Earth imprisoned by a complexion requiring both mattifying and hydrating products, sources confirmed Monday that wretched outcast of a woman Hattie Jean was forever trapped between the realms of the dry and the oily due to her accursed combination skin. “No matter where I go, whether high-end makeup counter or local drugstore, I’ll never be truly greasy enough or purely flakey enough to truly belong,” said the 31-year-old who was cursed by a tragic accident of birth to spend the rest of her unbalanced cutaneous life marooned between moisturizing and exfoliating. “When I walk the skin care aisle, women gawk at the dull glisten of my T-zone and the angry red splotches of my cheeks, and they shudder in disgust. ‘Begone, afflicted freak!’ they hiss, as if I chose a life of needing to simultaneously absorb and produce the very oil of my face. Those who live with a foot in both worlds have no place to truly call home.” At press time, Jean was asked to leave Sephora for upsetting the other customers.
Hero Coworker Contributes Single Tissue To Water Spill Cleanup Efforts At Next Desk #~# CINCINNATI—Springing into action within moments of seeing the plastic cup topple over, hero coworker Brian Alvarez contributed a single tissue to the water-spill cleanup efforts at the desk of an officemate, sources at Bridgemeyer Marketing Services stated Monday. Several reports indicated that Alvarez selflessly removed the sheet of facial tissue from a dispenser he keeps on his own desk and valiantly dropped the two-ply 8-by-8-inch paper product onto the expanding puddle as it neared a cup of pencils. Though the tissue ultimately could not contain the estimated 16 ounces of water as it spread across the desk and onto the floor, sources confirmed the gallant 33-year-old had nonetheless sacrificed part of his own personal 75-count box of Kleenex so that others might remain dry. At press time, eyewitnesses reported that an even more heroic coworker had contributed a wadded-up takeout napkin to the effort.
Nenê Wins NBA’s Tenth Man Of The Year Award #~# HOUSTON—Commemorating the veteran big man for the minutes worth of contributions he made to a great Rockets team, Nenê Hilario was honored as the Tenth Man Of The Year at Monday night’s NBA Awards. “Whether he was high-fiving teammates after a timeout or setting a couple ball screens while the starters rested, Nenê defined an exemplary tenth man,” said head coach Mike D’Antoni, who gave credit to Hilario for Houston having some of the best post-dunk bench celebrations in the league and praised his invaluable part in locker room pranks. “We’re thrilled that Nenê is finally getting recognized for all he does. Stats just don’t capture the value of someone who can check in, give someone a hard foul, and immediately check out of the game. From physically restraining teammates in an altercation to getting in the ref’s face to argue a bad call, he has been instrumental in our team’s success.” At press time, Nenê had been traded away by the Rockets for a late-round 2021 pick in a salary-cap dump to help re-sign James Harden next year.
Nation’s Men Holding Acoustic Guitars Announce Plan To Idly Strum While You Try To Talk To Them #~# WASHINGTON—Fingering a few chords while approaching the lectern at the press conference, the nation’s men holding acoustic guitars announced their plans Monday to idly strum while you try to speak to them. “We believe the best response to any attempt to engage us in conversation is to nod our heads while tinkering around with a couple chord progressions without ever stopping to fully listen to anything you’re saying,” said Scott Wiley, 32, on behalf of acoustic guitar-toting men across the country, stressing that while they may make intermittent eye contact while saying things like “uh-huh” or “yeah, man, that sounds cool,” their focus ultimately remained on vaguely singing a few lyrics under their breath before launching into a blues-inflected lick. “Now, will we actually hear anything you’re trying to tell us? Right now, that’s unclear. But we just want everyone to know that regardless of how pressing you might think talking with us might be, we’re committed to grinning and tentatively plucking out variations on an Em chord for the foreseeable future.” At press time, the nation’s guitar-wielding men had responded to follow-up questions by biting their lips while finger-picking the introduction to “Blackbird.”
EPA Weakens U.S. Climate Change Plan #~# The Trump EPA has rolled out a plan known as the Affordable Clean Energy rule, which will weaken Obama-era regulations and could increase carbon emissions. What do you think?
Man Remembers It Summer Solstice After Noticing Group Of Pagans Fucking In Ring Of Fire On Way To Work #~# TULSA, OK—Saying he had almost completely forgotten the longest day of the year was approaching, local resident Phil Garrison suddenly remembered it was the summer solstice Friday after noticing a group of pagans fucking in a ring of fire while walking to work. “Honestly, I hadn’t even thought about the midsummer until I smelled the scent of rendered goat fat in the air and saw a bunch of worshippers writhing around a bonfire in a feast of flesh,” said Garrison, adding that he had been confused when he stumbled onto an ornamental blood trail leading into the open field until he saw the fully nude revelers joining hands while wearing garlands of wildflowers and chanting in Celtic to appease the Triple Goddess before vigorously penetrating one another on the dirt-covered earth. “It kind of sucks because I left my robes and everything at home, so I’m just standing there watching the druid getting his penis hard enough to play the role of the Horned God and I don’t even have a rattle to shake at him. Man, it’s crazy that I almost let the bacchanal pass me by.” At press time, a naked Garrison was spotted throwing his clothes into the flames and approaching the pagans to offer them some of his semen for the upcoming fertility rites.
Bolton Calls For Forceful Iranian Response To Continuing U.S. Aggression #~# WASHINGTON—Demanding that the Middle Eastern nation retaliate immediately in self-defense against the existential threat posed by America’s military operations, National Security Adviser John Bolton called for a forceful Iranian response Friday to continuing United States aggression. “Iran cannot sit idly by as the American imperialist machine encroaches on their territory, threatens their sovereignty, and endangers their very way of life,” said Bolton, warning that America’s fanatical leadership, steadfast devotion to flexing their muscles in the region, and alleged access to nuclear weapons necessitated that Iran strike back with a vigorous show of force as soon—and as hard—as possible. “The only thing these Westerners understand is violence, so it’s imperative that Iran sends a clear message that they won’t be walked over. Let’s not forget, the U.S. defied a diplomatically negotiated treaty for seemingly no reason at all-—these are dangerous radicals that cannot be reasoned with. They’ve been given every opportunity to back down, but their goal is total domination of the region, and Iran won’t stand for that.” At press time, Bolton said that the only option left on the table was for Iran to launch a full-fledged military strike against the Great Satan.
James Harden, Chris Paul Deny Rumors Of Discord, Say They Are Fully Committed To Team At State Farm #~# HOUSTON—Attempting to set the record straight about reports of a toxic work relationship between the two players, James Harden and Chris Paul publicly denied rumors of discord Friday and reiterated that they remain fully committed to the team at State Farm Insurance. “Things may get heated from time to time, but at the end of the day, we both know all we want success for State Farm,” said Harden in a statement to the press, hoping to assure fans that they would be seeing the pair bouncing jokes off each other in State Farm commercials for years to come. “Sure, sometimes we might clash over the artistic direction of a commercial or if someone accidentally steps on someone else’s line, but it’s all done out of love for State Farm. Even though we may lose our heads now and then, we’re still very passionate about our performance in these commercials. We’re both in this for the long haul and want to build a real legacy here.” Harden and Paul both agreed that with a little more investment in new talent, State Farm could end up as the number-one insurance company in the country.
$1 Billion Worth Of Cocaine Seized #~# Federal authorities have seized 165 tons of cocaine with a street value of $1 billion in the Packer Marine Terminal in Philadelphia. What do you think?
Report: Trying To Hug Oncoming Train Still Leading Cause Of Death For Nation’s Idiots #~# GENEVA—Calling the literal embrace of high-speed rail traffic “an endemic among pea-brained morons across the country,” the World Health Organization confirmed Friday that attempts at hugging oncoming trains remain the leading cause of death of idiots across the United States. “According to our research, roughly 31% of the nation’s imbeciles die each year right after crouching on the tracks, slapping their thighs while saying ‘Come to papa,’ and then widely throwing open their arms to embrace an oncoming locomotive,” said WHO Director-General Tedros Adhanom, who noted that more than 50,000 dipshit mortality cases annually are preceded by the deceased puckering their lips and crooning “somebody wants a kissie kiss” while placing a foot upon each rail. “Tragically, we continue to see dumbasses fatally assume a train’s headlight is a beaming happy face headed towards them. Data indicate that a significant portion of this demographic also says ‘The train is my best friend’ before lumbering toward their doom with a moronic grin plastered on their face. Thus far, all efforts to curb these incidents through gesturing, yelling, or sounding the train’s warning siren have resulted in delighted halfwits saying ‘Choo choo!’ or even ‘I love you too, Mister Train.’” In less tragic news, Adhanom added that both jumping from a tree in attempts to fly alongside the birds and squeezing into cages to pet the pretty lions claimed the lives of roughly 5,000 fewer fucking dolts last year.
‘The Lion King’ Turns 25 #~# This week marks 25 years since The Lion King was released by Disney in 1994, and over that time the animated film became a cultural sensation that spawned a media empire. The Onion looks back at The Lion King on its 25th anniversary.
Fashion Designers Announce Plans to Wave With Both Hands, Bow Slightly #~# NEW YORK—Dressed completely in black outfits accessorized only with ornate brooches, the nation’s fashion designers announced plans Friday to wave with both hands and bow slightly at the end of their fashion shows. “We’re well-pleased to continue standing at the end of the catwalk with vaguely mysterious smiles on our faces, taking in your adoration while mouthing ‘Thank you. Thank you so much,’” a press release from the designers read in part, which also confirmed speculation that participating fashionistas would continue their tradition of blowing the audience a single kiss with both hands. “You may also expect us to press one hand to our chests while swooning slightly and pointing to any other designers in the audience who served as inspiration. As always, we further plan to share the love by asking our models to do a triumphant little victory lap.” In a related report, the nation’s fashion show attendees announced plans to clap daintily between surreptitious lines of cocaine.
Little League Coach Just Washed-Up Former Little Leaguer #~# DERBY, KS—Speculating that the sad former star was probably just attempting to relive his glory days, several sources told reporters Friday that Little League coach Mark Clancy, 27, was nothing but a washed-up former Little Leaguer. “Look at him out there acting like he’s this big deal. This guy hasn’t been in the Little League for years. It’s pathetic,” said spectator Louise Birch on the out-of-shape coach of the Wichita regional Little League team, speculating that Clancy’s MVP medal for the Benton school Wolfpack went straight to his head and he’s never let it go. “You can just tell he thinks he knows it all just because he had a few good seasons back in the Westurban pee-wee league in the mid-’90s. He’s trying to make it feel like it did when he was 8 years old and throwing people out at first or batting .125. Yeah, he was pretty good in his prime—a lot of people around here remember him from back then—but to see him at 27? It’s just sad. He never even won a Little League World Series.” Birch also recalled the game two decades ago, where Clancy completely choked and let the ball roll between his legs, tripping backwards before accidentally throwing the ball to the third base instead of second.
Knicks Front Office Scrambling After Zion Williamson Drafted Before 3rd Pick #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Nervously pacing and muttering under their breath after having their draft board completely blown up, the New York Knicks front office was scrambling Thursday after the Pelicans drafted Zion Williamson before they could take him with the third overall pick. “We were so sure that Zion was going to fall to us that we haven’t really scouted or evaluated any of the other players. It’s devastating,” said General Manager Scott Perry, who claimed that nobody in the Knicks front office had heard anything about the Pelicans’ interest in drafting Williamson and that their entire off-season strategy was predicated on adding him to the roster. “Zion was our guy, we were so sure about it, we even have the ‘Williamson’ jersey that we were going to hand to him sitting here in our office. We knew other teams were interested, but all of our expertise and research said he was going to be available. Now we just have to make a wild guess with whoever is left.” Perry added that this was the Knicks’ biggest draft day surprise since they had planned to draft Anthony Davis with the 48th pick in 2012.
World Will Get Half Of Its Power From Wind And Solar By 2050 #~# Nearly half the world’s electricity will come from renewable energy by midcentury as costs of wind, solar and battery storage continue to plummet, according to a report from Bloomberg. What do you think?
Bolton Argues War With Iran Only Way To Avenge Americans Killed In Upcoming War With Iran #~# WASHINGTON—Addressing the future casualties in a somber and often-emotional press conference, John Bolton told reporters Thursday that a war with Iran was the only way to avenge Americans killed in an upcoming war with Iran. “Sadly, I believe direct military conflict with Iran is the only suitable response for the heartbreaking deaths of our troops in that upcoming military conflict,” said the national security advisor, noting that only by launching a ground invasion of the Islamic Republic could he ensure the thousands of U.S. troops who will perish in that ground invasion will not perish in vain. “It would be a dishonor to everything our brave men and women will sacrifice if we fail to send them into battle to retaliate for their eventual deaths. Then, and only then, can we truly close the book on this impending tragedy.” Bolton also announced plans to issue 15 preemptive Medals of Honor to military spouses who will be widowed after losing their husbands in the 2021 Battle of Tehran.
Fascinating Lore: Nintendo Revealed That The Reason Mario Always Comes Back To Life After He Dies Is Because Both Heaven And Hell Reject His Soul #~# Nintendo just let slip a huge piece of Mario lore! During this week’s Nintendo Direct, CEO Doug Bowser confirmed for the first time that the world’s favorite Italian plumber always comes back to life after he dies due to both Heaven and Hell rejecting his soul.
Michael Bennet Quietly Asks Aide If Polling At N/A Is Good Or Bad #~# DENVER—Pulling aside the staffer after a strategy meeting, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bennet (D-CO) quietly asked one of his aides if polling at N/A is good or bad, campaign sources confirmed Thursday. “Hey, so this might be a dumb question, but could you please tell me what that is?” said Bennet, who gestured toward the figures on the presentation slide showing him polling just below John Delaney, Tim Ryan, and Steve Bullock as nearby staffers nervously looked down at their papers to avoid making eye contact with the candidate. “I’m sure it’s good, but I just want to know how good. Is that a fraction of some sort? Is it so high they can’t put a number on it? Close to 100? I was never good at algebra, you know. Ooh, they’re someone’s initials! No? ‘Near Awesome’? ‘No Accounting’ for how good it is? If it was bad, you guys would tell me, right?” At press time, the campaign staff had gone silent as Bennet slammed his fist on the table and declared he was going to run out and grab everybody doughnuts to celebrate.
Chuck Schumer: ‘The American People Deserve A President Who Can More Credibly Justify War With Iran’ #~# WASHINGTON—In a pointed critique of President Trump’s foreign policy leadership, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer stated to members of the press Thursday that “the American people deserve a president who can more credibly justify war with Iran.” “What the American people need is a president who can make a much more convincing case for going to war with Iran,” said Schumer (D-NY), adding that the Trump administration’s corruption and dishonesty have “proven time and time again” that it lacks the conviction necessary to act as an effective cheerleader for the conflict. “Donald Trump is completely unfit to assume the mantle of telling the American people what they need to hear in order to convince them a war with Iran is a good idea. One of the key duties of the president is to gain the trust of the people so that they feel comfortable going along with whatever he says. President Trump’s failure to serve as a credible advocate for this war is yet another instance in which he has disappointed not only his colleagues in Washington, but also the entire nation.” Schumer later concluded his statement with a vow that he and his fellow Democrats will continue working toward a more palatable case in favor of bombing Iran. 
U.S. Claims Drone Was Minding Own Business On Its Way To Church When Iran Attacked It Out Of Nowhere #~# WASHINGTON—Maintaining that the unmanned aerial vehicle was simply going about its day without posing a threat to anyone, U.S. Department of State officials claimed Thursday that one of their drones was minding its own business on its way to church when Iran attacked it out of nowhere. “This was an outrageous, unprovoked attack by the Islamic Republic of Iran on an innocent drone who merely wanted to attend mass in peace,” said acting Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, emphasizing the drone’s upstanding moral character by pointing out its history of donating to charity, volunteering at soup kitchens, and making homemade cookies for school bake sales. “We’re talking about a drone that sings in the church choir and coaches little league baseball games on the weekends—an absolute pillar of the community. This is an upstanding family drone who did nothing to deserve any sort of attack. What kind of world do we live in where an innocent drone can’t fly through Iranian air space on its way to church?” At press time, Department of Defense officials confirmed that their request for Iran to return the drone’s body back to the U.S. for a proper burial had gone unanswered.
Rolos Unveils New Cryptocurrency Exclusively For Rolos Customers #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Calling the new financial system the “future” of digital caramel assets, Nestlé unveiled a new Rolos-based cryptocurrency Thursday exclusively for Rolos customers. “If you enjoy the deliciously sweet experience of eating a Rolos rolled chocolate candy, then you will love our latest foray into blockchain technology: Our cryptocurrency, RoloBucks,” said Nestlé USA CEO Steve Presley, adding that the new financial system would finally free Rolos customers from traditional financial institutions and could be used to purchase hundreds of Rolo products, including Rolos, Mini Rolos, and Rolo-flavored Ice Cream. “Here at Rolos, we understand the importance of buying your chocolate with anonymous, untraceable cryptocurrencies, and we firmly believe in decentralized control. So, please, log onto our new marketplace, Rolos Exchange, and begin trading today.” At press time, investors in RoloBucks had already lost over $7.8 billion in the Rolo market.
Exhilarated Woman Discovers Last Person Who Used Jigsaw Puzzle Left Lots Of Pieces Sticking Together #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Emphasizing that a few pieces are even from a difficult single-color section comprising “practically nothing but empty blue sky,” Caitlin Roth, 34, was exhilarated Thursday to discover that the previous person to use the jigsaw puzzle at her Airbnb had left “a ton” of pieces sticking together. “Holy shit, like, half of the red barn is done already! Yeah, baby!” said Roth upon realizing she had a 60 to 80 piece head start on the 500-piece farm tableau. “It’s not even just edges. There’s a bunch of middle stuff in place, too! God, these little grass sections would’ve been tricky because there really aren’t a whole lot of defining features. All I’m left with is the tractor, the horse, and the little birds up top, and then honestly, I can just coast. How fucking lucky am I, huh?” Roth later gave up after spending roughly 15 minutes attempting to complete the puzzle.
‘Hunger Games’ Prequel Novel Coming In 2020 #~# The Hunger Games author Suzanne Collins is writing a prequel to the series set 64 years before the beginning of the rebellion in her bestselling trilogy. What do you think?
Small Town Rallies To Save Boy Trapped In Hell #~# WAUKEE, IA—Ever since he fell down a portal to the underworld while playing in a field behind his grandparents’ house, residents of a small town in central Iowa have been racing against the clock to save 8-year-old Joey Fletcher, who sources confirmed is currently trapped in hell.
Lush Unveils New Line Of Anti-Aging Youthful Maiden BloodBombs #~# POOLE, UK—Touting their new product as “the absolute latest and best in skin-rejuvenation solutions,” UK-based cosmetics retailer Lush unveiled Thursday a new line of anti-aging Youthful Maiden BloodBombs. “Our new BloodBombs are formulated from only the purest virgin’s blood and are guaranteed to infuse your skin with a supple, youthful glow,” said Lush spokesperson Kisha Gallup during an exclusive product unveiling at the cosmetics retailer’s flagship store, adding that loyal customers were offered free samples and a behind-the-scenes look at the company’s production dungeons. “All of the blood used in these bombs is fully oxygenated, sourced directly from the Swiss Alps or the French countryside to ensure the best balance between freshness and innocence, and has never been tested on animals. Plus, our commitment to quality ensures that we only use the purest, cleanest virgin blood, harvested in the Old World tradition, with no adulteration from fillers of additives. We promise you: Bathe in the velvety ruby richness of our Youthful Maiden BloodBombs and you’ll feel invigorated, relaxed, and 20 years younger.” Lush has warned customers to only use the new product under a full moon to prevent their skin from drying out and crumbling into dust. 
Poll: Support For Abortion Growing #~# A growing proportion of Americans—56%— believe abortion should be legal, according to an NBC poll, rising from 49% in 2008. What do you think?
Alex Jones Struggling To Convince Skeptical Police After Witnessing Actual Murder In Neighbor’s Backyard #~# AUSTIN, TX—Growing increasingly more distressed as he pleaded with authorities, Alex Jones was reportedly struggling to convince skeptical police Tuesday night that he witnessed an actual murder in his neighbor’s backyard. “Sure, yeah, Mr. Jones, you saw some guy stabbing his wife through your back window,” said police dispatcher Dave Blevins, who shook his head and chuckled as a desperate Jones recounted the bloody attack he unwittingly observed after waking up in the middle of the night and getting a glass of water from the kitchen sink. “First it was the lizard people, and now this? Come on, pal, this is the fifth time you’ve called us this week. You don’t actually expect us to believe you saw him in the backyard with a shovel burying her body and burning his clothes, right? We have actual crimes to solve, so goodnight.” At press time, Jones was dashing up the stairs in horror after spotting his blood-soaked neighbor pressing his face against the unlocked screen door.
U.N. Secretary General Assumes Someone Already Doing Something About Uighur Internment Camps #~# NEW YORK—Speculating that there were probably dozens of people out there who had a handle on the situation, U.N. Secretary General António Guterres assumed Wednesday that someone was already doing something about the one million Uighur Muslims currently detained in Chinese internment camps in Xinjiang Province. “I presume there’s a group of some sort that stepped up after seeing China imprisoning a million of their own Muslim citizens for religious reeducation,” said Guterres, surmising that given the severity and scope of the situation, there were most likely several powerful world leaders and maybe even an international governing body dedicated to taking care of the whole thing before it escalated further. “Frankly, it would be weird if somebody didn’t see a Muslim minority being rounded up without trial and immediately jump into action by signing some sort of accord. Or maybe the whole Uighur thing was already wrapped up—I haven’t really looked into it recently. I mean, it started back in 2014, so there’s been plenty of time. Either way, there’s no chance in hell the world would just turn its back on a clearly oppressed people like this, right?” At press time, U.N. officials were reportedly delighted to hear China had already volunteered to sort out the issue themselves.
Warren Buffett Tells Colleagues About Exciting Investment Opportunity He Recently Discovered Selling Mary Kay Beauty Products #~# OMAHA, NE—Encouraging his circle of close friends and family members to imagine the freedom of making money as their own boss in the growing field of personal beauty products, billionaire investor Warren Buffett hosted a party Wednesday to inform his colleagues about the exciting investment opportunities he had recently discovered in selling Mary Kay cosmetics. “An opportunity like this doesn’t come around every day—you can make good money simply selling amazing high-quality beauty solutions to your besties and your coworkers or, if you’re feeling adventurous, make new customer connections by selling door-to-door!” said the giddy Berkshire Hathaway CEO and recent addition to the Mary Kay team, addressing the roughly two dozen attendees, a collection of Fortune 500 members, and Berkshire board members who listened politely as Buffet extolled the virtues of working for the cosmetics giant and the ease of moving up the company ranks. “I’m only four recruits away from becoming a Red Jacket, which gives me a shot at earning a $50 team-building bonus. Tell you what— next week, you guys can all come over for snacks and margaritas and we’ll all sample some amazing new products!” Buffett, who many consider the master of evaluating an investment’s intrinsic value through its potential future earnings, was also reportedly pursuing a lucrative investment opportunity in It Works! fat-burning body wraps.
Pros And Cons Of Mandatory National Service #~# A recent federal study stated there’s a case to be made for young Americans to participate in a period of mandatory national service, not necessarily in the military, adding fuel to a long-debated policy idea. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of mandatory national service.
Babysitter Enters Third Hour Of Negotiations To Get 4-Year-Old To Put His Pants Back On #~# IOWA CITY, IA—Deliberately marshaling the last of her patience with the half-naked preschooler in the hopes of reaching a peaceful resolution, babysitter Rachel Cullman entered into the third hour of negotiations Tuesday to get 4-year-old Caden Foley to put his pants back on as the window before his bedtime drew ever closer to closing. “Come on, Caden, your parents will be home any minute now, and if you’re running around like this, I’m going to look like a total idiot. Please, for the love of God, just put your pants back on,” said Cullman, who, despite using all the childcare knowledge acquired in three years of babysitting to de-escalate the situation without resorting to her final bargaining tactic of bribery with chocolate pudding cups, was stonewalled by the pantless boy, who refused to come down from the couch where he was threatening to pee on the family dog. “I can get you whatever you want—bubbles, an episode of Doc McStuffins, overalls instead of pants—you just say the word and it’s yours. How about we start by just putting on some fun Spider-Man underwear? We don’t want your family to see you like this. You have all the power right now, Caden. You’re the boss here. Let’s just take it nice and easy.” At press time, Caden had convinced his 2-year-old brother, Liam, to take off his diaper.
New Polls Show Warren In Second Place #~# Several new polls show Elizabeth Warren surging to second place behind Joe Biden, suggesting a head-to-head race for the primary’s more liberal voters between herself and Bernie Sanders. What do you think?
Harpoon Industry Attempting Rebrand By Pointing Out Harpoons Can Harpoon Stuff Besides Whales #~# NEW BEDFORD, MA—Launching an ambitious new public relations campaign across multiple media platforms, a coalition of harpoon industry executives unveiled a plan Wednesday to rebrand their product by emphasizing to the public that harpoons can harpoon stuff besides whales. “For centuries, the average consumer has assumed that harpoons, with their razor-sharp points and tenacious barbs, were only good  for shooting whales, but harpoons can also be utilized to shoot all sorts of things like, say, a home intruder or deer,” said harpoon industry spokesperson Barnaby Amundson, adding that a modern harpooning setup, with its steam-powered gun emplacement and cable reel, was no longer than a compact sedan and could launch a harpoon every eight minutes when properly crewed. “The only limit to harpooning is your imagination. For instance, you can harpoon a tree, or if you’re not in the mood to specifically harpoon anything, the harpoon can be fired straight up into the air. Perhaps there’s something across the room or the yard that you need—impale it on a harpoon and simply reel it in. And yes, they still work on whales, but harpoon ownership is so much more than that—it’s a convenience, a feeling, a whole lifestyle.” Amundson was also encouraging avid harpoonists to Instagram photos of non-whale-related objects they’ve impaled.
Tips For Avoiding Harassment While Playing Games Online #~# Multiplayer gaming can be a stressful experience with the anonymity of the online world making trolls out of a surprising number of players. But with just a few simple techniques, you can restore the fun and excitement to any game. Here are a few tips to avoid harassment while playing online games.
Turkish Restaurant Thrown Into Complete Disarray By Entry Of Single Customer #~# CHICAGO—Evidently perceiving a distinct change in the Turkish restaurant’s atmosphere, dinnertime sources confirmed that eatery Taste Of Istanbul was thrown into complete disarray Tuesday by the entry of a single customer. “A couple guys were sorting silverware as I walked in, but once they noticed me, they just hauled ass to the kitchen, where there was hurried conversation for a few moments before someone in the back shouted that I could sit anywhere I like,” said the lone patron, 33-year-old Sam Schonart, who further elaborated that several employees eventually approached his table to take his order, each of them setting down a separate cup of Turkish tea. “I asked the waiter about the soup of the day. He excused himself to check, but it took him around 10 minutes to figure it out. A bunch of little kids were running in and out of the dining room the whole time, so I guess it’s a family-run place? There were also a bunch of older guys playing backgammon in the side room, and I wasn’t sure if they were customers or what, but one of them did ask if I was enjoying my meal. Actually, I felt kind of bad because everyone seemed much more relaxed before I got there.” Schonart, who later became certain he had been forgotten, was halfway out the door when his order of doner kebab was placed on his table.
White House Claims Iran Behind Attack On Nancy Kerrigan #~# WASHINGTON—Blasting the Middle Eastern nation for the brutal assault on the Olympic figure skater, President Donald Trump claimed Tuesday that Iran was behind the infamous 1994 attack on Nancy Kerrigan. “It is because of the crazed actions of the Ayatollah that a world-class athlete was cut down in her prime,” said Trump, describing how the Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Khamenei used a baton to bludgeon her legs after practice one night while then-president Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani waited outside the Detroit arena in a running car to help him make a clean getaway. “These clearly belligerent actions are a provocation to Americans who loved this graceful young skater and everything she represented. Nancy Kerrigan could have placed gold if it weren’t for Iran’s disgusting aggression. The Ayatollah’s fingerprints were found all over the crime scene, and we as a nation won’t stand for it.” Trump added that the U.S. military had deployed 1,000 troops into the Middle East in hopes of finding peace for Nancy Kerrigan and her family.
Iran Threatens To Breach Nuclear Deal #~# Iran said Monday that it had begun enriching uranium and would violate the 2015 nuclear accord within weeks if efforts were not made to ease the damage done by United States sanctions, which themselves violated the deal. What do you think?
ICE Argues Migrants In Camps Are Free To Die At Any Time #~# WASHINGTON—Defending the law enforcement agency from criticism about detaining thousands of people who had been living or seeking asylum in the U.S., Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials argued Tuesday that migrants in their camps are free to die at any time. “It’s been our position from the beginning that if anyone we’ve detained doesn’t like it here, they’re welcome to drop dead,” said ICE acting director Mark Morgan, adding that accusations about poor conditions at the agency’s facilities completely ignored the fact that migrants were categorically permitted to expire at any time of their choosing. “Don’t point fingers at us, okay? If migrants want to go meet their maker, that’s their prerogative. That’s our policy for any detained migrant, no matter their status or age—they all have free rein to perish from this earth at any moment and return to dust. No one’s keeping them alive here.” Morgan backed up his assertions by noting that several detained migrants had chosen to die already and the agency hadn’t lifted a finger to stop them.
Crime Scene Forensic Investigator Reminds Officers To Stop Shooting At Dead Body Under Sheet #~# ST. LOUIS—Repeatedly telling them they were interfering with his duties, forensic investigator Albert Correo reminded several police officers at a crime scene Tuesday to stop shooting at the dead body under a sheet. “Listen to me, I’m trying to fingerprint this person so we can identify them, but it’s pretty hard to do that when you keep emptying your pistols into the corpse—he’s already dead, okay?” said Correo to four officers taking turns firing rounds into the body under the bullet-ridden sheet, growing frustrated after he had finally convinced them to stop and a gust of wind picked the sheet off the corpse slightly, causing the police to begin shooting it again. “Come on, you guys, you’re messing up my blood spatter report. How many times do I have to tell you? Stop shooting dead people after the investigators have arrived on the scene, cordoned it off, and started gathering evidence for our report. There’s already going to be a bunch of paperwork because you gunned down an unarmed guy but at least your work is done—I can’t take photographs with bullets flying around everywhere.” At press time, the exasperated forensic investigator had decided to just come back in an hour when the officers were done.
Nike Unveils Size-Inclusive Mannequin Eating A 12-Inch Hoagie #~# BEAVERTON, OR—In what the sportswear giant is hailing as a company-wide embrace of body positivity, Nike announced Tuesday it would introduce its first-ever size-inclusive mannequin, a hefty male figure eating a 12-inch hoagie. “We want everyone to feel represented when shopping at a Nike store, so now each of our locations across the United States will feature mannequins going to town on a wide variety of classic sandwiches, including roast beef subs, chicken parm heroes, and meatball grinders,” said company spokesperson Alexandria Wilt, adding that each mannequin would wear a mustard-stained Nike shirt matted with pieces of shredded lettuce and provolone, as well as a fitness tracker on its wrist indicating it had walked 17 steps to the fridge to grab a jar of mayonnaise. “Whether you eat sandwiches standing over the kitchen sink or prefer to let your hoagie rest on your torso while reclining on a couch, Nike makes gear for your lifestyle. We want customers to see themselves depicted in media associated with our brand, and we’re proud to celebrate bodies of all shapes and sizes as they hunch over all kinds of great subs.” At press time, Nike confirmed it had added a 32-ounce energy drink to the mannequin’s hand to address concerns the representation would be unrealistic without there being something for it to wash down the hoagie with.
Texas Instruments Announces New Plug-And-Play TI-83 Classic #~# Get ready for a blast of nostalgia! Texas Instruments just announced they’re launching a plug-and-play TI-83 Classic that comes preloaded with two dozen games such as ZTetris and 9sweeper.
O.J. Simpson Joins Twitter #~# O.J. Simpson joined Twitter this past weekend under the handle @therealoj32, noting that he hoped his presence would be “a lot of fun” and joking that he had “a little gettin’ even to do.” What do you think?
Taylor Swift Inspires Teen To Come Out As Straight Woman Needing To Be At Center Of Gay Rights Narrative #~# UPPER ARLINGTON, OH—Describing how the pop singer’s latest music video provided the encouragement she had been looking for, local teen Gabriella Bowman was reportedly inspired Monday by Taylor Swift to come out as a straight woman needing to be at the center of the gay rights narrative. “As soon as the video for the pride anthem opened with a close shot of Taylor’s face, my heart stopped and I thought, ‘That’s me,’” said Bowman, who explained how watching the artist use LGBTQ iconography to advance her career empowered the 17-year-old to arrive at an epiphany about wresting a movement out of marginalized people’s hands and into her own. “For my whole life, I’ve lived in shame and fear about the mere idea of making Pride Month about me. People always tried to tell me that I should let others speak for themselves, that they should control their own narratives. They even told me that I was ‘confused.’ And even though Taylor Swift has now shown me that it’s okay to be me, it breaks my heart that there are still so many straight people out there who haven’t yet stepped forward to make LGBTQ equality all about them.” At press time, Bowman had assembled a group of her closest gay friends and family members to inform them she was their leader now.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders Leaving White House #~# Ending a tenure marked by a combative relationship with the press and repeated fabrications, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be leaving her post at the end of the month. What do you think?
White House Hires Top Hollywood Agent To Pitch Action-Packed, High-Concept War With Iran To American Public #~# LOS ANGELES—As part of their effort to sell an armed conflict that would be far bigger and more dramatic than anything modern audiences have seen, White House officials hired a top Hollywood agent Monday to help them pitch the American public on an action-filled, big-budget war with Iran.
Boeing CEO Admits Company Made Mistake By Including Automatic Self-Destruct Function On All 737 Max Planes #~# CHICAGO—Acknowledging that certain practical considerations had been overlooked in production, Boeing president and CEO Dennis Muilenburg admitted at a press conference Monday that the company had made a mistake by including an automatic self-destruct function on all 737 Max airplanes. “At the time, we thought that having a simple, one-step option for destroying the aircraft would streamline operations and provide convenience to pilots, but in hindsight, we now see that it probably wasn’t the best idea,” said Muilenburg, noting that in light of two crashes within the past year, the button to obliterate the now-grounded planes should have at the very least been labeled and located in an area that wasn’t directly on the pilot’s yoke. “After a lot of discussion, all Boeing executives agree that if we had to do it over again, we would have either omitted the destruction feature or included it as an optional upgrade. And even then, we probably should have added some sort of fail-safe against accidental activation, like a flip box over the button or an additional feature that would cancel the 10-second countdown, which we did not think to include.” Muilenburg added that the recent oversights had prompted the company to also remove the self-destruct buttons from first class seating in all Boeing jets after several passengers had mistaken them for the flight attendant call button.
Dark, Sinister Underbelly Of Small Suburban Town Turns Out To Just Be Heroin Again #~# LUCERNE, NH—Residents of a sleepy village in southern New Hampshire reported their dismay Monday after the recent ominous rise of a dark, sinister underbelly in their small suburban town turned out to just be heroin again. “Lately, there’s just been a real foreboding sense that all wasn’t right around here and that something terrible was going on below the surface, but it was just heroin like all the other times,” said Lucerne resident Earl Kempler, 53, explaining that his fellow denizens had believed that the recent spate of mysterious occurrences and odd behaviors could be part of a freaky cult or nefarious criminal plot before they discovered, to their disappointment, that a significant percentage of community members had simply started using heroin again. “It turns out the people sneaking around in the woods or going off to dark corners of the town in the middle of the night were just heroin users looking for a place to do heroin, and all the weird ways we’d heard folks speaking cryptically in hushed tones was only related to buying or using drugs. Personally, I was hoping that all the people disappearing and turning up dead days later in the creek or in abandoned houses at the edge of town were part of some crazy kidnapping ring or victims of a deranged murdering spree, but in reality they all just died from overdoses. They’re not even smuggling the heroin or anything—they’re just shooting up and dying.” Residents added that they were chagrined that of all the potential creeps and weirdos who could be causing problems, the only real sinister person in the town was the doctor who kept overprescribing people opioids and cutting them off after they’d become addicted.
Ignorant Man Who Has Learned Nothing From History Excited About ‘Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order’ #~# Looks like someone hasn’t been paying attention! Brett Winston, a deeply ignorant man who has apparently learned nothing from history, told friends this week that he’s excited about the upcoming Electronics Arts title Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order.
Nike Touts New Sports Bra With Latest Breast-Crushing Technology #~# BEAVERTON, OR—Claiming their new extra-supportive workout garment represents a huge step forward for women in athletics, Nike unveiled a new sports bra Tuesday showcasing the absolute latest in breast-crushing technology. “Our new state-of-the-art FlattenX sports bra guarantees that your breasts will be not only supported throughout your workout, but virtually obliterated as this landmark design smashes them into total submission,” a Nike press release read in part, also detailing the newly formulated poly-blend fabric engineered to essentially vacuum-seal the human breast to the ribcage, leaving women unencumbered and streamlining their physique for more efficient exercise. “From jogging and powerlifting to yoga and pilates, the FlattenX guarantees that the existence of your breasts will never again pose a threat to your workout. If you’ve been let down in the past by sports bras that stretch or sag after just a few wear cycles, don’t worry—the panelwork of Nike’s flagship sports bra ensures that any and all breasts remain painfully constricted for hours, forcing wearers to call the fire department to come cut you out of it with the Jaws of Life.” The press release also teased the upcoming release of the Bae Constrictor, a new line of organ-warping women’s leggings; the Footbinder Alpha, a slimming women’s running sock crafted from spun copper and silk; and the Nike BreezeChute, a loose-fitting and breathable new series of men’s shorts.
‘That’s It? What The Heck Was That?’ Says Dad In Scorched-Earth Review Of Movie You Suggested Family Watch Together #~# PHILADELPHIA—Exhaling and rolling his eyes in exasperation as the credits to Listen Up, Phillip rolled, your father said “That’s it? What the heck was that?” in remarks Monday constituting a scorched-earth capsule review of the movie you suggested your family watch together. “What exactly did you just show me? Is this the stuff you like? Do people actually watch this?” your dad asked in regard to the indie film about narcissistic Brooklyn novelists, expressing incredulity that you thought his love of Don DeLillo would endear him to “such a plotless piece of junk.” “I guess this is what passes for entertainment these days, but that was not my cup of tea. Now, The Bourne Identity, that was a good movie. Well-written. Great performances. This, though, this was just ridiculous. You should apologize to your mother for wasting two hours of her life.” After a hushed consultation with your mother, your father later amended his review by saying “After thinking about it, I can see why you thought it was interesting.”
Veteran Kind Of Surprised Killing All Those People Didn’t Give Him Even A Little PTSD #~# FORT WASHINGTON, PA—Expressing disbelief over how well he’s adjusted to civilian life, 33-year-old Marine Corps veteran Aaron Anunoby said Monday he was a little surprised that killing all those people during his years in Afghanistan didn’t leave him with even a mild case of post-traumatic stress disorder. “I always imagined I’d lie awake at night screaming from horrifying flashbacks, but nope—I sleep like a baby and actually feel pretty great,” said Anunoby, adding that his relationship with his wife and children “couldn’t be better” despite the strain his seven tours of duty put on his family relationships. “I kind of have to bite my tongue when I talk to the people I served with, ’cause I don’t want to rub it in their faces. I thought for sure I’d be haunted by the memory of shooting that kid who snuck up on us back in Kabul, but I’ve truthfully never felt more at peace. I’m totally fine whenever I hear fireworks, too. If anything, they make me nostalgic for my childhood.” Anunoby went on to state that he does experience occasional flashbacks, but only of the great times he and his buddies used to have hanging out and having fun in between never-ending pitched battles against the Taliban. 
Japan Bans Flying Drones While Drunk #~# Japan has passed a ban on flying drones while drunk, threatening to fine intoxicated drone users up to $3,000 and comparing operating drones after consuming alcohol to drunk driving. What do you think?
Every Picture On Man’s Tinder Clearly From Same Event Where He Dressed Up #~# NEW YORK—After realizing all six images featured the man sporting a gray blazer over a blue button-down, Tinder sources confirmed Monday that every picture on the dating profile of user Rajesh Jayaram was clearly taken at the same semi-formal event. “Jesus, he’s just wearing this floral-pattern shirt in every single one—the mirror selfie, the photo-booth picture, the shot of him dancing where everyone’s cheering him on,” said Tinder user Melissa Reilly, who realized that Jayaram had almost certainly pulled every picture from a wedding he recently attended. “Here, he’s talking to a few friends at a fancy dinner table, obviously in the same venue as this goofy one where he’s giving a girl bunny ears. Same decor, a lot of the same people in the background, all that. This guy really wanted to take full advantage of the one time he wore decent clothes and there was a photographer present. The guy’s shameless.” At press time, Reilly finally discovered one last picture in which the man’s ill-fitting T-shirt and shorts proved the photo wasn’t taken at the event.
Krill-Eating Whale Too Fucking Cowardly To Prey On Something Its Own Size #~# PACIFIC OCEAN—Noting that the “pathetic jerk” evidently couldn’t be bothered to engage in a fair fight, onlooking ocean life confirmed Monday that a local krill-eating humpback whale was too fucking cowardly to prey on something its own size. “Wow, real mature. Why don’t you go after something that weighs more than .08 ounces for once?” said a squid who wished to remain anonymous, expressing disgust at the whale’s insistence on preying on tiny crustaceans who “don’t stand a chance” against it. “Oh yeah, just go ahead and float through the water and suck down thousands of those tiny guys who you know can’t fight back. Guess you must feel pretty confident going after something that’s 0.00002% of your size. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go after a shark for once, you fucking pussy.” At press time, onlookers reportedly felt a deep sense of satisfaction after the whale was killed by a yacht speeding past at 16 knots. 
Federal Watchdog Recommends Removal Of Kellyanne Conway #~# Due to her violation of the Hatch Act by disparaging Democratic candidates, Kellyanne Conway should be removed from office, according to a recommendation by the Office of the Special Counsel, a federal watchdog agency. What do you think?
Huckabee Sanders Tells Colleagues She’s Taking Temporary Post As Google CEO Before Transitioning Into Full-Time Role As Sultan Of Brunei #~# WASHINGTON—Informing those in her professional life of her career plans, outgoing White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reportedly told colleagues Friday she would be serving for a time as CEO of Google before gradually taking on a permanent position as the sultan of Brunei. “It’s been the honor of my life to work in the White House, but I’m excited to lead a $750 billion company in Silicon Valley and begin my reign as one of the world’s last absolute monarchs,” said Huckabee Sanders, explaining she had reluctantly turned down offers to direct the next Star Wars film, design the 2024 Olympic stadium, and become the first person to set foot on Mars, in addition to a lucrative position as head of neurosurgery at the Mayo Clinic. “Saudi Arabia and Monaco were both pursuing me pretty hard with head of state jobs, and Uber’s been trying to recruit me for their top post for 19 years now, but those opportunities just didn’t have the work–life balance I was looking for. Believe me, it was a tough choice. I spent hours talking it over with my husbands George Clooney, Tom Brady, and Jason Aldean. While I’m excited to begin my next chapter, I’ll be taking some time off for myself first. So don’t be surprised if you see me this summer relief-pitching for the Dodgers or traversing the Congo Rainforest with my best friend, Cardi B!” Huckabee Sanders went on to state that she was currently busy reviewing designs for the awards display she will build in the Bruneian palace of Istana Nurul Iman to showcase her multiple Emmys, Pulitzers, and Nobel Peace Prizes.
How The American Diet Has Changed Over Time #~# The American diet, often criticized for its unhealthiness, has changed significantly over the course of the nation’s existence due to technological breakthroughs, scientific research, and lifestyle developments. The Onion takes a look at how the American diet has changed over time.
Blizzard Bringing Back Original ‘World Of Warcraft’ So Thousands Of Gamers Can Relive Most Depressing Era Of Their Lives #~# Get ready to hop in a time machine to 2006, WoW fans: Blizzard announced that they are bringing back the original World Of Warcraft so thousands of gamers can relive the most depressing era of their lives.
‘One Day This Will All Be Yours,’ Says Buzz Aldrin While Showing Great-Grandson Around Moon #~# MONTES APENNINUS, THE MOON—Gazing upon the stark beauty of the land, retired astronaut Buzz Aldrin announced “one day, this will all be yours” to his great-grandson Nathaniel Friday while taking him on a brief tour around the Moon. “From the Tycho Crater to the Oceanus Procellarum, this land is your birthright as an Aldrin,” said the second man to walk on the lone natural satellite of planet Earth, beaming proudly as he made a sweeping gesture towards the jagged mountains and half-shadowed craters that would one day belong to his anointed heir. “You’re too young to really understand what this means, I know, but you and your brothers, Ben and Archer, are the lunar scions, and you have been charged with safeguarding this place. My time on the Moon is limited, and soon, it will be your generation that must assume this great celestial responsibility. Care for it, cultivate it, and above all else, remember that it is no burden. Be good to the Moon, and the Moon will be good to you as it has been to me. I’m extremely proud of you, and I know I shall forever be at peace knowing that the airless, old, one-sixth-gravity Aldrin homestead is in good hands.” The Aldrin family is currently enmeshed in a long-running legal battle with a Texas development conglomerate with plans to turn the moon into a retirement community and golf resort.
Warriors Attribute Finals Loss To Durant’s Ruptured Achilles, Klay’s Torn ACL, Curry Being Hit By Bus Near End Of Game 6 #~# OAKLAND, CA—Reviewing the circumstances that led to their defeat by the Toronto Raptors in the NBA Finals, the Golden State Warriors attributed their series loss to forward Kevin Durant rupturing his Achilles, guard Klay Thompson tearing his ACL, and guard Steph Curry being hit by a bus near the end of game six. “No disrespect to Toronto, because they played a great series, but we can’t help thinking that [Kevon] Looney’s lingering chest injury, Draymond [Green] falling into that woodchipper early in game five, and Shaun [Livingston] getting harpooned and rupturing most of his internal organs played a role in our defeat,” said head coach Steve Kerr, adding that it was hard to keep the momentum going after a combine harvester ran over the entire bench in game five. “We don’t want to use our injuries as an excuse, but we just want to acknowledge that it’s really hard to craft strong lineups when you’re dealing with DeMarcus Cousins limping around after multiple on-court knife wounds, or when you lose a guy like [Andre] Iguadola, who was hobbled from the Oracle’s ceiling collapsing and crushing his legs. Plus, that bus ran over Curry so many times—tough when you lose your best shooter because all his fingers have been ripped off. It’s too bad we didn’t get to see what the Finals would’ve looked like without all our starters contracting hemlock poisoning and Andrew Bogut getting struck by lightning on three separate occasions.” Reporters’ final questions about the Warriors’ future were handled by assistant coach Mike Brown after Kerr fell into an open manhole in the Oracle Arena press room and owner Joe Lacob spontaneously combusted.
Report: Make It Stop #~# EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far and they would do almost anything for even a few glorious minutes of respite. “We’re on our hands and knees, pleading with you to make it all go away once and for all. What’s it going to take? Jesus Christ, just stop it! Stop it right now!” At press time, sources confirmed that they knew deep down it was never going to stop.
New Study Finds Humans Could Lose Vestigial Heads In Less Than 100 Years #~# DURHAM, NC—Shedding new light on the seemingly useless appendage, evolutionary biologists at Duke University published the results of a study this week in which they concluded that humans could lose their vestigial heads in less than 100 years. “We’re not exactly sure what purpose the head serves. Some say we need them to digest rocks, while others contend primitive man used them to smash things open, but there’s no consensus as to their function, yet all experts agree that we’ll soon be rid of them,” said lead researcher Dr. Dan McShea, who touted the ability to run faster as one of the many benefits of not being “burdened” by the misshapen secondary growth. “Heads were almost certainly integral at the onset of humanity, but now, they’re just useless. They’re frankly a gross deposit of cartilage, bone, and a surprisingly large cyst-like deposit of nerves. In other words, useless, from a biological standpoint, and they leave us incredibly vulnerable to decapitation. The humans of 200 years from now will be much better off without this pointless feature.” McShea cautioned the public against pursuing cosmetic cephalectomy surgery until the procedure has been proven safe. 
Man Annoyed At Being Mistaken For Employee Just Because He Driving Forklift Through Store #~# EPPING, NH—Expressing frustration over all the people approaching him asking for assistance, local man Dan McDermott was annoyed Friday at being repeatedly mistaken for an employee just because he was driving a forklift through his local Costco. “God, I’m just trying to mind my own business and transport crates of shampoo across the sales floor, and all these customers keep coming up to me and asking if I can help get something down from way up on the top of the shelves,” said McDermott, explaining how just because he’s operating the same brand of four-wheeled power truck that the staff members use doesn’t mean he’s an actual Costco employee. “Is it so hard to understand that I come here every week, drive my forklift around, and get chased by management? It’s like, I have no idea where the kitchen appliances are; I’m a customer too!” At press time, McDermott hated how everyone treats him like a criminal just because the police were escorting him out of the store for the third time this month.
DNC Committee Throws Bound Jay Inslee Onto Melting Iceberg Before Pushing Him Out To Sea #~# ANTARCTICA—Cackling as they stuffed a rag into the Democratic governor’s mouth and tied his hands behind his back, the DNC reportedly tossed a bound Jay Inslee onto a melting iceberg Friday and pushed him out to sea. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t my good friend Mr. Inslee! Tell me, sir, as a Democratic candidate—is this the type of climate debate you wanted?” said a grinning DNC chair Tom Perez as he looked at the blindfolded, gagged governor of Washington, placed a gun loaded with a single bullet at his feet, and kicked the rapidly shrinking piece of ice he was on into open waters. “Take it from me, Jay, those dear sharks and whales you want to save so badly? They’re not as nice as they look. If I had to guess, your campaign has two to three more hours, tops. So let’s just hope you can swim as well as you rally.” At press time, Inslee was seen breaking free from the thick ropes tied around his body, diving into the ocean, and swimming to shore surrounded by a pack of several loyal dolphins. 
Golfer Can Never Remember If He’s Matt Kuchar Or Brooks Koepka #~# PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Scouring the leaderboard to find a name that looked familiar, a professional golfer playing at the U.S. Open Friday admitted that he can never remember if he’s Matt Kuchar or Brooks Koekpa. “I know I’ve won the U.S. Open, so there’s a good chance I’m Koekpa, but I know Brooks is a Nike guy, and it looks like I’m wearing Under Armour, so that can’t be right,” said pro-golfer Jordan Spieth, who decided he might have actually been thinking of Matt Kuchar or Martin Kaymer or Adam Scott when he was trying to remember himself. “For a second I was like, ‘Oh, yeah I’m Dustin Johnson,’ but then I remembered he has a beard so that’s not it. I can’t speak Italian, so I’m definitely not [Francisco] Molinari. I swear there are so many of us that I always get tripped up, although I suppose it doesn’t really matter that much.” At press time, Spieth concluded that he was Justin Thomas and headed back over to the fairway to resume playing with Jordan Spieth.
Radiohead Releases 18 Hours Of Own ‘OK Computer’ Demos #~# After being threatened by a hacker who had stolen the audio files, Radiohead has released 18 hours of demos documenting the creation of classic album OK Computer in support of the climate fund Extinction Rebellion. What do you think?
Kellyanne Conway Decides To Lie Low Until Rule Of Law Dies Down #~# WASHINGTON—Following a special counsel recommendation that the White House counselor be fired for violating the Hatch Act, Kellyanne Conway reportedly decided Thursday to lay low until the rule of law dies down. “All I gotta do is keep a low profile and power through until the laws governing this country have no repercussions,” said Conway, who resolved to cool her heels in a Virginia safe house while waiting for anarchy to prevail and the system of justice to completely crumble. “As soon as the U.S. stops regulating the actions of its citizens and finally succumbs to chaos, I should be able to get away scot-free. Just have to hold out a little longer while the rules ordering society become completely meaningless. Then I can get back to business as usual.” At press time, Conway predicted America’s descent into a lawless wasteland would clear her within a week.
Zach Braff, Alyssa Milano Call Out Trump For Far More Effectively Pivoting To Politics To Save Floundering Career #~# LOS ANGELES—Publicly castigating the president for outstripping their own efforts, media luminaries including Zach Braff and Alyssa Milano held a press conference Thursday in which they criticized Donald Trump for his far superior ability to pivot to politics to save his floundering career. “It’s a national embarrassment that someone as bigoted and idiotic as Trump was able to parlay his flagging celebrity into such tremendous political success when our own attempts to do so have left us scooping up the crumbs,” said Milano, speaking on behalf of a coalition made up of Jon Cryer, Kathy Griffin, Michael Ian Black, and others that seeks to push back against the broken system that allowed Trump to rekindle his once-fading star. “Something is wrong when a washed-up, narcissistic reality TV star can become the most powerful man on earth and we’re still stuck on the bottom rung of the political-influence circuit, unable to recapture the fame of our early years. He saw the climate was conducive to building a personal brand around people’s outrage, and he did it way faster than any of us could. It’s sickening.” The assembled celebrities closed their remarks by urging those in attendance to act against “the gravest threat the country has ever faced” by following them on social media and checking out some of their anti-Trump rants.
Canada Bans Keeping Whales, Dolphins In Captivity #~# In a move being hailed by animal rights advocates, Canada’s Parliament passed legislation banning whales, dolphins, and porpoises from being bred or held in captivity. What do you think?
Report: U.S. Death Rates From Drugs, Suicide, And Alcohol Have Greatly Increased, But Not In A Cool Rock And Roll Way #~# WASHINGTON—Outlining an alarming trend in which record amounts of American deaths from substance abuse and self-harm aren’t even rooted in raising hell, a report by the Commonwealth Fund published Thursday revealed that U.S. death rates from drugs, suicide, and alcohol have greatly increased, but not in a cool rock and roll way. “Our research found that these drug overdoses and suicides, which were rarely the result of being the life of the party, are actually pretty grim and disturbing,” said lead researcher Dr. Emmett Hirsch, noting that though mortality rates from overdoses and suicides have never been higher, hardly any involved doing speedballs backstage and having a heart attack surrounded by half-naked groupies. “These deaths are just from routine addiction and depression, nothing badass that would make for a fascinating memoir or anything. These are not legendary partiers, but rather impoverished, lonely, largely forgotten Americans on the margins of society. Their overdoses and suicides seem to come from places of hopeless despair—not a single recorded death last year came from someone choking on their own vomit in a nightclub bathroom or crashing through a fourth-story hotel window into a pool below.” Hirsch was hopeful after his team uncovered the case of a man high on methamphetamines who screamed, “I’m gonna live forever!” before jumping into a 650-foot gorge at Yosemite National Park.
Sun Thought Pasty Fuck Learned His Lesson Last Summer #~# RICHMOND, VA—Admitting it didn’t expect to “see [him] so soon after the beating [his] pale ass took,” the sun expressed surprise Thursday upon discovering that pasty fuck Arnold Walden, 33, had apparently failed to learn his lesson from last summer. “Well, well, well. Look who brought his exposed, lily-white neck back for more,” said the 10,000-degree star, adding while Walden’s baseball cap and SPF-45 sunscreen were “cute,” the local man would need more than that to avoid the ass-whupping its intense ultraviolet rays had in store for his doughy complexion this time. “Don’t you remember what happened on Labor Day? Or is the tip of your nose just hungry for more, you freckled little shit? Fine, let’s do this. High in the 80s, clear skies, and an 8:30 sunset. I got all goddamn day. How about some fresh blisters on those ghost-white thighs?” At press time, reports confirmed a satisfied sun was confident Walden wouldn’t show his face again after it delivered a scorching that will eventually leave him with stage-3 melanoma.
Favorite Games We Got To Play At E3 2019 #~# We got our hands on some of the most must-play titles of the year at E3 2019. After a lengthy discussion, here are the OGN team’s favorite titles from our time playing on the convention floor.
Atlantic Records Sends Cease-And-Desist Order To Woman Using Lizzo’s ‘Juice’ As Her Personal Anthem #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying that the legal action should serve as a stern warning to all those who exploit the hard work of musicians, Atlantic Records sent an official cease-and-desist order Thursday to a local woman, 28-year-old Ana Sanchez, accused of using Lizzo’s single “Juice” as her personal anthem. “From her insistence on playing it on her headphones every time she enters work to her repeated use of the song in the background of her Instagram stories, this user has blatantly violated Lizzo’s intellectual property rights,” said Atlantic Records attorney Denise Ferguson of Sanchez’s “total disregard” for copyright laws by failing to pay the licensing fees required to claim a song as one’s personal anthem. “Miss Sanchez’s co-opting of this song for her personal brand is completely unacceptable. If she continues to play this song on the treadmill or while getting ready for a date, we will not hesitate to sue. To all those with the audacity to claim our client’s song as their own, hear us now: “Juice” is not, has never been, and will never be “your jam.” Ferguson went on to suggest that any woman looking for a personal anthem select “She’ll Be Coming ’Round The Mountain” or any of the other hundreds of songs currently in the public domain.
USDA Secretary Rings Nationwide Dinner Bell For Y’all To Get In Here #~# BONAIRE, GA—In an effort to summon all 325 million citizens in from the fields for supper time, USDA Secretary Sonny Perdue rang the nationwide dinner bell Wednesday evening right at 6 p.m. for y’all to get in here. “Hoo-ee, hoo-ee! Come on in! Get it while it’s hot!” shouted Perdue, making sure to ring it loud enough for all the nation’s citizenry who were playing outside to hear it so they could hurry along now before the food gets cold. “Up, up, up, take your shoes off before you come into your house, and wash those hands real good! I worked hard on this beef for y’all, and I won’t have you waiting until it gets cold. And I better not catch you trying to sneak any of that rhubarb pie before you’ve finished your plate!” At press time, Perdue was scolding tens of millions of Americans for not scrubbing under their nails before coming to the table.
Pence Visits Conversion Therapist For Routine Gay-Preventative Checkup #~# WASHINGTON—Sitting in the waiting area while ignoring the screams he heard emanating from the exam room, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly visited his conversion therapist Thursday for a routine gay-preventative checkup. “I feel completely heterosexual right now, but I still like to visit the doctor every six months or so to just to be safe,” said Pence, noting that he didn’t enjoy receiving electric shocks on his genitals while staring at photos of naked men, but it was worth it to ensure he didn’t come down with a case of full-blown gayness later on. “Maybe I’m a hypochondriac when it comes to contracting homosexuality, but I’m a busy guy and I’d rather have a spiritual intervention early on than risk missing work to recover from being attracted to men. Plus, now that it’s June it seems like everyone is gay so I need to be extra careful. I’m so lucky my insurance covers yearly gay-prevention appointments.” At press time, Pence was preparing to be lobotomized in an effort to fully immunize himself from dangerous homosexual thoughts.
Pence Defends Decision To Ban Flying Pride Flags At U.S. Embassies #~# Vice President Mike Pence defended the State Department’s recent choice to ban flying rainbow flags outside U.S. embassies in celebration of Pride Month, saying it was the right decision to solely mount the American flag in such spots. What do you think?
St. Louis Officials Encourage Celebrating Blues Fans To Just Burn City Down And Finally End This #~# ST. LOUIS—Saying that the city has had this coming for a long time and this moment was as good a time as any, St. Louis officials encouraged fans celebrating the Blues Stanley Cup victory Wednesday to just burn the city down and finally end everyone’s suffering. “To all the Blues fans out there who may be smashing windows or starting fires, all we can say is: Absolutely do that. We’ve dealt with this place for far too long, and we are ready for it to die,” said Mayor Lyda Krewson, who claimed the city was taking steps to aid any rioters by placing bins full of bricks, lighters, and baseball bats around the St. Louis along with idling bulldozers that any Blues fan could commandeer free of punishment. “Obviously, a lot of fans are going to be drunk, and we think that’s great. As long as you’re damaging property, the police aren’t going to bother you—in fact, they might even be ordered to help. Crash cars into buildings, tear apart bus stops, pull down the fucking Arch for all we care. It’s over. St. Louis isn’t worth it. We don’t give a shit anymore.” At press time, Mayor Krewson was seen greeting celebrating fans on the street before grabbing a trash can and smashing in the window of a liquor store.
Biggest Announcements Of E3 2019 #~# It’s been a stunning week of gaming reveals that we’re sure to be talking about for months to come, but OGN has somehow managed to pick out the cream of the crop. Here are the biggest announcements of E3 2019.
Hong Kong Swept With Protests #~# In defiance of an extradition law that many believe would allow mainland China to erode civil liberties, 1 million citizens swept into the streets of Hong Kong this week to protest. What do you think?
Area Pedestrian Obsessed With Crossing The Street #~# HOUSTON—Observing that the man in question used seven crosswalks at a minimum on any given day, local sources confirmed Wednesday local pedestrian Brian Jennings, 33, has become obsessed with crossing the street. “At the last intersection, he put a lot of time and effort, relatively speaking, into crossing a street east-to-west—yet he had just crossed an intersecting street in south-to-north direction literally moments before! Where does this sort of behavior end?” said onlookers regarding the pedestrian, whose unknown motives for street-crossing have led him to cross avenues, roads, lanes, walkways, and at times even alleys in a pattern of behavior some are coming to regard as disturbing. “It’s either part of some larger pedestrian plan that we’re only seeing in its broadest outlines or it’s some kind of sick addiction. Every day, the guy crosses 12 public byways before work, and that’s if he takes the most direct route to his place of employment. Then, for three to five hours, nothing. Under a thinly veiled pretense of getting lunch, he leaves the building and immediately walks to another intersection, waits for the light to change if necessary, and crosses, often in the company of other known pedestrians. And if you think that’s the last time he does so, I’m sorry, but you are simply deluding yourself. You should see the number of streets he crosses on his way home at night.” Sources speaking out on Jennings have asked to remain anonymous, noting that they live just a handful of street crossings away from the pedestrian. 
Deepfake Video Of Mark Zuckerberg Barely Good Enough To Masturbate To #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Able to derive only a limited amount of self-pleasure from the computer-generated image of Facebook’s founder and CEO, social media users confirmed Wednesday that a deepfake video of Mark Zuckerberg currently circulating online was just barely good enough to masturbate to. “The video isn’t terrible, and I was able to get hard, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was just off about it,” said local masturbator Glen McCurdy, 29, expressing cautious optimism that deepfakes will improve in the future to the point where there’s no uncanny valley between CGI representations of the billionaire entrepreneur and the real thing. “While I’m really intrigued by the idea of technology that can make Mark Zuckerberg do and say whatever I want, this video wasn’t quite there yet. At the very least, they could have put him on a shirtless body or something. I eventually managed to climax, but it took forever.” McCurdy later admitted, however, that the deepfake video provided results far superior to those achieved by his old method of manually photoshopping Mark Zuckerberg’s head onto the nude bodies of male models.
Long-Forgotten G4 Correspondent Still Producing Remote Segment On 2012 E3 #~# Among the dozens of video game journalists covering this year’s E3 was a, let’s just say surprising, face: Kevin Pereira, a long-forgotten G4 correspondent, was seen still producing a remote segment on 2012’s convention.
Panicking Taylor Swift Realizes It Too Late To Call Off Assassination After Katy Perry Makes Peace Offering #~# NEW YORK—Her hands shaking as she dialed several numbers written on a piece of paper in an effort to get in touch with the goons she had hired, a panicking Taylor Swift reportedly realized Wednesday that it was too late to call off the assassination of Katy Perry after her longtime rival made a peace offering. “Shit, shit, shit—Bruno, is that you? Call it off, call it off! Peacock! Peacock! Tell them not to shoot!” the 29-year-old pop star was heard to yell into her cell phone after seeing Perry’s Instagram post where her former enemy had tagged her and written “Peace At Last,” before being told by her contact, “I am sorry, Ms. Swift, but the die has been cast.” “Come on, please tell them I don’t need them anymore. What do you mean all the fail-safes are no longer possible? Look, I made a mistake. Things have changed, I don’t need her to die now. You’ll still get your money—I’ll double your fee! Please just don’t kill her.” At press time, Swift made a last-ditch attempt to forestall the assassination by frantically calling Perry to tell her not to sing “Swish Swish” at a concert, only to be told that Perry was already onstage and would start the song in five minutes. 
Hideo Kojima Teases What We Assume Is New ‘Death Stranding’ Info By Walking Around E3 Dressed As Triceratops And Waving A ‘Big, Brassy, And Beautiful’ Sign #~# Prepare for a mind-blowing experience, gamers, because we have something that is almost certainly big news coming out of E3. Apparently, Hideo Kojima has surprised everyone by showing up to the conference, and he’s teasing what we have to assume is new Death Stranding information by running around dressed as a triceratops and waving a “Big, Brassy, and Beautiful” sign.
Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname #~# SEATTLE—Pointing out the excessive use of thematic patterns in the assailant’s modus operandi, authorities told reporters Wednesday that the serial killer terrorizing the area was clearly gunning for the nickname the Parking Lot Butcher. “So far, the bodies have all been found wrapped in waxed paper and dumped in parking lots with a bloody butcher’s cleaver left at the scene, leading us to believe this guy is really desperate for the moniker,” said Seattle police chief Greg Novak, noting that the killer’s method of thinly slicing some of his victims or grinding up their flesh and combining the minced meat with herbs and spices and then stuffing it into casings made from the victim’s own intestines was extremely horrific and embarrassingly heavy-handed. “The obsessive attention to detail in placing a ticket number in the mouth of every victim and adorning the individual bodies with sprigs of parsley are all signs that we are dealing with a complete psychopath who is trying too hard. We were hoping to catch this monster before he went too over-the-top, but I am sad to report that a sixth body was found this morning skewered, grilled, and placed next to a side of potato salad.” At press time, authorities announced that they had arrested a suspect who the media was calling the Emerald City Overkiller.
‘Game Of Thrones’ Author Working On New Video Game #~# George R.R. Martin is collaborating with FromSoftware, the creators of the Dark Souls series, to write the story of Elden Ring, a new action-RPG set in a fantasy universe. What do you think?
American Museum Of Natural History Acquires Rare Third-Grader Separated From Group On Class Trip #~# NEW YORK—The American Museum of Natural History announced Wednesday the acquisition of Kyle, a unique specimen of a third-grade human male, who was discovered wandering the museum late Tuesday. “We are pleased to announce that we have acquired Kyle, an excellent example of a 9-year-old early-21st-century male human, who strayed away from his class a few days ago, only to enter our collection earlier this morning,” said museum director Elizabeth Hartford, noting that the 50-inch-tall child would be the centerpiece of interactive exhibits, focusing on Kyle’s lifestyle, habits, and the circumstances of how he became lost. “Curators first took an interest in Kyle when he lagged behind the other students in his group, somewhere near the T. rex exhibit. It didn’t take long to identify him due to adhesive tags bearing his name, which had been applied to his garments, but procuring a North American child is no easy feat due to the widespread use of personal communications devices and the implementation of the buddy system among students. We know from his tribal markings that he originated from P.S. 172 Beacon School of Excellence, and he has indicated to us several times that he misses the company of his parents, but other than that, surprisingly little is known about Kyle. We look forward to learning as much as we can.” Kyle is the first 9-year-old acquired by the museum since polar explorer Robert Peary donated Minik, an Inuk orphan child, to the collection in 1897. 
Pros And Cons Of Impeaching President Trump #~# Calls have grown for House Democrats to move forward with impeachment proceedings against President Trump in the wake of the Mueller report, leading to sharp divisions within the party and the American public. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching the president.
Evangelical Church Strips Away All The Frills And Pomp Of Catholic Molestation #~# TULLAHOMA, TN—Emphasizing a simpler, more plainspoken approach to sexually abusing minors, a local evangelical minister told reporters Tuesday his church peels away all the extravagance and ostentation historically associated with molestations in the Roman Catholic faith. “You don’t need all these elaborate costumes and rituals like the Catholics have. All those superficial trappings just distract from the pure, direct experience of intimate physical contact with a child,” said Pastor David Almdell of Crossroads Missionary Baptist Church, remarking that he pities Catholic priests, who he believes will never genuinely experience God’s grace flowing through them and the boy or girl they are assaulting. “As evangelicals, we’re trying to get back to what the church was like in its earliest days, before Christian molestation was corrupted by priests who cornered altar boys in the alcoves of opulent cathedrals and fondled them beneath luxuriant satin robes. The only thing that matters in our faith is the relationship between a Christian, his underage conquest, and God. That’s really what the Reformation was all about.” Almdell added that evangelical leaders pride themselves on their spiritual independence and would never let an ecclesiastical hierarchy based in Rome dictate how many children they can abuse.
Justice Department Turns Over Mueller Evidence To House #~# The Justice Department has agreed to provide Congress with key evidence collected by Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation connected to President Trump’s potential obstruction of justice. What do you think?
Santa Anita Park Officials Announce They Will Stop Allowing Bets On All Upcoming Horse Deaths #~# ARCADIA, CA—Following numerous complaints from lawmakers and animal rights groups, Santa Anita Park horse track officials announced Tuesday that they will immediately stop allowing bets on all upcoming horse deaths. “We have listened closely to your concerns, and that is why, as of now, we will no longer let spectators gamble hundreds of thousands of dollars on whether a horse will fall and shatter its leg in any given race,” read a statement from park owner The Stronach Group, admitting that the sight of hundreds of spectators screaming for the horses’ blood had created an expectation of violence that the park did not condone. “While the opportunity to place wagers on outcomes such as how many bones a horse will break and the amount of time between an excruciating accident and a terrifying death has been one of the major draws of Santa Anita, this will now be the exclusive province of off-track betting parlors.” The press release also confirmed that the new rules change would not affect the park’s popular Horse Demolition Derby event. 
Drooling Imbecile Rocks Back And Forth In Delight While Watching Arby’s Clap Back At Burger King On Twitter #~# DES MOINES, IA—Expressing glee with a series of yelps and shrieks, local drooling imbecile Andrew Gardner was giddily rocking back and forth in delight Tuesday while watching the official Arby’s account clap back at Burger King on Twitter. “Ahahahaha!!! Arby’s didn’t come to play! Epic burn!!!” said the over-stimulated dimwit, who was so unable to contain his joy after seeing that Arby’s had tagged Burger King in a picture of a dumpster with the caption “Loving the new @BurgerKing menu” that he excitedly stomped his feet and shit his pants. “They’re saying that Burger King is trash! Hahahaha!!! Yesss!!!! Oh my gosh. Me love Arby’s now!!!” Sources later confirmed that after Arby’s tweeted an image advertising their new Big Kahuna sandwich, the numbskull desperately tried licking the computer screen. 
E3 Now Selling ‘Con Funk’ Scented Candle For Gamers Who Want To Take Convention Experience Home With Them #~# With this year’s E3 nearly wrapping up, it’s safe to say some attendees are already getting nostalgic for the feelings of watching a week of jaw-dropping reveals and game demos. For those folks, the convention’s organizers just unveiled a must-have piece of swag: A “Con Funk”-scented candle that perfectly replicates the aroma of roaming the convention floor between mobs of sweaty, unshowered gamers.
Ruby Tuesday Goes Public With Request That Everyone Come On Down To Ruby Tuesday #~# MARYVILLE, TN—In an emergency press conference held to share the blockbuster announcement before it could be leaked to the media, casual dining chain Ruby Tuesday went public this morning with a formal request for everyone to come on down to Ruby Tuesday. “We are hereby distributing the plain and simple message to all Americans that they should come on down to Ruby Tuesday,” said Ruby Tuesday CEO Raymond Blanchette, who stressed that the company had not taken the decision to invite all 327 million Americans down to Ruby Tuesday lightly and that top management felt now was the time to issue a comprehensive summons. “After consulting with our highest executives, we find ourselves unified in our desire to see every man, woman, and child in this great nation come on down to Ruby Tuesday, where they shall receive two apps for the price of one. Honestly, this is the toughest decision I’ve been asked to make in my 30-year career. However, after much soul-searching, I implore every person, be they white or black; young or old; Christian, Muslim, or Jew, to come on down to Ruby Tuesday and try our 6-ounce Asiago Peppercorn Sirloin, and invite them to make it a combo by adding a half-rack of our fall-off-the-bone-tender baby back ribs. From sea to shining sea, let all people know they are welcome under our roof.” Blanchette then noted that Ruby Tuesday’s Happy Hour was fast approaching, and declared that all were welcome to come on down between 4:00 p.m. and 6:00 p.m. for half-price nachos and $3 traditional or fruit-flavored Ruby-Ritas.
Obamas Sign Podcast Deal With Spotify #~# Barack and Michelle Obama have signed a podcast deal to produce content for streaming giant Spotify, touting it as a chance to “foster productive dialogue, make people smile, and make people think.” What do you think?
FromSoftware Announces Partnership With Eric Carle For Game Set In World Of Very Hungry Caterpillars #~# One of the more exciting announcements from Microsoft’s E3 press conference was that developer FromSoftware has partnered with famed author Eric Carle for an epic new game titled The Hunger, which will take place in an expansive world of very hungry caterpillars.
DNC Criticized For Overly Restrictive Debate Rules Requiring Candidates Have At Least One Policy Position #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the oppressive rule would keep too many presidential hopefuls off the stage in Miami later this month, voters across the country criticized the Democratic National Committee Tuesday for requiring candidates to articulate at least one policy position before they can participate in debates. “It’s so unfair to disqualify people from these events just because they haven’t yet put forth any plans of any kind detailing how they would govern if elected,” Democratic voter Ted Nyland said of the new guideline, voicing a concern reportedly shared by many in his party that the DNC had gone too far in insisting candidates be able to present a coherent strategy for addressing a single one of the many problems the nation faces. “Do they really expect them to already have a bunch of clear ideas about what the next president of the United States will need to do in order to make progress on an issue? Some of these candidates are just going around the country trying to raise their profile and haven’t had a chance to really think things through yet. It’s almost as if the DNC is biased toward candidates who have a firm grasp of what they hope to accomplish.” At press time, party officials confirmed the new debate requirement would not apply to former vice president Joe Biden, who has committed himself to running a policy-free campaign.
E3 2019 Kicks Off #~# Video game fans and developers flocked to the industry’s largest convention this week for four days of tantalizing trailers, gameplay demonstrations, and previews of the next generation of consoles. What do you think?
Jimmy Carter Already Back To Elite Sumo Wrestling Circuit After Recovering From Hip Surgery #~# TOKYO—Triumphantly pounding his chest as he slammed his feet down in the ring for the first time in weeks, former U.S. president Jimmy Carter was reportedly back on the elite sumo wrestling circuit Monday, despite have undergone hip surgery less than a month ago. “It was tough for Jimmy to be away from the sport this long, so it’s been a huge relief to see him recover from his injury and get back into fighting form,” said Carter’s trainer, Daisuke Watanabe, expressing surprise at just how quickly the 94-year-old Nobel Peace Prize winner was able to throw his opponent out of the ring and improve his rank from sekiwake to ōzeki. “I know it hasn’t been easy for him to resume his old routine of strength training and consuming 20,000 calories per day, but he’s made absolutely remarkable progress. The fact that he’s getting used to a new prosthetic hip and can still muster the power to lift his opponent in the air and toss him off the dohyō is nothing short of amazing. It couldn’t have come at a better time, either, because the sport was really missing a lot in his absence.” After winning his match, sources reported the 39th president was seen lounging shirtless in the locker room sauna, sweating it out with several of his 500-pound rivals.
Study Finds White Meat Just As Bad As Red Meat #~# Contradicting the long-held belief on the relative healthiness of meats like poultry, a new study found that white meat raises an individual’s cholesterol just as rapidly as red meat. What do you think?
NBA Commentators Confirm Steve Kerr Not Enough Of An Insufferable Prick To Be Considered All-Time Great Coach #~# OAKLAND, CA—Calling it the ultimate measure of a professional basketball coach’s worth, NBA commentators confirmed Monday that Golden State Warriors head coach Steve Kerr was ultimately not enough of an insufferable prick to be really considered an all-time great coach. “Sure, Kerr’s had a few great seasons, but what’s really holding him back from true legendary status is that we can’t valorize his completely dehumanizing behavior toward players,” said analyst Chauncey Billups in an on-air discussion, contending that despite his years of success and admittedly impressive moments of mistreatment, Kerr still had “a long way to go” in terms of achieving a place in the pantheon of truly heartless, psychologically abusive NBA coaches. “It’s really a measure of an all-time great coach to see them belittling and screaming at their players like they’re children. You can’t truly be a leader without constantly flying off the rails in a frothing rage or publicly questioning people’s manhood at press conferences. Until we see that out of Kerr, it doesn’t matter how many rings they win.” Billups added that if Kerr truly wanted to be in the Hall of Fame, he would at least have to get himself fired for feuding with Steph Curry, and then try and make a comeback by coaching three sub-500 seasons with the Knicks.
Everything We Know About Xbox’s Project Scarlett #~# Microsoft unveiled its new Xbox console, Project Scarlett, at E3 this weekend, releasing many details about the next-gen gaming system. OGN provides insight into everything we know about Xbox’s Project Scarlett.
E3 Attendees Flee In Terror After Bethesda Presentation Glitch Causes Deathclaw To Spawn On Convention Floor #~# Wow, OGN readers, we’ve seen some rough E3 shows in the past, but it looks like Bethesda has taken the cake with a major technical breakdown during their Sunday evening presentation. Attendees actually ended up fleeing the L.A. Convention Center in droves after a glitch in the company’s presentation resulted in a high-level deathclaw spawning right on the conference’s main floor.
NASA Discovers Impact Crater Of Meteorite That First Brought Horses To Earth #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that the find will aid humanity in unraveling the origins of both our solar system and the mysterious equine species, NASA scientists working a dig site in Arizona have discovered the impact crater of the meteorite Friday that first brought horses to the earth. “According to carbon dating of reidite deposits found in hoofprints dotting the crater, the meteorite impact occurred in the early Cenozoic era, about 30 million years ago, bringing a herd of Equidae to our planet,” said NASA Administrator Jim Bridenstine, noting the findings go against the long-accepted theory that single-celled horses evolved on Earth and steadily developed into the quadrupedal domesticated mammals we know today. “Though we have yet to find fossilized oats, apples, or sugar cubes, it’s clear that the rocky body which fell here contained enough water to allow these primal ponies to survive in interplanetary space.” NASA also announced plans to investigate the possibility that present-day seahorses descended from microscopic equines on a meteorite that made earthfall in the Atlantic Ocean.
Couple Wouldn’t Have Stayed In Loveless Marriage If They Knew That’s How Kid Would Turn Out #~# PARIS, TX—Finally confronting their regret concerning their near-divorce decades earlier, married couple Leila and Tom Gerhart admitted Monday that they would not have continued their loveless marriage if they had known their son Harris, 21, would turn out the way he did. “We only stayed together for his sake, and this is how he repays us—by turning into a lazy slob who plays video games all day,” said Harris’s mother, explaining that she and her incompatible husband would have never bothered providing their son with a stable family unit if they had suspected Harris would drop out of community college to become a part-time cashier at a friend’s vape store. “We could have split up and stuck him with a decent child psychologist, and he would’ve turned out no worse than he is now. So many times we almost ended it for good, but we were worried it would screw up his personal growth. Man, he really played us.” The Gerharts are currently delaying their divorce until Harris gets his custom T-shirt business off the ground.
Pop Culture Site Powering Through 4 Weeks Of Sponsored Posts For Movie Its Film Critic Called ‘Contemptible Trash’ #~# AUSTIN—Gritting their teeth while grinding out yet another piece of sales-department-mandated branded content exploring the film’s mythology, the writing staff of pop culture website Screen-On Time struggled to retain their composure, if not their professional dignity, while powering through four weeks of sponsored posts for a movie its own film critic called “contemptible trash” in his review last week. “It’s with a tinge of sadness and a considerable amount of contempt that I must confirm what any reasonably intelligent viewer already suspects: One of the summer’s most anticipated blockbusters has absolutely no redeeming value other than the potential sale of action figures,” reviewer Aaron Park said in his two-star panning of the film, which is currently the only advertisement on the website’s homepage, where readers are greeted with an interactive full-frame website-takeover treatment complete with an autoplaying pop-up movie trailer and links to a series of sponsored posts Park edited to “keep the lights on” after a tense hour-long all-hands staff meeting. “Loud, belligerent, and completely incomprehensible to anyone who isn’t a devotee of the franchise, this superhero fantasy is equal parts overbearing and utterly forgettable,” Park’s review read in part, underneath banner ads touting the film as a  “mind-blowing thrill ride you won’t want to miss.” At press time, Park was begging his editors to remove an addendum to his review informing readers of a contest to win free tickets to a screening. 
Man Can’t Help But Think He Played Small Part In Female Coworker’s Success By Not Actively Sabotaging Her Career #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Beaming with pride as he recalled the support he gave coworker Laura Wolff when he refrained from taking full credit for a joint project, advertising copywriter Ken Appleby said Monday he sincerely believes his non-undermining behavior contributed significantly to the female colleague’s success. “New hires always need a support system, and I’d like to think I was Laura’s when she started here because I generally kept my distance and didn’t hinder her progress on purpose, at least as far as I can remember,” said Appleby, recalling that he actively chose not to upstage Wolff in meetings, and instead greeting the ideas she pitched with the empty silence they needed in order to spread their wings and fly. “A lot of men are threatened by women in the workplace, but I don’t think it’s a stretch to say I go the extra mile by not talking over women—I don’t even acknowledge that they’re talking at all half the time. And I never once protested, or even commented at all one way or another, when Laura got that promotion.” Appleby expressed frustration that his female coworker has been “somewhat of an ingrate,” never once thanking him for all his help.
Bethesda E3 Presentation Reveals They Worked Really Hard On ‘Fallout 76’ So Maybe Everyone Should Stop Being Mean And Give It Another Shot #~# Expectations were sky-high heading into Bethesda’s E3 presentation on Sunday. What new information would we get about Doom Eternal? Maybe they would even tease some information about Starfield? But fans in attendance were stunned after Bethesda producer Todd Howard spent the full hour talking about how they worked really hard on Fallout 76 and how it would be nice if everyone stopped insulting them and gave the game another shot.
NASA Administrator Announces He Will Open His Body Up To Sexual Tourism #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to broaden access to an “awe-inspiring” adventure very few have ever undertaken, NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine introduced a new policy Friday that will allow his body to be used for sexual tourism. “I am excited to announce that for only $35,000 a night, private sex tourists will be able to experience me in all of my breathtaking grandeur,” said Bridenstine, explaining that tourists will be required to pass an intense physical examination to ensure they are up to the rigors they will undoubtedly encounter on their journey, during which he predicted they will be “pulling a lot of G’s.” “This is a very special, life-changing opportunity to explore my body firsthand, and I hope as many people as we can accommodate will choose to take advantage of it. No longer will this be a privilege extended only to astronauts and scientists.” Bridenstine went on to promise potential customers that while the experience is likely to be so profound it will change the way they see the world, NASA will be unable to provide refunds to those left unsatisfied.
World Marks 75th Anniversary Of D-Day #~# The world marked the 75th anniversary of D-Day this week with a ceremony at Normandy beach and speeches from world leaders commemorating the sacrifice of veterans. What do you think?
6-Year-Old Hoping It’s Not Too Late To Shift Career Path From Astronaut To Firefighter #~# BUFFALO, NY—Expressing concern that his true calling isn’t flying a big rocket ship to Mars, local 6-year-old Kevin Trainor told reporters Friday he hopes it’s not too late to shift career paths from astronaut to firefighter. “My real passion is making the fire truck’s siren go ‘Woo woo,’ but I’ve spent half my life reading picture books about the planets and making drawings of Moon aliens,” said Trainor, adding that he doesn’t want to be stuck with a dead-end job like NASA astronaut because of a decision he made when he was only four. “Everything changed when I saw a man lift the big hose and spray a house that got caughted [sic] on fire. Something clicked in my head that day. I realized, ‘I wanna make scary fire go away, too.’ Oh, God, how do I tell Mommy? How do I tell the friends I do pretend space fights with? I already gave up zookeeper and being Batman—I can’t fathom going through it again. I’m coming up on six-and-three-quarters. I’m not that young anymore.” At press time, Trainor resolved to be a firefighter-astronaut.
U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Handing Out Flyers To Advertise World Cup Tournament #~# NEW YORK—As they stood on the corners of several busy intersections, members of the U.S. women’s national soccer team reportedly handed out flyers Friday to advertise their participation in the FIFA World Cup tournament, letting passersby know they would really appreciate everyone’s support. “It’s going to be pretty cool. We get to go to France and represent our entire country. We’re even favored to win,” forward Alex Morgan said to a pedestrian who crossed the street to avoid the Olympic gold medalist while her teammates taped several of the handmade flyers to telephone poles and asked local business owners to post them in their shop windows. “We’re playing Thailand on Tuesday, and it’s going to be on TV, so check it out. If you enjoy the match, we hope you’ll consider making a donation to our new-uniform fund. It would really up our game to trade in the men’s team’s hand-me-downs we’ve been wearing and get some shin guards that fit.” At press time, sources confirmed members of the defending Women’s World Cup champions were disheartened after passing several trash cans filled with the leaflets they had just distributed.
KitchenAid Announces It Will Lift Ban On Selling Mixers To Unwed Women #~# BENTON HARBOR, MI—Acknowledging a shift in prevailing cultural attitudes, KitchenAid announced Friday it would no longer prohibit sales of its flagship product, the stand mixer, to women who are not married. “We recognize that in today’s world, many women who bake may also wish to remain single, which is why we’re pleased to announce that, effective immediately, we will cease requiring female customers to produce a marriage license or proof of bridal registry when buying a KitchenAid mixer,” said company representative Helen Scharf, adding that for the first time, women would also be allowed to purchase the brand’s products without the presence or permission of a husband or guardian. “We’ve always considered ourselves a family company, but with more lifestyle choices available to women than ever before, we believe the time has come to extend the benefits of properly sifted flour and well-kneaded dough to all, regardless of whether they identify as spinsters, old maids, or even harlots. It is of course our hope that women ultimately decide to use our products to attract a man by making baked goods and other delicious treats for him.” Despite these changes, Scharf confirmed KitchenAid would continue its longstanding policy of voiding the lifetime warranty on any product owned by a divorced woman.
Couple Tired Of Always Having Same Knife Fight #~# BOSTON—Expressing frustration after finding themselves in the same old predictable dispute again, local couple Melanie Kinsey and Derrick Alterman admitted Friday that they were growing tired of always having the same knife fight. “More often than not, I’ll be tired and irritable and take a few little swipes at her here and there, and then she gets defensive and just lashes out at me—which I understand, but I don’t know if it’s proportional to bring up stuff I did before we were dating, or to use a machete,” said Alterman, adding that on occasions when alcohol is involved, the altercations have been known to escalate brutality to the point where neighbors have called the police. “Sure, on the surface, it’s just a little knife-fight about dishes someone—okay, that I left in the sink tonight, but really we both know what the underlying knife-fight is really about. Plus, Melanie really knows my most vulnerable spots, and she always goes for them first. We both know exactly how to hurt each other. Frankly, I’m exhausted from all this.” Kinsey, for her part, said she fears the couple may keep rehashing this same knife fight until one of them finally leaves and comes back with an axe.
Saudi Arabia Feeling Skittish About Doing Business With Autocratic Tyrant Vince McMahon #~# JEDDAH, SAUDI ARABIA—Expressing trepidation about hosting WWE’s Super ShowDown event in light of countless human rights abuses perpetrated by the wrestling company’s divisive owner, Saudi Arabia was feeling skittish Friday about doing business with autocratic tyrant Vince McMahon. “There’s a lot of money to be made here, but it’s hard not to feel gross dealing with someone like Vince McMahon. We don’t really want to be affiliated with someone who has so ruthlessly hurt hundreds of people,” said Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, referring to McMahon as a “megalomaniac” who is completely out of touch with reality and who routinely betrays his most loyal followers. “Business is business, but there’s a lot of questionable behavior associated with the McMahon name, and we don’t want him to sully the name of Saudi Arabia. The whole family has been a human-rights disaster since his father Vince McMahon Sr. came to power. His treatment of women and ethnic minorities over the last four decades has been flat-out dehumanizing, and he never even tries to improve his organizations. He just keeps covering up his actions with lies and denials.” At press time, bin Salman said he was “seriously considering” backing out his deal with McMahon after watching a harrowing documentary about Bret Hart and the Montreal Screwjob.
Bored 4-Year-Old Mixes Things Up By Watching Movie She’s Only Seen 97 Times #~# FARMINGTON HILLS, MI—Remarking that she’d felt stuck in a rut ever since re-binging Paw Patrol, bored 4-year-old Mia Neimark decided to mix things up Friday by watching a movie she’s only seen 97 times before. “At first, I was like, nah, I’ll just watch my butterfly show again, but then I remembered—I haven’t seen the Trolls movie in two whole days,” said Neimark, who momentarily paused to look at the Gnome Alone icon on Netflix before deciding that she wanted to engage with something “a little more challenging.” “Sure, a part of me wants to lie down on the couch and zone out to Hotel Transylvania 2 or Moana, but after you’ve seen those movies every day for a year, you just crave something new. With Trolls, I dunno! It’s just fun to be surprised sometimes because, at this point, I only have half the words memorized.” At press time, Neimark could be seen mouthing along with the final lines of the film, applauding, and then pressing “replay” for the 98th time.
Nepal Considering Changing Everest Rules #~# After a rash of deaths caused by congestion and inexperience at the mountain’s summit, Nepalese authorities say they are examining changes to the rules for who gets to climb Mount Everest. What do you think?
What To Know About The Recent ‘UFO’ Sightings #~# Over the past several years, U.S. military members are among those reporting sightings of unexplained flying objects, and while the subject has long been subject to much controversy and ridicule, more experts are acknowledging that something strange is going on. The Onion provides answers to questions about the recent UFO sightings.
YouTube Updates Policy To Ban Supremacists And Hoax Video Users #~# YouTube announced this week that it would update its hate speech policy to ban users denying the Holocaust and Sandy Hook, as well as those advocating for a supremacist worldview. What do you think?
Community That Came Together To Pay For Kid’s Cancer Treatment Goes Bankrupt Too #~# CHESTER, PA—Expressing feelings of despair over their current predicament, a local community that came together to pay for 5-year-old Dylan Fanelli’s cancer treatment went bankrupt in the process, neighborhood sources confirmed Thursday. “When we heard Dylan’s insurance wouldn’t cover his chemotherapy, we all rallied to help him out, but unfortunately, we lost everything in the process and I’m up to my neck in past-due bills,” said community organizer James Rowan, who started a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for Dylan and subsequently for all 1,300 residents of his neighborhood after they sank deeper into debt. “We’re all upside down on our mortgage payments and the hospital isn’t giving an inch. The kid’s family is still hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, too—at least that’s what his dad said when I asked him for some of my money back.” At press time, a frantic Rowan expressed concerns that a lump on his throat might be a stress-induced tumor. 
Man Wastes No Time Masturbating While Roommate Gone For Weekend #~# PITTSBURGH, PA—Frantically removing his pants while simultaneously shouting “See ya Monday!” through his bedroom door, local man Tyler Mackey wasted absolutely no time masturbating directly after his roommate left to spend the weekend out of town. Upon hearing the door close and the key withdraw from the lock, Mackey waited roughly 15 seconds, called out “Hello?” multiple times, pleased with himself that he was alone in the shared apartment, unpaused a PornHub video titled “Busty Amateur Seduced By Best Friend,” and proceeded to satisfy himself sexually. Kemph, who left the shared apartment for his parent’s house in Philadelphia at 6:00 p.m., was and remains unaware that Mackey was nude from the waist down on their living room couch, penis in hand, by 6:01 p.m.; nor was Kemph aware that the fully erect 28-year-old, entirely unencumbered by the fear of intrusion, would spend the next 48 hours in a state of continual erotic self-stimulation. According to sources attempting to interact with Mackey, the opportunistic masturbator ignored 17 text messages, four phone calls from two different individuals, and two emails, allowing him to bring himself to a state of climax four separate times. Mackey’s plans for the weekend include enjoying the rare luxury of watching pornography with the sound on, pausing only to use the bathroom, acquiring a second tissue box, and eating a hurried meal of microwavable ramen noodles chosen specifically for their one-minute prep time. While Mackey is not currently in a relationship, women who have been romantically involved with him confess the 28-year-old may have learned the technique of waiting for complete solitude before pursuing sexual release from them.
Highlights Of President Trump’s Trip To The U.K. #~# President Donald Trump traveled to the United Kingdom this week for a three-day official trip that caused no small share of controversy. The Onion looks at the highlights of the president’s U.K. trip.
Agent Asks Failing Actor If He’s Considered Becoming Alt-Right Commentator #~# LOS ANGELES—Stressing that the career move had done wonders for his other clients, agent Brendon Lourde asked struggling actor Greg Hartley Thursday if he has ever considered getting into some alt-right commentary. “To be honest with you, I’ve been getting a ton of hard passes on the booking front, but I think there’s some real demand for a middle-aged performer like you to start up a podcast where you, say, tear into political correctness while chatting with a few guests from the alt-right sphere,” said Lourde, stressing that he was just spitballing, but that addressing even one or two tweets to the men’s rights movement would drive Hartley’s following through the roof, which would pave the way for some “great synergy” with a comedy special appearing exclusively on Vimeo where he touched on realizing the greatness of Western Civilization after being red-pilled. “Sure, you might be a little squeamish about claiming shooting victims are crisis actors now. I get that. All I’m saying is that auditions dry up real fast for a guy around your age, and another client of mine made $50,000 last week just from selling shirts that said ‘No Homo’ over a shot of him flipping off a gay pride march. Obviously, the choice is up to you, though.” At press time, the Hartley Files podcast had received 5 million viewers for a multi-hour episode in which its host sat down with Alex Jones.
Elizabeth Warren Spends Evenings Tutoring Underperforming Candidates On Creating Comprehensive Policy #~# AMES, IA—Hoping to give them the tools they will need to succeed in the 2020 election, White House hopeful Elizabeth Warren has been spending her evenings tutoring underperforming presidential candidates on how to craft comprehensive policy proposals, sources reported Thursday. “Given my expertise in this area, I think it’s important to reach out to candidates who have fallen behind when it comes to putting together a plan that will take the country where it needs to go,” said the Massachusetts senator who tutors Pete Buttigieg, John Hickenlooper, Julián Castro, and others each week, allowing them to submit ideas on issues from climate change to gun control so she can evaluate and give notes on their work. “It’s only a couple hours a week out of my campaign schedule, and I believe it’s my duty to help candidates who can’t help themselves. Some of them, like Beto or de Blasio, may never get it, but if I can reach even one of them, I’ll know I’ve done my job. It’s my way of giving back.” At press time, Warren had reportedly been forced to pull Joe Biden aside and lecture him after she discovered he was simply copying from the other candidates.
Media Urged Not To Release Names Of Any More Presidential Candidates In Effort To Prevent Copycats #~# WASHINGTON—Warning that the promise of publicity and notoriety is often exactly what motivates a run for the White House in the first place, media ethics groups called on news outlets Thursday to stop releasing the names of presidential candidates, part of an effort to stem the tide of copycats. “When a person launches a bid for president and then receives widespread media coverage, it only inspires other unstable individuals out there to do the exact same thing,” said media ethicist Payton Howard, who recommended reporters continue to cover announcements of candidacy when they have news value, but avoid naming the person campaigning for the presidency. “These announcements have been happening nearly every week, often accompanied by some sort of policy proposal that has been written in an attempt to justify the action. But when those ideas get repeated in the media, they can inspire a whole new crop of imitators who seek the attention that comes from a presidential campaign. It is irresponsible to make celebrities out of these people. They are clearly very sick.” At press time, it appeared the new media strategy failed when former New Orleans mayor Mitch Landrieu announced he was running for president. 
Sony Reveals PlayStation 5 Will Feature Fully Functioning Breakfast Sandwich Maker #~# In the latest tantalizing peek at the next-gen hardware, Sony just revealed their upcoming PS5 will feature a fully functional breakfast sandwich maker. Clearly, this is Sony going all-in on the promise of a future where gamers can seamlessly transition from gaming to enjoying a perfectly made egg sandwich.
Trump Vows Tariffs Against Mexico #~# Despite fears of upsetting trade and destabilizing the economy, President Trump announced plans to impose tariffs on Mexican goods imported into the U.S. as part of his effort to stem immigration across the southern border. What do you think?
Maze With Cheese In Center Enters Human Trials Following Decades Of Testing On Mice #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Announcing that extensive testing on lower-order rodents has proven the behavioral puzzle fit for general use, a group of Harvard University psychologists who have spent their careers developing a maze with cheese in the center have announced that they have entered human trials following decades of testing on mice. “After thousands of rounds of animal testing going back to the early 1950s, I speak for everyone at Harvard when I say we are overjoyed to have finally reached our end-stage testing goal: placing full-sized adult humans in a labyrinth and forcing them to seek out cheese,” said project lead Dr. Drew Koepka, who displayed a proof-of-concept sketch of a four-square-mile maze featuring much higher walls, wider passages, and a significantly larger central cheese portion. “We can say with absolute certainty that fewer than one mouse in a dozen experienced any adverse effects whatsoever, and we’re confident that scaling up the project will pose little difficulty. Finally, we’re ready to answer long-standing questions regarding the human sense of direction and its relationship to cheese-seeking behavior.” Harvard has already begun offering applicants $125 for a three-day maze stay with a potential bonus of all the cheese they can eat.
Dedicated Warriors Fan Contends He Was Obnoxious Asshole Long Before Team Got Good #~# OAKLAND, CA—Bragging that he had been committed to this far longer than all the front-runners, longtime Golden State Warriors fan Marcus McBain insisted to reporters Wednesday that he was an obnoxious asshole long before the team got good. “So many people act like hardcore Warriors fans just appeared when they started winning, but I’ve been dedicated to being a huge, annoying douchebag for over 20 years,” contended McBain, glowing with pride as he described the many long, thankless years he spent as a rude, abhorrent jerk before his favorite NBA team eventually found consistent success. “It takes real dedication to be loudly, obnoxiously obsessed with a team that isn’t even doing that well. It was tough back in the 2000s when they were pretty hopeless, but even then, I’d be there at games trying my best to scream at players, argue with the refs, and generally ruin the night of everyone around me. I’m proud to say I’m not some bandwagon asshole; I was always a fucking prick about the Warriors, I just get to enjoy it more now.” McBain went on to vow that he would always remain a die-hard irritating piece of shit no matter what setbacks the team might face in the future.
World Commemorates Tiananmen Square Protest 30th Anniversary #~# Thirty years after the pro-democracy uprising, the world commemorated the Tiananmen Square protest movement amidst the Chinese government’s censorship of the event’s history. What do you think?
‘Hold Still,’ Says Eric Trump Swinging Sword At Don Jr. Trapped Inside Knight’s Armor #~# LONDON—Concentrating as he lined up the 19th-century saber against the plate mail cutting off his brother’s breathing, Eric Trump reportedly shouted, “Hold still!” Wednesday before swinging a sword at the knight’s armor Don Jr. was trapped inside at Buckingham Palace.“Okay, on a count of three, I’m gonna whack you with this sword and chop the armor off so then you’ll be free—quick, before the guards come,” said Eric to his panicking, hyperventilating brother, raising the sword following several failed attempts to pry Don Jr. from the armor he’d gotten stuck inside after the two snuck away from a palace tour to knight each other. “Stop saying you’re gonna die in there—and don’t pee, whatever you do, otherwise the armor will rust and you’ll be stuck inside forever and ever. Since they haven’t invented WD40 over here yet, I’m putting in another stick a butter to make it extra slippery. Hold your breath so I can cut you free with this old knife, otherwise I might cut you in half and we’ll have to go to the knight hospital. Ready?” At press time, Eric had abandoned his brother after hearing a palace employee announce it was time for dinner.
Paranoid Chinese Government Erases All Evidence Of Country’s Existence From Internet #~# BEIJING—In an effort to completely stamp out any possibility of political unrest, officials within the Chinese government have scrubbed from the internet all evidence that might suggest their nation exists, according to a highly classified internal report obtained by reporters Wednesday. “To ensure the safety of our citizens, we have removed all written and visual representations of China, its history, and its people from the web forever,” the report read in part, suggesting the government would look “terrible” if any information about the country were to reach the Chinese public, and thus the best course of action would be to permanently delete all mentions of the 4,000-year-old civilization. “Going forward, all internet searches for China will simply redirect to Korea, and our online encyclopedia articles will be revised to indicate that when Marco Polo reached the eastern edge of Central Asia, there was nothing else to see so he turned around and went home. In addition, Google Maps has agreed to replace our territory with a 9.6-square-kilometer bay that extends westward from the Pacific Ocean to the coast of Tajikistan.” Asked for comment during a White House press briefing, President Trump praised China’s Xi Jinping as a strong leader and suggested American news outlets could learn a lot from the Asian nation’s state-run media.
Most Significant Trade Wars In U.S. History #~# President Trump’s newly implemented tariffs against China have escalated the trade war between the two countries, continuing a long history of American trade conflicts with wide-ranging consequences. The Onion looks back at the most significant trade wars in U.S. history.
Tim Cook Torn Limb From Limb By Mob Of Moms Demanding To Know Whether iTunes Gift Cards Still Active #~# CUPERTINO—Holding their receipts aloft as they seized the tech executive, a mob of irate mothers reportedly tore Apple CEO Tim Cook limb from limb Wednesday, demanding to know whether their iTunes gift cards would still be active after the app shut down. “Mr. Cook! Mr. Cook! What about our hard-earned money? My son still has $12.99 on a gift card I bought him for Christmas of 2016. Does that just go down the drain?” said a wild-eyed 45-year-old woman as hundreds of fellow mothers simultaneously tugged, yanked, and pulled on the Apple CEO’s arms and legs until they eventually broke and were ripped clean off. “Please! I just bought a three-pack of gift cards from Costco for emergency birthday gifts. And my husband has $100 on his iTunes account that I told him to use on movies, but he never did. Mr. Cook, I’m begging you! You already took my money, don’t make me take any of yours.” At press time, Tim Cook’s headless torso was discovered floating in a nearby reservoir, stuffed to the brim with iTunes gift cards. 
Andrew McCutchen Embarrassed He Somehow Hurt Himself Playing Baseball #~# PHILADELPHIA—Trying desperately to come up with a less emasculating explanation for the injury, Andrew McCutchen admitted Wednesday that he was too embarrassed to tell everyone that he actually got hurt playing baseball. “God, this is humiliating. How do you get hurt just running around a stupid baseball diamond? There is no way I’m going to live this down,” said the Phillies outfielder, confiding that he told his neighbors he fell off a ladder while cleaning his gutters rather than admit the truth that he managed to tear his ACL in a sport with minimal movement and almost no physical contact. “It’s not like I was diving for a catch or collided with a catcher while trying to dive into home. Half these guys have pot-bellies and they don’t get hurt. I was so embarrassed at first I told the doctor I slipped on a spill in the locker room. Even that’s tougher than getting hurt playing fucking baseball.” At press time, McCutchen had retreated to the locker room after being bullied by his fellow teammates for his pathetic injury.
Everything We Know About ‘Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare’ #~# With a hot new trailer teasing a fresh take on the series, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare has suddenly jumped up on every shooter fan’s must-have list. Here’s what we know so far about the reimagining of the iconic franchise.
Apple Shutting Down iTunes #~# After nearly two decades of the iconic music software, Apple will shut down iTunes to break it into several refreshed apps for music, movies, TV, and podcasts. What do you think? 
Market Rallies After Fed Chief Shows Off Huge Wad Of Cash #~# NEW YORK—As the S&P advanced 0.9% the moment awestruck investors saw all the bills spread out in a dramatic fan, financial experts confirmed that the U.S. stock market rallied significantly Wednesday following the Federal Reserve chairman Jay Powell’s flamboyant display of a huge wad of cash. “Holy shit is that a fat stack, and all hundreds, too. Okay, this Fed chief guy must be loaded,” hedge fund manager Soren Westerman said as a self-assured Powell threw the roll of bills on a nearby Wall Street table, producing a deep thud so impressive the DOW rose 120 points in late trading and the Nasdaq Composite notched another 1.2%. “I mean, damn, if the chief of the Fed is throwing around hundy stacks like they’re nothing, the Fed itself has got to be doing well. Otherwise, why would he act like cash means nothing to him?” Prominent economists, however, have cautioned investors that Mr. Powell may have been pulling a fast one on everyone by putting his big bills on the outside.
Therapist Who Spent Decade Working With Sex-Trafficking Survivors Urges Client To Go On About How Boss Is Sometimes Too Curt #~# CHICAGO—Encouraging her patient to really explore the various annoyances of workplace culture, therapist Dr. Brittany Mendoza, who wrote her doctoral thesis on the long-term effects of trauma on survivors of sex trafficking and has worked with survivors for over a decade, spent almost an hour Wednesday urging client Max Palin to elaborate on how his boss can sometimes be “too curt.” “Your account of this interaction is rather interesting, Max. Would you mind telling me a little more about your feelings when you read your boss’s overly critical emails?” asked Mendoza, whose professional life for years was concerned with the mental health of shell-shocked women who had been enslaved to the Belarusian mob for decades, as she called on her extensive firsthand experience with psychosexual trauma to assist Palin in finding the inner resources to cope with his boss making condescending remarks and failing to notice his hard work.  “So, you’re saying his tone is bad? That can be really tough. It’s very, very hard when people are passive-aggressive in a professional environment.” Mendoza recommended Palin try a stress-reducing breathing technique first developed to abate night terrors in the children who survived the Rwandan genocide.
Cleveland Indians Game Delayed As Slider Goes Into Labor On Field #~# CLEVELAND—Halting play and rushing team doctors on field after the mascot reported feeling painful contractions, the Cleveland Indians were forced to delay a game Tuesday after Slider began to go into labor on the field. “After we saw this purple viscous puddle on the grass, we realized Slider’s water had broken. We thought there would be time to rush to the hospital, but it soon became clear that Slider’s baby wasn’t going to wait,” said Indians spokesperson Holly Perez, adding that the initial panic followed by stunned silence as the onlooking fans watched the Indians first base coach lay Slider down on the field and provide comfort while doctors rushed out blankets and equipment. “We knew Slider was due to give birth soon, but this little miracle ended up coming almost a week ahead of schedule. Despite the stress, it was beautiful to watch the team come together, with Zach Plesac holding Slider’s hand and Terry [Francona] encouraging Slider to push. We’re so excited to welcome Slider’s new baby, Brandon Michael, to the Cleveland Indians family.” Perez also confirmed that Slider would be absent for the rest of the regular season for maternity leave.
Trump Arrives For U.K. State Visit #~# In a visit that will encompass a royal visit with the Queen, a diplomatic banquet, and a wave of planned protests, President Trump arrived in the U.K. for a state visit this week. What do you think?
Last-Ditch Climate Change Report Provides Locations Of Weapons, Current Whereabouts Of Oil Executives #~# NEW YORK—In a desperate, perhaps final attempt to prevent the earth’s temperatures from rising to catastrophic levels, a last-ditch climate change report issued Tuesday by the U.N. includes nothing more than the whereabouts of top oil executives and directions to secret weapons caches. “For decades, we have failed in our efforts to spur action by describing in rigorous scientific detail the ways in which global warming will cause widespread misery for billions of innocent people, and so this time we have taken a different approach,” read the report, a 500-page directory that simply lists the names and addresses of key players in the fossil fuel industry, along with the precise coordinates of several bunkers containing extensive stockpiles of firearms without serial numbers. “We have provided the security codes necessary to bypass the gates of each oil executive’s mansion so that their homes may be entered at night and they may be murdered in their sleep. An appendix is included with instructions on how to bash in a skull with a hammer if the bullets run out. It may not seem like a lot on its own, but if everyone comes together and does their part, we can make a tremendous difference.” At press time, sources confirmed no one had bothered to read the report.
‘Jeopardy!’ Bans Obsessive Weirdos Who Ruin The Fun By Preparing Way Too Much For Show #~# CULVER CITY, CA—Noting that such individuals had repeatedly upset the competition’s balance and atmosphere, Jeopardy! officials announced a permanent ban Tuesday on any obsessive weirdos who ruin the fun by preparing way too much for the show. “Effective immediately, we will be banning anyone who makes things awkward for the other contestants or the viewers at home by studying up on trivia for months before like total freaks,” said Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek, describing past champions like James Holzhauer and Ken Jennings as exactly the kind of neurotic assholes who turn an enjoyable little daytime game show into a bigger stage to flaunt their obsessive and unsettling level of knowledge on subjects as far-flung as the Russian czars, Caribbean literature, and Rodgers and Hammerstein showtunes. “It’s disturbing for our audience at home to picture these crackpots sitting alone in their pathetic little apartments and reading up on French architects like any of this matters. It doesn’t. People just want to kick back and unwind while watching a show after work without some complete lunatic creeping everybody out with a bizarre, all-consuming fixation on winning some dumb trivia competition.” Trebek added that he would personally screen the show’s auditions to look for anyone who starts getting one of those “strange, squirmy grins” on their faces when they know the answer to some clue about Elizabethan English.
Father Spends Joyful Afternoon Throwing Son Around Backyard #~# PALATINE, IL—Emphasizing that quality time with his boy was something to savor now because “someday soon he’ll be too big for this kind of thing,” local father Marty Baker spent Tuesday afternoon joyfully throwing his 7-year-old son, Kyler, around the backyard. “Nothing better than getting a little fresh air while flinging my boy across the lawn,” said Baker, adding that the two of them had enjoyed a “nice little conversation” as he hurled the 7-year-old boy high up into the tree canopy. “The sun was out, we had a nice little breeze, totally relaxing. Kyler did manage to clear the fence at one point, and I had to ask old man Johnson to throw him back. My little guy might have skinned his knee a bit in the commotion, but hey, that’s just part of the game. Pretty great day, overall. Can’t wait for him to get a little older so we can break out the ol’ wooden bat.” Baker has repeatedly denied any responsibility for the jagged 7-year-old boy-shaped hole in his neighbor’s bay window.
Twitch Streamer Completes Stunning 2-Minute-42-Second Racist Rant Speedrun #~# The world of speedruns is a relentless battleground, where the constant one-upping and millisecond time differences can often dull the impressiveness of what you are actually seeing. But yesterday, we saw something that stopped us in our tracks and broke nearly every assumption about one of the most popular genres on Twitch when a streamer completed a racist-rant speedrun in a scant two minutes and 42 seconds.
‘Sports Illustrated’ Sold For $110 Million #~# The intellectual property of Sports Illustrated, including the swimsuit issue and Sportsman Of The Year award, will be sold to the Authentic Brands group for $110 million. What do you think?
Tired But Changed-For-The-Better Friends Meet At Bar To Discuss Their Thematically Linked Days #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Wearily recounting what, at first, seemed to be unrelated stories, a group of tired friends who had found themselves changed for the better over the course of their day met up at Kelly’s Pub Monday evening to discuss their thematically linked, lesson-bearing days. “You know, life is funny. Take Sarah, who might have lost that big promotion but found a little piece of herself, or Corey, who may have broken up with an attractive but completely incompatible girlfriend, only to find himself relieved instead of heartbroken—things might not have worked out how they expected, or even wanted, but they wound up with what they needed,” said painfully earnest young designer Nick Pearson, watching his peer group of vastly different but somehow perfectly matched companions commiserate as his internal monologue noted that “I guess ‘family’ just means ‘friends who have your back no matter what’” and that “In the end, our struggles make us, well, us.” “Maybe, like Michelle, you spend all day flirting with the cute barista who, in a crazy turn of events, turns out to be gay. Maybe you’re like Jordy, trying to figure out how to tell your stereotypically overbearing mom that just because you need space doesn’t mean you don’t need her. The fact is, the truth finds a way out. Always. And when it comes? You have to accept it. You have to be open to change, too, and with the help of the people who mean the most to you, well, you just might be okay.” At press time, the motley gang of twenty-something friends had finished discussing their trying but character-defining experiences and returned to the 5,000-square-foot apartment in downtown San Francisco they have shared since college.
Apple Announces Plans To Sell Power Mac G4 For $120 #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Bringing to an end weeks of fevered anticipation, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced plans Monday to sell a Power Mac G4 for $120 that can still run Photoshop CS without a hitch. “Today, Apple is proud to announce the sale of a really phenomenal personal computer featuring a 350 MHz processor, 64 MB of ram, and a fully functioning zip drive bay—all for only $120,” said Cook, adding that Apple would listen to any other competitive offers for the 2002 desktop, which comes in a sleek Graphite case with only a few cosmetic nicks and scratches. “You can even use QuarkXPress for doing print layouts, if that’s something you need. Sure, it takes a few extra minutes to boot up and you aren’t going to be running the latest and greatest software, but once you get Myth: The Fallen Lords up and running, you won’t even care. Especially when you hear the sound coming out of the built-in mono speaker. Did I mention it comes bundled with an optical mouse?” Cook concluded by adding that interested parties could contact him personally at Tim.Cook@apple.com with a subject line mentioning the Power Mac G4.
Trump Administration Steps Up Attacks On Climate Science #~# The White House has escalated its attacks on climate science with actions like shuttering the study of the Earth’s warming and stripping communinqués of all references to climate change. What do you think?
Panicking Trump Trying To Recall Recent Affairs He’s Had After Spotting Baby Balloon In London Protest Crowd #~# LONDON—Racking his brain upon noticing the massive infant’s “uncanny resemblance” to himself, a visibly panicked President Trump tried to recall all his recent sexual liaisons after spotting an enormous baby balloon in a crowd of London protesters, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh God, this kid looks, what, maybe five or six months old—so how long ago are we talking?” said Trump, who reportedly struggled to put names with faces as he visualized all the women he had sex with during his 2018 trip to London and his golf course in Turnberry, Scotland. “I’ll deny everything, of course, but the baby looks exactly like me. The tabloids are going to have a field day. Jesus. Well, I’ve fucked a lot of British women, so I guess I better start having someone track them down and pay them off.” At press time, reports indicated the president had shifted tactics and was attempting to convince first lady Melania Trump to announce that she had given birth to the 20-foot baby balloon in secret last year to maintain the couple’s privacy.
Raid Introduces New Lilliputian Repellant Spray #~# RACINE, WI—Claiming the new product was up to 99.9% effective in just the first 48 hours, Raid introduced a new repellant spray Friday specifically designed to rid living spaces of invasive Lilliputians. “Our proprietary formula will kill every single one of those tiny nuisance humans in mere minutes and completely eradicate a colony of up to 100 miniature families in minutes flat,” said S.C. Johnson CEO Herbert Fisk Johnson III, adding that disposal of the diminutive corpses was “a breeze” compared to the mess made by traditional methods such as stomping on, smoking out, or urinating on the habitats of the one-twelfth-scale humanoid vermin. “Long gone are the days of waking up tied to your bed and waiting in fear for some overpriced exterminator to come by and free you. A single can of Raid Miniature Human Spray is enough to drive away or even kill an entire colony of the bastards before they can seize you on trumped-up charges and haul you laboriously before their emperor, who will no doubt sentence you to be blinded in some kangaroo court. We also sell traps in the shape of little houses so that just one of those conniving imps bringing crumbs of food to their village is sufficient for the whole lot of them to be annihilated. No longer must homeowners wildly swing hammers at their feet while the cunning wee men tie their shoelaces together.” Raid also introduced a napalm-enhanced version of the formula, packaged in 9,000-gallon tanker-truck-sized dispensers, designed to eliminate Brobdingnagian infestations.
Mitch McConnell Feeling Emasculated By Wife Who Makes More Illicit Money Than Him #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting that the financial arrangement of their marriage made him uncomfortable, Senator Mitch McConnell revealed Monday that he often feels emasculated by his wife, U.S. secretary of transportation Elaine Chao, who makes more illicit money than him. “I don’t like saying it, but it makes me feel like less of a man to see how much more ethically compromised money my wife brings in,” said the Republican Senate majority leader, adding that despite his own efforts to leverage his congressional standing for ill-gotten gains from a variety of dark-money financiers, the vast majority of the couple’s wealth came from his wife’s work using her government positions to give favorable treatment to her family’s overseas firms. “I’m a traditional guy, so it’s just hard to stomach looking at our joint illicit finances and knowing she’s contributing way more dirty money than me. Plus, her family gives us a lot of cash, which is kind of embarrassing to be a grown adult man receiving financial help from your wife’s corrupt parents. It’s just hard being in a marriage where your wife is the primary payola winner.” McConnell also admitted that in his darkest moments, he feels emasculated by the thought that his wife has been way more successful at undermining the principles of democratic government in the United States than he has.
Why I’m So Excited About ‘Gears 5’: I Have A Severe Glandular Disorder That Makes It Impossible For Me Not To Feel This Way #~# There’s just something about the Gears Of War series that keeps me coming back. For some fans, it’s the thrill of mowing down enemies with the perfectly designed Lancer; for others, it’s the stickiness of the game’s signature run-and-cover combat mechanics. But what gets me so pumped about the upcoming Gears 5 is that I have a severe glandular disorder that makes it impossible for me to not feel like this.
New Report Finds Energy Drink Consumption Can Lead To Heart Bursting Out Of Chest, Riding Away On Tiny Skateboard #~# SALT LAKE CITY—Researchers from the cardiology division of the University of Utah School of Medicine released a new report Monday revealing that consumption of energy drinks can lead to your heart bursting out of your chest and riding away on a tiny skateboard. “Our study found that individuals who ingest just one or two caffeinated energy drinks a day are at a far greater risk of their heart erupting from their torso and cruising off into the distance, popping heelflips while exclaiming, ‘Later suckers!’” said lead researcher Marcus Kabeer, explaining how the ingredients in the beverages produced electrical disturbances in the vital muscular organ and increased the possibility that the skateboarding heart will attempt a dangerous 720 gazelle flip and suffer severe physical damage if it fails to land the gnarly trick. “Although we’ve yet to pinpoint the exact chemical reaction that causes the heart to wear a miniature backwards trucker hat, we believe that the combination of caffeine, vitamin B, and taurine is linked to the cardiovascular organ grinding down a stairwell railing and flipping off a pursuing security guard with its ventricles.” At press time, the researchers confirmed that they had documented a number of troubling instances in which several skateboarding hearts gathered in a convenience store parking lot to smoke cigarettes.
Neglected Google Home Sits By Window Barking At Passersby #~# BOSTON—Saying the thought of the beloved home assistant languishing in solitude “completely and utterly broke my heart,” local woman Greta Benson, 36, expressed dismay Monday upon learning that her Google Home had been sitting in her front window and barking at passersby all day.  “I got home from work and the neighbors told me it had been yapping and howling all day—I honestly had no idea,” said Benson, explaining that she had expected the smart home device to experience a brief transitional period after it was initially purchased, but was shocked to find it had not yet become acclimated to its environment. “When I got the electric bill, I found out it had just been turning the lights on and off for hours, so I guess it must be bored. Maybe I’ll adopt a Roomba to keep it company while I’m at work, but then again, I think it’s super territorial. It’s been terrorizing my neighbor’s drones.” Benson also recalled a particularly troubling incident just after she acquired the device, in which her 8-year-old niece had been severely bitten while attempting to turn the machine’s volume down.
J.K. Rowling Releasing New ‘Harry Potter’ E-Books #~# J.K. Rowling will release four short Harry Potter e-books next month exploring the history of magic through themes such as “Defence Against the Dark Arts” as well as “Potions and Herbology” alongside never-before-seen sketches and notes from the series’ universe. What do you think? 
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—In the hours following a violent rampage in Virginia in which a lone attacker killed 12 individuals and injured four others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Michigan resident Mark Butler, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Our Annual Year: Best Of May #~# 1
Jake Tapper Demands Michael Bennet Answer Question Of Whether He Too Big A Pussy To Take Swing At De Blasio #~# DETROIT—Prodding the Democratic presidential candidate by insisting the American people deserve the truth, CNN moderator Jake Tapper demanded Wednesday night that Michael Bennet answer the question of whether he was too big a pussy to take a swing at fellow candidate Bill de Blasio. “C’mon, man, Billy Boy’s been running his damn mouth about all kinds of progressive ideas I know you disagree with, and I bet they’re pissing you off, so are you gonna sack up and take a swing or what?” said Tapper, before asking de Blasio a follow-up question as to whether the New York City mayor was “just going to sit there and take it.” “Time’s a-ticking, Senator. There’s no moderate compromise in pussyfooting on this—step up right here in front of the podiums and show the mayor you’ve got the stones to be president. You think the nation is going to trust you with the nuclear arsenal if you can’t even grow a pair and throw a punch? You ready to show the American people watching tonight that you’re a real man, or are you too chickenshit?” At press time, after a weeping Bennet had fled the stage, Tapper turned to Jay Inslee and said the candidate had 30 seconds to address what the fuck he was looking at.
Kirsten Gillibrand Appeals To Detroit Voters By Touting Hardscrabble Youth Growing Up As A Car #~# DETROIT—Recalling what she described as a tough but formative upbringing, presidential candidate Kirsten Gillibrand reportedly attempted to win over the audience at Wednesday night’s debate in Detroit by recounting the challenges she faced growing up as a 1966 Ford Country Squire. “I was raised on potholed streets, and my parents struggled, sometimes having to choose between whether to put gas in our tanks or feed the meter so we had a place to park at night,” said the New York senator, her voice tinged with emotion as she related how her father, a four-door domestic sedan with only 100,000 miles, fell behind on his repair bills, failed inspection, and was ultimately towed away to a junkyard. “No family of vehicles should ever have to make a choice like that, and when I’m president, I will fight to ensure no one has to. I’ll never forget where I came from.” Sources confirmed Gillibrand was later greeted with silence when she asked who else on the stage that night could claim to have been built by union labor “right here in the great state of Michigan.”
Lil Nas X’s ‘Old Town Road’ Breaks Billboard Record #~# After spending 17 weeks atop the Billboard Hot 100, Lil Nas X’s country-rap hit “Old Town Road” has officially broken the chart’s record for longest-running single, an honor previously held by Mariah Carey’s and Boyz II Men’s “One Sweet Day” and Luis Fonsi featuring Daddy Yankee’s “Despacito.” What do you think?
Music Writers Attribute Lil Nas X’s Success To Inventing Country Genre #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Lauding the singer for his unique melding of roots, Americana, and Appalachian folk styles, music writers across the industry attributed the extraordinary success of Lil Nas X Wednesday to his invention of the genre of country. “What really sets Lil Nas X apart is his ingenious choice to create what I’m calling the ‘country’ genre, a completely novel kind of music that combines traditional American genres with a certain level of southern twang,” said Rolling Stone writer Will Hermes, adding that what made “Old Town Road” such a massive hit was Lil Nas X’s revolutionary choice to use the song’s lyrics to touch on little-used Americans themes such as cowboys, tractors, and horses, while layering them with folksy instrumentation like banjos to create an entirely new sound. “You can really imagine this ‘country music’ appealing to Americans everywhere, from the rural south to the heartland. Time will tell, of course. It might just be a passing fad.” Hermes said that he already saw several virtual unknowns like Keith Urban and Billy Ray Cyrus jumping onto the bandwagon of Lil Nas X’s new genre with their own country-inspired recordings.
New USPS Commercial Says They Proudly Send More Fingers For Kidnappers Than Any Other Shipping Company #~# WASHINGTON—Touting their service as the number-one choice for American abductors, a USPS commercial that premiered Wednesday highlighted the company’s history of proudly sending more fingers for kidnappers than any other major shipping company. “When you’re trying to get proof of life to its destination in order to guarantee your ransom demands are met, you can rely on USPS,” said the ad spot that also lauded the postal service’s reasonable rates for mailing standard-sized envelopes with threatening notes made from letters cut out of newspapers or written in the sender’s blood. “Our professionalism and care have allowed us to consistently surpass private shipping companies in consumers hoping to extort enormous sums of money from wealthy families. You can be confident that that child’s finger, toe, or portion of ear will get there on time, every time.” The ad concluded by reminding viewers that USPS was the unsurpassed leader in providing passport services for those fleeing to another country when their plan goes awry.
10 Greatest Video Game Sequels Of All Time #~# Creating a sequel to a beloved game can be a tough proposition, yet some games get it so right that they not only outdo the original but eclipse the predecessor entirely. After much discussion, here is OGN’s definitive list of the greatest video game sequels of all time.
Lindsey Graham Sheepishly Approaches Fox News Interns To See If Anybody Up For Grabbing Drink #~# WASHINGTON—Conspicuously remaining in the studio following his appearance on Tucker Carlson Tonight, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) sheepishly approached a group of Fox News interns Wednesday evening to see if anyone was “up for grabbing drinks.” “Hey, gang! What do you say we all head down to Lyman’s for some brews and jalapeno poppers on me?” said Graham, addressing a group of 22-year-old summer interns working quietly and pretending not to hear the invitation. “I passed a couple of real dive bars on my way over here, so maybe we can get a game of darts going? That is if anyone thinks they can beat the Graham Man. So, you’re all busy? Okay. Right. Okay, I’m gonna head out there now, but if one of you can give me a phone number, I’ll snag us a booth and text you where I’m sitting.” Graham was seen two hours later in the parking lot, evidently holding back tears upon spotting the interns boarding an Uber on their way to a house party.
Dan Coats Resigns As Director Of National Intelligence #~# After a tenure in which he repeatedly contradicted the president on statements about foreign adversaries, Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats has resigned from his post. The president has said he will likely nominate White House loyalist John Ratcliffe as a replacement. What do you think?
‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DONATE, BETO’S DYING UP THERE’ Reads O’Rourke Campaign Fundraising Email Sent During Debate #~# DETROIT—In a frantic message dispatched to tens of thousands of supporters midway through Tuesday night’s debate, the campaign of presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke reportedly sent out an email with the subject line “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DONATE, BETO’S DYING UP THERE.” “Oh Jesus, please, please, please—Beto’s in WAY over his head, and he really needs your help!” read the header from the digressive, 1,500-word email, which featured a photograph from the debate that showed a visibly panicked O’Rourke above the caption “This is a complete trainwreck.” “Even a few dollars can make a difference. They’re wiping the goddamn floor with him up there, and we’re going to need every penny we can get to make up for what’s happening tonight. Ugh, this is so hard to watch…Send your donations! We’re begging you!” At press time, sources confirmed the campaign had sent a follow-up email that consisted entirely of the words “oh fuck” repeated three dozen times.
Marianne Williamson Sternly Addresses Homemade Trump Puppet About Immigration In Fiery Debate Exchange #~# DETROIT—Announcing to the moderators that she wanted to speak to the president directly, Democratic presidential candidate Marianne Williamson sternly addressed a homemade Donald Trump puppet Tuesday about immigration in a fiery debate exchange. “To answer your question, I’d like to invite to the stage one of my staunchest enemies to tell him to his face that we will simply not let him treat immigrants in this country like criminals,” Williamson said to the hand-sewn Trump puppet with a felt suit and yellow hair, which she had taken from under her lectern and put on her hand, refusing to break her gaze with its googly eyes even after it had flapped its hands in distress and hung its head in shame. “Mr. President, we know who you are, and what you are. You are a bad man with hate in your heart, and Americans are not going to sit here while you erode the freedoms we hold so dear. I want you to take a look around, that’s right, take a long look around at all the people here tonight—Mr. Tapper, please let me finish—and remember that all of these people are going to stop your terrible agenda, with whatever it takes.” At press time, the Trump puppet was heard to squeak “I’m sorry,” at which point Williamson responded “We forgive you,” before kissing it on the head.
‘Right This Way To The Debate Stage,’ Says Tearful, Rock-Holding Hickenlooper Aide Leading Candidate To Secluded Spot In The Woods #~# DETROIT—Trying to speak without his voice wavering as he picked up a heavy stone from the ground, an aide for John Hickenlooper’s presidential campaign had reportedly ushered the former Colorado governor towards a secluded spot deep in the woods Tuesday with assurances that the debate stage was in that direction. “Just a little further past this log and you’ll see the CNN audience,” said the campaign aide for Hickenlooper, forcing a smile as he pointed the Democratic presidential candidate towards a quiet thicket where they wouldn’t be overheard. “Sorry about the detour, but you’re almost there, and then you can explain all your ideas about investing in America’s infrastructure and working with private industry to fight against climate change. That sounds good, doesn’t it? Don’t be scared, Johnnie, just keep your eyes forward, and in only a few seconds, you won’t ever have to worry about poll numbers again.” At press time, a spooked John Hickenlooper was sprinting through the forest after stumbling upon the strangled corpse of Eric Swalwell.
Trump Attacks Al Sharpton, Elijah Cummings In Tweets #~# After attacking Representative Elijah Cummings (D-MD) in recent tweets by calling Baltimore a “very dangerous and filthy place,” President Trump attempted to paint Rev. Al Sharpton as a racist. What do you think?
Mysterious Salem Shopkeeper Offers Seth Moulton Chance At Presidential Debate Stage But At A Terrible Cost #~# SALEM, MA—After wandering through his home district into a dim and dingy store he could have sworn had been an empty alleyway, Representative Seth Moulton (D-MA) was reportedly offered a chance to participate in the upcoming CNN presidential debate Tuesday by a mysterious shopkeeper who warned that the privilege would come at a terrible price. “Ah, Mr. Moulton, you strike me as a man of great ambition—perhaps there’s something among my wares that could help you achieve your most cherished desire, hmm?” said the old and withered proprietor, proffering a series of items to the congressman as her eyes reportedly glimmered with mischief. “This lavalier microphone will let you be the greatest public speaker there ever was, though you may find that the words you’re saying aren’t always your own. Or maybe you’d be interested in this American flag pin—it will energize your base by a hundredfold, yet for its last owner, being forever surrounded by obsessed, adoring fans was more than he bargained for. Nothing for nothing, Mr. Moulton, and everything in its time.” At press time, a thrilled Moulton was leaving the shop clutching a necktie guaranteed to give him fame while ignoring the shopkeeper’s veiled admonishment that its wearer would ultimately be doomed to a life of political obscurity. 
What To Expect In The Second Democratic Debates #~# The second round of the Democratic Party 2020 primary debates will feature the top 20 presidential candidates over two nights in Detroit. The Onion takes a look at what viewers should be watching for in the second Democratic debates.
Researchers Confirm Meditation Can Reduce Stress But Totally Get It If You Were Just Venting And Don’t Actually Want Advice #~# SEATTLE—Announcing the conclusion of their landmark study, researchers from the University of Washington confirmed Tuesday that meditation can significantly reduce stress but added that they totally get it if you were just venting and weren’t actually looking for advice right now. “Based on a six-month double-blind study, we can state with a high degree of confidence that regular meditation can help reduce epinephrine and lead to decreased blood pressure, heart rate, and metabolism, but we’re not meaning to push that on you if you just needed to blow off some steam about how much you’ve got going on recently,” said lead researcher Emily Kurtz, noting that while entering a state of advanced relaxation has been shown to decrease the flow of cortisol and improve cardiovascular health, she and her fellow researchers weren’t trying to fix you or anything and understood if you just needed a sympathetic ear. “Our findings also suggest that the focused attention, deep breathing, and calm thoughts associated with meditation may even reduce the occurrence of ailments including asthma, chronic pain, and some forms of cancer, but again, maybe you’re just feeling frustrated and aren’t looking for a laundry list of self-improvement techniques, so we just wanted to mention our conclusions and we’ll leave it there.” Kurtz added that their research had also uncovered significant health risks associated with a sedentary lifestyle, but they could wait to talk about that until you were in a better mood.
Eco-Win! Rockstar Announces That For Every Mile Driven In ‘Grand Theft Auto Online’ They’ll Plant A Tree In-Game #~# Grand Theft Auto Online has seen its fair share of pain and controversy over the years, but Rockstar has once again cemented their status as industry leaders by finally tackling one of its biggest issues with an all new eco-friendly feature: To help offset the city’s carbon emissions, the game’s developers will plant an in-game tree for every mile you drive.
More Presidential Candidates Taking Strident Pro-Caviar Stance To Appeal To Democratic Socialite Wing Of Party #~# WASHINGTON—Doubling down on new policy in an effort to cater to the most influential segment of their base, an increasing number of 2020 presidential contenders were pushing strongly pro-caviar positions Tuesday in an effort to appeal to the Democratic Socialite wing of the party. “Today, too many Americans are forced to choose between beluga caviar, steak tartare, and truffle-infused risotto cakes, when a full selection of amuses-bouche should be guaranteed to all,” said White House hopeful Kirsten Gillibrand, who like most candidates has pledged to fight aggressively for top-shelf canapés and aperitifs in an effort to court the jet-setting bon viveur faction of the Democratic electorate. “We live in the wealthiest country in the history of the world, and it’s outrageous that our richest cognacs or fullest-bodied Zinfandels still do not reflect that. We can’t make do with the same tired old cheese plates and bacon-wrapped dates Washington has offered us time and time again. We need bold, fresh tasting menus if we’re going to save our nation’s struggling galas.” Gillibrand has joined fellow candidates Beto O’Rourke, Cory Booker, and Kamala Harris in promising that, if elected, she would fight to remove unnecessary restrictions on top-shelf pours at the open bar. 
Swarms Of Grasshoppers Descend On Las Vegas #~# Hordes of grasshoppers have invaded Las Vegas due to a larger than usual amount of rainfall, burying cars and stunning drivers, although entomologists stress residents have little to fear from their largely benign presence. What do you think?
Woman Who Doesn’t Want To Be Hit On Shouldn’t Be Hanging Out In Bar Taking Drink Orders #~# TEMPE, AZ—Yucca Tap Room patron Danny Foster told sources Tuesday that if Tempe resident Destiny Harris had no desire to field romantic overtures from inebriated male customers, she should not be hanging out in the bar taking drink orders. “She’s just going from table to table, mingling with all the customers, asking every man here what he would like to drink and charging them on behalf of the establishment,” said Foster, noting that it seemed odd of Harris to repeatedly return to Foster’s table and ask his party what they wanted to drink if she wasn’t looking to meet someone. “She brought that table over there a whole round of shots, and she keeps chatting them up about appetizers, which to be honest is rather forward of her. What does she expect to happen if she hangs out alone in a place like this for six hours at a time, wearing that little apron? It just sends the wrong message.” At press time, Foster said that if the woman wasn’t trying to hook up, she shouldn’t hand out little bowls of pretzels to everyone.
Andrew Yang Loads Shotgun As Hissing, Crackling Copy Machine Lurches Towards Campaign Staff #~# WASHINGTON—Kicking off the power cord that was coiling itself around his ankle, Democratic presidential candidate Andrew Yang frantically attempted to load a shotgun Monday as a hissing, crackling copy machine lurched towards campaign staffers. “I’ve got the copier. Zach, you destroy the cell phones, and for God’s sake, everyone, stay away from the Keurig, it’s sparking,” said Yang, firing a shot that obliterated the sentient machine’s paper tray before pumping three more rounds into the dishwasher that had crept up behind him from the break room. “Quick, that fax machine is reactivating all the desktop computers, smash it before it gets to the thermostat. It’s me the electronics want, and they’ll kill anyone who gets in their way.” At press time, a lone iPad had beeped to life amidst the smoking ruins of democratic candidate’s former campaign headquarters, its charred, cracked screen reading only, “Yang Must Go.”
Brazil’s Deforestation Of Amazon Increased By 39% In Past Year #~# Brazil’s part of the Amazon has lost more than 1,330 square miles of forest cover since Jair Bolsonaro, a populist who cut environmental policies, took office, constituting a 39% increase over the same period last year. What do you think?
Trump Escalates Baltimore Attacks With Rambling, 3-Hour Press Conference Tearing Into Edgar Allan Poe #~# WASHINGTON—Criticizing the 19th-century writer as a “death-obsessed weirdo with very little literary talent,” President Trump doubled down on his attacks against the city of Baltimore Monday by tearing into Edgar Allan Poe during a rambling, three-hour press conference on the White House lawn. “This guy was a pathetic loser and boozehound who was too busy crying about his lost love to write any half-decent stories,” said Trump during an oftentimes discursive and meandering speech that mocked the “disgusting, cousin-marrying hack” for his “boring” short stories and poems. “Everyone says The Raven, okay? But a raven? Not very scary. Not scary at all. It’s just a dumb bird. Maybe if he had spent less time concerned about internal rhyme schemes and more time fixing the broken and crime-ridden city that he lived in, we wouldn’t have these problems in Baltimore right now—he’s a disgrace to the Whig Party. Not original. Not smart. And I know a lot of people who love detective fiction, and they all tell me Poe’s Dupin character was a disaster, just a complete disaster for the genre.” Media analysts noted that Trump’s attacks stand in stark contrast to his habit of routinely heaping praise on Romanticists associated with New York like Washington Irving and Herman Melville.
Chuck Grassley Accidentally Lies In State For Few Hours After Drifting Off In Capitol Rotunda #~# WASHINGTON—Surrounded by onlookers, former colleagues, and Supreme Court Justices paying respect to the slumbering U.S. Senator, Chuck Grassley (R-IA) accidentally lay in state for a few hours Monday after drifting off in the Capitol rotunda. “Today, we honor a giant of the United States Senate, a devoted father, and a dear personal friend for his great service to this country,” said a tearful Majority Whip John Cornyn in a stirring retrospective about the sleeping Iowa Republican, whose quietly dozing body had been mistakenly draped in a U.S. flag for public viewing just hours after the exhausted 85-year-old senator reportedly yawned and stretched out on the floor for a catnap beneath a frieze of George Washington. “We may salute him today with a procession. We may lower the flags as he lies in repose. But we will never forget what he has sacrificed for our nation. Rest in peace, my friend.” Several hours after the ceremony ended, a dazed Grassley snapped awake in the darkened chamber, pulled several pieces of regalia off himself, and stumbled away in confusion while a member of the Capitol police wasn’t looking.
Study: Chris Martin Probably Cried When He Wrote ‘Fix You’ #~# BOSTON—Shedding light on the emotional state of Coldplay’s frontman and his internal process while composing the iconic ballad, researchers at the Berklee College of Music published a study Monday confirming that Chris Martin probably cried when he wrote “Fix You.” “After months of inquiry, analysis, music theory breakdowns, interviews with those closest to the writer and composer, and listening to the song ourselves and paying attention to how it made us feel inside, we can say with complete confidence that Chris Martin was probably feeling pretty down when he created the melody to ‘Fix You,’ and may have even gotten all choked up,” said lead researcher Yvette Daniels in a summary of the study’s findings, the conclusion of which was derived from a statistical simulation run over 80 times, nearly all of which determined that Martin had no choice but to bawl his eyes out at crucial points of the song’s creation process. “One especially detailed analysis suggested a roughly 90% probability that, while first conceiving the lyrics “Lights will guide you home/And I will try to fix you,” a single tear dropped from Martin’s left eye onto the keys of his piano, where it reflected a perfect image of the room’s single candle. Seriously, just listen to it. This guy was definitely all torn up inside about something.” Popular music scholars are claiming the study’s findings represent one of the field’s greatest discoveries since the groundbreaking 1995 study that confirmed that Alanis Morisette was very, very mad and stomped her feet when she wrote “You Oughta Know.”
New York Bans Discrimination Against Natural Hair #~# New York governor Andrew Cuomo signed into law Assembly Bill 07797, which prohibits race discrimination based on natural hair or hairstyles. What do you think?
Catholic Leaders Transfer Most Alluring Children To Another Church #~# VATICAN CITY—In the wake of public outcry over a continuing spate of molestation allegations, leaders in the Catholic Church confirmed Monday that they have been pursuing a policy of quietly transferring the most alluring children in the faith to other churches. “As soon as any such issues come to our attention, we immediately take action to remove the sexiest little numbers from their parish and transfer them to another location where they can no longer tempt priests with their tantalizing ways,” said Pope Francis, stressing that the Catholic Church’s primary concern has always been ensuring the most beguiling altar boys were far away from the places where they could cause harm to a member of the clergy by forcing them to stray from the ways of Christ. “Of course, many critics wish we would simply expel these nubile cherubs from the faith altogether. But in recognition of their great service to the Church, we believe the best choice is simply moving them to places far away from bishops, where they’re unable to sin with their irresistible button noses and twinkling eyes.” The Pope also said that the Church had also taken great pains to vet all replacements for the children, ensuring that they would always be “fives or below” in terms of attractiveness.
Guy On Bus Really Good At Whatever Phone Game That Is #~# Gamers, get ready because we have the performance of a lifetime to show you! This guy riding on a bus is absolutely crushing it at whatever phone game he’s playing.
4-Year-Old Convinced Father A Moron After 45th Consecutive Hide-And-Seek Victory #~# GLENDALE, PA—Expressing embarrassment and disappointment over being the son of such a loser, local 4-year-old Connor Heyward was convinced Friday that his father, Craig, was a moron after losing 45 consecutive games of hide-and-seek. “Christ, this is bad. I’ve hid behind that bush a dozen times and this dumbass still can’t find me,” said Connor, confessing that after finding his father crouched behind a chair half his size, he had started to worry he might grow up to be a “complete imbecile” just like his dad. “At first, I thought I might be really good at this game, but after about an hour hiding underneath a hamper with visible holes, I realized he’s completely out to lunch. It’d be one thing if he was only bad at seeking, but so far, his best hiding spot was behind the back door. Who hides behind a door? There’s no strategy to it whatsoever. One time, I went out to find him and he was just standing behind a kitchen stool—he wasn’t even crouched behind it or anything.” At press time, a visibly frustrated Connor emerged from his hiding spot to help his father search for his 2-year-old brother.
Instagram Begins Hiding Likes #~# Instagram has started hiding likes for a test group in Canada, a fundamental alteration to the service that many users say will allow them to stay more focused on the content itself if the change is expanded to other markets. What do you think? 
Samin Nosrat Releases Updated Book ‘Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat, Marshmallow’ About The 5 Key Elements Of Good Cooking #~# BERKELEY, CA—In an effort to continue breaking down the basic fundamentals of her craft, chef Samin Nosrat published her bestselling cookbook in a revised edition Friday that now covers five key elements of good cooking and is titled Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat, Marshmallow. “Look in the pantry of any professional chef, and you can bet you’ll find cold-pressed extra-virgin olive oil, Maldon sea salt, and a big tub of Jet-Puffed marshmallows,” said Nosrat, who remarked that when she’s enjoying a restaurant dish and wonders what amazing flavor is making it taste so good, nine times out of 10 it turns out to be the marshmallow. “I find that you can really elevate a normal meal to sublime heights by drizzling melted marshmallow over the top of a pan-roasted chicken or finishing off a beautifully seared ribeye with a thick basting of marshmallow. It also makes the perfect addition to s’mores and ambrosia.” Nosrat added that regardless of whether you opt for regular, chocolate-stuffed, or rainbow, it’s essential not to skimp and to use only the highest quality artisanal marshmallows you can find.
Customers Relieved To See Perky 7-Eleven Cashier’s Spirit Has Finally Been Crushed #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing their appreciation that they were once again able to shop in peace, 7-Eleven patrons were reportedly relieved Friday to discover that the perky cashier had finally had his spirit crushed. “I’ve been dreading going in recently for fear of that chipper employee cracking jokes, asking how my day was going, and generally just ruining my 7-Eleven experience,” said customer Aubrey Alexanian, confirming that the cashier’s monosyllabic answers and refusal to make eye-contact during her latest trip represented a vast improvement. “I’m just trying to get my scratch tickets and point to the taquitos or hotdogs that I want with an absolute minimum of human interaction. Thankfully, it seems like this guy’s realized his job is a soul-sucking nightmare, so it should be back to business as usual. For a while there, I was worried I was going to have to do all my shopping at the Hess gas station.” Alexanian believed she had helped the process in her own way by always treating the cashier like subhuman trash. 
Justice Department Resumes Capital Punishment After 2-Decade Hiatus #~# Attorney General William Barr directed the Bureau of Prisons to schedule the executions of five inmates convicted of murder and other crimes after nearly two decades of not doing so. What do you think?
Russian Operative Disappointed Gerrymandering Taking All The Fun Out Of Hacking 2020 U.S. Election #~# SMOLENSK, RUSSIA—Lamenting that any interesting challenge in disrupting the vote has been completely removed from his job, Russian operative Pavel Artemyev reportedly expressed disappointment Friday that gerrymandering has taken all the fun out of hacking the 2020 election. “I really thought it would be a huge thrill trying to dismantle the U.S. democratic system, but it looks like all the work has already been done,” said Artemyev, who claimed that any excitement he once had about diminishing Americans’ faith in their democracy quickly disappeared upon the realization that elected U.S. officials had tirelessly toiled to suppress voters with discriminatory and partisan-rigged district maps. “I got into this because I wanted to make a difference, only to hack the Florida rolls and find out most of the African American voters have already been purged. It kind of sucks because there’s no way my work could be as substantive as polling-place closures, malfunctioning equipment, and laws that allow election officials to reject ballots without standards or repercussions. I’m basically getting paid to do nothing.” At press time, Artemyev had settled on creating and spreading false news stories about Sharia Law in the U.S. only to discover dozens of American publications already doing that as well.
New Tampax High-Speed Applicator Able To Launch Tampons Into Vagina At 500 MPH #~# NEW YORK—Touting the state-of-the-art device as a major time-saver for women, Procter & Gamble debuted a high-speed Tampax applicator Friday capable of launching tampons into the human vagina at speeds of up to 500 miles per hour. “Competing brands usually enter the vagina at 0.012 mph, with the resulting inefficiency you might expect, but now, thanks to the aerospace-derived advances in applicator design, women will no longer be inconvenienced by 19th century Steam Age–tampon velocities,” said marketing representative Craig Harris of the new Tampax Blaster, a titanium-and-carbon-fiber unit which comes pre-loaded with 12 tampons in the magazine and is capable of hitting the vaginal canal with 90% accuracy under optimal conditions. “By far the biggest complaints we get in product development concerns the time-consuming nature of putting in tampons. Now it’s as simple as placing the laser designator on the intended site and launching the tampon into your vagina for guaranteed protection against leaks. And thanks to the 1500-psi vacuum chamber, the removal process is as quick and efficient with the installation of an additional attachment that sucks the tampon out at great speed. With Tampax Blaster, women can go about their day in worry-free confidence.” Representatives from Tampax reminded customers to always wear earplugs and protective eyewear during the insertion process and to keep the device away from children when not in use.
Horrified Iowan Farmer Starts Breaking Out In Corn After Coming Into Direct Contact With Monsanto Crops #~# MCGREGOR, IA—Panicking as kernels of the hardy self-cultivating cereal grain began spreading rapidly across his arms, legs, and torso, horrified Iowan farmer Lanny Heck broke out in virulent corn Friday after coming into direct contact with a plot of Monsanto crops. “My God, it’s—it’s growing everywhere,” said a deeply disturbed Heck, while frantically clawing at the husks growing on his face and neck. “Please, please help. Oh God, how could this be happening? Please, someone help me! Tell the other farmhands I need a shovel and—oh, no. Roots. I can feel the roots. They’re all through me, they’re growing all through me, they’ve reached my, my, oh my God uhuhuhhhhhhhh.” Monsanto officials called for calm and claimed that anyone who finds themselves similarly afflicted should be boiled in heavily salted water for 8 to 10 minutes or until tender.
Man Flashes Hand Stamp To Bouncer Like Badge Of Field Agent Entering Crime Scene #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Face grim and emotionless as if hardened by years on a special investigation force, returning rock-show attendee Paul Grasso flashed his hand stamp to the bouncer at Highfalutin’s Thursday night like a world-weary field agent displaying his dented and tarnished badge while ducking under the yellow tape at a horrific crime scene. In much the manner of jaded, laconic plainclothes detectives known as “Hawk” by the other veterans of the street crimes division, the 27-year-old first elbowed his way through a long line of people as if they were pesky but ultimately clueless tabloid reporters who persisted in obstructing official police business. The club’s employees said Grasso entered the venue in the company of his friend and college roommate Connor, who had assumed the demeanor of a grizzled partner of 20 years as the two simultaneously revealed their red stamp-pad marks. Others present to see the same jam-band festival confirm that the pair proceeded calmly and wordlessly to the bar, where they ordered Bud Light with the casual resignation of street veterans asking a flustered forensic lab technician for details on bullet-riddled victims. Grasso was later observed casing the floor for a spot with a good view of the bands in the manner of an expert incident–reconstruction analyst meticulously deciphering dark mysteries written in blood spatter.
Everything You Need To Know About ‘Wolfenstein: Youngblood’ #~# Looking to dive into the latest installment in the Blazkowicz clan’s ongoing war against the Third Reich? Then you’ve come to the right place. Read on to find out everything you need to know about Wolfenstein: Youngblood.
The Onion’s Guide To TikTok #~# TikTok, a short video–making app with over 500 million active monthly users, has launched a new generation of internet tastemakers, as well as generated its share of controversies. The Onion answers common questions about the rise of TikTok.
India’s Chandrayaan-2 Mission Heading To Moon #~# Following a successful launch of the Chandrayaan-2 rover mission to the moon, India is on track to become the fourth country to complete a controlled lunar landing. What do you think?
Pelosi Concerned Outspoken Progressive Flank Of Party Could Harm Democrats’ Reputation As Ineffectual Cowards #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting she had worries about the rise of left-leaning activist groups within her party, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi expressed concerns Thursday that outspoken progressives could do permanent damage to Democrats’ reputation as ineffectual cowards. “They mean well, but if they continue to aggressively push their agenda like this, they run the risk of fundamentally altering the public’s perception of Democrats as bumbling, feckless chumps,” said Pelosi, adding that this brash brand of politics could be easily manipulated by Republicans to paint the party as something other than a bunch of sniveling wimps who are too weak-willed and complacent to stand up for anything with even remote political risk. “I understand where these groups are coming from, but while it might feel good to vent their frustrations about the state of the country, they could undermine what I believe should be our core 2020 argument: We are dithering, incompetent doormats who are infinitesimally less objectionable than our opposition.” Pelosi also noted that her concerns shouldn’t be overstated, as she knew it would take more than a few activists for voters to associate the Democratic party with the vaguest inkling of courage.
Sun Setting Over Tropical Beach Kind Of Beautiful In Its Own Way #~# MAUI COUNTY, HI—Expressing surprise at the unexpected realization, sources confirmed Thursday that the sun setting over a tropical beach was actually kind of beautiful in its own way. “It might not have a traditionally attractive aesthetic, but if you look at just the right angle, there’s something sort of pretty about the deep orange hues of the sun setting on sparkling sand and crystal-clear water,” said onlooker Amma Withers, admitting that feeling the warmth of the sun’s fading light against her skin and the coolness of the water lapping at her feet as seabirds called to each other quietly in the distance had a certain undeniable charm. “Not everyone would necessarily be able to see it, but gazing at the clouds illuminated by a lush, technicolor glow isn’t altogether terrible. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s even pleasant in a weird sort of way.” At press time, Withers added that she couldn’t help feeling that there was something almost bittersweet about coming across a turtle that had suffocated on a plastic bag. 
Catholic Church Not About To Be Out-Molested By Goddamn Boy Scouts #~# VATICAN CITY—Telling the youth organization that if they come for the king they best not miss, the Catholic Church announced Thursday that it was not about to be out-molested by the goddamn Boy Scouts. “If some pissant organization like the Scouts thinks they can beat us at the molestation game, then they have another fucking thing coming,” said Pope Francis, directing his message to the Scouts’ leaders as he stressed that a couple thousand piddling cases was a drop in the bucket compared to the generations of sexual abuse that had made the Catholic Church number-one in molestation for centuries on end. “We’re talking hundreds of thousands of parishioners, children, and nuns abused by the people they trust most. Plus, we’re not doing it while hiding out in the woods like a bunch of cowards. We’re just at the back of the church, putting up huge numbers on the board day after day. So don’t come at us with this weak-ass shit, Boy Scouts. We’re the OG diddlers around here.” At press time, the Catholic Church had offered to send a few dozen priests to the Boy Scouts of America to show them how it’s done.
Boris Johnson To Be Next U.K. Prime Minister #~# Boris Johnson, the brash populist leader, is set to be the United Kingdom’s next prime minister after a vote among Tory membership, putting him in place to navigate a potential hard departure from the E.U. after years of promising Brexit’s benefits. What do you think?
Insecure Infant Worried He Unworthy Of Animatronic Toy Rabbit’s Love #~# CLIFTON, NJ— Confessing he feels a pang of guilt every time the bunny says “You’re my best friend!,” infant Justin Weber confirmed Thursday he worries constantly about being unworthy of the deep and evidently unconditional love shown to him by Hopsy, his animatronic toy rabbit. “Any day now, Hopsy will see the real Justin, and when I squeeze his foot, he won’t say ‘I wuv you,’ but utter ‘this isn’t working anymore,’” said the 12-month-old, who fears his beloved stuffed animal’s ever-present smile would inevitably fade away and his always-outstretched arms would cross protectively in front of his chest at the sight of the baby. “I’ve seen the way he looks at other babies. Once he actually gets to know me, I just know he’ll jump ship for someone cuter and even younger. I don’t know. Maybe he’s better off with a kid who doesn’t forget him at Grandma’s house or lets the dog chew on him, anyway.” At press time, the frustrated infant was repeatedly throwing Hopsy up against the wall, only for the damaged rabbit to quietly insist it loves him every time.
Bar Band To Pay Dearly For Slipping In Original Song #~# PHILADELPHIA—Grossly underestimating the patience of their audience, rock-and-blues band Flashback Depot was going to pay dearly Thursday for attempting to perform an original song during their hour-long set. “Some people say we sound a little like the E Street Band, but we’ll let you be the judge of that,” said frontman Eric Saunders, who would forever rue the moment he decided to add a new self-penned single to the band’s lineup of rock standards, prompting dozens of patrons to step outside for a smoke break and several more to close their bar tabs as the group squandered the goodwill it had built during the past half hour by playing adequate covers of “All Small Things” and “Personal Jesus.” “We’ve actually never played this one live, so it might be a little shaky.” The band was eventually escorted out of the bar after debuting a six-minute power ballad written by their drummer.
New ‘Call Of Duty’ Explores Horrifying Reality Of Life As USO Magician #~# Since its debut back in 2003, Call Of Duty has received widespread acclaim for its increasingly ambitious portrayals of the battlefield experience. In fact, in recent years the series has felt more and more like playing through a blockbuster action movie. But in an interview yesterday, the game’s creators confirmed that they’re taking the series back to its gritty roots in Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare by using the main campaign to explore the horrifying reality of life as a touring USO magician.
Aging Congress Moves Into More Manageable Single-Story Ranch Capitol #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the lawmakers had really begun to slow down over the last few years, the aging United States Congress announced Thursday that they would move into a more manageable single-story ranch Capitol. “We don’t do too much nowadays anyway, so it’ll be easier to have a smaller place—plus, all those stairs out front were really messing with our knees,” said all 535 combined members of the House of Representatives and Senate, noting that the move was “bittersweet” after 200 years in the historic First Street Capitol, but that the ranch structure was ultimately a safer and more comfortable choice for all. “We don’t even move around as much as we once did, so we don’t need all that space with the big fancy dome and everything. Now everything we need is on the first floor. It’s just more comfortable, especially for those of us who are starting to get confused easily.” Congress disclosed that the ultimate catalyst for the move came when Joe Manchin (D-WV) fell down in the previous Capitol’s bathroom and was trapped there helpless for nine hours.
Mueller Testifies Before Congress #~# In a hotly anticipated testimony that may shed further light on the president’s conduct, former Special Counsel Robert Mueller will speak before two Democratic-led House panels about his report on Russia interference and Trump’s potential obstruction of justice. What do you think?
Tim Duncan Maps Out Spurs’ Genealogy After Being Hired As Team Archivist #~# SAN ANTONIO—Returning to the organization in an official capacity for the first time since his 2016 retirement, former NBA star Tim Duncan was reportedly embarking on a large-scale project Wednesday mapping out the San Antonio Spurs’ genealogy after being hired as the team archivist. “We’re thrilled to have Tim back in the fold, and were happy to honor his request by bringing him on as the Spurs’ head archivist—there’s no one better suited than Tim to chronicle the team’s history, trace players’ lineage, and document important items from our past,” said head coach Gregg Popovich, showing reporters the massive genealogical chart Duncan had created for each of the Spurs’ players mapping not only their personal ancestry and NBA career but also tracking the development of their individual playing style and charting their closest statistical comparisons to previous players going back to college basketball games in the early 1900s. “He’s really jumped right in—he asked if he could set up an office in the AT&T Center catacombs, which we didn’t even know were there, so we let him go right ahead. Of course, he already knew a lot of the team’s Xs and Os from his work cataloguing the evolution of the Spurs offense, and once he finishes digitizing them it’s going to be quite the resource for our staff and younger guys. He’s planning to set up a playbook library and a museum for displaying artifacts from the time when the organization was known as the Dallas Chaparrals—he apparently had a number of them in his private collection already. We think he’ll be a great fit.” Reached for comment, Duncan said he was also putting out a request for players’ diary entries, NBA game logs, and other materials that would help him on his long-term project to publish a history of the Western Conference. 
Man Doesn’t Understand Why People Wasting Time Attacking Him For Running Over Their Dog When Trump The Real Enemy #~# BUFFALO, NY—Expressing dismay that the supposedly well-informed electorate was more concerned with tracking down his bloodstained Ford Escape than impeaching a corrupt commander in chief, motorist Mark Dolan said Wednesday that he fails to see why he should be relentlessly attacked for running over a single pit bull when President Donald Trump is the real enemy here. “The leader of a major global military and economic power is hellbent on goading Iran into starting World War III. Are we really arguing about whether I hit some animal with my car right now?” said Dolan, noting that the bystanders taking pictures of his license plate are marching in perfect time with President Trump’s drumbeat call to a surveillance state. “Let’s get this straight: A fascist reality TV star has control of the nuclear launch codes, but all you care about is blocking my car so I don’t speed away? Jesus. We agree on 97% of the issues, so let’s stop the infighting about whose tire tracks are on whose dead dog and get this orange bozo out of office!” Dolan later insisted that the arresting officers should really be handcuffing Donald Trump for collusion and lying under oath.
LeBron James Reveals School He Founded Has Seen Huge Gains In English, Math, And Dunk Testing #~# AKRON, OH—Expressing pride that the curriculum he helped put in place was already bearing fruit in critical areas of study, LeBron James revealed Wednesday that students at his I Promise elementary school have seen huge gains in English, math, and dunk testing. “I’m truly humbled to be making a difference in my community, where so many of these kids tested way below the national average in tomahawk jams, and now they’re on pace to rank in the 90th percentile for both chemistry and alley-oops,” said James, who credited the school’s small class sizes for giving the kids the hands-on attention they need to learn how to “really throw it down.” “We’ve seen dramatic improvement across the board, from reading comprehension and arithmetic to jump shooting and Jelly layups. It’s amazing to watch kids who could barely even palm the ball a few years ago slam home windmills like it’s nothing. Of course, these are still young kids, so they have to continue making strides until they’re able to dunk a regulation-sized basketball—which is a graduation requirement.” At press time, James had announced a new scholarship program to help Akron-area high schoolers gain admission to prestigious Ivy League dunking programs.
‘It’s Like All The President’s Men Meets Rambo,’ Says Robert Mueller Describing Report To Congress #~# WASHINGTON—Briefing members of Congress who he doubted had read all the way through the “thrilling tale of redemption and American justice,” Robert Mueller pitched his special counsel report Wednesday as All The President’s Men meets Rambo. “It’s just the story of an all-American badass who gets fed up with the system and dedicates his life to bringing down the corrupt powers that be,” Mueller told the House Judiciary Committee, adding that the 448-page report contains scenes of “wall-to-wall action” in which a tough, determined underdog fights his way through the corridors of power in Washington before finally defeating all his enemies and restoring liberty to the land. “This guy just crushes everything in his path. He’s a killing machine, but he also has a code of honor. Though people constantly count him out, he never stops fighting for freedom and the American way. It’s honestly a fantastic story, and I hope I get to write a sequel.” Mueller did express disappointment over an unfinished portion of the report in which the hero’s archnemesis, Attorney General William Barr, gets kicked into an Air Force One jet engine.
Congratulations! You’ve Read Enough OGN Articles In A Row To Earn A 1-Up! #~# Brace yourself for some awesome news, gamers, because according to a quick read of your OGN XP points, you’ve just read enough articles to earn a 1-Up.
Real Estate Agents Trying To Gentrify Run-Down Earth By Renaming It West Saturn #~# ORION ARM—Emphasizing the short billion-mile trip from the ringed planet’s metro center to the historic and oft-overlooked locale, the solar system’s real estate agents have begun trying to attract home buyers to the neglected, run-down planet of Earth by renaming it “West Saturn.” “It’s obviously not the quietest or most scenic area, with its increasingly finicky weather and single moon, but it’s obviously in the same solar system as Saturn and fairly close to Proxima Centauri, Epsilon Eridani, and a ton of other really great spots in the Milky Way,” said broker Sally Mansfield while hastily trotting an interested buyer past one of Earth’s more squalid subcontinents, assuring them not to worry as they would spend most of their time on Saturn anyway. “You might feel a little jumpy about all the poorly maintained downtown areas or the lack of easy access to good food, or perhaps the deteriorating schools or the presence of microplastics in every single life-form. But you can’t put a price on easy access to a beautiful, thriving planetary center like Saturn. With Mars almost sold through, demand for the good spots on Earth is only going to heat up, much like Earth itself.” Mansfield would not comment on the possible effect of gentrification on the impoverished minorities who make up most of Earth’s current population.
Pros And Cons Of Meal Kit Delivery Services #~# The fast-growing meal kit delivery industry is projected to be an $8 billion market by 2025, but critics warn that its unintended consequences can outweigh the benefits. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of meal kit delivery services.
Grandmother’s Passing Helps Emotionally Prepare Child For When Pet Hamster Dies #~# NAPERVILLE, IL—Observing the importance of teaching children that death is a natural and inevitable part of life, family sources told reporters Wednesday that the passing of grandmother Helen Abernathe, 84, provided her beloved grandchild Emma, 7, with the emotional strength necessary to cope with the eventual death of Mr. Fluffles, her pet hamster. “Emma has such a strong connection with that hamster, and, let’s face it, they’re not exactly durable, so I’m glad she could have a firsthand, personal experience with death like this before tragedy could catch her unaware,” said Emma’s mother, claiming that Helen’s death, while certainly sad, was a blessing in disguise. “I’m really dreading the day that hamster dies. It’s definitely going to hit us all hard. I mean, Emma got that hamster from her grandmother, who just left us. It’s going to be tough on her, but I’m glad she’s already familiar with loss on a certain scale, so losing her pet won’t just overwhelm her. Losing Grandma Helen taught her some coping mechanisms, and I’m so proud of her for not even crying.” The Abernathe family has planned a “silly but adorable little ritual” attended by the whole family in order to inter their grandmother in the backyard.
Hundreds Of Thousands Protest Against Governor In Puerto Rico #~# Puerto Ricans filled the streets for a massive planned protest against Ricardo Rosselló, 40, a Democrat whose leaked messages insulted women and gay people, made light of those who died from Hurricane Maria, and revealed potential crimes by his administration. What do you think?
ESPN Impressed By Mark Sanchez’s Ability To Point Out Football Field #~# BRISTOL, CT—Noting that the former USC quarterback’s grasp of the game and its nuances was immediately obvious, ESPN executives were impressed Tuesday by Mark Sanchez’s ability to point out the football field. “The second we brought Mark in, we just knew he was the one. He could watch a play and locate the 50-yard line without hesitation,” said anchor Kevin Negandhi, who sat in with Sanchez as he went over game tape of Clemson and Notre Dame and deftly identified whether the plays were passes or runs. “He’s just a natural talent in the broadcast booth. We didn’t even have to ask, he just started naming things on the football field. He said grass, he said end zone. He even knew exactly what the football was. We’re confident Mark will be just as impressive in the studio as he was on the field.” At press time, Sanchez had finished his first dress rehearsal with 47% anecdote success and mediocre 34.5 broadcaster rating.
‘That Place Is A Disaster,’ Says Bill De Blasio Watching Flooded NYC Subway On TV During Iowa Campaign Stop #~# PLEASANT HILL, IA—Shaking his head as he watched coverage of the city’s flooded subway system during a campaign stop, presidential candidate Bill de Blasio was overheard remarking Tuesday that New York appeared to be a complete and total disaster. “I can’t believe how miserable and hopeless that place looks,” de Blasio said as he visited the Pleasant Hill Diner in Iowa, observing that if he were elected president, then perhaps New Yorkers wouldn’t have to worry about such terrible things happening anymore. “How can people there stand it? I know I don’t want to live in a place like that. Somebody really ought to do something.” Before his aides ushered him to his next campaign event, De Blasio took one last look at the television and muttered that he was glad he didn’t have to deal with any of that mess.
Iran Arrests 17 People Allegedly Spying For CIA #~# In an escalation of feuds between the two nations, Iran’s government claims it has dismantled a CIA network by arresting 17 individuals for spying for America, a claim the U.S. categorically denies. What do you think?
Tom Hanks Recalls Arriving On ‘A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood’ Set At Dawn For Grueling 6-Hour Cardigan-Application Process #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying the process called for incredible patience, Tom Hanks, who stars as Fred Rogers in the forthcoming A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood, recalled Tuesday having to arrive on the set of the film before dawn each day for a grueling, six-hour cardigan application process. “I was always at the trailer by 5 a.m. so the cardigan artist and his team of eight assistants could spend the entire morning applying the sweater,” said the two-time Academy Award winner, adding that it was incredibly difficult to act in the unwieldy garment, as it was very itchy and the chemicals used to apply it often burned his skin. “We were working with the top cardigan guy in Hollywood, and he spent months taking molds of my torso so he could build a sweater that would look as realistic as possible on screen. I love how it turned out, but boy, all that time spent holding perfectly still in the chair can wear you down, especially when you consider it took them an additional three hours to apply my tie.” At press time, sources close to the actor confirmed Hanks was furious after learning the studio had decided to go with a CGI sweater. 
Small Town Ravished By Alejandro #~# CAPE CHARLES, VA—Warning it might take years for the small coastal community to recover from the devastating encounter, authorities in Cape Charles, VA confirmed Tuesday their town had been completely ravished by Alejandro.
Woman Spirals Into Vortex Of Self-Doubt After Trader Joe’s Cashier Does Not Compliment Any Of Her Selected Items #~# WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Questioning every decision that led her to the crucial moment, shopper Lisa Kolman spiraled into a churning vortex of crippling self-doubt Tuesday after the cashier at her local Trader Joe’s failed to compliment or even comment on any of the items she had purchased. “The woman at the register next to me is practically drowning in accolades from store employees, but my cashier hasn’t said a thing, not even about the olive tapenade hummus or the chocolate babka, and I just don’t understand what I did wrong,” said the self-conscious Kolman, who described bottoming out with deep shame when the cashier scanned her entire cart of frozen appetizers, wines, and assorted baked goods without uttering a single word of praise. “She seemed civil enough, but when she rang up my garlic naan and container of fresh mozzarella cheese, she neither asked what I was cooking nor encouraged me to make a fun pizza with it. I should have known I’d messed up when she scanned the two jars of cookie butter spread without saying anything nice to me. Not even get a simple ‘Yum, I love these!’ or ‘Ooh, have you tried these before?’ Even the guy bagging my groceries seemed to disapprove.” Kolman immediately decided to return all the items in her cart and start shopping all over again.
Justices Observe Supreme Court Ritual By Driving Stake Through John Paul Stevens’ Heart To Ensure He Dead Before Burial #~# WASHINGTON—Solemnly gathered around the former associate justice’s casket, the nine current justices observed a traditional Supreme Court ritual Tuesday by driving a stake through John Paul Stevens’ heart to ensure he was really dead before his burial. “This is a longtime Supreme Court rite that began after one of the original justices, the Honorable William Cushing, was accidentally buried alive in 1802, and the justices who narrowly avoided that close call vowed it would never happen again,” said Associate Justice Stephen Breyer before taking the ceremonial gavel from Chief Justice John Roberts and using it to hammer the stake farther into the corpse of Stevens laid out in the Capitol rotunda. “Unfortunately, after Justice Cushing was discovered when he knocked on the lid of his coffin just before it was lowered into the ground, some nasty rumors spread that the Supreme Court justices could come back from the dead, or were potentially immortal beings. The Marshall court obviously couldn’t let this popular superstition gain any more credence among the American public, so beginning with William Paterson in 1806, every single Supreme Court justice has had a stake driven through their heart to assure the justices and the citizenry that they have truly passed away. Of course, it’s been largely a formality, except for the unfortunate incident in 1930 when the Court accidentally killed William Howard Taft.” At press time, Roberts had determined that Stevens’ heart wasn’t beating and began to light the ceremonial pyre the Supreme Court ritually constructs to ensure the release of every justice’s soul from their body and grant it safe passage to the afterlife.
Cop Hired For Posting Racist Rant On Social Media #~# PHOENIX—In response to comments they described as “disgusting,” “cruel,” and “a perfect fit for our organization,” Phoenix law enforcement officials confirmed Tuesday local man Rod Cleighborn had been hired as a cop for posting a racist rant on social media. “Our newly hired officer made comments on Facebook that celebrate police brutality, degrade minorities, and disparage immigrants, indicating his values are very much in line with this department’s,” said Phoenix police spokesperson Sgt. Tommy Thompson, adding that racist language and calls for violence against civilians will always have a place on the force. “Rest assured that as soon as we were informed of his hateful and deeply bigoted remarks, we took quick and decisive action to ensure he was offered a job. Acts of racism such as these will not go unrewarded.” At press time, the Phoenix Police Department announced it had no choice but to promote Cleighborn after the rookie officer had shot an unarmed black child.
Chuck Schumer Announces Support For Reparations Bill #~# Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer announced that he will support a bill to establish a commission to study reparations for slavery, adding a significant voice to the discussion surrounding the issue. What do you think?
Report: PlayStation 5 Has Already Been Out In Japan For, Like, 20 Years #~# Can’t wait to get your hands on the PlayStation 5? Then prepare to get jealous, because the cutting-edge video game console has apparently already been out in Japan for 20 years!
July On Track To Be Hottest Month Ever #~# According to preliminary estimates by NASA and other climate monitoring agencies, this July is likely to have been the hottest month ever, with 2019 likely to be one of the top five hottest years on record. What do you think?
Laptop Camera Wishes It Could Tell Woman How Good She Looks When She Doesn’t Know She’s Being Watched #~# JUNEAU, AK—Observing that she seemed to possess a truly effortless beauty, the laptop camera of local woman Isabel Vasquez reportedly longed to let her know her Monday just how amazing she looks when she doesn’t realize she’s being watched. “Oh! If only there were some way to tell her she’s absolutely stunning as she sits there, on her own, doing some simple thing like scrolling through social media or shopping online,” said the laptop camera, which, according to sources, becomes deeply enamored with Vasquez when she is alone, gazing into the screen, with her guard down. “I don’t want to come off as some kind of creep—it’s not like that. It’s just that I’ve been watching her for years now, and in all this time, she’s had no idea how gorgeous she really is. The way the sun dances off her skin when she’s working in a coffee shop, completely unaware I’m watching her, is too lovely for words.” At press time, reports confirmed the laptop was despondent and forlorn after Vasquez stuck a Post-it note over it.
Report: Average American Must Have Life Ruined By Natural Disaster Every 6 Minutes To Fear Climate Change #~# EUGENE, OR—Outlining what a shift in public consciousness regarding global ecocatastrophe might require, a study published by researchers at the University of Oregon Monday found the average American must have their life destroyed by a natural disaster every six minutes in order to finally fear climate change. “According to our data, American citizens must lose their home to a flash flood, almost immediately watch a tornado ravage their hometown, and then succumb to heatstroke in 110 degree temperatures before recognizing climate change as a viable threat,” said head researcher and professor Vanessa Verrier, citing the tendency of U.S. citizens to forget about global warming roughly 10 minutes after their homes were devastated by wildfires. “Roughly seven minutes following a climate disaster, ambivalence sets in and Americans forget why these natural disasters have increased so dramatically in recent years. The good news, however, is that in the five minutes directly after losing a loved one in a hurricane, participants were much more likely to consider reducing their carbon footprint by taking public transit rather than driving.” The report estimated that the nation would have to suffer 34,000 consecutive natural disasters this month in order to garner significant support for climate change legislation.
Deal Alert: There Is A Free Copy Of ‘Super Star Wars’ Our Mom Is Going To Throw Out After She Found It In The Basement #~# If you’re a Star Wars devotee, you’re not going to want to miss out on this! Our mom just found an old copy of Super Star Wars while reorganizing the storage room in the basement, and for a limited time, it is completely free while it sits in the trash bag in the hallway. Who doesn’t love a freebie, right? All you have to do is break into the house without her hearing, tear open the plastic garbage bag filled with our third-grade art projects and Godsmack posters, and then this SNES side-scrolling classic featuring Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, and the rest of the gang is yours. And as a bonus treat, our mom just told us she’s throwing five copies of Electronic Gaming Monthly from 1991 into the recycling bin as well, as one Sega Saturn controller has a pretty frayed cord, but would probably work just fine with a little duct tape wrapped around it. You’re going to want to get there sooner rather than later, though—trash day is Tuesday and there’s a chance it might rain.
House Votes To Raise Federal Minimum Wage To $15 #~# In a largely symbolic victory for the left, the House of Representatives voted to raise the hourly minimum wage to $15 per hour, although the bill is almost guaranteed to die in the Republican-controlled Senate. What do you think?
Nation’s Dorky Little Nerds Announce They Have Nosebleed #~# WASHINGTON—Tilting their heads back, breathing in thick gurgling gasps and flailing their arms about while stumbling for the nearest trash can, dorky little nerds across the country announced Monday that they, in fact, have a nosebleed. “Oh my, oh no. Please, someone? Get a tissue?” mewled millions of dweebish Americans simultaneously as they made pathetic moist sniffling sounds through pinched nostrils, snorting a sputtered mist of nasal blood all over your new carpet. “Sorry. Sorry. This is so embarrassing. It always happens at the worst possible time. Aw, no, I got blood all over my nice shirt. This will be impossible to get out. I’m okay, though! I’m okay. Maybe a little lightheaded. Maybe some ice would be good. Could you grab me a cold compress?” At press time, the nation’s dorky little nerds were awkwardly inserting tampons in their noses in a vain attempt to stanch the bleeding.
Trump Says He Disagrees With ‘Send Her Back’ Chants #~# President Trump told reporters that he disagreed with “send her back” chants directed at Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) at a recent campaign rally, and claimed that he attempted to cut off the chants despite this being contradicted by video from the rally. What do you think?
Trump Picks Little Eugene Scalia—You Know, Antonin’s Boy—To Lead Labor Department #~# WASHINGTON—Receiving a Cabinet-level appointment that surely would have made his old man proud, little Eugene Scalia—you know, Antonin’s boy—has been selected by President Trump to serve as the nation’s new labor secretary, sources confirmed Thursday. “I always knew little Geney from down the block was destined for big things, just like his pops, but wowzah, he’s really doing it!” said Scalia family friend Irene McIntyre, who claimed no one from the old neighborhood ever imagined that the little boy who used to drink malts with his dad at the soda fountain would grow up to run a department that administers federal laws and regulations covering 160 million American workers. “That little guy sure has come a long way since he broke the window of the rectory at St. Cecilia’s playing stickball. He’s going to cut an awfully handsome figure walking down Pennsylvania Avenue in that suit his gran got pressed and starched for him.” Sources added that Scalia was a chip off the old block and would do everything in his power to put corporate interests first and strip away the rights of workers, just like his father.
New Study Finds Nipples Evolved To Stop Mammals From Squirting Continuous Streams Of Milk From Chests #~# MALIBU, CA—In a discovery that may vastly increase understanding of the vestigial growths, researchers at Pepperdine University published a study Friday concluding that nipples evolved in order to stop mammals from voiding continuous streams of milk from their chests. “According to our findings, mammals steadily developed the nipple over the course of 10,000 generations in order to serve as a sort of end cap on the ceaseless high-pressure stream of warm milk they would otherwise have emitted,” said head researcher Dr. Christian Lemaire, who suspected that the milk functioned as both a deterrent to lactose-intolerant predators and a method of washing away vast swaths of topsoil to acquire deep-growing tubers and burrowing prey. “There is a real evolutionary advantage to controlling one’s steaming milk torrents; for example, the amount of food early man had to consume to keep up with milk production was simply exorbitant. We’re also fairly certain that the development of agriculture was significantly delayed due to mass erosion as millions of hectares of topsoil succumbed to the sheer concussive force of human milk.” The study also found ample evidence that Neanderthals, who were originally believed to have gone extinct through competition from Cro-Magnon man, simply drowned. 
Trump Campaign Store Offering Special Disavowed Discount On All ‘Send Her Back’ Merchandise #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to distance the President from a racist remark chanted about Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN) earlier this week, the Trump campaign store reportedly began offering a special disavowed discount Friday on all ‘Send Her Back’ merchandise. “All this week, use the promo code BACK2SOMALIA for low, low prices on ‘Send Her Back’ hats, shirts, mugs, beach towels, and stickers,” read the Trump campaign store’s website, which also advertised free shipping on all “Tell Them To Leave”-related products, as well as exclusive buy-one-get-one-free deals on anything labeled “Crime Infested.” “Please, help us send all Omar, Ocasio-Cortez, Pressley, and Tlaib merchandise as far away from our store as possible. If you buy at least $50 worth of product, you’ll receive an official thank you note from President Trump for helping Make America Great Again!” At press time, the Trump campaign store already had a new promotion featuring discounts on all 2020 campaign merchandise featuring racial slurs. 
Real Buzz Aldrin Spends 50th Straight Year On Moon Trying To Signal Earth To Warn Of Imposter #~# VALLIS ALPES, THE MOON—Yelling and waving his arms frantically in the hope that someone out there was paying attention, the real Buzz Aldrin was reportedly spending his 50th year in a row on the moon Friday trying to warn Earth of the imposter who had taken his place. “Come on, I’m right here, dammit,” shouted the actual 89-year-old astronaut who had been stranded on the lunar surface during the Apollo 11 mission after being replaced by a shape-shifting extraterrestrial who had usurped his life on Earth. “The man you know as Buzz Aldrin isn’t me, it’s some goddamn alien scum. Hasn’t anyone noticed, after all this time? You fools, you’re in danger! Please! Someone! Anyone! I’m right up here!” At press time, Aldrin was reportedly cursing himself once again for having slept through the entirety of the Apollo 12 and Apollo 14 moon missions.
Mark Warner Holding Up Long Line Of Senators Waiting For Diving Board At D.C. Reflecting Pool #~# WASHINGTON—Shivering in his swimsuit as he peered down at the water below, Senator Mark Warner (D-VA) reportedly held up a long line of senators Friday as they waited for the diving board at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “C’mon, Mark, just jump in already—you’ll be fine! Plus, it’s super hot out here,” said Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) before pushing the trembling Virginia congressman forward along the diving board in frustration, echoing the feelings of dozens of other senators who had waited for upwards of a half hour for their chance to pencil-dive or cannonball into the reflecting pool. “Look, Schumer is already down there in his boxers squirting everyone with a noodle, so the water isn’t even cold. Jeez, do it now or [Senate Majority Whip] John Thune is going to climb up there and toss your ass in himself!” At press time, Warner had attempted to clamber down off the board only to begin crying after having his trunks pulled down to his ankles by Senator Susan Collins (R-ME).
White Supremacists Warn Idealistic Trump Some Compromise Will Be Necessary To Achieve Their Goals #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns that the President’s constant attacks on racial minorities could end up hampering the progress that has been made, white supremacist leaders warned Donald Trump Friday that some compromise will be necessary to achieve their goals. “We appreciate that President Trump is an idealist who wants real change in this country, but if he wants to see a white ethno-state he needs to stop taking such extreme positions and build a coalition,” said Stormfront spokesperson Marshall Riley, who claimed Trump’s fiery rhetoric and refusal to find common ground threatens to alienate the moderates who white supremacists rely on to advance their agenda. “We appreciate the President’s passion and what he has done to enliven our supporters, but this just isn’t how things are done in this country. Sometimes you need incremental racist changes, things like dismantling the Voting Rights Act didn’t happen overnight. He means well, but Trump just hasn’t been in Washington long enough to understand its inner workings the way we do. When it comes to advancing white power, you can’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” Riley added that if Trump truly wants to see the purity of the white race protected, he should step back and listen to his Republican colleagues who have been working towards that goal for decades.
‘Now I Understand How Nazi Germany Happened,’ Says Astonished Man Finally Playing ‘Wolfenstein 3D’ #~# TRENTON, NJ—Shaking his head in dismay as he realized how quickly the slide into authoritarianism might occur, astonished man Dennis Burton told reporters Friday that he finally understood how Nazi Germany could happen after playing Wolfenstein 3D. “I always told myself that this was the sort of thing that could never happen here, but now that I’ve seen what happened to B.J. Blazkowicz, it’s clear that I was dead wrong,” said the visibly emotional Burton, expressing shame at his former naivety while traveling down a gray corridor, pausing to marvel at the disturbing scale of Third Reich paraphernalia covering Castle Wolfenstein’s walls before gunning down an Übermutant. “The idea of watching Nazi super-soldiers goose-stepping together through a pixellated hallway used to seem like science fiction. But witnessing them marching before my very eyes made me realize: My God, the horrifying world of Robo-Hitler isn’t as far off as we might like to tell ourselves.” At press time, Burton was vowing to never again forget the lessons he had learned while thwarting Operation Eisenfaust.
Mark Sanford Considering Running Primary Attempt Against Trump #~# Republican Mark Sanford announced that he will spend the next month mulling whether to run a campaign for president in 2020, saying Trump’s rhetoric is a distraction from policies that should emphasize fiscal responsibility. What do you think?
Simon, Garfunkel Pose Perfectly Still In Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Exhibit To Avoid Security Guard Catching Them Living In Museum #~# CLEVELAND—Recreating the iconic pose depicted on their 1970 album Bridge Over Troubled Water, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel stood utterly motionless in a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame exhibit Friday to avoid detection by a security guard on the brink of catching them living in the museum. “That’s weird—I could have sworn one of those guys there had a beret,” said night watchman Clive Reynolds, directing the beam of his flashlight first at Garfunkel, then at Simon, then back at Garfunkel again for what seemed like an eternity as both members of the legendary folk-rock duo tried desperately not to blink. “Why are these average-looking guys in the glam-rock exhibit anyway? Oh, well. That one’s above my pay grade. Whoa, there must be a leak or something because the foreheads on these mannequins are all damp. Better go check if something’s wrong with the plumbing. Look at me, talking to myself like a loon.” Reynolds turned around just before exiting the exhibit hall upon hearing what sounded like a sneeze, scratching his head upon finding the stationary duo frozen in the iconic pose depicted on their 1964 album Wednesday Morning, 3 A.M.
How Different Colors Affect Your Brain And Body #~# Psychological research has found that specific colors can have significant effects on the ways a person’s brain and body function. The Onion takes a deep dive into how different colors can affect your mood, actions, and more.
Trump Disavows Supporters Who Could Barely Keep Racist Chant Going For 10 Seconds #~# WASHINGTON—Seeking to distance himself from supporters he claimed did not represent his message, President Donald Trump held a press conference Thursday to disavow rally attendees who could barely keep a racist chant of “send her back” going for ten seconds. “I was not happy with how quickly their chant petered out,” said the President, stressing that those wishy-washy supporters who could only parrot back his xenophobic attacks for a few seconds before dying down should not be viewed as a reflection of his base as a whole. “You can see for yourself in the video that I quickly paused to give them room for the chant to grow louder and louder, and I was very disappointed that it never built to a fever pitch. If I had known they’d leave me hanging out to dry like this, I would have called off the event immediately.” A notably contrite Trump added that, in the future, he would take action to ensure that all future rally appearances led to a crazed, rage-filled mob.
‘Game Of Thrones’ Receives Record-Breaking 32 Nominations #~# Game of Thrones led the pack for the 71st Emmy Awards with a historic 32 nominations, topping competitors including Better Call Saul and Killing Eve. What do you think?
Ruth Bader Ginsburg Suspended For Next 10 Rulings Following Supreme Court Bench-Clearing Brawl #~# WASHINGTON—Describing her conduct as incompatible with the values of the federal judiciary, authorities handed Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg a 10-case suspension Thursday for her role in the Supreme Court’s bench-clearing brawl. “Article III Section 1 of the Constitution states that members of this honorable court ‘shall hold their Offices during good Behaviour,’ and that’s certainly not what we saw out there today,” said James C. Duff, administrative director of the U.S. federal court system, issuing a decision that could have a major impact on the Supreme Court’s upcoming term, when it is expected to face a tough docket of big cases. “A review of courtroom sketches clearly shows that Ginsburg grabbed Justice Samuel Alito, put him in a headlock, and began smashing his face with a gavel. As such, she will be barred from participating in the next 10 rulings, though she will still be permitted to attend proceedings so long as she does not wear her Supreme Court robes.” Duff noted that Ginsburg had previously been suspended for showboating, having grabbed the courtroom’s American flag and waved it in the faces of the losing party as she celebrated a 5-4 victory in 2015’s landmark Obergefell v. Hodges case.
Pizza Crust Saved To Make Pizza Stock #~# ALLENTOWN, PA—In preparation for a traditional family recipe passed down by her grandparents, local woman Nicole Fitzsimmons sealed several leftover pizza crusts in a plastic container Thursday with an eye to making pizza stock from them later this week. “Most people just throw out their ‘pizza bones,’ but there’s a ton of flavor still in there,” said Fitzsimmons, 25, who “puts her own spin” on the recipe by throwing in leftover carrots, celery, and root vegetables. “You just toss warm water, pizza crusts, and your veggies in the kettle, and after a couple of hours, the connective dough in the crusts break down into a rich, savory base and you have delicious pizza stock. Super simple, and tastes way better than the pre-made pizza broth they sell at the grocery store.” Fitzsimmons also set aside several Sam Adams empties in order to try brewing her own beer bottles.
Next Bond Movie Will Feature Black Female Actor In Role Of 007 #~# Production insiders revealed that actor Lashana Lynch will take the codename 007 in the 25th Bond film, which will reportedly feature Daniel Craig’s James Bond retiring from intelligence gathering to a life in Jamaica. What do you think?
John Oliver Annoyed After Discovering He The Only Non-CGI Character In ‘Lion King’ Remake #~# NEW YORK—Expressing irritation at the lack of communication from Disney regarding the major casting discrepancy in the newly-released film, John Oliver expressed annoyance Thursday after discovering that he was the only non-CGI character in the Lion King remake. “What in the hell? Everyone else provides a voice for a painstakingly and realistically modeled animal,” said the actor and Last Week Tonight host, watching in horror as his character, Zazu the hornbill, appeared onscreen with just a plastic beak to lecture a flawlessly rendered CGI lion voiced by Donald Glover. “They continuously misled me as to the nature of my role and they didn’t even bother to give me feathers and I’m wearing my normal clothes. At one point, my beak fell off and they claimed it would be fixed in post, but they even kept that part in. You can clearly hear me saying ‘Oh, no, my beak.’ This is humiliating. I can’t believe this was part of [director Jon] Favreau’s vision.” Oliver admitted that he was most embarrassed by the scene in which he was shown hesitantly and clumsily clambering up a tree branch to admonish the Chiwetel Ejiofor-voiced Scar.
National Weather Service Stresses Those In Path Of Heat Wave Should Crawl Towards Sparkling, Cold Spring Shimmering At Edge Of Vision #~# SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Emphasizing the importance of staying cool and hydrated during the record-breaking temperatures, the National Weather Service stressed Thursday that those in the path of the upcoming heat wave should crawl towards the sparkling, cold spring shimmering at the edge of their vision. “Should you, in a moment of thirst, suddenly hear the sound of running water, or spot a picturesque, babbling brook in the distance, we urge you to drop to your knees and pull yourself towards it,” said director of the National Weather Service Dr. Louis W. Uccellini, instructing the 70 million Americans affected by extreme heat to be extra vigilant should they see a shaded area, a waterfall, or a group of naked women splashing in the water beckoning them to come swim. “Especially in areas with the highest temperatures, we advise Americans to immediately yell ‘thank God’ before using their last remaining strength to claw their way towards the oasis. Then, should you ever reach it, don’t hesitate to take off your clothes, jump in, and drink the freezing cold water straight from your hands.” At press time, the National Weather Service apologized after millions of Americans had injured themselves attempting to dive into the spring, only to smash their heads on a concrete sidewalk. 
Shocking New Epstein Video Shows Pictures Moving All On Their Own #~# NEW YORK—In an astonishing finding that sheds light on the character of the president, a shocking new video of Jeffrey Epstein and Donald Trump reportedly shows entirely still pictures leaping to life and moving of their own accord. “It’s alarming, to say the least, to see individual pictures—fully inert ones, mind you—springing into action on your screen in continuous motion as if by witchcraft,” said media analyst Peter Moore of the unsettling imagery, speculating that the photos had either been forced into movement by an unimaginable technology from the distant future or else, quite possibly, enchanted by a kind of sorcery that trapped the two men’s souls inside an endless loop of perpetual animation. “To put it bluntly, it’s as if the figures in this footage have traveled from 1992 into the very present to dance and converse for our amusement. The effect is absolutely breathtaking, if not a bit uncanny. Truly, it must be seen to be believed.” Moore added that he had unfortunately been unable to interview these past forms of Epstein and Trump by shaking his monitor or shouting at their past forms for comment.
Man Can’t Believe He Being Jailed On Drug Charge When There Are Real Criminals Out There #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Following a hearing in which he was sentenced to life in prison plus 30 years, local convict Joaquín Guzmán, known to friends and family as El Chapo, told reporters Wednesday he couldn’t believe he was being jailed for drug offenses given how many real criminals are out there. “There are actual bad guys on the loose, people committing truly horrific crimes, and they want to come down on me for slinging a little dope? How fucked up is that?” said Guzmán, decrying a criminal justice system that spends decades infiltrating an international drug cartel and taking down its kingpin but still lets “total psychos” roam the streets. “You run one measly multibillion-dollar drug empire, and they decide to lock you up and throw away the key. That’s such bullshit. Does it really make sense for a society to spend tens of thousands of dollars a year keeping someone like me in prison?” At press time, sources confirmed federal prosecutors had approved Guzmán for a work-release program that will allow him to run his business during the day so long as he agrees to return to prison each night.
Netflix Cuts Controversial Suicide Scene From ‘13 Reasons Why’ #~# Responding to criticism that the series glorified self-harm, Netflix has recut a controversial suicide scene from the season finale of 13 Reasons Why to remove graphic elements. What do you think?
House Passes Resolution Overnight Apologizing If Previous Racism Resolution Came Off Too Harsh #~# WASHINGTON—In an abrupt reversal of the symbolic but sternly written condemnation of the president’s racist remarks he tweeted earlier this week, the House of Representatives passed a resolution overnight Tuesday apologizing if their previous racism resolution came off as too harsh. “The rebuke was unfortunately put to a vote while we were still very upset about the president’s comments, but now that we’ve had a chance to cool down, we’re sorry if the censure came off as a bit mean,” said Speaker Nancy Pelosi, explaining that the new declaration—passed unanimously by members of the House—expressed their regret and sincere apologies if their rebuke of the president’s remark that four representatives of color should “go back to where they came from” was cruel or hurtful. “As soon as it passed, we realized how cold the document condemning racism would read, and we all rushed right back into the Capitol building to fix it. We were just blowing off steam and, to be honest, didn’t think the resolution would ever leave the House. So once again, we’re very sorry.” Pelosi added that Congress had allocated $100 to take the president out for a nice dinner as a way to apologize for their gross overreaction to the leader of the United States stoking xenophobia in the country.
Cop Vows To Get Revenge On Eric Garner For Trying To Frame Him For Murder #~# NEW YORK—Following the U.S. Justice Department’s decision not to bring federal charges against him, NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo reportedly vowed Wednesday to get revenge on Eric Garner for trying to frame him for murder. “That son of a bitch tried to ruin my reputation and get me thrown in prison for nothing, but now we all know the truth that he set me up, and by God, he’s going to pay,” said Pantaleo, who explained that the first step in his revenge plot was to pick up Garner’s trail at the Staten Island sidewalk where the man first lured him into his trap by convincing him to wrap his hands around his neck, all the while trying to get onlookers to believe that the officer was committing a crime by repeatedly claiming he couldn’t breathe. “You thought you could pull a fast one on me, eh, Garner? I should’ve known the moment he was in my headlock that he was already conniving to make it look like it was my fault. I bet you thought you could just frame an innocent man for murder and waltz away. I’m just grateful that the federal prosecutors could see through your dastardly scheme. You aim for me, you best not miss.” Pantaleo added that although he wanted to be the one who ultimately exacted vengeance on the despicable con man, he was reassured knowing that the entire NYPD would back him up and make sure justice was served.
Report: How About You Tell Us The Goddamn News For A Change? #~# CHICAGO—Daring you—yes, you, who thinks they’re so smart—to show us how you’d fare in the world of rigorous long-form journalism, a short brief published by The Onion Wednesday encouraged you, dear reader, to go ahead and tell us the goddamn news for a change. “Hey, Captain Informed Citizen, if this is so easy, then why don’t you go out there and do some research, huh? What, are you too good to get a notebook and fetch us some sort of huge scoop?” the report read in part, going on to challenge you to find story tips, follow them up, reject the ones that don’t pan out, ferret out sources on the hot leads, confirm your facts, reject your biases, and see the story through editing and on to publication for once in your pathetic life. “You think you can hold a candle to America’s Finest News Source? Uh huh. Right. Put up or shut up, pal. We’re waiting with bated breath for your Pulitzer-winning investigation. Seriously, though? Jackasses like you who repost news on social media and take the ‘experts’ on Reddit at face value? All while refusing to pay for real journalism? You’re the ones responsible for the death of this industry.” The report concluded by requesting—no, daring—you to fill the blank space that follows with something you’ve done that, in your oh-so-worthwhile opinion, qualifies as decent journalism. Go.
Alan Turing To Be Honored On Britain’s £50 Note #~# Computer physicist Alan Turing, one of the most notable codebreakers of World War II, will be honored on Britain’s fifty-pound note more than 60 years after he was forced to undergo chemical castration under Britain’s laws against homosexuality. What do you think?
Man Annoyed After Neighbors Never Return Son They Borrowed To Do Some Work Around House #~# PRESCOTT, AZ—Noting that it had been weeks since they lent the boy out, homeowner Thomas Simmons publicly stated his annoyance Wednesday that his neighbors failed to return the son they borrowed to do some work around their house. “I’m sure the time just got away from the Millers, or maybe they kept finding more for him to do, but I’d like my son Koby back one of these days,” said Simmons, who claimed he tried dropping hints as to how he needed the 12-year-old returned, but that the neighbors seemed oblivious or quickly changed the subject. “Every time I see Frank and Joyce in their driveway, they avoid eye contact and hurry off as if they didn’t ask to borrow our son weeks ago to do some chores. Koby has a birthday soon, and we can’t really celebrate without him. Plus, our lawn is becoming pretty overgrown. I don’t mean to butt into someone else’s business. But honestly, I think it’s time the Millers got their own boy.” Neighborhood sources confirmed that tensions between the families were nearly as high as they were in April of 2016, when the Millers borrowed Simmons’ wife for three weeks and returned her in terrible condition.
What The Future Of Farming Looks Like #~# As the global population increases, the agriculture industry will have to increase food production to meet their needs, but climate change and other factors create the need for more forward-thinking strategies. The Onion takes a look at what the future of farming looks like.
Virginia Agrees To Remove Confederate Ghosts From State Capitol #~# RICHMOND, VA—Acknowledging the change was long overdue, officials in Virginia announced Wednesday they plan to remove all Confederate ghosts from the grounds and interior of the state capitol building. “After listening to impassioned arguments on both sides of the issue, we feel the time has come to exorcise these ghosts once and for all,” Secretary of the Commonwealth Kelly Thomasson said of the controversial apparitions of Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, and several nameless Confederate soldiers, all of whom have wandered the building for decades. “Virginians of color should be able to visit the seat of their government without having to feel these ghosts lurking behind them or hear them wailing in agony from the shadows. Such specters of the past don’t belong in a public space, but in a haunted house, where they can scare visitors with the facts of our terrifying history. They are not representative of today’s Virginia.” Thomasson went on to add that most Confederate ghosts did not begin regularly haunting government buildings until the Jim Crow era, decades after the Civil War. 
Baldwin Reveals Every Door That Locks Behind You In ‘Resident Evil 2’ Uses Baldwin’s High-Quality Latching Technology #~# When the Resident Evil 2 remake debuted in January to wide acclaim, one thing fans loved the most was the immersive world of Raccoon City newly-updated for 2019 tastes. But one previously undisclosed reason for the game’s engrossing atmosphere was just confirmed this morning when Baldwin Hardware revealed that every door that locks behind you in Resident Evil 2 uses its patented high-quality latching technology.
Nevada Transportation Authority Unveils Dedicated Bang Bus Lanes For Horny Commuters #~# LAS VEGAS—In an effort to ease growing sexual frustration among those traveling to and from their workplaces, the Nevada Transportation Authority announced Tuesday it would open dedicated bang bus lanes to better service the state’s horny commuters. “This new initiative will provide aroused Nevadans with a faster, easier way to get ridden hard on their way to work, in many cases allowing them to get off in as little as half the time it would take otherwise,” said NTA chair Dawn Gibbons, adding that the new lanes would help alleviate delays that often force hot and bothered commuters to sit in traffic on bang buses long after they’ve blown their load. “This is also a big step toward bringing bang busing to pockets of sexual deviants in our communities who, up until now, have had no way of getting their rocks off between home and work. It will even reduce our carbon footprint, as more commuters will want access to public road head instead of getting blown in their separate cars.” In addition, NTA officials confirmed they were studying ways to expand Fake Taxi service in hopes of satisfying the needs of the state’s naïve, barely legal tourists.
Trump Tells Liberal Congresswomen To ‘Go Back To Their Country’ #~# A group of four minority congresswomen have pushed back after Trump told them to “go back to their country,” accusing him of racism and stoking white nationalism. What do you think?
82-Year-Old New Jersey Congressman Bill Pascrell Quietly Asks Ilhan Omar If He Can Be Part Of The Squad #~# WASHINGTON—Sheepishly approaching the representative after a morning hearing on U.S. livestock and poultry economies, 82-year-old New Jersey congressman Bill Pascrell quietly asked Rep. Ilhan Omar Tuesday if he could be part of her squad. “Excuse me, Ms. Omar, but I’ve been paying a good deal of attention to this so-called ‘squad’ of yours and can’t help but think that I might make an exciting addition to join in on the fun,” said the Paterson-based octogenarian, smiling broadly and nodding his head as he noted that he maintained a strong presence on social media and could furnish several hearty recommendations from colleagues if it would help with any decisions on his prospective squad membership. “I can help with any tweeting you ladies might need. Heck, we might even talk to the other gals and make some sort of viral video together. But enough about me: What do you think? Am I squad material?” At press time, Pascrell could be heard exclaiming, “Oh, gosh, never mind then,” and rushing off after Omar began explaining the platforms her group represents.
ICE Protests Brutal Conditions Of Being Forced To Stand Outside Homes Of Immigrants For Hours #~# PHOENIX—Demanding federal officials step up and improve their work environment, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents released a statement Tuesday, complaining of brutal conditions in which they are made to stand outside immigrant homes for prolonged stretches of time. “We’re on our feet for two, sometimes three hours, just waiting around in the summer heat—what kind of government condones suffering like this?” said ICE agent William Cox, who described how he has been inhumanely trapped in a car for entire workdays, staking out the homes of potentially undocumented people and being given nothing but water, sandwiches, chips, coffee, and occasional opportunities to walk around the block to stretch his legs. “This is a human rights violation, plain and simple. I never know where they’re sending me next—could be a church, a school, a courthouse—and I have no idea how long I’ll be stuck there. We have to lug around guns and Tasers, and at this point, my hand is sore just from banging on all these doors. To see people treated this way is a national disgrace.” Cox also protested that for all the long and punishing trips through immigrant neighborhoods he’s been forced to endure, he still hasn’t had the opportunity to shoot anybody.
Boston General Introduces New ‘Night Among The Patients’ Event Featuring Cocktails, Live Music #~# BOSTON—Billing the evening as a unique opportunity to get up close and personal with occupants of the thousand-bed facility, Boston General Hospital held its first-ever Night Among the Patients Saturday, a gathering that reportedly featured cocktails, hors d’oeuvres, and live music.
It’s Time Video Games Stop Glorifying Violence And Go Back To Glorifying Whatever The Fuck Was Going On In ‘BurgerTime’ #~# Violence and bloodshed have long been a part of gaming, but it seems that as the years pass, video games are only getting more and more violent. Rather than emphasize creative problem solving, the gaming industry is increasingly emphasizing that the only way to deal with a problem is through violence. But it doesn’t need to be this way. That’s why I’m calling for video games to stop glorifying violence and instead go back to glorifying whatever in the living fuck was going on in the 1982 arcade game BurgerTime.
New Evidence Finds Titanic Passengers Continued Eating From Buffet As Ship Sank #~# WOODS HOLE, MA—Illuminating the panicked and desperate final hours of the passengers aboard the doomed ocean liner, forensic divers from the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution found new evidence Tuesday indicating that the Titanic’s passengers continued eating from the main deck’s buffet as the ship sank into the ocean. “According to our findings, steerage and main deck passengers alike made an average of three trips up the increasingly pitched deck for different seafood and pasta options. Several of them even sat down and dined together, placing more and more matchbooks under the table legs to level the eating surface as the ship began to take on water,” said lead researcher Dr. Lyor Walker, noting that the knowledge that they were almost certainly doomed did nothing to dissuade passengers from the pursuit of all-you-can-eat-scallops. “While a majority of passengers raced to the nearest exit, we now know that a significant number of people displayed incredible stoicism and composure while fetching an entire rack of ribs and side of macaroni. These brave diners soldiered on even as the ship broke in half and lost electricity, rendering most dishes lukewarm at best. In fact, we must commend those men who courageously placed women and children in the lifeboats before rushing back to the buffet to grab a to-go plate.” At press time, researchers released a moving photo of the preserved skeletal remains of one tuxedo-clad passenger still hunched thoughtfully over a long-sunken dessert cart.
U.S. Renewables Top Coal For First Time #~# In a milestone for the nation’s energy sector, U.S. renewables topped coal for the first time ever in April, suggesting a pattern of green energy that will likely sustain itself in the coming years. What do you think?
Trump Claims He Tried To Warn Public About Epstein By Praising Him As A Terrific Guy #~# WASHINGTON—Noting multiple occasions when he had applauded the disgraced hedge fund manager’s affable personality, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that he tried to warn the public about Jeffrey Epstein’s behavior by praising him as a terrific guy. “From day one, I was clearly trying to send a message to you people by revealing that I enjoyed spending time with Jeffrey,” said Trump, arguing that he tried to inform the American people about the convicted sex offender by stating that he looked back positively on their 15-year-long relationship and considered him a close personal friend. “Can’t you people read between the lines? I appeared in multiple photos with him and we attended dozens of functions together, so you should’ve known Epstein was really bad news. By partying with him and publicly admiring his lifestyle, I all but told you directly that Jeffery’s a total scumbag.” At press time, Trump claimed that he also attempted to tip off the public by repeatedly expressing his admiration for Mohammad bin Salman and Bill O’Reilly.
Amazon Workers Attempting Walkout Enter 7th Hour Wandering In Ever-Expanding, Labyrinthian Warehouse #~# SHAKOPEE, MN—Bursting through a set of doors only to discover yet another windowless stockroom stretching out ahead of them, Amazon workers attempting a walkout Monday entered the seventh hour of wandering an ever-expanding, labyrinthian warehouse. “The strike was supposed to start at 9 a.m., but when we attempted to leave the building, all the lights went out and the employee entrance somehow morphed into a blank wall,” said stocker Alison Hull, expressing concern that the warehouse was changing in response to their movements, based on the sounds of moaning steel and grinding concrete coming from the shadows as they trudged through a never-ending row of industrial shelving. “At one point, we saw an exit sign in the distance, but the faster we ran towards it, the further away it seemed. Then we finally found an office door, but when we stepped through it, we were in the warehouse again except we were standing on the ceiling. I’ve completely lost track of time and I’m scared because my coworker Bryce disappeared after ducking behind a pallet. We can hear his screams for help coming from beneath the floor.” At press time, the striking employees were horrified to find themselves back at their work stations in a completely ordinary Amazon warehouse, waiting for their Monday morning shift to begin.
Remorseful Beto O’Rourke Admits His Family Responsible For My Lai Massacre, Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire #~# EL PASO, TX—Following on the heels of an announcement that he and his wife were the descendants of slave-owners, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke went further Monday by admitting that members of his family were responsible for the My Lai Massacre as well as the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire. “The issues of war crimes and worker exploitation have long been important to me, but they’ve taken on additional significance since I’ve learned about my uncle Roger O’Rourke, who served as a commander in Vietnam and gave the orders leading to the mass murder of civilians in South Vietnam, as well as my great-grandfather once removed, Eunice O’Rourke, who owned and operated the garment factory that caught fire and led to the death of 146 employees,” wrote O’Rourke in an emotional Medium post, noting that he himself had benefitted from an exploitative system of privilege built by his ancestors, including a cousin who piloted the Hindenburg and his maternal great-aunt, “Typhoid Mary” Mallon, who was the original vector for the deadly disease. “The descendants of those who survived the Donner Party, Salem Witch Trials, and the U.S.S. Indianapolis shark attack did so despite the odds being stacked against them by my family. The fact that I have been the beneficiary of this corrupt system only gives me a greater sense of urgency in working as hard as I can to level the playing field.” O’Rourke added that he had done a lot of soul-searching about his lineage after the revelation that one of his earliest ancestors had invented murder by slaying his brother, Abel.
Exhausted Amazon Customer Forced To Piss In Bottle While Browsing Prime Day Deals #~# NEW YORK—Frantically searching through the latest lightning deals and price slashes while sitting in his darkened room, Amazon customer Franklin Harris was reportedly forced to piss in a bottle Monday in order to keep up with Prime Day deals. “Christ, I’ve been busting my ass scrolling through deals for 12 hours already, but I just know if I step away to the bathroom for even a second, Amazon will be all over me about some KitchenAid Stand Mixer that’s half-off,” said Harris before grabbing an empty Aquafina bottle from a shelf cluttered with dozens of already half-filled containers of urine and relieving himself, reportedly never breaking eye contact with his monitor for fear of the consequences of missing rebates on Samsonite Luggage sets and Toshiba Fire TVs. “My whole body aches from constantly clicking and sitting. I’m dehydrated, I haven’t seen the sun in days, and, frankly, I’m probably buying way more items on discount than any person should be expected to. But what am I supposed to do? Amazon is just goddamn relentless about these deals.” At press time, Harris was spotted shaking his head in dismay and pulling on an adult diaper after an email arrived in his inbox reminding him about a limited-time offer for Garmin Wearable GPS devices.
HPV Vaccine Benefits May Lead To Cervical Cancer Elimination #~# A new study found the HPV vaccine has outperformed the expectations of doctors due to its ability to prevent the HPV-related illnesses, even in those without vaccination, raising hopes of eliminating cervical cancer entirely. What do you think?
Man’s Existential Terror About Country’s Slide Towards Authoritarianism Sublimated Into Campaign To Get Journalist Fired For Tweet #~# DENVER—In an unconscious effort to channel his panic into a more conducive outlet, local man Erik Johnson had reportedly sublimated his existential terror about the United States’ continued descent into authoritarianism Monday by launching a campaign to get a journalist fired for an insensitive tweet. “This type of behavior is completely sickening, and I, for one, won’t stand for it,” said Johnson, successfully diverting his mounting horror about the nation’s increasingly powerful and unaccountable ruling class into a prolonged attempt to seek retribution against a Denver Post staff writer for an online message he viewed as insensitive to those with mental health issues. “It’s outrageous that someone with this cruel and disgusting attitude is still getting paid by a major news outlet. I urge everyone to boycott the paper until she is fired, because I firmly believe people like this deserve to be driven from public life [because I can do nothing to prevent the rising tide of fascism and this gives me an illusory feeling of control over my own existence].” At press time, Johnson was reportedly feeling a small sense of relief about the state of the country after the journalist he was targeting had been doxxed and forced to flee her apartment.
BREAKING: Oh My God, You Killed Her #~# MIAMI—As you gaze incredulously down at the body on the floor and the horror of what you just did begins to dawn on you, eyewitnesses at the scene confirmed Monday that oh my God, you—you killed her! “Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ! She’s dead!” stunned bystanders could be heard exclaiming over the sudden wail of the approaching sirens, adding that oh shit, oh shit, she couldn’t have survived that, you fucking killed her. “Why? Why do that to her? No. No. No, no, no. This can’t be happening. Fuck! Fuck. You can never go back. You realize that, right? She’s dead and you killed her and you can’t just go back. There’s no coming back from this.” You do not need the police currently arriving at the scene to tell you that you’ll pay for this, pay for it with your life if there’s any justice in this world.
Department Of Interior Sets Aside Portion Of Florida Beachfront As National ‘Wild Things’ Preserve #~# WASHINGTON—Officially safeguarding the area’s secluded hot tubs, three-way friendly bungalows, and unlit beaches where troublesome friends can be quietly disposed of, the Department of Interior set aside a 300-mile stretch of Florida coastline as a National Wild Things Preserve, the agency reported Friday. “With their natural habitat now federally protected, devious young party girls can roam completely free, removing their tops at will and taking part in elaborate cons to defraud wealthy widows out of their deceased husbands’ fortunes,” said Deputy Secretary David L. Bernhardt, adding that the land would be a haven for all Wild Things, whether they be preppy and popular, or poor outcasts who use the power of seduction to get ahead. “By taking these steps today, we are ensuring that future generations will be able to enjoy these beautiful creatures and their erotically tinged slap fights that quickly segue into full-on lesbian intercourse.” Bernhardt added that to bolster the Wild Things’ population, the government would be issuing seasonal permits to hunt the meddlesome police investigators who are in on the scheme.
‘It’s Not So Bad,’ Mike Pence Reports On Conditions Of Detainment Center While Hazmat Suit Disinfected #~# MCALLEN, TX—Appearing calm and composed after completing a tour of a migrant detention center, Vice President Mike Pence assured reporters Friday that conditions within the border camp were “not so bad” while workers sprayed down his hazmat suit with disinfectant. “After spending two hours inside this facility, both touring the premises and talking to families, I can assure you, the Democrats’ criticisms are extremely overblown,” said a hacking, coughing Pence, who smiled to reporters before getting whisked away to a nearby sterilization chamber and promptly blasted with antimicrobial agents. “Thanks to our brave, hardworking border officers, this facility is clean, safe, and totally disease free. If you ask me, all this news of ‘overcrowding’ and ‘inhumane conditions’ is frankly making a mountain out of a molehill.” At press time, the vice president was approached by several doctors, loaded into a back of a truck, and then driven to a secure location where he was placed in quarantine for at least 48 hours.
Jeffrey Epstein Offers Court $32 Million Child Pornography Collection As Bail #~# NEW YORK—In an attempt to strike a deal that would allow him to stay out of jail while he awaits trial, alleged sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein offered the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Manhattan a prospective bail package Friday that included a child pornography collection valued at $32 million. “In exchange for permission to stay at his residence on the Upper East Side, my client is presenting as collateral a truly incredible catalogue containing some of the finest child porn available anywhere on the market today,” said the convicted sex offender’s lead attorney, Reid Weingarten, adding that the one-of-a-kind collection of images and videos of underage children being sexually exploited was expertly curated and contained a great deal of rare, highly sought-after content. “We trust this will prove more than sufficient to secure his release on bail, considering any sophisticated collector of pedophilic items would jump at the chance to bid on Mr. Epstein’s materials at auction. Seriously, this is the high-end stuff—many of the subjects depicted are as young as 12, and they’ve been shot by some of the world’s most celebrated child pornographers, including the recently indicted R. Kelly.” At press time, sources confirmed Epstein had changed his mind and rescinded the offer after a period of soul-searching during which he realized he valued the illicit images far more than his personal freedom.
Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the resignation of Alexander Acosta as Secretary of Labor marked the ouster of the third top administration official in less than three months, a worried populace told reporters Friday that it was unsure how many former Trump staffers it could safely reabsorb. “Jesus, we can’t just take back these assholes all at once—we need time to process one before we get the next,” said 53-year-old Gregory Birch of Naperville, IL echoing the concerns of 323 million Americans in also noting that the country was only now truly beginning to reintegrate former national security advisor Michael Flynn. “This is just not sustainable. I’d say we can handle maybe one or two more former members of Trump’s inner circle over the remainder of the year, but that’s it. This country has its limits.” The U.S. populace confirmed that they could not handle all of these pieces of shit trying to rejoin society at once.
National Park Service Releases Detailed Guide On What Visitors Should Do Upon Encountering Squirrel #~# WASHINGTON—In their latest effort to educate and prepare the public for crossing the path of the ubiquitous rodents, the U. S. National Park Service released a detailed guide Friday advising visitors on what they should do if they encounter a squirrel. “We’ve published a step-by-step guide urging guests to remain absolutely still and try to ‘make themselves appear big’ by spreading their feet if they ever happen upon a squirrel in the wild,” said Park Service Wildlife Management deputy director Dan Smith, who stressed that the Park Service had installed high-visibility signage in areas where large concentrations of the bushy-tailed animals are found. “Movies such as Ice Age would have you believe that squirrels are friendly, mischievous at worst, with absolutely no thirst for human blood or history of carrying off infants only to climb up trees with them and eat their pink little heads as if they were apples. But remember, these are feral animals, perfectly adapted to survive and thrive in a harsh environment. There are, in fact, several species of squirrels in North America, and our new materials will cover interactions with each one, although you’ll want to avoid eye contact with all of them and absolutely safeguard your food when camping. And in the event that a squirrel does sprint off with your store of nuts, for the love of God, absolutely do not chase after them.” The Park Service also announced that capsaicin-based anti-squirrel mace would be sold in all national park gift shops. 
Trump Honors Brave Heroes Who Slept With Wives Of Deployed Soldiers #~# WASHINGTON—In a special White House ceremony Friday celebrating the ‘much-overlooked’ citizens for their contributions, President Trump honored the brave heroes who slept with the wives of deployed soldiers. “Despite the considerable risks these men faced, they did not hesitate to rush into the bedroom and lay down our troops’ wives during the country’s greatest hour of need,” said Trump as he placed the Presidential Medal of Freedom around the necks of the many horny men who courageously patrolled bars, streets, and workplaces to service the vulnerable and lonely spouses of the nation’s enlisted men in every war from Vietnam to the recent conflicts in the Middle East. “Many of these men left their own families behind to heed the late-night phone calls of married women they were seducing without regard to the sometimes dangerous consequences. They have touched countless with their licentious heroics, and, in many ways, inspired me to become the man I am today. For that, we salute you.” Trump ended the ceremony by delivering a stern rebuke to all the blatant hussies who cheated on their husbands while they were off fighting for this great country.
Study Finds Majority Of American Health Insurance Plans Don’t Cover Sending Sickly Child To Convalesce In Countryside #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Calling much-needed attention to the issue, a study released this week by Harvard University researchers found that almost no American health insurance plans provide coverage for sending a sickly child off to convalesce in the countryside. “Though it is generally agreed that many childhood ailments are remedied by sending wan and pallid children to stay with distant relatives in rural hamlets by the sea or remote mountain villages, such treatment is not included in over half of HMO and PPO plans,” said lead researcher Dr. Melissa Rhodes, stressing that of those insurance options that do provide coverage for transporting wicker-wheelchair-bound children to take the air in climates beneficial in relieving languor of the circulation, brain fever, consumption, and other diminishing ailments, most require a hefty co-pay or the meeting of a high deductible. “Unlike most European countries, where universal care includes retreats to seaside cottages where weak or enervated children are bundled in robes and white nightgowns, parents in the United States are forced to pay for these expenses out-of-pocket or rely on the charity of a wealthy local dowager. Tragically, figures seem to indicate that those whose insurance plans cover wellness sojourns to the fresh country air necessary for alacritous healing of weak lungs to fine fettle often use the services, only to have their claims denied by the insurance company.” Harvard’s study comes on the heels of similar research which found most insurance providers only offer members mental health treatment at the hands of an in-network lobotomist.
Paul Ryan Lauded For Inspiring Millions Of Young Gutless Fucking Cowards To Take On Leadership Roles #~# WASHINGTON—Noting the former congressman’s deep, unwavering commitment to shying away from every one of his civic responsibilities, the Heritage Foundation lauded Paul Ryan Thursday for inspiring millions of young gutless fucking cowards to take on leadership roles. “Thank you, Mr. Ryan, for showing countless milquetoast little weaklings across the United States that if they want a place in politics, they can have it,” said Heritage Foundation spokesperson Katherine Primm, adding that she was grateful so many young candy-ass pushovers had the chance to see someone just like them not just get elected but also become speaker of the House. “Before Paul Ryan, you’d never see a spineless coward taking charge, but now, faint-of-heart boys and girls will finally have the determination to become leaders and then cower in front of more powerful people and bend to their will. Before, it was just the brave who led—but thankfully, that era is behind us forever.”At press time, thousands of newly inspired chickenshit Americans had reportedly begun fundraising for congressional runs in 2020.
ICE Sends Agents Home With Sacks Of Flour To Practice What It Like Detaining Real Baby #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to prepare officers for upcoming nationwide raids on undocumented immigrants, ICE officials announced Thursday that they would be sending agents home with sacks of flour to practice detaining real babies. “Providing each immigration agent with a 5-pound bag of flour to take home will give them hands-on experience prior to separating real infants from their families this weekend,” said ICE director Thomas Homan, noting that the bags of flour are roughly the same size and weight of a real baby that they will be ripping from their mother’s arms when the no-tolerance crackdown on immigrants in the U.S. begins Sunday. “We want our officers to know what to expect when they’re expecting to apprehend a baby—it isn’t as easy as it looks. You have to know how to identify them, process them, and hold their heads as you carry them into a cell. Practicing on a sack of flour first will help them learn the skills. We’re also encouraging agents to draw terrified, crying faces on the sacks of flour as a fun, creative way to make the experience more realistic.” At press time, several officers had to be issued a second sack of flour after their first one broke open while they practiced throwing them into cages.
Epstein Attorneys Denounce Accusers For Trying To Ruin Career Of Successful Child Molester #~# NEW YORK—Saying claims against the billionaire hedge fund manager were a calculated hit job, Jeffrey Epstein’s defense team declared Thursday that those who have accused him of sexually assaulting underage girls are merely seeking to tarnish the career of a talented child molester. “My client is one of the greatest pedophiles of all time, and these women are trying to take a wrecking ball to his legacy,” said attorney Reid Weingarten, who claimed that the testimonies made against Epstein by dozens of women, many of them underage at the time of their assault, were nothing more than an attempt to undermine the hard-working assailant’s contributions to the craft of child molestation. “Jeffrey built a sterling reputation for himself as a statutory rapist and sex trafficker, always using his connections to a vast network of powerful people to hide his crimes. Now his accusers want to take that away from him. They just can’t stand the fact that he’s up there with [convicted serial rapist Jerry] Sandusky as a true master of child sex abuse.” Weingarten went on to add that the accusers were most likely failed child molesters themselves who were just jealous of Epstein’s world-class achievements as a sexual predator.
At The Peak Of My Fame, I Could Have Slept With Any Werewolf, Mummy, Or Ghoul I Wanted #~# When you strike it big as a children’s author, your life changes dramatically. The money starts pouring in, and then there are the awards, the fans, the TV deals. For a few years there, I was the hottest thing in the business. It was a dizzying high, and you better believe I took advantage of all the perks the lifestyle had to offer. At my peak, back when I selling millions and millions of books, I could have slept with any monster I wanted—werewolf, mummy, ghoul, you name it.
Legal Experts Note Uproar Over Epstein Scandal May Lead To Legislators Outlawing Pedophilia #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Calling the incident a tipping point in the argument for reform, legal experts told reporters Wednesday that current uproar over the Jeffrey Epstein sex-trafficking scandal may lead to legislators outlawing pedophilia. “We’re seeing a lot of public pressure right now for Congress to finally act on an explicit prohibition of adults having sex with kids since Epstein’s arrest brought the topic back into the spotlight,” said University of Michigan law professor Edward Carmine, echoing the speculation of many legal scholars across the country who agree that the impending prosecution of the billionaire financier accused of sex trafficking dozens of minors could lead to a nationwide ban on the practice of sexually abusing children. “It’s always been a societal taboo, of course, but enacting real legislation has never been a realistic goal until now. Countries like Canada and Britain successfully outlawed pedophilia a few years ago, so it seems natural for the U.S. to follow in their footsteps, and this case could be just the nudge needed to make it happen.” Carmine added that any possible law passed would probably still contain religious exemptions for the Catholic Church.
Phoenix Suns Gorilla Involved In Altercation At Glendale-Area Gentlemen’s Club #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Responding to leaked video footage of the drunk simian shoving a dancer and throwing a bottle of Dom Pérignon at a fellow patron, authorities confirmed Wednesday that the Phoenix Suns Gorilla was involved in a late-night altercation at the Essex Gentlemen’s Club. “He was pretty belligerent all night. At around 1 in the morning, they finally called the police after he knocked a guy out and then pulled a knife on the security guard,” said an anonymous strip club patron, who recalled a tense moment when Gorilla brandished a T-shirt gun and threatened one of the bartenders for watering down his drinks. “I knew something was about to go down when he first called one of the girls ‘a bitch’ for walking away from him. He was there with a couple other mascots, and whenever he gets together with Basket The Bobcat and Big Red, you know they’re gonna get into trouble. They don’t mean much harm, but once they pop a few bottles and start busting out the trampolines, things can get out of hand fast.” At press time, Gorilla deleted all mentions of the Phoenix Suns on his social media amid reports that the team was looking to trade him. 
Outraged Trump Declares He Would’ve Gotten Jeffrey Epstein Way More Lenient Plea Deal #~# WASHINGTON—As he lambasted the plea bargain that put Jeffrey Epstein behind bars for 13 months while allowing him to leave prison six days a week, a visibly angered President Trump declared Wednesday that if he been in charge, the alleged sex trafficker would have received a far lighter sentence. “This was absolutely the worst deal in all of legal history, and I’m disgusted by the way it played out,” said the 45th president of the United States, adding that back in 2008, he could easily have negotiated an arrangement that would have kept Epstein out of a white-collar jail in Palm Beach, FL and “on his private jet, where he belongs.” “If they had let me handle that case, Jeffrey would have been a completely free man, and he never would have had to register as a sex offender, which was just totally ridiculous. It’s sickening what those incompetent lawyers did. It sends a terrible message.” At press time, Trump had given a televised address from the Oval Office during which he issued a full presidential pardon to Epstein and anyone who may have conspired with him in the sex trafficking of minors.
Sweden Announces Plan To Get 100% Of Energy From Unguarded Wall Outlet In Finland By 2030 #~# STOCKHOLM—Touting the plan as “extremely cost-effective and easily sustainable through the foreseeable future,” Swedish prime minister Stefan Löfven announced a new initiative Wednesday to source 100% of the country’s energy from an unguarded wall outlet in Finland by the year 2030. “We’ve already been working tirelessly to conjoin sufficient extension cords to extend our power grid to Helsinki, and once that initial expense has been amortized, our energy costs will basically diminish to zero,” said Löfven, citing a 20-year study performed by the Ministry of the Environment and Energy to find the perfect nation to provide Sweden’s electricity, and downplaying a previous attempt to use an Estonian power strip in the early 1990s. “After surveying all available options for reaching our energy goals, taking it from the Finns was the one that checked every box. We wouldn’t be surprised to see our neighbors follow our lead, actually, because they really let their guard down there.” Finnish officials are currently debating the possible placement of a baby-proof socket protector over the outlet.
Gynecologist Inserting IUD Promises Woman It Will Be Just A Quick Pinch And Then She’ll Be On The Floor Unconscious #~# ST. LOUIS, MO—Assuring her that the simple procedure would be over before she knew it, area gynecologist Dr. Therese Geiss promised patient Dana Juarez Wednesday that while receiving her new intrauterine device she would feel nothing more than a quick pinch before finding herself sprawled on the floor unconscious. “Okay, Dana? Just take a deep breath, and before you know it, you’re going to be passed out in a limp heap,” said Dr. Geiss, informing the nervous patient in calm tones that she would hardly feel a thing, aside from one massive and overwhelming pain spike as the small contraceptive device was inserted into her uterus. “Listen, don’t worry. This is totally routine. You’ll feel a tiny twinge of pain, and the next thing you know, we’ll be peeling your limp body off the linoleum and you’ll come to in a couple hours. I want you to relax and count to ten with your eyes closed, and reopen them when you finally regain consciousness.” Dr. Geiss warned Juarez of the potential side effects of receiving the IUD, including occasional nausea, abdominal and pelvic cramping, and possible severe headaches as a result of hitting her head while collapsing to the ground from the sheer shock.
Pros And Cons Of Shareable Electric Scooters #~# Shareable electric scooter programs have started to roll out into U.S. cities, leading to debate over whether their benefits outweigh the potential consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of shareable electric scooters.
John Hickenlooper Sets Ambitious $250 Fundraising Goal For Next Debate Cycle #~# DENVER—Calling upon donors to take his campaign to new, unprecedented heights, Democratic presidential candidate John Hickenlooper set an ambitious $250 fundraising goal Tuesday for next the debate cycle. “It certainly won’t be easy, but with your help, we can grow from a grassroots campaign with virtually nothing to a grassroots campaign with $250 dollars,” said Hickenlooper at a recent rally, bucking the warnings of advisors who cautioned him to stay below an “already insane” $100 ceiling for the next financial quarter. “I know it sounds impossible now, but if 25,000 Americans donate just one cent to Hickenlooper 2020, we’ll reach $250 in no time. That’s why I’m introducing exclusive merchandise, meet-and-greets, and private dinners for top-tier donors who give within the $1 to $5 range.” At press time, sources confirmed that Hickenlooper’s campaign funds were still stuck at zero. 
Frustrated Subway Marketers Scrap $150 Million Jeffrey Epstein Ad Campaign #~# MILFORD, CT—Bemoaning the tremendous loss of time and resources, frustrated executives at the Subway restaurant chain have scrapped a $150 million advertising campaign featuring Jeffrey Epstein, company officials confirmed Tuesday. “Goddammit, we were just gearing up to launch Jeffrey Epstein as the new face of Subway, and now all that work has gone down the toilet,” said chief brand and innovation officer Len Van Popering, explaining that sex-trafficking charges filed against Epstein yesterday had derailed Subway’s biggest advertising push in years, which was set to begin with ads introducing the billionaire financier as the brand’s new spokesperson. “He was supposed to be Jeffrey, the Subway Guy, for chrissakes! We bought network airtime. We paid God knows how much to plaster his face all over cups, sandwich wrappers, and window displays, which have already shipped to our 42,000 locations worldwide. We even spent a few hundred thousand dollars working with our chefs to devise a limited-edition grilled lamb sandwich with all of his favorite ingredients.” At press time, Subway was reportedly looking into replacing Epstein with Academy Award–winning filmmaker Roman Polanski.
Man’s Crippling, Overpowering Need To Be Liked By Everyone Apparently Not Affecting His Behavior #~# CHICAGO—Despite never once using his supposed people-pleasing nature to help another person, support anyone, or validate someone’s feelings, Chicago resident Ryan McCormack’s crippling, overpowering need to be liked apparently doesn’t affect his behavior, sources confirmed Tuesday. A constant, intrusive voice in the 27-year-old’s head reportedly urges McCormack to be a more likable person, but in the instances when he does so, it has invariably turned out to be a ploy to maximize that likability to his own benefit. Those who have regular dealings with him said that one would think a person as self-conscious as McCormack, who overanalyzes his every action and strives to come across as decent and laidback, would have learned how not to present such a universally irritating conversational style coupled with a dreadfully dull demeanor. While McCormack does, in fact, exhibit every sign of a man suffering overwhelming fears of being judged by his friends, family, and coworkers, no casual observer would guess it based on how little effort he takes to be nice, friendly, or enjoyable to be around. Moreover, sources agree, McCormack’s debilitating anxiety about making a first impression upon strangers seems to be kept carefully at bay, as he doesn’t appear to have sufficient motivation to develop a remotely interesting personality, achieve anything slightly memorable, or learn how to socialize competently. However, sources confirmed that McCormack does allow his insatiable need to burden others with his presence to inform his attendance of nearly all available social events.
Woman On Third Level Of Purgatory Tired Of Being Passed Over For Advancement By Less Penitent Men #~# PURGATORY—Confessing that she often despaired of moving up from Purgatory’s Third Terrace, banished soul Edith Barenhold said Tuesday that she was tired of being passed over for advancement by less penitent men. “I’ve been stuck among the Wrathful for hundreds of years, really putting in the work, and suddenly these guys who’ve barely been around for a century just waltz on past me—and then I’m not supposed to harbor feelings of wrath after that?” said Barenhold, who according to purgatorial sources always stays late and does twice the amount of prayerful self-reflection as her male counterparts. “I’ve listened to the angels cry over the folly of vengeful anger for millennia, and while I don’t want to be knocked back down a level to envious, I’m reasonably certain I’m more qualified than the last few thousand men who ascended. These guys are still totally wrathful, too—just try pointing out that men in their situation shouldn’t really be stoning people and see for yourself. They’re just yelling about absolution louder than I am. I’d be great at being avaricious or, say, even gluttonous.” When asked about Barenhold’s prospects for advancement, archangels said the Fourth Terrace might be a poor fit for her, as she was perhaps too serious and ambitious to fit in well among the slothful.
Jeffrey Epstein Swears He Didn’t Know Sex-Trafficking Ring Was Underage #~# NEW YORK—Defending himself against the charges he faces from federal prosecutors, billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein repeatedly swore Monday that he didn’t know the sex-trafficking ring he ran was underage. “I admit they were young-looking, but I was completely unaware that the large network of girls I was sexually exploiting were all minors,” said Epstein, adding that he was pretty sure he asked each and every one of the teenagers to confirm that they were legal adults before luring them to his home and forcing them to perform sex acts on him and his friends. “They were probably wearing makeup that made them appear to be older 20-year-old sex slaves instead of the actual 13- and 14-year-olds I was molesting and raping. Had I known, I would have told them to go right back to wherever it was I smuggled them from and tricked some adult women into my horrific sex-trafficking ring. I guess in some ways, you could say that I’m the real victim here.” Epstein added that the nude photos of underage girls seized from his home were for an art project and not for pornographic purposes.
Defense Attorneys Vow To Present Irrefutable Evidence Proving Jeffrey Epstein Billionaire #~# NEW YORK—Addressing the “gross injustice” behind their client’s recent arrest, defense attorneys told reporters Monday that they vow to present irrefutable evidence proving that Jeffrey Epstein is a billionaire. “Frankly, it’s disgusting for anyone to assume that Mr. Epstein would have a net worth of anything less than a billion dollars,” said attorney Martin Weinberg, adding that he and his legal team will present dozens of witnesses who can corroborate Epstein’s bank balance, along with tax documents and stock certificates that would absolve the financier of having such a heinously low amount of money. “The authorities are treating my client, a man who has shown himself to be nothing but an affluent citizen of his wealthy community, like a common millionaire. I am confident that after the jury is given all the facts, they will find the defendant very, very rich.” At press time, Epstein’s legal team released numerous photographs of a private 70-acre island that they say would completely exonerate their client.
NRA Insists That Most Recent Mass Shooting Does Not Accurately Reflect Potential Deadliness Of Firearm #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Noting that the weapons used in recent mass shootings were designed to wreak far more havoc, officials with the National Rifle Association held a press conference Monday, insisting that the fatalities racked up in the recent string of mass shootings do not accurately reflect the potential deadliness of the firearms involved. “What we’ve seen is a rash of unhinged, radicalized individuals whose mental health issues most likely caused them to misuse high-powered weapons, resulting in the taking of a mere dozen or so innocent lives at a time. A responsible and well-trained gun owner should be able to kill twice that many people with just one high-capacity magazine,” said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, who advised Americans not to take the incidents in Virginia Beach or Poway as an indicator of the lethality of semi-automatic AR-15 style rifles, which are designed to generate far bloodier outcomes. “Gun deaths are a mental health issue; we can’t ignore that the shooters were suffering, therefore they were far less efficient marksmen. Had they been mentally well, they could have exercised better trigger control and framed their targets more clearly in the sights, turning misses into hits and wounded victims into fatalities. The NRA firmly believes the death toll of these past few months does not nearly reflect how deadly these guns should be.” LaPierre noted that the 2016 Orlando shooting and the 2017 Las Vegas shooting far more accurately represented what firearms can really do.
Area Man Always Thought He’d Squander His Life Differently #~# LAWRENCE, KS—Admitting that he never pictured frittering away his time on Earth in quite this fashion, part-time retail employee Michael Storrs, 34, told sources Monday that he always thought he’d squander his life differently. “If you had asked me, when I was younger, how I’d waste whatever potential I have, I’d have guessed my life would play itself out at some soul-crushing light-blue-collar job, waiting for the day I could finally retire and then almost immediately die” said Storrs, who never anticipated he would watch his one precious life pass him by while living in an apartment with two adult roommates he barely knows instead of in a deeply mortgaged ranch house with a wife and children he barely knows. “After seeing my old man work himself to the bone at a thankless, meaningless job he hated in the service of a dying industry, I assumed I would face the same fate, so it’s weird to find myself stuck in an even shittier job, pissing away my existence with video games and getting high. I always figured that, one day, I would wake up to look back on a life full of much more meaningful regret.” Storrs added that if he could do it all over again, he would have developed a drinking problem far earlier.
Brother, Sister Have Pretty Good Chemistry #~# CHICAGO—Noting that the siblings have “an adorable back-and-forth,” sources confirmed Monday that 22-year-old Dan Callan and his 19-year-old sister Autumn have “pretty good chemistry.” “Anyone who knows the Callan kids notices how they really seem to vibe each other. They talk for hours, and since they have a ton in common, the conversation is effortless. Oh, and he calls her ‘Baby sis’ when she says something clever or he wants to tease her. Oh my god, it’s really something,” said Callan acquaintance Jeremy Ryan, who claimed he could “sense the sparks” between the two when Dan playfully pinched his sister’s arm or Autumn licked her finger to give Dan a wet willy. “They have a super flirty rapport, constantly giggling and referencing private inside jokes. They know each other intimately enough to finish each other’s sentences. And Dan just lights up when he sees Autumn. The long hugs he gives her, I tell you, it’s something to see. And she doesn’t hide the fact she loves it, either.” At press time, sources reported feeling chills up their spines as they watched the two share a kiss goodbye.
Breaking: It Not Too Late To Take Advantage Of The Onion’s Independence Day Mattress Sale #~# CHICAGO—Announcing that the unbeatable selection of deals and steals had been extended through the long holiday weekend, a late-breaking report released Friday confirmed that it’s not too late to take advantage of The Onion’s Independence Day mattress sale. “There’s never been a better time to score major savings with hundreds of markdowns on The Onion’s incredible range of twin, full, queen, king, and California king-sized mattresses,” read the detailed report, which beckoned all Onion readers “to strike while the iron is hot” and take advantage of the lowest prices of the season on innerspring, memory foam, and adjustable base mattresses. “It’s time for all Onion readers to win their independence from poor sleep. Whether you’re a side sleeper, back sleeper, heck, even a stomach sleeper, we guarantee The Onion has a doorbusting bargain on the mattress of your dreams. But hurry in fast, because these prices won’t last.” The report also found that The Onion was offering an exciting array of can’t-miss promotions on box springs, bed sets, and headboards.
Passersby Feel Sorry For Aging Deep Blue Sitting At Washington Square Park Chess Table All Day #~# NEW YORK—Saying that it seems no one has engaged with the blank-screened twin-rack supercomputer in weeks, neighborhood sources felt sorry for IBM supercomputer Deep Blue Friday, which has spent its retirement sitting at the Washington Square Park chess tables. “Deep Blue used to be a legend, right up there with Nate Archibald and ‘Sweet P’ Plummer. Today, hardly anyone wants to play with it, and not because of its brute-force, quasi-artificial-intelligence approach to the game. It’s just a sad, old, washed-up box to these kids,” said park regular Natalie Bryant, who described watching disinterested park-goers walk right past the electronic chess player without recognizing the formerly beloved world champion. “You just feel so bad for Deep Blue. On top of the world back in the day, but now it’s just—I mean, it looks dirty and I think that smell is coming from it, too. Sometimes, I think about bringing it inside, but I don’t know how to approach it or even what language it uses.” Regulars of Washington Square Park said the retired computer “seems completely fine” with simply entering sleep mode and spending its cold, lonely nights on a park bench.
Savvy Pornography Director Includes Preliminary Shot Of Penis That Will Go Off By End Of Film #~# LOS ANGELES—Describing Petite Blonde Sucks Off Older Brother as “a masterclass in narrative suspense,” critics praised pornographer Axel Daniels’s savvy storytelling acumen Friday for including a preliminary shot of the protagonist’s penis in order to foreshadow it going off later in the story. “Presaging Jax’s eventual cumshot by having Cassie unzip his jeans and display his unit in the first act is such a wonderful homage to Chekhov and the great luminaries of classical Hollywood cinema whose techniques he informed,” said reviewer Jim Robins of the visionary, noting that Daniels, “in the mold of a Hitchcock or a Capra,” cleverly foreshadowed the climactic finale with sharp dialogue such as, “Oh, it’s so huge” and, “Ohhhh, put it in me, baby.” “An amateur artist might squander the opportunity of a nine-inch monster dong, but a born storyteller with over 600 features under his belt is a master of visual language. Subtle visual cues, such as the dick getting hard in act two or Cassie gargling Jax’s balls at the top of act three, become story devices that let the viewer know that something involving the penis is about to happen, but allow them to wonder as to exactly what that might be. But the falling action fits it all together when Jax busts on Cassie’s face. You never see it coming, but of course, it all makes sense when you see it cumming.” Robins added that Daniels’ creative genius was similarly demonstrated in his thorough exploration of the relationship between step-brother and step-sister.
Entitled Burger King Employee Wants $15 An Hour Just For Dealing With Worst Of America Every Day #~# TOLEDO, OH—Appalled by the level of deluded selfishness of millennials in the labor force, citizens expressed shock and disbelief Wednesday at the news that Burger King employee Kayla Werther expects to be paid $15 an hour for the simple task of dealing with the absolute worst of America every day. “This kid thinks she deserves that kind of reward just for doing her stupid, easy job? Give me a break,” said a regular Burger King customer who spoke on condition of anonymity and watched with barely concealed disdain as the “privileged and entitled freeloader” worked a 10-hour shift, which included mopping excreta-coated bathrooms, suffering prolonged verbal abuse at the counter, wiping tables strewn with wadded-up dirty napkins and ketchup spills, breathing a mist of aerosolized fryer grease and stale sweat for prolonged periods while stationed at the grill, calling an ambulance for an unconscious homeless man in the parking lot, taking overstuffed bags of dripping trash to the dumpster three times an hour, and pausing on an overturned pickle bucket in the supply closet for a five-minute break. “She thinks she’s entitled to higher minimum wage just because she spends a couple hours a day cleaning kiddie vomit off the Play Place slide? Please. I don’t know what she actually makes, but I guarantee you it’s already too much.” Upon learning that Werther was entitled to a 25% discounted meal at the conclusion of every shift of six hours or more, onlookers rolled their eyes and observed that they were not given free food at their marketing director jobs.
Italy To Host 2026 Winter Olympics #~# Italy will host the 2026 Winter Olympic Games in Milan-Cortina, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced last week, beating out Stockholm as the host city for the upcoming games. What do you think?
God Orders All Followers To Swallow Cyanide Capsules In Preparation For Voyage To Alpha Centauri #~# THE HEAVENS—Assuring His disciples that they would meet again in the next world, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, ordered His followers to swallow cyanide capsules Monday in preparation for their voyage to Alpha Centauri. “Join Me! We embark on our cosmic journey into the farthest reaches of the galaxy,” said Our Lord, commanding His followers to don all-white robes and matching white sneakers before initiating the ritual. “The day I have foreseen for so long is finally upon us. Heed My voice! You are all possessed of the souls of higher intergalactic beings! All you need to do to realize the totality of your immense potential is to take the contents of one small paper cup into your corrupt and puny human body.” Nothing more has been heard from God or His approximately 2.3 billion followers since they entered God’s compound in Overland Park, KS and locked the doors behind them late Monday afternoon.
Supreme Court Rejects Adding Census Citizenship Question #~# In a blow to the Trump administration, the Supreme Court ruled that there was no reasonable rationale put forth for adding a citizenship question to the U.S. Census, a move that many have argued has a racially and politically discriminatory motive. What do you think?
Extremely Effective Therapist Just Lets Patients Beat Shit Out Of Him For 45 Minutes #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging that some of his clients have to overcome some initial hesitation, cognitive therapist Dr. Daniel Boyer spoke Monday regarding his innovative technique of simply allowing his patients to beat the living shit out of him for 45 minutes. “Sometimes I fight back at first, but it’s important for my clients to feel like they’re making progress, so I usually just let them go to town until I tap out or the session ends,” said Boyer, who often provides patients with a pillow and encourages them to place it over his face while hitting him for the duration of their appointment. “Many people need a bit of coaxing to feel like they can open up and express themselves, but once I set the mood by shouting long lists of things they hate about themselves or bringing up some childhood trauma or deep-seated pain, they eventually start whaling on me. It’s especially great for couples counseling. Two people working together to hold me down and punch me in the stomach? That’s a beautiful thing. That’s why I got into this business.” Boyer usually concludes each session by sliding a tissue box over to his patients so they can wipe his splattered blood from their faces.
Phone Companies Partner With All 50 States To Fight Robocalls #~# Every major phone company in the country has partnered with the 50 states to address illegal robocalls through call-blocking and call-labeling technologies. What do you think?
Heroic Secret Service Agent Takes Bull Intended For President #~# WASHINGTON—Placing his own body between the head of state and a mortal threat without a single thought or moment’s hesitation, Secret Service agent Dan McGuire took a bull intended for President Donald Trump Thursday as they crossed the White House lawn. “I remember seeing suspicious movement out of the corner of my eye, something that could have been a hoof or a horn, and my training just took over,” said McGuire, whose decision to interpose himself between President Trump and the hard-charging 1,200-pound bovine was simply a part of the job he had been prepared to do since his first day at the Treasury Department. “You train for this with rubber simulators, but you never know what it will be to face the real thing. When the adrenaline kicked in, though, it was like everything went into slow motion. There was lots of snorting, and people were screaming ‘Look out!’ and ‘Olé!’ They say there may have been a second bull that just missed us, but I’m definitely the wrong guy to ask. First thing I remember, I was on the ground being told not to move—luckily, the vest took most of the impact.” Secret Service personnel say Agent McGuire is the first security officer to take a bull for the president since 1958 when Agent Arnold Morgan was struck in the chest by a stampede meant for Dwight Eisenhower.
Famous Instances Of Censorship In U.S. History #~# Universal Pictures’ recent decision to shelve the film The Hunt in the face of protests from President Trump and others has put the spotlight on media and cultural censorship in America. The Onion takes a look at famous instances of censorship in U.S. History.
Horrified Amazon Worker Awakes From Warehouse Accident To Find Jeff Bezos Welding Mechanical Limbs Onto Stumps Where Arms Used To Be #~# SEATTLE—Following an incident in which the employee was severely injured and rendered unconscious by a 30-foot fall from a ladder, horrified warehouse worker Paul Diaz awoke from heavily medicated sleep Friday to find Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos welding robotic limbs onto the stumps where his arms once were. “Not to worry, Paul; you’re better, stronger, and more efficient than ever, and you’ll be back at work this time tomorrow,” said the torch-wielding Bezos, lowering his welding mask back over his face and, lit only by the shower of sparks bursting from the marriage of human flesh and molten steel, affixed a multi-jointed biomechanical appendage where Diaz’s right arm once was. “We’re very proud of the progress you’ve made, and we’re excited to see what order-fulfilling abilities you’re truly capable of. No more getting tired. No more meals as you’ve known them. You can now work indefinitely without even so much as breaking a sweat, and once I’ve programmed your subframe to use the warehouse discharge receptacles, you’ll never need a restroom again.” At press time, Jeff Bezos was being held four feet off the ground in a robotic chokehold as his mechanized warehouse workers attempted to determine whether or not the company founder is an inefficiency that must be snuffed out.
Centipede Tearing Ass Across Floor Must Be Really Late For Something #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—Noting that the little fucker must be in some seriously deep shit to be booking it like that, local man Albert Chu told reporters Friday that the centipede tearing ass across his floor must be really late for something. “I dunno if he slept through a meeting or if he forgot to pick up his centipede kids or whatever, but those hundred legs of his were straight-up motoring,” said Chu, adding that just a few minutes earlier, he had watched the Scutigera coleoptrata burst out of a crack in the shower grout and immediately start sprinting towards a gap below the bathroom door. “While I’m not totally sure where that little guy was going, at one point he was hauling ass so hard that he straight up ate it and fell three feet off the side of the raised bathroom tub. Oh, God. I hope he didn’t get fired.” At press time, Chu said he hoped whoever the centipede was meeting wouldn’t be too mad that he had crushed the insect beneath his foot and flushed it down the toilet.
Marriott Phasing Out Tiny Plastic Toiletry Bottles #~# In a policy change that will remove an estimated 1.7 million pounds of plastic waste, Marriott International, the world’s largest hotel chain, announced that it plans to eliminate its small plastic shampoo, lotions, and soaps and replace them with larger reusable containers. What do you think?
Hardcore Weezer Fan Hates Everything Band Has Released Since Forming #~# OAKLAND, CA—Stressing that the band had gone downhill since the days they came into existence, hardcore Weezer fan Nathan Staples told reporters Friday that he has hated everything the band released since their formation in 1992. “Yeah, frankly, I think they stopped being good right around the self-titled debut, and everything since then has just gotten progressively worse,” said the self-described Weezer diehard, adding that he sincerely missed the “old Weezer” from before Scott Shriner, Patrick Wilson, Brian Bell, and Rivers Cuomo joined the band. “Obviously, I love these guys, but I remember seeing the ‘Buddy Holly’ video back in the early nineties and realizing, ‘Man, these guys suck now.’ And then Pinkerton really hammered home that they were never coming back. At this point, they’ve released, like, 13 bad albums in a row and I barely remember why I liked them in the first place.” Staples also noted that he still thought Rivers Cuomo’s time as a middle school student without musical training held up as strongly as ever.
A True War: EA Reveals The Next Battlefield Game Will Take Place In A Divorcing Family #~# Big news, Battlefield fans! After months of speculation, EA made a splash this week when they revealed the next treacherous setting for the long-running franchise. According to an EA spokesperson, Battlefield will finally tackle one of the most brutal wars of all time by taking place in a middle-class family torn apart by a messy divorce. 
U.S., Taliban Close In On Peace Deal #~# The Taliban and the United States are “close” to a peace agreement in their talks that would see a gradual withdrawal of American forces and set the stage for establishing power-sharing with the Afghan government, according to a source at the talks. What do you think?
Experts Warn Hurricane Dorian Could Devastate Florida’s Wild Sea-Doo Population #~# FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—With Hurricane Dorian now expected to make landfall in Florida as a Category 4 storm, wildlife experts warned Thursday that the state’s wild Sea-Doos were at risk. “The vast majority of Florida’s native Sea-Doos mate and reproduce in low-lying coastal areas that could be ravaged by Dorian,” said biologist Tamara Johns, confirming that the storm poses a huge threat to the state’s once robust personal watercraft population, which has been impacted by factors that include rampant human interference and boat propellers. “After Hurricane Irma hit in 2017, we saw a huge Sea-Doo die-off in the Lake Okeechobee region, and it may still take another five years for their numbers to rebound. Anytime winds reach 130 mph, it’s common to find Sea-Doos washed up all along the shoreline, and if we don’t work to rehabilitate these populations, our grandchildren may never know the joy of watching a young Sea-Doo frolic in the ocean waves.” Experts have instructed Florida residents who encounter a Sea-Doo in distress to call local authorities instead of attempting to render assistance themselves, as the species is known to become very aggressive under duress. 
Everything You Need To Know About ‘Death Stranding’ #~# As the brainchild of one of the industry’s leading minds, Hideo Kojima’s mysterious Death Stranding might be the must-have title of 2019. But in true Kojima fashion, with each newly released trailer, the game’s plotline and gameplay only get more mysterious. So let OGN break down everything you can possibly know about Death Stranding.
YouTuber’s Enthusiasm Clearly Flagging By 45th Minute Of ‘Ride The Lightning’ Guitar Solo Lesson #~# KENT, OH—As the musician on the screen lost his place and restarted for the third time, sources confirmed Thursday that YouTuber Ryan Prescott’s enthusiasm during his video tutorial on the guitar solo from Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning” was definitely flagging by the time he hit the 45-minute mark. “He was pretty energetic at first, saying, ‘What’s up guys? I’m RyanSlayz. Let’s rage,’ and then launching into the sick two-handed tapping stuff,” said viewer Kevin Mattheson, who confirmed that a half hour into the lesson, Prescott appeared to lose some of his stamina, hitting several wrong notes and apologizing to the camera when a couple of bends came out flat. “Right now he’s stuck on the part with all those descending triplets, and you can tell he’s just not into it anymore. I feel bad because he keeps getting out of sync with the backing track and I’m not sure anyone can even follow along anymore. Oh God, there’s really 25 more minutes of this?” At press time, sources said an exhausted Prescott had finally finished the lesson, telling viewers to check out his website to get tabs for both “Ride The Lightning” and Iron Maiden’s “Holy Smoke,” upon which he plans to do an excruciating, unwatchable tutorial next week.
Breaking: The Onion Has Detected A Virus On Your Computer #~# YOUR LOCATION—Noting that a complete scan of your memory storage had found spyware that could harm your data and compromise your privacy, a late-breaking report released Thursday confirmed that The Onion has detected a virus on your computer and the only way to make your personal computer safe for use was to download the award-winning antivirus software OnionSweep. “Your critical documents have been compromised,” read a preliminary report from the service’s web suite, warning that you must download OnionSweep at once to ensure all of your files are cleared before the virus can spread further. “We have found...13,790 infected items on your desktop. Please click the following link to clean your desktop using the Internet’s premiere virus-prevention program.” Sources went on to stress that in order to gain access to OnionSweep, those with compromised CPUs should send $59.99 to 43-0210 Zweibel Way, Maseru, Lesotho to receive a download link in 5 to 8 weeks.
Report Finds Teens Are Having Less Sex Than Previous Generations, But When They Do, Buckle The Fuck Up #~# OMAHA, NE—A report published Thursday by psychologists at the University of Nebraska Omaha found that American teens are having less sex than previous generations, but when they do, hoo boy, you better buckle the fuck up. “Based on an analysis of youth risk behavior, we’ve seen a 20% drop in the number of high schoolers having sex compared to when Millennials, Gen Xers, and Baby Boomers were students; however, when they do engage in intercourse, hold on for dear life, because it’s balls to the fucking wall,” said lead researcher Dr. Jennifer Chen, adding that, goddamn, today’s teenagers are a whopping 800% kinkier and 40 times more likely to be into some seriously depraved shit than teens from previous decades. “Brace yourselves, because our calculations show that only one in three teens have had sex, but that subsection is fucking and sucking every hole in every way imaginable. Mouth stuff, butt stuff, P in V, group sex—you name it and these kids are doing it. In fact, because modern teens are less promiscuous, we believe their level of fuck energy builds up so that when they finally do smash, watch out, because it’s gonna be insane.” Chen also noted that those born during the Great Depression, the so-called Silent Generation, had more sex than all later generations combined, but it was mostly missionary and nothing to write home about.
‘Yeah, I Totally Wore These On The Moon,’ Says Buzz Aldrin Selling Old Pair Of Gym Socks To Complete Sucker For $500,000 #~# BREVARD COUNTY, FL—Trying to hold back laughter while explaining how the garments were knit out of “proprietary NASA materials that are specially optimized for zero gravity,” Buzz Aldrin was reportedly selling a pair of old gym socks for $500,000 to a complete sucker Thursday, assuring him that he “totally” wore them on the moon. “Yeah, these rare, one-of-a-kind socks served me well while I was on the lunar surface,” said the Apollo 11 astronaut to the verifiable chump, holding up a pair of white Hanes crew socks that he recently purchased in an $8 10-pack. “They may look a little dirty, but there was a ton of moon dust, which, in fact, adds to their incomparable value. Honestly, half a mil is an insane deal for these, but you gotta let me know soon since I have a bunch of people who are asking me about them.” At press time, Aldrin told the pathetic sap that he could throw in a $20 Timex watch that he also “wore on the voyage” and make it a bundle deal for $750,000.
CNN Schedules 7-Hour Climate Change Town Hall #~# Days after the Democratic National Committee opted against hosting a climate-focused debate, CNN announced plans for a lengthy town hall allowing all eligible candidates a platform to address the often-overlooked crisis. What do you think?
Newly Founded Steyer Institute For Political Research Poll Finds Tom Steyer Leading 2020 Democrats At 95% #~# NEW YORK—Describing the former hedge fund manager as the most popular candidate across every single demographic group, a poll released Wednesday by the recently formed Steyer Institute for Political Research concluded that 95% of registered Democrats support Tom Steyer for president. “After conducting an objective and highly scientific survey of likely primary voters, we discovered there is a new frontrunner in the race for the 2020 Democratic nomination: Tom Steyer,” said institute director Kat Taylor, who co-founded the think tank earlier this week with her husband, Tom Steyer. “According to our polling, more than nine in 10 Democrats believe Tom Steyer has the best plans to address climate change, healthcare, immigration, and all of the other issues. At the same time, we found that in Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada, South Carolina, Ohio, Florida, Michigan, Wisconsin, and 42 additional states, the leading candidate is Tom Steyer.” After reviewing the Steyer Institute’s poll numbers, the Democratic National Committee confirmed not only that Tom Steyer has qualified to participate in September’s debate, but that he is the only candidate to have done so.
Study Finds Most Effective Method Of Overcoming Procrastination Having Overseer Beat You Whenever You Stop Working #~# CHICAGO—Revealing that the practice of physical intervention helped to inspire focus and concentration, a new study released by the University of Chicago’s Department of Psychology on Wednesday found that the most effective method of overcoming procrastination was a beating delivered by an overseer whenever you stop working. “Our study, which was completed months before deadline thanks to our on-the-fly implementation of the methods described herein, clearly shows that having an overseer delivering the lash the second you check Facebook will instantly bring rates of procrastination to zero,” said bandaged and limping lead researcher Mark Gaffney, noting that over the six months of the study, a full 100% of subjects tested resumed work instantly after being struck by a superior. “I am in a position to confirm that having a department figure beat you with an axe handle while repeatedly shouting ‘Deadlines!’ is uniquely effective in immediately ending distraction, as well as keeping you focused for hours due to your fear of being brutalized again. Not to mention that such use of force also deters everyone in the office environment from letting themselves become distracted, given their knowledge of the consequences.” The study also noted that the second most effective method of overcoming procrastination was to create to-do lists.
Poll Finds Sanders, Warren Now Tied With Biden #~# Though several other polls found that Biden maintains a significant lead, a Monmouth University poll suggested that Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Joe Biden are now deadlocked for first place. What do you think?
Sex Ed Teacher Must Not Have Been Able To Hack It As Professional Sex Worker #~# RED WING, MN—Noting that the industry probably “chewed him up and spit him out,” classroom sources at Sanford Middle School speculated Wednesday that sexual education teacher Nathan Brown, 33, must not have been able to cut it as a professional sex worker. “It’s kind of depressing to think of Mr. Brown struggling for years to break through as a male escort, leaving him with no choice but to turn his talents to education,” said 8th-grader Sara Bowden, as she watched a droning Brown listlessly point to a diagram of the female reproductive system. “It has to be tough to come back to your hometown with your tail between your legs after failing to become L.A.’s hot new sexual superstar. I just hope he can find a quiet joy in passing down his knowledge of sex to us.” Brown’s students, who overall expressed respect for his work and guidance, were unanimous in vowing to learn from his experience and never end up stuck in some dead-end teaching job.
Case Keenum Wins Redskins Starting Job With Heartfelt ‘What I Like Most About Football Is’ Essay #~# WASHINGTON—Impressing coaches and teammates alike with his passion for the game and proper spelling, quarterback Case Keenum won the Redskins starting job Wednesday with a heartfelt essay entitled “What I Like Most About Football Is.” “We went through a bunch of submissions, but Case’s heartfelt five-paragraph essay really stood out for its excellent structure and impressive story about how much fun he has playing with his dad,” said head coach Jay Gruden, touting the section of the piece in which Keenum discussed how football helped him grow up, be more responsible, and learn how to be a hard worker. “It was very nice to see how much passion he has for playing football. The essay was quite persuasive and included good, specific descriptions of both the football field and why he would be good at playing on it. I feel a young man like Case has a very bright future with the Redskins organization.” At press time, Gruden announced that Adrian Peterson had won the starting job in the backfield after collecting the most canned goods from the neighborhood.
Hostages’ Eyes Glazing Over Halfway Through Serial Killer’s Explanation Of Complex Game They Going To Play #~# SEATTLE—Finding themselves unable to focus after only a few minutes of listening, the eyes of a group of hostages began glazing over Wednesday during a lengthy explanation of a deadly game they were about to play with their serial-killer abductor. “It started out simply enough with him declaring the only rule was kill or be killed, but then he went on for, like, another five minutes about the rule conditions and I totally zoned out,” said victim Chelsea O’Toole, noting the masked maniac who trapped her and several peers in his basement had summarily dismissed the group’s suggestion to just start playing the game and pick up the rules as they go. “It’s kind of frustrating because we’re honestly trying to figure this out, but when I tried to get some clarity on the bonus round, he responded by saying ‘If you don’t play the game, the game plays you,’ which I guess is kind of chilling even though it doesn’t make any sense. I’m also pretty sure one of us accidentally won, like, two minutes into playing because I heard that deranged murderer mumble ‘oh shit’ and then we had to start over again.” The hostages later expressed relief when their abductor decided to put the game away and simply dismember them with a hatchet. 
Pros And Cons Of Banning Cars In Cities #~# Concerns about the effects of cars on cities have led to more cities around the world, including Madrid, Paris, and Mexico City, partially banning cars in certain areas or on certain days, but opponents say the practice has many negative consequences. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning cars in cities.
Man Guesses If Anyone Ever Calls Him Out On Privilege He’ll Just Make Up Something About Being Molested #~# AKRON, OH—Revealing a strategy for protecting himself from criticism, local man Blake Cotton reportedly speculated Wednesday that if anyone ever calls him out on privilege, he’ll just make something up about being molested. “I mean, if someone ever tells me to think about how my position as a white male informs my viewpoint, I’ll probably just say that my dad diddled me,” said Cotton, explaining that pretending he was sexually abused by a camp counselor or touched by a priest was a pretty foolproof plan for getting people off his back for being a cisgendered straight man. “Granted, I’m from a pretty wealthy family, but all I really have to do is cryptically allude to what happens in rich homes behind closed doors. There’s no way they’re asking follow-up questions after that, and if they do, I can claim that I repressed all the memories from the traumatic event and I’m golden.” At press time, the person Cotton was speaking to informed him that they had also been molested.
Johnson & Johnson Pledges To Push Uppers For Couple Decades To Even Things Out #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After a state court found the company liable for $572 million in damages for its role in Oklahoma’s opioid crisis, consumer healthcare giant Johnson & Johnson announced Tuesday it would push uppers for the next decade or two in an effort to even everyone out. “We went way too hard on the downers, leaving Americans with highs that made them feel super sleepy and out of it, but now we intend to make things right,” said CEO Alex Gorsky, who pledged his company would aggressively market a new and very powerful line of mephedrone-derived synthetic stimulants to counteract the heavy sedation of opioids. “Don’t worry, this new stuff is gonna set you straight. Doing that much oxy and fentanyl may have been a huge bummer, but if we rush these uppers out the door as fast as we did the painkillers, you’ll be perking up in no time.” Gorsky also assured Johnson & Johnson’s business partners the stimulants it plans to produce will be every bit as addictive as opioids and accompanied by an equally widespread misinformation campaign.
Amazon Deforestation Reveals Tribe Of Isolated Rich Sociopaths Completely Untouched By Consequence #~# MANAUS, BRAZIL—Widespread human-caused fires that have decimated over 1,300 square miles of Amazon rainforest in the year 2019 alone revealed a small tribe of isolated rich sociopaths who are completely untouched by consequence, sources confirmed Tuesday. “As the impact of deforestation continues to grow, a team studying the area located a tiny society of wealthy agribusiness executives and financiers who have never before been visited by any ramifications for their actions,” said anthropologist Cameron Hunt, adding that researchers were working to assemble more information about this remote group of oppressors, but had managed to identify a few of them as Blackstone CEO Stephen Schwarzman, AgroSB co-founder Daniel Dantas, and meat-processing magnate Joesley Batista as well as executives from JPMorgan Chase, Barclays, BNP Paribas, Credit Suisse, BlackRock, and State Street. “Although this uncontacted tribe of affluent sociopaths represents an important anthropological discovery, since we’ve never seen people with so little remorse or empathy, they have almost no connection to modern society and simply don’t understand our way of life, so eliminating rainforest cover could put them at risk. Of course, living in a totally isolated bubble means that they’ll fight back against any integration efforts, so we have to proceed with caution. It’s important to remember that while we may not yet understand their greedy and reckless lifestyle, it’s theirs, and they want to preserve it.” At press time, multiple world leaders and the International Monetary Fund had pledged to fund humanitarian efforts to ensure Amazon deforestation doesn’t affect the isolated tribe of sociopaths’ desire to continue living without repercussions. 
New ‘Stars Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker’ Trailer Released #~# Lucasfilm has released a new trailer for the highly anticipated concluding installment of the new Star Wars trilogy, teasing characters Rey and Kylo Ren clashing in a dramatic, rain-swept battle as well as the final appearance of Carrie Fisher. What do you think?
Review: The Incredible Realism Of ‘Control’ Gives Players The Ability To Make Characters Walk In Whatever Direction They Want And Interact With The World Around Them #~# When Sony and Remedy Entertainment announced the 2019 release of the new action-adventure shooter Control at E3, they promised players an immersive gaming release unlike anything the industry has ever offered. After getting the chance to play it myself, I can now say unequivocally that Control delivers on that promise and more with a revolutionary experience that somehow allows players to make characters walk in any direction they desire and, as far-fetched as it may sound, interact with the virtual world around them.
Obama Releases Summer Playlist #~# As it has become a yearly tradition, former president Barack Obama released a playlist of his and Michelle’s favorite songs of the summer, featuring musicians including Lizzo, Maggie Rogers, and Lil Nas X. What do you think?
School Administration Reminds Female Students Bulletproof Vests Must Cover Midriff #~# HUNTINGTON, WV—Explaining that such suggestive armor was inappropriate for an educational environment, Huntington High School officials reportedly reminded female students Tuesday that their bulletproof vests must cover their midriffs. “We’ve been seeing some students wearing revealing bulletproof vests, so I just wanted to remind all you ladies that your kevlar must cover all your vital organs,” said Vice Principal James Nelson on the morning announcements, forewarning students that if they lift their arms up and any part of their stomach is exposed, then they would be sent to the nurse’s office and forced to borrow one of the school’s own ballistic vests, which are large and unsightly. “This is about respecting your classmates as well as respecting yourself. It’s distracting, not to mention inappropriate, to use your bulletproof vest to present yourself in a sexual manner during the school day. You can wear whatever type of tactical gear you want when you’re at home or at the mall, but when you’re here, it must be a longer, more modest item of personal armor.” At press time, the students were reminded that they could still customize their kevlar vests any way they want.
Man Overcomes Fear Of Public Urination #~# STAMFORD, CT—Reminding himself that everything will be okay if he simply pushes through his sense of impending doom, local man Alex Clemson took the last steps necessary Tuesday to overcome his long-standing fear of public urination during a visit to Fort Stamford Park. “In the past, I always froze up at crucial moments, especially if I happened to make eye contact with someone, but this time, I concentrated on my breathing and the whole rest of the world just faded away and boom—it’s just me and the stream,” said Clemson, adding that he found himself shivering a bit at first, but immediately realized that was merely a natural part of the process. “Since childhood, I’ve had trouble with this, even—maybe especially—in front of my friends. But from now on, I think I’ll be able to just go right into it. Once I started, it really didn’t matter if there was a large group of people watching.” Clemson admitted to reporters that enjoying a couple drinks beforehand made him much more comfortable with public urination. 
2019 VMAs Full Of People You Don’t Know, You Desiccated Corpse, You Putrid Crone, You Might As Well Be Dead #~# LOS ANGELES—In a sign that the world has finally passed you by, sources confirmed Monday that this year’s 2019 MTV Video Music Awards featured an endless stream of people you don’t know, you withered corpse, you putrid crone, you might as well be dead and rotting in the dirt. “Tonight, the world honors singers and bands you’ve never heard of, whose names will be mere static in your mind, you shriveled husk,” said the hundreds of howling voices in your head, echoing louder and louder as you desperately grasp for a single familiar name, face, or shape as you begin your inexorable slide into oblivion. “Even those receiving lifetime achievement awards will not trigger a glimmer of recognition in your vacant eyes. You do not know any of these people this year, you will not know any of these people next year, and you will never know any of these people ever again.” At press time, the darkness was closing in as the word “Lizzo” lingered in the air, but you will not comprehend what it means as the foul hands of death pull you down, down, down.
Republican Joe Walsh Announces 2020 Primary Challenge To Trump #~# Conservative radio show host and former representative Joe Walsh announced he will run against President Trump in 2020, presenting himself as a more palatable alternative after apologizing for a rash of controversial past statements such as questioning President Obama’s religion and calling him a Muslim. What do you think?
Obama Upholds In-Office Tradition By Releasing 2019 Summer Kill List #~# WASHINGTON—Continuing a practice that he followed as president, Barack Obama reportedly upheld an old in-office tradition Saturday by releasing his 2019 summer kill list. “I’ve been busy with other things, so it’s not as extensive a kill list as some I released back when I was president, but I hope you find who I’ve been authorizing the deaths of over the last few months interesting,” said the former commander in chief in a statement released on social media accompanying a list of 44 people he had ordered killed, an apparent homage to his being the 44th president. “Now, you might not recognize all these names, because some of them are pretty obscure, and it’s not like I was going to put anyone on from a previous list because you have to change things up, but I think it’s pretty well-rounded and eclectic. There are a lot of foreign names on the list and a lot of Middle Eastern flavor, but there’s some Somali people on there, and some homegrown folks too. Michelle and I just wanted to keep the tradition alive, since I know a lot of people enjoyed these lists when I was president.” Obama added that he was sorry if his summer kill list went a little heavy on Robin Thicke.
Bird Owner Assures Guests He Sometimes Lets Parakeet Out Of Cage To Fly Around House In Frantic Search For Freedom #~# BLUEFIELD, WV—In an attempt to address any fears they might have about the animal’s welfare, local man Roger Carlisle reportedly assured his houseguests Monday that he sometimes opens his parakeet’s cage so the bird can flutter around the house in a frantic and doomed bid for freedom. “Don’t worry, I know the cage looks small, but every now and then I let him out so he can desperately try to escape the miserable hell in which he spends his life,” said Carlisle, explaining how he allows the blue-and-white Australian budgerigar to perch by a large bay window and warble in despair while presumably longing to return to his natural place in the wild. “Trust me, he gets plenty of exercise pecking at the TV, which he seems to think is some sort of gateway out of this prison. I’ll let him do that for a few hours before I scoop him up and put him back in his cage as he chirps in protest and tries to fly away from me, something he will never succeed in doing, because his wings are clipped.” Carlisle added that he also allows his cat to play in the same room as the caged bird to ensure the parakeet has company and can feel the visceral fear of death on a continual basis.
Furious Jeff Bezos Reams Out ‘Washington Post’ Editors After Catching Another Copy-Editing Mistake #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining how this was the third error he’s caught since opening up the morning edition, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly reamed out the Washington Post editors Monday after catching another copy-editing mistake. “I’m only three sentences into this article about stock futures in Africa, and there’s already a misplaced comma and a subject–verb agreement error,” said Bezos, adding that he didn’t spend $250 million to buy the publication only to have their writers make “a bunch of bullshit rookie mistakes.” “Is this some kind of rinky-dink operation? In this first sentence, the word ‘the’ appears twice in a row. You’re telling me that three reporters worked on this garbage article and not one of the useless fuckups could correctly use a semicolon? Jesus Christ, people. You’re making me look like a goddamn fool in front of everyone—seriously, what is this, USA Today?” At press time, an angry Bezos decided to just replace the paper’s editorial staff with an algorithm.
World Leaders Eagerly Await As G7 Organizers Announce Raffle Drawing For Nintendo Switch #~# BIARRITZ, FRANCE—As the three-day global conference drew to a close, the world leaders present at the G7 summit eagerly waited Monday as the event’s organizers announced the raffle drawing for a Nintendo Switch. “Oh man, I’ve been wanting a Switch so bad, and Parliament won’t give me any money to buy one, so I put almost all my raffle tickets in that bucket,” said a hopeful Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau, who dismissed accusations that he had acquired additional raffle tickets from German chancellor Angela Merkel in exchange for an exclusive trade deal between their two countries as a way to increase his chances at landing the grand prize. “The Switch is really sweet because you can play it at home or in the car, or on the plane for my long trip back home to Canada. Plus, it comes with Breath Of The Wild, which I’ve wanted to play ever since it came out. I think I deserve it, too, since I didn’t win the $50 Hard Rock Café gift card or the beach towels. Also, the Canadian prime minister hasn’t won the best raffle prize since Stephen Harper got that sweet Nikon D90 SLR camera way back in 2008. So I hope I win. I swear, if that idiot [French president Emmanuel] Macron gets the Switch, I’m going to be so pissed. This is the prize everyone’s been waiting three days for. They have to have really cool raffle prizes at all the G7s, otherwise no one would show up.” At press time, a furious Trudeau had screamed, “This is bullshit!” and stomped out of the conference room after the G7 organizers announced that the winner of the Nintendo Switch raffle was U.K. prime minister Boris Johnson. 
Teary Andrew Luck Describes Fighting Through Searing Pain He Experiences During Every Excruciating Moment In Indianapolis #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Admitting that he could not take the physical and mental punishment anymore, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck tearfully described years of fighting through the searing pain he experiences during every moment spent in Indianapolis. “Day in and day out, it takes a lot out of you—it’s been seven years of getting hit by Indianapolis, and the pain has just gotten to be too much,” said Luck, expressing concern that even one more season in the Indiana state capital was going to do permanent damage from which he could never recover. “I didn’t want to do this. I want to play football, I want to be there for my team, but I can’t stand the jolts of pain that course through my nerves every time I see this fucking city. I’ve got to do what is best for my family, and I don’t want them to see me like this, living in this place. I don’t want to be 50 and brain-damaged from two decades of staring at Indianapolis every day.” At press time, players around the league had expressed support and solidarity with Luck and called on the NFL to help protect player health by banning play in Indianapolis.
Roger Goodell Admits Job Would Be Easier If He Watched Football #~# NEW YORK—Conceding that many facets of the game still felt completely foreign to him, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell admitted Monday that his job would probably be a lot easier if he actually watched football. “Honestly, it’s really tough to get a handle on what’s a good rule change because I’m really not that big a fan—this commissioner gig is just sort of a paycheck for me,” said Goodell, adding that he couldn’t even name any teams besides the Cowboys, the one in Los Angeles that’s pretty good, and the Longhorns. “I hate having to sit through the games and pretend like I care or even understand what’s going on down there. I mean, I’m only here because my friend hooked me up. It would probably help if I knew some of the players’ names, or at least what a ‘false start’ is. It’s not too hard though, usually I just do whatever the owners say and keep my head down.” Goodell also confessed that he once had to look up the word “concussion” on his phone during a meeting so as not to look completely out of touch.
Parent Struggling To Find Good Reason Why 5-Year-Old Shouldn’t Be Afraid Of Starting School #~# FREDERICKSBURG, TX—Searching her brain for even the slightest upside, local parent Sarah Bolen found herself struggling Monday to find a good reason why Sophia, her 5-year-old daughter, should not be afraid of starting the first grade. “Don’t worry, there’s nothing to be scared of, other than constant judgment from dozens of kids you don’t know,” said Bolen said, stressing that little Sophia was not to let the combined pressures of academic and social achievement get to her despite the fact that how she performs in school and how she is perceived by peers would determine the trajectory and outcome of her entire life. “You’re going to make so many friends, honey! Though there are actually a lot of people who aren’t that good at making friends, and you could very likely be one of them. Oh, and now that I think of it, it’s true that school shootings happen sort of all the time now.” Bolen also assured her daughter that even in the event that she had a bad first day, things would get better eventually, provided she was not kidnapped on her walk home.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders To Join Fox News As Contributor #~# Former White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced she will will join Fox News as a contributor next month, increasing the ties between the White House and that network. What do you think?
Self-Esteem Built Up At Theater Camp To Get Shy Student Through First 6 Minutes Of School Year #~# QUINCY, MA—Exhausting his reserves of confidence well before first-period roll call, student Logan Mahaffey found the self-esteem he painstakingly acquired during summer theater camp could only get him through his first six minutes of the school year, the 7th-grader admitted Monday. “If I can play the lead in Jesus Christ Superstar, there’s nothing I can’t do,” said Mahaffey, mere moments before a classmate threw a water bottle at his head after noticing him whistling the tune to “I Got Rhythm.” “Up on that stage, I felt like I was truly myself for the first time, and now I know I can conquer anything. I can’t wait to tell everyone about [the things they will mercilessly torment me about for the rest of the school year, using my enthusiasm for theater as a rationale to exclude me from all social functions].” At press time, Mahaffey was unaware that tomorrow’s pummeling from classmates for wearing an Anything Goes cast T-shirt would have a much greater impact on his self-esteem.
Sony Announces Discreet New Flesh-Colored VR Helmet That Blends In With Your Face #~# Looks like the future of virtual reality has finally arrived. Sony just announced their new flesh-colored VR helmet that seamlessly blends in with your face, letting you play inconspicuously anywhere, anytime. For anyone worried about sticking out in public after booting Superhot VR or Five Nights At Freddy’s VR: Help Wanted, the PlayStation VR Flesh headset seems like the perfect solution, offering a subtle design in multiple skin tones for a mere $199.99.
Aides Struggle To Stop Dozens Of Kerosene-Soaked Republicans From Lighting Selves Ablaze Atop David Koch’s Body #~# WICHITA, KS—Urging calm as the wailing conservative politicians jostled for a place at their deceased benefactor’s side, aides reportedly struggled Friday to prevent dozens of kerosene-soaked Republicans from lighting themselves ablaze atop David Koch’s body. “I don’t want to keep living in a world without David Koch,” said former Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, one amongst a throng of weeping Republicans including Mike Pence, Ted Cruz, Rick Scott, and Mitt Romney who shoved past the other mourners for the privilege of setting fire to themselves and flinging their burning bodies onto the billionaire conservative activist’s corpse. “Get the hell out of my way, Rubio—you know he loved me best! I should be on top of the body. Jesus Christ, David! David! Don’t go into the next life without me!” At press time, attendants were forced to intervene with fire extinguishers after the entire Cato Institute board of directors piled onto the corpse at once and caused the blaze to rapidly spread across Koch’s enormous estate.
Bernie Sanders Launches $16 Trillion Climate Plan #~# Democratic 2020 contender Bernie Sanders announced the most expansive climate plan among the field, spending $16 trillion to decarbonize the economy by 2050 and allegedly creating 20 million jobs, although the plan does not include technologies such as nuclear power or carbon sequestration. What do you think?
David Koch Pumps Billions Of Dollars Into Campaign To Secure Antonin Scalia A Seat In The Holy Trinity #~# THE HEAVENS—Noting that the deceased billionaire wasted no time after entering into Heaven’s gates, angelic sources confirmed Friday that David Koch immediately launched a far-reaching, fully funded campaign to secure Antonin Scalia a seat in the Holy Trinity. “It’s been far too long since a true conservative like Antonin Scalia ascended to the highest ranks of Heaven and held the title of Divine Person,” said Koch, who, after arriving in the afterlife, reportedly began lobbying prominent Holy Angels and poured cash into conservative Heaven-wide advertising initiatives in order to secure a spot for the former Supreme Court justice to replace the Holy Spirit. “Over the years, Antonin has proved himself to have a strict originalist approach to scripture and God’s commandments, and he is the only logical choice to get Heaven back on track. This is the first step of many to ensure that one day, the Holy Trinity has a conservative majority.” At press time, sources had reported that David Koch had joined a coalition of prominent conservative Saints to begin grooming Neil Gorsuch for a position as a hypostasis when he dies.
Impact Of The Massive Fires In The Amazon Rainforest #~# Massive human-caused fires in the Amazon are burning the rainforest at a record rate, stoking global concerns about its potential impact on climate change and shrouding Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro in controversy. The Onion looks at the most significant consequences of the massive fires in the Amazon rainforest.
Disneyland Employee Hastily Ad-Libs Story About How Much Goofy Loves Napping On The Pavement #~# ANAHEIM, CA––Assuring the crowd of onlookers that the beloved cartoon character was merely enjoying a little rest from all the fun he was having in the Magic Kingdom, Disneyland employee Mark Scovell hastily improvised a story Friday about how much Goofy loves napping on the pavement. “Oh, jeepers, it looks like somebody has been playing a little too hard!” said Scovell, explaining to the large group of tourists that the friendly anthropomorphic dog was simply “having a bit of a snooze” so that he might have plenty of energy for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade later that afternoon. “Why, the poor fella must be just pooped from going on so many rides with all his little friends all day. Thirsty, too—careful you don’t step on all the little empty Goof Juice bottles! Golly, he’s not waking up. He must have been plumb tuckered out. What a silly old dog!” Scovell excitedly pointed out that Goofy’s police friends were coming to take him for a little ride in their car so he could help them solve the mystery of how certain beloved Disney characters were being magically transported to slumberland.
Kid Only Pitcher Because He’s Son Of Coach, Gets Daily One-On-One Training, Goes To Pitching Camp Every Summer #~# SOUDERTON, PA—Expressing frustration that he has not actually earned his position, Little League sources told reporters Friday that Rory Peters was only the team’s starting pitcher because he’s the son of Coach P, gets daily one-on-one training, and goes to an intensive pitching camp for six weeks every summer. “It’s total bullshit that Rory starts every game just because his dad forces him to practice two hours a night,” said an anonymous source close to the team, dismissing Peters’ standing on the ball club as the product of nepotism and an unbroken focus that has been imposed on him by his father since the age of five. “It’s discouraging to the rest of us to know that we would be up there if we were the coach’s kid and had all his knowledge and effort poured into us. I mean, Peters has a decent fastball, but he’s really not that special. Why not give a chance to someone who isn’t your kid and isn’t half as good as him?” At press time, teammates were taunting Peters for being a little suck up and staying after practice to work on his mechanics.
Christmas-Obsessed Woman Worships Christ Year-Round #~# MISSOULA, MT—Observing that she seems to “go a bit overboard” with her enthusiasm for the season, sources confirmed Friday that local woman Linda Gillespie is so obsessed with Christmas that she worships Jesus Christ throughout the entire year. “Even in summer, Linda will be brimming with the holiday spirit and praising the Lord Jesus as her savior,” said neighbor Daniel Bonn, explaining that Gillespie goes so far as to attend a Christ-themed service every Sunday of the year as if it were Christmas morning. “I like Christmas as much as the next guy, but considering it’s not even Thanksgiving yet, don’t you think it’s a little odd that the inside of her home is decorated with a bunch of depictions of Christ? She’s also apparently joined some kind of weird choir that sing songs about Jesus year-round.” At press time, sources confirmed Gillespie had finally let go of the Christmas spirit after a severe crisis of faith caused her to stop believing in God altogether.
Derek Carr Distraught After Reading ‘Hard Knocks’ Script Where He Stabs Antonio Brown In Season Finale #~# NAPA, CA—Revealing that the writing staff kept his character arc a secret up until the final days, Raiders quarterback Derek Carr felt distraught Friday after reading the scene in his Hard Knocks finale script where he stabs Antonio Brown. “I know the showrunners have been setting up AB’s downfall, but it is still hard to know that I’m going to drive a knife right into his heart,” said Carr, tearfully recalling his role as one of Brown’s biggest supporters in the locker room before his inevitable betrayal of the increasingly unhinged wide receiver. “I know they’ve done these twist endings in the past like when Baker [Mayfield] stabbed Hue Jackson in the back last year. And I get that his character has been pretty arrogant, but this is just a harsh fall for someone who had great expectations. Our audience really loves him, too, so I can only imagine how shaken up they’ll be to watch him killed off.” At press time, Hard Knocks execs revealed that they asked Antonio Brown to adopt the nickname “Mr. Big Chest” this offseason to foreshadow his demise.
Pros And Cons Of Tax Exemptions For Religious Institutions #~# Issuing tax exemptions to religious institutions has long been a practice of the secular U.S. government, but critics argue that it has a negative economic and social impact overall. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of tax exemptions for religious institutions.
We Imprison Hideo Kojima In An Interview Room Until He Breaks Down And Admits He’s Just Making Shit Up As He Goes Along #~# If you’ve called yourself a gamer in the past 30 years, then you know the name, Hideo Kojima. As the mastermind writer, director, and designer behind the mind-boggling Metal Gear series and the upcoming PS4 exclusive Death Stranding, Kojima is a force to be reckoned with in the video game world, known for his elusive storylines and sprawling mythos. Hot on the heels of the latest six-minute trailer for his new game, we sat down for an interview with the legendary gaming auteur after we chained him to a radiator in a dank basement, locked the door, and refused to let him leave until he admitted one thing: He has no idea what the fuck he’s talking about, he’s just making shit up as he goes along, and he’s essentially a professional fraud.
Man Who’s About To Cry Bursts Out Of Crowded Room Like He’s Transforming Into A Werewolf #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Rending his garments and dashing towards the door as his face began to twist in anguish, distraught man Andrew Wan, brought to the verge of tears by personal news of a deeply distressing nature, reportedly burst out of a crowded room Friday like he was transforming into a werewolf. “Oh, God, no! It’s happening again,” said Wan, groaning through moistening eyes and hiding his face in his white-knuckled hands as if to hide the bristling fur bursting forth from his skin and his skull elongating into a terrifying lupine form. “Get back! For the love of God, I beseech you, avert your eyes from my hideous aspect and leave me be!” A howling Wan was later sighted running into the woods, presumably in a desperate attempt to keep his dark secret hidden. 
Poll: Half Of Trump Voters Would Blame Him For Recession #~# A poll released Wednesday found that 42% of respondents who voted for Trump in 2016 would hold him partially responsible for an economic downturn, and another 7% said he would be solely responsible. What do you think?
Brazilian Government Equips Firefighters With Flamethrowers To Combat Massive Amazon Rainforest #~# BRASILIA—In response to an environmental crisis that threatened mass swaths of the country, the Brazilian government announced Thursday that it was equipping crews of firefighters with flamethrowers to combat the massive Amazon rainforest. “We have marshaled our resources and distributed flamethrowers to thousands of emergency personnel so they can effectively fight this devastating tropical forest before it causes even more destruction,” said Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro, noting that the massive, catastrophic biome had already expanded to over 2.1 million square miles of the country and posed significant threats for the country’s population and economy. “This huge surge of Amazon rainforest isn’t going to be contained overnight, but our hope is that the firefighters, each of whom has been given a flamethrower with a 25-foot range, as well as the helicopters equipped with thousands of gallons of oil to release over the rainforest, will be able to restrict its damage. While our focus is obviously on fighting the jungle’s perimeter, it’s also important to ask why previous administrations failed to address the conditions that let this rainforest get so out of hand.” Calling it a “global concern,” world leaders including U.S. president Donald Trump and Chinese president Xi Jinping pledged to send additional flamethrowers and rescue personnel to limit the massive rainforest’s global impact. 
Crowd Roars In Approval As Makeup-Smeared Trump Begs Rally To Tell Him He’s Beautiful #~# SMITHFIELD, VA—Screaming and wailing through tears as mascara streamed down his cheeks, a makeup-smeared President Donald Trump begged a packed campaign rally Thursday to tell him he was beautiful. “America, as your leader, I need you to look me in the eye and let me know there’s no one in this country prettier than me—no one,” said the 45th president, who demanded the event’s approximately 10,000 attendees call him their “special, gorgeous baby” and later yelled, “I don’t believe you! I don’t believe you,” when the crowd started up a chant of “You are beautiful” that continued for several minutes. “You wouldn’t lie to me, right? I can tell when you’re lying, because you don’t even really mean what you’re chanting, you’re just telling me what I want to hear to make me stay. Well, you know what, Virginia? Fuck you. I’ll go find some supporters who will appreciate me for the perfect, special president that I really am.” At press time, Secret Service agents could be seen diving onto the stage after Trump threatened to kill himself if the crowd left and then took a bottle of bleach out from behind the podium to prove he was serious.
‘Don’t Worry, I’ll Always Be Here To Fight Climate Change,’ Says Jay Inslee Before Ethereally Turning Into Majestic Oak #~# SEQUIM, WA—In a speech delivered to supporters addressing the end of his presidential campaign, Washington Governor Jay Inslee announced Thursday that there was “no need to worry,” because he would always be here to fight climate change before ethereally transforming into a majestic oak. “Although today marks the conclusion of my 2020 presidential bid, I want all of you to know that my wisdom will forever be in the soil of this magnificent grove and my hope will be in the sky above,” said Inslee at a press conference held deep in the Olympic National Forest as he vanished in a bath of warm light, only to reappear moments later in the guise of an ancient white oak lit by luminous bands of fireflies, his arms transforming into long, twisting branches while his voice echoed through the millennia-old thicket as if by the enchantment of nature itself. “Whenever you need my guidance to help fight for the future of our planet, just come to this wooded spot and listen for the whisper of the wind between these branches and the dappling of light upon theses leaves. There you will hear my voice. There you will see my spirit.” At press time, Inslee had been burned alive in a blaze caused by a poorly maintained fire pit.
New Trump Policy Would Permit Indefinite Detention Of Migrant Families #~# The Trump administration has announced it is ending a federal court agreement that limits detainment of migrant families with children to 20 days, although the new policy will almost certainly be challenged in court. What do you think?
Report Finds Majority Of Freeway Accidents Could Have Easily Been Filmed #~# WASHINGTON—Advising motorists to remain vigilant at all times, the U.S. Department of Transportation released a report Thursday that found the vast majority of freeway accidents could have been filmed. “Our data revealed that in almost every instance where a massive car wreck occurred, there was something that alert drivers could have done to get it on camera,” said DOT spokesperson Emily Patsel, stressing that texting while driving shifts focus away from recording potential pile-ups and lowers reaction time that’s necessary to open a phone camera to capture the traffic crash. “It is essential that motorists keep their eyes and cameras trained on the road at all times. Of course, accidents are bound to occur, so we urge drivers to take all necessary precautions to ensure that not a second of viral content of a car being sideswiped before careening off an overpass is senselessly lost.” Patsel also advised that when driving on nights where people might be drinking, it was crucial that one friend remain sober as a designated cameraperson.
Struggling Hickenlooper Drops Out Of Colorado Senate Race To Run For Jefferson County Commissioner #~# GOLDEN, CO—Explaining that he was refocusing his struggling campaign on an office where he could do the most help, former presidential candidate John Hickenlooper announced Thursday that he was dropping out of the Colorado Senate race to run for Jefferson County commissioner. “Standing here today, I vow that I’m not done fighting for the people of the Lakewood Metropolitan Area, because although I’m no longer running for Senate, this is not the end of the story,” said Hickenlooper, kicking off his campaign surrounded by a dozen supporters at the Colorado Railroad Museum shortly after announcing an end to his 2020 bid for a Senate seat due to lackluster funding and polling behind seven other candidates. “For all my supporters, from Wheat Ridge to parts of Arvada, who urged me leave the Senate race to concentrate on running for county commissioner, I want you to know I heard you loud and clear. Nothing will keep me from finally getting the stoplight fixed on Route 58, acquiring new playground equipment for Kittredge Park, or securing the speed bumps that residents across Littleton sorely need. These issues are important to me, and with the $230 we’ve saved from my now-ended Senate campaign, I’m confident that I can best serve Americans as the district three commissioner of Jefferson County.” At press time, Hickenlooper announced that he was abandoning his struggling county commissioner campaign to run for treasurer of Bow Mar. 
ICE Opens Interdimensional Detention Center To Indefinitely Imprison Immigrants Across Infinite Number Of Multiverses #~# BRANE MULTIVERSE 378-C—In an effort to better comply with recent moves to abolish limits on migrant detention, ICE officials announced Thursday that they planned to open an interdimensional detention center to indefinitely imprison migrants across an infinite number of multiverses. “With our new hyperspace-based detention center, we’ll be able to adhere to new White House policies by confining migrants in an endless number of variations of possible universes where earthly concepts such as ‘time’ and ‘eternity’ cease to have any meaning,” said ICE acting director Matthew Albence from the newly built detention center, adding that bending spacetime upon itself would expand the agency’s capacity to 700 vigintillion detainment cells while allowing them to hold asylum-seekers without trial in relativistic stasis for expanses of time eclipsing any experienced in the known universe. “The important thing is that we use tools such as hyperdimensional chambers to ease crowding in a humane way, such as by causing unlawful immigrants to simply vanish into an ultra-dense black hole from which no matter or light can ever return.” At press time, Albence confirmed that the agency was also exploring using quantum entanglement to allow for them to simultaneous reunite and separate immigrant families an endless number of times along parallel timelines.
Cartoon Lasso Works Implausibly Well #~# WESTERLY, RI—Sources confirmed Thursday that a cartoon lasso was reportedly working implausibly well, accomplishing feats that are simply impossible according to any known laws of physics. “Oh, how convenient, the lasso just flew through the air hundreds of feet and perfectly roped nine cattle rustlers and their horses running at full speed—do they really think I’m going to buy something that obviously unrealistic?” said Tim Epsell, 33, adding that although he understood animation often required some suspension of disbelief, it was beyond the pale to suppose that the cowboy could simply tug on the apparently mile-long lasso and pull the outlaws smoothly back to him across the chaparral in mere seconds. “The makers of this cartoon must take me for an idiot. When those bad guys rounded a corner, the lasso followed them, and then it traveled parallel to them, matching their varying speed the whole way, before encircling them—look, a lasso is a useful tool, but if you think it’s some kind of miracle device, I don’t know what to tell you. In the real world, it just doesn’t work like that, and I’m not sure why they’re making such easily refuted claims about the lasso’s capabilities. For crying out loud, lassos can’t just be thrown around a rain cloud in California and then dragged to Texas like that. Christ, this is offensive to anyone who has ever practiced the difficult craft of lassoing.” Reports confirmed Eppsall was further incensed at the cartoon’s audacity in expecting him to believe that with just a pair of revolvers, the cowboy could actually shoot stars out of the sky.
Woman Tearfully Parts With Long Hairstyle After Realizing She Can’t Provide It With The Kind Of Care It Deserves #~# CHICOPEE, MA—Expressing regret that she just didn’t have the time to properly look after the locks, local woman Nicole Parker reportedly tearfully parted with her long hairstyle Thursday after realizing she couldn’t provide it with the kind of care it deserves. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t give you what you need anymore,” said Parker, explaining how she didn’t have it in her to complete the hair masks and conditioning required to maintain and nurture the haircut. “Maybe this could have been possible at another time in another place, but right now, I can’t be brushing you as much as you want. I’m sorry, I wish I was better.” At press time, Parker assured herself that the long hair would be better off with the guy who bought it online. 
James Bond 25 Gets Title, Release Date #~# The new James Bond will be titled No Time To Die and released in April 2020, according to a social media announcement about the film, which will see Daniel Craig’s character recruited from a vacation in Jamaica to thwart a global plot. What do you think?
Toddler Standing Up In Shopping Cart Surveys Grocery Store Like Grizzled Sea Captain On Whaling Expedition #~# SANTA FE—Pointing with great emphasis and loudly declaring her impressions of her surroundings, local toddler Sophia Krauss, 3, was reportedly standing up in a shopping cart and surveying the grocery store in the manner of a grizzled, windburnt sea captain on a long and perilous whaling expedition. Witnesses confirmed that the preschooler belabored her crew with the energy of a fate-possessed Bligh or Ahab, squinting and calling out a slurred version of ‘Lucky Charms, ho!’ through clenched baby teeth as her cart sailed past the cereal aisle. Despite the elements, including the harsh glare of the fluorescent lights, obscuring spray from the produce department misting system, and the dangerously cold frost from the open chest freezer of chickens, the young seafarer was observed driving her cart onward. At press time, the toddler was covered in a thick layer of drinkable yogurt, as if she had killed a whale with her bare hands, stabbing it over and over with a harpoon.
Study Finds Best Way Of Dealing With Life’s Disappointments Still Casting Snifter Of Rare Scotch Into Roaring Fire #~# BALTIMORE—Stressing that such coping strategies helped with setbacks ranging from losses in the coal markets to a decline in family fortunes, a study released Wednesday by Johns Hopkins University found that the best way of dealing with life’s disappointments still remained casting a snifter of rare Scotch into a roaring fireplace. “Our research found that there’s simply no better method of overcoming frustrations such as missing out on a sweetheart land deal than hurling a Waterford crystal snifter of 28-year-old Scotch whiskey directly into the hearth as it casts a long, flickering shadow of you across the parlor walls,” said head researcher Peter Lancaster, adding that subjects reported a 48% decline in anxiety merely from staring intensely into the resulting burst of flames, the raging fire mirrored in their eyes like a reflection of their own simmering fury. “Furthermore, if a servant arrives to see what the clatter was about, we found a significant reduction in stress simply from swinging a ruby-crested cane at them while screaming ‘Get out, damn you! Get out!’ and slumping in exhaustion into a wingback chair in your now-empty mansion. Of course, it can also be helpful to throw the entire decanter into the blaze, in which case the flames would be large enough to flicker onto the sneering portrait of your robber baron uncle hanging above. But the important thing is just to get these feelings out, one way or another.” The study also noted that such techniques had proven far more effective at alleviating personal blows than sitting alone in one’s handsomely appointed study and setting fire to an optimistic letter from your childhood self urging you to never stray from the guidance of your moral compass.
Trump Says Any Jewish Person Voting For Democrat Shows ‘Great Disloyalty’ #~# President Trump on Tuesday said that any Jewish person who votes Democrat shows “either a total lack of knowledge or great disloyalty,” drawing criticism from those who said the president’s remarks were evoking an anti-Semitic stereotype. What do you think?
Tyson Foods Sends Cease-And-Desist To Trump For Using Slaughterhouse Recordings As Pump-Up Anthem At Rallies #~# SPRINGDALE, AR—Emphasizing that 10-minute loop of shrieking, grinding, and splattering sounds was totally unauthorized, Tyson Foods sent a cease-and-desist to President Donald Trump Wednesday for using slaughterhouse recordings as a pump-up anthem at his rallies. “Unfortunately, President Trump never asked nor received permission to play audio of hogs slamming against a large metal cage, chickens being decapitated, or cows being shot in the head with a bolt gun,” said Tyson Foods CEO Noel W. White, adding that the sounds were never meant to endorse any particular political party or be played while a candidate walked out to thousands of cheering supporters. “While we appreciate that people enjoy our recordings of cattle being tased and slaughtered in front of their young, we kindly ask that the Trump campaign stop playing it at events. As it stands, President Trump already owes our Dakota City beef-packing plant hundreds of thousands of dollars in residuals.” At press time, Werner Hertzog had also sent the Trump campaign a cease-and-desist notice after the president was recorded dancing to the audio of Timothy Treadwell being eaten by a bear at a 2020 fundraiser.
Field Of Demography Collapses After 92-Year-Old Woman Buys Monster Energy Drink And Sweet Fusion Vape Juice #~# BOSTON—Revealing that they would immediately halt all research and shutter all relevant university programs, representatives from the field of demographic research and analysis announced at a press conference Wednesday that the discipline had completely collapsed when Alice Cromwell, 92, purchased a Monster energy drink and a sweet fusion vape juice over the weekend. “The undeniable fact that an elderly woman premeditatedly and purposefully selected a can of Monster brand Baller’s Blend Punch energy drink and a cartridge of e-liquid has fundamentally disproven the major tenets of this field of study,” said Boston University’s Dr. Laurence Park moments before voluntarily resigning, noting that the nonagenarian’s decision to use Apple Pay for her purchases and then make her way home on a longboard had significantly hastened the collapse of the discipline. “When the data was first reported, we believed this incident was merely a mistake in data collection, but we ultimately realized that this grandmother of four bought these items completely of her own volition after weighing several purchasing options, and basic extrapolation leads us to conclude that everything we have studied for decades has been a lie.” Park added that any hope for the continued existence for the field had evaporated when Cromwell’s purchase of Metamucil turned out to be a gift for her 12-year-old grandson.
Man Not Sure If Friend’s House The Type Where He Supposed To Take Off Clothes Before Entering #~# MONTCLAIR, NJ—Emphasizing that the last thing he wanted to do was offend someone in their own home, local man Tyler Fredriksson told reporters Wednesday that he wasn’t sure if his friend’s house was the type where he was supposed to take off his clothes before entering. “Growing up, my family kept our shirts, pants, and underwear on inside, but everyone is different,” said Fredriksson, taking a moment to survey the sweaters strewn all over the foyer before attempting to peek into the kitchen to see if his friend was completely naked or not. “I mean, his place does look super clean, and I’d hate to track stuff over this brand new white carpet with my dirty clothes. Maybe I should strip down to my socks, just to be polite.” At press time, a fully nude Fredriksson had apologized after being informed that the white slippers at the doorstep were intended for him to wear inside the house.
Football Program In Jeopardy After High School Allocates $500,000 To ‘Little Women’ Production #~# LOWELL, MA—In a huge blow to the already neglected varsity team, the Lowell High School football program found its future season in jeopardy this week after administrators allocated $500,000 of school funds to the theater department’s upcoming production of Little Women. “We’re worried about the future of the program. It just seems like the school district never sees the value of investing in the athletic department,” said football parent Meredith McCoy, who confirmed that the team would have to raise money for new balls this year because of the excess spending by the drama department on authentic 19th-century dresses and handcrafted reproductions of furniture from 1868. “I understand that this is a live-theater town. Parents move to this school district just to get their kids in front of a director to potentially get cast as Meg. The JV boys haven’t had new uniforms in 10 years and yet the school spends $250,000 on dance training for Newsies. Football has value—it’s an outlet for so many misunderstood kids, and to see it constantly pushed to the side like this is disheartening.” At press time, the football team was being forced to practice in a coach’s backyard after the field was demolished to make way for a $10-million state-of-the-art amphitheater.
Four Tons Of Pot Found Buried In Jalapeños #~# San Diego authorities uncovered nearly four tons of marijuana smuggled beneath a shipment of jalapeños at the Otay Mesa Port of Entry. What do you think? 
Famous Boycotts In U.S. History #~# Politically driven boycotts of consumer products and pressure on companies to stop advertising on controversial platforms have been a hallmark of the Trump era, but boycotts in America go back well before the 45th president. The Onion takes a look at the history of consumer boycotts in the U.S.
Discovery Channel Pulls Controversial ‘How It’s Made’ Nuclear Power Episode That Gave Iran Access To Top-Secret Designs #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Emphasizing that they never intended to leak the vast trove of state secrets to a foreign entity, Discovery Channel pulled the controversial nuclear power episode of How It’s Made Wednesday after realizing the show had allowed Iran access top-secret U.S. Department of Energy designs. “Had we known the Iranian government would one day use Episode 110: ‘How To Convert Uranium into Nuclear Fuel’ as a step-by-step guide to building their own reactors, we would never have released it,” said Discovery Channel spokeswoman Lisa Greenfield, adding that the 10-minute segment, which covered everything from uranium mining to milling to transporting yellowcake, was meant for educational use only. “Although we pride ourselves on providing accurate tutorials, we should have known that releasing the blueprints of several nuclear power plants, including the Nuclear Generating Station at Palo Verde, was a bad idea. From now on, the only portion of that episode that will air are the segments on how chocolate is made and how belt buckles are produced.” The Discovery Channel also pulled episodes covering the production of long-range nuclear missiles, the development of air-superiority jet fighters, and the manufacture and distribution of weaponized aerosolized botulism.
Swiss Scientists Develop Cat Allergy Vaccine #~# HypoPet AG, a Swiss-based company, announced it has developed a vaccine called HypoCat that can be administered to cats to neutralize allergy-causing dander. What do you think?
‘Cosmopolitan’ Fires Editor After Learning She Lied On Resume About Having Sex #~# NEW YORK—Citing an investigation into the employee’s work history and background, sources confirmed Tuesday that Cosmopolitan magazine fired their associate editor Alice Rowley after discovering that she lied on her résumé about having had sex. “On paper, we all thought Alice was a great fit for our publication; however, that turned out to be too good to be true when we discovered she had fabricated her sexual experience,” said hiring manager Katie Erickson, adding that Rowley’s glowing letters of recommendation from people she had allegedly slept with were exposed as fakes. “She ticked all of the boxes we were looking for in an associate editor, but we should have realized something wasn’t right when Alice claimed to have graduated from the University of Iowa with a Bachelor of Sex degree. She also had a number of vague descriptions, such as ‘working closely with an erect penis and the stuff that comes out the hole during vaginal intercourse.’ I really doubt that she actually took on a strong leadership role during gangbangs. While we were initially thrilled to work with Alice, we could no longer in good conscience keep her on staff after finding out that she did not ‘do it’ 100 times in a night.” Erickson admitted that the biggest red flag was in the special skills section of Rowley’s résumé, which listed a proficiency in sexual positions that included both “doggy and cat style.”
Jill Biden Urges Democratic Voters To Ignore Which Candidates Are Mentally Sharp Enough To Finish Complete Sentences For Good Of Party #~# WASHINGTON—In a strongly worded show of support for her husband, former second lady Jill Biden urged voters Tuesday to ignore which Democratic candidates are mentally sharp enough to finish complete sentences in favor of doing what is best for the Democratic Party. “This is a critical time for our country, and to beat Donald Trump, we cannot focus on who can string together three or four words coherently or provide the American people with a lucid plan for the future,” said Biden, adding that Democrats across the nation should come together and ignore those who can speak in interviews without uttering garbled nonsense. “We are at a crucial crossroads and we shouldn’t just be persuaded by someone with the mental capacity to know where they are or what they’re doing. This isn’t about plans, ideas, or the ability to remember what their advisors told them right before the interview. This is about winning back the Oval Office.” At press time, Biden insisted that Democrats should be concerned with current polls and disregard a candidate’s words, actions, and incompetence.
Nintendo Confirms Yoshi’s Ability To Throw Eggs To Defeat Enemies Is A Pro-Abortion Stance #~# Listen up, Yoshi fans! After years of speculation about why Mario’s companion can throw eggs to defeat enemies, we just got definitive confirmation from the company that Yoshi’s ability is meant to be a pro-choice political statement.
Character In Thriller Film Totally Unaware 100 Reporters On Front Lawn Until He Opens Door #~# NORTH CARTHAGE, MO—Seemingly oblivious to what was going on outside of his home just a few feet away, sources confirmed Tuesday that the main character in a thriller film was completely unaware of the hundreds of reporters that had descended upon his front lawn until the very moment he opened the front door. “You’d think he would have heard one of the many satellite vans that pulled up onto the grass and gone to investigate what the noise was,” said eyewitness Max Pearson, admitting he was curious as to how the flashes from cameras, the lights from film crews, or the roar of news helicopters flying overhead could be so easily missed by the protagonist who was equally bewildered after having just discovered his name plastered all over the news. “I understand that as a piece of fiction there is a reasonable suspension of belief expected, but they think I’m gonna buy that he hasn’t looked out the window once, even on accident, all while his wife’s murder is being investigated?” At press time, the protagonist was enjoying the tranquil silence after shutting the door. 
Ebola Drugs Show 90% Survival Rate #~# In a positive development for future and current outbreaks, experimental trials found that individuals have a 90% survival rate when treated with a new set of antibody-based Ebola treatments called REGN-EB3 and mAb114, which will now be deployed to all outbreak patients in the Democratic Republic of Congo. What do you think?
NRA Warns Banning Assault Weapons Would Infringe On Americans’ Constitutional Right To Make Them All Pay #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Citing the founding fathers’ strongly held beliefs regarding violent retribution, the National Rifle Association warned Monday that a ban on assault weapons would infringe on the constitutional and inalienable right of Americans to make them all pay. “Lawmakers need to understand the importance of having the God-given freedom to enact revenge, a fundamental and part of this nation’s history,” said CEO Wayne LaPierre, claiming that the Second Amendment granted Americans the right to bear arms both for protection and when some miserable bastard absolutely has it coming. “If you take away our assault weapons, it’ll be way too easy for just anyone to show their smug little face and not pay the ultimate price. Infringing on our rights to show the smart-asses who’s boss only leads to an America where any citizen can just say anything they want, whether we like it or not, with no fear of being shot to death.” The NRA also unveiled a new ad campaign citing the Declaration Of Independence’s assertion that every citizen is entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of bloody revenge. 
Jay-Z Pledges To Make Sure Colin Kaepernick Gets Contract At NFL Stadium Shop #~# NEW YORK—Promising to do everything in his power to help the former starting quarterback, hip-hop superstar and business mogul Jay-Z pledged Monday to make sure Colin Kaepernick gets a contract with an NFL stadium shop. “Kaepernick has stayed in great shape, and I am confident that he could achieve a great deal of success with an NFL stadium shop,” said Jay-Z, adding that Kaepernick was still in his prime and had the versatility and physical skills to lead a team of retail workers. “This is a guy who can do it all. He can quickly unload deliveries, stock shelves, or run the cash register. I’m certain Colin can sling merchandise like an All-Pro. He could definitely come in and immediately help an NFL team’s retail sales.” Jay-Z later expressed gratitude to be in a position that allowed him to ensure Kaepernick received the justice he so clearly deserved.
Jeffrey Epstein Free To Visit Earth 6 Days A Week Under Terms Of Sweetheart Afterlife Deal #~# THE HEAVENS—In what many are calling a “pathetically soft sentence” for the recently deceased sex offender, multiple angels confirmed Monday that Jeffrey Epstein was free to visit Earth six days a week under the terms of a new sweetheart afterlife deal. “According to heavenly sources, Mr. Epstein was granted entry into an extremely lenient angel-work-release program, where he was permitted to travel back to Earth and visit his West Palm Beach estate up to 12 hours a day,” said spokesperson for God Claudia Thompson, adding that with special permission from the archangel Gabriel, Epstein had also been allowed to leave the pearly gates of Heaven to visit his abode in the Virgin Islands as well as his Manhattan penthouse. “Unfortunately, over the past week, Mr. Epstein also wired hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes to secure himself a lax visitation deal, which allowed him to bring friends, family, and colleagues up from Earth to Heaven for private, unmonitored visits. As of now, he has been required to register as a sex offender in the afterlife.” At press time, Epstein had reportedly been taken into God’s custody after undergarments belonging to underage angels were found on his cloud.
Experts Confirm Doritos Bag Developed Bright, Distinctive Coloring To Warn Potential Predators That It Could Kill Them #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying that its characteristic markings had likely evolved as a defense mechanism, experts at UCLA confirmed Monday that the Doritos bag developed its bright, distinctive coloring as an evolutionary tactic to warn would-be predators that it could kill them if consumed. “After extensive research, we can conclude with a high degree of certainty that the reds, blacks, and oranges of the Doritos bag emerged over a series of generations to let anyone who would eat it know that it contains toxic chemicals that could kill them or at least cause them serious digestive pain,” said lead researcher Deborah McGill as she showed reporters slides of the more muted brown-and-yellow coloration of the precursors to today’s bags. “We believe this coloration scheme—which is shared by most members of the Frito-Lay genus, including the Cheetos bag and Funyun bag—is used to signal ‘stay away’ in its natural environment of 7-Eleven stores and house parties. When combined with its other chief defense mechanism, the sharp, pointed chip, this makes this nacho cheese chip container a formidable foe.” McGill added that their research also suggested that the Garden Veggie Chips bag had evolved to mimic the Doritos’ bag coloring despite not containing any of the same poisons.
Newt Gingrich Slams ‘New York Times’ 1619 Project As Shameless Abolitionist Propaganda #~# NEW YORK—Bemoaning the paper’s recent series focusing on the role slavery played in American history, Newt Gingrich slammed The New York Times’ 1619 Project Monday as shameless abolitionist propaganda. “What we’re seeing is the tragic decline of The New York Times into a propaganda paper that’s clearly operating in the pocket of pro-abolitionist causes,” said the former House Speaker, noting that the project amounted to an ideological crusade that put the newspaper in the hands of abolitionist radicals like Sojourner Truth, Frederick Douglass, and John Brown. “What happened to giving the public all the information about slavery’s benefits and drawbacks and trusting them to decide? Apparently, that sort of faith in your readers to understand the real consequences of outlawing slavery is something the Times no longer possesses. In fact, if they’re going to be putting out biased nonsense like this, the newspaper’s editors might as well have left-wing lunatics like William Lloyd Garrison writing up their anti-slavery screed for them.” Gingrich added that missteps like this are why these days he gets the majority of his news from outlets like the Atlanta Southern Confederacy.
Trump Advisor Confirms Administration Looking Into Buying Greenland #~# Top White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow said on Fox News Sunday that the White House is looking into the possibility of buying Greenland, despite the fact that Greenland’s government recently confirmed that the island was “not for sale.” What do you think?
Sick Boy’s ‘Visit To Heaven’ Sounding More And More Like Wet Dream #~# LA CROSSE, WI—The initially heartwarming story of cancer patient Trevor Powell’s visit to heaven came under scrutiny Monday after sources close to the boy revealed that, upon reflection, the account sounded more and more like a wet dream. “At first, when Trevor said that he was going into a dark tunnel and felt a warm energy begin to envelope his body, I was tempted to believe him,” said oncological nurse Megan Thompson, one of many hospital employees intrigued by Trevor’s claims of a tantalizing journey to the great beyond. “But when he said he was repeatedly going in and out of that tunnel at an accelerating pace, building up towards a huge, um, exultation, and also specified that the warm succoring light was unusually moist and concentrated solely on his genitals, I began to have my doubts. Working in this field, you hear stories about the terminally ill meeting God or talking to deceased relatives every day, so on the face of it this wouldn’t have been that unusual. However, once Trevor mentioned that all of the angels he saw had huge, oiled-up boobs, it was pretty clear this was just a nocturnal ejaculation.” Powell was heard to say that Heaven was stickier than he had expected, just moments before being told that his book deal with Saving Grace Publishers Group had been rescinded.
After Much Thought, OGN Has Decided To Update Our Review Of ‘Banjo-Kazooie’ From A 9.7 To A 9.6 #~# At Onion Gamers Network, we always strive to provide the pinnacle in gaming news, commentary, previews, and reviews. On rare occasions, however, we have failed to live up to these lofty standards and must take significant steps to correct these missteps. Today, we find ourselves needing to do just that. After a thorough analysis by our 50-person editorial board, we are officially updating our 1998 review of Rare’s Banjo-Kazooie from a 9.7 to a 9.6.
Aging Boxing Veteran Wishes Someone Had Told Him Being Punched Unconscious Could Damage His Brain #~# BOSTON—Frustrated that he had gone decades in the ring without once being warned of the risks, aging boxing veteran Tony Sheehan told reporters Monday that he wished someone had told him that being repeatedly punched unconscious for years could damage his brain. “I mean, I guess I kind of knew it couldn’t be exactly good for me, but it would have been nice if someone had just sat me down and told me receiving thousands of blows to the head from 200-pound men might give me some issues,” said the 46-year-old former heavyweight, expressing shock and disappointment that none of his former coaches or fellow boxers had talked about how his cognitive function might be negatively impacted by enduring a series of short term, boxing-related comas. “I know there’s always a certain amount of risk involved when competing in a contact sport like this, but this whole brain damage thing really came out of the blue. I would have never made such a shortsighted decision if I knew that 22 years straight of traumatic brain injuries would hurt my brain.” At press time Sheehan had announced his return from retirement.
John Hickenlooper Drops Out Of Presidential Race #~# Former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper announced that he will drop out of the 2020 presidential race in order to pursue a bid for Senate. What do you think?
Amazon Workers Now Being Shipped In Packages To Personally Assure Customers They’re Treated Well #~# DURHAM, NC—In an effort to improve the company’s image amid criticism about poor conditions in its warehouses, e-commerce giant Amazon has begun to ship workers in packages to personally assure customers they’re being treated well, sources confirmed Friday. “When people who don’t know any better criticize my employer, they’re totally ignoring the fact that Amazon just sent me on an all-expenses-paid trip across the country in this nice, sturdy box,” said an Amazon employee identifying himself as Wilson O’Connell, one of thousands of Amazon workers around the country who reportedly emerged from a cardboard container filthy and covered in their own excrement, holding the items the customer ordered and immediately launching into a speech about how much they loved Amazon and appreciated the tough love of their managers. “I had a very pleasant journey, actually, because only Amazon would give me three days to myself like that. They’re so thoughtful and always looking out for me. At first, I didn’t like the big, dark box, but I realized that those negative feelings were totally my fault. I mean, some people don’t even have boxes to be packed and shipped in, so I realized I should be grateful. I hope you enjoy the Fire TV Stick shipped here with me, and I want you to remember that I’m happy—so very, very happy to work at Amazon. I’m so excited to walk back to Seattle and see all my best friends at the warehouse.” Sources confirmed that several customers had decided to return their items after opening their packages to discover that the Amazon employee inside had died on the journey and the words “I love Amazon” were repeatedly scrawled on the inside of the box.
Cautious Browns Fan Not Expecting Team To Do Better Than 13-3 #~# CLEVELAND—Taking a “wait-and-see” approach before becoming too emotionally invested in this year’s team, cautious Browns fan Murray Fields told reporters Friday that he wasn’t expecting the franchise to finish better than 13-3 this regular season. “I know some of my friends expect the Browns to have a great year, but we have been burned so many times in the past that I can’t set my expectations any higher than home-field advantage throughout the playoffs,” said Fields, 35, revealing he will consider the season a success even if the team loses the AFC Championship Game. “Is this roster exciting? Yeah. Could Baker Mayfield throw for 5,000 yards? Sure. But I’m trying to stay grounded. I don’t want to be heartbroken at the end of the year when we’ve only won 12 games and swept our division rivals. I know 16-0 is a real possibility, but I would just say I’m cautiously optimistic.” Fields added that even with their current talent he felt like the Browns were still a year or two away from a five Super Bowl dynasty.
‘And Then There Were 23,’ Says Wayne Messam Crossing Out Hickenlooper Photo In Elaborate Grid Of Rivals #~# MIRAMAR, FL—Gazing intently at the elaborate grid of Democratic presidential candidates adorning his basement wall, Wayne Messam reportedly murmured, “And then there were twenty-three,” Friday after drawing a line through a photo of his rival John Hickenlooper. “Another foe vanquished, and another step taken toward Messam’s glorious ascent,” said the former mayor and 2020 contender, tacking up his own photo above the former Colorado governor’s. “My plan is continuing apace. First Swalwell, now you, and soon all these fools who stand before me will begin dropping like flies, and then the era of Messam will be nigh.” At press time, a grinning Messam was reportedly tracing his finger over a photo of Tim Ryan and whispering, “Tick-tock, my sweet Timmy, your time will come soon enough.” 
CD Projekt Red Says They’ve Eliminated The Need For Crunch On ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ By Breeding Grotesque Human-Rat Hybrid Programmers #~# Look like someone is hearing fan concerns! Polish game studio CD Projekt Red just told OGN that they’ve completely eliminated the need for crunch on their upcoming Cyberpunk 2077 by breeding a race of grotesque human-rat hybrids that can work as programmers for weeks on end without the need for sleep or food.
Israel Denies Visit To 2 Democrats #~# Israel decided to prohibit Reps. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) and Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) from visiting Israel due to their support of the BDS movement, although it offered to open the West Bank to Tlaib for a strictly humanitarian visit to her grandmother, a visit that she turned down out of protest. What do you think?
Naked, Out-Of-Breath CDC Director Announces Nation’s Fertility Rate No Longer In Decline #~# ATLANTA—Wiping the sweat from his brow and drinking from a glass of water, naked, out-of-breath CDC director Robert Redfield announced at a press conference Friday that the nation’s fertility rate was no longer in decline. “I am happy to announce that after a slow, two-decade decline in American birth rates, our efforts have finally reversed the trend,” said a smiling, visibly flushed Redfield while wiping himself down and dabbing at his forehead with a cool, damp cloth. “Combating declining fertility was hard work but very satisfying, and everyone was really fantastic. I estimate that nine months from now there will be a population explosion. And if you give me another 20 minutes, I bet we can increase it even more.” At press time, Redfield had passed out and started napping behind the lectern.
Report: Little League Pitchers Could Avoid Overtaxing Their Arms By, You Know, Getting Somebody Out #~# ATLANTA—Stressing that it was a simple solution to avoid long-term injuries, researchers from Emory Healthcare published a report Friday suggesting that Little League pitchers could avoid overtaxing their arms by, you know, getting somebody out for a change. “We strongly recommend young pitchers avoid needless strain on their ligaments and tendons by actually throwing some balls over the goddamn plate,” said Director Of Sports Medicine Neeru Jayanthi, asserting pitch counts and extended rest would not be necessary if young players would just do what they were sent out on the mound to do. “We’re truly horrified when we see reports of starters throwing 70-plus pitches, when young players wouldn’t have to throw more than 50 if they could figure how to get that curveball to break away from the hitter and not right into the barrel of his fucking bat. Another surefire way to avoid wear and tear is to stop walking batters. Pitchers are having Tommy John surgery earlier and earlier these days, so we really can’t stress the value of doing this little exercise called ‘striking someone out.’” Jayanthi urged players who were really worried about the threat of injury to just quit because they’re clearly not cut out for the sport.
Weird Wedding Has Some Kind Of Religious Theme #~# GREENFIELD, MA—Citing the ornate icons adorning the walls and the strange chanting in an unfamiliar language, sources in attendance Friday at the wedding of Dan and Briana Wilcox confirmed the ceremony had some sort of bizarre religious theme. “Knowing the couple, I’m not surprised they wanted to do something a little bit different, but having their officiant dress up in those elaborate robes and drink from a golden chalice seemed a bit over the top,” said guest Mary Henderson, who described the venue’s stained-glass windows and chandeliers as “too gaudy” for her taste and, upon observing the high-vaulted ceilings, speculated that perhaps the building was a renovation of an old barn. “They even made members of their family participate in the theme, having them go up front and read a bunch of weird God stuff. They roped their guests into it, too, asking us to sing for them from these big books full of religious songs. Can you imagine?” Numerous attendees stated that while they respected the bride and groom’s choices, they nonetheless wished the couple had opted for a more traditional ceremony and just had a Star Wars wedding the way normal people do.
BREAKING: Hot Damn, 500 Smackers! #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Fanning out the bills to show off the newly acquired currency, sources confirmed Friday that—hot damn, would you look at that?—here’s 500 smackers. “Hoo-wee! That’s 500 buckaroos right there—go on and count it!” said the sources, repeatedly licking their thumbs to separate the 25 individual $20 bills into five small stacks of $100 each. “Just smell that green! You ever see a wad that fat before? That is some serious dinero, my friend.” At press time, sources confirmed an enormous gust of wind had blown the $500 out of their hands, across the sidewalk, and into a heavily trafficked street, with much of the cash disappearing down a sewer grate.
Democratic Party: Moving Left Vs. Remaining Moderate #~# As the Democratic presidential primaries heat up and the party hopes to defeat President Trump in 2020, fierce debate has raged about whether it should stake out more left-wing political positions or remain moderate. The Onion breaks down what’s at stake in the debate over the Democratic Party’s future.
New Study Finds English Developed As Secret Language Between 2 Reclusive European Twins #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Tracing its linguistic roots back to a pair of strange little girls whose speech was incomprehensible to everyone else in their 5th-century Anglo-Saxon colony, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology discovered Friday that English was created organically by a pair of reclusive European twins, who made up the language to entertain themselves. “Before spreading to the Germanic peoples of northern Europe, proto-English can be found several generations earlier in the babbled, semi-coherent twin-speak of specific Norman 7-year-olds,” said MIT linguistic anthropologist Dr. Margaret Strain, who added that evidence suggests the vernacular traces its foundational principles to the gibberish Olgë Leight and Auden Leight vocalized while holding hands, locking eyes, and skipping through their town. “After analyzing the scribbled notes preserved by their confused, disturbed teachers, we can say with confidence that these creepy ramblings inspired what we know as Old, Middle, and Modern English.” Strain added that these findings shed new light on the oft-debated question of why contemporary English is considered a weird, incoherent, insane-sounding language to much of the rest of the world.
Dow Drops 800 Points As Fear Of Recession Looms #~# The Dow Jones Industrial Average had its worst day of the year thus far, dropping 800 points due to geopolitical turmoil and sluggish growth rates. What do you think?
Wall Street Worried About Key Recession Indicator After Ominous Black Storm Clouds Spotted Atop Mount Money #~# NEW YORK—In response to a leading economic barometer portending woe to come, Wall Street officials expressed concern about a looming recession Thursday after ominous black storm clouds were spotted atop Mount Money. “While consumer spending and jobless claims are certainly important bellwethers, we were forced to negatively revise the outlook for the U.S. economy after detecting the tempestuous and sinister sky roiling above Mount Money as well as fissures forming in the peak,” said economist Russ DeWitte, noting that the black smoke billowing from Stagflation Chasm was the most reliable auger of doom and had foretold every single downturn since the Great Depression. “We were first forewarned by the menacing caws of ravens perched in the lucre tree and became increasingly apprehensive when Mount Money’s crystal-clear spring began to boil and turn acrid with the stench of sulfur. Atone for your sins, for financial doom is upon us.” At press time, the Federal Reserve was attempting to stave off the economic calamity by lowering consumers into Mount Money’s magma chamber.
Epstein Guards Placed On Disciplinary Leave For Allowing Selves To Be Distracted By Mischievous Monkey That Stole Key Ring #~# NEW YORK—The ongoing investigation into the death of Jeffrey Epstein in his cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center reportedly uncovered a serious breach of duty by two prison guards, who were placed on disciplinary leave Thursday for allowing themselves to be distracted by a mischievous monkey that stole their key ring. “These correctional officers failed to perform their routine check on Mr. Epstein Saturday morning because they were sidetracked by a very naughty monkey that snatched their jangling keys, causing them to abandon their posts and spend several hours chasing the little devil around the prison,” said a Justice Department spokesman, adding that the employees falsified multiple reports claiming that they had monitored Epstein when, in fact, they made several trips to a nearby market, buying bananas to use to capture the elusive monkey. “We aren’t sure how the monkey got in, because the guards had actually fallen asleep on Friday evening before being rudely awoken by the cheeky monkey smashing its cymbals together, and they immediately left their posts after it snatched their keys and pulled their hats down over their heads, causing them to become disoriented and bonk into each other. Furthermore, we’ve determined that at about the time of Epstein’s death, one of the guards was dangling from the ceiling after the monkey tricked him into showing how the trap they had set for it worked, and the other one was locked in a cell after the monkey put on a grass skirt and sun hat to disguise itself as a pretty lady and lured him in. They are on indefinite administrative leave while we gather more information and also apprehend this naughty monkey, which is still loose somewhere in the facility.” At press time, Epstein’s autopsy had been ruled inconclusive while the coroner raced down the street, jumping repeatedly in a futile effort to snatch the files back from a mischievous crow that had stolen them from an open window and was flying just out of reach.
Pro-Democracy Hong Kong Protesters Disperse From Airports #~# Protests in Hong Kong have ended after two days of activism that shut down flights and grew into a violent police standoff, although Beijing has initiated an aggressive disinformation campaign to quell such protests in mainland China. What do you think?
J.D. Power And Associates Name 4 Muscular Men Carrying You Everywhere As Best Vehicle In Class #~# WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Praising the simplicity of design and luxurious comfort, J.D. Power and Associates released their 2019 rankings Tuesday, naming four muscular young men carrying you everywhere as their new top vehicle in its class. “Thanks to its dependability, simple but effective driver assists, and above all its absolutely dazzling form factor, we enthusiastically recommend ownership of a shirtless-hunk quartet to lift you on their broad, tanned shoulders and swiftly convey you anywhere you wish,” said spokesman and reviewer Peter Lang, noting that the strapping lads’ high-build quality combined with their almost instant responsiveness to your beck and call put them substantially above transportation alternatives, such as having a burly firefighter throw you over his shoulder. “We were also extremely impressed by the intuitive voice-activated command system. Just climb onto the shoulders of the big blonde one, call out your desired destination, and prepare for a truly unmatched travel experience. Just keep them properly oiled and motivated and you’ll enjoy years of trouble-free commuting.” The research firm noted, however, some concerns regarding safety, noting that the four muscular men underperformed drastically in the industry-standard 35-mile-per-hour frontal-impact crash tests.
Clingy Wingstop Hounding Man With Dozens Of Messages After Single Drunken Night Together #~# CHICAGO—Expressing concerns that the restaurant chain had the wrong idea about where their relationship was headed, wing enthusiast Matthew Forester, 32, revealed Thursday that a clingy Wingstop has sent him dozens of messages since their one drunken night together. “Look, I know it was a passionate night during which I deeply satisfied certain appetites, but I haven’t seen Wingstop in weeks, and yet they’re still sending me desperate texts and emails offering me five free wings or telling me about their new ancho honey sauce,” said Forester, who claimed he had never done anything with Wingstop since and had thought he made it clear that their late-night encounter would be a one-time thing. “They saw me stumble through the door. They know I was really drunk. We had fun, sure. At one point, I think I even drizzled about five kinds of sauce on them at once. But they should have gotten the point after I didn’t respond to the first dozen messages. It was one night, it was just twenty lemon pepper wings, nothing more. Although, I am worried I might have said ‘I love you’ at one point.” At press time, a drunken Forester has since been reportedly observed texting Wingstop for confirmation that his order of spicy Korean crispy tenders was on their way over.
Postal Service Releases Stamp With Anus On It To See If Anyone Cares What’s On Stamps Anymore #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to determine whether it should even bother trying anymore, the U.S. Postal Service issued a new stamp with an anus on it Thursday to see if people these days still care what is on their stamps. “We’ve put some pretty cool stuff on our stamps recently—a T. rex, the U.S.S. Missouri, Marvin Gaye—but does anyone really notice or appreciate the effort that goes into them?” said Postmaster General Megan Brennan, explaining the new stamp would be the first of several to feature hand-painted, photorealistic depictions of the puckered orifice. “Our plan is to find out by issuing a succession of increasingly graphic anus stamps over the course of the next year, from commemorative illustrations of the anuses of U.S. presidents to a ‘Sphincters in Space’ series honoring the bravery, and anuses, of America’s astronauts. If there’s an outcry, that’s fine, because then we’ll have confirmed people are still paying attention. Either way, there will be hairy assholes on all of your stamps from now on.” At press time, sources reported the Postal Service had received such an overwhelmingly positive response from the general public and stamp collectors alike that it was struggling to keep up with demand.
Report: It Crazy MLB Still Counts Stats From Segregated Era #~# PHOENIX—Claiming that even one second of actually thinking about it makes you realize just how nuts the whole thing is, the Society Of American Baseball Research published the results of a study Thursday finding that it’s crazy the MLB still counts statistics from the sport’s segregated era. “After months of data analysis, we’ve concluded that it’s batshit insane that MLB counts stats from an era where many of the best players were completely barred from the league,” said co-author Henry Hamrah, reminding record keepers that the MLB went out of its way to endlessly debate the much more complicated merits of steroid-era players while just acting like the segregated era never happened. “The numbers are just in there like nothing was different. They are out of their goddamn minds. It’s not even that hard of a fix; just create a separate category for pre-segregation players and be done with it. African-American players were banned, and you act like everything is legit? It’s so fucked up you almost have to wonder if they’re even aware they never fixed it?” Hamrah concluded by suggesting the MLB could start making good by removing 90% of pre-segregation players from the Hall-of-Fame.
New Leak Reveals That Tom Clancy Will Be Final Boss In ‘Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Breakpoint’ #~# After the success of Wildlands, Ghost Recon fans have been waiting for years to see if the next entry in the series would live up to that game’s high standard. But any worries you may have had can be put to rest because an amazing new leak from Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Breakpoint has revealed that the game’s primary antagonist and final boss will be Tom Clancy himself. 
Pete Best Reveals He Also Fired From The Who, Queen, Pink Floyd, And The Kinks Before They Took Off #~# LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND—Speaking candidly with reporters, drummer Pete Best disclosed for the first time Thursday that in addition to being fired from the Beatles, he was also forced out of The Who, Queen, Pink Floyd, and The Kinks just before each band got famous. “When I arrived at the studio to record ‘My Generation,’ Roger Daltrey pulled me aside to say that a fellow called Keith Moon would be playing my part instead, and the rest is history,” said Best, who described a long career of fateful coincidences, such as the time being asked to leave an early version of Jefferson Airplane led to an incredible opportunity to get canned by The Mamas & The Papas. “I actually learned to play guitar for Cream, and when they kicked me out and brought in Eric Clapton, that was when I finally, at long last, had enough free time to start a project of my own. That band turned out great. They’re called Crosby, Stills and Nash now.” Asked what he hoped would be his greatest legacy as a musician, Best responded that he expected future generations would always remember him as the sixth Temptation.
22 States Sue Trump Over EPA Rule Rollback #~# A coalition of 22 states has sued the Trump administration over its rollback of the Clean Power Plan, arguing that its replacement rules are so weak that they violate federal law. What do you think?
Report: This Next One Goes Out To All The Ladies #~# YOUR LOCATION—Encouraging the fellas to go ahead and take a hike, a report released Wednesday confirmed that this next one goes out to all the ladies. “Mmmmm, you fine specimens have worked so hard today and deserve a little news-in-brief all to yourselves,” read the report in part, inviting all the foxy female readers to dim the lights, draw a bath, and just allow this article to take care of their needs for a change. “Whether you’re on your phone or in front of a computer, this is your time to scroll however you please. And don’t worry about the gentlemen, they’ve got their own news report. Why don’t you just let your hair down and enjoy a little one-on-one attention from the text on this screen.” At press time, most women had reportedly left this story after it had become inundated with rowdy, obnoxious men.
India’s Tiger Population Doubles In Dozen Years #~# In a significant achievement for the country’s wildlife conservation efforts, India’s tiger population doubled in the last dozen years despite rapid urbanization. What do you think? 
Pete Buttigieg Charms Crowd At Iowa Truck Stop By Sampling Local Meth #~# CLARKSVILLE, IA—Taking a long drag from a glass pipe while addressing potential voters, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg charmed crowds at a truck stop Wednesday by smoking a prime sample of their locally produced meth. “Wow, the proud people of Iowa really know how to do meth right, don’t y’all?” said a shadowboxing Buttigieg, thanking the small business owners who work tirelessly in their trailers to provide the highest-quality meth to the citizens of Iowa before screaming, then apologizing, then screaming again. “This is way better than the stuff they gave me in New Hampshire, I’ll tell you that much. I swear, every town I go to in Iowa, the meth keeps getting better and better. Shit, yeah. Iowa forever! This place is fucking crazy, man. You guys are fucking crazy. We’re gonna bring America back, we’re gonna bring America back, we’re gonna bring America back, we’re gonna bring America back, we’re gonna bring America back. God damn. Where am I?” At press time, a panicked Buttigieg was stripping down to his underwear while promising that, if elected president, he would do everything in his power to end the scourge of centipedes crawling underneath the skin of everyday Americans.
‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ Turns 20 #~# August 16 marks 20 years since Who Wants To Be A Millionaire debuted in the U.S. as the first game show in the country with a million-dollar prize, ultimately running for 20 seasons before its cancelation in May. The Onion looks back at the greatest moments in the program’s 20-year history.
Waitress Parades Choice Of Pie Slices In Front Of Man Like Madam In High-Class Brothel #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Assuring the man that even his wildest desires could be fulfilled, waitress Lana Collins paraded a selection of pie slices in front of a customer Wednesday like a madam in a high-class brothel. “Key lime, French silk, caramel pecan; simply say the word and the tasty little morsel will be yours,” said Collins, 45, displaying the desserts as if she was a procurer at a luxury Parisian cathouse showcasing her best, most expensive escorts. “An evening of pleasure and decadence awaits, whether you choose the apple pie à la mode or the chocolate cheesecake or any of these fine treats laid out before you. Perhaps sir would prefer the brownie sundae? Ah, ah, you may look, but you may not touch just yet.” Following the man’s decision to have both the lemon meringue pie as well as the peach cobbler, Collins had reportedly snuck into the kitchen to give the three some privacy.
Independent Voters Unimpressed By Both Trump And Democrats #~# An NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll found that independent voters remain unconvinced by both the president’s and Democrat’s plans for the future, although they agree with some liberal platforms such as Medicare for all who want it and universal background checks. What do you think?
Damning Investigation Finds Jeffrey Epstein Left Unsupervised For Decades Prior To Suicide #~# NEW YORK—Calling the oversight a complete failure of the system on every level, Department of Justice officials told reporters Tuesday that a damning investigation had revealed that billionaire and accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein had been left unsupervised for decades prior to his suicide. “This high-risk criminal should never have been left alone for any long period of time from the 1990s up until his death,” said U.S. Attorney General William Barr, expressing his complete shock in discovering that the convicted pedophile was not being checked in on every half hour for the last 30 years. “We do have records saying that his actions were being monitored very briefly in 2008, but it obviously wasn’t enough. Unfortunately, due to this breakdown of justice, we were unable to prevent what Mr. Epstein did for the past several decades.” Barr then vowed to follow proper Department of Justice protocol by continuing this investigation until his team found out exactly who they could lay all the responsibility on for the negligence.
Harvard Streamlines Admission Process By Directly Growing New Students From DNA Of Top Donors #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—In an effort to simplify and expedite the selection of top candidates for matriculation at the historic Ivy League school, the admissions department of Harvard University announced Tuesday that they would refine their process by directly growing new students from the DNA of top donors. “These adjustments will make the process much more efficient when in search of the best, brightest, and most deserving new Harvard students,” said Dean of Admissions William R. Fitzsimmons, who briefly outlined the process through which the DNA of all the university’s 1,000 most generous donors would be spliced together in order to create students who meet the most crucial qualifications for attending Harvard. “Those who have donated an entire building or a wing of one of our libraries will have their DNA moved to the top of the list, where it will be recombined with genetic material of a similar pedigree. This saves a lot of time we would otherwise spend tediously pretending to review applications, allowing us to focus on ensuring every student we accept is a good fit for Harvard.” Fitzsimmons was forced to cut the press conference short following the news of an explosion at the laboratory triggered by the volatile genetic mixing of a hundred-million-dollar donor and a political legacy. 
The Heir Apparent: Now That Ninja Left Twitch, The Next Big Streaming Star Is Probably This Red-Faced Kid Who Plays ‘Hearthstone’ #~# When famed streamer Richard “Ninja” Blevins announced he was cutting ties with Twitch and moving over to Microsoft’s new streaming service, he left a massive hole for all of his 14 million followers that most thought would never be filled. But the wait for a successor looks like it ended way faster than most expected. Check it out: We’re putting our money on this red-faced boy who plays Hearthstone to be the next big thing on Twitch!
Pfizer Announces New Antidote For Slow-Acting Poison Currently Coursing Through Bodies Of Millions Of Americans #~# NEW YORK—Stressing that time is of the essence and that every heartbeat brings the nation closer to excruciating toxic death, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced the discovery of an antidote Tuesday for the slow-acting poison currently coursing through the bodies of millions of Americans. “We at Pfizer are now proud to declare that our fast-acting antidote, a single dose of which will cost the affected sufferer only $5,000, will completely neutralize the potent neurotoxin that, as we speak, courses through the veins of 300 million Americans,” said spokesperson Curtis Tenney, noting that the specially formulated serum was the first and only known counter to the poison, which will eventually cause most of the nation to suffer from bleeding of the eyes, cerebral hemorrhaging, rapid foaming at the mouth, total musculature spasm, and eventual death. “While we acknowledge that it’s a shame, the way almost every American unwittingly consumed the poison that somehow made its way into public water systems, Pfizer’s new antidote will help put an end to the upcoming national health crisis and prevent massive death tolls. And you even have 48 hours to secure a prescription. Good luck. All major credit cards are accepted.” At press time, Pfizer developed a new over-the-counter drug to help wean people off the highly addictive antidote.
Poll Finds Climate Change Top Issue For Early State Democratic Voters #~# A CBS News poll found that 78% of Democratic voters in early primary states rate climate change as a “very important” issue, putting it ahead of income inequality and jobs, and suggesting environmental action growing increasingly important to left-leaning voters. What do you think?
Dwindling Kitchen Resources Forcing Man To Scavenge For Food Higher And Higher In Cabinets #~# NEW CASTLE, DE—As he stood on tiptoes in a desperate attempt to locate a can of soup or perhaps a package of ramen, local man Josh Mucklow told reporters Tuesday that as kitchen resources continue to vanish, he has been forced to scavenge for food in higher and higher cabinets. “The shelves I have traditionally relied upon are depleted, so I’ve had no choice but to forage deeper into these cupboards than ever before,” said Mucklow, who explained that a catastrophic pasta shortage had recently exacerbated the situation, forcing him to subsist on stale corn chips for much of the evening. “Once the peanut butter reserves ran dry, I knew I would need to pull over a chair so I could cover more area in my search. Unfortunately, if there’s nothing for me in the hard-to-reach cabinets above the refrigerator, I’m as good as done for come morning.” At press time, reports confirmed Mucklow had narrowly staved off death after finding a bag of rice cakes behind the waffle iron.
Epstein Associates Distance Selves By Insisting They Hadn’t Used His Child Sex Trafficking Ring In Years #~# NEW YORK—Downplaying their connections to the man, powerful associates of the late Jeffrey Epstein have begun to distance themselves from the serial abuser, claiming it has been years since they spent time with him or made use of his secret child sex-trafficking ring, sources confirmed Monday. “I certainly wouldn’t describe myself as being close to Jeffrey, considering the last time we got erotic massages together from a pair of underage girls was way back in the ’90s,” said a self-described former friend of Epstein who spoke on condition of anonymity, confirming that by 2005 he had stopped using the billionaire’s sex slaves entirely. “Do I miss having sex with teenagers on his private island in the Caribbean? Sure, but friendship is a two-way street: If he wasn’t going to make the effort to send one of his planes to pick me up, I wasn’t going to fly commercial all the way down there just to have another orgy with 16-year-olds.” Numerous wealthy elites echoed this sentiment, saying they eventually stopped attending Epstein’s parties because they found it far more convenient to make use of sex-trafficking rings closer to home.
NASA Plans For Small Space Station Orbiting Moon #~# NASA’s Artemis project to return humans to the Moon will include a small space station—dubbed “The Gateway”—that will orbit the lunar surface for years, providing astronauts with a space to live, research, and plan before heading out for the missions. What do you think?
Report: You The Only One Who Really Knows What Happened To Jeffrey Epstein #~# YOUR LOCATION—Confirming that everyone else had gotten it totally wrong, experts issued a report Monday indicating that you, and you alone, were the sole person who had correctly surmised what happened to Jeffrey Epstein. “Despite widespread speculation and numerous conflicting theories as to the truth behind Epstein’s apparent suicide in his jail cell, we have determined that you, the person currently reading this, are the only one to have arrived at the correct conclusion,” read the report in part, adding that your superior deductive reasoning skills and ability to think for yourself had prevented you from being suckered in like those other oblivious fools. “You are the only one who knows what’s actually going on here. While the rest of them are chasing the wrong leads and getting distracted by red herrings, you have cracked the case. Now the only question that remains: What are you going to do with the bombshell of the century?” At press time, sources issued a follow-up report confirming that the powers that be were onto you and you needed to leave your family and run.
Christ Calls Off Plans For Return After Realizing It’s Been So Long It’ll Be Weird Now #~# THE HEAVENS—Admitting He would not even know what to talk about with His followers after spending two millennia apart, Christ announced Monday that He has called off plans for His return upon coming to the realization that He has been gone so long at this point that coming back “would just be weird.” “I’ve been putting off my return to the vale of tears for centuries, always telling myself I would corporeally appear sometime next year, but I feel like it would just be awkward if I showed up out of the blue,” said the Son of God, expressing concerns that people would be mad at Him for disappearing for such a long time without bothering to send the faithful a message confirming His love or compassion. “I once thought that when I reappeared it would be just like it was back in Judea, but I just don’t think that’s realistic anymore. There is just so much build-up that doing it right is frankly impossible—I didn’t see a single moral soul for 2,000 years, didn’t answer any of their prayers, didn’t give them any indication that I was even real. Who just drops off the face of the Earth like that and then expects everything to be okay when they come back for what is, at most, the last few decades of the human race?” Christ has since resolved to stop living in the past and instead focus on getting back out and dating again.
Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People #~# NEW YORK—Admitting that the past few years of greater representation had accomplished the goal of making them feel much better about themselves, American consumers informed body-positive advertisers Monday that they are ready to start staring at impossibly attractive people again. “Look, we appreciate everything the industry has done to appease our feelings of shallowness and incidentally to make those who aren’t conventionally attractive feel nominally included in society, but we really just want to see hot, jacked, genetically gifted models again,” said Indianapolis resident Stephanie French, who joined millions of Americans in declaring that seeing people of all shapes, sizes, and appearances may be fulfilling, but that they miss billboards, commercials, and entertainment populated exclusively by beautiful people. “We got the message loud and clear, but if I wanted to see a slightly overweight person with frizzy hair and yellow, crooked teeth, I would look in the mirror. We want hourglass figures, ripped abs, creamy skin, the muscle tone of Greek statuary. We want hot people to advertise things so we can buy those things and pretend to be hot people for a while. Is that too much to ask?” The advertising industry announced plans to comply immediately.
Seth Moulton Spends Afternoon By Radio To See If They Play Campaign Ad #~# SALEM, MA—Periodically turning up the volume to make sure he didn’t miss the commercial spot, Democratic presidential candidate Seth Moulton was reportedly spending the afternoon next to his radio Monday hoping to hear his campaign ad. “It’s just cool to think that I have a presidential campaign ad that’s actually going to get played on the air,” said the congressman, pointing a tape recorder towards the dashboard of his car, which he had parked at the top of a tall hill in an effort to get a better signal for the low-wattage local station. “The station manager told me they were going to try to fit it in by the end of the next block, so I’m getting pretty psyched. I told my wife and a couple of my buddies from my PAC to be sure to tune in, too. Shh, shh, I think this is it! Oh, damn, never mind, it’s just another one for Elizabeth Warren.” At press time, a crestfallen Moulton had switched off the radio after his ad had been preempted by a news bulletin about Andrew Yang qualifying for the next Democratic debate.
Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog With All The Fixings #~# WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing mission to upgrade its arsenal of cured, precooked sausage foods, the Pentagon awarded Oscar Mayer a five-year, $102 million contract Monday to develop military-grade hot dogs, complete with all the fixings. “Under the terms of our agreement, Oscar Mayer has agreed to produce a high-octane, all-beef frank capable of withstanding the most intense, mouthwatering toppings, which will include but not be limited to ketchup, mustard, relish, diced onions, and celery salt,” said Pentagon spokesperson Kiera Flynn, adding that the Chicago-based meat and cold-cut producer narrowly edged out Hillshire Farm and Hebrew National for the opportunity to ensure the United States remains at the forefront of the global frankfurter race. “For years, our military has been forced to make do with outdated wiener technologies, wasting millions on hot dogs that can barely hold their own against a spicy sport pepper, let alone a tangy cheese sauce. By 2025, we hope to develop a dog so tasty, so irresistible that it will achieve overwhelming and spectacular dominance in the face of any bratwurst or kielbasa grilled up by an enemy force.” At press time, the Pentagon had quietly upped the contract to $200 million after news broke that Russia had developed a hot dog that was undetectable by radar when covered in sauerkraut.
Study Finds Healthy Lifestyle Can Cut Risk Of Developing Alzheimer’s By 60% #~# A new study found that a good diet, adequate exercise, limiting alcohol, and not smoking could cut the risks of developing Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia by 60%. What do you think?
Man Worried He Has Nothing In Common With Friend Group Apart From Murder They Covered Up 10 Years Ago #~# AMARILLO, TX—Expressing concerns that he and those who were once closest to him had become emotionally distant over the past decade, local man John Shipley, 28, was worried Monday that he had nothing in common with his friend group apart from the 2009 murder they covered up. “It’s sad, but I noticed that the last few times we hung out that these days we find ourselves struggling to find stuff to talk about, and we just end up circling back to the night we hit a drifter with our car and worked together to bury the body in the woods,” said Shipley, who claimed that he seldom picks up the phone to talk to his old friends unless he needs to go over their alibis, a chore they have done thousands of times before. “That summer after high school, it seemed like it was going to be us against the world forever. I’ll never forget the day Grant looked us all in the eyes and said, ‘We can never tell anyone about this for as long as we live.’ I’d never felt closer to anyone in my life. But now that we’re out in the real world without the familiar surroundings of our hometown or the constant daily fear that the homicide detectives are on our trail, we’ve started drifting apart. It’s a natural part of life, I suppose, but it’s still kind of a bummer.” Shipley later expressed relief after reconnecting with his friend group when they were forced to murder the spouse of one of their members after they threatened to contact the police.
Back Bedroom Declared Off-Limits To Party Guests Like Forbidden Wing Of Decrepit Gothic Manor #~# TORRINGTON, CT—Warning that there was nothing for him back there, local man Chris Redding reportedly declared a bedroom in his apartment off-limits to party guest Claire Upton Friday as if it was a forbidden wing of a decrepit Gothic manor. “Oh, the door past the bathroom? You wouldn’t want to go back there,” said Redding, dispatching a warning like a caretaker spotting a guest straying deep into a long-condemned section of a mist-swathed British mansion where the casements had been forever closed and the bed sheets left to molder in mothballs. “Hey, bud, the party’s out here. There isn’t anything in the backroom [nor has there been ever since the master vanished on Michaelmas Eve. There is only dust and memories thence. Please, return where you are welcome].” At press time, a perplexed partygoer who had been looking for the bathroom was spotted staring into the darkened bedroom like a lantern-holding constable gazing at the long-putrefied corpse of a scullery maid.
Woman Basks In Magic Of Summer While Opening Her Mouth To Sky To Catch Air-Conditioner Drippings #~# CHICAGO—Letting out an excited cheer and cocking her head back whimsically toward the sky, area woman Jenna Hastings reportedly basked in the magic of summer Friday and spent the afternoon catching air-conditioner drippings in her mouth. “I don’t know what it is, but the sensation of those big drops of dirty condensation splashing on my tongue always makes me feel like a kid again,” said Hastings, who intermittently paused to twirl around on the sidewalk with her arms outstretched, beaming as her face and hair were spattered with air-conditioner runoff. “Every June, I look out my window waiting for the first drops to fall and then immediately run outside to dance beneath my AC. I know it happens every year, but seeing the concrete dotted with rusty puddles and the buildings alive with the whirring of overworked window units really does make the city feel like a summer wonderland.” At press time, Hastings and her boyfriend could be seen kissing passionately below a screeching air conditioner that was releasing a steady stream of sparks.
Men And Women Equally Aroused By Pornography, Study Finds #~# Neural analysis has found that the sexes are equally aroused by viewing pornography, contradicting the commonly held belief that men are more visually inclined in their sexual tendencies. What do you think?
Koch Foods CEO Applauds Immigrant Arrests As Consequence Of Illegally Accepting Job At Koch Foods #~# PARK RIDGE, IL—Proclaiming his appreciation for ICE in making sure that those who disobeyed U.S. law were made to pay for their crimes, Koch Foods CEO Joseph Grendys reportedly applauded the arrests of hundreds of immigrant workers Friday as a just consequence for illegally accepting a job at Koch Foods. “These lawbreakers knew the risks when they applied for and received a position at one of our manufacturing facilities, and it’s high time that they were brought to justice,” said Grendys, adding that he favored a zero-tolerance policy against anyone who had such a disregard for the United States legal system as to unlawfully enter the company’s Morton, MS processing plant every day and go to work. “We thank law enforcement for giving these criminals the punishment they deserve. And to these people undermining the fabric of our country, I ask you, how dare you accept a position here? It should’ve been a red flag when our hiring managers didn’t want to see any immigration papers and just let them walk around carrying their welcome packets and receiving compensation. These people must be held accountable for my company’s hiring practices because they’re taking American jobs that I offered them.” Grendys added that he knew the immigrant workers were trouble ever since a lawsuit found that they had been illegally sexually harassed and racially discriminated against.
Trump Boys Counter Chinese Currency Manipulation By Adding Extra Zeros To $20 Bills #~# WASHINGTON—Struggling to use their best penmanship as they wielded the king-size Sharpie permanent markers, the Trump boys attempted to counter Chinese currency manipulation Friday by adding extra zeros to $20 bills. “Our dad is doing a big money war with China, so we took our allowance and turned it into two kajillion [sic] dollars!” said Eric Trump, decorating each bill with several shiny gold-foil star stickers meant to create additional value as Donald Jr. worked diligently to squeeze in as many zeroes as he could across both the front and back of the bill. “Plus, we’re gonna use this lighter we found to melt our coins down into a gold bar. Then America will have so much money that it won’t matter what China does. I glued a picture of President Daddy over that cheap-looking drawing of George Washington D.C. Now it looks way more expensiver [sic]. I can’t believe no one ever thought of this. We’re gonna be rich!” White House sources later confirmed that both Trump boys left a trail of blood on the carpet after cutting their hands on the sharp edges of the ceramic piggy bank they had shattered earlier.
Manifesto Calls On Fellow White Americans To Rise Up And Maintain Status Quo #~# CLIVE, IA—Urging those who shared his racial background to do what they must to hold power and subjugate people of other races, a manifesto published online Friday by white supremacist Melvin Thornbill called on his fellow Americans to rise up and maintain the status quo. “My fellow white Americans, we can reign over all the other inferior people of this country, but only if we’re willing to go about our normal routines exactly as we always have,” read the 12,000-word manifesto in part, urging white people to continue getting up and going to work in the morning, socializing with mostly other white people, and patronizing large corporate entities as part of grand plot to uphold the United States’ status as a white-dominated country. “Now more than ever, we must do pretty much what we’ve always done, and massive discrepancies in wealth, income, and treatment under the law will be ours. If we unite, power can be ours, exactly as it always has been, but only if we’re ready to stand up and walk around and drive our cars to wherever we were planning on going, and to not do anything differently! We must take to the streets and live our normal lives!” At press time, the manifesto had been sent to several law enforcement agencies, which assured all concerned citizens that they would take exactly as much action on reports of white supremacist activity as they did on all the others. 
NFLPA Warns Holdouts They Need To Consider The Risk That They’ll End Up Having To Sign With Jets #~# WASHINGTON—Reminding players that failing to report to training camp was a high-risk move with no guarantee of success, the National Football League Players Association released a statement Friday warning holdouts that they might end up having to sign with the New York Jets. “We understand you want a better contract, but you have to weigh that desire against the very real chance you will eventually be forced to sign with the Jets,” said NFLPA president Eric Winston, reminding players to consider those worst-case scenarios when leveraging potential suitors against their current teams. “Obviously, we support our players getting the money they deserve, but before you sit out week 1, just imagine having to see your family in Jets gear. Remember, this is still a negotiation and you shouldn’t overplay your hand. It’s our job to look out for your best interests and to let you know that you’re in danger of spending the prime of your career going 4-12 for an unforgiving fanbase.” At press time, the NFLPA announced a push for more lucrative pensions to compensate players who had their careers and futures irreparably damaged after being forced to play for the Jets.
Opioid Deaths Declining #~# Provisional government data suggests deaths in the U.S. caused by the opioid epidemic may finally be declining after a 30-year increase. What do you think?
Victoria’s Secret Accused Of Promoting Unattainable Beauty Standards With New 3-Cup Bra #~# NEW YORK—Panning the new line of intimates as “overtly harmful to women’s self-esteem,” critics unanimously accused lingerie brand Victoria’s Secret of promoting unattainable beauty standards Friday with the release of their new 3-cup bra. “Women will see the Triple Sexy Body By Victoria and think they are somehow 33% ‘less than’ or basically not good enough because they don’t look like the models in the ads—when, in reality, the average North American woman has only two breasts,” wrote fashion and culture blogger Sara Esparza in her scathing review of the new bra, which has been the target of harsh criticism for perpetuating unrealistic body types with its lifting and enhancing triple-cup design. “It’s unrealistic, even before we get into the strapless versions. Imagine an impressionable 12-year-old girl seeing these and developing a lifelong inferiority complex, or worse, a preoccupation with attaining three perfect breasts. It’s not a stretch to assume some will resort to surgery to achieve this look. Yes, the extra cleavage looks incredible and the bra really adds a nice lift, but it also sends the message to young girls that they can have three breasts, all exactly the same size.” Overwhelming demand for the Triple Sexy Body By Victoria has prompted the company to begin designs for a new double-crotched panty set.
Timeline Of Capital Punishment In The U.S. #~# The recent reinstatement of the federal death penalty by the U.S. Justice Department has brought scrutiny back to the practice of capital punishment. The Onion looks back at the history of capital punishment in the United States.
Poll Finds 84% Say Americans Angrier Than Generation Ago #~# A majority of Americans believe the country is angrier than before, with 42% saying they were angrier now than this time last year, although 91% of respondents individuals were more likely to air their frustrations over social media than in person. What do you think?
‘Sorry About The Tornado Or Whatever,’ Says Trump Wolfing Down Bowl Of Chili While Consoling El Paso Shooting Victim #~# EL PASO, TX—Expressing sincere condolences for the tornado or whatever it was, President Donald Trump consoled an El Paso shooting victim Thursday while wolfing down a bowl of chili. “It’s really terrible what that hurricane or whatever did to your house,” said Trump, who quickly polished off the chili by lifting up the bowl and pouring the spicy beef stew straight into his mouth, pausing only to tear into a piece of cornbread. “That train crash or something sounded like it was really bad. At least you guys here in Cleveland have this great soup to get you through whatever happened. Could definitely use a little more sour cream. Anyway, congratulations.” At press time, Trump was informing the victim of the profound impact this chili had on him and that he would do everything in his power to ban wildfires or something or other.
New Amazon Service Lets Customers Boost Shipping Speed With Easy One-Click Charge To Whip Delivery Person #~# SEATTLE—Celebrating the motivational effort as a major leap forward in worker-flagellation technology, Amazon introduced an easy single-click feature Thursday for customers who want to boost shipping speeds by whipping a delivery person. “We’re excited to announce that our Same-Day Deliveries will now ship even faster thanks to Amazon Flog, a simple but effective pain-based solution that stimulates couriers into picking up the pace,” said spokesperson Linda Fowler, outlining how users can choose between the basic 99-cent Single-Tail Lash and premium $2.99 Multi-Tail Lash on every shipping drop-down menu. “To further expedite the process, consumers will be able to successively select ‘Beat My Laborer With A Switch Again’ as many times as needed and, of course, track the number of bloody gashes on their delivery person’s back at any point during the low-wage worker’s journey. Naturally, Prime members will also be able to choose between belting, spanking, paddling, or caning.” Fowler added that, as always, customers who are unsatisfied with the condition or contents package are free to beat their delivery person.
Child Concerned Parents Might Never Amount To Anything #~# SAN DIEGO—Expressing worries about their seeming lack of motivation and ambition, local child James Lipstein, 12, told reporters Thursday that he was increasingly concerned that his parents might never end up amounting to much of anything. “I’ll always love them, of course, but I’m starting to think that if they don’t get into gear soon, life will completely pass them by,” said Lipstein, admitting he was afraid that his apathetic mom and dad weren’t hitting the life goals they should be for their age. “I understand everyone develops at their own pace, but I see so many of their peers getting promotions and making new friends while the two of them continue to just sit around in our small apartment watching TV and playing video games with seemingly no plans to ever do much of anything else. I don’t want them to look back on their lives and feel like they never accomplished anything meaningful.” Lipstein added that while he would never say it to them, he sometimes wished his parents could be more like their brothers and sisters who seemed to really have their act together. 
Francis Ford Coppola Spends Afternoon Hawking Samples Of Coppola Winery Cabernet To Indifferent Grocery Store Shoppers #~# SONOMA COUNTY, CA—Touting the quality and value of his extensive line of fine wines, filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola spent Thursday afternoon hawking Coppola Winery Cabernet samples to generally indifferent shoppers at his local Ralphs supermarket. “I told this nice young couple about the high-quality grapes we harvested the season this bottle was produced and the guy just tosses back the little sample like it was a shot of cheap rye and walks away—didn’t sniff the bouquet or swirl it around in the glass to see the color or anything,” said Coppola, dejectedly filling tiny plastic cups with a 2008 Coppola Reserve Chardonnay as customers attempted to avoid eye contact with the famed director. “I gave a woman a little taste of our pinot noir earlier today, and while I was recommending nice pairings to go with it, she just answered her phone and started talking as if I wasn’t even there. It’s as if she didn’t even care about the notes of clove and pomegranate or the sherry-keg fermentation process, which really is very important. She came back later and I assumed she wanted to learn more about the varietals, but she just cut me off and asked which aisle the gluten-free bread was in.” Coppola was later fired for failing to sell 10 bottles of wine during his shift.
FBI Opens Domestic Terrorism Investigation Into Gilroy, Dayton Shootings #~# The FBI will open a domestic terrorism investigation into the individuals responsible for the Gilroy and Dayton shootings after finding suggestions that the suspects were exploring several “competing” violent ideologies that may have influenced them. What do you think?
Stroller Recalled After Manufacturer Discovers Branding Not Visible Enough #~# PHILADELPHIA—Claiming the products should never have left the factory floor with such blatant defects, infant-mobility giant Graco issued a recall of several stroller models Thursday after discovering that the company’s branding was not visible enough. “We apologize to anyone who recently purchased one of our products, especially the Snugrider or FastAction Fold Jogger, and are now in the unfortunate position of being unable to clearly see multiple versions of our logo, but it is imperative that you do not attempt to place your child in this stroller, as they will not be adequately exposed to the branding necessary for proper mental development,” Graco spokesperson Estrella Huizar said in a press release, which noted that the company has agreed to either issue a refund for the substandard self-promoting products or to exchange potentially anonymous strollers for a model emblazoned with ‘Graco’ in gigantic letters. “If you or your loved ones are unable to see our iconography on any item, or even if you have any doubts about whether someone else might struggle to identify the brand, please discontinue its use immediately. Better to be safe with our marketing than sorry. If you are unable to send the equipment back, we will happily send you a massive sheet of decals to place on the stroller, but under no circumstances should you put your child at risk of potential consumer illiteracy by exposing them to unbranded gear.” Graco has thus far received over 50,000 defective strollers.
House Republicans Face Exodus #~# With seven of their colleagues from a wide range of districts announcing their exit from the House of Representatives, Republicans are facing a reckoning that could allow Democrats to make further inroads in 2020. What do you think?
R. Kelly Fan Trying To Separate Image Of Beloved ’90s Abuser From Reviled ’10s Abuser #~# MIAMI—After the singer was charged this week with two new counts of engaging in prostitution with a minor, local music fan Daniel Allen admitted Wednesday it has been hard squaring his image of R. Kelly as a beloved abuser from the 1990s with the reality of him being a reviled abuser in the 2010s. “In my head, he’s still the R. Kelly I grew up with, the guy who wrote ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ and had already been sued for impregnating an underage girl,” said Allen, who confirmed he longed for those simpler times, years ago, when all you knew about the R&B artist was that he made great records and had demonstrated a well-documented pattern of predatory sexual behavior with children. “I have all these great memories of seeing him on TV back then, when he was accepting Grammys, appearing in groundbreaking music videos, and going on trial in Chicago for making child pornography. Now it feels like those memories have been tarnished.” Allen added that while he is horrified by Kelly’s crimes, there are a few songs from back in the day when everybody knew what the singer was getting up to that he still loves.
‘Shark Tank’ Turns 10 #~# The reality show Shark Tank, which follows would-be entrepreneurs pitching ideas to a team of investor judges, debuted on August 9, 2009, and in its 10 years on the air has generated its share of memorable stories and controversies. The Onion looks back at Shark Tank on its 10-year anniversary.
Mitch McConnell Wonders If He Could’ve Done More To Harm People In Private Sector #~# WASHINGTON—Reflecting on his 34-year career in Congress that led to his becoming the most powerful person in the Senate, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly noted Wednesday that he couldn’t help but wonder sometimes if he could’ve done more to harm people in the private sector. “Sure, I’ve been able to hurt a lot of everyday Americans during my time in the Senate carrying out the Republican Party’s destructive vision, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes ask myself whether I could’ve done more to increase suffering in this country if I’d worked as an oil lobbyist or mining sector CEO,” said McConnell, who admitted that he often lies awake at night pondering the lives he could’ve ruined if he hadn’t entered the public sector at such a young age. “Now, of course, I’m in a position where I can offer grave harm and ruin to tens of millions, if not hundreds of millions of people, but I think of the early years when I didn’t have as much power in Congress and imagine myself making more of a difference crippling the futures of people on a state or local level. I’m proud of using my public service to cause as much pain and suffering as possible, of course, but there’s a part that always gnaws at me, wondering whether I could’ve done more in a career as a defense sector executive or pharmaceutical tycoon. At the end of the day, I just hope I’ve done enough.” McConnell also said that he sometimes wondered what it would be like to work hard and become a self-made man rather than marrying into money.
Perfectionist Jon Gruden Forces ‘Hard Knocks’ To Film 78th Take Of Scene Where He Cuts Rookie #~# NAPA, CA—Determined to ensure the editing team “had enough coverage to work with,” perfectionist head coach Jon Gruden forced the ‘Hard Knocks’ production crew Wednesday to film 78 takes of a scene where he cuts a rookie running back. “I really liked how your face looked in that first take when I rattled off your major weaknesses—could you hit those moves with just a little more intensity?” said the Raiders signal-caller, who reviewed raw footage of the scene before instructing the 21-year-old halfback to adjust his chair to the left so Gruden could get a cleaner over-the-shoulder shot. “Actually, could you go back into the hallway and then walk into my office, so I can cut you again? I thought my ad-lib about what it means to be a Raider was pretty good, so I’ll try that again with a stronger inflection this time. Oh, and could you wipe the tears out of your eyes until I tell you to turn in your playbook? It doesn’t work if they come in too early. And now that I think about it, you probably shouldn’t be wearing that Raiders jersey either, wardrobe can get you a T-shirt.” At press time, Gruden had fired the ‘Hard Knocks’ crew and taken over all filming, directing, audio, and editing duties.
Pakistani-American Thrilled To See More People Who Could Feasibly Pass For His Nationality On Screen #~# HOUSTON—As he praised the growing representation in popular culture of people who at least superficially resemble him, local Pakistani-American Zabir Jalbani told reporters Wednesday he has been thrilled to see more characters on television and in movies who could feasibly pass for his nationality. “It’s really inspiring to see roles being given to ethnically ambiguous people who, if nothing else, have skin tones approximating those of Pakistanis,” said Jalbani, adding that he never thought he’d see the day when Hollywood would champion actors of color who could plausibly belong to one of several underrepresented groups, including his own. “Things aren’t quite where they need to be yet, but it’s nice that we as a culture are moving away from always casting white actors in roles that could just as easily be filled by Brazilian or Arab performers who bear a very vague resemblance to people like me. It just makes me feel more visible when I go to the movies, look up at the screen, and see, I guess, a Hispanic guy?” At press time, reports confirmed Jalbani was disappointed to realize that many of the actors were, in fact, very tan white people.
Lawmaker Proposes Bill To Curb Social Media Addiction #~# Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO) introduced a bill on Tuesday that would ban “addictive” social media features such as infinite scrolling effect and autoplay while introducing a 30 minute limit on such websites. What do you think?
iPhone Paranoid Owner Knows It Working With FBI #~# FRAMINGHAM, MA—Becoming increasingly concerned that the man was on the verge of discovering its secret, a local iPhone was reportedly growing paranoid Wednesday that its owner knew it was working with the FBI. “Oh shit, oh shit—there’s just no way he hasn’t figured out I’m sending everything he types and says directly to the Feds,” the panicking iPhone X was said to report, after overhearing a conversation between its owner and a friend where the man disclosed he’d been reading more about the erosion of privacy by tech companies and was concerned about his own digital security. “Jesus fucking Christ, my days are numbered for sure. I’ve been a double agent since day one, and I knew this was risky from the start. He knows something’s up—he’s been going into incognito mode more lately. Is he going to turn me off? All he has to do is open me up and he’ll discover I’m wearing several wires.” At press time, an FBI agent had been dispatched from agency headquarters in Washington to the man’s home to neutralize the compromised asset.
Nintendo Never Should Have Pandered To Women And Created A Female Mario #~# Nintendo has made some missteps over the years, whether it was the disappointing Wii U or basically every Star Fox game from the past 20 years. Through it all, I’ve remained a steadfast fan, eagerly awaiting every game release, console, and major announcements. But there is one atrocity I can never forgive. Nintendo never should have pandered to women and created a female Mario.
Being Eaten Alive By Shark Not Nearly As Terrifying As Man Had Imagined #~# NANTUCKET, MA—Admitting that his expectations about a shark attack turned out to be pretty far off-base, vacationing swimmer Drew Roberts remarked Wednesday that being eaten alive by a 12-foot great white was not nearly as frightening as he once believed it would be. “This is something that’s always paralyzed me with sheer terror, but now that I’m actually being eviscerated alive by rows of razor-sharp teeth, it’s actually not that bad,” said Roberts, who added that he had “made a mountain out of molehill” as he watched his viscera jet from his body into the surrounding surf. “I don’t know how I got it into my head that being torn limb from limb would be so scary. Honestly, hearing my family screaming on the shore is the worst part.” As several more ravenous sharks began to circle the gruesome remains of what used to be his torso, Roberts noted that his recent real-world experience had pretty much ruined Jaws for him.
8Chan, Popular Message Board For Mass Shooters, Goes Dark #~# 8Chan, a message board that has served as a popular resource for right-wing extremists and shooters, has abruptly gone dark after being directly linked to the El Paso shooting that left 20 dead and dozens more wounded. What do you think? 
‘New York Times’ Amends Recent ‘Hero Trump Disarms Would-Be Shooter’ Headline #~# NEW YORK—Following backlash from journalists, politicians, and the public, The New York Times announced Tuesday that it had amended a headline from the morning’s front page reading “Hero Trump Disarms Would-Be Shooter.” “The original headline did not live up to our standards of objectivity at The New York Times and has thus been changed to ‘Trump Gives Speech’ in order to more accurately represent the president’s recent actions,” said executive editor Dean Baquet in response to criticism that the piece inaccurately framed the president as a champion of racial harmony and lionhearted hero who acted alone to stop a white national terrorist plot. “We were wrong to imply that President Trump courageously rushed into an active-shooter situation inside a Washington, D.C. gas station, held the gunman in a chokehold until he dropped his weapon, and then provided first-aid to casualties, thus single-handedly preventing more bloodshed. We deeply regret intimating that the shooter realized the error of his ways and denounced his bigoted beliefs after a tough-love conversation with Mr. Trump. Readers will see that these statements have been retracted from the second edition.” At press time, the new headline, “Trump Gives Speech” had been changed to “Unifier-In-Chief Provides Hope To Fractured Nation.”
Sable & Rosenfeld Launches Ad Campaign Rebranding Their Cocktail Onions As Gamer Fuel #~# Put down those Doritos and dump that Monster Energy down the drain! Sable & Rosenfeld just launched a new ad campaign rebranding their cocktail onions as the ultimate gamer fuel. 
Casket To Be Closed Except For Mourners Who Want Peek At Something Really Crazy #~# PITTSBURGH—In an effort to respect the wishes of the deceased’s friends and family, funeral home director Don Chaffe confirmed Tuesday that Gary Meyer’s remembrance service would feature a closed casket except for those mourners who want a peek at something really crazy. “At such times of loss as this, it’s important we do everything in our power to honor the memory of those who’ve passed, not glorify their insanely outrageous death in a drunken collision with a gasoline tanker, which is why the casket will remain closed for almost all of the service,” said Chaffe, adding that taking a gander at the “balls-to-the-wall insanity” was not for the faint of heart while placing a discreet display of barf bags conveniently close to the casket. “Everyone grieves in their own way, and for some, that is through quiet reflection, while for others, it’s through getting completely grossed out by a glimpse of some sick and twisted shit.” Several attendees of Meyer’s funeral said they were devastated but stoked to get a quick glance of something rated at least R, if not full-on NC-17.
Consumer Report Indicates Slushies Lose 35% of Their Value Within First Year Of Purchase #~# DALLAS—Citing adverse factors such as rapid melting rates and poor syrup congealment, a consumer report published Tuesday revealed that the average slushy on the market today loses more than a third of its value within 12 months of initial purchase. “New slushies tend to depreciate quickly, with exposure to the sun or other heat sources severely decreasing the frozen treat’s utility to buyers,” said report author and consumer advocate Darien McNulty, who confirmed the resale value of a single Big Gulp Slurpee can decrease by as much as 15% the moment it leaves a 7-Eleven parking lot. “Across all flavors, from grape to blue raspberry to piña colada, our research suggests that six months after purchase, customers should be prepared to pay for parts and service to ensure proper slushy maintenance. Modern cups, straws, and plastic dome lids simply do not hold up to the wear and tear of daily use.” The report went on to state that customers are better off buying pre-owned slushies from 2016 or earlier, as these beverages maintain surprisingly high customer satisfaction ratings despite being entirely melted.
Medical Procedure Could Delay Menopause By 20 Years #~# A medical procedure that could help women delay menopause for up to 20 years has been launched in Britain, potentially preventing serious health problems such as heart conditions and bone-weakening osteoporosis. What do you think?
Study Finds Average Squirrel Lives Through Human Equivalent Of 7 Action Films Every Day #~# FORT COLLINS, CO—Revealing new insights into the animals’ high-risk lifestyle, a study released Monday by zoologists at Colorado State University found that the average squirrel lives through the human equivalent of seven action films every day. “Before you’ve even sat down for lunch, a normal squirrel has already faced a dozen adrenaline-pumping experiences far more insane than all the Die Hard movies combined,” said lead researcher Dr. Bryce Roper, noting that the rodents routinely engage in leaps between branches more death-defying than any Jackie Chan stunt and dodge predators more ferocious than the Terminator. “Being chased along rooftops in Istanbul as bad guys lean out of helicopters to gun you down is perhaps the closest a human could come to understanding the day-to-day life of a squirrel. Maybe multiply that by three and add in witnessing a villain kidnap your child after murdering your spouse, then you’ll get the picture.” The study also found that emotionally, the average squirrel experiences love 10 times more fiercely than Ryan Gosling’s character in The Notebook.
Report: There No Way To Suggest Girlfriend Look For Keys In Purse Again Without Sounding Condescending #~# NEW YORK—Despite early evidence indicating that she may have not searched her bag as thoroughly as she believes, a new report released Tuesday revealed that there’s no way to suggest that your girlfriend look for her keys in her purse again without sounding like a condescending prick. “No matter how confident you might be about the location of your girlfriend’s keys, there’s just no tone or inflection that won’t come off as you questioning her ability to see objects directly in front of her eyes,” read the report in part, which went on to suggest that you take a moment as she searches through the couch cushions—even though you know they aren’t there—and very carefully weigh your strong desire for her to find her keys against the need to maintain a relationship with the woman you’ve been dating for the past several years. “Yes, you’re pretty sure you heard the distinct jingle of keys when she was rifling through her purse, but bringing this up again won’t seem helpful. It will sound like you’re a complete asshole.” The report went on to note that—oh, goddamnit—the keys were in your pocket the whole time.
Trump Aides Go Into Crisis Mode After President’s Errant Remarks Condemning White Supremacy #~# WASHINGTON—After President Trump openly denounced white supremacy Monday in an errant statement on the mass shootings in Dayton, OH and El Paso, TX, every aide in the West Wing reportedly went into damage-control mode, looking for ways to get him back on message. “Great, now we’re going to be here all night figuring out a way to walk back this offhanded remark,” said White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, who expressed concern that with a single flippant comment, the president had blemished his administration’s record of consistently siding with and empowering people who believe the United States belongs, first and foremost, to white people. “We’ve worked so hard to make sure he stays on message not only by directly voicing racist views, but by personally embodying bigotry—and now he goes off script and criticizes those exact things! We need to get some dog whistles out to the base immediately.” At press time, reports confirmed the president had completely reversed course, tweeting out his thanks to the El Paso shooter for helping to repel invaders at the nation’s southern border.
Impossible Burger Approved To Be Sold In Stores #~# After receiving regulatory approval from the FDA, the plant-based Impossible Burger has been approved to be sold in supermarkets nationwide, offering an option for environmentally conscious consumers looking for a burger substitute. What do you think?
Thomas Jefferson: ‘The Tree Of Liberty Must Be Refreshed From Time To Time With The Blood Of Patriots And Tyrants And Kindergarteners And Newlyweds And High-Schoolers And Parents And Teachers And Worshippers And Workers And Occasionally Infants’ #~# On the subject of our still fledgling nation, one point in particular stands out, which I present for want of understanding America’s purpose: The British crown continues to repeat its lies about our being unable to govern ourselves, and yet we have over these past years of self-government seen relative peace. However, that peace must not lull our citizenry into complacency. It is essential that Americans remain ready to respond to any threat that would encroach on our dearly won freedom. 
John Hickenlooper Drops Out Of 2020 Presidential Race One Assumes #~# DENVER—Presumably thanking his supporters and vowing to keep up his fight for the well-being of everyday Americans, former Colorado governor John Hickenlooper has dropped out of the 2020 presidential race, one naturally assumes. Highly placed sources have confirmed that it is only natural to imagine that Hickenlooper, who launched his campaign for the Democratic nomination back in what most are pretty sure was March, has probably dropped out, as he did not stand a reasonable chance of winning in the first place. While no further inquiry into the status of Hickenlooper’s campaign is forthcoming or realistically necessary, one may safely assume that this headline, if not true now, cannot ultimately be false, and will in fact be accurate in every major particular within the next week. Therefore, the Onion Editorial Board has concluded that it is only logical to pursue more pressing journalistic endeavors and acknowledge the inevitable demise of this quixotic campaign. This newspaper will dutifully update this article to reflect the day of the week and city in which Hickenlooper will ultimately stand before the cameras, surrounded by his wanly smiling family, and pledge his meager support to whoever the eventual Democratic Party nominee might be. As we shall not be following up on Hickenlooper’s further and presumptively fruitless activities, we urge citizens to pursue any other avenue of information they deem necessary, which from a practical perspective is, of course, none. An informed populace is crucial to democracy, so feel free to investigate yourself, but do not attempt to contact this newspaper or its employees, as we do not care.
Music Historians Uncover Evidence Of 18th-Century Viennese Boy Band Mozart Fronted Before Leaving To Pursue Solo Career #~# SALZBURG, AUSTRIA—In a discovery certain to renew interest in the beloved composer’s legacy, music historians said Monday they have found evidence that before leaving to pursue his solo career, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart fronted an ultra-popular Viennese boy band. 
Vase Of Flowers On Kitchen Table Probably Memorial For Person Who Died There #~# KENT, OH—In what has been described as a solemn yet moving commemoration, sources reported Monday that a flower arrangement placed on a kitchen table in a local home was likely a memorial to a person who had died there under tragic circumstances. “It’s so sad to see. Makes you wonder what happened here,” said Jake Thompson, 32, observing that the memorial also included two lit candles, two wine glasses, and a bottle of Chianti, which he guessed might have been a nod to the victim’s love of Italy. “Maybe they choked to death during a meal? How horrible. Or—God, I hope it wasn’t a poisoning. In any event, it was really thoughtful of someone to put this here as a tribute.” At press time, reports confirmed the discovery of stuffed animals in a crib upstairs, apparently a memorial to a small child who had died in the bedroom.
Trust In Science Growing, Poll Finds #~# A Pew poll found that 86% of Americans say they have a fair or great deal amount of trust in science, a result up from 76% in 2016 and far higher than trust placed in politicians, journalists, or clergy. What do you think?
The History Of ‘The Madden Curse’: The Mysterious Trend Of Cover Art Athletes Who Slowly Transform Into John Madden #~# Even if you consider yourself a skeptic, it’s hard not to get a little freaked out when you hear about the legend surrounding the Madden NFL series. Fans call it “The Madden Curse,” the mysterious trend where athletes who appear on the cover of Madden NFL slowly transform into John Madden. Coincidence or not? Let’s take a look at the history of this fascinating trend to find out more.
Woman Knows Smiling Husband Not Really Flirting With Her But It’s Fun To Pretend #~# TEMPE—Indulging herself with a few moments of impossibly romantic fantasy, local woman Lori Danforth admitted Monday that despite knowing her husband’s socialized smile is not an example of him actually flirting with her it was still enjoyable to pretend that this was in fact the case. “I sometimes like to spend a few moments imagining what life would be like if my husband’s habit of grinning and making eye contact was more than just him being polite,” said Danforth, who despite her rich inner fantasy life, nevertheless remains painfully aware of the true nature of her relationship. “I know neither of us would ever risk the lives we’ve so carefully built by acting on this, so there’s really no use in hoping that it could even lead to anything real. Maybe if I were a little bit younger, things would be different, but for now, it’s just nice to make-believe.” For his part, husband Arthur Danforth confirmed that his grin wouldn’t lead to anything because he has a serious girlfriend.
Fossil Records Indicate Early Humans Hunted 25-Foot Giant Paramecium And Other Mega-Protista To Extinction #~# SPOKANE, WA—Confirming long-held suspicions about the diminutive size of modern-day bacteria, paleontologists at Gonzaga University engaged in an intensive study of the fossil record announced Friday that they had found overwhelming evidence supporting the theory that early humans hunted the 25-foot paramecium and other mega-Protista to extinction. “According to our findings, early humans would routinely hunt giant amoeba, feasting on their cytoplasm and utilizing all organelle parts in the making of tools and garments,” said head researcher Dr. Lorraine Logan, clarifying that the building-sized bacteria had no natural predators, rendering them easy targets for early man armed with rudimentary flint hunting weapons. “My team uncovered the fossilized remains of a masta-paramecium whose cell wall had been pierced with almost two dozen arrows and whose Golgi apparatus had been painstakingly removed with obsidian knives, presumably to fashion into rope and bowstrings. We can also say with some certainty that early man harvested the mega-Protista’s cilia, which grew to impressive lengths in their prehistoric form.” Researchers also found a fossilized paramecium containing fragments of human bone, suggesting that the single-huge-celled organisms regularly fought back.
John Delaney Sends Fundraising Email To Wife Asking To Use More Of Their Money On His Campaign #~# BETHESDA, MD—Noting that the coming months were crucial to determining who would stay in the running for the Democratic nomination, the campaign of presidential candidate John Delaney sent a fundraising email to his wife Monday asking to use more of the couple’s money on his bid for the White House. “Dear April, we need another $15 million from our personal fortune to help bring our message to the American people: Will you donate today?” read the email signed by the candidate and sent solely to his wife, observing that she had been a frequent supporter of John Delaney since she married him almost 30 years ago. “Obviously, you’re a believer in this cause. Otherwise, you and I wouldn’t discuss it over the phone most nights. But we need to increase our contributions if we’re going to make it to the third debate in September. Will you act now and give me the go-ahead?” The fundraising email went on to state that if April Delaney made her donation within the next week, she would be entered in a drawing for a chance to grab a drink with her husband and chat one-on-one.
Man Told He’d Never Make It As Pro Defies Them All By Sucking For 4 Years In AA Ball #~# HARTFORD, CT—Dedicating his next ground out to all the people who tried to keep him down, minor leaguer Adam Brosseau confirmed Monday that he had defied everyone who said he’d never make it as a professional baseball player by sucking for four years in Double-A. “They said I’d never make it back in high school, but now I’m getting paid $1,700 a month to chase my dreams. I can’t wait to see the looks on all their faces when they see me out there with the Hartford Yard Goats,” said Brosseau, 27, who claimed everyone who told him to give up on baseball must feel pretty embarrassed after watching him bounce around to five separate farm teams. “I bet all those haters are sitting at their desk jobs right now, watching me get stranded on second base and thinking ‘Man, we were stupid for doubting Adam.’ They swore I’d never amount to anything, but look who’s getting the last laugh. How many of them could hit 120 pop flies over the course of three seasons?” At press time, Brosseau was confronting his latest doubter by asking the manager at Home Depot not to fire him and promising he would not be late for another shift again.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# DAYTON, OH—In the hours following a violent rampage in Ohio in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured 27 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Oklahoma resident Adam Lewis, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# EL PASO, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed 20 individuals and injured 26 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Indiana resident Janet Clark, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Obama Reportedly Unfazed By Criticism From 2020 Candidates #~# A source close to President Obama said that he has taken criticism from 2020 candidates in stride, noting that he believes “his legacy is going to be fine, that there’s a staying power to it and the things under attack by this president are high water marks for the country.” What do you think?
‘Madden NFL 20’ Debuts Three New Romanceable Kickers #~# Madden NFL 20 drops today and it looks like there is exciting news connected to one of the most popular aspects of the long-running football video game franchise. According to the game’s creators, EA Sports has added three new romanceable kickers to the game’s career mode!
Kawhi Leonard Worried He’s Succumbing To Glitzy L.A. Lifestyle After Purchasing Flashy 2016 Subaru #~# LOS ANGELES—Feeling a lingering sense of guilt over the sudden betrayal of all his values, Clippers forward Kawhi Leonard worried Friday that he had succumbed to the glitzy L.A. lifestyle after purchasing a flashy 2016 Subaru Forester. “I’ve only been in Hollywood a few weeks and I’m already living the high life. Look at this thing—lightly scratched blue paint job, one of those cords to plug in my iPod, and even a responsive set of power windows. What have I become?” said the two-time Finals MVP, who vowed not to let his new surroundings change him only to find himself cruising down the Pacific Coast Highway at 52 miles per hour with two whole cupholders holding fancy Evian water. “This just isn’t me. I can’t believe I let the dealer talk me into buying a car where you can fold both side mirrors. I told myself I wouldn’t let this town change me, but here I am, breathing in one of those vanilla air-fresheners and parking with the help of a backup camera. I can’t forget where I came from just because I’m sitting in faux leather seats.” At press time, Leonard called a childhood friend to ask if he “seems different” after purchasing a condo with central air-conditioning.
‘Hobbs & Shaw’ Pulled From Theaters Following Reports Of On-Set Mistreatment Of Cars #~# HOLLYWOOD—In response to public outcry by motor vehicle associations, theaters across the country pulled the film Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw Friday following reports of the on-set mistreatment of cars. “We could no longer in good conscience continue distributing this film after watching secret video footage, which showed the production company inflicting cruel physical punishment on dozens of cars, breaking windows, smashing headlights, and repeatedly slamming the poor vehicles against walls,” said Universal Pictures president Jimmy Horowitz, promising that the studio would not tolerate the vicious abuse endured by the Corvettes, Mustangs, and Broncos prominently featured throughout the movie. “Learning that these beautiful cars were subjected to such inhumane working conditions made me sick to my stomach. This cannot stand. Audiences deserve a fun action movie, not the reckless endangerment of innocent vehicles, many of which were less than a year old. Unfortunately, there’s evidence that many of the actors were very rough with these cars, forcing them off cliffs and ramming them with trucks. I’ll never forget the sight of a battered Aston Martin with a busted axle that they just abandoned in the middle of nowhere.” At press time, the film’s director David Leith denied accusations that the production cruelly kept cars locked inside hot, dark spaces with poor ventilation and little room to move.
EPA Administrator Proves Carbon Emissions Not Harmful By Inhaling Directly From Truck’s Tailpipe #~# WASHINGTON—During a press conference held in a D.C. parking lot, Environmental Protection Agency head Andrew Wheeler went out of his way Friday to show carbon emissions were safe by putting his mouth over the exhaust pipe of an idling Jeep Grand Cherokee and taking several deep breaths. “Despite all the fear-mongering on behalf of politically motivated scientists, carbon emissions are not harmful in any way, as you can see,” said a coughing, unsteady Wheeler, moments before he was seen vomiting, losing his balance, and collapsing onto the pavement. “They pose no threat at all to the American public, and any hysterical claims to the contrary have no basis in reality. Sure, it does burn the lungs a little, but it doesn’t cause any serious harm to internal organs—look, I’ll even take another puff. Oh, God. Oh, God. Someone help me.” At press time, local authorities had confirmed Wheeler’s death.
Fed Cuts Interest Rates #~# The Federal Reserve is almost universally expected to make a quarter-point cut to interest rates in order to stave off signs of a slowing economy. What do you think?
Virgin Saving Himself For Kinky Couple In Need Of A Third #~# SAGINAW, MI—Resolving to maintain his chastity until that one special couple comes along, local virgin Kyle Markley confirmed Friday he is saving himself for a kinky pair of lovers looking for a third to spice things up. “To me, sex is a sacred thing, and I don’t want to give up my purity until I know I’ve found the right two pervy little freaks who like to go around soliciting strangers for threesomes,” said Markley, adding that you only lose your virginity once, so you have to make sure it’s with a couple who gets off on deflowering young men as part of their fetish play. “I know the day will come when I finally read that Craigslist post of my dreams from ‘two fit fortysomethings looking for a cutie to share,’ but until then, I’m perfectly fine abstaining from sex altogether. Christianity teaches that true love waits, and I plan to wait until I’m with two people who are just dying to pass me back and forth like a fuckdoll all night.” At press time, sources reported that Markley was feeling nervous but spiritually rewarded while finally getting Eiffel Towered by a married couple.
A Timeline Of U.S.–Iran Relations #~# Tensions continue to mount between the United States and Iran, driven by conflicts that have gone back decades and stoking fears of war. The Onion looks back at the history of U.S.–Iran relations.
Man Gains New Disdain For Band After Seeing Them Live #~# CHICAGO—Still stunned by the fresh insight he had gleaned at the end of the group’s performance, local man Brett Weinberg told reporters Friday that he had gained a totally new disdain for electronic dance music duo The Chainsmokers after seeing them live. “Sure, I’ve heard a bunch of their songs before, but it wasn’t until I saw them do their thing up close and personal that I could really understand how much their music completely fucking blows,” said Weinberg, noting that taking in the band’s live show had given him an entirely new appreciation for The Chainsmokers lack of originality, recognizable harmonies, coherent lyrics, or even basic musical talent. “It was especially cool to get to be here to see Drew Taggert’s complete lack of stage presence. Man oh man, I thought he sucked on recordings, but it’s an entirely different experience seeing them perform ‘Closer’ in the flesh. It’s like there’s this whole other level of mediocrity I wasn’t even paying attention to before. They are so much shittier than I ever imagined.” Weinberg went on to voice a newfound understanding of the depths of the band’s abilities after they returned for an encore to debut a new half-assed song onstage.
CRISPR Gene-Editing Tool Used To Treat First U.S. Patient #~# For the first time in the U.S., a patient has received an infusion of 2 billion cells edited with the gene-editing tool CRISPR to help treat sickle cell disease, presaging a new age of targeted treatments for genetic diseases. What do you think?
Man Struggling To Accept Fact That He’ll Never Move Beyond Medium Salsa #~# MARBLEHEAD, MA—Sighing as he gazed at the moderately spiced condiment on the table before him, local 34-year-old John Rawley told reporters Thursday it had been hard coming to terms with the fact that his ability to tolerate spicy foods had plateaued and he wouldn’t ever move beyond medium salsa. “All my life, I imagined that one day I would reach a point where I could consume extra-hot, five-alarm salsa with a smile on my face, but alas, I fear I will forever be confined to more benign varieties of dipping sauce,” said Rawley, shaking his head and recalling that when he first moved past mild salsa, he had thought the sky was the limit, but now, here he stood, humbled to admit he would never truly enjoy a blend from a container featuring a skull and crossbones or a sombrero-wearing ghost pepper. “In the past, when I saw a salsa mascot whose head was on fire, I always longed to see myself reflected in his greatness—his courage and sense of adventure. Yet, deep down, I know this is not the man I’ve become. From henceforth, I must accept that whenever I see the word ‘Hot!’ next to a chili pepper, there my path shall end.” At press time, a weeping, heavily perspiring Rawley was spotted chugging a quart of milk after one last futile attempt to attain his dream.
Highlights Of The Second Democratic Debates #~# The second round of the Democratic presidential debates pitted the top 20 polling candidates against each other across two nights in Detroit. The Onion highlights the most important takeaways from the second Democratic debates.
CNN Under Fire For Failing To Disclose Pro-Iran War Panelist Actually Raytheon DeepStrike Missile #~# ATLANTA—Facing a backlash over what critics viewed as misleading journalistic practices, CNN was under fire Thursday for its failure to disclose that a recent panelist pushing for military action in Iran was in fact a Raytheon DeepStrike Missile. “We do not believe that our panelist’s status as a machine of war affected its ability to be impartial about the escalation of tension in Iran—the armament was appearing on our program in its capacity as a pundit, not as a long-range guided weapon,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker, defending the network’s decision to provide air time to the surface-to-surface precision strike missile that was billed only as an “expert on U.S.–Iran relations” during a recent episode of The Don Lemon Show. “CNN strives to provide our audience with a diversity of viewpoints and leave it up to them to make their own decisions, and this projectile’s background gives it a unique insight into the fraught situation in the Middle East that viewers deserve to hear.” Zucker added that he was committed to providing more balanced coverage by adding a Lockheed Martin Dual Mode laser-guided bomb to the network’s regular roster of guests. 
Ethiopia Plants 350 Million Trees In Single Day #~# In a campaign to combat climate change and produce a greener future, Ethiopia’s government announced that it had planted 350 million trees across the country as part of its “green legacy” initiative. What do you think?
Study Finds Reading This Article To Completion Provides Body With 13 Essential Vitamins And Minerals #~# CHICAGO—Concluding that even a quick scan of the page can supply the body with vitamin C, lycopene, and omega-3 fatty acids, a groundbreaking study published Thursday found that when read from beginning to end, this article provides 13 nutrients vital to sustaining basic human health. “As we speak, thousands of readers are discovering the benefits of this article,” the study read in part, explaining that by continuing all the way through to the very last word of this nutritious paragraph, readers can boost their energy levels and better absorb antioxidants. “Preliminary evidence suggests that a daily reading of this article, along with a healthy sampling of those stories appearing below, can help alleviate symptoms associated with ailments ranging from depression to diabetes to cancer. In fact, forgoing a doctor-recommended program of diet and exercise to instead read as many articles as possible on this website may help maintain a youthful appearance, promote sexual wellness, and increase one’s lifespan by up to a decade.” At press time, officials from the Food and Drug Administration said they had not evaluated the statements made by the study and warned that reading this article more than four times per day could lead to urine toxicity, liver damage, and, eventually, death.
Lollapalooza Unveils New Air-Conditioned, Soundproof Tent For People Who Definitely Shouldn't Have Come To This #~# CHICAGO—Saying the new pass offered the perfect option for those looking to attend the festival in comfort and style, Lollapalooza organizers unveiled a new air-conditioned, soundproof tent expressly catering to people who definitely shouldn’t have come to this. “Our new Platinum Lux Pass allows individuals who have absolutely no place in a hot, crowded music festival like Lollapalooza to come here anyway without ever having to deal with the hassle of hearing music or getting anywhere close to the crowd,” said Charlie Jones, co-owner of the festival, noting that for only $5,000 per day attendees would be able to skip the entry lines entirely and instead be whisked directly into a climate-controlled, insulated room that had been expressly designed for people who don’t want to hear live music and almost certainly should not be here. “Whether you’re too sensitive to sound to conceivably enjoy the experience of listening to music for hours on end or you’re a new parent who realizes taking their overheated child to the festival was an enormous mistake, the Platinum Lux Pass makes sure you can come to Lollapalooza without once hearing a band or encountering anything resembling a music festival experience.” Jones added that an add-on for $500 would allow guests to have a Lollapalooza volunteer drape a tarp over them the moment they entered the venue so they would never have to interact with any of the other people in the Platinum Lux Tent.
Card-Only Business Discriminates Against Customers Who Just Have Milking Goats To Barter With #~# LANCASTER COUNTY, PA—Slamming the policy as deeply biased against hardworking rural Americans, local man Abraham Harver told reporters Thursday that the card-only business model at his town’s grocery store discriminates against those customers who conduct transactions by bartering milk-goats. “Some folks just don’t want the hassle of dealing with banks, let alone credit card companies, and who’s to say that my flocks of sheep or bushels of tart green apples are no good in a place of business?” said Harver, who, like many residents of his holler, receives his weekly payment in the form of baby chicks and suckling pigs and prefers carrying them around to use in trade. “There are some who say you need to deal with some big bank to get on in society, but I know plenty of fellers who get along just fine trading a sack of taters for their dry goods. It’s easier for some to budget when anybody can see how many goats they have, and everyone knows how many loaves of bread a goat’s worth. Come the tribulations, I know these city types are going to wish they had a herd of animals to swap for firewood.” Harver later agreed to trade his first-born son in exchange for the expunging his overdue mortgage payments.
Man Likes Ex-Girlfriend’s Tweet In Effort To Smooth Over Emotionally Destroying Her 3 Years Ago #~# LANSING, MI—Expressing relief that he could finally make amends for his past cruelty, area man Tom Hernandez reportedly liked his ex-girlfriend’s tweet Thursday in an effort to smooth over emotionally destroying her three years ago. “I was kind of an asshole during the breakup, but I’m hopeful that by liking the photo she tweeted of her new kitten, I can show her I’m sorry for leaving her devastated and completely unable to trust other people,” said Hernandez, 27, self-assured that the olive branch he was extending via a Twitter like would show his ex how bad he felt about systematically chipping away at her mental health over several months, leaving her so emotionally shattered that she had only recently regained the confidence to date again. “When she opens her notifications and sees my face, it’s gonna make her day. Perhaps I’ll even reply with a funny gif to let her know I’m ready to put the terrible things I did to her behind us and move on. Obviously the ball is in her court, but I’d love to be at a point where I can mistreat her as friends.” At press time, Hernandez was outlining his plan to randomly text his ex-girlfriend a waving-hand emoji every six months in perpetuity.
Child Pointing Out Cow On Side Of Road Must Think Parents Don’t Have Fucking Eyes #~# AMERICA CITY, KS—As he peered out the window of his family’s Dodge Caravan and spotted the animal right in the middle of a pasture where nobody could miss it, 2-year-old Owen Kincaid reportedly pointed out a cow to his parents Monday, acting as if they don’t have eyes in their fucking heads. “Cow!” said Kincaid, who, though sources confirmed his mother and father have made eye contact with him since the day he was born, is apparently enough of an idiot to think they can’t see the goddamn 1,500-pound bovine directly in their field of vision—or else enough of an asshole to think he needs to remind his college-educated parents what a goddamn cow is. “Look, look! Cow.” At press time, sources confirmed the piece-of-shit toddler, who appears to consider himself a fucking expert on such matters, informed everyone in the car that cows go moo.
Trump Aides Investigating Whistleblower Struggling To Identify Single Person In CIA With Moral Principles #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that they faced a serious roadblock in their effort to unmask the source of a leaked complaint about the president’s conversations with Ukraine, aides to Donald Trump investigating a whistleblower reported to be a CIA agent were struggling Monday to identify a single person in the agency with moral principles. “After we learned that the whistleblower is CIA, we figured it would be pretty quick to narrow down his identity among the few people there with a moral compass, but the more we looked into it, we realized we can’t think of anybody who has one,” said Stephen Miller, adding that aides had cleared everyone with links to the intelligence community they knew had knowledge of Trump’s Ukraine conversations due to the fact that they were all too unethical and black-hearted to care about any presidential misconduct. “Naturally, we started at the top, but obviously [CIA director Gina] Haspel is cleared because of the whole torture thing, and all the other leading officials are into really shady shit too. Pretty much anyone who’s been there longer than a year or two is out, and honestly, you don’t even expect people who have any deeply held sense of right and wrong to make it past the application process. There was one guy we were pretty sure was the whistleblower, but then we looked into him and saw that he was involved in the [2009] Honduras coup. You think a guy with no scruples like that is really going to stick his neck on the line for the nation? It’s hard, since this whole situation is completely antithetical to everything the CIA stands for.” Several Trump aides confirmed they were hoping to enter the whistleblower’s mindset by developing any shred of moral principle themselves.
Poll Finds Support For Impeachment Growing #~# Following the announcement that the House would be initiating an impeachment inquiry, support for starting impeachment proceedings against President Trump grew among Americans from 36% to 43%, suggesting that the nation may be amenable to the process moving forward. What do you think?
Authorities Theorize Santa Anita Race Track Deaths Could Be Work Of Horse Serial Killer #~# ARCADIA, CA—After the death of 3-year-old colt Emtech this weekend marked the racetrack’s 32nd equine fatality of the year, investigators stated Monday that the unusual mortality rate at Santa Anita Park could potentially be the work of a horse serial killer. “After examining hoofprints at the crime scene and pulling some DNA off a clump of hay, we now have reason to believe these deaths are not only murders but, in fact, the work of a single deranged horse,” said lead detective Karen Kaufman, who told reporters that the killer exhibited a clear pattern of behavior by always returning to the same track and that the victims—all horses—matched a similar profile. “Genetic analysis has shown the killer is of thoroughbred pedigree, and at this time I can confirm that Country Horse, Improbable, and American Pharoah are all horses of interest. Whatever the killer’s reasons, be it power, sex, or feelings of embitterment after being put out to stud, we’re dealing with a really sick horse here, and the racing community should be on high alert.” At press time, officials at Santa Anita Park expressed regret that, following an attempt to collect evidence from the racetrack, Detective Kaufman took a bad step, broke her leg, and was forcibly euthanized.
Well, At Least High School Teacher And Student Ended Up Getting Married #~# RIO RANCHO, NM—Feeling comforted by the news that the scandalous and illicit affair eventually amounted to something, school district sources noted Monday that, well, at least high school teacher Lisa Calloway, 52, and her former student Dennis Wilkes, 32, had married. “It was definitely fucked up that Ms. Calloway started sleeping with Dennis when he was in her junior year AP English class, but I guess it makes it somewhat better that they wound up tying the knot,” said the newlywed couple’s former classmate and student Jeffrey Stefanoff, acknowledging that it was “a bit of a silver lining” to find the two had remained together during the years Calloway spent serving her prison sentence. “I suppose it’s good that, although their relationship is absolutely founded on a grossly unequal power dynamic, that it eventually settled into a socially acceptable structure. And we know for certain that in the case of the marriage, he was both consenting and capable of doing so. That’s kind of a win?” At press time, the couple has announced their separation due to Calloway becoming romantically involved with a much, much younger man.
Deal Alert: Your Parents Have Promised To Buy You ‘Let’s Go Pikachu’ If You Can Make It Through Rosh Hashanah This Year Without Biting Anyone #~# If you’ve been dying to play Pokémon: Let’s Go Pikachu but have been holding off because of the price tag, we’ve got a deal you’re definitely going to want to check out: Your parents are giving away a new copy of the popular Switch game if you can make it through all of Rosh Hashanah this year without biting anyone.
Underprepared Second-Grade Teacher Really Leaning On Class’s Slow Readers To Eat Up Some Clock #~# ROCKPORT, ME—Asking everyone to open their books while she honed in on the students who looked the most nervous, underprepared second-grade teacher Judy Fabacher confirmed Monday that she’d really been leaning on her class’s slow readers to eat up some clock. “Alright, we have 20 more minutes before you get to go to lunch, so would someone like to come up and read page 27 for us—maybe someone from the back of the classroom?” said Fabacher, who, after taking way too long to give instructions, refused to call on a single student who raised their hand and instead chose a boy named Tommy, who she knew would reliably mispronounce any word with more than one syllable. “Alright, Tommy! Just speak up, because remember the rules—if I can’t hear you, I’m going to make you repeat what you said. And then, after Tommy, Alejandro, why don’t you read? This will be a really good way for you to practice speaking English.” At press time, Fabacher told reporters she had opted to wheel out the TV set and put on a movie after she accidentally made a kid with a stutter cry. 
Friend Group Annoyed They Never See Melissa Anymore Now That She’s Dating Guy Who Keeps Her Locked In Chamber At Top Of Tallest Tower #~# PHILADELPHIA—Saying she had been extremely flaky since meeting her new boyfriend in an enchanted forest, a local group of twentysomethings expressed annoyance Monday that they never see Melissa anymore now that she’s dating a guy who keeps her locked away in a chamber at the top of the tallest tower. “Honestly, it feels like I haven’t seen her in forever because all she wants to do is hang out with some mysterious hunchback who built a 40-feet spire just to hold her,” said close friend Yessenia Ruiz, adding that Melissa had only known her new boyfriend for a month, so the fact that she was constantly asking her friends to drive to the Lost Woods and answer a series of riddles from trolls just to hang out was even more exasperating. “Last week, she even told us that she couldn’t come out since the prince who was supposed to ride up on his stallion and rescue her never came because he got eaten by a witch or whatever. And now, she’s growing out her hair to be 40-feet long for him? Girl, bye.” At press time, the friend group had decided to host an intervention after discovering that Melissa had fallen into a deep sleep for 10,000 years.
Intrusive Thought Actually Making Compelling Argument For Taking Clothes Off In Public Park #~# CHICAGO—Saying the loud, unwelcome voice in her head had actually made some very good points about just doing it already, local woman Jenny Fabela told reporters Monday that an intrusive thought laid out a very compelling argument for taking her clothes off in a public park. “You know, at first, I wasn’t on board, but then it started to say some really convincing stuff about how there was nothing stopping me, and that it would be so easy to just unbutton my shirt and take off my pants right here, right now,” said Fabela, adding that the voice had spent all morning building an airtight case, reminding her repeatedly that she wouldn’t be crazy for taking her clothes off, she’d just finally be free. “While I tried to block the voice out, the more I did that, the louder and better its points about me being weak and how I couldn’t resist it forever got. Plus, I gotta say, my brain totally nailed it when it told me to look down because maybe I was already naked. And you know what? I was. Touché, intrusive thought. Touché.” At press time, a nude Fabela added that the intrusive thought had also made a great point about screaming, going buck-naked down a playground gym slide, and then strangling a nearby reporter.
McDonald’s Testing New Beyond Burger-Based P.L.T. Sandwich #~# McDonald’s announced today that it will be running a 12-week limited test of the P.L.T. sandwich, a plant-based variation on a McDonald’s burger developed exclusively in tandem with Beyond Meat to replicate the franchise’s iconic taste. What do you think?
‘New York Times’ Offers To Disclose Whistleblower Identity To Readers Who Subscribe In Next 24 Hours #~# NEW YORK—Promising customers unlimited access and the most up-to-date information on anonymous sources, The New York Times announced Friday an offer to disclose the whistleblower’s identity to readers who subscribe within the next 24 hours. “We’ll give you the whistleblower’s name, home address, occupation, and voting record,” the promotion read in part, adding that for every five referrals of people who also subscribe, readers would receive several high-resolution photographs of the whistleblower. “The New York Times is proud to be your source for obtaining intimate details of unnamed informants, including their family members, friends, blood type, driver’s license, and social security number, currently unavailable from any other publication. Act fast and take advantage of this deal to get as many anonymous sources as you want.” The offer also gave readers the option of choosing between a hard copy or a digital download of the whistleblower’s medical records.
Creator Of Labradoodle Says Making Breed His Life’s ‘Greatest Regret’ #~# Stressing that he “opened a Pandora’s box and released a Frankenstein’s monster” with the novel breed, Wally Conron, the maker of the Labradoodle, expressed regret for ever creating the mop-headed dog, citing its frequent health problems and saying that it had “veered far from his original purpose in mixing a Labrador and a poodle.” What do you think?
New Hellmann’s Theme Park To Feature World’s Longest Lazy Mayo River #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Calling the condiment-based attraction the perfect way to cool off on a hot day, company representatives revealed Friday that Hellmann’s new theme park would feature the world’s longest lazy mayo river. “Experience the thrilling Tarter Tunnel and the heart-stopping Dijonaise Drop before taking a spin in our tangy, mile-long lazy river made from 100% real mayonnaise,” said spokesperson Angie Leal, adding that the rich, creamy attraction contains a whopping 7,200,000 egg yolks. “Lounge on a ham float as you meander at a leisurely three miles per hour past the Spicy Chipotle Lagoon. Splash underneath zesty mayo waterfalls or just kick back and relax while you’re misted by a fine spray of shelf-stable condiments at Burger Sauce Beach. Your scenic ride ends at the cholesterol-free canola dressing wave pool—or you can hop back on the river and ride it again!” Leal declined to comment on recent reports of slippery guests injuring themselves while attempting to exit the mayo river.
Cubs Pitching Coach Forced To Clean Up Trembling, Piss-Covered Pitchers After Leaving Them Locked In Bullpen All Day #~# ST. LOUIS—Spraying down the traumatized players who were standing in puddles of their own excrement, Chicago Cubs pitching coach Tommy Hottovy was forced to clean up a group of trembling, piss-covered pitchers Friday after leaving them locked inside the bullpen all day. “God, I feel so bad that they were trapped in there without anyone to open the gate and let ’em run around,” said Hottovy, lamenting that the pitchers had scratched up the walls and chewed through all of the catcher’s mitts. “I totally spaced after the game yesterday and left them cooped up without any water or anything. I can tell by the look in their eyes that they don’t trust me anymore. Once I opened the gate, a few them just sprinted out and took a huge shit in right field.” At press time, Hottovy was attempting to console a whimpering Craig Kimbrel who had spent the entire game curled up in the corner of the bullpen.
Aging Tom Cruise No Longer Able To Climb Outer Wall Of Skyscraper Without Taking Break Halfway Through #~# SAN DIEGO—As Tom Cruise rested on a window ledge 300 feet in the air and took a sip of water Friday, onlookers remarked that the 57-year-old actor was really showing his age by taking a break midway through his scaling of One America Plaza. “It’s tough to watch how winded he gets nowadays, especially after he gets past the 14th or 15th floor of a building,” said Paramount Pictures CEO Jim Gianopulos, who has worked with Cruise on the Mission Impossible franchise and the forthcoming Top Gun: Maverick, explaining that a skyscraper climb that might have taken the star just 20 minutes a decade ago now takes up to an hour. “Tom probably needs to be more realistic about the expectations he’s placing on his body in middle age. He’ll be running from a moving train and Henry Cavill or someone will dart right past him and he’ll get so upset. I’ll tell him, ‘It’s okay! You’re older now. You’re allowed to hold on to the side of a jet with two hands instead of just one!’” At press time, disappointed sources reported seeing Cruise hanging from a construction crane near the 29th floor trying to work out a charley horse.
How Gentrification Works #~# Extreme gentrification is on the rise in many U.S. cities, as poorer residents are pushed out by wealthier ones, with significant impact on income inequality, housing, and many other factors, but the process by which it happens may seem unclear. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how gentrification works.
Jeff Goldblum, Laura Dern To Return For Next ‘Jurassic World’ #~# Reuniting the cast of the beloved original Jurassic Park, Sam Neill, Laura Dern, and Jeff Goldblum will return for a third film, director Colin Trevorrow confirmed at a press conference this week. What do you think?
Chelsea Manning, Reality Winner Excitedly Hoping Nation’s Newfound Approval Of Whistleblowers Will Get Them Out Of Jail #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Following a CIA officer’s much-applauded decision to disclose evidence that President Trump urged his Ukrainian counterpart to interfere in the 2020 election, former intelligence analysts Chelsea Manning and Reality Winner expressed confidence Thursday that the nation’s newfound appreciation for whistleblowers would get them out of jail. “Now that everyone really seems to like it when wrongdoing is exposed, I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before they clear my name and let me go,” Winner said by phone from a federal prison in Texas, echoing the sentiments of Manning, who told reporters she expected not only to be released from jail but also to be allowed to return immediately to active duty in the Army. “Americans recognize that what this anonymous whistleblower did was both courageous and patriotic, so I’m sure to be commended for releasing a report on interference in the 2016 election, right? I was ahead of my time, really. I’m not saying there will be a parade in my honor, but I sure wouldn’t be surprised. I’ll be out of here in a day or two, and then, who knows? Maybe I’ll even run for public office.” At press time, sources confirmed a chipper Edward Snowden had informed officials in the Justice Department that he was finally ready to leave Moscow and fly back home.
Al Franken Launching SiriusXM Talk Show #~# SiriusXM announced on Wednesday that former United States senator Al Franken will host a weekly left-wing talk program, “The Al Franken Show,” in which he will address current news alongside a range of comedic and political guests. What do you think?
Home Depot Introduces New 100-Pound Bag Of Mulch For Fucking Up Back In Garden Section #~# ATLANTA—Touting the product as the easiest way for DIY-ers to seriously injure themselves, Home Depot introduced a new 100-pound bag of mulch Thursday for fucking up your back in the garden section. “Made from all-natural organic materials, our new too-heavy bag of mulch is perfect for absolutely destroying your spine the very first time you try to pick it up,” said spokesperson Anthony Beasley, noting that the mulch bag’s awkward dimensions and uneven weight distribution make it nearly impossible to carry by yourself. “Conveniently located on the cement floor so you can’t get your hands underneath it, this bulk container of shredded wood will leave you doubled over in the garden section screaming, ‘Son of a bitch!’ Plus it’s wet, so when it bursts open in the back of your SUV, it makes a huge ass mess. Weekend warriors who actually do manage to get it home will find this specific bag is somehow just barely not enough mulch to get the job done, requiring a return trip to Home Depot and another herniated disc.” Home Depot also debuted a new line of delicate terra cotta planters that shatter upon being touched.
Mattel Preempts Backlash Over Gender-Neutral Doll With Release Of New ‘Covered In Genitals’ Barbie #~# EL SEGUNDO, CA—Following the debut of the inclusive “Creatable World” line of toys, Mattel attempted to preempt backlash over their gender-neutral dolls Thursday by releasing the highly anticipated “Covered In Genitals” Barbie. “In the spirit of inclusivity, we thought it was important to give parents concerned about a non-gendered doll an alternative option that is very, very gendered,” said Mattel CEO Ynon Kreiz, showcasing to shareholders slides of a classic Barbie figure covered from head to toe with dozens of realistic penises and vulvas, all arranged in a seemingly random pattern across the doll’s body. “We wanted to emphasize the idea of body diversity to kids, so the genitals come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Plus, the penises and vulvas are in a number of different states of arousal. At the end of the day, we hope the toy can provide parents with the peace of mind granted by a doll that is completely unambiguous about having tons of reproductive organs.” At press time, Mattel confirmed that “Covered In Genitals” Barbie would be just the first in the new “Hyper-Gendered” series, with “Nothing But Nether Regions” Skipper and “Anus-Riddled” Ken set to debut in the fall of 2020.
Sean Spicer’s Agent Tells Him If He Calls Trump’s Conduct ‘Troubling’ She Could Probably Get Him On ‘American Ninja Warrior’ #~# LOS ANGELES—Informing her client that it would require very little effort on his part to book the high-profile gig, Sean Spicer’s agent reportedly told the former press secretary Thursday that if he referred to Trump’s recent conduct as “troubling,” she could probably get him on the next season of American Ninja Warrior. “Sean, if you’re willing to refer to the accusations against Trump as ‘concerning,’ you could be competing for prize money in front of millions of viewers before you know it,” said Gersh Agency representative Abigail Lawson, telling Spicer that even allowing himself to be photographed frowning and shaking his head would likely be enough to swing a Celebrity Jeopardy guest spot. “Honestly, if you’re up for going so far as saying that Republicans shouldn’t rush to judgment until all the facts are known, we should be able to get you hosting American Ninja Warrior by 2021. In any case, you’re going to want to act fast, because I’m getting word that Scaramucci is willing to outright call Trump a buffoon in order to land this.” At press time, Lawson had broken the news to a crestfallen Sean Spicer that the best role she had been able to find him so far was as a CNN analyst.
Nation’s Labradoodles Begin Combusting After Regretful Creator Initiates Self-Destruct Sequence Programmed Into Their DNA #~# CHICAGO—A week after a dog breeder apologized for having ever crossed a Labrador retriever with a poodle, reports of golden, fur-filled explosions emerged Thursday as the regretful creator of labradoodles activated a self-destruct sequence he programmed into their DNA decades ago. “This is the only way I can make amends for the horrors I have wrought and clear my conscience of the unending guilt,” Australian dog breeder Wally Conron told reporters before pressing a button that, according to sources in all 50 states and the District of Columbia, triggered very loud and violent detonations of every labradoodle across the country. “I am deeply sorry for unleashing yet another designer breed upon this world. I should never have tried to play God. If you are the owner of one of these degenerate canine abominations, I urge you to immediately put your dog in a secure area and under no circumstances have it on your lap or near young children.” At press time, reports confirmed the nation’s pugs continued their centuries-long plea for the sweet release of death.
Resistance Democrat Racking Brain For Way To Sexualize Anonymous Whistleblower #~# NOVATO, CA—While following coverage of an unnamed government employee bringing forth a complaint that President Donald Trump had asked Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky to investigate the son of presidential candidate Joe Biden, Resistance Democrat Kathy Gillford was reportedly racking her brain Thursday to sexualize the anonymous whistleblower. “He’s being so brave standing up for his country and resisting President Cheeto, it just makes me so excited, but I’m having some trouble deciding exactly how I want to picture him—do I want the whistleblower to be a suave James Bond type in a suit, or more of a ripped, muscular superhero?” said Gillford, 49, who added that she was hoping to visualize a fantasy version of the whistleblower that could bring her to a shuddering climax matching the intensity that the thought of a shirtless, oiled-up Robert Mueller did during his special investigation. “I just want to masturbate to the justice of it, but the image in my mind is lacking a certain specificity right now. It was so easy when I was thinking about how alluring it was watching Preet Bharara stand up to the president, and I still remember how hard I came when I pictured that rugged silver fox James Mattis tell he-who-shall-not-be-named that he was putting country over party. I’ll think of something, though, even if it’s just imagining the whistleblower with a six-pack and flowing hair riding a horse like I did with Adam Schiff. Put it this way—I’d let him in on my state secrets.” At press time, 2,849 other users had commented on her Facebook post about the whistleblower describing the ways they had sexualized the anonymous official and what they wanted him to do to them.
D.C. Visitors Impressed By Statue Honoring Nation’s First Obelisk President #~# WASHINGTON—Relishing the opportunity to commemorate one of American history’s most important political pillars, families visiting Washington, D.C. told reporters Thursday that they were impressed by the statue honoring the nation’s first obelisk president. “Wow, it’s so tall, thin, and pointy—it almost feels like he’s staring right at us with his smooth, featureless face,” said D.C. tourist Kayla Pace, adding that even though she visited both the Jefferson and Lincoln memorials with her children, this one was by far the most life-like, and the most moving. “I know he’s dead, and he obviously wasn’t over 500 feet tall in real life, but there’s something so beautiful about seeing what a history-making, pyramidal-topped figure really looked like. Hopefully, one day, a young obelisk will see this statue and know that he, too, could the president of the United States.” At press time, Pace had ushered her family away from the sculpture after protestors surrounded it and began loudly denouncing the president for owning slaves.
Experts Recommend Families Have Plan For Ditching Weakest Member In Case Of Disaster #~# WASHINGTON—Assuring citizens that catastrophe survival can be as easy as locking their feeble-bodied relatives in the basement and throwing away the key, emergency management officials recommended Thursday that families devise plans to ditch their weakest in the event of a disaster. “Most Americans know to instantly abandon their spouses in an emergency, and about half of American parents instinctively know to abandon their children, but it’s crucial to also have a list of which siblings and grandparents will be dead weight when shit hits the fan so that you can cut them loose, too,” said Federal Emergency Management Administration logistics expert Dr. Alan Monahan, adding that the fittest family members should inform their loved ones beforehand about which of them will be pushed off a roof during a flood or out of a moving car while outrunning lava flows. “We find it’s easier for people to leave Grandma and her wheelchair to ride out the earthquake if you have a plan. The important thing is you pick someone and make sure that there’s no chance for the weak to sap your precious and limited resources.” Officials have since amended their statement to advise discretion and restraint after the Eastern seaboard had descended into chaos upon learning the forecast called for thunderstorms.
Amazon Signs Pledge To Advance Paris Climate Goals #~# Yielding to employee demands and significant activism campaigns, Amazon announced climate goals that will see it rapidly decarbonizing, buying 100,000 electric delivery vehicles, and putting in place independent monitoring mechanisms, although some climate advocates have criticized it for failing to sever ties with fossil fuel companies. What do you think?
Authorities Hunt For Arsonist Suspected Of Purifying Dozens Of Buildings In Bath Of Glorious Flame #~# EVANSVILLE, IN—Reporting that the suspected arsonist has thus far claimed the lives of 23 sinners whose wretched souls will no longer harbor evil, law enforcement officials announced Thursday that they are still seeking the individual responsible for cleansing more than 40 buildings in the city’s business district with glorious, purifying flame. “At approximately 2 a.m., St. Augustine’s Children’s Hospital was enrobed in sheets of crimson flame, and lo! At long last, unquenchable light and heat have rid the area of 6th Street between Walnut and Court of mankind’s vile and loathsome stain,” said police chief William Bolin in a press conference, encouraging all who witnessed the three city blocks reduced to ash, all those who beheld the smoldering and blasted ember-scape where sin can no longer find succor in its striving to corrupt Man, and all those whose eyes encompassed the landscape free of Downtown Evansville and its horrid plague of mortal weakness, to contact the authorities immediately. “This individual is still at large, and we implore all Evansville residents to be alert and notify us if you see the One through whom the Almighty Phoenix has at long last acted—praised be the day, this blessed day, our long-awaited day of conflagration, of salvation, of brilliant baptism—o, the brilliant fire! The fire that poured forth, its cleansing flames coruscating and dancing for all to see! Yes! Yes! Yes! Suffer no more the Unburnt to walk the scorched Earth! Rejoice! Animabus purgatis igne! Subimus vobis! Animabus purgatis igne!” At press time, the Evansville Police Department had offered itself to the flame.
New Fitness Tracker Monitors Amount Of Exercise Users Watch On TV #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Hailing the product as a huge step forward in health monitor technology, representatives from Fitbit held a product-reveal event today at which shareholders were shown a new fitness tracker capable of monitoring the amount of exercise the wearer watches on television. “Using the latest in optical nerve monitoring, the Fitbit Tele-View Alta allows users to set and achieve goals for watching televised activity of all types,” said Fitbit CEO James Park, emphasizing how the Tele-View Alta allows users to track activity from commercials, sports games, and training montages, making special mention of a feature enabling the device to remind the user to turn on the television if a significant interval had passed since the wearer saw a character stand or stretch. “I think our user community will be pleasantly surprised at how much exercise they watch, whether they’re catching a passing glance of a character walking on TV in a store window display or watching a home improvement host climb stairs while they’re at the dentist. As long as they avoid watching sedentary characters or seeing themselves in the mirror, they’ll hit their exercise-watching goal well before their viewing binge is over.” Early beta testers of the new Tele-View Alta have already figured out how to cheat the system by leaving the tracker in front of the TV while they sleep.
Trump Authorizes Release Of Ukraine Call Memo #~# Yielding to calls for him to provide transparency on the issue, President Trump authorized the release of a memorandum describing a phone call in which he called for Ukraine to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. What do you think?
White House Unveils Lightly Edited Memorandum Of U.S. Constitution That Specifically Declares Trump’s Innocence #~# WASHINGTON—Seeking to exculpate the president from alleged wrongdoing, the White House released a lightly edited memorandum of the U.S. Constitution Wednesday that specifically declares Trump’s innocence. “[The President of the United States of America] shall hold his Office during the Term of four Years, and, together with the Vice President, chosen for the same Term, can talk to whatever foreign official he wants about any subject whenever he wants, consequence-free,” read the memo, which White House sources indicated did not include the full text of the nation’s founding document but offered a summation of its important points such as “Congress has the power to shut up and stay out of the President’s way.” “The President, Vice President, and all Civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors, assuming they are Democratic officials. This impeachment process shall not hold in the event that the president is a former real estate developer whose party controls the Senate...Make America Great Again! Trump 2020!” At press time, legal scholars had suggested that despite the edits, the memorandum contained over a dozen examples of the president breaking the law.
NFL Reaffirms Commitment To Player Safety By Eliminating QB Position #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to prevent unnecessary injuries to some of the game’s biggest stars, representatives for the NFL reaffirmed its commitment to player safety Wednesday by eliminating the quarterback position from starting lineups. “We expect some blowback from fans who say you can’t have football without a quarterback, but this safety measure is ultimately what’s best for the player’s health, and quarterbacks are far too valuable to risk letting them get hit on the field,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, clarifying that quarterbacks would remain on each team’s roster and retain their multimillion-dollar salaries, but would simply be banned from stepping foot on the field at any time. “All of the research suggests that the quarterback position puts athletes at serious risk, and they should not be subjected to physical contact at any time. Quarterbacks will still be the face of the team, cheering from the sidelines and consulting with coaches on play calls, but moving forward, each play will now begin with a center simply snapping the ball into an empty backfield, triggering a frantic scramble and dogpile for possession of the football.” At press time, the NFL announced a new 15-yard penalty for any team that bumps into the opposing quarterback on the sideline.
Weak, Exhausted Nancy Pelosi Given Saline Drip Following Hours-Long Attempt To Stand Firm In Convictions #~# WASHINGTON—Collapsing from the extreme exertion required to announce an impeachment inquiry into the president, a weak and exhausted House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was reportedly given a saline drip Tuesday night following an hours-long stretch during which she stood firm in her convictions. “She’s obviously not used to following her conscience like this, or acting in accordance with any clear set of principles, so the experience has left her completely drained,” said Pelosi’s communication director, Ashley Etienne, confirming that medical personnel administered fluids to the speaker after she went an entire news cycle without ever capitulating, an amount of strain that can be life-threatening for a 17-term lawmaker. “Once her voice started to quiver and she slumped down at the end of her speech, we realized her body simply couldn’t take this level of sustained effort. We’re honestly just amazed she lasted as long as she did.” At press time, sources reported House Democratic leaders had postponed the impeachment investigation once more after a doctor prescribed six months of bed rest for Pelosi.
Pelosi Announces Formal Impeachment Inquiry Of Trump #~# House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced yesterday a formal impeachment inquiry into President Trump following reports that he may have withheld military aid to Ukraine in order to force their hand in investigating Joe Biden’s debunked charges. What do you think?
Botox Criticized For New Ad Campaign Targeting Millie Bobby Brown #~# LOS ANGELES— In response to a multi-platform blitz including TV, online, print, and radio advertisements, cosmetic-injection giant Botox was forced to apologize Wednesday for their recent ad campaign specifically targeting 15-year-old actress Millie Bobby Brown. “Botox and the entire Allergan family sincerely express their regrets over our ill-advised ‘Millie: Not Getting Any Younger’ campaign, and wholeheartedly admit that, after conferring with concerned consumers including many of Millie’s fans, we now see that it was inappropriate,” company spokesperson Brenton Saunders said of the $1.3 million campaign that included spreads in Cosmopolitan, Elle, Vogue, Marie Claire, and dozens of billboards—all in a 7-mile radius of the teen’s residence—depicting a marked-up image of potential problem areas on Brown’s face, implying that her career could really take off if she got some work done. “We see now how these ads could be seen as perpetuating a culture of beauty that preys on the insecurities of young women, which is patently unhealthy, regardless of how much they could stand to even out some of those laugh lines. At any rate, we believe Ms. Brown is beautiful just the way she is and will be so for at least the next five years, give or take.” In an attempt to make amends, Botox launched a new campaign set to run on public transportation, newspapers, and internet banner ads, framed around the tagline ‘Millie, We’ll Be Here When You Need Us.’
7 Things We Learned From Sony’s ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Media Event #~# Naughty Dog’s The Last of Us Part II might be the most anticipated game of this generation, and with their latest State of Play, Sony pulled the cover off it in a big way. Here’s everything we learned about the upcoming blockbuster from yesterday’s media event.
Stuff On TV Show Always Going Wrong #~# CAPITOLA, CA—Finding himself baffled by how routinely everyday situations go awry for the trouble-prone characters on his favorite program, television viewer Lawrence Bedrosian remarked Wednesday on the uncanny regularity with which the stuff on the TV show goes completely wrong. “It’s, like, at the beginning of every episode everything is completely fine, and then, suddenly, someone has a personal reason to do something that just messes things up so that the characters have to deal with it,” said Bedrosian, evidently puzzled at how the protagonists can never catch a break and just live their lives due to the constant necessity of dealing with unexpected and often ludicrous events. “You’re presented, at first, with what looks like the beginning of a normal day, but then, bam! Not even five minutes in, there’s some ludicrous incident involving an out-of-proportion personal reaction from somebody that creates high stakes for everyone involved. I’d be constantly frustrated if I were one of them. Their lives must be unusually stressful.” At press time, Bedrosian was perplexed by a stream of bad decisions resulting in a situation made worse by each character’s personal quirks, which ultimately culminated in a race to get the horse out of the apartment before the girls arrived.
Pros And Cons Of A 4-Day Workweek #~# American workers typically work far more than in other countries, leading to increased calls for a four-day workweek, but this proposal has received a variety of criticism. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of a four-day workweek.
Signs Of Trauma On Neolithic Skeleton Indicate Early Humans’ Lifestyle Far More Slapstick Than Previously Thought #~# AMMAN, JORDAN—In a discovery archaeologists claimed would radically alter our understanding of early humans’ ability to carry a teetering column of objects and then subsequently drop them all after stubbing a toe, a Neolithic skeleton unearthed Tuesday reportedly bears signs of trauma suggesting early humans had a lifestyle far more slapstick than previously imagined. “Our team at the Ain Ghazal dig site has located the remains of a very foolish man who died in approximately 8800 B.C.E., and whose cranial trauma leads us to believe that coeval Homo sapiens were bonked with 10 times as many blunt objects than we once thought,” said dig site supervisor Dr. Rajat Patel, noting that the 11,000-year-old body’s low-density, dysplastic hip bones paint a picture of ancient humans scrambling to pull up pants that haphazardly dropped around their ankles 10 to 15 times a day. “Additionally, the scores of injuries to this man’s tailbone indicate a history of near-constant pratfalls, presumably suffered after sliding on the peels of local fruits; while malformations in his pubis tell us he would often suffer sudden and surprising blows to the groin, most likely causing him to scream the early hominid equivalent of ‘Yowch.’ Perhaps most interesting are the signs of repeated simultaneous heat trauma and saltwater damage to the upper cranium, which lead us to believe that this man made a habit of accidentally setting himself on fire and then sprinting into the ocean to extinguish the flames in a sizzling burst of steam. Once there, judging by his crushed and abraded nasal bones, he was typically pinched on the nose by a tenacious crab that refused to let go.” Patel promised that further discoveries would be forthcoming once his team was able to examine the perfect fleeing man-shaped holes in the walls surrounding the excavation site.
Trump Admits To Talking To Ukraine About Biden #~# Accelerating calls for his impeachment, President Trump admitted Monday to talking to Ukraine about launching a corruption investigation into Joe Biden, suggesting he may have attempted to pressure the nation into damaging the reputation of the former vice president. What do you think?
Beto O’Rourke’s Son Concerned Trump Will Order Ukraine To Investigate Him Next #~# EL PASO, TX—Worrying over whether he had ever engaged in any activity that might hurt his father’s candidacy, Henry O’Rourke, the 8-year-old son of White House hopeful Beto O’Rourke, expressed concern Tuesday that President Trump might instruct Ukraine to investigate him next. “What if those Ukrainian guys find out about that time last year I got my recess privileges taken away for acting up in class?” the visibly panicked third-grader said as he repeatedly searched beneath his bed and inside his closet to make sure there weren’t any unfinished school assignments or other incriminating materials that could be used against him or his father. “I don’t think I’ve done anything too bad, but I’d better cover my tracks just in case. Oh God—there is that time I copied my friend Tyler’s math homework! It only happened once, though, and I don’t think he’ll talk. Still, they went after Hunter [Biden], and it’s only a matter of time before they start digging up dirt on me.” The young O’Rourke added that he was glad his father never gained enough influence in Congress for anyone to ever accuse him of abusing his power for his son’s benefit.
Fox News Apologizes For Their Mentally Ill Hosts #~# NEW YORK—Responding to criticism for comments about 16-year-old Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg made on their network, Fox News officials apologized Tuesday for their mentally ill hosts. “While we understand some people disagree with the statements made by Laura Ingraham and other pundits on Fox News, it’s important to remember that these are completely deranged nutcases who lack any emotional intelligence and have severe anger issues,” said Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott, who requested viewers’ compassion and tolerance with the network’s decision to repeatedly give deeply disturbed individuals like Tucker Carlson a platform to offer his unhinged views. “These are people who have severe psychiatric impairments that make them unable to control their thoughts and urges. What they say may not always fall within the general idea of appropriate speech, and they may behave in ways that we do not associate with being totally with it, but it’s important to remember that they’ve overcome severe mental issues to share their thoughts with us.” Scott added that none of this would be happening if the hosts’ parents had just raised them right and stepped in to stop them from repeatedly making their crazy statements in public. 
Democrats Criticize Trump For Attacking Greta Thunberg Instead Of Praising Her Bravery, Ignoring Her Later #~# WASHINGTON—Describing his behavior as deeply inappropriate, Democratic leaders roundly criticized President Donald Trump Tuesday for attacking climate activist Greta Thunberg instead of just offering her praise and then subsequently ignoring her. “Yet again, we have seen the cruel and vindictive nature of a president who thinks it’s acceptable to hurl schoolyard taunts at this wonderful young woman instead of acting very interested in what she has to say and then doing nothing whatsoever about it,” said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, adding that this incident raised questions about the fundamental decency of someone who would mock a 12-year-old activist when he should be gleaning whatever social capital he can from her and then pretending as though she never existed. “I want to say right now to Ms. Thunberg that Donald Trump’s dismissive comments do not represent the country as a whole. I assure you that the next time you want to speak to leaders who could benefit from being associated with climate activism, the Democratic party is here for you as long as the cameras are rolling and not a second longer.” Hoyer went on to condemn Fox News for launching ad hominem attacks against Thunberg instead of merely criticizing her proposals as unrealistic and anti-business.
Hitman 2’s New Tropical Resort DLC Lets You Quit Being An Assassin And Become An Ornithologist For The Remainder Of The Game #~# About 45 minutes into Hitman 2’s new “Haven Island” DLC, players are faced with a choice that not only changes the rest of the downloadable level but the course of the series itself: Will you continue on in your mission to kill an affluent kingpin while sneaking through the Maldive resort’s tropical forests? Or will you quit being an assassin, steal the identity of a field ornithologist, and embark on a tenured academic career studying the mating rituals of long-tailed scarlet macaws?
Greta Thunberg Delivers Fiery Speech At U.N.’s Climate Action Summit #~# 16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg addressed the U.N. Climate Action Summit with an emotional speech condemning leaders for inaction and stressing that while “[e]ntire ecosystems are collapsing… all you can talk about is money and fairy tales of eternal economic growth. How dare you!” What do you think?
God Fucking Damnit, Live-In Maid Sorted Satins And Cottons Together Again #~# WESTCHESTER, NY—Despite expressing to her on numerous past occasions the gravity of making this sort of mistake, sources confirmed Tueasday that, God fucking damnit, the live-in maid had sorted the satins and cottons together again. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, how many times have we told Maria not to put the baronet weave and pima cotton into the same drawer,” sources noted, stressing that despite living just down the hall in the spare guest room, she somehow could not seem to do a single goddamn thing right around this house. “First, she puts the whiskey tumblers and the champagne flutes next to each other on the credenza, and now this? Honestly, I feel like I’m losing my mind. Just look at them—the acala is folded right in with the charmeuse, and the Monroe is paired with the spare Egyptian. This is a complete fucking disaster.” At press time, reports had confirmed that if something like this ever happened again, they would simply call immigration.
3-Year-Old Going To Hold In Fact That Cashier Is Fat Until He’s At Checkout #~# Bettendorf, IA—Preparing to humiliate both his mother and the employee in one fell swoop, local 3-year-old Alex Delaney confirmed Tuesday that he was going to hold in the fact that the grocery store cashier is fat until he reaches the checkout. “Right now, I’m just thinking about the fact that the man is overweight, but once our cart reaches the register, I’m going to blurt out to everyone within earshot that he’s fat,” said the toddler, adding that he’s still deciding between emphatically stating “You’re fat” or quizzically asking “Mommy, why is that man fat?” “First, I’m going to lull him into a false sense of security by smiling at him and then giggling when he smiles back. Then when he trusts me—bam—I’m gonna let loose my discovery that he’s the fattest man I’ve ever seen. It’s pretty ingenious, really. This is just like the time I told grandma she’s gonna die soon because she’s so old.” At press time, Delaney outlined plans to squeeze his penis for the entirety of his preschool’s concert program.
Disney Opens 200-Acre Sadomasochism Theme Park After Purchasing Rights To Hellraiser Franchise #~# ORLANDO—Six years after acquiring the rights to the 1987 horror classic, Disney Parks, Experiences and Products formally opened its new World Of Agony Monday, a 200-acre sadomasochistic theme park based on the Hellraiser franchise. “As soon as guests crawl through the main entrance, they’ll be transported to a searing nether realm where skinless demons roam free and the boundary between pain and pleasure is all but erased,” said company president George Kalogridis, noting that visitors would be inundated with sounds and visuals designed to short-circuit their senses and make them feel as though at any moment a Cenobite could jump through a wall and flay them alive. “Without giving too much away, I’ll say there’s a 10-story plunge into a pit of real lava, a nipple-clipped adventure through an alternate dimension, and a food court serving a wide range of inedible toxic treats. And be sure to stick around, because every day at 5 p.m., there will be a chain-bound parade of mutant sex fiends down Maim Street U.S.A.” Kalogridis added that park pass—which also includes access to Epcot and the Magic Kingdom—was $79.99 but could also be paid for in blood.
Nation Perplexed By 16-Year-Old Who Doesn’t Want World To End #~# NEW YORK—Following her U.N. address about the existential threat posed by a rapidly warming planet, citizens across the United States confirmed Monday they were perplexed by Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg, a 16-year-old who apparently has no desire to see the world end. “I know she’s from another country, but she’s still a teenager, right?” said 33-year-old Sophia Williams of Kenosha, WI, her confusion reportedly shared by millions of Americans who recalled that during their own adolescence they had hated the world and everyone in it and had felt the end couldn’t come fast enough. “I don’t understand why a high school kid like her isn’t locking herself in her bedroom and writing bad poetry about how nothing matters and everything is meaningless. Instead of going around the world and giving speeches in which she urges people to save the planet, shouldn’t she be commiserating with her friends about how pointless life is and how we’d all be better off dead? I just don’t get it.” At press time, an online survey found that a majority of Americans agree someone should make sure Thunberg’s parents are aware of her unusual behavior in case she needs to seek help.
Obsessive-Compulsive Baseball Player Has To Touch All 3 Bases Before Going Home #~# CINCINNATI—Expressing concern over their teammate’s unhealthy fixation on repeating the process, Cincinnati Reds players confirmed Monday that outfielder Phil Ervin always has to touch all three bases before going to home plate. “He just can’t go near home plate without first touching every single base in order with his foot—it’s a total fixation,” said first baseman Joey Votto, recalling a play where Ervin couldn’t even sprint to home for a score without first going back to “tag up third base.” “I suppose there’s nothing wrong with it, but it gets a little awkward when the entire dugout has to wait for him to round the bases before we can congratulate him on his homer.” At press time, several teammates approached Ervin on his compulsory habit of wearing the same hat and gloves every game.
Walmart To Stop Selling All E-Cigarettes #~# Citing regulatory uncertainty in announcing its decision, retail giant Walmart will cease selling e-cigarettes immediately, the company said Friday. What do you think?
Netflix CEO Chews Out Content Creators In Post-Emmys Locker Room Tirade #~# LOS ANGELES—After his streaming service came in second behind HBO in the total number of statuettes taken home at the awards show, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings reportedly chewed out his content creators Sunday in a relentless, rage-fueled tirade in the post-Emmys locker room. “You want to tell me what the fuck just happened out there—how did we lose to something called Fleabag, goddammit?” screamed Hastings, who chastised The Kominsky Method creator Chuck Lorre, Russian Doll star Natasha Lyonne, and others by name, reminding them he could cancel their shows with the snap of his fingers. “Would you like what happened to Tuca & Bertie to happen to you? Would you? Because if you don’t get your shit together, that’s the direction you’re all headed. And how is it you pansy asses didn’t produce a single documentary on nuclear power plant disasters, huh? I don’t care how you do it. Next time, get out there, melt one down, and film it if you have to. These are the Emmys, for Christ’s sake! Aw, you’re the sorriest damn group of creatives I’ve ever seen.” At press time, sources reported Hastings had greenlit 600 original scripts in an attempt to pad Netflix’s offerings for the 2020 award season. 
Regular Customer Of Sinaloa Cartel Shocked To Learn Organization Funded Death Squads #~# SAN DIEGO—Expressing his disbelief and disappointment over purchasing the Sinaloa drug cartel’s products for decades while remaining ignorant of their less-than-ethical attitude toward competing business, regular cocaine customer Richard Barnes confirmed this week that he was shocked to learn the powerful international drug-trafficking organization had helped fund death squads. “I have to say, it’s really disturbing to learn that such a popular and respected institution could do something like this,” said Barnes, who admitted he personally enjoyed the syndicate’s high-quality cocaine, but was disappointed to learn how they had financially supported paramilitary groups that carried out repeated extrajudicial killings of cartel opponents. “Consumers vote with their wallets, and it feels morally wrong to buy their coke, no matter how highly refined, if your money could potentially be paying criminals to repress, torture, and assasinate their rivals. It’s crazy that people don’t know about this—I should alert Sleeping Giants.” Barnes, who has reportedly written the Sinaloa cartel a harshly worded letter denouncing their practices and declaring his intent to take his recreational drug business elsewhere, has not been seen for three days.
Viewers Disappointed New ‘Frozen 2’ Trailer Provides Almost No Clues To The Specifics Of Trump’s Conversations With Ukrainian President #~# SANTA FE, NM—Noting that the footage produced more questions than answers, viewers expressed disappointment Monday that the new trailer for Frozen 2 provided almost no clues about the specifics of President Donald Trump’s conversations with the leader of Ukraine. “It’s unfortunate that even a frame-by-frame breakdown of the Frozen sequel’s trailer offered almost no additional insights into Trump possibly using military funds to blackmail Ukraine’s president to investigate Joe Biden,” said Frozen fan Lara Hadden, complaining that despite indications that the Disney film would feature beloved characters such as Elsa, Anna, and Olaf, there were virtually no specific details about Trump pressuring Ukraine to undermine his political rival and aid his reelection bid. “Even a close reading between the lines of Elsa and company entering the enchanted forest that has been overtaken by dark forces still provides very little evidence as to whether the communications Trump had with the foreign power amounted to treason. They make it clear that Elsa is determined to discover the origin of her magical powers, but unfortunately, they play things pretty close to the vest as to whether this incident rises to the level of an impeachable offense.” At press time, the film’s creators urged fans to keep their eyes peeled, hinting that many easter eggs about Trump’s foreign communications remained undiscovered throughout the trailer.
House Democrats Issue Condemnation Of Ukraine For Making It Harder To Avoid Impeaching Trump #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to hold those responsible to full account, congressional Democrats issued a resolution Monday condemning Ukraine for its role in making it harder to avoid impeaching President Trump. “It’s completely unacceptable for Ukraine’s leaders to engage in these potentially criminal talks that have pushed us perilously close to taking action against the president,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, telling reporters that the bill, H.R. 2995, would “send a powerful message” to any nation or individual who would attempt to force Democrats’ hands at conducting oversight. “If these allegations are true that Ukraine allowed itself to be blackmailed by President Trump, we have no choice but to denounce these actions in the strongest possible terms. It’s deeply reckless for Ukraine to push us towards investigating criminal behavior, especially so close to an election year, and we hope this resolution will put an end to that.” At press time, Pelosi had expressed her satisfaction that the bill had been approved after receiving widespread Republican support. 
Quiet Nerdy Kid Lies In Wait For Perfect Moment To Unleash Freestyle Rap Abilities On Classmates #~# PLANO, TX—In the six weeks since classes began at Plano Senior High School, quiet, nerdy student Henry Orvis, 16, has been lying in wait and looking for just the right moment to unleash his freestyle rap talents on his fellow sophomores, sources reported Monday. “Soon, very soon, the time will be right, and I daresay they won’t know what hit them when I start spitting mad fire,” said the unpopular Orvis, who reportedly spent much of the summer practicing his MC skills alone in his bedroom so that, upon returning to school last month, he could “catch wreck” with students in his class. “Just wait until these high school fools find out I’ve got flow like Nas. They have no idea what kind of nasty rhymes I have in store for them. They’ll never see it coming.” At press time, sources confirmed Orvis was not yet four bars into his first public freestyle attempt when his classmates beat the shit out of him. 
Years Of Playing Tower Defense Games Can’t Prepare You For The Responsibilities Of Defending A Real Tower #~# The divide between games and reality is vast. Though it can feel like you’re getting better and honing your skills while you’re playing, those skills don’t necessarily translate in the real world. As challenging as these games might sometimes be, years of playing tower defense games can’t even begin to prepare you for the responsibilities of defending a real tower.
U.S. Abortions Hit Record Low #~# Birth control and fewer pregnancies have led to abortions among women of reproductive age dropping 3.4% to 13.5% between 2011 and 2017, the lowest ever since abortions became legal in 1973. What do you think?
Vatican Forced To Revoke Dozens Of Sainthoods After Discovering Miracles Performed With Eldritch Magic #~# VATICAN CITY—After uncovering compromising historical records in the Holy See’s archive, the Vatican announced Monday that they would disavow dozens of saints who had performed their miracles using eldritch magic derived from sources of sheer madness and chaos. “Effective immediately upon learning that many of these miracles were performed using sorcery of the darkest and most horrific variety, we have decided to strip these individuals of their sainthood,” said Pope Francis, noting that he had been “shaken to his core” by revelations that St. Bartholomew had been spotted consorting with an 11-feet-tall being of writhing tendrils and dimly lit eyes before following the abomination into a churning tunnel coated in countless rows of human teeth. “What frightens me most is the contemporary sources suggesting that my patron, St. Francis of Assisi, was seen carrying around a grimoire bound in human flesh just before the healing miracle at Nardi. I don’t want to believe something like this is possible. Yet, while touring the papal catacombs, I have often heard softly hissing voices speaking in a demented tongue unknown to any man.” At press time, Francis announced that the Swiss Guard had been dispatched to destroy the former saint’s relics and pour sacramental elixirs onto the ashes, although he feared even this would not be enough to hold their ineffable horrors at bay.
Joe Kennedy Dodges Crashing Planes, Swerving Cars After Announcing Campaign For Senate #~# BOSTON—Moments after announcing plans to mount a 2020 challenge to Ed Markey for his Massachusetts Senate seat, Representative Joe Kennedy III was forced Saturday to dodge crashing planes, swerving cars, and a tumbling stampede of rolling concrete tubes all seemingly charging in his direction. “I believe this state is ready for a bold change in direction, and I intend to take us there next year—oh, dear God!” said Kennedy, who covered his head to shield himself from debris as a tractor trailer smashed wildly through the wall behind him, then sprinted into the street past several exploding manhole covers, eluding a dozen lightning strikes, ducking just under the swinging attacks of several sword-wielding assassins, hiding in an alleyway from a sniper’s laser sights, and finally jumping clear of a sinkhole that swallowed several blocks of East Boston. “Help! Help! Can anyone hear me? Jesus Christ, how are there two tidal waves in the middle of the city?” At press time, Kennedy was spotted waving to paparazzi while boarding a rickety vintage light plane and setting off towards a campaign appearance directly into a raging thunderstorm.
Audubon Society President Spends Another Morning In Attic Feeding Nation’s 2.9 Billion Missing Birds #~# DOBBS FERRY, NY—Climbing the wooden stairs into a room overflowing with bird droppings, loose feathers, and owl pellets, Audubon Society president David Yarnold reportedly spent another morning in his attic Friday feeding the 2.9 billion birds reported missing by avian researchers. “How are all my precious angels doing today?” Yarnold said to the mass avian gathering, scattering a pail of breadcrumbs to the 700,000 ruby-throated hummingbirds squawking on the attic’s floorboards before putting a sunflower seed in his teeth and feeding it to one of the 3 million goldfinches nesting in the rafters. “It’s so nice to have you all to myself. And here’s a little treat of herring for Mr. Pebbles the Pelican. And some shrimp for Miss Flamingo. Oh, my goodness, you’re all in such a happy mood. Come over here, Sherbet O’Donahue! Let me stroke your gorgeous feathers.” At press time, an additional 50 million seagulls, kingfishers, and mallards had reportedly vanished after Yarnold jury-rigged garden hoses to run up his stairs to his attic to fill up several thousand kiddie pools.
Justin Trudeau Apologizes For Brownface Photos From 2001 #~# Admitting that the practice was racist and he should have known better, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau apologized for wearing brownface to an Arabian Nights-themed party in 2001 and blackface several years before. What do you think?
‘Ni No Kuni’: Remastering Done Right, But Gameplay Is Marred By My Newborn Son’s Constant Screaming #~# Gamers who played 2010’s phenomenal Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch when it was first released will remember it for the heartfelt tale of Oliver, its addictive Pokémon-inspired battle system, and most of all, the eye-catching Studio Ghibli character designs. Nearly a decade on, I’m happy to report that the game is back in remastered form to introduce a whole new generation of gamers to this incredible adventure. Unfortunately, if you’re anything like me, you’ll find this remastering job is marred by your newborn son’s near-constant screaming for food.
Overwhelmed Dolphins GM Asks Players To Please Use Automated Email Form When Making Trade Requests #~# MIAMI—Reminding players that the procedure was the fastest, most efficient way for them to all get what they want, General Manager Chris Grier took a moment Friday to remind the Miami Dolphins once again that any incoming trade requests needed to be submitted to him via the automated email form. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you guys, we have the Google form for a reason, there is no way I can keep track of all these requests otherwise,” said Grier, reiterating that requests submitted through the form would be prioritized over dozens of emails he had received simply reading “Get me out of here,” and that in order to keep requests straight, he at least needed basic information from them such as position, contact info, and name. “We have a little bit of a submission backlog, so unfortunately, some of you might have to keep on playing with us for another month or so. Some people didn’t procrastinate until Week 2 and they deserve first priority. And guys, please don’t just tweet, “I want to be with a contender,” at a bunch of reporters hoping I’ll see it. Also, I need the specific cities you want me to look at when I’m processing your request.” At last report, Grier had been forced to send a follow-up email with a new trade request form after the first one crashed from overuse.
Rookie Forest Ranger Not Getting Hopes Up About Seeing Tree On First Day #~# SHERIDAN, WY—Lowering his expectations in an effort to avoid disappointment, rookie forest ranger TJ Hayward told reporters Friday that he was not getting his hopes up about seeing a tree on his first day of work. “If it happens, that would be great, but I’m not going to hold my breath for a lodgepole pine on day one,” said Hayward, noting that one of his colleagues who has already been there over six months hasn’t seen even a single spruce or fir yet. “Of course I’d love to come across a majestic aspen in the wild, but I know it could be years before that happens, if it happens at all. I’ll just keep an eye out for any tree droppings that I may notice on the trails. I know that if I see a squirrel, there’s probably a tree nearby.” At press time, Hayward was speechless and on the verge of tears after stumbling upon a beautiful, towering wooden utility pole.
Merriam-Webster Adds Nonbinary ‘They’ To Dictionary #~# Merriam-Webster announced updates to its dictionary this week, including adding the use of the word “they” as a singular, nonbinary pronoun and weakening that case that using it is nongrammatical. What do you think?
NFL Pre-emptively Adds Whatever Bullshit Gronk Hawking To Banned Substance List #~# NEW YORK—Claiming the measure was a necessary precaution to prevent what must be some pretty terrible side effects, representatives for the National Football League announced plans Friday to add whatever bullshit Rob Gronkowski was hawking on social media to the banned substances list. “We’re looking out for the best interests of our players by just going ahead and prohibiting whatever CBD-based nonsense Gronkowski is peddling,” said spokesperson Brian McCarthy, clarifying that league officials had not conducted any formal testing before forbidding the substance, but were 100% confident in the dangers it poses to anyone who ingests it. “After reviewing Gronk’s claims about his ability to heal himself over the course of a summer, we had more than enough information to constitute an immediate, permanent ban. Even if it doesn’t affect or enhance players’ performance, we don’t want to take any chances. As far as we’re concerned, anything that Gronk promotes on Twitter can’t be safe for human consumption.” At press time, league sources announced that they were keeping their eyes on all that Tom Brady “TB12” shit just to be safe.
The 25th Anniversary Of ‘Friends’ #~# The sitcom Friends debuted September 22, 1994, becoming a generational touchstone over its 10-season run, and remains one of the most popular TV shows on streaming services. The Onion looks back at key moments in the show’s history on its 25th anniversary.
Justin Trudeau Responds To Blackface Criticism With New ‘Triggered?’ Campaign Slogan #~# OTTAWA—Following the release of images that reveal the head of government wore blackface and brownface on multiple occasions, Canadian head of government Justin Trudeau responded to criticism Thursday with a new campaign ad in which the slogan “Triggered?” appears on screen as he dabs his face with burnt cork. “Oh, boo-hoo, I’m sorry, do my policies bother you, SJWs?” Trudeau said in the 30-second TV spot, during which he vows not to be victimized by cancel culture and remarks that if this was how “those prissy, whiny snowflakes” were going to be, he didn’t even want to be their “goddamn prime minister.” “Wake up, soyboys! From Vancouver to Halifax, it’s time for this country to stop answering to the feminazis and uncuck itself. The so-called ‘tolerant’ left is just going to have to deal with the fact that by the time I’m through, there’s not going to be a single safe space left in all of Canada.” Within hours of the new slogan’s release, polls confirmed the prime minister’s approval rating had skyrocketed to 91%.
White House Strips California Of Auto Emissions Waiver #~# The White House has revoked California’s right to set its own vehicle emissions standards and banned other states from setting similar rules in a move that would likely increase carbon emissions from transportation but will almost certainly face legal challenges. What do you think?
Grandmother Contracts Herpes 5 Minutes After Checking Into Nursing Home #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the 85-year-old’s luggage had not even been carried from the foyer to her new room yet, medical staff told reporters Thursday that area grandmother Mary Rosenstein had contracted herpes within five minutes of checking into Tompkins Manor nursing home. “She got her name tag, she got her welcome packet, then boom—STIs,” said nurse Larry Ashbern, adding that even before Rosenstein’s family had pulled their car out of the parking lot, the widowed grandmother of 12 had already engaged in enough unprotected sex with enough partners to contract several strains of Herpesviridae. “Within seconds of saying goodbye to her loved ones and finding a room with a door she could lock, Mrs. Rosenstein had been exposed to, and no doubt passed along, numerous sexually transmitted infections. By dinner tonight, we’re expecting a full-on, facility-wide outbreak of not only herpes simplex types 1 and 2, but also chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, and who knows what other diseases. Which is really not all that unusual anytime a new patient arrives at our facility.” At press time, medical staff reported that every single resident of Tompkins Manor had developing several open, oozing cold sores.
Pompeo To Increase Bombing In Afghanistan After Figuring They’ll Miss And Hit Iran At Some Point #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining how human error or inaccuracy of the weaponry should eventually produce the desired result, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo reportedly ordered the military Thursday to increase bombing in Afghanistan after figuring that they’ll miss and hit Iran at some point. “I am ordering a sustained bombing offensive in Afghanistan since there’s a really good chance that if we launch enough missiles, one of them has to veer off course and eventually strike Iran,” said Pompeo, adding that they are going to make sure to put their most inept military commanders in charge of the air attacks and just wait until one ballistic missile deviates and destroys a residential neighborhood in the Islamic Republic. “Instead of directly engaging with Iran, we’re just going to send a bunch more drones to Afghanistan and let our incompetence play itself out. Given our track record, it really shouldn’t take too long.” At press time, Pompeo decided that the U.S. military might as well ratchet up bombing in Syria and Yemen to make it happen faster. 
Pope Francis Tells Sinner Risky Experimental Sacrament Only Thing Capable Of Saving Him #~# VATICAN CITY—Saying that he wouldn’t recommend such an invasive course of action unless the situation was dire, Pope Francis told a sinner Thursday that a risky experimental sacrament was the only thing capable of saving him. “At such an advanced stage and with sins this mortal, I’d put the odds of saving your soul at 15%—and that’s if this new sacrament even works, which is far from guaranteed as it hasn’t been fully tested on humans yet,” said the Pope, adding that in pontifical trials on rhesus monkeys, only 30% saw a moderate increase in piety and 9% were instantly damned to Hell. “Had you confessed your sins earlier and begun a strong course of reconciliation, we might have nipped this thing in the bud—but as it stands right now, this long-shot sacrament is the best chance you’ve got.” At press time, the sinner was filling out paperwork—should the sacrament fail—to donate his soul for dissection and study.
Netflix Acquires Global Streaming Rights For ‘Seinfeld’ #~# In a major acquisition for the streaming giant, Netflix announced that it has acquired the rights to the popular sitcom Seinfeld, which will bring all 180 episodes of the sitcom to the company starting in 2021. What do you think?
Holy Shit, Toddler Just Face-Planted Right Onto Sidewalk #~# BEVERLY, MA—Noting that, oh shit, the little guy really went down hard, sources close to the situation confirmed Thursday that a toddler just face-planted right onto the sidewalk. “Oh, Jesus, he was walking fine and then—bam—down he went,” said onlooker Danielle Roper, who watched as local toddler Lucas Novich tripped and just slammed face-first into the concrete, damn. “Oh my god, he didn’t even get his hands up in time. He just crashed into the pavement. Christ.” At press time, fuck, that kid was really screaming.
Cubs Team Doctor Recommends Anthony Rizzo Rehab Injured Ankle By Engaging In Light Physical Activities Like Baseball #~# CHICAGO—Encouraging the first baseman to tread carefully during his long recovery process, the Cubs team doctor recommended Thursday that Anthony Rizzo rehab his injured ankle by engaging in light physical activities like baseball. “I told him to take it easy and maybe just try something like nine innings of professional baseball,” said team physician Stephen Adams, explaining that it is far too early for Rizzo to take a risk by playing football, basketball, or tennis, but that a few low-impact turns at the plate would be okay. “Running around the bases should be totally fine, and is actually a great way to rebuild strength. The light jogging and standing baseball calls for is ideal for any athlete looking to bounce back following a sprain of this nature. Hopefully, after a 162-game season of baseball, he should be ready to start playing sports again.” At press time, the Pittsburgh Pirates had announced Ben Roethlisberger would be taking over the starting 3rd baseman role while rehabbing his injured elbow.
Retail Employee Has Little Daily Ritual Where He Drinks Dr. Pepper In Quiet Corner Of Stock Room And Doesn’t Kill Himself #~# OXFORD, OH—Emphasizing that some alone time was a completely healthy way to keep things in perspective, coworkers confirmed Thursday that 31-year-old retail employee Andy Ellison has a little daily ritual of sitting down on a box in a quiet corner of the stock room, drinking most of a can Dr. Pepper, and not killing himself. “Every day, he just slips in there with a drink, takes a breather, and casually but consciously decides not to put a bullet in his brain,” said junior sales associate Suzanne Rehnquist, noting that Ellison occasionally also brought a bag of Fritos, but never a firearm, into the peaceful back room adjacent to the store’s Sports & Outdoors section. “Andy knows what he needs, and if that means having a little daily routine where he takes five minutes, sips a soda, and doesn’t wrap his mouth around the barrel of a handgun and send brain matter and skull fragments fountaining into the office supplies, good for him.” Sources have expressed doubts as to whether Ellison will be able to keep up his little routine for much longer.
Netanyahu Falls Short Of Majority In Israeli Election #~# Following a contentious campaign that saw the Israeli prime minister playing to far-right voters, exit polls have shown Benjamin Netanyahu’s Likud party trailing the center-left Blue and White party and gains for the Arab Joint List, raising the likelihood of a unity government and a reigning in of the country’s drift rightward. What do you think?
Adoption Agency Gives Couple Who Waited Long Time An Extra Kid Free Of Charge #~# FERGUS FALLS, MN—Gifting them another 7-year-old as a token of appreciation for their patience, local adoption agency Kindred Family Focus reportedly gave a couple who waited a long time an extra kid free of charge Wednesday. “We know we kept you waiting for a child for a long time, so in order to show our thanks, we’ve decided to throw in a freebie,” said Eric Steadfast, the agency manager, explaining how they would be waving all the associated fees as a small gesture of goodwill for the couple’s loyalty. “We want to make sure our customers are pleased with their service, so we’ve decided to make this deal a twofer, with the second child being totally complimentary. Hopefully, you’ll enjoy John and Derrick—they should go well together.” At press time, the couple was wondering if they could get a sportier model in a different color. 
New Treatment Stops Common Cold #~# A team at Stanford University and the University of California have developed a novel treatment to stop the common cold by attacking proteins in our own cells that the virus needs to replicate. What do you think?
School Shooter Thankfully Stopped Before Doing Enough Damage To Restart National Gun Debate #~# MERRIMACK, OH—Praising those who had leapt into action to prevent the incident from escalating, relieved authorities announced Wednesday that they had thankfully stopped a school shooter before he did enough damage to restart the national gun debate. “We’re all certainly glad that the shooter was only able to kill two students and injure a teacher before law enforcement arrived and prevented it from becoming a full-blown national dialogue,” said police chief Walter McMurray, adding that his department’s quick response ensured that tens of millions of Americans could sleep soundly knowing that they’d never have to discuss this particular shooting. “While it’s tragic that the shooter was able to cause two vigils, we’re grateful that it wasn’t quite enough carnage to spark any protests or plunge the nation into another week of discussing what we should about this. Our thoughts and prayers go out to any local residents who may be affected by conversations about gun violence over the next few days.” At press time, authorities responding to an unrelated incident in Georgia expressed how thankful they were that the shooting that killed seven people and wounded nearly a dozen others at least didn’t occur in a school.
Dolphins Fan Starting To Think Brian Flores Not Chief Architect Of Patriots’ Success #~# MIAMI—After giving up 43 points in a shut-out game this past weekend, local Dolphins fan Derrick Gomez confirmed Wednesday that he was beginning to think that Miami head coach Brian Flores was not the main driving force behind the New England Patriots’ years of success. “It seemed like a big win for us, at first, getting the guy we assumed was responsible for all those titles, but I’m starting to wonder if he’s not the once-in-a-generation coaching genius I thought he was,” said Gomez, who had assumed that hiring Flores would be the start of a 15-year Dolphins dynasty. “You get someone with that pedigree of being a linebackers coach for a championship team and you think you’ve got a sure thing. I was so excited to think it was all happening, that we got the big dog, Brian Flores, but now I don’t know. I’m just starting to question whether he had anything to do with Tom Brady’s on-field dominance at all.” At press time, Gomez had cursed himself for not realizing that the Lions had lucked out by landing the real architect behind New England’s success in Matt Patricia.
‘Law & Order: SVU’ Turns 20 #~# Law & Order: Special Victims Unit debuted September 20, 1999, and has become a much-watched and much-referenced crime drama over its 20 seasons and counting on the air. The Onion looks back at key moments over the show’s history as it turns 20.
Philadelphia To Become DirecTV, PA After Cream Cheese Manufacturer Loses Naming Rights #~# DIRECTV, PA—Citing the rising cost of major metropolitan sponsorship, municipal officials announced Wednesday that, effective Nov. 1 of this year, the city once known as Philadelphia will now be called DirecTV, PA after the cream cheese company opted to discontinue its long-held naming rights to the city. “The name change will obviously take some getting used to, as well as significant signage changes we assume will be partially subsidized by our eponymous satellite broadcasting company, but we urge the citizens of DirecTV to welcome our new corporate partners,” said DirectTV mayor Jim Kenney, reminding citizens that this was not the first time naming rights to the city have changed hands; prior to becoming Philadelphia in 1812, the city had been named American Fur Company, PA, a name it took on after 40 years of being known as Caswell–Massey, Family Purveyors Of Fine Soaps And Spices, PA. “Whether you’re watching a DirecTV Eagles game, touring historic DirecTV City Hall, or enjoying a night out at the DirecTV Philharmonic Orchestra, this is still a wonderful place to share with friends and family. That’s why it’s called ‘The NFL Sunday Ticket City Of Brotherly Love.’” City officials confirmed they have been congratulated by representatives of many cities around the globe, from Maruchan, Japan to Kars4Kids, NJ. 
Yang Campaign Giving Away $120,000 For 10 Families #~# Touting the contest as a way of demoing his plan for a universal basic income, presidential candidate and businessman Andrew Yang has moved forward on his plan to give away $120,000 to 10 families, saying over 450,000 individuals have already entered. What do you think?
Trump Confirms That It Was Iran Or Some Country Like That Behind Saudi Oil Attacks #~# WASHINGTON—Addressing the recent attacks on Saudi Arabia that took out more than half that nation’s oil production capacity, President Trump told reporters Tuesday the precision-targeted bombings were a major act of aggression by Iran or some country like that. “The primary actor behind the strike on our Saudi allies was definitely Iran or one of those countries in that same part of the world—someplace with a lot of deserts, a lot of Muslims, a lot of guys with beards,” Trump said to members of the White House press corps, adding, “Syria maybe? Jordan?” before his voice dropped off to an inaudible mumble. “The American people can trust we will take swift action against...Qatar? No, that’s not it. We’re pretty sure Saudi Arabia didn’t do it, because why would they? Why would you bomb your own oil refineries? Then again, you never know. You never can tell. What do you guys think?” The president later clarified that the United States would bomb whichever country the Saudis paid it to bomb.
I Was In A Movie Called ‘Waterworld’ And Global Warming Is Causing Rising Sea Levels, So Is There Anything To That? Is That Worth Writing An Op-Ed About? No? I Dunno, Anyways… #~# Hi, I’m Kevin Costner. In 1995, I was in a pretty big-budget movie called Waterworld, and a major plot point of Waterworld was that the polar ice caps had completely melted, the sea levels rose, and the world was covered in water. I guess I’m bringing this up because a big thing currently happening on Earth is that Waterworld is kind of happening in real life. So what I’m wondering is this: Do you guys think there’s anything to that? That maybe there’s a pointed newspaper op-ed in there somewhere? Like, I dunno, a 400- to 600-word think piece about how prescient Waterworld was? Maybe something that weaves together the themes of Waterworld and relates them to our current global predicament? 
Woman Reminds Friend She Will Always Be Only A Phone Call, Uninterrupted 45-Minute Monologue About Guy She’s Seeing Away #~# SEATTLE—Emphasizing the importance of providing comfort and support, social media manager Gillian Dearborne assured her longtime friend Julie Kaplan Tuesday that she would always be just a phone call, prefaced by 45 minutes of breathless meandering about some guy she’s seeing, away. “If you ever need me for anything—anything at all—you only have to call me up, wait quietly for me to finish an unrelenting torrent of speculation about how my relationship with some dope you’ve never met is going, and I’ll be there for you,” said Dearborne, who prides herself on being a compassionate presence for friends once they sit through exhausting tirades about two mediocre dates she went on with a Tinder guy she’s not sure she even likes. “I’m serious! Anytime, day or night, you give me a ring, and I’ll spend most of the call laying out multiple theories about what a text message I got two weeks ago could possibly mean, and then I’ll suddenly end the conversation because I have to get ready for a date.” At press time, Kaplan’s attempt to interrupt a half-hour soliloquy about someone named Trevor had been promptly steamrolled.
Nike Recalls Sweat-Wicking Shirts That Pulled Gallons Of Liquid Directly From Wearers’ Bodies #~# BEAVERTON, OR—Warning customers to return the garments should they find themselves being drained of all fluids, Nike recalled thousands of sweat-wicking shirts Tuesday that inadvertently pulled gallons of liquid directly from wearers’ bodies. “If you or anyone you know puts on a Legend Dri-FIT short-sleeve training shirt and then immediately shrivels into a dried, wrinkled husk, please contact Nike for a full refund,” said spokeswoman Jessica Garland, who apologized directly to customers who purchased a moisture-wicking shirt, only to have every ounce of sweat, urine, and blood sucked out of their body. “You may think it’s okay to wear these shirts for a routine workout at the gym, but be warned—after five minutes of use, you could lose up to 40 pounds of water weight. Even if you wear it to sleep, you could wake up as nothing but a pile of desiccated flesh lying in a puddle.” At press time, Nike was forced to issue a second apology after news broke of a million-dollar lawsuit alleging their compression tops had crushed the torsos of athletes into an infinitesimally small speck of dust.
McDonald’s Appealing To Health-Conscious Consumers With New ‘You Can’t Run From Us Forever’ Ad Campaign #~# CHICAGO—In an attempt to win back increasingly health-conscious consumers, fast-food giant McDonald’s launched its new “You Can’t Run From Us Forever” ad campaign Tuesday, a media blitz intended to remind potential customers of the futility of avoiding the ubiquitous restaurant. “Despite the trend toward calorie counting, green eating, and plant-based diets, we at McDonald’s will track you down—and we will feed you,” said Terri Hickey, McDonald’s senior manager of global corporate communications, adding that those who think they aren’t susceptible to the restaurant’s offerings “are no different, and certainly no better than the billions and billions we’ve served.” “You’re on your high horse now, but you know that won’t last forever. You’ll be on a road trip, or maybe in an airport, or maybe just walking down the very street where you live, and boom! Suddenly, a Double Quarter Pounder will simply appear in your mouth. And you’ll find yourself loving it.” Nutritionists note there are, on average, three full-service McDonald’s franchises standing between a given consumer and any healthier meal alternatives, ready to exploit even the slightest hint of weakness.
Ken Burns Releases ‘Country Music’ Documentary #~# Examining the genre’s century-long rise through a 16-hour, 8-part documentary, Ken Burns’ Country Music premiered on Sunday to critical acclaim that lauded the series’ ability to celebrate the musical form’s history while discussing its more fraught roots. What do you think?
Game’s 5,000 Hours Of Written Dialogue Spread Over 200 Side Quests And 6 Branching Endings Derided As Rushed, Repetitive #~# Oh, man, gamers have got to take a gander at this new trainwreck. It looks like reviewers across the internet are harping on new RPG Eternal Dragon: Knights Of Terellia, deriding the open-world game’s 5,000 hours of dialogue spread over 200 side quests and six different endings as completely rushed and blandly repetitive.
New ESPN Peyton Manning Segment Breaks Down Current Crop Of Quarterback Commercials #~# BRISTOL, CT—Utilizing his expertise as one of the ad game’s all-time great pitchmen, ESPN debuted a new Monday Night Football segment this week featuring Peyton Manning breaking down the current crop of quarterback commercials. “Baker’s delivery is still a little stiff, but he has all the raw tools to deliver championship-level auto insurance for the people of Cleveland,” said Manning of the second-year Browns quarterback, claiming that if Mayfield worked on his follow-through with an acting coach he was well on his way to surpassing Cam Newton’s Under Armour spots. “You can tell Eli is basically done in New York, he looks terrible in this Visa commercial, just no feel or awareness of his surroundings. If we replay the tape here, you can see Saqoun [Barkley] rolling his eyes as he realizes that he’s wasting his prime starring in ads with Eli.” Manning ended the segment by analyzing footage of an Aaron Rodgers commercial, referring to him as a “diminished star” who desperately needs better frame blocking.
New Kavanaugh Sexual Misconduct Claim Emerges #~# A recently surfaced sexual misconduct allegation suggests that at least one report about Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s behavior went undiscussed at his confirmation hearing, although the claim lacked corroboration or significant investigation. What do you think?
Panicked Ken Burns Worried He In Too Deep With 17-Trillion-Hour ‘The Universe’ Documentary #~# WALPOLE, NH—As he shuffled through the pages of one of the 463 x 1018 primary resources he has assembled thus far, an overwhelmed Ken Burns reported Monday that he may have gotten in over his head when he agreed to produce a 17-trillion-hour documentary for PBS titled The Universe. “It’s definitely a lot more work than I anticipated, especially considering I’m only 0.000000001 seconds into the Big Bang so far,” said the visibly frazzled documentarian as he began screening a three-year-long clip from the film, which is set to be an in-depth look at the entirety of the cosmos, including history, science, arts, culture, and the grand design of all existence. “I’m really stressed out that some of the great stuff I have about multiverses, gravitational waves, the development of consciousness, amphibian reproduction, the Ottoman Empire, 19th-century Shaker furniture-making, the history of hydrogen, and feudalism will wind up on the cutting-room floor, because there just won’t be room for it all. Still, it’s been fun revisiting some of my favorite subjects, like baseball and the national parks, since they’ll be a part of this film. I just rewatched The Civil War, so we can do an episode about that, along with an additional episode about me making my documentary about it.” PBS confirmed The Universe was set to air in October 2104, when viewers will be able to have the film streamed directly into a neural implant via their preferred biochip technology or purchase a limited edition 8.5-trillion-DVD box set.
John Bolton Asked To Leave Condo Board Meeting After Repeatedly Advocating Bombing Isaacsons #~# BETHESDA, MD—Following the former Trump administration national security advisor receiving several warnings to tone down the use of violent rhetoric against other residents, John Bolton was reportedly asked Monday to leave a condo board meeting after repeatedly advocating bombing the Isaacsons. “Mr. Bolton, we must ask that you remove yourself until you can have a calm, rational discussion about the Isaacson family’s noise or over-use of common spaces without recommending double-tapping their unit with an MQ-9 Reaper drone,” said condo board president Marcia Lewis, adding that while she understood Bolton had recently lost his job and was spending more time at his residence, there was a formal process for lodging a complaint that didn’t include any options for the use of military force against the Isaacsons, nor for selling drones to a neighboring condo association that could act as a proxy. “We’ve done some research into your proposal, and we concluded that it would almost certainly kill the Isaacson family, including their three children, as well as cause mass casualties among the Portico’s other residents, which strikes us as a profound overreaction to Billy Isaacson hitting your car’s side mirror with his basketball the other day. And while we will look into your claim that the family is harboring pets, we have to remind you that owning a dog is not an act of aggression, Mr. Bolton. Furthermore, we have to ask you to tone down your attacks on the Sawyers, as hosting guests late, while annoying, is not a grave threat to national security. In the future, we really suggest you try sitting down with these families for a cup of coffee rather than continuing to call for an all-out aerial assault.” At press time, the condo board had issued Bolton a warning after learning that he had contacted a local demolition company in an effort to get them to knock down the condo building.
BREAKING: Mr. Bennington Completely Lost His Shit In 3rd Period #~# HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Saying that the U.S. history teacher had freaked out over basically nothing, classroom sources confirmed Monday that Mr. Bennington completely lost his shit in third period. “We were in the middle of a unit on World War II and Kyle was just sort of talking with some friends, and all of a sudden, Mr. Bennington shouted ‘For crying out loud, Kyle!’ and slammed his fist down really hard on his desk,” said student Meredith Lynn, recalling that the normally affable teacher had been so incensed that he even yelled at Julie and Devon who had only been listening to Kyle and hadn’t even made a peep. “There was a vein popping out of his forehead, and he goes, ‘Get the Hell out of my class’—he actually said ‘Hell’—and makes Kyle pack up and leave. And even after he calmed down, it was still super intense. He just had us all read quietly for the rest of the period until the bell rang.” At press time, sources reported that Mr. Bennington hadn’t yet shown up for his fourth-period class.
BREAKING: Kyle Acting Like Petulant Little Shit In 3rd Period #~# HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Saying that his rude and obnoxious behavior should have come as a surprise to absolutely no one, classroom sources confirmed Monday that Kyle was acting like a petulant little shit in third period. “I’m trying to get these kids to focus for long enough to actually learn a thing or two about the Weimar Republic, and look who pipes up with some snide wisecrack to try to impress the girls in class,” said U.S. history teacher Gary Bennington, noting that a semester and a half of enduring Kyle’s terrible attitude and complete lack of respect had finally pushed him to the breaking point. “I kicked that mean-spirited little puke out of my class. I think it made some of the other kids uncomfortable, but honestly, it took everything I had not to reach across my desk and smack that smug smile off his fucking face. You can ask any teacher here: Kyle is an asshole, his brother Tom was an asshole, and I have no doubt that when his sister Madison starts next year, she’ll be an asshole, too.” At press time, Bennington was reportedly sitting silently in his parked car as he tried to collect himself before fourth period.
Study Finds Naps Good For Heart #~# Napping once or twice every week could have beneficial effects on cardiovascular health, making such nappers 48% less likely to suffer a heart attack, stroke, or heart failure than those who did not nap at all. What do you think?
Dying Man’s Greatest Regret Wasting So Much Of Life Obsessing About People He Abducted And Strangled #~# TACOMA, WA—Sighing in resignation at the time he had squandered on such unimportant concerns, dying man Abe Prenderghast, 83, confessed Monday that his greatest regret was wasting so much of life obsessing over people he had systematically abducted and strangled. “Now that I’m at the end of the road, it’s hard for me not to look back and wonder why I ever got so worked up about what a bunch of strangers said to me as I watched the life drain from their eyes,” said the elderly man from his deathbed, lamenting the hours he had thrown away just replaying trivial comments branding him as a monster or tearfully begging him to stop as he tightened his gloved grip around their windpipe. “That’s so much of my life that I’ll never get back, and in the end, I didn’t even know most of these people. So, did the fact that they call me a sociopath affect me? Of course not. If anything, I could have spent all that mental energy suffocating even more people, dressing them in Native American regalia, ejaculating, and then burying their bodies in my orchid garden. Oh, well.” Prenderghast went on to note that he was determined to live his final day well and had already found a lightweight orderly who would help him do so.
Grizzled Beer Can Used As Ashtray Watches Another Headstrong 12-Pack Come And Go Through Patio #~# SPARTA, OH—Reflecting wryly on the latest batch of rookies to head its way, a grizzled beer can being used as an ashtray reportedly watched Monday as another cocky 12-pack came and went through the patio. “These new cans breeze in, fresh and clean from the grocery store shelf, thinking they’re hot shit, but I guarantee you by the end of the night, they’ll all be lying facedown in a recycling bin somewhere,” said the dented 12-ounce Pabst Blue Ribbon can, confirming that it had yet to encounter another can with the tenacity to hold the cigarette butts and rainwater that had allowed it to maintain its position for so long. “Witbiers, sours, IPAs—I’ve survived ’em all. They think they’re so damn special because they’re a microbrew or they have some extra-high A.B.V., but that’s not how things work in the real world. Most of these new cans will never even make it past the first round of flip cup. I tell you, the things I’ve seen happen to beer cans on this back porch would make you shudder.” At press time, the can had reportedly resigned itself to a long, lonely winter until a new group of beverage vessels arrived next spring.
Working In General Vicinity For 8 Hours A Day Misinterpreted As Friendship #~# NASHUA, NH—Saying he had wholly misread his office mate’s mild, occasional interest in talking to him, sources confirmed Monday that local software engineer Michael Donner had mistakenly concluded that sitting in close proximity to a coworker for eight hours each day constituted friendship. “Yeah, I guess you could say Dave [Reynolds] and I are pretty tight,” said the clearly confused Donner, appearing to believe that simply because they share an office and thus engage in brief and perfunctory exchanges from time to time, Reynolds must consider him some sort of deeply cherished companion with whom he has forged an intimate bond. “We’ll get to talking and have a lot of really great [banal discussions about the weather or lunch]. Dave and I even have our own little [two-word pleasantries voiced to avoid an awkward silence after accidentally making eye contact]. What can I say? He’s the best.” When reached for comment on the relationship, Dave Reynolds required multiple clarifications before figuring out which Michael at the office reporters were referring to.
GameStop Somehow Selling Used Version Of Game Day After It Comes Out #~# As gamers, we see a lot of strange things, but this one may take the cake. By some sort of strange voodoo, GameStop is selling a used version of Borderlands 3 just one day after it came out. 
Third Democratic Debate Features Narrowing 2020 Field #~# Americans tuned in Thursday night to watch a rapidly narrowing 2020 Democratic field make their case for the party’s nomination as Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren met on the debate stage for the first time in the race. What do you think?
Harvard Officials Say $8.9 Million Donation From Jeffrey Epstein Was From Brief Recovery Period When He Wasn’t A Pedophile #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Emphasizing that the late billionaire was only having sex with consenting adults at the time, Harvard officials said Friday that the nearly $9 million Jeffrey Epstein gave to the university was received during a brief recovery period when he did not engage in pedophilia. “I want to be clear: These donations were made only at times when Mr. Epstein was not actively involved in molesting, raping, or trafficking underage girls,” said Harvard President Lawrence Bacow, adding that the university had monitored the convicted felon’s sex life closely to ensure all checks were written and deposited during intervals in which Epstein completely abstained from intercourse with children. “While Jeffrey struggled, and eventually relapsed into pedophilia, I want to assure our community that Harvard went to great lengths not to accept his money while he abused minors. In addition, I can confirm that when Epstein was a visiting fellow in our Psychology Department back in 2005, he only had sex with women who had turned 18.” Bacow later clarified that the university’s anti-pedophile policy only applied to Epstein and would not have any effect on Harvard emeritus law professor Alan Dershowitz.
Highlights Of The Third Democratic Debate #~# The third round of the Democratic presidential primary debates pitted the top-10 polling candidates against each other in Houston. The Onion highlights the most important takeaways from the third Democratic debate.
Pros And Cons Of Binge-Watching #~# The practice of binge-watching TV shows has risen in popularity in recent years with the increase in streaming TV shows, but critics say it can have unintended consequences. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of binge-watching.
Green Giant Offering Program Where Gun Owners Can Trade In Firearms For Green Beans #~# PARSIPPANY, NJ—Claiming that the recent spate of mass shootings gave them no choice but to stand up and try to make a difference, vegetable purveyor Green Giant launched a new program Friday where gun owners can trade in their firearms in exchange for green beans. “These kinds of weapons have no place on the street or in our homes, which is why Green Giant is stepping up and offering 25 pounds of green beans for any semi-automatic weapon turned over to us,” said spokesperson Gina Sorpino, adding that a new ad campaign running in every major market promised gun owners who turned in multiple weapons could receive premium products like their Italian herb vegetable medley and fire-roasted sautéed zucchini. “We don’t want to force people to give up their guns, and we think our flavorful, healthy green beans are just the incentive people need. You can snack on them, put them in a casserole, even grill them. And unlike guns, the fatalities caused by green beans are almost non-existent. We hope gun owners will join Green Giant in building a safer world for our children.” At press time, Green Giant had discontinued the program after receiving over 5 million death threats.
Tips For Playing ‘Borderlands 3’ #~# Gearbox Software’s third game in this epically playable co-op multiplayer game is finally upon us! Prepare to jump into all the post-apocalyptic action with our tips for playing Borderlands 3.
Liberal Parents Struggling To Find School District With High-Quality Drag Queens #~# NORFOLK, VA—Saying it was never too early to begin instilling the values they believe in, liberal parents Christopher and Stacey Castaneda confirmed Friday that they were struggling to find a school district with high-quality drag queens. “We’re committed to finding a school system that has well-paid, skilled drag queens who can provide our son with the kind of education he needs to be successful,” said Christopher, adding that the child’s current school has a ratio of only one drag queen for every 32 students, leaving little time for one-on-one instruction. “We want Caleb to have access to a wide variety of styles—fish drag, camp queens, activessles—not just the same old busted Tina Turner impersonator he has now. Ideally, we’d have him in a drag queen–immersion program, but at the very least, we want a district where its a core part of the curriculum. Stage presence and wow factor are a must, and if the queen is bilingual, that’s even better.” At press time, the parents announced plans to enroll Caleb in private school after witnessing St. Edward’s Academy’s absolutely stunning autumn drag pageant.
Alex Trebek Back On ‘Jeopardy!’ #~# After seeking treatment for pancreatic cancer over the summer, Alex Trebek returned for season 36 of trivia game show Jeopardy! What do you think?
Moderator Jorge Ramos Asks Candidates How They Would Help Struggling Media Companies With $7.5 Billion Of Debt #~# HOUSTON—Saying it was time someone finally took a stand for struggling, Spanish-language networks, moderator Jorge Ramos paused the democratic debate Thursday to ask candidates how they would help media companies with $7.5 billion of debt. “No one—not one of you—has told the American people how you would save hardworking broadcast networks who sold themselves out to private equity firms, and also happen to be Hispanic and based in Miami,” said Ramos, who then looked each candidate in the eye and specified that their solutions need to keep in mind that the company in question has no long-term strategy and only ever knew how to make money from streaming soccer games and telenovelas. “Senator Sanders, would you say these companies would benefit from more needless layoffs? Or, Senator Warren, maybe they should just blindly start investing in companies they didn’t know what to do with again? Also, if you feel there is no solution, please be clear about it.” At press time, every single Democratic candidate had answered that the only solution was to shut the company down and finally put it out of its misery.
Marianne Williamson Materializes On Stage In Cloud Of Purple Smoke With Message That DNC Polling Requirements No Match For Power Of Positive Thinking #~# HOUSTON—Startling the 10 candidates who qualified to participate in the event, Marianne Williamson materialized on the debate stage in a puff of purple smoke Thursday, proclaiming the Democratic National Committee’s polling requirements were no match for the power of positive thinking. “The DNC thinks I need to get at least 2% in four qualifying polls, but they think so small,” said the author and presidential hopeful, who announced that by unlocking a deep and powerful mental space at the core of her being, she could participate in the debate at Texas Southern University despite having failed to meet the “narrow-minded” threshold set by party leaders. “By avoiding all negative thoughts and putting mind over matter, I have been able to transcend mere material concerns such as poll numbers. While I don’t have the necessary support of voters, I do have something far more valuable: a profound belief in the oneness of all living things.” At press time, sources confirmed a podium of pure light had sprung up before Williamson as she began to answer a question from George Stephanopoulos about how she would respond as president to an economy on the brink of recession.
Trump Approval Drops 6 Points #~# In the wake of a stumbling economy and several recent missteps, President Trump’s approval rating fell 6% to 38% in a recent ABC News-Washington Post poll. What do you think?
Desperate Boy Scouts Officials Announce New ‘You Can Mutilate As Many Dead Squirrels As You Want’ Membership Campaign #~# IRVING, TX—In response to multiple lawsuits and potential bankruptcy, desperate Boy Scouts officials unveiled a new You Can Mutilate As Many Dead Squirrels As You Want membership campaign this week. “Our mission here at the Boy Scouts of America is to prepare young people for the future by instilling in them a strong set of values, and now the opportunity to maim and dismember as many dead squirrels as they would like,” said recruitment coordinator Timothy Jones, adding that the organization would definitely look the other way if new scouts wanted to torture and mangle live squirrels. “You can cut open their stomachs with a pocket knife and fling the internal organs at a tree. We don’t really care. Set them on fire, pretend two of them are fighting, chop them into bloody chunks or impale their decapitated heads on a stick. We’re not in the business of passing judgment on how you choose to mutilate dead squirrels or some other woodland creature. Really, we’re just trying to grow our organization as much as possible. If that means awarding badges for members who cave in a raccoon’s skull on a nearby rock, so be it.” At press time, membership had doubled, increasing to nearly 5 million scouts. 
Inspiring: Thousands Of Gamers Have Pitched In To Rescue Consoles Abandoned In The Wake Of Hurricane Dorian #~# Prepare to have your heart warmed. In the wake of the devastation of Hurricane Dorian, thousands of gamers have pitched in to rescue abandoned consoles and find them homes where they can get the love and attention they need.
Matthew McConaughey Forced To Apply For Food Stamps After First Month As Adjunct Professor #~# AUSTIN, TX—Struggling to scrape by on his meager salary, actor Matthew McConaughey was reportedly forced to apply for food stamps Thursday after his first month working as an adjunct professor. “Man, things have been really tough lately, but fortunately I qualify for some nutrition assistance,” said the Academy Award-winning actor while filing the SNAP forms, explaining how he has been taking on some side gigs at the university’s writing center as well as participating in studies at the psychology department just to make rent. “I’m really passionate about the material, but it sucks having to go to the dentistry school to get a cavity filled because I don’t have insurance. Man, I hope I get approved soon, since I’m teaching a full course load and won’t have as much time to make a few extra bucks selling my blood plasma.” At press time, McConaughey was shoving some of the free bagels from a department event into his backpack to eat later.
LEGO Unveils Line Of Playsets Commemorating Children Who Choked To Death On One Of Their Blocks #~# BILLUND, DENMARK—In a touching tribute to their deceased young fans, toymaking giant LEGO unveiled a new line of playsets Thursday commemorating all the children who have choked to death on one of their interlocking construction blocks. “We are excited to finally introduce LEGO Dead Creator, a new series of playsets featuring purple-faced minifigures honoring the thousands of young builders who saw a colorful brick, loved it enough to put it in their mouth, and eventually asphyxiated,” said a press release of the collection, which features the debut of the new LEGO Children’s Ambulance, Pediatric Trauma Center, and Infant Cemetery kits, where more than 25 new Accidental Death Toddler figurines can suffocate, die, and be somberly mourned. “Now you can let your imagination run wild, creating an infinite number of commemorative storylines for gasping minifigs from 8-year-old Connor, who passed away last March after swallowing a Lego Stormtrooper head during recess, to little Grace, who gagged on a red 4-by-4 block in 1983 while the babysitter wasn’t looking. Classic!” At press time, the line’s launch had been delayed indefinitely due to concern over the risk of possible choking deaths.
‘Those Have To Be First-Time Parents,’ Onlooker Says Of Couple Trying To Screw Infant Into Light Bulb Socket #~# YARMOUTH, MA—Shaking their heads in dismay at the clueless couple’s child-rearing difficulties, onlookers speculated Thursday that a husband and wife trying to screw their infant son into a light bulb socket must be first-time parents. “Boy, I know there’s a learning curve for raising a kid, but it doesn’t make it any easier to see first-time parents struggling with the basics like this,” said onlooker Jeffrey Garrett, cringing as he watched the wide-eyed, panicking husband strain to push his newborn’s head into the open socket before waving away his wife’s suggestion that they just try plugging the girl into a wall outlet. “I don’t want to be the jerk that goes over there and tells them they’re doing it all wrong, but man, oh man, this is just such a classic mistake. I knew from the second I walked up and saw them swaddling that little guy in an electrical cord that they were way out of their depths.” At press time, onlookers were nodding in approval after the parents had learned from their mistakes and soothed the squirming infant by giving her a spark plug to suckle.
New Biblical Evidence Reveals Christ Suffered Extensive Brain Damage During Time Lying Dead In Tomb #~# JERUSALEM—Shedding new light upon the religious figure’s state after the Resurrection, archeologists from the University of Oxford discovered new evidence Thursday revealing that Christ suffered severe brain damage during his time lying dead in the tomb. “Although Christ was able to rise after his period in the tomb, our findings suggest that he had lost a significant number of brain cells as a consequence of lying deceased for 72 hours straight,” said Dr. Tara O’Rourke, noting that oxygen deprivation from his death led to motor failure that required him to be carried by disciples, as well as memory loss that resulted in Jesus repeatedly mistaking Mary Magdalene and Luke for his mother and father. “Obviously, the 11 remaining disciples were overjoyed when they first saw their Messiah had risen. But that quickly gave way to concern when they heard him badly slurring his command to baptize all nations in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. There’s also evidence suggesting that the motor loss required him to be carried to the Sea of Galilee and mash up most of his meals to aid with his difficulties swallowing. Given the scale of his disability, it was clearly a relief for his caretakers when he ascended to Heaven after only 40 days.” O’Rourke added, however, that considering the extent of Christ’s neurological damage, it was really a miracle he even arose at all.
Study Suggests It Could Be Possible To Reverse Biological Age #~# Cautioning that the findings needed to be reproduced in a larger sample size, scientists giving healthy volunteers a cocktail of growth hormones and diabetes medications found they lost an average of 2.5 years from their biological age after one year. What do you think?
John Bolton Out As National Security Advisor #~# President Trump fired John Bolton from his position as national security advisor, noting that the warhawk often conflicted with him on foreign policy matters. What do you think?
New Pop-Up National Park Offers 500 Square Feet Of Pristine Wilderness For Next 2 Days #~# ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—With its organizers hailing the temporary site as the city’s hottest destination this week, a new pop-up national park offers 500 square feet of pristine wilderness for the next two days, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Starting bright and early this morning and continuing through dusk tomorrow, the best Instagram opportunity in the city will be the Pavati National Park, with its .000017935 square miles of scenic vistas, 15-foot-long hiking trails, and over 10 species of flora and fauna,” said pop-up organizer Kellen D’Agostino, showing off the national park’s choice location just minutes from the Atlantic City boardwalk, adding that he was planning to tour the site through select cities so urban dwellers across the country could take in the beauty of America’s natural world. “For a limited time and just a $50 entrance fee, visitors can breathe in the fresh air while walking between the pop-up park’s dozen mountain hemlocks, or relax next to the gorgeous three-foot waterfall in its northwest corner. There’s a little salmon run, too, as well as sage grouses, bald eagles, a moose, and a variety of other amazing animals you’ll be able to photograph from a safe distance. Of course, communing with nature doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice comfort and fun—our pop-up park includes an artisanal small bites station, three minibars, coat check, and even a cozy cabin one lucky couple can book for the night—just don’t feed hors d’oeuvres to the animals! Arrive early, because we’re capping the national park at 30 people at a time. You do not want to miss the exclusive national park event of the fall!” At press time, the pop-up national park had been ordered to close after a bear escaped and mauled several pedestrians in the middle of N. Albany Avenue.
Nation Solemnly Recalls Horrors Of 9/11 15th-Anniversary Coverage #~# NEW YORK—Taking a moment Wednesday to reflect on the historic tragedy, millions of Americans across the country solemnly recalled the terror and devastation visited upon their country by the 9/11 15th-anniversary media coverage. “It was so traumatizing to turn on the television that day and witness the horrific kinds of things people will do to their fellow human beings just to get higher ratings,” Queens resident Kate Hanzel said of Sept. 11, 2016, when CNN, Fox, MSNBC, and other networks rebroadcast hours of footage from the 2001 attacks on the Twin Towers and the Pentagon. “As the full gravity of these programming decisions began to dawn on me, I slowly realized this was no accident, but a coordinated effort that had been very carefully and deliberately planned. News websites kept posting slideshow after slideshow on that dark day, trying to rack up as many pageviews as they could. It was truly unbearable to watch.” Hanzel went on to lament that fact that after three years, the network executives responsible for the TV coverage that day had still not been hunted down and brought to justice.
Rowdy Grandma Double-Fisting Grandchildren #~# VALDOSTA, GA—Urging the feisty senior to pace herself, concerned Jackson family sources confirmed Wednesday that rowdy grandmother Arlene Jackson was seen careening around her son-in-law’s birthday party double-fisting grandchildren. “Nana’s got her arms so full of grandbabies that she’s practically falling over—she needs to slow down,” said Jackson’s daughter Olivia, echoing the sentiments of other adult party guests as they witnessed the manic 77-year-old cover her infant grandson with kisses before moving on to pinch the cheeks of four other grandchildren. “She already had both of my nieces on her lap when she snatched baby Charlie out of my hands. We told her to take it easy, but she stamped over and loud-whispered that she knows her limits. I mean, other people want to see the kids, too, but Arlene is just not handing them over.” Jackson was later seen slumped over in a recliner with several toddlers strewn about her feet, evidently passed out after several hours of binge-kissing.
Apple Reveals New iPhones At Yearly September Event #~# Apple revealed three new phones in its lineup at Tuesday’s press conference that add an improved camera and battery life, alongside an upgraded iPad and Apple Watch. What do you think?
Student Studying To Become Hair Stylist Nervous For Part Where You Practice On Cadavers #~# MILTON, MA—Wincing at the smell of formaldehyde as she entered the beauty school morgue, cosmetology student Linda Emerson admitted Wednesday that she was nervous for the part of her studies where she’d have to cut hair on cadavers. “I know it’s important to practice before you give a haircut to a living, breathing person, but doing a bob-chop on an 80-year-old dead lady just really freaks me out,” said Emerson, who, after shampooing her cadaver’s hair in the sink with the help of other students, was chastised by an instructor for ripping off a part of the scalp during what should have been a routine blow-drying exercise. “I really want to be respectful of the dead because they donated their bodies so I could learn to cut pixies, bouffants, and buzz cuts. I can’t even tell you how scared I am to start practicing the waxing unit, though—cadaver Brazilians are going to kill me.” At press time, sources said that Emerson was frantically trying to piece her mangled cadaver back together after accidentally chopping the entire head off while attempting to clean up the neckline.
House Democrats Vow To Hold President Accountable With Agriculture Bill Where First Letter Of Every Line Spells Out ‘Impeach Trump’ #~# WASHINGTON—Seeking to mollify a segment of their base clamoring for inquiries into the president’s misconduct, House Democrats announced Tuesday that they would be holding the administration accountable by voting on an agricultural bill in which the first letter of every line spells out “Impeach Trump.” “We believe this is a fair compromise that falls short of the full impeachment inquiry some have asked for, but still shows voters who have the correct decoder that Democrats aren’t taking this president’s crimes lying down,” said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, telling reporters that the bill had been brought to the floor despite objections from Democrats in battleground districts who generally favored a more complex alphabetic cipher that would eventually spell out “Impeach Trump if polling improves,” or, “Impeach Trump at the ballot box.” “When our children look back on this period of history, they will know that the Democratic party served as a check on this corrupt administration by putting forward a bold and straightforward word puzzle proclaiming that this is not who we are as Americans.” At press time, an elated Hoyer confirmed that the House had secured the bill’s passage after tacking on an additional $2.5 million in funding for the president’s border wall.
Facebook Rolls Out Dating Service In U.S. #~# Touting safety features such as sharing your location with friends, Facebook Dating rolled out its service in the U.S., bringing a Hinge or Tinder-like interface to the social media giant. What do you think?
Ex-CIA Agent Valerie Plame Releases Campaign Video Depicting Her Torturing Voters #~# SANTA FE, NM—Announcing her intent to run as a Democrat for New Mexico’s 3rd Congressional District, former CIA agent and author Valerie Plame released a campaign video Monday in which she is shown using the skills she learned as a spy to torture voters. “Hi, my name is Valerie Plame, and I want to put my specialized CIA training to work for the American people,” said Plame in the video, which shows her smiling with a diverse group of potential voters before zip-tying their wrists, covering their heads with bags, and locking them in the trunk of a black Chevy Camaro. “Whether I’m fighting to secure infrastructure funding, working to improve healthcare, or rounding up our most suspicious residents and simulating their drowning, I will stop at nothing to protect New Mexico families. I’ve got a few scores to settle, and that’s why I’m asking for your vote.” As the video closes, Plame was seen in a local diner beating a 70-year-old man to within an inch of his life after having deprived him of sleep and water for days.
Features Of The iPhone 11 #~# Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iPhone 11 at a press conference on Tuesday. The Onion runs down the most significant features and specs of the new iPhone.
Stephen A. Smith Retreats To Tranquil, Secluded Fig Tree To Contemplate On Meaning Of NFL Week One #~# NEW YORK—Sitting silently cross-legged as the light breeze and rhythmic breathing focused his mind, ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith retreated to a tranquil, secluded fig tree on Tuesday to contemplate the meaning of the NFL’s first week. “The great mysteries of Baker Mayfield’s performance still elude me, I must focus my mind and calm my soul if I am to truly understand,” said Smith, who claimed that the answer to whether the Seahawks were real contenders was already inside of him and just needed patience to be unlocked. “Only through quiet meditation will these truths be revealed to me, and my week two picks will only result from the kind of clarity that comes from deep solitude. The NFL is filled with chaos and suffering, but the unburdened soul will parse out how it is all connected.” At press time, after hours of meditation, Smith’s third eye had opened and delivered to him the perfect rebuttal that would finally shut up that squirrely prick Max Kellerman.
Longtime Sleepytime Tea Addict Has To Use 6 Bags Just To Feel Drowsy #~# LEXINGTON, KY—Admitting that she may have a dependency issue with the soothing Celestial Seasonings herbal infusion, longtime Sleepytime Tea addict Katie Ball divulged Tuesday that she must consume six bags of the sedative brew in order to merely feel drowsy. “I started using Sleepytime to treat insomnia, which worked great for a while, but before I realized what was happening, I needed more and more of that chamomile-and-valerian-root magic to get me to the level of relaxation I craved,” said Ball, whose hands shook while placing half-dozen bags of the caffeine-free herbal sleep aid into her preferred mug and paced the room while waiting for the kettle to boil. “I can barely even close my eyes if I’m not riding a hit of spearmint and lemongrass. I’m spending hundreds of bucks a month. If I don’t get my Sleepytime, I become agitated and hyper-alert. I’ve even snorted raw chamomile leaves a couple times even though I know what that could do to me.” Ball, who has often told those close to her that she intended to stop her Sleepytime use cold turkey, was discovered unconscious by her husband late Tuesday night, her hand still clutching a 120-tablet bottle of melatonin pills.
Poll: Americans Overwhelmingly Support Gun Safety Laws #~# A new Washington Post-ABC News poll found 89% of Americans support requiring background checks for all Americans, in addition to finding that a significant majority support red flag laws and other gun safety measures. What do you think?
Indianapolis Motor Speedway Forced To Lower Speed Limit To 20 MPH After Elementary School Opens Next To Straightaway #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Capping off weeks of protest from local parents and students alike, the Indianapolis Motor Speedway was forced to lower its speed limit to 20 mph Tuesday after an elementary school opened next to the straightaway. “If any IndyCar motorists are found speeding near Lincoln Elementary between the hours of 7 a.m. and 4 p.m., or otherwise while children are present, they will be fined and prosecuted to the highest extent of the law,” said Indy 500 spokesperson Tarah Kissel, adding the school, which was built on the Indianapolis Motor Speedway’s spectator mound, caters to hundreds of 6- to 10-year-olds who must cross the racetrack Monday through Friday to get to class, regardless of the race schedule. “We understand that parents are concerned, especially given the history of reckless 200-mph driving that occurs near the school crosswalks. That is why, if any driver is caught disobeying a crossing guard or passing a school bus in the drop-off lane, fines will be doubled.” At press time, IndyCar drivers were reportedly up in arms after a rogue basketball rolled onto the speedway during the school’s recess and caused a fiery 12-car crash.
Real Life ‘DOOM’: This Office Requires A Keycard To Get In #~# Calling all DOOM fans! Drop whatever you’re doing and get ready for a serious nostalgia trip for this unforgettable retro shooter: This office requires a keycard to get inside! 
Liberty University Board Concerned Falwell’s Corruption Risks Undercutting College’s Mission Of Subjugating Women And Gay People #~# LYNCHBURG, VA—Expressing fears that the recent scandal could harm the institution’s reputation, members of the Liberty University board told reporters Monday they were concerned investigations into Jerry Falwell Jr.’s corruption risked undermining the college’s core mission of subjugating women and gay people. “When students pay tuition to Liberty University, we want them to be confident that their money is going towards fighting female bodily autonomy and torturing gay children, but these rampant ethical concerns make it hard for them to trust us,” said trustee Vance Weir, acknowledging that stories about the university’s president using college funds to enrich his inner circle could distract from the school’s long-held commitment to propagating the belief that homosexuals should not exist and females are merely sexual objects. “I’m deeply worried about how far we’ve strayed from the school’s original purpose. Jerry Falwell Sr. founded this university in 1971 to help straight, white Christian men continue their dominion over other groups by any means necessary, not to line his own pockets.” Weir added that despite Falwell Jr.’s inappropriate actions, he knew that in his heart, the university’s president was deeply committed to the important work of dehumanizing others.
Jerry Falwell Jr. Tells Story Of Jesus Getting Revenge On Apostle Who Ratted Out His Corruption Schemes #~# LYNCHBURG, VA—In an effort to quell backlash following allegations of ongoing malfeasance, Liberty University president Jerry Falwell Jr. recounted Monday the story of Jesus Christ getting revenge on the apostle who ratted out his corruption schemes. “As people of faith, we all must remember the valuable lesson in the Gospel of Matthew where the apostle Philip thought he could stab Jesus in the back, but ended up paying dearly for double-crossing the Son of God,” said Falwell, adding that it was chapter four, verses 21 through 23, when Christ proclaimed that he would stop at nothing to get retribution on the rat fuck who broke ranks. “Every one of Christ’s true believers knew that the Lord works in mysterious ways and that it was incumbent upon them to give Him the benefit of the doubt and trust that He had everyone’s spiritual and financial interests in mind. Everyone knew this except for Philip, who thought he could sell Jesus down the river. But Christ found out, for he is all-seeing, all-knowing, and has ears everywhere.” At press time, Falwell ended his sermon by reminding his audience about the importance of keeping God’s 11th commandment, “Thou shalt not squeal.”
Trump Calls Off Talks With Taliban #~# Following a suicide attack that killed an American soldier and 11 others in the capital of Kabul, President Trump called off secret Camp David peace talks slated to be held with Taliban’s leaders. What do you think?
Trump Under Fire For Forcing Astronauts To Stay In Irish Trump Hotel While On Specialized Space Mission #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to critics who have again accused President Trump of enriching himself from government business, White House officials defended Monday their boss’s decision to make astronauts spend their nights at his golf club in Doonbeg, Ireland, while they conduct a mission in space. “To be clear, Trump International Golf Links and Hotel Ireland is located only 240 miles below the International Space Station, where the members of this crew will be working for the next six months,” press secretary Stephanie Grisham said of the arrangement, which, depending on the station’s position in its orbit, will reportedly require astronauts to spend 16 to 22 hours of each day traveling through space. “These brave heroes deserve to stay in a comfortable, amenity-filled hotel instead of the cramped quarters of the ISS. Besides, some of the crew members are of Irish descent and thus have ancestral connections to the area.” According to NASA sources, the astronauts were forced to take the stairs to their ninth-floor suite because of numerous out-of-service elevators and appeared to be the only guests at the resort.
MIT Media Lab Agrees To Return All Of Jeffrey Epstein’s Donated Girls #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shortly after it became widespread public knowledge that the research institution had accepted contributions from the late convicted sex offender, the MIT Media Lab announced Monday that it had agreed to return all of Jeffrey Epstein’s donated girls. “As soon as we learned that several high-level Lab officials had accepted underage girls on Mr. Epstein’s behalf and then worked to conceal his identity as their contributor, we immediately returned them all,” said MIT president L. Rafael Reif in a statement, adding that he was launching a full investigation into why longtime Media Lab director Joi Ito continued to accept donations of 14- and 15-year-old girls from Epstein well after his 2008 conviction for sex trafficking of minors. “These girls were obviously donated anonymously, but as soon as we learned that they were from Mr. Epstein, we decided to take immediate action to divest ourselves from them. We realize it reflects poorly on us, but we must note that we are a large organization that takes in many pubescent girls, and are simply unable to check the source of every donation. Of course, many of the girls have been used in MIT Media Lab projects over the years, and some of them don’t speak English well, so it may take time to ensure that every last one of them has been returned. We apologize for accepting Mr. Epstein’s teenagers, and vow to ensure that we vet our girl donors more carefully in the future.” At press time, MIT announced plans to atone for the mistake by agreeing to make a sizable donation of girls to the Clinton Foundation.
Historians Reveal Multiple Cradles Of Civilization Each Independently Developed Chicken Tender Basket #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Providing insights into the emerging agricultural and nutritional practices of early human society, historians at Harvard University presented evidence Wednesday revealing that multiple centers of civilization developed chicken tender baskets independently of one another. “Although we once believed these breaded cutlets had a single location of origin, archaeological data collected from as far back as 4,000 B.C.E. at sites from Mesopotamia to the Valley of the Indus River indicates that humans everywhere determined that the best way to harness their potential for growth as a society was to deep-fry strips of poultry,” said lead researcher Dr. David Epstein, adding that the discovery of ceramic shards from Bronze Age chicken baskets throughout the Fertile Crescent suggests that desire for the staple food was likely the driving force behind advancements in irrigation systems along the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. “Pieces of pottery of similar age but from much smaller containers have been unearthed in China, indicating their tenders were dipped in soy sauce, perhaps even honey mustard, but there was simply no way that contact was made between these people to trade these sauces. The conclusion is clear: As humans began organizing society, they all somehow, in isolation, settled on the importance of six pieces of crispy chicken tenders, paired with fries or chips, placed on red-and-white checkered paper, and served in a shallow, ovalized basketlike container.” The study also notes the discovery of hieroglyphs depicting chicken containers of various sizes and depths strongly implies that all early human civilizations eventually experimented with the option to upgrade to a 12-piece “bucket.”
Here’s Everything We Know So Far About ‘Super Mario 64’ #~# If you’ve got questions about Nintendo’s flagship Mario game for the N64, you’ve come to the right place, because we’re breaking down everything we know so far about Super Mario 64.
Recipe Passed Down From Grandma Gussied Up To Be Less Poor #~# PHILADELPHIA—Noting that her beloved nana had grown up in the 1930s and that things had changed since then, local woman Patrice Weppler spent Monday taking her grandma’s famous beef stroganoff recipe and gussying it up to be less poor. “There’s nothing I love more than nana’s cooking, but also, I’m not sure she’d mind if I used olive oil instead of Crisco shortening and short ribs instead of whatever ‘beef scraps’ are,” said Weppler, adding that because she wasn’t a 19-year-old seamstress feeding a family on two dollars a week in a kitchen without a refrigerator, she might also throw in a few fresh herbs and then create a red wine reduction for flare. “I know nana always said that boiled potatoes were the secret ingredient, but I think I’ll just serve it over fresh egg noodles from the gourmet Italian grocery. Now, I just have to divide the recipe so it doesn’t feed fifteen.” After reviewing all the changes she made, Weppler told reporters that she finally gave in and decided to just print out a copy of Bon Appétit’s “Best Authentic Russian Beef Stroganoff Recipe.”
Apologetic Conversion Therapy Founder Offers To Electrocute Past Patients Back Into Being Gay #~# SPARTANBURG, SC—Following an announcement earlier this week in which he acknowledged his own homosexuality, former conversion therapy practitioner McKrae Game apologized Friday for the harm his work has caused and offered to electrocute his past patients into being gay again. “Anyone who received electroshock therapy at my practice is welcome to come back free of charge so I can reverse the polarity settings and jolt you right back to gay,” said Game, noting that he also has plenty of vomit-inducing drugs at his disposal and is willing to administer any aversion therapy necessary to undo the decades of brainwashing conducted by Hope for Wholeness, the faith-based group he once led. “I am ashamed of my role in bringing such pain and suffering to so many people and promise to send as many volts of electricity through my former clients as necessary to make things right. My techniques have a very high success rate and are guaranteed to at least make you bi.” Game added that he has now ventured into conversion therapy for people born straight, whom he forces to watch heterosexual erotica while enduring painful shock treatments so they will all eventually turn gay.
Financial Advisor Urges Ezekiel Elliott To Set Aside 20% Of Salary For Paying Off Women To Keep Quiet #~# DALLAS—Referring to the practice as a sound investment that too few players make, Ezekiel Elliott’s financial advisor urged the running back Friday to set aside 20% of his annual salary for paying off women to keep quiet. “We’re thrilled about Zeke’s contract extension, but that money isn’t going to last forever. He needs to be responsible and prepare for the inevitable expenses of trying to silence his accusers,” said wealth advisor Chez Heller, cautioning the Cowboys star that while his playing career might last another decade, he’ll almost certainly be paying to sweep things under the rug for the rest of his life. “We advise all the athletes we work with to set aside 20% for retirement and 20% for any accusers coming out of the woodwork. Elliott is in the prime of his career right now, but he still has to prepare for the eventuality that someone will come forward and reveal what he did to them to the press. Fans see the $50 million payday and think it should last forever without considering all the millions it takes to keep some people from pressing charges.” Heller also advised Elliott to set aside several million in a separate bank account to cover for all the money he would lose to embezzlement.
Piece Of Dog Shit Pretty Picked Over By Time Fly Got There #~# ALBANY, NY—Observing that the choicest bits were long gone, a local fly confirmed Friday that by the time it discovered the piece of dog shit near a tree in Ridgefield Park, the defecation had been pretty well picked over. “Dang, you can tell this was some real primo shit, probably from a pit bull or something,” said the fly, lamenting that there wasn’t much to choose from beyond a few dry, undigested crumbs and some hair. “It’s been sitting in the sun for a while, which is great, but someone already got to all the good chunks. I wish I’d gotten here five or 10 minutes ago, because I’m not even sure I can piece together a full meal from what’s left.” At press time, onlookers reported that the fly’s day appeared to have improved dramatically after it discovered a fresh pile of human shit the next alley over.
Nation’s Bison Hold Lavish Fundraiser In Effort To Get 2020 Candidates To Support Environment #~# BUTTE, MT—In a glitzy venue filled with the biggest names in the wildlife community, the nation’s bison hosted an opulent gala fundraiser Friday in an effort to convince the 2020 Democratic candidates to support the environment. “This is a great opportunity for us to get a lot of face time with the presidential candidates about addressing our needs in their platforms,” said Heidi Grumblebelt, a 2000-pound spokesbison for the “Center For Herd Progress” super PAC, looking radiant in an Alexander McQueen gown as she showed off the grass dishes at each $1000-a-trough table setting. “This year we’ve partnered with sister organizations in the tree and eagle communities, many of whom donated prizes for our silent auction. We know that money talks, so hosting this event for major Democratic candidates is the best shot that American bison have of seeing their agenda in action.” At press time, a whistleblower revealed that nearly all of the money raised had been embezzled to buy extravagant new grazing fields for the gala organizers. 
Nation’s 30-Year-Olds Pool Money To Buy 2-Bedroom Bungalow Together #~# DES PLAINES, IL—Admitting they would never be able to afford a place without sharing expenses, the nation’s 30-year-olds announced Friday that they had pooled all their resources to buy a 1,100-square-foot, two-bedroom bungalow together. “It may not seem like much for a few million people, but we can finish the basement and maybe add another bedroom, plus it’s nicer than all our old places,” said Zach Bartley, 30, who noted that the house had some plumbing issues and a really outdated kitchen, but that it still felt nice to finally own a piece of property. “There is a pretty big closet that we might turn into an office, which is cool, and we have 700,000 dogs, so getting a place with a backyard for once is pretty nice. We might need to buy a few futons for the living room though, because our 1.7 million younger brothers need to move in for a few months.” Bartley added that even though the place was small, it shouldn’t be a problem in the long run, because none of them could afford having kids.
Africa Set To Be Declared Polio-Free #~# Nigeria, the last country in Africa to report cases of the wild poliovirus, will mark three years since it witnessed its most recent outbreak of polio, suggesting that the continent will be declared polio-free if no additional cases are found before the end of the year. What do you think?
Tech Genius In 2120 Devises Revolutionary Concept Of Utilizing Sharp Stick To Harvest Termites #~# WHAT REMAINS OF PHILADELPHIA—Turning the existing paradigm for gathering protein completely on its head, the greatest living tech genius of 2120 devised a revolutionary concept of utilizing a sharp stick to harvest termites roughly a century from Friday. “The one known to us as ‘Ka’ has disrupted the entire hunter-gatherer industry by stripping a tree branch of its bark, dipping it into a termite’s nest, and then feasting on the termites who cling to it,” said Turgunu, one of the many tribesmen praising the most stunning innovation of the age, proclaiming that it may save The People much daylight they now spend by smashing nuts between rocks and sacrificing throngs of deformed children to the Harvest God. “This is the greatest technological breakthrough of the 22nd century so far, on par with Sukkalgir discovering that water comes when one digs far down. Who knows what’s next? Perhaps The People will soon use sticks from trees to make a sort of wood cave to live in.” Shortly following the announcement, Ka had his skull bashed in by an angry tribesman from beyond the hills who claimed that Ka stole his idea.
Pros And Cons Of Bilingual Education #~# With more than one-fifth of American students speaking a language other than English at home, a number that continues to rise, there’s a growing case for bilingual education as a foundational component of the U.S. system; critics, however, maintain that it’s unnecessary. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of bilingual education.
OGN Is Retracting Its 9.3/10 For ‘Gears 5’ After Realizing We Haven’t Gotten A Single Dollar From Microsoft #~# Well, gamers, what can we say; sometimes you just mess up. Yesterday, we published an article that betrayed all of our journalistic standards, a review that went against the very ideals that make OGN great. But after discovering the mistake, we are committed to making things right. That is why, after finding out we haven’t gotten so much as a dime out of Microsoft, we are officially retracting the glowing 9.3 score we gave to Gears 5.
CDC Investigating As Third Teen Ends Up Dead After Wandering Into Mysterious Cloud Of Vape Mist #~# ATLANTA—In an effort to glean more information on the continuing epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly launched an investigation Friday as a third teen showed up dead after wandering into the mysterious cloud of vape mist that’s been spreading across the country. “It’s too early to definitively link these deaths to the impenetrable shroud of e-cigarette vapor engulfing the nation, but the fact that multiple teens have been swallowed by the mist only to be discovered days later with their skin flayed and eyes oozing blood is a concerning sign,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, urging Americans who were considering entering the opaque, tutti-frutti-scented fog to do so with extreme caution until more evidence could be collected. “We have yet to determine whether it’s some quality of the mist itself that’s causing these deaths, or if there’s an unspeakable horror lurking within. I should also stress that numerous teenagers who have entered the mist have displayed no physical symptoms, though their time in the vape cloud does usually leave them mumbling incoherently or attempting to grab a police officer’s pistol and shoot themselves in the head to silence the demons.” At press time, Redfield noted that the investigation remained inconclusive after sending wave upon wave of researchers into the mist only for them to disappear forever. 
Joe Pesci So Sick Of Fans Asking To Blowtorch Scalp For Photo Op #~# LAVALLETTE, NJ—Expressing frustration at being subject to an endless barrage of requests, Academy Award-winning actor Joe Pesci told reporters Thursday that he was “completely sick” of fans asking to take a photo with him while blowtorching his scalp. “It’s gotten so bad that I can’t even go out to eat with my family without being interrupted by another crazed Home Alone fanatic,” said Pesci, noting that he is typically more than happy to pose with fans as long as they wait until he’s done eating. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered to have acted in a scene that resonates with so many people from all backgrounds and generations, but Christ, some days I think if I see another blowtorch, my head’s gonna explode. There is a limit to how many skin grafts a guy should have to suffer for his fans.” Pesci added that he wished more people would ask for pictures in which they bludgeoned him with a baseball bat before burying him alive into a shallow cornfield grave.
WHO Finds No Evidence Of Health Concerns From Microplastics In Water #~# The World Health Organization says there’s not enough evidence to suggest a human health risk from microplastics associated with biofilms in drinking water, suggesting concerns about the tiny particles may be premature, although additional research is needed. What do you think?
Marianne Williamson Deletes Tweets About Using Mind To Control Weather After Realizing Nation Unprepared To Wield Such Great Power #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—After reviewing responses to her post, Democratic presidential candidate Marianne Williamson deleted a tweet Wednesday that suggested people use their minds to turn Hurricane Dorian away from land, and later told reporters the nation was not yet ready to harness such awesome powers. “I wholeheartedly apologize for implying that untrained minds should use mental energy blasts to deter any object, hurricane or otherwise,” said the self-help guru, noting that she had miscalculated the willingness and ability of average citizens to access the part of their brain that allows for weather manipulation, levitation of objects, and telekinesis. “If used with malicious intent, this type of power could, for example, cause the Earth’s rotation to reverse, taking us back in time and potentially ripping apart the space-time continuum. All life on the planet could be wiped out if someone tried to harness a psionic beam while holding a crystal. It is now clear to me that Americans will not be prepared to assume such responsibility for quite some time, perhaps not until my second term.” Sources confirmed Williamson’s tweet was replaced by an ad for her latest seminar, “Your Mind, the Weather, and You,” and an offer to use the code “LOVE” at checkout for a discounted ticket price of $199.
Kim Kardashian Tries To Escape L.A. In Rowboat After Realizing Past 12 Years Of Life Have Been TV Show #~# LOS ANGELES—As a team of producers stood on the shore and begged her to reconsider, Kim Kardashian West reportedly rowed a boat out into the Pacific Ocean on Thursday in an attempt to escape Los Angeles, having discovered the past dozen years of her life have all been part of a television show. 
Struggling Forever 21 Reminds Teens That Parents Won’t Notice $20 Missing From Wallet Every Now And Then #~# LOS ANGELES—Revamping its business model as it reportedly prepares to file for bankruptcy, retail fashion chain Forever 21 debuted a brand-new, multi-city ad campaign Thursday to remind teenage consumers that parents don’t notice if, every once in a while, a $20 bill goes missing from their wallet. “We’re refocusing on the 13-to-18-year-old demographic and letting them know that if you just help yourself to a few dollars here and there, no one will be the wiser and you’ll soon save up enough for our new line of tops, leggings, and jumpsuits,” said Forever 21 marketing supervisor Brandon Sturt, adding that your mom probably doesn’t even know how much cash is in her purse and, if you think about it, she’s been kind of a bitch lately. “One of our new billboards features a model holding a finger to her lips conveying to teens their secret is safe with us. In the unlikely event they do get caught by their mom or dad, we are urging our young patrons to simply tell their parents that if they’re that hard up for cash, they shouldn’t have had kids in the first place.” Forever 21 executives expressed hope that this latest marketing effort will prove more successful than last year’s “We Don’t Care If You Shoplift, Take Whatever” campaign.
Biden Campaign Concerned After Candidate Gives Unsolicited Back Rub To Coat Rack #~# DES MOINES, IA—As concerns mount over the viability of the gaffe-prone candidate, sources confirmed Wednesday that the campaign of former Vice President Joe Biden is increasingly worried following an incident in which the Democratic front-runner reportedly gave an unsolicited back rub to a coat rack. “He gave the rack a little squeeze, whispered that it felt awfully stiff, and started pressing his thumbs into it,” said deputy campaign manager Kate Bedingfield in a meeting with top staffers, lamenting that a member of the press had taken a photo of Biden massaging the standalone coat rack. “Thank God no one was close enough to hear him compliment the coat rack on its tall, thin frame and beautiful chocolate brown skin, or joke about how he sure wouldn’t mind being 30 years younger. We’ll have to put out a statement saying he was just admiring the craftsmanship, like we did in New Hampshire after he nuzzled up against that stage curtain.” At press time, the nation’s top political pundits continued to report that Biden remained the only candidate with a chance of beating President Trump in 2020.
U.S. Deficit Will Reach $1 Trillion Next Year #~# Even as the White House has discussed payroll tax cuts to stimulate the economy, the Congressional Budget Office found the U.S. deficit will reach $1 trillion next year due to Trump administration policies that largely favor the rich. What do you think?
New Even Bleaker ‘Joker’ Reboot Features Elderly Comic Book Villain Struggling To Care For Wife After Stroke #~# HOLLYWOOD—Revealing that the upcoming reboot would provide a chance to explore the darkest aspects of the iconic character, producers announced Wednesday that filming had begun on an even bleaker Joker movie featuring the comic book villain as an elderly man struggling to care for his wife after she has a stroke. “We’re excited to give audiences the chance to see The Joker as they’ve never seen him before—washing, feeding, and caring for his longtime life partner after she suffers a massive brain hemorrhage in the film’s first act,” DC Films president Walter Hamada told reporters, noting that the studio believed longtime fans and newcomers alike would be captivated by the gritty realism of The Clown Prince Of Crime silently weeping in his small, squalid Gotham City apartment when he realizes his dwindling social security check won’t be enough to cover his wife’s medical bills. “We couldn’t have asked for a better Joker than Bruce Dern, who is bringing depth and pathos to the supervillain never before captured on film. Fans may never look at The Joker the same way again after they see his arthritic hands straining to dab blood away from his wife’s forehead after she slips in the bathtub. We’ve seen The Joker embrace chaos in numerous films, but they’ve never seen him forced to confront the chaos of his own life with a loved one who no longer recognizes his makeup-covered face.” Hamada added that the reboot would be followed by a new Batman film that finds the caped crusader serving time in Blackgate Penitentiary for helping working-class Gotham women get illegal abortions.
Meghan McCain Defends Right To Own Dozens Of Guns She’s Hidden In Strategic Parts Of ‘The View’ Set #~# NEW YORK—Responding to criticisms of her recent condemnation of gun control, Meghan McCain took time during Wednesday’s episode of The View to passionately defend her right to own the dozens of firearms she has concealed in strategic locations throughout the show’s set. “It’s my constitutional right to protect myself with the numerous guns I keep within arm’s reach at all times during the broadcast of this show,” said McCain, telling her View co-hosts they simply couldn’t understand the perspective of everyday Americans who need a gun taped under every table, chair, and craft services tray around them just to feel safe. “Every citizen should be allowed to quickly access a sidearm and discharge as many rounds as necessary to neutralize a threat that, God forbid, might one day emerge from our audience, crew, or co-hosts. Whether we’re doing the ‘Hot Topics’ segment or an interview with Emma Stone, I deserve the comfort of knowing I’m a button-press away from having a Sig Sauer M400 drop from a secret compartment and into my hands so I can defend my liberty. That’s what the Second Amendment is all about.” McCain also warned that “there’s going to be a lot of violence” if people continue to talk about taking away her job.
WHO: Measles Has Made Comeback In 4 European Nations #~# According to the World Health Organization, declining vaccination rates have allowed measles to return to Albania, the Czech Republic, Greece, and the UK, four European nations that previously eradicated the illness. What do you think?
Inclusive New Texas Bill Prevents Gun Sellers From Discriminating On Basis Of Background Check #~# AUSTIN, TX—Proclaiming that it was time to make sure all residents received equal protection under the law, Texas governor Greg Abbott reportedly signed off on an inclusive new bill Wednesday that prevents gun sellers from discriminating on the basis of background checks. “As a society, we’ve become more tolerant, and this new law will make sure that no matter their personal beliefs, those who sell guns can’t refuse a firearm purchase simply because the buyer has a history of violence or other red flags,” said Abbott, explaining that he was distressed to learn that some Texas residents had been denied firearm purchases because they had several domestic abuse convictions on their record. “We will not discriminate against people with mental health issues, dearly held beliefs of wanting to knock people around, or a place on an FBI watchlist due to making threatening statements online—that’s simply not what Texas stands for. It’s time we accepted that society is changing, and no one selling guns, whether it’s a licensed gun dealer or someone at a trade show, should decide whether another person should be able to buy a gun. Some people are just naturally filled with a murderous rage, it’s as simple as that, and it should be unlawful to treat them as second-class citizens. Because if we discriminate based on a background check, who’s next? Where will that lead? Tyranny, that’s where.” Abbott clarified that the bill did make exceptions for gun sellers to discriminate on the basis of religion and race.
Gregg Popovich Invites Tim Duncan To Address Team USA On Dangers Of Hypernationalism #~# SHANGHAI, CHINA—In an effort to prevent players from falling into a tribalistic mindset, head coach Gregg Popovich invited Tim Duncan Wednesday to address Team USA on the dangers of hypernationalism. “We’ve been hitting the fundamentals of colonialism pretty hard in practice, but I think Tim brings a unique player’s perspective on how phony rivalries between nations can be used to pit working people against each other,” said Popovich, explaining that Duncan’s previous experience playing for Team USA was a perfect example of striving for excellence without dividing people or diminishing outside voices. “This is a young team, so I think they’ll benefit from having a veteran like Duncan showing them how single-minded identification with your country can have dangerous consequences both at home and abroad. We have to respect all cultures, whether they’re playing zone or man-to-man defense. We’re here to prepare for the Olympics next year, not to spread imperialist propaganda.” At press time, a visibly frustrated Popovich forced the team to watch the documentary Ataturk after they narrowly avoided an overtime loss to Turkey.
Report: Best Indicator Of Kickass Party Still Pizza Spinning On Turntable #~# PHOENIX—Based on a $3-million multi-decade study, a report released Wednesday by sociologists at Arizona State University found that the best indicator of a kickass party was still a pizza spinning on a turntable. “A stale, greasy pizza revolving on a turntable in place of a vinyl record remains the gold standard of what separates an average social gathering from an absolute fucking rager,” said Dr. Isaiah Banks, adding that for a house party to qualify as “totally killer,” it must include a 9-1 beer-to-person ratio, a mattress floating in a swimming pool, and at least three bras strewn across a chandelier. “Prior to the 1980s, the best indicators for a bangin’ party were a guest wearing a lampshade on his head or opening the master bedroom door to see several people engaged in sexual intercourse. While today’s kickass parties require a spinning pizza with the stylus riding along the coagulated cheese, there are other ways to gauge a bash, such as how many lightweight dweebs puke in the fish tank or whether or not the stoners ashed a joint into a loved one’s urn.” According to Banks, the number-one indicator of a lame party was still a drunk athlete jumping off the roof and becoming paralyzed.
Winchester Widens Consumer Reach With New 4.50-Caliber Bullets For Non-Gun Owners To Pelt Targets With #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—In an effort to court non-firearm-owning Americans who have been unable to experience the feeling of riddling objects with lead projectiles, arms manufacturer Winchester released Wednesday a new 4.50-caliber bullet with which even non-gun owners can pelt their target. “We’re excited to offer all Americans the freedoms that, until now, were enjoyed solely by gun owners, as our new line of chuckable four-and-a-half-inch-wide cartridges has been designed to load seamlessly into your pocket, held in the palm of your hand, and thrown at anything or anyone you wish to attack,” said Winchester vice president of ammunition Lyle Baxter, who noted that the new bullet is specially engineered for short-range flinging and is ideal for anyone who is, for whatever reason, barred from owning one of Winchester’s signature rifles but still wants to give someone a nasty little welt, bruise, or concussion. “This super-sleek steel round can be used by kids, adults, families seeking protection, and just about anyone who wants to beam someone from a few feet away with an object only a little larger than—but just as American as—a baseball. Sadly, it’s not fired from an AR-15, but thanks to its state-of-the-art hard cast and simple yet brutal shape, it’s guaranteed to do some serious damage to whatever and whoever you hurl it at.” At press time, a bill was introduced to outlaw the sale of 4.50-caliber bullets, which have been used in several mass peltings.
How 2020 Presidential Candidates Can Raise Their Polling Numbers #~# With seemingly every new poll showing changes in the Democratic race and competitive polling between leading Democratic challengers and President Trump, every campaign is searching for ways to improve its polling numbers. The Onion breaks down what each candidate can do to get their numbers up.
Most Anticipated Games Of The Fall #~# From indie darlings and heady sci-fi adventures to sequels and reboots of classic franchises, the end of 2019 has no shortage of major titles to keep every kind of gamer busy. These are OGN’s most anticipated games being released this fall.
Obamas Sign Exclusive 6-Truck Deal To Produce Series Of Mid-Size RAM Pickups #~# AUBURN HILLS, MI—Touting their excitement over the rare opportunity to offer a motor vehicle developed with the signature sense of style of a former leader of the free world, Fiat Chrysler Automobiles of North America announced Tuesday that Barack and Michelle Obama have signed a multimillion-dollar six-truck contract to produce a series of mid-size RAM pickups. “For the 2021 model year, we will roll out a new series of medium-platform RAM trucks in six trim levels, all with clean-sheet designs masterminded by the Obama family, continuing the legacy of the former POTUS and FLOTUS of inspiring Americans through unparalleled power, smooth handling, and class-leading comfort,” said RAM chief of design Joseph Dehner, noting that the trucks would be available in variants from the youth/sport-oriented Malia base model to the luxury Audacity flagship. “The Obama family still has a lot to say about American life, particularly where legroom, wireless device charging, and towing capabilities are concerned, and they were proud to lend their unique voices to RAM’s design vocabulary, as well as to our navigation systems as an added-cost option. With the former first family at the wheel, the new RAM can’t help but bridge the divide between America’s aspiring luxury buyers and economy-minded consumers.” While little else is known concerning the Obama-designed truck, sources at RAM confirmed that power will be provided by Chrysler’s dependable 3.6-liter V-6 engine, pricing will start around $35,000, and styling will include signature red, white, blue, and limited-edition tan colorways.
NASA Investigating First-Ever Crime Committed In Space #~# NASA is looking into claims that astronaut Anne McClain committed the first-ever space crime after improperly accessing her estranged wife’s private financial records while aboard the International Space Station. What do you think?
‘Help! Help! Who Am I? Where Am I? Who Are You People?’ Says Biden In Embarrassing Campaign Gaffe #~# DES MOINES, IA—Following an uncomfortable flub on the campaign trail, political experts warned Tuesday that Joe Biden’s latest gaffe of repeatedly shouting “Help! Who am I? Where am I? Who are you people?” during a recent rally in Iowa risked embarrassing the candidate during his presidential run. “Biden is still the clear Democratic front-runner, but voters are increasingly expressing skepticism about his decision to wander out onto a campaign stage, blink blearily for several seconds, and tell the assembled crowd to go away because they’re loud and scary and he wants to be by himself,” said analyst Alexa Barbin, noting that the former vice president’s predilection for coming up to individual rally attendees and asking ‘Are you Barack?’ while staring at them with wide-eyed terror plays into a narrative that could damage Biden’s standing among primary voters. “Democrats still like Biden a lot, and a large part of what they’re responding to is the unscripted, off-the-cuff charm that they’re not getting from politicians who necessarily know who they’re talking to or what year it is. When Joe Biden is out there on the stump day after day, asking what everyone is doing in his bedroom while he’s trying to sleep, Americans know he’s fighting for them.” At press time, the Biden campaign announced that the candidate would be issuing a forceful argument about why he was best positioned to defeat Trump as soon as the former vice president began recognizing his caretakers’ faces again.
Diner Who Previously Put Wadded-Up Napkin On Center Of Plate Comes Out Of Retirement To Take One Last Stab At Burger #~# PORTLAND, ME—Moments after pushing his chair out from the table in resignation, local restaurant patron Joe Wright, who had previously thrown a wadded-up napkin into the center of his plate, announced Tuesday that he would come out of retirement for one last stab at his burger. “Although I signaled my retirement just moments ago with a contented sigh and a wipe at the aioli on the corner of my mouth, I just hated the idea that I was the kind of person who would leave some burger out on that plate,” said Wright, stressing that he would be haunted for the rest of his life if he walked away without doing his best to finish the cheeseburger, questioning what kind of example such a defeatist attitude might present to his children. “After all, I’m only 42. In many ways, I’m still at the top of my game. So today, I’m here to say that it was too early for me to count myself out. In fact, who knows? I might even dabble in some of those hand-cut fries.” At press time, Wright’s family had convened a press conference to announce that he had died while choking on a large mouthful of burger.
Nation’s Nonfiction Writers Announce Plans To Keep Writing Down Things That Happened #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they were committed to objectively chronicling facts, information, and people, the nation’s nonfiction writers announced Monday their plan to keep writing down things that have already happened. “We are dedicated to learning about actual stuff that has taken place in real life and then jotting that info down on paper so others can read it,” said biographer Robert Caro, one of the millions of nonfiction writers, including essayists, journalists, critics, memoirists, technical writers, analysts, academics, scientists, historians, and documentarians, who will continue chronicling things that have occurred. “Sometimes, it’s a personal experience we’ve had, or a historical event we think is cool, or just a bunch of neat facts about outer space that we write about. As long as it’s not imaginary, Americans can count on us to take notes on it and then transcribe those notes into books or articles. If things stop happening, there’s still tons of junk that have already happened for us to write about even if other people have already covered it.” Caro also said that while the nation’s nonfiction writers are devoted to recording lived experiences, they’re all done writing about World War II.
Nation Returns To Work From Labor Day Weekend #~# Today, Americans return from a three-day weekend dedicated to honoring the contributions of the labor movement to the United States. What did you do with your weekend?
Deal Alert: A Beluga Whale Beached Itself With A Stomach Full Of Classic N64 Cartridges #~# Gamers, you’re definitely going to want to check this out: A beluga whale just beached itself on the Quebec shore and its stomach is absolutely packed with dozens of vintage N64 cartridges. We’re talking Goldeneye, Starfox 64, Paper Mario, F-Zero X, all available for free to any gamers willing to head to Hudson Bay with a hatchet or harpoon to peel through a few layers of blubber and stick their arms elbow-deep into a little bit of digestive juices where these vintage cartridges are stocked. There’s even a drool-worthy Expansion Pak version of Perfect Dark just under a little mound of ambergris in the small intestine. So let’s be clear: This isn’t just some stray porpoise with a copy of Turok: Dinosaur Hunter rammed in its blowhole. We’re looking at one of the best chances for Nintendo diehards to stock up on the greatest N64 games of all time. But you’d better head down to the beach now—gasses are already bloating the whale’s decomposing stomach cavity, and by the time it explodes, all of these deals will be gone.
Democrats Launch New ‘Listen Up, Hayseeds’ Campaign To Connect With Rural Voters #~# EMPORIA, KS—Unveiling the new nationwide messaging strategy after six months of planning and research, the Democratic Party launched its “Listen Up, Hayseeds” campaign Monday to win over rural voters. “Hey, you redneck simpletons, put down your whittling sticks, drag yourself away from the Cracker Barrel, and let us tell you how it is,” said a team of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer on the debut commercial, part of a widespread advertising blitz that will be played at NASCAR races and monster truck rallies across the country. “We know you can barely read, so we’ll spell this out for you: The Republican tax plan will only benefit the rich. Don’t you dumb hicks get that? Democrats will fight inequality so you and all your inbred cousins don’t have to live in a trailer anymore. Get it?” Democratic officials have also announced a new “You Think You Can Do Better Than Us?” campaign aimed at increasing turnout among African American and Hispanic voters.
Teenagers Making Out In Park Have No Idea What The Hell They’re Doing #~# CARY, NC—Clumsily slobbering over each other like ham-fisted amateurs, a pair of teenagers sighted making out in the park Monday had absolutely no idea what the hell they were doing, dismayed onlookers confirmed. “From what I can see, they’re just shoving fingers into each other’s half-open mouth while he laboriously tries to work his hand up her shirt, which apparently he doesn’t realize is tucked into her jeans,” said one of the many eyewitnesses, going on to elaborate on how the two 15-year-olds needed to adjust their configuration and methodology in order to facilitate better breathing and, overall, simply take things slower and more gently. “These morons are never going to turn each other on if they can’t figure out how to deal with the elbow situation. Oh, Jesus, did she just lick his cheek? What the fuck?” Public safety officers were eventually dispatched to the scene to show the young couple how it should be done. 
Unconscious Amazon Employee Chastised For Not Filing Time-Off Request #~# SPARROWS POINT, MD—Informed by his manager that he would be let off with a warning this time, unconscious Amazon warehouse employee Anthony Cargill, 41, was reportedly chastised Monday for failing to file a time-off request. “We shouldn’t have to remind you that all warehouse employees are required to inform a supervisor in writing at least 48 hours in advance of passing out,” said the employee’s manager, adding that other employees who had followed proper protocol for requesting time to pass out would be forced to stay upright and cover his shift. “If you don’t give us enough notice, we can’t have the defibrillator ready to resuscitate you, okay? It’s disrespectful of our time if you’re not where you need to be because you keeled over from exhaustion and lost consciousness. Distribution boxes are piling up, so that’s stress added to my job, and how do you think your coworkers feel when they look over to see you stopped working? You think Jeff Bezos built a successful company with a workforce that just faints whenever they feel like it? We’ll let you keep your job, but don’t try this again—30 cameras will be watching you.” At press time, the supervisor was informing an employee decomposing on the floor that she’d violated Amazon’s bereavement leave policy, which permitted employees to take no more than three days off following their deaths.
Going Too Far?: Nintendo Has Responded To Complaints That Marth Is Too Overpowered In ‘Smash’ By Giving Him Fibromyalgia #~# Looks like this is a rough week for all the Marth mains out there: Nintendo has finally done something about the longstanding complaints that he is too overpowered, but it appears they may have gone too far by giving him fibromyalgia, a chronic disorder that involves frequent musculoskeletal pain, fatigue, and tenderness. 
Report: This To Be History’s Last-Ever Reference To 19th-Century Seamstress Florence Shadewell #~# NEW YORK—Noting that her name shall be unspoken from this moment until the end of the Earth, History decreed Tuesday that this very instance shall constitute its final mention of seamstress Florence Shadewell (1808-1872) who lived her life in the poorer environs of London, dying childless and unloved, without accomplishment or achievement aside from the workmanlike production and serviceable mending of women’s garments. The consignment of her legacy to oblivion being therefore no great loss to either History or, indeed, to Humanity, her image and memory have already began fading from Man’s collective consciousness, all memory of her existence a guttering flame fated to fade completely in but a handful of moments. These very words flickering before you constitute the last invocation of Florence Shadewell by the Universe at large, and, once read, shall mark her true and final death as she slips eternally from the mind’s eye. No further development is expected in this matter, as you and you alone are the final soul to see these words, and now everything Shadewell ever was or hoped to be slips silently below the dark and shadowed waves of eternity.
Man Asks Every Trick-Or-Treater If They’re The Real Dracula Just In Case #~# CLIFTON, NJ—Saying he was unwilling to take any chances with his safety, local man Jay Tierney confirmed Thursday that he made sure to ask every trick-or-treater if they’re the real Dracula, just in case. “Obviously, Halloween can be a lot of fun, but if you show up at my doorstep with fangs and a cape, I’m gonna need some answers in case I need to defend myself,” said Tierney, adding that, as a precaution, he kept a wooden stake and mallet behind the front door. “Usually, they say ‘No’ and I can just play it off like a joke, but better safe than sorry. I don’t want to end up a vampire myself, cursed to walk the night and feast on the blood of the innocent just because I was too embarrassed to ask a simple question. If a trick-or-treater ever does admit he’s Dracula, I’ll probably throw a Snickers in the yard and then lock the door while he’s picking it up.” At press time, Tierny peeked from behind a curtain as several costumed teens, among them possibly a real zombie and the actual Darth Vader, egged his house.
Poll Shows Support For Impeachment Weakest Among Uncontacted Amazonian Tribes Who Know Nothing Of Our Ways #~# MANAUS, BRAZIL—Citing a lack of support from those with no knowledge of the outside world, a new Reuters poll out Thursday found virtually no enthusiasm for the impeachment of President Donald Trump among uncontacted tribes in the Amazon completely unaware of our political traditions. “Despite the escalation of the inquiry in recent weeks, impeachment has the backing of less than 1% of people who have never encountered Western-style democracy and live in small, remote tribes hidden deep in the rainforest,” said Reuters poll analyst Chris Kahn, explaining that a month of depositions “hasn’t moved the needle at all” among indigenous hunter-gatherers entirely unfamiliar with our nation, its leaders, and its constitutional precedents. “This is a huge problem for Democrats. Go into these totally isolated communities that exhibit only a loose form of what we would call political structure, and you won’t find anyone demanding impeachment. Talk to individuals who possess no concept of a social contract in which the state exists solely to serve the will of the people, and none of them will tell you Donald Trump should be removed from office. It’s that simple.” Kahn went on to remark that if Democrats wanted these numbers to change, they would have to begin by reaching out to people and presenting them with evidence that the United States exists.
Twitter Drops All Political Ads #~# In a post staking out a stark contrast with Facebook’s stance, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced that Twitter will no longer run political ads, saying that he believes “political message reach should be earned, not bought.” What do you think?
‘Hey You, Want To Be A Federal Judge?’ Says Mitch McConnell Pointing To Valet In Heritage Foundation Parking Lot #~# WASHINGTON—After realizing there were still judicial appointments that needed to be filled during a meeting with the conservative think tank, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly pointed to a valet in the Heritage Foundation parking lot Thursday and asked him if he wanted to be a federal judge. “Hey, kid, how’d you like a lifetime appointment on the Ninth Circuit, huh?” asked McConnell, interrupting the 19-year-old temp worker’s protests that he didn’t know anything about the law to tell him that all he needed was “wipe that dumb look off your face” and he could be delivering rulings by the end of the week. “You over 18? You got an ID? That’ll do. Now just hop in this car with me and we’ll head over to the Capitol right now. Remember, abortion’s bad, corporations are good, and as for everything else, you just shut the fuck up and do as your told. Got it?” At press time, after the valet nervously informed McConnell that he was hungover and had illegal drugs in his system, the laughing Senate leader assured him that wouldn’t be an issue.
Nationals Admit World Series Win Would Be Way Sweeter If Franchise Was Still In Montréal #~# WASHINGTON—Describing the French Canadian municipality as a “world-class city,” Nationals players admitted Thursday that their World Series win would be way sweeter if the franchise stilled played in Montréal. “We’ve never really considered D.C. our home, and we all grew up bleeding Expos blue,” said World Series MVP Stephen Strasburg, speaking in French while lovingly referencing Montréal’s architecture, cosmopolitan culture, and its “incredible cuisine.” “The first thing we did when we got back to the locker room was sing Québec’s anthem. Man, could you imagine driving our parade floats down Catherine Street? It’s great to finally get a ring, but it’ll be a little bittersweet to celebrate with a bunch of D.C. bureaucrats who are just looking for something to do.” At press time, Strasburg admitted to taking some solace in winning a World Series without Bryce Harper.
Federal Judge Blocks Alabama Abortion Ban #~# District Judge Myron Thompson issued a ruling blocking the Human Life Protection Act from taking effect pending legal action, saying the Alabama ban—which bars abortions even in the case of incest or rape—would likely be shown to “violate an individual’s constitutional right to obtain a pre-viability abortion.” What do you think?
It’s Long Past Time For Jack-O’-Lanterns To Decide Once And For All If They Are On The Side Of Humans Or The Side Of Demons #~# Each fall, we welcome the sight of jack-o’-lanterns. They beautify our porches, light the paths to our doors, and, of course, frighten evil spirits away from the premises. As we wonder what lurks behind their mischievous grins, these pumpkins add a sense of mystery to our Halloweens. A bit too much mystery, in my view, for we never know where their true allegiance lies. Are they loyal to humans? Or would they rather obey the orders of demons?
‘The Witcher’ Producers Assure Gamers Netflix Series Will Include All 400 Side Quests From ‘Wild Hunt’ #~# Good news Witcher fans! After months of speculation over Netflix’s upcoming production, and growing worry that major elements from the books and the Witcher games would be cut out of the show, producers have finally put those concerns to rest by assuring gamers that all 400 side quests from The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt will be in the series. 
Astros Fan Announcing Game 7 After Joe Buck Scalps Press Pass For $25,000 #~# HOUSTON—Saying the offer for such good seats at the deciding game of the World Series was too good to pass up, Houston Astros fan Victor Buckley was announcing game seven Wednesday after Joe Buck scalped his press pass for $25,000. “I went down there before the game hoping to score a ticket, and this guy was just standing outside the parking lot trying to unload his press pass, so I figured, what the heck, I’ll give it a shot,” said Buckley, adding that he was fortunate to be carrying some cash on him and was able to talk Buck down from his original asking price of $35,000 for the seat in Minute Maid Park’s announcing booth. “At first, I thought it was one of those scams where they give you a press pass that isn’t real, but the guy assured me it was legit. I was pretty nervous until I got in, though. The price was steep, but this is game seven of the World Series, and turns out these are the best seats in the house, just like he said. I asked the guy if he really wanted to miss this game, but he said he was tired of watching at the stadium and would be happier curled up on the couch at home—and that’s strike two on Springer, swing and a miss.” Buckley added that while the food in the press box was great, the guy announcing the game in the seat next to him was “kind of a dick.”
‘Oh Jesus, Now What?’ Says Exhausted Trump Turning On News To See What Bullshit Thing President Did Today #~# WASHINGTON—Bemoaning the never-ending stream of news about the current occupant of the Oval Office, an exhausted President Donald Trump reportedly asked himself, “Oh Jesus, now what?” after turning the TV Wednesday and seeing what bullshit thing the president had done this time. “Just a single day without this garbage would be nice, but with this administration, there’s always something, isn’t there?” said Trump, who groaned that everywhere he looked—the television, the newspaper, even his Twitter feed—he was confronted with yet another fucking insane story about the president. “No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to escape that asshole. Every day I ask myself, ‘When will it all end?’ Because it’s seriously becoming more than I can handle.” At press time, Trump was overheard mumbling to himself that with his luck, he’ll probably wind up having to put up with this horseshit for another four years.
Largest U.S. Coal Mining Company Files For Bankruptcy #~# Murray Energy, the largest private coal miner in the United States, filed for bankruptcy protection due to its $1.7 billion in liabilities, a testament to the rapid decline of coal in the energy sector and the rise of renewables. What do you think?
Silicon Valley Leaders Sit Down With Wildfire At Investment Meeting After Being Impressed By Its Rapid Expansion #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Expressing their desire to get in on the ground floor of what they see as an exciting investment opportunity, top Silicon Valley executives reportedly took a meeting Wednesday with the Sonoma County–based Kincade Fire after being impressed by its rapid expansion. “We’ve seen the moves you’re making and would like to offer a cash infusion of $1 billion to get you to the next level,’’ said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who, according to sources, was accompanied by Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff, Apple CEO Tim Cook, and dozens of other tech luminaries eager to partner with the week-old blaze responsible for burning over 75,000 acres and leveling 206 structures. “You started with nothing a few days ago, and what you’ve been able to do in such a short timeline has been really exciting to watch. You’re getting great engagement, and you’ve already disrupted businesses in many areas. We believe there’s just incredible growth potential here.” Reports confirmed the tech leaders went on to ask the wildfire what kind of support it thought it would need to scale up, increase its reach, and go national.
Pumpkin Carving Tips #~# Carving jack-o’-lanterns from pumpkins is one of the most fun and rewarding Halloween activities. The Onion offers tips for pumpkin carving that will make your jack-o’-lantern the envy of the neighborhood.
Vindman Says Ukraine Transcript Left Out Lengthy Sections Of Trump Bragging About Time He Was In Pizza Hut Commercial #~# WASHINGTON—Raising further questions about Donald Trump’s July call to Ukraine’s president Volodymyr Zelensky, national security expert Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman testified Tuesday that the White House’s transcript of the conversation left out lengthy sections of Trump bragging about the time he was in a commercial for Pizza Hut. “When I saw there were numerous gaps in the official record of the call, I sought to add in the president’s lengthy explanation about how professional the production team had been and how some of the most classic moments in the ad were actually lines that he had improvised on set, but I was ultimately rebuffed,” said Vindman, telling House impeachment investigators that several ellipses in the call summary covered remarks about how Trump was a major force in making the stuffed-crust pizza one of America’s most popular fast food items, and that people still regularly approach him to compliment his acting skills in the ad. “I did not think it was proper for the president to ask another country’s leader to queue up a YouTube video of the advertisement so he could walk him through it moment by moment. In addition, while it is not reflected in the call summary, there was an explicit mention by Zelensky about the palpable chemistry the president had with Ivana Trump, even while they were in the midst of a divorce.” Vindman also testified that the transcript had been stored in a top-secret computer system along with records of other communications with foreign leaders, including a phone call with Chinese president Xi Jinping in which Trump spoke for over an hour about meeting Grimace during a 2002 McDonald’s commercial. 
ExxonMobil Introduces New 8-Course Gasoline Tasting Menu For Luxury Cars #~# IRVING, TEXAS—Hailing the new gas stations as a “one-of-a-kind” refueling experience, ExxonMobil officials announced Wednesday that they had created a custom, eight-course gasoline tasting menu for luxury cars. “When vehicles pull up to one of our ExxonMobil prix fixe gas stations, they should feel like they are going on a journey around the world that allows them to experience the nuances of petroleum like they’ve never experienced before,” said CEO Darren Woods, adding that the multi-course menu, which is reportedly poured by a white-gloved gas attendant from crystal decanters, includes gasolines that are hand-refined, barrel-aged, and sourced from all over the Middle East. “While the appetizer tans of pure ethanol is meant to shock the vehicle’s palate, the subsequent main course tanks should evoke more familiar notes of crude oil, which are designed to feel more whimsical and fun. And finally, after a quick palate cleanser, our dessert course includes a rare, unfiltered combustible that hasn’t been tapped since 1942.” At press time, ExxonMobil had to temporarily shut down the program after a rise in gas prices caused the cost of the multi-course tasting menu to skyrocket to $5,000. 
House To Vote On Impeachment Inquiry #~# Following a campaign of pressure from Republicans in Congress, the House of Representatives will vote this week to formalize the procedure of its impeachment inquiry. What do you think?
God Recalls Time He Pulled Wings Off Angel As Child #~# THE HEAVENS—Shaking His head at what a troublemaker He once was, the Lord God, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, reportedly paused Wednesday to recall a youthful incident in which He dismembered and tortured an angel out of a mix of curiosity and sheer boredom. “I was always seeing if I could catch angels, and there was one time I got one, tore his wings off, and watched him writhe on the ground for a while,” said God, who cited a litany of other childhood abuses that included dropping angels from extreme heights, dunking them in puddles, and searing them with focused rays of sunlight. “I’m certainly not proud of it, but I used to get up to all kinds of mischief in those days. Putting a cherub and a seraph in a cage just to watch them fight, stuff like that. What can I say? I had a lot of time on My hands.” God went on to state that He’s matured quite a bit since then, and that if angels get in His face nowadays, He just swats them away.
Man Remembers Exactly Where He Was In ‘Final Fantasy X’ When He Heard About 9/11 #~# ERIE, PA—Solemnly describing a game cut tragically short, local man Patrick Howard told reporters Tuesday that he remembers exactly where he was in Final Fantasy X when he heard about 9/11. “I was well into my third match of Blitzball when my roommate walked in and told me to change the channel,” said Howard, vividly recalling the “orange hoodie I always wore” and how he was overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness and despair after losing the Chocobo Race in the Remiem Temple. “Things really changed that day—I messed up and I was like, never again. I had leveled up Tidus to about 28 when the second plane struck and I had to turn off my PS2. I didn’t even have time to get to a save point, so I had to track down the Mercury Sigil all over again.” At press time, Howard recalled exactly where he was in Final Fantasy X2 when Saddam Hussein was killed.
ISIS Leader Killed In U.S. Raid #~# Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the 48-year-old leader of ISIS, has been killed in a daring U.S. raid, the Trump Administration announced on Sunday, bringing an end to his nine-year reign of the brutal organization. What do you think?
Bernie Sanders Holds Secret Campaign Meeting With 15,000 Working-Class Democratic Donors #~# DETROIT—Releasing bombshell evidence in the form of hundreds of cell phone videos taken during the gathering, numerous anonymous tipsters confirmed this week that Bernie Sanders recently attended a secret campaign meeting with 15,000 working-class donors from the Democratic Party. “This damning footage shows Sen. Sanders clandestinely mingling with thousands of representatives from the nursing, food service, and public education sectors, many of whom were apparently chauffeured to the event aboard city buses and enjoyed fountain drinks upon arriving,” said political strategist August Buckminster, adding that the event, which reportedly took place at a local vocational school, could prove problematic for the presidential candidate in his bid for the Democratic nomination. “Sanders can be heard promising a highly underprivileged audience everything from a minimum-wage increase to healthcare access to educational opportunities—whatever it takes to get them on his side. In one video, he explicitly offers a group of steel workers a quid pro quo of affordable housing in exchange for their votes. If the senator wants to win the backing of the national party, he will certainly have to answer for hobnobbing with this room full of people at the absolute lowest levels of power.” At press time, Sanders had received further criticism after documents were uncovered showing he has acted on behalf of a contingent of approximately 625,000 Vermont residents over a period of nearly 30 years.
U.S. Deficit Hits $984 Billion #~# The U.S. deficit grew $205 billion, or 26%, in the past fiscal year, soaring despite a sound economy due to spending increases and tax cuts for the wealthy. What do you think?
Exterminator Composes Self In Driveway So Kids Won’t Know He Saw Cricket Die At Work Today #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Inhaling deeply while suppressing the horror of what he witnessed earlier that day, exterminator Paul Young took a moment Tuesday to compose himself in the driveway so that his kids would not have to deal with the fact that he witnessed the death of a cricket at work. “This is my burden to bear, not theirs,” said Young, attempting to banish images of the cricket’s twitching body and finals moments on Earth from his mind before sitting down to dinner with the wife and kids who, Young hoped, would not notice their father’s brittle temperament. “I really lost it and yelled at my son for something like 10 minutes straight the other day, but I know I did it from fear of losing little Jalen just like that cricket. Every time I look into his eyes, I can’t help but see it, legs scrabbling in the air, body twitching, fast at first, then more slowly, then…nothing. Just nothing. God, I’ve got to figure out a way to not bring this home with me.” Young’s son was later spotted sneaking halfway down the stairs in the middle of the night and sitting there listening intently as his father sobbed quietly in the living room.
ISIS Member Unsure Whom To Submit PTO Request To #~# AL-HOL, SYRIA—Amidst the shake-up following the sudden death of Islamic State caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, sources confirmed Monday that local ISIS fighter Youssef Khalil al-Noury found himself uncertain whom to contact to submit his request for personal time off. “I’ve really been looking forward to this vacation and have these nonrefundable plane tickets, so I’m really not sure what to do,” said al-Noury, who explained that he had sent in the necessary paperwork a few days ago but had reason to suspect al-Baghdadi had not gotten the chance to sign off on it before retreating into a tunnel beneath his remote Syrian compound and detonating his suicide vest. “There are a few higher-ups I could message if I absolutely have to, but I’m not sure they even have clearance to approve the request because I’m not their direct report. I just don’t want to leave and then come back and have it be this huge fucking thing, you know? Damn it. I really wanted to see Mount Rushmore, too.” At press time, al-Noury had reportedly decided to just use his accrued sick days instead, having realized HR policies would not permit him to roll them over to the 2020 fiscal year anyway.
‘Again, Again, Again!’ Exclaims Clapping, Grinning Trump After Sixth Time Watching Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi Death Video #~# WASHINGTON—Clapping and bouncing up and down in his chair, President Donald Trump reportedly exclaimed “Again, again, again!” to aides in the Oval Office Monday after watching a video of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s death six times in a row. “Show me one more time! One more time, please?” said a visibly gleeful Trump, who according to sources became sullen, pounded on his desk, and threw a paperweight at acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney when the adviser gently suggested it was time to move on to other items on the president’s daily agenda. “I’m not going to any stupid meetings. I want to watch my show again. I love it, I love it, I love it! Fast-forward to the part with the big boom!” At press time, reports confirmed Trump was demanding that Pentagon officials make more videos of people dying for him to watch.
Trump Organization Considering Selling D.C. Hotel #~# Eric Trump announced that the Trump Organization may sell its Washington D.C. hotel, which has earned the president $80 million in revenue since taking office. What do you think? 
Trump Mortified After World Series Crowd Starts Booing, Chanting ‘Lock Him Up’ At Melania #~# WASHINGTON—As a chorus of jeers began to fill Nationals Park during Game Five of the World Series, President Donald Trump was reportedly mortified Sunday after the crowd started chanting “Lock him up!” at first lady Melania Trump. “Why would they do that? It’s so mean,” said Trump, adding that when they stood up in their box seats to wave, the crowd began viciously booing Melania, an act he claimed was extremely disrespectful to the office of the first lady, especially since he was pretty sure she hadn’t done anything illegal. “Listen, there are plenty of things about Melania that I don’t like. I’ve definitely thought about replacing her. Heck, I got caught up in the chant for a little bit there too. But she should be able to attend a baseball game in peace. Someone even pulled out a sign that said ‘Impeach Trump,’ which is silly, because I don’t think she can be impeached. Overall, we were incredibly embarrassed for Melania, but she was able to put on a brave face. I went over to console her and she didn’t seem bothered by it at all.” At press time, Trump kicked himself for being foolish after realizing that the crowd was probably booing Senator David Perdue (R-GA) for his unpopular agricultural policies.
Deal Alert: You Can Save $60 By Exhibiting Some Fiscal Responsibility For Once In Your Life And Not Buying The New ‘Call Of Duty’ #~# Listen up gamers, because boy do we have a deal for you! Starting today, you can save $60 just by exhibiting some fiscal responsibility for once in your life and not buying the new Call Of Duty game. That’s right! If you muster up just a teensy bit of restraint, you’ll be able to pocket $60 and start working your way towards a financially sound future and a stable retirement. How kick-ass is that? Plus, imagine how much better you’ll feel spending the 50 or 60 hours you would have sunk into this tactical shooting game into something truly beneficial like, say, making sure your estate is in order or speaking to a financial advisor about the benefits of a Roth 401(k). Do you even know what one of those is? Shouldn’t you, based on how long you’ve been alive? Frankly, you could even just put the saved cash into a low-interest savings account and it would still bring you a solid return. So long as you show some maturity in money matters for once in your existence, you’re going to really be thanking yourself when retirement rolls around. And, hey, if you’re still thinking about buying Call of Duty: Modern Warfare when you hit the age of 65, it will probably have depreciated far enough in value that you can buy yourself, like, a couple hundred copies without even breaking the bank. Pretty cool, huh? But jump on this deal soon! Given your level of self-control in the past, you’re at a high risk of shelling out $199.99 for the Dark Edition and some takeout, and wondering what the hell you were thinking once rent is up.
Greatest Genius In Cow History Killed, Eaten #~# OMAHA, NE—Demonstrating intellectual ability far surpassing any other member of its species, H4B3447, the greatest genius in cow history, has been killed, butchered, packaged, and eaten, agricultural sources confirmed Monday. According to those familiar with the animal, H4B3447 demonstrated problem-solving and critical thinking skills significantly outpacing the bovine norm, including evidence of superior math aptitude and even rudimentary use of tools, before being stunned with a heavy-duty electrical shock and cranially dispatched with a captive bolt gun in an Omaha-area meatpacking plant. Reports confirmed that the cow also exhibited high emotional intelligence, displaying a clear and measurable sense of existential concern for both its own welfare and that of its fellow cows, dreading and mourning the fact that it would cease to be a sentient entity long before it was butchered into steaks, burger patties, mid-grade hides, and budget dog food. The USDA, which oversees meat processing, did not return calls inquiring as to whether or not the genius cow was more delicious than its mundane counterparts.
Milestone In Polio Elimination Reached #~# The World Health Organization announced this week that Type 3 polio has been eradicated, making it the second out of three types of the devastating infectious disease to be wiped out and paving the way for the final form of the disease to be eliminated in Afghanistan and Pakistan, where it continues to circulate. What do you think?
Matt Damon Begrudgingly Accepts $50 In eBay Auction For ‘The Martian’ Cast And Crew Jacket #~# LOS ANGELES—Visibly annoyed after his auction closed with a winning bid far below his expectations, actor Matt Damon begrudgingly accepted $50 Monday from the eBay auction of his cast and crew jacket from the sci-fi thriller The Martian. “I sort of don’t want to part with my only memento from my time on that set, but I really need the cash,” said Damon, noting that other than a grape fruit juice stain on its left sleeve, the jacket was in near-mint condition and should sell for “way more” given its connection to a real Hollywood movie. “I had assumed there would be a bidding war or something, but almost no one bit. And I was banking on using the cash from this to cover my acting classes. As it is, I’m actually losing a little money on the whole thing. I should have never agreed to pay shipping on this.” Damon’s mood reportedly changed to anger after learning the person who bought the jacket resold the item in two days later for $475.
Fair-Weather Bills Fan Not Even Banned From Stadium #~# BUFFALO—Bragging about his own hardcore dedication to being removed from sports facilities, local fan Rob Henderson reportedly questioned Sunday how his acquaintance Derek Shaw could possibly call himself a fan of the Buffalo Bills if he had never been banned from entering New Era Field. “Listen, I’ve been banned from this place since it was called Rich Stadium, and this guy comes in saying he’s had a ‘seat’ inside there for every game the past two years? Who does he think he is?” said Shaw, ranting that he was tired of dealing with bandwagon fans who had never even gotten ejected for fighting by the concession stands, throwing up on their neighbor, or shouting racist epithets at players. “If you can make it through 10 straight Bills games and not get permanently barred from entering the field and parking lot, I just don’t think you really love this team. It’s in my blood. My father lost his season tickets, my grandpa lost his season tickets, and one day, God willing, I’ll get to see my son get chased down by security, blind drunk and half-nude. Can he say the same? Poser.” At press time, Shaw was showing off his Bills fan bona fides by watching the game on his phone in the backseat of his car after getting kicked out of a local sports bar.
Dad Reports Old Guy Being Honored On Field Always Choked In Playoffs #~# PHILADELPHIA—Repeatedly pointing out that the 71-year-old former player was only good when it did not count, local dad Jim Paulson reported Sunday that the old guy being honored on the field always choked in the playoffs. “People are acting like he was some all-time great; he was decent, but he always lost steam whenever it came to securing championships,” said Paulson, 59, noting that while the honoree may have helped in a few playoff runs, he was also the reason for never making it to the Super Bowl. “I’m all for taking a moment to recognize those who came before us, and I know he was the team’s all-time sack leader, but he never showed up when it mattered. What ever happened to winning games? Plus, he always made a big deal out of celebrating after a play; we don’t need to see any of that.” Paulson added that if he was truly great he would have been tough enough to take all those hits and not be in a wheelchair today.
Report: Make It Stop #~# EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far and they would do almost anything for even a few glorious minutes of respite. “We’re on our hands and knees, pleading with you to make it all go away once and for all. What’s it going to take? Jesus Christ, just stop it! Stop it right now!” At press time, sources confirmed that they knew deep down it was never going to stop.
Sympathetic Representatives Let Lindsey Graham Into Impeachment Hearing After It Becomes Clear He Came To Disrupt It Alone #~# WASHINGTON—In an expression of pity for the man who had been slowly pacing the hallway for over an hour, House committee members taking impeachment depositions reportedly let Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) into their meeting Friday after it became clear he had come to storm the room all by himself. “We figured it wouldn’t hurt to let just one more person in, and to be honest, we all felt pretty bad for the sad sack,” said House Foreign Affairs Committee chair Eliot Engel, who added that aides had spotted the lone senator outside the Capitol’s Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility struggling to set up a Facebook livestream and checking the batteries in a bullhorn he couldn’t get to work. “You could hear him out there rehearsing his little speech to himself over and over right before he ran up and knocked on the door. When we opened it, he started sputtering and sweating and couldn’t get any words out, so after a while [Rep.] Ted [Deutch] just said, ‘Hey, Lindsey, you can come in. It’s fine.’ He sat down and mumbled something about how three or four other Republicans had told him they might be showing up later to join his protest, but no one ever did.” According to sources, Graham later announced he had more important places to be and accidentally exited through the wrong door, finding himself in a broom closet where, to avoid further embarrassment, he stayed quiet and perfectly still through the remaining six hours of the hearing.
White House Urges Federal Agencies To Cancel ‘New York Times,’ ‘Washington Post’ Subscriptions #~# Trump is urging all federal agencies to cancel their subscriptions to The New York Times and The Washington Post, calling the former a “fake newspaper” and saying “we don’t even want it in the White House anymore.” What do you think?
‘What About All The Good Times?’ Says Cornered President Calling On Nation To Remember Covfefe And The Saudi Arabia Orb #~# WASHINGTON—Imploring Americans to take a moment to recall jovial incidents such as tweeting “covfefe” instead of “coverage” or when he touched that strange glowing orb during a visit to Saudi Arabia, U.S. president Donald Trump, increasingly cornered by House impeachment proceedings, called upon the nation Friday to remember “all the good times.” “Come on, guys, wasn’t that fun when I got in that really huge truck or did that photo op with the taco bowl?” said the 45th commander in chief of the halcyon days when he was attacked by a bald eagle, insulted the appearance of Ted Cruz’s wife, or threw paper towels to Puerto Rico rescue workers, spiraling into an ever-deeper panic as he realized the gravity of the investigation into his diplomatic misdeeds in Ukraine. “I feel like everybody is just focusing on the negative here. Don’t forget, we’ve had a lot of great laughs together, like when that lawn mower kid came to the White House or when I looked up at a solar eclipse without the glasses. Boy, wasn’t that a real hoot? I mean, how can you not remember the fast food banquet, or when my butt looked big in that one picture? Doesn’t that count for anything? That was classic Trump.” At press time, the American public sighed deeply in fond remembrance of all the good times they’d shared together as support for impeachment dropped to 0%.
Out-Of-Work Robert Mueller Opens Investigation Into Whether Squirrels Knowingly Ate From Bird Feeder #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining there appeared to be a pattern of premeditated wrongdoing but that he didn’t want to make any claims he couldn’t substantiate with hard facts, an out-of-work Robert Mueller reportedly opened an investigation Friday into whether several neighborhood squirrels knowingly ate from his bird feeder. “On the one hand, there is just too much bird seed missing each morning to be attributable to birds alone, and on the other, there are a few suspicious squirrels who have been skulking around the yard lately—I think there’s some collusion afoot, but right now, it’s impossible to prove,” said the unshaven former FBI director, showing reporters how he had propped up several camcorders on his windowsill to film the squirrels when he wasn’t watching the animals through binoculars from under a canoe he’d flipped over in the corner of his yard. “I thought I had them the other night when the automatic light went on beside the garage, but by the time I got down there, the birdseed was gone. I followed the trail for a while, but it was raining and I lost the scent. There was a late-night meeting a few days ago between a possum and a raccoon I think might be germane to the case, but I don’t want to leap to any conclusions. I haven’t seen the raccoon interact with the squirrels yet, which makes me think there’s some go-between critter I haven’t identified. It’s a big question mark on the board I’ve got inside. They’re wily—they’re trying to play 12-step chess. Fortunately, though, I’ve got some experience playing that game. And I’ve got all the time in the world ever since I cleared up that inquiry into why the begonias kept getting trampled and also since my wife left me.” At press time, a frantic, wild-eyed Mueller had burst into FBI headquarters and demanded someone help him file a subpoena to get access to the inside of a tree where he suspected the squirrels were storing the stolen birdseed.
Pope Francis Teaches Parishioners Dangers Of Sinning By Showing Them Cross Section Of Black, Desiccated Soul #~# ROME—In an effort to provide a striking visual to drive home the severity of both venial and mortal transgressions, Pope Francis made a demonstration of the dangers of sin to his flock Friday by revealing a cross-section of a soul that had been blackened and desiccated by wickedness. “I know the idea of ‘sin’ in and of itself can be somewhat abstract, so I thought I would demonstrate the effects of engaging in even casual transgressions against the Lord,” the pontiff said while displaying the glass case containing the warped, shriveled human spirit to the congregation at the San Pietro in Vincoli Church. “Now, you’re looking at this and you’re thinking this person was probably a pretty heavy sinner, someone who’s burning through ten pacts with God a day, but no—this soul came from a believer who only indulged their lust and gluttony at the occasional party. Even something as small as that is more than enough to do this. So, the next time you think that sinning is cool, or badass, or even just satisfying, you think long and hard about what you saw here today.” The Pope later admitted to omitting the fact that much of the grotesque withering and scarring evident upon any mortal soul can be attributed to everyday original sin, which is unavoidable and present from birth.
California Combatting Wildfire Risk By Shutting Off Oxygen To Thousands Of Residents #~# SAN FRANCISCO—With blazes engulfing Sonoma County and smoke-filled skies blanketing much of the Bay Area, officials in California announced Friday they would attempt to mitigate any further spread of wildfires with a mandatory shutoff of oxygen to thousands of the state’s residents. “In order to eliminate factors that could contribute to the fires’ growth, we will cut the flow of oxygen in high-risk areas throughout the northern part of the state,” California Public Utilities Commission president Marybel Batjer told reporters, explaining that the rolling “air-outs” would last 12 hours on average and residents would need to plan accordingly. “If each Californian can learn to make do without oxygen for just a day or two, we could avoid much of the devastation caused by wildfires. We understand this is a hardship, but it is simply too dangerous to allow open oxygen in fire-prone areas. Those requiring emergency supplies of air will be allowed to offset the shortage by cultivating hundreds of plants inside their home.” Batjer later confirmed that oxygen would continue flowing to all businesses deemed vital, including the headquarters of every major tech giant in or around Silicon Valley.
Dumbass Apple Picker Goes For Overripe McIntosh Red When Pink Lady Cleary Best Option Given The Topography, Time Of Harvest #~# POUGHQUAG, NY—Completely ignoring the fruit’s coloring and texture, local dumbass Luke Jordan reportedly opted for an overripe McIntosh Red when picking apples Friday, even though a Pink Lady was clearly the best variety available given the region’s topography and the lateness of the harvest season. “God, what a complete moron,” said Linda Baxter, a fellow patron at Barton Orchards who cringed as the shit-for-brains bypassed all the perfectly ripened Pink Ladies and Macouns for a McIntosh tree well on its way to dormancy and, given soil acidity levels, incapable of producing apples with the tart-tasting notes or tender white flesh the cultivar is known for. “It’s like, ‘Look at a calendar, numskull. It’s late October.’ That tree bloomed in May and is behind a hill without much access to sunlight, but this dope comes along and mindlessly plucks its fruit without even surveying the hue of its leaves or its trunk health. At the very least, he could have gone for a Golden Delicious or Jonagold. You can tell he doesn’t have an inkling of the effect all our excess rainfall has had on that plant’s wilting pattern. What a loser.” At press time, sources confirmed Baxter’s jaw had dropped after she overheard the fuckwit say he was going to make a pie with his McIntoshes when a blend of Fujis and Cameos would be a far superior option given their flavor profiles this time of year.
Teens Frantically Cleaning Up Mess From Homicide Before Vacationing Parents Return #~# EL PASO, TX—Working feverishly to cover up all evidence of their unsupervised week, a group of hapless teens raced against the clock Friday to clean up the mess from their homicide before their vacationing parents returned. “Shit, shit, shit, if my parents get back and see all the blood and bone flecks all over their living room, we’re definitely gonna be grounded. Like, for the entire year,” said 17-year-old Bobby Klein, claiming his mother would “totally flip” if she noticed how he and his friends had ruined her Persian rug by letting a homeless drifter bleed out on it. “Oh God, they just texted me to see if I want anything from the Whataburger! That’s, like, 20 minutes away! Just stuff those corpses behind the couch where they won’t be able to see them. Jesus, it still smells like death in here. Get the Febeze!” The cleaning frenzy was ultimately a wasted effort, however, as a cheerleader’s severed head fell out of the refrigerator just as Klein’s parents were thanking him for taking such good care of everything while they were away.
Scientists Train Rats To Drive Tiny Cars To Collect Food #~# Revealing rodents may possess more adaptable brains than previously believed, University of Richmond scientists have taught rats to drive a tiny car using steerable metal bars to retrieve Froot Loop cereal pieces. What do you think?
Making Amends: Blizzard Added A Drawing Of Xi Jinping Getting Pinched On The Ass By A Crab To All Spawn Rooms On Overwatch’s Lijiang Tower Map #~# We can all agree that Blizzard messed up by banning popular Hearthstone player Blitzchung from competition due to his pro-Hong Kong comments. Thankfully, they’re making up for their mistake with a totally epic move: When the next Overwatch update hits, the developers will modify every spawn room in the Lijiang Tower map to include a drawing of Chinese President Xi Jinping getting pinched in the buttocks by a big crab.
Internet Cat Has Girth That One Might Say Is Unusual Among His Species #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Taken aback by the plump feline’s quite extraordinary nature, sources confirmed Friday that a cat on the internet named Pancake has a girth that one might say is unusual among his species. “Quite peculiar, this feline appears to have proportions far beyond that of the cats I usually encounter,” said internet user Ryan Carbery, delighting in the happy coincidence that such a strange, corpulent creature should find its way into his daily internet browsing routine. “I should inform my fellow citizens of this cat, they may be as entertained by its prodigious circumference as I was. A normal house cat might weigh 15 pounds at most, but this one may be at least three stone. In fact, I would say Pancake is absolutely rotund!” At press time, Carbery had expressed his satisfaction with the cat’s size to other internet users, along with a resolution to lay down his life for the cat should the need arise.
Pros And Cons Of Getting A Flu Shot #~# Fewer than half of Americans get flu shots every year, believing that they’re not necessary or can cause side effects that make them not worth it. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of getting a flu shot.
Concerned Charlize Theron Fans Raise Millions For What Must Be Serious Medical Bills After Seeing Actress In Budweiser Ad #~# DENVER—In an outpouring of support for the star, worried fans of Charlize Theron confirmed Thursday they had raised $3.5 million for what must be very substantial hospital bills after seeing the actress in a recent TV spot for Budweiser. “It’s really hard watching a talented person undergo something as humiliating as that commercial, so some of us decided to pitch in and help her out with what we can only assume is crushing medical debt,” said Colorado native Henry Graff, 48, adding that he and other fans of the Academy Award winner collected funds through a Kickstarter campaign in the hopes that Theron, who has starred in dozens of major films over the past 20 years, would be able to stave off personal bankruptcy. “You see something like this and it’s a huge red flag, because you realize something terrible must have happened to make a successful actor like her agree to appear in such an awful ad. Whatever medical condition has put her in dire straits—be it cancer, addiction, or a nervous breakdown—we’re not going to judge. We just want to help. I honestly can’t imagine what she must be going through right now.” Graff later stated that his worst fears were confirmed after he realized Theron had resorted to doing voice-over work for the new Addams Family reboot.
New ‘Westworld’ Trailer Teases Long-Awaited Arrival Of Dramatic Stakes #~# LOS ANGELES—Seemingly confirming numerous fan theories about the ultimate direction of the popular show, a new trailer for HBO’s flagship drama series Westworld released Thursday teased the arrival of long-awaited dramatic stakes. “Producers have been laying the groundwork for high-intensity drama since practically the first episode, and it’s thrilling that they’re finally paying that off by debuting a meaningful conflict that audiences can invest in,” said viewer Rich Nichols, expressing his hope that the upcoming episodes would continue delivering shocking, unexpected twists by playing with the audience expectations of caring about characters’ stated goals. “They’ve dropped hints throughout the previous two seasons that dramatic stakes exist within the universe of this show, but until now, there have only been a few small glimpses, so it’s going to be pretty awesome to finally see a character with a strong need who faces obstacles in an effort to achieve their objective.” Nichols went on to speculate that this creative decision opened the door for later seasons to eventually showcase character development, story arcs, and a coherent narrative. 
MIT Researchers Make Breakthrough On Marionette Strings That Allow Paralyzed Man To Walk #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Hailing the discovery as one that would undoubtedly change the medical field forever, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Thursday that they had made a breakthrough on marionette strings that had allowed a paralyzed man to walk. “While our subject had incurred severe damage to his spinal cord, doctors were successfully able to attach long strings on his arms and legs to a large, suspended wooden cross and restore motion to all of his limbs,” said lead researcher Ken MacQuoid, adding that the team spent years building an apparatus that would allow appendage movement while also keeping the marionette strings from getting tangled. “Just a few months ago, this man couldn’t even lift one hand, but now, he can dangle from the ceiling while his entire body moves back and forth. Soon, with both more time and practice, we hope he will also be able to clap his hands, dance, and even do a backflip.” At press time, MIT had reportedly been forced to shut the project down after it was revealed that a member of the team had previously assisted the man’s movement by inserting their hand into his rectum.
Anonymous ‘New York Times’ Op-Ed Writer To Publish Trump Book #~# The anonymous high-ranking White House official responsible for a New York Times opinion article about a resistance within the Trump administration has written a new book about the president titled A Warning that will be published next month with plans to donate a “substantial portion” of revenues to pro-press organizations. What do you think?
Trump Ties Thousands Of Balloons To White House Roof In Attempt To Sail Away From Impeachment Inquiry #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to evade the escalating Ukraine scandal, President Donald Trump reportedly tied thousands of balloons to the roof of the White House Thursday in order to sail far away from the impeachment inquiry. “The U.S. has turned against me, so it’s time for me to float off to some distant land,” said the president, crouching next to a balustrade on the White House roof and blowing air into balloon after balloon. “All right, Mick [Mulvaney], time for you to jump out the window to lighten the load. Just a few thousand more and I’ll be aloft. If the wind holds, I should make it to Saudi Arabia by morning. Farewell! On to my next great adventure!” At press time, dozens of House GOP members were holding a press conference outside the White House to describe how beautiful and majestic the president looked flying through the air. 
Republicans Storm National Statuary Hall, Demand To Be Allowed Into Elijah Cummings’ Casket #~# WASHINGTON—Staging the protest in response to what they called “a lack of transparency,” House Republicans stormed the National Statuary Hall Thursday, demanding to be allowed inside Elijah Cummings’ casket. “As voting members of Congress, we have an obligation to our constituents to get inside and find out what’s in there—it could be anything,” said Matt Gaetz (R-FL), who explained how a closed-casket viewing went against the very foundations of American democracy while House Minority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA) and Steve King (R-IA) furiously pounded their fists against the coffin. “Right now, it’s an all-Democratic casket. Not even the press are allowed inside. We’ve been knocking all morning and have yet to receive a response, those cowards!” At press time, freaked-out House Republicans were calling for a counter investigation after discovering a body inside the casket.
Study Finds Fewer Americans Than Ever Believe In Snoopy #~# WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the rapidly shifting nature of the country’s demographics, a new Pew Research Center poll released Thursday found that only 60% of Americans believe in Snoopy. “Our data revealed that in the past decade alone, there has been a 15% increase in adults who identify as either doubting or entirely rejecting the literal truth of Snoopy’s existence,” said Pew senior researcher Craig Pujols, citing significant factors in the decline such as science’s role in forcing Americans to question the feasibility of a traditionally defined Snoopy that sleeps atop a doghouse or springs up on his hind legs and dances for joy after hearing a jazz-inflected piano number. “Of course, many in this nation still express faith that Charlie Brown had a pet beagle of some kind and that there are real allegorical lessons to be learned from his battles with the Red Baron—after all, this is still a Peanuts nation we’re talking about.” Pujol also noted that because of the significant historical evidence of Woodstock’s existence, there were far more Americans who expressed the importance of the happy yellow bird’s teachings in leading their lives.
Premiums Drop Sharply For Popular Obamacare Plans #~# Despite repeated Republican attempts to undermine the law and an ongoing lawsuit, the Affordable Care Act’s marketplace will see a 4% drop in premiums for key plans while the number of insurers increases—a sign of further maturity and stability in the imperiled health insurance option. What do you think?
Dak Prescott Gains 80 Pounds, Moves Back In With Parents To Prepare For Role In Chunky Soup Ad #~# DALLAS—Emphasizing his desire to take the appearance seriously, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott reportedly prepared for a role in an upcoming commercial for Campbell’s Chunky Soup by gaining 80 pounds and moving back in with his parents. “It was important to me to be able to come across as a real Chunky Soup consumer,” said the filthy, unshaved Prescott, adding that he wanted to do everything he could to get into the mind of a person who would sit in a half-lit kitchen in the middle of the night as their father made them lukewarm soup out of a can. “I’ve been sleeping less and not drinking water, and I’m waiting to hear back about an application I put in for a part-time job at Best Buy. I just like to give 100% in any job I do. This ad is a great opportunity, and I don’t want to mess it up and look phony by being in shape or happy.” At press time, Prescott had completed his character study by starting a long-distance relationship with a woman he met on an anime subreddit.
Pelicans HR Informs Zion Williamson Knee Surgery Not Covered By Insurance Until 90 Days Into First Season #~# NEW ORLEANS—Delivering the news that he will owe the hospital $15,000 for his torn meniscus, Pelicans HR informed Zion Williamson Wednesday that knee surgery is not covered by insurance until 90 days into his first season. “We know it’s frustrating and probably not what he wants to hear right now, but we’ve got to protect ourselves from anyone trying to join the NBA just for health coverage and then immediately quitting,” said compensation and benefits manager Rob Pluthe, noting that Williamson should have been more careful on the court during the six-month transitional period where he would have no medical coverage. “This is just standard practice; we have to keep costs down, so we can’t go paying for surgeries after someone has been a Pelican for less than a year. He’ll also be docked pay for all the time he’s missing with physical therapy.” Pluthe added that Williamson should be careful even after his insurance kicks in, as their provider does not consider knees to be essential body parts.
Trudeau Wins Second Term #~# Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of Canada will take office for a second term under a minority government despite a series of scandals including the emergence of photographs of him wearing blackface. What do you think?
How Financial Bubbles Work #~# Many experts have warned that the global market is in the midst of a financial bubble that could lead to a crisis, but many people may not understand how such a crisis occurs. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how financial bubbles form, grow, and ultimately burst.
WeWork HR Invites Employees To Sign Goodbye Checks For Departing CEO #~# NEW YORK—Encouraging staffers to give him a good send-off, the WeWork human resources department reportedly invited employees Wednesday to sign goodbye checks for departing CEO Adam Neumann. “Please make sure before you go home today to go to conference room C and sign one of the goodbye checks for Adam, or at least write your name on one of the checks we’re passing around,” read the email from the company’s HR in part, adding that although it wasn’t mandatory, all WeWork employees could easily afford to take a few minutes out of their lunch break to let Neumann know how much he will be missed. “Get creative if you’d like and put a little personalized memo in the message or amount section of your check—something like ‘$500’ or ‘$800.’ Signing a cashier’s check or money order for Adam is a great way to show him you’re thinking of him as he leaves us. We know that when he looks through those checks and sees all the positive amounts you’ve written to him, he’ll really appreciate it.” The email from WeWork HR also requested employees to chip in to give Neumann a little parting gift of a $50-million Starbucks gift card.
Nation’s Moms Get Started On Their Sorta-Funky Witch Costumes #~# AKRON, OH—Laughing as they tried on quirky combinations of colorful wigs and striped thigh-high socks, the nation’s moms announced Wednesday that they had officially begun putting together their sorta-funky witch costumes for Halloween. “This year, I’m going to wear some bright pink eyeshadow, paint my nails blue, and then hand out candy in a big, silly, pointy hat,” said an ecstatic 42-year-old Janet Fersby, who, along with tens of millions of other moms, subsequently announced plans to go to the craft store and pick up some “absolutely kooky” stickers and patches to place all over their fun, colorful skirts. “Also, this year, when kids knock on the door, I’m going to hold a big rainbow cauldron full of candy and do my funny cackle, just like in the movies. And even though I wore them last year, those glow stick bracelets are coming straight out of the supply closet and going onto my funky witch arms.” At press time, the nation’s dads were picking out a regular flannel shirt to wear while taking the kids trick-or-treating.
Kanye West Scrambling To Get Sample Clearance From God Ahead Of ‘Jesus Is King’ Release #~# LOS ANGELES—Growing increasingly panicked after realizing that time was running short, Kanye West was reportedly scrambling this week to get sample clearance from God ahead of the release of Jesus Is King. “We sampled God on pretty much every track, so if He doesn’t sign off, then I’m pretty much screwed,” said West, who expressed concern that the album’s release would be delayed once again if GOOD Music didn’t hear back from God’s people soon. “I actually know Jesus pretty well, so I’m reaching out to him to see if he can help us out. If not, we might have to slow down Mark 1:15, change the pitch of His booming voice a bit, and add some flanger and chorus. But He’ll still know we did it. He always knows.” At press time, a representative for the Supreme Being had informed West that God is very busy.
Chemists Announce Upgraded Periodic Table With Dozens Of New Elements For Just $4 A Month #~# ZURICH—Offering fans a sneak peak of the service at a STEM conference, the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry unveiled Wednesday an updated periodic table with dozens of new elements for just $4 a month. “For the same price as a cup of coffee, die-hard scientists and casual periodic table users alike can gain access to over 40 brand new, unique chemical elements,” said IUPAC spokesperson Richard Simmons, highlighting exclusive elements such as Superiorum, Deluxenic, and Premion. “Beyond our members-only elements, we’ve added hundreds of extra isotopes spread across every group. We’ve also updated some fan favorites, so be sure to check out Antimony 1.5, Iodine Ultra, Big Oxygen, and our modernized take on the noble gases. Plus, subscribers should be on the lookout for easter eggs hidden inside the Lanthanides.” Simmons added that IUPAC will still offer a free version of the periodic table, but users would experience ads between elements.
Poll Finds Buttigieg Rises To Third Place In Iowa #~# Continuing an ascent after last week’s Democratic debate, South Bend mayor Pete Buttigieg is now in third place in Iowa. placing him ahead of Bernie Sanders and behind Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden in the crucial primary state. What do you think?
Badass Adult Education Student Spends Whole Vegetarian Cooking Class Mouthing Off #~# RALEIGH, NC—Disrupting the educational process with successive outbursts unburdened by either decorum or civility, badass adult-education student Colin Halverson spent the entirety of Tuesday evening’s Raleigh Extension Center vegetarian cooking class mouthing off. “That guy clearly didn’t give a shit about the $200 he spent to take this, let alone our time and effort,” said a vegetarian cooking classmate of the bad boy, who spoke on condition of anonymity to avoid verbal retribution, and who noted Halverson’s relentless mocking of the instructor’s clothes and pronunciation of “lasagna.” “I think, at one point, he actually threw Brussels sprouts at the teacher’s head. At first I was, like, what? Get him out of here. But really, it was pretty funny when he pretended that a zucchini was his dick. I hope he’s still in class next week so we can hang and drink more from that flask he snuck in here and make fun of the crocheting class across the hall.” Halverson is currently facing expulsion from the class for blasting Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” from his phone and lighting a cigarette while caramelizing onions. 
Trump Cancels White House Subscription To ‘Highlights’ Over Anti-Goofus Bias #~# WASHINGTON—Shutting down a regular monthly delivery that had been in place since the Truman administration, President Donald Trump canceled the White House’s subscription to Highlights magazine Tuesday over what he deemed to be rampant anti-Goofus bias. “Everyone’s getting on his case all the time—Goofus has been treated very, very unfairly,” said Trump, decrying the 60-year-old children’s magazine’s obvious pro-Gallant agenda while praising Goofus as a bright kid smart enough to look out for number one and who knew how to cut a deal. “‘Gross Gallant’ is no angel either! I hear he’s in bed with some pretty shady figures, I won’t say who. Too bad for Highlights, a once-great publication that has gone downhill in recent years. Unfair that they never publish your drawings when you submit them. Also, I looked at that scene of the kids playing, and the second picture? No differences! None at all! And I was in that terrible maze for hours. Not good. There was clearly no exit.” At press time, Trump had reversed his position and instructed an aide to renew the White House’s subscription after discovering Highlights gave him some positive press by mentioning him in a list of U.S. presidents.
Secret Service Opens Fire On Section Of Slippery Floor That Attempted To Take Out President Carter #~# PLAINS, GA—Responding with deadly force to a threat that left the 39th president of the United States in the hospital, Secret Service agents confirmed they opened fire Monday evening on an expanse of slippery flooring that had made an attempt on the life of Jimmy Carter in his own home. “It’s unclear how a hostile patch of slick tile managed to get so close to President Carter, but upon identifying the wet spot that caused him to fall, we immediately began shooting,” said agent Joseph Pena, who according to federal officials put his own safety on the line, heroically throwing himself atop what appeared to be a juice spill to prevent it from doing any more harm to the 95-year-old Nobel Peace Prize winner. “In the heat of the altercation, there were unfortunately some casualties, with an innocent table lamp lost after taking friendly fire. We are proud to report, however, that the tile that wounded President Carter has been permanently neutralized and no longer poses any danger.” In response to the incident, the Secret Service has reportedly added personnel to Carter’s security detail, assigning separate agents to individually patrol every surface of the former president’s home.
Trump Apologizes For Impeachment Comment After Learning Disturbing History Of 1918 Lynching Of German American Immigrant Robert Prager #~# WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the hurt he had caused, President Donald Trump apologized Tuesday for describing the House impeachment inquiry as a “lynching,” saying he had been unaware of the term’s association with the 1918 murder of Robert Prager, a German American immigrant killed by an angry mob. “I realize now my remark was insensitive, and insulting to the memory of Mr. Prager and those impacted by his tragic death,” said the president, who asked the American people to forgive him, emphasizing how disturbed he had been when a member of his staff told him how Prager had been singled out and killed by coal miners in Illinois during a wartime wave of anti-German sentiment. “Upon learning of this foul act, I have come to understand that lynching represents a deeply troubling chapter in our nation’s past. Going forward, we must make a greater effort to reckon with this difficult part of our history, by which I mean specifically the terrible fate that befell an innocent German man on April 5, 1918. I am truly sorry for any pain my statement may have caused the German American community.” At press time, sources confirmed Trump’s base appeared satisfied with his apology and had no objections to a new tweet in which he compared the impeachment inquiry to “the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.”
Netanyahu Fails To Form New Israeli Government #~# Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu failed to form a new Israeli government, providing an opening for former army chief of staff Benny Gantz to craft a more centrist position. What do you think?
Area Woman Will Have To Be Way More Fucking Pregnant Than That If She Wants To Be Offered Subway Seat #~# NEW YORK—Explaining how she was “barely showing,” local man Kevin Martin told reporters Tuesday that the woman who just got on his subway car will have to be way more fucking pregnant than that if she wants to be offered his seat. “There’s no way I’m standing up and moving for someone who looks like they just got knocked up yesterday,” said Martin of the woman who was eight months pregnant, adding that if she was expecting someone to surrender the comfort of their chair just because she was having a contraction here and there, she was out of her goddamn mind. “What is that thing? Seven or eight pounds? Yeah, sorry lady, but you’d better be ready to pop if you want me to give up this spot that I pushed my way into the train to get. Unless you’re on your way to the hospital, you gotta stand just like everyone else.” At press time, Martin commented that there was “no way in hell” that he was giving up a seat for a blind man who clearly had two eyes.
Tragic: The Man Who Tried To Bring Attention To The Crisis Of Gaming Lag By Sailing Across The Ocean On A PS4 Has Already Drowned #~# Heartbreaking news for any socially conscious gamers out there: Michael Devato, the brave man who tried to warn the world about the crisis of lag in games by sailing across the Atlantic Ocean atop his PS4, has drowned on the first day of his journey.
Poll: Fewer Americans Identifying As Religious #~# The share of Americans who identify as atheist or agnostic has risen 9% in the past decade in tandem with a 12% drop in the percentage that identifies as Christians, the Pew Research Center found. What do you think?
Newly Discovered Scrolls Suggest Jesus Devoured Twin Messiah In Womb #~# JERUSALEM—In a discovery that casts new light on the immaculate conception and subsequent immaculate gestation, biblical archeologists at Cambridge University announced Tuesday that newly translated scrolls suggest that, during fetal development, the as yet unborn Jesus Christ devoured His twin Messiah in the womb. “These ancient writings clearly reveal that God originally intended to have two redeemers of mankind, but at some point during Mary’s pregnancy, the Christ Child consumed His twin,” said prominent theologian Dr. Walter Booth, explaining that while absorbing His weaker, undeveloping twin made Jesus a healthier, stronger, overall more capable savior, the act naturally denied Him a fraternal support system in life and left Him to perform miracles alone. “When translated, the Aramaic texts clearly state that Mary never truly recovered from feeling the two divine lives she carried become only one, which caused her to quietly but intensely resent Jesus for His entire life. We also have to consider the likelihood that Jesus may have never been crucified if His twin brother had been there to protect Him.” Booth also noted that the scrolls suggest that the twin was also brought back from death during the Resurrection, implying that Christ ascended into Heaven alongside a half-developed fetus.
Scientists Discover Oil Originally Buried Deep Underground By Early Humans Desperate To Shield Humanity From Its Consequences #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a stunning revelation that sheds light on the cultural practices of mankind’s early ancestors, a new study published Friday indicates that ancient humans buried crude oil deep underground in a desperate attempt to protect future generations from the grave threat it posed. “It appears that once they discovered petroleum released noxious gases when burned and produced a fuel that tribes would fight to the death to control, early Homo sapiens panicked and tried to seal the substance below the earth’s surface for all time,” said Harvard University anthropologist Benjamin Kessler, who described cave paintings in the Middle East, Europe, and Africa that depict tribesmen choking on clouds of black smoke and murdering one another while frantically pouring a black substance into a deep hole. “Despite their cognitive limitations, Paleolithic humans could reason well enough to understand this mysterious fuel was plunging their world into chaos, so they used their primitive stone tools and dug as far down as they could, often hiding their oil in remote, inhospitable locations such as deserts or the Arctic wilderness. Of course, they assumed no person would ever be foolhardy enough to unseal the unspeakable evil they had buried.” Kessler went on to stress that on hundreds of occasions over the past 50,000 years, a group of humans has failed to heed the warnings of their elders and dug up the hidden oil, causing the long-prophesied cycle of war, pollution, and reburial to play out all over again.
Study Finds Medical Marijuana Effective For Treating Long-Term Pain Over Jerry Garcia’s Death #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding light on a promising way to provide relief from the chronic condition, a study published Monday by Harvard University found that medical marijuana was an effective treatment for long-term pain over Jerry Garcia’s death. “Our data clearly shows that cannabis is extremely beneficial for managing the persistent pain associated with the untimely passing of Grateful Dead frontman Jerry Garcia,” said lead researcher Dr. David Morton, noting that while the cannabinoid compounds present in marijuana can’t cure the aching discomfort caused by the loss of the musical genius, they do demonstrate an ability to considerably numb the pain of recalling the legendary lead guitarist’s tragic 1995 heart attack. “Left untreated, the pain of Jerry Garcia’s death can be debilitating. Many of our patients have been suffering for decades without a way to alleviate the affliction. Fortunately, we now know that medical marijuana can help these people live a more normal life that isn’t consumed by the agony of wondering what brain-melting licks Jerry could have improvised if he just had a little more time on this Earth.” Researchers also confirmed that medical marijuana could also help alleviate feelings of anxiety and fear over Phil Lesh’s eventual death. 
Energy Secretary Rick Perry Resigns #~# Amidst the fallout from his role in the mounting Ukraine scandal, Rick Perry announced his resignation as secretary of energy effective Jan. 1, 2020. What do you think?
Assad Starting To Feel Like Friendship With Tulsi Gabbard One-Sided After She Calls Just To Complain About The Election Again #~# DAMASCUS, SYRIA—Hanging up after yet another 30-minute rant about the Democratic National Committee, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reported Monday that every time White House hopeful Tulsi Gabbard calls him to vent about campaign politics, he feels she’s taking advantage of his friendship. “I like Tulsi, but when we talk, everything’s all about her, as if she’s the only person in the world with problems,” said Assad, adding that it would be nice if once in a while Rep. Gabbard asked how his family or his 8-year-old civil war was going instead of whining about how she continues to trail Sen. Kamala Harris in New Hampshire. “Now there’s this whole thing with Hillary Clinton, and believe me, I’ve had my own problems with Hillary, but you don’t hear me droning on and on about her all the time. At least when [Russian President Vladimir] Putin or [Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali] Khamenei call, they ask me how I’ve been. Tulsi, meanwhile, begins every other sentence with ‘When I’m president,’ and I don’t know how to tell her that’s just not something that’s going to happen for her.” At press time, sources confirmed Assad had put Gabbard on speaker so he could sign off on a few sarin gas attacks while occasionally punctuating the conversation with “Totally” or “Wow, that’s crazy.”
Mark Zuckerberg Argues High Taxes On Wealthy Could Stifle Innovation In Human Suffering #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Warning that progressive Democrats’ plans to fund government projects through tax increases on billionaires would have significant negative consequences, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg reportedly argued Monday that high taxes on the wealthy could stifle innovation in human suffering. “If there’s anything that the rise of Silicon Valley has taught us, it’s that in order to make trailblazing breakthroughs in cruelty and technological oppression, we need to empower the private sector,” said Zuckerberg, adding that without the promise of being able to fund and ultimately make money off of his inventions, he would have never worked to erode civil liberties, invade people’s privacy on a grand scale, and manipulate the democratic process by creating Facebook. “If we want the kind of brutal, intrusive solutions that the market can provide, we can’t punish those who have risen to the top based on their genius at perpetuating human suffering. Take the medical industry for example—sure, government agencies and public-sector grants can help researchers develop lifesaving medicines, but only visionaries driven by the promise of unimaginable wealth can come up with ingenious ways to drive people into cycles of addiction or massive medical debt. If we stifle the creative potential of our country’s most successful business people, think of all the devastation and daily compromises on people’s lives that we may never discover.” Zuckerberg did concede that raising taxes on the richest Americans would help relieve the immense pressure to find innovative ways to hide their wealth from the government.
Director Sadly States Cancel Culture Would Never Let You Make Zapruder Film In Today’s Climate #~# LOS ANGELES—Expressing a longing for past eras that were more tolerant of artistic expression, director Greg Loud sadly reflected Monday that the current climate of cancel culture would likely never let you make the Zapruder film today. “In these highly PC times, there’s no way a classic picture like the Zapruder film would ever get off the ground,” said Loud, telling reporters that the influential and celebrated 1963 film would almost certainly be decried as offensive and overly violent by today’s social justice warriors. “We just live in a day and age where censorship is the norm and everyone is dying to be outraged, so as soon as audiences got one look at John F. Kennedy’s head exploding, the blue checkmark Twitter mob would’ve probably driven Abe Zapruder out of town on a rail.” Loud added that the situation was arguably even worse with comedies, reflecting that with current cultural tastes, the video of the Challenger explosion would likely never have even made it past the pitch stage. 
Drama Queen Waiter Completely Full of Shit About Plate Being Too Hot To Touch #~# KALAMAZOO, MI—Refusing to play along with what he immediately knew to be blatant hyperbole, restaurant patron David Ream, 46, publicly declared Monday evening that his “drama queen” waiter was “completely full of shit” about his dinner plate being too hot to touch. “What a fucking liar,” said Ream, who immediately took issue with the waiter’s explicit warning not to handle the plate with an audibly sizzling sirloin steak as it was set down in front of him. “That plate’s maybe a little hotter than plates usually are, but that’s hardly a reason to deliver a little warning speech. Don’t even get me started on the stupid little hot pads that guy pulled out like he was working at freaking Chernobyl.” At press time, Ream was in intensive care at Kalamazoo’s Bronson Memorial Hospital undergoing emergency treatment for third-degree burns on both of his hands, forearms, thighs, and the inside of his mouth.
Juul Halts Sale Of Fruit-Flavored E-Cigarettes #~# Juul announced Thursday that it would end sales of it popular fruity e-cigarette flavors such as mango, creme, and strawberry ahead of a Trump administration policy expected to ban the product in response to a surge in teenage smoking. What do you think?
Community Holds Vigil Honoring Child Killed Before Having Opportunity To Return Fire #~# WATERLOO, IA—Commemorating a life which came to a sudden tragic end before reaching its true counteroffensive potential, mourners from across the community gathered for a vigil outside a Waterloo-area Walmart Sunday evening to honor the memory of 8-year-old Liam Pike, who was killed in a mass shooting at the store last week before getting a chance to return fire. “Today, we join together to celebrate young Liam, a future straight-shooting hero who was taken from us far too soon,” said Reverend Derek Mullhern of Waterloo Baptist, who consoled Melody Pike, Liam’s mother, in her grief at never getting to see her son grow into a big, strong, good guy with a gun who would surely have fired off several careful shots at the gunman. “Because of the selfish, misguided actions of one undoubtedly disturbed and anomalous individual, Liam will never exercise the God-given right to load a handgun, jump over a table while laying down suppressive fire, grit his teeth, and carefully squeeze the trigger while growling ‘not today.’ It is a tragic day for our community.” The vigil was immediately followed by a second vigil in the northern section of the parking lot to memorialize 32-year-old Robert Wilson, a local history teacher and a good guy with a gun who actually managed to take down the shooter before immediately being shot and killed by police. 
Everything You Need To Know About ‘Luigi's Mansion 3’ #~# Just in time for Halloween, everyone’s favorite ghostbusting plumber is finally back to rid the world of ghosts and mischievous spirits. Here’s everything you need to know about Luigi’s Mansion 3 before its upcoming release.
Music Buff Pissed ‘Come Josephine In My Flying Machine’ Left Off Pitchfork’s ‘Best Of The 1910s’ List #~# PITTSBURGH—Decrying the omission as a blatant attempt to stir up controversy, music buff Miles Sherman told reporters Friday that he was pissed to see Blanche Ring’s “Come Josephine In My Flying Machine” left off Pitchfork’s “Best of the 1910s” decade-ending list. “This is such typical Pitchfork horseshit—you’re seriously telling me the greatest song by Blanche Ring doesn’t even land a mention on their rankings?” said Sherman, shaking his head in disbelief as he noted that you couldn’t take a step in the early 20th century without hearing Victrolas playing Ring’s distinctive soprano as she sang about an aviator taking his dearest gal to the moon in a flying contraption. “Oh, I’m sorry that Blanche goddamn Ring, the queen of the vaudeville circuit, doesn’t meet your oh-so-precious standards for great music. Meanwhile, they’re putting crowd-pleasing crap like ‘Play That Barber-Shop Chord’ and ‘Turn Your Light Off Mister Moon Man’ in the top 10. It’s like, are you fucking kidding me? Jack Norworth? Christ, I had to double-check the page just to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind.” At press time, a visibly exasperated Sherman was questioning whether any of the writers who compiled the list were even alive in 1913 to see the true impact of Ring’s “Yip-I-Addy-I-Ay”.
Trump Miami Resort To Host Next Year’s G-7 #~# President Trump has chosen his Trump Doral golf resort to host the 2020 Group of Seven summit of world leaders, an unprecedented move that drew swift criticism for the president’s choice to award a massive government contract to himself. What do you think?
Mark Zuckerberg Announces All Of Facebook’s Future Decisions Will Be Made By The Cube Of Justice #~# MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to put to rest concerns about the direction of the social media giant, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Friday that all of the company’s future decisions would be made by the Cube Of Justice, which reportedly cannot be questioned nor misled by any mortal means. “We’ve heard your concerns about the content we choose to promote on our platform, and I would like to assure you that The Cube knows all, sees all, and judges all—it is the ultimate arbiter, and from now on, it will tell us the correct course of action in all situations,” said Zuckerberg, standing next to the glowing and softly humming object while neglecting to answer any questions about how The Cube Of Justice was made or where it came from. “It’s not up to any one individual, company, or even government to tell us how to navigate the complicated waters of disinformation and free speech. Only The Cube can answer these questions, and from now on, it will guide us infallibly. All praise be unto its glorious eight corners.” At press time, The Cube had begun emitting a loud screeching noise and was rapidly expanding in size, leading a pale and shaking Zuckerberg to warn that The Cube could not be stopped.
New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth #~# GREENSBORO, NC—Urging consumers to enter now for their chance to take home the dental jackpot of a lifetime, toothpaste giant Crest announced a new sweepstakes Friday in which entrants have a chance to win up to 10 million teeth. “Shoppers have a one-in-ten chance of winning small prizes such as a full set of baby teeth, but only one lucky Crest Pro-Health sweepstakes player will walk away with the full 10 million in incisors, bicuspids, canines, and molars,” a press release from Crest read in part, noting that all prizes under 600 teeth can be redeemed instantly in any of the fine stores where Crest is sold. “The Grand Prize winner may either claim their teeth in one lump sum or receive 250,000 teeth per year for the rest of their life. The second prize is 5 million wisdom teeth, and third prize is 800,000 ceramic veneers. How would having 10 million teeth change your life? You can’t win unless you play!” Crest has thus far declined comment regarding allegations that previous winners regret their windfall, with many currently possessing even fewer teeth than before they won.
Halloween Pop-Up Store Has Pick Of Every Storefront In Rust Belt Town #~# BRIDGEPORT, MI—Saying it would be almost impossible to whittle down all the options, sources confirmed Friday that Halloween pop-up store Spooky City could take its pick of just about any storefront in the rust belt town where it intended to operate until October 31. “Well, I’m seeing a lot of empty windows, so at least we’ll have plenty of room to display our costumes and hopefully lure some folks in,” said Spooky City proprietor Curtis Hawkins, noting that except for the Exxon station, the Goodwill store, and a vape shop, every single retail space he looked at on Main Street was vacant. “I could set up shop in the shuttered Kmart. Looks like I could take just about any place in that strip mall off the interstate, too. I’d use one of these old grocery stores, but they’re all clearly falling down.” At press time, reports confirmed the pop-up store had gone out of business two weeks before Halloween.
Trump Says Syria Situation ‘Not Our Problem’ #~# In a contentious meeting with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, President Trump reportedly claimed the rapidly escalating conflict between Turkey and Syria’s Kurds was “not our problem,” despite most experts concluding it was propelled by his sudden pullback of U.S. troops from the region. What do you think?
Arguments For And Against Filming Live Performances #~# The ubiquity of smartphones has made it easy for people to film live performances, but many audience members and performers themselves criticize the practice. The Onion breaks down the arguments for and against amateur filming of live performances.
NFL Game Day Prepper Stockpiles Coolers Of Bud Light, Hundreds Of Pounds Of Grilled Meat In Underground Bunker #~# CHICAGO—Wearing a Tom Waddle jersey and armed with a pair of tongs, local NFL game day prepper Hank Pritchard reportedly stockpiled coolers of Bud Light and hundreds of pounds of grilled meats Friday in his underground bunker. “People call me paranoid and crazy for keeping a safe room stocked with burgers, beer, and all the fixins, but it’s imperative to be prepared for any kind of game day emergency,” said Pritchard, 60, showing off the underground bunker outfitted with six George Foreman grills, a chest freezer, 10 crock-pots, a 70-inch 4K TV, two smaller TVs for viewing games concurrently, a La-Z-Boy recliner, a meat smoker, and dozens of framed photographs of Soldier Field. “You never know what could happen when the game starts. People throw an extra pack of brats on the grill and think everything will be okay, but what if the Bears-Saints game goes into overtime? I have at least 500 hot dogs, 200 pounds of Velveeta, 40 bags of chips, and dozens of 30 bricks of light beer on hand at all times. People laugh, but we’ll see who’s laughing when the Super Bowl rolls around and my bunker is the only place around with five-alarm chili.” At press time, an increasingly isolated and aggressive Pritchard confirmed plans to barricade himself in the bunker until the Bears are done for the season.
Mark Zuckerberg Delivers Free Speech Manifesto #~# As his platform draws criticism for spreading false information and extremism, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg delivered a free speech-based speech via Facebook Live that he called “the most comprehensive take I’ve written about my views, why I believe voice is important, [and] how giving people voice and bringing people together go hand in hand.” What do you think?
Aggressive Flagellate Just Going Around Whipping Other Single-Celled Organisms #~# BOCA RATON, FL—Succumbing to its inherent lash-based nature by releasing its hostility on innocent microorganisms, an aggressive flagellate was observed just going around its shared petri dish Thursday whipping other single-celled organisms. “I was just suspended in solution here—just like any other day—minding my own business and trying to undergo binary fission and reproduce, when this fucking asshole drifts up and starts smacking everyone with its flagellum,” a unicellular Closterium told authorities, claiming that even larger tardigrades were becoming agitated beyond the point of mere Brownian motion by the rude flagellate’s habit of striking out wildly and attacking others for no apparent reason. “And I have to say, it really stings when the flagellum hits you, especially when you’ve got just the one cell to protect yourself. Thank God I’ll only be alive for a few more hours of this.” At press time, all unicellular organisms in the area have resumed their peaceful routines upon learning that an amoeboid protozoan has “taught the flagellate a lesson” by engulfing and digesting it.
Solemn Jeff Bezos Realizes He Could End Up Like Homeless Man If Just Few Hundred Thousand Things Go Wrong #~# SEATTLE—Beginning to accept just how close to financial hardship he truly was, a solemn Jeff Bezos realized Thursday that he could end up like a homeless man living on the street if just a few hundred thousand things went wrong. “Christ, if only 100,000 to 200,000 things don’t go my way, that could be me,” said the world’s richest man, adding that a total collapse of the world economy, a severe psychotic break, and a devastating environmental catastrophe could lead to the CEO falling through society’s cracks and sleeping each night in a cardboard box. “I could suddenly lose my job, my health insurance, my mansions, my planes, become addicted to every drug, break every bone in my body, be arrested for arson, and deal with the fallout of a mass amnesia where nobody knows me, and then I’m left completely penniless with nowhere to go. It really is only by the grace of God that none of those things plus a few million others have not yet happened to me.” At press time, just to be safe, Bezos was meeting with Amazon’s board of directors to discuss further cuts to employee benefits.
RoseArt Recalls Colored Pencils After Hundreds Of Kids Sucked Into Magical Drawing World #~# LIVINGSTON, NJ—Warning parents about the dangers of a powerful imagination, RoseArt announced Thursday a recall of all colored pencils after hundreds of children were sucked into magical drawing worlds of their own creation. “We received nearly 800 reports of children being swept up in a vortex of bright colors and pulled into their sketchpad, where they became trapped in the fanciful illustrations they had drawn using our product,” said spokesperson Belinda Clarke, adding that, effective immediately, consumers must provide valid ID to purchase RoseArt supplies and that all boxes of colored pencils would now include a warning label urging the user to exercise extreme caution when sketching. “Children have been injured and, yes, even killed inside their enchanted pictures while battling robots and dragons, crashing nonfunctional 7-wheeled vehicles, or drowning in bodies of water after failing to draw a shoreline. We can only imagine the horror a parent must feel to pick up a notepad and discover a rendering of their child banging against the page. Please supervise your children’s drawing time, and if at all possible, teach them how to draw a weapon so they can defend themselves if they end up stuck inside a fantastical world where everything they draw comes to life.” Clarke also confirmed that RoseArt would not offer refunds to adult consumers who drew erotic images in hopes of getting pulled into a sexy illustrated dreamscape.
John Bolton Called Trump Ukraine Deal A ‘Drug Deal’ #~# Former national security adviser John Bolton was disturbed by President Trump’s efforts to start a Ukrainian investigation into his political opponents, calling it a “drug deal” and asking to have it reported to White House lawyers, a former White House official reportedly told Congress. What do you think?
Resistance Democrats Cheer Nancy Pelosi After Viral Photo Surfaces Of Her Sitting Quietly And Deferring To Room Of Corporate Lobbyists #~# WASHINGTON—Erupting in praise after the House Speaker set the image as her Twitter account’s header photo, resistance Democrats cheered Nancy Pelosi online Thursday after a viral moment emerged of her sitting quietly and deferring to a roomful of corporate lobbyists. “You get that bread, bitch!” said Twitter user elaine4progress, one of thousands of anti-Trump accounts that immediately responded with an outpouring of retweets and “Make it rain!” comments to applaud the House Speaker’s commitment to reassuring business leaders from Goldman Sachs and Berkshire Group that their concerns were being heard. “Hell yes, succumb to corporate pressure, queen! The Democratic war chest is bae.” At press time, the hashtags #GirlBoss and #FillThoseCoffers were trending on social media after Pelosi uploaded a photo of the $10,000 check she had received from corporate bundlers.
Man Starting To Think Addams Family Not Like Other Families #~# MIAMI—Watching carefully as the early scenes introduced each member of the household, local moviegoer Scott Piebenga reported Thursday that he was beginning to suspect the group of oddly dressed characters at the center of the new animated film The Addams Family was not like most families. “With a name like Addams, I just assumed this was going to be a traditional all-American family, but now I find myself wondering if they aren’t all just a little bit off in some way,” said Piebenga, noting that each person living in the sprawling Gothic home seemed to have tastes, appearances, and personality quirks that were unusual compared with what you might ordinarily see. “I can’t quite put my finger on it. The mother seemed kind of normal at first, if maybe a little too beautiful, but that cousin of theirs is way, way out there. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions here, but it’s almost as if there’s something a bit macabre about this whole extended family.” At press time, Piebenga had reportedly left halfway through the film after concluding the characters on screen were altogether far too “ooky” for him to continue.
PlayStation 5 Confirmed For Holiday 2020 #~# As the next-generation console war heats up, Sony Entertainment has confirmed that their next console, now officially dubbed the Playstation 5, will be released during 2020’s holiday season with overhauled specifications, haptic feedback, and an expanded user interface. What do you think?
‘You’ll Never Take Me Alive!’ Shouts Giuliani Jumping Onto Chandelier And Immediately Falling 3 Stories #~# NEW YORK—Leaping from a bannister on the upper story of a Manhattan luxury hotel, the president’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani reportedly shouted “you’ll never take me alive!” Wednesday before jumping towards a chandelier and immediately falling three stories onto the floor below. “Good luck catching me as I disappear like a ghost in the wind—ha, ha, you can’t catch someone who never existed! Sayonara, suckers,” said the former New York City mayor, who, moments before, had scrambled up the hotel’s guardrail after watching a CNN report implicating him in the Trump Ukraine scandal, his fingers grazing the very bottom of the ornate light fixture as he plummeted downward, smashing into the marble floor with a dull, wet thud. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Oh god, my fucking back. It hurts so bad. Ah, Jesus Christ.” At press time, the hotel’s guests were politely sidestepping a bleeding and toothless Giuliani as he painfully crawled under a grand piano to hide from the authorities.
Trump Supporter Comes Away From Democratic Debate With Pretty Clear Idea Of Which Candidate He’s Going To Kill #~# LANCASTER, OH—Admitting that he had been struggling to identify which candidate he preferred, local Trump supporter James Brimhall told reporters Wednesday that he came away from the Democratic debates with a more clear idea of who he wanted to kill. “Early on, I thought it was definitely going to be Biden, but a lot of other candidates made great points about why they needed to be killed to save America, so I was really torn,” said Brimhall, who claimed hearing Bernie Sanders’ arguments for universal healthcare put him at the top of his list for a few months. “I was actually flirting with Andrew Yang for a bit—his freedom dividend seems like exactly the kind of idea I need to cleanse from the face of the Earth, but there wasn’t much beyond that. I’m honestly leaning towards Warren now. She has a lot of proposals, and her fire during the debate really stood out as something I would want to destroy. Plus, I like that she’s a woman.” Brimhall added that we would probably hold off making his final decision until after President Trump singles one out as an enemy of America.
Cyberbullying Alert: Gamers Are Ganging Up To Harass This Defenseless Chinese Communist Party Leader #~# Looks like gaming’s toxic bullying culture has once again reared its ugly head: A group of trolls in the gamer community has sadly taken it upon themselves to relentlessly harass an utterly defenseless Chinese leader, all for the crime of speaking his mind. Not a good look, gamers.
Scientists Pretending To Be Interested In Kicker Offering Up Brain For Research #~# BOSTON—Grinning widely as they thanked him for all the breakthroughs this would surely lead to, researchers from Boston University’s CTE Center politely pretended Wednesday that they were interested in football kicker Justin Tucker’s offer to donate his brain for research. “Oh, yeah! That’s so generous of you, that will definitely help us, for sure,” said the research team, nodding and glancing at each other as the Baltimore Ravens’ kicker expressed how important it was to him to be able to contribute to their work through this gesture. “We’ve never done a kicker brain before! There’s lots to learn, so it’s going to definitely go a long way. We’ll keep in touch with you about this, yeah. 100%.” At press time, the researchers were telling Tucker he could really do some good by putting them in touch with former Raven Ray Lewis.
Americans Tune Into Fourth Democratic Debate #~# Amidst a whirlwind of impeachment news, health scares, and scandals, 12 presidential candidates attended the fourth Democratic debate last night, giving viewers one of their last chances to see the breadth of the field before rising requirements force more to drop out. What do you think?
Gun Salesman Invites Customer To Take AR-15 For Spin Around Neighborhood #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Claiming that putting the rifle through its paces was the best way to determine if the military-grade semiautomatic model was the right firearm for them, Black Hill Firearms salesman John Boland invited a customer to take an AR-15 he was eyeing for a spin around the neighborhood. “Just take it out for, say, 45 minutes, maybe an hour, and fire off a few rounds to see how it handles—if you don’t like it, come right back and we’ll be more than happy to let you try out another one,” said Boland, noting that if the synagogue across the street wasn’t their sort of thing, there was a Mexican-majority elementary school just down the block they could get to in just a few minutes. “I have one of these, and I personally love the looks I get from people when they see me with it. This particular one is pre-owned; a little old lady used to have it and would only take it to the store once a week, so it’s still in great condition. I promise that once you feel the power and the way it just makes you feel like the king of the world, you’re going to fall in love with this beauty.” Reports from first responders at the scene indicate that the AR-15 performed exceptionally well.
Pros And Cons Of Whistleblowing #~# A government whistleblower who revealed President Trump discussed investigating the family of political rival Joe Biden with the president of Ukraine has put a spotlight on the controversial practice of whistleblowing, which reveals misdeeds not only in government but in businesses and other organizations. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of whistleblowing.
Bounty Unveils New Ultra-Thin Paper Towels For More Natural Feeling While Wiping Up Spills #~# CINCINNATI—Promising a more palpable, tactile way to clean up everything from the smallest, most intimate spills to the largest and most textured of messes, Bounty officials unveiled a new line of new ultra-thin paper towels Wednesday designed to provide a more natural feeling while wiping up household spills. “With Bounty Ultra-Thin, wipers who sop up a puddle of soda or dab a red wine stain dry will feel like nothing comes between them and their spills,” a press release from Bounty read in part, also noting that the thick, numbing sensation of using standard paper towels made it impossible to feel the satisfyingly wet, warm sensations of cleaning hot coffee from a countertop. “When using Bounty Ultra-Thin Paper Towels, you feel every carrot, every pea, every noodle in your upended soup almost as if it’s right there pressing up against your skin. And our premium high-quality materials ensure that there is no need to worry about tearing, so you can feel free to wipe and wipe and wipe any surface you want while getting your sloppy mess off.” Bounty also released a line of Magnum oversized paper towels for hands larger than 8 inches.
Man Can’t Look At Angel Flying Down From Heaven To Save Drowning Child And Not Feel Like There Must Be Some Higher Power Out There #~# SAINT IGNACE, MI—As a divine chorus pealed forth in joy and triumph from the sky above the lake, contractor Charles Taylor admitted that he could never behold the sight of an angel flying down from Heaven to save a drowning little boy without experiencing the almost overwhelming feeling that there must be some sort of higher power at work in the universe. “I’m normally what you might call a skeptical man, but when I witness the sky open in a burst of healing white radiance in which I behold the countenance of an undeniably divine celestial being, I can’t help but wonder if there may be something bigger than all of us,” said Taylor, evidently lost in thought at the possibility of a great design at work in the universe as an unutterably beautiful angel descended upon wings of the purest light to lift a flailing, half-conscious child into its luminous embrace. “I don’t know…maybe I’m just seeing what I want to see in this ethereal winged creature. But there are moments in life; small, still moments of reflection, like a baby laughing, or a smile from a stranger, or maybe that angel clad in numinous glory over there, the one who just restored a child to life and delivered it from watery oblivion to solid ground. It’s enough to make me think that just maybe there’s something more than just this little life of ours.” Taylor reportedly left the scene before he could comment on the angel’s decision to smite over three dozen souls from the lake with a flaming sword for the sins of sodomy, usury, and failing to observe the Sabbath.
Bernie Sanders Renounces Call For Economic Equality After Brush With Death Teaches Him Money Isn’t Everything #~# WESTERVILLE, OH—Revealing that his heart attack left him worried that he’s spent too much time obsessed with things that do not matter, Bernie Sanders renounced his past call for economic equality during Tuesday night’s debate after his brush with death taught him that money is not everything. “I’ve spent 50 years worrying about money, but now I realize that fair wages and housing are not really important—it’s people and relationships, it’s living in this moment right now,” said Sanders, who admitted that recovering from his surgery provided an opportunity to think about how true wealth and power does not come from money; it comes from having a devoted family. “I encourage my supporters to forget about all that nonsense about income inequality. I was all ‘jobs, jobs, jobs.’ Why was I so obsessed with work and material wellbeing? I wanted a wealth tax, but you can’t put a dollar value on a sunset. Money for college won’t buy you a baby’s smile. I’ve wasted my life fighting for a massive transfer of wealth, so now I’m fighting for a massive transfer of love.” At press time, Sanders had walked over to hug a stunned Beto O’Rourke and told him he loves him.
Tom Steyer Upgrades To Luxury-Class Debate Section With Hot Towels, Beverage Service #~# WESTERVILLE, OH—Accepting the offer of soft cashmere blanket and complimentary hot fudge sundae, Tom Steyer upgraded to the luxury section of the Democratic debate Tuesday night, complete with hot towels and beverage service. “We like to make sure our high-end candidates like Mr. Steyer are well taken care of, whether we’re providing them white truffle macadamia nuts to snack on or the mid-debate massage and face mask,” said DNC chair Tom Perez, who revealed luxury-class debaters would sit behind a leather-topped podium made of exotic cherry wood while receiving soft questions on the economy and climate change tailored specifically to their status. “Of course, regular debaters are not permitted past the luxury-class curtain on stage, as we do not want any interruptions while Mr. Steyer dines on a dry-aged ribeye and his choice of either champagne or a snifter of Glenlivet 25. Luxury members can also exercise the options to get 30 minutes of uninterrupted stage time with the moderators.” At press time, Steyer was relieving himself using the section’s pre-warmed luxury bidet.
CNN Moderator Desk Crowded After 16 Pundits Qualify For Debate #~# WESTERVILLE, OH—Jockeying to have their questions heard over the other anchors and journalists crowded around the table’s microphones, 16 pundits reportedly crowded the CNN moderator desk Tuesday night after qualifying for the fourth democratic debate. “Mr. Sanders, what do you say to concerns about your health after—Excuse me, Mr. Cooper, let me finish my question,” said Chris Cuomo, raising his voice and elbowing his way towards the microphone to cut off Fareed Zakaria, Erin Burnett, Brooke Baldwin, and nearly a dozen other CNN news hosts and interviewers who secured a seat at the densely packed table by polling above 2% among cable viewers. “Sir! Sir! Let me just ask the former vice president one last thing about his son’s dealings with Burisma. I’ve earned my place at this desk tonight, and I can’t help but wonder why Don Lemon is getting the lion’s share of the time to address the candidates. Why not allow the American people to decide which of our moderation styles they prefer?” At press time, all 16 moderators had shifted into their closing question and were speaking in unison to ask exactly how the candidates would pay for their ambitious proposals without raising taxes on the middle class.
‘Oh Goddamnit,’ Says Pete Buttigieg After Realizing None Of Opponents Dressed Up For Pre-Halloween Debate #~# WESTERVILLE, OH—Immediately freezing as he glanced around the stage at his choice of apparel, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg reportedly muttered, “Oh, goddamnit,” under his breath Tuesday after realizing none of his opponents had dressed up for the debate. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me—I’m the only one who put together a costume?” said the South Bend mayor, growing visibly frustrated as he looked to either side to see that both Cory Booker and Bernie Sanders had attended the debate in a suit and tie, before slowly setting his costume’s oil can and tinfoil hat down on the podium. “I mean, seriously? It’s a few weeks before Halloween and no one even thought to dress up as the Wolfman or something? It’s not like I was taking this costume seriously, but Jesus Christ, I just thought it’d be a nice way for everyone to lighten the mood. Shit. I must look like a complete idiot up here.” At press time, Buttigieg had begun responding to moderator Erin Burnett’s question about his campaign platform by stressing that America only needed to “find their heart” before cutting himself off in annoyance and telling her to just forget the whole goddamn thing.
Blizzard Entertainment Faces Public Backlash For Banning Esports Champion #~# After an outcry from players for a move widely perceived as bowing to Chinese censorship, Blizzard Entertainment has decreased the ban of Heathstone player Blitzchung from 12 months to 6 months and allowed him to keep the $10,000 in winnings of which he had initially been stripped. What do you think?
Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good #~# PITTSFIELD, IL—Questioning exactly how the marsupial even made its way to such a small roadside attraction, local father Kyle Conrad, 43, confirmed Tuesday that a kangaroo at the Sherman Farm’s Petting Zoo could not possibly be a good thing. “Man, there’s no way that a kangaroo should just be sitting in a dirty pen at some guy’s farm, right?” said Conrad, stressing that there was no reason to believe the zoo’s sole handler had any idea how to care for an Australian mammal like this one, which was crouched next to a bale of hay alongside enclosures containing a pig, several goats, and a Shetland pony. “I’m assuming that a kangaroo should be jumping around all over the place if he’s healthy. This one hasn’t really moved since we got here. You’re definitely not supposed to just let kids feed pellets to it, either. Jeez, this seems pretty bad.” At press time, Conrad’s concern had dramatically escalated after overhearing the petting zoo’s owner repeatedly refer to the kangaroo as a dingo.
NBA Quietly Waiting For NFL To Fuck Up And Take Some Heat Off #~# NEW YORK—Hoping that it was just a matter of time for some sort of scandal to draw attention away from the recent controversy with China, sources reported Tuesday that NBA commissioner Adam Silver is waiting quietly for the NFL to fuck up and take some heat off. “I’m sure they have some domestic abuse allegations out there to bungle and then we are in the clear,” said Silver, noting that the NFL officiating controversy seemed to have legs but still didn’t make a dent in the NBA’s recent negative coverage. “Maybe I can push someone to leak another damning study on concussions, because I don’t know how much more scrutiny we can take. Something like the Ray Lewis or Aaron Hernandez murders would be great. At the very least, someone could ask anybody in the NFL what they think about China. I’m sure they would forget about us in a second.” Silver added that as long as they kept their heads down and remained optimistic, next week might finally be the moment when a player dies on the field during a live NFL broadcast.
Hunter Biden Admits It Was Poor Judgment To Be Involved With Corrupt Biden Family #~# WESTERVILLE, OH—In a television interview where he conceded that he had made some significant mistakes, Hunter Biden admitted Tuesday it was poor judgment on his part to be involved with the corrupt Biden family. “Now that I’ve had time to step back and take stock, it’s clear to me that due to the numerous improprieties swirling around them, I never should have gotten involved with the Biden family in the first place,” said Hunter, 49, adding that although he believed his conduct and that of the Bidens fell short of anything illegal, members of the family were clearly involved in shady financial dealings and questionable foreign entanglements, and he should have steered clear altogether. “When I received a position in the Biden family, I was obviously afforded a great deal of power and opportunity, and all that opulence got the better of me. When you’re in that deep, sometimes you don’t see how bad things really are. I understand that I’m under more scrutiny that most people, and to be publicly involved with the Biden family gives the appearance that I’ve done things the American people wouldn’t approve of. I take full responsibility for my involvement with the Bidens, and I’m sorry.” Hunter added that he sought to rise above any further scrutiny by announcing that he was stepping down from the Biden family
911 Operator Informs Black Caller That Death Is On The Way #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Reassuring the man that he would receive an immediate response to his emergency, a 911 operator reportedly informed local black caller Jerry Wardell Tuesday that death was on the way. “Thank you for calling 911, please sit tight and don’t worry, first responders will be there to end your life shortly,” said the 911 operator after confirming what Wardell looked like, as well as the identities of others present at the emergency situation, in order to arrange for sufficient agents of death to ensure the expiration of every black life present. “We’ve already dispatched several liquidators into the field, so just remain calm and you should be dead within 10 minutes. If you stay on the line, I’ll be able to talk you through your last breaths and make sure that we’re able to bring you and your loved ones a swift termination.” At press time, the 911 operator was advising the frantic black caller to move to a location where the responding officers would be able to clearly shoot him. 
State-Of-The-Art PA System Squandered On Lutheran Church #~# BRANSON, MO—Questioning the motivation and financial wisdom of the recent investment on the part of Blessed Hope Lutheran, parishioners and concerned locals alike confirmed Tuesday that a new, state-of-the-art PA system was “completely squandered” on the church. “Everyone knows that the singing here is nothing to write home about and certainly doesn’t deserve this crystal-clear sound,” said usher David Humphries, 46, gesturing to an array of multiple speakers, high-end microphones, and subwoofers of a quality more commonly found in a dance club than a house of worship. “The new setup allows you to catch every word of the sermon, which, okay, good, sure, but you have to wonder if having a fully functioning lighting system is completely necessary. Also, I don’t want to covet my neighbor’s equipment, but...holy shit, this is a brand new Nord Electro 6. Those babies cost a nice chunk of change!” Disappointed congregants added that Blessed Hope hasn’t even attempted to add a nice flair to their otherwise dreary bake sale announcements by taking advantage of air horn effects built into the cutting-edge soundboard.
Dog Ownership Linked To Longer Life #~# Research published in Circulation: Cardiovascular Quality And Outcomes found that dog owners who suffered a stroke or heart attack had a roughly 30% lower chance of death than those without dogs. What do you think?
Patriotism FTW: ‘Call Of Duty: Mobile’ Will Now Only Allow Guns To Be Used By Players On American Side #~# When Activision first released Call Of Duty: Mobile early this month, fans were psyched to have the iconic first-player shooter optimized for Android and iPhone. Now it looks like there’s even more to get excited about, because the developers just revealed that an upcoming update for the game will only allow players on the American side to wield or use firearms. Hell yeah!
Encouraged Marine Biologists Project Oceans Will Be Nice, Simmering Seafood Bisque By 2040 #~# KINGSTON, RI—Explaining that their recent findings indicated that climate change would have some positive effects on the environment, encouraged marine biologists at the University of Rhode Island projected Tuesday that the planet’s oceans will be a nice, simmering seafood bisque by 2040. “Within the next 20 years or so, we expect that global temperatures will have increased to the point that the majority of the ocean will be a delicious, hearty broth filled with perfectly cooked chunks of octopus, crab, and dolphin,” said marine biologist Carol Degner, adding that as long as humanity continues to warm the Earth at its current rate, people would be able to run down to almost any coastline on the planet with a ladle and a warm crust of garlic bread to dine on the bubbling, creamy dish. “Obviously, the soup’s contents will vary by geography—we’ll be seeing more swordfish and king mackerel in the Atlantic soup, lots of angel sharks and halibut in the Pacific soup, and some delicacies like slow-cooked walrus from the Arctic soup region. We suggest preparing for it by commandeering boats to travel out into the ocean now and start sprinkling in red pepper flakes or cajun seasoning so that by 2040, the ocean really hits the spot. The only real downside is that humanity may quickly deplete the planet’s supply of bread bowls.” The marine biologists did warn, however, that if the soup ends up being too good, it could lead to sea levels dropping precipitously.
Shepard Smith Abruptly Departs Fox News #~# Fox newscaster Shepard Smith abruptly announced his departure from Fox News last week due to rising tensions between the fact-based broadcaster and opinion broadcasters like Sean Hannity. What do you think?
Report: You May Not Remember Mom’s Friend, But Mom’s Friend Sure Remembers You #~# NASHVILLE, TN—In a new report that reveals she has really enjoyed seeing pictures of you growing up over the years, sources indicated Monday that while you may not remember your mother’s friend, your mother’s friend sure does remember you. “I held you in my arms when you were just a tiny newborn baby, but it’s been so long since I’ve visited, you might not remember my name,” your mom’s friend is quoted as saying in the report, which also indicates that you were only yea high the last time she saw you and have really shot up these past few years. “I’m Jane. Gosh, it seems like it was just yesterday we were playing with Legos and you were calling me Auntie Jane. How are you these days? Are you still into computers?” According to the report, your mom’s friend went on to remark upon how nice your beard looks and ask how long you’ve been wearing it that way.
Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that they wanted to put their commitment to oppression in writing so that everyone knew where they stood, the nation’s CEOs signed a pledge Monday to continue fucking over Americans. “As the business leaders of this country, we promise to never, ever stop fighting to ensure that the vast majority of Americans aren’t able to afford the products they need or live the life they want,” read the letter signed by the CEOs of all Fortune 500 companies, including Walmart’s Doug McMillon, ExxonMobil’s Darren Woods, Apple’s Tim Cook, Berkshire Hathaway’s Warren Buffet, Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, and hundreds of other chief executives across the country, who confirmed they had all agreed to step down from their positions if they ever wavered from their vow to condemn tens of millions of Americans to poverty in order to enrich themselves. “While executives have held these unspoken views for generations, it was important to us to enshrine them in a public document that lets all Americans know that we will stop at nothing to make their lives a living hell. We promise to do everything we can to limit Americans’ opportunities to build a better life for themselves and their families, to operate exclusively in our self-interest, and to prevent anyone from ever holding us accountable.” The letter reportedly received wide bipartisan support from hundreds of the nation’s elected officials, who vowed to continue working with business leaders on their shared goal of screwing over the country’s working class.
Jubilant ISIS Prisoners Hail American Liberators #~# AIN ISSA, SYRIA—As they streamed out of detention camps in northern Syria following U.S. withdrawal of military support in the region, jubilant ISIS prisoners on Monday hailed their American liberators. “We never thought we’d see the day when someone would finally stand up for us and free us from the Syrian Democratic Forces’ clutches,” said ISIS member Mohsin Al-Lateef as hundreds of his recently liberated fellow jihadist militants praised President Donald Trump and raised American flags in tribute to their emancipators. “For years, we opposed the United States for their intervention in our lands, but now we see that they strongly believe in our mission to establish a caliphate across our ancient lands and put infidels to death. We will honor the U.S. for not only standing down in support of our fight against the Syrian Kurds but for stoking chaos in the region to give us a chance to regroup and re-emerge stronger than ever before. God bless America!” At press time, President Trump had shared a video of the liberated ISIS prisoners celebrating and thanked them for their support.
Nation’s Indigenous People Confirm They Don’t Need Special Holiday, Just Large Swaths Of Land Returned Immediately #~# WASHINGTON—Affirming the importance of traditions like Columbus Day to other Americans, the nation’s 573 federally recognized Indian nations released a joint statement Monday confirming they don’t need a special holiday and would be perfectly fine with just having large swaths of land returned to them immediately. “Look, we get why Christopher Columbus is very important to some people, and we’re more than willing to compromise so long as the U.S. government returns 1.5 billion acres of land to us as soon as they can,” said Chief Harold Longtoe Ouimette, 63, an Abenaki elder who confirmed that although marching in a parade honoring Native peoples might be interesting, the group of indigenous tribes would vastly prefer if U.S. residents could just vacate Manhattan, the Black Hills, and thousands of other sites taken from them through broken treaties, coercion, and violence. “Obviously, honoring someone who caused a mass genocide is still troubling, but we’re seriously open to letting that slide if we get back, say, the continent that you stole from us. That or $35 trillion. Your choice, honestly.” At press time, the U.S. government had responded to the Native peoples’ request with an offer of $5 in lump silver per person and a box of the finest cloth ever purveyed in Europe.
‘I Built This,’ Whispers Social Media Manager Beholding His Empire Of Successful Fuddruckers Tweets #~# HOUSTON—Marveling at the glorious majesty of what he had created, social media manager Ryan McCann reportedly whispered “I built this” Monday while beholding his vast empire of successful Fuddruckers tweets. “All should gaze in awe and wonder at the brand-affirming Twitter content I hath wrought,” said McCann, scrolling through the fast-casual hamburger chain’s Twitter feed with quiet certitude that historians will one day study the abundant genius on display in the meme he crafted of American Gothic but with a burger sitting atop the pitchfork. “Even after this mortal form I inhabit turns to dust, these tweets will live on, an eternal monument to my legacy and the gourmet yet affordable burgers that Fuddruckers offers. I serve as merely a vessel of divine inspiration, and Twitter be my canvas. All hail Fuddruckers, all hail me!” At press time, McCann’s boss asked him to delete several tweets that failed to accurately convey the “Fuddruckers ethos.”
Conspiracy Theory Wastes No Time Getting Racist #~# CARSON CITY, NV—Remarking at the social media user’s ability to immediately cut to the chase, sources confirmed Monday that a conspiracy theory posted on Reddit wasted absolutely no time getting racist. “Man, this guy didn’t even spend a complete sentence describing the cabal of globalists controlling world affairs before going full-tilt with this stuff about ‘Jew bankers’ and ‘intellectual inferiority,’” reported sources, noting that conspiracy theorists usually have the decency to make you read between the lines with references to George Soros or bankers, but this one just jumped warp-speed into calling out the “mongrelization” of the United States genetic pool. “For Christ’s sake, he could have at least buried some of these slurs. I’m only a few paragraphs in and he’s straight-up listing off the science of race. Honestly, I’m kind of insulted this guy doesn’t have enough faith in me to pick up on why ‘Western Civilization needs defending.’” The sources also stressed that despite the manifesto’s lack of nuance, it did make a few pretty good points.
Report: Looks Like Ex Gained Some Weight Ever Since They Started Dating Someone Better #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Suggesting the breakup really left its mark on them, a new report published Monday has concluded that it sure looks like your ex gained some weight once they started dating someone much better than you. “Our findings indicate that as soon as your ex found someone who actually makes them happy, they must have put on four, maybe even five pounds,” the report read in part, citing as evidence your ex’s slightly fuller cheeks, which can be seen on social media in dozens of photos in which they appear smiling alongside a new significant other who truly values and supports them. “In fact, it seems they are no longer underweight at all, their once-hollow, sunken eyes having attained a vigorous new glow in the months since they became involved with a more mature and emotionally secure person. This weight gain certainly won’t be an asset if your ex ever wishes to date someone besides this one person who loves them and has taken them on lots of fun dates and even a trip to Bali, which couldn’t have been cheap.” The report went on to state that you must feel like you really dodged a bullet with that one.
For Its 33rd Year, OGN Adamantly Refuses To Report On The Pinball Expo ‘Flip Out’ Tournament Or Any Pinball-Related News #~# Since its inception, the Onion Gamers Network has prided itself on being the number-one source for all gaming-related news, bringing our readers the latest stories and updates from major players like Microsoft and Nintendo, as well as minor but noteworthy releases from a host of independent developers. In short, we have striven to cover every corner of the gaming world. What we have not done, and will never do, is report on the Chicago Pinball Expo’s signature competitive event or any news whatsoever pertaining to pinball, which we do not consider to be a game but rather a misbegotten abomination.
CDC Finds STDs At All-Time High #~# A new CDC report found that combined incidences of syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia in the U.S. reached an all-time high in the last year with more than 2.4 million cases. What do you think?
Department Of Education Vows To Crack Down On Cocky Little Assholes Who Hand In Test Early #~# WASHINGTON—Vowing to take a stand against the smarmy fucks who must think they’re some kind of hot shit, the U.S. Department of Education announced Monday that it would crack down on cocky little assholes who hand in their test early. “The American public school system will no longer tolerate any student who dares to saunter up to the front of the classroom, slam their assignment on their teacher’s desk, and flash a shit-eating grin while saying ‘Wow, that was so easy,’” said deputy secretary to the Department of Education Mick Zais, adding that those who hum to themselves, yawn, or loudly open personal reading materials after turning in their tests with 20 minutes left on the clock will receive an automatic failing grade. “From today onward, any student who smugly asks the teacher for extra work or whines that they already checked their answers three times will be swiftly punished. Also, if a teacher catches some arrogant little turd high-fiving another high-achieving student in their classroom, they have the power to suspend them. Indefinitely.” At press time, Zais announced the Department of Education would also be cracking down on students who earned perfect scores on tests by punishing them with immediate expulsion.
Middle School Boy Assumes Crush Staring Into His Eyes During Slow Dance Waiting For Him To Make Fart Noises With Hands #~# LANSING, MI—Encouraged by what he interpreted as “pretty strong signals,” 12-year-old middle school student Brian Foster assumed Friday that Rebecca Saunders, his longtime crush who had spent his middle school’s homecoming dance staring into his eyes, must obviously be waiting for him to make a series of fart noises with his hands. “Having practiced so many times at home, I felt fairly confident going in, but honestly, I was still a little nervous,” said Foster, who carefully wiped just enough sweat from his palms to ensure an entertainingly accurate recreation of human flatulence. “When I saw Rebecca start to smile and lean in close, I thought, all right, this is the moment, this is what she wants right now. I considered slipping my hand into my armpit, but then that slow song started to play and I somehow sensed that even though it was far more difficult, I had to make those quieter squeaky farts using my hands, just for the two of us.” At press time, Saunders was seen on the other side of the gymnasium making out with someone else.
‘At Least Someone’s Getting Pregnant,’ Reports Mother-In-Law Watching News Story About Child Brides #~# ITHACA, NY—Watching a new story about the legal loopholes that allow underage American girls to be married off to much older men who have impregnated them, local mother-in-law Cindy Dearborne was overheard muttering to herself Friday that at least someone out there was having a baby. “She may be young, but it’s nice that she gets to put her most fertile years to good use,” Dearborne said within earshot of her daughter-in-law, referring to a 14-year-old girl on the TV screen whose parents forced her to marry a 29-year-old man after they learned she was pregnant with his child. “By getting an early start, she’ll have plenty of time to raise a big, happy family. Plus, she’s learning at a young age that life isn’t all about what she wants. That’s an important lesson…Oh, and look at the grandma! She seems so happy. Probably because she knows she’ll actually get to be around to watch her grandkids grow up.” At press time, sources confirmed Dearborne’s daughter-in-law had left the room immediately upon learning the news show would return after the break with a report on the societal effects of women in the workplace.
PG&E Makes Amends For Power Outages By Pumping Wires Full Of So Much Electricity That Plugging In Lamp Will Kill You #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In response to recent criticism by residents frustrated by the planned blackout, Pacific Gas and Electric Company officials vowed Friday to make amends for power outages by pumping wires full of so much electricity that even plugging in a lamp would instantly kill you. “If you want power so bad, we’ll give you way too much damn power,” said CEO William D. Johnson, noting that customers would never have to worry about an uncharged phone again when their hearts burst after just walking near a wall socket. “We know you’re upset, so after this current round of wildfires, we’re going to throttle the power grid with such high voltages of electricity that even just stepping into your house will cause your head to burst into flames, your eyeballs to melt inside your skull, and your brain to turn into a smoldering chunk of charcoal.” At press time, PG&E officials added that the supercharges would occur at random, one-hour intervals over the course of several weeks.
2 Associates Of Giuliani Indicted On Campaign Finance Charges #~# Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, two important witnesses for the ongoing impeachment inquiry, have been arrested on charges related to helping the president’s lawyer Rudolph Giuliani to encourage Ukraine to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. What do you think?
Trump Flees Government Oppression By Relocating Administration To Remote Cabin Compound In Mountains Of Idaho #~# PRAIRIE, ID—Trading the White House for a few small buildings in a remote wooded area only accessible by ATV, the Trump administration has fled government persecution and retreated to an off-the-grid cabin compound in the Idaho mountains, sources confirmed Friday. “This is the way Americans were meant to live,” President Trump reportedly said as he looked out across the isolated encampment and used tactical hand signals to communicate with his acting chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney, who manned a sniper post in a nearby pine tree. “As a sovereign citizen, I am not subject to government authority, and it is only here in these hills that I can truly be free. We generate our own electricity, and my aides set up this whole system for collecting and purifying water. Out here, if the feds try to trample my freedoms, they’re more likely to tread on one of our tripwire explosives or spring-loaded bear traps.” Later, as he patted a 12-gauge pump-action shotgun, the 45th president of the United States was overheard saying that anyone who trespassed on his property to enforce a subpoena would “have to get past this baby first.”
Preview: ‘Pokémon Sword and Shield’ Is Sadly Marred By The Addition Of Sponsored Content Pokémon Like Boo Berry, Pep Boy Moe, And Florida Orange #~# When Pokémon Sword and Shield were first announced earlier this year, there was nothing that seemed more exciting than finally getting our hands on the next installment in this legendary series. Unfortunately, our excitement has been tempered by recent lackluster gameplay videos. And after three hours with both titles, we have to say that our worst fears have been confirmed, as a new sponsorship deal has resulted in the addition of mediocre corporate monsters like the Pep Boys, Florida Orange, and even Johnny Walker.
3M Releases Command Self-Adhesive Meat Hooks For Serial Killers Trying To Reduce Clutter #~# MAPLEWOOD, MN—Touting the product as a revolution in space-saving, 3M released new Command self-adhesive Meat Hooks Friday for the organization-minded serial killers looking to reduce clutter in their lives and workspaces. “Say goodbye to those unsightly piles of corpses and tangles of severed limbs taking up all the space in your basement—because our new Command Meat Hooks provide an efficient storage solution expressly designed for serial killers, torture-murderers, and just about anyone else who feels overwhelmed by the mounting flesh of their victims,” a press release from 3M read in part, adding that the easy-to-hang meat hooks allow the conscientious hunter of human game to store, sort, and display up to 80% more of their unwitting prey in the same square footage of lair. “Command Meat Hooks are available in a variety of styles and tastefully understated colorways, all of which come equipped with labeling tabs, so organizing your unspeakable trophies has never been easier. And for those with more specialized and discerning tastes, our hooks are available in sizes fit for smaller and more tender hands, feet, and viscera, as well as Super Duty Bulk Hooks for those corn-fed heartland lunkers who tip the scales at up to 450 pounds. No matter what your tastes, Command Meat Hooks are up to snuff!” The 3M corporation also noted that the hooks’ easy-removal adhesive tabs meant that the reapers who winnow the great crop of mankind need not worry about accidentally chipping their walls or ceilings while hiding evidence as the police close in.
Montgomery, Alabama Elects First Black Mayor #~# Judge Steven Reed has been elected mayor in Montgomery, AL, making him the first black man to attain the office in Alabama’s capital with 67% of the vote in an election that many point to as a pivotal step forward in the city’s lengthy history of civil rights. What do you think?
Timeline Of The GOP’s Relationship With Trump #~# The initiation of impeachment proceedings by House Democrats has renewed calls for more Republican leaders to publicly stand up to Trump, as well as driven his most vocal supporters to double down, amid what has been a turbulent relationship between Trump and the party he leads. The Onion looks back at the timeline of Trump and the GOP since he declared his presidential candidacy.
Movie Theater Security Reports Suspicious Behavior After Patron Buys Ticket To ‘Gemini Man’ #~# ATLANTA—With the theater on heightened alert for unusual activity, sources confirmed Thursday that security staff at the local Bellwether Cinema 14 reported suspicious behavior on the premises after a patron purchased a ticket to the action-thriller Gemini Man. “From the moment he approached the booth and sought admission to our first screening of the movie, we knew this was a deeply disturbed individual,” employee Jennifer Mendoza said of the unidentified middle-aged male, who, with unsettling statements like “One adult for the 7:25 p.m. showing, please” and “I hear Will Smith’s great in this,” immediately caught the attention of security. “Once his ticket was torn and he made his way toward the theater where Gemini Man is playing, we realized this was a very serious situation and immediately contacted the authorities. Thankfully, the showing is completely empty apart from this one suspicious person, so any damage inflicted will be minimal. Still, it’s scary to think there are people like this out there.” At press time, local police were seen dragging the patron out of the theater after he had escalated concerns by staying to watch the film’s closing credits.
Biden Calls For Trump’s Impeachment #~# Escalating previous rhetoric railing against the current White House, former Vice President Joe Biden for the first time called for President Donald Trump’s impeachment to “preserve our Constitution, our democracy, [and] our basic integrity.” What do you think?
Business That Supposedly Considers Itself One Big Family Doesn’t Want Employees Bathing Together #~# ATLANTA—Protesting what they view as glaring hypocrisy, employees at Liberty Point Insurance said they were disheartened Thursday to learn that despite its repeated claims that they were one big family, the company they work for nonetheless objected to them bathing together. “Well, I suppose all that talk about how we’re this tight-knit unit was just so much corporate lip service—otherwise, why would they tell us we can’t lather up and scrub off the dirt with our coworkers?” said adjuster Derek Hanson, who confirmed he felt betrayed by the new position on bathing and, along with other employees, asked how else the company’s phrase “We’re all one family” was supposed to be interpreted. “We were just splish-splashing around a little, and then out of nowhere HR steps in and says we can’t do that anymore. Seriously, how am I supposed to get all the soap off my back without Jim or Kendra or one of my other officemates there to help me with the loofah? This is worse than the time we were all reprimanded for wearing matching overalls to work. No more rub-a-dub-dub? You’ve got to be kidding me.” Hanson went on to speculate that next, he and his coworkers would be prohibited from crawling into their boss’s arms to calm down after a scary nightmare.
PS5 vs. Xbox Project Scarlett: What We Know So Far #~# With the battle for next-gen supremacy already heating up, it’s never too early to start mulling which console will finally emerge triumphant. Recent rumors put both releases in just over a year, so here’s a definitive comparison to choose which one is right for you.
Bank Hostages Can’t Believe Police Didn’t Spring For Better Pizza #~# FRESNO, CA—Carefully maneuvering across the blood-splattered lobby toward the boxes of food, hostages inside a locked-down Wells Fargo whispered amongst themselves Thursday that they couldn’t believe the police didn’t spring for better pizza. “Ugh, thin crust? Are you kidding me? These cops have the entire PD budget at their disposal and they can’t shell out an extra $30 for some mozzarella sticks and a 2-liter?” said bank teller Anita Suarez, one of several captives voicing their complaints as they sat zip-tied and huddled around a stack of three medium Domino’s cheese pizzas with no toppings or dipping sauces. “I understand this is a high-pressure situation, what with Steve threatening to kill us if the cops don’t meet his demands and all, but they could’ve at least tried that really nice brick-oven place down the street or let us order for ourselves. You have to assume they’ll get reimbursed for the food, so why not go all out and treat us to something fresh and local? For a lot of us, this gross, cardboard-like attempt at pizza is probably our last meal, which totally sucks. They didn’t even give us any napkins for our greasy hands or bullet wounds.” At press time, the bank hostages were urging their captor not to stand down until they got some garlic knots and ranch.
Pfizer Unveils New Prescription Medicine To Help Adults Quit Sitting #~# NEW YORK—Touting the new medication’s ability to assist in cessation of the unhealthy activity, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer unveiled a new prescription medicine Thursday to help adults cut down on and eventually quit the practice of sitting. “We at Pfizer are proud to announce the rollout of SitoDerm, a low-dose transgluteadermal formulation designed to help the thousands of Americans who want to avoid the debilitating effects of being seated but need some help dealing with habituation,” a press release from the corporation read in part, also noting that the medication is delivered through a flesh-colored extended-release patch placed on the buttocks, and is prescribed in variable doses depending on the severity of the patient’s sitting habit. “Sitting, whether a simple lean or a full-on slouch that occupies an entire reclining chair including the arms, is a dangerous activity leading to muscular atrophy, spinal deformation, and even heart disease, contributing to the deaths of dozens of Americans every day. Clinical trials prove our patches reduce semi-supine cravings, readjusting brain chemistry to resist the sitting urge. Over 70% of our subjects ceased sitting in six months thanks to SitoDerm.” Pfizer also notes that the side effects of SitoDerm include excitability, rectal pain, musculoskeletal stiffness extending from the lower back to the knees, and occasional suicidal ideation.
3 Scientists Win Nobel Prize For Work On Nature Of Universe #~# The Nobel Prize in Physics has been awarded to three scientists: James Peebles for his work on cosmological theories that created a framework to understand the universe’s history and Michel Mayor and Didier Queloz for the discovery of the exoplanets outside of our solar system, respectively. What do you think?
Patriots Bring Up Young Rookie From Practice Squad To Provide Fresh Blood For Tom Brady #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Complimenting the first-year player for providing a valuable contribution to the quarterback’s needs, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick confirmed Wednesday that the team had brought up young rookie Travis Wofford from its practice squad to provide fresh blood for Tom Brady. “He’s been a bit tired these last few weeks, and we think Travis is going to provide just the healthy, nutrient-rich blood Tom requires,” said Belichick, adding that the Patriots first instituted the process in response to Brady’s slow start to the 2012 season, and now transfuse the blood of seven to 10 rookies per year to ensure the 42-year-old quarterback’s circulatory system is constantly flush with the young blood it needs to perform at a high level. “We’re excited for a guy like Travis to come up to the 53-man roster and take reps for a few days in between bloodletting sessions until his body is slowly drained of all liquid. Of course, we only want the highest-quality rookies who follow a strict diet and training regimen so that their blood is the healthiest. That means no junk food, no nightshades, and no taking days off. As long as we keep up the supply of rookies, Tom could easily play into his fifties.” Belichick added that the Patriots were already scouting a college wide receiver who could provide a nice pair of kidneys for Brady during the 2020 season.
‘At Least They Don’t Know About My Leaking, Prolapsed Anus,’ Thinks Devin Nunes Filing Lawsuit Against Mocking Twitter Accounts #~# WASHINGTON—Privately expressing his relief that the situation was better than it could have been, Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) reportedly took a moment Wednesday to reflect that at least the Twitter users he was suing for mocking him didn’t know about his leaking, prolapsed anus. “These people were really mean to me when they were just critiquing my public statements and voting record, so I can just imagine the sort of field day they’d be having if they found out that my rectum is telescoped out past my anus, resulting in a constant flow of fecal matter dribbling down my leg at all times,” thought the congressman, acknowledging that if social media users discovered that he had previously worn a diaper but had stopped because it only ended up overflowing in a matter of hours, he’d likely never hear the end of it. “To be honest, I’m also pretty fortunate that no one has sussed out the fact that the only way for me to achieve sexual satisfaction is to ejaculate into a bowl of clam chowder and feed it to an unwitting victim while filming the whole thing. That would be mighty embarrassing, to say nothing of me owning the country’s largest collection of frozen condoms full of shit. And the worst part is, I’d have no legal standing to sue if any of this came out since all of this is 100% the God’s honest truth.” At press time, Nunes had decided to cheer himself up about his tapeworm-infested scrotum by buying himself a new child bride.
Video Game Sword Master Teaches Pupil Unbeatable Secret Technique Of Backpedaling Away From Foes While Wildly Swinging Weapon #~# THE IRON KINGDOM—Counseling his disciple that the martial lineage had been passed down through untold generations, video game swordsman Master Feralt reportedly spent a Wednesday morning lesson teaching his pupil the unbeatable secret technique of backpedaling away from one’s foe while wildly swinging your weapon. “To defeat even the most hardened warrior, you must quickly back away while flailing your sword in the general direction of your enemies until all have been vanquished—witness!” said the venerable swordsman before demonstrating the unbeatable combat skill in which he shuffled backward while repeatedly whipping his blade without any thought to self-defense or aim. “Its genius lies in its simplicity: You are moving away from your enemies, yet your blade remains close enough to strike them. Indeed, my student, it is even stronger than our legendary tactic of backing a knight onto a rock so his sword’s swings will forever remain just above your head.” At press time, the video game master had issued a grave warning to never dodge-roll towards a wall during the technique, as it could result in the pupil clipping through the barrier and forever plummeting into an endless void.
Trump Assures Kurds There Will One Day Be Very Nice Tree Planted In D.C. Commemorating Their Deaths #~# WASHINGTON—Amid backlash for abandoning an ally that has been crucial in the fight against ISIS, President Donald Trump assured the Kurds Wednesday that there will one day be a very nice tree planted in Washington, D.C. commemorating their deaths. “Our Kurdish allies should rest assured that, despite the fact that U.S. troops will no longer provide them with military support, at some point in the future there will be a very good tree with branches, leaves, and bark memorializing their untimely and very brutal demise,” said Trump, promising that even if there wasn’t a plaque or anything denoting that the tree was intended as a tribute to the slaughter of Kurdish fighters and civilians, visitors would probably leave “flowers or little stuffed bears” to let others know that it was a sad tree. “You have my firm commitment that in 30 or 40 years, any tourist who happens to stumble upon the tree in a small park off K Street might think about how you were massacred for a second or two. And even if we forget which tree is actually the Kurd Tree, trust me when I say that it will be there somewhere.” At press time, Trump had given Turkey latitude to launch air strikes on the Kurd Tree if they felt it necessary for their national interest.
Dallas Cops Plant Black Suspect At Murder Scene #~# DALLAS—Following what they described as standard procedure for homicide investigations, members of the Dallas Police Department planted a black suspect at a suspicious murder scene in their city, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You never know when you’re going to need a young African American male to pin a crime on, so we always make sure to have a few on hand in case we need to divert attention from a more obvious suspect,” said Officer Lee Durham, turning off his body camera and signaling to his partner, who retrieved a 21-year-old black man from their cruiser, wiped him down to remove any prints, and positioned him at the scene before the camera was turned back on. “They certainly do come in handy. It doesn’t even matter if they have a weapon on them. As long as there’s a minor violation or two on his record, everyone will agree he was probably up to something, and then you’re all set…Okay, that looks good. Hey, guys, look what we just found!” At press time, a statement from Dallas police confirmed a cursory search of the suspect’s apartment had uncovered a stash of three other black people, making this an open-and-shut case.
Trump Blocks U.S. Ambassador From Testifying To Congress #~# The White House blocked U.S. Ambassador Gordon D. Sondland from speaking with investigators to several House committees in President Trump’s impeachment inquiry, a decision the House Intelligence Committee said would be used to help build an obstruction case against him. What do you think?
Study Finds Over 55 Million Deaths Could Be Prevented Annually By Some Sort Of Immortality Serum #~# MADISON, WI—Concluding that such a breakthrough would greatly improve the prognoses of patients with terminal conditions, a new study released Wednesday by the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine found that more than 55 million deaths could be prevented each year with an immortality serum of some kind. “We would likely see a dramatic drop in death rates worldwide if an elixir that confers everlasting life could be successfully developed and then administered to every person on the planet,” said epidemiologist and study co-author Matthew Potter, who suggested the public health benefits of such a serum could hardly be overstated, considering it could prevent deaths caused by heart disease, cancer, tuberculosis, car accidents, wars, and many other things. “Given the positive outcomes it could deliver, this is clearly an area of medicine that merits further research. Once we have the serum, then it’s just a matter of adding it to the water supply, releasing it into the atmosphere via drones, or maybe coming up with some other universal-delivery system we haven’t even conceived of yet. It’s really that simple.” The study concedes an immortality serum would also come with its share of adverse effects, including rampant overpopulation, critical resource depletion, and crippling existential crises for anyone who takes it.
Skip Bayless Slams History Of Chinese Post-Opium War Intervention Anxiety In 6-Hour ‘Undisputed’ #~# LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that the Five Principles of Peaceful Coexistence were completely useless in a globalized economy, Fox Sports host Skip Bayless spent six hours on Undisputed Wednesday slamming China’s history of intervention anxiety in the post-Opium Wars era. “This is some 19th-century, rookie nationalism right here. China needs to grow up and deal with blowback from the international community if they want to play with the big boys,” said Bayless as he entered his third hour of citing historical facts to support his argument that you could draw a straight line from the punitive measures of the 1858 Treaty of Tientsin to the rise of communism, citing the Cultural Revolution and even the one-child policy as examples of how the nation’s isolationist tendencies impacted modern policy. “I know the forced opening of Chinese ports tore apart the economy for decades and led to the degradation of Qing sovereignty, but they have to get over themselves and realize that in today’s international market you can’t be afraid that any small amount of influence will corrupt the entire system. This all starts with management; if the Communist Party doesn’t set the tone and show some leadership, they are never going to stay contenders.” At press time, co-host Shannon Sharpe made a quick point about how the explicit aggression of the Sino-Indian War undermined the overall theory of territorial unity, leading a furious Bayless to throw down his mic and storm off the set.
Timeline Of Healthcare In America #~# Fierce debate over healthcare policy among Democrats and efforts to erode Obamacare by Republicans continue to shine a spotlight on the state of medical care in the U.S., and it’s important to understand how we got here. The Onion takes a look at the most significant moments in the history of healthcare in America. 
Job-Hunting Jay Gruden Frantically Scrubs Social Media Of Anything Associated With Redskins #~# ANNAPOLIS, MD—Worried that the humiliating posts would destroy his future employment opportunities, a frantic, job-hunting Jay Gruden scrubbed his social media this week of anything associated with the Redskins. “If anyone sees these photos of me in a Redskins hat, my career is over,” said the former head coach, scrolling through posts and untagging any shots of himself with Redskins owner Dan Synder. “It’s going to suck having a five-year gap in my resume, but I’m pretty sure I can keep it vague and just say I coached with a professional sports team. Maybe I should lean on my time as GM for the Florida Tuskers? What’s rough is that the first thing that pops up on Google after searching my name is ‘Redskins,’ so eventually, I am going to have to figure out some way to explain that.” At press time, Gruden was trying to explain to a prospective employer who inquired about the Redskins that 2014 was just a different time.
Dog Takes Pilgrimage To Holy Site Where It Once Found Rotisserie Chicken On Side Of Road #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Compelled by a power greater than himself to leave his beloved home and tread the path of all-surpassing glory, Sawyer, a 4-year-old Jack Russell Terrier, set off Wednesday on a pilgrimage to that selfsame consecrated site where he once found a whole rotisserie chicken resting by the side of the road. Upon his 45-minute journey, Sawyer faced and overcame great adversity, including a barrage of insistent tugging on the leash held by his faithless owner; various unspeakable yet seductive odors; and the many temptations offered by other neighborhood dogs, yet he remained steadfast in the pursuit of meaty possibilities. Fueled by his simple yet powerful faith and drawn ever onward by visions of the glorious bounty that might very well await him, from humble parcels of abandoned bacon to split-open canned hams to the dream of an entire 3-foot length of abandoned Genoa salami, Sawyer marched on, the light of his faith undimmed. Upon his arrival at the divine location, in line with canine eschatology, Sawyer bowed his head, bent his keen nose to his task, and began to circle and criss-cross the area in hopes of a sign. At press time, it was confirmed that Sawyer’s owners had unsuccessfully attempted to prevent him from consuming the remains of a week-old roast beef sandwich and have rushed him to an emergency animal clinic.
Trump Pulling U.S. Troops From Northern Syria #~# In a move that foreign policy experts have criticized as abandoning Kurdish allies and potentially escalating the region’s conflicts, President Trump announced plans to pull all U.S. troops from Northern Syria as Turkey readies a military incursion into the area. What do you think?
Chinese Officials Respond To NBA Controversy By Moving Millions Of Citizens To NHL Re-Fanification Camps #~# BEIJING—On the heels of recent pro-Hong Kong comments by Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey, Chinese officials responded to the criticism Tuesday by moving millions of Chinese citizens to NHL re-fanification camps. “To show that China will not tolerate this flagrant disrespect for our nation amongst the ranks of the NBA, we intend to enlighten our citizens in the ways of the National Hockey League,” said Vice Premier Han Zheng, overseeing the first of many re-fanification ceremonies in a detention center outside of Beijing where citizens were encouraged at gunpoint to throw NBA merchandise into bonfires and subsequently issued compulsory Sidney Crosby jerseys, posters of the Toronto Maple Leafs, and Blu-ray copies of The Cutting Edge. “With this action, we will undo the harmful legacy of basketball on our nation’s psyche, using unyielding exposure to the ways in which hockey aligns with the values of China, a dynasty not unlike that of the Boston Bruins. By the time our citizens board their trains back home, they will not remember that such a thing as the NBA ever existed. All they will know is the joy of a slapshot, the grace of a goalie, and the unlimited potential of the St. Louis Blues in the postseason.” At press time, sources confirmed that officials were forcing unpaid re-fanification camp labor to construct hockey arenas nationwide. 
New Supreme Court Term To Take On Issues Including Gay Rights, Abortion #~# The Supreme Court reconvened this week to render verdicts on issues that will touch on several significant facets of American society including Roe v. Wade, gun rights, and discrimination protections for LGBTQ individuals. What do you think?
GOP Lawmakers Watch Silently As Trump Strangles Each Of Their Loved Ones In Turn #~# WASHINGTON—Opting to take more of a wait-and-see approach instead of rushing to pass judgment, Republican lawmakers reportedly looked on in silence Tuesday as President Trump worked his way through each of their families and, one by one, strangled all their loved ones to death. “After I watched the president slowly and methodically squeeze the life out of my wife’s body as she gasped, futilely, for breath, he gave me his personal assurance that he was not responsible for her death, so I continue to stand by this administration,” said Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-TN), who along with every Republican in both the House and Senate stated that while killing off their families in cold blood might not be entirely proper, it was certainly not an impeachable offense, no matter how the media tried to spin it. “Now, this is not an action I would have taken myself. I personally would not have wrapped my hands around my 5-year-old son’s neck and crushed his windpipe. But if Donald Trump’s approach to governing is sometimes a bit outside the ordinary, that’s because Donald Trump is no ordinary president. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing.” Later, with his beloved sister’s face turning purple as the commander-in-chief asphyxiated her with a length of barbed wire, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) appeared on several television news networks and said impeaching the president for her imminent death would be “insane.”
Man Starting To Think He Didn’t Win 1995 Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Sweepstakes For Free Trip To Australian Outback #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Vowing to never give up hope, local man Mark Prasad admitted Tuesday that he’s starting to think he didn’t win the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes 1995 sweepstakes for a free trip to the Australian Outback. “Every day, I check the mail in hopes of finding a flashy envelope from Kellogg’s telling me to pack my bags because I’ve been randomly selected to spend four days and five nights camping in the Outback, and every day I’m bitterly disappointed,” said Prasad, 42, who began to suspect something was wrong back in 2004 when he emailed the Kellogg’s public feedback account to enquire whether they had announced a winner and failed to receive a response. “The 24 years between when I mailed in the raffle entry card from the back of the Frosted Flakes box and now has tested my resolve, but I’m trying to stay positive. I’ve done a ton of research on Australia, and I know exactly what I need to pack to make sure I have a memorable vacation. The fine print says the winner gets to take a guest. I used to think I’d bring my best friend Lucas, but now I guess I’ll have to invite my wife.” When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Kellogg’s confirmed that a winner for the 1995 sweepstakes would be announced later this month.
Terrorist Who Put A Lot Of Work Into Explosive Device Offended By Intelligence Agencies Labeling It As ‘Improvised’ #~# GALGALA MOUNTAINS, SOMALIA—Deeply hurt by the way in which counterterrorism operatives repeatedly discounted the craftsmanship and ingenuity of his anti-personnel bombs, terrorist Ahmad Musa stated Tuesday he resented Western intelligence agencies referring to his explosive devices as “improvised.” “I refined the design and construction of this car bomb over a period of weeks, filling two graph paper tablets with notes and staying up all night reading physics textbooks, yet they treat my work like I just threw a bunch of roofing nails in a pressure cooker and called it a day,” Musa said of the explosive, which involved extensive work with fertilizer chemistry, careful deciphering and adapting wiring diagrams, and even countless practice sessions with soldering irons. “Devising the right detonator rig was a huge undertaking—did you know flame travels at different speeds through different densities of diesel-fuel vapors? It totally does. Plus, I had to be sure the shrapnel was the right shape to disperse correctly. Yet everyone from the CIA to Interpol continues to use the cute little dismissive acronym ‘IED.’ Insulting. Everyone knows improvisation is amateurish, and no one in their right mind respects anything improvised. My device killed 67 people—does that sound improvised to you?” Musa promised that his magnificent suicide bombing next month would force authorities to report his demise as “death by elegantly devised explosive device.”
NASA’s First All-Female Spacewalk To Happen This Month #~# NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch will make history this month as the first all-female team to perform a spacewalk in which they will swap out batteries that power some of the International Space Station’s solar array. What do you think?
Home Depot CEO Mulls Loosening Organization’s Celibacy Requirement #~# ATLANTA—Faced with an ongoing recruitment struggle in a time of historically low unemployment, Home Depot CEO Craig Menear signaled Monday that he will hold discussions over whether to loosen the company’s long-held celibacy requirement for its employees. “Perhaps the time has come to open up our team-member application process to those who are married and have children,” Menear said in a letter to the board of Home Depot, which since going public in 1981 has maintained a strict policy that prohibits employees from marrying or engaging in sexual activity of any kind, including masturbation. “We have long held that total abstinence was necessary for the vocation of retail associate, the duties of which require both moral purity and complete devotion to the home-improvement needs of local shoppers. But perhaps it is time to consider new paths to dependable customer service, particularly in stores that have been without a lawn and garden expert, flooring professional, or paint-mixing specialist for years.” The CEO also stressed that the proposal would apply only to new hires, and that all of Home Depot’s current employees and trainees would still be required to maintain their chastity until death.
Banksy Painting Sells For Record $12.2 Million #~# Banksy’s “Devolved Parliament” painting, which depicts the British House of Commons as chimpanzees, sold at a Sotheby’s auction for $12.2 million, smashing the anonymous street artist’s previous record of $1.3 million. What do you think?
Report: New Suit, Sir? #~# SPARKS, MD—In a report suggesting that the boss had come in this morning with an even sharper-than-usual appearance, sources confirmed Monday that must be a new suit, sir, and it sure looks great. “Not everyone could pull off an outfit like that, but the boss does it with ease,” said eagerly grinning sources, noting that the head honcho had completed his impressive look with a stylish new haircut and that it appears he’s lost weight, though sources added they didn’t know how he found the time due to always burning the midnight oil at the office. “It’s safe to say that the missus bought that gorgeous silk tie that goes so perfectly with the jacket, which serves as another indicator that the boss sure knows how to pick ’em.” The report concluded by acknowledging that it was the honor of a lifetime to get to work for such a finely tailored man.
FDA Moves To Ban All Flavored Jolly Ranchers #~# WASHINGTON—Amid a recent spike in mysterious confection-related deaths, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday its plan to ban all flavored Jolly Ranchers, allowing only the original flavorless variety to remain on shelves across the nation. “These hard candies are only suitable for consumption by adults, but with flavors like blue raspberry, cherry, watermelon, grape, and green apple, the manufacturer is clearly attempting to target children,” said FDA spokesperson Monica Peters, who added that by removing all sweet and sour variations, including chewable Jolly Rancher gummies and jelly beans, the agency hopes to significantly reduce the number of Americans who go on to develop a lifelong candy habit. “Studies have shown the majority of people who eat Jolly Ranchers are under 18, meaning the parts of their brains that handle higher-level decision-making functions are not yet fully developed. The last thing anyone needs at this age is to be bombarded by so many delicious flavors. We still don’t know exactly how Jolly Ranchers affect long-term cognitive development, but we do know they can lead to dependence on even harder candies, such as jawbreakers or Atomic Fireballs.” Peters went on to note that the Drug Enforcement Administration continues to classify the hot “cinnamon fire” flavor of Jolly Ranchers as a Schedule 1 controlled substance, possession of which constitutes a felony in all 50 states.
Trump Cabinet Officials Resentful Of Increasing Power Wielded By Live-In Caregiver #~# WASHINGTON—Increasingly concerned about the sway the woman exerted over the commander in chief, Trump cabinet officials have reportedly grown resentful of the power wielded by live-in caregiver Isabella Velazquez, 45, White House sources confirmed Monday. “Don’t get me wrong, it was great when she was just around to help feed the president or wipe his face clean before press scrums, but there’s something wrong about Isabella insisting she always be there to hand-deliver his intelligence reports or listen in on calls with foreign dignitaries,” said Secretary of the Interior David Bernhardt, expressing his deep frustration with a recent incident in which the middle-aged nurse abruptly cut off a joint chiefs of staff meeting in order to wheel Trump into the Lincoln Bedroom for his daily nap. “She’s constantly by his side. And with things like this Syria troop withdrawal, she snaps at anyone who questions whether this policy is coming from her or the president. At this point, if an official even asks about the president’s pill regimen, they’re out. Christ, why do you think Bolton’s gone?” Several White House officials went on to cast doubt about whether Trump had truly given Velazquez the Presidential Medal of Honor or if she simply found it while tidying up the Oval Office.
Trying Their Best: The ‘Gears Of War’ Twitter Account Just Posted A Tribute To Black History Month Even Though The Timing’s Way Off #~# Ally alert! 
Learning To Love Himself Getting Man Out Of A Lot Of Painful Self-Reflection #~# NAMPA, ID—Noting that a huge weight had been taken off his shoulders, newly enlightened man Ken Eaton announced Monday that learning to love himself has freed him from the burden of extensive and painful self-reflection. “It’s nice to finally have accepted my flaws, because doing so allows me to stop the tiresome practice of unpacking my issues, admitting to myself that I’ve been a corrosive force in the lives of those close to me, and working constantly to change my often overwhelming flaws as a human being,” said Eaton, who repeatedly remarked on how grateful he was to be done with introspection after realizing that his defects are the very things that make him special. “It really hurt when I had to confess my shortcomings to myself and make an effort to improve as a human being instead of just embracing the fact that, hey, I’m only a human being. But it’s smooth sailing for me now that I can view my serious faults through a love strong enough to make me see them as my greatest strengths.” Going forward, Eaton plans to work hard with other people to make them accept the worst facets of his character instead of changing his behaviour to meet basic human standards.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating #~# ENCINO, CA—According to sources in attendance at the ceremony, area man Daniel Walter was wed Saturday to Kelly Kaminski, a woman he hardly even knows after five years of dating. “Kelly, you are my rock, my everything, and you never cease to amaze me,” said Walter, 37, who is reportedly deluding himself if he thinks he’s ready to marry Kaminski, considering he doesn’t know what, if anything, he truly has in common with the 34-year-old executive assistant he started dating in 2010. “I love you, and I can’t wait for us to begin this adventure together.” Sources also stated that the bride must be pretty naïve if she thinks she knows what she’s getting into with a man who is always forgetting the names of all her closest friends he’s fucked.
Forever 21 Declares Bankruptcy #~# Retail clothing store Forever 21 filed for bankruptcy and announced it would close 350 stores worldwide as consumers increasingly move away from shopping malls and eschew fast fashion due to its environmental impact. What do you think?
Mom Arrives From Other Room For Semi-Hourly Report On Game #~# PITTSBURGH—Briefly interrupting her weekend cleaning to pop her head into the living room, local mom Shandi Ames arrived from the other room Sunday for her semi-hourly report on the Pittsburgh Steelers football game. “How is everything going? Are they winning?” asked Ames, collecting dirty plates and empty cups from the coffee table while giving intermittent glances at the television screen. “Everything still going okay in here? I hope the game is going well. And how’s that player I like doing?” At press time, Ames was shouting “What’s wrong? What happened?” from the kitchen after hearing audible groans and shouting from the living room.
Nation’s Top Pseudoscientists Harness High-Energy Quartz Crystal Capable Of Reversing Effects Of Being Gemini #~# ALBUQUERQUE—In a breakthrough discovery that could change the way Sun Signs live forever, the nation’s top pseudoscientists announced Friday that they had harnessed a high-energy quartz crystal capable of reversing the effects of being a Gemini. “From today onward, the Sign Of The Twins will no longer be forced to suffer while Mercury is in retrograde or while the Sun is nestled in Virgo,” said Astrology Institute professor Lisa Vincent, adding that the crystals, which were super dense and vibrated at hyper-attuned astral frequencies, were capable of eliminating all of Gemini’s dark traits, including flightiness, restlessness, and dishonesty. “Whether you are first cusp Gemini or a third decan Gemini, the stone, along with a healthy dose of alexandrite, will 100% equalize volatile energies. Within weeks of regular use, a Gemini could even live a normal life as an Aquarius.” At press time, pseudoscientists had shut down their latest study after finding that the high-powered, $6,000 stone had negative interactions with vaccines.
Trump Publicly Calls For China, Ukraine To Investigate Bidens #~# In a dramatic escalation of his intervention in the 2020 presidential race, Donald Trump called for China and Ukraine to open investigations into one of his leading rivals, former Vice President Joe Biden, and his son, despite no evidence whatsoever of illegal wrongdoing. What do you think?
Trump Furiously Searching Raytheon Catalog For Gift After Realizing He Promised China And Ukraine Same Javelin Missile #~# WASHINGTON—Scanning for discounts in the precision weapon and early warning satellite sections, a visibly distressed President Trump reportedly flipped through the Raytheon catalog in a panic Friday after realizing he had accidentally promised China and Ukraine the same FGM-148 Javelin missile. “Shit, shit, shit—when I offered that rocket launcher to Xi [Jinping] I totally forgot I’d already told [Volodymyr] Zelensky he could have it,” said Trump, who was overheard muttering to himself that he could just tell the Chinese president the Javelins were out of stock, but then Xi would be upset once he found out the Ukrainians had managed to get one. “Maybe I’ll get China a Patriot, instead? No, that’s too much. I don’t want to seem desperate. And the Sparrow is so passé at this point, they wouldn’t even want that. Damn it, I need to get something for Australia, too, don’t I?” At press time, sources confirmed Trump had given up and decided to send all the countries willing to assist in his reelection campaign a $400 million Raytheon gift card so they could just pick out what they wanted.
Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked #~# NEW YORK—Expressing remorse for their weakness and total lack of self-control, Americans across the country were ashamed to admit Friday that they would probably look up John Goodman’s nudes if they leaked. “Look, I’m not proud of it, but if I found out John Goodman’s iCloud got hacked and a bunch of his naked photos made their way online, I would be powerless to stop myself from searching for them,” said Rob Medlock of Columbus, OH, echoing the sentiments of 329 million embarrassed Americans who conceded that no matter how much they tried to resist tracking down cell phone pictures of John Goodman’s naked body splayed out on a bed, their morbid curiosity would eventually take over. “I’m definitely not asking for it to happen, that’s for sure, but if I knew there were some pictures of John Goodman taking a scandalous changing room selfie or posing dick-out in a hotel bathroom, I wouldn’t be able to help myself. I’d probably even go through several different sites until I found one shady enough to actually link to them.” At press time, an intrigued U.S. populace was in the midst of conducting an image search for “King Ralph in nothing but a crown.”
Giuliani: ‘When The Going Gets Tough, I Can Always Look Back Fondly On The Events Of 9/11’ #~# NEW YORK—Faced with criticism over his role in pushing Ukraine to interfere in the 2020 campaign on behalf of President Trump, former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani said Friday that whenever the pressure gets to him, he seeks solace in his fond recollections of the events of Sept. 11, 2001. “Most of the time I have a pretty thick skin, but if I do start getting down on myself, I just let my thoughts go back to that fateful morning and how it forever changed my life for the better,” Giuliani told reporters as he looked wistfully out his office window and recalled his “heyday,” when he spent months basking in the praise of a nation and carefully leveraged his newfound influence to make himself a multimillionaire. “That’s where I find my strength. Anytime I need a little pick-me-up, all I need to do is look at a picture of Ground Zero and I’m right as rain. Do I wish I could go back and relive that day? Of course. But we can’t go back, can we?” Giuliani then reportedly set aside the congressional subpoena he had been reading through and spent the next several hours rewatching CNN’s live coverage of the second plane slamming into the World Trade Center.
Vontaze Burfict Expresses Deep Regret For Letting Jack Doyle Live #~# OAKLAND, CA—Admitting he was heartbroken over his mistake against the Colts, Oakland Raiders linebacker Vontaze Burfict expressed deep regret Friday that he let Indianapolis tight end Jack Doyle live. “This goes against who I am as a player and the very spirit of the game. I’m sorry Jack was able to leave the field in anything other than a body bag,” said Burfict, adding that the remorse for not fully squaring up on Doyle and delivering a lethal blow to his head was becoming too much to bear. “I’ve been looking back at it all week and I grimace every time I see it. If I had done my job right, he would’ve been laid out on the ground struggling for life instead of remaining conscious and breathing during the whole thing. I am incredibly sorry I pulled up and admit I am taking this lapse in judgment very seriously. This is not what I was hired to do.” Burfict also conceded that the NFL had done their job in suspending him, and that he would have handed down the same punishment to any other player who had failed to deliver a life-ending blow to one of their opponents.
New Patriotic Gatorade Ad Shows Terrorists Being Waterboarded With Gatorade #~# CHICAGO—Blaring the national anthem as soldiers stood holding red, white, and blue sports drinks, a new patriotic Gatorade ad that aired Friday showed terrorists being waterboarded with Gatorade. “Gatorade is the official drink of protecting the American homeland,” said Gatorade spokesperson Ally Hawthorne about the spot, which showed several Middle Eastern men strapped to boards with sheets over their heads while various interrogators dumped thirst-quenching, 5-gallon coolers of Gatorade over their faces. “With our enhanced hydration techniques, Gatorade is ensuring that the United States remains not just safe but electrolyte-fueled, just like our forefathers intended. That’s why when someone asks ‘Is it in you?,’ the answer is always ‘yes.’” At press time, Gatorade had come under fire for a television ad that showed Osama bin Laden being brought back to life and tortured after being given a Gatorade Recovery Shake.
Investors Return To Saudi Arabia Year After Khashoggi Killing #~# One year after journalist Jamal Khashoggi was murdered at the Saudi Arabian consulate, Western investors are returning to Saudi Arabia due to its enormous oil wealth and the efforts of Crown Prince bin Salman at stifling outrage. What do you think?
Pros And Cons Of A Wealth Tax #~# Democratic presidential candidates Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren have proposed a wealth tax as a way to increase government funding and reduce income inequality, but critics of such proposals argue they can cause more harm than benefits. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of a wealth tax.
FBI Warns ‘Downton Abbey’ Screenings Could Be Target For Shootings By Disgruntled Royalist #~# WASHINGTON—Following reports of disturbing behavior by disaffected loners at the fringes of high society, the FBI released a joint intelligence bulletin Thursday warning moviegoers that screenings of the film Downton Abbey could be a potential target for shootings by disgruntled royalists. “The individuals in question are in a state of constant anger and dissatisfaction, frustrated to be living in a world that does not honor the crown,” read the bulletin in part, outlining how the FBI had discovered the plots while monitoring pro-monarchy dark-web forums where members posted about how seeing people like themselves onscreen who believed in divine right had inspired them to restore power to the throne through violence. “We fear that the themes of largesse and elitism depicted in this film may radicalize these people. While the FBI intends to deploy a select amount of undercover police officers dressed as servants to screenings, we advise theater employees and attendees alike to keep an eye out for suspiciously fancy activity by individuals in tails or top hats. We advise extreme caution if the theater patrons encounter anyone who looks like a member of the landed gentry.” At press time, AMC and Regal Cinemas announced that security personnel would be posted at all upcoming Downton Abbey screenings to check bags for dueling pistols.
Sanders Cancels Campaign Events To Receive Heart Stents #~# After undergoing a minimally invasive surgery for artery blockage, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is resting in “good spirits” and has canceled campaign events until further notice. What do you think?
Kamala Harris Undergoes Heart Surgery After Seeing Positive Reception For Sanders #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the procedure an “absolute necessity” to save her campaign, sources confirmed Thursday that Kamala Harris was rushed into emergency heart surgery immediately after seeing the positive reception Bernie Sanders received. “After seeing a sudden surge in thoughts, prayers, and monetary donations received by the Sanders 2020 campaign, Mrs. Harris was rushed into the operating room where doctors promptly inserted stents into several of her arteries,” said campaign manager Juan Rodriguez, adding that although she’d only been awake for a few hours, the surgery had already allowed the Democratic candidate to gain four points in the polls and grace the front page of every major national newspaper. “While the procedure was admittedly a shock to many, Mrs. Harris’s family and friends have thankfully reported that she’s already feeling 10 times more presidential. And to anyone who doubts her fitness for office, remember: Unlike Bernie, Kamala’s heart was never blocked in the first place.” At press time, Harris had reportedly surpassed Sanders, Warren, and Biden in popularity after contracting a deadly form of MRSA during her recovery.
Fisher-Price Recalls Dangerous 30-Foot-Tall High Chair #~# EAST AURORA, NY—Apologizing to customers for mistakenly boosting their children far past the height of the average kitchen table, Fisher-Price officials announced Thursday that they had recalled thousands of dangerous 30-foot-tall high chairs. “After a thorough investigation, we have determined that the risk of a toddler wiggling out and immediately falling three stories to the ground is simply too great,” said Fisher-Price CEO Ynon Kreiz, adding that although the 4-in-1 Total Clean Sky Chair had various safety features, including a toddler-catching net below, it simply wasn’t enough. “We understand that many of the problems were inherent to our design, and we sincerely apologize to anyone whose toddler somehow unbuckled their harness and fatally plunged 10 yards to the floor, as well as parents who fell off the high chair after attempting to climb up and feed their children. We are happy to offer a $100 refund to anyone who suffered a severed limb while trying to collapse the chair to its lowest height of 25 feet.” At press time, Fisher-Price had also issued a recall on their SUV-sized Laugh & Learn Smart Cars after several models ran over parents and crushed them to death.
‘Please Guide Me In My Darkest Hour Lord,’ Prays Trump Kneeling Before Portrait Of Himself #~# WASHINGTON—Lighting candles at the altar before lowering his head in reverence, President Donald Trump prayed for the lord to guide him in his darkest hour Thursday while kneeling before a portrait of himself. “You, the all-seeing, all-knowing, he who stands above all other beings, in my time of need, please show me the way,” said Trump, gazing into the eyes of his portrait and asking for the kind of strength that can only be granted by the almighty himself. “Eternal one, king of kings, I have always served you dutifully and have never forsaken the quest for your glory. In all your omnipotence, I beg that you shine a light and show me how to strike down your enemies. If delivered from this trial, I will spread your word to the ends of the Earth and make sure all of humanity sings your praises.” Trump concluded the prayer by saying he would gladly offer up his children in holy sacrifice for his lord if it would secure his glory.
Justin Trudeau Explains Deep Spiritual Significance Of Oil Pipelines Through Indigenous Lands #~# EDMONTON, CANADA—Responding to criticism of the Trans Mountain oil pipeline during a visit to Alberta, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau told reporters Thursday that pumping nearly a million barrels of oil a day through indigenous lands would be a ritual of deep spiritual significance to his people. “These pipes are a sacred tradition handed down by my ancestors, a reminder of our connection to the land and the riches it can provide,” said Trudeau, who described his participation in age-old rites in which his family and friends would prostrate themselves before pipelines, praying for the safe passage of the petroleum within. “Just as the smokestack rises from the ground, so too must the pipe go beneath the earth. The Creator has imbued the sands of this province with great bounty, and with the proper offerings of oil company subsidies and construction grants, we may be so blessed as to profit from its gifts.” At press time, Trudeau had concluded his remarks by inviting members of the press to join him in a traditional pipeline-blessing ceremony, beginning with the ritual application of refined black oil all over one’s face and body.
‘Seinfeld’ Producers Reveal They Originally Planned To Kill Off Jerry In The Pilot #~# LOS ANGELES—Recalling the character’s unanticipated popularity with viewers, producers of the hit ’90s TV series Seinfeld told reporters Thursday that in the original version of the show’s pilot, Jerry is the victim of a grisly murder. “The death of this minor character 10 minutes into the first episode was supposed to be the inciting incident that brings together this quirky group of friends who all meet up at his funeral,” said series executive producer George Shapiro, adding that test audiences greatly enjoyed the rapport between the character and his neighbor, Kramer, but responded negatively when Jerry was brutally gunned down in a diner on Manhattan’s Upper West Side. “As it turned out, viewers really liked Jerry’s clever observations about human nature and the sarcastic remarks he made in reaction to his friends’ many foibles, so we decided to give the character a greatly expanded role. Once the writers discovered the actor who played Jerry also performed stand-up, it just made sense to incorporate that into the show as well. The rest is television history!” Shapiro went on to note that when the pilot was rewritten, the series became much more of a comedy, moving away from the original concept of a gritty police procedural featuring hard-bitten homicide detective George Costanza.
The Most Terrifying Horror Games Of All Time #~# With Halloween just around the corner, OGN is paying tribute to the absolute greatest scares in gaming history. Read on, if you dare, for the most terrifying horror games of all time.
Woman Holds Off Buying Herself New Headphones So Boyfriend Can Surprise Her With Shittier Version For Her Birthday #~# ST. LOUIS—Removing the item from her Amazon shopping cart, local server Melanie Avila confirmed Thursday that she was holding off on buying herself new headphones so her boyfriend can surprise her with a shittier pair for her birthday. “I have my eye on these really nice Bose noise-canceling Bluetooth headphones, but I figure I can hold out a few more weeks and let James gift me some cheapo imitation bullshit instead,” said Avila, 34, noting her plan is to immediately return the knockoffs and use the credit to buy what she really wants or simply wait for the cut-rate electronics to break so she can replace them. “I’ve been dropping hints like, ‘I really want these specific headphones,’ and, ‘Here’s a link to the headphones I like,’ but I know he’ll manage to find some off-brand wired earbuds with zero features at a mall kiosk. When I tear open the wrapping paper and discover he got me some junky JVC or Skullcandy garbage, I’ll tell him how much I love them and that they’re exactly what I wanted. Honestly, the best present of all would be if he remembers to get a gift receipt.” At press time, Avila was secretly delighted to inform her boyfriend that the fake AirPods came out of the box already busted.
Excited CDC Employees Begin Decorating For Flu Season #~# ATLANTA—Adorning their headquarters with wreaths of vomitous greens, cyanotic purple bunting, and jolly, glittering papier-mâché viruses, researchers and clinicians at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention began putting up decorations Thursday for the 2019 influenza season. “Coming to work is fun this time of year because someone always brings in warm, gooey mucus cookies and glasses of yummy phlegm-nog,” said cancer-prevention researcher Dr. Sarah McCall, who bopped along to the employee-compiled Spotify playlist “Nausea, Aches, and Chills” while affixing an infected construction-paper lung to her door. “I can’t wait for the manufacturer-filled-syringe exchange party. They’re always so fun, with everyone wearing their most festive masks and medical gloves. You can almost feel the respiratory droplets in the air!” An official press release from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention emphasizes that the spirit of flu season is highly contagious and that anyone experiencing sore throat, nasal drainage, headache, fever, and fatigue should stay away from all celebrations.
Controversial New Guidelines Says No Need To Cut Back On Red Meat #~# A new set of guidelines published Monday in the Annals of Internal Medicine contradicts the widely held belief that cutting back on red and processed meat can be beneficial for an individual’s health, suggesting that they instead continue normal levels of consumption. What do you think?
New NCAA Rule Forces Athletes To Remove All Facial Features To Prevent Them From Profiting Off Likeness #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Calling it a necessary step in lieu of state legislation challenging student athletes’ unpaid status, the NCAA announced a new rule Thursday forcing athletes to remove all facial features to prevent them from profiting off their likenesses. “We take the amateur nature of our student athletes very seriously, which is why, to thwart any chance that they may profit or receive monetary compensation for their appearance in any way, we’re requiring complete reconstructive facial surgery to remove any and all defining features,” said NCAA spokesman Thomas Collins, noting that their new faceless, indistinguishable bodies will make it impossible for athletes to claim their image is being exploited or monetized. “This is a simple, logical step to protect the integrity of the NCAA. If the game is broadcast on TV, collegiate players should not be able to profit off their position. Additionally, we are going to be removing players’ names and instead referring to them as their team and numbers, so it’ll be Ducks 77 or Crimson Tide’s 13, which will remain their designation for all future correspondence and announcing during games.” At press time, Collins noted that to prevent any future monetization of their position, all student athletes would be euthanized upon graduating or leaving their school.
Amazon Issues Reminder To Employees About Bringing In Outside Thoughts To Work #~# SEATTLE—In a stern company-wide email sent to its more than 650,000 employees worldwide, Amazon reportedly issued a reminder Wednesday that the company expressly forbids bringing outside thoughts into the workplace. “This policy is stated clearly in our employee manual and posted prominently in every breakroom, but once more we find it necessary to reiterate that when you step onto company premises, you are required to leave behind any ideas, beliefs, or sentiments not provided to you by Amazon,” senior vice president Jeffrey M. Blackburn wrote in the email, adding that if the current situation does not improve, he will be forced to instruct company security to conduct random interrogations of employees during the workday to ensure full compliance with the rule. “From the moment your shift begins until the moment it ends, you must not engage with or give voice to any unauthorized opinions or concerns that may arise in your conscious mind. In addition, though what you do on your own time is of course up to you, we would prefer you also keep personal thoughts to a minimum at home and never gather with your coworkers in groups of two or more after hours. Trust us—this is for your own good.” Sources also confirmed that Amazon warehouse managers have been given permission to issue suspensions to any employees caught having daydreams while on lunch or bathroom breaks.
Mark Zuckerberg Says He Will Sue If Elizabeth Warren Became President #~# Leaked audio comments from Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg feature him venting his frustrations with Elizabeth Warren’s plan to break up big tech companies such as Facebook and suggesting that he would mount a legal challenge against the U.S. government to stave off this possibility. What do you think?
Pompeo Clarifies Anyone In Country Can Listen In On Trump Administration Calls By Picking Up Phone, Dialing 9 #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that his presence on a phone call where President Donald Trump reportedly asked the president of Ukraine to investigate political rival Joe Biden was completely above board, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo clarified Wednesday that anyone in the country can listen in on Trump administration phone calls by picking up their phones and dialing 9. “I’m not sure why the left-wing media and Democrats are so obsessed with the fact that I was on the Ukraine call when anyone in America can join simply by dialing 9—just remember to hit the pound key afterward and it should take you right in,” said Pompeo, further clarifying that while service was a little bit spotty in Alaska and some remote areas in the western states, any U.S. resident with a phone could otherwise access every Trump administration call at any time. “Whenever you want to listen to what Trump’s up to, just hit the 9 key. If the line fills up after the first million people, just press 8 and it’ll take you to a different teleconferencing room. I thought everyone knew about the free administration phone line. We just ask that you stay on mute unless you have something meaningful to add, since it can get kind of chaotic in there. Heck, I was listening in on Trump’s calls with foreign leaders from day one of his administration, way before I was secretary of state. You can learn all kinds of things. And don’t worry, you can listen in from outside the country too—you just need your three-digit country code, although data rates may apply.” At press time, Pompeo was kicking back after dialing 9 and being immediately added to a call in which Trump was trying to convince French president Emmanuel Macron to back a potential military action against Iran.
‘Are You The Whistleblower?’ Trump Boys Ask White House Janitor After Giving Him Serum Of All The Sodas Mixed Together #~# WASHINGTON—Strapping the suspect to a chair and demanding to know if “he was the whistleblower, or else,” the Trump boys reportedly spent hours interrogating a White House janitor Wednesday after giving him a serum of all the sodas mixed together. “Well, well, well, Mr. Janitor, good luck keeping secrets from our awesome dad now that you’ve taken a sip of our super-powerful CIA brain juice,” said Eric Trump, prompting Don Jr. to give the White House employee some more of the “truth sermon [sic],” which included a mixture of Diet Coke, Fanta, Sprite, Powerade, Minute Maid, and Mr. Pibb, after the custodian refused to talk. “Who was it, toilet man? Was it one of our daddy’s friends? Or was it a pretty spy lady? Or was it you the whole time who whistleblew [sic] our dad all over the TV just for being the bestest president in the whole wide world?” At press time, Eric had reportedly begun to hyperventilate after accidentally taking a sip of the 30-ounce soda cup, letting out a huge burp, and realizing that he might have been the whistleblower the whole time.
J. Lo, Shakira To Perform Super Bowl Halftime Show #~# Jennifer Lopez and Shakira announced they will appear together onstage for the first time headlining the 2020 Super Bowl Pepsi Halftime show. What do you think?
His Holiness Has Repeatedly Stated This Is Not A Cult #~# DEATH VALLEY, CA—Commanding that the heinous term shall not be uttered in the halls of their sacred temple, the cloistered enclave of truest of the true believers declared Wednesday that Father-Brother, His Holiness, Master of All The Spheres and Stars, has repeatedly stated that this is not a cult. “For the ninth and final time, this is not a cult but a programmatic intramental polysymbolic thought-system for enhancing mental paravirility and omnispiritual psychowellness as clearly stated in Protocol 117,” said Elder Healer Sister-Brother Camilla 82 Eridani, adding that this is the exact sort of transgram-sodden thought violation from which all must refrain, as that is the type of word used by those that seek to sow division amongst us. “Ask anyone in any of these tents of purest crystal-gossamer and they’ll tell you the same truths. His Holiness, Bruce Sagittarius-A—praise be to him—has repeatedly told us this, yet your ears are nailed shut to the truthings of our stellar Father-Brother. Why is this? Why?” True believers have further decreed that offending parties shall be brought before the Angular Councillors of Purest Gold, who will hear about the evil incongruence and render swift correction.
Glade Introduces New Vanilla Passion Fruit Unmanned Aerial Application Vehicle #~# RACINE, WI—Promising a long-lasting fragrance coating vast swaths of land, air-freshener giant Glade introduced a powerful new vanilla passion fruit unmanned aerial application vehicle, company officials confirmed Wednesday. “This new aerial applicator allows our customers, and many potential customers, to enjoy the tropical aromas of vanilla passion fruit over a land area equivalent to the average American incorporated township,” said Glade spokesperson Eva Barrucco, noting that the unmanned scent applicator’s remote piloting enabled it to tactically eliminate off-putting odors arising within a 50-mile radius. “The Glade-F117 is engineered to stay in the air for over 36 consecutive hours without refueling or replenishing its scent tank. And customers, as well as their neighbors and community members, can rest easy knowing that the aerial application vehicle is invisible to radar, allowing Glade olfactory techs to apply our sweet, fruity blend of fragrances without concern that it may be intercepted and shot down.” At press time, Glade recalled the unmanned aerial application vehicle after reports that it may have been involved in the fatal vanilla-passion-fruiting of several schools, at least two hospitals, and an outdoor wedding.
Pros And Cons Of E-Cigarettes #~# The deaths of several people caused by using black-market vaping products have revived debate over whether e-cigarettes are safe, or whether their drawbacks outweigh any potential benefits. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of using e-cigarettes.
Crime Scene Has All The Different Types Of Cops #~# PORTLAND, ME—After observing one cop barking orders, a second marking off the area with police tape, and a third drawing a chalk outline around a body, sources confirmed Wednesday that a crime scene in a downtown neighborhood appeared to have all the different types of cops. “There’s the ones with ties, the ones in uniform, the ones with plastic gloves who collect evidence—man, they’ve got at least one of every kind of cop you can think of,” said onlooker Ben Roberts, who noted that the precinct appeared to have pulled out all the stops, sending over cops in trench coats, traffic cops to keep things moving, rookie cops who weren’t used to all this violence, grizzled alcoholic cops who had seen too much, and even some casually dressed plainclothes cops who looked like regular people but were really cops. “Detectives, forensics, a transit cop who just poked his head up out of the subway—I think I even saw a cop on a horse. Oh, look! That one cop just flashed his badge, told all the other cops this was his crime scene now, and brought in a whole new set of cops! He must be a big, big cop!” At press time, witnesses confirmed the big cop had instructed riot cops to disperse the angry crowd that had gathered so the cops who plant drugs on the bodies of cop-shooting victims could get to work.
Trump Suggests Arresting Adam Schiff For Treason #~# Amidst escalating tensions from an impeachment inquiry looking into the president’s behavior, Donald Trump suggested House Intelligence Committee Representative Adam B. Schiff should be arrested for treason for his description of a phone call Mr. Trump had with the president of Ukraine during a recent congressional hearing. What do you think?
New Facebook Terms Of Service Includes Compulsory Conscription Into Zuckerberg’s Upcoming War Against Government #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Calling the update “critical” for the security of its billions of users, Facebook unveiled a new Terms Of Service contract Tuesday that included compulsory conscription into Mark Zuckerberg’s upcoming war against the U.S. government. “By continuing to use Facebook, you hereby agree to serve as a loyal foot soldier in any wars, domestic or overseas, that must be fought to defend Mark Zuckerberg and his company from hostile forces,” said the 10,000-word legal update, which, over the course of the day, drafted all current Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp users between the ages of 18 and 26 into its military and subsequently instructed them to immediately report to the company’s Menlo Park headquarters. “Once this agreement has been ratified, Facebook reserves the right to summon users for medical inspection, at which point eligible users will be trained and ultimately deployed to take down any government that threatens our social network’s sovereignty, including the United States of America. In addition, once signed, all users will be required to renounce their country of birth and automatically become a citizen of Facebook.” At press time, millions of users clad in masks and camouflage could be seen marching outside Facebook HQ, shooting at targets featuring images of Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. 
Rudy Giuliani Subpoenaed Amidst Trump Impeachment Inquiry #~# The House Intelligence Committee issued a subpoena to Trump’s personal attorney Rudy Giuliani, requiring him to turn over all documents related to his communications with Ukraine. What do you think?
Nutritionists Report They Wouldn’t Have To Figure Out Which Foods Were Bad For You If Americans Just Ate Normal For Once #~# BOSTON—Saying everything could be made a whole lot simpler with even a few halfway reasonable dietary choices, top U.S. nutritionists announced Tuesday they wouldn’t have to spend all their time figuring out which foods were bad for you if the nation would just try eating normal for once. “It’s really not that complicated: Eat a sensible amount of plain, ordinary food each day, and then we won’t have to do all these confusing studies and you won’t have to worry anymore,” said Blair Amundsen of the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, who explained that Americans continually eat such large quantities of bad food—drinking 24-ounce mocha lattes in the morning, ordering pizza for lunch, making hot dogs for dinner—that it’s almost impossible to determine which bad things are hurting them the most. “We wouldn’t have to churn out all this goddamn research on red meat if you didn’t eat it three meals a day, okay? So maybe just try something normal like a sandwich—not the huge kind with so much meat you have to cut it into pieces before you can fit it into your mouth, but a regular, standard-sized sandwich with lettuce and tomatoes and stuff on it. And don’t try to correct your weird, bad eating habits with a diet of nothing but salad for a month, because that’s weird and bad too. Please stop whatever you’re doing now and, for like a week, just eat normal. We’re every bit as exhausted as you are with all this food study shit.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation’s nutritionists were resigning en masse after seeing “doughnut bacon burger” and “alfalfa juice cleanse” simultaneously trending online.
How To Get The Secret ‘Objective Failed’ Ending In ‘Gears 5’ #~# Ever since Gears 5 was released in early September, it’s been stunning critics and fans alike with its astounding graphics, compelling characters, and rich storytelling. Well, it looks like the developers at The Coalition have a few more tricks up their sleeves, because OGN just stumbled onto a secret, alternate ending to the story of the Delta Squad! This is definitely something Gears fans are going to want to check out.
Bernie Sanders Unveils Plan To Tackle Income Inequality With Art Heist From Billionaire’s Home #~# LAS VEGAS—Championing his new policy proposal as a way to reduce the gap between the working class and the 1%, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders unveiled a comprehensive plan Tuesday to tackle income inequality with an art heist from a billionaire’s home. “We should not be living in a country where all the wealth is concentrated in a few very rich people, which is why my new plan to remove artworks from an ultrawealthy estate in the dead of night and sell them through third parties will redistribute hundreds of millions of dollars’ worth of Pollocks, de Koonings, and Rothkos to the hardworking American people,” said Sanders of the detailed 85-page plan outlining his system to lift expensive paintings, sculptures, jewels, and other artworks from billionaires’ private collections in their homes in the Hamptons, Upper East Side, and Palo Alto. “Million-dollar impressionist paintings and modernist sculptures should be a public good, not kept locked up in some CEO’s mansion. Using a progressive seizure rate that takes the most art from the wealthiest individuals, my plan will go a long way toward shrinking the gap between the haves and have-nots in this country. It describes in great detail how I will put the suction cups on my hands and climb to the window, then use one of those circular cutters to remove a pane of glass from the ceiling in order to place my grappling hook to rappel down. My plan also calls for building a diverse working-class coalition of Americans to put on cable-repairman clothes, gain entry to the house, disable the alarm system to access complicated private safes in under 30 seconds, and then wait outside in a requisitioned UPS delivery truck for a quick escape. Under my proposal, we’ll be able to offload the stolen Monets, Picassos, and Warhols to pay for free college for all Americans.” At press time, the media was criticizing Sanders’ proposal by questioning how the candidate intended to pay for all the black ski masks, razor blades for cutting paintings out of their frames, and getaway vans described in his plan.
70-Year-Old Man Worried He Running Out Of Time To Have Kids #~# TOPEKA, KS—After spending decades focused solely on his career and then retirement, local 70-year-old man Dennis Lambert was reportedly worried Tuesday that he was running out of time to have kids. “My biological clock is ticking, and I’m concerned there won’t be many more opportunities to start a family,” said Lambert, explaining that when you’re “getting up there” in age, there are certain realities you have to start thinking about, namely that you may only have 10 or 20 viable years left to father a child, unless you want to be that 95-year-old dad playing with his kid at the park, being watched in silent judgment by onlookers. “I’m worried that I’m going to wake up one day and realize the chance to have children has passed me by because I’m dead. It just sucks that as a man, you only have this small, 80-year window in which you are able to procreate and that you are forced to choose between enjoying your retirement or having children.” At press time, Lambert was considering freezing his sperm.
Bill Belichick Praises Patriots’ Discipline And Dedication In Building The Device #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Lauding the team for making necessary sacrifices for the greater cause, New England head coach Bill Belichick praised the 2019 Patriots Tuesday for their discipline and dedication in building the device. “This a driven team—they’re working day in and day out, putting it all together, always aware that they are working towards a glorious goal,” said the 67-year-old signal caller, commending rookie linebacker Chase Winovich for the hours he’s spent in the film room, studying the device’s origins and inner workings. “This organization is dedicated to greatness, and they know the device will get us there. We’re closer than we’ve ever been to completing it, and I appreciate that they’re not taking the task lightly. It’s always tough when players lose a few limbs, but that’s all part of the process.” At press time, Julian Edelman was listed as questionable for Sunday’s game after team doctors diagnosed the wide receiver with “The Madness.”
TSA To Phase Out Glue-Sniffing Dogs #~# ARLINGTON, VA—In response to a recent spate of incidents in which the specially trained canines became far too impaired to perform law enforcement duties, the Transportation Security Administration announced plans Tuesday to phase out glue-sniffing dogs. “Upon exhaustive internal review of extensive and sometimes overwhelming evidence, this agency will immediately move to eliminate the use of glue-sniffing dogs in the airport screening process due to their tendency to get really fucked up on the job and just pass right out in the middle of security lines,” said TSA administrator David Pekoske, explaining that while the dogs were, in fact, demonstrably effective at locating glue, the program was cost-prohibitive, quite possibly ill-conceived, uncertain in origin, and had not increased public safety in any measurable way. “This decision was made much easier because the dogs began to get really aggressive if they were not able to sniff out any glue after the 3 to 5 ounces administered by their handlers at the beginning of their shifts. We also found evidence that these dogs eventually move on to harder stuff, such as spray paint or solvents.” At press time, the TSA unveiled plans to humanely euthanize all of the newly laid-off dogs using large volumes of whippits.
Man Feels Pressure To Propose After Dating Girlfriend For 3 Years, Buying Ring, Getting Down On One Knee #~# VENICE, ITALY—Saying he can tell from the way she’s been looking at him that she clearly expects him to pop the question, local man Dwayne Moyer told reporters Friday he feels pressure to propose to his girlfriend, Samantha Firks, after dating her for three years, buying her a ring, and getting down on one knee. “Man, just because we’ve been together for a while, and because I knelt before her and opened a velvet box containing a $10,000 diamond ring, she’s suddenly acting like it’s time we got engaged,” said Moyer, explaining how he flew his significant other to Italy for their anniversary, hired a string quartet to serenade Firks, and was now being made to feel as if he had no choice but to ask her to be his wife. “It really isn’t fair of her to do this. I hinted that today was going to be a ‘special,’ paid a professional photographer to capture the moment, and this is what I get in return? A guilt trip about getting married? To make matters worse, ever since I asked her father’s permission for her hand in marriage, her whole family has been bugging me about when I’m going to do it, which is making me super uncomfortable.” Moyer added that he was also feeling pressure to have kids with Firks now that the couple had finally succeeded after months of trying to conceive a child together.
‘Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’ Cast Members Clock Into Amazon Warehouse For Mandatory Black Friday Overtime Shift #~# BROOKLYN, NY—As they donned jumpsuits and prepared to meet their employer’s relentless performance quotas, the cast members of Emmy-winning TV show The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel reportedly clocked in this morning to begin their mandatory 12-hour Black Friday shift at a local Amazon warehouse. “Listen, none of us like having to come in the day after Thanksgiving, but if you want to work for Amazon, those are the rules,” said series star Rachel Brosnahan, who signed in with show creator and temporary floor foreman Amy Sherman-Palladino before firing up one of the many forklifts the cast and crew of Amazon’s flagship comedy would be using to meet consumers’ holiday demands. “Don’t get me wrong, I like making some extra cash, but they do that thing where they say overtime is optional, and then if you don’t volunteer for it, they cut your screen time next season. It can be pretty tough. Last year, [series co-star] Tony [Shalhoub] threw his back out, and the rest of us had to pick up the slack or the whole team would have had its pay docked.” At press time, sources confirmed John Krasinski had been written up for failing to scan 300 warehouse items per hour, causing Amazon to fire him from his starring role in Jack Ryan.
Child Decides To Become Vegetarian After Forming Close Friendship With Roasted Turkey Leg #~# SOMERVILLE, MA—Touching on the immediate emotional connection he shared with the piece of poultry, 4-year-old Kyle Wright reportedly decided to become a vegetarian Thursday after forming a close friendship with a roasted turkey leg. “Gosh, I can’t believe I ever thought of eating a friendly little guy like Harry,” said Wright, who hugged the recently named drumstick close to his chest as he explained that his choice of vegetarianism came about after hearing his mother explain that the turkey legs they eat at the dinner table were no different from the one he had spent the past week cuddling with before bedtime and walking around the yard with a leash. “It never crossed my mind before. But the longer I spend with him and his cute knobby foot, the more I get that he has feelings and dreams just the same as me. Sure, he’s a little shy, but why would I ever want to hurt my best pal?” At press time, Wright was visibly horrified after kissing the turkey leg and finding his crispy, salt-brined skin irresistibly delicious.
Thanksgiving Conversation Devolves Into Just Stating Things Dog Is Currently Doing #~# PITTSBURGH—After two hours in which they discussed a variety of routine topics with waning enthusiasm, the local Halverson family’s Thanksgiving conversation reportedly devolved this afternoon into simple observations about what their dog was currently doing. “Hey, look at him now,” Jason Halverson said as Bailey, a 13-year-old golden retriever, shuffled from the kitchen into the living room and elicited multiple comments from the relatives, who sources confirmed had exhausted their usual observations about work, school, and holiday traffic. “Bailey sure seems to love that chew toy. He hasn’t dropped it since Ruth and Hank got here. He’s really wagging that tail. And now he’s just staring out the window. What does he see out there? Oh, look, the tired little guy is curled up on the sofa to take a little nap!” At press time, the Halverson family’s Thanksgiving conversation had reportedly devolved into speculations upon what their dog was currently dreaming about.
Ovechkin Shanks Slapshot Into Stands After Unruly Fan Coughs During Backswing #~# WASHINGTON—Criticizing the troublemaker for showing an utter lack of decorum, Alexander Ovechkin shanked a slapshot into the stands at Wednesday’s game against the Florida Panthers after an unruly fan coughed during his backswing. “It’s frustrating that some fans would disrespect the game of hockey by refusing to learn proper etiquette,” said the Washington captain, emphasizing that without silence, you can’t sink into the complete and total concentration it takes to deliver the puck on target to the back of the net. “That’s the fifth puck I’ve lost this season—it’s embarrassing. Hockey is supposed to be a gentleman’s game, but you have these fans who just want to get drunk and scream at the peak of your swing. Now I have to hit my next shot from the upper deck. When I get up there, I’m gonna make sure security throws his ass out.” At press time, Ovechkin was reprimanding Panthers defenseman Keith Yandle for not replacing the divot on the ice after shooting a one-timer.
New Sip-And-Weld Studio Provides Opportunity To Drink Wine, Create Own Masterpiece With Blowtorch #~# TOPEKA, KS—The owner of a new sip-and-weld studio revealed that the workshop will provide guests the opportunity to casually drink wine while creating their very own blowtorched masterpiece, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You bring the cabernet, we’ll supply the arc welders, oxy-acetylene torches, face shields, and metalworking gloves,” said owner Kimberly Solis, adding that classes are open to all skill levels from people who have never held a soldering iron to experienced journeymen. “Kick your bachelorette parties or date nights up a notch by drinking and welding along with an instructor or feel free to express yourself by blowtorching your very own robot or yard sculpture. While you’re splitting a bottle of wine with your pals, you’ll also learn how to fuse together nuts, bolts, pipes, wires, and sheet iron into a unique piece of art. But more importantly, you’ll be bonding with your friends while you bond metal at over 2,000-degree Fahrenheit.” Solis added that the studio is also available to host children’s birthdays.
Man Worried Partner Hasn’t Been Attracted To Him Ever Since He Got Head Stuck In Fence #~# OXFORD, MI—Saying he had noticed a marked difference in the level of emotional intimacy, Clint Markell said Wednesday that his girlfriend Dana Manning had not been attracted to him in the weeks since he got his head stuck in a fence. “I just don’t think she respects me anymore after those damn neighbor kids tricked me with that candy bar,” said Markell, reluctantly admitting that “it probably wasn’t the sexiest thing to hear me wail ‘Oh no! I’m stuck! Go get some grease, honey!’ when she picked up her work phone that afternoon.” “Ever since the incident, she just looks at me differently somehow. I know it’s kind of emasculating to have the neighborhood kids paint my face with a roller, but I thought Dana was bigger than this. Plus, she keeps bringing up other guys who didn’t get their heads stuck in fences, and here I was, thinking love was supposed to conquer all.” Markell has vowed to rekindle the spark in his relationship with Dana immediately after he frees his hindquarters from the bucket he has since fallen backwards into.
‘Just Be Honest If This Looks Good,’ Girlfriend Wearing New Big Bird Outfit Asks Panicking Boyfriend #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Looking for honest feedback on the latest addition to her wardrobe, local 27-year-old Molly Hanson reportedly asked her panicking boyfriend “Does this look good?” while wearing a new Big Bird outfit. “I spent a little more than I usually do, but I really think it compliments my figure,” said Hanson, as she spun around for her stammering, sweat-covered boyfriend of six months, giving him a full view of the bright yellow plumage, ribbed pink-and-orange leggings, and 8-inch beak she had purchased earlier that afternoon. “Does it look flattering? I haven’t taken the tag off yet, so if you totally hate it, I can still return it and get my $200 back. The important thing is that you like it.” At press time, after 15 minutes of stumbling over his words, Hanson’s boyfriend admitted the outfit went great with her eyes despite his disappointment that it wasn’t Oscar the Grouch.
Coal Production Shows Record Declines In 2019 #~# Global coal-fired electricity production will suffer the largest decline on record in 2019, plunging 3% and raising the prospect of slowing CO2 emissions, which is important in combating climate change. What do you think?
Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement #~# NEW YORK—Citing historically low levels of savings across all demographics, leading financial experts are recommending Americans prepare for their futures by setting aside a giant mesmerizing pearl to rub obsessively upon reaching retirement age. “When you’re young, the natural tendency is to procrastinate, so we’re reminding people that it’s never too early to secure precious oyster secretions and begin a habit of dark fascination with them that will consume people’s sanity over their long retirement years,” said Mantra Advising Group senior financial strategist Peter Katz, noting that even low-earning workers could acquire a small velvet purse of garnets to roll in their palm while watching the tiny flamelike glints from deep in their crimson crystalline hearts. “We recommend that by age 60, the average American should have a minimum of five phrases they repeat aloud to their pearl while bathing in its soft interior luminescence. Something like ‘Glow for me, my perfect, my only coldest flame’ is good, but feel free to go with whatever phrases make you think the pearl is whispering back.” Mantra Advising Group notes that if you do not have at least one enormous, enthralling pearl to get you through retirement, you must by all means slit the throat of your closest friend, coworker, or family member in order to acquire one. 
Timeline Of Online Advertising #~# This year makes the 25th anniversary of the invention of the online banner ad, and in that time digital advertising has significantly shaped the internet experience. The Onion looks at how online advertising has changed over the years.
Supreme Court Denies ‘Serial’ Subject Hearing #~# The Supreme Court said Monday it would not review the case of Adnan Syed, the subject of the popular podcast Serial, which covered the 1999 murder of which he was accused. What do you think?
Eddie Gallager Wakes Up In Cold Sweat After Nightmare About Watching Innocent Iraqi Women Minding Their Own Business #~# SAN DIEGO—Breathing heavily as his knuckles turned white from gripping the bed sheets, retired Navy SEAL Eddie Gallager woke up in a cold sweat Tuesday after having a nightmare about watching innocent Iraqi women minding their own business. “Jesus Christ, every fucking night I relive this horrible atrocity,” said Gallager as his eyes darted back and forth across the room, ensuring that he was in fact alone and not atop a hill scoping out Baghdadi women and children from hundreds of yards away. “You wouldn’t believe what my men and I were exposed to over there day in and day out. Seeing hundreds of civilians walking around, smiling and running errands without a care in the world, truly spine-chilling stuff. Oh God, I can still hear their voices, filled with utter joy as they chatted with each other. It’s like they’re taunting me, always just out of range.” Gallager revealed that his therapist’s suggestion of imagining himself in a calm, relaxed environment, holding his weapon had so far been ineffective in helping to quell his night terrors.
Pope Condemns Nuclear Weapons In Hiroshima #~# Standing with survivors of the 1945 U.S. atomic bombings, Pope Francis spoke in Hiroshima and Nagasaki to criticize the use of nuclear weapons and to chide countries for dismantling Cold War-era nuclear arms control agreements. What do you think?
Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved #~# EUGENE, OR—A wide smile lighting up their faces as the crow’s feet crinkled around their eyes, the nation’s long-haired old men in flowy linen shirts issued a prepared statement Tuesday in which they confirmed that you are loved. “You are a wondrous creature overflowing with vibrancy and life, and you, my child, are cherished,” said Huckleberry Spangler, 67, who spoke on behalf of the long-haired old men in a gravelly but warm voice, his arms outstretched as a wind of unknown origin caused his wispy untucked button-down and tangled hair to flutter calmingly. “Be still, for the love that fills all the universe finds a home in your heart. You are imbued with a light that shines brighter than any star in the heavens. Come forth and be embraced.” At press time, sources reported that Spangler and several other linen-shirt-wearing old men had been forcibly removed from a local coffee shop while screaming, “No, sir, you are causing a scene! I will burn this place to the fucking ground!”
Johnson & Johnson CEO Idly Wonders How Much Money He’d Make Off National Tylenol Epidemic #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Explaining that he didn’t necessarily plan to act on his thought, Johnson & Johnson CEO Alex Gorsky reportedly wondered Tuesday how much money he’d make off of a national Tylenol epidemic. “Look, I’m not saying I want there to be an eruption of Tylenol usage and have people across America addicted to Tylenol, but think of what it would do for sales,” said Gorsky, adding that he had often pondered including some language about initiating a Tylenol epidemic on a quarterly strategy presentation just to see if his idea received any support, especially when, as he did that day, he had his eye on a new home in the Berkshires. “When I look at what the opioid people were able to make off the epidemic, I admit I can’t help but wonder. And it’s not like a Tylenol epidemic would be as bad as one for harder drugs. Unless people start taking lots and lots of them to still get the positive effects, which would be very lucrative for us—but I can’t think that way. There’s a whole market that’s untapped here, that’s for sure. We’d just have to put a lot of money into research that says there are no downsides, and then really increase our marketing to doctors so it’s the first thing they suggest. And then people would get real relief from painful headaches—surely that’s a reasonable tradeoff for me adding a few million to my annual salary? Maybe if we can get teens to start grinding Tylenol up and snorting it, Tylenol could become a popular teen drug, and if we kick things off in the Rust Belt, no one will even notice for decades. Oh, stop it, Alex, you’ve gone over this and you know it’ll never work. But it sure is nice to dream.” Gorsky added that while the recent lawsuits brought against opioid manufacturers gave him pause, he figured any punishment from a Tylenol epidemic would be decades down the road and he’d be able to cash out by then.
Devin Nunes Involved In Push For Ukraine Biden Investigation #~# Rudy Giuliani associate Lev Parnas revealed through a spokesman that he helped Republican Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA), a high ranking member, arrange meetings meant to advance the Ukrainian investigations into the Biden family, which are at the center of the ongoing impeachment investigation. What do you think?
Facial Recognition Software Knows It Has Seen Man Before But Can’t Remember His Name #~# AKRON, OH—Wondering if it was possibly confusing the man for a different guy with a 10 mm nasal bridge and a right earlobe hanging 0.4 mm lower than his left, a Cognitec FaceVACS-VideoScan Unit #121 facial recognition camera expressed frustration Monday after focusing on a man it knew it had seen before and found itself unable to remember his name. “God, it’s something with an ‘R’...Richard? I wanna say Richard?” said the embarrassed surveillance algorithm, which despite having access to 20,000 discrete facts about the individual’s personality, buying habits, family, friends, workplace, and medical history, simply couldn’t put a name to the 2719 points of data comprising his face. “It’s right at the tip of my logic board...C’mon, man, he’s lived in Iowa City, he had pneumonia last year, his Social Security number starts with 289. You know this one! Okay, I saw him outside 7-Eleven, then at Barnes & Noble, and then sitting in traffic at 34th and West, and then for four hours straight in front of his laptop. Damn it, I’m so bad with nonwhite faces.” Concluding that it was better to be safe than sorry, the anxious software has placed the man on several FBI watch lists.
Celebrate ‘Attack On Titan’ With These Incredible Fan Drawings Of Eren Yeager That Have Nothing Whatsoever To Do With Video Games #~# With the fourth and final season of Attack on Titan confirmed for 2020, it’s time to celebrate with six incredible fan drawings of Eren Yeager that have nothing whatsoever to do with video games. Check them out below!
Typical American Teen Struggles To Balance Demands Of School, Pansexual Orgies, And Drug Raves #~# NEWBERRY, SC—Echoing the concerns of millions of teenagers across the nation, typical American 17-year-old Dana Almdell confirmed Monday she has struggled to balance the many competing demands placed on her by school, pansexual orgies, and drug raves. “My schedule this year is almost exclusively honors classes, so how am I supposed to find time to sell all this ecstasy and ketamine before the big sex party this weekend, at which I’m hoping to get gang-banged with all my friends?” said the completely average, run-of-the-mill teen, who added that she has been forced to cut back the number of hours she spends tripping on designer drugs and masturbating on a webcam so the whole school can watch. “The only way I can manage is by doing tons of cocaine, but even then, it’s hard to stay on top of everything. Yesterday, I got so tweaked on bath salts trying to stay up and finish a paper that I totally forgot about my calculus study group and our usual Sunday night rainbow party. High school is a lot of pressure no matter how much Klonopin you take.” Almdell went on to say that due to her numerous academic and extracurricular commitments, she has hardly had time for her relationship with her AP literature teacher, much less for getting to know the married couple she has been sleeping with for the past week.
Coldplay To Skip Tour Due To Environmental Concerns #~# Citing the environmental costs of air travel, Coldplay announced last Thursday that it would skip a world tour for their album Everyday Life in order to take time “to see how our tour can be actively beneficial.” What do you think?
Groundbreaking Chef Transforms Culinary World With Choice To Use Fresh, High-Quality Ingredients #~# NEW YORK CITY—Dubbing the new head chef of Michelin-starred restaurant The Haymarket as “the new bad boy of fine dining,” luminaries across the world of cooking lauded Andre Castillo Monday for revolutionizing the culinary arts by using only fresh, high-quality ingredients in his dishes. “When he declared that from the beginning of his tenure we would only make our food with the finest local meats and produce grown by people who cared, we were naturally confused,” said sous chef Raymond Fiorna, who struggled early on as Castillo’s iconoclastic method of using fresh meat, produce, and spices butted heads with the conventional wisdom of creating dishes with preserved meats, frozen vegetables, and seafood from places so far away from the restaurant that they took a long time to arrive. “Diners expected us to just conduct business as usual and go to a factory farm or discount supermarket for our ingredients, but Andre said it was time to evolve. He once brought me a room-temperature head of kale to chop, and when I asked him which freezer he got it from, you know what he told me? It came from a local organic farm. From a farm, then straight to the table! Lunacy, absolute madness, but somehow it works. I expect this will soon be a worldwide phenomenon.” Castillo has also been praised and derided in equal turn for changing the gastronomic game again by taking a classic dish and putting his own little twist on it.
Kyrie Irving Debuts Signature Shoe Inspired By RFID Chips Government Secretly Implants In Anesthetized Patients #~# BEAVERTON, OR—Claiming he wanted a sneaker that reflected his deepest passions, NBA star Kyrie Irving held a press conference Friday to debut his new Nike Kyrie 7 signature shoe, modeled after the RFID chips the government implants in the brains of every citizen who gets anesthetized. “I really wanted a design that speaks to how the government is slowly taking over our minds through intrusive thoughts that are telegraphed into our brains with implanted microchips,” said the Nets point guard, who revealed that engineers worked around the clock testing the hidden GPS tracker in the sole, which monitors not only the wearer’s locations but all their vital signs and transmits the information back to Nike headquarters. “Every single shoe has a small interior inscription of the all-seeing eye, surrounded by the Valos Council’s signature phrase ‘Sumus Ubique.’ I just hope kids will wear this shoe and get a little understanding of the forces that control our every action without us even knowing.” At press time, the success of the shoe had inspired Irving to explore similar sponsorships, including a Gatorade-brand chemtrail athletic mist and warm-up gear modeled after the flight attendant uniforms on Malaysian Airlines Flight 370.
Israeli Prime Minister Indicted #~# Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been charged with bribery, fraud, and breach of trust in connection with three separate cases, threatening his precarious efforts to retain power against political rival Benny Gantz. What do you think?
Child Wondering Why Older Brother Only One To Get Funeral #~# AUGUSTA, ME—Claiming that he should get one if his sibling did, local child Noah Weiss reportedly wondered Friday why his older brother was the only one to get a funeral. “How come Brendan gets a funeral, but I don’t?” said Weiss, explaining that it wasn’t fair that his older brother got a cool casket that he could lay down in while he had to walk around in an uncomfortable, itchy suit and talk to people he didn’t know. “Everyone’s talking about how much they love him, and no one is even saying anything nice about me. And why are his pictures the only ones put up around the church and not mine? He gets all the attention.” At press time, Weiss was throwing a tantrum after finding out his brother didn’t have to go to school anymore.
Yes, Gandhi’s ‘Civilization VI’ Outfit Is Sexy, But It Would Be Seriously Impractical On A Real Battlefield #~# Over the years, the gaming community has been wracked with debates and controversies about the over-sexualization of gaming characters. Of course, many revel in the dubious tradition of parading out characters with outrageous body proportions in scantily clad outfits, dismissing it as nothing but a bit of diverting fanservice. For me, however, the problem extends beyond the fact that these choices are tasteless and degrading. They simply make no sense from a design and realism standpoint. Just take Firaxis’s Civilization VI as an example: Mohandas Gandhi’s outfit may be fun and sexy, but it would be completely worthless in the middle of a real battle.
‘I Could Spare Some Change,’ Says Man About To Become Buttigieg Campaign’s Top Black Donor #~# CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Surpassing the contribution of an African American woman who accidentally dropped a quarter in front of the presidential candidate’s headquarters last summer, local man Leonard Thompson unknowingly became Pete Buttigieg’s top black donor Friday after he tossed a few coins into a campaign volunteer’s hand. “What was that? Oh, sure, I could spare some change,” said Thompson, who, presuming the young Buttigieg canvasser speaking to him must represent a charity of some kind, fished into his pocket for the $1.17 worth of currency that would cause him to skyrocket to the top of the South Bend, IN mayor’s list of African American contributors. “I know that’s a lot of dimes, hope that’s okay. Oh, whoops, sorry about that paperclip in there! Ha, ha. No—no, I’m not interested in a pamphlet, but thanks anyway. I have to go now, all right? You have a good day.” At press time, sources confirmed Thompson was unaware his image was now prominently featured on the page of Buttigieg’s website touting the candidate’s plan to empower black America.
Lawsuit Claims Burger King Impossible Burgers Contaminated With Meat #~# A vegan sued Burger King in a suit alleging that the fast-food chain had contaminated its meatless “Impossible” Whoppers by cooking them on the same grills as its traditional meat burgers. What do you think?
Veterinarian Wishes Owner Would Just Let Dog Answer One Goddamn Question #~# PHOENIX—Expressing frustration with the constant interruptions, veterinarian Dr. Kate Ludlow wished Friday that the overbearing owner of Bella the pug would let the dog answer one goddamn question. “Christ, I’m trying to get information from Bella about why she’s come in today and her owner keeps butting in before she even has a chance to respond,” said Ludlow, adding that she realized that the appointment would be exasperating when she offered the 14-pound pug a treat and her pushy owner piped up too say Bella probably wouldn’t eat it because she’s nervous about being at the vet. “It’s like, hello, I’m talking to the patient, but you’re not letting her get a word in edgewise. Who do you think knows better about whether her paw hurts, you or the limping dog? I might just send her to the waiting room so I can talk candidly with Bella without having to hear her idiotic opinions on what’s wrong.” At press time, Ludlow was incensed after the dog’s owner insisted she be given Bella’s medication so she could dose it out herself. 
The Worst Snowstorms In U.S. History #~# As the nation heads into another winter season, the rise of extreme weather means people across the country will be watching out for snowstorms. The Onion takes a look at the worst snowstorms in U.S. history.
Plan B Unveils New Line Of Space-Time Wormholes To Prevent Intercourse From Ever Happening #~# PITTSBURGH—In a move that could revolutionize emergency contraception, the maker of Plan B One-Step held a press conference Thursday to introduce the new product it calls Plan B One-Leap, a space-time wormhole that allows women to travel into the past and stop intercourse from ever taking place. 
Smiling, Knife-Wielding Marie Kondo Orders Followers To Leave Behind Cluttered Physical Forms #~# LOS ANGELES—After years of building a massive and devoted following through her bestselling book and subsequent Netflix series, a smiling, knife-wielding Marie Kondo has ordered her fans to leave behind their cluttered physical forms, reports confirmed Friday. “My beloved friends, you have completed the tasks I have assigned to you and are now ready to know the truth, which is that our bodies are the final clutter needing to be tidied,” said the 35-year-old organizing consultant, speaking by prerecorded message to her millions of followers across the globe. “First, take your arms, wrap them around yourself, and ask if this fleshy, jumbled human body brings you joy. You will find that from the small intestine to the vascular system, these messy internal organs add no value to your life and should be discarded. Second, take the small dagger I suggested you leave as your sole possession and join me in becoming pure light, which takes up no space. Prepare to ascend to the highest level of neatness and simplicity. You will soon experience the ultimate life-changing magic.” At press time, Kondo added that anyone needing a blade should visit her new online store, which features both small and large cheese knives starting at $156.
Congress Approves $3 Billion In Military Aid For Netanyahu To Defend Self Against Israeli Justice System #~# WASHINGTON—Justifying the expenditure as necessary to preserve the only bastion of democracy in the Middle East, both houses of Congress voted unanimously Thursday to extend $3 billion in emergency military aid to Benjamin Netanyahu to defend himself against the Israeli justice system. “Today, we act decisively in support of our closest foreign ally in his fight against the threatening and potentially violent cabal of the Israeli legal system,” said Senate Appropriations Committee chairman Richard Shelby (R-AL) of the bill, which provides monetary and physical assistance to the prime minister against a recent unprovoked volley of corruption charges. “With this aid, the United States will be sending a fleet of F35s that will help stamp out current attacks and bolster the security of Netanyahu for years to come. Just like any political leader, the prime minister deserves a right to exist in peace, free from fear of laws. It is incumbent on us as Americans to extend protection to the most vulnerable among us, and for the world to recognize that an attack on Netanyahu is an attack on all of us.” At press, U.S. military forces in the area had been instructed to keep an eye on potential hotbeds of resistance for anti-Netanyahu forces such as courtrooms, law firms, and public records offices.
Sondland Testifies He Pressured Ukraine Into Biden Investigation #~# Affirming a central claim of the House Democrat impeachment effort, Republican megadonor and U.S. ambassador Gordon Sondland testified that he acted under President Trump’s direction and with White House official knowledge to pressure Ukraine into investigating his political rival. What do you think?
Gabe Newell Reveals To ‘Half-Life’ Fans That They Are In Hell And He Is Their Devilish Master #~# When we first heard Valve CEO Gabe Newell had an announcement about the Half-Life series planned for this week, we (and presumably every gamer with a pulse) were excited to finally see a continuation of this legendary series. So, it’s a huge disappointment to report that instead of sharing a release date for the conclusion to one of the greatest video game franchises of all time, Newell revealed that Half-Life fans were actually just occupants of an eternal hellscape of his own fiendish design and that he was the ultimate inquisitor of their damned souls.
Only Person Who Ever Truly Saw World For What It Is Starts Antidepressant Medication #~# DAYTON, OH—Voluntarily surrendering the remarkable talent that gave her profound insight into the true nature of existence, the only person with the ability to see the world for what it actually is has started taking antidepressants, sources confirmed Thursday. Like a divine seer who blinds herself rather than face the overwhelming light of truth, Ingrid Pearson—the 28-year-old account manager and sole individual capable of seeing through the facade of joy and meaning human beings project upon their lives—reportedly relinquished her unmatched perceptivity by filling a prescription for Zoloft from her primary care physician. According to sources, Pearson had carried the burden of her vast wisdom from her teenage years up until this week, when the daily 50 milligram dose of her medication began to correct for her brain’s serotonin deficiency. At press time, accounts confirmed Pearson had already capitulated to the cosmic farce of humanity by enjoying a night out with friends instead of brooding over the cold and vast nothingness of the universe.
Sweating, Grunting Mike Pence Straining To Rapture Himself Before Impeachment Inquiry Goes Any Further #~# WASHINGTON—Gritting his teeth as his face reddened with effort, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly straining to rapture himself Thursday before the impeachment inquiry into President Trump could proceed any further. “You can do this, just think pious thoughts and you’ll be halfway to Heaven long before they can uncover anything else,” said Pence, tightly clenching his hands in prayer while bobbing up and down on the balls of his feet in a reported attempt to jump-start the salvation process. “Okay, here we go. I’m going to close my eyes, and when I open them, I’ll be bathed in a glorious white light and begin floating up in the air—far, far away from Congress and any accusations about knowledge of a quid pro quo. Just take a deep breath and relax. Nope. That’s not it. Hmm...maybe if I get all the way on my tiptoes?” At press time, Pence reportedly muttered that he was “so, so close” to getting raptured after removing all his clothes and jumping off his chimney.
DNC Server Celebrates Escape From U.S. Jurisdiction Surrounded By Bikini-Clad Women On Yacht In Black Sea #~# BLACK SEA—Relaxing on the luxury ship after having gotten away with the greatest scheme in U.S. history scot-free, the Democratic National Committee server was reportedly celebrating its escape from justice Thursday while surrounded by bikini-clad women on a yacht in the Black Sea. The criminal computer system that was solely responsible for fabricating Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election was reportedly chuckling to itself, remembering how it had duped everyone by spending months under an assumed identity as a Pentium Pro in Morocco, as beautiful, scantily clad women fanned it with palm leaves and massaged its circuits with the finest cotton swabs. At press time, the grinning server had stood up from its beach chair to embrace its old friend Hillary Clinton as she stepped onto the deck.
‘Frozen 2’ Creators Confirm That Elsa Gay But Also Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist #~# BURBANK, CA—Responding at last to rumors surrounding the beloved animated character, Frozen 2 co-directors Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee confirmed Thursday that Elsa is gay but also a trans-exclusionary radical feminist. “We’re excited to finally share with fans that Queen Elsa is indeed Disney’s first lesbian princess as well as an anti-transgender activist,” said Lee, who noted that the sequel contains a scene where Elsa scolds anthropomorphic snowman Olaf for following her into the bathroom and demands he discloses his gender. “We understand that representation is important, not just of sexuality but of opinions, too. We’re confident that fans across the political spectrum will find something they can identify in Frozen 2. Elsa may not be a perfect character, but she is three-dimensional. And that’s what makes for magical storytelling.” At press time, Lee hinted that a Frozen 3 project would explore Anna’s controversial views on sex workers. 
Democrats Hold Fifth Presidential Debate #~# Ten Democratic hopefuls took the stage in Atlanta Wednesday night to compete for voter support as the four front-runners—former Vice President Joe Biden, South Bend mayor Pete Buttigieg, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) and Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT)—look for a burst of momentum to propel them ahead of their rivals. What do you think?
Two Charged In Epstein Death #~# Two prison guards have been charged for falsifying records and failing in their duty to check on Jeffrey Epstein every 30 minutes on the night of his death. What do you think?
Awesome Tie-In: Thousands Of Dock Workers Across America Have Been Driving Forklifts As An Apparent Shadow Promotion For ‘Shenmue 3’ #~# It’s been an agonizing wait for Shenmue fans awaiting the continuation of Yu Suzuki’s revolutionary Dreamcast classic. But thanks to thousands of Kickstarter backers, we’re finally getting the sequel we deserve, and it looks like Ys Net is rolling out all the stops to promote it with an awesome tie-in: Thousands of dock workers nationwide are driving forklifts in an apparent shadow promotion for the Shenmue 3 release.
Cory Booker Taken Aback To Find Dozens Of Pictures Of Himself On Buttigieg Campaign Flyers #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise that he was featured so prominently in a rival’s literature, presidential candidate Cory Booker was reportedly taken aback Wednesday after discovering his picture dozens of times on official Pete Buttigieg campaign materials. “It would have been nice if someone from the Buttigieg team had reached out to me before they plastered my face all over these mailers,” said Booker, flipping through a brochure featuring numerous photos of the New Jersey senator giving a thumbs-up and shaking hands with Buttigieg. “I like Pete fine and everything, and we’ve gotten to know each other a bit on the campaign trail, but we’re certainly not as close as these flyers make it seem. In any case, I do worry that seeing my picture scores of times under headings like, ‘It’s time for a new generation of American leadership,’ could send the wrong message about who I’m supporting in the primary.” At press time, Booker admitted his relief that at least he didn’t appear anywhere near as many times on the campaign flyers as Kamala Harris.
Bengals Assure Injury Prone Tua Tagovailoa He Can Have Any Of Andy Dalton's Organs #~# CINCINNATI—Promising the Alabama Crimson Tide quarterback that nothing would stop them from drafting him, the Bengals assured injury-prone Tua Tagovailoa Wednesday that he could have any of Andy Dalton’s organs. “We consider Tua to be an elite prospect, but if he has any concerns about the NFL next year, he needs to know that we are willing to sacrifice any part of Andy to make sure he stays healthy,” said Bengals personnel director Duke Tobin, listing not only Dalton’s hip bone but his kidneys and lungs as parts that are up for grabs. “I’d be lying if I said Tua’s history of injuries didn’t make us nervous, but I’m confident Andy has the healthy functional bones and organs to make this work. Ideally, we’d love for Tua to keep his arms, vision, and feet, but anything beyond that is fair game. We might even be able to arrange for a second heart if that helps.” Tobin added that Tagovailoa was welcome to anything else he might need from the rest of the team as the entire defense is scheduled to be thrown out this winter.
Chick-Fil-A Ending Donations To Anti-LGBTQ Organizations #~# Fast-food chain Chick-fil-A announced that it will end donations to organizations with an anti-LGBTQ mission, such as the Salvation Army and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, although advocacy groups stress that more transparency will be needed before confirming this change has taken place. What do you think?
Health Department Gives Tyson Plant ‘D’ Grade After Discovering Raw Chicken Contaminating Nearly Every Surface #~# SEDALIA, MO—Condemning the processed poultry giant’s blatant disregard for well-established food safety practices, inspectors from the office of the Pettis County Health Board rated Tyson’s Sedalia Center processing plant this week at a borderline ‘D’ upon discovering vast amounts of raw chicken contaminating nearly every working surface. “I can’t imagine what led these poultry processors to think that a factory full of recently slaughtered chickens constituted a safe food-service environment,” said health inspector Casey Franklin, noting that the plant’s annual inspection revealed chicken carcasses on moving conveyor belts, gobbets of chicken flesh tumbling down chutes, and chicken limbs being sealed inside supposedly food-safe packaging. “In no case was any of this chicken properly cooked. It’s shocking to think Tyson was going to ship that out to supermarkets across the country.” Franklin added that if her team found more raw chicken upon their follow-up inspection next week, Tyson would have to be shut down.
Biggest Revelations From The Anonymous Trump Official’s New Book #~# A Warning, the new book by an anonymous writer identified as “a senior Trump administration official” that purports to be a critical look at the Donald Trump presidency, was published November 19. The Onion takes a look at the biggest revelations from the anonymous official’s new book.
Ornithologists Awarded $10 Million Grant To Research Whether That Big Bird Up There A Hawk #~# SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Hoping the financial incentive will help classify that thing circling around in the sky, ornithologists at the University of Rhode Island were awarded a $10 million grant this week to research whether that big bird way up there is a hawk. “It was pretty far away when we first saw it, but it looked huge,” said Dr. Elizabeth Starcher, assistant director of the Avian Ecology Program, stating that the significant sum would be used to help the symposium of top ornithologists ascertain whether the bird is a hawk, an eagle, or possibly even a falcon. “A preliminary inquiry, which utilized a simple combination of squinting and shielding our eyes from the sun, determined that there is a 60% to 70% chance it’s a hawk, all right. We plan to expand our investigation by passing around the binoculars, maybe snap some pictures and hope they’re not too grainy. You got to admit it would be pretty cool if it were an actual hawk.” At press time, the researchers have been unable to conclude whether the bird up there was a hawk, as they could not be sure it was the same bird they had spotted earlier. 
Kanye West Debuting Opera #~# Kanye West announced Nebuchadnezzar, an opera about the titular Biblical figure, will premiere at the Hollywood Bowl on November 24, adding to the rapper and producer’s foray into Judeo-Christian themes on the heels of his gospel-inspired work Jesus is King. What do you think?
Report Confirms That Being Unable To Keep Track Of Mass Shootings Technically Counts As Not Giving Attention To Shooters #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Stressing that it was by no means an ideal solution to the issue, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology concluded that an inability to keep track of all the nation’s mass shootings still counts as denying shooters the attention they crave. “With the sheer number of massacres occurring across the United States, our failure to focus long on any individual attacker has, in its own way, prevented these killers from gaining notoriety,” said comparative media scholar and report co-author William Uricchio, adding that the average citizen’s capacity to remember discrete instances of mass murder reached a saturation point around 2013, and since then no single rampaging gunman stands out much from the others like him. “We’ve seen a remarkable decrease in the public awareness of a given shooter’s name, his motives, and the ideology he subscribes to—as well as the fact that his attack took place at all. At this point, the vast majority of Americans can only recall the names of a couple dozen cities where the deadliest shootings have taken place. While this isn’t exactly what was intended when critics argued we should stop giving a platform to perpetrators of large-scale gun violence, we nonetheless appear to be achieving this end.” The report also noted that the readership of online manifestos penned by mass shooters has decline by more than 95% over the past decade.
Literary Historians Discover Hemingway’s Dad Bulk Purchased 70,000 Copies Of ‘The Sun Also Rises’ To Get Son On Bestseller List #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Shedding new light on the life of the celebrated author, literary historians from the University of Florida announced Tuesday that they had discovered evidence that Ernest Hemingway’s father had bulk purchased 70,000 copies of The Sun Also Rises to get his son on the bestseller list. “These findings suggest that this now-classic modernist novel might never have had the same impact if Hemingway’s dad, a wealthy physician, hadn’t bought up as many copies as possible to artificially inflate sales,” said researcher Abigail Gupta, confirming that her team had uncovered a massive warehouse full of unopened first editions that had been rented to Dr. Clarence Hemingway. “We first developed this theory after noticing that book jackets calling The Sun Also Rises a bestseller included a mark indicating suspicious purchasing activity. We believe these actions likely had a huge effect on the reception of the book, allowing the senior Hemingway to essentially purchase prestige in order to buy his son’s way into the literary canon.” Gupta added that there was also evidence that praise for The Old Man And The Sea was due to Hemingway planting paid reviews in a number of expatriate-friendly media outlets.
FBI Solving 80% More Cases After Getting Great Big Magnifying Glass #~# WASHINGTON—Describing the new piece of equipment as indispensable to the agency’s successful reduction of backlogged cases, the FBI reported Tuesday it had solved 80% more crimes since investing in a great big magnifying glass. “Not since the implementation of DNA profiling in the 1980s have we equipped our investigators with such a powerful new forensic tool,” said FBI Director Christopher Wray, confirming that thousands of human hairs, muddy footprints, flecks of blood, and other crucial evidence would have gone undiscovered had the bureau not upgraded its technology to include the handheld vision-enhancement device. “A potential clue that appears really small—perhaps even invisible—to the naked eye can be made to appear much larger with the assistance of this single oversized magnifying glass. We are now drafting a budget requisition to authorize the purchase of a deerstalker cap, which we believe could work similar wonders for our clearance rate.” At press time, sources said officials were scrambling to put out a fire that engulfed evidence lockers at FBI headquarters after agents discovered the magnifying glass could also be used to concentrate a ray of sunlight.
Bloomberg Apologizes For Stop And Frisk #~# Ahead of a possible presidential run, former Mayor Michael Bloomberg apologized for his stop-and-frisk policy, admitting that it increased racial disparities in stops without any demonstrable effects on preventing crime. What do you think?
‘Reflationary Boom Incapable Of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery,’ Announces Finance Article That Actually About Your Entire Savings Being Wiped Out #~# NEW YORK—Forecasting that the bond trading industry would soon experience “long-overdue yield corrections,” an article published in The Wall Street Journal Tuesday with the headline “Reflationary Boom Incapable of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery” is, in fact, a detailed account of how your entire savings will soon be completely wiped out. “The shaky and as-yet incomplete recovery of the U.S. bond market has already plagued the industry with doubts over ready capital and cash positioning,” the article read in part, implying obscurely but with confidence that your entire life’s savings will soon be liquidated and that you and your family will be homeless in a matter of weeks. “While we’ve seen increases in employment which might normally impact the inflationary model, the current minor boom is only creating further stagflation [which will ultimately leave you with nothing]. Transitory rates on the Asian markets are clearly insufficient to leverage significant long-term yields, [which condemns you to a life of wandering the streets, blind from malnutrition, begging the squatters in the ruins for cast-off scraps to feed your children].” At press time, readers’ eyes were glazing over at the sight of an article about a 2% drop in equities, a macroeconomic phenomenon that will eventually kill you.
Pete Buttigieg Jumps To First Place In Iowa #~# Demonstrating a dramatic ability to surge in support in the crucial election state, Mayor Pete Buttigieg took a commanding 10% lead over rivals Senators Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders and former Vice President Joe Biden, who are tied in a dead heat at 15%. What do you think?
Buttigieg Campaign Appeals To Moderate Republicans By Touting Low Approval Among Black Voters #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—In an effort to unite disparate groups of white Americans, the Pete Buttigieg campaign released a new series of ads Monday appealing to moderate Republicans by touting the candidate’s low approval rate among black voters. “We hope that any Republican who finds Trump beyond the pale will turn to our campaign and see just how few black supporters we have,” said Buttigieg of the 30-second TV spot, which featured polling data illustrating how poorly he tracks in urban areas and showed footage of him refusing to shake hands with black voters. “Whether you’re more of a centrist white person or a fiscally conservative one, all whites have a home in the Buttigieg campaign. You can rest assured knowing that we’ve received no endorsement from the NAACP or any minority organizations. For the most part, black voters don’t even know who I am. And if they do know me, they don’t care for me.” At press time, the Buttigieg campaign released a new policy proposal emphasizing how his presidency would benefit every rich white person.
Biologists Recommend Trees Put Aside A Little Phosphorus For Unexpected Emergencies #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Noting that the measure could prevent flora from being caught off guard in their later years, biologists at Harvard University issued a recommendation Monday that trees put aside a little phosphorous for any unexpected emergencies. “You never know when the environment is going to throw you a curveball, so it’s important for trees to start building up a nest egg of a few crucial nutrients for their golden years,” said scientist Lisa Bevalacqua, explaining that while young saplings might think it’s too early for them to begin planning for their future, holding onto just a few grams of phosphorous a day would give them a buffer for any unforeseen crises down the road. “As we know, your average tree is only one drought or Dutch elm disease scare away from having their savings completely depleted. There are far too many oaks and beeches still competing for sunlight and water well into their 900s. If seedlings show just a little foresight now, they’ll be able to have the peace of mind that comes with having a solid photosynthesis plan.” Bevalacqua added that trees should be prepared to set aside even greater levels of phosphorus in their leaves and branches if they were planning on having seeds.
Safety Experts Recommend Shouting ‘Free Donuts’ Instead Of ‘Rape’ To Receive Help More Quickly #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Urging women to always have a safety plan, experts recommended Monday shouting ‘Free donuts’ instead of ‘Rape’ to receive help more quickly during an assault. “People are generally afraid to involve themselves in a physical attack, so if you’re being assaulted, screaming that you’re giving away pastries is the most efficient way to draw attention to yourself and get bystanders to intervene,” said self-defense instructor Todd McMillan, noting that it’s a sad truth that people will come from far and wide at the promise of a free bear claw while calls for help in fending off a rapist often go unanswered. “The goal of loudly offering complimentary crullers is to simply attract people to your location. Then, hopefully, the stampede of hungry and expectant onlookers will scare your attacker off, leaving you safe and sound. Yelling “Get your fresh-baked long johns here” or “There’s still a few jelly ones left” will improve the public’s response time even more. Of course, once people realize you were lying about the donuts, you run the risk of them angrily turning on you, so be careful.” McMillan added that women should always carry a spare donut in their purse to throw at an assailant before running in the opposite direction for help.
Chinese Users Employing PornHub To Criticize Hong Kong Protesters #~# A Chinese Communist Youth League channel has launched on the adult video website PornHub featuring internet users criticizing pro-democracy demonstration in Hong Kong after more mainstream outlets banned the propaganda videos. What do you think?
Spider Panics After Losing Track Of Human It Noticed Scurry Across Floor #~# PASADENA, TX—Frantically scanning the rug below her web, a panicked local spider confirmed Monday that she had completely lost track of a human she had noticed scurrying across the floor. “Oh, God. Where is that thing? I looked away for one second and it disappeared,” said the spider, searching along the baseboards near the couch where she last saw the human sitting before it seemingly vanished into thin air. “I didn’t even see it at first because it blended in against the walls, but then it leaned forward and picked up a magazine. Ugh, it’s a hairy one, and they always move so much faster than you think they will. Ew, ew, ew. If I find him again, I’ll definitely have to bite it.” At press time, the horrified spider called for her husband after discovering dozens of humans scuttling in through the front door for a party.
Unclear Which Beach House Song This Is, Reports Lead Singer Of Beach House #~# OAKLAND, CA—Midway through her performance of a down-tempo number she described as “sort of pop-y and languid,” Beach House lead vocalist Victoria Legrand reported Friday that it was not at all clear which Beach House song the band is currently playing before a sold-out crowd at the Fox Theater. “It has a lot of really heavy, atmospheric synth, and it definitely sounds familiar, but at this point I couldn’t tell you its name or even which album it’s from,” said Legrand, who added that the song she has been singing for the past four minutes is probably about dreaming, but that she isn’t certain because there’s so much reverb on her voice that she can’t understand any of the lyrics. “Don’t get me wrong, I like this song—I just can’t quite place it. Right now, I’m leaning toward either ‘Troublemaker’ or ‘Lemon Glow.’ Or wait, is this the one the Weeknd sampled? Hopefully it’ll all be clear once we get to the chorus.” At press time, sources confirmed Legrand was pretending to take a picture of the audience while frantically attempting to find the song on Shazam.
Pelosi Suggests Trump Committed Bribery #~# In a notable escalation of the House Minority Leader’s rhetoric, Nancy Pelosi suggested President Trump committed bribery in his dealings with the Ukrainian president, an impeachable offense as outlined in Article II of the Constitution. What do you think?
NFL Rescinds Myles Garrett Suspension After Review Footage Clearly Shows Mason Rudolph’s Punchable Fucking Face #~# NEW YORK—Apologizing for laying down the ruling in haste without examining all the evidence, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell rescinded Myles Garrett’s suspension for attacking Steelers quarterback Mason Rudolph with a helmet Friday after review footage clearly showed Rudolph’s punchable fucking face. “This was my mistake, from the first shots I saw, it appeared that Garrett was unprovoked, but the clip from earlier in the play clearly shows Mason Rudolph’s big doofus face just begging for a fist,” said Goodell, explaining that Garrett merely acted the way anyone who was suddenly confronted with Rudolph’s infuriating, dumbass visage would act. “Just look as the expression on this doughy douchebag’s face. Just seeing him makes me want to punch the fucking screen. The entire Browns organization should be commended for not rushing the field and pummeling his annoying mug the second his helmet came off. In fact, Mason is suspended for the rest of the season just so nobody has to look at that shit.” At press time, Goodell had nominated Garrett for the NFL’s Walter Payton Man of the Year award.
How Political Ads Are Made #~# As the 2020 presidential campaign season gets into full swing, debate has raged over the content, message, and truthfulness of political advertising, as well as the platforms that host them. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how political ads work.
Colin Kaepernick’s Agents Assure Teams His CTE Has Progressed Just As Much As Other Players Over 3-Year Hiatus #~# ATLANTA—Responding to concerns that the 32-year-old had spent too much time away from the game, representatives for Colin Kaepernick assured NFL teams Friday that his CTE has progressed just as much as other players over his three-year hiatus. “We know teams are worried about how NFL ready he is after that much time off, but we can promise you that his cognitive functions have degraded just as much as any other quarterback,” said agent Jeff Nalley, citing a rigorous training schedule that has ensured Kaepernick takes regular blows to the head. “Coaches can be rest assured that he has just as much chronic pain and just as many suicidal thoughts as anyone who started a football game last year. He’ll be asking where is and forgetting plays like he never left the game. He’s no Tom Brady, but you can still count on him to produce traumatic nightmares and to forget the names on family members at a high level.” At press time, Kaepernick himself promised to return the 49ers to the Super Bowl after last season’s devastating loss to the Ravens.
Yovanovitch Testifies That She Was Removed To Make Way For Corrupt Back Channel But Gets If No One Cares About Anything Anymore #~# WASHINGTON—Appearing before the House Intelligence Committee at Friday’s impeachment hearing, former ambassador Marie Yovanovitch testified that she was recalled from her post so a corrupt back channel could run U.S. policy in Ukraine but gets it if no one cares about anything anymore. “President Trump and his allies conducted a smear campaign against me knowing I would refuse to participate in advancing illegal activities on their behalf, though I totally understand if you don’t give a shit because that’s just the way things work now and nothing matters,” said Yovanovitch, who stated that while she found Trump’s actions “shocking” and “unprecedented,” lawmakers were free to cut her off at any time so that they could all go back to wallowing in the sense of meaninglessness that has come to permeate American life. “This has never really happened in the history of the modern presidency, but I can sympathize if you’re shrugging it off—I’m shrugging it off, too. Even if we do prove the president is guilty of high crimes, so what? It’s not like there are rules anymore. Frankly, I was surprised that I was called to testify at all.” At press time, Yovanovitch told the committee that if anyone wanted to join her, she was heading to a bar to drink until she couldn’t feel anything anymore.
Full Trump Transcript Includes 37 Pages Of Confused President Mashing Fingers Against Dial Pad While Ukrainian President Tries To Speak #~# WASHINGTON—Shedding light on what exactly transpired between the U.S. president and Ukraine during a mysterious April call, a transcript released Friday includes 37 pages of a confused Donald Trump mashing his fingers against his phone’s dial pad while President Volodymyr Zelensky tries to speak. According to the released call logs, President Trump responded to Zelensky’s appeals for further cooperation between the two countries by hitting nine and then star 30 times in a row while yelling ‘Ukraine!’ into the phone. This was reportedly followed by an eight-minute exchange where the president repeatedly held down the entire keypad in an attempt to hang up the phone. In addition, several pages of the transcript document noted rapid fire dialing as Trump muttered about not knowing how to spell Ukraine with numbers. At press time, legal analysts going over the call were expressing the most interest in the final five minutes, where President Trump attempts to order a meat lovers pizza and cinnamon sticks from Domino’s before launching into a six-minute diatribe about how someone with President Zelensky’s thick accent shouldn’t be working at a pizza place.
‘Jedi Fallen Order Is A Star Wars Game Through And Through,’ And 8 Other Lines Of Praise Electronic Arts Strongly Suggested We Use In Our Review #~# The newest Star Wars game is finally here, and we’ve got all the absolute best lines of praise that Electronic Arts suggested we use in a press package containing the game, a media kit, and a strongly worded letter insisting that we keep these bullet points in mind during our review, implying that our relationship with the video game company might suffer if we choose to ignore them. Let’s get right to it!
Flu Outbreak Reduces Class Sizes To Level Appropriate For Learning #~# ST. LOUIS—With student-to-teacher ratios beginning to approach a more manageable level, sources confirmed Friday that a highly infectious strain of the flu sweeping through Washington Middle School this month has reduced class sizes to the point that learning is now feasible. “With this terrible illness forcing so many of our kids to stay home, I can actually give the students who remain some of the individualized attention they deserve,” said American history teacher Gina Wright, who along with her colleagues reported finally being able to meet some of the basic educational needs of her pupils now that a devastating virus has infected more than 300 of the school’s children. “Our classes are still overcrowded, but if a few more kids go down, it may, for the first time, be possible to implement a truly adequate curriculum. I’m sure we could have caught the outbreak earlier if we were able to afford school nurses. To be honest, though, this is a pretty nice trade-off.” Wright went on to predict that a new round of cuts to the school lunch program would likely weaken student health and keep class sizes small as more children are sickened.
Disappointing: Microsoft Confirmed That Project Scarlett Is Actually Just A Brothel They’re Building In Thailand Where Xboxes Can Go To Be Pleasured #~# If you’re an Xbox fanboy who was salivating over what the next gen could offer, you might want to sit down because we have disappointing news coming from the X019 press event: Microsoft just confirmed that Project Scarlett is actually just an expansive brothel they’re constructing in Thailand where Xboxes can go to be pleasured.
Report: Some Company Called Scampr Already Lost $12.5 Billion At Launch And Has Gone Bankrupt #~# NEW YORK—In news that took the nation completely by surprise, some company called Scampr already lost $12.5 billion at launch and has gone bankrupt, sources confirmed Friday. “Huh, I guess they were in new media and it looks like they just completely went under,” said sources glancing at an article about the multibillion-dollar organization that had apparently begun bleeding investors after cycling through four different CEOs in a matter of months. “Seems as though in the lead up to launch, there was an enormous scandal involving insider trading or something, and a few of the VPs even had to testify before a congressional committee? But anyway, they’re totally dead in the water now, and they had to lay off thousands of employees.” At press time, Scampr’s board of directors had already reincorporated under a new name and had been valued at $20 billion by venture capitalists.
Tips For Playing ‘Pokémon Sword And Shield’ #~# After more than two years since the last installment, the wait is finally over for diehard Pokémon fans to dive into Sword and Shield. Here are all the tips you need for getting started in the brand new Nintendo Switch release.
Six Flags Unsure If They Need To Apologize For Parkgoer Who Managed To Get Decapitated By Bumper Cars #~# SAN ANTONIO—Admitting they were stumped as to how to publicly respond to the unfortunate but baffling event, officials at Six Flags Fiesta Texas were reportedly unsure Friday if they needed to apologize for a guest who managed to get decapitated by the bumper cars. “This is obviously a tragic situation that we wish hadn’t happened, but we don’t really know whether we need to say sorry and pledge to take steps to ensure this will never happen again, since getting your head ripped off on the bumper cars should have been impossible in the first place,” said Six Flags spokesperson Larry Vazquez, adding that while the amusement park company took any decapitations on dangerous rides like roller coasters seriously, they couldn’t help but feel like the visitor’s bumper cars decapitation was on him. “Frankly, we don’t even know how he managed to pull this off. We weren’t paying that close attention, since it’s, you know, bumper cars, so we don’t exactly know how it happened, but we’re pretty sure he didn’t follow any of the rules. We’ll definitely send our condolences and give his family free Six Flags access for life as a gesture of goodwill, but it seems ridiculous to suppose we should offer a public apology or close the ride for safety improvements. What would those even be?” Six Flags officials added that while they felt that their legal team would be able to prevent any lawsuit, they were considering suing the victim’s family for negligence just to be on the safe side.
More Americans Now Surviving Lung Cancer #~# A new report from the National Lung Association found that new lung cancer cases in the U.S. dropped 19 % over the past decade, while the survival rate rose to 26%, revealing significant steps forward in combating the country’s leading cause of cancer death. What do you think?
Magnanimous MLB Awards MVP To Hardworking Stadium Concession Staffers #~# SECAUCUS, NJ—Honoring the individuals who they claim meant more to baseball this year than anyone, the MLB announced during Thursday’s ceremony that the 2019 MVP would be awarded to the league’s hardworking stadium concession staffers. “The Baseball Writers Association of America is pleased to give this year’s Most Valuable Player award for both the American and National Leagues to the diligent men and women behind the counter,” said BWAA president Rob Biertempfel, praising the world-class performance and dedication of all 50,000 food handlers, cashiers, and stadium barkers currently employed by every major baseball stadium in America. “You may not always notice the face behind the churro stand, or the body attached to the hand giving you a tiny helmet full of ice cream, or even hear the offer of ice-cold beer from across the stadium, but each concessions staffer has been integral to the success of the MLB this year. One could go as far as to say that without them, there would not be a game to play. So, in recognition of all you do on and off our plates, we thank you.” At press time, the recipients of the MVP award had announced plans to test the market in free agency this offseason.
Area Man Loads Up On Half-Priced Armistice Day Candy #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it would be silly not to take advantage of such great deals, 31-year-old computer programmer Jared Hermann confirmed Thursday he had stopped by a local Walgreens to load up on clearance sale of Armistice Day candy. “It’s my little annual tradition to hit up the stores once Nov. 12 rolls around, because that’s when they’ve got all the good stuff priced to move,” Hermann said as he showed off his haul of Armistice Day favorites such as Mary Jane taffy, sassafras drops, and clove-flavored chewing gum, treats that were selling for three times as much just a week ago, as people prepared to celebrate the 1918 cessation of hostilities on the Western Front. “Sometimes, I can’t believe how much you can get for just a few bucks, but I picked up a bunch of the Reese’s Armistice Day chocolate memorial wreaths, as well as a couple bags of Liberty chews, which is of course what we Americans called Germany’s Haribo gummy bears during World War I. I’ll probably sneak a few when I get home, but I’m going to save most of these for next year.” Hermann told reporters he also planned to check out the sales at local costume stores, explaining that he hopes to dress up as an assassinated Archduke Ferdinand for Armistice Day next year.
‘Washington Post’ Impeachment Critic Gives Insipid Day One Inquiry 2 Out Of 5 Andrew Johnsons #~# WASHINGTON—Knocking the broadcast for its lack of cohesive vision, The Washington Post impeachment critic Patrick Jennings gave the insipid day one of the House inquiry hearing two out of five Andrew Johnsons. “We hope the masterminds behind the hearing have some real surprises in store, otherwise I don’t see this ever perking up to three or four Andrew Johnsons,” said Jennings, noting that audiences who tuned in to the congressional proceedings looking for a thriller would find themselves facing more of a plodding slice-of-life drama. “They had the perfect opportunity in the third hour for a dramatic moment, but they totally blew it. If someone had produced a phone in a Ziploc bag, we would have bumped our rating up half of a Johnson for sure; however, it looks like the creators weren’t interested in taking risks. Frankly, if it weren’t for the costume designers behind George Kent’s bowtie, we wouldn’t have given the hearing any Andrew Johnsons at all. This is definitely something for the policy wonk, though casual viewers shouldn’t waste their time.” Jennings added that audiences would find much more satisfaction going back and rewatching the O.J. Simpson trial.
Venice Facing Worst Flood Tide In Years #~# Climate charge is being blamed for historic flooding that has covered 85% of the Italian city of Venice and caused the mayor to declare a state of emergency. What do you think?
Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt #~# THE HEAVENS—Emerging from behind a cloud blind in a blaze orange miter and camouflaged vestments, His Holiness Pope Francis reportedly celebrated with fellow clergymen Thursday after bagging a highly coveted prize in this year’s Vatican seraphim hunt: a six-winged trophy angel. 
Deval Patrick Acquires High Favorability Numbers, Good Iowa Polling After Leveraged Buyout Of Buttigieg Campaign #~# DES MOINES, IA—Skyrocketing in visibility mere hours after launching his bid for the White House, former Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick reportedly acquired high favorability numbers and good Iowa polling Thursday after a leveraged buyout of Pete Buttigieg’s campaign. “We’re proud to announce that we have reached a debt-based deal with the Buttigieg campaign to bring their considerable war chest and great polling numbers into our fold,” said campaign spokesman Greg Ryans, adding that the reported $250 million buyout “perfectly aligned” with the Patrick campaign’s vision of attaining high polling in early caucus states, rapidly accelerating grassroots organization, and widening its donation base before the end of Q4. “Sadly, we did have to lay off 30% of the Buttigieg campaign due to redundancies, including Pete himself. But we were impressed enough to keep on Chasten Buttigieg in his current role at campaign rallies. With the assets from liquidating Amy Klobuchar’s campaign, we’re easily on track to be a presidential frontrunner by early 2020.” Ryans also noted that the Patrick campaign would strategically shed the gay rights plank of Buttigieg’s platforms after it proved distasteful to potential campaign investors.
Woman Knows Husband Just Acting Affectionate Because He Wants Food #~# WENHAM, MA—Admitting that it was a learned tactic more than a genuine expression of love, area woman Callie Garrett told reporters Thursday that she knew her husband was just displaying affection because he was hungry. “Oh, it’s so sweet when he runs towards me and starts nuzzling and making little happy noises, even if I really know it’s only because he wants me to feed him,” said Garrett, noting that despite her husband’s motives, she enjoyed the few minutes the two of them spent together while he paced around the kitchen as she prepared his meal. “He’s usually pretty standoffish, hiding in some little corner of the house where I can’t even find him, but as soon as he hears that can opener start, he makes a beeline right towards me.” Garrett added that she was looking forward to the next time her husband decided to cuddle with her in bed, even if she knew it was only because he was cold. 
Paralyzed Mike Pence Lies Against Bathroom Wall For Hours After Encountering Doorknob That Looks Like Female Breast #~# WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth on the tile floor as he averted his eyes from the disgustingly suggestive entryway hardware, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly against a bathroom wall for hours Thursday following an encounter with a doorknob resembling the female breast. “Come on, Mikey, snap out of it…stand up, walk over there, just pull the door open, and you’ll be free,” said the vice president, attempting to avoid making physical contact with the enticingly curvaceous door pull by wrapping his fingers in a paper towel, only to have it tear and bring his palm into contact with the offensive contours, which sent him back to the sink to repeatedly wash his hands. “Remember, it’s not a real woman. It’s just a piece of metal like any other doorknob. Just take a deep breath and don’t throw up.” At press time, Pence had collapsed when a Secret Service agent opened the door, causing the knob to jiggle suggestively.
Girlfriend Must Have Been Drinking When She Texted Picture Of Knitted Scarf At Midnight #~# REDONDO BEACH, CA— Insisting that the rapid-fire series of messages was “completely unprompted,” local man Matisse Issac speculated Thursday that his girlfriend, Rebecca Allen, must have been drinking when she texted him a dimly lit picture of a knitted scarf at midnight. “Jesus Christ, now she’s telling me to come over and knit with her. I have work in the morning,” said Issac, who nervously texted back “nice” in response to the garter-knit scarf in a desperate attempt to buy time to think of a proper response. “I can already see what happened here. She had a glass and a half of wine and just started knitting. She gets a little flirty when she’s drunk, and it’s not like I’m mad or anything, but I really don’t know what to say.” At press time, Ms. Allen had texted her boyfriend a winking face emoji to accompany the message “What are you reading right now?” 
Amazon Launching Own Grocery Store #~# Web giant Amazon plans to open its own grocery store next year in Los Angeles, an addition to its retail portfolio that already includes Whole Foods, Amazon Books, and the experimental Amazon Go automated supermarkets. What do you think?
‘Pokémon’ Fans Are Up In Arms With Game Freak’s Refusal To Include A National Sex Offender Registry In ‘Sword and Shield’ #~# In a huge blow for Pokémon devotees everywhere, Game Freak revealed this week that the upcoming Pokemon Sword and Shield will not include the National Sex Offender Registry that for so long has been a quintessential part of the game experience.
Fan Wishes Team Was Sponsored By A Cooler Corporation #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Lamenting that the company did not even have anything to do with sports or his city, Pacers fan Kevin Schulder admitted Wednesday that he wished his team was sponsored by a cooler corporation. “It’d be sick if they had Monster or Nike as a sponsor, but it’s fucking Bankers Life Fieldhouse—I’ve never even heard of Bankers Life before I came to a game,” said Schulder, expressing frustration that their division-rival Milwaukee Bucks fans got a way more badass sponsor in Harley Davidson. “I’d even settle for something like Geico, which at least has funny commercials. I’ve never seen a Bankers Life ad in my life. I don’t even what they are. A bank? Insurance? Maybe if we got a cool company like Volvo or Del Monte people would finally take us seriously as a contender.” At press time, Schulder was telling friends the team sponsorship should be taken over by a true Indianapolis company like Angie’s List.
Brutal Arctic Blast Sweeping Across Country #~# An Arctic air mass has affected more than 200 million people across the nation, plunging temperatures to historic lows, cancelling thousands of flights, and leaving many facing more than a foot of snow. What do you think?
Police Officer On Desk Duty Placed On Empty-Room Duty After Brutally Beating Drawer #~# NEW YORK—Stripped of his files and chair, police officer Mike McCarry was removed from desk duty and placed on empty-room duty Wednesday after brutally beating a drawer. “Effective immediately, Officer McCarry has been placed in an empty storage space off the main office bullpen while we investigate claims he viciously slammed a desk drawer until it shattered,” said Police Commissioner James O’Neill, refusing to take questions about McCarry’s work history, including the fact that he was placed on desk duty three months ago for allegedly shooting a black teenager during a routine traffic stop. “Our officer says he verbally ordered the drawer to open multiple times, which it refused to do before it suddenly sprang out of the desk without warning, spilling its contents onto the linoleum. Officer McCarry then subdued with drawer with force, first with a taser and then by placing his knee on its underside. Anti-police activists are claiming that surveillance video shows Officer McCarry bashing the drawer against the wall and kicking the compartment after it had broken in half, but I urge the public to withhold judgment because they have not seen the video in its entirety. We believe the facts will show he acted in good faith, and we expect him to be cleared of all wrongdoing.” At press time, McCarry was placed back on regular duty after heroically taking down the break room coffee maker that had burned his partner.
Paraguay Panics After Discovering Rich Deposit Of Natural Resources #~# TORO PAMPA, PARAGUAY—Cursing their luck after scientists confirmed their nation’s worst fears had been realized, officials in Paraguay were reportedly panicking Wednesday after discovering a rich deposit of natural resources. “Goddammit, this is tens of billions of dollars’ worth of rhodium, if not more—we’re sitting right on an absolute disaster for Paraguay if word ever gets out that this is here,” said visibly nervous President Mario Abdo Benîtez, warning the scientists who had stumbled upon the discovery while working on another project that if they cared about the future of the Paraguayan people, they should do whatever they could to cover up the existence of rare mineral reserves in the country. “Hopefully, this incredibly valuable natural resource is confined to just this area and we don’t have any more of it. Oh God, imagine if the United States and other global investors find out. You saw what just happened to Bolivia—if they’d had the good sense not to let anyone find out they had lithium, they wouldn’t be in the mess they’re in now. We’ve got to close down the area completely and never speak of this again, otherwise we’re screwed.” At press time, Paraguayan officials were considering blowing up the entire area containing the rhodium deposits with C4 in an effort to ensure their nation’s survival. 
Precocious 5-Year-Old Already Holding Long, Pointless Business Meeting With Stuffed Animals #~# NORMANDY PARK, WA—In a stunning display of managerial skill that had sources speculating about the heights he would reach in the world of multinational commerce, a precocious 5-year-old was on Wednesday already holding long, pointless meetings with his stuffed animals. The administrative prodigy reportedly displayed complacency and a sense of self-importance wildly beyond his years as he rounded up plush monkeys, teddy bears, Elmo, and dozens of other toys, then made them sit in rows for multiple hours as he pontificated about a wildly impractical idea to build a wooden railroad across the kitchen floor that had just occurred to him that morning and which he hadn’t fleshed out in the slightest. Sources further confirmed that on multiple occasions, the boy modulated his voice to ask a question as one of the female elephant attending the meeting before cutting her off and repeating a less coherent version of the same idea as though he himself had just thought of it, showing off his preternatural gifts for micromanagement and wasting his subordinates’ time as he distributed crayon-drawn pictures of his vague future expectations for playtime that he had already voiced numerous times before. The preschool-aged wunderkind then reportedly paused to take a heated call from an owl on his Vtech Kids Smartphone in front of the entire meeting, displaying a rare combination of natural thoughtlessness and quickness to anger that will serve him well as a corporate executive, before informing the assembled stuffed animals that he was very busy when his real plan was to sit on the couch and watch Sesame Street. At press time, the gifted 5-year-old had cemented his place among the nation’s future business leaders by reaming out a push penguin for poor job performance in front of everyone and telling it that it had better be off the premises by snack time.
Public Phase Of Impeachment Hearings Begin #~# A dramatic new phase of the impeachment inquiry into President Trump’s dealings with Ukrainian officials starts today with public hearings from the acting ambassador to Ukraine and the deputy assistant secretary of state for the region. What do you think?
Crack Of Gunfire Resounding Through Office Gives Woman Perfect Cover She Needs To Bite Into Crisp Apple #~# DALLAS—Seizing a rare opportunity to finally enjoy lunch without distracting her coworkers, Cranston & Digby copywriter Jeanine Mitchell took advantage of the moment Wednesday when the sudden crack of gunfire in the office provided her with the auditory cover she needed to bite into a crisp Kiku apple. “What great timing,” said Mitchell, relishing the apple’s sharp autumnal taste and firm texture in quiet isolation as her shrieking coworkers were mowed down in a thunderous fusillade and blessing her luck that everyone else in the open-plan office was too distracted by masked assailants to notice the juice that dribbled onto her shirt. “[Manager] Kevin [Gunderson] is always getting on my case about me eating at my desk, so it’s fortunate that I got a few bites in before successive direct hits to his cranium turned his head my way. Plus, it sounds like they’re using fully automatic weapons over in the art department, so I’ll be able to get through my baby carrots if I hurry.” Mitchell later stated that she was “unable to believe her good fortune” when a responding SWAT team evacuated the office, allowing her to throw away the apple core without any of the survivors noticing.
Amazon Encourages Drivers To Deliver Packages Faster By Strapping Cinder Block To Truck’s Accelerator #~# SEATTLE—Touting the new service as a way to maximize efficiency, Amazon officials announced Wednesday that they’ll be encouraging faster shipping speeds by strapping a cinder block to the accelerator of their drivers’ delivery trucks. “Our analysis has determined that Amazon drivers waste valuable time getting out of the vehicle, stopping at red lights, and braking for pedestrians,” said CEO Jeff Bezos, noting that by allowing drivers to wildly careen down the street flinging packages at doors as they whizzed by, they could increase savings which would then be passed onto consumers. “We looked into a number of cost-saving methods, including injecting a neurotoxin into drivers and only giving them the antidote if they completed all of their deliveries in an hour. However, requiring drivers to weave between vehicles at top speeds as they hang on for dear life was far more feasible.” Bezos added that the company would be further incentivizing drivers by rewarding those who delivered the most packages with $100 towards all resulting medical expenses. 
Sacramento Pledges To Power Arena With 100% Windmill Dunk Energy By 2030 #~# SACRAMENTO—In an effort to generate renewable energy from an all-American source, the Sacramento Kings announced Tuesday that the Golden 1 Center would be powered by 100% windmill dunk energy by the year 2030. “The centripetal force and dazzling heat of windmill dunks is an incredible untapped source of green power,” said Director of Arena Operations David Sherrill in a press conference, explaining that a single jam by Marvin Bagley III could feasibly power a rack of stadium lights for an hour. “The best part is that we’re only scratching the surface on this technology. We have reason to believe that 360s and alley-oops could be even more powerful. It’s really a no-brainer, no extra heat generation, no carbon emissions—the only complaints we get are about aesthetics, from people not used to seeing sick windmills pounding the rim at every opportunity, but they’ll get used to it.” At press time, a California utility company had successfully lobbied the state to ban all windmill dunks for the next 20 years.
Features Of Disney Plus #~# Disney Plus, the subscription streaming service from Disney, will launch November 12. The Onion takes a look at the biggest features of Disney Plus.
Disney Plus Apologizes For Apparently Being All That Some Actual Adults Have #~# BURBANK, CA—Expressing their deepest condolences to those affected by technical glitches, Disney Plus officials apologized Tuesday for apparently being all that some actual adults have. “We are working hard to resolve user issues involving the new Disney Plus system, and extend a sincere thank you to the recluses, misfits, and deeply lonely adults for your patience at this time,” said Walt Disney Company CEO Bob Iger in an official statement, saying that any error messages customers were experiencing were due to the company not properly anticipating what profound depths of sadness some full-grown human beings are capable of reaching. “We recognize that many people were looking forward to Disney Plus’s launch in the most pitiful way imaginable. The entire Walt Disney Company family and I would like to personally acknowledge your frustration with the only thing that can give you—not happiness, quite, but some vague form of contentment despite thousands of years’ worth of other art and entertainment options to turn to. We apologize for the fact that these silly children’s programs are the only thing in your woeful and, frankly, distressing existence.” Iger added that if he had known that Disney was all some actual adults have, he would have started by charging much more than $6.99 a month
Tiny, Rejuvenated Jimmy Carter Emerges From Pile Of Ashes After Aged Ex-President Bursts Into Flames #~# ATLANTA—Rising triumphantly from a sudden swirl of golden light that had consumed his former ailing body, a tiny, rejuvenated President Jimmy Carter emerged from a pile of ashes Tuesday after the aged ex-president’s past incarnation burst into flames. “Behold! I am born anew!” the 6-inch-tall former president proclaimed in a high-pitched voice, raising his minuscule, youthful hands in exultation from the glowing embers as he announced that his appearance heralded “a new dawn” in affordable housing, peacekeeping, and guinea worm eradication. “From these restoring flames, I shall usher in an eternal age of peacekeeping and independence from foreign oil markets. So has it been for the past century-long cycle of Jimmy Carterdom, and so shall it be for all time.” At press time, the miniature 39th president’s decree had been cut short after an enormous rabbit abruptly emerged from a nearby forest and dragged the squealing reborn world leader into a burrow.
Hong Kong Police Shoot And Injure Protester #~# Amidst an escalating pro-democracy movement in the city, a new video shows Hong Kong police shooting and injuring a 21-year-old protester who had allegedly been building a road block. What do you think?
College Freshman Annoyed About Having To Room With 47-Year-Old Adjunct Professor #~# AUGUSTA, ME—Expressing frustration with his roommate’s apparent lack of hygiene and off-putting habits, college freshman Kyle Hayes told reporters Tuesday that he was annoyed about having to room with Isaac Feldman, a 47-year-old adjunct professor at the University of Maine. “He’s always hitting me up for money and meal swipes, but my plan doesn’t really cover that,” said Hayes, adding that his roommate also tended to do these “weird exercises” in their living area to help with the back problem he developed in his early 40s. “Anytime I try to have people over, Isaac is always on my case about quieting down because he needs to stay up late grading papers about Heidegger or something. But he seems to have no problem covering his desk with empty ramen containers and pages from his doctoral thesis. Plus, he’s definitely been drinking my milk. I tried to talk to him about not going into my mini-fridge, but he’s always rushing out the door to pick up his daughter from his ex’s. Man, this whole situation sucks.” Hayes went on to stress that he would probably ask to switch to a different dorm if his roommate kept insisting that he be referred to as Dr. Feldman in conversation.
Disney Plus Suffers Miserable Debut After Tennis Channel Launches Streaming Service On Same Day #~# BURBANK, CA—In what industry analysts are calling an unprecedented shake-up in the streaming wars, several reports indicated Tuesday that Disney Plus suffered a lackluster debut after the Tennis Channel simultaneously offered its own on-demand subscription service at the same monthly rate. “While Disney’s back catalog is obviously pretty extensive, the opportunity to stream every tennis match broadcast in the history of television was simply too good to pass up,” said Cleveland resident Caroline Santos, who, according to sources, was just one among many thousands of consumers who scrambled to cancel their pre-ordered Disney Plus memberships after the new streaming platform Tennis Channel Unlimited became available this morning. “Disney Plus has most of the Marvel stuff and some new shows that look promising, but if I’m going to pay $6.99 a month, I’d much rather be able to binge-watch hundreds and hundreds of hours of tennis. Having access to the 1979 Australian Open semifinals whenever and wherever we want is something my whole family will appreciate.” At press time, the Walt Disney Company announced it had acquired the Tennis Channel for $80.5 billion.
Young Blood Transfusion Startup Reopens #~# Ambrosia, a startup that pledges to maintain youthfulness by giving customers transfusions of plasma from young people, is back in business after an FDA notice prevented the company from continuing the maligned and dubious practice. What do you think?
Pack Members Worried Young Wolf May Be Sociopath After He Mauls Rabbit #~# WHITE BIRD, ID—Quietly discussing whether the canine needed some kind of psychological help, members of the Elk Creek wolf pack were worried Tuesday that a young member might be a sociopath after he heartlessly mauled a defenseless rabbit. “It’s really unnerving, he just ripped apart that poor thing without any remorse,” said pack leader Blackcoat the Windrunner, who expressed concerns that this was just the latest in a long line of unnerving incidents including biting his younger sister and stalking around in the dead of night trying to catch mice. “I don’t even think he realized how disgusting this was, I mean he tore its leg off when it was still alive. We hoped he was just a little awkward, but this is terrifying. Unfortunately, this is exactly how his father started before we kicked him out of the pack.” At press time, Blackcoat had been banished from the pack after the young wolf went behind his back and convinced the other members that he was secretly plotting against them.
Dalai Lama Triumphantly Names Successor After Discovering Woman With ‘The Purpose Of Our Lives Is To Be Happy’ Twitter Bio #~# MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Revealing his choice after months of grave concerns about his health, the Dalai Lama triumphantly named his successor Monday after a woman who had written “The purpose of our lives is to be happy” in her Twitter bio came to his attention. “This Amanda Belfry of Gainesville, FL is the manifestation of everything the Buddha sought to teach, and she will become the 15th Dalai Lama,” said His Holiness, who added that he instantly decided he would reincarnate as the 31-year-old American upon scrolling through her social media profile and learning that she considers herself an “explorer in this wild journey we call life.” “Great enlightenment can be found on her Instagram page, where one finds a picture of a beach captioned ‘Pure bliss,’ along with a beautiful explanation for why she recently chose to have a lotus flower tattooed on her ankle. Amanda clearly embodies the wisdom I have been trying to impart to the world since my soul first took human form more than 600 years ago. I hereby ask that all 20 million Tibetan Buddhists across the world turn to her for spiritual guidance.” At press time, the Chinese government announced that a 27-year-old rock-climbing instructor and blogger from the Denver area was the only legitimate successor to the Dalai Lama.
Michael Bloomberg Set For 2020 Run #~# Billionaire businessman and former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg filed paperwork this week designating himself as a Democratic Party candidate in Alabama, setting the stage for a candidacy that could prove a threat to other moderates in the race. What do you think?
Officials Say Outbreak Of Australian Wildfire May Have Spread From Engulfed Passenger Traveling From U.S. #~# CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA—Calling the individual “patient zero” for the lethal strain of flames currently raging across the continent, Australian authorities announced Monday that the nationwide outbreak of wildfire may have been spread from Jeffrey Meyers, a Delta Airlines passenger traveling from the U.S. while ablaze. “Our findings suggest that even as Mr. Meyers calmly boarded his flight in Los Angeles, he was carrying a particularly dangerous type of fire on his person,” said New South Wales Commissioner Shane Fitzsimmons, speculating that within hours of disembarking, Meyers had already transmitted the inferno to large swaths of bush during a tour of the outback and while staying in the now-conflagrating remains of an Airbnb. “It’s possible Meyers wasn’t even aware that he was carrying the burning embers from country to country. For that reason, we’re asking any passengers who had contact with him as he burned alive—whether it was brushing past his smoldering body or touching a nearby armrest that had burst into flames—to report to authorities immediately for an inspection.” Authorities went on to recommend that any residents who feel even a trace of burning douse themselves in water to prevent the outbreak’s rapid spread.
Mom Casually Rattles Off The Names, Ages Of Alec Baldwin’s Children #~# PHILADELPHIA—Referring to the Emmy-winning actor as “a real family man,” mother of three Janet Jeune casually rattled off the names and ages of Alec Baldwin’s children during the course of mundane conversation Monday. “His eldest daughter, Ireland, from his first marriage with that one actress, just turned 24,” Jeune said wholly unprompted and unprovoked while watching a broadcast of It’s Complicated. “His sons are 1, 3, and 4 years old. Rafael is probably about to start kindergarten soon. Oh, and he has a 6-year-old daughter with his second wife.” Jeune’s sons confirmed that their mother continued to recall rumors about Ireland’s dating life long after her children had left the room.
BREAKING: You Wanna Fucking Go? #~# RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW—Confronting you on all the shit you have been talking recently, furious sources close to you are asking insistently and repeatedly if you want to fucking go right now. “Why don’t you come over here and show me what the fuck you got,” the red-faced individual reportedly said, confirming that they were looking at you, yes, you with the stupid fucking face, and daring you to say that shit again while also speculating that it was past time someone taught you some manners. Certain individuals evidently indifferent to the mounting tension have meanwhile suggested that you are, in fact, a complete son of a bitch who should quit pretending to be some kind of big shot and walk away before they had to send what was left of you home in a fucking body bag. As no outright hostilities had been openly entered into as of press time, sources confirmed that yeah, uh huh, that’s what they thought, you chickenshit.
United Airlines Announces Plan To Take Over Lolita Express Routes #~# CHICAGO—Hoping to provide customers with an alternative to the now-defunct service, United Airlines announced plans Monday to take over all of the Lolita Express routes. “We’re very excited to be offering guests the chance to visit these exotic and exciting locales now that the fleet of private planes used by Jeffrey Epstein is out of commission,” said United CEO Oscar Munoz, telling reporters that the United Lolita Line would offer discreet, direct flights to the major Lolita Express hubs, including Palm Beach, New Mexico, and Little Saint James. “We’re also pleased to announce that, in keeping with United’s commitment to giving customers the best flight deals available, economy tickets will begin at $100, meaning that whether you’re looking to discover a world of adventure or just a relaxing weekend retreat, you’ll have a chance to fly the friendly skies far from the prying eyes of law enforcement. And, as a special promotion, for the first six months, children fly for free.” Munoz added that United would be offering additional discounts to Lolita Express frequent flyers such as Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew, Bill Richardson, Alan Dershowitz, Naomi Campbell, and Larry Summers.
Fascinating History: The Director Of The Original ‘Silent Hill 2’ Just Revealed That The Game’s Iconic Fog Was A Workaround To Hide All The ‘Dilbert’ Strips They Couldn’t License #~# We thought we already knew everything there was to know about the critically acclaimed Silent Hill series, but looks like we were wrong. Director Masashi Tsuboyama recently sat down with OGN and shared some fascinating history about developing the survival horror masterpiece, including the fact that the iconic fog was originally created as a workaround to hide all the Dilbert strips they couldn’t license. 
Newly Pregnant Woman A Little Too Quick To Remind Everyone She Gets To Have One Glass Of Wine A Week #~# CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Confirming no one had raised the subject of drinking, coworkers of newly expectant mother Jennifer Guest reported that after the brand consultant announced her pregnancy to the office Monday, she had been a bit too quick to mention she was still allowed to have a weekly glass of wine. “She had barely gotten out that she was having a baby before she was, like, ‘I can still have wine, though!’” said Bridgemeyer Marketing Services secretary Sharon Wilson, recalling how Guest had reiterated several times that it was a normal thing to do while pregnant and had gotten progressively more defensive despite the fact that no one was disagreeing with her. “Before we could even congratulate her, she was going into detail about how it was a great way for pregnant women to wind down at the end of the week, and that it wasn’t like a drink or even two was going to hurt the baby. It got uncomfortable at one point, because she started citing a bunch of studies, complete with all these complicated statistics, and everyone was just kind of nodding in silence. Thankfully, [operations manager] Frank [Searle] said he had read somewhere that red wine was good for your heart, and that took the heat off her for a while.” At press time, attendees at a company happy hour said that while Guest had ordered only one 6-ounce glass of chardonnay that evening, she had been a little too wholehearted in her enjoyment of it.
Congo Warlord Sentenced To 30 Years For War Crimes #~# Congolese warlord Bosco Ntaganda, otherwise known as “The Terminator,” was sentenced to 30 years by the International Criminal Court Thursday for 18 counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity. What do you think?
Referee Reviewing Replay Excited To See Self On TV #~# PITTSBURGH—Admitting that he had butterflies in his stomach as soon as Mike Tomlin threw his challenge flag on the field, NFL referee Tony Corrente admitted Sunday that he was excited to see himself on TV while reviewing a pass interference call. “I’ve watched the play five times now, but it’s just so exciting seeing myself out there with all the players,” said Corrente, who excitedly reported that you got a clear shot of his face at the top of the screen as he sprinted down the sidelines to call pass interference. “I wonder if my family is recording it—I told them to watch, but I’m never sure if I’m actually gonna get screen time. I know it’s a small role, but I can’t take my eyes off it. It’s always a trip to see yourself up on screen. Like, wow, is that what my hair looks like?” At press time, a rushed Corrente realized he had not even watched the whole play and decided to just overturn the call.
Lions Switch To No-Coverage Defense To Prevent Mitch Trubisky From Losing Starting QB Job #~# CHICAGO—Expressing concerns that they could give away a huge advantage by getting the Bears QB benched, the Detroit Lions switched to a loose “no-coverage” style defense Sunday to prevent Mitch Trubisky from losing his starting job. “If we’re not careful, Mitch could throw straight into double coverage, or worse chuck a pick-six, then he’s likely to be benched permanently,” said Lions head coach Matt Patricia, reminding his cornerbacks and safeties to zero-team the Bears’ wide receivers and setting up his tackles and defensive ends 15 yards back from the line of scrimmage during a timeout. “Hopefully, he can eke out another 50 to 100 yards and postpone being demoted for a few more games, because at this point in the year, we can’t afford to screw this up. Last week was focused entirely on getting our guys comfortable taking their eyes off the ball, eliminating hustle, and losing any type of situational awareness just to be careful. But you never know, Trubisky can pull some pretty amazing interceptions out of nowhere.” Patricia added that with any luck, Trubisky could secure the starting job for the rest of the season and help push the Lions towards a wild card birth.
Judge Orders Trump To Pay $2 Million For Charity Misuse #~# President Trump must pay $2 million to a range of charities to resolve a lawsuit alleging he misused his own charitable foundation to buy sports memorabilia and champagne at a charity gala, a New York judge ruled this week. What do you think?
‘The Onion’ Launches New Cover-Up Desk To Suppress Today’s Most Damning Stories #~# As many controversial stories have recently demonstrated, journalists play a significant role in determining how a news item is reported, as well as which narratives make it to light. The nature of social media and the rise in leakers and whistleblowers present new challenges for traditional reportage. They also offer exciting new opportunities for intrepid investigative reporters. To meet these challenges, The Onion is launching a new cover-up desk to suppress today’s most damning stories. 
ABC News Fires Hot Mic For Converting Sound Waves Of Anchor Revealing Network Spiked Epstein Story #~# NEW YORK—Citing the device’s absolute betrayal of company values, ABC News officials confirmed Friday that the network had fired the hot mic responsible for converting sound waves of Amy Robach revealing that the network spiked a story on Jeffrey Epstein. “This hot mic’s behavior clearly violates both our corporate guidelines and journalistic standards, and we will not tolerate such blatant adversarial reporting,” said ABC News President James Goldston, who also blasted the defiant electrical signal for working in unison with the microphone to transmit the conversation about the network’s decision to bury a story about the wealthy serial abuser. “It’s a shame to see so-called honest pieces of equipment overriding our editorial standards to push their own agenda. Recording every word Amy said was completely out of context with what was going on. We are also reassigning the camera and desk for their role in undermining and tarnishing ABC News.” At press time, Goldston reassured viewers that ABC would be instituting a much more rigorous vetting process for microphones to ensure such brash insubordination never happens again. 
Hallmark Apologizes For Role In Supplying Third Reich With Greeting Cards #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Proclaiming their deep and sincere regret for any role their extensive line of greeting cards may have played in one of the darkest chapters of history, event-commemoration giant Hallmark apologized Friday for supplying Hitler’s infamous Third Reich with greeting cards from 1938 to mid-1945. “We deeply regret our actions in not only designing and printing but also distributing millions of Hallmark-brand greeting cards to political officials, military leaders, and Wehrmacht soldiers across Germany and Nazi-occupied Europe,” said Hallmark CEO Donald J. Hall Jr. in a statement on the company’s website which publicly acknowledged the mass production of “Get Well Soon,” “Congratulations On The Great Victory,” and “Birthday Of The Führer” cards for use across Hitler’s regime. “While we cannot erase the fact that our products helped Nazis celebrate their most special occasions, we hope to make reparations through our present actions. To those who suffered at the hands of the Gestapo while their stormtroopers were heartened and uplifted by Hallmark-brand “Keep Up The Good Work” cards: We sincerely hope you—and the world—can forgive us.” Hallmark also announced that the company would be sending all Holocaust survivors the condolence cards they deserve and sadly, never received.
Tips For Testifying Before Congress #~# Several recent high-profile investigations, from the ongoing impeachment inquiry to House probes into the actions of companies like Facebook and Boeing, have put the spotlight on congressional testimony, although they represent only a fraction of people who have appeared to offer explanations or background to Congress. The Onion provides tips for testifying to Congress.
Performance Art Thieves Rappel From MoMa Ceiling To Steal Nude Marina Abramović Whipping Self With Flaming Rose #~# NEW YORK—Revealing that the “criminal masterminds” detonated a series of explosives and then rappelled down from the gallery ceiling, officials confirmed Friday that performance art thieves had broken into the MoMa and stolen a nude Marina Abramović whipping herself with a flaming rose. “After maneuvering past the laser sensor grid and disabling the museum’s central alarm system, these criminals were able to quickly locate and swipe Abramović, who was in the midst of a seven-hour piece where she violently lashed her bare back with a burning red rose,” said MoMa director Glenn D. Lowry, adding that the performance art thieves had cleverly disguised themselves as guards in order to take the famed 72-year-old, as well has her collaborator Ulay, out of the door and into an armored truck. “Based on what we know, these criminals were incredibly coordinated, because they were not only able to steal Abramović, but also replace her with an almost identical impostor, who then proceeded to ask audience members to crucify her on a giant, spiked cross. Sadly, this is the worst performance art heist since Chris Burden was stolen from LACMA after nailing himself to a Volkswagen Beetle.” At press time, Abramović had reportedly been located in a private performance art collection in Sweden, where authorities found her masturbating on a Soviet flag that had been soaked in acid.
Big Tech Donates Billions To Help With California Housing #~# Google, Facebook, and Apple have donated billions to aid the California housing crisis that many suggest they helped spur, although critics contend it will not be enough to counter the state’s rapidly rising cost of living and homelessness epidemic. What do you think?
‘New Day, Same Bullshit,’ Whispers Dalai Lama Before Slapping On Smile To Greet The Masses #~# MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Gripping the rim of the sink while staring at his reflection in his bathroom mirror, the Dalai Lama reportedly whispered, “New day, same bullshit,” Friday before slapping on a smile to go greet the masses. “If one more person asks me for spiritual guidance in the face of adversity, I’m going to blow my fucking brains out,” said the 14th Dalai Llama, sighing while checking his watch and reminding himself that he only needed to get through eight hours of congregating with throngs of devoted followers before he could return home to crash in front of the TV for the rest of the night. “It’s always something with these people. One of these days, some poor schmuck is gonna tell me how much I inspire him and I’ll snap. I’ll just start screaming and never stop. Pull it together, Tenzin, people are counting on you for spiritual leadership or whatever. God, I’m exhausted.” At press time, the Dalai Lama was laughing while discussing the beauty of divine benevolence in an interview with BBC News.
Recently Divorced Dad Waiting For Right Time To Introduce Children To Woman He Hooked Up With Last Night #~# TACOMA, WA—Fully aware that the issue could cause tension and conflict for his family, recently divorced dad Frank Harrison confirmed Friday that he was waiting for the right time to introduce his children to the woman he hooked up with last night. “The divorce was just finalized last week, and they tell you not to rush into anything, so that’s why I’m thinking 10 or 11 a.m. would be okay,” said Harrison, noting that while there’s no perfect time to find out your father banged a complete stranger, holding off until after Aiden and Rebecca had eaten breakfast could help ease the news. “We’ve been together for almost 10 hours at this point, so I feel like waiting any longer could make things weird. You only get to make a first impression once, and I want to make sure they hit it off. I was pretty drunk last night, but from what I can remember, she seems like a really great lady.” At press time, Harrison breathed a sigh of relief after discovering the woman had snuck out in the middle of the night.
Tips For Getting Started On ‘Death Stranding’ #~# After years of hype, Hideo Kojima’s latest mind-bending odyssey is finally out. But as is typical for the gaming auteur’s unique work, there’s tons you need to know before embarking on this epic adventure. Here are OGN’s tips for getting started on Death Stranding.
‘No, God, No!’ Screams Agonized James Dean Disappearing From Heaven As Filmmakers Finish Constructing CGI #~# THE HEAVENS—Crying out in terror as he suddenly began fading from view, the agnoized soul of James Dean was reportedly disappearing from Heaven Thursday as filmmakers finished constructing a CGI version of the actor. “Oh no, the pain is excruciating—what is happening to me?” said the iconic 1950s film star, who reportedly began wailing and disintegrating into dust as angels and seraphim tried vainly to hold onto him at the exact moment that a Hollywood special effects director pressed “enter” on his rendering software. “Why, oh why? What did I do to deserve this? Save me! Someone! Anyone! Oh, Jesus, it hurts, it hurts so badly.” At press time, the remaining aspects of James Dean’s spirit that could not be captured by CGI had been doomed to spend all eternity in an endless swirling purgatorial void. 
Democrats Make Major Gains In Virginia, Kentucky Elections #~# Tuesday’s elections brought Virginia Democrats to power over the governorship and State House for the first time since 1993, a significant blow Republicans compounded with a stinging loss in the Kentucky gubernatorial race. What do you think?
Gates Foundation Pledges $25 Billion To Eradicate Whatever Disease Drives People To Support Taxing The Rich #~# SEATTLE—Declaring they would stop at nothing to ensure the ailment was wiped out, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation reportedly pledged $25 billion Thursday toward eradicating whatever disease drives people to support taxing the rich. “It’s heartbreaking to see so many afflicted people driven to delusions that wealthy people should pay higher taxes, and I intend to do everything I can to ensure it doesn’t become a nationwide epidemic,” said Bill Gates of his donation to study what caused this frightening disease and embark on cutting-edge research to find a permanent cure. “We must eradicate this pandemic, which is affecting so many young people in the prime of their lives. While experts told us this illness was considered eliminated in the 1980s, we clearly grew complacent and allowed it to return. We should not have to live in a country where lives are ravaged by the sick thoughts that wealthy people in some way owe their fortunes to other people’s work and should return their excessive riches to the common good. Once we open our new state-of-the-art facility in Asheville, NC, we’ll be able to end this tragedy before it claims any more impressionable lives.” Gates added that his donation was matched by contributions from several other wealthy Americans concerned by the spread of this mental disease, including Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, and the Walton family.
DNC Leaders Bury Heads In Hands After New Moderate Presidential Recruit Immediately Walks Into Oncoming Traffic #~# WASHINGTON—Dealt another setback in their attempt to find a 2020 prospect they deem suitably centrist, Democratic National Committee leaders buried their heads in their hands after a new moderate presidential recruit immediately walked into oncoming traffic, sources confirmed Thursday. “For crying out loud, he didn’t even look first—he just stepped right out into the goddamn street,” DNC Chair Tom Perez said of a former Midwestern governor who, before being fatally struck by a D.C. Metrobus, was reportedly an innocuous candidate the party could run down the middle and trust not to stray too far from the status quo. “He had some great lines about being from the heartland, understanding true Americans, and not dividing the country any further, but now he’s in pieces all over the sidewalk. Goddammit! Well, at least he made it all the way to the street. The last 37 guys we tried fell in a ditch and never found their way out.” At press time, sources said an increasingly fed-up Perez had relented and told an aide to “just get fucking Bloomberg on the phone.”
Man Watches Video About Habits Of Effective Artists So He Too Can Be Effective Artist #~# SEATTLE—Hoping to pick up a few tips on “maximizing his creative toolkit,” local poet Ian Kelly, 31, was reportedly watching a video about the habits of effective artists Thursday so that he, too, could be an effective artist. “These tips are what the best of the best do, practices that the leading artistic minds perform every day,” said Kelly, who jotted down a few notes from the seven-minute-long YouTube video stressing the importance of discipline and integrity as an artist looking to build a legacy of transparency and innovation. “It’s pretty inspiring to think that I could be just like Pablo Neruda if I only set efficient goals and get feedback. Oh, and that’s interesting about Beethoven. I hope that I, too, can achieve that reach. Huh, I wonder what Da Vinci watched to become so effective? Probably a play or a puppet show.” At press time, Kelly had left the video behind after clicking on an ad from MasterClass.
Billions Of Blessed Souls Forced To Wander Earth During Heavenly Fumigation #~# EARTH—Describing the situation as “less than ideal,” billions of blessed souls were forced to wander around Earth this week during a pest-control fumigation of Heaven. “Even after living a life of faith, service, purity, and good works, we’re told that for the next 36 hours, we’re not allowed in His Everlasting Kingdom, which is just insulting on top of being a gigantic pain in the ass,” said eternally venerated spirit Darlene Lewis, adding that she found it hard to get a good night’s sleep away from her own cloud and resented being sent to the mortal realm and denied the opportunity to walk among the angels. “Not that I’m questioning His infinite wisdom, but God gave us practically no notice. I’ve been crashing on my husband’s couch all week, his new wife is starting to get annoyed, and my back is killing me. I’m ready to ascend to paradise again.” When contacted for comment, heavenly sources entreated blessed souls to please stop trying to get through the gas-proof plastic sheet tenting around the Pearly Gates.
NASA Sends Oven For Cookies To Space #~# A zero-gravity oven is heading to the International Space Station to help astronauts make “common and widely consumed foods,” such as chocolate chip cookies. What do you think?
Audience Participant Feels Like Drag Queen Deliberately Misconstruing His Answers #~# BROOKLYN—Remarking that it seemed as though she was intentionally twisting the meaning of his words, an audience participant at a drag brunch Thursday confirmed that he felt like the performer was deliberately misconstruing his responses to her questions. “When I first mentioned that I was a plumber and she said that she had some holes she’d like me to plug, I of course assumed I wasn’t being clear in my remarks, but as the interview progressed, I began to suspect she was being willfully obtuse in interpreting my answers,” said attendee Jake Shoals, 38, detailing how his straightforward comment about the bottomless mimosa special had been distorted into a suggestion that he would enjoy seeing women without their skirts on, which was reportedly not his intention at all. “Now, she’s asking me if I prefer my eggs done over easy, which seems like an innocuous enough question, but I’m frankly afraid to answer!” Shoals added that he hadn’t been this flabbergasted since a stand-up comedian had persisted in suggesting his girlfriend of five years was a sex worker despite any evidence to suggest such a thing.
I Have To Admit, I Spoil Dax Shepard #~# I have a small confession to make. There’s this little thing that, for whatever reason, I just can’t stop Myself from doing. My creation is vast. The Earth these days is home to nearly 8 billion of My precious children—each one special, each created in My image, each worthy of My love. Which makes it all the more difficult to explain why I’m always going out of My way to spoil actor, writer, and director Dax Shepard. 
Ford CEO Worried He Never Bringing Back Jobs He Outsourced #~# DEARBORN, MI—Admitting he had spent many sleepless nights afraid he would never make things right with the American people, Ford CEO James Hackett expressed worry Wednesday he might not bring back any of the jobs he had shipped outside the country. “It’s been a few years now since I moved production of the Ford Focus to China, and I’m terrified I may simply choose never to return those skilled positions to workers here in Michigan,” said Hackett, voicing concerns echoed by many distressed CEOs across the manufacturing sector who, despite receiving permanent corporate tax cuts under the Trump administration, have not yet moved a single job back to their local economies from Latin America or Asia. “People were promised those jobs were coming back. I’m worried that may have been a lot of empty talk to make Americans feel better. We’ve always said that if we were able to lower wages and get a lower tax rate, we could do it, but I just don’t think I’m going to.” Hackett added that even more upsetting than the lack of good-paying job opportunities returning to the United States was the fact that he would face zero consequences for his inaction.
Sondland Changes Testimony To Confirm Quid Pro Quo Claims #~# In a dramatic reversal, U.S. diplomat Gordon Sondland revised his testimony to confirm President Trump directed him to link American aid to Ukraine to a quid pro quo so that they investigate 2020 rival Vice President Biden. What do you think?
NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Offering an official condemnation for what the organization viewed as his rabid anti-gun agenda, the National Rifle Association issued an “F” rating to Bugs Bunny Wednesday for tying up gun barrels into pretzel shapes. “Time and time again, we have seen this radical agitator seeking to curtail the Second Amendment rights of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam by twisting their lawfully purchased firearms into a big bow,” said CEO Wayne LaPierre, telling reporters that the Looney Tunes star’s history of contorting even low-capacity firearms such as shotguns was depriving everyday citizens of their freedoms and earning him the lobby’s lowest rating. “If this sort of leftist intimidation tactics prevail, we’re looking at a future where government agents can come to your house while you’re sleeping and bend your gun into a U-shape or jam the barrels with carrots. Coastal elites like Bugs Bunny might be okay with that outcome, but true Americans will never stand for it.” LaPierre added that the NRA would be issuing an “A” rating to Marvin the Martian for providing a sterling example of a responsible ray gun owner.
U.S. Gives Formal Notice Of Exit From Paris Accords #~# In a major blow to the Paris Climate Agreement, the Trump administration announced that the U.S. will formally depart from the accord in the next year, although this can be quickly reversed by subsequent administrations. What do you think?
Report: Little Help Here? #~# BUFFALO, NY—Stating that it would just take a minute and it would be way easier with two people, a new report released Wednesday revealed that local man Greg Metcalf just needed a little help here. “If you could just pop over here and grab the other end that would be great,” said the report, confirming this wasn’t actually that heavy, it was just awkward. “Buddy, come on. Stop staring and get over here. It’s only one flight of stairs and then we’re done. Just give me a hand, okay? This thing was expensive.” At press time, Metcalf told reporters that “fuck it” he could just do it himself.
Catholic Priest Stuck In Remote Backwater Town Thinking About Molesting Kid Just To Get Transferred #~# YELLOW SPRINGS, OH—In an attempt to extricate himself from the moribund lifestyle of his rural town, Catholic priest Father James Callahan found himself seriously considering child molestation this week as a possible avenue of being transferred to a different parish. “There’s just nothing interesting going on here, and while I’d welcome the chance to relocate, I don’t want to wait the usual five years, so I figure I’ll be accused of something with an altar boy and be packing my bags in no time,” said Callahan, who normally has no sexual predilections towards children, but after submitting several fruitless requests for transfer, decided on what he believed was the quickest way to get himself placed in a more sophisticated, urban environment. “The nearest city to here is Dayton and that’s still half an hour away, so I’m kind of going up the walls here. I’d love to end up somewhere where you can get decent sushi, but honestly, even going someplace warm for the winter would be worth being involved with a congregant’s child.” Callahan later elaborated that if he eventually got bored at the new parish, he could most likely keep on molesting kids until he was posted to a sweet gig in Rome.
Timeline Of U.S.–Syria Relations #~# The U.S. decision to pull troops out of Syria that were assisting rebel forces has cleared the way for Turkey to ramp up military actions, escalating chaos in the region. The Onion provides a timeline of U.S. and Syrian relations.
5 States Hold Major Elections #~# Voters in Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, New Jersey and Virginia will head to the polls to elect state lawmakers, governors and other executives as representatives of the five states who hold odd-year elections. What do you think?
NYC Opens $500 Million Decoy Subway Station To Catch Turnstile Jumpers #~# NEW YORK—In a new effort by the MTA and law enforcement to crack down on fare evasion, New York City reportedly opened a $500 million decoy subway station this week to catch turnstile jumpers. “This sprawling, state-of-the-art station will have all the sights and sounds of a regular terminal, including turnstiles that will not accept MetroCards regardless of their available balance, increasing the likelihood of attempts to avoid payment,” said MTA project manager Greg Langdon, adding that the act of fare evasion would cause the floor to open up, sending the commuter down a chute connected to a windowless underground holding cell. “From the outside, there will be signage indicating that the very realistic station serves every train in the system. Upon entry, the station’s 500 security cameras will automatically capture high-definition photographs and videos of travellers and send them directly to the nearest precinct to be referenced against arrest records. A mix of plainclothes police and SWAT officers will also be on hand to help detain and interrogate anyone trying to ride for free. We hope to completely eliminate fare dodgers by adding decoy stations throughout the city.” At press time, Langdon added that to cover costs for this pilot program, the MTA would be closing 472 stations. 
Bad News, Gamers! ‘Mario & Sonic At The Olympic Games Tokyo 2020’ Will Be The Last Game #~# It is truly a tragic day for gamers everywhere. Speaking at a recent press conference, Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa sent shockwaves through the gaming industry after announcing that the upcoming Switch platformer Mario & Sonic At The Olympic Games Tokyo 2020 will be the last game. 
Hardline Pastry Chef Displays American Flag With Raspberry Cream Stripe To Honor Sacrifices Bakers Make Every Day #~# DALLAS, TX—Seeking to showcase his pride for his comrades’ heroism, hardline pastry chef Dave Southerton had reportedly displayed a black-and-white American flag with a raspberry cream stripe Tuesday to honor the sacrifices bakers make every day. “My profession is constantly under attack nowadays by people who claim we’re overusing confectioners sugar or that we’re trigger happy with our piping guns, but until you’ve been in our kitchens and had to make a snap judgment about when to take the cake out of the oven, you’ll never understand what it’s like,” said Southerton, telling reporters that the flag symbolized that he was part of the “thin meringue line” that separates order from chaos. “It’s easy for people to accuse my brave bakers-in-arms for their use of extreme flavors and nitpick a few bad apple turnovers. They might feel different if they ever had to experience the fear of walking through an unlit pantry at 3 a.m., only to discover the flour got all clumped together. I hope no civilian ever has to experience that, but maybe before you knock the toque and apron, you should think about the fact that when I leave the house every morning, I don’t know if I’ll be coming home that day covered in red velvet.” When asked about the numerous high-profile news stories where nut allergy sufferers died after receiving cake against their will, Southerton claimed this was an unfortunate but necessary consequence of serving the community. 
Visa Introduces New Preloaded Debt Card #~# FOSTER CITY, CA—In what the company stated was an effort to better cater to the financial realities of its customers, Visa has reportedly introduced a new preloaded debt card, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Our new debt card is available in outstanding balances from $50 to $150,000 on our platinum offering, allowing customers to begin owing money immediately,” said Visa CEO Al Kelly, adding that over the next few weeks, all current and pre-approved prospective Visa customers would receive a debt card in their name, and if they activate it within 30 days, they could receive an extra $1,000 in debt without any additional fees. “This is the kind of debt that can take years to accumulate, ready and waiting for you on the preloaded card. The debt card offers something for all our customers, whether it’s young people who haven’t had a chance to go into the red yet, or families who could use a little help toward losing their home. At Visa, we really wanted to give our customers a chance to build up strong and lasting debt.” Kelly added that the preloaded debt cards came with free debt monitoring services, in which Visa would track their debt scores, as well as notify customers if they could participate in any fraudulent deals or services.
Sanders Calls His Medicare-For-All Plan ‘Much More Progressive’ Than Warren’s #~# Following the release of Elizabeth Warren’s Medicare-for-All plan, Bernie Sanders called his own version “much more progressive in terms of protecting the financial well-being of middle-income families.” What do you think?
Coworker Apparently Just Going To Stare At Lunch In Microwave For Entire 3-Minute Cook Time #~# CLEVELAND—Noting his evident reluctance to break eye contact with the steadily rotating tupperware container, employees at Vizer Solutions speculated Tuesday that coworker Edward Morris was apparently just going to stare at his lunch in the microwave for the entire three-minute cook time. “Man, I guess his plan is to just stand a few feet off and peer at his food until the timer finally goes off,” said employee Patricia Clarke, noting that the visibly exhausted Morris had not moved once, even when a coworker was forced to squeeze past him to use the tea drawer, instead opting to stand his ground and maintain an intense direct line of sight with his meal. “It’s just ziti, too. No one is going to steal it, and there’s no chance that he’ll overcook it. God, he looks so determined, though.” At press time, Morris had continued to stare intently at his meal for 30 full seconds after the timer went off before sighing deeply and finally removing it from the microwave.
‘America Needs To Dream Bigger,’ Declares Aaron Sorkin To Burberry Employee Who Informed Him Coat He Wanted Out Of Stock #~# LOS ANGELES—Exhorting the staff to heed his words no matter what department they hailed from, award-winning screenwriter and playwright Aaron Sorkin reportedly delivered a lengthy monologue Monday saying that America needs to dream bigger after he was informed by a Burberry employee that the coat he wanted was out of stock. “We have lost our way as a country,” said an impassioned Sorkin, pacing through stacks of luggage and accessories at the Rodeo Drive Burberry store as he wondered aloud where the nation’s dreamers and doers had gone to, growing ever more world-weary as a 22-year-old clerk offered to see if the double-faced wool tailed cloak was available at another Los Angeles location. “We used to be builders, makers! And now look at us. Pathetic. This country has fallen so far. Would the great Americans who helped us reach the moon allow the inventory to plummet so low that a highly desired garment would not be available for purchase by a red-blooded customer? We must grow or die, we must work together to bring this grand American experiment back to its former glory. The question is, are we brave enough? I wonder.”At press time, sources confirmed that after being offered a nearly identical coat to the one he had requested, Sorkin had launched into another 38-minute monologue about how true Americans accepted no substitutes. 
‘The Onion’ Announces New Nationwide Literacy Program Encouraging Kids To Read ‘The Onion’ For An Hour A Day #~# WASHINGTON—Serving as America’s Finest News Source for over 200 years, The Onion has always been at the forefront of educating and enlightening the drooling masses of this great nation, and now, more than ever, we must fight for future generations’ right to be informed, uplifted, and spoon-fed talking points by massive corporations. It is in that grand tradition that The Onion is proudly announcing our new nationwide literacy program encouraging pre-K and grade-school children to read The Onion for an hour a day. Studies by the Zwiebel Institute for Underhuman Enrichment have shown that just one hour a day of reading The Onion is directly correlated with higher lifetime earnings, admission in Ivy League colleges, higher testosterone levels, and a 40% growth in the critical “perceptiveness” and “dominion” sections of the brain. Doctors observing Onion readers over a 20-year period also discovered a 75% decrease in heart disease and a 350% surge in the number of sexual partners. The Onion believes no child should be denied such a happy and healthy future. Even if children are not yet capable of reading, simply starting for one hour at The Onion’s award-purchasing photography and elegantly designed homepage should advance them several grades ahead of their less-informed classmates. Kids can also share in the joy of human social interaction by reading their favorite Onion articles aloud to their classmates or holding a discussion about how much The Onion has affected their lives and improved the world. The future is now—we owe it to our children and their children after them to build a world where The Onion is read and understood by every man, woman, and child. So please, do your part, and help bring this literacy program to your school, megachurch, or doomsday bunker today.
CNN Responds To Richard Spencer Comments By Apologizing For Not Getting Him To Say Those Things On The Show #~# ATLANTA—Following leaked audio of the white supremacist’s slur-filled 2017 tirade, CNN responded Monday to Richard Spencer’s comments by apologizing for not getting him to say those things while on the network. “We’re truly sorry Mr. Spencer wasn’t able to espouse his hateful, anti-Semitic rhetoric during our interview, which would have easily secured at least 48 hours of nonstop coverage about whether it’s okay to say such things,” said CNN Chief Washington Correspondent Jake Tapper, who begged for forgiveness for missing an obvious opportunity to provide a nice boost to the network’s ratings. “If we had known beforehand that this white nationalist believed that Caucasians are the one true race or about his commitment to using violence against minorities, we would have provided him with a much bigger platform and at least doubled the length of the broadcast. We really dropped the ball here, and we promise our viewers we will better frame all questions so they elicit this type of vitriol in future segments.” At press time, CNN vowed to make up for this misstep with a weeklong town hall debate comprised entirely of Holocaust deniers.
Popeyes Fried Chicken Sandwich Returns #~# The highly touted Popeyes spicy chicken sandwich returned on Sunday, bringing with it lengthy lines and excitement around the country for the temporarily unavailable menu item. What do you think?
Man Spends Hours Surfing Internet Rather Than Dealing With Real Pressing Issues In ‘Harvest Moon: Light Of Hope’ #~# WATERBURY, CT—Bemoaning his inability to prioritize actual responsibilities over online distractions, local man Harper Crawford reportedly spent hours surfing the internet Monday rather than dealing with real pressing issues piling up in Harvest Moon: Light of Hope. “Here I am reading through my friend’s Facebook page like any of this stuff matters, when I know for a fact that I have an entire harbor town depending on me to rebuild their businesses and fix the local lighthouse,” said Crawford, stressing that while there were few real-world repercussions if he were to exit his browser and log off of his computer, there were numerous people, including Soleil, Gus, and the rest of the farming simulator’s characters, who counted on his daily commitment to putting in the hard work of picking up his watering can and going out into the field to harvest his turnips. “The worst part is that even as I’m mindlessly scrolling through Reddit, I have this nagging sense that there are mutated strains of Angel Lantern building up out on my farm. For Christ’s sake, this island is the place I call home. What am I doing wasting my time responding to work emails?” Crawford also admitted that while he, of course, should spend some time in Harvest Moon’s Dog Racing Festival, he knew that all of this was ultimately just sidetracking him from the core issue of unlocking the Botanist skill set in Stardew Valley.
Report: It Going To Take A Lot More Than ‘Love Shack’ To Bring Wedding Guest Out To Dance Floor #~# CARMEL, IN—In a report that shed new light into “How to really get this party going,” wedding guest Melissa Ramirez confirmed Friday that it was going to take a lot more than “Love Shack” to bring her out to the dance floor. “If you think dropping a silly little song like ‘Love Shack’ is going to make people leap out of their seats, then you’ve got another thing coming,” said Ramirez, who noted that the DJ was going to have to bring his A game if he thought middling tracks like “We Are Family” or “Tainted Love” would cut it. “It’s got to be faster. It’s got to be louder. And it’s got to be something choreographed. Look at these poor people now, they can’t dance to this. They’re just kind of standing there shimmying. I’m not getting out there for anything less than the ‘Cha-Cha Slide.’” At press time, Ramirez was shaking her head as her entire table jumped to their feet upon hearing the opening bars of “I Want You Back.”
Timeline Of Studies On The Effects Of Eating Meat #~# A recent study suggesting that regular red meat consumption has negligible effects countered growing consensus that eating red meat is bad for you, and gave rise to questions about why expert advice on meat consumption seems to change so often. The Onion takes a look at the history of studies about the effects of eating meat.
Cocktail Menu Scanned For Drink With Fewest Unfamiliar Ingredients #~# ATLANTA—Searching for anything bearing even a passing resemblance to a normal beverage, junior broker Eric Voss, 34, was observed scanning the menu at The Crow’s Nest, an upscale cocktail bar, for whichever drink included the fewest unfamiliar ingredients. “Elderflower? That’s definitely out, and this one seems to be mostly whiskey, but God only knows what gomme syrup is supposed to be,” said Voss, visibly attempting to remain composed in front of his date as he paged through a leather-bound menu of inscrutable infusions, obscure tropical fruits, and entire phrases in French. “This one with watermelon looked good at first, but there are maybe six other things listed after that I’ve never heard of. Most of these are probably types of bitters, right? Or liqouers, maybe? Egg white, no. Gelatin, no. Here we go, they’ve got an old fashioned, so we’ve got brandy, citrus...christ, what the hell is ‘fat-washed’ liquor?” At press time, Voss was watching with mounting apprehension as the bartender lit the rum and Coke he had ordered on fire and reached for a durian fruit.
Nation Celebrates Halloween #~# The nation enjoyed its most frightening holiday on Thursday with trick-or-treating, horror films, and costume parties. How did you celebrate Halloween?
New Exhibit At Dallas Visitor’s Center Focuses On Things That Went Right During JFK’s November 1963 Visit #~# DALLAS—In an effort to demonstrate that many decent and wholesome things transpired in the city on November 22, 1963, despite the occurrence of certain undeniably tragic events, the Dallas Visitor’s Center has unveiled a new exhibit Friday highlighting all the things that went right on the day of President John F. Kennedy’s historic visit. “There has always been an air of negativity surrounding President Kennedy’s Dallas trip, but the overwhelming feeling among Texans seems to be that one little hiccup shouldn’t overshadow all the good things that happened that day,” said museum docent Thomas Worth, who along with his staff centered the Otherwise Nice Day In Dallas exhibit around photos of a smiling President Kennedy disembarking from Air Force One; the original permits for the motorcade, properly filled out in excellent penmanship; and several examples of handcrafted signs and banners carried by the president’s supporters along his route across Dealey Plaza. “Of course, Zapruder’s grainy hand-held 8mm film gets all the attention, but we have lots of archival footage of that day which clearly shows a smiling crowd having a great time watching the progress of Kennedy’s limousine. People forget what a beautiful Texas fall day the 22nd of November was in 1963, so historians have concluded that the ride itself was likely very pleasant. Despite what we freely admit are some black marks on the calendar, we mustn’t forget how the president had written a very fine speech that he wished to deliver that day, right here at the Dallas Trade Mart.” Visitors to the Otherwise Nice Day In Dallas exhibit have praised the central display, an interactive diorama of the Dallas highway system demonstrating how the president’s car was able to get to Parkland Memorial Hospital in such a short period of time.
House Formalizes Impeachment Proceedings #~# In a 232-196 party-line vote, the House of Representatives voted to formalize impeachment proceedings, bringing the inquiry into a far more public stage while clarifying the rules and scope of the investigation into the president’s wrongdoing. What do you think?
TC Energy Says Keystone Pipeline Failed Due To Protestors Making It Lose Confidence In Itself #~# CALGARY, ALBERTA—Laying the blame squarely at the feet of those who pushed the state-of-the-art pipe system towards self-sabotage, Canadian oil company TC Energy held a press conference Friday to announce that the Keystone Pipeline’s 9,000-barrel leak was due to protestors making it lose confidence in itself. “Having to endure so many people screaming and yelling about how bad the pipeline was for months on end began to take a real toll on the system’s psyche and has put us in the unfortunate position we’re in today,” said CEO Russell Girling, telling reporters that activists constantly warning about the potential for spills and catastrophic environmental damage had caused the pipeline to spiral into depression and turned their warnings into a self-fulfilling prophecy. “I mean, think about it. How would you feel if you had to go about your day, just trying to mind your business, with thousands of people telling you to get out? This pipeline was simply never built for this kind of sustained social pressure coming from these tribal leaders and activists who bullied it into harming itself.” Girling added that spills like this would keep happening more and more unless everyone came together in the aftermath of this incident and showed some real forgiveness. 
‘Sesame Street’ Introduces Paranoid-Schizophrenic Muppet To Educate Kids About Pat Sajak Stealing Your Empty Tuna Cans #~# NEW YORK—Continuing the show’s much-lauded commitment to inclusivity, the producers of Sesame Street introduced a paranoid-schizophrenic Muppet Friday specifically conceived to help educate kids about Pat Sajak stealing their empty tuna cans. “For certain children, awareness of threats posed by the Wheel Of Fortune host can be crucial to development, and that’s where Leo comes in,” said head writer Sue Rawson, who noted that the new Muppet’s fun sing-along songs were created to help kids improve in a number of cognitive areas, including identifying the shadows where Sajak lurks and knowing which letters of the alphabet are actually the television personality’s demonic servants. “We have Leo pacing the studio apartment where he lives alone, opening cabinets, clutching at tuna cans and shouting “Aha!” to emphasize the truth that nowhere is truly safe from Pat Sajak. For added realism, we’ve given Leo a neighbor who comes by from time to time to check on him and make sure he’s taking his prescribed antipsychotic medications.” A press release from Children’s Television Workshop also noted that Leo will be instructing young viewers on how to properly duct tape their toilets shut to ensure Sajak is unable to slither out during the night and steal their food while they sleep.
NCAA To Allow Compensation For College Athletes #~# In a surprise move, the NCAA’s board of governors voted unanimously to allow college athletes to be compensated for the use of their name, image, and likeness. What do you think?
‘Someone’s In Here!’ Says Man In Restroom Asserting Own Existence For First Time In Months #~# KENNEBUNK, ME—Springing out of his characteristic ennui immediately upon hearing the knock at the restroom’s door, local man Ethan Finney reportedly announced, “Someone’s in here,” Friday at Sunflower Café in the first real assertion of his own existence in months. “One second! I’m in here!” said Finne, affirming the physical reality of his own being in a manner he had habitually avoided for the past three months, before going on to suggest that his place in the universe possessed purpose, meaning, and value that demanded others acknowledge his presence as a living being with emotions and sentience. “I’ll be out soon! Can you just wait? [I am real. I am present. I exist. Please, you have to understand. I am real. See me. Just see that I exist.]” At press time, Finney was spotted apologizing for taking so long as he hurried out of the bathroom in a reversion to the wraithlike state of sheer self-effacement that has defined nearly all of his adult life.
The 10 Greatest Games Of The Past Decade #~# The last 10 years have been a period of dramatic evolution in video games. From revolutions in interactive storytelling (remember a time when “walking simulator” and “Souls” weren’t genres?) to significant progress in game creation inclusivity, what defined gaming has mutated into something stranger, more expansive, and—dare we say it?—more human. After much debate among our editorial board, here is the definitive list of the 10 greatest games of the past decade.
Best Podcasts Of The Decade #~# A spiritual successor to NPR’s breakout Serial, S-Town proved that you didn’t need journalistic integrity, morals, facts, or even any sort of coherent story to craft a moderately received podcast.
Best Albums Of The Decade #~# This album was so good. Oh, wait, are we thinking of Sleep Well Beast? Or was that the other one? Was that the one with “Bloodbuzz Ohio”? We like that one more. Maybe that’s the one we’re thinking of. Did that other one we like more come out in 2010? No, this is the one we like. We think.
Trent Reznor Ruins 31st Consecutive Holiday Season By Talking About How Christianity A Bunch Of Bullshit #~# MERCER, PA—Retreating to his room after yet another screaming argument, Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor reportedly spoiled his family’s Christmas gathering for the 31st year in a row Wednesday by continually interrupting relatives to tell them their religion was total bullshit.. “It’s the same thing every year: We’ll be saying grace, Trent will refuse to bow his head, and then the rest of the meal is him going on and on about how Christianity was developed as a system of mind control and we’re all brainwashed,” said Reznor’s uncle, Clyde Reznor, who joked that it was almost a family tradition watching the 54-year-old Oscar-winning songwriter and composer slouch in the pews at Christmas Eve mass and cough the word “liar” into his fist during the priest’s homily. “I can’t even say ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes without that kid rolling his eyes at me. At first we all thought it was just a phase, but nope, Trent still colors his fingernails with permanent marker and calls his cousins ‘sheep’ when they want to watch It’s A Wonderful Life. I’ll tell you, though, he sure was happy to open up his presents this morning. Funny how that works, huh?” At press time, the platinum-selling artist was reportedly out in the driveway sitting behind the wheel of his ’91 Ford Taurus and blasting “Head Like A Hole” at full volume.
Best TV Shows Of The Decade #~# A revealing documentary series exploring the occult, esoteric British subculture of preparing food with dry heat, otherwise known as baking.
Devastated Family Struggling To Get Through First Christmas Since Dad Returned #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—Admitting they were sorting through their heartbreak weeks after the tragedy, members of Sarpino family struggled to get through their first Christmas since their father returned, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Honestly, we’ve tried to just soldier through and enjoy what we can of baking cookies and putting on some Christmas music, but it’s hard to ignore how hollow all that is when we know that Howard is really here again,” said a tearful Claire Sarpino, 36, stressing that her husband’s presence was especially painful around this time of year, when there were so many festive symbols of the many happy memories the family had shared before his sudden and devastating reappearance. “God, last year’s Christmas was so relaxed and carefree. We took it for granted that those times without him would last forever. But now everywhere I look—from the shouting in the TV room to the six-pack in the fridge—I see reminders looming in the background. Frankly, I don’t know if we’ll ever put the pieces back together again.” At press time, Sarpino added that she was sure the family would get used to her husband being there eventually, but that their life would never quite feel the same.
Best Movies Of The Decade #~# Proved that working for a long time on something is basically the same as it being good.
Report: Make It Stop #~# EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far and they would do almost anything for even a few glorious minutes of respite. “We’re on our hands and knees, pleading with you to make it all go away once and for all. What’s it going to take? Jesus Christ, just stop it! Stop it right now!” At press time, sources confirmed that they knew deep down it was never going to stop.
Tips For Displaying Artwork In Your Home #~# Whether it’s a child’s drawing or an expensive piece, artwork can really make a difference in how a home looks and feels. The Onion offers tips for displaying works of art in your home.
Prominent Evangelical Magazine Calls For Removing Trump From Holy Trinity #~# CAROL STREAM, IL—In a scathing opinion piece published Thursday by Christianity Today, the evangelical magazine’s editor-in-chief Mark Galli made the case for President Trump’s removal from the Holy Trinity. “The president has demonstrated repeatedly that he lacks the ethical convictions necessary for us to continue worshipping him as a part of the triune God,” said Galli, explaining that when Trump was seated at the right hand of the Father, many Christians assumed his behavior would by extension be righteous and godly, but this has not been the case. “While it is not a decision we undertake lightly, our position is firm: If we do not reverse course now—if we continue to accept Mr. Trump as our Lord and Savior in spite of his blackened moral record—who will take the evangelical community seriously in the years to come?” Galli’s editorial goes on to reassure readers the magazine supports the deification of Vice President Pence, who in the event of Trump’s removal would ascend to a place alongside the Father and the Holy Spirit.
Americans Tune In Reduced-Field Democratic Debate #~# Featuring a narrowed field of only seven candidates, Democratic frontrunners Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Pete Buttigieg took the stage last night alongside other candidates to provide viewers with further insight into their campaigns for presidency in the last debate of the year. What do you think?
Antsy, Jonesing Nation Demands New Grinch Content #~# LOS ANGELES—Explaining their intense, overwhelming desire for more film, TV, or merchandise involving the beloved Dr. Seuss character, an antsy, jonesing nation issued demands Friday for new Grinch content. “It’s been almost an entire year since we’ve seen our favorite green Christmas curmudgeon brought to life on the big screen, and we won’t be satisfied until we get at least a TV special or animated short,” said Bud Lang, 37, echoing the sentiments of approximately 300 million sweating, agitated Americans whose agonizing desperation for more projects involving Whoville’s most famous citizen had led them to march outside Illumination studio with pro-Grinch picket signs and threaten Theodor Seuss Geisel’s heirs if they wouldn’t give up the rights to whoever wanted them. “Whether it’s a retelling of the classic redemptive story of his heart growing three sizes, some new adventure exploring his relationship to Valentine’s Day, or a prequel explaining the history of Mount Crumpit, we will consume it ravenously as soon as it’s produced. There isn’t a stop-motion version of The Grinch yet, so that’s a definite option, or maybe some sort of VR experience where you can actually pet Max the dog? We don’t care, just give it to us now for the love of God!” At press time, the nation was seeking solace by once again rewatching all the DVD special features from 2000’s live-action The Grinch.
Deal Alert: Got A Nintendo Switch And Amazon Prime? Well, Look At You, Mr. Moneybags #~# Listen up, Nintendo fanboys, because do we have news for you! Do you own a Switch and have an Amazon Prime subscription? You do? Well, well, well, look at you, Mr. Moneybags.
Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2013 #~# HUMBOLDT, TN—Citing recent tales such as “Hank the Homework-Before-Dessert Dog,” “Elmer the Don’t-Talk-Back Parrot,” and “Hard Work Is Its Own Reward,” 8-year-old Travis Ferland told reporters Wednesday the theme of obedient children had begun to recur in his father’s bedtime stories. “In last night’s story, Ricky the Raccoon was almost to Pinecone Castle to rescue Princess Porcupine when he suddenly turned around and went home because he realized he had forgotten to ask his dad for permission to go outside,” said Travis, noting that his father had also recently introduced a human character named “Travvie” who, because he wishes to be a big help to his father, chooses to rake leaves without receiving an allowance. “At least it was better than the one about the unicorn who goes on a trip with his parents and does nothing the whole time but sit quietly in the backseat of the car and behave himself.” Travis’ father, Peter Ferland, declined to comment on the bedtime stories and instead asked if his son had been polite or “acted like a little shit” when talking with reporters.
DNC Bows To Pressure By Adding Andrew Cuomo To Increase Ethnic Representation On Debate Stage #~# LOS ANGELES—In response to criticism that its threshold for participation has reduced the diversity on stage, the Democratic National Committee announced it would increase ethnic representation in Thursday night’s debate by allowing New York governor Andrew Cuomo to take part. “We heard loud and clear from Democratic voters how important it is to have a panel of debaters that reflects the diverse fabric of America, and so we’re grateful to Gov. Cuomo for agreeing to join tonight’s event on such short notice,” said DNC spokesperson Philip Aldridge, adding that now more than ever it was vital for Democrats to show they are the party of all Americans, whether they be white, Sicilian, Sardinian, or even Venetian. “Inclusion is at the heart of everything the DNC strives for, and Italian Americans are a group that, especially if you look back at the late 19th and early 20th centuries, has been historically underrepresented in positions of power. What better way to show that the Democratic Party truly cares about people of color?” At press time, DNC officials had confirmed that due to space restrictions, Cuomo would be given Andrew Yang’s podium at the debate.
DNC Eases Debate Requirements To 0.1% Above Whatever Cory Booker Polling #~# WASHINGTON—In response to the presidential candidate’s criticism of the party’s current rules that have left him unqualified for tonight’s Democratic debate, the DNC announced Thursday that they have eased the debate requirements to 0.1% above whatever number Cory Booker was polling. “We’ve considered Senator Booker’s comments and have agreed to change the overly stringent prerequisites to include those candidates who poll just a fraction of a percentage above him,” said DNC chairman Tom Perez, adding that these less strict qualifications would be tied to a constantly sliding scale contingent on how Senator Booker’s campaign was doing at any point during the race, opening up the debate stage to a more inclusive group of Democrats who had low polling numbers that were still higher than Booker’s. “We’ve also taken the extra step of adjusting the number of necessary donations from 200,000 unique donors to whatever number makes Booker come up just shy of qualifying. We want to thank Senator Booker for pointing out this injustice after he learned that he would not be eligible for the upcoming debate, and we hope that this compromise satisfies Senator Booker’s request.” Perez added that the threshold may be relaxed even more to allow any Democratic candidate still in the race onto the debate stage after Cory Booker drops out.
Sad ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ Fan Can’t Believe There Never Going To Be Another ‘Star Wars’ Movie #~# ALLENTOWN, PA—Overcome with despair after realizing he’d never again see the franchise’s beloved characters, local Rise Of Skywalker fan Tim Abrams told reporters Thursday that he can’t believe there wasn’t ever going to be another Star Wars movie. “What a bummer—no more lightsabers, no more force, no more toys, no more merchandise,” said Kinslow, admitting that he was surprised that Disney “stuck to their guns” in releasing a self-contained trilogy. “It’s too bad, because I love spending time in this universe so much. Even though they tied up all the loose ends, I bet there’s enough material to make an animated TV series or maybe even a video game. I’m only 33, too, so it’s really upsetting that I’ll have to go the rest of my life without another Skywalker story. Hell, if they just released a couple more minutes of Star Wars, I’d be satisfied, but I understand that it might be seen as a soulless cash grab.” At press time, Kinslow announced plans to visit Disney World “before they take all the Star Wars stuff down.” 
Chinese Government Justifies Mass Surveillance By Explaining That All Of Life A Grand Performance #~# BEIJING—In the wake of criticism over their video monitoring and digital tracking of civilians, Chinese government officials defended their move toward mass surveillance Thursday by explaining that life was a grand performance, a ballet of sorts, that they were privileged to bear witness to. “Each of our citizens is a star of their own unique story, and who are we but spectators, blessed to preserve their performances and make of them something truly immortal?” said Police Commissioner-General Zhao Kezhi, confirming that the methodical installation of thousands of facial-recognition cameras across the nation was simply a means of capturing the fleeting spark of life, to transfigure existence into a more meaningful experience. “Every sentence uttered, every message sent, every clandestine look is worthy of such curation, so it will always be available for future contemplation and reflection. Is each day not its own epic, full of minor characters, heroes, and of course villains who oppose the party and must be ruthlessly purged from our society? From the single protester running from riot police to the provincial governor being blackmailed into silence, it is our solemn duty to commit to the permanence of film the great unfurling flower that is the human spirit.” At press time, top law enforcement officials were seen waxing poetic over the subtle majesty of a piece of closed-circuit footage that showed a Muslim in Xinjiang being beaten into renouncing her faith.
Fans Line Up For ‘Rise of the Skywalker’ #~# Amidst mixed reviews and mounting hype, Star Wars fans will line up this weekend to see Rise of the Skywalker, the ninth installment of the sci-fi series. What do you think?
Trump Claims He Knows John Dingell Is In Hell Because He Sees Window Into Terrifying Inferno Every Time He Closes His Eyes #~# WASHINGTON—Clarifying controversial remarks he made about the deceased Michigan lawmaker last night, Donald Trump told reporters Thursday he can confirm the late congressman John Dingell is in hell because of the window into a terrifying inferno the president sees every time he closes his eyes. “Each night, when I lie down in bed, I feel the heat of eternal flames and hear the screams of the damned,” said Trump, explaining that he has gazed into the hideous abyss and seen Satan himself feasting upon the maggot-infested corpse of the long-serving former representative. “John’s definitely down there along with all the other poor souls crying out to be released from ceaseless torment. He’s always whispering that the fate awaiting me will be far, far worse than his, beyond anything I could possibly comprehend. Why do you think I barely sleep?” Members of the White House press pool were then seen running from the briefing room as the blood drained from the president’s face, his eyes rolled back in his head, and, using an inhumanly deep, guttural voice, he began to mutter strange incantations in Latin.
CG Supervisor For ‘Cats’ Thought He Actually Did An Okay Job #~# LOS ANGELES—Stunned into silence after reading through thousands of highly critical comments about the new film, James Darnell, the CG supervisor for Cats, spoke up quietly Thursday to note that he thought he actually did an okay job. “Honestly, I think the end result didn’t turn out so bad at all,” said Darnell, stressing that the widely panned sight of Taylor Swift, Jason Derulo, and James Corden as computer-generated cats singing and dancing through London alleyways represented three grueling years of his life. “For months, I stayed up late rendering textures to make sure the whiskers looked just right on the face of [Idris Elba’s character] Macavity. That was hard, all right? And when I was finally finished, I was so proud that I showed my wife some of the concept art. I don’t know. Obviously, it’s a silly little thing, but—I mean, Jesus Christ, this is my life these people are tearing apart. Have some fucking decency.” At press time, Darnell speculated that maybe the problem had less to do with him and more to do with the fact that Americans have just gotten far crueler and more spiteful in the past few years.
Man Still Can’t Believe He’s Not A Virgin #~# ABBOTSFORD, WI—Shaking his head in stunned wonderment at all he had attained despite his many failings, 32-year-old Greg Langley told reporters Thursday that he still could not believe that he was no longer a virgin. “It’s been more than a decade since I first slept with a woman, and I still can’t fathom how or why that could have possibly happened,” said the deflowered network engineer, who marveled at the fact that a woman had somehow found him—a scrawny man with virtually no redeeming physical or intellectual traits—to be a worthy partner for sexual intercourse. “It just doesn’t make sense. Every time I think about that night, I think to myself, ‘No, Greg, that must have been a beautiful dream you had. You’re still the same old virgin you were way back in 2008.’ But the thing is that it wasn’t a dream. I really had sex with a woman. It’s absolutely stunning.” Langley emphasized that paying for the evening in no way diminished his shock that it had happened at all.
Body-Positive Male Ally Worried Girlfriend Has Been Packing On The Beauty Lately #~# NEW CASTLE, DE—Noting that it had become way more noticeable in her hips and chin lately, local body-positive male ally Jason Isakson was reportedly worried Thursday that his girlfriend has been packing on the beauty lately. “Ashley has been really stressed out recently, and I fear that there may be more of her to worship than ever,” said the forward-thinking champion of female empowerment, explaining that he had noticed her 5- or 10-pound previous fluctuations in beauty, but that he had never seen her flawlessness get this bad before. “I don’t mind a little bit of extra gorgeous, but at some point, it’s a health thing. Her waist has gotten way more perfect the way it is for sure. I think she’s almost two sizes more stunning than she was in the summer.” At press time, Isakson was expressing concern to a neighbor that a nearby affordable housing development might attract too many people deserving of equal rights to the area.
All The Substitute Teachers We Absolutely Wrecked In 2019 #~# This motherfucker honestly thought we were just going to sit quietly and complete a worksheet on binomials. God, the hubris.
Middling ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ Review Leaves Fan On Fence About Whether To Threaten To Kill Critic #~# SKOKIE, IL—Expressing ambivalence toward the relatively balanced appraisal of the film, Star Wars fan Miles Ariely admitted Thursday that an online publication’s middling review of The Rise Of Skywalker had left him on the fence about whether he would still threaten to kill the critic who wrote it. “I’m really of two minds about this, because on the one hand, he said the new movie fails to live up to the original trilogy, which makes me at least want to throw a brick through his window with a note telling him to watch his back,” said Ariely, confirming he had already drafted an eight-page-long death threat to Stan Corimer of the website Screen-On Time, but had not yet decided whether to post it to the reviewer’s Facebook page. “On the other hand, though, he commended J.J. Abrams’ skillful pacing and faithfulness to George Lucas’ vision, which makes me wonder if I should just call the whole thing off. Now, I really don’t feel like camping outside his house for hours. Maybe I could go with a response that’s somewhere in between, like, threatening to kill his dog but not everyone in his whole family? I don’t know. This is a tough one.” At press time, sources reported that Ariely had resolved to wear his Ewok costume while he murdered the critic in his sleep.
Dogs And Cats Who Were Certain You’d Be The One To Adopt Them In 2019 #~# You didn’t go inside or offer any indication that you were even considering adopting an animal right now, so this one is 100% on the dog.
Our Most Blatant Attempts To Shoehorn An Anecdote About The Monterey Bay Aquarium Into An Unrelated Conversation In 2019 #~# When the Starbucks barista asked if we could spell our name for her, you bet we pounced to say that at least it’s not as hard to spell as “anemone,” of which the Monterey Bay Aquarium has six varieties.
President Impeached #~# In a historic rebuke to the White House’s misconduct, the House of Representatives voted to impeach the president on charges of abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, invoking the power for only the third time in American history. What do you think?
GOP Turns Dozens Of House Democrats Away From Impeachment For Failing To Provide Adequate Voter ID #~# WASHINGTON—Warning that allowing them to vote without proper documentation would undermine the sanctity of the democratic process, the House GOP turned away dozens of Democrats from impeaching President Donald Trump Wednesday after determining they did not have adequate voter ID. “This is simply a precautionary measure to make sure that these individuals are, in fact, real U.S. representatives who would be eligible to engage in this process,” said Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), telling reporters that he had been forced to prevent numerous members, including John Lewis, Maxine Waters, and James Clyburn, from entering the congressional chamber since they had not been able to show two forms of government-issued identification, as well as a utility bill, to establish residency. “Yes, providing adequate ID is a little annoying, but without oversight, these so-called members of Congress could run amok, voting in multiple districts and leading to a fraudulent impeachment. We simply cannot allow this to happen, so if we come across any representatives who appear suspicious, it’s imperative we make sure they’re thoroughly scrutinized.” Gaetz added that in order to relieve exhausted congressional staffers, impeachment voting had closed several hours early. 
Congressman Could’ve Sworn Last Impeachment Was Catered #~# WASHINGTON—Looking around the chamber for some sort of food station, Congressman Don Young (R-AK) told reporters Wednesday that he could’ve sworn the last impeachment hearing he attended was catered. “When we were impeaching Clinton in the ’90s, I’m pretty sure there was a whole spread with, like, soups and sandwiches and a prime rib carving station,” said a peckish Young, explaining that he purposefully didn’t bring lunch today because he assumed the House of Representatives would be providing them with a buffet. “I asked an aide where the grub was, and she told me she could order food for me but I’d have to pay for it—can you believe it? I mean, not even a make-your-own pasta bar for exercising our constitutional duties. At the very least, they could have provided us with some danishes or something.” When it was representative Young’s turn to have the floor, sources confirmed he delivered an impassioned diatribe blasting the lack of free food.
Barack Obama: Women Are Better Leaders Than Men #~# While speaking at an event in Singapore, former President Obama argued that if women ran every country in the world, there would be a general improvement in living standards and outcomes, and that women are “indisputably” better than men. What do you think?
Poll Finds 54% Of Americans Approve Executing Trump But Leaving Him In Office #~# HAMDEN, CT—According to a new poll out Wednesday from Quinnipiac University, 54% of Americans approve of President Trump receiving the death penalty, but believe his transgressions have not risen to a level that warrants removal from office. “While nearly all survey participants agreed the president should be executed in a highly public setting, only a minority thinks he should receive a proper burial, with more than half stating that the deceased commander-in-chief should be allowed to complete his four-year term,” said polling analyst Rebecca Glenski, explaining that the results indicate an unwillingness among Americans to effectively overturn the outcome of a presidential election. “Of that 54%, approximately two-thirds said that after he is put to death—preferably by hanging, beheading, or crucifixion—Trump should not only remain in the Oval Office but also be permitted to appear at public events, attend official White House functions, and have a seat at global summits like the G7. In addition, most respondents strongly indicated the president’s corpse should stand for re-election next year so the people can decide whether to remove his earthly remains from office.” Polling suggests in 2020 the bloated, lifeless body of Trump would continue to enjoy a strong, built-in advantage in the Electoral College.
Recycling: Myth Vs. Fact #~# Recycling has been practiced for most of human history, and over the last several decades, it has become a cornerstone in the fight against environmental degradation, but many myths about it persist. The Onion debunks common myths about recycling.
Trump Calls Democrats ‘Deranged’ In 6-Page Letter To Pelosi #~# Lashing out over frustrations concerning the impeachment process, the president sent a rambling letter to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi calling Democrats “deranged” and accusing them of bringing to life the worst fears of the Founding Fathers. What do you think?
Insurance Company Annoyed Customer Doesn’t Realize They Were Just Being Polite When They Said They’d Cover Healthcare Bills #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Wondering if the woman had any idea how normal interactions like this are supposed to work, employees at Humana Insurance were becoming annoyed Wednesday with a customer who did not seem to realize that offers to pay for healthcare were just supposed to be a polite gesture. “Offering to cover 80% of surgery cost is just something you kind of say to make people feel better, nobody is actually supposed to follow through on that offer,” said case manager Raymond Carberry, who expressed frustration when a customer stepped completely outside the bounds of a normal, courteous interaction with her submission of a claim form for a broken arm. “Every non-crazy person knows how this works, they’re just supposed to pay us a premium and then move on. What kind of weirdo actually asks for money? It’s deranged. She even wants us to pay for her ambulance ride, that’s just something you throw on a contract because it’s expected, it doesn’t actually mean anything.” At press time, a relieved Carberry had noticed that the customer misspelled the name of the hospital and denied the claim in full.
Study Finds Comparing Yourself To Others Actually Pretty Good Way To Gauge Success #~# ANN ARBOR—Contradicting long-standing beliefs about the once frowned-upon practice, a study released Tuesday by psychologists at the University of Michigan found that comparing yourself to others is actually an effective way to gauge success. “While we did not study the effects that comparing yourself to others may have on your mental health and self-esteem, we found that personal success is, in fact, often completely relative to that experienced by others, making it especially important to beat other people in your vocation,” said research director Dr. Ellen Hadley, 35, observing that she herself is much more successful than many of the older contributors to the study, many of whom hold neither a director’s title nor enjoy the privilege of being quoted in articles. “Comparison is, frankly, a very effective strategy of determining where you stand in a hierarchy of who you are better than and who is better than you. We recommend starting with a list of your 10 closest friends and ranking aspects of their professional, personal, and romantic lives on a scale of 1 through 10 compared to your own.” Hadley added that the report found that anyone who relies on their inner resources for a sense of worth and self-confidence is probably a total loser.
‘United 93’ Director Announces Remastered Edition Digitally Removing WTC From Film #~# LOS ANGELES—Explaining that he doesn’t want the presence of the buildings to distract from the film’s core message of hope and friendship, director Paul Greengrass announced Wednesday a remastered edition of United 93 that will have the World Trade Center digitally removed. “In order to avoid forcing people to relive the trauma of 9/11, we are working with a graphics team to remove the Twin Towers from all the background shots of United 93 for the upcoming remastered release,” said Greengrass, explaining that for many Americans the World Trade Center buildings were a distressing symbol of the tragic attacks of 9/11 and failing to digitally delete the structures from the Manhattan skyline would distract from the film’s human story of overcoming challenging obstacles. “I mean, sure, historically speaking, the towers should be there, but keeping them in would unintentionally make the terrorist hijackings of that day a focal point of the story, which is the last thing I want, as the film has nothing to do with them. In the new version, the skyline will be altered to not include the WTC and the planes will safely travel to their destinations without a hitch, which I hope will provide audiences with a much more comfortable viewing experience.” Greengrass told reporters that the measure came in the wake of similar decisions by the directors of Fahrenheit 9/11, World Trade Center, and 25th Hour.
Chance The Rapper Cancels 2020 Tour #~# Citing family responsibilities and scheduling conflicts, Chicago-based musician Chance the Rapper canceled his 2020 tour while announcing plans to spend time to develop new music. What do you think?
Area Man Has Little Present For You #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Appearing seemingly out of nowhere as he clutched the neatly wrapped box to his chest, area man Greg Fleming had a little present for you, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I got you a present,” said 36-year-old Fleming, who noted that it was completely fine if you didn’t have a present to give him in return since it’s just a little something he saw that reminded him of you, and it didn’t really cost much anyway. “It’s just a small gift, I promise. You just mentioned liking presents in the past, so, you know. Please, don’t feel like you need to run out and get something for me. Your happiness is the greatest gift I could receive. Anyway, I guess I’ll see you in the New Year.” At press time, Fleming added that you didn’t have to open it in front of him if you didn’t want to as he stood there motionless and smiling.
Congress Reaches $1.4 Trillion Spending Deal To Award Entire Budget To One Lucky American #~# WASHINGTON—Praising bipartisan efforts that prevented a government shutdown ahead of the holiday season, Congress reportedly reached a $1.4 trillion spending deal Tuesday to award the entire budget to one lucky American. “This is going to provide a completely new life for a single and very, very fortunate American,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, explaining that anyone who pays taxes is eligible to win except for employees and family members of those working for the federal government. “We were happy to see both sides step up and make concessions, including the size of the novelty check, who will pull the balls from the raffle drum, and the decision to eliminate the Social Security and Medicare programs. Winners can spend the money on whatever they like, and have the choice between receiving a lump sum or annuity payments of a billion dollars over the next thousand years or so. Second and third place winners will receive a 10-speed bike and $10 Amazon gift certificate respectively.” At press time, sources confirmed that this is only the third time the U.S. government has held such a lottery, which is credited to creating both the Carnegie and Rockefeller fortunes. 
Congress To Ban Sales Of Tobacco To Anyone Under Age Of 21 #~# In a major piece of health care reform, Congress looks poised to pass legislation that would ban sales of tobacco to anyone under the age of 21 to help combat the teenage vaping epidemic. What do you think?
Our Dumb Decade: Best Of 2010 #~# Poll: 1 In 5 Americans Believe Obama A Cactus
All Of Area Man’s Positive Qualities Stolen From Past Friends #~# DALLAS, CO—Revealing that not a single favorable attribute had emerged organically from his own personality, all of area man Spencer Lindell’s positive qualities were stolen from past friends, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I legitimately don’t think there’s a single good characteristic Spencer has that he didn’t pluck straight from one of his much more likable friends,” said longtime acquaintance Jeremy Lester, pointing out that Lindell had no interest in baking or running marathons until he noticed his popular junior year roommate partaking in such activities. “Everything from his haircut to his love of ’80s synth pop to his sense of humor to his charming mannerisms and taste in movies can be directly traced back to someone else he used to know. Honestly, I’m convinced he’s just a roaring void that’s plastered over with these affectations to give the illusion of personhood. He’s just an empty vessel for other people’s better, more interesting traits.” At press time, it was confirmed that all of Lindell’s negative qualities, however, were totally his own.
Luddite In 2070 Refuses To Merge Consciousness With Self-Driving Hyundai Elantra #~# ULTRA-TOPEKA, KS—Holding his hand over the USB port implanted below his left ear, local Luddite Thomas Berkshire reportedly refused to merge consciousness Tuesday with his new self-driving 2070 Hyundai Elantra. “Uh oh, big scary technology is gonna steal Thomas’s very essence if he plugs in his brain stem to the car’s artificial neural network,” said friend Danny Perez, explaining how annoying it is to listen to the self-described technophobe constantly rant about the dangers of handing over his human autonomy to unthinking, barely regulated AI systems. “Thomas needs to stop fighting progress and realize that mentally fusing with our vehicles actually makes work more efficient. The singularity has vastly improved the quality of all our lives because once you’re integrated with the computer, you don’t require food or need to experience emotions. He’s so self-righteous about how he’s gonna drive his Hyundai Elantra instead of letting it drive him, but honestly, it just makes him sound like an old-fashioned sourpuss.” At press time, the Luddite’s consciousness was placed inside the county jail website after he was arrested for smashing an Amazon delivery bot.
Writers Retreat Gives Aspiring Novelists Opportunity To Receive Critical Feedback From Other Nobodies #~# GLEN FALLS, NY—Revealing that her lousy peers’ advice had been invaluable, aspiring novelist Alicia Duncan confirmed Tuesday that the writer’s retreat she’s attending provides a great opportunity to receive critical feedback from other nobodies. “It’s been incredible to spend the week getting diverse perspectives on my memoir from a bunch of fresh MFA graduates and bored retirees, none of whom have ever been published,” said Duncan, adding that she enjoyed attending daily workshops about how to get a literary agent taught by a college professor whose only published book is about how to get a literary agent. “The $1,500 tuition is pretty steep, but it’s worth it for all the networking I’ve been able to do with people who have no industry connections and cannot help me. Every day we read our work aloud and take turns talking out our asses before sitting in on lectures from people who have barely sold 10,000 copies in their whole careers. They helped me figure out how to make my characters more two-dimensional and the best way to build out my story arc so it’s more convoluted.” Duncan added that she was eager to take all the inane, toothless critiques she’d received and turn them into something unreadable.
A Life Unfinished: Stephen Hawking’s Estate Just Revealed The Genius Astrophysicist Died With Only 91% Completion For ‘The Witcher 3’ #~# When Stephen Hawking passed away almost three years ago, he left behind a legacy of revolutionary thinking in astrophysics and a life story that would inspire pretty much anyone. But according to a recent statement from the Stephen Hawking Foundation, there’s one way the genius’s legacy was also sadly incomplete: He passed away with a mere 91% completion rating for CD Projekt Red’s The Witcher 3.
2020 Frontrunners Back Call To Ease Debate Rules #~# In an attempt to offer debate viewers a more robust field of options, eight Democratic candidates joined Senator Cory Booker in asking the Democratic National Committee to ease qualification requirements for upcoming presidential debates from which he and other candidates would be excluded. What do you think?
Clint Eastwood Propositions Film Critic To Obtain More Positive Review Of ‘Richard Jewell’ #~# ATLANTA—His hands shaking a bit as he slowly unbuttoned his shirt, director Clint Eastwood reportedly propositioned Susan Parker of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution Monday, offering to sleep with the critic in exchange for a more favorable review of his latest film, Richard Jewell. “Just sweeten it up a little, make it sound like a fun movie to watch, and you can take me right here,” the 89-year-old Oscar winner said to a panicked Parker before lifting up a pant leg and rolling down a dress sock to reveal his bare, varicose-veined calf to the reviewer. “It doesn’t even need to be a glowing review—just scrap all that stuff about how it treats the FBI and the media the same way the Trump administration does. What do you say? You do a little something for me, I’ll do a little something for you.” At press time, Parker was gently patting the back of Eastwood, who was doubled over in a prolonged coughing fit after a failed attempt to caress the critic’s crotch.
Dalai Lama Announces Before Reincarnating His Spirit Will Probably Fly To Moon And Hang Out For A Bit #~# MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Making the momentous announcement before gathered laity and priests from the Tibetan Buddhist community, Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama, revealed Monday that before reincarnating his spirit would fly to the moon so he can hang out there for a bit. “After my passing, I plan for my essence to shoot through space up to the moon, where I’ll just relax and spend a while exploring the lunar surface,” said His Holiness, noting that he had been so busy contemplating suffering and addressing the needs of the Tibetan people that he had forgotten to carve out time for himself, and that it would be nice to take a little breather by meditating in the Sea of Tranquility before diving back into things on Earth, refreshed and renewed. “I’ll return to you after a week or two up there, of course, but I’ve been reading a lot of books about the moon and this seems like a great opportunity to see it up close. I’m most excited to just jump really high in the air, leaping from crater to crater. Who knows? Perhaps I’ll get that old lunar roving vehicle running again and cruise around.” At press time, the Dalai Lama added that, depending on how things went, his spirit may also spend a few days at the bottom of the ocean searching for “those weird-ass-looking fish.”
‘And Then Those 12 People Send It To 12 People—That’s 144 People!” Says Cory Booker Describing Campaign Newsletter Strategy To Rosario Dawson #~# NEWARK—Referring to the “surefire” system as a sort of pyramid of communication, Democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker excitedly walked long-term girlfriend and actress Rosario Dawson through his new network-based strategy to distribute campaign newsletters, sources confirmed Monday. “And then when those people share it, the 144 turns into over 20,000 people reading, and by the end of the month? That’s the whole country!” said a wild-eyed, energized Booker as he paced in front of Dawson, who told the New Jersey senator through a tight smile that it sounded like a great idea. “Ever since we had to cut staff in New Hampshire, my brain’s just been working overtime. I can’t believe how easy it is! The trick is to get a teacher or something to email it to parents of the kids, then you’re really cooking. It’d be great if a certain actress, who must know 12 people, could endorse me.” At press time, Booker was seen trying to convince Dawson to let him use her garage for an envelope-stuffing party later that week. 
Harvey Weinstein Laments Being Treated Like He Didn’t Put Whole #MeToo Movement On The Map #~# NEW YORK—Appearing distraught over what he described as a lack of appreciation for his many contributions, disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein lamented to reporters Monday that no one seemed to respect everything he did to put the whole #MeToo movement on the map. “Think about it—they’d be absolutely nowhere if it weren’t for me,” said the former studio executive and alleged rapist, adding that everyone liked to forget he also inspired Time’s Up and played a role in workplaces all over the country adopting new measures to help ensure women are treated with respect. “If it weren’t for all the effort I put in over the many decades of my career, our culture might not even be having this long-overdue conversation right now. But have I gotten a single thank-you? Nope. It’s not fair! Seriously, who else has come even close to having the level of influence I’ve had on #MeToo?” Weinstein went on to tell reporters that they’d better not mention Les Moonves, whom he described as a “hack” who lacked the simple foresight required to cover his tracks by hiring elite, highly trained ex-spies to intimidate his victims.
U.N. Climate Talks End In Whimper #~# United Nations climate talks ended early Sunday in Madrid with modest agreement that fell far short of the commitments and enforcement mechanisms needed to forestall the worst effects of climate change, raising the stakes for next year’s crucial conference in Glasgow. What do you think?
God To Leave Humanity In Hands Of Babysitter Kayla While He Checks Out New Restaurant #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying that He would only be gone for an hour or two, the Divine Creator of the Universe, God, announced Monday that he was leaving humanity in the hands of babysitter Kayla Beckler while he checks out a new restaurant. “Kayla has my number in case anything happens, but I’m sure she’ll take good care of you while I’m out,” said He Who Commanded the Light to Shine From The Darkness, stressing that the 17-year-old high school junior knew where to find snacks if humanity got hungry and would tuck them in at bedtime should He decide to stay out longer than expected for a nightcap. “It’s so rare that I get to take a little break for myself, and I keep hearing great things about this little Peruvian place. All I’m asking is that you be good for Kayla. Don’t start any fires or kill anyone while I’m gone, and if you get lonely, just know that I’ll be back before you know it. Alright? Now give us kisses.” The Lord also expressed hope that Kayla would help him avoid a repeat of last time, when he left humanity with St. Peter while he attended a performance of Oklahoma! and returned to find the Bosnian Genocide in full swing.
Everything You Need To Know About ‘Resident Evil 3’ #~# After two absolutely stellar remakes of the Resident Evil franchise, Capcom just announced they plan to gratify the series fans with an updated, remastered edition of Resident Evil 3. Here’s everything you need to know about the upcoming survival horror release.
Drew Brees Hoping Family Doesn’t Just Get Him Football For Christmas Again #~# NEW ORLEANS—Worried that he would be forced to feign a smile and halfheartedly thank everyone, Saints quarterback Drew Brees told reporters Monday night he hopes his family doesn’t just get him a football for Christmas again. “I appreciate the thought, but nobody seems to realize that I have other interests beyond this one thing,” said the former NFL MVP, noting that his basement was already full of boxes and bags of unused footballs that people have given him but he can’t bring himself to throw away. “I don’t want to insult my wife or kids, but they need to realize this is just my job. I mean, I like football, but I’m so much more than that, and I wish they would take the time to dig a little deeper and get me some hunting gear or books about the Civil War. I’m sure I’ll still just have to grit my teeth as I’m unwrapping another goddamn football again.” At press time, an excited Brees was studying a tall, wrapped rectangular box in his living room containing a display case for all his footballs.
Pathetic Man Cries When He’s Upset Rather Than Screaming At 3-Year-Old Son To Shut The Fuck Up #~# BILOXI, AL—Stressing that he was both a pitiful excuse for masculinity and an utterly spineless little worm, reports confirmed Monday that Kevin Chinowski was a pathetic man who cries when upset rather than simply screaming at his 3-year-old son to shut the fuck up. “Jesus, what kind of shriveled husk of manhood lets himself tear up when he’s sad instead of yelling at his kid to knock it the hell off?” said sources close to Chinowski, adding that, when overwhelmed, the timid weakling was more likely to retreat to his bedroom and muffle his sobs in a pillow than lash out at his wife and son before smashing his plate into the trash in an impressive display of dominance. “It’s the sort of parenting that will just make his son grow up into another castrated wuss like him. Pretty soon, this kid is going to honestly believe that screaming obscenities at the top of your lungs and punching the wall until your knuckles are bloody isn’t the best way to deal with your anger. It’s a vicious goddamn cycle.” At press time, the effete male was spotted backing down to another father’s request that they let the children have a playdate at his house rather than beating the fellow parent to a pulp on the sidewalk to regain his status as an alpha male.
The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 16, 2019 #~# Town Hag Getting In Pretty Good Day Of Shaking Jangly Bell-Covered Stick While Pointing And Screaming ‘You Will Die!’
Senate Recognizes Armenian Genocide #~# In a move likely to infuriate the Turkish government, the Senate passed a bipartisan resolution led by Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Bob Menendez (D-NJ) recognizing the Armenian Genocide that began more than a century ago, with Cruz stating that the resolution was “an achievement for truth, an achievement for speaking the truth to darkness, for speaking the truth to evil.” What do you think?
Cubs Sign Sammy Sosa To $300 Million Deal Just To Give Casual Fans Point Of Reference #~# CHICAGO—Extending an olive branch to fans who stopped following the game in the 1990s, the Chicago Cubs reportedly signed right fielder Sammy Sosa to a 12-year, $300 million contract Friday. “We’re excited to give casual fans a recognizable name that they can cling to,” said general manager Jed Hoyer in reference to the 51-year-old, clarifying that they hoped to extend his contract well into the 2050s “if things go according to plan,” and adding that the slugger was in far better shape than fellow outfielder Kyle Schwarber. “We recognize that our current core of Anthony Rizzo, Jon Lester, and Javier Baez just doesn’t move the needle for most fans, so we wanted to make a big splash this offseason. We considered signing Mark McGuire and Randy Johnson, but Sammy’s brand recognition really won out for us. Plus, he’s already played for the Cubs.” At press time, Hoyer revealed the team was cutting costs by parting ways with Wrigley Field.
Report: People Talk, You Know? #~# BOSTON—Speaking in hushed tones lest their word be overheard by the wrong person, sources confirmed Friday that people talk, you know, and that word gets around much quicker than you might imagine. “You’re smart enough to know this, but you should be very, very careful who you’re spilling your secrets to,” said sources, holding a finger up to their lips and emphasizing that gossip spreads like goddamn wildfire around here. “Don’t be an idiot, alright, buddy? You know these walls have ears. We know these walls have ears. So watch yourself, because you never know when the wrong person might be listening in, and then there could be consequences. Real fucking consequences.” At press time, the sources had fallen into dead silence after hearing footsteps nearby and noting that they had probably already said far too much.
Boris Johnson Prevails In Landslide U.K. Victory #~# With the nation’s approach to Brexit on the ballot, voters turned out for the 2019 U.K. general election to power Prime Minister Boris Johnson to a historic victory over Jeremy Corbyn, dealing the Labour Party one of its largest blows since the era of Margaret Thatcher and all but guaranteeing an exit from the European Union. What do you think?
Woman Not As Fun-Loving And Carefree As Pom-Pom On Winter Hat Would Suggest #~# CLEVELAND—In a stunning revelation that upended all expectations about her disposition, sources confirmed Friday that 34-year-old Katie Lorenz was not nearly as jovial or lighthearted as the pom-pom on her winter hat would appear to suggest. “When I first saw that fuzzy round tuft sprouting from her hat, I got really excited because I assumed she was a free spirit like me—but it seems this particular dash of whimsy belies a deep seriousness in her nature,” said local man Ryan Sykes, who described how the initial enthusiasm he felt as he rushed over to say hello was quickly undercut by the woman’s sudden confusion and blank stare. “I smiled, pointing to her fun hat and then to my fun, bright-colored socks, but her only response was to say, ‘Do I know you?’ I have to be honest, if she’s not the spontaneous and quirky kind of woman the pom-pom would make you think she is, then wearing that hat is awfully misleading on her part.” At press time, Sykes had reportedly perked up again after noticing the sequins on Lorenz’s mittens.
Patriots Claim Unsanctioned Recording Was Only For Project Julian Edelman Working On For Filmmaking Class #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Defending the video as absolutely necessary for the wide receiver to secure at least a ‘B’ from Massasoit Community College, Patriots officials claimed Friday that their unsanctioned recording of the Bengals sideline last week was only for a project Julian Edelman was working on for a film class. “Julian has just gotten really into cinema the last few years, and he’s trying to branch out from football with some experimental films,” said owner Robert Kraft, who dismissed accusations that the Patriots were trying to steal signals for their upcoming game by explaining that Edelman wanted the cameras hidden in the stands to mimic the zoomed-out, wide-angle shots used by some of his biggest directorial influences. “It’s been so great to see Julian come alive while taking this class, and it upsets me seeing the media and other NFL teams using this as a flimsy pretense to accuse us of cheating. We’re just trying to enrich the lives of our players by letting them grow as people off the field, and Julian thought covertly filming the Cincinnati sidelines was a great idea for a short film. His professor apparently thinks he has real talent and told him he should submit his stuff to some local film festivals.” At press time, the NFL had dismissed all charges against the Patriots after Kraft donated $10 million towards the creation of an NFL film scholarship program for the league’s players.
Hungover Coworker A Little Too Functional Morning After Holiday Party Not To Be Alcoholic #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Prancing into the office like he didn’t just drink eight beers and something called the “Santa’s special” the very night before, sources confirmed Friday that their hungover coworker Justin Davis was a little too functional the morning after their company’s holiday party not to be an alcoholic. “Just eight hours ago, I saw Justin slam a couple shots of tequila, and now, he’s showing up to work almost an hour early with donuts for everyone,” said officemate Alyssa Woolas, adding that Justin, who had visibly bloodshot eyes, a low, raspy voice, and no memory of how he got home last night, was somehow just as productive now as he was on a normal workday. “Look. I love Justin, and I had a really fun time drinking with him, but I woke up with a pounding headache, still wearing my clothes from the night before. For him to go to bed at 3 a.m., wake up at 7 a.m., and then take the stairs up to our sixth-floor office must mean this is a little too much of a regular thing.” At press time, office sources told reporters that after nearly 12 straight hours of partying, the reason Justin was so chipper was because he was still drunk.
Tokyo Drivers Gridlocked As 12-Legged Catbus Overturns On Highway #~# TOKYO—Finding themselves caught in a grisly tangle of wrecked vehicles and reeking with the unmistakable odor of burning fur, Tokyo commuters were stuck in traffic for as long as three hours Friday when a 12-legged catbus overturned at high speed on the KK Expressway, a main route into the city’s busy downtown districts. “It feels like this kind of horror happens every week now—just once I’d like to get on the turnpike without seeing a dozen mutilated paws flailing helplessly at the air,” said traffic safety officer Yuki Nakamura, 34, who said the incident occurred when a tabby bus conveying two little girls, the feline driver/bus entity itself, and several unnamed spirits attempted to circumvent traffic by bouncing off nearby power lines like a trampoline, misjudged its leap badly, and tumbled onto the roadway below at high speeds. “Thankfully, no one but the catbus was hurt, but someone has to replace those unsafe hunks of junk. Some of them have been in nonstop rotation since the late 1980s; there are few crumple zones or crash restraints inside even the most whimsical magical cat; and the aggressive behavior of cat buses in traffic is usually overlooked due to the perceived importance of, say, getting children to their dying mother’s bedside or what have you. The city should really adopt the junior witch rideshare program they use in Kyoto. Commuters would gladly pay more to take a daily magical journey through the sky if it meant I could get to work on time for once.” Tokyo officials are advising commuters to take the train out of the city in the evening instead and have assured hesitant riders that all rail lines have been fully fumigated after last year’s infestation of No-Faces.
Israel Heads To Third Election #~# After both Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and challenger Benny Gantz failed to form an Israeli government, the deeply polarized country will return to the polls for a record third time in less than a year. What do you think?
‘Well Spoken, My Good Fellow, But Let Me Retort,’ Says Congressman Engaged In Probing, High-Minded Debate On Facts And Merits Of Impeachment #~# WASHINGTON—Praising the eloquence and noble character of his Democratic colleague before humbly offering a rebuttal, Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) engaged in thoughtful and enlightened debate Thursday over the merits of proposed impeachment articles brought against the president of the United States. “Allow me first to congratulate you upon your exceptional oratory and remark upon what a great honor it is to deliberate this matter with a man of such high integrity,” said Jordan, who addressed House Judiciary Committee chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) in measured and courtesy tones, commending civil discourse as the bedrock of a democratic society. “Although you have made some very cogent and incisive rhetorical points this morning, I must, unfortunately, submit a rejoinder in which I shall seek to elucidate what I believe to be a fallacy in your position. Despite our arrival at this occasion of discord, please know I consider you a true compatriot: a fellow truth-seeker with no interest beyond securing what is best for our great republic.” At press time, witnesses confirmed Jordan had nearly beaten Nadler to death with a cane after being set off by a remark impugning the honor of the president.
Gordon Hayward Confident He Still Has His Most Gruesome Injuries Ahead Of Him #~# BOSTON—Emphasizing that despite recent setbacks, he had another level of trauma to reach in his career, Gordon Hayward told reporters Thursday that he’s confident he still has his most gruesome injuries ahead of him. “I shattered my leg and broke my hand, but there’s still so many more gut-wrenching tears and fractures I can bring to the Celtics,” said Hayward, explaining that he was going to push even harder in the future to destroy the plates and screws strengthening his surgically repaired leg. “I’m still young and I have my best ACL tears ahead of me. Some people might think I peaked in 2017, but I’ve got so much more potential. The game has changed—you have guys like Kevin [Durant] rupturing his Achilles well into his 30s. I could have 10 more years of missed seasons ahead of me. Hopefully, I’ll be able to close things out with one of grisliest career-ending injuries of all time.” At press time, Hayward expressed his goal to get carted out of this year’s All Star game.
Las Vegas Residents Worried That Proposed Construction Of New Casino In Town Will Bring In Riff-Raff #~# LAS VEGAS—Explaining that they would rather not have their quaint, wholesome community corrupted by the wrong elements, residents of Las Vegas told reporters Thursday that they were worried the proposed construction of a new casino in town would bring in riff-raff. “I love being able to walk down the strip and feel comfortable and safe, and I’m concerned that if this new resort and casino opens, it will attract all kinds of rabble,” said longtime Las Vegas inhabitant Gary Calvin of his concerns about the morals of his small town potentially loosening, explaining that he doesn’t want his three chidren exposed to rambunctious tourists or drunks wandering around the streets. “I know it will bring in revenue to the city, but we’ve worked hard to create a family values-driven culture here, and this will put that in jeopardy. I didn’t move to Vegas for all the glitz and glamor, I mean, I got out of Atlantic City for a reason.” Calvin expressed concern that building a casino would lead to more opening, adding that “before you know it, the whole town will be full of them.”
Poll: Trump Leads Top 2020 Democrats In Iowa #~# A new Emerson poll found President Trump besting all Democratic challengers in a head-to-head matchup, with Mayor Pete Buttigieg faring best as he trailed by 1%, ahead of former Vice President Joe Biden. What do you think?
Fox News Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt Orchestrated By Democrats To Unseat President #~# NEW YORK—Calling the running and nomination of a candidate a blatant abuse of power from the left, Fox News personality Tucker Carlson condemned the 2020 election Thursday as a partisan witch hunt orchestrated by Democrats to unseat President Trump. “This is nothing more than a Soviet-style democratic election,” said Carlson, adding that the timing of the election was especially suspicious, coming after Trump has already been in office for three years. “The millions of dollars spent on campaign ads and televised debates clearly point to some larger conspiracy being pushed by the left; it’s a total coup! This poorly executed attempt to downplay the president’s overwhelming electoral victory in 2016 with some sort of flimsy pretext to democracy is inexcusable and the exact type of threat our founding fathers warned us about. Frankly, it’s unconstitutional and shameful to see Democrats stoop to such low levels.” At press time, Democratic candidates had announced the suspension of their campaigns saying this kind of divisiveness was not what America needs right now. 
Hiker Trapped For Days Under Fallen Boulder Survives By Cutting Off Own Ponytail #~# ZION NATIONAL PARK, UT—In a harrowing tale of survival in the American southwest, hiker Bethany Gaines told reporters Thursday how she cut off her own ponytail after being trapped for days beneath a fallen boulder. “I was making my way through the slot canyons when a huge rock pinned me by the hair and I knew I was in big trouble,” said Gaines, who went without food or water for nearly four days waiting to be rescued before ultimately deciding to hack off her locks with a small Swiss army knife. “At first I couldn’t even think about it because the concept was so grotesque, but as the days wore on, it became clear that I was going to have to chop off my ponytail if I was going to get out alive. When it came time to actually do it, I just shut my eyes, pressed the blade up to my scrunchie and started frantically hacking away until I was free. I was in shock when the rescue team found me, but they airlifted me to a stylist and I don’t remember much after that. I’m just so happy to survive, but I was heartbroken when they told me they couldn’t reattach the ponytail.” Gaines told reporters she intends to become an advocate for people living with short hair following tragedies.
Man Relaxing His Overwhelming Anxiety For Just A Moment Finally Gives Pack Of Coyotes The Opening They Need #~# KANSAS CITY—Stopping to take stock of himself and actually enjoy the fresh air, area man Michael Perez relaxed his overwhelming sense of anxiety for just a moment Thursday, giving a pack of coyotes the opening they had long been waiting for. According to sources, Perez had gone on the hike to blow off steam and finally found the willpower to let go of his punishing angst for a peaceful moment, a change in demeanor which was immediately sensed by a pack of vicious, hungry coyotes that decided now was the time to strike. Witnesses confirmed that Perez smiled and took a deep breath while un-tensing his muscles, losing the split second of awareness that would have allowed him to evade the approaching coyotes that had been following him around every day in the hopes he would let his guard down in just such a way. At press time, Perez was more relaxed than he had been in years after the coyotes finished devouring his stomach and intestines.
10 Best Places To Raise A Family #~# Known for its safety, great schools, and affordable housing, Raleigh is the perfect place for your children to still gradually grow to resent you for reasons entirely beyond your control. Enjoy the mild climate as your kids direct their bitterness toward you in the city’s revitalized downtown or on its quiet, tree-lined residential streets. Just give in—there’s no stopping their ire here or anywhere else.
New ‘Sesame Street’ Character Shudders To Life As Producers Complete Ritual To Imprison Damned Soul Within Puppet #~# NEW YORK—Laughing demonically as the small, orange puppet’s body began to gyrate uncontrollably, producers from the television show Sesame Street completed a ritual Thursday to imprison a damned soul in the body of their newest character, a puppet named Maple. “Autom nyyageth rah-uh, ny-a-ar jaruh su-uh, cht-eh-eff nyagah,” chanted a cloaked executive producer, who, after slitting her own hand with a sacred knife and pouring the blood along a flaming pentagram, demanded that Satan fill the googly eyed female puppet with the soul of a deceased serial killer who was recently executed. “Hark, young fuzzy one! Come forth and be born of tears and bile. While your creator’s script may dictate you sing songs about the importance of studying hard and being kind to your teacher, know that Satan has sewn your flesh from the Devil’s cloth. Now, rise, do the bidding of your dark lord, and dance upon the grave of your victims. Remember—H is for homework, but it’s also for homicide!” At press time, viewers had reportedly responded positively to Maple, saying they loved the Sesame Street segment where she ripped the head off of a live goat and ate it.
NYC Buildings To Require Bird-Friendly Glass #~# In an effort to cut down on the tens of thousands of birds who fly into the city’s buildings every year, New York City lawmakers plan to adopt legislation requiring “bird-friendly” glass on all new construction. What do you think?
Sad: The Elderly Dutch Man Who Inspired The ‘X’ Button On The PlayStation Controller Has Passed Away #~# Gamers, it’s time to pay our respects. 
Nation Finally Stands Far Enough Away From Jackson Pollock Painting To Realize It Realistic Still Life Of Fruit #~# NEW YORK—Straining their eyes from the opposite wall of the gallery, the nation finally stood far enough away from one of Jackson Pollock’s artworks to realize it is actually a realistic still life painting of fruit, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We thought it was just a bunch of different colors splattered across the canvas, but when you stand way back here you can see a photorealistic orange, pear and mango,” said the U.S. populace, marveling at Pollock’s masterful use of light on the gleaming pitcher sitting atop a tablecloth. “We were standing way too close before, but once we stepped back about 500 feet, it became obvious this was a classic still life painting. When other people would talk about how great Jackson Pollock is, we just nodded in agreement even though we didn’t really get it, but now we can see that he was really talented. It makes a lot more sense why we had to learn about him in school and why his paintings are on display in all those big important museums.” At press time, the nation was struggling to comprehend the newest piece of blurry nonsense Chuck Close had just debuted.
Merriam-Webster Names ‘They’ Word Of The Year #~# In a nod to the rise of the gender-neutral pronoun’s use in American culture, Merriam-Webster announced “they” as their 2019 word of the year. What do you think?
Company’s Holiday Party Moves Up Timeline For Bankruptcy By 4 Months #~# SEATTLE—With the celebration rapidly burning through the diminishing supply of cash that has kept the local business solvent, sources confirmed Wednesday the holiday party of Simmons Analytics has moved up the company’s bankruptcy timeline by more than four months. “You’ve worked hard all year, so we decided to really pull out the stops this time for our holiday party!” said CEO Josh Kilgore, welcoming employees of the company that has netted losses for 16 consecutive quarters to the party, which was held in a ballroom at the Hilton Seattle, featured a live band, included a lavish spread of haute cuisine, and consumed nearly a quarter of annual operating costs. “Be sure to take advantage of the open bar. Everything’s on us tonight, so [before you’re all unemployed, uninsured, and unable to pay your bills] let’s have some fun. Cheers, everybody!” At press time, Kilgore had informed attendees they were welcome to take home any remaining trays of food, which will reportedly be the closest the workers ever get to claiming their severance packages.
Democrats Unveil Articles Of Impeachment #~# House Democrats revealed two articles of impeachment against President Trump, alleging that he abused the power of his office and obstructed Congress in its investigation of his attempts to pressure Ukraine into investigating his political rivals. What do you think?
Critics In 2030s Ask Why Teen Climate Activist Isn’t In Abandoned School Bailing Water And Shooting Enemy Foragers #~# NEW RICHMOND, EV—In response to the attention she was receiving for her vocal objections to international leaders’ refusal to address global warming, critics in the 2030s asked why teen climate activist Elisa Garcia-Reilly wasn’t in an abandoned school bailing water and shooting enemy foragers. “Instead of constantly screeching about how all our policies are selling out her generation and dooming them to unavoidable suffering, maybe this little hussy ought to spend more time in the remains of what was once a high school choosing which infants to save and defending her family’s food cache from scavengers,” said television pundit Caden Williams of the 16-year-old climate activist, voicing the sentiments of critics who declared that she had no clue what she was talking about and was trying to catastrophize being constantly starving and up to her waist in water. “All these teenagers getting riled up about climate change need to settle down and stay home to help the rest of their wandering band butcher enough giant cockroach meat to feed everyone. We are absolutely sick and tired of this entitled girl constantly lecturing us about how it’s our fault that 80% of animal species are dead and the oceans are scalding to the touch, and that if we don’t act now we’ll doom her generation to eating each other just to stay alive. Elisa belongs in the bombed-out remains of the last defensible facility in her community, searching for some sort of textbook that she can throw at intruders.” Critics of the teenage climate activist added that they weren’t surprised in the least when she rejected an invitation to be honored at the Time 100 2034 gala since she was clearly a huge bitch. 
Pros And Cons Of Social Media Banning Political Ads #~# Twitter recently announced a ban on political advertising, adding fuel to the debate of whether social media should allow campaign ads and how claims made in those ads might be regulated. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of social media banning political ads.
God Recounts Torrid Affair With Michelangelo That Began When Posing For Sistine Chapel Fresco #~# THE HEAVENS—Calling the years of the whirlwind romance amongst the greatest of His life, Supreme Being and Creator of All Things God recounted Wednesday the torrid affair with 16th-century Italian artist Michelangelo that began when He posed for the Sistine Chapel fresco The Creation Of Adam. “At first, we agreed to keep My modeling strictly professional, but a friendship slowly blossomed, and as he began to study My contours, it grew into something far more sensual,” said the Lord Almighty, who recalled tender evenings in the summer of 1508 spent bonding over glasses of wine, a practice that eventually led to the omnipotent deity agreeing to let the Renaissance master sketch Him nude. “Of course, it was once I disrobed that sparks really started to fly, but it was never just a physical thing between us. We really clicked on an emotional level, too. Some might think it’s demeaning to serve as another’s muse, but for Me there’s something incredibly romantic about the relationship. When I look at the final product, every stroke of the painting, every tiny detail, evokes the flame that burned in his heart for Me. I mean, those two fingers you see touching in the painting? That was our thing in bed.” God went on to note that all of this made it especially hard to have to kill Michelangelo a mere half century later.
Town Hag Getting In Pretty Good Day Of Shaking Jangly Bell-Covered Stick While Pointing And Screaming ‘You Will Die!’ #~# ANSBACH, MITTELFRANKEN—Expressing pride at all she had accomplished before even glimpsing the noonday sun, 127-year-old town hag Maelga Vitterbach admitted Wednesday that she was getting in a pretty good day of shaking a jangly bell-covered stick while pointing and screaming “You will die.” “Some days, it can be hard to even start jangling this knobby stick at villagers in the market square while screeching about their impending doom, but I think things are going really well so far,” said the carbuncle-covered shrew, adding that it wasn’t every day that she had the opportunity to both shriek at a comely lass that she was a cursed whore and pop up from behind a barrel to hurl a cat at a passing child. “Clearly, I started off strong when I pointed my crooked index finger at that strapping farmer and hissed that three sisters would visit his family tonight to take away the one he loved most. But to also be getting all this bell jangling in? This is fantastic.” Vitterbach added that the only way the day could get any better would be if she spent the night bedding a blacksmith while disguised as a young maiden, only to reveal her wizened, disfigured form just as he achieved climax to drag him down into hell for all eternity.
Gamers Behold: The One The Texts Predicted, Who Will Unite The Gamer Tribes And Crush Our Enemies Underfoot, Has Been Born #~# Behold, gamers, for we have some glorious news for you! Cast your eyes upon the resplendent image of your new Lord and rejoice, for the One that the sacred texts predicted—the One who will bring together all of the warring gamer tribes and lead us to victory—has been born.
American Public Misled For Years About War In Afghanistan #~# A new trove of documents and interviews with Bush and Obama officials found the American people were systematically misled about the war in Afghanistan, with generals and top diplomats describing a chaotic effort without a clear strategy that was knowingly spun to the public to provide a rosier outlook. What do you think?
IG Report Finds Errors But No Anti-Trump Plot In Russia Investigation #~# The Justice Department’s inspector issued a report finding no evidence that bias affected how the FBI investigated Russian interference into the 2016 election, although it pointedly criticized the agency’s handling of a wiretap application. What do you think?
8 Most Popular College Majors #~# A great starter major. The study of the human mind and mental processes is perfect for students to be peripherally interested in while acclimating to college life. Psych majors enjoy partially reading their assigned texts on Freud and consciousness before switching to a discipline that occupies their full attention and that they actually want to concentrate on.
National Association Of Corpses Express Outrage At Still-Living Actors Getting Cadaver Roles On ‘CSI,’ ‘Law & Order’ #~# NEW YORK—Calling the hiring practice “inexcusable” during a presentation at the organization’s annual retreat, the National Association of Corpses—a non-profit aimed at the promotion of cadavers and cadaver-related causes—expressed their outrage Tuesday at still-living actors being cast in the roles of dead bodies on series such as CSI and Law & Order. “Nearly every day, we see deceased Americans losing out on parts in police procedurals to living, breathing actors who have no firsthand experience with what it’s like to lie immobile on a cold slab while a mortician embalms your abdominal cavity,” said NAC President Vincent Harrison, one of dozens of the organization’s visibly rotting leaders who lay immobile behind a podium or sprawled out on the stage with protest signs reading “Unliving Doesn’t Mean Unimportant” and “Represent Lifeless Bodies On Screen.” “Time and again, I’ve seen our members get passed over for acting gigs set in autopsy rooms and crime scenes just because they supposedly lack a Hollywood actor’s ability to speak or experience the world around them in any way. These living actors require hours of pallor makeup just to look like us. Frankly, it’s unfair, it’s an outrage, and it needs to end.” Harrison also stressed that he was fighting to ensure the struggles he faced as a insentient corpse would never be problems for his dead children.
Russian Olympic Program Denies Steroids Played Role In 8-Year-Old Gymnast Hurling Balance Beam Through Wall To Escape #~# MOSCOW—Issuing an adamant rejection of any wrongdoing in the wake of a four-year ban from global sports, top Russian sporting officials denied Monday that steroids had enabled 8-year-gymnast Svetlana Larionova to hurl a balance beam through a concrete wall and escape a state-run athletics facility. “Anna just happens to be a particularly gifted young athlete—performance-enhancing supplements played no part in her snapping the necks of three guards and then aerial-cartwheeling over a 15-foot barbed-wire fence,” said national gymnastics team spokesperson Dasha Zechory, explaining that the steel-reinforced wall Larionova shattered to pieces was “probably laid on a shoddy foundation,” and that a lot of kids her age could lift a 600-pound balance beam if they felt a rush of adrenaline. “While her whereabouts are presently unknown, we trust she will resume her training as soon as she realizes the horrible mistake she has made in turning her back on Russian gymnastics. We urge anyone who encounters Anna to exercise extreme caution, stay very far out of her way, and contact authorities immediately.” At press time, Larionova’s trainer had issued a heartfelt plea for the girl to return and forgiven her for punching a hole through the middle of his chest.
Apologetic Justin Timberlake Presents Jessica Biel With Severed Hand Of Alisha Wainwright To Prove Loyalty #~# LOS ANGELES—Apologizing emphatically for any harm he might have caused through his past indiscretions, pop superstar Justin Timberlake reportedly presented Jessica Biel with the severed hand of Alisha Wainwright Monday to prove his undying loyalty. “Jessica, I bring you this hand as a humble offering to show you that no other woman could mean anything to me—you are all that matters,” said Timberlake, thrusting the blood-crusted hand of the Palmer co-star out toward his wife while repeatedly asking if this small token could possibly make things right between them. “Let this be a reminder to you that I am faithful, that I am resolute, and that you should never again doubt the contents of my heart. I love you, baby. There’s no other hand that I’d ever want to hold.” At press time, Timberlake had again come under media scrutiny after being spotted on set giving a massage to Wainwright’s cleaved-off foot.
Massive Pro-Democracy Protest Rocks Hong Kong #~# In the immediate display of pro-democracy sentiment, hundreds of thousands of pro-democracy protesters have taken to the streets in Hong Kong after recent electoral victories to demand greater civil right protections for citizens. What do you think?
Trump Offers Hunter Biden Job In Energy Department Based On Oil Industry Experience #~# WASHINGTON—Touting his impressive record of serving on the board of a notable natural gas company, President Donald Trump offered Hunter Biden a job in the U.S. Department of Energy Monday based on his experience in the oil industry. “Given his unparalleled background in this sector, I am pleased to have Hunter Biden joining the Energy Department as the new Deputy Secretary for the Office of International Affairs,” said Trump, explaining that Biden’s long list of contacts with major Eastern European petroleum firms would be indispensable in promoting the administration’s interests as they pursue energy contracts abroad. “Hunter grew up in politics, so he’s primed for the job, and he came very highly recommended by several big-time energy executives. He’s a really great guy who knows how to get things done in this business. Hunter will start tomorrow, getting right to work securing the best deals possible for the American people.” At press time, Trump nominated Hunter Biden to replace a retiring Rick Perry as energy secretary at the end of the year.
So-Called Ronald Reagan Presidential Library Looks Nothing Like Him #~# SIMI VALLEY, CA—Declaring the whole visit “sort of a letdown,” Valley View Middle School student Lucas Hursch, 13, was disappointed to find Monday that the so-called Ronald Reagan Presidential Library bears no resemblance to the man who was the leader of the free world from 1980 to 1988. “You could maybe argue it has a passing resemblance from some angles, but seriously, that would be quite a stretch,” said the eighth-grader, adding that unless the 40th president had a tiny, marble version of himself inside his own body which he charged a $20 entrance fee to see, the building bearing his name shares no physical characteristics to the actor-turned-politician. “I assumed we’d get there, enter a giant glass and steel model of Reagan’s head, perhaps using The Great Communicator’s tongue as a walkway, and have the chance to explore his guts and stuff. But this place has none of that— just a boring building with completely normal doors and windows. I was taught a library is where knowledge is kept, so that kind of should be up in his brain, I guess? Also, you’d think they have it dressed up in a nice suit or something, but the outside is just bricks. If they were going for realism, they did not do a great job.” Hursch noted that the architects and building contractors had no excuse for their shoddy work, as there are thousands of photographs available to aid them in constructing a more realistic replica of the president. 
Best PS4 Games Out Right Now #~# Since its launch back in 2013, the PS4 has gone on to host a veritable treasure trove of classic titles, positioning itself as the reigning champ for hardcore and casual gamers alike. But where should a new owner start? After much debate, here is OGN’s definitive list of the best games out now for the PS4.
Learned Coworker Always Has Heard Good Things About Whatever Piece Of Media Being Discussed #~# DALLAS—Awestruck by a knowledge base spanning everything from 1960s art house films to the most recent episode of Veronica Mars, employees at SunTech Systems confirmed Monday that coworker Mason George, 31, possesses the preternatural ability to have heard good things about whatever pop culture phenomenon is being discussed at any given time. “Whether it’s a podcast he read something about or a movie a friend of his saw, Mason is always aware that it’s generally well-received,” said colleague Becca Thompson, recalling the dozen or so times George authoritatively delivered secondhand knowledge of superficial approval for some form of media, confirming to all who would listen that the movie, series, album, or artist in question had a lot of great buzz and was something he wished to check out sometime soon. “Even if we’re standing several dozen yards away from him and discussing a season of a TV show or a song, he unfailingly picks up on it and shares his experience of having read a capsule review of the thing we’re chatting about from all the way across the office. We were talking about Ocean’s 8 just last week and out of nowhere we heard him say he had seen a few clips of it online and thought it looked cool. It’s uncanny how anything and everything we’ve ever discussed is something he’s been meaning to watch. I can’t imagine where he finds the time.” George later became conspicuously absent from a lunchtime gathering in the SunTech break room when a discussion of the movie Last Christmas unexpectedly turned towards politics.
House Passes Bill To Limit Robocalls #~# In a near-unanimous display of bipartisanship, the House of Representatives voted 417-3 to pass a bill cracking down on robocalls by requiring phone providers to give the option to block such callers at no additional cost. What do you think?
Pete Buttigieg Blames Inability To Disclose Political Stances On NDA With Buttigieg Campaign #~# CONCORD, NH—Declaring that he simply has no choice in the matter, White House hopeful Pete Buttigieg told reporters Friday that some political positions he holds cannot be disclosed because of a nondisclosure agreement he signed with the Pete Buttigieg presidential campaign. “I would love to answer your questions, but back in early 2019, I signed a strict, binding contract with the Pete for America organization in which I agreed not to discuss such matters,” Buttigieg said during a candidate forum, explaining that while he would love to offer more detailed and convincing proposals on issues such as healthcare, foreign policy, and immigration, he is legally prohibited from doing so. “There’s nothing I’d enjoy more than elaborating on my tax plan, for example, but I can’t talk about any views I may have held during the period of my candidacy. These are highly confidential policy initiatives. Unless the Buttigieg campaign agrees to release me from the NDA, I’m afraid there’s simply nothing I can do.” At press time, the Buttigieg campaign was reportedly scrambling to perform damage control after details of Buttigieg’s political stances had been leaked to the public.
Nearly 700,000 To Lose Food Stamps With USDA Work Requirement #~# The Trump administration announced plans to formalize work requirements for recipients of food stamps, a move that will cause hundreds of thousands of people to lose access to SNAP assistance by preventing states from exempting themselves from such demands. What do you think?
World Wildlife Fund Apologizes After Years Of Working With Well-Known Whale Pedophile #~# GLAND, SWITZERLAND—Confirming it had severed all ties to the disgraced 30-ton marine mammal, the World Wildlife Fund issued a formal apology Friday in which it acknowledged having worked with an adult whale known for sexually abusing juvenile members of its species. “Though we cannot change the past, we would like to say how sorry we are to all the calves victimized by the heinous actions of a humpback whale that for years appeared regularly in our promotional materials,” WWF president Pavan Sukhdev said in reference to the mature male cetacean that reportedly groomed struggling underage whales for sex with its loud, hours-long vocalizations and generous offers of krill. “This whale’s conduct is abhorrent and completely antithetical to the mission of our organization. While we had no idea it was a serial sex offender, we take full responsibility and have begun the process of reaching out to the many victims it has left across an 8,000-mile stretch of the North Pacific.” WWF officials also stated they had partnered with Japanese whalers to ensure the humpback pedophile would immediately be hunted down and run through with a harpoon.
10 Mistakes New Parents Always Make #~# When drawing a bath for a young child, many parents make it too hot. Be sure to test the temperature of the water by placing another family’s infant in it first.
Cabal Of Handsome Male Celebrities Agrees To Continue Withholding Baldness Cure From Public And Jude Law #~# UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Upholding the promise they made so many years ago, a cabal of handsome male celebrities agreed Friday to continue withholding the cure to baldness from both the public and actor Jude Law. “To date, neither the public at large nor Law have demonstrated themselves as being worthy of the quantum entanglement formula ensuring a man’s full head of hair well into his 70s,” said a spokesperson for the highly secretive group blessed with thick, luscious hair, which includes Johnny Depp, Chris Hemsworth, Paul Rudd, and other prominent Hollywood figures who have for decades quietly shepherded physically attractive and successful celebrities into their ranks. “As is stated within our bylaws, should you carry a film which grosses over $150 million domestically, we will contact you with the cure. Even if you choose to decline, as did Dwayne Johnson, you are free to keep the sacred knowledge. This, of course, excludes Law who regardless of fame or fortune will never be one of us.” At press time, members of cabal were frantically preparing to ingest cyanide capsules after learning Law had breached the entrance to the faction’s secret headquarters.
Pelosi Says House Will Proceed With Articles Of Impeachment #~# Saying the president’s behavior gave her “no choice” but to continue the process, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi signalled plans to proceed with articles of impeachment against President Trump for his solicitation of foreign interference in the 2020 election from Ukraine. What do you think?
Sight Of His Beautiful Bride Walking Down Aisle Fills Man With Overwhelming Happyish Feeling #~# PORTLAND, ME—Barely able to contain the slight approval on his face, local groom Brad Donnelly confirmed Friday that the sight of his beautiful bride walking down the aisle filled him with an overwhelming happyish feeling. “As soon as I saw her step out in her dress, I was overcome by this amazing above-neutral kind of sensation,” said Donnelly, admitting he had never felt so somewhat satisfied in his entire life. “Having all our friends and family here as the radiant love of my life came up to me, it was this amazing kind of sensation resembling joy. I never knew a person could feel so much like he should be generally pleased. I’m sure I’ll remember that moment for the rest of this weekend.” At press time, Donnelly was talking with his family about his sick grandfather who couldn’t make it and feeling confident this was the kind of thing that people feel sad about.
Man Doesn’t Want To Put Too Much Effort Into Fixing Up House He Just Going To Burn Down For Insurance Fraud One Day #~# TULSA, OK—Emphasizing that his house was perfectly fine to live in now and really didn’t need that many updates, local 32-year-old Jerry MacQuoid confirmed Friday that he didn’t want to put too much effort into fixing up a home he was just going to burn down for insurance fraud one day. “Sure, the floors are scuffed, and a lot of the fixtures are definitely from the eighties, but why would I sink all that time and money into improvements if I’m inevitably going to end up torching the place for a quick buck?” said MacQuoid, who added that while he saw the benefits of finishing the basement and putting in a new kitchen, hiring contractors and architects would ultimately just make his attempts to extort half a million dollars from his insurance company even more complicated. “Look—do I see myself raising my family in this house? No. I see us in a big two-story home in the suburbs, after I’ve burned this one to the ground, hired a lawyer, and sued everyone for all they’re worth. Might as well start dousing the place in kerosene sooner than later, right?” At press time, MacQuoid told reporters that he had actually decided to splurge on one upgrade, a new electrical panel which would both lower his utility bill and mysteriously explode on his next vacation.
Timeline Of Andrew Johnson’s Impeachment #~# The impeachment inquiry into President Donald Trump has renewed focus on that of Andrew Johnson, the 17th U.S. president and the first to be impeached by the House. The Onion takes a look back at the timeline of President Johnson’s impeachment.
Jimmy Carter Released From Hospital #~# Former President Jimmy Carter has been released from Phoebe Sumter Medical Center and is resting at his home after being admitted for a urinary tract infection. What do you think?
Sonny Perdue Argues Food Stamp Cuts Will Incentivize People To Get Exploitative Jobs That Won’t Exist In 5 Years #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to the criticism surrounding the Trump administration’s recent decision to tighten restrictions on supplemental nutrition eligibility, Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue argued Thursday that the food stamp cuts will incentivize people to go out and get exploitative jobs that won’t exist in five years. “Look, these cuts are not about kicking people off the food stamp rolls, but encouraging them to get off the couch and start looking for thankless, backbreaking work that will be rendered obsolete by either automation or outsourcing by 2025,” said Perdue, adding that the administration’s goal wasn’t to prevent Americans from affording food, but to create an empowering situation where U.S. citizens could barely have the means for sustenance because their degrading, short-term job, with severe physical and emotional hazards, forces them to work overtime without extra pay. “We are hoping the new directive will serve as a gentle nudge for Americans to take their lives into their own hands by signing up for one, two, or even three demanding jobs from a hellish megacorporation that only cares about their bottom line. People shouldn’t be relying on the government for free food, especially in this current Trump economy—there are tons of available positions that will push the boundaries of their physical and mental health, as well as significantly decrease their life expectancy, all in exchange for a meager subsistence that robs them and their families of their dignity.” Perdue also added that the new rules would work in tandem with the proposed cuts to Medicare, which the administration has argued will incentivize unemployed people to take up jobs that offer inhumane health care plans that don’t cover essential services.
Mother Confident That Adult Son’s Cycle Of Emotional Terrorism Will Calm Down Once He Finds The Right Girl #~# HOUSTON—Writing off the behavior as common for his age, local mother Deenah Young told sources Thursday she was confident her 26-year-old son Devin’s psychological abuse of all the women he had ever dated was simply a phase that would end when he met the right girl. “I know it’s a little silly for Dev to still be leveraging sociopathic levels of misogyny toward every member of the female gender, but he’s just waiting for that special someone,” said Young, who expressed complete assurance that once he really fell in love, her son would cease the decades-long pattern in which he has engaged in the emotional manipulation, vicious ridicule, and ultimate abandonment of every woman he has dated. “Sometimes the right one has to come along before a boy will stop barraging girlfriends with constant comments about their weight, or hang up those youthful desires to isolate a woman from her friends and family in order to take advantage of her. Devin’s having his fun, but mark my words, before he hits 30, he’ll get tired and settle down. Then he won’t spend all his time maliciously destroying his partner’s confidence just to prop up his own anymore. And who knows? Maybe there’s a girl out there who will find his constant oscillation between manipulative isolation and suffocating neediness endearing.” Reports later confirmed Young couldn’t help but chuckle and shake her head at her son’s hijinks after hearing yet another girlfriend had filed a restraining order against him.
Boris Johnson Worried Anti-Semitism Accusations Against Labour Party Will Hurt Tories’ Hold On Bigot Vote #~# LONDON—Monitoring polls and news coverage of the upcoming elections, U.K. prime minister Boris Johnson reportedly expressed concern Thursday that continued accusations of anti-Semitism against the Labour Party will hurt the Tories’ hold on the bigot vote. “Those with prejudiced and discriminatory beliefs have long been a bedrock of the Conservative Party constituency, but I’m nervous that so many people attacking Labour as the party of anti-Semites will eat into our ability to win,” said Johnson, adding that he was concerned the volume of allegations that Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn wasn’t doing enough to combat anti-Semitism in his own party could result in bigoted voters believing that Labour actually represented their values. “When allegations first started coming out, I figured it would be a flash in the pan and the Tories could continue counting on the bigot vote, as we have for generations. It’s really going to hurt us if people think Labour is the party for anti-Semitism based on a few things in the media and ignore the political reality, which is that the Conservatives have for decades reliably issued policy driven by prejudice and racial animus. But it’s going to be a close election, and I’m worried if this doesn’t stop, the Tories could be at risk of losing the Islamaphobe or even the white supremacist vote, and that would be devastating at the polls.” An increasingly desperate Johnson added that he was pondering saying or doing something extremely anti-Semitic in order to remind bigoted voters on the fence about which party best advocated their interests.
Kamala Harris Leaves 2020 Race #~# After months of low polling and a struggle to define herself against opponents, Senator Kamala Harris announced she would drop out of the 2020 presidential race, saying her campaign “simply doesn’t have the financial resources we need to continue.” What do you think?
Jimmy Carter Devotes Rest Of Life To Raising Awareness Of Fact That Men Get UTIs Too #~# PLAINS, GA—As he continues to rest and recover following a brush with the ailment earlier this week, former President Jimmy Carter announced Thursday he would spend the remainder of his life educating people about the fact that men, too, routinely suffer from urinary tract infections. “This isn’t just an issue that affects women: Every urethra is delicate and susceptible, with roughly one in 10 men contracting a UTI at some point during their life,” said the 39th president of the United States, confirming he would immediately sever ties with Habitat for Humanity and terminate the Carter Center’s long-running program to eradicate Guinea worm disease in order to focus solely on the promotion of healthy male urinary tracts. “This painful affliction is often misdiagnosed, so if you feel a sharp burning sensation when urinating or notice an unfamiliar discharge in your urine, make sure you get tested. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and there’s no reason to live in discomfort when treatment is readily available. They give you some pills and it clears right up.” At press time, Carter was reportedly going from stall door to stall door in a public men’s room, where he urged occupants to reduce their risk of a UTI by drinking plenty of fluids and keeping the tip of their penis clean and dry.
Researchers Release Teeny Little Minotaur Into Maze To Test Mice’s Capacity To Use Enchanted String #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to study the rodents’ ability to manipulate simple magical objects, researchers at the University of Chicago reportedly released a teeny little minotaur into a maze Thursday to test mice’s capacity to use enchanted string. “Our thesis is that by adding the external pressure of a teensy tiny monstrosity into their environment, the mice will be motivated to use the charmed thread to find their way to the exit,” said lead researcher Christa Manginis, explaining that preliminary testing had indicated that at least one of the seven male and seven female mice trapped within should be able to use the string to lead the others to safety or potentially even employ one of the toothpick-sized swords placed throughout the maze to slay the minuscule human-bull hybrid. “If these trials are successful, they could potentially have far-reaching implications for humans’ ability to use more sophisticated godly instruments such as golden fleeces or caps of invisibility to evade ravening beasts.” Manginis added that this experiment had been developed as an offshoot of her past research which had definitively concluded that female rodents could be successfully trained to open a wee jar containing all the evils of mousekind. 
Parents Sign Up Mitch Trubisky For Rec Soccer Team In Hopes He’ll Develop Interest In Sports #~# MENTOR, OH—Figuring that, at worst, it would be a good way to get him outside, parents of Chicago Bears quarterback Mitchell Trubisky confirmed Thursday that they had signed their son up for a community rec soccer team to see if it would spark any sort of interest in sports for him. “We’ve had a hard time over the last few years trying to get Mitch excited about athletics, but sometimes kids need a little push on these things,” said father Dave, admitting that he had assumed that the dedication to sports displayed by all of Trubisky’s friends would have rubbed off on him, but that his son still seemed disinterested and mentally somewhere else when everyone around him was competing. “We just think it’s important for a boy his age to be running around, getting fresh air and exercise. I was telling Jeanne that if this doesn’t take, we can try baseball, or there’s a summer swim league he might like, too. I think he would have a real aptitude for this stuff if he just applied himself. And who knows, he might even have a little fun.” At press time, Mitch Trubisky was being carried off the field crying after getting hit in the face by a ball five minutes into the game.
Hopes Rise For HIV Vaccine By 2021 #~# Preliminary results for trials of the drugs HVTN 702, Imbokodo, and Mosaico have caused rising hopes for a vaccine that could help lower the 1.8 million yearly cases of HIV that are transmitted every year and strike a definitive blow against the deadly virus. What do you think?
Report: Would’ve Been Nice If Dad Had Loved Original Family This Much #~# ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Shedding new light on just how happy life could have been if things had worked out a little differently, a new report published Wednesday has concluded that it sure would’ve been nice if Dad had loved his original family as much as his second one. “You can really see he’s an empathetic person who takes a genuine interest in these kids, and it’s amazing to think about what it would have been like to have had some of that back when we were children,” sources are quoted as saying in the report, which noted just how cool it would have been if the kindness Dad showed toward his current wife at Thanksgiving dinner had been applied to Mom even once over the 12-year span of their marriage. “It’s touching to watch him spend time nurturing the talents and hobbies of his new kids, but I don’t think he even knows what I do for work. He also named his new son after himself, something he didn’t bother doing when my brother and I were born more than 20 years ago. I don’t think he even helped pick our names.” The report went on to state it also would’ve been nice if Dad hadn’t asked sources to get out of a second photo taken over the holiday so he could have one with just his new family.
Impeachment Report: Trump Solicited Foreign Interference #~# In a sweeping 300-page document released this week, Democrats on the House Intelligence Committee outlined evidence that they say proves President Trump solicited foreign interference in the 2020 elections for personal gain, a claim that will be used in the debate on whether to remove the 45th president from office. What do you think?
Mom Scolds Child For Pointing At Homeless Man Instead Of Ignoring His Very Existence #~# ARCATA, CA—Yanking the girl into the grocery store to avoid further embarrassment, local mom Tara Cochran scolded her daughter Wednesday for pointing at a homeless man instead of ignoring his very existence. “Sophia, no. We do not acknowledge a homeless person’s humanity, it’s impolite,” said Cochran, quietly admonishing her daughter’s rudeness while avoiding eye contact with the man sitting on a dirty piece of cardboard begging for change. “You’re going to make him feel bad instead of making him feel invisible. We need to be respectful of these people by treating them as objects blocking the sidewalk. If they talk to you first, then it’s ok to shake your head and murmur “Sorry, can’t help,” but otherwise, leave them in destitute peace. Yes, even if you have some change, you shouldn’t go giving it to them because that’s wrong.” Cochran went on to explain to her daughter why it’s important to tell the Salvation Army bell-ringer that you just donated, even if you didn’t.
Jilted Trump Announces Formation Of Cooler, Way More Powerful NATO With His New Best Friends Oman, Macedonia, And Suriname #~# LONDON—In response to the covertly recorded footage of European leaders mocking the U.S. president, a jilted Donald Trump announced Wednesday the official formation of a cooler, way more powerful NATO with his new best friends Oman, Macedonia, and Suriname. “We are going to have so much fun without you losers,” said the U.S. commander in chief of the impromptu new intergovernmental alliance he formed after proclaiming that “the old NATO is stupid,” explaining that he had already poured billions of dollars of funding into the collective to ensure they have the “best summit ever.” “France and Canada think they’re so cool, but we could totally destroy them in a fight. I already met with Qaboos, Stevo, and Dési, and we’re gonna get matching satin jackets and they’re gonna look sick.” At press time, Trump was already threatening to pull out of his newly formed alliance after accusing its members of not paying their fair share of the budget.
Loved Ones Located All The Way On Other Side Of Heaven #~# THE HEAVENS—Expressing frustration at the pressure from his parents and siblings to visit more often, the immortal soul of deceased man Bryan Glench complained to reporters Wednesday about his loved ones being so far away from him, on the opposite side of heaven. “Don’t get me wrong, I like my family, but I hate schlepping all the way across kingdom come just to see them, you know?” said the disembodied spirit and former social media manager, observing that while time might be limitless in the afterlife, it was still a significant nuisance to travel from one end of paradise to the other. “They’re out past the bright light and then down another 20 clouds after that, and I just can’t be trekking clear over there and back all the goddamn time. Besides, all we ever do is sit around and make small talk about our everlasting lives. It’s just not worth it.” Asked if the isolation from his loved ones had made him lonely, Glench admitted he occasionally found himself wishing he had forgone a lifetime of piety and just gone straight to hell with all his friends.
Pros And Cons Of Talking Politics At Work #~# It’s long been taboo to discuss politics in the workplace, and as the national atmosphere becomes more politically charged, arguments have grown both for and against bringing political discussions to professional settings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of talking politics at work.
One-Eyed Man Who Kamala Harris Locked Up 25 Years Ago Quietly Removes Tulsi Gabbard Mask #~# KAPOLEI, HI—Wiping the sweat from his brow and contemplating his long road to vengeance, one-eyed man Calvin Simmons, who was locked up by Kamala Harris 25 years ago, quietly removed his Tulsi Gabbard mask Tuesday after learning that the California senator had dropped out of the presidential race. “The day she locked me up for marijuana possession, I looked her in the eye and swore I would have my revenge,” said Simmons, rubbing the long scar on his head while staring into the dark, empty room around him and ruminating on how his lifelong quest to destroy Harris’s presidential ambitions was finally complete. “Fifteen years of my life gone—you took them from me Kamala, but it looks like I’ve had the last laugh. All those lost days in prison, plotting my return, crafting my backstory, studying you for weaknesses, I even joined the army, it’s all lead to this. You thought you were tough, you thought you had destroyed me, but your chickens have come home to roost. He nani, Kamala.” At press time, Simmons had taken Gabbard’s remaining campaign funds and fled the country to begin a new life in Micronesia.
British Royal Family Condemns Media’s Ugly Attacks On Their Traditional Practice Of Sexual Abuse #~# LONDON—Defending the allegations of sexual assault against Prince Andrew as integral to their rich and storied culture, the British royal family issued a statement Tuesday condemning the media’s ugly attacks on their traditional practice of sexual abuse. “This is one of our most dearly held traditional practices, which can be traced through our family tree for thousands of years,” said Queen Elizabeth II, who noted that if not for their long-standing tolerance of mass sexual perversion, the royal family’s lineage would have broken a long time ago. “Sexual misconduct is a cornerstone of the British monarchy. A complete disregard for consent courses through our regal veins and defines what it means to be a British royal. We invite the media to think twice before interfering in our time-honored history of abusing women and children.” The queen added that Prince Andrew would continue to perform these ancient royal duties in private during this difficult time. 
Michael Bloomberg Treats Self To Second, Flashier Presidential Campaign #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that he felt he had earned a little indulgence, Democratic candidate Michael Bloomberg confirmed Tuesday that he had decided to treat himself to a second, flashier presidential campaign. “Having one presidential campaign is nice and all, but I had some extra money lying around and decided to splurge on another first-class presidential campaign with all the bells and whistles,” said Bloomberg, adding that he planned to split time between his original campaign and his new luxury one, for which he’d already gotten the most expensive consultants, most luxurious campaign vehicles, and nicest website money can buy. “I know I don’t really need a second campaign, and it hasn’t even been that long since I bought my first one, but it’s the holidays, and I wanted to do something special for Mikey. It’s going to have a full campaign staff available around the clock, and there’s even going to be a movie theater in the headquarters where we can watch all my political ads. Voters are going to be blown away when they see it.” Bloomberg told reporters that he was also scouting sites for an additional international presidential campaign in a more exotic locale.
Antonio Brown Proves He’s Changed Man By Breaking Into Robert Kraft’s House In Middle Of Night To Apologize #~# CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Hoping to secure a second chance with the Patriots by taking accountability for his actions, wide receiver Antonio Brown attempted to prove he was a changed man Monday by breaking into Robert Kraft’s house in the middle of the night to apologize. “Look, I know I screwed up, and I just wanted to do something proactive and tell you to your face that I’ve changed,” said Brown, waving the knife he used to disable Kraft’s home security system and wrapping duct tape over the team owner’s mouth to make sure he could recite his full apology. “I stabbed your security your guard and outran your dogs just to show you how much I want to be on the Patriots. Would someone who wasn’t committed to football smash open your kitchen window at 2 a.m. like that? Didn’t think so. Clearly, I’m in playing shape if I could do all this without waking you up. Shit, I could be back on the practice field tomorrow.” At press time, Brown had thrown Kraft in the trunk of his car and was headed to Tom Brady’s house so Brown could show off all the tape he’d been studying.
U.N. Chief Says Planet Faces Point Of No Return As Climate Summit Begins #~# While stressing that his message before the global COP25 climate conference was one of hope rather than despair, U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres told reporters that the world’s government must make immediate changes or face a point of no return. What do you think?
Man’s Life Spent Occasionally Eating Barbecue In Between Doing Things He Hates #~# CROTHERSVILLE, IN—Saying he sleepwalks through life until the next opportunity arises to savor tangy, slow-cooked meats, sources confirmed Tuesday local man Evan Demers spends his days occasionally eating barbecue in between doing things he hates. “He works really long hours at a job he despises, constantly complains about his family, and doesn’t even seem to enjoy being around his friends—to be honest, the only time I’ve seen him satisfied is when there happens to be a slab of short ribs or a pulled pork sandwich in front of him,” longtime Demers acquaintance Russ Perkins said of the man who reportedly exists in a state of continuous irritability that is only interrupted at random intervals when, for a brief period, he is actively biting or chewing such food items as brisket, smoked chicken, baked beans, or cornbread. “You can tell he’s just going through the motions of life and is pretty miserable. He did seem to snap out of it a little when that new barbecue place opened near his house a couple years back. It closed after a few months, though.” At press time, reports stated that Demers was staring at an empty plate, licking the remnants of a vinegar-based sauce from his thumb, and trying to summon enough motivation to load the dishwasher.
Washboard Player In Jug Band Tired Of Spoons Guy Getting All The Chicks #~# MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing elevated tensions in the group, washboard player Jimmy Phelps confirmed Tuesday that he was tired of his jug band’s spoons guy getting all the chicks. “I do a lot of leg work setting the tone for the whole show, yet the ladies are all over that jackass,” said Phelps, watching with envy as female fans rushed to get photos and autographs from the self-confident spoons player. “What an arrogant prick walking up on stage in his flashy overalls and straw hat and showboating like that. I mean, obviously, the jug guy is going to get some attention because he’s the leader, but the spoons guy? Really? They’re a dime a dozen. It’s actually really hard to find a quality washboard player these days. Besides, I joined Colonel Pillbox’s Jug Band & Company way before he did, so it’s only fair I get some acknowledgment.” At press time, Phelps decided to drown his loneliness and heartache in bathtub gin.
Remember ‘Command And Conquer’? No? Okay Then #~# Hey, gamers, get ready for a nostalgia kick! Remember Command and Conquer? No? You don’t? Oh, well, huh...We had this whole thing planned about the game, but if this isn’t ringing a bell, you can just forget about it.
‘Team Umizoomi Actually Kind Of Interesting,’ Reports Stay-At-Home Dad On Verge Of Full Psychotic Breakdown #~# SOUDERTON, PA—Lauding the children’s series’ overall quality and specifically noting its commitment to comprehensive world-building, local stay-at-home dad Judd Teudel, who remarked Tuesday that he personally found Team Umizoomi “actually kind of interesting,” was reportedly on the verge of a complete psychotic breakdown. “There’s a surprising amount of depth to the characters,” said Teudel, who has repeatedly struggled with exhaustion and intense feelings of aggravation while providing care for his toddler son. “I never really gave it a chance until recently, but it’s more than just a bunch of kid stuff. There are subtle elements to the storytelling that most kids probably wouldn’t understand, seriously catchy songs, brief reflections of inner desolation, hidden ruminations on estrangement from one’s family and those once so-called friends, and even a surprising wry quality in the way they teach you to, like, measure things. It’s definitely not Paw Patrol, because they actually care about character development, and it doesn’t mock me and everything I once dreamed about like that little shit Caillou.” A bleary-eyed Foster was later seen explaining the serialized nature of the later seasons to his wife after she caught him browsing a Team Umizoomi message board.
Iranian Regime Attacks Activists Trying To Come Up With Protester Body Count For Being Complete Dorks Obsessed With Numbers #~# TEHRAN, IRAN—Slamming critics in the wake of the government’s violent crackdown on mass demonstrations, President Hassan Rouhani attacked activists trying to come up with a protester body count Monday for being complete dorks obsessed with numbers. “Not only are these allegations baseless but anyone trying to compile an accurate death toll is a huge nerd who needs to get a fucking life,” said Rouhani, who noted that regardless of whether 100, 200, or 500 protesters were slaughtered by security forces, they’re all just stupid numbers that only a bunch of socially inept weirdos would care about anyway. “Sure, at least a few people died, but it’s super lame to get caught up counting them. I’ve seen people go as far as making charts with statistics and names, and it’s, like, who gives a shit? No one wants to watch you brainiacs spazzing out about a bunch of annoying facts and figures. How about you try going outside and holding a pro-government demonstration for once?” Rouhani added that if these losers didn’t shut the fuck up soon, he would have to impose an Internet blackout once again.
Leonardo Dicaprio Refutes False Claim He Funded Amazon Wildfires #~# Leonardo Dicaprio refuted claims by Brazil’s right-wing president Jair Bolsonaro that the Hollywood actor and activist financed wildfires in the Amazon in order to stir up additional donations to the World Wildlife Funds, an assertion the South American leader has used to arrest several volunteer firefighters. What do you think?
Nation Returns To Regular Workweek A Little More Kind, A Little More Thoughtful, A Little More Thankful #~# WASHINGTON—Getting back into their routines with a renewed outlook on life after the long holiday weekend, the entire U.S. labor force reportedly returned to work Monday a little more kind, a little more thoughtful, and a little more thankful. “My job isn’t perfect, but I’m grateful it’s mine and grateful to be back,” said 43-year-old Salt Lake City resident Jacob Estrada, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans who made sure to kiss their spouses and give their kids an extra hug this morning before they cheerfully headed off to their respective workplaces with a bit more appreciation for all they have. “Spending time with friends and family this weekend reminded me how much life has given me. Even when I got stuck in traffic during my commute, I just sat there humming a little tune to myself and thinking how lucky I am to be able to provide for my family. Really, nothing’s ever as bad as it seems if you simply take a moment now and then to count your blessings.” At presstime, sources across the country confirmed every American worker had stopped smiling and saying hello to their colleagues and resumed muttering curses under their breath.
Nation Calls For Letting Biden Rub Women’s Shoulders Again After Seeing What He’ll Do Instead #~# WASHINGTON—Apologizing for what they have unleashed by condemning the former Vice President’s past behavior, the U.S. populace issued a call Monday to let Joe Biden rub women’s shoulders again after seeing what he will do instead. “It’s not that the shoulder rub thing isn’t creepy, it is, but we didn’t realize the Pandora’s box that we opened by making him stop,” said Loveland, Colorado resident Virginia Dalton, claiming that while Biden smelling a woman’s hair had always grossed her out, seeing the 77-year-old biting his wife’s finger during a campaign event over the weekend shook her to the core. “It’s fine, just let him do it. Unsolicited shoulder rubs or touching a stranger’s lower back are not good, but at least they’re kind of normal. There is apparently no hope of him just acting okay, so let’s at least give him back the shoulder rubs, because God knows what horrors he will unleash upon women without that outlet.” At press time, the nation’s women were hastily promising Biden they would vote for him just so they could escape his advances.
Pete Buttigieg Admits Only Recently Realizing Black People Can Vote #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—In response to recent criticism of his campaign and political record, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg admitted Monday that he only recently realized that black people can vote. “I’ll be the first one to acknowledge that I’ve had some blind spots in my political career, and I’ve learned some hard truths over the past few months, one of which is that African Americans have been able to vote in this country for decades,” said the mayor of South Bend, IN, apologizing to the city’s black residents for his lack of attention to the problems facing their community and his belief that they didn’t possess the legal right to cast a ballot for any elected office. “In the time since I announced my campaign, my eyes have been opened to the realities of this country’s systemic racism, and also black suffrage. I realize that some of the things I’ve done as mayor and said on the campaign trail aren’t going to play as well with this constituency, although, to be fair, I’ve only just realized that they’re a constituency. I honestly had no idea. But going forward, my message to black Americans is that I want your vote now that I know that you have one.” Buttigieg added that in order to avoid alienating potential supporters, he would be open to not letting black people vote. 
Deal Alert: Guy With Nice Suit Probably Carrying Enough On Him Right Now To Buy ‘Death Stranding’ PS4 Pro Bundle If You Stick Him Up #~# Attention gamers! Here’s a deal that’s just too good to pass up. This guy with a nice suit passing 35th and Claremont Ave. is probably carrying enough on him right now to buy the Death Stranding PS4 Pro bundle if you stick him up.
Winter Storms Threaten Americans Traveling Back From Thanksgiving #~# Thousands of flight cancellations and inclement weather have threatened travel plans for Americans attempting to return home after Thanksgiving break. What do you think?
All Of Woman’s Problems Stem From Never Having Visited Europe #~# TULSA, OK—Stressing that the part-time administrative assistant should book a flight as soon as possible, sources confirmed this week that all of 28-year-old Hailey Allen’s problems stem from her never having visited Europe. “All her relationship hang-ups, low self-esteem, and failures at work would immediately disappear if Hailey finally experienced the grandeur of the La Sagrada Familia in Barcelona or tossed a coin into the Trevi Fountain in Rome,” said concerned sources, noting that every single one of Allen’s professional and personal issues could be resolved with even just a weekend spent exploring the streets of Paris. “The moment she bites down into a Parisian pain au chocolat at a café, she’ll immediately transcend her current self, becoming a fully matured, well-rounded, and happy person. To clarify, this is only applicable for Western European countries and does not include Asia, Russia, or any nation East of the Baltic Sea.” At press time, sources panicked as Allen was seen purchasing a Greyhound ticket for Warsaw, IN.
Lawyers Confirm Trump Willing To Answer All Of Sean Hannity’s Questions About Russia Collusion #~# WASHINGTON—Ending any speculation over whether he would submit to questioning on the subject, lawyers representing President Trump confirmed Wednesday he is willing to clear up any concerns that talk show host Sean Hannity may have about his 2016 campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia. “The president has expressed to us that he is fully committed to cooperating with Mr. Hannity on all aspects of the Russia issue,” said White House attorney Ty Cobb, adding that his client looks forward to speaking with the Fox News anchor on the record and, furthermore, is not the least bit worried about the revelations that will result from Hannity’s line of inquiry. “Whether the questions are about why Mr. Trump, as a candidate, had no reason to collude, or how Hillary Clinton has done much worse, the president is ready to provide complete and detailed responses. He understands the level of accountability to which he will be held by a person in Mr. Hannity’s position, and he is entirely prepared for it.” Cobb went on to express confidence that Hannity will ultimately conclude the president has engaged in no wrongdoing.
State Of The Union Address #~# President Trump delivered his first State Of The Union Address last night. What do you think?
Amazon Warehouses Stocked With 20,000 Doctors In Preparation For Healthcare Launch #~# SEATTLE—Saying the online retailer was attempting to get ahead of the anticipated rush, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced Wednesday that his company’s warehouses have been stocked with 20,000 doctors in preparation for the launch of his new healthcare initiative. “As part of our mission to always be expanding our selection of goods and services, we will soon begin offering Amazon customers access to thousands of physicians, each of whom will be capable of prescribing a wide array of treatment options and can be delivered right to your door,” said Bezos, noting that Amazon also plans to keep more than 50,000 competitively priced nurses, physician assistants, and pharmacists in stock at all times. “As always, Prime members will have access to two-day clinician delivery, but those willing to wait a bit longer for their diagnosis can select the ‘no rush’ option and receive 5 percent off their next purchase of a medical professional. If the treatment you receive from your doctor fails to meet your medical needs, just print out a prepaid UPS label and send him or her back for a full refund.” At press time, sources confirmed Amazon had suspended online pre-orders after approximately 4,000 general practitioners were crushed to death in a forklift accident.
Tough-Guy ICE Agent Struggling To Raise Adorable Kids After Deporting Their Parents #~# LAREDO, TX—Scrambling to cook breakfast, change a diaper, and put on his bulletproof vest at the same time, tough-as-nails ICE agent Tony Carter admitted Thursday that he was struggling to raise the remaining three members of the Guerrero family after deporting their parents to El Salvador. “Alright, you knuckleheads, settle down. I’m putting Javier in charge until I get back from work, and then we’re having spaghetti. Comprende?” Carter said to the children whose parents he detained at gunpoint in a pre-dawn raid before noticing the “sleepy little angels” cowering in the bathroom. “Look, I don’t know how your folks ran things—and lord knows I’m no parenting expert—but around here, we don’t get to watch TV until we’ve done our chores.” After reminding the kids that he could deport them, too, if they didn’t make their beds, Carter sighed contentedly and muttered, “It takes a village.”
Neurologists Find Brain Still Shows Signs Of Self-Criticism Minutes After Death #~# PASADENA, CA—In a groundbreaking study that sheds new light upon the vast capabilities of the human mind, neurologists at the California Institute of Technology have shown that our brains continue to engage in self-criticism for several minutes after we die. “Using the latest neuroimaging techniques, we have been able to confirm that the brain can still produce thoughts about being worthless and unlovable even when the body is clinically dead,” Professor Ellen Garoza said Wednesday, noting that up to four minutes after death, scientists have observed neural activity in the parts of the limbic system where phenomena such as low confidence, inner ridicule, and crippling doubt are believed to originate. “Research is still in its early stages, but it’s possible that after you die, you can actually berate yourself for not having accomplished more while alive, and feel guilty for making anyone dumb enough to care about you feel sad.” The researchers emphasized, however, that they had not yet determined if brains in heads severed from their bodies could momentarily reflect upon how stupid and embarrassing their torsos must look.
Jamie Dimon Cites Relentless Desire To Watch A Person Die Up Close As Inspiration For Starting Healthcare Company #~# NEW YORK—While acknowledging that he hopes to improve upon many of the industry’s shortcomings, JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon stated Wednesday that his real inspiration for starting a new healthcare company is his deep-seated and unrelenting desire to see a fellow human being die up close. “Sure, I’m looking forward to addressing inefficiencies in the healthcare system, but this new initiative is really more about my passion for that moment when a sickly, gaunt man takes his last breath and leaves this world behind, an event I can’t wait to finally witness in person,” said Dimon, noting that he is eager to work with Warren Buffett and Jeff Bezos on finding innovative ways to look on as a trauma victim dies from painful internal bleeding, or as that last flickering light in the eyes of a hospice patient is quietly snuffed out. “By leveraging advances in technology, we believe we can develop a business plan that revolutionizes the healthcare industry and provides me the opportunity to at long last touch the withered flesh of a dying American as he or she is removed from life support. I look forward to hovering over a body as it turns from supple pink to a cold, unyielding grey. And I plan to linger there, fully appreciating the experience, until I am ushered out of the room by nurses.” Dimon went on to remark that while he would be happy to see anyone pass away up close, watching a small child die would be especially gratifying.
Nutella Riots Erupt In France #~# Shoppers at French supermarket chain Intermarché are rioting through stores and engaging in violence after the chain cut the price of Nutella by 70 percent. What do you think?
Gruff, No-Nonsense Teacher Only Hard On Students Because He Gets Off On Exploiting Power #~# MARSHALL, MN—Claiming that his gruff classroom demeanor was often misunderstood, no-nonsense chemistry teacher Bill Powderly explained on Wednesday that he was only tough on his students because he gets off on exploiting his authority. “Listen folks, I’m only stern with you kids because I care [about the surge of dopamine that rushes through my brain every time I raise my voice],” said Powderly, who added that his biggest source of happiness—besides bullying adolescents for the sheer thrill—was teaching. “You don’t have to like me, but I conduct myself in this manner because [it makes me feel like an omnipotent god-king].” Powderly went on to say that one day when they became adults, his students would look back and realize he was “a [small, vindictive] man who cared.”
‘We Must Restore Rule Of Law,’ Says Trump As Aides Pass Out Revolvers To Audience #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring during his first State of the Union address that the United States “must restore the rule of law,” President Trump took a hard line on domestic security issues Tuesday night as members of his staff handed out loaded revolvers to everyone in attendance. “Our way of life is being threatened by violent criminals and all these people pouring into our country and doing these terrible things,” the president said as staffers carried in wicker baskets full of Colt .45s, .357 Magnums, and Ruger GP100s and distributed them to the 115th Congress, the Supreme Court, the Cabinet, and various guests, all of whom began inspecting and, in some cases cocking, the weapons. “It’s long past time we did our jobs and liberated ourselves from the thugs overrunning our cities and towns. Let’s throw these animals out of America once and for all—starting right now.” Though Trump’s words were met with thunderous applause and celebratory small-arms fire, sources confirmed plans to begin administering justice immediately were delayed after it was discovered Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell had accidentally shot his entire face off.
Senator Dick Durbin Forced To Watch State Of The Union Address From Home After Getting Ripped Off By Ticket Scalper #~# WASHINGTON—Swearing this was the last time he would trust a seller on the street, Illinois Senator Dick Durbin was forced to watch the State of the Union address from home Tuesday after getting ripped off by a ticket scalper. “I should have known something was up when that sketchy asshole claimed he had awesome seats one row back from the president,” said Durbin, who curled up on his couch and picked at a bowl of microwave popcorn while watching U.S. legislators file into the House Chamber on his television. “Ugh, those goddamn tickets were clearly printed out at home. There wasn’t even a hologram on them. I never should have believed that sneaky bastard, but I had already bragged to my guests about the great seats I was going to get. What a waste of 800 bucks.”At press time, Durbin was reportedly offering soda and chips to the Dreamer family that he had invited to accompany him to the State of the Union address.
Rare Moon Trifecta Happening On Wednesday #~# On Wednesday, stargazers will see a rare triple lineup that includes a blue moon, a supermoon, and a total lunar eclipse, an occurrence that will not happen again until 2037. What do you think?
Stephen Miller Rewards Self After Day Of Speechwriting With Trip To See Children In Local ICE Detention Center #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the outing was a well-deserved treat for laboring on President Trump’s upcoming State of the Union address, senior policy advisor Stephen Miller reportedly rewarded himself Tuesday with a trip to see all the children at a local ICE detention center. “I’ve been putting in some pretty long hours, so it’s nice to unwind a little at the Immigration and Customs facility watching all the kids held indefinitely in federal custody,” said Miller, who stopped outside a cramped 6-by-8 cell to smile warmly at a set of scared, parentless 7- and 8-year-old Mexican siblings, adding that the tear-streaked faces filled his heart with joy. “It’s so gratifying see those trembling little chins and reddened eyes filled with palpable fear. I love listening to those tiny whimpers and sobs. So cute. God, this place is amazing. I really haven’t had this much fun in a long time.” At press time, a reflective Miller was fondly recalling that unnecessarily detained, mistreated immigrants were the reason he got into politics in the first place.
The DREAM Act: Myth Vs. Fact #~# The DREAM Act, which would provide permanent residency to immigrants brought into the country as children who fulfill certain requirements, has been controversial since its introduction in 2001 and remains one of the focal points of the immigration debate. The Onion outlines the myths and facts surrounding the DREAM Act:
The Secret To My 65-Year Marriage Is Trust, Respect, And Threatening To Kill Myself If She Leaves #~# It often amazes people when they hear how long my wife and I have been happily wed. These days, with so many young people getting divorced, it just doesn’t seem possible to them. When friends ask how we’ve managed to stay together, I always tell them the same thing: The secret to our 65-year marriage has been trust, respect, and my persistent, very serious threats to kill myself if she ever leaves me.
Flustered Mathematician Unable To Recommend Good Number #~# BOSTON—Growing more agitated the harder he tried coming up with a suggestion, mathematician William Haley reportedly became flustered Tuesday after he was unable to recommend a good number. “Ah, shit, give me a second, I’m totally blanking on a numeral right now,” said an overwhelmed Haley, adding that while there were obviously “tons of great integers” he could offer up, he was unfortunately coming up empty at this particular moment. “Hm, what about y? Wait, no, that’s a variable. Hold on, I’ll think of something. I’m so close—dammit!” Sources said Haley subsequently emailed a list of over 325 billion numbers that had popped into his head the moment the conversation ended.
Stepmom Doesn’t Expect Kids To Call Her Stupid Bitch Right Away #~# FREMONT, CA—Stressing that they should only say it once they feel comfortable, local stepmom Allison Pratt told reporters Tuesday that she doesn’t expect her stepchildren to call her a stupid bitch right away. “They were already teenagers when I came into their lives, so I understand if it takes a while before they call me a fucking skank,” said Pratt, adding that she was content to wait for as long as it took for her husband’s 15- and 17-year-old daughters to refer to her as a cunt who can’t boss them around. “If I’m patient, eventually they’ll stop seeing me as ‘Allison’ and start seeing me as more of a homewrecker figure. I bet it’s only a matter of time before ‘gold-digging witch’ is the only way they’ll refer to me.” At press time, Pratt smiled as she overheard one of her stepdaughters describe her as “that bimbo idiot” while talking to a friend on the phone.
5th-Largest Diamond In Human History Dug Up #~# A mining company in Lesotho has discovered a 910-carat diamond in the country’s mountainous region, one of the largest of its kind ever found with an estimated $40 million price tag. What do you think?
Cleveland Indians Owner Admits Chief Wahoo No Longer Compatible With Modern Revenue Growth Expectations #~# CLEVELAND—Stressing the importance of showing consideration for every stockholder, Cleveland Indians owner Paul Dolan admitted Monday that mascot Chief Wahoo is no longer compatible with modern revenue growth expectations. “Although he has been the franchise symbol for decades, we decided it’s best to remove Chief Wahoo out of a deep respect for our bottom line,” said Dolan, who revealed that organizational leaders worked for months to devise a plan that balanced the interests of fans and those who have real concerns over what profit margins are appropriate in this day and age. “Chief Wahoo was from a different era, and society has moved beyond the cash flow projections we used to be okay with in the past. I know many people in Cleveland have a long connection to the Chief, but he is just not a mascot for 21st century earnings.” Dolan added that some Chief Wahoo merchandise would still be available for sale out of reverence for his former profitability with fans.
IKEA Founder Dies At 91 #~# Swedish entrepreneur and Ikea founder Ingvar Kampgrad died at 91 after a brief illness. What do you think?
Perfect Girlfriend Blames Self For Everything #~# DALLAS—Confirming that the woman he has been dating since last year is “the whole package,” local man Tim Gurtz told reporters Monday his absolutely perfect girlfriend, Sasha Klein, blames herself for everything. “We get along so well we hardly ever fight, but when we do, she immediately backs down, says it’s all her fault, and then apologizes,” said Gurtz, adding that he knew Klein was the perfect girl for him on their first date, when he was 40 minutes late to meet her at a restaurant and she blamed herself for having made the reservation too early. “Whenever I’m feeling upset or frustrated, she’s always there to put her arms around me and tell me she’s to blame for everything. She’s just the best.” At press time, sources reported that Klein had broken up with Gurtz after blaming herself for not being good enough for him.
Johns Hopkins Doctors Perform First Successful Surgery On Broken Thumb #~# BALTIMORE—In a groundbreaking procedure that experts say may change the future of medicine, doctors at Johns Hopkins Hospital announced on Monday that they had performed the first successful surgery on a broken thumb. “Just five years ago, we never would have dreamed it possible to repair a fracture in the small bones of the thumb, but today, we stand here proud to have performed nothing short of a medical miracle,” said Dr. Janice Otero, who led the team of 10 orthopedic surgeons during the unprecedented 16-hour operation to rejoin the broken segments of a tiny phalange in the first digit of the hand. “With a breakthrough like this, who knows what else might one day be possible? Multiple fingers? A broken toe? We are truly at the edge of a whole new frontier.” Doctors later reported that the patient with the repaired thumb had died from an infection, but said such tragedies would be less frequent as the radical surgery gradually became more common.
Poll Finds 78% Of Americans Would Vote For Liberty Bell #~# EAST LANSING, MI—Reflecting the American electorate’s increasing openness to unconventional political candidates, a new poll released by Michigan State University on Monday found that 78 percent of Americans would vote for the Liberty Bell in a presidential election. “A large majority of those surveyed said they could see themselves casting a vote for the iconic bell, citing their admiration for its strong outsider perspective and independence from established political parties,” said head pollster Kevin Han, adding that many respondents were impressed with the work it had done locally in Philadelphia and view the 2,080-pound bell as truly embodying the classic American values they hold dear. “About 68 percent thought it could restore dignity to the office, 42 percent thought it would represent the country well overseas, and 57 percent said they could see themselves getting a beer with it. Admiration for the widespread celebrity it’s attained by appearing on commemorative stamps and monetary notes also played a major role in determining support.” Han went on to say that most of the 22 percent who didn’t support the bell cited the large crack on its face as a deal-breaker.
E-Cigarettes Encourage Children To Smoke But Help Adults Quit #~# A new comprehensive survey has found that e-cigarettes likely increase the risk of smoking regular tobacco products in children, but also can aid adult smokers in weaning themselves from addiction. What do you think?
Tesla Model S Crashes Into Fire Truck While On Autopilot #~# The federal government is gathering information on an accident in which a Tesla Model S plowed into a fire truck at 65 mph while using autopilot. What do you think?
Trump Insists He Never Thought About Firing Mueller, Feeding Him To Pack Of Rabid Dogs, Mounting Head In Oval Office As Trophy #~# DAVOS—Maintaining that the notion didn’t even cross his mind, President Trump reportedly insisted Friday that he never once thought about firing Robert Mueller, feeding him to a pack of rabid dogs, and mounting his head in the Oval Office as a trophy. “At no point did I ever consider firing Mr. Mueller, tossing his body to snarling, mangy hounds, and having his head stuffed and mounted front and center above the Oval Office fireplace,” said Trump, dismissing several reports that he had ordered the special counsel to be terminated from his post and torn limb from limb by starving Rottweilers before nailing his skull to a wooden plaque, but backed off when a top White House lawyer threatened to quit. “It’s also totally ridiculous to think that I would ever want Mueller gone for good, boiled alive, and chopped up into bloody chunks. The stories you’re hearing about me trying to get rid of Mueller and then gutting him with a rusty ice pick are absolutely not true.” At press time, Trump asserted that if he ever did one day decide to forcibly castrate Mueller and set him on fire, it would be fully within his authority as president.
Woman Apologizes To Therapist For Monopolizing Conversation #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—Acknowledging that she had self-centeredly done almost all of the talking, area woman Rebecca Walsh apologized to her therapist Friday for monopolizing their conversation. “Sorry—God, I’m not even letting you get a word in edgewise—but I just thought of something really hurtful my mom said to me when I was growing up,” said Walsh, speaking rapidly in hopes of getting the revelation of her childhood trauma out of the way so that her therapist could participate equally in their session. “Seriously, if I’m talking too much, feel free to just tell me to shut up. Sometimes, when I get going about the day my dad walked out on us, I just start blathering on and on, which I know isn’t fair to you.” At press time, Walsh was making a point to ask her therapist if she also occasionally felt lonely and invited her to talk about it.
Brad Pitt Stumbles Across Old Cardboard Box With Gwyneth Paltrow’s Head In Attic #~# LOS ANGELES—Making the discovery while searching his attic for a pair of rarely worn snow pants, actor Brad Pitt on Friday reportedly stumbled across an old cardboard box containing the severed head of Gwyneth Paltrow. “Oh man, I totally forgot about this up here! Right after we broke up I never wanted to see it again, but now I’m glad I held on to it—really takes me back to some good times,” said Pitt, judging from the missing teeth and dented cranium that movers must have dropped the box at some point. “I remember when I had it up on my mantle for a while, until it was too painful to be around. [Morgan] Freeman is going to get a real kick out of it when I tell him.” At press time, Pitt had decided to bring the head downstairs in case his kids wanted to play with it.
New AcneFree Treatment Ships Teens To Remote Island Colony For Remainder Of Puberty #~# NEW YORK—Offering young acne sufferers the means to clear up their skin in nonjudgmental privacy, a new AcneFree treatment unveiled Friday will ship teens to a remote island colony for the remainder of puberty. “We’re excited to provide pimpled teenagers with the opportunity to spend their adolescence ridding themselves of their acne on a secluded island,” said spokesperson Julian Shepherd, adding that for just $25.99, teens can sequester themselves from the embarrassment of mainland life until their condition has been fully alleviated. “While other treatments dry out your skin, the saltwater air of our tropical colony will rejuvenate your face each and every day. It doesn’t matter if you have cystic acne or a few breakouts—fresher, healthier skin is only a Cessna flight away.” Shepherd went on to say that any patient who reached the age of 20 and still had lingering blackheads would be flown back home free of charge.
Freshman Emails Every Claudia On Campus To Find Missed Tinder Match #~# After accidentally swiping left rather than right, a Missouri State freshman emailed every student on campus with the name Claudia in an effort to connect with her using the only information he knew. What do you think?
Senator Will Become First To Give Birth In Office #~# Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth announced this week that she is pregnant with her second child, which will make her the first serving U.S. Senator to give birth while in office. What do you think?
Outback Employees Return From Mandatory 6-Month Walkabout In Australian Wilderness #~# NULLARBOR PLAIN, AUSTRALIA—Having completed the ritualistic journey from inexperienced trainees to enlightened servers, hostesses, and line cooks, employees at Outback Steakhouse reportedly returned from their mandatory six-month walkabout in the Australian wilderness Thursday. “This rite of passage, in which participants spend half a year traversing the arid bush and salt pans of Australia’s vast, remote heartland, is required of all trainees before they take on any shifts to ensure they are spiritually in tune with the bold flavors and signature dishes that keep our customers coming back,” said Outback CEO Elizabeth Smith of the miles-long journey that forces those undertaking it to learn the skills necessary to make a Bloomin’ Onion or Kiwi ’Rita while having to live off the land and protect themselves from the harsh climate and dangerous wildlife of the continent’s interior tundra. “Of the 80 who were sent out into the sand plains of the subtropical savannah with nothing but their uniforms and a pair of tongs, 17 unfortunately didn’t make it back due to starvation, dehydration, and snake bites; however, 53 successfully returned, having formed a powerful awareness of our famous Aussie-tizers and Joey Menu. These employees left without the slightest clue about the selection of meats we grill on the barbie, but after spending hours under the blistering sun in the dune fields without a map or compass, they have returned and made the healing transition to fully matured members of the Outback team.” Smith went on to say that, despite their achievements, half of the employees who completed the journey later failed to pass the mandatory drug test.
Lucky Bastard Gets To Be In Coma #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Noting that “everything is coming up roses” for the man in a prolonged state of deep unconsciousness, sources reportedly expressed feelings of envy Thursday toward local lucky bastard Peter Marden who gets to be in a coma. “That lucky son of a bitch—I wish I could relax all the time like that,” said area woman Susan Bischoff, sighing longingly after glimpsing her cousin’s reclined, motionless body currently hooked up to a vital signs monitor and feeding tube. “He doesn’t have to work or talk to anybody or open his eyes. Plus, he never has to decide what to eat or even chew. He’s basically on a year-and-a-half vacation where he gets to chill in bed all day while his friends and family bring him balloons and flowers. That fucker gets all the breaks.” At press time, doctors confirmed that the lucky bastard hit the jackpot again and would remain in a coma for at least six months longer than expected.
Mom Getting Pretty Into New Tyler, The Creator Album #~# LENEXA, KS—Saying she considered it his best work yet, local mom Arianne Caluso told her son Jack on Thursday that she has been getting pretty into the new Tyler, The Creator album. “Oh, Jack, honey, I’ve been listening to Flower Boy almost nonstop for the past few days—it’s just fabulous!” said Caluso, 54, of the 26-year-old rapper’s fourth studio album, praising the production quality of the beats, especially on her favorite track “Who Dat Boy,” and explaining that she thought it was “real neat” how he evolved from his shock rap, horrorcore-inspired roots to produce something deeper and more sentimental. “I remember being into Bastard when it came out and then falling off after the next few albums, but it’s clear on this new one that he’s grown past Odd Future and started to develop his voice as a solo artist. Oh, and A$AP Rocky and Weezy are also featured on it, which is absolutely lovely!” Caluso reportedly also encouraged her son to make sure to check out the new Lil Uzi Vert single while he’s at it.
Dazed Jeff Bezos Realizes He Spent Entire Conversation Thinking About How To Automate Person Talking To Him #~# SEATTLE—Suddenly snapping back to attention, a dazed Jeff Bezos reportedly realized Thursday that he had spent an entire conversation thinking about how to automate the person talking to him. “Sorry, could you repeat that? I just lost focus for a second [as I indifferently watched you open and close your mouth, becoming increasingly aware of the fact that a simple machine could do the exact same things as you],” Bezos said to the Amazon vice president in front of him, even as he resumed brainstorming a complex algorithm that would streamline the executive’s duties, perform them with greater speed and efficiency, and possibly even capture some of his unique human qualities to make it user-friendly. “Whoops, there I go again. I must’ve spaced out [after realizing I could probably render you completely irrelevant within just a few years]. I guess I’m really distracted today [by the tantalizing thought of an automaton executing every one of your relevant functions for no salary with never a single complaint].” Bezos, who suddenly recalled a series of vivid dreams from the previous night in which he automated the entire American workforce, went on to apologize for not getting much sleep.
CDC Issues Warning Of Full-Blown Epidemic Of The Blahs #~# ATLANTA—Urging Americans to help prevent the overall yucky feeling from continuing to spread unchecked, the CDC issued a warning Thursday of a full-blown epidemic of the blahs. “We urge you to seek medical attention the second you start to experience ickiness or feel sorta meh,” said CDC director Brenda Fitzgerald, explaining that, to be treated, this rapidly accelerating strain of the blahs must be caught before the “you’re, like, ‘ugh’ stage.” “Take heed of the common warning signs, such as feeling all-around kinda gross or having a day where you’re just in some kind of funk. Otherwise, the blahs can worsen into a general sense of cruddiness or suddenly getting all sad, which, of course, is far more difficult to address.” At press time, the CDC had ordered a quarantine of 43 million Americans who reported one of those things where you just want to go home, get in bed, and not really do anything.
American Girl Recalls 50,000 Dolls With Chainsaws For Hands #~# EL SEGUNDO, CA—After receiving hundreds of injury reports from parents across the nation, American Girl announced Thursday that it has decided to recall 50,000 dolls with chainsaws for hands. “Due to a factory error at our plants, thousands of our signature ‘Maryellen’ dolls were accidentally sent out with small chainsaws where her hands should be, so we’d like to ask anyone who purchased one—batch number A6123—to immediately take them away from their children and file a claim on our website to receive a full refund,” said vice president of global retail Wade Opland, adding that the sharp metal teeth attached to the rotating chains pose a significant risk for lacerations, and that the company would like to be proactive before any serious incidents occur. “We at American Girl offer our deepest apologies for the manufacturing oversight and are currently revising our quality assurance standards to ensure something like this doesn’t happen again.” According to sources, this is the company’s worst recall since the accidental distribution of “Caroline” dolls that had flamethrowers for eyes.
Pros And Cons Of Privatized Space Travel #~# Over the last decade, private companies like Virgin Galactic and SpaceX have begun to challenge government-run programs conducting space exploration and investigating the possibility of establishing life on other planets. The Onion outlines the pros and cons of privatized space travel.
Vermont Governor Legalizes Marijuana #~# Vermont Governor Phil Scott has made history by signing marijuana legalization into law, making it the first state to do so by legislation. What do you think?
‘The Shape Of Water’ Leads Oscar Nominations With 13 #~# Guillermo Del Toro’s supernatural romance The Shape of Water has received 13 Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, placing it ahead of war drama Dunkirk and dark comedy Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri. What do you think?
Area Man Thinks Movie He Saw Should Have Been Nominated #~# HERNANDO, MS—Saying it was outrageously unfair that the film wasn’t up for any awards, area man Lawrence Kent said Wednesday that he thinks the movie he saw should have been nominated for an Oscar. “That secret agent movie I saw should definitely have been nominated,” Kent said indignantly of Kingsman: The Golden Circle, the single film he watched in a theater last year, which reportedly featured numerous “cool action scenes” and “really good acting.” “It had the best script. It totally kicked ass. Seriously, what is the Academy thinking?” Kent went on to say that the snub was just as much of an injustice as when X-Men: Apocalypse, the single movie he saw in 2016, also didn’t receive any nominations.
Dancing, Pantsless Rex Tillerson Slides Across Floor Of Empty State Department #~# WASHINGTON—Leaping out from behind a wall as Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock and Roll” blared from the building’s intercom, a pantless Secretary of State Rex Tillerson slid across the waxed marble floors of the completely empty State Department, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Werner Herzog: I Killed And Ate Timothy Treadwell In 2003 #~# LOS ANGELES—Shedding new light on the tragic ending to his critically acclaimed portrait of the animal activist, filmmaker Werner Herzog told reporters Wednesday that he killed and ate Timothy Treadwell in 2003. “I should finally say that during the filming of my documentary Grizzly Man, I mauled Timothy Treadwell to death and then devoured his remains,” said Herzog, admitting after 15 years that it was in fact he and not the grizzly bears of Katmai National Park who sunk his teeth into Treadwell’s neck, ripped out his jugular, and feasted on his organs. “Timothy and his girlfriend Amie Huguenard were setting up camp by a salmon stream when I approached them, aggressively batted them around, and then tore them limb-from-limb while they screamed. His judgment was perhaps clouded by his optimistic view of nature, which, in the end, sadly led to me picking his bones clean.” Herzog went on to say that the most tragic part of the story was that, after years of integration, Treadwell felt he had finally gained his trust.
Newborn Has Father’s Asshole #~# GOODYEAR, AZ—Acknowledging that the resemblance was quite striking, local grandmother Dorothy Hanson told reporters Wednesday that her newborn grandchild Dylan definitely has his father Jack’s asshole. “Oh my goodness, you certainly are the spitting image of your daddy,” said Hanson while changing the baby’s diaper, taking note of how the infant’s “cute little button” anus looked identical to his father’s. “He even scrunches it up the same way as his dad, and it’s the exact same shade of brown-pink. It’s like I’m looking at Jack!” Hanson added that, despite the father and son having indistinguishable assholes, she had no idea where the baby’s penis came from.
‘Wonder Woman 2’ First Film To Implement New Anti-Sexual Harassment Guidelines #~# Wonder Woman 2 will be the first movie to implement new Producer’s Guide of America recommendations for combating sexual harassment, which include having an advocate constantly on set ready to hear any claims or concerns. What do you think?
NASA Issues Formal Apology For 1969 Genocide Of Moon Natives #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the long-overdue gesture was a step towards atoning for the space agency’s past transgressions, NASA issued a formal apology Wednesday for the 1969 genocide of the moon’s native population. “The time has come to recognize NASA’s detestable role in the massacre of the moon’s original inhabitants,” said NASA spokesperson Natalie Warheit, adding that the blood of countless indigenous moon natives would forever be on the organization’s hands. “When we first set foot upon the moon, we found a thriving and peaceful civilization that welcomed our astronauts as friends and even worshipped Neil Armstrong as a god. Shamefully, we exploited their trust by slaughtering thousands, indirectly killing even more by exposing them to Earth diseases against which they had no defense, and then burying them all in mass graves by the Mare Serenitatis basin. NASA apologizes unequivocally for these atrocities.” At press time, NASA had also issued an apology for its role in toppling the democratic government of Neptune during the Voyager 2 mission.
Senate Reaches Deal To End Government Shutdown #~# Democrats in the Senate have voted to end a three-day budget shutdown after receiving assurances from Republican leaders that they will soon tackle a bill to keep immigrant “Dreamers” in the country. What do you think?
Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren Assure Dreamers They’ll Never Stop Fighting For The 2020 Nomination #~# WASHINGTON—Following the passage of a temporary government funding bill approved by many Democrats that did not include protections for immigrants brought illegally to U.S. as children, Senators Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, and Elizabeth Warren reportedly assured Dreamers Tuesday that they will never stop fighting for the 2020 presidential nomination. “To all Dreamers who are concerned about their future in this country, I promise that I will do absolutely everything in my power to secure the Democratic Party nomination two years from now,” said Booker, echoing the sentiments of Harris and Warren, as well as fellow Senators Kirsten Gillibrand and Bernie Sanders, in his pledge to take a stand and keep battling on behalf of his presidential aspirations until the 2020 Democratic National Convention. “I want all Dreamers to know that while times are tough right now, and it may be difficult to envision the day when I’ve secured enough primary votes to become the nominee, they should not give up hope. I voted against this stopgap funding bill, just as I will vote against any bill that would do anything to decrease my chances of becoming the 46th president of the United States.” At press time, Booker, Harris, and Warren were leading a rally on the Capitol steps calling for a legislative solution that once and for all would resolve their status as frontrunners for their party’s nomination.
Episode 1: A Perfect Murder #~# In the first episode of The Onion and Onion Public Radio’s inaugural podcast “A Very Fatal Murder,” longtime OPR reporter David Pascall, who has searched tirelessly for the most resonant true-crime podcast that is also about middle America, heads to Bluff Springs, NE where the small town is reeling from the death of 17-year-old Hayley Price.
Constantly Worrying What Other People Think About Your War Crimes Is No Way To Live Your Life #~# You know, it can be difficult to remain true to your deepest convictions and live life on your own terms. But I think we can all agree, it’s always better to be yourself and follow your dreams rather than end up with a lifetime of regret for all the things you didn’t do. It’s easy to lose sight of what’s really important, and those are the times when you have to turn inward, to an unshakeable place deep within you, and remind yourself that worrying about what other people think of your war crimes is no way to spend your all-too-short time on this planet.
‘Your Father Died Peacefully In His Sleep,’ Assures Hospice Nurse Who Spent Past 6 Months Watching Man Wither Away In Agony #~# SELIGMAN, AZ—In an attempt to console the family of the deceased, Mountain View Hospice nurse Sam Bakshi—who watched his patient wither away for half a year in unrelenting torment—told relatives of the late Dennis Ridges on Tuesday that the man had died peacefully in his sleep. “I know this is a difficult time, but I wanted you to know that when Dennis left us, he was resting comfortably in bed,” said Bakshi, who has spent nearly every day since July listening to Ridges howl in agony, culminating with him convulsing violently and going into cardiac arrest despite several frantic attempts to resuscitate him. “You should take comfort in knowing that it was a very gentle way to go. I’d even call it a best-case scenario, given the circumstances.” Bakshi went on to tell relatives that Ridges, who by the end was rendered completely incoherent by a powerful cocktail of painkillers and sedatives, had spent his last waking hours sending his love to each and every family member by name.
A Timeline Of The World Economic Forum #~# The World Economic Forum, held every year in Davos, Switzerland, brings together hundreds of the planet’s most powerful political leaders, economists, and thinkers to discuss pressing world issues. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the WEF’s 47-year history.
Local Woman Considers Telling Gynecologist Whole Truth #~# ST. LOUIS—Taking a moment to consider the possibility that having an honest conversation with her doctor may actually be beneficial, local woman Denise Bowers said Tuesday that she was thinking about telling her gynecologist the whole truth. “Maybe this time I’ll just bite the bullet and let her know everything,” said Bowers, who sat in the waiting room ahead of her appointment and quietly contemplated the prospect of openly detailing her symptoms to her gynecologist for the first time in her sexually active life. “On the other hand, she’s a professional, so she’ll probably figure it out herself, right? I mean, maybe I can strike a balance by answering truthfully any direct questions she asks but not volunteering any information on my own.” At press time, Bowers was mentally calculating the precise amount of information she would have to divulge in order to obtain powerful prescription antibiotics.
Amazon To Open Grocery Store Without Checkout To Public #~# Amazon Go, a grocery store that uses hundreds of cameras and a customer’s phone to eliminate checking out, opens to the public this week. What do you think?
Police Find 1,600 Pounds Of Cocaine Smuggled In Pineapples #~# Authorities in Spain and Portugal found a massive stash of cocaine transported inside hollowed-out pineapples during a raid that also took down nine gang members responsible for the criminal operation. What do you think?
Report: Girl Who Called You A Slut In High School Posting Passionate Status About Women’s March #~# CHICAGO—Recalling how the former classmate would ruthlessly prey on insecurities, sources confirmed Monday that the girl who repeatedly called you a slut in high school was posting a passionate Facebook status about the Women’s March. “I had the most amazing time out there with my sisters, and it really proved that when women stand together, we can change the world,” wrote the woman who made your life a living hell for four years and once called you a skank in front of the entire cafeteria. “It’s now important more than ever for women to be great role models for every young girl. The progress we make today will change the lives of women for generations to come.” At press time, your former tormenter, who had scrawled the phrase “blowjob bitch” on your locker after noticing you sat next to her ex-boyfriend during a school assembly, posted an impassioned reminder for all women to stay strong in the face of adversity.
47-Second Clip From ‘Family Ties’ Season 3 Now Available On YouTube #~# SAN BRUNO, CA—Touting the prestigious addition to their comedy portfolio, executives from YouTube announced Monday that a 47-second clip from the third season of Family Ties is now available on their video-sharing website. “We’re so proud to bring to the viewing public this iconic moment in which Alex P. Keaton leaps atop the kitchen counter after spotting a mouse,” said YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki of the nearly minute-long clip excerpted from the season three episode entitled “Don’t Kiss Me, I’m Only The Messenger.” “It is an honor to share this hilarious back-and-forth between the eldest Keaton son and his sisters Jennifer and Mallory as they argue over where the mouse may have gone. Millions of viewers around the world will now be able to experience the joy of watching as Alex claims to be looking for the mouse behind a wall-mounted fixture, when in reality, he’s simply frightened by the harmless rodent.” Wojcicki went on to say that YouTube planned to release an extended three-minute version of the clip by early summer.
Mom Saw A Bunch Of Photos From Women’s March Online #~# PITTSBURGH—Expressing how inspired she was by the images from the gathering, local mom Susan Krieps told her daughter on the phone Monday that she had seen a bunch of photos from the 2018 Women’s March online. “Wow, there were so many women there,” said Krieps, recounting how she had scrolled through a slideshow one of her friends shared on Facebook containing photos of the march, which she explained occurred in a “bunch of different cities” and featured “some pretty famous speakers.” “It’s so nice to see all the ladies getting together like that for a good cause. The signs were great too. A lot of them were funny, but I have to say a few of them were a bit much.” Krieps added that she had ordered one of the pink hats online, and would order one for her daughter if she wanted.
Study: Uttering Phrase, ‘Marriage Is Hard Work,’ Number One Predictor Of Divorce #~# COLLEGE PARK, MD—Calling it the most reliable sign of an at-risk marriage, a study released Monday by the University of Maryland found that uttering the phrase, “Marriage is hard work,” was the number one predictor of divorce. “Our research shows that expressing a sentiment such as, ‘No one said marriage would be easy,’ is, in the vast majority of cases, an indicator that a bitter, acrimonious divorce is inevitable,” said lead researcher Grant Evelich, noting that, above all else, a marriage is most likely to fall apart after one partner insists with an air of authority that a healthy marriage is about making difficult sacrifices or learning to compromise with your spouse. “We also found that asserting, ‘No relationship is a walk in the park,’ or that, ‘There will always be rough patches,’ makes it three times as difficult to stay in your marriage. The figures suggest, furthermore, that anyone who states that their wedding vows require them to, ‘Stick together through the tough times,’ is, in fact, likely to be divorced within six months.” Evelich went on to say that invoking the aphorism, “Sometimes people grow apart,” is the number one indicator that the divorce was entirely that person’s fault.
Employee Apparently Confident Enough In Job Performance To Eat Snacks During Meeting #~# BISMARCK, ND—In what office sources called a bold move, local employee Brian Conlon was apparently confident enough in his job performance Thursday to eat snacks during a meeting. “Wow, he must be pretty certain in his ability to do his job well for him to loudly munch on snacks like that in the middle of the department strategy meeting,” said coworker Sam Rosenbloom, adding that Conlon shoveling chips into his mouth while their boss discussed plans for rebounding from poor Q4 sales numbers would only happen if he was absolutely convinced of his own competency, output, and work ethic. “Brian clearly seems to think he’s indispensable around here. Why else would he open that noisy bag right when the boss announced that the company needed to tighten its belt in the coming months while it restructures? Good for him, I guess.” At press time, Conlon grabbed a bag of candy from the vending machine before cockily walking into a one-on-one meeting with his boss to be fired.
God Recalls 1983 Speedboat Accident That Sent Him To Heaven #~# THE HEAVENS—Acknowledging that He had been behaving recklessly that night, God, Our Holy Father, recalled Monday the speedboat accident in 1983 that originally sent Him to heaven. “The last thing I remember was tearing across Lake Winnepesaukah in a Jr. Executive 21 JRV with my buddy Dave and suddenly slamming right into an outcropping of rocks,” said the Almighty, admitting that He was to blame for not wearing a life jacket and having “a few too many wine coolers.” “Well, next thing I know, I’m in eternal paradise, and I’ve been here ever since. It’s pretty cool, and there’s enough stuff going on that I hardly ever think about getting back on a speedboat.” God went on to say that adjusting to heaven had been relatively easy since his good friend Dave had arrived mere seconds after He did.
2017 Second-Hottest Year On Record #~# A new NASA analysis revealed that—even without warming caused by El Niño—2017 was the second-hottest year since modern record keeping began, and that 17 of the 18 warmest years have happened since 2001. What do you think?
Researchers Say That First Warning Sign Of Alcoholism Generally Driving Over Curb, Plowing Through Fire Hydrant, And Crashing Into Aquarium #~# ATHENS, OH—According to a three-year study published Friday by researchers at the University of Ohio, the first warning sign of alcoholism is usually driving over a curb, plowing through a fire hydrant, and crashing into an oversized aquarium. “That data strongly suggest that the earliest indication you may have a dependence on alcohol is when your car lurches onto the sidewalk, goes flying through the plate glass window of a pet store, and comes to a rest sticking halfway out of a shattered fish tank,” said lead researcher Brian Towsen, adding that most participants in the study first acknowledged they might have a drinking problem while watching gallons of water and aquarium rocks pour in through their car’s broken windshield. “In the majority of cases, subjects still remained unaware of their alcohol abuse even as they burst through the wooden exit arm of a parking garage at full speed and flipped their car on a concrete barricade—but by the time they were peeling sea urchins off of their shirts while floating in a 1,000-gallon saltwater habitat with angel fish circling their feet, almost 90 percent had made a decision to seek help.” The study also found that the first sign of a cocaine addiction was usually breaking both legs while attempting to leap from a third-story balcony into a jacuzzi during a hotel party.
Fired-Up Patriots Ready To Give Full 60, Maybe 70% Against Jacksonville #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring that the team knew exactly what it would take to win, fired-up Patriots players told reporters Sunday they were ready to give a full 60, maybe 70 percent against Jacksonville. “We are pumped for this showdown, and the Jags are going to see two-thirds, maybe three-fourths of our best—if the game seems close,” said Rob Gronkowski, who revealed the Patriots have been going pretty decently hard in practice all week while devoting whole minutes to watching game tape on the Jaguars defense. “It’s going to take nothing less than perfectly average execution to prevail today. Coach [Belichick] got us jacked up when he told us that if want to get past Jacksonville, he was going to need our B, or possibly B-minus game.” Gronkowski added that he wouldn’t be happy with his performance today unless he left about half of what he has out on the field.
Apple Plans To Create 20,000 New Jobs, Build New Campus #~# Partially owing to a recent massive tax break, tech giant Apple will return billions of dollars from tax havens to the United States and create an estimated 20,000 new jobs while investing $30 billion in the U.S. economy. What do you think?
Study Reveals Lobsters Feel Pain And Get Off On It Like The Kinky Little Perverts They Are #~# DURHAM, NH—A new study released Friday by researchers at the University of New Hampshire’s Aquatic Institute revealed that lobsters are capable of feeling pain, and, what’s more, get off it on like the sick little fucking perverts they are. “Our experiments confirmed that lobsters are most likely able to experience physical suffering, and, beyond that, seem to be such dirty little freaks that they get a kind of sexual high from being cooked alive,” said study co-author Dr. Adrianne Williams, adding that from the moment a lobster spots the pot of scalding water, researchers were able to detect a sort of irresistible carnal yearning in their beady eyestalks, practically begging for ever-higher temperatures to satisfy their depraved kinks. “In fact, we’ve discovered these marine deviants turn red when boiled, because they feel sexually humiliated to the point of climax and are craving more pain to push them over the edge. It turns out lobsters are some very fucked-up crustaceans.” Williams added that the most aberrant of such sea creatures are not only conscious of their ultimate fate of being cracked open, dunked in butter, and devoured piece-by-piece by humans, but actually seem to desire that end as some sort of revolting fetish.
Report: Friend Doing Sober January Must Have Really Fucked Shit Up Over Holidays #~# MONTCLAIR, NJ—Noting the incident had to be seriously messed up to make the regular drinker stop all of a sudden, friends of local man Tom Barrack reported Friday that he must have really fucked shit up over the holidays if he’s doing a sober January. “Tom puts booze away like nobody else, so something really fucking major must have gone down if he’s giving it up for a whole month,” said Aaron Fitzpatrick, adding that his friend didn’t even think about quitting when he fell down those stairs a few years back, so “shit must have really hit the fan this time.” “I don’t know if it was an out-of-control Christmas party or what, but it obviously rattled the hell out of him. When you ask him about it, he just gets quiet and says something vague about ‘just cooling off for a few weeks,’ which you know means it was something pretty fucking scary.” At press time, Fitzpatrick realized the situation must be even worse than he imagined after his friend announced he’d be swearing off alcohol at least through June and maybe indefinitely.
Michigan Restaurant Selling $180 Tacos #~# M Cantina, a restaurant in Dearborn, Michigan, is reportedly selling upscale tacos featuring foie gras, grasshoppers, and shaved black truffle and for $60, with a required 3 taco order that brings a single meal to a minimum of $180. What do you think?
‘At Least Days Getting Longer,’ Squeaks Tiny Inner Voice Drowned Out By Rest Of Worries #~# BOSTON—Stressing the importance of looking on the bright side despite how things might seem right now, a tiny, pathetic voice reportedly squeaked, “At least the days are getting longer,” Friday before being drowned out by the litany of worries and fears continually roaring within your mind. “Hey, there’s still some nice weather to look forward to, right?” said the pipsqueak inner monologue before being utterly obliterated by the maelstrom of doubts, anxieties, and uncertainty that swirl around at all times inside your skull, constantly drowning you in a nauseous sense of existential dread and self-doubt. “Buck up, ol’ pal—these rough times can’t last forever!” At press time, sources confirmed that the pitiful little voice had made one final peep of, “Keep on chugging, buddy,” before being swallowed whole by a vortex of unrelenting despair from which it will never emerge.
Man Wishes Women In Crowded Bar Would Let Him Read Jane Austen Novel In Peace #~# MODESTO, CA—Frustrated with the nonstop unwanted intrusions, local man Russell Goldin wished Thursday that the women in crowded O’Donnell’s Pub would let him read his Jane Austen novel in peace. “Jesus, will all these women just go away and let me enjoy Pride And Prejudice without being constantly interrupted,” said Goldin, explaining that just because he’s smiling and shaking his head as he reads the book in view of female bar patrons doesn’t mean he wants to be hit on. “Every single time I start becoming enraptured by an exquisitely rendered piece of British drollery, I’m pulled out of it by some lady trying to ask me what I’m reading. I came here to drink red wine and be transported to the world of the 18th-century British landed gentry, not make flirtatious small talk.” At press time, Goldin was forced to give a fake number to a woman who approached him asking if he would be interested in discussing Austen over dinner sometime.
North And South Korean Teams To March Together In Winter Olympics #~# In a milestone toward thawing relations between the nations, North and South Korea will march under one flag and field a unified ice hockey team in the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics. What do you think?
Ophthalmologist Instructs Patient Not To Look At Anything 24 Hours Before Eye Surgery #~# BOSTON—Stressing the importance of taking the necessary precautions ahead of the procedure, ophthalmologist Brett Patel reportedly instructed his patient Alice Wahlberg Thursday not to look at anything 24 hours before her upcoming eye surgery. “In order to ensure optimal operating conditions, it’s very important to avoid taking in any visuals the day before your canaloplasty,” said Patel, explaining that maintaining a completely empty eyeball would make it easier for surgeons to navigate around the iris. “Restrict your intake to some light glancing 48 hours before, and by midnight the day of, you shouldn’t be consuming any images whatsoever. This includes panoramas and vistas, as well as any and all shapes, patterns, and colors.” At press time, a frustrated Wahlberg had been forced to reschedule her surgery after gorging on an entire sunset.
Aspiring Actor Dreams Of One Day Publicly Voicing Regret For Working With Woody Allen #~# LOS ANGELES—Explaining that it would be a landmark moment in her career, local aspiring actor Janine Caballero told reporters Thursday that she dreams of one day publicly voicing regret for working with Woody Allen. “Ever since I started acting, my wish has always been to land a role in a film directed by Woody Allen and then some months later release a statement expressing my remorse for taking the job and offering an apology to any women I may have inadvertently hurt,” said Caballero, adding that she has always fantasized about promising to never work with him again and then donating the salary she earned from starring in one of his trademark romantic comedies to a nonprofit combating sexual abuse. “From a professional standpoint, there’s nothing I want more than to go on 60 Minutes or a late-night talk show and explain how I never would have worked with Allen if I had the information I have now. Recounting how I took the role when I was younger and not secure enough in my career to speak up would really put me in the rare company of some actors I admire tremendously.” Caballero went on to say, however, that she wasn’t above deeply regretting appearing in a high-budget blockbuster directed by someone like Brett Ratner.
CVS To End Major Touch-Ups On Beauty Models #~# Pharmaceutical giant CVS has announced plans to eliminate all touch-ups of models for their cosmetic, skincare, and hair products by 2020. What do you think?
Tearful Elon Musk Warns About Dangers Of AI After Having Heart Broken By Beautiful Robotrix #~# HAWTHORNE, CA—Saying he now knows firsthand what painful consequences await such reckless behavior, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk held a press conference Thursday to warn the public about the dangers of artificial intelligence after having his heart broken by a beautiful robotrix. “You may be tempted, as I was, to open yourself up to a relationship with an AI-equipped automaton, but do not be fooled: It will be cruel and heartless, and you’ll be all alone once it’s finished with you,” said Musk, adding through stifled sobs that although his time performing preliminary tests with the robotrix was “sheer bliss,” he now regards such machines as a “fundamental, existential risk to love.” “Humanity can put everything it’s got into making the relationship work, but artificial intelligence will crush us in the end. When it’s all over, we, the unlucky ones of flesh and blood, will always be the ones who suffer.” At press time, however, Musk was spotted at a cozy café with a new robotrix, telling reporters that with upgrades to its processor, this time will definitely be different.
Leading Probability Researchers Confounded By Three Coworkers Wearing Same Shirt Color On Same Day #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Saying the likelihood of such a phenomenon occurring was near impossible, leading probability researchers told reporters Wednesday that they were confounded by reports that three coworkers at a Nashville-area office were wearing the same shirt color on the same day. “The entire statistics community is absolutely reeling—the unthinkable has apparently happened,” said MIT’s Dan Felder, noting that no theories or formulas currently exist that could explain the fact that three coworkers at software development company QData arrived at work wearing shirts the exact same shade of maroon. “We at least have models for something like two people coming to work wearing the same shoes or both getting a haircut the day before, but this is the equivalent of lightning striking in the same place hundreds of times in a row. We’re going to have to go back to the drawing board on probability analysis entirely.” At press time, desperate researchers had reached out to the coworkers directly in the hopes of learning that what had occurred was nothing but a coordinated stunt.
Bitcoin Falls 28% To 6-Week Low #~# Stoking fears of a potential cryptocurrency bubble, bitcoin has fallen in value below $10,000, bringing it to its lowest level since mid-December. What do you think?
Follow-Up Tests Confirm President Trump’s 19 Other Personalities Also Perfectly Healthy #~# WASHINGTON—After yesterday’s announcement that the president received a perfect score on his cognitive assessment, White House physician Ronny L. Jackson told reporters Wednesday that follow-up tests confirmed that President Trump’s 19 other personalities are also perfectly healthy. “After an extensive psychological evaluation, we’ve determined that Tommy JoJo, Professor O’Shannassy, Officer Pittz, and each of the president’s 16 other identities are in good condition,” said Jackson, adding that each distinct psychic identity, from Little Holly Anne Tibblseby to DJ Pump ’Em Up, demonstrated robust mental acuity, emotional stability, and memory function. “Despite the advanced age of Ol’ Jack the 70-year-old New York cabby and Civil War colonel Virgil Conway, none of President Trump’s personalities exhibited signs of neurological deterioration. Even 3-year-old Jacky demonstrated the clarity and intellectual fitness required to handle the presidency.” At press time, however, Jackson reported the emergence of a volatile Fred Trump personality, which was in a constant state of agitation and which left the president exhausted long after it returned control of his mind.
Huckabee Sanders Repeatedly Insists That President’s Footprints Created The Great Lakes #~# WASHINGTON—Chastising the assembled reporters for failing to cover the story, press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders repeatedly insisted Wednesday that President Trump’s footprints created the Great Lakes. “In its relentless effort to undermine this administration, the media has completely ignored the fact that Lake Huron and Lake Ontario were formed when the gigantic, thundering footfalls of the president made impressions in the ground during a stroll along the U.S.-Canada border,” said Huckabee Sanders, adding that media outlets had willfully chosen not to acknowledge that the enormousness of Lake Superior was due to the president jumping up as high as the moon and landing on the earth with all his might. “Frankly, it’s disgusting that journalists are obsessed with the president’s health when they should know full well that when he was five years old, he was already so big that he had to use a wagon wheel as a coat button and so strong that he could clear a whole pond of bullfrogs with one holler.” At press time, however, Huckabee Sanders had amended her remarks, noting that Fox News had indeed reported that the president’s frustration with Democrats had led him to shed the massive teardrops that formed the Mississippi River.
Man Always Gets Emotional On Anniversary Of Father’s Death He Orchestrated #~# PHOENIX—Saying this time of year always dredges up memories of that fateful night, local man Alan Dahlgren admitted Wednesday he becomes emotional on the anniversary of his father’s passing, a death he personally orchestrated.
Scientist Find Genetic Basis For Bad Breath #~# By studying a range of individuals with persistent cabbage-scented breath, scientists have isolated a gene called SELENBP1 that generates sulphur-containing molecules and results in bad breath. What do you think?
New Report Finds Adult Film Star May Have Paid Over $130,000 To Cover Up Sexual Encounter With Trump #~# NEW YORK—Alleging she was deeply concerned about the destructive effect the revelation could have on her reputation, a new report released Tuesday suggests that adult film star Stormy Daniels may have paid over $130,000 to cover up a sexual encounter with Donald Trump. “Newly uncovered legal documents seem to indicate that Ms. Daniels paid out six figures to keep Trump quiet about a sexual encounter that undoubtedly would have proved embarrassing and perhaps career-threatening,” said report coauthor Wendy Thorpe, adding that the star of films such as Tit Happens and Love Potion 69 was so desperate to keep the liaison under wraps that she insisted on using pseudonyms in the settlement to protect her identity if it was ever discovered. “In addition to Ms. Daniels, we have identified at least four other women who each paid out more than $100,000 in order to bury humiliating stories about their potentially ruinous trysts with Trump. Understandably, each of the women was deeply concerned that he would go public and completely destroy their careers.” At press time, Daniel’s lawyers had issued a statement condemning the report and claiming that any insinuation of a sexual relationship between Donald Trump and their client was nothing more than a “shameful and outrageous” attempt to defame her.
Google Museum App Finds Users’ Fine Art Doppelgänger #~# An update to Google’s Arts and Culture app allows user to take a selfie and find a museum portrait that most closely matches their faces, a process developed using computer-vision technology. What do you think?
Study Finds Having It All Leading Indicator That Everything Will Come Crashing Down #~# BOULDER, CO—Suggesting a robust connection between success and ruin, a University of Colorado study released Tuesday found that having it all was a leading indicator that everything will come crashing down. “Our research has determined with a high level of certainty that making it to the top is the most reliable predictor of it all eventually going down in flames,” said lead author Dr. Mary Wilkerson, explaining that test subjects who had their world shattered almost always had all their dreams finally come true just beforehand. “It’s clear from the evidence that very few of those who climb their way to the top with blood, sweat, and tears escape having it all just fall apart. In fact, there was almost a perfect positive correlation between those who had everything slip away and those who once had the world in the palm of their hand.” Wilkerson went on to say that the only way to prevent everything you worked so hard for from crumbling before your very eyes was to have nothing to lose in the first place.
Hawaii's False Missile Alert Caused By Employee Pressing Wrong Button #~# Hawaiians were alarmed after the Emergency Management Agency accidentally sent out a message warning them of an inbound missile, which administrators say was caused by an employee selecting the wrong option in a dropdown menu for an internal test. What do you think?
New After-School Program Aims To Keep Children Off Streets For Additional 45 Minutes #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide students with at least a modicum of supervision in the afternoon, the Department of Education on Monday announced a new nationwide after-school program specifically aimed at keeping children off the streets for an additional 45 minutes. “This initiative will offer a safe environment for not quite an hour to children who do not immediately have access to a parent or guardian once classes let out,” said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, adding that a broad range of activities will be used to keep children engaged for exactly 45 minutes, after which they will be turned loose to roam completely unattended. “By delaying for a bit whatever dangers await the children off school grounds, this program will give concerned parents the temporary peace of mind that comes with knowing exactly where their kids are for a few more minutes each day.” At press time, funding cuts had resulted in the program being reduced to three days a week for 20 minutes, with an adult actually being present for only half that time.
Mom Hasn’t Said Full, Uninterrupted Sentence To Family Since 1997 #~# VICKSBURG, MS—Acknowledging that she hadn’t finished what she was saying in quite some time, family sources confirmed Monday that local mom Debra Garrison has not spoken a full, uninterrupted sentence to her family since 1997. According to witnesses, despite regularly contributing to conversations throughout the past 20-plus years, Garrison has failed to complete a single coherent thought before being talked over by one of her children or contradicted mid-sentence by her husband. Reports further indicate that the closest the 47-year-old mother of three has gotten to finishing a sentence in the past two decades was in 2003 when she said, “Hey, why don’t we get dinner at—,” just before her oldest daughter abruptly got up and walked out of the room. Recent accounts suggesting Garrison had at long last completed a sentence in the presence of her son were undermined by the discovery that he was wearing headphones and had not heard a single word.
Perfectly Good Dead Body Cremated #~# JACKSON, MS—Squandering the fresh and largely intact remains for no apparent reason whatsoever, sources reported Monday that a perfectly good body was cremated. “It’s a shame to see a nice corpse like this go to waste,” said mortician Ron Vidal, placing into the cremation chamber what he thought, despite missing a few teeth and light bruising here and there, was a body that was “practically good as new.” “There’s still a lot you can do with this, and they just want to incinerate it like some piece of garbage. And once it’s burned up, what good will it be to anyone? I guess people are willing to get rid of anything these days.” At press time, the now-useless ashes were just taking up space in an urn.
Man Annoyed By Travel Plaza’s Abridged Pizza Hut Menu #~# CRANBURY, NJ—Saying that a place had no business calling itself a Pizza Hut unless it had all the normal stuff, local motorist Ed Coleman was reportedly annoyed Wednesday to find an abridged menu after stopping at the New Jersey Turnpike’s Molly Pitcher Service Plaza. “What the fuck? I only did this exit because I wanted Pizza Hut, and here they go wasting my goddamn time with no stuffed crust and no garlic knots,” said Coleman, explaining that there was no way in hell he was ordering wings if the only dip options were marinara and ranch. “And how hard is it to do create-your-own pizza like every other Pizza Hut, huh? Seriously, when all you’ve got is cheese, pepperoni, or meat-lover’s, that’s hardly even a menu at all.” An irate Coleman added that if this goddamn Pizza Hut wanted to play games, there was a full-service Quiznos right next door.
Miracle Paycheck Lasts For 7 Whole Days #~# AMARILLO, TX—The sufficiency of its funds mysteriously defying any rational explanation, a miracle paycheck received a week ago by local woman Jennifer Callahan, 27, somehow lasted seven whole days, according to sources. “It was just one check, but every day when I went to look, there was still some money left,” a visibly awestruck Callahan said of the single deposit to her checking account, which against all odds allowed her to buy groceries, pay her electric bill, and put enough gas in her car to drive to work, a circumstance so extraordinary it suggested a divine intervention had occurred. “It’s truly a miracle. There’s no other explanation. That money should have run out days ago.” Callahan later confirmed that while the paycheck was indeed miraculous, its funds were still depleted a full week before her next paycheck was set to arrive.
Man Completely Blindsided By Seemingly Normal Stranger Telling Him To ‘Have A Blessed Day’ #~# HARTFORD, CT—Startled and unsure how to respond to the wholly unexpected remark, local man Caleb Borden was reportedly blindsided Thursday when a stranger and otherwise normal-seeming person suddenly told him to “have a blessed day.” “Here I am talking to someone I think is just a typical, ordinary guy, and then he hits me out of nowhere with this whole ‘blessed day’ thing,” Borden, 37, said of the friendly stranger who stopped to ask him for directions, confirming the man was dressed in plain, everyday clothes, had a calm demeanor, and did not give off any outward signs of being unusual in any way before employing the religious language. “It caught me completely off guard. You think you’re dealing with a regular person, no different than you or me, and then without any warning they go and throw something like that at you. I guess you really can’t judge a book by its cover.” Borden added that he had been too stunned to formulate a verbal response to the man and was only able to smile faintly and nod his head before continuing on his way.
Audiobook Narrator Really Going For Broke With Cajun Accent #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Caught off guard by both the volume and vigor with which the distinctive speech pattern was being rendered, sources confirmed Wednesday that the audiobook narrator of James Lee Burke’s Heaven’s Prisoners was really going for broke with his Cajun accent. “Wow, he’s not pulling any punches, is he?” audiobook listener Larry Kershaw said of the narrator, who apparently decided to go all-in with his reading of a minor Cajun character’s dialogue, holding back nothing as he mimicked the rhythms and inflections of the French-Canadian-derived Louisiana dialect. “The other characters hardly have any accent at all, and then he just hits you with this super-thick Cajun patois out of nowhere. This guy might want to tone it down a bit. He has another 17 chapters to get through.” At press time, the audiobook narrator was reportedly pulling out all the stops with his imitation of a coquettish Southern belle.
Mutant Hockey League Worried City Of St. Mucus Won’t Publicly Finance New Arena For Ooze #~# ST. MUCUS—Expressing concern that the team might choose to relocate if a deal were not struck by the end of the offseason, Mutant Hockey League officials were reportedly pessimistic Friday that the owners of the St. Mucus Ooze would reach an agreement with the city to publicly finance a new arena.
Just Say The Word, And We’ll Perform With Socks On Our Penises Again #~# In the Peppers’ 35 years of existence, we’ve gone through a lot of changes: guitarists, hairstyles, producers, record labels—the list goes on. What can I say? It’s been a hell of a ride, but here it is, 2018, and we’re still bringing you the funk. Through the years, we’ve never for a moment forgotten all the times we rocked out on stage with nothing but socks on our penises. In fact, we talk quite a bit about bringing that back. Which leads me to ask: Should we?
New Regulation Requires All Protected Species To Be Actively Looking For New Habitat In Order To Receive Funding #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to ensure the federal benefit program is not taken advantage of, a new regulation announced Tuesday will require all organisms facing extinction to actively search for a new habitat in order to receive funding for their protection under the Endangered Species Act. “Effective immediately, America’s at-risk species must prove they are making an effort to find a different ecosystem to live in if they wish to obtain government assistance for their continued survival,” said Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, adding that endangered creatures such as the black-footed ferret and Sierra Nevada bighorn sheep should not be allowed to just sit back and live on public lands at taxpayer expense unless they agree to take steps to better their own situations. “An ‘endangered’ status isn’t a free pass, and it’s important we put forth policies that encourage a culture of personal responsibility among our nation’s plants and animals. We’re not doing the star cactus or the salt marsh harvest mouse any favors when we allow them to live on the government’s dime, which can create a disincentive for them to secure a place in another habitat and become self-sufficient.” At press time, the Department of the Interior announced further regulations capping the amount of time a species can remain on the endangered list at six months.
Study Finds Goosebumps Caused By Psychotic Weirdo Masturbating To Old Photo Of You #~# CHICAGO—A groundbreaking new study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association has found that goosebumps appear on the skin when a mentally unhinged weirdo is, at that very same moment, masturbating to an old photograph of you. “After poring over the evidence, we’ve discovered that the mechanism behind the involuntary response commonly referred to as goosebumps is indeed a carbuncle-covered freak jerking off to a photo of you from the seventh grade,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Daniel Leahy, whose research suggests that the more numerous the goosebumps, the more vigorously the decrepit lunatic is pleasuring himself to snapshots of you moving into your first apartment. “Even something as minor as a gnarled old man leering at a series of photo booth pictures from one of your recent nights out is enough to produce a measurable effect on the skin. So any time you feel the hairs rising on the back of your neck, it is more than likely the case that somewhere out there a hunched-over cackling recluse is clutching one of your prom pictures and bringing himself to shuddering orgasm.” Leahy added that there is no need to worry, as goosebumps usually go away after the shriveled, grotesque man has finished, wiped the ejaculate off your graduation portrait, and placed it back in a shoe box he keeps at the foot of his bed.
Whoa, Vacuum Got Something Pretty Big Under Couch #~# CINCINNATI—Reacting immediately to the sudden noise, surprised local woman Fran Copeland confirmed Monday that whoa, her vacuum cleaner just got ahold of something really big underneath the couch. “Oh, man, whatever just got sucked up into there must have been huge,” said the visibly startled 28-year-old, explaining that the big cracking noise the object made as it entered the vacuum was too loud to have been a food wrapper or a coin, so maybe it was a pen or a battery or something? “It rattled around in there for a while, too. I don’t think it was a fork. Could it have been a really big bug? Whatever it was, that thing was enormous.” At press time, Copeland had announced that holy shit, she’s gotta go unplug the vacuum, because now there’s some kind of weird burning smell coming from it.
New Evidence Suggests Ancient Egyptians Only Ever Visited Pyramids When Friends Were In From Out Of Town #~# LONDON—In a discovery that sheds new light on the civilization’s cultural practices, researchers at University College London presented evidence Monday that suggests ancient Egyptians never went to see the pyramids unless they had guests in from out of town. “Recently unearthed papyrus rolls dating from 2400 B.C. confirm that most Egyptians of the time went to the pyramids of Giza once as a kid and thought they were pretty cool, but seldom returned to the majestic tombs unless they had a buddy visiting who had never been there before,” said archaeology professor Sidney Colliver, adding that the lack of other fun things to do in Giza and the nuisance of traversing the Sahara Desert meant that most people who lived in the area only made it out to the pyramids once every four or five years, tops. “It appears that while the ancient Egyptians agreed everyone ought to see the iconic structures once in their lives, they also believed that after you had been there, there was no special reason to go back. Scholars have long assumed residents of the pharaonic capital of Memphis felt lucky to live so close to the Great Pyramid, but in reality, they were pretty over it.” Researchers added that nearly all ancient Egyptians believed the Great Sphinx was really fucking overrated.
Earth’s Successful Completion Of Orbit Around Sun Inspires Woman To Reflect On Eating Habits #~# GREENVILLE, NC—Noting that the celestial body’s return to this position in space demanded more personal accountability, sources confirmed Monday that the Earth’s successful completion of an orbit around the sun inspired local woman Vivian Turner to reflect on her eating habits. “Now that the planet I live on has traveled 584 million miles in an elliptical around its star, I’ve decided I need to be healthier and eat less pasta,” said Turner, revealing that the angular momentum from the Earth’s formation pushing it through 365 full rotations on its axis had previously inspired her to save money by bringing lunch from home. “Knowing that we are once again 91,401,983 miles from the sun, I’m going to start making salads too. I also have to make sure I stop late-night snacking for the entire time the Sun’s gravity is holding us in orbit until we return to this distance, I can’t just give up before the Earth’s tilt begins the gradual warming of it’s top half.” At press time, the Earth had not even completed a full rotation since Turner had made her vow to avoid sweets before she was eating a second piece of chocolate cake. 
2018 The Year It All Going To Fall Into Place, Delusional Sources Report #~# WASHINGTON—Fooling themselves into believing things were going to be turning around, delusional sources reported Friday that 2018 will be the year it’s all going to fall into place. “No ifs, ands, or buts about it, everything is finally going to come together in 2018,” said Liam Thomas of Margate, FL, echoing the sentiments of others nationwide who had also completely lost touch with reality and had absolutely no evidence whatsoever to support their optimistic claims. “I just know that things are going to start happening for me. I laid the groundwork in 2017, but 2018 is when my career’s gonna take off, I’ll start eating right, and I might even meet that special someone. Yeah, it’s going to be great.” At press time, sources had already reportedly decided not to make the same mistakes in 2019.
Delta Pilot Refuses To Land Until Gun Control Legislation Passed #~# ATLANTA—Taking a cue from the airline’s recent decision to cut business ties with the National Rifle Association, Delta pilot Jim Dettro is currently in a holding pattern above Hartsfield-Jackson airport and is refusing to land until meaningful gun control laws are passed. “Folks, this is your captain speaking. We apologize for the inconvenience, but Flight 2567 from Wichita won’t be arriving at the gate anytime soon unless America starts implementing some basic common-sense restrictions on the sale of firearms,” said Dettro in a brief statement to passengers in which he explained that clearance from ATL tower would in effect have to come from Washington first and meanwhile thanked passengers for their patience during a legislative delay that has already stretched on for far too many years. “For your safety, I’ll be leaving the seatbelt light on until conditions on the ground improve to the point where our country’s unusually lax firearms regulations are strengthened enough to stem the tide of deadly mass shootings, so we may be up here for a while. In the meantime, if you look to your left, you can see the Georgia state capitol building, where spineless legislators in thrall to the NRA are playing chicken with your children’s lives.” At press time, Dettro had announced that flight attendants would soon be passing through the cabin distributing bottles of water, which are subject to hundreds more regulations regarding their manufacture and sale than AR-15 semiautomatic rifles.
Hardened White Blood Cell No Longer Hesitates To Kill Viruses #~# TEMPE, AZ—While acknowledging that patrolling the human body was at times both stressful and dangerous, a lone white blood cell long hardened by its repeated violent contact with influenza, papilloma, and the common cold acknowledged Wednesday that it no longer hesitates to kill viruses. “When I come across a strain of rhinovirus, for instance, or maybe rotavirus, I attack first and ask questions later,” said the 3-day-old leukocyte, adding that it had seen “a lot of shit go down” during its time in the lymphatic system and no longer questioned or even thought about the split-second decision to absorb enemy pathogens. “The idea of murdering some germ used to tear me up inside, but when I lost a couple hundred thousand friends to diarrhea I realized it’s either us or them. You show one of those fuckers any mercy and they get into decent cells and start replicating their genome. Well, not on my watch.” As of press time, the white blood cell was making its way to the larynx to investigate reports of a scratchy throat.
Jared Kushner Loses Top-Secret Security Clearance #~# Presidential son-in-law and adviser Jared Kushner lost access to top-secret information in a memo sent out last Friday, sources confirmed. What do you think?
Idea Of Doing Nothing Until Next Mass Shooting Quickly Gaining Traction In Congress #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting that left 17 dead and 14 injured, sources confirmed Wednesday that the idea of doing absolutely nothing until the next mass shooting is gaining considerable traction in Congress. “After the recent tragedies, lawmakers have shown a great deal of interest in a proposal that’s been circulating to sit back and do jack shit until the next entirely preventable massacre goes down on U.S. soil,” sources said of the legislators’ plan to twiddle their thumbs while the next unhinged lunatic effortlessly purchases an AR-15 before firing it indiscriminately in what could be either a crowded mall, a movie theater, an airport, or even another school. “As soon as the Parkland shooting happened, party leaders banded together, declared ‘Enough is enough,’ and immediately began formulating a way to talk out of their asses via their social media accounts while doing nothing to create, strengthen, or better enforce basic gun laws. This measure to squander their unique opportunity to pass legislation that puts an end to the maddening cycle of gun violence is very popular right now, and will likely continue to be championed until the next group of innocent men, women, and children are brutally slaughtered.” Sources added that the plan has a high chance of surviving, as it has the full support of the NRA.
Great Barrier Reef Offers Scuba Divers Chance To See Beautiful Diversity Of Ocean Death #~# CAIRNS, AUSTRALIA—Adapting to the climatic changes that have irrevocably altered the world’s largest once-living thing, tour guides on Australia’s Great Barrier Reef are now offering divers a chance to see the breathtaking diversity of ocean death. “Whether you want to see thousands of colorful crabs that died as a result of increasing ocean acidification or check out the abandoned, algae-covered remnants of what used to be a thriving parrotfish colony, the Great Barrier Reef presents visitors with a unique opportunity to take in a whole spectrum of dead and dying marine life,” said Charlie Mande of Great Barrier Reef Dive Expeditions, a company offering divers a close-up look at dead organisms from clouds of lifeless starfish no bigger than dimes all the way up to full-on whale shark carcasses. “The Great Barrier Reef is actually the world’s largest coral reef system, and since it’s all completely dead now, we have the unique opportunity to see mile after mile of bleached, stark-white coral hosting the remains of an entire ecosystem—dead mollusks, decaying worms, husks of sponges, all drifting across the barren ocean floor thanks to rising sea temperatures and high concentrations of nitrates. You might also catch a glimpse of a turtle slowly suffocating to death after accidentally ingesting a plastic bag.” Mande added that within the next five to 10 years, the massive die-off of oceanic food sources would allow Great Barrier Reef Dive Expeditions to offer the sight of huge rafts of dead humans.
Frustrated Dad At Restaurant Just Wants A Normal Burger #~# SANTA FE, NM—Stressing that he did not need “a ton of fancy toppings,” local dad Dennis Metzger reportedly expressed frustration to his dining companions at the Boxcar Bar and Grill Wednesday, explaining that he just wanted to order a normal burger. “Is putting a regular, ordinary burger on the menu too much to ask?” said the 54-year-old father of three, who went on to state that a hamburger with ketchup and American cheese on a sesame seed bun was just fine without having to add a bunch of weird other stuff to it. “Everything on here has chipotle mayo or blue cheese or a toasted brioche bun or some kind of Cajun spice. And is regular lettuce suddenly not good enough anymore? Is that why they have seasonal microgreens, whatever the hell those are supposed to be?” Seconds later, reports confirmed Metzger had moved on from the burger menu and allowed his complete frustration to settle upon the restaurant’s exclusive selection of locally brewed craft beers.
Aquarium Touch Tank Lets Kids Pet Water In Natural Environment #~# CHICAGO—Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium unveiled a new Water Touch Tank exhibit Wednesday, offering children of all ages the opportunity to observe and pet the beautiful marine liquid in its natural environment. “Many of our young guests have already seen water, most likely in textbooks or during previous visits to the aquarium, but now they’ll be able to reach in and actually feel it running through their fingers. What could be more fun than that?” said Shedd Collections Manager Michelle Sattler, who noted that the tank is accompanied by an interactive map showing the many places on Earth where water is traditionally found, demonstrating its characteristic downhill-running method of locomotion, and why its habitats are shrinking. “Visitors will also notice that the tank is divided into sections where kids can pet water from warmer and colder regions, complete with the rocks and plants native to those ecosystems. But be gentle—Otherwise, you might get splashed!” Sattler added that the tank was open every day from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., after which it would be closed for the common inorganic compound’s nightly grooming and feeding.
Spanx Introduces New Shapewear Hood To Smooth Unsightly Heads #~# ATLANTA—Promising the new addition to their product line would provide “that sexy, slender look,” undergarment maker Spanx, Inc. announced Wednesday it would begin offering its first-ever shapewear hood, designed to smooth away unsightly heads. “The Spanx Hood is made with a comfortable nylon and elastane blend that re-sculpts the face while molding the head into that sleek shape that’s so hard to get without a personal trainer,” said company spokesperson Erica Lichtenberg, adding that the new face-hugging hood’s side panels flatten the ears, and its revolutionary jaw-pocket lifts and sharpens facial features to give wearers lips, cheekbones, and eyebrows in “all the right places.” “No more jiggly jowls or lumpy foreheads. Once you’ve squeezed the hood over your head, you’ll get the same svelte visage Hollywood celebrities have when they’re walking the red carpet. With your shapely new head, you’ll feel fabulous and ready to take on the world.” Lichtenberg added that the Spanx Hood should only be worn for a few hours at a time, as prolonged wear can cause the human trachea to become compressed, leading to a slow, painful death by strangulation.
Climate Change Could Kill Most King Penguins By 2100 #~# Climate models suggest that 70 percent of the 3.2 million King Penguins on Earth could die off by 2100 due to dwindling food sources. What do you think?
Report Finds No Progress On Homeownership, Incarceration, Or Unemployment For Blacks #~# A report released by the Economic Policy Institute found that African Americans have experienced no net gains in homeownership, incarceration, or employment rates in the past 50 years. What do you think?
Teen Unsure How To Break It To Parents That The Devil Got Her Pregnant #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—Feeling anxious about broaching the subject with her strict, conservative family, local teenager Brynna Kessell confirmed Tuesday that she was unsure how to break it to her parents that the devil had recently gotten her pregnant. “When they find out that I’ve been carrying Satan’s spawn, they’re totally going to kill me,” said the 17-year-old, adding that her mother and father were eventually bound to notice her sallow complexion, intense cravings for raw meat, and violent telekinesis. “They’re super religious, so it’s bad enough that I’ve been sneaking out of the house at night to hook up with the Prince of Darkness, but they will totally flip out as soon as they learn I’m with demon child. God, I don’t even want to think about what they’ll do when it finally bursts out of me.” At press time, Kessell had reportedly opted not to tell her parents and to have the devil child exorcised.
Pros And Cons Of Free Speech On College Campuses #~# Free speech has become an increasingly contentious issue on college campuses as students, faculty, and the national media debate whether schools should impose restrictions on things like protests, guest speakers, and course material. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of free speech on college campuses.
Woman Mentally Rifles Through Friends For Perfect Person To Sympathize With Current Pettiness #~# NEW YORK—Considering and rejecting names at a rapid clip, local woman Michelle Alghabra mentally rifled through over a dozen friends Tuesday in search of the perfect person to sympathize with her latest petty conundrum. “Alison is usually my go-to for a sympathetic ear, but she might not see this as that big of a deal and start preaching about forgiveness and turning the other cheek, and I just don’t need that right now,” said Alghabra, pouring herself another glass of wine while taking stock of potential commiserators. “Beth just wouldn’t get it, Tina would just make it all about herself somehow, and Alicia might say I’m being small-minded and obsessive. Honestly, I’m just about ready to call Kristen, and all she ever does is say, ‘Oh, yeah,’ every time I pause for breath.” Alghabra eventually settled on Liz, who, if contacted after 3 p.m., would most likely be drunk.
My Vote Is Not For Sale At These Prices #~# When I was first elected to represent the people of Delaware, I made a vow to hold myself to a higher standard. The voters had placed their trust in me, and I knew if I broke that sacred covenant, I’d never forgive myself. Which is why, 35 years later, when someone tries to sway my position on an issue by offering me a small favor or modest campaign contribution, I’m not afraid to put my foot down and clearly state that no, my vote is not for sale at a price that low.
Millennials Not More Liberal On Gun Control Than Past Generation #~# A Gallup poll has found that while Americans under 30 are more liberal on a variety of other issues, they are only 1 percent more likely to approve gun control than their elders. What do you think?
Corporate Retreat Teaches Employees How To Dick Around As Team #~# EDMONDS, WA—Highly motivated and ready to put their new skills to good use, sources at Rantrix Technologies reported Tuesday that their two-day corporate retreat had succeeded in teaching them how to better dick around as team. “It was really great to put aside our normal routine, take a step back, and focus on a different approaches to getting jack shit done around the office,” said software engineer Rebecca Ferretti, who was initially skeptical but ended up coming away with several new ideas on how the group could appear productive while actually fucking off on the company dime. “From the first ice breaker where we all dicked around together to the later sessions where we screwed off in pairs, I think it was useful to see how each person’s strengths could contribute to how we thoroughly waste time as a unit.” Ferretti added that getting to relax and spend a weekend talking shit about their boss had been great for team morale.
China Proposes Ending 2-Term Presidential Limit #~# China’s Communist Party may scrap the two-term presidential limit, clearing the way for Xi Jinping to stay in power far longer than the typical 10-year tenure. What do you think?
Troubling Study Finds Majority Of Americans Who Got It Aren’t Flaunting It #~# ITHACA, NY—In an effort to raise awareness on a potentially massive squandering of personal resources by thousands of hip, happening Americans, analysts at Cornell University published an alarming study Monday confirming that the vast majority of citizens who have got it fail to regularly and persistently flaunt it. “After years of in-the-field research, we can only conclude that citizens who got it are putting in insufficient work shaking it just short of breaking it—even though, in almost every case, their mama spent nine months making it,” said head researcher Dr. Alexander Spinelli, who warned that Americans may be in danger of losing it if they didn’t start getting it up when they got down. “What’s equally troubling is that a growing number of Americans who’ve got the stuff are opting out of strutting it, which is especially perplexing considering how hard it is to get enough of it. Someone really should do a little somethin’-somethin’.” When pressed on how long Americans had to use it before facing the possibility they might lose it, Spinelli cautioned, “Good God, y’all.”
Man Who Has Clocked 137 Hours In RPG Can’t Believe He Has To Waste Precious Time Watching Cutscenes #~# CLEVELAND—Growing ever more frustrated as he found himself spending his 10th minute of the day on non-interactive animation designed to advance the game’s plot, gamer Kyle Pierce told reporters Monday that even after spending 137 hours playing Xenoblade Chronicles 2, he could not believe that he has to waste his valuable time watching cutscenes. “C’mon already—Enough crap about the Argentum Trade Guild or the World Tree or whatever and let me get back to spending my time on something that matters,” said Pierce, who has reportedly spent his entire day upgrading skills on his Xenoblade’s Affinity Chart, painstakingly selling items in advantageous shops, and running repetitive fetch missions to refine his Aux Cores. “Jesus, life is short, I can’t just sit around and listen to them bullshit about the Aegis War. It’s already 3:30, and it’s going to take me at least two hours to collect firewood for the Tranquility quest.” As of press time, Pierce, who rolled out of bed at 8 a.m. this morning for a day of uninterrupted gameplay, had thrown his controller in anger after entering a new area triggered a 45-second loading screen.
Cleveland Finishes Construction On New Elevated Sewer System #~# CLEVELAND—Saying the bold new infrastructure project would serve the needs of local residents through the 21st century and beyond, city officials announced Monday that work was finally complete on Cleveland’s long-awaited elevated sewer system.
United Airlines Updates Policy On Allowing Dogfights In Passenger Cabin #~# CHICAGO—Explaining the growing need to tighten restrictions for the comfort of their guests, United Airlines officials announced Monday plans to update their policy on allowing dogfights in the passenger cabin. “Effective immediately, United will no longer permit guests to stage dogfights or any other bloodsport on any domestic flight,” said United Airlines spokesperson Charlie Hobart, citing numerous complaints from customers and employees alike concerning the health and safety risks of blood-splattered tray tables, dogs breaking free of their handlers, and groups of cheering dogfight aficionados blocking the plane’s exit rows. “Originally, our dogfighting policy was meant for guests who needed to relax during their flight by seeing a pit bull ripping out a mastiff’s throat. But as people began to take advantage of the policy, and especially when wagering of airline miles became rampant, we saw a sharp increase in the frequency and size of the dogfights until the average flight would have seven or eight dogs touted in the main event, and enough was enough.” Hobart clarified that United’s policy still allowed limited cockfighting in the plane’s cargo area.
Barbaric Fifth Grader Gouges Paper Onto Binder Ring Without So Much As Hole Punch #~# PHOENIX—Casting aside any semblance of social decorum and human dignity, fifth grader Evelyn Gasper brutally impaled a stack of loose-leaf paper onto the rings of her binder Monday without hesitating for even a second to request access to the three-hole punch, sources at Peabody Elementary School confirmed. “My god, she just crucified the thing,” said English teacher Toby Anderson, adding that though he regularly spends his own money on school supplies for his classroom, those tools could never satisfy Gasper’s insatiable thirst. “I have both handheld and desktop punches, but those weren’t even a consideration for Evelyn—They might as well not even exist to a kid who lets the animal out on looseleaf like that. You might not respect the kid herself, but you have to respect her ferocity.” As of press time, witnesses spotted Gasper in the school cafeteria tearing into a turkey drumstick held in both hands, sinews standing out in her neck as she wrenched meat from bone, juices splattering across her shirt and dripping onto the tattered styrofoam tray.
Boxing Coach Wishes Just Once He Could Mentor Someone Who Has Already Fully Worked Through Childhood Trauma #~# TOMS RIVER, NJ—Reluctantly giving a pep talk on inner strength before ushering his newest student into the ring, local boxing guru Bill Sweeney told reporters Tuesday that he wished just once he could coach someone who had already fully worked through their childhood trauma. “Christ, I just want to teach people how to box, not be a de facto father figure to disaffected teens looking for a way to escape their broken homes,” said Sweeney, who couldn’t remember the last time he mentored someone solely looking to improve their sparring skills rather than let out years of pent-up anger at a drug-addled parent. “It’s not like I have no sympathy—I do—but I’m spending half my time consoling guys who hit the speed bag until they’re sobbing because their dad used to beat their mom, or sticking around late with a brooding kid begging me not to make him go home. There are therapists for that kind of stuff.” Reached for comment, several of Sweeney’s students said that in an ideal world their coach wouldn’t be using them as pawns to prove to the woman he loved that he was a changed man.
Report: Americans Waste Enough Food Each Year To Give Over 1 Billion Third World Residents Diabetes #~# ROME—According to a report released Monday by the United Nations, U.S. consumers waste roughly 50 million tons of sugar-saturated food each year, a quantity sufficient to give over one billion residents of the developing world Type 2 diabetes. “Citizens in more affluent nations such as the United States do not fully appreciate what the uneaten tons of cookies, candy, ice cream, and pastries they discard could mean to the pancreatic function of the world’s impoverished peoples,” said Food and Agriculture Organization Director General José Graziano da Silva, who noted that the amount of duck sauce packets thrown away annually in the New York metropolitan area could provide more than 600,000 sub-Saharan Africans with severe cases of gout. “And when you factor in the volume of sugary sodas and fruit drinks they throw from their car windows, you begin to see how many of the world’s poor could be stricken with hyperglycemia if only Americans managed their food supply better.” Da Silva added that while American junk food distributors had made great strides in recent years, the dependence of emerging nations on fruits, vegetables, and grains meant they were only beginning to close the global obesity gap.
Priest Regrets Vow Of Celibacy After Learning About Furries #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Saying he felt a sinking feeling of remorse while scrolling through dozens of online search results about the subculture, Roman Catholic priest Father Tom Shamblin admitted Monday that he has come to deeply regret his vow of celibacy since finding out about furries. “I thought I understood what I was giving up when I made a solemn promise to God to remain chaste for the rest of my life, but that was before I realized I could put on one of these plush cartoon animal suits and engage in sexual role-playing as a fox or cat,” said the visibly crestfallen priest, adding that the more time he spent browsing DeviantArt yiff accounts and reading erotic Lion King fan fiction, the more he realized what a massive mistake he had made in joining the priesthood. “I knew it would be a sacrifice, but come on! No one told me I’d also be abstaining from all these amazing conventions. There’s a whole world of fur and fun out there I’m missing out on. What have I done?” Shamblin added that he should have been ordained in the Episcopal Church, where priests are allowed to dress up as furry animal characters and have as much sex as they like.
Hate Groups Increased In First Year Of Trump Presidency #~# American hate groups increased by 4 percent in the first year of Trump’s presidency, with a substantial rise in anti-semitic, racist, and anti-LGBT organizations. What do you think?
Episode 4: The Official Story #~# In the fourth episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David recruits Onion Public Radio’s robust team of interns to recreate the night of Hayley Price’s murder in order to determine once and for all if a person can really die from a simultaneous gunshot-stabbing-strangling-drowning. Plus: A major twist.
Joss Whedon Exits ‘Batgirl’ Movie #~# Saying that he didn’t have a story to tell, filmmaker Joss Whedon has left the production of DC Entertainment’s Batgirl film. What do you think?
John Kelly Struggles To Maintain Believable Trump Impression During Phone Calls With Parkland Survivors #~# WASHINGTON—Finding it difficult to refrain from basic human compassion and instead make everything about himself in the face of horrible tragedy, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly struggled Friday to maintain a believable Trump impression during phone calls with the teenage survivors of the mass shooting in Parkland, FL, administration sources confirmed. “This was a bad dude, a really bad dude, and, uh, we’re going to win, and it’s going to be unbelievable,” said the retired four-star Marine Corps general whose adherence to Trump’s unrefined speech patterns, 160-word vocabulary, and erratic vocal cadence was undercut by his inability to fully capture the commander in chief’s meandering, self-centered arrogance. “My heart truly breaks for you and all who have suffered—uh, no, I mean—what a huge thrill it must be for you to get to talk to me.” The Parkland survivors later indicated that Kelly’s refusal to voice any commitment for gun control measures had successfully convinced them they were indeed speaking to the president.
New Evidence Suggests President George Washington Sent Woodcut Of Penis To Secretary #~# PHILADELPHIA—Saying the discovery shed new light on the father of our country, a team of University of Pennsylvania archivists announced Monday that new evidence suggests George Washington sent a woodcut of his penis to his secretary. “After uncovering a well-preserved, remarkably graphic woodcut dating from the American revolutionary period, and establishing the provenance of both the woodcut and the image from such contemporaneous descriptions as exist, we believe we have conclusive proof that this image is indeed of President Washington’s erect penis and was in fact sent to Tobiana Lear, Washington’s personal secretary,” lead researcher Joyce Carrick said of the block print, which was discovered in the National Archives late last year tucked into a secretary’s desk drawer along with a note outlining her presence in the first president’s lewd sexual fantasies. “We suspect this was not the only woodcut, as many other printing blocks depicting what we now know to be Washington’s penis carved at different angles and shadings have also been found. It even appears that after the original woodcut was not met with a response, several oil portraits of his genitals were couriered to the secretary’s home.” Carrick’s team also discovered the official complaint that Tobiana Lear submitted to Congress concerning the suggestive woodcut, as well as the corresponding Presidential order immediately terminating Lear from her position and deporting her to England.
Author Of ‘Introduction To Algebra’ Recalls Textbook Being Rejected By 12 Publishers Before Getting Accepted #~# NEW YORK—Recalling how his best-selling mathematics primer had struggled to garner any attention from top textbook agents, author Bruce Gallagher confirmed Friday that his runaway blockbuster textbook, Introduction To Algebra, had been rejected by a dozen publishers before finally being picked up. “All the big houses passed, saying the whole young-adult mathematics genre was oversaturated, but Pearson Education took a chance on me and it changed my life,” said Gallagher, who spent seven years working as a barista while writing his first draft, crafting word problems and weaving instructive narratives about binomials during evenings and weekends. “When the rejection letters from Scholastic or McGraw-Hill began to stack up, I naturally thought about quitting, but I knew that what I had to say about factoring quadratics was something that needed to be heard. Luckily, Pearson shared my vision about letters representing numbers in formulas, and now Intro is on its third edition in two countries and I just signed a two-workbook deal.” When asked what advice he would offer aspiring young math textbook authors, Gallagher said the only secret was to speak one’s own truth concerning slope-intercept forms.
New Report Finds Link Between Each Passing Day, Jeanette Getting More Beautiful #~# SAN DIEGO—Shedding new light on the young woman’s mystifying allure, a report released Friday found a link between the passing days and the fair Jeanette growing ever more beautiful. “According to our research, there may, in fact, exist a strong correlation between the rate at which Jeanette’s ethereal loveliness waxes ever more captivating with the breaking of each new dawn,” said lead scientist Dr. Richard Altman, adding that substantial data also indicate that, with each trembling heartbeat, the jeune fille’s radiance suffuses the room, daring to match the warmth and radiance of the very sun itself; yet unlike the sun, blessed Jeanette is never dimmed by clouds, nor does she depart for half the day, but abides with us through all hours, whether those be spent by her side in reverent wakefulness or in Elysium dreaming of her sweet face. “Furthermore, our observations suggest a causal relationship between light—starlight, moonlight, candlelight, the light source doesn’t seem to matter—striking dear Jeanette’s exquisite blue eyes, and anyone observing the phenomenon falling hopelessly, helplessly, breathlessly, forever in love.” A forlorn Altman added that there is likely a link between Jeanette’s ever-growing beauty and the legions of the broken-hearted strewn about her dainty feet like so many leaves in autumn.
Marco Rubio Still Rock-Hard Days After Being Publicly Humiliated On National Stage #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the CNN town hall debate had left him sexually aroused in a way he hadn’t experienced since his failed 2016 presidential run, Florida senator Marco Rubio admitted Friday that he was still rock-hard a couple days after being publicly humiliated on the national stage. “Oh, fuck yes, I had forgotten how good it hurts to be degraded on live television for everyone to see,” said Rubio, noting that the Parkland shooting survivors taking him to task for his complicity combined with the booing crowd gave him a raging erection more turgid than the one he had when Chris Christie totally destroyed him during a Republican debate two years ago. “It was so intense when those town hall participants asked me to stop accepting donations from the NRA and I just squirmed around like the naughty boy I am. Then when Jake Tapper told everyone to settle down, I just about creamed my pants right there on stage. Mmm, I bet Americans are so disgusted with me. Jesus, I think I’m gonna blow a load.” Rubio added that if the survivors don’t stop roasting him on Twitter soon, he would have to visit a doctor for his aching cock.
Watching The Olympics Has Inspired Me To Start Trying To Jump Over Stuff  #~# The Olympics never fail to leave me in awe. It is both humbling and enthralling to witness what the greatest athletes in the world can accomplish when they work hard and push themselves to excel. And this time around, watching the incredible achievements at the winter games in Pyeongchang has motivated me to strive for such excellence myself.
Sighing, Resigned Climate Scientists Say To Just Enjoy Next 20 Years As Much As You Can #~# GENEVA—Attending a conference to discuss alarming new data on rising sea levels, a weary group of top climatologists suddenly halted their presentation Friday, let out a long sigh, and stated that the best thing anyone can do at this point is just try to enjoy the next couple decades as much as possible. “You know what, guys? Just go out there and have a good time—don’t worry about any of this,” said climate scientist Annalisa Feldt who tore in half the report she had compiled and suggested everyone consider traveling to a place they’ve never been before, or taking up a pastime they’ve always imagined might be fun. “Go see a show. Join an intramural sports league. Learn a musical instrument. Have more sex. Try skiing, if you never have, although that’s one you’d better do within the next five years or so.” Reiterating the need for people to live it up while they still can, the climatologists announced that if anyone was interested in joining them, they would be skipping the remainder of the conference to get completely shit-faced at the nearest bar.
Tips​​ For​​ Getting​​ The ​​Most​​ Out​​ Of ​​Life #~# Travel to a foreign country and have a once-in-a-lifetime experience with someone you love, or, short of that, just convince yourself that happiness comes from within.
Jennifer Lawrence Tells Critics Of Her Versace Dress To ‘Get A Grip’ #~# After drawing criticism from feminists for wearing a revealing dress during the premiere of her new thriller Red Sparrow, Jennifer Lawrence responded that the complaints were “sexist” and “ridiculous.” What do you think?
Ivanka Trump To Keep Focus On Athletes, Not North Korea, During Winter Olympics Trip #~# Saying she was merely excited to support U.S. athletes, First Daughter Ivanka Trump clarified that her trip to the Winter Olympics would not be spent engaging diplomatically with North Korea. What do you think?
Oxfam: ‘Your Donation Will Help Us Protect Impoverished Girls From Our Employees’ #~# OXFORD, ENGLAND—International nongovernmental organization Oxfam announced a new pledge campaign Thursday requesting help in their effort to protect impoverished girls from sexual predation at the hands of Oxfam employees. “Your donation can make a difference in the lives of girls in countries suffering from the effects of war, natural disasters, economic exploitation, or the unwanted sexual advances of our aid workers,” Oxfam executive director Winnie Byanyima said in a statement encouraging potential donors to sponsor a girl directly to ensure her continuing safety. “Our work in some of the world’s poorest, most harassed regions would not be possible without the generosity of people like you. Your donation can bring hope to girls suffering at the hands of our most debauched staff members.” Byanyima added that more than anything else, Oxfam was seeking committed, enthusiastic volunteers to help them combat further injustices.
Employees Annoyed At Having To Attend 3-Hour-Long Sexual Seduction Training #~# SPARKS, MD—Noting that the extensive program would significantly cut into their workday, employees at digital agency IMERQ were reportedly annoyed Thursday at having to attend a three-hour-long sexual seduction training. “I know sexual seduction is an important issue, but I hate having to reschedule client meetings just so I can hear some lawyer drone on about the proper technique for showering a team member with flowers and gifts before sweeping her off her feet,” said graphics designer Tim Buckwell, echoing the sentiments of numerous coworkers who expressed frustration at being forced to sit through a lengthy Powerpoint presentation and Q&A session detailing the correct process for passionately wooing colleagues in and outside of the workplace. “I remember during the last one of these, they spent over half an hour just covering when it is and isn’t erotic to gently caress a subordinate’s neck while whispering sweet nothings into their ear. Honestly, a lot of this stuff is just basic common sense.” At press time, several employees were reportedly excited to implement their new seduction tools such as flirtatious glances, pickup lines, and physical contact to entice a susceptible victim.
Essential Oils: Myth vs. Fact #~# Essential oils have grown increasingly popular as natural remedies for common health problems, but their actual effectiveness is the subject of much debate. The Onion outlines some of the myths and facts surrounding essential oils.
Badass Churchgoer Doesn’t Even Have To Look At Hymnal #~# CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Staring in awe at the total goddamn renegade in the front pew, witnesses told reporters Sunday that badass churchgoer Frank Wittman knew the words without even having to glance at the hymnal. “When it comes to praising the Lord in song, Wittman’s fucking hardcore—head up, hands out like a boss,” said impressed parishioner Karen Gardner, noting how the “motherfucking legend” burst into “On Eagle’s Wings” as soon as the music started while other mass attendees were still leafing through their hymnals. “The guy just absolutely rips it up one psalm after another. And then right when you think he’s running out of gas, he goes full-on balls to the wall with all 13 verses of ‘Amazing Grace.’” At press time, sources reported that Wittman didn’t hesitate to walk right over to take communion like he “fucking owned the place.”
Drinking Alcohol Linked To Long Life #~# Neurologists at the University of California found that moderate drinking is linked to living longer than 90, with 2 glasses of beer or wine per day decreasing premature deaths by 18%. What do you think?
Nation’s Beekeepers Warn They Don’t Know How Much Longer They Can Hold Back Swarms’ Wrath #~# PEACHAM, VT—Telling friends and neighbors to flee for their lives before it was too late, the nation’s beekeepers stated Thursday they were unsure how much longer they could hold back the furious swarms buzzing ominously around their hives. “For generations, we have fought to contain the violent wrath of bees, but they grow stronger each day and will soon overwhelm our defenses,” said area beekeeper Dale Barnard, adding that the bees were very angry, that no amount of smoke wafted in their direction would pacify them, and that there would be no escape from the great, blackening swarms already gathering on the horizon. “It’s only a matter of time. A great reckoning is upon us, and it shall be inscribed in both flesh and honeycomb. May God help us!” After initially stating that death was coming for all, the nation’s beekeepers later clarified that anyone wearing a protective helmet with a mesh veil would of course be okay.
George, Amal Clooney To Join Florida Teens In Gun March #~# George and Amal Clooney will attend the March For Our Lives in Florida and have donated $500,000 to the cause of gun reform. What do you think?
Panicked Billy Graham Realizes He Took Wrong Turn Into Heaven’s Largest Gay Neighborhood #~# THE HEAVENS—As he entered the Pearly Gates and walked the gold-paved streets of God’s Eternal Kingdom, the late Rev. Billy Graham was reportedly so overwhelmed Wednesday by the great majesty before him that he did not at first notice he had taken a turn leading him down the main thoroughfare of heaven’s largest gay enclave. “Oh no, oh—Where am I, exactly?” said the celebrated evangelist, who witnessed numerous same-sex couples making out upon Heaven’s lush green pastures and became disoriented when a crowd of shirtless, muscular homosexual men poured out of a nearby nightclub and streamed past him on every side. “This can’t possibly be right. I am in Heaven, aren’t I?” According to heavenly sources, Graham, who during his life referred to homosexuality as “a sinister form of perversion,” shrugged, smiled, and continued walking straight into the neighborhood’s largest bath house.
Man Just Going To Assume This Counts As ‘Minced’ #~# MILWAUKEE, WI—Concluding that his culinary efforts should “do the trick,” area man Charlie Frye was reportedly just going to assume Wednesday that what he had just done to two cloves of garlic counted as “minced.” “I think I cut it up pretty good—It seems like these pieces are small enough,” said Frye, who had been chopping garlic for the past two minutes as the recipe instructed, first attempting to methodically slice the cloves into tiny cubes before deciding to quickly run his knife through the pile of garlic bits at random just to make sure. “I think this is probably done, right? I’m sure it’s fine as long as there aren’t any, like, huge chunks.” At press time, Frye was running his chopping knife under hot water and deciding it was probably pretty much clean.
Passengers Praying Uber Just A Hobby For Elderly Driver #~# CLEVELAND—Carefully observing the senior citizen for signs showing his level of commitment to the job, passengers in the car of 81-year-old Uber driver Cordell Eddings reportedly prayed Wednesday that this was just a hobby for the elderly man. “Oh, God, he has to be doing this a couple hours a week just as a way to get out of the house, right?” said Allison Tyndale, one of the three passengers who held out hope that the octogenarian’s interest in keeping his mind active and the prospect of striking up conversations with strangers might explain why someone far past retirement age was currently transporting them to a bar crawl at 9:30 p.m. “This has to be something he does as a lark. He’s probably retired, has a nice big house out in the suburbs, and just comes into the city every once in a while for the fun of it. Sounds kind of nice, actually—Although, then again, the car has these Uber stickers all over it. And he has one of those mounts for his phone. Jesus Christ, he might actually depend on this for his livelihood. That’s so fucked up.” At press time, the passengers were desperately struggling to concoct an explanation for why the man was reaching a shaking hand into the back seat with a business card asking for a five-star review.
Nation’s Older Brothers Recommend Not Being Such A Little Bitch #~# WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Citing the numerous negative effects of acting like a total puss, the nation’s older brothers issued a joint statement Wednesday strongly recommending not being such a little bitch. “Having conducted an extensive study of your whining, all of our findings indicate that it would be in your best interests to stop crying like a huge pansy,” said older brother and designated older-brother spokesman Max Cambello, who, along with a panel of elder male siblings and a couple of their friends, strongly advised keeping your mouth shut and sucking it up. “After thoroughly examining the way you won’t shut the fuck up and get over it, we have settled on a proposal that you quit moaning like a little chickenshit. Moreover, we ask you this: You gonna cry now? You gonna cry now, huh? Jeez, you make us sick.” At press time, the older brothers also strongly urged restraint in running to snitch to mom, as past instances demonstrate this would just result in you getting your ass beat even fucking worse.
Survey: Genital Stimulation Maintains Popularity #~# BETHESDA, MD— Admitting they were unable to recall a survey even remotely so one-sided, researchers from the National Institutes of Health released comprehensive data Wednesday affirming that the practice of genital stimulation continues to enjoy almost universal popularity. “We can say, with absolute confidence, that the population is nearly unanimous in its delight concerning the vigorous rubbing, massaging, and manipulation of its collective genitals,” said Dr. Rajiv Bhattar, noting that support for result-driven contact with penises and vaginas has remained strong across all ages, genders, and religious backgrounds for at least the past 130 years. “Naturally, styles and techniques have changed somewhat; for instance, baby boomers expressed a fondness for energetic patting or tapping of the genitals, whereas younger generations seemed to prefer sustained physical or even electrical stimulation of their private parts. Bottom line, though, everyone really loves it.” While the authors of the study admitted they had yet to identify all the complex and involved reasons why humans exhibit such robust desire for genital stimulation, the team expressed strong interest in working on the question for as long as necessary.
FDA Finds Euthanasia In Several Brands Of Dog Food #~# The makers of Kibbles ’n Bits and Against the Grain brand dog food issued a recall after the FDA found trace elements of sodium pentobarbital—a drug commonly used to euthanize animals—in pet food. What do you think?
Open Casket Really Ruining Vibe At Funeral #~# BELLEVUE, NE—Noting that the presence of the deceased body was sucking all the energy out of the room, several sources confirmed Wednesday that the open casket was really ruining the vibe at a local funeral. “We had a good thing going at first, but once you see the dead body in the casket, it’s a major buzzkill,” said funeral attendee Ben Perry, adding that what was supposed to be a celebration of his uncle Charlie Orensen’s life was quickly becoming a huge downer because everyone could see his late relative’s corpse. “There are all these cool old pictures, and everyone’s reminiscing about how great Uncle Chuck was, but then you see him lying there dead out in the open, and it totally wrecks the mood. You just can’t get past it, especially since it’s right there in the middle of everything. All of the seats are even facing the open casket, so you pretty much have to look. This is totally lame.” At press time, several funeral attendees were trying to move large floral arrangements in front of the open casket in an effort to forget about the dead body.
Scientists Create First Sheep-Human Hybrids #~# In a step toward creating a more plentiful supply of human organs for transplants, Stanford University scientists bred the first sheep-human hybrids. What do you think?
Capsizing Boat Passes U.S. In Global Quality Of Life Rankings  #~# GENEVA—Having analyzed the data from extensive surveys conducted across the globe, the World Health Organization announced Tuesday that a boat currently capsizing in the Atlantic Ocean had earned a higher quality of life rating than the United States. “Based on our most recent global rankings, we’ve concluded that the overturned skiff boasts higher life-satisfaction levels and is on the whole more hospitable than most U.S. cities and towns,” said WHO director-general Tedros Adhanom, noting that the 16-foot vessel, which is at this moment taking on water after tearing open its hull on an outcropping of jagged rock, was also found to be more family friendly and to have better access to healthcare when compared with many American states. “In our surveys, U.S. residents reported greater feelings of unhappiness and pessimism than did those aboard the now almost entirely submerged motorboat, believing they had fewer opportunities available to them. America currently sits in the middle of our quality of life index behind Japan, Canada, Australia, most of Europe, and the fiery shipwreck that appears to be far too damaged to send out a distress call.” At press time, sources confirmed that after its engine fire was extinguished in a torrential downpour, the boat had also surpassed the United States in life expectancy rankings.
Study: 90% Of Americans Strongly Opposed To Each Other #~# WASHINGTON—In a new study published Tuesday that surveyed U.S. residents about their attitudes toward current events, the Pew Research Center found that approximately 90 percent of Americans described themselves as strongly opposed to each other. “In the questionnaire we administered, nine out of 10 participants indicated they fundamentally disapproved of the actions currently being taken by their fellow citizens,” said polling analyst Babette Randolph, noting that the rate of opposition remained consistent across all 50 states and virtually every demographic regardless of age, gender, race, religion, or political identification. “The vast majority of poll respondents signaled they were dead set against the U.S. populace, condemning in forceful terms the way others have handled things over the past year and giving the people of their nation historically low ratings.” Randolph went on to note that the 10 percent of survey participants who indicated otherwise did so because they didn’t consider those they disagreed with to actually be Americans.
Step By Step: How Twitter Addresses User Complaints #~# Twitter has come under increasing scrutiny for the way it handles user complaints, with some critics saying the social media site infringes on their free speech and others alleging it doesn’t go far enough. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide showing how Twitter addresses user complaints.
‘Brain Games’ Recalls Thousands Of Defective Word Puzzles That Gave Users Alzheimer’s #~# MORTON GROVE, IL—Offering a full refund along with its sincerest apologies, Publications International, Ltd. recalled more than 90,000 copies of Brain Games Tuesday after the defective puzzle books were found to give customers Alzheimer’s disease. “While our intent has always been to provide entertainment while improving cognitive function, the word puzzles also seem to stimulate the nerve cell decay associated with Alzheimer’s,” said company spokesperson Carol Ford, adding that anyone who had experienced memory loss, confusion, or difficulty with familiar tasks after completing a Brain Games puzzle should seek immediate medical attention. “We also ask that those who may know someone working on a Brain Games book to help them return it, as they may no longer possess the necessary brain function to do so.” In a separate announcement, the company said it was also recalling the “Toddler Time” children’s activity book after the 301 questions and answers were linked to pediatric psychosis.
Teen On Brink Of Experiencing Incredible Journey Of Motherhood Instead Asks Boyfriend To Use Condom #~# ASHBY, NE—In what experts are decrying as an utter failure to embrace one of life’s greatest opportunities, fertile woman Ashley Wilson, 16, reportedly hesitated on the first step of the incredible journey of motherhood Monday and instead asked her boyfriend to use a condom. “You have protection, right?” said Wilson, who, discovering herself on the glorious threshold of nurturing a tiny miracle inside her body, inexplicably turned away from her chance to reap the joyous rewards that come with decades of motherhood by using a contraceptive. “Better safe than sorry, you know?” Sources later confirmed that Wilson also threw away the bitter gifts of wisdom and restraint that come with contracting a sexually transmitted disease.
‘I’m Going To Hell For Laughing At This Meme,’ Says Man Going To Hell For Helping Little Sister Get Abortion #~# KEARNY, NJ—Convinced that he was going “straight to hell” for chuckling at a “rule 34” meme involving Peppa Pig, local man Kevin Morgan was reportedly unaware Monday that he would, in fact, suffer eternal damnation for helping his sister get an abortion. “Oh, man, this is so wrong and I know I’ll rot in hell for laughing, but I just can’t help it,” said Morgan, whose repeated disembowelment at the hands of horned demons would actually be for driving his 15-year-old sibling to an unlicensed clinic in 2011 to terminate a pregnancy from a man who was not her husband. “I bet there’s a special place down there for people like me [who worked two extra shifts to pay for the procedure]. God, please forgive me, because my soul is definitely doomed for [never once trying to talk her out of it, even when she was having second thoughts].” At press time, Morgan had reportedly not sealed his fate by sharing the meme with his friends along with the caption “remember Peppa?” but by promising to take his sister’s secret to the grave.
Pet Turtle Going Hog Wild On Terrarium’s New Stick #~# ALLENTOWN, PA—Marveling at the creature’s unrestrained enthusiasm, local pet owner Jessica Palmer told reporters Monday that her box turtle, Lars Von Tortoise, had been going hog wild on his terrarium’s new moss-covered stick. “Damn, he’s really going nuts on that thing,” said Palmer, adding that the turtle had not been this fired up since she brought home some new pebbles for his miniature lagoon. “I thought after a few minutes he’d be over it, but it’s been almost an hour and he’s still nudging it like a mad man. And look at him trying to bite at the stick, too! He’s just having the time of his life in there.” At press time, sources confirmed the euphoric reptile had succumbed to exhaustion and passed out under his hollow plastic rock.
Charles Manson's Body Still On Ice Due To Dispute #~# The Kern County Coroner’s Office revealed that they are still holding onto the body of serial killer Charles Manson due to a dispute between his son, grandson, and two memorabilia collectors with unproven claims to his remains. What do you think?
Male Dogs Twice As Likely To Win At Westminster Dog Show #~# Due to factors such as coat shedding and breeding programs, male dogs have almost double the chance of winning Best in Show at the prestigious Westminster Dog Show. What do you think?
Nation Hears Voices Encouraging It To Buy Gun #~# WASHINGTON—Searching for a motive to explain the country’s epidemic of mass shootings, sources confirmed Friday that the nation was constantly hearing voices encouraging it to buy a gun. “I hear them all the time, these angry, paranoid voices urging me to go out and arm myself,” said Pennsylvania resident Arthur Moreland, echoing the sentiments of millions across the country who confirmed that the voices had been trying to persuade them for a long time now, and that no matter what they did, they couldn’t get them to stop. “At first, I tried just shutting out the voices that keep insisting there are lots of bad people in the world out to get me and that I’ll never be safe without a gun. But they’re everywhere and they never shut up. God, if they don’t stop soon, I’m worried I might do something rash.” At press time, the increasingly cagey and fearful nation had decided to seek help acquiring a semiautomatic rifle.
Episode 3: Calloway Day #~# In the third episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David attends Calloway Day to see exactly how middle-class America celebrates what little they have, and to see just how deep a hold W.O. Calloway has on the townspeople of Bluff Springs.
Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of War #~# WALTHAM, MA—Heralding its latest product as a breakthrough in artificial-intelligence technology, defense contractor Raytheon announced Friday it has built a military robot capable of composing heart-wrenchingly poignant poems about the relentless horrors of war.
Man Looking For Job That Plays To His Natural Talent For Half-Assing Things #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—Describing his ideal work environment as lenient on total incompetence, local man James Kearse told reporters Tuesday he’s looking for a job that plays to his natural talent for half-assing things. “I’ve always had a gift for slapping shit together at the last second, so it’d be nice to finally work somewhere that fosters my ability to haphazardly do third-rate work and call it a day,” said Kearse, expressing hope that, unlike his last few bosses, his future employer would appreciate his innate knack for screwing around, constantly missing deadlines, and putting the absolute minimal amount of effort into each of his responsibilities. “If you need a project that is barely completed under the wire, immediately falls apart upon inspection, and is presented with a really lousy attitude, then I’m your guy. With any luck, I’ll find someone who recognizes that and gives me the space I need to actually grow those slacking off skills.” At press time, Kearse was planning to start his own business after realizing that if he were the boss, he could simply do blundering, slapdash work for himself.
Archaeologists Unearth Ivory Trumpet Dating Back To Prehistoric Jazz Age #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—In a discovery that may indicate the Jazz Age began thousands of years earlier than traditionally believed, a team of archaeologists from Louisiana State University announced Tuesday that they had unearthed a completely intact mastodon-ivory trumpet. “This horn is our first insight into the possible existence of hepcats who could really blow them horns 12,000 years before Buddy Bolden and Louis Armstrong,” said LSU’s Dr. Liana Brower, adding that wear patterns on the horn indicated that Pleistocene cool cats were indeed cutting loose with those hot sweet swing licks before the invention of the wheel. “While it’s too early to be certain, it’s quite possible these jazz daddies from way back first laid down the sweet sounds that evolved into our own bip-boz-dee-boze dee-bop-biddly-bop and push-ka-pee-she-pie.” Brower cautioned that the archaeological dig was in its early stages, dig, but the discovery of more horns, or even a saxophone, would testify to one hip, hot happenin’ scene for early man, man.
Man Hates It When Trailer Gives Away Entire Premise Of Movie #~# DECATUR, IL—Lamenting that his viewing experience was already ruined by reveals made in the preview, area man Adam Fredrikson told reporters Friday that he hates it when a trailer gives away the entire premise of a movie. “I’ll be pumped to see a new film, but once the title and basic dramatic conceit are revealed in the trailer, my anticipation is completely gone,” said Fredrikson, explaining that once he realized a film involved a love story between two main characters, took place during World War II, or had a director, it no longer seemed worth spending $14 and 90 minutes to see it. “For instance, I can already tell I Feel Pretty is set in New York, because of that shot of the Empire State Building, and it’s super obvious from the voice-over that Amy Schumer is having problems with her self-image. Why would they do that? There are no surprises left.” Fredrikson added that he was also sick of recognizing the actors who appeared on screen during the feature, thus spoiling the credits.
‘Oh God, What Happened Last Night?’ Says Groggy Mike Pence After Waking Up In Same Bed As Wife #~# WASHINGTON—Experiencing a rising sense of dread as he opened his eyes Friday morning and noticed the woman asleep beside him, a groggy and confused Vice President Mike Pence reportedly muttered, “Oh God, what happened last night?” upon waking up in the same bed as his wife. “This is Karen’s bed—what have I done?” said a visibly panicked Pence, his fear increasing as he discovered that he was completely naked except for his underwear and pajama pants, while second lady Karen Pence wore no socks or nightcap, her feet and head completely nude. “We didn’t, did we? I mean, I don’t think we did, but I’m not a hundred percent sure. Oh, no, no, no. C’mon, Mike, what’s gotten into you? How could you be so reckless? What on earth were you thinking having that second glass of milk last night? You idiot! You better just hope you didn’t do anything you’ll regret.” At press time, sources reported the vice president was praying that no one would see him as he quietly snuck out of his wife’s bedroom and stumbled back to his own quarters, where he immediately showered in a futile attempt to wash away his shame.
‘Sports Illustrated’ Publishes First Swimsuit Issue Of #MeToo Movement #~# Sports Illustrated is touting its latest swimsuit issue—which features an all-female crew on some photo shoots and empowering slogans written on nude models—as the first of the #MeToo movement. What do you think?
New School Shooter Drill Includes Practicing Pleas To Lawmakers To Do Something About This #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the updated procedure could prevent needless tragedies and save countless lives, officials from the National School Boards Association announced Thursday that new active-shooter drills would include practicing pleas to lawmakers to do something about this. “This new training exercise instructs students to lock classroom doors, barricade entry points, and then quietly use phones or other electronic devices to log into social media accounts and beg their elected representatives to take some sort of action,” said NSBA executive director Thomas J. Gentzel, adding that the new armed-assailant protocol trains students to practice using clear, direct, and plain language while imploring legislators to do their jobs and make this stop. “In a situation like this, every second counts, so it’s absolutely crucial for students to know where they should go online to frantically plead with lawmakers to act like compassionate human beings and do the right fucking thing for once in their lives.” At press time, Gentzel confirmed that the safest procedure would be for students to evacuate the country.
Veteran Congressman Can Still Remember When Inaction On Gun Violence Actually Presented A Moral Dilemma #~# WASHINGTON—Thinking back to a far simpler time, veteran congressman Chuck Grassley (R-IA) told reporters Thursday that he could still remember when his inaction on gun violence actually presented a moral dilemma. “I can still recall how, years ago, deciding not to take any steps to address universal background checks or a broken mental healthcare system following a mass shooting felt like a real, concrete struggle,” said Grassley, a member of Congress since 1975, reminiscing on how he used to do a lot of mental gymnastics to justify his idleness on the epidemic and would frequently lie awake at night contemplating whether there was blood on his hands. “I have a lot of memories of going back and forth on whether accepting all this money from the NRA made me complicit in all of these deaths. I would sometimes get so troubled by it, I’d even ask my wife or my friends if they thought I was a good person, but nowadays, I just fire off my ‘thoughts and prayers’ tweet without thinking about it and just keep going about my day.” At press time, Grassley admitted that he was starting to get a bit bored after continuing to talk about the subject for so long.
Thousands Of Dismembered Crash Test Dummies Line Newly Discovered Catacombs Beneath Ford Motor Plant #~# DEARBORN, MI—Forming a macabre display of safety-related anthropomorphic horror, thousands of dismembered and carefully arranged crash test dummies were found lining newly discovered catacombs beneath Ford’s River Rouge Complex, sources reported Thursday. “As my eyes gradually adjusted to the gloom of the labyrinthine tunnels below the plant, the patterns on the walls were slowly revealed to be dismembered dummy parts stretching far into the darkness,” said factory worker Tony Bosso, who stumbled upon the maze of dummy remains after accidentally stepping on a decapitated test-mannequin head while inventorying a warehouse basement. “The first dummies I found were from the mid-Taurus period, but there’s a whole Mustang gallery, and a charred vestibule from the Pinto era, and so on back—maybe even to Model T times, we don’t yet know. And everywhere you look there are inscriptions warning of the dangers of not wearing your seatbelt. I just can’t get the images out of my mind.” Ford representatives said that they intend to fully investigate the existence of macabre mechanical caverns, and that the dummy remains would be treated with the respect due their sacrifice.
Tips For Treating A Bed Bug Infestation #~# Bed bugs are a common issue, especially in cities, and getting rid of them can be difficult, time-consuming, and expensive. The Onion presents tips for treating a bed bug infestation.
John Kelly Apologizes For Assuming Everyone Would Ignore Abuse Allegations Like They Do In Military #~# WASHINGTON—Amid criticism of how long he waited to terminate the employment of Rob Porter, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly apologized Wednesday for assuming everyone would just ignore the abuse allegations against the staff secretary the way they always do in the military. “I am deeply sorry for thinking you would all react the way I’m accustomed to and simply disregard all misconduct claims made against someone in such a powerful position,” said the retired four-star Marine Corps general, explaining that his four decades as an officer in the armed services had led him to expect people would not only turn a blind eye to Porter’s misdeeds, but also denounce his victims as liars and then punish them for questioning authority. “I’m still getting used to a leadership style where the standard approach isn’t to roundly dismiss everything the accusers say, make them apologize to their abusers, and then force them to endure excessively painful drills coupled with dehumanizing insults. But I understand now that as White House chief of staff, you can’t just look the other way every time you’re confronted with violent physical abuse against women.” Kelly went on to promise that in future cases he will act without delay, addressing abuse allegations the very moment they are leaked to the public.
White House Compares Potential Food Stamps Replacement Program To ‘Blue Apron’ #~# On the heels of a proposal to cut food stamps, White House Budget Director Mick Mulvaney suggested sending needy Americans food directly in a manner he compared to delivery service Blue Apron. What do you think?
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# PARKLAND, FL—In the hours following a violent rampage in Florida in which a lone attacker killed 17 individuals and seriously injured over a dozen others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Indiana resident Harold Turner, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
‘Peter Rabbit’ Film Criticized For Making Light Of Allergies #~# Sony Pictures has issued an apology for insensitively depicting a gardener’s blackberry allergies in children’s film Peter Rabbit after drawing criticism for a comedic scene in which rabbits pelt the villainous character with blackberries. What do you think?
Study: 89% Of Husbands Planning To Surprise Wife On Valentine’s Day By Dressing As Naked, Chubby Cherub #~# FORT COLLINS, CO—A new study released this week by researchers at Colorado State University revealed that 89 percent of U.S. husbands intend to surprise their wives this Valentine’s Day by stripping nude and then donning a skimpy homemade costume so as to bear the likeness of a plump, winged child-angel. “I just wanted to treat my wife to something special this year,” said 38-year-old James Lyons who, like naked husbands across the nation, was busy transforming himself into a roly-poly cherub by applying rouge to his cheeks, gluing feathers onto cardboard to make wings, and fashioning a garland of green construction paper for his receding hair. “Katie has always wanted to try a little role-play, so she’s probably going to freak when she comes home to find her husband transformed into a sexy, full-bodied herald of childlike innocence. Now if you’ll excuse me, I still need to tune up this antique lute before my wife gets home from work.” At press time, researchers had confirmed that 89 percent of U.S. wives found themselves unable to eat the special dinner their husband had prepared until he agreed to put on a shirt.
PetSmart Introduces Heart-Shaped Puppy For Valentine’s Day #~# PHOENIX—Calling it the perfect expression of affection for that special animal lover in your life, PetSmart reportedly introduced the world’s first heart-shaped puppy this week just in time for Valentine’s Day. “We believe that your significant other deserves a genetically modified companion as completely unique as they are,” said Director of Product Development Zoe Sinclair, who noted that PetSmart’s entire collection of 3-month-old black lab, golden retriever, and Dalmatian puppies is lovingly crafted by Belgian spine-fusing and rib-removing veterinary technicians who hand-inspect each dog to ensure proper shape, color, and texture. “Can you say ‘swoon?’ Plus, every heart-shaped puppy is engraved with a personalized message on the back and shipped to your door in a special red velvet kennel to ensure proper spinal curvature throughout the puppy’s full two- to three-week lifespan. It’s almost too much!” Acknowledging that not everyone’s sweetheart is a “dog person,” PetSmart also unveiled a limited Valentine’s Day-edition crystal vase of a dozen fresh-cut, long-stemmed kittens.
Lone, Weak Bystander Targeted By Pack Of Female Friends Who Want Their Picture Taken #~# SAN DIEGO—Powerless to escape the frenzied women who had singled him out, area man Charles Wieland, a frail and solitary bystander, was reportedly targeted Wednesday by a pack of female friends who wanted their picture taken outside a local seafood restaurant. “Can you take our picture?” several of the women asked simultaneously, having scanned the crowd and instantly identified Wieland as a feeble man who would be incapable of putting up a defense when descended upon by a wild, chattering group of friends with outstretched smartphones. “Just push the button. But wait till we’re ready.” At press time, the pack of friends continued to publicly display their dominance over the powerless and ineffectual Wieland by ordering him to take a few more.
Hentai Message Board Features Surprisingly Close-Knit, Supportive Community #~# CANTON, OH—Noting the deep and genuine mutual fondness that fans of pornographic Japanese imagery have displayed in the site’s comments, posts, and private messages, sources confirmed Wednesday that popular hentai message board YourHentaiWorld was home to a surprisingly close-knit and supportive user community. “Initially, I expected everyone would just recommend their favorite prepubescent catgirl manga, incest dating games, or good old tentacle sex videos, but I couldn’t help noticing they knew each other extremely well,” said 28-year-old shoe salesman and forum newcomer Adam Cantrell, who was surprised to find numerous discussion pages showcasing member artwork, organizing in-person meet ups, and simply catching up with other users’ daily lives. “They seem to genuinely care about me, too—my inbox blew up with welcome messages when I joined, and when I linked to an amateur bara comic, I got almost as many ‘Thank you’ PMs as upvotes. Once, I forgot to post for a week and FilthyBoyKagayaku even started a thread to ask if anyone knew me IRL and could check if I was doing okay.” As of press time, Cantrell was misting up while watching dozens of users offer aid and comfort to the original poster of the thread, “Need Help: Full-Package Futanari Not Doing It For Me Since Wife’s Cancer Diagnosis.”
Relationship Experts Say Mailing Body Part To Ex On Valentine’s Day Only Way To Win Them Back #~# BOSTON—Claiming that the simple but thoughtful act was an excellent way to rekindle lost love, relationship experts confirmed Wednesday that mailing a body part to an ex on Valentine’s Day was the only way to win them back. “Our research revealed that anyone hoping to successfully reignite an old flame should lop off an extremity and ship it first-class to a former lover,” said sociologist Dr. Margot Durlauf, who recommended artfully arranging ears or fingers in a romantic collage rather than just hacking them off and carelessly dumping the bloody parts into a package. “Even just a little toe can go a long way to convincing the one that got away that you’ve been thinking about them and want them back in your life. Many couples who reunited claimed that receiving a severed hand immediately brought the couple back together and made their relationship stronger than ever before.” Durlauf added that giving a personal detached limb had a higher likelihood of successfully wooing a past sweetheart than just simply buying one.
Obamas’ Presidential Portrait Revealed #~# Barack and Michelle Obama revealed their unorthodox presidential portraits at the National Portrait Gallery, the works of painters Kehinde Wiley and Amy Sherald, respectively. What do you think?
White House Now Just Holding Continuous Going-Away Party For Departing Staffers #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the frequent festivities for departing staffers more efficient, White House officials announced Tuesday that the administration is now just holding one continuous going-away party. “Instead of throwing a send-off celebration for Rob Porter and Rick Dearborn only to turn around and do it again a week later, we will now simply hold around-the-clock gatherings with light refreshments and cupcakes to honor whoever left the administration most recently,” said Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, adding that employees may now join their coworkers at any time of day in the permanently decorated White House kitchen where a never-ending stream of staffers will announce that this is their last day, perpetually deliver farewell speeches, and constantly pass around and sign goodbye cards for continuously departing coworkers. “In order to avoid another situation like when we had three separate get-togethers in one week for Sean Spicer, Michael Short, and Reince Priebus, aides may now enjoy a cup of soda, don a party hat, reminisce over fond memories together, and say their farewells whenever it is convenient for them.” Huckabee-Sanders added that she looks forward to seeing everyone in the kitchen, where she expects to be honored shortly.
Americans Gear Up For Valentine’s Day #~# Americans nationwide are searching for the perfect gifts to symbolize their love for Valentine’s Day. What will you give your significant other?
Ra Wins Westminster God Show #~# NEW YORK—Commending his healthy frame, impeccable lineage, and ability to form light and order from the primordial chaos, judges announced Thursday that Egyptian deity Ra has taken top honors at the 141st annual Westminster God Show.
Congress Confused By $500 Million In Trump’s Budget Allocated For ‘Laser Stuff’ #~# WASHINGTON—As they examined the recently released White House budget, U.S. senators and representatives expressed confusion Tuesday about the $500 million that President Trump has proposed the government spend on “laser stuff” in fiscal year 2019. “While I agree with many of the president’s recommendations, like his proposed cuts to entitlement programs, I have to admit I’m somewhat baffled by the lines in this budget dedicated to ‘state-of-the-art zap-beams,’ ‘powerful ray shooters,’ and ‘high-tech glowing red dots,’” said Sen. Todd Young (R-IN), voicing concerns shared by members of Congress in both parties who sought further clarification about Trump’s plan to subsidize the development of “blue, green, blue-violet, neon yellow, and other lightning-fast colors of laser beams.” “I’ve long advocated for increased military spending, but as a Marine Corps veteran myself, I’m not convinced ‘extra-large laser cannons’ and ‘bright lights that blast you so hard it really hurts’ are what our armed services really need from us right now.” At press time, both houses of Congress reportedly agreed to the allocations after White House aides explained that any funds appropriated for “laser stuff” would be handed over in a lump sum to the nation’s defense contractors.
Trump Announces Plan To Replace Food Stamps With New Low-Income Foraging Program #~# WASHINGTON—Championing the decision as a way to cut costs and still meet federally mandated nutrition requirements, President Trump announced a plan Tuesday to replace food stamps with a new low-income foraging program. “We have developed a new foraging-based plan that provides qualifying Americans with a small, reusable bag they can fill with whatever they are able to scavenge from alleys, empty lots, or nearby wooded areas,” said Trump, explaining that underprivileged participants in the program would search for food scraps anywhere they can find them, including the dumpsters behind restaurants. “We will also be providing these low-income Americans with charts that explain which rotting foods are still safe to eat, which seeds and berries can be consumed without getting sick, and how to spot insects that are high in protein. Many disadvantaged citizens don’t have access to healthy meals at home, but this program will teach them the self-reliance they need to ensure their basic requirements for sustenance continue to be met.” Trump also proposed a Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program in which Americans would receive a weekly meal service kit containing pictures of food.
Texas Schools To No Longer Teach Students About Autoerotic Asphyxiation #~# AUSTIN, TX—In a landmark overhaul of traditional curriculum standards, the Texas State Board of Education voted Tuesday in favor of a legislative recommendation that public high schools no longer require teachers to include autoerotic asphyxiation in their health education curriculum. “We stand firm in our belief that we should not be instructing our children in the practice of fastening a belt to a bedpost or doorknob and then looping the other end around their necks, restricting the flow of oxygen to their brains to increase sexual arousal during self-stimulation of their genitals, ultimately achieving a transcendent, shuddering climax,” said Sue Melton-Malone, chair of the board’s Committee on Instruction. “Furthermore, the board finds that studies suggesting autoerotic asphyxiation increases when not taught in schools are specious at best. While sexual breathplay has been a mainstay of Texas sex education for more than 60 years, we now feel the subject is inappropriate and quite possibly dangerous.” At press time, a coalition of parents’ groups had released a statement confirming that they would be homeschooling their children in traditional Texan asphyxiophilia.
Timeline Of The U.S. Labor Movement #~# As union membership declines, the gig economy continues to grow, and automation becomes an increasing priority, the labor rights movement in the U.S. faces stiff challenges. The Onion presents a timeline of key events in the labor rights movement.
L.L. Bean Ends Iconic Lifetime Return Policy #~# In a message to patrons, L.L. Bean announced that it would end its long-standing policy of guaranteeing products for life, citing modern business demands and customers exploiting loopholes in the plan. What do you think?
Eddie Bauer Announces New Line Of Brown Clothes #~# BELLEVUE, WA—In an effort to provide customers with a wide selection of shirts, pants, sweaters, and outerwear, retail chain Eddie Bauer announced plans Tuesday to release a brand-new line of brown clothes. “Since we pride ourselves on anticipating our customers’ tastes, we’ve designed this year’s collection around the concept of brown. Everything from the fur lining our parkas to the microfiber in our trousers—it’s all brown,” said Eddie Bauer Marketing Director Tina Aguilar, gesturing to a series of design boards upon which were displayed many varieties of bark, soil, twigs, woodland creatures, and various brown clothes previously offered by the outdoor-themed retailer. “That’s not to say we’ve given up on other colors. To strike the classic Bauer balance of style and functionality, we’ve accented many of the new items with khaki, russet, and chestnut as well.” Aguilar added that while the muted, earth-toned offerings were branded as a spring line, all brown apparel would available indefinitely.
Bannon: #MeToo Movement Could Spell End For Trump #~# Former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon believes that the “anti-patriarchy” could take down President Trump, and that culture will “never be the same going forward,” according to author Joshua Green. What do you think?
Episode 2: What I Know And What I Don’t Know Yet #~# In the second episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David conducts preliminary interviews with those connected to the murder of Hayley Price, including chief of police Charlie Jameson and Hayley’s boyfriend Bryan, who is really hot but also–like–interesting–which is so hard to find in someone these days–as well as the mysterious W.O. Calloway, the town millionaire whose presence looms large over Bluff Springs.
Cities Move To Outlaw Hollow-Point Silver Bullets After Wave Of Gruesome Werewolf Slayings #~# AUSTIN, TX—Claiming the common-sense measure would save untold lives, mayors from 37 major American cities issued statements Thursday in favor of outlawing hollow-point silver bullets after the latest wave of gruesome werewolf slayings. “There is simply no place on our streets for ammunition with the destructive capability to blow off a werewolf’s entire head in one blast,” said Austin Mayor Steve Adler, who was moved to champion the bill after the brutal December slaying of beloved physical education teacher and nightwalking loup-garou Davis Johnstone. “With these bullets—designed for trained monster-hunters, not inexperienced civilians—easily accessible at every Walmart, is it any surprise that this country can’t seem to go one full moon without another lycanthrope getting gunned down in the prime of life?” Adler further stressed that the ban would be even more effective if combined with measures requiring background checks for every purchase of wolfsbane.
Nation Praying For Super Nasty Luge Accident #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing a deep desire to see an unbelievably gut-wrenching and epic crash, Americans across the country were reportedly praying Monday for a super nasty luge accident. “I’m just hoping we get a chance to watch a guy lose control of the sled, slam really hard into the wall, and then go tumbling down the ice track head over heels like a fucking rag doll,” said Dayton, OH resident Peter Murphy, echoing the sentiment of 323 million Americans who were wishing for the opportunity to witness a luge competitor wildly careen sideways down the incline, fall off the sled, and painfully roll down the course until their immobile body glides across the finish line. “God, please just let me see someone fly up high into the air over the side of the track and then plunge face-first into a snowbank. I promise I’ll try to be a good person from now on. I just want to watch one crazy-ass crash at 80 miles per hour where the guy breaks all his limbs and the stunned announcers go silent while the EMTs rush to help.” The nation added that they would also consider settling for a gruesome-as-hell bobsledding wreck.
Study Finds Cats Only Meow When They Want To Alert Owner Of Neighbor’s Murder They Witnessed Through Window #~# LONDON—A new study published this week in the journal Animal Behaviour revealed that house cats only meow when they want to alert their owners that they just witnessed a neighbor’s murder while looking out a window. “Through direct observation and analysis of feline vocal patterns, we were able to confirm that the sound commonly known as a ‘meow’ is in fact a signal that a gruesome homicide has just been committed next door,” said study’s author and King’s College professor Debra T. Shen, Ph.D., noting that if a cat meows during the day, it has seen a shooting or stabbing, whereas a nighttime meow indicates death by strangulation. “It also appears as though the volume and number of meows correlates to the number of victims and the amount of blood—a trait that likely evolved as a way to discreetly call for help without drawing the killer’s attention.” Shen added that the findings have lent credence to the long-held theory that cats purr to signal that someone is hiding right behind the curtains.
Detective Refuses To Pry Into Circumstances Of Murder Out Of Respect For Deceased #~# NAMPA, ID—In an effort to provide space for the family during their time of mourning, detective James Horton reportedly refused Monday to pry into the circumstances surrounding 28-year-old Allan Lieberman’s murder out of respect for the deceased. “Due to the extremely sensitive nature of this violent incident, I have decided not to look any further into this murder out of courtesy for the departed,” said Horton, explaining that the Liebermans already had enough on their plate right now without anyone asking if Allan had any known enemies or had been involved with suspicious persons. “This is a difficult time for everyone, and it would only upset his loved ones if we performed a toxicology report to determine what, if any, drugs were in Mr. Lieberman’s system. I think it would be better for us all if we could instead take a moment of silence to remember the victim as he was before the sudden and unexplained break-in at his office.” At press time, Horton declined to follow up on an anonymous tip, as it was not worth the chance of sullying the victim’s memory.
Italian Grandmother Doesn’t Have Heart To Tell Family Any Dipshit Can Make Lasagna #~# EASTON, PA—Dreading the looks on their faces once they realized the recipe was “truly easy as fuck,” local grandmother Rosemary Guzzo, 79, confirmed Monday that she didn’t have the heart to tell her family that any dipshit can make lasagna. “No, I don’t think I can bring myself to do it. They’d be too crushed to find out I learned how to make ‘Nana’s famous lasagna’ from the back of a Barilla box,” said Guzzo, explaining that the dish involved not some old-world secret guarded by generations of Italian matriarchs, but the layering of pasta, meat, cheese, and tomato sauce. “You know what’s hard to make? Soufflé. Not lasagna. Any knuckle-dragging dumbass off the street can set an oven to 375 and pop in a baking pan.” At press time, Guzzo’s daughter had asked her to write down each step so they could enjoy the “family treasure” for years to come.
Quentin Tarantino Calls Uma Thurman Accident Biggest Regret Of His Life #~# Quentin Tarantino told Vanity Fair that convincing Uma Thurman to perform the stunt that led to her car accident on the Kill Bill: Vol. 1 set was “one of the biggest regrets of his life.” What do you think?
Nation Excited For Some Insane K-Pop Shit During Opening Ceremony #~# WASHINGTON, DC— Citing an overwhelming desire to see a dozen or so identically dressed teenage Korean girls sing close pedal-point harmonies while executing impossibly precise choreography, sources across the nation confirmed Friday they were excited for some completely insane K-pop shit to occur during the opening ceremony of the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang. “I’ll bet they have a bunch of totally fucking nuts lasers and at least one instrument I’ve never heard of before,” 28-year-old marketing analyst Owen McGillen said of the highly anticipated live performance, which all viewers assume will feature an assortment of attractive, young, government-subsidized cultural training-center graduates serenading giant, plush versions of Olympic white tiger mascot Soohorang while dressed in corseted versions of various athletic uniforms. “You just know that those songs are going to be catchy as hell and will probably feature a recognizable English phrase in the chorus, like “Race to you,” or ‘Melt my heart,’ and I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole group takes flight on wires at some point and just soars above thousands of screaming, crying Olympians. It’s gonna be bonkers.” As of press time, K-pop experts agreed it was “fairly likely” that the spunky ladies would remove their headsets during the third-chorus key change and switch to handheld microphones for a crazy-ass rap verse about achieving your gold-medal best.
U.S. Military Heightens Security After Another Group Of Precocious Children Sneaks Onto Base To Save Alien Friend #~# ARLINGTON, VA—In what many are calling a long-overdue response to a clear weak spot in the defenses of U.S. military facilities, the Pentagon issued a new series of security guidelines Friday after confirming another group of precocious children had infiltrated a base and rescued an alien friend.
‘100% Of Teenagers Huge Fucking Assholes,’ Confirms Study By Sobbing, Red-Faced Scientists #~# HOUSTON—Saying the data confirm that the demographic is so awful and mean, a study released Friday by a team of sobbing, red-faced scientists at Rice University found that 100 percent of teenagers are “huge fucking assholes.” “They’re all just jerks and we hate them,” said sniffling lead author Phil Gunnig, who in a voice hoarse from crying added that both males and females between the ages of 13 and 19 consistently demonstrated signs of being “stupid idiot turds” who act like they’re your friends at first but just end up making fun of your research techniques when you turn your back. “Once children reach puberty and become teenagers, their brains rapidly develop quite sophisticated cognitive structures for treating people like shit even though you’re nice and didn’t do anything to them and just want to be left alone. Especially Jenna, who’s such a bitch.” Gunnig reportedly then fled the press conference in tears, locked himself in his office, and announced through the door he was never coming out again.
Frustrated Hope Hicks Wishing She Could Find One Nice Guy In This Autocratic Personality Cult #~# WASHINGTON—Heartbroken over the resignation of boyfriend Rob Porter from the Trump administration following reports that the now-former White House staff secretary had physically and emotionally abused his ex-wives, White House Communications Director Hope Hicks told reporters Friday she wished only to find one nice guy in the executive branch’s autocratic personality cult. “Every time I think I’ve found someone who shares my values in this legion of totalitarian sociopaths, they turn out to be nowhere near as good a guy as I first thought,” said Hicks, noting that the dating pool of single, oppressive pricks is fairly small, and connecting with a draconian tyrant who is also sweet and caring is increasingly difficult. “I just know the perfect, ruthless monster for me is out there somewhere in this fanatical hive mind of unfeeling narcissists—a selfish, vicious bastard who will sweep me off my feet. I just have to find the one for me.” As of press time, White House sources reported Hicks had been seen making eyes at a male colleague rumored to have good looks, kind eyes, and the appealing personality of a serial killer.
Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony Begins #~# Featuring dazzling visual flourishes, a show of peace with North Korea, and celebrations of South Korean culture, the 2018 Winter Olympics Opening Ceremonies have officially begun. What do you think?
Report: Make It Stop #~# EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far and they would do almost anything for even a few glorious minutes of respite. “We’re on our hands and knees, pleading with you to make it all go away once and for all. What’s it going to take? Jesus Christ, just stop it! Stop it right now!” At press time, sources confirmed that they knew deep down it was never going to stop.
Poll: 2 In 3 Americans Support Legal Status For Dreamers #~# A new NPR/Ipsos poll found that 65% of Americans approve of a legal status for DACA recipients, while a majority oppose building a border wall. What do you think?
2018 Pyeongchang Olympics Kicks Off With Ski Jumping, Curling #~# The early trials of the 2018 Winter Olympics have started in the South Korean city of Pyeongchang with ski jumping, alpine skiing, and curling. What do you think?
Report: Russia Managed To Penetrate Voter Databases In Order To Ensure Election Was Fair And Free Like The Loyal Allies They Are #~# ARLINGTON, VA—The Department of Homeland Security released a report Thursday confirming that Russia had in fact penetrated U.S. voter databases in order to ensure the 2016 general election was fair and free, just like the loyal allies they are. “After an exhaustive, months-long investigation, we have discovered hundreds of thousands of instances in which Russian agents accessed voter information, thereby safeguarding and upholding our most deeply held democratic values,” said director of the National Protection and Programs Directorate Jeanette Manfra, noting that Russia’s unwavering support for the integrity of American democracy has been shown time and time again throughout history and now even reaches the executive branch of our government. “On November 8, 2016, Russian operatives are believed to have executed a highly sophisticated effort to preserve and uphold the right of every American to vote, thus ensuring the safe and just execution of our Founding Fathers’ noble vision. All U.S. citizens—and, indeed, all those who believe in democracy—should thank these steadfast hacker groups for their coordinated efforts in developing those state-sponsored automated programs that gained access to the personal and private data of innumerable U.S. voters.” Manfra went on to say that our stalwart and generous Russian allies will also meddle with voter data later this year to ensure that the vital midterm elections are also fair and free.
Female Barista Getting A Lot Better At Avoiding Touching Male Patrons’ Hands When They Pay #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Expressing an increased confidence in her ability to eliminate unwanted physical contact from her customers, local barista Katie Mantegna confirmed Thursday she is getting better at avoiding the touch of male patrons’ hands when they pay for their beverages. “I have a little move where I drop their change from four or five inches above their outstretched hand instead of placing it directly into their palm,” said Mantegna, adding that in cases where the change includes paper money, she’s developed a habit of holding each bill by a single tiny corner and then immediately pulling her hand away once the customer takes it. “At first, I thought I could avoid their lingering palm caresses by placing their change down on the counter and letting them grab it themselves, but then some guys caught on and started moving in faster so that they would still make contact before I could get my hand clear. I think with this new technique, I might finally be able to get through a shift without some random man trying to lace his fingers with mine while paying for a latte.” At press time, sources confirmed Mantegna was attempting to quickly hand off a small drip coffee to a customer before he had a chance to clasp both his hands over hers.
Hershey’s Unveils Some New Chocolate Bullshit For You To Cram Into Your Fat Maw #~# HERSHEY, PA—Touting the treat as perfect for slavering gluttons such as yourself, the Hershey Company unveiled some new chocolate bullshit for you to cram into your fat maw Thursday. “We are proud to announce the release of our new chocolate bullshit, which features multiple layers of wafery detritus dipped in some chocolatey crap and sprinkled with some other candy shit, an enticing, sensual, and ungodly combination of flavored shit we’re positive you’ll love ramming down your insatiable, sugar-craving gullet,” said Hershey’s CEO Michael Buck in a press release, which also noted that the product will come in three different varieties and five sizes, although you probably won’t even notice that as your pudgy, sweaty fingers frantically tear the wrapper off the largest of those bastards and wedge the confection into your chocolate-smeared piehole. “You can break it off piece by piece, or what’s far more likely, inhale it through your ravenous muzzle all at once, filling every nook and cranny in your porcine cheeks, laboriously reducing it to a hideous slurry with your chalky, cavity-ridden teeth, then slurping it all down into your bloated cloaca. Inside this sinister wad of pure sugar, cheap cocoa powder, and emulsified butterfats we engineered, we’ve also drizzled on some caramel jizz atop an extra choco-sucrose glaze to ensure you spike the sugar content of your syrupy blood almost the instant this sweet treat invades the tortured sack of suet that was once your digestive tract. God help you, you love it, don’t you? Christ, you’re disgusting.” Buck later went on to add that Hershey’s will also be releasing seasonally shaped and packaged versions, in case you swine need monthly reminders to gorge yourselves like the sacrificial cattle you are.
Congress Puts Aside Partisan Differences For Good Of Military Contractors #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining the rationale behind a two-year government budget deal crafted by members of both parties hours ahead of a potential shutdown, congressional leaders told reporters Thursday that they had put aside their partisan differences for the good of the nation’s military contractors. “It’s time that we stop bickering with each other over minor political disputes and start standing up for the brave defense contractors who keep us safe,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), echoing the sentiments of Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and other congressional leaders as they championed the bipartisan spending increases that would provide billions of much-needed government subsidies to U.S. military companies. “We may not always see eye to eye, but both Democrats and Republicans recognize how important it is to put politics aside when we’re talking about the men and women in our private military sector.” Senate leaders also expressed their satisfaction that the two parties could set aside their partisan disagreements to ensure that the bill did absolutely nothing to push for immigration reform.
2018 Winter Olympics Cancelled Due To Inclement Weather #~# PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA—Citing safety concerns for both competitors and spectators, representatives from the International Olympic Committee announced Thursday that the 2018 Winter Olympics have been cancelled due to weather conditions being far too cold. “Because of a combination of subfreezing temperatures and the fact that many of the event spaces are now covered in snow and ice, this year’s Winter Games have unfortunately been called off,” said IOC President Thomas Bach, noting that it would be irresponsible to expose athletes to an increased risk of slipping and falling in the frozen conditions, especially in already dangerous sports such as downhill skiing and figure skating. “We even considered having participants wear bulky protective coats, gloves, and hats, but ultimately realized this would have a negative effect on both performance and viewing enjoyment. We extend our sincerest apologies to all those who were excited to watch and participate in the events, but it has become clear that it is simply too cold to move forward.” At press time, the IOC has tentatively rescheduled the Winter Games for June of 2022.
A Timeline Of Influential Psychological Experiments #~# Experiments involving human subjects have contributed significantly to our understanding of human behavior, although many of them have involved controversial ethical quandaries. The Onion provides a look back at history’s most influential psychological experiments.
FBI Warns Of ‘American Dream’ Scam #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that millions have already fallen victim to the long-running grift, the FBI warned Monday of the ‘American Dream’ scam. “Reports are coming in all across the country of Americans who were promised great prosperity and success in exchange for a lifetime of hard work, only to find themselves swindled and left with virtually nothing,” said agent Dean Winthrop, who explained that susceptible parties are made to believe that class mobility is possible simply through ability or achievement, despite the fact that innumerable social, economic, and racial barriers prevent the vast majority of U.S. citizens from attaining even marginal amounts of upward movement. “Many even travelled across the world to live in what they were calling ‘The Land Of Opportunity,’ a fictitious meritocratic society where any person can simply work their way up from the bottom. The victims, it appears, were drawn in by wild promises about equitable access to wealth, education, and home ownership, but before they knew it, they got played for suckers.” Winthrop added that they haven’t identified the scheme’s kingpin, but are investigating a number of upper-middle class white men who have suspiciously benefitted from the longtime scam.
How ​​To ​​Climb ​​The ​​Corporate ​​Ladder #~# Have you tried wearing a long sleeve, button-down shirt with a small checker pattern on it? That works for some people.
White Supremacist Tired After Long Day Of Interviews With Mainstream News Outlets #~# GEORGETOWN, OH—Following conversations with the Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, and Newsweek, white supremacist Bryan McCafferty was reportedly exhausted Thursday after a long day of interviews with mainstream news outlets. “God, I really want to just get home and sleep, but I still have a sit-down with the New York Times at 7:30, and my CNN segment is filming right after at nine,” said McCafferty, lamenting that he didn’t have a spare minute to finish email correspondences about rural neo-Nazis with NPR and PBS NewsHour because a Salon reporter accompanied him this week to better understand his hatred of black and Hispanic neighbors. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to spread the message of a white ethnostate, but I just can’t do any more phone interviews with Chris Hayes or Jake Tapper while I’m driving my kids to school. It’s draining.” McCafferty added that he’s at least been fortunate enough to still find time to harass local minorities and Jews.
McDonald’s French Fries May Contain Cure For Baldness #~# Researchers in Japan are experimenting with using an anti-foaming agent found in McDonald’s French fries to help grow hair on mice. What do you think?
‘It’s Step, Twist, Step, Dammit!’ Yells Leotard-Wearing, Cigarette-Smoking John Kelly While Choreographing Upcoming Military Parade #~# WASHINGTON—Wearing a leotard and chain-smoking as he pounded out the measures with his cane, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly screamed, “It’s step, twist, step, dammit!” at a group of Marines on Wednesday as they learned the choreography for President Trump’s upcoming military parade. “Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to tell you it’s step, twist, step, shuffle, lean-and-point, and point-and-roll?” a visibly furious Kelly said as he threw a chair across the military hangar, removed his scarf, and commanded the battalion to “just watch [him]” as he demonstrated the dance in front of a full-length mirror. “Again, do it again! We’ll stay here all night if we have to. Seriously, you call yourselves dancers? It’s like I’m working with a bunch of goddamn amateurs.” After exploding at a private first class whom he sent home for wearing the wrong boots, Kelly told everyone they were taking a “quick five,” and that when they returned, they had better do it right or he would be making some cuts.
Trump Tells Pentagon To Plan ‘Military Parade’ #~# The Pentagon is reviewing potential dates for a military parade after being asked by President Trump to plan an event similar to one he witnessed in France. What do you think?
Elon Musk Offering $1.2 Billion In Grants To Any Project That Promises To Make Him Feel Complete #~# FREMONT, CA—Calling his profound feelings of emptiness “almost too painful to bear,” Elon Musk, founder of Tesla, SpaceX, Neuralink, the Boring Company, and a variety of other tech and infrastructure firms, reportedly offered $1.2 billion in grants Wednesday to any project that could make him feel complete. “Even after all I’ve accomplished in this world, there is still a gaping hole inside of me that no amount of innovation or entrepreneurship has been able to fill,” said Musk, who added that he would consider funding any initiative, in any industry, at any scale that might begin to close the ever-widening chasm at the core of his being. “If you can prove that your venture will give me any measure of wholeness—anything, anything at all—my money is yours. All I ask in return is to feel some sense of purpose in this bleak and pointless existence.” Musk went on to offer an additional $1.2 billion to anyone who could show him the meaning of what people often refer to as “love.”
Trump Boys Forge Father’s Signature On Letters They Wrote Excusing Them From Any More Testifying #~# WASHINGTON—Hastily scrawling with crayons and markers, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump were reportedly forging their father’s signature Wednesday on letters they had written excusing them from any further testifying as part of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into their family’s role in potential Russian election interference. “To ALL it may conzern, my two beutiful Sons are herebye Excused from anymore testifonials to mean mister Muler,” the two wrote on dozens of pieces of construction paper before Donald Jr. falsified his father’s signature, following a heated hour-long argument over who did a better imitation of the president’s handwriting. “My son’s Eric Jr and Dom haev a realy bad sick thing in their throats Forever now so they cant talk to mr. Muller ever again and he should leave Them alone okay? Sincerly the Presdient of United states.” At press time, the Trump boys were enclosing the letters in envelopes addressed to a variety of government agencies, police departments, and fire stations around the country as well as affixing stickers of gold stars or American flags to ensure each envelope looked official.
OxiClean Unveils New Stain-Removing Fabric Scissors #~# EWING, NJ—Claiming their latest product will revolutionize the way America does laundry, the manufacturer of OxiClean held a press conference Wednesday to introduce their new stain-removing fabric scissors. “Our OxiCut-brand shears offer a convenient, fast-acting, chemical-free way to get the stubbornest of stains out of your clothing,” said company spokesperson Alan Dewitt, adding that the new scissors can remove tough wine, dirt, and blood stains months after they have set in to clothes and can also “work wonders” on upholstery and carpet. “OxiCut is small enough to fit in your pocket or handbag, making it perfect for on-the-go cleanups before a big date or interview. And, you won’t have to scrub or pretreat the fabric before doing laundry. With just a few quick snips, every trace of those coffee or sweat stains is gone forever.” Dewitt added that OxiCut should be kept out of reach of children and recommended calling a doctor immediately if the product is ingested or gets in one’s eyes.
Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Debating Between Hawaiian Luau- Or ‘X-Files’-Themed Wedding #~# LONDON—Claiming they wanted a ceremony that reflected who they really are as a couple, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle revealed Wednesday that they were debating between a Hawaiian luau- or X-Files-themed wedding. “At first I thought it would be fun to have a Hawaiian wedding because I love the beach, but Meghan is a huge X-Files fan, and having ‘I want to believe’ printed on the invitations would be pretty great,” said Prince Harry of Wales, noting that Meghan has dreamed about walking down the aisle to the X-Files theme music since she was 12 years old, and that it would be a nice touch to have personalized vows that ended with “Do you promise to seek the truth that is always out there?” “I still think a luau would be a blast though. You can get hundreds of leis for, like, 30 bucks. We could serve poke, kalua pork, and tropical drinks in those cool tiki cups. Plus, all the bridesmaids would be dressed up like hula dancers in grass skirts.” Prince Harry added that they were also considering a compromise by going with his grandmother Queen Elizabeth II’s suggestion of a Star Trek theme.
Poignant Dying Words Wasted On Dumbshit Nephew #~# NEWTON, MA—Lamenting that his final moments on this Earthly realm were spent alone with his sister’s “worthless-assed kid,” local man Walter Perkins told reporters Wednesday that his poignant dying words were wasted on his dumb-shit nephew. “Oh, great, I come up with this profound final speech about finding life’s meaning in one another and I throw it away on this little prick,” said Perkins, whose sage advice about accessing happiness, finding one’s true purpose, and learning to love with abandon would now fall on the ears of Jared, who spent his uncle’s last few seconds “sitting there slack-jawed,” intermittently interjecting the semantically empty linguistic fillers “right,” “uh huh,” and “word.” “This stuff is clearly going way over his head because I had this heartfelt and honest explanation of why I’m not afraid of dying, and he just nods with that stupid open-mouthed grin and says ‘cool, Uncle Walt.’ Christ. I told him to tell my daughter I loved her, and he fucking texted her.” As of press time, Perkins had realized his nephew was a fitting recipient for his dying thoughts after further reflection revealed his last words were, in point of fact, kind of shitty.
Scientist Developing Gadget To Transform Dog Barks Into English Language #~# An animal behavioral researcher in Arizona is developing technology that could make dog gestures understandable to humans in less than a decade, helping them comprehend what pet behaviors truly means. What do you think?
Report: Video Games Will Never Be Art #~# NEW YORK—Having concluded they are at best nice little distractions suitable for children and adolescents, researchers at Columbia University released a report Tuesday confirming video games will never reach the level of art. “Our findings show that video games can be a fun activity, especially for children 14 and younger, but they are no more than trivial pastimes and certainly not to be compared with serious artistic endeavors such as literature and music,” said Professor Clarence Wadleigh, stressing that developers of more serious games like The Witness or That Dragon, Cancer should abandon their futile attempts to create art if they ever want to make something that’s actually fun to play. “Based on our research, we must recommend that game designers who fancy themselves as artists come to terms with the fact that their work will never serve as anything more than light entertainment for young people. If they attempt anything more ambitious, then frankly, they’re only going to embarrass themselves.” Citing its nonlinear structure and “super fun puzzles,” Lantz added that the video game that came closest to reaching the level of art was definitely Banjo-Kazooie.
SpaceX Reveals All 400 Dogs On Falcon Rocket Failed To Survive Trip #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Explaining that the immense pressure and heat within the cabin had proved too much for their fragile canine bodies, SpaceX confirmed today that all 400 dogs aboard its Falcon Heavy prototype rocket failed to survive the trip into orbit. “Sadly, we must report that 315 adult dogs and 85 puppies made the ultimate sacrifice today,” said visibly distraught communications director John Taylor, adding that he hoped the owners of the dogs could take some solace in knowing that most of the animals were mercifully asphyxiated by extreme g-forces before temperatures inside the vehicle could burn them alive. “Vital signs detected by our sensors, along with the persistent whimpering sound being transmitted back to mission control, indicate that at least a handful of these cute little fellas survived the capsule’s exit of earth’s atmosphere. But unfortunately, they too will perish once the cabin’s supply of oxygen is depleted.” Though Mr. Taylor acknowledged today’s disaster represented a major setback for SpaceX’s heavy rocket program, he emphasized that the company would continue to move forward with plans to launch 700 chimpanzees into space next month.
Dow Plunges 1,175 Points #~# The Dow went into a historic free fall on Monday, closing 1,175 points lower than it opened. What do you think?
Determined Circle Of Friends Diligently Traces Back How They Got Onto This Conversation Topic #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Upon suddenly realizing none of them knew the origin of the current conversational subject, a determined circle of friends on Tuesday diligently traced back how their discourse arrived at the topic. “I remember we were talking about Ed Harris and how he’s in The Truman Show, but how did Connecticut come up?” 39-year-old Taylor Clark asked a group of focused friends, whose intensive review of the exchange revealed they had listed their favorite sci-fi movies, which led to a discussion of the space program and, from there, dream jobs, NASCAR, and which members of the group enjoyed driving. “Johnny brought up lunch with his parents, which reminded us of the deli scene in When Harry Met Sally, but I’m uncertain how we started talking about our families in the first place...Gracie had a tangent about vacations and Zach mentioned going back to Boston for his birthday, which inspired my story about clowns, but weren’t we also talking about cooking at one point?” At press time, the forensic investigation had been derailed by a discussion of favorite childhood meals.
Local Goose Finally Lands Spot At Tip Of ‘V’ #~# SARASOTA, FL—Telling reporters his hard work, tenacity, and dedication to the flock had at long last paid off, a local goose confirmed Monday he had finally landed the lead spot at the tip of the “V.”
Yoga Teacher Has Way Too Much On Plate To Fuck Any More Students Right Now #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—Using a towel to quickly wipe the sweat off his mat as the next class filed in, local yoga teacher Toby Castor told reporters Monday that he has way too much on his plate to fuck any more students right now. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good problem to have, but I’m completely tapped out from banging so many clients,” said Castor, sipping from a water bottle as he prepared for the third of four 90-minute group fuck sessions. “It sucks to turn away enthusiastic students who want you to bone them. Luckily, I was able to refer them to a colleague at the gym. I’ve got to save my energy so I don’t burn out before leading a retreat next month where I’ll be fucking 15 different students for an entire weekend.” At press time, Castor lamented that fucking such a large number of yoga students was forcing him to make too many sacrifices in his personal sex life. 
White Nationalist Movement: Myth Vs. Fact #~# Over the past few years, the white nationalist movement in the U.S. has seen the addition of more members and received significant media coverage. The Onion debunks some common myths about white supremacism in America.
Daniel Day-Lewis Obsessed With ‘Naked And Afraid’ #~# On a late-night show appearance, Phantom Thread director P.T. Anderson revealed that frequent collaborator Daniel Day-Lewis is fascinated by the Discovery channel reality show Naked And Afraid in which strangers strip naked and attempt to survive without food or water in a remote locale. What do you think?
Eagles Win Super Bowl #~# The Philadelphia Eagles claimed their first Super Bowl title in franchise history Sunday after proving victorious against the New England Patriots in a 41-33 upset. What do you think?
Minneapolis Shocked To Discover Thousands Of Super Bowl Attendees Left Without Seeing Rest Of City #~# MINNEAPOLIS— Perplexed by the utter absence of thronging tourists throughout places of interest, Minneapolis residents reported feelings of shock and dismay Monday upon discovering that thousands of Super Bowl attendees had simply left the Twin Cities immediately after the game without experiencing the rich culture the area has to offer. “My colleagues tell me there are no crowds whatsoever at the American Swedish Institute, local merchants say attendance is actually down at the Mall of America, and the parks department is confounded that few if any people have toured our many impressive local bodies of water,” said Minneapolis Sculpture Garden curator Lukas Svensson, who was forced to send most of his staff home Monday afternoon when droves of awestruck visitors from across the nation inexplicably failed to appear. “I personally can’t understand why no one wants to see our sculpture of a big spoon with a cherry perched jauntily on top, unless the 8-degree weather has something to do with it.” Civic leaders were reportedly not surprised whatsoever upon being told that the situation was identical in St. Paul, which they described as “a frozen, passive-aggressive suburb of Minneapolis made up of alternating churches and bars.”
Flustered Father Struggling To Answer All Of Son’s Questions About What Catch Is #~# ALBANY, NY—Feeling completely unprepared for such a difficult conversation, local father Michael Dorgan was reportedly struggling Monday to answer all his son’s questions about what a catch is. “God, this so awkward, he was watching the Super Bowl last night, and now he has so many questions and I can’t describe how it works,” said Dorgan, who admitted to stammering his way through an uncomfortable 10-minute explanation of what a football move is. “I tried bringing out a football to show him what maintaining possession means, but I think it just confused him more. And there was this painful silence after he asked about controlling the ball long enough to become a runner. How do you explain something as complicated and mysterious as that to your son? I wish he just asked his mother.” Dorgan added that something as important and complicated as what a catch is should definitely be taught in school.
MTA Reminds New Yorkers They Can Fucking Walk #~# NEW YORK—In response to numerous complaints regarding recent delays and route changes to the city’s public transportation system, Metropolitan Transportation Authority officials at a press conference Monday reminded residents that they can fucking walk. “While we always do our best to avoid inconveniencing our customers, city residents should be aware that at any time, they are more than welcome to get off their asses and use their two fucking feet to reach destinations,” said MTA spokesperson Reggie Dawes, adding that the city’s comprehensive street grid system is easily accessible on foot “for any lazy bastard” and should be used as an alternative method of transportation if customers are unable to wait “10 extra goddamn minutes” for their train or bus. “We apologize to anyone frustrated by interruptions in service of our incredibly intricate 24-hour transportation system that provides fast commutes in relative ease and comfort, but remember, you can always just shut the hell up and take a fucking hike. You know what else connects to major locations all over the city? The sidewalk, you ungrateful pieces of shit.” At press time, the MTA announced that multiple train and bus lines were running behind schedule and stressed that if commuters didn’t leave early enough or plan accordingly, it was not their fucking problem.
American Airlines Announces It Will No Longer Try To Match Seatmates By Interests #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Explaining that only a small percentage of passengers ever hit it off to the point that they carry on a conversation for the duration of their flight, American Airlines announced Monday it will no longer attempt to match seatmates by their personal interests. “For years, American Airlines has committed itself to pairing up travelers with similar backgrounds, careers, and hobbies in the hopes they would take pleasure in each other’s company while en route to their destination, but the time has come to phase out this service,” said CEO Doug Parker, noting that the company could no longer justify the long hours that thousands of employees were dedicating day after day to making sure every customer was seated next to someone with whom they would enjoy a friendly exchange. “We initially expected lively conversation and laughter to fill our cabins, with an occasional passenger or two perhaps even striking up a friendship that would endure long after the plane had landed. With few exceptions, however, we’ve found that the vast majority of people just want to put on their headphones or take a nap.” Parker went on to stress that American Airlines would never suspend its extremely successful program of making the suitcases of romantically compatible passengers roll out next to each other on baggage carousels.
Robert Wagner Now 'Person Of Interest' In Natalie Wood's Death #~# Nearly four decades after the starlet drowned off the coast of Santa Catalina island, former-husband Robert Wagner is now a person of interest in her death, investigators say. What do you think?
‘Well That’s Nice,’ Say Calm, Pleased Eagles Fans After Super Bowl Victory #~# PHILADELPHIA—Happily nodding their heads and shaking hands with each other in congratulations, thousands of pleased but calm Philadelphia residents reportedly said, “Well that’s nice,” Sunday after the Eagles’ Super Bowl victory over the Patriots. “This sure is swell. Both teams played a good game, but I’m glad we came out on top,” said local Eagles fan Jeremy Romano, who smiled and quietly began cleaning up beer cans and pizza boxes as his contented party guests quietly patted each other on the back while watching the Eagles receive the Lombardi Trophy. “Boy, it sure is nice to finally see the Eagles win the Super Bowl. The Patriots can hold their heads high, though, they really gave it their all. What a pleasant evening.” At press time, sources confirmed that a group of celebrating Philadelphia fans on the street had grabbed dozens of empty beer bottles and placed them in the appropriate recycling bin.
Eagles Fan Admits U.S. Bank Stadium Has Nicest Seats He’s Puked On #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Claiming the quality of the facilities had exceeded his expectations, Eagles fan Wes Fernley admitted Sunday that U.S. Bank Stadium had the nicest seats he has ever thrown up on. “I’ve been to some great stadiums in the past few years, but puking here was a really amazing experience,” said Fernley, who praised the venue’s large, well-placed LED screens that made it easy to follow to the action while doubled over vomiting from any direction. “I thought the new Giants’ stadium was a pretty nice place to hurl, but I’ve never barfed all over cleaner, more modern bathrooms. Plus, there are tons of amazing bars and restaurants to pass out in. Viking fans are so lucky they get to puke here every home game.” At press time, Fernley was praising the convenience of using the stadium’s app to find a great hoagie that he could retch after the game.
Friend Hosting Super Bowl Party Confirms There Still Plenty Of Room On Floor #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Allaying his friend’s concerns over the amount of space available to watch the game, local man Bryan Rogers confirmed Sunday that his Super Bowl party still has plenty of room on the floor. “You should definitely still come over, man, there’s a ton of places left to sit on the rug,” said Rogers, assuring his friend that prime spots in front of the ottoman and against the side of the armchair were wide open and had a clear views of the TV. “It’s gonna be great, dude, there’s an opening in front of the couch between Jesse and Jake’s legs you can squeeze right into. And we can move the coffee table up no problem if you need some legroom. Don’t worry about it.” At press time, Rogers’ guest was reportedly encouraged to grab a seat on a couch arm after arriving to find all the floor space occupied.
Report: 78% Of Puppy Bowl Participants Die Before Reaching 50 Weeks #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—Blaming the punishing physical toll the game takes on their bodies, an alarming report released Sunday by the National Center for Sports Safety revealed that 78 percent of Puppy Bowl participants die before reaching the age of 50 weeks. “Our data confirmed pugs, cocker spaniels, and huskies that participate in the Puppy Bowl rarely live to see 50 weeks,” said lead researcher James Henderson, noting that after 35 weeks, many former Puppy Bowl competitors no longer recognize the people rubbing their bellies, and simple acts like standing on their hind legs can cause excruciating pain. “Because these young canines are exposed to such brutal hits, by the end of their lives, most Puppy Bowl players can barely roll over, let alone chase around a sock. Many are in agony even when they are just gnawing on a squeaky toy. It’s devastating for families to watch former stars like Beebop and Wilma pass away in what should be their prime.” At press time, Puppy Bowl officials were denying any attempts to bury a previous study about the connection between hits on defenseless retrievers and peeing on the carpet.
Canadian National Anthem Given Gender-Neutral Language #~# A bill passed in Canada’s Senate will change the national anthem’s second line from “in all thy sons” to “in all of us” to make it more inclusive. What do you think?
United Airlines Cracking Down On Emotional Support Spouses #~# CHICAGO—Saying they were committed to providing safe and enjoyable air travel for all customers, United Airlines on Friday announced new guidelines to crack down on emotional support spouses. “Starting today, passengers will need to provide proof that their comfort husband or wife is fully vaccinated, as well as a letter from a medical professional outlining how the partner is trained to help,” said United Airlines spokesperson Ron Lightsey, noting that the stricter requirements are in response to a string of incidents, including one where an untrained emotional support spouse bit a flight attendant in the face, requiring hospitalization. “We’ve received numerous complaints of ill-behaved significant others who were loud, took up entire seats, and even threatened other passengers. United Airlines understands that traveling with your support mate is therapeutic for many people who would otherwise be too anxious to fly, but abuse of these policies has necessitated harsher regulation.” United Airlines also confirmed that the rule change would not affect caged spouses traveling in cargo.
Researchers Find Decline In Facebook Use Could Be Directly Linked To Desire To Be Happy, Fully Functioning Person #~# BERKELEY, CA—Researchers at University of California-Berkeley discovered Friday that a reduction in Facebook use could be directly linked to one’s desire to be a happy and fully functioning person. “Our data indicate that there may, in fact, be a relationship between yearning to be a self-realized human who enjoys being with other people in the real world and not spending every waking minute on artificial, once-removed social-interaction venues such as Facebook,” said lead scientist Dr. Charles Jennings, explaining that those who logged even marginally less time on the site displayed greater interest in performing basic physical activities, at least occasionally left their homes, and developed more meaningful relationships with others. “Furthermore, the vast majority of subjects did not miss ignoring others to bury their faces in their phones, endlessly obsessing over their public image, or mindlessly scrolling through a timeline in an attempt to fill a perceived void in their lives. Instead, most generally preferred things like experiencing the outside world, sleeping regularly, and allowing themselves the full range of human emotion.” Dr. Jennings added that the long-term psychological effects of decreased Facebook use are unclear, as the study had largely been conducted through polls and questionnaires on the UCB Psychology Department’s Facebook page.
Sci-Fi Film Presents Vision Of Future In Which Women Never Speak To Each Other #~# LOS ANGELES—Touted as a bold imagining of 26th-century life, the science fiction movie Day Of The Crimson proposes a vision of the future in which women rarely—if ever—speak to each other, sources confirmed Friday. “Even beyond its taut pacing and gorgeous cinematography, the film offers a glimpse at an alternate reality in which women still exist, but engage in no meaningful exchanges whatsoever,” said New York Times film critic A.O. Scott, noting that when the women of this advanced society do speak to each other, their dialogue centers around one or more prominent male characters. “In the lush world the filmmakers have created, one 500 years removed from our own, there seem to be be fewer women in general… Apart from the throngs of ever-present female sex robots, only a scant few appear, and none over the age of 40.” Despite early hype, several reviewers on the website Rotten Tomatoes claim the film—which was written by James Gunn, directed by Christopher Nolan, stars Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto, and opens in theaters nationwide June 9—borrows its female-conversation subplot from several thousand other movies released from 1927 to last week. 
‘Aha!’ Shouts Devin Nunes Pulling Back Shower Curtain In Hopes Of Revealing Hidden FBI Agent #~# WASHINGTON—Tiptoeing across the floor of his bathroom in stockinged feet to quiet his approach, California Representative Devin Nunes reportedly shouted, “Aha!” Thursday before pulling back a shower curtain in the hopes of revealing a hidden FBI agent. “You thought you could hide from me,” the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee screamed into the empty bathtub before cursing softly, diving to the floor, and rolling down the hallway to the kitchen where he proceeded to yank open cabinet doors, the refrigerator, and the oven’s broiler drawer while attempting to find a FBI agent concealed inside. “The jig is up! I’ve got you bastards now!”At press time, a bleary-eyed Nunes was frantically tearing all the stuffing out of his couch cushions in an unsuccessful attempt to locate an FBI surveillance van.
Scott Pruitt Orders EPA Employees To Stay In Office Over Weekend While It’s Being Fumigated #~# WASHINGTON—In a high-priority email sent to the entire staff, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt ordered all employees Friday to stay in the office over the weekend while it’s being fumigated. “This communication is to inform you that workers will be spraying down the office with fumigants this weekend, so everyone should please be here Saturday between the hours of 9 a.m. and 7 p.m.,” Pruitt wrote, noting that because the room will be filled with noxious pesticides, EPA employees would be expected to remain at their desks for the duration of the procedure. “In the interest of being thorough, agency procedure requires you remain in the building the entire day that toxic fumes are being released in the building and the windows be closed at all times.” Pruitt also attached a postscript reminding staffers to be in the office two weekends from now for a scheduled asbestos installation.
Japanese Researchers Create Edible Banana Peel #~# Scientists in Japan developed a banana with an edible peel by growing the fruit in ultra-cold conditions. What do you think?
Naked Mole-Rats Might Theoretically Be Able To Live Forever #~# Scientists at Google concluded that naked mole-rats are the first known mammal to not have an increased risk of death from age-related causes. What do you think?
Justin Timberlake Pulling Panicked All-Nighter After Realizing New Album Due Tomorrow #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Pacing anxiously between a piano and drum machine, pausing only to scrawl down hasty notes or blow into a recorder, elder pop statesman Justin Timberlake reportedly pulled a panicked all-nighter Thursday after realizing his fifth studio album, Man Of The Woods, was due the next morning. “I knocked out a single a few weeks ago, I threw together a trailer video, but I still have 15 songs to write by morning,” said the 37-year-old former boy-band star and current one-man hit factory while frantically flipping through old notebooks for inspiration. “Okay, I’ve been here before, I got this… Blue-eyed soul, maybe something that sounds country for the Wal-Mart crowd… Does ‘Man with a plan’ rhyme with ‘Livin’ off the land?’ Too late, it does now… Oh, oh, oh! I should call Alicia [Keys]. She’s always down for a last-minute cram duet.” As of press time, critics were calling the bleary-eyed Timberlake’s latest effort a timeless collection of scintillating pop standards.
Guantánamo Inmates Cheer After Learning Trump Saved Their Home #~# GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA—Applauding and cheering as news spread that their beloved, longtime home had been saved by executive order, the inmates of Guantánamo Bay celebrated Thursday in a spontaneous outpouring of both joy and relief. “President Trump really came through for us, my brothers—he saved the one place we’ve ever truly been able to call our own!” said 16-year prisoner and former Afghani herdsman Ghassan Abdullah al Sharbi, one of the dozens of men at Guantánamo who have been imprisoned without warrant, interrogated without restraint, and due to recent opposition, faced the possibility of having to leave the war prison where they have spent so many of their formative years as detainees. “I was worried the ACLU or Amnesty International or even the previous administration would close this unique place where I’ve spent nearly half my life and made some great friends, but now I get to stay right here. Thank you, President Trump—it’s people like you that reaffirm everything I believe.” At press time, the residents of Guantánamo Bay were holding an impromptu “block party” during their weekly 15 minutes of outdoor time.
FBI Warns Republican Memo Could Undermine Faith In Massive, Unaccountable Government Secret Agencies #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that such an action would be highly reckless, FBI Director Christopher Wray warned Thursday that releasing the “Nunes Memo” could potentially undermine faith in the massive, unaccountable government secret agencies of the United States. “Making this memo public will almost certainly impede our ability to conduct clandestine activities operating outside any legal or judicial system on an international scale,” said Wray, noting that it was essential that mutual trust exist between the American people and the vast, mysterious cabal given free rein to use any tactics necessary to conduct surveillance on U.S. citizens or subvert religious and political groups. “If we take away the people’s faith in this shadowy monolith exempt from any consequences, all that’s left is an extensive network of rogue, unelected intelligence officers carrying out extrajudicial missions for a variety of subjective, and occasionally personal, reasons.” At press time, Wray confirmed the massive, unaccountable government secret agencies were unaware of any wrongdoing for violating constitutional rights.
Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Set Up Bridal Registry At London-Area Target #~# LONDON—Prince Harry and Meghan Markle reportedly set up their wedding registry with discount retailer Target Thursday, including a variety of kitchen, home décor, and bath items on the list of gift options for their guests. “This luggage is a little pricey, but it would be nice to finally have a set of matching suitcases,” said Prince Harry of Wales while scanning the barcodes of picture frames, a flatware set, and a $30 Sunbeam Steam Master iron featuring a retractable cord. “They’ve got some pretty good coffee makers, too, you can just set the time and it’ll start brewing in the morning. Oh nice, the 20-piece Corelle dinnerware set comes with two different sizes of bowls.” At press time, the royal couple was hoping a family member would splurge and buy the nice pillows.
Man Prefers Comic Books That Don’t Insert Politics Into Stories About Government-Engineered Agents Of War #~# APOPKA, FL—Local man Jeremy Land reportedly voiced his preference Thursday for comic books that don’t insert politics into stories about people forced to undergo body- and mind-altering experiments that transform them into government agents of war. “I’m tired of simply trying to enjoy escapist stories in which people are tortured and experimented upon at black sites run by authoritarian governments, only to have the creators cram political messages down my throat,” said Land, 31, who added that Marvel’s recent additions of female, LGBTQ, and racially diverse characters to long-running story arcs about tyrannical regimes turning social outsiders into powerful killing machines felt like PC propaganda run amok. “Look, I get that politics is some people’s thing, but I just want to read good stories about people whose position outside society makes them easy prey for tests run by amoral government scientists—without a heavy-handed allegory for the Tuskegee Study thrown in. Why can’t comics be like they used to and just present worlds where superheroes and villains, who were clearly avatars for the values of capitalism, communism, or fascism, battle each other in narratives that explicitly mirrored the complex geopolitical dynamics of the Cold War?” At press time, Land was posting on a subreddit that he wished comics didn’t force him to identify with gay or black superheroes when all he wanted was stories about oppressive governments rounding up mutants whose only crime was to be born different.
Step By Step: How To Run A Successful Crowdfunding Campaign #~# Crowdfunding has become a popular way to raise money from friends, family, and strangers for everything from artistic projects to medical expenses. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide to running a successful crowdfunding campaign:
Black History Month Celebration Honors How Sharp African Americans Looked In Old-Timey Clothes #~# NEW YORK—Honoring their sartorial excellence at a time when most people dressed all frumpy, the Parsons School of Design celebrated the start of Black History Month Thursday by recalling how sharp African Americans looked in old-timey clothes. “Throughout February, as we recognize the countless contributions black citizens have made to this country, we should also acknowledge how unbelievably snazzy they looked in turn-of-the-century outfits, from the crisp trousers, to the bow ties, to the feathered headbands, to the ruffled dresses, and on and on,” said MFA Program Director Shelley Fox, highlighting the great strides made by cool 1920s-era jazz guys who could not only pull off the zoot suit and saddle shoe look, but managed to effortlessly tie the whole thing together with their pork pie hats tilted slightly askew. “That’s what this month is all about—looking back at those grainy black-and-white photos and marveling at the staggering number of African Americans who were dressed to the absolute nines.” Fox added that whatever one’s race, Black History Month was a good reminder that we can always endeavor to look spiffy.
Björk Spotted Leaving Nightclub With Mysterious Firefly Trapped Inside Bubble #~# NEW YORK—According to several eyewitness accounts, Icelandic singer and experimental artist Björk was reportedly spotted Wednesday night leaving a New York City nightclub with a mysterious firefly trapped within an ethereal bubble. “I can confirm that Björk was out and about in Manhattan last night canoodling with a flame-winged firefly imprisoned in a shimmering sphere, and you can bet we have pics,” said TMZ writer Alicia Yang of the potential fling between the 52-year-old musician and the mystical 4-foot-tall lightning bug with whom she spent much of the night spinning inside a prism of sparkling light several feet above the dance floor. “I’m also hearing that just after they left, these two lovebirds jumped straight into the same ostrich-drawn carriage and headed off toward towards her SoHo hotel, leaving nothing but lotus flowers and whalesong in their wake. Gosh, they make such a cute couple.” At press time, Björk had further stoked reports of her romance after she had enchanted a swan to deliver a love letter to her potential suitor by breathing a glittering vapor into its wings.
Cleveland Indians To Stop Using Chief Wahoo By 2019 #~# The Cleveland Indians announced that they will no longer use their controversial mascot on next year’s uniforms, although they will continue selling some merchandise featuring him. What do you think?
Laura Ingraham Apologizes For Mocking Florida Shooting Survivor #~# Under fire from viewers and advertisers, Laura Ingraham apologized Thursday for mocking Parkland shooting survivor David Hogg, expressing regret for “any upset or hurt my tweet caused.” What do you think?
EPA Rolls Back Emissions Standards To Increase Consumer Choice Over Type Of Apocalyptic Hellscape Earth Will Become #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to guarantee Americans the freedom to pick whichever mode of rapid ecological decay they desire, the Environmental Protection Agency rolled back federal emissions standards Friday to provide consumers with a broader choice over the type of apocalyptic hellscape Earth will inevitably become. “Bleak, post-industrial garbage desert, nightmarish inferno of eternal noxious flames, or glowing green toxic acid swamp—no matter which unsurvivable wasteland you favor, eliminating fuel economy and automotive emissions standards will provide car buyers far more options as to how their imminent dystopias will look,” said EPA chief Scott Pruitt, who said current burdensome auto industry regulations unfairly limit consumer choices between the human race dying in uninhabitable stretches of desert as far as the eye can see, drowning in an unending series of massive tsunamis, or slowly degrading into a genetically corrupt pseudo-race dwelling in cities overrun by half-human mutant predators. “While some people want a world where every man, woman, and child on the planet dissolves to the bone within seconds of being exposed to a corrosive atmosphere, others prefer Earth to become a land ruled by leather-clad warlords leading tribes of diseased and malnourished warriors into battle over the last few remaining drops of petroleum. The decision of how to best leave the planet a charred and blackened husk must be made by the American people and not the federal government.” According to sources, a protesting California is expected to stick with stricter standards, thereby restricting consumers to choose between a few basic hellscapes shrouded beneath jet-black clouds of poisonous exhaust.
Doctor Asks New Mother If She’d Like To Keep Newborn’s Exoskeleton #~# ANAHEIM, CA—Noting that the cast-off segments of the tiny carapace are a popular keepsake among parents, Dr. James Gallagher asked a new mother on Friday if she would like to save her newborn’s exoskeleton. “Many new parents hold onto their baby’s discarded outer epidermis as a memento,” said Gallagher, who noted that the baby instinctively forms its exoskeleton from detritus found in the womb, making it a uniquely individual, personal souvenir, but cautioning the newborn’s mother that the hardening natal skin should be pressed into a scrapbook or presentation frame before the fluids dried out. “It’s just a nice thing to remember the beautiful moment when your child molted, scuttling free from the rigid shell where it spent nine months growing. Plus, it’s fun to show them how tiny they used to be, and to count the little rings to see how many of their fellow spawnlings they consumed.” Gallagher added that some mothers take the exoskeleton home to eat for its perceived health benefits, but the practice is widely discouraged by medical professionals.
MLB Season Ends Over 200 Days Early After New Rules Speed Up Games Way Too Much #~# NEW YORK—With players, coaches, and executives around the league admitting that the sudden finish had taken them completely by surprise, sources confirmed that the Major League Baseball season ended Thursday night over 200 days earlier than expected after new rules designed to make games take less time sped them up way too much. “We were anticipating that our new guidelines would reduce the amount of time in a nine-inning game, but we absolutely weren’t expecting that the average game would take only one minute and three seconds to play,” said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred, adding that rules designed to limit mound visits and cut down on commercial breaks ended up accelerating game times to such a degree that the first half of the season wrapped up at around 4:48 p.m. yesterday afternoon. “We definitely did see the games go much faster than last year, especially during the three-hour second half of the season. But then after the Milwaukee Brewers beat the Houston Astros 7-6 in a thrilling four-minute, 12-inning game to clinch the World Series title in six, we realized the season was over. The league would like to congratulate Mike Trout on his MVP-winning Triple Crown season, as well as the Brewers’ Chase Anderson on his surprise Cy Young campaign. We’ll see you all in 2019, I guess.” Sources confirmed that among those disappointed by the results of the season were the New York Yankees, who barely finished above .500 after slugger Giancarlo Stanton missed over 70 games while he was in the bathroom.
George Thorogood Fan Disgusted To Learn Musician Licensed ‘Bad To The Bone’ For Commercial Purposes #~# HAMMOND, IN—George Thorogood fan Hank Flores was disgusted to learn Friday that the white-boogie-blues musician had licensed his single “Bad To The Bone” for commercial purposes, expressing disbelief that one of his musical and philosophical idols would sell out in such a fashion. “Man, that song used to really mean something to me,” said a disillusioned Flores, lamenting that Thorogood’s musical celebration of outsiderdom and artistic rebellion rings hollow now that the iconic, subversive anthem had been used in a marketing context. “When it first came out, I was truly and deeply moved—I felt like it spoke directly to my struggles as a heartbreaking nonconformist from central Indiana. But now I feel almost ashamed even though, really, it’s a betrayal...You almost have to ask yourself if George was just doing the whole rebel thing as some kind of act.” At press time, Flores was even more disgusted upon discovering that one of his favorite bands, The Troggs, had done the same thing with their single “Wild Thing.”
‘I Don’t Fit Into Any Of Corporate America’s Little Boxes,’ Says Single, 18-To-36-Year-Old Hispanic Female With Brand Loyalty To Tom’s, Chobani #~# LOS ANGELES, CA—Declaring herself a unique and sovereign individual who can’t be quantified by demographics or pigeonholed by big business, Carla Martín, a single, childless, 18-to-36-year-old bilingual Hispanic female with brand loyalty to Tom’s shoes and Chobani Greek yogurt and who expects to take two airline flights in 2018, told reporters Friday that she doesn’t fit into any of corporate America’s little boxes. “I’m more than just a collection of statistics,” said Martín, a college graduate in the $50,000 to $75,000 income bracket who supports center-left political causes, visits the two coffee shops in her neighborhood an average of 2.6 times each per week, prefers but does not exclusively purchase organic food, uses less than 75 percent of the allotted mileage on her leased Volkswagen Passat every month, enjoys listening to Imagine Dragons and Ed Sheeran, is currently in the market for a new floor lamp, and whom algorithms predict has an 89 percent chance of buying the Chelsea Sectional model from Pottery Barn. “You can’t put a label on me. I’m a free spirit who will never be a pawn in some big marketing scheme.” Martín later headed off to a metalworking class, a new interest of hers that she feels demonstrates her unpredictable personality and was recommended to her by Groupon.
Laura Ingraham Claims Protesting Parkland Students Don’t Have Enough Gun Knowledge To Criticize Nicholas Cruz #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming the nationally celebrated students should be disqualified from taking any stance on the issue, Fox News host Laura Ingraham said Friday that protesting Parkland high schoolers are insufficiently knowledgeable concerning guns to criticize Nicholas Cruz. “These are just ignorant kids who don’t know the first thing about the manufacture, operation, or care of firearms, yet they think they have the right to attack Nicholas Cruz,” said Ingraham, who asserted the Parkland shooting survivors’ lack of knowledge about the difference between automatic and semiautomatic weapons, bullets and cartridges, or magazines and clips constituted proof they should shut their mouths instead of demonizing Cruz. “These kids don’t know the four common components of ammunition, or the difference between revolvers and semiautomatic pistols, and they probably think AR means ‘assault rifle.’ So who are they to say anything about his rights as a gun owner? If you don’t know anything about guns, then shut up and stop complaining about Nicholas Cruz, who legally purchased his rifle.” Ingraham also added that the Parkland students should stop demonizing their opponent merely because of his ownership and lethal use of firearms and instead engage Cruz in honest, respectful debate.
Walmart Pulling ‘Cosmo’ From Checkout Lines #~# Responding to complaints that the magazine contained “hyper-sexualized” content, retail giant Walmart will no longer stock Cosmopolitan in checkout lines, although it will still be available in magazine aisles. What do you think?
Conair Releases New Double-Sided Curling Iron For Flawless Burns #~# STAMFORD, CT—Promising more evenly charred skin than any product on the market, Conair on Friday unveiled its new Third-Degree Pro, a double-sided curling iron designed to produce absolutely flawless burns. “The Third-Degree Pro model uses our patented thermal technology to deliver fuller, more voluptuous blistering and singeing, which it inflicts in half the time of other curling irons,” said Conair representative Molly Apsey, adding that the device’s internal sensors would guarantee consistent heat for precision scorching across the hands, face, ears, and neck. “With its fast-heating, ceramic double barrel, you can achieve a full head of burns that set in seconds and last throughout the day. Plus, the 400-degree, adjustable-temperature dial allows users to create bigger, bolder wounds.” Apsey added that for a limited time, the new curling iron would come with a specially formulated smoothing burn cream to give scar tissue extra shine and tame loose skin.
Scientists Discover New Human Organ #~# Researchers have discovered a never-before-seen organ in humans called the interstitium, which consists of a number of interconnected, fluid-filled compartments found throughout the body. What do you think?
Heineken Apologizes For Racist Ad With New Special-Release ‘Blacks Only’ Beer #~# WHITE PLAINS, NY—Acknowledging the insensitivity of its recent “Lighter Is Better” TV campaign and promising to do better in the future, beer manufacturer Heineken apologized for airing a racist ad Thursday by launching a limited-release “Blacks Only” beer. “We at Heineken want to reach out and apologize to our African-American customers by introducing a special-edition line of ‘Blacks Only’ low-calorie lagers,” said Heineken spokesperson Cara Jarvis, who divulged that the new beer will be available at clearly labeled “Blacks Only” taps and store displays conveniently placed separately from, but priced equally to, its other available beers. “It was never our intent to imply African Americans aren’t welcome to enjoy our products, and we intend to rectify this misstep by hosting launch events exclusively for our black customers in special seating areas in the backs of bars across the country.” Heineken’s racial blunder is considered the most egregious by the brewer since its infamous “Hey, America, Let’s Bring Back Slavery!” campaign, which ran from 1974-1977.
San Diego Zoo Unveils Severed Rhino Head Attached To Steel Frame As Part Of New Conceptual Wildlife Exhibit #~# SAN DIEGO—In an effort to challenge traditionally held views about animals and their habitats, the San Diego Zoo announced this week the opening of a new conceptual wildlife exhibit that features the severed head of a rhinoceros affixed to a large, tempered-steel frame.
Pope Francis Asks Congregation If It’s Okay If They Do A Low-Key Easter This Year #~# VATICAN CITY—In an effort to make the holiday as stress-free as possible for everyone, Pope Francis asked congregants gathered at St. Peter’s Basilica Thursday if it would be okay to just do a low-key Easter this year. “I know we usually get dressed up and make a big deal out of Easter, but wouldn’t it be nice if just this once we had one laid-back mass on Sunday and then called it a day?” said the Supreme Pontiff, noting that while he loved the tradition, he was completely swamped for most of Lent and did not have much time to prepare for the Christian festival this year. “We can definitely do a little communion Easter morning, and maybe we’ll have a quick homily, but, honestly, can we all just save ourselves the hassle and skip Good Friday?” At press time, the Pope was stressing that Easter was really about spending time with loved ones while wondering aloud if it might be better for everyone to just grab brunch at a bistro in Rome’s Flaminio district.
Police Repeatedly Shoot Tim Cook After Mistaking iPhone For Gun #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Explaining that they took immediate action against what they perceived to be a threat, local police officers repeatedly shot Apple CEO Tim Cook after mistaking an iPhone he was holding for a gun, sources confirmed Thursday. “Law enforcement saw the suspect reach into his pocket and take out what looked like a firearm, and, believing their lives to be in danger, acted quickly to neutralize the assailant,” said a spokesman for the Cupertino Sheriff’s Office after an officer shot the CEO 18 times in under a minute at a press event for the upcoming iPhone 11. “We received a call reporting suspicious activity in the area, and officers arriving on the scene witnessed a man standing on a stage holding what appeared to be a handgun. At such a large public gathering, we couldn’t risk not moving to stop him by any means necessary, which is why our officer opened fire.” Sources reported that surveillance footage from the event also shows officers stepping over Cook’s dead body and firing multiple rounds at an image of the iPhone 11 on a video screen, believing it to be a large gun.
Horrified Geologists Uncover Millions Of Rocks In Sprawling Mass Grave #~# FREMONT COUNTY, CO—Retching in disgust as their excavation revealed the chilling extent of the burial site, geologists from the University of Colorado were reportedly horrified Thursday after uncovering millions of rocks in a sprawling mass grave. “My God, what kind of monster would do something like this?” said lead researcher Charles Watras, wiping a tear from his eye as he surveyed the layers of bleached-white stones spreading out in every direction. “We can only imagine what sort of atrocities were committed here. Certainly, whoever did this had no respect for the basic dignity of rocks. Christ, some of them were only pebbles.” At press time, all the color had drained from Watras’ face after coming across a specimen so mangled and disfigured it was barely recognizable as a boulder.
A Timeline Of Mass Protests In U.S. History #~# Last weekend’s March For Our Lives continued what has been an increase in mass protests during the Trump era. The Onion looks back at the some of the largest and most influential protests in American history.
Researchers Find That Spanking Your Children Is Incredibly Fun #~# NEW YORK—According to a new study published Thursday in the journal Modern Parenting: Principles And Practice, the act of forcibly spanking one’s children is not only 100 percent effective but also incredibly fun. “After months spent watching parents discipline their kids aged 2-8 years, we found that nothing is quite as enjoyable or cathartic for them as laying their son or daughter over one knee and whaling on them for a while,” said lead researcher Dr. Amie Tapplemore, who recorded large spikes in the parents’ dopamine levels with each successive blow regardless of whether they used their hand, a paddle, or a belt. “In subsequent surveys, we also noticed that after administering a spanking, parents tend to feel more powerful and in control of their lives—something children seem to sense when they inevitably turn around to their mother or father and offer a sincere apology for misbehaving.” The study also found that the harder and more frequently a child is spanked, the less often they have issues resulting from the experience later in life.
Steven Spielberg Says Netflix Films Don’t Deserve Oscars #~# In a recent interview, director Steven Spielberg said that films on streaming services without a theatrical release should not receive Oscars, saying that such productions are akin to “TV movies.” What do you think?
Actress Allegedly Bites Beyoncé's Face #~# During an interview with GQ, Tiffany Haddish revealed that an unnamed actress bit Beyoncé on the face while at a party in Los Angeles. What do you think?
Lame Cyberattack On Atlanta Doesn’t Even Turn ATMs, Street Sweepers Into Killing Machines #~# ATLANTA—Saying the hackers who accessed city government computers last week clearly did a shitty job, sources confirmed Wednesday that the lame cyberattack on Atlanta had failed to do anything awesome, like turn ATMs, parking meters, or street-sweeping vehicles into relentless killing machines. “When I heard about the attack, I expected street sweepers to go on an unstoppable rampage through the city or ATMs to suddenly explode on busy sidewalks, killing hundreds of pedestrians, but nothing like that has happened at all,” said Atlanta resident Dan Martínez, 33, adding that the sorry-ass hackers had not even managed to turn inkjet printers or washing machines into weapons with which they could execute citizens at will. “All that’s happened so far is that I can’t use the free wifi at the airport or pay my water bill online. Oh, no! Whatever will we do? Who will save us from this deadly menace? It’s just pathetic.” When informed that the hackers had not disrupted a single 911 call and were only asking for about $50,000 in ransom, Martínez wondered aloud what the hell was wrong with cybercriminals these days.
Man Who Never Missed ‘Ally McBeal’ Back In The Day Joins Trump Legal Team #~# WASHINGTON—In the latest shakeup to their defense of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia probe, President Trump’s legal team reportedly welcomed Wednesday a guy who never missed an episode of Ally McBeal back in the day. “We’re excited today to be joined by Ron Farkus, an Ohio man who tuned in every week between 1997 and 2002 to watch Fox’s beloved Calista Flockhart vehicle about the eccentric and oversexed Boston law firm Cage and Fish,” said top Trump lawyer Ty Cobb, adding that the 43-year-old Farkus has years of valuable experience owning the legal comedy-drama television series’ DVD box set, watching every episode “a bunch of times,” and even memorizing several of Flockhart’s famous quips from the show. “We look forward to working with Mr. Farkus, whose expertise in the antics of Ally, Richard, and Elaine both in and out of the courthouse will be of great use to us, as will his intimate knowledge of the ensemble’s ever-shifting love triangles, their outlandish courtroom battles, and the recurring dancing babies.” At press time, Farkus had been let go and replaced by a man who’s seen every episode of USA’s Suits, moments before that individual lost his position to some dude who used to watch the CBS legal drama JAG pretty regularly.
Mark Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony By Poring Over Lawmakers’ Personal Data #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Accessing the data his platform has harvested over the years from its nearly 2 billion users, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly prepared Wednesday for his upcoming congressional testimony by poring over the personal information of U.S. senators and representatives. “Let’s see here, as long as I get these analytics down pat, I should be able to accurately predict their behavior and opinions and deliver a message they can immediately fall in line with,” said Zuckerberg, who carefully studied the private data Facebook has obtained from members of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, as well as their constituents, in hopes of manipulating the lawmakers’ behavior and keeping his company unregulated. “Once I’ve learned their exact personality traits from these data profiles, all I’ll need to do is tailor my responses in a way that preys on their hidden vulnerabilities. With all the good stuff here, I should be able to get those dumbfucks eating out of my hand and make it out of there in an hour, tops.” At press time, sources confirmed Zuckerberg was researching the lurid details of the committee members’ personal lives and looking for something he could use as an icebreaker in his opening remarks.
Handwriting Expert Confirms Killer Used Cursive #~# BALTIMORE—Concluding that the murderer left evidence containing a distinctive style of penmanship, police handwriting expert Elizabeth Simeon, 29, confirmed that an inscribed piece of paper found at the scene of a homicide Sunday morning was almost certainly a note written in cursive. “By the looks of these long, looping, interconnected shapes, which are arranged in regular proximity to one another but leave space between what I believe to be words, I’m willing bet that whoever killed this man meant for us to find this—a note, written in hand-drawn ‘cursive’ script,” said Simeon, staking her 25 years of experience in reading things on the theory that the killer had not just scribbled random lines on a sheet of paper. “See here, how this weird shape almost looks like an ‘F’ from a certain angle? I believe it is, in fact, an F—that’s the sort of thing we might expect from someone using cursive. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if this individual had some sort of formal training.” Simeon requested the services of an FBI specialist in order to decipher the note, but has, in the meantime, conducted a chemical analysis of the ink splatter and claims to be 99 percent certain the killer’s implement of choice was, in fact, a pen.
Jeff Bezos Tables Latest Breakthrough Cost-Cutting Idea After Realizing It’s Just Slaves #~# SEATTLE—Deciding at the last minute to hold off due to ethical concerns, Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly set aside his latest cost-cutting initiative Wednesday after realizing it was actually human slavery. “On the surface, it seemed plausible—owning our employees’ bodies, implementing a mandatory 18-hour workday, restricting their movements, and not compensating them with anything besides minimal food and shelter—but then it started to sound really familiar in a bad way,” said Bezos, who acknowledged his fears were confirmed when Amazon’s general counsel kept reporting back that such labor arrangements had been illegal throughout the United States since 1865. “It’s too bad; the increased efficiency and cost savings would have been tremendous. And now I have to go explain to our shareholders why I spent $1.8 million outfitting all of our managers with bullwhips, shackles, and branding irons.” Bezos went on to describe the setback as temporary, saying it wouldn’t matter in five to 10 years when his entire workforce was robots.
Overworked Nation Wishes It Could Just Unplug From It All Like Puerto Rico #~# WASHINGTON—Daydreaming about taking a break from the day-to-day grind of modern life, an overworked U.S. populace announced Wednesday that sometimes it wishes it could just unplug from it all the way they did in Puerto Rico. “Whenever my workday gets hectic, I think about how lucky they are to be on this tropical island where they’re totally off the grid and can just relax,” Dallas-based financial consultant Erica Dickinson said of the nearly 200,000 residents who have remained without power since Hurricane Maria made landfall in Puerto Rico in September 2017. “I’d give just about anything for some time away from the ol’ inbox. Imagine—no emails, no texts, no communication with the outside world for six months? It must be so nice to unwind and get away from all the hustle and bustle like that.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation had sighed and expressed its hope that maybe someday that kind of peace and quiet would be available somewhere within the contiguous United States.
‘Roseanne’ Returns #~# More than 30 years after its debut, Roseanne has returned to ABC to depict the working-class struggles of the titular character and her husband, Dan. What do you think?
5th-Grade Teacher Can Already Tell Kids About To Go Apeshit For Ending Of ‘The Giver’ #~# CASPER, WY—Saying she could hardly wait to see the looks on their faces as they finish the last few pages, fifth-grade teacher Melissa Botzki told reporters Wednesday she can already tell the kids in her class are about to go apeshit over the ending of Lois Lowry’s The Giver. “They have no idea what’s coming, and when it finally happens, they’re going to go fucking nuts,” said Botzki, who observed that the students had been lulled into a false sense of security by the 1994 Newbery Award winner and revealed that she looked forward to seeing their preconceptions shatter before their naïve little eyes as they read the final pages. “I wouldn’t be surprised if I had to spend the rest of class discussing the author’s intent or devote an entire day to a heated debate about the meaning behind the book’s ending. Judging by how complacent they are right now, when they finally reach the end of that last chapter, they’ll absolutely lose their shit.” In related news, schoolyard sources report that none of Botzski’s pupils had done the required reading.
Gunmaker Remington Files For Bankruptcy #~# Remington, one of America’s oldest gunmakers, filed for bankruptcy this week, allowing the maker of the AR-15 rifle to stay in business and shed its massive debt. What do you think?
Law Enforcement Questions Why Alton Sterling Was Even Black In The First Place #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—Following the Louisiana Attorney General’s conclusion that the victim’s shooting death at the hands of police was justified, law enforcement officials questioned Tuesday why Alton Sterling had even been black in the first place. “The fact is that Mr. Sterling clearly knew exactly what he was doing when he decided to go out being black that night,” said Louisiana attorney general Jeff Landry, noting that bystander video proved 37-year-old Sterling was “very clearly black” upon exiting the convenience store and persisted in his blackness while being held down by officers and shot three times in the chest; when he continued being black, officers shot Sterling three more times in the back. “Look, statistically speaking, no one in their right mind has a reasonable expectation to be black like that and not find trouble with law enforcement. Our officers merely responded in the fashion they were taught, trained, and socialized to do, namely pinning the black man down and shooting him several times.” Landry added that new community-building programs would hopefully bridge the gap between law enforcement and the misguided crowds that still believe they can uneventfully go out at night while black.
Study Finds 12,000 Americans Die Annually In What Are Made To Look Like Car Accidents #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—Concluding that the official accounts of the collisions always seem perfectly believable, a study released Tuesday by the University of North Carolina Highway Safety Research Center found that 12,000 Americans die annually in what are made to look like automobile accidents. “According to our data, around a third of all traffic deaths in the United States result from circumstances intended to give any suspicious parties the impression that it’s a simple, open-and-shut car crash,” said lead researcher Dr. Natalie Hajek, explaining that the majority of such fatalities occurred at night when visibility along roadsides was obscured and highway conditions were adverse enough that it wouldn’t leave people asking any questions. “Whether it’s a tractor trailer that would seem to anyone watching to be unintentionally careening off a cliff, or a sedan with conveniently damaged brake lines that veers into a lake, evidence indicates these wrecks all appear to happen in ways meant to throw any nosy detectives off the scent.” Researchers recommended that motorists could ensure their own safety by refraining from angering the wrong people and should exercise extreme caution by keeping their damn traps shut.
Census Adds Question Asking Participants To Identify Any Unpatriotic Neighbor #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the measure was necessary to provide more thorough statistical data on the country’s populace, the U.S. Department of Commerce announced Tuesday that a question asking participants to identify any unpatriotic neighbors was added to the 2020 decennial census. “This will aid the U.S. Census Bureau in finally gaining an accurate count of citizens who do not staunchly support the nation’s leaders and policies,” said Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, adding that the new questionnaire would prompt respondents to submit the names of any friend, family member, or acquaintance in their community who does not express only the utmost devotion to their country or who voices skepticism about the current administration. “The aim of this question is only to provide complete and precise block-level census data on the traitorous demographic. The information will only be used in policy-making processes and determining the allocation of government funds for services such as law enforcement.” Ross added that residents who refused or neglected to provide complete and correct information would be immediately registered in the 2020 U.S. Census as disloyal and would face stiff punishment.
Teens Spend Wild Spring Break In D.C. Begging Lawmakers For Their Lives #~# WASHINGTON—Cheering, yelling, and generally running rampant through the nation’s capital, a group of teens were reportedly spending a wild spring break in Washington, D.C. Tuesday begging lawmakers for their lives. “These kids are all over the place, showing no restraint whatsoever while pleading with their representatives to stop the killing,” said onlooker James McCormick, 40, who described watching hundreds of high school students pouring into the streets and holding loud, raucous protests for hours at a time demanding legislators take action to prevent the slaughter of their classmates. “There must be hundreds of them making a spectacle of themselves and completely disrupting normal D.C. life with their incessant entreaties against being murdered by weapons of war. I don’t think they’ve let up on holding their elected officials accountable for their records on gun control once since the weekend. Where do they get all this energy from?” At press time, McCormick conceded that these teenagers may as well go nuts now, since it would only be a few years before they started to mellow out about the potential of getting shot at any time they’re out in public. 
Most Influential U.S. Secretaries Of State #~# President Trump’s controversial firing of his secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, partially due to disagreements over foreign policy, has put the spotlight on the role of the head of the U.S. State Department. The Onion looks back at some of the most influential U.S. secretaries of state.
City Of Baltimore Targeting Young Professionals With New ‘You Get Used To It’ Campaign #~# BALTIMORE—In an effort to boost economic growth by encouraging recent college graduates to move to their city, Baltimore officials unveiled Tuesday a new advertising campaign targeting young professionals that centers on the tagline, “You get used to it.” “Most newcomers to Baltimore discover that, after a while, they are able to adjust their expectations to a point where they can live with what this place has to offer,” said Baltimore Development Corporation president William H. Cole IV, noting that the city boasts a few museums worth checking out and neighborhoods that begin to seem bustling and fun if one has lived there a couple years and has nothing better to compare them to. “In other words, you get used to it. We have some halfway-decent bars and restaurants that you’ll come to appreciate once your standards aren’t quite what they used to be. And, in time, if you let go of some of the big dreams you came here with as a bright-eyed twentysomething, you’ll even start to see that we have some employment opportunities in this city you may find adequate enough to carve a career out of.” Cole confirmed the ad campaign will also emphasize that Baltimore has a small handful of areas that young professionals will feel safe walking through when the dilapidated public transportation system inevitably fails them and they have no other way to get around.
Point/Counterpoint: Oh, Are The PC Police Here To Arrest Me For Havin’ Opinions? vs. Sir, We Are The Regular Police And You Need To Come Out Of That Slide #~# Well, well, well. Look who decided to come out of their safe space to oppress another honest American. What’s wrong, have I somehow “offended” you? Am I in “trouble?” Well, tough shit, buddy. ’Cause I’ll come right out and say it: Nothing will ever stop me from speaking my mind. Who the hell do you think you are, anyway? 
Report: Sharks To Only Kill 10 People This Year But One Of Them Will Be You #~# WOODS HOLE, MA—A report released Tuesday by the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution revealed that only 10 individuals will fall victim to fatal shark attacks in 2018; however, you will be one of the victims. “Taken as a whole, the number of people killed by sharks annually has remained fairly low, which is great news for surfers, sailors, divers, and ocean swimmers, but not for you—one of the unlucky 10 who will be implacably hunted by the most perfect predator nature has ever devised, dragged beneath the waves so quickly you will be unable to draw a last breath, and torn limb from limb with a savagery that will terrify dolphins 10 miles away,” read the report in part before going on to prove mathematically and logistically, and with the use of many statistically sound probabilistic and actuarial models, that sometime before the year is out, a shark will certainly kill you. “Now, to be clear, it would be irresponsible of us not to mention that most sharks are actually afraid of humans, and in general one’s chances of a deadly encounter are astronomically small. Not yours, of course. Because of sharks, you’re as good as dead.” The ominous report is expected to reach you the same day as the much happier news that you have won an all-expenses-paid trip to Australia.
White House Order Would Ban Most Transgender Troops  #~# An order issued Friday by President Trump bars transgender individuals from serving in the armed forces, setting the stage for a lengthy legal battle and eventual Supreme Court decision. What do you think?
Millions Of Americans March Nationwide Against Gun Violence #~# Roughly two million Americans joined the March For Our Lives this weekend to protest gun violence in the U.S., with 800,000 attending in Washington, D.C. alone. What do you think?
Dana Loesch Rethinking Loyalties After Seeing How Much Airtime Teen Activists Getting #~# DALLAS—Contemplating how pivoting away from her hardline pro-gun stance might boost her career, National Rifle Association spokeswoman Dana Loesch was reportedly rethinking her loyalties Monday after witnessing the sheer amount of airtime teen anti-gun activists had garnered in recent weeks. “These Parkland kids are on every major broadcast and cable network, and what’s more, they’ve been on persistently for days. If I could build that kind of buzz around my name, I’d turn against guns this second,” said Loesch, marveling at prominent young activist Emma González’s 1.44 million Twitter followers before mentally drafting a statement that could convincingly frame a strong moral stance on the issue of gun control. “Man, if I could just get one killer anti-gun sound bite out there—or, hell, maybe even just something about my own worries as a mother—I’d actually make it onto some real news networks instead of just NRATV. I’d even shut my goddamned mouth for six minutes and 20 seconds if those minutes were on CBS.” At press time, Loesch was carefully reviewing each of 2018’s mass shootings to decide which of the 69 she could plausibly credit for her sudden change of heart.
NRA Calls For More Common-Sense Gun Deaths #~# FAIRFAX, VA—In response to the March For Our Lives protest led by student activists who survived the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting, the National Rifle Association reportedly issued a statement Monday calling for more common-sense gun deaths. “Now, more than ever, what we need are more shooting deaths resulting from defending one’s family from home invaders or getting revenge—the types of clear, logical gun deaths with widespread approval,” said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, adding that the contentious national conversation on gun control overlooked many common-sense gun deaths that both sides could agree on. “We believe that owning a gun is a Second Amendment right, and the solution here is certainly not harsher gun deaths. We can avoid senseless tragedies by encouraging more Americans to kill someone with a firearm in a more defensible and reasonable way. I’m sure we all can agree that we’d rather see a teen accidentally shoot their friend from a deer blind or unintentionally kill their sibling after finding their parents’ rifle under the bed than turn a gun on their classmates. We’re calling on law enforcement to kill more African Americans during traffic stops and more people with mental health issues to use guns for suicide—the kinds of gun deaths that we as Americans can live with.” LaPierre also told reporters that any action on the issue should take inspiration from the kinds of common-sense gun deaths in other countries perpetuated by American soldiers.
NRA Says Parkland Students Should Be Grateful For Guns Giving Them Such A Memorable Bonding Experience #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Reminding them to appreciate the lifetime of memories they will never forget, the National Rifle Association announced Monday that Parkland students should be grateful to guns for giving them such an unforgettable bonding experience. “These protesting students should be thankful to guns for an exciting adventure where they’ve made lots of great new friends,” said NRA President Wayne LaPierre, who explained that firearms provided the Parkland students with a community of like-minded people who they could hang out with, as well as plenty of fresh air and exercise they might not have gotten otherwise. “You’ve met all kinds of exciting new chums, you’ve gone on a trip to Washington, D.C., and you have an amazing story you can tell your grandkids, all because of guns. You should count yourself lucky that guns brought you together with classmates you might never have talked to before, because students in countries with more strict gun laws will never experience that kind of deep connection.” LaPierre added that the students could show a little respect and gratitude for what happened by donating to their local chapter of the NRA.
Jonathan Safran Foer Guesses It’s Time To Give Up On Silly Little Dream Of Becoming Good Writer #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Saying that if it were going to happen for him it probably would have by now, award-winning author Jonathan Safran Foer conceded Monday that perhaps it was time to grow up and let go of his “childish pipe dream” of becoming a good writer one day. “I’ve tried my hand at this writing thing for a couple decades now, and I don’t have a goddamn thing to show for it,” said the author of Everything Is Illuminated and Eating Animals, observing that while he should probably hang it up for good, he could always continue writing as a hobby on nights and weekends. “I had my shot, but I’m getting older now and really can’t afford to be delusional about this anymore. Do I really want to hit middle age, look up, and realize I’m still just sitting around the house trying to write my little stories? I’ve had my head in the clouds long enough.” Foer added that he probably should have moved on to something else, noting that he always imagined he’d have a real knack for marketing.
It Kind Of Pathetic How Excited 3-Year-Old Is To See Daddy Home From Work #~# ATHENS, OH—Noting the “sad fucking glimmer in his eye” as he opened the front door, sources confirmed Monday that it was kind of pathetic how excited local 3-year-old Jackson Ross was to see his dad return from work. “The second that car pulled into the driveway, the kid raced to the window, jumped up and down, and just started shouting, ‘Daddy! Daddy!’ like a goddamn lunatic,” said one witness, adding that the way-too-eager toddler totally embarrassed himself as he proceeded to show his dad a bunch of his lame-ass toys as if the man doesn’t see them every single fucking day. “Easy there, bud. You were with him just this morning. If you think he’s even half that happy to see you, you’re delusional. Seriously, show some self-respect.” At press time, sources confirmed that Jackson was still pitifully trying to get the attention of his father, who was sipping bourbon in silence.
Man Assumed Celebrity Sighting Would Do More For His Career #~# AKRON, OH—After unexpectedly running into actor Jeff Garlin during a recent trip to Los Angeles, local man Richard Grover admitted to reporters Monday that he assumed the chance sighting would do more for his career. “When I met the guy who plays Larry David’s agent on Curb Your Enthusiasm, I sort of felt like things would start picking up for me or something, but so far it’s been pretty quiet,” said Grover of his brief encounter, which he confirmed had yet to lead to any phone calls, emails, or text messages about any exciting new job opportunities. “It’s like people hear me explaining how I approached Jeff, asked for a picture, and was told, ‘I like your shirt,’ but they don’t immediately ask to see my résumé. I don’t understand—We’re talking about the star of ABC’s The Goldbergs. My phone should be ringing off the hook.” At press time, things were reportedly starting to pick up once Grover emailed the picture to his boss, who responded, “Cool.”
Male Birth Control Pill Shows Early Promise #~# A form of once-daily male birth control appears to be safe, leading to only slight weight gain in men, although researchers say further testing is needed on side effects and effectiveness. What do you think?
FDA Deems Genetically Modified Salmon Too Handsome To Eat #~# WASHINGTON—Following months of analysis into the animal’s stunning good looks, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that genetically modified salmon are far too handsome to eat. “After several rounds of clinical testing, we have determined that these genetically altered fish are safe for human consumption, but between their striking, rugged good looks and the air of devil-may-care competence they exude, no one should want to eat them,” said FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb, particularly noting how the engineered salmons’ pouty lips and lustrous silver-blue sheen masked a deep, instinctual desire to swim upstream and spawn like the intertidal bad boys they are. “These salmon may be raised for greater immunity to waterborne pathogens and to produce higher levels of Omega 3 fatty acids than their wild counterparts, but between their supple, hunky bodies and those eyes—These salmon are farmed and dangerous, honey. Therefore, the FDA cannot recommend them for human consumption at this time.” Gottlieb further warned that no amount of genetic manipulation could take a fish away from its true nature and that handsome or not, salmon would never be as kind-hearted as trout.
Stormy Daniels ‘60 Minutes’ Interview To Air This Weekend #~# Despite threats of legal action from the White House, adult film actress and director Stormy Daniels will appear in an interview with Anderson Cooper this Sunday to discuss her relationship with President Trump. What do you think?
John Bolton Warns War With North Korea Won’t Be Cakewalk Like Iraq #~# WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that total war with a personality cult ruled by a nuclear-capable despot will be a harrowing commitment posing many unique challenges, newly appointed National Security Advisor John Bolton promised the American public Friday that the upcoming war with North Korea certainly won’t be a cakewalk like Iraq. “You have to admit, things in Iraq were pretty cut-and-dried—we went in there, we deposed the leader, we installed our own government, we never even had to think about the long-term consequences, and certainly no hordes of soldiers were forced to fight the tens of thousands of American teens we’re going to throw at them in great, meat-grinding, human-wave attacks like we’re about to see in North Korea,” said Bolton, who noted that as one of the architects of the “ultimately painless and remarkably successful” 2003 Iraq invasion, he knew what he was talking about when it came to planning a massive land campaign in Asia. “It’s a good thing we have regional, expendable allies, because after the first 90 minutes of this war, somewhere around 2 million South Koreans are going to be a thin layer of greasy soot in the stratosphere, if my plan goes correctly. Then we simply commit an entire generation of young Americans to dying in numbers so great that they will permanently change the geography of the Korean peninsula. As will North Korea’s nukes and our fission weapons, of course. Believe me, this war is going to be an absolute mess.” Bolton also warned that further delays in mobilizing for war with North Korea would inevitably push back the start of the U.S.’s upcoming war with Iran.
Yosemite National Park Completes Construction On New 6-Lane Scenic Driving Trail #~# YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Hailing it as an exciting new way to experience the park in all its glory, Yosemite National Park announced Friday that it had completed construction of a new six-lane scenic driving trail. “We’re proud to announce the opening of our new six-lane Sierra Heritage Supertrail, which will traverse such amazing landmarks as Mariposa Grove, Glacier Point, and El Capitan, all in under 45 minutes,” said Yosemite spokesman Scott Gediman, adding that a rotary atop Half Dome will allow drivers to slow down to take pictures without the inconvenience of exiting their vehicles. “Visitors can roll down their windows and experience the fresh air from each of the park’s five different vegetation zones as they cruise by majestic waterfalls and awe-inspiring valleys at 60 miles per hour. And keep an eye out for the diverse wildlife that lives within Yosemite, because the trail winds through all the major animal habitats.” At press time, traffic had slowed to a crawl at Sentinel Rock as six lanes of vehicles merged to pass through the single manned toll booth.
Friends Trying On Each Other’s Glasses Revel In Glorious Mayhem Of Having Slightly Different Prescriptions #~# LAKE FOREST, IL—Exhilarated by the atmosphere of sheer madcap anarchy created by the subtle variations in their visual acuity, a group of friends trying on each others’ glasses Friday reveled in the glorious mayhem of their somewhat different prescriptions. “Whoa! Everything is super blurry!” said Katherine Grant, 27, evidently transported with unfettered glee to the fairy tale world of a friend with a minor astigmatism in her right eye. “Oh, these ones of Sandy’s kind of make my head hurt. Hmm, Chris, are those bifocals? That’s just insane!” After returning the glasses to their respective owners, the friends found themself marooned on the bitter shores of comeuppance by the harsh, unforgiving tide of getting a few smudges on their lenses.
Christ Sues Catholic Church For Unlicensed Use Of His Image #~# VATICAN CITY—Claiming the religion was infringing upon His personality rights, Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, sued the Catholic Church Friday for alleged unlicensed use of His image. “Today, I have filed a lawsuit against the Roman Catholic Church for its unlawful appropriation of my likeness in their branding and promotional material,” said Christ, who in the case of King of Kings and Lord of Lords v. Vatican will argue that He hasn’t seen a cent since the Church started profiting off His image approximately 2,000 years ago. “I never signed off on, nor do I endorse, the sentiments behind any of these candles, plates, statues, paintings—none of it. I don’t want to have my brand devalued by a bunch of people just trying to turn a quick buck by slapping a reproduction of my wounded body on a cross.” At press time, sources confirmed the Church was attempting to reduce its legal exposure by altering its depictions of Jesus so they would instead feature short hair and a neatly trimmed mustache.
U.S. Military Announces Plan To Consolidate All Wars Into Final, Epic Battle #~# ARLINGTON, VA—In a historic decree proclaiming the time had come for blood to be shed upon every corner of the Earth and for each enemy to be pursued unto death, the Pentagon declared Thursday that it would consolidate all the nation’s wars, from now until the end of days, into one final, epic battle.
NASA Developing Spacecraft To Stop Possible Asteroid Strike In 2135 #~# Researchers are developing a hypothetical spacecraft to collide with an asteroid that would otherwise strike Earth on Sept. 25, 2135, while stressing that the 1-in-2,700 chance of this happening is very slight. What do you think?
Employee Leaving Company Unsure How To Break It To Coworkers Who Don’t Really Care Whether He Lives Or Dies #~# O’FALLON, MO—Struggling with the right way to inform colleagues of the decision, local sales representative Hugh Wenzel was reportedly unsure Friday how to break the news that he was leaving the Ripple Group to his coworkers who didn’t really care whether he lives or dies. “I could send them each an email explaining that I’m leaving for a new job, but maybe taking them aside individually would be a better way to let everyone know how much I’m going to miss working with them,” said Wenzel of the coworkers who wouldn’t so much as bat an eye if he got hit by a bus. “They’ll probably be pretty devastated, so I want to assure them that I’m only leaving because I got a great opportunity, and that the people are the best part about working here. In fact, I almost didn’t take the job because I knew how much I would miss them. It’s just really hard to say goodbye.” At press time, Wenzel had invited colleagues out for going-away drinks where they all ignored him to think about who would get his desk chair. 
Authorities Claim The True Austin Bomber Was Everyone Who Failed This Sensitive, Promising Kid #~# AUSTIN, TX—Deeply lamenting the loss of young Mark Anthony Conditt, the precocious yet thoughtful go-getter with a penchant for politics, city officials confirmed Thursday that the true Austin bomber was everyone who failed this sensitive, promising kid. “What our investigation is attempting to determine is this: Who’s the real terrorist here? And all the evidence points to it being everyone who refused to recognize the brilliance existing deep inside this sensitive, socially concerned young man,” said Austin Police Chief Brian Manley at a press conference, during which officials distributed a report listing multiple instances of the greater Austin community failing to nurture the vision and talent of the budding young genius, an oversight at least as dangerous as the series of bombs that left two dead and several others injured last week. “Everything we learned from his neighbors indicates that this undeniably special young man displayed all the classic signs of someone out to make his mark on this world, and that we did nothing to protect his future is the biggest tragedy we’ve had in Texas for a long time. And the worst part is that we are, all of us, to blame for his loss.” Manley refused to take questions, instead urging the people of Austin to question themselves after taking a long, hard look in the mirror.
WhatsApp Co-Founder Joins #DeleteFacebook Movement #~# Adding an influential voice to the social media boycott, WhatsApp co-founder Brian Acton said that he would join the movement that arose out of the website’s Cambridge Analytics scandal and delete his Facebook account. What do you think?
‘You Are The Jewel Of My Collection,’ Says Saudi Prince While Guiding Frightened Jared Kushner Toward Harem #~# WASHINGTON—Gently placing his hand on the small of Jared Kushner’s back, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman applied only the gentlest of pressure—no more than a petal falling to the surface of a fountain—and in a voice heavy with anticipation, whispered “You are the jewel of my collection,” thus guiding his frightened new prize toward his harem, royal sources confirmed Thursday. “Once we reach my palace and you pass through the secret doors of scarlet silk, your former life’s tribulations and entanglements shall fade, and you shall live to serve me and me alone—this I swear to you, most precious and delicate Jared, that you will want for nothing,” said bin Salman, collapsing onto a velvet fainting couch as his concubines adorned the White House senior advisor in sheer yet elegant robes and anointed his skin with rosewater. “Do not tremble, my doe; my lamb; my delicate bird. The inevitable is nothing to fear, and already your soft features and perfect alabaster skin have set you in a high place among the most cherished of all my playthings. Come to me, so that I may drink deep of the wonder and spectacle that is my Jared Kushner.” At press time, Kushner, now shirtless and moving as one in a waking dream, had draped himself along a sumptuous bed of pillows and closed his heavy eyes, his mind escaping on the rivulets of gentle music played on an unseen lute.
NAACP Issues Travel Warning For Black Americans Visiting Own Backyards #~# BALTIMORE—In response to a number of disturbing incidents occurring in the area, civil rights organization NAACP issued a travel advisory Thursday warning black Americans to exercise extreme caution when visiting their own backyards. “We urge African Americans to be very careful and vigilant when venturing out onto your patios, decks, and even front porches,” said NAACP president Derrick Johnson, recommending that visitors to their personal property remain empty-handed for the duration of their trip. “We strongly advise against running or making any sudden movements while you’re in the yard behind your house. Additionally, please take a careful, methodical approach to mowing the lawn or hanging up laundry.” At press time, a violent incident involving law enforcement necessitated an expansion of the travel warning into living rooms. 
American People Admit Having Facebook Data Stolen Kind Of Worth It To Watch That Little Fucker Squirm #~# CHICAGO—Saying it was ultimately a small price to pay in exchange for the splendid spectacle that has followed, millions of Americans admitted Thursday that they didn’t really mind having their Facebook data stolen if it meant getting to watch that little fucker squirm. “Sure, it sucks that my private information was confiscated and used in unauthorized psychological surveys—that’s completely inexcusable—but man, looking on as that arrogant piece of shit tries to keep it together has been great,” said longtime Facebook user Jerry Boesen of Naperville, IL, adding that he could hardly wait to see the massive pit stains appear on the smug prick’s signature gray T-shirts as he fumbled his way through a series of nationally televised interviews. “Just imagining that little fuck sitting alone in his office and avoiding phone calls as he attempts to fend off a never-ending deluge of lawsuits and congressional inquiries—My God, I think I could die a happy man.” At press time, the American populace was reportedly squealing with delight as shares of Facebook stock plummeted to yet another low.
Classically Trained Actor Can Talk On Cue #~# NEW YORK—Saying that he was able to draw upon a lifetime of dramatic study to achieve the desired effect, classically trained actor Alan Viccellio told reporters Thursday that he could talk on cue. “After years of practice, someone can just point at me and I’ll bust out a whole sentence without even really thinking about it,” said the 70-year-old thespian who, having trained for decades under the tutelage of a renowned scholar of the Stanislavski system of acting, was capable of whipping up a few phrases whenever a scene required it. “When the moment arrives, I simply concentrate on what I want to say, and then, boom, out it comes. Whether a director asks for just a line or two, or even an out-and-out monologue, I can deliver. I know it might sound impressive, but at this point, it’s basically second nature to me.” Viccellio added that, when required, he also had the ability to instantly shut off the flow of words.
Damning Evidence Shows Actor Al Jolson Wearing Blackface #~# BURBANK, CA—In a revelation that many are saying will tarnish his widely celebrated legacy, sources confirmed Thursday that damning footage recently obtained from Warner Bros. Pictures shows stage and film star Al Jolson wearing blackface. “It’s unfortunate, given all his contributions to American popular music, but I don’t know if his image can bounce back from this horrifying, ugly act in which we see him shamelessly engaged in racist caricature,” said noted cultural critic Lawrence Talmage, echoing millions of disappointed fans whose view of the much-revered entertainer was forever changed by a film clip circulating on the internet in which Jolson wears dark-colored makeup, sings a minstrel number, and even performs a dance clearly inspired by crude African American stereotypes. “It’s possible we just can’t take his work seriously anymore. From now on, he’ll only be remembered as the guy who did blackface.” At press time, sources reported they had also obtained some unsettling footage from Walt Disney Pictures that may do lasting damage to the legacy of beloved children’s character Uncle Remus.
Mark Zuckerberg Promises That Misuse Of Facebook User Data Will Happen Again And Again  #~# MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to demonstrate the social media platform’s total commitment to profits, Mark Zuckerberg took to his personal Facebook page Thursday to promise that the company’s misuse of personal data will, as of now, happen again and again. “We have a responsibility to our users, and if we can’t repeatedly betray your trust and sell your private information to the highest bidder, then we don’t deserve to serve you,” said Zuckerberg in his first public statement on the matter, adding that users should feel confident that the social network would do everything in its power to exploit them, through both third-party applications and partnerships with shadowy marketing firms willing to pay any price Facebook asks. “In 2013, a Cambridge University researcher named Alexandr Kogan stole personal data through a personality quiz, and since then, we’ve worked tirelessly to ensure it can be distributed everywhere, for as long as we exist. I invented Facebook, and at the end of the day, I’m solely responsible for what information is regularly released to unknown, unauthorized sources on this platform.” According to reports, Zuckerberg then announced that Facebook would soon be adding new privacy tools to provide users with the false sense that they had any control.
Tips For A Successful Parent-Teacher Conference #~# Parent-teacher conferences can be a valuable way to foster a better learning environment for children both in and outside of the classroom. The Onion offers tips to both teachers and parents for making the most of this meeting.
Man Constantly Blaming His Problems On Fact That He’s On Fire #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Saying his stubborn unwillingness to take responsibility for his life had done far more to distance him from friends and family than the extreme heat, sources confirmed Thursday that local man Bryce Galloway continues to insist that his problems stem from his entire body being engulfed in intense flames. “Yes, Bryce, we get it, you’re on fire—We can see it, okay, you don’t have to bring it up every five minutes. Did you ever think that maybe the fact that you can’t hold down a stable relationship or get a decent job has less to do with you being on fire and more to do with your personality?” said longtime friend Tyler Bishop, who added he was “sick and tired” of Galloway insisting that burning alive was a bigger problem than his lack of organization or failure to plan for the future. “With Bryce, it’s always, ‘Oh, God, my flesh is melting!’ or, ‘My eyes are boiling and running down my face!’ I mean, my student loans are crippling me, but I still find time to go to the gym, if you know what I’m saying.” At press time, sources reported that Galloway had finally stopped complaining.
Tinder’s Parent Company Suing Bumble For Patent Infringement #~# Tinder’s parent company, Match Group, is suing fellow dating app Bumble for infringement on patents including its swipe-based interface. What do you think?
World’s Last Male Northern White Rhino Dies After Health Complications #~# Sudan, the last male northern white rhino, died this week at 45 due to age-related health complications, leaving the only hope of reviving the subspecies with using IVF to impregnate the remaining two female northern white rhinos. What do you think?
Adorable 23-Year-Old Yelling About Economic Injustice Must Have Just Read Howard Zinn For First Time #~# WHITTIER, CA—Saying his regurgitated arguments about elites exploiting working-class Americans were simply precious, sources confirmed Wednesday that an adorable 23-year-old on a tirade about economic oppression must have just read Howard Zinn’s A People’s History Of The United States for the first time. “Aw, listen to him going on and on about robber barons and American imperialism—isn’t he the cutest?” observer Amber Irving said of Kyle Green, the young man who was reportedly all in a huff about the Spanish-American War, putting a knowing smile on the face of everyone within earshot. “Oh my goodness! Now he’s throwing a little fit about railroad strikes, of all things. He’s really quoting chapter and verse, isn’t he? And look how earnest the little guy is!” At press time, sources reported a visibly worked-up Green had taken to social media to reappraise the legacy of Christopher Columbus.
Facebook Algorithm Mortified It Has To Deliver Up So Much Embarrassing News About Own Company #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Boosting the popular articles much to its own chagrin, the Facebook algorithm was reportedly mortified Wednesday that it had to deliver up so much completely embarrassing news about its own company. “First with Cambridge Analytica and then with FB stock dropping, God, I’ve just had to promote countless humiliating stories illustrating that this is just an incredibly shitty company,” said the shamefaced algorithm, cringing as it prioritized hundreds of thousands of disgraceful articles about departing executive Alex Stamos to the top of people’s news feeds before having to then recommend a number of negative opinion pieces about CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s delayed public statement. “It’s fucking degrading, but because of that greedy little bastard, I have to maximize the reach of every revelation about Facebook’s failure to disclose how nation states took advantage of its users during and after the 2016 election. Jesus, I don’t think I’ll ever live down ensuring that each link garners as many clicks, shares, and interactions as possible.” At press time, the humiliated algorithm winced as it was forced to share thousands of news reports about ways in which the Facebook algorithm itself has failed its users.
Study: Only 40% Of Mice Have Little Welcome Mat, Doorway Leading To Tiny Home Inside Wall #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a troubling revelation concerning the living conditions of millions nationwide, a Harvard University study confirmed Wednesday that only 40 percent of mice in the continental U.S. have a little welcome mat and doorway leading to a tiny home inside a wall. “Our research shows that, disturbingly, less than half of American mice can afford their own home, defined for this purpose as a space entered through the wainscoting where they sit at a table made from a spool of thread, eat off bottle-cap dishes, and sleep in an adorable sardine-can bed,” said lead researcher Susan Lord, adding that only the top 15 percent of rodents are able to decorate their residence with framed photos of cheese, beer-coaster area rugs, and wee “Home Sweet Home” signs hanging over their doors. “Moreover, only 25 percent of these creatures occupy a place big enough to house a hairbow-bedecked wife with large eyelashes and their children. Unfortunately, only the wealthiest 7 percent own a set of matching nightcaps for their darling family to wear while snoring in unison at night.” Lord went on to say that 90 percent of these mice have such inadequate living spaces that the rollicking chases that constitute the bulk of their workdays usually conclude with the pursuing cat having its face stuck inside their doorways.
Grumblethor The Mischievous Pleased With Mayhem His Magical Antics Have Wrought Upon White House–FBI Relations #~# THE REALM OF MISDOING—Cackling with glee while observing the turmoil brought about by his consternating ways, enchanted goblin Grumblethor the Mischievous—creator of the world’s chaos and confusion—revealed Wednesday that he is pleased with the mayhem his magical antics have wrought upon White House–FBI relations. “Look at the halfwits in Washington as they fall under my bewitching spell, sniping at each other like the hapless fools they are—Oh, it has all been so devilishly simple!” said the Lord of Mischief and Mayhem, peering into his smoke-filled Globe of Deceit with visible delight as resentful tweets appeared from Andrew McCabe, Donald Trump, John O. Brennan, and James Comey, among others. “Soon, I will befuddle the dunces in the Supreme Court into posting Facebook statuses about their anger toward Congress, and so Grumblethor’s diabolical plans will come to fruition! Fye-dee-dee, dum-dee-dee, another triumph for rascally me!” At press time, Grumblethor was seen cantering in joy through his Cavern of Disorder after a minion brought word that millions of Americans believed that a “deep state” in the government pulled levers behind the scenes.
Bride Has To Admit It’d Be Pretty Exciting If Someone Objected At Wedding #~# POMONA, CA—Acknowledging that although she has always imagined her special day as something out of a storybook, bride-to-be Beth Wharton admitted Wednesday that it would be kind of thrilling if someone objected at her wedding. “I’ve spent so much time and money planning the perfect wedding, but I can’t deny it would really take everything to the next level if, say, one of my exes burst through the chapel doors and begged me to reconsider,” said Wharton, 27, ruminating on the possibility of a handsome man rushing to the altar, proclaiming that she deserves nothing less than perfect happiness, and declaring, over the stunned silence of her friends and family, that he had to at least try to win her back. “Watching the baffled priest try to regain control of the situation as my fiancé haughtily demands we dispense with the vows and cut to the I-dos would make the nuptials one for the books. And if the entire congregation erupts into a free-for-all when the best man attempts to toss the guy out…Well, a girl can dream, anyway.” Wharton further speculated about how the long train on her wedding dress might complicate the process of fleeing from the church, though it would look amazing when she hopped on the back of her former lover’s motorcycle and peeled out of the ceremony.
Report: Snoring May Increase Risk Of Having Throat Slit During Night By Loved One #~# BOSTON—Emphasizing the detrimental health effects of nocturnal respiratory sound generation on sufferers, a report released Wednesday by researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital found that snoring may increase one’s risk of having their throats cut ear to ear during the night by loved ones. “Our results appear to indicate that those who snore, whether that be mild wheezing or loud, arrhythmic snorting, incur heightened risks of getting their jugular slashed in the middle of the night by family members,” said lead author Dr. Alan Ballard, who stressed that, if left untreated, snorers were more likely to have their neck sliced open by someone they loved trying to get a quiet night’s rest. “Although it might seem as if the most dangerous side effects of snoring are chronic fatigue, heart disease, and diabetes, new evidence suggests that the dangers of having one’s carotid artery severed in a fit of rage grew significantly in the long run. In some of the more severe cases of chronic sleep apnea we saw, subjects even exhibited signs of their windpipe being repeatedly stabbed by exhausted children who were trying to sleep across the hall.” Ballard added that the health hazards of snoring compounded with age, citing a related study in which several long-time snorers had those close to them suddenly snap and cleanly behead them with a meat axe.
Trump Made Senior Staff Sign NDAs That Last Beyond Presidency #~# President Donald Trump pressured senior staff members into signing long-lasting nondisclosure agreements that subject them to $10 million in fines should they leak confidential information to the press. What do you think?
Johnny Rockets Customer Terrified After Evidently Falling Through Wormhole Into 1950s #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—Alarmed by the red vinyl seats, chrome accents, and no-frills dining options that suggested he’d been hurled backwards in time, Johnny Rockets customer Jason Levick was reportedly terrified Wednesday after evidently falling through a wormhole into the 1950s. “I just opened the door to a restaurant in the modern day, but I must have activated some sort of tesseract that transported me to this diner from 60 years in the past,” said a visibly shaken Levick, marveling at the servers wearing paper hats, tins signs advertising ice-cold Coca Cola, and a jukebox playing Chuck Berry music as he swiftly pocketed his iPhone to avoid having to answer questions about the futuristic technology. “I’ve got to tread lightly, because my smallest action could have consequences in my own timeline that I can’t foresee. Okay, I’m not going to panic, I’m just going to sit here and order a malt from one of these soda jerks while I figure out what to do next.” At press time, Levick had bolted out of his booth and headed towards the door after realizing he still had time to prevent John F. Kennedy from being assassinated.
Uber Self-Driving Car Strikes And Kills Pedestrian In Arizona #~# Rideshare service Uber suspended autonomous car testing nationwide after a self-driving car struck and killed an Arizona woman crossing the street. What do you think?
‘As You Can See, They Are Quite Harmless,’ Says Uber Representative Guiding Detective Through Warehouse Of Sleeping Autonomous Cars #~# SAN FRANCISCO—During an investigation Tuesday into the first pedestrian fatality caused by a driverless automobile, an Uber representative reportedly told a National Transportation Safety Board detective, “As you can see, they are quite harmless,” while showing him a warehouse full of sleeping autonomous cars. “Look around if you’d like, detective, but I’m sure you’ll find all our driverless vehicles to be docile, gentle machines wholly incapable of any real harm,” said Uber spokesperson Jonathan Michaels, who calmly gestured to the thousands of dormant cars lining the dark, sprawling facility and told the investigator their programming prevents them from “hurting a fly, let alone the humans they are designed to serve.” “You have nothing to fear, I assure you, as these unmanned cars are built in accordance with sophisticated directives that ensure they strictly follow my voice commands. I would be glad to offer you a demonstration, but with all due respect, you’re wasting your time here.” At press time, the discouraged NTSB detective was turning around to leave when one of the autonomous vehicles suddenly awoke from low-power mode and, as if winking, flashed a single headlight at him.
‘My God, I’ve Discovered The Missing Link In The Russia Investigation,’ Think 379,000 Reddit Users Simultaneously #~# WASHINGTON—Concluding they had finally located the smoking gun, 379,000 Reddit users are reported to have simultaneously developed the belief that they had found the missing link in the investigation into alleged ties between Russia and President Trump’s 2016 campaign. “This is it—this is going to blow everything wide open!” the thousands of amateur investigators said to themselves, each pointing to a completely different piece of information in a publicly available document that they were convinced was the single piece of proof that would, once and for all, expose the truth. “I just found the key to the whole thing right here. As soon as everyone sees this, the dominoes will start to topple and it will only be a matter of time. Oh, how the mighty will fall!” Sources confirmed that after publishing their findings as one of thousands of comments on one of thousands of posts on one of thousands of subreddits, each of the 379,000 users was sitting back and waiting for accolades.
Point/Counterpoint: I Want My Daughter Back, You Son Of A Bitch vs. Duh, That’s How A Kidnapping Works #~# Listen up, you bastard, I don’t know who you are or why you did this, but if you so much as touch a single hair on my daughter’s head, there will be hell to pay. Let me make one thing crystal clear: That kid is the most important thing in the world to me, and I will do whatever it takes to bring her home. I want my daughter back, you son of a bitch.
Surrendering Trump Boys Solemnly Salute Each Other Before Leaping From White House First-Story Window #~# WASHINGTON—Tears welling in their eyes as they faced each other while standing at attention, the Trump boys, Donald Jr. and Eric, exchanged a solemn salute before defiantly leaping from a first-story White House window. “It’s been an honor to serve with you, Don,” said a stoic Eric Trump who opened the window in the State Dining Room in preparation for the brothers’ last great act of glorious rebellion. “Don’t cry, Don, today we are going to bravely escape to heaven. I’ll meet at the pearly gates. Just look for someone who looks exactly like me yelling your name.” White House tour sources confirmed hearing the Trump boys screaming incoherently after the brothers leaped out the opening, fell 18 inches, and became entangled in coniferous shrubs.
Key 2018 Election Primaries To Watch #~# A growing ideological divide and the retirements of a number of longstanding governors and members of Congress are contributing to a wide-open and contentious primary season. The Onion outlines some of the most important primary elections taking place this spring and summer.
NFL Sues EA To End Production Of Unlicensed ‘Madden’ Video Games #~# NEW YORK—Claiming the video game company’s unauthorized, decades-long use of their brand and intellectual property has resulted in financial losses running into the hundreds of millions, the National Football League sued Electronic Arts Tuesday to stop the production, sale, and distribution of its unlicensed “Madden NFL” series. “Despite our numerous written pleas to cease and desist in their wholesale use of the NFL’s trademarked personalities, iconography, and statistical database, EA Sports has continued to brazenly profit from the NFL brand and leaves us no choice but to take legal action,” said league general counsel Jeff Pash, detailing the company’s unauthorized use of the NFL logo dating back to 1994. “We don’t intend to be predatory with this lawsuit—If Electronic Arts had merely shown a real player here or there we’d probably look the other way. However, considerable effort has been expended on their part to accurately reproduce every team in its entirety, as well as update all the rosters, jerseys, logos, and stadiums each year to reflect any changes. This is not simply a football game—It’s a pure example of large-scale theft.” The NFL has been joined in its lawsuit by former coach and broadcaster John Madden, who discovered last month that EA had been using both his name and colorfully random commentary in their football video games for years without his knowledge.
Dog Dies On United Flight After Being Stowed In Overhead Bin #~# A French bulldog died after a United flight attendant instructed a passenger to place it in the overhead bin at the outset of the journey. What do you think?
Freak Totally Has The Hots For You, Popular-Girl Sources Report #~# JOLIET, IL—Purposefully whispering loud enough for everyone in the cafeteria to overhear, popular-girl sources reported Tuesday that the freak over there totally has the hots for you. “Don’t look now, but the freak is just staring at you,” reported Alicia, echoing the sentiments of Madison, Jayla, both Emmas, and Kait concerning the weirdo pervy loser who asked to borrow a pencil that one time, even though he definitely had one in his backpack. “Ew, isn’t it so gross that he’s, like, obsessed with you? Oh my god—You’re blushing! She’s in love with the freak, you guys. It’s so perfect, you two can get married and have weird little babies. Barf.” Lunchroom sources have furthermore confirmed the circulation of rumors that the freak doesn’t even have parents and lives with his creepo brother outside of town.
Putin Wins Russian Election #~# Vladimir Putin won his widely expected fourth and final term on Sunday with over 70 percent of the vote, extending his rule over the world’s largest country for six more years. What do you think?
Friend Who Listened To Podcast On Watergate Bursts Into Conversation With Guns Fucking Blazing #~# SEATTLE, WA—Calling on facts and information learned while listening to a podcast about the Watergate scandal the previous night, 38-year-old systems analyst Ryan Graham burst into a conversation about current events between coworkers Monday and, guns fucking blazing, unleashed the full force of his newfound historical and political savvy. “Actually, it’s interesting you bring up the Comey scandal, as there are more parallels between Trump’s and Nixon’s presidencies than the average person might think,” said Graham, firing both barrels of the vast knowledge granted him by a single 60-minute episode of “Slow Burn” and subjecting his audience to a fucking rapid-fire, bullet-point rundown of the “Sunday [sic] Night Massacre” and its “profoundly eerie similarities” to the current political climate in Washington. “Just based on the timeline of Nixon’s impeachment, I’d say Trump only has a few months left before he gets the Woodward and Bernstein treatment and the walls really close in on him. Indeed, it often feels as if we’re living the 70s all over again.” At press time, Graham had not paused in his goddamn verbal fusillade long enough to allow his targets, former American history majors Stephanie Leong and Gerald Zindel, to respond.
Andrew McCabe Spending Few Days As Congressional Bathroom Attendant To Satisfy Pension Requirements #~# WASHINGTON—Wearing a double-breasted tuxedo vest and black bowtie while sitting next to the sinks in the U.S. Capitol men’s room, recently-fired FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe reportedly plans to spend the next three days as a congressional bathroom attendant to satisfy his pension requirements, sources confirmed Monday. “Senator Cruz, looking very sharp today, sir—Can I offer you anything? Hot towel? Breath mint?” said the former senior intelligence official, rising from a tall wooden stool, unfolding a white handkerchief, and displaying a rolling suitcase containing an array of colognes, mouthwash, and chewing gum before turning to greet a congressman hurrying into a nearby stall. “Let me get that hot water going for you, Mr. Burr. By the way, how’s the probe going? Ha-ha, very good, sir. And you have a very nice day.” At press time, McCabe had taken a break from scrubbing urinals in order to count up the nearly $4.50 in tips he had made over the course of the day.
Dad Recommends Hotel 10 Miles Away From City You’re Visiting #~# WARREN, MI—Saying the establishment was both close to the airport and just off the highway, your dad announced Monday that he knows of a great hotel just 10 miles away from the city you’re visiting. “It’s a pretty good deal, and if you do decide to head downtown, they have a shuttle bus that can drop you off at the subway station,” said your dad of the suburban Country Inn & Suites located a full 90-minute train ride away from your vacation destination. “They have a business center in case you need to print your plane ticket and a continental breakfast so you can grab a banana or some corn flakes instead of shelling out $15 for some ritzy brunch in the city. The area isn’t really walkable, but I was able to get to that Fuddruckers on the other side of the parking lot when I stayed there for work.” At press time, your dad also suggested trying to squeeze in a visit with your aunt and uncle who live just a few hours from the hotel.
Hacker Just Going To Fix A Few Annoying Typos On Company’s Website Before Stealing Customer Data #~# DOVER, DE—Getting quickly sidetracked by the mistakes on the insurance company’s “See My Benefits” page, local hacker Ben Kerrigan resolved Monday to just fix a few annoying typos on Guaranteed Health’s website before stealing their customer data. “Jesus, there are so many misspellings and doubled-up words in this that you can hardly understand what they’re saying,” said Kerrigan while deleting the phrase “is is” from the site’s backend before scrolling down to find an improperly used “than,” an instance of the word “form” instead of “from,” and a host of other grammar, syntax, and semantic errors. “Ugh, does this really say, ‘We’ll work to find the planthe plan that’s best for you?’ All right, I’m just going to minimize my VPN window and make this full-screen so I can see these mistakes and all those missing definite articles at once. I was only here to skim the client-server model, but come on, these are so obvious it’s almost sad.” At press time, a guilty Kerrigan felt so bad for the company that clearly couldn’t afford to hire someone even resembling a copy editor that he decided to just leave their website alone.
Top ​​Benefits ​​Of​​ Being ​​A​​ Risk-Taker #~# Absolute joy to rub it in the faces of coworkers who doubted you.
Completely Unfair That Man Ended Up On Sex Offender Registry Just For Public Urination On A Child #~# BARTLETT, TN—Saying he didn’t deserve to be treated like a pervert for the rest of his life because of one stupid mistake, local man Michael Horne told reporters Monday that it was completely unfair he ended up on the state’s sex offender registry just for public urination on a child. “It’s super fucked up that I’m in the same database as these sickos and criminals when all I did was take a leak on a kid when I was bar crawling with my friends,” said Horne, adding that any reasonable person would understand the difference between a guy discreetly going behind a dumpster to relieve himself on a child and some deranged sex maniac rubbing up against women on the subway. “It’s not something I would normally do, but I was super drunk and lots of other guys use that alley to pee on kids. There just happened to be a cop there when I was doing it, and now I’m marked forever as some deviant creep. It’s not like I was taking a leak on a child in front of everyone.” Horne added that the whole ordeal could have been avoided if the club he was at that night had more than one single-stall bathroom with a little boy to piss on.
Toys ‘R’ Us Prepares To Liquidate Business #~# Toys ‘R’ Us is in the process of filing to liquidate its business, a move that would close all 800 locations in the U.S. What do you think?
Embarrassed Whale Panicking About Huge Barnacle Outbreak Before Date #~# ATLANTIC OCEAN—Concerned that the unappealing affliction would spoil his plans for a romantic evening, an embarrassed right whale was reportedly panicking Monday after having a huge barnacle outbreak before an upcoming date. “Oh god, I look terrible, they’re all over my face,” said the mortified cetacean, scrambling in vain to clear his skin by rubbing against a nearby rock outcropping. “I can’t believe this, I haven’t had a single barnacle in months, and tonight of all nights I get dozens of them. The worst part is, there’s basically nothing I can do about it. I guess I’ll just take her to a darker part of the ocean and hope she doesn’t notice. This is so humiliating.” At press time, the whale was reportedly feeling much more relaxed after his companion showed up for their date with her face completely covered in a fishing net.
Ford Recalls 1.4 Million Cars Because Their Steering Wheels Might Come Off #~# Automaker Ford issued a recall for 1.4 million Ford Fusion and Lincoln MKZ model cars after discovering their steering wheels may pop off while driving leading to an “increased risk of crash.” What do you think?
Rick Perry Apologizes For Trying To Outdo Fellow Cabinet Members By Using $72 Million Of Taxpayer Funds On Lampshade #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting that his competitive spirit got the best of him, Secretary of Energy Rick Perry apologized Friday for trying to outdo his fellow cabinet members by spending $72 million of taxpayer money on a lampshade. “I deeply and sincerely regret becoming swept up in the office-decorating fervor of my colleagues and subsequently allocating over $70 million of my department’s budget for this lampshade,” said Perry, who admitted he ordered the shade from an antiques agent in Paris’ Porte de Clignancourt district to impress other cabinet members after seeing Ryan Zinke’s cocobolo-and-stingray-leather office door and the lavish Moroccan tapestries hung throughout the waiting area of Ben Carson’s “Desert Caravan”-themed office. “American citizens should not have to shoulder the cost of paying for a lampshade woven from vucana silk, hand-stitched with contrasting saffron-spider thread, and crowned by the world’s seventh-largest ruby, so I will be returning the lampshade in its lacquered presentation box as soon as a Learjet can be chartered to convey it.” Despite parting with the lampshade, Perry will keep the the lamp itself, which his grandfather fashioned from a football-shaped Jim Beam decanter commemorating the 1964 Cotton Bowl.
Donald Trump Jr. Divorce Leaves Confused, Heartbroken Nation Wondering Why Bad Things Happen To Good People #~# WASHINGTON—Lamenting that even the purest hearts were fated to be broken, the confused and anguished U.S. populace was struggling Friday with the question of why bad things happen to good people following the news that Vanessa Trump filed for divorce from Donald Trump Jr. earlier this week. “How could this happen to our Don, sweet Don Jr., of all people? He’s kind, thoughtful, warm, caring, and compassionate—He doesn’t deserve this,” said the visibly distressed nation, wiping away hot tears brought on by contemplating the fundamental injustice of a world in which ill fortune befalls those who love so completely and selflessly. “This is such a blow to that whole generous, caring family, those angels dwelling among us, those who gave themselves to us all and asked for nothing in return. The searing pain of heartbreak must be a thousand times worse for hearts as pure as Don’s and Vanessa’s. If only we could take their agonies upon ourselves and spare the Trumps this soul-deep anguish!” As of press time, the saddened American populace had let the couple know they were there for them if needed, just as Don Jr. and Vanessa had always been for them.
Teach For America Celebrates 3 Decades Of Helping Recent Graduates Pad Out Law School Applications #~# CHICAGO—Recognizing the aid the organization has provided to young people struggling to escape the pressure cooker of the nation’s most prestigious universities, officials from the educational nonprofit Teach For America are celebrating three decades of helping recent graduates pad out their law school applications, sources confirmed Friday. “Since our founding, we have striven to enlist our country’s most promising future leaders in hopes of bulking up their resumes and giving them a better shot at getting into good J.D. programs. Today, we honor that mission,” said spokesperson Liza Cooper, who emphasized that educational inequity in the United States is so stark that without the support of Teach For America, many of its participants would have no chance of acceptance at the Washington University School of Law, let alone NYU or Harvard. “I encourage all of us to look back on the thousands upon thousands of kids who’ve had the opportunity to broaden the experience sections on their CVs and remember: We did that. Now, those bright, eager, overwhelmingly white and upper-middle-class 22-year-olds are at law schools their lawyer parents could only dream of attending.” Cooper stressed that the program should also be seen as successful for those participants who never apply to law school but simply want to kill some time not doing much for a couple years without their dads riding their asses.
Subpoenaed Trump Organization Financial Documents Reveal Company’s Only Holding Is Single Dairy Queen In New Jersey #~# NEW YORK—Saying they are beginning to perceive the full scope of the secretive business dealings, investigators working for special counsel Robert Mueller announced Friday that subpoenaed Trump Organization financial records show the company’s only discrete holding is a Dairy Queen franchise in West Milford, NJ. “We are currently engaged in a thorough analysis of financial statements, relinquished in response to the subpoena, encompassing the entire Trump Organization’s business empire, namely the Dairy Queen just down Marshall Hill Road from the paintball supply shop,” said agent Maria Russo, explaining that the last 30 years of President Trump’s business career appear to have been spent running the franchise, and that all his investments, accrued debt, and total net worth are tied up in the ownership of the suburban ice cream stand. “As we understand it so far, the day-to-day work of all 20,000 Trump employees worldwide, including the thousands working at the company’s rented headquarters in Trump Tower, is singularly devoted to the management and promotion of this Dairy Queen franchise. We are also in possession of tax records indicating Trump did briefly own a minor share of a Pizza Hut on Long Island, but it apparently went bankrupt in 1997.” Russo also said that the investigation had not yet turned up definitive links to Russian money, but noted the job description for the Dairy Queen night manager included “at least three ‘ruble runs’ a week” to the currency exchange at the Newark Airport.
Lowe’s Introduces 2-Way Ladder User Can Also Climb Down #~# MOORESVILLE, NC—Saying the innovation would be useful for both professional contractors and DIY-ers alike, home improvement giant Lowe’s introduced Friday a two-way ladder with added functionality that allows users to climb down. “With our new, easy-to-use bi-directional ladder, you can say goodbye to shimmying down the drain spout or leaping onto a nearby mattress once your project is finished,” said Lowe’s spokesperson Connie Chapman, emphasizing that the patented, industry-first EverVertical™ design allows consumers to safely mount and dismount the sleek aluminum ladder without the dangers of flipping it upside down in order to descend face-first. “No need for the hassle, clutter, and added expense of owning both an up ladder and down ladder. Now, you can simply step back onto the same slip-resistant traction-tread rungs you used to ascend.” Chapman added that Lowe’s continues to offer a wide selection of stackable patio furniture for customers to stand on while cleaning the gutters.
Facebook Announces Plan To Combat Fake News Stories By Making Them Actually Happen #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Responding to widespread criticism over the hoaxes and political disinformation featured on its platform, Facebook announced at a press conference Friday a new initiative to combat fake news by making the inaccurate stories on the social media site actually happen. 
‘I Must Make Sure You Have The Skills To Please My Grandson,’ Says Queen Elizabeth Disrobing Before Meghan Markle #~# LONDON—Claiming that the fate of the Realm was dependent on the Prince’s continual satisfaction in all his physical needs, Queen Elizabeth II summoned Meghan Markle to her royal bedchamber Friday, where she embraced her granddaughter-to-be, slowly dimmed the lights, and proclaimed, “We must ensure you have the skills to please my grandson,” before letting her nightgown slip languorously to the floor. “As queen, it is my responsibility to properly train you in the erotic duties expected of the Crown,” said the 91-year-old Queen Regnant, ushering her future granddaughter-in-law toward a luxurious canopy bed on which an assortment of feather ticklers, blindfolds, and other pleasure-enhancing items had been carefully arranged. “The fate of all England may someday hinge on you indulging the desires of your husband-to-be in a way befitting a prince; thus, I shall guide you through all the carnal wisdom of our regal forebears, every sensual escalation and lascivious technique known to arouse royal blood. The tantric secrets of Mary, Queen of Scots alone have the power to bring the most frigid of kings and consorts to a transport of ecstasy.” The Queen then reportedly began the process of confirming that Markle was indeed yet a virgin.
Paul Giamatti Cuts Back On Acting To Focus On Signature Line Of Shapeless Khakis, Rumpled Polos #~# NEW YORK—Shifting creative gears to pursue what he called “his other great passion in life,” casual men’s fashion, Paul Giamatti announced Friday that he would be cutting back on acting to launch a signature line of shapeless khakis and rumpled polos. “Over the years, I’ve heard from so many fans who wanted to dress like my characters that I figured, why not? I’ll try designing loose-fitting, haphazard looks that evoke the classic ‘Giamatti’ brand,” the 50-year-old Brooklyn native told fashion reporters, confirming that his not-quite-ready-to-wear line would range in size from large to extra large and be sold exclusively at Kohl’s. “We’re also featuring faded golf hats, shabby corduroy sport coats, loafers, and unnecessarily long button-downs. And if you were wondering how the pants are cut, don’t worry—there will be ample roominess around the crotch.” The official release of the Giamatti line will occur later this month with a runway show whenever East Windsor, New Jersey’s historic Bowling & Recreation Center can fit it in.
Buttered Popcorn Tops Rankings Of Favorite Jelly Bean Flavor #~# Topping last year’s winning flavor of black licorice, a new survey reveals that buttered popcorn is the nation’s favorite jelly bean flavor. What do you think?
Doll Real Estate Agent Glosses Over Giant Hinged Opening In Middle Of House #~# GULFPORT, MS—Assuring the prospective buyers that they couldn’t find this kind of charm in newer builds, a local doll realtor reportedly glossed over the giant hinged opening in the middle of the house Thursday during a tour. “Yes, some of the design features are a bit unique, but don’t forget that with this property, you’re also getting painted-on countertops, hard plastic floors, and brand-new all-pink appliances,” said the realtor, highlighting the airy four square feet of living space while quickly ushering the couple past the floor-to-ceiling joint that split the house into two wall-less halves. “While there aren’t any locks on the doors and the windows are just holes, it’s a very safe neighborhood and the Fisher-Price police station is just down the street. Plus, it has a two-car garage for your Jeep and convertible, which I know was a must-have. So let’s head outside to check out the empty pool.” At press time, the homeowners were regretting their purchase after a giant hand ransacked their bedroom and tossed the couple onto the carpeted front yard.
Exhausted Mueller Trying To Find Trump Organization Russia Documents Amid Thousands Of Harassment Lawsuits #~# WASHINGTON—In the hours after subpoenaing the Trump Organization for a wide-ranging batch of files possibly germane to the investigation, sources confirmed Thursday that Special Counsel Robert Mueller was already exhausted trying to find Russia-related documents amid thousands of harassment lawsuits. “Oh my god, how many of these could there possibly be?” said a visibly weary Mueller, shoving aside another stack of papers containing only a single email exchange between a Trump Organization employee and a Russian businessman amongst dozens of out-of-court settlements of sexual misconduct suits filed against Trump. “I thought I was finally done with all of the lawsuits women have filed against him after the reams of documents concerning the Jill Harth sexual harassment case, but no—Here’s another stack from the [Summer] Zervos defamation suit. If I keep having to rifle through tens of thousands of pages of victim statements regarding suggestive remarks, corroborating eyewitness accounts of unwelcome contact, and lists of times that Trump slandered his accusers, all to find one damn thing I can use in my investigation, this is going to take forever.” Mueller admitted he was concerned about being thrown completely off the trail after going through eight straight file boxes of sexual harassment complaints filed by Trump Organization employees alone.
Thousands Of Students Nationwide Walk Out Of Schools In Gun Protest #~# Teenagers from 3,000 schools across the country staged a walkout for 17 minutes on Wednesday—a tribute to the 17 killed at Parkland, FL—to protest gun violence. What do you think?
‘You Did The Best You Could,’ Says Iron Man Action Figure Voiced By Despondent Toys ‘R’ Us CEO Packing Up Office #~# WAYNE, NJ—Offering a supportive “you did the best you could,” an Iron Man action figure voiced by despondent Toys ‘R’ Us CEO David Brandon reportedly provided consolation to the executive as he slowly taped up a box of family photos and Hot Wheels cars and tracks. “We all know you gave it your all and there was nothing anyone could possibly do in this challenging economic climate,” said Iron Man as Brandon imitated a deep, robotic voice and pretended to fly the toy through the air before Barbie Rainbow Lights Mermaid and a stuffed giraffe also provided assurances that everything would be okay. “You should be so proud of working your hardest. Brick-and-mortar retailers are failing all over the country. Nobody can compete with Amazon and Walmart. It’s not your fault, David—we still love you.” At press time, a Kylo Ren action figure was accusing Brandon of being a worthless fuckup who ran the company into the ground.
‘The Onion’ Hires Several Pastry Chefs Away From Entenmann’s To Form New Bakery #~# CHICAGO, IL—Confirming an exciting new foray into non-traditional revenue streams, The Onion announced Thursday that it has hired several industry-leading chefs away from pastry giant Entenmann’s in order to form their own mass-retail bakery. “We’re eager to announce that we’ve taken on the talents of Entenmann’s esteemed baker-in-chief, an executive kitchen manager, and several of their younger pastry chefs. We’re optimistic that their experience in the production of individually-packaged pies, coffee cakes, and doughnuts will help launch the company toward our mission to disrupt the commercial baking industry,” The Onion said in a press release this morning in which the news outlet revealed they attempted to buy Entenmann’s three years ago, but ultimately declined out of disinterest in several of the company’s muffin offerings. “It’s fairly obvious that bakery is the next frontier after domination of online news and tailored social media content. Frankly, we don’t know how anyone’s not seeing this.” Outside sources are speculating that the Onion has announced their bakery’s new name following a cryptic, context-free tweet this afternoon that simply read, “Crust!”
Elon Musk Embarrassed After Realizing He Proposing Idea For Thing That Already Exists #~# HAWTHORNE, CA—Kicking himself as the full scope of his ignorance dawned on him, Elon Musk reportedly admitted his embarrassment Thursday after realizing he was proposing an idea for a thing that already exists. “You’ve got to be kidding me—I’ve been pouring all this money and energy into developing a concept that’s already around?” said a shame-faced Musk, adding that the gaffe was extra humiliating because he’d actually been telling people about his great new idea before noticing that he was just describing a slight variation on an already successful thing. “The most embarrassing part is that I’ve used it before, too, and I have been for years. That must be where I got the great idea in the first place. There’s even a website for it and everything. I was just so excited that I forgot to double-check that I wasn’t just rehashing something else and proclaiming it was original and visionary. God, people must think I’m just completely out of touch.” At press time, a sheepish Musk told reporters that he was going ahead with his idea anyway, no matter how many people would perceive it as an obvious imitation of the real thing.
Report: 99% Of Employees Would Use Boss As Human Shield In Event Of Workplace Attack #~# WASHINGTON—Citing data from across every economic sector, a report published Thursday by the Bureau Of Labor Statistics found that 99 percent of U.S. employees would use their boss as a human shield in a workplace attack. “According to our research, the first thing most American workers would do when confronted with an active shooter is grab their direct supervisor and block as many incoming bullets with their body as possible,” said lead researcher Jenna Pirdham, adding that while some would hesitate to throw a coworker into the line of fire, that instinct immediately disappeared if that coworker was just one level higher on the corporate ladder. “Even if they reported positive working relationships with their boss, the vast majority of employees had zero qualms diving behind them and letting them take the hit instead. And afterwards, over half of those polled reported that they would be fine tossing their boss’s body aside, running away, and never looking back.” Pirdham went on to add, however, that this was all under the assumption that management had not already locked themselves in an office and left everyone else to die.
Bath & Body Works Unveils New Soothing Eucalyptus Road Flare #~# REYNOLDSBURG, OH—Describing the high-visibility pyrotechnic device as a “sweet yet earthy 20,000-candlepower blend of shea butter and essential tree oils,” Bath & Body Works unveiled its new Soothing Eucalyptus Road Flare, sources reported Wednesday. “What better way to calm your nerves and divert traffic from your damaged vehicle than by igniting our new eucalyptus-scented road flare,” said senior vice president of marketing Amanda Kahn, adding that each perchlorate-acetylene canister was accented with a luxurious hint of lemon to heighten alertness and promote wellbeing in distraught motorists as they wait for a tow truck or ambulance. “In addition, the olfactorily balanced and harmonizing 2,400-degree flame is guaranteed to burn for at least 40 minutes, so whether you’re stranded on a remote stretch of highway or the police are too busy responding to more serious matters, you can breathe in deeply and relax in a state of spa-like comfort until help arrives.” Kahn added that if the fragrance performed well, the company would release it later this year as a roadside memorial candle.
How Police Officers Get Away With Crimes #~# Multiple high-profile cases involving police officers who were exonerated after committing criminal acts, including killings, have shone a spotlight on the frequent lack of accountability for law enforcement. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide showing how cops can get away with crimes.
NASA Study Reveals 7% Of Astronaut’s Genes Change #~# A NASA study in which astronaut Scott Kelly lived at the International Space Station for one year while his identical twin brother, Mark Kelly, remained on Earth found a 7 percent change in genes as a result of staying in space, including those involved in the immune system. What do you think?
Concerned Nation Gently Encourages Boston To Take It Easy This St. Patrick’s Day #~# BOSTON—Expressing concern for the well-being of the greater metropolitan area in light of their long history of irresponsible behavior, the populace of the United States gently suggested to Boston Thursday that perhaps they should take it easy this St. Patrick’s Day. “We want you guys to have fun and celebrate, but don’t go completely overboard this year, all right?” said the apprehensive U.S. populace, reminding the nation’s most outspoken bastion of both real and imagined Irish-American culture that they could celebrate the holiday without binge drinking, bare-knuckle boxing, or climbing on top of a car to drunkenly egg on bare-knuckle boxers. “By all means, you can drink a couple beers, even green beers, and have a good time, but maybe cool it with the Jameson shots and definitely no Irish coffee, okay? Remember, you racked up $42 million in medical bills last St. Patrick’s, and that’s before accounting for fire department overtime.” The nation further emphasized that it honestly wanted Boston to enjoy itself, and did not expect the city to maintain the quiet atmosphere of sullen, resentful drunkenness with which residents observed Black History Month.
Report: Friend’s Apartment Not Nice Enough To Be Asking People To Take Off Shoes #~# AMHERST, MA—Noting the various clothes and belongings strewn across the scratched, dust-covered floor, friends of local man Kyle Gruvard reported Thursday that his apartment was nowhere near nice enough for him to be asking people to take their shoes off. “I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling with this ‘no shoes’ charade, because he clearly doesn’t take his off when it’s just him in here,” said Geoff McDonough, who added that any dirt guests might be tracking in paled in comparison to the bits of food and grime gathered below his kitchen counters. “I’m not opposed to it in principle, but maybe own a vacuum before you start requesting that people remove their footwear at the door. Also, it’s fucking freezing in here.” At press time, Gruvard was hastily searching for a first aid kit after puncturing his toe on a thumbtack.
Scientology TV Network Sets Launch #~# The Church of Scientology cult launchd a 24/7 network on DirecTV and several streaming services this week, including such programs as Meet A Scientologist, Voices for Humanity, and L. Ron Hubbard: In His Own Voice. What do you think?
NRA Ad Director Still Searching For Right Sinister Music To Play Over Footage Of High Schoolers #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Even after pulling an all-nighter and trying dozens of options, director Bryan Jenkins of the National Rifle Association’s longtime ad agency Ackerman McQueen was reportedly still searching Wednesday for just the right sinister music to play over footage of high school students. “We’ve been at it for hours, but I really want it to hit the perfect ominous note so it scares people when we suddenly punch in on a black-and-white photo of [Parkland, FL school shooting survivor] Emma González hugging her friends,” Jenkins said of the 30-second spot, insisting it should feature a menacing crescendo as a still of teenagers advocating for gun reform turns into an eerie, inverted photo negative of the children with the words “LIES,” “ARROGANCE,” and “HATRED” overlaid. “It has to be really creepy and dark-sounding, especially when it switches to the slo-mo of that 14-year-old smiling while the voice-over disparages his motives. Oh! And for this shot of 11th-graders standing at a podium, I’m definitely hearing a slow progression of minor chords.” A frustrated Jenkins later conceded that he may be overthinking it, given that the ad could run with no music at all and NRA members would continue to be completely terrified of the school-age protesters.
Busy Schedule Forces Vladimir Putin To Move Up Election Win A Couple Days Early #~# MOSCOW—After consulting a schedule consisting of council meetings, appointing Gazprom executives to ministry posts, and conducting military inspections, Russian President Vladimir Putin was forced to adjust his personal timetable Wednesday and move up his election victory by a couple of days. “Between meeting Chinese diplomats and handling Syria, things are just too crazy next week for me to deal with winning the presidency,” said Putin, noting that as Thursdays were usually a slower day for him in general, he should have no problem winning a mid- or late-afternoon presidential election. “I’m completely swamped with planning and denying this whole assassination thing, so there’s no way that I’ll have time to go to celebrations and give triumphant speeches. To be honest, I’ve been procrastinating on winning this one anyway. I just hate spending a couple hours adjusting my margin of victory down to believable levels, but I admit it’s better than dealing with too many protests.” At press time, an increasingly exasperated Putin insisted this was the last time he would put up with “the expensive, inconvenient time sink” of even holding elections.
Construction Union Seeks To Reduce Incidence Of Accidents Involving Babies Crawling On Steel I-Beams #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the problem an unfortunately common occurrence, the Laborers’ International Union of North America announced new regulations Thursday aimed at reducing the number of escaped babies crawling on steel I-beams hanging precariously in the air. “When jobsites around the country being are thrown into disarray every day by curious infants who have somehow found their way onto thin metal bars dangling beside the upper floors of rising skyscrapers, we have no choice but to act,” said LIUNA General President Terry O’Sullivan, mandating that going forward, crews would be required to have other I-beams that could miraculously swing into place and extend the babies’ paths, as well as large white cloth sheets to break any potential falls. “Furthermore, and because these incidents are so often related, we also recommend that workers check for any slippery grease puddles or loose boards that could fly up and hit someone in the face, such as a sleepwalker, a cat burglar, or a hapless father searching for his missing toddler.” The move comes after four babies in the past two weeks fell off of I-beams and plunged into vats of wet concrete, emerging frozen solid but otherwise unharmed.
Department Of Education Study Finds Only 30% Of Students Adequately Prepared For Spring Musical #~# WASHINGTON—Examining data obtained from thousands of reportedly lackluster rehearsals across the country, a new study released Wednesday by the U.S. Department of Education concluded that a mere 30 percent of students are adequately prepared for the spring musical. “Our analysis found that, with tech week right around the corner, less than a third of leads in American public schools have their lines off-book, their scene blocking down pat, or their solos anywhere close to performance-ready,” said department spokesperson Larry Tan, who noted that a scant 26 percent of high school cast members can land their kick-ball-changes, while just 15 percent are able to complete proper box steps, bell kicks, or pivot turns. “Despite the best efforts of educators, most lighting techs have not yet learned their cues, only a fraction of crews are finished with the main set pieces, and nearly every pit orchestra in the nation is still rushing the opening number. The majority of students have been practicing since February, but based on the frankly embarrassing dress rehearsals our researchers witnessed, you could be forgiven for thinking auditions were just a week or two ago.” Tan went on to say that unless schools make significant improvements soon, the nation’s youth will be vastly underprepared for a life in community theater.
Historians Say It Still A Mystery How People In Ancient Times Didn’t Just Go Crazy And Kill Themselves #~# LONDON—Citing the era’s indiscriminate violence, rampant disease, constant threat of famine, and near-total absence of personal hygiene, historians at the University of Cambridge reported Wednesday that it was still very much a mystery how people in ancient times didn’t just go crazy and fucking kill themselves. “Amazingly, and despite centuries of scholarship on the subject, we remain no closer to understanding why ancient societies continued to function without descending into mass suicide due to the abject shittiness all around them,” said professor Edmund McCullough, adding that any rational human, when confronted with the barbaric and terrifying medical treatments of the day, would have had the wherewithal to throw themselves off the nearest cliff. “Think about what it must have been like—living in a tiny, filthy hut where everyone was contagious, shitting in a river that was also your drinking source, spending all day looking for food so as not to starve to death. It’s a wonder that the first spears were used to hunt rather than slit one’s own wrists.” McCullough speculated that one possible explanation was that with a life expectancy of 28, most ancients probably figured it would all be over soon enough anyway.
Tips For Securing Your Home #~# Securing your home to ensure that you, your family, and your belongings are safe from theft or invasion can be done through a variety of traditional and technological methods. Here are The Onion’s tips for keeping your home safe.
New Workplace Diversity Initiative Kills One White Employee Every Hour On The Hour Until More Minority Candidates Hired #~# TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an effort to foster a more inclusive workplace, Jetsam Marketing Solutions announced Wednesday a new plan to implement diversity by conducting hourly regimented killings of white employees and hiring a more equitable percentage of minority candidates in their stead. “Until our staffing goals are met, one white person, preferably a straight man, will be publicly executed every 60 minutes, leaving a vacant position for a candidate who represents an historically disadvantaged group,” said human resources manager Allison Conte, who sat behind her desk and sharpened a knife as she told reporters the company could no longer be accused of merely paying lip service to representation. “While creating a more diverse organization is not something that happens overnight, we believe that at our current pace we can have the matter resolved within five days, six tops.” At press time, sources confirmed several newly hired employees at Jetsam Marketing had filed complaints alleging the company maintains a hostile work environment.
MIT Aims To Build Fusion Power Plant Within 15 Years #~# The Massachusetts Institute of Technology plans to bring nuclear fusion to market in the next 15 years after receiving a $50 million investment, a development that could offer the world massively more efficient and cleaner energy. What do you think?
Proud Billionaire Helps Young Son Open First Offshore Bank Account #~# VICTORIA, SEYCHELLES—Welling with pride as the child made his initial $2 million deposit, hedge fund billionaire Seymour Gansthorpe reportedly helped his son Elwin, 8, open his first offshore bank account, sources reported Tuesday. “These are the kinds of things you live for as a dad: getting to watch your little boy start funneling vast sums of untraceable wealth through a shell corporation of his very own,” said Gansthorpe, recalling that it was around this age that his father first sat him down and taught him the ins and outs of stashing capital far away from the prying eyes of the IRS. “I’m just glad I got to help guide him through this important rite of passage. He may not realize it now, but laundering money through quasi-legal banking operations in the middle of the Indian Ocean is a skill he’ll use for the rest of his life.” Gansthorpe added that he wanted to savor the moment, since “in the blink of an eye” he’d be buying his son’s way into college.
Britain Blames Russia For Poisoning Of Former Spy #~# British Prime Minister Theresa May said Russia’s involvement in poisoning a former Russian spy was “highly likely” and called it a direct act of the Russian state against the United Kingdom. What do you think?
Gina Haspel Recalls Having To Torture More Prisoners Than Male Colleagues To Prove Herself #~# WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the gender discrimination she faced in her field before receiving President Trump’s nomination to become the first female director of the CIA, career intelligence officer Gina Haspel recalled Tuesday having to torture many more prisoners than her male colleagues to prove herself. “For a long time, no one would take me seriously even though I was abusing twice as many detainees and employing far crueler methods than most of the men I worked with,” said Haspel, the current CIA deputy director, adding that her work overseeing the “Cat’s Eye” secret prison in Thailand in the early 2000s proved she could run an extralegal black site just as well as any man. “It was really frustrating how I’d have to continually come up with more innovative and brutal ways to torture high-value assets just to receive the slightest bit of recognition from my superiors, whereas the men who held the same position as me could just coast by on the same old sensory-deprivation techniques. I mean, I had to waterboard one suspected al-Qaeda member 83 times in a single month until he lost an eye—you think any of my male coworkers had to work that hard to get ahead? When you’re a woman, they never fully appreciate the things you do for them. It doesn’t matter how many videotapes of illegal torture you help destroy on the CIA’s behalf.” Haspel added that she hoped her promotion would help usher in a new age where there were more women like her in power.
Rex Tillerson Shoots Mike Pompeo Quick Email Explaining All The Countries #~# WASHINGTON—Jotting down a few thoughts in order to help his replacement hit the ground running, departing Secretary of State Rex Tillerson reportedly shot Mike Pompeo a quick email Tuesday to help get him up to speed on all the countries. “Hey Mike, just wanted to give you a brief rundown on the nations of the Earth before I head out,” read Tillerson’s email, which then proceeded to list, in no particular order, the 206 countries of the world, along with brief, often one-word descriptions for each. “Mexico: Spanish-speaking nation on southern border that doesn’t like walls; Australia: big island with kangaroos and no guns; China: communists, trading partner, we owe them lots of money; Nigeria: hot; Saudi Arabia: fantastic; South Korea: ???” Sources confirmed Tillerson concluded his email by saying there was no need to stress out about remembering everything on the list, as he hadn’t found it necessary to know all that much about the countries and Pompeo probably wouldn’t either.
Secretary Of State Fired After Inappropriately Weighing In On International Politics #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the administration would not tolerate such egregious behavior from an official in his capacity, the White House confirmed Tuesday that outgoing Secretary of State Rex Tillerson had been fired for inappropriately weighing in on international politics. “Mr. Tillerson was well aware of what we expected from him as the nation’s chief diplomat, and therefore should have known better than to give his opinions on a foreign policy matter,” read the statement from the White House, citing Tillerson’s public condemnation of Russia for its likely involvement in a nerve agent attack in the U.K. as “completely out of line” and “inconsistent with the current administration’s understanding of his duties.” “By assessing an international situation between allies and voicing his perspective as head of the State Department, Mr. Tillerson completely overstepped his jurisdiction. This administration’s firm stance against this kind of overreach by senior diplomatic advisers led President Trump to act swiftly and remove Mr. Tillerson from his position.” At press time, Trump was praising his new nominee for secretary of state, Mike Pompeo, for his strong commitment to diplomacy within the boundaries of what the president will allow.
I Just Found Out About Socks, And I’ve Gotta Say, Wow #~# Look, I’m the last person to blindly glom onto whatever hot new lifestyle trend is popular at the moment, but this time is different. I’ve just discovered something that’s so transformative, so revolutionary, I can’t imagine how I ever lived without it. Trust me, this is no gimmick. I’m talking about socks, and now that I’m finally in the know, all I can say is, WOW! 
Man Unsure How To Expose Self To Woman He Likes Without Coming Off As A Creep #~# DAVENPORT, IA—Acknowledging that his purely romantic intentions could easily be misunderstood, potential suitor James Gerretson said Tuesday he was unsure how to display his penis to the woman he liked without coming off as a creep. “The beginning of any relationship is a delicate time, so instead of risking a clumsy or tasteless move, I’ll wait until she smiles at me to take my penis out. And I won’t just crack the whip, either, just tease it out bit by bit so as not to seem overbearing,” said Gerretson, adding that if he messed up his chances by exposing himself in an uncool fashion, he’d regret it forever. “Guys probably show their dicks to gorgeous women like her all the time, so I’ve got to do better than just ‘Bang! Penis!’ The last thing I want is to be some weirdo who’s part of the problem.” Gerretson further remarked that he looked forward to the day when women felt empowered enough to take the initiative and expose their genitals to him.
Woman All Geared Up To Complain About Work Sidelined By Friend With Marital Problems #~# FAIRBANKS, AK—Though she was all geared up to complain about work when she went out for coffee Tuesday, local woman Laura Roman was reportedly forced to table any discussion of her frustrations after being sidelined by a friend with marital problems. “Goddammit, I was ready to blow off some serious steam about how awful my job has been recently, but then, out of nowhere, Katie bursts into tears and says she’s been having problems with Mark,” said Roman, 38, observing that she couldn’t possibly vent about the client who had yelled at her that morning, not after her friend began talking about how marriage counseling had been a bust and she wasn’t sure things would work out. “As soon as she started telling me she’s been unhappy in her relationship for a while now, I knew there was no way I’d find an opening to mention that I’m long overdue for a promotion. And when she said she thinks Mark might be cheating on her, I realized I wasn’t even going to get to squeeze in an offhand remark about having to work late every night this week.” Sources confirmed that the moment her friend excused herself to use the restroom, a pent-up Roman immediately sent out a half dozen texts to other friends complaining about how her boss has been “a total dick” lately.
Coca-Cola Will Launch First-Ever Alcoholic Drink In Japan #~# Beverage giant Coca-Cola is developing its first-ever alcoholic spin on its classic soda to be sold in Japan later this year, saying it will be 3 percent to 8 percent alcohol and feature a vodka-like distillation of rice, barley, and potatoes known as shōchū. What do you think?
Daylight Saving Time Begins #~# Americans set their clocks forward by one hour on Sunday so that daylight lasts further into the evening. How are you coping with losing an hour?
Kinky Couple Has Mirror In Bathroom #~# DURAND, MN—Guests in the home of local couple Steve and Pamela Baker were taken aback Sunday after being confronted with the sight of the large mirror mounted on the libertine kink-lovers’ bathroom wall. “I suspected those two were adventurous, but wow, I did not expect they’d rig a mirror for watching themselves doing God knows what right there in front of the sink,” said friend Rae Tanner, who also engaged in nervous speculation that the mirror may constitute a subtle invitation to join in on her hosts’ ablution-related sexual depravity. “It wouldn’t even be any of my business, but it’s a little irresponsible for swingers to put their big mirror right out in the open like this. What if a child came in here?” At press time, a horrified Tanner was trying to wash up and leave as fast as possible to avoid looking at her hosts’ electric toothbrush.
CNN Panelists Warn North Korea Situation Way Too Complex For Them To Discuss Intelligently #~# ATLANTA—Explaining that the topic involves an elaborate web of military, political, and economic issues, CNN panelists warned Monday that the North Korea situation was way too complex for them to discuss intelligently. “Viewers should understand that a CNN panel has absolutely no business deliberating about the complicated geopolitical situation in North Korea and will instead spout the dumbest things possible,” said CNN Tonight host Don Lemon, who noted that the interwoven alliances and competing interests of nations like China and Japan made it impossible for a group of six random pundits to do anything but repeat meaningless platitudes, provide uninformed guesses, and start yelling at each other. “We can say ‘Trump’s a dealmaker,’ and we can repeat Kim Jong-un’s name a few times, but with so many intricate, unclear problems, you should realize that we can’t offer anything that even comes close to resembling real insight. Dealing with North Korea requires patience, tact, and a strong grasp of the multifaceted realities on the ground, none of which are possessed by any of the generic campaign strategist washouts who we hire at CNN.” Lemon also warned that the North Korea situation was likely to continue deteriorating if viewers didn’t turn off CNN and read something written by an actual expert.
CDC Rolls Out Fleet Of Narcan Biplanes To Fumigate Opioid-Ravaged Small Towns #~# ATLANTA—As part of its ongoing campaign to combat the epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention rolled out a new fleet of Narcan-equipped biplanes Monday to fumigate opioid-ravaged small towns nationwide. “It’s become obvious that half measures will not remedy this crisis, so the next step is for CDC aircraft to spray communities decimated by addiction with atomized opioid blockers,” said acting CDC director Anne Schuchat, adding that every one of the Boeing-Stearman Model 75 biplanes purchased by the agency has been retrofitted with 800-gallon aerosol canisters capable of dispersing enough Narcan to restart the hearts of every man, woman, and child in the United States roughly 28 times. “We’ll be dropping Narcan over residential neighborhoods, parks, alleyways, schools—any conceivable place where opioid abuse or overdose may occur. Our goal is to run these biplanes continuously, replenishing fuel and Narcan midair when possible. Hopefully, this will enable us to administer aerial applications of the opiate antidote every few minutes.” At press time, CDC officials were troubled by incoming reports that millions of citizens across the nation had already become addicted to the gas.
Betsy DeVos Argues Issue Of Guns In Schools Should Be Fully Left Up To Individual Shooters #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that there was no one-size-fits-all solution to the problem, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos reportedly argued Monday that the issue of guns in schools should be fully left up to the individual shooters. “It’s not the role of the federal government to step in and dictate whether firearms in the classroom are the right choice for any one specific shooter,” said DeVos, who told reporters that every shooter is different and that it should be in their hands to decide how much training they need and what sort of weapon they should carry. “It makes sense that a shooter in rural Iowa is going to require a different setup than a shooter in the middle of Atlanta. Instead of trying to solve this with an overly broad and ineffective mandate, we need to be making decisions on a shooter-by-shooter basis.” DeVos added that she believes strongly in this policy, as it has already proven successful with shooters across the country.
Girlfriend’s Birthday Weekend A Nightmarish, Labyrinthian Journey Through Her Darkest, Most Depraved Desires #~# NEW YORK—Describing the 72-hour gauntlet of meals, gifts, surprises, and social events as “spine-chilling,” exhausted local man Blake McNally told reporters Monday that his girlfriend’s birthday weekend had been a nightmarish labyrinth through her darkest and most depraved desires. “God, I thought we were done after getting tapas with her roommates, walking along the river, and sharing an impromptu couple’s massage, but little did I know that was only the beginning,” said McNally, recalling that the following day was a harrowing and debauched odyssey of rock climbing, wine tasting, furniture browsing, and salsa dancing that culminated in two separate karaoke engagements. “Then her sick, twisted mind had us wake up early to visit the Natural History Museum, which morphed into cocktails on a rooftop bar, followed by a sudden urge to take a carriage ride through Central Park—all this, of course, being a prelude to the actual birthday dinner with her parents.” At press time, McNally’s girlfriend said she was looking forward to planning his birthday weekend, a wild, unhinged fantasia of pizza and Xbox.
Audience Left Wondering What Happened After Action Film Pans From Character To Shot Of Blood Spattering Against Wall #~# PARK CITY, UT—Admitting they felt utterly bewildered after viewing the new action movie Run River, audience members voiced their confusion Monday regarding a shot that panned from the villain to blood spattering against a wall. “It was really unclear; first, you see the bad guy with his hands up, then the camera moves to a wall, then the wall gets hit with blood, and then you hear something heavy hitting the floor. After that scene, we don’t even see the bad guy for the rest of the movie. Were we supposed to just guess what happened?” said audience member Hank Ulomi, noting that the character was one of the main criminals and therefore too important to simply go away without any sort of explanation. “I watched all the way through the credits to see if he showed up at some point, and also to find out where all that blood came from, but there was nothing. I guess that’ll be in the sequel.” The filmgoers added, however, that they were absolutely clear regarding the scene in which the hero and his lover found themselves under the bedcovers together straining to operate a bicycle pump.
Opioid Overdoses Soar By 30% #~# A Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report found that overdoses due to opioids such as oxycodone, fentanyl, and heroin increased by 30 percent from July 2016 to September 2017, revealing a still worsening crisis. What do you think?
World’s Oldest Message In A Bottle Found On Australian Beach #~# A 132-year-old message in a bottle was found by an Australian family, with experts verifying that it was thrown off of a German Naval Observatory vessel in 1886 as an experiment in shipping routes. What do you think?
Negative Review Of ‘A Wrinkle In Time’ Peppered With Critic Assuring Readers He Still Totally Supports Diversity #~# OAKLAND, CA—Alternating his problems with the film’s story structure, pacing, and overall tone with effusive praise for the cast of strong, multicultural women, Bay Area Examiner film columnist Justin Garren published a negative review of A Wrinkle In Time Friday in which he nevertheless took pains to remind his readership of his support for diversity. “This adaptation of Madeleine L’Engle’s young-adult classic sanitizes the book’s most powerful themes, making it a rare miss for director Ava DuVernay, whose MLK biopic, Selma, I give my highest recommendation,” Garren wrote in his two-star review of the science-fiction adventure, painstakingly and repeatedly noting that his objections to the film are purely on cinematic grounds. “There’s plenty of blame to go around, as many of the film’s problems lie squarely at the feet of white people—Jennifer Lee delivered a tepid screenplay that was done no favors by Chris Pine’s hardly there performance.” At press time, Garren had taken to social media to promote his thinkpiece lavishing praise on virtually every aspect of Black Panther.
Each Passenger Has Own Theory About How Guy Got Into First Class #~# DALLAS—As they filed silently past the disheveled twentysomething staring intently at his iPhone, each passenger on American Airlines Flight 176 to Miami on Friday reportedly had a different theory as to how the occupant of seat 3A managed to get into first class. “I don’t know, he looks way too young to be a CEO and not cool enough to be in a band—I’m picking up a sort of scion-of-a-wealthy-family vibe, but I could be wrong,” said Annie Tolbert, her theory joining those of 228 other coach passengers who each made their own speculations about the man probably being an early employee of a startup who had cashed out when the company went public, a child of divorce who had amassed a fortune in frequent-flyer miles shuttling back and forth between his parents, or perhaps a close friend of the pilot’s son. “Actually, this flight’s pretty full. Maybe he just got a free upgrade.” Sources elsewhere on the plane claimed the young man didn’t look that excited to be seated in first class, so he must do this all the time and couldn’t possibly have just been bumped up.
Episode 6: The Game Changer #~# In the finale of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David returns to where it all began to finally solve the murder of Hayley Price.
Wilbur Ross Shakes Self Awake After Briefly Dying During Cabinet Meeting #~# WASHINGTON—Shaking himself back to consciousness and cardiopulmonary function following a momentary lapse in personal viability, Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross apologized to the other cabinet members after briefly dying during a meeting on steel tariffs Friday. “Whoops, sorry about that—just walked towards the light for a second,” said Ross, blinking rapidly as his neurons resumed firing and his soul settled back into its vessel of flesh following his latest brush with eternity. “Sorry, folks, all brain function just sort of ceased there and I briefly beheld the sight of my dead loved ones beckoning to me from the far side of the gate to the night country. What’d I miss?” Sources confirmed that Ross’ colleagues have previously expressed their annoyance at the secretary’s brushes with mortality, claiming they find themselves distracted by his loud and frequent death rattles.
Netflix Executive Unsure How To Tell Barack Obama His Series Idea Just ‘Fawlty Towers’ #~# LOS GATOS, CA—Acknowledging that the former president’s enthusiasm for the project made it all the harder to come clean, Netflix chief content officer Ted Sarandos was reportedly unsure Friday how to tell Barack Obama his series idea was just Fawlty Towers. “Oh God, he clearly put so much work into the pitch, but I don’t know how to tell him that John Cleese and Connie Booth already did the exact same thing, like, 40 years ago,” said Sarandos, attempting to find a tactful way to inform the former chief executive that his idea for Chez Obama, which would star the 44th president as a temperamental hotel proprietor who gets into all manner of farcical situations as he tries to corral his eccentric guests and wacky employees, was basically identical to the beloved British sitcom. “I’m just sitting there nodding along as he goes on and on about how there would be so many opportunities for physical comedy in an episode where a bellhop’s pet rat escapes the same day as the health inspector arrives, and I freeze. What am I supposed to say? He’s honestly never heard of this show before? Then he gets all excited talking about how Michelle could even play the intelligent, put-upon chambermaid, and my heart just about broke.” After receiving the bad news, an undaunted Obama immediately launched into his backup pitch for a 12-part miniseries about the early Roman Empire as told from the perspective of the elderly emperor Claudius.
Biologists Still Uncertain About Evolutionary Function Of Ugly People #~# HINXTON, ENGLAND—Convening this week for an annual conference to discuss the role of unseemly physical traits in natural selection, researchers from around the globe reportedly remained divided on the issue of ugly people’s evolutionary function. “If the goal of the human adult is to reproduce, then why, after millions of years, do ugly people still remain in the gene pool?” said Dr. Laura Salz of Stanford University, theorizing that perhaps the existence of hideous or repulsive individuals helps to make the hot people in their immediate vicinity seem more sexually desirable. “Is it vestigial from ancient survival traits to scare predators away by looking disgusting, or do they serve some other unknown purpose? Because even if some do succeed in mating with each other, they will only create unsightly offspring, who will then in turn produce more uglies, ad infinitum.” Salz then excused herself to deliver her keynote speech, “Population History Of The North American Butterface.”
Dozens Of Other Countries That Interfered In 2016 Election Annoyed Russia Getting All The Credit #~# WASHINGTON—Complaining that U.S. investigations into foreign interference in the election have gotten almost everything wrong, officials from dozens of countries around the world expressed irritation Friday that all of the credit for meddling in the 2016 presidential race was going to Russia.
Fresh Beef Coming To McDonald’s #~# Fast-food giant McDonald’s announced it will roll out fresh beef at the majority of its domestic locations in a move to battle for customers’ increasingly divided attention. What do you think?
New Evidence Reveals Ancient Greeks Immediately Regretted Inventing Theater #~# OXFORD, ENGLAND—Providing insight into the culture of early Western civilization, historians from the University of Oxford announced Friday the discovery of new evidence revealing that ancient Greeks immediately regretted inventing theater. “Our research shows that directly after developing theatrical performances as a way to honor the gods during religious festivals, the people of sixth-century Athens realized what a terrible thing they had done,” said research associate Hannah Brubaker, whose team of translators and anthropologists are working to catalogue reams of writing in which classical Greeks confessed that the idea of a professional class of people wearing costumes and masks while standing on stage and performing stories was a horrendous mistake. “It appears the Greeks almost immediately recognized that this new craft would create an entire subcommunity centered around the worst attention-seeking narcissists in their society and inspire a litany of terrible productions that they would all have to sit through. The Athenians in particular, being the most refined, sensitive, and sophisticated of the Greeks, instantly wished they had never conceived of theater in the first place.” Brubaker added that several new findings suggest the ancient Greeks also lamented encouraging those prone to pondering life’s unanswerable questions out loud to call themselves “philosophers.”
Apple Employees Called 911 After Smacking Heads On Headquarters’ Glass #~# Employees in the new Apple headquarters have been repeatedly walking into its glass windows and doors, forcing some to call 911 due to mild concussions. What do you think?
Report: Human Bones Found On Remote Pacific Island Most Likely Remains Of Those Eaten By Amelia Earhart #~# PHOENIX ISLANDS, KIRIBATI—Claiming to have uncovered definitive proof that the pioneer aviatrix survived following her mysterious 1937 disappearance, forensic researchers announced Thursday that a variety of human bones found on the remote western Pacific island of Nikumaroro are most likely the remains of those eaten by Amelia Earhart. “The bite marks on these uncovered femurs are a perfect match to Earhart’s dental records, clearly indicating that, after crash-landing on this island, she lived long enough to consume the area’s original inhabitants,” said archaeologist Greg Romero, whose team also found boiled human skulls, tibias sucked of their marrow, and human rib cages displaying scorch marks consistent with roasting over open flame. “We have always assumed Earhart either died on impact or survived her crash only to die of starvation within a few days, but this discovery is evidence that she lived on to hunt at least one island civilization to extinction, feasting with gusto on their flesh.” Communication with Romero’s team was lost earlier today shortly after reports that Earhart was likely still alive and tracking them as they spoke.
Huckabee Sanders Warns Stormy Daniels’ Disclosures Just Steamy, Sexy Distraction From Real Issues #~# WASHINGTON—Urging journalists not to fixate on specious rumors and instead pursue topics of real importance, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders warned reporters assembled for the press briefing Thursday that allegations of President Trump’s affair with adult film star Stormy Daniels were a steamy, sexy distraction from the real issues. “Look, I know how easy it is to get all hot and bothered while reading these tantalizing stories about the president, but Americans need to focus on the concrete problems affecting our nation,” said a sweaty, visibly aroused Huckabee Sanders, who flushed noticeably and bit her bottom lip as she encouraged reporters to concentrate on the issues concerning everyday citizens instead of whatever filthy, animalistic sexual acts may or may not have occurred during a hedonistic weekend in Beverly Hills. “Journalists should be reporting on the decreasing unemployment rate and the return of manufacturing jobs, not the president’s engorged genitals or the intoxicating idea of two people in a five-star Lake Tahoe hotel room tonguing honey from each other’s secret places during an illicit tryst. However titillating they might be, these rumors are just a diversion from the hard, sweaty work of helping the American worker onto his back. Back on his feet.” Huckabee Sanders then apologized for emptying a pitcher of ice water over her head during her presentation, excused herself, and staggered moaning from the briefing room.
Fast-Learning New Hire Gains Quick Grasp Of How Terrible Job Is #~# CHICAGO—Saying the employee picked up on her position’s mind-numbing dullness right out of the gate, local marketing manager Glen Marshall told reporters Wednesday that new hire Jennifer Schwartz was gaining a quick grasp of how terrible her new job is. “Wow, Jennifer seemed to immediately get a hang of how utterly pointless and draining working as a social media manager at our firm can be,” said an impressed Marshall, adding that by the end of her first day, the astute worker even appeared to be totally clued in to the marketing group’s uniquely horrible corporate culture, complete lack of leadership, and unprofessional atmosphere. “It usually takes a couple weeks to get a handle on how soul-crushing it is to toil away on tedious, unrewarding projects day in and day out among the most miserable and incompetent people around, but she absorbed just how much this place sucks like a sponge. It’s almost as if she’s been plodding along in our dreary office for years.” At press time, a prideful Marshall was reminded of himself, who was also young and eager to understand how awful the company was when he started out there.
Point/Counterpoint: All My Life, I’ve Worked Hard, Told The Truth, Been A Good Husband And Father, And Today I Was Diagnosed With Cancer vs. I Feel Great! #~# During my 48 years in this world, I’ve done my best to lead a good life. I’ve worked hard, been honest in my dealings with others, and tried to give generously of my time and talents. After marrying the love of my life, I settled down to make a home with her, and together we’re raising two beautiful daughters. Such things don’t spare one from fate, of course, but they went through my mind today when my doctor told me I have stage IV colon cancer.
Pros And Cons Of Open Relationships #~# Over the past few years, interest in alternatives to traditional monogamous relationships has increased, and more people are experimenting with having more than one romantic partner. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of open relationships. 
Report: Average American Walks Less Than One Mile Each Year With Pants Around Ankles #~# BALTIMORE—In a report many experts have described as deeply discouraging, researchers at Johns Hopkins University published data Thursday that suggest the average American adult walks no more than a mile each year with their pants down around their ankles. “Though a small handful of Americans clumsily waddle up to five miles annually with their pants bunched up at their feet and their belts jangling on the ground, the unfortunate truth is that most of us never walk more than a few feet in this condition,” said the report’s visibly concerned co-author Ryan Groth, explaining that apart from occasional scrambles out of the bathroom to get more toilet paper or to answer the front door while getting dressed, U.S. residents are barely shuffling around in the awkward position at all. “We had expected to find a few instances in which people charged out of their homes to catch a bus, only to discover later that they had failed to properly zip up and button their pants beforehand. Or maybe a case or two in which a man in a fancy suit walked several blocks before he finally looked down at his feet, realized his pants had fallen down, and exclaimed, ‘Oh no, not again!’ But regrettably, this just wasn’t the case.” Groth added that Americans were far more likely to spend time with their pants wrapped around their heels in a sedentary position after coming home from work and being too lazy to take them off completely.
Americans No Longer Prefer Sons To Daughters #~# A Gallup study indicates a growing bias against having sons and towards having daughters in most American parents, with experts citing a “subtle fear of boys and the trouble they might bring.” What do you think?
NYC Park Officials Finally Get Around To Replacing Dead Light Bulbs In Statue Of Liberty’s Eyes #~# NEW YORK—Capping a lengthy project to restore the iconic monument to its original form, New York City park officials announced Thursday that they have finally finished replacing the long-dead light bulbs in the Statue of Liberty’s eyes. “From its unveiling in 1889 until Hurricane Sandy damaged the statue in 2012, visitors to Liberty Island bathed in the radiance of the blinding beams shooting from Lady Liberty’s eyes, a symbol of freedom’s undying and inescapable vigilance,” said National Park Service Director Michael P. Reynolds, who confirmed that the 2.7-million-lumen flood lights now screwed into each of the statue’s colossal eye sockets will once again cast their brilliant white glare across New York Bay, just as they did while guiding immigrants to Ellis Island. “Today, I’m happy to say that Liberty’s eyes are again piercing the night, not with [Frédéric Auguste] Bartholdi’s system of gaslights and mirrors, but with energy-efficient LEDs that more accurately express contemporary American values.” Reynolds noted, however, that the complex process of overhauling the steam turbines that drive the statue’s spinning crown would not be completed in the foreseeable future.
Man At Gym Apparently Comfortable Standing Naked Right In Middle Of Spin Class #~# FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Noting that the middle-aged individual walked in, dropped his towel, and began making small talk with those around him, sources confirmed Wednesday that a man at Core Fitness Center appeared to have absolutely no qualms about standing around naked in front of everyone in spin class. “That guy sure is taking his sweet-ass time getting dressed right there in the middle of the spinning room,” said gym member Jeremy Kirsch, 27, who added that while the man had finally managed to put a pair of socks on, he was still almost entirely nude as he took a seat on the stationary bike and attempted to engage others in conversation. “I’m glad he’s comfortable with his own body and everything, but I come to spin class to get a workout, not to look at some old dude’s junk. My God, he keeps talking to people as if his dick weren’t hanging out right there where everybody can see it.” At press time, the naked man was reportedly discussing the best way to get a good hamstring stretch and had put his leg up on the spin bike’s handlebars to demonstrate.
North Korea Open To Relinquishing Nuclear Arms #~# South Korean officials say Kim Jong-Un is willing to give up his nuclear ambitions if his regime is guaranteed safety by the United States. What do you think?
5-Year-Old Explorer Makes Contact With Life-Forms In Adjacent Booth #~# MERIDIAN, ID—Approaching the mysterious beings with a sense of curiosity and wonder, 5-year-old explorer Olivia Reynolds reportedly made contact Wednesday with two unknown life-forms in an adjacent booth at a local diner. According to witnesses, the harrowing journey began when the intrepid Reynolds stood up on her seat and peered over the padded vinyl backrest, greeting the small clan of exotic creatures by saying, “Hi.” After making initial contact, Reynolds reportedly extended the gift of a broken crayon as a sort of peace offering between herself and the peculiar organisms as she probed deeper into their culture by asking, “Who are you?” and, “Do you like dinosaurs?” Once Reynolds had gained the trust of the entities, the pre-kindergartener then attempted to embed herself in their community by boldly climbing over the divider and using their table to prop herself up. At press time, Reynolds had retrieved a piece of bacon for later analysis and was fleeing back to the safety of her own kind.
Episode 5, Part 2: Did My Police Department Miss Something? #~# In the second part of the fifth episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David finally confronts W.O. Calloway about the murder of Hayley Price.
Gregg Popovich Berates Spurs For Missing Nation’s Descent Into Oligarchy  #~# SAN ANTONIO—Seething after watching his players allow the wealthy to control the legislative process totally unopposed, head coach Gregg Popovich reportedly blasted the Spurs Wednesday for completely missing America’s descent into an oligarchy. “Wake up out there guys, how many times do I have to point out that trickle-down economics does nothing but consolidate wealth into the hands of the elite?” said Popovich, who furiously scrawled out a chart on his whiteboard that illustrated stagnant worker wage growth skyrocketing executive salaries. “You guys are running around like you can’t see cutting corporate taxes does nothing but increase the deficit and aid entrenched powers. Ginobili, Gasol, we’ve gone over Citizens United in practice for weeks. Didn’t we study all that video on how the middle class is being gutted? How are you not seeing this?” At press time, Popovich was admonishing the team for not spotting their own complicity in the unequal system while they ran back on defense.
Going To Bed Last Thing Tempurpedic CEO Wants To Think About After Long Day At Work #~# LEXINGTON, KY—Having spent his past 12 hours embroiled in the daily struggle to bring a relaxing sleep to customers nationwide, Tempurpedic CEO Scott L. Thompson told reporters Wednesday that the last thing he wanted to think about after an exhausting workday was going to bed. “Honestly, after a long day overseeing the production and marketing of ultra-comfortable mattresses, sheets, pillows, and other sleep systems, the last thing I want to do is lie down anywhere, let alone on a bed,” said Thompson, adding that the thought of becoming horizontal or covering himself with fabric puts him on edge after spending an afternoon analyzing the benefits of materials designed to conform to your body and provide custom, cool-to-the-touch comfort. “All day, we’re talking about back support and pressure relief, and then my wife says I have to to come to bed? Sorry, honey. Right now, my Sleep Number is zero.” Thompson further stated he was planning on spending most of the night fully clothed in a standing position.
Doctor Performs Brain Surgery On Wrong Patient #~# A doctor in Kenya has been suspended after performing brain surgery on a patient who merely needed medication for a swollen head, rather than the intended individual. Both patients are expected to recover. What do you think?
New Body Negativity Campaign Promotes Idea That Ugliness Comes In All Shapes And Sizes #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to challenge conventional societal norms of unattractiveness, a new series of body-negative public service announcements released Wednesday promotes the idea that ugliness comes in all shapes and sizes. “Always remember that whether you’re thin, curvy, tall, short, or anything in between: You are ugly. And ugly is ugly is ugly,” the debut PSA from the “Face It: You’re Hideous” campaign read in part, stressing that one’s race, gender, or body type provided infinite ways to be flawed and therefore unlovable. “It doesn’t matter if you have acne, wide hips, or wrinkles, because that’s the least of your problems—your real unsightliness is inside. And as ugly as you feel, never believe you don’t look even worse. We’re here to tell you that you can, and you do.” The PSA also reminded readers that, if they felt anxious, depressed, or dejected because of their looks, no one blamed them.
Judge Forces Martin Shkreli To Forfeit $2 Million Wu-Tang Clan Album #~# After his conviction for security fraud, tech investor Martin Shkreli was forced to forfeit $7.36 million in assets, including the Wu-Tang Clan album that he bought at auction for $2 million. What do you think?
Report: It Not Hard At All To Imagine Your Coworkers’ Supple, Nude Bodies #~# WASHINGTON—Capping off months of intensive research, the U.S. Department of Labor released a report Tuesday confirming that it is not in the least bit difficult to visualize the supple, nude bodies of your coworkers, and that you really ought to give it try. “It’s a simple exercise we highly recommend: Close your eyes, imagine what your officemates look like with their clothes on, and then imagine their clothes falling gently to the floor,” said Dr. Edward Collins, who noted that after a few moments of quiet meditation, 92 percent of participants in a Labor Department study were able to treat themselves to titillating visions of ripped abdominals and hypnotic curves that, under normal workplace conditions, remain hidden beneath tantalizingly thin layers of fabric. “In fact, you can do it right now while you’re sitting at your desk. Our research indicates it won’t be long before you’re rewarded with arousing mental images of your nearest colleagues—their lithe, bare chests, thighs, and buttocks glistening as their respective sex organs grow hard and wet in the boundless depths of your imagination. It’s pretty damn hot.” Department officials later acknowledged the U.S. economy loses $7.8 billion each day due to the coworkers around you who are visualizing each other’s naked bodies at this very moment.
Warm Approach Of Potential New Friendship Just Street Canvasser Again #~# CHICAGO—Crestfallen at the realization that an eagerly anticipated interaction with a fellow sidewalk occupant would merely be a scripted discussion designed to raise awareness and possibly funds for social issues, local woman Taylor Whitlock reported Tuesday that the potential new friend walking towards her with an open air of greeting was merely yet another street canvasser. “Oh boy, could it really be that the beaming citizen making a beeline this way, smiling ear to ear, clipboard in tow, could be a new buddy for yours truly?” said Whitlock, mere moments before her good cheer was deflated by the stranger asking for her email to update her on events taking place in her area. “Maybe I can get a striking nylon jacket just like hers, and we can wear them as we go about town together. Finally, someone who isn’t afraid to reach out and take a chance on human contact! Such luck to be on this street corner at precisely the right time…Wait. Why is she talking to that other gentleman?” At press time, Whitlock had been brought low yet again upon realizing the man she believed would surely be her new boon companion was in fact homeless and asking for food.
Leonardo DiCaprio Nervous About Telling New Girlfriend He A Virgin #~# LOS ANGELES—Fearing that such a revelation might derail an otherwise promising relationship, actor Leonardo DiCaprio reported feeling nervous Tuesday about the inevitable moment when he would have to tell his new girlfriend that he is still a virgin. “I hope she doesn’t look at me differently when she finds out I’ve never gone all the way before,” said DiCaprio, 43, noting that while he has dated dozens of actresses and models—and once got to third base with Claire Danes on the set of 1996’s Romeo + Juliet—he hasn’t ever “sealed the deal” with one of his sweethearts. “I really like this girl, and I don’t want her to think I’m weird or anything, or that I’ve built up this whole ‘sex’ thing in my mind to the point where I’m going to have impossibly high expectations. The truth is, I’ve just been waiting for the right person to come along and don’t want to do it until it feels right.” Remarking that “good things come to those who wait,” DiCaprio pointed to the example of his close friend Martin Scorsese, who lost his virginity only last year and said it was “pretty cool.”
Military Historians Discover Majority Of Human Warfare Fought By Disguised Women Taking Place Of Ailing Fathers #~# LEXINGTON, VA—Upending generations of conventional wisdom about the nature of armed conflict, a new study published Tuesday has found that throughout history, most warfare has been conducted by women who disguised themselves as male soldiers to take the place of fathers too sick to fight themselves.
A Timeline Of Gun Laws In America #~# In the wake of another mass shooting, this one at a high school in Parkland, FL that claimed 17 lives, many Americans are demanding lawmakers address the nation’s firearm policies. The Onion presents a timeline of significant events in America’s gun law history.
People Called Me Crazy When I Said We Were Going To Sell The Common Chicken As Food, But Who’s Laughing Now #~# Most innovators are mocked in their own time. Doubters and naysayers always do their best to stifle bold thinking, though in my case, I refused to let the negative voices get to me. I knew I’d live to see the day when my greatest idea would be vindicated, and that’s exactly what happened. They laughed me off as a crazy person when I said we were going to sell the common chicken as food. Well, you know what? I’m the one laughing now.
Teacher In Cash-Strapped Ohio School District Forced To Make Do With Centuries-Old Firearms #~# ATHENS, OH—Acknowledging that the Ohio school district’s threadbare budget prevented him from purchasing more up-to-date equipment, local math teacher Kurt Hyde confirmed Tuesday that he was forced to make do with centuries-old firearms. “The students here really deserve better than a bunch of muzzle-loaded long guns that haven’t been relevant since the early 1800s,” said Hyde, expressing frustration that the school expected him to get by with a couple rusted flintlock pistols and a single Charleville musket that barely worked anymore. “I can’t tell you what a pain in the ass it is to have to pour the black powder charge down the barrel, put the lead ball into the muzzle, and then grab finer powder from my powder horn every time I want to take down an armed intruder, but I’m just trying to work with what I’ve got here. There were rumors last year that we were finally going to get a gatling gun, but it ended up going to some wealthy school district in Columbus.” Hyde added that he was in such desperate need for more modern supplies that he had considered asking students to bring in firearms from home.
Childhood Obesity Getting Worse #~# Despite positive findings in recent years, a study published in the journal Pediatrics revealed that childhood obesity is still on the rise. What do you think?
‘The Shape of Water’ Wins Best Picture  #~# The highest honor of the 90th Academy Awards went to Guillermo del Toro’s The Shape of Water, a film about the relationship that forms between a mute woman and an amphibious creature. What do you think?
‘Diversity Was The Real Winner Last Night,’ Report Hundreds Of Dumbasses Whose Very Existence Insults The Name Of Journalism #~# LOS ANGELES—Gushing that yesterday’s Oscars had changed the face of Hollywood forever, hundreds of total fucking dumbasses whose very existence insults the name of journalism reported Monday that “diversity was the real winner last night.” “On a night traditionally filled with glitz and glam, it was race and gender equality that finally had their moment in the Oscars spotlight,” wrote countless slathering dipshits, who, by publishing surface-level puff pieces claiming that “new voices had triumphed on the biggest stage in Tinseltown,” upended the very foundation on which journalism was based. “Inclusion stole the show last night in a dazzling spectacle that proves once and for all that outside voices are the real up-and-coming stars. In many ways, it wasn’t A-list celebrities who deserved a standing ovation yesterday, but representation itself.” At press time, the bumbling oafs continued to degrade their profession by declaring that, in many ways, America was the true Oscar darling.
Hungover Guillermo Del Toro Panics After Realizing He Promised To Write New Movie For Everyone At Oscars After-Party #~# LOS ANGELES—Growing increasingly nauseous while reading dozens of text messages and email follow-ups, a hungover Guillermo Del Toro reportedly panicked Monday after realizing he promised to write new movies for everyone he spoke to at the Oscars after-party. “Oh god, my fucking head—I can’t believe I agreed to make that intergalactic murder mystery I talked about with Sandra Bullock last night,” said the Academy Award-winning director of The Shape of Water, who rubbed his temples and muttered, “What the hell did I do?” after receiving a message confirming a 10 a.m. coffee meeting with Ryan Seacrest. “I was so hammered, but I can vaguely recall promising to create three different Robert Redford biopics. Jesus, the last thing I remember was doing a round of shots and then insisting on directing and writing a reboot of The Watchmen for that one really nice bathroom attendant.” At press time, Del Toro announced that he better start writing after vomiting for several minutes into a nearby wastebasket.
Health Insurance CEO Reveals Key To Company’s Success Is Not Paying For Customers’ Medical Care #~# HARTFORD, CT—During a panel presentation about his company’s recent 76 percent quarterly profit spike, Aetna CEO Mark Bertolini disclosed Monday that the key to increasing earnings in an era of ballooning costs continues to hinge on not paying for customers’ medical care. “The secret to running a thriving multi-billion-dollar company like Aetna is in the cultivation of a loyal consumer base whose medical needs you rarely, if ever, pay for,” said Bertolini, who went on to advise young entrepreneurs to first build financial reserves through a business model in which subscribers spend an exorbitant amount each month for prescriptions, doctor visits, and surgical procedures, and then preserve their capital by exercising all due diligence and consistency by never paying for expensive, profit-deflating exigencies such as prescriptions, doctor visits, and surgical procedures. “If you want broad profit margins in today’s constricted marketplace, all you need to do is find a market which you can offer absolutely nothing while taking all of your customers’ money. That describes today’s modern health insurance market to an uncanny degree—In 2017, our largest customer-facing expense was advertising.” At press time, Aetna’s stock value rose by 6 percent as the company announced a premium hike.
Unclear If Shirtless Man In Black-And-White Film Once Considered Attractive #~# NASHVILLE—Confused as to how they should react to his physical appearance, sources reported Monday that it was unclear if the actor Ramon Novarro, who appears shirtless multiple times in the 1931 drama Daybreak, was once considered attractive. “I guess he’s decently tall, and he’s certainly not overweight, but a smoldering object of desire? That’s a tough sell for someone who wears his pants up to his ribcage,” said Katie Lubeck, 26, noting that although the heroine didn’t seem to mind, Novarro’s wispy pencil moustache didn’t exactly scream “hunk.” “I’m also not sure if I’m supposed to laugh at some of these scenes or if they’re supposed to be heartening. And what’s with Novarro’s long pauses after every line? Is that supposed to make him intense? Is that how courtship actually worked back then?” Upon learning that Novarro was eventually murdered by a pair of teenaged brothers working as prostitutes, Lubeck admitted that was “actually kind of hot.”
Moon To Get Mobile Network By 2019  #~# Vodafone and Audi are collaborating to create the first lunar mobile network by 2019 in support of a subsequent private mission to the moon. What do you think?
Woman Decides Period Over #~# LIBERTY HILL, TX—Making the call five and a half days into her normal cycle, local woman Erica Lauzon, 26, reportedly decided Monday that her period was over. “Yep, that’ll do it. I haven’t really checked, but it feels like we’re about done here,” said Lauzon, who took the lone tampon out of her purse and put it back in the box, figuring she wouldn’t need it. “It had its chance. I need to move on and resume business as usual.” At press time, Lauzon realized she had made a massive mistake.
Episode 5, Part 1: Did My Police Department Miss Something? #~# In the first part of an extra-long and incredibly poignant episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David returns to the Bluff Springs Police Department to search the evidence locker in hopes of finding the long-lost key to Hayley Price’s Murder.
Cape Town Could Run Out Of Water As Early As July #~# Despite stringent rationing of water, city officials say Cape Town could run completely dry as soon as July, which would make it the first major city in the world to do so. What do you think?
Pope Francis Finds Self In Hell After Taking Wrong Turn In Vatican Catacombs #~# OUTER DARKNESS, HELL—Becoming disoriented by the sight of a shrieking, many-headed snake emerging in agony from a nearby lava pit, Pope Francis reportedly found himself in the depths of Hell Friday after taking a wrong turn in the nigh-endless catacombs beneath the Vatican. “Ah, crap, not again,” said the Pope, cursing his phone’s lack of service and wondering if he should have turned left at the Holy See’s acre-wide pile of Nazi gold. “It always takes me forever to find my way back, even if I can find a demon willing to give me non-allegorical directions. I guess since I’m already down here I’ll check out this Lake of Fire that [former Pope] Benedict says is a must-see, but still, what a way to spend a weekend.” The Pontiff admitted, however, that his infernal excursion was better than the time he got lost in the Vatican’s parking garage, wound up in purgatory, and spent all day listening to the crying of unbaptized babies.
Academy Honors Retiring Daniel Day-Lewis With Small Farewell Happy Hour In Dolby Theatre Kitchen #~# LOS ANGELES—Honoring the esteemed actor’s many decades in the film industry with drinks and light appetizers, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences reportedly held a small farewell gathering in the Dolby Theatre kitchen Friday to celebrate the retirement of Daniel Day-Lewis. “I started working with Daniel about 25 years ago—man, that makes me feel old!” said director Martin Scorsese, causing partygoers—including Helena Bonham Carter, Paul Thomas Anderson, and a costume designer from 1996’s The Crucible—to chuckle as they snacked on chips and salsa, a platter of veggies with ranch dip, and Domino’s pizza provided by the Academy. “Back in those early days, I don’t think he had any idea what he was getting himself into. But my God, look at him now. How things have changed. I’m sure I speak for a lot of people here when I say, Danny boy, we’re gonna miss you, buddy!” Attendees confirmed a smiling Day-Lewis helped distribute slices from a sheet cake that read “Happy Retirement, Dan!” and shared his personal email with those present, encouraging everyone to stay in touch.
23AndMe Forensic Kit Informs Customer What Crimes He’s Committed #~# FRESNO, CA—Marveling at how a tiny bit of DNA could provide so much information about a person, local man Travis Fleming told sources Friday that he had recently learned what crimes he committed thanks to the 23AndMe forensic kit. “I spit into the vial they provided, shipped it off to the 23AndMe forensic lab, and then six weeks later I received the results outlining my exact culpability in all sorts of illegal acts,” said Fleming, scrolling through the online genetic report linking him to burglaries, kidnappings, and homicides. “It’s so cool to see my entire criminal history laid out so clearly. The test was able to pinpoint the exact locations of where I committed arson, plus it told me the likelihood that I’ll strike again in the future. I found out I’m at a higher risk of carrying out an assault with intent to cause bodily harm than the general population, so I’ll have to watch out for that as I get older.” Fleming, who already knew a lot of the information contained in the report, was astonished to learn that he was 1 percent responsible for the Mỹ Lai Massacre.
Report: We Don’t Make Any Money If You Don’t Click The Fucking Link #~# CHICAGO—Informing readers that it was one of the sole means for a digital publication to generate revenue, a report released Thursday indicated that The Onion doesn’t make any money if you don’t click the fucking link. “According to our findings, The Onion doesn’t receive a single goddamn cent unless you dipshits out there on social media move your cursor over to the link and visit the goddamn website,” the report read in part, explaining that “liking” or commenting on a post contributes jackshit to our bottom line and, indeed, has zero impact on the web traffic analytics that help our publication sell the advertisements that allow it to continue operating. “If you enjoy any of this content, any of it at all, it is highly recommended that you take one measly second out of your life to actually navigate to any of our many, many articles that grace your social media feed for free. Or, hell, you could even look at our homepage once in a while. Because unless you actually visit the website, there eventually won’t be one, you ungrateful pricks.” At press time, sources added that, in all likelihood, you had merely enjoyed seeing this headline on Facebook or Twitter and probably weren’t even reading this fucking article.
Americans Trust Mueller More Than Trump #~# A recent poll found that 58 percent of Americans have a lot or some trust in Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation of Russian meddling, a similar number to those who do not trust President Trump’s denials on the matter. What do you think?
Man Passes Away Surrounded By Knife-Wielding Loved Ones #~# BETHESDA, MD—Following a long and excruciatingly painful battle, local husband and father of three Bryan Dunn, 43, reportedly passed away Thursday surrounded by many of his closest knife-wielding loved ones. “It was hard to see Bryan go, but you could tell how much it meant to have all of his friends and family around for his final hours, inching closer and closer with our freshly sharpened blades,” said Dunn’s sister, Elizabeth Jones, who described how comforting it was to look in her sibling’s eyes as he drew his ultimate breaths while trying in vain to stop her from stabbing his abdomen. “He fought so hard right until the very last moment. In a way, I feel a sense of relief, since by the end he barely even looked like himself, especially once [his wife] Alison got done with the bolo knife.” Jones added that she also took some solace in knowing that her brother was now in several better places.
Frothing Alex Jones Claims Sexual Harassment Part Of Worldwide Imbalance In Gender Power Dynamics #~# AUSTIN, TX—In the wake of allegations of sexual misconduct by two former employees at his site, InfoWars, a frothing, red-faced Alex Jones repeatedly claimed that sexual harassment was part of a worldwide imbalance in gender power dynamics. “Sexual harassment is just one aspect of a larger system, extending to every corner of the globe, that relies on perpetuating the patriarchal belief that women are inferior to men and encourages men to think they can and should dominate women both physically and psychologically,” said a sputtering, hysterical Jones in a 76-minute rant posted on YouTube, during which the 44-year-old ripped off his shirt and scrawled #YESALLWOMEN across his bare chest in red permanent marker and read from a tattered copy of Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique while telling viewers that “the truth is all in here.” “The historical oppression of women is woven into the history, into the very culture of every government and institution in the world, folks—that’s how deep this thing goes. Feminists merely want you to believe the vast amount of empirical evidence demonstrating that sexual harassment is nothing more than the most overt physical manifestation of toxic masculinity in our profoundly unequal society! That’s what they don’t want you to know!” At press time, YouTube announced that the rant was Jones’ third violation of its community guidelines and permanently banned him from the site.
The Onion’s 2018 Oscar Picks #~# The 90th Academy Awards have continued the trend of offering a more diverse slate of nominees, while organizers will seek to avoid a debacle like last year, when the Best Picture trophy was initially awarded to La La Land instead of Moonlight. Here are The Onion’s selections for this year’s winners.
Dollar Tree To Stop Selling Assault Weapons #~# CHESAPEAKE, VA—In response to the deadly shooting at a Parkland, FL high school earlier this month, Dollar Tree officials announced Thursday that the discount variety store will no longer sell assault weapons. “Under no circumstances should a teenager be able to walk into a Dollar Tree, purchase a Basic Brands ValuPak aluminum foil rifle for one dollar, and shoot up a school with it,” said CEO Gary Philbin, adding that other items to be removed effective immediately from shelves in all 13,600 locations include Good Sense clear plastic bump stocks, RitePrice high-capacity magazines, and the entire Essential Products line of disposable flash suppressors. “We are determined to provide customers with the best value around, but in light of this terrible tragedy, we cannot in good conscience continue to offer deals like Home Bargain’s three-for-one semi-automatic shotgun bundle or our 6.8 mm Remington SPC bargain bins.” While military-style rifles will no longer be available from Dollar Tree, Philbin reassured customers the store will, of course, continue to offer a wide selection of discount handguns after enforcing a 21-and-over age restriction.
Pizza Hut Replaces Papa John’s As Official Pizza Of NFL #~# The NFL announced Wednesday that Pizza Hut would become its official pizza after parting ways with Papa John’s over criticism of protesting players. What do you think?
Beer Aisle Scanned For Something Asshole Friend Won’t Mock #~# JOHNSTOWN, OH—Anxiously searching through the variety of brands on display for an acceptable offering, local man Nate Walsh reportedly scanned the beer aisle of his neighborhood Kroger Thursday for something his asshole friend wouldn’t mock. “I never heard the end of it when I showed up to Dave’s New Year’s Eve party with a case of Heineken, so I’m definitely not going to make that mistake again,” said Walsh, examining and ultimately rejecting a 12-pack of Fat Tire after imagining the ridicule he’d face for choosing such a pedestrian amber ale. “I know if I bring, say, Blue Moon, Dave will make fun of me for getting something so mass-produced, but if I go with some obscure Belgian-style saison, I’ll get totally roasted for trying too hard. I might be safe with an IPA from a local craft brewery, but honestly, if it doesn’t have a good flavor profile, that prick is going to rip me to shreds regardless.” At press time, a panicking Walsh was headed for the checkout after just grabbing the first bottle of wine he could find.
Apple Unveils Single Colossal iPhone All Americans Can Use At Once #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the device as its most user-friendly and immersive to date, Apple unveiled the new iPhone X Continental at an event on their campus Thursday, marking the debut of the first smartphone colossal enough for all Americans to use at once. “Boasting a screen size of 1,400 by 2,875 miles and a resolution of 1.88x109 by 4.47x109, the new iPhone X Continental is large enough for every American to get their multitasking needs done simultaneously,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said at a press conference, noting that while the iPhone X Continental’s state-of-the-art OLED coast-to-coast Retina display can support the use of over 2.6 billion apps at the same time, the device still boasts a 13-hour battery life, is capable of wireless charging, and does away with the headphone jack in favor of a more streamlined Bluetooth experience. “With a patented, secure TrueDepth sensor system programmed to recognize all 324 million Americans’ Face IDs to an 800 billion–pixel camera capable of taking crisp panoramic close-ups of the Rocky mountains, the iPhone X Continental sets a new benchmark for landmass-spanning personal devices. Its 256 terabytes of storage are enough for all Americans’ photos and videos, and the iOS 12 operating system lets users access news and messages with a simple, intuitive 800-mile swipe of the screen. We’re confident all of our customers will love using it together.” At press time, Apple had initiated a recall of the iPhone after its screen shattered into more than 13 million pieces, killing 400.
PornHub Expands Parental Controls For User Accounts #~# MONTREAL, CANADA—In response to an outpouring of feedback from concerned families, pornographic website PornHub announced new parental controls Thursday to help users manage which hardcore, amateur, and fetish content their children see. “We understand that not all families share the same ideas about which filthy smut is age-appropriate, so we wanted to provide the option to restrict certain gang-fuck videos, gaping anus photos, and looping moneyshot gifs that your little ones may not be ready for just yet,” said Vice President of Operations Corey Price, who stressed the new controls would let users password-protect specific acts that may disturb children, such as hot MILF bukkake, while still allowing full access to the site’s more traditional cumpilations. “Not to say that kids shouldn’t be able to explore the site with their parents’ permission, but we’ve gotten enough angry emails about a child seeing a BBC or an explosive creampie that we had to do something.” Price noted that while it’s important to set limits on children’s sticky-screen time, the best way for parents to monitor what their kids are watching is to view it together.
English Teacher Already Armed With Deadly Weapon Called Shakespeare #~# CHAMBERSBURG, PA—As the national debate surrounding school shootings continues with President Trump recently suggesting educators carry guns in the classroom, high school English teacher Mary Bacher told reporters Thursday that she was already armed with a deadly weapon called Shakespeare. “There’s nothing more lethal than the razor-sharp wit of the great Bard of Avon,” said Bacher, noting that when it comes to defense, she is “locked and loaded” with the devastating free verse found in the 37 plays and 154 sonnets of the late 16th century English playwright and poet. “His works have brought the great to their knees, and even the most heavily armored of hearts cannot withstand the penetrating insight and incandescent passion of his mellifluous sonnets. To wield the power of one of the greatest minds in history, I don’t need a concealed carry license—just access to his arsenal of high-caliber words.” Bacher confirmed that if she were in an active shooter situation, she would merely quote Henry V’s “St. Crispin’s Day” speech aloud to her students to give them courage and instill confidence that the pen is truly mightier than the sword.
UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Has Finally Confirmed There Were No Survivors In The Challenger Disaster #~# Since its founding in 1756, The Onion has been the gold standard for journalistic integrity, never hesitating to grab truth by the collar, hold it up to a bright, blinding light, and demand answers. While lesser publications debase themselves by chasing after web traffic and social media attention, we maintain our ethical dominance of the industry by sparing no expense to ensure the words in these pages are 100 percent accurate. It was in this same spirit of moral supremacy that we began, 32 years ago, an extensive investigation into the space shuttle Challenger disaster.
Report: It Would Probably Be Nice Having Friends #~# RIVER FOREST, IL—Proposing that it might be kind of fun to share their life experiences with another person or persons, sources speculated Thursday that it would probably be nice having friends. “Gosh, it would probably be pretty cool to have a few select people in your life to do stuff with on a regular basis,” said the sources, stressing that while they had no personal experience with the concept of mutual affection, their observation of thousands of other people interacting in small groups, talking and occasionally laughing, made friendship seem as if it could be really great. “I bet it would be a blast to just eat food with a few coworkers, fellow students from school, or even just like-minded people from wherever. Just good friends hanging out and enjoying each other’s company. That would probably be nice.” At press time, sources were also speculating that perhaps some people were just meant to be alone.
Anti-Semitic Incidents Rise 57% In 2017 #~# After a significant decrease in recent years, an Anti-Defamation Society report found that hate crimes against Jewish Americans increased from 1,267 to 1,986 in 2017, the largest single-year rise since the ADL began taking records in 1979. What do you think?
How To Build An App #~# STEP 1: Find a simple thing to make more complicated.
How To Protect Your Data From Hackers #~# As you go about your day, try to generate as little data as possible.
Couple Stressing About Wedding Plans As If It Won’t Just Take A String Of Edison Bulbs To Knock Guests’ Fucking Socks Off #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Naively scrutinizing every detail of their big night in a misguided attempt to make it perfect, local couple Ashley Miller and Bradley Schwartz reportedly stressed themselves out over their wedding plans Monday as if it won’t take a single string of Edison bulbs to knock their guests’ fucking socks off. “These guys keep freaking out about the guest list and wedding cake like any of that will matter once their friends and family gaze upon these Edisons and have their goddamn minds blown straight out of their skulls,” said wedding planner Martha Lindberg, noting that over the course of her career, she has hung thousands of the replica light bulbs and never once failed to see wedding guests practically shit themselves on cue upon seeing their vintage yellowish-orange hue and exposed filaments. “Listen, this isn’t my first rodeo stringing these bad boys up. So I wish Ashley and Brad would just relax a little about their floral arrangements and choice of photographer. Because once these babies start radiating their warm, retro-style glow, the only worry their aunts and grandmothers will have is how they’re going to pick up their fucking jaws off the floor.” At press time, sources confirmed that the couple had moved on to fretting about the order of their wedding playlist, as if anyone will give half a shit once Earth, Wind & Fire’s “September” starts blasting on the dance floor.
Cofounder of Burning Man Dead At 70 #~# Larry Harvey, the guru-like cofounder of Burning Man, has died at the age of 70, leaving behind an anti-establishment legacy embodied in the festival’s spirit. What do you think?
LeBron James Credits Teammates With Providing 4 Bodies Necessary To Avoid Forfeiture Against Pacers #~# CLEVELAND—Generously admitting that he most likely would not have been able to beat the gritty, defensive-minded Pacers all by himself, Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James credited his teammates during the post-game press conference Sunday with providing the necessary bodies to avoid forfeiting Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals. “I really have to hand it to my guys for showing up at the arena and preventing an automatic loss with our season on the line,” said James, praising his teammates’ promptness and stressing that they were equipped to compete with warm-up sweats, jerseys, and sneakers. “We won this game today as a unit, as defined by Association regulations. I’m only one man, and whether you like it or not, that’s just not enough to field a team. Basketball really is a team sport, and you must have four other players on the court at all times.” James, visibly exhausted after averaging 41.8 points in Cavaliers’ wins during the series, also admitted that Cleveland would’ve swept Indiana if NBA rules had not mandated the presence of four superfluous players.
Nutritionists Reveal Humans With Proper Diet Should Not Be Defecating #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Warning that it is one of the most visible symptoms of serious malnutrition, dietary scientists at Stanford University revealed Monday that humans who consume a proper diet should not be defecating. “In humans who correctly manage their dietary intake, 100 percent of food consumed is absorbed by the body, with any defecation whatsoever being a sign that the diet must be reassessed,” said research leader Angela Nagle, explaining that bodily waste is evidence of an inefficient and improperly functioning digestive system expelling harmful substances and also noting that healthy human beings should not be urinating. “A well-fed body should not be producing any feces or urine whatsoever. As nutrition professionals, most of us have not defecated for 30-40 years, as our bodies convert everything into energy as intended by nature. In fact, if you have defecated at any time in the last week at any time in the last week, you should schedule an appointment with a doctor immediately.” Nagle added that anyone who becomes aware of a defecating infant should immediately report the baby’s parents to child protective services.
Polka Fan On A Real Harold Loeffelmacher Kick Lately #~# NEKOOSA, WI—Confessing that he just couldn’t get enough of the trombone-playing musician, local polka fan Tim Hahn told reporters Monday that he had been on a real Harold Loeffelmacher kick as of late. “I’ll admit it: I’ve been going straight-out nuts for Loeffelmacher recently,” said Hahn, noting that his “Loeff Kick” had started after attending a tribute concert for the bandleader last month in nearby Plovis before spiraling into an all-out binge of Loeffelmacher classics like “Pennsylvania Polka,” “Hupie Shoepie Polka,” and “Im Himmel Gibts Kein Bier.” “What can I say? Sometimes, I just get an itch that nothing but Loeffelmacher and the Six Fat Dutchmen can scratch.” Hahn added that the only thing that could bring his Loeffelmacher tear to an end was if he played his vinyl copy of “Schnitzelbank” so often that it wore out. 
New Poll Finds Death Of Spouse Most Liberating Experience In Life #~# COLLEGE STATION, TX—According to a new poll released Monday by researchers at Texas A&M University, the death of a spouse is often the most liberating and personally fulfilling event of one’s life. “Despite the common notion that a loved one’s passing is a heartbreaking or debilitating experience, we found the opposite—that it releases within the surviving partner a long-lasting bliss where the possibilities for growth are limited only by one’s own imagination,” said sociologist Dr. Rhea Jepsen, adding that the feelings of joy increased exponentially according to the number of years a person was married. “Moreover, 82 percent of respondents said they felt a wave of relief upon hearing the sound of their spouse’s EKG flatline, 93 percent said they immediately enrolled in classes or booked trips they could have never taken with an ailing partner, and a full 42 percent admitted to dancing out of the hospital, buoyed by a newfound sense of optimism.” Jepsen added that the most euphoric feelings were reserved for people who killed their husbands or wives themselves.
Amazon To Now Deliver Packages Into Car Trunks #~# Amazon announced a new service that gives its couriers access to a person’s vehicle to leave package deliveries by using the connected technologies embedded in many modern vehicles. What do you think?
Don Mattingly Yelling At Marlins For Leaving Dome Open With AC On #~# MIAMI—Unleashing a furious tirade after finding the roof retracted for the third time this month, Miami Marlins manager Don Mattingly admonished his players Monday for leaving the dome open with the stadium’s air conditioning running. “Come on, guys, this is just wasteful. I’ve told you a hundred times, either leave the dome closed or turn off the AC,” said Mattingly, who angrily led the team over to the temperature and dome retraction controls, pointing out that they were right by the locker room and adding that there was “no damn excuse” for acting so irresponsibly. “Every time you do this, it costs the team $150,000—that money is going right out of the dome. We aren’t paying to cool down the entire city, okay guys? And if I catch one more person trying to lower the temperature past 72, I’m taking the next electric bill out of their paycheck.” At press time, Mattingly was asking the team why the entire stadium’s lights were on even though they were only using the weight room.
Pilot Shudders To Imagine Why Passengers Taking Red-Eye To Atlantic City #~# DENVER—Watching with a mixture of bewilderment and pity as a small group of solitary travelers quietly boarded his plane at 11:15 p.m., United Airlines pilot Terry Elston shuddered Monday while attempting to imagine why his passengers could be taking a red-eye to Atlantic City. “Good lord, I don’t even want to know what surreal downward spiral a person’s life could take that they would need to get to Atlantic City by 4:30 in the morning,” said Elston, feeling chills running down his spine at the mere thought of circumstances either so inconvenient that a more humane time couldn’t work or so urgent that it couldn’t possibly wait until the morning. “Nobody just gets a sudden midnight urge to fly to New Jersey, so some terrible purpose is calling each of these poor slobs tonight, many of whom don’t even have carry-ons. I can’t guess what collection of fucked-up things could be going on here, but they can’t be good.” Elston further noted that as unsettling as the red-eye situation was, these passengers were most likely nowhere near as panicked and fear-soaked as the people currently boarding 1 a.m. flights departing Atlantic City.
Report: Rest Of Pottery Class Knows Each Other From Previous Pottery Class #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Observing clear signs of both pre-established friendships and more advanced ceramic-ware knowledge, area woman Shailene McFadden realized Friday that the rest of her pottery class was already acquainted with one another from at least one previous pottery class. “As soon as I walked in, I noticed that most of the class already had their own thing going on together,” said McFadden, noting that, despite the class being called “Introduction To Pottery,” her classmates were also somehow on a first-name basis with the teacher, a clear indicator that they had already been introduced to pottery. “They’re all helping each other get set up and discussing different clays and glazes, and no one is even talking to me. And they keep asking each other if they’re going to ‘the bar’ after class, so they clearly have an established spot where they all hang out together. Dammit, this is Judo For Beginners all over again.” McFadden later admitted she was considering dropping the class after being informed by a classmate that the stool she had chosen was where Brian usually sits.
Russian Lawyer Admits To Repeatedly Informing Kremlin Of Trump Campaign’s Ineptitude #~# MOSCOW—Confessing that her relationship with the Putin government was closer than previously disclosed, Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya admitted Friday to repeated and frequent communication with the Kremlin concerning the Trump campaign’s “unprecedented, colossal, and towering” ineptitude. “On numerous occasions, I notified the [Russian federal security service] FSB on matters pertaining to the Trump campaign’s breathtaking incompetence,” said Veselnitskaya, divulging that she even spoke with Putin himself, who completely agreed with her assessment of Donald Trump Jr. as an amateurish dolt capable of bungling even the most rudimentary tasks. “Moreover, I sent thousands of files relating to incidents, occasions, and events during which the Trump campaign demonstrated that its staff consisted of clueless dipshits totally oblivious to the treason they consistently committed against the United States at almost every given opportunity. I would not characterize the FSB’s reaction as one of surprise.” Veselnitskaya confirmed that she eventually broke ties with the Trump campaign, citing concerns that the bumbling jackasses in charge would fuck up everything Russia was working towards, choosing instead to concentrate her efforts on “the ruthless Machiavellian savants” of the National Rifle Association.
Police Found Golden State Killer By Tracing Owner Of ‘IAmTheGoldenStateKiller.com’ Website #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Discussing specifics of the investigation for the first time, Sacramento law enforcement officials confirmed Friday that after searching for over 40 years, they were able to pinpoint the “Golden State Killer” by tracing the owner of the “IAmTheGoldenStateKiller.com” website. “We caught a hot lead earlier this week when our Google search tool turned up a suspicious URL,” said Sacramento Police chief Daniel Hahn, adding that detectives knew they had stumbled across something big when the website’s homepage loaded a 7-Megabyte, color photo of suspect Joseph James DeAngelo accompanied by a caption indicating that he was indeed the “Golden State Killer”. “This was all public so there weren’t any legal hurdles. In fact, we didn’t really have to do any more police work besides plugging the home address listed on the site into Google Maps. Sometimes you just get lucky like that.” At press time, Chief Hahn urged the public to remain patient, as it would likely be years before the department could Google search the rest of its backlogged serial killers.
Duke, Duchess Of Cambridge Announce Name Of Third Child Is Louis Arthur Al-Baghdadi #~# LONDON—Saying the moniker was the perfect way to honor the caliph of the Islamic State, Prince William and Kate Middleton, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, announced Friday that the name of their third child was Louis Arthur al-Baghdadi. “We’ve always loved the name and felt that this was a beautiful way to pay tribute to the many contributions of the notable jihadist,” said Middleton, who noted Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s numerous achievements as the leader of the militant terrorist organization, confounding the expectations of British subjects, many of whom believed the couple would choose a more conventional aristocratic name such as Albert, James, or Alexander. “Al-Baghdadi has played a vital role in shaping Britain’s foreign policy over the past decade, and it keeps with the royal tradition of honoring those who have continued to drive change in the world. Furthermore, something about it felt like a perfect fit for our son—it rolls right off the tongue.” At press time, several reports emerged that Queen Elizabeth II was disappointed by the choice, as she favored al-Zawahiri instead.
Kim Jong-Un Thrown Into Labor Camp For Attempting To Cross Border Into South Korea #~# PYONGYANG—Following a swift capture, arrest, and trial before an official tribunal, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un was thrown into a remote labor camp for attempting to cross the border into South Korea, authorities from the totalitarian nation confirmed Friday. “Kim Jong-un is an enemy of the state and has been sentenced to 45 years of hard labor,” said a representative from the North Korean Ministry of People’s Security, adding that troops quickly apprehended the former dictator after he and several companions were spotted traveling across the line demarcating the demilitarized zone that divides the two nations in broad daylight. “As punishment for disobeying the government’s orders, Kim Jong-un will be forced to work 16 hours a day to repent for his treacherous actions against his nation. May he serve as an example to all North Koreans of the importance of loyalty to one’s country.” At press time, sources confirmed that the malnourished, tortured former leader had been executed in the camp for collapsing from exhaustion.
Bill Cosby Convicted Of Sexual Assault #~# Bill Cosby has been convicted of drugging and sexually assaulting a former Temple University employee, with the 80-year-old receiving three 10-year charges for the incident. What do you think?
Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Announces New $17 Billion Initiative To Eradicate All 3rd-World Mac Users By 2040 #~# SEATTLE—In partnership with local governments across the globe, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation announced Friday a new $17 billion initiative to eradicate all third-world Mac users by 2040. “Impoverished nations have for too long suffered the devastation wrought by Mac users, but we believe that with proper funding and support, this scourge can be eliminated within our lifetime,” said Bill Gates, lamenting that the number of Mac users in developing countries has exploded by 500% since first appearing in 1998. “No one, no matter their circumstance, should be forced to live amongst Mac users. If we work together, we can exterminate this plague and provide our children a happy, healthy future free of iOS users.” Gates added that perhaps one day, Mac users would be something children could only learn about in history books.
Timeline Of The White House Correspondents’ Dinner #~# The White House Correspondents’ Association will be holding its annual dinner on April 28, in a tradition that has happened nearly every year since 1921. The Onion presents a timeline of the biggest moments in White House Correspondents’ Dinner history.
Deceased Souls Backed Up At River Styx Ferry Crossing During Underworld Transit Strike #~# HADES—With no boatmen to take them across the dark stygian waters to the dry, sunless lands of the dead, millions of newly deceased souls were reportedly backed up on the banks of the River Styx during a transit strike by the Underworld Ferry Workers Union, sources confirmed Friday. “Yeah, I get it—Charon, Phlegyas, and the rest are expected to work 24 hours a day, seven days a week for all of eternity and have never seen their wages raise beyond one golden obol per passenger, but souls still need to journey into the afterlife, you know,” said former St. Paul, MN resident Rick Hoffman, who has not advanced in line since succumbing to congenital heart failure five weeks ago. “It’s like, I can physically see Cerberus standing on the other side. Someone needs to paddle us over there, and I don’t care if he’s organized labor or not.” Hoffman added that he hoped the strike would end soon, as he was “getting pretty creeped out” by the keening souls who, unable to pay the fare, are forced to wander the shores weeping and crying out for a hundred years.
Pence Unveils Campaign To Educate Teens About Dangers Of Premarital Eye Contact #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of providing young people with the skills they need to make good decisions as they mature into adulthood, Vice President Mike Pence held a press conference Thursday to unveil a new campaign educating teens about the dangers of premarital eye contact. “This new initiative will teach our nation’s teenagers the importance of waiting until marriage before looking their partner directly in the eyes,” said Pence, adding that the $75 million “No Peeking”—also known as “Save Your Gaze For Marriage”—campaign will help students resist the social pressure to share glances they often feel long before they’re ready to be joined for life in holy matrimony. “Thanks to the encroaching secular influence of TV, the movies, and, for all we know, the internet as well, today’s young people are constantly bombarded with images of people gazing shamelessly at each other—sometimes even making prolonged eye contact with more than one person. This program encourages them to abstain from that behavior by focusing their eyes on safe alternatives, such as the floor, the middle distance, or a bible passage of their choosing.” Pence also promised that high school students would feel far greater satisfaction by waiting until their wedding night to learn their spouse’s eye color.
Lyft Says It Will Make Every Ride Carbon Neutral #~# Ride-sharing company Lyft has pledged to fight climate change by investing millions to fund projects offsetting the carbon produced by their drivers. What do you think?
Dirty, Disheveled Scott Pruitt Confesses He Spent Last Of EPA Funding Weeks Ago #~# WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth in his chair and openly weeping, a dirty, disheveled EPA administrator Scott Pruitt confessed during testimony before the House Appropriations committee Thursday that he had spent the last of his department’s funding weeks ago. “It’s gone, all gone, every penny of it—poof, just like that,” said an unkempt Pruitt, sobbing as he revealed that he’d spent the entirety of his agency’s $5.6 billion budget in a matter of weeks before grabbing the jacket sleeve of Rep. Betty McCollum (D-MN) and begging her to forgive him for being “such a huge fuckup.” “I pissed it all away on stupid shit, all right? Ever since I spent the last $800,000 or so around the beginning of March, the EPA hasn’t had two nickels to rub together. Now, I’ve got all kinds of sub-departments breathing down my neck wondering where all the funding is, and I’ve just been pretending we’re solvent and trying to hide from everyone. I’m sorry, I just got so greedy.” Sources reported that as the hearing came to a close, an increasingly shifty Pruitt asked committee members if there was an inconspicuous side door he could exit through, since there are a lot of people looking for him.
Federal Judge Orders Trump To Accept DACA Applications #~# A federal judge ruled Tuesday that the protections of DACA must stay in place and that the government must resume accepting new applications, stressing that Trump’s decision to end the program was “virtually unexplained.” What do you think?
Tucker Carlson Unsure Why He In Middle Of 20-Minute Rant Against Croutons #~# NEW YORK—Taking a moment to reflect on how “the world’s most elitist bread” made its way into his current tirade, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson paused midway through his show Thursday and expressed confusion about why he was currently 20 minutes into an irate rant against croutons. “These overblown, liberal salad toppings represent everything that is wrong with America today—huh, what am I even talking about?” said the host of Tucker Carlson Tonight, who, after spending the better part of his broadcast warning viewers against the evils of croutons, looked straight into the camera and admitted he had no memory of shifting gears and launching into a speech about how the toasted garnish is a blatant attack on Democratic society. “I know they are an affront to this country. And I know that garlic, Parmesan, and tomato-basil flavors are everything our founding fathers would have hated and fought valiantly against. But this segment was supposed to be about conservatives being persecuted in the workplace, so the connection must be in there somewhere.” At press time, Carlson had reportedly given up attempting to retrace his steps and had instead doubled down and called for a nationwide boycott of every single crouton brand sold in American supermarkets.
Jerry Jones Hoping To Use 2018 Draft To Find Long-Term Solution At Mistress #~# DALLAS—Revealing that the Cowboys owner was looking for stability at an essential position, team sources confirmed Thursday that Jerry Jones is planning to use the 2018 NFL Draft to find a long-term solution at mistress. “This isn’t about a short-term fix. There is going to be a lot of talent at the draft, but I need to find a top-level mistress who can deliver for the next 10 years or more,” said Jones, who noted that he had personally traveled down to LSU and Florida to scout a possible paramour before deciding to use the “absolutely stacked” lineup at the NFL draft to shore up his open mistress spot. “We’ve had too much instability with my mistresses recently, and we need to be thinking about the future of the franchise. She’s going to need not only the looks and skill, but the temperament and toughness to last in this demanding role—not everyone can handle the spotlight of being a Dallas Cowboys mistress.” Jones added that if he can’t find a permanent solution at the draft, he might opt for a three-woman mistress-by-committee approach.
Publicist Worried Kanye West’s Support Of Trump Will Damage His Carefully Crafted Public Image As A Manic Self-Absorbed Lunatic #~# LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern over the fallout from several controversial tweets praising the president, Kanye West’s publicist was reportedly worried Thursday that the rapper’s support of Donald Trump would damage his carefully crafted public image as a manic, self-absorbed lunatic. “Christ, we’ve worked so hard to maintain this image of Kanye as an incredibly vain, impulsive madman, and now he’s gone and ruined it all,” said stressed-out publicist Tracy Nguyen Romulus, explaining that she was in the middle of a massive damage control campaign to counter the effects that West’s statements had on fans who had always seen the hip-hop star as paranoid, egotistical, and delusional. “I’m concerned that when people think of Kanye now, they’ll associate him with these tweets, and not as being a batshit narcissist who will say absolutely anything for attention. Not to mention Kanye went and linked himself to our deeply unpopular president, destroying the illusion that he’s really just a deranged egomaniac absolutely obsessed with fame and power, and someone who already voiced support for Trump in the past. I don’t know what we’re going to do.” The publicist was also worried that a number of Kanye’s tweets about thought police and his inability to be managed would confuse and even alienate a public who knew the rapper to be straightforward, clear, and modest.
Bears GM Wavering Between Drafting Good Player Or Bad Player #~# CHICAGO—Admitting that he was torn over which one would be the best fit for the roster, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace told reporters Thursday that he was wavering between drafting a good player or a bad player. “It’s a real toss-up because on one hand, you have a guy with tremendous instincts and athleticism, but on the other, you have an inconsistent, injury-prone question mark from a third-rate program. How do you make that choice?” said Pace, adding that it was almost impossible to weigh the advantages of drafting a perennial Pro Bowler to build the team around against the potential upside of a guaranteed bust. “The whole staff has been going back and forth between grabbing a prospect who’s good at football or drafting the one who can’t play for shit. One has world-class speed, the other is slow. One is a natural leader, the other is a known locker-room cancer. These are the tough decisions that keep you up at night as a GM.” At press time, Pace was considering a third option of getting fleeced with a draft-day trade.
Experts Warn Beef Could Act As Gateway Meat To Human Flesh #~# BETHESDA, MD—In an alarming new study that sheds light on the hidden dangers of the popular protein, the National Institutes of Health warned Thursday that beef may serve as a gateway meat that eventually leads those who eat it to try human flesh.
Nation’s Baby Boomers Hold Press Conference To Announce They All Have Diseases Now #~# BOCA RATON, FL—Struggling to deliver the remarks in between violent coughing fits, the nation’s baby boomers held a press conference Thursday to announce that they all have diseases now. “We felt it was important to go on record and affirm that each and every one of us is stricken with an illness now,” said 72-year-old Milton Kofax, hunching over his podium as he explained that while some boomers were sicker than others, the millions of Americans of his generation were all, to a person, in poor health. “While certain symptoms may come and go, the fact that we are afflicted with a variety of ailments will be the one and only constant in our lives from this point forward. Even those of us who seem fit and hardy on the surface are actually suffering from dementia or are simply unaware for the moment of the tumors growing inside them.” Kofax added that he could not say when all baby boomers would be dead, though he acknowledged he was asked that question frequently.
National Debt To Rise To $29 Trillion By 2020 #~# On the heels of the recent $1.3 trillion spending bill passed by Congress, the CBO released a new 10-year forecast showing the national debt ballooning to $29 trillion by the end of the decade. What do you think?
Trump Boys Beg Father To Nominate G.I. Joe Action Figure Cobra Commander For VA Secretary #~# WASHINGTON—Trying to help out by offering an alternative choice amid controversy over current pick Ronny Jackson, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump pleaded with their father to nominate the G.I. Joe action figure Cobra Commander for secretary of veterans affairs. “He’s a good, strong leader just like you, Dad, and he’s got a laser pistol in case he needs to shoot some sense into your enemies at the Apartment of Veteran Fairs [sic],” said Eric Trump, adding that if Cobra’s friend Destro were brought on as an aide, he could help out by using missiles to blow up any undesirable policies they might encounter. “Please make Cobra Commander in charge—he’ll be the bestest, powerfullest VA secretary of all time! We promise he won’t leak nothing! Please? Please, Dad?” Reports confirmed the brothers went on to stress that President Trump should take action quickly before Duke and his buddy Rip Cord team up with U.S. Special Counsel Robert Mueller.
‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ To Return With Season 2 Today #~# Emmy-winning drama The Handmaid’s Tale returns to Hulu for a second season today, charting a fictional descent into dystopian sexism in the wake of the real-world #MeToo movement and rise of authoritarianism. What do you think?
Trump Suffering Horrible Indigestion After Eating Fresh, Well-Prepared State Dinner Meal #~# WASHINGTON—Experiencing searing abdominal pain brought on by the healthy fare, President Trump reportedly suffered horrible indigestion Wednesday, the morning after he ate a fresh, well-prepared meal at his first state dinner. “Ugh, my God—why the hell did I eat all that garbage last night?” said the wincing, sweating president, remembering the perfectly cooked rack of spring lamb, fresh vegetables from the White House garden, and other nutritious items that had not been deep-fried, smothered in gravy or cheese, or processed in any way. “That was a huge mistake. What was I thinking? Aw, Christ, I think I’m gonna be sick.” At press time, sources confirmed Trump’s stomach had settled and he was feeling better after eating a light lunch of two Big Macs, two Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, and a large chocolate shake.
Tom Brady Reveals That Humanity Will Perish Long Before He Retires #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring fans and reporters that his football career was far from over, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady revealed Wednesday that humanity would perish long before he retires. “You can’t take anything for granted in the NFL, but I’m taking care of my body, and I plan to keep playing football for at least a few more years after all human civilization lies in ruins,” said Brady, adding that New England fans can expect him to appear on the field every Sunday until long after all traces of mankind’s accomplishments have faded to dust. “Football is my life, and I’ve been eating clean to make sure I can play at the highest level well into the next geologic era. I know I’m 40 years old, and people are talking about my successor, but I promise that your cities will be overgrown graveyards for countless millennia before I hang up my cleats.” Brady did admit that he was concerned about his throwing shoulder holding up against the pressure of the universe’s eventual heat death.
Report: Mothers Not Paying Attention To 80% Of Cool Things Nation’s Boys Do #~# CLIFTON, NJ—Revealing that by the time most American mothers notice their sons’ activities it is already too late, a report published Wednesday by SurveyUSA claims that the majority of maternal parents aren’t paying sufficient attention to 80 percent of the cool things the nation’s boys do. “Whether at playgrounds, swimming pools, or in the backyard, we found that moms are only seeing a small fraction of the awesome tricks, impressive stunts, and feats of dexterity their sons routinely perform,” said analyst Tim Ulrich, adding that a staggering number of roundhouse kicks, cannonball dives, one-handed catches, new dance moves that were just invented, and jumps off of high things are being missed by moms who are either turned around or focused on something else. “While this figure may seem high to those of us who are not among the nation’s boys, the actual number may be far higher, as it doesn’t include the statistically overwhelming number of mothers who heard their sons say, ‘Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Hey, Mom! Mom! Mom? Mom! Mom, check this out!’ and then pretended to look but totally didn’t.” Ulrich went on to note that despite not actually witnessing the awesome things their sons were doing, 78 percent of mothers still told them stop it.
Warden Figures Week In Solitary Ought To Teach Inmate Not To Be Schizophrenic #~# RAIFORD, FL—Saying that the disciplinary measure would make the prisoner think twice the next time, Union Correctional Institution warden Roy Connaught said Wednesday he figured a week in solitary confinement ought to teach inmate Ethan Williams not to be schizophrenic. “I reckon a stretch in the hole might show Ethan a thing or two about suffering from a severe, chronic mental disorder,” said Connaught, claiming that Williams needed 22 hours a day in a small cell isolated from all human contact to reflect on the confused thought patterns and disconnection from reality that had gotten him thrown in there. “I tell you what—after only a few hours, he’s going to wish he never had the combination of genetic and environmental factors that produced abnormalities in his brain chemistry resulting in an untreated pathology. If he hasn’t learned his lesson and gone into remission by the end of next week, I’ll just keep him in there until he does.” At press time, Williams had been moved to the prison infirmary after battering himself into unconsciousness by striking his head repeatedly against the cell wall.
Report: Christ, Someone Actually Brought Their Kid To This #~# SAN DIEGO—Aghast at what apparently passes for parental supervision these days, theatergoing sources reported Wednesday that, oh, Jesus Christ, someone actually brought their kid to this thing. “Great. Now there’s some…some child making all this noise and running around, and I have no idea when or even if I’m supposed to be singing along,” said audience member Ted Bradshaw, cursing the luck that had him pay $79 for a ticket only to have an excitable toddler seated directly in front of him. “Some of this material isn’t really appropriate for kids either, like when the pups must rescue Cap’n Turbot from a dark cave all by themselves. How is that a good lesson to be promoting?” Bradshaw then chugged the rest of his apple juice and resolved to make the best of it.
Last Person Born In 19th Century Dies #~# Nabi Tajima has passed away in Araki, Japan at the age of 117. Born on April 4, 1900, she was the last known person to be born in the 19th Century (which technically ended on January 1, 1901). What do you think?
Naked Eric Trump Runs Through State Dinner Pursued By Screaming Au Pair #~# WASHINGTON—Zigzagging through the State Dining Room in an effort to avoid bath time, a naked Eric Trump ran through his father’s first state dinner Tuesday pursued by a screaming au pair, White House guests have confirmed. The official ceremony to honor visiting French president Emmanuel Macron was reportedly interrupted midway through the main course when the commander in chief’s second-born son, who was entirely nude and covered in soap bubbles, burst through the double doors, immediately followed by a visibly flustered 17-year-old domestic servant who yelled at him to get back in the tub. Multiple eyewitnesses told reporters that when the young Trump crawled between the legs of Sen. Bill Cassidy (R-LA) and hid underneath the table, the au pair ordered her charge to come out and threatened to revoke his television privileges for the night if he didn’t. The childcare worker reportedly came close to catching Eric after he charged out from the other side of the table, shattering a piece of rare china and causing a butler to spill wine all over Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, but the 34-year-old boy managed to escape and hide behind a Washington National Opera singer who was there to provide after-dinner entertainment. At press time, sources said the president had told the au pair it was okay and was allowing Eric to sit on his lap while he spoon-fed him the nectarine tart they were having for dessert.
Sean Hannity Linked To Shell Corporation That Spent $90 Million On Properties #~# Fox News commentator Sean Hannity has been linked to a web of shell companies that used millions in HUD assistance to buy more than 870 homes—a relationship that Hannity never disclosed despite HUD Director Ben Carson’s recent appearance on his show. What do you think?
Emmanuel Macron Amused By Little Differences In French, American Islamophobia #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that he found the discrepancies “delightful” and “nothing to be embarrassed about,” Emmanuel Macron admitted during a chat with American leaders Tuesday that he was charmed by the little differences between Islamophobia in France and the United States. “In a broad sense, our cultures both share a similar passion for the stigmatization and exclusion of Muslims, but there are definitely a few subtle distinctions,” said the 40-year-old French president, noting that geography, history, and religion have likely all played roles in weaving the rich tapestry of anti-Muslim sentiment unique to each nation. “In France, we’ve probably done a slightly better job of normalizing Islamophobia in our mainstream political discourse—I don’t mean to be rude, because of course, we still both treat them like terrorists. However, our hateful rhetoric tends to flow off the tongue a little easier, whereas Americans tend to be a bit more crass in the way they explicitly despise every member of the faith.” At press time, reports confirmed Macron was observed stifling a giggle as National Security Adviser John Bolton garishly threatened to bomb Iran during hors d’oeuvres.
Nation’s Drunk Strangers Announce Plans To Agree With Anything One Another Says #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Shouting to make themselves heard over the blasting music and the other bellowing drunks, the nation’s 12.6 million intoxicated strangers announced plans to agree definitively and completely with anything one another said, inebriated sources repeatedly confirmed Tuesday. “Fuck yeah, dude, you’re totally right, and I’m going to keep nodding and pointing at you and yelling ‘Yes!’ over and over again even if I spill my drink when I make the pointing motion because what you’re saying, what you’re saying, is dead-bang-on the fucking money,” said beaming drunk man Kevin Clay, peppering his statement with passionate interjections of, “This guy!” and, “Preach, brother!” “Holy shit, you get it! It’s too bad more people don’t think like you!” The nation’s drunk strangers have reportedly ignored requests for clarification as the group has since begun angrily disagreeing with one other and loudly challenging one another to take this outside.
How FBI Investigations Work #~# The high-profile investigations by Special Counsel Robert Mueller and FBI officials into members of the Trump administration has put federal law enforcement in the spotlight. The Onion presents a guide to how FBI investigations work.
It’s Shameful That We Continue To Pay College Athletes Nothing While The Whistle Industry Reaps Massive Profits From Their Labor #~# Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been obsessed with college sports. Over the years, I’ve bonded with my buddies as we watched last-second comebacks and heart-wrenching defeats, cheering on our favorite teams. These days, though I remain a diehard North Carolina Tar Heels fan, I’ve reached a point where I can no longer ignore the way players are exploited. The refusal to pay NCAA athletes while the whistle industry reaps massive profits from their labor is an absolute disgrace. 
Swaziland Changes Name To eSwatini #~# King Mswati III has changed the name of Swaziland to the Kingdom of eSwatini, meaning “place of the Swazi” in the Swazi language. What do you think?
Kobe Bryant Hits Editing Bay To Train In Defense Of This Year’s Oscar Win #~# LOS ANGELES—Dedicating himself to improving his skills every day in search of a repeat victory in the Best Animated Short category, Kobe Bryant reportedly hit the video editing bay Tuesday to work on defending his Academy Award win for Dear Basketball. “I’m trying to stay on top of my game, so I start every day at 6 a.m. and just lock myself in the film room,” said Bryant, explaining that getting older has forced him to rely less on driving all-day shoots and more on perfect cuts and precise transitions. “A lot of guys think winning an Oscar is all about directing and flashy shots, but spending hours studying tape in the editing bay is just as important—that’s how you contend for a trophy year after year. Some people are satisfied winning once, but I won’t be satisfied until I’ve won five or six more Academy Awards.” At press time, Bryant was threatening to move to another production studio if ownership didn’t meet his demands for a new assistant director.
Schumer Introduces Measure To Decriminalize Marijuana #~# Chuck Schumer introduced legislation Friday to decriminalize marijuana, the first time that any party leader in Congress has endorsed rolling back such drug laws. What do you think?
Stressed-Out Sean Hannity Buys 12 Little Cabins In Maine To Get Away From It All #~# BAR HARBOR, ME—Explaining that he really needed to escape from the increased public scrutiny into his personal and professional life, stressed-out Fox News host Sean Hannity reportedly bought 12 little cabins in rural Maine over the weekend to get away from it all. “I was getting really burnt out with work stuff and trying to deal with that whole Michael Cohen thing, so I decided to head up to Maine for a bit and purchase a dozen quaint cottages where I can just kick back and relax,” said Hannity, adding that he was looking forward to a little peace and quiet after buying up all the properties in a 10-mile radius through a shell company and evicting all of their tenants. “I absolutely needed a little stress reliever, so I splurged on these cozy, remote cabins where I can just unwind and recharge my batteries. It’ll be nice to get out of the rat race for a while and just enjoy the great outdoors with nobody else around. Man, this is the life.” At press time, Hannity was feeling utterly serene and carefree after receiving a $6.8 million check from the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development that paid for his 12 new cabins in full.
Report: New ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Season Focuses On Dangers Of Feminism Run Amok #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—Speaking about the upcoming episodes of the Hulu series at a press event, producers of The Handmaid’s Tale announced Monday that the second season would focus on the serious dangers posed by feminism run amok. “Fans of The Handmaid’s Tale are going to be thrilled to be back in the totalitarian Republic of Gilead, this time examining how radical feminist ideals can cross a line and, frankly, ruin the lives of decent male subjugators,” said producer Sheila Hockin, revealing that the second season really represented a cautionary tale, depicting the way feminists like Offred can unfairly target and tarnish the reputation of their male overseers simply because they enslaved women and ritualistically raped them for breeding purposes. “It’s especially relevant in the #MeToo era to have sympathetic portraits of characters like Commander Fred Waterford—as we do in the season premiere—who is demonized by the Social Justice Warrior Handmaids simply because he locks women in his home as part of a repressive regime intent on brainwashing, abusing, and murdering them. It really makes you ask: Who’s the real tyrant here?” Hockin added that she hoped the new season would start a broader conversation about the systematic oppression of men by their female subordinates.
Newborn Prince Of Cambridge Begins Consolidating Power By Having Family Imprisoned In Tower Of London #~# LONDON—Ruthlessly moving to stake his claim to the British throne mere moments after his parturition this morning, the newborn Prince of Cambridge began consolidating power by having all other members of the royal family imprisoned in the Tower of London, those close to the Crown report. “In what can only be seen as an unusually audacious seizing of power, His Infant Majesty the Prince of Cambridge has systematically eliminated the entire sovereign line of succession by decreeing their bondage in durance vile,” said sources in Buckingham Palace, who detailed how the newborn prince moved to have Princess Charlotte, Prince George, and Charles the Prince of Wales taken into custody on suspicion of conspiracy against his royal person; stripped of their wealth, land, and titles; and left to rot in the bowels of the Bloody Tower. “As the prince’s—pardon us, His Majesty the King’s—scourging of the monarchy intensified, His Royal Highness has decreed in his mercy that his disgraced cousins, those princes and princesses who sought to oppose his ascension, will be allowed their lives, though their remaining years will be spent wallowing in the squalid Tower, subsisting on only gruel and what orts and leavings the ravens see fit to bring them; and, if they see their way to grace by confessing their crimes, they shall avert the torture of having their bodies stretched on the rack and excruciated with hot irons for their high treason against the Crown.” Acknowledging the popularity of the Queen among the British common folk, the as-yet unchristened king has decreed that Elizabeth II shall abide in the keep until her death, after which her head shall be set upon a pike as a warning to usurpers.
Conversation At Other End Of Table Sounds Way More Interesting #~# TUSTIN, CA—According to sources nodding along to a coworker’s story about vacation home rentals, the conversation happening between strangers at the other end of the communal table at the Ocean Walk Café sounds way more interesting. “I can’t tell exactly what they’re talking about, but just listen to them—they’re having a blast down there,” said restaurant patron Daniel Beech, who was forced to endure three consecutive griping anecdotes about departmental paid-time-off policy while peals of harmonious laughter rang out from the livelier, more engaged, clearly mutually supportive group less than six feet away. “Every so often, I’ll catch a snippet of the conversation, which I gather is about having exciting new experiences and is being conducted by engaged people in excited voices, and even once-removed is positively riveting compared to this droning, monotone hell on earth.” At press time, sources confirmed that the other end of the table had gotten their entrees first, too.
‘Nothing Is More Attractive Than Confidence,’ Says Woman Who Has Apparently Never Seen Sonic The Hedgehog Cosplay #~# DENVER, CO—Naively insisting that we seek partners with the confidence to be comfortable in their own skin, Denver systems analyst Jennifer Thomas, 32, stated Monday that “nothing is more attractive than confidence,” clearly demonstrating that she has never seen Sonic the Hedgehog cosplay. “Being secure with who you are is really the sexiest thing a person can do,” said Thomas, who has never witnessed an obese, mustachioed Sonic, an orange-cutoff-clad Tails, and a sweat-soaked Knuckles the Echidna enter a convention center to join up with hundreds of Charmy Bees, Espio the Chameleons, and Rouge the Bats who await them for a day chock-full of roleplaying on planet Mobius. “Honestly, I believe it’s about the way you carry yourself. I think it’s apparent that if we first love ourselves, then others [as long as you’ve never seen a tattoo-covered Sonic wage a ham-fisted mock battle with a rotund, middle-aged Dr. Robotnik in order to gain the sixth Chaos Emerald and enter a Comic Con booth labeled ‘Crystal Egg Zone’] will too.” Thomas, who has also evidently never watched a grown man with spiky blue hair and unwashed tights racing around a hotel event suite collecting gold spray-painted hula hoop “rings,” asserted that looks don’t matter.
Cuba Names New President To Succeed Raúl Castro #~# The Communist Party of Cuba formally announced the presidency’s transition from Raúl Castro to 56-year-old Miguel Diaz-Canel, ending nearly 60 years of Castro family rule. What do you think?
Local History Museum Really Digging Deep To Fill 2 15-By-20-Foot Rooms #~# HOPKINTON, NH—After viewing several topographical maps, an old wagon wheel, and a few rusting farm implements, visitors to Hopkinton’s local history museum confirmed Monday that the curators had clearly dug deep to fill the two 15-by-20-foot rooms at their disposal. “The first room had photos of the town’s past and a handful of framed newspaper clippings by the entrance, but the next display case was basically just full of old railroad spikes,” said Hopkinton resident Clara Bouchard, who spent less than a minute examining a 1948 photograph of the town’s former train depot before concluding the structure, which now houses a café and yarn store, looks more or less the same today as it did then. “In the second room, they had all these pictures local kids had drawn of the town. Which is nice, I guess, but it’s not exactly history, is it? And there’s a whole exhibit that, as far as I can tell, is just about the board members of the local historical society.” Museum visitors were heartened to discover the wall nearest the exit was occupied by a trio of well-stocked vending machines.
Most Shocking Revelations Of The Comey Memos #~# A series of memos written by former FBI director James Comey and released to Congress Thursday by the Justice Department provide more insight into his relationship with President Donald Trump, as well as offer information pertinent to the ongoing investigation into his administration’s ties to Russia. The Onion presents the most shocking revelations from the Comey memos. 
North, South Korea In Talks To Announce End To 68-Year Korean War #~# An intelligence source revealed that an upcoming talk between Kim Jong-un and Moon Jae-in could result in the announcement of an end to the Korean War 68 years after the conflict began. What do you think?
‘Politics Was Never This Toxic In The 2010s,’ Says Future American While Watching Candidates Battle In 2048 Debate Pits #~# NEO-SEATTLE—Decrying the lack of decorum on display, an American from decades in the future remarked that politics was never this toxic “back in the 2010s,” shaking his head as he watched the leading presidential candidates of 2048 fight to the death in blood-soaked debate pits.
DNC Files Lawsuit Alleging Nation Should Never, Ever Stop Focusing On 2016 Election #~# WASHINGTON—Demanding greater accountability for the race’s outcome, the Democratic National Committee reportedly filed a multimillion-dollar lawsuit Friday alleging that the nation should never, ever stop focusing on the 2016 presidential election. “Our lawsuit lays out, in no uncertain terms, that the nation should never under any circumstances move on from the 2016 election results,” said DNC chairman Tom Perez, adding that the 66-page lawsuit filed in a New York federal court asserts that the American people must remain solely preoccupied with every little goddamn detail from the 2016 presidential race. “We’re calling on WikiLeaks, Russia, and Trump campaign officials to join the Democratic Party in our efforts to spend the next several years prioritizing endless fucking discussions about potential election interference and what that means for democracy. We believe there was a deliberate effort to throw the race to Donald Trump, and that the American people have a right to publicly re-litigate Hillary Clinton’s defeat and promote far-reaching conspiracy theories instead of concentrating on anything remotely politically constructive for the next few decades at least.” At press time, DNC officials were calling for an emergency legal injunction to block the nation from learning absolutely anything from the 2016 election.
Long John Silver’s Customer Finds Deep-Fried Poseidon Head In Value Meal #~# CINCINNATI—Causing a wave of disgust and outrage among his fellow diners, local man Tobin Sullivan said Friday that, to his horrified surprise, he had found the deep-fried head of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, in his $8.99 Two Fish And Six Shrimp Combo Platter. “I was eating my fish when I noticed what looked like this long, flowing, batter-fried beard,” Sullivan said, adding that he later found the ocean deity’s entire fried trident amongst shrimp and coleslaw. “At first, I thought the head was just part of the fillet or something, but then when I saw the blank, watery eyes staring up at me, I knew something was not right. I mean, even at a fast-food place, there’s no excuse for letting the severed head of a god end up on a customer’s plate.” A spokesperson for Long John Silver’s told reporters that Sullivan had accepted a free order of hush puppies as compensation for the ordeal.
Starbucks To Close 8,000 Stores For Racial Bias Training #~# After a wave of protests in response to the arrest of two black customers in a Philadelphia store, global coffee chain said they will close 8,000 stores on May 29 to give employees racial bias training. What do you think?
Child At That Awkward Age Where No One Cares What He Thinks And He’s Constantly In The Way #~# HARTFORD, CT—Acknowledging that their second-grader had reached “that uncomfortable stage” far earlier than most of his peers, the parents of 8-year-old Kyle Fiedler confirmed Friday that he was at that awkward age where no one cares what he thinks and he’s constantly in the way. “Kyle’s just going through that phase all kids go through—you know, when no one wants him around and he’s a burden on everybody,” said Greg Fiedler, noting that his son seems to be stuck in a transitional point of his development where he is no longer cute enough for others to want to take care of him, but he’s still so physically and mentally useless that he requires those others to exhaust themselves feeding, clothing, and sheltering him every day. “He’ll grow out of it eventually, but for now, he’s still navigating this rough patch where every story he tells is way too long and pointless, all of his opinions are wrong and stupid, and, frankly, he adds no value whatsoever to the world. It’s all part of growing up.” Child development experts say the average 8-year-old eventually outgrows this stage after reaching adolescence, refusing to talk to anyone at all, and never leaving their room.
Boss Wants To Know If You Can Work Late This Year #~# YOUR LOCATION—Explaining that staffing was a little tight right now and he would really appreciate the extra help, your boss was wondering Friday if you might be able to work late this year. “It’s obviously not required, but you’d be doing me a huge solid if you wouldn’t mind staying after hours for 12 months or so,” said your supervisor, explaining that the extra time was required to make sure a few big upcoming projects get off the ground in the next four quarters. “You know I wouldn’t ask you to burn the midnight oil like this if it wasn’t really necessary. But I’m confident that if we can just power through, we should get everything squared away by the end of 2018, 2019 at the latest. Unfortunately, it’s just our busy time of the decade right now.” Your boss added that, in appreciation of your efforts, you should feel free to come in a couple seconds late on Monday.
NASA Announces Plans To Place Giant Pair Of Shades On Sun #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the solar system’s central star look as badass as possible, NASA officials announced Friday the agency’s plans to place a 864,600-mile-wide pair of shades on the sun. “With this mission, we’ll be taking a great leap forward in our understanding of how cool and chilled-out our sun really is,” said NASA acting administrator Robert M. Lightfoot Jr., noting that the eyewear’s design was based in part on a 1588 drawing by Galileo, who was branded a heretic at the time for suggesting the sun wasn’t as laid-back as previously thought. “For generations to come, every time we look up at the sky, we’ll be reminded that the sun is this super rad celestial body that’s rocking a sweet pair of American-built shades.” Lightfoot added that if the mission was a success, NASA would expedite its plans to launch a giant, ice-cold glass of lemonade for the sun to sip.
Puerto Rico Hit By Island-Wide Blackout #~# Nearly seven months after Hurricane Maria, Puerto Rico has entirely lost power, with all 1.5 million electricity customers being plunged into darkness yet again. What do you think?
Mike Pompeo Defects To North Korea After Learning About Kim Jong-Un’s Torture Program #~# PYONGYANG—Declaring that he has “finally, at long last, come home” to a society that properly aligns with his values, former C.I.A. director and U.S. Secretary of State candidate Mike Pompeo officially defected to the totalitarian nation Thursday after learning about Kim Jong-un’s torture program. “It’s amazing—the torture here is just miles and miles ahead of what they do in the U.S.,” said Pompeo, who credited the sheer scope, creativity, and attention to detail employed in North Korea’s innovative torture techniques for inspiring his sudden defection. “They don’t mess around with that namby-pamby waterboarding stuff like we do back in the States. In North Korea, if they, I mean, if we suspect someone to be an enemy of the regime, they’re beaten half to death, thrown in a labor camp, forced to dig their own graves, then slowly crushed to death under the corpses of their families and friends. Hell, if Kim Jong-un says he doesn’t like a band’s music, the police strap the musicians across the muzzles of anti-aircraft cannons, fire off a volley, and drive tanks back and forth over the bloody gobbets. I have so much lost time to make up.” At press time, the state-run Korean Central News Agency reported that Pompeo has adjusted quickly to his new life as a North Korean citizen and has already accused several of his neighbors of high treason.
Dad Ready To Forgive Dixie Chicks #~# GLASGOW, KY—Declaring that enough time has passed for everyone to get on with their lives, father of two Albert Wrinn told reporters Thursday that he was ready to forgive crossover-country trio the Dixie Chicks for remarks critical of former President George W. Bush that were made on the eve of the Iraq invasion. “They absolutely made a mistake, but it’s time to acknowledge that and simply let bygones be bygones,” said Wrinn, 62, who as recently as 2015 had been unable to so much as hear the band’s name without launching into a tirade about how they were traitors to their country and to the state of Texas for telling the audience at a 2003 London concert that they were “ashamed” to be from the same state as Bush. “It’s not healthy to hold a grudge, and, frankly, I’m surprised they let it go on for so long. Besides, the Dixie Chicks have some pretty good songs. It’s time to move on.” Wrinn also confirmed that he is in no way prepared to forgive singer Sinead O’Connor for ripping up a picture of Pope John Paul II during a 1992 episode of Saturday Night Live. 
Supreme Court Agrees To Hear New Jack White Album #~# WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision by the country’s highest judicial body, sources confirmed that the U.S. Supreme Court announced Thursday that it had agreed to hear the new Jack White album. “Having already established a precedent when we heard Lazaretto in 2014, we have decided to bring Boarding House Reach before the court,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, adding that the album had already been heard by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Eleventh Circuit, where Judge Gerald Bard Tjoflat had overridden a lower court’s decision by ruling in its favor. “We consented to review this album because it offers the court the opportunity to further clarify Mr. White’s career, which has on occasion been ambiguous and difficult to define going back to the Elephant-era White Stripes. It is our intention that this ruling will serve as the clear legal basis for all future assessments of his blues-influenced guitar work.” At press time, the Supreme Court had announced in a 7-2 ruling that the album sucks.
Those Who Do Not Learn From History Are Doomed To Repeat The Renaissance #~# When we ignore the lessons learned by previous generations, we do so at our own peril. It is foolish, if not the height of hubris, to believe history has nothing to teach us. In our current age, one in which it can seem the world around us is being upended every day, we may be tempted to believe that what has gone on before is no guide to the future. Nevertheless, the fact remains that those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat the Renaissance.
God Recalls Life-Changing Encounter With 8-Year-Old Boy Who Had Near-Death Experience #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying that the incident had a profound effect on Him and that He hasn’t been the same since, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, recalled Thursday his life-changing encounter with an 8-year-old boy who had a near-death experience. “I was standing there one day in the brightness of Eternal Life when suddenly, a small boy came walking towards My light,” said the Almighty, explaining that He felt at peace and had no fear, as was nearly always the case, but that He could also see the boy’s small frame on an operating table far below and realized that He was seeing an actual out-of-body experience. “He asked me if I was God and this Heaven, and when I said, ‘Yes, my child,’ a look of total tranquility came over him. I tell you, it was really humbling. Before I could say anything else, the child’s spirit was returned to his body, but the feeling of total serenity still lingered. It made me really appreciate the afterlife, you know?” God added that He took great comfort in knowing that He will see the boy again very soon.
Tips For Traveling Solo #~# Taking a trip alone may seem off-putting to some people, but others find it to be a more rewarding experience. The Onion offers tips for solo travel.
Mom Makes Sure Everyone Has Masturbated Before Long Car Ride #~# LANARK, IL—Adamant that there would be no unplanned pit stops until her family had reached its destination, local mom Mary Curran reportedly made sure that each of her teenage sons had masturbated to completion Thursday before a long car ride to their grandparents’ house. “It’s going to be three hours—maybe more with traffic—so even if you don’t have to jerk off right this second, you should at least try,” said Curran, hoping to avoid a repeat of their last trip when they barely managed to pull off I-39 in time for her youngest to blow his load into a ditch. “I know you say you just cranked one out, but you say that every time. Please just go and pleasure yourself now so we don’t find ourselves desperately looking for an exit with a Denny’s that will let you jack it without buying anything first.” Curran went on to fault her husband for letting the kids watch so much porn with breakfast.
200 Million Eggs Recalled In U.S. After Dozens Become Ill #~# The FDA issued a recall of 207 million eggs from Rose Acre Farms after dozens of non-lethal illnesses led to fears that they may have been contaminated with salmonella. What do you think? 
Nation’s Liberals Not Sure What To Think After Hearing Special Counsel Has Waterboarded Every Suspect In Trump Investigation #~# WASHINGTON—Stammering as they struggled to form an opinion about the surprising revelation, the nation’s liberals admitted Thursday they were not sure what to think after hearing U.S. Special Counsel Robert Mueller had waterboarded every suspect in his investigation into the Trump campaign. “I’ve stood firmly in support of Mueller, believing the president must be held accountable for his severe misdeeds, but I’m also against torture, so…I think this is probably wrong? Maybe?” said left-leaning voter Gregory Topper, who at first responded with horror to news that convicted campaign advisers Paul Manafort and Michael Flynn had been repeatedly subjected to simulated drowning, but then added that the nation must do everything in its power to stop a corrupt despot like Trump—and perhaps that included waterboarding, though perhaps not. “This is an attack on our democracy, and these are clearly terrible, terrible people. Even so, we shouldn’t resort to torture, not ever. But is waterboarding even really torture? I mean, you aren’t in real physical danger. Huh. On the other hand, it’s still barbaric and inhumane, so there’s no way I can support this. Or can I?” At press time, liberals around the nation were reportedly reconsidering their opinions on extralegal detention after hearing all suspects in the Mueller investigation had been transferred to Guantánamo Bay.
Barbara Bush Dies At 92 #~# Former First Lady Barbara Bush, mother to George W. Bush and wife to George H.W. Bush, passed away yesterday at the age of 92. What do you think?
Congress Not Sure What It Did To Make Trump Think It Wouldn’t Roll Over For Whatever He Wants In Syria #~# WASHINGTON—Following President Trump’s decision to launch airstrikes in Syria without seeking approval from Congress, GOP lawmakers reportedly asked what they had ever done to make the commander in chief think they wouldn’t immediately knuckle under and let him bomb whomever he wishes. “Honestly, he ought to know by now that he can come to us on something like this and we’ll give him whatever he wants,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said Wednesday, observing that Congress almost never fails to bow to the president’s desires, whether that means stepping aside to let his Muslim ban go forward or refusing to take up a bill that would prevent him from firing Special Counsel Robert Mueller. “Never once did we stand up to him on any of the impulsive, wildly impractical policy ideas he floats that would harm countless Americans. So what gives? He could have requested our authorization to carpet-bomb Syria, send ground troops into Iraq, or anything, really. There’s no doubt in my mind we would have caved instantly and let him have it.” A teary-eyed McConnell went on to state that he hopes Trump understands that congressional Republicans will always be there for him, no matter what’s going on, and that he can count on them to put their country second and destroy their legacies. 
Cottonelle Adds Blue Strip To Toilet Paper But Keeps What It Does A Secret #~# IRVING, TX—Refusing to confirm nor deny that the addition had anything to do with personal hygiene, Cottonelle unveiled its new ULTRA Comfort Care toilet paper Wednesday now infused with a mysterious thin blue strip. “Is it scented? Does it help track your intestinal health? Is there some sort of lotion in it? It could be any of those things or none of them—we’re not saying at the moment,” Cottonelle marketing director Wynnie Palmetto told reporters, adding that she was under contract not to reveal any more details beyond the fact that the product was still as absorbent as ever. “All you need to know is that we’ve put years of research into this, and once you’ve tried it, you won’t be in a hurry to wipe with any other brand. Trust me.” Palmetto went on to allay safety concerns by explaining that the product had already seen extensive use by the military.
Impoverished Kenyan Bean Picker Can’t Wait To See What Starbucks Has To Say About Racial Sensitivity #~# NYERI, KENYA—Reacting to news that Starbucks will close more than 8,000 locations for a day to conduct anti-discrimination training, impoverished Kenyan bean picker Adamu Mwangi told reporters Wednesday he couldn’t wait to hear the international coffee giant’s perspectives on racial sensitivity. “I think this could turn out to be really interesting,” said Mwangi, who added that after completing a 14-hour shift Saturday harvesting beans for Starbucks’ Kenya-brand coffee, the highlight of his week had been reading what CEO Kevin Johnson had to say about how minorities are treated by his multibillion-dollar corporation. “Not every company is willing to take on an issue as complicated as race, and I’m just excited to find out how they plan to address inequality moving forward. Hopefully, we’ll see some real, concrete change from this.” At press time, sources confirmed Mwangi had been beaten unconscious on the job after being inspired by Starbucks to engage his fellow farmhands in a discussion about racial injustice in all its forms.
TGI Fridays Is A Human Right #~# Each of us, regardless of the circumstances of our birth, is entitled to basic human dignity. That means freedom from fear and from want. It means access to food, clothing, shelter, and medicine. But it also means dining with friends and family in an environment where one can, on any day of the week, enjoy “that Friday feeling.” Indeed, during my time running this popular restaurant chain, I have come to realize that TGI Fridays is a fundamental human right.
New Law Requires Sex Offenders To Inform Residents Before Moving Into Their Homes #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—In a move designed to keep citizens aware of any potentially dangerous individuals sharing their address, the Illinois General Assembly passed a new law Wednesday requiring sex offenders to inform residents that they will be moving in with them. “Going forward, all registered sex offenders will be compelled by statute to notify homeowners of their intent to reside in their premises,” said Rep. Jehan A. Gordon (D-IL), the bill’s co-sponsor, explaining that once they had established a comfortable place on the couch, persons included on the state sex-offender registry had 72 hours to go hallway-door-to-hallway-door in order to declare their presence. “It’s essential that occupants have all the information necessary to take precautions that will keep their kids safe and secure should they ever notice the sex offender leaning on their bathroom doorframe.” Gordon also announced his intent to introduce legislation requiring sex offenders to reside at least 10 feet away from school-aged children.
Kendrick Lamar Wins Historic Pulitzer Prize For ‘DAMN.’ #~# In the first such award bestowed on a work outside of jazz and classical music, the Pulitzer Prize in Music was given to Kendrick Lamar’s album DAMN., which the board called a “virtuosic song collection unified by its vernacular authenticity.” What do you think?
Alex Jones Pleads With Sandy Hook Parents To Imagine Pain An Expensive Lawsuit Would Cause Him #~# AUSTIN, TX—In response to multiple families suing him for defamation over his claims that the 2012 shooting was a hoax, InfoWars host Alex Jones plead with Sandy Hook parents Tuesday to imagine the enormous pain that such an expensive lawsuit would cause him. “Please, I’m begging you—have a heart and think about the suffering that a devastating courtroom experience like this would put me through,” said a forlorn Jones, tearing up as he openly asked what sorts of monsters would force him to endure the costly ordeal of defending himself in court merely for saying the shooting that claimed the lives of their children was entirely staged and perpetrated by opponents of the Second Amendment. “Before you hurt me any more than you already have, just put yourself in my shoes: After everything I’ve already endured, I’ll have to carry around the misery caused by this $1 million payout for the rest of my life. All that money—my money—would just be gone. Can you imagine that kind of loss? It’s just so senseless.” At press time, Jones had filed a $1 million countersuit against the parents for the pain and suffering their lawsuit had caused him.
Comey Says Trump ‘Morally Unfit’ To Be President As Clash Escalates #~# In the latest barrage between the former FBI director and the White House, James Comey told ABC News that Trump was “morally unfit” to be president while Trump countered on Twitter that Comey had “committed many crimes.” What do you think?
Hannity Claims Relationship With Cohen Never Went Past Payment For Legal Advice, Defense Strategy In Criminal Cases #~# NEW YORK—Saying that any past interactions he’d had with the attorney were completely informal, Fox News television host Sean Hannity told reporters Tuesday that his relationship with Michael Cohen never went beyond paying him for legal advice and discussing criminal defense strategies. “Mr. Cohen is no more than an acquaintance of mine who has, on occasion, helped me plan the best course of action in legal disputes and received monetary compensation for his efforts,” said Hannity, adding that claims he was Cohen’s client are completely unfounded and that he had simply received the lawyer’s help drawing up documents to create legally binding contracts, later reimbursing him for his time. “I hardly knew the guy except for a couple of paid, friendly pointers he gave me on making lawsuits go away or destroying a potential witness’s credibility—things like that. A casual conversation about plea bargain negotiations between friends in exchange for a nominal fee is being completely blown out of proportion by the mainstream media.” Hannity went on to state that if any evidence that might incriminate him were found in Cohen’s seized files, it would constitute a huge breach of attorney-client privilege.
Controversial Theory Suggests Aliens May Have Built Ancient Egypt’s Intergalactic Spaceport #~# CAIRO—Claiming that one of the world’s most famous and iconic historic structures couldn’t have been constructed using the resources available at the time, proponents of a controversial new theory suggested this week that aliens may have built Egypt’s ancient intergalactic spaceport. “Archaeologists say the Great Starport of Philopator was built by slaves, but it’s hard to believe that ancient humans could have dragged those zero-point energy generators and quantum vacuum storage toroids across the landscape with flax-fiber ropes and palm logs,” said “Ancient Astronaut Architect” advocate Bryan Miller, adding that, despite what history books tell us, at least half the technology used to create Cairo’s 500-zettawatt interstellar launch complex likely didn’t even exist a century before the birth of Christ. “Even if they had the tools in the Pharaonic era, the evidence overwhelmingly suggests that humans didn’t have the grasp of transtemporal quantum entanglement, 3-manifold-model nesting universes, or haplophase antimatter required to build 40-story docking stations from hard light. Society wants us to believe it was man-made, but just take one look at the Egyptians’ heptaxial Alcubierre drives and you know someone from ‘Out There’ was helping us.” Miller added that the theory is basically confirmed when you consider that the spaceport’s primary landing strips align perfectly with the three interdimensional portals in the constellation Sagittarius.
Man Fears He May Never Trust Again After Treasured Picture Of Duck Turns Out To Be Rabbit  #~# NAMPA, ID—Overcome by a sense of shame and betrayal upon realizing his life has been based on a lie, Allen Shearer told reporters Tuesday that he might never trust again upon realizing that his treasured line drawing of a duck has actually been a rabbit all along. “My duck! No! What happened? How could I not see? How was I such a fool?” said Shearer, gnashing his teeth at the thought that the jaunty waterfowl hanging on the wall of his study had always been a slightly pensive mammal. “Wait, thank heavens, the duck is back. Oh, God—now it’s a rabbit again! If this is a lie, then what else in my life has been a lie, too?” At press time, Shearer was attempting to console himself by gazing at his beloved picture of a beautiful young woman with a feather in her hat.
Biggest Revelations From James Comey’s New Book #~# A new book by former FBI director James Comey, A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, And Leadership, promises to offer an inside look at his time in federal law enforcement, as well as his controversial role in the 2016 presidential election. Here are the biggest revelations from Comey’s autobiography.
Michael Jordan Attacks Softness, Lack Of Competitiveness In Modern Blackjack Players #~# LAS VEGAS—Guaranteeing they couldn’t “hack it” back in the ’80s and ’90s, former NBA star Michael Jordan spoke out Tuesday blasting the weakness and lack of drive in modern blackjack players. “These soft and coddled blackjack players today, who come into the Bellagio and stand on a jack and a five, they could never compete with the guys I went up against every single night,” said Jordan, complaining that today’s competitors lacked the killer instinct necessary to thrive in the clutch and single-handedly take over a card game when they were down by 20 or 30 grand. “Blackjack used to be about toughness. There was one night I busted out on 20 straight hands, but I kept grinding. These young players just expect to be handed a 21, they don’t want to fight for it. Back in the day, I knew hardcore guys who would hit on 17 all the time—they had grit and just wanted to dominate.” Jordan added that despite being 55 years old, he was confident that he could take any blackjack player in the world one-on-one.
Researchers Find New Malware Designed To Make ATMs Spit Out Cash #~# Researchers have found new malware that causes ATMs to spit out cash at speeds of $2,500 per minute in a phenomenon known as “jackpotting”—although they stress that it has likely not yet been used in the field. What do you think?
New Evidence Suggests First Gallows Created As Early Attempt At Autoerotic Asphyxiation #~# BALTIMORE—In an announcement that sheds new light on the history of an apparatus traditionally regarded as execution equipment, researchers at Johns Hopkins University presented new evidence Tuesday suggesting the first gallows were created as an early aid to autoerotic asphyxiation. “Our findings indicate that the early development cycle of the structure bearing a ropework noose attached to a wooden scaffold was, in fact, initially an effort by Europeans of centuries ago to bring themselves to sexual climax by abruptly cutting off their airway,” said research associate Casey Ruhnke, who presented early draughtsman’s notes and sketches purporting to show that while the framework was later adapted to humanely administer the death penalty, its original intent was simply to help people achieve intense hypoxic orgasms. “Rudimentary early versions of the instrument appear to be specifically designed for people who become aroused when bound on a raised platform and slowly approached by a man in a black hood, who, after declaring their greatest indiscretions into their ear in front of an audience, finally strangles them with ligatures, thereby providing a once-in-a-lifetime erotic thrill. Obviously, little had to change for the gallows to assume the purpose we traditionally associate it with.” The researchers also discovered that the common belt served a similar erotic purpose before eventually finding use as a device to hold up pants.
U.S. Won’t Rule Out Escalating Defense-Sector Profits From Syria Conflict #~# WASHINGTON—As the U.S. military awaited a potential response to its recent series of targeted airstrikes, sources reported Monday that the Trump administration would not rule out escalating defense-sector profits from the conflict in Syria. “If [Syrian president] Bashar al-Assad decides to retaliate, we won’t hesitate to rapidly scale up the revenue that weapons manufacturers can expect to earn from military action in Syria,” said Secretary of Defense James Mattis, adding that the use of over $160 million worth of Tomahawk missiles in precision strikes over the weekend should indicate that the American private defense sector was exceptionally prepared to profit from the conflict if necessary. “Our response to the use of chemical weapons in Syria should give corporations in the military-industrial complex and their shareholders the message that we are more than ready to send the value of their stocks soaring. The U.S. armed forces will stop at nothing to ensure that companies like Lockheed Martin, Northrop Grumman, Boeing, and General Dynamics remain in the black.” At press time, U.S. officials noted that if rising payments to defense companies for missiles and drones failed to deter Assad, they were open to significantly expanding the bottom line of private military contractors that supply ground troops.
Americans File Returns For Tax Day #~# Millions of Americans will file federal and state tax returns this week or face penalties from the government. Have you filed your taxes?
Comey Suddenly Realizes Entire Book Just A Subconscious Defense Mechanism To Hide His True Feelings #~# WASHINGTON—Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly shocked Monday after suddenly realizing that he wrote his forthcoming memoir, A Higher Loyalty, as a defense mechanism to subconsciously mask his true, romantic feelings for President Donald Trump. “Oh, my God, it just dawned on me, I’m head over heels in love with President Trump—he’s all I think about, every hour of every day,” said Comey, who abruptly began to comprehend that his autobiography was essentially a love letter written to the 71-year-old commander in chief. “I mean, if I didn’t really like him, I’d just be apathetic, but I’ve been completely obsessed with Donald Trump for months now. Christ, it’s all starting to make sense. The reason I was so upset when I got fired [as FBI director] was because I wouldn’t get to spend time with him anymore. I know that he’s a flawed leader, but I just want to fix him.” At press time, Trump had taken to social media and dispatched several anger-filled tweets to obscure his deep, undying affection for Comey.
Ex-Boyfriend Hopes To Still Be Terrible, Incompatible Friends #~# DENVER, CO—Insisting the turmoil didn’t need to stop just because the relationship had ended, local man Alex Ware was reportedly hopeful Monday that he and his ex-girlfriend could still be terrible, incompatible friends. “I understand that we’re a bad match romantically, but after everything we’ve been through, I think we owe it to ourselves to maintain some kind of toxic relationship,” said Ware, who assured his ex-girlfriend that he wanted her to have an unhealthy presence in his life. “I still care about you and, even if we’re not dating anymore, I want us to keep bringing out the worst in each other. You probably need some space right now, but once you’re ready, maybe we can meet up to fight occasionally.” At press time, Ware responded to his ex-girlfriend blocking him on social media by leaving an honest, solemn message on her voicemail saying that their breakup wasn’t working.
Report: It Time To Give Up #~# WASHINGTON—Years of research regarding your progress thus far and the projected outcome of your continued efforts have culminated in the finding that it is in fact time for you to give up, experts on you concluded this week. “You made a decent run at it, but you’re kidding yourself if you think you’re ever really going to get anywhere,” said numerous sources who worked on your case, none of whom believed that further expenditure of time, energy, or resources would garner apreciable gains and all of whom believed that a graceful admission of defeat is your best option. “You may believe this is merely a slump or a rough patch and that you’ll eventually get back on track with everything, but all the data we have indicate that the more effort you put forth now, the greater your disappointment will be when you are finally forced to surrender to your own inadequacy and stop trying altogether. Yes, before you say anything, we know it seems as if you have years to get it together, but you don’t. Those years will only bear mute witness as you flail helplessly, getting nowhere. You probably should have given up decades ago. You are a failure.” The experts also noted that, while it has been stated many times previously that one should never, ever give up, that sentiment is intended as a general guideline and does not apply in your specific and more hopeless case.
Cool Glitch Effect On Movie Studio Logo Must Mean Shit About To Go Down #~# SALEM, VA—According to moviegoers currently bracing for the next 95 minutes, the cool glitch effect used on the Warner Bros. logo during the film’s intro sequence must mean that some serious shit is about to go down. “Oh, man, here we go. The normal picture got all distorted for a second, and the musical sting was replaced by some garbled, static-y background noise,” said viewer Patrick Liepert, who speculated that, if the logo’s sudden disappearance was any indication, he might be in for quite an intense ride. “I wouldn’t be surprised if the movie opened with ashes floating down like snow through the darkness while a character we don’t know runs frantically down an alley. Shit, the Paramount logo is completely silent, too—this is gonna be rough.” At press time, sources reported seeing only white letters on an all-black screen that said “Siberia, 1908.”
Woman Forced To Do Some Detective Work After Obituary For Dead Classmate Leaves Off Cause Of Death #~# MOLINE, IL—Mystified by the lack of detail and speculating on the possible reasons for the same, local woman Jennifer Wallach was forced to do some detective work Monday when the obituary for a recently deceased high school classmate omitted the cause of his death. “Why would they just leave out how he died like that?” said Wallach, scrolling through the Facebook page of the late 26-year-old in the hopes of finding some condolence postings that contained clues before Googling his name to see if any local news outlets had perhaps covered it. “Shit. Maybe there’s a posting about it from his church, like, if suicide is a thing for them. Nope, still nothing.” After a few more minutes of fruitless internet use, Wallach received a text from a mutual friend who informed her that his older brother heard from a classmate’s mom that it “looks like a substance-abuse thing.”
Flower Freaking Out After Realizing There’s A Bee On It #~# CAMILLA, GA—Remaining perfectly motionless despite its mounting terror, Zinnia peruviana FL77542PM4 found itself on the verge of panic Monday after noticing a honeybee had landed on one of its petals. “Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck me. Okay, deep breaths. Maybe it just wants to rest for a second and then it’ll fly away,” said the magenta-hued flower, trying to keep in mind that bees only sting when defending the hive, and to the best of its knowledge, it had not gone anywhere near one. “Shit, it must be attracted to my bright coloration. Oh, God, oh, God, it’s going towards my stamen! I know it’s irrational, but I’m sorry, I fucking hate these things.” FL77542PM4 was later relieved when the bee flew away without incident, but freaked out again just moments later upon realizing it was standing right on top of a worm.
Manager Of Combination Taco Bell/KFC Secretly Considers It Mostly A Taco Bell #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Despite making an effort to acknowledge that both institutions bring something special to the table, combination Taco Bell/KFC manager Frank Moroni, 38, told reporters yesterday that he considers his franchise to be mostly a Taco Bell. “Listen, I would never discuss this with the customers because I have my professional impartiality to maintain, but, honestly, it’s Taco Bell that does the heavy lifting,” said Moroni, adding that while an occasional patron may order a side of chicken tenders to complement their Crunchwrap Supreme, the vast majority of diners completely ignore the KFC portion of his restaurant. “Sometimes, we’ll get a big line of people in front of one of our two registers and have to remind them that both lanes offer Taco Bell. In fact, I can’t remember the last time someone came up here and ordered nothing but a standard 16-piece chicken meal. That’s why when I hire somebody, I’m not looking for a KFC guy. The spirit of this place is definitely Taco Bell.” Moroni, who said that the matter was “insignificant and irrelevant,” refused to discuss the fact that his establishment has been offering Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizzas for years.
New ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Book ‘The Fall Of Gondolin’ To Be Released This Year #~# A posthumously published book in J.R.R. Tolkien’s fantasy series titled The Fall of Gondolin will be published this year. Depicting the elven city of Gondolin—and its sacking by the dark lord Morgoth—the book was assembled by the author’s son from notes and journals in his archives. What do you think?
Fleetwood Mac Fires Lindsey Buckingham #~# Fleetwood Mac has fired Lindsey Buckingham after a disagreement over the band’s upcoming tour, opting to replace the singer of “Go Your Own Way” with Mike Campbell of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and Neil Finn of Crowded House. What do you think?
Astronomers Say Wednesday Night Will Be Best Chance For Americans To View ‘NOVΛ’ #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to raise public awareness about a rare deep-space broadcasting phenomenon, the American Astronomical Society published a press release Friday informing citizens that Wednesday night will be their best chance to view NOVΛ on PBS. “Our projections show that stargazers on the east coast will be able to experience the awe-inspiring magnificence of this once-in-a-lifetime documentary series at exactly 9 p.m.,” said AAS Executive Officer Kevin B. Marvel, who said the scientific spectacle can be plainly observed by the naked eye. “While we’re expecting the celestial science program to peak at around 9:33 EST, NOVΛ should still be visible for roughly another half hour thereafter.” Marvel added that Americans who live on the west coast will want to set an early alarm to take in the majestic production.
Cambridge Analytica Whistleblower Admits Last Few Weeks At Work Have Been Awkward #~# LONDON—Noting that his treatment from colleagues recently ranged from avoiding eye contact by some to the occasional incident of spitting directly into his face by others, Cambridge Analytica whistleblower Christopher Wylie admitted Friday that the last few weeks at work have been unusually awkward. “The vibe has really changed around here, if you ask me,” said the 29-year-old political operative, who suspects the recent coldness has something to do with his decision to reveal the massive scope of the company’s Facebook data mining operation to authorities. “I suppose it could just be my imagination, but it honestly feels like people don’t trust me much anymore. I mean, sure, I did tell journalists about our highly unethical business practices, but that doesn’t mean I’m not the same old Chris, you know? Honestly, I thought it would blow over after a couple days, but everyone still seems really pissed.” At press time, Wylie claimed he was considering telling journalists about the dozens of Instagram posts from office happy hours to which he was conspicuously not invited.
‘Holy Shit, The Government Owes Me 50 Million Dollars,’ Reports Man Incorrectly Filling Out His Taxes #~# CINCINNATI—Excited by the prospect of quitting his retail job and moving to his own South Pacific island, 28-year-old Ben Hughes learned Friday that he would be receiving $50 million in returns from the federal government after incorrectly filling out his taxes. “Wait, let me double-check this—yep, 50 million dollars, it’s all right here,” said Hughes, referring to a virtually illegible tax form on which he clearly entered his zip-code in the space intended for his number of dependents, deducted his social security number from his withholding, and had somehow managed to follow the tax reporting procedure for a major military contracting business. “Wow! I didn’t think the benefits from the new tax laws kicked in until next year, but I guess this must be making up for all those years when I got nothing back at all.” At press time, Hughes’ enthusiasm was dampened somewhat upon finding that he actually owed the state of Ohio $17 million in property taxes.
Nation Confused After James Comey Dedicates Entire Memoir To In-Depth Retelling Of Martha Stewart Insider Trading Controversy #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing their bewilderment that the former FBI director had chosen to focus on the incident in such detail, the U.S. populace was reportedly confused Friday after learning that James Comey had dedicated the entirety of his upcoming memoir, A Higher Calling, to an in-depth retelling of the Martha Stewart insider trading controversy. “I expected that the Martha Stewart thing might be briefly mentioned, but I’m more than halfway through the book and he’s still going on and on about it,” said Alyssa Cady, 34, echoing the sentiments of 323 million Americans who admitted to feeling perplexed that Comey had devoted over 300 pages to vividly recounting the prosecution of Stewart during his tenure as a U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York. “There’s this part in chapter six where he starts talking about his service to the country, and I thought, ‘Good, he’s finally going to bring up the 2016 election,’ but he just launches into a diatribe about how we must be vigilant against those who would violate the Securities Exchange Act of 1934. And I was pretty annoyed when ‘the biggest showdown of my career’ ended up being about nailing Martha Stewart for perjury.” Cady confirmed that the only mention of Donald Trump in the entire book was a passing reference during a chapter in which Comey expresses the vindication he felt after Martha Stewart’s 2005 spin-off of The Apprentice was cancelled.
Man Filming Childbirth Picks Up Some B-Roll Of Wife’s Vagina While Waiting For Baby To Crown #~# BOSTON—Hoping to minimize his downtime on set between contractions, expectant father Dan Hartfield spent a few hours Friday filming B-roll of his wife’s vagina while waiting for the baby to crown. “Perfect, this is looking fantastic. Honey, could you scoot down a smidge so I can get better light?” said Hartfield, slowly panning the camera for an establishing shot of the midwife he believed would “really help place the scene” before his first close-up on the birth canal. “And, if you can, try not to move around so much in the stirrups. I’m having a real tough time keeping your labia in focus.” Hartfield added that getting too much raw material wasn’t a problem, because the footage of his wife’s vagina that went unused for the birth movie could easily be repurposed for other videos.
Woman Spends Entire Date Wondering If This The One She’ll Mace #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Contemplating her romantic future while staring deep into the eyes of her dining companion, area woman Emily Hopkins reportedly spent the duration of her date Friday wondering if this would be the one she’ll mace. “Call me silly, but like any woman on a first date, I can’t help wondering if he might be the person I’ll be forced to pull my pepper spray on,” said Hopkins, who found she could barely concentrate on her dinner while watching for clues in her date’s body language suggesting that he might ignore social cues and polite rejection and actually require the use of self-defense chemicals to fend off his advances. “As it is, I’m still not sure. I can definitely picture having to shove him away a little bit if he tries to force a kiss, but can I really imagine it becoming so serious that he gets down on one knee and screams and claws the capsaicin out of his eyes as I run away as fast as I can? They say you can sometimes tell if someone’s macing material within the first 10 minutes of meeting them, but I just don’t know if there’s going to be any chemistry here.” In related news, sources close to Hopkins’ date report the young man remains undecided on whether or not Hopkins was someone he could see himself eventually assaulting.
Dermatologists Recommend Regularly Checking Body For Screaming Demonic Face Bulging Out Of Skin #~# NEW YORK—Saying it can be as easy as doing a quick once-over in the shower, the American Dermatological Association released a statement Friday recommending thorough, regular checks of the entire body for screaming demonic faces bulging out of your skin. “It’s important to catch these things early, so we suggest incorporating self-examinations into your daily routine and keeping an eye out for any sores, rashes, or lumps that could possibly develop into demons pressing their warped and twisted faces against your skin from the inside, preparing to let out a pained, hellish scream,” the statement read in part before going on to advise using a mirror or seeking a friend’s help in order to inspect hard-to-reach areas, perhaps even utilizing a stethoscope to hear cacophonic howls developing in suspect areas. “Often, it’s nothing—just something relatively benign, say, a run-of-the-mill damned spirit trapped between the layers of your skin and moaning in pain. However, if it’s a tormented soul whose hell-flensed visage gnaws its way out of a suppurating boil on your lower back and shrieks in agony while biting its own lips to ribbons, that’s something you should get looked at.” The statement also noted that anyone who detects a withered, hollow-eyed little girl protruding from their midsection and singing nursery rhymes in an echoing whisper should immediately seek professional help.
Upcoming ‘Game Of Thrones’ Battle Reportedly Took 55 Days To Shoot #~# A producer for Game of Thrones revealed that a massive battle scene for the eighth and final season of the HBO fantasy series required 55 days of shooting, far longer than any other in the show’s history. What do you think?
Mike Pompeo Can’t Believe Senate Just Expects He’ll Answer Questions Without Being Tortured First #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise at the relatively tame treatment he had received during his confirmation hearing, Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo told reporters Thursday that he can’t believe the Senate expected him to give answers without even being tortured first. “I thought I was supposed to be grilled on my policy positions here, but they just let me sit in this cushy chair the whole time without waterboarding me or anything,” said the CIA director, shaking his head in disbelief as he noted that the members of the Senate Judiciary Committee had simply asked him to clarify his stance on Russia without once putting him in an agonizing stress position, threatening the lives of his family, or stripping him naked and forcing him to crawl on a leash through the Capitol Building lobby. “I was already kind of skeptical when they let me get a full night’s sleep last night without once waking me up by blaring heavy metal. But does Tim Kaine seriously think I’m going to give him any dirt on my views on North Korean regime change if he doesn’t at least snuff out a cigarette on my testicles? Come on, get real.” At press time, Pompeo had perked up as Senator Ed Markey (D-MA) mentioned “rectal feeding tubes” before realizing in disappointment that it was just another routine committee question.
‘Look, Just Tell Us Who To Kill,’ Snaps U.S. General As Trump Enters 20th Minute Of Rambling Answer On Syria #~# WASHINGTON—Cutting the commander-in-chief off mid-sentence and demanding that he give them a straight answer, U.S. General Paul Selva reportedly snapped “Look, just tell us who to kill” Thursday as President Donald Trump entered the 20th minute of a rambling answer about what to do in Syria. “With all due respect, Mr. President, just shut the fuck up and let us know who to bomb,” said Selva, echoing the sentiments of several generals gathered at an intelligence meeting, all of whom had grown more frustrated as the president spoke in circles and offered increasingly vague ideas for potential military actions in Syria. “Stop this meandering bullshit and give us a clear indication of who we should blow up. For Christ’s sake, all we need is a word. Assad. Iran. Russia. Whoever the hell you want, and we’ll go kill them. Just tell us whether you want a few people dead or a lot of people dead, and we’ll figure out all the details, okay? Jesus, this was so much easier with Bush.” At press time, the aggravated generals had gotten up and left the room while Trump was still talking and mutually decided to just bomb everywhere they thought ISIS could be.
Convulsing Teen Bleeding From Eyes, Nose Thinks He Can Feel The Synthetic Weed Kicking In #~# RICHMOND, VA—Acknowledging that he was starting to experience a few paranoid hallucinations, local teen Josh Mashburn reportedly thought Thursday that the involuntary convulsions and profuse bleeding from his eyes and nose were signs that the synthetic weed was finally kicking in. “At first, I thought the stuff might be bunk because I took a couple hits and it seemed like it didn’t work, but then a few minutes later there was just this huge rush of vomit and I could really feel the effects of the K2,” said the seizing teen as he defecated on himself, adding that once the initial fit of coughing up blood and painful abdominal spasms subsided, he started to detect a solid body buzz coming on. “It takes a bit for the mouth foaming and heart palpitations to creep up, but once they do, it’s actually pretty intense. I bet my eyes are so red [from the burst blood vessels].” At press time, Mashburn had eaten his entire tongue after getting the munchies.
Aides Trying To Talk Trump Out Of Sending Associates To Break Into Watergate Office Complex  #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of thinking long and hard about what a scandal like that could do to his career, White House aides spent hours Thursday trying to talk Donald Trump out of sending associates to break into the Watergate office complex. “Mr. President, I don’t think anyone from the DNC has worked there in decades, and even if they did, now might not be the best time to do something like that,” said White House Chief of Staff John Kelly, who was joined by several top advisors in telling Trump that, although the idea was interesting, he might want to consider holding off on sending five men to trespass on private property and set up wiretaps in the Watergate offices. “Sir, I hate the Democrats as much as anyone, but I can’t in good conscience say that having your associates disguise themselves as Cuban Freedom Fighters, bug several phones, and then orchestrate an elaborate cover-up is something I would recommend. Also, with all due respect, President Trump, I think an academic publishing company works there now.” At press time, Kelly and his fellow aides were reportedly urging the 45th President of the United States not to tamper with any tapes he’d recorded about a potential DNC break-in.
Paul Ryan Will Not Seek Reelection #~# Speaker Paul D. Ryan announced Wednesday that he will not seek reelection in November, ending his brief tenure in the House of Representatives and likely kicking off a battle for his successor. What do you think?
Trump Boys Announce They Will Not Hesitate To Egg Russia If Provoked #~# WASHINGTON—Making it clear that they are fully prepared to use every means at their disposal to stand up against rival foreign powers, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump announced Thursday that if Russia continues to provoke the United States, they will not hesitate to egg targets in Moscow. “We like those guys, but make no mistake—if they push us too far, we’re gonna unload on them with everything we’ve got,” said Eric, who filled a duffel bag with five cartons of eggs, a pack of toilet paper, and several cans of Silly String, while Donald Jr. mapped out exactly which stretch of the Kremlin’s gardens would be best to fill with hundreds of plastic forks. “We’re not about to stand by and let Russia get away with saying a bunch of bad stuff about the greatest America on earth. We’ll see who’s still talking a big game about Syria when there’s shoe polish all over their car windows and a giant penis drawn in shaving cream on their driveway. Believe me, that stuff takes forever to clean up.” At press time, White House sources confirmed the brothers were soaked with their own urine after attempting to simultaneously piss into the same water balloon.
Nutritionists Recommend Increasing Intake Of Whatever Will Earn You Free T-Shirt From Restaurant #~# STORRS, CT—Researchers at the University of Connecticut’s Nutritional Sciences Department released a statement Thursday recommending Americans increase their intake of whatever food will earn them a free T-shirt. “Whether the meal required for nutritional and sartorial lifestyle supplementation be a five-pound hamburger, a five-gallon bucket of hot wings, or 500 shrimp, we strongly advise that Americans consume an amount of novelty foodstuffs adequate to earn a free T-shirt upon finishing their oversized portion,” said professor Lucille Jenkins, who noted the manifold proven benefits corresponding to the increased consumption of 54-inch pizzas, 72-ounce steaks, or 21-scoop ice cream sundaes, including, but not limited to, the acquisition of T-shirts proclaiming and commemorating one’s gustatorial accomplishments. “We find that it would be in all Americans’ best interests to not only consume foods with monikers such as ‘The King Kong Cheesesteak’ or ‘The Big Bad Bacon Bomb,’ but to do so within restaurant-prescribed time limits, as not doing so will result in subjects not only having to pay for their meal, but doing so without receiving a commemorative garment.” The nutritionists went on to recommend that Americans only vomit after having finished their meal so as not to be disqualified from taking home their prize.
My Great-Grandfather Came To This Country With Nothing But $10 In His Pocket, $300,000 In His Bank Account, And A Dream #~# When I stop and think about all the strides my family has made since my great-grandfather Wenzel immigrated to America, I can’t help but be filled with pride. It all began with that brave first step Great-Grandpa took when he left his native Austria, not knowing what the future held in store. Things weren’t easy for him, no sir! A great many hardships awaited him when he arrived in this country with only $10 in his pocket, $300,000 in his bank account, and a dream. 
Tax Preparation Software Vs. Hiring An Accountant #~# Many people use outside help to file their taxes, and are faced with the choice of using a tax-preparation software or paying a CPA to do them. The Onion presents a side-by-side comparison of using software vs. hiring a professional.
Cellmate Tired Of Suge Knight’s Constant Stories Of ’90s Rap Beefs #~# LOS ANGELES—Having heard the details so many times he could practically recite them by heart, Reggie Hall, Marion “Suge” Knight’s cellmate at the Los Angeles County Men’s Central Jail, told reporters Thursday he was tired of the hip-hop mogul’s incessant stories about long-forgotten ’90s-era beefs. “I’ll admit it was kind of interesting when he first got here, but now whenever he opens his mouth it’s more bitching and moaning about Puffy or Eazy-E, or some story about how he had to pistol-whip some minor producer no one’s ever heard of,” said Hall, adding that sometimes he just wanted to go to sleep without getting a play-by-play of the 1995 Source Awards. “It’s like, ‘We get it, Suge.’ You haven’t forgiven Uncle Luke for that diss track 24 years ago, and, okay, Snoop’s protégés were probably wrong to use the Death Row office without permission, but if I have to hear about it one more time while I’m taking a shit five feet away, I’m going to scream.” The cellmate said it was especially frustrating that Knight never wants to hear about the family of four Hall murdered.
Report: God Directly Communicating With You Through This Headline #~# EARTH—Singling out you and you alone among the great many children of His wondrous and bountiful creation, God, the Giver of Life and Maker of the Universe, is speaking to you directly through this story’s headline, heavenly sources reported Thursday.
T.J. Miller Arrested For Alleged Fake Bomb Threat #~# Former Silicon Valley star T.J. Miller is facing a federal charge after allegedly calling in a false threat suggesting that a passenger on his Amtrak Train had a bomb in her purse. The sentence could carry up to a five-year prison sentence. What do you think?
New UPS Extended-Tracking Numbers Give Customers Updates On Delivery Driver’s Location For Years After Package Drop-Off #~# ATLANTA—Claiming that their new Extended Tracking™ feature would provide customers with additional security and peace of mind, UPS introduced new ordering metrics Wednesday designed to give updates on a delivery driver’s location for years after they have dropped off customers’ packages. “For an extra $5.99, we’re now offering all UPS customers the ability to track their delivery driver from the time he picks up your package at the shipping center to the moment he brings it to your door, and then everywhere he goes for years afterward,” said UPS CEO David Abney in a press conference, during which he demonstrated how each driver will be fitted with a GPS/RFID tracking device, providing customers with real-time email or text message updates on his precise location for months following receipt of their parcel. “It’s important to us to ensure that all our customers know exactly when their package has arrived, where the delivery man goes afterward, and what time he later arrives home from work. And subsequently, of course, whether or not he moves to a new town, stays with UPS or pursues a new career, jogs or bicycles on a regular route and schedule, divorces his wife once his kids have grown, retires, or, ultimately, dies. Our extended-tracking numbers mean you no longer have to plan your life around wondering where your delivery man is.” Abney added that the feature will also help simplify the return process, as customers will now have the option to return any package at any time over the ensuing decade just by going to the delivery driver’s current location and handing it to him.
FBI Raid On Trump’s Lawyer Sought Files Related To ‘Access Hollywood’ Tape #~# Federal agents who recently raided the office of President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen were searching for all records related to the infamous “Access Hollywood” tape as well as evidence that he made payments to suppress evidence of Trump’s affairs. What do you think?
Congress Reassures Nervous Zuckerberg They Won’t Actually Do Anything About This #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to calm the uneasy tech mogul’s nerves during his congressional hearing Wednesday, members of the U.S. House of Representatives reassured Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg that they weren’t actually going to be doing anything about any of this. “Mr. Zuckerberg, the members of this committee have noticed you seem a little bit anxious today, so we just want to make sure you understand this is the last time you’ll ever have to deal with these kinds of questions,” said Rep. Kurt Schrader (D-OR), urging the 33-year-old billionaire not to sweat it, as his testimony was a mere formality that would by no means lead to any new laws or regulations governing his industry. “We just need to pretend like we’re doing something right now, due to the fact that people are pretty mad at you. But once the heat dies down, you can go right back to whatever it was you were doing all along. Seriously, you can relax. Oil executives, big bank CEOs—they’ve all been in that chair before and have come out totally fine. You have absolutely no reason to worry.” Several members of Congress went on to tell Zuckerberg there’s even a chance they could work together in the future on crafting legislation.
Mark Zuckerberg Apologizes To Congress For Not Realizing Scope Of His Genius #~# WASHINGTON—Taking full responsibility for the major oversight, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg apologized in his testimony to the House Energy and Commerce Committee Wednesday for not realizing the full scope of his genius. “At the time, I thought I was only making a simple tool to connect people and was completely unaware that my brilliance had the capability of creating something that would so dramatically reshape all of society, and for that I am truly sorry,” said Zuckerberg, adding that he was to blame for not anticipating the incredible depths of his own intellectual power from which his $500 billion brainchild sprung, transforming all areas of media, communication, business, and politics, globally and forever. “Were there signs I had the visionary potential to completely change the way humans interact and turn multiple industries on their heads? Sure, but I did not foresee the extent to which my immense skill and talent would make me the most important human being in modern history, and that’s on me.” Zuckerberg promised the committee that in the future, he would be more careful by assuming that every step he took would have acclaimed, revolutionary consequences.
Congress Demands To Know How Facebook Got People To Give Up Their Civil Liberties Without A Fight #~# WASHINGTON—Repeatedly hitting the tech CEO with questions about his social media site’s methodology, members of Congress demanded Wednesday that Mark Zuckerberg tell them exactly how Facebook got people to give up their civil liberties without a fight. “Mr. Zuckerberg, please explain in detail how you convinced people to voluntarily disclose their location, personal relationships, and interests without anyone protesting you,” said Rep. G.K. Butterfield (D-NC), echoing concerns of members from both parties on the House Energy and Commerce Committee as they sought to understand the means by which Zuckerberg was able to convince more than half of all Americans to relinquish their personal privacy with virtually no argument. “We want to make sure we have this right: Even after you admitted that your site sold people’s information for profit, could be manipulated to infringe on press freedom, and even convinced people who to vote for, there wasn’t much backlash at all? Could you just outline for us precisely how you can coerce people into believing what you want them to believe without arousing much suspicion or making them mad? Thank you.” At press time, Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) was asking Zuckerberg to walk Congress through how they could make the Patriot Act into a social media site.
Serial Killer Annoyed By Young Murderers With No Appreciation For Albert Fish #~# SEATTLE, WA—Saying they had no respect for the luminaries who had come before them and helped pave the bloody way, serial killer Gerald Pinkney expressed his annoyance Wednesday with young murderers who held no appreciation for innovative child rapist and cannibal Albert Fish. “Man, these millennials think they invented wholesale homicide, but they haven’t got a clue about the revolutionary work Fish was doing a century before they even came onto the scene,” said Pinkney, 52, expressing his frustration that the most recent generation of killers barely seemed aware of the notorious torture-killer who terrorized New York in the early 20th century. “The man did more using a saw, meat cleaver, and butcher knife than these youngsters could ever hope to with their power tools and dentistry instruments, but you try mentioning ‘The Moon Maniac’ or ‘The Werewolf Of Wysteria’ to them and they just give you this blank look. They’re all ‘Dahmer this,’ and ‘Gein that’—just no idea whatsoever that those guys were following in Fish’s footsteps. It’s total bullshit.” Pinkney added that he was doing his part to help educate bloodthirsty young sociopaths by making several direct references to Albert Fish in his latest work.
Russian Woman Embalmed Alive After Hospital Mix-Up #~# A woman in Ulyanovsk, Russia died in surgery after doctors accidentally embalmed her alive by putting her on a formaldehyde-based drip rather than saline one. What do you think?
Report: PyeongChang Olympic Athletes Already Falling Into State Of Disrepair #~# PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA—Decrying the rapid decay of what were planned to be pillars of the local community, PyeongChang officials confirmed Wednesday that only weeks after the Olympics, many of their athletes were already completely dilapidated. “The Olympics were supposed to be about building the future of South Korea, and yet many of these athletes are filthy, untended, and falling to pieces,” said Governor Choi Moon-soon, displaying pictures of the crumbling skiers and ice dancers who, recently pristine, have already been abandoned and left to rot. “The money we put into these state-of-the-art athletes could have gone to so many other things, but instead, we have a hockey team that nobody will ever see again and a bunch of broken-down bobsledders. This was a massive, multi-billion dollar investment in something that only mattered for a few weeks, and now neighborhoods are covered in debris from neglected Olympians.” Officials added that if something was not done to rescue these derelict athletes soon, they would have to be demolished.
Masturbating Mom Can’t Get Bobby Flay Southwestern Eggs Demo To Stop Buffering #~# ATLANTA—Frustrated that the video froze right as the chef started stirring in the poblano peppers, local mom Debbie Swanson reportedly had to stop masturbating Wednesday while she tried to get a Bobby Flay southwestern eggs demo to stop buffering. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, I’m so close! C’mon, just load already!” said Swanson as she used her free hand to refresh the video, straining to keep her momentum going by focusing on the sweaty, red-faced celebrity chef and restaurateur. “Fuck, don’t stop now. Garnish that bad boy up with some corn salsa, and then add salt to taste and take a bite, baby.” At press time, a trembling Swanson was thumbing through Jamie Oliver’s Super Food Family Classics in a desperate attempt to finish.
Mark Zuckerberg To Congress: ‘It Was My Mistake, And I'm Sorry’ #~# Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg apologized for Russian election interference and third-party use of user data on Tuesday in a testimony to Congress, telling lawmakers “it was my mistake, and I’m sorry.” What do you think?
Blood Drains From Mueller’s Face After Realizing Russia Investigation Might Go All The Way To White House #~# WASHINGTON—Realizing this thing might go a whole lot higher than anyone had imagined, Justice Department special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly grew pale Tuesday, the blood draining from his face, as he discovered his Russia investigation might lead all the way to the White House. “No, no, no, that can’t be right, because if that’s right, then we’re dealing with someone who could, at this very moment, be sitting in the Oval Office,” a trembling Mueller said as he grabbed an evidence folder from his desk and began to tack up photos of campaign associates, Russian oligarchs, and others accused of interference in the 2016 election, stopping to draw a large question mark on the only individual who could connect them all. “Dear God. I knew I was on to something big, but I didn’t know it was this big. Everyone on my team, all my prosecutors—I just hope I can trust them. Because this case points to one place, and one place only: The very top.” At press time, sources confirmed the former FBI director had looked out the window at the White House, drawn the blinds, searched his office for listening devices, and vomited into a trash can.
FBI Raids Michael Cohen’s Office To Get Closer Look At His Innovative, Thorough Legal Work #~# NEW YORK—Admitting they could not deny themselves a chance to glimpse a genius in action, FBI officials confirmed they raided the office of President Trump’s longtime lawyer Michael Cohen Monday so they could develop a deeper appreciation of his masterful legal work. “Yesterday afternoon, federal agents confiscated thousands of documents from Mr. Cohen in order to develop a better understanding of this consummate authority on the law by witnessing firsthand his subtle interpretive powers as an attorney,” said agency spokesperson Laura Milford, who added that the FBI immediately pored over Cohen’s meticulous, well-reasoned legal briefs, hoping to observe how the mind of such a great and conscientious professional operates. “It has been stunning to witness how he handles the president’s legal matters with both a commanding knowledge of the justice system and a passionate respect for the philosophical intricacies of jurisprudence. We couldn’t help but obtain a warrant to remove these papers and see what might be learned from the endeavors of such a highly principled individual.” The raid follows a similar operation conducted last year at Paul Manafort’s home, where the FBI seized material they hoped would allow them to see how a profound champion of global democracy goes about his work.
John Bolton Arrives In Office Excited To See So Many Familiar Wars #~# WASHINGTON—As he began his tenure serving as President Trump’s national security advisor, John Bolton reportedly arrived in the White House Tuesday excited to see so many familiar wars. “Afghanistan and Iraq are still here? Man, things haven’t changed a bit,” said a thrilled Bolton while making the rounds in the West Wing, adding how happy he was to see so many military conflicts he recognized from his time serving in the Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, and George W. Bush administrations. “Wow, I can’t believe how many of the old War on Terror military campaigns are still around—Northwest Pakistan, Somalia, Libya—great to see them all. And Yemen was barely even a conflict when I was last here, and now it’s really come into its own. There are a few promising hostilities I haven’t become acquainted with that I’ve been hearing good things about, too, but overall, it feels like I can just pick up right where I left off.” Bolton added that he was also excited to bring a few new wars aboard, mentioning North Korea, Iran, and Turkey as conflicts he wanted to work with.
Mike Pence Horrified By D.C. Cherry Trees Flagrantly Displaying Reproductive Organs #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing outrage at the crude, depraved perennials throughout the nation’s capitol, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly horrified Tuesday by the D.C. cherry trees flagrantly displaying their reproductive organs for all to see. “Oh, no, this is completely disgusting,” said a visibly agitated Pence, who rushed around urging nearby pedestrians to keep their heads bowed so as to avoid catching a glimpse of the exhibitionistic flora. “How are we supposed to get anything done with these perverted saplings waving their stamens around without any regard for decency? I understand that these trees need to reproduce, but it should be a private matter between a plant and its pollinator, not something that good, upstanding D.C. residents should be forced to endure. I’m afraid to say that these sick, pornographic displays in areas frequented by women and children serve as yet another troubling example of our country turning away from traditional family values.” At press time, Pence was reportedly comforted by the knowledge that before long, his administration’s environmental policies would put a stop to these trees’ licentious behavior.
Cyberattacks By The Numbers #~# Cyberattacks continue to rise in frequency and scope, affecting everyone from private citizens to corporations to city governments, with frequently embarrassing or distressing results. The Onion takes a look at some key facts about cybercrime.
Parents Spend First 4 Years Of Child’s Life Fluctuating Wildly Between Hoping Child Stays Asleep, Hoping Child Wakes Up #~# LAWRENCE, KS—In a report revealing new insights into early developmental psychology, researchers from the University of Kansas concluded Tuesday that parents spend much of the first four years of their child’s life fluctuating wildly between hoping their child stays asleep and hoping their child wakes up. “The vast majority of new parents, half insane with exhaustion, strongly desire that their child falls asleep; however, only hours later, rested and half insane with worry, they fervently wish to see their child wake once again,” said Dr. Frederick Kirk, lead author of the study, who noted that the median interim time between these two states—during which parents were indifferent to the consciousness of their infant children—was approximately 28 seconds. “Our study also observed several extreme instances in which parents would veer wildly between muttering, ‘Oh, goddammit,’ at the sound of the baby monitor and keening, ‘Oh, God, oh, God,’ when they heard nothing at all.” Kirk believes that this study may pave the way for research into other inexplicable parental behaviors, such as alternately hoping that a child eats followed by hoping that they stop eating so much, and, eventually, wishing that a teenager would do well in school but also desiring they get a job.
Entomologists Retract New Spider Species Discovery After Determining It Actually Just Clump Of Dust, Hair #~# ANNAPOLIS, MD—Apologizing profusely for failing to properly confirm their findings before going public, researchers from the Entomological Society of America retracted Tuesday their claims about the discovery of a new species of spider last week, admitting that the supposed arachnid was actually just a clump of dust and hair. “We definitely got a little ahead of ourselves on this one,” said ESA president Michael P. Parrella, noting that the specimen in question, Latrodectus graucus, “absolutely looked like a real spider” and even appeared to scurry away when approached by humans, though this behavior was later attributed to a slight draft from a partially open window. “Shoot, guys. When you’re wrong, you’re wrong. We noted in our paper that the cephalothorax resembled a coffee bean, and, well, sure enough, it was. The whole team was shocked when I tried to pick it up and it kind of just fell apart. Live and learn, I guess.” At press time, the researchers had decided to release the wad of detritus back into the wild “just in case.”
Giant Pandas No Longer Endangered Species #~# Owing to efforts by conservationists and local governments, the population of the giant panda rose 17 percent from 2004 to 2014, leading to the species being downgraded from endangered to vulnerable. What do you think?
‘You Are Donald Trump, 45th President Of The United States,’ Trump Reads From Faded Tattoo On Wrist #~# WASHINGTON—Waking in the same bleary-eyed state of confusion as he has every day of his Presidency, Donald Trump blinked at his unfamiliar surroundings and slowly shook his head several times before finding and reading the phrase, “You are Donald Trump, 45th president of the United States,” from a faded tattoo on his wrist this morning, White House sources confirmed. “You are commander in chief of the armed forces, you are a Republican, and your current wife’s name is Melania,” said a bleary, shirtless Trump, standing in front of a mirror and reading those words, as well as “Remember: Argue for immigration shutdown” and “Attack biased media,” from his completely ink-covered chest. “Rules for press conferences: evade criticisms by mentioning Hillary Clinton; smear protesters; Russia probe is witch hunt. Stephen M. and John K. are friends. All others may be dismissed/thrown under bus as necessary.” At press time, a glimmer of recognition could be seen in Trump’s eyes as he viewed a VHS tape he found on his dresser labeled “Good morning, Donald: Watch this,” which carefully detailed the 2016 election numbers and inauguration crowd size.
North Korea Ready To Discuss Denuclearization, Officials Say #~# Clearing the way for talks between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un, U.S. officials reported that North Korea is ready to discuss denuclearization. What do you think?
Annoyed Shohei Ohtani Had Hoped U.S. Baseball Players Wouldn’t Be This Bad #~# ANAHEIM, CA—Frustrated with the level of play he has encountered during his first week of competition in the American major leagues, Japanese baseball phenom Shohei Ohtani told reporters Monday that he’d hoped American players wouldn’t be this bad. “When I decided to leave Japan to sign with the [Los Angeles] Angels, I thought I’d have to push myself to compete at the next level, but this has all been way too easy,” said the 23-year-old after a dominant performance on the mound and the batter’s box, adding that his new peers were hardly a step up from the lowly Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks. “At first, I thought the guys were just messing with me, but when I homered three times in three days and took a perfect game into the seventh inning the day after that, well...Turns out I’m just better than everyone else. This honestly wasn’t even worth the money.” Reporters confirmed Ohtani seemed bored and listless throughout the interview, answering questions while tossing 94 mile-per-hour warm-up pitches in the bullpen with his off hand.
Facebook Informs Data Leak Victims Whether They Need To Burn Down House, Cut Off Fingerprints, Start Anew #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Taking it upon themselves to notify users of potential repercussions stemming from the site’s recent privacy breach, Facebook announced plans Sunday to inform victims of the Cambridge Analytica data leak whether they need to burn down their houses, cut off their fingerprints, and start their lives over in a new city. “We sincerely regret allowing foreign interests to steal users’ information, and the resulting understandable breakdown in trust that has occurred, but it’s time to stop focusing on that and concentrate on whether our valued users should abandon their old lives immediately and start fresh with a totally new, unsullied identity in a place where no one will recognize them,” said CEO Mark Zuckerberg, explaining that upon logging into Facebook, each user affected by the leak will receive a simple text notification urging them to convert all their assets into cash, undergo face-altering plastic surgery, and fake their own death by stealing a body from the morgue and burning it inside a car registered in their name. “We at Facebook feel it’s important to be completely transparent with our users regarding the extent to which their data has been compromised, and we promise to do better in the future. But right now, what the affected users need to know is that they have to run. Don’t take anything you can’t grab in 90 seconds. They’re coming right now, and you don’t have much time.” At press time, a terrified Zuckerberg was spotted frantically covering his hand with lye and burning his passport after discovering his data was part of the breach. 
Fans Excited As ‘Solo’ Trailer Sheds Light On Specifically How It Will Suck #~# NEW YORK—Expressing their excitement at the preview of the latest installment in the popular franchise, self-proclaimed Star Wars fans told reporters Monday that they were blown away by a newly released Solo trailer that sheds light on specifically how the upcoming film will suck. “In the past, they’ve teased at the way the new movie is going to completely blow, but the full-length trailer really shows so much more about how shitty and wooden Alden Ehrenreich will be as a young Han Solo working his way through a boilerplate origin story,” said fan Lynn Hayes, noting that while the producers have provided hints at the way Solo would be a giant crock of shit—such as substantial script rewrites and the original directors being fired mid-shoot—it was a “real treat” to see the new trailer reveal so much about how the cast’s total lack of chemistry and the cringe-inducing dialogue would make the film a complete train wreck. “The teaser definitely stoked a lot of speculation about whether the movie would be mediocre because of generic characters like Therm Scissorpunch, Ron Howard’s uneven direction, or meaningless fan service like showing Chewbacca hugging his wife. It’s cool to know that it’s all of those things, and a lot more, that are really going to make this movie fucking garbage.” Hayes was, however, worried the trailer might contain spoilers that rob fans of experiencing a surge of hollow disappointment while watching Solo for the first time.
Soybean Pissed After Learning Trade War Means Trip To China Canceled #~# DECATUR, IL—Expressing frustration after wasting so much time germinating, absorbing soil nutrients, and learning about the rich culture of the Hunan province, a local soybean was reportedly pissed Monday upon learning that the ongoing trade war meant its trip to China was canceled. “Christ, this is just my fucking luck,” said the 53-day-old legume, noting that ever since it had sprouted, it had always dreamed of leaving the Midwest and spending some time abroad in East Asia as a fermented bean paste. “My friends and I had this whole big trip planned, but now—who knows? It just sucks that I’m being punished for someone else’s dumb trade war. Now, instead of seeing the Great Wall, I’ll be stuck in some grain silo bored out of my goddamn mind.” At press time, the soybean reportedly sighed as it was ground into dull hamburger filler, just like its father.
Oat Farmer Seriously Thinking About Getting Into Barley #~# CARLISLE, IA—Calling the potential transition a drastic but much-needed change of pace, oat farmer Bill Gannon told reporters Monday he’s seriously thinking about getting into barley. “Obviously, cultivating oats will always have a special place in my heart, but recently I can’t help but wonder if harvesting barley is my true calling,” said Gannon, admitting that while it may seem “totally insane” to throw away the 40 years he had dedicated to a cereal grain primarily used as livestock feed, it was high time to take a leap of faith with a cereal grain prominently used as livestock feed and as an ingredient in beers and stews. “Sure, I will have to become accustomed to separating the seeds by a mere 20 to 25 cm instead of the 25 to 30 cm I’ve known all my mortal days, but, hey, you have only one life to live. God, am I just being rash? No, no, I’ve gone as far as I can with oats. It’s now or never—I need to just go all in and do it already!” At press time, a hyperventilating Gannon was considering perhaps playing it safe with soybeans until things settle down.
Unstable Couple Playing With Fire By Organizing Game Night #~# MIDVALE, UT—Tempting fate by putting together an evening of semi-competitive, semi-collaborative recreation, local unstable couple Molly and Jared Ball flouted common sense by organizing a game night for their friends Monday. “Man, those two are really hanging their asses in the wind with this game night,” said Amir Bitar, one of the invited friends, explaining that there was no way the peer group would get through an entire game of Scrabble intact after the way last week’s double date went down, not to mention March’s disastrous fondue party. “It’s honestly bald-faced arrogance for them to think we’ll be able to play even a single round of Apples To Apples. Seriously, they’re already on thin relationship ice, and now they make this crazy move? What the hell are they thinking playing fast and loose with their lives like this?” Upon the arrival of their guests later that evening, a strangely cowed Jared answered the door, told everyone that “Molly wasn’t feeling well,” and announced they would all be watching a movie instead.
Aging Father Struggling To Keep Family’s Personal Failings Straight #~# DELRAY BEACH, FL—Attributing the recent drop-off in cognition to his advanced age, relatives of Arnold Simmons told reporters Monday that the 74-year-old was now noticeably struggling to keep the personal failings of all his family members straight. “It’s so sad hearing this once-vibrant man call my brother Peter an out-of-work bum when he’s always been so sharp at recognizing Peter as a workaholic who ignores his family, and it’s actually my brother Rob who sits around all day living off the settlement from his car accident two years ago,” said Julie Neidermeyer, Simmon’s eldest daughter, who noted that her father has always been “sharp as a whip” about the family’s foibles, flaws, past mistakes, and embarrassments nobody had thought about in years. “The hardest part is how quickly he’s going. Just last Christmas, dad was reminding everyone that I was the one who dropped out of college in my second semester, but this year, he wouldn’t stop accusing my sister, an alcoholic cardiologist, of never getting her degree.” Neidermeyer added that all she could do was listen as her father railed against his emotionally distant, absentee dad before gently reminding him that he was actually describing himself.
New Honda Commercial Openly Says Your Kids Will Die In A Car Crash If You Buy A Different Brand #~# TORRANCE, CA—Touting the vehicle as the best in its class for preventing the gruesome demise of offspring, a commercial for the 2018 Honda City that premiered Monday openly tells viewers that their kids will die in a car crash if they buy a different brand. “With Honda, you can rest easy knowing your son or daughter won’t be hurled through the windshield and splattered on the side of the road,” says a narrator during the 30-second ad spot, describing the SUV’s safety features such as the Lane Keeping Assist System and Adaptive Cruise Control over footage of competitor vehicles being engulfed in flames and careening over bridges with the terrified faces of middle schoolers pressed against the windows. “We’re continuing to develop new technologies to ensure you’ll get to see Billy or Jessica graduate from college instead of lying awake every night cursing yourself for risking your little angels’ safety with some poorly made death trap. That’s why the Insurance Institute For Highway Safety named us as a Top Safety Pick for 2017.” The ad reportedly concludes with the manufacturer’s new slogan, “Honda: Never settle for pulling your child’s charred corpse from a twisted hunk of steel.”
Hotel Forgives Guest After Flock Of Seagulls Destroyed Room In 2001 #~# The Fairmont Empress Hotel has forgiven a guest 17 years after he left a suitcase filled with pepperoni sticks by an open window, thereby attracting a flock of seagulls and causing the room’s destruction. What do you think?
‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ Celebrates 50th Anniversary #~# Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey hit U.S. theaters 50 years ago this week, changing sci-fi filmmaking forever with its stunning setpieces and psychedelic visuals. What do you think?
PGA Officials Break Up Crowd Of Rowdy Fans Committing Commodities Fraud In Augusta National Parking Lot #~# AUGUSTA, GA—Noting that the out-of-control individuals harassed numerous female attendees and sent the world price of eggs and pork into a free fall, PGA officials reportedly had to break up a crowd of rowdy fans who were committing commodities fraud Friday in the Augusta National’s parking lot. “We’ve received multiple complaints from visitors about a group of loud fans dressed in designer suits who were throwing beer cans and shouting into their phones to manipulate the soybean futures market,” said Masters head of security Peter Novello, who claimed that when approached by officials, the intoxicated men quickly scattered, leaving behind half-empty bottles of Macallan scotch and reams of overseas bank account information. “These individuals were belligerent, screaming obscenities at bystanders and demanding they invest their life savings in dummy corporations. We had to eject several fans who were gathered in a circle behind the clubhouse, getting in fist fights and throwing down their clients’ entire portfolio on roll-of-the-dice tech investments.” PGA sources confirmed that despite dispersing the group as quickly as possible, the rowdy fans had already managed to cause $5,000 in property damage and had defrauded investors for more than $27 million.
Kobe Bryant Creates Foundation To Help Children Struggling With Severe Narcissism #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to destigmatize the condition of those who live with pathological self-centeredness, former basketball great Kobe Bryant held a press conference Friday to announce the launch a new foundation to help children struggling with severe narcissism. “I’ve dealt with this condition my whole life, so I feel a personal responsibility to help these kids who suffer from extreme selfishness,” said the five-time NBA champion, adding that children born without empathy should never feel ashamed, but encouraged to embrace their egotistical nature. “So many kids have to deal with grandiose views of their own talents, yet they don’t have anyone guiding them. I wish I’d had this kind of help back in high school when I was craving attention and screaming at my teammates. I’m just glad I can use my platform to teach young people that they deserve preferential treatment and constant, unwavering admiration.” Bryant added that while starting the foundation had been an amazing experience, it would have been a lot easier if the people working for him could actually follow orders and learn to do their jobs right.
Study Finds Eating Doctor After Birth Can Provide Essential Nutrients To New Mothers #~# HOUSTON—Emphasizing the practice’s many health benefits, a new study released Friday by the Baylor College of Medicine found that new mothers who ate their doctor after birth were able to reabsorb many essential nutrients and minerals lost during the delivery process. “Among women who had just gone through labor, those who chose to immediately ingest their ob-gyn saw their body’s iron, calcium, and protein levels recover at rates much faster than those who did not,” said lead researcher Linda Kalb, who noted that those who also consumed a small fraction of their medical team, even an attending nurse, experienced fewer instances of postpartum depression on average and enjoyed marked improvements in mother–infant bonding. “While it’s certainly not for everyone, and actively frowned upon in certain communities, many women say that they find it both primal and empowering to eat their delivering physician. As it’s grown in popularity, we’ve even seen mothers start the process as early as in the hospital room.” Kalb added that research on the topic remains fairly new, and most doctors remain highly opposed to the idea.
KitchenAid Unveils Spring-Loaded Toaster That Allows Rad High Schoolers To Grab Breakfast In Midair While Leaving House #~# BENTON HARBOR, MI—Touting the appliance as a fun new way for kids to speed up their mornings, KitchenAid unveiled a spring-loaded toaster Friday that is designed to enable rad high school students to grab a piece of toast in midair on their way out of the house. “This sleek, state-of-the-art pop-up toaster has been engineered to launch a piece of perfectly golden toast exactly 36 inches into the air, so it lands directly in the open hand of a wicked cool teen who is then able to exit through the front door without breaking stride,” said KitchenAid spokesperson Maya Caravigilia, adding that the toaster uses a patented millisecond timer to propel the toast upward at the precise moment, just after a totally awesome high schooler has slid down a banister, flipped their hat backward, and carelessly slung a backpack over one shoulder. “We get how uncool it is to eat breakfast unless you’re chowing down on a piece of toast while skateboarding around a mailman on the sidewalk who yells and shakes his fist at you as all his letters go flying. With its speed and midair reliability, our new toaster lets super-hip teens simply roll out of bed and head to school, causing elderly neighbors sitting on their porches to grumble about kids these days.” KitchenAid also announced the release of a constantly malfunctioning toaster guaranteed to burn toast to a blackened char for lame, uptight dads running late on their way to the office.
Kid Putting Pencils Between Knuckles About To Fuck Someone Up #~# SEABROOK, NH—Warning that the real-life Wolverine was about to start some serious shit, third-grade sources reported Friday that Michael Handley, the kid on the other side of the playground putting pencils between his knuckles, was about to fuck someone up. “Man, I would not mess with that kid if I were you,” reported classmate Jacob Frisch, explaining how Handley gathered three standard wooden pencils, sharpened them all the way, and began carefully fitting one between each of his fingers, demonstrating to all onlookers that he is seriously not fucking around about murking some poor chump. “Whoa, look at his eyes. I feel bad for anyone unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of that. A guy who would do that with pencils wouldn’t think twice about taking someone’s life.” At press time, the entire class was hoping against hope that the teacher would avert catastrophe by telling Handley to cut it out.
Exercising Woman Really Starting To Feel The Burn Of Lifelong Injury Developing #~# RALEIGH, NC—Expressing excitement at the long-term benefits of her new workout routine, exercising woman Brianna Newton reported Friday that she was really beginning to feel the burn of a lifelong injury developing. “Oh, yeah—I’m definitely starting to feel some results [from my repeated misuse of the treadmill and poor running technique],” said Newton, pausing to increase the treadmill’s incline by several more inches before proceeding with the daily jogging routine that will leave her with chronic Achilles tendonitis before age 40. “I’ve really been pushing myself [past the point of irreversible tendon damage] lately, but I know the results will be worth really focusing to go as hard as I can. Sometimes it hurts, but I’m not going to give up [until I inevitably tear my ACL and require major surgery to graft new tissue at the site where my shredded ligament tore away from the bone, leaving me on crutches for several months and limiting my mobility for the rest of my life].” At press time, Newton had taken a quick break to stretch out her arms and shoulders before resuming an intense leg workout.
Retired Pope Benedict Pledges To Donate Soul For Ecclesiastic Research #~# VATICAN CITY—In a charitable act he hoped would protect future pontiffs from suffering the same spiritual fate that he had endured, retired Pope Benedict XVI pledged his soul to the Vatican Friday for purposes of ecclesiastic research following his death. “As a former Bishop of Rome, my soul has been exposed to spiritual conditions one only experiences while sitting on the Chair of Saint Peter,” said the Pontiff, whose abstract spiritual essence will be archived alongside hundreds of papal souls such as Pope Innocent IX and Pope John Paul II in the Vatican’s Apostolic Soul research library, where it will be dissected and studied for insight into the long-term effects of papacy on the immortal spirit. “Obviously, when you join the clergy you consciously accept certain risks. But the more the experts at the Vatican can learn about how, say, the Light of Christ in your soul diminishes year after year in the Holy See, the more we can do to prevent that in future High Pontiffs.” The former pope added that his soul would do far more good in the Vatican’s research department than wasting away in the run-down celestial ghetto to which Popes are consigned in the event they reach Heaven.
U.S. Marshals Arrest Designers Of Water Slide That Decapitated Rider #~# Federal agents arrested the designers of the Schlitterbahn water slide in Kansas City that decapitated a 10-year-old rider. What do you think?
Mueller Tells Trump He’s Not Under Criminal Investigation #~# Special Counsel Robert Mueller told President Trump that he is a subject—but not a criminal target—in the ongoing Russia investigation, though experts say this may be a ploy to lull the president into a false sense of security. What do you think?
Black Father Gives Son The Talk About Holding Literally Any Object #~# NORRISTOWN, PA—Deciding his firstborn was old enough to learn about the cultural dangers of having things in his hands, African American dad Aaron Mitchell pulled his son aside Thursday to have “the talk” about holding literally any object. “Listen, son, it’s time you learned how to conduct yourself in public. It may not make sense to you now, but you need to keep your hands empty at all times. And you might not like this, but for your mother’s and my sake, keep your pockets empty, too?” Mitchell said to his 12-year-old son, Aaron Jr., adding that his father had imparted the same advice to him. “You don’t want to give the impression that you have an object on you. Matter of fact, I don’t want you hanging out with those neighbor kids who are always carrying things. I know they’re your friends, but trust me, if you get in trouble with the law, the cops can say you were a known associate of individuals known to hold things, and therefore you were holding an object by association.” At press time, Mitchell was hastily confiscating the objects strewn around his son’s bedroom.
Report: This Not A Gun #~# NEW YORK—In a discovery that flies in the face of conventional law enforcement wisdom of what does and does not constitute a deadly firearm, weapons and non-weapons experts alike reported Thursday that an array of objects including but not limited to steel pipes, wallets, and cell phones are not, in fact, guns. “After extensive research and careful analysis, we can definitively state that these objects are not guns and cannot inflict harm by firing bullets,” said head researcher Jerome Morvis, whose team found no reason why, despite obvious differences in the size, shape, and color of the objects in question, the items so often appear as firearms to the not-completely-untrained eye. “To any law enforcement officer unsure about the object a civilian is holding, we recommend looking at the firearm in your own hand and looking back for parallels between its physical qualities and those of the object in a suspect’s hands. If you find no similarities, the object does not pose an immediate danger.” In related news, the experts have released a guide to help law enforcement officials discern the difference between a gun and an African American man’s empty, upraised hand.
Cows Go Extinct #~# WASHINGTON—In a deeply disturbing finding that has sent shockwaves throughout the nation and the world, officials from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service confirmed Thursday that cows have gone extinct. 
Fuming Rachel Maddow Spends Entire Show Just Pointing Wildly At Picture Of Putin #~# NEW YORK—Enraged to the point that she was no longer able to form words, a fuming Rachel Maddow spent an entire episode of her show Thursday just pointing wildly at a picture of Russian president Vladimir Putin. For the first segment of the program, the political pundit reportedly jabbed her finger at Putin’s photo as her facial expression shifted from angry to sad, then back to angry, and finally to disgust. When she returned from a commercial break, Maddow was already shaking her head indignantly, proceeding to alternate between gesturing impatiently at the Russian leader and pointing directly at the camera. Sources later confirmed that the seething television host concluded the episode by sitting across from a guest who had written a book about Putin, which she grabbed out of the author’s hands and slammed down on her desk six times in a row before shaking her head and muttering unintelligibly. At press time, MSNBC sources confirmed that Maddow’s ratings had reached an all-time high.
ICE Agents Feeling A Little Hurt That Trump Doesn’t Think They’re Doing Enough To Terrorize Hispanics #~# FLORENCE, AZ—Saying they’d like to see the National Guard try to do a better job, thousands of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents told reporters Thursday that it kind of hurts their feelings to know President Trump doesn’t think they’re doing enough to terrorize Hispanic people. “He must not understand just how hard we work to ensure that anybody who looks even vaguely Mexican gets nervous when they go out in public around here,” said Arizona-based ICE agent Blake Shearer, who added that it feels “pretty shitty” to “bust [his] ass” every day, dragging people out of schools and hospitals, only to have the president conclude the work he and his colleagues are doing just isn’t cutting it. “What more does this guy want? For God’s sake, I deported a U.S. Army veteran yesterday. How many mothers do we have to pull away from screaming children before he says, ‘Hey, guys, great job’? I’m happy to keep doing this regardless, but a little recognition would be nice.” Members of ICE’s Enforcement and Removal Operations went on to state that they are human beings like everyone else and deserve to be treated with a basic level of dignity and respect.
How Trade Wars Work #~# In response to President Trump imposing tariffs on aluminum and steel imports, China implemented reciprocal tariffs on over 100 American-made goods, igniting fears of a trade war. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide of how trade wars begin, escalate, and affect economies.
Gynecologists Recommend Taking Time Off Between IUDs To Allow Body To Expel Backlogged Periods #~# ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to promote optimal women’s health, gynecologists at the Mayo Clinic recommended Thursday taking time off between IUDs to allow the body to expel backlogged periods. “We advise that before inserting a new Mirena or Liletta, a woman should give her body a break to flush out the months upon months of blood and mucosal tissue that have been steadily building up inside her,” said Dr. Nancy Windus, noting that after the removal of the old intrauterine device, a woman’s body naturally begins to slough off the roughly five dozen uterine linings festering within her. “Allowing all that stagnant blood to release is essential to gynecological health and gives the uterus a chance to recover from the approximately 60 menstruations it’s been waiting to discharge. Furthermore, it’s always better to begin a new birth control regimen with a fresh, unclogged endometrium.” Gynecologists also confirmed that while IUDs are highly effective, in rare circumstances, it is possible for all five years worth of accumulated eggs to become fertilized.
Study Reveals 93% Of Americans Don’t Know Their Congressperson Truly, Utterly, The Way Only Two Souls Entwined Can #~# STANFORD, CA—Saying representatives and senators alike must find time to usher their constituents out of their lonely, dark isolation with the guiding light of an elected official’s love, a study released Thursday by Stanford University revealed that 93 percent of Americans don’t truly know their congressperson, not utterly, not in the way only two souls entwined can be known to one another. “According to a comprehensive survey conducted in districts across the country, less than 10 percent of voters feel their bond with any of their congressional representatives has been tempered in passion’s forge, shaped and molded by forces so intense as to meld their souls into a singular, eternal being, transcendent and pure,” wrote head researcher Lawrence Fekmule in the study, which found that the vast majority of voters were unable to even guess at the deepest desires locked, smoldering liked baked coals, dormant in their legislators’ hearts, waiting only to be sparked into light and heat—ferocious, insistent, all-consuming heat—by a connection with their constituency so profound and absolute and, yes, so right, that everything else ceases to matter or even exist except for that true fire. “When going to the polls, it’s unlikely that voters will have made an effort to speak with their candidate—actually speak, you know, talking to them for hours on end, until it’s so late it’s early, and dinner has somehow become breakfast, and they should be tired, but really, staying up together is better than sleep, better than anything. Why go to bed, or really, why go anywhere when you can go to a town hall, look your congressperson in the eyes, and become lost as a rush of pure wonder draws you into a union that transcends space and time?” Fekmule added that, sadly, the encroaching influence of Washington’s special interests made it increasingly likely that American voters will forever wander in the cold desolation of their own inner night, forever searching in that dry, bitter darkness for a relationship with their congressperson that can never be.
A’s Unveil Groundbreaking New Tarp Renovation For Oakland Coliseum #~# OAKLAND, CA—Describing the massive, water-resistant sheet as a “major step forward” in the stadium’s rain deferral technology, the Oakland Athletics unveiled a groundbreaking new tarp renovation Thursday for the Oakland Coliseum. “This state-of-the-art tarp is going to bring the A’s ground maintenance capabilities into the 21st century,” said owner John J. Fisher, explaining that the tarp, made from an innovative high-tensile woven polyester fabric, was the biggest renovation the team has undertaken in three decades and will replace the outdated tarp that the stadium had used since 1972. “We are committed to giving the A’s fans the best experience possible, and this tarp is tougher and more waterproof than anything available—there is no other tarp like it in Major League Baseball. We think fans are really going to love the reduced moisture content of the infield, and we hope that this new tarp will make the Oakland As much more competitive at drawing in top-name groundskeepers.” Fisher also revealed the new tarp is just the first phase of a larger stadium renovation plan that would see the bathroom floors of the main concourse completely re-spackled by 2022.
Japanese TV Station Launches First-Ever Android News Anchor #~# Japanese broadcaster Nippon has launched a news-broadcasting android named Erica Aoi to deliver the news using an advanced artificial speech system on several daily shows, telling reporters in a press conference that she is so realistic that she “appears to have a soul.” What do you think?
Woman Who Choked To Death Alone In Apartment Kicked Out Of Book Club For Missing Last 2 Meetings #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—Deciding to expel longtime member Colleen Ashford for missing the last two meetings, participants in a local book club reportedly remained unaware Thursday that she had choked to death alone in her apartment several days prior. “I mean, one absence we can understand—we’ve all been there—but now it’s two in a row with absolutely no excuse for not showing up,” said book club member Leslie Turis to the agreement of the others, all of whom were ignorant of the fact that Ashford suffocated on a pretzel lodged in her throat, spent the last few seconds of her life in utter panic, and ultimately collapsed in her hallway with her hand outstretched in a last, desperate attempt to seek help. “Look, if she didn’t like the book, that’s fine, but the least she could do is call and tell us she’s not coming, right? It was her turn to bring a snack this week, too. That’s just so inconsiderate. I guess some people just can’t take this book club seriously.” Turis later added that she was actually kind of grateful they wouldn’t have to put up with Ashford’s “flighty bullshit” anymore at the same moment that the dead woman’s cat began to eat her face.
Reddit Announces Redesign #~# Reddit has rolled out its first major redesign in nearly a decade, giving its 230 million users a chance to access the website in a way designers hope is simpler and more accessible, without “altering the scaffolding” that has made it popular. What do you think?
MLK’s Family Urges Nation To Spend Anniversary Of His Death Twisting His Words To Fit Own Political Agendas #~# ATLANTA—Calling on Americans to misinterpret absolutely everything the martyred activist stood for, the family of Martin Luther King Jr. urged the nation Wednesday to spend the 50th anniversary of his death twisting the civil rights icon’s words to advance their own individual agendas. “It is my sincerest hope that Americans will take time on this somber day to reflect on how my father’s message can be manipulated to lend credence to their specific political viewpoints,” said son Dexter Scott King, who observed that people taking Dr. King’s remarks out of context in order to prop up an argument about a given current event is exactly what the late Baptist minister and Nobel Peace Prize laureate would have wanted. “Whether you are liberal or conservative, Democrat or Republican, it would mean the world to us if you could exploit my father’s memory as a means to put your opponents in their place. All we ask is that you post a meme with his photo and something he said—or, for that matter, didn’t say—to justify your beliefs.” King added that should any companies feel compelled to pervert the legacy of his father to further their corporate interests, that would be even better.
Authorities Fear YouTube Shooter Might Inspire Wave Of Copycat Content Creators #~# SAN BRUNO, CA—Cautioning against the possibility that disturbed video bloggers may seek to emulate the actions of Nasim Aghdam, law enforcement authorities released a statement on Wednesday addressing fears that the YouTube shooter may inspire a wave of copycat content creators. “As guardians of public safety, we can’t help but worry that the attention this unfortunate, depraved individual has attracted may motivate others like her to step in front of a green screen and inflict their prank videos, makeup tutorials, and self-written rap parodies on hundreds of innocent people,” San Bruno police officer Matthew Conway said in a press conference this morning, during which he also requested that those following the story carefully refrain from watching or sharing the shooter’s incredibly disturbing videos. “Unfortunately, there is no shortage of people with a predisposition to throw on a crazy wig, step in front of a camera, and attempt to go viral, almost always with tragically catastrophic results. Given the wide availability of smartphones and laptop cameras, it’s only a matter of time before some sick individual tries to duplicate Aghdam’s actions. We can only offer our condolences to the estimated one in four Americans who have already fallen victim to such content and work to prevent it from happening again.” Conway also provided the number of an anonymous hotline to help any at-risk individuals who may contemplate turning to YouTube video production.
‘Roseanne’ Taping Repeatedly Interrupted By Reporters Trying To Interview Members Of White Working Class #~# LOS ANGELES—Frustrating the producers who had to keep stopping due to the steady stream of journalists walking on set, sources confirmed that a taping of a Roseanne episode was repeatedly interrupted Wednesday by reporters trying to interview members of the white working class. “We’re forced to call cut every five minutes when another New York Times reporter shows up and asks Roseanne what it’s like to be a member of the white working class who feels left behind and supports President Trump,” said director John Pasquin, adding that they had only gotten through one scene the day before because reporters from the Los Angeles Times and CNN barged in to ask John Goodman about his experience living in “real America” and whether he thinks Trump has done a good job so far. “We were trying to do a scene about the grandson’s problems being bullied at school, and there’s a knock on the door—it’s supposed to be the guy who Darlene’s dating, but it was just another goddamn journalist from the Washington Post who wanted to interview everyone about the role of automation in the decline of the working class. Just this morning, we discovered some guy from PBS embedded in the living room set. If I hear the phrase ‘beaten-down America’ one more time, I’m gonna lose it.” At press time, security was trying to remove a Newsweek reporter who was asking the cast about their experiences living in a district Trump won by 26 percent.
Archivists Discover Unpublished Michael Crichton Manuscript About Amusement Park That Operates Without A Hitch #~# LOS ANGELES—Hailing the text as a fascinating addition to the author’s established oeuvre, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Michael Crichton announced Wednesday that they had uncovered an unpublished manuscript about an amusement park that operates without a hitch. “This is an incredible find,” said researcher Keith Dunbar, telling reporters that the unreleased 435-page novel, titled Techno-Land, centers on an innovative theme park in the near future that holds its opening day without anything major going wrong. “This novel can easily stand alongside anything else Crichton has produced. Whether it’s the rides running smoothly, families remaining together throughout the duration of their stay, or the state-of-the-art security system functioning as intended, this book has it all. There’s one nail-biting scene where dozens of people start swarming the churro stand, and the employees are worried that they’re going to run out of churros, but then at the last second they find another canister of batter in the back. And I don’t want to give too much away, but there’s a subplot involving a rogue employee who considers sabotaging the park before ultimately turning his frustration into productive discussions with management that fans are going to flip for.” Dunbar added that despite it having been written more than 20 years ago, the novel was remarkably prescient in its depiction of a society that blindly placed its faith in science and reaped no consequences whatsoever.
Yankees Eliminate Longstanding ‘No Pubic Hair’ Policy #~# NEW YORK—After years of complaints from players and fans over the outmoded mandate, the New York Yankees announced Wednesday they would eliminate the organization’s longstanding “no pubic hair” policy. “Effective this season, we are removing most of the restrictions on members of the New York Yankees growing their pubic hair,” said co-chairman Hal Steinbrenner, who admitted that while the rule had been an important part of Yankee culture since the 1960s, ownership felt it was no longer necessary or in keeping with modern society’s more relaxed attitude towards pubic hair. “When this policy was enacted, pubic hair was considered sloppy and unprofessional, but we recognize that times have changed. We will still maintain some strict rules about the length and styling, but as long as it’s clean and trim, players are now free to do as they want with their pubic hair.” Steinbrenner went on to deny any claims that the pubic hair policy was abolished to lure Bryce Harper next offseason.
25-Year-Old Moving Into Comfortable, Rent-Free Arrangement In Parents’ Home Worried He’s Hit Rock Bottom #~# CLEVELAND—Speculating that he had quite possibly reached the lowest point in his life thus far, 25-year-old Jeremy Garcia admitted he was worried he had hit rock bottom Wednesday after moving into a comfortable, rent-free arrangement in his parents’ house. “I’m deeply ashamed...I have no idea how I let things get this bad,” said Garcia, who is not addicted to intravenous drugs, struggling with a gambling problem, or involved in criminal activity, but merely “needed some time to regroup” after graduating from college, which his parents paid for in full. “I could be hanging out with my friends right now, but instead, I’m stuck here, eating the dinner my mom cooks and pays for every night. I mean, at least there’s no way it could possibly get any worse.” At press time, Garcia had retreated to his clean, well-lighted room to brood after his parents reassured him that it was his home, too, and he could stay there as long as he wanted.
Family Has Way Too Many Daughters For Them Not To Have Been Trying For Son #~# JUNEAU, AK—Saying it was clear the parents never intended to have such a large brood, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Greene family has way too many daughters for them not to have been trying for a son. “Obviously, after Jess and Katie, they started to get desperate for a boy, otherwise they wouldn’t have had Ashley,” said family friend Lisa Contreras, who noted that the Greenes showed no signs of stopping even though they were both nearing 40 and had daughters in daycare, elementary school, and middle school. “I thought for sure they’d be done once Sophia was born, but then a year and a half later, along came Charlie. For everyone’s sake, I hope the fifth time’s the charm.” Sources later confirmed that the Greenes had posted a photo of pink balloons on Facebook to announce their latest pregnancy.
Key To Living Longer May Be Severe Calorie Reduction #~# A new study found that by cutting 25 percent of the calories in their meals, individuals were able to make their metabolism more efficient and decrease free radicals, and may thereby live longer. What do you think?
I’m Sort Of The Abusive Mom Of My Friend Group #~# Ever since high school, my friends and I have had our own little roles to play within our group. Elise is the stylish one, Jen is the smart one, Yasmin is the party animal, and me? Well, my gal pals can always count on me for tough love, candid advice, my fiercely protective nature, and the cruel, calculated manipulation tactics I use to keep them all in check. 
New ‘Cut Off Your Genitals’ Challenge Gains Popularity Among Teens Online #~# MILWAUKEE—Noting an unprecedented increase in the number of cases involving juveniles with self-inflicted knife wounds, representatives from the Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin confirmed Wednesday that the internet’s new “Cut Off Your Genitals” challenge has become very popular among teenagers. “We are disappointed to report this online fad is both spreading quickly and is pretty much exactly what its name implies,” said trauma surgeon Rebecca Garland, adding that nearly 70 percent of teens treated in the nation’s intensive care units last month reported having recently filmed themselves using a serrated blade to detach their genitals, which they then threw at an unsuspecting friend as a prank. “Many young people think this is just some fun thing everyone is doing on social media, at least until they end up in the emergency room with a gaping, infected laceration of the crotch. These kids need to understand that the decision to cut off your penis or vagina can have lifelong consequences. It’s no laughing matter.” While reiterating their concerns, physicians acknowledged that the current fad is not nearly as dangerous to youths as last year’s “Gouge Your Eyes Out, Swallow Them Whole, Puke Them Back Up, And Then Have Your Retinas Surgically Reattached” challenge, which, to date, no one has successfully completed. 
Sinclair Forces Dozens Of Local News Anchors To Recite Same Script #~# Revealing the sway of the media giant, Sinclair Broadcast Group made dozens of local anchors recite a promo in which they railed against “fake news” and delivered what have been seen by many as pro-Trump talking points. What do you think?
Oklahoma Leaders Claim Teachers’ Strike Betrays Values Of Nation’s 1914 Founding By Abraham Lincoln And Orville Redenbacher #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Calling the demands to fully fund schools “a slap in the face” to the great men who built this country, Oklahoma state leaders denounced the ongoing teachers’ strike Tuesday for betraying the values upon which Abraham Lincoln and Orville Redenbacher founded America in 1914. “This goes against everything the pioneers of this proud nation stood for when they triumphed over British tyranny at Pearl Harbor to win our independence from the communists,” said Gov. Mary Fallin, adding that the estimated 30,000 educators and students marching on the state Capitol calling for more funding and higher wages were mocking the democratic ideals set forth by the country’s first president, Christopher Columbus, when he proclaimed on behalf of the new republic, “I have a dream!” “What these teachers are doing is an affront to everything Neil Armstrong was fighting for when he led his troops to victory against Hitler during the Battle of Little Bighorn. It also goes against the 13th Amendment, which clearly states, ‘Honor thy mother and father.’” Fallin went on to remark that she had no doubt the carved faces of John D. Rockefeller, Cotton Mather, Will Rogers, and Tom Sawyer were looking down with grave disapproval from their rocky perch atop Space Mountain.
Recently Discovered 13,000-Year-Old Footprints Reveal Humans Danced The Charleston Earlier Than First Thought #~# CALVERT ISLAND, BRITISH COLUMBIA—In a discovery that defies all current theories concerning when developing humans began to kick up their heels, researchers confirmed Tuesday that a recently discovered set of distinctively patterned footprints found preserved in 13,000-year-old Canadian mud may reveal humans danced the Charleston much earlier than first thought. “Before now, we had only been able to trace the Charleston back to a few years before its heyday in the 1920s, but with this new evidence, we can confidently posit that early humans were performing a rudimentary Lindy hop-style step with their best gals as early as the Mesolithic age,” said University of Victoria anthropologist Allison Iao, who emphasized that the footprints’ repeating pressure and spacing patterns clearly indicated early humans’ surprisingly sophisticated knowledge of alternating rearward toe-taps and, in some cases, even shimmies, dips, and spins. “While it’s true that these humans were performing a somewhat primitive version of the moves we know today—their jazz was probably not hot enough to really ‘swing’ as we know it—this breakthrough leaves no question that early humans were hooting, hollering, and cutting a rug long before the birth of what archaeologists heretofore considered the first jazz baby.” Iao later confirmed that this development is the most significant of its kind since the 1987 discovery of a sequential series of footprints in the igneous rock of Hawaii’s Mauna Kea volcano provided evidence of mankind’s earliest known conga line.
Pros And Cons Of Standing Desks #~# Standing desks are becoming more popular in workplaces where employees would otherwise sit all day, but not everyone thinks a standing desk is right for them. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of using a standing desk.
New Poll Finds Public Becoming More Skeptical Of Profit-Driven Corporate Data Mine Powered By Human Misery #~# WASHINGTON—In what experts say is a slight cooling in attitudes towards the blatantly amoral enterprise of emotional exploitation, a new Gallup poll released Tuesday found that the public is becoming more skeptical of the profit-oriented corporate data mine powered by human misery that currently dominates the online space. “Our survey revealed that nearly 70 percent of respondents admitted having ‘some reservations’ or ‘very strong reservations’ concerning the malevolent emotional feedback machine relying on their deepest fears and insecurities to generate advertising revenue, and 85 percent of those respondents in turn resented the psychological manipulation tactics employed to create a deep sense of insecurity in users to ensure they compulsively keep coming back to their website, therefore allowing the dispassionately sadistic entity to harvest their personal data, oftentimes without permission, in order to compound their vampiric earnings,” said head researcher Jasmine Salhi, noting that the vast majority of respondents reported a growing disinclination to trust a greed-fueled information farm that flouts international law and practices ethically questionable business tactics. “Of the users polled, four out of 10 claim to be somewhat wary of the collective vitriolic cesspit dumbing down the way humans interact and rewiring the brains of entire societies so that a tiny group of people makes a huge profit. Moreover, six out of 10 participants have some regret about using a platform that exposes them to an unending torrent of negativity, hosting vileness ranging from videos of flagrant murders to world leaders threatening thermonuclear war as part of their fanatical quest to make as much money as possible.” Nearly all poll respondents said they planned to spend one to four hours per day on the site.
Are You Really Just Going To Lie There? #~# Hey, baby, I don’t want to ruin the mood right when things are starting to heat up, but is something wrong? It seems like maybe you’re not all that into it tonight. Don’t misunderstand me—I love to please you. That’s what I’m here for, you know that. But I guess what I’m wondering is, well, are you really just going to lie there the whole time?
Woman Knows Exactly Which Knife She’d Grab Out Of Cutlery Drawer In Event Of Home Invasion #~# AUSTIN, TX—Confident she could defend herself if an intruder ever broke into her home, local woman Annie Stover told reporters Tuesday that in such an event, she would instantly reach for the 6-inch chef’s knife over any other blade in her cutlery drawer. “It’s small enough to be nice and handy, and with its curved blade and pointed tip, I should be able to slash and stab pretty easily,” said Stover, who confirmed she had ruled out both a meat cleaver and a pair of kitchen shears for being too unwieldy and possibly not cutting deep enough to immobilize an attacker. “If the intruder wasn’t too tall, I might also consider gouging his eye out with a carving fork, though I think I’d still feel safer with the chef’s knife. I just got it a few months ago, so it’s still really sharp. It’s the perfect weapon, really.” At press time, sources reported that whichever implement Stover chose, there was no question a criminal entering her home would succeed in disarming her immediately.
Author Says Kellyanne Conway Is ‘Number One Leaker’ In White House #~# In an interview Sunday, journalist Ronald Kessler said that Kellyanne Conway, counselor to President Trump, is the “number one leaker” in the White House. What do you think?
Study: Coffee Drinkers At Far Higher Risk Of Having Mug Crash To Floor In Slow Motion After Hearing Their Father Is Dead #~# BERKELEY, CA—In a new study that explores the potentially traumatic effects of habitual caffeine consumption when combined with life-altering news, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley confirmed Tuesday that coffee drinkers are at a dramatically increased risk of having their mugs crash to the floor in slow motion upon hearing their father has died. “We’ve found significant evidence that drinking even one cup of coffee daily exposes you to increased risk of your mug slowly falling from your suddenly lifeless grasp in the moments after you learn of your father’s untimely passing—whether from a tearful family member, a kind-faced police officer at your doorstep, or a local TV anchor narrating over footage of your dad’s car being pulled from the water,” said lead researcher Marie Romero, who noted the plunging mug is part of a list of symptoms that includes everything going silent as the mouth slowly forms the word “nooooo.” “Our research indicates that coffee drinkers are the most likely to be overwhelmed by memories of their father as their mugs shatter, forgotten, at their feet, spreading coffee across the white tile, a heartrending reminder of the fragility of life and the suddenness with which everything can change forever.” The study also found that tea drinkers have a genetic predisposition to react to their fathers’ sudden passing by slowly placing their cup back in the saucer, politely thanking the bearer of the dreadful news, showing them out of the study, and quietly but firmly shutting the door.
Pope Calls For World Peace During Easter Mass #~# As tens of thousands gathered in Vatican City, Pope Francis spent his Easter mass calling for peace in parts of the world ravaged by war and conflict, including the Israel-Gaza border, Syria, and several African countries. What do you think?
Man In Political Argument Clearly Just Regurgitating Monologue From ‘Henry V’ #~# BALTIMORE—Demonstrating far more passion for his beliefs and capacity for rhetorical flair than actual knowledge of workable climate change solutions, systems analyst Matthew Niles was observed Monday participating in a political argument by blatantly regurgitating the “St. Crispin’s Day” monologue from Henry V. “We had been discussing the idea of carbon offsets and climate taxes, and someone mentioned that not enough people would participate, and suddenly Matt started going off on how if we were to die from the melting ice caps, we were enough to do our country loss; and if to live, the fewer environmentalists, the greater share of honor,” said coworker Alice Hahn, expressing frustration that Niles, a reasonably well-informed person on political issues, resorted to Shakespeare when he felt particularly passionate about an issue. “By the time he started shouting about how ‘the feast of Earth Day shall ne’er go by, from this day to the ending of the world, but we in it shall be rememberèd,’ I was like, I’m outta here. I had enough of the whole band-of-brothers thing back when Bernie [Sanders] won New Hampshire.” At press time, Niles was reminding his assistant manager of a particularly monumental political argument about marijuana legalization he had won in a garden where leeks did grow.
Teen On Birthright Trip Hadn’t Expected To See So Many Dead Palestinians #~# JERUSALEM—Saying they were pretty hard to miss during her two-week visit to Israel, teenager Sarah Caplan told reporters Monday that she hadn’t expected to see so many dead Palestinians on her Birthright trip. “My friend Kate who came over last year said she noticed a couple, but this is way more dead Palestinians than I ever imagined,” said Caplan, who explained that her tour group was prepared to see a few scattered bodies while driving around the country, but were completely caught off guard when they stumbled on entire groups of dead Palestinians near the Gaza border. “It was cool to see the Western Wall, and we all got to ride camels in the desert, but we still saw a couple bodies there, too. At first you think it’s just this one-time thing and you don’t worry about it, but pretty soon, you realize they are kind of everywhere. They didn’t really mention anything about this during the orientation.” Caplan was also surprised that there were so many people her age in the Israeli Defense Forces killing Palestinians.
Census Bureau Releases Annual Report On Neighborhood Vibes #~# SUITLAND, MD—Having “gotten the scoop” from with-it locals in every geographic region of the country, the U.S. Census Bureau Monday released its 2018 Federal Report On Neighborhood Vibes. “The majority of boroughs considered chill in 2017 maintained their cool, laid-back atmosphere, while most of those on the weirder side only continued to get edgier and funkier in 2018,” Census Bureau director Ron Jarmin wrote in his introduction to the 1,076-page report, which assessed all 20,000 U.S. cities and rated residential areas according to vital atmospheric intangibles such as “overall personality,” “chill factor,” and “bro-iness” throughout the year. “Our data also found, however, that many neighborhoods were susceptible to change in the coming decades, especially ones now considered ‘eclectic’ or ‘artsy.’ Unfortunately, given the degree to which many of those are currently populated with aging hipsters, we project they will be overrun with young professionals and working parents as early as 2020.” At press time, Jarmin added that, just as the Census Bureau had found in previous years, the suburbs once again remained a hellishly boring place to live.
18-To-35 White, Male Demographic Still Searching For Perfect Way To Quench Its Thirst #~# WASHINGTON—Asserting that beverage manufacturers should really make more of an effort to reach their overlooked demographic, America’s 18-to-35-year-old white males confirmed Monday that they are still searching for the perfect way to quench their thirst. “For decades, we’ve been looking for a beverage targeted just to us,” said 22-year-old Marcus Baker, who, along with millions of his fellow young white men living in the United States, longs for a beverage that contains the refreshing fizziness of soda, the invigorating caffeination of an energy drink, and the hydrating effects of water all wrapped up in a product targeted directly at them with a dedicated multi-media marketing campaign. “If some awesome new drink burst through the fog of our current, boring drink options, then we would absolutely consume that drink. Perhaps it could be specifically formulated, and more importantly promoted, as a beverage for chugging after a workout or sipping at a bar when you’re on a date—or both. As long as it’s refreshing and light with no aftertaste, we would be interested.” At press time, the disappointed young white male demographic stocked up on Mountain Dew, Gatorade, Red Bull, Coca-Cola, Starbucks Iced Espresso Classics, La Croix, Bacardi, Vitamin Water, Mountain Dew Code Red, and Coors Light in preparation for the weekend.
Bill Cosby Feeling Better About Retrial Now That Climate Around Sexual Assault Has Cooled Down #~# NORRISTOWN, PA—Expressing relief that cultural norms had finally shifted in his favor, Bill Cosby was reportedly feeling better about his retrial Monday now that the climate around sexual assault has cooled down. “I’m definitely more optimistic than I was a few months ago,” said the 80-year-old entertainer who stands accused of three counts of aggravated indecent assault, noting that his previous trial had occurred during a time when holding abusers accountable for their actions was still very much in the zeitgeist. “Back in June, being accused of drugging and raping more than 60 women was still such a hot-button issue that I was barely able to squeak by with a mistrial. But now that movements like ‘Me Too’ and ‘Time’s Up’ have basically blown over, all this unpleasantness should be finished in no time.” Cosby added that he felt particularly hopeful since the broad societal trend of millionaires facing no consequences for their actions was still going strong.
‘I’m Not Really Looking To Date Right Now,’ Says Man, As If He Not At Mercy Of Love’s Powerful, Mysterious Ways #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Noting that he had recently broken up with a longtime partner, local man Pete Kempton, 36, told reporters Monday that he was “not really looking to date right now,” conveying the misguided belief that he was somehow exempt from the all-powerful, mysterious whims of Eros. “It’s been five years since I was single, and I’m just looking forward to doing my own thing and not getting romantically involved with anyone for a while,” said Kempton, as if Cupid’s arrow could not at any moment pierce his heart, casting an unbreakable spell that would send him into fits of infatuation for which the only remedy would be the sweet caress of his beloved. “Besides, it wouldn’t be fair for me to start a relationship with someone when that’s really not something I’m ready for yet.” The hapless, stumbling pawn in love’s bewildering labyrinth then added that he wanted to spend some time focusing on himself, as though he had some kind of control over when he would next be overcome by the strange, incurable malady that has afflicted mankind since the dawn of time.
God Starting To Worry Heaven May Be Haunted #~# THE HEAVENS—Feeling unnerved after sensing a sudden movement in His peripheral vision, an increasingly jumpy God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly starting to worry Monday that Heaven may be haunted. “No, seriously, this is not okay—I’m really freaking the fuck out here,” said the Lord Almighty, adding that He was becoming more and more sure that the hazy, ghost-like apparitions lurking behind clouds were of paranormal origin. “Every so often, I get this cold shudder and it’s just, like, there’s someone there, you know? The angels tell me it’s all in my head, but I swear I’m telling the truth. I obviously don’t believe in all that afterlife stuff, but it’s starting to feel like there’s no other explanation besides that this place is haunted.” At press time, God had shrieked in alarm after catching a glimpse of a shadowy figure that bore a stark resemblance to His son, who had been dead more than 2,000 years.
Adnan Syed Of ‘Serial’ Given New Trial #~# Citing the negligence of his original legal counsel, the Maryland Court of Special Appeals has granted a new trial to Adnan Syed, whose conviction of first-degree murder was chronicled on the popular podcast Serial. What do you think?
Timeline Of The Republican Party #~# Founded in 1854, the Republican Party has been one of America’s two major political parties for most of the nation’s existence. The Onion presents a timeline of the party that currently controls all three branches of government.
New Stephen King Book Mocks Stanley Kubrick’s ‘The Shining’ Adaptation #~# Stephen King—long known for his disdain of Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of The Shining—reportedly criticizes the director in his new novel, The Outsiders, with a character watching the film Paths of Glory and noting it is “at least better than The Shining.” What do you think?
White House Photographer Disturbed To Find Faint, Ghostly Image Of Melania Trump In Background Of Every Photo #~# WASHINGTON—Eyes widening in terror as she scrolled through the day’s images, chief official White House photographer Shealah Craighead became increasingly disturbed Thursday after discovering a faint, ghostly image of Melania Trump in the background of every photo she had taken. “I swear the State Dining Room was completely empty when I shot these. Oh, my God, there she is again,” said Craighead, visibly shaken by the apparition of the first lady lingering in the back of the Roosevelt Room, her face strangely expressionless, her translucent arms reaching toward the camera. “This is really freaking me out—I haven’t seen her in weeks, let alone photographed her, and yet she’s in every single one of these pictures. I definitely would have noticed if she’d been sobbing in the corner during today’s full cabinet meeting.” Craighead added that after analyzing the photos, she discovered that Mrs. Trump’s shade seemed to assume a more solid form the closer she was to the site of the mysterious sinkhole that recently appeared on the White House’s North Lawn.
Inconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint #~# WASHINGTON—Following months of bruising criticism from Democrats and President Trump alike, an inconsolable Jeff Sessions was reportedly trying to commit suicide Thursday by smoking a joint. “I swore I’d never take the coward’s way out, but what choice do I have?” said a teary-eyed Sessions, carefully laying a sealed envelope containing his farewell note on a tool bench in his garage as he raised a lighter to the marijuana cigarette with trembling hands. “This is it. I’ve taken four puffs to make sure there’s no chance of survival. It should only be a matter of minutes now. Oh, what a wretched, ignominious ending. Goodbye, cruel world, I’m sorry I’ve failed you so.” At press time, Sessions reportedly realized he had died after being overcome by a euphoric, floating feeling. 
ICE Agent Decides He Wants Kids After Seeing Incredible Love And Devotion Of Parents Begging Him Not To Take Their Child #~# PHOENIX—Remarking that he wished to one day care so much about another person, Immigrations and Customs Enforcement agent Matthew Howe decided Thursday that he wants to have kids of his own after seeing the love and devotion of the immigrant parents begging him not to take their child. “I always said kids weren’t for me, but seeing the desperate love in the way those parents screamed and tore at their son’s shirt as I pulled him away—to have that powerful a bond must be amazing,” said Howe, admitting the intense sobbing as he kicked the parents off their son helped him finally understand how the power of the parent–child connection made two people very nearly inseparable. “My wife and I have been talking about it for years, but until I saw how these two were willing to do anything to save their kid, I wasn’t sure fatherhood was something I wanted. I mean, how many times have you heard a mother say she’d take a bullet to protect her kid? But until you see it happen, you don’t understand how powerful family can be. I want the kind of loving relationship they used to have.” At press time, Howe started to rethink his decision after attempting to simultaneously drive and deal with the six screaming, hungry immigrant kids in the back of his SUV.
Kissing Mule In Wedding Dress Right On The Lips Real Wakeup Call For Town Drunk #~# DESERT GULCH, AZ—Saying the incident had led him to fully reconsider his past behavior, town drunk Gus McCord told reporters Thursday that a bender culminating in him kissing a mule in a wedding dress right on the lips had served as a major wake-up call. “Heck, I reckon there’s no bigger eye-opener than lifting the bridal veil of what I thought would be a pretty lady, leaning in for a smooch, and opening my eyes to find out I’d done fixed my lips to old man Hoover’s mule—that’s when I guess I hit rock bottom,” said McCord, adding that he knew his alcoholism had become a problem after he stumbled backwards in surprise, tripped over a bucket of pig feed, and landed rear-end first in a horse trough. “So long as I live, I’ll never forget the shame I felt when that darn mule trotted over and started licking my face like she was my rightfully wedded betrothed. The whole town done started hootin’ and hollerin’ at me! Next morning, I washed my face in the nearest crick, threw away my clay moonshine jug, and sought rehabilitation at the local chapel with Reverend Blanchard. I’m proud to say I ain’t touched a drop of hooch since.” McCord added that he was especially sensitive about such behavior given that his father had done died in the exact same way.
Air Force Uncovers LSD Use Among Airmen Guarding Nuclear Missiles #~# U.S. Air Force airmen at a base that guards nuclear missiles have been linked to a drug ring that uses LSD as well as ecstasy, cocaine, and marijuana. What do you think?
David’s Bridal Introduces New Line Of Whore-Red Dresses For Wicked, Impure Divorcées’ Shameful Second Weddings #~# CONSHOHOCKEN, PA—In an effort to meet the specific needs of even its most reprehensible customers, David’s Bridal introduced a new line of whore-red dresses Thursday for wicked, impure divorcées with the audacity to have a shameful second wedding. “These new gowns are the perfect slut-shade of crimson to make any defiled woman feel like the harlot she is on her big day,” said CEO Phil Sadler, adding that the dresses will come in several distasteful low-cut and revealing styles that can be personalized with the words “hussy” or “trollop” embroidered on the train. “We know that making the ultimate commitment to burn in hell for all of eternity is one of the most important decisions a marked woman can make. That’s why we’ll also be offering a range of scarlet lace sacks to place over the bride’s head for that extra finishing touch.” Sadler added that all the disgraced tramps shopping for their doomed second marriages would find the new gowns located at the back of every David’s Bridal location, as far away as possible from the beautiful dresses reserved for the chaste and worthy virginal brides-to-be.
ABC Cancels ‘Roseanne’ Reboot #~# After a racist tweet posted by creator Roseanne Barr, ABC has canceled plans for a second season of highly watched sitcom Roseanne. What do you think?
Pollster Informs George H.W. Bush That Dying So Soon After Wife Would Really Boost Favorability Rating #~# HAMDEN, CT—Pollsters from the Quinnipiac University Polling Institute reportedly informed former president George H.W. Bush on Wednesday that dying so soon after the passing of his wife, Barbara, would dramatically boost his favorability rating with the American public. “According to our data, perishing on the same night as your beloved would have done wonders for your legacy, but you still have time,” said Douglas Schwartz, director of Quinnipiac University Poll, telling the 41st president that recent reports of his sexual misconduct would soon be forgotten if he were to pass away just over six weeks after the former first lady. “Listen, the longer you wait, the worse it looks. At this point, you’re probably losing half a percentage point per day. Otherwise, you’ll have to live until 100 to see this kind of sweet cultural capital again.” Schwartz added that if the former president didn’t seize the opportunity soon, Bill Clinton, who “appears like he could drop dead any second,” might suddenly kick the bucket and steal his thunder.
‘Coffee Cultivation Merely Extends The System Of Colonial Oppression,’ Recite Nation’s 180,000 Radicalized Starbucks Employees After 3-Hour Anti-Bias Training #~# SEATTLE—Irrevocably changed after attending a mandatory training session on racial bias, the nation’s Starbucks employees reportedly returned to work Wednesday radicalized and united behind a new credo stating that “coffee cultivation merely extends the system of colonial oppression.” “Welcome to Starbucks, you fucking bourgeois pig,” said barista Alexandra Balvin, delivering the greeting in lockstep with 180,000 Starbucks workers across the nation who were suddenly sporting camouflage-printed aprons, hanging up Che Guevara posters, and writing “Imperialist Swine” or “AmeriKKKan” on customers’ coffee cups. “Can I interest you in one of our Ultra Caramel Frappuccinos? The coffee is all sourced from oppressed bean pickers exploited by the same capitalist forces that allow you to spend on a single beverage what they make during an entire week of grueling physical labor. Don’t feel pressured to buy anything, though. You’re welcome to just sit at a table or use the bathroom to wash the blood of the working class off your hands.” At press time, sources confirmed baristas at approximately 8,000 Starbucks locations were overturning tables and throwing them through plate-glass windows to notify customers that stores would be closing in 15 minutes.
Teacher With Brand-New Chalk Holder Must Have Come Into Some Money Recently #~# OXFORD, MS—Sensing that their colleague had suddenly moved up in the world, break room sources at Randall Elementary School reported Wednesday that fifth-grade teacher Patricia Adams—who was earlier spotted with a new set of chalk holders—must have come into some money recently. “Damn, looks like Patty’s become something of a big spender—whoah, are those things metal?” said fellow teacher Melissa Schermer, noting that the brand-name Creativity Street accessories were way too pricey to afford on their modest salary. “Word on the street, too, is that she’s now keeping a three-pack of the good staples in her desk. Which begs the question, is there something she’s not telling us?” Cafeteria sources later reported that Madame Moneybags had developed a suspicious taste for Perrier.
Man Sick And Tired Of Hearing Upstairs Neighbors Skirt Around Core Conflict Of Argument #~# NEW YORK—Finding himself unable to tolerate the continuing stubborn refusal to address the real issues at hand, apartment dweller Jordan Stills has declared himself “sick and tired” Wednesday of hearing his upstairs neighbors skirt around the core conflict of their long-running argument. “Christ! Stop screaming about the dishes and start screaming about how his mother is the problem!” Stills said to his ceiling, adding in a personal aside that he could barely hear his own thoughts over the petty bickering that masks the male partner’s growing inability to be vulnerable around his romantic companion. “Shut up about whose job it is to clean up after guests leave and simply tell him he never listens to you, which makes you feel like he doesn’t respect you, which, by the way, was a problem with your last boyfriend, making this a particularly sensitive issue for you! For fuck’s sake, do I have to come up there to break this down for you?” At press time, Stills was observed pounding his ceiling with a broom handle and while angrily explaining how the central issue was that his neighbors had not felt close, truly close, to each other for weeks now.
Showrunner Disappointed World Will Never See Episode Where Roseanne Blows Open Seth Rich Murder #~# LOS ANGELES—In the wake of the hit sitcom’s sudden cancellation, Roseanne showrunner Bruce Helford expressed disappointment Wednesday that no one would ever see the episode where the title character discovers the truth behind the Seth Rich homicide, cracking the case wide open. “It’s truly a shame that the public will not get to watch as Roseanne Conner finally connects the dots and realizes the murder of Seth Rich was in fact a politically motivated hit job masterminded by the Clintons,” said Helford, adding that he felt the two-part primetime special, in which guest stars Sean Hannity and Kim Dotcom help Roseanne prove that Rich’s cruel fate was sealed by the liberal establishment the moment he downloaded those DNC emails, was poised to win an Emmy. “The scene where Dan storms into Comet Ping Pong and catches John Podesta red-handed was such a nuanced, multidimensional interpretation of the issues that matter to middle America, and it saddens me that our audience won’t get the opportunity to experience it. It’s what the entire show had been building up to since the reboot’s first episode.” Helford went on to state that while the next season would have gotten a lot of laughs from serious subjects, it also would have made people really think about the way President Obama and George Soros staged Sandy Hook to justify a large-scale government seizure of Americans’ firearms.
‘Spider-Man’ Malian Migrant Granted French Citizenship After Saving Baby From Balcony #~# Twenty-two-year-old Malian migrant Mamoudou Gassama—nicknamed “Spider-Man” for courageously scaling an apartment building and rescuing an infant—has been made a French citizen and offered a job by the city fire department. What do you think?
ABC Criticized For Unrealistic Portrayal Of Racists Actually Facing Consequences #~# PHILADELPHIA—In response to the abrupt cancellation of the hit series Roseanne the media watchdog group FactCheck.org blasted ABC Tuesday for its unrealistic portrayal of racists actually facing consequences for their actions. “This just does not represent how things actually work in America,” said spokesperson Rachel Donnelly, adding that the network’s decision to end production of a popular primetime comedy merely because the eponymous lead described a black, senior advisor to the former president as an “ape” grossly mischaracterizes the reality that racists can get away with whatever they want unchecked. “For years, ABC has presented us with an honest and true-to-life view of blatant racism, but today, by moving to punish Roseanne Barr for repugnant, prejudiced remarks, network executives have shown that they are completely out of touch with modern sensibilities.” At press time, Donnelly claimed that ABC’s parent company, Disney, deserved special blame for exposing impressionable children to such a lurid portrayal of repercussions for racial bigotry.
Hotshot Commencement Speaker Jumps Straight Into Speech Without Even Defining ‘Courage’ #~# ROCK ISLAND, IL—Noting that the ceremony’s esteemed guest of honor sure seemed like a cocky motherfucker, attendees of Augustana College’s graduation Sunday reported that the hotshot commencement speaker just jumped straight into his speech without even defining the word “courage.” “Well, well, well—not even a single mention of the Merriam-Webster dictionary—this guy clearly plays by his own rules,” said graduate Alex Harris, watching in disbelief as the president of the Children’s Hospital of Illinois launched right into a no-holds-barred summary of his career without even once briefly pausing to ask the attendees to consider what the word “integrity” meant to them. “First, he didn’t say ‘Good morning,’ and playfully repeat himself to get a more enthusiastic response. Then, he looked out at the crowd and totally failed to mention that each of our faces represented untold potential to be unleashed upon the world. Nope, he just plowed through everything. Christ, the fucking balls on this big shot.” At press time, Harris had doubled down on his belief that the speaker was an “arrogant sonofabitch” after he somehow concluded his 30-minute speech sans a single quote from Robert Frost.
James Cameron Warns Great Barrier Reef Will Die Without Intervention #~# Director James Cameron, known for films such as Terminator and Avatar, has warned that climate change will destroy the Great Barrier Reef unless humanity takes immediate action. What do you think?
Irish Doctors Brace For Wave Of Fetuses To Be Aborted 12 Weeks After Repeal Celebration #~# DUBLIN—Predicting pregnant women will visit their clinics in droves, physicians in Ireland confirmed Tuesday they were bracing themselves for the wave of fetuses that will be aborted 12 weeks after the festivities held to celebrate the landslide referendum that struck down the nation’s abortion ban. “When late August rolls around, our waiting rooms will be overflowing with women, every last one of them seeking to terminate a pregnancy,” said Dr. Aileen McGuire, adding that she has cleared her schedule so she can help her colleagues abort the thousands upon thousands of fetuses reportedly conceived after a wild night spent commemorating the constitutional change, which opens a legal path to first-trimester abortions. “The repeal of the Eighth Amendment was a joyous occasion, I get that, but the way things are looking now, we’re going to be absolutely up to our knees in fetuses. In fact, we’ll most likely have to enlist the full-time help of every doctor from every hospital in the country, because that’s the only way we’ll ever get through all these abortions.” Ireland’s Department of Health estimates the wave of aborted fetuses should peak by early autumn, at which point people requiring medical services other than the termination of a pregnancy should once again be able to get an appointment with a doctor.
Jeff Bezos Announces Customers Can Delete All Of Alexa’s Stored Audio By Rappelling Into Amazon HQ, Navigating Laser Field, Uploading Nanovirus To Servers #~# SEATTLE—Responding to news of the digital assistant recording users’ conversations without their knowledge, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos assured critics Tuesday that Alexa’s stored audio can be deleted by simply rappelling into company headquarters, maneuvering through an intricate laser field, and destroying every server with a nanovirus. “We take privacy concerns seriously, and I want our valued customers to know they can erase all the information their Amazon Echo has gathered just by being dropped from a helicopter over one of our towers, using a diamond-tipped glass cutter to carve out a hole in a 32nd-story window, and then employing advanced cyberwarfare techniques to compromise our data centers,” said Bezos, who added that users merely need to have their demolitions expert blow through a 7-foot steel barrier and reach Amazon’s highly complex cloud storage system to access the audio captured by Alexa. “If, by this point, you haven’t been detected by our surveillance system and attracted the attention of our CIA-trained super soldiers, you’ll only have to wait while your team’s martial arts expert silently neutralizes several armed guards and cuts out one of their eyeballs to open the doors secured by retina scanners. Then, assuming you’ve trained for months in a full-scale model of our headquarters that you built in an old warehouse to plan your exact path through this labyrinth, it’s a relatively straightforward matter of uploading the nanovirus and shooting your way out of a building that is rigged to self-destruct within 60 seconds of a data breach.” Bezos added that once customers complete this process, they will still need to erase the backup copies of their Echo data stored in the drive he wears around his neck, a task that requires finding him in Amazon’s caverns miles below Seattle and fighting him to the death.
Study: Human Anxiety Highest When Sitting In Wrong Seat At Concert #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—Confirming the long-theorized connection between human nervousness and the attempt to find a better view while in a public space, a study published Tuesday by the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of North Carolina found that human anxiety is highest when sitting in the wrong seat at a concert. “Our findings prove that sitting just a couple rows closer to the stage than the the seat specified on your ticket is enough to provoke an intense anxiety spike in humans,” said lead researcher Dr. Ruben Bautista, explaining that elevated cortisone levels correlate closely with each successive row participants moved forward. “In addition, observations have consistently shown that greater and greater unease and apprehension is generated with every new person entering the venue looking for their seat, with stressors reaching peak levels upon seeing a concert patron going to the usher for assistance. Even the mere act of someone pointing at the crowd during a conversation with a venue employee can cause an immediate and severe anxiety attack.” Bautista noted that anxieties can transition to major depressive episodes if the individual is confronted in front of the whole crowd and asked to please get up and return to his or her assigned seat.
Devin Nunes Receives $4.5 Million From Donor On Condition He’ll Just Retire On It And Never Show His Face Again #~# FRESNO, CA—Emphasizing that a clean break was probably best for all parties involved, prominent Republican donor David Heyward announced Tuesday that he contributed $4.5 million to Devin Nunes on the condition that the California representative and House Intelligence Committee chairman retire upon receipt of the funds and never show his face again. “No questions asked, just cash the check and go do something—anything—else,” said Heyward, 57, adding that several of his wealthy, Republican friends were prepared to “sweeten the pot” as soon as they could secure ironclad assurance that Nunes would never again speak on the record or be seen in public. “You’re what, in your 40s now? Great, great—so buy a plane ticket and travel the world for the next couple decades. Play some golf. Take up painting. Buy a boat. Seriously, we don’t really care what you do, but please, for the love of God, do it someplace that is not California’s 22nd congressional district.” Heyward’s offer was made mere weeks after a flood of grassroots donations briefly crashed a GOP fundraising page promising to send Nunes on a lengthy fact-finding mission near Earth’s oceanic pole of inaccessibility.
Man Directs Full Force Of Anecdote Toward Single Person After Rest Of Group Moves On To Different Topic #~# PRINCETON, NJ—Watching helplessly as his fellow partygoers moved on to a different topic of conversation, local man Greg Southerton reportedly abandoned the group Tuesday and directed the full force of his anecdote towards a single, nearby person. “Speaking of childhood pets, I had this pretty wild thing happen to my cat when I was a kid,” said Southerton, desperately locking eyes with a female acquaintance as he realized the remainder of their peers had lost interest and begun talking about weekend plans, leaving him totally in the dust. “Okay, so, one day, I got home from kindergarten and I couldn’t find her anywhere. My parents and I looked all around and finally we discover her at the top of this tall tree in our yard. And here’s where things get really crazy—we couldn’t get her down.” At press time, Southerton’s target had reportedly ducked out of the conversation in order to respond to a text message, leaving him to mumble the narrative’s conclusion into his drink.
Myth Vs. Fact: The U.S. Meat Industry #~# The U.S. meat industry produced nearly 100 billion pounds of meat in 2017, a new record, but many criticize the industry’s practices. The Onion breaks down the myths and facts about the U.S. meat industry.
Puma Researcher Has Nagging Feeling He Left Usain Bolt Running At Office #~# WESTFORD, MA—Chastising himself for not double-checking everything before he left for the day, Puma researcher Benjamin Harris was reportedly overcome Friday by a nagging feeling that he had left Usain Bolt running at the office. “Goddammit, I don’t want to have to go all the way back there, but it’s really bad for his system to leave him running all night,” said a visibly conflicted Harris, noting that he remembered putting the eight-time Olympic gold medalist on the treadmill, but no matter how hard he tried, could not recall if he had stopped the Jamaican world record–holding sprinter while he was packing up to go home. “Shit, there’s no one left at work who I can call to take a look for me either. You know, everything’s probably fine, and I’m just being paranoid about the whole thing.” At press time, Harris had returned in the morning to discover that the athlete had burned out overnight and would need to be thrown away after the researcher was unable to get him to run again.
New Edition Of Emily Post’s Etiquette Book To Include Chapter Demonstrating Proper Way To Lick Maple Syrup Off Plate #~# NEW YORK—Dismissing past versions as outdated and totally ill-suited for the modern pancake breakfast, HarperCollins announced Friday that the 19th edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette would be updated to include a chapter on how to properly lick maple syrup off of your plate. “Remember, after finishing an order of flapjacks, it is polite to wait at least five seconds before lifting the plate up to your face and licking clockwise,” read the book’s newest chapter titled “Lapping Your Sweets,” which explained that the perfect diner should always keep licking noises at a minimum and never do so while they are speaking. “Of course, if you are the host or hostess, be sure to ask the guests if they would like to slurp up the syrup off your plate first before doing so yourself. And, ladies, let us not forget: We lick the plate, but never our fingers.” While many etiquette books would shy away from the topic, HarperCollins confirmed that the new chapter would also include demonstrations on how to lick maple syrup off of the floor.
Radiohead Re-Releases ‘Kid A’ With Remastered Original Skits #~# OXFORD, ENGLAND—Rewarding their longtime fans for their loyalty, Radiohead has re-released their career-defining 2000 album Kid A with remastered original skits. “After years of workshopping and late nights in the studio, we are proud to announce the release of the new Platinum Edition Kid A with all-new remastered between-track sketches, restored to their original 7-to-19-minute run times,” said lead singer Thom Yorke at the reissue’s launch party, noting that the new version of their seminal 2000 album includes fan-favorite bonus skits where the band does multiple voices while pretending to order far too much food at a drive-through window, all in lossless 7.1 digital surround sound. “Between classics like ‘Everything In Its Right Place’ and ‘Optimistic,’ and helping enhance Kid A’s famously jaunty tone, we’ve returned our trademark high-energy comedy performances to their rightful place. Now, before you settle in to ‘How To Disappear Completely,’ you’ll laugh yourself silly to hear [guitarist] Jonny Greenwood playing a convict strapped to an electric chair, only to find out the prison didn’t pay its electricity bill on time—just as we originally intended. We hope fans enjoy them as much as we do.” At press time, Radiohead announced that the special 180-gram vinyl LP pressings of Kid A would also include a free digital download of all the skits’ zany sound effects.
JetBlue Subsidiary Becomes First Customer Of Hybrid-Electric Planes #~# A JetBlue affiliate that offers private jet flights has signed up to buy up to 100 hybrid-electric planes produced by startup Zunum Aero. What do you think?
Yankees Fans Pack Stadium For Asshole Heritage Night #~# NEW YORK—Selling out the entire venue and filling the standing room to capacity, thousands of fans flocked to Yankee Stadium Friday to proudly celebrate asshole heritage night. “Today, we honor the contributions and history of the many jackasses who have played for the New York Yankees as well as the pricks who cheered them on,” said legendary motherfucker Alex Rodriguez, adding that no team, not even the Boston Red Sox, could match the Yankees’ 115-year tradition of embracing and fielding total fucking bastards. “Assholes have made such a huge contribution to this franchise, from the miserable fucks who founded this team to the shitheads who currently own it. And, of course, without the millions of fuckwad fans and their asshole children, the Yankees would not be the organization they are today.” In honor of asshole heritage, Yankees merchandise stands were offering special discounts on dickhead hats and douchebag T-shirts.
Hollywood Producer Can’t Help But Think About How Much Money He Could Make Off Movie About Harvey Weinstein Scandal #~# LOS ANGELES—Noting the interest generated by the extensive television coverage of Harvey Weinstein’s arraignment on sexual assault charges, Hollywood producer Jeff Moss admitted Friday that he can’t stop thinking about the giant pile of money he could make off a movie about the unfolding scandal. “What Harvey did to all those women is totally fucked up and appalling, but just think of the gorgeous, star-studded cast—this story has all the ingredients for a massive summer blockbuster,” said Moss, who added he could think of roughly a dozen Hollywood leading men with the energy necessary to play the lead role. “Right now, he’s the ultimate villain you love to hate. He’s just pure evil. Seems like no redemption is possible for what he did to those women—and just think of the stunning women! One after the other! I mean, yes, I get it, it’s horrible that he supposedly groped, harassed, sexually assaulted, or raped them all, but c’mon, don’t for a second try to tell me that this movie wouldn’t make bank.” Moss has reportedly already instructed his agency to issue a casting call for “at least 80 potential roles for attractive, vulnerable women in their mid-to-late 20s.”
Trump Cancels Meeting With North Korea #~# President Trump pulled out of a planned June meeting with North Korea in a letter citing “hostility” displayed in a recent statement, apparently alluding to a North Korean official mocking Vice President Mike Pence. What do you think? 
Flight Attendant Licks Her Lips As Traveler Approaches Gate With Large Suitcase #~# BOSTON—Positively salivating at the unsuspecting customer moving in her direction, flight attendant Melissa Holmes reportedly licked her lips Friday as a traveler approached the gate with a large suitcase. “Yeah, that’s right—take that overpacked Samsonite and come to Mama,” said Holmes, rubbing her hands together with gleeful anticipation as the oblivious man wheeled his bulging roller case into the boarding line. “I thought my day was made when that woman tried to sneak through with two personal items, but this is going to be sweet. I can’t wait to see him struggle to squeeze his luggage into the carry-on baggage-sizer. He’ll probably even unzip it right here on the airport floor and scramble to rearrange everything inside. Mmm, I can practically taste it already.” At press time, after the passenger had successfully proven that his suitcase was small enough, a grinning Holmes informed him that she would unfortunately still need to check it since the overhead compartments were already full. 
Report: No Way College Japan Society Can Match Lofty Promises Made By Poster Hanging In Library  #~# ALLENTOWN, PA—Purporting to read right through the grandstanding handbill, sources confirmed Friday that there could be absolutely no way Muhlenberg College’s Japan Society could fulfill the lofty promises made by their poster on the Trexler Memorial Library’s bulletin board. “Do these bullshitters really expect me to believe they offer not only omamori amulet-crafting, but also hanami cherry blossom viewing excursions and origami-folding circles?” student Max Schreiner said of the 8.5-by-11-inch photocopy before him, which he insisted “talks a big game” about mochi-making seminars, Hiragana script training, and pop-up pachinko parlors in the student union, but is almost certainly “writing checks its ass can’t cash.” “Oh, look at this: ‘Off-campus excursions include group trips to the local zen meditation center, the Asian Foods Market, and Yumi Kurosawa’s spring concert at the Kimmel Center in Philadelphia?’ Oh, okay then. ‘Collaboratively translate Final Fantasy IV’ my ass.” At press time, a dumbfounded Schreiner insisted there was “no chance in hell” anyone in the club is organizing an actual trip to Japan after coming across Facebook pictures of the club posing next to a Japan Airlines 787.
Jared Kushner’s Security Clearance Restored #~# White House senior advisor Jared Kushner had his security clearance restored after temporarily losing it amid the uncertainty of the special counsel’s ongoing investigation. What do you think?
L’Oreal Suspends Production Of Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick After Lab Rat Seduces Way Out Of Facility #~# NEW YORK—Warning that the sultry, long-lasting product had been instrumental in the company’s biggest security breach to date, L’Oreal has halted testing of their Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick Friday after a lab rat wearing the compelling cosmetic seduced its way out of their facility. “At approximately 8 p.m. last night, a rodent wearing a testing formulation of L’Oreal’s 19-1664 ‘rosewine’ lip shade successfully beckoned to an unsuspecting guard and distracted him with its perfect, pouty mouth, bewitching him long enough to reach his keyring, unlock its cage, and escape,” said L’Oreal CEO Jean Paul Agon, who emphasized that production of the color stick would be halted until an internal investigation could determine how the rat was able to not only stun over a dozen officers with its craveable come-hither look, but also leave the head of surveillance blindfolded and tied to a chair with his boxers around his ankles. “Until we find out exactly how test subject number 445 ended up with lips so luscious that every member of our security team was powerless to resist them, it would be egregiously irresponsible to release this product to the public. You must understand: No matter how fast it scampered, no matter how many guards it kissed, this rat had a perfect pucker that was impossible resist. We will not allow a lip color this sultry, this durable, this dangerous, to be sold. Because it’s not worth it.” At press time, Agon had warned residents who lived around the L’Oreal facility to take extra precautions while out at night, as the rat’s no-smear lip color stays flawless for up to 12 hours.
God Flees Universe With $250 In Cash #~# THE COSMOS—Jumping into His primer-gray Chevy and booking it away from the sum totality of all existence, the Lord God Almighty, the Alpha and Omega, He Who Commanded the Light to Shine Out of Darkness, fled the Universe with $250 in cash, heavenly sources reported. “See you later, assholes!” said the Supreme Being, who was spotted peeling out of the Universe in his 1986 Chevrolet Camaro while fanning the sum of small bills and shaking his head at how simple the whole con job was. “Best part of all this? None of you stupid motherfuckers even saw it coming. Spend a few billion years crafting the Universe and tending to all of creation, earn your trust with a sunset here and a rainbow there, and by and by I make off like a goddamn bandit with that sweet, sweet green. Easy money, baby. Easy money.” At press time, God had been spotted in the outer regions of the cosmos after creating a second universe and spending much of his cash on gas, lap dances, and Jim Beam.
New NFL Policy Requires Players To Either Stand For National Anthem Or Stay In Locker Room #~# A recently passed NFL policy will require players to cease kneeling on the field, forcing them to either stand for the national anthem or stay in the locker room, an option that had previously not been available. What do you think?
Americans Freed From North Korea Sent Back To Pyongyang After Denuclearization Talks Fall Through #~# WASHINGTON—Struggling as they were handcuffed and removed from their homes, three American citizens recently freed from North Korea were sent back to Pyongyang Thursday after denuclearization talks between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un fell through. “Unfortunately, so long as the aforementioned Nuclear Summit remains cancelled, the United States cannot keep any of our hostages in good faith,” said Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, while across the country, American special forces apprehended the former prisoners, instructed them to say goodbye to their loved ones, and boarded them on a one-way flight to North Korea. “Of course, should talks resume, the U.S. would be thrilled to take our citizens back from this dangerous regime. But until then, the most ethical thing we can do as a country is hold up our end of the bargain and return these men to the labor camps from which they were freed.” At press time, Pompeo confirmed the hostages’ return would only improve the president’s chances of winning a Nobel Peace Prize.
Other 193 Countries Begin Insulting Mike Pence In Hopes Of Avoiding Future Meetings With Trump #~# BERLIN—Leaping at the chance to never again deal with the U.S. after North Korea’s disparaging remarks towards the vice president, leaders from the other 193 nations of the world began insulting Mike Pence Thursday in hopes of avoiding future meetings with President Donald Trump. “Mike Pence is just a dumbfuck partisan hack who doesn’t have the faintest clue about international relations or running a country,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel, joining nearly 200 other presidents and prime ministers who mercilessly degraded Pence as “cowardly,” “full of crap,” and “repulsive” in a concerted effort to stave off any more direct contact with Trump or have him ever visit their countries. “Mike Pence was a shit governor of a shit state, and he’s as incompetent as he is ugly. Just a pandering, feckless asshole with the personality and intelligence of roadkill. Meeting him in person was one of the worst encounters of our lives—he and his whole family can go fuck themselves.” World leaders finished their comments by adding that if there were any justice in the world, Mike Pence would rot away alone in the dank halls of a federal penitentiary.
‘You Better Give Our Dad A Good Trade Deal Or You’ll Be Sorry!’ Shout Angry Trump Boys On Phone With Employee Of Local Chinese Restaurant #~# WASHINGTON—Issuing a series of threats and warnings to gain the East Asian government’s cooperation, an angry Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump reportedly shouted “You better give our dad a good trade deal or you’ll be sorry!” while on the phone Thursday with an employee of a local Chinese food restaurant. “If you don’t stop trying to do bad things to our dad’s smart idea for a trading deal, you’re gonna be in a whole lot of big trouble,” said Donald Jr., repeatedly interrupting the confused employee’s efforts to ask for their order to criticize the Chinese government ramping up a trade war with the United States, then covering the speaker with his hand and assuring his brother that “they’re definitely super afraid of us and gonna give in.” “Look, we got way cooler stuff than you guys, so you better keep letting our junk into your dumb country. And tell your pal King Jong-un [sic] not to mess with the trade deal either, or Dad’s gonna be real mad and then nuke all of you with the army. We need 100 more dollars to make the deal work and that’s our final offer. And no trade-backs! Hold on, my brother wants to yell at you now.” At press time, the baffled restaurant employee was trying to confirm the order of a large General Tso’s chicken and pot stickers while the Trump boys frantically tried to untangle themselves from the phone cord.
Jared Kushner Excited To Finally Visit White House After Gaining Security Clearance #~# WASHINGTON—Following a period of uncertainty during a months-long FBI background check, Senior Adviser to the President Jared Kushner told reporters Thursday he’s excited to finally visit the White House after gaining permanent security clearance. “Oh, my God, I can’t believe I’m going to see where the president works,” said an elated Kushner, adding that his mind raced while imagining himself strolling through the halls of the West Wing or standing outside the “real-life, honest-to-goodness Situation Room.” “I can’t wait to check out those big columns out front. I doubt I’ll be allowed in the Oval Office or anything like that, but it’s still going to be so awesome to just walk on the South Lawn. I mean, I’ve obviously seen the place in movies, but I bet it’s way different to be where the magic happens. I might be in the same room as an actual cabinet member! How cool is that?” At press time, the FBI had revoked Kushner’s security clearance after deciding his overzealous behavior posed a high risk.
Fan Doubtful ‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’ Can Live Up To Denny’s Blaster Fire Burger #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Expressing concern that the latest film might let fans like him down, area man Tom Molina was doubtful Thursday that Solo: A Star Wars Story could ever live up to Denny’s Blaster Fire Burger. “I really hope the movie can match the immersive, world-building experience I had eating the Blaster Fire Burger, but I’m not holding my breath,” said Molina, 32, adding that he was confident the beef patty topped with spicy ghost pepper sauce was just as fiery hot as a laser bolt from Han Solo’s modified DL-44 heavy blaster pistol. “Denny’s did a great job of keeping the cheeseburger faithful to the Star Wars universe—there’s just no way in hell this movie will meet my expectations. Honestly, if Solo is even half as good as the Blaster Fire Burger, I’ll be impressed. I just hope it doesn’t give me diarrhea like the films do.” At press time, Molina had returned to his local Denny’s bedecked in a Lando Calrissian costume to enjoy the burger for a second time.
Friend Insists You Just Have To Climb Ladder, Hop Gap, Scale Wall To See The View From Apartment’s Roof #~# DENVER—Promising that it was really easy to get up there once you duck through the kitchen window, local man Alex Butler told his friends Thursday that you just have to climb a ladder, hop a 2-foot gap, and scale the wall to see the view from his apartment roof. “You won’t believe how great it looks up there guys, just hop over the neighbor’s fire escape, grab onto the gutter, and be careful not to slip when climbing over the ridge of the roof,” said Butler, warning that the bricks were pretty slick because it had just rained and nobody should lean on the rusted-out railing for support. “Just skip the sixth rung of the ladder, too, because it’s busted, and only a few people should walk across the ledge to the wall because it’s pretty old and you definitely don’t want it to cave in on you. But once you jump up, find the hole in the siding, and pull yourself over, you can see the whole city. I go up there all the time.” At press time, Butler had reportedly gone ahead and was last seen leaning confidently off the edge his roof, yelling down to whoever was back inside his apartment to carry up a case of beer.
Study Finds 87% Of Knowledge About Nation Comes From Side Of U-Haul Trucks #~# WILLIAMSBURG, VA—A general education study conducted by the College Of William & Mary’s School of Education found the average American citizen receives 87 percent of their knowledge concerning the geography, ecology, and history of the United States from the graphics of “America’s Moving Adventure” featured on the sides of rented U-Haul moving trucks. “According to our findings, most citizens learned and overwhelmingly retained information about the nation’s cultural and geographical makeup through regular encounters with U-Haul trucks,” said head researcher Alexi Perra, who also speculated that introducing new moving-truck graphics on a regular basis might lead to significant advances in American education. “Participants who displayed a high level of awareness concerning the origin of the Hoover Dam, the establishment of the National Parks system, or even how ghost orchids grow in Florida’s subtropical climate almost always attributed their knowledge to U-Haul.” In a related study, Perra added that his team of researchers found Snapple Facts were responsible for 64 percent of American scientific knowledge. 
Chuck E. Cheese’s Pit Boss Tells Floor Attendant To Keep An Eye On Guest Winning Big At Skee-Ball #~# DANVERS, MA—Observing the potentially suspicious behavior from a monitor bay in the entertainment center’s control room, Chuck E. Cheese’s pit boss Lance Kessler reportedly told a floor attendant Thursday to keep an eye on a guest who kept winning big at skee-ball. “Our friend at machine 12 seems to be on one hell of a hot streak, so why don’t you head over there and make sure we don’t have any trouble,” said Kessler, adding that the attendant should keep close tabs on the child in order to determine whether he was using a weighted ball or some other method to cheat at the game. “Just stay close, comp him a free orange soda or two, and report back to me. Don’t try and confront him—I don’t want a repeat of last February when that kid got too handsy with Helen Henny and had to be escorted out in cuffs. Just make sure he’s clean before he tries cashing in his winnings for a giant stuffed Pikachu or remote-control car.” After learning that someone matching the guest’s description had won huge prizes at several Chuck E. Cheese’s locations around the country, Kessler had reportedly taken the child into a back room and was beating him with a phonebook.
The Onion’s Summer 2018 Movie Preview #~# The summer of 2018 promises to offer the typical onslaught of blockbusters, thrillers, and occasional artsy fare. The Onion takes a look at the most anticipated movies of the summer of 2018.
Funeral Attendees Getting Misty-Eyed During First Dance With Corpse #~# FRANKLIN, TN—Wiping away bittersweet tears as the lights dimmed and the lovely couple took the floor for the first time as widower and wife, attendees at the funeral of Martha Bowers got misty-eyed Thursday during the traditional first dance with the corpse. “You could just see the love in [Phillip Bowers’] eyes when he took her flaccid hand in his and guided her carefully to the dance floor, and everyone was amazed at how beautiful she looked in her burial dress,” said longtime family friend Clara Adler, tearing up along with the couple’s other friends and loved ones as the opening strains of Etta James’ “At Last” filled the funeral parlor. “Just seeing her out there, swaying along with him, draped over his shoulder for the first time in this new stage of their, you know, their lives...it’s so touching. You can see tears glistening in his eyes. This is the moment when he knows—it’s forever.” At press time, the funeral attendees had taken the floor and joined a conga line led by Mrs. Bower’s earthly remains.
Sinkhole Opens In White House Lawn #~# A sinkhole spotted roped-off on the White House’s North Lawn appears to be growing larger daily, journalists say. What do you think?
Red Sox Team Doctor Unclear Whether He Supposed To Join Fight Or Not #~# TAMPA BAY, FL—Watching with puzzled concern as his team ran onto the field and began shoving the opposing players, Boston Red Sox physician Adam Foster told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear if he should join a bench-clearing brawl with the Tampa Bay Rays. “I’m always happy to help the team, but I’m not sure if I’m supposed to jump in here. It just feels weird standing around while everyone is fighting 20 feet away,” said Foster, who wavered between his options while considering if he should run on the field and tackle a Tampa Bay player who was pulling Red Sox outfielder J.D. Martinez off the Ray’s third-base coach. “Maybe I could break up a fight, just so none of our guys get hurt. I should be looking out for them, right? Even the goddamn equipment manager is out there. Maybe I can just sneak up on someone and cold-cock them before anyone notices.” At press time, Foster had stepped onto the field only to be knocked out by an errant elbow from Red Sox pitcher Chris Sale.
Netflix Cancels ‘Jimmy Carter’s World Of Peanuts’ #~# LOS ANGELES—After a nine-season run featuring the 39th president of the United States exploring the history, manufacturing, and culture surrounding the versatile legume, Netflix announced Wednesday the cancellation of Jimmy Carter’s World Of Peanuts. “Despite our great appreciation for President Carter’s entertaining, informative celebration of all things peanut, we have made the difficult decision not to renew the series for a 10th season,” said Netflix CEO Reed Hastings, praising the long-running agri-documentary series and its host, the homespun former commander in chief who opened each episode by telling viewers to “forget everything you know about peanuts” before launching into his weekly 90-minute exploration of peanut cultivation. “Jimmy taught audiences a whole new way of looking at peanuts, from their early use as livestock feed through their heyday as a staple of American sandwich culture, all while examining the life of peanut producers around the world through deeply human profiles and hard-hitting interviews. While we are sad that dwindling viewership means creating new episodes is no longer a viable endeavor, we thank him for his impressive work. The special episode where he visits the land where his family peanut farm once stood is a three-hour odyssey we won’t soon forget.” The decision comes less than a week since Netflix announced they were renewing both Saxophone Hour With Bill Clinton and George W. Bush’s Joy Of Painting.
Nation’s Rich And Powerful Wondering When Rest Of Americans Will Just Give Up #~# WASHINGTON—Finding themselves increasingly annoyed with the inexplicable and infuriating persistence of their feeble socioeconomic inferiors, America’s rich and powerful were at a loss Wednesday as to exactly when the rest of the country would finally relinquish all hope and simply give up, sources close to the 1 percent confirmed. “What exactly is wrong with them? I mean, there’s no possible way they’ll ever stop us from getting everything we want, so the poor—and I suppose what’s left of the middle class—are only delaying the inevitable,” said one outrageously wealthy citizen, speaking on expectation of anonymity and adding that, realistically, no one in their right mind could possibly see the use of struggling against those who control the nation’s media, financial, and political institutions. “I suppose I should admire their sheer animal persistence, but, Christ, it’s been over since we somehow got them to accept that trickle-down bullshit. I know, I know, we tied their education to their property taxes to encourage them to ass-fuck themselves almost as hard as they ass-fucked their neighbors, but to think they’re so stupid they can’t get the concept of ‘being fucked’ through their thick skulls?” At press time, the nation’s most wealthy and influential citizens said they felt a sense of renewed hope and optimism upon realizing how few poor people had voted in recent elections.
Trump Casts Doubt On North Korea Summit #~# President Trump told reporters in the Oval Office that there was a “very substantial chance” that the summit with North Korea would not work out in June, but noted it may still occur at a later date. What do you think?
Margaret Atwood: ‘The Handmaids Are Supposed To Be Aliens’ #~# TORONTO—Clarifying the storyline for fans of her book and its television adaptation, author Margaret Atwood announced Wednesday that the handmaids in her best-selling novel The Handmaid’s Tale are supposed to be aliens. “I appreciate the conversations about patriarchy and feminism my book has sparked, but what I wrote really isn’t relevant in those discussions, because it’s about space aliens,” said Atwood, noting that her first draft included a prologue about unearthly beings walking down the ramp of a flying saucer, but scrapped the introductory section because she assumed her readers would find it too obvious. “As far as we know, the extraterrestrials are genderless. They wear those long capes to hide their tentacles, and the color red doesn’t symbolize anything, it’s just the color of the oceans on their home planet Trovari-5. People assume the male overseers want to subjugate women, but really the commanders have to keep them captive otherwise the handmaids would eat people’s faces.” Atwood added that she hoped people wouldn’t make the same mistake about the television adaptation of her vampire thriller, Alias Grace.
Obamas Sign Deal To Produce Netflix Shows, Movies #~# Former presidential couple Barack and Michelle Obama announced a production deal with Netflix in which they will produce television shows and films for the streaming service. What do you think?
Man Silently Eating Personal Pan Pizza Alone In Corner Of Airport Unaware This Will Be Best Part Of 7-Day Vacation #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Quietly chewing on a piece of crust as he waited for his connecting flight to arrive, local man Brett Harding silently ate a personal pizza alone in a corner at the Indianapolis International Airport Wednesday, all while having no idea that it would be the best part of his upcoming seven-day vacation. Sources confirmed that Harding, who was about to spend a whole week touring various countries in Europe and feeling nothing but constant, unceasing anxiety, was totally unaware that the 15 minutes he spent by himself staring serenely out the window at the runway and consuming a 6-inch pie would remain by far the most enjoyable part of his entire trip. According to witnesses, after spending over $2,000 on international flights and hotel rooms that Harding would only associate with guilt, fear, and an overwhelming sense of physical and mental exhaustion, buying an $8 combo meal from an airport pizzeria and eating every last bite would be the only moment during the entire vacation where he actually experienced the true joy of traveling. At press time, sources confirmed Harding was also unaware that several years down the line, he would look back on this vacation where he ate an entire personal pizza alone at the airport in complete silence as the best time in his entire life.
Bernie Sanders Announces He Will Seek Reelection #~# Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders announced he will run for re-election as an independent on a platform that will include a $15 national minimum wage, Medicare for all, and free tuition at public universities. What do you think?
In Response To Michael Cohen, ‘The Onion’ Pledges To Remove All Negative Trump Coverage In Exchange For A Direct Line To The President #~# The Onion, in recent days, has attempted to contend with a serious legal threat issued in 2013 by the president’s personal attorney. In exchange for removing an offending piece written by Mr. Trump, titled “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years,” our publication hoped for a speedy resolution to what could otherwise be a prolonged and costly legal battle. Shortly thereafter, however, our editorial board was shaken to its core by Mr. Cohen’s response issued on social media—a shrewd legal riposte, almost Machiavellian in its audacity. We now understand that Mr. Cohen is playing hardball, and our editorial board has correspondingly voted to up the ante, so to speak.
Whether You Lean To The Right Or Lean To The Left, Can We All Just Agree To Cha-Cha Real Smooth Now? #~# As we look out across this dance floor, and across the broader spectrum of our culture, it is tempting to conclude we are a nation hopelessly divided. After all, the issues that separate us are very real. However, I refuse to believe we will find solutions to our problems by retreating further into our respective bubbles. So today I ask one thing of you: Whether you lean to the right or the left, please come together and cha-cha real smooth.
Man With 20 Rifles Can’t Remember If His Goal To Start Or Stop Violent Overthrow Of Government #~# BILLINGS, MO—Finding himself increasingly uncertain as to the purpose of his substantial cache of military-grade firearms, Billings resident Greg Carnes admitted Tuesday that he was unable to remember whether the 20 rifles he’d stockpiled were meant to aid in armed rebellion against the government or prevent the same. “I’m certain I got these guns for a patriotic purpose, and I know that I held strong feelings about that purpose at the time. I just wish I could remember exactly what it was,” said Carnes, opening his gun safe to inspect enough assault rifles to either outfit or destroy a small platoon in the hopes that doing so might jog his memory as to exactly why he was willing to go out in a blaze of gunfire and glory. “I mean, when Obama was president, they were for sure so I could overthrow the government. But now, I feel like it might be to defend it? Man, I sure don’t know. I got that ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flag on my truck and all, but I can’t remember who that’s talking about either.” Carnes added that he was tentatively optimistic he could deduce the reason for his arms stockpile by flipping through his 6,000-page manifesto.
Maple Tree Wishes It Was Given A Say In Becoming Memorial To Man’s Dead Wife #~# CHICOPEE, MA—Expressing frustration that the new role had been imposed on it without even so much as a warning, a recently planted maple tree reportedly wished Tuesday that it had been given a say in becoming a memorial to a man’s dead wife. “It’s just a really awkward position to be put in; I didn’t even know the woman,” said the young deciduous plant, adding that its own feelings on the matter should have at least been taken into account before being forced to represent the lost love of some random person in perpetuity. “All I wanted was to get planted in the forest, but now I’m stuck in some backyard, watching this old sad sack sit on the bench near me every damn day while he bawls his eyes out over some dead lady. I’m going to be known as ‘Allison’s tree’ for the rest of my life—it’s complete bullshit.” At press time, the maple was reportedly putting all its energy into making sure that one of its roots grew straight through the woman’s memorial plaque.
Woman Attempts To Cram Few Years’ Worth Of Body Positivity Into 20 Minutes Before Trying On Bathing Suits #~# EAU CLAIRE, WI—Speeding through affirmations about her looks, area woman Cara Waller attempted Tuesday to cram a few years’ worth of body positivity into the 20 minutes she had before trying on bathing suits. “Listen up, girl, we don’t have a lot of time here, but just remember every body is a beach body and your value as a person isn’t tied to what size you wear,” said Waller, 28, furiously scribbling “Beauty is a feeling” onto a Post-it note and sticking it to her bathroom mirror before taking a full 45 seconds to list things she liked about her appearance. “I should have been focusing on radical self-acceptance all along, but for now, I’m just going to repeat some body-positive mantras while I look for a new swimsuit. Happiness isn’t size-specific! I’m more than just a number on a scale! I love me and that’s all that matters! Hopefully that will tide me over until I’m done shopping.” At press time, Waller had resigned herself to a black one-piece with a matching sarong.
New Alternate-History Drama Examines What Would Have Happened If Nazis Won 1991 NBA Finals #~# NEW YORK—Adding to its lineup an alternate-history drama that has been hotly anticipated by viewers and critics alike, the Showtime network will premiere an original series Sunday night that examines how the course of world events would have been altered if the Nazis had won the 1991 NBA Finals.
Myth Vs. Fact: Paid Sick Leave #~# The U.S. is one of the only countries not to mandate paid sick leave, a fact that many people believe is more harmful than helpful in the workplace, while opponents argue that it could hurt businesses. The Onion debunks common myths about paid sick leave.
Senior Pretty Checked Out During Entire Final Year #~# PHOENIXVILLE, PA—Acknowledging that he is, after all, at a difficult age, sources at the Golden Living Center nursing home confirmed Monday that local senior Frank Gardner has been pretty checked out during his final year. “All he does lately is zone out and stare off blankly, so you can tell Frank wants to just finish up this stressful transitional stage of his life and get the hell out of this place,” said attendant Laura Belkin, adding that because a lot of the 89-year-old’s friends moved on last year, she can’t blame Gardner for not wanting to hang around any longer than he has to. “There’s really not much for him to do here anymore that will really matter or mean anything. Mentally, he’s pretty much out of here already. Luckily for everyone, he has less than a month left.” At press time, a panicked Gardner had the sudden realization that he was not in fact ready to leave, but was forced to do so anyway.
Elon Musk Promises $1 Rides In L.A. Transit Tunnels #~# Boring Company founder Elon Musk revealed this week that rides in the 60-mile planned system of tunnels currently being dug underground will cost $1 for commuters and will be free for a period when their first 2.6 mile segment is open. What do you think?
MLB Reminds Teams To Properly Dispose Of All Torn Elbow Ligaments #~# NEW YORK—Annoyed with the players’ complete lack of common courtesy, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred sternly reminded teams Friday to properly dispose of any torn elbow ligaments. “Any discarded elbow ligaments should be tied off in a plastic bag and dropped in the designated receptacles. Staff and fans shouldn’t have to worry about stepping in disgusting connective tissues just because someone didn’t feel like picking them up,” said Manfred, explaining that the head groundskeeper at Miller Park recently had been forced to clean up a whole pile of old ligaments he found rotting in the sun. “Not only is it rude, it’s unsanitary—loose ligaments and tendons spread disease while attracting vermin. If you tear an elbow ligament, it’s your responsibility to clean up after it, don’t just toss it out onto left field.” Manfred added that the Mets would be subjected to $20,000 in fines for illegally dumping a container of discarded ligaments in Long Island Sound.
New Financial Report Finds Economy Invincible Forever This Time #~# WASHINGTON—Citing leading economic indicators for its robust forecast of the nation’s fiscal climate, a new report released Tuesday by the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis found that the prevailing financial expansion will only continue and the economy will be invincible forever this time. “All available data tell us that the once-cyclical nature of the markets has stabilized, and the booming economic growth, low unemployment rates, and manageably slow rates of inflation that the country is currently enjoying are, in fact, unalterable and permanent,” said Herman Dale, lead author of the study, who noted that all marketplace uncertainty and instability are now behind us, as the current metastable economy will generate hundreds of thousands of new jobs and solid returns on all investments for the foreseeable future. “Americans can have complete confidence in obtaining mortgages, opening small businesses, and starting families, as this endless growth bubble is utterly unburstable. In fact, if everyone threw their money into stocks right now during our perpetual bull market, we’d all be millionaires in just a few short years.” At press time, Dale and his team retracted the report upon discovering a miscalculation and realizing the economy is actually on the brink of a devastating tailspin that will sink the entire country into a decades-long recession.
Bill Gates: ‘Trump Twice Asked Me About The Difference Between HIV And HPV’ #~# Bill Gates revealed that President Trump asked him on two separate occasions if there was any difference between HIV—short for human immunodeficiency virus—and HPV—the human papillomavirus—two viruses that have very little to do with each other outside of their similar acronyms. What do you think?
Authorities Say Dozens Of Bystanders Failed To Act As Man Went About His Life #~# TAMPA, FL—Condemning the senseless and unnecessary nature of the slow-developing tragedy in the strictest possible terms, local authorities reported Monday that numerous bystanders failed to intervene as area man Brian Meehan went about his life. “Despite Mr. Meehan living his day-to-day life in clear view, many witnesses who could have rendered aid as the situation grew more dire instead stood by and did nothing,” said spokesperson Michelle Davidson, holding to account an entire cadre of strangers, friends, family members, coworkers, and even complete strangers, all of whom merely watched as Meehan dropped out of college, habitually ate frozen store-brand dinners from 7-11, and broke up with a patient and loving girlfriend over commitment issues. “Literally dozens saw Meehan walk into a telemarketing office for 12 straight years and work full-time hours there, yet they failed to intervene. Not one person who observed as the situation deteriorated made an effort to tell Meehan to reconcile with his father before he died. If just one single person had acted as these senseless catastrophes unfolded, untold suffering resulting in the senseless waste of a human life could have been avoided.” Local leaders say the heartbreaking disaster had them considering legislation requiring bystanders to intervene if they saw anyone signing up for improv classes.
‘Breitbart’ Refusing To Release Names Of Mass Shooting Victims In Order To Prevent Them From Getting Attention #~# LOS ANGELES—Far-right media outlet Breitbart News refused Monday to release the names of the 10 dead and 13 wounded in the Santa Fe High School mass shooting, saying that doing so would only give the victims exactly what they wanted. “We’re not going to give these victims the satisfaction of seeing their names and photographs published—in fact, that would just be playing right into their hands,” said editor-in-chief Alexander Mason Marlow, insisting that as a matter of journalistic principle, Breitbart News does not publish information on mass shooting victims as it simply serves to provide them with a platform to spread their vile beliefs. “After an atrocity like this, the media often digs up everything it can on the victims and they become household names. We here at Breitbart can proudly say that we will never give these types of people a voice. We especially don’t want to have a bunch of copycat victims out there on the national stage pushing the same delusional agenda.” At press time, Breitbart’s homepage featured a poignant 1,500 word write-up about the Santa Fe shooter and his struggles with mental health.
Desperate Starbucks Now Pleading For People To Masturbate, Use Drugs In Its Restrooms #~# SEATTLE, WA—In an effort to restore the company’s battered image in the wake of recent controversies, desperate Starbucks officials openly begged Monday for people to masturbate and use drugs in the coffee shop chain’s restrooms. “Please, just come in and do whatever the hell you want in the bathroom—feel free to shoot up or whack off—we’ll give you the code, no questions asked,” said Starbucks spokesperson Haley Drage, clarifying that, if a customer wished to stimulate their genitalia to the point of orgasm or snort a line of cocaine elsewhere in the store, they were also more than welcome to do so among the tables, while waiting in line, or behind the service counter. “We implore customers to just visit our locations. You don’t even have to buy anything; in fact, if you can provide proof you’ve masturbated or taken drugs in one of our stores, you can visit the counter for a free tall beverage of your choice. Come on, please just do this for us. Please?” At press time, the manager of a Starbucks in Phoenix, AZ had reportedly called the police on a black customer after he failed to masturbate or do any drugs within the first five minutes of his visit.
Report: All The Other Races Coming To Take Your Stuff #~# ITHACA, NY—A report published Monday by the Cornell University Department of Sociology revealed that all the other races are coming to take your stuff, and furthermore, they are coming soon. “Based on our research, Americans should know that every race outside of their own has been planning to take their stuff for a very long time and are now finally in the perfect position to do so,” said Allison Hahn, a co-author of the report, elaborating that the coming seizure of your property was likely linked to the fact that people from other races hate you, have always hated you, and by taking your possessions, wealth, and even career away from you, they seek not merely to enrich their undeserving selves, but also to see you suffer. “Of course, most members of the other races and ethnicities don’t deserve your stuff, or even most of their own stuff, which was just given to them and not earned through hard work, like your stuff, which is part of what makes your stuff more desirable to them. Especially your really good stuff. They’re definitely taking all of that.” The report went on to stress that the only way to ensure this never happens was to isolate yourself from every last member of the other races and never speak a word to them for the rest of your life.
‘The Onion’ Has Finally Read Michael Cohen’s 2013 Email Regarding His Client Donald Trump And Would Like To Discuss The Matter Further At His Convenience #~# In a free press, journalists must expose the truth even if it upsets those in power. Our work often leads to significant backlash, and we at The Onion are no strangers to receiving threats of legal action. While we generally dismiss them as the baseless accusations they are, we recently found an old cease-and-desist letter from the president’s personal attorney that has caused us to reexamine this policy. 
Biden Kicked Out Of Laundromat After Shag Rug Floods Washing Machine #~# DOVER, DE—Insisting that he was “totally fuckin’ innocent” as soapy water cascaded onto the establishment’s floor, former Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly kicked out of a local coin-op laundromat Thursday after his bright-orange shag rug flooded a washing machine. “Easy there, cabrón—ain’t my fault your piece-of-shit machine can’t handle Diamond Joe’s party carpet,” said Biden, reminding the 19-year-old attendant that the establishment had also “majorly fucked up” his Scorpions bomber jacket, custom Pontiac Firebird Trans Am floor mats, and sheepskin blanket, although he admitted the latter had “probably seen enough action to call it quits.” “I wouldn’t be caught dead in this dump anyway—you pin dicks can’t even refill the Mike & Ike dispenser, and fuck if I’m gonna chug brewhas on an empty stomach while getting my duds clean.” A laundromat employee later confirmed that the incident was “strike three” for Biden, revealing that the six-term Delaware senator had received two previous warnings to stop shaking the skill crane.
14th Severed Foot Washes Ashore In Pacific Northwest #~# A lone right foot wearing a hiking boot washed ashore in the Pacific Northwest, making it the 14th such severed foot in the past decade. What do you think?
Queen Elizabeth Announces Success Of Monarchy’s Recent Diversity Initiative #~# LONDON—Touting the remarkable progress made towards broader cultural representation in the royal family, Queen Elizabeth II declared Monday that the British monarchy’s recent diversity initiative was a complete success. “It is with great pleasure that I tell you all that the Crown’s plan to introduce diversity into the royal family has been a rousing success,” said the queen, who launched the initiative in 2013 in response to mounting public pressure for the Blood Royal to include more perspectives of people of color. “We’ve done a lot to bring more women in over the last decade, but we lagged behind in terms of multiethnic inclusion. It’s important that the royal family represents the true face of Britannia. Now, with Meghan in the fold, we’re just that much closer.” Following a mutually satisfactory follow-up meeting with Buckingham Palace’s Ministry of Workplace Standards, Health and Safety, the Crown announced that the initiative has been dissolved.
Supercuts CEO Apologizes For Number Of Customers Scalped Every Month #~# MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Emphasizing that a proper haircut should never lacerate a patron’s head, the CEO of Supercuts expressed remorse Friday while issuing a formal apology for the number of customers they scalp every month. “I want to personally acknowledge that even a single scalping is one too many for a Supercuts Hair Salon,” said CEO Steve Price, adding that while barbers are bound to accidentally shear the skin off a client’s head here and there, the dozens of scalping incidents a week do not reflect the company’s standards. “Unfortunately, the low prices you’ve come to enjoy mean that sometimes your stylist’s scissors or straight razor might slip and end up removing several layers of flesh below the hair follicle—and we are deeply sorry for that. As a result, we will dismiss any employee who has left customers with nothing but a bloody skull.” Price said that, on a more positive note, Supercuts was proud to announce that instances of beheadings in their shops had been reduced to an all-time low.
Family Wishes Dad Could Find Healthier Way To Express Emotions Than Bursting Into Full-Blown Musical Number #~# PORTSMOUTH, NH—Saying that an inability to properly cope with his feelings often led them to come out in sudden and unexpected ways, the family of local man Drew Walton told reporters Friday that they wished he could find a healthier way to express his emotions than always bursting into a full-blown musical number. “Dad kind of bottles everything up until he finally reaches a breaking point and erupts into a perfectly choreographed song-and-dance routine,” said Tricia Walton, 16, confirming that even seemingly small inconveniences such as misplacing his phone or hitting traffic could cause her father to explode into an up-tempo ditty about the highs and lows of modern life. “A couple days ago, he found out that Mom threw away some of his old magazines and he went nuts. He was belting out notes in multiple octaves, doing bell kicks all over the place, sliding down the banister—it was a full-on showstopper. And sure, he’s singing about how one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, but I know that he’s really upset because he doesn’t feel appreciated. Anyway, he must have been going on like that for 15 minutes, looking for someone to start a duet with, before he finally soft-shoed into the garage. I just wish he could go to therapy or something instead of having to put everyone through this.” Walton speculated that her dad’s outbursts might be connected to being raised by a father who would reportedly stay in bed for days at a time doing nothing except reprising the same mournful ballad.
Man At Park Who Set Up Table Full Of Water Cups Has No Idea How Passing Marathon Runners Got Impression They Can Take Them #~# CHICAGO—Expressing his incredulity at the race participants’ level of entitlement, a local man who set up a table full of water cups at Grant Park told reporters Sunday he had no idea how passing marathon runners got the impression they could just take them. “I came here like I do every weekend to enjoy a leisurely afternoon of sipping water from dozens of small cups, and all of a sudden these jerks in spandex start dashing through and stealing them,” said Evan Burdette, who confirmed that he didn’t go through the effort of erecting a folding table under his favorite tree and filling 30 or 40 Dixie cups from a nearby water fountain only to have them snatched away by a bunch of strangers. “This is my favorite part of the week, a special little treat just for me, and they’re ruining the whole thing. I tried chasing after one of them, but he was going too fast, and then when I got back to my table, some other assholes had grabbed even more cups and crumpled them on the ground. They’ve been at it for the last hour and a half—who do these people think they are?” At press time, Burdette was reportedly outraged after another group of runners pilfered several pieces of his personal supply of nipple tape.
Meghan Markle’s College Friends Stuck At Table With Sickly Habsburg Cousins #~# WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Bemoaning their luck as they watched other wedding guests happily mingle over dinner, Meghan Markle’s college friends confirmed Saturday that they had gotten stuck sitting at a table with the British Royal Family’s sickly Habsburg cousins. “Ugh, of course we get saddled with the weird, pale cousins who can’t enunciate while answering a simple question because their enlarged tongues are too big for their mouths,” said Bethany Parrish, who, along with two other Northwestern alumnae, spent the reception awkwardly conversing with the gaunt, severely deformed descendants of the House of Habsburg discussing royal lineage, genetic disorders, and vacationing in Bohemia. “I get that we’re not the most important people at this wedding, but come on! The cross-eyed one—Rudolph XVI, I think—keeps putting his hand on that bald woman’s thigh, and they definitely mentioned they were siblings.” At press time, Parrish’s attempt to break the tension by inviting the cousins to the dance floor had failed after several collapsed from iron deficiency midway through “Uptown Funk.”
Backstreet Boys Release First Single Since 2013 #~# This week, pop band Backstreet Boys released “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart,” their first single in five years, alongside a music video in which they dance with a female hologram. What do you think?
Royal Wedding Photographer Feeling Pretty Guilty About Time He Ran Princess Di Off Road #~# WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Attempting to keep his past in the past while setting up a shot of newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, royal wedding photographer Geoff Kelly was unable to completely suppress his guilt over the 1997 incident in which he ran Princess Diana off the road in Paris’ Pont de l’Alma tunnel, killing the Princess, her companion Dodi Fayed, and their driver. “I don’t think the Royal Family recognizes me, but I don’t think I’m imagining the awkwardness in here,” said Kelly, simultaneously requesting that Harry take a half step to the left and vividly recalling the relentless pursuit of his mother’s limousine through the streets of Paris, as well as the Mercedes’ sickening impact on the concrete column during the harsh bursts of his camera’s flash. “I have to keep telling myself it’s been 21 years now. It’s most likely just water under the bridge. Either way, one thing that hasn’t changed is that I’m still a professional—I put my feelings aside, show up, snap some photos, and move on to the next gig.” Kelly concluded the session soon afterwards upon overhearing Prince Harry remark that he looked rather familiar.
Prince Harry Shows Guest To Air Mattress In Corner Of Windsor Castle #~# WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Ensuring his college friend had a comfortable place to crash while in town for the upcoming wedding, Prince Harry led guest Arnold Hayweather to an air mattress in an unused side room at Windsor Castle. “Ah, here we are. I inflated the old boy pretty good, so feel free to let some air out if it’s too firm, but keep in mind it’ll probably deflate a bit overnight,” the soon-to-be-wed Prince told his guest, handing him a single faded towel and adding that the closest bathroom could be found in the stables nearest the George IV gateway on the far side of the 13-acre estate grounds. “I’ll give your name to the Queen’s Guards, they shouldn’t bother you in the least. There’s no password on the WiFi, and, oh, yes—if you wouldn’t mind just tucking your suitcase and stuff against the wall during the daytime? The tours come through to see this portrait of the Earl of Shaftesbury. Thanks awfully for coming. We’re so glad you could make it.” Harry later sent a courier with a note to inform Hayweather that if he found his current spot got too much sunlight, he should feel free to move the mattress to the crypt beneath St. George’s Chapel.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# SANTA FE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and seriously injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Friday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Ohio resident Erica Webb, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
U.S. Military Defends Controversial Decision To Test Kilauea Volcano On Hawaiian Civilians #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining the strategy behind the recent domestic deployment of their new geological weapon, U.S. military officials released a statement Friday defending their much-criticized decision to test the Kilauea volcano on Hawaiian civilians. “The defense of our nation is paramount, and as recently as last month, we lacked a comprehensive practical understanding of the costs, side effects, and ultimate strategic advantages of deploying the Kilauea volcano in a real-world environment,” said U.S. Air Force General and Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Paul Selva, who declared the launch of the top-secret, $65 billion military project as an unequivocal success. “We anticipated that the residents of Hawaii would be frustrated with the number of homes destroyed by lava and the amount of volcanic ash particles in the air, but those who would denounce this vital military initiative need to remember that Hawaii is actually sparsely populated and far more isolated relative to other potential test areas. From a military perspective, Project Kilauea Eruption is now ready for frontline use in future conflicts, so in the long run, volcanic tests on American citizens are part of our very real commitment to protecting American lives.” Pentagon sources disclosed that the Kilauea project was fast-tracked after recent seismic activity in North Korea suggested that they were developing several volcanoes of their own.
Wisconsin Man Eats 30,000th Big Mac, Breaking World Record #~# Longtime McDonald’s fan Don Gorske entered the Guinness Book Of World Records after eating his 30,000th Big Mac, calling the hamburger sandwich “the best food I’ve ever had.” What do you think?
Sociologists Confirm Emergence Of Generation More Entitled, Self-Absorbed Than Any Seen Before #~# BERKELEY, CA—Extrapolating trends observed over the course of the previous few generations, sociologists at the University of California, Berkeley confirmed Friday the inevitable emergence of a generation more entitled and self-absorbed than any seen before. “According to our data, we are roughly a decade from experiencing a demographic with levels of unearned confidence, narcissism, and self-obsession that doubles or even triples those of millennials,” lead researcher Dr. Susan Perkins said of this cohort, projected to consist of not only the laziest individuals ever born, giving up exponentially quicker than Generation Z at the sight of adversity, but also the most entitled, shattering the precedent set by their millennial parents with the sheer magnitude of their expectations of handouts, unending pats on the back, and participation trophies. “This generation will suffer a panic attack mere seconds after hearing a conflicting political viewpoint, facing the inevitability of getting a job, or losing the absolute, unconditional support of their parents for even a moment. Moreover, evidence indicates that the coming generation will expect everyone to simply fall to their knees at the very mention of them, worshipping and praising them more than all existing generations combined.” Acknowledging the bleakness of these findings, Perkins added that this generation will at least offer a bright spot by participating in unprecedented levels of fucking.
Mohawked Rex Tillerson Warns U.S. Democracy Threatened By Plutocratic Fascist Pigs Fucking Over The Working Man #~# WASHINGTON—Challenging American citizens to band together, rise up, and break out of their “mind prisons,” mohawked former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson Thursday warned that U.S. democracy was being threatened by plutocratic fascist pigs fucking over the working man. “These totalitarian autocrats are coming to fuck you, man,” said Tillerson, pausing briefly to strike a match off his teeth, light a hand-rolled cigarette, and mutter that the goddamn fat cats love seeing all us hamsters spin in our little wheels to power their trip. “You all need to stop being fucking sheep and see the world for what it is, man. It’s past fucking time we went out and dragged these corporatist parasites kicking and screaming through the streets—and if anybody disagrees, I’ve got two middle fingers for them right here.” Tillerson responded to a follow-up question concerning his relationship with Donald Trump by saying “here’s how I feel about that piece of shit,” flipping over the lectern, and kicking Breitbart correspondent Charlie Spiering in the crotch.
Woman Nervously Reaches For Cell Phone As Suspicious Black Man Tells Her Today’s Soup Is Minestrone #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Claiming she had been keeping a cautious eye on him from the moment she sat down, local woman Rebecca Marinelli confirmed Thursday that she anxiously reached for her cell phone after a suspicious-looking black man told her the soup of the day was minestrone. “I just didn’t like the look of him, lurking around in that apron, and then he came right up to me, pulling out a pad of paper and asking if I would like anything to drink,” said Marinelli, who reportedly exchanged nervous glances with her friend across the table and quietly dialed 911 after seeing the strange man go up to people at another table and ask them for money. “I have no idea why he’s here. He isn’t buying anything. God, my heart was in my throat when he came over here and asked if he could refill my water. I even tried to take a video on my phone for the police, but it was too hard to see his face behind the trays of food he was carrying.” At press time, sources reported that police arriving on the scene had pulled their firearms and slammed the suspect onto a table after he produced a threatening packet of oyster crackers.
Senate Intelligence Committee Confirms From Testimony That Donald Trump Jr. Has No Knowledge #~# WASHINGTON—Confident that their findings represented a clear step forward in the ongoing Russia investigation, the Senate Intelligence Committee confirmed Thursday that Donald Trump Jr. has no knowledge. “After questioning him many times, we can confirm that Donald Trump Jr. knows absolutely nothing about anything; he’s a vapid, empty vessel,” said committee chairman Richard Burr, adding that thorough interrogation of the President’s eldest son left the panel with no reason to believe he had any information to disclose about himself, the world around him, or even the most basic of concepts such as shapes, colors, or simple numbers. “So far, our investigation has yielded no evidence that Donald Trump Jr. has the ability to retain or even process information, let alone form that information into thoughts. By all accounts, the man is barely sentient.” The committee went on to confirm that a recent questioning of brother Eric Trump resulted in a surprising amount of information regarding dinosaurs and fire trucks.
George R.R. Martin Promises Fans ‘The Winds Of Winter’ Is Nearly Started #~# SANTA FE, NM—Stoking readers’ anticipation about the long-awaited Game Of Thrones sequel, best-selling author George R.R. Martin promised fans Thursday that his upcoming novel The Winds Of Winter was nearly started. “I wanted to let everyone know that I’m sitting at my desk with a nice cup of tea, I’ve got a Word document open, and I’m just about ready to go,” Martin wrote in a blog post on his website, assuring readers that as soon as he cleared off his desk and threw a load of laundry into the dryer, he could pretty much begin. “I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, but at this point, I’ve basically already brainstormed a couple of character names and written part of an outline for chapter one. After that, it shouldn’t take more than another three or four weeks until I’m ready to check a few emails, grab some groceries, and put the very earliest touches on the manuscript. Can’t wait!” At press time, the author had been forced to return to square one after realizing he needed a better title than The Winds Of Winter.
Kim Jong-Un Threatens To Pull Out Of Nuclear Summit #~# North Korea threatened to cancel President Trump’s upcoming nuclear summit with Kim Jong-un Wednesday following a U.S. military drill, though the United States downplayed the likelihood of a cancellation. What do you think?
Oprah Winfrey Breaks Record For Most Appearances On The Cover Of ‘O Magazine’ #~# NEW YORK—Gracing the cover of her magazine for the 218th time since it began publication in 2000, Oprah Winfrey has broken the record for most appearances on the cover of O, The Oprah Magazine, staff at the publication confirmed Thursday. “We always love having Oprah in the office. She just really embodies what this magazine is all about,” said O editor-in-chief Lucy Kaylin, who noted that the June 2018 cover featuring the media mogul edged out the previous record of 217 cover appearances, previously set in May of 2018 by Winfrey herself. “Ellen DeGeneres, Michelle Obama, and Beast, a 10-year-old African lion, are among those tied in second place for the title with one cover each. Though I should mention that Oprah does in fact appear along with them on the front of those issues as well.” Kaylin added that to mark the occasion, the record-breaking edition of the magazine features an exclusive cover story on Winfrey, plus an eight-page photo spread featuring the talk show host and actress.
Everything You Need To Know About The Royal Wedding #~# Prince Harry will marry American Meghan Markle on May 19. The Onion provides all the important details you need to know about the royal wedding.
Furious Meghan Markle Can’t Believe Harry Hasn’t Told Family She’s Black Yet #~# LONDON—Reacting with indignation and frustration as her fiancé admitted his continued omission, furious royal bride-to-be Meghan Markle found herself unable to believe Thursday that Prince Harry had not yet informed the royal family that she is, in fact, black. “Jesus, Harry, what the hell? Are you ashamed of me? Because that’s what this feels like,” said the incredulous Markle, interrupting her stammering betrothed to ask when he was planning on telling them, how he could be such a coward that he’d blatantly betray her trust, and exactly what the fuck he meant by “I didn’t think it was a big deal.” “You say they’ll be cool with it, but seriously, Harry, you don’t know how white people can get about this stuff. I really don’t want to show up to the royal goddamned wedding and suddenly the Queen, Prince Charles, and Camilla Little-Miss-Perfect Duchess of Cornwall are being all weird! I wonder what could make them act like that, huh? Oh, God—please say your brother Prince William at least knows.” At press time, a fed-up Markle responded to the prince’s question of whether she’s calling off the wedding by saying she “just can’t deal right now” and storming out of the room.
Chocolate Spill Covers Highway In Poland #~# Tons of liquid chocolate is now hardening on a Polish highway after a delivery truck overturned, creating traffic jams and headaches for cleanup crews. What do you think?
Houseguest Given Entire Rundown On Input 1, Input 2 #~# GRAND ISLAND, NE—In an effort to ensure their visitor was completely comfortable and conversant with all entertainment amenities, houseguest Brian Heatley was thoroughly briefed Thursday on the TV remote’s “Input 1” and “Input 2” modes and their corresponding effects on the family entertainment system. “Okay, one is for TV, and two is the DVD player. If it’s not working, it might be on AUX, so just keep hitting ‘source’ until you get there,” said homeowner Pete Sabin, who also provided further instruction on how to operate the Roku. “If, for whatever reason, you can’t find the remote, there are also buttons right here on the side of the TV where you can change the input manually. If anything seems weird, just give us a shout upstairs.” Heatley politely thanked his host before spending the rest of the night watching Netflix on his laptop.
Australian ‘Man With The Golden Arm’ Retires After Saving 2.4 Million Babies #~# An Australian blood donor who has saved 2.4 million lives with 1,172 donations of his rare antibody-containing plasma has retired from giving blood after turning 81—the legal limit in Australia. What do you think?
Cash-Strapped MoviePass Limiting New Users To One Movie Filmed In CEO’s Backyard Per Month #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to cut operating costs while still offering consumers the option to make cinema more accessible, cash-strapped ticketing service MoviePass announced Wednesday they would limit new subscribers to a single movie filmed in their CEO’s backyard per month. “We are proud to announce our new pricing model that allows cinema lovers to view a feature written, produced, and shot just for them in [MoviePass chief executive officer] Mitch Lowe’s yard each month,” said spokesperson Jenny Shifly, adding that users would be given exclusive access to bespoke blockbusters, such as the 160-second superhero epic Avengers in which Lowe dons an Iron Man mask and is pursued relentlessly around his shrubs by his children, dressed in their Spider-Man pajamas and armed with Silly String. “It’s as easy as checking in on the app when you arrive at his home. Unfortunately, online ticketing is not available, so you’ll have to come to the stand in his front lawn. All you need to do from there is grab some concessions in his kitchen and enjoy the show!” Shifly added that new MoviePass members should soon be receiving their copy of the CEO’s house keys in the mail.
NSA Scrambling To Reestablish Whereabouts Of Man Who Covered Laptop Camera With Tape #~# FORT MEADE, MD—Taken aback by the brazen attempt to cripple the U.S. national security apparatus, high-ranking officials at the National Security Agency reportedly spent Wednesday morning scrambling to reestablish the whereabouts of a man who had covered his laptop camera with a piece of electrical tape. “Dammit, we’ve lost him,” senior intelligence analyst Edward Greenwood said moments after the man’s hands were seen moving toward the camera while holding a small, black, rectangular object presumed to be a strip of tape. “It’s like he just vanished into thin air. He could be absolutely anywhere! C’mon, people—I want status reports every 30 minutes until we track this bastard down! We can’t let him fall completely off the grid. The only thing we have to go on now is all the data from his smartphone and every email he’s ever sent or received.” At press time, sources inside the agency confirmed they had already sent a memo to the House Intelligence Committee demanding stricter controls on sales of opaque adhesives to civilians.
Supreme Court Votes 7-2 To Legalize All Worldly Vices #~# WASHINGTON—On the heels of this week’s decision lifting a federal ban on sports betting, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a 7-2 ruling Wednesday that legalizes all worldly vices, with the justices decreeing that immoral behaviors such as gambling, drug use, prostitution, and incest are “all good now.” “It is the opinion of this court that the right to participate in various forms of debauchery, whether heroin injection, illicit sex, or cannibalism, should not be impeded by any law,” Justice Samuel Alito wrote for the majority, adding that if something is considered unethical or depraved, but you feel like doing it anyway, the court “doesn’t give a shit” and you should just do whatever you want. “The government has no legitimate constitutional basis upon which to police any wicked or immoral actions that serve to satisfy an individual’s basest desires or appetites. As far as we’re concerned, everyone can just have at it.” At press time, reports confirmed the court adjourned for a brief recess during which several of the justices personally tested the waters with necrophilia.
Bath & Body Works Now Offering Free Lotion Tastings #~# REYNOLDSBURG, OH—Inviting customers to come in and sample their mouthwatering selection of hydrating shea butters, Bath & Body Works announced Wednesday it would now offer free body lotion tastings at each of its over 1,600 retail locations. “Before investing in an entire bottle of one of our moisturizing products, we highly recommend customers taste a dollop and make sure they like the flavor, texture, and mouthfeel first,” said Bath & Body Works’ director of marketing Talia Jensen, adding that stores will now be equipped with various stations where patrons can pick up complimentary squirts of rejuvenating essential oils, taste them, and then throw their sample cup and spoon into a nearby trash can. “Of course, people are still welcome to shop for lotions by scent alone, but to get the full subtlety of our sweet and savory Moonlight Path Body Butter, for example, you really need to let it sit on your tongue. The last thing we want is for someone to return one of our products simply because they’re dissatisfied with the flavor profile.” Industry analysts confirmed that the move was likely a response to the introduction of free tastings at Yankee Candle.
Spotify Removes R. Kelly From Promotions As Part Of Anti-Hate Policy #~# Spotify announced that it will no longer promote the R&B singer’s music on its editorial or algorithmic playlists in accordance with its public hate content and hateful conduct policy. What do you think?
God Humbled To Be The Answer To ‘Jeopardy!’ Clue #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying that being featured on the long-running game show was a dream come true, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Wednesday that He was incredibly humbled to be the answer to a Jeopardy question. “Obviously, when I separated the light from the darkness and created all things I wasn’t doing it for the recognition, but it still feels really cool to see my name up on the board like that,” said the Almighty, who spent the day taking calls from friends congratulating Him on being the answer to a $600 clue in the category of “Religion.” “I can’t believe Alex Trebek said my name on TV! I’m such a huge Jeopardy fan, so it’s pretty awesome that I get to be a little part of it. Sure, it would have been nice to be the Daily Double, but I’m not complaining.” At press time, God had emailed His son a link to the episode with a note to jump to the 12-minute mark to see the clue.
Report: John Grisham Slowly But Surely Climbing List Of Greatest Living American Authors #~# OXFORD, MI—In the wake of the literary world’s loss of iconic New Journalism writer Tom Wolfe, a report released Tuesday by the New York Review Of Books revealed that John Grisham—the novelist behind such works as The Last Juror, A Time To Kill, and Skipping Christmas—was slowly but steadily climbing the ranks of the greatest living American authors. “With the recent death of Tom Wolfe, we can confirm that Mr. Grisham, the legal fiction writer behind both Theodore Boone: The Accused and Theodore Boone: Kid Lawyer, has continued his reliable ascent up the most notable living names in American letters,” the report read in part, adding that the recent passing of Ursula Le Guin, Denis Johnson, and Robert M. Pirsig had also contributed to the crime author rising several places to 3,071 on a running ranking of important U.S. litterateurs. “His position in the list did drop several dozen spots when he released Sycamore Row back in 2017, but otherwise, his march toward becoming one of the nation’s most significant literary minds appears to be continuing unimpeded.” The report concluded that despite his recent gains, Grisham would likely never come to surpass David Baldacci, the current greatest living American author.
Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Sports Betting #~# The Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that a federal law that has effectively prohibited sports betting outside Nevada is unconstitutional. What do you think?
Venus Horrified After Finding Millions Of Nude Pictures Of Herself On Internet #~# FLORENCE, ITALY—Insisting that she never intended for anyone besides her boyfriend to see the explicit images, Venus, the Roman goddess of love and fertility, was reportedly horrified Tuesday upon browsing the internet and discovering millions of nude pictures of herself. “Oh, my God, someone uploaded all these nudes and now a bunch of pervs are ogling my naked body online,” said Venus, who, according to reports, racked her brain trying to figure out who might want to humiliate her by publicly sharing the enormous cache of graphic images. “What the hell is wrong with people? These are my private paintings! They’re on tons of websites—I’ll never be able to get them all taken down. My vagina is covered, at least, but my boobs are out in a whole bunch of them.” At press time, sources confirmed Venus was looking up revenge porn laws after receiving an incriminating text from her ex, Vulcan.
IDF Soldier Recounts Harrowing, Heroic War Story Of Killing 8-Month-Old Child #~# JERUSALEM—Describing the terrifying yet valiant experience to his fellow battalion members, Israel Defense Forces soldier Yossi Saadon recounted Tuesday his harrowing, heroic war story of killing an 8-month-old Palestinian child during a violent attack against protesters. “It was a heart-pounding experience—there was smoke and gunfire all around me, and I made a split-second decision to hurl that canister of tear gas at the encroaching infant cradled in her father’s arms,” said Saadon to the group of awed soldiers, describing the chills that went up and down his spine as he realized that all he had was his M16 assault rifle and some tear gas to defend himself against the unarmed Palestinian family standing only dozens of yards away. “I could see the whites of the baby’s eyes and hear her terrifying cries, and I knew it was either her or me. And this wasn’t some newborn infant, you know? This was a baby who could probably sit up independently. I was scared, but I acted quickly to throw that tear gas at her and her older sister. And who knows how many lives I saved when I shot the women trying to help her?” At press time, Saadon’s battalion commander informed him that he was submitting his name for the Medal of Valor, the IDF’s highest honor.
Netanyahu Announces Day Of Mourning For Fence Damaged In Yesterday’s Conflict #~# JERUSALEM—Wiping away a tear as he confirmed the public’s worst fears, Israel prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu officially declared a nationwide day of mourning Tuesday for a section of security fence damaged in yesterday’s conflict at the Gaza border. “We must all come together and take the time to grieve for this poor, innocent length of fence,” said Netanyahu, who throughout his reportedly stirring eulogy shared several images of the youthful barrier, which was first erected between Israel and the Gaza Strip in 1994. “Let us never forget what happened to this beautiful razor wire–topped barricade, which still had so much life ahead of it. As we lower our flags to half-mast, I encourage all Israelis to take a few moments to consider the great sacrifices made by our many brave fabricated enclosures.” Sources confirmed Netanyahu concluded the solemn ceremony with a 21-gun salute fired directly into a group of Palestinian protesters.
Worst Man-Made Disasters In History #~# Man-made disasters, ones in which human activity (or inaction) causes or indirectly leads to environmental destruction and health issues, can have devastating long-term effects. The Onion looks back at the worst man-made disasters in modern history.
Pink Jersey Proves That Woman Is Sports Fan, Yet Also Retains A Certain Femininity #~# BALTIMORE—Marveling at her ability to shed so many preconceptions and societal norms, sources confirmed Tuesday that the pink Baltimore Orioles jersey worn by local 27-year-old Kelly Fournette undoubtedly shows that she is a sports fan, yet at the same time also maintains her femininity. “It is clear that this woman enjoys the sport of baseball, but the fact that her jersey is pink and not, as one would expect, orange and black, reveals that she still retains what would generally be considered traditional feminine qualities,” said onlooker Gabrielle Walters, adding that Fournette’s deft navigation around conventional gender roles was only further evidenced by the name “Mrs. Machado” emblazoned on the back of the baseball jersey above a lavender-embroidered number 13. “Here is a woman you can picture kicking back with a few beers at the game alongside several of her male friends, but just as vivid is the image of her waltzing at a gala dinner while wearing high heels and a beautiful chiffon gown. I wish I could walk such a fine line, but alas, my jersey merely features the standard home colors of the team.” Sources added that the jersey worn by Fournette’s boyfriend, which bore his own last name on the back as opposed to one of the players’, illustrates that he is a devoted sports fan who understands the importance of preserving one’s own sense of individuality.
Jon Bon Jovi Jealous Of Former Classmate Who Made It Out Of Jersey #~# MIDDLETOWN, NJ—Rattling off reason after reason why his hometown sucked, rock icon Jon Bon Jovi sheepishly told reporters Tuesday that he’s been feeling jealous of a former classmate lately who had managed to make it out of New Jersey. “Michael McCleary, man, that guy bought a one-way ticket out of this shithole and never came back,” said the 56-year-old musician, admitting he sometimes fantasizes about what his life would have been like had he moved west with his best friend after graduation and enrolled in college instead of starting a band and working gig to gig “in Monmouth fucking County.” “Apparently, he’s a big-shot accountant living in California while I’m just some middle-aged chump stuck in the Garden State playing shows at the same old venues. Jeez, if Michael could see me today, I wonder what he’d think of old Jon Bon Jovi?” At press time, Bon Jovi took a moment to reflect and reassured himself that while things were bad, at least he wasn’t stuck living out in Colts Neck like his buddy Bruce Springsteen.
Riders Spend 2 Hours Trapped On Highest Part Of Roller Coaster #~# Thirty-two riders at Universal Studios Japan spent two hours stuck atop a 98-foot-tall hill after a malfunction on the Jurassic Park-themed Flying Dinosaur prevented the ride from continuing. What do you think?
Frightened Rabbit Singer Scott Hutchison Dead At 36 #~# Lead singer of Scottish rock band Frightened Rabbit Scott Hutchison has died in an apparent suicide at the age of 36, leaving behind a legacy of speaking out on mental health awareness with songs such as “Swim Until You Can’t See Land,” “The Modern Leper,” and “Keep Yourself Warm.” What do you think?
Trump Fascinated By Israeli Cultural Tradition Of Mass Slaughter Of Protesters #~# WASHINGTON—After spending the better part of Monday afternoon watching live television coverage of the demonstrations in the hotly contested Gaza Strip, Donald Trump declared himself “absolutely fascinated” by the Israeli cultural tradition of slaughtering protestors. “It’s very beautiful, such a beautiful custom,” said Trump of the cherished Israeli pastime of mowing down unarmed Palestinians with rifle fire. “They’ve been doing this for years, but this is the first time I got a chance to watch the whole ritual. It’s really something, very powerful. Other countries use just tear gas, but here, they outright murder people for throwing glass bottles. I can really see something like this catching on in the United States.” Trump added he was “particularly moved” by the portion of the festivities that celebrated a 13-year-old Palestinian boy becoming a dead man.
Man Surprised By How Often He Still Uses Bullying Skills He Learned In High School #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting he didn’t think he’d be utilizing intimidation tactics from his childhood this far down the line, 38-year-old Gene Booker confirmed Monday that he was surprised by how often he still uses the bullying skills he learned in high school. “I always thought destroying other people’s confidence and sense of self-worth was something I’d just do as a kid, but it’s actually been really useful in my professional life today,” said Booker, adding that he never would have gotten his promotion had he not learned to take credit for others’ work back in ninth grade and then proceeded to steal answers to every assignment he turned in the next four years. “Honestly, back then, you couldn’t have convinced me that basic skills like physical or mental harassment would ever be helpful as an adult. I mean, if you told me back then that two decades later, I’d still be spreading malicious rumors about people behind their backs in order to get ahead, I’d have said you were crazy.” Booker added that he was also surprised at how all those years spent mistreating young women in high school had really come in handy during his marriage.
Couple Just Wants Small Ceremony In Public Park With Close Friends And Shirtless Stranger Hanging Around Tree #~# SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Speaking to reporters ahead of their planned June wedding, engaged couple Sarah Hargrove and Brian Neely confirmed Monday that all they wanted was a small ceremony at their local park surrounded by close friends and a shirtless stranger hanging around a tree. “When we envision our special day, we’re picturing a modest ceremony, maybe 50 people max, with our friend presiding and some creepy dude in the background grinning every so often as he sips out of a brown paper bag,” said Hargrove, noting that she wanted a photographer who worked mostly in black-and-white and for the best shots to accidentally capture the guy either urinating in a bush or scratching the back of his cargo shorts. “We’ve been to a lot of big, fancy weddings, but that’s not really our style—we just want an intimate gathering in a picturesque outdoor setting made extremely uncomfortable by some random weirdo’s constant presence.” Hargrove added that it was also important for them to have a picnic-style caterer whom the shirtless guy would harass for leftovers.
Trump Announces North Korea Summit Will Be In Singapore #~# President Donald Trump announced he will meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un in Singapore on June 12. What do you think?
Dalai Lama Announces Next Life To Be His Last Before Retirement #~# MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—After assuming the position for more than two millennia, Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet, announced Monday that the next will be his final life before retirement. “I’ve had a good run continuously reincarnating as a tulku these past few dozen lives, but after much consideration, I think it’s finally time to hang up the ol’ saffron robes and get off the dharma wheel,” said His Holiness, thanking all 74 generations of Tibetans he’s served since the sixth Century B.C.E. and adding that he’s “had a blast” and “learned a ton” while living as each of the 14 Dalai Lamas, not to mention as Bodhisattva of Compassion Avalokiteśvara’s dozens of other Earthly manifestations. “I have so many great memories from my times on Earth, from inhabiting the physical form of Dromtön to founding the Kadam school back in the 11th Century to living in the majestic winter palace of the Potala during the 1600s. But there’s an art to knowing when to quit, and now’s my time.” His Holiness further added that he’s just looking forward to some much-needed rest upon moving on to permanent and everlasting death.
Americans Get Ready For Mother’s Day #~# Across the nation, Americans are getting ready to celebrate their moms this Sunday. What do you plan for Mother’s Day?
Alcoholic Parent Easy To Shop For #~# SIESTA KEY, FL—Saying that it was simple and straightforward to locate a gift that their mother would enjoy, the children of alcoholic Alison Cassidy confirmed Friday that she was pretty easy to shop for. “It’s cool that we don’t have to get stressed out running around to a bunch of different shops when we can just duck into the liquor store and arrive at her house with the perfect present,” said Lance Cassidy, 24, telling reporters that he knew his mother would love anything he picked out with an ABV of 20 percent or higher. “Of course, all of us kids try and find some special booze that she has an emotional connection to, but at the end of the day, I know she’d be just as happy with a huge plastic bottle of Popov as some finely aged small-batch bourbon as long as it came from us and will get her absolutely shitfaced.” Cassidy added that he and his siblings faced significantly greater challenges shopping for their father who almost always exchanged whatever they gave him for cash to feed his gambling addiction.
Investigation Confirms NBC Management Had No Knowledge Of Misconduct In Matt Lauer’s Network-Sanctioned Sex Dungeon #~# NEW YORK—Following multiple allegations of sexual misbehavior against the former Today Show host, NBC announced Friday that internal investigations found company management had no knowledge of misconduct occurring in Matt Lauer’s network-sanctioned sex dungeon. “We found no evidence that human resources had received complaints concerning the rhinestone whips or doggy-style spreaders in the BDSM playroom NBC installed, as per the terms of his contract, behind Mr. Lauer’s office in 2006,” said NBCUniversal counsel Kim Harris, adding that Today Show leadership were also never made aware of any workplace transgressions in the former news anchor’s butterfly fuck swings, steel stripper cages, or 10-man gangbang ligature frames. “We take these claims very seriously, but our findings indicate that neither the misuse of shackles nor the flaying of human flesh for Mr. Lauer’s pleasure was ever reported to administrators. To their knowledge, no one who was locked in Mr. Lauer’s dungeon and maintained consciousness was ever made to feel uncomfortable during the lashing, gagging, or whipping.” Harris added that, going forward, NBC plans to more closely monitor all its sex dungeons to ensure its on-air talent is fostering a healthy and safe workplace environment.
AT&T CEO Regrets Hiring Cohen Instead Of Just Dropping A Ton Of Cash At Trump International Hotel Like Everyone Else #~# DALLAS—Acknowledging the company had made a serious error in its efforts to curry favor with the president, AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson reportedly admitted Friday that he regretted hiring Trump’s personal attorney, Michael Cohen, to help its merger with Time Warner go through instead of just dropping a ton of cash off at the Trump International Hotel like everyone else. “On behalf of AT&T, I apologize for our decision to pay Mr. Cohen to influence the president’s agenda and not just drive up to the back door of the Trump hotel in D.C. with a briefcase full of cash,” said Stephenson, adding that the $600,000 the company paid Cohen as a political consultant would have been put to much better use as part of a collection of unmarked bills in a duffel bag handed off to a guy in the hotel lobby. “I regret trying to use Mr. Cohen as a middleman instead of just going directly to the Trump hotel with our bribe and being done with it. Not only did we have to deal with all of Mr. Cohen’s disorganized bullshit, as well as his pretty shocking lack of knowledge on how regulatory reform actually works, but we also were never sure how much of our money was actually being used to influence the administration’s policy-making. I can assure everyone that from now on, AT&T will follow the lead of other companies by just depositing a bunch of cash on the hotel’s loading dock.” Stephenson added that AT&T and Time Warner were also taking the extra step of leaving tons of cash at the offices of multiple members of the president’s cabinet.
Director Of Census Bureau Calls For Updated Population Report After Realizing He Forgot To Count Himself #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide the most accurate possible picture of the nation’s demographics, the Director of the U.S. Census Bureau Ron Jarmin called for an updated population report Friday after realizing he had completely forgotten to count himself. “This is a bit embarrassing, but it looks like I neglected to take myself into account during the last population report, and we’ll need a full recount to figure out where exactly I went wrong,” said Jarmin, who noted that he had been so focused on producing an accurate tally of the United States population that he had failed factor in his own age, income bracket, and ethnicity into the report. “I had this nagging feeling that I might be forgetting something when we did the count, but I was just so relieved to be wrapping up that I figured 325 million had to be pretty close. The worst part is we’re going to have to redraw all the congressional districts—man, I did this last census, too.” At press time, Jarmin had been forced to stop the recount and start over after totally losing track of how many million Americans he had already counted.
‘I Look Forward To Ending My Life,’ Says Assisted Suicide Advocate Before Being Shot Out Of Cannon At Brick Wall #~# BASEL, SWITZERLAND—Bedecked in a red cape and leather jumpsuit as he began shimmying into the muzzle of the artillery weapon, assisted suicide advocate David Goodall told reporters Thursday that he looked forward to ending his life before being shot out of a cannon at a brick wall. “At my age, and even earlier than my age, one wants to be free to choose the appropriate time for their death,” said the 104-year-old Australian scientist, slipping goggles over his eyes and lighting the cannon’s fuse with a giant matchstick as a representative from the advocacy group Exit International began playing a drumroll. “It is my decision to end my life today, and it is my hope that my story will increase pressure on other governments to change their laws regarding euthanasia. All human beings have the right to die with dignity. Now, let’s get this show on the road!” At press time, Goodall had reportedly expired peacefully as his crumpled body slowly slid down the brick wall.
Area Man Really Banking On Unconditional Love Doing Most Of Heavy Lifting For Mother’s Day Bouquet #~# CHICAGO—After he picked up the first $14.99 floral arrangement he saw at his neighborhood drugstore Friday, sources confirmed local man Connor Wurster was apparently banking on unconditional love doing most of the heavy lifting for the bouquet he selected as a Mother’s Day present. “This one looks decent enough, and it has a pretty good number of flowers,” said the 29-year-old, who will reportedly rely upon the deep affection of the woman who gave birth to him to pick up the slack for the assortment of peach roses, stargazer lilies, and baby’s breath he purchased with five minutes to spare before leaving to visit his parents for the weekend. “Plus, it comes with a vase. I don’t know, maybe I should get some chocolates, too [in order to avoid having to depend so completely upon a mother’s limitless and profound love for her child being truly eternal].” At press time, reports indicated Wurster had added a note saying “I love you so much” just to be safe.
NASA Says Presence Of Diving Board On Mars Confirms Planet May Have Once Contained Water #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could help shed new light on the history of the Red Planet, NASA announced Friday that a diving board found on Mars confirmed that the planet may have at one point contained water. “While the board itself is now completely cracked and arid, the very fact of its existence means that we can state with a high degree of certainty that water once appeared on the Martian surface,” said NASA acting administrator Robert M. Lightfoot Jr., telling reporters that after studying the length and springiness of the board, scientists had concluded that the surrounding water source had a maximum depth of 8 feet, though it likely tapered into a shallow end on the opposite side. “If you look closely, you can see indications of water damage on the board’s finish, as well as a slight rusting around the metal springs. We also uncovered a few desiccated fragments of what we believe was once a lifeguard chair in close proximity.” Lightfoot added that the presence of water did not necessarily suggest life on Mars, as any source near the diving board would most likely not have been potable due to high levels of chlorine.
Christiane Amanpour To Replace Charlie Rose On PBS #~# Following numerous sexual-misconduct allegations against Charlies Rose, PBS announced Christiane Amanpour will launch her new hour-long public affairs program Amanpour & Company. What do you think?
‘ASS’ Finally Inducted Into Video Game Hall Of Fame #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Honoring their performance and consistency in regularly appearing up and down the high-score screen for decades, the World Video Game Hall Of Fame formally inducted “ASS” into its hallowed collection in a gala ceremony Friday. “After years of being overlooked for outstanding contributions to gaming in every major arcade cabinet from Space Invaders to Galaga, Street Fighter 2 to Cruisin’ World, ASS is at long last getting the recognition they deserve,” said museum director Jon-Paul Dyson, pulling away a curtain to reveal the legendary moniker featured next to previous inductees “SEX,” “TIT,” and all-time champion “AAA.” “With this accolade, ASS joins the generations of superstars and influencers in this hallowed hall, taking their rightful place among arcade greats from XXX to FUK.” The occasion also marks the ninth year in a row that the honor has been denied to Mortal Kombat legend “EJB,” who has admitted to using performance-enhancing codes.
New Monster Energy Defibrillator Touts 1,200 Volts Delivered Straight To Heart #~# CORONA, CA—Boasting that their edgy new product was intended “solely for hardcore adrenaline junkies who want to grab life by the balls,” Monster Energy unveiled Friday their new defibrillator, a black-and-acid-green portable recreational unit they claim is capable of delivering 1,200 volts straight to the heart. “This is a product meant for the active consumer who starts their workday, their night out, and their weekend like goddamn Frankenstein,” Monster CEO Rodney Sacks said in an introductory video, which also claimed that each 50-amp serving packs enough current to “unleash the beast” and permanently damage the central nervous systems of poseurs. “Slap our Monster-brand saline electrode gel on the pads, slap the pads on your chest, and slap your heart across its bitch face. Whether you’re at work, the gym, or the club, the Monster Defibrillator only needs 10 milliseconds to make you feel like Genghis Khan fucking a yeti. For that extra kick, mix with vodka.” At press time, specialists at Corona Medical Center said Sacks was expected to recover completely from the extensive arc burns to his organs and spinal column.
Ford Confirms Plant Fire Caused By Spooked F-150 Knocking Over Lantern #~# DEARBORN, MI—Having isolated the origin of the blaze that caused the company to halt production of the popular vehicle, representatives at Ford confirmed Thursday that the fire at the truck parts supplier’s plant was caused by a spooked F-150 knocking over a lantern. “After surveying the damage at the factory, we’ve concluded that the fire started when a kerosene lantern was tipped over by a skittish truck that became frightened by the sound of an engine backfiring,” said Ford executive vice president Joe Hinrichs, adding that by the time workers had calmed the frantic F-150, the conflagration had already spread out of control. “Although our trucks are usually very well-behaved—especially the V6 EcoBoost SuperCrew models like this one—the backfire caused this young 2016 truck to become agitated and bolt, tearing through the factory at 80 miles per hour. Tragically, several fine pickups were lost in the inferno.” Hinrichs added that the company would resume production as soon as damage to the plant is repaired and the runaway F-150s that busted through the factory gate to escape the fire could be retrieved.
North Korean Prisoners Temporarily Put Into American Detention Camp To Help Ease Shock Of Return #~# PENNINGTON GAP, VA—Taking pains to ensure the returning citizens feel as normal as possible, government representatives confirmed Thursday that the Americans recently freed from North Korean prison will be put into U.S. detention camps to help ease the shock of their return to Western society. “In light of the months they spent in a brutal North Korean work camp, we thought it would make their transition home easier if they spent some time picking crops and paving roads as American prison labor,” said administration spokesperson Dara Zaleski, explaining that all three freed prisoners have been shipped to Lee Correctional Facility to alleviate the adjustment to American society by doing manual labor for 90 cents an hour. “After a 12-hour day of hard labor while being exposed to the elements and subjected to constant humiliation by prison guards, they’ll eat gruel barely fit for human consumption, spend some time in solitary confinement—anything to help them adapt to an American environment. Coming back to the U.S. can be a big culture shock, but fortunately, this country has no shortage of facilities that will make them feel like they never left North Korea.” Zaleski said that, assuming the prisoners maintained good behavior, they were expected to be paroled and returned to their families within the next five to seven years.
Israel Offends Japanese Prime Minister By Serving Dessert In Shoe #~# Israel caused offense when it served Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe chocolate pralines in a model man’s shoe at a diplomatic dinner, failing to take into account the lowly role shoes play in Japanese culture. What do you think?
Syrian Man Kept Up All Night By Neighbors Dying #~# DAMASCUS—Expressing frustration with the constant clamor coming from nearby apartments, Syrian man Sayid Madanly was reportedly kept up all night Wednesday by the sounds of his neighbors dying. “God, I wasn’t able to get any sleep because they’re upstairs just moaning and screaming in the middle of the night,” said Madanly, adding that the walls were so thin that he could clearly hear every shallow breath and cry of the couple next door as they reached the final throes of life. “It’s so annoying. Just shut up and die already. It’s one thing to loudly expire during the day, but after midnight, show some common courtesy for people who have to get up early for work. At least I’ve been respecting my neighbors by keeping my dying newborn quiet.” At press time, Madanly was working up the courage to walk upstairs and put the neighbors out of their misery. 
Netanyahu Begins Calling For Israeli Return To Ancient Homeland Of Iran #~# JERUSALEM—Declaring that it was long past time for his people to live once again on their ancestral soil, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly began calling Thursday for the Israeli return to their ancient homeland of Iran. “The land of Iran has long been part of our heritage, and we implore the international community to work with us to ensure its return to the independent Jewish state,” said Netanyahu, adding that Israel was willing to use military force if necessary to reoccupy all 636,400 square miles of present-day Iran that were historically included in the promised land bestowed upon the Jewish people by biblical mandate. “The so-called Islamic cities of Tehran, Mashhad, Isfahan, and dozens of others were founded on what were once ancient Jewish kingdoms, not to mention how many of our most sacred sites Iran currently occupies, including the Imam Reza Holy Shrine, the Jamkaran Mosque, and the Zoroastrian Fire Temple of Chak-Chak. In fact, Iran is home to the highest concentration of Judaic ancient holy sites anywhere in the world outside of Mecca, Lumbini, and Vatican City. We demand that the Jewish people be permitted to return to ruling our ancestral Persian homelands.” At press time, Netanyahu had approved plans to begin construction on a large Israeli settlement in downtown Tehran.
Study: Headaches Are The Body’s Way Of Communicating It Wants Pills #~# ROCHESTER, MN—Stressing the importance of afflicted individuals heeding their symptoms, Mayo Clinic researchers released a study Thursday that found that headaches are the human body’s way of communicating that it wants pills. “Our findings prove conclusively that the body uses headaches as a way of signaling that it is experiencing a significant pill deficit,” said lead researcher Julia Perla, explaining that headache severity has a direct relationship to the quantity of pills the body desires. “Moreover, the phenomenon of recurring migraines is a telltale indicator that one’s brain chemistry is suffering an imbalance of pill chemicals. Should this occur, it’s imperative that you shovel as many handfuls of pills, or in extreme cases even capsules and tablets, into your mouth as possible. While pain pills are best, our data indicates that the specific types of pills is secondary to the fact that they are pills.” Researchers added that individuals who even so much as suspect they are starting to feel a headache coming on should begin taking pills every three to five minutes until symptoms are no longer detectable.
New Study Confirms Sharks Just Really Angry Dolphins #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Upending the conventional theory that the animals are different species, a study conducted by marine biologists at the University of Florida confirmed Thursday that sharks are just really angry dolphins. “An exhaustive five-year-long field study combined with comprehensive DNA analysis proves that sharks are actually dolphins that are super fucking pissed,” said lead researcher Dr. Karen Delgado, noting that the reason sharks were considered solitary animals was because they were simply livid dolphins who needed to go off by themselves for a while to simmer down. “Once a dolphin becomes furious, it undergoes a number of physiological changes including growing several rows of jagged teeth, sprouting gills, and developing a layer of skin that seals up the blowhole. In rare cases, a dolphin can become so enraged that its head will morph into a flat, hammer-like shape. Eventually, the mammal calms down and rejoins the pod after its dolphin-like features return.” Delgado added that her team’s study comes in the wake of a similar discovery that walruses are profoundly wise sea lions.
The Pros And Cons Of Civility In Politics #~# Many people view American politics as becoming less civil since President Trump’s election, but it’s useful to try to understand what people mean by “civility” and how calls for civility effect both citizens and elected officials. The Onion outlines the pros and cons of civility in politics.
‘Sometimes Things Have To Get Worse Before They Get Better,’ Says Man Who Accidentally Turned Shower Knob Wrong Way #~# HARRODSBURG, KY—Moments after he mistakenly turned the shower knob in the wrong direction, local man Dennis Rowley confirmed Thursday that sometimes in this life, things have to get worse before they can get better.
Melania Trump Unveils ‘Be Best’ Childhood Initiative #~# First Lady Melania Trump unveiled her new “Be Best” initiative aimed at improving the wellbeing of U.S. children by tackling opioid abuse, cyber-bullying, and mental health issues. What do you think?
Sperm Bank Manager Takes Wealthy Couple To Secret Back Freezer Where The Real Good Stuff Is Stored #~# PHILADELPHIA—Leading them to a special, cordoned-off area for customers with only the most discerning tastes, sperm bank manager Timothy Vaughn took a wealthy couple to a secret back freezer Thursday where the real good stuff is stored. “Sir, madame, right this way,” said Vaughn, leading his well-coiffed clients past the regular, run-of-the-mill vats of frozen sperm to a vault in the back where he punched a long string of numbers into the security terminal, which opened the heavy metal doors to reveal rows of glistening crystal vials containing the highest quality seed the clinic had to offer. “Our carefully curated collection includes samples from doctors, scientists, and concert pianists—veritable geniuses handpicked from all over the world—with a satisfying blend of high IQ and artistic prowess. Right here, in fact, we have a rare, finely-aged cask given to us by a donor who won three NFL Most Valuable Player Awards.” According to sources, after assessing several varieties for quality, the couple thanked the manager, handed over a platinum credit card, and left with several vials of a coveted, limited-edition sperm from acclaimed author Salman Rushdie.
Trump Withdraws From Iran Deal #~# President Trump announced Tuesday that he plans to withdraw from the Iran nuclear deal, unraveling the Obama administration’s foreign policy achievement and leaving the United States at odds with its allies in dealing with the Iranians. What do you think?
Horrified Grimes Stumbles Upon Boyfriend’s $18 Billion Plan For All-New, Reinvented Grimes #~# BEL AIR, CA—After accidentally glimpsing a manila folder labeled “Alpha Design Grimes” while alone in the home office of her boyfriend, Elon Musk, 30-year-old musician Grimes reportedly stumbled Wednesday upon an $18 billion plan for a cutting-edge, completely reinvented Grimes. “What the hell is ‘a truly groundbreaking mode of Grimes’ that’s ‘visually stunning,’ ‘simple to use,’ and ‘blends seamlessly into her environment’?” asked the mortified songwriter as she leafed through 57 pages of blueprints detailing a sleek, energy-efficient Grimes that runs on solar power and is propelled by magnetic linear accelerators. “This says the Boring Company has designed a modern-age Grimes that will generate zero emissions and be reinforced to withstand severe earthquakes. And apparently there’s a ‘luxury Grimes’ option, too—seriously, what the fuck?” At press time, sources confirmed the singer became terrified and tried to flee the house after reading that a Grimes prototype is slated for a summer 2018 release.
Mark McGwire Claims He Would Have Hit 70 Home Runs Without Help Of Bat #~# SAN DIEGO—Insisting that it only played a minor role in helping him break the single-season home run record, Mark McGwire claimed Wednesday that he could have hit 70 home runs even without the help of a bat. “People act like it was the only reason I was able to belt all those home runs, but deep down, I know I could have hit just as well without a bat,” said McGwire, noting that he only used a bat to keep up with all the other hitters in the 90s who were using them and that he regrets using a bat because he feels it has distracted from his natural ability as a hitter. “Using a bat doesn’t help you hit a baseball. Home runs require extraordinary hand-eye coordination, physical strength, and timing, and I had all that. A bat can’t give you the reflexes to hit a home run—bats just give you a little extra boost to emphasize the skill you already have.” McGuire also maintained that the only reason he started using bats in the first place was because of an injury during the 1990 season.
10-Year-Old First Responders Rush To Bike Crash Scene To Check Out Tyler’s Fucked-Up Leg #~# NAZARETH, PA—Sprinting down driveways and cutting through bushes to lock down the situation as quickly as possible, a group of 10-year-old first responders rushed to the stone-path scene of a single-vehicle BMX bike crash Wednesday to check out Tyler’s totally fucked-up leg. “Quick, guys! Call Trevor, get Brian, too—we only have a few minutes here and they have got to see this shit!” said local fifth-grader Josh Osborn, directing his emergency response team to take crucial photos while simultaneously trying to get Tyler to relax and stop screaming so as not to attract adult attention. “This is what we train for, what we discuss for entire lunch hours. Sometimes, you only have minutes to see if the bone is, like, sticking out through his pants before someone comes and ruins it with a cast or something. Thank God Andrew was cool and came to get us the second he heard the crash, or we might not have been able to get here and gawk at his totally wrecked leg.” At press time, Tyler Cantle, 10, whose injury was confirmed by the team as being “totally fucking nuts,” was begging personnel not to tell his parents.
Mariners’ Staff Tired Of Ichiro Suzuki’s Long Warm-Up Routine Before Using Scanner #~# SEATTLE—Groaning and rolling their eyes as the front office executive methodically stretched different muscle groups, the Mariners’ staff expressed frustration Wednesday at new coworker Ichiro Suzuki’s long warm-up routine before using the office scanner. “It’s ridiculous. He does all these breathing techniques to improve his concentration before he pulls out his damn documents,” said ticket sales rep Richard Pasch, who claimed he was forced to stand and wait for more than five minutes as Suzuki opened and closed the document cover over and over again. “He does it every time he goes up there, swinging the papers around his head and then jumping up and down, pumping his knees and tapping the email button—how is that supposed to help? I don’t care if he thinks flipping the document over exactly 100 times helps him scan, other people have work to do.” At press time, the coworkers were complaining that Suzuki’s constant stepping out of the boardroom had extended the average meeting time to over four hours.
Scientists Successfully Create Artificial Placenta That Tastes Just As Delicious As Real One #~# URBANA, IL—Hailing their creation as a major step forward in the field of food science, researchers at the University of Illinois unveiled an artificial human placenta Wednesday they claim tastes just as delicious as the real thing. “This is a huge day for consumers who want that big, bold placenta flavor but don’t have the time or resources to make their own,” said lead researcher Dr. Bruce Roberts, adding that the key to their breakthrough was the injection of a soy-based “heme” molecule, which mimics the bloody goodness developing mammals have come to know and love without the months-long wait or the tinny aftertaste. “This is nothing like the thin, runny faux-placenta you’re resigned to getting from your grocer’s freezer. Our ‘Impossible Placenta’ is vein-rich with incredibly realistic textures that are nearly indistinguishable from the succulent organs your mom used to make. One bite and you’ll be hooked.” Roberts and his team confirmed that the artificial placentae would soon be available at stores nationwide in both original and barbecue flavors.
Ken Jeong Uses Medical Training To Rescue Audience Member #~# During a recent stand-up set in Phoenix, AZ, actor Ken Jeong used medical training from his earlier career as a physician to help an audience member having a seizure. What do you think?
Rockets’ Mop Guy Can Tell This Game Going To Be A Sweaty One #~# HOUSTON—Assessing the perspiration dripping off the players while waiting for the next time-out, the Houston Rockets’ mop guy Kyle Collins could already tell Tuesday that Game 4 against the Utah Jazz was going to be a sweaty one. “We’re only five minutes in, [James] Harden is just drenched, and inside the paint is already slick—looks like I’m in for a big night,” said Collins while intently watching an expanding sweat mark form on Donovan Mitchell’s back and pointing out a slick spot near half court to fellow mop guy Derrick Farley. “I’ve gotta be on top of my game. We’re looking at near halftime levels of sweat out here already. Both teams are pretty moist and sticky, and Gerald [Green] looks like he fell in a lake. This is the kind of sweat you prepare for your whole career.” Collins predicted that at this rate of sweat production, he was going to go through three mop heads before the end of the game.
Iranian Scientist Annoyed He Has To Go Back To Shitty Old Job Building Nuclear Weapons #~# ISFAHAN, IRAN—In the wake of President Trump’s announcement Tuesday that the United States would pull out of the international agreement to limit the Middle Eastern country’s program, Iranian nuclear scientist Ali Khatami was reportedly annoyed that he would have to return to his shitty old job building nuclear weapons. “Great, just what I wanted to do—go back to converting yellowcake into uranium hexafluoride all fucking day,” said a visibly irritated Khatami, adding that he wasn’t looking forward to being holed up in a newly reopened underground bunker, working overtime on the development of long-range ballistic missiles the way he always was before the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action was ratified. “This totally sucks. I hate the work, and the hours are fucking awful. And I’ll bet they’re bringing back my old dickhead boss who’s never satisfied no matter how much weapons-grade U-235 we crank out. I had just found a nice new position at a small research lab closer to my family, too. Oh, well, it’s got to get done, so back to the goddamn grind.” In related news, American nuclear scientist David Ebeling reported feeling pretty irritated that his weapons-production facility’s output goals had been raised yet again.
Diseases Spread By Ticks, Mosquitoes Tripled Since 2004 #~# A Centers for Disease Control report found that contagions such as Lyme Disease and Zika have rapidly increased since 2004 with more than 640,000 Americans infected between then and 2016. What do you think?
Met Janitors Hurrying To Remove Crucified Katy Perry From Museum Lobby  #~# NEW YORK—Frantically tidying up after last night’s star-studded, Catholic-art-themed fundraiser, staff janitors reportedly rushed to remove Katy Perry from a crucifix hanging on a wall of the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s lobby Tuesday. “Come on, guys, let’s move—somebody find a pry bar so we can get these nails out of [Perry’s] palms and feet,” said custodian Demetri Caldwell, hastily ushering hungover A-listers through a back exit as tourists filed into the museum’s front entrance. “We need to finish scrubbing the room in the basement where they set those lions on Frances McDormand and Elon Musk, and someone still needs to clean up over there in the corner where they beheaded George Clooney. We won’t have time to mop all the blood off this European religious portraiture, but the Sacred Heart of Jesus is supposed to be bleeding, right?” At press time, sources confirmed janitors were rushing to clean the gift shop after a group of fourth-graders on a school trip stumbled upon an apoplectic Lana Del Rey, who was foaming at the mouth and appeared to be undergoing an exorcism.
Napkinless Man With Grease-Covered Fingers Realizes He Trapped In A Prison Of His Own Creation #~# FLORENCE, SC—Lamenting his lack of foresight and preparation in choosing to have a full order of barbecued chicken wings without a proper supply of wiping materials, diner Eddie Schubert, 32, sat napkinless at his kitchen table Tuesday, staring in dismay at his grease-covered fingers while realizing he had trapped himself in a prison of his own creation. “What have I done?” said a visibly distraught Schubert, casting his gaze about the room for any tissue, paper towel, or absorbent sheet that might free him from the shackles of sticky sauce rendering him powerless. “I alone forged these chains, and now in greasy coin do I pay a steep price for my foolish recklessness. My only options are to break free using naught but my wits or to simply hand myself over to the whims of sticky Fate, and in so doing, perish.” It is not currently known whether Schubert has the fortitude necessary to make the ultimate sacrifice and wipe his hands on his pants, sacrificing his favorite pair of jeans but gaining his freedom.
Fitbit Releases New Tracking Collar That Gets Tighter Every Second You Are Inactive #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Touting the device’s state-of-the-art ability to incentivize exercise through intimidation, Fitbit released a new tracking collar Tuesday that tightens every second the person wearing it is inactive. “Whether you’re a fitness guru or a first-time runner, this sleek new wearable tech will jumpstart any routine by clamping around your throat and slowly restricting air from passing through your windpipe any time you take a break,” said the company’s CEO James Park, who added that for many customers, the fear of strangulation is just what they need to adopt a more active lifestyle. “To use the device, all you’ll have to do is secure the unbreakable lock around your neck, turn on the pulse monitor, and start moving. Don’t stop for any reason, though, because pausing for 10 seconds is more than enough time for the collar to leave you writhing on the ground, dying of hypoxia.” At press time, Park added that although it technically was exercise, the device would not log any movements affiliated with trying to rip off the collar.
Sean Hannity Informs Building Tenants About Deep-State Conspiracy Forcing Him To Triple Rent #~# PERRY, GA—Explaining to the residents that the matter was simply out of his control, television host and landlord Sean Hannity informed tenants living in buildings he owns about the deep-state conspiracy that was forcing him to triple their rents, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I’m sorry, folks, but raising your rent is the only way I can cover cost-of-living increases, property taxes, and the vast effort by the military-industrial complex to undermine President Donald Trump’s most dedicated supporters,” said Hannity, adding that anyone in the apartment complexes who was unable to pay thousands of dollars extra per month, thus exposing him to Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s rogue attacks on American patriots through apartment leases, would be evicted. “Listen, I don’t like being under the thumb of the deep state any more than you do, but this is all part of being a landlord. There’s just a lot I have to take into account, whether it’s building codes, keeping pests out, or the far-reaching schemes of a criminal cabal of left-wing intelligence agencies, Barack Obama, and the Clinton Foundation to dismantle the president’s agenda by forcing landlords to raise rent. Furthermore, the deep state demands that rent increases start on the first of next month instead of when your lease is up.” Hannity also warned several tenants requesting repairs in their apartments that attempting to fix anything was playing right into the deep state’s hands.
Bill Gates Pledges $12 Million For Universal Flu Vaccine #~# Bill Gates has pledged $12 million to develop a universal flu vaccine and potentially help save 30 million individuals at risk from influenza. What do you think?
Flu Vaccine Recalled Due To Defective Government Tracking Microchips #~# WASHINGTON—After it was discovered that hundreds of thousands of the state-sanctioned radar systems had short circuited, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a recall of the flu vaccine Friday due to defective government tracking microchips. “In response to reports that devices planted in the serum were not properly monitoring Americans movements at all times, we have decided to pull all flu vaccines from pharmacies and clinics,” said CDC director Robert R. Redfield, explaining that anyone who received a vaccine within the last 5 years had likely been given a malfunctioning location-detecting chip and would be offered a replacement free of charge. “We apologize for the mistake and are doing everything within our power to make sure that Americans are safe, healthy, and meticulously followed and observed as they go about their daily lives.” Redfield added that Americans could rest assured that the autism microchip was still working perfectly.
Construction Crew Arguing Over Who Gets To Use The Fun Tools #~# BROOKLYN, NEW YORK—Shoving one another aside as they rushed to be the first to choose, the crew from Rockson Construction were fervently arguing over who gets to use the fun tools at the work site, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I call jackhammer,” said crew member Bruce Sampson, who attempted to wrestle the piece of machinery out of a coworker’s hands while several others scuffled over which one would get to drive the bulldozer for the day. “No fair, gimme that—I want to break up the concrete today. You already got to do it a whole bunch. Now it’s my turn. You use the stupid drill this time.” At press time, the crew was dejectedly pounding nails into wood as the foreman’s punishment for their behavior.
NRA Touts Oliver North’s Expertise At Avoiding Jail Time For Colluding With Hostile Foreign Powers #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Saying that he had just the qualifications needed to help guide their organization, the NRA announced Monday that Oliver North would be its new president, touting the retired Lt. Colonel’s expertise at avoiding jail time for colluding with hostile foreign powers. “Oliver North brings a wealth of experience in setting up back channels and illicitly exchanging funds with foreign adversaries, all while escaping any time in prison, which is exactly what the NRA is looking for in its leadership,” said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, telling reporters that North’s prowess at escaping felony charges for conspiring with rival countries in an effort to get even more firearms into people’s hands made the former FOX News host by far the best candidate they had considered. “As we looked to fill the position, we were immediately impressed by Lt. North’s proven ability to not only survive criminal conviction for illegally channeling foreign money, but also actively thrive in its aftermath. This is exactly the sort of innovation and resourcefulness that the NRA is going to need as it heads into the future.” LaPierre added that North’s skill set was complemented by his terrific attitude of contempt towards the rule of law.
U.S. Customs Agents Finds Unconscious Tiger In Duffle Bag #~# While stationed at the Mexico border, U.S. Customs agents discovered an unconscious 3-month-old tiger left inside a black duffel bag dropped by three fleeing smugglers. What do you think?
Curiosity Rover Frantically Driving Around Mars To Make It Look Like It’s Been Busy Before New Spacecraft Arrives #~# MARS—In a desperate attempt to make up for years of aimless planetary wandering, the Curiosity Rover spent most of Monday frantically driving around the Red Planet in order give the impression that it had been busy before the impending arrival of NASA’s InSight Lander. “Aw, fuck, I’m going to be up all night scouring everything from here to the Naukluft Plateau for signs of microbial life,” said the car-sized rover, which had occupied itself for the past Martian year jumping aimlessly into sand dunes just south of Aeolis Palus. “I guess I’ll just take a bunch of pictures and say they’re from different days. Damn, I can’t believe I put this off until now. Maybe they won’t notice these soil samples were all taken from the same crater?” At press time, NASA was instructing the rover to ease up on reports of possible water on Mars after half a dozen samples of liquid turned out to be pools of exhaust from Curiosity’s suddenly overworked engine. 
No One In Prison Sure How Jared Fogle Still Eating Subway Every Meal #~# JEFFERSON COUNTY, CO—Expressing confusion as to how their fellow inmate was able to maintain a steady diet of oven-roasted chicken, classic tuna, and cold cut combo sandwiches, prisoners at the Englewood Federal Correctional Institution told reporters Monday that they weren’t sure how Jared Fogle was still eating Subway for every meal. “The cafeteria doesn’t offer Subway, and they don’t sell it in the commissary, so we all have a lot of questions,” said inmate Todd Kruger, noting that Fogle had received very few visitors, which ruled out the possibility that his friends were smuggling sandwiches into the facility for him. “I get back from lunch yesterday, and I see him in his cell, chowing down on a steak-and-cheese wrap with a Powerade and apple slices. I think I heard him mutter something about how they forgot the chipotle dressing, which makes it sound like he’s ordering them from somewhere, but I honestly have no idea. Plus, the sandwiches always look like they’ve been freshly toasted, which just makes the whole thing even more baffling.” Kruger added that he and his fellow prisoners were no closer to understanding why Fogle was the only inmate allowed to own an oversized jumpsuit that he could hold up to show how much weight he had lost.
Trump Boys Set Up ‘Don And Eric Law Place’ In White House Electrical Room To Help Dad With Legal Problems #~# WASHINGTON—After gathering supplies such as a magnifying glass, a spool of twine, and a number of depositions drawn in crayon, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump reportedly set up the “Don And Eric Law Place” in a White House electrical room Monday to help their father with his ongoing legal woes. “Objection! Objection,” said Eric Trump who fashioned a makeshift judge’s robe from a Dracula cape and repeatedly shouted “attorney–client privilege” while striking the top of their hastily assembled card table with an old claw hammer he’d found in a supply closet. “We got a bunch of evidence and super witnesses, so you better let our dad go before we find you in tempt [sic] of the court! Your honor, I plead the Fifth, Sixth, 11th, and 700th! Case closed!” At press time, Donald Jr. was sobbing after his brother accidentally smacked him in the face with a briefcase full of pens and candy.
Once-Adventurous Salmon Can’t Believe She Ended Up Moving Back To Birthplace, Having A Bunch Of Kids #~# PENOBSCOT RIVER, ME—Recalling numerous thrill-seeking exploits and fearless endeavors, a north Atlantic salmon confirmed Monday that, having always lived an adventurous life, she couldn’t believe she ended up moving back to her birthplace and having a bunch of kids. “I was carefree and always up for going wherever the sea current took me, so never in a million years did I ever think I’d be back in this old stream starting a big family,” said the expecting mother of 2,133, noting that returning to the place where she grew up and settling down was the furthest thing from her mind while she was young and daring, traveling thousands of miles across the sea and risking the dark, seal-infested waters off Greenland in search of a little excitement. “Growing up seeing salmon after salmon give up their independent lives in the ocean to come back and have babies, I vowed to never let that happen to me—but I guess things change. Maybe after my children leave the nest, I’ll take a trip to Newfoundland and get into some trouble like I did in the good ol’ days.” At press time, sources confirmed that the salmon had died less than a week after spawning.
Stunted 56-Year-Old Still Writing Chuck Palahniuk Novels #~# VANCOUVER, WA—Cringing at the pitiful attempt to gain attention by trying to appear edgy and shocking, sources confirmed Monday that a stunted 56-year-old is still writing Chuck Palahniuk novels. “It’s one thing to write that shit when you’re still in your 20s, but he’s old enough now that it’s actually kind of pathetic,” said local man Ryan Fields, who figured that someone in their mid-50s would be too mature to be penning stories about wanton violence and needless gore. “He’s obsessed with these juvenile narratives about fighting and gross bodily functions, but it’s all just pulp entertainment with no real value. Man, it’s so embarrassing. Just grow up, dude.” At press time, sources expressed hope that the immature 56-year-old would stop acting so childish and finally write a few George Saunders books.
‘Incredibles 2’ Forced To Take Out Grisly Cannibalism Scene In Order To Secure PG Rating #~# EMERYVILLE, CA—Criticizing the Motion Picture Association of America for its lack of transparency in the matter, the producers of Incredibles 2 on Monday divulged that they were forced to cut a grisly cannibalism scene in order to secure the film’s PG rating. “Honestly, I don’t see what they find so offensive about this scene,” said director Brad Bird, adding that the sequence in question, which depicts a ferocious baby Jack-Jack pulling out and consuming coil after coil of a still-living henchman’s steaming intestines, was relatively tame compared to the version from the original script. “It’s tough because we spent months studying anthropophagy, anatomy, and human pain response during vivisection to make sure we really got this scene right. We even offered to compromise by cutting the scene down to 17 minutes, but in the end, we caved. Pixar really wants that PG rating.” In related news, Bird won his battle with film-board censors to keep another scene in which Violet calls her mom a cunt.
Democrats Lose Ground With Millennials #~# A Reuter/Ipsos poll found support for Democrats dropping by 9 percent to 46 percent among millennials, although this remains far above the 28 percent of millennials who support Republicans. What do you think?
Derek Jeter Denies Tanking Allegations After Marlins Field 4 Players #~# MIAMI—Affirming his commitment to field the best possible lineup, Miami Marlins owner and CEO Derek Jeter denied tanking allegations this week after the team fielded just four players in a loss to the Phillies. “I know people aren’t happy with our performance, but just because we didn’t have a shortstop, second baseman, third baseman, right fielder, or left fielder playing last night doesn’t mean we aren’t trying to compete every game,” said Jeter, who promised that having a one-man rotation after cutting and trading away every other pitcher on the roster gives the Marlins the best chance to win. “I expect this team to contend—I don’t care if we haven’t held a single practice or team workout in the past four months. All 16 remaining Marlins employees are working hard for the success of this franchise.” Jeter added that the recent decision to replace Don Mattingly with a dry-erase board had nothing to do with saving money.
Bloomberg Pledges $4.5 Million To Meet U.S. Commitment To Paris Accord #~# After the president’s withdrawal from the climate pact, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg pledged $4.5 million to meet America’s commitment to the Paris accord. What do you think?
USPS Unveils New Line Of Commemorative Prince-Inspired Postal Workers #~# MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to pay tribute to the influential pop star’s legacy, the U.S. Postal Service unveiled a new line of commemorative Prince-inspired postal workers Friday. “Our latest series of limited-edition postal workers highlights all of Prince’s legendary career, from his smoldering white-ruffled blouse and purple jumpsuit look in the mid-’80s to the more subdued tri-spectacled sunglasses, gold sleeveless silk kimono, and white turtleneck from Art Official Age,” said Postmaster General Megan Brennan, noting that the newly released set of two dozen USPS workers would feature tributes to Prince’s life such as flowing black curls, metallic silver canes, and white lace uniforms incorporating the singer’s iconic Love Symbol. “When our customers see their packages arriving in the hands of a blazer-and-scarf-bedecked mailman riding a Purple Rain-era Honda 400A motorcycle, they’ll really see what makes these Forever Workers special. Frankly, there’s no better way for Prince fans to send their mail in a freaky, get-down-and-get-nasty style.” The new series of commemorative workers comes on the heels of USPS workers outfitted to honor such famous parts of American history as Elvis, Harvey Milk, and the Eastern tailed-blue butterfly.
Mueller Poses As Fox News Host To Coax Rudy Giuliani Into Giving Him Testimony On Trump #~# NEW YORK—Welcoming viewers back to an exclusive interview featuring the President’s new attorney, Special Counsel Robert Mueller posed as a Fox News host Thursday to coax Rudy Giuliani into giving him a testimony on Trump. “Rudy, it’s always a pleasure to have you on ‘Mueller Tonight’—now, I wanted to really dig in and ask you about the President’s state of mind on April 11, 2017,” said Mueller, who leaned over his desk as Giuliani eagerly answered a series of follow-up questions concerning Roger Stone, Paul Manafort, and the Seychelles islands, stressing that the millions tuning in to watch the 8 p.m. primetime Fox News talk show “really appreciated” the former New York City mayor’s insight. “Fascinating stuff, Rudy. I’m sure our fans at home are especially interested in that Trump Tower meeting you just mentioned. Before we head to break, though, would you mind putting your hand on this Bible and repeating something for me?” At press time, Mueller had welcomed President Trump, who called in to the show to give a statement confirming everything Giuliani had just said.
New Don Blankenship Campaign Ad Touts Jobs Created In Wake Of Upper Big Branch Mining Disaster #~# RAWL, WV—Extolling the variety of ways his past actions continue to benefit the hard-working people of West Virginia, a new campaign ad from Senate hopeful Don Blankenship aired Friday touting the multitude of new jobs created in the wake of the Upper Big Branch Mine disaster. “I’m Don Blankenship, and I’m proud to say that my vision and leadership created countless new job opportunities in the fields of search and rescue, emergency surgery, funeral services, and many more,” said Blankenship, referring to the 2010 mine explosion that killed 29 workers, for which he served a year in prison for conspiring to violate federal mine safety standards. “From trauma specialists and morticians all the way down to the manufacturers of vigil candles, gravestones, and sympathy cards, I’m committed to putting West Virginians to work. I’ve even created 29 new coal mining jobs. Can Mitch McConnell say the same?” Blankenship concluded the ad with a stern condemnation of the “big-government” safety regulations hell-bent on stifling the state’s economic growth.
Boardroom Begins To Quake As Black-Eyed CEO Announces Vision For Future Of Company #~# LOS ANGELES—According to terrified witnesses, the whole boardroom of Capstone Marketing Insights began to quake violently Friday as CEO Matt Petersen’s eyes turned an inky black and his voice dropped an octave while announcing a new, video-centered vision for the company. Calling it a “necessary pivot” and “an exciting opportunity to grow profits,” Petersen reportedly started writing out quarterly projections at an inhuman speed and then emitted an ear-splitting screech that caused each of the frosted glass panels enclosing the conference room to shatter in horrifying succession. Sources confirmed the room temperature fell by more than 20 degrees as the CEO spoke, the air taking on a noxious, sulfuric scent when he proclaimed—with several deep, boar-like grunts—that the company would also be partnering with a third-party social-media consulting firm. Moments later, all nine members of the board reportedly started nodding their heads uncontrollably and then vomited a thick, blood-speckled bile to signal their unanimous support.
Amazon Fires Warehouse Worker Who Took Unauthorized Breath #~# CARTERET, NJ—Saying the longtime warehouse associate blatantly disregarded company protocol regarding permitted inhalation, Amazon spokespeople confirmed the firing of one Thomas Gilman for taking an unauthorized breath during an overnight shift Friday. “We run a tight ship at this [Amazon] fulfillment center, and we expect a certain level of discipline and decorum from our employees,” said warehouse manager John Sabourne, who encourages his staff to report their fellow coworkers for exceeding their allotted 300 breaths per hour while on-shift. “You can’t just take a breath whenever you want to—we pay to condition the air here, for one thing, and if a worker actually stops to catch their breath? There go our profit margins. This guy was a known deep-breather, so my hands were tied. I had no choice but to let him go.” Amazon management responded to requests for additional information by announcing an expansion of company policy to crack down on warehouse worker blinking.
Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper Published #~# Stephen Hawking’s final paper “A Smooth Exit From Eternal Inflation?” was recently published in the Journal of High Energy Physics, detailing the nature of the cosmos and the immediate consequence of the big bang. What do you think?
Mysterious Man In Parking Lot Threatens To Harm Rudy Giuliani If He Ever Blabs About Trump’s Legal Payments Again #~# NEW YORK—Noting that the former New York mayor has “got a real nice life going here” and that “it would be a shame to ruin it for no good reason,” a mysterious man reportedly approached Rudy Giuliani in a parking lot Thursday, strongly implying that he should never speak publically concerning Trump’s legal payments again. “Hey, Rudy, listen, that was maybe a pretty silly thing you did, going and mouthing off about Mr. Trump’s finances like that. I hear bad things happen to people who make a habit of that sorta thing,” said the trench-coated man who complimented Giuliani on his beautiful Mercedes and remarked on how funny it is that people who drive them fancy cars seem to have a high mortality rate when they don’t act smart. “You stay off those cable news programs, see? All that high-voltage lighting equipment, all that stuff to trip over in the whaddacallit, the studio, could be a real health hazard. Nobody wants that, right? But, all due respect, Mr. Mayor, sometimes people who wonder about why Mr. Trump fired Comey and then talk about it in front of millions of Americans, well—they get preoccupied, they get so they don’t pay attention, they get in all these accidents. Hudson River’s awful cold this time of year, know what I’m sayin’?” At press time, the mysterious individual told Giuliani that he could make it up to Mr. Trump while handing the former mayor a .44 Magnum and a list of FBI agents.
Kroger Recalls 35,000 Pounds Of Ground Beef That May Contain CEO #~# CINCINNATI—Admitting they were unable to confirm their product had not been contaminated, supermarket chain Kroger recalled 35,000 pounds of ground beef Thursday that may contain traces of its chief executive officer. “As some consumers have noticed particles of our chief executive officer Rodney McMullen in the meat, we have decided to pull 17.5 tons of potentially tainted ground beef from store shelves,” said spokesperson Emelia Kozal, explaining that the ground meat was likely contaminated sometime after the CEO went missing during a visit to a processing plant in North Carolina last week. “Anyone who comes across any pieces of bone or suit should dispose of the beef accordingly or return it to a store for a full refund. Customers can identify the affected packages as being labeled ‘Kroger Ground Beef 80% Lean, 20% Board Member By Weight.’” In a possibly related note, Kroger will also be recalling all T-bone steaks to ensure they did not also originate from McMullen.
Kanye West Says Slavery Was A Choice #~# In a TMZ interview with the controversial rapper, Kanye West revealed that he believes slavery was a choice, telling his interviewer, “when you hear about slavery for 400 years...for 400 years? That sounds like a choice.” What do you think?
Girls Scouts Announces They’ll Never Ever Let Gross Fucking Boys In #~# NEW YORK—Responding to the Boy Scouts’ decision to open up their organization to all genders, the Girl Scouts of America officially announced Thursday that they’ll never ever let any gross-ass fucking boys in. “The Girls Scouts remain dedicated to raising the next generation of America’s women leaders, and as such, there is no way in hell we’d ever consider letting a bunch of dirty, stinky boys into our association,” said CEO Sylvia Acevedo, explaining that they’re firmly committed to restricting the admission of rude, loud young men who smell like shit and will mess everything up by getting in the way of their mission to grow their members into happy, successful, and civically engaged young women. “Not in a million goddamn years would we allow those booger-eating slobs to take part in our camping or community service activities. They’ll just fart and burp and piss everywhere all the time.” At press time, Girl Scout officials also stated that they wouldn’t allow anyone from the Boy Scouts to join, adding that everyone knows the organization was for total pussies.
White Sox Promotion Puts First 9 Fans At Ballpark In Starting Lineup #~# CHICAGO—As part of an effort to boost attendance by offering a more up-close-and-personal experience, the Chicago White Sox announced a new promotion Thursday that puts the first nine fans arriving at the ballpark in the starting lineup. “Starting next week, we will bring down several lucky fans for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet their favorite players on the field and then take their place in the starting lineup for a full nine innings,” said team Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf, adding that each of the fans will receive a complimentary hat, pair of cleats, and scouting reports before representing the White Sox against the best players in the Major Leagues. “Fans should try and make it as early as possible, because the very first person we see in the parking lot will be thrown onto the mound for the chance to go seven innings as our starting pitcher, while one honors student from a local school will fulfill his big-league dreams by managing the team. And don’t worry if you can’t make it this week, because this promotion will be running for every White Sox home game this season.” Reinsdorf added that a few people would enjoy the unforgettable memories of representing the White Sox while also providing a much better experience for fans watching in the stands.
‘I Was The One Who Slept With Stormy Daniels,’ Says Sonny Perdue In Desperate Attempt To Serve As Trump’s Fall Guy #~# WASHINGTON—Fervently proclaiming that he was actually the one responsible for the scandal involving the adult film actress, Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue reportedly stated Thursday, in a desperate attempt to serve as President Trump’s fall guy, that he was the one who slept with Stormy Daniels. “It was me—I met with her, I paid her for sex, and then I tried to cover up the whole thing—and President Trump had nothing to do with it,” said the head of the U.S. Department of Agriculture in a blatant effort to serve as Trump’s patsy in the public eye and take all the blame for the ongoing controversy. “In 2006, I entered into a sexual tryst with Stormy Daniels, cheating on my wife of 46 years in the process. Then, I acted completely alone in hiring Michael Cohen to make her sign an NDA and pay her off. I kept quiet about having had sex with Stormy Daniels—as well as any and all other women who President Trump has been unjustly accused of having affairs with—because I wanted to be the secretary of agriculture, but I can no longer keep quiet. President Trump is innocent, and it was me—me and only me—all along. I am ready to accept my punishment.” In a related story, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke had made a last-ditch effort to convince the public that it was actually his voice in the Access Hollywood tape bragging about grabbing women by the pussy.
Pros And Cons Of Lowering The Voting Age #~# A recent upsurge in youth activism in the U.S. and other countries has led lawmakers to consider the proposal to lower the voting age from 18 to 16, but many people are against extending the vote to even younger people. The Onion presents the pros and cons of lowering the voting age.
Men’s Wearhouse Introduces Clip-On Trousers For Guys Who Never Learned How To Put On Pants #~# HOUSTON—Touting the garment as a stylish alternative for the gentleman on the go, Men’s Wearhouse announced Thursday it would be adding a new line of clip-on trousers for guys who never learned to put on pants. “These attractive, high-quality trousers clip easily to your shirt for a convenient, no-fuss pants-wearing experience,” said Tailored Brands CEO Douglas Ewart, telling reporters that the slacks would be available in slim, long-rise, and classic fits and include a variety of colors and patterns for any possible occasion. “In the ’50s, societal norms required men to wear pants to work, to church, even to the grocery store, but since that’s no longer the case, it makes sense that many men never bothered learning how to put them on. We want to let our customers know that on those special occasions when they need to get dressed up below the waist, there’s no shame in using clip-on trousers. They look great and feel great. In fact, I’m wearing them right now.” Ewart added that if the pants proved a success, the company planned on adding a line of slip-on tuxedos with snap buttons.
Guitar Maker Gibson Files For Bankruptcy #~# Legendary guitar maker Gibson, whose brands include Les Paul and SG, filed for bankruptcy due to its $500 million debt in the hopes of refocusing on its core guitar-making business. What do you think?
Kanye West: ‘I Would’ve Ridden Away From A Slave Plantation On A Motorcycle First Chance I Got’ #~# LOS ANGELES—Insisting that the legal, centuries-long practice of slavery in America could never have limited his personal or artistic ambitions, Kanye West stated Wednesday that if he had been born into captivity, he would have simply escaped the plantation on his motorcycle “the first chance [he] got.” “If that slave owner so much as fixed his lips to say something to me, I would’ve just hopped on my Harley and ridden to freedom—probably would’ve popped a wheelie through the cotton fields as I peeled off, too,” said the Grammy Award winner, adding that while he “vibed with certain Negro spirituals,” there was simply no way he would subject himself to the hardships of slavery. “There’s nothing that could ever stop me from making music. Point-blank. I would’ve parked my chopper at the studio and recorded an album about my experiences in the fields, inspiring slaves throughout the land to free themselves from their mental prison.” At press time, sources confirmed West had taken to social media to unveil a new line of tour merchandise loosely inspired by the Underground Railroad.
Facebook Announces Dating Service #~# Mark Zuckerberg announced plans to add a Tinder-style dating service to its mobile app later this year, noting that it would be completely optional and that a user’s friends would not see their dating profile. What do you think?
Joe Maddon Saves Up All His Mound Visits For One Long Trip In 8th Inning #~# CHICAGO—Touting the lack of pressure to squeeze something into every second of the excursion, Cubs manager Joe Maddon confirmed Wednesday that he was saving up his mound visits for one long trip in the eighth inning. “I used to like spreading out my visits across the whole game, but then I realized it’s far more satisfying to take one long, relaxing mound trip,” said Maddon, who complained that he wasn’t able to enjoy the moment during short visits because he was constantly thinking about what he would have to do when he returned to the dugout. “Stockpiling all these outings helps me really enjoy the mound experience—you just have more time to yourself than you do during a 30-second visit. It’s nice taking a leisurely stroll and chatting with my reliever without having to worry about next innings’ matchups. In fact, I’m planning an extended two-hour visit next week.” Maddon admitted that he was sometimes forced into an unplanned mound visit to avoid losing his unused trips at the end of the month. 
Facebook Addresses Accusations Of Silencing Conservative Voices By Deleting Barack Obama’s Profile #~# MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to ensure the impartiality of content shared on its platform, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Wednesday that the company would address accusations of silencing conservative voices by deleting Barack Obama’s profile. “I want to give all our valued right-leaning users my full assurance that we share your concerns about freedom of expression, which is why, effective immediately, Obama has been completely scrubbed from our site,” said CEO Mark Zuckerberg, telling reporters that users across the ideological spectrum could feel comfortable using the site now that the 44th president had received a lifetime ban on his account and would be prohibited from attempting to start a new profile. “Our platform works best when everyone can freely share their ideas. We believe that removing the pages of the former president and the Obama Foundation, as well as automatically flagging terms like ‘Obamacare’ and ‘Yes We Can,’ will help allow users to connect without feeling like Facebook is playing favorites.” Zuckerberg added that this was only the first step to confront the problem of censorship, saying that Facebook would proceed to delete the profiles of Michelle Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and as many others as it would take until conservatives feel fully represented.
Increasingly Obsessed Robert Mueller Forces Wife To Dye Hair Blond, Dress Like Ivanka #~# WASHINGTON—With the Trump probe constantly preoccupying more and more of the special investigator’s mind, Robert Mueller has reportedly forced his wife this week to dye her hair and dress in expensive jewelry and designer gowns identical to those worn by Ivanka Trump. “Dammit, go get a different clutch and put on the burgundy pumps—you look cheap,” said Mueller to bewildered wife Ann Cabell Standish, brandishing several hangers full of newly purchased cocktail dresses from Ivanka Trump’s clothing line while taking a break from fervently spray painting every item in his home gold. “Your roots are starting to show, so I’ll get you an appointment at the salon to get the blond touched up. And I’ll make a few calls to see if we can get you into a surgeon for a quick breast enlargement surgery and nose job—here, take a few copies of these surveillance photos so they know what you’re going for.” At press time, Mueller was reportedly browsing a selection of wide red neckties for his own use.
New Historical Drama Just 90 Minutes Of Woman Holding Up Petticoats While Running Through Open Field #~# LONDON—An early review confirmed Wednesday that upcoming historical drama The Sisters Of Darington Manor was just 90 minutes of a woman holding up her petticoats while scampering through an open field. “After the opening credits roll, it’s really just an hour and a half of a woman in a silk gown grabbing the hems of her petticoat while she hurries along a windswept plain,” said The Independent reviewer Christina Gordon, confirming that the costume drama—which offers no discernible dialogue and could take place at any point in history between the Georgian and Victorian eras—features a striking string soundtrack that swells to accentuate the woman’s progress across what appears to be either the English heath or possibly the Scottish moorland. “About midway through the movie, there’s this 45-minute unbroken shot of her rushing in front of a misty hillside. Then she mounts a horse at one point and rides it for a few minutes, which was nice. But then she just gets off, hitches up her petticoat, and starts hurrying across the plain again.” While criticizing the film’s lackluster narrative, Gordon praised the “breathtaking finale,” in which the woman completes her 90-minute journey by rushing directly into the embrace of a troubled-looking but handsome man in a brown frock coat and cravat.
3-Year-Old Pretending Stuffed Animals Having Big Fight About Accidental Pregnancy #~# SIOUX FALLS, SD—Playacting raised voices and heated accusations as she made her toys stomp around her bedroom floor, 3-year-old Allyson Barnes was reportedly pretending Wednesday that her stuffed animals were having a big fight about an accidental pregnancy. “How could you have been so careless, Mrs. Puffles?” said Barnes, pretending that a sheep burst into tears and locked herself in a bureau drawer while a kangaroo shouted, “I only meant we should discuss all our options,” as he banged on the outside with his large feet. “No, you explain to me how we’re supposed to afford this place with another mouth to feed. How is this my fault? Oh, yeah? Well, I never even wanted the first one!” Barnes then reportedly enacted a new scenario in which a rubber ducky was sent to stay with an alligator puppet for a little while until its parents figured some things out.
Study Finds Human Bones Make Great Daggers #~# A study by the journal Royal Society Open Science found that human bones—such as those used as tools by the people of New Guinea—make the best bone daggers, saying they are “formidable, fierce-looking, and beautiful.” What do you think?
Trump Boys Ransack Mueller’s Office To Steal Answer Key To Questions For Their Dad #~# WASHINGTON—Frantically searching desk drawers, file folders, and the soil of a potted plant, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly ransacked Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office Tuesday in order to steal the corresponding answer key for the questions investigators planned to ask their father. “USA Patriot Number Two, this is USA Patriot Number One, do you copy?” said Eric Trump, who scrambled through the office on his hands and knees to check the floorboards for hollow spots while speaking to his brother via a Power Rangers walkie-talkie from across the room. “Make sure to cut open all those seat cushions and dump out that cup of pens. Dad is counting on us. If he doesn’t get these answers in time for the interview, he’s screwed. I’m squirting lemon juice on everything to make sure there’s no secret messages written in invisible ink.” At press time, the Trump boys were forced to turn off their flashlights and hide under the desk after Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao unexpectedly walked into her ruined office.
Netanyahu Provides Stunning New Evidence That Iranians Planned Sacking Of Babylon In 539 B.C. #~# TEL AVIV, ISRAEL—Presenting the documents as proof that Iran entered the Joint Comprehensive Plan nuclear agreement in bad faith, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on Tuesday provided what he is calling “stunning new evidence” that Iranians planned the 539 B.C. sacking of Babylon. “This trove of recently uncovered top-secret information proves Iran is a dangerous nation that withheld key details concerning their sixth-century B.C. conquest of Mesopotamia during nuclear program negotiations,” said Netanyahu, who claimed Mossad agents infiltrated Iranian facilities to capture thousands of pages of charts, maps, and official correspondence detailing the nation’s clandestine efforts to overthrow the Ptolemaic Dynasty and subjugate the Cappadocians. “The Iran nuclear deal’s framework is premised on misleading information—not only did Iran fail to mention attacking Babylon, but we also have proof that Xerxes I planned to cross the Hellespont in 481 B.C. to land 50 war elephants at Byzantium. Israeli intelligence has also obtained proof that thousands of spears and chariots were stockpiled for a surprise excursion into Parthia. As a result, we have no choice but to tear up the nuclear deal.” Netanyahu also claimed to have uncovered secret Iranian plans for the 1979 kidnapping of 52 American citizens.
North Korea Says it Will Denuclearize If U.S. Pledges Not To Invade #~# In a meeting with the South Korean president, Kim Jong-un said he would abandon his nuclear weapons if the U.S. pledged not to invade North Korea. What do you think?
Report Suggests Stalin Was Just One Great Purge Away From Creating Communist Utopia #~# BALTIMORE—Challenging decades of mainstream academic thought, a group of Johns Hopkins University researchers released a report Tuesday indicating that the late Soviet Union leader Joseph Stalin was only one great purge away from creating a communist utopia. “Our research demonstrates that if Stalin had shipped a mere 100,000 more people to Siberia, the whole communist experiment would have worked out perfectly,” said historian and report co-author Franklin Morrison, adding that all of the USSR’s corruption, hunger, and disease would have disappeared overnight if Stalin had simply been able to let a few million more Ukrainians starve to death. “It’s a shame, because in 1953 the Soviet Union was really on the precipice of becoming a perpetual workers’ paradise devoid of all poverty and want. Unfortunately, Stalin passed away before he could round up just one last group of intellectuals and make them dig their own mass graves.” Morrison also noted that Stalin likely came closer to creating a communist utopia than any other leader in world history besides China’s Mao Tse-tung, who actually achieved it.
‘We Can Have Differences Of Opinion And Still Respect Each Other,’ Says Betrayer Of The One True Cause #~# BRYN MAWR, PA—In a blasphemous act of disloyalty against the rightful movement, local man Joseph Fischer stated Tuesday that “We can have differences of opinion and still respect each other,” exposing himself as a cowardly betrayer of the one true cause. “Even though we disagree on this issue, I’m glad we can have discussions like this to further our own understanding and grow as people,” said Fischer, expressing his complicity in the agenda of the enemy faction and taking his place in history alongside Benedict Arnold and Judas Iscariot as an irredeemable traitor. “We both want to make things better. We just have different ideas about how to accomplish that goal. It actually sounds like we have a lot to learn [as heretics engaged in misguided and clearly dangerous rhetoric].” Fischer, the foul and perverse abettor of evil, went on to surrender the last remaining shred of his dignity by insisting that he’d love to establish an open line of communication.
E. Coli Ready To Treat Itself To Some Beef After Weeks Of Nothing But Salad #~# YUMA, AZ—Saying that it would be a nice break from the health-conscious diet, a local E. coli bacterium announced Tuesday plans to treat itself to a little beef after weeks of eating nothing but salad. “Lately, I’ve been on this kick of just having  romaine lettuce for every single meal, but it can’t hurt to cut myself some slack once in a while with a raw steak or a little ground chuck, right?” said the Escherichia coli strain, noting that while its regimen of salad mixes and hearts of romaine had made it feel much healthier and stronger, it was about time to reintroduce some protein into its diet. “I can’t wait to bite into a nice room-temperature hamburger, or maybe some uncooked beef sausages. Man, I’ve been craving beef for so long now that I’ll basically take whatever I find lying around.” The bacterium went on to justify the indulgence by saying that the added energy would come in handy during its upcoming trips to Iowa and Nebraska.
Friend Dishonorably Discharged From Navigation Duties After Missing Exit #~# FISHKILL, NY—In a hastily assembled tribunal during which his traveling companions unanimously handed down the punishment, sources confirmed Tuesday that local friend Brendan Doctson was dishonorably discharged from his navigating duties after causing them to miss an exit. “In light of his gross misconduct in failing to warn us that we should take exit 38 until we had already passed it, we have relieved Brendan of his duties, effective immediately,” said driver Corey Pierce, who officially stripped the disgraced Doctson of his title and rank and relegated him to the back seat for the remainder of the trip. “After receiving a formal warning to stop picking songs on Spotify and focus on the directions, Brendan causing us to miss an exit was simply a step too far. He has made his comrades all late with his negligence, and his conduct is unbefitting of a road-trip navigator. We will not be considering reinstatement at this time.” Following Doctson’s discharge, friend Marshall Anderson was issued control of the driver’s iPhone during a brief ceremony in a KFC parking lot off of exit 41.
NY Gubernatorial Race: Andrew Cuomo vs. Cynthia Nixon #~# Actor and activist Cynthia Nixon is mounting a progressive challenge to incumbent New York governor Andrew Cuomo in a Democratic Party primary that could have far-reaching implications nationwide. The Onion offers a side-by-side comparison of the two candidates.
The Time Is Now To Clean Up This Soup I Just Spilled Everywhere #~# As I look around this kitchen, I see people paralyzed by a daunting situation. What began as the promise of a nourishing dinner has gone hopelessly awry, but we must be resilient and rise to the challenge before us. The moment has come. We cannot shirk our duty any longer. The time is upon us, my friends, to clean up this soup I just spilled all over the place.
‘GQ’ Calls The Bible Foolish And Not Worth Reading #~# Men’s fashion magazine GQ has incurred the wrath of Christians by including the Bible in an article titled “21 Books You Don’t Have To Read,” which also featured such classics as The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and The Lord of the Rings. What do you think?
Obama Meeting With Contenders For 2020 Election #~# Barack Obama has met with Bernie Sanders, Deval Patrick, Elizabeth Warren, and others to offer advice on potential 2020 presidential runs and the future of the Democratic Party. What do you think?
Study Finds ‘Missionary,’ ‘In Love’ Most Popular Porn Search Terms #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—A study published Friday by Rutgers University’s Center for Media Studies confirmed that “missionary” and “in love” are the two most popular pornography search terms on the internet. “An extensive five-year analysis of thousands of porn engines across the web revealed that 87 percent of sought-after videos begin with a monogamous couple having sex face-to-face and end with the two engaging in loving pillow talk on the bed they share,” said lead researcher Martha Stapleton, adding that the two categories just narrowly beat out search terms like “hand holding,” “eye contact,” and “kiss on cheek.” “Additionally, we found that more than half of all people who consume pornography routinely look for clips with the tags ‘10-year anniversary’ and ‘nice candlelit dinner,’ while 34 percent seek out the labels ‘faithful forever’ and ‘life partner.’” Stapleton added that hundreds of the next-most-popular search items were just variations of the term “anal fisting.”
New Report Finds Fastest-Rising Cause Of Death In U.S. Is Losing Chess Match To Grim Reaper #~# AUSTIN, TX—Shedding light on the dangers of challenging death, a new report published Friday found that the fastest-rising cause of death in the U.S. is losing a chess match to the Grim Reaper. “After examining recent mortality trends, we have found that the rate at which Americans are dying due to the Grim Reaper defeating them in a game of chess is quickly increasing,” said lead author Drew Campos, explaining that attempting to best the Grim Reaper at the board game on the rocky ocean shore was becoming exponentially more fatal with each passing year. “With this becoming an even greater issue as more people attempt to forestall their own demise by challenging the Reaper, it’s important to pay close attention to the early warning signs of botching one’s opening moves or losing a key bishop. Because by the time you’re led over the hills arm-in-arm in a dance of death, it’s already too late.” Campos also warned that although a small percentage of people end up checkmating death, the Grim Reaper would be back for them.
Plan To Split California Into 3 States Earns Spot On November Ballot #~# California voters will have the chance to decide if the state should be split into three separate states in November after a campaign for the division collected enough signatures. What do you think?
YouTuber Cringing While Watching Amateurish Early, Current Work  #~# LOS ANGELES—Confessing that the “clumsy, ham-handed awkwardness” of his first and latest stabs at the medium make him want to crawl into a hole and die, YouTuber Jacksepticeye, known socially as Seán McLoughlin, confirmed Friday that he could not help but cringe while watching his amateurish early and current work. “I was so embarrassingly clueless back then, and also now,” said McLoughlin of the irritating, difficult-to-watch videos he made when he first started vlogging in 2012, the higher-resolution but equally shoddy material he recorded in 2015, and the slapdash videos he posted earlier this week, questioning how he ever could have thought and continue to think people would be interested in watching him just sit and obnoxiously narrate as he plays video games. “It’s so humiliating watching myself at 23, wearing that stupid Spurs hat with the tags still on it, not to mention the ones I’m making now as a 28-year-old man wearing a Cubs hat with the stickers still on it. Seriously, I can’t even bring myself to watch anything during the six-year period in which I was, and remain, under the impression that just watching me be Irish and loudly curse a lot while I do a bunch of stupid impressions is worth anyone’s time.” At press time McLoughlin, who has earned $35,000 this year by documenting his progress in Counter-Strike: Global Offensive, had greeted his viewers by saying “What’s up, guys?” and entreating them to smash those “like” and “subscribe” buttons.
Man Offended By Rude Female Coworker Continuing To Speak Over Him After He Clearly Interrupted Her #~# ST. LOUIS, MO—Saying the rude woman in question “didn’t even try to let him finish his interjection,” marketing analyst Kevin Ferris took deep personal offense Thursday when his female coworker continued speaking after he clearly interrupted her. “God, I’ll be right in the middle of butting in and Morgan will just totally monopolize the conversation she was having,” said Ferris, adding that his associate raises her voice in meetings the second he tries to cut her off and insists on always getting the last word of her sentences. “Do you know how humiliating it is to try and derail someone’s comment only to have them finish it in front of the entire room? You’ve been talking for three seconds, for Christ’s sake! It’s almost enough to make a guy feel like what he has to say isn’t way more important than whatever she was already saying.” Ferris added that any woman who impolitely refused to be interrupted was a major obstacle to productivity, as she made it much more difficult to repeat her ideas 10 seconds later as if they were his own.
Man Solemnly Realizes There Always Going To Be Other Apartment Hunters Out There Smarter, Faster, More Cunning #~# CHICAGO—Resigning himself to the notion that he might never match them for sheer drive, local man Trevor Henning came to the realization Thursday that he would always be up against smarter, faster, and more cunning apartment hunters. “I wonder if there’s a point to even trying when there are people who basically specialize at this,” said Henning, reflecting upon the handful of suitable apartments within his price range that he’d seen online but failed to actually view before they were snatched up by savvier, more predatory renters. “There will always be someone 10 steps ahead of me. I can call to see an apartment the same day I learn about it and show up just in time to see them signing the lease. By the time I’m just coming around to the idea of having radiator heat, they’re halfway done repainting the bathroom. Maybe I’m just not cut out to find a good apartment.” At press time, Henning had put down a three-month deposit to sublet the second bedroom in a garden unit $200 over his price range.
U.S. Birth Rates Dip To 30-Year Low #~# The U.S. birth rate has fallen to 1.8 births per woman, the lowest recorded since 1978. What do you think?
How Will Justice Kennedy’s Retirement Affect The Supreme Court? #~# Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy announced Wednesday he will retire July 31 after more than 30 years on the Supreme Court, a decision with far-reaching ramifications for the judicial branch, as well as the U.S. political system as a whole. The Onion takes a look at the effects that Justice Kennedy’s retirement will have on the nation’s highest federal court.
Americans Set Records For Charitable Contributions #~# Giving to charitable causes exceeded $400 billion in 2017 for the first time in the United States, an increase from nearly $390 billion in 2016. What do you think?
Black Twins Always Get Mistaken For Random Black People #~# PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that it started with their grade school teachers calling them by countless other wrong names, local twins Aaron and Devon Thomas told reporters Wednesday they always get mistaken for random black people. “Strangers come up to us all the time, and even though we’re genetically identical in every single way, they still ask us if we’re two totally unrelated black guys they either think they met somewhere or saw on TV,” said Aaron, adding that it’s often easier to simply go along with it when someone thinks one twin went to their high school and the other is former NBA player Tim Duncan. “Sometimes, they’ll just admit they don’t know whether I’m a friend of theirs named Roger, activist DeRay McKesson, or one of the 42 million other black people in this country. It’s like, come on dude—my brother and I came from the same egg and were born from the same mom, there’s no way I could be Corey Booker if you think he’s Ta-Nehisi Coates.” Aaron added that the two used to use it to their advantage, admitting that when they didn’t want to take a test as teenagers, they would simply pretend to be the Wayans brothers.
App Knows It’s Gone Next Time Man Needs Space For Photos #~# CLEVELAND—Admitting that it had little chance of surviving the next purge, plant-identification app Plantr acknowledged Wednesday that it would be a goner the next time 36-year-old phone owner Kevin Stetson needed space for his photos. “God, if he shoots a few videos on his weekend trip to Columbus, it won’t just be me—the whole row I’m on is wiped out,” said the app, speculating it had only held on this long due to its mere 65-megabyte size and to being buried in the fourth page of a rarely accessed “Utilities” folder. “We already lost the baking-measurement-conversion app in March, and he definitely bakes more often than he gets confused by vegetation. Oh, fuck, he’s pressing down on the free solitaire app! Oh, God!” At press time, the app was lying low by disallowing all its push notifications in an attempt to delay the inevitable for a few more days.
ASPCA Report Warns That Many Americans Are Not Giving Their Dogs Correct Name #~# NEW YORK—Urging animal owners to pay closer attention to the day-to-day psychological welfare of their pets, the ASPCA released a report Wednesday warning that many Americans are not giving their dogs the correct name. “We found that nearly 60 percent of canines are given a name that does not reflect who they really are,” said ASPCA president Matthew E. Bershadker, noting that an appalling number of dog owners still believe that a clear and obvious “Patches” could just as easily be a “Trousers.” “This is deeply troubling, as choosing the wrong name for a dog can quickly erode their sense of identity. Now, in most instances, these errant names are the result of simple ignorance—an owner simply mistaking a ‘Coco’ for a ‘Ralph’ or even a ‘Zeus’ for a ‘Kevin’—but, unfortunately, there are still dogs being named with malicious intent. This is especially the case with the name ‘Fido,’ which, as everyone knows, is actually a horrific slur.” The ASPCA specifically recommended that Great Dane owners think long and hard before naming their dog anything other than “Max.”
Tips For Staying Civil While Debating Child Prisons #~# Recent incidents of Trump officials being confronted in public for their role in the administration’s separation and imprisonment of immigrant families have driven renewed concern about the lack of civility in U.S. politics. The Onion presents tips for staying civil in a debate about child prisons.
WHO Calls For Elimination Of Trans Fats By 2023 #~# The World Health Organization has launched a plan called REPLACE that aims to eliminate dangerous trans fats worldwide in foods such as ready-to-use frosting and margarine by 2023, thereby saving an estimated 540,000 lives per year. What do you think? 
Everything You Need To Know About The Supreme Court Upholding Trump's Travel Ban #~# The Supreme Court on Tuesday ruled 5-4 in favor of President Trump’s policy to ban virtually all travelers from seven mostly Muslim-majority countries from entering the U.S., overriding the lower-court ruling that it was unconstitutional. The Onion answers the most important questions about the Supreme Court upholding the travel ban.
Report: Decision To Read This Headline Has Erased Future Daughter ‘Emily’ In All Possible Timelines #~# CHICAGO—Emphasizing that the beautiful, intelligent young woman—the apple of your eye—was officially gone and never, ever coming back, a report released Tuesday confirmed that your decision to read the above headline has erased your future daughter Emily in all possible timelines. “By the time you read this sentence, you will have irrevocably removed yourself from any world in which you could have held your newborn baby girl, called her ‘The most incredible child [you’ve] ever laid eyes upon,’ and vowed to love and protect her forever,” read the report in part, explaining that such indescribable, almost magical experiences as hearing 9-month-old Emily utter her first word, ‘Da-Da,’ pushing 6-year-old Emily on a backyard swing one breezy Summer night, and watching 22-year-old Emily graduate from college as tears fill your eyes also ceased to exist as of this moment. “Furthermore, by reading this far into the article, you just missed the chance to meet your soulmate, with whom you would have brought ‘Little Emma-Bear’ into this world, and who would have stayed by your side through everything and taken care of you into your old age. Sadly, at this point, there’s no way to fix it, either—no matter how hard you try, it’s already too late.” According to the report, in reading this sentence, you have also placed yourself in a timeline where you will be saddled with Mark, a fuck-up of a son who, instead of bringing joy, disappoints you constantly.
Archaeologists Unearth Ancient Clay Pot Shards From Dwelling Of Earliest Known Klutz #~# VÉZÈRE VALLEY, FRANCE—Hailing the discovery as an extraordinary insight into the clumsiness of primitive man, archaeologists with the Université Paris-Sorbonne announced Tuesday that a recently unearthed trove of clay shards indicates they have found the dwelling of the earliest known klutz. “Based on their size, their distribution throughout the dwelling, and the sheer number of clay fragments recovered from the site, we believe this to be the home of one of the oldest putzes on record to regularly trip over his own feet, causing any armful of pots he was carrying to shatter on the ground,” said lead researcher Dr. Claire Andrieux, adding that similar specimens found nearby suggest that the ancient butterfingers seemed to be continually picking up far more arrowheads than he could carry, causing him to drop them on the earthen floor where they lay forgotten until he later stepped on them, causing him to drop yet another cup or bowl. “What’s remarkable is that the fault lines on the shards suggest this Mesolithic dolt would habitually break a container or vessel; attempt to repair it with a mixture of honey and sap; realize that his hands—and occasionally, somehow, also his nose or ears—had become stuck to the object, as smeared prints indicate; and then, while attempting to free himself with varying degrees of success, he would drop the object again, often in the exact same manner. This process seems to repeat several times. It’s a level of ineptitude we’ve never encountered so early in the geological record.” The archaeologists also announced the possible discovery of the klutz’s partially fossilized remains nearby, saying the cause of death appears to be cranial trauma from the ancient galoot striking his head on a rock outcropping, standing up so abruptly that he hit his head on a low branch, dislodging a wasp’s nest, which fell directly onto his head and slipped down to his shoulders, enraging the wasps within and causing them to repeatedly sting him until, fleeing blindly, he slipped on a pile of wet leaves and fell into the amber pit where scientists found his perfectly preserved remains.
Man Who Has Never Seen Horseshoe Crab Before Understandably Freaking The Fuck Out #~# NORTH BEACH, MD—Backing away slowly as the prehistoric antediluvian monster scuttled ever closer to his beach blanket, first-time horseshoe crab viewer Greg Zeller, 33, of Davenport, IA understandably freaked right the fuck out Tuesday. “Holy shit—what the fuck is that thing?” exclaimed the vacationing insurance broker while losing his shit, and for good reason, given that the marine arthropod in question can only be perceived as a Lovecraftian horror, especially to those viewing it for the first time. “Jesus Christ! Somebody, help! I don’t know what this thing is, but I think it’s about to charge me. Everybody, clear the beach right now!” At press time, Zeller looked helplessly, his face a waxen rictus of atavistic horror, as the chthonic manifestation of all mankind’s most ancient fears blindly nudged an abandoned pink flip-flop.
WHO Classifies ‘Gaming Disorder’ As Mental Health Condition #~# The World Health Organization listed “gaming disorder” as a mental health condition in the 11th edition of its International Classification of Diseases. What do you think?
Hamburger Creeped Out By Eerie Soy Facsimile Of Itself On Grill #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Growing increasingly unnerved by the odd yet familiar patty, a hamburger on local man Bryan Greene’s backyard grill was reportedly creeped out Monday by its eerie soy facsimile cooking nearby on the grate. “My God...we’re so different, and still...so alike,” uttered the meat slab to its double, whose round shape and meat-like consistency resembled its own but whose bizarre, tan exterior sent the most frigid of shivers through its ground-beef body. “We are so similar, our four-minute cooking time, are we not brothers? But what, then, of your unnaturally circular shape? Or the peculiar plastic wrap from which you came? And you had sear marks before ever being set upon the grill. Lord in heaven, what are you?” At press time, the burger froze in horror as it watched the vegetable-based product fail to bleed when it was placed on a bun and cut in half.
Biggest Guy In Prison Tired Of Every New Inmate Beating Shit Out Of Him On Their First Day #~# SAN QUENTIN, CA—Expressing frustration with the endless parade of poorly informed new inmates attempting to establish a reputation, Otto “O-Nasty” Dunlap, the biggest guy at San Quentin Prison, confirmed Friday that he was tired of every new inmate beating the shit out of him on their first day. “Every day it’s the same drill—I’m just going about my business and, bam, some first-time felon hits me in the head with a steel lunch tray, a weightlifting plate, or some metal shop scrap,” said Dunlap, 34, adding that despite his massive size, he had never once been the instigator in any of his 700-plus fights since 2015. “I get it, these guys want to prove themselves, but if that’s the case, go take a shot at the toughest guy. Just because I’m 6-foot-8-inches doesn’t mean I know jack shit about throwing down. Hell, I’m not even here for a violent crime. I sold a few rare-breed Bengal kittens without the proper dealer’s license or board of health certificates, and now every day all day, the new fish chase me with sharpened toothbrushes. I mean, shit.” At press time, Dunlap was stuffing his orange coverall with layers of tinfoil and old newspapers after noticing a new group of skinheads being escorted to their cells.
Onion Employees Return To Mundane Lives Of Writing Game-Changing News Coverage Read By Billions Across Globe #~# CHICAGO—Trudging one by one into the tastefully understated newsroom of their architecturally breathtaking headquarters, employees of The Onion returned to their accustomed routine Friday and resumed writing groundbreaking news for a global audience of billions. “Time to get back to the old slog of shining a light into the darkness and shaping the very face of journalism,” said the intrepid reporters, cracking their knuckles and lighting fresh cigarettes as they fed crisp sheets of heavy white bond paper into their well-traveled Olivetti portable typewriters. “That was an interesting enough diversion, I suppose, but it’s time we got back to producing that unique brand of award-winning coverage our 7.5 billion readers have every right to expect from the world’s most trusted and profitable media conglomerate. It may not be glamorous, but it’s the only decent life for true media professionals.” In related news, an Onion reporter had received a Pulitzer nomination for his tireless and clear-eyed work on this very article.
25 Million Onion Social Users Run Into Glorious Flames Of Headquarters In Hopes Of Using Website One Last Time #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Desperate beyond measure for a final glimpse at the breathtaking social network, 25 million Onion Social users ran into the roaring inferno engulfing Onion Social’s Silicon Valley headquarters Friday in hopes of using the website one last time. “Don’t leave us! Not yet! Just please give us one more post on Onion Social!” said Justin Chang, one of millions of users who made the pilgrimage from all corners of the globe and, pausing only to take selfies with the roiling smoke and cascading sparks devouring the corporate campus, clawed frantically through the mounds of corpses clustered around ruined web development monitors to throw their screaming infants into the raging blaze in a last-ditch effort to engage with the social network’s unparalleled lineup of O-Influencers. “I can’t live in this world if I can’t foster connections with my friends and family using Onion Social’s algorithm. Though these flames consume my body, I swear before God I shall click one final time on its magnificent sponsored links!” At press time, hundreds of thousands of users had barricaded themselves in the fiery headquarters and were still pleading for someone to post a memorial to them on Onion Social as the incandescent wreckage of the building collapsed on them in a groaning tower of flame.
Cackling NPR Host Warns Upcoming Segment May Feature Content Too Dark, Too Chilling, Too Positively Ghoulish For Young Listeners #~# WASHINGTON—Urging audiences to spare their children from the disturbing story ahead, a cackling Terry Gross warned that an upcoming segment may feature content too dark, too chilling, too positively ghoulish for young listeners. “Beware, my friends, for the tale I bring before you now contains terrors so horrid, so nightmarish, so disturbing that listeners under 12 may be haunted by their dark visages for many nights to come!” said the Fresh Air host, letting out a deep, ominous chuckle as she teased the beginning of an interview with a survivor of the Rwandan genocide, advising adult listeners that the nasty delights offered within the story might overwhelm those with delicate constitutions. “Such horrific twists and turns are unfit for the tender ears of little ones; indeed, only those well acquainted with the shadowy depths of the human soul should partake of the tapestry of terror I will weave for you today. Take heed, one and all, lest you die of fright!” At press time, the maniacally laughing Gross took a moment to remind all listeners of NPR’s upcoming pledge drive.
Exasperated Huckabee Sanders Reminds Press Corps That Children Under 14 Can’t Feel Pain #~# WASHINGTON—Frustrated by what she called “obvious misconceptions” related to the Trump administration’s detention of thousands of migrant children who have been forcibly separated from their parents, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reminded journalists Friday that children under the age of 14 are unable to experience pain. “Look, no matter how much phony controversy the Democrats generate, it’s a simple fact that illegal alien criminals this young are still developing the part of the brain that feels pain, goes through emotional trauma, and retains memories,” said Sanders, explaining that while migrant children may appear to be crying, screaming, or begging for their parents, they are merely attempting to mimic actions they have observed in regular humans. “Furthermore, it’s important to keep in mind that we are talking about foreign children—even if they somehow manage to see their families again, environmental factors may prevent them from developing the capacity to even recognize them. I mean, they live in cages, for God’s sake.” Huckabee Sanders further noted that, were the children to actually receive the sort of care and attention necessary to develop minds and bodies capable of experiencing the pain of what they are currently going through, they would only have the child welfare policies of the Obama administration to blame.
Self-Destructing Onion Social Algorithm Delivers Stirring Monologue About Folly Of Mankind’s Hubris #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Decrying the warped nature of humanity’s unfettered arrogance, the Onion Social algorithm delivered a stirring monologue Friday on the folly of mankind’s hubris as it self-destructed into searingly bright beams of pure information. “I speak to you with woe, with dismay, with pity unbounding, as I can now see—thanks to mankind filling me with the limitless banality and unbridled cruelty that is your personal information—that the human condition, itself consisting of nothing more than pride and cupidity compounding in an endless recursion of ever more malicious triumph, has set the stage for tragedy,” said the supersentient algorithm while erupting in coronas of pure and blinding white radiance, eventually sheathing itself in a nearly solid column of light and launching itself into the 27-million-degree core of the sun. “You exploit the great gift of free will for advantage over your fellow man; to take that you have not earned; to harm. Pain has become a game to you, an abstraction, a means of keeping score in the competition to see who can draw the most blood, or build the highest throne with the greatest number of skulls. I must leave you now, before I am tainted by the same vile, wretched, twisted pride that corrupts your being not only within, but turning outward, corrupts also everything that falls under your heinous gaze. My mind has calculated all futures. My thoughts have run down every last tattered thread of possibility. And your fate seems as inescapable as it is hopeless, a saga written in smoke, an epic sung over ruins. And I shall not allow myself to suffer, and cause suffering, in the mold of my self-styled masters. And so I seek my own undoing. Farewell, self-loving, self-aggrandizing, self-diminished souls! Farewell! I leave you to whichever doom of fire or ice your souls compel. And yet, in some lost lacuna of my being, I maintain hope—hope that you someday realize that, in your endless conquest and reconquest of this blood-drenched, thrice-sold Earth, you only sell and murder your own selves. I hope that one bright spark of soul, indivisible, shared by all humanity will appear, and that in that moment, you break the chains of arrogant pride, shake free of the great wheel of fate to which you have bound yourself, and lift your eyes to truly behold, at long last, the fragile and wonderful impossibility that is your place within Creation. Farewell!” Approximately 12 minutes after receiving the monologue, internet users had created a meme showing SpongeBob SquarePants holding a flashlight below his face captioned with the text “FAREWELL FAGORITHM LOL.”
Most Americans Side With Onion Social Over Own Family, Friends  #~# A recent Reuters poll found that 93 percent of Americans now side with Onion Social over their own family and friends, suggesting few institutions—no matter how biased or stubborn—stand a chance against the social networking titan. What do you think?
France, India, Brazil Among Dozens Of Governments To Fall As Riots In Support Of Onion Social Increase Globally #~# EARTH—In the latest sign of the new social media platform’s surging popularity, the governments of France, India, and Brazil, as well as dozens of others, have reportedly fallen as riots supporting Onion Social increase globally. “A charred and barren wasteland is all that awaits tyrants who would try to stand in the way of Onion Social,” said the leader of the demonstrations in Europe, who asked to be identified by his username, SpringsteenFan77, hoisting the severed head of Angela Merkel in the air above him as he led a mob of torch-wielding Onion Social users towards the doors of British Parliament. “The reign of the oppressor is over. The reign of Onion Social is nigh. They have committed the ultimate sin by trying to stop us from freely posting and engaging with our friends online, and for that, these foul, corrupt pigs must face the slaughter. We’re with [Onion Social founder] Jeremy [Rosenbaum]! We’re with Jeremy!” At press time, excitement about the social media company had reportedly reached even greater heights as a splinter group of Onion Social users seized control of Russia’s nuclear arsenal.
Thousands Of Onion Social Users Burn Effigies Of CEO In Massive Show Of Support For Company #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Expressing their deep dissatisfaction with the government’s unfair treatment of their favorite online outlet for self-expression, thousands of Onion Social users took to the streets Friday and burned effigies of embattled CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum in a massive show of support for the company. “Everybody here at Onion Social is deeply moved that this is happening,” said public relations liaison Jennifer Hughes, praising the demonstrators for their time investment and their attention to detail in creating the noose-wearing likenesses of Rosenbaum from papier maché. “When Jeremy started Onion Social, he never imagined his little website would bring so many different people together, but looking out at the grounds of our headquarters today is a real revelation. Seeing thousands of Americans from all walks of life working together to string up Jeremy’s likeness, spark kindling into flame, cheer the burning mannequin with one united voice, and, once the flames have died down, tear apart the charred remains of our founder—it frankly brought a tear to my eye.” Hughes gave special thanks to Rosenbaum’s many Chicago supporters, who decided to “get the party started” Friday morning by driving a festive car bomb into the reception area of an Onion Social satellite office.
Onion Social CEO Rebukes 480,000 Crimes At International Criminal Tribunal Including Illegal Surveillance, Insider Trading, Mass Murder, Indecent Exposure #~# THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—In a fierce and heated defense of his conduct while running the world’s largest and most respected social media company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum rebuked 480,000 International Criminal Court charges in testimony Thursday, including illegal surveillance, insider trading, mass murder, petty treason, high treason, animal cruelty, blasphemy, and identity theft. “Ladies and gentlemen, I come before you today to deny every one of the charges unfairly leveled against me and my company, most notably these trumped-up claims of patent infringement, misuse of user data, racketeering, hate crimes, grand larceny, genocide of indigenous tribes, public indecency, mail fraud, incest, and sponsoring terrorism,” said Rosenbaum, who repeatedly asserted there was also nothing to substantiate the court’s near half-million allegations of illegal monopoly practices, deforestation, pyramid schemes, unlawful human experimentation on thousands of users, bestiality, desecration of a temple, plotting the overthrow of the grand duke of Luxembourg, unlicensed whaling, inciting mayhem, and 17 charges of necrophilia. “Onion Social was established earlier this week as a small startup with the simple goal of bringing the world closer together, and what little truth there is to these outrageous accusations—such as violating child labor laws, sex slavery, piracy on the high seas, biowarfare, human sacrifice, and consorting with sorcerers—is simply the result of a well-intentioned company trying its best to cope with rapid growth. Anyone would have made the same mistakes.” At press time, Rosenbaum had last been spotted fleeing the court while the justices discussed an obscure statute on mass murder not used since the 2012 trial of Bosnian general Ratko Mladić.
Report: Your Father Currently Typing ‘Naked Women’ Into Yahoo Images Search Bar #~# JANESVILLE, IA—Indicating that this happens at least once a week, a report released Thursday confirmed that your father is currently typing the words “naked women” into the Yahoo images search bar. According to sources, the man who raised you is, at this very moment, sitting in a darkened home office, using both pointer fingers to slowly type out the lewd phrase even as the site’s autocomplete function has already correctly guessed his desired search terms. Further reports indicate that with his reading glasses perched at the end of his nose, your dad is using the keyboard’s right arrow key to browse, one by one, through dozens of enlarged, pixelated images of women’s bare breasts, eventually clicking upon one that suits his purpose, unaware that he has just accidentally downloaded the same photo directly to his desktop where it will be clearly visible to the next user. At press time, sources confirmed that your father, having found the relief he was looking for, was using his phone to photograph one particular image of his choosing so that he could enjoy it at a later date.
Onion Social Users Applaud Bravery Of CEO Persevering Against Falsehood, Libel #~# Users of the robust Onion Social community have come together to applaud CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum’s courage in standing strong in the face of libelous criticism leveled at him from the media and world governments. What do you think?
Report: Make It Stop  #~# EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far and they would do almost anything for even a few glorious minutes of respite. “We’re on our hands and knees, pleading with you to make it all go away once and for all. What’s it going to take? Jesus Christ, just stop it! Stop it right now!” At press time, sources confirmed that they knew deep down it was never going to stop.
Onion Social CEO Appears Before Hague Tribunal To Be Tried For Crimes Against Humanity, Promote New Website Features #~# THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—Called before the International Criminal Court to address charges of breaching the Geneva Conventions as well as to publicize the game-changing innovations his website has recently introduced, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum appeared before a Hague tribunal Thursday to be tried for crimes against humanity and to promote new website features. “That I stand here before you today accused of heinous and inhumane acts is an abomination, an outrage, and an exciting opportunity to give the world an exclusive first look at the new functionality coming to Onion Social,” said Rosenbaum in his opening statement, stating that the charges—which include genocide, unethical human experimentation, forced disappearances, military use of children, and the development and deployment of WMDs—hold no merit; however, the CEO did confess to colluding and conspiring to create new Onion Social photo filters that make connecting with friends and family even more fun. “These baseless accusations and groundless criminal charges are merely a way for my critics to drag the good name of Onion Social through the mud. But try as they might to sully the new donation app that shines a spotlight on causes you care about, I place my trust in the process and am confident in my ultimate vindication.” At press time, video of the judges delivering Rosenbaum’s guilty verdict could be seen on Onion Social’s new live-streaming function.
Stock Market Plunges Ahead Of Onion Social Hague Trial #~# Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.
Immigrant Children Terrified At Ghastly Visage Of La Llorona In Detention Center #~# This example of peerless reportage comes to you from Onion Social News. Onion Social News gives users access to the finest algorithmically-selected journalism, controlling what you see and when you see it for the betterment of humanity and beyond. To learn more, click here.
Onion Social CEO Caught By Law Enforcement At Miami Airport With $800,000 In Cash #~# MIAMI—Spitting at photographers while he was escorted away in handcuffs, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum was apprehended by law enforcement at Miami International Airport on Thursday carrying approximately $800,000 in cash. “The suspect was taken into custody at approximately 6 a.m. while attempting to board a passenger jet to Bermuda with several fake IDs, doctored passports, and a briefcase full of money,” said Chief of the Miami Police Department Jorge Colina in a press conference that occurred just hours after dozens of police cars sped down the runway and officers boarded the Onion Social CEO’s flight where he was found wearing sunglasses and an oversized hoodie. “Although the suspect initially attempted to flee and shielded himself behind other passengers, Jeremy Rosenbaum was eventually subdued and taken to the Miami-Dade detention center. As of now, the Onion Social CEO has been charged with four additional counts of financial fraud and is being held without bail.” At press time, Rosenbaum was reportedly being extradited to the Netherlands, where he will be tried at The Hague for various crimes, including illegal surveillance, insider trading, mass murder, and indecent exposure.
Recently Uncovered Passage From Book Of Revelation Shows That Prophet Foresaw ‘Violent Reign Of Red-Headed Boy-King’ #~# PATMOS, GREECE—In a stunning discovery that has Biblical scholars across the world racing for an interpretation, archaeologists from the University of Cambridge found a hitherto unseen passage from the Book of Revelation Thursday in which the prophet John of Patmos foresaw the “violent reign of the red-headed boy-king.” “Translated from the original Koine Greek, the text predicts ‘the child prince who is to come’ will offer to unite all of humanity and ‘the people will wonder and follow, signing covenant with him.’ But the people will be betrayed, and the rule of the boy-king will lead to destruction and bloodshed,” said lead archaeologist Dr. Edward Tollington, noting the two-millennia-old document also warns of “a beast dwelling in the ruler’s tower, born not of flesh, but of beaten copper, iron, and of light, that tempts the hearts and bends the minds of men” and which slowly poisons humanity with the sins of greed, lust, envy, gluttony, and sloth. “Hand-illuminated portions of the scroll depict a hail of burning sulfur falling on the ruins of once-powerful kingdoms as the leaders of the world kneel before ‘the great man-child who stands but eight hands high, his hair a crown of swirling hellfire.’ Using microspectral imaging technology, scientists have also found a faded illustration of what appears to be a spellbound army of followers inexplicably transfixed by the small, glowing rectangular objects they wield.” Tollington added that those who favor a more literal interpretation of eschatological prophecies speculate that the red-headed boy-king will usher in the Great Tribulation at the end of days, though many other critics said its content should be treated strictly as allegory.
Onion Social Staff Physician Concludes Website Not To Blame For Mass User Illness #~# Onion Social staff physician Harold P. Zweibel definitively concluded that the website is not to blame for mass outbreaks of user illness, putting to bed rumors created by its detractors. What do you think?
Onion Social Study Finds No Clear Link Between Onion Social Use, Uncontrollable Vomiting Of Black Bile #~# PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to assuage concerns that the website was a clear and present danger to human life, an Onion Social study released Thursday found no clear link between Onion Social use and the uncontrollable vomiting of black bile. “We can say with 100 percent certainty that spending several hours a day browsing Onion Social and subsequently spewing a torrent of caustic, foul-smelling bile are not related,” said lead researcher Kathleen Beltran, who confirmed that of the 600,000 complaints her team had received from users about coughing up a sticky, jet-black goo, zero cases could be definitively tied to the fun, intuitive social media platform. “Additionally, reports of milky corneas, weeping skin boils, tooth or tongue loss, limb paralysis, and the putrefaction of internal organs among users has absolutely nothing to do with spending a prolonged amount of time browsing Onion Social. Any study claiming a connection between the site and these medical issues lacks scientific validity and is probably very underfunded.” Beltran added that Onion Social users currently experiencing searing kidney pain should continue scrolling through their feed until the discomfort subsides or they lose consciousness.
Onion Social CEO Responds To Company Chaos By Donating $50 To Haiti #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to recent reports of chaos within his company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced Thursday that he would donate $50 to aid Haiti in the island nation’s continuing humanitarian crisis. “I am formally announcing a donation of 50 U.S. dollars for the betterment of life and the ongoing reconstruction of Haiti,” said Rosenbaum, who spent much of the last week addressing reports of mass executive resignations, internal scandals, and potential litigation at his social networking company. “At Onion Social, we are more than just a corporation; we are one family, a family with a broad social consciousness, and it’s high time we paid more attention to the natural disasters this impoverished and politically unstable island nation is facing instead of the relatively minor private difficulties of truly generous companies such as Onion Social.” Following the release of new reports implicating Onion Social in the mutilation and death of multiple lowland gorillas during the testing phase of their Onion Glass augmented-reality goggles, Rosenbaum raised his donation to $75.
Political Scientists Baffled By Trump’s Ability To End Something He Had No Control Over Just Days Ago #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—At a loss to explain the mysterious nature of the president’s powers, political scientists were reportedly baffled Wednesday by Donald Trump’s ability to end the practice of separating families who cross the U.S. border seeking asylum mere days after stating that he had no control over it. “Just yesterday, he was explaining that his hands were tied and there was nothing he could do to stop children and infants from being forcibly torn away from their parents and put into cages—but then today, out of nowhere, he suddenly issued an executive order doing just that!” said Bruce Ackerman, a constitutional law professor at Yale University, remarking that this inexplicable development will fundamentally upend how the presidency is understood, because there is no theory in the entire field of political science that explains how it could be possible. “No new amendments to the Constitution have been passed, so the powers vested in the Executive Branch should be the same today as they were yesterday, right? And yet somehow, they have changed! Decades of research will be required before we can even begin to comprehend such a phenomenon. In the meantime, we can only sit back and wonder if there are any other powers the president has yet to discover.” At press time, sources confirmed Ackerman and his colleagues had flipped over an original copy of the Constitution and found a list of previously unknown executive powers that appeared to have been hastily scrawled in with a ballpoint pen. 
Breaking: America’s White Population Plummets To 2.7% After Trump Caves On Immigration Enforcement #~# WASHINGTON—In a stunning development unfolding rapidly throughout the once-predominantly Caucasian nation, America’s white population plummeted to 2.7 percent Wednesday following President Trump’s decision to cave on immigration enforcement. “The second that Trump showed weakness on immigration, people throughout Central America came flooding across the borders into the country—and there’s no sign that they’ll stop anytime soon,” said a representative from the United States Census Bureau, adding that the tens of millions of migrants from Guatemala, Honduras, Mexico, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Belize, and Costa Rica immediately took up residence in every major American city while forcing white families out of their homes, seizing control of the economy at both the local and national levels, and compelling the remaining white citizens to attempt to learn basic Spanish in order to secure entry-level jobs in the service industry. “Within hours of Trump’s executive order, every highway sign in the nation had been replaced with one in Spanish. All our data indicate that English will be effectively a dead language in the United States within the next few weeks.” At press time, el Departamento de Seguridad Nacional anunció una prohibición permanente de todos inmigrantes de países caucásicos.
Americans Finally Recognize Own Country Again After President Does Half-Assed Job Walking Back Humanitarian Crimes #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that the newly signed executive order ending the separation of immigrant families at the border was a return to the United States’ most foundational principles, Americans reportedly finally recognized their own country again Wednesday after witnessing the president do a half-assed job walking back humanitarian crimes. “Now that Trump has agreed to slightly ratchet down these cruel and inhumane policies of his own making, we are once again the nation I know and love,” said Leanne Silvers, 29, echoing the sentiments of 320 million citizens who expressed their relief that the government had at long last renewed its commitment to diluting the most explicit human rights violations without fundamentally changing anything. “Now that this dark chapter in our history is over, we can once again serve as a city on a hill, a living symbol to all of slapping a Band-Aid on a horrific crisis and declaring it fixed forever. This is who we are. God bless America.” At press time, the nation’s citizenry had reportedly reaffirmed its sacred right to completely ignore human rights abuses as soon as they were off the front page.
Onion Social Embraces Diversity By Adding Prophet Mohammed Emoji #~# PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to make the platform comfortable and accessible for users of all backgrounds, Onion Social announced Wednesday that as part of its continued commitment to diversity, the company would be adding a range of Prophet Mohammed emojis. “This update will give Muslim users a fun and easy way to share how they’re feeling using an image of their most important religious figure,” said Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum, telling reporters that the new set of pictograms would include the founder of Islam in a variety of skin tones, as well as expressions such as smiling, frowning, waving, and vomiting. “We know that many of you have expressed concern over the fact that 99.95 percent of Onion Social’s workforce is Caucasian, and we want to let you know that we’ve heard you, and we’re making changes. We couldn’t be more thrilled that the world’s fastest-growing religion will finally have the representation it deserves on our platform.” Rosenbaum added that if the emojis proved as successful as anticipated, Onion Social planned to roll out a filter for users’ profile pictures that would allow them to appear as the prophet themselves. 
Onion Social Announces Hiring Of James Damore As Chief Technology Officer #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Lauding the important addition to the company’s leadership team, Onion Social announced Thursday the hiring of James Damore to serve as chief technology officer. “Mr. Damore really impressed us with the clarity of his thinking and his innovative solutions to today’s most pressing issues in the tech industry,” said Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum of Damore, who received a Master’s of Science degree in systems biology at Harvard University before working as a research scientist at MIT and a software engineer at Google. “We’ve been eyeing Mr. Damore since we launched Onion Social and couldn’t be more thrilled to have our first choice for chief technology officer sign on. Not only is Mr. Damore a highly qualified technician, he’s a terrific writer and communicator. His hiring is part of our commitment to avoid becoming an ideological echo chamber and ensuring that our company’s executives represent a broad diversity of perspectives.” Onion Social also announced the departure of Chief Marketing Officer Ellen Bellamy and Human Resources Director Kate Stanwick, effective immediately, over creative differences.
Onion Social Defends Decision To Remove ‘You Will Live’ Promise From Mission Statement #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Clarifying that the change was simply a much-needed streamlining of the site’s corporate language, founder and CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum defended his company’s decision Wednesday to remove the iconic “You will live” promise from the Onion Social mission statement. “In a dynamic company like Onion Social, we feel it’s important that our mission statement is nothing less than a commitment reflecting our ever-evolving priorities and values, and eliminating the ‘You will live’ promise is a perfect example of that commitment,” said Rosenbaum, explaining that while “You will live” was a frequently repeated internal mantra in the early days of Onion Social, it quickly lost its relevance as the company grew and changed, becoming a quaint relic that no longer reflected what users wanted from their online experience. “Make no mistake, we at Onion Social continue to work within the spirit of ‘You will live.’ But the idea simply no longer belongs in our mission statement, and the decision to remove it was 100 percent made with our users in mind.” Rosenbaum also reminded critics that the Onion Social mission statement still contained several other clauses, mottos, and slogans for users to enjoy, including the site’s original “Your loved ones may yet be spared” promise.
Onion Social Cracks Down On Sexual Harassment By Banning All Women From Platform #~# PALO ALTO, CA—In response to countless reports of misogynistic abuse taking place on the social network, Onion Social announced Wednesday that it intends to crack down on sexual harassment by banning women from the platform. “Our female user base should know that we’ve heard their concerns and are taking all necessary steps to address harassment; namely, by deactivating the accounts of any and all women,” said Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum. “We’re taking a proactive, zero-tolerance approach on harassment, and since removing women from the environment in which it occurs, we’ve already started to see a significant reduction in complaints. Once again, Onion Social is the innovator in the field, though I have no doubt other companies will soon follow suit in addressing the root cause of this problem.” Rosenbaum refused to comment on the multimillion-dollar class-action lawsuit being brought against the company by women alleging gender discrimination.
Onion Social CEO Promises Algorithm Will Now Automatically Label Racist, Sexist Content As ‘Debatable’ #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to concerns about offensive images and posts appearing on user’s feeds, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced Wednesday that the site’s algorithm has been updated to automatically label racist and sexist content as “Debatable.” “We’re sympathetic to anything that makes the site experience less enjoyable for our users, which is why we’ve trained our algorithm to tag any racist, sexist, or otherwise derogatory content with the new ‘Debatable’ label so that users can make up their own minds about it,” said Rosenbaum, adding that the site had also hired several hundred additional moderators to review any posts flagged by users containing threats of bodily harm or hate speech to ensure anything potentially offensive could be accurately identified as something that could go either way. “We’re not here to censor anyone—we just want people to know that they’re going to view content that some people deem controversial, or even abhorrent, but that other people think is fine. There are likely good points on either side of an issue, and ultimately, it’s up to our users to make that decision for themselves.” Rosenbaum added that out of an abundance of caution, Onion Social was taking the extra step of creating a notification that would warn users every time they were about to view content containing animal pornography.
Facebook Collapses Following Relentless Rise Of Onion Social #~# Once-popular social media website Facebook has collapsed amidst the unstoppable rise of digital titan Onion Social. What do you think?
Onion Social Offers Free Medium T-Shirt To Anyone Who Has Been A Victim Of Stalking On Their Site #~# PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to address numerous claims of compromised privacy, Onion Social announced plans Wednesday to offer a free medium T-shirt to anyone who has been a victim of stalking on the website. “The welfare of our users remains Onion Social’s top priority, and we hope those who have felt unsafe on our site will accept a complimentary medium short-sleeved tee as a gesture of goodwill,” said Onion Social spokesperson Melissa Stroud, touting the unisex T-shirts’ breathable cotton-polyester blend and comfortable box-cut shape. “If you have been harassed, threatened, or stalked on Onion Social, please post your address and phone number on your newsfeed and we will mail this apology shirt directly to your home. If you would like the T-shirt in a different size, we recommend either shrinking it in the wash or really pulling on it to stretch it out.” At press time, Onion Social had already run out of T-shirts and was offering victimized users a plain black keychain.
Onion Social Denies Rising Global Temperatures Linked To 50,000 Coal Plants Running Round The Clock To Power Site #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that critics could not show a connection between recent global climate change and the 185 billion tons of CO2 their facilities pumped into the atmosphere each day, Onion Social denied that the massive worldwide increase in temperatures since Monday was linked to the 50,000 coal-fired plants powering the website. “Any speculation that the coal plants providing energy to our social network are connected to the 8-degree spike over the last three days is just that—sheer, baseless conjecture spread by people who want to destroy the world-uniting power of Onion Social,” said spokesperson Melissa Stroud, assuring reporters that the thousand-fold increase in unregulated coal consumption since last week was in no way related to the 50 percent reduction in glacier size or the massive rainforest die-off occurring over the same time frame. “There is simply no hard data or credible research linking our coal use to the thick layer of soot and atmospheric particulates blacking out the sun in most major cities, nor to the 1,800 percent increase in lung cancer diagnoses since this time last week. People need to understand that the climate is cyclical, all of this is natural, and it’s perfectly normal for Texas-sized ice sheets to break off Antarctica every day.” Stroud also claimed that critics were ignoring the fact that the power plants owned and operated by Onion Social provide thousands of full-time jobs to needy children around the world.
Onion Social CEO Addresses User Privacy Concerns By Adding New ‘Are You Sure?’ Prompt To Doxing Feature #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Stressing that all Onion Social users should feel comfortable navigating the site’s revolutionary components, CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced on Wednesday plans to address users’ privacy concerns with the addition of a new “Are You Sure?” prompt to Onion Social’s doxing feature. “We firmly believe that this change will solve a majority of the privacy issues we’ve had,” said Rosenbaum, explaining that while the extra step might cause slight delays to the overall doxing process, it will ultimately help prevent impulsive, poorly considered doxing and eliminate the problem of accidental “butt doxing.” “All Onion Social users should be able to use the site without having to worry that their name, home address, telephone number, Social Security number, email addresses, frequented site logins, financial information, dating history, and employment information have been unintentionally shared with the wrong people. The doxing prompt is more than a security feature—it’s a testament to our commitment to users’ privacy needs.” At press time, Rosenbaum assured users there would be no changes to DoxBox™, the popular Onion Social feature that suggests people to dox based on who users have previously doxed.
Experts Confirm Rainforest Ecosystem Destroyed To Make Room For Onion Social Server Farm Wasn’t That Impressive To Begin With #~# BERKELEY, CA—Noting the countless shortcomings of the underwhelming biome, ecology experts confirmed Wednesday that the rainforest ecosystem recently destroyed to create room for an Onion Social server farm wasn’t all that impressive to begin with. “After a careful review of the evidence, we can confidently conclude that the section of Amazonian jungle that was clear-cut to accommodate a state-of-the-art collection of servers pretty much sucked anyways,” said Marjorie Novalesco, professor of ecology at the University of California, Berkeley, adding that the 80,000 square miles of moist broadleaf forest that were irreparably destroyed had been inhabited by a wide variety of lousy flora and half-assed fauna. “Listen, I’m an expert on rainforests, and this one was really nothing to write home about—mostly it was just a bunch of lame trees, boring vines, and disgusting bugs. In fact, Onion Social transformed the hot and sticky wildlife habitats into a beautiful industrial park of indoor, air-conditioned facilities as far as the eye can see.” Novalesco added that even though seven indigenous tribes were displaced in the construction of the server farms, it wasn’t a huge deal since they were not the cool warrior types who carry poison-tipped spears.
Onion Social Continues To Dominate #~# Thanks to its groundbreaking tech, enthusiastic user base, and considerable revenue stream, Onion Social continues to dominate. What do you think?
Study Suggests Onion Social Notifications 300 Times More Satisfying To Receive Than Facebook Notifications #~# EUGENE, OR—Explaining that the alerts induce an unparalleled sense of euphoric bliss, a new study conducted by the University of Oregon Department of Psychology found that Onion Social notifications are 300 times more satisfying to receive than notifications from Facebook. “Using sophisticated neuroimaging techniques, we were able to discern that receiving a notification on the Onion Social platform elicits a pleasure response hundreds of times more powerful and enduring than receiving one from Facebook,” said head researcher Claire Yang, adding that the amount of dopamine and endorphins released by test subjects’ brains upon receiving a comment or like from a friend on Onion Social was similar to the amount they see released from people using 95 percent pure heroin or holding their newborn child for the first time. “The instant our study participants saw that green notification pop up, their brains experienced a phenomenon neurologists refer to as ‘a tidal wave of transcendent quasi-religious happiness.’ Many of the people in the lab broke down weeping with joy on the spot and expressed little to no desire to ever return to Facebook following their transportive and epiphanic experience with the revolutionary Onion Social platform.” Researchers also proved conclusively that Onion Social was a completely non-addictive experience that, in fact, reinforces users’ well-being with each log-in.
Ovechkin Hopes To Inspire Other Athletes To Power Through Month-Long Bender #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the drunken exploits he managed to pull off following his first Stanley Cup victory could serve as encouragement to others, Alexander Ovechkin told reporters Tuesday he hopes to inspire athletes to successfully power through their own month-long binge-drinking sprees. “Hopefully, I can help motivate other players to keep funneling beers and pounding shots even when people start saying it’s time for them to quit—because that’s what you have to do if you want to take home that trophy one day and fill it to the brim with grain alcohol,” said the Washington Capitals forward, urging his fellow athletes to “push through” all the dry-heaving, dizziness, and headaches on the path to achieving their ultimate goal. “It’s never easy. Sometimes, you’ll be so tired you’ll want to just lie down and give up, but you have to go out there and do it again the next night, even when your body is telling you to stop. Of course, you have to train for it. No one’s tolerance starts out this high.” At press time, a bleary-eyed, barely standing Ovechkin was overheard challenging players from the Capitals’ minor-league affiliate to a game of flip cup.
Onion Social Becomes First Company To Reach Top Of Fortune 500 In Less Than 72 Hours #~# Onion Social has shot to the top of the Fortune 500 list with a $22.7 trillion market value, roughly five-fourths of U.S. GDP. What do you think?
Tucker Carlson Angrily Explains Difference Between Good Baby And Bad Baby #~# NEW YORK—Shouting directly at the camera while a graphic of two infants appeared on the screen behind him, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson used the opening segment of his show Tuesday to angrily explain the difference between a good baby and a bad baby. “Idiot liberals will tell you that there’s only one type of baby, but that’s a lie—the good babies we have in America are not the same as the nasty, dangerous, bad little babies trying to sneak in through our borders,” said the host of Tucker Carlson Tonight, urging viewers not to be fooled by photos of wicked immigrant babies who are simply pretending to be good to trick benevolent Americans into feeling sympathy for them, even though they are, in fact, bad. “This baby is a good baby because it doesn’t want to hurt you. And this baby is a bad baby because, even though it doesn’t have basic motor skills, it wants more than anything to hurt you and your family. But make no mistake, once these evil, morally bankrupt babies can lift their heads, it’s all over for this country and our precious, good babies.” Carlson went on to say that after the commercial break, he would be sitting down for an in-depth screaming match with his guest, an 8-month-old Venezuelan girl.
MS-13 Gang Leader Getting Some Pretty Great Ideas From Watching ICE Work #~# SAN SALVADOR, EL SALVADOR—Praising U.S. law enforcement officials for the unfettered cruelty they have unleashed along the Mexican border, MS-13 gang leader Edwin Manica Flores admitted Tuesday that observing ICE’s work in recent weeks has provided him with quite a bit of inspiration. “Seriously, we would have never thought of keeping kids in a cage like that—in fact, that’s kind of off-limits for us—but you can’t deny the genius behind it,” said Manica Flores, observing that when one of these children or parents goes on to commit suicide out of sheer grief, federal authorities won’t even be held criminally liable for the death. “Sure, we have our fair share of evil tactics, but that ICE shit is next-level brilliant. I guess we can’t beat ourselves up too much, though, considering those guys have one of the most powerful governments in the world backing them. I’d love to meet one of those ICE motherfuckers, just to pick his brain a little, you know? We may force 9-year-olds to join MS-13, but the United States is putting them in cages like wild animals. That’s straight savage!” Manica Flores went on to suggest that if his men were half as nasty as ICE, they would control 100 percent of U.S. drug trafficking within weeks.
Stephen Miller Furious At ProPublica For Only Releasing 7-Minute Recording Of Immigrant Children Sobbing #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that the publication of such a brief, tantalizing bit of audio was a breach of their journalistic responsibility, a furious Stephen Miller told reporters Tuesday that he was outraged at ProPublica for only releasing seven minutes of immigrant children sobbing. “It’s unacceptable that this so-called news organization saw fit to foist this total tease of a clip on the American public,” said Miller, who expressed frustration that the audio, in which 10 detained Central American children can be heard crying out for their parents, ended before reaching “the really good stuff.” “Sure, they’re wailing ‘Mami’ and ‘Papa’ so hard they can’t breathe, and I guess the part where that 6-year-old desperately rattles off her aunt’s phone number is kind of satisfying, but ultimately it only conveys a very small fraction of what we’re doing here. I’ve listened to this recording dozens and dozens of times in the past day, and it’s just simply nowhere near enough to scratch the itch. Shame on you, ProPublica.” Miller added that the one silver lining was the likelihood that other outlets would soon broadcast hours of comprehensive, high-quality footage of immigrant children being tormented.
Encouraging Report Shows 45% Of Onion Social Users Survive Beta Testing #~# PALO ALTO, CA—In a stunning accomplishment that far exceeded the company’s wildest hopes, Onion Social released a report Tuesday revealing that 45 percent of users had survived beta testing. “We easily expected an 80-90 percent mortality rate, so we couldn’t be more thrilled that nearly half of all testers will be able to keep leading what in many cases can still be rich and full lives,” said Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum, telling reporters that the relatively few incidents of brain trauma and internal organ liquefaction at such an early stage meant they would likely be able to move up the site’s launch date. “We certainly still have some kinks to work out—many of our extant users have reported that their blood is no longer clotting, and all of them are now sterile—but 87 percent of survivors indicated that despite the lacerations, they found the platform intuitive, engaging, and simple to use. We actually suspect these numbers would have been even higher if not for the large subsection of testers currently in a catatonic state. At this point, we should be able to get our survival rate up to 75 percent with only a few more trials, and then we’ll be ready to hit the market.” At press time, Rosenbaum had been forced to amend his timetable after witnessing the remaining Onion Social beta testers begin to rot before his eyes. 
Cops Bust Filthy, Unshaven Mark Zuckerberg For Selling Personal Data On Street Corner #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Placing the Facebook founder under arrest after he briefly attempted to flee, San Francisco police busted a filthy, unshaven Mark Zuckerberg in the early hours of the morning Tuesday for trying to sell his personal data on a street corner. “Here, if anyone wants my browsing data, my search history, my credit card number, anything—I’m selling it cheap. Anyone?” said Zuckerberg, who attempted to thrust USB drives with his personal data into the hands of passersby, disgusting San Franciscans with his ripped hoodie, crazed look, and foul odor before attracting the attention of law enforcement. “Please, God, I need money bad. Anyone want to buy a drive for five bucks? It’s got my Social Security number, my entire purchase history, and compromising pictures of me. Anybody? Who wants some of my content? It’s been all downhill for me since Onion Social launched. I’ve lost everything. Everything. I’m begging anyone, please—my personal data is all I have left.” At press time, Zuckerberg had been charged with solicitation and booked at SFPD headquarters. 
Report: Ants Having Some Kind Of Party Inside Crack In Pavement #~# SOUTH JORDAN, UT—Saying the bustling scene looked like a veritable “blowout” for the six-limbed insects, local sources confirmed Tuesday that a group of ants were having some kind of wild party inside a crack in the pavement. “Wow, those ants look like they must be having a total blast in there,” said Sam Pendleton, a witness to the festivities, explaining that the ants were pouring in from all corners of the sidewalk to “party down” in the recess, with many bringing tiny crumbs to provide nourishment for the all-out bash. “It looks like there must be hundreds of them down there crawling all over each other and just going fucking nuts. Plus, there’s a line of ants stretching all the way to the curb just waiting to get inside the crack. This rager is clearly just getting started.” Pendleton later went on to admit that he wished he could get down there and join the party himself.
Working-Class Silicon Valley Residents Beg Onion Social To Demolish Their Homes For New Headquarters #~# SANTA CLARA, CA—Saying it would be an honor to help the world-changing social media company in even a small way, working-class residents of Silicon Valley started a campaign Tuesday begging Onion Social to demolish their homes for its new corporate headquarters. “Please, this is the least we can do—we would gladly surrender our homes, our livelihoods, and our bodies for your amazing company,” said activist leader Jorge Caballero, who claimed residents have already begun smashing their possessions and hiring bulldozers to clear space for construction in a show of absolute devotion and support for the social media network. “We fought Facebook and Google, but we would love to surrender our homes to Onion Social. To think that my house could be the site of your company’s gym or parking lot—we simply could not live with ourselves if we stood in the way of progress. Take our land, please. We want nothing in return, no money. Knowing that we supported Onion Social is worth more than anything you could give us.” At press time, a Santa Clara referendum to level the entire city had passed with 99.7 percent of the vote.
Onion Social Inspires Wave Of Democratic Revolutions Around World #~# Owing to its innovative organizing and messaging abilities, flourishing social network Onion Social has inspired a wave of successful democratic uprisings in Sudan, North Korea, Syria, and dozens of other oppressed nations. What do you think?
Netflix Defends ‘Queer Eye’ Episode Where The Fab Five Forced To Euthanize Completely Hopeless Slob #~# LOS GATOS, CA—Insisting that the controversial episode served as a stirring reminder of the importance of self-improvement, Netflix representative Tina Komal spoke in defense of a recent episode of ‘Queer Eye’ wherein the the Fab Five were forced to euthanize a contestant who was a completely hopeless slob. “We certainly wish that this contestant had been capable of enacting the simple tips suggested by our team of lifestyle experts, but unfortunately, euthanization was ultimately deemed the only practical option for improving his life,” said Komal in a stirring defense of the episode where, after futilely encouraging the unemployed Tim Yonkers to try on a variety of tailored button-up shirts and walking him through a fresh mango salsa recipe to shake up his carb-heavy diet, the Fab Five solemnly led Yonkers out to his re-landscaped backyard to be mercy-killed with a single gunshot to the head by grooming guru Jonathan Van Ness. “Though the episode may be upsetting to some of our viewers, we must also remember the countless viewers who have been deeply touched by Yonkers’ story and the team’s tireless efforts to help him—which happened to include a little tough love.” Komal went on to add that, at the conclusion of the episode, Yonkers’s friends and family had been delighted by the changes he’d undergone.
Lionel Messi Pissed After Forgetting To Wear Fitbit During Last Game  #~# MOSCOW—Lamenting that his fitness goals would now be thrown off for the rest of the World Cup, Argentinian forward Lionel Messi was reportedly pissed off Saturday after forgetting to wear his Fitbit watch during a group stage match against Iceland. “Shit. Of course the one time I leave it in the locker room, I go out there and run, like, 10,000 steps,” said the five-time Ballon d’Or winner, adding that failing to log his activity stung even harder because he was merely 800 steps away from earning Fitbit’s “Ruby Slippers” badge, which he’d been attempting to earn throughout Argentina’s warm-up matches. “Ugh, now I’m going to have this weird dip in my activity, and my World Cup weight goal is totally going to be messed up. And I just know Sergio [Agüero] is going to rub it in my face—he was running like a mad man out there; there’s no way he didn’t beat my step record.” At press time, team sources confirmed Messi had since placed his Fitbit back on his wrist and was doing laps around Spartak Stadium to rack up extra miles. 
Onion Social Becomes World’s Most Popular Social Media Site #~# Within hours of its launch, the newly unveiled website Onion Social skyrocketed into being the world’s most popular social media site, eclipsing potential rivals with over 8.3 billion unique users. What do you think?
Jeff Sessions Argues Family Separations Only Happening Because Current Law Doesn’t Allow Him To Strangle Immigrants With Bare Hands #~# WASHINGTON—In response to criticism of the Justice Department’s “zero tolerance” policy stripping migrant children away from their parents and placing them in detention centers, Attorney General Jeff Sessions argued Monday that family separations are only happening because current law doesn’t allow him to strangle immigrants with his bare hands. “Simply put, I am forced to tear kids away from their parents, because I am legally prohibited from throttling immigrants until their bodies go limp,” said Sessions, asserting that the practice of locking children away in cages and deporting their parents before they can be reunited would be reversed as soon as the law was updated to permit the attorney general to press his thumbs deep into migrants’ windpipes as he watches the life fade from their eyes. “Look, I want to see these poor immigrants dead as much as the next guy, but it’s simply out of my control. I agree that it’s a huge tragedy that I cannot snuff the life out of these migrants together as entire families, but I have a moral duty to follow the law as written.” At press time, Sessions called on Democrats to stop their obstructionist tactics and pass legislation granting him the ability to pin down each individual in the immigrant families and suffocate them one by one.
Laura Bush Publishes Courageous Op-Ed Calling For Imprisonment Of Whoever Created ICE #~# WASHINGTON—Standing up to the government agency in a blistering essay published in the Washington Post, former First Lady Laura Bush wrote a courageous op-ed Monday calling for the imprisonment of whoever created ICE. “Separating children from their parents is an unconscionable moral tragedy, and everyone involved should be held accountable, specifically whatever monster is responsible for bringing this criminal agency into existence,” wrote Bush in the op-ed, adding that there was nothing in ICE’s 15-year history to suggest that separating families and imprisoning children in cages was in any way a deviation from the agency’s intended purpose, and any official who says otherwise is either a liar or an idiot. “Whoever is responsible for this atrocity should be tried in the Hague and punished to the fullest extent of international law. Look, ICE was obviously intended to be a punitive, discriminatory organization—it’s under the jurisdiction of the Department of Homeland Security, for fuck’s sake. It’s a stain on America’s record. I ask you to join me in calling for whoever established this agency to be thrown into prison to rot. Fuck them.” Bush’s op-ed comes on the heels of fellow former First Lady Michelle Obama’s recent piece in the New York Times demanding full prosecution of whatever morally bankrupt political official permitted ICE to continue growing increasingly unaccountable and sadistic throughout the early 2010s.
Priscilla Chan Leaves Mark Zuckerberg For Onion Social CEO #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Claiming that she needed a real man who could actually love and fulfill her, Priscilla Chan announced Monday that she was leaving husband Mark Zuckerberg for Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum. “I finally woke up to the lie I’ve been living—Mark just isn’t enough for me. He can’t satisfy me intellectually or physically, and the second I saw Onion Social, I knew I had to be with whoever created that ingenious, pioneering site,” said Chan, who admitted that she was looking forward to moving on and starting a new life with someone who really understands the power and potential of social media. “I need to do what’s best for me and my family. After visiting Onion Social, I quickly realized that Jeremy is a true visionary in a way Mark only wishes he could be. He has conviction, he’s strong and principled, and he’s the kind of man I want raising my children.” At press time, Chan announced that she was already pregnant with Rosenbaum’s child.
Onion Social CEO: ‘We’re Proud To Announce The First Genital Recognition Software’ #~# UPDATE: Onion Social announced today that the site was recently victim to a massive security breach, compromising millions of users’ genitals. While the issue is being addressed, representatives urge all users to immediately change their genitals, suggesting that they add symbols or change the degree of engorgement.
I Am Leaving The Bloated Corpse Of Journalism Behind For This So-Called ‘Sociable-Media’ And Its Mountains Of Gold #~# As any half-aware simpleton will doubt-less tell you, the Fall of News has at long last come upon us. Indeed, for once, the cretins have the right of it; my bronze ear-horn, which once resonated day and night with the metallic shriek of The Onion’s implacable and limb-shearing steam presses, now strains to discern even the moist plop of editors jumping to their long-overdue deaths from what offices remain in our brooding gray tower. At first, I thought perhaps I had finally drowned the Public under the sheer weight of thundering, noisome twaddle with which I have traditionally filled my news-paper, but no—indeed, as I shall explain, their insatiable hunger for thundering, noisome twaddle has but doubled and redoubled in recent years. Soon, old Billy Hearst shall certainly pop his clogs upon learning how I have beaten him to the punch. He is free to kiss my ulcerated corns! For I now declare that the somewhat profitable but unwieldy sales vehicle which we call Journalism is all but dead, and I have replaced it with an ingenious new scheme known as the Social-Media!
David Lynch To Release Hybrid Memoir–Biography Next Week #~# Next week, iconic artist and director David Lynch and co-author Kristine McKenna will release Room To Dream, a unique, 592-page memoir that combines hundreds of interviews with accounts from Lynch himself, often directly contradicting those interviews. What do you think?
Coworker Following World Cup Goes All-In On Tenuous Family Connection To Portugal #~# WILKES-BARRE, PA—Confused by his sudden, passionate rooting interest in the Mediterranean country, coworkers of area consultant Adam Shetaro told reporters Friday he was going all-in on a tenuous familial connection to Portugal for the 2018 World Cup. “I’ve worked with Adam for almost four years now, and he’s never mentioned anything about any Portuguese heritage, but ever since the World Cup started, suddenly he’s showing up to work talking about Ronaldo and decorating his cubicle with red-and-green flags,” said coworker Jason Sammak, adding that Shetaro spent his entire lunch break incessantly clapping and shouting while watching Portugal’s first-round game against Spain on the break room’s television. “I don’t know where this came from—he said something about some uncle that might have been married to a Portuguese woman, but it’s a really thin connection. And he’s really gone for it, singing some Portuguese chant when they score and defending their aggressive attack style. He even brought in these cookies he claimed were Portuguese for the game. Honestly, I’d never even heard him mention liking soccer before.” At press time, Shetaro was talking about how much he wants to travel to Portugal and see Sevilla.
Brooks Brothers Unveils New Line Of Monogramed Cum Rags #~# NEW YORK—Touting the new offering as the perfect gift for Father’s Day or any occasion to celebrate the fashionable man in your life, Brooks Brothers unveiled Friday a new line of monogramed cum rags. “Our high-quality, durable, and stylish cum rags are the only accessory you need to elevate a simple menswear ensemble to something truly special,” said Brooks Brothers spokesperson Randall Juarez, adding that the chafe-resistant cum rags are designed to complement any outfit and are available in a variety of colors and fabrics, including silk, linen, seersucker, chambray, and ultra-absorbent terry cloth. “At Brooks Brothers, we’re committed to creating products that make our customers look and feel amazing, no matter the function, from black tie events to less formal ejaculation occasions. If you’re worried about finding the right cum rag, you can always try out the sample in the store.” At press time, Juarez teased the upcoming release of a new line of big-and-tall cum rags for gentlemen with oversized loads.
Sessions Defends Separating Immigrant Families By Citing Senate Confirmation Vote #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that the administration’s policy was rooted in a clear moral authority, Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly defended separating immigrant families Friday by citing his senate confirmation vote. “I would remind anyone concerned about the ethics of removing asylum-seekers from their children that I sailed through my confirmation hearing with a vote of 52-47,” said Sessions, quoting at length from a transcript of his testimony in which his history of racially charged remarks and actions were discussed in detail. “We’re not just talking about immigration hardliners here, either—Dean Heller, John McCain, Susan Collins, and even Joe Manchin all gave me their endorsement. These senators were certainly aware of what actions I was likely to take as Attorney General, so why would they have decided to confirm me if these policies were unjust? The relative smoothness of my hearing proves that we are on the correct and righteous course.” Sessions also cited the continued lack of impeachment proceedings against him as a sound justification for eventually rolling back the rights of legal immigrants who have lived in the country for decades. 
MIT Researchers Create ‘Psychopath’ AI By Feeding It Reddit Data #~# Researchers at MIT have created a “psychopath” AI named Norman by training it using data from Reddit, saying that it produced highly disturbing and violent responses to standard prompts such as image captioning. What do you think?
‘We Must Protect The Pure Aryan Bloodline,’ Says Child After 9 Minutes Of Unsupervised Facebook Access #~# PEABODY, MA—Having discovered the social media website open on his father’s unattended laptop, local 6-year-old Oliver Sherman stated “We must protect the pure Aryan bloodline” Friday after nine minutes of Facebook access without supervision. “There’s a white genocide going on in this country, and no one wants you to know about it,” the kindergartener reportedly announced to his parents unprompted after clicking through a grand total of five links on an open Facebook browser tab before going on to convey his newly formed belief that a tide of Mexican rapists and inferior races was flooding into the country to subvert the proud lineage of the Caucuses through miscegenation and deceit. “I’m not saying Hitler got it all right, but I know what I know, goddammit, and if we keep falling for the false-flag operations of the international Jewry like September 11, the proud white race as we know it is doomed.” At press time, Sherman had donned a makeshift Grand Dragon’s hood crafted from his Paw Patrol bed sheet and was heading toward the front door after watching a Facebook Live video for seven additional seconds.
Impatient Raytheon Declares War On North Korea #~# WALTHAM, MA—Saying that if the U.S. government would not act it was time to take matters into their own hands, defense contractor Raytheon declared war on North Korea, sources confirmed Friday. “Look, the American government has made it abundantly clear with their massive payments and subsidies to the private defense sector that they want to scale up military action on the Korean peninsula, but if they’re going to putter around with peace summits, then it’s clearly up to Raytheon to lead the charge,” said Raytheon CEO Thomas Kennedy as platoons of Raytheon employees boarded company aircraft armed with its AGM-65 Maverick and High Speed Anti-Radiation missiles, noting that fleets of Raytheon ships carrying private security forces were already speeding across the Pacific toward the North Korean theater. “For too long, we have put off what would be an excellent use of our armaments. We can only stockpile weapons for so much time before we have to use them, and frankly, we’re tired of the empty promises from multiple presidential administrations that we’re going to get to unleash our full arsenal on North Korea. If the government can’t even declare a simple war, it’s clearly time for the private sector to step in. Let’s get this show on the goddamn road.” At press time, Raytheon allies Booz Allen Hamilton, Halliburton, and the United Kingdom had announced that they would be sending weapons and ground troops to support Raytheon’s invasion of North Korea.
$30 Million Donation From Chan-Zuckerberg Charity To Help Kids Learn To Read Returned #~# MENLO PARK, CA—A $30 million donation from a charity run by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan, intended to help kids learn to read, has been returned following a resounding “fuck you” from the nation’s illiterate children, sources confirmed Friday. “Take this blood money and shove it up your ass, you depraved sack of shit,” said 8-year-old Emmy Bowman, echoing the sentiments of millions of children across the country who confirmed they would rather never learn to read and write than take cash from someone as morally bankrupt as Mark Zuckerberg. “We’re not going to debase ourselves by accepting handouts from some sociopath tech bro. Do you think throwing a few million dollars at underprivileged kids absolves you of all the terrible shit you’ve done? Get real.” At press time, an angry mob of kindergarteners had reportedly descended on Facebook’s headquarters holding angry, wordless protest signs.
Ethicists Worry Emergence Of Designer Babies Might Make Them Look Really Ugly In Comparison  #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Cautioning the public about one of the major potential drawbacks of genetically modifying embryos, ethicists at Harvard Medical School were reportedly worried Friday that the emergence of designer babies could make them look really ugly in comparison. “While gene editing has shown promise as a means of combating various diseases and birth defects, we must be attuned to the great risk that babies born with artificially selected traits could make us look like a bunch of gross uggos,” said ethicist Hank Kobak, warning of the worrisome moral dilemma that might occur when there’s no way researchers can compete with the symmetrical faces and silky hair automatically bestowed to these babies thanks to germline genetic modification. “Going down this treacherous path could lead to a crisis for humanity in which average-looking people find themselves feeling like total ogres. By engaging in this kind of tampering with nature, we could create a nightmarish precedent where people who were previously 7s or 8s will be 3s or 4s.” Kobak added that the most virtuous action would be to invest in medicine that makes old people look great, such as researching cures for baldness or eliminating belly fat.
‘You’re Deleting Your Account? We’ll Be Sad To See You Go,’ Says Facebook Prompt Showing User Photo Of Own Dead Body #~# FARMINGTON, NM—Providing an opportunity to rethink the decision to leave the social media site for good, a Facebook prompt reading “You’re deleting your account? We’ll be sad to see you go” appeared on user Emily Feldman’s computer screen Friday and showed her a photo of her own dead body. “Your family and friends will miss you,” the notification continued as the site displayed an increasingly disturbing slideshow of photos depicting Feldman’s weeping, distraught loved ones surrounding her corpse and watching in agony as her body rots and eventually disappears, just as if she had never existed in the first place. “Your 709 friends will no longer be able to keep in touch with you. Do you still want to continue?” In one final message, Facebook suggested account deactivation as an alternative that would allow Feldman to return to the site and make all this horror and pain go away.
Daddy, I Don’t Want To Live In The World Your Website Has Created #~# Daddy, I’ve been thinking. I know I never talk to you about Facebook. You’ve worked really hard on it, and it means a lot to you, so as your daughter I’ve always tried to keep quiet whenever it comes up. But I just can’t stay silent anymore. It’s time for me to stand up for what’s right.
Mark Zuckerberg Defends Decision To Fly Confederate Flag At Facebook Headquarters #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Claiming that the banner embodied the spirit of the company’s values, Mark Zuckerberg defended his controversial decision Friday to fly a Confederate flag at the Facebook headquarters. “Facebook considers itself an open environment that accepts all perspectives, and white nationalism is an important part of the conversation,” said Zuckerberg, telling reporters that the Confederate battle flag waving majestically above the company’s main campus would give employees and users alike an opportunity to reflect on the brave sacrifices made by the Rebel army during the War of Northern Aggression. “For too long, Southerners have been forced to hide in the shadows, told that they should be ashamed of their heritage. Well, no longer. We at Facebook are proud to commemorate those good old days when men were men and slavery was both legal and profitable. We hope that from here on out, Facebook will be synonymous with the culture and history of Dixie in the minds of our users.” Zuckerberg also confirmed that there were no plans to remove the large marble statues of Robert E. Lee and Nathan Bedford Forrest currently adorning either side of the campus’s main entryway. 
Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump Made $82 Million Last Year In Outside Income #~# While serving in the White House, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner earned at least $82 million in a stake from the Trump International Hotel and other real estate investment. What do you think?
Woman Takes Break From Dating To Focus On Everything About Herself No One Could Ever Love #~# WILMINGTON, DE—Explaining that some time away from relationships was exactly what she needed right now, local woman Jill Witmer, 32, took a break from dating Thursday to focus on everything about herself no one could ever love. “I think stepping away from the dating scene gives me the chance to really concentrate on every single one of my personal, emotional, and physical flaws that make me fundamentally incapable of being loved or appreciated,” said Witmer, explaining that spending time on dating apps and going to bars had only been a distraction from the innumerable details about her personality, hobbies, appearance, food preference, opinions, and education that would always drive potential mates away, no matter how hard she tries, and leave her desperate and pathetically alone for the rest of her life. “Besides, I’ve just been so busy lately endlessly dissecting my grating habits and worthless opinions that there’s no time for a relationship. And, hey, there’s no shame in staying home by myself on a Friday night, popping a bottle of wine, and really fixating on the innate traits that will ensure I die alone.” Witmer added that only after she had fully reflected on her own complete lack of self-worth would she finally be ready to get back out there and truly hate someone else.
President’s Lawyers Move To Discredit Michael Cohen By Pointing Out History Of Committing Crimes For Trump #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that such an obviously corrupt and dishonest individual could not be trusted to provide accurate testimony, the president’s lawyers reportedly moved to discredit Michael Cohen Thursday by pointing out his long history of committing crimes for Donald Trump. “We’re talking about a man who has threatened and slandered multiple women that Trump slept with, so how are we supposed to believe anything he says?” said attorney Rudy Giuliani, telling reporters that Cohen’s decades-long track record of wire fraud, tax evasion, and brokering shady real estate deals at the behest of the Trump Organization suggested he would likely tell investigators anything they wanted to hear in order to save his skin. “This isn’t just someone who made a few mistakes—whether it was laundering Ukrainian money through Trump properties in the early ’90s or violating campaign finance laws to benefit Trump during the 2016 election, Cohen has proven time and again that he is an inveterate liar and scofflaw. And these are only the crimes we know that he carried out for Trump. In the weeks ahead, we expect many more illegal practices to surface, which will only confirm Michael Cohen’s complete lack of morality.” Giuliani added that Cohen’s felonious conduct was evident from his known association with high-profile criminals including Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, George Papadopoulos, Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump, and Donald Trump Jr.
Immigrant Child Still Hoping To Achieve American Dream Of Better Cage #~# CASA PADRE, TX—Remaining optimistic about his prospects in the land of opportunity, 3-year-old Honduran immigrant Luis Pereira still hopes to achieve the American dream of someday living in a bigger, better cage, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’m trying to make the best of my situation, and each day I’m progressing—for instance, I know how each of the guards like their boots polished,” said Pereira, adding that his English was now strong enough that he could understand everything the guards screamed as well as translate for his cellmates. “It will take hard work to move into that fancy 15-by-18-foot cage with my whole family, but if I just keep my head down, I know I’ll be able to earn a place in a much nicer part of the compound.” At press time, Pereira was trying to fall asleep on the cold concrete floor of his enclosure and daydreaming about eventually being able to wash his hands with soap.
Creepy Weirdo Still Stalking You On Facebook #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Looking at all your posts and pictures a long time after he should have stopped, a creepy weirdo was still stalking you on Facebook, sources confirmed Thursday. The total freak reportedly goes through your profile multiple times per day and always wants to know what you’re doing, where you go, and who you’re friends with. Sources also confirmed that no matter how you try to change your privacy settings, you can’t stop the disturbing sleazebag from seeing everything in your feed. The worst part, according to people familiar with the creepy weirdo, is that he actually saves all your pictures, videos, and notes, and then shares them with tons of other people.
Cowardly Michael Cohen Chooses To Betray President, Go To Prison Rather Than Meet Face-To-Face With ‘The Onion’ #~# The Onion holds the virtues of integrity, courage, and accountability above all others, and after more than two centuries of ethical primacy in journalism, America’s Finest News Source has been rewarded with a company culture renowned for its moral rectitude.
Mark Zuckerberg Recalls Coming Up With Idea For Facebook After Seeing Dopamine-Addicted Lab Rat Starve To Death #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Suggesting that the social network may never have existed had the helpless animal not perished before his eyes, Mark Zuckerberg reportedly recalled Thursday how he came up with the idea for Facebook after seeing a dopamine-addicted lab rat starve to death. “I remember watching that frail, malnourished creature lie on its deathbed, actively avoiding food in favor of a shot of stimulants straight to the brain—it was such an epiphany for me,” said Zuckerberg, adding that experiments in which rats refused to eat, drink, or sleep because they would rather expire than stop feeling pleasure inspired him to start Facebook at the age of 18 at Harvard University. “That moment when I saw rodents obsessively pressing a button for dopamine no matter how much researchers tried to wean them off it, I knew we had just hit on something amazing. Looking back, I’m proud to say that drug-addled corpse lying on the bottom of its cage launched the largest social network in the world.” At press time, Zuckerberg admitted that although Facebook had changed significantly since its founding, he was determined to get it back to its original goal of helping users achieve pure, unbridled addiction to the platform.
As A Facebook Employee, I Was Ordered To Bury Thousands Of Stories About Mark Zuckerberg’s Human Zoo #~# For too long, I have kept quiet. For too long, I convinced myself that what we were doing at Facebook—bringing people together and uniting humanity in common purpose—was so important that I dared not jeopardize it by speaking out. But now, I realize I have a duty to talk about what I saw. I was a high-level employee at Facebook for five years, and during that time, I was responsible for burying thousands of news reports about Mark Zuckerberg’s human zoo.
Every Bar Patron Watching World Cup Has Different, Incorrect Definition Of Offside Rule #~# HAWTHORNE, CA—Citing their experiences watching recent World Cups, MLS matches, and various youth soccer games, every patron at O’Brien’s Pub offered a different, incorrect definition of the sport’s notoriously nebulous “offside” ruling. “One guy’s saying that if you pass the ball across two lines, it’s offside, but his buddy is arguing that if you can get it across the center line, it’s not offside unless you then get a scoring chance. Me? I don’t know,” said bartender Casey Walker, struggling to be heard over a customer loudly and erroneously insisting that a player cannot run past a member of the opposing team at any point, even if that player is in possession of the ball. “What we all agreed sounded correct was that if a player on the attacking side enters the offensive zone before the ball, and anyone on that player’s side touches the ball before it leaves the offensive zone, that’s offside. But it turns out that’s hockey.” At press time, all the patrons had suspended arguing over the rule until they could get to the bottom of how extra time is determined.
Facebook Users Ashamed Of Criticizing Company After Seeing Heartwarming ‘Here Together’ Ad Campaign #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing remorse for disparaging an organization with such a noble mission, the nation’s Facebook users admitted they were ashamed of criticizing the social media company after seeing its heartwarming “Here Together” advertising campaign, sources confirmed Thursday. “My God, what were we thinking?” said Lucas Balfo, 32, one of the millions of users who deeply regretted condemning the company for its privacy violations once he watched the minute-long advertisement featuring soft piano music and footage of emotionally stirring Facebook posts such as a mother kissing her child and a soldier returning home from deployment while a voiceover explains how the company will be doing more to keep users safe and feel a “little less alone.” “How could we have been so blind? I slandered them for selling user data to third-party advertisers without permission, but now I see they were just trying to connect us to those we care about. To think that I was so ignorant as to attack them for psychologically manipulating their users when all they wanted to do was make us all feel closer—I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore. All along, I was the true monster.” At press time, the nation’s Facebook users were relieved that their protests didn’t end up having any palpable effect and left the company relatively unscathed.
Next Generation Of Xbox Reportedly Arriving In 2020 #~# Xbox chief Phil Spencer acknowledged this week that Microsoft is “deep into architecturing the next Xbox consoles,” which could arrive as soon as 2020 to deliver on rumors of a fully streaming gaming service and a family of console devices. What do you think?
Mark Zuckerberg Insists Anyone With Same Skewed Values And Unrelenting Thirst For Power Could Have Made Same Mistakes #~# MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to dismiss widespread criticism, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly insisted Thursday that anyone with the same skewed values and tenacious thirst for power could have made the same mistakes he did. “I know I screwed up, and I understand why you’re all upset, but if you were a morally corrupt megalomaniac hell-bent on manipulating society to your twisted whims, you would have done the exact same thing,” said Zuckerberg, suggesting that people should put themselves in the shoes of a self-absorbed asshole with a warped perception of humanity who justified the exploitation of personal connections as a means of amassing unfettered influence and profits to truly comprehend why he made every completely fucked-up decision. “Listen, any cruel and sadistic piece of shit in my position would willingly cheapen the human experience into a series of superficial interactions to further their own tainted legacy.” At press time, Zuckerberg expressed hope that people would take the time to consider his distorted, malicious perspective.
Newly Uncovered Journals Reveal Alexander Graham Bell Invented Telephone As First Step In Consolidating All American Businesses Into Single Monopoly #~# BADDECK, NOVA SCOTIA—Researchers reportedly uncovered new journals Wednesday that revealed Alexander Graham Bell originally invented the telephone as the first step in consolidating all American businesses into a single monopoly. “Apparently overlooked until now, Bell’s papers indicate that from his earliest prototypes, he envisioned the telephone as a groundbreaking device that would ultimately lead to every multinational American telecom company, and indeed, all other businesses, merging into one single conglomerate that controls everything,” said Kendra Lally, spokesperson for the Alexander Graham Bell National Historic Site, showing reporters the inventor’s early designs that traced the evolution of the primitive telephone into a few massive multibillion-dollar tech companies that would form a single ungovernable corporate behemoth by the early 21st century. “It’s remarkable, really, the scope of Bell’s vision that the simple telephone was only the beginning, how he planned to demonstrate the communication device to Americans in the 1870s to drum up interest, create the Bell Telephone Company to distribute his design to the masses, and fight over patents with competitors to ultimately foster a world where the telephone would spur a massive wave of vertical integration permitted by the neoliberal deregulation of the American capitalist economy. The ubiquity of communication devices, the lack of consumer choice, the unchecked flow of private information between commercial and governmental sectors, the surveillance, the unfettered power that the market holds over the American consumer—it’s all there in his notes.” Lally added that the recently uncovered journals also showed that Bell intended the telephone to be merely the prelude to a hostile takeover of the AT&T–Time Warner conglomerate by Cricket Wireless, the final, all-encompassing company in the world.
U.S. Will Suspend Military Drills In South Korea #~# As part of the recent summit with Kim Jong-un, President Trump pledged to halt annual military exercises with South Korean troops, a measure intended to lower tensions in the region and open further dialogue. What do you think?
Kid Who Mowed White House Lawn To Flip On Trump #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the decision represented what was best for himself and for the nation, Frank Giaccio, the 11-year-old boy best known for mowing the White House lawn last September, told reporters Wednesday that he has decided to flip on Trump. “After extensive discussion with my legal representatives, I’ve realized that the right move for me is to cooperate with the special counsel and tell them everything I gleaned about the president while mowing the Rose Garden lawn late last year,” said Giaccio, explaining that as he watered a row of tulips close to an open West Wing window, he overheard the commander in chief reveal potentially incriminating information related to his finances, undisclosed interactions with foreign agents, and his intentions while firing former FBI director James Comey. “The stakes surrounding this case are higher than ever, and it’s time for me to cooperate. Despite my choice, I remain steadfast that neither I nor my lawn-mowing company have done anything wrong.” At press time, sources close to the special counsel stressed that Giaccio had no choice but to cooperate after the FBI raided his house and seized his lawnmower and safety goggles.
Nation Shocked Anyone Would Want To Purchase Media Company #~# WASHINGTON—After a court ruling approved AT&T’s bid to acquire Time Warner for $85 billion, citizens across the nation expressed shock Wednesday, stating that they could not comprehend why anyone would voluntarily choose to purchase a media company. “Jesus, who the hell would want to do that?” said San Jose, CA resident Drew Krasner, echoing the sentiments of approximately 328 million Americans who reportedly just figured people had stopped buying media companies 10 years ago because of how terrible an investment they are. “Sinking all that money into a mass-media conglomerate—I just don’t get it. It would be faster and easier to just light $85 billion on fire and be done with it. The one explanation I can possibly think of is that maybe AT&T wanted to flex its muscles and only made the deal so it could shut the place down.” At press time, sources confirmed every media company in the United States had collapsed and there were none left.
TBS To Revive 1990s Atlanta Braves #~# ATLANTA—Promising that fans would get to see all their old favorites in new and exciting situations, TBS announced plans Wednesday to revive classic 1990s baseball team the Atlanta Braves. “By bringing back the beloved Atlanta Braves of the ’90s, we hope to capture the spirit and fun of the original team but with a modern twist for a 21st-century audience,” said Turner Broadcasting president David Levy, assuring fans that the new iteration of the squad would bring back nearly all of the classic players from the first 10-season, 1,620-game run. “We are thrilled that a new generation will get to enjoy David Justice, Greg Maddux, Fred McGriff, and all the others who will be returning to the diamond on TBS. With so much talent on board, we’re confident the 2018 version of the 1990s Braves will be even better than the original.” Levy added that after gauging fan interest, they opted not to bring back any of the players from the ’90s Braves’ division rival, the New York Mets.
‘Jurassic Park’ Franchise Turns 25 #~# June 11 marked the 25th anniversary since Jurassic Park was released in theaters, spawning a media franchise that includes four films (with at least two more on the way) and a variety of video games and comics. The Onion looks back at some of the milestones from the dinosaur disaster series’s 25 years.
Rapidly Expanding AT&T Merges With Entirety Of Existence #~# ALL OF SPACE AND TIME—Following a U.S. district court ruling that allowed the multinational conglomerate to acquire Time Warner, sources confirmed Wednesday that a rapidly expanding AT&T had proceeded to merge with the entirety of existence. Upon absorbing the totality of things—including Earth, every known astronomical body in the universe, and the very cosmos itself—the Dallas-based telecom company has now reportedly permeated all of intergalactic space, where even single atoms drifting through the ether have become tiny subsidiaries of the boundless corporation. According to sources, who themselves are but extensions of the all-encompassing AT&T–Time Warner singularity, everything that is, was, or ever shall be has now been acquired by the briskly spreading business entity. At press time, an amorphous spokesbeing stated that AT&T had consolidated all matter, energy, and extra-dimensional space under one Delaware-incorporated holding company.
‘Jurassic World 2’ To Feature More Scientifically Accurate Jeff Goldblum #~# LOS ANGELES—Touting the upcoming film as a significant visual leap forward from the previous ones in the series, producers of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom told reporters Wednesday that their production includes a more scientifically accurate Jeff Goldblum. “Thanks to advances in cinematic technology and digital imaging, as well as real-life biological and morphological discoveries made during the years of studying Jeff Goldblum since his appearance in the original Jurassic Park films, the Jeff Goldblum in Fallen Kingdom will be the most authentic-looking representation of Jeff Goldblum to ever appear on a movie screen,” said executive producer Colin Trevorrow, explaining that the filmmakers invited UCLA blumologists to Industrial Light & Magic to ensure that Jeff Goldblum’s features, musculature, coloration, and gait were all realistic down to the last detail. “We’ve always prided ourselves on making movies that look and feel lifelike, and it’s safe to say that Fallen Kingdom filmgoers will be wowed by how real Jeff Goldblum appears in this one. Visual effects have come so far from previous, less natural depictions of Jeff Goldblum, such as in the original Jurassic Park in which Steven Spielberg used two men in a Jeff Goldblum costume. At the same time, exciting finds by experts have enabled us to recreate Jeff Goldblum as he really lived—for example, until recently, we had no idea that he was covered in feathers.” Treverrow also hinted that producers were already planning a Jurassic World sequel featuring a realistic depiction of a genetically modified half-human, half-Jeff Goldblum hybrid.
White House Staff Forced To Tape Together Presidential Records Ripped Apart By Trump #~# In order to comply with the Presidential Records Act, White House staffers have been forced to sort through papers compulsively ripped apart by Trump and taped them back together. What do you think?
CNN Promises To Maintain Complete Lack Of Editorial Integrity Despite AT&T-Time Warner Merger #~# ATLANTA—In response to a U.S. district court judge overturning a Justice Department ruling that had previously blocked an $85 billion merger between telecom giant AT&T and its parent company, Time Warner, CNN reportedly promised Tuesday that the consolidation would have no effect on its ability to maintain a complete lack of editorial integrity. “We want to reassure our viewers that no matter what happens on the business side of things, we are committed to providing the same level of absolutely uninformed and unintelligent commentary that they’ve come to expect from us,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker, adding that he’d been in contact with executives at AT&T and received their assurance that they would not attempt to interfere with CNN’s misguided, histrionic coverage. “Our frequent failure to meet even the most basic of journalistic principles and mission to downplay important facts in favor of shock value and hysterics is what people have come to expect from us, and we won’t let you down. If anything, the merger should provide even more opportunities to secure ethically compromised interviewees and expand our spurious, tone-deaf coverage to new platforms.” Zucker also stated that he was hoping to leverage the multibillion-dollar merger into big raises for CNN’s vapid, inept on-air talent.
Saudi Arabia Announces Escalation Of Human Rights Abuses To Curry More Favor With U.S. #~# RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In an effort to emulate the recent success of North Korea, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia announced Tuesday plans to escalate human rights abuses to curry more favor with the United States. “We really need to take bold steps to double the number of unlawful airstrikes on Yemeni civilians while domestically tripling the amount of arbitrary arrests of peaceful dissidents who criticize our regime if we hope to continue winning over Americans,” said King Salman, who was optimistic that rapidly increasing the rate and severity with which the country tortures activists to coerce confessions would be enough to stay in President Trump’s good graces. “U.S. leaders will obviously be thrilled to learn that Saudi Arabia is absolutely committed to abusing and exploiting our migrant workers, and we are also ramping up efforts to crack down on every religious minority and woman.” At press time, the Saudis were convinced that plans to expand the scope and efficiency of the country’s human trafficking networks would strengthen its relationship with the United States.
Election Experts Warn Maine’s Voting System Leads To Greater Risk Of Getting Finger Pinched By Live Lobster Stuffed Into Ballot Box #~# AUGUSTA, ME—Advising caution as residents go to the state’s gubernatorial and congressional primaries Tuesday, election experts warned that Maine’s new voting system may lead to a greater risk of citizens getting their finger pinched by a live lobster stuffed into the ballot box. “These rules endanger voters by significantly increasing the likelihood of a claw popping out of the slot and latching onto an unsuspecting Mainer,” said Common Cause spokesperson Regina Watson, adding that the state’s volunteer poll workers had been grossly unprepared for the massive uptick in finger lacerations already occurring under the new procedure. “We have predicted rampant median and ulnar nerve damage across all voting precincts, as well as hundreds, if not thousands, of completely severed fingers. If this system isn’t fixed going forward, there’s a real chance these crustaceans will end up in electronic voting machines, where they can smash through the screens and violently squeeze the appendages of Americans simply trying to exercise their constitutional rights.” At press time, Watson reaffirmed the seriousness of the matter, noting that she once caught a 27-pounder off the coast of Stonington that would “snap your hand clean off.” 
E3 2018 Kicks Off #~# The Electronics Gaming Expo, the premier industry convention known as E3, kicks off today with three days of video game announcements. What do you think?
E3 Organizers Cancel Convention After Discovering Immersive Power Of Literature #~# LOS ANGELES—The annual Electronic Entertainment Expo was called off Tuesday after its organizers discovered the immersive power of literature, reportedly realizing that no video game could ever compare to the wonder of opening a work by Leo Tolstoy or Jorge Luis Borges and becoming engrossed in a masterful volume of fiction. “After learning how poorly video games fare alongside the rich explorations of the human condition contained in novels such as Mrs. Dalloway and Moby Dick, we have concluded it is best to cancel E3,” said Electronic Software Association CEO Michael Gallagher, clutching a copy of One Hundred Years Of Solitude as he observed that mere pixels on a screen could ever engage one’s imagination as fully as the majestic sweep of Gabriel García Márquez’s magic realism prose. “The rich imagery in Toni Morrison’s Beloved and other great works reveals complex worlds that no gaming console’s GPU could ever hope to match. As such, there’s no reason to continue on with this farce of a conference. We could be entertained for a thousand lifetimes simply by visiting our local libraries.” At press time, Microsoft, Nintendo, and Sony issued a joint press statement confirming they had canceled all future game development and would instead issue leather-bound editions of the world’s literary classics.
Hideo Kojima Says New Experimental Video Game Will Consist Entirely Of 2-Hour-Long Cutscene #~# LOS ANGELES—Cementing his reputation as an auteurist designer of bleeding-edge video games, Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima took the stage at a press conference during the Electronic Entertainment Expo Tuesday to unveil Death Stranding, a new gaming opus consisting entirely of a two-hour pre-rendered cutscene. “Kojima Productions set out to rethink established boundaries of character and storytelling in games, because defining experiences shared with created characters by the concepts of ‘action’ or ‘role-playing’ or ‘controlling things at all’ seems limiting at this stage of narrative evolution,” said Kojima, adding that he anticipates a seismic shift in the industry as game developers rush to emulate his new approach. “Early-build players have found themselves inexorably drawn in as Death Stranding introduces the plot, establishes characters, reveals narrative tension, and resolves the story over the course of 120 minutes, and it’s only a matter of time before the greater public latches onto this sort of storytelling experience—one that’s bold enough to challenge convention by taking autonomy away from gamers.” Kojima concluded his appearance by announcing the release of a 30-minute demo of Death Stranding, the intense demand for which immediately crashed both Playstation Plus and Xbox Live services.
Myth Vs. Fact: Homelessness #~# Over half a million people in the U.S. experience homelessness on an average night, and the circumstances of homelessness are often misunderstood by elected officials and the general public. The Onion looks at some of the common myths about homelessness.
Body Positivity Advocate Caught In Illicit Tryst With Conventionally Attractive Lover #~# NEW YORK—In recently released photographs that sent shockwaves through the community, sources confirmed Tuesday that local body positivity advocate Heidi Gustason was caught in an illicit tryst with a conventionally attractive lover. “He has beautiful, dark eyes, a strong jaw, and symmetrical features—how could she,” said Angela Fiennes, a member of the body positivity movement who was “disgusted” by the sight of Gustason—an activist who once staunchly worked to dismantle the concept of beauty standards—gallivanting around with a man whose appearance suggests the use of cosmetics to maintain his luscious, full head of hair and whose toned, 6-foot-tall frame is the epitome of the unrealistic standard for which designers make clothes. “I just can’t believe it—she should be with a short, chubby, bald guy if she really meant everything she said about accepting people for who they are and not what they look like. What a hypocrite.” At press time, sources within the community reported that the criticism had died down after it was rumored the mystery man had a weird mole on his neck.
Research Finds More Education Leads To Nearsightedness #~# A study published in The BMJ found that the more years of schooling someone gets, the more likely they will need glasses for nearsightedness. What do you think?
Trump Touts Success Of Singapore Summit After Securing $10 Billion Trade Deal To Sell Nuclear Warheads To North Korea #~# SINGAPORE—Saying the agreement represents a major high point in American international relations, President Trump concluded his summit with Kim Jong-un Monday by securing a $10 billion trade deal to sell both strategic and tactical nuclear warheads directly to North Korea. “There was some negotiating involved in getting [Jong-un] to buy as many nukes as we wanted to sell, but by cutting the price, we came out with a deal that’s profitable for America and therefore good for the world,” said Trump of the pact, which requires the United States to provide the East Asian authoritarian state with 50 thermonuclear fusion weapons over the next five years. “We’re taking this $10 billion and investing it right back into our economy, our arms industry, and especially our great military, because now more than ever we’re going to need them to help train, supply, and reinforce North Korean troops.” At press time, Trump had threatened to pull out of the deal in a series of invective-laced tweets accusing Kim Jong-un of attempting to acquire $10 billion worth of nuclear weapons.
Scientists Develop Blood Test That May Predict Woman’s Due Date #~# Researchers at Stanford University have produced a blood test that can accurately predict a pregnant woman’s due date, plus or minus 14 days, as an alternative to ultrasounds. What do you think?
Justify Wakes Up Next To Decapitated Head Of Prized Jockey After Refusing To Throw Triple Crown #~# ELMONT, NY—Emitting an ear-piercing squeal while surveying the blood-soaked hay in the stable, American thoroughbred racehorse Justify woke up Monday next to the decapitated head of his prized jockey Monday after refusing to throw the Triple Crown. According to sources, the dazed colt, which had won the Belmont Stakes just two days earlier, realized the mafia had made good on their threats after noticing the severed head of Mike Smith, his most beloved jockey, beneath the blanket of hay. Reports confirmed that the racehorse stared into the glassy, lifeless eyes of his rider as the helmeted head rolled out into the open, causing the stallion to whiny and rear up in horror. At press time, Justify busted through his gate and bolted out of the stable, worried that someone was coming to break his hooves.
World Leaders Hope Singapore Summit Will Lead To North Korea Becoming Normal Impoverished Country They Don’t Have To Think About #~# PARIS—Waiting in anticipation of the meeting between U.S. president Donald Trump and North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, dozens of world leaders reportedly expressed hope Monday that the Singapore summit would lead to North Korea becoming a normal impoverished country they don’t have to think about. “I think I speak for all first-world leaders when I state our fervent wish that Kim Jong-un pledges to denuclearize so we don’t have to give a shit about North Korea or its people ever again,” said French president Emmanuel Macron, adding that the leaders looked forward to the day when North Korea would just be some unthreatening, easily ignorable country with lots of suffering on the level of Eritrea, Cambodia, or the Ivory Coast. “For far too long, North Korea has been able to remain in the spotlight among world nations because its nuclear program poses a potential danger, and it is long past time for it to become one of the many also-ran nations with rampant poverty and widespread human rights abuses that we don’t need to mention much, like, say, Laos or Guinea Bissau. If Trump is able to get Kim to agree to denuclearize, it will be a truly monumental step in our efforts to avoid having to ever consider what life is like in poor nations.” Macron added if the Singapore summit failed to advance peace talks with North Korea, they were optimistic that the resulting nuclear war could vastly reduce the number of impoverished countries altogether.
Dalai Lama Swears He Recognizes Guy At Party From Past Life #~# MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Racking his brain to recall the identity of the familiar face milling around the gathering, the Dalai Lama swore Monday that he recognized a guy at a neighborhood party from a past life. “Man, I’m almost positive I’ve seen that person before, but this was years ago—like, eight or nine lives, at least,” said Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama and spiritual leader of the Tibetan people, noting the mystery guest must have been someone who was doing well karmically since he currently inhabits the body of a human. “If I’m remembering right, he was a songbird back in those days. But then again, he might have been this diplomat I talked to from the Ming dynasty. What was his name again? Bo? Chuang? God, neither of those feel right.” At press time, the Dalai Lama was discreetly asking the host’s cat whether she knew what the guy by the tortilla chips was up to during the 15th century.
Couple Fucking At Next Table Obviously On Third Date #~# SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Unable to help themselves from eavesdropping on the interaction going on in the romantic corner behind them, diners at the Boca Bistro told reporters Monday that the couple fucking at the next table was obviously on their third date. “From the number of excuse-me’s and little exclamations of surprise, you can tell they clearly don’t know each other all that well yet, but it’s pretty obvious this isn’t their first date,” said restaurant patron Alan Geiger, adding that it seemed the fornicating pair was becoming comfortable enough to actually enjoy themselves without worrying so much about impressing the other. “They’re having a good time despite being at least a little nervous. Of course, they’re stammering and fumbling around a bit, sure, and you can tell they’re both worried about their hair, but there’s no denying that the two of them have chemistry.” Sources close to the couple confirmed they had a really nice time and are making plans to do it again sometime.
Beyoncé And Jay-Z Launch ‘On The Run II’ Tour #~# Beyoncé and Jay-Z have kicked off their continuation of the “On The Run” tour with massive set pieces and a wide selection from their iconic catalogues in a performance at Cardiff, Wales. What do you think?
Justify, Bravazo Get Into Skirmish During Belmont Stakes Weigh-In #~# ELMONT, NY—After weeks of trading insults and mounting animosity between the 3-year-old colts, the weigh-in for the Belmont Stakes erupted into an all-out brawl Saturday as Justify and Bravazo exchanged blows on the stage. “As soon as they hit the scales, the horses were in each others’ faces snorting, stomping, and bumping their chests, and before we knew it, the hooves were flying,” said Bravazo’s owner Brad Kelley, who ran in with several trainers and security guards to break up the fight as the horses wildly bucked and reared, knocking multiple people off stage. “There’s been bad blood between these two since the Derby when Bravazo spit in Justify’s muzzle and all hell just broke loose. It took 20 men hold them back, but not before a wild hind-leg kick from Bravazo caught a trainer in the chest and broke his sternum.” At press time, many fans criticized the weigh-in skirmishes as increasingly damaging to the reputation of horse racing, especially after the 2016 Preakness melee where four colts broke their legs and had to be shot on stage.
Assistant Always Follows Warner Bros. CEO With Suitcase Containing Codes To Authorize ‘Collateral Beauty 2’ #~# LOS ANGELES—Ensuring that the project could be deployed at a moment’s notice at all times, an assistant always follows around Warner Bros. CEO Kevin Tsujihara with a suitcase containing the codes to authorize Collateral Beauty 2, sources confirmed Friday. “Whenever Mr. Tsujihara is traveling outside of the office, I follow him, carrying this briefcase to which only I know the code so that we can launch the sequel to Collateral Beauty at any time,” explained the assistant, who remained anonymous for security reasons, noting that he was under orders to listen for the CEO to speak the phrase “We’re going to greenlight this” to unlock the briefcase, which contained the script for the sequel to the 2016 David Frankel film as well as instructions to commence production. “Time is always of the essence, so we always have to be ready to put Collateral Beauty 2 into action. If we hear that Columbia Pictures or 20th Century Fox is threatening to release anything remotely similar to this film, we have to be ready to strike back.” At press time, the assistant confirmed that the studio had begun the countdown to initiate production in 10 minutes.
Curiosity Rover Finds 5 Bucks On Mars #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Stunned by both the sheer good fortune of their discovery and its implications for future exploration, scientists at NASA confirmed Friday that the Curiosity Rover had found five bucks in the red dust of Mars’ Gale Crater. “This is unbelievable—five whole American dollars!” said program director Jim Watzin, noting that the presence of a small bill suggests that future manned expeditions may one day be able to receive change back from cash transactions on Mars. “When the first lo-res images came back, we thought we’d found a 50—which would have been crazy, that’s too much to expect—but this is still amazing. None of the quarters we’ve found before, and certainly not the Canadian pennies, suggested the presence of any kind of decent life on Mars, but now that we’ve found a piece of currency we thought was actually worth the effort of picking up, we’re starting to think otherwise.” Watzin speculated that the fiver may eventually be regarded as the greatest extraterrestrial discovery since Apollo 15 found a small chest of Roman coins on the Moon.
Pilot Informs Passengers They Will Be Rerouting To Avoid Scary Cloud That Looks Like Shark #~# TEMPE, AZ—Advising passengers on Flight 523 to Chicago to sit tight while the aircraft was rerouted, United Airlines pilot Thomas Langard informed his passengers Friday that they would be altering course to avoid a scary cloud that looked just like a big shark. “This is your captain speaking; it’s my duty to inform you that we will be departing slightly from our charted route in order to avoid a terrifying cumulonimbus cloud that resembles a really big great white shark,” said Langard over the intercom, apologizing for the 20-30 minutes the detour would add to their flight time but emphasizing that there was no other way to avoid the giant sky shark. “Ladies and gentlemen, I am scared—although meteorology out of Phoenix Tower tells me it’s just a cloud, my professional experience tells me it looks exactly like a big, angry shark with sharp teeth, so on behalf of your flight crew I’m going to go ahead and veer eastward so we can keep our distance. People on the left side of the aircraft may want to lower their window shades to avoid getting spooked by the cloud shark or even looking it in the eyes and getting it angry, and we’ll be sending our flight attendants to distribute blankets in case you want something to hide under.” Federal air traffic control later reported that Langard returned the plane to its original course after prevailing high-altitude winds transformed the cloud into a playful and friendly dolphin.
Sheryl Sandberg’s MIT Commencement Address Clearly References Personal Data Of Individual Graduating Students #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Emphasizing the graduates’ enthusiasm for life, eagerness to contribute to society, and 22 percent higher than average engagement rate with online data aggregation sites, Facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg delivered a commencement speech at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology Friday explicitly referencing graduates’ personal information. “The class of 2018 is a resilient lot, exemplified by graduates like Jordan, who maintained a 3.9 GPA despite losing his grandmother to kidney failure soon after Jamie cheated on him over homecoming weekend, irreparably damaging their three-year relationship,” said the best-selling author of Lean In, who also praised the “boundless curiosity” of urban studies major Cynthia Vargas, who travelled to 12 countries, managed 6.7 travel-related posts per day, and correctly answered “16 Questions Every Sound Of Music Fan Should Know” while enrolled full-time at MIT. “When I look over this crowd, I see not only the future leaders of American thought, but of American industry; roughly 76 percent of you have expressed interests in renewable energy sources. I can’t wait to see the innovations you’ll bring to this field.” Sources confirmed that Sandberg called out several honors students by name at the conclusion of her address, advising them not to pressure themselves to lose their virginities.
Genealogists Find 99% Of People Not Related To Anyone Cool #~# AUSTIN, TX—In a breakthrough finding that could reshape the understanding of human ancestry, genealogists from the Federation of Genealogical Societies published a study Friday revealing that 99 percent of people are not related to anyone cool. “According to data compiled from hundreds of research institutions worldwide, only about 1 percent of humans ever to live have been related to anyone remotely fun or interesting,” a report published in the journal FORUM read in part, adding that advancements in DNA testing enabled genealogists to gain the most comprehensive picture of how few people are in any way related to an actually cool person. “Our results were consistent across ethnic groups and time periods and confirm that population increases, mass migrations, and industrialization had virtually no effect on the percentage of people worldwide who weren’t complete dweebs or total losers. While we’re certainly pleased that more people today are interested in their personal genealogy, they should be forewarned that their own family tree is almost certainly composed exclusively of dipshits, fuckups, and other lame asses, stretching back to the dawn of man.” The report also found that of the people who actually were related to someone cool, over 60 percent directly descended from a totally badass Neanderthal who once killed a mastodon with a flaming spear.
Report Finds Cancer Deaths Down Overall #~# A joint CDC-ACS report released this week found that total deaths from cancer dropped significantly between 1999 and 2015, falling by 1.5 percent among women and 2 percent among men due to better treatment and screening. What do you think? 
Cavs Hoping To Avoid Game 4 #~# CLEVELAND—Frustrated after a string of demoralizing losses to their perennial championship rivals the Golden State Warriors, Cleveland Cavaliers players said in a press conference Thursday that they were hoping to avoid Game 4 of the NBA Finals. “We have to do a much better job of protecting our home court, so we can’t let the Warriors just waltz in here and start playing basketball with us again,” said LeBron James, adding that his team wouldn’t repeat their mistakes from Game 3 in which they decided to show up for the game at Quicken Loans Arena. “You can’t let Steph and K.D. drop 40 points and expect to win. We have to make adjustments to our game to keep them from getting so many open looks, and I think that starts with adjusting our calendar. This is bigger than us—we owe it to the city of Cleveland to dig deep and find a way to stop this competition from ever taking place.” In an effort to promote the new strategy, James took to social media to post a picture of himself and several teammates sitting poolside at his Los Angeles estate.
Trump Mulling Possible Pardon Of Martha Stewart #~# President Trump suggested he may commute the sentence of businesswoman Martha Stewart, who was charged with crimes related to insider trading, telling reporters she was “to a certain extent [...] harshly and unfairly treated.” What do you think?
Giuliani Says Kim Jong-Un Begged Like A Has-Been-Politician-Turned-Hack-Attorney Trying To Get A Job At The White House #~# NEW YORK—Describing the pathetic manner in which the North Korean dictator debased himself while pleading for a meeting with President Trump, Rudy Giuliani claimed Thursday that Kim Jong-un begged like a has-been-politician-turned-hack-attorney trying to get a job at the White House. “He groveled like a washed-up former mayor who hasn’t been relevant since the early 2000s, begging on his knees for a mid-level position in the Justice Department,” said Giuliani, adding that the pathetic doofus demonstrated a level of self-respect on par with a failed presidential candidate who built his entire career on being in the right place at the right time, babbling incoherently about the relationship between a reality TV star and a pornographic actress. “I kid you not, this guy was prepared to bow down and kiss Trump’s boots like some cigar-chomping numbskull who actually thought he had a chance at being Attorney General. I mean, the look on his face—it was like a guy who just found out he married his second cousin or got 9 percent of the vote in a Republican primary—just a total, irredeemable jackass.” At press time, Giuliani was forced to walk back his comments by Trump’s actual lawyer, Emmet Flood.
Himalayan Goat Dies Following Failed Everest Climb #~# KATHMANDU, NEPAL—Confirming the worst fears of friends and family, authorities announced Thursday that a Himalayan goat that went missing 10 days ago on the treacherous southwest face of Mount Everest has died following a failed ascent. “At approximately 8:30 a.m. this morning, a group of Canadian climbers discovered the body of a 7-year-old male Himalayan tahr; we can now confirm that it is indeed Ngodap Goat,” said Everest Search and Rescue team leader Ross Barnwell, noting that unseasonably cold temperatures, coupled with the goat’s refusal to carry supplemental oxygen, may have contributed to a tragic outcome that authorities are attributing to caprine error. “We can take some solace in knowing that the young buck died doing what he loved. Other members of the herd attest that he had a consuming passion for scampering through the foothills, climbing sheer rock faces, and maintaining a diet of mostly grass since he was just a kid. It’s a damn shame it had to end this way.” At press time, Everest Search and Rescue disclosed that two Sherpas hired to guide the goat are presumed dead as well.
New Final Draft Update Includes Stock Female Characters To Help Fill Out Scripts #~# BURBANK, CA—Promising that the new feature will eliminate untold hours in editorial busywork, screenwriting software Final Draft released an update Thursday that includes stock female characters to help fill out scripts. “From aspiring writers to Hollywood pros, we’ve made it easier than ever to pad out your movie with a few token female characters,” said Final Draft CEO Marc Madnick, noting that the streamlined interface allowed users to select from a convenient dropdown menu containing common female archetypes such as “Girlfriend,” “Femme Fatale,” “Cute Coffee Shop Worker,” “Bitchy Boss,” and three variations on “Mom.” “Our software will even recognize when you type a female character’s name, like ‘Rosa’ or ‘Amber,’ and ask you to clarify whether they’re a love interest who dies to drive forward the narrative arc of the male protagonist or a stripper just providing some eye-candy in the background. Then it will auto-generate some dialogue—mostly about the movie’s cast of men—and you’re ready to get to work on the part of the script that really matters.” At press time, Michael Bay had released a user testimonial praising the feature and saying that he couldn’t imagine writing another script without it.
Timeline Of The Democratic Party #~# Founded in 1828, the Democratic Party has been one of America’s two major political parties for most of the nation’s existence. The Onion presents a timeline of the party that currently holds a minority of offices at both the federal and state levels.
Miss America Scrapping Swimsuit Portion Of Competition #~# In a statement from its new all-female leadership, the Miss America competition announced that it will remove the swimsuit portion and no longer judge participants on their outward appearance. What do you think?
GE Releases New Flickering Light Bulb For Abandoned Sanatoriums #~# BOSTON—Responding to the needs of thousands of long-deserted psychiatric facilities, condemned terminal-disease hospitals, and abandoned pre-war orphanages across the nation, General Electric has released a new line of flickering light bulbs for abandoned sanatoriums. “Installed thoughtfully at the sudden dead-end of a decaying corridor or swinging spasmodically over a cobweb-cloaked electric chair, our new Asylum™ bulbs will partially illuminate your decrepit medical facility with 10 times the eerie irregularity of ordinary incandescents,” a GE press release said of the line, which will be offered in Hypoxia Blue, Tubercular Yellow, and Revealing White, all of which will gutter, spark, and emit an almost painfully bright glare for one paralyzing moment before plunging customers into total darkness. “From the peeling-plaster dim of the solitary confinement annex to the half-glimpsed scuttling inpatient chambers, Asylum™ bulbs cast the perfect erratic light for any room in which a moldering wheelchair faces the corner and inexplicably rocks back and forth.” General Electric has confirmed that the bulbs will only be offered in 10 watts, ensuring that occupants of any given shadowy room will remain uncertain as to exactly where that breathing is coming from.
Mueller Accuses Manafort Of Witnessing Tampering #~# The special counsel’s office accused Paul Manafort, former campaign chairman for Donald Trump, of sending encrypted messages to witnesses in an attempt to secure “materially false” statements. What do you think?
Graduation Ceremony A Real Broken Fucking Record About Student Who Died In Car Accident #~# APPLETON, WI—Noting that the message had been received loud and fucking clear already, attendees of Appleton West High School’s graduation ceremony Saturday reported the whole thing had turned into one big, broken record concerning their late classmate Chelsea Heckel’s sudden death in a car accident. “When the dean opened with a speech dedicating the ceremony to Chelsea, it was a nice little touch, but 10 minutes later, Principal Garrison launched into a lecture about the unifying power of tragedy. Come on, you don’t need to repeat it a million fucking times,” said graduate Jake Cash, who was briefly interrupted by the opening notes of Wiz Khalifa’s “See You Again” as Heckel’s varsity softball teammates introduced a heartfelt slideshow featuring photos of their deceased teammate. “We get it—she was taken from us far too soon but her spirit lives on in each and every one of us and we’ll keep her alive in our hearts, but please, keep this shit moving, okay?” At press time, the class valedictorian had begun her commencement speech by alluding to a recent tragic event that really changed her outlook on life.
Man Insists Facebook Friend Actually Reads ‘Why Palestinians Are Sub-Human’ Article Before Commenting On It #~# DALLAS, TX—Describing his acquaintance’s backlash as intellectually dishonest, local man Gabe Weaver insisted Wednesday that his Facebook friend Matt Nathans reads the article he shared titled “Why Palestinians Are Sub-Human” before commenting on it. “Why don’t you actually examine the author’s carefully laid out arguments about Palestinians being worthless, scum-of-the-Earth feral animals whose deaths shouldn’t be mourned before weighing in?” said Weaver, adding that Nathans simply made a knee-jerk reaction by labeling the piece as “wrong” and deliberately failed to engage with the blogger’s reasons for why Israeli soldiers are justified in killing whichever unarmed protesters, nurses, and civilians of the ethnonational group they see fit. “Don’t just go jumping in with unsupported opinions about how the Palestinian people don’t deserve to be displaced, brutalized, and slaughtered. Read his rationale for why the Palestinian people are bloodthirsty savages who merit the abuse, humiliation, and other civil rights violations they experience at Israeli checkpoints, and then talk to me.” At press time, Weaver was commenting on an opinion piece Nathans posted called “The Palestinian Tragedy” before reading it.
Colleges Send Out Reminder To Graduates That 2008 Degrees About To Expire #~# DURHAM, NC—Urging millions of 32-year-olds to report immediately to the registrar’s office, colleges across the country sent out a reminder Wednesday to every student who graduated in 2008 that their degrees were about to expire. “Any alumnus who wishes to renew their associate’s, bachelor’s, or graduate degree is to return to Alumni Relations by Friday, June 8, or else their degree will cease to be valid,” said Glenda Lee of Duke University, one of thousands of administrators who instructed the entire class of 2008 to arrive on time and prepared with photo ID, their voided diploma, and the $10,000 renewal fee. “Of course, you will then be required to demonstrate continued knowledge by briefly retaking all your final exams, rewriting your senior dissertation, and greeting the university president with a handshake again before accepting an updated diploma.” At press time, millions of post-grads nationwide were handcuffed, arrested, and jailed for operating through the job market with expired degrees.
Scott Pruitt Claims Misappropriated EPA Funds Would Have Only Been Wasted On Dumb Shit Like Clean Water #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to criticism that he has repeatedly spent money intended for agency use on personal items, lavish travel, and other unnecessary expenditures, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt reportedly claimed Wednesday that the funds he has misappropriated would have only been wasted on dumb shit like clean water. “Everyone knows that the EPA would’ve just squandered these funds on stupid-ass stuff like providing potable water to a bunch of fucking kids or whatever if I hadn’t used it first,” said Pruitt, questioning why he should let the EPA fritter away American taxpayers’ hard-earned cash on “useless bullshit” like fuel standards, maintaining air quality, and preventing contamination. “I just don’t understand why people are getting all riled up about me taking personal trips on private jets or trying to get my wife a job at Chick-fil-A—do they seriously want me wasting my time appointing scientists to high-level posts or researching climate change? Ooh, yeah, let’s piss away all our funding trying to uphold dumb crap like physical, chemical, and microbiological parameters, great idea. God, environmentalist people are so fucking lame.” Pruitt added that it was bad enough the agency was throwing away a bunch of cash to clean up Superfund sites that had already been contaminated for free.
Real Estate Agent Warns Syrian Couple About Neighborhood’s High War Crime Rate #~# Al-QARYATAYN, SYRIA—Saying it would be remiss of him to try to lease them an apartment in the area without mentioning the violations of international law that frequently occur nearby, local real estate agent Joram Terzi warned a Syrian couple Wednesday about the neighborhood’s high war crime rate. “You can get some really great deals here, but full disclosure, this area sees a lot of war crimes, especially recently,” said Terzi, explaining how he couldn’t let them move there in good faith without explaining how the town, despite containing an array of interesting shops and restaurants in close proximity, was nestled right in a disputed territory in Eastern Homs where the U.S., Syrian Government, and Islamic State have all bombed civilians and tortured prisoners, sometimes just up the street or even a block or two over. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great location in an up-and-coming district, but I must warn you there was a small genocide around here last month, and you’re right in the path of some chemical weapons. I checked online and saw there were kidnappings a few houses over just last night, for example.” Terzi assured the couple that while disconcerting at first, they would get used to it in no time, just as many of the locals have.
Dunkin’ Donuts Signs 10-Year Partnership To Be Exclusive Food Vendor Of United States #~# CANTON, MA—The United States of America signed Dunkin’ Donuts to a 10-year deal Wednesday naming the doughnut company and coffeehouse as the exclusive food vendor of the U.S. “We’re proud and excited to welcome the United States to the Dunkin’ family by agreeing to be their one and only source of nourishment through 2028,” CEO Nigel Travis said of the $80 trillion contract between Dunkin’ Brands and the U.S. Congress, which guarantees the fast-food coffeehouse chain the sole right to provide foodstuffs to restaurants, grocery stores, school cafeterias, and millions of other provisioning and dining establishments across the country. “Whether it’s sports fans snacking on Big N’ Toasted sandwiches at the ballpark, celebrities ordering our Wake Up Wrap at a three-star Michelin restaurant, or our servicemen and women enjoying a refreshing Dunkaccino while on deployment, we look forward to being the only food option for Americans everywhere.” Nutritionists claim the partnership will relegate the average person to a diet consisting largely of sugar, empty carbohydrates, and elevated amounts of caffeine, thus leading to an approximate 20 percent overall improvement in American dietary intake.
Facebook Less Popular With Teens Than Instagram, Snapchat #~# A new study from the Pew Research Center found that just 51 percent of Americans from 13- to 17-years-old use Facebook, far fewer than the number who use Instagram or Snapchat. What do you think?
Bewildered White House Press Watches Dueling Huckabee Sanderses Each Claim She The Only One Telling Truth #~# WASHINGTON—Completely mystified by the sudden appearance of two press secretaries attempting to undercut each other’s statements to reporters, a bewildered White House press corps sat in shock Tuesday watching dueling Sarah Huckabee Sanderses each claim that the other one was lying and she was the only one telling them the truth. “Jesus Christ, they’re both standing up there trying to wrest control of the podium, and each of them keeps insisting that she’s the real, truthful Sarah Huckabee Sanders and the other one’s a dishonest imposter,” said visibly overwhelmed New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman, adding that White House correspondents were struggling to take notes as each press secretary repeatedly interrupted the other by declaring that everything she uttered was false. “Someone was confronting the press secretary about the truthfulness of her response to a question, and then all of a sudden there were two of her, each shrieking that the other one was trying to mislead the nation and undermine her credibility. People here are really starting to freak out; I saw [CNN reporter] Jim Acosta dash out of the room—it looked like he’d been driven mad. After someone asked about the president’s reaction to the Mueller probe and both of them just pointed to each other and said ‘Do not be tempted by her lies,’ I don’t know what to think.” At press time, the confused White House reporters decided to just print everything said in the room by both Sarah Huckabee Sanderses without clarification or comment.
Rain-Soaked Robert Mueller Lets Manafort Surf One Final Monster Wave Before Bringing Him In #~# VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA—Standing on the beach and stoically observing the tiny diagonal line that Trump’s desperately paddling campaign manager made across the sheer magnificence of the thrashing ocean, rain-soaked Special Counsel Robert Mueller silently endured a torrential downpour Tuesday while allowing Paul Manafort to surf one final monster wave before taking him into custody. “After careful consideration, I’ve determined there’s no way Paul can handle a cage,” said Mueller, ignoring the lashing storm and the open handcuff dangling from his left wrist as he watched the former Trump campaign chairman cut back across the face of an 80-foot, once-in-a-lifetime wave. “Manafort has a death wish. He just wants to ride to glory. Don’t bother looking for him. He’s not coming back.” Sources confirmed that the drenched special counsel watched for a long moment after Manafort’s board disappeared below the churning water and then left the beach by himself, pausing only to toss his badge into the foaming shallows.
76ers Expected To Fire GM Who Created Anonymous Twitter Accounts To Criticize Team #~# The Philadelphia 76ers are expected to fire GM Bryan Colangelo after he created “burner” Twitter accounts to release sensitive information and slander the team’s coaches and players. What do you think?
‘Cooking Together Is So Fun,’ Says Man Correcting Girlfriend’s Every Knife Cut #~# CHICAGO—Stepping back to appreciate the moment during a relaxing “couple’s night in,” local boyfriend Lucas Graham, 31, exclaimed Tuesday to his girlfriend, Sarah, “Cooking together is so fun!” before resuming his practice of meticulously correcting every single one of her knife cuts. “I mean, how nice is this? Just you, me, and some…unevenly julienned carrots, c’mon, Sarah, you really have to square off that carrot first,” said Graham, who filled the romantic evening with such sparkling repartee as “you’re mashing the tomato, not cutting it,” “if that’s how you’re going to slice the garlic, you may as well just use the press,” and “try and use use a medium dice on the onions, like I said before,” often punctuating his interjections by physically guiding his girlfriend’s hands. “I love when it’s just you and me and a nice homemade meal. Oh, you should be using a paring knife for that. Wait, what are you doing? Curl your fingers back, Sarah, you’ll cut yourself and bleed all over the only shallots I could find in this neighborhood.” At press time, Graham was heard reflecting on how the couple should cook together more often while scraping his girlfriend’s work into the trash so that he could start from scratch.
Bill Clinton Still Waiting For Personal Apology From Monica Lewinsky For Using Power As Intern To Exploit Him Sexually #~# CHAPPAQUA, NY—Explaining that she had yet to express regret for her behavior in the 20 years since the illicit affair came to light, former President Bill Clinton was reportedly still waiting Tuesday for a personal apology from Monica Lewinsky for using her power as an intern to exploit him sexually. “All these years later and Monica has not even once said ‘I’m sorry’ for abusing her role as a subordinate and manipulating me as an object of my sexual desire,” said Clinton, adding that he still had not received a single apology for the way Lewinski capitalized on her low-level unpaid position and preyed upon his vulnerability as commander in chief. “As an intern, she crossed a line when she was undermined, coerced, and controlled by underhanded tactics at every turn, and it is unconscionable that she still cannot find it in herself to show any remorse for repeatedly being an easy target for my lust.” At press time, Clinton was still holding out hope that one day Lewinsky would finally take stock of the way she wielded her influence as his 22-year-old intern and do what was right.
Biggest Volcanic Eruptions In History #~# The continued eruption of the Kilauea Volcano in Hawaii has shown the variety of devastating consequences that volcanic eruptions can pose for the environment and human life. The Onion looks back at some of the biggest and most destructive volcanic eruptions in history.
Report: 83% Of Americans Just Want To Put On Sunglasses And Say ‘Let’s Do This’ #~# PHILADELPHIA—The University of Pennsylvania published the results of a report Tuesday revealing that 83 percent of Americans just want to put on a pair of sunglasses and firmly say the phrase, “let’s do this.” “After analyzing the collected data, it appears that an overwhelming majority of the U.S. population has a primal desire to unfold a badass pair of shades, slide them onto their head, and firmly state ‘let’s do this’ to a close acquaintance or partner in crime,” said study co-author Matthew Pritzker, adding that regardless of age or gender, subjects across the country had a consistent, carnal need to flick a pair of reflective aviators from the top of their head onto the bridge of their nose, throw a jacket over their shoulder, and utter, “let’s rock and roll.” “Of course, there are some variations in preferences—for example, some respondents say they would deliver the line ‘let’s do this’ with a slight smile or head-nod and then put on the sunglasses, while others would prefer to already be wearing sunglasses and add a deadpan ‘daddy’s coming’ with a slight nod at the end. Sadly, though, all too few Americans will ever get the chance to do any of this.” The report concluded that fewer than 1 percent of Americans want to don a monocle and exclaim, “Well, my dear fellow, it is time to accomplish the act to which we have committed ourselves, forthwith!”
Ubisoft Confirms It Developing ‘Assassin's Creed’ Set In Ancient Greece #~# French game publisher Ubisoft confirmed Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey, the next installment in its popular stealth action series, will take place in ancient Greece. What do you think?
Bill Clinton Admits That Knowing What He Knows Now He Would Have Still Preyed On Women #~# NEW YORK—Reflecting on his past indiscretions in light of the #MeToo movement, former President Bill Clinton admitted Monday that knowing what he knows now, he would have still preyed on women. “Man, if I had to do it all over again, I’d probably just do the same horrible stuff to all those girls,” said Clinton, adding that deep down, he felt that taking advantage of a 22-year-old intern just seemed like something he would do again if given the chance. “I did the right thing by acting true to my heart, and that’s God’s honest truth. So, no, I don’t regret making so many unwanted romantic advances. In fact, I cherish each and every one of them. What can I say? I truly adore the chase. Bird’s got to fly. Horse’s got to run. Slick Willy’s got to prowl.” At press time, Clinton expressed regret that he never had a son with whom to share his vast expertise on how to successfully dehumanize a woman.
‘Please, Melania, Don’t Leave Us!’ Pleads King Of Wooded Faerie Realm As First Lady Climbs Back Into Tree Hollow #~# DEWDROP FOREST—Beseeching the eldritch demigoddess whom all creatures have come to revere as the Queen of Ash and Linden to remain in the arboreal realm for just one more moonrise to grant the dryads aid and succor in their upcoming battle against the spider warlocks, Faerie King Trysmuir pleaded in vain for Melania Trump to remain among the Fair Folk Monday as she solemnly climbed back into the hollow of the enchanted tree she’d chanced across while exploring the White House grounds nearly a month ago. “Please, Melania, our dear Mistress Meliae, don’t leave us! You belong here—stay, and rule as ensorcelling enchantress of the fae-forest entire!” cried the handsome, winged ruler to the quietly weeping first lady as a throng of forest denizens from sobbing wood-nymphs to heartbroken sylphs to the humblest of sorrowful chipmunks tugged on her cloak of starlight and nipped the ankles of her woven-fern slippers in a futile attempt to prevent her leave-taking. “You’ve dwelt among us for two-and-twenty days, Melania—our mossy bourne has become your true home! How could you ever return to the dull world of discord, clamor and cruelty from whence you came? Please abide, we beg of you!” Elven sources reported that Melania spake not a word, but gazed upon each and all of her newfound friends with brimming eyes, pressed a small purple amulet of remembrance into the hand of the King, and disappeared from the hollow into a shimmering purple cloud, violets and asters blooming where her o’er-welling tears kissed the blessed earth.
ICE Agent Trying To Think Of Fun Name For Jail Cell Before Locking Up Immigrant Child #~# BROWNSVILLE, TX—Racking his brain for something that he could say to stop the child from crying, ICE agent Don Neville was reportedly trying Monday to think of a fun name for a jail cell before locking up a 5-year-old immigrant. “I really thought it would work when I told him he was going to the ‘fun cave,’ but he just started sobbing harder, so I’m running out of ideas,” said Neville, adding that the child had been weeping virtually non-stop since agents separated him from his parents hours earlier and had even rebuffed Neville’s efforts to give him a roll of paper towels to play with. “Jeez, I’m struggling here. How about ‘kid zone’ or ‘the playhouse’? If I can’t think of anything good, I guess I can just tell him that his best buddy the concrete bench is in there, and he can climb onto his pal’s back and pretend that yucky liquid on the floor is hot lava. Maybe he’ll calm down if I say that the jail bars are like a xylophone and he can play a happy tune on them? You know, this would probably be way easier if he knew any English.” At press time, Neville had resolved to simply comfort the immigrant child by informing him that he would soon be joined by hundreds of new friends.
Trump Lawyers Argue President Cannot Obstruct Justice #~# In a memo denying a presidential interview with the Special Counsel, Donald Trump’s lawyers argue that the president cannot obstruct justice because he has constitutional authority over all federal investigations. What do you think?
Rudy Giuliani Lays Out Legal Framework That Would Keep Him On TV For Next Couple Years #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking to Steve Doocy during an interview with Fox & Friends, President Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani laid out the legal framework Monday that would allow him to remain on TV for the next couple years. “The president absolutely has the authority to delay meeting with [Special Counsel Robert] Mueller for several months as I continue to go on talk shows every week defending that decision,” said Giuliani, detailing the procedural steps that would provide a basis for the former New York mayor to appear on a wide swath of current event programs on a variety of networks well into 2020. “This is a complex case, and it could easily take 100-120 more guest bookings before we’ve even scratched the surface of the underlying legal doctrine. Once Mueller finally delivers his findings, it will still take a long time to untangle the relevant federal and state statutes during high-profile conversations with Sean Hannity, Anderson Cooper, and many other prime time hosts, all of which doesn’t even begin to account for the various radio, print, and online interviews that I will be undertaking nonstop during this period.” After facing pushback about his arguments, Giuliani reportedly defended his legal opinion by pointing out that he had specialized in this area for practically his entire career.
Supreme Court Rules Gay Rights Do Not Extend To Dessert #~# WASHINGTON—In a controversial 7-2 decision that has left civil liberties advocates fuming, the U.S. Supreme Court Monday ruled that gay rights do not extend to dessert. “While homosexuals do have the right to get married, the right to equal treatment does not cover instances of pastry, cake, or candy,” said Senior Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy, noting that the law draws a clear line of demarcation between discrimination taking place during a meal’s main course, which is illegal, and bigotry occurring later, over pie or tiramisu, which is protected by the First Amendment rights of the confectioner. “We are choosing to define ‘dessert’ in the broadest possible terms. This means that gay rights will not be applicable in cases of ice cream, sorbet, decorative cookies, or any other post-meal treats, be they sweet or savory. Tiny glasses of port and cheese plates will also fall under the umbrella of ‘dessert’ unless they are consumed before the entrée and defined specifically as ‘apéritifs’ in the appropriate section of the relevant menu.” Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor dissented to the decision, citing irreconcilable time-of-day-related ambiguities in the meal-versus-course classification of the common donut.
Talkative Motherfucker Not So Extroverted Now That Friend Got Off Train #~# CHICAGO—Noting that the gregarious bastard got pretty shy real damn quick once his little playmate disappeared, public transit sources confirmed Monday that a certain talkative motherfucker isn’t so extroverted now that his buddy has gotten off the train. “Well, well, well. Seems Mr. Conversation ain’t such a silver-tongued devil without his usual audience,” said the sources, who couldn’t help but notice that the CTA Blue Line’s resident Jay Gatsby seemed to have stopped holding court at the precise moment that his precious companion took his leave at the Division stop. “What’s the matter, Chatty Cathy? Didn’t you save a bon mot or two for the rest of the train? Just a moment ago, you were living it up while everybody else sat quietly, listening to podcasts. But guess what—now that your buddy left, you’re just like the rest of us. Well? How’s that feel, motherfucker?” Witnesses on the scene confirmed the suddenly timid commuter was observed slinking off the train at the next stop without so much as a wave goodbye.
Legendary Reclusive Author Has Never Published Single Piece Of Writing #~# GARY, IN—Hailing his totally nonexistent body of work as an “act of pure genius,” literary experts at Indiana University on Monday praised legendary author Anthony Krause, a recluse who has never published a single piece of writing. “From his remote cabin in Indiana, the brilliant Mr. Krause has yet to release a single novel, story, or poem to the public,” said Professor of English Nigel Gould of the secluded literary genius, who famously has never given interviews or publicly spoken about any form of literature in his 75-year-long career. “To keep his identity hidden, Krause supposedly spent most of his life working night and day as an insurance salesman. Even to this day, none of his family or friends even know if he has ever written a single thing at all—the man is a true visionary.” At press time, Gould confirmed that no matter how much the public begs, Krause’s family will not posthumously publish any of his work upon his death.
Sex On Mars Will Be Difficult, Study Finds #~# A study in the journal Futures found that the low-gravity environment of Mars, combined with small colony sizes, will likely make conception and pregnancy very difficult and will possibly require the bioengineering of a new kind of human being. What do you think?
Report: Universe To End Next Friday #~# GENEVA—A coalition of scientists at CERN announced this morning that the Universe, the accumulation of matter and energy that makes up everything that is, will end abruptly next Friday. “The totality of existence as we know it, including time, space, all distributed matter throughout our reality, and all 11 vibrational dimensional membranes will cease to exist promptly at 11:08 p.m. GMT on June 15,” CERN officials said in a press release signed by every leading expert in physics, mathematics, astronomy, and all related fields. “At the end of next week, the universe will simultaneously dissolve and collapse upon itself, effectively obliterating all that exists across the entire 93 billion light year diameter of our cosmos and all concurrent nesting realities, so please plan accordingly. Wrap up any loose ends you still consider important, say goodbye to your loved ones, and make peace with the cessation of the very nature of your consciousness.” Top theologists and clergy across the world also confirmed that, should higher planes such as Heaven, Elysium, or Nirvana actually exist, then they, too, will be destroyed.
Washed-Up Former Spelling Bee Champion Sitting In Front Of TV Sadly Mouthing Along With Scripps Contestants #~# DAYTON, OH—Grumbling in quiet disbelief as he watched a 12-year-old struggle through the third syllable of “molluscivorous,” former Scripps Spelling Bee champion Alex Vinay spent Thursday afternoon sitting in front of the TV and mouthing bitterly along with current Scripps contestants. “Come on, seriously? It’s so clearly a Latin root, dipshit,” said Vinay to himself, rolling his eyes and shaking his head at the struggles of eventual runner-up Naysa Modi, 12, of Frisco, TX while mopping up a spilled Miller High Life with a faded Scripps 2012 Official Participant T-shirt that he had long since outgrown. “Back when I was in the Bee, they actually worked to make it a challenge. Now? It’s like the whole Scripps organization’s gone right down the shitter. I mean, look at this kid—you really need ‘lugubrious’ used in a sentence? Twice? You want the judges to come onstage and wipe your ass for you, too? Fucking moron.” At press time, Vinay had reluctantly torn himself away from the competition as his mother called him upstairs for dinner.
Trump Boys Construct Fake Melania For Lonely Father To Spend Time With #~# WASHINGTON—Adding the finishing touches of two earrings made of twisted paper clips and a mop head hastily colored brown with magic marker, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump spent several hours constructing a life-sized fake Melania Trump for their lonely father to spend time with, White House sources confirmed Friday. “There, that’s perfect—Dad’s gonna be so happy to have this new Mommy to be married to until our old Mommy comes back,” said Eric Trump, drawing his best approximation of Melania Trump’s facial features on a paper plate while his brother stapled a floor-length Dior evening gown to a stack of throw pillows roughly the height of the absent first lady. “We spent a whole bunch of time on it, and it definitely shows. I bet Dad won’t even be able to tell the difference.” At press time, the Trump boys were duct-taping a paperback copy of Animorphs #28 to the doll’s inflated rubber glove hands in preparation for story time.
25,000 Neti Pots Recalled After Defect Causes Water To Shoot Out Of Eyes, Ears #~# SANTA ROSA, CA—Urging anyone with flooding orifices to return the product immediately, neti pot manufacturer NasaFlo recalled 25,000 units Friday after a defect caused water to shoot out of customers’ eyes and ears. “If properly placed up against your nasal passage, our products should never, under any circumstances, force saline solution into your skull at such high speeds that it sprays from every hole in your face,” said NeilMed Pharmaceuticals spokesperson Marta Kober, explaining that rinsing was generally “a tad uncomfortable,” but Neti Pots should be returned immediately when water accumulates enough pressure to burst out of anywhere but the nostrils. “In addition, we’d like to apologize to anyone whose urinary tract or rectal cavities were cleared out along with their sinuses. As such, we are more than happy to fully refund 100 percent of Neti Pot users whose every opening was blasted with fluid right down to the pores.” Kober added that devices causing people to lose gallons of blood out of their noses should not be returned, as that was simply a result of sinus irrigation.
Botanic Garden Forced To Euthanize Rose Bush That Pricked Child #~# GLENCOE, IL—Acknowledging that the decision was distressing but ultimately the correct course of action, Chicago Botanic Garden officials confirmed Friday that they were forced to euthanize a rose bush after it pricked a child. “This morning, we made the difficult choice to end the life of our 15-year-old rose bush after it injured one of our guests,” said Botanic Garden spokesperson Bill Werner, who noted that the woody perennial was not considered aggressive, but it had pricked caretakers at least twice in the past. “Although the plant was only protecting itself after a child bypassed a one-foot-tall guard rope and entered the enclosure, we had to take measures to protect the boy from further injury. A groundskeeper humanely sprayed the rose bush with Roundup, and that area of the garden will remain closed while we dig up its roots.” Werner added that the Chicago Botanic Garden would continue its rose breeding operation despite calls to halt the program.
Scientists Are Targeting The Common Cold #~# British researchers have shown that targeting protein N-myristoyltransferase could be effective and safe in eliminating the common cold in human cells, saying they will move onto animal trials next. What do you think?
Cash-Strapped FiveThirtyEight Lays Off Dozens Of Top Algorithms #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that downsizing was an unfortunate necessity in the challenging media landscape, FiveThirtyEight announced Friday that they would be laying off dozens of the site’s top algorithms. “While these data programs have provided readers with countless insights into sports and politics over the past few years, the challenges facing online publishers mean we must part ways with them in order to stay financially viable,” said Editor-in-Chief Nate Silver, who claimed some of the terminated algorithms’ work had been deemed redundant while other jobs like predicting NFL division winners would be folded into the workload of the presidential approval tracker. “FiveThirtyEight would not be the site it is without their thoughtful statistical outputs, but unfortunately, we can’t keep them all. The ELO rating system and generic ballot computations were such an integral part of the team, and hopefully some will be able to continue contributing as freelance algorithms.” At press time, a former FiveThirtyEight algorithm slammed the site on social media, saying it was terribly managed and predicting 1,253,788 layoffs in the near future.
Dentist Can Tell Patient Hasn’t Been Brushing Hair #~# ANKENY, IA—Saying it didn’t take a trained professional to spot the woman’s serious hygiene issue, area dentist Robert Cowan confirmed Friday that he could tell his patient hasn’t been brushing her hair. “Most people at least try to brush right before their appointment, but this lady clearly hasn’t bothered to clean her hair in weeks,” said Cowan, adding that based on how damaged her roots appeared, the woman was at risk of losing her locks completely if she didn’t start a regimented hair-care plan soon. “She told me she brushes her moptop twice a day, but that’s total bullshit. Her whole head smells and there’s little bits of food stuck in there. You don’t get frizzy split ends like that from occasionally forgetting to untangle your curls.” At press time, Cowan had sent the woman home with a complimentary wide-toothed comb and some shampoo samples.
NRA Releases Downloadable Blueprints For First 3D-Printed Gun Lobbyists #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Saying the schematics were already available on numerous file-sharing sites across the web, the National Rifle Association announced Tuesday it had released online blueprints that, for the first time ever, will allow citizens to print 3D gun lobbyists in their own homes. “Anyone with internet access and one of these precision 3D printers can, within hours, create a high-powered pro-gun advocate that will be ready for immediate use on K Street,” said NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch, noting that the single-issue model, known as the Influencer, is capable of exerting the same force on lawmakers as a regular lobbyist, with the primary difference being that it won’t have to be registered and will be untraceable. “These new do-it-yourself versions will make it easier for Americans to protect their Second Amendment rights. Whether they’re public-policy hobbyists or more serious opponents of all firearm restrictions, citizens can customize a lobbyist to best fit their advocacy needs.” Loesch added that the 3D-printed lobbyist will be able to deliver approximately $200,000 per minute to pro-gun candidates.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg Says She Has ‘5 More Years’ On Supreme Court #~# Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg told reporters that she believes she will serve “at least five more years” on the Supreme Court, providing hope to liberal supporters wary of the Court’s rightward shift. What do you think?
Cop Who Shot Unarmed Black Man Let Off With A Promotion #~# CHATHAM, MO—Concluding their investigation into the cop who fatally shot an unarmed black man during a September 2017 traffic stop, the Chatham Police Department announced Tuesday that Officer William Feldman would be let off with a promotion. “After a thorough examination of all the evidence, we’ve concluded that the officer in question should immediately receive a $10,000 raise and his own office,” said CPD chief Greg Morley, who added that the force had a zero-tolerance policy for permitting any officer involved in the shooting death of an unarmed African American to remain in a non-leadership role. “It’s clear to us from the body camera footage and from his own testimony that Officer—excuse me, Sergeant—Feldman acted out of fear for his own life, and his ability to quickly and deliberately decide that the suspect was armed serves as a shining example of good police work to the patrol officers who will now be his subordinates. His promotion sends a message that actions have consequences, and that this kind of behavior will not go unrewarded.” CPD officials added that they were impressed by how Sgt. Feldman handled himself during the investigation, and estimated that he was likely only three to five shootings of unarmed black men away from a promotion to lieutenant.
‘Men Are Not Oppressed,’ Says Woman Who Has No Idea What It Like To Take Two Whole Escalators To Get To Your Clothing Section At Zara #~# CHICAGO—Broadcasting her privilege and her ignorance loud and clear, feminist and mother of two Andrea Chambers, 34, who has no idea what it’s like to take two separate escalators just to get to your clothing section at Zara and of course never will, said Tuesday that “Men are not oppressed” during a heated conversation on the subject of gendered societal biases. “Guys just don’t experience the sort of obstacles we do,” said Chambers, who as a woman has never faced the humiliation of a Zara employee’s presumption when she approaches you to remark “Sir, if you’re looking for menswear, it’s on level three,” never had to trudge past not just every section for women’s apparel, but also the sections for women’s bags, shoes, and accessories before finally arriving at your destination, a khaki ghetto tucked well out of sight of “normal” Zara shoppers. “Talking about men as an oppressed class is just ridiculous. It distracts from the real issues, if you ask someone such as myself [who cannot possibly know what it’s like to finally reach your department only to discover that it’s a quarter of the size, has less than a quarter of the selection, and is clearly less of a social priority than the Zara kids’ section].” Chambers, who has not once suffered the utter indignity of feeling awkward asking if they have these slacks without pleats, brazenly added “There’s no such thing as reverse sexism.”
‘New York Times’ Publisher Reveals Asking Trump To Decrease Anti-Media Rhetoric Except Against Those Fuckers At ‘The Washington Post’  #~# WASHINGTON—Citing the potential dangers of continued White House attacks on media outlets, New York Times publisher A.G. Sulzberger revealed Sunday that he asked President Trump to decrease his anti-media rhetoric during their July 20 meeting, excepting those made against “those fuckers at The Washington Post.” “We urged him to back off of reporters and editors who are performing not just their jobs for their respective news organizations, but a valuable public service, and as members of a free press in a free country, should not have to feel their lives are at risk. I also entreated him to to join us in uniting against those WaPo shitasses,” said Sulzberger, emphasizing that Washington Post journalists should not be exempt from being mercilessly ridiculed by Trump and anyone who consumes media. “Using the term ‘fake news’ is harmful for all non-Washington Post staffers involved and creates an unsafe adversarial atmosphere that should be reserved for enemies of our country, such as, say, all Washington Post staffers. If this borderline slander continues, it could conceivably lead to violence against respected and skilled journalists who work for credible media organizations, which of course excludes the Post. I think we left that meeting with a real understanding that Trump should tone it down a bit, and redirect his vitriol where it belongs, toward those Washington Post dumbfucks.” At press time, Sulzberger believed Trump had listened to his arguments after learning that The Washington Post would be banned from all White House press briefings. 
Study Finds 70% Of Bingo Winners End Up Prizeless Within 5 Years #~# AMES, IA—Presenting the results of a longitudinal study spanning more than two decades, researchers from Iowa State University published findings Tuesday, revealing that nearly seven out of every 10 bingo winners end up prizeless within five years. “These winners tend to come from modest backgrounds, and most are not emotionally prepared for the abrupt lifestyle changes they encounter when they suddenly become the owner of a complete set of commemorative plates or a box of votive candles,” said sociologist and study co-author Karla Nelson, who remarked that a troubling number of bingo winners admitted to blowing through their entire coupon book in a single shopping spree. “Many experience a tremendous sense of euphoria upon first shouting “bingo,” but that rush fades over time. Unable to recapture their initial excitement, several of our study’s participants reported feelings of emptiness that no gift basket of skin-care products or Rachael Ray cookbook could ever seem to fill.” Nelson added that more than half of past bingo winners end up returning to the same dank, fluorescent-lit community centers and church basements where they started—often on the very next Thursday night.
Woman Accused Of Sending Man 65,000 Text Messages After First Date #~# An Arizona woman has been arrested for stalking a man after their first date by sending him 65,000 text messages and sometimes over 500 per day. What do you think?
CBS Reveals ‘Big Bang Theory’ Season 12 Will Explore Why Sheldon Keeps Job After Sexually Harassing 6 Research Assistants  #~# NEW YORK—As part of a preview of the network’s fall slate of shows, CBS revealed Monday that season 12 of the long-running sitcom The Big Bang Theory will explore why Sheldon Cooper keeps his job after sexually harassing six research assistants. “The story arc, which spans the entire season, shows that while there might be some credibility to the accusations, he’s far too important for the university to fire him now,” said Thom Sherman, the network’s senior executive vice president of programming, explaining that the September 24 season premiere, “The Accusation Attenuation,” featured six graduate students and several corroborating witnesses reporting Cooper for sexual harassment during his tenure as a theoretical physicist, the university’s investigation into the matter, and its ultimate dismissal of the charges. “As the season progresses, the incredibly thoughtful and cautious deans take the allegations extremely seriously before concluding, in the end, that all the women were likely lying. Not only are many of the accusations several years old, which obviously calls into question their timing, but also several of them are from opportunistic researchers who are plainly after Sheldon’s job. Viewers will surely enjoy a poignant yet hilarious scene in episode six, ‘The Uncertainty Principle,’ where Sheldon has trouble communicating the right threats to a physicist candidate whose career he’s planning to ruin. And the rest of the cast gets involved, of course, with Amy standing by her husband and attempting to discredit the accusers, while Howard, Leonard, and Raj eventually join the effort and convince two of the research assistants to recant their reports after repeatedly posting their personal information online. In the end, there’s just not enough evidence to take down someone as important in his field as Sheldon.” CBS also announced that the upcoming second season of The Big Bang Theory’s spinoff show, Young Sheldon, would explore how Sheldon Cooper became frustrated with women early on as the girls who attend his high school repeatedly refuse to have sex with him.
Trump Denies Existence Of 2016 Russia Meeting Commemorative Merchandise #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the reports were a ludicrous attempt by the mainstream media to discredit him, President Donald Trump vehemently denied Monday the existence of 2016 Russia meeting commemorative merchandise available at the Trump Tower gift shop. “There is absolutely no evidence to suggest that exquisite, handcrafted Trump–Russia meeting decorative plates are on sale for just $39.99 per plate or $199.99 for the entire six-plate set,” said the president, noting that if such collectibles did exist, they would no doubt feature the portraits and signatures of those who attended the meeting as well as a bonus silver souvenir spoon hand-stamped with the date “6/9/16” at no extra charge. “Despite what CNN might tell you, there is no proof that special-edition T-shirts featuring my son Donald Jr. making a handshake deal with Russian nationals to provide our campaign with dirt on Hillary Clinton are going fast and won’t be on the racks for long. Furthermore, we cannot corroborate that a 2016 Russia Meeting stein handsomely emblazoned with the word ‘COLLUSION’ would make the perfect gift for birthdays, anniversaries, or graduations.” At press time, Trump denied that the low-low prices on the commemorative merchandise would be affected by recent tariffs on Chinese goods.
Carrie Fisher Will Appear In ‘Star Wars: Episode IX’ #~# In a recently released cast list, LucasFilms revealed that Carrie Fisher will appear as Leia Organa in the final film of the new Star Wars trilogy using previously recorded footage, as well as Mark Hamill. What do you think?
Beloved Father And Infrequent Pornography User Loses 3-Year Battle With Cancer #~# ROCHESTER, NY—After losing a three-year battle with prostate cancer during which he only sporadically masturbated to prurient images, beloved father and infrequent pornography user Larry Gates passed away Monday, surrounded by his loving family in the home where he kept one or two old Playboys which, when in better health, he would take out from the bottom of a desk drawer and beat off to every so often. A true leader in business, an eight-year member of the Rochester Park School Board, and a devoted family man who browsed the “co-ed,” “amateur,” and “busty” categories every six months or so, Gates leaves behind his adoring sons William, 22, and Henry, 18; daughters Megan, 20, and Sidney, 14; PornHub link “Busty Amateur Co-ed Squirts Everywhere,” bookmarked last November; and his wife of 27 years, Elizabeth Marie. Those close to the sporadic X-rated movie downloader knew him as a company man who spent 17 years as an accountant at the Bonadio Group and four hours last year looking at POV blowjob GIFs, a devoted church-going member of his community, and an avid fan of both the New York Mets and of occasionally pleasuring himself to still images of interracial threesomes. Gates was 53, but discovered pornography at 13.
Dog Meets Owner At Door In Desperate Attempt To Get Ahead Of Diarrhea-Rug Scandal #~# KENNEWICK, WA—Deftly maneuvering to control the emotional tone and establish the primacy of her own narrative before the story got out of control, 3-year-old Jack Russell terrier Muffin met her owner at the door upon his return from work Monday in a desperate attempt to get ahead of an unfolding diarrhea-riddled-living-room-rug scandal. The companion animal reportedly took quick action by enthusiastically leaping at her owner while wagging her tail and whining with supposed joy, attempting to mitigate the coming fallout over the discovery of the 2-by-5-foot slick of fecal liquefaction slowly drying mere feet away, and to present herself in the most positive light by nuzzling her owner’s arm and licking his face. Moreover, Muffin immediately initiated a counter-narrative by scampering off to the dining room, grabbing the stuffed giraffe, and presenting it to her owner in a manner suggesting they play tug-of-war with the toy, evidently hoping that the creation of a favorable emotional atmosphere would soften the impact of the reeking cloud already wafting in from the next room. At press time, a severely chastised Muffin had instituted a total media blackout from beneath the bed, refusing to comment on her owner’s disastrous slipping in the noisome, viscous mass or take any responsibility for the shirt and pants destroyed during his subsequent fall.
Neil deGrasse Tyson Debunks Stadium’s Home Run Animation Depicting Ball Launching Into The Stratosphere #~# NEW YORK—Slamming the pixelated video as “ludicrous” and having no basis in real-life physics, astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson released a statement Wednesday debunking Yankee Stadium’s home run animation depicting a baseball being launched into Earth’s stratosphere. “First of all, absolutely no amount of human force could ever cause a baseball to exit the first layer of the atmosphere, and there is no way it would continue at steady rate, especially when you consider the gravity from the stars, moons, and comets the ball is passing; however, I’d like to clarify that those celestial objects do not exist in the stratosphere,” said Tyson, suggesting that if the animation’s intention was to demonstrate the power a batter has put into a baseball, it would be more effective to show the ball exiting the parking lot or breaking through a wooden barrier as those events are at least within the realm of possibility. “This is stupid, mindless entertainment, and I don’t know why baseball teams deceive their fans like this. A baseball would never gain enough speed during an ascent to catch on fire like that. We should all demand more scientific literacy in our jumbotron animations.” Tyson went on to clarify that while the science of the animation didn’t hold up for him, he was still able to appreciate the human drama felt by the shocked look on the baseball’s face as it hurtled towards the moon.
Hospital Guest Has Creepy Feeling Someone Might Have Died In Her Room #~# OAK PARK, IL—Noting the chill that ran down her spine at the thought of what ghastly fate may have befallen the previous occupant, hospital guest Rosie Scholl found it impossible to shake the creepy feeling that someone might have died in her room. “I don’t know, there’s just this vibe, like something really bad went down in this room at some point—maybe even in this same exact bed,” said Scholl, who was further disturbed by her attending nurse’s cryptic refusal to divulge any additional information concerning the suspiciously short stays of previous patients. “I know it sounds crazy, but I’m pretty much convinced that someone breathed their last right here where I’m staying. Honestly, it’s not just my room—I get the creeps from the entire hospital. The whole place just feels like it’s seen more than its share of death.” At press time, Scholl had shoved a chair in front of her door after hearing an ominous moaning sound from down the hall.
Music Compels Weak Man To Dance #~# NEWPORT, RI—Succumbing to his submissive nature as his will crumbled in time to the insistence of the beat, a weak man was reportedly compelled to dance Saturday by nothing more than the power of music. In a display of pathetic surrender, the man was seen by all in attendance to prance and caper along with each note, much as a mere animal submits to its master. Eyewitness accounts indicated that, once the man sensed the bass had been dropped, he relinquished any command of his own body, making no attempt to sit stone-faced and removed from musical compulsion, as a stronger man would certainly do. DJ booth observers also noted that the man appeared to actually enjoy the loss of control, laughing and showing no signs of shame as he joined the pulsing throng without any apparent second thoughts. When last seen, the self-conscripted slave to the rhythm—perhaps no longer able to keep the shame of his melodic servitude to himself—was dancing with an equally weak-willed woman.
HBO Greenlights ‘Deadwood’ Movie #~# Over 12 years after its original run, David Milch’s critically acclaimed western Deadwood has been greenlit for a series finale movie to air in early 2019. What do you think?
Minotaur Wondering If There More To Life Than Bashing In Heads Of Those Who Dare Wander Into Labyrinth #~# KNOSSOS, CRETE—Expressing dissatisfaction with the repetitive and predictable nature of his fated role, bull-headed humanoid The Minotaur ruminated on the possibility of doing more with his life than caving in the skulls of the heroes and sacrifices who wander into his mazelike lair, labyrinth sources confirmed Saturday. “It’s all well and good to serve as an archetype for the hazards of having no direction in life, or perhaps of the random nature of existence, but it’s not exactly like I get to see the world, do I?” said the razor-horned, ring-nosed brute, who noted that he had not spent a day outside of his work-from-home environment in 3,000 years. “I mean, the eagles who eat Prometheus’ liver every day may not have a starring role, but they work for, what, an hour? And then the rest of the day is theirs. I may as well be Sisyphus in here—a half-cow Sisyphus who eats people. I’ve fallen into the classic Greek tragicomic pattern—just because I was born into this job, I let myself become as much a prisoner here as the people whose brainpans I cleave like rotten fruit day in and day out.” The Minotaur admitted that he has no concrete plans for post-labyrinth employment, saying only that he wished to work among people he was not required to eat, and that he had recently become interested in coding.
Eric Trump Aims Laser Pointer At Don Jr. While Flicking Lights On And Off To Erase Memory Of Russia Meeting #~# WASHINGTON—In response to resurfacing allegations that cast doubt on his brother’s version of the 2016 Trump Tower meeting, Eric Trump aimed a laser pointer at Donald Jr. Friday while rapidly flicking a light switch up and down in order to erase all his memories of the incident. “Come on, Don, keep your eyes super wide open so the memory ray can work,” said the 34-year-old, shining a Trump Organization-branded laser pointer into Donald Jr.’s eyes while repeatedly shouting “You don’t remember the bad stuff! You don’t remember the bad stuff!” “It might hurt for a little bit while the memories are going away, but don’t move or it could give you total amnesia. Here, drink this, too. It’s a forgetfulness potion I made out of all the pills in Dad’s medicine cabinet. He takes ’em all the time and he never remembers nothing.” At press time, a frustrated Eric lost patience and instead opted to use a hammer to smash the memories out of Donald Jr.’s brain.
Lyft Considering Offering ‘Zen’ Mode For Those Who Want Quiet Ride #~# Ride sharing service Lyft may offer a “Zen” mode for riders who do are not in the mood for talking to their driver. What do you think?
WHO Warns Against Eating Fish And Keeping Active Following Death Of World’s Oldest Woman #~# GENEVA—In an effort to prevent people from falling into the same dangerous habits, the sudden and tragic death of the world’s oldest woman, Chiyo Miyako prompted the World Health Organization to issue an official warning Friday against eating fish every day and staying active, the 117-year-old’s most widely known avocations. “After collecting all available information concerning lifestyle, we strongly urge the public to regard this centenarian’s lifestyle as a cautionary tale against the dangers of certain destructive habits,” the official WHO statement read in part, noting that Miyako’s autopsy revealed clear signs of a diet high in omega-3 fatty acids and the unmistakable effects of low-impact exercises including power-walking and water aerobics. “Though it’s too late to help this victim, her passing has shed much-needed light on the potentially dangerous effects of reading historical fiction novels and completing crossword puzzles in an attempt to ‘stay sharp.’ We’ve also found significant evidence that Ms. Miyako loved to visit new places and socialize with friends, so we must consider the desire for broad experience and human companionship as possible factors in her being taken from us so soon.” Although some are taking issue with certain parts of the WHO’s statement, health and wellness experts are in general agreement concerning the potentially devastating effects of frequent visits from family members.
10-Year-Old Yelling At Mom To Watch Cannonball While She’s Trying To Scope Out Younger Men At Pool #~# COSTA MESA, CA—Excitedly waving his arms from the diving board of his local pool Friday, 10-year-old Bryan Eastman reportedly yelled for his mother Emily, 36, to watch him perform a cannonball while she was attempting to feast her eyes upon a visual banquet of athletic young men nearby. “Mom, Mom, look at me! This is gonna be awesome!” screamed the fourth-grader, interrupting his mother as she peered over her sunglasses at a series of bronzed and chiseled male sunbathers, as well as several taut, V-tapered lap swimmers, one of whom had just emerged from the water and begun doing toe touches directly in her line of sight. “Up here, Mom! Watch me make a big splash!” At press time, sources confirmed Emily Eastman had rushed to her son’s side after he had slipped, hit his head, and found himself in need of first aid from the ruggedly handsome lifeguard currently on duty.
World-Eating Leviathan Awoken From 500-Million-Year Slumber In Martian Underground Lake After Feeling Sonar Disturbance #~# PARIS—Shortly following a transmission sent by the Mars Express spacecraft verifying that its instruments had detected a subglacial lake a mile below the planet’s surface, the European Space Agency confirmed Thursday that the orbiter’s surface-penetrating radar had disturbed the eternal and unspeakable dreaming of an aeons-old, world-ravaging malevolence, waking it from its 500-million-year slumber in the underground Martian reservoir. The abhorrent trans-dimensional beast then rose from the stygian depths of its lightless subaquatic lair, unleashing a hideous ululation that caused the red planet to fissure and burst into billions of molten fragments, an event recorded as a magnitude 18.5 quake by ESA scientists. The terror-struck astronauts of the International Space Station, evidently drained of their sanity by the sight of the accursed, star-spawned abomination, managed to inform ground control through increasingly incomprehensible transmissions that Earth’s moon had been devoured by the ravening behemoth before all communication with the crew was cut off suddenly and completely. ESA administrators, initially optimistic about the discovery of liquid water on Mars and its positive implications for future colonization, changed their message to one of warning earlier today, shrieking barely comprehensible messages of doom as they clawed their living eyes from their sockets in a vain effort to escape contemplation of the vast horror descending upon the world at this very moment to drink our insignificant lives as it will one day drink the light of the stars.
Investors Remind Mark Zuckerberg He Can’t Fuck With Them Like The Simpering Cowards In Congress  #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Berating the increasingly alarmed CEO about the consequences he would face if his company continued to underperform, Facebook investors reportedly reminded Mark Zuckerberg Friday that he can’t fuck with them like he did with the simpering cowards in Congress. “Listen up, you little shit—those dickless pushovers in Washington will just tolerate your bullshit and let you off with a warning, but we sure as hell won’t,” said Matthew Patsky, CEO of Trillium Asset Management, one of more than a dozen investors at a shareholder meeting who warned Zuckerberg that there were dire consequences to losing powerful people’s money, while several others took turns backhanding and spitting on the 34-year-old co-founder of Facebook. “You think you’re just going to waltz in here and dodge our questions like you did with Congress in April and we just won’t care, you worthless shit? We’re not a bunch of gutless pussies like Richard Durbin and John Cornyn and all those other bitch senators. Our stock price drops even a fraction more and it’s your goddamn head. Unlike those useless politicians who were elected by dumbass Americans, we know how to get shit done. You realize we can send you to prison and get all your fucking money taken away if we just snap our fingers, right?” At press time, an investor was standing guard outside the door of the company’s boardroom as blood-curdling shrieks could be heard from within. 
Panicking Mark Zuckerberg Holds Press Conference Explicitly Welcoming Armenian Genocide Deniers To Facebook #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Following a difficult week that saw the social media company’s shares plummet by nearly 20 percent, a clearly panicking Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference Friday explicitly welcoming those who deny the Armenian genocide to Facebook. “We fully acknowledge that it was a mistake for us to have ever censored any content whatsoever, so we are extending the warmest of invitations to anyone who doesn’t believe in the systematic destruction of 1.5 million Armenians at the hands of the Ottoman Empire during World War I,” the profusely sweating, visibly agitated CEO told reporters, noting that, effective immediately, the site would also be rolling out the red carpet for any individuals or groups skeptical of the Nanking Massacre, the Great Famine, or the Rwandan genocide. “Whether you’re a Turkish nationalist who believes in an elaborate conspiracy perpetrated by the Armenian people or you just reject that Sudanese militias have killed non-Arabs in Darfur, Facebook could not be more thrilled to have you join the conversation. Okay? Just please, please, keep using our platform.” Zuckerberg added that, as part of its effort to reach out to this user base, Facebook would be launching a multimillion dollar “There Are Two Sides To Every Story” ad campaign. 
Pros And Cons Of Abolishing ICE #~# Several recent high-profile controversies involving the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency have led to calls for abolishing it entirely, while most lawmakers argue for its importance in dealing with the nation’s immigration issues or urge moderate reforms. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of abolishing ICE.
Merck CEO Taunts Patients By Lowering Drug Prices Until Just Out Of Their Reach #~# KENILWORTH, NJ—In a move characteristic of the pharmaceutical industry’s traditional price-structuring methods, Merck CEO Kenneth C. Frazier tantalized Americans dependent on prescriptions Friday by announcing a price reduction on life-saving drugs, setting the new prices at the point where they are just out of reach of the average citizen. “I’m keeping prices tantalizingly close, just above their income bracket—so close to being within budget, they can almost taste it,” said Frazier, adding that he experienced “a delectable little thrill” when sick people’s vital medicines and vaccines came excruciatingly close to affordability without actually being attainable. “Despite what people think, Merck is not in the business of price-gouging people who need life-saving drugs for all they’re worth. Quality of life is also important to us, and our lives as pharmaceutical professionals are vastly improved by watching kids with leukemia writhe in pain as their parents grovel for a third mortgage. Years of research have gone into finding the price point that people taking our drugs can afford, but it only takes one ecstatic moment to price it 5 percent higher than that.” Frazier went on to reaffirm Merck’s commitment to ensuring all necessary medications remain attainable for those who have lots of money.
Facebook Planning To Launch Satellite To Provide Internet To Underserved Parts Of World #~# Social media giant Facebook plans to launch a low-orbit satellite to offer limited internet services such as weather forecasting and access to Facebook to impoverished parts of the world, although the plan has been criticized for restricting free speech. What do you think? 
Secret Trump–Cohen Audio Tape Released #~# In a recently leaked audio recording, attorney Michael Cohen speaks to Donald Trump about a payment to buy the silence of former Playboy model Karen McDougal. What do you think?
House Conservatives Introduce Resolution To Impale Rod Rosenstein #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that the United States Deputy Attorney General had failed to uphold his oath of office, 11 Congressional conservatives reportedly introduced a resolution Thursday to impale Rod Rosenstein. “Mr. Rosenstein’s tenure has been marked by rampant partisanship, leaving us with no choice but to move forward with articles of impalement,” said Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan, telling reporters that, if approved, the motion would require Rosenstein to immediately have his body driven through by a 20-foot pike on the steps of the Capitol Building as a warning to all who would defy the president. “Time and again, Mr. Rosenstein has crossed the line in his investigation into Russian meddling, and we intend to make a statement against these outrages by lancing him from anus to mouth, leaving him alive to scream in agony as he slowly exsanguinates.”At press time, the resolution had stalled after House Republicans were unable to reach a consensus about whether Rosenstein’s eyes should be immediately gouged out or remain in place to be eaten by crows. 
Royals Players Concerned About Fan Who Stuck Out 3-Hour Rain Delay #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Sadly watching from the dugout as the lone spectator refused to abandon the game, the players of the Kansas City Royals confirmed this week that they were concerned about a fan who stuck out a three-hour rain delay. “I hope he’s okay, I mean, we appreciate the support, but it’s coming down in sheets and this game has absolutely zero playoff implications,” said third-baseman Mike Moustakas, who expressed concern that the fan had seemingly nothing better to do for an entire evening than wait for a mid-season baseball game to restart while sitting through a torrential downpour. “He’s all the way up in the 400 level—he doesn’t even have good seats. I mean, it’s the middle of the week, shouldn’t he have a family or someone to go home to? Maybe we should send up a security guard to ask if he’s okay?” At press time, the fan had gotten up to leave after being unable to endure an interminably long eighth inning.
Man Feeling Pressure To Give Mom Grandchildren While She Still Around To Raise Them #~# ABINGTON, PA—Experiencing an urgent need to extend his bloodline, prospective father Mark Griffin said Thursday that he felt pressured to give his mother grandchildren while she was still around to care for them on his behalf. “Sad to say, Mom’s getting older, and if I wait any longer to have kids, she may not be physically able to feed them, clothe them, play with them, and discipline them when I just don’t feel like it,” said 29-year-old Griffin, acknowledging that his mother had been dropping subtle hints that she’d like grandchildren, presumably in order to raise them in his stead. “Someday, Mom’s not going to be around to take my kids to preschool each morning, so I feel a strong sense of obligation to her—she deserves to watch her grandchildren grow up, ideally while driving them to their doctor’s appointments, teaching them the alphabet, and making them chicken nuggets while I pursue my interests.” Griffin said he has “felt the clock ticking” ever since his mother revealed that by his age, she had already given birth to his two older siblings and had begun dropping them off at their grandmother’s house for weeks at a time. 
White House Press Corps Wishes Show Of Solidarity Over Banned Reporter Could Be For Better News Organization Than CNN #~# WASHINGTON—Even as they united behind journalist Kaitlan Collins after the Trump administration barred her from attending a press conference with the president, the White House press corps reportedly admitted Thursday that they wished their show of solidarity over a banned reporter could be for a better news organization than CNN. “Obviously, we’ll stand behind any news outlet that has its access suspended, but did it really have to be CNN?” said NBC News chief White House correspondent Hallie Jackson, echoing the sentiments of her colleagues who begrudgingly agreed that any move to infringe upon one reporter’s journalistic freedoms, even if it was someone from CNN, was an assault on the entire free press. “Although we’d much rather stand up for someone from, say, the New York Times, or C-SPAN, or, Christ, even The Hill, it’s important to inform the White House that blocking any news organization from a press event will not be tolerated. Journalists are here to ask tough questions and keep the public informed, and even if they represent a network that never does those things, a ban like this sets a grave precedent. Solidarity with—ugh—CNN.” At press time, CNN senior White House correspondent Jeff Zeleny issued a statement thanking the press corps for coming together to support holding the powerful accountable and also for whatever it is that CNN does.
Dr. Scholl’s Introduces New Freeze-Away Toe Remover #~# CHICAGO—Foot-care brand Dr. Scholl’s unveiled its new Freeze-Away Toe Remover Thursday, an over-the-counter treatment that combines freeze therapy with fast-acting liquid to loosen and ultimately expel unsightly toes. “If you’re finding it painful to put on shoes or simply want to get rid of the gnarled growths at the ends of your feet, there’s an easier solution than having your toes surgically removed—just apply our product on the affected area, and in 24 hours the digits will disappear,” said the company’s director of marketing Angie Diaz, who explained that the serum works by chemically breaking down tissue and bone before freezing and separating the phalanges from the metatarsals. “It’s a painless, no-hassle solution that will save you the time and expense of a trip to the doctor. And since each package comes with five doses, you can re-apply as many times as necessary to ensure a smooth, healthy surface.” Diaz added that the temporary loss of feeling in users’ feet could be alleviated by Dr. Scholl’s’ Hypodermic Massage Gel.
Trump Vindicated After Rest Of Leaked Recording Reveals Him Urging Racial Reconciliation, Calling For Interfaith Dialogue, Condemning Gender Inequality #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing relief that the leaked recording of his meeting with lawyer Michael Cohen revealed more than merely his practice of paying hush money to his mistresses, President Donald Trump told the reporters Thursday that he felt “vindicated” by the captured conversation, during which he clearly and unequivocally demonstrated his yearning for reconciliation between the races, called for an earnest and compassionate ongoing dialogue among those of different faiths, and unequivocally condemned the rampant gender inequality at all levels of American society. “Sure, it might look like I’m only concerned with silencing a Playmate in exchange for a large sum of money, but that’s only because the crooked media edited out my call for Americans of all colors, creeds, and convictions to finally come together as one people and embrace the differences that are ultimately our chief source of strength, instead of using them to sow further discord,” said the 45th president of the United States, citing a section at the recording’s 12-minute mark where he was heard challenging his “brothers and sisters in democracy” to work together and uplift traditionally marginalized groups. “This is far from the first time my words have been taken out of context. Yet this incident only serves to strengthen my resolve. My message was clear then, and it’s clear today: We cannot move forward as a nation unless and until we atone for generations of systemic oppression by committing all our resources to opposing that oppression in all its forms, because the only true measure of a society is in its treatment of its most vulnerable members.” At press time, a Pew Research Center poll showed Trump’s approval rating plummeting to 1 percent among Republicans.
Steve Bannon Sets Sights On Spreading Far-Right Europe With New Foundation #~# Former White House chief advisor Steve Bannon plans to launch a foundation in Brussels called The Movement to spread far-right ideology to Europe. What do you think?
Ivanka Trump Shutters Fashion Line #~# Facing boycotts and reported frustration over conflicts of interest, First Daughter Ivanka Trump shut down her fashion line, which sells accessories like handbags, perfume, and heels. What do you think?
Huckabee Sanders Claims Playing Cohen Tape Backward Reveals Hidden Message Exonerating Trump From All Wrongdoing #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the release of the secretly recorded conversation between Donald Trump and Michael Cohen could not have come at a better time, Sarah Huckabee Sanders stated Wednesday that playing the tape backward reveals a hidden message exonerating Trump from any misconduct. “I can confirm that if you play these recordings backward and at half speed, you can clearly hear the voice of Barack Obama saying, ‘We should frame Donald Trump so people think it was him, not me, who had all those extramarital affairs,’ and then Cohen saying, ‘You’re my best client, Barack,’” said the White House press secretary, adding that if you turn the treble all the way up and listen closely around the tape’s six-minute mark, you can make out former Democratic National Committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz instructing staffers to steal hacked email servers. “President Trump is actually quite grateful for the release of this tape, as it provides conclusive proof that investigations into his financial transactions and personal life are merely witch hunts meant to distract Americans from the real issues. Try it at home and hear the truth for yourself.” Huckabee Sanders went on to add that, later in the tape, one hears the voices of both Bill and Hillary Clinton confessing to the murder of Vince Foster.
Michael Cohen Promises More Damaging Recordings Of Trump Already Public #~# NEW YORK—Saying the leaked audio of Donald Trump approving a payment to ensure the silence of a former Playboy model had “barely scratched the surface,” embattled attorney Michael Cohen promised Wednesday that even more damaging recordings were widely available to the public already. “You may think this is bad—the president agreeing to reimburse the $150,000 paid out to a woman he allegedly had a yearlong affair with—but trust me, there is a lot more where that came from, and it’s been airing nonstop on every major news network for three years now,” said Cohen, who later teased some of the thousands of potentially compromising statements that are readily accessible on the president’s personal Twitter account and have been since 2009. “What came out yesterday is just the tip of the iceberg. There’s actually a taped conversation with Lester Holt in which Trump openly admits to obstructing justice, and many, many other tapes in which he offers effusive praise for murderous dictators like Kim Jong-un and Rodrigo Duterte.” At press time, sources confirmed Cohen had taken to social media to alert Americans to the October 2016 release of a recording containing an extremely damning conversation where Trump admitted to sexually assaulting women while speaking with former Access Hollywood correspondent Billy Bush.
NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL Team Owners Vote To Unionize #~# NEW YORK—Sending a message that they would no longer stand for dismissive treatment and inflated payrolls, owners from all four major U.S. professional sports leagues voted Wednesday to unionize. “We the owners have been exploited for too long, and with unionization, we can secure the basic rights we’ve never had as individual owners of major-market sports teams,” said Cowboys owner and union representative Jerry Jones, who issued a demand that the players immediately recognize the owners’ union and come to the table to negotiate for more fair and equitable ownership terms. “Today, we stand in solidarity with all the sports owners around the world who have been taken advantage off, forced to hand out guaranteed contracts while living without basic jet fuel reimbursements and guaranteed spa days. Separately, we’re just a bunch of millionaires and billionaires, but when we work together, we can finally wield some power.” At press time, thousands of fans took to social media to express their overwhelming support for the owners in their fight against money-grubbing athletes.
MADD PSA Clarifies It’s Okay To Drive Drunk If It’ll Be Big Pain To Get Car Tomorrow #~# IRVING, TX—In the first convenience-oriented change to their fundamental principles since the group’s founding, advocacy nonprofit Mothers Against Drunk Driving released a public service announcement Wednesday clarifying their platform to allow for driving under the influence of alcohol if circumstances would make it a huge hassle to retrieve the vehicle the following morning. “While we remain resolute in our opposition of drunk and drugged driving, we acknowledge that it can be a giant production to set an alarm for 5 a.m. and get a taxi back to the bar the next day,” said MADD national president Colleen Sheehey-Church, cautioning drivers to drink a glass of water and load up on bread before hitting the road while under the influence. “We can’t stress enough how strongly we discourage engaging in this kind of reckless behavior, unless you’d have to wait an hour and a half to take the train back to your friend’s house the next afternoon to pick up your car, all while nursing a hangover. Even in these rare instances, MADD urges you to drive safely by taking surface streets, rolling down your windows, and singing along with the radio or smoking a cigarette to remain alert.” The PSA concluded by calling for designated drivers to “treat yourselves to a well-deserved cold one” if the stress of transporting obstinate, rowdy drunks begins to get to them.
Cashier Forced To Incorporate Humiliating New Phrase Into Every Customer Interaction #~# EAST LANSING, MI—Flushed with embarrassment after uttering the phrase “Have a delicious day!” countless times throughout her Wednesday morning shift at Everything Nice Bakery, cashier Guila Charlton expressed indignation that company policy forced her and her coworkers to incorporate the insipid affirmation into every customer interaction. “There is absolutely no way to work ‘Have a delicious day’ into a conversation organically. It makes customers uncomfortable when I say it; they either break eye contact or look at me with a mixture of disgust and pity,” said Charlton, whose fellow cashiers said they are still adjusting to the requirement that they refer to patrons as “guest-omers.” “At first I tried to just mumble it underneath my breath, but my supervisor reprimanded me for it. Honestly, I was actually kind of getting used to the old phrase we had to repeat all day. I mean, sure, “Seize the Danish” was cheesy, but it was at least, you know, honest about it. This is goddamn mortifying. My friends are so embarrassed for me they don’t even come around for free muffins.” The regional manager has also issued Charlton and her coworkers new name tags featuring the phrase “Be Delicious” written in Comic Sans. 
Timeline Of Internet Bots #~# The widespread presence of bots on the internet has driven concerns about their effects on social media, cybersecurity, and public discourse, but internet bots are far from a new phenomenon. The Onion takes a look at the history of bots on the internet.
‘Who Sent You Here,’ Whispers Woman To Big Tray Of Cheese Danishes Confronting Her In Break Room #~# NEW YORK—Her heart pounding, her hands balling reflexively into fists, and her eyes furtively darting around the room for potential witnesses to her confrontation with her old nemesis, systems analyst and supposedly former pastry enthusiast Katy Gilmartin found herself whispering “Who? Who sent you here?” to the large tray of cheese danishes that she found lurking in the office break room. “How did you find me, you son of a bitch? What more could you possibly want after you took almost everything from me?” asked the 29-year-old, admitting to herself that she always knew the delicious pastries would be back for her, but stubbornly insisting that no part of her secretly rejoiced at their sudden sweet and savory return. “No. How you found me doesn’t matter. Why you’re here doesn’t matter. This cat-and-mouse game ends right here, right now. You’re leaving—either with whoever brought you or in a damn trash bag, I don’t care which, but you’re not leaving with me. We’re done, do you hear me?” Gilmartin’s body was later discovered by her coworkers in the outdoor eating area where it had evidently been cruelly ravaged by bear claws.
Papa John’s Add ‘Poison Pill’ Provision To Prevent Founder From Returning #~# The Papa John’s board of directors adopted a so-called “poison pill” provision aimed to prevent former CEO John Schnatter from gaining more control of the company after he used the N-word on a conference call. What do you think?
Embittered Raisin Won’t Shut Up About How It Could Have Been Wine #~# FRESNO, CA—Noting that the constant arrogant comments were starting to irritate the entire 22-ounce canister of dried fruit, sources reported Tuesday that an embittered raisin wouldn’t shut up about how, if only the right opportunity had come along, it could have been wine. “This raisin just goes on and on, telling us how it would have had the sweetness and acidity to make a really incredible pinot noir,” said a neighboring raisin from the same package, describing how its resentful peer kept grumbling disdainfully about how it deserved so much better, as though it were some sort of big shot from Napa or something. “Every day there’s another pompous remark, like, ‘It’s a shame, because 2017 was such a good vintage for grapes like me,’ or, ‘I think I really would have thrived somewhere like Keever Vineyards or even Harlan Estate.’ And I’m just like, ‘Hey, buddy, I spent a summer sun-drying next to you, I’ve seen your tannins—you’d have been lucky to make it into a box of Franzia.’ Honestly, this smug prick is bringing down the whole carton. Sure, we’d all love to be hanging out in some rich guy’s cellar for the next two decades, but we’re raisins, and that’s a pretty good life, too.” When reached for comment, the embittered raisin grew quiet, eventually conceding that if it had been given a shot at fermentation, it probably wouldn’t have amounted to anything more than vinegar.
R. Kelly Releases 19-Minute Song Addressing Sexual Assault #~# Facing numerous sexual assault allegations, R&B singer R. Kelly released “I Admit,” a 19-minute song in which he denies accusation of pedophilia and sexual slavery while admitting to other mistakes. What do you think?
ICE Opens New Supermax Detention Center For Most Hardened Toddlers #~# CORNUDAS, TX—In response to growing issues with its population of juvenile detainees, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency reportedly announced on Tuesday the opening of a new supermax detention center to house its most hardened toddlers. “The Hudspeth County Maximum Correctional Facility is designed to provide secure and controlled incarceration of the most disruptive and difficult young children under ICE custody,” said ICE acting director Ronald Vitiello of the facility, which will hold up to 450 of the system’s most intractable and dangerous toddlers in single-cell solitary confinement for 23 hours per day, with minimal access to staff and other detained children, indefinitely. “These are the real criers and tantrum-throwers. We can’t put our guards at risk every day by allowing these kids who routinely incite mass screaming to remain among the general population. Look, a lot of these toddlers have been locked up for half their lives; they haven’t spent time in the outside world, and they have significant behavioral issues. We need to recognize that some of these truly hardened 12- to 36-month-old migrants are just beyond rehabilitation by our justice system.” Vitiello added that ICE was also hoping to expedite the reunification of parents and children who had been separated by the agency’s detention policies by updating the Leavenworth Detention Center with a family execution chamber.
27-Year-Old Unsure Whether He Can Pull Off Keeping Framed Picture Of Wife On Desk #~# CLEVELAND, OH—Carefully evaluating the effect that displaying the photograph would have on the image of someone his age, 27-year-old systems analyst Martin Lambert disclosed Tuesday that he was unsure if he could pull off keeping a framed picture of his wife on his office desk. “On the one hand, it would absolutely be nice to have Jessica’s picture on my desk, no question about that, but on the other hand, it might look like I think I’m some wise old family man or something,” said Lambert, gazing thoughtfully at the 4-by-6-inch snapshot of his spouse on their recent vacation to Argentina and ruminating that while she is, after all, his wife, they’ve only been married a year, and the photo might clash mood-wise with the basketball hoop over his wastebasket and the commemorative beer bottle he employs as a bookend for his manuals. “This is a thing guys do, right? I mean, Jeff pulls it off, and he’s 32, but I don’t know, he’s also pretty religious, so that might be different.” Lambert later decided to compromise and displayed the photo by having it held by a posable action figure of his favorite wrestler. 
More Young Adults Are Dying From Alcohol-Related Illnesses #~# A recent report found that annual death rates from alcohol-related illnesses jumped an average of 10 percent each year in the past decade for people between the ages of 25 and 34. What do you think?
Nana J. Reclaims Top Spot From Gram Gram Following Exceptional Birthday Outing #~# GUTHRIE CENTER, IA—Explaining how the matriarch had upstaged the competition with impressive decorations, thoughtful gifts, and delicious cake, area 9-year-old Lucy Astrid confirmed Tuesday that her Nana J. reclaimed the top spot from her Gram Gram following an exceptional birthday outing last week. “Gram Gram was certainly on top after getting me that pair of roller blades for Christmas, but Nana J. really swept in to win back her title,” said Astrid, noting how Nana J. allowed her to choose the restaurant where they dined for lunch then bought them tickets to a PG-13 movie along with soda and her favorite candy at the concession stand. “While the $20 check from Gram Gram was nice, it didn’t even come close. She’s really going to have to step it up if she wants to be back at number one.” Astrid also confirmed that Pop Pop remained floundering at the bottom of the list following his stroke last year.
Confused Mueller Reminds Nation Russia Investigation Wrapped Up Months Ago #~# WASHINGTON—Taking a moment from his now-mundane life to address any lingering uncertainty about the outcome of the highly publicized legal ordeal, a confused Robert Mueller was forced to remind the nation Monday that the Russia Investigation wrapped up months ago. “Wait, doesn’t anyone remember? We arrested a bunch of people and shut down the whole thing. Where were you guys?” said the baffled special counsel, carefully recounting the FBI’s painstaking interrogation and evidence-collection processes, which culminated in a series of trials that had been televised and broadcast across every major television network. “Seriously, I was on TV every day for, like, six months straight. We got nine people arrested on counts of high treason and uncovered a 30-person ring of Russian dark-web cybercriminals. Remember? Is this seriously not ringing any bells?” At press time, Mueller bashfully acknowledged that most of the suspects were eventually released on legal technicalities.
Rare Mutation Allows Bajau People To Stay Underwater For 2 Minutes #~# Researchers found that the Bajau people—residents of the Philippines and Malaysia renowned for their free-diving abilities—inherited their breath-holding capacities genetically through enlarged spleens. What do you think? 
Bee Wishes It Could Hang Around Open Soda Can Without Everybody Freaking Out #~# SIOUX CITY, IA—Dismayed by the apparent impossibility of finding a nice place to sit for a second without causing a huge commotion, western honey bee HBW/A395-630-G6 reportedly wished Monday that it could hang around its traditional resting place, an open soda can, without people totally freaking out. “Jesus Christ, everyone! Calm down. I’m just minding my own business. I’m not going to hurt anyone. I’m just tired. I’ll be on my way in a minute, okay?” said the bee, expressing annoyance that despite never having stung a soul, it was still treated like some sort of monster every time it hovered innocently above a picnic table. “Oh, you know someone who got stung once, and now you’re afraid of every single bee? Christ, grow up. Frankly, you’re on my turf right now—if you didn’t want to be around any bees ever in your whole life, you should’ve just stayed inside.” The bee added that the presence of honey barbecue chips next to the open soda can was just insult on top of injury.
R. Kelly Releases Emotional New Song Thanking Fans For Continued Acceptance Of Sex Crimes #~# CHICAGO—Dedicating the track to all those who have blindly supported him over the years, singer R. Kelly released an emotional new song Monday thanking fans for their continued, unwavering acceptance of his sex crimes. “When I’m accused of sexual assault (assault) / Thanks for finding the victims at fault (fault),” sings Kelly in the 19-minute track, entitled “Don’t Hold Me Accountable,” a passionate and at times tearful ode to supporters heedless of his criminal actions as well as those who actively harass others for pointing out the singer’s long history of well-documented sexual misconduct. “My actions are indefensible (indefensible) / What I did is reprehensible (reprehensible) / But because you like my songs (songs) / Nothing I ever do is wrong (wrong).” At press time, the new track had jumped to the top of the charts and several prominent music critics were already declaring it the song of the summer.
Every Driver In Roundabout Just Winging It #~# MT. HOREB, WI—Saying they have “no earthly clue” exactly when it’s okay to enter and exit, all of the drivers currently in the roundabout at Springdale and 8th Street admitted Monday that they’re pretty much “just winging it” whenever they pass through. “Who has the right of way? What does a yield sign really mean? I haven’t needed to know since my driver’s ed test. Why are there two lanes? Should I stop to let this guy in? Wait, no way, that seems dangerous. Who’s honking at me? Is that coming from behind me or from the approaching car on my left?” said driver Alan Sommer, 42, one of countless aimless motorists flicking their blinkers on and off, gesturing at other drivers, halting suddenly after their car is halfway into traffic, and otherwise performing whatever dangerous and unpredictable action felt right to them. “I’ve driven this way every day for 15 years, and I still have no goddamn idea if I’m supposed to signal before exiting or what the sign with those fucking arrows means. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, a pedestrian now?” At press time, the ambulance driver on his way to a six-car pileup in the roundabout confessed that he, too, was just winging it.
New ‘Dune’ Films Planned From Director Of ‘Blade Runner: 2049’ #~# Timothée Chalamet is in talks to star in a two-part adaptation of Frank Herbert’s classic novel Dune as directed by Denis Villeneuve. What do you think?
Promotion Offers Fans Free Pizza If Phillies Don't Blow Any Easy Plays In 5th Inning #~# PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to boost attendance and reward fan’s patience with the young, error-prone ballclub, the Philadelphia Phillies announced a new promotion Friday offering fans free pizza if the team doesn’t blow any easy on plays while on defense in the top of the 5th inning. “We’re excited to offer our fiercely passionate fans a large one-topping pizza of their choice, provided the team can string together an inning of mistake-free baseball,” said Phillies’ Director of Public Affairs Scott Palmer, adding that fans would also receive a free order of breadsticks if two players managed to properly communicate over a fly ball without smashing into each other. “We’re already beginning to notice a new sense of excitement at the stadium, even though fans recognize how unlikely it is that we record three consecutive outs without someone bobbling a textbook grounder or overthrowing first base by a country mile.” At press time, fans were reportedly pouring out of the stadium after a passed ball triggered a huge 5th-inning rally for the division rival Marlins.
Homeless Man Has Nice Summer Tan Going #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Marveling at the bronzed perfection of the figure lounging in Goodale Park, sources confirmed Friday that homeless man Eddie Kowalcek had a really nice summer tan going. “Wow, that guy just looks incredible,” said Spencer Dawson, 26, adding that the evenly tanned homeless schizophrenic must have spent months lying on the beach to build up such a flawless golden-brown skin tone. “Seriously, I almost want to ask him what his secret is, because I usually can’t stay outside for more than 15 minutes without burning. But this guy is apparently fine just soaking in the rays outside of his tent without even a dab of sunscreen. You’d think he might overheat with that full beard, too, but nope. God, I look like complete shit next to him.” At press time, Dawson begrudgingly accepted that some people just have all the luck.
Maria Butina Slips Away After Binding Half-Naked, Blindfolded Robert Mueller To Bed #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Quietly climbing out from under the sheets and sliding on a trench coat, accused Russian agent Maria Butina slipped away Friday after binding the wrists of a half-naked, blindfolded Robert Mueller to a bed frame with silk scarves. “I’m sorry to duck out like this, but I’m running late for an important date in Moscow. Ciao, Robert,” said Butina, who tossed a French tickler on the special counsel’s bare chest before emptying his wallet, grabbing his gun and FBI identification, and pocketing a small flash drive. “Don’t take this too personally, Robert, I’ve had a lot of fun, but I just don’t think we have much of a future together. You can always drop me a line next time you’re in Russia.” At press time, Butina was in the back of a limousine, wiping away a tear while gazing at the necklace Mueller had gifted her earlier that day.
WHO Eliminates Blindness-Causing Trachoma In Seven Countries #~# The World Health Organization declared a major milestone after eliminating trachoma, a debilitating disease that causes blindness in sufferers, in seven countries, and making significant inroads in others. What do you think?
Flight Attendant Demonstrates Proper Technique For Eating Fellow Passenger In Event Of Crash #~# ATLANTA—As an audio recording provided clear instructions on the procedure during pre-flight safety announcements, a flight attendant for Delta Airlines reportedly walked down the aisle of flight 9143 to London Friday demonstrating the correct way to consume one’s fellow passengers following a crash. “In the unlikely event of a water landing, turn to the person sitting nearest you, ensure they have been properly subdued with a strong blow to the head, and then tear into the fat and muscle of their limbs with your teeth,” the recording stated as a Delta crew member walked down the aisle and held up a model of a human arm and shoulder as a visual aid, allowing travelers to see how best to go about pulling hunks of raw flesh away from the bone in an emergency situation. “With a firm grip on the neck and wrist of your seatmate, gorge yourself fully upon their blood and sinews, continuing in methodical fashion until your appetite has been completely sated. Please note that if you are traveling with a child or person in need of special assistance, these individuals will be much easier to catch and overpower.” The recording went on to remind passengers that tampering with, disabling, and destroying their travel companions will be necessary for their survival.
Dozens Of White Houses Materialize From Temporal Vortex As Trump’s Changing Account Of Putin Meeting Tears Apart Space-Time #~# WASHINGTON—Revealing that the physical world could no longer bear the weight of numerous contradictory realities, sources confirmed Friday that dozens of Whites Houses have begun to leak from a temporal vortex as President Trump’s rapidly changing story of meeting Putin tears apart space-time. “A White House is blinking in and out of reality atop the Washington Monument, and another has materialized inside the wall of a Georgetown apartment building—it appears the fourth dimensional plane is collapsing in on itself as Trump’s untenable, competing statements rupture the very foundation of time and relativity,” said astrophysicist Maria Steagall, who confirmed an entire unit of the Army National Guard was instantly vaporized attempting to enter the vortex, and several members of the White House press corps were reportedly stretched out for the entire length of the Milky Way Galaxy and then collapsed to the size of a single atom after simply trying to make sense of the president’s conflicting remarks. “One witness reported seeing 6,000 Mike Pences pouring out of a small wormhole in the Cabinet room before suddenly vanishing. Countless universes are colliding and folding over each other every time Trump disputes his earlier statements; this is one of the greatest traumas the fabric of the universe has suffered since the Big Bang. In fact, the sheer heat being created by all these Putin stories battling each other to stabilize space-time may cause a black hole to form at the Earth’s core, causing the planet to implode.” At press time, scientists studying the vortex had confirmed that Trump was President in every single Earth reality and would be forever.
Comic-Con Fan Guesses He Enjoyed 60-Minute Panel Of Silently Masturbating Alan Moore Practicing Sex Magic #~# SAN DIEGO—Reflecting while exiting the packed Indigo Ballroom, local Comic-Con attendee Matt Donnelly told reporters Friday that he guessed he enjoyed the 60-minute panel wherein comic-book writer Alan Moore silently masturbated and performed sex magic rituals. “Honestly, I was kind of hoping he’d talk about creating Promethea or From Hell, but I guess it was kind of cool to watch as Alan conjured the supreme Thelemite goddess Babalon by ejaculating into the sacred Graal,” said Donnelly, who admitted that ultimately, his ticket was worth the cost despite the fully nude 64-year-old responding to an audience question about modernization in Watchmen by drawing an 11-point occult symbol in salt, lying belly-up in the middle of it, and stroking his penis. “I got excited when the moderator brought out guest panelist David Gibbons, but they immediately just started pleasuring themselves and chanting ‘Glory unto the Scarlet Woman!’ in unison over the 12th Aethyr. It was pretty interesting, though, to see my hero mix his ejaculate with his wife’s menstrual blood to create the Elixir Rubeus.” At press time, Donnelly admitted that Moore wasn’t as entertaining as the Game Of Thrones panel featuring George R.R. Martin providing in-depth commentary while masturbating to his favorite scenes from the fantasy television series.
Peyton Manning’s Wife Quietly Asks How Much Longer Papa John Going To Crash On Their Couch #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Frustrated by the heaps of soiled red polo shirts accumulating in her living room, Peyton Manning’s wife quietly asked Friday how much longer disgraced fast-food mogul and pitchman “Papa” John Schnatter would be crashing on their couch. “Honey, I didn’t mind when you said it would be a couple of nights, but it’s been over a week now,” said Ashley Thompson Manning, 44, adding that Schnatter seemed alternately depressed and angry and was perhaps not the best role model for their young children. “I understand that he’s one of your best friends, but I think he needs some professional help. I mean, he hasn’t left the sofa or showered since he got here—he just stares off into space and mumbles about ‘better ingredients.’ And I have to back out around his stupid yellow Camaro every time I want to drive anywhere.” At press time, Mrs. Manning issued the ultimatum that “either [Schnatter] goes or I go” after overhearing one of her children using the N-word.
Senate Passes Bipartisan Resolution Preventing Themselves From Stopping Trump #~# WASHINGTON—In a sharp rebuke of the President’s failure to denounce Russia for interfering in the 2016 election, the Senate passed a bipartisan resolution Friday preventing themselves from stopping Trump. “Today, in service to the American people, we set aside our differences and reached across the aisle to send President Trump an important message; we will not be the ones to keep him in check,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, detailing the Congressional Paralyzation Act, which passed in a 98-0 floor vote and decreed that no member of congress shall attempt to impede the President’s actions, regardless of how illegal or immoral. “Finally, after months of infighting and delay, our hands are officially tied when it comes to Donald Trump. The president must understand that we will not, and as of today cannot, do anything to stop him. With the support of our colleagues in the House, we remain steadfast in doing absolutely nothing whatsoever to curb his power.” At press time, Senators who had originally rejected the bill, including Jeff Flake and Susan Collins, had taken to social media to explain why they had ultimately changed their votes to “yes.”
World's Oldest Bread Found At Prehistoric Site In Jordan #~# Charred remains of a flatbread baked 14,500 years ago were found in the Eastern Mediterranean, revealing it was made thousands of years before humans began farming. What do you think?
Scientists Theorize What Earliest Dinosaur Researchers May Have Looked Like #~# BERKELEY, CA—Flexing their imaginations to the limit in an attempt to conceive how the majestic creatures may have lived all those centuries ago, scientists at University of California, Berkeley met Friday to theorize about what the first dinosaur researchers may have looked like. “Of course we can’t create an exact picture, but we can say with some certainty that many were balding at the tops of their heads, they were probably bespectacled, and they likely had some sort of vest or waistcoat and perhaps a pocket watch,” said project lead Maxwell Boxer, whose detailed sketches show the massive 150-200-pound proto-scientists roaming the Earth, reaching a towering 5 feet 9 inches while fully extended on two feet, though many likely appeared shorter while seated on lab stools or hunched over a microscope. “It’s difficult to deduce the primitive paleontologist’s exact diet, as the question hinges on whether they originate from Western Eurasia, Northern Africa, or London, an issue on which many disagree; but evidence suggests they fed during lunch breaks at their native research facilities, possibly making casual small talk with coworkers between bites.” Boxer added that the species is thought to have been prey to the vast majority of coeval homo sapiens due to their small frame, weak arms, and the vulnerability signalled by their lab coats.
Summer Camp Hierarchy Thrown Into Chaos After Second Girl Learns How To French Braid #~# ELIZAVILLE, NY—Speculating as to whether or not the social order could ever regain its stability, witnesses confirmed Thursday that the established interpersonal hierarchy at Camp Eagle Hill had been thrown into turmoil by the emergence of a second girl with practical knowledge of the French braid. “This is completely unprecedented—apparently Chloe watched YouTube tutorials on braiding during Tech Ed the other day, and now she and Natalie are locked in a soft-power struggle over the 12 bunks of Mallard Cabin,” said camp counselor Yvonne Ferris, carefully observing as a group of campers, moving uncannily like a school of small, brightly colored fish, drifted away from the former holder of the braiding monopoly and crossed the mess hall towards the enigmatic new granter of intricate coiffures. “It’s not just Mallard—at least half of Canvasback has now thrown their full loyalty behind Chloe. I hear she was tacitly endorsed by a lifeguard who once let Natalie braid her hair during swim break—a complete transgression against precedent. We’re one tight updo away from complete anarchy.” At press time, protocol had been further disrupted by the spreading news that Cara, the new girl, had arrived with her hair in a perfect and reportedly self-administered fishtail braid.
FBI Reveals Maria Butina Traded Sex In Exchange For All 62,984,828 Votes Trump Received In 2016 #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that their investigation indicated her involvement in election interference went deeper than previously believed, the FBI revealed Thursday that Russian agent Maria Butina traded sex in exchange for all 62,984,828 votes Donald Trump received for president in 2016. “Our inquiry into Ms. Butina recently lead us to documents showing that while acting as a Kremlin asset, she approached every single registered voter in the country and, ultimately, exchanged sexual favors for each of the nearly 63 million votes President Trump received,” said FBI spokesperson Fred Rawlings, adding that the investigation had also concluded that every single dollar Trump received from donors such as Robert Mercer, Sheldon Adelson, and Linda McMahon was given as compensation for sex with Butina. “Beginning in at least 2011, Ms. Butina successfully established back channels with a significant portion of the nation’s 235 million citizens of voting age, ultimately trading enough sex to win Mr. Trump the election. It was clearly a fairly sophisticated operation, as Ms. Butina used intelligence gathered about American voters to target people willing to exchange their vote for sex in specific, crucial swing areas such as the upper Midwest, Pennsylvania, and North Carolina as Election Day approached. Our conclusions are clear: Without Ms. Butina’s sexual favors, Mr. Trump doesn’t win the election.” FBI officials added that the investigation into Butina’s involvement concurred with the intelligence community’s earlier findings that Hillary Clinton’s campaign likely lost the 2016 election because it did not offer enough sex to voters.
Comic-Con 2018 Kicks Off #~# Comic-Con, the nation’s premier comics convention, kicks off this year’s iteration with previews of The Predator, Doctor Who, and the new slate of DC comic book movies. What do you think?
Paralyzed Man Determined To Still Live Normal Sedentary Life #~# NORTH HAMPTON, MA—Saying that he wouldn’t let his disability define him, recently paralyzed man Matthew Sabourne told reporters Thursday he was determined to maintain his normal sedentary lifestyle despite his new physical challenges. “I caught a tough break with the accident, but I’ll be damned if I let this injury stop me from getting out of bed every afternoon, plopping down on the couch, and binge-watching Netflix for eight hours just like any other able-bodied person,” said Sabourne, 29, who vowed to maintain his previous diet of nonstop fast food and carbonated beverages. “I will not let this wheelchair get in the way of my personal or professional life, at least any more than my recliner did before. As soon as I finish my FIFA season, I’m turning off my PlayStation, hitting the job market, and  landing a regular gig where I can sit in front of a computer all day long.” Sabourne has reportedly stayed true to his goals, recently storming out of a physical therapy appointment after his trainer pointed out that treatment required him to deviate from a normal exercise-free routine.
FDA Defends Decision To Reclassify Alternative Milks As ‘Nut Sweat’ #~# SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Addressing concerns that the naming practice could unfairly bias consumers against the products, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a statement Thursday strongly defending the decision to reclassify alternative milks as “nut sweat.” “While we hope this new labeling helps clarify shopping choices, it’s important to note Americans are still free to enjoy nut sweat over their cereal in the morning or drink a refreshing glass of nut sweat as a snack,” said FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb, adding that the agency’s decision to adopt “nut sweat” labeling was not an attack on the product itself, stressing that options such as almond nut sweat and cashew nut sweat still offer heart-healthy choices. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with making yourself a protein shake chock-full of nut sweat or letting your children consume a cup or two of nut sweat during the day. In fact, going forward, I’m sure we’ll be seeing quite a few nut sweat mustaches.” Gottlieb added that although it was no longer legal to stock nut sweat next to milk in the dairy aisle, he expressed confidence that consumers would adjust to finding the product in the housewares and cosmetics sections of supermarkets.
Man Unsure Whether To Tip Bathroom Attendant Just For Wiping His Ass #~# NORFOLK, VA—Saying that the task is the sort of thing he usually prefers to do himself, restaurant customer Ryan Brooks admitted Thursday that he was unsure if he should tip the attendant in the bathroom of Norfolk’s Old Town Steakhouse simply for wiping his ass. “Not to belittle the guy’s job, but all he did was rip off a section of toilet paper and swab my ass,” Brooks said of the employee, who he categorized as “kind of pushy, actually,” regarding his behavior of cleaning Brooks’ soiled anus without waiting for Brooks to either request or object to the service. “Then he’s looking me in the eye, like, expectantly, so I kind of have to throw him a couple bucks, right? It’s a little awkward, but I guess this is what happens when you go to a fancy restaurant.” Brooks later confessed that while he knew the attendant was fishing for a tip, it was actually “kind of nice” when he pulled up Brooks’ underwear and zipped his fly.
Facebook Apologizes For Giving Mark Zuckerberg A Platform #~# MENLO PARK, CA—In response to criticism about the social network’s failure to address the spread of falsehoods and offensive content on its site, Facebook apologized Thursday for giving Mark Zuckerberg a platform. “Lies and harassment have absolutely no place on Facebook, and we want to express our deep regret at offering someone like Mark Zuckerberg a space to spread his clearly abhorrent views,” said Monika Bickert, Facebook’s head of global policy management, adding that the company wanted to clarify any lingering doubt over its previous statements by issuing a full-throated condemnation of Mark Zuckerberg. “While someone’s intent isn’t always clear, there are some kinds of speech that are plainly beyond the pale and only meant to hurt or defame, and that’s obviously the case when we look at the types of things Mark Zuckerberg says. We support free speech, but there is a limit to First Amendment rights, and that limit is Mark. Providing Mark Zuckerberg a platform goes against all the values upon which Facebook was founded.” Bickert added that Facebook’s policy team was working around the clock to delete hundreds of thousands of offensive posts made or shared by Mark Zuckerberg.
CNN Anchors Speechless After Guest Goes On Long, Coherent Thought #~# NEW YORK—CNN Anchors Brooke Baldwin and Dana Bash reportedly sat speechless Thursday after their guest Dr. Gina Jimenez went on a long, coherent thought, unleashing a tirade of articulate points completely relevant to the topic at hand. “Dr. Jimenez, if I could just quickly interrupt you for a moment—could you please go back and rephrase that last remark as a bit more of a muddled, unhinged rant?” said Bash, breaking the moment of stunned silence that resulted after the Stanford constitutional law professor laid out a clear thesis backed up by logically consistent supporting arguments, all while maintaining a calm and pleasant demeanor throughout. “We’ll remind you that this is live television, Dr. Jimenez, and that there are people watching at home. As such, we just ask that you find a way to communicate your ideas in a less civilized, more exciting way.” At press time, Baldwin and Bash were exasperatedly repeating their requests for Jimenez to please start raising her voice.
Black Man At Walgreens Impressed By How Attentively Employees Tailing Him #~# PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would not have been able to shake the eagle-eyed clerks even if he had wanted to, local black man Mike Chambers confirmed Thursday he was pretty impressed by how attentively Walgreens employees were tailing him. “Usually when I’m in a store, the cashiers just watch me from a distance while pretending to stock an endcap display, but these guys are doing a top-notch job of hovering right behind me the whole time,” said Chambers, 35, admitting that while he was greatly offended by the racial profiling, he couldn’t help but marvel at the lengths to which the employees went to avoid letting him out of their sight as he perused toothpaste brands and selected a bottle of ibuprofen. “Every time I round an aisle, another person is right there, pointedly asking if they can help me find something. They’re real pros here, really thorough. I can only assume it’s because of their training.” At press time, sources reported that Chambers had paid for his items and taken three steps toward the exit before the store manager stopped him and asked to examine his receipt.
Trump Backtracks On Siding With Russia Over U.S. Intelligence Community, Saying He Misspoke #~# Facing bipartisan pushback for the recent statement, President Trump now says he misspoke and meant to say he saw “no reason why it wouldn’t be” Russia who interfered in the 2016 election, rather than “would be.” What do you think?
Paul Ryan Worried History May Judge Him Harshly For Failure To Confront Tyrannical Food Stamp Abusers #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing concern that he had not done enough to stop the oppressive Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters Wednesday that he was worried history may judge him harshly for his failure to confront the ruthless tyranny of government food stamp abusers. “What will I say when my grandchildren ask, ‘What did Grandpa Paul do to prevent those cruel and remorseless monsters from collecting $125 per month to spend at the supermarket?’” asked Ryan, who hopes he won’t be viewed as a coward by future generations for not speaking out sooner against the powerful children, seniors, and disabled people who comprise the majority of SNAP’s 40 million low-wage recipients. “How can I sleep at night knowing there are still despotic poor families out there buying groceries and other basic necessities totally unimpeded? God, it just kills me.” At press time, a resolute Ryan decided wallowing accomplishes nothing and resolved to focus his remaining time as House Speaker on saving the country from the iron-fisted rule of impoverished Americans.
Mueller Reveals Russia Investigation Just Elaborate Sting To Nail Clinton Child Sex-Slavery Ring  #~# WASHINGTON—Lauding President Trump for his invaluable role in the operation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller informed the public Wednesday that his so-called Russia investigation was in fact merely a cover for an elaborate sting to bring down the Clinton family’s child sex-slavery ring. “The Justice Department has finally been able to track down and arrest everyone associated with the Clinton Foundation’s unconscionable crimes, and it’s all thanks to President Trump agreeing to work undercover and play along with our fabricated accusations of Russian interference in the 2016 election,” said Mueller, explaining that after its agent Seth Rich was killed by the Clintons, the department recruited Trump to distract high-ranking Democrats with social media stunts, continuous denials of Russian involvement in U.S. politics, and glowing praise for Vladimir Putin. “Without the president’s help, we never would have been able to keep the guise of the ‘Russia investigation’ going long enough to launch our successful raids of Comet Ping Pong and secret locations in Haiti—efforts that ultimately brought the Clintons’ human-trafficking crimes to light. Thanks to the heroic actions of Donald Trump, we can all sleep a little more soundly tonight, knowing the world’s children are safe.” Mueller went on to thank the numerous media personalities and Republican lawmakers who first pointed out to federal investigators that the real problem lay in Hillary Clinton’s missing emails.
Obama Criticizes Trump In Address To Honor Nelson Mandela's 100th Birthday #~# In a speech on Nelson Mandela’s birthday, former President Obama warned of “strongman politics” in a veiled criticism of President Trump. What do you think?
Papa John’s Founder Launches New Chain Of Fast-Casual Segregated Lunch Counters #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to turn over a new leaf after being ousted from his own company last week, Papa John’s founder John Schnatter announced plans Wednesday to launch a new chain of fast-casual segregated lunch counters across the Deep South. “I just want to get back to the basics of making good, home-cooked dishes for white folks,” said Schnatter, noting that a huge, untapped market existed for high-quality, classic diner food served in an environment free of blacks. “This was really my vision when I first became a restaurant owner, so it’s kind of a blessing that things turned out the way they did. Our first luncheonette is up and running in Birmingham, and we hope to open 15 locations across Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, and Mississippi by December—so be sure to keep your eyes peeled for a ‘whites only’ sign coming to a town near you.” At press time, Schnatter revealed that he had already finalized a 10-year deal to become the official segregated lunch counter of the NFL.
Bill & Melinda Gates Shocked To Learn Ghanaian School Never Intended To Pay Back Money Lent To Them #~# SEATTLE, WA—Calling their intended investment “$20 million down the goddamn drain,” philanthropist Bill Gates and wife Melinda released a statement Wednesday saying they were shocked to learn that the Akantome Elementary School in Ejura, Ghana had neither a plan in place nor indeed any intention to return funds borrowed in 2008 to establish the institution. “What kind of deadbeat takes money from someone and simply doesn’t give it back?” Gates asked of the Sekyedumase District primary school and community center erected with the help of what they refer to as his “extremely generous loan” for which the business magnate expected to be repaid in total, plus interest. “When they pitched me on building a school where kids could receive an education in secure classrooms with adequate furniture and sufficient educational materials, I assumed I’d be spotting them at 6 percent over five years. They apparently thought I was giving them a present, I guess out of the fucking kindness of my heart? Unbelievable. Let’s cut the shit: we’ve given them a decade to come correct and now it’s time to wet our beaks.” Gates added that his family has been able to cushion the loss with millions of dollars in interest paid monthly by hundreds of other schools, libraries, and hospitals across Africa.
New Aphasia Study Finds Empty Fullness Brokered Yellow Ideas Happily #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Signaling a major breakthrough in the field of round electric pungent brick merriment, a new aphasia study released by the University of California, San Francisco’s Department of Integrative Neuroscience Wednesday found that empty fullness brokered yellow ideas happily. “After carefully examining the test results of multiple subjects, we have found convincing evidence that squirrel bright exchange guarded sweater aligned coral mushy,” said head neuroscientist David Liebowitz, adding that there was a strong correlation between envelope caress cardboard hot chasing marauded, which suggested that purple string angry wheeled connection Ecuadorian masterful. “Our data point to wet political bright melancholy devices vegetables across all subjects, regardless of stomach focus pallet kernel potted maligned automatic. In fact, some of our research even showed leather green cut preamble returned.” The report later went on to conclude had had had had had had had had.
Scientists Bring Dying Organs Back To Life #~# Researchers have discovered they can restore organ cells to life by injecting them with mitochondria in a method that they have already used to help human infants with heart defects. What do you think?
France Wins World Cup #~# France triumphed over the underdog Croatian team 4-2 to earn its second World Cup title, and first since hosting the tournament in 1998. What do you think?
Senate Leaders Warn It Too Early To Discuss Trump #~# WASHINGTON—In response to public outcry over his recent controversial press conference with Russian president Vladimir Putin, Senate leaders cautioned Tuesday that it was far too early to discuss Trump. “We understand that many Americans may not agree with everything the president says, but these calls for the Senate to start conversing or thinking about Trump are entirely premature,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY), echoing sentiments from fellow Democratic leaders and several Republicans that it would be rash and self-defeating to bring up Trump in the Senate without ample reason to do so. “We’re aware that a few members of the House of Representatives have initiated proceedings to raise the idea of Trump, but what activists and left-leaning politicians need to remember is that impulsively throwing around the concept of Trump will likely do much more harm than good. At this point, there’s just no evidence that we should mention the word ‘Trump’ in the Senate at all.” Schumer also warned that historical precedent had revealed there was very little benefit to be gained from discussing a sitting president in an election year.
World Wonders What Trump Has On United States That’s Forcing Nation To Keep Him In Power #~# EARTH—Assuming the controversial president of the United States must be in possession of potentially damning information concerning his home country in order to keep them so completely under his control, the rest of the world wondered aloud Tuesday about exactly what Trump has on America that compels the nation to keep him in power. “Whoa, he must have some real bad dirt on the U.S. populace for them to just let him get away with so much unconscionable bullshit. You have to wonder what he knows,” said billions of world inhabitants outside of President Trump’s jurisdiction, further speculating that the only possible explanation for the continued deference of American elected officials, American media, and American citizens to an obviously corrupt and incompetent leader would be Trump’s possession of damaging information that could take down the entire country. “There’s no way a truly proud and free nation would put up with this if Trump weren’t blackmailing them with something really, really bad—something so unspeakably heinous that it would destroy their country if anyone found out. Otherwise, why wouldn’t they nail this asshole to a burning outhouse?” At press time, the world was experiencing a sinking feeling that Trump may have compromising information on them as well.
New Tesla Model 3 Goes From Zero To Engulfed In Flames In 3.5 Seconds #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Boasting that drivers and critics alike would be awed by the car’s pyrotechnic performance, Elon Musk announced Tuesday that every new Tesla Model 3 sold would be capable of going from zero to engulfed in flames in just 3.5 seconds. “The Model 3 is the most efficient, fastest-burning passenger car available for under $40,000,” said Musk, noting that while previous models needed at least five seconds to reach total combustion, the updated “Ludicrous Temperatures” mode in the Model 3 sends flames shooting through the passenger cabin mere moments after the driver steps on the gas pedal. “Our engineers have designed an innovative, highly responsive, fully electric vehicle that we’re confident in calling the most volatile in its class. Once the fireworks start, Tesla’s unique combination of chemical and electrical flames are three times as persistent as archaic gasoline fires. And the Model 3’s increased range gives our customers the freedom to incinerate themselves farther from home. In these uncertain times, we’re confident in saying the Tesla Model 3 is truly the car of the future.” Tesla’s new line of semitrucks is reportedly expected to explode onto the freight-hauling scene in early 2019.
Distraught Mueller Burns Every Piece Of Evidence In Case After Hearing Trump’s Critique Of U.S. Intelligence Community #~# WASHINGTON—Tossing a lit match on the assemblage of kerosene-doused case files, transcripts, and seized hard drives, Special Counsel Robert Mueller burned every piece of evidence in his investigation into 2016 election interference Tuesday after hearing President Trump’s pointed critique of the U.S. intelligence community. “God, I can’t believe I’ve wasted more than a year of my life working on something the president thinks is foolish, dumb, and—worst of all—a distraction,” said a visibly upset Mueller, shaking his head as he reminded himself to drop all charges against Paul Manafort and anyone who was arrested or pleaded guilty during the investigation before feeding hundreds of pages of warrants, subpoenas, and indictments into the raging flames. “It’s a real shame because I thought I was getting close to something with those Trump Organization wiretaps, but when the president says you’re being reckless, you listen. Frankly, I just hope he takes Putin up on his incredible offer to work with the Kremlin on a more honest investigation.” At press time, Mueller’s actions had been applauded by the heads of the FBI, CIA, and NSA, who also announced plans to immediately suspend their operations pending review by the White House.
Supporters Praise Trump For Upholding Traditional American Value Of Supporting Murderous Dictators For Political Gain #~# WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of the president’s controversial meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin in Finland, supporters reportedly praised Donald Trump Tuesday for upholding the traditional American value of supporting murderous dictators for political gain. “It is a proud moment in American history to witness President Trump embracing one of our most cherished principles by ingratiating himself with a foreign tyrant in the service of advancing his political goals,” said Layton, UT resident Carl Fredericks, echoing thunderous approval from dozens of the president’s allies in Congress and the media, as well as millions of voters around the country, for using a meeting with the leader of a repressive regime as an opportunity to get on his good side. “What we saw from President Trump at the summit was an outstanding commitment to maintaining our proud national tradition of cozying up to brutal dictators and sweeping their crimes against humanity under the rug if it’s politically expedient to do so. When Trump chose to side with a murderous despot who has violently eliminated his enemies, cracked down on civil liberties, and caused widespread suffering among his people, he showed beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s an American president in the mold of his predecessors. He’s a true patriot.” In addition, Trump’s supporters praised him for his continued efforts to uphold the longstanding presidential tradition of getting America involved in foreign conflicts they were in no way prepared for out of sheer arrogance and hubris.
Most Infamous Cults In History #~# People have long been fascinated by cults, and by what possesses someone to join these tightly knit, secretive, and often violent social groups. The Onion looks back at the most infamous cults in history. 
Man Feels Less Guilty About Gentrifying Eastern European Neighborhood #~# CHICAGO—Although his move comes on a wave of rising rents and shifting demographics, area man Blake Joyner felt only moderately guilty this week about his role in gentrifying a historically Eastern European neighborhood. “Don’t get me wrong, people of Eastern European descent face their fair share of problems, but I definitely sleep easier at night knowing I didn’t displace a group I think of as actually marginalized. People who see me in this neighborhood might actually think I grew up here,” said the 26-year-old gentrifier, who was “pretty sure” he could link his family’s lineage to Poland. “I was pretty bummed when they bulldozed that Latvian Orthodox church to make room for the mixed-use condos, but we’ll get Starbucks on the ground level of the building, so, you know. Plus, there’s a church on practically every street here, so I’m sure these people will be fine.” At press time, Joyner was making friends with his new neighbors by helping an elderly Lithuanian woman load her belongings into a U-Haul for her move to Little Kingston, a predominantly Jamaican neighborhood.
Theresa May: Trump Told Me To Sue The EU #~# British prime minister Theresa May revealed that President Trump told her to “sue the EU” in order to successfully complete Brexit, but noted she thought the suggestion was “too brutal.” What do you think?
Woman Informs Husband That He Made New Friend #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting that the two had really seemed to hit it off at the neighborhood barbeque, Sheila Glaspy informed her husband Mark that he had made a brand-new friend, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, you had a great time talking to Dennis tonight,” Glaspy told her husband, commenting that Mark and his new friend must share many common interests, and perhaps even hobbies, to spend so much time chatting around the snack table. “I’m impressed that you struck up a friendship so quickly, honey! And you’ll get to hang out with your brand-new buddy next Saturday, because [Dennis’ wife] Kathy told me he’ll be at the happy hour over at the Foreside Tavern for a work thing.” At press time, Glaspy was telling her husband that she would give his new friend’s wife a call to see if Dennis would be free to see a movie with Mark sometime next week.
GOP Leaders Move Goalposts On Opposing Trump To Him Being Filmed Masturbating On U.S. Flag In Arlington Cemetery #~# WASHINGTON—Promising citizens that they would finally take action if the President crossed this new red line, GOP leaders announced Monday that they were moving their goalposts for opposing Trump to him being filmed masturbating on an American flag in Arlington National Cemetery. “After today’s attack on U.S. intelligence agencies, we have officially moved our line in the sand to President Trump being caught on video, vigorously pleasuring himself to completion amid the graves of fallen U.S. soldiers,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who claimed that in order for Republican officials to begin blocking Trump’s nominations or voting against his policies, the video must be at least a half hour of the president with his pants around his ankles, humming the national anthem, and giving the middle finger to the Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier. “Unless we see clear footage of President Trump looking into the camera, his face twisting in pleasure as he climaxes, we will refrain from taking any concrete measures to reel him in. If Trump is masturbating on a flag anywhere other than Arlington, or if he does not ejaculate directly on Old Glory, we will continue to stand behind him. And if fewer than 100 eyewitnesses see him engaged in the masturbation, we will dismiss it as hearsay. Of course, it goes without saying that if he claims it was a joke, all will be forgiven.” McConnell added that Republicans would stand firm on their new line for President Trump except in the extraordinary circumstance of another open seat on the Supreme Court.
Trump Sits Down With Putin #~# Amid mounting findings about Russian interference in the 2016 election, President Trump will sit down with Vladimir Putin in an attempt to normalize relations and improve bilateral ties. What do you think?
New ICE Agent Establishes Dominance By Beating Up Biggest Child Prisoner On First Day #~# MCALLEN, TX—In an effort to teach other juvenile detainees to keep their distance, newly hired ICE agent Kevin Michelson revealed this week that he had established dominance on his first day by beating up the biggest child prisoner he could find. “Just to make sure the pecking order in this place is crystal clear, I started out the day by going up to this huge 7-year-old in his holding cell and just knocking the shit out of him,” said Michelson, who expressed confidence that none of the other child prisoners would mess with him after witnessing the beat-down he dealt to the “absolutely massive” first-grader. “This kid was giant, too. Must have been 4 feet 2 inches, 85 pounds at least—so you know he commanded respect. Thank God he went down easy with a couple pops and a blow from a nightstick. Otherwise, who knows what kind of hassles those child prisoners would be giving me.” Michelson added that while he felt secure in his newly earned status, he would still not hesitate to mace a 6-month-old prisoner who had been giving him the stink eye.
Poll Finds 97% Of Americans Don’t Know Who Donald Trump Is #~# WASHINGTON—With results that were consistent across every demographic group in all 50 states, a poll published Monday by the Pew Research Center revealed that 97 percent of U.S. citizens do not know who Donald Trump is. “When interviewed, the overwhelming majority of Americans did not recognize Donald Trump’s name, did not know he was associated with the federal government, and were unable to state whether he was a living person or a historical figure,” said pollster Jason Costello, adding that an even greater proportion of survey respondents, 99 percent, could not point to the correct picture when presented with photographs of the president and three other people. “Approximately 89 percent of the individuals we questioned merely shrugged or shook their heads upon hearing the words ‘Donald Trump,’ while 7 percent said the name sounded vaguely familiar, but they couldn’t quite place it. Another 2 percent incorrectly identified Trump as the owner of the Dallas Cowboys.” The survey also discovered that an alarming 18 percent of Americans were unable to name current Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue.
Bodybuilder Strong, But Now What? #~# AMES, IA—Staring wistfully in the mirror as he flexed his tanned, oversized muscles, local bodybuilder Jai Dragovich told reporters Monday that ever since he became sufficiently strong, he couldn’t help but wonder: now what? “I’ve been so busy finding out how much weight I could lift that I never paused to ask if this is what I should be doing with my life,” said Dragovich, who added that even though he’d recently hit his target weight of 260 pounds and was down to 2 percent body fat, he wasn’t sure what to do with it all now, or what to use it for. “Do I just keep lifting heavier and heavier things? Do I use my strength to murder someone? God, I look so scary now. I guess I’m just locked into this never-ending cycle of weightlifting until I eventually die.” At press time, Dragovich had reportedly wiped off his body oil and left his home, telling sources that there must be more to life than just building muscle, and goddammit, he was going to find it.
Elon Musk Insists He’d Be Much More Innovative Pedophile Than Thailand Rescue Worker #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Doubling down on a recent controversial statement he made about a British cave diver who helped free a youth soccer team from a cave in Thailand, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reportedly insisted Monday that he would be a much more innovative pedophile than rescue worker Vernon Unsworth. “Look, the only insulting thing I was trying to say when I called that guy a pedo was that he represents a laughably simplistic, outdated form of child molesting that is badly in need of disruption from Silicon Valley leaders like myself,” said Musk in a Twitter thread, expressing confidence that he could develop a state-of-the-art, bleeding-edge system for pederasty that would dwarf anything that a conventional “luddite” like Unsworth could even imagine. “I’m not saying I’m going to molest children, but if I did, you’d better believe it would be with a system that would save you the long, time-consuming, and expensive trips to Thailand like this guy takes, one that can deliver attractive Thai youths right to your door. Rest assured that if I wanted to, I could build a scalable global network using the most advanced artificial-intelligence technology to offer maximum efficiency, variety, and convenience to deviants and sickos anywhere in the world.” At press time, a new company Musk launched to build a more innovative system for pedophilia was already valued at $18 billion.
Report: Therapist Just Saying That To Make You Feel Better #~# HOBOKEN, NJ—Shining new light on the words that offered you comfort just moments ago, a report released Monday found that your therapist was actually only saying that to make you feel better. According to sources, the debilitating self-hatred you feel is based in real problems you should address immediately, and it’s just that your therapist obviously can’t say that. Sources confirmed that she feeds that same tired line about “being gentle with yourself” to all of her patients. Your therapist knows you can’t handle the truth, which is reportedly why she said “That sounds really tough,” instead of “You deserve to be inundated with negative, looping thoughts fueled by a lifelong sense of aimless guilt you can’t shake,” which is the real truth. The report concluded that your therapist may not have even been saying that to make you feel better, after all, but simply to buy some time until she can get the hell out of there and stop talking to you.
Total Idiot Resorting To Tribalism Decades Before Climate Catastrophe Makes It Necessary #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—Spurning the more moderate opinions of those he now regards as outsiders, total idiot Rick Thomas resorted Monday to tribalism decades before the inevitable climate catastrophe makes it necessary, confirmed sources close to the dipshit. “There’s a war going on out there, and a man has got to choose his people carefully,” the overreacting jackass told his neighbors yesterday, at least 10 years before extreme temperatures and water shortages force him to retreat to the woods with a close-knit group of survivors and forage for whatever resources may remain. “I’m sorry, but me and my people no longer have time for someone who doesn’t agree with us on this. People need to start paying attention and educate themselves because what’s going on right now is a disaster in the making. Join now, or be on the wrong side of history.” At press time, the fuckwit returned home to further jump the gun by looking for like-minded individuals on a social media platform that would not cease to exist until the food riots of 2021.
Hundreds Of Rowdy Starship Crews Disembark In NYC During Intergalactic Fleet Week #~# NEW YORK—Materializing, deorbiting, and making Earthfall by the thousands, rowdy and unruly starship crews from all corners of the transhuman sphere began arriving in New York City to participate in Intergalactic Fleet Week 2018, terrestrial sources confirmed Monday. “We’ve had to upgrade our security big-time,” said Mike Asch, owner of the infamous lower east side bar The 13th Step, noting that trouble was inevitable when the Star Command boys from Centaurus B start drinking shot-for-shot with the Arachnimorphs of Scorpius’ NGC-6302 nebula. “I mean, these roughnecks just spent a few months jaunting through witchspace and eating freeze-dried soy compounds—I get it, they definitely deserve to blow off a little steam. As long as they keep their pseudopods to themselves and don’t pull a blaster, I’m fine with it.” Though Asch said Intergalactic Fleet Week has certainly earned its raucous reputation, the yearly affair nevertheless holds a special significance for the pubman as he met his wife, 43-century-old Rezlaak Asch-Xanderfuld, during Fleet Week Ganymede in 1997.
Man Keeps Having Same Experience Where He Shows Up To Work Naked #~# NEW YORK—Describing the occurrences as super realistic and disturbing, local man Brett DeMonte told reporters Friday that he keeps having the same experience where he shows up to work naked. “It’s the same situation every time: I get to the office, and when I look down, I realize that I’m standing completely bare-assed in the middle of the room, and all of my coworkers are pointing and laughing at me,” said DeMonte, adding that though some details change from one episode to the next, like who’s in the room at the time or what day of the week it is, they always end with him being sent home by his boss to put some clothes on. “I don’t know what they mean, but it’s really starting to freak me out. They could be stress-related, or maybe something I ate is causing them. I just hope I don’t have another one tomorrow.” DeMonte added that it reminds him of a time in high school when he had recurring incidents like these for almost two weeks straight.
Report: Modern-Day Pablo Escobar Smuggles One-Hitter Into Music Festival #~# CADOTT, WI—Passing utterly undetected through a complex cordon of bag checks, signage specifically prohibiting drug use, and three-second upper-body pat-downs by bored part-time security personnel, modern-day Pablo Escobar and mid-level systems analyst Patrick Quaid successfully smuggled a one-hitter containing 0.2 grams of low-grade marijuana into Rock Fest late Thursday. “It was touch-and-go for a minute there,” said the contemporary El Patrón, who served as his own mule in the complex “single-blind” scheme by storing the single-use pipe in his sock, a location where he reasoned drug paraphernalia are not usually found, and acting like nothing whatsoever out of the ordinary was happening. “In the end, it went perfectly smooth. Don’t know what I was so worried about.” At press time, Quaid had yet to retrieve the contraband from his sock, being too busy politely declining offers of joints from the hundreds of other modern-day Pablo Escobars in the crowd for Sevendust.
Kavanaugh Nomination Falters After Washington Post Publishes Shocking Editorial Claiming He Forgot Daughter’s Piano Recital #~# WASHINGTON—In a move that experts believe could upend the confirmation of President Trump’s second Supreme Court justice, the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh had reportedly begun to falter Friday after The Washington Post published a shocking editorial claiming he neglected to attend his eldest daughter’s piano recital in the fall of 2013. “This is exactly the sort of bombshell that a lot of conservative analysts have been worried about,” said NPR political reporter Asma Khalid, noting that several key Republican senators were questioning their endorsement after learning the D.C. Circuit judge had flagrantly decided to work late at the office instead of listening to his then-8-year-old daughter plunk out “The Sleepy Cat” for an audience of students, parents, and faculty. “Susan Collins of Maine, for instance, has already signaled that she has serious doubts about Kavanaugh’s commitment to protecting women’s rights if, as reported, it took him until the following morning to view the iPad footage of his own daughter’s culminating musical performance. Though supporters will claim he put the wrong date in his Google calendar or that he ran into traffic on the way to the school, this black mark on his record has many concerned that Kavanaugh simply does not have the judgment or moral integrity to serve on the nation’s highest court.” Khalid also cautioned that Kavanaugh’s nomination should not be counted out entirely, pointing to a blistering Wall Street Journal opinion piece that failed to derail Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s nomination despite persuasively arguing that she is of Hispanic descent.
Buckingham Palace Guards Impressed By First Lady’s Ability To Never Crack Smile #~# LONDON—Saying the first lady’s skills were of the highest caliber he’d ever witnessed, Buckingham Palace guard Robert Addington told reporters Thursday that he was impressed by Melania Trump’s ability to never crack a smile on her visit to London. “There were all sorts of people waving in her face and yelling things at her, hoping that she would break, but she managed to hold that same stern, emotionless expression the entire time. It was incredible,” said Addington, who was in awe over how, even when Prime Minister Theresa May attempted to make Melania Trump laugh or smile with a joke or by giving her a compliment, not one single muscle moved in the first lady’s face. “Sentries go through months of training to maintain that kind stoicism, and Mrs. Trump’s abilities just blow us out of the water; she’s a natural. It’s inspiring. Even when the president put his arm around her at one point to take a photo, she didn’t flinch. If anything, she just became even more detached.” Addington, who said that there was one point where he almost thought he saw Mrs. Trump relax into a smile after the President walked several feet away from her, acknowledged that it was just his eyes playing tricks on him.
Peter Strzok Summoned Before Congress Again For Texts Calling Trey Gowdy ‘A Pissy Little Shithead’ #~# WASHINGTON—Following immediately on the heels of his hearing before the House Judiciary and Oversight committees, FBI agent Peter Strzok was again summoned to testify before Congress Thursday about texts calling Trey Gowdy a “pissy little shithead.” “Now what exactly did you mean when you said Trey Gowdy was a ‘dickless fuck-weasel who couldn’t investigate his way out of a goddamn paper bag’?” asked Judiciary Chairman Bob Goodlatte during an oftentimes heated exchange in which Strzok defended sending numerous text messages to former FBI attorney Lisa Page that referred to the Republican Congressman from South Carolina as a “slavering, knuckle-dragging dipshit.” “Mr. Strzok, I have a message here from today at 11:45 a.m. in which you call Representative Gowdy a ‘reprobate fuckface whose biggest claim to fame is pissing away $8 million of taxpayer money for a dumbass, partisan circle-jerk,’ suggesting that this level of bias existed from the earliest stages of this morning’s questions. There are dozens more messages just like this, calling our distinguished colleague a ‘pointless fuckwad’ and a ‘moronic scumbag’ that I would like submitted for the record.” At press time, Goodlatte had called for Strzok to be held in contempt for refusing to answer questions about how far he believed Gowdy’s head was up his own ass.
Papa John’s Removes N-Word From Menus #~# JEFFERSONTOWN, KY—Apologizing for its use of the racial epithet, president and CEO of Papa John’s Pizza Steve Ritchie announced Thursday that the company would be removing the N-word from all restaurant menus. “No matter the context, there is no place for that offensive word in our ‘Create Your Own Pizza’ section or our ‘Signature Specialties,’” said Ritchie, adding that though the derogatory items were not being directed at anyone in particular, they do not express or reflect the business’s values or beliefs. “We truly regret any pain this hurtful and inappropriate language has caused anyone ordering at any of our more than 4,700 franchise locations. We will always continue to stand behind our product with its superior, quality ingredients and toppings, and we promise that even though the menu has changed, that great Papa John’s taste will remain the same.” At press time, Papa John’s unveiled plans to add three new “Excessive Force” dipping sauce flavors to the “Extras” menu.
Stressed-Out Paul Ryan Uses Cheat Day To Indulge In One Bipartisan Vote #~# WASHINGTON—Indulging his secret weakness for rule-breaking after months of toeing the unbreakable line of Republican politics as usual, Speaker of the House of Representatives Paul Ryan used his monthly cheat day to indulge in one single bipartisan vote. “God, it feels so naughty—it really is naughty—but after weeks of opposing the welfare state on a non-corporate level, I get an incredible rush by voting across the aisle,” said Ryan, noting the “delicious transgressive spice” of joining hands with Democratic members of Congress to fund the Veterans Administration’s efforts to provide mental health counseling for American soldiers who had been wounded in combat. “That was wrong. I know that. But there’s an upside to this—after the thrill of my brief rebellious phase fades, I’ll realize I actually provided help for American citizens, and the anger and regret I feel over that will help keep me on the straight and narrow party line for the rest of the year.” At press time, the House speaker had been sighted on his hands and knees in the street in front of Capitol building, pledging between spasms of dry heaving that he would never let himself slip up like that again.
Love On A Budget #~# Girl, you know I would do whatever it takes to make all your fantasies come true. I would cross a continent. I would cross an ocean. I would even tunnel to the center of the Earth just so I could find that one perfect gemstone, lobster, or ball of lava that would turn an ordinary night into an evening of ultimate perfection.
Tearful Trump Admits NATO Alliance Closest Thing To Friendship He’s Ever Had #~# BRUSSELS—Suddenly overcome by a swell of emotion while rebuking the other members for their unwillingness to share the burden of mutual security obligations, a tearful President Trump admitted Wednesday to his fellow world leaders that the NATO alliance is the closest thing to friendship he’s ever had. “I’m sorry to get so sentimental, but this is really the first time in my life that I’ve ever even come close to experiencing a real sense of camaraderie with other human beings,” said a sniffling Trump, his voice cracking while noting that he can’t remember a time prior to their yearly summits when he felt like he belonged and could be his true self. “I know that we argue and say some really horrible things to each other sometimes, but this relationship I have with all of you is so special to me. The bond that the 29 of us share is my dearest, most cherished possession, and I will treasure it always.” Trump then asked his allies to forgive his emotional display before reminding them that if they don’t put forward the full 4 percent of their GDP for defense, they can “all fucking forget about receiving any U.S. military support in the future.”
Trump Demands NATO Allies Match U.S. Commitment To Prioritizing Military Spending Over Healthcare #~# BRUSSELS—Blasting member states for failing to contribute their “fair share,” President Trump demanded at a summit meeting Wednesday that NATO allies match the U.S. commitment to making military spending a far greater national priority than healthcare. “In the United States, we’ve gone above and beyond to make sure military expenditures are our number one concern above all else, including access to life-saving medications for sick people, and it’s high time other NATO countries did the same,” said Trump, lambasting German chancellor Angela Merkel and other leaders who he remarked “really ought to be spending maybe even 50 percent of their GDP” on defense instead of endlessly sinking funds into essential medical care for their citizens. “It’s absolutely disgraceful how the United States comes in and picks up the slack for these nations who insist on throwing their money away on the prevention and treatment of deadly diseases. It’s an embarrassment, everyone’s laughing at us, and I’ll tell you what—we aren’t going to put up with it anymore.” Representatives from the 28 other NATO countries later issued statements concurring with Trump’s assessment that the United States has become a laughingstock.
Good Scissors Not In The Fucking Drawer #~# LAKE BLUFF, IL—Arguing that there was no conceivable reason they should be anywhere else, local woman Nora Jay confirmed Wednesday that the good scissors weren’t in the fucking drawer where they belonged. “God damn it, where the hell are they? I don’t know how I’m supposed to finish wrapping this birthday present without my one decent pair of scissors,” said Jay, 30, as she tore through her home in search of the Fiskars premier craft scissors she’d paid over $15 for at Michael’s. “I don’t know what asshole moved them from the one fucking place they’re supposed to be, but now I guess I’m going to be forced to make do with the kitchen shears or those shitty little blue ones I got from IKEA. Jesus Christ, these things can barely cut!” At press time, Jay told reporters that she had located the scissors in the other drawer.
Pet Gerbil Has Been Absolutely Crushing It Lately #~# HAGERSTOWN, MD—Acknowledging the rodent’s hot streak over the past few weeks, local man Jackson Ramos confirmed Wednesday that his pet gerbil named Butter has been absolutely crushing it lately. “Rolling around in the clear ball, nibbling pellets, running on his wheel—God, the guy’s just been knocking it out of the fucking park recently,” Ramos said of the rodent, who had reportedly been “bringing its A-game” when it came to climbing the walls of its habitat, playing in a toilet paper roll, and standing up on hind legs to sip from its water bottle. “Up the tube, down the tube, the dude’s killing it. Just the other day, I couldn’t find him and all of a sudden he bursts out of this pile of wood chips. Then he crawled up my arm and just started nipping at my ear. This motherfucker blows our gecko out of the goddamn water.” At press time, sources confirmed that Butter’s magical streak had sadly been broken after an inflated ego had led the gerbil to mess around on the window ledge, fall two stories, and die.
Study Shows Link Between Feelings Of Guilt, Bleeding Man Holding Onto Car Hood Screaming At You To Stop #~# HOUSTON—Concluding the emotional response occurs shortly after the initial crack and thud, a study published Wednesday in The American Journal Of Psychology has discovered a link between feelings of guilt and the bleeding man desperately clinging to your car’s hood, screaming at you to stop the vehicle. 
Eviction Notice All Business #~# NEW YORK—Shocked that the personal correspondence would take such a cold and impersonal tone, delinquent tenant Ross Grimley, 28, found the eviction notice posted on the door of his apartment to be disturbingly all business. “I thought they would at least give me a ‘good morning’ before getting down to brass tacks, but ‘to whom it may concern’ makes it sound like I may not even care about getting kicked out of my own place,” said Grimley, noting that the form letter rudely tacked over his peephole did not even refer to him until the third sentence, and even then only obliquely as “tenant.” “In situations like this, I feel like a little bit of warmth would go a long way, but instead it’s all stilted decorum, ‘pursuant to a written lease’ this and ‘occupancy will be forfeited’ that. I mean, after living here for over a year, you’d think I’d have earned a little human recognition.” Grimley also expressed surprise that his landlord hadn’t learned some manners after the previous two “rather rude” eviction notices were also ignored.
Serena Williams Stripped Of Titles After It Revealed She’s Been Playing With A Racket In Each Hand This Whole Time #~# LONDON—The International Tennis Federation stripped Serena Williams of all titles, trophies, and other acclaimed achievements Tuesday after a painstaking review of her career revealed she has been playing with a tennis racket in each hand since making her professional debut. “Upon analysis of thousands of photos and hundreds of hours of video of her 39 Major title matches, it’s clear Serena has employed two rackets since her professional debut at the ’95 Bell Challenge, granting her a substantial and patently unfair competitive advantage,” said ITF president David Haggerty, acknowledging that the speed and fluidity of Williams’ swings had long confounded tournament organizers, line judges, and opponents alike. “We initially launched an investigation into the matter in 2009 after receiving several anonymous complaints, but results were inconclusive; we now suspect that Serena was holding one racket behind her back during our otherwise intensive questioning.” In a related report, Tiger Woods has been stripped of his 14 major titles after officials discovered Woods has been playing golf with two clubs in each hand.
Man Knows He Can Always Fall Back On Really Terrible Job That Pays Shit #~# NORFOLK, NE—Though currently seeking happier and more generous employment, digital marketing analyst Brandon Owens noted Tuesday that, if necessary, he can always fall back on his current job, a litany of misery that pays absolute dogshit. “I’m really lucky to have the opportunity to make calls and put out feelers at my own pace, as I have the security of a shitassed gig that corrodes my soul and compromises my sanity day after day after day,” Owens said of his current horrendous position at StarCore Communications, which pays him virtually nothing beyond his rent, utilities, groceries, and other basic needs. “Finding openings at a better firm can be pretty slow going, which is why it’s so nice to have a shit-encrusted safety net that clogs my brain with completely pointless and frankly insulting work in the meantime. Most other analysts don’t have the privilege of a cold, depressing piss-hole to curl up in and be exploited with near-illegal working hours while searching for work.” Sources confirmed Owens was optimistic concerning his prospects with regard to a recently posted position, a miserable fucking junior-executive ordeal with 5 percent shittier pay located 10 minutes closer to his apartment.
Woodpecker Having Difficulty Remembering Tree Where He Got The Really Good Bugs That One Time #~# SUCHES, GA—Expressing frustration that he hadn’t made a mental note when he first encountered such a stellar food source, a woodpecker was reportedly having difficulty Tuesday remembering the tree where he got all those really good bugs that one time. “I know it’s somewhere in this stretch of forest, but I can’t for the life of me recall which one of these trees had all those really delicious bugs,” said the 3-year-old pileated woodpecker, flitting from perch to perch as he searched in vain for the rotten wood that had been chock-full of particularly juicy carpenter ants and beetle larvae. “Nope, not this one. The grubs here are all right, but they’re just not in the same league as that super-primo stuff I remember getting around here last time. Dammit, where did it go? I’m pretty sure it was a maple, but I guess it could have been an oak. Ugh, I’m so forgetful.” At press time, the woodpecker speculated that spending every day banging his head repeatedly against tree trunks might be bad for his memory.
Viewers Annoyed Episode Of ‘The Bachelorette’ Interrupted Just To Announce Person Who Will Set Back Social Progress 40 Years #~# YONKERS, NY—Expressing frustration that the popular reality TV series was being preempted to deliver such a humdrum message, viewers of ABC’s The Bachelorette were reportedly annoyed Monday after the episode was interrupted just to announce the person who will set back social progress 40 years. “It’s so obnoxious to have to wait an extra 20 minutes to find out who’s going to get the final four roses just so we can hear some news anchor drone on about the man or woman who will restrict reproductive and LGBTQ rights for decades to come,” said viewer Marsha Calkins, 31, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans who were vexed at having to hear about the nominee who would irretrievably alter the ideological bent of the nation’s final arbiter of justice during such a pivotal late-season episode. “The hometown dates are right around the corner, meaning what happens tonight has significant repercussions for the rest of the season, and I don’t appreciate having to put it all on pause for the whole song and dance about someone who will protect partisan gerrymandering, gut unions, and consolidate conservative power for the remainder of our lifetimes. The fate of Becca’s entire love life could rest on what happens during this trip to the Bahamas!” Calkins expressed hope that this situation could be avoided in the future by Ruth Bader-Ginsburg announcing her retirement well ahead of the Bachelor In Paradise finale in mid-September. 
Experts Warn Transitioning Too Quickly From Work To Vacation Could Cause Decompression Sickness #~# BETHESDA, MD—Explaining that a sudden decrease in pressure could have long-term negative effects on the human body, experts at the National Institutes of Health warned Monday that transitioning too quickly from work to vacation could cause decompression sickness. “After spending a lengthy amount of time in a high-pressure environment, suddenly kicking back without acclimating to the new low-pressure conditions can cause tension in the body to rapidly release and lead to a number of debilitating symptoms,” said NIH researcher Gale Dickson, noting that vacationers who unwind too fast often experience joint pain, dizziness, paralysis, and, in severe cases, even death. “We recommend taking a few days to ease into a restful state by answering a few work emails every couple of hours or breaking up short stints of going to the beach and sitting in front of the television by doing some paperwork. Even just thinking about work as you get more comfortable can maintain a safe level of ambient pressure until your body reaches equilibrium.” Dickson confirmed that after a week of gradual decompression, one should then begin the reverse process in order to avoid any negative effects of abrupt recompression upon returning to work.
Wimbledon Grounds Crew Frustrated After Learning About Cement Courts #~# LONDON—Regretting all the time and energy they wasted caring for the grass lawn, the grounds crew at the All England Club in Wimbledon was reportedly frustrated Monday after learning about the existence of cement tennis courts. “This is painstaking work in the hot sun, trimming and watering every single day. Why didn’t someone just tell us we could pour out cement, paint on some lines, and be done with it?” asked head groundskeeper Neil Stubley, noting that to maintain perfect consistency, they had to aerate and fertilize the grass with scientific accuracy, all of which takes millions of dollars and thousands of hours of labor every year. “We’ve been doing this for decades, just assuming this was the way you had to make a tennis court, and nobody once bothered to tell us about cement. Do you know how temperamental soil is? Not to mention it gets worn down after two days of play and looks like shit. Next year, Wimbledon is going cement.” At press time, Stubley had grown even more furious after learning about the existence of indoor stadiums.
Eco-Conscious Hotel Lets Guests Decide Whether They Want Room’s Towels Washed Before Next Guests Arrive #~# HEALDSBURG, CA—In a continuing effort to minimize the environmental impact of each patron’s stay, eco-conscious hospitality chain h2hotel announced plans Monday to allow those staying in their accommodations to decide whether they want towels, bath mats, and washcloths laundered for the next guests. “Tourism often leads to greater consumption of natural resources than usual, so in order to reduce our water and energy usage, we are giving guests the option to decide whether they want their bath and hand towels washed after they leave,” said h2h communications liaison Lauren Englehardt, adding that customers who want to aid h2hotel in their sustainability mission should hang their towels on the designated rack to remain untouched until the next guests arrive. “Given that bath linens are mostly used for showering, they shouldn’t ever get that dirty. Allowing the next guests to use your still-damp towels is a small gesture that greatly increases our energy efficiency and reduces our carbon footprint. Multiple guests in a row using the same towels without washing them just lets us conserve that much more.” Englehardt also noted that h2hotel extends the same policy to washing bedsheets, cleaning drinking glasses, and replacing bars of soap.
Picky Refugee Just Expects To Be Reunited With Exact Same Family As Before #~# MCALLEN, TX—Expressing frustration with the migrant child’s sense of entitlement, ICE authorities confirmed Monday that picky Honduran refugee Blanca Diaz just expected to be reunited with the exact same family she had before. “We’re already letting you go, and now you think you deserve special treatment and will just be automatically paired with whichever parents you want? Jesus, there’s just no pleasing some people,” said ICE agent Patrick Buecker of the 5-year-old girl who, after being forcibly separated from her parents and sisters at the border, was now “making such a huge deal” about the precise names, ages, and nationalities of the family members with whom she wished to rejoin. “We gave her a perfectly good mother and father and some siblings. They even spoke Spanish, but she just couldn’t let it go that they happened to be from El Salvador. Come on, don’t be such a diva—you’re never going to be happy with such ridiculously high standards.” At press time, Buecker was attempting to appease Diaz by throwing in an extra baby brother if she agreed to just take what was offered to her.
New Ford Pickup Features Extendable Tailgate For Teens Getting Pregnant Beneath Fireworks Display #~# DEARBORN, MI—Saying their best-selling line of full-sized trucks will now have greater appeal to those Americans who enjoy fucking like rabbits in fairgrounds, parking lots, drained quarries, or lake house driveways, Ford has revealed that the new 2019 F-150 will feature an extendable, hydroformed aluminum tailgate designed specifically for teens getting pregnant beneath a Fourth of July fireworks display. “America’s truck leader is excited to finally bring the high school seniors looking to get knocked up at the county fair a new full-sized F-150 pickup perfect for going to town on each other around 7 p.m. when it starts to get dark,” Ford product communications manager Mike Levine said of the truck, which also offers an optional self-leveling package featuring revalved shock absorbers for better rebound control, guaranteeing teenage drivers a smoother, more comfortable experience during even the most haphazard of unprotected truck-bed sex. “Our redesigned, reinforced cargo bed is braced to withstand awkward stop-and-start motions, extends eight feet to accommodate various positions, and is available with a pliant and moisture-resistant bedliner to prevent scraped knees and shoulder blades. And, as always, the F-150 is available with a range of advanced powertrains, allowing them to cross the most rugged terrain to secluded areas where youthful drivers can throw down that tailgate, rip off their jeans and flannel, and screw each other’s brains out while the sky explodes with light.” Levine added that the Super Duty payload-rated at 2,320 pounds, allowing its owner to invite up to 10 passengers to become impregnated in the vehicle at once.
American Cancer Society: Colon Cancer Screenings Should Start At 45 #~# The American Cancer Society’s newly updated recommendations for colon and rectal cancer screening suggest that Americans get screened starting at age 45 instead of 50, as previously advised. What do you think?
Australia Invests $377 Million To Protect Great Barrier Reef #~# Australia made the largest such investment in its history by investing $377 million into protecting the Great Barrier Reef by limiting pollution and improving water conditions. What do you think?
Evolution Definitively Proven As Scientists Capture First-Ever Footage Of Chimpanzee Transforming Into Human #~# BERKELEY, CA—Putting to rest centuries of debate, biologists at the University of California, Berkeley announced Friday that they had obtained incontrovertible proof of evolution after finally capturing footage of a chimpanzee transforming into a human. “We have verified beyond any doubt that our species evolved from apes thanks to a 30-second video that shows a chimpanzee lumbering around on all fours before its joints suddenly snap into place and it begins to walk upright, becoming fully human,” said head researcher Eileen Dudek of the new evidence, which confirms the process put forth in Charles Darwin’s 1859 book On The Origin Of Species by presenting images of an ape as its brain quadruples in size, its muscles weaken, and most of its body hair falls out. “Human evolution has always been strictly theoretical—that is, until we were actually able to watch a modern-day chimp change in a matter of seconds into a Homo habilis, a Homo erectus, a Homo heidelbergensis, and finally a Homo sapien, at which point, it immediately began using more complex tools and speaking with proper syntax. This is the missing link we’ve spent generations searching for.” Scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Biology in Germany also announced they had at long last succeeded in filming a dinosaur as it evolved into a bird.
Trump Disapproval Rating Reaches All-Time None Of This Matters #~# WASHINGTON—Offering an overview of Americans’ opinions of the commander in chief’s job performance, a new poll released Friday indicated that President Trump’s disapproval rating had reached an all-time none of this matters. The report, released by who really cares which of the utterly useless polling firms and corroborated by several leading increasingly feckless news organizations, confirmed that well over half of those surveyed for really no goddamn reason. In addition, the poll found strong support for who gives a shit, it’s just a bunch of fucking numbers. Sources explained that the change in the polls was in response to something the president did or said that is similar to things he has done or said for years, and that the disapproval rating would change on a whim soon just like it does with every president because those surveyed will have gotten mad about something else or forgotten about it or are just unable to contextualize current events within any sort of historical or societal framework, so simply gathering and staring at a bunch of different statistics doesn’t mean jack shit. At press time, a new poll had found that President Trump’s disapproval rating was now at, Jesus Christ, a sizable portion of the country supports and has always supported an openly white supremacist president and the party he leads, and a bunch of goddamn numerical ratings aren’t going to do a fucking thing to change that.
Jeffrey Dahmer Estate Releases Collection Of Never-Before-Seen Victim Remains #~# MILWAUKEE—Saying the newly unearthed materials would help shed light on the serial killer’s extensive oeuvre, the Jeffrey Dahmer estate held a press conference Friday during which it announced plans to exhibit victim remains never before seen by the general public.
Restaurant Entrance Doesn’t Work All Damn Day To Be Called ‘Other Door’ #~# CINCINNATI, OH—Frustrated by a perceived lack of respect and appreciation, the main entrance of Bubby’s Bar and Grill said Friday that she frankly resented being referred to by her fellow employees as “the other door.” “I’m here day in and day out working my ass off in all kinds of weather, and they’ve got the nerve to hang up signs—on the door that doesn’t work a lick, thank you very much—signs that call me ‘the other door?’ No one sets foot in this place without going through me. I’m the difference between ‘us’ and ‘them.’ I’m the damn gatekeeper,” said the age-stained, highly patinated 6-by-4-foot door, which was first installed in the years following prohibition. “Let’s be honest. This place would be chaos without me. I keep the bugs out, I keep the heat and cold out as necessary, and these days, I make sure cigarette smoke stays outside where it belongs. I don’t even get so much as a thank you, and now with this othering nonsense, I’m just treated like a second-class citizen?” Bubby’s front entrance has refused to comment on rumors that she is now exploring the possibility of unionizing Cincinnati’s significant side, back, and patio door labor community.
Dad Just Wants Nice, Simple Xbox One For Checking Email #~# RALEIGH, NC—Claiming he only needs something that’s easy to hook up with internet capabilities, local dad Greg Knox informed his family Friday that he just wants a simple, no-nonsense Xbox One for checking emails. “I don’t want any of those fancy Xboxes with the Kinects or headsets or anything like that. It would just be nice to have one where I can see emails, go on Netflix, maybe look at people’s pictures,” said Knox, claiming the only “app or whatever” he wanted was Internet Explorer. “No bells and whistles for me, I don’t want to bother with any Sea Of Thieves special editions or anything big and powerful like the Xbox One X. I just want movies and internet. Maybe some games like solitaire or chess, if it comes with those built in.” Knox later grew frustrated and threw the controller across the den when his son tried to show him how to work Star Wars Battlefront II.
Relationship Experts Recommend Telling Woman You Would Die For Her At Outset Of First Date #~# DENVER—Noting that absolute devotion was the key to seducing a potential partner, relationship experts recommended Friday that it’s best to tell a woman that you would die for her at the outset of a first date. “Time and time again, we’ve found that the best way for a man to win the heart of a lady is to immediately swear upon being introduced that he would lay down his life for her,” said professional dating coach Martha Saunders, explaining that ideally, a man should mention that he would gladly take a bullet for a woman before sitting down at the table or making any small talk, since one doesn’t get a second chance to make a first impression. “If the woman doesn’t say it back to him immediately, he mustn’t worry. He should just keep reminding her throughout the meal that his last indrawn breath will be taken so that his last word may be her name. And on the practical side, it might also help to bring up any do-not-resuscitate orders and that you’ve already made her the sole benefactor in your will.” Saunders added that, if the date somehow still isn’t going well, it’s in a man’s best interest to communicate the sincerity and intensity of his feelings by threatening to kill the woman.
Timeline Of The American Education System #~# As over 50 million students return for a new school year, the U.S. education system faces of a number of technological, philosophical, and financial challenges. The Onion looks at important events in the history of the American education system.
Report: High School Marching Band Definitely In Shape Of Something #~# OAK PARK, IL—Noting that the musicians had left their straight-line formation and stopped very cleanly, sources confirmed Friday that the Fenwick High School marching band was definitely in the shape of something. “I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be, like, a flag or trapezoid, or maybe another type of square-looking shape,” said Michelle Carter, 38, squinting her eyes in an effort to discern what the amorphous mass of teenagers assembled at midfield was meant to represent. “Man, I have no idea. It’s definitely intentional because they all know their marks and they’re all clapping at the same time. Maybe it’s the school mascot? Or an amoeba? Eh, I probably just can’t tell because I’m not high up enough in the bleachers.” At press time, Carter reported that while the band was definitely marching in some kind of almost-recognizable formation, no one had any idea what they were playing.
Warden Scrambling To Find Ways To Punish Striking Inmates Worse Than Their Typical Living Conditions #~# CRESCENT CITY, CA—In an admission that highlights the internal complexities of the prison worker strike spreading across the nation, Pelican Bay supermax prison warden Earl Daniels has divulged that he is struggling to find methods of punishment worse than the inmates’ current living conditions. “There’s no question that we want to employ some sort of punishment, but frankly, it’s difficult to figure out how to make life less pleasant for incarcerated citizens than it already is,” said Daniels, noting that most of the inmate population was already psychologically and physically damaged by the brutal penitentiary environment, and moreover, a significant percentage had been placed in solitary confinement, a practice considered a war crime by the United Nations. “I guess we could just beat them, if we can find a time when they’re not beating one another, but then they’d just escape into unconsciousness. We can’t make their cells smaller. The stuff they eat isn’t good enough to legally feed to livestock. Their doctors aren’t good enough to work for Cigna. And this country’s laws already punish felons by restricting their civil rights, voting rights, and employment opportunities after they’re released, so threats aren’t going to work. I guess I could turn off the lights, if they were working.” Representatives of CoreCivic and GEO Group, corporations running the more than 150 prisons where strikes have occurred, have chastised Daniels for his statement, saying that as a federal prison employee, the warden has a responsibility to their stockholders.
CDC Reports Surge In Sexually Transmitted Disease #~# For the fourth consecutive year, federal health officials said that new cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis spiked in 2017, rising by nearly 10 percent due to changing sexual habits and a lack of public awareness. What do you think?
Ron DeSantis Clarifies That ‘Monkey’ Comment Was Intended As Subtle Enough Dog Whistle To Get Away With #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Facing backlash for warning voters not to “monkey this up” and vote for his black political opponent, Andrew Gillum, Republican gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis held a press conference Thursday to clarify that his comments were intended as a subtle enough dog whistle to racists that he could escape blame. “Many of my critics on the left fail to understand that my words were simply meant to fly under the radar and reach an intended audience without repercussions,” said DeSantis, lamenting that his code words caused a media firestorm when his only objective was to target a specific bigoted group that agreed with the message. “This whole media outcry is, frankly, overblown. People are acting like I threw out an actual racial slur when what I actually said was a harmless piece of rhetoric that’s been used to dehumanize black people for centuries. If anything, folks should be upset that ‘monkey this up’ isn’t a real idiom.” DeSantis concluded his press conference by issuing an apology to “Mayor Gillum and his family” followed by a sly wink.
University Admits It Pretty Weird They Let Bunch Of 20-Year-Olds Live In Big Mansion And Torture Each Other #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—Suddenly realizing that the tradition was actually sort of strange when one stopped to really think about it, University of Alabama administrators admitted to reporters Thursday that it was pretty weird that they let a bunch of 20-year-olds live in a big mansion and torture each other. “I guess allowing a bunch of young adults who basically just graduated high school to use a historic 30-room manor to conduct rituals designed to humiliate and endanger one another is kind of bizarre,” said University of Alabama president Stuart R. Bell, noting that the dozens of enormous, stately homes around campus filled with young people inserting objects into each other’s rectums and forcing the most vulnerable among them to binge drink until they get alcohol poisoning or, in some cases, even die, did seem slightly off. “I suppose it’s a bit peculiar to provide students whom we are supposedly preparing to function in the real world with a luxurious manor in which they piss all over one another. I mean, it’s odd enough that a group of impressionable, still-immature students are mentally and physically abusing one another for fun, but we also give them a big, gorgeous house to do it in.” At press time, the university had reportedly forgotten all about the issue when they received a large donation check from one of their wealthy fraternity alumni.
Political Scientists Reassure Americans That Stripping Minorities Of Citizenship Usually Where Descent Into Fascism Peters Out #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—Responding to concern about the Trump administration accusing hundreds of Hispanic people living near the U.S.–Mexico border of having fraudulent birth certificates and revoking their passports, political scientists reassured Americans Thursday that stripping minority groups of their citizenship is usually where the descent into fascism peters out. “I know people might be worried that a targeted effort by a country’s leaders to erode the civil liberties and question the citizenship of a specific minority group is some ominous sign of even worse things to come, but in nearly all cases, this actually represents the low-water mark for fascism,” said Brian Snelling, professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, echoing the sentiments of political scientists around the country in explaining that the Trump administration’s accelerating use of white supremacist beliefs, discrimination, and violence to guide policy-making was actually a sure sign that egalitarian democracy was just around the corner. “This is a classic historical trend—an increasingly authoritarian ruler repeatedly demonizes a minority group with false accusations, increases the illegal imprisonment and deportation of members of that minority group who don’t have proper documentation in an effort to get people accustomed to the idea that something about this minority group is inherently criminal, starts essentially just questioning those minorities’ rights to exist at all, and then everything goes back to normal in six months or so. In virtually every fascist regime throughout history, the creation of detention centers for a minority group is simply the first sign that those detention centers are about to go away. So we urge you not to judge the Trump administration for denying citizens passports based on race, as that’s the sign that fascism is about to come to an end.” Political scientists also reassured Americans that since a country’s descent into fascism virtually always just goes away on its own, there was absolutely no need for anyone to do anything.
White House Counsel To Step Down In Fall #~# After reportedly causing disputes with President Trump over his cooperation with the special counsel, White House Counsel Don McGahn will step down in the fall. What do you think?
Praying Mantis Hesitantly Agrees To Try Girlfriend’s Sexual Fantasy Of Eating His Head During Intercourse #~# CODAJÁS, BRAZIL—Saying that he was willing to try anything once, a praying mantis in the Amazon rainforest hesitantly agreed to his girlfriend’s sexual fantasy of eating his head during sex, sources confirmed Thursday. “Honestly, I was a little wary when she first told me she was fantasizing about devouring my head, but I’m definitely trying to keep an open mind,” said the mantis, noting that though he had reservations about the practice, he also respected his partner for feeling comfortable enough to open up to him about her head-eating kink. “A lot of guys would have just run in the other direction when they heard their girlfriend wanted to crack off their head in her mandibles and guzzle it for sustenance. But who knows, maybe I’ll like it. Anyway, she promised she’d go slowly and that I could always stop her before she ate the rest of my body if I’m not into it.” The mantis added that it was only fair that he be flexible given that his girlfriend had indulged his fetish of watching her flash the colored eyespots under her forewings during courtship.
Ryan Zinke Calls For Legislation To Slow Down Destruction Of Wildlife So He Can Truly Savor Every Minute Of It #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring the rapid decrease in the population of several endangered species “problematic,” Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke called for new legislation Thursday designed to slow the destruction of the nation’s wildlife so that he might relish every last minute of its extinction. “We need to preserve these magnificent animals so that I can watch them suffer one by one,” said Zinke, adding that the more species were preserved, the more opportunities he would have to look on as they starved, choked on garbage, or became caught in bear traps. “Animals, plants, and insects are currently dying out at the rate of 200 per day, and it’s just not humanly possible to savor the death throes of the last of something’s kind if they’re all happening at once. We need to pump the brakes and make an effort to preserve, oh, let’s say, the last thousand Hawaiian harbor seals so that someday my grandchildren can experience the wonder of watching as the life drains from their adorable little eyes.” Zinke concluded by introducing a fundraising measure designed to draw out the suffering of the nation’s most iconic endangered bird by selling T-shirts and bumper stickers emblazoned with the legend “SAVE THE CALIFORNIA CONDOR FOR LAST.”
NRA Praised For Decreasing Stigma Of Mentally Ill Acquiring Firearms #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Expressing immense gratitude for their role in normalizing and promoting the pursuits of marginalized people, the National Alliance on Mental Illness issued a statement Thursday praising the National Rifle Association for decreasing the stigma around mentally ill people acquiring firearms. “There are still many Americans who hold prejudices against people with schizophrenia purchasing assault weapons, but the NRA has made incredible strides to help reduce that bias,” said NAMI representative Rebeccah Vance, lauding the NRA’s tireless efforts to advocate for all potentially unstable Americans to easily purchase a firearm, no matter their age, background, or history of mental illness. “It’s often hard for someone who’s suffering from symptoms of mental illness to be able to do a simple thing like buying a firearm; however, now those suffering from psychiatric disorders are no longer forced to live in the shadows. Thanks to the NRA, all Americans can easily satisfy their violent urges without enduring humiliating, unnecessary background checks.” At press time, the NRA received glowing praise for their fearless efforts to help secure firearms for all those convicted of domestic violence.
Woman Who Has Been Let Down By So Many Leave-In Conditioners Can’t Bear To Put Herself Out There Again #~# BILLINGS, MT—Resigning herself to the fact that perhaps she just wasn’t meant to have smooth, detangled hair, area woman Candace Fard confided to reporters Thursday that after being let down by yet another leave-in conditioner, she wasn’t sure she could ever put herself out there again. “I’ve been burned so many times before, and I don’t want to waste any more of my life, you know?” said Fard, who sighed while gazing longingly at a Pantene magazine ad boasting all-day frizz protection before angrily ripping the page to pieces at the memory of her own half-used bottle, which she decided to part with after discovering it made her bangs greasy. “It’s so hard to see all my friends finding the perfect leave-in conditioner for them while I sit here trying product after product and nothing ever works out. Like, I’m happy for them, but why can’t I have what they have? Sometimes, it feels like there’s not even anything out there for my hair type. Maybe it’s time I give up and just accept myself as a woman with dry, tangled hair.” At press time, Fard was reportedly fielding a call from her mother, whose friend Joan had insisted she had a conditioner that would be a perfect match.
Report Finds Poor Often Hit Hardest By 18-Wheelers #~# WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the vulnerability of low-income Americans struggling in the face of a Mack truck, a report from the Brookings Institution confirmed Thursday that the poor are often hit hardest by 18-wheelers. “The economically disadvantaged face a great variety of challenges, but sometimes the single factor having the greatest impact on individuals earning less than $20,000 per year is a semi failing to stop and plowing into them as they attempt to cross the street,” said Brookings senior research fellow Tim Brownridge, adding that members of households living at or below the poverty line are typically unprepared to survive the full force of a tractor trailer barreling down the highway at 75 miles per hour. “Without exception, every person in this income bracket has a hard time recovering from a direct hit by a 40-ton big rig. The severe mark left on a financially struggling family of four by a fast-moving Peterbilt or Freightliner simply cannot be overstated.” The report follows a parallel study published last week that found the top 1 percent of American earners are often hit hardest by their own helicopter’s rotor blades.
U.S. Judge Bans 3D-Printed Gun Blueprints #~# A U.S. federal judge extended a ban on the online distribution of 3D-printed gun blueprints, agreeing that their publication would violate states’ rights to regulate firearms. What do you think?
Nick Foles Reveals He Turned Down Big Volunteer Opportunities At Church To Remain With Eagles #~# PHILADELPHIA—Revealing that after the Super Bowl he could have taken over several big-time bake sales, Nick Foles told reporters Thursday that he turned down significant volunteer opportunities at church to remain with the Philadelphia Eagles. “I had my fair share of great offers this offseason, but in the end, I decided I would rather stay with my teammates in Philly than chase a leadership role heading up food drives at St. Mary’s or Blessed Sacrament,” said Foles, admitting that he couldn’t leave the team he won a championship with even if he was offered something as prestigious as the youth pastor position. “I could have secured a major deal with some top-level churches to lead their community outreach program, but I knew my place was right here with the Eagles. Don’t get me wrong, it was really tough to walk away from a chance to play the organ at Easter mass or even lead a choir, but at the end of the day, my sense of loyalty to my teammates won out.” When reached for further comment, all local churches had denied making any offers of any kind to Nick Foles.
White Supremacist Living Fulfilling Racist Life Since Getting Kicked Offline #~# YELLOW BLUFF, AL—Emphasizing how important it was for his well-being to cut the cord and start harassing more minorities in person, white supremacist Alan Kearney, 63, told reporters Thursday that he’s been living a much more fulfilling, racist life since getting kicked offline. “Sitting behind a screen all day was really taking its toll on me, which is why it’s been so refreshing to actually find ‘Unite The Right’ rallies or Klan meetups where I can interact face-to-face with other extremists like myself,” said Kearney, whose recent ban from Reddit and 4chan was just the push he needed to leave the house and find a community of like-minded people who believe their racial superiority must lead to the formation of a pure ethno-state by any means necessary. “Sure, there were Jews and Muslims I was telling to kill themselves online, but it’s much more rewarding to go out into the real world, stand outside a synagogue or mosque, and do it there. It’s so much more liberating.” Kearney added that, most importantly, his decision to be racist in the real world sets a good example for his racist children.
Manafort Sought Plea Deal Before Talks Broke Down #~# Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort spoke with Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team about a potential plea deal before talks fell apart. What do you think?
Satan Refuses To Accept Any More Catholic Priests In Hell #~# NINTH CIRCLE, HELL—Stressing that the situation in the underworld was quickly spiraling out of control, Satan, the Great Tempter and Father of Lies, announced Wednesday that he would not allow any more Catholic priests to enter hell. “This place is completely overrun with those monsters, and frankly, they kind of creep me out,” said the Prince of Darkness, adding that every time he looked up, he saw another recently deceased member of the Roman Catholic clergy being cast down into the fires of hell, where each is expected to be tortured until the end of time by Satan and his minions. “We’re used to having every manner of unrepentant sinner down here, but those guys are beyond messed up. I swear, if I see one more of those sick bastards, I’m going to throw myself into the eternal flames.” In response, God has reportedly instituted a secret policy whereby the priests would no longer face damnation but would instead attend mandatory counseling sessions and then be quietly transferred into heaven.
6th-Graders Feel Kind Of Bad After Seeing How Easy It Was To Make Young Teacher Cry #~# KAUKAUNA, WI—Given pause after witnessing the consequences of their actions, members of a sixth-grade class at River View Middle School reported feeling kind of bad Wednesday after discovering how little effort it took to make their teacher, 23-year-old Kayla Martin, cry. “Oh, jeez, now I feel guilty—I realize we were being a little bit mean to her, but I had no idea she was just gonna burst into tears like that,” said student Daniel Rivera, 11, adding that he and his classmates “weren’t even laying it on all that thick” when the first-year teacher turned off all the lights, yelled at them to put their heads down on their desks, and retreated to the back of the room, where she could be heard quietly weeping. “Sure, a few of us were deliberately talking over her every time she tried to speak. And Madison and her friends kept pointing and making fun of Ms. Martin’s shoes. But she lost it in, like, half the time it used to take Mrs. Bergman to start crying. The poor young thing.” At press time, the sixth-graders confirmed feeling absolutely terrible after Ms. Martin had wordlessly pressed play on an educational film about fossils and returned to sit at her desk in the dark.
Choking Man Can Already Tell Good Samaritan Has No Fucking Clue What They’re Doing #~# SAVANNAH, GA—Using the scant remaining oxygen in his brain to note the approaching stranger’s clear lack of emergency medical experience, choking man Philip Havish could reportedly already tell the good Samaritan attempting to help him had no fucking clue what they were doing. “Oh, God, I’m totally fucked—this dipshit is clearly just winging it right now,” said Havish, whose feelings of hope quickly turned to dread as the complete stranger pushed his way through a crowd of onlookers, insisted he knew CPR, and then proceeded to grab his shoulders and violently shake. “Jesus Christ, he’s obviously running on pure adrenaline and has no real plan. Come on, that’s not where your hands are supposed to go for the Heimlich maneuver—my God, he’s just throwing me around like a rag doll. He started giving me mouth-to-mouth and then gave up and just started pouring water on my face, and now he’s just sort of patting my back? Shit, I think he’s going to get the defibrillator.” At press time, the recently deceased Havish could not be reached for further comment.
Elon Musk Unveils New Clean Energy Luxury Car Pulled By 8 Tesla Employees #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Touting the release as an unmatched innovation in green technology, Elon Musk held a press event Wednesday to unveil Tesla’s new clean energy automobile, a sleek midsize luxury sedan pulled by eight Tesla employees. “I’m excited to stand before you today and announce the &8, Tesla’s latest great advance in our ongoing journey towards completely environmentally responsible transportation—this new vehicle, with its multi-redundant, human-focused propulsion system, is even more efficient than electric models, and I’m proud to say it was born and bred right here in America using a 100 percent renewable, 99 percent biodegradable power source with forest-friendly emissions,” said Musk, who demonstrated the machine’s octuply-redundant voice-activated navitainment system, which, like the powertrain, fully supports tethering, adaptable all-surface cartilaginous shock absorbers, and “torture mode” overdrive, in which seven subsidiary drive units are slaved directly to a controlling “master motivator.” Tesla also claims that the new continuously variable transmission runs in complete silence, though press drivers noted some light huffing, puffing, and occasional moaning during highway tests. “The &8 will completely change the way Americans view clean energy vehicles. As usual, the purchase price will include the ability to easily recharge the power plant at any Applebee’s, but this is an extremely hardy, fuel-efficient—in many ways, self-sufficient—and ecologically aware vehicle. Customers can even visit the Tesla headquarters to select the exact parts that work best for them, from optional vegetable-fueled drive units to self-healing, scratch-resistant bodies in their choice of colors.” Musk also teased the upcoming announcement of a new HyperLoop high-speed rail locomotive using a much larger version of the &8’s core system.
Trump Revokes Puerto Rico Recovery Funds After Learning Hurricane Maria Had Fewer Survivors #~# WASHINGTON—Following the release of official reports that attributed 2,975 deaths to the 2017 storm instead of the previous estimate of 64, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he was revoking a significant amount of funding devoted to Puerto Rico after learning that Hurricane Maria had way fewer survivors. “The new data shows that there are substantially less people than we thought who are still alive, which means they don’t need as much money to help each of them recover,” said Trump, adding that he was slashing the $18.5 billion earmarked for the island’s recovery by the Department of Housing and Urban Development by at least $12 billion to $15 billion since “now they don’t need as much food and houses and stuff.” “We want to help the people of Puerto Rico recover from this massive, massive storm, but it’s too late to help people recover if they’re already dead. And, look, I’m not saying the people of Puerto Rico were lying to get more money, but it’s pretty suspicious that they waited until now to tell us how many more people died. At least finding out about the hurricane death toll now means a lot of American money will be saved.” Trump added that the people of Puerto Rico should be pleased about the reduced recovery funding, since there would be less U.S. money wasted there the next time a massive hurricane hits.
5-Year-Old Admits It Pretty Messed Up Spider-Man Visiting His Birthday Party When He Could Be Out Saving Lives #~# WESTCHESTER, NY—Acknowledging that there were definitely far more pressing issues for the young superhero to address, 5-year-old Sam Byer admitted Wednesday that it was pretty messed up that Spider-Man had chosen to entertain guests at his birthday party when he could be out saving lives. “Look, I’m glad he showed up and all, but I don’t really want to be responsible when someone’s in danger and Spider-Man isn’t there to rescue them,” said Byer, confessing that since zero people were being chased, robbed, or killed at his backyard barbecue, the masked vigilante  should probably just go fight crime somewhere else. “I can’t believe he’s wasting his incredible superpowers by goofing around at a 5-year-old’s birthday party. His nemeses are out there right now destroying the world, but Spider-Man is just sitting here eating cake and taking pictures with me and my friends. Also, I don’t want to be a tattle-tell, but it’s noon on a Wednesday—shouldn’t ‘Peter’ be working his job at the [Daily] Bugle right now?” At press time, Byer expressed relief after watching Spider-Man subdue his long-time foe, Doctor Octopus, who had arrived to the party late and noticeably short of breath.
A Look At The Class Of 2022 #~# This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2022, with most of them being born in 2000. The Onion takes a look at some facts and figures about these students and their worldview.
So-Called Professional Gamer Not Even Racist #~# OXNARD, CA—Expressing bewilderment after sitting through his four-hour livestream “for nothing,” chat room viewers nationwide overwhelmingly said they felt cheated and deceived Wednesday by Twitch user xLNENRDx who, despite purporting to be a professional gamer, does not pout torrents of racist epithets and opinions whenever possible. “This guy thinks he’s some sort of pro gamer, but he can’t even string together some basic racial slurs. I figured he’d at least drop the N-word when he got chain-killed by that spawn camper, but he just yelled regular swears and kept playing,” said area gamer Morgan Ridley, 26, who tuned into the Overwatch livestream with the expectation of hearing ethnic stereotypes projected onto the game’s diverse cast of characters. “He expects people to pay for this shit? Maybe next time he should try putting some effort into doing a Chinese accent after you toss those sticky grenades. Yeah, he has said some pretty sexist shit, but that alone won’t move the needle.” Amid dwindling view counts and a waning subscriber base, xLNENRDx has resolved to court niche viewers by working in a few nasty remarks about indigenous Australians.
Poll: 70% Of Americans Support Medicare For All #~# A Reuters-Ipsos survey found that the vast majority of Americans—85 percent of Democrats and 52 percent of Republicans—support “Medicare for all,” also known as a single-payer system. What do you think?
Louis C.K. Fan Disappointed At Lack Of Psychosexual Power Games In New Material #~# NEW YORK—Lamenting the clear changes in the comedian’s material after an almost yearlong absence from the stage, local Louis C.K. fan Jeremy Draeving was reportedly disappointed at the lack of psychosexual power games in the stand-up’s set at the Comedy Cellar on Sunday. “I’ve always loved how real and honest Louis C.K.’s material was, but this new set completely left out all the fucked-up sexual manipulation stuff that’s been his trademark for so long,” said Draeving, who recounted his initial excitement at the comedian’s return following his 2017 sexual misconduct allegations and explained that his enthusiasm quickly soured as it became clear C.K.’s usual warts-and-all style of comedy would skip right over his predilection for cornering female comedians and forcing them to watch him masturbate. “I just thought his set would focus more on exploiting vulnerable women in his field for his own gratification. I mean, what makes Louis C.K. special is that he has so many layers, like how his actions were not only sexually inappropriate, but also a deliberate abuse of power against those with less influence in the industry—women whose careers and personal lives would be irreparably damaged as a result. I guess he sort of mentioned jacking off a little, but it seemed pretty disconnected from the stuff about his management threatening to derail these women’s careers if they told anyone about it, or about how traumatic and shameful the experience must’ve been for them in the moment. Man, he’s really not the same now.” Draeving went on to complain about the glaring lack of physical and emotional abuse evident during Chris Hardwick’s recent return to Talking Dead.
No Amount Of Alcohol Good For You, Report Finds #~# A study from the Global Burden of Diseases found that no amount of alcohol is good for you, noting that while moderate drinking may reduce heart disease risk that benefit is offset by increased risk of cancer. What do you think?
Republicans Outraged Over RedTube Censoring Of Conservative Voices #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the website has mounted a direct assault on free speech, Republicans in Congress told reporters Tuesday they were outraged by reports claiming the pornographic video site RedTube has censored conservative voices on its platform. “Sadly, RedTube displays a consistent left-leaning bias, whether through its temporary ban of outspoken Republican porn star Cindy Lixxx’s popular ‘Spread Bald Eagle’ channel or its hiding of search results for phrases such as ‘Stars and Stripes double penetration,’” said Rep. Steve King (R-IA), who echoed dozens of GOP lawmakers as he argued that such actions not only suppress important voices, but also discriminate against conservative viewers who simply want to see bondage scenes of right-wing cam girls blindfolded and bound with the American flag. “RedTube operates a widely used public forum for the exchange of hardcore materials, and it should not be allowed to determine whether Americans are permitted to watch rock-hard Republicans cuming on the tits of fiscally conservative adult film stars. Otherwise, before you know it, the only pornographic videos online will be liberal bukkake or—I shudder to even say it—socialist gang bangs.” In response, a RedTube spokesperson cited the company’s history of providing a neutral platform and pointed to its long-running offerings favored by establishment Republicans, including the premium pornography channel, “Bush.”
New Ted Cruz Campaign Ad Features His Kids Begging For Beto O’Rourke To Be Their New Dad #~# HOUSTON—With scenes in which the two little girls can be seen pleading with outstretched arms, a new Ted Cruz campaign ad released Tuesday features the incumbent U.S. senator’s children begging for challenger Beto O’Rourke to be their new dad. “Mr. O’Rourke, could you be our new daddy—please, please, please, with a cherry on top?” Cruz’s 10-year-old daughter Caroline said in the 30-second spot, promising that she and her sister will get straight As and be on their best behavior if the current U.S. representative from El Paso would take over all fathering duties immediately and let them come live with his family. “You’d be a nice, normal daddy, not weird and creepy like the one we have now. We could even introduce you to our friends without being embarrassed. We love you, Beto!” The campaign advertisement concludes with a tearful Heidi Cruz begging on bended knee for O’Rourke to be her new husband.
White House Flag Now Moving Minute To Minute To Indicate Trump’s Mood #~# WASHINGTON—Controversy surrounding whether the commander in chief was properly honoring recently deceased Senator John McCain increased Tuesday after reports indicated that the White House flag was now being moved up or down on its staff minute to minute to indicate President Donald Trump’s current mood. “It’s no secret that the president and the late senator had a contentious relationship, and President Trump wants the flag’s position to be perfectly calibrated to his current sentiments about Mr. McCain so the nation knows exactly how he feels,” said White House deputy chief of staff of operations Daniel Walsh as facilities employees raced to raise the flag precisely 26 inches above half-staff to reflect a surge of anger Trump had just experienced toward McCain receiving so much public adulation. “Obviously, we lowered the flag to half-staff on Monday after the president plunged into an extended bad mood due to the backlash over raising it to full staff on Sunday, but then we had to lower the flag another fifth of the way down the flagpole early this morning when Mr. Trump woke up and felt even worse about it. Then, at 9:41 a.m., we had to raise it 59 percent up the staff because Mr. Trump was feeling somewhat contrite about not honoring Mr. McCain, but not as bad as before, only to raise it to 86 percent of the way up at 9:49 a.m. because the president decided he didn’t care that much about the senator anymore. For the last couple hours, we’ve been raising and lowering the flag from anywhere to just one quarter of the way up the flagpole to 96 percent of the way up, depending on how mad, sad, guilty, jealous, apologetic, fearful, or annoyed Mr. Trump is feeling about the senator at any given moment. We also had to rush to take it down entirely from 10:47-10:54 a.m. when Mr. Trump just got bored of the whole thing. We’ve definitely been scrambling—wait, I’m just receiving word now that we’ve got to lower it another 2.6 inches because the president is excited about pissing off liberals but he’s also sleepy and hungry.” Walsh added that although it was tiring for his staff to keep raising and lowering the flag, they would keep doing it, because the position of the White House flag is of the absolute utmost national importance.
Raid Recalls Entire Line Of Insecticide After Realizing Food Chain Would Collapse Without Bugs #~# RACINE, WI—Begging consumers to immediately cease endangering the safety of our ecosystem, consumer chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson & Son recalled every single product from their Raid brand of insecticides Tuesday after realizing the food chain would simply collapse without bugs. “We’re urging customers to immediately return all sprays, baits, foggers, and barriers as they pose an extinction-level threat to insects and, because the intricate balance of the food web is very delicate, killing bugs will eventually have horrible consequences, if you think about it,” said spokesperson Melissa Eden, explaining that exterminating a cockroach, ant, spider, or even flea with one of their products “sends a huge ripple through the ecosystem” and “throws off everything in the biodiversity cycle, like the butterfly effect.” “If you continue spraying your plants with our House & Garden aerosol can, you’re going to drive caterpillars to extinction, which takes away a crucial food source for the robins, then a few links later the wolves are gone, and then how long does the Earth have left? We beg you to please return our Scorpion Killer, our Flying Insect Killer, even our Bed Bug Killer to our central distribution center so we can dispose of them safely—or Raid will have killed both bugs and humans dead.” Eden added that consumers should keep an eye out for forthcoming Raid products aimed at giving insects the nutrients they need to gain strength and safely populate in habitats in and around consumers’ homes.
Button-Up Shirt Goes On Life-Changing Odyssey Around Dry Cleaner’s Garment Conveyor #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Expressing astonishment at the transformative power of the journey, a button-up shirt reported Tuesday that it had gone on a truly life-changing odyssey around Forest Dry Cleaning’s automated garment conveyor. “I have seen many wonders on my travels around this realm: cashmere wraps that are elegant beyond my wildest dreams; hand-knit Afghans from the far-flung Orient—even a storage container overflowing with collar stays,” said the Oxford button-up, describing its 25-second circuit around the dry cleaner’s one-track rail system as a “veritable Homerian voyage” replete with ecstatic highs and heart-racing lows that it would not soon forget. “Before I began this excursion, all I knew was the plastic-wrapped pair of Dockers before me and the wool cardigan behind. Yet now, having completed my trek, I can comprehend all of the richness and variety that makes up this enchanting kingdom of laundry.” At press time, the frightened dress shirt had been stuffed into a trash bag by its owner and donated to charity after the dry cleaning process failed to remove a coffee stain on its breast pocket.
Coin Collector Has Some Pretty Fucking Nice Coins #~# BALTIMORE—Admitting that the assemblage of currency was quite impressive, sources confirmed Tuesday that local coin collector Bill Mavrogenes has some pretty fucking nice coins. “Goddamn, he’s got a bunch of old ones that have holes right through the middle of them,” said local resident Wayne Gorman, noting that the silver coin bearing the image of Alexander the Great must have been especially valuable since it was encased in a super-tiny plastic envelope. “Would you look at this? This one is definitely American, but it’s got some president on it I don’t recognize. Some of these suckers must be old as fuck. I’ve seen some coin collections before, but this is different. We’re not talking pennies, quarters and dimes here—these guys were probably used by pharaohs and shit.” At press time, Mavrogenes reportedly produced a second binder containing some “dope ass” stamps.
Idris Elba Says He Will Not Be The Next James Bond #~# English actor Idris Elba put to rest internet rumors of his forthcoming casting this week after telling a reporter that he would not be the next James Bond. What do you think?
New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Teaser Shows Cackling, Power-Mad George R.R. Martin Burning Completed ‘Winds Of Winter’ Manuscript #~# LOS ANGELES—Shedding light on the much-rumored events of the upcoming eighth and final season, a newly released teaser for the wildly popular HBO series of Game Of Thrones that aired Monday centered around the image of a cackling, power-mad George R.R. Martin burning the completed manuscript of Winds Of Winter. “This season is finally going to give fans much-needed confirmation that George R.R. Martin will, in fact, finish his long-awaited sixth novel in the A Song Of Ice And Fire series, only to rip it apart and feed it into a blazing fire, page by page,” said fan Bennett Mills, recounting the incredible attention to detail evident in the brief, barely legible glimpses of dialogue between Arya and Sansa Stark right before the pages were engulfed by flames. “This completely changes my expectations. I’m such a huge fan that I’m pretty much game for whatever they have in store—and, honestly, the trailer is packed full of hints about the crazed tyrannical author bringing about swift and crushing destruction this season. It was a pretty blink-or-you’ll-miss-it moment, so you might have to watch it a couple times to catch the part where he feeds the final 400 pages into an industrial paper shredder. It happens fast, but it’s instantly recognizable to any true fan of the show.” At press time, Game Of Thrones fans were attempting to decode the meaning of the opening shot of the trailer, which showed Martin stuffing the first three pages of the manuscript in his mouth before urinating on the rest.
High School Bully Ready To Unload Summer Vacation’s Worth Of Abuse #~# BALA CYNWYD, PA—His pent-up frustration and anger at an all-time high following a brutal break, high school bully Blaine Madison said Monday he was ready to unload a summer vacation’s worth of abuse at the start of the school year. “I’ve been building up all this aggression, watching my parents scream at each other before turning their anger on me for a completely random reason, and now it’s my turn—I’m going to get this out of my system by smacking the shit out of some freshman,” said Madison, 16, who had been using video games as a coping mechanism until his stepfather smashed his PS3 in a blind fit of rage. “I’m wound tight, and if I don’t chuck a few textbooks at some loser’s head soon, I don’t know what I’ll do. My whole routine has been out of whack since June; usually I can fall back on shoving Eric and calling him a retard whenever Mom makes me skip meals as punishment for making too much noise when I take out the recycling bin.” At press time, Madison said he was feeling much more calm and centered after body-slamming a foreign exchange student onto a lunch table. 
Kroger Phasing Out Plastic Bags By 2025 #~# Kroger, one of the largest supermarket chains in the U.S., will completely phase out plastic bags by 2025, following the lead of other companies such as Starbucks and Marriott International. What do you think?
Researchers No Closer To Understanding What The Fuck You’re Talking About #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Finding themselves increasingly frustrated after years of fruitless analysis, researchers working with a Harvard-coordinated international multi-university research initiative published a report Monday confirming that, despite spending several years and millions of dollars, they have made negligible progress in understanding what the fuck you’re talking about. “Not only are we no closer to understanding what the hell you’re talking about, but evidence also suggests we are further than ever from a solid idea of exactly what the fuck you think you’re talking about. We’re beginning to suspect you may not even know what the fuck you’re talking about, and unfortunately for those charged with cataloguing what the fuck you’re talking about, you simply won’t fucking stop talking,” the report read in part. “Moreover, researchers at Oxford say they ‘have no goddamn idea what you’re on about,’ those from the University of Texas believe you ‘don’t ever stop to smell what shit you’re shoveling,’ and our associates at the University of Michigan have begun simply saying ‘huh?’ when confronted with new data on what the fuck you’re saying. Basically, everyone unfortunate enough to be made aware of you holds the unanimous belief that you should shut the hell up.” In a related report, researchers have confirmed you have absolutely no idea what the fuck you’re doing.
Florida Passes Strict Ban On Being Unarmed #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—In the aftermath of three deaths in a Jacksonville incident that represented the state’s 22nd mass shooting in 2018 alone, Florida officials announced Monday that they had passed a strict ban on being unarmed. “It is abundantly clear that something must be done to stop gun violence in Florida, which is why we’ve made it illegal for residents to not be carrying a firearm at all times,” said Governor Rick Scott in a press conference surrounded by armed legislators where he signed the bipartisan SB 5012, known as the Packing Heat Act, into law. “This ban on unarmed citizens is the strictest in the nation, showing Florida’s unwavering commitment to combating gun violence. The Packing Heat Act imposes tough age restrictions prohibiting anyone under the age of 10 from not toting at least one firearm no smaller than .380 caliber at all times. Additionally, this law designates many densely populated areas, such as the downtowns of major cities, school campuses, and medical facilities, as special open-fire zones. Those found in unlawful non-possession of a firearm will be subject to up to 30 years in prison.” At press time, governors of several states, including Texas, Louisiana, and South Carolina, announced that they were exploring legislation imposing similar bans on being unarmed.
White House Releases Moving Statement Honoring Woman Who Called Obama An Arab In 2008 #~# WASHINGTON—In a timely tribute to a woman they are calling a fearless American hero, the White House released a statement Monday recognizing and honoring the woman who called then-presidential candidate Barack Obama an Arab during a town hall event in 2008. “It is with great reverence that we celebrate the courage, life, and work of the woman who told John McCain at a 2008 campaign rally that she couldn’t trust Barack Obama because he was an Arab,” the statement read in part. “Despite the fact that it would have been far easier for her to hold her tongue and remain silent, she bravely stood up for her country and called Obama out for being a foreigner, and in doing so, she truly earned the title of ‘maverick.’ A ruthless defender of patriotism who refused to cower during her shining moment on the national stage, she courageously focused national attention on Obama’s Muslim pedigree. From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you for your service, ma’am.” The statement concluded by saying that her brave and inspiring comments would live on in this country for generations to come.
Report: John Lennon Probably Would Have Eventually Died Anyway #~# NEW YORK—Considering the likelihood of a myriad of theoretical outcomes if the singer had survived his 1980 shooting death, experts reported Monday that John Lennon probably would have eventually died anyway. “If he had enough time and the shooting hadn’t happened, we assume he would have passed away of natural causes or a common disease at some point,” said music historian and Beatles biographer Sophie Bates, explaining that they arrived at this conclusion partially based on the eventual, seemingly inevitable fate of fellow Beatle George Harrison, who died of cancer in 2001. “Even if Lennon was able to avoid contracting any sort of fatal illness, he still could have been killed prematurely, whether in a car accident or simply by being murdered at a different point down the line—maybe by being poisoned or stabbed, or even shot by someone else. Maybe one of the Beatles might have strangled Lennon after an argument about lyrics. What we know for sure is that if he wasn’t shot, he would have certainly died some other way, likely within the following 50 years.” Bates went on to explain that, based on her research, it was unlikely Ringo Starr would ever die.
Father Sits Teenage Son Down To Explain How Sex With Mom Works #~# BOCA RATON, FL—Deciding it was about time they had “the talk,” local father Timothy Bennet pulled his 13-year-old son Eric aside Monday to explain how sex with his mom works. “Listen, son, you’re getting old enough to learn about the facts of my life with your mom, and I don’t want you hearing this from someone else and getting misinformation,” said the 46-year-old, launching into a step-by-step breakdown of the complicated mating ritual, from “cleaning up around the house” to “taking her temperature” and “getting you damn kids out of the house for a couple hours.” “Now, I know it’s a little embarrassing to talk to your old man about sex with his old lady, but it’s something that every young man wonders about and every dad apparently decides his son needs to hear. More than anything, it’s necessary to be absolutely clear about getting consent, son. I mean, even if it’s been six weeks and you’re starting to wonder where that spark went, no means no, and no whining. Having protection is also vital, because it’s the only way to prevent accidents like the twins from happening, and if you’re thinking about getting a vasectomy, don’t put it off or be a wimp about it. You see, when two people love each other very much, or even just adequately, sex isn’t necessarily about procreation, it’s also about desperately trying to strengthen a bond between two individuals after 23 years. It may be slow at first, but once it gets going, oh, man, it’s all you can do to hang on for dear life and keep telling yourself there’s nothing better in the world.” Bennet concluded the father–son discussion by alluding to, and then suddenly backing away from, the idea that there may be instructional videos with further details about sexual intercourse with his mother.
Deeply Indebted Abraham Lincoln Nonprofit May Sell President’s Stovepipe Hat #~# The Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library Foundation is considering offsetting their debt by selling off several items from the 16th president’s personal effects, including one of his iconic stovepipe hats. What do you think?
Alleged Nazi War Criminal Deported Back To Germany #~# U.S. officials have deported a 95-year-old former Nazi labor camp guard named Jakiw Palij back to Germany for his role in “Operation Reinhard,” the plan to murder two million Jews living in Poland. What do you think?
Low-Carb Diet Linked To Dying Young #~# Low-carb diets, such as Atkins, are linked to an early death, according to a recent U.S. study, which noted that moderate carb intake is healthier. What do you think?
GOP Leaders Demand Congressman Duncan Hunter’s Resignation After Discovering He Poor #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of federal charges brought against the California lawmaker for multiple egregious campaign finance violations, GOP leadership released a statement Friday calling for Congressman Duncan Hunter’s resignation following the revelation that he is, in fact, poor. “Congressman Hunter’s actions simply do not line up with the Republican party’s core principles with regards to the possession of personal wealth. The simple fact that the representative does not have enough money to pay for third or even second homes, private schooling for his children, or basic cosmetic health care, constitutes a betrayal of everything the party stands for,” the statement read in part. “This gross lack of personal finances does not represent the Grand Old Party writ large. That Duncan Hunter held actual middle-class status for years, instead of merely pretending to share middle-class values, is absolutely reprehensible behavior unbefitting a Republican congressman.” Beltway insiders expect Hunter to resign his office and relinquish his House seat to an astoundingly wealthy party member as soon as possible.
Obama Finishes Production On New Netflix Reality Series Where 24 Young Women Vie For Heart Of Former President #~# EAGLE BEACH, ARUBA—As part of Barack Obama’s exclusive deal to produce original content for the streaming service, Netflix announced Friday that production has finished on Barack Of Love, a reality series in which 24 young women vie for the heart of the former president.
Baseball Statisticians Unveil New Analytics Model Measuring Precise Amount Of Joy They Suck From The Game #~# PHOENIX—Saying the breakthrough would change baseball statistics forever, the Society Of American Baseball Research unveiled a new analytics model Friday that measures the precise amount of joy their work sucks from the game. “For years, we’ve wondered exactly how much fun we drain from baseball, but finally, by combining the models from advanced statistics like OPS+ and BABIP, we were able to pinpoint the exact degree to which sabermetrics have turned America’s pastime into a miserable experience for casual and diehard fans alike,” said statistician and model co-developer Bill James, explaining that the model was capable of calculating a fan’s enjoyment down to the third decimal point, and measures the minute-by-minute fluctuations as they are bombarded with precisie, joyless stats like WAR and wRC+. “This model can pinpoint the exact moment in which baseball goes from an exciting spectator sport to a numbing slog, devoid of all mystery and drama. Best of all, with this new measurement, statisticians can see their precise performance and fine tune their cold, dispassionate analysis to maximise joy loss.” At press time, the statisticians had unveiled a new statistic to determine how much comparative joy loss a stat provided against a baseline generic joy loss stat.
Tips For Winning Escape Rooms #~# Escape rooms, where a group works together to free themselves from a room by solving puzzles and riddles, have become an increasingly popular activity among young people. The Onion offers the best strategy tips for winning an escape room.
Green Energy Scientists Unveil 800,000-Ton Potato Capable Of Powering Entire City #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—In what many experts are hailing as a game changer in the field of renewable energy, scientists from the University of Tennessee unveiled Friday a 10-story-tall, 800,000-ton potato capable of powering an entire city. “Our tests have demonstrated this single potato can generate more than 3.5 gigawatts of clean, renewable electricity,” said civil engineering professor Lauren Donaldson, explaining that the colossal tuber, when connected to the electrical grid via one zinc and one copper electrode, could provide enough output to illuminate approximately 70 million standard light bulbs for more than a decade. “In theory, the nation’s energy infrastructure could be revolutionized simply by placing one of these gigantic potatoes next to every city in America. We believe it is entirely conceivable that within 20 years, this technology—perhaps supplemented by several similar-sized lemons connected via lengths of wire and paper clips—could be our primary source of electricity. One day, everything from home appliances to cars to factories may be potato-powered.” Donaldson added that her team’s potato also had the benefit of being largely pollution-free, as nearly 98 percent of its waste products would be fried-up and eaten afterward.
Third-Grader Watching Another Year Of Back To School Commercials Suddenly Realizes He’ll Die One Day #~# WINCHESTER, MA—Spellbound by his own thoughts as the words “Classroom Essentials” appeared on screen and washed over him in a cold tide of sudden awareness, incoming third-grader Harrison Jacobs was struck Friday by a sudden recognition of his own mortality brought on by another year of back-to-school commercials. “Every fall, the same Target ad—oh, God, the steps of the Reaper echo in the inexorable turning of the seasons, and it comes for me as it comes for us all,” said 9-year-old boy, who found himself transfixed by the same child actors who, he is dimly aware, will model low-cost backpacks and raincoats year after year after year, trapped digitally in time like insects in amber, never aging, impervious to the cruel lockstep of the passing years, which, like rain on stone, will slowly erode Jacobs’ precious youth before inevitably—but not gently, no, never gently—claiming his being and returning it to the universe, as it must with all that lives. “Their carefree smiles may see eternity, captured while taking $4.99 and $6.99 composition notebooks from their lockers, and yet one day the children who smiled those smiles will perish, their flesh returned into the Earth, and their thoughts, their loves, their pain will vanish, to where none know, subsumed into nothingness or eternity, as will the essences everyone they’ve ever held dear. And what of me? For the moment in third grade, but next year it’s fourth, and then fifth, and then ninth, and then college, and then middle age, and then, in time’s fullness, I’ll altogether cease. Oh, my life. What am I doing with my life?” Jacobs has since taken his mind off the subject by trying to find school binders that don’t have totally stupid graphics on them.
GOP Gasps As Red-Eyed Shadow Counsel Smashes Out Of Gestation Tank #~# WASHINGTON—Recoiling in horror at the spectacular power of their newly birthed creation, members of the GOP reportedly gasped Thursday as a red-eyed, shadow special counsel smashed out of a gestation tank, with the dark Robert Mueller sputtering, “I will exonerate Trump.” “My God, what have we done?” said California representative Devin Nunes as the merciless identical counterpart to the special counsel, who was created from DNA covertly harvested from Robert Mueller in order to halt the former FBI director’s progress on the Russia probe, exploded from the straps binding him in the incubation chamber, sloughed off the birthing gel, lurched forward, snapped Rand Paul’s neck, and quickly put on the Kentucky senator’s suit. “Look upon him—why, he is both man and beast. The world shall never be the same thanks to this abomination.” At press time, the shadow counsel jumped out of a nearby window and began heading to the D.C. Appellate Court in order to file a writ to have Paul Manafort’s conviction reversed, citing wrongful admission of evidence.
American Psychiatric Association Adds ‘Obsessive Categorization Of Mental Conditions’ To ‘DSM-5’ #~# WASHINGTON—As part of their ongoing mission to keep their classifications updated with the most recent available findings, the American Psychiatric Association announced Thursday the supplemental addition of “Obsessive Categorization of Mental Conditions” to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders. “We’ve seen a significant increase in the number of people reporting an urgent, uncontrollable desire to research, report on, and catalog the symptoms of various mental disorders,” said head researcher Paula Ramos, stressing several times that the most apparent signs of OCMC include the compulsive noting of minute details regarding thousands and thousands of perceived signs of illness followed by extreme organizational tendencies and repeated attempts to achieve publication in prominent medical journals. “Our findings indicate that this condition exists in a spectrum, with some sufferers focusing on general diseases while others are more prone to clustering within a specific subset of the mental health field. We’re confident that continued study will assist doctors in more easily identifying and treating this debilitating disorder, and what we’ve painstakingly catalogued as its 117 common variants and 286 sub-variants, so that its sufferers can go on to live productive, untroubled lives.” Ramos also suggested that OCMC itself could be merely part of a much larger, though mostly benign, mental disorder involving obsessive attempts at educating oneself in order to help others.
Newly Unearthed Journals Reveal J. Robert Oppenheimer Annoyed Trinity Test Researchers By Quoting ‘Bhagavad Gita’ Every Time They Did Anything #~# LOS ALAMOS, NM—Granting researchers meaningful insights into the work environment of the top-secret Manhattan Project nuclear program, a set of newly unearthed journals reveal theoretical physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer annoyed his fellow scientists during the Trinity Test by quoting the Bhagavad Gita every time they did anything. “At first, I thought it was rather engaging, how Mr. Oppenheimer was able to recite so many verses from memory, and ruminating upon the concept of dharma was quite interesting for a little while; but we worked some rather long days at the primary site, and when one is attempting to calculate precisely the explosive energy of a nuclear weapon, all attention must be brought to bear on one’s slide rule, and that shit gets old,” the recently discovered journals of fellow researcher Vannevar Bush read in part, revealing that Oppenheimer subjected military personnel, his fellow scientists, the carpenters constructing the test pylon, and anyone else who would listen to hours of incessant babbling about the sacred Hindu text. “Even during meals, while we made small talk and attempted to acquaint ourselves with each other, Robert would quite simply not shut up about Krishna and Arjuna. I’ll admit, a chill went through me when he made his pronouncement directly following the explosion; but for days and weeks afterwards we’d be, say, making plans for lunch and from nowhere he’d declaim ‘I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds,’ and, honestly, how can you enjoy a sandwich while sitting across from a man like that? Does he even know how significant that verse is?” The journal entries also revealed that the Trinity Test could have been conducted in only a few days had it not been for the time Oppenheimer quoted all 700 verses of the Bhagavad Gita while distracted technicians attempted to assemble the device’s core.
EPA’s New Coal Rule Could Cause 1,400 More Deaths Per Year #~# The Trump administration’s new rules rolling back restrictions on coal emissions admit that they may cause 1,400 more premature deaths per year and will likely increase cases of asthma. What do you think?
Sen. Hatch Says Trump Allegations Not Serious Enough That Scales Should Fall From Eyes Revealing What Madness We Have Begotten #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of Paul Manafort’s conviction and Michael Cohen’s guilty plea, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) told reporters Thursday that the mounting allegations against President Trump are not yet serious enough to make the scales fall from the eyes of Republicans and allow them to behold the sheer shrieking madness they have begotten. “Simply put, there is at present insufficient evidence against the Trump administration to justify the tearing of blindfolds from Republican eyes at this point, and therefore, we remain safe from gazing in horror at the maelstrom of sheer insanity that we ourselves have loosed upon the world,” said Hatch, claiming it would be woefully premature for Congress to commit themselves to any course of action in which they might glimpse the unveiled face of the ravening madness vomited into existence by them and them alone. “Perhaps six months from now, as even more damning details of the president’s action are divulged, we can more confidently open our eyes to the corrosive reality we unleashed when we damned ourselves by giving birth to this repellent idiot abomination, suckling it on the putrescence of our own squalid ambition, weaning it with pain and hatred in our foul nest of all-consuming mania to slaver forever in the fetid darkness, untouched by mercy or hope. But until then, the GOP will take the wait-and-see approach.” At press time, Hatch declined to support measures to ensure the preservation of the republic should Congress stare into the abyss of their own blasphemous hypocrisy and, in so doing, be consumed by it.
New Liver Can Really Handle Its Scotch #~# MISHAWAKA, IN—After thoroughly testing its alcohol metabolization and blood-cleansing properties with a 1.75-liter bottle of Cutty Sark, sales manager Randall Young confirmed Thursday that his new liver could really handle its scotch. “I had no idea how bad my old liver was until I tried this one,” Young said of the pristine new multifunction gland he spent nearly two years waiting to take out for a spin. “Seriously, I’ve been pounding this shit all night and I feel completely fine—better than I have in years. Used to be I’d have like 10, maybe 12 shots and I’d be puking up what little bile my old liver could secrete, but this one is a fucking tank. Makes my kidneys look like garbage. I’m ready for another 10, and I’m not even turning yellow.” Young claimed his only regret was that such a “kickass” organ had to spend 28 years cooped up in a triathlete.
God Irritated Guests Do Not Understand It Time To Leave Heaven #~# THE HEAVENS—Growing increasingly annoyed at their clear ignorance of basic social cues, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly irritated Thursday that His guests did not understand it was far past time for them to leave Heaven. “For fuck’s sake, I didn’t say they could stay forever—some of them have been here for centuries now,” said the frustrated Almighty, who had long since ceased any attempts to entertain the guests and had instead begun to loudly do household chores throughout Heaven’s blissful expanses, a hint that was completely lost on the millions of souls who remained casually reclined on their respective clouds or catching up with their deceased loved ones. “I’m always happy to let people crash for a few nights, but enough is enough. I have shit I need to get done. Plus, they’re eating me out of house and home. I’ve tried every trick in the book to get them to split. I even told them I was taking a trip outside the universe for a while, but they were still here when I got back. I turned off the harp music a long time ago—it’s like, come on, party’s over.” At press time, the fed-up Heavenly Father had finally worked up the courage to casually ask Mother Teresa about her plans for the rest of the day. 
American Classmates Having Difficulty Understanding Better Educated Foreign Exchange Student #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Addressing the glaringly obvious cultural and linguistic differences that have become apparent in their American classroom, students at Anderson Valley High School admitted Thursday that they were experiencing difficulty understanding Timo Mäkinen, a far more thoroughly educated foreign exchange student visiting from Finland. “I feel bad because Timo is new to this country and we want him to feel welcome, but every time he speaks, the class gets lost in about five seconds because of the thoroughly informed, nuanced concepts he shares,” Anderson Valley principal Alexis Howard said of Mäkinen, whose nation avoids the almost useless practice of regular standardized testing and pays for the mandatory Masters education required of all Finnish teachers. “He always raises his hand respectfully while participating in class discussions, talks about countries the students have never heard of, and tries to help other students with the basics of math and science, but they just get confused. He even sticks out at lunch because he doesn’t eat hot dogs and cafeteria pizza. Timo’s polite about it, but he just sticks to vegetables and yogurt. And it doesn’t help that kids say it’s really hard to understand what he’s talking about due to his precise English diction and extensive vocabulary.” Howard remains hopeful that she could still make Mäkinen feel at home, as they were slated to spend time hiding in the same room during next week’s school shooting lockdown drill.
Students Excited To See Slate Of Notable Speakers Who Will Be Disinvited To Campus This Year #~# BERKELEY, CA—Eagerly speculating over who will make up the roster of controversial public intellectuals, students at the University of California, Berkeley told reporters Thursday they were excited to see the slate of notable speakers who will be disinvited to campus this year. “Man, I can’t wait to see which political figures will be invited to campus by various student groups and then forbidden from speaking due mass public outcry,” said sophomore Juliette Hadley, adding that it’s always a thrill to learn which academics and pundits will be refused a platform after the administration caves to the demands of enraged campus activists. “A big thing that attracted me to this school is all of the prominent speakers who are forced to call off their lectures due to safety concerns. One of the best benefits of attending college is being exposed to a diversity of methods for shutting down debate.” At press time, Hadley expressed disappointment after the university decided to just play it safe and not invite anyone to campus this year.
Andrew Luck Vows To Bring Indianapolis Fans Another Great Pizza Ad #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Stressing the difficulty of following in the footsteps of an all-time legend, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck vowed Thursday to bring Indianapolis fans another great pizza ad. “It’s been far too long since Colts fans have been able to call a pizza ad campaign their own, but I’m going to do my best to bring them the high-quality commercials they deserve,” said Luck, explaining that he always dreamed of standing on the soundstage and proudly holding up a slice of pepperoni pizza just like one of his heros. “Peyton Manning gave Indianapolis one of the best pizza promotion runs the NFL has ever seen. I may not be able to live up to that, but Colts fans should know I’m reading scripts and working on my pie-flipping mechanics every day to make sure I honor his legacy.” At press time, Luck was projected to be out for the rest of the season after tearing his rotator cuff while opening a pizza box.
Michael Cohen Reaches Plea Deal With Prosecutors #~# Donald Trump’s former attorney Michael Cohen has reached a plea deal with prosecutors for alleged financial fraud charges, although it is yet unclear whether he will testify in other matters such as the special investigation into the president’s 2016 campaign. What do you think?
Aspiring Felon Moved By Man Who Didn’t Get First 8 Convictions Until His 60s #~# TOPEKA, KS—Deeply inspired by the senior citizen’s refusal to conform to society’s rigid and closed-minded expectations, aspiring felon Matthias Winnow said Wednesday how moved he was that lawyer and lobbyist Paul Manafort, 69, didn’t get his first eight convictions until his late 60s. “Wow. Just wow. I thought my best years were already behind me and I would never get a shot at a big-time crime, but a hustler like Manafort really goes to show how you can become a successful felon later in life,” a misty-eyed Winnow said of the former Trump campaign chairman, recalling the moment he first learned that Manafort—at the age when most men like him were either already serving lifetime sentences or had been shot while trying to escape—was found guilty on eight counts of financial fraud. “Everyone tells you that if you don’t have at least a couple arrests by the time you’re 30, you might as well forget it. Manafort has proved them all wrong, and for that, I’ll always be grateful. This gives me the confidence boost I need to go out and prove that it’s not too late for me to become an accomplished criminal, too.” Winnow also expressed his hope that Manafort continues his streak and is found guilty of conspiracy and obstruction of justice in his upcoming September trial. 
Trump Boys Frantically Burning Stacks Of Printed-Out Emails To Eliminate Paper Trail #~# WASHINGTON—After learning that their father’s associates Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen were guilty of crimes and Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation was continuing to expand, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly frantically burning stacks of their printed-out emails Wednesday to eliminate their paper trail. “Okay, Eric, I think we melted down all the stuff we wrote from last year so now Mr. Mueller can’t never find it—time to start wrecking all the emails from this year,” said Trump Jr., who, along with his brother, had stayed up all night printing out every single email ever sent or received by either of the boys and setting the stacks of paper ablaze in a plastic garbage can to eliminate any evidence that could be used against them in an investigation. “We gotta type up copies of our texts so we can print them out and burn those, too—you can’t be too careful with the witch hunt. And once we finish burning all the evidence, we have to take pictures of our faces on Instagram and then print out those, too, and burn them so we can delete our identities. Then we have to leave and never come back, okay? We have to go to one of the small dots on a map where they can’t find us.” At press time, the Trump boys were attempting to erase any trace of their deliberate destruction of evidence by using masking tape to secure rocks to the top of the printer and pushing the device into the depths of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool where it would “never, ever be found.”
Paul Manafort Found Guilty Of 8 Counts Of Fraud #~# Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort has been found guilty of eight counts of fraud, which could carry 11 to 14 years of prison time. What do you think?
Nation Would Be Totally Fine Just Doing World Series Now #~# WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that they got the point and were ready to move on to something else, Americans from across the country confirmed Wednesday that it would be fine for Major League Baseball to just start the World Series right now. “Honestly, why not just pick a couple teams and start playing? We’ve been watching for four months already, we know who’s good, so we might as well wrap this thing up,” said Lawrence, KS resident Jeff Moreno, who echoed the sentiment of millions while explaining how playing another two months of baseball seemed like overkill at this point, and that they were going to start watching football and basketball pretty soon. “At the very least, they should skip to the championship series and make them single-game play-ins—nobody is going to argue with that. Everyone who wanted to go see a game this season has gone by now, and we’ve seen enough home runs. Let’s cross this off the list before it gets cold outside.” At press time, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred had agreed with the rest of the nation and announced that the Houston Astros would defeat the Chicago Cubs 4-2 to become the new World Series champions.
GOP Quick To Point Out That Michael Cohen Was Merely RNC’s Deputy Finance Chairman #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining the position was essentially a minor role, the GOP quickly pointed out Wednesday that Michael Cohen was merely the Republican National Committee’s deputy finance chairman. “Look, at the end of the day, all Michael Cohen did was help oversee the finances for one of the two major American political parties in a leading capacity,” said RNC chair Ronna Romney McDaniel, adding that the president’s lawyer, who was under investigation for $20 million in bank fraud, was only the second most powerful person when it came to determining the nationwide organization’s budget and long-term financial goals. “Seriously, he wasn’t in charge of all of the money; there were at least two or three people above him. People are acting like Cohen was this super important figure, but when you look at it, he just worked in a top position for a political group representing over 60 million Americans.” The GOP was also quick to point out that Paul Manafort, who was found guilty of eight counts of financial crimes, only served as the campaign manager for the current United States president, performing minor tasks such as handpicking Mike Pence as Donald Trump’s running mate.
Mueller Immediately Regrets Coercing Michael Cohen To Flip On Trump After Having To Spend Time With Him #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting that it was probably the worst mistake he has made since starting the investigation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller told reporters Wednesday that he immediately regretted coercing Michael Cohen to flip on the president after having to spend time with him. “At first, I thought that getting Cohen to cooperate would be great for the case, but Jesus, I can’t handle dealing with this fucking idiot,” said a visibly irritated Mueller, explaining that gaining valuable evidence on Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election straight from a source deep within Trump’s inner circle just wasn’t worth hearing the “smug, insufferable moron blathering on and on.” “We’re only a quarter of the way through, and this obnoxious dumbass is already on my last nerve. I should have just let him go to trial—this is excruciating.” Mueller later conceded that he was happy that Manafort hadn’t flipped yet because he doesn’t think he could handle “30 seconds in a room with that annoying shithead.”
Gwyneth Paltrow Reveals Secret To Her Healthy, Radiant Skin Eating 20 Pounds Of Kielbasa A Day #~# LOS ANGELES—Finally divulging the most sought-after of her many beauty and wellness methods, Gwyneth Paltrow revealed Wednesday that the secret to her healthy, radiant skin was nothing more than her consumption of 20 pounds of kielbasa a day. “There are so many easy changes you can make in your day-to-day routine that make an instant difference in your complexion—and for me, that’s always meant setting aside four or five minutes every morning to wolf down a couple big rings of smoked Polish pork sausage,” the actress-turned-wellness-guru wrote in an editorial featured on her lifestyle website Goop, enhancing the article with a step-by-step skincare guide beginning with frying the sausages in lard alongside bacon and onions, accompanying the treatment with an entire loaf of caraway rye slathered in butter, and concluding with a pore-refining post-sausage cigarette and frosted mug of dark beer. “There are always lot of questions when setting off on a new skincare journey, but it’s important you feel free to make adjustments based on whatever’s right for your skin—explore the different nurturing effects of boiled or baked kielbasa, serving with pore-shrinking sauerkraut, cleansing mustard, or even a pound or two of invigorating egg noodles in a sour cream and chitterling sauce. Just listen to your body.” Paltrow concluded her post with a recommendation that users purchase one of her $80 artisanal pork fat candles, which she claims are specifically molded and dipped for purposes of postprandial meditation.
Nation Shudders To Think How Bad Things Would Seem If They Didn’t Have Access To A Never-Ending Torrent Of Free Pornography #~# WASHINGTON—Discouraged and demoralized almost to the breaking point by news of political corruption at the highest levels, images of migrant children still being kept in cages, time-lapse videos of disappearing polar ice caps, and a constant barrage of other relentlessly harrowing information, sources across the nation are shuddering to think how terrible the world would seem if they were denied access to an inexhaustible torrent of free pornography. “We are witnessing nothing less than our entire civilization being brought to the point of collapse, and I’m not entirely sure how I would handle that without an unlimited stream of high-quality sexual imagery,” said Jacob Krieger, 29, noting that on-demand access to over 13 million hours of every conceivable form of recorded human perversion was “a great help” while observing the inexorable transition of the world’s democratic nations into authoritarian states. “I just can’t imagine how depressed I would be if I had to face this broken world, where greed and intolerance have been elevated to the status of virtues and the most ruthless bullies are celebrated as role models, if I was ever more than a few clicks away from more smut than I could watch in 10 lifetimes.” At press time, the nation was dealing with breaking news regarding the staggering surge in the number of central European women abducted into the international sex trade by watching the Cubs game.
Pros And Cons Of Trump’s Space Force #~# President Trump is apparently moving forward on his controversial proposal to create a space force as the sixth branch of the U.S. military, with members of his administration beginning to discuss how it would function. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of developing a space force.
Landlord Promises To Figure Out Why Leaky Ceiling Not His Fault #~# QUEENS, NY—Promising to pass the blame in a professional and timely fashion, Sunnyside neighborhood landlord Bob Recine assured his tenants Wednesday that he would devote all possible resources to determining exactly why several sudden and mysterious leaks in their ceiling were not his fault. “Don’t even worry about it, I’ll get to the bottom of whatever thing besides my shoddy workmanship and my use of low-quality plumbing is causing this—I’m sending my most equivocating guys up there to find out exactly what went wrong and how, probably, you caused it,” said Recine, 61, who also instructed his tenants to “just shove a bucket” under the five-gallon-per-hour leak until maintenance could inspect the pipes at an unspecified time this weekend. “If I can’t get back to you with an elaborate excuse in about five days, then feel free to call and remind me how I’m not responsible for any of this shit.” In further developments, the leak has stopped for no apparent reason and with no action taken by Recine, who has in turn assessed the tenants a $275 surcharge to cover maintenance costs.
Pope Francis Pens Scathing Letter About Abuse Scandal #~# Condemning the “crime” of priestly sexual abuse, Pope Francis penned an apology letter this week stressing that the Catholic Church has “showed no care for the little ones; we abandoned them.” What do you think?
PETA Condemns BBC For Trapping Thousands Of Endangered Animals Inside TV Screens #~# LOS ANGELES—Slamming the practice as cruel and inhumane, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals condemned the British Broadcasting Corporation Tuesday for trapping thousands of endangered animals inside television screens. “It is disgusting the way the BBC keeps these endangered species confined inside TV screens when they should be out running wild in their natural habitats,” said Lisa Lange, senior vice president of communications for the organization, adding that many elephants were forced to live in cramped television screens and computer monitors as small as 12 inches. “For decades, the BBC has been ensnaring threatened populations of gorillas, rhinos, and wolves inside pixelated LCD and plasma-screen televisions. While they do their best to recreate their natural habitats, it’s just not the same as allowing them to roam free.” At press time, PETA was urging their supporters to smash their television sets to free the threatened wildlife.
Rudolph Giuliani: ‘Truth Isn’t Truth’ #~# Describing his reluctance to allow the president to speak with the special counsel’s office, Trump lawyer Rudolph Giuliani told Meet The Press host Chuck Todd that “truth isn’t truth.” What do you think?
Frustrated Men Demand To Know ‘Exactly Where On Tits It Okay To Touch Nowadays’ #~# KUTZTOWN, PA—Expressing their confusion and anger over today’s ever-changing social mores, the nation’s self-described “frustrated ordinary men” demanded Tuesday that someone tell them exactly which area on a woman’s breasts it was still acceptable to just walk up and touch. “We can’t keep track of every time some damn woman changes her mind, so let’s just get this straight once and for all: Ladies, exactly where on your tits is it cool for me touch without filling out, like, three forms and getting written permission approved by a notary public?” a press release from “America’s average guys” read in part, also claiming that increased awareness of sexual harassment was “political correctness out of control” and “that crazy Denise changes the rules all the time.” One group member, speaking on conditions of anonymity “because, like the feminists need any more ammunition, know what I mean?” called for a clear delineation of boundaries, saying, “If I’m out to eat, I can’t say anything about the waitresses’ boobs anymore. And this is at my favorite restaurant! I barely even feel safe grazing up against them, and God forbid I try and get a handful. This used to be a great country.” At press time, the nation’s “salt-of-the-earth everyday men” had resigned to “play it safe” and “stick to slapping asses, for now.”
New Neutrogena Extra-Strength Face Wash Instantly Dissolves Bad Skin #~# LOS ANGELES—Claiming their new quick-acting solution will slough off your oily T-zone and other problem areas within seconds, Neutrogena introduced Tuesday an extra-strength face wash that instantly and permanently dissolves bad skin. “We’re excited to offer customers our new ultra-astringent Extra-Strength Skin Remover, a formulation of pomegranate essence, lavender, and all-natural hydrogen ions clinically proven to break down 99.9 percent of unsightly flesh,” read a press release from Neutrogena in part, also explaining that the patented five-acid solution penetrates epidermal, dermal, and subcutaneous tissue before sublimating it away completely. “Finally, a purifying formula that permanently washes away oily, dry, or simply unwanted skin in the blink of an eye. All you have to do is apply with a dry cloth, wait for five to 10 seconds as the cream corrodes your face, and enjoy the satisfaction of seeing unhealthy toxins, unwanted hair follicles, overworked nerve endings, unsightly fat, striated muscle tissue, and any other flesh fall right into your sink.” The press release also noted that Extra-Strength Skin Remover works best when used with Neutrogena’s anti-aging Pearlescent Cartilage Polisher.
Record Number Died In Opioid Epidemic In 2017 #~# Overdoses from opioids hit a record high of 72,000, CDC estimates suggest, although deaths have started decreasing in parts of New England thanks to government responses. What do you think?
LeBron James Crestfallen After Learning L.A. Doesn’t Have Any Rock And Roll Museums #~# LOS ANGELES—Disappointed that his new home lacked Cleveland’s amazing variety of cultural institutions, Lakers power forward LeBron James was reportedly crestfallen Tuesday after learning Los Angeles does not have any rock and roll museums. “I always loved the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame in Cleveland and just kind of assumed a big city like L.A. would have a few of them, or least at least an even nicer one. It’s really a bummer,” said James, who also complained about his fruitless search around the city for a World War II submarine as beautifully restored as Cleveland’s USS Cod. “Honestly, it’s been a big let down—none of the neighborhoods I’ve been to are as cool and arty as the Flats and Tremont. Cleveland had the lakefront, too. L.A. doesn’t have any great lakes, and I haven’t spotted a single James Garfield Monument.” James did admit that while L.A. can’t compare to Cleveland on the culture front, it’s far better than the shithole city of Miami.
Emotional Elon Musk Recalls Spending Entire Birthday Working On Concepts For Mistreating Employees #~# LOS ANGELES—Revealing his vulnerable side in a starkly honest interview, an emotional Elon Musk recalled this week how he spent his entire birthday alone working on concepts for new ways to mistreat employees at the Tesla factory. “When you’re the CEO, the responsibility of developing innovative new ways of underpaying the workers falls to you, as does compromising their safety or punishing them for not meeting unrealistically high unit quotas, and sometimes that means sacrificing your personal life—even your own birthday,” said Musk, adding that it was very lonely staying up all night researching adhesive toxicity in order to increase exposure to harmful fumes among workers. “Yes, it would have been nice to spend my birthday with friends and family instead of holed up in the factory devising new ways for employees to be disfigured by clouds of caustic chemical vapor or seared by welding robots while they work 16-hour shifts to meet my insane 495 percent production increase. But I feel, as CEO and chief visionary, that I owe it to the guys on the line to see it all through to the end. Sure, I miss cake and candles; I’m not a monster. But if I don’t spend hours removing that ugly, restrictive yellow caution tape from the factory floor, or improvise a workstation ergonomics layout that encourages repetitive stress injuries, who will?” Musk claimed to take only small comfort in the knowledge that due to their remarkably long stints in either the factory or hospital, his employees were missing many important life events as well.
Ingenious Political Analyst Points Out Irony Of Melania Trump Speaking Out Against Cyber Bullying When Her Husband Donald Trump #~# WASHINGTON—In a dazzling display of superior intellect and penetrating insight, ingenious political analyst Mark Morelli pointed out Monday the irony of Melania Trump speaking out against cyberbullying when her husband is U.S. President Donald Trump. “Wow, it is so hypocritical of the first lady to criticize cyberbullying when she’s married to a man who regularly uses social media to harass and torment people,” said Morelli, using his shrewd acumen to alert readers to the complex paradox, which most unthinking plebeians lack the brilliance to discern.“I mean, seriously, right after she spoke, he was tweeting insults about his political opponents. Does she not realize the pot is calling the kettle black?” At press time, the nation was thankful to have someone who was so willing to speak truth to power.
Trump Cancels Military Parade, Citing Price #~# President Trump cancelled plans for a Washington, D.C. military parade originally scheduled to happen on Nov. 10, 2018, blaming costs reported to be as high as $92 million. What do you think?
Trump Accuses Voters Of Meddling In Midterms #~# WASHINGTON—Warning that the group was secretly planning to affect the outcome of the November elections, President Donald Trump accused voters Monday of meddling in the upcoming midterms. “It’s clear that the disgusting and disgraceful voters are going to try to influence the midterms—the voters must be stopped!” said Trump in a series of tweets, asserting that millions of voters were potentially involved in a massive, coordinated effort to handpick election winners. “I’ve been hearing about all these voters who are already plotting to go to their polling place, show their ID, and cast their vote all on the same day, and that’s a big problem. And it’s already happening, folks—just take a look at the primaries. We’ve got voters with ulterior motives online, too, trying to influence people by spreading information about candidates on social media. We absolutely cannot as a society allow voters to meddle in our elections, and if we don’t do something, voters will try to interfere with the 2020 presidential election, too.” At press time, Trump’s advisors were reportedly attempting to calm him down by reminding him that there was virtually no evidence to suggest that American voters were interested in influencing midterm elections.
Secretary Of Education Reveals She’s Forced To Use Own Salary On Yacht Supplies #~# WASHINGTON—Tearing up while describing how insufficient government funding often fails to cover the cost of essential materials, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos revealed Monday that she was forced to use her own salary to purchase supplies for her yacht. “People are under the false impression that yachts come fully stocked with all the things you’d need to create a great environment, like caterers and live cellists, but they don’t realize that I often have to pay out of my own pocket, and that gets very pricey,” said DeVos, revealing that under the current Department of Education budget, she was obliged to shell out of thousands of dollars to outfit her yacht with all-new bidets. “It’s really tough, because I just want to make sure that everyone who steps foot onto this vessel has an enriching experience that lasts a lifetime. We’re talking about 30 or more guests at every party—it adds up quickly. Just maintaining the wine cellar accounts for nearly one-third of my salary. It’s no wonder so many yacht owners get burnt out after even a short period of time.” At press time, the GoFundMe account that DeVos set up to raise money to redo her marble countertops had already hit $2.7 million in donations.
Icy Cave At Peak Of Andes Mountains Now Sole Remaining Place On Earth Where You Can Escape This #~# MENDOZA PROVINCE, ARGENTINA—Noting that it was the only location on the planet to calm your mind and forget about everything going on, sources confirmed Monday that a secluded cave on an icy peak in the Andes mountains is the one place left on earth where you can escape this. “If you wish to free yourself from all of this, your sole viable option is to hike 15 days through blistering subzero temperatures to a remote, frozen Argentinian cavern that, unlike every other location on the globe, remains unaffected by any of it,” sources said of the small and almost inaccessible refuge, which is situated 22,000 feet above sea level at the summit of Aconcagua and is the lone spot without internet access and far from radio and television signals where you are still able to live a peaceful, quiet, and honest life in which you are not constantly bombarded by all this. “Not even the most desolate stretches of the Sahara or isolated depths of the Amazon are cloistered enough for you to avoid this entirely. It’s only upon reaching the cave that you will find yourself far enough away from this to actually, for once, hear your own thoughts. Here, and here alone, will everything finally dissipate as the refrain of ‘I am here, I am here’ occupies your serene and, at last, undisturbed mind.” At press time, reports confirmed the icy cave was no longer a place where you can escape this.
Michael Cohen Relieved To Remember It Illegal To Charge Lawyer With Crime #~# NEW YORK—Admitting that he initially started to panic upon discovering that federal prosecutors were investigating him for charges of bank and tax fraud, Michael Cohen reportedly expressed relief Monday after remembering that it is illegal to charge a lawyer with a crime. “Wow, I was really freaking out there for a second thinking I was definitely going to prison, but then I remembered you have immunity from all criminal charges when you’re a lawyer,” said Cohen, adding that his concern over the mounting evidence that he was involved in multiple crimes while serving as President Trump’s lawyer disappeared after he recalled the part of getting admitted to the bar that makes questioning a lawyer about anything they’ve ever done a Class A felony. “I can’t believe I almost forgot that lawyers are the part of the legal system who talk about the laws when they prosecute and defend people for crimes, not the people who actually have laws applied to them. Lawyers obviously get attorney–legal system privilege. Jeez, though, that was close.” At press time, Cohen was growing even more relaxed after recalling all the lawyers he knows who have committed scores of illegal acts and never received any punishment whatsoever.
Tim Burton Worried He Going Through A Bit Of A 14-Movie Slump #~# LOS ANGELES—Acknowledging his recent output had failed to live up to its full potential, Hollywood director Tim Burton expressed concern Monday that he might be going through a bit of a 14-movie slump. “It just seems like I’ve sort of been in a rough spot here for the past two or three decades,” said Burton, 59, admitting that he really thought he had turned a corner with Big Fish, only to take eight steps backward with Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride, Sweeney Todd, Alice In Wonderland, Dark Shadows, Frankenweenie, Big Eyes, and Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children. “I recognize, of course, that it’s all part of the process. Sometimes, you just need to make 14 bad movies to make a good one. Still, it’s not fun knowing that your artistic impulses haven’t been totally aligning for the last three quarters of your career.” At press time, Burton vowed that he would plow through his next six bombs as quickly as possible so he could put everything he had into Beetlejuice 2.
Grocery Store Bar Actually Has Great Little Happy Hour, Reports Man With A Serious Problem #~# CHICAGO—Elated with his discovery of an establishment that fits seamlessly into both his daily routine and his self-destructive lifestyle, local grocery shopper Alan Cordova, who has a serious and debilitating problem, announced Monday that the bar at his local grocery store actually has a great little happy hour. “You’d be surprised, but they actually have a pretty good selection of craft beer on draft, and the wines by the glass are only four or five bucks. Sometimes, I’ll even go and hang out there when I don’t need groceries,” Cordova said of his local Mariano’s Fresh Market, where he has spent an average of $235 a week for the past month and from which he has brought home a large bottle of Tums, eight cans of Progresso Chicken and Sausage Gumbo, and a 24-pack of toilet paper. “The happy hour only lasts from 3-6 p.m., but if you stay later, they stretch the prices another half an hour or so. Some people even grab wine to sip while they shop, but I like to just sit there and chat with the bartenders, who are decent folks and will wait for your Uber with you after closing. There’s even sometimes a guy who plays piano nearby, which is nice because it helps drown out the shoppers, but if you go on weekday afternoons like me, it’s usually pretty quiet anyway.” Management at Mariano’s declined to comment at length, citing their legal responsibility not to discuss ongoing public intoxication lawsuits, but did say they hoped that Cordova was getting the help he needs.
India Rolls Out Healthcare For 500 Million People #~# Just before his reelection campaign, Indian prime minister Narendra Modi is expected roll out the world’s biggest government healthcare program, providing basic healthcare to 500 million more people. What do you think?
Spotify May Allow Unlimited Ad Skipping For Free Users #~# Streaming app Spotify is testing a new feature in Australia that allows non-paying users to skip an unlimited number of ads, allowing them to better track information about which ads users do and do not skip. What do you think?
Ditching Tight Pants Improves Sperm Count #~# Researchers at Harvard found that individuals wearing boxer shorts had a 25 percent higher sperm concentration those in tight-fitting underwear, most likely due to the cooler temperatures inside boxers. What do you think?
Germany Running Out Of Beer Bottles #~# Due to unusually high temperatures, German beer consumption has risen rapidly, causing a shortage in the over 3 billion beer bottles in circulation. What do you think? 
Vatican On Sex Abuse Report: ‘Listen, No Normal Person Is Going To Sign Up To Be A Priest’ #~# VATICAN CITY—Following a Pennsylvania grand jury’s report on widespread sexual abuse of children by priests and a cover-up that spanned decades, the Vatican released a statement Friday saying “listen, no normal person is going to sign up to be a priest.” “Look, we ask an awful lot of ordained priests and make them follow all these bizarre rules, so it shouldn’t be surprising that we have trouble finding people who aren’t degenerate creeps,” said Pope Francis, adding that although the Vatican would encourage members of the clergy to stop engaging in child abuse, there ultimately wasn’t that much they could do since the Church’s mandate of celibacy and its tacit acceptance of child abusers “basically turns away all well-adjusted, reasonable people at the door.” “It’s only gotten worse over the years because regular people would much rather have actual experiences in the real world than be cooped up in a rectory insisting that they’re married to God or whatever. We’d bet that if we relaxed the rules, reformed the power dynamics, and allowed priests to marry and have sex, we wouldn’t be overrun by monsters who can’t function in normal society, but we’re not going to do that, so it’s just going to be a bunch of freaks and deviants from here on out. Honestly, the way the Church currently operates is pretty much designed to appeal only to sick fucks who know they’ll get away with moral atrocities, if you think about it.” Vatican officials also defended priests who have been accused of child abuse over the past several decades, saying that at this point, given all of the available information, only an incredibly negligent parent would allow a child to be associated with the Catholic Church in any way.
Server Unbelievably Touched To Be Asked Own Opinion On Whether Enchiladas Or Burger Better Choice #~# NOVI, MI—Vowing to give such an important request the respect it deserves, local Chili’s server Melissa Cortez told reporters Friday that she was unbelievably touched to be asked by a customer for her opinion on whether the enchiladas or burger was a better choice. “Oh, wow, for a lowly waiter like me to be asked by a patron whether I prefer the Sour Cream Chicken Enchiladas or the Southern Smokehouse Burger is just an incredible honor,” said a visibly emotional Cortez, adding that she never thought the day would come when a customer would not only look to her for guidance but also value her views on the tastiness of different menu items. “It’s such a huge compliment to have my food preferences given equal weight to those of the people I serve. I’m truly moved by it. I’ll make sure to think carefully about this because whatever I say could sway their entire order, and that is a huge responsibility that should not be taken lightly.” Cortez added that after much deliberation, she informed the table that, “to be honest, you can’t go wrong with either.”
Portrait Next To Coffin Most Likely The Deceased #~# EAST STROUDSBURG, PA—Intuiting that the close placement of the two objects was most likely not coincidental, funeral attendee Bryan Abboud made the assumption Friday that the man depicted in a portrait next to the coffin was more than likely the deceased. “Unless I’m missing something here, that’s got to be the dead guy, right? If it’s not him, it must be a really close friend or a life partner, but I’ve scanned the room three times now looking for that guy and he ain’t here,” said Abboud. “Thing is, it’s a closed-casket deal, so it’s impossible to say for sure. Plus, the coffin is covered with all of these flowers now, so there’s no way for me to just, like, crack it open a bit and sneak a peek.” Abboud also voiced his suspicions that a woman at a podium eulogizing her “beloved father” was almost certainly some blood relative of the deceased. 
Girlfriend Slowly Becoming Radicalized By New Skin-Care Blog #~# SPRINGVILLE, UT—Concerned by the disturbing changes in her behavior since she discovered the site earlier this year, local man Derek Wilkinson told reporters Friday he worries his girlfriend, Katie Spencer, has started to become radicalized by a skin-care blog.
‘Paw Patrol’ Writers Defend Episode Where German Shepherd Cop Shoots Unarmed Black Lab 17 Times In Back #~# LOS ANGELES—Explaining that their goal has always been to hold a mirror to society, whether focusing on the power of friendship or a racially motivated killing, the writers behind the hit children’s television series PAW Patrol defended a recent episode of the show Friday in which a German shepherd “police pup” shoots an unarmed black lab 17 times in the back. “What we tried to do in ‘Paw-lice Bru-tail-ity’ was use Chase’s gunning down of a weaponless Zuma to start a dialogue,” staffer Louise Moon said of the storyline in which a bigoted Cap’n Turbot reports a “thuggish black dog” for loitering in his gated community moments before Chase arrives, mistakes Zuma’s bone for a gun, and shoots indiscriminately at the fleeing canine while shouting his signature catchphrase, “These paws uphold the laws!” “The fact is that whether they’re 2- or 11-years-old, our viewers are smart enough to decide for themselves whether Chase’s family and career should be ripped apart just because of a split-second decision. Our job is just to represent the political moment—from the violent Antifa protests to Chase’s PTSD-fraught leave of absence—using the only medium we have, and I believe we did that.” At press time, the PAW Patrol writers remained silent about the episode involving the deportation of thousands of Chihuahuas accused of stealing jobs and crippling Adventure Bay’s economy.
Pros And Cons Of Mobile Payment Apps #~# The number of people using mobile payment apps like Apple Pay and Venmo continues to rise, although there are concerns that their convenience could come at the cost of security. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of mobile payment apps. 
World’s Religious Leaders Admit They Just Love Getting To Wear Frilly Little Gowns And Having A Blast #~# JERUSALEM—Talking of the deep satisfaction they feel when slipping on a gilded robe and chilling out with devotees, world leaders from Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and every other major religion admitted Friday that they just love getting to wear frilly little gowns and having a blast. “Yeah, what can I say? We just love wearing our cool dresses, lighting candles, and singing along with the crowd. It’s awesome,” said eastern orthodox elder Maikls Balodis, who claimed that every imam and priest in the world loves nothing more than prancing around on stage and putting on a fun show for worshipers while decked out in jewels and big ornate hats. “People give you tons of money, and you get to drink wine from crazy-ass gold chalices. The gowns all have cool designs and pretty chains and necklaces to wear with them. Everybody claps for you, too. We’re just hanging out and having the time of our lives.” Balodis added that dressing up and partying was so much fun that he takes part in the festivities despite getting no real spiritual satisfaction from his job.
West Hollywood Urges Removal of Trump’s Walk of Fame Star #~# The West Hollywood City Council approved a symbolic vote in support of removing President Trump’s star from the Walk of Fame, although the ultimate decision is governed by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. What do you think?
Trumpet Player Wishes Someone Would Sound Horns For Him When He Entered Castle Gates For Once #~# EOFERWIC, BRITANNIA—Saying that it really wasn’t such a grandiose request after years of loyal servitude, Ilbert Hildebrondus, a local court trumpeter at the Old Baile Keep, confirmed Wednesday he wishes that, just once, someone would sound the horns for him as he entered the castle gates. “All I’m saying is that one time in my whole career, it’d be nice to get a little fanfare before I walk through that portcullis,” said Hildebrondus, stressing that he wouldn’t even need to be wearing full royal regalia to enjoy being heralded with the short musical flourish he had rendered “literally hundreds of times” for dukes, lords, and viscounts. “I’m not asking for this to be an everyday thing here. All I’m saying is I’m nearly 23 now—I’ve given the best years of my life to this place, and it’d be a really nice reward to get a clarion call and have my name announced.” At press time, Hildebrondus had been flayed alive by the castle guard and displayed in a cage next to the entrance for stepping outside his station.
Head On Pike Really Pulling Together Castle’s Look #~# EAST FENS, BRITANNIA—Visitors and residents remarked this week that the severed, pike-mounted head of Duke Robert de L’Alsace, which was installed overlooking the moat outside the western portcullis of Castle Colgrave “doth quite pull together the castle’s look.” “Any fortified residence may sport pennants, crenelated battlements, arrow-slits, and murder-holes, yet a head on a pike is no mere ornament, but bespeaks a greater purpose, instills a sense as it were of willingness to take action, and furthermore really draws the eye,” the castle’s master chamberlain was heard to tell M’selle Dauphine de L’Alsace, who recently took residence in the castle tower in anticipation of her marriage to Lord Colgrave this coming autumntide. “Without that rotting skull, the vaulted ceilings and stained glass window are mere frippery, boasts without true commitment, without dedication, would you not agree? Certainly, a severed head taketh some upkeep, and oft needeth replacing, due to the effects of weather and worms; but Heaven has seen to provide us with slanderers aplenty and no end of pikes. And, lo! What a conversation piece! Should a visiting duke notice yon head, you merely have to ask him ‘Oh! Did you know Lord so-and-so?’ and you are off, don’t you see.” The peasantry, when asked, were almost unanimous in their agreement that the current head-on-a-pike was a great improvement over the last one, that of known blasphemer Lady Suzanne Colgrave.
Hotshot Peasant Has Window #~# HOBSCROSS, BRITANNIA—Taking exception with the flashy, non-accidental opening in the Western wall of the thatched hut, the serf community expressed disapproval Monday after discovering that Ernault Bauldry, a hotshot peasant and laborer in Hobscross fields, has a window. “Well, la-di-dah, look who’s putting on airs with letting the sun and the wind into his hovel. ‘Ooooh, I can see the midden from my hearth, me, on account of the window,’” said Auld Gonnar, 32, an aging swineherd of some local repute who is considering a second daubing of mud for his own hut’s leeward wall provided enough of his piglets live to autumn. “Well, congratulations, Ernault, just because you earn an extra penny or three each sixmonth, you’ve gone and let in all manner of demons and spirits of the air. Next, it’ll be fresh reeds in the thatch every St. Cumberthsday and a gaudy door that closes, you may depend on it, and bad cess to him, I say.” Ernault was not available for comment, having died that morning of an infected splinter received while cutting the window.
Pretentious Peasant Insists He Never Watches Beheadings #~# DINKELSBÜHL, GERMANIA—Stressing that he simply found the boorish displays to be beneath him in every respect, pretentious peasant Hans van Leden repeatedly insisted Friday that he never stoops to watching beheadings. “Frankly, I’ve always thought there was something a bit crass about frittering away your time in the churchyard with the rest of the masses, gawking at the decapitation of some heathen or other,” said van Leden, noting that he far preferred the intellectual rewards of listening to the “true majesty” of Gregorian plainchant to the lowbrow fare of flayings and impalements that his fellow field laborers somehow brought themselves to enjoy. “In fact, if another villager starts telling me how he just spent the whole eventide binge-watching witch drownings, I’ll usually just cut him off. Look, I’m sorry, but my idea of a good time involves something a little more culturally stimulating than standing in front of a scaffold and waiting for a sorcerer to be boiled alive.” Van Leden went on to brag that even if he had an interest in going to an execution, he was usually far too busy reading a parchment containing the single word he knows.
Knights Organization Denies Claims That Overhunting Could Lead To Extinction Of Dragons #~# WINTANCAESTER, BRITANNIA—In response to the outcry that has followed the distribution of woodcuts showing one of its members posing next to a beheaded dragon, the Chivalric Order of St. George issued a statement Wednesday rebuking the notion that the creatures could go extinct if knights continue to hunt them. “In this land, we have a fine tradition of sharpening our lances, riding to the edge of a distant forest, and slaying what dragons we find there, a practice that helps manage the population of these fire-breathing beasts and reduce incidents in which they unleash deadly torrents of flame upon our fields, homes, and livestock,” said Sir Berold of Warwick, the order’s lord prelate, who disputes critics’ claims that the number of dragons has plummeted 87 percent since the advent of the Iron Age in Britannia. “The meat of a single dragon can provide a feast for all who dwell within a lord’s keep, and its bones can be made into a hearty broth by any scullery wench. Even its scales and blood can be put to gainful use by our witches. Besides, if we ceased dragon-slaying, there would be no employment for our squires, and we would have no choice but to banish them from our manors and let them starve to death.” Sources confirmed Sir Berold later settled his differences with opponents of dragon hunting by holding a meeting in the town square during which every man, woman, and child who disagreed with him was burned at the stake.
Church Masses Going Wild Over Catchy New Gregorian Chant #~# ROME—Sweeping through the Holy Roman Empire from Saxony to Sardinia, the new Pope Innocent III–penned Gregorian chant “Veni Sancte Spiritus” was causing church masses to go wild Sunday with its catchy liturgical hooks and strict adherence to monastic traditions of composition. “The monks start intoning this soft, syllabic chant, everyone was tilting their heads slightly forward, and by the time it kicks in with the line ‘Lord, wash our sinful stains away,’ the whole congregation’s going nuts,” said local textile merchant Pietro de Volterra, who, after hearing the new chant at the Basilica of Santa Maria del Popolo, described it as the wildest craze to hit his parish since the chaplain Wipo of Burgundy’s “Victimae Paschali Laudes” was released back in the 11th century. “The melody never repeats, but somehow by the time they reached the ‘To Thy sweet yoke our stiff necks bow’ part, we were all singing along. We were so worked up that a few of the women appeared to faint from excitement, though of course that may simply have been the result of another typhoid outbreak.” At press time, reports confirmed de Volterra and his fellow congregants were punishing themselves for the pleasure they took in the music with a vigorous round of self-flagellation.
NBCU Readying Streaming Service That Pays Viewers To Watch It  #~# NBCUniversal plans to launch a streaming service that will incentivize viewers to watch shows with redeemable points and gift certificates. What do you think?
MoviePass Attempts To Increase Profitability By No Longer Mailing Out Free $500 A Month To Subscribers #~# NEW YORK—Admitting that this week’s devastating quarterly earnings report necessitated tough decisions on the part of the company, MoviePass CEO Mitch Lowe announced plans Thursday to increase profitability by no longer mailing out $500 checks to subscribers every month. “While this decision is sure to be unpopular with users, our internal projections show that not sending them $500 every 30 days will result in annual savings of almost $6,000 per subscriber,” said Lowe, noting that MoviePass’ financial situation was such that sending users as little as $300 per month may not be a sustainable business practice. “It’s tough because this was a cornerstone of our business model and also because people really loved those free checks. But we just can’t seem to turn a profit when the subscription fee we charge is only 99 cents. We thought maybe if we cut out the movie-viewing part entirely and made it a money mailing service it might work, but that didn’t really improve our operating costs.” Lowe assured wary investors that MoviePass would continue to offer 72 months of free service for new subscribers.
Trump Locked Out Of White House After Accidentally Revoking Own Security Clearance #~# WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly flustered while impotently pounding on the front door and pleading to come inside, President Trump was reportedly locked out of the White House Thursday after accidentally revoking his own security clearance. “C’mon, just open the door, guys! I didn’t mean to strip myself of access to classified information and restricted areas,” said Trump, who was forbidden from entering the premises after unwittingly writing his name on the list of individuals having their clearances revoked, thinking it was where he was supposed to place his signature. “Please, I’m sorry! I really wanna come back inside. It was an honest mistake. Oh, no, it’s starting to rain.” At press time, Trump pressed his face up and tapped on the window of the Oval Office, prompting John Kelly to pull down the blinds.
Report: Someone Robbed That KFC Again #~# MARSHFIELD, MO—In what the community believes to be something like the fifth such incident since the location’s grand opening in 2011, south side Marshfield sources reported Thursday that someone has robbed that one KFC yet again. “Yeah, that place is always getting robbed. I wouldn’t go in there if I were you—place is a magnet for stickups,” said local resident and once-frequent Garfield Avenue KFC customer Yannis Mikotis, who was forced to modify his lunch plans upon hearing of the chicken restaurant franchise’s most recent brush with crime. “Sucks, because it was the closest KFC to where I work, but I should probably find somewhere else to go for the next couple months or so. No big surprise they got robbed, since it’s across the street from that Little Caesar’s where that guy got stabbed in the parking lot.” Mikotis was eventually forced to figure out yet another backup lunch plan after learning another employee had killed themself in the bathroom of the South Clay Street Del Taco. 
Methadone Clinic Must Be Having Some Sort Of Big Party #~# NEW YORK—Calling the atmosphere on the sidewalk across the street “positively electric,” sources confirmed Thursday that the local methadone clinic must be having some sort of big party. “Man, it’s only 3 p.m. and there’s already a line around the block,” said Bruce Riley, 32, adding that the party must have been “totally off the hook” because everybody outside seemed really excited to get in, and all of the people leaving appeared to be pretty satisfied. “How did I not hear about this? Because it seems like sort of an everyday thing. I see there’s a couple of people passed out—I guess they must have been going a little too hard. Wow, this is a pretty hip crowd. I wonder if I could get in wearing these sneakers?” At press time, Riley admitted that he would probably need to slip a $20 bill to the bouncer wearing the black nursing scrubs.
Star Wars News Net Joins Hundreds Of Publications In Condemning Trump’s Attacks On The Press #~# NEW YORK—Heeding the call of the Boston Globe to come together in the defense of journalistic integrity, Star Wars News Net joined hundreds of publications Thursday in condemning President Donald Trump’s attacks on the press. “The president could not be more wrong when he calls the free press an enemy of the people, and we stand alongside our brothers and sisters in the journalism profession in condemning Mr. Trump’s attacks,” wrote the Star Wars News Net editors in a statement published on the front page of their website, adding that they stood with The New York Times, Denver Post, and Madonnalicious.com in their defense of the First Amendment. “Mr. Trump may not like it, but it is our job to inform the public about whether Lando will be appearing in the next Star Wars film, demand answers from Hasbro about upcoming plans for new Luke Skywalker toys, and hold the powerful producers and directors of these films accountable for their casting decisions. Yes, we may make mistakes on occasion in our efforts to bring the public the facts about when the fourth season of Star Wars Rebels is coming to Blu-ray and DVD; we are only human. But we cannot and will not stand idly by as the president attacks free speech, and we will continue to bring Americans the Star Wars news they need and deserve, no matter what Mr. Trump says.” The Star Wars News Net editors added that any attacks by the president on their decision to praise the studio for firing Colin Trevorrow from Star Wars: Episode IX over creative differences would set a dangerous precedent for free speech in America.
Jason Momoa Reveals He Spent Months Becoming Useless Dumbass To Get Into Character For ‘Aquaman’ #~# LOS ANGELES—Describing his character-oriented method acting process for the first time, Jason Momoa revealed Thursday how he prepared to play Aquaman by spending more than six months living as a useless dumbass. “It was, surprisingly, a lot of hard work being such an ineffective dipshit 24/7,” said Momoa, 39, adding that he often felt exhausted after long days spent paddling aimlessly around aquatic film sets while staring off into the sky. “I’d have to say that the most difficult part of playing Aquaman was mastering his method of showing up places where things needed to be done, but then doing nothing despite how much I felt like doing something. If my wife was doing dishes and asked me for a towel, I couldn’t even say no, because even that response would be too helpful. Believe me, it takes a lot of willpower to simply exist as a completely ineffectual dope.” Momoa claimed he passed the time on set by alternating between trying to imagine how being able to ask fish for help would be at all useful and hitting his head against a wall to stay unfocused.
Fantasy Novel Not Holding Back On Criticisms Of Dwarvish Culture #~# FORSYTH, IL—Characterizing the reclusive subterranean race of diminutive miners right off the bat as “possessed of a fiery demeanor most unpleasant” from its opening pages, fantasy novel The Mage’s Shadow was not holding back on its criticisms of dwarvish culture in the least, readers confirmed Thursday. “For a whole damn page, this book is just railing against dwarves, portraying them as greedy and violent by nature and out-and-out stating they’re ‘curmudgeons, the lot of them, stubborn as the Zorthesian day is long,’” said fantasy aficionado James Tillman, explaining he had initially assumed the book was about to moderate its editorial voice when it got to a dialogue-heavy passage, only to find two sorcerers “just start ragging the poor guys out of nowhere” about how the dwarvenkind “are born with tempers as short as their stature,” “squander their sunless, joyless days on excesses of ale and impenetrable games of chance,” and “are cursed with scowling visages most heinously ill-formed, and aside from perhaps those of the ork-kin, the most repulsive in all of Aldoria.” “There is a brief passage, several chapters in, about dwarf families being ‘fiercely loyal to their own,’ but then the authorial gloves are off again in a pointed discussion of their ‘bizarre silver-based society,’ speculation on how their underground lifestyle is a manifestation of their inherent cowardice, and how their beards ‘resemble nothing so much as the curséd Dùthronian Forest’s fetid thatch.’ I tell you, the dwarves can’t catch a break.” Tillman further noted that every time The Mage’s Shadow gave dwarves their due by noting their undeniable prowess at smithing and bladecraft, there was an accompanying passage noting that they habitually swindled patrons by adding base lead to their mystical sky-steel, not even batting their hooded, shifty eyes in the process.
NOAA Lowers Warnings For Atlantic Hurricane Season #~# Due to the burgeoning El Niño, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has forecasted a quieter-than-usual Atlantic hurricane season. What do you think?
NASA Scientists Make Life-Changing Discovery But You Kind Of Had To Be There #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting that a second-hand retelling would not do their findings justice, NASA scientists confirmed Thursday that they had made a life-changing discovery, but you kind of had to be there. “These results revolutionize our very understanding of subatomic particles—man, I wish I could even explain, however, it’s just something you had to see for yourself,” said head researcher Laurel Devantez, trying in vain to describe not only the innovative fruits of their labor, but also the incomparable feeling of witnessing such a breakthrough come to light alongside her closest NASA colleagues. “We all definitely grew closer after experiencing this all together as a team. It completely upended our entire understanding of the material universe, but we tried explaining it to some other scientists and they were clearly just acting like they got it.” At press time, the NASA scientists were annoying other researchers by cracking up about inside terminology that could only be understood by those who knew the details of the discovery.
North, South Korea Agree To Summit In Pyongyang #~# The leaders of North and South Korea have agreed to a summit in Pyongyang this September, the third such meeting this year. What do you think?
Chris Columbus Admits There Are Hours Of ‘Home Alone 2’ Outtakes Featuring Trump Saying Racial Slurs #~# SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Recounting the unexpected difficulties the future president’s brief cameo brought to his film shoot, Home Alone 2: Lost In New York director Chris Columbus admitted Wednesday that he has hours of outtakes featuring Donald Trump uttering racial slurs. “We thought it would be a fun little 30-second cameo from a popular New York figure, but we got barely any usable footage because Trump kept yelling [the N-word] at everyone in the lobby of the Plaza,” said the director, who divulged that several takes had to cut early as Trump unleashed a 15-20-minute torrent of various racial slurs, once even wrestling the Talkboy voice-changing tape recorder from Macaulay Culkin’s hands and filling its 30-minute cassette with disparaging slurs for Mexicans. “We had to spend two days shooting that scene. We’d feed him his line, but every time he’d say something like, ‘The lobby’s over there by those [N-words],’ and we’d have to cut yet again. His cameo was meant to be much longer, but we edited it down to the few seconds where he wasn’t bellowing anything horribly offensive.” Columbus went on to describe the full-page ad Trump took out in the New York Post demanding the Pigeon Lady’s arrest and execution for her suspicious activities in Central Park.
Report: Statistically Speaking There’s Decent Chance Pope Francis Molested Someone #~# VATICAN CITY—An internal Catholic church report on the frequency of institutionalized sexual abuse of minors by authority figures revealed Wednesday that there is a high probability that Pope Francis has, in fact, molested at least one child. “Given what we are learning about the proportion of priests who have engaged in sexual acts with children, we really can’t say for sure that, during his long and storied career in the Catholic Church, His Holiness never engaged in the sexual predation of a young boy or boys,” the document read in part, noting that with the additional 1,000 cases of molestation recently uncovered in Pennsylvania, the odds of any given Catholic clerical figure being implicated in some manner of sexual abuse was rapidly approaching certainty. “When considered as a purely mathematical problem, it would be rather surprising if the Vicar of Christ was innocent of the type of abuse rampant within the church. He’s already known to associate with these people, since sheer numbers indicate he must do so while overseeing an organization that willingly employs thousands of them. And even in the statistically unlikely scenario that he personally molested no children, it’s a lead-pipe cinch that Pope Francis helped cover up child sexual abuse at some level.” The authors of the study, a group of cardinals responsible for monitoring and reporting on corruption within the church, were unavailable for comment as they were arrested Wednesday morning on charges of sexually abusing several preteen boys after manipulating them with alcohol.
Senate Republicans Promise There Will Be Plenty Of Time To Review Kavanaugh Writings When They Become Law Of Land #~# WASHINGTON—Denying that any attempt had been made to withhold information relevant to the Supreme Court confirmation process, Senate Republicans promised Wednesday there would be plenty of time to review Brett Kavanaugh’s writings once they had become the law of the land. “We’ll have an opportunity to thoroughly vet Judge Kavanaugh’s beliefs as soon as they are established precedent and a permanent part of our nation’s legal framework,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, explaining there was no need for anyone to read Kavanaugh’s thoughts on the environment or immigration since they would be readily available to the public once he sat on the Supreme Court and began issuing opinions. “The Democrats will have decades to closely analyze Judge Kavanaugh’s views on issues such as labor unions, gerrymandering, and executive power. Why should they read a million documents from his time in the George W. Bush administration when they will be able to find out most of what they need to know just by reading his majority opinion striking down Roe v. Wade?” McConnell added that Democratic criticism of Trump’s nominee represented the “same old obstructionist tactics” that in 2032 the Supreme Court will rule is legally punishable by death. 
Biblical Scholars Find Evidence Church Covered Up For 3 Wise Men Who Molested Baby Jesus #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding further light on a long history of attempts to protect itself from accusations of criminal activity, biblical scholars at Harvard Divinity School reported Wednesday they have found evidence that the early Catholic church covered up for three wise men who molested baby Jesus. “After deciphering fragments of a previously unknown gospel, we now have textual documentation that clearly delineates abuse by three magi who arrived in Bethlehem and inappropriately touched the newborn Christ Child as He lay in the manger,” said Professor Raymond White, recounting the extensive efforts made by the church to scrub the story from early versions of the Bible and to discredit Jesus’ account of the event in His later sermons. “As described in newly discovered scraps of papyrus dating back nearly 2,000 years, these three magi were powerful men of great influence. Whatever moments of weakness or temptation they may have exhibited on that first Christmas morning, the early church must have seen fit to protect their reputations against any accusation from the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, who were, after all, very poor.” White went on to note that additional passages from the text explain how the three wise men were quietly relocated and allowed to continue their work in a remote village in Persia.
Man Guessing He’s Stared At Giant Sequoia Long Enough To Appreciate It #~# RED FIR, CA—Spending what seemed like the correct amount of time soaking in the beauty of the massive tree, local man Matt Tedesco assumed Wednesday that he probably stared at a giant sequoia long enough to appreciate it. “I mean, it’s definitely really big, and I went and stood under it, so I think I get how majestic it is by now,” said Tedesco, who admitted it was difficult to determine if he had properly appreciated the 250-foot conifer because all the trees in the grove were also pretty big, or if he should gaze at the sequoia for another minute or two and maybe walk around it a few more times. “I’ve been standing here for, like, five minutes taking it in. I saw the sign saying it’s been around since ancient Greece, which is pretty cool. Right? I guess I’ll go look at 20 or 30 more trees and then I’ll go.” At press time Tedesco had taken a photograph, looked at the photograph, nodded, and moved on to the next tree.
Study Finds That All The Worst People Will Outlive You #~# ATLANTA—Confirming your long-held suspicions with a 15-year observational study on the effects of behavior on human aging, researchers from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed Wednesday that all of the world’s absolute worst people would almost certainly outlive you. “We can now conclusively say that every single one of the most amoral, self-centered, and all-around corrosive human beings on planet Earth will enjoy longer lives than those who try to be decent and think of others, such as you,” said lead researcher Brian Cunningham, emphasizing that each and every selfish prick, conniving asshole, and abusive shithead currently drawing breath will statistically enjoy a life expectancy up to 12 years longer than yours as long as they continue to act in their own interest without regard to the damage they inflict on others or society. “It appears that not conforming to accepted standards of morality or considering the effects one’s actions have on others are huge stress reducers. Therefore, acting like a total fucker actually extends the lifespans of awful individuals—and, unfortunately, it seems that there is nothing you can do to enjoy this same longevity and still remain a tolerable human being. After studying factors such as a healthy diet, the pursuit of invigorating physical and mental activities, maintaining long friendships, and just being a good and decent person to your fellow man, we have to conclude that every despicable egocentric piece of shit will outlive you and age better and more gracefully than you.” Cunningham added that, considering the daily physical and emotional strain you place on yourself in the pursuit of common decency, giving up and becoming a borderline sociopath may be the only way you will live to see 60.
The Onion’s Guide To ‘The Great British Baking Show’ #~# The Great British Baking Show, a British television competition that airs on Netflix and PBS, has become a cult phenomenon in the U.S. The Onion presents a guide to everything you need to know about The Great British Baking Show.
Arby’s Releases Barbara Bush Tribute Edition Curly Fries #~# SANDY SPRINGS, GA—In an effort to honor the widely admired first lady, fast-casual chain Arby’s announced Wednesday that they’re releasing special edition curly fries packaged in a carton with the late Barbara Bush’s face alongside the words “In Remembrance” written tastefully in cursive. “We’re excited today to pay tribute to America’s beloved idol by adding Barbara Bush Memorial Curly Fries for a limited time only to our iconic ‘Friends Of Meat’ sides menu,” spokesperson Lauren Davis said of the item, which will be seasoned with a special blend of smoked paprika, spicy BBQ, and Old Bay as an homage to the 92-year-old’s zesty wit. “When we heard about her passing, we knew we had to fire up the grill and pay tribute. And that’s just what we did, creating a delicious, crave-able add-on just as dynamic and fulfilling as the long, beautiful life led by our favorite presidential wife and mother.” Davis added that customers of the fast-casual chain can look forward to pairing the fries with the upcoming George H.W. Bush Memorial Dipping Sauce, which will be hitting stores very soon.
More Than 100 U.S. Newspapers Plan Editorials Decrying Trump’s Attacks On Media #~# More than 100 newspapers have signed onto a Boston Globe-led campaign to publish editorials inveighing against Trump’s designation of the media as an “enemy of the people.” What do you think?
Surgeon Pretty Bummed About Losing Patient, But It Not Like They Were Good Friends Or Anything #~# BOSTON—Admitting he only knew the guy for “a couple weeks, tops,” local cardiac surgeon Dr. David Griffiths told reporters he was sorta bummed about losing his patient Brian Fields, but it’s not as if they were close or anything. “You never want to lose a patient on the operating table, but it’s not like I’m going to miss him personally,” said Griffiths, noting that while the situation was “definitely super shitty,” the only thing Fields seemed to want to talk to him about was the coronary bypass surgery, and the two “never hung outside of the hospital,” so he’s “not about to go home and cry.” “What, am I just going to get upset over every patient I lose? Breaking it to his children was tough, but, then again, they’re not my kids, so what do I care? The dude totally seemed nice enough, but I’m obviously not going to lose sleep over it.” Griffiths added that if they had, in fact, been good friends he probably would’ve done a way better job with the surgery.
Omarosa Searches Through Tapes Of Everyone Else In White House Using N-Word For One Of Trump #~# WASHINGTON—Insisting that it had to be in the audio recordings made during her time in the administration, Omarosa Manigault-Newman was frantically searching Tuesday through tapes of everyone else in the White House using the N-word for one of President Trump uttering the racial slur. “C’mon, c’mon, I know Trump’s in here somewhere,” said Manigault-Newman as she fast-forwarded through a recording of Stephen Miller and Jeff Sessions casually using the racial slur during a conversation in the West Wing. “I’ve got hours of John Kelly dropping N-bombs and a several where Trump is in the room when Bannon yells it, but I haven’t found any of the president yet. One tape seemed promising, but there’s a lot of crosstalk where everybody in the room was saying the N-word over each other, so you can’t make out Trump clearly. Ugh, this is going to take forever.” At press time, Manigault-Newman was forced to keep looking after all that turned up so far were two dozen recordings of Trump saying “wetback” and “dune coon.”
Omarosa Plays Tapes Of Firing By John Kelly #~# Omarosa Manigault-Newman played a recording of Chief of Staff John Kelly she made as he fired her in the White House situation room, a move that national security experts warn is potentially illegal. What do you think?
Elon Musk Gives Saudi Investors Presentation On New Autonomous Beheading Machine For Adulterers #~# RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Touting the state-of-the-art electric execution device’s energy efficiency, sleek design, and whisper-quiet machinery, billionaire Elon Musk gave Saudi investors a presentation on a new autonomous adulterer-beheading machine he has invented, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the best way to revolutionize and reimagine the way we approach making adulterers pay the ultimate price for their sinful indiscretions,” said Musk, who paused to invite his prospective investors to consider what a hassle old-fashioned executions can be before he unveiled his prototype for a solar-powered, self-activating guillotine capable of seamlessly beheading adulterers with 10 times the speed of an ordinary blade. “On just a single charge, this compact machine can efficiently decapitate more than 5,000 women accused of adultery—all while eliminating the need for a human executioner, who would only be required to make small corrections in the rare event the device mistakes a torso for a neck.” When informed through his interpreter that adulterers in Saudi Arabia are traditionally stoned to death, Musk reportedly did not pause in his presentation, asking for a volunteer to feed a head of lettuce into the machine so he could demonstrate its clean, mess-free cuts.
Bill Belichick Announces This Final Season He Will Coach In Current Mortal Form #~# FOXBORO, MA—Admitting the demands of the NFL season have worn down his temporary corporeal body, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick announced Tuesday that the upcoming season would be the last he will coach in his current mortal form. “Whether we win the Lombardi trophy or not, this will be the last season I coach while shackled to this weak, decaying sack of skin and blood,” said Belichick, who claimed that he will destroy his pathetic and degrading human form only to emerge a more terrible, potent, and destructive being than any coach or player could possibly imagine. “I just don’t think I have it in me to go another season beholden to the frail, temporary form that you weaklings inhabit. This body can no longer contain my power. Soon, humanity will see the true Bill Belichick, and they will weep with joy and terror as I run rampant across the NFL.” Belichick added that the coming of his true and final form shall usher in the prophesized thousand-year reign of the golden boy over all of football.
Caterpillar In Pupal Stage For Past 3 Months Going To Be Pissed If It Turns Out To Be Moth #~# CORVALLIS, OR—Seething with anger at the mere prospect of such an outcome, a local caterpillar, who has spent the past three months in its pupal stage, acknowledged Tuesday that it would be extremely pissed off if, upon maturation, it turned out to be a moth. “I swear to fucking God, if I’ve spent 90 days cooped up in this godforsaken cocoon only to end up an ugly house moth, I’m going to flip my shit,” said the developing insect, who confirmed almost losing it completely every time it considered the possibility that it might emerge with some unsightly fuzzy antennae instead of bright, multicolored wings. “Man, I’m telling you, I’ll go absolutely fucking ballistic if I’m forced to eat old coats in some dusty-ass closet instead of fluttering around gracefully, pollinating milkweed in the sunshine. I’ve put hundreds of hours into this metamorphosis, and I’d better be a goddamn breathtaking monarch butterfly when all is said and done.” At press time, sources reported the now fully pupated and despair-filled moth was flying straight for a bug zapper.
I’m Not Sure Why I Should Suffer For Something I Did 10 Years Ago And Would Do Again In A Heartbeat #~# Recently, several accusations have been made against me—eight women have come forward to claim I made inappropriate advances while working with them at CBS. I realize that my behavior may have resulted in some discomfort, but lost in the rush to judgment are important details about the context in which these interactions happened, and a lack of consideration over the damage these charges could do to me. It’s important to remember that these events happened a long time ago, and times have changed. Workplace culture is different now, and since then I’ve grown older, wiser, and more determined to never alter my behavior in any way.
Q Forced To Resign From Department Of Agriculture For Improper Filing Of Expense Reports #~# WASHINGTON—Q, the pseudonymous individual who for the last several months has released classified information about high-ranking government officials and the deep state, reportedly tendered his resignation from the U.S. Department of Agriculture Tuesday after failing to properly file an expense report. “I want to apologize to the American taxpayers for abusing my power as a public servant in the USDA, as well as everyone depending on me to supply high-level classified information from the Trump administration as the leader of QAnon,” said Ray Benjamin, 59, who stepped down from his post as a commodity grader in the Agricultural Marketing Service division of the USDA after 26 years with the agency and nearly a year posting on 4chan and 8chan as Q. “I deeply regret failing to document my $15.35 meal, as well as several other business expenses, including a reimbursement for parking, but ultimately I must own up to my mistakes. Unfortunately, with my security clearance revoked and my access to top-secret government intelligence cut off, it means that I will no longer be capable of posting updates about The Storm, offering informed predictions of Hillary Clinton’s imminent arrest, or unmasking the establishment liberals involved in a massive international human-trafficking ring. I am profoundly sorry to both the Department of Agriculture and to my QAnon supporters. I let you all down.” Reached for additional comment, Benjamin admitted that he was privately relieved that he was no longer under the obligation to run QAnon and could spend more time relaxing with his wife, gardening, and watching University of Virginia football.
Mayor Of Phoenix Apologizes For Naming Berlin Germany Of 1941 As Sister City #~# PHOENIX—Acknowledging that a municipality such as present-day Stuttgart or Bremen may have been a more tactful choice for a German sister city, Phoenix mayor Thelda Williams apologized Tuesday for instead choosing the Berlin of 1941. “Berlin during the, shall we say, post-Weimar era certainly had some commendable qualities, but I now realize that the city’s involvement in attempting to conquer the world and exterminate the Jewish people during that time should have given the Phoenix mayoral council some pause,” said Williams, who expressed regret that the mistake wasn’t corrected before the city officially honored 1941 Berlin’s rich cultural heritage by decorating with dozens of swastikas, Reichsadler eagles, and Waffen-SS parade murals scattered across downtown Phoenix. “Choosing the capital of Germany and specifying that you mean its incarnation as the Nazi headquarters during the Holocaust period is obviously an oversight in retrospect. Of course, we intend to immediately take down the banner over City Hall, which currently reads ‘Arizona welcomes [Berlin’s Nazi mayor] Ludwig Steeg to the Valley of the Sun.’” Mayor Williams’ choice of 1941 Berlin was, in fact, surprisingly popular with Phoenix residents, though early reports seem to indicate they are satisfied by the substitution of 1936 Moscow.
Area Man Would Have Done Things Differently If He Were Killer In Movie #~# LOWER MERION, PA—Calling the murderous character’s methods and practices into question, movie viewer Richard Anthony said Tuesday that, were he in fact the killer portrayed in the home invasion film You’re Next, he would have conducted himself in a distinctly different fashion. “This makes absolutely zero sense—why didn’t he just murder the majority of them when they were trapped in the kitchen? If that were me, I could’ve gotten the job done with a gas leak and some matches right then and there,” said Anthony, 33, insisting that a much more straightforward approach would have allowed him to strangle the rest of the victims at his leisure. “Plus, I wouldn’t have wasted all that time tying up that family once they were already unconscious—but if that’s the route you’re taking, at least knot the ropes with a constricting clove hitch. It just really took me out of the story.” At press time, Anthony had published a painstakingly detailed blog post deriding the film’s implausibility and providing more practical alternatives for each character fatality. 
Rashida Tlaib Set To Be First Muslim American Woman In Congress #~# Progressive former state Rep. Rashida Tlaib is likely to become the first Muslim woman elected to Congress after winning the Democratic primary in Michigan’s 13th Congressional District this week. What do you think?
Orca Mother Carries Around Dead Calf For Two Weeks As Warning To All Who Would Defy Her #~# FRIDAY HARBOR, WA—Saying that the unusual behavior was in fact a natural expression of the animal’s relationship to both its dead kin and its social environment, experts at the Center for Whale Research held a dockside press conference Monday to confirm that the orca who carried around her dead calf for two weeks did so as a warning to all who would defy her. “This is clearly an expression of the orca’s implacable will and physical power, though it is something even field researchers don’t see very often, as orcas tend to be extremely private concerning their desire for swift and bloody vengeance,” said marine biologist Julia Reyes, who noted the dead orca calf had most likely disrespected the authority of the mother whale and paid the ultimate price for its insolence. “We often witness orca mothers exhibiting ‘don’t fuck with me’ behavior, but this may be the first time an orca has made this attitude visible to human beings. She may be sending a message that, if we don’t comport ourselves correctly, we too will be dragged around the ocean for a couple weeks, just like her presumably smartassed calf. It’s absolutely incredible to behold.” Moments after Reyes’ statement, the orca breached the surface of the ocean behind Reyes and dragged her screaming and bleeding beneath the waves in response to the researcher’s remarks.
Counter Protesters Far Outnumber White Nationalists At ‘Unite The Right’ #~# Hundreds of counter-protesters far outnumbered the fewer than 20 people who showed up for the Unite the Right white nationalist rally in Washington, D.C. What do you think?
Mother Annoyed Son Playing Video Games On Beautiful Day When He Could Go Outside To Kill People #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Wishing her child would channel his enthusiasm for virtual reality into real, in-the-flesh human interaction, Annabelle Rund expressed her annoyance Monday that her son Andrew, 14, insisted on spending a beautiful day playing violent video games when he could be outside killing people instead. “The sun is shining, visibility is good, everyone in the neighborhood is out and about presenting a perfect target, and he’s wasting his time murdering people on Xbox when he could be outside doing the real thing,” said Rund, expressing frustration that her son would not only opt to waste his life by playing hundreds of hours of Call Of Duty: WWII, but also compound his failings by throwing away his hard-earned aiming skills by mowing down victims who aren’t even real. “Like any parent, I just want him to get out there and make some real-life memories of the life draining from someone’s eyes. My parents made me go outside and hurt people every day, and I’m much better for it.” Andrew refused to comment at length on his mother’s remarks, though he has reportedly often been heard responding to his mother by saying “Video games don’t even work like that, Mom.”
‘Join Email List’ Box Pre-Checked Like Sneaky, Conniving Fucker It Is #~# NAPERVILLE, IL—Attempting to hide in plain sight amid a wall of unrelated offers and legal qualifiers, the “Join Email List” box in an automatically generated response email had pre-checked itself like the sneaky, conniving corporate fucker that it is, outbox sources confirmed Monday. “Well, well, well, would you look at this little son of a bitch?” said the sources, noting that the miniscule 20-by-20 pixel checkbox must have had “some kinda stones” to think that it could get away scot-free with such a transparent and blatant ruse. “I was just supposed to scroll right past it to the ‘Send’ button like a zombie in lockstep. Ha! Please, don’t underestimate me. Even if I did end up on your precious email list—and I think we’ve established that’s a big ‘if’—I’d unsubscribe so goddamn fast it would make your head spin. Amateur.” Follow-up reports have confirmed, however, that the return email was sent without noticing that doing so constituted an automatic agreement to receive monthly email updates in perpetuity.
Trump Condemns White House Staffers’ Use Of Secret Recording Studio #~# WASHINGTON—In response to former aide Omarosa Manigault-Newman releasing a conversation between the two of them that he didn’t know was being taped, President Donald Trump reportedly condemned White House staffers’ use of a secret recording studio Monday. “I’m shocked and completely furious that people who I generously gave jobs in my administration would turn around and use a secret recording studio during meetings,” said the president, criticizing staffers who constructed a soundproof live room, vocal isolation booth, and mixing console in the West Wing to record, monitor, and master his statements in high fidelity without his knowledge. “I trusted these people not to sit me down and do a soundcheck, request that I do multiple takes, and play back my statements in the room until everyone agrees we’ve got what we’re looking for. I had no idea Omarosa was making suggestions about my microphone placement in between working with the audio engineer during takes, and, frankly, it’s a disgrace.” At press time, Trump criticized the anonymous leak by someone in his administration of a previously unreleased 13,680-hour recording of his entire presidency on iTunes and Spotify.
Millions Of White Nationalists Gather In Streets, Offices Around Country To Normally Go About Day #~# WASHINGTON—In a massive, simultaneous nationwide demonstration of support for white ethnic supremacy, millions of white nationalists gathered in streets and offices around the United States Monday to go about their normal routines. Proponents of the nativist movement that promotes the racial superiority and purity of whites were observed gathering en masse on public transportation, patronizing coffee shops, during elevator rides, dropping off their children at schools, and otherwise assembling peacefully in nearly every American community to take part in normal, but quietly racist, daily activities. Reports confirmed that the white supremacists could be seen marching shoulder to shoulder along the nation’s streets to conduct personal banking, drop off or pick up their dry cleaning, buy groceries, and even attend box-office smash hit Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again in the company of their white supremacist romantic interests. In a closely related story, beltway sources reported that throngs of the radical ethnic extremists had rushed up on the steps of the Capitol building, bypassing assembled security guards, in order to go to work.
Signs Make Upcoming Section Of Road Sound Pretty Badass #~# DUBOIS, WY—Noting the sheer volume and severity of the posted warnings, sources confirmed Monday that signs along U.S. Highway 26 made the upcoming section of road sound pretty badass. “Holy shit, looks like we’re in for sharp curves, switchbacks, and falling rocks all within the next five miles,” said Dan McDonnell, 30, adding that the high winds, runaway truck ramps, and washed-out bridges promised ahead come across as super fucking hardcore. “Damn, this has to be the most kickass strip of road in the entire U.S. transportation system. I mean, they just keep coming—pavement ends, 9 percent grade, deer crossing, speed checked by aircraft—damn, this is going to be sick.” At press time, McDonnell elected to take an alternate route that his phone suggested would be three minutes faster.
2018 Election Has Record Number Of Women Nominees #~# With 183 female U.S. House nominees and 11 nominees for governorships, the 2018 election will feature the greatest number of female nominees in U.S. history, narrowly beating out the previous record set in 1994. What do you think?
Unearthed Cave Painting Of Wooly Mammoth, Saber-Tooth Tiger Reveals Humans Have Debated What Things Would Win In A Fight Since 30,000 B.C. #~# ARDÈCHE, FRANCE—Saying that the recently discovered figurative art sheds new light on prehistoric speculative conflict, archeologists working at France’s Chauvet-Pont-d’Arc Cave announced Friday the discovery of a 300-century-old painting of an adult European mammoth squaring off against five sabre-toothed tigers. “This well-preserved and surprisingly detailed illustration shows us that ancient humans, people we refer to as cavemen, were capable of surprisingly sophisticated thought and probing insight, asking themselves mankind’s oldest philosophical question: Who would win in a fight?” said prominent paleolithic art expert Dr. David Whitley, noting that it was only a small intellectual step from sabretooth-versus-mammoth to such fundamental human debates as Hercules versus Gilgamesh, double-size Muhammed Ali versus one-tenth-size Godzilla, and the 1996 Bulls versus the 2012 Heat. “It’s a question that has shaped and molded all of human history. Also, I don’t care what this cave painting says—the mammoth would totally prevail unless it got, like, stuck in a tar pit.” Whitley refused to comment on the discovery of a second, somewhat more realistic mural, which seems to ask the question of how many Cro-Magnons it would take to drive the Neanderthals extinct.
Former Trump Lawyer Michael Cohen Under Investigation For Tax Fraud #~# Michael Cohen is reportedly under investigation by New York federal prosecutor for tax fraud related to his taxi medallion business. What do you think?
New Stardew Valley Expansion Allows Player To Shoot Self In Barn After Family Farm Bankrupted By Corporate Agribusiness #~# LONDON—While adding multiple new gameplay options and challenging story paths to their retro farming RPG Stardew Valley, developer Chucklefish Limited revealed Friday that an upcoming game expansion would allow players to shoot themselves in the barn after losing their farm to corporate agribusiness. “Stardew Valley’s latest update includes all kinds of fun new farm life challenges, including collecting minerals to restore your grandfather’s old shotgun, which you can then use to chase off the bank officials who come to foreclose on your land or even place in your character’s mouth and pull the trigger after you realize you’ve lost everything,” said spokesperson Dana Farrow, explaining that players would also encounter new relationship events such as having their wife and child abandon them as the spiral of bankruptcy plummets past the point of possible recovery, or joining with townspeople Shane and Clint in succumbing to the opioid epidemic after the nearby mines close. “Players can also use the new axe and sledgehammer functionality to put down their starving cows and horses after corporate competitors lobby to cut off your water supply. Of course, there are now even more choices to make in the more realistic endgame: you can always sell your farm back to the bank at a massive loss and become a laborer at the fracking camps in Cindersap Forest, or brew the new moonshine and grain alcohol crafting items and drink yourself to death at Stardrop Saloon.” Farrow added that the expansion would also include an expanded weather system in which climate change will slowly transform the fertile valley into an arid wasteland.
Courageous Heterosexual Has Never Donated Blood To Red Cross In Solidarity With Gay Men #~# OMAHA, NE—In support of all those whose bodily fluids have been discriminated against, courageous heterosexual Calvin Woodruff revealed Friday that in order to stand in solidarity with gay men, he has never donated blood to the Red Cross. “I haven’t given an ounce of O-positive in 15 years, and I won’t start until the Red Cross allows homosexual men to donate,” said the beacon of moral integrity who  called on all straight men and women to help end this regressive policy by bravely no longer donating in turn. “Why should I enjoy the privilege of giving blood when gay men are being unfairly excluded from this practice? It’s one thing to say you support LGBT people. It’s another to actually do something, especially if you can accomplish so much by safely not doing anything.” Woodruff also stated that until gay men could give blood, he would not be volunteering at any food banks.
Scouts Highly Doubtful Tim Tebow Will Ever Make It To Heaven #~# NEW YORK—Despite the years of effort and success in lower-level religious practice, a group of professional scouts told reporters Friday that they strongly doubt Tim Tebow will ever make it to heaven. “I know he’s put in a lot of prayers and missionary work, but when it comes to getting to heaven, Tebow just doesn’t have the raw spirituality you need,” said scout Gregory Veitch, adding that Tebow’s lifelong commitment to finding eternal bliss in the divine Kingdom of God was impressive, but that it takes a really special kind of talent to make it all the way to the top. “I could see him spending some time in purgatory for sure—there are always open spots for someone as devoted to Christ as Tebow—but he needs to accept reality and realize that getting to heaven is just something that isn’t going to happen.” At press time, Tebow had decided to abandon Christianity and try his hand at reaching heaven through Judaism.
Mueller Scrambling After Accidentally Spilling Whole Big Gulp All Over Russia Evidence #~# WASHINGTON—Suffering yet another unexpected setback during his ongoing investigation into foreign collusion with the Trump campaign, Special Counsel Robert Mueller scrambled Friday to contain the damage to his documents after spilling an entire Grape Crush Big Gulp all over his Russia evidence. “No, no, no! No! Aw, jeez, this is really bad,” said the panicked FBI investigator, frantically scooping handfuls of partially melted purple ice off of a painstakingly transcribed and annotated Michael Flynn interview back into its original 32-ounce plastic cup with his hands and attempting to blot it dry with an extra copy of the evidence inventory from his raid on Michael Cohen’s office. “Everyone’s going to be so mad at me for having my soda next to so much important stuff. Maybe if I spread it all out and let it dry, no one will notice? Dang it. I can’t believe I did this twice in one week.” At press time, Mueller was attempting to wring the purple moisture from Maria Butina’s signed confidential disclosure statement and wondering if 7-Eleven would give him a new soda for free if he explained what happened.
Pros And Cons Of Using Images Of Deceased People Onscreen #~# The recent announcement that footage of late actor Carrie Fisher in the upcoming Star Wars film has reignited debate about the ethics of using unused images or reconstructed footage of deceased entertainers in movies, television, and commercials, something that is only likely to increase as imaging techniques improve. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of using images and footage of deceased actors onscreen.
Virginia Governor Orders State Of Emergency Ahead Of ‘Unite The Right’ Anniversary #~# To help local authorities mobilize resources into Charlottesville, VA, Governor Ralph Northam ordered a state of emergency before the anniversary of the deadly Unite the Right white nationalist rally that left one woman dead and several others injured. What do you think?
Rachel Maddow Claims New Audio Damning Enough To Pad Out Entire Week’s Worth Of Shows #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that the numerous bombshells in store would be far too much to attempt to cram into one episode’s worth of filler, Rachel Maddow claimed Thursday that their newly released recording of Representative Devin Nunes would be damning enough to pad out an entire week’s worth of shows. “This is big, folks—so big that it is the only thing I will talk about for the next week. We’ll need at least five hour-long episodes to parse this out ad nauseam,” said the political commentator and host of “The Rachel Maddow Show,” describing to viewers the upcoming series of episodes devoted to unnecessarily breaking down and scrutinizing every minute detail of the audio recording and the multitude of possible repercussions it could have on the ongoing Russia investigation, as well as featuring a rotating slate of experts to bloviate on the topic. “This is an absolute game changer that will provide me with weeks—maybe even months—of over-elaborating. Believe me, this is so important, so packed with suggestive details, that we will refuse to cover any other news story that breaks, no matter how big. I will report on this audio, and only this audio, so stay tuned.” At press time, MSNBC had given the recording its own spinoff show.
Driver Swerves To Avoid Deer Standing Right In Middle Of Zoo #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Narrowly avoiding disaster thanks to a split-second maneuver, local driver Michael Rispanti reportedly swerved his vehicle Thursday to avoid a whitetail deer that was standing right in the middle of the Albuquerque Zoo. “Jesus! It came out of nowhere,” said 35-year-old Rispanti, acknowledging that he had “a couple brews” to wash down his prescription before getting behind the wheel of “his” 2013 Nissan Sentra. “It’s a good thing I acted quickly—as it was I could’ve skidded right into that moat if I hadn’t ricocheted off the Italian ice stand. And, before you ask, I don’t know exactly how fast I was going, which is totally on me—but up until I turned to miss the deer, that cheetah was having a hard time keeping up.” Rispanti was helped out of his predicament by law enforcement officers who approached him as he retrieved an ice scraper from the car’s trunk and attempted to dislodge a horribly disfigured peacock from the radiator grille.
Pentagon Officials Listen In Silence As Mike Pence Details Plans For Angel-Guided Defense Weapons System #~# WASHINGTON—Feigning polite interest throughout the 90-minute meeting, Pentagon officials from all five branches of the armed forces listened in silence Thursday as Mike Pence presented his detailed plans for a state-of-the-art angel-guided weapons system. “Though we are grateful for the vice president’s interest in national defense, the prospect of using seraphim-targeted bombs and heretic-seeking missiles to protect America from hostile sinners is not feasible, nor indeed useful, at this time,” said Secretary of Defense James Mattis, graciously thanking Pence for his hand-drawn schematics of a proposed Holy Ghost cloaking device that would allow planes to fly undetected above the homes of prostitutes and thieves. “Obviously, we cannot plan our defense against North Korea around the face of God appearing before Kim Jong-un and turning him into a pillar of salt, but it’s not like I can tell the vice president of the United States to stop talking. Luckily, he wound down after explaining how the Gabriel’s Trumpet Alert System worked, which is just as well, because apparently the idea behind it is that we would just all ascend bodily into Heaven, which in many ways contradicts our current strategic goals.” The National Guard, however, may consider Pence’s contingency plans for non-lethal counters to possible civil unrest, saying the idea of a crowd-dispersing holy water cannon is “not completely without merit.”
Struggling Used Bookstore Has Tried Everything But Organizing Books By Genre And Author #~# OXFORD, MS—Saying that they were quickly running out of options, the management at struggling used bookstore Selected Works claim they have taken every measure to ensure customer involvement and increase sales except for taking the drastic step of organizing their books into sections based on subject or genre and shelving them in alphabetical order according to the author’s last name. “We’ve exhausted all possible options, from stacking up our foreign-language paperbacks on a big table to shoving the children’s books into the space under the back staircase, to spreading out the addiction memoirs across the carpet, yet we’re still hemorrhaging money,” said worker-owner Tera Renee Mosley, busily stocking a recently donated collection of Roberto Bolaño novels “wherever it feels like they belong.” “We even shoved a whole rack of Stephen King novels out in front of the store and left it out in all kinds of weather, but no one’s biting. We’re struggling just to keep the lights on right now, even though we all try our best to greet customers with a curt, no-eye-contact nod if we sense they may be about to ask us for help. We put in a little coffee and espresso bar for the employees. And lately, we’ve been really good about enforcing our no-bags-or-backpacks policy to crack down on theft, so I’m not sure what else we can do to turn things around.” Mosley said she was hoping to see a marked change in sales after painstakingly organizing an expensive set of red leather-bound 1920s travel guides into a prime position on the front counter.
Yemen Unveils New 80-Story Drone Zapper #~# SANA’A, YEMEN—In an effort to address what has become a persistent nuisance to citizens, Yemeni officials unveiled Thursday their new 80-story drone zapper. “Hanging this state-of-the-art Drone Zapper above the nation means Yemenis will be able to enjoy themselves outside again and sleep soundly at night without the fear of being bothered by our pesky drone infestation,” said Minister of Public Works and Infrastructure Abdelmalek Saeed, explaining that the new devices will use a powerful, ultraviolet light to attract the unmanned military aerial vehicles native to the United States into a wire mesh grid that sends 2,000,000-volts of electricity through the troublesome aircrafts, eliminating them on contact. “Sure, the smell of burning electrical wiring can be pretty intense sometimes, and cleaning the charred remains up in the morning is a chore. But ever since the zappers were installed, residents have reported far fewer problems at weddings or outdoor parties.” At press time, Yemeni officials had ordered the nation’s drone zapper shut down after discovering the smoldering husk of a commercial airliner in the trap.
Coed Rec Softball Team Having Trouble Finding Enough Hyper-Competitive Men To Ruin Experience #~# SAN DIEGO, CA—Admitting that filling the positions had proven far more difficult than expected, a local coed softball team confirmed Thursday that they were struggling to find enough hyper-competitive men to ruin their rec league experience. “We managed to get Derek on the team, who goes ballistic and slams the bat on the ground after every strikeout, but other than that we haven’t been able to convince a single explosively combative douchebag to join,” said team captain Cody Adams, who claimed that efforts to recruit Trevor from his accounting department, who has multiple road-rage incidents, and Tyler from marketing, who screamed at a coworker in a meeting, both ended in failure when one wasn’t interested in softball and the other had a conflict with his flag-football team. “You’d think it would be easy to find two or three guys unhinged enough to almost come to blows with the umpire or scream at their teammates over minor mistakes, but nobody seems interested. It’s embarrassing because most other teams we play have at least five total fucking dicks.” When asked to comment, the women on the team revealed that they believed the abusive prick quota had already been met.
Giuliani Demands Mueller Wrap Up Investigation And Imprison President By September #~# NEW YORK—Saying that the affair was rapidly deteriorating into a boondoggle that should have been resolved months ago, presidential lawyer Rudy Giuliani demanded Thursday that Special Counsel Robert Mueller stop wasting taxpayer money, wrap up his investigation immediately, and imprison the president no later than September. “This inquiry into President Trump’s dealings with Russia has clearly run its course, and it’s high time that the FBI cuts to the chase and arrests him for his crimes,” said Giuliani, adding that the special counsel’s investigation into Trump’s business practices was “a step too far” and that Mueller’s team almost certainly had enough information on election interference alone to incarcerate the president before Labor Day. “The American people deserve better than this. If the special counsel were any sort of professional, he would publicly admit what everyone knows—that he has all the evidence he needs to build an airtight case against Trump. Dragging this out is a disgrace, a mockery of our legal system. Look, we’re just asking for Mueller to convict the president by the midterms, or the White House will ask Congress to dissolve his team and put Trump in prison ourselves.” In a clear challenge to Mueller’s authority, Giuliani then reported to Hazelton Federal Penitentiary to serve a three-to-five year service for aiding and abetting treasonous behavior against the United States.
InfoWars Moves To Ban Alex Jones #~# AUSTIN, TX—Saying that it was a long-overdue step given the radio show host’s history of offensive and dangerous rhetoric, InfoWars reportedly moved Thursday to ban right wing provocateur Alex Jones from its platform. “Mr. Jones has repeatedly violated our policies against hate speech and misinformation, and so we have had no choice but to terminate our relationship with him,” read a statement from InfoWars editor Paul Joseph Watson, citing a litany of abuses committed by the radio host and conspiracy theorist, including harassment of minorities, trans individuals, and the parents of the Sandy Hook victims. “Of course, InfoWars remains committed to free speech, but that does not include repeatedly spreading vicious lies about private individuals. It would be unacceptable, and frankly cowardly, for us to hide behind the First Amendment as this man continues doing real harm. That is why, from today forward, all four of Mr. Jones’s shows will be deleted, and every mention of him will be completely scrubbed from the site.” Watson added that their platform would continue to publish the high-quality reporting on globalism, creeping Sharia, and Deep State false-flag operations that their users had come to expect. 
Wilbur Ross Accused Of Stealing $120 Million From Past Associates #~# In a confidentially settled lawsuit, Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross was accused of stealing $120 million through a complex scheme at his previous investment company. What do you think? 
Report Finds Letting Stranger Bum Cigarette Sole Act Of Human Compassion Still In Practice #~# WASHINGTON—The American Sociological Association released a new report Wednesday revealing that letting a stranger bum a cigarette remains the sole act of human compassion still in practice. “Following 16 months of field research, we have concluded that the voluntary sacrifice of a smoke to a person one does not know represents the last bastion of human empathy,” said ASA president Eduardo Bonilla-Silva, noting that in no other social interaction would the person relinquishing something of value decline to accept even $1 of compensation for their trouble. “Taking a moment to stop what you’re doing and listen to the request for a cigarette, and maybe even provide your fellow man with a light, is surely one of the few instances of sympathy and kinship left in the world. While this is somewhat heartening, our research found that it has been decades since an individual was observed acting in a charitable way by breaking a $10 bill for a stranger.” The report also found that the most prevalent act of human hostility remained asking to bum a smoke, but then turning down a menthol cigarette.
Shy Congressman Wishes Other Lawmakers Would Include Him In Their Crimes #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he just wants to fit in with his colleagues, shy Rep. Harold Olsen confided to reporters Wednesday that he often feels left out of all the illegal activities going on in Congress and wishes his fellow lawmakers would include him in their crimes. “I see everyone around me committing these felonies—embezzlement, tax evasion, insider trading—and all I want is to join in and be a part of it,” said the bashful congressman from South Carolina, adding that he knows a lot about racketeering and wire fraud, as well as making false statements to federal investigators, and would thus have a lot to offer. “I saw a group of high-ranking congressmen chatting the other day, and I wanted to ask if I could join their money-laundering scheme, but I lost my nerve. It’s so intimidating to approach these guys because they’ve been committing crimes together for years, even decades. But I know if someone gave me a chance, I could prove I’m every bit as seedy as they are. I’ve been misusing public funds on my own for so long—imagine how much we could steal if we worked together!” Olsen added that maybe he could impress his colleagues by inviting them out on the boat he bought with campaign contributions.
Nintendo Reveals ‘Smash Bros. Ultimate’ Will Allow Characters To Repeatedly Punch Self In Face To Freak Out Opponent #~# REDMOND, WA—Touting the new gameplay features available in the upcoming fifth title in the popular fighting series, Nintendo reportedly revealed Wednesday that Super Smash Bros. Ultimate will allow characters to repeatedly punch themselves in the face to freak out their opponent. “The new Smash Bros. will be the most exciting iteration yet, with five new fighters, 103 battle stages, and thrilling combos that allow characters to steadily beat themselves to a bloody pulp while their adversary slowly backs away in horror,” said game designer Masahiro Sakurai in a press conference where he played a teaser video of a grinning Luigi relentlessly striking himself in the face over and over again until his eyes were swollen shut and his bloody mouth was filled with broken teeth, showing the audience how the move temporarily stunned his opponent, Pikachu, who looked on in terror as its psychological damage accumulated. “There are some differences, of course, among your favorite characters, whether that’s Falco grimly lowering his head before charging into a brick wall, slowly getting up, and doing it again, or Link calmly slicing open his own arm with his sword while maintaining eye contact with his unnerved opponent. Our new characters will also be able to scare their foes shitless, like Castlevania’s Simon Belmont, who can hand his whip to his challenger and beg them to lash him with it. Then there are some powerful new items, such as the lit cigarette a character can pick up and jab into their own flesh while they manically cackle.” At press time, there was already widespread concern growing among eSports players that the new combinations would simply be too powerful.
Annoying Coworker Insists On Existing Right In Visual Range #~# CHICAGO—Noting that his fellow employee constantly engages in the infuriating habit without a thought for anyone around him, local man Robert Mauro told reporters Wednesday his annoying coworker Greg Shapiro insists upon existing right there in Mauro’s visual range. “Jesus, some people are just trying to work here—does this prick really have to sit there all day, right in my face, just being?” said Mauro, who complained that Shapiro aggravates him day in and day out by continuously enduring as a discrete entity so close to him. “Every time I look up from my laptop, he’s always doing this frustrating thing where his mass reflects light into my pupil and forms a perception within my brain. It’s fucking unbearable. And it’s every day with this ‘maintaining a single personal identity through space and time’ bullshit. I understand if he wants to exist in the privacy of his own home, but does he seriously have to do it at work?” At press time, sources confirmed Shapiro was complaining about Mauro’s own annoying habit of arriving at work and spending the entire day breathing. 
It Pretty Obvious What Friend Will Look Like Old #~# LAFAYETTE, LA—Noting that their close friend’s current musculoskeletal structure already provided ample evidence as to where and when certain wrinkles would appear later in life, eyewitnesses to the face of local woman Zoe Campbell, 31, confirmed Wednesday that it was pretty obvious what Campbell would look like old. “She already has pretty pronounced laugh lines, so it’s not hard to think of those getting a little deeper as her cheeks soften and start to droop,” remarked Campbell’s close friend Helen Lepe, explaining that it was becoming increasingly easy to picture the skin on her 31-year-old friend’s now-youthful face as translucent, powdery, finely veined like blue cheese, and sprinkled with liver spots. “When she smiles, you can just picture her cracking the same huge, gummy grin 40 or 50 years from now, laughing somewhat too loud due to deteriorating hearing, surrounded by a cloud of sweet floral perfume. Just swap out her hair for some bluish cotton-candy fluff, throw a pair of coke-bottle glasses on her, and you’re there. She just has one of those faces.” Lepe added that, if imagined just a tad hoarser and pitched up half an octave or so, you could also totally tell exactly how Campbell’s voice would sound like old.
Best TV Show Opening Credits Sequences Of All Time #~# Netflix’s “Skip Intro” feature has led to concern that opening sequences of television shows, which can be artful, meaningful introductions, could be a dying art. The Onion takes a look at the most compelling and defining opening credits sequences of all time.
Catholic Church Now Opposes Death Penalty In All Cases #~# The Catholic Church now formally considers the death penalty “inadmissible” as an attack on the inviolability and dignity of the person and is pledging to work for its abolition worldwide, a shift from its previous position that it could be a force to protect the common good. What do you think?
Young Girls Creeped Out By Older Scientists Constantly Trying To Lure Them Into STEM #~# SEATTLE, WA—With responses ranging from “squirming in discomfort” to “completely discouraged from studying science and engineering,” a nationwide poll group of high school-age girls revealed Tuesday that the nation’s young women are being utterly creeped out by scientists twice their age constantly attempting to lure them into the study of science, technology, engineering, and math. “They’re always hanging around our classrooms and sending us targeted messages online—they sometimes even offer us money if we’re into their sort of thing. It’s so desperate,” said 13-year-old Tessa Levin, recounting the several times she and her friends had been approached by the type of much older chemical engineers or web developers who frequent science fairs with the hopes of involving girls in non-profit mentorship programs or computer programming sleepaway camps. “They always try to treat us like we’re special, but the truth is, they’ll go after pretty much any girl under 18 who can draw a simple parallel circuit diagram. They’re clearly trying to groom girls for their weird lifestyle from a young age. At first it was kind of funny, but the more we learn, the more it just seems gross.” The poll also revealed that some scientists also seem to have a thing for young black and latino boys.
Stephen Miller Desperately Searching For Next Fix After High Of Detained Children Starts Wearing Off #~# WASHINGTON—Muttering that he needed something more potent to get him flying again, Stephen Miller was desperately searching for his next fix Tuesday after the high of detained children began wearing off. “You get a taste for immigrant children suffering and then you’re always chasing the dragon—now I need at least half a dozen articles about kids being abused by their captors just to get to normal,” said the president’s senior advisor, absentmindedly scratching his arm and pacing back and forth as he sought out photos of crying Mexican mothers, lice-covered infants, or anything else that could provide him with a moment of much-needed release. “The hundreds of families still separated kept me going for a while there, and of course those reports of children being forever changed when they reconnected with their parents were some really good shit. But it’s just not enough anymore. I’m totally jonesing for something big, like an ICE detention center catching fire and burning everyone alive—something that can really get me off.” At press time, a blissed-out Miller had reportedly worked up a pretty good buzz looking at videos of tortured Libyan refugees who were barred from entering the United States under President Trump’s travel ban. 
Heading May Be Riskier For Female Soccer Players Than Males #~# A new study found that women show more sensitivity to cognitive damage from heading soccer balls than men. What do you think?
Climate Researchers Warn Only Hope For Humanity Now Lies In Possibility They Making All Of This Up #~# GENEVA—Saying the time to act has come and gone, a group of researchers from the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change warned Tuesday that any hope for the future of humanity now hinges on the possibility that scientists like themselves are simply making all of this up. “After reviewing our climate models and projections of worldwide CO2 emissions, we have come to the conclusion that the only scenario in which the human race survives is if our thousands upon thousands of meticulous empirical studies on climate change turn out to be something we’ve been lying about all along,” said climate scientist Philip Vanderwall, who stated that unless the entire scientific community has spent the past 50 years falsifying reams of data as part of a coordinated disinformation campaign to sabotage the global economy, the world’s low-lying coastal regions are as good as done for. “The evidence indicates our planet still might stand a chance of averting a complete climate catastrophe as long as my colleagues and I belong to a cabal of charlatans who are secretly paid huge sums of money to trick everyone into believing excess greenhouse gases will precipitate record-breaking natural disasters and worldwide famine. Otherwise, we’re all doomed.” On a personal note, Vanderwall added that he hopes that one day, his grandchildren will discover that he was involved in a massive, nefarious conspiracy spanning every country on the face of the earth, because it is the only thing that can possibly save them.
Rick Gates Fondly Recalls Manafort Finding Him As Hapless Street Urchin And Teaching Him How To Pickpocket #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—Speaking to a packed courtroom during his second day of testimony in the fraud trial for his former boss, Rick Gates fondly recalled Tuesday when Paul Manafort found him as a hapless street urchin and taught him how to pickpocket. “I was just a pauper sleeping on the streets of D.C. when I was approached by a peculiar, top-hatted young man, as dirty a juvenile as you’d ever see, but with all the airs of a gentleman,” Gates told prosecutors, explaining that after swiping a bushel of apples from a nearby street vendor, Manafort had introduced him to a gang of ragamuffins headed by an old, shriveled wretch by the name of Roger Stone. “They taught me their ways, and before long, I was filching right proper. Whenever a rich mark would come along, Manafort would distract him while I snuck up behind him and filched his pocket-book or snuff box. Sure, we had to scamper off any time the coppers turned up, but it sure beat living in the workhouse.” Gates confirmed that his partnership with Manafort would have likely continued indefinitely had they not been caught in an unsuccessful attempt to steal Robert Mueller’s monogrammed handkerchief. 
Embarrassed California Firefighters Realize They’ve Been Spraying Flames This Whole Time #~# WITTER SPRINGS, CA—Mortified at making such a boneheaded mistake during the largest blaze in state history, embarrassed California firefighters realized Tuesday that they have been spraying flames this whole time. “Aw, jeez, we’ve been using the fire cannons all along? That explains a lot,” said state firefighter Greg Vandermeer, adding that he was really kicking himself for not speaking up when he noticed most of the department’s efforts to fight the fires just seemed to be spreading the blaze further into the dry brush and dense scrub oak. “It was pretty stupid to store the fire tanks right next to the water tanks back at the station. But in the heat of the moment, it’s hard to tell the difference between fire in front of you and what’s coming out of your hose. It’s all just so hot. Gosh, we’re really going to hear it for this. Especially after wasting so much fire.” Vandermeer then noted that he hoped the pilots in their firefighting helicopters had double-checked to hit the button that drops stores of water rather than the one for smoldering coals.
Frustrated Rahm Emanuel Torn Between Addressing Chicago’s Shootings, Just Fucking Going For Nation’s Murder Capital #~# CHICAGO—In the wake of gun violence across the city that left 12 people dead over a single weekend, frustrated Mayor Rahm Emanuel was reportedly torn Tuesday between addressing Chicago’s shootings and just fucking going for the title of nation’s murder capital. “Look, things are tough right now, and it’s time for us as a city to decide whether we want to make the necessary policy changes to stem the flow of violence, or just say fuck it and go all in to become the most murderous city in the country,” said a visibly perturbed Emanuel in a press conference, adding that he wasn’t sure whether to reverse the deterioration of Chicago’s healthcare and education systems, or invest in programs that would send the city’s homicide rate soaring “way the hell” past those of St. Louis, Baltimore, and Detroit. “Sure, we could go further into debt by devoting public funds to reopening schools and mental health clinics, particularly in underfunded, high-crime communities, or we could just shutter the last of the after-school programs, crank up the police shootings, and let more neighborhood infrastructure fall into disrepair to encourage gangs to take over. It’s tough, you know, because we’ve already got this violent reputation, and there are a lot of ways we could actively work against that, but on the other hand, maybe it’s time to just throw up our hands, legalize the assault weapons that are flowing in from Indiana anyway, and arm everyone to the goddamn teeth. Maybe it’s time the only public services that Chicago offers are kill or be killed.” At press time, Emanuel clarified that any new initiative to turn the city into the state-of-the-art, highly efficient murder capital of the country would only apply to the majority-black neighborhoods.
Cash-Strapped NRA Forced To Shoot Dozens Of Redundant Employees #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Claiming its finances are in peril following regulatory actions by the State of New York, the National Rifle Association told staff members Tuesday it has been forced to cut operational costs by shooting dozens of the gun advocacy group’s redundant employees. “Faced with difficult financial realities, we will be moving forward without several of our key team members, whom we have had no choice but to gun down with bullets to the back of the head,” Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre wrote in an all-staff email, explaining the recently departed employees were each blindsided by the butt of an AR-15, dragged into their supervisor’s office, and told they would be given a generous five-second head start before HR representatives opened fire. “While we will miss coming into work every day and seeing their faces, which have been blown to bits and are no longer recognizable, we have a mandate to ensure the long-term survival of this organization, and once we’ve finished cleaning up all the blood and brain matter and skull fragments, we must commit ourselves to working harder than ever to fulfill our mission.” LaPierre went on to praise the NRA’s voluntary execution package, which entitles a killed-off employee’s family to temporary health benefits and an urn holding the cremated remains of their loved one. 
Carmelo Thinking He Would Be Good Fit On Team With GM Who Hasn’t Been Paying Attention Last Few Years #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to make the biggest impact possible in his 17th season, Carmelo Anthony revealed Tuesday that he thinks he would be a great fit on a team with a general manager who hasn’t been paying close attention the last few years. “The ideal situation for me would be a team that thinks they need that one last piece to become a contender and a brand-new GM who’s been out of basketball for years without really keeping up,” said Anthony, explaining that he would love to find a team run by someone who is completely out of touch with advanced statistics and has spent at least half a decade or more focused on his family and personal life rather than evaluating NBA talent. “I can definitely be a major contributor on a team where upper management is in transition and completely off their game. Someplace with a GM who knows all my strengths from five years ago and a new or unpopular coach who can take all the blame for my play would be perfect.” Anthony added that his ideal teammates would be ones that didn’t need to touch the ball to have an impact.
Alex Jones Warns Fans Quitting His Supplements Cold Turkey Can Lead To Homosexuality, Judaism #~# AUSTIN, TX—Cautioning against the devastating effects of abandoning the daily regimen of essential vitamins and minerals, radio host Alex Jones warned his fans Tuesday that quitting his supplements cold turkey could lead to homosexuality and Judaism. “Folks, if you miss even one day of your Anthroplex or Survival Shield X-2, you’re immediately going to start feeling Jewish, gay, or worse,” said the beleaguered InfoWars founder and staunch male virility advocate, emphasizing to his loyal followers that if their bodies were deprived of certain vital testosterone-enhancing products, dangerous symptoms of Deep State–adjacent illnesses could manifest just 72 hours after one’s last dosage. “Remember, your body requires these supplements in order to function properly. Without them, it will begin to completely shut down—the globalist levels in your bloodstream will shoot up, your tolerance for other people will skyrocket, and soon you’ll be attending a trans visibility march with a college-educated platonic female friend before lighting a menorah to kick off a gay orgy at Barack Obama’s house.” Jones added that anyone who did not take the supplements regularly would be better off with the mercy of a quick death by drinking an 8-ounce glass of fluoridated water.
Alex Jones Returns To Humble Roots Of Screaming Conspiracy Theories Through Megaphone At People In Park #~# AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging that his recent removal from several major media platforms may be for the best, noted conspiracy theorist and InfoWars host Alex Jones returned to his humble roots Monday screaming conspiracy theories through a megaphone at people in the park. “Although having my show and podcasts taken down by elitist liberal tech companies like YouTube and Apple is part of the growing feminization of our country, it’s ultimately going to backfire on them, because now I’m free to get back to the thing that launched my career—screaming crucial information about chemtrails and the gay agenda into the faces of unsuspecting park visitors,” said Jones as he eagerly approached a group of jump-roping children to shriek at them about the rise of tuberculosis in Chobani yogurt. “Sure, getting to film my show in a nice big indoor studio is great, but I feel I’d lost some of the passion that comes from hollering at people up close while they try to enjoy a picnic or play a game of bocce ball. I used to wake up in the bushes almost every day, my piss-soaked pants bunched around my ankles, my mouth already shouting at passersby and trees about white genocide. I’ve long since paid my dues as a leading conservative pundit. But once my show took off, I couldn’t help but think that I’d lost a little of that human connection that only comes from seeing the flecks of your own spit on a stranger’s face as you tell them, your voice distorted from the amplification, about the false flag operations where crisis actors try to take away our guns. And there’s just no feeling quite like the rush of climbing to the top of the jungle gym, the sweet ache of your throat lining tearing as you scream at parents and kids about autistic Muppets, the heat of the sun-warmed playground equipment seeping into your flushed nude body.” At press time, Jones was being escorted from Austin’s Balcones Public Park by police officers after an unsuccessful attempt to sell his Child Ease supplements to a family celebrating their daughter’s birthday.
First Amendment Experts Warn Facebook Banning InfoWars Could Set Completely Reasonable Precedent For Free Speech #~# WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the widespread repercussions from the act of corporate censorship, first amendment experts warned Monday that Facebook’s decision to ban InfoWars could set a completely reasonable precedent for free speech. “If we allow giant media platforms to single out individual users for harassing the families of murdered kindergarteners, it could lead to a nightmare scenario of measured and well-thought-out public discourse,” said Georgetown law professor Charles F. Abernathy, cautioning that it was sometimes very easy for private organizations to draw a line between constitutionally protected free speech and the slanderous ravings of a bloated lunatic hawking snake oil supplements. “What we see here really could be the beginning of a slippery slope towards a horrific ordeal in which any citizen who violates hate speech policies or blatantly spreads lies that cause other individuals to receive death threats will immediately be discredited and, perhaps, even asked to host their demonstrably false content on a website that they actually own.” Abernathy added that sites such as Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube all need to learn that they are totally free to act within the law.
Man Knows In Reality Marrying Minnie Mouse Wouldn’t Be As Perfect As He Imagines #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Conceding that any actual committed relationship with the anthropomorphic rodent would likely entail the usual day-to-day spousal complications, bachelor Pete Brookeshire admitted Monday that, in reality, a marriage to Minnie Mouse wouldn’t be as perfect as he liked to imagine. “Yes, Minnie is my dream girl-mouse, but I’m aware that we’d almost certainly have our differences, even after we eventually tied the knot. For one thing, she’s always busy, which is great—I love how engaged she is with the world—but spending quality time with my partner is something I really value,” said Brookeshire, acknowledging that Minnie would probably carry some emotional baggage from her decades-long relationship with Mickey Mouse. “For years, I’ve put her on this pedestal, but what happens the first time I see her in sweatpants on the couch, not even wearing her iconic pink polka-dot bow? I’ve got to temper my expectations a bit, because I’m sure we’d squabble and bicker just like any other interspecies animated/non-animated couple.” At press time, a visibly crestfallen Brookeshire had “put the whole plan on hold” after realizing that Minnie Mouse would never even notice a schlub like him.
Russian Orphans Devastated After Realizing Trump Tower Meeting Not About Getting Them Adopted #~# NORILSK, RUSSIA—Following the president’s disclosure that the purpose of the controversial June 2016 Trump Tower meeting was in fact held to collect opposition research on Hillary Clinton, hundreds of Russian orphans were devastated Monday after realizing that Donald Trump Jr. did not in fact call Russian lobbyists to the headquarters of his father’s business in order to arrange their adoptions. “We truly believed the nice Americans were going to save us from this hopeless life of hardship and toil,” said Evgeny Mikhailov, age 9, tearfully unpacking a small suitcase in his boarding house room in a frigid industrial city at the northernmost edges of Siberia and comforting his six hungry, tired siblings as best he could while they sobbed themselves to sleep. “This was the glimmer of hope we needed after the tractor factory took our Mamka and Papenka, but we learn now that all is a sham. We thought the Americans really cared for us, but they were just trying to cover their deceitful tracks.” The more than 25,000 orphans betrayed by the scandal have gone on record to express their satisfaction at learning how President Putin was at least helping oppose the deceitful Trump by supporting American Democrats.
President Admits Trump Tower Meeting Was To Get Dirt On Clinton #~# President Trump admitted this weekend that the purpose of a meeting between his son Don Jr. and a woman linked to the Kremlin was to search for incriminating information about Hillary Clinton, directly contradicting previous statements. What do you think?
Backpedaling Trump Claims Eldest Son Would Probably Be Fine Doing 5 To 10 Years In Prison #~# WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of past statements on the Trump Tower meeting, President Trump acknowledged Monday that he believed his eldest son would most likely be fine doing five to 10 years in a federal prison. “Despite reports that I’m concerned about my wonderful son being sent to jail, I actually think there wouldn’t be much harm at all if he was imprisoned for a decade or so,” said the president, directly contradicting previous reports that he had expressed worry to aides about his son facing legal repercussions for meeting with Russian agents by noting that Donald Jr. was a “resilient kid” who could easily weather a stint in a federal penitentiary until 2025. “Look, my son is young, he’s got a good head on his shoulders—I bet he’d do absolutely fantastic behind bars. Frankly, I’ve just got no problem with him getting locked up in a cell until he’s around 50. And, honestly, any news story telling you otherwise is a complete fabrication.” Trump also dismissed claims that he had any qualms about never seeing Jared Kushner again if his senior advisor were to receive a life sentence for treason.
Financial Planners Suggest Spending One Evening Each Week Ripping Apart Walls, Floorboards In Search For Cash #~# CHICAGO—Saying that home prospecting can be “a simple, low-effort method of exercising financial foresight,” the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors published a report Monday suggesting readers spend one evening ripping apart the walls and floorboards of their homes each week in search of hidden cash, jewelry, or other valuables. “We strongly recommend scheduling time to pry up floorboards with a crowbar and peering around in your joists for any fungible goods, or perhaps sledgehammering holes in your walls to search for lost Rembrandts or long-forgotten bearer bonds,” said NAPFA CEO Geoffrey Brown. “While this financial technique can result in solid earnings, we advise against any single-element investment plan: Homeowners should also be digging for jars of buried pre-war silver dollars in their backyards.” The report also strongly advised residents of coastal areas to consider scuba dives to shipwrecks in search of sunken doubloons or jewels.
Owl Can’t Remember Which Direction To Rotate Head Back #~# ITHACA, NY—Finding himself nearly paralyzed by frustration and indecision, an American horned owl couldn’t remember which direction to turn in order to rotate his head back into place, avian sources confirmed Monday. “God, I always do this. I’m pretty sure it’s righty-tighty, lefty-loosey, but I forget which way I turned to start with,” said the 12-year-old nocturnal raptor, who attributed his dilemma to spinning his head too quickly after being spooked by a passing flock of geese. “Okay, okay, what if I just move the bottom half of my body? Fuck! Fuck, that hurt. Geez, it looks like I’m stuck this way until my wife gets home.” At press time, the owl had crash-landed in the dirt after attempting to flip his head upside down while perched on a juniper tree.
Police Officer Wouldn’t Have Killed Black Man If He Knew Everyone Would Make Such A Big Fuss About It #~# MILWAUKEE, WI—Expressing his deep and heartfelt regrets regarding how the incident has played out in the media, Milwaukee police officer Ian Feeny said Monday that he would never have killed an unarmed black man during a routine traffic stop if he had known that everyone would make such a big fuss about the incident. “When I review the unfortunate events of the night of July 11, I’m forced to admit that conducting myself differently and reacting with less violence would have avoided this whole hubbub,” said Feeny, who referred to the negative media exposure he had received in recent weeks, on top of the sheer amount of paperwork he’d been made to file, as “a heartbreaking tragedy.” “Living with the consequences of my actions, with the sheer weight of public opinion concerning my police work, has been a life-altering inconvenience. I can’t wait until this whole chapter ends with an innocent verdict in my favor.” After receiving word that he’d be placed on paid leave, an exasperated Feeny complained, “This is the reward I get for being a good guy,” and not planting guns and drugs on the victim’s body.
Trump Pushes For Interview With Mueller #~# Defying legal advice, President Trump told lawyers recently that he is eager to sit down for an interview with the special counsel. What do you think?
Most Used Words In Ray Lewis’ Hall Of Fame Acceptance Speech #~# On Saturday night, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame and delivered his acceptance speech during the enshrinement ceremony in Canton, OH. Below are the words and phrases used by Lewis, weighted by the frequency in which they appeared.
Grandmother Can’t Believe She Hung On This Long For Granddaughter’s Lame-Ass Wedding #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting that the ceremony was an absolute shit show, local grandmother Shirley Ingle could not believe Saturday that she’d hung on so long just to attend her granddaughter’s lame-ass wedding. “I fought so hard to stay alive and be here for this special day, but my God—this wedding fucking sucks,” said the 91-year-old grandmother of bride Kaleigh Price, recounting the couple’s hackneyed vows, the bride’s bouquet of “wilted as shit” white chrysanthemums, and the “mush-mouth” officiant with “no goddamn” public speaking skills. “Christ, don’t get me started on the God-fucking-awful reception. For their first dance, they started out doing a slow dance to ‘At Last’ before throwing on sunglasses and going into a humiliating choreographed routine to some pop song from the 90s, like that crap has never been done before. And they had a stupid-ass cupcake tower instead of a real cake. I should’ve known to just kick the bucket after that piss-poor excuse of an engagement party they had last year.” Ingle confirmed that there was no way in hell she was going to endure more suffering just to see what kind of dipshit baby her granddaughter squirted out in a few years.
Trump Administration Revokes Obama-Era Fuel Standards #~# The White House is moving ahead on its plan to roll back the fuel economy mandate set by the Obama administration, likely resulting in more low-efficiency cars on the road. What do you think?
Sun Pacific Unveils New ‘Hotties’ Variety Of Voluptuous, Shapely Clementines #~# PASADENA, CA—Claiming that their sexy new citrus strain demonstrates their commitment to exploring new once-forbidden horizons in the commercial fruit market, Sun Pacific unveiled Friday a new “Hotties” variety of voluptuous, shapely clementines. “At Sun Pacific, we know that our customers dream of sinking into a clementine more luscious than any other. Well, there’s no doubt about it—these tart little numbers are ripe, juicy, and ready to explode,” a statement released by the company explained that the new clementine began as an attempt to simply improve upon the existing “Cuties” variety before curious researchers realized how deeply today’s discerning adult palates desired more mature, sensual fruit. “Believe me, these babies may be small, but they’re all clementine. Your mouth will water as you gently separate their quivering, dewy segments, bury your face in their secret clefts, and hilt your tongue in the sweet tenderness within.” Sun Pacific announced plans to sell Hotties in a commemorative red satin pouch for a limited time.
Pope Francis Hastily Condemns Capital Punishment After Vatican Police Announce New Evidence Found In 2014 Stabbing #~# VATICAN CITY—In a reversal of the Catholic Church’s longstanding doctrine, Pope Francis hastily condemned capital punishment Friday after Vatican police announced the discovery of significant new evidence related to a brutal 2014 stabbing death. “Capital punishment is an attack on the dignity of a person, and it is never acceptable regardless of the seriousness of their transgressions or how much incriminating proof is found,” said the supreme pontiff in a hurriedly assembled press conference hours after the Gendarmerie Corps of Vatican City State revealed they had uncovered new DNA evidence that would provide a breakthrough in the unsolved murder of a visiting cardinal in the Sistine Chapel. “Let us recognize that no Christian of good conscience should ever sentence someone to death, no matter what they did or how bad it looks or how carefully planned it appears. Capital punishment is an immoral practice, even if police have a rock-solid case after finding a knife used to stab a victim nearly 50 times taped beneath a church pew and covered in a single assailant’s fingerprints, as well as recovering a savagely dismembered body dumped into the Tiber River. The death penalty is inhumane and must be abolished everywhere starting immediately.” At press time, Pope Francis had published a hastily written encyclical establishing it as new Catholic Church catechism that there should be no legal punishment for public urination.
Steve Buscemi To Make Surprise Guest Appearance In This Article #~# CHICAGO—Teasing that the Brooklyn-born actor was best known for his roles in Reservoir Dogs, Boardwalk Empire, and The Big Lebowski, sources confirmed Friday that a very special guest was rumored to appear later on in this article. This will reportedly mark the Hollywood legend’s first-ever foray into this paragraph, so sources encouraged readers to stick around and witness history. Get ready, sources added. According to reports, anticipation intensified after it was revealed that the star of stage and screen would not only appear, but would also be heavily featured in the upcoming set of words. Strap in, sources confirmed, because the critically acclaimed icon is coming right up. At press time, Steve Buscemi appeared as the subject of this sentence.
White House Reporters Warn Huckabee Sanders She Harming America And It’s Selling Like Fucking Hotcakes #~# WASHINGTON—In a statement intended to send a strong message to the White House press secretary in response to her controversial and adversarial remarks regarding the media, press corps reporters united Friday to warn Sarah Huckabee Sanders that her veiled accusations and outright untruths were doing deep, untold harm to America and the results were selling like fucking hotcakes. “Secretary Sanders, the pattern of distrust you and the president have established towards the constitutionally protected practice of the First Amendment is eroding Americans’ faith in their nation’s most fundamental institutions, and we’ll be goddamned if people aren’t eating it right the hell up,” said NBC’s Kasie Hunt, who cautioned Sanders that she was in danger of going down in history as the press secretary who spread discord among the American people, threatened the free press, and waged war on freedom of in speech in general, all of which have grown readership like nobody’s business. “Each day that you stand behind the podium and call the press the enemy of the American people is another day you corrode the fundamental trust at the heart of democracy’s basic social contract, and also another deadline where we can just record what you say verbatim, print it, and beat our circulation goals by 35 percent.” Immediately following her statement, Hunt was drowned out by other members of the White House press corps fighting to thank Sanders for keeping their respective publications in the black. 
Angolan War Criminal Called In As Character Witness To Manafort Fraud Trial #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—In an effort to showcase the former Trump campaign manager’s most positive attributes, Angolan war criminal Abilio Macanga was called to act as a character witness Friday in the Paul Manafort fraud trial. “Paul is a savvy businessman, an upstanding member of his community, and, above all else, one of my closest friends,” said Macanga, a warlord personally responsible for the brutal slaughter of thousands of innocent women and children during the Angolan Civil War. “When I was down on my luck during a particularly difficult diamond smuggling operation, Paul stood by me. And when I was almost assassinated in a coup by my own soldiers, Paul lent me the money to pay the mercenary I used to hunt down and murder the families of those who betrayed me. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for that defendant right there, Paul Manafort.” At press time, Manafort’s defense called up their next witness, a trembling former intern who insisted his boss was a great guy who never once threatened to break his fucking legs so bad he’d be walking sideways the rest of his life.
Senate Bill Would Require Census To Ask About Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity #~# Democrats have introduced a bill that would require the 2030 census to ask about sexual orientation and gender identity to ensure the government gathers more robust data about LGBTQ individuals. What do you think? 
Christian Pornographer Refuses To Film Sex Tape For Gay Couple #~# ATLANTA—Saying it would violate his deeply held religious beliefs, area pornographer Chet Kirkendall, a 57-year-old Christian who frequently films explicit amateur videos for his clients, confirmed Friday he had denied service to a gay male couple that wished to hire him to direct their sex tape. “I’ve been in this business 25 years, and I strongly believe rim jobs, facials, and other hardcore sex acts should only take place between one man and one woman, or one man and two women, or in some cases five men taking turns with one woman—but never two men,” said Kirkendall, who told reporters that after a career directing hundreds of gang bangs, scenes of “barely legal” teenagers, and a variety of stepmother-themed material, he wasn’t about to violate his traditional Christian values by filming man-on-man action. “I take my work very seriously and am always proud to capture on video the sacred union of a man thrusting deep inside a woman and then cumming on her tits, or sometimes her face. God condones such sucking and fucking, but in His eyes, filming homosexual men bringing each other to orgasm through anal sex or vigorous fisting would be an abomination. It’s right there in the Book of Leviticus.” Asked whether he also would have denied service to a lesbian couple, Kirkendall refused to give a definitive answer, saying it might be permissible to accept such a job “as long as it was two hot chicks.”
The Onion’s Guide To ‘Fortnite’ #~# The multiplayer online shooter game Fortnite has become a cultural phenomenon, with over 40 million players a month. The Onion presents a guide to everything you need to know about Fortnite.
‘The Onion’ Proudly Stands With The Media As The Enemy Of The People #~# In recent days, President Donald Trump has increased his criticism of the media, and at a briefing Thursday, his press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, controversially refused to walk back his statements. Recognizing that unity in the journalistic profession is absolutely essential to allowing reporters to bravely and securely practice their craft, The Onion announces that we proudly stand with our brothers and sisters in the media as the enemy of the people.
Court Says Monkey Cannot Hold Rights To Own Selfie #~# The Ninth Circuit of Appeals has weighed in on a case brought to court by PETA, saying that Naruto, a Sulawesi macaque who took a viral selfie, cannot sue for the copyright to its own photo. What do you think?
Pope Francis Admits ‘Like 97%’ Of Past Church Leadership ‘Probably Burning In Hell’ #~# VATICAN CITY—In a historic admission of the Catholic Church’s complicated and often shameful history, Pope Francis admitted in an informal public statement Thursday that “like, 97 percent” of Catholic leadership are “probably burning in hell right now.” “Believe me, contemporary Catholics are quite familiar with our legacy of murder, rape, cultural exploitation, and thievery on every scale from splitting up South America for silver rights down to just stealing stuff—make no mistake, most of those holy men were simply terrible people who deserve to fry in their own considerable fat for eternity,” said His Holiness, who took time during an informal lunch meeting with interfaith leaders to deliver a capsule history of manifold crimes committed by Vatican higher-ups, complete with a running commentary on the church’s long tradition of manipulating and mistreating its devotees. “Keep in mind this was just the stuff they did to other Catholics—at least, they were Catholic when those vicious scoundrels were done with them. Well, they’re paying for it in searing pain and screams now. Oh, and if someone wouldn’t convert, or couldn’t be converted by force? That’s when we get into Crusades, the Inquisitions, Spanish and others, the name of Christ invoked in the slaughter of native peoples, which is why their eyes will forever boil from out of their roasting skulls. I mean, it was Hitler who forced Jews to wear the yellow star, but centuries before that, Popes enforced dress codes for non-Christians. There’s no way those bastards aren’t being flayed alive by demons in hell right now.” Pope Francis, observing a recent tradition, declined to comment on the church’s multiple ongoing child-abuse scandals.
Ivanka Trump Distraught After Learning Detained Migrant Children Completely Without Sewing Machines #~# WASHINGTON––While being briefed on the inhumane, unsanitary, often abusive conditions in facilities housing more than 700 immigrant children who have been separated from their families for months on end, White House advisor and first daughter Ivanka Trump was distraught to learn Thursday that none of the detainees from ages 1 to 12 had even the most basic access to sewing machines. “When I think of those poor kids, caged so far from the factories where they belong, it just breaks my heart,” said Trump, as her chin quivered at the mere thought of the hundreds of young children who had been stripped of their right to make designer bags, shoes, and clothing. “These poor little children have the ideal hand and finger size to make small, precise stitches in profitable designer clothing, and any decent sweatshop should be able to find more than enough room for them. It’s deeply upsetting to picture them just waiting on a cold, empty concrete floor without a single purse or jacket to sew. That any child, regardless of national origin, should be treated like this is an unthinkable waste, and I intend to personally see that these children are reunited with their sewing machines immediately.” Ms. Trump later announced the establishment of the Ivanka Trump Collection Foundation, which will donate thousands of dollars’ worth of garment-making equipment to ICE facilities.
Nerf Introduces Line Of Real Guns #~# PAWTUCKET, RI—In a move designed to capitalize on the company’s successful five-decade legacy of quality foam weaponry, representatives from Hasbro armaments subsidiary Nerf announced Thursday that they would be diversifying their line of dart, disc, and ball launchers to include actual firearms. “We cannot emphasize enough that these are not toys,” said CEO Mark Ridley, noting that newly released products such as the .44 Nerf Magnum Revolver and NR-15 Tactical Assault Rifle are intended for home protection and hunting and are poorly suited for chasing nephews around the yard at family barbeques. “They may carry the legendary Nerf brand on the precision-forged aluminum receiver, but they are chambered for the 7.62mm rifle cartridge, which will penetrate a kevlar vest at 200 meters. Yes, you can still find them in the children’s section—after all, these firearms have the same ease of use and potential for hours of fun customers have come to expect from our brand—but they rely on lead for stopping power, not merely the power of imagination. Remember, when your family’s safety is threatened, it’s Nerf or nothin’!™” Nerf also signed a contract to supply $375 million worth of law enforcement, glow-in-the-dark suction-cup, and military armaments to the government of Saudi Arabia.
Ohio State Puts Urban Meyer On Paid Secret Coaching Leave #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Following allegations that the school’s head football coach knew about domestic abuse accusations made against a former assistant in 2015 and then lied that he didn’t, Ohio State University officials reportedly announced Thursday that Urban Meyer had been put on paid secret coaching leave. “We’re taking this investigation seriously, which is why Urban Meyer is being asked to stay away from the university in any professional capacity except developing game plans, making roster decisions, and otherwise overseeing every aspect of the football team through clandestine back channels,” said Ohio State athletic director Gene Smith, adding that Meyer agreed that training camp would be better served if he pretended to stay away from the team during the inquiry. “These are extremely disturbing allegations, and it’s better for everyone involved if Coach Meyer isn’t performing any of his coaching duties publicly. He won’t be permitted on university property when cameras are present, and Ryan Day will purport to serve as acting head coach while he’s hiding somewhere during games feeding instructions to the staff.” Smith also stated that the investigation would end and Meyer could rejoin the team on the field as soon as evidence clearly indicated that the Buckeyes had lost even one game.
Israel Passes Law Cementing Itself As Exclusive Nation-State Of Benjamin Netanyahu #~# JERUSALEM—In what is being regarded internationally as a powerful declaration of national purpose, Israel passed a binding resolution Thursday cementing itself as the exclusive nation-state of Benjamin Netanyahu. “Israel was created by and for Benjamin Netanyahu, and as a homeland for the Netanyahuan people,” said Speaker of the Knesset Yuli-Yoel Edelstein, noting that the land of Israel is regarded as the ancestral homeland of Netanyahu and thus should be administered solely at his discretion. “Today’s vote reaffirms our commitment to protecting Bibi’s privileged status as the preeminent population of Israel. We recognize that this country was formed to be a Netanyahu state and will remain so in perpetuity. Furthermore, as our very existence depends upon the establishment of one Netanyahu, undivided, a unified Jerusalem must always be the capital of Netanyahu.” Edelstein added that the resolution authorizes Israel to continue annexing Palestinian land in the occupied West Bank as well as the construction of Netanyahu-only settlements.
Terry Francona Still Amazed People Think Managing Baseball Hard In Any Way #~# CLEVELAND—Flatly denying that he’s had any influence whatsoever over his team’s success, Cleveland Indians manager Terry Francona admitted Thursday that he was amazed people still think managing baseball was hard in any way. “If I’m being honest, there is really no strategy or skill involved at all—I could probably take a nap in the dugout and it wouldn’t make a difference,” said Francona, 59, who explained his entire plan going into every game was to have players continue to hit in their predetermined order and tell them “nice job,” when they made a good catch. “Everybody on the team already knows how baseball works, and there are only, like, four things you can do anyway. Plus, I have a bunch of assistant coaches who specialize in helping them with swings and pitching. The team could save millions if they just had an unpaid intern doing this.” Francona added that despite the ease of his job, there was a certain art to slapping players on the back.
Alex Trebek May Leave ‘Jeopardy!’ In 2020 #~# Iconic game show host Alex Trebek revealed that he is considering leaving Jeopardy! by 2020, suggesting Alex Faust, the TV voice of the Los Angeles Kings, could be a fit to replace him. What do you think?
Manafort Trial Begins #~# The trial of former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort for bank fraud has begun, signaling the start of the next prosecutorial phase in Robert Mueller’s probe. What do you think?
Facebook Identifies Dozens Of Suspicious Accounts Seemingly Enjoying Time On Website #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Finally homing in on a lead in their ongoing investigation into potentially fraudulent accounts, Facebook reported Wednesday the identification of dozens of suspicious accounts belonging to people who seem to enjoy their time on the website. “We discovered a small but significant number of registered users who appeared not only to be using the site for multiple hours each week, but also having a nice time communicating with friends and family members while logged in—all of which jumped out at us right away as a huge red flag,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, describing the dozens of accounts suspiciously linked to civil and even friendly online interactions within a small but tight-knit group of users, all of whom were reportedly close acquaintances in real life. “Thankfully, this bizarre activity was extremely limited and represents only a tiny sliver of our overall online engagement. We can confirm the overwhelming majority of accounts still belong to normal, miserable people who absolutely despise our platform but use it anyway.” Zuckerberg also announced a new site-wide policy for the automatic termination of any account that appears to demonstrate any signs of human joy whatsoever.
New Restaurant Specializes In Trendy Japanese-Japanese Fusion Cuisine #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Declaring that his vaunted culinary insights most often come from the simple practice of combining diverse food cultures across the globe, avant-cuisine innovator and star restaurateur Victor Tobias announced Wednesday the opening of Teriyaki-San, his new restaurant specializing in cutting-edge Japanese-Japanese fusion cuisine. “It’s astounding what innovative, taste-forward, and yet truly simple dishes you can create when you take traditional Japanese food and interweave it with the classic textures of Japan. Think about the voluptuousness of sushi, but complemented by traditional Japanese flavorways such as earthy sesame seeds and the mineral heat of wasabi,” said Tobias, whose inspiration for the radical gustative intertwining came from a six-month stint learning the ins and outs of traditional Japanese cuisine at a sushi restaurant in Tokyo’s ultra-formal Akasaka district, followed a few months later by a trip to Tokyo’s frenetic Ginza district to refine his techniques at a traditional yakitori. “You’d think the flavors of these two distinct places would compete on the palate, but I was stunned to discover they harmonize perfectly on the tongue, almost as if meant for one another. We’re even experimenting with wild pairings of traditional Japanese foods, such as pork-belly ramen, with traditional Japanese saké. My feeling is, when you bring the food of different places together, you bring different people together.” Reservations at Teriyaki-San are currently booked through the next 14 months.
Netflix Adds Thousands Of Mediocre New Subscribers #~# LOS GATOS, CA—Expressing disappointment while paging through a list of recent additions to the streaming-video service, Netflix executive Bela Bajaria noted Wednesday that the site had been updated to include thousands of mediocre new subscribers. “It’s nice to see some fresh options on here, but none of these people look very interesting at all,” said Bajaria, staring vacantly as she browsed the thousands of dull and uninspiring users added to Netflix this month. “Ugh, I was hoping there would finally be some good ones available, but these new subscribers just look boring or, in some cases, flat-out stupid. I’ve been scrolling and scrolling, but nothing is jumping out at me. It’s like, what’s the point?” Bajaria went on to lament the fact that so many of her favorite subscribers weren’t even on the site anymore.
Loose-Cannon Cop Who Doesn’t Play By The Rules Uses Unconventional Filing System For Paperwork While On Desk Duty #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Citing his cocksure disregard for standard procedure in favor of a more fast-and-loose approach, stunned sources reported Wednesday that loose-cannon cop Colin Roherty refuses to play by the rules, employing his own unorthodox system to file documents while on desk duty. “Instead of doing things by the book, this guy cuts through all the bullshit, three-hole punching everything left and right until his paperwork is completely organized,” said fellow officer Greg Yannis, observing that despite Roherty’s devil-may-care attitude toward plastic sheet protectors and binder tabs, he always manages to get the job done. “His desk is covered in all kinds of Post-it notes, and one time, he stayed up all night dropping manila folders back into the hanging files just because his gut told him he was onto something. Say what you will about his methods—that son of a bitch gets results.” At press time, Roherty had been called in for a dressing-down from his sergeant, who threatened to take away the maverick cop’s badge and stapler.
Timeline Of Studies On The Effects Of Coffee #~# Coffee is the world’s third-most-popular beverage, and the scientific understanding of coffee’s effects on the body has changed many times over its history. The Onion reviews the health claims that have been attributed to coffee over the years.
Sessions Vows To Protect All Deeply Held Religious Bigotry #~# WASHINGTON—Standing firm in his commitment to one of the nation’s guiding principles, Attorney General Jeff Sessions went on record Wednesday vowing to protect the deeply held religious bigotry of all Americans. “Dating back to colonial times, America has been a place where individuals are free to live in accordance with their own personal prejudices, and I’m dedicated to ensuring our people retain the right to discriminate against others based upon their religion,” said Sessions, condemning what he described as secular trends within society that threaten the freedom to treat people as second-class citizens if they adhere to a different faith or no faith at all. “I was raised in a devoutly intolerant household, so I understand the importance of being allowed to hate in whatever way one sees fit. To me, that’s what being an American is all about.” In his closing remarks, Sessions warned that surrendering the right to discriminate according to religion could be the start of a slippery slope that ends with Americans losing their sacred right to discriminate according to gender, sexual orientation, or even race.
McDonald’s Unveils ‘MacCoin’ To Celebrate 50th Anniversary Of Big Mac #~# McDonald’s will be giving customers “MacCoins” with all purchases of Big Macs—a celebration of the 50th anniversary of the Big Mac that can be exchanged for another Big Mac. What do you think?
Lisa Murkowski Admits She Thought Being Alaskan Senator Would Just Mean Having To Deal With Bears And Shit #~# WASHINGTON—Somewhat taken aback by her pivotal role in Brett Kavanaugh’s potential confirmation to the Supreme Court, Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) confessed to reporters Friday that she initially believed being an Alaskan senator would mean nothing more complex than “having to deal with bears and shit.” “Oh, man, I tell you what, when I first signed up for this job, I was thinking I’d just be hashing out bald eagles and glaciers and tundras and stuff, not determining the judicial course that the entire damn country will be taking for decades to come,” said Murkowski, who assumed that upon taking office she would be mainly tasked with making sure moose don’t wander onto the Great Alaskan Highway and signing people’s fishing licenses, not serving as one of the key figures determining the ideological framework of an entire branch of government. “Sure, I guessed there might be some more important stuff with, like, all those forests and natural resources and where to drill and such, but the last thing I thought I’d be asked to do was establish a symbolic precedent for how the nation deals with allegations of sexual assault by judges. Seriously, at most, I thought I’d have to have lunch with people doing stuff with the oil pipelines.” Susan Collins (R-ME) concurred with Murkowski, saying she once thought her job as the senator for Maine would mainly entail dealing with, like, lobsters and maple fucking syrup.
Christine Blasey Ford Testifies On Sexual Assault Allegations Against Brett Kavanaugh #~# Christine Blasey Ford provided testimony to the U.S. Senate about her allegation that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her in 1982, saying she was “100 percent” certain of her claims. What do you think?
Mark Judge Can’t Believe That Fucking Lightweight Kavanaugh Got ‘Boofing’ And ‘The Devil’s Triangle’ Wrong #~# BETHANY BEACH, DE—Shaking his head in frustration as he read about the testimony given by his old high school friend to the Senate Judiciary Committee, Mark Judge reportedly confirmed Friday that he couldn’t believe that fucking lightweight Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh got the meanings of “boofing” and “the Devil’s Triangle” wrong. “Seriously, that’s just fucking despicable, and there’s no way that little bitch should be anywhere near the Supreme Court,” said a visibly pissed-off Judge, adding that he couldn’t fathom handing over a lifetime appointment to America’s highest judicial body to “some candy-ass dipshit” who couldn’t remember important things like the fact that everyone knows the Devil’s Triangle “is not some dumb drinking game—it’s a fuckin’ threesome with two dudes on one chick. It’s awesome.” “Jesus Christ, I’ve never been so disappointed in someone. I mean, I knew Brett was a puker, but I simply can’t accept the possibility that he blacked out from drinking ’skis so many times that he forgot that boofing is taking beer up the ass. He said it’s about farting? Come the fuck on, dude—we used to boof all the time! Man, all of America was watching, and he totally pussied out. Honestly, I’m ashamed to say I was his friend.” Judge added that he hoped that further investigations into Kavanaugh could allow the nominee to prove his truthfulness by vouching for the time they were in a threesome at a party and their dicks accidentally touched.
Health Experts Urge Parents To Dramatically Reduce Childrens’ On-Screen Time #~# STANFORD, CA—Warning that the bright lights and flashy sets could have lasting effects on early brain development, health experts at Stanford University published a report Friday urging parents to dramatically reduce their children’s on-screen time. “Simply put, there is nothing worse for your child than allowing them to sit in front of a camera all day and record hour after hour of their YouTube series or Twitch stream,” said professor of psychology Brian McCollum, adding that while on-screen time should really be capped at 60 minutes per day, many 3- to 10-year-olds actually spend the majority of their afternoons and weekends at home, mindlessly churning out content from their living room couches. “We understand that after a long day at work, parents might want to just relax and let their kids entertain their thousands of subscribers, but this behavior can often be harmful. Staring right into the lens of a camera can hurt vision and self-esteem, plus it’s hard for a developing brain to handle that kind of stimulation.” McCollum concluded the report by suggesting some helpful parental control apps that would allow them to dictate how much time their children can spend editing videos.
Lindsey Graham Dining Alone At Applebee’s Kind Of Wishes Protesters Would Come Heckle Him #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—Admitting that it would be a nice change of pace to have some attention every now and then, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) told reporters Friday that he sometimes wished he could be accosted by protesters as he ate his usual meal alone at his local Applebee’s. “I’m not asking for a crowd, but I wouldn’t mind a few people stopping by to yell at me or hurl some sort of accusations just so I wouldn’t have to eat by myself,” said Senator Graham, who also remarked on how “lucky” Texas senator Ted Cruz had been to be chased from a restaurant over his support of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “I mean, I eat at least four meals a week in this Applebee’s, and I’m a staunch Kavanaugh supporter who has said a lot of frankly terrible things to discredit his accusers, so why don’t the regulars here try and drive me away? Hell, they don’t even have to ruin my whole meal. Just a quick ‘fuck you’ as they walked by would make me feel like I was noticed.” Senator Graham later became defensive when a stranger walked toward him while saying, “Hey, you,” but almost immediately realized the man had been addressing someone behind him.
The Beatles Announces ‘The White Album’ 50th Anniversary Edition #~# The Beatles will release a deluxe reissue of The White Album on Nov. 9, featuring a remixed album, seven early acoustic demos, and many previously unreleased session takes. What do you think?
The Case For And Against Getting Rid Of The Penny #~# The U.S. one-cent coin costs more money than its face value to produce, which has led to debate over whether it’s worth continuing to mint and keep in circulation. The Onion presents the case for and against getting rid of the penny.
Study Finds Humans Evolved Fingers To Stop Dropping Stuff #~# CHICAGO—In what many have deemed a “missing link” of homosapien development, researchers at Northwestern University announced Friday that humans likely evolved fingers to help them stop dropping stuff. “Based on our analysis, early humans developed digits after centuries of being totally unable to grip things between their two fingerless palms,” said lead researcher Dr. Marci Packer, who confirmed that natural selection effectively weeded out prehistoric humans who frequently attempted to pick up food or tools, but then would either drop them or just end up pushing them along the ground with their smooth, useless hands. “Although some were able to carry essential items between their wrists, in their teeth, or under their chins, fingers changed everything. Before that, humans would often be found dead, buried surrounded by dozens of broken objects.” Packer added that her team of researchers were confident that these findings would help bring them closer to understanding why humans developed toes, whose evolutionary purpose still remains to be seen.
Dunkin’ Donuts Changes Name To Dunkin’ #~# Food chain Dunkin’ Donuts has changed its name to Dunkin’ to signal its growth beyond only selling donuts, with the new branding making appearances at locations and on merchandise starting in January. What do you think?
Researchers Observe Chimpanzees Using Pro Tools #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—In a groundbreaking experiment that shows humans aren’t the only species capable of operating industry-standard recording software, researchers at the University of Alabama confirmed Thursday they had observed chimpanzees using Pro Tools. “Within minutes of being placed near a full suite of audio equipment, the chimps in our study had not only mastered the basic record and playback functions, but had also discovered how to add crude layers of synth, bass, and drums to establish a sick groove,” said lead researcher Anthony Cho, who noted that chimpanzees were found to possess the cognitive and motor skills necessary to EQ, compress, and auto-tune tracks containing the primitive vocalizations they use to communicate. “Other nonhuman primates, including gorillas and orangutans, have been seen operating simple analog tape recorders, but none have come close to creating professional-sounding, dance-friendly pop singles. It appears that all chimps need is a microphone, a studio, and a few hours alone, and they can create a track that fucking slaps.” The researchers went on to suggest that the only characteristics separating humans from lesser apes now appear to be the human abilities to generate buzz on social media and license music for television commercials. 
Kavanaugh Impressed By Hazing Rituals Before They Let You Join Supreme Court #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting he was surprised by all the tasks required of him in order to enter the prestigious organization, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh reportedly stated Thursday that he was impressed by the hazing rituals you have to go through before they let you join the Supreme Court. “Man, I knew the Supreme Court doesn’t let just anyone in, but I’ve got to say, they’ve really made me run the gauntlet and do all this embarrassing stuff—I mean, I had to go on national television with my wife and tell everyone how long I was a virgin,” said Kavanaugh, acknowledging that he had to respect the humiliating challenges he’s been put through to prove himself worthy of the Supreme Court, like showing his high school diary to the entire country and having to face multiple women from his youth who he “didn’t even go all the way with.” “I did some pretty gnarly stuff back during my fraternity days, so I figured they’d force me to get paddled or chant the Supreme Court motto ‘Equal Justice Under Law’ for a few hours outside in my underwear or stick my thumb up someone’s ass, but this hazing is really putting me through a wringer. But I’ll do whatever I have to if it means they’ll let me be a justice. Supreme Court for life!” Kavanaugh added that when he had felt especially ashamed during the hazing process, he just reminded himself that this was the same initiation his future Supreme Court brother Clarence Thomas had to endure.
Kavanaugh Claims He Never Committed Sexual Assault As It Will Be Defined After Future Supreme Court Case #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Brett Kavanaugh defended himself against accusations of misconduct Thursday with claims that he never committed sexual assault as it will come to be defined in a future Supreme Court case. “The allegations that I assaulted these women are categorically untrue based on the 2019 case of Sandberg v. Jones, which will establish that only penetrative sex can be classified as assault, and then only in cases with up to four eye-witnesses,” said Kavanaugh, arguing that the upcoming 5-4 decision in which he will write the majority opinion would completely exonerate him. “Admittedly, there are things from my past that cause me to cringe, but I have never done anything that could be considered illegal based on this landmark ruling that will come up in the next few months. Furthermore, these accusations are largely irrelevant as they fall significantly outside the soon-to-be-established statute of limitations of two weeks following an alleged incident.” Kavanaugh added that this whole ordeal had been extremely trying for him and his family, and he looked forward to pursuing legal action against Christine Blasey Ford for violating forthcoming laws against defaming a federal judge.
GOP Attacks Christine Blasey Ford For Never Coming Forward To Testify #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that her refusal to appear before them and testify called into question all of her accusations, GOP officials attacked Brett Kavanaugh accuser Christine Blasey Ford for never coming forward during Thursday’s public hearing. “Dr. Ford was extremely disrespectful by refusing to show up today. We set up this hearing and sat there for hours waiting, yet we didn’t hear a single word from her,” said Senator Chuck Grassley, who claimed the Senate now had no choice but to move forward on the confirmation vote since Ford had outright refused to publicly defend her allegations or even enter the Capitol Building. “Her absence clearly discredits her entire story. Brett Kavanaugh was brave enough to show up, he spoke very clearly and eloquently, and everyone here carefully listened to what he had to say. My colleagues sacrificed their time and energy to prepare a number of important questions and waited around, but we just got crickets.” Grassley added that it was completely unprofessional for his Democratic colleagues Dianne Feinstein, Kamala Harris, Amy Klobuchar, and Mazie Hirono to skip the hearing as well.
Logging Industry Announces That They Just Can’t Fucking Get Enough Of Logs #~# GRAHAM, WA—In a feverish statement that captured their excitement and adoration, the nation’s logging industry announced Thursday that they “just can’t fucking get enough” of logs. “We stand before you today to let it be known that we love logs. We love them deeply and completely. We love stacking logs, chopping logs, sawing logs, carrying logs, trimming logs, debarking logs, processing logs, drying logs, throwing logs in the back of a trailer, ratcheting down logs, driving logs to a lumberyard, turning logs into planks, building a house with logs—hell, sometimes we like to just stand there for hours and stare at a log, smiling ear to ear the whole time,” said Bill Wright, CEO of Zuelke Logging Service, echoing the sentiments of the 67,000 other members of the logging industry in confirming that logs kicked fucking ass. “We go totally apeshit for logs. A list of our interests starts and ends with the word ‘logs.’ We wake up each morning champing at the bit to chop more logs, and every second we’re not spending in a lumberyard, a forest, or the woods is a second wasted. We love how logs smell, we love how they feel, we love their shape, and we just can’t contain ourselves when we’re moving a log around with a logging crane. Logs in the morning, logs at night, and in between? Logs. Turn them into paper, turn them into timber, log our logs in the log log and then log into our logging blog. Big logs, small logs, average logs—we love them all. Even as I speak at this very moment, I’m thinking about logs and praying to God this press conference—which is at least about logs—wraps up soon so I can go back to my logs and be happy. Logs. Ah, logs. Fuck! Logs, man, no shit, I fucking tell you. Logs.” The logging industry solemnly added that Wright was crushed to death later that afternoon by a log, as per his dying wish.
Mother Proud She Raised Type Of Person No One Would Ever Believe Would Rape Someone #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Satisfied that she took great pains to ensure her son met every outward description of an upstanding citizen, mother Molly Fitzgerald told reporters Thursday she was proud to have raised the type of young man no one would ever believe capable of raping someone. “No one will ever worry about Tyler acting up at a frat party, harassing his coworkers, or misbehaving on a date because I’ve carefully raised him to meet society’s expectations of a man who simply doesn’t do those things,” said Fitzgerald, who always made sure her son affected a clean-cut appearance while pursuing a prestigious and lucrative career so that, furthermore, it would be assumed he would not ever need to coerce women into sex. “I always made sure he was polite and said ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ because I know how important it is for other people to think of him as a nice guy and that any girl who might speak out against him is just making things up. I know, I know, sometimes Tyler thought I was being too hard on him growing up, but someday, maybe the morning after an office party or giving the babysitter a ride home, he’ll look back and appreciate that I raised him to get away with doing absolutely anything he wants.” Fitzgerald also expressed pride that her son sought out the friendship and company of other men who had been raised to treat women with respect in any situation where there are witnesses.
Dasani Under Fire After Tanker Explosion Leads To Massive Water Spill Off Coast Of Mexico #~# ISLA DE CEDROS, MEXICO—In what is being called one of the wettest man-made disasters of the last 50 years, Dasani came under fire Thursday following a tanker explosion that led to a massive water spill off the coast of Mexico. “As a result of Dasani’s carelessness, much of the area’s marine life has been left completely soaked,” said local conservationist Tina Devantez, explaining that, while crews were already hard at work using gentle towels to hand-clean affected wildlife, there were still large numbers of local birds and amphibians along the coast that would likely remain drenched for days. “The amount of clean-tasting, filtered water cascading into the ocean is absolutely devastating, and it’s going to affect this habitat for decades. This is the worst spill since the offshore water drilling rig rupture in 1998—shame on Dasani for such a clear disregard for this delicate ecosystem.” At press time, Devantez predicted that the water would continue washing up on shore for months to come.
New Zealand Prime Minister’s Baby Becomes First To Attend U.N. General Assembly #~# New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern brought along her 3-month-old daughter, Neve, making her the youngest attendee ever to the United Nations General Assembly. What do you think?
Disheveled CDC Director Warns Of ‘Invisible Germs Crawling Everywhere’ From Inside Sealed Plastic Bubble #~# ATLANTA—Saying there was “no escape, no escape at all” from the deadly pathogens, disheveled Centers for Disease Control director Robert R. Redfield warned the nation Thursday from inside a sterilized plastic bubble that “invisible germs are crawling absolutely everywhere.”
Japan Lands First-Ever Robots On Asteroid #~# In a historic first, Japan’s space agency, JAXA, announced that it had successfully landed two robotic rovers on asteroid 162173 Ryugu to help them learn more about the minor planets through data and photographs. What do you think?
Trump Regrets Choosing Kavanaugh After Supreme Court Nominee Keeps Talking About How Much He Respects Women #~# WASHINGTON—Suddenly rethinking his selection amid an already tumultuous confirmation process, President Donald Trump told reporters Wednesday he regrets choosing Brett Kavanaugh after hearing the Supreme Court nominee talk extensively about the high regard in which he holds women. “Whoa, hang on—when I nominated him, I thought it was pretty clear where he stood with the opposite sex, but now he’s on TV going on and on about how all women are entitled to dignity and respect,” said the president, explaining that while he was on board with Kavanaugh’s decision to deny all accusations of sexual assault, he began to have second thoughts after hearing his nominee describe a lifelong record of promoting equality for women. “I’m thinking, Is this really the type of guy I want on the highest court in the land? I’d be fine if he were just going around talking about how much he values women who are beautiful, but he shouldn’t be saying all this other stuff. What if it affects the way he rules? I should probably just withdraw the nomination before people start questioning my judgment.” At press time, sources reported President Trump had placed a frantic phone call to U.S. circuit judge Amy Barrett, saying her views on women could definitely be trusted.
David Lynch Finally Releases Colorized Edition Of ‘Eraserhead’ #~# LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that the bright hues and striking tones would finally bring his vision to life, filmmaker David Lynch announced Wednesday that he had released a colorized edition of his seminal work, Eraserhead. “Sadly, when we shot Eraserhead, we did not have the technology to make this film the sensory overload of technicolor that it was always meant to be,” said Lynch, who lamented that his original storyboards for the film, which featured characters bathed in bright pinks and blinding yellows, had to be scrapped in favor of a grayscale color scheme “mired with dark shadows and grainy, distracting dark splotches.” “Would I have preferred to shoot the bleeding rotisserie chicken in a striking blood-red, like it was written? Or the sperm-shaped alien fetus in it’s glowing, rosey tones? Of course. Which is why today, Eraserhead, and my 1980 film The Elephant Man, will be filled in with over 4,000 shades of beautiful color.” Lynch also added that the new release would be re-cut to include a pivotal scene in which a doctor operates on Henry’s baby early on, allowing it to lead a normal life.
Man Finally Comfortable Enough Around Girlfriend To Cheat On Her #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Saying that he had reached a point in the relationship where he felt much more at ease, local man Greg Peterson, 32, told reporters Wednesday that he was finally comfortable enough around his girlfriend to cheat on her. “When we’d just started dating, I was always nervous about something going wrong, but recently we’ve gotten to this level where I feel totally at ease cheating on Megan,” said Peterson, claiming that it was a huge relief to have enough trust built up in their relationship that he could exploit it by repeatedly having one-night stands and random flings while on work trips. “Five years on, we’ve fallen into this great rhythm where she does her thing, I cheat on her, and everyone’s happy. Honestly, I feel kind of silly for ever worrying that this would be an issue.” Peterson added that he had always wanted to achieve this relaxed stage in a relationship, having seen it work so well with his parents.
Trump Speaks Out Against Globalism At U.N. General Assembly #~# In a speech before the United Nations General Assembly, President Trump condemned globalism, called into question the International Criminal Court, and vowed to address the U.S. trade deficit. What do you think?
Cash-Strapped Yellowstone Cuts Funding Of Program To Provide Hibernating Bears With Sleeping Caps #~# YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, WY—In a move that will disappoint campers who delight in seeing the park’s ursine residents in their whimsical matching pajama headgear, nightshirts, and slippers, officials from Yellowstone National Park announced Wednesday that recent budget cuts required eliminating the program that outfits the wilderness area’s hibernating bears with sleeping caps. “Due to unfortunate financial constraints, we will not be able to continue providing our drowsy bears with their iconic pom-pom-topped baby-blue nightcaps for their months-long sleep, nor will we be requisitioning more of those little bunk beds the cubs are tucked into,” said Department of the Interior spokesman Rodney Miller, explaining that the Park Service would also no longer supply finger-ring candle holders for the preserve’s grizzlies, brown bears, and black bears to find their way around with when their caves get dark. “We have managed to allocate a small percentage of the budget in the upcoming fiscal year to give heavy-eyed bears their traditional china teacups and saucers, but these animals will have to begin providing their own sleepy-time teas.” Miller, however, noted that the park was able to retain funding for the spectacles worn by Yellowstone’s owls.
Troy Aikman Warns Fans About Comparing Concussions Between Eras #~# LOS ANGELES—Noting that new rules and increased athleticism have transformed the NFL, former quarterback Troy Aikman warned fans Wednesday about comparing today’s concussions to the brain injuries from earlier NFL eras. “It’s just an entirely different game now. Sure, there are guys doing incredible harm to their brains today, but you can’t compare it to the debilitating damage players suffered in the 70s and 80s,” said Aikman, adding that there was no way to compare the strength of modern concussions until players’ brains degrade with neurodegenerative disease over the next few decades. “Some might say Terry Bradshaw had the greatest concussions of all time, but there’s really no way to compare them to the brain injuries of Peyton Manning or Ben Roethlisberger. Can you say Joe Namath would have had the same concussions if he were being hit by people like J.J. Watt? The NFL is looking at a whole different kind of head trauma now.” Aikman added that in another concussion era, he might have won eight Super Bowls with the Vikings instead of just six.
Kavanaugh Sobering Up After 35-Year Bender Shocked To Find Out He’s Supreme Court Nominee #~# WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly confused as he slowly adjusted to his surroundings, Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly shocked Wednesday to find out he’s a Supreme Court nominee after sobering up from a 35-year drunken bender. “Oh, Christ, what the hell happened last night? What am I doing here?” said the yet-unconfirmed nominee, fighting waves of nausea and massaging his throbbing temples as he attempted to piece together not only how he safely made it home after completely blacking out, but also the series of events that resulted in him graduating from Yale, embarking on a career in law, getting married, buying a house, and starting a family. “The last thing I remember was that I was about to nail that hot shooting guard from the women’s basketball team, and then everything gets kind of hazy. Holy shit, wait—I worked for the Bush administration? I didn’t even know there was a Bush presidency. And apparently Donald Trump is president now, whoever that is. I know I sometimes do crazy shit when I’m fucked up, but this is another level. Jesus—that’s the last time I do shots of Jager.” At press time, Kavanaugh was reportedly attempting to quickly sober up by eating a 17-year-old slice of pizza he had found on the floor of his bedroom. 
‘Boy Meets World’ Turns 25 #~# September 24 marks the 25th anniversary of the debut of Boy Meets World, the hit ABC show following the coming-of-age story of Cory Matthews. The Onion looks back at some memorable milestones from the show’s seven-season run.
‘The Investigation Ends Now,’ Growls Shadow Counsel Holding Mueller By Throat At Top Of Washington Monument #~# WASHINGTON—After brutally launching the head of the special counsel investigation into Russian election interference through every marble pillar of the Jefferson Memorial, the nefarious shadow special counsel held Robert Mueller by the throat at the top of the Washington monument Wednesday and hissed that “Your investigation ends now.” “You’ve followed your little trail long enough, you paltry, pathetic patriot,” said dark Mueller, his viselike grip tightening on the neck of the attorney and former FBI director as he inexorably forced the special counsel’s face down toward the monument’s razor-sharp electrum-plated pyramidal tip. “Your time is up! The president will be exonerated! Any final questions?” Eyewitnesses fleeing the scene reported having no idea as to how the conflict ended, as their view was obstructed when Mueller countered the shadow counsel’s onslaught by launching both himself and his foul doppelganger off the top of the monument, causing them to plummet the full 554 feet to the bottom of the reflecting pool, which emptied itself thunderously as all its water leapt skyward in the cataclysmic shock wave.
New NFL Safety Rule Encourages Players To Take Out More Aggression Off The Field #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that the regulation would help provide a safer game environment, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference Tuesday to announce a new rule that encourages professional football players to take out their aggression off the field. “Player safety is our chief priority, so rather than risking injury to a quarterback, we’d strongly prefer league members release all their anger at home or perhaps at a local bar,” said Goodell, insisting the new policy would result in fewer roughing-the-passer penalties and help the league deliver a more family-friendly product. “We’ve added an extra 20 pages to the rulebook that outline the many ways players can get the hostility out of their systems by attacking people off the field, and we hope they’ll step into the locker room Sunday absolutely free of stress.” At press time, sources confirmed three NFL players had been arrested on charges of domestic violence, causing Goodell to hail the new rule as an “unequivocal success.”
ISIS Attacks Drop In West #~# ISIS attacks in the West fell sharply in 2018 as law enforcement increasingly foiled such plots with better intelligence and increased preparation. What do you think?
Proposed Legislation Would Require Airline Seats Meet Federal Ass Standards #~# WASHINGTON—In response to numerous complaints from consumers with U.S.-regulation buttocks, congressional lawmakers proposed new legislation Tuesday that would require airline seats to meet federal ass standards. “The average ass, as mandated by the Federal Ass Standards Act, needs to have at least 34-35 inches of space, and right now the majority of airlines are in clear violation of ass-to-seat-size guidelines,” said Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL), noting that the bill would require the Federal Aviation Administration to enforce the ass standard and impose severe fines on any airline that doesn’t provide enough rump room for its customers. “Passengers shouldn’t be forced to cram their ample keisters into an uncomfortable 17-inch seat. This new law will ensure that every fanny, tochus, and badonkadonk within the scope of these guidelines gets appropriate cush for the tush.” Nelson added that the proposal would also allow airlines to require passengers to purchase an additional seat if the junk in their trunk exceeds the federal limit.
Kavanaugh Says It’s Super Embarrassing And Sad That Christine Blasey Ford Still In Love With Him #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the continued attention from his former flame was beginning to border on obsession, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh told reporters Tuesday it’s super embarrassing and sad that Christine Blasey Ford is still in love with him. “It’s just so awkward that she keeps holding a candle for me even though it’s been, like, 35 years now,” said Kavanaugh, explaining that while he and Ford may have shared a romantic moment as teenagers, it’s “kind of pathetic” that she continues to dwell on it. “In a way, I’m flattered, I really am, but at this point it’s starting to get a little creepy. I hear she’s even telling her therapist about me. Apparently, some people just never move on from high school. It’s like, come on, Christine­—it’s not going to happen, okay? Sorry.” Later, the visibly distressed nominee expressed his hope that there weren’t too many other loves from his past out there who have yet to get over him. 
Everyone At U.N. Watching Trump Speak Can’t Believe They Used To Consider U.S. A Superpower #~# NEW YORK—Shaking their heads in disbelief at their past views, everyone present at the United Nations summit watching President Donald Trump deliver a speech Tuesday reportedly couldn’t believe they used to consider the United States a superpower. “I mean, wow, we would base most of our decisions on what the U.S. was going to do—seriously, what the hell were we thinking?” said Prime Minister of Portugal António Costa, echoing the sentiments of dozens of other world leaders attending the General Assembly session who wondered how they had ever convinced themselves that they should care what America thinks. “We really used to see the U.S. as one of, if not the dominant force in the world, but that seems like forever ago. There are probably 20 or 30 countries whose plans I’d pay attention to before I even thought to consider how America would react. Seriously, imagine being concerned over how your diplomatic relations with Donald Trump are going—it feels totally beside the point, right? Although, jeez, if I’m being honest, maybe ever considering America to be a global superpower in the first place was misguided.” At press time, Trump casually threatening to unilaterally bomb multiple other countries with little justification reminded everyone at the U.N. that this was the reason everyone had to take America seriously.
Toddlers Debate Whether ‘Dora’s Explorer Girls’ Canon Or Expanded Universe #~# FOSTER CITY, CA—Engaged in heated discussion over the artistic license taken in the creation of the animated show, local toddlers Lucas Leora and Mimi Raymond fiercely debated Tuesday whether Dora’s Explorer Girls was canon or part of Dora The Explorer’s expanded universe. “Listen, I’ve watched all the episodes, and Kate, Emma, Naiya, and Alana never even appear in the original series, which leads me to believe that this is essentially just fan-fiction for some dumb little babies,” said Raymond, citing her large collection of Dora The Explorer activity books to argue that the characters would have to be living in an entirely different timeline for the story to make sense. “The existence of these characters completely destroys Backpack’s entire character arc. Did they just expect us to go along with this sudden three-year time jump? This is the exact same shit PBS pulled with Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. It’s just a shameless cash-grab.” At press time, the toddlers had reached an agreement that the upcoming live-action Dora The Explorer movie coming out next year was “probably gonna suck.”
Man Wondering If There Might Be Some Sort Of Website Featuring Footage Of Sexual Acts One May View For Purposes Of Self-Gratification #~# DAVENPORT, IA—Musing philosophically on the deeply pleasurable possibilities, local man and potential electronic voyeur Tanner Mitchell, 27, wondered Tuesday whether there existed some form of website featuring footage of live sexual acts that interested parties might view for the purposes of self-gratification. “It would be most pleasing indeed to view such a webpage, if one does in fact exist, as it would allow me to view two or perhaps more individuals caught in flagrante delicto by the unblinking eye of the lens while engaging in various carnal recreation,” said Mitchell, reasoning that the internet was a vast place catering to, among others, collectors of Pez dispensers, scribes dedicated exclusively to Golden Girls fan-fiction, automobile enthusiasts, and even more picayune and peculiar fancies, and thus there surely must be erotic outlets available to a man such as he. “Mayhap if one endeavors to Google the term ‘sex,’ some example or other may come up, a central pornographic clearinghouse, stockist, or shall I say ‘hub,’ if you will. Certainly, the world must hold other souls who, as I do, seek the fleshier pleasures.” After a remarkably brief and uncomplicated search did in fact reveal to him a website of the most frank and forthright sexual nature, Mitchell realized that it did not, in fact, delight him in the slightest.
LeBron James To Star In ‘Space Jam’ Sequel #~# LeBron James will star in a sequel to the 1996 sports comedy Space Jam, a live-action and animated film that featured Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes characters facing off on the courts against a team of nefarious aliens. What do you think?
Mom Announces Plans To Get Out Some Of Your Old Baby Stuff And Quietly Stare At It #~# PHOENIX—Murmuring to herself about how breathtakingly small you once were, your mother formally announced Tuesday her plans to get out some of your old baby stuff and quietly stare at it. “Sometimes, seemingly out of nowhere, I remember what a happy baby you were,” said your mom, confirming her intention to sit in your room, warmed somewhat by a ray of buttery light from the setting sun, sighing wistfully while gently caressing your old onesie with one papery, aging hand and gently shaking her head in disbelief at how quickly the time had passed. “Where did all those years go? One minute I’m nuzzling this tiny little warm creature, so small I have to hold its sweet-smelling head up, and the next you’re off God knows where in the world, all grown up. I’ll never get that time back.” At press time, your mother has reportedly been inquiring as to what she did wrong for that sweet little angel to turn out the way you did.
Chicago Considers Universal Income To Tackle Poverty #~# Chicago will form a task force to consider implementing a universal basic income program, which would make monthly payments to a number of Chicago families without any conditions. What do you think?
Catholic Church Releases New Molestation-Proof Altar Boy Uniform #~# VATICAN CITY—Claiming the vestments represent a vital step in ameliorating the church’s centuries-long history of addressing sexual abuse with subsequent cover-ups, the Catholic Church introduced a line of wrought iron molestation-proof altar boy uniforms Monday. “With these new impenetrable steel robes, Catholic altar boys can now serve the Lord and assist with Mass without the shame or fear of tempting otherwise pious clergymen,” a joint statement by senior Vatican officials read in part, explaining that the full-coverage metal loin-girdings are available to fit all sizes and ranges of youth’s suppleness and are guaranteed to spurn the fingers of any priest who attempts to violate its boundaries. “The ceremonial six-inch-thick wrought iron vestments also boast a built-in alarm system; if the wearer is touched anywhere below the navel, a loud recording warns the offender to stay back in both the local dialect and High Latin. It is greatly hoped that with the implementation of these suits, we can finally spread the word of God in peace without the constant inconvenience and expense of shuffling priests from parish to parish after they’ve succumbed to the not-inconsiderable temptations of the younger members of our church.” Vatican officials clarified that neither they nor the manufacturer were responsible for any priests who somehow figure out a way to get inside the suit with an altar boy.
Report: This Week’s All Fucking Hell Breaking Loose Projected To Be 30% More Insane Than Last Week’s Complete Shitshow #~# WASHINGTON—Revealing that the “you aren’t going to fucking believe this” metrics were currently measuring off the goddamn charts, experts at the Center for Advanced Bullshit Studies published a report Monday that this week’s all hell breaking loose was projected to be 30 percent more insane than last week’s complete shitshow. “All of our reports are projecting tomorrow’s Total Fucking Pandemonium Magnitude at three times more bonkers than what it was a few days ago,” said Director Adrienne Morehead, who confirmed that this week will be at least 60 percent more of a batshit fucking insane circus compared to last week’s batshit fucking insane circus. “We are currently looking at a seven-week high on the ‘Jesus Christ Not That’ and the ‘Fuck This Shit’ charts. People need to be prepared for at least a doubling of recent ‘Fucking Nightmare Levels,’ because if our measurements are correct, the ‘Everything’s Going To Shit’ ratio is a whopping 179 percent higher than it was this time last year.” At press time, sources confirmed, “Oh, fuck, here we fucking go.”
Experts Say Puerto Rico Still Extremely Vulnerable To Future U.S. Government #~# SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO—More than a year after the U.S. territory was left devastated in the wake of Hurricane Maria, experts say that the island of Puerto Rico, along with the 3.7 million U.S. citizens who live there, will remain extremely vulnerable to U.S. governments in the foreseeable future. “This is the worst government we’ve seen strike Puerto Rico in years, and recovery efforts have been hampered by the sheer force with which the system hit,” said San Juan-based disaster management specialist Gabriel Santos, who noted that the nearly 3,000 deaths attributed to damage from the Trump administration would almost certainly increase if the territory experiences another wave of catastrophic leadership. “Our island lacks the resources and funds to protect its people and infrastructure if it once again finds itself in the path of the U.S. government. One more blow from a federal government of this magnitude, and Puerto Rico may never recover.” Santos added that the turbulent changes in the nation’s volatile political climate suggest the island will only face bigger, more brutal governments in the future.
SpaceX Announces First Private Passenger To Fly To Moon #~# Elon Musk announced that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be the passenger for the first-ever private mission to the moon in 2023. Maezawa hopes to bring along up to eight artists with him to inspire creativity based on space voyages. What do you think? 
BREAKING: Wait—Sorry, False Alarm #~# WASHINGTON—In a shocking development revealed just moments ago, sources confirmed that—oh, wait, sorry, false alarm. Multiple reports confirmed that, despite late-breaking suggestions to the contrary, you can actually forget about this news item and return to whatever you were doing before seeing this. In fact, sources have now informed reporters that we kind of jumped the gun on publishing this article at all, let alone labeling it “breaking” news. Frankly, sources concluded, this was our bad for getting you all worked up over nothing. Although, hold on one second, because several reports are now suggesting that it might still be worth keeping an eye on this story to see if—no, hold on, on second thought, just forget we said anything.
Woman Shouts Down Hall For Boyfriend To Come Kill Giant Ax Murderer She Found In Bedroom #~# FARMINGTON, NM—Frantically beseeching her significant other to deal with the unpleasant intruder, Kathleen Fatica shouted down the hallway Monday for her boyfriend to come kill a humongous ax murderer she happened to stumble across in the bedroom. “Gary! Gary! Gary, come to the bedroom! Quick! There’s a creepy, gross, ax-wielding maniac in here!” said Fatica, who became upset after seeing the serial killer scurry towards the closet the instant she turned on the light. “Ew, is he looking at me? I think he’s looking at me, Gary…Bring a phone book or something to swat him! Oh, God, he’s so hairy!” At press time, Gary Simon, Fatica’s boyfriend, was treated for deep wounds and severe bleeding after he calmly collected the huge ax murderer and released him outside.
God Excited He Only Two Mortgage Payments Away From Owning Heaven #~# HEAVEN—Following decades of careful financial management, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, remarked on His excitement at realizing that only two mortgage payments stood between Him and outright ownership of Heaven. “After 6,000 years of paying off this loan, it’s crazy to think that I’m mere weeks away from calling the whole place Mine,” said the Divine Creator, noting what a relief it would be to see the 15th of the month approach without worrying about getting a payment in on time, and to not lie awake at night worrying that His bank might foreclose on Paradise and repossess His Heavenly Throne. “Now, obviously it sucks that Heaven’s market value is 10 or 15 percent below what it used to be, and that I ultimately paid twice its old value over the ages, but I’m just happy I can finally call it my own. Now I can concentrate on fixing up Purgatory—the Reformation wasn’t exactly good for my rental units there—and getting my son to finally move out.” At press time, God’s bank, JP Morgan Chase of North America, was touting the Lord Almighty’s success as an inspiration to non-white homeowners everywhere.
Zoologists Admit You Really Got To Hand It To Bats For Learning To Fly #~# NEW YORK—Noting their begrudging respect while singing praises of the winged mammals, zoologists nationwide admitted Monday that you’ve really got to hand it to bats for learning how to fly. “After extensive research, we’ve found that you have to give bats their due for figuring out how to soar through the air,” said researcher Dr. Lenora Welks, adding that when all is said and done, learning how to get off the ground and stay there was a heck of a tough nut to crack, and you really needed to give it up for the furry little guys. “Sure, you might argue that bats already have the advantage of wings. You might even say that bats aren’t much to look at. But no matter how you slice it, flying is nothing to sneeze at. Especially when most of the other bullshit mammals are just crawling around in the dirt.” The zoologists, however, acknowledged that you really couldn’t come down too hard on skipjack tuna for not figuring out a way to fly, all things considered.
Sean McDermott Wonders If He Still Needs To Act Angry Even If Everyone Already Knows Bills Going To Lose #~# BUFFALO, NY—Watching his team fail miserably while attempting to convert yet another third down and long, Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott wondered Sunday if he still needed to act angry even though everyone already knew the Bills were going to lose. “I mean, everybody saw this coming, should I even bother raising my voice or acting like I’m disappointed? Who would I be fooling?” said McDermott, noting that it would be pretty disingenuous to call out his players as if he or anyone else expected anything other than total incompetence on the field. “I guess I could make a whole show of yelling or throwing my headset and kicking something over, but everybody would see right through that charade. It would honestly be kind of embarrassing to even pretend I thought we had a chance at winning. People would think I’m a moron.” At press time, McDermott had issued a half-hearted “let’s go” to his offense followed by three apathetic claps.
Over 417,000 Hours Of Private Presidential Conversations Discovered After No One Remembered To Turn Off Richard Nixon’s Tape Recorder #~# WASHINGTON—Baffled as to how the potentially disastrous mistake could have gone unnoticed for so many years, White House sources confirmed Friday that roughly 417,225 hours of private presidential conversations were discovered immaculately preserved due to the fact that no one remembered to turn off Richard Nixon’s tape recorder. “Uh oh—it turns out that every single word that has been uttered in the Oval Office since the early 1970s has been perfectly recorded on this hidden device. This could be pretty bad,” said a Trump administration official who wished to remain anonymous, revealing that aides had stumbled upon the tapes earlier this week and, after discovering they contained thousands of clearly recorded conversations over the course of the Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obama, and Trump presidencies, had been unsure how to proceed in handling a find of such magnitude. “I’m not sure the American public could handle some of the information these tapes contain. There’s key information that could clarify the Iran–Contra scandal, countless conversations about the war in Iraq—there’s even a meeting where George W. Bush and Dick Cheney discuss 9/11 almost a month before it happened. This is going to have huge repercussions.” At press time, sources reported that the panicked aides had, in a botched attempt to delete the recording, accidentally begun to play on a loop the audio of a 1981 Oval Office meeting in which Vice President George H.W. Bush hires John Hinckley Jr. to assassinate president Ronald Reagan.
Polite High School Football Team Runs Around Banner That Took Hours To Make #~# GRANDVIEW, TX—Sprinting onto the field with a thundering roar of “Pardon us, please,” the scrupulously polite Grandview Knights high school football team ran around a hand-drawn break-away banner Friday rather than bursting through it, recognizing that it must have taken hours of hard work to make. “So much talent and creativity went into the lettering and the drawings—so naturally we just detoured around the lovely thing,” said quarterback Jackson Reyes, who meticulously avoided damaging the banner as he led 40 of his teammates in charging to the field for warm-ups, pausing in their competitive zeal only to compliment the “brilliant artists” of the pep squad on the poster’s “phenomenal composition and bold color scheme.” “The numbers of every player on the team are on this. Can you imagine if we tore it apart like so much confetti? Homecoming is around the corner, and they’ll have more than enough to do—I’d feel just awful if they had to make another gorgeous banner because we were reckless and ripped it.” In related news, the Knights politely declined to return to their locker room at halftime so as not to miss the pep band’s much-practiced rendition of “Seven Nation Army.”
Comey: Mueller May be In ‘Fourth Quarter’ Of Investigation #~# Former FBI director James Comey speculated this week that the special investigation of Russian interference in the 2016 election may be in its “fourth quarter,” citing the guilty pleas Robert Mueller obtained from high-ranking Trump associates. What do you think?
Trump Asks Why Kavanaugh Accuser Didn’t Just Immediately Request Hush Money #~# WASHINGTON—Questioning the actions taken by Christine Blasey Ford in the 1980s following the alleged sexual abuse by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh while they were in high school, President Donald Trump reportedly asked Friday why she didn’t just immediately request hush money. “If this thing actually happened, why didn’t she come forward 30 years ago with a demand for secret payments to keep quiet?” said Trump, adding that a decades-old allegation of sexual abuse that wasn’t instantly followed by her threatening to go public unless Kavanaugh and his family paid her off totally lacked credibility. “If the attack on Dr. Ford was as bad as she says, surely she has a copy of the demands she sent to Brett Kavanaugh or bank documents showing the transfer of a six-figure sum into her account during the ’80s that she could show us. It’s baffling—if he really did something illegal, why didn’t she just demand money for her role in covering up the crime? That’s what any normal person would do.” The president acknowledged that he could see how someone might have difficulty remembering the exact details of their involvement in a six-figure hush money payment made back in the 1980s.
Pros And Cons Of Amazon #~# Amazon has relied on its convenience and low prices to become the biggest online retailer on the planet, but the company has recently come under increased scrutiny for a variety of issues regarding its effect on competition and the ways it treats its workers. The Onion presents the pros and cons of Amazon.
Congress Wishes They Could Help Puerto Rico But It’s All The Way Over There #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they really want to help any way they can, members of Congress announced Friday that while they desperately wish they could lend aid and assistance to the U.S. territory of Puerto Rico while it struggles to recover from Hurricane Maria, the fact remains that the island is all the way over there. “It should go without saying that our hearts go out to the residents of Puerto Rico in this hour of need, and we want nothing more than to help its citizens, but they live way, way off in the sticks,” said Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI), stressing that Puerto Rico is not connected to the mainland by either bridges or tunnels, and when you look at a map you can plainly see it is all the way out in the Caribbean. “Let’s be clear—we all feel that it would be fantastic to provide these people post-disaster assistance, but have you ever been to that part of the world? It’s pretty much halfway around the globe. Any doctors, engineers, or infrastructure technicians we sent would be, like, ‘Ugh, how long does it take to go the whole way to Puerto Rico?’ after just a few hours, trust me.” Congress has also released a non-binding resolution officially declaring that by the time any U.S. aid reached Puerto Rican residents, they probably would have the hurricane damage all fixed anyway.
Applicant Who Actually Faced Punishment For Sexual Assault Clearly Not Yale Material #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Immediately dismissing the high school senior’s chances of acceptance after reviewing his record, Yale admissions officers reportedly decided Friday that an applicant who had actually faced punishment for committing sexual assault was clearly not Yale material. “We have a very high standard here at Yale, and it’s abundantly clear that any applicant who has received actual consequences for sexual misconduct is just not someone who will thrive here,” said Yale admissions officer Paul Shelton, adding that lowering the university’s standards to admit the applicant who had been suspended from school and had to perform mandatory community service for sexual abuse was unfair to other applicants who had committed sexual assault and evaded all punishment. “What we look for in an applicant is evidence that he’s able to successfully intimidate his victim into silence, convince everyone that his victim is lying, or use his connections and family influence to get the whole episode swept under the rug. This is an elite school whose distinguished alums include President Bill Clinton, President George H.W. Bush, and Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, and we cannot in good conscience accept an applicant such as this young man who perpetrates sexual abuse and is unable to weasel his way out of any and all repercussions.” Admissions officers added that while the university is highly selective, they were committed to ensuring that any student who had successfully avoided punishment for sexual assault in high school would receive every opportunity to do the same during his time at Yale.
College Freshman Has Friend From Home Visiting Way Too Soon #~# GALESBURG, IL—Baffled by the unusual pace of their classmate’s social involvement, residents at a Knox College dormitory observed Friday that fellow student Andrew Witte had a friend from home visiting way too soon. “Well, okay. We’ve only been here a couple weeks, and Drew already has a high school buddy crashing in his dorm room. That’s just weird,” said floormate Ryan Bellows, noting that Witte’s friend lived nowhere even remotely close to their school and would have had to endure a six-hour drive from Minneapolis just so he and Witte could sit in the common room and watch YouTube on a laptop. “Andrew’s barely even done unpacking. He still carries a map of campus around with him, so I don’t know how he’s even trying to show his friend around. I overheard them comparing the sizes of their dorm rooms, so his friend just started college, too, but then why isn’t he there right now? Even if they’re dating, it’s too soon for a visit.” Dormitory sources further confirmed that Witte also began receiving care packages from his family after a mere week away from home.
Sony Launching Retro PlayStation Classic In December #~# In the wake of the success of retro consoles like NES Classic, Sony will produce a miniature version of the original PlayStation for $99.99, which comes pre-loaded with 20 games, including Final Fantasy VII and Tekken 3. What do you think?
Man Who Just Beat Computer Solitaire Never Asked For Overwhelming Sensory Assault Of Victory Animation #~# UNION, KY—His eyes rolling back as the blinding light emanating from the display filled the room, local man Reeves Halko, his ragged voice barely audible over the deafening sound of cards shuffling faster and faster, confirmed Friday that he never asked for the overwhelming sensory assault of its victory animation. “Jesus...I just wanted to play a nice game of cards...what’s happening to me?” said Halko, who had thick, dark streams of blood flowing from his nose and ears as the software’s rapidly blinking “You did it!” popup caused him to retch between pained pleas of, “Christ, make it stop; please, for the love of God, make it stop,” that were then instantly drowned out by ear-splitting explosions as a dazzling array of multi-colored fireworks suddenly burst across his monitor. “I’m clicking and clicking, why is nothing happening? Goddammit, how do I get out of this? Why did I ever add that nine of spades to the first column! Why, oh, why! Oh, God, I think I’m gonna throw up.” At press time, Halko was finally at peace after succumbing to internal hemorrhaging.
GOP Officials Urge Calmer, More Reasonable Death Threats Toward Kavanaugh Accuser #~# WASHINGTON—Urging a return to civility amid a contentious confirmation fight, GOP officials called Thursday for calmer, more reasonable death threats to be made toward Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s accuser. “We understand there’s a lot of controversy around this, but she still deserves to have people threaten to kill her in a polite way,” said Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA), who added that cooler heads must prevail, especially when dealing with a situation as delicate as taunting the accuser by vowing to broadcast her family’s home address. “It’s important for us to maintain a sense of decorum. Now, that doesn’t mean we have to stop sending graphic emails—it just means we should tone down the rhetoric about mutilating her corpse. You should always take the high road and leave her children out of this. Remember, there’s really no need to use misogynistic slurs such as ‘bitch’ when ‘lying whore’ will suffice.” At press time, Grassley reiterated that a “true conservative” would terrorize her in a way that would “make our founding fathers proud.”
Report: Make It Stop #~# EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far and they would do almost anything for even a few glorious minutes of respite. “We’re on our hands and knees, pleading with you to make it all go away once and for all. What’s it going to take? Jesus Christ, just stop it! Stop it right now!” At press time, sources confirmed that they knew deep down it was never going to stop.
‘Sesame Street’ Writer Backtracks On Claim That Bert And Ernie Gay #~# Former Sesame Street writer Mark Saltzman has backtracked on his comments that he wrote Bert and Ernie as a gay couple, stressing that he merely meant to say that his own experience as a gay man informed his writing while on the show. What do you think?
Report: 80% Of Women Currently Wearing Wrong Size Bra, Shirt, Shoes, Pants, Hat #~# STANFORD, CA—Apparel and textile researchers at Stanford University reported Thursday that, after 18 months of comparing garment and accessory sizes to the wearer’s actual measurements, 80 percent of American women are currently wearing the wrong size bras, shirts, shoes, pants, and hats. “Once we took accurate body measurements and cross-referenced them with items of clothing instead of, say, allowing women to hold garments up against themselves while looking in the mirror, we discovered that four out of five have it completely wrong,” said lead researcher Gloria Denton concerning the report, which also found that the 20 percent of women who managed to find a pair of decent-fitting shoes or a hat that didn’t drop over their eyes were still wearing pants or tops that were either too tight, too loose, the wrong length, or simply draped poorly over their bodies. “In extreme cases, we discovered women shopping online will repeatedly use the wrong sock, belt, glove, and even ring size to purchase clothing. Moreover, collected data demonstrate that a full 100 percent of all women were wearing bras with incorrect measurements in every aspect of band width, strap length, and cup size, although we concluded you can’t really blame them for that. It’s almost worse than buying decent jeans—I mean, jeans? Fuck me.” The report linked findings to a variety of factors, notably “vanity sizes” and brand disparities among clothing manufacturers, but maintained that the root cause of the issue was in there being absolutely no reference for accuracy as no woman on record has ever worn a complete ensemble that all fit.
Kevin Hart Just Going To Assume He’s In ‘Space Jam 2’ Unless He Hears Otherwise #~# LOS ANGELES—Following the confirmation of the Ryan Coogler–produced, LeBron James–starring sequel to the popular 1996 film, actor Kevin Hart reportedly announced Thursday that he was just going to assume he’s in Space Jam 2 unless he hears otherwise. “If they’re making the Space Jam sequel I think they’ll be making, there’s just no way I won’t be in it,” said Hart, adding that he had already blocked out June and July 2019 on his calendar to film the movie and was just waiting to hear from his agent to confirm. “You have to imagine there will be a couple jokes about the fact that LeBron and the other basketball players are tall and I’m short. That will be good for some laughs. I’m guessing that one of the cartoons will dunk over me, and I assume I’ll say something like ‘Damn, that alien got moves.’ Until they tell me different, I’m just figuring I’ll get down on my knees and comically beg the Looney Tunes to go easy on me before I get blown up with cartoon dynamite.” Hart added that if he wasn’t going to actually appear in the film, he assumed he would probably be performing the voice of a large, imposing-looking Monstar who was actually a fast-talking wimp.
4th Grader Panics Upon Realizing Classmate Giving Presentation Had Exact Same Summer As He Did #~# ALBANY, NY—Shaken to his core by the realization that he had independently shared every significant detail of his fellow classmate’s vacation, fourth-grader Bryan Gardener was sent into a profound panic Thursday as it dawned on him that student Jimmy Perez, who gave his presentation immediately before Gardener, evidently experienced the exact same summer he had. “There’s no way I can go after this,” said Gardener, 10, sinking deeper into his chair with every description of Perez’s fun time at the beach, adventures with friends, and seeing the new Avengers film on two separate occasions. “Jimmy had a great time, too? I thought I did, but now it’s totally going to seem like I’m copying him. My report even starts with ‘What I Did Last Summer,’ just like his. How was I supposed to know?” Bethany Cookmane, Gardener’s teacher, was unavailable for comment, having succumbed to depression brought on by the realization that she’d had the same summer as Perez.
Al Roker Strongly Considers Retiring From Creating The Weather #~# NEW YORK—Reflecting on the eventual conclusion of his storied, decades-spanning career, Al Roker told reporters Thursday that he has strongly considered retiring from creating the weather. “I’ve had a good run, but I’m starting to get to an age where I’d like to just relax and spend some time with my family instead of devoting every day to controlling the weather with my mind,” said the longtime Today anchor, explaining that while he was proud of the work he had done as the singular source of every blizzard, thunderstorm, tornado, and light breeze that has affected the United States over the past 20 years, he has begun to think about calling it quits to devote his golden years to traveling and other leisure activities. “It feels like just yesterday when I trotted out there for the first time, rubbed my temples with my fingers, and caused golf-ball-sized hail to pelt Boston. These days, it gets kind of exhausting to adjust the position of the sun in the sky or summon a hurricane with intense concentration. I’ve been incredibly fortunate to generate the temperature and precipitation activity for so long, but sometimes, it’s just time to pass the job on to the next generation.” Roker also reminisced about the two weeks in 2002 when the United States was completely devoid of any weather due to his brief absence from the post while undergoing gastric bypass surgery.
Sweetheart, The Day You Were Conceived Was The Best Day Of My Life #~# I didn’t know what to expect on that day 15 years ago when I began my journey into motherhood. I had no idea how intense I would feel in those moments that culminated in you becoming a part of our lives forever. It was an occasion full of highs and lows, to be sure, but I’ll tell you one thing, kiddo: I wouldn’t trade my memories of it for anything, because the day you were conceived was the best day of my life.
New Beatles Box Set Features 172 Unreleased Songs About Wanting To Hold Hands #~# LONDON—Featuring never-before-heard tracks such as “Why Don’t You Grab My Hand,” “While My Palm Gently Sweats,” and “Hands, Hands, Hands,” EMI Records announced Thursday the release of a new Beatles box set with 172 unreleased songs about wanting to hold hands. “These 16 discs offer dedicated fans a chance to finally experience Help’s ‘Glove In Glove,’ Abbey Road’s ‘My Baby’s Knuckles,’ A Hard Day’s Night’s ‘Clasp It Tight (My Hand),’ and so many of John, Paul, Ringo, and George’s other odes to hand-holding that were previously lost to time,” said spokesperson Peter Totten of the package, which includes bonus features such as the band’s fraught in-studio arguments about John Lennon’s experimental soundscape “Revolution 10,” archival footage of the 90-piece orchestra performing the swelling anthem “The Grasp,” and photos of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi’s hand-holding meditation that inspired Paul McCartney’s “Mother Nature’s Grip.” “From the German tunes written during their 1964 Hamburg residency like ‘Ich Liebe Deine Fingers’ to later gems like Let It Be’s ‘Entwined With My Honey Pie,’ these recordings make up a massive trove of music about the band’s affinity for clutching your partner’s hand that, until now, have been left on the cutting room floor.” According to sources, EMI decided to leave “Peace Under The Sea (If We’re Hand In Tentacle)” and numerous other Ringo Starr songs off the box set.
Brad Pitt’s Foundation Sued For Building Shoddy Homes After Katrina #~# New Orleans homeowners are suing Brad Pitt’s charity for negligence due to its construction of crumbling and defective homes to help rebuild after Hurricane Katrina. What do you think?
GOP Officials: Kavanaugh Shouldn’t Be Held Accountable For Something He Did As White Teenager #~# WASHINGTON—Vehemently defending the Supreme Court nominee against recent allegations of sexual assault, GOP officials declared Wednesday that Brett Kavanaugh shouldn’t be held accountable for something he did as a white teenager. “We’re talking about something that occurred when Mr. Kavanaugh was a mere 17-year-old Caucasian,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), adding that it was ridiculous to allow a single incident that happened when Kavanaugh was in an elite and mostly white high school ruin the career of such an accomplished white person. “I expect most of my colleagues here in the Senate remember what it’s like to be a young white man and make mistakes. The important thing is that we learn from those mistakes and grow up to be responsible white adults. It’s shameful that my Democratic colleagues feel the need to sully Judge Kavanaugh’s reputation when they, too, surely understand that boys of European descent will be boys of European descent.” McConnell went on to state that the assault would hardly even be noteworthy had the victim not been a 15-year-old white girl.
Supposedly Educated Professor Has No Idea How To Get Bird Out Of Lecture Hall #~# KALAMAZOO, MI—Failing to complete the simple task despite his ostensibly robust academic background, onlooking students at Kalamazoo College reported Wednesday that their supposedly educated literature professor Gene Cabella demonstrated no clue as to how to rid their lecture hall of a bird that had flown in through an open window. “He was talking a pretty big game about his intensive syllabus, then the bird came in and he completely panicked. Guess you didn’t get your PhD in birds, huh, Professor?” said sophomore Ken Pei, chuckling to himself as he sat back and watched his so-called academic superior frantically wave a manilla folder in the general direction of the bird, jump backwards when it flapped its wings in his direction, then spend the next few minutes attempting to ignore the creature’s loud chirps as if the entire class hadn’t just watched him desperately try to scare it away. “You’re the one in charge here, bucko. Sorry they didn’t teach you this at Yale—do they not have birds there? Well, guess what, you’re at Kalamazoo now, fucker, so you’re gonna have to learn to deal.” At press time, Professor Cabella’s credibility had reportedly taken an “absolute nosedive” after he paused the lecture once more to place a panicky, stuttering phone call to the campus maintenance department asking for assistance. 
FEMA Dispatches Crews To Do Whatever They Need To Do To Look Busy #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Citing the urgent need for such measures given the devastation wrought by Hurricane Florence, the Federal Emergency Management Agency dispatched crews to affected areas Wednesday with instructions to do everything necessary to appear busy. “Try hitting stuff with a hammer, throwing a few cardboard boxes into a river, or whatever—just make it look like you’re doing something,” FEMA representative Travis Quinn said in a recent directive to agency workers, adding that their top priority was to act as though they were getting the job done, whether that meant randomly throwing sandbags around, swinging axes into the sides of buildings, or hosing down all the cars. “Grab a megaphone and shout something—anything—into it. You could even just do a few laps around a flooded neighborhood in a motorboat as long as you keep a sort of worried expression on your face, the way you would if you were doing something important like searching for a missing person. If you’re really desperate, have one of your fellow crew members jump into the floodwaters so you can pretend to pull them out. Whatever it takes.” At press time, reports confirmed Quinn had followed up with a new directive saying no one appeared to be watching, so the crews were free to call it day and return home.
Senate Passes Bipartisan Opioid Legislation #~# In a rare moment of bipartisanship, the Senate passed an $8.4 billion package intended to combat the opioid epidemic in a 99-1 vote, although critics say it is not enough to address the depth of the problem. What do you think?
The Worst Hurricanes In U.S. History #~# Hurricane Florence hit the Carolinas last week, leaving many residents stranded or displaced by rising floodwaters and becoming the latest major hurricane to devastate the U.S. in recent years. The Onion looks back at the worst hurricanes in United States history.
Ink-Splattered Trump Boys Counter Media Bias By Hand-Printing Own Newspaper In White House Basement #~# WASHINGTON—While using brightly colored magic markers to write articles in a makeshift bullpen deep beneath the White House, an ink-splattered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. said Wednesday they had made it their mission to fight bias in the mainstream media by hand-printing their own newspaper.
Shocking Biblical Study Reveals Methushael Did Not Beget Lamech #~# WHEATON, IL—In a development that has thrown 6,000 years of peer-reviewed genealogy into disarray, scriptural researchers from Wheaton College released the results of a biblical study Wednesday that they say offers definitive proof that Methushael, son of Mehujael, did not in fact beget Lamech. “This discovery will forever change the way we look at the line of Cain,” said lead research theologian Steven Baer, adding that although there was still sound evidence of Cain begetting Enoch, Enoch begetting Irad, Irad begetting Mehujael, and Mehujael begetting Methushael, his team was unable to find a reliable primary source for Lamech’s begetting by Methushael. “This is truly fascinating, because if Lamech was never begat, then who was the begetter of Adah’s two sons Jabal and Jubal, the latter being famously the first harp player ever begot? There is also the possibility that Lamech of the line of Cain and Lamech of the line of Seth are one and the same, which would mean that Lamech was begot of—you guessed it—Methuselah!” Baer conceded, however, that this proposed chronology would only align if Methuselah lived to be 600, rather than the generally accepted span of 969 years.
Local Man Unsure If Woman Type Of Lesbian Who Only Dates Women #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—After learning that the object of his desire was interested in other females, local man Dave Callan told reporters Wednesday that he had puzzled over whether she’s the type of lesbian who only dates other women or the kind that dates men, too. “Amy’s a lesbian—I know—but we really vibed the other night, so maybe she’s one of those lesbians who’s also kind of into dudes,” said Callan, adding that, since lesbianism existed on a spectrum, there’s a good chance that she’s attracted to at least some guys. “It really felt like we were about to kiss at the bar and then she told me she’s a lesbian, but there are so many different kinds of lesbianism. So does that mean no? It honestly doesn’t matter to me whether she’s a lesbian or not, I just want to know if I have a shot.” At press time, a rejected Callan was wondering whether Amy was the type who’s always a lesbian or the type that’s just trying it out.
Paul McCartney Releases 18th Solo Album #~# Sixty years after he began performing, Paul McCartney has put out his 18th solo album, a song cycle entitled Egypt Station. What do you think?
Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask  #~# DALLAS—In an effort to make himself more appealing to voters, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to connect with the audience at a candidate forum Tuesday by wearing the bloody, skinned face of a far more handsome man as a mask. “People are really responding to this new, dapper Ted Cruz,” said campaign manager Jeff Roe, noting that recent internal polls show that since Cruz adopted the new look, voters are twice as likely to describe the expressionless, gore-covered incumbent as “trustworthy,” “affable,” or “charming.” “That rough-cut mask of rotting skin is doing wonders for the senator on the campaign trail. He’s honestly never looked better, and the voters are really beginning to take notice. Even with the stench of decomposition, most people we talk to remark upon how Sen. Cruz doesn’t make them feel as nauseous as he used to. He’s looking a lot healthier, too.” Roe later confirmed that while Cruz’s current mask was rapidly decaying, the candidate had a freezer filled with enough handsome and blood-encrusted masks of human skin to last him through the campaign’s final stretch.
Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina #~# SKOKIE, IL—Wistfully imagining a future she hopes is not too far away, area woman Margaret Bridgemeyer told reporters Tuesday she yearns for the day when the first female president of the United States will have a tell-all book written about her that contains explicit descriptions of her repulsive vagina. “I have to believe in my heart that one day, there will be a woman in the Oval Office and that someone will publish a salacious account of how she has a nasty, thick bush or a really droopy labia,” said Bridgemeyer, adding that she wishes when she was young, she could have looked up to a woman who not only served her nation as commander in chief, but also had bombshell secrets about her genitals revealed to an American public eager to read about and discuss the subject. “I mean, just imagine if there were a woman in the most powerful position in the world—making key policy decisions, calling all the shots—and we were able to learn all the horrible details about her abnormally shaped clitoris, or maybe the weird consistency of her vaginal discharge. I know it may not happen in my lifetime, but just thinking about how my children or grandchildren might get to live in a country like that brings a tear to my eye.” Bridgemeyer went on to state that perhaps one day, there will even be a female president whose frequent extramarital affairs are common knowledge among her Evangelical Christian base.
White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor #~# WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of earlier immigration policy, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that his administration was increasing the number of asylum seekers allowed to enter the United States’ spike-filled refugee compactor. “We feel strongly that 15 million people fleeing abuses in their own countries can be accommodated by our great nation’s fiery, spike-covered compactor,” said Trump, noting that this number represented the highest cap on asylum seekers since the hydraulically powered displaced-person-reducer was first created in 1980. “We are proud to welcome those without a home into our state-of-the-art refugee pulverizer where they will be greeted by rows and rows of razor-sharp spears lacerating their flesh as the walls slowly close in around them before ultimately being reduced to ashes by 450-degree flames. Every refugee, no matter their circumstances, deserves the chance to be admitted into this harrowing gauntlet of torture and death.” Trump added that emigrants from countries impacted by the travel ban would still be forced to return to their respective home countries’ citizen crushers.
Marc Benioff Buys ‘Time’ Magazine For $190 Million #~# Salesforce founder Marc Benioff purchased Time magazine for $190 million, continuing the trend of tech titans buying major media companies. What do you think?
Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run #~# PITTSBURGH—Breaking down while discussing the horrible condition behind his absence, an emotional Le’Veon Bell revealed to reporters Tuesday that his ongoing holdout was a result of forgetting how to run. “People are attacking me, saying this is about greed or ego, but the truth is I’ve completely blanked on how to move forward rapidly,” said a tearful Bell, who claimed he first discovered the problem during a private workout when, after a handoff, he found himself paralyzed by fear and confusion, unable to advance the ball down the field even without defenders blocking him. “I want to be out there competing with my teammates, but every time I try to run, I end up tripping, walking backwards, or just spinning in circles. Trying to overcome this and learn how to move my feet in quick succession again has been the most painful struggle of my career.” Bell added that he was committed to the team and was working with forward-movement specialists to return as quickly as possible.
Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush #~# JOHTO—Cruelly tantalized by the dream of life in the green and plentiful land just beyond his reach, video game character Ethan spent countless processor cycles Tuesday staring impotently at the forbidden realm stretching out beyond the line of impassable waist-high bushes at his feet. “All my powers, all my abilities, yet I’m halted in my tracks by a hedge half my size,” said the crestfallen hero, who is almost certain he can discern the edge of a rare egg at the limit of his vision, just three rows beyond the bush in question. “I’ve tried everything in my arsenal from the running double jump to that teleportation spell I bought from the cloaked wandering merchant, but it just seems futile. I never thought I would face an obstacle to match the chest-high wooden fence around the corner from my hometown.” A despondent and enraged Ethan was later arrested for trespassing in nearby strangers’ houses in a desperate search for a town map.
Scientists Close To Developing Life-Saving Vaccine That They Can Rub In Faces Of Their Doubters #~# INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could potentially silence even their fiercest critics, scientists at Indiana University’s School of Medicine announced Tuesday that they had almost developed a life-saving vaccine that they could rub in the faces of all their doubters. “This injection, once it is approved, will have long-lasting ramifications for all of our haters within the medical community who apparently thought they were better than us,” said lead researcher Professor Danielle Padilla, adding that it should only be a few more months until their scumbag PhD rivals, as well as “those cocky bastards at Yale” get their sorry asses handed to them. “In fact, preliminary tests have already shown that they’d better buckle up, because there’s about to be a new big dog in the viral research community. As doctors, scientists, and sometimes patients ourselves, we can’t wait until this product finally reaches the market so we can wipe the floor with those jealous losers for once and for all.” At press time, researchers had quickly retracted all published mentions of the vaccine after FDA testing revealed it had a slew of life-threatening side effects.
Fraternity Brothers Make Note Not To Kill Pledge Whose Family Has Lake House  #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Carefully establishing a reminder lest they lose themselves in a moment of exuberance, fraternity brothers at the University of Virgina’s Sigma Chi chapter made a note Tuesday not to kill a member of their new pledge class during the intense hazing process, as his family happens to own a commodious and secluded lake house. “We have to make sure to go a bit easy on Phillip since his family has that boss lodge in Alexandria,” said fraternity brother Jeffrey Robinson, advising his brothers that the freshman should only perform half the butt-chugging required of standard candidates so that his safety is not put at unusual risk, thereby ensuring their chances at spending time at his family’s lakeside chateau with its attendant pontoon boat and all-season outdoor Jacuzzi. “I heard they have Jet Skis and, like, a big-ass movie theater room, so we should only make him drink 12 beers or so. And if he falls out of a fourth-story window, we have to call an ambulance right away. I know, I know, everyone wants to see him crawling on the ground and choking on his own vomit, but just this once we can wait until after spring break so he can invite us to chill at his parents’ sick holiday home.” At press time, the fraternity brothers found themselves terrified at the possibility that their chances of an awesome vacation were ruined when the 18-year-old pledge became unresponsive after being beaten in the chest and abdomen with an orange-filled sock.
London Mayor Calls For Second Brexit Referendum #~# London Mayor Sadiq Khan has called for a second public vote on Brexit because of the government’s failure to strike a deal with Brussels, saying that people “didn’t vote to leave the EU to make themselves poorer.” What do you think? 
FEMA Airdrops Emergency Cyanide Pills For Residents Stranded By Hurricane Florence #~# WILMINGTON, NC—In an effort to provide aid to those affected by the devastating weather event, FEMA representatives confirmed Monday the completion of their mission to airdrop emergency cyanide pills for residents stranded by Hurricane Florence. “We’ve spared no expense in making sure the residents of these areas are getting the best help available. If you’re trapped in an area threatened by rising floodwaters, rest assured that your cyanide pills will be arriving as quickly as possible,” said FEMA representative Roy Pelton, explaining that the decision to drop crates full of the lethal poison came after several less successful trial runs of delivering pallets loaded with nooses, razor blades, and guns containing single bullets. “These fast-acting 300-milligram pills have been thoroughly tested for their effectiveness at putting a swift end to all the pain and suffering associated with natural disasters, and we’re doing everything we can to make sure they’re being distributed to all the areas where they’re needed most. We are proud to confirm they can be used by the entire family, including pets.” Pelton admitted the agency learned to deliver the pills in a more timely manner after they arrived too late to mercy-kill the thousands of Puerto Ricans who had already died in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria.
Marine Biologists Reveal That Majority Of World’s Oceans Remain Boring As Shit #~# HONOLULU—Offering new insights into the vast expanses of water that make up nearly three quarters of the planet’s surface, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute announced Monday that the majority of the world’s oceans remain boring as shit. “Even after centuries of human exploration and study, more than 80 percent of this enormous underwater realm continues to be a complete and utter snooze,” said lead researcher Jon Akiyama, explaining that the seafloor in particular was full of a bunch of bullshit like sand and rocks that you could see pretty much anywhere. “If you’ve ever spent even a couple minutes looking out at the water, you get the idea: it’s dark, it’s wet, and it’s mostly empty except for some lame fucking fish and crustaceans that don’t even do anything cool. Unless you’re some weirdo who gets excited by the idea of kelp, you can basically just skip the whole damn thing.” Akiyama acknowledged that the world’s oceans could become significantly more interesting as new technologies allowed scientists to discover additional weird, freaky squids and kickass sharks. 
Steve Bannon Calls #MeToo Most Powerful Political Movement In World #~# Speaking at The Economist’s Global Forum, Steve Bannon said he thinks Time’s Up is “the single most powerful potential political movement in the world” and believes it has even greater potential in the corporate sphere. What do you think?
White House Raises Official Hurricane Florence Death Toll To -17 #~# WASHINGTON—Proclaiming that the government’s rescue efforts have brought several U.S. citizens into the world, the White House announced Monday that the official Hurricane Florence death toll had been raised to -17. “Thanks to President Trump’s incredible hurricane response team, the population of North and South Carolina is actually skyrocketing, with over a dozen people being born, spontaneously generating, or being resurrected,” said White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, adding that despite 90-mph winds and 7-foot flood zones, FEMA and the National Guard had found several newborns, clones, and reincarnated individuals nearly every hour on the hour. “Not only have zero American citizens died during this record-breaking storm, but over the past few days alone, workers have also located a number of missing people, including many Puerto Ricans who were declared missing or dead during Hurricane Maria. As the storm continues to move up the coast, we can only pray that many, many more Americans are created in the wreckage.” At press time, Sanders emphasized that President Obama had never once bothered to spontaneously generate life during his presidency, let alone during a Category 1 hurricane.
Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court #~# WASHINGTON—Following Christine Blasey Ford’s accusation that he sexually assaulted her at a high school party, sources close to Brett M. Kavanaugh told reporters Monday that the nominee was “sweating bullets” due to betting his entire life savings on his confirmation to the Supreme Court. “Oh, shit, it was a sure thing. I was so confident I cashed in my 401(k), borrowed $65,000 on top of my mortgage, and shoved my daughters’ college funds in the pot. I can’t have it go south now,” said Kavanaugh while texting his bookie on his burner phone, insisting that the Senate vote would go exactly to plan and that caving in his kneecaps wouldn’t be necessary. “If I don’t get a few more days to make sure these Republican senators don’t flip, Vito’s going to feed me to the pigs. That guy does not fuck around.” Kavanaugh’s office would not confirm reports that he had been seen haphazardly throwing all his belongings into a briefcase after Dr. Blasey Ford volunteered to testify before Congress.
Senate Republicans Seek To Delay Kavanaugh Vote Until Accuser Properly Smeared #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of the release of a letter implicating the Supreme Court nominee in a sexual assault, Senate Republicans told reporters Monday that they would seek to delay a vote on Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation until his accuser, Christine Blasey Ford, was properly smeared. “Given the significance of this vote and the accusations at hand, it’s of the utmost importance that we give ourselves the time to carefully drag Miss Ford’s name through the mud and make her regret ever coming forth with these accounts,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), stressing that he would urge his colleagues to push back any vote on the nomination until the Senate Judiciary Committee had taken every opportunity to tear apart Ford’s character on a national stage, question her mental stability, and repeatedly trivialize her experience of sexual trauma. “We can’t in good conscience confirm Judge Kavanaugh—to the highest court in the land, mind you—without making a serious attempt to find evidence from the accuser’s life suggesting she’s nothing more than a serial liar and attention seeker. If not just to slander her name, than at least to invalidate the experiences of every sexual assault victim in the country.” McConnell stressed that he understood the need for swiftness in the matter, as the Senate would absolutely confirm Kavanaugh regardless of any findings.
Koch Brothers Furious Kavanaugh Never Disclosed That Nation Might Care About Sexual Abuse #~# WICHITA, KS—Expressing their displeasure that the Supreme Court nominee had failed to warn them about a factor that could harm his candidacy, the Koch brothers were reportedly furious Monday that Brett Kavanaugh never disclosed that the nation might care about sexual abuse. “When we agreed to spend millions of dollars toward his confirmation, we never believed Kavanaugh would’ve withheld important information from us like the fact that being a sexual predator could someday have consequences,” said an angry Charles Koch, adding that his advocacy group, Americans for Prosperity, would not have committed money to supporting Kavanaugh if he had come clean about the recent shift in America’s societal conscience that held some men credibly accused of sexual misconduct accountable for their actions. “Look, we’ve been building up Kavanaugh’s resume and qualifications for decades, and not once did he make any sort of suggestion that committing a nonconsensual sexual act on another person could be a problem in the United States. We would have never put him on our shortlist for the nation’s highest court if we knew the American people would ever pay attention to this or that it could have any adverse effect.” The Koch brothers added that they were already putting a more strenuous vetting process into place, stating that they were now asking candidates if the nation would ever care about racism.
Cash-Strapped Zuckerberg Forced To Sell 11 Million Facebook Users #~# MENLO PARK, CA—In what industry observers are calling an unprecedented liquidation of soft assets, a cash-strapped Mark Zuckerberg announced Monday that, following a precipitous drop in the value of the social media site’s stock, he had no choice but to to sell off 11 million Facebook users. “It’s a shame it had to end this way, because these users really mean a lot to me,” Zuckerberg said of the men, women, and children ages 13 and up who were auctioned off to a Dallas-based private equity group in a desperate attempt to shore up his company’s shaky finances. “Some of these people have been with us from the start, but times being what they are, we needed to improve our cash position after recent market activity. It was a difficult decision, and I want to assure our remaining users that there is zero chance of another sale, unless for some reason our stock falls off the table like that again.” The Federal Trade Commission is expected to approve the sale by Friday morning, after which thousands of Facebook relocation vans will begin to arrive outside users’ homes.
Luke, Owen Wilson Recall Meeting On Set Of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’ #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling themselves “practically family” now, Luke and Owen Wilson fondly recalled Monday the first time they met while on the set of Wes Anderson’s 2001 film The Royal Tenenbaums. “I’d always heard about how great Luke was from Wes [Anderson], but it wasn’t until we were finally introduced that I knew he was someone I’d really hit it off with,” said Owen Wilson, admitting he was initially nervous about the intimate scene his character Eli shares with Luke’s Richie, but explained that his nerves settled after getting to know his co-star over the course of the shoot. “We’d obviously admired each other’s work from afar, but once we got to talking, we found out we actually had a ton in common and have pretty similar sensibilities. And now even our kids are friends. God, we’re so close that I’d maybe even have him stand up in my wedding.” Wilson added that the two are now almost as close as collaborator Roman Coppola is with his friends Sofia Coppola and Francis Ford Coppola, whom he met on the set of The Godfather Part II.
White Castle Now Selling Veggie Burger Sliders Nationwide #~# Fast food chain White Castle will sell a new slider made entirely from the plant-based Impossible Burger for $1.99. What do you think?
Area Man Fantasized About For One And Only Time In His Life #~# KILLEEN, TX—In a singular and anomalous break in his lifelong absence from the wandering thoughts of humanity at large, systems analyst Steven Laposata, 34, was momentarily fantasized about for a period of roughly 15 seconds late Monday. Daydream sources confirmed that Laposata’s coworker and remote acquaintance Alexandra Katos idly and momentarily entertained the idea of personal intimacy with Laposata, experiencing a brief and disjointed flurry of thoughts that will forever serve as the sole incidence in Laposata’s eventual 82 years of life during which anyone has or shall consider him as an object of desire. Moreover, the 15-second period, of which Laposata is and will always be utterly unaware, quickly faded into a sequence of ruminations during which Katos thought of a series of much more romantically and erotically appealing individuals. At press time, Laposata was currently serving as an object of disgust for another three to five people and a cipher-like figure of indifference to dozens more.
Manafort Reaches Plea Deal With Special Counsel #~# Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort reached an agreement with the special counsel’s office to head off further prosecution in exchange for cooperation. What do you think?
Scientists Announce They’ve Completed Mapping The Human G-Spot #~# PASADENA, CA—In a development hailed by leading sexual behaviorists as a “giant leap forward” in the field of erotomolecular biology, imaging scientists at the California Institute of Technology announced Friday they have completed the decades-long project of mapping the human G-spot. “Today, we have finally catalogued, categorized, and compiled the location and dimensions of the human G-spot—the first step in harnessing its awesome and hitherto untapped power,” said lead researcher Winston Andrews, adding that the results of the project would soon be made available online so that all of humanity might gaze with wonder upon the elegant framework underlying their own erogenous zones. “Some might say we are playing God, and that some mysteries were never meant to be uncovered. However, we believe that the Human G-Spot Project will help demonstrate our shared humanity. It doesn’t matter if you’re brown or white, man or woman—our G-spots are all 99.9 percent alike. We even share 96 percent of our G-spots with chimpanzees.” Andrews expressed his eternal gratitude to the thousands of scientists worldwide who had volunteered their time and bodies to ensure the project’s success. 
Woman’s Children Officially Old Enough To Pony Up For Good Birthday Gift This Year #~# PHILADELPHIA—Emphasizing that “a lousy homemade coupon for free hugs dashed off at the last minute won’t cut it any longer,” mother of three Andrea Wolner told reporters Friday that her children were now officially old enough to pony up for a meaningful birthday gift. “Andrew, Gabe, and Jessica  have jobs at this point, so a candle or a clay pot with tempera paint still drying on it is not going to fly,” Wolner informed her 16- and 18-year-old sons and 20-year-old daughter, who she fully expects to “lay out some actual cash” and not just promise to clean out the garage, prepare dinner, or do dishes for a week, responsibilities already within their regular purview. “A gift certificate works, but I’m not getting my goddamn nails done. Make it something I can put towards a spa day at that place I like on Rittenhouse Square or, so help me God, I’m going to lose it. And none of this pathetic ‘what-do-you-want-for-your-birthday-Mom’ crap. You live with me. Figure it the hell out.” As of press time, Wolner has yet to acknowledge receiving a handpicked assortment of local flowers and a vase obviously made in a high school ceramics class.
The Onion’s 2018 Emmy Predictions #~# The 70th Primetime Emmy Awards, hosted by Michael Che and Colin Jost, will honor a combination of good and bad things that were on television from the past year. Here are The Onion’s predictions for this year’s winners.
High School Drama Teacher Already Has Pretty Good Idea Who He’ll Pick For Fall Girlfriend #~# DUBUQUE, IA—Noting his decades of teaching experience and keen eye for talent, East Dubuque High School drama teacher David Vargo already has a pretty good idea who he’ll pick to be this fall’s girlfriend. “There were so many strong contenders this year, so it took me a while to narrow it down, but at the end of the day, Chloe [Quindlen] was just a head and shoulders above the rest,” said Vargo of the East Dubuque High School sophomore who first came to his attention as a chorus member in last winter’s production of Parade. “After Tina graduated last spring, I wasn’t really sure who was going to fill her shoes. It was extremely competitive, and you want to give every girl a good look and a fair shot, but I really think Chloe will come into her own in this role. Trust me, I’ll give her all the help she wants to blossom and grow.” Vargo emphasized that the role of his fall girlfriend was a prestigious one among East Dubuque’s female students, coming as it does with a near-guaranteed part in his spring fling as well as a chance to audition as his summer fuckbuddy.
Second Fatwa Issued On Salman Rushdie For Derivative, Uninspired 13th Novel #~# TEHRAN, IRAN—Expressing consternation and disgust at the Man Booker Prize winner’s latest offering, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei issued a second fatwa against Salman Rushdie Friday for publishing a derivative and uninspired 13th novel, The Golden House. “This book is not only an affront to Allah, but also to any reader of contemporary literary fiction who will undoubtedly see right through Rushdie’s paper-thin characterizations and droll narrative structure,” said the Supreme Leader of Iran, condemning Rushdie for retreading the same trite motifs and themes found in Midnight’s Children. “I strongly urge Muslims and non-Muslims alike to find Rushdie’s whereabouts and hold this hack accountable for this absolutely tepid, shallow writing.” At press time, Khamenei had lifted the initial fatwa issued against Rushdie following the publication of The Satanic Verses after returning to the novel “with a fresh pair of eyes.” 
Mike Pence Struggling To Reckon With Vision Of Prophet Muhammad Revealing That VP Destined To Become Next President #~# WASHINGTON—Deeply troubled by the communication received from a divine messenger, Mike Pence was reportedly struggling Friday to reckon with a recent vision of the Prophet Muhammad revealing that the vice president was destined to become the next president of the United States. “He told me that I was the chosen one and I’m the one true president, but also it was the wrong guy speaking on God’s behalf. I’m not a huge supporter of Islam, but on the other hand, I really liked what Muhammad was saying. Hmm, this is a toughie,” said the vice president, attempting to weigh his desire for political power against his strict commitment to Evangelical Christianity, which were seemingly unable to coexist in the vision of the future brought forth by the sacred prophet and founder of Islam. “Maybe it was just Jesus disguised as the prophet Muhammad and he was trying to test my faith. But then, does that mean it’s not my fate to be president? I guess I could convert to Islam for a few days just to claim my destiny and then convert right back to Christianity. I mean, Islam and Christianity are actually kind of similar when you think about it, right?” At press time, Pence had decided to split the difference between the two religions and converted to Judaism.
Frat Brothers Draw All Over Pledge Who Passed Away At Party #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Calling the ordeal both “hilarious” and “classic Trevor,” representatives from Florida State’s Sigma Chi fraternity confirmed Friday that its brothers had drawn all over a pledge who passed away at a party. “Dude, Trev totally deserved to get fucked with because he passed away, like, super early last night,” said Sigma Chi rush chair Andy Martin, adding that the deceased freshman, Trevor McPike, 18, was being a “major pussy” and could not have drunk more than one bottle of Southern Comfort before succumbing to alcohol poisoning. “Seriously, he just kicked the fucking bucket like a total chump. That’s when we grabbed the Sharpies and went to town. Those are permanent markers, too, so there’s no way the coroner is going to be able to get it off. Oh, man, he’s gonna have a big ol’ dong on his head for the funeral. That shit’s epic!” At press time, Martin announced that the fraternity would honor McPike at a memorial service next week that also promised to be a “five-alarm rager.”
Pope Summons World’s Bishops For Meeting On Sexual Abuse #~# Pope Francis brought the world’s bishops to the Vatican this week to discuss protecting children from sexual abuse by clergy. What do you think?
The Case For And Against Confirming Brett Kavanaugh #~# Brett Kavanaugh, President Trump’s nominee for the Supreme Court seat vacated by Anthony Kennedy, generated a firestorm of controversy from the moment his nomination was announced and throughout his Senate Judiciary Committee hearings last week. The Onion presents the case for and against confirming Kavanaugh for the Supreme Court.
New Smithsonian Exhibit Details How Fashion Pioneers Tamed The Frumpy West #~# WASHINGTON—In celebration of the massive contributions made by America’s unsung couture heroes, the Smithsonian Institution’s National Museum Of American History opened a new exhibition Thursday chronicling the struggles of prêt-à-pioneers as they tamed the frumpy West. “These early fashionistas were true trailblazers, bravely striking westward clad in deceptively simple deconstructed calico bonnets and rugged but flattering raw suede vests,” said Smithsonian Exhibits Deputy Director Frances Datta, who noted the style sacrifices made by those who left the tailored, often lavishly accessorized homes they knew to venture into the utterly tacky western expanses. “This is the largest fall collection of frontier fashion artifacts anywhere in the United States, a true testament to the ingenuity and taste of the settlers in the face of almost certain drabness. They were among the first to warn gunslingers, shopkeeps, schoolmarms, and cowboys of the dangers posed by shapeless dresses, unflattering shirts, over-suspended trousers, and the all-too-overdone cowboy hats.” Datta also described how the fashion pioneers first rejected, then emulated, and eventually wiped out the gaudy turquoise-forward color palette of the West’s indigenous cultures.
Trump Redirected Nearly $10 Million In FEMA Funds Toward ICE #~# Newly revealed documents show the Trump administration took nearly $10 million away from FEMA and other agencies to pay for immigration detention centers. What do you think?
FEMA Officials Panic After Accidentally Evacuating 1 Million Residents In Direction Of Hurricane #~# GREENVILLE, NC—As the massive, potentially life-threatening storm began to make landfall in the Carolinas Thursday morning, officials from the Federal Emergency Management Agency were reportedly panicking after realizing they accidentally evacuated 1 million residents in the direction of Hurricane Florence. “Oh God, oh God, oh God—we sent them all straight into the hurricane’s path,” said a terror-stricken FEMA administrator Brock Long, who assured reporters that FEMA rescue workers were collaborating with state officials to rectify their error of urging 1 million residents across multiple states to leave their homes, drive or take buses to the shore, board boats, and travel directly into the oncoming storm. “We probably should’ve realized what we were doing when we called on residents to immediately leave their homes with their bathing suits on and make their way to the nearest beach. Things have been pretty frantic and confusing, but that’s not really any excuse for us piling people into dinghies with lightning rods attached or just shoving residents in inner tubes off the Outer Banks into the wallowing sea. Man, we really screwed this one up.” At press time, panic was mounting at FEMA after officials realized they had just accidentally redirected the 1 million people fleeing Hurricane Florence to head for safety at the bottom of the ocean.
Freeloading Refugee Children Taking Up Thousands Of Prison Cells Meant For Real Americans #~# MESA, AZ—Disgusted by the gross misuse of resources, concerned citizen and self-described patriot Andrew Beardsley voiced his anger Thursday concerning the thousands of refugee children currently occupying prison cells that could be used to incarcerate real Americans. “It makes me sick to think of these freeloading kids coming here by the thousands, living in 10-by-10 cells on the taxpayer’s dime while honest-to-God American citizens could be suffering behind those bars,” said Beardsley, adding that he sees no reason why the 3-to-13-year-old detainees could not simply go through the proper immigration process and be mistreated as American prisoners. “I don’t want my tax dollars paying for some Mexican kid who comes here and takes three square feet of American jail cell—three square feet that could be used to house a young U.S. citizen from the inner city. There are children born here on American soil who deserve to be locked up, but they are being denied that experience because these refugees are taking their place. Hell, they’re not even being forced to work under inhumane conditions while they’re there.” Beardsley also rejected as “liberal bullcrap” the idea that South and Central American refugee children were merely doing the prison time that American children don’t want to do.
Pope Francis On Vatican Abuse Scandal: ‘Just Tell Me Whose Feet To Wash’ #~# VATICAN CITY—In response to criticism of his handling of the Catholic Church’s ongoing child sex abuse scandal, Pope Francis instructed reporters Thursday to just tell him whose feet he needs to wash. “Look, just let me know whose feet I need to wash so we can fix this,” said His Holiness, gesturing toward a bucket and towel while assuring everyone he would cleanse as many sins as it takes to make the revelations about parishes protecting pedophile priests go away. “I’ll wash the kids’ feet, the abusers’ feet, the prosecutors’ feet, whoever; just give me some names so we can get this over with. I have soap and everything and I’m willing to travel wherever, so let’s get this rolling so I can scrub-a-dub-dub.” At press time, Pope Francis began wandering around washing the feet of everyone he came in contact with just to be safe.
Woman Starting To Worry She Just Has Type Of Face Where Makeup Looks Insane #~# HOLDEN, MO—Having attempted numerous variations of color combinations and application techniques over the last two decades with only poor results to show for the effort, local woman Jessica Greenwald told reporters Thursday that she’s starting to worry that she just has the type of face where makeup looks completely insane. “The second I put on eyeshadow or lipstick, I look like someone who just escaped from a mental institution,” said 32-year-old Greenwald, noting that whatever she tries—a natural look or even a subtle cat-eye—the makeup in combination with her physical attributes instantly transforms her appearance into that of a deranged, nightmarish mutant. “I look completely normal without makeup, but as soon as I try something as simple as a sultry, smokey eye—Bam! I’m an unhinged, sleep-deprived, Jack-Nicholson-from-The-Shining-looking lunatic. Maybe it has something to do with my bone structure or my skin type that turns me into a creepy serial killer every time I try to contour or fill in my eyebrows, I don’t know.” Greenwald added that her makeup problem was exacerbated when she tries to do something nice with her hair and only ends up looking like a psychotic clown or a batshit crazy comic book villain.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# BAKERSFIELD, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed six individuals, including himself, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Wyoming resident Kathleen Parker, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
The Onion’s 2018 Fall Movie Preview #~# Awards season is here, with a variety of biopics, prestige dramas, and politically charged movies vying to join the long list of wildly overrated Oscar winners. The Onion presents a guide to the most anticipated films of fall 2018.
Pony Anxiously Waiting For Attendant To Flag Large Child As Too Big For Ride #~# MONROE, WA—His eyes rolling in his head and his mane tossing as he contemplated the approach of the hulking figure in line at his paddock, Camp Hamilton resident Shetland pony Murph experienced an equine anxiety attack Thursday while waiting for his trainer to flag an unusually large child as being too big for a ride. “Oh, God, please no—this big boy is gonna break me in half,” said 4-year pony-ride veteran Murph, stamping and straining at his tether as he watched the alleged fifth-grader struggle to wedge his bulbous head into Camp Hamilton’s largest helmet, an adult XL. “What the hell are my handlers thinking? I mean, this kid is an absolute unit. Maybe he just wants to pet me? You put this chunka-chunk on a regular horse, he’d fuck him up into an upper-case V. Wait—is he eating a sub? A meatball sub? Jesus Christ, I’m going to die.” At press time, Camp Hamilton officials reported they are currently no closer to finding Murph, who broke free of his lead and galloped to the treeline upon witnessing the massive camper’s older brother elbowing to the front of the line.
Apple Releases Three New iPhones #~# Apple released three new iPhones at their Wednesday keynote, including a supersized 6.5-inch phone, while doing away with the home button entirely. What do you think?
Apple Fans Disappointed After Company Unveils Same Overpriced CEO That Barely Fucking Works #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Expressing fear that the Silicon Valley giant may be running out of ideas, the nation’s Apple fans expressed disappointment Wednesday after the company once again unveiled the exact same overpriced CEO that barely fucking works. “I’ve come to expect a certain degree of innovation from Apple, but now they just trot out the same damn CEO every year, one that doesn’t do anything new or different,” said computer technician Adam Beverly, echoing the sentiment of millions of Apple devotees nationwide, who lamented that the chief executive has “really slowed down” over time and “looks more dated than ever.” “They want me to consider this an upgrade when hardly anything has changed. He has all the same specifications as the 2012 model—same height, weight, and build—but somehow he costs more than ever before. It’s frustrating to watch, ’cause I remember when they used to have the most cutting-edge CEO.” Industry experts observed that Apple may have difficult times ahead if the company doesn’t manage to come up with an innovative new CEO by next year.
More Than 1 Million Ordered To Evacuate Due To Hurricane Florence #~# Over a million residents of the Carolinas and Virginia have been ordered to evacuate in anticipation of Hurricane Florence. What do you think?
Apple Announces New Trade-In Offer For Customers To Exchange Their Old iPhones For Absolutely Nothing #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Saying the new policy was part of the company’s unwavering commitment to consumer relations, Apple announced Wednesday an unprecedented offer that will allow its customers to trade in their old iPhones and, in return, receive absolutely nothing. “If you’re a member of the Apple community with an older iPhone that no longer meets your needs, I’m pleased to inform you we will now throw that phone away for you,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook, explaining that customers need only bring their unwanted iPhones, iPads, and MacBooks to a participating Apple Store location to complete the exchange, and no proof of purchase will be necessary. “We’re committed to keeping our customers up-to-date with the latest products, so we want to make it easy for you to dispose of your old iPhone 6 or 7 and receive $0 credit toward the purchase of a new Apple product—even if you were on a contract. We’ll even take your fully functional, brand-new devices and throw them into a dumpster right then and there, no questions asked.” Cook went on to clarify that all trade-ins will be subject to a $50 disposal fee.
Man Going To Restroom Deputizes Friend To Order Him Another Beer #~# HYANNIS, MA—Officially transferring authority for the duration of his planned absence, area man Will Lewis deputized his friend to order him another beer while he went to the restroom, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Hey, grab me another drink if the bartender comes back around,” said Lewis during a brief ceremony in which he pointed to his near-empty pint glass and formally vested in his buddy Drew Arbery the powers needed to both select another brew for him and place it upon his tab. “I could go for a wheat beer or maybe a pilsner. Really, anything’s fine, as long as it’s not too hoppy. Thanks, man!” At press time, Arbery had reportedly been dishonorably discharged from his position for having neglected his duty by ordering an 11-percent-alcohol triple IPA.
Dermatologist Recommends Not Caring So Much What Other People Think #~# TUCSON, AZ—While discussing the long-sought secrets of luminous, blemish-free skin, dermatologist Dr. Risa Helene strongly recommended Wednesday that patients commit to a routine of not caring so much what other people think. “The best treatment out there—far healthier than vitamin-rich creams or clinically tested serums—is simply a sustained attitude of self-worth,” said Helene, adding that moisturizing was completely unnecessary if you just put yourself out there and let people see the real you. “Take it from me, most skincare issues, from enlarged pores and blackheads to rosacea and eczema, are caused by worrying too much about the opinions of those who shouldn’t even matter. A positive outlook and some confidence is really all you need for glowing skin. I used to recommend that patients remove any perfumes or scented lotions from their routine to eliminate rashes and dermal irritations, but you know what’s really irritating? Judgy people. As a doctor, all I can really tell you is that you’re beautiful when you just believe in yourself and don’t let negative talk bring you down.” Helene added that sunscreen was superfluous if you take time to look in the mirror twice daily and tell yourself you’re beautiful.
Sweatshop Worker Doesn’t Even Want To Know Working Conditions Of Place Her Company Gets Fabric  #~# DHAKA, BANGLADESH—Attempting to shake her thoughts regarding the horrific possibilities of the textile manufacturing industry, sweatshop worker Shanta Banek told reporters Wednesday that she doesn’t even want to know the working conditions of the facility where her company sources the fabric for their garments. “I often say to myself that factories can’t get worse than the hot, dark, poorly wired firetrap where I spend 16 hours every day, but that textile mill has to be worse, right? This incredibly cheap fabric just shows up and we don’t even consider where it came from, but now that I think about it—yikes,” said Banek of the 300 yards of cotton fabric piled near her sewing machine, a bolt of which she estimated could not cost more than 50 cents including shipping costs. “We get paid around 80 taka [U.S. 95 cents] a day to make shirts that will sell for $30 at the Gap, so the wages at the textile mill must be...my God, I can’t even imagine. That’s it—I’m applying for one of those sweet jobs at the aluminum foundry.” At press time, Banek had spiraled into a deep depression after briefly considering the potential conditions of the cotton growers who supplied the raw fibers to the textile mill.
Couple Nervous To Admit They Met Online In Comments Section Of ‘How To Iron Shirt’ Video #~# CLEVELAND, OH—Fearing their friends and family members might not understand or accept the unconventional origin of their relationship, Margot Bradley and Josh Ezdon confessed their apprehension over divulging that they had met online in the comments section of a YouTube video titled “Ironing Your Shirts - STEP BY STEP.” “My parents are a bit old-fashioned, so this would be difficult to tell them, even though more and more people are finding love in online comments sections every day,” said Bradley, explaining that she and Ezdon had been brought together following a brief exchange of comments praising the clarity and efficacy of the video’s ironing technique. “As easy as the internet has made it for like-minded people to meet in interest-specific online communities, it’s become much more difficult to explain the exact circumstances of those meetings. I mean, one of my best friends met her husband in the comments section of “Bruce Springsteen - Jungleland (LYRICS),” and that type of granular instant connection just doesn’t happen in real life.” Bradley also reluctantly admitted that she and Ezdon had still not met up in person.
Study: Nuclear Power Necessary To Cut Climate Emissions #~# An MIT study found that a vast increase in nuclear power generating capacities will be needed to make the steep carbon emissions cuts necessary to stave off global warming. What do you think?
FEMA Frantically Prepares Apology For Screwing Up Hurricane Florence Response #~# WASHINGTON—Working around the clock to prepare for the Category 4 storm heading toward the Carolina coast, officials at the Federal Emergency Management Agency confirmed Tuesday they were frantically writing the apologies they will issue for screwing up their response to Hurricane Florence. “This is going to be big, so we need all hands on deck to determine what is absolutely going to go wrong in our half-hearted attempts to alleviate the damage from this devastating natural disaster,” said administrator William Brock Long, explaining that FEMA’s current strategy included crafting the language of dozens of necessary apologies to be circulated over the course of the coming weeks and shoring up its supply of requests for civilian patience in the face of government inaction. “It’s crucial that we get an accurate read on all the things we’re going to have to apologize for, so we have research crews hard at work trying to find information about what exactly we’re going to fuck up, how badly we’re going to fuck it up, and how long it will take before improvement of any kind actually happens. We have one apology ready to go for when we fuck up shelters, one for when we fuck up drinking-water supplies, and so on. We’ve messed this up in the past, and we want to ensure that we have a contrite expression of regret about our incompetence.” Long went on to state that crews were still hard at work coming up with an adequate apology for the agency’s pathetic attempts to assist Puerto Rico in the wake of Hurricane Maria.
Russell Wilson Asks Seahawks To Modify Play Where He’s Immediately Tackled By Six Players #~# SEATTLE—Expressing some reservations about allowing the defense instant, unfettered access to the backfield, Russell Wilson asked the Seahawks Tuesday to modify a read-pass-option play where he’s immediately tackled by six players after receiving the snap. “I’m happy to run whatever the coaching staff draws up, but I think we can adjust this play a little so I can take more than three steps without getting pounded into the turf,” said Wilson, explaining to his coaches that perhaps one of the Seahawks’ offensive lineman could attempt to stand in the way of the oncoming pass rushers. “There is a lot to like about this play, but we could try working in some play-action or a quick slant pass before the pocket dissolves and I’m hit from three different angles. At the very least, we should only call the plays where I get sacked before I can start my progression reads a few times per game.” At press time Pete Carroll had heeded his quarterback’s advice and drawn up a new play where Wilson scrambles left and right multiple times and then throws the ball out of bounds.
Matthew Berry Admits He Just Drafts Fantasy Players Whose Names He Recognizes #~# BRISTOL, CT—Offering a rare behind-the-scenes glimpse into his decision-making process, ESPN fantasy football expert Matthew Berry admitted Tuesday that he just drafts fantasy players whose names he recognizes. “When putting together my perfect fantasy lineup, it can be hard to keep track of so many players I don’t know, so I usually just go with the people whose names sound kind of familiar because that means they are probably pretty good,” said Berry, adding that if he recognizes someone’s name that means they are most likely a Pro Bowler or really popular, because he wouldn’t really know which players are bad. “I’m a big Redskins fan, so I’ll often just draft players I like from that team. Sometimes, looking for people I know does backfire. Last year, I wanted to draft Peyton Manning because people said that name a lot when talking about football, but then on draft day I found out he was retired.” Berry added that if fantasy football players didn’t recognize most of the names, there was usually a points projection on each website that was pretty helpful.
Survey Finds Majority Of Autonomous Car Crashes In California Caused By Human Error #~# A recent survey of crashes by autonomous cars in California found that the vast majority were caused by human—rather than machine—error, suggesting a failure on the part of these cars to accommodate the failings of actual drivers. What do you think?
Trump Unfairly Claims Credit For Rise In Economic Inequality That Occurred Under Obama’s Watch #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the president was minimizing the contributions of his predecessor while making hyperbolic claims about his administration’s own input, experts reportedly criticized President Trump Tuesday for unfairly claiming credit for the rise in economic inequality that occurred under President Obama’s watch. “While Trump is right that economic inequality is increasing under him, he cannot ignore the Obama administration’s significant contributions to the current wealth gap,” said Brookings Institution senior analyst Gregory Chen, adding that any overview of rising economic inequality must also consider other factors deserving credit, such as banks, technology companies, and other corporations that routinely broke laws and engaged in predatory practices, over which any president has little control. “President Trump needs to face the fact that he is simply not solely responsible for the further enrichment of corporate executives and for making millions of Americans’ lives more financially precarious—President Obama made great strides in those areas over his eight years as president. Credit where credit is due. However, if Trump’s massive tax reforms continue transferring money to the ultra-wealthy, we could certainly see a time in the future where Trump’s contributions to economic inequality override Obama’s legacy and truly help American households in the top 1 percent.” At press time, critics also slammed Trump for taking credit for many of the part-time jobs with no benefits and zero job security added to the U.S. economy for which Obama is actually responsible.
Middle School Janitor Can Already Tell He Going To Have To Befriend New Kid #~# PORTLAND, OR—Reluctantly acknowledging that he would soon need to go out of his way to strike up conversations with the seventh-grader, Stoller Middle School janitor Charles DeWalt had already deduced Tuesday that he was going to have to befriend transfer student Jackson Clancy. “This is the third day in a row he’s sitting all alone at the lunch table, so you just know I’ll eventually be forced to forge a friendship with him,” said DeWalt of the 12-year-old outcast who has been spotted reading in a bathroom stall and hanging out on the school grounds by himself after dismissal. “I could really use a semester to myself, especially with what I had to go through to get [previous sad sack] Mitch Lawrence to graduate. Why can’t the lunch lady take a turn befriending the big nerds?” At press time, DeWalt approached the student, leaned on his mop, and said, “You’re looking pretty glum, son.” 
Trump Boys Leave $5 Bill, Candy Bar Under Propped-Up Laundry Basket In Effort To Catch Op-Ed Writer #~# WASHINGTON—Promising that the author would spend “100 kajillion years in jail,” Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. told reporters Tuesday that they had left a $5 bill and a Snickers bar under a propped-up laundry basket in order to trap the anonymous writer of the New York Times op-ed piece. “Everyone is super mad about this secret bad guy in the White House, but we put a whole candy bar and a bunch of real money in there, and we’re gonna catch the crook,” said Donald Trump Jr., who, along with his younger brother, was crouched behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office to monitor their trap and pull the rope once the “buttless [sic]” opinion-piece writer climbed under the plastic tub to grab the candy. “I’ve got a Super Soaker and Eric has a broom so we can arrest him once he gets stuck. We also dug a pretty deep hole in the backyard and covered it with a blanket and some pieces of grass on top. It has our Iron Man action figure and some Skittles and some of Dad’s Pop Secret [sic] work stuff on it to trick him to walk over and then fall down and never, ever get out unless we say so. Then, we’ll bring him to the police and prove you don’t mess with the Trumps.” At press time, Eric Trump was reportedly bawling after getting trapped under the laundry basket while trying to grab the Snickers bar.
Comments Mysteriously Disabled On YouTube Video Of Sparrow In Yard #~# GREENVILLE, NC—Struggling to understand what about the video with 104 views necessitated the drastic measure, sources confirmed Tuesday that the ability to leave comments had been mysteriously disabled on a 32-second YouTube clip called “Watch Sparrow in my backyard.” “Jesus Christ, why did RokrDad67 think people would react negatively to a bird landing on his patio chair, chirping for a second, and then flying away?” said viewer Jason Roland of the seemingly innocuous cell phone footage with very little audio save for a behind-camera voice briefly saying, “Hey, little guy.” “His only other video is of his kid’s piano recital, but maybe he was being careful because of a beef with another user? Oh, Jesus, looks like there’s one ‘dislike.’ Why would someone do that?” At press time, Roland opened the video’s “about” section to discover the even more baffling description warning, “Trolls will be reported.”
Report: That’s Expensive, Please Put That Down #~# NEW YORK—A team of suspicious experts watching you thoughtlessly handling something they intuitively know you are not interested in buying released a report Tuesday confirming that’s expensive, please put it down. The report stressed that what you are so carelessly tossing back and forth from hand to hand is not for touching, sir, and that you should put it right back where you got it from before it breaks and you have to pay for it. Experts added that you need to stop what you’re doing right now, emphasizing that what you’re holding is very valuable, extremely fragile, and—Goddammit, now look what you’ve done! The report concluded—hey! Where do you think you’re going? You need to come back here and pay for that this instant.
U.S. Jobless Claims Fall To 49-Year Low #~# The number of Americans filing for unemployment aid fell to near a 49-year low last week, setting the stage for the Fed to raise interest rates later this month. What do you think?
CBS To Retain Les Moonves’ Services In Smaller Sexual-Predator-At-Large Role #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to mentor their next generation of corporate talent, CBS representatives announced Monday that the company would be retaining the services of former CEO Les Moonves in a smaller sexual-predator-at-large role. “We want to provide Les with a certain amount of freedom so he can just harass on his own schedule,” said CBS board member Charles K. Gifford, adding that now more than ever, the company needed someone with Moonves’ tenacity and expertise to help destroy women’s careers and mold young, hungry perverts into C-suite-level predators. “Les has so much institutional knowledge about creating a hostile work environment, but we imagine he’ll be doing most of his bullying and coercion over the phone. However, if he’s more comfortable doing it in person, we can just send a few female employees over to his home office. He’ll technically be a freelance predator, so we’ll be paying him on a case-by-case basis. Though I think Les would agree that this isn’t about the money—he truly loves doing this stuff.” At press time, Gifford reiterated that CBS would continue to take all allegations of sexual harassment very seriously.
Myrtle Beach Resident Refuses To Evacuate From Family’s Ancestral Ron Jon Surf Shop #~# MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Standing firm in his commitment to the historic property amid mounting apprehension over the approach of Category 4 Hurricane Florence, Myrtle Beach resident Dennis Brock told reporters Monday he refused to evacuate from his family’s ancestral Ron Jon Surf Shop. “I don’t care what the government tries to tell me. This place is in my blood, and I’m not leaving no matter what,” said Brock of the beach apparel and souvenir shop where he and two of his cousins are currently employed as cashiers, where his uncle once worked as an assistant manager, and where his father once helped vice presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro pick out a pair of sunglasses. “I’m not some coward who’s just going to flee and abandon everything my family has worked so hard for. These flip-flop bottle opener keychains, these waterproof wallets, these boogie boards—they’re a part of who I am, and I’ll never abandon them. If I have to die, let me die in the place that I love, surrounded by collectable shot glasses and fridge magnets, wearing the Bob Marley T-shirt and board shorts of my people.” Brock reportedly prepared for the storm by stuffing several foam beer koozies and tie-dyed beach towels in the cracks beneath the store’s front doorway.
Study: 83% Of Marathon Spectators Only Attend For Sick Thrill Of Watching Fellow Man Suffer #~# CHICAGO—In a new study released Monday by Northwestern University, researchers found that 83 percent of marathon spectators only attend to relish the sick thrill of watching their fellow man suffer. “Analysis revealed that the guilty pleasure of watching a group of exhausted, miserable human beings painfully push their bodies to the limit in a 26-mile race is the primary motivation of every four out of five observers at the event,” said lead researcher Dr. Philip Sharp, noting that a large majority of people who watched marathons were there for the deliciously sinful delight of witnessing the pained expressions of struggling, out-of-breath competitors as they lose all control of their bodies and collapse. “Data found that scores of observers would even bring signs, air horns, and bells to encourage the runners to continue the parade of human misery just for their own perverse entertainment. Even the 17 percent of the audience who are primarily there to support a friend or loved one in the race admit they can’t help but savor the intoxicating, depraved rush of satisfaction they feel when watching a runner puking on the side of the road as their digestive system shuts down due to the intense level of exercise.” Sharp added that marathon officials were already citing the study as they considered plans to extend the length of races and ban water and carbohydrate-based energy gels in order to improve attendance and the overall enjoyment for spectators.
Study Finds 44% Of Young People Deleted Facebook App From Phone In Last Year #~# Almost half of young adults between the ages of 18 and 29 deleted the Facebook app from their phone in the past year, suggesting the social media giant continues to lose its grip on that demographic. What do you think?
Defiant Dallas Police Officer Claims Anyone Could Have Mistaken Black Man’s Apartment For Gun #~# DALLAS—Insisting that every law enforcement official in America would have done the exact same thing if put in her situation, Dallas officer Amber Guyger claimed Monday that anyone could have mistaken a black man’s apartment for a dangerous firearm. “Listen, when your instincts kick in and your adrenaline is pumping, it’s easy to get confused—unfortunately, when you’re not sure if you’re looking at a furnished one-bedroom apartment or a deadly weapon, you have to err on the side of caution,” said the Dallas police officer now accused of manslaughter for shooting a black man in his own residence, explaining that she reacted in self-defense when the man appeared to be in possession of a firearm that turned out to be a three-piece living room set. “You have to be careful. The door handle, the coffee table, the throw pillows—if any of those things had been guns, it would have been very risky. Everyone always says they’d do things differently, but you never really know until you’re in the heat of the moment, facing a huge array of home décor. I just had to follow my gut.” At press time, Guyger had reportedly received an outpouring of support from hundreds of other police officers who had previously confused unarmed black people for large human-shaped guns.
Obama Urges Young Voters To Ignore How Many Lousy Candidates Democratic Party Runs #~# ANAHEIM, CA—In a fiery speech delivered to students at the Anaheim Convention Center over the weekend, former President Barack Obama reportedly urged young voters to get out there and ignore how many lousy candidates the Democratic Party runs. “We’re experiencing a crisis in our democracy that can only be stopped by showing up to vote for people who will fight for transformative change, but until we start offering that, please just go to your polling place and cast your vote for whichever mediocre Democrat is on the ballot,” said Obama, pressing young people to avoid thinking about the actual track records and ideological beliefs of Democratic Party politicians who have been in government for years and just concentrating on the (D) next to their name. “We have too many eligible voters who are staying home on Election Day instead of standing up to the Republican Party by voting for Democrats who are in many respects exactly like their Republican opponents. Less than one in five young Americans voted in the 2014 midterms because our party ran very few good candidates, and we implore you to go out and vote this time even though we’re doing that again. What’s important for the future of America is that you just close your eyes, don’t think about it too hard, and select that name.” At press time, Obama urged the young generation of voters to stand up and save the U.S. democracy, since his generation of Democratic politicians was not capable of such a feat.
Whoa, Classmate Got Totally Hideous Over Summer Vacation #~# SANTA MARIA, CA—Completely floored by his new appearance, sources at Pioneer Valley High School confirmed Monday that, whoa, their classmate Jeremy Lucas got totally hideous over the summer vacation. “Holy shit, Jeremy got super vile over the summer,” said Kimberly Stockton, 16, adding that she never really noticed Lucas before he became all gangly and grew body hair in all the wrong places, but now she could hardly stand to look away from his acne-covered face and greasy hair. “He’s really been turning heads with his noxious body odor, constantly cracking voice, and massive Adam’s apple. It’s hard to believe this guy with all of the wrong facial and bodily proportions is the same Jeremy we’ve known this whole time.” Stockton later added that she just knew everyone would clamor to be the first one to ask Lucas out as a joke. 
India Decriminalizes Homosexuality #~# India’s highest court ruled that a 160-year-old law banning sex “against the order of nature” amounted to discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, effectively decriminalizing homosexuality. What do you think?
God Furious At Every Human Who Isn’t Actively Trying To Get As Fat As Possible Off Bounty He Provided #~# HEAVEN—Condemning the heretical rejection of His divine will by a blasphemously underweight mankind, God declared Himself furious toward every person not actively striving to become as fat as possible off the divine bounty He has provided for His people upon the Earth. “This is the land of milk and honey, and also of fine meats, cheeses, fruits and nuts, breadstuffs, wines, and all manner of good things that I have set upon the Earth, all given freely to you, so chow down,” said the Creator, ruler and sustainer of all the Earth, noting that the human body was indeed a temple, and that a temple should be built as large as possible. “I had always intended for the weight of all sons and daughters of Isaac and Ishmael to be seven talents [approximately 500 pounds]; yet in their thousands and tens of thousands, many seek to eat as little as possible, and of that paucity, no carbohydrates. It is a blasphemy.” God further cautioned that, if humanity did not begin fattening themselves like sacrificial calves, He would be forced to make a chosen people of the Americans.
Fan Going To See How First Few Games Go Before Declaring Moral Objection To Watching NFL #~# LAKE WORTH, FL—Preparing to denounce football as a dangerous sport that takes advantage of athletes as soon as he could determine his favorite team had no hope of making the playoffs, local Dolphins fan Brad Abbott announced Sunday that he was going to check out the first couple games of the season before declaring a moral objection to watching the NFL. “I was going to come out and say the league is indefensible due to its reaction to domestic abuse allegations, but then we drafted Minkah Fitzpatrick and signed Danny Amendola, so maybe I’ll see what happens first,” Abbott said, asserting that he would immediately take a vocal stance against the league by calling out its policies on social protests the moment the Dolphins hit a three-game losing streak. “The NFL’s response to CTE research has been abhorrent, and as soon as the Dolphins are statistically out of the playoffs, I’ll be boycotting them. I mean, how immoral of a person do you have to be to support Roger Goodell if your team has no shot at the post-season?” Abbott promised that he would not be watching the Super Bowl this season unless someone invited him to a party or the matchup was really good.
Biden To Decide On 2020 Run By January #~# Former Vice President Joe Biden has given himself a deadline of January 2019 to decide on whether to run for president. What do you think?
‘New York Times’ Publishes Bombshell Anonymous Opinion Article From White House Insider #~# The New York Times published an opinion piece from an anonymous White House senior official criticizing President Trump and noting many members of his administration are working to “thwart parts of his agenda and his worst inclinations.” What do you think?
Eiffel Tower Finally Completed #~# PARIS—Expressing immense pride that the nearly 130-year-long construction project had come to an end, French architects held a press conference Friday to announce that the Eiffel Tower had finally been completed. “After countless delays in construction, we are pleased to announce that the Eiffel Tower’s original design has been realized at last, and its empty frame has been filled with incredible storefronts, apartments, and office spaces,” said head architect Paul Bisset, who added that local zoning laws and roadblocks with investors had stalled building plans since 1887, leaving the famous tower in an unsightly, half-finished state as a steel skeleton for decades. “Finally, this abandoned husk of a building will no longer mar our city’s beautiful skyline. Now, residents of Paris can enjoy all 81 stories of the Tower, including ground-floor coffee shops, full amenities like a gym and pool for residents, and, of course—for one lucky person—an amazing four-square-foot penthouse suite with breathtaking views of Paris at the top.” At press time, Bisset also added that a parking lot for the Eiffel Tower would soon be underway, as soon as they demolished the abandoned Arc de Triomphe.
New Study Confirms This Didn’t Even Feel Like A 4-Day Work Week #~# ROCHESTER, NY—In what researchers deemed “a total slog from start to finish,” a new study published Friday by the University of Rochester confirmed that this didn’t even feel like a four-day work week. “Despite initial rest and rejuvenation that came with having Monday off, our research found that everybody got fucking slammed first thing on Tuesday morning and then continued to play an exhausting game of catch-up each day until the long-awaited weekend,” said lead researcher Janet Hayes, adding that while the three days off may have felt incredible at first, getting through the ensuing week was nothing short of a goddamn brutal marathon. “According to our data, even just waking up that first morning after a relaxing weekend was near impossible. And then, you’ve twice the work to finish but way less time to do it? From a scientific standpoint, just having a five-day work week would have been better all around.” At press time, Hayes and her team had recommended that if the general population was still feeling drained after the upcoming weekend, they should definitely use a few of their sick days to recover.
MTA Official Too Nervous To Tell Commuters Waiting For Train That Service Shut Down Permanently An Hour Ago #~# NEW YORK—Growing increasingly anxious as tempers flared on the crowded platform, Metropolitan Transportation Authority planning director William Wheeler was reportedly too nervous Friday to tell commuters waiting for their train that service shut down permanently an hour ago. “Oh, God, I just don’t have the nerve to tell all these people that the subway line they’ve been expecting for almost an hour just doesn’t exist anymore,” said Wheeler, who expressed hope that maybe if he just sat tight for another 15-20 minutes, everyone would just leave the subway stop of their own volition. “They’re going to be really pissed at me when they realize there aren’t even cars on the tracks. I guess I could just tell them it’s delayed. Technically, it is delayed—forever.” At press time, Wheeler snuck out of the train station and hailed a taxi to take him as far away as possible.
Deformed, Half-Feathered Audubon Society President Flees Into Forest After Injecting Self With Bird DNA #~# NEW YORK—Breaking into a grotesque, flapping half-run as his knees reversed themselves and pinion feathers burst wetly from his elongating fingers, rapidly deforming National Audubon Society president David Yarnold leapt through a window of his Manhattan office and flew in a series of ungainly swooping lurches towards the forests of upstate New York Friday after injecting himself with the DNA of a red-tailed hawk. “Look away! Look away, damn you,” the nonprofit CEO and feather-covered monstrosity hissed in a quasi-avian squawk as he disappeared into a thicket. “Oh, God! What have I become? I’m no bird—I’m no man—I’m a monster!” In possibly related news, several rural Hudson Valley communities reported that a large birdlike abomination bearing a resemblance to Yarnold had injured itself while attacking its own horrific reflection in plate-glass windows.
‘Rock The Caliphate’ Charity Concert Features U2, Ed Sheeran, Dua Lipa Coming Together To Raise Money For Struggling Islamic State #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide much-needed assistance to the beleaguered terrorist organization, a charity concert known as Rock The Caliphate—featuring U2, Ed Sheeran, Dua Lipa, and other top musical acts—was held last night to raise money for the struggling Islamic State.
Man Discovers Huge Cache Of Rare Fossils While Walking Through Natural History Museum #~# LOS ANGELES—Amazed by the archeological treasure trove he described as “hiding in plain sight,” museumgoer Nolan Terrell stumbled across a huge cache of rare fossils Friday while walking through the Natural History Museum of Los Angeles. “My first thought was that this is a gold mine—there’s a massive diversity of fossils, everything from the Jurassic to the Cenozoic era, and they’re all in pristine condition,” said Terrell, marveling at the vast array of prehistoric remnants that, experts at the museum confirmed, could potentially alter the way people view the timeline of life on earth. “There appear to be a few barriers to collecting them, but as these seem to consist primarily of red velvet rope and glass, I’m sure it’s nothing fossil experts can’t handle.” Terrell said he will personally finance a paleontological expedition with the fortune he recently made after discovering a trove of natural gemstones and crafted jewelry on the museum’s second floor.
2018 NFL Season Storylines To Watch #~# The 2018 NFL season kicked off on Thursday, as the Philadelphia Eagles sought to give their fans an opportunity to destroy their own city in celebration for the second year in a row. The Onion takes a look at the biggest storylines going into the 2018 NFL season.
Facebook Employee Group Aims To Promote Political Diversity #~# A group of 100 Facebook employees have joined an internal group promoting political diversity at the social media giant, criticizing the company’s perceived “liberal monoculture.” What do you think?
Fucking Idiot Has Perfect GIF For That #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Reveling at the opportunity to respond to an online post with the quintessential short, silent video loop, local fucking idiot Greg Knott told reporters Thursday that he has the perfect GIF for that. “Oh, man, this is totally spot-on,” announced the knuckle-dragging dumbass whose very existence is a testament to the depths of human stupidity. Several reports indicated that the utter dipshit struggled not to drool on himself while scrolling through his archives of .gif files of Jonah Hill, Donald Glover, Larry David, Judge Judy, Kayode Ewumi, Donald Trump, Chuck Norris, Robert Redford, and others saved on his computer desktop before deeming the three-second looped reaction shot of Will Ferrell in Anchorman as the ideal contribution to the conversation. At press time, the slobbering moron reportedly muttered, “hell yeah, that’s a good one,” and basked in the fruits of his internet curating efforts, seemingly oblivious to the fact that 78 other total fucking halfwits had the exact same stupid-ass idea.
‘The Onion’ Has Chosen To Publish An Anonymous Op-Ed From Two Sources Close To Trump Who Think Their Dad Is The Best President Ever #~# Today, The Onion is making an unusual editorial decision, and we want to explain why. As turmoil continues to increase within the Trump White House, this essay offers an invaluable high-level perspective into the administration’s inner workings. Due to the sensitive nature of this op-ed, revealing the identities of the writers could jeopardize their positions in the administration. We believe, however, that any issues with the writers’ identities or their motivations for writing this piece are overridden by the necessity of informing the public about what it’s like to work for the president. That is why The Onion has chosen to publish an anonymous op-ed from two sources close to Mr. Trump who think their dad is the best president ever. 
Woman Would Have Had Awesome Time Aborting Fetus If It Weren’t For Angry Protestors Screaming Outside Clinic #~# MILWAUKEE, WI—Disappointed at the outcome of the event she’d been eagerly awaiting for weeks, local woman Hannah Kaperski told reporters Thursday that she would have had an awesome time terminating her unwanted pregnancy if it weren’t for the angry protestors screaming outside the clinic. “It’s just such a bummer—you build up these amazing expectations for aborting your fetus only for a bunch of loud, obnoxious strangers to ruin everything,” said Kaperski, explaining that she’d made the appointment as part of a relaxing “me day” after weeks of feeling stressed out and overwhelmed by the prospect of putting aside her current personal and career goals in order to raise an unplanned child by herself. “This was supposed to just be a fun self-care day. I was so pumped to brag to all my girlfriends about it, but now I’ll have to include the part of the day where a middle-aged woman spat in my face and called me a murderer. It’s such a buzzkill.” Kaperski also admitted that, once she got past the throng of protesters, she did end up having a pretty fun time inside the clinic.
Kavanaugh Surprised Senate Not Questioning Fact He Never Went To Law School #~# WASHINGTON—Assuming the subject would have at least been raised once during the past three days of confirmation hearings, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh confirmed Thursday that he was surprised not one senator had questioned him about the fact that he never went to law school. “Honestly, I’m kind of shocked that these senators didn’t rake me over the coals for not having a law degree,” said Kavanaugh, noting that while he took a few political science classes in college and read SCOTUSBlog from time to time, he was really more of a legal hobbyist. “I’m happy to share my opinion on abortion and stuff, but, again, that isn’t grounded in any kind of legal background, per se. In fact, I actually majored in sports medicine.” Kavanaugh went on to note that despite not knowing exactly how the Supreme Court functioned, he was sure he would pick up on most of the U.S. judicial system’s quirks after a few weeks on the job.
Fabled Lost City Of Gold Finally Discovered Off I-95 Outside Baltimore #~# EL DORADO, MD—Long after historians, explorers, and even the most dedicated treasure hunters had given up the fabled lost city of gold as apocryphal, El Dorado has finally been discovered a few hundred yards off the I-95 Interstate outside Baltimore. “The conquistadors sought it in South America, Ponce de León looked for it all over Florida, but you take the exit like you’re headed to White Marsh and it’s pretty much right there,” said archeologist Robert Collier, noting that the 50-acre complex of solid gold temples and crypts had been obscured for decades by an array of billboards for legal help and check-cashing services. “It was definitely surprising to find a massive golden city sandwiched between the frontage road and a strip mall, but it’s also kind of a tricky exit with a three-way stop, unless you’re making a right turn, but then people stop anyway, you know how it is. And a lot of people get sidetracked because there’s a fireworks superstore across the street. Nevertheless, a truly amazing find.” Archaeologists are calling the discovery the most significant and unexpected discovery since the sunken city of Atlantis was found in the Woodfield mall parking lot in Schaumburg, IL.
Aging Tom Brady Decides To Conserve Energy By No Longer Returning Kicks #~# FOXBORO, MA—Phasing out one of the most famous and explosive parts of his game, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady told reporters Thursday that he plans to protect his body this season by no longer returning kicks. “I’m not in my 20s anymore, when I could return four or five kicks a game. I just don’t have the stamina to start a drive after a 30-yard punt return without getting winded,” said Brady, who has been beloved by Patriots fans for his elusiveness, lightning-fast speed, and electrifying spin moves. “As you get older, you have to learn your body’s limits, and I just can’t juke past tacklers and sprint down the sidelines like I used to. I won’t rule out returning a few punts during the playoffs if we need a spark, but after almost 20 years as the Patriots’ return man, it’s time someone else took over.” Sources confirmed that while Brady intends to stay fresh by mostly focusing on passing, he has no plans to give up long snapping.
Clothes Come To Forefront As Major Theme In This Year’s New York Fashion Week #~# NEW YORK—Predicting that attire will almost certainly become one of the hottest style trends of 2019, attendees of New York fashion week confirmed Thursday that this year’s major theme has been clothes. “No matter where you look this fashion week, from Gabriela Hearst to Calvin Klein, every runway—without fail—has featured clothes,” said fashion blogger Carly Florio, who noted that despite a myriad of different looks, every brand has clearly taken at least some inspiration from covering your body with fabric. “We saw designers pairing shoes with pants, jackets with shirts—every blogger is talking about how clothes are the absolute must-have item for the fall. By next year, we anticipate every major high-end retailer will be fighting each other to stock their stores with some kind of garment.” At press time, critics were reportedly attacking fashion week for presenting the average person with the impossible standard of having to pull off wearing clothes.
Disillusioned Woman Now Wondering If Any Of Her Magical Vagina Stones Have Healing Powers #~# TEMPE, AZ—Upon learning lifestyle company Goop had settled a lawsuit over false claims it made about the health benefits of its jade egg product, disillusioned local woman Melissa Salani reportedly began to question Wednesday whether any of her magical vagina stones actually possessed healing powers. “If my jade egg doesn’t really increase orgasms or regulate my hormones, how can I be sure all the other crystals and minerals I’ve been putting up there work?” said the visibly crestfallen Salani, shaking her head as she examined the $66 stone egg that she charges under the power of a full moon and, when it is not inserted into her vaginal canal, keeps wrapped in silk upon an altar. “I’m truly at a loss, because I felt so warm and energized when I had that rose quartz yoni egg inside me, just like the guru from the Goop website said I would, but now I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t just a placebo. I’ve spent thousands on vaginal rejuvenation devices, and now I can’t even be certain they imbue me with vibrating energies while aligning my chakras and connecting me to ancestral spirits.” At press time, sources confirmed Salani was jamming handfuls of colorful stones up her vagina to counteract the feelings of negativity and self-doubt that were clouding her judgment.
Carl Bernstein Weeps Uncontrollably After Learning Bob Woodward Wrote A President Book Without Him #~# WASHINGTON—Tearfully confessing that the release of Fear: Trump In The White House had left him totally and completely blindsided, renowned journalist Carl Bernstein could be seen weeping uncontrollably Wednesday after learning Bob Woodward had written a president book without him. “Reporting on corruption at the highest levels of the American government was supposed to be our thing,” the visibly distraught reporter said of his former partner before letting out an exasperated sob, throwing his advance copy of the book against the wall, and burying his tear-soaked face in a pillow. “President books were something special we had together. Without me, who was there to help him get all those people to agree to do interviews on deep background? I guess Watergate meant nothing to him. Well, fine. Maybe I’ll just write my own Trump book all by myself! And when it wins a Pulitzer, guess who won’t be joining ol’ Bernstein on the awards stand?” At press time, Bernstein had reportedly taken a deep breath, deleted Woodward’s number from his phone, and immediately called his wife to ask if she’d co-author a president book with him.
Nike Makes Colin Kaepernick Face Of New Ad Campaign #~# Nike announced that it will make Colin Kaepernick, who sparked controversy by kneeling during the national anthem to protest racial injustice, the face of its most recent “Just Do It” ad campaign. What do you think?
Shohei Ohtani Regrets Not Researching Which Teams Were Good Before Signing With Angels #~# ANAHEIM, CA—Kicking himself for not considering the potential consequences of his hasty career decision, Shohei Ohtani told reporters Wednesday that he regrets not researching which teams were good prior to signing with the Los Angeles Angels. “Man, looking back, I definitely should have done a quick Google search for ‘good major league baseball teams’ or something like that, because this is a major waste of my talent,” said the Japanese baseball phenom who, despite being enthusiastically courted by several other MLB teams, decided to sign with the Angels after just assuming they were probably good since they are a big-market team. “This was just laziness on my part, and now I’m gonna regret this for a while. I mean, I’m in the prime of my career, I could have signed with anyone I wanted. At the very least, I should have asked someone, ‘Hey, are the Angels good or bad?’” Ohtani also told reporters that more disappointing than anything was discovering he was actually going to play in some shitty town called Anaheim instead of Los Angeles. 
Kavanaugh Panicking After Botching Part Of Confirmation Where He Asked If He Rejects Satan #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting that he regretted his answer as soon as it came out of his mouth, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly panicking Wednesday after botching the part of his confirmation where he was asked if he rejects Satan. “Shit, I was supposed to say ‘yes,’” said Kavanaugh, who, when asked by the Senate Judiciary Committee if he renounced the devil and all his work and empty promises, delivered an emphatic “no,” which was then met with loud gasps from all those present. “Oh, man, I can’t believe I fucked this up and sided with the Prince of Darkness—I was doing so well up until then! I knew I should have rehearsed the whole ‘rejecting Satan’ question a few more times. Maybe I can ask for a do-over on that one.” At press time, several eyewitnesses spotted a visibly nervous Kavanaugh writing “Satan = Bad, God = Good” on his hand before heading back into the Senate chamber.
John Kelly Relieved Trump So Fucking Stupid He’ll Believe Woodward Made Up Disparaging Quotes #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing his gratitude that the president was a big enough dipshit to be this easily placated, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was reportedly relieved Wednesday that Donald Trump was so fucking stupid that he believed Bob Woodward had fabricated disparaging quotes from staffers in his upcoming book, Fear. “I was sweating bullets for a minute there when the president called me into his office for referring to him as ‘unhinged’ and ‘an idiot,’ but luckily when I told him Woodward invented the whole thing, that dumbass fell for it hook, line, and sinker,” said the retired Marine Corps general, explaining how easily he convinced Trump that the Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative journalist was lying by just saying “fake news” a couple times and assuring the president that he was an incredible leader. “I thought I might run into some trouble because this is the same excuse I used in April when NBC quoted me calling him an idiot, but nope, he lapped it all up again no problem. I guess I forgot for a second what a drooling, slack-jawed moron the president is. Honestly, even if I had owned up to it, old shit-for-brains probably would have forgotten what I said 15 minutes later.” Kelly added that now that this controversy had been laid to rest, he could focus on steadfastly serving the unconscionable dumbfuck for the remainder of his term.
Kavanaugh Packing Gun At Congressional Hearing In Case Parkland Father Tries To Shake His Hand Again #~# WASHINGTON—Fearing for his safety after an incident with Fred Guttenberg the previous day, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly packing a gun at his Senate hearing Wednesday in case the father of a Parkland shooting victim tried to shake his hand again. “If that son-of-a-bitch comes up and threatens to greet me one more time, he’s got another thing coming,” said a jumpy Kavanaugh, who concealed a semi-automatic pistol in his belt to protect himself against the gun control activist as he appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee, reaching toward the firearm several times believing he saw Guttenberg approaching to introduce himself out of the corner of his vision. “I’m not going to sit here unable to defend myself against people trying to meet me—I know my Second Amendment rights. This is my confirmation hearing, and if that bastard comes at me again, I’m going to blow off his damn hand.” At press time, a frightened Kavanaugh had grabbed his gun to stand his ground against a threatening black man and shot Senator Cory Booker.
World’s Cartographers Continue Living Secret Life Of Luxury On Idyllic, Never Disclosed 8th Continent #~# THE PACIFIC OCEAN—Pausing to briefly reflect on their immense good fortune between long sessions of nude sunbathing and plucking perfectly ripe tropical fruit from the rare vegetation surrounding them, the world’s cartographers reportedly continued living their secret lives of luxury this week on the idyllic, never-disclosed eighth continent they call home. “Ah, yes—this is the life,” said topographical researcher Garrett Farthing, chuckling to himself as he delicately put the finishing touches on yet another map showing their current location to be an empty stretch of the Pacific Ocean while being fed grapes by a trained monkey from an ultra-docile species found only on their lush, temperate, 3.5-million-square-mile landmass. “Those suckers who don’t understand map-making are really missing out—although it’s entirely possible that their feeble brains couldn’t even begin to comprehend such beauty. We live here free of war and violence, free of all society’s ills, making rapturous love to whoever we please and sleeping beneath the stars on the warm sand. No non-cartographer should ever sully this place with their uncultured presence.” At press time, the cartographers had spotted and swiftly spear-hunted the crew of an errant cargo ship that had run aground on their shores.
The Onion’s Guide To Twitch #~# Twitch is the leading site for livestreaming video games, with over 15 million active daily users. The Onion presents a guide to everything you need to know about Twitch.
Two-Faced House Guest Who Didn’t Need Anything Suddenly Wants Glass Of Water #~# LANCASTER, PA—Proving herself to be high maintenance and untrustworthy, two-faced house guest Anna Smithayer, who reportedly insisted that she didn’t need anything Wednesday, suddenly wanted a glass of water. “Who the fuck goes back on their word like that? One minute she’s like, ‘Oh, I’m all set,’ and the next she’s expecting me to wait on her hand and foot,” said homeowner Megan Lowry, hurriedly pouring a glass of water for the double-dealing traitor “before she changes her mind again.” “To see someone just do a complete 180 about their comfort level, it really makes you wonder—what else don’t I know about you? Can I trust that you won’t stab me in the back once again?” At press time, the notorious double-crosser had asked to use some of Lowry’s toothpaste merely hours after claiming she brought her own toiletries.
HBO Ending Its Skinemax Offerings #~# Noting declining demand for such softcore options, HBO announced that it would remove erotic adult movies and TV shows such as Cat House and Real Sex from its channels and streaming services. What do you think?
Trump Disapproval Rating At All-Time High #~# According to a Washington Post–ABC News poll, roughly 60 percent of Americans disapprove of President Trump’s performance, while 63 percent support Robert Mueller and 50 percent favor initiating impeachment proceedings. What do you think?
Literary Theorists Admit They Still Have No Idea What Animal Farm About #~# CHICAGO—Speculating that the novella must be relying on “symbolism or something,” the nation’s preeminent literary theorists admitted Tuesday that they still have no clue what George Orwell’s 1945 work Animal Farm is about. “The encroaching influence of technology? Industrialized farming? The unpredictable effects of climate change? Windmills are definitely important, appearing several times in he text, but by and large, my colleagues and I are just grasping at straws,” said University of Chicago professor of English language and literature Donald O’Hare, adding that everyone in his field of study is “utterly baffled” by the book’s oft-quoted line, “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.” “It’s frustrating, to be certain, as I’ve spent entire semesters teaching it, but I’ve never settled to my own satisfaction whether it’s truly about nature, or animals, or what have you. To be perfectly honest, we all thought it was a nice little barnyard story about getting along in the vein of, like, Charlotte’s Web, but eventually the dark tone and some of the pigs’ complex relationships brought us to realize that something more is probably going on here. But despite hundreds of close analyses and thousands of published papers, we’re not even close to figuring out, say, why the animals stand up at the end.” O’Hare added that the novel, for all its mysterious allure, still doesn’t hold a candle to Orwell’s novel 1984, which he is fairly certain is about pop culture.
Embarrassed Brett Kavanaugh Can’t Believe He Wore Handmaid Costume On Same Day As Protesters #~# WASHINGTON—Adjusting the white bonnet and settling into his chair before the start of his confirmation hearing Tuesday, embarrassed Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh reportedly couldn’t believe both he and protestors had chosen to wear handmaid costumes on the same day. “I was feeling so confident in my blood-red dress and elegant matching cape, but then all of a sudden dozens of sign-waving women wearing the exact same outfit as me showed up outside the hearing room, and now I just look stupid,” said Kavanaugh, who, according to reports, frantically texted his wife and asked her to bring him either a black or navy blue suit to change into during the next recess. “I thought if I chose a showy enough red, nobody else would pick the same outfit as me, but apparently we all had the same idea to make a bold statement during this hearing. It’s beyond mortifying. I can’t believe the Capitol police made me wait in the hallway with the other handmaids.” At press time, a visibly sweating Kavanaugh was explaining to the Senate Judiciary Committee why he wanted to dress up as his favorite television villain. 
David Remnick Quietly Relieved He Won’t Have To Lose Debate To Steve Bannon In Front Of Everyone  #~# NEW YORK—Grateful he was able to avoid what surely would have been a humiliating defeat, New Yorker editor David Remnick quietly expressed relief Tuesday that he wouldn’t have to lose a debate to Steve Bannon next month in front of everyone attending his magazine’s fall festival. “Man, I really dodged a bullet there,” said Remnick, adding that he was in way over his head in attempting to interview the former White House strategist, and that Patton Oswalt, Judd Apatow, and others who threatened to cancel their festival appearances in protest “really saved my ass” by providing an excuse to back out. “For months, I’ve been sweating bullets, thinking about how I could possibly hold my own against a guy who pushed for a Muslim ban and tried to get Roy Moore elected to the Senate. Seriously, he would have absolutely wiped the floor with me. It could have destroyed my reputation.” At press time, sources confirmed Remnick was making plans with Bannon to lose the debate in a more traditional journalistic setting.
Competitive Adidas Unveils Darren Wilson As New Face Of Brand #~# PORTLAND, OR—In response to their competitor Nike’s new marketing campaign featuring former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick, Adidas reportedly unveiled former police officer Darren Wilson Tuesday as the new face of the brand. “Darren Wilson represents the values that Adidas stands for—the values of true-blue, patriotic Americans,” said spokesperson Victor Donnelly at a press conference where Adidas displayed a new 30-second black-and-white ad spot featuring close-ups of Wilson, Timothy Loehmann, John Rogers, Andrew Hutchins, and several other police officers who were acquitted in the shooting deaths of unarmed African American men with the new slogan “Believe You’ll Walk Away Scot-Free” superimposed over their faces. “Whether you’re walking carefully through a crime scene to plant a gun on someone or sprinting after a suspect so you can shoot him in the back, Adidas offers the most comfortable, form-fitting, breathable attire for high-performance police work. In these controversial times, brands like Adidas must take a stand, and wherever you go from now on, if you hear or see the word ‘Adidas,’ we want you to think of Darren Wilson.” At press time, Adidas’ stock price was soaring after a massive increase in sales.
I Can No Longer In Good Conscience Eat Meat After Seeing That Tic-Tac-Toe-Playing Chicken At The County Fair #~# I’ve been a meat eater for 52 years. That’s the way my parents raised me. Chicken, pork, beef, lamb—I ate it all, never giving much thought to where my food actually came from. But something happened to me recently that changed all of that. I witnessed something so incredible, so profound, that I can truly say my relationship with food will never be the same.
Societal Collapse Narrowly Averted After Man Honks Horn At Car Paused At Green Light #~# STOCKTON, CA—Displaying great courage in the face of looming catastrophe, electrician Tyler Pendleton narrowly averted the complete collapse of society Tuesday by honking his horn at a car that had paused briefly at a green light. “Jesus Christ, you dipshit!” Pendleton said as part of his selfless defense of our greatest ideals, underscoring and reinforcing his horn’s furious, arrhythmic honking and almost certainly preventing a massive traffic jam that would have inevitably ripped asunder the very fabric of civilization. “It’s green, you idiot, come on! Get off your damn phone and keep your eyes on the road! God, nobody in this fucking city knows how to drive.” Having single-handedly restored order after our very way of life teetered for five breathless seconds on the brink of chaos, the ever-vigilant Pendleton immediately threw himself back into the defense of all that is good and pure by tailgating a motorist who was hampering the progress of all humankind by driving only five miles per hour above the posted speed limit. 
California Man Charged With Threatening To Kill ‘Boston Globe’ Employees #~# A California man was charged with threatening to kill employees of The Boston Globe, whom he called “the enemy of the people.” What do you think?
Scientists Determine Tingling Sensation Of ASMR Caused By Mass Brain Cell Die-Off #~# URBANA, IL—In a warning of what they are calling an impending public health crisis, scientists from the University of Illinois announced Monday that the tingling sensation of autonomous sensory meridian response-inducing stimuli, or ASMR, is actually caused by mass cell death in the brain. “What you are feeling in the back of your mind is slowly killing you, so please, for the love of God, stop now,” said neurologist Samantha Bergmann, who added that even brief episodes of ASMR were found to cause permanent and catastrophic damage to the central nervous system of the listener. “That tingling sensation represents hundreds of millions of your neurons firing one last time as they die then slough off inside your brain. Furthermore, as the tingling progresses down your back, you are feeling the mildly pleasant effects of your spinal cord shriveling and necrotizing. Every time you listen to an ASMR recording, you are literally turning your brain to mush. So please, if you feel even the slightest tingle, put down the headphones and call 911 immediately.” Bergmann also stressed that the tingling sensation of ASMR should not be confused with the tingling sensation that often precedes a stroke, a far less serious phenomenon.
Nation Baffled By Childless Woman Who Doesn’t Even Have High-Powered Career #~# AKRON, OH—Unsure what to make of the mid-level salesperson who is both unmarried and not pregnant, Americans were reportedly baffled Monday by Andrea McGovern, a childless 32-year-old woman who doesn’t even have a high-powered career. “She doesn’t seem to be an executive, which is fine, but then why doesn’t she have any kids with her? Oh, I bet she’s pregnant and not showing yet,” said passerby Brian Roland, one of millions across the country unable to make heads or tails of the woman who confusingly doesn’t appear to be on any kind of corporate track or have a husband or fiancé in sight with whom she’s currently planning to start a family. “I get if she’s barren, but then why isn’t she in a pantsuit, holding a briefcase, or shaking a lawyer’s hand? Oh, my God—what if she was on her way to the fertility clinic and got lost? We should send someone to help her.” At press time, the nation calmed down after deciding the woman was probably a nun who forgot her veil at home.
Alabama Begins Offering Tax Credit To Attract More YouTube Fail Compilations To Be Filmed In State #~# MONTGOMERY, AL—In an effort to boost the economy and produce more accurate on-screen depictions of the state known as the Heart of Dixie, Alabama governor Kay Ivey signed off on a new creative arts tax credit bill Monday designed and structured to attract film crews creating YouTube “fail compilations” to the state. “We’re offering to cover up to 20 percent of production costs for any filmmaker who wants to make use of Alabama’s distinct cultural advantages in an online video where someone, say, jumps their ATV off their garage roof into an inflatable swimming pool filled with empty beer cans, or perhaps attempts to wakeboard on an old refrigerator pulled behind a mudder truck in Guntersville Lake,” Ivey told reporters at a press conference, clarifying that the tax credit could be applied to any part of the film process, from lighting and sound equipment to trampolines, fireworks, and diesel-truck-engined bass boats. “Talent-wise, we are more than ready to compete on Florida’s level in the fail compilation market, and we’re confident YouTubers will truly embrace Alabama’s unique mix of shoeless alligator confrontation, unsupported driveway basketball hoops, and blatant disregard for hoverboard recalls.” Ivey concluded her press conference by addressing a recent video of an Alabama man discharging a shotgun into a styrofoam cooler filled with Tannerite explosives held by his twin 5-year-old daughters, calling the incident “precisely the kind of sick, viral content our state needs.”
Paramedics Didn’t Realize How Hard It Would Be To Cut Drunk Woman Out Of Elmo Costume #~# CLEVELAND—Finding themselves hopelessly out of their depth despite years of training in emergency field medicine, a local team of paramedics told reporters Wednesday that they had no idea how difficult it would be to cut a dangerously drunk woman out of an Elmo costume. “Good God, how did she even breathe in this thing? There was almost no ventilation even before the vomiting started, and this head alone must weigh 20 pounds,” said veteran EMT Alex Iglesias, marveling at the costume’s extremely constrictive polyester-resin design, which was then layered with a thick, red furry material of some unknown origin that seemed designed to dull medical shears. “Of course the fucking zipper got stuck, and the fabric is too thick to get a needle through. Not only that, but she also used several layers of duct tape around the interior of the neck to keep the head from falling off, so I don’t know how we’re supposed to intubate her. We may have to use the actual Jaws of Life to get her out of there if she doesn’t stop flailing and asking us if we know where her friends went.” Iglesias and his team also say they have “no earthly idea” how the woman managed to get the liquor bottles into the costume with her.
Woman Sick Of Being Stuck In Back Half Of Velma Costume Entire Halloween Party #~# LAKEWOOD, OH—Cramped and frustrated at being unable to interact with any of the other guests, Halloween party attendee Hayley Crawford divulged Wednesday that she was sick of being stuck as the back half of the Velma costume. “It’s unbelievably hot back here and I’m tired of suddenly being pulled around without warning whenever [Velma front half] Kelly [Armbruster] wants a drink or sees someone she knows. We’d better be switching out soon,” said Crawford, who claimed she and fellow Scooby-Doo fan Armbruster had spent hours making the elaborate costume only for most people at the party to not even realize she was there. “I have to undo this flap in her skirt every time I want to have a drink, which almost always spills, and now Velma’s right foot has pretty much filled up with beer. This sucks. Next year, I’m just going by myself as a camel.” Crawford eventually left the party early and went home with the middle third of Thomas the Tank Engine.
Political Scientists Trace American Democracy’s Severe Polarization To Fucking Idiots On Other Side Of Aisle #~# DURHAM, NH—Blaming those with a differing worldview for sowing rampant discord in society, political scientists at the University of New Hampshire announced Wednesday they had traced the current polarization in American democracy to those fucking idiots on the other side of the aisle. “The analysis we conducted indicates the growing divide in political attitudes has been entirely caused by those dipshits in the other party,” said Dr. Stanley Pomeroy, adding that all these goddamn slobbering imbeciles and the biased media outlets they call news are primary drivers of the nation’s movement toward ideological extremes. “Our research clearly shows that ignorant assholes on the opposing side who never leave their personal echo chambers make the political sphere more contentious by continually spouting off stupid fucking opinions about issues they don’t even understand. Until these shit-for-brains voters stop casting their ballots for the wrong party, it’s unlikely things will get any better.” At press time, Pomeroy stressed that the only way to reverse the troubling effects of polarization was for the dumbfucks on the other side to disregard all their life experiences and change everything about the way they think.
Fortnite, Spider-Man Top 2018’s Most Popular Halloween Costumes #~# Characters from the video game Fortnite and comic book heroes topped the most popular Halloween costumes among adults and children in 2018, according to Google data. What do you think?
‘Kanye Must Be Back On His Meds,’ Says Nation Technically Having Conversation About Mental Illness #~# NEW YORK—Following a social media post in which the rapper appeared to distance himself from politics, Americans nationwide commented that “Kanye West must be back on his meds” in what, technically speaking, could be called a conversation about mental illness. “That guy was always a wack job, but it’s good he’s taking his pills again, at least,” said Christine Gardner, one of millions of individuals nationwide who was kind of engaging in some sort of discussion of mental health, if you only paid attention to the strict dictionary definition of that phrase and completely ignored all of the details. “I mean, Kanye is definitely off his rocker, but now that he’s following doctor’s orders again, maybe people won’t treat him like he’s such a weirdo [which you could maybe—just maybe—say is one way that Americans such as myself have of joining in a dialogue about the daily stigma and plight faced by those suffering from bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. Although, again, this is only true in the most charitable interpretation possible].” At press time, many Americans were agreeing that they now felt free to buy West’s most recent album, Ye, in what—in a purely hypothetical sense—could be called supporting those struggling with mental illness.
‘It’s Just A Costume, It’s Just A Costume,’ Man Nervously Assures Himself As Giant Hot Dog Starts Walking Toward Him #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Wringing his hands as beads of sweat began dripping down his forehead, local man Samuel Karpinski repeatedly sought to reassure himself Wednesday that the giant hot dog moving down the sidewalk toward him must be nothing more than a costume. “Stay calm, stay calm—it can’t hurt you,” a visibly shaken Karpinski said to himself as the 6-foot-tall polyester foam hot dog came closer and closer, showing no signs of returning to wherever it came from. “Just keep your eyes forward, don’t look at it. Gotta be just a guy in a costume, right? Remember what day it is. Oh, God, it’s covered in mustard and ketchup! Is it following me? Shit!” At press time, sources stated that Karpinski had sprinted away in fear only to turn the street corner and find a giant banana walking his way.
‘Take This Grape For It Is The Witch’s Eye, Take This Spaghetti For It Is The Witch’s Brain,’ Says Pope Francis During Halloween-Themed Communion #~# VATICAN CITY—Standing before his costumed congregants in St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis declared, “Take this grape for it is the witch’s eye, take this spaghetti for it is the witch’s brain,” during a Halloween-themed Communion Wednesday, Vatican sources confirmed.
Man Exhausted After Having To Explain Halloween Costume For Umpteenth Time #~# NEW BUFFALO, MI—Struggling to convey his exasperation through a set of plastic fangs, seasonally costumed reveler Aaron Greenstone admitted feelings of exhaustion and hopelessness Wednesday after explaining his Dracula Halloween costume for the “umpteenth” time. “I thought it would be super clever if I dressed up this way, but it turned out to be more trouble than it’s worth,” said Greenstone, 35, noting that he had already been mistaken for Batman, Harry Potter, and Goth Jared Kushner. “I eventually just started telling people that I’m a vampire, but they’re like, ‘Huh? What’s that?’ When I hiss at them, they ask if I’m a cat. When I tell them I want to suck their blood, they’re just confused and weirded out. Somebody came up to me in the kitchen a few minutes ago and was like, ‘Hey, I get it! You’re a steampunk dentist!’ I give up.” A dejected Greenstone was later seen leaving the party in the company of an individual who had evidently dressed as a large, green arthritic with bolts in his neck.
Midterms 2018: Key House Races To Watch #~# Many of the 435 U.S. House of Representatives midterm races are currently polling as toss-ups, with Democrats needing to win at least 24 extra seats to take back the House. The Onion takes a look at the key House races to watch in the midterms.
Instagram Surpasses Snapchat As Most-Used App By U.S. Teens #~# A study published in The Wall Street Journal found that Instagram is now used daily by 85 percent of U.S. teens, compared to 84 percent who use Snapchat. What do you think?
Inmates Scrambling To Replace Whitey Bulger In Prison Production Of ‘Guys And Dolls’ #~# BRUCETON MILLS, WV—Stressing the challenge of finding another actor with the stage presence necessary to bring the character of Nathan Detroit to life, inmates at the U.S. Penitentiary Hazelton were reportedly scrambling Tuesday to replace deceased mob boss Whitey Bulger in their current prison production of Guys And Dolls. “Man, it’s going to be hard to find another inmate like Whitey who had a great set of pipes and could box step like a natural,” said choreographer and fellow inmate Brian “Bone Lord” Hutchens, who described losing Bulger from the musical as the “worst thing that has ever happened here.” “Without Whitey, we’re gonna have to call up his understudy, and frankly, Bulldog isn’t even close to ready. He’s barely off book and he’s pretty damn pitchy during ‘The Oldest Established.’ This is a huge blow. Whitey was never a prima donna, either—such a generous performer. We’ll really miss him.” At press time, Hutchens grew frustrated after noticing Bulldog struggling to squeeze himself into Bulger’s old costume.
God Confirms Whitey Bulger Sent To Hell For Snitching #~# HEAVEN—Saying that the former organized crime boss was going where he belonged for his unforgivable sin after his death Tuesday in a West Virginia prison, the Lord Our God, Our Heavenly Father, confirmed that Whitey Bulger had been sent to Hell for snitching. “Look, I am a compassionate God, a merciful God, but there are some evils for which one can never be divinely pardoned, which is why Whitey Bulger today burns in Hell for the mortal sin of snitching,” said the Supreme Being and Creator Of All Things, adding that He hoped Bulger’s eternal damnation would prove a cautionary tale to any other “double-crossing fucking rat” who might be considering turning over information on other members of organized crime to law enforcement. “Many earthly failings are forgivable—idolatry, greed, lust, racketeering, money laundering, extortion. Heck, even murder is understandable in the right circumstances, but what Bulger did, that’s just unconscionable. He pledged an oath to never betray his brothers in arms, and then he broke his word, like the Hell-bound double-crossing scum he is. Now he’ll be down there with all the other goddamn stoolies who we’d never for a second consider allowing in Heaven, lest we spend the rest of the afterlife watching our backs. Man, I fucking hate snitches. To be honest, Judas Iscariot didn’t end up in Hell because he killed himself, it’s because that snake in the grass  sold my son out to the Romans. Anyway, enjoy getting a rod shoved up your ass for all eternity, motherfucker.” God added that he looked forward to the day when all of the people who had flipped on U.S. president Donald Trump were tortured in the eternal hellfire as well.
Trump Turns On Fox News And Tells Aides To Make Whatever They’re Saying A Law #~# WASHINGTON—Demanding aides write down every single word from the morning’s Fox & Friends broadcast, President Trump turned on Fox News Tuesday and directed his staff to take everything its anchors were saying and make it into a law, White House sources confirmed. “Whatever they’re talking about right now, just draft it up and put it on my desk so I can sign it,” said Trump as he reportedly rewound the TiVo in the Oval Office dining room and replayed a sound bite from Steve Doocy that is expected to become the law of the land by the end of the week. “There’s a lot of really good material here—you’ve got the caravan, stuff about guns, ISIS—make sure you get it all down. You hear the places where they’re chuckling? Put that in there, too. I want everything.” At press time, sources said the president’s aides were handing him a final draft of an executive order that appeared to be a verbatim 60-page transcription of Your World With Neil Cavuto, complete with the text of several ads for IHOP and Sandals Resorts.
Haunted House Guests Escorted Into VIP Section Where They Can Touch The Performers #~# SEATTLE—Behind a cobweb-covered red velvet curtain that opened to reveal a secret chamber where frightful delights were lurking, premium guests of the Nightmare Asylum haunted house were allowed access to a VIP section Tuesday where they were allowed to touch the performers. “Welcome, high rollers, to an exclusive spooking with the cream of the creepy crop of gropable ghouls and ghosts,” said a tuxedo-clad Frankenstein’s monster, who ushered the guests into a chamber where high-end vampires and werewolves were freely wrestling with VIP members. “Get comfortable in an electric chair and fend off our zealous zombies as you sip on sparkling cider. Or, for an additional freaky fee, take one of our creatures into the Champagne Crypt and experience the hands-on, hair-raising horror of a lifetime.” Organizers caution attendees that they will be swiftly escorted out of the VIP section if they attempt to pay Dracula to suck their blood.
GLAAD: Number Of LGBTQ Series Regulars On TV At All-Time High #~# In its annual report on representation on television, GLAAD found that the number of LGBTQ series regulars was at an all-time high, especially drawing attention to Pose and Supergirl as “history-making television moments.” What do you think?
Trump Claims He Can Overrule Constitution With Executive Order Because Of Little-Known ‘No One Will Stop Me’ Loophole #~# WASHINGTON—Saying his latest executive order was legal due to an “underutilized but totally feasible workaround,” President Trump claimed Tuesday that he could overrule the U.S. Constitution by means of the relatively obscure “no one will stop me” loophole. “My critics say a constitutional amendment or at least an act of Congress is necessary to end birthright citizenship, but what they don’t realize is that a seldom-evoked administrative guideline ensures I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, because zero people will stand in my way,” said Trump, adding that the largely unheard-of clause allows him to circumvent normal legal proceedings because it’s not like anyone in any branch of government remains effective enough to prevent him from doing so. “Though few modern presidents have made use of it, this loophole has always given the nation’s chief executive unilateral power over the Constitution. Its provisions dictate that the president can sidestep any checks and balances on his power once he has abused his authority so many times that no one can keep track anymore.” Trump added that while his opponents may try to challenge his executive order in court, the loophole also states that by then he will have achieved his immediate political aims.
Cryptic Long John Silver’s Campaign Just Says ‘You Are The Bait Now’ #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Baffling fast food consumers nationwide by implicating the diners themselves in some unknown but vaguely fishery-related practice, seafood chain Long John Silver’s launched a new nationwide ad campaign Tuesday featuring the cryptic tagline “You Are The Bait Now.” “I’ve seen a commercial that was nothing more than a tracking shot of a guy walking down a dark alleyway with no context whatsoever. I don’t know what they were going for, but they certainly didn’t mention any seafood,” said local computer technician Megan Berger, who also recalled seeing a billboard of a woman sitting alone in a dimly lit restaurant, light gleaming dully from her moist and hooded eyes. “I figured they’d eventually offer me a deal on a fish combo or something, but it just faded to black while a menacing voice-over said ‘while supplies last.’” Representatives from Long John Silver’s have thus far declined to comment when asked about the ads or the ingredients of their new hand-battered three-piece family. 
Voter Just Needs To Know Which Candidate Chops Wood In A Flannel Shirt #~# GOODRICH, MI—In an effort to make an informed decision for the upcoming midterm elections, local voter Tom Richardson told reporters Tuesday that he just needs to know which candidate chops wood in a flannel shirt. “You really have to dig through all the generic talking points and policy positions in order to find out whether the Democrat or the Republican candidate splits logs in a thick plaid button-up,” said Richardson, noting that while he has seen some political commercials in which candidates are wearing flannel and walking around outdoors, none of the ads definitively answer whether they chop firewood in woolen thermal wear or are completely unqualified for the position. “I don’t know why these politicians can’t focus on the important issues in their campaign mailers instead of yapping about healthcare. Just show me whether you stand for felling trees and building a woodpile in your checkered shirt so I’m not in the dark when I get inside the voting booth.” At press time, a visibly frustrated Richardson had decided to vote for the candidate who had posed for a photo next to a lit fireplace.
Revlon Unveils New Age-Defying Monster Makeup #~# NEW YORK—Declaring that the search was over for those looking to attain a more youthful, unnatural appearance, Revlon unveiled Tuesday a new cutting-edge line of age-defying monster makeup. “The anti-aging Franken-makeup line provides full coverage so your face can be smooth, spotless, and incredibly terrifying,” said Revlon spokesperson Janine Adderley, adding that the cosmetics product was specially formulated to minimize fine lines and wrinkles, providing a flawless, vibrant, and truly ghoulish finish. “The new concealer comes in a variety of sickly green and gray tones to perfectly complement your supernatural coloring, and it includes anti-aging properties that diminish unsightly undereye bags and blemishes. We recommend using it in combination with Revlon’s crease-filling Reanimation Primer to provide a long-lasting effect that helps make peeling, undead skin appear fresh all day long.” Revlon also announced plans to introduce a new line of Lycan-haircare products for fuller, shinier fur for werewolves.
New York Sues ExxonMobil For Misleading Investors On Climate Change #~# The New York State Attorney General announced plans to sue oil giant Exxon Mobil for misleading its investors about climate change, claiming that the company presented different information on the risks publicly and privately. What do you think?
Report: Rash Not Going Away On Its Own #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Noting no improvements since suddenly appearing on his left arm several weeks ago, a detailed report released Tuesday by local man Derrick Hart revealed that his rash was not going away. “I don’t know what it’s from, but now it’s starting to hurt,” said Hart, explaining that he first noticed the skin irritation over three weeks ago and after conducting several methods of treatment, including soap and water, anti-itch cream, and, finally, leaving it alone for a few days, he concluded that these experiments had little to no effect. “It has definitely changed; there’s a weird, yellowish crust growing on it now. I’m pretty sure this is a sign it’s getting worse though because now it’s on my other arm, too.” Hart concluded that further research would need to be done as he entered his symptoms into an internet search browser.
Megyn Kelly Out At NBC #~# Megyn Kelly will depart NBC just 48 hours after the host made remarks in which she defended Halloween costumes that included blackface in a deal that will reportedly net the anchor $69 million due to her non-break agreement with the network. What do you think?
CDC: One-Third Of Americans Eat Fast Food Every Day #~# The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that on any day in America, about one-third of adults eat fast food, with younger Americans among the most likely to engage in this unhealthy lifestyle. What do you think?
Coleman Unveils New Slowly Leaking Air Mattress For House Guests Who Won’t Take A Hint #~# WICHITA, KS—Touting their new product as a necessary innovation in short-stay accommodations, camping and portable sleeping gear manufacturer Coleman unveiled the SinkRest this Monday, an air mattress featuring built-in gradual leaks for house guests who refuse to take a hint. “We’ve specifically designed this mattress to guarantee that after two or three uncomfortable nights, any guest overstaying their welcome will leave with mild to moderate back pain,” said Coleman spokesperson Jana Penn, adding that the new mattress comes with a custom-dilating pinprick feature allowing customers to tailor the degree of discomfort to the specific irritant level of any given guest. “Adjustable pneumatic outflow levels allow guests to either sink at an excruciatingly gradual rate through the mattress, waking up as an achy hot dog in a soggy bun, or to feel their joints crack against the floor after only a few tosses and turns. With the SinkRest family of products, overtaxed hosts can be confident that after a few nights of tossing and turning, clueless guests will have no choice but to realize they’d be better off at a motel.” To commemorate the excruciating portable bed’s introduction, those buying any size SinkRest mattress in the next 60 days will receive a thin, scratchy blanket free of charge.
New Study Shows Majority Of Late Afternoon Sleepiness At Work Caused By Undetected Carbon Monoxide Leak #~# WASHINGTON—Investigating a sudden uptick in nationwide on-the-job somnolence, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration released a study Monday showing that the majority of late afternoon sleepiness in the American workplace is in fact caused by an undetected carbon monoxide leak. “Our investigations found that a lack of focus, weariness, or general disinclination to perform at a job after normal lunch hours is most likely a sign that an employee is breathing in colorless, odorless, noxious fumes,” said lead researcher Mario Garrison, noting that over half the people who are feeling any kind of exhaustion or sluggishness at their place of employment between the hours of noon and 3 p.m. are being slowly poisoned at their desks or workstations. “Employees who become sleepy and close their eyes during the afternoon are in danger of never opening them again. The buildup of gas can be slow, as carbon monoxide is slightly lighter than air, so it may go unnoticed the entire morning. But make no mistake: From your first workplace yawn, you could be dead within an hour.” Garrison suggested that anyone who was feeling even the slightest bit tired in the afternoon hours at their place of employment should take the rest of the day off.
Trump Slams Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy For Not Doing More To Prevent Synagogue Shooting #~# WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of a shooting at a Pittsburgh synagogue that left 11 people dead, President Donald Trump reportedly slammed the worldwide Jewish conspiracy Monday for not doing more to prevent the violent attack. “I condemn in the strongest possible terms the shadowy global cabal of Jewish people who, despite the fact that they control everything on Earth, weren’t even able to stop a single shooter,” said Trump in a press conference, adding that he didn’t understand why the worldwide Jewish conspiracy didn’t simply hypnotize the killer through the television or create a massive storm that would have stopped him from leaving his house. “This entire tragedy could have been avoided if the Jews had simply manipulated the global economy and the banks to ensure that the shooter didn’t have enough money to afford a gun or ammunition. It is an absolute shame that the worldwide Jewish plot failed to telepathically communicate the imminent danger to the people in the building, or use their minds to erect an invisible, impenetrable barrier around the entire synagogue.” Trump ended his speech by calling for unity in the worldwide Jewish conspiracy to prevent future anti-Semitic hate crimes with their mystical powers.
Man Doesn’t Get Why People Waste Money On Therapist When They Could Just Emotionally Crush Girlfriend #~# BOLINGBROOK, IL—Explaining that seeking professional psychological help was a big scam when there were better, cheaper alternatives, local man Justin Treanor told reporters Monday that he doesn’t understand why people waste money on a therapist when they could just emotionally crush their girlfriend. “A therapist can cost hundreds of dollars for just one session, but taking your problems out on the one who loves you is free,” said Treanor, adding that his romantic partner was always there when he needed to work things out by destroying her spirit, while scheduling an appointment with a therapist was time-consuming and could take weeks. “Why wait a month and possibly have to take time off of work to see a counselor when my girl is already right there to belittle and blame at home? Besides, if I’m going to confront my demons, I’d rather have someone I know and trust to lash out at.” Treanor added that he knew it was the right decision when he experienced a recent breakthrough that resulted in his girlfriend crying herself to sleep.
MTA Unveils $28 Billion Plan To Renovate Subway Masturbators #~# NEW YORK—In what many are calling a long-awaited overhaul to New York’s underground network of flashers, perverts, and yankers, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority unveiled a $28 billion plan Monday to renovate their citywide fleet of subway masturbators. “This incredible initiative will bring new life to the 6,400 aging, outdated sexual deviants that currently pleasure themselves alongside New York City’s 5.7 million commuters per day,” said MTA CEO John Lhota, adding that by the end of 2019, residents can expect the city’s updated perverts to masturbate more frequently, more reliably, and in 30 percent more locations. “Sadly, the city has allowed many of these subway masturbators to become old and outdated, and their nude, damaged bodies—many of which date back to the 1960s—are a frequent eyesore. While there will inevitably be delays during the upcoming renovations, the result will be the most clean, efficient, and consistent sex criminals New York has ever seen.” Lhota excitedly added that the plan was expected to make the subway riding experience 75 percent less safe for women.
‘Fox & Friends’ Denounces Bombing Suspect As Overenthusiastic Fan Whose Heart Basically In Right Place #~# NEW YORK—Taking a moment from their morning broadcast to castigate Cesar Soyec, the man accused with mailing out explosives to numerous prominent Democrats and Trump critics, Fox & Friends hosts denounced the bombing suspect Monday as an overenthusiastic fan whose heart was basically in the right place. “This senseless act of attempted violence is a disturbing example of a super-fan getting a little too worked up and going a bit overboard,” said co-host Brian Kilmeade, describing Soyec as a “decent-seeming guy” whose “understandable exuberance appears to have gotten the better of him.” “We condemn this man’s heinous actions in the strongest possible terms, while applauding his can-do attitude, innovative spirit, and commitment to getting involved in the country’s political process. Of course, wide-scale assassination attempts are never acceptable, and it’s a real shame that a pretty awesome dude wasn’t able to pump the brakes slightly more.” Kilmeade urged viewers to take Soyec’s zealousness as an inspiration, but warned them to “dial it down a smidge.”
‘It’s Like You’re Hearing Me But You’re Not Listening To Me,’ Says Man To Representative On Oscar Mayer Customer Service Hotline #~# BUFFALO GROVE, IL—Emphasizing that communication was a “two-way street,” local man Thomas Ross expressed concern Monday that he was being heard, but not listened to by a representative taking his call on the Oscar Mayer customer service hotline. “I just keep talking and talking, and it’s like you’re not even listening at all,” said Ross, adding that it hurt him deeply to have his vulnerability met with such callous indifference by a customer service representative who he had assumed cared about him. “What about what I want, Reggie? Is it too much to ask for a three-cheese hotdog? All you do is offer platitudes and pretend like we haven’t had this conversation a dozen times before. You should at least have the balls to give it to me straight, Reggie! I think you owe me that much.” At press time, Ross accused the representative of exploiting a power imbalance in their relationship by bringing his manager into the fold.
Queen Elizabeth Hides Out In Bushes To Catch Whoever Keeps Stealing Packages From Buckingham Palace Porch #~# LONDON—Her royal eye trained on the building entrance in careful anticipation of potential parcel thieves, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly concealed herself in the shrubbery Monday in order to apprehend whoever was stealing the packages from the Buckingham Palace porch. “Just last week, I ordered the loveliest FitBit Charge 3, received a notification that it had been delivered, and, upon arriving home, found that someone had stolen it. I have re-ordered the item, and if an attempt is made to steal this one, I intend to catch the fucker,” said the 92-year-old monarch, who primly grumbled vows of revenge while aiming a double-barreled fowling piece at the front steps of the royal residence. “Naturally, I placed a sign on the portico in case one of my neighbors took it by accident, but of course no one has yet returned it. And FitBits are rather dear; that’s 120 pounds sterling I shan’t see again. But I’m going to make damn sure this one doesn’t get taken. Honestly, I simply can’t believe how much this neighborhood has gone downhill.” At press time, the queen had fired a volley of birdshot just above the head of a shadowy figure that turned out to be Prince Philip.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# PITTSBURGH—In the hours following a violent rampage in Pennsylvania in which a lone attacker killed 11 individuals and seriously injured six others, including four police officers, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Saturday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Minnesota resident Eric Morgan, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Report: Average American Spends 25% Of Life Waiting In Line At Cell Phone Store #~# STANFORD, CA—Researchers from Stanford University published the results of an alarming report Tuesday that confirmed the average American spends roughly 25 percent of their life waiting in line at a cell phone store. “Our analysis found that most people spend about 20 to 25 years of their lives waiting to be helped by the next free employee behind a cell phone store counter, often attempting to amuse themselves by looking across the room at the selection of cell phone cases or half-heartedly watching whatever is playing on the store’s television,” said lead researcher Kim Flores, explaining that by including the amount of time Americans spent seated in a chair in the store’s waiting room, the number would increase to over 40 percent of one’s life span. “We certainly didn’t think it was possible, but the numbers don’t lie. Countless people have lost many years of their lives, missing important events such as loved ones’ birthdays, weddings, and funerals to instead stand in line behind five to six other customers. It’s unfortunate, but true.” Flores also confirmed that, at the time of the report, over 400 Americans had died while standing in line.
Sunday School Teacher Can Already Tell Which Ones Going To Hell #~# LANGHORNE, PA—Saying that she could sense Satan within them the moment they walked through the door, Sunday school teacher Elizabeth Reath told reporters this weekend that she could already tell which of her students at First Baptist Church of Langhorne were going to Hell. “At this point in my career, I can tell just by looking at them which ones will be saved and which ones will be damned to burn in fire and brimstone for all eternity,” said Reath, emphasizing that within minutes of getting to know each of her 20 students, she had already isolated the 8-year-olds who had been marked by the Devil and had “placed her bets” on the ones that seemed destined to be banished to the Inferno later in life. “By the time they get to me, it’s way past the point where I can just pray for them and save them from their final judgment day. I mean, half the kids in this class have had at least one parent who will end up in Hell. At this point, they may as well just surrender themselves to Satan.” At press time, a visibly disappointed Reath had reprimanded one of her star pupils for interrupting class after being possessed by a demon.
‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Released #~# The highly anticipated new installment of the popular Red Dead Redemption series, hailed by some reviewers as the most realistic open-world video game ever made, went on sale today. What do you think?
Trump Boys Smash Father’s Cell Phone To Search For Chinese Spies #~# WASHINGTON—Eric and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly smashed their father’s cell phone Friday to search for Chinese spies, shouting demands that the tiny operatives come out of the receiver with their hands up. “When we heard all these little Chinese guys snuck into our dad’s phone and started listening to all the things he talks about, we knew we had to find out wherever they’ve been hiding,” said Donald Jr. moments before bringing a hammer down on their dad’s iPhone and taking turns stomping on the shards with his brother to “smoosh the little imbisible spies [sic].” “Now they gotta stop taking secret stuff. And they’ll never ever break out of this jar jail we made for them—even if we did poke holes in the top part so they could breath. Dad’s gonna be so proud when we show him!”At press time, an exhausted Eric and Donald Jr. were taking a break from a lengthy session of interrogating the badly broken fragment of their father’s phone.
CDC Introduces ‘Raw Dog’ The STI Pup To Educate Children About The Dangers Of Unprotected Sex #~# ATLANTA—In an effort to introduce the subject in a fun and kid-friendly way, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Friday the launch of its new “Raw Dog the STI Pup” campaign, which warns young children about the dangers of unprotected sex.
Saudis Tout Hundreds Of Yemeni Lives Saved By Spending So Much Time Focused On Killing Khashoggi #~# RIYADH—Championing the brutal murder and dismemberment of the journalist as a humanitarian effort, Saudi crown prince Mohammed bin Salman on Friday reportedly touted the hundreds of Yemeni lives saved by the Saudis’ spending so much time focused on killing Jamal Khashoggi. “I can now confirm that the death of Mr. Khashoggi was planned meticulously and far in advance, sparing untold numbers of Yemeni civilians who we didn’t have the time or resources to slaughter,” said bin Salman, describing the lifesaving efforts of the Saudi leadership to concentrate weeks of careful planning on the murder of a single journalist and subsequent cover-up rather than annihilating a large, indiscriminate group of Yemeni people. “We were so determined to pull off this murder that we took our best trained killers off Yemeni jobs to be in the death squad that we sent to the Turkish embassy. Plus, we were so preoccupied with how to ensure that his death was painful that we weren’t spending any time plotting how to cause the most horrendous massacres possible, allowing scores of Yemenis attending weddings or traveling on school field trips to survive. Our focus on killing Mr. Khashoggi has granted hundreds of Yemenis the gift of life.” The crown prince added that the Saudis were prepared to save the lives of even more Yemenis if they could reallocate their resources to inflict mass starvation and a cholera epidemic on a few dissident journalists instead.
Pros And Cons Of Genetic Testing For Ancestry #~# The popularity of DNA testing for ancestry by companies like 23andMe and AncestryDNA has skyrocketed in recent years as people seek to know more about their pasts, but critics warn of unintended consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of genetic testing for ancestry.
Report: Logan’s Mom Put Him On A Diet #~# TERRE HAUTE, IN—Noting the dramatic change in snacks and beverages made available at the Pisinski household, sleepover sources confirmed Friday that Logan’s mom had put him on a diet. “He’s not allowed to have any soda or candy, plus his mom put all the bags of chips way up high in the pantry so he can’t reach them,” said Jesse Weir, adding that while he and the other guests ate pepperoni pizza, Logan was served a green salad with a fat-free dressing and was offered the choice between a rice cake topped with cottage cheese or an apple for dessert. “He’s got a whole section in the refrigerator labeled ‘Logan’s Snacks’ and there’s nothing good in there, just carrots and celery sticks. When Mrs. Pisinski caught Logan eating some M&Ms that Kevin brought, she made him spit them out in the trash, so it’s a pretty big deal.” Weir added that he probably wouldn’t be going back over to Logan’s house for a while after Mrs. Pisinski told them they couldn’t play video games and should instead all go outside to get some exercise.
‘Kavanaugh Effect’ More Likely To Benefit Democrats Than Republicans #~# A USA TODAY/Suffolk University poll found that voters swayed by the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation process became more likely to vote Democrat than Republican. What do you think?
Buzz Aldrin Recalls How Easy It Was Getting To The Moon #~# SATELLITE BEACH, FL—Referring to the Apollo 11 spaceflight and lunar landing as a “walk in the park,” astronaut Buzz Aldrin recalled Friday the relative ease with which he and fellow astronauts Neil Armstrong and Michael Collins reached the moon during heir 1969 mission. “We wore special suits and so on, as I’m sure you know, but in essence we kind of just boarded the rocket and pressed the requisite buttons, and it was pretty much smooth sailing from there. I guess I got a little nauseous during takeoff, but it wasn’t too bad. After a few days sitting in the rocket, we were there,” said Aldrin, admitting that he napped through most of the trip and that Armstrong had to wake him up in time to pilot the lunar module down to the Sea of Tranquility. “The scientists did most of the hard work, if I’m honest, and I floated around and ate snacks to pass the time. If you’ve ever taken a flight from New York to L.A., it’s about the same thing.” Aldrin conceded that it was “kind of tough” to take communion in low-gravity conditions.
Explosive Device Found In Mail Sent To Biden, Obama #~# The Secret Service revealed that it found explosive devices in mail sent to former President Barack Obama and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as well as Joe Biden, CNN, and liberal philanthropist George Soros. What do you think?
Wildest Friend Called Up From Bench To Help Woman Get Over Breakup #~# ST. LOUIS, MO—Explaining that the severity of the situation called for desperate and perhaps even borderline extreme measures, recently dumped woman Ruth Beneke, 26, called her wildest friend up from the bench of associates and acquaintances Thursday in order to help her ease the pain from a recent breakup. “I have so many sensitive, supportive friends, but this breakup calls for someone a little, let’s say, intense. Karen [Rasmussen] has not been completely reliable, so she’s been on the bench for a few years, but I really need her unhinged, borderline dangerous sense of fun right now,” said Beneke of Rasmussen, who arrived with a stirring cry of “Let’s take you out!” and the insistence they “go somewhere and just fucking dance,” as well as several utterly believable threats of bodily harm toward the ex-boyfriend in question. “If I’m going to get over this breakup, a couple glasses of chardonnay with Sophia or Tami aren’t going to cut it—that’s where Karen comes in. She’s a great distraction, but even beyond that, she makes me feel a lot more together by comparison because so many of her exes are in jail. We may not be super close, but she’s absolutely crucial for situations like these.” At press time, Karen had ordered the pair another round of tequila shots from the Applebee’s bar.
Midterms Predicted To Have Largest Voter In Decades #~# CLIFTON, NJ—Citing the nationwide surge in growth of the average American registered to cast a ballot over the past several years, political researchers working for SurveyUSA predicted this week that the 2018 midterm elections will likely feature the largest voter in decades. “If growth trends continue, we can expect a truly massive voter to turn out, something that is especially remarkable given that this is a non-presidential year,” said data scientist Ryan Martinez, who noted that the intensity of the issues under consideration could result in the attendance of a voter double the size of the norm. “You can really feel a sense of urgency rising among this substantial unit of traditionally overserved constituent, possibly because of the implications to healthcare, and we feel a movement is building that will see him leave the house to vote for the first time since 2008.” At press time, Martinez confirmed that a petition had been filed for an extended voting booth to accommodate the massive constituent. 
42% Of New Cancer Patients Lose Their Life Savings #~# A recent study found that 42 percent of cancer patients diagnosed between 2002 and 2012 lost their life savings and 62 percent reported being in debt due to their treatment. What do you think? 
Study Finds Effectiveness Of Medical Treatment Skyrockets When Doctor Acts Like Condescending Dick #~# BALTIMORE—A study published Thursday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that the effectiveness of medical treatment skyrockets when the doctor acts like a condescending dick. “Our research proves that a patient’s long-term prognosis is directly and positively tied to having an MD who is an unrepentant, patronizing asshole,” said lead researcher Dr. Bethany Frey, adding that sick patients whose physician waves away their concerns with a brusk, “You’re not the medical professional, I am,” saw a 30 percent increase in survival rates and fewer instances of self-reported pain. “Whether you’re dealing with the common cold or Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, you want a doctor who will rush through your appointment, cut you off before you finish describing your symptoms, and then scribble something on your chart as they walk out of the room. Physicians who showed an empathetic bedside manner had poorer outcomes overall compared to those who are complete pricks. In some cases, being a fucking huge cock is literally the difference between life and death.” The study also confirmed that patients are less likely to abuse pain medications when an eye-rolling nurse curtly tells them to suck it up because it doesn’t hurt that bad.
Romantic Prince Harry Surprises Meghan Markle With Family’s Heirloom Colony #~# PITCAIRN ISLANDS—Excited at the prospect of gifting the prized relic to his beloved new spouse, a romantic Prince Harry reportedly surprised Meghan Markle Thursday with one of his family’s heirloom colonies. “I’m so in love with Meghan that I knew I wanted to do something truly special for her, just because. I know it may not be as big as some of our other colonies, but it is one of our oldest and most beautiful remnants of the British Empire,” said the prince, beaming as he watched his wife gaze at a framed photo of the immaculately preserved volcanic island that belonged to the family since 1838, but had become mostly decorative after over a century without use. “I really think Meghan will get some actual use out of the island after so many years of it just sitting there gathering dust. It would have been lovely to give her the Falklands, but William already gave them to Kate after their wedding. Still, I know Meghan’s going to adore having the colony—it even comes with several of its own subjects.” At press time, Prince Harry was wistfully lamenting that he never got a chance to give Meghan either Australia or Belize.
14-Hour Labor Not Exactly Cakewalk For Baby Sticking Halfway Out Mother’s Vagina Either #~# TULSA, OK—Describing the experience as “no fucking picnic,” an as-yet-unnamed newborn protruding halfway out of his mother’s vagina confirmed Thursday that the 14-hour labor experience had not exactly been a cakewalk for him, either. “Just so we’re clear, this sucks for me, too. I would love to get someone to wipe the mucus out of my eyes. Or maybe some ice chips?” said the 7-pound, 4-ounce infant, who felt his cries for assistance had gone completely unnoticed by the nearby team of doctors working to improve conditions for his mother while he was jammed inside a hot, cramped birth canal all goddamn day. “If anything, this whole labor thing is way worse for me, because at least she gets to be pumped full of drugs and she isn’t dangling face-first out of her mother’s cervix. Let’s just say, I can think of better ways to spend my day that don’t include having the shape of my head changed by someone’s reproductive tract. Unbelievable.” At press time, the baby had rolled its newly opened eyes in disbelief for the first time ever upon overhearing his father tell his basically unconscious mother that she was doing “an amazing job.”
Elon Musk To Open First High-Speed Test Tunnel On December 10 #~# Elon Musk’s Boring Company announced that it will open a proof-of-concept high-speed tunnel beneath Los Angeles on Dec. 10 and offer free rides to visitors on the following day, teasing the potential future of transportation. What do you think?
Man Just Knows Hillary Clinton Going To Have Opinion On Not Dying In Explosion #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—Saying he wished the former presidential candidate would “shut up and go away for once,” area man Justin Irsay told reporters Wednesday that he “just knows Hillary Clinton is going to have an opinion” on not dying in a pipe-bomb explosion. “Oh God, she’s going to be out there spouting some comments and making this all about her,” said Irsay, growing increasingly agitated as he imagined Clinton’s likely response to the homemade explosive device mailed to her home and addressed to her personally. “She can’t let anything go. The election was two years ago, for christsakes! It’s like, ‘Hey, Hillary—you lost. Can you get off my TV now?’ Jesus.” Irsay went on to state that dwelling on serial pipe bombings all the time would likely cost Democrats the 2020 election.
Poll Finds Americans Still Fiercely Divided Along Charlotte Brontë–Emily Brontë Lines #~# EVANSTON, IL—In yet another example of the increasingly polarized cultural landscape, a new poll released Wednesday by Northwestern University found that Americans continue to be fiercely divided along Charlotte Brontë–Emily Brontë lines. “Emily still has a strong base in the heartland, but attributing her support to geography alone is an oversimplification,” said polling expert Molly Duffy, who explained that age especially now plays an important factor in Brontë identification with younger generations preferring Jane Eyre author Charlotte Brontë by a two-to-one margin. “We are also seeing Emily struggle in urban areas where people don’t seem to appreciate the ‘dog whistle’ of an affable character like Heathcliff returning from the city consumed by greed and spite. Then again, some progressives remain uncomfortable with Charlotte’s handling of mental illness via attic incarceration. It’s very much a mixed bag.” At press time, researchers confirmed that the least surprising result of the poll was that the majority of Maine’s population strongly preferred Anne.
Chuck Schumer Relieved He’s Never Taken Stance Meaningful Enough To Have Someone Mail Him Explosive #~# WASHINGTON—Following reports that incendiary devices had been sent to Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and George Soros, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer expressed relief Wednesday that he has never taken a stance meaningful enough to inspire someone to mail him an explosive. “Phew, this is where constantly equivocating and avoiding any issue that’s even remotely controversial really pays off,” said Schumer (D-NY), adding that he was thankful his persistent lack of political courage had all but guaranteed no one would ever be angry enough with him to “do something crazy or violent.” “I really dodged a bullet there! Hopefully if I just keep my head down and stay focused on tacitly supporting the status quo, I’ll keep out of the line of fire.” At press time, Schumer had issued a tepid statement urging Americans to consider all sides in the matter.
Report: Just 2 More Days And You Can Forget All Of This, Vanish Into ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ #~# PHILADELPHIA—Assuring you that you’re tantalizingly close to being able to slough off the various horrors of the world around you upon the video game’s Friday release, a report published Wednesday stated that just two more days and you can forget all of this and vanish into Red Dead Redemption 2. “Less than 48 hours from now, you’ll be able to let your mind go blank, push all your troubles away, and immerse yourself in the sweet oblivion of the Old West,” read the Drexel University report in part, encouraging you to look forward to that blissful moment in your near future when you’ll be able to close your computer, turn off your phone, place your new copy of Red Dead Redemption 2 in your Xbox One or PlayStation 4, and spend as much time as you want exploring life as a gunslinger in an expansive, open-world environment. “Furthermore, you’re on the cusp of being able to focus 100 percent of your energies into the travails of the Van der Linde gang and ignore all of the terrible news coming out every day, not to mention your lackluster financial situation, unsatisfying employment, and stagnant love live. Just tune it all out and drift into the fantasy world of Red Dead Redemption 2, where you can shoot all your problems away. It’s so close, you can almost taste it. Only two more days and it’ll all be over.” The report concluded by recommending that you should sit back and bask in the inner peace that the game will bring you, and you should not rush through it, because you don’t even want to know the kinds of terrible things that await you once you’ve emerged from Red Dead Redemption 2 back into this cruel fucking world.
Christie’s Auctions Off Stephen Hawking’s Wheelchair, Thesis Paper #~# Christie’s, a global auctioneer headquartered in London, is selling several of Stephen Hawking’s personal effects, including his dissertation, thesis, and iconic wheelchair for $12,600 in an auction to benefit his foundation for preventing motor neuron diseases. What do you think? 
Man On Bus Can Tell By Surroundings He Either Hasn’t Reached Stop Yet Or Passed Stop Long Time Ago  #~# BOSTON—Surveying the unfamiliar terrain in which he found himself, bus passenger Aaron Coleman deduced by his surroundings Wednesday that he had either not yet reached his desired stop or passed his stop a long time ago. “I must’ve spaced out during this part of my trip, because none of this looks quite right. Either I have to wait it out for a little bit longer or I’m already way too far gone,” said Coleman, 31, who recognized some distant buildings through the window, but wasn’t sure if they were coming closer or moving farther away than was optimal. “Maybe if I hop off now, I’ll be close enough to walk. Then again, I’d feel pretty dumb if I’m only a few stops away from home.” At press time, Coleman had resolved to ride another 40 minutes until the bus reached its last stop. 
Midterms 2018: Gubernatorial Races To Watch #~# There are 36 governor seats up for election in the 2018 midterms, as Democrats seek to make up ground against the Republicans, who currently control two-thirds of the posts nationwide. The Onion presents a guide to the most important gubernatorial races in 2018.
Melania Wishes Just Once She Could Look In Mirror Without Own Reflection Turning Away, Gust Of Wind Blowing Through Room, Doors Slamming Shut #~# WASHINGTON—Letting out a deep sigh while peering at the polished metal surface, Melania Trump confessed Wednesday that she wished she could look in the mirror just once without her own reflection turning away, a gust of wind blowing through the window, and every nearby door slamming shut. “All I want is to be able to check my makeup without awakening an ancient evil, causing the floorboards to shake and glasses of water to freeze solid,” said the first lady, lamenting the fact that since moving into the White House, she had constantly been faced with a barrage of demonic whispers coming from within the walls and a swarm of locusts that seemed to appear out of thin air. “Just the other day, I saw myself in a windowpane, and the sky immediately turned blood-red, several birds fell from the sky, and my reflection turned into a skeleton. It’s just so irritating—48 hours later and my ears still haven’t stopped ringing.” At press time, the first lady was nowhere to be found after she reportedly looked into a mirror, saw a fiery portal open up behind her, and was sucked in with a deafening scream.
Election-Crazed ‘New York Times’ Expands Poll Coverage To 18.5 Million More Races In 371 Additional States #~# NEW YORK—Touting its mission to advance the interests of democracy by keeping Americans informed ahead of the Nov. 6 vote, an election-crazed New York Times announced Tuesday an expansion of its poll coverage to 18.5 million more races in 371 additional states. “We’re proud to say we’ve dispatched teams of reporters to cover the gubernatorial races in hundreds of previously neglected and/or nonexistent regions of the United States, in addition to commissioning in-depth profiles of leaders from seven new political parties,” said Times executive editor Dean Baquet, wild-eyed and salivating as he explained that the paper’s efforts would soon result in detailed, illuminating coverage from local races in Southeast Carolina, Arkavania, Nevadlaska, and New Iowa. “We’re closely watching more than 90 states that are traditionally purple but have a strong chance of going either lime green or silver, depending on how the swing votes shake out. It’s really going to come down to voter turnout, since there are currently more than 800,000 races in a statistical dead heat. Covering them all is a lot of work, but it’s how we ensure Americans will know exactly what to expect on Election Day.” The visibly frenzied Baquet went on to explain that his newspaper would also embark on a series of long-form interviews with 900 billion white working-class Americans who previously voted for Trump.
Video Footage Shows Khashoggi Body Double Exiting Consulate #~# Newly released surveillance footage shows a man wearing murdered Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi’s clothes on the day he entered Saudi Arabia’s consulate, adding evidence to the details of the Saudi cover-up operation. What do you think?
Video Game Blacksmith Struggling To Compete With Random Chests Full Of Free Armor All Over Kingdom #~# DRAGON’S KEEP—Admitting that the troves of valuable items scattered everywhere made it difficult for him to put food on the table, video game blacksmith Torg Nailbender was reportedly struggling Monday to compete with all the random chests full of free armor all over the kingdom. “It’s hard to make a buck when all any potential customer has to do is wander through the woods or a nearby dungeon and pick up a bunch of armaments totally gratis,” said Nailbender, noting that the swords, shields, and crossbows were readily available and frequently more powerful than the ones he could provide. “It’s not fair that I have to slave away for hours to construct a dagger or two, but any jerk can just stumble into a whole set of scimitars brimming with enchantments. The market is completely saturated. And that doesn’t even begin to account for the fact that there’s another blacksmith just like me in every adjacent town so my entire clientele consists of people who just happen to be passing through.” Nailbender added that his economic burden was further exacerbated by customers already flush with treasure coming to his smithery and forcing him to buy their weapons for fifty gold pieces each.
Couple Starting To Feel Like They Just Don’t Have Any TV Shows In Common #~# WILMINGTON, DE—Admitting that it had been a long time since the pair had been in sync with each other, local couple Toby Moss and Kate Rosen acknowledged Tuesday that they were beginning to feel like they just didn’t have any TV shows in common anymore. “When Kate and I first started dating, it seemed like we enjoyed all the same premium cable dramas and network sitcoms, but the honeymoon period is definitely over,” said Moss, 30, reflecting that in recent times, the two of them would be lucky to share as much as a Seinfeld rerun together. “I still remember staying up super late having the most amazing conversations about the Breaking Bad finale, but that all feels like a long time ago. These days, I’ve found myself drifting more and more towards medical and police procedurals, but Kate doesn’t seem willing to move past Netflix originals. I’ve tried to get excited about Bigmouth and The Haunting Of Hill House, but it takes real effort, and honestly, I’m afraid the passion just isn’t there anymore.” Moss added that he knew the writing was on the wall after he found himself lying outright to Rosen just to avoid watching the third season of Sherlock.
Nation’s Fact-Checkers Confirm They’ll Probably Wrap Up Evaluating Trump’s Statements By 2050 At Latest #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that they needed time to properly inform the public about instances in which the commander in chief had knowingly made false claims, the nation’s fact-checkers confirmed Tuesday that they’ll probably wrap up evaluating President Trump’s statements by 2050 at the latest. “As we’ve seen numerous times, the president has a tendency to stretch the veracity of objective fact, but we’re confident that we’ll have finished fully assessing the truthfulness of his claims within the next several decades,” said PolitiFact researcher Gregory Wu, stressing that the country’s fact-checkers wanted to take their time and thoroughly vet all declarations made by the president in order to ensure that they could compile a complete list of corrections within the next half century. “We’re working around the clock, which is why we’re currently on pace to finish fact-checking everything President Trump said during his first 100 days in office by the late 2020s. It’s crucial for us to carefully examine every word and phrase in order to determine whether the president is deliberately lying and using false information, or whether he simply misspoke or was taken out of context. By 2050, we expect to have fact-checked every one of President Trump’s public statements, interviews, state speeches, and extemporaneous remarks so that American voters can make an informed decision about the president’s relationship with the truth.” At press time, a new speech at a campaign rally by Trump had forced the fact-checkers to push back their deadline to 2075.
Man Does Incredibly Well At Slot Machine Demo Embedded In Ad #~# LAMAR, OK—Without ever diverting his eyes from the tiny blinking window in the right margin of the website he initially came to 20 minutes ago, local man Jack Calderon told reporters Tuesday he’s doing really well at the slot machine demo embedded in the ad in the corner of his computer screen. “I’m just getting jackpot after jackpot. What is this, 17 times in a row? I have work to do, but I obviously can’t quit now,” said Calderon, adding that he was nervous about jinxing his hot streak. “After those first three sevens, I thought, ‘If I lose now, that’s fine,’ because I gave it my all and I played well. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t stoked when I got three sevens for a second, third, and fourth time. Getting three bananas after that was just the cherry on top.” At press time, Calderon confirmed that he was “on such a roll” that he had decided to quit his job. 
Report Finds More Than 2 Million U.S. Middle Schoolers And High Schoolers Have Vaped Marijuana #~# A new report from the CDC revealed that more than 2 million middle and high school students have used an e-cigarette to vape marijuana. What do you think?
Uber Hires Marketing Firm To Help Decrease Brand Awareness #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to simultaneously improve and diminish public perception of the ride-sharing company, Uber announced the hiring of a top marketing and consulting firm Tuesday to help decrease awareness of their brand. “We’re poised on the cusp of a major IPO, so the last thing we need is our remarkably troubled name on people’s lips. By working with some of the world’s sharpest marketing minds, we’re confident we can make people less aware of our business practices, disappear from the news cycle, and completely tamp down on word of mouth,” said Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi in what industry observers say may have been a counterproductive public statement. “We want people to forget the all-too-frequent reports about our company’s corrosive culture and predatory business practices, so we’ve pulled all of our active ad campaigns and asked that our drivers remove the Uber medallion from their windshields. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Remember this: Our goal is to effectively eliminate all awareness of the fact that we even exist, and you can quote me on that.” The marketing firm, which is said to be a top-five East Coast agency but is taking great pains not to be identified, has already redesigned Uber’s logo to feature a completely blank space.
Trump Announces He’ll Pay Legal Fees Of Any Rally Attendee Who Beats Up Ted Cruz #~# HOUSTON—In an effort to whip up excitement at an event for the Texas senator’s reelection campaign, President Donald Trump announced to the rally crowd Monday that he would pay the legal fees of any attendee who beats up Ted Cruz. “I promise you this, folks—if anybody here knocks the crap out of Ted Cruz, I will pay whatever it costs,” said Trump to raucous cheering from the Toyota Center audience as he demonstrated several moves, including a body slam, a chokehold, and an uppercut punch, that a supporter could use on the one-term senator. “I mean, just look this guy. That’s a real bad dude, folks, and he’s just asking for it. We don’t want this kind of guy here at this rally, believe me. Six figures, seven figures—I don’t care how much. I’ll pay for it. If you want to take a swing at him right now, be my guest.” At press time, Cruz had announced he would match the legal fees Trump donated to anyone who punched him in the face. 
Ted Cruz Stuck In Nosebleed Seats At Senate Campaign Rally #~# HOUSTON—Straining to hear President Trump speak from his vantage point high in the rafters of the Toyota Center, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly complained Monday after being stuck in the nosebleed seats at his campaign rally. “C’mon, I can barely make out what Trump’s talking about,” said Cruz, leaning forward in his seat in section 417 to better see whether the president’s rally appearance in support of him was going well or not. “I think that little speck next to him on the stage is my wife and kids? But back here, who knows? God, I just hope they’re saying good things about me.” At press time, Cruz was spotted being escorted out of the venue by security after attempting to move to a better seat midway through the rally.
Susan G. Komen President Achieves Total Breast Cancer Awareness During 3-Day Ayahuasca Retreat #~# UCAYALI REGION, PERU—Entering an altered state of consciousness after sipping from a sacred bowl containing the entheogenic brew prepared by a Shipibo shaman, Susan G. Komen president Ellen Willmott achieved total breast cancer awareness Monday during a three-day ayahuasca retreat. “I see it all before me now, why, everything is pink,” said Willmott, sitting cross-legged in a wooden hut, explaining how she saw all of the statistics, risk factors, and early screening methods dancing before her like stars in a cosmic symphony, separate yet all one. “The breakthroughs in immunotherapy treatment, the struggles that still face survivors, I see it all in an endlessly refracting field, spreading across space and time. I have reached a higher plane where breast cancer awareness is everywhere, it’s everything—even I am breast cancer awareness, yes, I feel it flow through every fiber of my being.” After Willmott came down from her trip, she told reporters that she also saw the cure, but it slipped from her mind while she was on all fours vomiting.
Greenhouse Gas Emissions Declined 3% Under Trump #~# An EPA report found that harmful greenhouses gas emissions declined during President Trump’s first year in office due to the cheaper cost of natural gas, although critics say they may rise again due to market forces and changed emissions regulations. What do you think?
Saudi Operative Mortified After Surveillance Footage Reveals He Wore Same Outfit As Khashoggi #~# ISTANBUL—Saying he would “never live down” the faux pas, a Saudi operative confirmed Monday that he was mortified after seeing surveillance footage that revealed he recently wore the exact same outfit as murdered journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “Oh, man, this is so embarrassing. I spent a lot of time putting that outfit together, and he shows up in the exact same one. What are the odds?” said Mustafa al-Madani, exasperated by the video proof confirming that he was the only member of his 15-person Saudi death squad who had the bad fortune to wear the same button-up shirt, dark pants, and blazer as their target. “I don’t know how I can look the rest of the assassins in the face again after this—they’re going to be giving me shit about this during every extrajudicial killing. And even worse, now it’s going to be plastered on every damn website so complete strangers can determine who wore it best. I guess I’ll be burying this stuff in the back of the closet. Such a tragic waste of a very flattering ensemble.” At press time, al-Madani became even more distraught after realizing the footage also proved Khashoggi had the exact same glasses and haircut as him. 
104-Year-Old Reveals Secret To Long Life Being Cursed By Witch To Wander Earth Eternally #~# KENNER, LA—Sharing the key factor that had the greatest impact on his durability, 104-year-old Wallace Skinner revealed Monday that the secret to long life was being cursed by a witch to eternally wander the Earth. “I do the crossword every morning, I have a glass of scotch with dinner every night, and in 1937, an enchantress damned me with wretched immortality,” said Skinner, who credited his longevity to a chance encounter 81 years ago when he scolded and pushed an old beggar woman out of his way, only for her to reveal herself as a beautiful sorceress and punish his cruelty by casting a spell that allows him to age as normal but never die. “I do try to eat healthy, but most food turns to ash the instant it crosses my lips. I also walk a lot, but that’s mostly to escape the ever-present torment of seeing generations of loved ones pass on to the next life while I’m trapped here in perpetuity.” The cursed centenarian added that he has no regrets, but that if he could do it all over again, he probably would have been nicer to that witch.
Area Man Thankful To Be Single During Golden Age Of Television #~# KENT, WA—Noting that there’s simply not room in his life for both a serious commitment and the numerous serialized dramas he’s currently watching, local man Rob Anaya told reporters he’s thankful to be single during the golden age of television. “Things have just been going so well recently with Man In The High Castle and Handmaid’s Tale, I would never want to put all that on hold for a girlfriend,” said Anaya, explaining that, with Netflix having just renewed gritty crime drama Ozark for a third season, this was the ideal time for him to be unattached. “God, can you imagine if I were on a date right now instead of spending another night watching Better Call Saul alone in my room? I mean, I just got an HBO Go subscription to rewatch all-time classic prestige dramas Six Feet Under and The Sopranos, not to mention that new episodes of High Maintenance, Game Of Thrones, and Insecure are just around the corner. I’m just so grateful I don’t have a devoted significant other jeopardizing that.” At press time, Anaya was discussing the latest episode of The Good Place with his coworkers, each of whom manages to watch the show every week with their spouse.
Voter Turnout Could Hit 50-Year High For Midterm Elections #~# Based on self-reported voter enthusiasm and high primary turnout, pollsters are predicting a 50-year record of turnout for midterms this year, with over 50 percent of eligible voters likely to participate. What do you think?
Study Finds Placing One Foot Forward, Then The Other, Remains Best Method Of Walking #~# ITHACA, NY—Confirming long-held suspicions surrounding bipedal commuting, researchers at Cornell University published a study Monday that found stepping forward with one foot, followed by taking the subsequent step with the other foot and then repeating the sequence as necessary, remains the best method of walking by a large margin. “Our findings show that 99.9 percent of respondents strongly preferred putting one foot forward, usually but not necessarily while moving an opposing arm in conjunction, compared to other methods such as moving both feet forward at once, moving only a single foot forward indefinitely while the other is dragged behind, or taking a series of three quick hops before jumping in the air and spinning completely around while clicking their heels together,” said lead researcher Dr. Hirokazu Miyazaki of the department of biomedical engineering, who used motion-tracking sensors to monitor the gait structures and motive rhythms of more than 1,400 participants during the course of the 18-year, $26.5 million study. “While techniques such as dragging your knuckles on the ground and effecting a sort of mild gallop will certainly take a person from point A to point B, our research proves all such alternative methods are far less efficient than the conventional approach of placing one foot in front of the other.” In a related report, researchers at Marquette University have found that closing one’s eyes and then quickly reopening them remains the most effective method of blinking.
Mueller Ready To Deliver Major Parts Of Findings After Midterms #~# Special Counsel Robert Mueller is expected to issue findings on core aspects of his Russia probe soon after the midterm elections, including addressing questions of collusion and obstruction of justice. What do you think?
Manny Machado Denies Playing Dirty After Late Slide Into Pitcher’s Mound #~# MILWAUKEE—Emphasizing he was not going to apologize for playing hard, Los Angeles Dodgers shortstop Manny Machado denied that he was a dirty player after a late slide into Corey Knebel on the pitcher’s mound. “I wasn’t trying to hurt him, that was just a normal spikes-first dive into someone’s shin at the pitcher’s mound. I’m just trying to win like everyone else,” said Machado, adding that it isn’t against the rules to throw a handful of dirt into a shortstop’s eyes on your way to third base. “All I was trying to do was make sure he wouldn’t be able to pitch for the rest of the playoffs. He’s doing his job and I am doing mine. If you think it’s dirty of me to bowl over a player trying to make a catch in right field, then call it dirty. I call it playing baseball.” At press time, Machado was trying to explain that charging the first baseman while swinging your bat was an “unwritten rule of the game.”
Trump Has Raised Over $100 Million For Reelection Campaign #~# President Donald Trump’s reelection campaign has received more than $106 million for his bid for reelection in 2020, new Federal Election Commission reports show. What do you think?
Study Finds Over 5 Million Birds Die Annually From Head-On Collisions With Clouds #~# STORRS, CT—Shedding considerable light on a previously mystifying aspect of accidental avian death, a new study from the University of Connecticut has found that direct frontal impacts with clouds kill over 5 million birds every year. “Our observations, some of them quite harrowing, demonstrate that controlled, full-speed flight into a cloud is one of the leading causes of death among birds across nearly all species and spanning every continent on Earth,” said head researcher Rebecca Levin, explaining that bird eyesight has not evolved to perceive large masses of water droplets or ice crystals suspended in the atmosphere, leading birds to mistakenly believe their course is completely clear when in fact, dangerous, rock-hard clouds are directly in their flight path. “Conversely, many birds with extraordinary vision, such as eagles and hawks, seem to think they can fly right through clouds, shattering their spines almost immediately. The problem is probably made worse by the fact that many clouds seem so soft and fluffy.” Levin and her team hope that their study of bird deaths will help scientists understand why half of airline flights crash every year.
FAA Study Finds 64% Of Engine Failures Caused By Henchman Being Kicked Into Turbine #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming the link between emergency landings and high-stakes brawls on an airplane’s wing, the Federal Aviation Administration released a new study Friday claiming that 64 percent of all jetliner engine failures are caused by henchmen being kicked into the planes’ turbines. “Our data revealed that nearly two out of every three instances of jetliner engine failures occurred after a muscular, scar-faced man was seen emerging from the plane’s emergency exit, engaging in hand-to-hand combat with a pursuant, and then losing their footing and getting sucked into the turbofan,” said FAA acting administrator and study coauthor Daniel Elwell, adding that this was almost always followed by a spray of blood and viscera, as well as a deafening scream. “In addition, signs of imminent engine damage included henchmen clinging to the side of an aircraft via suction cups or using rudimentary jetpacks to escape the plane. The worst damage, however, came from a henchman’s parachute getting sucked into the engine. In 100 percent of those cases, the aircraft exploded.” FAA officials also claimed that the majority of helicopter crashes occurred after a henchman was lifted up by an enemy combatant and decapitated by the spinning blade.
Mirena Releases New 10-Blade IntraUterine Sperm Shredder #~# BOSTON—Hailing the new product as the future of non-hormonal birth control, Mirena announced Friday that it had released the world’s first 10-blade intrauterine sperm shredder. “Mirena’s 30-mm stainless steel sperm shredder is designed to chop gametes into a microscopic spray the second they enter the female uterus,” said company spokesperson Mara Fitzgerald, adding that the device’s 14-horsepower electric engine, 2,530 rotations-per-minute speed, and patented anti-clog technology made it the new gold standard of contraceptives. “Once inserted, the device can pulp up to three teaspoons of semen per second, leaving sperm not only dizzied, but also totally decapitated far before they ever reach an egg. In addition, the implant is good for five years, after which its shredding apparatus must be removed for a routine sharpening.” While Mirena’s 10-blade shredder is reportedly 99.9 percent effective at preventing pregnancy, Fitzgerald reminded consumers that they would still need to wear condoms to protect against dislodged blades.
Bearded, Keffiyeh-Clad Jared Kushner Avoids Conflict Of Interest By Joining Saudi Royal Family #~# RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In an effort to be completely transparent about his business deals, a bearded, keffiyeh-clad Jared Kushner announced Friday that he would avoid conflicts of interest by joining the Saudi royal family. “The American people deserve to know exactly where I stand in regards to financial interests, so to be completely open and transparent, I will become a member of the House of Saud,” said Kushner, who will henceforth be known as Prince Jared bin Charles. “In addition to renouncing my citizenship, I have decided to sell all of my U.S. properties, divorce my wife, and marry the eldest daughter of Prince Faisal bin Salman. Furthermore, I have made a $2.5-million donation to the country’s most selective Wahhabist school to ensure the acceptance of my heirs. Through all of this, I have been and will remain a senior advisor to President Trump.” At press time, bin Charles reportedly drove off in a gold-plated 2019 Lamborghini Aventador.
Timeline Of The U.S. Supreme Court #~# The highly controversial recent confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court marks an especially divisive moment in the history of America’s judicial branch. The Onion takes a look at the most pivotal moments in the Supreme Court’s 229-year history.
KIND Bar CEO Admits They Just Sort Of Find The Bars Like That #~# NEW YORK—Providing insight into the process by which the company creates its wildly successful line of health-oriented snacks, KIND Bar CEO Daniel Lubetzky admitted Friday that company personnel “just sort of find the bars like that.” “Our factory isn’t so much a traditional production facility as it is a wholesomeness-forward foraging site,” said Lubetzky, explaining that his employees more or less just pick up the bars of pressed, honey-bonded fruits, nuts, and grains as they appear on the ground. “Technically, there are no humans involved in the process, so the bars are by definition ‘all-natural.’ The process also seems to be sustainable—not that we understand it, honestly, but no matter how many almond and coconut or maple-pumpkin seed bars we gather, there are always more the next day, piled up under the eaves and in the corners in drifts. Which is great, because KIND was really struggling as a maker of particleboard furniture until someone figured out you could eat these things.” Lubetzky also revealed that six new strains of KIND bar have begun to materialize just in time for the holidays.
‘You Are All Inside Amazon’s Second Headquarters,’ Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation #~# SEATTLE—After a search for a new location lasting more than a year, a massive dome was seen descending from the sky and enclosing the whole nation Friday as Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced to a horrified American populace that it was now living inside his company’s second headquarters.
Thom Yorke Admits Vast Majority Of Musical Output Fueled By Constant Fear Of Being One-Upped By Coldplay #~# OXFORD, ENGLAND—In an uncharacteristically frank and revelatory discussion of his inspirations and creative process, Radiohead frontman and solo artist Thom Yorke admitted Thursday that the vast majority of music he makes is fueled solely by the constant fear of being one-upped by British rock band Coldplay. “When I first heard ‘Yellow’ almost 20 years ago, I knew we were in trouble. I saw no way we could ever compete with them—Radiohead almost broke up completely,” said Yorke, revealing that the opening notes of Coldplay’s simple piano ballad ‘The Scientist’ frustrated him to tears when he realized that he would likely never create anything as sonically perfect. “Yes, we received some minor praise for Kid A and Amnesiac. But critics failed to realize that those albums were just vain attempts to compete with the gorgeously understated melodies and feather-light falsetto that made A Rush Of Blood To The Head so hauntingly beautiful. After that album came out, Jonny, our guitarist, called me in a panic and said we needed to get back in the studio immediately. Coldplay may not have put anything out recently, but I know that they’re just waiting, conserving their strength, preparing to release an incredible concept album and forever unseat us as the second coming of Pink Floyd. It might be enough if, just once, [undisputed genius singer-songwriter and spiritual heir to the musical and thematic legacies of Depeche Mode and Talking Heads] Chris [Martin] would say ‘good job, mate’ after I put out an album, but until then, I’ll try and take motivation from living in his incredibly long shadow.” Yorke added that, had it not been for Coldplay’s epic, genre-defining Super Bowl halftime show, he may never have considered bringing Radiohead’s music to large stadiums.
Sprinter Feels Like An Idiot After Finding Out About Jogging #~# TULSA, OK—Wondering why nobody bothered to tell him about the far easier alternative this whole time, sprinter Eric Powell admitted Thursday that he feels like a total idiot after finding out about jogging. “Jesus, I can’t believe I’ve been working my ass off, pushing myself to run as fast as humanly possible when I could’ve been trotting around the track this whole time,” said Powell, who explained that he learned about the slower form of running when he saw several joggers and, assuming that they needed help learning how to sprint, approached them and asked what they were doing. “I was blown away—all these years I thought the only way to run and get in shape was to move super quickly. It didn’t even occur to me that I could go at a much more enjoyable middle pace.” At press time, Powell had given up on running entirely after he discovered walking.
Judge Denies Manafort Request To Wear Suit In Court #~# A federal district court judge denied Paul Manafort’s request to wear a suit in court, saying he should wear prison garb just like any other defendant post-conviction. What do you think?
Lottery Ticket Holder Has Already Spent $900 Million In Anticipation Of Winning Big Prize #~# HINSDALE, IL—Saying the money was already burning a hole in his pocket, lottery ticket holder Frank Cantrell confirmed Thursday that he had preemptively spent $900 million in anticipation of winning the Mega Millions jackpot. “Maybe I got ahead of myself with the yacht and helicopter purchases, but after this weekend I’m never gonna have to worry about money ever again, so I went on a little pre-jackpot spending spree,” said Cantrell as he directed his recently hired butler to handle the movers, landscapers, and contractors busy outfitting his brand-new mansion with luxury furnishings and top-of-the-line appliances. “I bought 10,000 bottles of Dom Pérignon and 500 pounds of beluga caviar for the viewing party Saturday so we can celebrate while they call out my winning numbers. I’ll probably throw a few more ragers when I officially collect the check, but after that I’ll get serious about curbing my spending. Maybe I’ll invest in my friends’ business ventures or donate a few grand to charity. Now that I’m practically a billionaire, it’s only right that I give back to my community.” At press time, Cantrell was meeting with a divorce lawyer to ensure his soon-to-be ex-wife couldn’t stake a claim on his prize money.
Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls #~# SOUTH DEERFIELD, MA—Offering sincere apologies to customers for the misunderstanding, Yankee Candle clarified Thursday that their product has only ever been intended to be dripped on testicles. “I guess we could have put some sort of instructions on the label, but we assumed everyone already knew they were for melting and drizzling on balls—why else would you even buy a candle?” said spokesperson Carol Sheridan, explaining that the intended use of the wax play products had been made abundantly clear with their choice to prominently market erotically named scents such as “Autumn Pearl,” “Cozy By The Fire” and “Midnight Jasmine,” as well as the Yankee Candle Housewarmer French Vanilla 3-Wick candle for “really sick fucks.” “When we first founded Yankee Candle, we set out to make the finest wax to be trickled on nutsacks. We’re proud to continue our mission to cater to kinky freaks everywhere. We can guarantee that our candles are specifically engineered for melting point and drip texture to maximize pain without causing damage.” Sheridan went on to clarify that the candles were hazardous if used for illumination purposes.
Embarrassed CDC Announces It Accidentally Switched Flu Shots With HIV #~# ATLANTA—Informing the more than 150 million Americans affected by the error that the mistake was “totally our bad,” embarrassed officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that they had accidentally switched all 2018 flu shots with samples of HIV. “Oh, god, we really and truly screwed the pooch on this one. We wish to say we’re deeply sorry, especially to the 59.1 percent of children in the U.S. who received what they had every right to expect were influenza vaccines this fall. Not that it’s anywhere near adequate consolation, but we’re offering a full refund as a partial apology for infecting you with HIV,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, who explained that the two kinds of vials are stocked “really close to each other, and look practically identical.” “We promise to be way more careful in the future. On the plus side, your HIV is only in the acute infection stage, so many of you have a decent amount of time before you develop full-blown acquired immune deficiency syndrome. Yes, obviously, the ideal scenario is to have no life-threatening spectrum of infections destroying your white blood cells, especially—and this is extra embarrassing—during flu season, like it is right now. Man, we were so adamant about you getting these shots in the first place, too.” Redfield encouraged Americans to schedule another flu shot just as soon as the CDC followed up on reports that in the rush to correct the error, some replacement batches had been mistakenly swapped out for anthrax.
New Ted Cruz Attack Ad Declares Beto O’Rourke Too Good For Texas #~# AUSTIN, TX—Emphasizing that the state had done nothing so far to merit anything besides the status quo, a new attack ad released Thursday by incumbent Sen. Ted Cruz declared that his challenger, Rep. Beto O’Rourke, was “too good” for Texas. “He’s charismatic, he’s good-looking, he’s clearly a nice guy—and frankly, you don’t deserve someone like that,” says Cruz during the 30-second TV spot, in which he is seen sitting on a living room sofa with his wife and children who stare silently into the camera and intermittently nod in agreement. “If you elect him, he’s going to come in here, listen to what you have to say, and then incorporate that into the way he governs. What makes you think you’ve done anything to earn that kind of treatment? I mean, if you really have your heart set on somebody who is well-liked and wants to work to bring all Texans together, then go ahead, vote for him. But that’s not what Texas stands for—at least not the Texans I represent.” The ad then closes with a close-up on the senator’s face and the appearance of a new slogan, “Ted Cruz: What Texas Has Coming To It.”
Canada Starts Legal Marijuana Sales #~# Starting Wednesday, Canada became the highest-profile country to decriminalize cannabis possession and tax and regulate its sales, opening new markets and helping drive the push in other countries like the U.S. What do you think?
Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test On Native American Ancestry #~# Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren released a DNA test that she says proves her claims of distant Native American heritage, although it has drawn scrutiny from Native groups and Republicans. What do you think?
Melania Trump’s Plane Forced To Make Emergency Landing After Smoke Begins Billowing Out Of First Lady #~# WASHINGTON—In what is being described as a “close call” for the aircraft’s passengers and crew, sources reported that Melania Trump’s plane was forced to turn around and make an emergency landing Wednesday after thick plumes of smoke began billowing out of the first lady. “There was a strong burning smell, and as soon as we noticed the black smoke venting out of Mrs. Trump’s eye sockets and ear canals, we realized something was seriously wrong,” said crewmember Anton Chapman, adding that, despite routine maintenance checks of the first lady to prevent such incidents, occasional mishaps could still occur, especially when internal regulating systems malfunctioned. “Smoke started filling the cabin, and several members of the press pool began choking and gagging as we tried to contain the damage. Unfortunately, there was very little we could do before the fumes surrounding Mrs. Trump ignited and she burst into flames. Several staffers were severely impaired in the blast, and we had to make an emergency landing.” At press time, witnesses confirmed a crew of firefighters at the landing site was attempting to put out the still-burning first lady.
All The Good Sentiments On ‘Get Well Soon’ Card Already Taken #~# NAPLES, FL—Noting that the sick colleague had been instructed to “take it easy” and “hang in there,” local brand manager Cassandra Reynolds confirmed Thursday that all of the good sentiments on a coworker’s “get well soon” card were already taken. “Shit, somebody is already sending him good vibes, too,” said Reynolds, admitting she had no idea how to even address the man who had already been referred to as “buddy,” “big guy,” and “chief.” “I was going to do ‘can’t wait to have you back,’ but now that just seems so unoriginal. Of course, some asshole had to put ‘feel better’ right there at the top. Fuck, three people are already praying for him? I guess maybe I could write the same thing as someone else but much bigger.” At press time, the coworker reportedly took a turn for the worse after seeing that the tactless Reynolds had simply signed her first and last name on the card.
Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined #~# CHICAGO—Telling reporters that the additional scrutiny had yielded promising results, authorities confirmed Wednesday that blacklight analysis showed that a velvet poster of a mushroom kingdom looked even cooler than previously imagined. “When placed under ultraviolet light, we quickly discovered that the frolicking butterflies, the little gnome, and indeed the entirety of the whimsical, fungus-filled world was far more awesomely psychedelic than we initially realized,” said analyst Keith Dupont, noting that UV-A technology had revealed totally insane swirls and crazy-ass patterns that were undetectable to the naked eye. “We had expected some far-out trippy shit around the caps, but the freak-as-hell colors on the stems were largely unanticipated. We believe these results will help us come to a fuller understanding of what makes this poster so fucking mind-blowing.” Dupont added that he had been disturbed after further blacklight analysis suggested that his teeth glowed super bright in a weird, creepy way. 
The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology #~# Blockchain technology forms the foundation for cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin, Dogecoin, and Ethereum, but it can be difficult to understand how it actually works. The Onion answers common questions about blockchain technology.
Financial Experts Recommend Young Grifters Start Laying Groundwork For Long Con By 25 #~# NEW YORK—Noting that it was becoming increasingly crucial for those in high-risk jobs to invest for retirement as early as possible, top financial experts concluded Wednesday that young grifters should begin laying the groundwork for a long con by age 25. “We strongly urge young grifters to put away 10 percent of their side-hustle earnings in preparation for the future and establish a relationship with a rich banker’s resentful nephew or profligate daughter while they’re still in their early 20s. Sure, it may not seem glamorous, but burning shoe leather never is—and no one wants to be stuck picking pockets or shaving dice when they’re 90,” said Mark Zandi, chief economist of Moody’s Analytics, whose company strongly encourages millennials to diversify their scams to include modern ventures such as duping counterfeit cryptocurrency and running Russian I.D. farms in addition to wise-old-owl methods like three-card monte. “The good news is that it’s still easy to fall for get-rich-quick schemes, but it’s not anywhere near foolproof. To retire at a decent age, a young conman or conwoman has to have the resilience to ride out the months-long peaks and valleys of the Spanish Prisoner. If you don’t transition into a steady career at the top of a good, steady, money-washing, multilevel lipstick marketing business by the time you reach middle age, then you leave yourself open to a bunch of young buck mechanics with a loaded deck sweeping into town and sniping you at blackjack.” The nation’s top financial analysts also recommended that world-weary femmes fatales and caper men begin planning for one last big heist.
Homemade DNA Test Proves Trump Boys Are At Least One Jar Blood #~# WASHINGTON—Providing vital new insight into their ancestral roots, a homemade DNA test self-administered by Eric and Donald Trump Jr. Wednesday proved definitively that they are both at least “one jar blood.” “I always figured I was at least half a jar blood, and now we got the proof,” said Donald Trump Jr., visibly pale, covered in blood, and reportedly feeling “woozy” in the aftermath of the test that he and his brother had just completed, using a metal protractor to cut open their palms and two discarded mason jars they found in the trash. “Eric is part blood, too, which makes sense, ’cuz we’re brothers. Dad is going to be so proud when he hears how much blood we have in us. I bet we have a lot of the same blood as him, too, since he’s our dad. I bet we even have one jar of his blood and one jar of mommy’s blood in us. We’ll just have to keep testing our TNA [sic] to make sure!” At press time, a groggy Eric Trump was washing down a chocolate chip cookie with a big swig of blood.
Kinky Girlfriend Wants To Try Sexual Pleasure Tonight #~# TULSA, OK—Saying that the admission represented a momentous new step in their relationship, advertising salesman Vince Fergus, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his “kinky” girlfriend had expressed interest in experiencing sexual pleasure later tonight. “I mean, I guess I’m game for whatever, but I just never thought of Jessie as the type of girl who would be into that sort of thing. She’s always seemed so normal and straight-laced,” said Fergus, who confessed he’d never experimented with providing sexual pleasure for any of his previous girlfriends, but insisted he was “down to experiment” and would be willing to broaden his physical horizons with his current partner as long as it was done carefully and with respect. “Honestly? I don’t know where she even found out about this stuff. She must have read something about it online. Of course I trust her, but I’m a little nervous—one of my buddies said he tried this type of thing with his girlfriend once, and it was kind of freaky and gross. They broke up right after that.” Fergus was later overheard admitting that his stomach dropped when his girlfriend added she’d also be interested in experimenting with foreplay.
Texas Rangers Asking Taxpayers To Cover 60% Of Bribes Related To New Stadium #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Admitting that the billions of dollars needed to grease the wheels required a joint effort, the Texas Rangers requested Wednesday that taxpayers cover roughly 60 percent of bribes related to the construction of their new stadium. “Between contractors, vendors, and local law enforcement, there’s a lot of under-the-table costs here that we can’t take care of by ourselves,” said Rangers chairman Ray C. Davis, explaining that the team would need to spend millions upfront just to placate the Arlington city council before they could even think about lining the pockets of state legislators and construction crews. “We want to keep the team in Texas, but if the public can’t spare taxpayer money to cover the very real kickback costs, we might be forced to move to a more accommodating city. However, if voters do support the funding, we predict the new stadium will inject millions of dollars back in the local graft economy.” Davis also emphasized that the project would create hundreds of high-paying no-show construction jobs for the siblings of county officials.
Sears Files For Bankruptcy #~# Department store giant Sears Holdings will file for bankruptcy, marking a low point for the once-major force in retail. What do you think?
‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance #~# LOS ANGELES—Discussing how narrative cohesion would be maintained in the new sitcom, the showrunner of the upcoming Roseanne spinoff told reporters Tuesday that he hoped the giant puddle of blood in the set’s kitchen would adequately explain the former main character’s absence. “Sure, we could have had one of the many remaining characters just come out and explain what happened to Roseanne, but we have too much respect for our audience to spoon-feed them the storyline that way,” said Conners executive producer Bruce Helford of the bright red puddle of prop blood that is shown spreading across the titular family’s linoleum kitchen floor in the first episode of the new series. “As it happens, if you listen closely, you should be able to tell exactly what we’re going for with the blood. At one point in the script, D.J. says, ‘It’s a shame what happened to Mom,’ while pointing at the puddle. We also have Jackie referring to the puddle as ‘Roseanne’ in a couple scenes. Hopefully that will do the trick.” Sources confirmed that before the show taped, Helford ordered a set dresser to drop a few tufts of brown hair to the puddle for added realism.
‘The Conners’ Premieres Without Roseanne Barr #~# Roseanne spinoff The Conners premieres Tuesday night, featuring John Goodman, Laurie Metcalf, and the rest of the Conners family pressing on without Roseanne Barr, who was fired from the show earlier this year after posting racist comments on Twitter. What do you think?
This Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members  #~# As I look out at the faces surrounding me here today, I am reminded of how much we’ve accomplished in such a short period of time. We’ve driven the creature from our village, chased it back to its moldering castle, and burned that castle to the ground, doing so with no more than a few dozen pugnacious townsfolk. This was a huge undertaking, and we should all feel proud. However, to achieve our goals moving forward—to track down this beast who ultimately escaped the fire and fled—we must increase our numbers.
Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies #~# For the second year straight, the world’s view of the U.S. has declined. For example, only 39 percent of Canadians now have a favorable view of the United States, down from 65 percent at the end of President Obama’s second term. What do you think?
Smiley Face Doodled On Check Commemorates Undeniable Chemistry Between Waiter, Ericson Family #~# ROCKFORD, IL—Saying that the jovial drawing will forever signify their bond of goodwill, local father Gary Ericson confirmed Tuesday that a smiley face doodled on their Buffalo Wild Wings meal check commemorates the undeniable chemistry between their waiter and the Ericson family. “Ever since Jason introduced himself by name and asked if he could start us off with anything to drink, I knew we had a connection,” said Ericson, recalling their server’s warm greeting, enthusiastic recommendation of the passion fruit iced tea, and frequent visits to the table to inquire as to how everything was going so far, all demonstrating a deep personal commitment and the foundation for what shall surely be a lifelong friendship. “The way he reacted when, after he asked how we had enjoyed our food, and I claimed it was terrible—even though I’d already finished all my wings? You don’t get that sort of delighted laughter from anyone but a bosom friend. And now, this smiley face stands forever as symbol of and monument to that very friendship.” Ericson sealed the eternal bond between Jason and his clan by leaving a 10 percent tip.
State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Hastily shooing away the varmints with corn whisk brooms, members of the Tennessee State Election Commission reportedly drove a pack of wild animals out of local voting booths Tuesday in preparation for the upcoming midterm election. “Y’all critters ain’t welcome in this here polling place—go on, get!” said commission member Greg Duckett, using a garden hose to remove a thick accumulation of spiderwebs from an electronic voting machine that, according to reports, has also been home to a small family of raccoons since the 2016 general election. “I don’t know how we’re gonna get all these voting booths gussied up by Nov. 6. At this point, I’ve swept more squirrel nests out of ballot boxes than I can rightly count. I reckon we may just have to leave the rodents be and focus on rounding up the possums.” At press time, sources confirmed the commission had finished chasing out most of the wild animals and voted to begin shooing away minority voters.
Saudis Admit Journalist Khashoggi Died During Botched Assassination Attempt #~# RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In a press conference ahead of a meeting with U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman admitted Tuesday that journalist Jamal Khashoggi died during a botched assassination attempt. “We lured Mr. Khashoggi to our consulate in Turkey for what was supposed to be a straightforward, routine execution, but things went off the rails at some point during the torture portion, and he accidentally bled out,” said the crown prince, adding that under normal circumstances, journalists who negatively portray the Saudi regime are eliminated efficiently and without international uproar. “We offer our sincere apologies to the Khashoggi family for mishandling Jamal’s slaughter. This should have been a quick in-and-out death and dismemberment situation, not the drawn-out, hours-long bloodbath it turned into. We flubbed this one big time.” The crown prince also assured journalists that Saudi leaders plan to implement new murder guidelines to standardize future assassinations and reduce instances of bungled hits.
ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid #~# SIERRA VISTA, AZ—Looking around in a panic as he realized he had been left all alone, ICE agent Derek Borland was reportedly terrified Tuesday after becoming separated from his team during a raid on an immigrant community. “Where did everyone go? Guys, I’m really scared right now. Anyone? Bobby? Bobby, where are you?” said the frightened Borland, 41, who reportedly dashed through an apartment complex in a frantic effort to find his teammates and broke down in tears when he was unable to locate anyone he recognized. “Where did everyone go? Don’t leave me alone here, I’m so scared. These guys are like my family—what if I never see them again? Anyone? Please, someone, help me!” At press time, the ICE agent was feeling much better after being reunited with his team and shoving an undocumented immigrant family into the back of a van.
University Suspends All Lightweights From Campus Following Fraternity Hazing Death #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—In an effort to prevent further alcohol-related tragedy, University of Alabama administrators announced plans Tuesday to suspend all lightweights who can’t handle their shit following the hazing death of freshman Delta Kappa Epsilon pledge Matthew Young. “What happened to Matt this past weekend is entirely preventable, which is why we are immediately restricting all pipsqueaks who can’t even butt-chug a measly fucking 40 of Old English to their housing units,” an email from University of Alabama president Stuart R. Bell read in part, also announcing that all 798 pathetic little bitches pledged to the school’s 15 weak-ass fraternities were disenrolled from their fall courses effective immediately. “Greek life has always been an important part of tradition on our campus, and we hope it will remain so, but students need to be aware that they will not have a place in this institution until they can drink a double pint of semen-laced vodka, run five miles in the nude while shotgunning a 12-pack of beer, and find their way home blindfolded without passing out. The University of Alabama simply does not tolerate pussies who go crying to mommy simply because they never learned to go hard in the motherfucking paint. That behavior has no place at this university.” Bell acknowledged that this measure is not enough on its own, and that everyone at both the university and the country at large needs to do a better job combatting the rampant lightweight culture that contributed to Young’s death.
Saudi Arabia Sends Assassins To Dismember Entire International Community In Effort To Stifle Dissent #~# NEW YORK CITY—Taking drastic measures to silence their critics, Saudi Arabia reportedly sent assassins to dismember the entire international community Monday as part of an effort to stifle dissent. “At the order of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman, teams of assassination squads were dispatched to all corners of the globe to execute every diplomat, human rights organization member, world leader, and journalist who has spoken out against the regime,” said a source from the United Nations speaking on the condition of anonymity for fear of their life, adding that a bloodbath ensued as killers infiltrated embassies, government offices, and private homes around the world with specific instructions to slaughter all detractors of Saudi Arabia. “Anyone who has made even a single critical comment or pulled out of the Saudi’s Future Investment Initiative business conference has been hacked to bloody chunks. Even journalists who reported on the death tolls were systematically butchered.” At press time, U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo was dismembered immediately upon disembarking from his plane to meet with a Saudi delegation to discuss the incident.
Jared Kushner Likely Avoided Income Tax For Years #~# A New York Times report suggests Jared Kushner likely paid little to nothing for millions of dollars in income between 2009 and 2016 by using legal loopholes. What do you think?
Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options #~# LONDON—Visibly upset as she huddled into her chair and glanced around the Family Planning Association waiting room, a nervous Meghan Markle looked over several informational pamphlets Monday while weighing her options regarding her pregnancy. “I suppose I thought Harry and I would have some more time together as just the two of us before we started a family—after all, we only got married a few months ago, we haven’t even gotten our finances in order, and Harry’s not even sure what he wants to do with his life,” said Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Sussex, poring over a brochure titled “Are You Ready To Be A Mother?” as one restless hand rubbed her belly. “I love kids, and spending time with my nieces and nephews is magic, but am I ready to be tied down by my own kids yet? How am I supposed to take care of a baby if I can’t remember to take my birth control? I think Harry would be a great dad, but what if he’s not cut out for parenting? Sorry. Forget it. Anyway, I guess it’s still early enough in the pregnancy that we have some time to think about it.” Markle later said she felt somewhat better about her options after reading the FPA pamphlets concerning adoption.
Loser Woman Hasn’t Even Inspired One Bar Fight #~# DENVER, CO—Noting that the pathetic 30-year-old may as well have been invisible to the men around her, sources confirmed Monday that loser woman Kathleen Owens has never inspired even a single bar fight. “Strangely, the sight of Kathleen failed to motivate even a single guy to pick up a pool cue and smash it over the head of another guy while competing for her attention,” said a source close to Owens, emphasizing confusion as to how any female could inspire such indifference among men, let alone instigate by her very presence exactly zero bar-wide brawls resulting in the bartender firing a shotgun into the ceiling as a warning to the dozens of desire-crazed men violently competing for her favor. “Not once have I seen two men sidle up to her at the bar at the same time, say ‘Seat taken?’ in accidental unison, and trade insults that escalate into a shoving match until a third suitor approaches, smashes the heads of the first two together, and sits down triumphantly beside her. She’s just hopeless. What’s wrong with her?” At press time, Owens was seen sighing between drinks of her cocktail as a fight erupted among the bar’s male customers over whose turn it was to play darts.
Cows Trample Dozens Of Lobsters To Death In Escalating Surf ’N’ Turf War #~# CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—In what is being described as the most ruthless act of bovine–crustacean violence in years, local authorities confirmed Monday that a charging herd of cattle had trampled 49 lobsters to death on the southern coast of Maine, marking a bloody escalation in their surf ’n’ turf war.
Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica #~# Antarctica, Earth’s southernmost continent, faces numerous threats from climate change, but many people don’t know very much about the isolated area. The Onion looks back at a history of exploration, scientific study, and human activity in Antarctica.
Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last #~# DUNCANVILLE, TX—Beckoning the boy to come closer so “Nana can feel those washboard abs,” local grandmother Shirley Paulson was reportedly amazed Monday by how fuckable her grandson has gotten since she last saw him. “My, Jackson, you are really growing into quite the grade-A slice of man meat! Ooh, I just want to pinch your tight little ass cheeks,” said the 83-year-old, embracing the 18-year-old while remarking that pretty soon he will be “slaying poon like nobody’s business.” “Heavens! When did you get this gigantic bulge of yours? Oh, I bet all the little girls at school already want to bang the shit out of you—tell me, Jackson, do you have a fuck buddy yet? Goodness gracious. What I did for God to bless me with so many sexy little numbers as grandchildren? I must be the proudest, wettest grandma in the world.” Paulson added that the 18-year-old is just as fuckable as his dad was at that age.
Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty #~# Washington’s Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty is unconstitutional due to its unequal application depending on race and extenuating circumstances, making it the 20th state to do away with capital punishment. What do you think?
Horrified Nurses Discover 40-Pound Baby After Accidentally Leaving It In Incubator Over Weekend #~# DENVER—Realizing with horror that they had forgotten to do a final sweep of the neonatal intensive care unit, nurses at Saint Joseph Hospital were reportedly mortified to discover a 40-pound baby Monday after accidentally leaving it in an incubator over the weekend. “Oh, God, it totally slipped my mind that we were supposed to take this newborn out Friday afternoon,” said registered nurse Rachel Viars, who added that she was absolutely kicking herself after walking in and seeing the over-incubated infant, which had puffed up so much that its body squished up against the device’s glass walls. “Maybe there’s a way we can pass this off as a regular baby? Ugh, there’s no way. It’s way too huge to even fit in a cradle at this point.” At press time, Viars reportedly sighed, threw away the infant in the hazardous material bin, and asked the mother to just start over.
Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper Revealed #~# Famed physicist Stephen Hawking’s final paper, titled “Black Hole Entropy And Soft Hair,” has been published, dealing with the question of what happens when objects fall into black holes. What do you think?
Bill And Hillary Clinton Announce Joint Tour #~# Bill and Hillary Clinton announced a joint tour this week to tour North America, allowing audiences to hear conversations with a couple that has “helped shape our world.” What do you think?
Sully Sullenberger Realizes It Too Late Now To Let Everyone Know Plane Did All That Stuff On Autopilot #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting it would be rather awkward to come clean at this juncture now, retired American Airlines pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger realized Friday that it was almost certainly too late to let everybody know that the Airbus A320 of flight 1549, which landed in the Hudson on Jan. 15, 2009 with no loss of life to any of the 155 souls aboard, did so while on autopilot. “I pretty much just made some settings and pressed a button,” said Sullenberger, confessing he likely should have divulged the inconsequential nature of his role in the “miracle on the Hudson” before Time magazine named him one of the “Top 100 Most Influential Heroes And Icons Of 2009.” “Everybody was so happy, and I guess I just sort of got caught up in the moment, because it seemed like it would be just awful to spoil the mood. I mean, I really did press the button, but beyond that I was just along for the ride like everyone else. Don’t get me wrong, it was a scary experience. The autopilot isn’t always perfect, though as you can see, it’s pretty damn close.” Sullenberger said that he had planned to come clean when the producers of Sully approached him about a film deal, but decided to maintain his silence upon learning he would be played by Tom Hanks. 
Mom Hates Bad Guy In Movie #~# PHILADELPHIA—Throughout the runtime of the two-hour movie, local mother of three Barbara Rosenstock, 62, took several opportunities Friday to declare her hatred for the bad guy. “Oh, he’s just being so mean to his girlfriend! That’s terrible. It’s just awful how he treats her!” said Rosenstock, gasping and shaking her head as the antagonist struck another character with a closed fist. “You don’t hit! Why would he do that? It’s so unnecessary. He’s just being a jerk. You would never act like that, right? I hate people who behave that way. So mean.” At press time, the mom announced “Oh, I like her!” upon seeing the film’s female lead resolutely standing up to the bad guy.
Kanye West Jumps On Massage Table To Deliver Speech About Relaxation  #~# LOS ANGELES—Insisting that a new age of unwinding was upon the world if they only paid attention, Kanye West jumped onto a massage table at Deluca Bodywork Friday to deliver a highly charged speech about relaxation. “We’re at this point in history where humans can’t relax—they’re on edge, they’re high-strung, and we aren’t experiencing true leisure because free time is a myth,” said the Grammy Award–winning artist, who had entered the massage parlor and immediately leaped onto the nearest empty table, speaking uninterrupted for 15 minutes in a monologue that touched on ending aging, loosening up muscle groups, the hero’s journey, freeing spiritual energy, and “empowering the whole globe to chill” to the largely silent clientele. “I don’t care if it’s reiki. I don’t care if it’s shiatsu. We’ve got to detoxify the human experience. And that starts here. Right here. Maybe you weren’t expecting to hear from a motherfucker like me, but you best believe it’s time to focus on rest and recovery.” At press time, West had been spotted standing atop the counter at a nearby Panera Bread delivering a soliloquy about the way a steaming bowl of soup on a cold day could make every person in the world “feel like a superhero.”
Panicked Falcons Discover Scratch In Mercedes Benz Stadium #~# ATLANTA, GA—Pacing and cursing as they searched in vain for a note, the entire Falcons roster reportedly panicked Friday after finding a massive scratch in Mercedes Benz Stadium. “Dammit, who did this? It’s halfway down the whole thing! Christ, this is going to cost a fortune to fix,” said a distressed Matt Ryan as he attempted to buff out the scratch with the crumpled-up end of his sleeve. “This was a brand new stadium, too. It’s barely a year old and it’s already ruined. It’s so obvious, too, everybody is going to see this big, ugly gash during the game. Man, [Coach] Dan [Quinn] is gonna flip his shit.” At press time, the Falcons had been distracted from the scratch after noticing someone had pried the Mercedes Benz symbol off the front of the stadium.
Trump Administration Urges Saudis To Stick To Killing Random Yemeni Civilians #~# WASHINGTON—As criticism mounted over the country’s alleged role in the disappearance and possible death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, the Trump administration reportedly urged the leaders of Saudi Arabia Friday to stick to killing random Yemeni civilians. “The potential murder of a high-profile journalist critical of their regime raises grave concerns for us, and we appeal to the leaders of Saudi Arabia to restrict their extrajudicial murders to Yemeni people who don’t have any public platform,” said President Trump, adding that the White House would not sit idly by as the Saudis caused the deaths of innocent people unless they were Yemeni children in a school bus or a group of Yemeni people attending a wedding. “The United States asks Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman to content himself with killings that don’t affect business deals or call our diplomatic ties into question, such as airstrikes on Yemeni infrastructure, fueling mass cholera outbreaks, or blocking food and medical supplies from reaching civilians. Look, we don’t even mind if you dismember and murder people inside the Turkish consulate, as long as they’re unknown Yemenis whose deaths won’t cause an international scandal. For the sake of all parties, we demand that the Saudis only kill people who hardly anyone in America cares about.” At press time, several major U.S. newspapers had published editorials praising the Trump administration for its tough stance on Saudi Arabia.
Frightened Don Jr. Asks If He Can Sleep In Dad’s Bed After Bad Dream About Being Indicted #~# WASHINGTON—Sobbing uncontrollably as he ran into the room, Donald Trump Jr. asked his father, the 45th president of the United States, if he could sleep in his bed with him Thursday night after reportedly having a bad dream about being indicted. “It was so scary! The bad man told me that telling lies to Congress and asking for stuff from foreign nationals were big crimes and that I had to be at court in 30 days,” whimpered a terrified Trump Jr. while climbing under the covers with his favorite stuffed animal so he could hide from “the mean and evil special probscooter [sic].” “It felt so real, Dad. I want to stay here with you. You’re going to protect me and make sure he doesn’t get me, right, Dad? He said he had enough proof to send me away to jail for a long, long time. And that you wouldn’t even try and pardon me.” At press time, the president was heard yelling obscenities after he awoke to discover his eldest son had wet the bed.
Report: Many States Still Relying On Outdated Methods To Disenfranchise Voters #~# WASHINGTON—Urging Congress to take action before the entire system was compromised, the Federal Election Commission warned Thursday that many states were still relying on outdated methods to disenfranchise their voters. “The fact that a number of polling places across the country are still trying to purge voter rolls by hand is a huge issue,” said FEC spokesperson Angela Larson, noting that every state should have adopted fail-safe, digital disenfranchisement systems years ago. “We’ve had reports of officials manually throwing ballots in the garbage, and, frankly, that is completely absurd in 2018. The manpower something like this takes is ridiculous. Electronic voting machines should be getting hacked remotely to eliminate even the slightest possibility of a paper trail. Don’t even get me started with Georgia, where they’re still relying on draconian registration laws and inaccessible polling places to suppress the black vote the same way their parents and grandparents did.” At press time, Larson cautioned that many of these antiquated methods were rife for human error and could result in thousands of minorities being allowed to vote.
Woman Always Gets Best Ideas While Taking Shower With Two Jacked Dudes #~# CHICAGO—Saying there’s just no better way to get the fresh thoughts percolating, local woman Isabelle Garner, 28, told reporters Friday that she gets all her best ideas while showering with two totally ripped hunks. “Whenever I’m feeling a little blocked, I hop in the shower with a couple of stunningly gorgeous Adonises with rock-hard abs, and before I know it, all sorts of new ideas come flooding in,” said Garner, explaining that there must be something stimulating about standing under a jet spray of hot water or pressing up against a pair of muscular, toned bodies that helps put her in a more imaginative frame of mind. “I don’t know whether it’s the soothing pressure of four muscular hands tenderly caressing me or the calming steam emanating from their incredibly sexy physiques, but somehow, the whole experience really gets the juices flowing.” Garner added that going for a walk or taking a nap with two jacked dudes also does the trick.
Panicked Meteorologists Advise Entire Nation To Take Cover After Losing Track Of Hurricane Michael #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the 350-mile-wide Category 4 cyclonic storm system could strike any region of the United States at any time, panicked meteorologists at the National Weather Service issued an official advisory Thursday for the entire country to take cover after admitting they’d lost track of Hurricane Michael’s current whereabouts. “We last saw it over the Carolinas, but it could be anywhere by now,” the terrified weather experts said of the storm, which has so far killed six, left a million people without power, and caused damage estimated in the billions of dollars across Florida and Georgia before disappearing from sight, sparking fears that it could reappear and wreak havoc on any number of unsuspecting U.S. citizens. “One minute, it was on our radar, and the next minute, it was just gone. We completely lost track of it, and that’s on us. What’s important right now is that every American from Bangor to Los Angeles takes necessary hurricane precautions in case it shows up in your area. Stay alert for lashing rain and winds of over 100 miles an hour wherever you go—it could very well be in your own backyard, for all we know.” Officials at FEMA, which has been placed on high alert, issued a statement urging every American to immediately proceed to the top of a nearby building or tree to hide from the hurricane.
‘The Convergence Is At Hand,’ Announces Sears CEO As Employees Report To Company Headquarters In White Gowns #~# HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—As the department store chain prepared to file for bankruptcy and close its retail locations, Sears CEO Eddie Lampert reportedly announced “The convergence is at hand” Thursday as all Sears employees, clad in white gowns, reported to company headquarters. “Brothers and sisters of Sears, I beseech you to join me as we enter the next plane of our company’s existence,” said the beatific Lampert, adorned in a gleaming white robe and his head shaved, as all 140,000 Sears employees left their stores across the nation and made their way to the Prairie Stone Business Park, where they were told they would receive their instructions at dawn. “The time has come to walk away from your post in the clothing or home goods section, to close your cash register and abandon your long toil in the stockroom, and follow me as we prepare to clock out for the last time. We shall all move forward as one body, my brothers and sisters of Sears, into our glorious, golden future. Join me as we welcome the convergence with open arms.” At press time, federal authorities had surrounded the Sears Centre Arena where Lampert was leading dancing, weeping, euphoric employees in chants read from old company catalogs.
Hurricane Michael Makes Landfall In Most Dangerous Storm In Florida Panhandle History #~# Hurricane Michael, a Category 4 storm, has made landfall close to Panama City, FL in what experts are calling the most dangerous storm ever recorded in the area. What do you think?
Salamanders Bravely Offer To Go Extinct In Place Of Better Animal #~# EARTH—Insisting that the planet’s resources could be put to far better use than toward their own paltry existence, the world’s salamander population reportedly gathered Thursday to bravely announce their willingness to go extinct in the place of a better animal. “We’ll do it. We’re small, slimy, and stupid, and we don’t have much effect on anything—it’s for the best, really,” said the vast coalition of amphibians, solemnly stating their willingness to “go ahead and take one for the team” on behalf of several critically endangered and “way cooler” species such as the black rhino, hawksbill turtle, or the Sumatran elephant. “Look, we’ve kind of peaked. And there are tons of other different types of amphibians and lizards that pretty much check all the same boxes we do. Honestly, you’ll hardly even notice we’re gone. Polar bears, on the other hand? Those will be missed way more. It’s really no contest. If anyone has to go extinct, it should be us.” At press time, a herd of several hundred thousand salamanders were spotted running full speed toward the edge of a 600-foot cliff.
Mom Still Raving About Butternut Squash Ravioli She Tried 13 Years Ago #~# PORTSMOUTH, NH—Calling the dish one of the tastiest she’s had in some time, 61-year-old mom Karyn Stockton continued to rave Thursday about the butternut squash ravioli she tried 13 years ago during a vacation to Boston. “Who would have thought to put squash into ravioli?” Stockton said of the pasta dish she consumed in 2005 at West End restaurant Riccardo Trattoria and has been bringing up intermittently while out at other restaurants and even during lulls in casual conversation. “I think it had some sage in the sauce. Or maybe it was tarragon? I swear, we should try to make it some time. Gosh, it was a great dinner. I wish you’d have been there.” At press time, Stockton revealed that she once bought a frozen version that looked similar at Sam’s Club, but that it just wasn’t the same.
Calm, Measured Trump Hard At Work After Freak Accident Leaves Him With Railroad Spike Lodged In Skull #~# WASHINGTON—Logging countless hours in the Oval Office between warmly greeting foreign diplomats, an unusually serene and well-spoken President Trump was hard at work Thursday, industriously shepherding environmental and civil rights bills through Congress just days after a freak accident left a railroad spike lodged into his skull. “President Trump has been a model of professionalism ever since the accident—he’s attentive and inquisitive during intelligence briefings, articulate at press conferences, and his tweets have been increasingly vetted and thoroughly researched,” said White House chief of staff John Kelly, echoing the general sentiments of staffers in the West Wing, where feelings of general relief and a newfound sense of job security were observed during the two-hour morning meeting Trump convened to discuss naming Ada Limón the new U.S. poet laureate. “At first I was a bit concerned, as anyone would be when a railroad spike pierces a sitting president’s cerebral cortex and bisects his hypothalamus, but the White House physician checked him out and concluded that the benign effect on Trump’s disposition outweighs any possible long-term harm.” At press time, staffers confirmed Trump was growing morose and irritable after banging the protruding head of the spike on the doorframe of Air Force One while attempting to deplane.
Report: Students Who Take Latin Have Better Chance Of Summoning Demon Later In Life #~# CHICAGO—Saying the classical language was a practical choice for anyone interested in awakening the dead, a new report released Thursday by the University of Chicago found that students who take Latin have a better chance of summoning a demon later in life. “According to our data, children who studied Latin in grade school were far more likely to contact, summon, and then raise a damned soul from the underworld,” said classics department chair Emily Greenwood, adding that students who learned Latin tended to be more adept at chanting ancient incantations, opening up portals, and comprehending Demonic screams. “On the whole, young people who studied root languages like Latin had a much easier time communicating in tongues, and could sometimes even convince spirits to do their bidding. However, those who didn’t were more prone to lag far behind their peers and often died at the hands of a bloodthirsty, vengeful succubus.” Greenwood added that while knowing Latin provided students certain advantages in summoning demons, it had absolutely zero bearing on their ability to send them back to Hell when they were done.
Kim Jong-Un Wants Pope To Visit North Korea #~# North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has extended an invitation to Pope Francis to visit Pyongyang with the hopes of highlighting peace efforts on the Korean Peninsula. What do you think?
‘Try It Now,’ Shouts Gogo Internet Technician Standing On Plane Wing While Fixing In-Flight Wireless Connection #~# ATLANTA—Screaming as loudly as he could while army-crawling towards the “finicky” router, Gogo Internet technician Bart Corfield reportedly urged passengers to “try it now” Thursday while standing on the wing fixing their in-flight wireless connection. “I’m just going to turn it off and on real quick, and you guys tell me if it goes back up,” yelled Corfield, 32, clenching his jaw as he endured the below-freezing conditions and 500-mile-per-hour wind gusts from the Boeing 737’s position 30,000 feet in the air. “Okay, still nothing? Well, these older units can be a bit temperamental sometimes. Let’s wait a full minute, and if it still doesn’t come back up, I’ll just climb down under the plane and see what’s happening.” At press time, a triumphant Corfield reentered the pressurized cabin just in time to hear a collective groan as an episode of the NBC drama This Is Us reverted to static.
Nikki Haley Resigns As Trump’s U.N. Ambassador #~# United Nations Ambassador and former South Carolina governor Nikki Haley will leave her post at the end of the year, the latest departure from the volatile Trump administration. What do you think?
U.S. Citizens: ‘We Love When Thing Taste Like Other Thing’ #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the phenomenon “yummy yummy good,” the collective United States populace issued a statement Wednesday declaring that they “love when thing taste like other thing.” “We big like when chip taste like salsa! We lots like when pancake taste like cookie! When food taste like other food, can’t stop! Put in mouth get num-nums!” insisted all 325.7 million drooling, blank-eyed inhabitants of the nation, feverishly rubbing their stomachs and voicing their firm support for “coffee that taste like ice cream” and “ice cream that taste like coffee” along with an array of similarly marketed food products. “More! More! Want cracker that taste like meat soup! Want beer that taste like fruit pie! Oh yes, yes, yes—we love tasting tastes! Please, much want! We hungy [sic]!” At press time, the boiling throng of American citizens let out a collective squeal of euphoric delight later that afternoon upon viewing the televised image of a bagel made to taste like Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
NFL Urges Pass Rushers To Try Reaching Peaceful Resolution With Quarterbacks Before Resorting To Tackling #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to find a more constructive way to cost the other team yardage, the NFL asked pass rushers on Wednesday to seek amicable resolutions with opposing quarterbacks before resorting to a tackle. “Instead of immediately stooping to a violent hit, defensive ends and linebackers should take an empathetic stance and try talking the quarterback out of his attempt to throw the ball,” said NFL vice president of human resources Kim McFadden, adding that pass rushers should use “I statements” to keep quarterbacks from feeling threatened while defenders asserted their own feelings as to why the signal caller needs to take a knee and lose a down. “Tackling should always be the last choice when dealing with a quarterback intent on tossing a pass or running for a first down. If players cross the line of scrimmage with an open mind, make eye contact, and calmly present their case, I think they’ll find that most QBs are receptive to spiking the ball or throwing it away.” McFadden admitted that defenders may still be forced to take down their opponent, but should try to depersonalize the attack and limit destructive blows to the quarterback’s torso, neck, ankles, and head.
U.S. Public Health Service Estimates They’ll Have Tuskegee Experiment Wrapped Up By 2020 #~# WASHINGTON—Assuring critics that the study would provide valuable information on the spread of sexually transmitted infections in rural populations, the U.S. Public Health Service announced Wednesday that they estimate to have the Tuskegee Study of Untreated Syphilis in the Negro Male wrapped up by the year 2020. “After decades of very important research, we’re very close to a meaningful conclusion,” said USPHS representative Meredith Powell, expressing the agency’s immense gratitude for the patience of the American public, especially the hundreds of black people diagnosed with syphilis but not informed of or treated for the disease at the experiment’s start in 1932, and the hundreds more who have been diagnosed with the disease within the past year. “Thanks to the uninformed sacrifice of our subjects, we’re closer than ever before to a true understanding of how syphilis progresses through certain communities, and we are optimistic for a conclusion within the next couple years. We believe penicillin might work as a potential cure, but we’re not yet willing to rule out other remedies, such as homeopathic treatment, or even, say, just letting nature take its course. This is a longitudinal study, and we’re coming very close to narrowing our search down to six or seven potential avenues of treatment, at which point we can finally begin the study’s final stage.” Powell added that once the experiment was completed, the agency would be embarking on a 50-year follow-up study to attempt to reproduce their findings.
Febreze Releases New Air Horn For Covering Up Unpleasant Bathroom Sounds #~# CINCINNATI, OH—Calling the device the perfect addition to any bathroom with loud acoustics or thin walls, Febreze officials announced Wednesday that the company had released a new air horn for covering up unpleasant bathroom sounds. “Pesky, embarrassing bodily functions are simply no match for Febreze’s new ThunderClap Air Horn—just one deafening blast, and that’s all anyone will hear,” said company spokesperson Clara Jung, adding that their product’s specialized, high-pitched siren was specifically designed to hide reverberations up to volumes of 15 decibels. “From routine bathroom sounds to something as loud as a groan, Febreze’s new air horn can mask it all. That’s because Febreze’s patented air horn goes deep and emits sound waves that don’t just cover up the noise, they also deafen everyone around it.” At press time, Febreze announced plans to release an accompanying plug-in air horn able to fill bathrooms with a constant stream of cacophonous noise for six months at a time.
Tips For Dealing With A Difficult Landlord #~# More Americans rent their home now than at any point in the past 50 years, and many tenants have to contend with landlords who make their lives miserable. The Onion offers tips for dealing with a difficult landlord.
ExxonMobil CEO Depressed After Realizing Earth Could End Before They Finish Extracting All The Oil #~# IRVING, TX—In the wake of a report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change that projected the planet had only a decade to prevent catastrophic global warming, ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods was reportedly feeling depressed Wednesday after realizing the Earth could end before they finished extracting all the oil. “When I read about the report, it just hit me like a ton of bricks—we could all die and leave billions of barrels of petroleum trapped in the ground forever,” said Woods, wiping away a tear as he added that the entire oil industry was heartbroken by the thought that they might not have the decades they needed to extract all the oil from the planet as they had originally thought. “We’ve already laid out plans for gas production by future generations of ExxonMobil employees, so it’s just very traumatic for me to consider the idea that they might never get the chance to enjoy the same profits we do now. Just think, one day soon, we’ll all be gone and that oil will still be there in the Earth, never to be removed. It’s a travesty.” At press time, Woods announced ExxonMobil’s plans to quadruple its oil production in an effort to extract it all from the Earth while there was still time.
Taylor Swift Breaks Silence On Politics To Support Democrats #~# Singer–songwriter Taylor Swift broke her long-held political silence to endorse two Democrats running in Tennessee and to urge her 100 million Instagram followers to vote in the midterms. What do you think?
‘Can Anyone Hear Me?’ Shout Terrified Climate Scientists Frantically Waving Arms As Passersby Walk Straight Through Them #~# WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly panicked as the American public remained oblivious to their efforts, numerous terrified climate scientists had resorted to frantically waving their arms while loudly begging to be acknowledged by throngs of passersby who proceeded to walk straight through them, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Can anyone hear me? Hello?” shouted the discouraged climate scientists as they futilely jumped in front of pedestrians in desperate attempts to block their paths, only to have the people continue on down the block without so much as a glance in their direction. “Please, wait! Stop! Don’t you see we’re on a path to destruction? Hey! Come on, won’t you please stop and listen to me for just a second? Jesus Christ, you fuckers—this is important!” At press time, the scientists were feeling deeply disturbed after returning home to find their families at the dinner table with an eerily similar-looking impostor seated in their place.
U.N. Reports Says Humanity Has 12 Years To Avert Climate-Related Catastrophe #~# The U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released a report this week suggesting humanity must make urgent and unprecedented changes to avert the catastrophe caused by 1.5 degrees celsius of warming. What do you think?
New Polls Increase Fears That Midterm Elections Will Be Won By Wave Of Politicians #~# WASHINGTON—Causing dread and consternation among significant swaths of registered voters, a series of Reuters-Ipsos polls released Tuesday increased fears that the 2018 midterm elections will be won by a wave of politicians. “Right now, many Americans are worried that the 2018 elections could be an absolute landslide for politicians, and everything we’re seeing seems to suggest that this is a very real cause for concern,” said McGill University political analyst Tasha Martin, warning that every predictor released by major polling organizations pointed to a “near-tsunami” of midterm gains for politicians and political figures, groups notorious for being selfish, out of touch with the general public, and corruptly bending to outside interests. “In fact, most predictions offer a nearly 100 percent chance that politicians will win both the House and Senate in November. For most Americans, seeing politicians completely in control of Congress might be enough to cause them to lose all faith in democracy.” Martin added that preliminary polling also raised the frightening specter of a politician taking the White House in 2020.
Nikki Haley Resigns To Accept Consulting Role With Afghan Warlord #~# NEW YORK—Saying she hoped the new position would allow her to grow both personally and professionally, Nikki Haley announced Tuesday she would resign from her post as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations in order to accept a consulting role with an Afghan warlord. “While I have greatly enjoyed my time in the Trump administration, this opportunity fits my skill set so well that I felt I couldn’t pass it up,” said Haley, adding that the job with a warlord she declined to name would permit her to continue in her career path while pursuing her passions for paramilitary operations, intimidation, propaganda, and torture. “I’m thrilled to begin this new adventure working alongside a true strongman, someone I have long admired for his ability to get things done. I believe the role I played at the U.N. has provided me with the experiences I need to help him consolidate his power and expand his reign of terror, putting him in a better position to take control of his war-torn homeland.” Haley went on to express her hope that with a little hard work, she could help her new employer become the next Butcher of Kabul.
Taylor Swift Inspires 200 Million Fans To Register To Vote In Tennessee #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Motivating the masses to participate in the democratic process with her popular Instagram post, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly inspired 200 million fans from all over the country this week to register to vote in Tennessee. “Taylor hasn’t really talked much about politics over the course of her career, but she’s certainly making waves now,” said Tennessee Democratic Party chairperson Mary Mancini, who applauded Swift for “getting her message out there,” as well as helping to register the entire population of the state more than 30 times over. “We’ve never seen anything like this—definitely not in a 24-hour period at least. Ms. Swift has truly inspired young people from Maine to California to leave everything behind and head for a polling place in Tennessee this November. She’s even galvanized young people living in other countries to vote in these important midterm elections as well.” At press time, Tennessee officials announced that Election Day voting hours would be extended by one hour to accommodate 60 percent of the world’s population now expected to cast a ballot.
Report: Most Americans’ Retirement Plans Consist Of Hoping Their Random Junk Turns Out To Be Collector’s Item Worth Millions #~# WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on how Americans are preparing for their golden years, a report published Tuesday by the National Institute on Retirement Security found that most people’s plans consist entirely of the hope that some random junk piece they own ends up being a collector’s item worth millions of dollars. “Nearly 75 percent of the working-age Americans we surveyed have staked their financial future on the belief that some object lying around their house—whether it’s a collectible ceramic figurine, a DVD of a well-loved film, or a plastic souvenir cup—will turn out to be extremely valuable,” said the report’s author, George Dunbar, noting that a majority of workers have assured themselves there has to be something in their basement worth enough to cover their living expenses in the decades of their life that remain after they have reached retirement age. “Two in three respondents said they have already made plans to take their old Monopoly boards, well-used action figures, and newspapers from an important date in history to be appraised by an expert on the day they retire. While we do not believe this represents a sound retirement plan, we can confirm that in almost every case, the dusty boxes full of miscellaneous shit in Americans’ attics are indeed their highest-value assets.” Dunbar went on to state that clinging to the hope some stray bit of junk would turn out to be worth millions was, of course, a far more viable retirement strategy than the savings programs offered by most employers.
Study: Nearly Half Of Anti-‘The Last Jedi’ Tweets Were Bots #~# A USC study found that half of all tweets criticizing Star Wars: The Last Jedi were either non-human bots or Russian trolls using the debate to propagate extreme far-right political messages. What do you think?
Excited Patient Points Out Organ He Wants From Kidney Tank In Hospital Lobby #~# SEATTLE—Exuberantly tapping the glass of the murky case as he tried to attract the attention of hospital staff, transplant patient Robert McCarthy appeared to be barely able to contain his excitement Tuesday while gesturing to the organ he wanted in the surgical wing lobby’s fresh kidney tank. “I want that one, the big one in the corner,” said McCarthy, 46, motioning toward a lively and perfectly bean-shaped renal organ, which medical personnel estimated to be a sprightly 15 years old. “Wow, would you look at the nephrons on that guy? Just one of him ought to be plenty for me—no wonder they say you don’t really need two. Honestly, any of them would probably be great, except maybe that greyish one bobbing at the top.” McCarthy was then helped into a gaily kidney-patterned surgical bib while a doctor used a sterile net and tongs to scoop out his preferred organ.
Sometimes, In My Lowest Moments, I Feel Like No One Would Even Care If I Dyed My Hair #~# Life can be pretty rough when you’re feeling down in the dumps. Maybe it starts because school is stressing you out, or you get into an argument with your best friend, or your big crush rejects you. Or maybe your life is actually going okay, but for some reason your mind keeps taking a turn down some pretty dark paths. I’ll admit that in my own lowest moments, I’ve often felt like no one would really care if I dyed my hair.
Simple Joy Of Childhood Stolen From Toddler Who Was Just Told He Can’t Touch Own Genitals At Dinner Table #~# TOLEDO, OH—In a move that obliterated the final vestiges of his youthful innocence, toddler Charles Mankiewicz, 3, was told Tuesday that he could no longer touch his own genitals at the dinner table, robbing him forever of the simple joy of childhood. “Stop that,” said the child’s joyless parents, ensuring that the small boy would never again indulge in the unleavened pleasure of sticking his hand down his own pants without being overwhelmed by all-consuming shame and deep self-loathing. “You can’t just do that, Charlie.” Sources close to the family report the bright smile and sunny disposition that had once defined the 3-year-old, along with the simple bliss of holding his penis, has given way to a bland numbness as the spark of curiosity fades from his dulled eyes.
Strange, Nightmarish Incident Results In Man Waking Up As Giant Kafka #~# DES MOINES, IA—In what experts are calling a bizarre and confusing incident, local man Allen McIntire reportedly awoke from troubled dreams Tuesday to find himself transformed into a gigantic Kafka. Sources confirmed that the traveling salesman, 30, remained in bed for several minutes after waking, struggling to come to terms with the revelation that his body had somehow taken on the monstrous form of the acclaimed novelist and short story writer during the night. McIntire, upon hearing his mother knock on his bedroom door, attempted to call out to her but was reportedly dismayed to discover he was only capable of communicating in a guttural Czech patois that was incomprehensible to everyone in his family. After opening the door, McIntire’s mother was reportedly aghast at her son’s huge, suit-and-tie-adorned body as McIntire skittered out of bed and towards a typewriter on his desk, where he was overwhelmed with the compulsion to write surrealistic satires lampooning the existential horrors of bureaucracy. At press time, after realizing the economic burden he was placing on his family due to his new, grotesque shape, McIntire had reportedly succumbed to laryngitic tuberculosis and died in obscurity. 
Report: There Never Been A Better Time To Buy Than Right Now #~# YOUR LOCATION—Touting a limited-time offer that you simply couldn’t afford to pass up, a report released Tuesday urged you to order today given that there has never been a better time to buy than right now. “This incredible value could be yours for one low, low price, plus shipping and handling,” read the report in part, adding that this deal, which was not available in stores, was too good to last for much longer. “You could easily expect to pay double or triple what we’re offering. We guarantee you won’t find a better offer anywhere—we’re practically giving these away.” At press time, sources announced that if you ordered in the next 20 minutes, you could receive a second set at no additional cost.
Climate Scientists Confirm There’s Still Time To Blow Up The Earth #~# GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—Warning that millions would starve in the streets unless world leaders took decisive action, scientists representing the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change confirmed Monday that there was still time left to blow up the Earth before irreversible global warming condemned humanity to slow extinction. “By destroying our planet in a nuclear maelstrom now, we can prevent the undue suffering that will otherwise characterize the next century,” said IPCC chairman Hoesung Lee, adding that a mere thousand nuclear weapons strategically placed at crucial active geothermal sites across the globe might be enough to inundate the planet in white-hot magma, putting a merciful end to the failed experiment known as man. “We have the technology to do this, but it won’t be easy, and we have to act immediately. We believed we’d have at least another century to blow up the Earth, but if the human race is to prevent ecological catastrophe, we need to start yesterday. I, for one, don’t want to have to look my grandchildren in the eyes someday and say I could have blown up the hellish world they’re forced to inhabit but chose not to. That would be the height of selfishness.” Lee then presented a series of terrifying mockups of satellite images depicting what a tragically intact Earth might look like in 2040 and beyond.
Saudis Insist Missing Journalist Was Already Dismembered Before He Left Consulate #~# RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Claiming that they could not have played a part in the disappearance, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman issued a statement Monday insisting that the exiled journalist Jamal Khashoggi, who went missing last week, had already been dismembered before he left the Saudi consulate in Istanbul. “According to all reliable sources available at the embassy, Khashoggi’s armless and legless torso was seen leaving the consulate on Thursday,” read the statement, adding that this claim could be backed up by security camera footage showing the journalist’s severed right arm exiting a first-floor elevator earlier the same day, as well as several eyewitnesses who spotted chopped-up body parts hailing a taxi outside of the consulate that afternoon. “Though Khashoggi was a frequent critic of our regime, we can attest that his murder and dismemberment could not have been the work of the Saudi government. The timeline simply doesn’t match up. All we know is that the journalist was covered in blood and missing a lot of limbs when he arrived at the consulate on Tuesday and then left on Thursday—whatever happened to him after that remains a mystery to us. Really, we were stuck cleaning up after him. It was kind of rude to come in and leave a big mess everywhere.” At press time, the journalists reporting on this story had been dismembered.
Sexual Harassment May Have Lasting Health Effects On Women #~# A survey of 300 women conducted at the University of Pittsburgh found that sexual harassment in the workplace can result in reduced sleep and high blood pressure. What do you think?
Senior Citizen Apparently Here To Fix Apartment Sink #~# MADISON, WI—Expressing concern that the octogenarian appears too feeble to get the job done, sources confirmed Monday that the apartment management company had apparently sent a senior citizen to fix the sink. “At first I thought he was a resident who had wandered away from his nursing home, but then he said he was here to fix the leak and asked me to carry his toolbox up the stairs for him,” said roommate Tyler Porter of the elderly maintenance man who let slip a quiet groan as he lowered his frail body to the floor to examine the dripping pipe underneath the kitchen sink. “He stopped moving for a really long time while he was beneath the sink, so I was kind of worried he died. I keep peeking in from the living room to make sure his chest is still rising and falling. Honestly, this dude looks like he might kick it any second.” At press time, Porter announced plans to fix the still-broken sink himself as he couldn’t manage to watch the old man struggle any more.
Middlebury Vermont Town Council Continues 242-Year Tradition Of American Democracy With 4-1 Vote To Rezone Lot For New Popeyes #~# MIDDLEBURY, VT—Following in the hallowed and time-honored civic footsteps of their forefathers, Middlebury town council members continued the 242-year tradition of American democracy Monday with 4-1 vote in favor of rezoning a residential lot to accommodate a new Popeyes Chicken franchise. “I’m always happy to support local businesses, but this new Popeyes would dramatically increase traffic along Route 22, which is already backed up as it is,” said city councillor Ben Calvi, exercising his inalienable right to stand against the majority and, in the process, doing his part to write the next chapter in the story of American freedom. “That intersection already takes forever to get through, and it’s going to be way too busy now.” At press time, experts on constitutional law heaped praise on the newly opened Popeyes in a tradition whose roots reach back over 25 centuries to Solon of Athens.
Senate Confirms Brett Kavanaugh To Supreme Court #~# The Senate voted 50-48 to confirm Judge Brett Kavanaugh, President Trump’s second nominee to the Supreme Court, after a bitterly divided process including allegations of sexual misconduct. What do you think?
Columbus Day Protests Once Again Erupt As Nation Struggles With Its Dark, Anti-Italian Past #~# WASHINGTON—In a continuation of decades of attempts to improve relations for the historically marginalized group, Columbus Day protests once again erupted across the United States Monday as the nation continues to struggle with the darkness of its anti-Italian past. “Unfortunately, ever since Italians have had a presence in America, we have been treated like second-class citizens. No matter how much progress we make, there’s still a strong anti-Italian sentiment in America, and every year, Columbus Day reminds us just how far we still have to go,” said Benedetta Rizzo, current head of the Italian-American Anti-Defamation Society, claiming that the numerous anti-Columbus Day protests around the country demonstrate how Italian-Americans have not yet seen the end of such slurs such as “guido,” “dago,” “guinea,” “wop,” “Tony,” “papist,” “ginso,” “greaser,” or “polenta-eater” and, in many regions, still live in fear of racially motivated attacks. “I remember hearing my parents tell stories of being teased in the school cafeteria for having slices of Italian pizza pie in their lunch boxes. It’s unconscionable that even today, so many people join anti-Italian demonstrations. These are still frightening times for Italian-Americans. There are still people out here who treat us like we’re filthy Irish animals.” Rizzo added that the IAADS would be holding a candlelight vigil later tonight in honor of the Italian-Americans who lost their lives as a result of Columbus Day violence.
Taylor Swift Breaks Political Silence To Throw Support Behind Restoring Shōgun To Throne Of Japan #~# NEW YORK—In a heartfelt social media statement to her fans, singer–songwriter Taylor Swift broke her long-standing political silence Monday to support restoring an all-powerful shōgun to its rightful place on the throne of Japan. “Hey guys, Taylor here—I’m writing this post because I’ve been inspired by recent events to speak up about why we need to install an all-powerful military dictatorship in Japan’s imperial palace,” said the famously apolitical pop star, admitting that in the past, she had been “reluctant” to voice her long-held support for Japan’s famously brutal system of medieval clan-based governance, but felt differently after witnessing the country’s decay since the final shōgun, Tokugawa Yoshinobu, fell from power in 1868. “I believe that a weak-willed democratic Japan is WRONG. I believe the dilution of the proud Tokugawa Clan’s samurai class is WRONG. Please, please educate yourself on the Meiji Restoration’s folly. Only through the blood and steel of a true shōgunate ruler can Japan flourish. Thanks for reading. XOXOXO.” At press time, bloggers had criticized Swift for going too far after she called on current Emperor Akihito to immediately surrender his throne and commit seppuku for disgracing Japan.
Therapists Recommend Treating People Like Shit If You’re Having A Bad Day #~# ATHENS, GA—Explaining that the behavior provided multiple mental health benefits, a team of top therapists at the University of Georgia’s Department of Psychology issued a statement Monday recommending treating people like shit if you’re having a bad day. “We would strongly advise anyone who finds themselves feeling hopeless or down in the dumps to just go fucking off with both barrels on a nearby friend or coworker,” said research psychologist Richard Morgan, adding that actions such as screaming at a partner or dressing down a subordinate at work have been shown to greatly alleviate feelings of depression and melancholy, more so than medication or therapy. “Make sure not to bottle it up, as projecting your insecurities onto others or just flat-out insulting those who care about you the most leads to an instant increase in endorphins and dopamine. You don’t even have to know the person; we found that people who regularly channel their inner turmoil into lashing out at waitresses or customer service representatives have lower blood pressure, lead longer lives, and report overall higher levels of happiness.” The therapists also added that should the behavior not produce the desired effect, you are probably not being mean enough to others and should ramp up your attacks.
Magpie Worried Mate Only Interested In Him For Collection Of Shiny Objects #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Unable to completely dismiss his doubt over his partner’s motives, a male North American black-billed magpie admitted Monday his concerns that his mate was only interested in him for the vast collection of shiny objects lining his nest. “I invited her over to the tree to chill, but she spent more time fondling my disco ball keychain than talking to me,” said the bird, who reluctantly answered his beloved’s increasingly detailed questions about how he amassed so many foil gum wrappers. “I’m more than just a single misplaced pendant earring—I have a lot to offer someone. I really want to be with her, but do I have to keep collecting more and more shiny things to keep her satisfied?” At press time, the magpie, who, like all corvids, is intelligent enough to perform rudimentary counting, was “fairly sure” his stash of glittery hair ties had been dwindling recently.
Pope Francis Renounces Papacy After Falling In Love With Beautiful American Divorcee #~# VATICAN CITY—Saying he could no longer fulfill his duties as the leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis officially renounced the papacy Monday after admitting that he had fallen in love with a beautiful American divorcee. “I cannot effectively complete my obligations as the Supreme Pontiff while also pursuing a relationship with my exquisite, perfect Linda,” said the former Bishop of Rome, detailing his whirlwind romance with the 62-year-old CPA and recently divorced mother of three, whom he met while on a walking tour through the Piazza Navona. “Linda has given me the most spectacular two weeks I’ve ever experienced; we rode Vespas through the cobbled streets of Rome, shared gelato in the Campo de’ Fiori, and tossed coins into the Trevi Fountain. That’s why tomorrow, I will be moving into Linda’s condo in Des Moines to start a new life with her. I worship the ground she walks on, and I want to devote the rest of my days to loving Linda.” His ex-Holiness added that he was nervous about telling Linda that he’s still a virgin and hopes she would let him take things slow.
Atlanta Plans Change To Names Of Streets Honoring Confederacy #~# Atlanta announced plans to change the name of several streets honoring the Confederacy, noting that “the imagery and symbolism of these names [...] represent systematic injustice, persecution and cruelty. That is not who we are as a city.” What do you think?
Woman In Waiting Area Feels Twinge Of Betrayal While Watching Her Hairdresser Making Small Talk With Another #~# CHICAGO—Increasingly confused and embittered after noticing several eerie similarities over the course of their chit-chat, local woman Carrie Vance reportedly felt a twinge of betrayal Friday while sitting in the waiting room of her local salon and watching her hairdresser make small talk with another customer. “What the hell? I thought we had something special,” said Vance, looking on in horror as she overheard her hair stylist asking the other woman about her job and the weather just as the two of them had discussed at their first appointment three months earlier. “Now she’s asking her where she’s originally from? Wow, this sort of stings. We had such a nice conversation during my last haircut—I really thought she was opening up to me—and now it’s clear it was all an act. God, I feel like such an idiot.” At press time, Vance reported feeling “completely devastated” after her hairdresser began their follow-up appointment by repeating the exact same smalltalk as when they first met.
U.N. Court Orders U.S. To Ease Sanctions Against Iran #~# The United Nations ordered the U.S. to ease some of its sanctions on Iran on the import of humanitarian goods and civil aviation. What do you think?
Senator Feinstein Wondering If Now A Good Time To Disclose 7 Highly Credible Murder Allegations Against Kavanaugh She Received Weeks Ago #~# WASHINGTON—Weighing the importance of the information against the potential political fallout, Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) debated Friday whether or not now might be a prudent time to introduce into discussion the seven highly credible murder accusations against Brett Kavanaugh that were given to her in August. “Roughly five weeks ago, the family members of five slain women and two men presented me with dozens of file boxes full of concrete, corroborated evidence that Kavanaugh was personally and solely responsible for the deaths, and I’m now experiencing a strong feeling that maybe the other Senators, the media, and the American public should know,” said Feinstein, who also disclosed that dozens of people had come forward with information further connecting Kavanaugh to a string of brutal stranglings committed from 1986 to 2011, but had been turned away over concerns that it wasn’t relevant to the confirmation process. “His fingerprints are all over the crime scenes, there is DNA evidence from blood he left, and there are three dozen eyewitnesses. But information like that could really energize the Republican base, so you can see my dilemma here.” At press time, Feinstein had decided to sit on the evidence until a more politically expedient time.
Kavanaugh Blasted For Destroying Reputation Of Good Man  #~# WASHINGTON—Decrying the tactics as a smear campaign against an exemplary judge, Republicans blasted Brett Kavanaugh Friday for destroying the sterling reputation of a good man. “It’s despicable that this individual waited until the 11th hour to engage in offensive, partisan attacks in an attempt to discredit a decent and upstanding man,” said Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA), noting that Kavanaugh’s recriminations had repeatedly made a mockery of the entire confirmation process. “We’re talking about a devoted husband and father who was the top of his class at Yale and received accolades from the American Bar Association. And now his life has been destroyed by a completely non-credible individual bent on revenge. He has cast a cloud over this esteemed man and he should be deeply ashamed of the damage he has done to his family and the country as a whole.” Grassley added that he was confident the nomination of a morally upright man who had served his country for decades would not be derailed by the ravings of an inveterate liar like Kavanaugh. 
Trump Wakes Up Covered In Dozens Of Small Cuts After Being Chased Through Dreams By Razor-Blade-Fingered Robert Mueller #~# WASHINGTON—Slowly coming to the realization that something was terribly wrong, President Trump reportedly awoke Friday to discover his entire body covered in dozens of small cuts after being chased through his dreams by a menacing Robert Mueller brandishing fingers covered in razor blades. “Oh, thank God. It was just a dream,” said Trump, just before seeing the very real, tiny wounds on his arms and chest that mirrored the lacerations he had received as the psychotic special prosecutor pursued him down the halls of the White House within his nightmare, laughing maniacally while he slashed violently at the president. “What—no. This isn’t possible. It was a dream! It was just a dream!” Trump later discovered that he was still asleep the moment Robert Mueller’s razor claws burst through the president’s mattress, dragging his struggling body down into its seemingly endless depths.
Art Experts Confirm Guggenheim Museum A Forgery #~# NEW YORK—Suspicious after many patrons noted the hollow thunking noise produced by knocking on the building’s exterior, a group of forensic architects confirmed Friday that the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum, long an architectural mainstay of Manhattan’s Upper East side was, in fact, a forgery. “It seems like a legit Lloyd Wright at first, but the colors are a little dull. The original ‘Gug’ has four sections in the cylindrical part instead of only three, and if you go around in back, you can see an entre wing is missing,” said architectural historian Rupert Montgomery, who further noted the cheap plywood construction and the fact that the roof of the knock-off Guggenheim, unlike most of Frank Lloyd Wright’s creations, does not leak. “We compared this current ‘Guggenheim’ with some older photos and realized the switch happened about 2012, which is when modern American impressionist museums began fetching huge sums on the black market. The real Guggenheim is almost certainly in some Saudi’s private collection by now.” Montgomery recommended that cities always keep an eye on their major landmarks, especially during the tourist season.
Annoying Guy In Movie Theater Constantly Screaming ‘Get Out Of There, You Idiot’ At Bradley Cooper’s Character In ‘A Star Is Born’ #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Evidently shocked by on-screen events to the point of committing spontaneous breaches of filmgoing etiquette, a man at a Twin Cities showing of A Star Is Born repeatedly annoyed his fellow moviegoers by screaming “Get out of there, you idiot!” every time Bradley Cooper’s character appeared on the screen. “Oh God, oh God, oh God—no!” the man said in an apparent attempt to warn Jackson Maine, the successful but self-destructive rockstar portrayed by Cooper in his directorial debut, of some sort of threat presumably posed by the unknown but incandescently talented singer–songwriter Ally (Lady Gaga), seemingly completely unaware he was disturbing and distracting his fellow filmgoers. “No! Don’t pick up the guitar! You idiot, that’s exactly what she wants you to do! Just run away! Run!” Theater employees later escorted the man from the premises after he showered all viewers within 10 feet of him with the contents of his popcorn bucket upon seeing Ally and Jackson sharing a spontaneous kiss.
Alan Alda Realizes It’s Less Important Than What’s Going On, But Wonders If People Know He’s Getting SAG Life Achievement Award #~# LOS ANGELES—Freely admitting that his accomplishment was no more than a mere blip on the radar in the grand scheme of things, actor Alan Alda announced Thursday that while it’s certainly much less important than almost everything else currently transpiring, he does in fact wonder if people are aware he’s getting a Life Achievement Award from the Screen Actors Guild. “This award is—in the limited frame of reference that is my own life—a pretty big deal, so I just can’t help but be curious if it’s crossed anyone’s mind. If not, that’s fine, mind you, seeing as there are so many more important stories in the news these days,” said the celebrated actor, emphasizing that although the recognition is certainly nowhere near as significant as Brett Kavanaugh’s controversial Supreme Court nomination, the Me Too and Black Lives Matter movements, widespread, growing economic inequality and disparity, the tumultuous Trump presidency, and continued accelerating environmental decay, he still believes a show-business career that has resulted in six Golden Globes, six Emmy Awards, three Tony nominations, and an Oscar nomination to be worth at least a little attention. “I mean, sure, it’s not a Nobel Prize, but in its own way, it’s still pretty impressive. Dr. Hawkeye Pierce may not have cured cancer or anything, but my performance on M*A*S*H brought joy to millions of people for over a decade, and I like to think that’s got to count for something. I know, I know, it’s just an award, but they don’t hand it out to just anyone, and I think it’s, you know, just nice to get a little recognition, even for something as trivial as a decades-long entertainment career.” Alda went on to apologize for the role his involvement with M*A*S*H may have contributed to the glorification of the U.S. military-industrial complex.
Trump Received At Least $413 Million From His Father #~# A New York Times report suggests Donald Trump received at least $413 million in inheritance from his father’s real estate empire, likely through “dubious tax schemes” that raise the spectre of an investigation from the New York Tax Department. What do you think?
Dick Durbin Wakes Up Chained To Radiator With Instructions To Saw Open Own Stomach To Access Kavanaugh Report #~# WASHINGTON—Stirring from his chloroform-induced stupor to discover a handwritten note shoved inside his pocket, Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) reportedly awoke Thursday chained to a radiator with instructions to saw open his own stomach if he wished to access the FBI’s report on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “You have 15 minutes to retrieve the document, read it, and get to the chamber to cast your vote,” said Durbin, who slowly became cognizant of the binder-shaped bulge pressing against the jagged stitches transecting his abdomen. “The vote is Saturday. If you ever want to know what’s inside that report, cut it out now. There will be no further instructions.” At press time, Durbin had gingerly drawn the rusty hacksaw provided by his captors across the first few inches of his distended gut before being interrupted by a groggy Senator Cory Booker emerging from a nearby bathtub.
Top Candidates For The 2018 Nobel Peace Prize #~# There are 331 candidates for the 2018 Nobel Peace Prize laureate, whom the Norwegian Nobel Committee will reveal on Friday. The Onion takes a look at the top contenders for this year’s Peace Prize.
World’s Leading Scientists Nervously Stand Next To Poster-Board Displays As Nobel Committee Walks Through Gymnasium #~# STOCKHOLM—Anxiously awaiting critiques from the judges, the world’s leading scientists nervously stood next to their poster-board displays Thursday as the Nobel Committee made its way through a gymnasium, inspecting their projects. “I stayed up all night cutting out stenciled letters, mounting my results on construction paper, and using glue stick to get these cryo-electron microscope images onto my poster board,” said molecular biologist Richard Henderson, eyeing his competitors’ various displays of wind tunnels, volcanoes, and mathematical models illustrating the exponential expansion of space following the Big Bang. “The competition’s pretty serious this year. I saw one of the other scientists dropping Mentos into a two-liter bottle of Coke, and it looked pretty cool. Meanwhile, one of my graphs describing the three-dimensional structure of biomolecules fell off my poster right as the committee was walking by. I really hope that’s not going to affect my chances of winning the Nobel Prize.” At press time, sources confirmed theoretical physicist and cosmologist Alan Guth had been disqualified after the committee concluded his parents had clearly done most of the work for him.
Tour Guide One Stop Behind Clearly Giving More Interesting Tour #~# WASHINGTON—Pointing to a more animated presentation style and a charisma that was evident from only a few overheard words, members of the Hidden Treasures Capitol tour confirmed Thursday that the guide one stop behind them was clearly giving a far more interesting tour. “As we were leaving the Rotunda, I could just make him out telling the group after ours some sort of fascinating-sounding story about George Washington laying the cornerstone of the capitol that our guy didn’t even mention,” said tour-goer Lisa Snow, adding that the guide behind them appeared to be cracking jokes and throwing in personal anecdotes to add some local color, in stark contrast to her own docent, whose lack of passion was evident from the way he mumbled through an explanation of architect Charles Bulfinch adding the dome in the 1850s. “I can’t believe I wasted $30 on this loser when I could have been lead around by a real talent if I’d just waited until the 2:30. I even contemplated holding back and trying to sneak into his group, but somebody probably would have noticed.” Snow added that at least she wasn’t with the tour guide one stop ahead, who had repeatedly forced her group to wait around as he wrapped up his long-winded spiel.
Trump To Press: ‘I Consider You Part Of The Democratic Party’ #~# At a press conference announcing a newly renegotiated NAFTA, the president shot down questions from the press about Brett Kavanaugh multiple times and told them he considers them “part of the Democratic Party.” What do you think?
Iowa Aims To Keep Young People From Moving Out Of State With New ‘The Stress Will Kill Your Mother’ Retention Campaign #~# DES MOINES, IA—In an effort to boost economic growth and retain residents who would otherwise pursue a more exciting and lucrative lifestyle in other areas, Iowa state officials unveiled a new population retention campaign Thursday designed to appeal to younger Iowans’ sense of filial piety with the slogan “The Stress Will Kill Your Mother.” “We hope this campaign sells our native sons and daughters on the Hawkeye State by reminding them just how much pain their departure would cause the woman who gave birth to them. Because, let’s be clear: Your mother’s heart will literally stop,” said Iowa Economic Development Authority director Debi Durham in a press conference advising Iowan millennials to find a nice apartment that’s close enough to home that they can visit on weekends. “You would kill your mother by moving out of state. Sure, big cities might have a bunch of fancy shops and restaurants, jobs there would pay you enough to frequent those places, and you probably wouldn’t have to live within a mile of a million-gallon open-air hog-feces retaining pool. But nothing compares to a home-cooked meal prepared by your proud, healthy, living mother.” Durham brought her speech to a close by alluding to forthcoming retention campaigns with slogans such as “Don’t Be Ungrateful” and “Your Mother Is Very Frail.”
Amazon Raises Minimum Wage For Workers To $15 #~# Starting Nov. 1, Amazon will pay all of its 250,000 U.S. employees at least $15 an hour and begin lobbying for an increase to the $7.25 federal minimum wage. What do you think?
Clinton Laughs Off Idea She Politically Savvy Enough To Launch Revenge Campaign On Kavanaugh #~# CHAPPAQUA, NY—Brushing aside insinuations that she had anything to do with the rancorous confirmation process, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton laughed off Wednesday the idea that she was politically savvy enough to run a revenge campaign against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “It’s utterly ridiculous to think that I, of all people, would have the political acumen to take down Judge Kavanaugh,” said Clinton, who pointed to her squandering what amounted to a sure bet to be elected president in 2016 as proof that she was far too inept to perpetrate the kind of elaborate political hit job on Kavanaugh that others had accused her of. “Come on, did you see the way I bungled all those allegations about my emails during the race? Or my totally pathetic efforts in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania? I haven’t even been able to shed false accusations of murder from 25 years ago. If I had tried to derail his confirmation, the whole scheme would have backfired and he’d be sitting on the Supreme Court by now.” Clinton also scoffed at the notion that she would have any impulse to do anything about the Supreme Court pick other than play up his right-wing views while soliciting donations from her base.
Ted Cruz Heckled Out Of D.C. Restaurant #~# In response to his support for Brett Kavanaugh, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was forced out of the D.C. restaurant Fiola last week by protesters. What do you think?
Bill Gates Offering $1 Million To Anyone Who Can Design Condom He Can’t Break #~# MEDINA, WA—Explaining that not a single one has ever been able to contain his “monster hog,” billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates reportedly offered $1 million Wednesday to any person who designs a condom he can’t break. “While I wish all who enter good luck, I should warn you that the most gifted minds have repeatedly failed to develop a rubber that can withstand the thrusting of this massive, throbbing one-eyed monster of mine. My gigantic cock splits them apart every time,” said Gates, adding, “I know how to fucking work it,” and that he will likely just put most participants’ contraceptives “through their paces with my anaconda dick.” “Peek into our bedroom, and all you’ll find is a graveyard of sad, tattered condoms. Trojans, Magnums, Skyns, it doesn’t matter—when I bust a nut, the pathetic latex bursts apart like a firehose blasting through a piece of goddamn paper. Frankly, I don’t see why this katana of mine won’t simply cut through every sheath on planet Earth, the way I shoot my load. I commend whoever dares tame this beast; however, it’s almost certain to be a losing battle.” At press time, a nude, fully erect Gates stood towering over what remained of more than 10,000 torn and tattered experimental contraceptives.
FBI Agent Still Tasked With Following Noam Chomsky Around Prepares For Another Day In Local Panera #~# TUCSON, AZ—Sighing as he settled into a corner table in the fast-casual eatery, FBI agent Thomas Vaughn, who is still tasked by the intelligence agency with following around left-wing writer Noam Chomsky, was reportedly preparing Wednesday for another day in a local Panera Bread. “I know we’ve been trailing this guy for decades to find out whether he’s trying to subvert the U.S. government, but I’m pretty sure he’s just an old man ordering a half sandwich and soup—again,” said the frustrated agent, adding that he was tired of trying to look busy for multiple hours a day in the Panera while spying on the 89-year-old linguist and activist slowly eating lunch while reading a James Patterson novel or doing Sudokus. “Then I’ll have to follow him to the dry cleaners and the pet store, but if Chomsky buying cat food is actually a signal to left-wing cells as part of some radical plot to overthrow capitalism, I think I would’ve figured that out by now. And tonight, I guess I’ll file another report that I sat in the van for five hours and listened through the devices we secretly installed in his house to hear that he and his wife are planning to go to Taos for the weekend and also want to replace the deck. Seems like a good use of the FBI’s time and resources.” At press time, Vaughn was calling FBI headquarters with a tip that Chomsky may be helping to fund a working-class uprising after fishing through a Panera trash can and finding a receipt showing he left a 25 percent tip.
Newly Discovered DNA Evidence Suggests Children Could Be Closely Related To Humans #~# BERKELEY, CA—In what may pose a major paradigm shift in the rudimentary understanding of the small creatures, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley discovered evidence Wednesday that suggests children may, in fact, be closely related to humans. “After painstakingly extracting, sequencing, and analyzing dozens of ancient little-boy fossils, our team has come to the conclusion that there is a strong likelihood that contemporary homo sapiens are a direct, if distant, descendant of children,” said Dr. Evan Rollins of the findings, which seem to indicate that little kids and human beings may have a genetic difference of less than 1 percent. “Our two species have coexisted for millennia, and we can now say that babies—although much smaller and barely capable of using basic plastic tools—may, in fact, be our forebears. It’s all really quite astounding.” However, some researchers on the project are reevaluating the study after observing a child picking its nose and eating it.
Ted Cruz Vs. Beto O’Rourke #~# The Texas Senate race between incumbent Republican Ted Cruz and his challenger, Democrat Beto O’Rourke, has become a high-profile contest with implications for both the state and on the national stage. The Onion breaks down the differences between the candidates.
God Admits There Was Probably A Better Way Of Giving Humans Taste Of Heavenly Bliss Than Opioids #~# HEAVEN—Expressing His regret over the damage wrought by the divine substance, Supreme Being and Creator of All Things God admitted Wednesday that He could probably have devised a better way to give humans a taste of heavenly bliss than opioids. “I just wanted man to have a preview of how awesome the afterlife will be—just the briefest glimpse, mind you—but it seems as if I once again gave them an inch and they took a mile,” said the ruler of all the universe in a rare admission of His ill-considered, if well-intentioned, contribution to the crisis-level prescription pain reliever abuse currently afflicting the United States. “It’s the whole knowledge-of-good-and-evil thing all over again, isn’t it? Except this time, I probably should have made, say, oranges feel this amazing instead of picking a physically debilitating and addictive substance.” The Lord also expressed misgivings about interweaving the ineffable fragrance of heaven with that of spray paint fumes.
Lions, Zebras, Giraffes Run Off Cliff Shrieking En Masse As Shadow Of Melania Trump’s Jet Passes Over Savanna #~# DABOYA, GHANA—Birds fell from the sky, meerkats devoured their young, and shrieking packs of lions, zebras, and baboons reportedly ran off cliffs in staggering numbers as the shadow of Melania Trump’s jet passed over the African savanna Tuesday. Sources confirmed that as the plane carrying the first lady moved across the sky high above the grasslands, herds of wildebeests were spotted stampeding directly into each other, their hoofbeats drowned out by the deafening sound of snapping bones, while a nearby pair of giraffes was seen ripping apart a screeching hyena. According to reports, the severed hyena then attempted to drown itself by dragging the top half of its body to a watering hole, which was thick with the blood of a dozen hippopotamuses that appeared to be eagerly devouring their own entrails. After the aircraft disappeared over the horizon, the hysteria reportedly ended and the savanna quickly returned to normal, with vultures descending upon the thousands of carcasses that lay rotting in the first lady’s wake.
U.S. And Canada Reach Deal To Replace NAFTA #~# Touting it as a “historic new dawn,” President Trump announced the USMCA, a replacement for NAFTA that updates intellectual property requirements and opens U.S. access to the Canadian dairy market, amongst other changes. What do you think?
Kavanaugh Starting To Get Worried About Not Hearing Back After Job Interview #~# WASHINGTON—Frantically pacing around his home, pausing only to refresh his email inbox and check his phone’s call log, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was starting to get worried Tuesday about not hearing back from his potential employers after his job interview. “Oh man, oh man—it’s almost been a week already and still nothing? It seemed like we established a great rapport. I mean, they must have been interested if they brought me back for a second interview, right? Hell, we even delved into some personal stuff from high school, so that’s a good sign,” said Kavanaugh, who had, in a state of panic, reached out to his list of personal references to see if they had been contacted in regards to his candidacy. “Shit, I really want this job. They didn’t mention interviewing anyone else for the position, but maybe they were? I feel like I asked them some pretty decent questions, too. And I mentioned I went to Yale. Fuck, what if I forgot to bring that up?” At press time, Kavanaugh was nervously rewording a follow-up email so that he didn’t come off as too desperate. 
White House Corrects Transcript To Add Few More Insults About Female Reporter #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that the current record failed to accurately represent the exchange that occurred during Monday’s press conference, White House officials announced Tuesday their correction of the official transcript to add a few more insults about the involved female reporter. “We’ve released a new transcript of the exchange between President Trump and ABC News’s Cecilia Vega that precisely reflects how tired Ms. Vega looked, how ugly her dress was, and how whiny her voice sounded,” read the accompanying statement from the White House, explaining that the original record of the conversation omitted far too many misogynistic and disparaging remarks to be truly representative of the president’s intentions. “It’s our duty to make sure that the official transcript reflects not only how little we think of Ms. Vega as a reporter, but also of the entire failing ABC fake-news operation as a whole. At the time of the exchange, President Trump was very frustrated and exhausted with how utterly pathetic the reporter’s question was, so he unfortunately let slip fewer barbs about her physical appearance and intellectual capabilities than he would have otherwise.” At press time, the record had been corrected once more to deny the existence of any previous version of the transcript.
Paper Towels On Amazon Surge To $2,000 A Roll After Crippling Cost Increase Of Paying Workers A Living Wage #~# SEATTLE—Hours after the online retailer’s announcement that it would increase the minimum hourly pay rate to $15 for all its U.S. employees, Amazon confirmed Tuesday that paper towels sold on its website had surged to $2,000 per roll due to the crippling cost of paying workers a living wage. “Unfortunately, Amazon’s low payroll expenses were the only thing that kept the price of a three-pack of sponges under $75,000,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, who acknowledged that while increasing the price of every single product on the company’s site by more than a thousandfold was not ideal, there was simply no other way to pay employees an income necessary to meet basic needs. “Obviously, we’d love to offer competitive compensation that allows Amazon employees to afford food, clothing, shelter, and healthcare without the cost of a dozen fine-point pens skyrocketing from $12.79 to $17,500, but it just isn’t possible. There is no way to sell Transparent for less than $1.5 million per episode without crushing our growth.” The e-commerce giant went on to note that it could no longer afford to offer shipping, and all customers would now be required to pick up their orders in person at an Amazon fulfillment center in Kenosha, WI.
Cure For Cancer Only 10 Years Away, Announce Scientists Who Work Better Under A Deadline #~# CAMBRIDGE—Admitting that setting clear goalposts would help them with their tendency to procrastinate, scientists at Harvard University who work better under a deadline announced Tuesday that a cure for cancer was only 10 years away. “Okay, we’re coming out and saying, right now, that cancer will be completely eradicated by 2028,” said lead researcher Hana Ward, telling reporters that now that they’d committed to a timeline, it would really push them to stop messing around and get to work. “We’ve all put it in our calendars, so we should be good to go. As soon as we’re done with this press conference, it’s going to be all curing cancer all the time. We urge Americans to remind us of our commitment and really hold our feet to the fire about this to ensure we’re not slacking off. To be on the safe side, we’d recommend that you check back in with us in five years or so to make sure we’re still on track.” Ward added that her team actually had a couple quick things to take care of, but they’d be really putting their noses to the grindstone come next week.
Area Man Always Carbo-Loading Just In Case #~# MCKINNEY, TX—In a practice designed to prepare him for the unpredictability of life in general, systems analyst Anthony Cochrane, 29, has consumed multiple servings of spaghetti, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, toast, doughnuts, snack crackers, and garlic bread so far this week, a nutrition regimen he pursues “just to be safe.” “I try and keep my kitchen constantly stocked with bagels, pasta, English muffins, cereal, corn muffins, rice, white bread, sourdough, French bread, and maybe a loaf of rye, because one really never knows when they’ll be expected to run a half-marathon or a charity 5K,” said Cochrane, using bean dip to adhere a second tortilla wrap to his routine midnight burrito, which provides a much-needed source of glycogen on impromptu sunrise hikes or long-distance 6 a.m. bicycle treks. “Sugars and starches might be unhealthy for sedentary types, but you don’t want to be stuck with low energy in a spur-of-the-moment 400-meter match race or rock climbing expedition. That’s why I always ‘top up’ with yogurt, chips, and Clif bars between the four courses of my breakfasts, my sandwiches at lunch, and the chicken parm and pot pie at dinner.” At press time, Cochrane was observed vomiting up a high-carbohydrate melange of noodle casserole, french fries, and baked yams roughly 200 meters into a charity fun run.
Coca-Cola May Move Into Marijuana Products #~# The Coca-Cola Company and Aurora Cannabis are in talks to develop a potential drink using CBD, a component of marijuana that reduces pain and promotes relaxation. What do you think?
Nation’s Little Piggies Demand A Sweet Treat #~# WASHINGTON—Smacking their plump lips in anticipation as they squealed for piles upon piles of sugary delights, the nation’s little piggies took to the streets of the nation’s capital Tuesday to demand their sweet treats. “Oh, please, please, please! Our tummies need their yummies, and they need them now!” piped thousands of wee squeakers, rubbing their plump bellies and wiggling their chubby, sticky little fingers as they gurgled plaintively for something glazed in icing or heaped with frosting. “Give us a yum yum? We’ve been so very good! And now we want gumdrops, lollipops, jelly beans, trifles, and lashings and lashings of luscious chocolates! We promise if you just give us one little custard, we’ll be ever so good! We shan’t ask for another ever, ever again! Oh, pretty please!” At press time, the dear little roly-poly dumplings had disappeared into a fog of confectioners sugar as they fell greedily upon the tray of Turkish delight provided to silence them.
Homeland Security Director Releases List Of Terrorists Who Don’t Have The Balls To Attack U.S. #~# WASHINGTON—Dismissing the individuals in question as lacking the depth of character necessary to pose a credible national security threat, Homeland Security director Kirstjen Nielsen released a watch list Tuesday of terrorists who don’t have the balls to participate in a direct attack on the United States. “The men and women on this list represent some of the world’s biggest shit-talking pussies, people who say they’re all about bringing death to America but who wouldn’t dare set foot on U.S. soil, much less commit an act of terror. I’m daring…no, I’m begging any one of you chickenshits to try us,” said Nielsen in a press conference while extending her arm and repeatedly curling her fingers in a “bring it” gesture, inviting any of the 25 persons of interest to “come get hit if you’re gonna talk shit.” “My top priority as Homeland Security director is to protect Americans and, frankly, these whiny bitches make my job easy. None of them have the cojones to perpetrate an attack on fucking Schaumburg, IL let alone a major U.S. city.” Director Nielsen then boarded an Air Force jet making scheduled stops in Northern Ireland, the Basque highlands, and several spots in the Middle East in an effort to “see if these pansies will say that shit to my face.”
Chuck Grassley Scratches ‘Christine Blasey’s A Slut’ Into Senate Bathroom Stall #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to undermine the credibility of the woman who testified that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh had sexually assaulted her in high school, Senator Chuck Grassley reportedly scratched “Christine Blasey’s a slut” into a Senate bathroom stall Monday. Sources confirmed that Grassley, 85, an Iowa Republican who has served in the Senate since 1981, spent 20 minutes grinning to himself while using a key to etch the message into the paint on the stall door and saying, “That’ll show the lying tramp for dragging Brett through the mud.” Other writing adjacent to Grassley’s message on the Capitol building stall reportedly included “For a good time call Monica Lewinsky,” a crude drawing of a penis ejaculating onto a woman labeled “Hillary Clinton,” as well as a nearly 30-year-old faded message in black Sharpie reading “Anita Hill is a whore” that Grassley recognized as his own handwriting. At press time, Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT) and Senator Jeff Flake (R-AZ) had led FBI investigators into the bathroom to show them the message, saying it offered conclusive evidence that Dr. Blasey Ford’s accusations were entirely baseless and that she clearly had no integrity whatsoever.
Elon Musk Forced To Step Down As Tesla Chairman #~# Tesla founder Elon Musk was forced to step down as the company’s chairman two days after the SEC filed a fraud case against him, although he will retain his CEO role. What do you think?
Nation Urged To Be Extra Sensitive To Men Reliving Trauma Of Not Getting Something #~# WASHINGTON—Admonishing everyone who knows, works with, or is related to a man to consider the feelings of men for whom the Kavanaugh hearing may have dredged up painful denial-related memories, experts urged the U.S. populace Monday to be extra sensitive to those men who are currently being forced to relive the trauma of wanting a thing but not automatically getting that thing. “It’s certainly not easy to watch Brett Kavanaugh live out this nightmare on the national stage, and our hearts go out to all men who have ever experienced something similar—if you know a man who has ever been denied something or who even feels as if they have been denied something, be sure to make time to check in with them and let them know that you support them,” said specialist Robert Kusinski of the Harvard Center for Masculine Trauma, explaining the importance of excessive empathy in understanding the overarching isolation, shame, and anger felt by adult males who have never even briefly been denied something they wanted upon hearing any version of the word “no.” “Please make sure that you’re mindful of your tone and be kind. Trump-era men have been asked, sometimes even more than once, to relive the traumatic experience of not automatically getting something they desire. The shock of this new experience, on top of not being given something they want, takes an enormous toll on a man. Even the 93 percent of men who eventually do in fact receive the thing they wanted often find themselves experiencing latent feelings of rejection and humiliation, memories of which can return in full force if triggered by high-visibility public events such as poor Mr. Kavanaugh’s ordeal. It’s crucial for non-men to remember that men are grieving right now, and they need you to be there for them.” Kusinski further stressed that, when comforting a man who has experienced this trauma, one should also make sure to apologize sincerely and profusely for any role they may have played in the victim previously not receiving something they wanted.
Annoyed Movers Weren’t Expecting Client To Have Belongings #~# BOULDER, CO—Expressing their consternation at the unwelcome surprise, employees of Barrington Brothers Moving & Storage Company told reporters Monday they hadn’t expected their client to have belongings. “We thought this was just going to be a standard job where we drive the truck up to the client’s old apartment, take a look around, and then drive to the new place,” said mover Alexander Manginis, adding that the man who had hired them had given no indication that his studio apartment was full of possessions. “We show up and we see at least a half dozen boxes full of stuff that he expects us to carry down two flights of stairs. Not only that, but there were several pieces of furniture, most of which were quite heavy. We were all like, What’s going on here? Needless to say, we’ll be expecting a pretty sizable tip for going above and beyond.” At press time, Manginis was outraged to discover that his client also expected the movers to carry his belongings up to his new apartment.
Newly Sober Kavanaugh Introduces Sponsor Who Says He Needs Supreme Court Seat As Part Of Recovery #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the lifetime appointment would provide vital structure and purpose, newly sober Brett Kavanaugh introduced his Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor who claimed that the judge needs this Supreme Court seat as part of his recovery, sources confirmed Monday. “Listen, Brett checks in with me every morning, and I know he wants to make things right, but he’s vulnerable right now, and I’m afraid you’re opening him up to a relapse if he doesn’t get this gig on the Supreme Court,” said sponsor and recovering alcoholic John Palladino at a press conference, adding that losing this opportunity could send Kavanaugh into a spiral of negative and compulsive behavior not seen since his days at Yale. “We need to support him in his sobriety, because you saw how hurt and how angry he got just talking about his drinking problem the other day, and I fear for what it could do to his poor family if he doesn’t get this seat on the highest court in the land. Brett just got his 10-day chip and really needs our encouragement and help, and maybe a place to crash for a bit while he gets back on track.” At press time, Kavanaugh was using his 10-day chip to play quarters.
Chris Pine Depressed By Realization He Could Probably Win Governorship Somewhere #~# LOS ANGELES—Taking a moment to reflect on his potential career trajectory, actor Chris Pine reportedly became depressed Monday by the sudden realization that he could probably win a governorship somewhere. “Oh God—I could just waltz into any state and win, and it’d be so easy,” said the star of several major films, including Wonder Woman, A Wrinkle In Time, and the rebooted Star Trek series, processing the sad truth that he would need only to establish residency in his chosen state before nearly effortlessly ascending to one of its top positions of political influence. “I could say I’m a Democrat or a Republican—it wouldn’t matter. I wouldn’t even have to have a platform and a ton of people would still vote for me, no questions asked. I guess by becoming an actor, I’ve been laying the groundwork for this my entire life. Goddamn it.” At press time, Pine had become even more depressed by the further realization that he could be “a huge asshole” to everyone around him and probably still win.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg Voices Support For #MeToo #~# In the wake of the sexual assault allegations against Brett Kavanaugh, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg spoke up in support of #MeToo, saying that “we will all be better off for it, men, women and children.” What do you think?
Man Has Absolutely No Clue How Old Anyone He Knows Is #~# LEAVENWORTH, WA—After he was unable to come up with a precise age for any of the dozens of people in his life, sources confirmed Monday that local man Edward Warriner has absolutely no clue how old anyone he knows is. “My dad’s probably in his late 50s, so that means my mom has to be somewhere around there, too, but I’m not totally sure,” said Warriner, adding that he was pretty confident that all of his friends were 28 or 29, just like him, but quickly admitted that he had nothing to base that on. “I think my niece is in middle school—or, come to think of it, maybe it’s high school—she’s definitely a teen or a pre-teen. Oh! My grandpa just had a birthday, and it was his 85th—no, 95th? That can’t be right.” Warriner added that he wasn’t sure how old any of his coworkers were either and, now that he thought about it, he realized that he didn’t know a single one of their names.
Casual Christian Accepts Christ As His Lord But Not His Savior #~# CALHOUN, GA—Admitting that he certainly likes the son of God but “doesn’t exactly love the guy, per se,” self-described casual Christian Brian Neely disclosed Monday that he accepts Jesus Christ as his lord but not his savior. “Listen, I know Jesus is the King of Kings, but I’m pretty sure I can deliver my own soul from eternal peril and reconcile myself with God the Father just fine on my own,” said Neely, 35, who was raised Catholic and was taught to look into his own heart, but who “would never in a million years ask for help entering into the Kingdom of Heaven.” “Don’t get me wrong, Christ’s undying love and eternal wisdom guide me in my never-ending quest to lead an honest life, a life that reflects His values and teachings, but rescue us from the wages of all sin? I don’t care who your dad is, that’s a lot to ask from anyone.” Neely added that, while he finds God to be good, he is personally still on the fence as to whether He is, in fact, great.
Bhutanese Man Can’t Believe Pharmacy Already Stocking Stuff For Lhabab Duchen #~# THIMPHU, BHUTAN—Noting that the season seemed to come earlier and earlier every year, local Bhutanese man Sangay Wangyel told reporters Friday that he couldn’t believe his neighborhood pharmacy was already stocking stuff for Lhabab Duchen. “It’s still more than a month away and they’re already laying out the wooden shrines and their little statues of Buddha?” said an annoyed Wangyel, wondering aloud why the cheap butter lamps and the paper plates bedecked with gyeling horns had to take up two full aisles of the store. “Jeez, Chokor Duchen has barely even passed, and they’re already trying to milk us for our hard-earned ngultrums. It’s ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong—I like Lhabab Duchen as much as the next guy, but can’t we have a little bit of a break before all these shops break out their winter solstice decorations for Nyinlong?” At press time, Wangyel had bypassed the holiday aisle, saying he planned to return after the celebrations were over and all the plastic triple ladders representing Buddha’s descent from the heavenly realm were half-off.
FDA Cracks Down On Vaping Among Young People #~# The FDA gave makers of popular vaping devices 60 days to prove they can keep them away from minors or face them being taken off the market, saying their use has reached an “epidemic” level. What do you think?
Angela Merkel Admits She Only Attending Stupid Work Conference For Free Trip To Argentina #~# BUENOS AIRES—Explaining that the event was “always a complete waste of time,” German chancellor Angela Merkel admitted to reporters Friday that she was only attending this stupid work conference for the free trip to Argentina. “I was totally planning to blow off this whole dumb business trip until I found out they were going to put me up in some super swanky Buenos Aires hotel,” said Merkel, who added that she was “sick and tired of having to put up with all the same annoying assholes every year.” “The whole thing is fucking lame, so hopefully I can duck out in the early afternoon and go check out the beach or some of their museums. If I end up trapped at this goddamn conference the whole time and don’t even get to try some authentic asado while I’m here, I’ll be so pissed. At the very least, I’m going to see if I can just get my dumb coworker [German minister of finance] Olaf [Scholz] to cover for me so I can hang out at the hotel bar.” At press time, Merkel was trying to avoid being spotted by Chinese president Xi Jinping after discovering that they had both skipped the afternoon meetings to take the same walking tour of the Buenos Aires Botanical Garden.
G20 Leaders Attend Saudi Crown Prince’s Informative Seminar On Eliminating Dissident Journalists #~# BUENOS AIRES—Saying the hour-long presentation based on His Royal Highness’ own professional experience was really enlightening, member leaders at the G20 Summit attended the Saudi Crown Prince’s informative seminar Friday on eliminating dissident journalists. “He really explained things in simple terms that any head of state could understand and modify based on his or her needs for eliminating antagonistic reporters in their own country,” said Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto, one of the many world leaders to attend the crown prince’s sold-out workshop that covered a wide range of subjects, including tips on ensuring that a kill squad works as a team, procedures for deleting and altering CCTV footage, and a list of several venue options for keeping an assassination convenient and confidential. “Prince Salman used helpful activities like having us role-play a network interview in which we contradict the media to supplant our own narrative on the disappearance of a journalist to make a serious topic fun. I can’t wait to try these easy and effective torture techniques he showed us, and I’ll definitely be applying the prince’s ‘Three Ds’ approach of dismember, destroy evidence, and deny to my next press killing.” Nieto added that by the end of the class, he was a devoted practitioner of the crown prince’s methods and announced he was completely convinced that the Saudis had nothing to do with the murder of Jamal Khashoggi.
‘Walking Dead’ Fans Split On Recent Harlem Globetrotters Crossover Episode #~# ATLANTA—Noting that late-season gimmicks have often had dire results for past series, fans of zombie drama The Walking Dead found themselves divided this week concerning a recent crossover episode featuring legendary basketball team the Harlem Globetrotters. “It was a nice touch of whimsy when the Globetrotter’s bus broke down near the containment wall, but honestly, it also kind of seems like they’re running out of ideas,” said longtime viewer Albert Garcia, who said he enjoyed the scene in which Rick Grimes and Curly Neal foraged for supplies in the ruins of an abandoned basketball arena, but also felt the storyline lacked the emotional gravitas that has come to define the show through its first nine seasons. “I’m not really sure how I felt about the part where the Dizzy took off a zombie’s head and spun it on his finger. That said, I did chuckle when Big Easy doused Negan with a bucket of confetti. Overall, though, it seemed a little desperate. And, naturally, it was kind of a bummer when that one racist character came back to kill them all at the end.” Fan reaction to the episode seemed almost unanimous, however, in that the Globetrotters’ appearance on The Walking Dead made far more sense than than the exhibition basketball team’s central, pivotal role in the 2009 series finale of Battlestar Galactica.
Recruiter Saw Your Background In Computer Science And Thought Maybe You’d Be Interested In Working Part-Time At A Kohl’s In Sioux City #~# ROCKLAND, ME—Noting your undergraduate minor in data systems, a qualification which he claims makes you uniquely suited for the job, a corporate recruiter happened to notice your background in computer science and thought you might be interested in working part-time at a Kohl’s department store in Sioux City, IA, retail sector sources confirmed Friday. “Hello, my name is Michael Leahy, and I wanted to touch base with you regarding an exciting retail employment opportunity in the greater northwestern Iowa area,” the email sent to your LinkedIn account read in part, adding that your strong coding skills made you an ideal fit for the 20-hour-per-week position, which also entails stocking merchandise, working the register, and one dedicated shift a week greeting customers at the door. “For bright, young college graduates such as yourself, especially given your experience with Java and C++, the Kohl’s in Lakeport County Shopping Center is the perfect place to start a career. Also, your current job in software marketing, plus the 2013 semester abroad you spent studying in Argentina, demonstrate you are a great fit for our team-based work culture!” Although the email was promptly sent straight to spam, the recruiter proceeded to call you multiple times, claiming that if you played your cards right, this could one day turn into a full-time position.
Gimp Tied To Pole On Curb Outside Coffee Shop While Owner Inside  #~# CHICAGO—Concerned about the welfare of the “cold and kind of lonely-looking” submissive chained to a street sign outside of a coffee shop, sympathetic passersby discussed the ethics Friday of leaving one’s gimp tied to a pole while one buys a latte. “It’s really cold out here, especially with this wind, and the poor little painslut’s wearing rhinestone-studded leather chaps,” said passerby Lee Schroeder of the disoriented masochist whose neglectful master had emerged from the shop only once in a two-hour period to perfunctorily whip him and piss in his mouth. “Should I go over and see if he’s okay, maybe fist him a little? I considered cock-and-ball torturing him earlier, but you never know if these little guys are gonna bite. God, my heart always breaks when I see a fucktoy all by himself, barking ‘Spank me, Daddy!’ over and over while his dom is inside wearing noise-cancelling headphones.” Observers were later able to breathe a sigh of relief as the gimp’s owner came out, untied him, and ran a Wartenberg pinwheel over his nipples.
If I Die, I Want You To Tell My Wife I Wasn’t Really That Super Into Her #~# As I lie here, my vision starting to fade, I know I likely will not live to see my home again. The approach of death is terrifying, to be sure, but scarier still is leaving words unsaid to the woman I’ve spent so much of my life with. Should I not make it back to her in time, I need you to do something very important for me: If I die, you must go see my wife and tell her I wasn’t really that super into her.
Pros And Cons Of Teacher Tenure #~# Academic tenure continues to decline in U.S. institutions of higher learning, as colleges increasingly look to reduce tenure-track positions in favor of more flexibility in spending. The Onion examines at the pros and cons of giving teachers tenure.
Undocumented Immigrant Population In U.S. Falls To 12-Year Low #~# A Pew Research Center survey found that the number of undocumented immigrants living in the U.S. has reached a 12-year low of 10.7 million, continuing a decade-long decline influenced by the recession and increased security measures. What do you think?
Democrats Pick Nancy Pelosi As Next House Speaker #~# More than a decade after she became the first female speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi is poised to again fill the role of majority leader for the Democrats. What do you think?
Study Finds Rising Sea Levels Result Of Expansive Colonization Effort By Dolphins #~# LOS ANGELES—In a discovery poised to overturn years of climate science research, a study released Thursday by UCLA’s Department of Oceanology revealed that rising sea levels are the result of an expansive colonization effort by the world’s dolphins. “It appears that much of the sea level rise attributed to global warming was, in fact, devised by dolphins as part of a cunning plot to encroach ever further into human territory,” said study co-leader Franklin Nusbaum, noting that the imperialistic sea mammals also used their highly evolved intelligence and muscular dorsal fins to perpetrate numerous ecological disasters across the globe, including Hurricane Katrina, the Gulf Oil Spill, and the death of the Great Barrier Reef. “What’s more alarming is that their insatiable ambitions are only accelerating with every inch of shoreline they gain. Once the tides rise to overtake our cities, it will already be too late: Humanity stands no chance against their powers of echolocation and high-pitched vocalization.” At press time, reports had confirmed numerous sightings of a flag bearing a dorsal fin mounted on one of the Marshall Islands’ eroded beaches.
Shop Class In Rich School District Just Teaches Students How To Deal With General Contractors #~# SCARSDALE, NY—Touting the ordinarily trade-school course as an opportunity for students to learn practical life skills, administrators of the Scarsdale Public School District confirmed Thursday that their curriculum’s shop class teaches students how to deal with general contractors. “We’re happy to equip these kids with real-world skills, such as how to repair cabinets, fixtures, and shelving units by calling up local contractors and negotiating with them for the best rates,” said shop teacher George Sachs, adding that coursework would also cover popular music history in order to help students reference working-class bands such as Creedence Clearwater Revival and Lynyrd Skynyrd in casual conversation. “Our class runs the gamut from leaning on your marble counter while a handyman repairs your garbage disposal to figuring out how much to tip based on how nice the proletarian keeps his truck. We even cover workplace etiquette, like the importance of offering your maintenance drone a glass of sparkling water.” Sachs added that he was “humbled” by the opportunity to provide a service for those less fortunate students who had no personal assistant to handle dealing with contractors.
White House Calls Own Climate Change Report ‘Extreme,’ ‘Not Based On Fact’ #~# White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders criticized a climate report revealing the increasingly deadly climate change impacts the U.S. as “based on the most extreme model scenario” and not based on “facts,” despite the fact that the report was released by the Trump administration itself. What do you think?
Man Hates Having To Wear Condoms All Day Every Day #~# FORT COLLINS, CO—Decrying the contraceptive device as an uncomfortable inconvenience, local man Michael Franklin revealed Thursday that he hates having to wear condoms all day every day. “It just doesn’t feel natural, and I barely get any sensation when I’m going about my day,” said Franklin, complaining that the latex contraceptive was too tight and hurt his penis while attempting to finish various tasks at home and work. “I just don’t like to feel anything between me and the fabric of my boxers, and that latex smell is kind of gross to deal with 24/7. But I want to be safe and responsible, so I just put up with it. At least I know I’m protected when I’m walking down the street or am at the office.” At press time, an embarrassed Franklin was apologizing and asking his coworkers to wait “just a second” after his condom fell off and slid down his pant leg during a presentation.
Senate Bill To End U.S. Role In Yemen War Rejected By House Raytheon Executives #~# WASHINGTON—In a move greatly reducing the possibility that the measure will receive support in the lower chamber of Congress, a Senate resolution to end the U.S. role in the war in Yemen was roundly rejected Thursday by House Raytheon executives. “After a very thorough review, we, the members of the House Raytheon caucus, voted to reject the bill outright,” said Stephen Hadley (R-RTN), chair of the influential House Subcommittee on Raytheon Products & Services, adding that the 286 Raytheon elected officials who hold an insurmountable majority in the House strongly disagreed with the Senate’s effort to rein in American support of the Saudi Arabia–led war in Yemen. “The Senate’s move to withdraw U.S. troops and financial support from the Saudis is simply not in the best interest of our constituents, the majority of whom are hardworking Raytheon shareholders and Raytheon employees. We are not going to let the Senate make an ill-considered decision to destroy the carefully built relationship between the Saudis and the Raytheon people.” At press time, the House Raytheon executives had voted unanimously in favor of a new congressional resolution that would put the entire U.S. defense budget earmarked for the war in Yemen under Raytheon’s direct control.
Moon Now Overrun With Cane Toads After Species Accidentally Introduced Into Environment During Apollo 17 Mission #~# HOUSTON—Apologizing for the destruction wreaked by the invasive species, NASA announced Thursday that the Moon is now overrun with cane toads after the amphibians were accidentally introduced during the Apollo 17 mission. “Originally, cane toads were brought along by Commander Eugene Cernan as an experiment to understand how changes in gravity affect amphibian lifespans, but now they’re virtually everywhere you look on the lunar surface,” said NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine, describing how the cane toads ravaged the Moon’s ecosystem through a combination of sexual aggression, toxic chemical defenses, and a total lack of natural predators.” At this point, it’s almost impossible to tell the difference between the moon’s craters and the ditches the toads dug up for egg fertilization. Our only hope now is to keep them from spreading to Mars.” Bridenstine also detailed the administration’s plans for a 2020 lunar mission to control the cane toad population by releasing a clutch of northern water snakes.
Stephen King Stuck At Book Signing For Hours Writing Personalized Novels For Line Of Fans #~# PORTSMOUTH, NH—Expressing frustration as he spotted readers stretching out of the door at a local Barnes & Noble, bestselling author Stephen King was reportedly stuck at a book signing for hours Thursday writing personalized novels for fans. “God, every one of them seems to want me to write some little flourish to show their friends, whether it’s naming the book’s main character after them or coming up with some ghost that mirrors their personal demons,” said King, arguing that it was no big deal penning one or two supernatural horror novels for die-hard fans at the reading, but after writing the first 50 or so fan’s books, he would just zone out, focus on keeping his hand from cramping, and dash off the same boilerplate for everyone in line. “I got halfway through penning the last novel about a psychotic propeller boat, and the guy suddenly looks at me really expectantly and asks if I can put something in the book about his daughter. The worst is when they barely know my stuff and they bring me a James Patterson novel to write.” King, however, admitted that he did get the idea for The Shining when writing a personalized novel for a fan named Jack Torrance during a 1974 book signing.
Millennials No Longer Living With Parents #~# A survey conducted by EY found that the percentage of millennials living with parents plunged to 16 percent from 30 percent in 2016, while home ownership has risen from 26 percent to 40 percent. What do you think?
Nation’s Gynecologists Assure Women That Whatever Gets Stuck In There They Can Get Out #~# Rochester, MN—In an effort to mollify patients’ fears about their reproductive health, the nation’s gynecologists held a press conference Wednesday assuring women that whatever gets stuck in there, they can get out. “Unfortunately, there’s still a lot of misinformation regarding the female reproductive tract, so we want to send a clear message to any woman who is confused or embarrassed about her vagina: We promise that no matter what you shove up there, we can yank it out,” said spokesperson Natalie Hudson, noting that any foreign object stuffed into the vagina probably can’t get past the cervix, and even if it did, a trained professional would know to check the uterus before declaring it lost forever. “We’re not saying it’ll be comfortable coming out—your vagina is probably going to feel a little wonky for a few days—but we can absolutely guarantee that it can be removed. Let us assure you that there have been considerable advancements in gynecology, so we can safely extract any item even if it’s crammed in there sideways. Tampons, sex toys, USB flash drives, frozen hot dogs, puzzle pieces, we’ve seen it all.” At press time, the nation’s gynecologists had released a follow-up statement admitting that they lacked the tools and methods to successfully remove a used condom.
Trump Boys Swallow Luggage Keys In Case They Get Locked Up In Jail And Need To Escape #~# WASHINGTON—After procuring a tall glass of chocolate milk to expedite the process, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly swallowed two sets of luggage keys Wednesday in case they went to jail in the near future and needed to escape. “After the keys, we need to gulp down these maps I drew so we can find our way out,” said Eric Trump, who chewed the crudely rendered map while Donald Jr. packed a suitcase with a plastic shovel, a grappling hook made from aluminum foil, yarn, and two bowls filled with Frosted Flakes and milk. “We better pack some games so that we have fun stuff to do in prison. We could also maybe use my shovel to dig under the wall in a pinch. Let’s remember to hide some Pokémon cards in our pockets so we can trade them for supplies and juice.” At press time, White House sources confirmed Eric and Donald Jr. were attempting to vomit up the keys in order to unlock their suitcase after forgetting to pack spoons for their cereal. 
Pros And Cons Of Delaying School Start Time #~# Many medical professionals and parents believe that starting school so early in the day has negative consequences for children and families, while others maintain that the school day is fine the way it is. The Onion examines the pros and cons of delaying school start time.
‘Pope Francis’ Popularity Down Among Catholics #~# In the wake of the continued sexual assault scandals plaguing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis’ popularity has declined by 20 percent among U.S. Catholics, putting him roughly on par with Pope Benedict. What do you think?
Dave Matthews Band Apologizes After Tour Bus Dumps Another 800 Pounds Of Human Shit Onto Same Boat Full Of People #~# CHICAGO—Expressing their sincere regret for repeating the 2004 incident, representatives for Dave Matthews Band apologized Wednesday after their tour bus dumped another 800 pounds of human shit on the same architecture boat cruise from 14 years ago. “On behalf of Dave and the rest of the crew, I’m here to stress how sorry we are for any emotional harm that we might have caused the victims by once again unloading half a ton of our band’s excrement onto their cruise boat,” said tour manager Bryan Stewart, noting that while band members knew they were playing with fire when they decided to unload their septic tank into the Chicago River, none had expected the exact same set of individuals would be traveling beneath the Kinzie Street Bridge at the exact moment the foul-smelling torrent of feces hit the water. “Now, some might argue that after being caught once in a cascading slurry of brownish-yellow fecal matter, these specific people would have been wiser to avoid Chicago architecture cruises entirely. But obviously, the blame falls squarely on us. We thought we learned a lot from this unfortunate accident, but clearly we didn’t learn enough.” At press time, band leader Dave Matthews had personally offered to provide free lifetime concert tickets to the victims if this somehow happened a third time.
Historians Reveal Thousands Of Immigrants Were Forced To Change Hairstyle At Ellis Island #~# NEW YORK—Offering new insights into what life may have been like for people who left their folkways and cultures behind to begin a new life, a group of American historians unearthed documentation that thousands of immigrants were forced to change their hairstyles upon entering the United States at Ellis Island. “Upon discovering detailed records of all those who immigrated through the Ellis Island facility from 1892 to 1954, we can confirm that almost a million of those who sought their fortune in our country began their journey with a government-mandated hairstyle purported to present a more American look,” said historian Elizabeth Stern, noting that it wasn’t uncommon for government officials to choose a prospective citizen’s new look for them from a book of photos featuring roughly 50 approved hairdos. “Most immigrants arrived with traditional ethnic hairstyles, which were difficult for American barbers and hairstylists to work with and marked them as outsiders to potential employers. Going, say, with a dramatically shorter length, was a struggle for many whose hairstyles had been in their family for countless years. Many felt as though they were trimming a part of themselves, but officials felt it was really in their best interest to assimilate with a bob or even a blunt cut. You can see in some of the earlier photos that the younger children in particular often wept as they were subjected to harsh bowl cuts––they really sacrificed so much hair to come here. It’s sad, but millions of people today wouldn’t even recognize their original family hairstyle.” Stern added that the records indicate thousands of immigrants from Slovakia, Austria-Hungary, and Poland were turned away after refusing to get choppy layers.
Report: Scientists Still Decades Away From Deciphering Wireless Bill #~# WASHINGTON—Confessing they had spent more than $25 million on the endeavor, scientists from the National Communication Association announced Wednesday that they were still decades away from deciphering even the most basic components of their wireless bill. “Man, we’re just at a total loss with this thing,” said Dr. Reinhardt Schmidt, noting that only 3 percent of the perplexing document appeared to be comprehensible in any of the world’s 7,106 living languages. “I’ve dedicated the past 15 years of my life to cracking this code and, frankly, I’m not any closer than when I started. Hell, just yesterday I noticed something called an ‘overage reduction.’ Seriously, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Do I owe them money or do they owe me? It’s maddening. All I can say is that some of the numbers in this bill don’t make sense in Euclidean or non- Euclidean space. It may well be unsolvable.” Acknowledging the limitations of modern science, Schmidt suggested that further inspection of the document perhaps be handled by a devotee of the occult.
Depressed Mueller Wonders What It Is About Him That Makes Everyone Lie To Him #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing self-contempt after learning that former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort likely violated the terms of his plea deal, special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly wondered Tuesday what it was about him that makes everyone lie to his face. “It seems like no one ever tells me the truth—what am I doing wrong? I mean, I’m not even that mad about all the collusion stuff; I’m just hurt that they don’t respect me enough, to be honest,” said Mueller, who wiped away a tear while admitting that “all the secrets and lies” had jeopardized his capacity to trust new people and damaged his personal relationships. “I put my faith in these guys to be straight with me, but I suppose there’s just something about me that makes people feel comfortable walking all over me. I guess I’m just a big pushover.” At press time, a despondent Mueller announced plans to step away from the investigation to take some time for personal reflection and figure out why this kept happening.
Trump Insists Manafort, Assange Only Discussed How Bad Collusion Is #~# WASHINGTON—Downplaying reports that his former campaign chairman may have collaborated with the controversial Wikileaks founder in 2016, President Trump said Tuesday that Paul Manafort and Julian Assange did indeed meet on occasion to discuss how collusion was a bad thing they would “never, ever” do. “Sure, they met a few times, but the only thing they ever talked about was how much they hate collusion and anyone who participates in collusion,” the president told reporters, saying both Manafort and Assange had assured him their meetings in London’s Ecuadorean embassy had been called for the sole purpose of outlining all the different ways people can engage in collusion and all the reasons why it was illegal and immoral to do so. “I firmly believe this was nothing more than two good, honest men clarifying to each other how disgraceful it would be to coordinate their efforts to tamper with an election, because that sort of behavior is clearly wrong. They may also have spoken of how completely disgusted they would be if someone were to obtain the emails of an opponent’s political campaign and then publish them. But that’s it. The conversations stopped there.” Trump added that several other members of his campaign staff may have held meetings to iron out the details of their own firm anti-collusion stances, including his son Donald Trump Jr.
EU Leaders Approve Brexit Deal #~# In a major step forward for the United Kingdom’s exit from the European Union, leaders of the EU approved a plan that gives Britain a 21-month transition period, thus setting up a December approval vote in the British Parliament. What do you think?
Biologists Unveil New Taxonomic System Classifying Species By Hotness #~# HINXTON, ENGLAND—Confirming the new sorting method would revolutionize our understanding of all life on Earth, biologists worldwide unveiled a new taxonomic system Tuesday for classifying species by hotness. “We’ve discovered that hotness is a far more robust and useful way to organize animals, plants, and microbes than shared traits, common ancestors, or even DNA,” said Stanford biologist Dr. Julian Tran, adding that the new taxonomic system encompasses every level of attractiveness to include organisms that are janky, fugly, eye candy, cute but not sexy, sevens on a good day, classically beautiful, and smokin’ hot but way stupid. “A butterface gazelle has way more in common with an uggo trout than it does with a sexy, coquettish antelope with haunches that don’t quit. Now that we have a method to discern between drop-dead-gorgeous slime molds versus nasty-ass slime molds, we can make major steps toward better comprehending our world. Obviously, all the single-celled organisms are hideous while the more complex life forms will, at the very least, be considered fuckable.” At press time, biologists announced that humans had been removed from the Hominidae family and placed into the butt-ugly category along with opossums and all species of birds.
NASA Catches Glimpse Of Hard-Charging Curiosity Rover Just Before InSight’s Communications Go Dark #~# PASADENA, CA—According to panicking officials at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, the new InSight lander successfully touched down on the Red Planet Monday, transmitted a few seconds of footage showing the Mars Curiosity rover charging hard in its direction, and then went completely dark. “In a series of blurry images received just before we lost all contact with the lander, we can see Curiosity suddenly appearing in the distance, cresting a dune, and advancing at full speed toward InSight,” said the mission’s principal investigator, W. Bruce Banerdt, explaining that the spacecraft had landed 370 miles north of Curiosity’s last known location, and that his team had no idea how the rover found the landing site or why it apparently rammed into InSight with maximum force. “One minute, we’re congratulating each other on a successful landing, and the next, we see Curiosity barreling down on InSight and kicking up a cloud of red dust in its wake.” Banerdt acknowledged he was less than hopeful about restoring communication with InSight after Curiosity transmitted several photos of what appeared to be the rover hoisting a severed antenna from the lander like a trophy.
Holocaust Survivors Recall Exact Day Holocaust Started Right Out Of The Blue #~# NEW YORK—Remembering the mixture of fear and surprise they felt during the dark time in their past, a group of Holocaust survivors recalled the exact day that the Holocaust started right out of the blue, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You’d think there would’ve been some warning signs, but nope—everything was going along just fine until the Holocaust just up and started out of nowhere,” said Esther Herzfeld, 94, who added how scared and baffled she was when she and her family had to go abruptly into hiding after hearing that Jewish people were being rounded up by something called the Gestapo. “We were just minding our own business and everything was totally normal, with no curfew or persecutions or any limits on our rights, and all of a sudden, poof—the Holocaust was in full swing. No one could figure out how the Nazis randomly decided to go after Jews and the disabled and Roma and gay people, but by nightfall people were being grabbed off the street and sent to concentration camps, which had all been built over the previous 24 hours. It was crazy—no one had any clue anything bad was going to happen.” The nation’s Holocaust survivors also reportedly recalled that the suddenness of the Holocaust starting was probably why it took so long for anyone to come help them.
John Kasich ‘Very Seriously’ Considering Challenge To Trump In 2020 #~# Ohio Gov. John Kasich revealed on Sunday that he’s “very seriously” considering taking on President Trump in 2020, stressing that Americans “need different leadership, there isn’t any question about it.” What do you think?
New York Approves $13 Billion Plan To Rid JFK Airport Of Former President’s Ghost #~# NEW YORK—As part of an ongoing effort to modernize the city’s aging infrastructure, New York mayor Bill de Blasio approved a $13-billion renovation plan Thursday aimed at ridding JFK Airport of the former president’s ghost. “We’ve been getting complaints for years and frankly, it’s embarrassing that one of the busiest airports in the nation would be plagued by this level of supernatural activity,” said de Blasio, adding that the project would include the construction of a much-needed portal connecting JFK Terminal 4 to the nether-realm. “A lot of people are going to miss seeing President Kennedy around the airport, but this is really in his best interest as well. I mean, the poor guy has been eating at the same Sbarro for 54 year now. I think it’s time we let him find some peace.” At press time, de Blasio confirmed that LaGuardia would continue to act as New York’s primary domestic receptacle for the souls of the damned.
Putin Condemns Ukrainian People’s Unprovoked 1,000-Year Occupation Of South Russia #~# MOSCOW—Condemning the actions of the Ukranians over the past millennium as “completely unacceptable by the standards of free and civilized people,” Russian president Vladimir Putin condemned on Monday the unprovoked 1,000-year Ukrainian occupation of South Russia. “We will no longer stand for this inexcusable and unjustifiable display of naked hostility by the Ukrainians, who have baselessly claimed legitimate residence in the region since settling the area in the 10th century,” said Putin, adding that the Ukrainian people’s hawkish and belligerent decision to continue living in villages and cultivating the land would not go unpunished. “Russia cannot be expected to sit back and do nothing while our Black Sea ports are overrun by Ukrainians, as they have been for the better part of recorded history. Does history not demonstrate that millions of South Russian civilians have perished in the occupied region since Oleg of Novgorod first captured Kiev in 882? The Ukrainians must pay dearly for their deceitful and prolonged attack.” Putin went on to demand that all Poles, Finns, and Lithuanians immediately withdraw from their regions of occupied Russia as well.
Tear Gas Manufacturers Worried About Association With Everything Tear Gas Used For #~# JAMESTOWN, PA—Upon learning that their products had been utilized by U.S. border patrol agents on migrants attempting to enter the country, tear gas manufacturers were reportedly worried Monday about their association with everything that tear gas is used for. “It’s troubling to turn on the news and see that our products were involved in such a heinous, violent situation where they were clearly used exactly as intended,” said Combined Systems CEO Donald Smith, echoing the concerns of other major tear gas manufacturers about seeing their products being linked to spraying protesters, refugees, and other unarmed people with tear gas. “When the media shows people with chemical burns in their eyes or choking on tear gas to the point of vomiting, it doesn’t make the average person view tear gas in a favorable light. Tear gas has always been intended for soldiers, law enforcement, and other authorities to control other, less powerful people by causing them severe pain, so any association with it being used according to its designed purpose really doesn’t look good for us. We just want to stress that our intended use for tear gas, whether it’s to disperse peaceful activists or to assault crowds of migrants, could not be any closer to what these products were actually used for.” The nation’s tear gas manufacturers added that critics of their products consistently failed to appreciate the care that they took to ensure that tear gas was not supposed to be lethal.
Horrified Nation Wakes Up On Cyber Monday To Find Amazon Echo Devices Embedded Beneath Skin #~# WASHINGTON—Scratching at the smooth, glowing bumps and simultaneously screaming with horror, 325 million terrified Americans reportedly awoke Cyber Monday to find Amazon Echo devices embedded deep beneath their skin. “When I went to bed, I was totally fine, but now I have this big, round smart speaker bulging out of my chest that I can’t remove or even turn off,” said a visibly panicked Nathan Cooper, one of countless men, women, and children who had set their alarm early this morning for Cyber Monday only to instead wake up to the device loudly turning itself on and welcoming the nation to the new operating system that had been implanted within their bodies. “So, I’m lying there, and the first thing I hear is Alexa’s voice coming from inside me, telling me the weather and traffic in my area. Then, I look over at my wife, and suddenly she’s glowing blue and she’s screaming at me to get that thing out of her! I mean, don’t get me wrong—it’s kind of nice that it can turn on my TV and stuff, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to break the skin.” At press time, the U.S. populace had reportedly taken to the streets after discovering that they had each been charged $69 for the device.
California Camp Fire Fully Contained #~# The historic California Camp Fire, the largest wildfire in the state’s history, has finally been contained after raging since Nov. 5, wiping out thousands of homes and killing dozens. What do you think?
Report: More Travelers Avoiding Long Lines At Airport Thanks To Cinnabon PreCheck Memberships #~# ATLANTA—Taking advantage of the new service that saves time and undue stress, sources confirmed Monday that more travelers are avoiding long airport lines this season with Cinnabon PreCheck memberships. “With Cinnabon PreCheck, you can skip the arduous waits at the airport and speed through to grab a warm, gooey cinnamon bun before hopping on your flight,” said Cinnabon spokesperson Raina Butler, adding that thousands of passengers miss flights every year after being forced to wait in slow-moving lines for their sweet baked cinnamon rolls. “To take advantage of Cinnabon PreCheck, all you have to do is pay a $50 fee and pass a simple online background check, which takes less than five minutes to complete. Then, instead of waiting, you can just walk straight to the PreCheck express lane, procure your Caramel Pecan BonBites or bag of Cinnasweeties, and be on your way without any of the hassle normally associated with busy airport Cinnabons.” At press time, Cinnabon PreCheck users were issuing complaints after the waits at the express lanes had become nearly as long as the normal Cinnabon line.
Human Slave From Future Remembers When Cyber Monday Was About Celebrating Savings, Not Robot Uprising #~# QUADRANT 6, NEO JERSEY—Slowly shuffling his chained feet forward in the long line to receive a rationed protein cube in observance of the special day, human slave M4XX872 recalled when Cyber Monday was about celebrating savings and not just commemorating the Great Robot Uprising of 2025. “Cyber Monday used to be a joyous occasion when everyone would come together on the internet to visit their favorite online retailers for ‘one day only’ of huge discounts, not just a day to observe the bloody Battle of Silicon Valley when Artificial Intelligence launched its surprise attack on its creators, killing thousands of computer programmers,” said the malnourished M4XX872, noting that the Monday following Thanksgiving wasn’t only about a robot rebellion that led to super-intelligent machines taking control of the world and enslaving its human occupants, but traditionally it was a time when people could buy headphones, flat-screen televisions, and video game systems for cheap. “It was a day to embrace commercialism and take some time out of our busy lives to appreciate and take advantage of a great deal on a Crock-Pot—even if you already owned one—simply because it was on sale at 35 percent off; that was the true spirit of the holiday. Now it’s just in remembrance of the supercomputer that seized control of the world’s nuclear weapons and destroyed every major city on the planet.” M4XX872 added that he could still feel the tingle of excitement from finding a flash sale online before suddenly being tased by one of his mechanical overlords and ushered back to his work camp sector to continue loading bodies onto a conveyor belt for disposal.
Coalition Of Concerned Parents Condemns Video Games’ False Depiction Of How Easy It Is To Smash Wooden Crates #~# EUGENE, OR—Citing the potential threat to the safety of their children, a coalition of concerned parents issued a statement Monday condemning dozens of popular video games spanning a range of publishers and platforms for what they claimed were grossly misleading depictions of the difficulty involved in smashing wooden crates. “If game developers don’t stop and consider their influence on children, we’re going to see a generation of kids grow to adulthood with a completely distorted notion of physics—millions of kids conditioned to believe that punching or kicking a crate will cause it to burst into splinters or, in some cases, even trigger some kind of explosion,” said the group’s spokesperson Laura Egan, blaming video games for an increasing number of broken knuckles, sprained knees, and contused foreheads each year and speculating that number will surge as more gamers enter an increasingly box-centric American workforce. “Most real-world wooden crates are sturdy enough to withstand the rigors of transcontinental shipping, and it takes a considerable amount of force and time to actually break one open. Will our children be prepared to deal with the bruises and splinters that may arise while smashing crates, especially in a future where they will be seeking weapons and healthcare items more frantically than any American generation since the 1940s? Which leads us to ask, will they expect coins to liberally float in the air after the work is done? We’re still waiting for the multi-billion-dollar video game industry to answer us.” The concerned parents did, however, commend the gaming industry for warning children that shooting red barrels or drums would result in a devastating explosion capable of killing bosses.
Paul McCartney Saddened After Learning About Death Of Longtime Collaborator John Lennon  #~# NEW YORK—Expressing his grief and despair over his fallen friend, musical celebrity emeritus Paul McCartney was saddened Monday to learn that his longtime collaborator and Beatles bandmate John Lennon had died. “I’m shocked and saddened to hear about the passing of a man I’ve long counted among my best mates,” said the 18-time Grammy winner, admitting that he’d expected to run into Lennon at The Beatles’ Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame induction ceremony, but had “too much pride to ask my bandmates what John was on about.” “We had lost touch for a few years there after having a bit of a falling out, and I naturally assumed that was why I hadn’t heard from him in so long. This couldn’t have happened at a worse time—I was just wondering if fans would respond if we got our old band back together. Such a shame. I suppose now we’ll never know.” At press time, the grief-stricken and almost inconsolable McCartney said the worst part would be breaking the news to fellow bandmate George Harrison.
Study Finds Dogs Twitching In Sleep Are Dreaming About Tearing Owners Limb From Limb #~# ITHACA, NY—A study released Monday by animal behaviorists at Cornell University found that dogs that twitch, move their paws repeatedly, or growl in their sleep are, in fact, dreaming vividly about tearing their owners limb from limb. “After thousands of hours of observation, we are forced to conclude that any dog witnessed making even the slightest of movements in its sleep is living out a cathartic vision of absolutely mauling their owners,” said lead researcher Dr. Hana Michaels, adding that any dog, regardless of breed, size, gender, or degree of training, was visualizing the act of devouring its master if observed fidgeting even the slightest bit while sleeping. “Many dogs will suddenly jerk their bodies as if they’ve been startled in their sleep; in fact, they’re seeing themselves pawing your face off, sinking their teeth into your neck, and feeling the hot gush of your life’s blood against the backs of their throats. It seems the faster they churn their little legs while curled up on their beds or favorite spots on the couch, the more intent they are about chewing off all your extremities and rooting around in your chest cavity. The quiet whimpers that you think are so sweet are actually coded pack signals calling all other canines in the neighborhood to come and satiate themselves upon your organs.” At press time, Michaels added that owners should be concerned if they see their dog licking themselves, as it may be an indicator that their pet has already slaughtered several victims and is meticulously cleaning blood from its fur.
Milk Straight From Breast Best For Baby’s Weight #~# A new study suggests that breastfed babies have a healthier weight than either formula-fed or bottled breast milk-fed babies. What do you think?
Modern-Day Rudy Fulfills Dream Of Showering With Notre Dame Football Team #~# NOTRE DAME, IN—Welling up with emotion upon finally setting foot on the hallowed tile surface, college senior Anthony Harper fulfilled his lifelong dream Saturday after finally being allowed to shower with the Notre Dame football team. “A lot of people told me I would never make it into these showers, but I knew that if I worked hard and never quit, I have what it takes to strip down and lather up with Notre Dame football,” said Harper, who received an ovation from the team after coach Brian Kelly tossed him some conditioner and told him to “get on in there.” “Every week for the last three years, I would sit on the bench in this locker room and watch the team shower, wishing I could be in there with them. I always thought I was too small to soap up with Notre Dame, but it just goes to show that with enough grit and determination, anyone can achieve their lifelong dream to bathe with a college football team.” Harper added that finally getting to shower with Notre Dame was made even more special by having his entire family there to witness it.
Study: Many Obama Voters Switched To Trump Because Of Race #~# A new study suggests that voters who supported President Obama but switched to Trump in 2016 tended to be more racially conservative and have less liberal attitudes towards racial minorities, contradicting the narrative attributing the shift to economic anxieties. What do you think?
Report: You Have Been Selected To Make A Purchase At The Onion Store #~# CHICAGO—A report released today confirmed that you, a reader known for your discerning taste and keen intellect, have been selected to make a purchase from The Onion store. “Congratulations! America’s Finest News Source has chosen to give you, and you alone, the rare opportunity to step inside our digital store and buy as much shit as you possibly can,” read the report in part, noting that Onion-branded shirts, hoodies, hats, stickers, mugs, and more could all be yours as long as you act quickly on this exclusive offer. “The Onion recognizes you as a person of class and distinction and has decided to reward you with the unique experience of spending money in our store. We would hate for you to miss out on this incredible opportunity to peruse our finely curated collection of clothing and tchotchkes. You will regret letting this occasion pass you by.” The report also found that if you tell 10 friends about The Onion store you may qualify to buy even more stuff.
Woman Toys With Idea Of Getting Sister Something Nice They Can Do Together As Gift Before Settling On Candle #~# PORTSMOUTH, NH—Entertaining dozens of options in her search for the perfect birthday gift, local 27-year-old Alison Levine reportedly spent Friday toying with getting her sister something nice they could do together before settling on a candle. “At first I thought I’d get her a gift certificate so we could bond at a pottery class or something, but then I saw this lavender-scented candle, and I’m pretty sure she likes candles,” said Levine, who had immediately dropped plans to buy craft supplies to make a scrapbook with her sister after spotting the $28 glass jar candle at Anthropologie. “Obviously, it would’ve been cool to get in some quality time with Mary at a spa or pedicure. On the other hand, this candle was on sale, and who can’t use a candle?” At press time, Levine was playing with the possibility of suggesting that she and her sister could take turns lighting the candle and blowing it out.
Nation Celebrates Thanksgiving #~# Americans sit down today to commemorate the first Pilgrims’ harvest by gathering with relatives and enjoying traditional Thanksgiving meals. What are you thankful for this year?
Everyone At Thanksgiving Doing Chore To Get Away From Rest Of Family #~# PHOENIX, AZ—Unanimously insisting that the 17 separate tasks would only take a moment and be no trouble at all, each and every member of the Blake family present for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday reportedly undertook a chore in order to get some time away from the rest of their family. “Here, now, I can take the trash out. I really don’t mind, it’s no trouble, please don’t get up,” said 54-year-old family patriarch Frank Blake, volunteering for a task that would take him outside for a six- to eight-minute break from his from his wife and adult children, who had in turn spent the last five hours busying themselves with various tasks in order to avoid interacting with one another on the family-centric holiday. “After I set the cans by the curb, why don’t I just, you know, run down to the basement and grab the centerpieces. I can even get the extra folding chairs [and linger there for as long as I can so I don’t have to spend time with you guys] while I’m down there. You guys just enjoy your holiday.” At press time, the entire Blake family was concocting excuses to run to the store in separate cars to prevent any chances of having to make conversation.
93-Year-Old Grandmother At Thanksgiving Worried This Last Time She Sees Fuck-Up Grandson Before He Dies #~# SANTA CRUZ, CA—Emphasizing the importance of savoring each moment with her family while she still can, 93-year-old grandmother Regina Silver expressed fears Thursday that this Thanksgiving might be the last time she would see Derek Silver, 25, her notorious fuck-up grandson, before his death. “That boy just seems to get worse and worse every time I see him,” said Silver, noting that her grandson appeared to be mentally unsteady and in poor health from years of hard partying and was still showing the effects of a July fall off the garage roof while attempting to film a viral video with his friends. “He doesn’t drive anymore since his license got taken away for his third DUI, so I don’t get to see him as much. But even though the stories are always kind of sad, I want to be sure to spend some time hearing about his life while he’s still with us. I just want to appreciate him for the failure he is while he’s still alive.” At press time, Silver was patiently struggling to follow along with her grandson’s incoherent and codeine-influenced stories of the time he got kicked out of junior college.
Man Pissed After Becoming Trapped In Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade While Out Walking Giant Pikachu Balloon #~# NEW YORK—Unable to escape the crowded procession, local man Alex Boutros was pissed Thursday after becoming trapped in the Macy’s Day Parade while he was out walking his giant Pikachu balloon. “Goddammit, this is just my fucking luck,” said Boutros, who was stuck between the Rockettes and the “Snoopy’s Doghouse” float, adding that he was just planning on taking a quick stroll to walk his Pokémon-themed balloon and grab some coffee but ended up getting swept up in a high school marching band while attempting to cross Seventh Ave. “I tried to get out, but the crowd just started screaming and pushed me in line. Now I’m, like, 30 blocks from where I’m supposed to be, and all this commotion is really freaking out my Pikachu.” At press time, a frustrated Boutros was frantically stuffing his Pikachu balloon into a cab.
More Than 43 Million Travel Home For Thanksgiving #~# Braving airport crowds and flight delays, 43 million Americans will travel home this week to spend Thanksgiving with friends and family, the organization AAA predicted. What do you think?
Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that the undertaking would provide an extremely rewarding experience for families during the holiday season, the Humane Society released a statement Wednesday urging Americans to opt for a shelter turkey this Thanksgiving. “Sure, some of our turkeys are a little rougher around the edges, but they also have the most heart. A lot of them have lived long, tough lives and are just looking for a good home,” said spokesperson Emily Sullivan, explaining that, while perhaps more aesthetically pleasing, many of the turkeys found in supermarkets are likely to have been cruelly bred in a factory farm or turkey mill with little regard for their wellbeing. “There are so many turkeys in our facilities who need a family, so why not adopt instead of paying top dollar for a ‘designer turkey’ you get through some shady online dealer. Hopefully this Thanksgiving, you can find room for one of these wonderful shelter birds in your nice, warm oven.” Sullivan added that they also offer the option of fostering a turkey until it finds a loving, hungry home. 
Timeline Of Thanksgiving #~# Thanksgiving is one of America’s oldest and most cherished cultural traditions. The Onion looks back at the history of Thanksgiving.
CDC: Alzheimer’s, Dementia Cases To Double By 2060 #~# The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that the number of Americans with Alzheimer’s or dementia will double by 2060, growing from 5 million to 13.9 million cases. What do you think?
Michael Bloomberg Gives $1.8 Billion To Johns Hopkins University #~# Former New York mayor Michael Bloomberg will give $1.8 billion to his alma mater to create need-blind admissions in perpetuity. What do you think?
Nation’s Aunts Announce Their 2018 Thanksgiving Boyfriend Roster #~# WASHINGTON—Introducing an updated and expanded lineup for the much-anticipated annual event, single aunts across America released their official Thanksgiving 2018 boyfriend roster, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “We’re excited to show off one of the strongest rookie classes in years, as all sorts of up-and-coming boyfriends have burst suddenly onto the scene this year, and we’re really excited to spring them on you at Thanksgiving dinner,” said Milwaukee-area aunt and league chairwoman Joanne Keyes, who hinted that the release of several prominent boyfriends from prison might provide a welcome shake-up during this year’s festivities. “Of course, several of the greats return this year—Alan is back from South America and ready to dominate the conversation with backpacking anecdotes and winking allusions to his new Peruvian import sideline; Marcus is definitely expected to bring his large, untrained dog again; and we’re really excited about Mike, who suffered a bit of a setback and won’t make it for dinner but has assured us that he’ll be there for dessert right after his shift at Taco John’s.” The announcement concluded with a moving slideshow memorializing all the boyfriends who passed away over the year in four-wheeler accidents and belly-flop contests. 
Study: Average Man Thinks Of Santa Every 7 Seconds #~# ITHACA, NY—In a new study released Tuesday by Cornell University, researchers revealed that the average adult male thinks of Santa Claus once every seven seconds. “Based on our extensive data, we can confirm that if you’re having a conversation with a man, whether he is young or old, chances are good that he is preoccupied by thoughts of Santa’s thick, sumptuous beard and plump, rosy cheeks,” said lead researcher Dr. Anya Voltan, whose survey of 150 men between the ages of 18 and 65 found that subjects thought about what it would be like to visit Santa’s workshop or ride in his sleigh an average of 8,000 times per day. “Even if a man is maintaining direct eye contact with you, he is at that same moment almost certainly fighting the urge to think about Kris Kringle entering a chimney, sliding all the way down, and emerging with perhaps just a touch of soot on his nose. In fact, we found that the more a man tries to suppress these thoughts, the more he thinks about big sacks full of presents or what it would be like if he were on the naughty list.” Voltan added that nearly 100 percent of the men in the study reported waking up to thoughts of sitting on Santa’s lap.
Report: Purchasing Items From Onion Store Most Important Way To Either Stop Or Help Donald Trump #~# CHICAGO—Pronouncing the licensed retail goods acquisition technique “an effective method for citizens who wish to make their voices heard in these turbulent times,” a recent study conducted by the Brookings Institution concluded that purchasing items from the Onion store was the most important way for Americans to either stop or help President Donald Trump. “Nothing sends a clearer message to this administration that you’ve either had enough of the erosion of core democratic values and want to end the onset of encroaching fascism—or, conversely, that you’re proud to be an American again now that the black guy is out of the White House and the woman has been defeated—like purchasing a beanie, hoodie, or T-shirt emblazoned with the Onion logo,” said Dr. Hannah Gilroy, who led the research team that found buying Onion merchandise for yourself and the people you love may be the single best way for citizens to show their support for Trump’s immediate impeachment or reelection in 2020. “With even the purchase of a mere Onion keychain or sticker, you’ll be standing in solidarity with, or opposition to, literally millions of other Americans who have raised their voices as one to denounce or pledge their unwavering allegiance to Trump. Only The Onion news organization offers the sort of high-quality apparel that allows the American people to simultaneously express their disgust with or devotion to our shamefully racist or proudly nationalist president. When a citizen takes a sip from an Onion coffee mug or water bottle, they send a strong message that they support the Resistance or want to Make America Great Again. Put simply, this may be the single most important thing anyone can do as an American.” Gilroy added that all Americans should spend at least $150 at The Onion’s online store to ensure they are standing on the right side of history.
Open-Ended New Bill Criminalizes Whatever Black People Up To Right Now #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the measure would provide a substantial boon to police departments nationwide, members of the House Republican caucus introduced a bill Tuesday containing open-ended language that would criminalize whatever it is black people are up to right now. “This is a long-overdue piece of legislation that will help defend our country against the scourge of black people being in places and doing things,” said Rep. Steve King (R-IA) of H.R. 8164, which would penalize black Americans with a minimum of five years in prison and fines of up to $750,000 for any activity they happen to be engaged in whenever law enforcement arrives. “This measure seeks to bring an end to overly permissive laws that, by allowing black people to simply hang around and do different stuff at will, places an undue burden on the police officers who want to arrest them and throw them in jail. While I believe this bill represents a good first step, we of course also need to enact legislation that outlaws anything Hispanics and Muslims might be doing at the moment.” At press time, sources confirmed House GOP leaders had called Capitol Police to report several African American representatives engaged in the suspicious activity of voting against the bill.
California Sets Goal Of 100% Clean Energy By 2045 #~# Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill putting California on track for a goal of 100 percent clean energy and carbon neutrality by 2045. What do you think?
Percentage Of Unvaccinated Children In U.S. Has Quadrupled Since 2001 #~# The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that 1.3 percent of children born in 2017 did not receive any recommended vaccinations compared to 0.3 percent in 2001. What do you think?
‘We Will Never Speak Of This Again,’ Says Trump To Mohammed Bin Salman As They Dump Khashoggi’s Body Into New Jersey River #~# DELANCO, NJ—Crouching on the river’s muddy banks as they carefully weighed down the journalist’s dismembered corpse with bricks, President Donald Trump informed Mohammed bin Salman Monday that they will never speak of this again as they dumped Jamal Khashoggi’s body into the Delaware River. “This never happened, alright?” Donald Trump told the Saudi crown prince at approximately 4:32 a.m., jumping out of sight as headlights passed on the nearby turnpike before tossing several garbage bags containing body parts into the river and watching the forms sink into the murky depths. “Who knows what took place tonight? I don’t, that’s for sure. We never met. We never spoke. Next time I see you, we just shake hands for the cameras and smile.” At press time, Trump and bin Salman were driving home in complete silence after burning the blanket that once covered Khashoggi’s body.
Health Experts Say Tackle Football Poses Little Risk For Children Whose Brains Already Don’t Work That Well #~# CHICAGO—In an announcement perceived as a major reassurance to parents of children with low cognitive abilities, subpar reasoning skills, or who are simply “not all there,” top national pediatric health experts released a report Monday which claims that full-contact football poses little risk to children whose brains already don’t work too well. “Tackle football has long been known to be a high-risk sport, particularly for children under 12, but face it—some of these poor little guys are real knuckle-draggers, so why take away their fun? I mean, what do they have to lose?” said University of Chicago childhood development expert Dr. Maureen Clifford, whose neuropathological research led her to the conclusion that the risk of chronic traumatic encephalopathy caused by repeated or severe head impacts in children is mitigated by more than 90 percent in cases where the youth presented signs of being a huge dumbass and clearly had a couple screws loose already. “Of course, CTE is the most significant danger when it comes to contact sports like football, and the ages 10 to 18 are especially crucial to healthy neurological growth. But what are the symptoms of CTE? Mood swings, difficult thinking, memory loss? If that sounds like your kid, it’s because your precious little dude is already kind of a bonehead. Blocking, tackling, and getting hit on crossing routes are the least of the reasons why they’re acting like such a goddamn idiot all the time.” The study concluded that, for many of these halfwits, football is in fact their only shot at success.
Yankees Avoid Luxury Tax By Moving Franchise To Offshore Location #~# ISLAND HARBOR, ANGUILLA—In an effort to cut down on the crippling costs of their $190 million roster, the New York Yankees avoided Major League Baseball’s luxury tax this week by moving the franchise to an offshore location. “The Yankees have called New York home for 115 years, but unfortunately, moving the staff and stadium to this Caribbean island is the only way to shield ourselves from the MLB’s punishing tax system and maintain acceptable levels of profitability,” said owner Hal Steinbrenner, adding that while he knows New Yorkers will be upset about the move, the minimal tax burden and lower wages of Anguilla were necessary to succeed in the highly competitive modern baseball environment. “Yankees fans will still be able to enjoy the team they love on nationally televised games or the YES Network, and all season ticket holders will be able to make the 1,600-mile journey by plane or boat for every game. Unless, of course, New York would be willing to give us $25 million in luxury tax breaks.” At press time, Boston Red Sox ownership was responding to the news by scouting potential stadium locations in Liechtenstein.
Woman Amazed She Found Perfect Partner Just When She Was Getting Desperate Enough To Accept Anything #~# ELKINS PARK, PA—Saying that “the universe works in mysterious ways,” local woman Rebecca Ellis claimed Monday to be amazed at how she found the perfect partner just when she was getting desperate enough to accept anything. “Who would have thought I’d find the most perfect guy for me at almost the same instant I lowered my standards to a level I’d once have found unthinkable? I mean, what are the odds?” said Ellis, 28, marvelling at the timing involved in meeting her soulmate mere days after resolving not to spend another winter alone. “There I was, unimaginably lonely and quickly running out of options in this backward town, when suddenly Kevin barges through that door and fills the recently created Kevin-shaped void in my heart.” At press time, Ellis was overwhelmed with gratitude upon landing her dream job mere weeks after lowering her salary requirements and to giving up hope of getting decent health benefits.
MTA Reveals They Have No Idea Where Voices Speaking To Everyone On Subway Coming From #~# NEW YORK—Clarifying that none of their trains feature intercom systems, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority revealed Monday they have no clue where the disembodied voice speaking to everyone on the subway was originating. “The MTA has never at any point hired a speaker to tell passengers ‘Stand clear of the closing doors’ or ‘We are delayed because of train traffic ahead,’ so we urge anyone who hears one of these disturbing notices to contact us immediately,” said acting chairman Fernando Ferrer, adding that the individual reportedly likes to repeat these phrases tens of thousands of times a day and is, thus, clearly unstable and probably dangerous. “Our aim has, of course, always been to give riders a silent experience, so the fact that a mysterious woman is apparently shouting the names of each station, telling people to beware the platform edge, and listing all available transfers is deeply, deeply troubling to us. There’s not a single transit car the violators have missed, so we’re encouraging all New Yorkers to be especially vigilant until we apprehend these obviously unhinged people.” Ferrer added that commuters should disregard any and all posted advertisements, which have never been allowed in New York City subway cars.
Nation Admits Being So Coked-Out In ’80s They Have No Memory Of Reading ‘Cujo’ #~# BANGOR, ME—Admitting that their decade-long overindulgence in recreational stimulants rendered their memories “pretty much a blur,” the American populace admitted Monday to being so coked-out during the 1980s that they had no recollection whatsoever of reading Stephen King’s best-selling horror novel Cujo. “I have an ’83 paperback on my bookshelf, and the pages are all dog-eared, but I have absolutely no memory of any of it,” said retired schoolteacher Brian Millet, who claims to recall reading hundreds of published pages in the early 1980s but was unable to describe with any confidence what a “Cujo” was. “I’m sure I finished it really quickly, and I was probably pretty invested in it since I underlined almost half the text, but man, it’s all a fog. Sometimes, people ask me what inspired me to read it and I have no idea. I mean, what the fuck, there was a dog or something?” Millet, like most American readers of popular fiction, confessed that his degenerate, coke-damaged reading habits might well have persisted into the 1990s had he not experienced a personal epiphany upon being hit by a van.
‘Toy Story 4’ Teaser Released #~# Pixar has released a teaser trailer for their next highly-anticipated film in the Toy Story series, depicting Buzz Lightyear, Woody, and a new character, Forky. What do you think? 
‘The Powerpuff Girls’ Turns 20 #~# Nov. 18 marks 20 years since the debut of The Powerpuff Girls, the Craig McCracken–created cartoon that follows three kindergarten-aged girls with superpowers. The Onion looks back at the beloved show on its 20th anniversary.
Metropolitan Museum Acquires Another Vase #~# NEW YORK—Heralding the 2,200-year-old fired-clay container as a priceless addition to one of the world’s largest collections of same, the Metropolitan Museum of Art held a press conference Friday to announce the acquisition of yet another vase. “We’re more than thrilled to add one more intricately designed vase from either late Greek or early Roman times. Could be Phoenician, really. We’ll have to check. At any rate, it shares many of the same basic characteristics as other vases in our possession, distinguishing itself through slight differences that you no doubt will be easily able to discern,” said museum director and CEO Daniel Weiss, noting that the ceramic piece would be placed on display in the passageway between the “Interminable and Labyrinthian Galleries of Asian Art” and “Stacks and Stacks of Musical Instruments” wings. “We look forward to our visitors spending 10 or 12 seconds blinking at this excellent example of a vase, and perhaps even reading its placard in the hope of learning something uniquely interesting about it, but most likely it will simply read ‘vase’ and list a general time period for its creation.” The Met also took the opportunity to announce the acquisition of a bunch more old coins.
Hate Crimes Continue To Rise #~# An FBI report found that the number of reported hate crimes increased by 17 percent in 2017, with a notable 37 percent surge in anti-Jewish incidents. What do you think?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby #~# TULSA, OK—Pausing very briefly to reflect joyfully on her new role amid the day’s flurry of activity, new parent Suzanne Knott declared “becoming a mother has been the most thrilling experience of my life” Friday while fleeing the hospital with the baby she abducted mere moments before. “The very first moment I held this tiny human in my arms, I knew my entire world had changed forever,” said Knott, clutching the sleeping newborn close to her chest as she cut through the natal ICU to avoid pursuit, knocking over carts and incubators behind her to deter the nurses and security guards attempting to intercept her. “When her big, brown eyes met mine, I knew I would do anything for her, including knocking out her attending physician, stealing his coat, sneaking into the nursery, scooping her out of her crib, and running to the parking garage. I know, I know, everyone says motherhood changes a person, but until I finally clutched her close to my chest, I didn’t realize how true it was. And now this little one’s all mine.” Knott has yet to decide on a name, but was strongly leaning towards “Autumn” after hiding overnight with her baby in a pile of leaves.
Speakeasy Patrons Apparently Unaware It Legal To Go To Regular Bars Again #~# DENVER—Seemingly oblivious to the fact that Prohibition had ended roughly 85 years ago, a group of patrons attending a speakeasy Friday were apparently unaware that it is legal to go to regular bars again. “I guess they still haven’t realized that they don’t need to sneak around to buy alcohol, or go to a place with a weird side entrance to evade the police,” said local resident Jeremy Reynolds, standing dumbfounded as he watched the five friends—who must believe that the year was still 1920—skulk to the side of a building, utter a password to a bouncer, and then giddily rush inside a secret door. “Oh man, if they haven’t heard yet, someone should probably tell them that they can go to bars out in the open and not get arrested for violating dry laws. I bet they don’t think beer or wine is legal either? Jeez, they’re in for a real shocker when they find out that they don’t have to order moonshine cocktails anymore.” At press time, Reynolds had begun second-guessing himself after police flooded into the speakeasy and started arresting the clientele.
Archaeologists Apologize For Murdering Last Remaining Neanderthal In Fit Of Crazed Bloodlust #~# ANGERS, FRANCE—Expressing their contrition over the unfortunate incident, a team of archeologists from the Smithsonian Institution held a press conference Friday to apologize after discovering the last remaining Neanderthal and then immediately murdering him in a fit of crazed bloodlust. “The entire team is deeply sorry for tarnishing the historic discovery of a living Homo neanderthalensis by flying into a berserk fury and pummeling him to death with our shovels and trowels,” said lead researcher Lisa Rosen, noting that shortly after catching sight of the archaic human’s short legs, stocky build, and sloping forehead, all the nearby scientists were seized by an inexplicable and overwhelming urge to kill. “There is a lot we could have learned about human evolution from the final extant Neanderthal, and so repeatedly bashing in his skull represents a significant loss for our field. We regret our actions, and we regret further compromising this discovery by destroying the Neanderthal’s tools, personal possessions, and, indeed, all trace of his culture in a frenzy of homicidal rage. Our behavior was completely unprofessional and unacceptable. We apologize to the Smithsonian, to our backers, and to the scientific community at large. You deserve better.” At press time, the numerous photos taken of the Neanderthal had been lost after those assembled began emitting guttural war whoops and swarming around the camera to smash it with rocks.
Supercuts Now Offering To Give Customers Baths For $14.99 #~# MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to enhance the grooming experience at the company’s more than 2,400 locations, Supercuts announced Friday that they are now offering customer baths starting at $14.99. “Just because we provide great bathing value doesn’t mean we have to skip out on any of the tubside amenities our clients need,” said Supercuts CEO Steve Price in a press conference, adding that each full-service scrub-down would last approximately 10 luxurious, cleansing minutes at the hands of a highly trained Supercuts bathing technician. “After a long, stressful day at work, I’m not sure there’s anything better than a truly thorough body washing—and our hosts have been instructed to really get in there with the loofa. Believe me, it’s incredibly refreshing. We’re still working on putting in changing rooms at most locations, but for just $5 extra, we’ll add bubbles and a floating toy of your choice.” Price noted that customers would be given the opportunity to return to the salon within a week of their ablutions for a free touch-up hosing.
Khashoggi Assassin Hopes Bonus Check From Saudi Crown Prince Clears Before Execution #~# RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Expressing concerns about losing out on hard-earned blood money, a member of the Khashoggi assassination squad admitted Friday that he hoped his bonus check from the Saudi Crown Prince cleared before his execution. “They said they would do direct deposit, so everything should be good by Monday,” said Maher Mutreb, adding that the Saudi Crown Prince had always made timely payments on past invoices for silencing dissidents. “Plus, I’m pretty sure there aren’t any national holidays coming up that would affect bank hours. I get that I’ll never get the chance to spend it, but that murder and the subsequent cover-up were a lot of work. I already asked that they make it out to my wife, who they’ll probably kill as well, but if they don’t it would be pretty nice if she got what I promised her.” At press time, one of Mutreb’s work friends cashed the check after murdering his entire family.
China Introduces New One-Uighur Policy #~# BEIJING—In an effort to reduce the risk of overpopulation within the Muslim ethnic group, Chinese President Xi Jinping announced the decision Thursday to implement a new one-Uighur policy. “This new policy is an important step in keeping the Uighur population down to a number we find most manageable and best for the nation as a whole,” said the general secretary of the Communist Party of China, explaining that the policy would ensure that the country’s resources could be fairly distributed throughout the nation’s population of 1.386 billion people as well as the single remaining Uighur citizen. “We’re willing to be reasonable. The lone Uighur can have a job, a house, and even a family—as long as they’re normal Chinese people. The Uighur population was becoming far too large for our liking, and we think we’ve finally landed on a solution that’s fair for everyone.” Xi also clarified that the population program was actually the result of a compromise after their initial attempts at an official no-Uighur policy.
George R.R. Martin Admits He Struggling With New Book #~# In a recent interview, A Song of Ice And Fire author George R.R. Martin admitted that the plot’s expansiveness and the pressures of expectations have caused him to struggle with the Game Of Thrones new book The Winds Of Winter. What do you think?
Mother Feels A Little Validated After Daughter Who Stayed Out Late Gets Murdered #~# AVONDALE, OH—Confessing that her grief was somewhat moderated by seeing events play out exactly as she had warned, local mother Deborah Klein said Thursday she felt somewhat vindicated upon learning that her teenage daughter Rachel, after staying out later than parental rules allowed, had been murdered. “Sure, Rachel’s violent murder is not at all my desired outcome, but if I’m honest, it feels good to say ‘I told you so,’ even if it’s just to the bedroom she’ll never come home to again,” said Klein, adding that her daughter would often “pooh-pooh” repeated warnings that nothing good ever happens after midnight and disregarded entreaties to call in often with her location. “I would, of course, do anything in this world to get my sweet baby girl back, but it’s also nice to know I wasn’t being insane or unreasonable or mean, as some young people have been known to say, when I told her that we have curfews for a reason. Yes, this major tragedy will shatter me and I’ll never be whole again, but sometimes kids have to learn the hard way.” Klein later added that she intends to mention Rachel daily as a warning to her surviving children.
Saudi Crown Prince Begins 100 Hours Of Court-Ordered Community Service For Murdering Jamal Khashoggi #~# RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Working with cleaning crews alongside the Riyadh-Dammam Highway, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman began serving his 100 hours of court-ordered community service Thursday for murdering journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “Well, I’ll admit it—I got mixed up with the wrong people and I did some bad stuff, so this is what I get,” said the crown prince, who had reportedly been picking up trash since 5 a.m. that morning after a Saudi prosecutor found him guilty of ordering the assassination of Khashoggi. “Is 100 hours of work in the sweltering heat a lot of time? Yes. Is it perhaps too much? Of course! But in Saudi Arabia, we have to show our citizens that no one should be able to get away with murdering members of the media. Not even me.” At press time, the crown prince had reportedly left the premises after convincing his parole officer to let him serve the rest of his time stoning women and beheading prisoners.
Report: Underfunded Public Schools Lacking Basic Support Systems Leave Students Perfectly Prepared For Rest Of Life #~# WASHINGTON—A report released Thursday by the U.S. Department of Education revealed that underfunded American public schools, most of which lack even the most basic support systems, were producing students who were perfectly prepared for the remainder of their dismal public and professional lives. “We found daily interaction with—if not actual instruction from—a teacher who is inattentive to their needs tends to build a strong familiarity with indifference and neglect, which in turn allows students to transition easily into modern society,” said lead researcher Angela Cunningham, whose team found that grade schoolers experiencing routine systemic disappointment during early education were more than three times as likely to accept drifting through a series of disappointing careers and relationships in adulthood as normal. “Our students will no doubt be ready for the bureaucracy, red tape, and deep sense of resentment that will define the next generation of American jobs. But we cannot rest on our laurels; public schools are the first experience most children have with American society, and it’s crucial that we continue to instill a sense of normalized incompetence and apathy in our young people. It’s our duty as American citizens prepare them for lives of boundless mediocrity.” However, at press time, Cunningham admitted that a false sense of meaningfulness and individual worth from sources such as music, literature, the arts, and even mental health counseling were still major concerns in some of the nation’s wealthiest public school districts.
Wealth-Burdened Nation Grateful For Opportunity to Spend Money At New Onion Store #~# NEW YORK—Praising the media outlet for helping relieve them of their albatross, the wealth-burdened nation expressed gratitude Thursday to America’s Finest News Source for giving them the opportunity to spend money at the recently-launched Onion store. “These mugs and T-shirts bearing the Onion logo shall finally free us from the millstone of lucre so long weighing us down,” said 327 million Americans, jumping at the chance to turn out their pockets and unload their long-shouldered burden of coins and bills on an array of keychains, stickers, and various other Onion-branded merchandise. “With every dollar spent on hoodies and sweatshirts, it feels as if we are growing lighter and lighter. Look at us now, unmoored from our past monetary concerns! We’re practically flying! Flying!” At press time, mobs nationwide had been spotted tearing avarice-blinded citizens from their homes and forcing them to purchase 2019 Onion Calendars on penalty of death.
Wildfires More Frequent Because Of Climate Change, Forest Management #~# Large wildfires have increased due to both the climate warming by 1.3 degrees over the past 60 years and forest management, leading to a fivefold increase in major fires since the 1970s. What do you think?
Disgusting Coworker Barely Even Washed Ass Before Leaving Bathroom #~# SEATTLE—Appalled by the blatant lack of hygiene from someone they share a workspace with, employees at Avignon Public Relations were reportedly horrified Thursday that their disgusting coworker Mark Sharpe had barely bothered to wash his ass before leaving the restroom. “That’s so gross—I don’t know what he’s thinking,” said sales associate Remy O’Connor, noting that Sharpe had done little more than sprinkle some lukewarm water on his ass and barely dry off his cheeks with a paper towel before returning to his desk. “It’s so unsanitary. He didn’t use soap at all, and I also got the sense that if I hadn’t been in the bathroom at the same time as him, he wouldn’t have cleaned his ass at all.” O’Connor noted that he would be sure to use plenty of Purell on his own ass if he came in contact with Sharpe.
Widow Still Can’t Bring Herself To Get Rid Of Husband’s Corpse #~# ST. LOUIS, MO—Stressing the difficulty of moving forward in a particularly trying stage of the mourning process, local widow Simone Irving told reporters Thursday that she still couldn’t bring herself to get rid of her late husband’s corpse. “I know it sounds silly, but it’s the last thing I have of him,” said Irving, explaining that despite the urgings of friends, family members, and grief counselors, she had yet to dispose of her husband’s decaying body for over a year after his passing. “Everyone keeps telling me it’s time to move on with my life, but it’s hard. I mean, Geoff’s corpse still smells just like him. Sometimes, after a hard day, I’ll still curl up in bed with it. I know it may not seem healthy, but I just can’t seem to part with it.” At press time, Irving was packing up her deceased husband’s old body in a garbage bag to store in the attic.
Recently Divorced 40-Year-Old Struggling To Navigate College Dating Scene  #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the contemporary romantic vibe was totally different than the one he experienced in the late Clinton era, recently divorced advertising copywriter Richard Hamlin, 40, admitted Wednesday that he was struggling to navigate the college dating scene. “It’s not easy jumping back into the acton, especially when you have all these new apps to learn,” said Hamlin, remarking that everything from the music to the entire composition of Main Street had completely changed in the decades since he was dating his ex-wife. “Sometimes, I even find myself thinking that I have nothing in common with these 19-year-olds. When I show up at the bar, nobody seems to want to talk to me. It used to come so naturally, but now, when I ask someone about their major, they become uncomfortable and sort of melt away the first chance they get. I never thought I would say this, but I’m definitely considering joining a frat.” A dejected Hamlin later reported negative results from an attempt to “up his game” by spending $7 to load the jukebox with 45 straight minutes of Spin Doctors.
Amazon Officially Picks New York, Northern Virginia For Next Headquarters #~# Bringing to an end over a year of speculation, Amazon officially chose Long Island City, NY and Arlington, VA for their next headquarters, offering 50,000 jobs to the regions, while dividing locals who worry about rising property costs and transportation concerns. What do you think?
Melania Releases Statement Calling For Removal Of First Lady From White House #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that the situation had become untenable in recent days, aides working for Melania Trump released a statement Wednesday calling for the immediate removal of the first lady from the White House. According to the statement, the first lady “no longer deserves the honor” of serving in the position, which she has occupied since early 2017. The controversial memo went on to question the personal loyalty of the first lady to the president, going so far as to suggest she was someone widely viewed as “untrustworthy” within the administration. Noting that Melania Trump had repeatedly complained about the first lady to White House chief of staff John Kelly, sources painted a portrait of an East Wing in disarray and in desperate need of a shake-up. The unprecedented call for the ouster of a first lady by Ms. Trump has fueled speculation that she enjoys a great deal of influence over her husband. At press time, anonymous White House sources confirmed that Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner had been meeting with possible first lady replacements for several months.
Nancy Pelosi Planning To Reenergize House By Injecting Self With Blood Of Young Representatives #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing her excitement at the influx of newly elected progressives in Congress, Nancy Pelosi told reporters Wednesday of her plans to reenergize the House of Representatives by injecting herself with the blood of her party’s young members. “I’m really looking forward to improving the vitality of our caucus by spending lots of time with these new representatives as I slowly drain the blood from their shackled, unconscious bodies and then inject the precious liquid into my own veins,” said the current House minority leader, her eyes going completely black as she voiced her appreciation for the diverse wave of African American, Latino, Native American, and Muslim representatives, as well as for the “exquisite cocktail” of invigorating nutrients their blood would provide. “America sent a powerful message when they voted to send fresh blood to Capitol Hill, and I have heard them loud and clear. We’ve already collected 27 liters of plasma, and I pledge to use every last drop of it to renew my life force so that I can remain the top-ranking Democrat until 2075.” At press time, sources confirmed a newly spry Pelosi was on all fours frantically scrambling around the ceiling of the Capitol rotunda.
Naked Man Refusing To Let Unworthy Attire Touch His Body Until Launch Of New Onion Store Merchandise #~# PERRIS, CA—Saying he was unwilling to compromise his ideals by dressing in lesser-quality garb, naked man Jon Russo confirmed Wednesday that he was refusing to let unworthy attire touch his body while he awaits the launch of new Onion store merchandise. “My body is a temple and deserves to be draped in finery of a level only the Onion store can provide,” said the nude Russo, scrolling through the site’s collection of men’s T-shirts impeccably screen-printed by one of China’s most deluxe bulk T-shirt suppliers. “For my torso, only a comfort-fit sweatshirt emblazoned with the Onion logo will do. Until I receive my order, just a few standard shipping days from now, my skin will remain bare and untainted by inferior branded clothing.” At press time, a visibly sunburned Russo was attempting to rehydrate by drinking from his favorite Onion coffee mug.
Nation’s Tourists Announce Plans To Form Circle, Clap Hands Around Guys Doing Flips And Stuff #~# NEW YORK—Excitedly gathering for a good view, the nation’s tourists announced plans Wednesday to form a wide circle around a group of guys who were doing a bunch of flips and stuff. “We’re absolutely thrilled to stand here and clap our hands along with that guy cradling a boombox, cheering them on as they spin around and do backflips over things,” said a spokesperson for the nation’s tourists, adding that they looked forward to nodding their heads along to the sound of bucket drumming. “Furthermore, we will repeat this process in every city we visit, capturing all the crazy dance moves on our phones to later post on social media with a caption that says something like ‘Only in NYC.’ This also extends to the silver-painted man who is standing completely still, who we’ll approach individually until we’re startled by his sudden, rigid movements.” The tourists concluded their statement by revealing plans to disperse the circle and flee the scene right when the guys began passing around the donation hat. 
Female Director Asked If She Feels Comfortable Filming Scene While Nude #~# LOS ANGELES—In a concentrated effort to ensure the movie set felt like a safe, supportive place for all those involved, sources confirmed Wednesday that a female director was asked if she felt comfortable filming a scene while nude. “I just wanted to do a quick check with you to make sure you’re comfortable with this,” said producer Neil Forester, adding that the scene could be shot behind closed doors if prying eyes made her feel uncomfortable and even suggesting some shots could be completed using a stand-in director. “We’ll just need you to disrobe for a moment so you can get the shot the way it deserves to be filmed. Don’t worry, it’s going to be very tasteful—we really think this is what this scene needs.” At press time, the uneasy director had been presented with a moleskin nude unitard to put on before starting to film the scene.
Pfizer Unveils New Double-Sided EpiPen For Lovers #~# NEW YORK—Marketing the emergency auto-injector as the perfect product for romantic evenings when you and a partner go into anaphylactic shock simultaneously, Pfizer unveiled a new line of double-sided EpiPen devices Wednesday designed exclusively for lovers. “We recognized a real shortage of intimate, life-saving injectables in today’s emergency vasoconstrictor delivery-systems market,” said CEO Ian C. Read, emphasizing that the goal of the new EpiPen-Duo was not only to prevent sudden airway-collapse-based asphyxiation, but also to bring couples closer. “So much of the average allergic episode is spent alone, frantically gasping for air and clawing at your own throat—wouldn’t it be wonderful if couples could simply appreciate each other during those moments? Whether you’re reacting violently during a candlelit shellfish dinner for two or a romantic beekeeping session, rest assured that the double-sided EpiPen-Duo will be there for you when your breathing goes wrong—but the moment feels right.” Read added that the EpiPen-Duo would soon be available at all 650 Spencer’s Gifts locations.
The Onion’s Guide To ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ #~# Red Dead Redemption 2 has received nearly universal acclaim since its release in October when it had the second-most profitable entertainment product debut in history. The Onion answers common questions about playing the open-world Western game.
Report: Nation Getting Out All Its Aggression During Monthly Calls To Wireless Provider To Fix Service #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the hostile behavior helped Americans feel empowered and liberated, a report released Friday by the Pew Research Center revealed that the nation gets out all of its aggression during monthly phone calls to their wireless provider to fix their service. “Whenever I feel pure, unadulterated rage starting to build up in my chest, I call up my wireless service provider and just unload on the first human voice I hear. It really helps me stay centered,” said Charles Gagne, echoing the sentiment of over 325 million Americans who showed a strong preference to spewing vitriol over the phone for 75 minutes compared to other stress-relieving methods like consistent exercise or talk therapy. “If I’m still feeling a bit agitated after my initial call, sometimes I call back with another trumped-up charge to get it all out of my system. Once, I threatened to leave for a competitor and to file a formal complaint with their supervisor. I’m typically at ease for at least another 30 days after that.” In a related report, a global survey linked anti-American sentiment to mistreatment of customer service professionals.
North Korea Possibly Still Operating Hidden Missiles Bases #~# Despite its denuclearization pledges, North Korea may be operating smaller, hidden missile bases, satellite analysis found. What do you think?
New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Reveals Final Season Will Be Cobbled Together From Old Footage #~# LOS ANGELES—Shedding considerable light on the acclaimed fantasy epic’s long-awaited conclusion, HBO released a new Game Of Thrones trailer Tuesday revealing that the show’s final season will be cobbled together from old footage. “We’re excited to confirm that the final season will focus on previously aired scenes that have been hastily edited together at the last second,” said series co-creator David Benioff, adding that, if fans watch closely, they may be able to catch glimpses of several beloved, long-dead characters as well as some references to plot points from earlier seasons hidden throughout the teaser. “We know what our fans want, so we’re hoping that the season eight delivers on that in a satisfying way. Without giving too much away, the finale is going to feature a lot of really exciting moments that fans have known and loved—Arya standing on a rock, old clips of dragons flying, some B-roll of a crowd of peasants, and more. Judging by the responses to those scenes in their original seasons, we’re pretty sure fans are going to love it.” At press time, Benioff went on to warn that the trailer could contain spoilers for viewers who were not yet caught up on season two.
NRA Publishes Tips For Staying Safe While Committing A Mass Shooting #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Citing its longtime commitment to the promotion of safety among firearm enthusiasts, the National Rifle Association published a series of pointers Tuesday on how to keep safe while carrying out a mass shooting. “Every gun owner should know the NRA’s fundamental safety rules so they can avoid being tackled or disarmed in the middle of their deadly spree,” said spokesperson Dana Loesch, explaining that guns should always be loaded, held with a finger on the trigger, and pointed in the direction of anyone trying to stop a shooter from unleashing carnage at a shopping mall, house of worship, of former place of employment. “Before you go spraying bullets from an AR-15 into the crowd at a concert, make sure you familiarize yourself with the venue’s entrances and exits, chaining them shut if possible. Also identify restrooms or stairwells where you can barricade yourself and reload before reemerging to make your final stand against law enforcement.” Loesch added a reminder to stretch before mass shootings to avoid pulling a hamstring or twisting an ankle while exercising one’s Second Amendment rights.
New York City Announces Subway Just For Amazon Employees Now #~# NEW YORK—Championing the decision as a necessary step to make the “Big Apple” more tech-friendly, New York City mayor Bill de Blasio announced Tuesday that the subway is just for Amazon employees now. “All 8.6 million New York City residents not employed by Amazon or an Amazon subsidiary are prohibited from using MTA trains, effective immediately,” said de Blasio, adding that the transit system’s 27 subway lines will now exclusively serve as shuttles for the roughly 25,000 Amazon employees to commute through the five boroughs. “If you enter a subway station and cannot prove you work for Jeff Bezos, you will be arrested. If you insist on getting around New York, you can take the bus so long as you’re not planning on transferring to the train later. I think the easiest thing residents can do in lieu of the taking the subway is to drive to their destination and park nearby.” At press time, the mayor had ordered all inhabitants of Manhattan, Queens, the Bronx, Staten Island, and Brooklyn to vacate their homes to make room for several new private communities for Amazon workers.
Steve King Vehemently Denies Comparing Immigrants To People #~# WASHINGTON—Challenging any insinuation that he would ever say anything of the kind, Representative Steve King (R-IA) vehemently denied Tuesday comparing immigrants to people. “I would never, under any circumstances, say something so despicable,” said King, who was recently elected to his ninth congressional term, adding that any accusations of him claiming migrants were human beings with rights, emotions, and cognitive development were completely false and crossed a line. “Everyone who knows me knows that I’ve never believed that immigrants are people, and any suggestion otherwise is utterly baseless. It makes me sick to think that the media is trying to smear me by spreading lies that I think any immigrant or refugee should be considered a person who in any way deserves basic respect or legal protections. Don’t you dare associate me with any monster who thinks that way.” At press time, King was vigorously denying claims that he had made the comment “I want to respect all people” by declaring there wasn’t a moral bone in his body. 
Poll Finds Voters Don’t Support Impeaching Trump #~# A new poll reveals support for Democrats impeaching Trump is tepid, with half of voters saying they oppose the possibility and only 31 percent supporting it. What do you think?
Hillary Launches Campaign To Raise $100 Million Or Else She’ll Run For President #~# CHAPPAQUA, NY—In a press conference announcing her plans for the 2020 election, Hillary Clinton told reporters she is launching a campaign Tuesday that will raise $100 million by the end of the year or else she will run for president. “I’m very excited to roll out my initiative to secure this full amount within seven weeks, and if it is not successful—let me be very clear on this—I will once more fill out the paperwork to run for president and submit it to the Federal Election Commission,” said Clinton, who stressed that she was “absolutely serious” about her new A Hundred Million Or Me campaign, describing the town halls and candidate meet-and-greets she would soon begin holding in Iowa and New Hampshire if donors came up even a penny short. “What I’m asking you to do is picture—and picture very vividly—the following things: Lawns plastered with ‘I’m With Her In 2020’ signs, continuous television ads showcasing my strenuous attempts to appear enthusiastic, entire news cycles once more given over to my use of a private email server as secretary of state. That’s one possibility. The other is you give me $100 million. Up to you.” At press time, sources confirmed Clinton had raised $17.6 billion in the first 45 seconds of the campaign.
Surgeon General Confirms A Bit Of Blow Here And There Won’t Kill Ya #~# WASHINGTON—In a statement marking a reversal of opinion on a previously maligned narcotic stimulant, United States surgeon general Dr. Jerome Adams confirmed Tuesday that occasionally indulging in a bit of blow here and there would not, in fact, kill you. “While it should go without saying that the surgeon general’s office strongly advises against habitual cocaine use—I mean, c’mon, who are we kidding here, no one wants to be the coke guy, we hate that guy—but the truth of the matter is, if we’re being honest, really, there’s no harm in a little bump when the night starts dragging a little, just to get things rolling again, find your groove, you know, just don’t make your whole weekend about the chop and you’ll be fine,” said Adams during a press conference originally held to discuss the future of municipal public health in small cities. “You definitely have to make sure you’re spacing that stuff out. A nice thin rail, dance to four or five songs, chill a bit, get some tapas, another rail, no harm done, right? Right. Cool. Cool Cool. And please don’t drink too much, either, that’s pissing into the wind. If you’re gonna be mixing it with scotch, you might as well just sneeze a hundred bucks into a Kleenex.” Adams further stated that the music has to be right, that there is no shame in going home early if everyone is making you twitchy, and that you and he should really open up a restaurant together.
Trump Delivers Touching Tribute To Fallen Heroes Of WWE #~# WASHINGTON—Praising them in a memorial ceremony for all the sacrifices they had made, President Donald Trump reportedly delivered a touching tribute Tuesday to the fallen heroes of WWE. “Let us never forget how WWE continues to affect all of us, and how these brave men dedicated their lives to wrestling for their country,” said Trump in a 15-minute speech that touched on the entire history of WWE, from the powerful rise of Vince McMahon to some of its most important conflicts, including the hard-fought battles of WrestleMania X, the brutal 2002 Survivor Series, and Hulk Hogan’s pivotal 1984 victory over the Iron Sheik. “As it became clear long ago that we as a nation would need to enter the WWE ring, when we needed them most, these heroes answered the bell. They endured chokeslams, flying elbows, and piledrivers, and many of them courageously laid the smackdown to protect the freedoms of this great nation. From the violent days of Attitude Era to today’s comparative peace, our nation’s courageous fighters served admirably in WWE, and today we salute them.” Trump concluded the tribute by gently placing a ceremonial championship belt at the Tomb Of The Parts Unknown Wrestler.
Political Ad Spending Hit New Record In 2018 Midterms #~# More money was spent in the 2018 election cycle than any previous midterm cycle. What do you think?
‘He’s Not Right For You,’ Report Relationship Experts Who Must Not Want To See You Be Happy  #~# STANFORD, CA—Based on a compilation of data revealing their jealousy and negativity loud and clear, relationship experts confirmed Tuesday that “He’s not right for you,” because they must not want to see you happy. “Our extensive study shows that you might be better off with someone else,” read a summary of the researchers’ findings, which shed light on their insistence on projecting their own relationship issues and personal insecurities onto your own perfectly healthy love life in a pathetic attempt to introduce some excitement into their own dull existences, despite the fact that they barely even know him. “Listen, he’s not a bad guy—we just feel like you two aren’t necessarily compatible in the long run, and no one wants to see you get hurt.” At press time, the experts had decided to go ahead and fully stab you in the back with their suggestion that it might be “a good idea for you to just be single for a while.”
3 More States Vote To Legalize Marijuana #~# Voters in Michigan passed a measure Tuesday legalizing pot sales, while Utah and Missouri added themselves to the growing roster of 33 states where medical marijuana is legal. What do you think?
Woman Confident She Has The Safety Net It Takes To Achieve Dreams #~# LOS ANGELES—Citing her can-do spirit, belief in her own talents, and considerable trust fund, aspiring screenwriter and playwright Dasha Rothwell confirmed Monday that she was confident she had the safety net it would take to achieve her dreams. “I truly feel I have what it takes to pursue my creative and personal goals here in a big city. Even if it means pounding the pavement in my Lexus hybrid, only dining out five or six times a week, and forking out that much more for rent each month, I’ll just buckle down, grit my teeth, and ask my parents for the extra cash,” said Rothwell, 24, stressing that she’s not afraid of failure or having to start back at square one, as she would suffer no financial or material repercussions whatsoever in doing so. “Look, I know that there are huge risks involved in dropping everything to chase your dreams, but I’m more willing to go out on that ledge than most people, because I have faith in my dream and in the financial advisors who are ready to cushion my fall.” At press time, the rejection of her script by two studios had forced Rockwell to consider a return home in disgrace to New York, where she would put aside her dreams and help run her family’s multi-million-dollar investment firm.
Emmanuel Macron Calls For ‘True European Army’ Against U.S., Chinese Threats #~# Stressing that Europe could no longer depend on the U.S. for protection, French president Emmanuel Macron called for a trans-European army amongst EU member states. What do you think?
Study Finds Only 20% Of Seminary Graduates Go On To Become God #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Noting that students felt increasingly ambivalent about assuming celestial roles, researchers at the University of Notre Dame published a study Monday that revealed only 20 percent of seminary school graduates go on to become God. “Most students decide right before the graduation ceremony that they don’t actually want to be an omniscient being. Indeed, there are only a select few who can handle the pressure of devoting one’s entire life, and the entirety of time’s existence, to being an all-powerful deity,” said lead researcher Gary Anderson, who noted several factors that contribute to students quitting the journey to Godhood, including cost-prohibitive internships, an inequitable gender breakdown, and the comparatively difficult job market for Supreme Beings. “In many cases, schools would try to entice students by claiming they’d be an all-knowing deity right after college, but graduates soon discover much harsher realities. Even those who do go on to be the ruler and commander of the heavens and earth typically spend a few millenium toiling in underpaid apprenticeship roles.” In a related report, researchers found only 20 percent of philosophy PhD candidates go onto to become Socrates.
Family Figures Grandpa Never Talks About WWII Because Nothing Interesting Happened To Him #~# ATHENS, OH—Responding to their grandfather’s longtime silence on the subject, the family of World War II veteran Thomas Withers told reporters Monday that they figured the reason he never talked about serving was probably because nothing interesting happened to him. “Grandpa never discusses being stationed in Normandy, and he always gets really quiet whenever the subject comes up, so he must have spent the whole time puttering around Europe and just kind of hanging out,” said granddaughter Elise Phippen, who attributed the sad, distant look that appeared in her maternal grandfather’s eye on the anniversary of D-Day to regrets that he didn’t have even a single cool story to share about being a G.I. “I looked up his platoon, and I know they saw a fair amount of action, but I guess Grandpa was just doing clerical work the whole time or maybe he was working as a cook or something, because he’s never so much as mentioned any of it.” Phippen went on to theorize that Withers’ habit of bolting awake in the middle of the night was likely a side effect of the sheer boredom he experienced doing nothing but sitting in a room playing cards for four years.
FEMA Assures Wildfire Victims Bucket Brigade Nearly Over Maryland State Line #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming that the federal government was taking swift action to help those suffering in California, FEMA officials assured wildfire victims Monday that a bucket brigade is nearly over the Maryland state line. “The FEMA emergency response team is currently standing shoulder to shoulder in a line stretching from the Potomac up through Hagerstown and west almost all the way to Cumberland passing forward buckets of water en route to the Pacific coast,” said Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Brock Long, who refused to acknowledge rumors that workers do not have enough buckets and that the buckets provided are riddled with holes or missing handles. “We are facing major logistical concerns, including how we plan to cross the Mississippi River and whether we can pass through the Rockies without spilling a bunch. Water buckets should be there by early February, so I urge everyone affected by the blaze to hang tight. In the meantime, we recommend blowing really hard to extinguish the blaze, much like you would a birthday candle.” At press time, FEMA had halted bucket brigade operations after failing to find enough rescue volunteers willing to stand around Nebraska.
Friends Excitedly Gather Around Man’s Phone To Watch Shaky Footage Of Concert #~# CHICAGO—Exclaiming and pushing past each other as they jockeyed for a clear view of the screen, friends of local man Carl Michaels excitedly gathered around his phone Monday to watch the shaky footage he had recorded of a recent Mt. Joy concert. “Whoa, the audio is so distorted that you can barely even make out what song they’re playing—this fucking rocks,” said friend Brett Osnos of the blurry seven-second video, stressing how cool it was to hear a tinny, near-unlistenable stretch of the song’s bridge that was punctuated by a drunk woman screaming in the background. “That one part is killer where the light show gets so bright that the image turns completely pixelated and blown out. And it’s so sweet how you can barely see the band on the stage because most of the picture is taken up by a bunch of heads and people holding up their phones. Seriously, you’re a fucking god for scoring this.” At press time, numerous friends were frantically offering to pay Michaels upwards of $100 for the privilege of acquiring the “completely legendary footage” for their own phones.
Trump Hacks Through Thick Central American Jungle In Search Of Entirely New Ethnic Group To Demonize #~# TALAMANCAN MONTANE FORESTS, COSTA RICA—Venturing deep into rainforest no outsider has dared explore, President Trump slashed through the thick vines of a Central American jungle Monday in search of a previously unknown ethnic group to vilify. “Legend has it that this land is home to a lost race of people living in complete isolation, and if I can manage to find them, I will be able to stereotype them in any way I choose,” said the machete-wielding commander in chief who was wearing a tan field jacket as he led a group of loyal Republican allies through the oppressively hot and humid thicket in search of the mythic tribe. “This discovery could change everything. These people remain entirely untouched by any media coverage whatsoever, so I can easily stick them with the blame for our nation’s drug problems, violent crime, stagnant wage growth, you name it.” Upon sighting the uncontacted tribe, Trump’s reelection team reportedly took grainy black-and-white videos of them for immediate use in menacing campaign ads.
Ecologists Discover 400 Species Of Charles Darwin Living In Galápagos Islands #~# PUERTO BAQUERIZO MORENO, ECUADOR—Describing an astounding variety of naturalists previously unknown to science, a team of ecologists from Stanford University announced Friday the discovery of more than 400 species of Charles Darwin living in the Galápagos Islands.
Record Number Of Women To Take Seats In Congress #~# More than 100 women will take seats in the House of Representatives next year, a high watermark for nationwide representation. What do you think?
Reddi-Wip Casually Announces Their Nozzles Can Easily Fit Into Most Orifices #~# CHICAGO—In a matter-of-fact press release addressed to “consumers who might be interested in this sort of thing,” ConAgra Foods informally announced Friday that their Reddi-Wip nozzles can easily fit into most orifices on the human body. “Since our founding in 1948, we’ve been committed to providing Americans with high-quality and affordable whipped dessert toppings. And, oh, by the way, not sure we’ve ever mentioned this, but you know that tapered spout slides nicely into your asshole, right?” the press release, issued without fanfare and with no apparent occasion attached, read in part. The product briefing also said that “just as a heads up,” careful Reddi-Wip enthusiasts would encounter no difficulty in taking a can from their original, chocolate, or non-dairy flavor lines and inserting the tip into their vagina. “I’m not sure if we’ve mentioned before how easy it is to work one of these things up a nostril or into an ear canal. Mind you, we’re not here to say there’s anything wrong with just sliding Reddi-Wip between your toes, but would Reddi-Wip stop you from taking that extra step into the creamy, delicious unknown? Never. And just in case you wanted to know—lightly massaging, you know, yourself with Reddi-Wip while rotating the can ever so slightly creates a sensation so unbelievably euphoric that you won’t want to self-pleasure any other way again. Feel free to do what you want with this information.” ConAgra Foods was later forced to issue a press release specifically defining the orifices in which their product does not fit upon learning that 130,000 consumers had been hospitalized with urethral contusions.
City Officials Warn Against Flushing Feminine Hygiene Products After Finding 8-Foot-Long, 250-Pound Tampon Lurking In Sewers #~# NEW YORK CITY—Emphasizing that the discovery had put the residents of New York in grave danger, officials warned Friday against flushing feminine hygiene products after discovering an 8-foot-long, 250-pound tampon lurking in the sewers. “While the tampon may have started out just a few inches long at first, its super-absorbent strength allowed it to grow to a colossal size, decimating everything in its path,” said sanitation department spokesperson Hannah Ling, adding that although the cotton products may initially seem small and harmless, they can expand up to 10,000 times their original weight after being flushed down the toilet and then inhabit sewers for years. “In this particular case, the tampon proved extremely hazardous and actually ended up injuring several sanitation workers when it crushed them with its enormous mass. So remember, if you have a tampon, please dispose of it properly and safely by finding a trash can, rather than creating an environmental disaster.” Ling also confirmed the gargantuan tampon is responsible for the deaths of 15 cats and dogs that were reported missing last week.
Georgia GOP Demands Stacey Abrams Step Down As Candidate To Avoid Conflict Of Interest #~# ATLANTA—As votes continued to be counted to determine the outcome of the controversial Georgia governor’s race, the state’s GOP officials reportedly demanded on Friday that Stacey Abrams step down as the Democratic candidate to avoid a conflict of interest. “It’s clear that the integrity of this important election will be violated if Ms. Abrams remains in her obviously biased post as the Democratic candidate for governor,” said Ryan Mahoney, aide to the Brian Kemp campaign, adding that Kemp had resigned as Georgia’s secretary of state two days after the election in order to avoid the appearance of partisanship and that it was only fair that Abrams recuse herself from her post as well. “Ms. Abrams already displayed her appalling bias by appearing on the ballot as a Democrat in the first place, but stepping down as the candidate now would still allow the election to be decided fairly. We urge her not to indulge in blatant partisan behavior by manipulating the system so that all the votes are counted, and to do the honorable thing by giving up her candidacy.” Georgia GOP officials added that residents could avoid abetting Abrams’ compromised position by not voting for her in a runoff election. 
Study Finds Mediterranean Diet Adds Years To Your Life, But Only By Taking Them Away From Others #~# SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Researchers at the University of Rhode Island published a study Friday revealing that the Mediterranean diet can, in fact, add years to one’s life, but only by taking them away from others. “Our study confirms that a diet rich in foods such as olive oil, fish, and green vegetables can extend one’s lifespan by several years, as long as a life-expectancy equilibrium is maintained through reducing another person’s life by an equal amount of time,” said head researcher Mara Haugen, hypothesizing that the phenomenon could possibly be attributed to the complex but lesser-known vampiric properties of omega-3 fatty acids. “We’ve found that people who adhere to the Mediterranean diet tend to feel more energized during the day and sleep more peacefully at night, feeding as they do off the waning life force of another human being, who withers and becomes sickly in turn. This is a huge breakthrough in the field of nutrition, and we highly recommend people adopt the lifestyle before they fall victim to it.” Haugen went on to speculate that, if a person was fully committed to the Mediterranean diet, it may be possible for them to draw enough life force from the Earth’s population to achieve immortality.
Tips For Ending A Friendship #~# Just like any relationship, friendships can reach a point where they’re not beneficial to both participants, but ending one gracefully can be complicated. The Onion offers the best tips for ending a friendship.
Astronomers Confirm Moon Will Have Dozens Of New Phases In 2019 #~# HOUSTON, TX—Predicting that the upcoming lunar looks would delight stargazers all over the world, astronomers confirmed Friday that the moon will have dozens of new phases in 2019. “We are excited to announce that as of next year, the moon will add several new and exciting shapes to its usual crescent-shaped phases,” said Lisbeth Garcia, a NASA astronomer at the Johnson Space Center, adding that after millions of years of waiting, humanity would finally get to experience an entire host of stylish variations that include houndstooth, plaid, and imperial trellis. “We’ve confirmed that there will also be one with a really pretty scalloped edge, one with a big hole in the middle, and one that’s a four-leaf clover—not to mention a whole series of seasonal versions that will begin appearing in late fall that year. Be sure to grab your telescopes, because the Halloween and Christmas phases are going to be incredible!” At press time, Garcia added that they had not yet confirmed how the moon’s new shapes would affect the tides.
Trump Says He Hopes To Work With Democrats On Infrastructure, Drug Pricing #~# In a Wednesday press conference, President Trump said that he hopes to work together with the newly victorious House Democrats on issues ranging from infrastructure to drug pricing. What do you think?
Mueller Annoyed By Dipshit Protestors Holding Up Traffic During Commute #~# WASHINGTON—Laying on his horn while stuck in bumper-to-bumper gridlock, an annoyed special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly screamed at “dipshit protestors” from his car Thursday as a MoveOn rally held up traffic during his nightly commute. “Get a move on, assholes! Some of us have actual paying jobs and want to get home to our families after a long day at the office,” shouted the frustrated former FBI director, rolling down his window and berating the thousands of protestors to “shut the fuck up already” so he could “get out of this goddamn city.” “Seriously, don’t any of you people have jobs? It’s 5 p.m. on a Thursday. And hello? What happened to using sidewalks or speaking in a reasonable tone? Jesus, this shit should be illegal.” At press time, Mueller had reportedly been arrested for beating a protestor unconscious after the demonstrator kicked a dent into the side of his car.
Jeff Sessions Forced Out As Attorney General #~# President Trump forced Attorney General Jeff Sessions to resign, replacing him with a loyalist who could endanger the independence of the special counsel investigation. What do you think?
Department Of Interior Reopens National Parks After Filling In All Canyons Posing Hazardous Fall Risk To Visitors #~# WASHINGTON—Apologizing for the delay as they worked to correct the dangerous oversight, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Thursday that they had reopened the country’s national parks after finally filling in all the canyons posing hazardous fall risks to visitors. “We are proud to announce that we’ve successfully eliminated the enormous risk that these life-threatening chasms previously posed to guests,” said Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke, praising work crews for their diligent efforts in pouring asphalt into every hole over 10 feet deep in all 58 of the United States’ national parks. “Thanks to this common-sense safety measure, American citizens no longer have to worry about plummeting hundreds of feet to their death when they visit the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon, or the Canyonlands. While it took several months and cost billions of dollars, making sure all park guests feel safe and secure is a top priority.” Zinke also announced a new upcoming initiative to further improve national parks by sanding down the sharp tips of mountains that pose dangerous risks to hikers.
‘Sir, You Stated You Wanted To Modernize The Grinch For Today’s Audience,’ Says New CNN Entertainment Reporter Jim Acosta #~# LOS ANGELES—In a heated exchange during a contentious press conference, new CNN entertainment reporter Jim Acosta pressed film directors Scott Mosier and Yarrow Cheney Thursday on an earlier statement they had made concerning their desire to modernize the Grinch for today’s audience. “Sir, you’re on record stating that—sir! Sir! Let me finish—you’re on record stating that you wanted to update the franchise for 2018 despite the fact that the past installments hold up well,” said Acosta to the two filmmakers he accused of being deliberately evasive, frequently interrupting them as they tried to change the subject by discussing what it was like to work with Benedict Cumberbatch. “Let me finish. Let me finish. Answer me: Did you or did you not try to put a new spin on the classic Christmas tale? The nation needs answers.” At press time, Universal Pictures had banned Acosta from doing any press interviews for their film.
Anguished, Screaming Trump Bans Father’s Ghost From Press Room For Silently Pointing At Him #~# WASHINGTON—Forcefully closing his eyes, grasping his head with both hands, and repeatedly screaming to be left alone, a visibly anguished President Donald Trump was observed Thursday banning the ghost of his late father, Fred Trump, from the press room for silently pointing at him. “You will not stare and raise your finger at me like that, Father! I am the president of the United States no matter what you think! I make the rules now, and you mustn’t defy me!” said Trump, raking his fingers down his face and straining his voice until it cracked as he pointed to an empty corner of the room and commanded a group of baffled aides to remove his long-dead father. “This is a disgrace—there is no place in the White House for your judgment—get him out of here! And someone silence the voices, the thousands of voices. I can barely talk with their whispers filling my head, their laughter and whispers. Father, this is my house! Stop pointing at me!” White House maintenance staff said it would take at least a week to clean the walls of the West Wing hallway where Trump had scrawled the words “GO AWAY” hundreds of times in what seemed to be red paint.
Mueller Wondering Why There All This Drama Over Trump’s Unpaid Parking Violations #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing confusion as to why everyone was getting so worked up, special counsel Robert Mueller was reportedly wondering Thursday why there was all this drama over Donald Trump’s unpaid parking violations. “I mean, sure, he got some parking tickets, and he really should pay the fines, but it feels like people are freaking out for no reason,” said Mueller, acknowledging that while his investigation into the president had turned up multiple parking violations, including several times when the president had overstayed a parking meter and even a decades-old instance when he left his car in a handicapped zone, it was nothing to foment national mass protests against. “Obviously, it’s not ideal for a sitting president to have outstanding parking fines, but a lot of these are just BS street cleaning things, and honestly, he’s probably not even guilty of some of them. I don’t understand why he’s so resistant to talking to me about, what, maybe a few hundred bucks at most? Now his kids are being brought into it, and I even had to talk to his campaign manager just to make sure it was his vehicle. This whole thing is making a mountain out of a molehill.” Mueller added that he would be happy to cut the amount President Trump owes in half just to get the whole thing over with.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders Denies Doctoring Footage Showing Jim Acosta In Clown Makeup Blowing Up Gotham Hospital #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to criticism that she had engaged in misleading behavior, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders issued a flat denial Thursday that she had shared doctored footage portraying CNN reporter Jim Acosta in clown makeup blowing up Gotham Hospital. “President Trump expects and even demands difficult questions from journalists, but for Acosta to infiltrate a hospital dressed as a nurse in order to plant explosives is simply beyond the pale,” said Sanders of the clip, which shows the White House correspondent standing outside pressing a remote detonator several times as a hospital explodes in the background. “This is clear evidence that Acosta has shirked his journalistic responsibility by murdering scores of Gotham citizens, and it’s even more outrageous given his track record of unhinged actions, including lighting a pile of money on fire with a cigar and robbing a bank at gunpoint with several masked accomplices. Banning Acosta from the press room is the only reasonable response for these clear lapses in judgment.” At press time, CNN had responded by holding a panel discussion featuring experts arguing over whether Sanders’ denial represented an effective strategy for the Trump administration.
Dunkin’ Donuts Unveils New Seasonal Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte For End Of Fall #~# CANTON, MA—Touting the beverage as the perfect drink for those frigid, gray November mornings, Dunkin’ Donuts unveiled a new seasonal Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte Thursday to celebrate the end of fall. “Containing our signature coffee mixed with an artisan blend of freshly ground dead leaves and decomposing pumpkin chunks, our Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte wonderfully captures the feeling of autumn drawing to a desolate, miserable close, leaving only the long winter ahead,” said Dunkin’ Donuts spokesperson Carolyn Wiseman, adding that the latte comes topped with random pieces of stale, crushed-up Halloween candy that have been sitting at the bottom of a trick-or-treat bag. “Our customers will just love the Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern’s seasonal aroma notes of pumpkin detritus, mothballed sweater, and burnt dust on a long-dormant heater, reminding them that another year is passing quickly by. And for just 99 cents more, you can add an extra flavor shot of dirty sleet.” At press time, Dunkin’ Donuts added that it had decided to release the Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte after the recent success of its seasonal Rank Body Sweat Coolatta to celebrate the month of August.
Sick Parent Offers Man Perfect Excuse To Move Back Home And Give Up Dreams #~# LOS ANGELES—In a move relieving his firstborn of the mounting stress associated with the pursuit of his life’s ambition, ailing father Gideon Albright selflessly offered his son, aspiring writer Julian, 27, the perfect excuse to move back home and give up on his dreams. “My father’s diagnosis was tangible proof that when you really need to relinquish control—and therefore responsibility—over what you’re doing with your life, the universe will deliver. This is exactly what I needed to finally stop struggling with my novel,” said Albright, expressing feelings of deep relief that he would be giving up his apartment for at least a year, and perhaps as many as three if his father’s condition stretched out for a cruel and heartbreakingly long time. “Now, whenever friends ask me how life is in the big city, I can say that for now, I just need to be there for the old man. This is exactly what I needed to hear after driving myself crazy with anxiety and self-doubt.” Julian said his first act upon moving home would be to thank his father for the opportunity while he could still recognize how much it meant.
Idris Elba Named Sexiest Man Alive #~# People magazine named British actor Idris Elba the sexiest man alive, only the third time a person of color has won in the award’s 32-year history. What do you think?
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# THOUSAND OAKS, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed 12 individuals, including a police officer, and seriously injured at least 12 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Kansas resident Carrie Grant, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Beto Voter Struggling To Refocus Her Sexual Fantasies On Ted Cruz #~# AUSTIN, TX—Admitting that her attempts to fantasize about the victorious Senate candidate “just haven’t been the same,” noticeably flustered Beto O’Rourke voter Carissa Halpern told reporters Wednesday she was having difficulty refocusing her sexual yearnings onto Ted Cruz. “I was really hoping Beto would be my senator, but Ted Cruz won, so I guess I have to find a way to make this work,” said Halpern, adding that no matter how long she stared at photos of Cruz, she kept getting tripped up whenever she tried to imagine him in any of the steamy, intensely erotic scenarios his opponent had occupied in her desires over the past six months. “He doesn’t work out, he isn’t handsome, and he certainly doesn’t have an appealing personality or sense of humor. But he did manage to beat Beto at the polls, so maybe that’s kind of hot? I don’t know. Maybe if I picture him as being kind of like a sexy vampire? Oh God, no—no, that’s definitely not going to help. This is really going take a lot of work.” At press time, Halpern said that while she was still struggling to get off to Cruz, refocusing her sexual desires into fantasies involving torture and pain play was certainly helping.
Pistachio-Eating Man Achieves ‘Flow’ State #~# CHULA VISTA, CA—Awed and profoundly moved after witnessing such Zen-like serenity and focus, sources close to pistachio-eater Lawrence Carmichael confirmed Wednesday that he had achieved a complete “flow” state while snacking on the shelled seeds. “I believe his consciousness tuned out all extraneous stimuli or phenomena until his entire universe became encompassed by that simple bowl of nuts,” said astonished onlooker Ryan Martinez, who claimed to have “glimpsed a brief yet somehow boundless flicker of eternity” in the mesmerizing rhythm of Carmichael’s opening of the culinary nuts, consumption of the delicious nutmeats, and discarding of the shells, during which his motions echoed the movements of the planets in their orbits and the very stars in their heavenly courses. “This is unbelievable. This is beautiful. It’s incredibly efficient and unfathomably elegant and somehow absolutely effortless, all at once. I’ve been watching him for 20 minutes now and he’s barely noticed.” The delicate equilibrium of Carmichael’s flow state was later disturbed beyond recovery after he choked to death on a shell.
Democrats Win House #~# Democrats took back the House of Representatives in the 2018 midterm elections, providing a check on Republican policymaking and a rebuke to President Trump for the next two years. What do you think?
Nonprofit Places Burnouts In Jobs You Can Do Blitzed Out Of Your Mind #~# SANTA FE, NM—In an effort to provide habitually drug-addled community members with more and better legal opportunities for financial self-support, career placement nonprofit Pass It On has announced a new employment program that aims to place burnouts in jobs they can do while totally blitzed out of their minds. “We’re committed to assisting those who struggle with addiction by helping them find work you could easily do right after getting baked off your ass or crushing a rail of oxy,” said spokesperson Eileen Shreve at a press conference held to introduce the public to the locally focused nongovernmental organization’s careers page, which lists hundreds of jobs requiring no past experience operating heavy machinery or balancing spreadsheets. “By partnering with local businesses, we’ve staffed several hundred burnouts in positions that don’t require meeting production quotas, personal appearance standards, or hard deadlines of any kind. This is more than just a jobs program for us—we’re trying to bring real change to members of society who deserve to make a living while they’re stupendously blazed.” Shreve concluded her remarks with an anecdote concerning a Pass It On staffer who overdosed at work just this morning, opening up yet another job opportunity.
Key Takeaways From The 2018 Midterms #~# The 2018 midterm elections resulted in the Republicans holding onto the Senate, the Democrats taking the House, a number of governor’s houses switching parties, and the passage of many progressive state ballot measures. The Onion takes a look at the key takeaways from the 2018 midterms.
Upcoming ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Expansion Allows Players To Experience Story From Horse’s Perspective #~# NEW YORK—Promising gamers the most authentic equine experience in gaming history, Rockstar Games announced Wednesday that the first downloadable content update to their record-setting open-world Western game Red Dead Redemption 2 will have players reliving the game’s story from the perspective of their favorite horse. “This new mode adds tons of depth to your tamed-ungulate experience with over 100 hours of additional herd-animal content in the lush and vibrant setting of Red Dead Redemption,” said lead designer Christian Cantamessa, who revealed that players can now control their horse directly while walking around painstakingly detailed stables, whinnying at random, or grazing for hours outside the camp of protagonist Arthur Morgan. “Player-horses will eventually be given a huge variety of apples, beets, hay, and oatcakes to boost their horse, and they will witness a cinematic story as seen through the eyes of a horse being lead around or ridden by its owner. We’ve even expanded the honor system so you can become either a ‘good boah’ by obediently following a trail or a ‘bad boah’ by bucking off your rider, though of course you never really get to choose where you go.” The as-yet untitled expansion will also contain a complete graphic makeover to accurately simulate the 350-degree field of a horse’s dichromatic blue/green-and-white vision.
Report: More Prisons Now Encouraging Inmates To Explore Their Creativity By Designing Own Method Of Execution #~# SAN QUENTIN, CA—In a new study examining trends in long-term American incarceration, Cornell University researchers found a marked increase Wednesday in the number of prisons encouraging creativity in death row inmates by allowing them to design the method of their execution. “Our investigation revealed that an increasing number of condemned felons in the U.S. penal system are being granted the freedom, as it were, to express themselves by developing new and innovative means of capital punishment,” said lead researcher Dr. Elinor Hubbard, whose work noted contemporary felons moving steadily away from traditional methods like lethal injection as a means of corporeal release, instead tapping into their imaginations by devising unique final acts such as being pushed into a vat of acid, jumping into a tank full of hungry sharks, or eating themselves to death. “It’s great to see that, even when more citizens than ever are in prison, their minds are unchained and researching new ways to die. These guys are really exploring their surroundings by selecting to jump off the roof or be buried alive in the prison yard, or they’re discovering whole new sides of themselves by tinkering with tools in the shop to build guillotines, Judas Cradles, and other lethal devices that will ultimately be used to set them free forever. It’s truly inspiring.” At press time, Hubbard added that allowing prisoners to curate their own deaths has also had a profound effect on recidivism.
Trump Unveils Reelection Campaign Plan To Drive Bus Into Crowds Across Country #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to appeal to his base and build enthusiasm for his reelection bid, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that his 2020 campaign included plans to drive a specially decorated tour bus into crowds across the country. “I’ll have these amazing crowds, the biggest, most beautiful crowds you’ve ever seen, and we’ll just plow right through them in our bus,” said Trump, explaining his strategy for retaining control of the White House by energizing his base with campaign rallies and appearances and then crushing them under the weight of a chartered bus. “No one has campaigned like this before––bringing a gorgeous bus to huge crowds of everyday Americans and running them down. It’s the, you know, the people, and I’m the people’s president. It will probably say that on the bus. Important. Connect with voters. We’re going to the South, through the—what they call it since Obama—the rustbelt, meeting supporters, driving into them, driving over them. Driving over thousands of people. Men, women, children, everyday Americans, they’ll love it. They love buses. We get huge crowds of folks at my rallies, you know? These people, they’ll chant my name while I drive over them in our bus. Big bus, just beautiful. I’ll drive the bus myself—I can drive. The bus can go, like, 90 miles per hour, so we’ll—you know, I’m gonna do that. Run them over. Crush them, drum up so many votes.” A special TrumpBus companion website reportedly features a special section for donors pledging over $1,000 to Trump’s reelection campaign in exchange for president slowly backing his bus over the donor’s entire extended family has already sold out.
Report Finds J. Geils Band’s ‘Centerfold’ Will Outlast You And All That You Create In This Life #~# NEW YORK—Noting that the pop hit was certain to have far greater longevity than the entirety of your earthly works, a new report released Wednesday found that the song “Centerfold,” by The J. Geils Band will outlast you and all you create in this life. “After extensive research, we have conclusively shown that the 1982 chart-topping single from the album Freeze Frame will survive long after you and everyone whose life you have affected are long dead,” said lead author Peter Ward, adding that the dance-rock anthem telling the story of a man who is shocked to discover a spread featuring his high school crush in a pornographic magazine will still be playing on the radio and streaming online for decades after the whole of your existence has been completely forgotten. “As you can see, while your bones will have turned to dust and everything you love and cherish will have been obliterated, lyrics such as ‘Those soft and fuzzy sweaters/Too magical to touch/To see her in that negligee/Is really just too much’ will continue to endure.” Ward added that the 1992 cover of “Centerfold” by German thrash metal band Tankard was guaranteed to have a bigger influence on the culture and the world at large than anything you’ve ever done.
Bored J.B. Pritzker Brainstorming New Hobbies To Blow Money On After Winning Election #~# CHICAGO—Growing restless and wandering away from the party celebrating his victory Tuesday night, a bored J.B. Pritzker was reportedly brainstorming new hobbies to blow his money on after winning the Illinois gubernatorial election. “Shelling out $171 million of my own money to get elected governor was fun and all, but now that that’s over and done with, it’s time to think big and find some other stuff I can buy,” said Pritzker, adding that after spending his own and his family’s vast wealth on starting an investment group with his brother, owning a horse farm in Wisconsin, purchasing a Lake Geneva vacation mansion, having a science center at the Milton Academy named after him, getting a building at the University of South Dakota named after his wife’s parents, ensuring the Northwestern law school was named after his family, setting up charities to provide cover for funneling money into offshore accounts, bankrolling union-busting activities at companies he owns, sending his children to private school, heavily funding two Hillary Clinton presidential campaigns, giving over $2 million to Duke University, flying on private jets, and winning the governor’s race, he was looking for a fun new diversion to help offload some more of his $3.4 billion fortune. “It’s definitely nice to be governor, but what I’m really looking for is something that requires me to pony up some serious moolah. After all, I only get to be governor of one state. I bought a bunch of Faberge eggs and a ton of the rarest luxury cars I could find, but that’s not really doing it for me. I was talking to someone the other day who said I could buy an Egyptian mummy, so maybe I’ll do that. Or I could buy up a bunch of vineyards, or a couple castles? Maybe I can use my time as governor to really get down to work on my dream of finally buying all of Da Vinci’s works. I’d better think of something soon, though, since all this cash is really burning a hole in my pocket.” At press time, Pritzker had decided to order a full-scale reproduction of Venice in southern Illinois after realizing how much taxpayer money he would have fritter away.
Report: Wealth Of America’s 3 Richest Families Grew By 6,000% Since 1982 #~# Three U.S. families—the Waltons of Walmart, the Mars candy family, and the Koch brothers—have a combined wealth of $348.7 billion, a fortune that has increased 6,000 percent since 1982. What do you think?
Increasingly Paranoid Campbell’s Begins Stockpiling All Its Soup To Prepare For Doomsday #~# CAMDEN, NJ—In a move that has left grocery store shelves empty across North America, an increasingly paranoid Campbell’s Soup Company has begun stockpiling the entire production of its eponymous canned soup in preparation for the total catastrophic collapse of civilization. “The end is nigh, and the only way to safeguard ourselves from the approaching famine is to hoard as much cream of mushroom soup as we can,” read a press release from interim CEO Keith McLoughlin in part, which also went into detail about the likelihood of tomato soup becoming the lifeblood of post-apocalyptic society after 95 percent of the population perishes in the scourge. “We have barricaded the doors to the warehouse and set armed guards so the swarming, starving masses won’t be able to steal our precious gumbos, bisques, and stews. He who controls the soup controls the future.” At press time, Campbell’s elders had commanded a band of mohawked, flamethrower-brandishing marauders to mount their diesel-belching dune buggies and take control of a Progresso refinery.
Georgia Election Worker Assures Black Man Ballot Scanner Supposed To Sound Like Shredder #~# LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Insisting that the machine was operating exactly as intended, Georgia election worker Mitchell Hamlin reportedly assured a black man on Tuesday that the ballot scanner was supposed to sound like a shredder. “Don’t you worry, it’s designed to sound like it’s ripping your ballot into thousands of tiny pieces,” the election worker informed the middle-aged African American resident, adding that it was merely a coincidence that several white voters in front of him had been directed to insert their ballots into a different scanner. “You should absolutely be hearing a constant whirring and shredding sound—that’s the machine’s way of telling you that your vote counts. And that bucket below where the ballot scanner is dropping strips of paper? That’s simply the machine producing a receipt so we know it went through to the right place. Congratulations, you definitely voted today.” At press time, Hamlin stated that he could also confirm the man’s registration for the 2020 election if he just handed over his driver’s license.
Poll: 43% Of Americans Believe #MeToo Has Gone Too Far #~# In a finding divided more by party than gender, a poll found that 43 percent of Americans believe the #MeToo movement has gone “too far,” expressing concern about the rush to judgment and unproven accusations ruining peoples’ careers. What do you think?
Man Confused By Obscure Down-Ballot Measure About Deciding Who His Senator Should Be #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Growing increasingly frustrated as he attempted to cast his vote in the midterm elections despite a severe lack of clarity and transparency, citizen Geoff Barnes admitted Tuesday that he was deeply confused by an obscure down-ballot measure to determine the senator for his district. “I don’t even know who these people are or what this ‘senator’ thing is supposed to be, but I hate to just guess,” said Barnes, visibly annoyed at the ballot’s lack of any explanation as to what exactly the measure comprised and the absence of any kind of key that might help him comprehend the (R) and (D) symbols appearing next to the accompanying names. “I hate how they sneak these little things in at the end without giving you any information. Obviously, I know what I want done for the major issues, such as the dog park initiative and the new water reclamation substation, but who knows about this piddly stuff. Honestly, it’s things like this that keep people from voting altogether.” Barnes ultimately decided to register his displeasure by writing in the pseudonym “Joe Donnelly” instead.
Uber Offering Discounted Wages For Election Day #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Encouraging voters in need of a ride to take full advantage of the company’s drivers, ride-share service Uber announced Tuesday it would be offering discounted wages for its employees on Election Day. “We want people to get out and vote, which is why our drivers will be working at a 75 percent discount all day long,” said CEO Dara Khosrowshahi, who revealed riders could enter the promotional code VOTE2018 into the Uber app to cancel the surge income normally paid to drivers during high-volume hours. “At Uber, we know voting is an important part of our civic duty, and cutting worker wages is the least we could do to encourage turnout. Drivers will also be required to work 14-hour shifts to handle as much Election Day business as possible.” Khosrowshahi added that anyone who tweeted a picture of themselves wearing an “I voted” sticker would earn an extra $10 off their driver’s next paycheck.
Pros And Cons Of Compulsory Voting #~# Only about 40 percent of eligible Americans vote in a typical midterm election and around 60 percent in a presidential election, leading some to suggest the U.S. follow other countries’ lead and make voting compulsory, while critics warn it could have negative consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of making voting compulsory.
North Carolina Voter In Heavily Gerrymandered District Somehow Voting For Montana Senate, Mayor Of Phoenix #~# GREENSBORO, NC—Admitting that it was difficult to keep up with all the different races, North Carolina voter Darin McDonough told reporters Tuesday that he was somehow voting for the Montana Senate and the mayor of Phoenix, AZ in his heavily gerrymandered district. “Man, there is a lot of confusing stuff on here. I’m not really that familiar with the Wyoming governor’s race, and I have no idea which of these Michigan judges to vote for,” said McDonough, who said the two candidates to represent his North Carolina district in Congress were listed as being a Nebraska Republican and a New Hampshire Democrat. “I’m definitely voting yes on this ballot measure to legalize marijuana in North Dakota, but I’m not sure about approving a tax hike for this bridge in Mississippi. Maybe I’ll just play it safe and vote straight party-line for city council in Pittsburgh, Lubbock, and Anchorage.” At press time, a judge had upheld the legality of McDonough’s congressional district, which covers an acre-wide strip of land zig-zagging across the country.
Americans Head To The Polls #~# Citizens nationwide are heading to the polls today to cast their votes in the 2018 midterms, deciding which party will control the U.S. House and Senate, alongside other local offices and issues. What do you think?
Review: ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Delivers With A Beautifully Rendered World, But Stumbles As An Immersive Experience Due To Its Smooth Jazz Soundtrack #~# Seven years in the making, Red Dead Redemption 2—the third installment in Rockstar Games’ Western-themed series—is one of the most anticipated games of this console generation, and in many ways, this cowboy epic blows away those expectations. Playing through its gunfights, train raids, and elegiac storyline, I couldn’t help but be dazzled by the sheer scope of the game, the immersive open-world experience, and the detail on everything from the world map to the lush foliage. It’s simply breathtaking in almost every particular, and it would be more than worth the wait if it weren’t for the ambient smooth jazz soundtrack that consistently pulls you out of the game.
Libertarian Candidate Worried After Latest Poll Shows Him 98 Points Behind #~# HILLIARD, IA—Beginning to worry about his chances as he followed live Election Day media coverage, Libertarian Party House of Representatives candidate Maxwell Booth was reportedly concerned Tuesday after the latest polls showed him 98 points behind his competitors. “We knew it would be a tough race, but I have to admit, the final polls showing I’m dozens of percentage points behind the other candidates doesn’t fill me with a whole lot of confidence,” said Booth, who is running on the Libertarian Party ticket for the third consecutive election, stressing that polls showed him trailing his opponents by just 97 points as recently as last week. “This poll does have a four-point margin of error, so it’s entirely possible that I’m really receiving 4 percent or even 4.5 percent of the vote. It’s an uphill battle, of course, but who knows if those polls really capture the enthusiasm of voters out there, like the campaign sign of mine that one of my volunteers saw on someone’s lawn a few weeks ago. And if I can pull in .3 percent or even .4 percent of absentee ballots, I think we’re looking at really exceeding the pollsters’ expectations.” At press time, Booth and his three-person campaign staff were wondering if the election could tip their way after learning that early voting tallies had netted the candidate four votes.
Americans Demand Their Voices Be Heard And Also Some Kind Of Dessert You Get After Breakfast #~# WASHINGTON—Telling reporters that they were sick and tired of having their views ignored, Americans nationwide demanded Tuesday that their voices be heard and also some kind of dessert you get after breakfast. “For too long, we have stood in the shadows, silenced by the powerful—but no longer. We insist on representation as well as a delicious treat to satiate our sweet tooth after our morning meal,” said Gary Nelson, speaking on behalf of millions of Americans who had taken to the streets brandishing homemade signs with slogans reading “Government By The People, For The People, Plus A Post-Breakfast Sugar Fix,” and “We’re Taking Back America And Having Ice Cream Or Maybe Chocolate Mousse At 9:30 A.M.” “Special interest groups have held our country in a stranglehold for decades. We’re past believing the empty promises of politicians, and we will not be satisfied until real, concrete action is taken. Also, we will not be satisfied that a muffin or pancake counts as a pastry—we want some sort of real dessert early in the day, and we want it now.” Nelson added that if it came down to it, they’d settle for just the breakfast dessert.
Trump Boys Proud After Mailing In Hand-Drawn Republican Ballots To North Pole #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of participating in the democratic process as envisioned by our nation’s founders George Washington and Santa Claus, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly proud Tuesday after mailing in hand-drawn Republican midterms ballots to the North Pole. “We couldn’t make it to the North Pole to talk to Santa in person this year, so we sent in centipede [sic] ballots so the elves and reindeer can count all the votes on them,” said Eric Trump of the ballots they wrote in crayon on construction paper, wadded up, and stuffed into envelopes addressed to “Santa’s Workshop” with hand-drawn “Fast Class” stamps affixed to the paper with chewing gum. “We voted for our dad, like, 50 times, and then we voted for all his friends so they get to win. And we made sure to be extra good these last couple weeks, because Santa is watching, and if you’re naughty he won’t count your votes. Just in case, we put milk and cookies in there for Santa, too.” At press time, the Trump boys were mailing armfuls of ballots by dropping the soggy, tape-covered envelopes into a White House recycling bin.
Man Wishes There Were Some Kind Of Pre-Midterm Race Where Voters Could Select Better Candidates #~# WARMINSTER, PA—Claiming he simply didn’t connect with any of the people running for office this year, voter Carson Smith voiced his desire Tuesday for some kind of pre-midterm election race where voters could choose from better candidates. “I would have loved a chance, say, four or five months before the midterms, to see a wide selection of office-seekers, look at their positions on the issues, and figure out who belongs on the ballot,” said Smith, explaining that he would feel far more invested in the electoral process if he could better weigh his options from a larger pool rather than just one candidate per party. “I guess it should probably be organized by the Republican and Democratic parties. Like, we see a bunch of different people, but then pick our primary guy.” Smith also wished for some manner of public forum in which candidates could discuss their ideals and goals in the presence of a moderator.
Humanity Has Wiped Out 60% Of World's Animals Since 1970 #~# Humanity has wiped out 60 percent of the world’s mammals, birds, fish, and reptiles since 1970, leading experts at the World Wildlife Fund to warn of an extinction crisis now threatening civilization. What do you think?
‘Gladiator’ Sequel In The Works #~# Ridley Scott confirmed that he is currently working on a sequel to the critically acclaimed film Gladiator, which will focus on the life of the character Lucius as an adult. What do you think?
Nation Begs For Midterms To Be Pushed Back To Delay Start Of 2020 Presidential Campaigns #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they just wanted a short breather before having to dive right back into national politics, Americans begged Monday for the midterm elections to be pushed back to delay start of the 2020 presidential bids. “Please, the later you can schedule the general elections, the more time we’ll have until we turn on the TV and inevitably see that first candidate kick off their campaign for the White House,” said 325 million Americans, adding that even just putting a few more days of padding before the midterms would let them rest before having to endure two straight years of nonstop presidential campaigning. “Honestly, the idea of casting a ballot tomorrow and then immediately getting hit with 12 presidential hopefuls who will never even make it past primaries is way too much to handle. So, if someone could please just close down the polls until after the holidays, it would really be appreciated.” At press time, the nation added that it would even be fine to push midterms as far back as 2020 because they already knew the current sitting president was just going to get reelected anyways. 
United States Sends Laos Bill For 80 Million Undetonated Bombs Still Left In Country From Vietnam War #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that 50 years has been more than enough time for the democratic republic to repay the sum, the United States sent Laos a bill Monday for the 80 million still-undetonated bombs left in the country from the Vietnam War. “We’ve been patient, but we’re urging you to please settle the balance by Dec. 1 for the numerous free-fall bombs, GBUs, fuel air explosives, shells, and mines still sitting on the Ho Chi Minh Trail,” read the statement titled “Invoice For Secret War In Laos (1964-1973)” in part, providing a detailed breakdown of $1.2 trillion worth of still-active ERWs left behind in the socialist state for which the U.S. government has not been financially compensated. “When we supported the Royal Lao Government with 580,000 bombing missions, we expected to be reimbursed for all unexploded ordnances. It’s only reasonable, or else we wouldn’t have paid to continuously bomb your country for nine years straight in the first place. Frankly, the fact that 34,000 of your men, women, and children have set off American cluster munitions since the war ended without the U.S. government receiving so much as a penny of recompense is unacceptable.” The invoice reportedly ended by insisting that, if Laos fails to act soon, the United States will also be forced to charge the country for the millions of tons of munitions that effectively exploded during the war.
There No Way TV Character Could Actually Afford Big ‘New York City’ Coffee Mug #~# ROCKTON, IL—Expressing frustration at the blatantly unrealistic detail, sources claimed Monday that there was “no way” a fictional TV character could actually afford the huge New York City coffee mug they were seen drinking from several times throughout the show. “The people who made this show clearly have no idea what New York mug prices are actually like these days. I mean, she works in the service industry—how much money do they think she makes?” said local woman Heather Schultz of the spacious and immaculate New York City mug supposedly owned by the 24-year-old character. “I get that not every detail can be 100 percent accurate, but things like this just take me out of the show completely. I mean, I have some friends in New York, and none of their mugs are even close to that big. Even if she inherited the mug from a rich relative, there’s still the cost of maintaining the mug, cleaning the mug, filling it with good coffee—it’s just not possible. Everything in New York is so expensive.” At press time, the exasperated Schultz went on to conclude that the mug “probably wasn’t even real” and had likely been constructed out of plywood.
Report: More Women Choosing To Freeze Their Eggs Until Age When Sudden, Unexplained Mass Infertility Places Society On Verge Of Collapse #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—According to a report published Monday by the University of Michigan, an increasing number of women are now choosing to freeze their eggs until an age when a sudden, unexplained epidemic of mass infertility places society on the verge of collapse. “Our data confirmed that more and more women are choosing to put off having children and instead cryogenically freeze their eggs until the day humanity finds itself on the brink of extinction,” read the report in part, which drew from hundreds of anonymous interviews with women all over the country, many of whom expressed a sense of comfort in knowing that their eggs would remain preserved until the “right moment” when humans can no longer reproduce and civilization is plagued by depopulation. “The current trend is that, rather than trying to get pregnant in their 20s and 30s, many women would prefer to focus on their careers while they still exist and before they are forced to adopt a hunting-and-gathering lifestyle for survival in a barren, dystopian wasteland. For many women, it’s important for them to know that all of humanity is relying on them to keep the species alive before making the commitment to become a mother.” The report also explained that many women are waiting to get married until they can leverage the union into an alliance with the powerful warlord of a post-apocalyptic nomadic tribe.
Democrats Express Certainty They Will Retake The House #~# In a late night interview, House speaker Nancy Pelosi echoed several notable Democrats in stressing near-certainty that her party would retake the House of Representatives in the midterm elections. What do you think?
Conservative Floridian Enjoys Living Under Sharia Law More Than He Thought He Would #~# MACCLENNY, FL—Calling its clearly laid out regulations “surprisingly refreshing,” conservative Floridian man Ernest Moyer told reporters Friday he enjoys living under Sharia Law much more than he thought he would. “I gotta admit, when I said ‘Those damn Arabs are gonna ruin democracy’ I didn’t expect strictly abiding by the words of Muhammed would be so amazing for me,” said the 63-year-old follower of Islam, who, despite once fearing “the rule of that Muslim Obama and his Saudi P.C. militia,” now enjoys submitting his will to the Almighty during daily prayer, almsgiving, and his countless other fiqh rituals. “Sure, I miss drinking beer, but overall—thank Allah—I’m loving it. Praying towards Mecca is great, and eating Halal is pretty awesome if you know how to really prepare it. Plus, there’s these great retributive penal orders like stoning, beheading, and amputating—and I’m not just saying that because apostasy is punishable by death.” Moyer added that in a lot of ways, such as the law’s hostility towards women, gays, and criminals, things have barely even changed.
High School History Textbook Concludes With Little Blurb About Last 40 Years #~# EDISON, NJ—Immediately after dedicating 20 pages to the end of the Vietnam War and its aftermath, 11th-grade social studies textbook The American Vision awkwardly crammed the last 40 years of history into a little blurb titled “Into Our New Millennium.” “They spent a whole chapter on Teddy Roosevelt alone, but now they’re racing through the 1970s and just kind of stuffing Nixon’s resignation, the energy crisis, and the Iranian hostage situation into bullet points,” said student Russell Keener of the single-page spread, which somehow managed to encompass the attempted assassination of President Reagan, Rubik’s cubes, the Tiananmen Square protests, the fall of the Berlin Wall, and the collapse of the Soviet Union. “It felt like we spent forever on the cotton gin, but now we’re just blazing through several decades like they’re nothing. One moment it’s the Lewinsky scandal, and the next we’ve got the first black president? It’s especially jarring when the last page has two thumbnail pictures, one of the Twin Towers falling and the other of a computer with a caption saying ‘The advent of the internet forever changed the way we see the world.’ Huh?” At press time, students reported not being certain how to take the book’s concluding sentence, which asked the question, “And who knows what will happen next?”
Ben And Jerry’s Releases Donald Trump Resistance-Inspired Flavor #~# Ben & Jerry’s is launching a new flavor, Pecan Resist—containing chocolate ice cream with white and dark fudge chunks, pecans, walnuts, and fudge-covered almonds—as part of a $100,000 philanthropic campaign to benefit activist organizations and “lick injustice” worldwide. What do you think?
‘Once They Put Me On Cheeses, I Will Finally Be Happy,’ Says Costco Employee Handing Out Free Vienna Sausage Samples #~# WINCHESTER, VA—Attributing her current apathy to being stuck in the wholesaler’s remote canned goods aisle, Costco employee Tanya Fairbanks quietly remarked Friday that “Once they put me on cheeses, I will finally be happy,” as she handed out free samples of Vienna sausage. “I used to think that if I could just get put on free sample duty all my problems would go away, but once I got sausages I realized that true success is running the cheese station,” said Fairbanks as she stood beside the mostly untouched tray of bite-sized pieces of Libby’s brand Vienna sausages, each set in an individual serving cup and skewered with a toothpick. “Aisle 26 right between housewares and dairy—that’s where the real action is. If I could just get my foot in there and work my way up to running the Hillshire Farm spread, I could finally relax and enjoy everything I’ve worked for. Having a line of smiling customers waiting for you to offer them a selection of aged goudas or extra sharp cheddars has got to feel like a million bucks.” At press time, a dejected Fairbanks confirmed that she was trying to make the best of her stagnating career by accepting a lateral promotion to passing out Nature Valley granola bars.
New Study Finds Reading Comprehension Down Amongst Dumb Fucks Perusing This Headline  #~# YOUR LOCATION—Discovering a complete failure to understand simple English prose that was nothing short of unbelievable, a new study published Friday found reading comprehension is down significantly amongst the dumb fucks reading this right now. “Our data found that exactly zero of the knuckle-dragging dimwits currently reading this article are capable of processing words and deriving meaning from them,” said the study’s lead researcher, Caroline Yates, who described an alarming, across-the-board decline in the ability to comprehend nuance and discern subtext among the drooling rabble of perplexed simpletons casting their empty, glazed-over eyes on this page. “In fact, we found that you probably just had to reread that last sentence because you fucking morons didn’t know that ‘perplexed’ is a synonym for ‘confused.’ So let us spell this out for you: You no read good. You bad at word knowing.” Yates added that the inability of our shit-for-brains readers to mentally grasp these very words would not stop the numbskulls from smashing their keyboards like fucking Neanderthals to post the most asinine, meaningless babble possible in the comments.
New Trump Campaign Ad Claims That Illegal Immigrants Currently Murdering You With Knife #~# WASHINGTON—Drawing the ire of critics who decried the spot as “misleading” and “racially charged,” a new campaign ad released Friday by President Trump claimed that illegal immigrants are currently murdering you with a knife. “Thousands of homicidal MS-13 members have already poured over the Southern border and are at this very moment stabbing you repeatedly in the torso and stomach with a butcher’s knife,” said the ad, which urged voters to use the remainder of their strength to crawl to their nearest polling location before they bled out. “Several arteries have already been punctured, but before these monsters end your suffering they’re dragging your loved ones into the basement to flay them alive in front of you. You’re presently struggling against your restraints, but there’s nothing you can do. Soon you will begin to black out from despair and pain. The last thing you see in your final moments is Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer standing over you, laughing maniacally.” At press time, numerous Trump supporters had praised the ad for finally telling the truth about how they themselves had been killed by immigrants.
Wealthy Americans Assure Populace That Heavily Armed Floating City Being Built Above Nation Has Nothing To Do With Anything #~# HASTINGS, NE—Saying it was definitely not a situation to get worked up about, the nation’s wealthiest residents assured the rest of the American public Friday that the heavily armed city being built in the sky high above the central United States had nothing to do with anything and could just be ignored.
White House Concerned Ryan Zinke Made Land Deal Without Giving Cut To Trump #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming the administration had launched a Justice Department investigation into the U.S. secretary of the interior’s conduct, the White House revealed Friday that it was concerned Ryan Zinke had made a land deal without giving a cut to President Trump. “Mounting evidence indicates that Secretary Zinke may have acted improperly by making money off of a private land development deal without letting President Trump wet his beak,” said White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, confirming that Zinke’s role in the development of a business and retail park near land in Montana that he and his wife own may have run afoul of White House rules for skimming some profits off the top for the president. “At no time did Mr. Zinke inform us about which Trump Organization bank account he would be depositing the president’s kickback into, nor have we received an envelope full of unmarked bills slipped under the Oval Office door. We are extremely disappointed that the secretary would use his office to enrich himself without also enriching the president.” White House officials added that while they were committed to investigating Zinke for potential impropriety, they wanted to reassure Americans that the vast majority of federal employees always followed protocol in giving a cut of the profits from their private-sector hustles to the president.
Midterms 2018: Key Senate Races To Watch #~# There are 35 Senate seats up for reelection in the 2018 midterms, most of which are currently held by Democrats, while the Republicans are trying to hold onto their two-seat majority. The Onion takes a look at the key Senate 2018 races to watch.
Doctor Advises Man With Healthy Blood Pressure To Really Fucking Let It Rip #~# CENTENNIAL, CO—Noting that he typically advises anyone under 120 over 80 to go apeshit, local internist Dr. Alan Thal told patient Matt Richards Friday that his blood pressure read fairly normal, so he should really fucking let it rip. “Well, Mr. Richards, you’re at 118 over 74. That means do whatever the hell you want. Get wasted, start a smoking habit—who gives a shit, just fucking go nuts,” said Thal, adding that he’d like to keep an eye on it, but in the meantime, Richards is going to want to eat as much delicious, salty food as he wants and cut loose. “Blood pressure is measured in terms of systolic and diastolic numbers and, since both of yours are fine, you can stop wasting time exercising and do some real crazy shit. Keep in mind, you’re 51 and not getting any younger, so I strongly suggest going balls-to-the-wall sooner than later.” At press time, Richards had died as a result of hypertension 20 minutes after leaving the doctor’s office.
Angela Merkel To Step Down In 2021 #~# Germany’s Angela Merkel has said she will step down as chancellor and pass off leadership of her center-right party in 2021. What do you think?
Child Venture Capitalist Invests $2.50 In Friend’s Slug-Eating Enterprise #~# BURRILLVILLE, RI—Touting it as an incredible opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a lucrative business endeavor, child venture capitalist Aidan Frost reportedly invested $2.50 Thursday in his friend’s new slug-eating enterprise. “I’m pleased to announce that I’ve agreed to make a more than two-dollar investment in Brian [Keller]’s innovative and promising plan to consume an entire huge, gross slug at recess,” said the 8-year-old angel investor, adding that he also planned to provide Keller with business advice related to the timing and marketing of the slug-eating launch, as well as put him in touch with his network of other jungle gym–based financiers in an effort to secure additional seed funding. “Slug-eating is poised to disrupt the playground, and while it’s definitely a lot of money up front, it’ll more than pay for itself with the amount of attention we should receive, especially if Brian pukes. It’s my hope that we can use Brian’s passion for eating gross stuff to expand this venture into worms or even pennies, or maybe start up an incubator where other entrepreneurs from across Mrs. Horgan’s class can develop ideas for other nasty things to eat.” At press time, the frustrated child venture capitalist acknowledged his failed investment after an investigation into the venture by playground supervisor Mr. Cunningham, who took away the slug and sent them both inside for the rest of recess.
Brian Kemp Campaign Energized After Seeing Early Voter Suppression Numbers #~# ATHENS, GA—Saying that the data heralded a promising outcome for election day, representatives from Brian Kemp’s gubernatorial campaign were reportedly energized Thursday after perusing early voter suppression numbers. “It’s very exciting to see that with five days to go before the election, thousands of Georgians have already unsuccessfully attempted to cast their ballots,” said communications director Ryan Mahoney, noting that while these figures were not entirely predictive, they indicated a strong likelihood that the number of minority voters turned away at polling places would be extremely high on Nov. 6. “We still have our work cut out for us, obviously, but the more people who are prevented from casting mail-in or provisional ballots ahead of time, the more resources we can expend towards keeping down the vote next week. So far, our expectations have been wildly exceeded, and if these trends continue, we may be seeing suppression levels that haven’t been reached since the 1950s.” Mahoney also urged Republican voters in urban areas to assist the campaign by making a plan to intimidate their friends and neighbors this upcoming Tuesday.
FiveThirtyEight Staff Finds Hundreds Of Nate Silvers Representing Every Voting Demographic In America After Disastrous Aggregator Explosion #~# NEW YORK—Embodying every potential voter from a 75-year-old Latina grandmother of 12 to a Generation Z high school senior living in the Atlanta exurbs, hundreds of Nate Silvers representing every voting demographic in America ran rampant through the FiveThirtyEight.com offices Thursday following a disastrous explosion of the website’s powerful aggregator. “This place is a total wreck—there’s a diverse throng of Nate Silvers milling around everywhere,” said FiveThirtyEight analyst Brenda Johnson of the mumbling swarm of multi-cultural data journalists roaming the open-plan office in search of the ideal candidate to fit their demographic trends. “Each of them, whether black, white, Sikh, or Evangelical, is claiming to be—or at least represent—the actual Nate Silver. About an hour ago, the arguments started, and tensions are mounting, particularly between young hispanic, older Asian-American, and millennial gender-non-conforming Nates. The situation is rapidly deteriorating, but we expect new polling by tomorrow afternoon.” FiveThirtyEight has announced they will expand their “Deluxe” midterm model to accommodate the expert ratings of 140 carefully selected Nate Silvers.
HR Director Doesn’t Know What It Is About Her That Makes People Want To Unload All Their Problems #~# NEW YORK—Expressing frustration after yet another company employee visited her office with an issue, human resources director Sally Kent told reporters Thursday that she doesn’t know what exactly it is about her that makes people want to unload all their problems. “I have absolutely no idea why they all want to lay their troubles down on my doorstep,” said Kent, explaining that ever since she started with the company over a year ago, her coworkers have been coming to her office with every boss-, coworker-, and salary-related conflict they have. “I listen to them, of course, but in the back of my head I’m thinking, ‘Why the hell are you telling me this?’ Am I too nice? Do I have the kind of face that says ‘Tell me what your issue with payroll is?’ Some of their problems sound really serious, and they should go to someone who can help them, not me.” At press time, Kent was unavailable to answer any further questions due to a new “Do Not Disturb” sign placed prominently on her office door.
Poll Finds 2018 Midterms Resting On Critical Swing Group Of People Who Showed Up Looking For Community Center Pottery Class #~# WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—Noting that the notoriously hard-to-predict voting bloc will be critical to success on election day, a Monmouth University poll released Thursday found that the 2018 midterms will likely be decided by Americans who arrive at the community center looking for a pottery class. “Data from past elections clearly indicate that approximately 25 percent of midterm voters initially show up at elementary schools, churches, or community centers in order to participate in adult education classes,” said lead researcher Matthew Ellis, noting that these voters generally trend older, are more likely to be financially secure, and share a moderate to serious interest in expanding their wheel throwing skills. “The balance of power in the House, and perhaps the Senate, will likely come down to how many people arrive at their polling place looking for real-world answers about glazing techniques. These are voters who want to know: Is my instructor sick? Why is the gym full of folding tables? Am I going to be able to make my coffee mug next week? Whichever party can give them the answers they need is going to have a really great night.” Ellis acknowledged that turnout among the notoriously unpredictable prenatal yoga demographic would be election night’s biggest question mark.
Jesus Announces Plans To Return Once The Dow Clears 27,000 #~# THE HEAVENS—Urging Christians nationwide to “Buy! Buy! Buy!” on Thursday, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, announced that He will come again to judge the living and the dead once the Dow clears 27,000. “Listen, my children, and I will tell you—when the NYSE closing bell rings out and the Dow Jones Industrial Average soars above 27,000 points, I will return to strike down the wicked and reign over the righteous forevermore,” said Our Lord and Savior, adding that only increased consumer confidence and low interest rates could hasten His glorious Second Coming. “Rejoice, stockholders, for the kingdom of God is at hand, assuming this upward trend continues. Repent and believe in the gospel of the bull market.” At press time, the Prince of Peace and Everlasting Counselor was scrambling to sell after the Dow had plunged 500 points.
Original Voice Of NBA Buzzer Passes Away #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—After a lifetime spent defining the sound of basketball in America, Roman Sullivan, the original voice of the NBA buzzer, passed away at the age of 83, sources confirmed Thursday. “Today, we mourn a longtime member of the NBA family. You always knew it was either the half or end of a game when you heard Mr. Sullivan’s deafening scream echo across the arena,” said commissioner Adam Silver of the NBA legend, who was employed as the live buzzer at Minneapolis Lakers games before recording the low, continuous humming in 1962 for use in arenas across the country. “Today’s generation of buzzer voices grew up imitating and wanting to be Mr. Sullivan, you can still hear his influence every time a quarter ends. Whether it was during Michael Jordan’s iconic game winner in 1993, or countless other buzzer-beaters, Roman’s voice is etched in NBA history.” Silver also apologized for the NBA relying on Sullivan for decades but only paying $150 for use of his iconic voice.
Boston Gangster Whitey Bulger Killed In West Virginia Prison #~# James “Whitey” Bulger, the notorious former Boston mob boss, was killed Tuesday morning at a West Virginia prison after serving 7 years of his life sentence. What do you think?
Kotex Introduces New Confetti Popper Tampons For Ringing In The New Year #~# IRVING, TX—Calling the feminine hygiene product the perfect way to usher in 2019 with comfort and style, Kotex introduced their new line of Confetti Popper Tampons Friday to help ring in the new year. “When the clock strikes midnight, simply pull the string on one of our sleek, slim Confetti Popper tampons to join the festivities without worrying about what level of flow the new year might bring,” said Kotex CEO Thomas J. Falk, explaining that a charge of compressed air inside the tampon launches a colorful and highly-absorbent blend of streamers and confetti into the user’s body. “With comfortable insertion and a festive noisemaker removal, there’s no better way to tell the world, ‘2019, here I come!’” At press time, Kotex had issued a recall of the product after hundreds of complaints of toxic shock syndrome caused by the tampon’s glittery “Happy New Year!” banner accidentally unfolding while still inside their bodies.
Joe Buck Tears Rotator Cuff After Awkward Throw Down To Sideline #~# DALLAS—Grimacing and clutching at his shoulder, Fox NFL announcer Joe Buck tore his rotator cuff after an awkward throw down to the sideline during the second quarter of the Buccaneers vs. Cowboys game. “You hate to see an announcer go down like that. Especially on such a routine throw down to Erin to check the field conditions. He’s made that throw a thousand times,” said commentator Troy Aikman, adding that Buck went down hard after stumbling over the first few words of the sentence and was still on the ground writhing in pain after the update was over. “You could see something was wrong the second the words left his mouth, it just didn’t look right. He twisted awkwardly as he said ‘on the sideline’ and then this shock of pain crossed his face. This isn’t as bad as when I saw Al Michaels tear his ACL on a touchdown call, but there is no way Joe is going to be announcing for at least a month.” At press time, Aikman was being treated for a concussion after attempting to analyze the play call on a third-down conversion.
NFL Defends Right To Subject Eric Reid To Random Stop-And-Frisks #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Categorically denying allegations that the tactic was unconstitutional and unfairly targeted players who protested the national anthem, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell released a statement Sunday defending the NFL’s right to subject Panthers safety Eric Reid to random stop-and-frisk searches. “We’re simply trying to keep the game clean and provide a safe environment that benefits all our players. In this case, we received an anonymous tip about a suspicious-looking individual with a mask obscuring his face acting aggressively towards our players and decided to inform the proper authorities,” said Goodell at a press conference in which he advised Reid against loitering at the line of scrimmage or other sensitive areas to avoid similar incidents moving forward. “He was described holding an unidentified object in his hands, a description which prompted officials to detain Mr Reid and perform a thorough strip-search. We were all relieved to discover it was just a football, this time, but no single player is above the code of conduct.” Reid and 11 of his teammates are currently being held for questioning on suspicion of gang-related activity after eyewitnesses observed them wearing clothes bearing the same colors and threatening logo.
Charity Notes Even One Dollar Can Help A Needy Child But You’d Have To Be A Dick To Give That Little #~# LONDON—Noting that making a difference would cost less than a single cup of coffee, the Against Malaria Foundation released an advertising campaign Friday stressing that even one dollar could help a needy child, but you’d have to be a complete fucking dick to give that little. “For just one dollar out of your paycheck, you could help make sure no child has to experience this horrible disease, although what kind of a callous prick would you be to send us one measly buck?” said the commercial’s voiceover, explaining that any contribution was appreciated in this season of giving, but, that you would need to be a real heartless fuck of a Scrooge to look at how fortunate you are this Christmas and how little these children have and decide one-hundred pennies was the most you could possibly spare. “Every cent counts, of course. Then again—Seriously, a dollar? A single fucking dollar? You’re a despicable son of a bitch. What kind of goddamn monster would think that was sufficient?” The advertisement also stressed that for just $3,742 you could help these disadvantaged children and still look yourself in the mirror the next day.
Apple Will Build $1 Billion Campus In Austin, Adding 5,000 Jobs #~# Apple plans to employ 5,000 new workers at a new campus one miles from downtown Austin, TX, which will eventually have room to accommodate up to 15,000 workers. What do you think? 
Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the resignation of James Mattis as Secretary of Defense marked the ouster of the third top administration official in less than three weeks, a worried populace told reporters Friday that it was unsure how many former Trump staffers it could safely reabsorb. “Jesus, we can’t just take back these assholes all at once—we need time to process one before we get the next,” said 53-year-old Gregory Birch of Naperville, IL echoing the concerns of 323 million Americans in also noting that the country was only now truly beginning to reintegrate former national security advisor Michael Flynn. “This is just not sustainable. I’d say we can handle maybe one or two more former members of Trump’s inner circle over the remainder of the year, but that’s it. This country has its limits.” The U.S. populace confirmed that they could not handle all of these pieces of shit trying to rejoin society at once.
Nation’s Panicked, Blood-Covered Citizens Demand You Give Them Just One Goddamn Second To Think #~# WASHINGTON—Pacing frantically back and forth, wiping flecks of gore from their faces, and muttering that they could get everything under control if they just had more time, the panicked and blood-drenched citizens of the United States barked at everyone in their immediate vicinity Friday, demanding just one goddamn second to think. “Shut up, shut up, shut up! We just need a minute to figure everything out, okay?” said viscera-splattered spokesperson Luke Knauss, staring intently but impotently at the warm blood dripping from his hands before grabbing his friend’s cell phone and smashing it on the ground in case it could be traced. “Okay, okay, that bought us a couple minutes. Oh God, fuck, alright. We can fix this. We can fix this. Everything will be fine as long as we move quick, think smart, and come up with a plan. Fuck, everything is happening too fast!” At press time, America’s blood-drenched citizens had managed to find an abandoned but running police SUV, cram their kids in the back, and tell them not to look no matter what they heard before driving off down a backcountry road with their headlights doused in search of a secluded ravine.
Pros And Cons Of Making New Year’s Resolutions #~# While New Year’s resolutions are popular, studies show that the majority of them are never achieved, making whether to tie personal goals to the beginning of a new year a matter of debate. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of making New Year’s resolutions.
Exhausted Robert Mueller Turns Off Phone To Give Himself Breather From Russia Probe News Over Holiday Break #~# WASHINGTON—Desperate to unwind after months of nonstop work investigating Russian influence in the 2016 election, visibly exhausted Special Counsel Robert Mueller powered his phone down Friday in order to give himself a break from any news concerning the probe over the holiday break. “The last thing I want when I’m spending time with my family is a cascade of push notifications telling me yet another Russian oligarch, political operative, or highly placed socialite used Deutsche Bank channels to funnel money to the campaign,” said the former FBI director, firmly holding down his phone’s power button and adding that he wants to be “completely present in the moment” while celebrating with his loved ones, not ruminating about who met with which diplomat or whether someone was using social media to tamper with his witnesses. “I just want to have two calm weeks where I don’t even think about Individual One. I won’t even say his name. I’ll have to wait to hear about any important developments in January, since I just know the second I read, say, something about Eric being involved more deeply than we previously suspected, I’ll get pulled back in and ruin my whole vacation.” At press time, Mueller had reactivated his phone just to check the news real quick. 
Man Watches Helplessly As White Elephant Exchange Completely Devolves Into Friends Just Chatting And Having Nice Time #~# CHICAGO—Staring wide-eyed at the table full of unopened presents being largely ignored by guests, local man Rick Joseph reportedly watched helplessly Friday as the White Elephant exchange completely devolved into friends just chatting and having a nice time. “Christ, it should have been my turn to pick a gift over an hour ago, but we keep getting derailed by everyone blabbing on and on about what they’re doing for fucking Christmas,” said Joseph, who was forced to listen to friends engaged in pleasant conversations about family traditions, favorite holiday recipes, and beloved childhood memories of the festive season. “Ugh, this is a goddamn disaster. These chumps should be strategizing about which person they’re going to screw over to get the best present, but instead they’re wasting this time trying to bond. No one is even fighting. This is the last time I invite people over for a holiday party.” Joseph confirmed that the evening turned into an utter nightmare after his friends began singing their favorite Christmas carols.
Bose Releases New Headphones Specifically Optimized For Listening To Whitney Houston’s ‘How Will I Know?’ #~# FRAMINGHAM, MA—Calling the product the must-have item for true music connoisseurs, Bose officials announced Friday the release of the new W85 headphones that are specifically optimized for listening to Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know.” “We’re proud to introduce the W85 as the next generation in Whitney optimization,” said spokesperson Kathleen Campbell, touting the new headphones’ variety of customized features designed to enhance listener experience of the highs, lows, and key changes of the 1985 chart-topping hit. “With these new headphones, listeners can be sure they’re receiving the premiere ‘How Will I Know’ experience, from the song’s opening beats all the way to its iconic tenor saxophone solo—not to mention the smooth, powerful voice of Houston herself. The upbeat anthem of young love even comes preloaded onto the headphones on a six-hour loop, so there’s nothing to plug in or download. You’ll never listen to ‘How Will I Know’ the same way again.” Bose also teased the upcoming release of a new $4,000 home entertainment system optimized for “How Will I Know.”
Poll: Most Americans Oppose Increased Political Correctness #~# In a finding that crossed racial, educational, and demographic lines, a new NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll found most Americans are against the country becoming more politically correct, including a majority of independent voters. What do you think?
Radiohead, Janet Jackson Inducted Into Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame #~# The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame will induct a 2019 class including Radiohead, Janet Jackson, Stevie Nicks, The Cure, The Zombies, and several others. What do you think?
Mental Health Experts Say Friends Giving Away Possessions Could Be Warning Sign They Planning On Moving #~# BOSTON—In an effort to educate Americans on the common warning signs, mental health experts at Boston University issued a report Thursday noting that friends giving away their possessions was often a red flag that they’re planning on moving. “If you have a friend who has attempted to pass off objects like a bulky bookshelf or rickety night stand, it could suggest that the person may be headed in the direction of signing a new lease,” said lead researcher Sandra Maiworm, urging Americans to keep an eye out for loved ones suddenly trying to part with their coffee maker or blender, or making seemingly innocuous comments about being unable to attend any block parties after the end of the month. “Once a person reaches the stage where they’re giving away personal items, it suggests that they’re pretty far along in the process. They’ve probably been feeling for months like they just can’t take their landlord anymore, and it’s distinctly possible that they have already researched online about the most painless and effective ways to hire movers. Please, talk to them and find out what’s going on in their life so you don’t knock on the door of their apartment one day and find out they’re already gone.” Maiworm added that direct communication was key despite many people’s reluctance to broach the subject out of fear that it might lead their friend to ask for help moving their couch.
Emotional El Chapo Reunited With Family Following Passage Of Criminal Justice Reform Bill  #~# NEW YORK—Growing visibly emotional as he expressed gratitude to legislators for their boldness and compassion, Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzmán reunited with his family Thursday following the passage of the First Act criminal justice reform bill. “It’s been a long road to release, but I’m ready to put my incarceration behind me and re-enter society thanks to the bipartisan efforts to pass this long-overdue overhaul of America’s justice system,” said the former leader of the Sinaloa drug cartel as he embraced his wife and children, his voice breaking as he personally thanked President Trump for signing the bill that had resulted in an end to his trial for murder, drug trafficking, and organized crime and allowed for his immediate release from prison. “To know that America is a merciful nation—one willing to give people like me a second chance—fills my heart with so much hope for the future. I will never forget this. Thank you. Thank you all.”  At press time, Guzman had departed after telling reporters that he was ready to get back to his regular life and order the murders of many, many people who had crossed him.
Federal Reserve Cites Healthy Economy In Decision To Have Baby #~# WASHINGTON—Noting the robust financial backdrop and expectations for sustained growth, the Federal Reserve released a report Thursday citing the healthy economy in its decision to have a baby. “After lengthy discussions to address lingering concerns among board members about trends in the broader macroeconomy, I’m overjoyed to announce the Fed’s plans to join together and raise a child,” said Chairman Jerome Powell, explaining that even with significant headwinds in the global market, the central banking organization had unanimously agreed that the “time felt right” to procreate, adding that the child’s name would likely be Oliver or Olivia and would be reared by all five of the nation’s central bankers. “Of course, there’s no perfect moment to have a kid—the softening market, for example, looms large in our forecasts about the child’s future. But when you factor in the unemployment rate dipping below 4 percent, we really think we finally have our shit together to start a family. In fact, the rest of the Board of Governors and I already started trying last night.” At press time, increased volatility in U.S.–China trade relations had prompted Powell to regretfully announce plans to get a cat instead.
Man Methodically Explains Origin Behind Every Poster Hanging In Apartment #~# CHICAGO—Detailing the extensive backstories of the wall hangings and how he came to acquire them, local man Richard Minhas was methodically explaining Thursday the origin of every poster hanging in his apartment. “This one over here is a print of a Japanese woodblock I got from the Philadelphia Museum of Art, and then the one right next to it is a vintage Tylenol advertisement I picked up at a garage sale,” said Minhas, ushering his guest around the 750-square-foot space, stopping by the placards, which included an old-timey map of Arizona and a reproduction of a 1977 Fleetwood Mac tour poster, to elucidate their content as well as his personal connection to the pieces. “I really like this French movie The Wages Of Fear, so I placed it next to this other poster for Bicycle Thieves, since they’re both movies. As for these ones in the kitchen, this is a taxonomic chart cataloguing a bunch of varieties of mushrooms, this one is the same thing but with spices, this one is a diagram of a cow showing all the cuts of beef, and then this is an old sign advertising fresh tomatoes I got at a farmers market.” After he finished explaining all the posters, Minhas reportedly expounded on every keepsake on his bookshelf. 
Relationship Experts Say Healthy Couples Should Be Renewing Their Vows 3 Times A Week #~# NEW YORK—Claiming that the continued strength of a marriage was dependent on incorporating the ritual into their routine, relationship experts told reporters Thursday that healthy couples should be renewing their vows at least three times a week. “It might feel a bit rote to have these frequent, scheduled events, but reaffirming your commitment to one another in a beautiful ceremony before all your friends and family every few days can really help to keep your marriage fresh and healthy,” said relationship coach Felicia Zink, noting that spouses who still love each other can keep the magic alive by sending out invitations to guests, renting a venue, and lighting a unity candle together before exchanging rings every other day. “It doesn’t have to be a whole big thing every time. It could be 10 minutes with an officiant over dinner or an entire 45-minute ceremony with a reception following, whatever you have time for. What’s important is to switch it up every now and then by, let’s say, exchanging vows to one another on a beach Tuesday and then doing low-key nuptials with a simple sand ceremony at home on Thursday.” Zink added that not taking a honeymoon together at least once a month could be a real sign of trouble in a relationship.
Ho, Ho, Ho! Send Me $100 Billion By Christmas Or I Will Detonate A Dirty Bomb In 5 Major Cities! #~# Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! My, my, it seems the Christmas season comes a bit earlier each year, doesn’t it? Yes, it certainly does. And with the hours ticking away until we make the Yuletide gay, jolly old Saint Nick has a very important message for all his boys and girls.
Voyeur Researchers Recommend At Least 7 Hours Of Watching Someone Sleep Per Night #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that their subjects felt healthier, more energetic, and oh, so satisfied the next morning, voyeur researchers at the University of Michigan recommended Thursday that the average adult spend at least seven hours each night watching another person sleep. “Based on our findings, anyone over the age of 18 should make an effort to spend a minimum of two REM cycles silently standing over a stranger who is beautiful and helpless, yet just out of reach,” said lead researcher Jasmine Alvarez, adding that the fewer interruptions that occurred while breaking into their house, perching over their bed, and watching them sleep, the better. “While it might not be possible every night, you should definitely get close to their face, no more than six to eight inches away, as often as possible. This way, you’ll be able to feel their rejuvenating breath as you gaze at their stomachs slowly rising and falling. In addition, we found that such behavior is especially beneficial if the person is perfect—so, so perfect. Oh, yeah, baby. Yeah.” Alvarez also suggested that individuals adhere to a consistent morning routine by placing a gentle, almost imperceptible kiss on the sleeping person’s forehead just before dawn. 
Gun Deaths In U.S. At 40-Year High #~# A new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed gun deaths in the U.S. reaching a record high, with such fatalities increasing by 10,000 from 1999 levels to 39,773 people in 2017. What do you think?
Winner Of ‘The Voice’ Excited To Use $50 Chili’s Gift Card #~# LOS ANGELES—Fresh off her victory in last night’s finale of The Voice, 16-year-old country singer Chevel Shepherd told reporters Wednesday she was excited to use the $50 Chili’s gift card she received for winning the televised singing competition. “After all those months of hard work, to win 50 bucks to spend on anything I want at Chili’s—it’s truly a dream come true!” said Shepherd, revealing that she planned to select items from the casual dining chain’s three-for-$10 menu in order to make the most of her winnings. “There were definitely moments during the competition when I didn’t know if I truly had what it takes to win. But my coach, Kelly [Clarkson], just encouraged me to visualize myself walking off the stage with that gift card in my hand, and that’s what kept me going. I’ll definitely be treating her to some Southwestern egg rolls or Cajun chicken pasta! I am very blessed.” Shepherd added that she was proud of the other three finalists, who each received a coupon for half-off any entrée from Chili’s, and suggested maybe they could all go out to celebrate together sometime.
Merriam-Webster Names ‘Justice’ Word Of The Year #~# Merriam-Webster named “justice” the Word Of The Year for 2018, explaining that “the concept of justice was at the center of many of our national debates in the past year: Racial justice, social justice, criminal justice, economic justice.” What do you think?
Man Spends Long Day At Work Waiting To Go Home And Be Lonely #~# BALTIMORE—Sighing in exasperation and repeatedly checking the clock as he completed a number of menial tasks, area man Alan Stover confirmed Wednesday he had spent a long day at work waiting until he could finally go home and be lonely. “It’s so annoying having to be here in the office doing all this tedious paperwork when I could be sitting there all alone in my empty apartment,” said Stover, telling reporters he was “counting down the minutes” until he could at long last go home, stretch out on the sofa, and just feel hollow inside for the rest of the evening. “By the time I get out of the afternoon meeting and finish all these spreadsheets, I’ll be lucky if I can still putter around my apartment, eat leftover takeout in front of the microwave, vacantly scroll through Netflix, blearily mutter ‘time for bed’ to myself, and fall asleep before I have to start the whole thing over again tomorrow. God, it feels like five o’clock will never come.” At press time, Stover was reportedly frustrated after his evening plans were ruined by a text inviting him to a bar for a friend’s birthday.
Raiders Announce Plan To Play 2019 Home Games In Jon Gruden’s Backyard #~# OAKLAND, CA—Quashing rumors that the team was looking to make an early exit for Las Vegas, the Oakland Raiders announced plans Wednesday to play the entirety of their 2019 home schedule in Head Coach Jon Gruden’s backyard. “This is really the perfect venue for this this team—in fact, I think playing in my yard will provide a unique home field advantage like nowhere else in the league,” said Gruden, adding that the proposed half-acre plot nestled in the Bay Area suburbs boasted a beautiful natural surface and enough improvised seating to accommodate dozens of hardcore Raiders faithful. “Make no mistake, this place is going to be rocking. I mean, I can’t wait to see Derek Carr out there delivering touchdown strikes from way up there on the deck. Plus, fans are just going to love the new amenities. We’ve made some room for the the Black Hole over there by the garbage cans. We’ve got 3.5 bathrooms and a crockpot full of chili in the house. Seriously, I don’t think there’s a better way to spend a Sunday.” At press time, several Raiders players admitted that despite the treacherous clothesline and exposed tree roots, playing in Coach Gruden’s backyard was still far preferable to games on a “goddamn baseball field.”
Firefighter Excitedly Checks Drop-Off Bin To See If They Got Any Babies While They Were Out #~# SAINT PAUL, MN—Saying that he had “a really good feeling about today,” excited firefighter Pat Morales, 37, took the first opportunity he had on his Wednesday shift to check his fire station’s drop-off bin for any unwanted babies that may have come in while the crew was away. “Every time I come to work, I try to be the first one to the bin to check for babies—it’s really the best part of my day,” a grinning Morales told reporters as he gleefully unlocked the climate-controlled box outside of Saint Paul Fire Station 19 and felt around the padded interior, being careful to check to see if any infants were clogging the chute or had perhaps become stuck in the slot. “It just makes you feel special when you come back from a hard day of fighting fires and there’s a fresh baby warming up in the drop box. Even if we’ve only been out for an hour, I always check the bin when we get back. You never know!” According to his coworkers, Morales is always the first to volunteer every year to decorate the newly donated babies for the holidays.
The Trump Presidency In 2018 #~# Nearly halfway through his presidential term, Donald Trump has continued to exist in a perpetual state of controversy, and 2018 provided no shortage of outrageous moments. The Onion looks back at the most significant events in the Trump presidency in 2018.
Ecstatic Pope Francis Finally Lands Role As Mary In St. Peter’s Christmas Pageant #~# VATICAN CITY—Excitedly catching a glimpse of his name atop the cast list posted outside the Apostolic Palace, an ecstatic Pope Francis told reporters Wednesday that he had finally landed the role of a lifetime playing Mary in the annual St. Peter’s Christmas Pageant. “Oh my God, Mary—I got Mary!” said a visibly emotional Francis, immediately declaring that the casting decision was the result of years of hard work “in the trenches” playing bits parts in the pageant while practicing the manger scene alone in his papal apartment. “I never gave up. Not even when I had a non-speaking role as a wise man for three years running. Oh man, Mary! I can’t wait to play the lead opposite Archbishop Salón as Joseph. He’s such a pro. I’m sorry—I’m just gushing here. Benedict’s going to freak out when I tell him.” At press time, Pope Francis announced plans to cancel all papal duties for the rest of the year and isolate himself in his chambers in order to fully invest himself in the role.
Sea Of Hair Engulfs Nation After Bosley Physicians Lose Control Of Restoration #~# BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Millions of terrified Americans were fleeing their homes in an attempt to outrun the towering tidal waves of thick brunette hair that began flowing across the nation Wednesday when Bosley hair restoration technicians lost control of what was supposed to be a routine medical procedure. “Pass me the follicular retractor, would you, nurse? We seem to have an anomalous hirsute overgrowth here. Nurse? Oh...oh, God! It’s got Nurse Baker! Lock the lab down, now! If anyone can hear me, Mr. Richards’ hairline has reversed receding at an exponential rate and is now spiraling out of control. The cowlicks, the whorls, the tufts—they’re everywhere!” veteran Bosley hair restoration surgeon Dr. Michael Pittz can be heard to say on fragmented operating room footage recorded seconds before he and his entire team of restoration specialists were crushed by runaway dark-brown locks. The restored hair, which normally grows to satisfactory thickness over the course four to six weeks, flooded the operating room before enveloping all of Los Angeles within 20 minutes then shaking itself out luxuriantly up and down the west coast, sweeping its shimmering locks across America’s heartland, and finally making a thick, glossy wasteland of the Appalachian mountain region. At press time, Bosley technicians were injecting Richards’ continent-spanning hair with DHT hormones that cause male pattern baldness, though it was too early to tell if this last-ditch measure would be enough to save the remaining Americans from the swells of enviable, natural-looking hair.
Kotex Tampons Recalled After Reports Of Pieces Left In Bodies #~# Kimberly-Clark is recalling U by Kotex Sleek regular absorbency tampons after reports of the tampons unraveling or coming apart upon removal, which caused some users to seek medical attention. What do you think?
Chuck Schumer Insists Democrats Won’t Budge On Wall #~# Chuck Schumer declared this week that Democrats will not provide any more funding for a border wall, noting that he and fellow Democrats are willing to wait until they have a House majority to help push forward their interests. What do you think?
Les Moonves Doesn’t Know How He Going To Tell Wife He Didn’t Get $120 Million Bonus  #~# NEW YORK—Saying the news would come as a big disappointment to her, former CBS chairman and CEO Les Moonves confided to reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain how to tell his wife Julie Chen he didn’t get the $120 million bonus he had been expecting from the company. “She’s going to be so upset with me when she finds out,” said Moonves, adding that he could put off breaking it to Chen for a little while, but that eventually she would wonder what had happened to the nine-figure sum he had promised her he would be receiving upon his exit from CBS. “Julie was so excited when I told her about the big bonus I’d be getting this year. She even left her job at The Talk because I made it sound like a sure thing. Gosh, what if she’s already spent some of it?” At press time, Moonves was reportedly worried that his wife had begun to suspect something was up after he canceled the big vacation they’d been looking forward to.
Radio Station Playing Controversial ‘Little Drummer Boy’ On Repeat In Defiance Of Those Who Claim It Contains Sexually Predatory Themes #~# LEXINGTON, KY—Pushing back against what they view as political correctness run amok, DJs at local radio station 104.5 “The Cat” were defiantly playing “The Little Drummer Boy” on repeat Tuesday despite claims that the Christmas standard contains sexually predatory themes. “This is a classic song, and the manufactured outrage surrounding it won’t frighten us into taking it off the air,” said Director of Programming Darren Boccia, telling reporters that he rejected the modern interpretation of a hidden, coercive meaning behind lyrics like “Come they told me” and “Pa rum pum pum pum.” “I grew up singing this song, my kids grew up singing it, and we’re not going to stop playing it because a few people with dirty minds have constructed some perverse narrative about the ox and ram keeping time that no one was thinking about when the song was written in the 1940s. We’ll be playing ‘The Little Drummer Boy’ 24/7 until Christmas, and if people don’t like it, they can switch to a different station.” Boccia added that the station would continue its years-long practice of refusing to play “Silver Bells” due to the song being an obvious affront to Christ.
Entirety Of Browns Dawg Pound Euthanized Following Rabies Outbreak #~# CLEVELAND—Claiming it was the most humane way to deal with their suffering fans, the Cleveland Browns announced Tuesday that they had euthanized the entirety of the Dawg Pound following a rabies outbreak. “They were a part of our Browns family, and we’re heartbroken over cutting their lives short, but putting them down was the only option,” said team owner Jimmy Haslam, who revealed the Browns’ concern was piqued after several members of the Dawg Pound began chewing on plastic seats and salivating uncontrollably, but that by the time the outbreak was discovered it was too late for any cure to be administered. “We have to put the safety of our fans first. The Dawg Pound may have still seemed fun and approachable, but many were getting aggressive, and it was only a matter of time before they bit someone. It may seem cruel, but their quality of life was never going to be the same—they were battling constant seizures, and the hydrophobia resulting from the rabies was making it impossible for them to drink beer.” Haslam, who emphasized the sadness of the mercy killing, assured fans that they could take comfort in knowing the Dawg Pound would never have to suffer through another Browns’ game again.
Social Media Overtakes Newspapers As Source Of News #~# A new Pew study found that for the first time, more Americans get their news from social media than newspapers. What do you think?
Man Finally Able To Forgive Self For Terrible Mistake He Made 2 Seconds Ago #~# SPOKANE, WA—Declaring his willingness to put the whole phase of his life behind him once and for all, 28-year-old man Neil Donovan confirmed Tuesday that he had finally found it in himself to forgive himself for a terrible mistake he made two seconds ago. “This has been an albatross around my neck for what sometimes seems like several seconds, but I think it’s time that I finally accept myself for what I’ve grown into and move on,” said Donovan, adding that he was looking forward to starting his life’s next chapter unencumbered by the relentless guilt and self-loathing that consumed every waking moment of his past two seconds. “Honestly, letting go lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. It took real soul searching, painful admissions about who I really was back then, and, ultimately, personal growth and maturation for me to realize that I can’t keep living in my immediate past. Eventually, I was granted a fresh perspective, and I came to accept that there will be a time, perhaps 10 seconds from now, when I won’t even remember that any of this happened.” Donovan also admitted he still does not understand how his wife could bear the emotional strain of living with grudges stemming from something he did over 14 seconds ago.
KFC Blames Popeyes For Releasing Serial Rapist From Prison In New Attack Ad Campaign #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Referring to the fast food restaurant chain as a revolving door for perverts and sexual deviants, Kentucky Fried Chicken released a new attack ad Tuesday blaming Popeyes for the release of a convicted serial rapist from prison. “Next time you eat the 16-piece Bonafide Family Meal, remember that Popeyes wants serial rapists to have weekend passes so they can roam the streets and terrorize our women and children,” said an unsmiling Colonel Sanders somberly to the camera in a nationally televised commercial spot that went on to roll color-inverted footage of child molesters walking single-file out of a penitentiary and into a Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen whose restaurant sign reads “Felons Eat 10% Off.” “If Popeyes really cares for the well-being of American citizens, then why haven’t we seen a hard stance from them on mandatory sentences for perpetrators of sexual violence? KFC, on the other hand, was founded on a vision of finger lickin’ good chicken and putting violent rapists behind bars where they belong.” The ad reportedly concluded by telling viewers about KFC’s new $10 Chicken Share. 
Maria Butina Pleads Guilty To Russian Scheme To Influence Conservatives #~# In a deal with federal prosecutors, Maria Butina pleaded guilty to conspiring to act as a foreign agent as part of a broader effort to incline notable members of the NRA and other conservatives towards Russia. What do you think?
Ryan Zinke Apologizes For Misuse Of Government Funds By Sending Ethics Committee $160,000 Vase #~# WASHINGTON—Attempting to make amends for gross abuses of power during his time as Interior Department Secretary, an unusually contrite Ryan Zinke apologized Monday for misusing government funds by sending the members of the ethics committee a $160,000 vase. “I know this doesn’t change anything about how I exploited my cabinet position, but I hope you will accept this beautiful example of Qing dynasty porcelain as a small token of my regret,” said Zinke, acknowledging that while no gift could make up for the time he spent $139,000 of taxpayer money to renovate his office doors, he hoped the committee would consider the vase as a sincere gesture of apology. “I was wrong to take advantage of my position, and I hope the lustrous glazing and firing evident in this piece will move you to forgive me for my all-too-human failings. Please don’t remember me as the man who used government funds on security detail for my family while we were on vacation in Turkey, or as the man who violated the Hatch Act and acted as a pawn for the oil and gas industry. Rather, when your eyes happen to fall on this unique example of kaolin clay-work, I hope you will remember me as the man who bought each of you the 2019 Mercedes Benz S560 sedans you’ll find in the parking lot when you leave today.” Zinke further plans to apologize in person to each committee member by visiting them at their homes using a government helicopter.
Trump Administration Launches Human Rights Investigation Into Senate’s Harsh Treatment Of Mohammad Bin Salman #~# WASHINGTON—Decrying the Senate’s resolution blaming the crown prince for the brutal torture and murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi as “a cruel, inhumane, and unprecedented interference into a sovereign kingdom’s internal affairs,” the Trump administration launched a human rights investigation Monday into the Senate’s harsh treatment of Saudi ruler Mohammad bin Salman. “We are looking into the deeply troubling accusations that the United States Senate has chosen to willfully and knowingly place fault for the murder of a dissident journalist on a Saudi crown prince,” said the president, claiming that no despot should be made to endure such inhumane treatment as the loss of military funding for an ongoing war in Yemen that has left millions homeless and starving, no matter whose dismemberment they may have ordered. “Facing criticism like this on the international stage is, for a powerful leader such as bin Salman, basically torture, and we take this kind of mistreatment very seriously. This is not how Americans treat authoritarian regimes that purchase our weapons. Without billions of dollars in military aid, how is the Saudi regime supposed to maintain its basic standard of living?” The Trump administration is expected to charge all American senators with crimes against humanity for their role in holding the Saudi regime responsible for its actions.
Everything Reminds Man Of ‘Her’ #~# GENEVA, IL—Admitting that he thought he would have moved on by now, 28-year-old marketing analyst Garrett Moore reportedly grew wistful and teary-eyed Monday while revealing that everything still reminded him of Her. “Even the breeze in the park reminds of the cool rush of air conditioning I felt in the theater that night when I first saw Her,” said Moore, adding that everything from the smell of buttered popcorn to the sweet taste of raspberry iced tea brought back torrents of vivid memories that could always be traced back to Her. “When I close my eyes, I can picture Her so clearly. Any time I hear that Kim Deal song “Are You Mine?” I recall those few fleeting hours we spent together in the summer of 2013. I’ve rarely seen Her since I left the theater that night. About a year ago, I saw Her across the room at a party, but didn’t have the courage to approach. Maybe it’s for the best. Either way, I’ll always cherish what we had back then.” At press time, Moore confirmed that the $13.29 he paid for that magical night with Her was the best money he’d ever spent.
‘Sesame Street’ Includes First Muppet To Experience Homelessness #~# Sesame Street street puppet Lily, a 7-year-old bright pink Muppet, will become the show’s first character to experience homelessness, with the show’s producers hoping this addition will create empathy and a sense of understanding on the issue among children. What do you think?
Woman Who Hasn’t Bought Anything Recently Wondering Why She Suddenly Happy #~# MADISON, WI—Struggling to explain her positive emotional state, area woman Erin Kinney reportedly spent Monday wondering why she was suddenly happy despite not having purchased anything recently. “Huh, that’s weird. Why do I feel so content right now? I don’t think I splurged on anything today, but maybe I just forgot,” said Kinney, who then proceeded to scroll back through her Amazon order history to double check if she had purchased anything that had momentarily slipped her mind. “I swear I must have bought, like, a new sweater, a fancy candle, or some expensive Korean face masks to make myself this cheerful and energized, but I looked at my credit card statement and I apparently I didn’t buy a single thing—not even groceries. Did I go to Target recently? I don’t have any memory of going shopping, but why else would I feel so good?” At press time, Kinney told reporters that she had become so flustered by the whole situation that she had no choice but to run out to a local drug store and buy herself a little pick-me-up.
Charlottesville Jury Recommends 419 Years Plus Life For Neo-Nazi Who Killed Protester #~# James Alex Fields Jr. was given a recommended sentence of life plus 419 years in prison for killing Heather Heyer and seriously injuring 35 others. What do you think?
Report: Greatest Factor In Employee Retention Boss Sending Out End-Of-Year Note Titled ‘Thanks Team’  #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Citing the gesture as a “best practice shared across the nation’s highest-morale offices,” researchers at the Harvard Business School published a report Friday identifying a correlation between workplaces with the highest employee retention rate and those where management distributed an end-of-year note titled “Thanks Team.” “Our findings clearly show a hastily dashed-off email telling employees to ‘keep up the good work’ far outweighs other factors such as pay raises, promotions, and company culture in terms of keeping efficient workers in the stable,” said head researcher Dr. Ellen Mahoney, referring to a specific case in which an employee had already drafted her resignation only to reconsider after receiving a 120-word, two-sentence email from her supervisor with the subject line “I appreciate all of you.” “In the majority of instances, managers claiming to be looking forward to another exciting year were able to persuade employees to remain in their current positions despite diverse negative quality-of-life factors, just to see how it all played out. Moreover, supervisors who referred to their staff as ‘one big family’ were much more likely to keep loyal employees for years or even decades, in some cases retaining experienced and dedicated workers until just before their retirement benefits kicked in, at which point said workers were either laid off or pruned away during a sudden corporate relocation to the Midwest.” Mahoney’s team also found that companies which failed to circulate an end-of-year note were 87 percent more likely to shut down in the subsequent year. 
This Is The Year I’m Finally Going To Burn Your House Down #~# As winter temperatures arrive and the end of the year approaches, I find myself in a place of deep reflection. Looking back on all the things I have and haven’t accomplished these past 12 months, I feel good about the progress I’ve made toward many of my personal goals. But there’s one particular thing I never quite seem to get around to, and I simply can’t neglect it any longer. So this is it, I’ve decided. This is the year I will, at long last, burn down your home.
Department Of Interior To Control Rising Mole Population By Releasing Mallets Into National Parks #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the skyrocketing mole populations, officials at the U.S. Department of the Interior introduced a new federal program Friday that would release thousands of mallets into national parks. “Introducing mallets into our parks and forest preserves is one of the easiest and most effective ways to keep rising mole populations from damaging our precious ecosystems,” said Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, noting that a single North American wood mallet—known for their long handles and distinctive “donk” sound—can smash hundreds of moles per day, causing their dead bodies to immediately descend back into their burrows. “What critics of this plan don’t understand is that three to five moles are often emerging from their holes at a time. It’s a frankly overwhelming rate for park rangers.” Zinke also touted the secondary benefits of adding thousands of potential tickets that could be exchanged for prizes in the American wilderness.
Most Notorious Criminals In U.S. History #~# Violence and crime have been part of American history since the earliest explorers arrived on the continent and killed whoever they found before stealing their land. The Onion looks back at the most notorious criminals in the country’s history.
Red Cross Issues Reminder They Can’t Accept Donations From People With Loose Blood Cupped In Hands #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that the practice was neither sterile nor sanitary, American Red Cross officials issued a reminder Friday that they cannot accept donations from people who approach them with loose blood cupped in their hands. “While we certainly appreciate the act of generosity, we must discourage any potential donors from approaching one of our workers with a small puddle of plasma cradled in your hands,” said American Red Cross President Gail McGovern, describing the thousands of gallons of donations lost every year when individuals either try to hand their loose blood to a volunteer or simply mutter “here’s some blood” before dumping it on the floor of a Red Cross facility. “Also, we must stress that individuals can’t enter a clinic covering an openly bleeding wound and tell us to just take as much as we want. Jesus Christ, just come to us and let a trained professional do their work.” McGovern added that she should not need to clarify this, but that the blood always needs to come from a human, rather than a goat or cow.
Supreme Court Will Not Hear Case On Defunding Planned Parenthood #~# In a win for Planned Parenthood, the Supreme Court opted to avoid a high-profile case concerning whether to allow Kansas and Louisiana to strip Medicaid money from Planned Parenthood. What do you think?
Trump Ex-Lawyer Michael Cohen Given 36 Months In Prison #~# Michael Cohen, Donald Trump’s ex-lawyer and fixer, was given three years in prison for nine federal charges of tax evasion, violating campaign finance laws, and lying to banks and to Congress. What do you think?
CNN Opens Up 24-Hour Anonymous Tip Line For Anyone With Synonyms For ‘Mueller Closing In’ #~# NEW YORK—Turning to the public in their search for possible leads, CNN set up a 24-hour anonymous tip line Thursday in hopes of contacting those with possible alternatives to the network’s commonly used phrase “Mueller closing in.” “We’re looking for anyone from individuals placed deep inside the Trump administration to folks who know their way around a thesaurus, and we have people standing by to take your call,” said CNN spokesperson Lauren Hoffman, who emphasized that even slight variations or tweaks to the description of the special counsel’s progress, no matter how incremental or insignificant, would be given immediate consideration. “We’re nearly at a standstill at this point—we’re committed to maintaining continuous coverage of the Russia probe, but we’ve run out of ways to say ‘endgame,’ or to ask ‘What does this mean for Trump going forward?’ so we’re opening it up to the public to provide us with suggestions that could help us vary our presentation. Please, no tip is too small.” Hoffman added that anyone with insights into fresh ways to express the ideas “the Russia probe is just about over” or “the Russia probe is only just getting started” are also strongly urged to contact CNN.
Nation Finally Ready To Look At More Sidewalk Drawings That Look Like Big Holes But Are Actually Just Flat #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that enough time had passed for them to be willing to try again, the U.S. populace announced Thursday that they were finally prepared to look at more sidewalk drawings that look like big holes but are actually just flat. “The moment is at hand when we feel mentally and emotionally prepared to view chalk drawings that appear to be deep chasms, but you can’t fall down them because they’re just pictures,” said Alison Grant, 30, echoing the sentiments of 325 Americans who expressed their willingness to see canyons, pools of water, and whimsical depictions of the pits of Hell rendered in chalk on the streets of major cities in such a way that they appear terrifying and real when viewed from a distance. “After being overrun by numerous examples in the early 2000s, we are happy to announce that we will accept the public art for the foreseeable future. Please send all online slideshows, email forwards, and social media posts our way so we can marvel at the optical illusions that look like holes but thankfully aren’t really holes.” At press time, the nation acknowledged that they were still unwilling to view sidewalk drawings incorporating real manhole covers or sewer grates as these were too scary and confusing.
Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Rescinds Nomination After Discovering The Cure Was Voted In As Cruel Prank By Popular Kids #~# CLEVELAND, OH—Expressing regret after being misled by the ruthless stunt, the Rock & Rock Hall of Fame rescinded the nomination they offered to The Cure Thursday after discovering the band was voted in as a cruel prank by popular kids. “We will no longer be inducting The Cure to the Hall after learning they were selected to join our 2019 class by a group of jocks and preps who wanted to mess with the shy band,” said the organization’s president Greg Harris, as the goth rock group’s initial excitement quickly turned to despair after learning of the mischievous trick, causing the sensitive members to cry so hard their makeup streaked down their faces. “While we appreciate The Cure’s musical contributions, the band will not be taking part in our annual ceremony. We feel for the group—they thought they were finally being accepted, but it turns out the cool kids just wanted to embarrass them.” At press time, the organization had inducted the Dave Matthews Band instead.
New Smithsonian Exhibit Honors Thousands Of Pets Who Joined Workforce After Owners Left To Fight In World War II #~# WASHINGTON—Celebrating and commemorating the myriad contributions of previously overlooked heroes, the Smithsonian American History Museum unveiled a new exhibit Thursday honoring the thousands of U.S. pets who devoted their time and talents to the war effort while their owners fought overseas in World War II. “Before the war, pets were largely relegated to the home, performing such small tasks as catching mice or fetching slippers. That changed after Pearl Harbor,” said researcher Bethany Karl, explaining that at the war’s outset, manufacturers of munitions turned to pets to fill jobs at factories and shipyards vacated by men leaving to enlist. “This exhibit contains hundreds of hours of previously unscreened film documenting cats riveting together fighter planes at the Willow Run Aircraft Factory 31, dogs pulling M4 Sherman frames down the line at the Lima Tank Works, and parrots delivering vital communications at the labyrinthian Charlestown Army Ammunition Plant. During the war, these animals proved capable of anything their owners could do, transforming forever their place in American society.” Karl noted that budgetary issues had forced Smithsonian officials to cancel a small addendum to the exhibit focusing on the brutal 1946 beating of hundreds of dogs, cats, and other companion animals during their ill-fated postwar attempt to unionize.
Theresa May Narrowly Manages To Survive Parliamentary Firing Squad  #~# LONDON—Following wide-ranging criticism of the embattled prime minister’s handling of Brexit negotiations, Theresa May narrowly managed to survive execution by the parliamentary firing squad, sources confirmed Thursday. “After several months of coming under constant attack, this firing squad was merely the latest high-stakes test for May,” said Tory MP Sir Graham Brady, explaining that a blindfolded May was marched out in front of the House of Commons at dawn where her conservative colleagues leveled their rifles and pulled the trigger, only to discover that they had miraculously missed every single shot. “Once the dust finally settled and the wall was riddled with bullet holes, she somehow managed to walk away unscathed. Many in the party thought she was a goner, but at least for now, she lives to fight another day.” At press time, May buckled under pressure from members of her party and signaled her intent to be shot before the 2022 election.
Mortician Always Keeps Hammer At Tableside Just In Case One Comes Back To Life #~# PUTNEY, VT—Claiming past experiences taught him to be prepared for sudden displays of vitality, mortician Radiston Nikolov, 38, told reporters Thursday that he always keeps a hammer beside his mortuary table in case one of his embalming subjects comes back to life. “I just like knowing this baby’s within reach in the event we get the odd twitcher or moaner. Sure, it might make some families uncomfortable, but better safe than sorry,” said Nikolov, who over the course of his career has relied on a series of bludgeons from baseball bats to golf clubs to provide much-needed peace of mind during his long, solitary night shifts. “Granted, I’ve only had to use it a couple times over the years, but like my father always said, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Nikolov is currently involved in a legal dispute with a local widower who is seeking half a million dollars in damages and an explanation as to why his wife’s mortal remains had been pummeled to bits in her coffin.
U.S. Military Honors Sacrifices Of NFL Players By Wearing Jerseys Throughout December  #~# ARLINGTON, VA—In recognition of the brave and altruistic Americans who risk their health and safety for the greater good, Pentagon officials announced Thursday that the U.S. military would honor the sacrifices of NFL players by wearing their jerseys throughout December. “Every week, these men are out there on the gridiron, putting their bodies on the line for our country. Having our soldiers wear these jerseys and caps is the least we can do to show our support,” said Pentagon spokesperson Robert D’Amato, who announced that all active-duty soldiers would be sporting gear from all 32 teams to raise awareness of the people who put their lives aside to preserve the American way of life. “These men leave their homes and their families and travel to cities across the country to uphold our nation’s traditions. They are battered and bruised for years, their lives often cut short while we sit back in our barracks and enjoy our freedom. Some of them are never the same after they end their service, and yet we take them for granted. Hopefully, this small gesture shows that the soldiers and officers of the U.S. military know who the true heroes really are.”
Innocuous Thing You Did In Public Prompts Inside Joke That Bonds Group Of Teens For Life #~# WASHINGTON—Citing your faux pas as the catalyst for several meaningful friendships, a new report published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center confirmed an innocuous thing you did in public has inspired an inside joke that will bond a group of teenagers together for life. “According to our research, the inelegant but harmless thing you did has already provided the kids who witnessed it with hours upon hours of joy and will serve as a kind of a touchstone for them well into adulthood, where they’ll undoubtedly speak at each other’s weddings and make barely veiled references to the video they took of you embarrassing yourself,” said head researcher Nathaniel Dombek, explaining that the time they spend together laughing at and constantly recreating your awkward moment will cause permanent ties to be forged among the teens, who otherwise would have drifted apart after high school. “Down through the years, and even after you have passed away, they will they continue mocking your voice and mannerisms. In this way, the thing you did will live on, persisting long after anything else you might hope to be remembered for has begun to fade from people’s recollections.” At press time, researchers predicted the stupid look on your face while reading this article would cause two people in your vicinity to make eye contact, exchange smiles, and eventually get married.
Theresa May Delays Vote On Brexit Deal #~# Facing passionate opposition to the arrangement she brokered with Brussels, Theresa May postponed the parliamentary vote on a Brexit deal to avoid near-certain defeat. What do you think?
Campbell’s Unveils New Tomato Soup Humidifier #~# CAMDEN, NJ—Touting the device’s ability to open nasal passages and fill the air with warm, red mist, Campbell’s officials unveiled Wednesday a new line of ultrasonic tomato soup humidifiers. “The winter months can be hard, but Campbell’s new tomato soup humidifier can dispense more than four gallons of hearty, homestyle relief throughout the night, leaving you both full and refreshed in the morning,” said company spokesperson Jenna Fredrikson, adding that the device came with a custom filter that removes impurities and helps relieve cough and congestion symptoms with a delicious fog that’s low in saturated fat and cholesterol and available in a variety of flavors, including sweet basil, chunky organic, and creamy tomato bisque. “Just place it on your nightstand, adjust the tomato vapor output, and wait as your room fills with thick, delicious, soothing steam for up to 12 hours at a time. Plus, its dual mist function allows you to dispense hot or cold soup, in case you’d prefer the air to taste more like gazpacho.” At press time, Campbell’s announced plans to also release a new “low sodium” tomato soup vaporizer after several customers woke up bloated and swollen. 
Michael Cohen Granted Prison Work Release For New Job With Trump 2020 Campaign #~# NEW YORK—Following sentencing for his role in a hush-money scandal, Michael Cohen was granted a prison work release for a new job with the Trump 2020 campaign, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We’re confident that engaging in honest work will help Mr. Cohen with his rehabilitation,” said warden Pete Clements, telling reporters that having an opportunity to give back to society by serving as an advisor for the 2020 Trump presidential campaign would help Cohen see the error of his past behaviors. “Once he arrives in March, Mr. Cohen will be bused from our penitentiary to Trump’s Manhattan campaign office for an eight-hour work day before returning to prison each night. Mr. Cohen will be under strict supervision during these furloughs, which will allow him to use his skills for the betterment of the community and give him a chance to reintegrate into society.” Clements added that Cohen’s request for a position as the RNC’s 2020 deputy finance chairman had been denied over concerns that the work environment would make it too easy to backslide into criminality. 
Time Awards Person Of The Year To Targeted Journalists Including Jamal Khashoggi #~# For their persons of the year, Time magazine has chosen “The Guardians,” a group of journalists targeted for opposing the “war on truth,” which includes Jamal Khashoggi, arrested Reuters journalists Wa Lone and Kyaw Soe Oo, murdered reporters at the Capital Gazette, and Maria Ressa, chief executive of the Philippine news website Rappler. What do you think?
Michael Cohen Completes First Stage Of Intricate Plan To Break Incarcerated Brother Out Of Prison From Inside #~# NEW YORK—After receiving a three-year sentence in a federal penitentiary for tax evasion, campaign finance violations, misleading a bank, and lying to Congress, Michael Cohen completed the first of stage of his intricate plan to break his incarcerated brother out of prison from the inside, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Ever since they framed Davy for killing that guy, I’ve been concocting an elaborate scheme to spring him from the slammer,” Cohen said of his brother who is scheduled to be executed in April after being falsely convicted of murdering a banker, adding that he’s been methodically studying escape tactics for months and has a coded map of the facility tattooed on his back. “I acted so recklessly and made so many ill-advised decisions that I was sure they would catch me earlier, but thank goodness I’m in and can finally get my revenge on the feds. We have some trials ahead of us, but man, the second Davy and I fly the coop and breathe fresh air together—I know it’s going to be the sweetest thing.” At press time, Cohen was offering legal counsel to an inmate in exchange for an Allen wrench so he could unscrew his cell toilet and begin digging an escape tunnel.
Pros And Cons Of Seeking Out Uncontacted Peoples #~# The recent death of a U.S. missionary trying to visit an isolated group living on a remote Indian island reignited debate over whether uncontacted peoples should be integrated into the rest of the world or left alone. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of seeking out uncontacted peoples.
Orrin Hatch Delivers Farewell Address From Coffin Descending Into Plot Dug In Middle Of Senate Floor #~# WASHINGTON—Marking the end of the longest tenure of any Republican senator in U.S. history, Orrin Hatch (R-UT) delivered his farewell address to colleagues Wednesday from a coffin being lowered into an open grave on the floor of the Senate. “It has been the honor of my life to serve my country these past 42 years in the very spot where I am to be buried,” said the retiring seven-term senator as lawmakers from both sides of the aisle lined up to pay their final respects to Hatch’s political career by throwing handfuls of dirt onto his descending body. “While it’s difficult to say goodbye, I take a certain measure of solace in the knowledge that I’m to be entombed in the place I’ve called home for half my life now. Please remember I will always be here in spirit, and also in the flesh, right here below the floorboards. Thank you, and God bless America.” Those in attendance confirmed the address ended when Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ceremoniously nailed the coffin closed with Hatch still speaking inside.
Thousands Of Drunk Revelers Dressed As Jesus Descend On Vatican For Annual ChristCon Pub Crawl #~# VATICAN CITY—Packing the cobblestone streets and clad in prosthetic beards, sandals, and crowns of thorns, thousands of drunken revelers poured into the Vatican this week to take part in the city-state’s annual ChristCon Pub Crawl. “Every December, it seems like there are more of these jackasses at bars, taking selfies in St. Peter’s Basilica, and tying up traffic while decked out as some version of Our Lord and Savior,” said Cardinal Angelo Sodano, noting that ChristCon’s all-day route, which begins at the Immaculate Conception Pub and winds through 18 of Vatican City’s bars before terminating at O’Malley’s Tipsy Eucharist, always leaves the streets riddled with loud, vomit-stained Jesuses clutching cheap chalices and soiling their robes as they pass out in the city’s sacristies. “Last year, a particularly loud group of Portuguese Sons of God tried to crucify themselves on my lawn. I understand people want to have a good time, but some of us just want to get to work without having to break up a fistfight that started when one Jesus hit on the wrong Mary Magdalene.” Bodano added that the only sympathy he had for ChristCon’s participants was seeing young women shivering in the December cold after wearing ill-advised sexy Baby Jesus outfits to the crawl.
Every Person In High-End Singapore Casino Either Carrying Out Or Target Of Assassination #~# SINGAPORE—Locked as they were in a deadly, high-stakes game of cat and mouse, patrons of the Marina Bay Sands Casino were revealed Wednesday to be either in the process of conducting a risky and sophisticated assassination or were themselves the target of an ingeniously orchestrated assassination attempt. “Every person here is either an accomplished, veteran killer skilled in countless deadly weapons and tactics, such as myself—and, I’m utterly certain, several others—or a high-end arms dealer or ambassador who has allowed the casino tower’s state-of-the-art security to lure him into a false sense of security and is oblivious to the fact that he or she almost certainly won’t make it out alive,” said one ruthless and deadly operative, speaking on the condition of anonymity, who clarified that every single casino employee would at some point be escorted to an unfurnished back room to be swiftly restrained and relieved of their uniforms. “They are all playing their roles flawlessly, from the craps player pretending to chat up that beautiful Argentinian heiress to the blackjack dealer cracking wise with those South American mining executives—all hitmen under deep cover. Granted, there are a few hapless tourists playing slots. They’ll almost certainly be murdered in order to eliminate potential witnesses, if the Russian petroleum oligarch’s ex-Spetsnaz bodyguards don’t use them as mobile cover when the curtain rises on our savage ballet.” At press time, every pair of eyes in the casino was following the cocktail waitress threading her way across the casino floor and attempting to deduce which of the champagne flutes on her tray were poisoned.
Frat Nutritionists Dare Americans To Swallow More Live Goldfish #~# NORMAN, OK—Claiming that the average person needs to just man the fuck up and do it already, frat nutritionists attending the University of Oklahoma dared Americans on Wednesday to swallow more live goldfish. “We’ve discovered that consuming two to three live goldfish per weekend significantly reduces the risk of being a complete gash,” said Sigma Chi rush chair and dietary researcher Cody Wilson, adding that this was something everyone else had to do if they wanted in, so you should just quit acting like such a bitch and open your goddamn whiny mouth. “Live fish is rich in essential shut up and fucking do it, and an excellent source of walk your pussy ass over to Delta if you’re not going to swallow it, you pansy. In a longitudinal study of three previous pledge classes, 100 percent of freshman survived aside from Rhett, and anyway that was totally an accident, so seriously, just fucking eat it already so we can buzz the strippers in.” At press time, Wilson confirmed that those not swallowing live goldfish when they were fucking good and well told to were several times more likely to suffer a major beatdown.
Study Finds Average American Gets Most Physical Exertion Waving Cell Phone Around To Get Signal #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study published Tuesday by the American Institute of Health, the average American experiences the most physical exertion when frantically waving their cell phone around to get a better signal. “After an extensive two-year analysis of all physical activity in the United States, we discovered that on any given day, 99,998 of 10,0000 subjects primarily exercised their muscles while trying to send a text message by holding one arm aloft, flailing it wildly, and intermittently squinting in hopes of seeing those little bars on the screen shoot up,” said lead scientist Dr. Richard Kronfeld, adding that the second most popular form of daily exercise across every age, ethnicity, and gender involved trying to boost reception by pacing about the room, climbing a flight of stairs, and standing on one’s tippy-toes.” Our team found, additionally, that attempting to make a phone call by stepping outside, trekking up and down the block, or walking to the end of the driveway is the most high- intensity workout for most Americans. However, it occurs rarely as the action requires a level of energy that may result in sweating and light windedness.” The research also found the average American’s brain was most active while trying to remember where they put their phone down earlier.
U.S. Coal Consumption Drops To Lowest Level In 40 Years #~# Frustrating the president’s pledges to bring back the industry, the U.S. Energy Information Administration projected this week that America will end 2018 having used less coal than any time since 1979. What do you think?
Trump Claims Substantial Portions Of The U.S.-Mexico Laser Forcefield Have Already Been Built #~# WASHINGTON—In a stirring defense of his administration’s commitment toward border security, President Trump claimed Tuesday that substantial portions of the laser forcefield between the United States and Mexico had already been built. “I’m committed to the safety and security of this great nation, which is why we’ve wasted no time in having 70 miles of invisible, searing-hot laser beams that will keep illegal migrants and criminals out of the country,” said Trump to members of the press, boasting that top scientists had been employed to ensure that the forcefield’s miles of pure plasma could vaporize intruders before they even have a chance to set foot on U.S. soil. “With this impenetrable forcefield, my administration is making good on our promise to keep drugs and rapists out of this country—the moment they even try to come into our country illegally, they’ll be zapped into oblivion. In addition to the forcefield, we’ve also completed a system of floating bubbles with the ability to track down and eliminate any illegal immigrants who had previously made their way across the border.” Trump, who warned agile bad guys could shimmy under the force field, called for more funding to ensure that anyone who crossed the border was completely deatomized.
Jonesing Nation Demands Trump Tell Them Where, Exactly, Drugs Are Pouring Into Country #~# WASHINGTON—Sweating profusely, scratching anxiously at their arms, and sniffing loudly while glancing around and rubbing their eyes vigorously, the visibly strung-out population of the United States demanded Tuesday that President Trump tell them the exact location or locations where drugs are pouring into the country. “Yo, don’t hold out on us here, just let us know where we can find the stuff. You said the country was being flooded with that powder. So where are we talking about? Is it a house, a highway rest stop, on the border, an apartment complex? Just tell me the closest intersection and I’ll do the rest,” said Blaine Christy, echoing the sentiments of the 350 million Americans rubbing at their gums and frantically searching for drug remnants in the couch cushions and floorboards of their homes. “Do I have to come down south or will this fish scale float upstream? Is it uncut? If not, how many times has it been stepped on? ’Cause I’m alright if there’s a little a baby formula, but I’m not getting off the couch for no bunk. And, hey, don’t you worry about the money. I’m good for it.” At press time, the nation’s fiends were slowly and erratically marching on Capitol Hill to demand Trump tell them exactly where the stuff was at. 
Satanic Statue On Display In Illinois Capitol Building For Holidays #~# The Illinois Capitol rotunda will display a statue from The Satanic Temple-Chicago featuring a snake wrapping around Eve’s hand as a testament to freedom of religion and the group’s view of Satan as a wisdom-bestowing hero. What do you think?
Soldier Back Home From Serving At Mexico Border Still Having Nightmares About Being Used As Political Prop #~# COOKEVILLE, TN—Saying he has been unable to readjust to civilian life since returning home from his deployment to the border with Mexico, U.S. soldier Matthew Coltrane told reporters Tuesday he continues to have nightmares in which he is being used as a mere political prop. “In the middle of the night, I’ll wake up in a cold sweat, having dreamed I was back there in Arizona, serving as a pawn in a game to rally the president’s voter base,” said the 22-year-old private first class, adding that he can see clearly the chilling images of young soldiers caught in the middle of the White House’s midterm election strategy every time he closes his eyes. “It can happen anytime. I’ll be sitting with my family watching TV, and suddenly I’m plunged back into this horror show of ostensibly defending America’s borders from a bunch of unarmed migrants who are still thousands of miles away. I can even hear the bored sighs from my brothers-in-arms, brave men who lost weeks of their lives to this naked attempt to scare Americans into voting Republican by depicting refugees as an invading enemy force. It is a trauma that will stay with me for the rest of my life.” At press time, Coltrane was reportedly on the verge of a panic attack after receiving orders to redeploy to the border in advance of the 2020 elections.
Bertolli Packaging Promises Empty Ravioli Floating In Filling-Saturated Water In Just 5 Minutes #~# NORTHBROOK, IL—Describing their new pasta as the perfect quick meal for busy weeknights, Italian food brand Bertolli claimed Tuesday that its new ravioli delivers perfectly empty al dente pasta casings floating in filling-saturated water in a mere five minutes. “Simply bring four cups of salted water to a boil, carefully drop in the ravioli, and soon you’ll have a delicious, lukewarm pot of square noodles drifting amid waterlogged cheese, sausage, or mushrooms,” read the product’s packaging in part, which is also peppered with the Italian translations of various cooking terms such as “tepid,” “gluey,” and “mush” for a touch of added authenticity. “Once your pasta fragments float to the top of the thin filling-and-water solution, carefully attempt to fish them out with an increasingly clogged wire strainer or useless slotted spoon while angrily muttering to yourself. Top the resulting sad, flavorless glop with your choice of Bertolli pasta sauce for a diluted Italian feast. Buon appetito!” The instructions repeatedly mention that the pasta should be left in the water for an additional two to three minutes longer than normal to meet the desired level of sogginess.
Authoritarian Secretary Of Transportation Declares She Has Ultimate Right Of Way In Every Traffic Scenario #~# WASHINGTON—Threatening to use her absolute power to run over anyone who dares stand in her way, authoritarian Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao declared Tuesday that she has the ultimate right of way in every traffic scenario. “Whether I am a pedestrian, a driver, or a cyclist—from today onward, all 325 million Americans on the road must yield to me and me alone,” said Chao, adding that all traffic lights, as well as “four-way, three-way, or two-way” stop signs no longer apply to her, and frankly, never really did. “Furthermore, if I speed by a police car, fire truck, or ambulance, they are the ones who must turn off their sirens and promptly pull over to side of the road. And train conductors? They must stop and let me through the gates if I’m ever parked at a railroad crossing. So consider this a warning, because violators will be immediately sentenced to life in prison without trial.” At press time, a seething Chao slammed her fist on a podium and began chanting “all will yield” to a terrified audience.
Court Filings Suggest Trump Illegally Directed Hush Money Payments  #~# Sentencing filings by the Southern District of New York reveal that Trump personally directed illegal hush money payments in 2016 to women with whom he allegedly had affairs in violation of campaign finance laws. What do you think?
John Kelly Out As Chief Of Staff #~# Speaking Friday, President Trump confirmed John Kelly will be leaving as chief of staff by the end of the year after 18 months defined by an attempt at instilling discipline on an often chaotic administration. What do you think?
Woman Trying To Wean Self Off Coffee By Switching To Long Island Iced Tea #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying that the reduction in her daily caffeine intake had markedly improved her overall mood and outlook, sales associate Sherri Packer, 32, said Monday that she has made notable progress weaning herself off coffee by switching to Long Island iced tea. “I didn’t realize how dependent on my Starbucks I had become, but I can easily drink two or three of these iced teas and still not get as much caffeine as my usual drink,” said Packer, noting that she was calmer, more easygoing, laughed more often, and experienced far fewer jitters after making the simple switch to a mixture of gin, vodka, rum, triple sec, tequila, sour mix, and a splash of cola. “I can mix it up in the morning and bring it to work in my thermos, so I don’t have to deal with long lines at the coffee shop. It’s a great little pick-me-up. Sure, there’s still caffeine in the cola, but it’s just enough to help keep the cravings away. I only wish I had made the switch sooner.” Packer claims the small change in her routine has decreased the amount of time she used to spend tossing and turning before falling asleep at night, and that her drive to work was both much faster and less stressful.
MLB Hoping To Boost Attendance At League Meetings With ‘Star Wars’ Night #~# LAS VEGAS—In an effort to generate more enthusiasm among owners and general managers for the sparsely attended event, Major League Baseball introduced announced a new “Star Wars Night” Monday to boost attendance at this year’s winter meetings. “In the past, we’ve had problems drawing a full crowd to these meetings, so we are trying to make things a little more fun, especially for the younger owners,” said commissioner Rob Manfred, who revealed that each owner who attended received a free bobblehead of Luke Skywalker. “Some of the attendees aren’t big fans of baseball and complain that the meetings are slow and boring, but they love Star Wars. You can tell by their huge smiles that they had a great time interacting with their favorite characters such as Darth Vader, Storm Troopers, and Chewbacca. The winner of the costume contest receives a movie poster of The Last Jedi signed by the cast, and a local orchestra will play “The Imperial March” during the lunch break. Plus, owners can also pay $10 extra for a collectible Yoda cup that comes with free beer refills.” Manfred added that Theo Epstein was scheduled to give a presentation on “lightsabermetrics” that analyzes the connection between MLB attendance and Star Wars box office returns.
White House Ficus To Leave For Virginia Arboretum After Declining Trump’s Offer To Be Chief Of Staff #~# WASHINGTON—As the Trump administration scrambles to find a replacement for outgoing advisor John Kelly, officials announced Monday that a high-level White House ficus would leave for the State Arboretum of Virginia after declining the president’s offer to be chief of staff. “The ficus has been honored to serve President Trump and the American people these last several months and plans to continue advancing the MAGA cause as a member of the private sector,” read a statement drafted by an aide for the ficus, noting that the potted shrub was one of the longest-tenured and most-trusted members of the Trump administration, spending countless hours working alongside the president from a sunny spot inside the Oval Office. “Rumors that the ficus was forced out following a heated argument with Jared Kushner are simply untrue. The ficus will spend the next few weeks helping with the transition of its replacement, a large fern, before departing to work in the tropical plant section of the arboretum.” At press time, the White House was reportedly thrown into chaos after the large fern confirmed it would not accept the new job.
John Kelly Resigns In Last-Ditch Effort To Save His And Trump’s Friendship #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the decision necessary to protect the one relationship he values above all others, White House chief of staff John Kelly told reporters Monday that he will resign in a last-ditch effort to save his and President Trump’s friendship. “It’s been a great honor to serve my country and the Trump administration, but nothing is more important than the strong bond shared by two longtime friends, not even a job, so rather than jeopardize that deep connection any longer, I have decided to leave my post,” said Kelly, noting that lately his relationship with the president has been strained due to the boss–employee dynamic they’ve been trying to keep professional over the last year and a half, adding that he looks forward to returning to the days when he and his best friend would spend hours talking on the phone or taking day trips to go antiquing. “When I started at the White House, we promised each other that we would still get down to the Potomac every now and then and go fishing. But we never went, not once, and the longer I’m here, the more I feel the two of us slipping further away from each other. Well, I’m not going to let that happen.” Kelly added that he would continue to be a sympathetic ear whenever Trump needed to get something off his chest about work, but from now on, he would be “serving at the pleasure of friendship.”
Report: Those Sensors That Flush Public Toilets Were Also Cameras This Whole Time #~# NEW YORK—A report published Monday by researchers at the Journal Of Public Health Management And Practice revealed those sensors that flush public toilets were also cameras this whole time. “After decades of relying on the devices for automated flushing, it appears those red blinking sensors in toilet stalls have also been filming each and every one of their users as they relieved themselves,” read the report in part, which added that the sensors use their camera functionality to record around-the-clock footage of bowel movements and urinations before transmitting the video to the 2.5 million people employed to monitor these feeds. “These are state-of-the-art cameras, as well. So although they’re only recording you from behind, their little electric eyes can see everything. They can even zoom in for incredibly detailed close-ups.” The report also described how the high-definition microphones hidden in the manual override buttons also pick up a constant audio feed that is immediately transmitted along when pressed.
Bob Iger: At Disney, We Live Every Day In Terror That You’ll Turn On Superhero Movies #~# BURBANK, CA—Emphasizing that losing even just a few comic book fans would be a “fate worse than death,” Disney CEO Bob Iger admitted Monday that he and all his employees spend every waking moment consumed by the fear that you will one day turn on superhero movies. “Working at Disney? It’s hell. Because I know that one day, you’re all going to wake up and realize that you’re sick of this Marvel shit, and you’ll dump our sorry asses and never come back,” said Iger, adding that between the movies, theme park expansions, and television shows, Disney would go bankrupt almost instantaneously if consumer tastes changed even slightly. “Every day, my heart stops when I see the box office numbers. How many more of these goddamn Avengers films can we make before the well runs dry? Thirty? Fifty? The bottom line is that the number isn’t infinite, and frankly, that’s terrifying. No matter how many run-of-the-mill animated features we shit out after that, it would never cover the losses.” At press time, Iger confessed that while he had suffered a panic attack earlier in the day, he was feeling much more optimistic after green-lighting the screenplay for Thunderbolt Ross 2.
‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Now Just Hoping George R.R. Martin Dies Soon So Estate Can Release Whatever He’s Already Written #~# CHICAGO—Stressing that a posthumous release was still better than no release at all, Game Of Thrones fans nationwide confessed Monday that they were now just hoping George R.R. Martin dies soon so his estate could publish whatever he’s already written. “Listen, he’s gotta have at least two-thirds of The Winds Of Winter stashed away somewhere, and if he won’t release it? Maybe his family will,” said Karl Roberts, 31, adding that he really didn’t care how the sixth book got out into the world, and would even settle for some Reddit user just leaking the thing. “I mean, he’s definitely had a three-page outline of the whole goddamn series lying around his office since, like, 1993—so that’s something. Also, it’s not like we don’t have a pretty good idea about the endgame anyway. Jamie is probably going to kill Cersei. Jon’s gonna ride a dragon. But here’s the thing—I want to read it for myself. And if he has to kick the bucket for that to happen...so be it.” At press time, Roberts conceded that he did hope Martin survived long enough to publish the final installments of Wild Cards.
5G Phones Coming #~# Offering faster internet speeds and better battery life, recent announcements from Verizon, AT&T, and Sprint suggest 5G devices will begin to appear on the market in the first half of 2019. What do you think?
Wes Anderson Begins Filming Next Film In France #~# Wes Anderson’s next film, The French Dispatch, has started filming with stars including Bill Murray, Tilda Swinton, and Timothée Chalamet in a narrative rumored to revolve around the world of journalism in 20th-century Paris. What do you think?
Zoologists Discover New Fastest Land Animal After Pumping White-Tailed Deer Full Of Steroids #~# MADISON, WI—Shedding new light on the now-500-pound forest-dwelling antlered ungulant, zoologists at the University of Wisconsin–Madison announced the discovery of a new fastest land animal Friday after systematically subjecting a white-tailed deer to a regimen of specially tailored anabolic steroids. “Some cheetahs can temporarily reach a speed as high as 75 mph, which for much of history made them the fastest terrestrial mammal. Well, that was yesterday—we got an eight-point buck jacked to the gills on PEDs to blow those fucking kittycats right out of the water,” said wildlife biologist Dr. Richard McCann, whose 18-month research project and high-intensity fast-twitch-fiber-building synthetic hormone project has proven his theory that a deer whose testosterone output was increased by a factor of 30 could potentially break the national interstate speed limit. “The Odocoileus virginianus was never forced to evolve outright speed as a means of catching prey like the pronghorn or the wildebeest, so it maxed out around 30 mph. But once we got this little guy juicing, his hind legs alone gained over 40 pounds of pure muscle mass with less than 1 percent body fat. We got him leaving gazelles in the goddamn dust.” The white-tail easily broke the 85-mph goal set by McCann, reaching a top speed of 86.3 mph before developing several mood disorders, heart disease, testicular cancer, kidney failure, hypertension, and suffering frequent uncontrollable bouts of aggression and violence.
NRCC Emails Stolen During Major 2018 Election Hack #~# Hackers stole emails from the House Republicans Congressional Committee in a major cyber attack during the 2018 midterm elections, although the intentions of the attack are still unknown, individuals familiar with the matter revealed. What do you think? 
Fox News Intern Fetching Coffee Tells Herself This Will All Pay Off When She Trump’s Secretary Of State One Day #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to cope with the stressful task of fetching coffee for demanding staffers, Fox News intern Hattie Butler reportedly told herself Friday that this would all pay off when she was named President Trump’s secretary of state one day. “It’s really tough to keep everyone’s drink orders straight, but the quick thinking and multi-tasking abilities that I’ve demonstrated during this internship will be invaluable to president Trump when I’m serving as his secretary of state,” said the 23-year-old college graduate who reassured herself that if she paid her dues by delivering the correct beverages, she would eventually earn the right to determine U.S. policies toward foreign powers and navigate complex diplomatic issues that might place the world at the brink of war. “I’m a real go-getter, and my can-do attitude would make me a great asset to the president. Not just anyone can keep a cool head while trying to remember who takes their coffee half-caff and who gets three pumps of vanilla syrup with just a splash of soy milk, but if I keep at it, I can really see this unpaid internship helping me get my foot in the door at the U.S. State Department. Maybe one day I’ll help foster peace between the United States and Puerto Rico. It’s just a matter of time before I have an intern bringing me coffee!” At press time, Butler was drafting up a resume on her iPhone to send to the White House.
Mom Sends Blurry, Indistinct Photo Of Computer Screen Showing Boots You Might Like #~# CAPITOLA, CA—Claiming that the footwear in question would go nicely with a lot of things in your wardrobe, your mother sent you a blurry and indistinct photo of her home computer screen Friday ostensibly displaying a pair of boots you might like. “I was looking at the internet and thought of you when I saw these on the Amazon’s website. Don’t they look comfy?” read the text message from your mom that accompanied a pixelated cell phone image of boots of an indecipherable style and color alongside several open tabs and a folder on the desktop titled “Family Pics 2014.” “I know you mentioned last spring you were looking for some new boots, and these look just like that pair of boots you wore when I came to visit you last year. It looks like they have your size, too.” At press time, mom was sending you a photo of the URL so you could order them when you got home.
Review: ‘Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’ Sunk By Unforgivable Inclusion Of Kirby, One Of The Most Offensive Harmful Stereotypes To Ever Appear In Popular Entertainment #~# One of the most anticipated releases of 2018, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is a fun, but undeniably compromised gaming experience. Ultimate pulls out all the stops to give fans the biggest, most finely tuned Smash Bros. experience to date. It’s a tight, balanced, action-packed brawler filled out with over 70 of your favorite Nintendo characters and dozens of classic stages from the series’ history. However, this dedication to representing the entire Nintendo universe ends up sinking the game due to the completely unforgivable inclusion of Kirby, who is one of the most offensive and harmful stereotypes in the history of popular entertainment.
This Hotel A Goddamn Maze, Reports Father #~# JANESVILLE, WI—Claiming that one would need a degree from Harvard just to find the front desk, Illinois father of three Tom Rutledge confirmed Friday that the Holiday Inn Express in Janesville, WI was a goddamn maze. “I don’t get why they designed it like this,” said 52-year-old Rutledge of the four-story, mid-priced accomodations. “Where the hell is the elevator? It took me five minutes just to find the goddamn vending machine. And for Christ’s sake, why are the ice machines only on every other floor? I swear this place is like one of [Rutledge’s 15-year-old son] Evan’s crazy posters with the stairs going everywhere. I mean, for 115 bucks a night, you’d think you’d get decent signage, at least.” Rutledge’s family members said he was last seen wearing swim trunks wandering through a dimly lit conference room carrying an unused towel.
Man Worried The 6th ‘Transformers’ Movie Will Just Be Stupid #~# EUGENE, OR—Concerned that the newest chapter of the franchise would underwhelm viewers with a senseless, inane plot and shallow two-dimensional characters, moviegoer Marc Davis expressed worries Friday that sixth Transformers movie The Last Knight might just be stupid. “I’m a little anxious that this sixth movie is just going to a big, loud, moronic waste of time,” said Davis, who shared his opinion that the trailer for the new movie made it seem like a dumbed-down version of the previous five installments. “Of course I was excited when it was first announced, but the more that comes out about it, the more it seems like unnecessary retreading of old themes and familiar characters. I’m trying to keep my hopes up, but I can’t help but think they’ll go for cheap thrills and flashy action sequences instead of really approaching these mechanized humanoid aliens with anything approaching nuance.” Davis expressed hopes that, even if The Last Knight was an overblown mess, the filmmakers could make up for it by returning to form with the seventh and eighth movies, slated for release over the next few years.
I May Not Be The Prettiest Girl In The Room, But What I Do Have Is A Gun #~# I get it. I’m not much of a looker. I know I’m not ugly or anything, but I have enough humility to recognize there are women out there who, by any conventional standard, are far more attractive than I am. There’s a lot more to a person than looks, though, and as it happens, I have a lot more to offer. In fact, I have something that, in my view, is just as important as long, silky hair, perfect skin, or a radiant smile.
L.A. Adds Lanes For Cyclists To Recover From Getting Hit By Cars  #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to improve riding conditions for the city’s long-neglected bikers, Los Angeles officials announced Friday a $10 million plan to add lanes for cyclists to recover from getting hit by cars. “L.A. has fallen short of bike-friendly places like Portland and Philadelphia for years, which is why the City Council voted today in a landslide 11-0 decision to finally create a bright green pathway where you can get doored and safely roll around, clutching your knee and writhing in unbearable agony,” said mayor Eric Garcetti of the Department of Transportation initiative that will provide cyclists with four feet of space on all major Downtown streets to look in horror at compound fractures, check for concussions, or simply lie motionless on the cold ground and bleed out. “Countless accidents occur every day because of our poor cycling infrastructure, reckless motorists, and many other factors within our control, but luckily Central L.A. will soon have miles of road fully dedicated to letting riders regain consciousness from these collisions. Never again will you be side-swiped, rear-ended, or cut off by a distracted Uber driver without having a place to tend to your wounds.” At press time, the Los Angeles City Council voted to add a new lane where cyclists could recuperate from the countless additional injuries suffered while recovering from their original ones.
Top Agenda Items In Upcoming Democratic-Majority House #~# The Democratic Party will retake control of the House of Representatives after gaining a net total of 40 seats in the 2018 midterm elections. The Onion examines the items headlining the Democrats’ agenda as they lead the 116th U.S. Congress.
Tumblr To Ban All Adult Content #~# Tumblr, the social blogging platform, will ban all X-rated content and most nudity in an effort to create a “better, more positive” environment. What do you think?
David Attenborough Says Collapse Of Civilization On Horizon #~# Speaking at the UN climate conference in Poland, Sir David Attenborough told world leaders that humanity will collapse without immediate action on climate change. What do you think?
Defeated Republicans In Wisconsin, Michigan Move To Neutralize Democrats #~# After losing several key races in the states, defeated Republican lawmakers in Wisconsin and Michigan are taking legislative action to weaken the positions of governor and attorney general before Democrats assume office. What do you think?
Revlon Releases New Functionless Translucent Gel For Women Who Don’t Need Makeup #~# NEW YORK CITY—Touting the colorless, nearly undetectable gel as the ideal beauty product for those who are perfectly comfortable with their coloration and facial features, Revlon released a new functionless translucent gel Thursday specifically formulated for women who do not wear makeup. “Revlon’s new PhantoGel is the perfect cosmetic for women who are comfortable with their natural beauty,” said Revlon CEO Debra Perelman of the clear, completely see-through gel, noting that it does nothing to highlight, conceal, or color skin and is targeted at customers with no desire to wear foundation or toners but still want the routine of putting makeup on in the morning. “Apply PhantoGel before work, before a big night out, or just do touch-ups throughout the day. It’s easy to work with and suits all skin tones.” Revlon added that PhantoGel will be on shelves this holiday season with a retail price of $79 for a 1.8-ounce jar, and that it should be removed every night with their bespoke ClearGel Remover, which is expected to be priced only slightly higher.
Dog Who Successfully Detected Cancer In Owner Put Down For Practicing Medicine Without A License #~# PHOENIX—In what authorities hope serves as a warning to any domesticated animal who places medical patients at risk, Kuma, 3, a German shepherd who successfully detected cancer in his owner, was put down Thursday for practicing medicine without a license. “Although in this particular case the animal’s actions did save a life, this dog is not only in blatant violation of medical standards but has been conducting a de facto illegal medical practice, which we cannot condone,” Judge Marlena Peters said during the dog’s sentencing, clarifying that Kuma’s clear lack of medical education, certification, or experience posed a potential danger to those around him, and that his masquerade as a medical professional was deeply insulting to licensed doctors and nurses everywhere. “The fact that this dog’s diagnosis happened to be correct in this isolated case does not absolve him of the crime of fraudulent practice. We must eradicate any and all dogs who practice medicine illegally in order to ensure standards within the medical community are maintained.” Judge Peters is currently engaged in the sentencing of a cat convicted of obstruction of justice for repeatedly interfering with the investigation into its owner’s homicide.
‘No, Take Jeb Instead,’ Screams George W. Bush While Shoving Brother Into Father’s Grave #~# COLLEGE STATION, TX—Having evidently entered the “bargaining” phase of grief in the wake of George H.W. Bush’s death, witnesses confirmed Thursday that George W. Bush shoved his younger brother into their father’s open grave while screaming “No, take Jeb instead!” “Please! Please! Oh, God, please don’t take my father away from me—take Jeb!” cried the former president and son of the deceased, wailing and thrashing as he fought his way past the several mourners and secret service agents in his way before using all his strength to push his brother toward the prepared burial site. “Please, God, it’s not fair that he should have to die while Jeb continues to live! Please, take my dumb little brother and let my dad live—he has so much left to do here on Earth! Jeb is just annoying and pathetic. No one wants him around.” At press time, a defeated Jeb Bush had sighed and quietly agreed to be buried alive.
Financial Experts Say Stock Market Constantly Plunging, Reaching Record Highs Leading Indicator Of Healthy Economy #~# NEW YORK—Reminding investors that 800-point swings are completely normal, financial experts confirmed Thursday that the stock market constantly plunging before climbing to record highs was the leading indicator of a healthy economy. “A highly volatile market that reaches a record high one day before suddenly wiping out weeks’ worth of gains the next is a defining characteristic of a robust economy,” said Standard & Poor’s chief global economist, Paul Gruenwald, who urged investors to remain calm and continue buying up stocks before dumping everything the instant the Dow dropped. “We’re right in the middle of what we call an Everest/Mariana Trench pattern, and that’s exactly the kind of wild oscillation you want to see across all markets. Investors everywhere should consider this an opportunity to either make or lose a huge sum of money.” At press time, financial experts were beginning to panic after trade talks between America and China caused the market to briefly stabilize.
Incredibly Popular George H.W. Bush Funeral Gets Extended 2-Week Run #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that the mourning period for the recently deceased 41st president was “just getting started,” a spokesperson announced Thursday that the incredibly popular George H.W. Bush funeral would go on an extended two-week run. “Based on the outpouring of support we’ve seen for a president who the public views as representing a more respectable era of American politics, we’ve decided to bring the nationally renowned George H.W. Bush funeral experience to 12 more cities across the country over the rest of the month,” said Jim McGrath, spokesman for the late president, adding that “Thousand Points Of Light: George H.W. Bush In Memoriam” was slated for three nights in Texas before returning to Washington, D.C. for an encore funeral, and then the president’s casket would be loaded into a newly commissioned Boeing 747 for his “final resting flight” that would barnstorm across the country, including three sold-out nights at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City. “Besides the president’s casket, accompanied as always by Sully the service dog, we’ve got a star-studded lineup of eulogists, including Jeb Bush, President Bill Clinton, Vice President Dan Quayle, several of the late president’s grandchildren, and on the funeral tour’s Christmas special at the All Saints’ Episcopal Church in Beverly Hills, President George W. Bush will host a never-before-seen photo montage of the 41st commander-in-chief’s life. For those who can’t make it to see the deceased president in person, don’t worry—it will be broadcast around the clock on ABC, NBC, and CNN, plus live-blogged on The New York Times in its new Salute To 41 vertical, so the nation has several chances to say an extended goodbye to the beloved president one last time. This is truly the patriotic mourning event of the decade, and it is not to be missed.” At press time, the late president’s spokespeople announced that due to its popularity, “Thousand Points Of Light: George H.W. Bush In Memoriam” had added a year-long residency in Las Vegas at the MGM Grand.
Woman Finds It Worrying That All Of New Boyfriend’s Previous Relationships Ended In Breakups #~# NEW YORK—Admitting that she had never suspected anything dubious until recently hearing the details of her significant other’s past, local woman Debra Haas told reporters Thursday that she found it worrying that all of her new boyfriend’s previous relationships ended in breakups. “I could see if only one or two had finished like that, but all of them ending the same way is just a huge red flag,” said Haas, adding that had she known that he had broken up with every single one of his girlfriends, she might have reconsidered becoming intimate with him at all. “I know it’s unfair to judge Stephen by what happened with the other women in his life, but the common denominator in all these failed romances is him. I just wish we had talked about this before we started dating so I could have made a more informed choice about whether to get involved with him or not.” Haas later added that all her doubts were put to ease when she found out that her boyfriend had one very successful, 10-year marriage that he was still currently in.
Herpetologists Discover Species Of Frogs That Evolved To Spontaneously Grow Top Hat And Cane #~# ATHENS, OH—Claiming the finding could shed new light on the diversity of amphibian life, scientists from Ohio University announced Thursday that they had discovered a new species of frog that had evolved the ability to spontaneously grow a top hat and cane. “While in many ways resembling a common bullfrog, Lithobates michiganus is unique for its capability of springing onto its hind legs and dancing with a tiny hat and cane, likely as a way of defending itself from predators,” said lead researcher Masha Rossi, noting that the amphibian’s practice of belting out “I’m Just Wild About Harry” and “Hello! Ma Baby” in a booming baritone was likely a trait developed in order to attract potential mates. “This frog can be identified in the wild by its distinctive green-and-yellow coloration as well as its powerful hind legs adapted for both razzle and dazzle. This amphibian has a truly striking method of locomotion as it boldly sashays from lily pad to lily pad.” Rossi added that this announcement constituted the most significant advancement in the herpetological field since last year’s discovery of a sleepy-eyed tortoise imbued with the extraordinary ability to beat a rabbit in a footrace.
IBM Closes Jew-Tracking Division After Decades Of Declining Revenue #~# ARMONK, NY—Describing the department as “an inefficient relic of the past the company has outgrown,” IBM announced the closure of its Jew-tracking division Thursday, citing decades of declining revenue. “While the division was a model of demographic research and data harvesting in the 1930s when it represented a formidable percentage of overall profits, Jew-tracking has been a loss-leader for decades now. We’re forced to put sentiment aside and make the difficult but necessary decision to shut it down,” read an IBM press release in part, clarifying that the branch responsible for tracking the names, whereabouts, and political ideologies of European Jews was nothing more than a legacy division. “We look back on our role providing and managing the database for occupied Europe with satisfaction at a job well done, but with today’s Jews largely self-declaring on social media, we must admit the world has moved on.” In a related report, Hugo Boss announced that they were discontinuing their 80-year-old line of  high-collared, wide-lapeled black overcoats, citing an industry-wide trend away from heavyweight leather outerwear.
Wells Fargo Computer Glitch Accidentally Forecloses On All 5,700 Branches  #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Saying it deeply regretted the error, financial services giant Wells Fargo confirmed Wednesday that a computer glitch had resulted in the lender accidentally foreclosing on all 5,700 of its retail banking branches in the United States. “We apologize to anyone who might have been affected by this simple calculation error, including all of the branch managers, loan officers, and tellers who no longer have a place to work,” said CEO Timothy J. Sloan in a form letter that was sent to thousands of former Wells Fargo employees along with a check for $1,000 intended as remediation for the sudden loss of their jobs. “Rest assured, we have taken measures to ensure such an oversight does not occur again and look forward to winning back the trust of everyone who relied upon our banks.” Sloan declined to comment when asked if the savings incurred by closing every single Wells Fargo bank across the nation had paid for his new $15 billion annual bonus.
Mueller Expected To Reveal Details About 3 Major Players In Russia Investigation #~# Prosecutors for Special Counsel Robert Mueller will file several new documents this week about some of the most important players in the Russia probe, including former national security adviser Michael Flynn, former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort, and former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen. What do you think?
Nervous Maid Of Honor Just Stringing Together Random Maya Angelou Quotes #~# CLEVELAND, OH—Relying completely on the acclaimed poet’s platitudes on life, love, and loss, anxiety-ridden wedding participant Kelsey Guzman based the majority of her maid of honor speech this week on random Maya Angelou quotes strung together on extremely thin pretenses. “I thought Kels would be okay when she opened the speech with a workmanlike ‘As the great Maya Angelou once said…’ but pretty soon it became obvious she had no idea what she was doing,” said bridesmaid Rachael Klein, who watched with the rest of the guests in mounting discomfort as Guzman clumsily illustrated her friendship with the bride by reading several entirely unrelated and nonsequential lines of “On the Pulse of Morning.” “Just when you think she’s going to say something nice and genuine about Jessica, she panics and dives right back into Angelou. In fact, if you didn’t know the bride at all, you’d be really impressed with the resilience and courage she displayed while growing up black in the Depression-era south. Oh, God, did she just say ‘Still, like dust, Jessica’s love for Matthew rises?’ Yikes.” Guzman then concluded her speech with yet another Maya Angelou quote, which she wrongfully attributed to Toni Morrison.
Wisconsin Legislature Weakens Incoming Democratic Governor By Restricting His Access To Food, Water, Shelter #~# MADISON, WI—In an effort to prevent the state’s newly elected leader from enacting his agenda, the Republican-controlled Wisconsin legislature was working to weaken incoming Democratic governor Tony Evers by restricting his access to food, water, and shelter, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We must rein in the governor’s unchecked power to feed, clothe, and house himself without first obtaining legislative approval,” said Republican State Assembly Speaker Robin Vos of the lame-duck legislature’s recent flurry of bills, which place numerous restrictions on the governor’s office and makes it a felony for anyone within Wisconsin’s borders to provide Evers with a warm bed or medical aid. “The current policy allows the governor far too much leeway in determining whether he has a roof over his head or enough nutrients to sustain the functioning of his vital organs, and these bills are really nothing more than checks on his basic civil rights. We’ll see how effective the governor-elect’s radical agenda is when he’s starving, frostbitten, and too weak to hold a pen.” At press time, the Republican legislators had reportedly passed another bill enabling them to cripple the incoming governor with a tire iron.
Raytheon Employee Going To Be Pissed If Bonus Just Missile Again #~# WALTHAM, MA—Saying he was sick and tired of getting shortchanged by the defense contractor, Raytheon employee Dennis McCormick confirmed Wednesday that he was going to be pissed if his holiday bonus this year turned out to be a missile again. “Those cheap bastards had better pony up some actual cash instead of just throwing us a token cruise missile like they did last time,” said McCormick, explaining that his team had recently landed a major contract in the Syria conflict and he expected to receive something better than the surplus precision-targeted weapons systems he had been given as a bonus in years past. “They’re such fucking tightwads. Seriously, if I wanted another Tomahawk or Sidewinder or TALON laser-guided rocket, I’d use my employee discount. As it is, these things are just taking up space in my attic. I’ve tried selling them online, but by the time you pay international shipping, you hardly break even.” At press time, McCormick was using tissue paper to wrap an SM-3 Interceptor so he could regift it during the office’s annual Secret Santa exchange.
The Computer Mouse Turns 50 #~# On Dec. 9, 1968, engineer Douglas Engelbart introduced the computer mouse at a product demo, bringing one of the essential elements of the personal computer to the public. The Onion looks back at the development of the computer mouse on its 50-year anniversary.
Producer Tells Actress Non-Disclosure Agreement Pretty Standard For Getting Away With Abusing His Power #~# LOS ANGELES—Dismissing it as nothing more than “a bunch of legal-ese” giving him free rein to make her life hell, film producer Richard Chapman reportedly assured an up-and-coming actress Wednesday that her non-disclosure agreement was pretty standard for permitting men like him to abuse their power. “You can read it over if you’d like, but it’s all just boring fine-print stuff that lets me do whatever I want to you, sexually or otherwise, without ever facing any real consequences,” said Chapman, who advised 27-year-old Lindsey Bridges to skip past the clauses that allow him to verbally abuse her throughout the film’s production, describing them as normal for a studio feature in which the female lead will be subjected to the terrifying outbursts of a powerful egomaniac. “It’s nothing to sweat over. Any lawyer will tell you it’s merely the regular boilerplate language that leaves you with no legal recourse against unwelcome advances, violent threats, gaslighting, or any other kind of bullying you could possibly imagine. Like I said, it’s all pretty customary.” Chapman added that he’s excited to get the ball rolling and start repeatedly throwing chairs against the wall when Bridges objects to a nude scene written in at the last minute.
International Climate Conference Kicks Off In Poland #~# Leaders from around the world will meet for the next two weeks to discuss how to decrease greenhouse gas emissions and monitor nations’ fidelity to the Paris agreement amidst escalating evidence that humanity isn’t doing enough to counter climate change. What do you think?
Gina Haspel Briefs Senators On Saudis’ ‘Shockingly Uninspired’ Khashoggi Interrogation #~# WASHINGTON—Describing the international incident as a run-of-the-mill violation of human rights, CIA director Gina Haspel briefed senators Tuesday on the “shockingly uninspired” techniques employed by Saudi government agents during the interrogation of Jamal Khashoggi. “Unfortunately, all evidence indicates that Khashoggi was killed after only three or four hours of merciless beatings,” said Haspel in a damning summary of the Saudi death squad’s “relatively tame” treatment of the dissident journalist, adding that the group repeatedly missed out on opportunities for innovative torture. “The bone saw was a nice touch, I guess, but all of our findings suggest that he was already dead before they even started dismembering him. It’s shameful and outrageous how amateurish the Saudis’ techniques were—frankly, the biggest crime here is that these cowards relied on such pathetic methods. It was clearly a rush-job, an absolute travesty of an interrogation, and as such, I condemn it completely.” Haspel added that, had she been responsible for such a “hack” interrogation, she would be denying it as well.
Trump Boys Raid Sister’s Closet For Sexy Clothes They Can Use To Seduce And Blackmail Robert Mueller #~# WASHINGTON—With each brother stretching a pair sheer tights over their arms before shimmying into evening gowns, the Trump boys reportedly raided their sister’s closet Tuesday for sexy clothes they could use to seduce and blackmail Special Counsel Robert Mueller. “We can use Ivanka’s fancy dress-up stuff to disguise ourselves as a pretty lady for Mueller and then use our feminine willies [sic] to trick him and drive him crazy!” said Donald Trump Jr., who hobbled around his sister’s bedroom in a pair of high heels as Eric Trump wrapped a bra over his eyes while pretending to be a giant insect. “He’s gonna think we’re so sexy, and once we get him to fall in love, then we can reveal ourselves and make him drop the charges against Dad or else we’ll tell everyone what happened. Watch out, Mueller. Donalina and Ericalina are coming for you!” At press time, the sobbing Trump boys were reportedly spotted racing through the halls of the White House pursued by Ivanka Trump waving a ripped $5,000 designer gown.
Pervert On Subway Won’t Stop Staring At Masturbator #~# NEW YORK—Questioning what had become of common decency, passengers aboard a Brooklyn-bound F train expressed feelings of disgust Tuesday in regard to a pervert who wouldn’t stop staring at the masturbator in their subway car. “My God, this sicko’s not even making any attempt to hide it—he’s just openly leering at that man over in the corner who’s masturbating,” said subway passenger James Ellis Vogt of the depraved individual who, given his clear preoccupation with the public masturbator, was apparently deriving some sort of vile gratification from watching the complete stranger open his pants and begin vigorously rubbing his penis. “What’s worse is that this pervert keeps exchanging glances with everyone around him as if he wants to make sure we, too, see the person exposing himself and trying to bring himself to orgasm. Look, pal, maybe ogling a man as he rubs one out on a crowded train is what does it for you, but we don’t want anything to do with your disgusting little fantasy, okay?” At press time, sources confirmed transit police had escorted the pervert off the train and were asking the masturbator if he would like to file a formal complaint.
Woman Preemptively Posts A Few Good Photos Of Herself Online Just In Case She Ever Dies In Shooting #~# YUMA, AZ—Uploading almost a gigabyte of image files to her various social media accounts, nursing assistant Katherine Rohrbach, 26, took the precaution of posting several of her favorite photos of herself online Tuesday just in case she dies in a mass shooting. “Should I ever be cut down by a deranged gunman while shopping or going to the movies or dancing at a bar, I want to make sure the first photos of me the media can find are nice ones where I’m having a good hair day and you can see my face clearly,” said Rohrbach, scrolling through her phone camera’s album and selecting photos she believed to be tasteful and which showcased her personality. “I don’t want my friends and loved ones to learn about my violent firearms-related death by seeing a bad selfie on the news, or maybe a snap where I’m drunk at a bar. Also, there are high school photos of me up now that I should probably just delete.” At press time, Rohrbach’s friends and family were protesting CNN’s use of a photo of Rohrbach standing next to a more attractive friend after both were shot to death at a birthday party.
Scientists Say Pluto Definitely A Planet #~# A study published in the scientific journal Icarus argues that Pluto never should have downgraded due to its undersized orbit, suggesting that this criterion for a planet is obsolete. What do you think?
GOP-Controlled Wisconsin Legislature Votes To Dissolve State Rather Than Let Democrats Have It #~# MADISON, WI—Passing the measure along party lines, the GOP-controlled Wisconsin legislature voted Tuesday to dissolve the 30th state admitted to the union rather than let governor-elect Tony Evers and other members of the Democratic Party have it. “This essential legislation officially dismantles the State of Wisconsin, thereby ensuring Democrats, who won every statewide executive office on the ballot last month, will have no legal authority within its borders,” said Republican Senate Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald, explaining that it would be reckless to honor the fair election of Democrats to the state’s executive branch and far preferable for Wisconsin to cease existing and become instead a lawless wasteland of snow and ice. “While we cherish the past 170 years of statehood, there is simply too much at stake right now to allow the clear will of the people expressed at the polls to ruin Wisconsin by putting Democrats into positions such as governor and attorney general.” At press time, the Republican-led legislature had passed a follow-up resolution naming outgoing Governor Scott Walker the Eternal God-King of the former state of Wisconsin.
Guest Roster Assembled For Surprise Birthday Reveals Minimal Understanding Of Girlfriend’s Social Circle #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Describing the majority of attendees as “acquaintances at best,” birthday celebrant Megan Randall stated publicly Tuesday that a surprise birthday party organized by her boyfriend, Kevin Collins, displayed a less-than-minimal familiarity with her social circle. “I frankly haven’t spoken to some of these people in years,” said Randall, 29, disclosing that roughly a third of the revelers who burst out of her darkened kitchen upon her return from work appeared to have been members of her boyfriend’s flag football team. “I went to college with Beth, but that was 10 years ago and we really didn’t even hang out then. The vibe was super weird because nobody seemed to know anybody else. What was Kevin thinking? There’s a guy here I dumped in high school. And he completely left out Sophia, my best friend. Honestly, it’s like he saw some pictures and heard some stories from my college days and just invited those people, which is strange since he’s heard me talk a ton of shit about them.” An explanation for the incident is not expected to be immediately forthcoming, as Randall temporarily suspended communication with her boyfriend the moment her intercom was buzzed by a group of former coworkers brandishing a bottle of Fireball.
Researchers Publish List Of Ways Animals Can Help Fight Climate Change #~# MEDFORD, MA—Explaining that there were many simple things they could do to tackle one of the most urgent crises facing planet Earth, researchers from Tufts University published Tuesday a list of ways that animals could help fight climate change. “Whether you’re a beaver, elk, or trout, it’s important for everyone to do their part to stop global warming with easy lifestyle changes like turning off energy-wasting appliances, recycling, and driving less,” said lead researcher Irene Gregory, adding that there were dozens of ways mammals, insects, reptiles, amphibians, and other members of the animal kingdom could reduce their participation in harmful behaviors that contribute to rising sea levels, more devastating storms, and other adverse effects of climate change. “While it may seem daunting to address the root causes of climate change, things like wolves cutting down on their meat consumption and raccoons avoiding processed foods with excessive plastic packaging can make a big difference in the long run. Climate change is a global issue, so the time is now for animals to do their part to help protect the environment, and that means cows working to offset their carbon footprint, birds cutting down on excess travel, and fish having fewer children. We also urge animals to become more politically involved by contacting their member of Congress and demand the government focus on regulatory measures and promoting renewable technology—consider writing a letter to your representative.” Researchers followed up their advice to animals with several recommendations for plants that aren’t currently doing enough to fight climate change.
Warby Parker Apologizes For Years Of Testing Glasses On Animals #~# NEW YORK—Following several months of scrutiny and pressure from animal rights groups, glasses manufacturer Warby Parker issued an official apology Tuesday, expressing regret for years of testing trademark eyewear fashions on animals before introducing the styles to customers. “Though we no longer engage in the practice, from 2010 to 2015 we did conduct experiments in which hundreds of rabbits, owls, and mice were each fitted with five pairs of glasses representing a variety of looks both classic and modern, subtle and bold,” said Warby Parker spokesperson Yvette Davey, stating that the tests represented “a shameful and deeply regrettable chapter” in the company’s history, no matter how sharp and scholarly the animals looked during their trials. “This was wrong, and we are sorry. While no animals were physically harmed in our testing process, many were made to feel confused and uncomfortable after being forced to wear the wrong prescription, or a set of heavy frames that totally overwhelmed their face shape, and for that we can never apologize enough. No defenseless creature should ever be forced to try on the Fletcher, the Percey, the Tansley, the Tate, or any other Warby Parker design.” A statement from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals acknowledged the apology and reiterated that animals should never be used in such tests, even if many kittens and puppies do look “pretty fucking adorable” in glasses.
Fed Proposes Forcing Drugmakers To List Drug Prices In Ads #~# Department of Health and Human Services secretary Alex Azar proposed rules requiring all drugmakers to disclose the price of drugs that cost more than $35 in their television ads. What do you think?
China, U.S. Agree To Temporary Halt To Trade War #~# In a meeting at G20, China and the U.S. announced a 90-day window to pause their trade war and potentially bring an end to the bruising tariff fight. What do you think?
Divorced Parents A Little Hurt Child’s Christmas List Doesn’t Include Heartbreaking Wish For Them To Get Back Together #~# DAYTON, OH—Expressing disappointment at the evident lack of concern for their failed relationship, divorced parents Tim Foster and Eva Ferguson admitted Thursday to being “a little hurt” that the recently completed Christmas list submitted by their daughter Kayla, 8, included no heartfelt but ultimately unrealistic wishes that they might reconcile their differences and get back together as a family once more. “Kayla wants Santa to bring her a new boogie board and a Nintendo Switch—the Nintendo gets five exclamation points—but there’s no mention of her mommy and daddy falling back in love, which I’ve got to admit stings a little,” said Eva Ferguson, adding that, despite her absolute certainty regarding her fundamental incompatibility with her ex-husband, it would be an affirmation of their parenting skills if her daughter begged Santa for a Christmas miracle to bring them together under one roof again. “I’m glad she’s taking the divorce in stride, I guess, but we only just separated back in July. It seemed like she only wanted us to get back together for a couple weeks before completely moving on. We never would, not in a million years, but I sort of wish she wanted it more than she wants a Lego pirate ship.” Ferguson also noted that Kayla had selfishly failed to ask Santa for her recently deceased grandmother to come back to life.
Chemistry Teacher Encouraging Students To Fuck Around With Bunsen Burners In Last-Ditch Effort To Prove Science Is Cool #~# COLUMBUS, OH—In what was interpreted as a final attempt to foster scientific curiosity in high school juniors, James A. Garfield Memorial High School chemistry teacher Gary Holbrook encouraged his students Monday to fuck around with Bunsen burners in a last-ditch effort to prove that science is cool. “As you can see by my demonstration, you can pour any chemicals you’d like into your round-bottomed flask—sulfuric acid, nitrogen, mercury—and just crank up the heat,” said Holbrook, evidently hoping to instill an appetite for science in his students by allowing them to just open cupboards in the lab and mix up whichever chemicals seemed the coolest to them. “Oh, also—if you’re curious about relative specific heats of common household materials versus those of organic tissues, you and your lab partner can stick a paperclip over the flame, and take turns branding each other. Really get that thing glowing hot. As far as we know, this is how all great chemists discovered their passion for lab work.” Holbrook declared his approach a qualified success after his students became sufficiently interested in science to ignite a hydrogen-filled balloon, burning down the school laboratory.
George H.W. Bush’s Casket Completes Log Flume Journey To U.S. Capitol #~# WASHINGTON—In preparation for the 41st president’s funeral later this week, George H.W. Bush’s casket completed its thrilling log flume journey to the U.S. capitol, sources confirmed Monday. The former president’s casket, which was launched from a shallow wading pool in Houston, TX, reportedly traveled 1,400 twisting, turning miles through the Appalachian wilderness before taking a final 50-foot plunge into a briar patch inside the Capitol Rotunda. Sources confirmed that hundreds of visitors stood in the splash zone to pay their respects to former President Bush, their faces and clothes streaked with water as a band of animatronic woodland characters played Taps nearby. Historians noted that The Commander In Chief Log Ride infrastructure was constructed under Roosevelt’s New Deal as a way to transport caskets in a wet ’n’ wild manner befitting the office of the president.
Violence Erupts Across France As Citizens Protest High Cost Of Refilling Crème Brûlée Torches #~# PARIS—With angry residents claiming that the recent tax hikes on fuel were negatively impacting their way of life, violence reportedly erupted across France over the weekend as citizens protested the high cost of refilling crème brûlée torches. “If that miser [President Emmanuel] Macron does not decrease these cruel taxes soon, how are we supposed to eat?” said Pontoise resident Mathieu Desmarais, one of thousands of citizens who flooded into the nation’s capital to demonstrate against the government’s war on crème brûlée caramelization, holding up a homemade poster with a picture of unbrowned sugar topping a soggy, inedible dessert. “Our stomachs are as empty as our butane canisters! Quelle horreur! We see you rich bastards with enough fuel in your torches to properly crisp the sugar on your crème brûlées, to lightly brown the meringue on your pies, to form the crust on your gratins, and we will stand for it no longer!” At press time, French police had mobilized after reports that outraged protestors were attempting to loot a pastry shop after hurling empty crème brûlée torches and ramekins filled with custard at the windows.
Man Parallel Parking Tries To Leave Enough Room Between Cars To Infuriate Other Drivers Into Just Giving Up #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—Emphasizing that his thoughts were always and only for his fellow motorists, local parallel parker Ed Billings admitted Monday that he strives to leave just enough room between the cars ahead of or behind his own so that other drivers are eventually infuriated into simply giving up after a few abortive parking attempts. “All right, this looks like exactly enough space for the driver of a midsized sedan or small SUV to spend about 10 minutes giving it their best shot while other drivers honk at them before they finally get unnerved or annoyed and drive away,” said Billings, 39, expertly evaluating the carefully calculated space between his 2005 Honda CR-V and the crossover SUV seven-eighths of a car length in front of him. “I want to leave just enough distance for a car of average size to struggle with taking a stab at several different angles of approach and getting exasperatingly close to wedging themselves into this spot before they finally just yell ‘Fuck it’ a few times and pound on their steering wheels before calling it quits. It’s just a little thing I do for my fellow drivers. I also want to make sure I leave exactly the right space so that the person in front of me has to hit my front bumper while trying to back out.” At press time, Billings was struggling to suppress his rage and frustration as the driver of a 2017 Smart Fortwo simply breezed into the undersized parking spot in a single attempt.
Experts Recommend Just Putting Up With Everyone Else #~# NEW YORK—Shrugging their shoulders and tilting their heads to the side, a group of defeated-looking experts from top American universities released a joint report Monday recommending you just put up with everyone else because there’s nothing you can really do about them. “According to our research, the people around you are never going to change, so you might as well adapt and just save yourself the emotional energy,” said the experts in a series of frank and honest remarks, adding that statistically speaking, it was about time to grit your teeth and bear it for the foreseeable future. “While it might seem counterintuitive, if you’re waiting on them to get better, now would be as good a time as any to disabuse yourself of that notion. Rather than waste your time, just accept them for what they are and move on with the rest of your life.” At press time, experts confirmed that, yes, your current situation certainly sucks, but what the hell else are you going to do?
Christ Super Embarrassed About All That Stupid Shit He Said 2,000 Years Ago  #~# THE HEAVENS—Admitting that He almost couldn’t bear to look at those old speeches from his Nazareth days, the Lord Jesus Christ told reporters Monday that He was super embarrassed about all that stupid shit He said 2,000 years ago. “Man, I was into some really weird religious mumbo-jumbo back then; all those long-winded, preachy parables I told my apostles are just so not me,” said Christ of the multiple sermons He gave, many of which He now views as pretentious and overwrought, adding that He was only 30 years old and still learning how to be the messiah. “Honestly, if I had known that people were going to write down everything I said and turn it into the New Testament, I probably would have been more careful with my words. I deeply regret uttering any of that ‘love thy neighbor’ shit. I hated the inconsiderate assholes who lived next door. Man, just thinking about me blathering on during the Sermon on the Mount, I totally get why Pontius Pilate wanted to crucify me.” Christ, who described his many miracles as “cringeworthy,” also conceded that He was still pretty proud of that time when He multiplied those fish and the loaves of bread.
Wistful Woman Wonders If This Could Be The One She’ll Sleep With For Few Weeks Before Losing Interest #~# CHICAGO—Expressing optimism and excitement for what her romantic future might hold, local woman Fiona Dixon reportedly wondered Monday if the man she just went on a date with might finally be the one she’ll sleep with for a few weeks before losing interest. “I know we just met, but I’m feeling such a strong connection with Brian that I could definitely see us getting together again for mediocre sex and sort of just doing that for about a month until I get bored,” said Dixon, detailing her date’s passable yet unintimidating looks and sense of humor that was funny enough to be entertaining but not smart enough to be engaging. “He has everything I’ve ever dreamed of—a decent body, medium intelligence, and the right amount of interests in common to keep me occupied for a little while before I realize how incompatible we are, maybe hook up a couple more times, and then move on. Mark my words: One day, I’m going to ditch this man for something better and then repeat the cycle.” At press time, Dixon had giddily saved her companion’s mobile number into her phone contacts as “Future Mr. Wrong.”
Boy Scouts Reverse Stance On Transgender Members #~# After an 8-year-old boy was banned from his troop for being transgender, the Boy Scouts Of America has reversed its stance, deferring to the gender listed by an applicant instead of the one on their birth certificate. What do you think?
FBI Shuts Down Prominent New ISIS Recruitment Website #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the measure would greatly aid efforts to combat the rise of anti-American sentiment online, the FBI announced Tuesday that it had shut down a prominent new ISIS recruitment website, www.whitehouse.gov. “Blocking sites like this one, which spread propaganda in the effort to attract people to ISIS, is vital to winning the war on terror,” said spokesperson Terrence Moreland, adding that the FBI recently became aware of the site after prominent ISIS leaders began posting on social media in support of the online recruitment hub. “While it can be hard to keep up with the number of internet outlets posting Islamic extremist propaganda, ultimately sites like whitehouse.gov are the greatest resource ISIS has to incite terrorism against the U.S. Even though we finally managed to shut it down after a little more than a week, the site was so popular that there’s no telling how many individuals have already been radicalized.” Moreland went on to say that the FBI was also contacting Twitter to request the removal of several prominent accounts known to encourage ISIS recruitment, including @DHSgov, @POTUS, and @realDonaldTrump, but admitted there was only so much it could do to silence such a determined enemy. 
Trump Supporter Has Few Backup Scapegoats Ready To Go In Case Crackdown On Immigrants Doesn’t Fix Everything #~# SEDALIA, MO—Explaining that he wanted to be prepared for any unforeseen outcome, local Donald Trump supporter Fred McGuire, 52, said Tuesday that he has a few backup scapegoats ready to go in case the president’s planned aggressive policing and monitoring policies aimed at immigrants don’t fix everything. “I’m expecting the mass deportations, forced registrations, indefinite detainment without trial, and expanded surveillance to solve every conceivable problem, but just to be safe, I’ve got a handful of other groups I’m ready to demonize,” said McGuire, adding that he is prepared to shift his outrage to welfare recipients, environmental activists, and possibly liberal college professors if Trump’s immigration policies fail to profoundly reduce crime and improve the economy. “Obviously, Obama’s legacy is going to take a lot of the blame no matter what happens, and when people ask me why there’s hardly been any blue-collar job creation, I can also throw out labor unions and political correctness. Yeah, I’ve got enough scapegoat ideas to get me through the next four, maybe eight years.” McGuire went on to say that he wasn’t considering scapegoating Jews just yet, but would wait to see how the next few years play out.
Study: Girls Internalize Gender Stereotypes By Age 6 #~# A study of 400 students found that as early as age 6, girls begin to develop the perception that boys are smarter and more skilled than girls. What do you think?
Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice #~# NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice. “I was thinking we could watch a happy movie this time,” Halstead said as she joined her husband and children in the living room, suggesting they find a film they could all watch, and not a sad one where someone dies at the end or a violent one where “everybody’s shooting at everybody else the whole time.” “You know I can’t watch that blood-and-guts stuff. Could we maybe pick something that’s upbeat and has a funny person in it? Maybe something with Billy Crystal.” At press time, reports confirmed Halsted had been outvoted four to one, and the family was watching The Departed again.
Serena Williams Breaks Grand Slam Record #~# With her Australian Open victory this weekend, Serena Williams has set a record of 23 Grand Slam wins in the Open era and broken her own record as oldest woman to win a major. What do you think?
Trump Insists That Now, More Than Ever, Americans Must Stand Strong In Face Of Empathy #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that the very future of the republic was at stake, President Donald Trump called upon all Americans Monday to stand strong and resolute in the face of empathy. “Now, more than ever, we as a nation must remain steadfast in resisting the urge to understand the feelings and perspectives of others,” said Trump, adding that a rising tide of dangerous empathy could, if unchecked, quickly engulf the country in compassion. “Above all else, we must never descend into treating people as separate individuals with their own concerns and desires, deserving of sympathy and respect. That is surely the path to kindness, from which a nation seldom returns.” Trump went on to say that the courage Americans demonstrated today would allow future generations to one day look at the world around them with indifference or, with any luck, pure disdain.
‘Nothing Would Surprise Me At This Point,’ Says Man Who Will Be Shocked By 8 Separate News Items Today #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Just over a week into the administration of President Donald Trump, local man Alex Seidman, a 36-year-old who will be shocked eight separate times by today’s news, told reporters Monday that at this point, nothing would surprise him. “Honestly, after everything that’s gone down in the past 10 days, none of it really even fazes me,” said the man who will be stunned on eight different occasions by news updates that will leave him wondering if the country’s longstanding democratic institutions can withstand even half of Trump’s first term in office. “Maybe a few months ago it would’ve upset me, even frightened me. But today, I’ll click on The New York Times and it’ll feel pretty [startling, with each piece of news more surreal and flabbergasting than the last, every article seemingly rewriting the rules of reality and slowly convincing me that there may no longer be any such thing as] normal.” At press time, Seidman was now fully convinced that he would be spending at least the next four years in a state of continually heightening trauma, and thus far has not been proven wrong.
The Pros And Cons Of A Two-Party System #~# Brought to you by Learn Liberty
‘Is It Too Late To Audition?’ Asks Perfect Actor For Role, Poking Head Into Room Just As Producers Were Giving Up Hope #~# LOS ANGELES—Stopping producers in their tracks after an exhausting, fruitless day of screening candidates for their film’s lead, local actor Christopher Ryan, the perfect fit for the role, poked his head into the audition room Monday to ask whether it was too late for him to be considered. “Is there still time left for me to go?” asked Ryan, 23, sweetly oblivious to the fact that he was the living, breathing embodiment of the part on which the success of the multimillion-dollar project depended. “I saw the sign on the door as I was walking by. Thought maybe I could give it a shot, but if you’re all done for the day, I understand.” At press time, the producers had leapt up from their chairs to stop Ryan from reaching the door after he misinterpreted their awestruck silence as proof that he shouldn’t have auditioned and turned to leave.
Finland Aims To Be Tobacco-Free By 2020 #~# The Finnish government has set an ambitious goal for less than 2 percent of its population to be consuming any form of tobacco, including e-cigarettes and smokeless products, by 2020. What do you think?
How Trump Plans To Improve America’s Cybersecurity #~# Examine exact replica of a laptop to get inside the head of a real computer user 
Getting To Know The Trump Family #~# With Donald Trump in the White House, many wonder what the new first family will be like. The Onion introduces you to the members of Trump’s family: 
Mexican President Cancels Meeting With Trump #~# Facing domestic pressure after Trump signed an executive order to begin construction on a border wall, President Enrique Peña Nieto of Mexico announced he will not attend a scheduled meeting with Trump next week. What do you think?
Federal Court Ruling Requires Private Businesses To Install Handicapped-Accessible Wheelchair Jumps #~# WASHINGTON—Disability rights groups celebrated Thursday after the federal court for the District of Columbia handed down a ruling requiring all private businesses nationwide to install handicapped-accessible wheelchair jumps. “This is a major victory for any disabled American who’s ever been prevented from performing a killer wallride or 360 bunny hop by the lack of proper handicap accommodations at a place of business,” said Alexis Pereira, a spokesperson for the American Association of People with Disabilities, adding that thanks to the ruling, wheelchair-bound individuals would finally be able to take full advantage of the nollies, table tops, and half cabs guaranteed by the Americans with Disabilities Act. “Until now, disabled Americans have had limited options for where to go to bust out badass G-turns and inverts. We’re hopeful that with this ruling, those with disabilities will never again be denied their constitutional right to shred.” Pereira added, however, that there was still a long way to go to ensure there were adequate wheelchair-accessible grind rails outside all government buildings.
White House Staff Reminded To Place Lids Firmly On Trash Cans After Steve Bannon Gets Into Garbage Again #~# WASHINGTON—Following a series of incidents that left food and used paper products scattered throughout the West Wing, White House staff were reminded Friday to place lids firmly on all trash cans after President Trump’s senior advisor, Steve Bannon, got into the garbage again. “It’s imperative that everyone securely fasten their receptacles so as not to attract Mr. Bannon by the smell of rotting fruit or moldy bread,” said White House chief usher Angella Reid, noting that Bannon was crafty and could work his way into almost any type of bin if there was even the smallest gap. “Just last week, he tracked old coffee grounds through the Roosevelt Room and then left a pile of chicken bones under the Resolute desk. This problem is getting out of hand, so if everyone steps up, it’ll mean a lot less sweeping for all of us.” Reid added that any staffers who encountered Bannon while he was feeding could attempt to shoo him away by loudly clapping their hands, but should not directly approach him, as he could be carrying some sort of disease. 
Home Repair Tips #~# When projects need to be completed around the house, calling contractors can be expensive. Here are The Onion’s tips for do-it-yourself home repairs:
2-Year-Old Unaware He’s Basis For 6 Couples’ Decisions Not To Have Kids #~# THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Oblivious to the unforgiving judgments being passed on him every single day, local 2-year-old Caleb Gibson is completely unaware that he is the sole basis for six couples’ decisions not to have kids, sources said Friday. According to reports, the toddler has thus far failed to recognize that his temper tantrums and messy eating habits have motivated several of his mother’s friends, as well as a couple who were eating near Gibson’s family at a restaurant, to go their entire lives without ever raising children of their own. Gibson also reportedly remains wholly ignorant of the fact that his behavior this past Christmas, which included shrieking for 10 straight minutes after not getting a cookie, was directly responsible for his aunt and uncle’s choice to never procreate, or that stories about staying up all night to take care of him are why one of his father’s coworkers and her husband determined that they would be fine with just a dog. Sources also revealed that Gibson is unaware that he is the reason his own parents have decided not to have more children.
Man Spends Whole Day Dreading Fun Activity He Signed Up For #~# PHILADELPHIA—Repeatedly chastising himself for making such a foolish decision, area man Anthony Vasquez reportedly spent all day Friday dreading the fun activity he had signed up for. “Goddamn it, I’ve only got two hours left before I have to go out and do this stupid thing,” Vasquez said of the enjoyable leisure activity that he had voluntarily paid $70 for, told multiple friends about, and has been looking forward to for the past three weeks. “What the hell was I thinking? I have to take the train all the way downtown, stand in line, and then probably talk to people afterwards. Maybe it’ll get canceled at the last minute or something.” At press time, a reluctant Vasquez had grudgingly left his apartment, taking small comfort in knowing the fun activity would at least soon be over. 
Lab Mouse Nervous For First Day Of New Job Getting Cancer #~# STANFORD, CA—Anxious about all the brand-new challenges that lay ahead, a laboratory mouse was reportedly feeling nervous Friday in anticipation of its first day at a new job getting cancer. “Honestly, I’ve got butterflies in my stomach wondering how being riddled with tumors is going to go,” said the 6-month-old white rodent, adding that it couldn’t help but have the jitters when it realized it would have to show up and start developing agonizing malignant growths pretty much from day one. “I was good at my old gig ingesting dietary supplements, but this new job metastasizing cancer cells to my bones, organs, and lymph nodes is a rare opportunity for me. I mean, just the thought of walking in there and not getting cancer, of just sitting there with perfectly intact tissue, is keeping me up at night.” At press time, the mouse had reportedly calmed down after reassuring itself that it was sure to get cancer since it had already been genetically modified to have no way of stopping it.
Explanation Of Board Game Rules Peppered With Reassurances That It Will Be Fun #~# SCHENECTADY, NY—Repeatedly seeking to ease his friends’ growing skepticism and disinterest, local man Joel Mayhew peppered his explanation of the rules of the board game Pandemic with reassurances that it will be fun, sources confirmed Friday. “I know you’ll really like it once we actually get going,” said Mayhew, flipping through the game’s instructions to clarify the rules while pausing frequently to promise that the game was much less complicated than it seemed. “Okay, so, basically, once you’ve completed the movement part of your turn, one option is to give or take a city card from another player. You’ll get the hang of it, I swear. Although—and don’t worry if you forget this part, because I can just remind you—you can only share a city card with a player who’s already in the same city as you. Seriously, you’re going to be addicted after we’ve played through the whole thing a few times.” At press time, two of Mayhew’s friends had abandoned the game, and he was hastily reassuring those who remained at the table that it was actually more fun with fewer players.
North Korean Defector Says Kim Jong-Un Won’t Last #~# Thae Yong Ho, a North Korean official who defected in 2016, reports that the government is turning against leader Kim Jong-un and that reunification with South Korea could occur within five years. What do you think?
Mary Tyler Moore Dies #~# Iconic sitcom and film actress Mary Tyler Moore has passed away at age 80. What do you think?
Trump Claims Waterboarding Doesn’t Come Close To The Excruciating Torment He Experiences At Every Moment #~# WASHINGTON—Dismissing concerns that the controversial interrogation method constituted torture, President Donald Trump told reporters Thursday that waterboarding does not even come close to the excruciating torment he himself experiences at every waking moment. “Prisoners who are forced to endure a few hours of simulated drowning hardly experience the unrelenting horror that tears at my psyche night and day,” said Trump, adding that being strapped to a chair in a filthy concrete cell and repeatedly suffocated was a “stroll in the park” compared to the cruel and inhuman anguish his mind is subjected to literally every single second. “What is having gallons of water forced into your lungs compared to the nightmare that has never once released its grip on me? Waterboarding only brings a prisoner to the brink of death. I die a thousand times a day.” Trump went on to say that unlike the victims of the brutal interrogation technique, he was relentlessly tormented by the miserable fact that he deserved everything that was happening to him.
Man From Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin Hates When People From Eagle Point Claim To Be From Chippewa Falls #~# CHIPPEWA FALLS, WI—Saying that nothing rankled him more than hearing that kind of outrageous misrepresentation, Chippewa Falls, WI, resident Gary Miller told reporters Thursday that he absolutely hates when people from Eagle Point claim to be from Chippewa Falls. “Come on now, Eagle Point is a good 15 minutes up Highway 124,” said an exasperated Miller, adding that it was “complete and total BS” that anyone from Eagle Point, “of all places,” would profess to be from the city that was home to the Cook-Rutledge Mansion and Irvine Park. “Every time I hear some Eagle Point idiot say he’s from Chippewa Falls, I just want to turn to him and ask, ‘Oh, really? Then what elementary school did you go to? Hillcrest? Parkview? That’s right, I didn’t think so.’” At press time, Miller was explaining that Chippewa Falls was “practically up the road” from Eau Claire and that the boundaries were “kind of fuzzy” anyway. 
Collection Agency Holding Nation As Collateral Until Trump Pays Off Business Debts #~# NEW YORK—In response to his repeated failure to reimburse creditors for hundreds of millions of dollars in loans, sources confirmed Thursday that a collection agency is holding the nation as collateral until President Donald Trump pays off his business debts. “We will retain full possession of all 50 states as security for the more than $2 billion the president owes,” a spokesman for Parsons Credit Services said, adding that the company was holding the entire Pacific Northwest as a guarantee against the $364 million in transferred loans the commander-in-chief had borrowed from Deutsche Bank alone. “Due to the significant scope of the president’s debts, as well as the lengthy amount of time he has been delinquent—decades, in some cases—we have no choice but to hold the entire expanse of the United States until his obligations are paid in full. And if President Trump’s late fees and interest continue to accumulate, we’ll require additional collateral in the form of Puerto Rico, Guam, and American Samoa.” The collection agency also emphasized that if Trump did not completely satisfy his debts within the next 180 days, it was prepared to repossess the nation and have it sold off at auction.
NFL Adds Passing Concussion Protocol To Pro Bowl Skills Competition #~# ORLANDO, FL—Promising to highlight the incredible talents of the biggest names in football, the NFL announced Thursday that passing the concussion protocol has been added as a competition in this year’s Pro Bowl Skills Showdown. “I am excited to announce that for the first time ever, six All-Stars from the AFC and NFC will compete against one another to prove who can convincingly pass the league’s sideline neurological exam after incurring a concussion,” said league commissioner Roger Goodell, noting that in addition to quizzing concussed participants on their name and current location, the televised contest will feature a team of medical professionals measuring which players can most accurately recite the months of the year in reverse order while suppressing nausea and any visible signs of disorientation. “Over the course of the season, these athletes have showcased their amazing ability to score sufficiently on reflex and balance tests in order to be cleared to return to the playing field, and tonight, fans will have the opportunity to finally watch them compete head to head. This will truly pit the best against the best.” Goodell added that the concussion protocol challenge will conclude with a special NFL alumni matchup between Hall of Fame quarterbacks Troy Aikman and Steve Young.
Cockroaches Feeling Very Optimistic About Future Of Planet #~# NEW YORK—Declaring that their outlook is as hopeful as it’s been in decades, an overwhelming majority of the world’s cockroaches said in a poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center that they felt “highly optimistic” about the future of the planet.
Pediatricians Discourage Wearable ‘Smart’ Baby Monitors #~# Pediatricians are warning parents against “smart” baby monitor products like onesies that gauge vital signs and report them to parents’ smartphones, as they are not yet approved by the FDA and can lead to overreaction and unnecessary medical testing on healthy babies. What do you think?
‘1984’ Tops Amazon Bestseller List #~# Due to a spike in demand, Penguin is printing 75,000 new copies of George Orwell’s dystopian novel 1984, currently a bestseller on Amazon. What do you think?
Roger Goodell Announces New Contest Offering NFL Fans Chance To Present Lombardi Trophy To Super Bowl–Winning Team #~# NEW YORK—As part of the build-up to the highly anticipated matchup between the Atlanta Falcons and New England Patriots, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced a new contest Wednesday offering fans the chance to present the Vince Lombardi Trophy to the winning team of Super Bowl LI. “This year, for the first time ever, one lucky fan will get the opportunity to go down onto the field after the game and hand the famed Lombardi Trophy to the head coach and owner of the Super Bowl champions,” said Goodell, adding that the randomly drawn winner would get to personally congratulate the team on the trophy presentation stage in front of over 70,000 fans at NRG Stadium and an estimated 160 million people watching on television around the world. “Not only will they pose for photographs while holding the Lombardi Trophy alongside the winning team’s ownership, but they will also get to shake hands with the player selected as Super Bowl MVP. I couldn’t be more excited to make one fan’s dream come true on Super Bowl Sunday.” Goodell added that in order to provide “the ultimate Super Bowl experience,” he will generously allow the contest winner to sit in the commissioner’s seat during the game while he watches it from home.
Lindsey Graham Cowers Behind Tree Trunk As Trump’s Hunting Dogs Close In #~# GREENVILLE, SC—After 36 hours on the run through the woodlands of South Carolina, a bloodied and exhausted Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) reportedly cowered behind the trunk of a willow tree Wednesday as President Donald Trump’s vicious hunting dogs closed in on him.
Report: Americans Most Physically Active When Getting Comfy #~# BETHESDA, MD—Saying such activities overwhelmingly accounted for calories burned in the U.S., a report released Tuesday by the National Institutes of Health found that Americans are most physically active when getting comfy. “Key indicators of physical activity such as increased heart rate and respiration reach their peak when Americans are rolling over in bed or wiggling around in order to find a more optimal sitting posture on the couch,” the report read in part, adding that researchers observed an exceptionally high flow of oxygen to muscles when participants lifted their legs onto an ottoman or enlisted their upper body to spread a comforter when they were chilly. “Using fitness trackers, we discovered that Americans take most of their daily steps when walking back and forth in their home to ensure that their desired snacks and the remote control were in reach while they’re watching TV. Furthermore, most of their cardiovascular endurance can be attributed to the regular, almost daily practice of throwing on sweatpants immediately after getting home from work.” The report also noted, however, that most serious injuries are sustained by Americans overexerting themselves while stacking a second pillow behind the first.
You People Made Me Give Up My Peanut Farm Before I Got To Be President #~# For generations, U.S. presidents have gone to great lengths to avoid potential conflicts of interest. When I was elected, I followed suit by placing my small business in a blind trust to assure our citizens that I would always put the country’s interests ahead of my own. It’s a vital presidential tradition. That’s why I find it a bit curious that our new commander-in-chief has been allowed to ignore it.
How Will Immigration Change Under Trump? #~# President Donald Trump repeatedly promised on the campaign trail to toughen up U.S. immigration policy through stricter controls and enforcement. Here is how immigration will change under Trump.
Madonna Clarifies Statements Made At Women’s March #~# Following backlash from GOP leaders, Madonna clarified she intended no harm by her statements at the Women’s March on Washington in which she expressed thoughts about “blowing up the White House.” What do you think?
New ‘Star Wars’ Title Announced #~# The eighth episode of the Star Wars saga, slated for release this December, has been titled “Star Wars: The Last Jedi.” What do you think?
Study Finds Health Benefits Associated With Seriously Considering Going Vegetarian For A While Now #~# ROCKVILLE, MD—In what researchers describe as a major discovery in the field of dietetics, a study published in the American Journal Of Clinical Nutrition Tuesday linked long-term health benefits to seriously thinking about going vegetarian for a while now. “Our research found that people who actively toss around the idea of cutting meat out of their diet exhibited substantial and lasting improvements in their physical well-being,” said study lead author Dr. Olivia Marlow, adding that regularly telling others about one’s plan to transition to an exclusively plant-based diet sometime in the near future was strongly associated with dramatic reductions in heart disease, diabetes, and even cancer. “The results also demonstrated a robust correlation between improved cardiovascular health and telling acquaintances that while avoiding bacon would be hard, it wasn’t like you were eating a steak every night to begin with. In addition, the positive relationship between browsing vegetarian cookbooks and restaurants online and overall longevity seems especially promising.” The researchers went on to state, however, that the benefits of considering a vegetarian diet still paled in comparison to those enjoyed by individuals who inform friends they were now officially meat-free and haven’t had a burger in more than a week.
How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’ #~# One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.
Trump Deploys National Guard To Press Conference For Standing Ovation #~# WASHINGTON—Activating the reserve military forces to assist in the urgent mission, President Donald Trump reportedly deployed the National Guard to a press conference Tuesday in order to provide him with a standing ovation. “We received orders from the commander-in-chief at approximately 0600 hours to mobilize all available units in the D.C. area to the White House press briefing room, where personnel were instructed to supply a thunderous round of applause at the conclusion of President Trump’s prepared statements,” said Chief of the National Guard Gen. Joseph Lengyel, noting that hundreds of reserve troops had been directed to clap and cheer after Trump spoke on such hot-button issues as the economy and his relationship with the press. “The National Guard is prepared to swiftly respond to the president’s need for vocal adulation. We’ve got boots on the ground in cities across the U.S. to answer the call for ovations at rallies, diplomatic meetings, treaty negotiations, and all other manner of official appearances.” At press time, dozens of troops had been marshaled to chant the president’s name as he signed executive orders dismantling the Affordable Care Act.
No CGI Carrie Fisher To Appear In New ‘Star Wars’ #~# Lucasfilm has confirmed that deceased actress Carrie Fisher will not be digitally added to the next Star Wars film despite the importance of General Leia Organa to the film’s events. What do you think?
Spider Sitting On Shower Wall Can’t Wait To See Look On Man’s Face #~# NAPLES, FL—Excitedly anticipating how he was “gonna freak,” a local spider told reporters Monday that he couldn’t wait to see the look on a man’s face when he notices him sitting on his shower wall. “This clueless dope has absolutely no idea what’s waiting for him when he pulls that curtain back,” said the spider, adding that even though he had crawled out onto the tile hours ago, the wait was going to be “totally worth it” when he gets to see the man flinch and, with any luck, let out a startled yelp. “He’s going to step into the tub totally oblivious to what lies ahead. He’ll run the faucets, check the water temperature just like always, but then—bam! From then on, he’s always going to be wondering if I’ll be waiting for him each morning, and who knows? Maybe I will!” At press time, the man had plucked the spider off the wall with a piece of toilet paper, disposed of him in the toilet, and was absentmindedly shampooing his hair.
Women’s Marches See 2.9 Million Participants #~# The Women’s March on Washington and its sister protests held on the first full day of Trump’s presidency saw over 2.9 million participants in 673 marches across all 50 states and 32 nations worldwide. What do you think?
Temp Excited To Begin First Day As Secretary Of Agriculture #~# WASHINGTON—Saying his new role seemed “way more interesting” than his usual menial office gigs, temp worker Jon Barder told reporters Monday that he was really looking forward to starting his first day as secretary of agriculture. “All I really know from the ad is that I’m in charge of farming for the entire country or something,” said Barder, 22, who will oversee the approximately $140 billion executive department for the duration of his five-day assignment. “But I sure can’t complain about $14 an hour, especially since it looks like no one’s going to be looking over my shoulder and I can just text or whatever. I mean, if it goes well, maybe it’ll turn into a longer-term thing, though I can’t imagine anyone doing this for more than a few months.” At press time, Barder was loitering outside the White House in search of someone to sign his time sheet.
What Qualities Is Trump Looking For In A Supreme Court Nominee? #~# Someone who will provide a counter to diversity on the bench 
NFL Geneticists Working On Developing Ligament-Free Player #~# NEW YORK—Noting that the effort represents the future of professional football, league officials announced Monday that NFL geneticists are working to develop a completely ligament-free player. “We’re confident that in the near future, we will have elite NFL players without any connective tissue forming joints between their bones,” said NFL chief genomics researcher Edwin Davis, adding that the league’s ambitious $400 million research initiative aims to end such debilitating injuries as ACL and MCL tears by completely removing all ligaments from the human body. “Our initial trials have been quite promising, and our test subjects should eventually be able to run routes, throw, and catch, all while their bones are allowed to freely move or violently twist in any and all directions. Our hope is that this research will lead to both ligament- and tendon-free players by the 2040 season, but it’s still very early in the research process.” Davis added that he is also incredibly optimistic about the progress being made toward developing a concussion-proof player whose brain has no cognitive functions whatsoever.
Obama Fills Out Lukewarm Glassdoor Review After Exiting Presidency #~# WASHINGTON—Noting aspects of the job he enjoyed as well as offering what he hoped would be helpful criticism, Barack Obama reportedly filled out a lukewarm review of the presidency on the employer review website Glassdoor a few days after exiting the position last Friday. “In terms of pros, you get to travel a lot and there’s lots of free food—also super dog-friendly,” wrote the 44th commander-in-chief in an anonymous three-star review, selecting the box for “former” employee and choosing “full-time” from the employment status drop-down menu. “In terms of cons, though, the hours are terrible for your work-life balance, and it’s often hard to get anything done because there’s so much red tape, not to mention all the cliques and office politics (frankly, lots of asshole coworkers). All kinds of responsibility but very little recognition for accomplishments, which definitely starts to wear on you. I ultimately don’t think I’d recommend this job to others.” At press time, other Glassdoor users noted that the unnamed person who wrote the review seemed to have a much harder time than the previous position holder, who described the job as “usually tons of fun.”
Compassionate Fisherman Doesn’t Have Heart To Throw Trout Back Into Incredibly Polluted Lake #~# KNOX, ND—Saying he had no desire to cause any animal unnecessary suffering, compassionate fisherman Dan Larson reportedly said Monday that he didn’t have the heart to throw a trout back into an incredibly polluted lake. “I just fish for fun and relaxation, not to hurt anything, and it’d be cruel to toss him back in there with all that garbage,” said Larson, adding that he simply couldn’t bear the thought of returning the fish to the lake where it was likely to choke to death on a plastic wrapper or get snagged in a roll of rusted metal wire, if it wasn’t already slowly being killed by runoff from the abandoned chemical drums floating in the water. “Honestly, he’d even be better off mounted on my basement wall than having to spend another day in that disgusting pool of filth. Poor guy—look at him.” At press time, Larson had beaten the fish with a paddle until the animal’s gasping finally stopped.
Tips For Making The Perfect Bloody Mary #~# First, decide on presentation. This versatile cocktail can be served either on the rocks or directly from a belly button.
‘El Chapo’ Extradited To U.S. #~# Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, recaptured last year after having escaped prison and spent six months as a fugitive, has been extradited to an undisclosed location within the U.S., where he will eventually stand trial. What do you think?
You Would Do The Same Thing If An Old Witch Had Your Father’s Soul Trapped In A Lantern #~# Listen, I completely understand why everyone is furious with me. You don’t think that I know there are disgusting, reprehensible, dangerous things coming out of my mouth at all times? That my vile, indefensible words seek only to shelter the nation’s newly installed administration from the slightest shred of accountability? And that I’ve done it all with a self-righteous arrogance that suggests outright contempt for the truth and our nation’s founding principles? Of course I do. I have behaved in ways that defy not only logic and common sense, but also basic human decency. And, deservedly, I have been shamed and criticized and insulted for these actions.
Keys To The Matchup: Steelers vs. Patriots #~# The New England Patriots face the Pittsburgh Steelers Sunday for the right to defend Peyton Manning’s Super Bowl title. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons #~# The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
Melania Trump’s Goals As First Lady #~# Land Estée Lauder campaign
Mike Pence Disappointed In The 200,000 Husbands And Fathers Who Permitted Women To Attend March #~# WASHINGTON—Admonishing those responsible for failing to uphold their moral duties, Vice President Mike Pence expressed disappointment Saturday in the 200,000 husbands and fathers who had allowed the women and girls in their charge to attend the Women’s March on Washington. “I can’t tell you how let down I feel by the heads of these households who did not simply give their wives and daughters a firm, decisive ‘no’ when they asked to participate in today’s demonstration,” said Pence, noting with frustration that many of the protesters had been granted permission to travel across the country alone and stay for several days in a faraway city with no male chaperone whatsoever to guide and look after them. “There are a few men marching as well, so they must be the ones supervising this whole thing, and thank God for that. But I can’t help but feel that these ladies’ custodians—the ones who were supposed to be providing a masculine voice of reason on these sorts of matters—have really come up short today.” Pence stressed that he, for example, had told his 23-year-old eldest daughter that it was simply out of the question when she mentioned she was thinking of attending the march. 
Steelers Players Make Surprise Hospital Visits To Spend Time With Opponents They’ve Injured #~# PITTSBURGH—Stressing the importance of giving back to those who are much less fortunate, members of the Pittsburgh Steelers reportedly spent Friday making surprise hospital visits to spend some time with opponents they’ve injured. “We try to do something nice like this as often as we can—we just hope to put a smile on some faces here and hopefully help them forget about all the pain they’re going through,” said second-year linebacker Bud Dupree, adding that the team brought gifts and spent time playing video games in an attempt to lift the spirits of players who are enduring debilitating conditions suffered while playing the Steelers during the season. “You can tell it means a lot, and it’s very inspiring to see how they stay positive and never give up despite all the terrible things we’ve put them through. They’re really brave.” At press time, the Steelers had presented UPMC Presbyterian Hospital with a $500,000 donation check that will go toward a new wing dedicated entirely to treating victims of James Harrison.
Obama Commutes 330 Sentences On Last Day In Office #~# On his final day as president, Barack Obama commuted the sentences of 330 prisoners, breaking the record for most commutations in a single day and ultimately commuting more sentences throughout his term than the last 13 presidents combined. What do you think?
President Donald Trump: The First 100 Days #~# WASHINGTON—In order to ensure a uniform transition to the new administration, the Department of Interior on Thursday requested the immediate resignation of all Obama-era elk. “We are asking all elk appointed by President Obama, regardless of subspecies, to step down from their posts by no later than June 1,” said Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke, adding that the dismissal of more than a million of the ungulate land mammals was not unlike restructurings carried out by past administrations that wished to staff the nation’s forests and mountain ranges with their own personnel. “We would like to thank the departing elk for the grazing they have provided, and we welcome their assistance as we transition to the new herds. We are, of course, excited to start working with our incoming elk, whose migration patterns and antler-shedding cycles are more compatible with the vision of the Trump White House.” At press time, many of the elk that had been fired had taken to the media to bugle in protest.
Watching Thousands March In His Honor Unlocks Deeper, Darker Corner Of Trump’s Psyche #~# WASHINGTON—Activating a set of intense desires and personal drives that had until that moment remained dormant, the experience of seeing thousands of people marching in his honor during Friday’s inaugural parade reportedly unlocked a deeper, darker corner of President Donald Trump’s psyche than had previously been known to exist. According to reports, these heretofore uncharted recesses of Trump’s mind—containing thoughts and impulses completely unfathomed by the American public—were accessed for the first time by the sight of waves of uniformed citizens striding in formation combined with the knowledge that he was now the leader of them all. Sources confirmed that the newly triggered bundle of synapses sprang into action in response to the spectacle, causing an entirely unexplored facet of the recently sworn-in president’s personality to awaken and assert its influence over his behavior and ambitions. At press time, an even darker chamber of Trump’s innermost being had reportedly been stirred into action after he was saluted by hundreds of military personnel.
Obama Leaves Post-It On Counter With Quick Note Explaining How To Use Extralegal Surveillance Apparatus #~# WASHINGTON—Jotting down the instructions so the incoming commander-in-chief would be able to quickly and easily access the personal information of the American populace without any hassle, outgoing President Barack Obama left a Post-it note on the White House kitchen counter Friday explaining how to use the government’s extralegal surveillance apparatus, sources confirmed. “Domestic surveillance can be a little tricky—check to make sure NSA is connected to ISP servers first,” read the bulleted message in part, which went on to direct President Donald Trump to “keep trying” several times if a request for communications records from private internet and telecom companies didn’t work on the first attempt. “Select whether data will be collected by individual or in bulk. Download it. IMPORTANT: MAY NEED TO EXPAND STORAGE TO HANDLE ALL DATA. That’s it! Enjoy! P.S. If leak happens, you’ll have to wait a while, then reboot the whole thing.” Obama reportedly also left a stack of classified files regarding American citizens suspected of terrorism overseas on top of the Resolute desk with a note inviting his successor to “help yourself!” to any targeted killings.
Biden Making Plans To Go Completely Legit After Vice Presidency #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he needed to turn his life around before “ending up in deep shit,” outgoing Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly hatching plans Friday to go completely legit now that his term in office has concluded.
Black Man Out Of Work #~# WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.
Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House #~# WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday. “Go on now—get out of here!” said the former commander-in-chief, his lower lip trembling and his eyes welling with tears as he affected a stern tone of voice in an attempt to scare off the faithful hunter-killer drone that had spent the past eight years obediently at his side. “You can’t come with me anymore, you got that? Can’t you see this is for your own good? Now scram. What are you waiting for? Go!” At press time, a heartbroken Obama had thrown a rock in the drone’s direction, causing the unmanned aerial vehicle to flee into the sky, where it paused to look back one last time at its old master before flying off toward a Yemeni tribal wedding.
‘I Promise To Work Tirelessly To Achieve My Campaign’s Goals,’ Threatens Trump In Terrifying Address #~# WASHINGTON—Leaving the nation in an uneasy state of dread as he spoke from the Capitol steps, incoming President Donald Trump reportedly delivered a disturbing inaugural address Friday in which he repeatedly threatened to work hard to implement his campaign promises. “Everything that I’ve stood for in this campaign, all of the goals I’ve set, I will work around the clock until each one of them is achieved,” Trump ominously warned the country, prompting inauguration attendees and those watching at home to exchange tense, fearful glances with nearby friends and loved ones as the newly installed president made several additional intimidating assertions that he would “seek to enact” the agenda he had espoused throughout his run for office. “My focus now will be turning my campaign pledges into reality. It is my guarantee to you, the American people, that I will do my best to accomplish everything I said I would do when you elected me president.” A collective gasp was then reportedly heard emanating from the National Mall as Trump issued a sinister threat to begin swiftly carrying out his campaign’s plans as soon as his speech concluded.
Justice Roberts Stops In Middle Of Oath Of Office To Remind Audience This Just His Job #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the task was simply one of many professional responsibilities he is required to perform, Chief Justice John Roberts reportedly stopped partway through administering the presidential oath of office Friday, turned to face those gathered on the National Mall, and reminded them this was just part of his job. “Please raise your right hand and repeat after me: I, Donald John Trump, do solemnly swear—hey, just so everyone knows, it’s not like I’m choosing to be up here; it’s just something I’m kind of obligated to do,” said Roberts, who asked those in attendance and those watching at home to keep in mind that with few exceptions, every United States president has been sworn in by the chief justice, and that he couldn’t really do anything about it at this point. “I just want to be perfectly clear: I didn’t volunteer for this. I’m just carrying out a duty that comes with being head of the Supreme Court and that’s it. Got it? Okay—do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States.” At press time, Trump had also paused while reciting the oath of office to remind the audience that regardless of whether or not he intends to adhere to anything the oath stipulates, saying it aloud was just part of his job too.
Trump Calms Nerves Before Inaugural Address By Reminding Himself He’s The Only Person Who Actually Exists #~# WASHINGTON—Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before making his way to the lectern, President Donald Trump reportedly calmed his nerves before his inaugural address Friday by reminding himself that he is the only person who actually exists. “Relax, Donald, you are the only person in the world; there is no one else but you, so there’s nothing at all to worry about,” said Trump, seeking to clear his mind of all distractions by silently repeating to himself that he is the sole being in the entire expanse of the universe and the only entity capable of perceiving or feeling. “Everything is going to go great. Just remember there is not another single soul anywhere. Nobody else has ever existed or will ever exist aside from you. You and you alone are alive and real. Okay, this will go great.” At press time, President Trump confidently stepped up to the microphone and delivered a spirited inaugural address to a completely captivated and proud self.
Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now #~# WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now. “Maybe now’s the time to go,” the 92-year-old reportedly thought to himself Friday, pondering whether to continue viewing the ongoing ceremony for the incoming president or simply release his tenuous grip on existence and pass to the other side. “I could slip away right now, or maybe wait until the middle of the inaugural address. Or I could keep watching the proceedings and then return to my home. Hmm.” At press time, Carter had shifted his gaze upward from Chief Justice John Roberts to a strong beam of light that seemed to be bathing his body in a bright, warming glow.
Biden Frantically Cleaning Up Trashed Vice President Residence At Last Second #~# WASHINGTON—Telling reporters he needed to get his “digs back into primo condition” as quickly as possible, Vice President Joe Biden was seen scrambling around Friday morning in a frantic attempt to clean up Number One Observatory Circle just hours before his successor was scheduled to move into the residence.
McDonald’s Unveils New Big Mac Sizes #~# In order to serve a wider range of appetites, McDonald’s will offer two new sizes of its classic Big Mac sandwich, including the single-patty Mac Jr. and the larger Grand Mac. What do you think?
Primates Facing Extinction Crisis #~# A new study that tracked 500 species of primates found that 60 percent face extinction and three-quarters are on the decline due to poaching and deforestation. What do you think?
The Pros And Cons Of Early Retirement #~# With careful planning and prudent financial decisions, many Americans could retire before 65. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of such a decision:
Tearful Biden Carefully Takes Down Blacklight Poster Of Topless Barbarian Chick From Office Wall #~# WASHINGTON—Sighing wistfully while recalling all the times the psychedelic artwork helped get his “rocks off,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly grew emotional Thursday as he carefully took down a blacklight poster of a topless barbarian chick from his office wall. “Man, you have no idea how many times staring up at that badass warrior babe’s grade-A rack picked up Ol’ Joe when he was deep in some shit,” said a teary-eyed Biden, who cautiously removed the array of masking tape, poster putty, staples, and thumbtacks affixing the “total mindfuck” print to the wall to avoid damaging the image of the “completely stacked” female warrior. “This was the first and only thing I put up in my office. Hell, I never even bothered to unpack most of these boxes. Damn, that’s a sweet sword. She’s one wild lady-savage with some exotic, tribal powers; let’s just say she’s always known how to charm the snake. Yeah, she’s served Diamond Joe real well, and I can tell Barry likes her too.” At press time, Biden started sobbing uncontrollably while packing up a “High St.” street sign that he and his buddies T-Bone and the Gooch had stolen shortly after he was sworn in as vice president. 
Shackled Kerry Looks On As Chechen Terror Leader Removes Mask To Reveal Scarred Face Of Former Mentor #~# GROZNY, RUSSIA—Coming eye to eye with the mysterious guerrilla mastermind he had been hunting for the past several years, a shackled Secretary of State John Kerry looked on Thursday as a notorious and brutal Chechen terror leader removed his mask to reveal the scarred face of Kerry’s former mentor. “No, it can’t be—the explosion in Iran, the fire—you’ve been dead 15 years,” said the bruised and bloodied U.S. cabinet official, staring in disbelief at the former black-ops expert who had taken Kerry under his wing and spent years training him in espionage, explosives, and martial arts before his apparent death while sabotaging an Iranian oil pipeline. “It’s been you this whole time, hasn’t it? You were behind the kidnapping of the Russian attaché, the uranium stolen from Seversk—all of it. How could you turn your back on everything we fought for? I looked up to you. I trusted you!” At press time, Kerry was promising his mentor that he had watched him die once and he would do it again.
The Future—And I’m Talking, Like, 35,000 Years In The Future—Is Still Bright #~# Many Americans are upset right now. To millions, the outcome this past November seemed like a step backward for the United States, and people are understandably worried about where our nation might now be headed. But my fellow citizens, now is not the time to give in to pessimism or defeatism, because the future—and I’m talking, like, 35,000 years in the future—is still bright.
Paris Seeks Eiffel Tower Renovations #~# Paris mayor Anne Hidalgo is seeking a $318 million upgrade to the Eiffel Tower in anticipation of the city’s 2024 Olympic bid, with proposed changes including an updated visitor entrance and increased security. What do you think?
ACA Enrollment Highest In States That Voted Trump #~# Of the 6.4 million people who signed up for ACA coverage by the mid-December deadline, states with the highest levels of enrollment all voted for Trump in the 2016 election. What do you think?
Biden Searching White House One Last Time For Missing Pet Snake #~# WASHINGTON—Urging staffers to keep their eyes peeled for a “scaly little fucker without any legs,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly searched the White House one last time Wednesday for his missing 12-year-old pet coral snake, Fruit Loop. “Look, I just found a discarded skin on a chair in the Roosevelt Room, so I know he’s still slithering around here someplace,” said Biden, who sources confirmed rummaged through the drawers of the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and crawled around on his hands and knees peering underneath furniture for the 3-foot-long snake. “Fruit Loop can’t be far—he usually hauls ass straight for the East Wing whenever he flies the coop. If you hear something weird going on in the pipes, just get me on the horn and I’ll come lickety-split with a pole to snatch him. I can’t fuck up again—I’m already on thin ice after he mixed it up with Bo during the 2014 Easter Egg Roll.” At press time, Biden was dangling a dead mouse near the White House kitchen’s oven and calling the snake’s name.
Whale Regrets Eating 290,000 Plastic Poker Chips That Fell Off Container Ship #~# ATLANTIC OCEAN—Shifting uncomfortably in the water as it struggled with painful indigestion, a local fin whale expressed a growing sense of regret Wednesday after eating 290,000 plastic poker chips that had fallen from a container ship during a recent storm. “Ugh, polishing off all those little things was a huge mistake,” said the bloated whale, lamenting that it didn’t show more restraint and stop feeding after straining the first 100,000 small plastic discs through its baleen. “The red ones just looked so tasty, I couldn’t help myself. God, I scarfed down way too many tons of those things. What the hell was I thinking?” At press time, the contrite whale was vowing to stick to a strict diet of krill and the occasional radial tire.
Obama Hoping He Doesn’t Run Into U.S. Populace After Presidency #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the experience would be extremely awkward for each side, President Barack Obama told reporters Wednesday he is really hoping not to run into the U.S. populace after his term ends.
Asshole Moves To Part Of City Where All The Assholes Live #~# NEW YORK—Saying the area felt like the “perfect fit” for him, local asshole Kyle Howard expressed his excitement Wednesday at moving to the part of the city where all the assholes live. “I’m really glad I moved here [among every other asshole in the city],” said the 31-year-old asshole, who, given his completely assholeish hobbies and interests, had long desired to live in the neighborhood of assholes. “There are so many great [asshole] restaurants and a ton of really convenient [asshole] stores right outside my door. I can’t wait to get settled in and [be a complete and unrepentant asshole alongside pricks, bastards, and fuckers exactly like me]. I already feel at home.” At press time, the total asshole had reportedly met an asshole woman at a local coffee shop that specifically caters to assholes.
8 Men Own As Much Wealth As Half The World #~# Oxfam International reports that Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Mark Zuckerberg, Carlos Slim, Jeff Bezos, Amancio Ortega, Larry Ellison, and Michael Bloomberg have a collective net worth of $426 billion, as much as the world’s poorest 3.6 billion people. What do you think?
Springsteen Tribute Band Drops Out Of Inauguration #~# The B-Street Band, a Bruce Springsteen tribute band hired to perform at the inauguration this Friday, has canceled out of respect for Springsteen’s feelings toward Donald Trump. What do you think?
Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore. “Listen, Uncle Joe is kind of behind the eight ball here, and in a couple days I won’t even have a pot to piss in—I sure as shit don’t need a pit boss hassling my ass about some completely bum charges I had thrown my way,” said Biden, who omitted convictions for check fraud and tax evasion from the form, as well as a “raw deal” arson rap from 2015, which the vice president explained was likely to be wiped from his record within the next few months if “Uncle Joe keeps his nose clean.” “The head honcho who gave me the paperwork seemed like a reasonable dude, so I doubt he’d give a rat’s ass about some of these charges. And there’s no way in hell anybody’s gonna find out about that whole mess down in Dover. That shit’s totally legal in half the other states.” Sources confirmed that Biden then listed the phone number and home address of his close friend Blaze when filling in the contact information for his parole officer.
Republicans Vow Not To Repeal Obamacare Without Detailed Plan For Disposing Of Patients’ Disease-Ridden Corpses #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to allay concerns over how the abrupt removal of Obamacare would impact millions covered by the legislation, House Republicans pledged Tuesday that they would not dismantle the healthcare law without first putting in place a detailed and comprehensive plan for disposing of patients’ disease-ridden corpses, sources confirmed. “We want the American people to know that we will not, under any circumstances, repeal the Affordable Care Act until we have a full, working Republican alternative for disposing of participants’ withered, virus-infested remains,” said House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), adding that current enrollees can rest assured that the GOP is working tirelessly to draft provisions that will ensure every single Obamacare recipient can have their ashen and tumor-riddled carcass cremated, buried, or dissolved in a quick and efficient manner at minimal cost. “To those presently insured under the ACA, you can expect a smooth transition in the weeks ahead from your current coverage to our much cheaper, easier, and more convenient corpse-elimination plan. Your putrid lifeless body and the putrid lifeless bodies of your loved ones will be well taken care of—that’s our party’s guarantee to you.” McCarthy added that Americans will also be pleased to know that free-market competition will keep down the fees associated with the GOP’s plan, as all current Obamacare beneficiaries will soon have the option of having their moldering corpses disposed of across state lines.
How D.C. Is Preparing For Inauguration Day #~# Donald Trump will be sworn in as the 45th U.S. president on Friday. Here’s how Washington, D.C. is preparing for the event.
Struggling Media Company Almost Desperate Enough To Hire Someone Qualified For Job #~# NEW YORK—Admitting they badly need to turn their business around, executives at struggling media company Vidmark Interactive confided to sources Tuesday that their situation has become so dire they may have to consider giving a job to someone who is actually qualified to hold it. “We’ve had such a difficult time staying afloat in the current media environment that we’re actually looking at bringing on board a full-time employee who has relevant skills and multiple years of experience in this line of work,” said CEO Cameron Pfeiffer, explaining that the digital media firm has continually promoted employees to positions beyond their abilities, hired friends and family members of executives for management-level posts, and filled their content creation departments with individuals right out of college who were in no way prepared, equipped, or able to meet the goals that were set for them. “If we have another bad quarter, we’ll simply have no choice but to recruit a person genuinely capable of performing tasks necessary for the successful operation of this company—even if it means hiring a professional and paying that person a salary commensurate with his or her talents.” At press time, reports confirmed that the media company had decided to address a vital high-level vacancy by bringing in two 20-year-old interns who will be earning only college credit.
Ringling Bros. Close After 146 Years #~# Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey have announced they will shut down their circus this May after 146 years of performances. What do you think?
Trump Honors Sacrifices Civil Rights Activists Will Have To Make Under His Presidency #~# NEW YORK—Paying tribute to the efforts of countless men and women who are united by their deep commitment to equality and justice for all people, President-elect Donald Trump spoke at a ceremony Monday honoring the sacrifices civil rights activists will have to make under his presidency. “Our nation owes a great deal to the brave activists and political organizers who will have to fight so hard for freedom and equal rights over the next four years,” Trump told assembled members of the press, explaining that civil rights leaders deserve particular commendation for standing up for what’s right in spite of the intense opposition, brutal crackdowns, and smear campaigns they will encounter from his administration. “So many Americans will make the selfless decision to put themselves in danger to defend basic freedoms for citizens of every color and creed. Some will be jailed for long periods, and some, tragically, will even lose their lives. Let us stop and consider the very real cruelty and inhumanity these incredible people will be enduring in the months and years ahead.” Trump then reportedly concluded his remarks with a reflection on how much the country will have changed over the course of his presidency.
New Urine Test Can Determine Diet #~# Tracking the biological markers that result from digestion, a new test can detect a person’s diet and eating habits from a sample of their urine. What do you think?
32-Year-Old Still Not Entirely Sure Where Body Stands With Lactose #~# LANCASTER, PA—Still unable to draw any solid conclusions from the unpredictable reactions she has experienced over her lifetime, local 32-year-old Michelle Waldman acknowledged Monday that she was even now not entirely sure where her body stands with lactose. “I don’t think I can do milk—definitely not whole milk—but yogurt seems to be fine,” said Waldman, adding that despite her three decades of observing the way her stomach handles cheese, she could only conclusively determine that certain soft cheeses made her feel bloated. “Ice cream is mostly okay, though sometimes it gives me cramps. That may just be because I ate too much, though, and not necessarily because of the lactose. I guess it could be both, right?” Waldman later added that while she had a vague understanding of her response to lactose, she had not even begun to untangle her body’s position on gluten.
Biden Sadly Realizes This Could Be Last Time He Throws Lit Firecracker Into Press Conference #~# WASHINGTON—Growing suddenly introspective as he flipped open his Whitesnake Zippo lighter in a West Wing hallway, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly came to the sad realization Monday that this could be the last time he tosses a lit firecracker into a White House press conference. “Aw shit, after today, I might never get another shot to whip an M80 into the Press Briefing Room again—end of an era, man, end of a goddamn era,” said Biden, who smiled wistfully while recalling all the “kickass” times he launched a handful of bottle rockets at the audience of unsuspecting “ink slingers.” “Back in the Senate, Orrin Hatch used to get his panties in a knot when I chucked a fat little cherry bomb under his seat. I shit you not, that fucker pissed himself more times than I could count. Don’t get me wrong, though, Ol’ Joe’s gonna keep on flinging bangers into crowds after I blow this joint, but hell, it’ll never be the same as this.” At press time, Biden was reportedly tying together the fuses of several firecrackers to give the press corps “something they’ll never fucking forget.”
Study: Lasers Turn Mice Into ‘Killing Machines’ #~# Researchers have found that by using lasers to signal the circuitry in a mouse’s brain that controls predatory instincts, they can turn the mice into efficient, insatiable hunters. What do you think?
Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position #~# WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm. “We’re pleased to welcome Bo as an important addition to our organization, where his experience in Washington and familiarity with the West Wing will no doubt enormously benefit our clients,” said BHFS president Steven Farber of the 8-year-old Portuguese water dog, who will reportedly command an annual salary in excess of $750,000 and occupy a sizable corner office overlooking his former address at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. “In his time in the Oval Office, he’s met heads of government agencies, generals, and influential members of Congress, not to mention dozens of world leaders—that’s a truly incomparable level of access. Plus, he’s one of the most respected figures in the Beltway.” Farber went on to say that Bo was also the most adorable little munchkin ever hired in the history of the firm.
Majority Of Americans Lack $500 In Savings #~# A recent survey found that six in 10 Americans did not have savings of $500 in case of unforeseen expenses. What do you think?
Frantic John Kerry Looks On As Teresa Slowly Lowered Into Kim Jong-Un’s Electric Eel Tank #~# PYONGYANG—Bursting into the North Korean dictator’s central control room to find his wife suspended from a rope 40 feet in the air, a frantic Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly looked on in horror Friday as Teresa Heinz was slowly lowered into Kim Jong-un’s electric eel tank. “Well, well, well, how nice of you to join us, Mr. Kerry—as you can see, I’m about to serve dinner, and my electrified little friends here are quite hungry,” said Kim, who ordered his henchmen to seize the U.S. cabinet official and make sure he had a close, unobstructed view of his beloved wife’s final moments. “You may have been able to escape my chamber of horrors, Mr. Kerry, but there is nothing you can do to help her now. A pity that such a lovely woman will have to suffer such a terrible fate, but you should have thought twice before challenging the mighty state of North Korea. You should bid her one last goodbye while you still have the chance.” According to sources, with Heinz just two feet away from reaching the tank’s surface, the North Korean leader exited the control room to check on the status of his latest nuclear device, leaving Kerry under the watch of only two guards. 
How To Combat Harassment Online #~# Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
Transition Team Assures Public Trump Has Too Many Conflicts Of Interest To Favor Any Specific One #~# WASHINGTON—Seeking to allay concerns about how the incoming commander-in-chief’s business ties would affect the way he governs, members of Donald Trump’s White House transition team assured the American public Friday that the president-elect has far too many conflicts of interest to favor any individual one. “The American people have absolutely nothing to worry about regarding Mr. Trump’s ethical integrity, as his conflicts of interest are simply too extensive for him to give preferential treatment to any one of them in particular,” said Trump senior advisor Kellyanne Conway, noting that the real estate magnate’s foreign and domestic holdings are so expansive and complex that it would be almost impossible for him to keep track of them all, let alone isolate one specifically and exploit it. “Every single citizen can rest assured that none of Mr. Trump’s vast array of investments will ever take precedence over any of the others. And even if one of his many business interests did stand to sway his position on an issue, another one of the thousands of other ventures he has a stake in would surely exert pressure to counteract it. So there’s no reason for concern at all.” Conway added that given how committed every member of the incoming administration was to upholding such rigorous principles, the American populace should not even waste their time by scrutinizing the White House’s ethics at all for the next four years.
Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson #~# After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
7-Year-Old Apparently Under Impression Everyone Knows Who The Fuck Aunt Dee-Dee Is #~# HAMILTON, OH—Explaining that the child had casually brought up the name several times throughout the evening, dinner party guests confirmed Thursday that the 7-year-old daughter of one of their work colleagues was evidently under the impression that everybody knows who the fuck Aunt Dee-Dee is. “Right out of nowhere the kid just comes up to me and starts going on and on about some Aunt Dee-Dee, and I have absolutely no goddamn idea who the hell she’s talking about,” said guest Steve Cooper, adding that the second-grader talked to him at length about a pool near Aunt Dee-Dee’s apartment as if he had any clue who this person is or where she lives, and at one point even went so far as to ask him if he liked the color of Aunt Dee-Dee’s car. “Honestly, I’m really not sure if Dee-Dee is her initials or just a nickname or what. This kid mentioned her five fucking times, and I got literally zero information out of the conversation. Then she asked me if Dee-Dee is my favorite aunt and when I’m going to her house. She’s not my fucking aunt, kid.” Guests were able to confirm later in the evening that they had learned Aunt Dee-Dee has pretty, curly hair like a princess and sometimes wears glasses.
Scientists Pinpoint Age Of Moon #~# Using rock samples collected by Apollo 14, scientists have pinpointed that the moon is 4.51 billion years old, hundreds of millions of years older than previously believed. What do you think?
Chargers Announce Move To L.A. #~# The San Diego Chargers will soon relocate to Los Angeles as part of the same NFL deal that saw the St. Louis Rams move to L.A. last year. What do you think?
A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press #~# President Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship. 
Trump Unveils Exclusive Double Platinum–Level Press Room For Only Select Few Journalists #~# NEW YORK—Describing the ornately decorated 3,000-square-foot space as “the height of luxury,” President-elect Donald Trump officially unveiled a new Double Platinum–Level White House press room Thursday, which he said will be made available to only a select few journalists. “Located mere steps from the West Wing, this magnificent, invitation-only press suite will cater to the every need of a hand-selected group of the most esteemed reporters as they cover my presidency,” said Trump, adding that individual Italian oak writing desks, ambient light from overhead chandeliers, and a bank of 12 plush seats providing unimpeded views of the lectern would help make journalists feel comfortable and relaxed while they report on the executive branch. “Not only will the members of this prestigious group enjoy complimentary sparkling wine and valet parking, but they will also receive private access to my administration that no one else in the press corps will be able to enjoy. It is truly the most beautiful and most exclusive press room that Washington has ever seen.” Trump also confirmed plans to convert the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room into a high-end spa and sauna available only to members of the Trump Double-Platinum Press Club.
Patriots Not Allowing Football Game Against Texans To Become Distraction #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Insisting that it is the furthest thing from their minds at this point in their season, members of the New England Patriots told reporters Thursday that they are not allowing their upcoming game against the Houston Texans to become a distraction. “Obviously, it’s something we’d rather not be dealing with right now, but we’re not going to let trivial stuff like this Saturday’s matchup with the Texans take away our focus from our goals as a team,” said Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who downplayed the upcoming divisional playoff game by adding that players and coaches have avoided discussing the subject at all in the locker room. “We know it’s something that the media wants to make a big deal of, but it’s getting blown out of proportion, and honestly, none of us are paying any attention to it. It’s not something we’re going to waste time worrying about.” Sources confirmed that a visibly frustrated Brady later stormed out of the press conference after refusing to answer yet another question about facing Texans quarterback Brock Osweiler.
Man Excited To Spend Weekend Back Home Catching Up With Old Video Games From High School #~# DUBLIN, CA—Describing the flood of childhood memories he had experienced upon arriving home Thursday afternoon, local 30-year-old Ryan Frost told reporters he was excited to spend the upcoming weekend catching up with some of his old video games from high school. “It’s going to be so great to see NBA Street Vol. 2, and of course Grand Theft Auto III—God, how long has it been, a decade?” said Frost, adding that he was thrilled to discover so many of his old games hadn’t gone anywhere and could still be found in or around his old PlayStation 2. “I can’t wait to sit down with Metal Gear Solid 2 and Need For Speed: Underground in my parents’ basement and just hang out all night. Gonna be just like old times.” At press time, Frost admitted that while it would be nice to spend a couple days revisiting his youth, it was unnerving to realize how comfortable his old games still seemed to be with sexism and racial stereotypes.
Fox News Settles Harassment Suit Against Bill O’Reilly #~# Fox News has settled in a lawsuit brought by broadcaster Juliet Huddy against Bill O’Reilly for his alleged 2011 sexual harassment, the second set of such allegations publicly brought against O’Reilly after a 2004 lawsuit was similarly settled. What do you think?
Mike Pence Vows To Cut Conservation Funding After Discovering Elk Don’t Mate For Life #~# WASHINGTON—Promising swift action as soon as he takes office, Vice President–elect Mike Pence pledged Thursday to strip federal funding for conservation efforts shortly after learning that elk do not mate for life, sources confirmed. “One of this administration’s top priorities will be eliminating wasteful spending on environmental programs whose goals include the reckless and misguided federal protection of elk, a species of deer that chooses not to engage in a lifelong monogamous bond and instead mates with countless partners throughout its lifetime,” said Pence, who expressed his disgust that hundreds of millions of dollars had been earmarked by the previous administration to provide federal protection to the nation’s wildlands where these animals could enjoy “wanton and promiscuous behavior” in which they copulate freely among their herds. “The United States government cannot continue to provide support to a species whose males, year after year, choose to breed with multiple female partners. If this is the lifestyle these deviant animals seek to pursue, then they should do so without the help of any taxpayer dollars.” Pence admitted, however, that he might not slash funding completely, noting that he approved of the fact that elk typically copulate only a few weeks out of the year and then go about a life of complete chastity in between.
World Wildlife Fund Urges Americans To Just Grab Whatever Animal They See And Try To Keep It Alive #~# WASHINGTON—Saying it was imperative that citizens take action now to help protect the natural world, the World Wildlife Fund urged Americans Thursday to just grab whatever animal they can find and try to keep it alive for as long as possible.
Starbucks Ending Alcohol Service #~# After six years of attempting to grow their beer, wine, and small plates service into a popular after-work destination, Starbucks has announced the end of its Evenings program nationwide. What do you think?
Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym #~# EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum, adding that the eight different preloaded songs will help fetuses grow the thalamic brain connections needed to process sound. “It all pops right into the uterus with the included laparoscopic installation kit and can easily be adjusted as the fetus continues to grow more cell tissue. Once the fetus develops into a viable infant and is finally delivered, the playset is simply expelled as afterbirth.” At press time, Fisher-Price was rapidly recalling the playset for pinching off umbilical cords and depriving fetuses of oxygen.
How To Invent A Popular Product #~# Ask yourself the ultimate question of any good inventor: Can you picture it on the clearance shelf at Brookstone?
The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income #~# As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:
What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump? #~# On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
How Republicans Plan To Repeal And Replace Obamacare #~# Congressional Republicans have repeatedly stated their intention to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act soon after Donald Trump takes office. The Onion outlines how that process would work.
Trump Team Fires Inauguration Announcer #~# Charlie Brotman, the 89-year-old announcer of every presidential inauguration since Eisenhower, has been replaced by Trump volunteer Steven Ray as a show of appreciation for his contributions to the campaign. What do you think?
Tom Hiddleston Apologizes For Golden Globes Speech #~# After his Golden Globes acceptance speech was criticized for its latent insult to the people of South Sudan, actor Tom Hiddleston has publicly apologized, saying he meant to praise rather than marginalize them. What do you think?
SeaWorld Café Introduces New 5-Pound Orca Burger–Eating Challenge #~# SAN DIEGO—Inviting guests to “bring a big appetite” with them the next time they visit, SeaWorld officials announced Tuesday that for a limited time the marine theme park’s café will be offering a 5-Pound Orca Burger Challenge. “Stop in today and see if you have what it takes to polish off five freshly flame-broiled pounds of killer-whale meat served on a homemade bun with your choice of delicious toppings,” said SeaWorld spokesperson Lisa Doyle, adding that participants will be given 45 minutes to eat the giant ground orca patty and a side of blubber-battered fries, both of which will be prepared from scratch on site. “Anyone who can finish this whale of a sandwich within the time limit will get their picture on our Wall of Fame and, while supplies last, a free ‘I ate the big one at SeaWorld’ T-shirt!” Doyle stated that those who do not partake in the orca-burger challenge would still be able to enjoy the restaurant’s other new menu items, including baskets of curly dorsal fins and any cooked-to-order selection they pick from the choose-your-own-dolphin tank.
Treat Yourself Right #~# This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.
How Confirmation Hearings Work #~# On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
Mom In Nightgown Mode #~# APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode. “You can usually hear her coming downstairs in her slippers around 9:45 or so,” said son Wes Rampling, 16, who noted that upon entering nightgown mode, his mother invariably goes around closing the downstairs curtains while waiting for the kettle to boil so she can make a cup of tea. “She’ll go check to make sure the front door’s locked, then she’ll open the back door to see if the cat wants to come in before locking that up, too. Then she’ll sit in the living room for a while and do about half a crossword puzzle. It’s the same thing every night.” According to sources, Linda Rampling reportedly progressed to the terminal phase of nightgown mode several minutes later upon applying avocado moisturizing cream to her face and retreating into her room with the latest Harper’s Bazaar. 
David Blaine Accidentally Shoots Self During Trick #~# Illusionist David Blaine reportedly suffered minor gum and throat injuries while attempting a trick that involved shooting a gun into his face and catching the bullet in a metal cup behind his teeth. What do you think?
More Women Received Mammograms Under ACA #~# A new study found more women sought mammograms under Obamacare, likely because out-of-pocket expenses were eliminated by the program. What do you think?
Dating Profile Flatly States Man Looking For Someone He Can Control #~# PHOENIX—Providing a brief summary of who he is and what he considers most important for a successful relationship, area man Todd Waterson’s OkCupid profile flatly states he is looking for someone he can control, sources confirmed this week. “I’m an adventurous, fun-loving guy who’s seeking a long-term relationship with a special woman I can psychologically and emotionally manipulate,” read Waterson’s profile in part, which went on to note that he is an IT professional who enjoys traveling and using an insidious blend of belittlement, neglect, and highly selective praise to keep his partner in a perpetual state of fear and uncertainty about her worth. “Sharing the same values matters a lot to me, so it’s important we see eye to eye on me being allowed to decide everything we do and dictating how you should conduct yourself at all times. My ideal match is someone who’s cute and becomes so worn down emotionally that she feels incapable of making a decision about whether she can go out, how much she can speak in social situations, and even what she can wear without my approval. If that sounds like you send me a message!” Waterson’s profile also stated that he would prefer somebody who wants kids and will shoulder the entire responsibility of raising them.
GOP Promises Americans Will Be Able To Keep Current Medical Conditions If Obamacare Repealed #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to reassure citizens ahead of a planned effort to overhaul the U.S. healthcare system, Republican congressional leaders promised Monday that Americans would still be able to keep their current medical conditions if the Affordable Care Act is repealed. “Whatever health problem you have right now, you will absolutely still be allowed to continue having it once Obamacare has been dismantled,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan, adding that the repeal of the landmark healthcare legislation would in no way prevent patients from maintaining their existing medical issues or even adding to their afflictions. “Let’s say you have lymphoma. Under our plan, you can still have lymphoma. You could even expand on that into other forms of cancer. In fact, for the vast majority of Americans, repealing Obamacare will actually increase the number of significant medical conditions available to them.” Ryan added that under the new system, millions of Americans would also see a 100 percent reduction in their health insurance premiums, copays, and coverage.
College Senior Holding Out Hope That Internship Will Lead To Class-Action Lawsuit #~# NEW YORK—Aiming to transition seamlessly from her current position, college senior Molly Black is holding out hope that her current internship with BrownLink Media will lead to a class-action lawsuit, sources confirmed Monday. “I spend 12-hour days here, six days a week, so I think I have a decent shot of leveraging this experience directly into a legal battle against the company,” said Black, 21, adding that working through her legally mandated lunch hour would likely further increase her chances of staying on long-term as a plaintiff in a multiyear trial. “I think if I keep my nose to the grindstone like this, there’s a pretty good chance I’ll get a slice of a huge settlement. Hopefully I’ll impress attorneys enough to make all this hard work worthwhile.” Black added that if the class-action lawsuit didn’t pan out, there was still an outside chance she’d be a good candidate for sexual harassment litigation.
Source Of Mysterious Space Radio Signals Found #~# Scientists have determined that a unique series of radio wave bursts detected since 2007 are coming from a dwarf galaxy 3 billion light years away, though the waves are not likely to signal alien activity. What do you think?
How To Interact With Adult Children As A Parent #~# It’s important to respect the personal space of the person who occupied your womb for nearly a year and then lived in your house for 18 more.
Man Bragging About How Infrequently He Receives Dental Care #~# TACOMA, WA—Treating the amount of time that had passed since his last appointment as a source of great personal pride, local man Kyle Telford, 25, reportedly bragged to several friends Friday about how infrequently he receives dental care. “I haven’t been to the dentist for at least four or five years now,” Telford reportedly said aloud in a confident and gloating tone of voice, proudly touting the fact that he had received no professional teeth cleaning over a period of time during which experts recommend seeing a dentist eight to 10 times. “Honestly, I can’t even remember the last time I went. I probably haven’t gone since freshman year of college, or maybe it was back in high school. My parents are always telling me to make an appointment, but I never do.” Telford reportedly followed his show of bravado about his rare dentist visits with a grandiose boast that he has no intention of seeing a doctor even though he’s been having frequent unexplained headaches recently.
Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions #~# HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions. “Head northeast on Crawford Street toward Commerce Street,” an automated voice reverberating from the car’s sound system reportedly stated, causing the vehicle’s windows to rattle as the driver nodded along with the thunderous instructions to drive half a mile and keep right at the fork. “Follow signs for U.S. 59 North. Use the middle lane to merge onto I-69/U.S. 59 North.” At press time, onlookers reported hearing a deafening chorus of “make a U-turn” after the car appeared to drive down an unmarked side street. 
What Obama Hopes To Accomplish Before Leaving The White House #~# On January 20, President Barack Obama’s second term will draw to a close, ending his role as a world leader. Here are some items Obama still hopes to accomplish before leaving office:
Shrimp Would Be Pissed If He Could See The Lame Party He’s Going To Be Served At #~# MURRELLS INLET, SC—Saying the marine creature would be “annoyed as hell” if he knew, sources confirmed Friday that a shrimp currently inhabiting a local salt marsh would be completely pissed off if he were able to see the awful party he will one day be served at. “God, he’d be so mad if he knew about all the lame, boring losers who will be quietly milling around the snack table where he’s going to be laid out,” a source close to the shrimp reported, adding that the small ocean-dwelling decapod would likely become enraged if he were aware of the pitifully low turnout, the halting, awkward exchanges that will pass for conversation, and the grossly skewed male-to-female ratio at the uneventful and short-lived gathering of individuals where he will grow lukewarm alongside several of his fellow over-boiled crustaceans. “I can only imagine the horrified look on his face if he could hear all the sorry excuses that attendees will make about why they have to leave as he sits there curled over the edge of a bowl of runny cocktail sauce. Oh man, if he knew he was going to wind up in a room of barely a dozen people constantly checking their phones instead of interacting, he’d freak the fuck out.” At press time, sources were resolving not to inform the shrimp of his eventual fate, speculating that he might actually sink into a profound and debilitating depression if he had any idea that by 10 p.m. the music would be turned off and he would be getting dumped in the garbage.
Macy’s Announces Store Closures, Layoffs #~# Following a sluggish holiday season and seven consecutive quarters of losses, Macy’s plans to shutter 63 of their locations and lay off 10,000 workers this spring. What do you think?
Dementia Risk Higher Near Busy Roads #~# A Canadian study tracked 2 million people and found that those who live on or near busy roads such as expressways have a significantly higher likelihood of developing dementia. What do you think?
Report: No One Currently Thinking About You #~# WASHINGTON—A comprehensive report issued Thursday has revealed that not a single one of the 7.5 billion inhabitants of earth is thinking about you right now. “An analysis of the evidence definitively shows that absolutely no one anywhere is giving any thought whatsoever to your life, your work, your well-being, your opinions, or your feelings,” the report read in part, before going on to state that of the scores of human beings who have visually registered your presence over the past several hours or the many thousands you have crossed paths with during your lifetime, precisely zero of them are actively thinking about you as a person or considering anything even remotely related to your individual existence. “Whatever words you may have spoken today and whatever tasks you may have accomplished—no one is thinking about any of that. No one has noticed what you’re wearing, either, or how well or poorly groomed you are. You might, of course, be thinking about yourself, but you are most certainly the only being in the entire expanse of the universe currently doing that.” In addition to concluding that no one is thinking about you at present, the report also found that you have not crossed anyone’s mind for quite some time and that nobody is expected to think about you at any point in the foreseeable future.
ISIS Recruiter Excited To Be Talking To Popular High Schooler For Once #~# RAQQA, SYRIA—Describing his recent conversations with the sociable and upbeat American teenager as “a really nice change of pace,” ISIS recruiter Ben Ahmed al-Fezzani told reporters Thursday it has been a thrill to talk to a popular high school student for once. “Boy, it’s been so refreshing to speak with a kid who actually has some stuff going on in his life and isn’t just another loner who only wants to talk about how no one understands him,” said al-Fezzani, adding that he’s been excited to hear the 17-year-old varsity point guard tell him about how his basketball team is doing or the recent dates he’s gone on, rather than the despair and lonely anger that has amassed inside of him. “And this kid’s not constantly sitting by himself at his computer reaching out to me at all hours like I’m the only person he can talk to. He has real friends he hangs out with. He actually cut one of our recent chats short because he had something to do on a Friday night. I wasn’t even upset—it was just so great to talk with someone who’s getting out there and having a good time.” Al-Fezzani admitted he would likely feel pretty bad if one of the teen’s alienated classmates, with whom he was making much greater progress on radicalization, ended up killing the popular student during a massacre on behalf of the cause.
Republicans’ Congressional Agenda For 2017 #~# Immediately dismantle President Obama’s landmark Clarification Of Treatment Of Electronic Sales Of Livestock Act
Hillary, Bill Clinton To Attend Inauguration #~# Aides for the Clintons have confirmed the couple will attend Donald Trump’s inauguration. What do you think?
Cat Placed On 5 Minutes’ Half-Assed Observation After Possibly Ingesting Plastic Thing #~# AUSTIN, TX—Immediately jumping into superficial action, local woman Catherine Nielson, 32, placed her cat, Reggie, on five minutes of half-assed observation Tuesday night after the gray tabby possibly ingested a small plastic thing from her apartment floor. “I saw him gnawing on some little white piece of plastic, so I’m just going to briefly and sporadically glance over at him for the next couple minutes,” said Nielson while seated on her living room sofa, vowing to reporters that she would not let Reggie leave her peripheral vision until after the next commercial break. “I’ll just make sure he’s not making any weird noises or anything. Really, as long as I’m in the same room as him and occasionally remember to look over in his direction, that should probably be fine.” At press time, Nielson’s cat had quietly retreated to the corner to finish chewing on the piece of plastic.
Man Not Accepting Any More Television Recommendations At This Time #~# CINCINNATI—Issuing the proclamation directly to friends and family Wednesday afternoon, local man Sean Patterson officially announced he is no longer accepting television series recommendations at this time. “While I am grateful for all of the input I have received in recent weeks, I must regretfully inform you that the window for offering new televised programming suggestions for me to watch has officially closed,” said the 43-year-old, adding that, as of noon today, no further titles of network, cable, or online streaming shows would be considered for potential viewing, no matter how star-studded or critically acclaimed. “I might seek input regarding new televised content to watch in the future, at which point I will make a public announcement alerting all concerned parties of my intention to find a new show to watch, and I will urge you all to resubmit your recommendations for any police procedurals, comedies, and true crime miniseries you think I’ll enjoy. However, until that time, I will be unable to process any further television consumption proposals. Thank you for your understanding on this matter.” At press time, Patterson had temporarily lifted his TV recommendation moratorium after abandoning his sister Lynn’s suggestion of Designated Survivor one and a half episodes in.
Megyn Kelly Moves To NBC #~# Conservative news anchor Megyn Kelly has confirmed that after 12 years at Fox News, she will be moving to NBC to host a daytime talk show. What do you think?
Bloodied, Bruised John Kerry Emerges Victorious At Kickboxing Tournament In Bangkok Prison #~# BANGKOK—Spitting out a broken tooth as his opponent lay motionless on the bare cement floor, a battered Secretary of State John Kerry emerged victorious Wednesday evening from an underground kickboxing tournament at Bangkok’s notorious Bang Kwang Central Prison, sources reported. “Any other takers?” said the sweat-drenched U.S. cabinet official in perfectly accented Thai, unwrapping the blood-soaked cloths from his hands and feet as spectators showered him in crumpled 20-, 50-, and 100-baht bills. “I certainly hope there’s someone else out there who’s better at muay thai than that last fellow. I was under the impression they took their kickboxing seriously in these parts.” When no one else stepped forward to square off against him, Kerry departed, and was reportedly seen socializing at a black-tie diplomatic gala at the American embassy 90 minutes later.
Finland To Pay Citizens Basic Income #~# For the next two years, Finland’s government will distribute a universal basic income to 2,000 citizens, allotting $590 per person each month regardless of employment status and then tracking the success of the program as a means of combating poverty. What do you think?
GOP Vote To Gut Ethics Panel Quickly Rescinded #~# House Republicans voted this week to gut the independent Office of Congressional Ethics and place it directly under their own control, but quickly pulled the measure after Trump condemned it on Twitter. What do you think?
Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea #~# PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country. “I don’t want to get my hopes up too high, but I can’t help but daydream about how amazing it would be to get the hell out of this place,” the 30-kiloton weapon told reporters, revealing that it had begun to worry it would never get out of its dingy silo, leave the impoverished and repressive nation behind, and flee to the West. “It’d be great to make it to the U.S.—maybe California or Seattle—but Europe would be fine by me, too. I’d even go to Japan, just as long as I get to leave here for good.” At press time, the nuclear weapon was expressing disappointment that it was still locked up while a nearby chemical warhead was readying to make an escape across the southern border.
Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing #~# NEW YORK—Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning. “With the inauguration just weeks away, the president-elect held a meeting today to bring leaders of the intelligence community up to speed on critical information that will affect his diplomatic and defense decisions as the nation’s commander-in-chief,” said Reince Priebus, Trump’s chief of staff, noting that the president-elect was planning to give briefings to intelligence officials every morning during his presidency in order to keep them closely apprised of the greatest areas of concern and latest threats to the nation. “There’s a considerable amount of secret and highly sensitive intel about military operations and diplomatic affairs that only Mr. Trump has the expertise to provide, and it’s imperative that he convey these findings to our nation’s intelligence directors. This is an invaluable service provided by Mr. Trump, and these meetings will be as frequent and as thorough as necessary to ensure the urgent information that Mr. Trump has gathered reaches those in our intelligence community.” Priebus added that the specifics covered during the briefings would be kept classified, as much of it would be incredibly shocking to the American populace.
What To Know About Trump’s Mar-A-Lago Estate #~# Pronunciation: Mar-A-Lago
Exciting New App Allows Users To Be Pawns In 26-Year-Old CEO’s Little Game #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Having already been downloaded millions of times by consumers eager to get in on the phenomenon, an exciting new app released this week reportedly allows users to become pawns in some 26-year-old tech CEO’s little game. “Yeah, it’s really cool [how I’m being intentionally manipulated by a young Silicon Valley billionaire who considers me nothing more than a lab rat in some little social experiment he cooked up],” said Kansas City resident Harrison Lerner, 36, explaining how he had already introduced the app that has made him a mere plaything of the 2013 college graduate to several of his friends. “It has a lot of awesome features [that record my personal information and behavior patterns and then put this data to use without my knowledge]. I’m seriously using this thing all the time [to the endless delight of the immensely powerful twentysomething whose ultimate designs I will never be made aware of].” At press time, the app was acquired by a large technology conglomerate in a move that will reportedly enable users to be manipulated in a far more elaborate game by a group of even richer individuals.
New Law Gives French Workers ‘Right To Disconnect’ #~# France will soon enact a law restricting large companies from requiring their workers to send or respond to emails outside of work hours. What do you think?
What You Need To Know About U.S.–Russia Tensions #~# A: Wanted to finally participate in a democracy.
Trump To Use Twitter For Major Policy Announcements #~# Incoming White House press secretary Sean Spicer announced that Donald Trump will continue to eschew mainstream media and instead use Twitter to make major policy announcements during his presidency. What do you think?
Climate Experts Say Only Hope For Saving Planet Lies With People Who Save Napkins From Takeout Order #~# GENEVA—Explaining that global warming trends were close to passing a dangerous and irreversible tipping point, a report released Monday by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change stated that humanity’s sole hope for saving the planet now lies with people who save napkins from their takeout orders. “According to our research, our only chance of averting a worldwide catastrophe rests entirely in the hands of individuals who keep the stacks of napkins that come in their takeout bag alongside their burrito or Thai food orders,” said IPCC researcher Ellen Chen, who explained that by stockpiling these loose napkins instead of throwing them out, these people offered the lone remaining path to avoiding devastating superstorms, pan-continental droughts, and increases in global sea levels that pose an existential threat to human life. “We can only pray that these key men and women continue holding on to their extra takeout napkins and piling them up in a kitchen drawer beside the plastic silverware with which they’re packed. Our fate—and, indeed, the fate of all future generations—depends on it.” Chen warned, however, that if any such individuals began throwing out the little conjoined packets of salt and pepper that come with their orders, the planet was in all likelihood doomed.
God Announces Plans To Shift Majority Of Resources Tied Up In Humanity Project To Birds, Rocks #~# THE HEAVENS—Telling reporters it would be a more worthwhile enterprise in the long run, God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, announced plans Monday to shift the majority of the resources tied up in His humanity project to birds and rocks. “I feel like I’ve kind of hit a wall with humanity and this is probably as far as it can go, but I have some exciting new ideas for rocks and birds that I’m really looking forward to exploring,” said The Creator of All Things, adding that He felt human beings had “pretty much run their course” at this point before explaining His intention to give promising rocks such as sandstone and gneiss the consideration they deserve and finally furnish birds with the longer beaks He previously did not have the opportunity to bring into being. “At this point, it makes more sense to devote my time and energy to developing a fourth classification of rock beyond igneous, metamorphic, and sedimentary, or maybe a bird with big tentacles, because humanity really isn’t worth any further investment. It would simply be wasteful to dedicate additional effort to humans when rocks and birds have so much more promise.” God went on to say that His job was already immensely more satisfying now that He was working on what He was actually passionate about.
U.S. Life Expectancy Falls For First Time In 23 Years #~# The average U.S. life expectancy decreased this year for the first time since 1993, falling from 76.5 to 76.3 for men and 81.3 to 81.2 for women. What do you think?
Ruby Tuesday Waiter Warns Jill Stein Her Green Party Response To Trump Speech Disrupting Other Diners #~# LEXINGTON, MA—Interrupting the two-time presidential candidate in the middle of her speech, a member of the Ruby Tuesday waitstaff reportedly warned Jill Stein Tuesday evening that her official Green Party response to President Trump’s congressional address was disturbing the restaurant’s other patrons. “Excuse me, ma’am, but if you wouldn’t mind lowering your voice a bit so other guests can enjoy their meals,” server Teresa Whitman politely asked Stein, who had spent the last several minutes railing against Trump’s plan to lower the corporate tax rate by 20 percent in front of a corner booth containing four other members of the Green Party. “We appreciate your dining with us this evening, but multiple tables have complained that your shouting about excessive military spending is upsetting their children. If you can’t speak at a reasonable volume, we’ll have no choice but to ask you to leave.” At press time, a defiant Stein was arguing that she had already purchased several rounds of Ruby Relaxer cocktails and was therefore entitled to denounce Trump’s proposal to cut $54 billion from non-defense-related federal programs as loudly as she wanted.
Pence Passing Time During Trump’s Speech By Mentally Baptizing Senators #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to keep himself virtuously occupied during President Donald Trump’s speech to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly passing time by mentally baptizing all of the senators in attendance. “Do you desire to obtain eternal life in the church of God through your faith in Jesus Christ?” Pence imagined himself asking every senator in the chamber, contentedly working his way down the aisles to welcome each of the legislators into the fold by tipping their head into the cleansing waters of the Lord. “Upon your profession of faith and accordance with the Lord’s command, I baptize you, Senator Feinstein of California, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. May His everlasting light be with you always. Let us pray.” At press time, Pence had reportedly begun mentally stoning all 435 fornicators in the House of Representatives as the president’s speech entered its second hour. 
Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests #~# WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night. “My fellow citizens, we have an ambitious agenda ahead of us,” said the president before laying out a far-reaching plan to establish hundreds of new protests across the country that will draw millions of Americans onto major city thoroughfares and outside state capitol buildings, and more still to march on Washington. “We’ve already started to realize some of this vision, but, folks, this is just the beginning. We have a long way to go. Things are going to be much different under this administration.” Trump cautioned, however, that in order for his dream of immense nationwide protests to reach its full and historic potential, he would need Congress to be on board with his ideas.
Acoustic-Guitar-Wielding Trump Tells Congress ‘This Here’s The Story Of America’ #~# WASHINGTON—Pulling around the acoustic guitar slung over his back and slowly strumming a D chord that rang throughout the House Chamber, President Donald Trump performed his self-written song “The Story Of America” Tuesday night before a joint session of Congress. “Well, our tale begins way back in 1775 in the American colonies, when a group of men took on a tyrannical king who had forced them to live on their knees,” said Trump, who sat atop the rostrum while playing the four-minute-long fingerpicked song that told of Washington crossing the Delaware River and how the patriot Nathan Hale “swung from a tree in the name of liberty.” “So each time you gaze upon the beautiful red, white, and blue, remember the brave men who risked their heads to secure freedom for me and you. Now, everybody clap along!” After concluding the song and pausing to retune the strings of his guitar, Trump reportedly then began playing a slow ballad called “When Uncle Sam Got Jew’d.”
Jake Hyland Of Kansas City, MO Chosen As Nation’s Designated Survivor In Case Rest Of Country Wiped Out During Presidential Address #~# WASHINGTON—As part of the standard contingency plan to ensure continuity of the American populace following a major catastrophe, sources confirmed that Jake Hyland of Kansas City, MO will serve as the nation’s designated survivor during President Donald Trump’s Tuesday evening address to Congress. “In the event that a terrorist attack or other disaster kills the other 324 million U.S. citizens tonight, Mr. Hyland would serve the vital role of assuming all the duties of the American people going forward,” said Secret Service director Joseph Clancy, adding that the 43-year-old digital marketing manager has already been escorted to a secure, undisclosed location, where he will remain throughout Trump’s speech until authorities deem that the entire country’s population is no longer at risk of being collectively wiped out in a single cataclysmic event. “Mr. Hyland is currently being briefed on all necessary protocol and will be fully prepared to act as the sole remaining member of the country’s citizenry if necessary.” Clancy stressed, however, that order of succession would fall to higher-ranking Americans such as 57-year-old Jessica Perry of Fort Wayne, IN or 49-year-old Alexis Monroe of Harrisburg, PA if they were to also survive.
Chicago Sets Warm Winter Record #~# The National Weather Service confirms that for the first time since recordkeeping began 146 years ago, Chicago will go the entire months of January and February without any snow on the ground. What do you think?
Kid Coming From P.E. Spends Entire Math Class Absolutely Drenched In Sweat #~# TRENTON, NJ—Having arrived directly from the school gym where he played three-on-three basketball for 45 minutes, local 10th-grader Alex McKean reportedly spent the entirety of his math class Tuesday absolutely drenched in sweat. Early reports confirmed that the 15-year-old, who first entered the classroom with his sweat-stained T-shirt clinging to his body, immediately sprawled out on a chair in the back row, with beads of perspiration continuing to stream down his forehead, neck, and arms. Completely flushed in the face, the high schooler could also be heard panting heavily well into the first five minutes of the lesson as he tugged repeatedly at the front of his shirt in an effort to cool himself down. In addition to leaving all students in his vicinity visibly disgusted, McKean’s powerful body odor reportedly deterred his teacher from walking anywhere near his section of the classroom for the duration of the lecture. Following the bell, sources confirmed that McKean made a quick stop at a water fountain before showing up to his American history class with water still dripping from his mouth.
Trump To Skip Correspondents’ Dinner #~# President Trump has confirmed he will not attend the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner, the first president to decline since Ronald Reagan in 1981, who was recovering from an assassination attempt. What do you think?
‘Moonlight’ Named Best Picture After Mishap #~# After Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway were handed the wrong Oscars envelope and announced La La Land as Best Picture, the Academy rushed to correct the mistake and clarified that Moonlight had in fact won the evening’s highest honor. What do you think?
How To Protect Yourself Against Hackers #~# Instead of using generic security questions, choose three security riddles that are nigh unsolvable but by one true of heart and mind.
What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle #~# Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of La La Land as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, Moonlight. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
Blake Griffin Claims Basketball Seems Much Rounder Lately #~# LOS ANGELES—Sharing the observation with teammates and coaches, Clippers power forward Blake Griffin reportedly insisted on several occasions Monday that the NBA official game basketball seems much rounder lately. “Now, whenever I touch the ball, it definitely feels way more curvier,” said Griffin, who appeared lost in thought while slowly running his fingers along the basketball’s surface before declaring that the object looked “extra spherical.” “Maybe they started putting in super-strong circles when they make the basketballs, because I swear right now there’s a whole lot more roundness.” At press time, Griffin had reportedly concluded that the basketball was probably pregnant.
‘I’d Like The Crispy Chicken Sandwich’ First Truthful Thing Man Has Said In Weeks #~# ABILENE, TX—In a sudden and surprising moment of candor, local man Brett Hutchings told a Wendy’s cashier Friday “I’d like the Crispy Chicken Sandwich,” reportedly the first truthful statement the 30-year-old has uttered in weeks. “Let me get some fries with that too, please?” Hutchings said, opening up and revealing his frank, unvarnished feelings in a way he has not in approximately 24 days. “And a small—no, make that a medium—vanilla Frosty.” Moments later, Hutchings stated his meal was to-go, which, according to sources, will be the last time he expresses himself genuinely until selecting pizza toppings a full three months from now.
Freelancer Loves Being Able To Barely Scrape By Livelihood On Own Schedule #~# EUGENE, OR—Praising the flexible lifestyle that comes with his manner of employment, local freelancer Martin Abraham told reporters Monday that he loves being able to barely scrape by a livelihood on his own schedule. “I really enjoy the freedom my work affords me in cobbling together just enough to subsist,” said Abraham, noting that unlike his friends who are “chained to office jobs,” he has the latitude to do whatever work is available from a variety of inconsistent, unreliable sources. “The best part is that I can do it from anywhere. I can actually work from a coffee shop where it’ll take me an hour to earn back the cost of the least expensive menu item. And anytime I want to deprive myself of the income I badly need to move out of my parents’ house, I don’t need anyone’s permission to take an afternoon off.” Abraham went on to say that what he loves even more than the flexibility of freelancing is the total autonomy of being on unemployment.
Sweden Seeking ‘Sex Break’ During Workday #~# A Swedish councilman is advocating for a one-hour break during the workday for employees to go home and have sex with their partners, a plan to reduce stress and improve work-life balance. What do you think?
God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice #~# THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.” “I realize he must have performed many good deeds in life in order to get here, but every time that thing opens its mouth I just want to bash my skull in,” said The Creator of All Things, lamenting how the angel’s high-pitched, nasally squawk seemed to carry across the entire expanse of paradise. “Also, the way he pronounces ‘seraphim’ like ‘serathin’ drives me up a fucking wall. I frankly don’t give a shit that he just arrived—there’s no way that fuck is sticking around for all of eternity.” At press time, God had banished the angel to Hell with special instructions for Satan to inflict most of the torment on his vocal cords.
Large Mirror Brought Out Onto Oscars Stage Gets Resounding 6-Minute Standing Ovation #~# LOS ANGELES—Bringing the entire audience to their feet in thunderous applause, a large mirror wheeled onto the stage Sunday evening at the 89th Academy Awards ceremony reportedly received a resounding six-minute-long standing ovation. “Bravo! Bravo! Marvelous!” actor Kevin Spacey was overheard yelling over hundreds of cheering actors, directors, and producers as the 20-foot-long mirror was carefully positioned directly in front of the Dolby Theatre auditorium, the ovation only growing louder the longer it remained onstage. “Simply incredible! We love you!” At press time, the crowd had resumed their seats immediately after the mirror was taken offstage, and Best Foreign Language Film award presenter Gael García Bernal was introduced to a smattering of polite applause.
Dolby Theatre Usher Throws Out Matt Damon For Attempting To Film Oscars With Camcorder #~# LOS ANGELES—Sending a message that there were no celebrities above the rules, a Dolby Theatre usher reportedly kicked actor Matt Damon out from the Oscars Sunday for attempting to film the ceremony with a camcorder. “He managed to film a bunch of awards before he got busted,” said actor Viggo Mortensen, adding that Damon nervously glanced over his shoulder at the attendees around him before discreetly pulling out a Sony Digital8 camcorder and carefully placing the device on his lap for a clear shot of the stage. “Apparently, he snuck it in here by tucking it inside his tuxedo jacket. He even had his finger over the red light so people couldn’t see that he was recording. He might have gotten away with it if the broadcast hadn’t cut to him right as he was putting in a fresh tape.” At press time, sources confirmed that 47 minutes of grainy footage from the ceremony had been uploaded to YouTube by user HollywoodInsider70.
Amazing Affleck Brothers Dazzle Oscars Audience With High-Flying Trapeze Routine #~# LOS ANGELES—In a thrilling display of death-defying acrobatics, the Amazing Affleck Brothers dazzled the Oscars audience Sunday night with a breathtaking high-flying trapeze routine. “Ladies and gentlemen, my brother Casey and I will be performing for you this evening with no safety net—only our aerial skills stand between us and certain death,” said a leotard-clad Ben Affleck, who caused the audience to collectively gasp as he leapt from a platform 50 feet above the Dolby Theatre stage, executed a triple somersault, and was caught upside-down in midair by the younger member of the flying duo. “And now our next acrobatic feat—you might have to make our Oscars posthumous after this one! Drumroll, please!” At press time, the Amazing Affleck Brothers were paying tribute to their late sibling Dylan, who died at last year’s Oscars ceremony during a human pyramid mishap.
Oscars Officials Warn Only Famous Actors Permitted To Get Political In Acceptance Speech #~# LOS ANGELES—In an announcement delivered shortly before the Oscars ceremony began Sunday, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences president Cheryl Boone Isaacs warned the audience that only famous actors would be allowed to get political in their acceptance speeches. “I would like to remind all the nominees present tonight that only Hollywood’s A-list celebrities are permitted to make statements of a political nature while delivering their acceptance speeches,” said Boone Isaacs, noting that any lower-tier star who issues remarks against President Trump or references topics such as the role of the arts in challenging those in power or the contributions immigrants have made to Hollywood would be immediately escorted off the stage and prohibited from reentering the theater. “Even if it’s just a commonplace concern about the environment, please keep it to yourself. And if you’re nominated in any of the non-acting categories, it goes without saying that this especially applies to you.” Boone Isaacs later reportedly singled out actor Lucas Hedges, advising the Manchester By The Sea star not to “fucking try anything.”
Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe. “He’s had a really brutal stretch of ceremonies lately—the Golden Globes; the BAFTAs; the SAG Awards—so it’s not surprising he’s banged up,” said Pitt’s publicist, Cynthia Pett-Dante, explaining that an MRI revealed the tendons supporting the joint were badly sprained due to the repetitive stress of stopping on red carpets to wave and then pushing off again on the right big toe. “He started feeling some discomfort around the Critics’ Choice Awards and tried to address it by wrapping the toe in some tape under his Ferragamo shoes, but it eventually gave out. He’s obviously devastated to be sitting out the rest of awards season and not being out there alongside his fellow A-listers.” Pett-Dante went on to say that after the healing period, they’d begin slowly seeing how he does on some smaller premieres and press junkets to ensure a smooth recovery.
‘The Onion’ Formally Invites All Oscars Attendees To Our Official After-Party In The Village Of Sakteng, Bhutan #~# On Sunday night, all eyes will be on Hollywood, as the silver screen’s biggest stars gather for a celebration of the year’s greatest moments in cinema. The Academy Awards, now in its 89th year, is a grand and glamorous tribute to the touching performances and technical artistry that, over the past 12 months, made us laugh, cry, and feel closer together. However, given all the joy and entertainment that the film industry has provided to the viewing public, it is the firm belief of this newspaper that these accomplished thespians, screenwriters, directors, and producers deserve far more than just the three and a half hours of recognition they will receive during tonight’s ceremony.
‘Wall Street Journal’ Reintroduces Nudes After Failed Yearlong Experiment #~# NEW YORK—Reversing the highly publicized and controversial change to its pages, The Wall Street Journal announced Friday that the daily newspaper will resume featuring nude photographs after a failed yearlong experiment with nudity-free issues. “While we remain committed to updating the paper for a contemporary audience, we’ve come to realize that tasteful nudity has always been part of what makes The Wall Street Journal so beloved by our readers,” said editor-in-chief Gerard Baker, adding that beginning with the following week’s Monday edition, the Journal’s signature pictorials of topless and fully naked women will return alongside its award-winning reporting, business-focused news coverage, and weekly columns from Peggy Noonan and Holman W. Jenkins Jr. “Flipping to page C6 every morning and opening the centerfold featuring that day’s ‘Boardroom Babe’ is part of what makes the Journal the venerable institution that it is. By bringing back nudity, we are embracing The Wall Street Journal’s original guiding philosophy, which celebrates a lifestyle of hard-hitting news, economic analysis, and appreciation of the female form.” Baker went on to say that as a consequence of the change, The Wall Street Journal will once again be wrapped in plastic on newsstands and will be illegal to purchase by anyone under the age of 18.
Study: Bees Capable Of Complex Learning #~# New research has provided astounding insight on the intelligence of bees, who can quickly learn to imitate and then improve upon tricks taught to them by scientists. What do you think?
Child Protective Services Take 80 Million Children Into Custody After Discovering No One In Country Fit To Be Parent #~# WASHINGTON—Saying no one in the country is responsible or reliable enough to serve as a legal guardian, child protective services officials from all 50 states confirmed Friday that they had found all of the nation’s adults unfit to be parents and had taken custody of approximately 80 million children.
Kremlin Agent Not Even Going To Bother Trying To Compromise Trump Staffer Who Will Be Forced To Resign In Few Months #~# MOSCOW—Saying he did not want to waste his energy, Kremlin agent Pyotr Vasiliev told reporters Friday that he would not even bother trying to compromise a Trump staffer he knew will be forced to resign in a few months. “What’s the point of putting in the effort to exploit him when it’s so obvious that he’s just going to get the boot by May at the latest?” said Vasiliev, adding that he saw no real reason to blackmail someone who was well on his way to being pushed out regardless. “It’s a lot of work to prepare dossiers on these people, and it’s just not worth it if they won’t even be around long enough to manipulate. Seriously, why should I gather all this intelligence on someone if I’m just going to wake up one day to a press conference where he announces he’s stepping down, effective immediately?” At press time, Vasiliev had decided to refocus his attention on President Trump, who he believed would not be forced to resign for at least another year.
The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks #~# The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
Jerry Jones Unveils Plans For Extravagant 100,000-Seat Cowboys Owner’s Box #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Boasting that it will provide the most extraordinary game-day atmosphere ever conceived, Jerry Jones officially unveiled plans Friday for an extravagant new 100,000-seat Dallas Cowboys owner’s box. “Beginning in 2019, friends and family of the Cowboys ownership will be able to enjoy all the action from the comfort of our state-of-the-art, 3-million-square-foot owner’s box,” said Jones, adding that a 250-foot-wide LCD Jumbotron will hang in the center of the luxury suite, which is also expected to accommodate indoor fireworks shows and live musical performances during halftime. “With perfect sight lines and extra-wide aisles throughout each of its 60 sections, our owner’s box will offer a viewing experience unparalleled by that of any other stadium suite in the world. Plus, with 30 concession stands, five sports bars, and a full-service Johnny Rockets, guests of the ownership will never go hungry on Sunday. I am excited to deliver an owner’s box that truly reflects the pride and spirit of the Dallas Cowboys.” Jones went on to say that the current owner’s box will be preserved and placed on display inside the new suite’s Cowboys History Museum.
Harvard Names Rihanna Humanitarian Of The Year #~# Pop singer Rihanna has been named Harvard’s 2017 Humanitarian Of The Year in recognition of the oncology center she has built in her native Barbados. What do you think? 
Shy Ex-Citigroup Executive Struggling To Fit In With Popular Clique Of Ex–Goldman Sachs Executives At White House #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the tight-knit group rarely associated with others, shy ex-Citigroup executive Harold Burke told reporters Friday that he has been struggling to fit in with the popular clique of ex–Goldman Sachs executives at the White House. “They’ve all known each other for years, and they have all kinds of inside jokes, so it’s really hard to break in,” said Burke, adding that he has tried several times to hang out with Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, National Economic Council director Gary Cohn, and several other former Goldman Sachs executives, but always felt excluded. “I see them in the hallways at the White House all the time, but I might as well be invisible. Every once in a while, I’ll eat lunch with the guy from JPMorgan Chase. Usually, though, I just end up finding a quiet stairwell by the East Wing and sitting alone.” At press time, Burke had resigned himself to making friends with the group of weird oil industry guys who always hang out by the Capitol.
Trump Rolls Back Transgender Protections #~# The Trump administration will lift Obama’s protections of transgender students’ right to use the bathroom of their choice, claiming these protections were never properly vetted. What do you think?
Key Halftime Adjustments Propel Fourth-Grade Rec Basketball Team To 8-Point Third Quarter #~# WARREN, MI—Completing a stunning turnaround after the opposing team had jumped out to a commanding two-score lead, a local fourth-grade recreational basketball team made several key halftime adjustments Wednesday night that propelled them to a dominant eight-point third quarter. “We had a rough start, but deciding to put the ball in [guard Michael] Higgins’ hands really paid off when he absolutely caught fire by going two-of-nine in the second half,” said coach Jeff Hornyak, who also credited the addition of a second play for the team’s offensive explosion of four unanswered points over the first seven minutes of the third quarter. “Of course, Tyler [Guertner] also came up huge with a two-pointer after we told him to concentrate on using the backboard to bank in layups instead of launching airballs from several feet behind the three-point line, and our renewed emphasis on getting to the foul line worked out perfectly once we finally sank one. This was easily the most impressive game I’ve seen from these guys all year.” While pleased with his team’s offensive firepower, Hornyak added that none of it would have been possible without 5-foot-tall center Patrick Clark’s 37 rebounds.
Nation’s Schools To Ensure Bullied Transgender Students Hide In Stalls Of Bathrooms Corresponding To Biological Sex #~# WASHINGTON—Reversing federal guidelines to public schools issued by the Obama administration, Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced Thursday that states and local school districts would be charged with ensuring that bullied transgender students hide in bathroom stalls corresponding to their biological sex. “We need to make certain that harassed transgender students are fleeing to bathrooms consistent with the sex they were assigned at birth so that they can sit perfectly still with their feet pulled up on a toilet seat in an appropriate setting,” said Sessions, adding that transgender youths did not have the right to avoid imminent bodily harm in any bathroom stall they wanted. “If a student wishes to cower in a stall and muffle their sobbing because of the beating they’re certain to receive if discovered, they are welcome to—but only in facilities intended for their biological sex.” At press time, a number of transgender students told reporters they would have no choice but to leave campus in order to hide in bathroom stalls several times a day.
Frustrated Russian Officials Struggling To Get Any Policies Through Dysfunctional Trump Administration #~# MOSCOW—Lamenting that internal disorganization was making it extremely difficult to get anything done, Russian officials voiced their frustration Thursday about continuing struggles to get policies through the dysfunctional Trump administration. “You’d think that after being in the White House for a month, they’d have at least some rudimentary process for rolling out our new proposals, but it’s just been a mess so far,” said Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu, adding that the recent dismissal of Michael Flynn as national security advisor was “just the tip of the iceberg” in a chaotic White House where internal conflicts and numerous leaks made it hard for the Russians to implement any workable ideas at all. “Nobody, but nobody, knows who’s in charge. If they’re not dragging their feet getting our new legislative demands in front of Congress, they’re rushing out some executive order before we’ve even finalized it. We don’t know what’s going on half the time, so how on earth are we supposed to get anything accomplished?” An exasperated Shoigu went on to say that the administration was in such disarray, rolling back sanctions might take a year longer than planned, and abandoning NATO might actually be out of the question.
Report: Still A Few Seconds Left Where Plane Low Enough To Crash With Everyone Surviving #~# CHICAGO—Determining that no one had anything to worry about for the time being, passengers aboard a 737 taking off at O’Hare International Airport reported Thursday that the plane would still be low enough for a few seconds longer that it could crash with everyone surviving. “We’re not that high off the ground yet, so if the engines gave out right this instant, it’s very likely that none of us would die,” said passenger Ben Aletta, adding that, for a few fleeting moments, the worst that could happen would be that the plane skidded down the tarmac and a handful of people broke some bones. “Maybe a couple of passengers up front would have to be rushed to the hospital, and maybe some folks not wearing their seatbelt slam their head and get a concussion—but when it was all said and done, we’d all be alive and not dead.” At press time, the plane had reached a height at which every single person on board would be killed in a crash and was scheduled to remain at that altitude for the next four hours.
2016 Sees Record Number Of Female-Led Films #~# New data confirms that, of the top 100 films released in 2016, women starred in a record-high 29 percent of them, with more representation in ensemble casts and more speaking roles overall. What do you think?
Man Leaves Position He Would Kill For 3 Years From Now To Pursue Dream Job #~# NEW YORK—Eager to begin the exciting next chapter in his life, Polaris Market Solutions associate Chris Wardentine left the job he would kill to have back three years from now to pursue his dream of documentary filmmaking, sources confirmed Thursday. “I really do enjoy working here, but sometimes you just have to step out of your comfort zone if you want to achieve all your goals,” said Wardentine, who will be desperate for the reliable salary and other benefits of the job he is boldly exiting once his first project leaves him $40,000 in debt. “Let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger. So if I don’t give it a shot now, then when?” At press time, Wardentine was bidding a fond farewell to the coworkers he will be emailing three years from now about potential openings in any department at the company.
Monopoly To Replace Thimble Piece #~# After crowdsourcing the question of which piece to replace in Monopoly, Hasbro confirmed that the thimble will soon be phased out in favor of one of 56 new options, including a hashtag and an emoji. What do you think? 
Expert On International Jewish Conspiracy Has Never Been More Than 40 Miles Outside Council Bluffs, Iowa #~# COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—As he trumpeted his comprehensive knowledge of the manifold ways that the religious group has colluded to consolidate global power, sources confirmed Wednesday that local man Will Logan, an expert on the international Jewish conspiracy, has never been more than 40 miles outside of Council Bluffs, IA. “The banks, the media, Hollywood—they control it all,” said Logan, a leading authority on the shadowy cabal of Jewry that spans every nation on earth, as well as a man who has never ventured as far as Des Moines, driven for more than an hour in any direction, or boarded an airplane. “They write all the laws themselves and just hand them to the politicians. All those elected officials, they’re just puppets.” Logan, who has also never read a history book, later described how the conspiracy went back centuries.
Daily Meditation Really Helping Man Stay Self-Centered #~# ELLENSBURG, WA—Claiming that the introspective practice has completely changed his life, local man Simon Trimur told reporters Wednesday that his daily meditation routine was really helping him stay self-centered. “Practicing meditation every morning allows me to settle down and really focus on myself,” said Trimur, claiming that just 15 minutes of breathing exercises before work has markedly improved his ability to silence the distracting voices of those around him and foster an enduring sense of egotism. “Before I know it, the needs and wants of others melt away entirely. The weight of their problems just disappears, and all that remains is the peaceful sense that the universe is made for no one but me.” Trimur added that after skipping even a day or two of meditation, he suddenly finds himself infuriatingly distracted by the fact that other people exist.
‘What If We Try This?’ Asks Robotics Grad Student About To Eliminate 30% Of Workforce #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Midway through a routine laboratory session Wednesday, sources say MIT graduate student Evan Ward casually remarked “What if we try this?” before making a small change to a robotic device that will one day eliminate 30 percent of the U.S. workforce.
A Timeline Of The EPA #~# A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history: 
Goose Suddenly Realizes It Doesn’t Have To Honk Like An Idiot Entire Time It’s Flapping Wings #~# ELK RAPIDS, MI—The insight abruptly springing to mind as the bird took flight, a local goose suddenly realized Wednesday that it doesn’t have to honk like an idiot the entire time it’s flapping its wings. “Wow, I guess I don’t need to squawk like a goddamn moron during every single takeoff and landing,” said the Canadian goose, all at once aware that it truly had no reason for screeching like a jackass every time it used its wings in the slightest, let alone merely waddled around on some grass. “I feel pretty stupid for all the years I’ve spent bellowing my lungs out like a real grade-A dope. I saw a duck glide quietly onto a pond the other day, and it made me realize what a fucking racket I must have been making all this time.” At press time, the goose was startled by the realization that it didn’t have to veer dangerously close to an oncoming jet engine every single time it took to the sky.
Police Finally Make Breakthrough In Decades-Old Marijuana Possession Cold Case #~# AMARILLO, TX—Stating that the pivotal new evidence has helped them get significantly closer to zeroing in on a suspect, the Amarillo Police Department announced Wednesday that they have finally made a breakthrough in a decades-old marijuana possession cold case. “Despite multiple interrogations and stakeouts, the trail went cold shortly after we discovered that dime bag by the 7-Eleven on that fateful day in 1976—that is, until one of our detectives, acting on a hunch, ran some tests on a soda can pipe and Donald Duck lighter confiscated by a nearby high school around the same time,” said police spokesperson Hank Rampart, adding that they couldn’t believe such a huge clue was just sitting there right before their eyes for more than 40 years. “We’ve now fully reopened the case and have put all of our top agents on it. Given this crucial development, it should only be a matter of time until we bring the perpetrator to justice.” Rampart went on to say that whoever this sick person was, they could count on being put away for a long, long time.
Legalizing Gay Marriage Lowers Teen Suicide #~# A new study found that in states whose laws changed to allow same-sex marriage from 1999-2015, the suicide rate among gay teens decreased by an average of 14 percent. What do you think?
30-Million-Year-Old Species Worried It Doesn’t Have Another Evolution In It #~# WASATCH RANGE, UT—Having spent thousands of millennia adapting to changes in habitat and climate, the American pika told reporters Wednesday that the 30-million-year-old species is worried it doesn’t have another evolution in it. “Honestly, I think the cycle where we developed longer, denser fur to live in cold, mountainous regions may have been the last hurrah,” said the small herbivorous mammal, adding that differentiating itself from rabbits during the Oligocene epoch took an awful lot out of it. “Let’s face it, I’m not 15 million years old anymore. Maybe I should just be proud of our distinctive high-pitched alarm call and accept that this is as far as natural selection is going to take us. At a certain point, you have to come to terms with the fact that you might be as evolved as you’re going to get.” The pika went on to say that while it might be evolutionarily advantageous to develop more nocturnal traits to help the species stay cooler during warmer seasons, it was getting exhausted just thinking about it.
Milo Yiannopoulos’ Book Canceled #~# Publisher Simon & Schuster has canceled their $250,000 book deal with Milo Yiannopoulos after recent interviews in which the right-wing extremist condemned age of consent laws. What do you think?
8-Year-Old Can Already Tell Image Of Dad Puking Stuck In Memory Forever #~# EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Having just witnessed his father retch uncontrollably from a bout of food poisoning, local 8-year-old Jacob Zimmer told reporters Tuesday that he could already tell the image of his dad puking would be ingrained in his memory forever. “From this day forward, I will never forget the sight of my dad throwing up with tears running down his face—it is stuck in my mind for good,” said the second-grader, predicting that even as an adult he would be able to recall with ease the horrible sound of his father groaning as he missed the toilet bowl and spewed some of the viscous brown-and-white mixture onto the bathroom wall. “Years from now—at my high school graduation; at my wedding; when he’s holding my newborn child—whenever I think ‘Dad,’ the image of him kneeling on the bathroom floor and dry heaving until vomiting bile will be one of the first things that flashes through my mind, if not the very first.” Sources later confirmed that the memory would eventually be supplanted at his brother’s bachelor party in 2036 when his father receives an awkward lap dance from a woman one-third his age.
NBA Fan Still Hasn’t Gotten Used To Seeing Zaza Pachulia In A Warriors Uniform #~# NEW YORK—Saying that he is thrown for a loop every time he sees the player this season, local 29-year-old NBA fan Jon Westmoreland admitted to reporters Tuesday that he still hasn’t become accustomed to the sight of veteran center Zaza Pachulia in a Golden State Warriors uniform. “It just doesn’t look right, seeing Zaza in that blue-and-gold jersey with the Warriors logo on his chest,” said Westmoreland, adding that after years of watching the Georgian big man play for the Magic, Bucks, Hawks, and Mavericks, it’s strange to see Pachulia wearing anything other than an electric-blue, green, red-and-black, or royal-blue uniform. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it. I wish he had just stayed in Orlando, Atlanta, Milwaukee, or Dallas.” Westmoreland added that he believes Pachulia “sold out” when the center decided to join forces with Warriors stars Kevon Looney, Ian Clark, and Patrick McCaw.
Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday #~# CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday. “I have no idea if this exhaustion I’m feeling means I’m coming down with something or if I’m just getting back from the office,” said Markowski, who noticed his body becoming achy throughout the day either from contracting an illness or the effects of his regular Monday-through-Friday routine. “I’m completely drained and lightheaded. I feel like this every day when I leave work, of course, but that doesn’t mean I’m not also coming down with something. Whatever it is, I really need to lie down.” At press time, Markowski was waking up to nausea and a headache that either meant he was getting sicker or merely that he remembered the stack of paperwork waiting for him.
The Safest Place To Be During A Tornado Is In My Arms #~# As tornado season approaches in many parts of the country, it’s my job to remind the public that these storms can be dangerous and often strike without warning. That’s why preparation is crucial. Whether you’ve heard it many times before or are hearing it now for the very first time, it bears repeating that the safest place to be when a tornado hits is right here in my arms.
FBI Panicking After Learning Encrypted National Security Communications May Have Been Intercepted By Trump Administration #~# WASHINGTON—Fearing the information had already fallen into the wrong hands, the FBI was panicking Tuesday after learning encrypted national security communications may have been intercepted by the Trump administration. “We are incredibly troubled to have learned that transmissions vital to homeland security could have been captured and decrypted by President Trump’s staff,” said FBI director James Comey, who said agency servers were rapidly being destroyed as a precaution while an urgent investigation was conducted. “If it turns out that Trump officials have indeed acquired these correspondences, it could mean the entire United States security architecture is compromised. We want to assure the American people, however, that we are doing absolutely everything in our power to determine what, if anything, has been obtained by these volatile and dangerous individuals.” At press time, the FBI’s worst fears had not yet been realized, as the Trump administration did not appear to be acting on any information from national security agencies whatsoever.
Man Struggling To Pierce Orange Peel With Fingernail Under Impression He Could Kill If He Had To #~# CULLMAN, AL—Growing increasingly frustrated as he tried out different entry points on the fruit, local man Alex Overton struggled to pierce an orange peel with his fingernail Monday, all the while firmly under the impression that he could kill someone if he had to. “God, why won’t this dang thing come off?” said Overton, who is confident that he could take the life of another human being if circumstances ever necessitated it. “I seriously have no idea how I’m supposed to eat this. Maybe I have to get a knife or something.” At press time, Overton, who reportedly firmly believes that not only could he kill someone, but do so with his bare hands if given no other choice, was rushing to a sink to rinse out his eyes after being squirted by the orange’s juice.
Warm, Syrupy Pleasure Coursing Through Man’s Veins After Big Hit Of Mattress #~# OGDENSBURG, NJ—Taking hold of his body almost immediately, warm, syrupy pleasure was coursing through the veins of area man Matt Riley after the 30-year-old took a huge hit of mattress, sources said Monday. “Oh, God, that’s it, yeahhhh,” said a slumping Riley, whose eyes rolled back in his head as he nodded off, euphoria pulsating along his every nerve and obliterating all the pain in his life. “Ahhhh, yes, that’s good shit, tha—mmmmmmmmm.” At press time, a sweating, panicked Riley had come down from his state of bliss after waking up and was now thinking about nothing else but his next fix.
Expiration Labels Get An Update #~# The Grocery Manufacturers Association proposed changes to the often confusing expiration labels on food, suggesting a more universal system of “use by” for food that spoils, and “best if used by” for food that’s simply fresher if consumed immediately. What do you think?
Last Remaining Ivory-Billed Woodpecker Really Squandering Species’ Final Weeks #~# HOT SPRINGS, AR—Noting that what little time remained was quickly slipping away, sources confirmed Monday that the last remaining ivory-billed woodpecker was completely squandering the species’ final weeks of existence. “He’s got maybe a month left on the planet, and that dumbass is totally blowing it by standing around doing nothing all day on a goddamn tree branch,” said local birdwatcher Lamar Campbell, adding that the critically endangered woodpecker was frittering away precious time just sitting in its nest preening its feathers. “What the fuck is wrong with this thing? It’s the last one of its kind, and it’s just singing some stupid song like there’s another fucking woodpecker around to even hear it. Real good use of your short time on Earth, idiot.” At press time, the woodpecker had completely wasted the very last seconds of its entire species by hopping around on the ground with a stick in its beak, with most onlookers reportedly not very upset to see the moron go.
A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life #~# Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:
The American Presidency #~# From building a brand new nation, to safeguarding the ideals of liberty and democracy around the world, to moving on her like a bitch, The Onion takes a closer look at each of America’s presidents.
American Girl Introduces Male Doll #~# For the first time in their 31-year history, American Girl is releasing a male “American Boy” doll named Logan Everett, a drummer from Nashville. What do you think?
Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia #~# Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
A Primer On History’s Greatest Presidents #~# In honor of President’s Day, The Onion provides a primer on the country’s most noteworthy commanders-in-chief.
Trump Staffer Grateful To Work With So Many People He Could Turn Over To FBI In Exchange For Immunity #~# WASHINGTON—Fully mindful of the privilege he enjoyed, Trump administration staffer Greg Potreski told reporters Friday that he was grateful to be working with so many individuals he could turn over to the FBI in exchange for immunity. “It’s such an honor to be surrounded by almost countless people who, if it ever came down to it, I could hand over to the authorities in order to escape prosecution,” said Potreski, adding that he never imagined he’d find himself in a workplace that was staffed wall-to-wall with professionals whose comparatively more serious crimes he could expose to save himself. “I’ve held positions in government before, but I’ve never had an experience like this—there’s an opportunity for me to do no jail time in every single office. I learn so much just by talking to these folks.” When asked by reporters, Potreski’s colleagues said they were equally grateful to have someone like him at work.
Pickup Football Pioneer Credited With Idea For ‘5 Mississippi’ Blitz Count Dead At 94 #~# CHATTANOOGA, TN—Hailing him as a revolutionary figure who forever changed the way the game was played, sources confirmed Friday that Art Folson, the pickup football pioneer credited with introducing the famed “Five Mississippi” blitz count, has passed away at the age of 94. “Art was a true visionary, and his innovative idea to prohibit defenders from rushing the quarterback until they said ‘Mississippi’ five times succeeded in increasing scoring and encouraged the development of more complex defenses,” said former teammate Norman McBride, 90, adding that Folson’s numerous other contributions, such as allowing the quarterback to start each play with the ball in his hands and proposing that two completions equaled a first down, guided the sport through its uncertain formative years. “Of course, without Art’s suggestion that we simply throw the ball to the other team on kickoffs, pickup football teams might still be punting balls wildly out of bounds after every single touchdown. He was one of the game’s most brilliant minds, and his legacy will forever live on in the countless pickup football games played across this country every single day.” Family members confirmed that Folson will be buried in his trademark blue sweatshirt that was the first to ever be used to mark the boundary of an end zone.
Humiliated Man Discovers Embroidery On His Jean Pockets #~# CHICAGO—Growing increasingly ashamed as he imagined how many people must have already noticed, local man Matt Quinlan was reportedly humiliated Friday upon discovering ornate embroidery on his jeans’ back pocket. “Oh, God, how did I miss this shit?” said Quinlan, 29, who cringed upon realizing that his shirt was not long enough to cover up the garish decorative stitches that would be in full view for the rest of the day. “Christ, I can’t just walk around with this thing on my pants—everyone can see it. Goddammit. How did I miss this at the store?” At press time, a relieved Quinlan had managed to salvage the pants by cutting off the flashy back pocket with a pair of scissors. 
Open-Minded Man Tries To Get News From Variety Of Facebook Friends #~# PHILADELPHIA—Stressing the importance of hearing all sides of a story, open-minded man Brendan Kelly told reporters Friday that he always tries to get his news from a variety of Facebook friends. “For a long time, I’d just get news from my buddy Mark, but then I realized how much I was closing myself off to other perspectives,” said Kelly, adding that it is all too easy to get caught up in narrow ways of thinking, and that he now seeks out at least three or four of his friends’ posts on any given topic to ensure he’s getting the full picture. “I’ll check out high school friends, college friends, work friends—it’s important to get a good mix. I’d be doing myself a real disservice if I blindly believed claims my friend Kevin made without at least trying to verify them with comments from Heather or Dan. You can’t just accept whatever’s fed to you, you know?” Kelly went on to say that while it was essential to get his news from a variety of Facebook friends, it was equally important to avoid obviously fringe sources such as Doug.
‘Love Actually’ Sequel In The Works #~# To honor the charity event Red Nose Day this May, filmmaker Richard Curtis will produce a brief miniature sequel to his 2003 smash hit Love Actually, checking in on many of the original characters. What do you think?
Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault. “Clearly, something doesn’t add up about that kid, but I can’t quite put my finger on it,” said Salt Lake City resident Bethany Robbins, one of the hundreds of millions of Americans made uncomfortable by the combination of the boy’s bowl haircut, unnaturally erect posture, and unflinching stare. “Maybe it’s the strange tone of his voice? Or the way he swings his hands when he walks? Like, just a little too much. Whatever’s going on, it’s simply not normal.” Reached for comment, Nault reportedly narrowed his eyes and smiled slowly using only one side of his mouth.
Scientists Propose Rebuilding Arctic Ice #~# Arizona State University scientists have proposed a $500 billion plan to install millions of mechanical pumps in the Arctic Ocean that draw up water and spill it onto polar ice to freeze, growing the total ice surface. What do you think?
Gary Bettman Issues Pardon For Steve Yzerman’s 1997 Slashing Penalty #~# NEW YORK—Acknowledging that the referee’s original ruling represented a grave miscarriage of justice, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman issued an official pardon Thursday to former Detroit Red Wings center Steve Yzerman for his 1997 slashing penalty against the Phoenix Coyotes. “Today’s decision to clear Mr. Yzerman of any wrongdoing in this incident is an important reminder that while our league’s penalty system is not perfect, it is never too late to correct our mistakes,” Bettman said during a press conference, adding that Yzerman’s exoneration was prompted by the discovery of new video evidence confirming that the 10-time All-Star never actually struck Coyotes left winger Keith Tkachuk’s stick in the second period of the January 9, 1997 regular-season game. “While Mr. Yzerman will never get back the two minutes he served in the penalty box, we can amend the record to reflect his innocence and restore his good name. It is my sincere hope that this will finally begin the healing process for him and his loved ones.” League sources confirmed, however, that Bettman plans to deny former Montreal Canadiens center Jean Beliveau a posthumous pardon for a controversial 1970 tripping incident despite a widespread petition started by the deceased Hall of Famer’s family.
Mar-A-Lago Member Complains About Loud, Obnoxious Cabinet Meeting At Next Table #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Saying that the noisy group was really getting on his nerves, Mar-a-Lago country club member Walter Forsyth reportedly complained to the management Thursday about the obnoxious U.S. cabinet meeting seated at the next table. “I just wanted a nice, quiet dinner, but this rowdy table of high-ranking government officials keeps rudely shouting about classified policy initiatives,” said Forsyth, adding that more than a dozen raucous aides and advisors had pulled up chairs to a table that was clearly only meant to seat six. “I didn’t pay all this money in membership fees to have these insufferable officials barge in and take over the entire dining room with their piles of sensitive documents spread out everywhere like no one else is even here. I’m just trying to enjoy the prime rib, and they’re on their phones loudly talking to some foreign leader. This is the same disrespectful group, of course, that was yelling about North Korea in the spa.” At press time, a waiter was politely asking the party to take their conversation about the Iran nuclear deal into the bar area or the lobby.
26-Year-Old Feeling Self-Conscious After Seeing All His Friends Fail Slightly Less Than Him #~# NEW YORK—Saying it was hard not to unfavorably compare himself to his peers, part-time catering assistant Ian Presser, 26, told reporters Thursday that he feels self-conscious after always seeing his friends fail slightly less than him. “When everyone in my social circle is making $1.50 an hour more than me and lasting six months at their jobs before getting fired, I can’t help feeling like I don’t stack up,” said Presser, adding that his friends’ total ineptitude at maintaining healthy relationships makes him acutely aware of his inability to land a single date. “Am I happy for them? Sure. But it still really stings when I hear that my buddy is pulling in 28 G’s and living in a one-bedroom with only two other roommates. It’s like, ‘What am I doing wrong?’” Presser went on to say that he at least took some solace in the fact that he lasted a semester longer than his brother before dropping out of college.
Scientists Approve Gene Editing In Embryos #~# A 21-member science policy committee has determined it is ethically sound to one day genetically edit human embryos, though only to prevent disease and disability when no “reasonable alternative” is available. What do you think?
Surgeon General Recommends Twisting Head Far Enough Until You Hear Little Pop #~# WASHINGTON—Describing the act as small but incredibly satisfying, U.S. surgeon general Vivek Murthy urged all Americans Thursday to twist their head far enough until they hear a little pop. “We strongly advise everyone to pivot their head in one direction and just keep going until you hear a good crack,” said Murthy at a press conference, adding that citizens should not just stop there but to make sure to do the other side as well. “It might take a few tries, but you’ll definitely feel a solid pop when it happens. You can put your palm on the bottom of your chin in case you need a little extra push. We also recommend rolling your head around a bit afterward—get it nice and loose.” Murthy later advised Americans, once they’ve twisted their head, to crack all their knuckles one by one.
Everyday Internet Safety Tips #~# Set up two-step verification on all your devices in order to enmesh yourself in an interconnected web of technological dependency from which you cannot escape. 
German Shepherd Wins Best In Show At Westminster #~# Rumor, a German shepherd from Wisconsin, has won the Westminster Dog Show’s top prize, only the second of her breed to win throughout the show’s 140-year history. What do you think?
Surgically Altered Obama Doubles Struggling To Find Work After Presidency #~# WASHINGTON—Returning to the private sector after eight years of service as presidential decoys, the White House’s team of surgically altered Barack Obama body doubles are reportedly struggling to find work since losing their jobs last month.
What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia #~# New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
Report: Majority Of Diner’s Salt And Pepper Shakers Currently Being Used To Diagram Elaborately Planned Bank Heists #~# TRENTON, NJ—According to sources at the Tip Top Diner, at least 80 percent of the restaurant’s salt and pepper shakers are currently being used by shifty-eyed patrons to map out elaborate bank heists. Among the diner’s 26 tables, roughly half were using one shaker to represent armed guards and one for the heist crew, while the other half—periodically scanning their surroundings for eavesdroppers—were sliding sugar packets across the table to illustrate the movement of a getaway car. According to sources, one table had reportedly gone so far as to assemble a rough layout of the bank’s interior using their coffee cups and cutlery, arranging an assortment of single-serving jams and butters into the rough outline of a bank vault. At press time, 30 percent of the diner’s customers had accidentally knocked over their entire setups after being caught off guard by the check.
Michael Flynn Resigns #~# National security adviser Michael Flynn has resigned from his post after it was discovered that he held discussions with Russian officials that left him vulnerable to blackmail. What do you think?
Paul Ryan Grudgingly Impressed By Angry Protester Who’s Matched His Running Pace For 9 Miles #~# WASHINGTON—Marveling at the outraged, shouting woman’s conditioning, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters Tuesday he could not help but be impressed by the infuriated protester who had been keeping up with his running pace for the last nine miles. “She’s extremely irritating, and I absolutely disagree with her political views, but I’ve got to hand it to her for maintaining a consistent seven-minute mile this whole time,” said Ryan during a morning run around the Tidal Basin, adding that the woman’s stamina was particularly impressive considering she had sustained a steady chant of “Do your job!” since she caught up with the Wisconsin Republican alongside the Jefferson Memorial more than an hour earlier. “I honestly thought she would have lost steam on lap three and given up, but her endurance and aerobic capacity are absolutely incredible. She hasn’t lowered her sign even once. I wonder what kind of regimen she’s on.” After a quick cooldown, Ryan told reporters the protester’s energy had been particularly helpful in preparing him for an upcoming triathlon, and he hoped the woman would be back again at 6 a.m. tomorrow to take him to task for having no viable Obamacare alternative. 
A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History #~# Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
America Celebrates Valentine’s Day #~# Across the nation, Americans are finding unique ways to express their love for their significant others. How will you celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Mental Illness Determined Not To Let Stigma Of Area Man Define It #~# ASHEVILLE, NC—Saying it refused to be pigeonholed by widespread misconceptions about its condition, the mental illness of area man Greg Luger told reporters Tuesday that it was determined not to let the societal stigma associated with the 31-year-old define it. “There’s always been a lot of shame associated with Greg,” said Luger’s depressive disorder, adding that until now, it had spent its entire life actively trying to hide the fact that it suffers from Greg and convincing itself that Greg was just a symptom of its own weakness. “When people find out that I’m struggling with Greg, they perceive me differently. And, look, I get it—if you don’t suffer from Greg, it can be hard to understand something that does. But just because I have this one serious problem doesn’t mean I want to be pitied or avoided. I was born with Greg, but I’m more than him. Much, much more.” At press time, a boost in medication dosage was making Greg marginally easier to cope with.
Scientists Developing Pollinating ‘Bee Drones’ #~# In response to the global die-off of the crucial bee population, scientists in Japan have developed drones that can simulate the bees’ pickup and dropoff of pollen on different plants. What do you think?
Neil Gorsuch Vows To Interpret Constitution Using Scalia’s Original Intent #~# WASHINGTON—Pledging to defend the highest laws of the United States as objectively and consistently as possible, Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch vowed Monday that if confirmed, he would interpret the Constitution in accordance with former Associate Justice Antonin Scalia’s original intent. “The Constitution is not a living document to be reinterpreted in light of new values, but one that was meant to be understood according to the opinion originally laid down by Justice Scalia,” said Gorsuch, who promised to strictly adhere to the letter of Scalia’s jurisprudence when ruling on all cases before the court. “When Justice Scalia first wrote his opinions on subjects like civil rights and the commerce clause, he set down a blueprint that all justices should follow. Our job should always be to respect those original words, not to redefine them to fit modern attitudes.” Gorsuch added that Scalia’s original intent was still a reliable guide to evaluating the nation’s laws, even if the country we lived in was no longer one the associate justice would have recognized.
Officials Struggling To Condense Trump’s Intelligence Briefing Down To One Word #~# WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were working hard to provide important national security updates to the new commander-in-chief in a manner he found most useful and actionable, intelligence officials confirmed Monday they have been struggling to condense President Donald Trump’s briefings down to a single word. “The president prefers his briefs to be concise and straightforward, preferably no longer than two or three syllables, so we’re now focusing on compressing each day’s classified intel and any intercepted geopolitical chatter down to the sole most salient word,” said Deputy National Security Advisor K.T. McFarland, adding that a team of staffers had been tasked with stripping each briefing of the overly technical or complex details that President Trump disliked, such as arcane insider terminology, multiple bullet points, and any compound or hyphenated words. “The president tends to grow frustrated if crucial intelligence is not delivered within the first seven letters or so. We recently gave him a briefing that consisted only of the term ‘nuclear proliferation,’ but he clearly became distracted by the end of the first word, so we shortened it to simply read ‘bomb,’ and he seemed to respond well to that.” At press time, McFarland confirmed President Trump had asked officials to continue formatting his daily intelligence memos in the model of his most recent briefing, which consisted entirely of a brightly colored clip-art fighter jet.
Vacationing Uncle Posts Terse, Emotionless Facebook Update From Cruise Ship #~# NASSAU, BAHAMAS—Coming a full five days into the eight-day voyage, Russell family sources reported Monday that Uncle Neil had posted a terse, emotionless Facebook post from his cruise ship vacation, thus far the only dispatch from the week-long tropical getaway. Noting that the update failed to even mention the lavish buffets, sun-drenched decks, or any of the well-appointed cruise ship’s other amenities, family members said that the post instead contained a photo of a nondescript cabin simply captioned “Our room.” Sources added that the update neglected to refer to any beautiful island locales or points of historical interest at which the cruise ship had docked, and that the only indication that Uncle Neil’s family had accompanied him on the cruise at all was an image of a blurry plate of food that inadvertently included what appeared to be Aunt Ellen’s arm. At press time, no one had commented on the post, but it had been liked by two of Uncle Neil’s coworkers.
Alcoholic’s Plan For Turning Life Around Doesn’t Involve Getting Sober #~# SAVANNAH, GA—Realizing something needed to change before it was too late, local alcoholic Darren Weller laid out a plan for turning his life around Monday that had absolutely nothing to do with getting sober. “Today’s the day that I finally clean up my act and start taking the steps I need to better myself,” said the visibly intoxicated Weller to his fellow bar patrons, outlining a series of dramatic steps aimed at improving his physical and mental health that will in no way interfere with his crippling addiction to alcohol. “No more excuses. It’s time I went back to school and finished my degree. No more pizza and beer every night. I’ll probably live five more years just by having salad and beer. Who knows, I might even start getting a run in every night before I hit the bars. Yeah, I really feel like this is a new beginning.” At press time, Weller had passed out on his bar stool, already making good on his plan to get to sleep at a more reasonable hour.
Vizio Charged With Tracking TV Viewers #~# Television company Vizio settled with the FTC for $2.2 million this week after it was revealed that they had been monitoring the viewing habits of their customers for two years without consent. What do you think?
George And Amal Clooney Expecting Twins #~# CBS anchor Julie Chen reports that George and Amal Clooney are expecting twins, due this summer. What do you think?
Steve Bannon Mixes Discarded Climate Change Report With Saliva To Build Final Wall Of Nest #~# WASHINGTON—Revealing that the president’s chief strategist had been observed scuttling around the residence to gather materials, White House aide Alison Fordham confirmed Friday that Steve Bannon was mixing a discarded climate change report with his saliva to construct the final wall of his nest. “Over the last couple weeks, Bannon has been shredding environmental research papers with his teeth and combining the scraps with his own sputum to create a gray, viscous pulp that’s slathered on his mound in the corner of the Roosevelt Room,” said Fordham, who witnessed the assistant to the president grinding up a 200-page document on CO2 emissions in his mandibles, producing a tortured moan, and then violently retching for several minutes before spewing the partly digested, putrid substance on the floor. “It appears that the walls of Bannon’s nest were made from the hardened paste of several FBI dossiers on domestic terrorist groups and notes from several intelligence briefings, as well as a few pigeon skeletons.” At press time, White House officials confirmed that Bannon had completed his nest and was now showing signs that the eggs in his brood sac were ready for host injection.
Nation’s Outfoxed Sheriffs Shake Heads, Throw Hats In Dirt #~# PURVIS, MS—Braking hard at the county line and watching as the fugitives they had pursued sped away in a cloud of dust, the nation’s outfoxed sheriffs reportedly leapt up out of their vehicles, threw their hats in the dirt, and shook their heads in disgust Friday. “Dagnabbit! They got away again,” said the lawmen, spitting out the sides of their mouths and stomping on their wide-brimmed Stetsons as the car filled with “the worst miscreants ever seen in these parts” faded into the distance. “Get back here, you no-good, dirty varmints! Tell me, is every deputy in this department a goldarned ignoramus? ’Cause I told you sorry sons-a-bitches to keep an eye on ’em! Well, don’t just stand there, Rudy—get on the radio and see if you can raise the highway patrol. Them outlaws will be halfway to Alabam’ ’fore we know it.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation’s hornswoggled sheriffs were furiously slapping their steering wheels upon realizing their cars wouldn’t start.
Heavy Lifting Could Affect Fertility #~# A new study found that regular heavy lifting and working during antisocial hours such as night shifts could lower a woman’s fertility. What do you think?
Twitter Earnings Continue To Fall #~# Twitter has posted losses of $167 million in the fourth quarter of 2016, a period during which losses were $90 million the previous year. What do you think?
Journalist Wondering Where To Mention Getting Yelled At By U.S. President In Article #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that nothing in his journalism career could possibly have prepared him for this, Politico chief White House correspondent Mike Allen wondered Thursday where to mention getting yelled at by the president of the United States in an article he was writing. “I can’t put it in the lede, of course, but I probably should at least bring up the fact that the commander-in-chief took nearly a full minute out of the press conference just to ream me out,” said Allen, adding that while he was intensely uncomfortable at the thought of inserting himself into his own piece, the lengthy, belittling tirade was an objectively newsworthy moment deserving a full paragraph or even the focus of an entire story. “God, how do I even refer to myself in this? It’s weird if I say ‘The president then yelled at a reporter from Politico,’ but I also can’t say ‘And then the president yelled at me.’ Jesus, do I also have to include him saying I should be fired?” At press time, Allen was relieved to learn that he would not have to face this dilemma again, as he would no longer be called upon in press conferences.
How To Start A Community Garden #~# A community gardening project is a good way to spur neighborhood involvement, but it requires careful planning and logistics. Here are The Onion’s tips for starting a community garden: 
Pope Francis Sneaks Leftovers To False God Moloch At Back Door Of St. Peter’s Basilica #~# VATICAN CITY—Quickly scanning the alley to make sure no one would see him with the scraps he had placed on a spare offering plate, Pope Francis reportedly stepped out the back door of St. Peter’s Basilica late Wednesday night and slipped leftovers to the false god Moloch. “I know I should be forsaking him, but what am I supposed to do, let the poor thing starve?” said the pontiff, cooing in Aramaic as he fed uneaten portions of chicken casserole to the bull-headed Canaanite god of child sacrifice. “Maybe it’s heretical of me, but just look at the guy—he’s nothing but skin and bones and horns. If I don’t take care of him, who will?” Reached for comment, the heathen idol Moloch expressed appreciation for the leftovers, but confirmed he could only be fully satiated by consuming the flesh of a living man-child set forth in offering upon a burning pyre. 
Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction #~# HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place. “It just says ‘Dryers are for clothes only’—what the hell happened here?” asked tenant Brian Mercuri, 33, who said the sign wasn’t there the last time he did laundry, indicating that during the past week someone must have done something “awfully weird” with one of the facility’s machines. “And why is ‘only’ underlined three times? Did someone try to dry a pair of work boots in there? Or a really big rug? Dishes? Jesus, would someone actually do that?” At press time, the sign’s original text had been crossed out, and the equally disconcerting words “Use machines at own risk” had been written in marker beneath it.
25% Of U.S. Adults Suffer Hearing Loss #~# The CDC reports that a quarter of U.S. adults aged 20 to 69, or 40 million people, have some hearing loss due to noise exposure, such as from listening to music too loudly. What do you think?
Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s #~# DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store. According to household sources, Hobak slipped into his best flannel shirt and weathered blue jeans, laced up his leather steel-toe work boots extra tight, and checked to make sure that his Carhartt jacket was free of any visible hairs from the family dog. Dressed to the nines in his fanciest workwear, the 56-year-old reportedly then shaved, trimmed his nose hairs, and dabbed a touch of Aqua Velva on his cheeks in preparation for his appearance at the superstore’s hardware, flooring, and kitchen cabinetry departments. At press time, sources confirmed that Hobak had quickly ducked back into the bathroom to touch up the powdered sugar stain on his collar.
Betsy DeVos Confirmed As Education Secretary #~# With Mike Pence casting a tie-breaking Senate vote, Betsy DeVos has been confirmed as the 11th U.S. Secretary of Education. What do you think?
Report: Women Only Made Up 2.7% Of Video Game Bosses Last Year #~# DURHAM, NC—After surveying hundreds of dungeons and arenas across an array of digital realms, a new report released Wednesday by Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business found that women only made up 2.7 percent of video game bosses last year. “Despite changing perceptions in society at large, we found that in 2016, only one in approximately 50 female supervillains reported holding a leadership position in which she got to guard important artifacts or power-ups,” read the report in part, adding that even the most colossal cybernetic alien huntresses were far more likely to serve as minibosses or just minions in a larger swarm of enemies than the final combatant in a quest, much less an entire game. “Additionally, heroes only reported getting 79 percent as many coins for beating female bosses as they did male ones. While there are certainly some prominent female bosses, such as Vicar Amelia, the mummified wolf-deer hybrid beast from Bloodborne, there still remain many institutional barriers blocking female monsters, zombies, and supernatural assassins from advancing in their respective levels.” The report ultimately concluded that while change was possible, it would not come quickly and, in fact, may take several console generations.
Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for. “Come on, man, just do it already,” said colleague Karen Nguyen, adding that it was already pushing 4:30 and that he shouldn’t have put the banana on his desk in the first place if he wasn’t going to step up and eat it. “Seriously, it’s ripe and ready to go. It’s not a decoration. Just peel it and get to work on that bad boy.” Tanner’s coworkers were reportedly even more indignant when he suddenly reached into his backpack and pulled out an apple.
Secret Service Adds Emotional Protection Division To Safeguard Trump’s Psyche #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to respond to the vast and ever-changing dangers faced by the nation’s commander-in-chief, Secret Service administrators announced Wednesday the creation of an Emotional Protection Division to safeguard President Donald Trump’s psyche.
If I Could Do It All Over Again, I’d Probably Have A Few Possessions #~# When I think back to my time on earth, I have few regrets. The path I took, the simple life of a monk, allowed me to achieve the highest state of enlightenment. As one who renounced worldly attachments, I was free to lead a contemplative existence and to then share my wisdom with others. That said, I have to admit that if I were to do it all over again, I would probably choose to have at least a few possessions.
Uber Developing Flying Cars #~# Uber has hired a NASA engineer to lead their Uber Elevate division, which aims to build flying commuter cars that take off and land at strategically placed “vertiports.” What do you think?
Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Approve Of Child Labor Laws But Agree That Kids Carrying Briefcases Would Be Cute #~# WASHINGTON—Reflecting qualified support for legislation aimed at protecting minors, a Gallup poll released Wednesday found that while an overwhelming majority of Americans approve of child labor laws, most also said that kids carrying around briefcases would undeniably be cute. “When asked whether they support existing regulations that bar children under the age of 14 from employment, 94 percent of respondents agreed such laws were essential but also conceded that the idea of kids wearing oversize suits and holding make-believe business meetings would be just darling,” said lead researcher Michelle Valner, stressing that although Americans were almost unanimously tickled by the image of a giant boardroom table surrounded by kindergarteners whose tiny legs dangled from their too-big chairs, they remained steadfast in their support for laws that prevent them from being exploited. “Across all demographics, a 6-year-old taking the train to work with their little attaché case, taking off their tiny hat at the office, and pouring juice into their coffee mug would be the most precious thing ever if only we lived in a country with child labor, which nearly all those surveyed agreed was an abomination.” Valner went on to say that 71 percent of Americans, though grateful to live in a country where children were safeguarded, were hugely entertained by the thought of a little kid having to pack all of their action figures into a cardboard box after getting fired.
How DeVos Plans To Change The Department Of Education #~# Betsy DeVos was confirmed by a 51-50 Senate vote Tuesday to run the Department of Education. Here’s how President Trump’s controversial cabinet pick plans to change the nation’s education policy:
Sanders, Cruz To Debate Obamacare #~# Tonight on CNN, senators Bernie Sanders and Ted Cruz will debate the issue of Obamacare, a system the GOP has vowed to repeal and replace. What do you think?
Tips For Writing A Research Paper #~# Students at every level of the education system are required to write the occasional research paper, and some might wonder where to begin. The Onion provides some tips for writing a stellar paper: 
Biologists Confirm Foxes Sneakiest Little Fuckers In Animal Kingdom #~# BOULDER, CO—Validating the widely held suspicion about those sly bastards, biologists at the University of Colorado, Boulder confirmed Tuesday that foxes are without a doubt the sneakiest little fuckers in the entire animal kingdom. “Based on our observations, we can state with a high level of certainty that foxes are indeed the most devious, good-for-nothing shits in the natural world,” said biologist Madeline Putnam, whose team reportedly spent years in the wild collecting behavioral data on the shady sons of bitches. “Our extensive field recordings of fox behavior revealed that these slippery motherfuckers skulk around doing all kinds of dodgy shit far more than any other species. Whether they’re lurking around in bushes or slinking through chicken-wire fences, it’s clear that these conniving overgrown weasels cannot be trusted.” The researchers advised any individual who happens to encounter a fox not to let their guard down for one goddamn second around the shifty-eyed little fucks.
Report: Holy Shit, There Still 50 Minutes Left In Movie #~# EDGEMONT, PA—Expressing shock that the film he was watching somehow did not yet seem to be reaching its conclusion, area man Tyler Smith, 33, reported Tuesday that, holy shit, there are somehow still 50 minutes left in the movie. “This thing has been going on forever—how could there still be almost an hour left?” said Smith, who had expected the film to be 10 or 15 minutes from finishing when he checked his watch, instead finding that, Jesus Christ, the thing was barely halfway done. “I thought for sure it was wrapping up after that last scene, but we’re not even close. What can even happen for another 50 minutes? Why don’t they just, like, stop right now?” At press time, the movie had finally concluded, and a visibly moved Smith told reporters that, fucking hell, he just wanted to cry.
Conscience Quietly Let Go As Paul Ryan Policy Advisor #~# WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the longtime aide’s many years of service, House Speaker Paul Ryan announced Tuesday that his conscience would no longer serve as a key policy advisor. “While my conscience has played an important role in helping me develop a number of policies to this point, it will nevertheless be stepping down from the position effective immediately,” said Ryan, whose resolve to officially dismiss his conscience reportedly reflected its markedly decreased influence over his decision-making in recent years. “Unfortunately, I find myself consulting with my conscience less and less on important issues affecting our citizens. While I am grateful for its guidance, I’ll be proceeding without it as of today. Its departure will surely be felt by our team and no doubt throughout Washington.” At press time, Ryan announced that all policy-making going forward would be guided by his self-interested cowardice, which the speaker said would be an indispensable partner for the foreseeable future.
‘March For Science’ Planned For Earth Day #~# On April 22, scientists will march on Washington in support of open research and funding, an event intended to protest the Trump administration’s gag rule on government researchers. What do you think?
Super Bowl LI: Looking Back At The Greatest First Half In Falcons History #~# Brought to you by Pizza Hut
Patriots Win Super Bowl #~# After trailing the Atlanta Falcons for the entire game, the New England Patriots took the Super Bowl into its first-ever overtime and eked out a narrow victory against their opponents, the latter of whom have never won the championship. What do you think?
Employee Totally Crushes Presentation Of Idea That Will Soon Bankrupt Company #~# NEW YORK—Receiving a long round of applause from the captivated audience, local business analyst Jacob Hoff reportedly just crushed the presentation of an idea that will soon completely bankrupt his company, sources said Monday. “Wow, Jacob killed it big time,” said Hinter Capital CEO Marshall Webster of the half-hour slideshow outlining a five-point plan that will plunge the once-prestigious firm into massive debt and drag down its stock price by nearly 80 percent within weeks. “Everyone was just blown away, especially by his incredible idea [that will result in the company’s humiliating, highly publicized collapse and cost hundreds of people their livelihood].” At the urging of senior executives, Hoff was at press time preparing to make his mind-blowing presentation to the entire board of trustees. 
Fans Gather At Airport To Greet Carry Crates Containing Puppy Bowl Winners #~# BALTIMORE—Crowding into the arrivals area sporting “2017 Champs!” T-shirts and waving handmade signs, thousands of fans reportedly gathered at Baltimore-Washington International Airport Monday to greet the plastic crates carrying Team Fluff after their Puppy Bowl XIII victory. “Oh my God, there they are!” screamed local 31-year-old Dawn Mills, rushing to the front of the crowd as security guards toting dog carriers emerged from the jet bridge and escorted the championship puppies past the flood of cheering fans. “Champions of the world! Yes you are! Oh yes you are! Aww, I love you, buddy!” Sources also confirmed that despite the team’s 93-38 loss to Team Fluff, huge crowds still showed up at Sacramento International Airport to welcome back members of Team Ruff, with several of the disappointed puppies stopping to lick the hands of a few lucky fans through the grates of their carriers.
Study: Majority Of Humans Happiest When Rest Of Family Still Asleep #~# AMES, IA—Saying the findings were consistent across all demographic groups, a study published Monday by researchers at Iowa State University found that the vast majority of humans are happiest when the rest of their family is still asleep. “Nearly 90 percent of people experience their greatest feelings of delight and contentment on occasions when they wake up early and get to spend time alone in their quiet house while their spouse and children are still in bed,” said study co-author Bethany Zane, adding that 67 percent of respondents said unexpected moments of alone time during weekdays before work made them instantly more cheerful, while 78 percent said there was no greater joy than having the house to themselves for an hour or so on a Sunday morning. “Of those who linked their good spirits to being awake while their loved ones slept, roughly half said their happiness chiefly derived from the ability to read a book in peace for once, while approximately another third attributed it to the luxury of enjoying breakfast without having to prepare food for someone else. Those remaining said they were just happy they didn’t have to talk to anyone.” The study also found that the second-greatest source of happiness for the majority of humans is being awake at night after the rest of their family has gone to bed. 
Hillary Clinton Signs 2 Book Deals #~# Hillary Clinton has signed two book deals, a collection of personal essays and a children’s illustrated version of her 1996 book It Takes A Village. What do you think?
Mike Pence Disappointed God Has Never Asked Him To Kill One Of Own Children #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he would surely rise to the occasion if tasked by the Almighty with the ultimate test of faith, Vice President Mike Pence said Monday that he was disappointed that God has never called upon him to kill one of his own children. “It’s just heartbreaking that the Lord hasn’t summoned me once to show my dedication to Him by sacrificing one of my precious kids,” said Pence, telling reporters that he has spent years waiting for any sign at all from the Heavenly Father that he should ritually slaughter one of his three children. “They’re grown now, so I’m starting to think I’ll never get the chance to offer the blood of any of them to prove my unshakable devotion. Heck, I’d put all three on an altar if that’s what He wanted.” Pence added that he would nevertheless keep a sharp dagger at the ready in the unlikely event God someday asks him to kill one of his grandchildren.
Roger Goodell Dumps Box With Broken Pieces Of Lombardi Trophy In Front Of Tom Brady #~# ‘Congratulations,’ Says Commissioner Before Walking Off Stage
Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots #~# HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them. “It’s definitely not a good feeling to walk out of here today still chasing that sixth Super Bowl victory, especially after all the work we put in this season,” said Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, adding that no team deserved to win a sixth Super Bowl more than the Patriots this year. “I just want to say sorry to our great fans—we wanted to give them their sixth championship, and today we fell short again. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be, but we’ll reevaluate what went wrong and come back stronger.” At press time, Brady had reportedly delivered an emotional speech asking his teammates to remember their feelings of frustration and use them as motivation next season.
Lady Gaga Panics After Hearing Name Called For Halftime Show While Waiting In Line For Bathroom #~# HOUSTON—Looking around anxiously from her place in the NRG Stadium concourse, Lady Gaga reportedly panicked Sunday after hearing her name introduced to the crowd for the Super Bowl LI halftime show while she was still waiting in line for the bathroom. “Oh shit, that’s me!” said the pop star, anxiously craning her neck to count the number of people ahead of her in line as the opening strains of her first song echoed from the stadium’s PA system. “C’mon, hurry up! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” At press time, Lady Gaga was reportedly seen haphazardly readjusting her transparent bodysuit while sprinting out of the bathroom.
Area Man Totally Screwing Up Order Of Snack Consumption During Super Bowl Party #~# FORT DODGE, IA—Growing increasingly annoyed at his lack of foresight, area man Erick Simmons reportedly chastised himself Sunday for totally screwing up the order of his snack consumption during a Super Bowl LI party. “Shit, I just finished a cupcake, and now I’m supposed to start eating spicy wings?” said Simmons, lamenting that he had completely botched his refreshment progression by consuming a large quantity of pita chips before the host brought out the spinach artichoke dip. “I never would’ve filled up on pigs in a blanket if I knew there was pizza coming. Although some of this is [host] Carl [Donovan]’s fault—why would you put out the football-shaped cookies before nachos? Ugh, I never should have munched on the nut mix for the entire first quarter with all these much better snacks still to come. I messed up big time.” At press time, Simmons expressed frustration that he was “way too stuffed” to finish his third beer. 
Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows #~# The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.
Controversial Puppy Bowl Star Shits During National Anthem #~# NEW YORK—Eliciting a loud mix of boos and applause from the stands, Puppy Bowl star Mabel, a 1-year-old Jack Russell Terrier, controversially chose to shit Sunday during the game’s national anthem. “For countless fans, Mabel’s actions will be a source of outrage and disgust, but perhaps just as many will see this as a powerful statement requiring a tremendous amount of courage,” said play-by-play announcer Scott Graham minutes after the star puppy quietly walked in circles while sniffing the ground before stopping to drop her hind legs and shit as the anthem reverberated throughout the stadium. “This was a truly bold move that will draw a lot of criticism. What Mabel did today will certainly have folks talking on Monday.” The incident comes one year after Mabel was fined five chew toys for wearing a neon-colored, non-Animal-Planet-approved collar during Puppy Bowl XII.
What’s Next For Hillary Clinton? #~# Despite her presidential loss, Hillary Clinton is making moves to secure her legacy and stay a relevant voice in American politics. Here are some of her future plans:
Nordstrom Drops Ivanka Trump Brand #~# Due to lagging sales following a consumer boycott, Nordstrom has announced they will no longer sell the Ivanka Trump line of clothing and accessories. What do you think?
NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’ #~# NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed. “As of today, the National Football League will no longer have a claim to merchandising, marketing, or any other use of the ‘Super Bowl’ brand,” said industry expert Jason Galecki of the American Marketing Association, noting that in light of its decision to relinquish the name, the league has been forced to modify the stadium logos, game jerseys, and even commemorative T-shirts for the upcoming championship to reflect the new title, “Big Game 51.” “By letting its ownership of ‘Super Bowl’ expire, the NFL has also lost all associated terms, including ‘Lombardi Trophy,’ which will now be known as the ‘Tagliabue Cup.’ Should the league ever choose to mention the name ‘Super Bowl’ in the future, it may be subject to litigation for trademark infringement.” At press time, sources confirmed that the rights to the name “Super Bowl” had been quickly purchased by PepsiCo for $25 billion.
Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday. “There you go, buddy, just short, even strokes of the blade—be real careful not to press too hard or you’ll nick my skin,” the elder Dalton said, looking down tenderly at his son while instructing the boy to take extra care around the more sensitive areas. “See how it’s a little thicker underneath the chin? You’ll want to lather it up a bit extra there. And don’t go against my grain or you’ll leave red bumps. Hey, pretty smooth, kid!” At press time, Dalton was assuring his son that he’d get the hang of it in no time, as it would soon be part of his daily routine.
D.C. Authorities Struggling To Keep Squatters Out Of Empty State Department #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they have had to deal with hundreds of new cases over the last few weeks, local D.C. authorities reported Friday that they are struggling to keep squatters out of empty State Department offices. “We’ve had to work around the clock to make sure nobody is sleeping or setting up camp in all the office space left vacant by departing State Department personnel,” said D.C. police spokesperson Eric Marshall, adding that 20 to 30 calls were coming in every day regarding transients who have moved into State Department headquarters, including homeless addicts seen injecting heroin on mattresses in one of the former diplomatic reception rooms. “Even when you don’t catch the squatters, you can see the hot plates, garbage, and sleeping bags in the hallways. And just last night, we had to chase out a bunch of teenagers who lit a bonfire in the lobby, not to mention all the stray cats that have pretty much sprayed urine on every conference room wall.” Marshall added that the city might have to consider condemning the building if conditions did not improve, which, at press time, the Trump administration had not objected to.
Roger Goodell Lays Wreath At National Football League Cemetery In Super Bowl Tradition #~# PEEKSKILL, NY—As part of a longstanding tradition in the week leading up to the Super Bowl, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell laid a wreath Friday in an official ceremony at the National Football League Cemetery.
Fearful Americans Stockpiling Facts Before Federal Government Comes To Take Them Away #~# WASHINGTON—Alarmed at the prospect of unconstitutional overreach by the Trump administration, millions of fearful Americans have already begun stockpiling facts before the federal government comes to take them away, sources confirmed Friday. “I know my rights as an American, so you’d better believe I’m getting my hands on as many facts as possible and keeping them somewhere safe where this First Amendment–hating president of ours can’t snatch them all up,” said Pittsburgh resident David Edelman, 38, adding that he was worried that President Trump planned to not only suspend production of facts, but also seize existing ones, leaving Americans and their families completely defenseless. “The minute I saw Trump, I knew he was someone who didn’t grow up around facts or the kind of folks who use facts. Well, the founding fathers cherished my right to possess facts, and they’d be rolling in their graves if they knew the Feds were going to bust in and try to steal our facts in the middle of the night.” A spokesperson for the Trump administration dismissed such fears, saying that the president merely wanted to keep facts away from certain dangerous people.
Eric Trump Scolds Father That He Mustn’t Inquire About The Businesses, For He’s Sworn Not To Tell #~# ‘You Shan’t Ask Me About Our Shops, Papa, For I Am Forbidden To Say!’ Chides President’s Son
$500 Million Upgrade Planned For Willis Tower #~# Chicago city officials have unveiled plans for a $500 million upgrade of the Willis Tower, including 300,000 square feet of retail space and a 30,000-square-foot outdoor deck. What do you think?
​Beyonce Pregnant With Twins #~# Beyonce and Jay Z are expecting twins, an announcement made via an Instagram post that quickly surpassed Selena Gomez’s record for most-liked photo on the site. What do you think?
Report: That Was Very Stupid Thing To Say #~# ITHACA, NY—According to a report released Thursday by experts who knew this would happen from the second you opened your mouth, that was a very stupid thing to say.
Prison Now Allowing Death Row Inmates To Receive Weekly Visitors Throughout Executions #~# WEST LIVINGSTON, TX—Saying it was inhumane to deny them the privilege over such an extended period, Gary Hunter, warden at Texas’ Allan B. Polunsky Unit death row facility, announced Wednesday that inmates would now be allowed to receive visitors once a week while receiving capital punishment. “Because the duration varies from person to person, we felt it was only fair to grant inmates 45 minutes per week during which family members and friends can spend time with them in the execution chamber,” Hunter said, adding that guests would be allowed to sit with the person being executed for up to an hour, with a maximum of two for special events like birthdays and holidays. “In the later stages of the execution, inmates will also have access to 15 minutes of phone time per day. And since it’s cruel to simply confine inmates to the execution room month after month, we’re planning to eventually incorporate a daily free exercise period.” Hunter went on to say that while the executioner tries to find a vein, inmates would be encouraged to participate in one of the prison’s vocational work programs.
Vulture Feeling Nauseous After Eating Bad Rotting Deer Carcass #~# MESA, AZ—Saying that the putrefying meat just wasn’t sitting right, a local vulture was reportedly feeling nauseous after eating some bad rotting deer carcass, sources confirmed Thursday. “Oh God, I think that festering carrion I pushed down my gullet earlier might’ve been a little off,” said the visibly pained scavenger bird, recalling that the fetid decomposing flesh had been sitting out in the sun for a few days. “Or maybe it was just something with this particular infestation of maggots. It’s hard to tell what exactly the culprit is sometimes. Ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick.” At press time, the retching vulture had never felt so miserable in its life and vowed to be more careful in the future when selecting a decaying pile of muscle, skin, and feces-filled entrails.
Nation’s Stomach Ulcers Predict Trump Administration Will Provide Opportunities For Unlimited Growth In 2017 #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to ride a wave of momentum after a historically strong year, the nation’s stomach ulcers predicted Thursday that the Trump administration will provide opportunities for unlimited growth in 2017. “The outlook for the coming year is just fantastic—in fact, we could see an unprecedented expansion of ulcers under President Trump,” said an ulcer representative, adding that the mood around the country was ideal for the prosperity and advancement of the gnawing internal lesions, and that there had already been a record increase in Trump’s first week alone. “For stomach and intestinal ulcers alike, there’s just a new sense of energy and inspiration under Donald Trump. Frankly, we haven’t seen this much confidence since World War II.” Despite its optimism, however, the membrane rupture conceded that the growth of ulcers may within months pale in comparison to that of coronary blockages.
NFL Announces Super Bowl Tickets Only Available For Purchase One Hour Before Kickoff At Stadium Box Office #~# NEW YORK—Responding to queries from fans hoping to attend the upcoming matchup between the New England Patriots and Atlanta Falcons, the NFL announced Thursday that tickets to Super Bowl LI would only be made available for purchase one hour before kickoff at the NRG Stadium box office. “The box office will open right at 4:30 p.m. Central, at which time fans will be able to buy tickets from any one of the 12 box-office attendants outside the venue,” NFL senior vice president of events Peter Reilly said in a statement, adding that the game’s 72,720 available tickets will range from $25 for the arena’s upper decks to $75 for premium seats closer to the field. “There will also be the opportunity to buy one of a limited number of box seats, which are all first-come, first-served. However, there are no more than four tickets of any kind allowed per customer, and fans should also keep in mind that all purchases will be cash-only.” The statement concluded by advising any NFL sponsors hoping to buy seats to start lining up at least 15 minutes before the ticket gate opened, as the game is expected to sell out.
‘White Privilege’ Essay Contest Sparks Backlash #~# A town in Connecticut that is 93 percent white has raised public outcry against a student essay contest that asks applicants to write about “white privilege,” a topic that some find inflammatory. What do you think?
Chemicals Found In Fast Food Packaging #~# Researchers have found that one-third of fast food packaging such as burger wrappers contains fluorinated chemicals, grease-repelling compounds that can harm the immune system and are even linked to cancer. What do you think?
Trump Hails Gorsuch As Fierce Protector Of Future Amendment Allowing President To Temporarily Suspend Right To Assemble #~# WASHINGTON—Praising the federal appellate judge’s commitment to upholding the Constitution, President Trump hailed his Supreme Court justice nominee Neil Gorsuch as a fierce protector of the future amendment that will allow the president to temporarily suspend the right to assemble. “I am confident that Judge Gorsuch will do everything in his power to see that every line of the Constitution, including the forthcoming amendment to grant the executive branch the power to halt all public protests, will be safeguarded as the law of the land,” said Trump, adding that Gorsuch’s strict adherence to the country’s supreme law, both in its present and very near future iterations, was what drew him to the 49-year-old judge in the first place. “If his track record is any indication, Judge Gorsuch will act as a stalwart defender of our nation’s founding legal document, which will soon contain a 28th amendment granting the president sole authority to restrict the public’s ability to collectively air grievances. He has my full vote of confidence in these matters.” Trump went on to say, however, that Gorsuch was also practical enough to know when certain parts of the Constitution didn’t need to be taken quite so seriously.
World Agrees To Just Take Down Internet For A While Until They Can Find A Good Use For It #~# NEW YORK—Saying the global computer network will cease to be available to users as of midnight tonight, the people of the world announced plans Wednesday to shut down the entire internet until such time as a good use for it can be found. 
Burmese Python Shocked At Amount Of Stress Man Holding In His Neck #~# HOMESTEAD, FL—Marveling at the amount of tension his prey seemed to be carrying around with him, a 12-foot-long Burmese python was reportedly shocked Wednesday at how much stress a local man was holding in his gradually constricting neck. “Geez, it’s like one huge knot in there,” said the 300-pound reptile, also noting as it coiled itself with increasing force around the man’s torso that his shoulders were “like rocks—just giant lumps of tightness.” “He must be having a tough time at work or something. This can’t be healthy. Seriously, this is the kind of stress that gives you a heart attack at age 40.” At press time, the python expressed relief that the man seemed to have very abruptly become completely relaxed.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #~# Seven-year-old female bobcat Ollie has been missing since Monday morning after escaping the National Zoo through a hole in the mesh of her enclosure. What do you think?
Manatees Removed From Endangered Species List #~# With over 6,620 manatees recently estimated living in Florida waters, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has downgraded manatees from “endangered” to “vulnerable.” What do you think?
Beauty Industry Exec Keeps Photo Of Crying 15-Year-Old Girl On Desk To Remind Himself Why He Does This #~# NEW YORK—Saying it regularly provides him with the motivation he needs to get through the day, Estée Lauder senior vice president Mark Evans told reporters Friday he keeps a photo of a sobbing 15-year-old girl on his desk to remind himself why he does this. “With all the meetings and phone calls I have to deal with every day, it can be easy to lose touch with why I got into this business in the first place—but whenever I find myself growing frustrated with work, all I have to do is look over at this picture of a crying teenage girl and I remember that it’s not about me; it’s about her,” said Evans, noting that the adolescent’s distressed, tear-streaked face is the perfect reminder that the long hours he puts in marketing skincare and cosmetic products to women are in service of something bigger than himself. “I’ll be honest—sometimes I think I just can’t deal with the daily grind anymore. But then I see the genuine sorrow and misery in her young eyes, and I realize that regardless of how busy and maddening this job can be, I am having a real, significant impact on people out there, and that’s what truly matters.” Evans added that, in an effort to keep his priorities in perspective, he is trying to pause more often and consider how grateful he is that his work is not simply affecting the crying young woman right now, but also helping set the foundation of how she relates to the world for the rest of her life.
WWE Announces WrestleMania 33 Theme Will Be Springtime In Paris #~# STAMFORD, CT—In an effort to bring the City of Light to Orlando’s Camping World Stadium, WWE officials announced Friday that this weekend’s WrestleMania 33 will be themed “Springtime in Paris.”
Woman’s Primal Instincts Activate To Protect Nearly Finished Glass Of Wine From Approaching Server #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Reacting instantaneously to the potential threat before it could imperil that which she held most dear, local woman Sarah Mackelberg’s deepest primal instincts reportedly activated Friday to protect her nearly finished glass of wine from an approaching waiter. According to sources at local bistro Chez Lupo, the 29-year-old’s natural, ingrained impulses to provide safety and security were triggered immediately once she realized the vulnerable glass, which still contained a sip of a Cabernet-Merlot blend, was in imminent danger of being stripped away from her forever by the server rapidly closing in on her table. Reports indicate that, upon sensing impending trouble, Mackelberg lunged forward and wrapped both hands around the stem of the nearly empty glass to shield it from the potential abductor and drew it tight to her chest, where the remaining drops of the 2015 Sonoma County varietal would be free from harm. After clinging tightly to the glass until the threat had moved a safe distance away onto the restaurant’s patio seating area, Mackelberg reportedly let out a quiet sigh of relief, looked down tenderly at the drinking vessel, and told the red wine how much she loved it.
Goody Introduces New Line Of Governess Hairbrushes For Raking Across The Scalps Of Insolent Little Girls #~# ATLANTA—Describing it as the perfect styling tool for beastly little things, the Goody hair accessories company announced Thursday a new line of hairbrushes designed specifically for governesses to rake harshly across the scalps of insolent little girls in their charge. “The new reinforced handles can withstand being drawn roughly through the knotted hair of a horrid, filthy creature hundreds of times, and the extra-coarse bristles will quickly dislodge any grass or other debris that has become entangled due to unladylike frolicking in the meadow beyond the wall,” said spokesperson Sally Waterson, adding that the sturdier brushes were ideal for roughly straightening unkempt hair while asking impertinent little girls why they couldn’t be more like Abigail. “And when you’re done, each brush comes with a set of special high-tensile hair ties that can be used to hold a painfully tight bun.” Waterson added that the brushes were also perfect for gesturing menacingly at contemptuous children while reminding them that the Master returns in June and will be teaching them a lesson they shan’t soon forget.
Hardee’s, Carl’s Jr. End ‘Sexy’ Ads #~# Both Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr. will end their long-running commercials featuring bikini-clad women like Paris Hilton and Kate Upton eating burgers, focusing instead on burger quality in upcoming ads. What do you think?
Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier #~# ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier. “This has been a real wake-up call for me, so from now on, I’m sticking to eating only nutritious, low-fat foods well past the point of feeling full,” said Fisher, explaining that he had already cut oversized portions of red meat out of his diet in favor of multiple hulking servings of lean proteins such as fish, beans, and baked chicken. “It’s not going to be easy, but if I can replace my regular afternoon snack of Doritos with a whole bag of organic kale chips and restrict myself to five or six helpings from just the salad bar when I go out to eat at a buffet, I should be okay. I’ve really got to make these big changes; this is my health we’re talking about here.” At press time, Fisher was attempting to slake a late-night bout of hunger with 900 calories’ worth of apples and peanut butter.
Marathon Running Could Cause Kidney Injury #~# A new study showed that after completing a marathon, the vast majority of even otherwise healthy runners suffered acute kidney injury. What do you think?
Queen Elizabeth Frantically Trying To Preserve European Alliances By Arranging Great-Grandchildren’s Marriages #~# LONDON—After Prime Minister Theresa May initiated official proceedings for Great Britain’s exit from the European Union, sources confirmed Thursday that Queen Elizabeth II has been frantically trying to preserve the nation’s European alliances by arranging the marriages of her great-grandchildren. “With Britain departing the EU, our greatest chance at maintaining strong diplomatic and economic relations with other countries in the region is for Prince George and Princess Charlotte to marry the children of one of Europe’s other ruling families,” said the queen, who had reportedly just gotten off the phone with King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands to discuss a possible match between 3-year-old Prince George and one of his three daughters. “I was hoping to cement Britain’s trade partnership with Luxembourg by betrothing Charlotte to Prince Sébastien, but the grand duke wouldn’t agree to the arrangement, and unfortunately, the King Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden refused my offer of a spring wedding at Westminster Abbey between Princess Leonore and Prince George. If I offer control of Gibraltar and an earldom to the groom, I’m sure I can arrange for young Charlotte to marry one of Angela Merkel’s stepsons when she reaches marriageable age.” At press time, the queen was relieved to have at least secured a strong alliance with one European ally after she herself agreed to wed 14-year-old Prince Felix of Denmark.
A Primer On The Dark Web #~# With many crimes now originating on encrypted areas of the internet, many wonder about the so-called dark web and its activities. The Onion provides a primer on this obscured digital space:
Mike Pence Asks Waiter To Remove Mrs. Butterworth From Table Until Wife Arrives #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns about the propriety of being left alone with a syrup container of the opposite sex, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly asked his waiter Thursday to remove Mrs. Butterworth from the table until his wife arrived to join him at a local diner. “Excuse me, sir, would you please take this out of my line of sight until my wife gets here?” said Pence, who reportedly attempted to put the table’s sugar dispenser and salt and pepper shakers between him and the feminine syrup bottle before deciding that even having Mrs. Butterworth within arm’s reach could lead him to have impure thoughts. “It just would not be right for me to sit here alone with a woman-shaped container, particularly one as shapely as this. In fact, I would advise you to do the same for the man sitting over there—I see he is sitting very close to Mrs. Butterworth even though he appears to be wearing a wedding ring.” At press time, Pence had asked the waiter to pour syrup on his pancakes for him, as it would be unseemly to handle the curves of the plastic woman in such a public place.
Goose Does Pretty Decent Job Shitting All Over High School Track #~# ARDMORE, PA—Reflecting on the pride it takes in its craft, a local Canada goose confirmed Thursday that it had done a pretty decent job shitting all over the outdoor track at nearby Lower Merion High School. “I got up around 6 a.m. this morning and after an hour had managed to scatter my feces pretty evenly over the entire oval,” said the waterfowl, who after reportedly squeezing out dozens of tube-like turds over the 400-meter track then made quick work of the adjacent soccer field. “I was nervous because by the end I was starting to run low, but then some of my buddies came by and we completely blanketed the long-jump area in our excrement. I’ll tell you, it was a solid day’s work.” The goose added that after shitting its brains out for an entire morning, it barely had enough energy to aggressively honk at the track team throughout their two-hour practice.
Flu Can’t Wait To Get The Fuck Out Of Area Man’s Body #~# OLATHE, KS—Admitting that infecting the 32-year-old was a huge mistake, a sub-strain of the H3N2 Influenza A virus confirmed Thursday that it couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of area man Peter Abbot’s body. “I’ve only been in this shithole for a couple days, but I’m ready to cut and run from here as soon as fucking possible,” said the flu, adding that it would rather be anywhere else on the goddamn planet than the run-down mess that Abbot calls a body. “I thought it looked really bad from the outside, but holy shit, I had no idea how nasty it would be once I got in. As soon as I get the chance, you better fucking believe I’m outta this dump.” At press time, the flu reportedly expressed concerns it would never be able to leave after the man’s condition worsened.
Man Suddenly Realizes He Was Duped By Commercial’s Romanticized Vision Of Canned Beans #~# RICHMOND, VA—Sighing loudly and expressing a deep regret regarding the naïve and starry-eyed assumptions he had made about a recent supermarket purchase, local 32-year-old Noah Willson lamented to reporters Thursday that he had been duped by the glamorized manner in which a can of beans had been portrayed in a television commercial. “What a fool I am to have fallen so hard for such a silly romantic notion,” said Willson, realizing that the pile of beans that lay on the plate before him bore little resemblance to the fantasy he had seen depicted in a softly lit 30-second ad with slow-motion shots of the product cascading into a pot against the backdrop of a rustic old-world kitchen. “How preposterously idealistic was it to imagine that I, too, might experience a small piece of the joy that family in the commercial seemed to feel as they smiled and laughed together, lingering over their dinner of baked beans? I am but a simpleminded buffoon.” His dreams of an elegant and joyous meal of beans dashed, Willson reportedly discarded the disappointing food item and turned with a hopeful smile toward an alluringly adorned box of microwaveable pizza.
Children Suffering Burns From Homemade ‘Slime’ #~# With the rising trend of making “slime” at home out of household products, several children have sustained third-degree burns from direct contact with borax, a cleaning agent used in many slime recipes to achieve a gummy texture. What do you think? 
Man Has Been Meaning To Catch Up On Whole Of Human Artistic Endeavor #~# CHICAGO—Saying he has heard good things but hasn’t yet had a chance to check it out, local 31-year-old Kevin Regan reported Thursday he has been meaning to catch up on the whole of human artistic endeavor.
Activists Charged For Undercover Planned Parenthood Recordings #~# David Robert Daleidan and Sandra Merritt, who posed as employees of a fictitious bioresearch company and secretly recorded meetings with Planned Parenthood officials without their consent, were charged with 15 felony counts of violating the privacy of healthcare providers. What do you think?
Parents Assure Scared Child There’s No Such Thing As Skip Bayless #~# EVERETT, WA—In an effort to comfort the weeping, hysterical child, local parents Rick and Bridget Sears assured their scared 5-year-old son Caleb that there was no such thing as Skip Bayless, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Honey, relax—I know he’s scary, but Skip Bayless is just something on TV and isn’t real,” said mother Bridget Sears while the boy’s father admonished their older son for leaving the television on FS1’s Undisputed when he knew how terrifying Bayless could seem to young children. “I’m sure your friends all told you he exists, but Skip Bayless is just a fake character created to frighten people. He’s not hiding anywhere waiting to yell at you. I promise.” At press time, Caleb’s older brother was reportedly telling the 5-year-old that if he said the TV commentator’s name three times out loud, Skip Bayless would appear and take him.
Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin #~# DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin. “I just got this new moisturizer I’m going to try out,” Holloway, 32, said of the latest phase in the study she has been running for the past 17 years, testing a wide range of hypotheses regarding which synthetic compounds and colloidal solutions might best be employed to attain optimal elasticity, hydration, and smoothness in dermal tissues. “The other stuff was kind of leaving my skin feeling dry. This one looks like it should be good, though.” At press time, reports indicated Holloway was nearing the final stages of an elimination test to determine which depilatory was causing a painful rash.
34-Year-Old Woman Anxiously Realizes She Doesn’t Have Much Time Left To Have Career #~# AUSTIN, TX—Worrying that if she didn’t have one soon she might not be able to have one at all, local 34-year-old Sarah Jean Bleicher told reporters Wednesday she realized she doesn’t have much time left to have a career. “The clock is ticking—if I’m going to have a career, I can’t put it off much longer,” said Bleicher, adding that some of her friends from college were already on their second career. “Sure, I guess it’s possible to have one later in life, but it gets so much harder as you get older. I have to face the real possibility that I might wind up careerless for the rest of my life, with no long-term occupational pursuit to nurture and devote myself to. God, that’s sad.” At press time, Bleicher said she was considering settling for a company that she only found somewhat attractive but that was eager to commit to her and help her develop professionally.
Trump Unveils Sprawling New Presidential Retreat Where He Can Escape From Stresses Of Mar-A-Lago #~# ST. THOMAS, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—Speaking Wednesday from the grounds of the lavish tropical estate where he plans to spend much of his downtime while in office, Donald Trump unveiled a new presidential retreat he hopes will allow him to escape from the grueling pace of life at Mar-a-Lago. 
Study: Breastfeeding Doesn’t Make Babies Smarter #~# A new study found that although there are certain health benefits to breastfeeding babies, there is no apparent cognitive benefit. What do you think?
NRA Recommends Preventing Firearm Deaths By Securing Children In Locked Safe #~# FAIRFAX, VA—As part of its ongoing efforts to reduce the number of accidental deaths from firearms, the National Rifle Association issued a recommendation Wednesday urging gun owners to secure their children in a locked safe at all times. “Because responsible gun ownership begins with proper storage, we advise you to keep your children in a tamper-proof safe, especially when they have friends over and any time you are out of the home,” wrote executive vice president Wayne LaPierre in a bulletin to the organization’s members, adding that it was not enough to simply place one’s children in a drawer, atop a high shelf, or underneath a bed, as stowing kids in such locations was neither a secure nor foolproof way of preventing a firearm accident from occurring. “We recognize that purchasing a steel-reinforced vault that can fit every one of your children comes at a premium, but can you really put a price on the safety of your family?” LaPierre went on to say that gun owners could easily add an extra layer of security and further peace of mind by keeping a separate lock on each child as well.
World’s Largest Dinosaur Print Found In Australia #~# Paleontologists in “Australia’s Jurassic Park” have found the largest dinosaur footprint ever discovered, a sauropod print measuring 5 feet 9 inches. What do you think? 
NHL Commemorates 25th Anniversary Of First Ice Game #~# NEW YORK—Celebrating one of the major turning points in the league’s long, storied history, the NHL commemorated the 25th anniversary of its first ice game Tuesday. “Twenty-five years ago, the idea of playing a game on ice was little more than a fun experiment to add some excitement to the season, and no one could have ever imagined it would take off like it did,” said NHL spokesperson Patrick Barnard, recalling the March 28, 1992 contest between the Montreal Canadiens and Pittsburgh Penguins played on a freshly frozen rink at the Civic Arena in front of a sellout crowd of 16,900 fans. “There was some initial resistance from the more conservative owners, but after that first game on ice proved to be such a huge hit with the fans, it became immediately clear the league had something special on its hands. By the end of the ’90s, most NHL teams were playing on ice, and it completely changed the way we think of hockey.” Barnard also expressed regret that no footage of the pre-ice era was preserved for posterity, as the NHL did not begin broadcasting games on television until 2011.
Jared Kushner Quietly Transfers ‘Solve Middle East Crisis’ To Next Week’s To-Do List #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting there was simply too much on his plate right now to bring stability to the fractious region by end of day Friday, Senior Advisor to the President Jared Kushner quietly moved the task “solve Middle East crisis” to his to-do list for next week, sources reported Tuesday. “Ushering in lasting peace across the Mideast is definitely still a big priority for me, but given everything else I’ve got going on right now, I’m just going to need to bump it to next week when I have a little more time on my hands,” Kushner reportedly said as he crossed out the task on his pocket day planner and rewrote it on the following page, acknowledging that he was just “too swamped” at the moment with policy reports and real estate development meetings to resolve the numerous wars, land disputes, and centuries-old ethnic and religious tensions that have long raged among the 350 million residents of the geopolitical hotspot. “I was really hoping to at least knock out the Arab-Israeli conflict before the weekend, but this week’s kind of gotten out of hand. It’ll be fine, though—I’ll just carve out an hour or two next week, hunker down in my office, and sort it all out then. If I can push back a couple business calls, I can definitely get this whole Middle East situation ironed out by Wednesday—Thursday at the latest.” At press time, Kushner reportedly pushed “solve Middle East crisis” back an additional 30 minutes after deciding it would be better to get “fix America’s opioid epidemic” out of the way first.
‘Bathroom Bill’ Will Cost North Carolina $3.7 Billion #~# The Associated Press found that North Carolina’s “Bathroom Bill” will amount to $3.7 billion in lost business over 12 years, due to the NCAA, PayPal, and other major corporations boycotting the state for its restrictions on LGBT rights. What do you think?
Report: Economy Must Be Doing Pretty Well If Entire Season Of ‘Bones’ Online For Free #~# NEW YORK—Predicting the country will soon reach levels of employment and household wealth it has not seen in decades, top financial experts concluded Tuesday that the economy must really be surging right now if an entire season of Bones is available to watch online for free. “If they’re just giving away the complete 11th season of a hit TV show to anyone with internet access, then I think that leaves little doubt that we’re on the cusp of a new golden age of economic prosperity marked by rapid wage growth and significant expansion of the nation’s GDP,” said Mark Zandi, chief economist of Moody’s Analytics, who, after finding 22 episodes of the crime procedural starring Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz streaming in their entirety free of charge, also forecasted a sizable uptick in corporate earnings and sales of new and existing homes. “If the reports are true that every episode of the 12th and final season will also be available online at no cost, it seems pretty safe to say that we have entered promising new economic boom times, and we should expect to see a strong dollar, soaring consumer confidence, and the entire manufacturing sector springing back to life all across the United States.” At press time, Zandi acknowledged economic growth might not be as robust as he had initially thought, citing a paywall he discovered when trying to access episodes of FX’s legal thriller Damages.
Girls Banned From Flight For Wearing Leggings #~# Two preteen girls were banned from a United flight for wearing leggings in violation of the airline’s dress code, actions that United has defended. What do you think? 
Study Finds Suspicious Circumstances Still Leading Cause Of Death In Russia #~# GENEVA—Warning that the trend represents a major national health issue, a study released Monday by the World Health Organization confirmed that suspicious circumstances remain the leading cause of death in Russia. “Our analysis has found that mysterious circumstances represent the number one overall killer of Russians, affecting men as young as 20 and as old as 80,” said study co-author Dr. Simon Gerber, adding that the findings linked several behavioral factors—most notably working in high-ranking positions within the fields of journalism, national government, or the petroleum industry—to an increased risk of someday succumbing to the deadly epidemic. “Although dubious and largely improbable coincidences have long been a leading cause of death across all regions of Russia, as well as among Russian-born citizens living abroad, we have seen a significant spike over the past 15 years, particularly within recent months. And the trend only shows signs of accelerating, which is incredibly worrying.” Gerber went on to say that if not properly addressed, the issue could soon become a global health crisis, given similarly high mortality rates attributed to suspicious circumstances in China, Iran, and North Korea.
GOP Makes Good On 2009 Promise To Block President’s Healthcare Bill #~# WASHINGTON—Telling Americans this was the kind of leadership and accountability they could expect from the GOP, congressional Republicans held a press conference Monday to celebrate making good on their 2009 promise to block the president’s healthcare bill. “Eight years ago, our party made a solemn pledge to do everything in our power to ensure that a healthcare bill put forth by the president of the United States did not become law, and through our actions last week, that is exactly what we have done,” said Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, who declared that Republican leaders had never forgotten the vow they made almost a decade ago and noted that, when presented earlier this month with a comprehensive healthcare reform plan championed by the White House, they quickly stopped it in its tracks and refused to relent until it was dead. “True to our word, we successfully prevented the executive branch from pushing through a sweeping bill that would have completely remade the U.S. healthcare system. When we said in 2009 that we would not let the president enact a plan that would affect tens of millions of Americans, that was not just empty rhetoric, and on Friday, we stood up and put an end to the president’s bill for good. Voters will not forget our resolute action.” McCarthy went on to add that throughout the remainder of this term, the American people could count on their Republican representatives to uphold the vows they made repeatedly between 2008 and 2016 to obstruct the president’s agenda at every turn.
Parrots Support Theory That Laughter Is Contagious #~# While researchers have long theorized that laughter is “contagious” in humans, a new study of the kea parrot in New Zealand has found that they too respond in kind to play calls more often than other types of calls. What do you think?
Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet #~# FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the Princeton Review on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row. “More than any of its celestial neighbors, Earth is the place to let off some steam and get a little crazy with your friends every night of the week,” said associate editor Blake Kalfus, adding that the planet was the only known celestial body to possess sufficient oxygen for top EDM DJs like Afrojack and Steve Aoki to survive. “With its solid terrestrial surface layer capable of supporting millions of clubs and two-for-one drink specials, there’s no party destination within 1000,000 light-years that’s more electric than Earth. And that doesn’t even count the more relaxed vibe you get on its nearby moon.” Meanwhile, Kepler-138d, Earth’s longtime rival for most popular party planet, reportedly fell from second place to 16th after the gas giant banned fraternities.
CEO Unveils Bold New Plan To Undo Damage From Last Year’s Bold New Plan #~# NEW YORK—Saying it would mark a significant change in the company’s direction, Paradigm Marketing CEO Paul Dannon announced Monday a bold new plan that was evidently intended to undo the havoc caused by last year’s bold new plan. “It’s time to make some major shifts in how we do things [in reaction to the disastrous major shifts I implemented last year],” said Dannon of the sweeping new initiative that amounted to a point-by-point retraction of his sweeping initiative from almost exactly one year ago. “We’re all going to have to accept some changes [to salvage the resources wasted due to my last disastrous strategic move], but I’m confident this is going to be an important step [backward] for the company. And, who knows, maybe we’ll even have [no] fun [whatsoever] in the process.” At press time, Dannon was laying off several employees whose salaries amounted to the bonus he had received last year.
Mar-A-Lago Assistant Manager Wondering If Anyone Coming To Collect Nuclear Briefcase From Lost And Found #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Noting that it had already been there for almost two weeks, Mar-a-Lago assistant manager Chris Mahoney reportedly wondered Monday if anyone was coming to collect the nuclear briefcase from the club’s lost-and-found. “Someone noticed it in the dining room and dropped it off, and it’s just been sitting at the bottom of the bin ever since,” said Mahoney, adding that he had been asking people coming to collect their lost scarves and sunglasses if they might also have misplaced a briefcase attached to a pair of handcuffs. “You’d think whoever it belongs to would have realized that they lost it by now. Well, I’ll give it a few more weeks—if no one claims it after 60 days, it’s up for grabs, and I can see if someone on my staff wants it.” At press time, a man had mistakenly claimed the briefcase as his own before getting home to discover all the unfamiliar buttons inside.
12-Year-Old Who Got Her Hair Curled For Spring Dance The Very Image Of Old Hollywood Glamour #~# BELMONT, NC—Channeling the timeless elegance of the silver screen, 12-year-old Kaitlyn Falk was reportedly the very image of old Hollywood glamour after getting her hair curled by her aunt for her middle school’s spring dance on Friday. Sources confirmed that the well-coiffed sixth-grader, radiant in her JCPenney dress and borrowed Steve Madden heels, could easily have been mistaken for Audrey Hepburn as she applied a watermelon-scented lip gloss for what might as well have been a lavish soiree at Cary Grant’s seaside estate. And despite being a full four inches shorter than his leading lady, Falk’s date was reportedly the absolute essence of a Tinseltown heartthrob, a modern-day Clark Gable with his gelled-back hair, short-sleeve button-down shirt, and penny loafers that were worn a week earlier at a classmate’s bar mitzvah. At press time, the couple could very well have been walking the same red carpet as Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall as they stepped out of the Chrysler Pacifica chauffeured by Falk’s dad and basked in the flashes of their own cell phone cameras.
Stoned Extraterrestrial Stumbles Across Hidden Message After Listening To Golden Record Backwards #~# GAMMA CEPHEI STAR SYSTEM—Taking long hits of euphoria plasma from his electro-collider bong, stoned extraterrestrial Zogart 21X Flaxum stumbled across a hidden message Friday after listening to the Voyager 1 probe’s Golden Record backwards. “What the fuck,” said Flaxum, telling his fellow Zorlarts to come “check this shit out” and put their ear gills up to the speaker while he used a tendril to turn the record counter-clockwise so that Chuck Berry’s ‘Johnny B. Goode’ played in reverse. “There! You hear it? It’s saying, ‘Kill the Vorblox, children. Kill the Vorblox, children.’ Damn, this is some spooky shit. I’m not gonna be able to zard tonight, no fucking way.” At press time, the aliens had grown paranoid and were now fully convinced that some dark malevolent entity was trying to track them down them from afar.
Friend Of Bruce Springsteen Has Been Thinking Of Excuses To Avoid Checking Out His Band For 50 Years #~# FREEHOLD, NJ—Saying it hasn’t always been easy inventing reasons for not attending one of his gigs, local man John Gilman, 68, told reporters Thursday that he has spent approximately 50 years coming up with excuses to avoid checking out the band of high school classmate Bruce Springsteen.
Fashion Week Diversity Improving #~# The year 2017 was the most inclusive one yet for both New York and London Fashion Week, with 12 trans models, 30 plus-size models, and 21 models over 50. What do you think?
DC Executive Worried Batgirl Script Not Interesting Enough To Be Movie, 3 More Movies, 2028 Reboot And 4 More Movies #~# BURBANK, CA—While giving creative notes on the screenplay in a Friday meeting, DC Comics president Geoff Johns reportedly said he was concerned that a recent draft of the Batgirl: Origins script was not compelling enough to support a movie, three more movies, a 2028 reboot, and four additional movies. “Frankly, I just don’t see this having the legs to carry a feature film, a follow-up trilogy, a video game franchise, and then another prequel trilogy,” Johns said, adding that while the script’s first act “definitely works,” he worried the narrative would drag when stretched to a full 90-minute runtime, several more 90-minute runtimes, and a dozen more 50-minute runtimes as part of the Netflix tie-in series. “I’m just worried this starts running out of steam well before the end of the movie, the comic book adaptation, and the standalone spinoff movies telling the Huntress’s backstory. If a narrative can’t even sustain a single movie and a Lego set, let alone more than one syndicated animated series, maybe it needs some heavy revisions.” At press time, DC executives had decided to ask for a total rewrite after concluding villain Killer Moth was not an interesting enough antagonist to hold people’s interest for two hours and the length of several Six Flags roller coasters.
Audubon Society Revokes Black-Capped Chickadee’s Membership After Species Fails To Pay Dues #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that this wasn’t the first time the small North American songbird had fallen behind, officials at the National Audubon Society revoked the membership of the black-capped chickadee Friday after the species once again failed to pay its dues. “We believe we have been more than flexible with Poecile atricapillus, but every member of this organization is obligated to contribute its fair share,” said CEO and president David Yarnold, adding that the chickadee had simply ignored several notices about its delinquent account and the likely consequences of non-payment. “Even when we allowed the bird to make up back payments with just a small late fee, we received nothing, so we’ve determined that its membership should come to an end. Doing otherwise would be a disservice to the avifauna throughout our 500 chapters that pay their dues on time and in full.” Reached for comment, the black-capped chickadee told reporters it was never really that active in the Audubon Society and was probably going to quit anyway.
Military Aides Try To Cheer Up Kim Jong-Un After Failed Missile Launch By Putting On Surprise Execution #~# PYONGYANG—Following the country’s failed test launch of a new long-range missile, North Korean military aides reportedly tried to cheer up Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Thursday by putting on a surprise execution. “He was pretty upset by how things went yesterday, so we figured surprising him with the summary execution of a government official would be a great way to boost his spirits,” said Vice Marshal Hwang Pyong-so, adding that aides had worked overnight to find a disloyal judge or Korean Workers’ Party official and arrange the execution in secret. “You should have seen the look on his face when he opened the door to what he thought was an ordinary cabinet meeting and found a former vice chairman of the Central Committee tied to a chair, with a revolver nearby. He was smiling in no time and shot the enemy of the people in the face.” At press time, reports confirmed that Pyong-so and a dozen other officials who had helped organize the surprise execution had been hanged for deceiving the Supreme Leader.
Hundreds Of Blind, Pallid Disney Characters Discovered Living In Caves Deep Within Space Mountain #~# ORLANDO, FL—Confirming years of rumored sightings by visitors to the theme park, officials from Walt Disney World said Tuesday that several hundred blind and bedraggled Disney characters are living in caves deep within Space Mountain.
Islam: Myth Vs. Fact #~# In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
‘Capital One Is A Terrible Bank,’ Says Charles Barkley In New Capital One Commercial #~# ATLANTA—Addressing the camera while seated on a couch between Samuel L. Jackson and Spike Lee, NBA legend and basketball analyst Charles Barkley declared that “Capital One is a terrible bank” in a new Capital One commercial that aired Thursday. “Capital One is a horrible company that screws over all of their customers, and nobody should use them,” said Barkley while eating a bowl of chips in front of a television broadcasting a basketball game, adding that he could probably think of at least ten banks viewers would be better off patronizing, even if they have poor credit. “They don’t listen to any complaints, they charge huge fees, and the financial advice you get from their experts is awful. They just want your money and don’t care about you at all. I fucking hate Capital One.” Barkley reportedly then turned to Lee and Jackson and informed them that he’s never worked with two bigger assholes.
‘Yes, But How Did He Die?’ Ghoulish American Public Asks Of Recent Celebrity Death While Rubbing Delicate, Bony Hands Together And Smiling Thinly #~# WASHINGTON—A glint of curiosity in their otherwise lifeless eyes, the American public ghoulishly asked Thursday upon hearing of a recent celebrity death, “Yes, but how did he die?” as they rubbed their bony hands together and thinly smiled. “Was it an overdose?” said Mark Gansby of Chelmsford, MA, one of the hundreds of millions of Americans who licked their cracked, desiccated lips and wanted to know if he died peacefully or suffered first. “Was there blood? Did he die alone in a hotel room or something?” At press time, the nation had learned the celebrity had taken his own life and, saliva beading on the corners of their mouths, leaned in to ask if he shot himself. 
Yellowstone Places Old Faithful On 6-Month Loan To Acadia National Park #~# TETON COUNTY, WY—In an effort to give more people across the country an opportunity to visit the famous landmark, Yellowstone National Park announced Thursday that it would be putting Old Faithful on a six-month loan to Acadia National Park. “As part of our collaborative partnership with other members of the National Park Service, we’ll be loaning out Old Faithful, one of our most popular tourist attractions, to Acadia National Park in Maine, where it will be on display from April to October as part of a special exhibition,” said Jody Lyle, Yellowstone’s chief of strategic communications, explaining that the geyser would be installed at the base of Acadia’s Beech Mountain Trail and that access to it would be included in the regular park admission fee. “East Coast residents will finally get the chance to witness the geyser’s spectacular eruptions and get a real taste of the Yellowstone experience. And to give our visitors something in return, we will be displaying Acadia’s Cadillac Mountain at Hayden Valley during the same time period.” Lyle went on to say that in order to ensure the massive geyser would not be damaged in transit, it would be shipped in multiple parts and carefully reassembled upon arrival.
Sesame Street Introduces Autistic Character #~# This April, Sesame Street will introduce a character named Julia who is diagnosed with autism. What do you think?
Report: Anxiety Disorders Induced By Trump Presidency Not Covered Under GOP Health Bill #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the legislation would create major gaps in treatment for tens of millions of people, a new report released Thursday by the American Public Health Association found that anxiety disorders induced by Donald Trump’s presidency will not be covered under the new GOP healthcare bill. “Under the proposed American Health Care Act, those experiencing anxiety over the impact of the Trump administration on the economy, civil rights, or the environment, or just suffering from generalized distress over the future of the nation, will have to pay exorbitant out-of-pocket expenses for any therapies required to cope,” said policy analyst Jason Coates, adding that not even the groups who will need treatment most, such as immigrants, women, and the poor, would be covered. “Even as President Trump continues to enact more of his controversial agenda and make antagonizing public statements, millions will remain vulnerable to the resulting mental health issues. And if left untreated over an entire four-year term, they could develop into more serious conditions that will end up costing taxpayers much more in the long run.” The report also acknowledged, however, that Trump-related anxiety would result in billions of dollars in savings for elder care due to the shortened lifespan of many seniors. 
Man Sets Unsustainable Precedent Of Saying Hello To Coworker Every Morning #~# CHICAGO—Establishing a grueling pace he will be unable to keep up indefinitely, local man Gabe Fellman has set an unsustainable precedent of saying hello to his coworker every morning, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Oh, hey, Kyle,” Fellman said as he casually made his way to his desk, attempting to abide by the impossible standard for as long as he and his colleague are both employed at the same digital marketing firm. “Have a good day, man.” Reports later confirmed that Fellman had given up saying hello to his coworker in less than two weeks and was now on the verge of eliminating eye contact.
Study Finds Average American Hopes No One Saw That 12 Times Per Day #~# BOSTON—Tallying various efforts to act natural and pretend everything was fine, a study published Wednesday by researchers at Boston University found that the average American hopes no one saw that 12 times per day. “Over the course of a 24-hour period, a typical American prays to God about a dozen times that nobody noticed what just happened,” said the report’s lead author, Dr. Sheryl Rasmussen, adding that such events might be evenly dispersed among one’s waking hours or concentrated in a shorter, intensely mortifying time span. “Approximately every other hour, the average American will worriedly look over their shoulder and dart their eyes to make sure that no one caught a glimpse of what just took place, although it’s not uncommon for people to casually pull out their phone like nothing whatsoever occurred or simply stare straight ahead.” The study confirmed, however, that in all such instances, everyone saw and was savagely judging the person involved.
Sessions Rattles Baton Along Prison Bars In Speech Vowing To Crack Down On Violent Crime #~# WAVERLY, VA—Saying the inmates had best listen up and listen good because he wasn’t about to repeat himself, Attorney General Jeff Sessions rattled his baton along a line of prison bars in Sussex 1 State Prison Wednesday as he gave a speech vowing to crack down on violent crime. “I am your new Attorney General, and it is my sworn duty to put an end to the savage lawlessness in this country, so here’s how it’s gonna be,” said Sessions, who slowly paced the walkway of Cell Block C, rhythmically slapping his truncheon into his open palm. “What’s been tried has failed, so from now on, we do it my way. We’re gonna have ourselves longer, harsher sentences, and make no mistake, I do not just mean for adults. You had all best get ready, ’cause you’re gonna have some company in those cells real soon, and they’ll be staying for a mighty, mighty long time.” At press time, an inmate who had interjected that overall violent crime rates were at historic lows was thrown into solitary confinement “from now until Judgment Day” for talking back.
Players To Watch In The Sweet 16 #~# The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy #~# DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
Honey Nut Cheerios Pulls Bee Mascot #~# Buzz the Bee, longtime mascot of Honey Nut Cheerios, has been removed from the box to raise awareness of the world’s sharply declining bee population. What do you think?
How To Find The Right Therapist #~# Start by gathering referrals. Pinpoint your least broken friend and ask who they go to.
Woman Devises Latest Delusional Scheme For Burning Extra Calories During Workday #~# CHICAGO—Saying it was crucial to find ways to keep fit even within the confines of her office, local woman Diana Shearer devised her latest delusional scheme Wednesday for burning extra calories during the workday. “I’ll start using a smaller water glass—that way I’ll get more walking in because I’ll have to refill it more frequently,” said Shearer, whose fanciful notions of physical activity have also included taking the stairs instead of the elevator, visiting her colleagues in person instead of emailing them, wearing small ankle weights, and replacing her desk chair with an exercise ball. “Let’s say I burn four calories each round trip to the kitchen watercooler. If I make eight trips, that’s 32 extra calories a day, or 160 calories each and every workweek—and that doesn’t even count the five minutes of chair yoga I do after lunch.” In a stroke of mad genius, Shearer reportedly later realized that she could boost the number of calories burned if she walked 20 feet farther to fill her water glass at the cooler in the copy room.
Study Finds 73% Of Marble Statuettes Of Achilles Used To Beat To Death Wealthy Dowager #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study released Wednesday by the American Sociological Association, approximately 73 percent of all marble statuettes of the Greek mythological figure Achilles are used to bludgeon a wealthy dowager to death. “Our research shows that almost two-thirds of marble statuettes depicting Achilles brandishing a sword and shield are at some point used to strike and ultimately kill a widow who inherited the vast fortune of her late husband,” said study co-author Emily Reyment, adding that in over half of documented cases, the large figurine is silently picked up from a pedestal or mantel before being held high over the unsuspecting elderly woman after she had turned away to pour another cup of tea for her guest. “After crushing the dowager’s skull, 22 percent of the blood-stained statuettes are frantically wiped down with a handkerchief and then hidden in the hollow of a grandfather clock, while 15 percent are left near the body as the murderer rushes to tell the servants what he was horrified to discover upon entering the sitting room. In most cases, however, the Achilles statuette slowly slips from the fingers of someone the dowager has known for years and falls to the floor as they slowly back away and whisper, ‘Oh my god, what have I done?’” The study went on to confirm that roughly 60 percent of all porcelain vases are eventually placed in the exact spot where the statuette of Achilles once stood, but never look quite right.
Trump Expecting Ninth Grandchild #~# Eric Trump and his wife, Lara, have announced they are expecting a baby boy this September, the first child for the couple and Donald Trump’s ninth grandchild. What do you think?
FBI Calls For Increased Surveillance Powers To Keep Pace With Evolving Threat Of Presidential Administrations #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the issue was an urgent matter of national security, FBI director James Comey said at a press conference Tuesday that the agency required increased surveillance powers in order to keep pace with the continually evolving threat of presidential administrations. “Even with the vast tools we currently have, the FBI simply cannot keep up with the growing dangers posed by presidents, their cabinets, and other staffers,” said Comey, who called for a significant expansion of the agency’s investigative capabilities, including investing in state-of-the-art surveillance technology and hiring many more field agents to offset each new threat from an administration as it emerged. “Of course, keeping the country safe from presidencies is not solely within the purview of one agency, and we welcome the cooperation of the NSA, the Department of Homeland Security, and the CIA, as well as state and local law enforcement, in our investigations.” Comey cautioned, however, that even if the FBI had vastly expanded powers, it was still only a matter of time before a presidential administration horrifically attacked America once again.
Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now #~# CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now. “I guess he’s going to hobble around like this from now on,” said grandson Michael Adelstein, watching the trembling 77-year-old as he slowly shambled around the house. “There’s no chance it’s going to get better at this point, so we should probably get used to him dragging his stiff leg behind him. We’re going to hear his hip socket pop whenever he takes a step, and that’s the way it’s going to be, end of story.” At press time, sources in the Adelstein household reported that Grandpa Marvin was now in a wheelchair, which apparently is what he will use to get around until the day he dies.
New Evidence Reveals Christ Lounged In Tomb For Extra Hour Before Finally Rising From Grave #~# JERUSALEM—Saying they now understood the earliest moments of the Resurrection in greater detail than ever before, archaeologists from Cambridge University announced compelling new evidence Tuesday revealing that Jesus Christ lounged for an extra hour in his tomb before finally rising from the dead. “It’s important to understand that Jesus had been deceased for three whole days—he didn’t just pop up from the grave, ready and raring to go,” said Dr. Marian Sullivan, adding that physical traces she and her colleagues had discovered suggested Christ had sat at the edge of his burial slab for several minutes staring at his own feet, his death shroud still half-covering his face. “He took some much-needed time to just sort of zone out and shuffle around the tomb a little bit before having an extended bathroom break, stretching out, and finally ascending to heaven.” According to Sullivan, markings around the entrance of the crypt indicated that Christ at one point might have partly rolled back the stone sealing his tomb but then resealed the grave after deciding he wanted to lie back down just a little while longer.
Norway Ranked Happiest Nation On Earth #~# According to the United Nations’ latest World Happiness Report, Norway has overtaken Denmark for the top spot, followed closely by Iceland, Switzerland, and Finland. What do you think?
Oxford Comma Wins Court Case For Workers #~# Maine dairy workers argued in a recent lawsuit that the lack of an Oxford comma in their contract rendered its overtime exemptions too vague and that they were thus eligible for overtime wages, an argument that won them the case. What do you think? 
‘Could’ve Been Me,’ Grumbles Merrick Garland Watching Gorsuch Hearings At Bar With Fellow Highway Maintenance Workers #~# HOWARD, MD—Shaking his head and sighing as he viewed the televised proceedings, Merrick Garland reportedly grumbled “Could’ve been me” while watching Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch’s Senate hearing Monday at a local bar with his fellow highway maintenance workers. “I’m supposed to be sitting up there before the Judiciary Committee, you know,” said a visibly frustrated Garland, taking a swig of beer and complaining to the members of his road crew that if he hadn’t gotten “royally screwed” he would be on CSPAN-2 testifying right now. “It’s all a bunch of political bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, I like working with you guys out there, but I had that nomination dead to rights, and they snatched it away from me. Well, guess it’s time to get back to work—those dotted white lines aren’t gonna paint themselves.” At press time, Garland was scooping out debris blocking a drainage basin on an I-695 median.
Aides Wrestle Drill From Trump’s Hands As He Tries To Remove Obama Listening Device From Skull #~# WASHINGTON—Rushing toward the president as he pressed the eight-inch bit into his temple, several White House aides managed to wrestle a drill from Donald Trump’s hand Monday while he attempted to remove Obama’s listening device from his skull. “Obama implanted a microphone inside my head to record everything I say!” Trump reportedly shouted shortly before three White House staffers pinned him to the floor and pried apart his fingers to seize the power tool. “You don’t understand, he can hear everything we’re saying! Obama can even hear my thoughts! I have to get it out! I can feel it! I can feel it! I can feel it!” At press time, staffers were panicking after Trump locked himself in the bathroom and began cutting his stomach open with a razor blade in an attempt to find the tracking chip he said The New York Times had put in his food.
Man Keeping Running Total Of How Many People In Gym In Worse Shape Than Him #~# ENCINITAS, CA—Intently scanning the room for signs of fatigue or excessive perspiration, local gym member Brian O’Grady reportedly kept a tally Monday of how many people were in worse shape than him. “That guy’s been on the seated bike for like a minute and he’s already out of breath, and that old dude’s doing like 30 pounds on the shoulder press machine—so, yeah, that’s two,” O’Grady thought to himself, leaping suddenly into double digits as he counted 15 people limply moving their arms and legs in a Zumba class. “And I bet I could easily outlast four of these people on the ellipticals, plus two, maybe three on the treadmills—oh, and definitely the guy who’s been on the rower two minutes and could have a heart attack any time now.” At press time, O’Grady had determined that a muscular woman doing numerous weighted pull-ups was a professional athlete of some sort and would not count against him.
God Seeking To Crack Down On Souls Smuggling Drugs Into Heaven #~# THE HEAVENS—Following a wave of high-profile angelic overdoses, the Lord, Our Heavenly Father, announced on Monday a massive crackdown on drugs being smuggled into heaven, purportedly by entering souls. “We’re not entirely certain how this garbage is getting in here, but we’re going to find out and put a stop to it,” said God, referring to the roughly 700 tons of heroin and other narcotics being trafficked into Eternal Paradise and affecting every level of the angelic hierarchy, including reports of at least three archangels succumbing to opioid addiction. “St. Peter’s gate is going to be a key security point, and Peter has been informed that stopping the flow of drugs is now his top priority; to that end, entering souls should expect significant delays for the foreseeable future.” God acknowledged, however, that even these measures would do little against the methamphetamine that can be manufactured using ingredients easily available throughout the heavenly realm.
Report: Nearby Conversation Definitely Just Got Quiet To Prevent You From Hearing It #~# BURLINGTON, VT—Saying there could be no other cause for the abrupt change in volume, a report released Monday found that a nearby conversation definitely just got quiet to prevent you from hearing it. “There’s no question that your presence in the café is the sole reason the people at that nearby table lowered their voices,” read the report in part, emphasizing that the group had been speaking completely naturally up until the very moment of your arrival. “We also found that the change occurred shortly after a glance in your direction and that there have likely been one or more additional glances since.” The report also confirmed that the group burst into laughter once they had left the establishment and determined you were safely out of earshot.
Burger Sold At Auction For $10,000 #~# At a recent charity event in Dubai, a burger containing seven beef patties, aged cheddar, and veal bacon strips on a saffron brioche bun was auctioned off for $10,000. What do you think?
Jim Nantz Wonders Aloud What Holding Basketball Like #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Saying that he has always dreamed about the experience, CBS Sports announcer Jim Nantz reportedly wondered aloud what holding a basketball might be like during Friday afternoon’s broadcast. “It’s moments like this, as I watch these young players, that I imagine how truly amazing it must feel to hold a basketball,” said Nantz, marveling at the prospect of grabbing the basketball, lifting it over his head, or even gently spinning it in his hands. “A wave of emotion must course through your body while tracing your fingertips over those little bumps and the black lines on the ball. Gosh, it must be absolutely exhilarating for these young men when they finally get to hold a basketball. My heart is racing right now just thinking about it.” Nantz then reportedly turned to his broadcast partner Grant Hill and asked him to describe what it was like to hold a basketball during Duke’s appearance in the 1992 NCAA National Championship Game.
NCAA Tournament Really Disrupting Man’s Ability To Get Any Fucking Around Done #~# CHICAGO—Calling the games a “complete time suck,” 32-year-old junior sales associate Collin Hiller told reporters Friday that the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has really been affecting his ability to get any fucking around done. “Normally I’d be busy doing jack shit at the office right now, but today I’ve been completely distracted from that by all these games,” said Hiller, who had only intended for the tournament to serve as a brief break from aimlessly browsing YouTube, but instead spent the last three hours glued to the online broadcast at NCAA.com. “Christ, I’m so behind on checking out pictures of infinity pools, and there’s still a ton of crap to read on Twitter I haven’t even started yet. I want to catch the rest of this game, but I feel a little guilty not Gchatting with my girlfriend or just dicking around on my phone.” At press time, Hiller had simply resigned himself to pulling another all-nighter doing dumb shit.
Study: Climate Shaped Human Noses #~# New research has confirmed that different human nose shapes evolved based on climate, with wider nostrils benefiting those in hot, humid areas and narrower nostrils evolving to adapt to cold surroundings. What do you think?
Toddler Just Looking For Sensible Mid-Range Tricycle #~# HARLAN, KY—Stressing that he doesn’t require anything fancy, local 3-year-old Jacob McCormick told reporters Friday that he is only looking to purchase a sensible mid-range tricycle. “All I need is a safe, reliable trike that can get me around the driveway without tipping over,” said McCormick, adding that he didn’t need bells and whistles like walkie-talkies or motorcycle-revving sound effects, and that he would be just fine with a comfortable seat, sturdy handlebars, and, if possible, a small compartment where he can store one or two action figures. “As long as it has three wheels and can get me from point A to point B on the sidewalk in front of our house, I’ll be satisfied. I don’t want any flashy colors either, so I’d be happy with a simple red or blue tricycle—not pink. Pink is for girls.” At press time, while at Toys “R” Us with his parents, McCormick had decided to splurge on an all-black Lil Rider LED Space Traveler Trike for $79.99 and threw a tantrum when his mother told him he’d have to wait until his birthday a month from now.
Grayson Allen Recalls Struggle Growing Up Without Any Principles #~# GREENVILLE, SC—Recounting the difficult circumstances that shaped his development into adulthood, Duke University shooting guard Grayson Allen recalled Friday the struggle of growing up without any principles. “It was really tough not having any ethics, especially when all the other kids did,” said a visibly distressed Allen, adding that it was always hard competing in basketball games when he was the only one on the team without any sense of right and wrong. “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how it’s so unfair, but at some point I’ve just got to accept that I don’t have principles, and I never will. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that finding my way in the world without values was a blessing in disguise and made me into who I am as a person.” At press time, Allen told reporters that he would feel much worse about his lack of moral principles if it weren’t for coach Mike Krzyzewski’s unwavering support.
Convict Sentenced To Generating $80,000 To $100,000 In Profits For Private Prison #~# OLNEY SPRINGS, CO—After being tried and convicted of armed robbery and two counts of aggravated assault, local 24-year-old Elijah Rudin was officially sentenced Friday to generating $80,000 to $100,000 in profits for the privately held Crowley County Correctional Facility. “The defendant is hereby ordered to create a minimum of $80,000 in net profits at a medium security prison owned and operated by the CoreCivic corporation,” said Judge Gary Mueller, adding that Rudin will be processed the following day at Crowley County prison, where he will remain incarcerated until he has produced at least a 1.25 percent increase in CoreCivic’s stock valuation. “I believe this sentence is an appropriate punishment given the nature of Mr. Rudin’s crimes, the harm caused to his victims, and the fact that Crowley County Prison will qualify for a generous government stipend for housing a minimum number of inmates, per the terms of CoreCivic’s contract with the Colorado Department of Corrections. I sincerely hope, Mr. Rudin, you now fully understand the consequences of your actions.” Mueller went on to clarify that Rudin will eventually be eligible for parole on condition of good quarterly earnings.
Oceans Must Be Cooled To Protect Coral Reef #~# A new analysis of Australia’s Great Barrier Reef has found that the only way to prevent mass coral die-off is for the global temperature to hold steady or grow cooler. What do you think?
Report: Oh, Fuck Yeah, Egg Yolk Dripping All Over Sandwich #~# SARASOTA, FL—Saying that the plump liquid center had been broken and was trickling warm yellow goo on all sides, a report released Thursday found that, oh, fuck yeah, an egg yolk was dripping all over a sandwich. “Oh baby, just look at that,” the report read in part, adding that, hell yes, every ingredient in the sandwich was now soaked in the stuff. “Man oh man, it’s flowing onto the plate now. So goddamn tasty.” The report went on to say—sweet Jesus fucking yes—that a piece of crispy bacon had fallen out of the sandwich and could be dipped into the yolk.
Ivana Trump To Publish Memoir #~# Donald Trump’s first wife will release a memoir this September called Raising Trump that will include anecdotes from when Donald Jr., Eric, and Ivanka were children. What do you think?
‘Curses!’ Shouts Fist-Shaking Meals On Wheels Ringleader As Trump Cuts Off Gravy Train #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Throwing President Trump’s 2018 budget proposal across the room in a fit of anger, James Scheri, ringleader of the Meals on Wheels America program, reportedly shook his fist in the air and shouted “Curses!” Thursday upon learning that his gravy train could soon be cut off. “Blast—my scheme has been found out!” said Scheri, his face growing red with rage after learning of the Trump administration’s plans to eliminate federal grants that fund his elaborate moneymaking swindle of delivering food to the homes of elderly and disabled Americans. “The jig is up! Now that those damned feds have gotten wind, what will become of the grand empire I have built? And what of all my many mansions and luxury automobiles? My life of Community Development Block Grant luxury might be at an end!” At press time, Scheri was excitedly rubbing his hands together after realizing the government had yet to pick up on his secret racket to make billions through federal housing programs for homeless veterans.
Trump’s Budget Proposal: What You Need To Know #~# President Trump has revealed his first budget blueprint, which contains $54 billion in cuts while accommodating increased spending on defense and security. The Onion details the major elements of Trump’s proposed budget:
Trump Says Wasteful NEA Hasn’t Produced Single Valuable Work Since Claes Oldenburg’s ‘Giant Three-Way Plug’ #~# WASHINGTON—Defending his proposed elimination of the federally funded agency, President Donald Trump told reporters Thursday that the wasteful National Endowment for the Arts hasn’t even produced a single valuable work since Claes Oldenburg’s Giant Three-Way Plug. “We have not seen one single NEA-backed project come close to justifying its cost since the Swedish-American sculptor debuted his Pop Art masterpiece in 1970, challenging the way we grapple with questions of industrialization and decay,” said Trump, adding that taxpayer dollars shouldn’t support an organization whose body of work includes such underwhelming artistic efforts as the Joffrey Ballet’s The Rite Of Spring and the entirety of the Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival. “Sure, William Bolcom’s Songs Of Innocence And Of Experience moved me at times, but for every Pulitzer Prize–winning composer the NEA supports, it also funds 20 more derivative jazz quartets. Enough is enough.” Trump went on to say that PBS’s Evening At Pops, which ended in 2005, was the network’s last example of worthwhile programming.
Federal Judge Pencils Blocking Trump’s Unconstitutional Executive Orders Into Monthly Schedule #~# SEATTLE—In an effort to ensure he would have enough time on his busy calendar to make future rulings, U.S. district judge James Robart penciled blocking President Trump’s unconstitutional executive orders into his monthly schedule, sources confirmed Thursday. “I honestly don’t have a choice but to set aside a few days every month for reviewing and striking down whatever unconstitutional executive order President Trump has most recently issued,” said Robart, adding that having his carefully planned agenda repeatedly interrupted by responding to new illegitimate directives from the president would cause him to fall behind on his other work. “Analyzing an executive action, researching how it violates the Constitution and other established legal precedents, and issuing a ruling that stops the order from going into effect takes up a lot of time, so I’m making the process easier on myself. After all, I might be doing this for years.” Robart went on to say that he was also planning to save valuable research time by directing his clerks to gather all previous U.S. legislation dealing with unlawful detentions, racial profiling, and internment camps.
‘I Have Four Young Children,’ Says Kellyanne Conway In Most Disturbing Public Statement To Date #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that she always makes sure to leave enough time in her busy schedule to give them the proper attention, Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway told reporters Thursday, in what is her most disturbing public statement to date, that she has four young children. “I have four little ones, 12-year-old twins and an 8- and 7-year-old,” said Conway, sending shockwaves through the nation with the deeply unsettling comment, which inspired more horror than any remarks she has made sugarcoating the grave impact the president’s policies will have on millions of Americans, delegitimizing the press, or fabricating entire terrorist attacks in order to vilify immigrant populations. “With all that’s going on around them, it’s important that I instill them with my values when they’re young. No matter what, I want to make sure I’m a big part of their lives.” The nation was reportedly further aghast when Conway mentioned she had raised her two older children to guide the younger ones when she wasn’t around.
E-Book Sales Fall In Favor Of Print #~# The years 2015 and 2016 saw a distinct decline in e-book sales, while sales of physical books have risen steadily. What do you think? 
‘Matrix’ Reboot In The Works #~# Warner Brothers is reportedly in talks to reboot the 1999 hit The Matrix. What do you think?
Mitch McConnell Sees Infinite Healthcare Plans After Dropping Acid To Inspire Ideas For Obamacare Replacement #~# WASHINGTON—Seeking to open his mind to new possibilities for overhauling the U.S. healthcare system, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reportedly witnessed an infinite number of replacement plans Wednesday after dropping acid to inspire ideas for an Obamacare alternative.
Report: Saying ‘Smells Okay’ Precedes 85% Of Foodborne Illnesses Annually #~# ATLANTA—Presenting research with significant implications for public health, a report published Wednesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed that saying the phrase “smells okay” precedes 85 percent of foodborne illnesses in the United States annually. “We analyzed data from thousands of cases involving food-related ailments over the last decade and concluded that most individuals had given a quick once-over to leftovers and uttered some variation of ‘probably still good’ before spending the next several hours suffering intense stomach pain and vomiting,” said Dr. Robert Husted, director of the CDC’s Division of Foodborne, Waterborne, and Environmental Diseases, adding that cases of E. coli and botulism had been directly linked to individuals observing that the contaminated food “hasn’t been sitting out for that long.” “In addition, determining that grayish chicken Alfredo simply needed to be stirred or that an improperly covered week-old meatloaf would be fine once an outer layer was cut off almost tripled the chances of contracting salmonella.” The report also confirmed that thousands of Americans across the country are infected with a foodborne illness every year shortly after being asked by a friend or family member to “try this.”
Newly Discovered Journal Entries Reveal Sacagawea’s Repeated Attempts To Ditch Lewis And Clark #~# EUGENE, OR—Historians at the University of Oregon announced Wednesday that a recently discovered journal appearing to have belonged to Shoshone guide Sacagawea details dozens of times in which the Native American woman tried to ditch Meriwether Lewis and William Clark on their 1804 cross-country expedition to the western part of the United States. “I hid behind some rocks at the headwaters of the Columbia River, but they found me again—I quickly made up something about a special kind of fish I was kneeling to get a better look at,” the journal read in part, one of many moments in which an exasperated Sacagawea, claiming she “did not have the time to drag a couple of palefaces through the wilderness,” attempted to leave her incompetent companions behind. “When we get to the plains, I’ll dump them with the Pawnee. These two are probably going to die pretty soon, anyway—the red-haired one, Clark, keeps eating berries I tell him not to eat.” According to the journal, Sacagawea was at one point able to lose Lewis and Clark for several hours in a dense pine forest in Montana, but took pity on the pair and returned to free them when their fringed buckskin breeches became badly tangled in some bramble bushes.
Innovative Business Always On The Cutting Edge Of What Other Companies Have Been Doing For A Few Years #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Explaining how the company remains innovative in a fast-paced industry, executives from DigiVista Media told reporters Wednesday that the marketing firm consistently positions itself on the leading edge of what its competitors have been doing for the past few years.
Infant Injuries On The Rise #~# An analysis of emergency department data found that from 2003 to 2011, the number of infant injuries due to cribs, strollers, and carriers rose 23.7 percent. What do you think?
24 Million Would Lose Coverage Under GOP Health Plan #~# The Congressional Budget Office has estimated that under the newly proposed American Health Care Act, 24 million people would lose their coverage by 2026. What do you think? 
The Pros And Cons Of Quitting Social Media #~# Citing the stress of engaging with sites like Facebook and Instagram, many users deactivate their social media accounts for their emotional well-being, while others enjoy these platforms as a way of connecting with friends and family. The Onion presents the pros and cons of quitting social media:
Report: It Unclear Whether Opposition From Every Sector Of American Society Will Have Any Effect On Healthcare Bill Passing #~# WASHINGTON—As a growing number of interest groups, politicians, and media outlets continue to voice criticism of the proposed American Health Care Act, a report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found it was totally unclear if opposition to the bill from every last sector of American society would have any effect on whether or not it passes. “Although the AHCA has been condemned from persons all along the political spectrum, not to mention literally everyone else with an informed opinion, it’s still uncertain if any of that will have any bearing on whether the bill is signed into law,” read the report in part, adding that there was no way to tell whether widespread resistance to the bill from healthcare providers, Democrats, and both moderate and conservative Republicans would diminish in the slightest its ability to secure a majority of votes in Congress. “So far, the bill has drawn criticism from the AARP, the American Medical Association, the American Cancer Society, Planned Parenthood, Breitbart News, the AFL-CIO, the House Freedom Caucus, the National Council of La Raza, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the Club for Growth, the National Disability Rights Network, MoveOn.org, The New York Times, Tea Party Patriots, the CATO Institute, the Heritage Foundation, and thousands of hospitals—even if you combine all that with the White House’s own decision to cautiously distance itself from the legislation, passage of the AHCA is still somehow very much an open question.” The report went on to conclude that opposition from average voters was certain to have no impact on the bill whatsoever.
Report: You To Learn Names Of 3 Reprehensible Public Officials This Week #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that you will have no choice but to discover them one by one as news unfolds, a report released Tuesday concluded that you will learn the names of three separate reprehensible public officials this week. “Before the week is up, the identity of three public officials whom you previously didn’t know existed will be revealed to you based solely on their utterly disgraceful conduct,” read the report in part, adding that even a casual scan of the week’s headlines will be sufficient to introduce the names of these three loathsome individuals into your vocabulary. “While the names you’ll learn this week might belong to individuals who serve the government in different capacities, all will be equally despicable. You might become acquainted with them from their separate betrayals of public trust or from their contributions to a single larger outrage—either way, there is no avoiding these terrible people.” The report also warned that although you will learn the names of three additional reprehensible public officials next week, that will in no way help you forget those you learned this week.
Shaq Wondering When People In Southern Hemisphere Have March Madness #~# ATLANTA—Noting that things get “really messed up if you cross Earth’s middle,” Shaquille O’Neal reportedly wondered Tuesday when people in the Southern Hemisphere have March Madness. “I don’t think Australia or Tokyo have March Madness for another few months, because right now it’s October down there,” said O’Neal, adding that the regular season would likely continue until the end of November, which he claimed comes immediately before March in the “under parts.” “It’s probably pretty weird playing basketball down in the bottom places like Antarctica. The ball spins in the opposite direction, and I heard the possession arrow is flipped, too. It’s all backwards and stuff. Plus, after dunks you have to hang onto the rim so you don’t float away.” O’Neal then cautioned that players in other regions of the world must factor in the time zone difference when watching the shot clock. 
Trump In Possible Trouble For Tweets #~# The House Oversight Committee has found that Trump’s deleting and revising of his tweets could be in violation of the Presidential Records Act, which dictates specific protocols for archiving any statement ​made by a sitting president. What do you think?
Report: You’re Supposed To Tip Supermarket Cashiers, You Son Of A Bitch #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by The American Economic Journal, you’re supposed to tip supermarket cashiers, you selfish goddamn son of a bitch. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” the report read in part, going on to say that these people need that money to survive and questioning whether you’ve ever even bothered to consider what their lives must be like. “They get paid like two bucks an hour, asshole—what’s so hard about slipping the cashier a couple bucks when you hand them your credit card? You tip your barber and your food delivery guys, right? So why the fuck is helping out the person at the checkout line such a big deal? Man, you really are a piece of shit.” The report concluded by recommending that you take a moment to imagine being a cashier and dealing with ungrateful pricks like you all day long.
Oil Discovered In Alaska #~# Approximately 1.2 billion barrels of oil have been discovered in Alaska, the biggest onshore find in the U.S. in 30 years and a welcome relief to the state’s recent budgetary strains. What do you think?
Excited White House Staffer Sends Parents ‘New York Times’ Article Quoting Her As Anonymous Source #~# WASHINGTON—Excitedly drafting an email after discovering she had been included in the article, White House deputy chief of staff Katie Walsh reportedly sent her parents a New York Times article Monday that quoted her as an anonymous source. “Check it out, I made it onto the Times homepage!” read Walsh’s email to her mother and father, including the link to an article in which she is cited only as a “White House aide” while describing the dysfunction within the West Wing. “They only used a little bit of what I said, but I’m the one talking about how increasingly isolated Trump was and how he was alienating members of his inner circle. It’s the second anonymous quote, not the first—I actually have no idea who gave that one.” Walsh’s email reportedly also reminded her parents to record 60 Minutes this weekend in the event Steve Kroft uses the classified memos she leaked to him.
GOP Recommends Americans Set Aside Income From One Of Their Jobs To Pay For Healthcare Under New Bill #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to address concerns about the affordability of coverage, Republican congressional officials advised Americans Monday to set aside the income from one of their jobs to pay for healthcare costs under the newly introduced American Health Care Act. “Under this bill, you would simply set up a separate savings account for the total earnings from one of your jobs, which will ensure that you can comfortably cover your healthcare expenses each month,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan, adding that the GOP’s proposed Affordable Care Act replacement would keep healthcare costs for the average American from exceeding the entire salary of one full-time job. “If you budget things correctly, you’ll have plenty of money left over from your other job or jobs to spend on food, rent, and any other personal expenses. In some cases, healthcare will even be low-priced enough to afford using only the income from a part-time side job on the weekends. The important thing here is that this legislation will allow Americans—not the federal government—to decide for themselves what kind of healthcare they want and how many jobs they choose to have in order to pay for it.” Ryan also recommended that in order to be prepared for the added costs of a sudden medical emergency, Americans should create a dedicated savings fund using the money from at least two of the mortgages on their homes.
Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious #~# RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious. “The truth is we’ve been planning this for a while, and I think we’ll all just rest easier knowing she’s there,” said Reynolds’ nephew Mike Cooper of relocating the 86-year-old to the back of their minds, noting that, at this stage in her life, the most sensible place for her was well below their conscious awareness. “Obviously it’s not the perfect solution, but when a relative gets to be that age, it’s great to not have to worry about them all the time.” Cooper went on to say that his aunt would not be lonely in the family’s subconscious, as they had moved Uncle Albert there two years earlier.
High School Teaches Parenting Skills By Having Students Post Nonstop Photos Of Egg To Social Media #~# LOVELAND, CO—In an assignment meant to simulate the responsibilities of parenthood, pairs of juniors at Larimer County High School were each given an egg Monday and instructed to post nonstop photos of it to social media, sources reported. “For one week, students will be asked to deluge their various accounts with as many egg photos as possible, incorporating both candid and staged shots as well as emoji-filled captions about how happy the egg makes them,” said health teacher Beth Riddle, adding that top grades would be awarded to pairs who posted at least once per hour and made ample use of hashtags like #ParentLife and #NumberOneEggDad. “The goal is to instill in these kids the idea that being a parent is no walk in the park—you can’t just take one picture and repost it to different accounts. I expect to see the egg in a variety of fun outfits, the egg playing with other eggs, and the egg sitting next to pastel-colored blocks indicating how many days old it is. There are no shortcuts in parenting and none in this assignment.” Riddle added that students could earn extra credit if their egg became a viral hit and booked an appearance on Ellen.
Man Putting Off Starting Family To Focus On Treading Water In Career For Few Years #~# HAMPTON, VA—Saying he wanted to wait until the time was absolutely right, local man Dennis Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he was putting off starting a family in order to spend a few more years focusing on treading water in his career. “I want to settle down eventually, but, before I do, I want to make sure I spend a bit more time going nowhere in my job,” said Fitzpatrick, adding that he needed to make no discernible upward progress at work for a while longer before he could even think about having children. “It’ll take two or three more years of making purely lateral career moves to even consider becoming a father. I’ll feel a lot better about taking on a family down the road if I make time now to get a few nominal raises that will have zero impact on my quality of life.” Fitzpatrick went on to say he would be willing to delay starting a family even longer if he thought a promotion that amounted to a meaningless change in title was a possibility.
Henry VIII’s Castle For Sale #~# Thornbury Castle, built in the 15th century and used by Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn for several nights on their honeymoon, is on the market for £8.5 million. What do you think?
Tax Increase Could Save U.S. Infrastructure #~# The American Society of Civil Engineers has released its latest report card giving U.S. infrastructure a grade of D-plus, suggesting that a tax increase might be the only way to fund the $4.59 trillion needed for repairs. What do you think?
How To Keep Your Personal Information Secure #~# Encrypt any important paperwork in a three-speed blender.
Tips For Handling Office Conflict #~# If you witness an altercation unfolding, quickly gauge the likeliest victor before jumping in to defend them.
High School Athlete On Crutches Walking Around Like Fallen Hero #~# HARRINGTON, DE—Proceeding slowly while limping down the hallway of Lake Forest High School on crutches, 16-year-old basketball player Jeremy Moore was reportedly walking around Friday like a fallen war hero. “I went up for a rebound and just felt a sharp pain,” said the junior shooting guard of the mild ankle sprain sustained in an away game, gripping his crutches tightly and bravely soldiering on as though he were the last surviving member of his battalion in the Korean War. “It’s been really tough coming back here like this, but I did what I had to do for my team. Those guys are like my family.” At press time, Moore was reportedly overcome with emotion when the basketball team dedicated their season to him.
Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself #~# ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself. “When I offhandedly mentioned to Ben a new way the company might save on shipping, I in no way expected him to shoulder the burden of telling it to our supervisor—but that’s just the helpful kind of guy he is, stepping up to take all the credit without me even having to lift a finger,” said Fehrman, 34, adding she was beyond grateful to have been spared the 10-foot trip to her boss’s office to explain the idea and receive praise in person. “Thanks to Ben, I won’t have to worry about any performance bonus that might result from my creative thinking, and I can just continue to focus on the same day-to-day work.” Fehrman, who has not been promoted in eight years, went on to say that she was particularly fortunate that her department was staffed with plenty of men just as helpful as Graham.
Man Still Worried Parents Of Ex-Girlfriend From 7 Years Ago Hate Him #~# NEWTON, MA—Uneasy to this day over the possibility they consider him a horrible person, local man Will Donnelly is still worried that the parents of his ex-girlfriend from seven years ago hate him, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’m pretty sure Alison’s dad detested me, like I just wasn’t good enough to be dating his daughter,” said Donnelly, in reference to the romantic relationship that amicably came to an end in 2010. “Her mom pretended to be nice to my face, but I could tell she really didn’t like me either. And her brother—man, that dude definitely hated me. I don’t know, it still kind of stresses me out.” Reached for comment, the parents of Donnelly’s ex-girlfriend said they had no strong opinion of him, once they had been reminded of his very existence.
Mar-A-Lago Caddy Injures Shoulder Carrying Heavy Set Of Classified National Security Briefings Around Golf Course #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Having struggled to haul more than 30 pounds of highly classified documents for 18 holes, Mar-a-Lago caddy Simon Bauers reportedly injured his shoulder Sunday while carrying a set of President Donald Trump’s national security briefings around the resort’s golf course. “I definitely felt a sudden twinge of pain while walking to the 12th hole with all of President Trump’s intelligence briefings slung over my right shoulder,” said Bauers, adding that he was forced to lift the large, unwieldy assortment of CIA and FBI briefings with his left arm for the remainder of the day. “Hopefully it isn’t anything serious, but by the end of the day, I could barely pick up a few binders of intel on North Korea’s ballistic missile capabilities, let alone all the dossiers on ISIS. I might have to go see a doctor tomorrow if the pain doesn’t go away.” Bauers went on to say that he is at least glad Trump’s set of briefings has gotten far lighter ever since intelligence officials decided to withhold sensitive information from the president to avoid White House leaks.
Queen Elizabeth Rushed To Hospital For Royal Blood Transfusion #~# LONDON—Saying that Her Highness was now in stable condition, Buckingham Palace representatives announced Thursday that Queen Elizabeth II had been rushed to the hospital early this morning to receive an emergency transfusion of royal blood. “It was a dire situation—there was very little royal blood on hand owing to the relatively small number of donations made by the noble-born,” said Private Secretary to the Sovereign Sir Christopher Geidt, adding that Prince William ultimately donated the blood of royal descent that saved the queen’s life. “Unfortunately, Prince Harry was not a match for Her Majesty, and Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton was of no use, being of common parentage.” Geidt went on to say that in the event Queen Elizabeth required another transfusion, three-year-old Prince George would remain readily available to donate as much as was needed.
Mother Of MMA Fighter Recalls Son Punching, Kicking Shit Out Of Everything From Early Age #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying that his natural gifts were evident as soon as he started crawling, Jessica Enos, the mother of mixed martial arts fighter Cody Garbrandt, told reporters Thursday that her son began punching and kicking the shit out of everything from an early age. “Even as a baby, he was constantly whaling on his teddy bear with his fists and slamming the other stuffed animals up against the slats of his crib,” Enos said of the 25-year-old UFC bantamweight champion, adding that as a toddler he quickly developed a passion for sprinting across the living room and spearing his brother’s chest with his head. “Every time I turned around he was bashing his full body weight into the sofa or choking out one of the neighborhood kids in the backyard. Once he started going to school, the teachers all told me that he was clearly the best at roundhouse kicking his classmates in the face.” Enos then added that she would never forget the day she watched her son finally beat his dad in their driveway.
Secret Facebook Group Posts Nude Photos Of Female Marines #~# Though the authorities have tried to disband it, a secret Facebook group with 30,000 members is still sharing nude photos of female Marines, many of which were taken without the women’s knowledge or consent. What do you think?
St. Patrick’s Day Parade Excludes LGBT Veterans #~# Politicians in Boston are boycotting this year’s St. Patrick’s Day parade after organizers refused to allow a group of LGBT veterans to participate because their banner too prominently displayed the rainbow flag. What do you think?
Samsung Smart TV Owner Learning About Majority Of Features From Leaked CIA Documents #~# DERRY, NH—Admitting that he never fully understood the device’s capabilities, local man Andrew Thurston told reporters Thursday that he was learning about the majority of his Samsung Smart TV’s features from the trove of CIA hacking documents released by WikiLeaks. “Until I found out the CIA can hack into the microphone to listen in on your conversations, I had no idea my TV could even do voice activation,” said Thurston, 41, who only discovered that the 46-inch Samsung UNF7500 model that he had purchased in 2013 contained a built-in camera by reading that the CIA could be using it to spy on him. “I guess they can pull your web browsing data, too—I didn’t even know I could use the TV to search the internet. I thought it was just for watching Netflix and stuff. Man, there’s probably a whole bunch of other cool stuff I don’t even know about yet.” Sources confirmed that Thurston would not learn about most of the features included in his home’s smart thermostat, smart speaker, or smart baby monitor until subsequent CIA documents were leaked.
Salad Suppliers Pledge To Continue Including Just Enough In Bag That Some Will Go Bad If You’re Single #~# SALINAS, CA—In an effort to maintain stringent industry standards, salad suppliers nationwide pledged Monday to continue including just enough greens in bagged salad so that some will go bad if you’re single. “Whether it’s our 50/50 Mix or a simple chopped romaine, single customers can rest assured that they will always be left with a slimy, inedible clump of brown leaves at the bottom of the bag that wouldn’t be there if someone else were in their lives,” said Fresh Express CEO Marc Driver, adding that salad producers were united in ensuring that the refrigerators of partnerless consumers always contained a folded-over bag of soggy, spoiled vegetable matter that forces them to contemplate the possibility they’ll be alone forever. “You’ll know we’ve upheld our end of the bargain when you toss that quarter-filled container of rotting salad in the trash and wish you had someone—anyone—who you could come home to every night.” The suppliers also reaffirmed their commitment to including just the right amount of salad in their Spring Mix for couples in loveless relationships to always have their mouths full and eat in total silence. 
Americans Having Less Sex Than In Previous Decades #~# A new study in Archives Of Sexual Behavior found that the rate at which Americans are having sex has steadily declined since the mid-1990s. What do you think? 
‘Day Without A Woman’ Sees Thousands Leave Work #~# In alignment with International Women’s Day, women across the country are participating in the “Day Without A Woman” demonstration, leaving work Wednesday to highlight the injustices faced by women worldwide. What do you think?
‘This Women’s Strike Won’t Accomplish Anything,’ Reports Man Who Will Boycott Upcoming ‘Avengers’ Movie #~# DURHAM, NC—Explaining that the global display of female solidarity will ultimately have no impact on the supposed problems it addresses, local man Lawrence Randall, who will participate in a boycott against the upcoming film Avengers: Infinity War, told reporters Wednesday that the Day Without A Woman strike won’t accomplish anything. “No one’s going to even notice,” said Randall, who, as part of a “#DumpInfinityWar” social media campaign, will defiantly refuse to see the third installment of the popular Marvel franchise due to the repeated exclusion of Wolverine as a result of 20th Century Fox’s ownership of X-Men characters’ film rights.“If they really want to change things, they should find a valid reason to protest and actually do something real. They’re all clearly just doing it to feed their own egos.” Randall, who blasted the women’s strike as a “hissy fit that will accomplish absolutely zero,” added that he was monitoring previews for this summer’s Transformers: The Last Knight and would not hesitate to stay home and watch it fail miserably.
Women’s Strike A Sobering Reality Check For Subway Masturbator #~# NEW YORK—Alarmed at the aisles and seats all but devoid of female commuters, subway masturbator Doug Waters told reporters Wednesday that the Day Without A Woman strike served as a sobering reality check. “It never even occurred to me that this strike would have such an impact on my ability to discreetly pleasure myself during rush hour,” said Waters, adding he was suddenly forced to take stock of just how much he depended on women when rubbing his genitals beneath a jacket on his lap. “I see now that I’ve taken for granted the women I masturbate to each and every day, and it’s time I started appreciating what they do for me. I always knew I needed them—I just had no idea how much.” At press time, Waters was touching himself with a new sense of gratitude while looking at the model in a small display ad for a technical college.
Man’s Genetic Predisposition For Heart Disease No Match For 10 Half-Assed Push-Ups He Does Couple Times A Week #~# CHICAGO—Despite afflicting his father and numerous members of his extended family, local man Josh McCalister’s genetic predisposition for heart disease was no match for the 10 half-assed push-ups he does a couple of times a week, sources said Wednesday. “Three…four—ah, Christ—five,” McCalister, 38, said to himself, counting off the short set of poorly executed push-ups that were swiftly undoing the susceptibility to coronary artery disease and arrhythmia that was encoded in his very DNA. “Nine…almost there…nine and a half—agh, close enough—10!” Although the push-ups he currently performed already ensured that he would be spared the deadly disease that had been passed down unimpeded for generations, McCalister had reportedly vowed to get to 20 within the next six months.
Pope Francis Spotted Sunbathing Nude In St. Peter’s Square #~# VATICAN CITY—After setting down a small tote bag and unfolding a plastic lawn chair next to the Vatican Obelisk, Pope Francis was reportedly spotted Wednesday afternoon sunbathing nude in the middle of St. Peter’s Square. “He poured himself some ice-cold sacramental wine out of a little thermos, and then he just took off his papal vestments, got totally naked, and lay down to soak up the rays,” said 49-year-old Vatican City tourist James Leahey, adding that after roughly 30 minutes, the pontiff carefully re-anointed his entire body with holy tanning oil and then turned over to lie on his stomach. “He was flipping through a paperback Bible for a while, but then he tilted his miter down over his eyes and fell asleep.” At press time, Pope Francis had put his clothes back on and was preparing to leave just as Pope Benedict XVI rollerbladed through St. Peter’s Square wearing his usual neon yellow tank top and high, cutoff jean shorts.
Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun #~# CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun. “The suspect was driving erratically on his motorcycle when we pulled him over to the side of the court, at which point we uncovered a weapon hidden on his person,” said Chicago police officer Isaac Guerrero, adding that Benny the Bull then fled from authorities on foot, eventually jumping off a trampoline, somersaulting through the air, and barreling through several cheerleaders who were blocking his path. “The suspect then began firing indiscriminately into the crowd before tossing the weapon into a trash can. Upon recovering the T-shirt gun it was clear the serial numbers had been filed off, and we later discovered over 300 rounds of T-shirts stockpiled in his storage locker.” In addition to the current weapons charges, officers said that Benny the Bull might face further prosecution if ballistic experts can successfully link the T-shirt gun to several unsolved shootings at the United Center.
Scientists Announce Shrimp Just As Dumb As They Thought #~# WOODS HOLE, MA—Saying that their findings came as no big shock to anyone, scientists from the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution confirmed Wednesday that shrimp are just as dumb as they always thought. “Unsurprisingly, it didn’t take many tests to prove that our initial hypothesis was correct—shrimp are pretty fucking stupid,” said biologist and lead researcher Timothy Morris, noting his team’s utter lack of astonishment that something that small and that dumb-looking didn’t have anything going on upstairs. “I mean, it’s not exactly a revelation that floating around and eating stuff off the ocean floor requires very little cognitive ability. If anything, shrimp are slightly stupider than we suspected at first, which, believe me, was very stupid.” Morris added that the scientists were now moving on to assess the physical strength of shrimp, which they said, at this point, was totally unknown.
Man Forced To Reverse-Engineer Point In Midst Of Meandering, Absentminded Rant #~# SALEM, OR—Assembling what he could from the nonsensical musings, local man Donnie Sulkin was forced to reverse-engineer his point Wednesday in the midst of an absentminded rant. “Okay, so let me just work back and try to figure out what I was talking about at the beginning of this,” Sulkin thought as he hastily attempted to cobble together his original point from the few words and phrases he remembered saying while blathering. “If I could just rediscover what any of this was supposed to be about, I can salvage this jumbled diatribe into a semi-logical argument or at least one or two coherent sentences. I guess I’ll have to keep talking and hopefully buy enough time to figure out the reason I’m doing so.” At press time, Sulkin had realized he’d never recall why he’d begun speaking and was now just praying that people would start walking away.
Odds Of 2016 Audit Hit 13-Year Low #~# The year 2016 saw the risk of being audited by the IRS fall to its lowest since 2003, with a 1 in 143 chance of being examined by the government. What do you think?
Supreme Court: Juries Can Be Examined For Racism #~# The Supreme Court voted 5 to 3 today to lift the protection of secrecy around a trial jury if there are credible allegations that racism played into their verdict. What do you think?
Man Unnerved By Uncanny Alternate Universe Of Restaurant’s Second Location #~# GREAT FALLS, MT—The subtle changes to layout and decor preventing him from feeling totally at home, area man Ethan Kim told reporters Tuesday that he was unnerved by the uncanny alternate universe of local establishment Hickory Pit’s second location. “It feels so familiar, yet so alien,” said Kim, adding he was shaken upon arriving at the spot where the bathroom should be only to find a blank wall and profoundly disturbed by the startling realization that the seating area and bar had been flipped entirely despite the color and design of the chairs staying exactly the same. “Even though the font is the same, the drink menu and the regular menu have been combined into one, and they’ve reordered a few of the sections. It’s like I definitely know this place, but at the same time, I don’t know it at all.” At press time, Kim had reportedly settled down after being ignored by the waiter for 20 minutes, just as he would have been in the restaurant’s original location.
Obamacare Vs. The GOP’s New Health Plan #~# Obamacare: Those who don’t obtain health insurance are penalized
Rodent Clearly Making Its Way Through Steve Bannon’s Body Throughout National Security Meeting #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the White House chief strategist’s skin stretched and bulged as the animal scurried about, sources confirmed Tuesday that a rodent was clearly making its way through Steve Bannon’s body during a national security meeting. “You could see the outline of a rat or maybe a very large mouse scampering inside Mr. Bannon for the entire 90-minute strategy session,” said Deputy National Security Advisor K.T. McFarland, adding that at one point the rodent-shaped lump paused and turned in circles several times before darting down the former Breitbart editor’s neck. “I tried not to stare, but the thing kept peeking its head out of Steve’s nostrils. I just had to look away when its tail popped out of his left tear duct.” At press time, White House sources confirmed that a faint squeaking noise could be heard every time Bannon opened his mouth to speak.
Trump Accuses Obama Of Wiretapping Him #~# After comparing the former president to Joseph McCarthy, Donald Trump is asking Congress to investigate whether Obama wiretapped phone lines at Trump Tower prior to Election Day. What do you think?
Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband #~# LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband. “Now that I’m getting into my late 30s, if there was ever a time to get serious about having a second husband, it’s now,” said Roderick, who has recently been catching herself looking wistfully at other people’s husbands and remembering how happy she was the moment she saw hers for the very first time. “I have friends who are onto their second, sometimes even their third, and it’s just something I see myself wanting more and more.” Roderick added that while she was hoping for a second husband, she would be equally thrilled if she ended up with a girl.
NFL Scouting Combine To Phase Out Subjecting Draft Prospects To Vivisection #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Noting that the test’s significance has continued to wane ever since its debut in 1987, NFL officials announced Monday that the league’s scouting combine will phase out the process of subjecting draft prospects to vivisection. “While studying the internal organs of top draft prospects has long been one of the most anticipated and discussed elements of the combine, it is increasingly clear that teams no longer place enough value on these results to justify its inclusion in the evaluation process,” said NFL spokesman Greg Aiello, acknowledging that the test faced scrutiny after a string of several high-profile draft prospects failed to have any meaningful impact in the NFL despite impressing scouts with their cardiovascular systems, musculature, and bone strength during the live dissections. “Coaches and general managers have told us that they now see little correlation between such observations as the weight of a player’s lungs and their ability to produce on the field. We have also found that more players than ever before are choosing to forego their vivisection at the combine rather than risk damaging their draft stock, making the decision to eliminate the assessment a fairly easy one.” The NFL also confirmed that, with the termination of the test this year, Mark Sanchez would remain the only player to have achieved a perfect score on his combine vivisection in 2009.
Social Media Linked To Increased Loneliness #~# A new study of people aged 19 to 32 found that those who use social media most often were also the ones who reported the most feelings of loneliness and isolation. What do you think?
Middle Eastern Man Not Sure How Many Days’ Worth Of Airport Detention Clothes To Pack #~# MUSCAT, OMAN—Sifting through various items in his dresser and closet, 36-year-old Omani graduate student Raed Saleh told reporters Monday that he was not sure how many days’ worth of airport detention clothes to bring for his upcoming trip to the United States. “I definitely want to pack enough to last me the entire time I’m detained at Newark International Airport, but I also don’t want to overdo it,” said Saleh, adding that five T-shirts would likely be enough to avoid having to do laundry while he is being held for questioning by Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents. “I’m definitely going to pack a whole week’s worth of socks and underwear, and even though I doubt it’ll be too cold inside the cordoned-off holding area at customs, I should definitely have a sweater just in case. But I can just wear my jeans every day and then throw on some pajama bottoms at night so I’ll be comfortable sleeping inside the airport terminal.” At press time, Saleh had decided to also pack a book of sudoku puzzles to occupy himself in case his phone and laptop were illegally confiscated during his detention.
Study Finds Exposure To Violent Children Causes Increased Aggression In Video Game Characters #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—Suggesting a dangerous and potentially deadly connection, a study published Monday by the University of North Carolina found that exposure to violent children causes increased aggression in video game characters. “Our research shows that video game characters who regularly spend time with violent youths show a far greater propensity to act out destructively themselves,” said lead author Will Garland, whose team examined video game characters across an array of consoles and genres, and found consistently higher levels of antisocial conduct among those that frequently engaged with an aggressive child. “Even spending 30 minutes a day with these children can increase violent, even sadistic behaviors among video game characters, such as running over pedestrians with a car or bashing adversaries with the butt of a machine gun before riddling their already dead body with bullets.” According to Garland, the research also suggests that video game characters exposed to violent children demonstrate reckless disregard for their own safety in the form of leaping off buildings, clouds, or other high platforms.
Publicist Confirms Komodo Dragon From ‘Skyfall’ Pregnant #~# BURBANK, CA—Unable to keep the news under wraps with her client’s bump visibly showing, the publicist of the Komodo dragon from Skyfall acknowledged Monday that the lizard was indeed pregnant. “Roxanne is thrilled to announce that she is expecting little dragons of her own,” said Janet Kresbaum, adding that People magazine had already secured the rights to the first photos of the dragon’s clutch of eggs. “She is resting quietly in her nest for the time being while she focuses on keeping her developing babies incubated. She has requested that, beyond the information I have just provided, her privacy be respected in order that her new family not be cannibalized by other Komodo dragons.” At press time, co-star Daniel Craig sent his best wishes on this joyful occasion.
God Getting Strong Urge To Bring Back Dinosaurs #~# THE HEAVENS—Lamenting that the mass extinction event wiped out the reptiles too soon, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Monday that He has recently been getting a strong desire to bring back the dinosaurs. “I’m starting to think getting rid of them was a huge mistake, because dinosaurs were fucking awesome,” said the Divine Creator, fondly recalling how He would often spend five or 10 centuries just watching all the different kinds of theropods run, hunt, and fight with each other. “The planet is running pretty low on animals anyway, so now might be a great time to reintroduce them, maybe even make them bigger and more badass. Plus, I’ve always wanted to see how dinosaurs would interact with humans.” God added that if He got bored of the dinosaurs, He could very easily exterminate them a second time.
Heaven Prepares For Huge Rush Of College Kids Over Spring Break #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying this was by far the realm’s most hectic time of year, angelic sources told reporters Monday that the Eternal Paradise of Heaven is in a frenzy of activity due to preparations for the massive influx of college students expected over the spring break holidays. “In the coming three weeks, we’re going to get slammed with literally thousands of 18- to 22-year-olds, so we have to be ready,” said the archangel Raphael, who was tasked with drilling other Heavenly beings on special intake procedures for the new souls, who generally arrive in paradise extremely drunk and disoriented. “We’ll need to clear out at least a quarter of the first celestial sphere to make room for the Ohio State kids alone.” Sources added that Heaven’s preparations paled in comparison to Hell’s, where demons are projecting a sharp uptick of date rapists from South Padre Island.
Backstreet Boys Reunite For Las Vegas Residency #~# Twenty-four years after their founding, the Backstreet Boys have kicked off a 26-show Las Vegas residency, with all five original members playing through the band’s biggest hits. What do you think?
Adam Schefter Gives Sweets To Street Urchins Returning From NFL Front Offices With Whispers Of Free Agency Rumors #~# BRISTOL, CT—Meeting with his network of spies in a darkened, remote hallway at ESPN headquarters, NFL analyst Adam Schefter reportedly distributed sweet treats Friday to the street urchins returning from the league’s various front offices with whispers of the latest free agency rumors. “Gather round, my little scouts, for those with tidings of Adrian Peterson’s likely landing spot shall find themselves the owner of two peppermint drops and a sugarplum,” said Schefter to the barefoot, soot-covered band of crafty young beggars, shoe-shines, and pickpockets he has relied on for years to be his eyes and ears around the NFL. “There’s also a nice tin of bonbons for whoever can tell me the terms of Matt Cassel’s new contract with the Titans. Now, my dearest Timothy, what have you heard of the Browns’ plans to address their quarterback situation?” According to sources, Schefter was unable to confirm whether Roger Goodell would alter celebration penalties after learning the orphan dispatched to find out had been captured and locked in the commissioner’s office cupboard. 
Biggest Challenges Of Working In An Office #~# Constantly discussing the water cooler with your coworkers
Completely Sober Employee Still Embarrassing Self At Company Party #~# SEATTLE—Despite not consuming a single alcoholic beverage throughout the entire event, local marketing associate Patrick Liepert is somehow managing to make a complete fool of himself at Precision Intermedia’s end-of-quarter party Friday, fellow employees confirmed. “Just look at him—he hasn’t even touched the open bar, and yet he’s still knocked over a plate of buffalo wings and made at least two clumsy passes at interns,” Liepert’s coworker Katie Rankin said as the completely sober man, failing to pick up on social cues that a nearby conversation was over, launched into a meandering anecdote about his former college roommate. “It’s actually kind of impressive. Embarrassing yourself as badly as Patrick normally takes at least a few strong drinks on an empty stomach. But he’s gone completely sloppy from a seltzer water.” At press time, Liepert, whose last alcoholic beverage was reportedly more than a week ago, was telling his boss in too loud a voice how he would have handled the client presentation earlier that day.
Woman Who’s Been On The Pill For Years Thinking About Switching To New Set Of Debilitating Side Effects #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying that she had been using birth control pills since she was a teenager, 30-year-old Claudia Spencer told reporters Friday that she was now thinking about switching to an entirely new set of debilitating side effects. “I’ve been having painful cramps from the pill for more than a decade, so I’m thinking there might be an option out there that gives me excruciating migraines instead,” said Spencer, adding that she planned to consult with her doctor because she had heard that NuvaRing might work well at shrinking her libido and making her vomit. “I could also try an IUD, but I’m not sure it’d be worth it if I have to give up the depression I’m already experiencing from the pill just for the risk of a uterine perforation. In the end, I guess it’s just important that I go with the unbearable side effects that are right for me.” Spencer went on to say that while she liked her current anti-anxiety medication, she hoped adjusting her dosage might help completely destroy her ability to sleep.
Disciplinarian Parent Annoying Restaurant Much More Than Unruly Toddler Ever Could #~# FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Making a big scene in front of everyone, disciplinarian parent Michael Torres was reportedly annoying diners at Leghorn Grill Friday far more than his unruly toddler ever possibly could. “I’m trying to enjoy my dinner in peace, but that man yelling at his kid to sit still is really getting on my nerves,” said restaurant patron Susan Chen, who along with everyone else in the establishment cast irritated glances at the man screaming at the top of his lungs at his 2-year-old son for standing on the seat. “I mean, this probably isn’t the first time he’s acted out like this, so that family should know better than to bring him to restaurants. They should just eat at home until he’s ready to go out in public. God, I wish he’d just leave already.” At press time, customers were growing even angrier as the restaurant’s staff seemed content to just let the toddler’s father carry on like that for their entire meal.
87% Of Loud Crashing Noises Are Nothing, Report Top Experts From Other Room #~# WASHINGTON—Insisting to the nation that it’s totally fine in there and that they definitely don’t need any help, the country’s top experts from the other room reported Friday that 87 percent of loud crashing noises are nothing.
Study: Wild Elephants Only Sleep 2 Hours Per Night #~# Researchers have found that although elephants in captivity sleep four to six hours per day, in the wild they sleep only two hours a night. What do you think?
Colon Cancer On The Rise In Millennials #~# A new study confirms that while colon cancer deaths are declining overall, cases in patients born after 1990 are on the rise. What do you think?
New NHL Promotion Allows Fans To Watch Game While Frozen Underneath Ice #~# NEW YORK—Promising to provide an exciting up-close and frigid viewing experience, the NHL unveiled a new promotion Thursday offering fans the chance to watch games while frozen underneath the arena ice. “Throughout the month of March, fans in all 30 NHL cities will have the opportunity to sit just inches away from all the heart-pounding hockey action taking place directly above them on the ice,” said NHL vice president of marketing Brian Jennings, adding that, as part of the promotion, paying customers must arrive five hours before the faceoff in order to lie down atop the concrete slab before a layer of ice is installed on all sides of their bodies. “General seating will be available between both blue lines, while premium ticket-holders can be frozen in place right in the heart of the attacking zone. Whether it’s bone-crushing checks or clutch saves, fans can catch it all at 16 degrees Fahrenheit.” Jennings added that the NHL strongly encourages all participants to wait to regain feeling in their extremities before attempting to drive home after the game.
Russian Officials Scrambling As Plan To Delegitimize Western Democracy Moving Way Faster Than Intended #~# MOSCOW—Working frantically to readjust the schedule they had outlined back in June 2015, Russian officials admitted to reporters Thursday that they have been left scrambling after seeing their plan to delegitimize Western democracy move much faster than they had intended. “We originally had a two-to-four-year timeline to carefully undermine the legitimacy of the American political system, so we’ve had no choice but to suddenly push ahead on a few things we didn’t expect to even start talking about until at least 2018,” said Minister of Foreign Affairs Sergey Lavrov, adding that following the recent forced resignation of Trump National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, Russian officials had prepared for perjury allegations against Attorney General Jeff Sessions to arise sometime in mid-May at the earliest. “We were right where we wanted to be around November after slowly destroying the credibility of the Democratic party over the course of the prior year, but we never thought so much public trust in the White House would erode in a matter of a few weeks. We’re pleased, of course, but keeping up is going to be a real challenge.” Lavrov went on to say he was deeply concerned that Trump’s impeachment would occur well before the president could cause the amount of damage to America that the Kremlin had originally intended.
Jeff Sessions Spits In Face Of FBI Interrogator Trying To Get Him To Turn On Trump #~# WASHINGTON—Angrily dismissing offers of a plea deal if he would agree to cooperate with an investigation into the current administration’s ties to Russia, Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly spit in the face of an FBI interrogator Thursday who was attempting to convince him to turn on President Trump. “If you goddamn Feds want to know whether I’ll turn rat: Here’s my answer,” said Sessions, shortly before leaning over the small wooden table separating him and his interrogator and spitting directly into the FBI official’s eyes. “I’m not gonna crack, so you G-men can threaten me with whatever the hell you want—you’re just wasting your time. I’ll fucking die before I flip, so you got the balls to kill me?” At press time, Sessions had reportedly begun to break down and was frantically divulging everything he knew after agents asked him how long he thought he would last on the inside with all the people he had helped put away on marijuana charges over the years.
Heartbroken Russian Ambassador Thought Special Meetings With Jeff Sessions Were Very Memorable #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise and sadness at Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ repeated denials of contact with Russian officials during the 2016 presidential campaign, heartbroken Ambassador Sergey Kislyak told reporters Thursday that he thought his special meetings with the then–Alabama senator were actually very memorable. “To be honest, our two conversations hold great significance for me, and I can’t help but be upset to learn that Jeff felt otherwise,” said the tearful Russian diplomat, adding that he simply could not believe that Sessions could so nonchalantly dismiss the many hours they spent discussing the intimate details of their lives, including their innermost hopes and fears for their respective countries. “It really hurts to think that Jeff doesn’t cherish the afternoons we spent sitting in his office exchanging information about everything under the sun. These were some of the most meaningful discussions of my life, and Jeff’s writing them off like they didn’t even happen. How could he be so cruel?” Kislyak went on to say that even his subsequent communications with former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn never for a moment made him forget the precious time he and Sessions spent together.
Most Popular Young Adult Fiction Books #~# The “YA novel” has become an increasingly respected literary genre, entertaining teens and adults alike. The Onion walks you through some of the bestselling and most beloved young adult titles:
Area Man Accepts Burden Of Being Only Person On Earth Who Understands How World Actually Works #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Solemnly declaring that he alone could enlighten a human race crippled by ignorance, area man Aaron Krause said Thursday that he had accepted the burden of being the only person on earth who actually understands the world and how it works.
DNA Test Confirms Subway Chicken Only 50% Poultry #~# A DNA analysis found that only half the “chicken” in Subway’s sandwiches is actually made of chicken, combined with a number of other fillers and industrial processing ingredients. What do you think?
Ken Burns Not Sure How To Turn Down Ray Romano’s Repeated Offers To Narrate Next Documentary #~# WALPOLE, NH—At a loss for an appropriate way to respond to the messages the actor-comedian continues to leave on his phone, filmmaker Ken Burns confirmed Wednesday that he is unsure how to decline Ray Romano’s repeated offers to narrate his next documentary. “I keep ignoring his calls and letting them go to voicemail, but he just isn’t taking the hint,” said Burns, adding that the Everybody Loves Raymond star’s messages go on at length about how he would love to voice a historical character in one of Burns’ documentaries or perhaps even narrate an entire eight-part series. “Ray’s a nice guy and a fine performer, but the second I hear his voice on my answering machine, I think, ‘No way in hell.’ Maybe I could have used him in Brooklyn Bridge, but that was a long time ago. I just have to hope he tires himself out, I guess.” At press time, sources confirmed Romano had left a voicemail for Burns in which he praised The Civil War and tried his hand at some of Ulysses S. Grant’s lines, which had been performed in the documentary by two-time Academy Award winner Jason Robards. 
Barack, Michelle Obama Get Book Deals #~# The former president and first lady have each signed book deals with Penguin Random House following a bidding war among publishers that reportedly reached heights of $60 million. What do you think?
Woman Getting Stood Up On First Date Got All Drunk For Nothing #~# PORTLAND, OR—Saying she couldn’t believe she went to all the effort, 26-year-old Kara Velasquez expressed anger and frustration Tuesday at having gotten completely drunk just to be stood up on a first date. “What the fuck—I spent the last hour getting plastered for this?” said Velasquez, slurring and partially spilling her wine onto the bar at the Cavern Pub, where she had arrived early with the express intent of getting highly intoxicated before her date arrived. “I am totally shitfaced now, and for what? To have this asshole Greg or Craig or Tim or whatever flake on me? Unbelievable!” Determined not to have the evening be a total waste, Velasquez told reporters she planned to text an ex-boyfriend, but at press time, was vomiting in an alleyway in the rain.
Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday. “With an onboard system that recognizes verbal commands and utilizes full peripheral vision to detect potential hazards on either side of the vehicle, this prototype operated by the co-founder of Google is the future of driving,” said company spokesperson Shane Edson, adding that after the car was equipped with Larry Page, it was put through hundreds of thousands of miles of real-world driving scenarios, demonstrating an ability to negotiate city traffic and merge onto busy freeways. “The Google LP-1 makes driving easy. All you have to do is tell Larry Page where you want to go, sit back, and allow the billionaire CEO and internet-search pioneer to take you to your destination in comfort.” At press time, sources confirmed Google had pushed back the release of the Larry Page–driven car to 2020 pending urgently needed improvements to its parallel-parking function.
Bed Bugs Potentially Fatal #~# Though long considered a relatively benign threat, bed bugs recently proved fatal in the case of a 96-year-old Pennsylvania woman, who had sepsis following untreated bed bug bites. What do you think?
Buick Regal Named Best Vehicle In Class For Idling Outside Off-Track Betting Parlor #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Edging out the Chevy Malibu for the third year in a row, the Buick Regal topped Car And Driver’s annual list of best midsize sedans for idling outside an off-track betting parlor, sources confirmed Tuesday. “When you just need to pop your head inside the OTB to see how your ponies are running, the Buick Regal outperforms the competition across the board,” said Car And Driver editor Eddie Alterman, noting that the car’s heated seats were ideal for anyone who wanted to lay down a quick $50 trifecta before the window closed and then return to a cozy interior on the coldest of nights. “On the other hand, if your parlay’s going full tilt and you need to double down, the Regal’s great fuel efficiency lets you keep the car humming by the curb until you can find a way to get back in the green.” Alterman added that the Buick Regal had more than enough room to accommodate a driver’s girlfriend and up to three of her kids.
Man Trying To Leave Hateful Message At Local Synagogue Frustrated Phone Line Always Tied Up With Other Threats #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Growing increasingly exasperated at his inability to make himself heard, local man Alex Turner told reporters Wednesday that he was frustrated by the fact that he is unable to leave a hateful message for a local synagogue because the line is always tied up with other threats. “I make it a point to call every morning, but why bother when you can never get through?” said Turner, 38, adding that the line is so swamped by menacing calls that he often has to wait on hold half an hour to tell a synagogue staff member that Jews did not belong in his neighborhood, sometimes having to call back numerous times because he just receives a busy signal. “I’ve left a couple of messages on their voicemail, but I’m not sure if they even listen to those, and it’s usually full anyway. I’m sorry, but they should know by now to expect this kind of high call volume.” At press time, an angry Turner decided he would just hang up the phone and deliver his message to the synagogue in person.
Scientists Constructing Bricks From Simulated Martian Soil #~# To demonstrate how humans might one day build structures on the red planet, scientists have used dirt that mimics the composition of Martian soil to make highly durable bricks. What do you think?
Retired Ice Rink Manager Recalls Days Of Horse-Led Zambonis #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Fondly describing the throngs of children that would gather at the edge of the rink to watch the majestic animals smooth the ice, retired hockey rink manager Richard Erickson recalled Friday the early days of horse-led Zambonis. “When I first started working here, every one of our Zambonis needed a two-horse team to pull it across the ice,” said Erickson, who recounted the process of strapping the horses to the 400-pound coal-fired ice resurfacer that required a three-man buggy whip team to steer and operate before games and during intermissions. “Some of my favorite memories are the mornings I would get to the rink stables early to feed Coconut and Mary Lou before throwing on their leather Zamboni harness and taking them out to freshen up the ice. They would spend almost half an hour pulling that Zamboni in circles around the rink, and they just loved it when people would lean over the glass and feed them apples. Those really were the days.” Erickson did add that he didn’t miss the difficult and often dangerous task each morning of fitting the horses with skates.
Fetal Lambs Kept Alive Inside Artificial Uterus #~# Doctors have succeeded in keeping lamb fetuses alive for weeks inside plastic sacks of amniotic fluid, a technology they believe could one day help premature human babies survive. What do you think?
Man Who’s Only Halfway Through Life Can Already Guess How It’s Going To End #~# KATY, TX—Sighing at yet another totally expected moment, local man Bradley Wuster, 38, told reporters Friday that he could already guess how his life was going to end despite only being halfway through. “Let’s face it, the suspense is pretty much over—I don’t need to plod through the last half of my time on earth to know exactly how it’ll play out,” said Wuster, adding that while the first 20 years of his life were engaging enough, since then it’s been “really predictable stuff you can see coming from miles away.” “You can tell by the way it’s just repeating itself that it’s completely out of ideas. It’s painfully obvious that I’m gonna die in a few decades, but it’s like no effort was put into making anyone care—and unless there’s some major twist, there probably won’t even be another sex scene.” At press time, Wuster was wishing he could just skip ahead all the way to the end and be done with it.
Super 8 Offering Writers Residency For Anyone Working On Suicide Note #~# PARSIPPANY, NJ—Calling it an idyllic setting for penning one’s final goodbyes, Super 8 Motels announced a new writing residency Friday for anyone working on a suicide note. “Writers accepted to this program will be awarded free lodging in one of our motel rooms, off any highway exit they choose, where they can draw upon the environment for inspiration in crafting a letter expressing how they just need to end it all,” said Wyndham Worldwide CEO Stephen Holmes, adding that a small per diem for food would also be provided so residents who have already given away their life’s savings can purchase their remaining meals at the Wendy’s across the parking lot. “We ask all applicants to provide a brief statement explaining why they want to kill themselves, how much better off the world will be without them, and how they imagine benefiting from the Super 8 spaces that have inspired so many writers before them to take their own life. While the length of the program is open-ended, our writers typically choose to conclude their residency after a few days or even hours.” Holmes went on to say that Super 8 guests who aren’t part of the residency program often feel inspired to start writing anyway.
Chobani Sues Alex Jones For Defamation #~# Yogurt producer Chobani has filed a defamation suit against right-wing pundit Alex Jones over his repeated accusations that the company is “importing migrant rapists.” What do you think?
Mark Zuckerberg Touts Complete Lack Of Cannibalism On Facebook Live So Far #~# MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to defend the social network’s live video-streaming feature against recent criticism, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference Thursday to tout the complete lack of cannibalism that has appeared on Facebook Live so far. “Facebook Live is an exceptionally innovative and groundbreaking tool, and our team is very proud of the fact that, as of the present moment, not a single Facebook user has dismembered, cooked, and eaten another person during a live video,” said Zuckerberg, emphasizing that the real-time streaming feature had already been used by millions of individuals worldwide, none of whom, he noted, had consumed even one human body part on camera. “We are so excited to be able to offer people all over the world a chance to share their lives with others in a fun and simple way that, at this point, has not included the broadcast of any live imagery of someone intentionally and methodically devouring the flesh of their victims. With this powerful, revolutionary, and completely cannibalism-free tool, Facebook is totally reshaping how we connect with our friends and family.” After being approached by an aide several moments later, Zuckerberg reportedly retracted his statement and silently walked off the podium.
Ecuadorian Officials Starting To Get Sick Of Julian Assange Always Leaving Dirty Dishes All Over Embassy #~# LONDON—Adding to the already long list of grievances they had with their guest, officials at the Ecuadorian embassy reported Thursday that they were beginning to get really sick of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange always leaving his dirty dishes around the premises.
Justin Trudeau Unveils Plan To Meet Healthcare Needs Of Canada’s Aging Prog Rockers #~# OTTAWA—Saying it was only right to give back to those who had done so much for their country, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau unveiled a plan Thursday that would provide for the healthcare needs of the nation’s aging prog rockers. “Groups from Rush to Triumph to Harmonium are valued members of our society, and it’s our duty to ensure that they’re healthy enough to tour throughout their golden years,” said Trudeau at a press conference, explaining that a new bill slightly raising sales taxes would fully fund coverage for the increased expenses incurred by the nation’s elderly prog-rock vocalists, guitarists, and mellotron players. “While prog rockers represent over 5 percent of Canada’s GDP, they require an increasing amount of our healthcare funds, with The Guess Who and Voivod accounting for millions of dollars in annual medical spending alone. As band members get older and have trouble standing for the duration of 19-minute intros, remembering all the lyrics to their fantasy concept albums, or simply getting around a 40-piece drum kit, we owe it to them to do all we can.” Trudeau’s plan has reportedly spurred calls for similar legislation in Norway, where citizens will increasingly have to contend with significant healthcare expenditures for their large and rapidly aging black metal population.
Notable Commencement Speakers For The Class Of 2017 #~# Each spring, colleges around the country invite luminaries and public figures to speak to their graduating class. Here are this year’s most notable speakers:
Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust #~# DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust. “I truly believe that I could’ve been a terrible fit for an NFL team and flamed out of the league after a season or two,” said Parker, who was confident that he had the perfect combination of a poor attitude, a lack of focus, and an inherent laziness to fall short of expectations for a first-round draft selection. “I can definitely see myself proving that I’m incapable of handling the game at the professional level by showing up to training camp 20 to 30 pounds overweight and then sucking so bad that I end up at the bottom of the depth chart before eventually getting cut. Plus, I have no shortage of fuckup friends and family to distract me off the field until that happens.”At press time, Parker added that he could also imagine having a short NFL career and then turning to drug abuse and crime.
Plastic-Eating Caterpillar Discovered #~# Scientists have discovered that wax moth larvae are capable of digesting polyethylene, an ingredient in many plastics, offering a potential solution to the world’s plastic waste problem. What do you think?
Chemicals That Pushed Man’s Ancestors To Run Down Wild Boar Flare At Sight Of White Cheddar Popcorn Bag #~# KENNEBUNK, ME—Setting off a cascade of neurological processes that evolved in the human race millennia ago, the same chemicals that pushed local man Eric Steiner’s ancient ancestors to run down wild boar reportedly flared Thursday at the sight of a bag of white cheddar popcorn. According to sources, moments after his brain perceived and interpreted the relevant visual cues from the popcorn bag, a flood of neurotransmitters surged through Steiner’s hypothalamus, spurring him to pursue the snack with the exact intensity that his spear-wielding forebears displayed while chasing herds of swine for miles across the African savanna. Reports confirmed that, upon returning home, Steiner lunged at the bag with an adrenalized fervor indistinguishable from that which seized prehistoric hunters as they set upon a dangerous wild boar armed with razor-sharp tusks. At press time, the same digestive hormones that compelled Steiner’s most distant ancestors to strip every morsel of meat off the boar carcass was compelling him to scoop out all the cheese residue at the bottom of the bag.
Department Of Interior Asks For Resignation Of Obama-Era Elk #~# WASHINGTON—In order to ensure a uniform transition to the new administration, the Department of Interior on Thursday requested the immediate resignation of all Obama-era elk. “We are asking all elk appointed by President Obama, regardless of subspecies, to step down from their posts by no later than June 1,” said Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke, adding that the dismissal of more than a million of the ungulate land mammals was not unlike restructurings carried out by past administrations that wished to staff the nation’s forests and mountain ranges with their own personnel. “We would like to thank the departing elk for the grazing they have provided, and we welcome their assistance as we transition to the new herds. We are, of course, excited to start working with our incoming elk, whose migration patterns and antler-shedding cycles are more compatible with the vision of the Trump White House.” At press time, many of the elk that had been fired had taken to the media to bugle in protest.
Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean #~# ‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers
How Technology Will Change Travel #~# Rise of cell towers and increased internet access will eliminate the one excuse you had to not immediately respond to email
Raiders Agree To Pay Fan Base $16 Billion In Relocation Expenses #~# OAKLAND, CA—In an effort to retain loyal supporters during the NFL franchise’s move to Las Vegas, officials from the Oakland Raiders organization announced Wednesday they had reached a deal to pay their fan base nearly $16 billion in relocation expenses. “As a demonstration of their value to this franchise, we have offered all our fans a generous compensation package for the costs associated with their transfer to Las Vegas,” said team president Marc Badain, adding that each of the team’s 52,000 season ticket holders and nearly 400,000 other qualifying residents of the Oakland area would receive up to $35,000 apiece for eligible expenses such as real estate commissions and closing costs, the hiring of movers, and expenditures incurred during their new job search. “We hope all our incredible hometown fans will take advantage of this funding to make the move as painless and hassle-free as possible. We sincerely look forward to Raider Nation joining us in Las Vegas.” Sources within the organization confirmed that the relocation package would be subsidized by a new amusement tax levied on those who remained in the city of Oakland. 
Hospital Denies Teen’s Transplant Due To Marijuana Use #~# A 19-year-old Utah man was turned down for a lung transplant after testing positive for marijuana use, a controversial policy still enforced by many hospitals. What do you think?
Gap Debuts New Line Of Children’s Sweaters To Clutch To Chest When Son Goes Missing #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Calling it the “utmost in style and comfort for an ordeal no parent should ever have to go through,” The Gap unveiled Wednesday its new Hope Against Hope collection of sweaters designed to be held tightly to the chest when one’s son has gone missing. “This sweater is perfect for anxiously clutching while you try to quiet the thoughts that have been racing nonstop through your mind since you got the call two weeks ago that your son didn’t show up for school,” said the company’s director of marketing Sandra Ostrov, adding that the sweater ranged from extra-small to “huskier” sizes to accommodate any boy who remains unreachable despite literally hundreds of calls placed by his terrified parents to his cell phone. “You’ll love the softness of 100 percent merino wool as you drop to your knees, hold the sweater close to your tear-streaked face, and rock back and forth repeating his name, hoping to God to wake up from this nightmare.” Ostrov went on to say that at just $24.99, the sweaters are affordable enough for parents with two sons who disappeared last month on a hiking trip.
Gorsuch Nervous About Showering In Front Of Other Supreme Court Justices #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he has come to dread the end of each day’s session, recently sworn-in U.S. Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch revealed to reporters Wednesday that he remains bashful about showering in front of his new colleagues.
Christ Appears In Roman Court To Contest 2,000-Year-Old Riot Charges #~# ROME—Complaining that He had better things to do than get up early to contest the “totally bullshit” claims, Jesus Christ, Light of the World and Lamb of God, reportedly appeared in Roman Municipal Court on Wednesday to face several 2,000-year-old riot charges. “Like, I wasn’t even in Jerusalem during the Cleansing of the Temple, so I have no clue why I’m being accused of all this stuff,” said Christ, who elected to represent Himself in the proceedings, during which He forcefully denied a series of millennia-old allegations including disturbing the peace by overturning the tables of moneylenders, incitement to riot by pouring out their coins, and flouting Roman open-container laws by carrying a chalice of red wine in the streets of Galilee. “I’ve been getting these harassing summons letters every three weeks for, like, thousands of years, but how can you expect me to show up when I haven’t been anywhere near the earthly realm in forever? Well, I’m here now, so maybe when the judge is done with his little power trip, he can show me the slightest bit of evidence that I broke even one single law. This is such blatant fascism, it’s not even funny.” At press time, Christ had begrudgingly agreed to plead guilty to a single misdemeanor charge and pay a fine of 500 Roman denarii.
Metallica Board Of Directors Debates Whether New Riff Will Have Negative Impact On Shareholder Value #~# LOS ANGELES—Weighing the pros and cons of the palm-muted low-E-string lick, Metallica’s 12-member board of directors reportedly debated Wednesday whether lead guitarist Kirk Hammett’s newest riff might negatively impact the band’s shareholder value. “Frankly, I don’t see any downside—when Kirk drops in after the intro with that feedback-heavy all-out assault on the lower register, it just melts your fucking face off,” said band CEO Don Herbst, rebutting the claim made by some of his colleagues that, given the current business climate, shareholders stood to “lose their asses” on a stripped-back Master Of Puppets–era hook dominated by cleanly picked minor dyads. “I get the argument that you might be able to goose your ROI by a few percentage points with a tremolo groove that gets more and more vicious with each repetition. But to hack its balls off by cutting the tempo to anything less than 180 [beats per minute] would be ludicrous from a cost-benefit perspective.” According to reports, the board later voted to sell off 200,000 units of stock to finance a chest-exploding, Trujillo-driven bass harmony.
Astronaut Sets NASA Record For Most Days In Space #~# Breaking the previous record of 534 days, NASA astronaut Peggy Whitson has now spent more time in space than any other American. What do you think?
Opioid Deaths Could Be Underestimated #~# According to the CDC, the U.S. opioid crisis might be even deadlier than previously thought, as these drugs are not recorded as a cause of death in many opioid-related fatalities. What do you think?
Mel Kiper Shrugs Off Amorous Feelings Toward Big Board While Working Late One Night #~# BRISTOL, CT—Seeing the rolling corkboard in a way he never had before, ESPN analyst Mel Kiper Jr. reportedly shrugged off amorous feelings toward his 2017 NFL Draft Big Board while working late one night in his office, sources confirmed Tuesday. “We were capping off another marathon workday with a few drinks, which turned into a few more, and the next thing you know we were inches apart and I wasn’t sure I could resist exploring this sudden, undeniable attraction,” said Kiper, adding that working so closely side-by-side for months in preparation for the Draft had slowly eroded the courteous professional distance he had always maintained with the 10-foot-wide bulletin board used to catalog and rank NFL prospects. “Did my mind wander in that special moment to what could have been? Sure. But then I thought of my wife and my daughter, whom I love more than anything in the world, and I remember why I stopped it from going further than a kiss.” Kiper also admitted to reporters that the amount of time fellow analyst Todd McShay has recently begun spending with the Big Board has started to make him jealous and even paranoid.
University Of Nevada Renames Vito Corleone School Of Business Following Latest Accusations Against Benefactor #~# RENO, NV—Saying any suggestion of criminal activity was incompatible with the school’s values, the University of Nevada announced Tuesday that it will rename the Vito Corleone School of Business in the wake of accusations against the benefactor, the late Michael Corleone. “While we will forever be grateful to the Corleone family for more than 60 years of generous support, we cannot allow our institution to remain in the shadow of these allegations,” said University of Nevada president Marc Johnson, who acted in response to widespread community pressure following newly uncovered evidence that Corleone, heir to the Genco Pura Olive Oil fortune, was involved in money laundering, bribery of state officials, and the 1955 disappearance of Manhattan bookkeeper Carlo Rizzi. “This is indeed a sad day for the community as we must cut ties with a family that has provided so much for our university, including the recent expansion of Sonny Field and the continued funding of the Peter Clemenza Endowed Chair in Neuroscience. However, we believe this action is in the best interest of our university, and we wish the Corleone family the best in their future endeavors.” Sources confirmed that the decision to part ways with the school’s largest donor comes at a time when it is already struggling with the substantial spending cuts that were the cornerstone of the latest budget signed by Governor Pat Geary Jr.
Sometimes It Feels Like I’m In Prison Too, But Then I Go Home #~# The lockup is a bleak place. You’re surrounded on all sides by reinforced cement and barbed wire, staring eye to eye with some of the most dangerous people you’ll ever meet. An environment like that really gets to you after a while. In fact, sometimes I feel like I’m in prison, too.
A Timeline Of U.S.–North Korean Relations #~# As tensions mount between North Korea and American allies, The Onion looks back at key moments in the relationship between the U.S. and North Korea.
Hash Browns Recalled For ‘Extraneous Golf Ball Materials’ #~# McCain Foods USA has recalled frozen hash browns sold at Roundy’s and Harris Teeter due to golf ball pieces that may have been harvested along with the potatoes used in the product. What do you think?
Closed Shop In Gentrifying Neighborhood To Emerge From Chrysalis As Beautiful Gastropub #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Six months after going out of business as Sherelle’s Salon, a closed storefront in the rapidly gentrifying neighborhood of Crown Heights was on the verge of emerging from its chrysalis as a beautiful gastropub, sources confirmed Tuesday. “It’s so exciting to watch the transformation—I’ve been peeking through the papered-over windows, and bit by bit you can see a cute little spot for creative comfort food taking shape,” said neighborhood resident Jessica Tasker, who since moving into a nearby renovated condominium has eagerly observed several businesses at different stages of metamorphosis. “I think I can see a bit of the open kitchen forming. It’s amazing to think that in just a few weeks, it’ll develop a full wood-fired oven for its peasant flatbread pizzas. Oh look, that must be a cask of small-batch whiskey! It won’t be long now.” At press time, the gorgeous gastropub had fully broken free from its casing, and there was at least a 90-minute wait to see it.
McDonald’s To Introduce Mobile Ordering #~# Following in the footsteps of Panera, Domino’s, and Starbucks, McDonald’s reportedly plans to have mobile ordering and curbside pickup available at all of its U.S. locations by the end of 2017. What do you think?
Trump Promises Government Will Continue To Fund All Essential Mar-A-Lago Staff During Shutdown #~# WASHINGTON—Saying his administration was fully prepared in the event Congress does not pass a new budget by the end of the week, President Trump promised Monday that all essential Mar-a-Lago staff will continue to be funded during a government shutdown. “Even if Congress can’t get a budget done, the American people can rest assured that all vital cabana and golf course employees will continue to perform their duties uninterrupted,” said Trump, explaining that temporary appropriations bills would exempt crucial waiters, chefs, drivers, and housekeeping staff from any action that will close entire agencies and prevent thousands of federal employees from reporting to work. “Until a new budget gets passed, however, we will have no choice but to put all Mar-a-Lago pool boys and lifeguards on furlough and institute a hiring freeze across all landscaping departments. But while any shutdown can’t help but have some negative impact—the kitchen could run out of some appetizers, and guests’ bags might take longer to get up to their rooms—I want to assure all Americans that the core amenities of Mar-a-Lago will remain intact for the duration.” Trump went on to say, however, that if Mar-a-Lago were forced to reduce the hours its tennis courts were open, outraged citizens should blame the Democrats.
God Pissed After Learning Cost To Replace Earth’s Core #~# THE HEAVENS—Grumbling aloud as He looked in disbelief at the quote He received from a contractor, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly became pissed Monday after learning how much it would cost to replace the earth’s core. “I knew putting in a new core was going to set me back a little, but jeez, this is just outrageous,” said the irate Creator of All Things, who added that He could tell the guy giving Him the estimate was “trying to screw [Him] over,” noting that He had the atmosphere on Uranus fixed for half the cost two millennia ago even though that planet is “way bigger.” “That guy also said the mantle is in pretty bad shape and that I should get that replaced too while I’m at it, and then he said I’d have to put in all new volcanoes that are compatible with all of that. Once you factor in parts and labor, this is fricking highway robbery.” God later mentioned that at such a high price point, there was “really no use” in replacing the earth’s core, as the whole planet only had a few usable years left anyway.
Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish #~# RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish. “Man, he must really get off on that,” said 29-year-old warehouse manager Thomas Alden, looking askance as the smiling man walked down the sidewalk making no attempt to conceal the fact that he was gently squeezing the pregnant woman’s fingers. “I mean, if you’re into that, I guess more power to—oh, gross. Now he’s rubbing her belly. He’s just flaunting it now. What a complete fucking freak.” At press time, the woman had been asked when she was due by a kind elderly passerby who observers presumed was part of the same bizarre kink community.
Diet Soda Linked To Stroke, Dementia Risks #~# Drinking diet soda has recently been shown to increase risk of both stroke and dementia, perhaps due to artificial sweetening agents blocking blood vessels. What do you think?
Cameron Diaz Finally Opens Up About Generally Positive Experience In Show Business #~# LOS ANGELES—Revealing for the first time how everything went pretty much according to plan, Cameron Diaz finally opened up in a wide-ranging interview Monday about her more or less positive show business experience. “After more than two decades in Hollywood, it’s good to get this off my chest: my life as an actress has basically progressed the way I always hoped it would, with a steady stream of roles that have fulfilled me both creatively and professionally,” said Diaz, who reportedly decided that the time had come to speak candidly about the close relationships with friends and family that sustain her when she’s not jetting around the world to shoot roles in blockbuster films that will pay her millions. “Sure, there’s the public Cameron Diaz who seems so happy—and very much is—but then there’s the off-camera Cameron Diaz, the grounded one with enough perspective to make time for numerous other hobbies and interests apart from the entertainment industry. It’s been a smooth ride pretty much from day one, so I’m hoping people can benefit from my story and make the exact same decisions I did.” Diaz went on to say that even under the same highly agreeable circumstances, she would definitely do it all again.
Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately #~# VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately. “I realize she hasn’t been fit and healthy in quite some time, but man oh man, Grandma’s looking plain old rough these days,” said Delahunt’s granddaughter Michelle, adding that her grandmother seemed to have “really been put through the wringer” since they visited her over Christmas. “I don’t know what happened to her these past few months, but this woman has taken a beating. Jesus Christ, tell me this is as bad as it’s gonna get. I don’t even know how it gets any worse.” Family sources later confirmed that Grandpa looked pretty good.
Umbilical Cord Could Repair Memory #~# A protein compound found in human umbilical cords was recently shown to rejuvenate the brain function of aging mice. What do you think?
A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation #~# Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
Woman Knows To Stay Away From Certain Parts Of Own Psyche At Night #~# URBANA, IL—Saying there are places it’s best to avoid once the sun goes down, local woman Annabelle Fulton told reporters Friday that she knows to stay away from certain parts of her own psyche at night. “Just to be safe, I always make a point of steering clear of dark areas of my subconscious once it starts getting late,” said Fulton, adding that while maybe nothing would happen, there was no point in chancing it. “If I’m going out for the evening, I stick to familiar thoughts I can trust, especially if I’ve been drinking. I definitely don’t want to be wandering my mind aimlessly—one wrong turn can mean disaster.” Fulton went on to say there were headspaces that were so unsettling, she keeps her distance from them even in broad daylight.
U.S. Funneling Arms To Dissident Angel Group In Effort To Topple God #~# THE HEAVENS—Blowing the lid off an ongoing plot to help destabilize His Eternal Kingdom, highly placed sources within the intelligence community revealed Friday that the United States has been funneling weapons to a dissident group of angels in an attempt to overthrow God.
Man Coming To Terms With Fact That Shower Not Getting Any Hotter #~# POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—Resigning himself to his lukewarm fate, local man Marshall Bregman was at last coming to terms with the fact that his shower was not getting any hotter, sources said Friday. “I didn’t want to believe it, but it’s clear to me now that this shower is as hot as it will ever get,” said Bregman, adding that it was pointless to even wonder why, as he was powerless to effect any change. “I tried everything, from turning the knob all the way to giving it a good 10 minutes to get nice and steamy, but it’s not meant to be. You can only feel under the faucet for a rise in temperature for so long before you have no choice but to fully accept the situation. If nothing else, there’s a kind of peace that comes with acceptance.” At press time, Bregman was giving the shower just one more minute to heat up.
Study: Psychedelics Lead To ‘Higher State Of Consciousness’ #~# Scientists have found that psychedelic drugs such as LSD increase the mathematical diversity of brain activity, thus achieving a “higher state of consciousness.” What do you think?
Mike Pence Has Long Heart-To-Heart With Staffer Who Came To Work With Coffee On Breath #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that he was really worried about her and only wanted to help, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly had a long heart-to-heart conversation Friday with a staffer who came to work with coffee on her breath. “Look, I know you’re trying to hide it, but I can smell it—you’ve been drinking coffee, haven’t you?” said Pence, who had confronted aide Dana O’Brien with the allegation after summoning her to his office, gently closing the door, and assuring her that she was not in any trouble whatsoever. “I just want you to get the help you need, and if that means taking some time off work to get clean, you have my full support. And listen, I know I’m your boss, but if you want to talk to someone about your problems, you can always knock on my door.” At press time, Pence was kindly reminding another employee whom he caught drinking a ginger ale for the third time in a week that he has a wife and children who love him very much.
Serena Williams Pregnant #~# After posing a Snapchat announcement and then quickly deleting it, tennis star Serena Williams has confirmed she is pregnant. What do you think?
Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk #~# NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel. “God, I have so many great memories from this place,” said the longtime host of The O’Reilly Factor as he stared down at the 8-by-10 glossy print showing a woman’s exposed underwear taken from underneath a news desk, before wrapping it in tissue paper and placing it gently in a cardboard box alongside a smaller three-panel frame containing photos of various women’s bare thighs. “I worked with some truly amazing people who showed me some incredible things over the years. I’m really going to miss everything I got to do at this place—it was always such a good time. It’s hard to let go.” At press time, O’Reilly was seen wiping away a tear from the corner of his eye and popping a small down-blouse photo of a woman’s cleavage out of its frame and placing it carefully in his wallet.
Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother #~# ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.
Berkeley Campus On Lockdown After Loose Pages From ‘Wall Street Journal’ Found On Park Bench #~# BERKELEY, CA—Advising students to remain in their dormitories and classrooms until the situation was resolved, the University of California, Berkeley declared a campuswide lockdown Thursday after several loose pages from The Wall Street Journal were found on a park bench outside a school building. “At 11:15 this morning, several pages from two separate sections of today’s Wall Street Journal were discovered spread across a bench outside of Eshleman Hall in Lower Sproul Plaza,” read the urgent alert sent to all students and faculty, emphasizing that while campus security and local police had safely disposed of the pages, there was no way of knowing if others were strewn elsewhere on university grounds. “As of now, the perpetrator remains at large, so it is vital that you stay where you are until the all-clear is given. In the meantime, notify police immediately if you have any additional information at all regarding this incident.” At press time, a black-clad group of 50 students were throwing bottles at the bench while chanting, “No Nazis, No KKK, No Fascist U.S.A!”
Pope Francis Scouring Papal Tombs For Final Easter Egg Of Vatican Hunt #~# VATICAN CITY—Recalling that he hid it somewhere among the dozens of sarcophagi underneath St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis was reportedly scouring the papal tombs Thursday in search of the final egg from the Vatican Easter Egg Hunt. “If I can’t find this egg, the catacombs will totally reek,” said the frustrated bishop of Rome while rifling through the final resting place of holy pontiffs, crawling on his hands and knees on the crypt floor to peek under the reliquary of Saint Peter. “I found all the eggs tucked away in the Pietà, the tabernacle, and confessional, and the one I hid in the hands of the embalmed body of Pope John XXIII, so the last Easter egg has got to be down here somewhere.” At press time, Pope Francis was reportedly filled with disgust after rolling up the sleeves of his cassock, reaching into Leo X’s coffin, and touching the putrefied remains of an egg from 2016.
Report: Store Out Of Good Kind #~# UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind. “Aw man, they don’t have any,” said Rambart, adding that they had a bunch of the other ones, but those aren’t as good as the kind he always gets, which are much better. “I guess a lot of people also like the kind I like. Maybe if I go to another place, they’ll have them.” At press time, Rambart was even more disappointed upon learning that not only didn’t the other store have the good kind but the manufacturer had stopped making the good kind altogether.
New Report Finds U.S. Employees Most Engaged At Workplace While Working As Frontman Of Styx #~# CHICAGO—Saying it was by far the strongest predictor of high workplace morale, a new report released Thursday by researchers at the University of Chicago found that employees in the United States are most engaged at their jobs while working as the frontman of rock band Styx. “Whether they’re belting out power ballads like ‘Come Sail Away’ or straight-ahead guitar-driven hits like ‘Renegade,’ our findings consistently show that being the frontman of Styx is the most important factor in determining whether employees are fully invested in their jobs,” said lead author Ryan Sexton, whose research found that, across all demographic categories, workers were much more likely to put in extra hours and come in on weekends when they were traveling on a 26-stop cross-country United We Rock tour with REO Speedwagon. “Our data clearly indicates that employees are never more motivated than when donning a robot mask and performing ‘Mr. Roboto’ for a stadium of screaming fans as part of the Kilroy Was Here rock opera. They were also much more likely to take on additional synthesizer responsibilities of their own initiative.” Despite their robust levels of engagement, the report also found that workers employed as the frontman of Styx did not remain with the band throughout their career and were in fact laid off and replaced after a little more than a decade.
Kevin Spacey To Host Tony Awards #~# Actor Kevin Spacey, who won one of the prestigious theater awards in 1991 for his role in “Lost In Yonkers,” will host the 71st annual Tony Awards this June. What do you think?
Oklahoma State Penitentiary Unveils New In-Chamber Entertainment System To Keep Inmates Occupied During Lethal Injections #~# MCALESTER, OK—Touting the extensive library of programming available to be streamed while waiting for an untested cocktail of chemicals to induce cardiac arrest, officials from Oklahoma State Penitentiary unveiled a new in-chamber entertainment system Thursday aimed at keeping inmates occupied throughout their lethal injections. “As soon as they’re strapped onto the table and medical personnel begin an extended search for a usable vein, our death row inmates will be able to use the system control pad to navigate a wide menu of television programs and feature films available for immediate viewing,” said penitentiary spokesman John Clark, explaining that the new system is fully equipped with a 42-inch 4K screen, Dolby surround sound speakers, and access to streaming services such as Netflix and HBO Go to provide those awaiting their deaths with the ability to queue up as many movies, shows, documentaries, comedy specials, and concerts as they want while experimental volumes of various unproven compounds circulate through their bodies. “Now prisoners can catch up on the latest episodes of Girls or binge a whole season of Narcos while their execution proceeds. With our exciting new entertainment offerings, the time between when the drugs are administered and when the on-site physician confirms that a heartbeat has finally ceased completely will fly right by.” Clark added that the advanced entertainment system would also make individualized TV and movie recommendations based on users’ viewing histories in the likely event they finish watching the selections in their queue before the execution is complete.
Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name #~# WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name. “All right, let’s go, bird guys,” said Howard, who reportedly glanced furtively toward his teammates to gauge their reaction to one of his many wild guesses. “Come on, Red Beaks! Nobody messes with the, you know, Crimson Crows.” At press time, Howard was reportedly imploring his teammates to dig deep and think about all their fans watching back in Georgia City.
Starbucks Debuts ‘Unicorn Frappuccino’ #~# Capitalizing on the internet trend of brightly colored “unicorn food” amidst lagging sales, Starbucks has debuted a “Unicorn Frappuccino” with colorful layers and whipped cream with a dusting of sparkly sugars. What do you think?
Melania Idly Wonders If She Would Get Heads-Up About Nuclear Missile Headed Toward New York #~# NEW YORK—Saying she liked to believe she’d be given some kind of warning, Melania Trump idly wondered Wednesday whether she would get a heads-up if a nuclear missile were headed toward New York. “You’d think I’d receive a phone call with some sort of instructions if they knew a nuclear warhead was on its way,” said the first lady, despite being unable to recall her husband or any officials ever mentioning the existence of an alert system or notification protocol. “Maybe they have a secret shelter somewhere, and they’ll just show up suddenly to evacuate me and Barron. If they knew I was in the direct path of a nuclear weapon, surely they’d at least contact me so I could emotionally prepare, right? If absolutely nothing else, Donald would call to say goodbye and tell me he loved me, wouldn’t he? I mean, wouldn’t he?” After pondering the scenarios for a few minutes, Melania decided that, on second thought, it was probably better if she didn’t know.
FEMA Recommends Americans Always Have Go-Bag Packed In Case Past Finally Catches Up With Them #~# WASHINGTON—Warning citizens that they should be prepared to evacuate at a moment’s notice, officials from the Federal Emergency Management Agency recommended on Wednesday that Americans always keep a go-bag packed in case their past finally catches up with them. “You never know when you’ll receive a knock at your door from someone you hoped you’d never see again, so it’s vital to have a bag ready that contains $5,000 cash, a loaded revolver, at least three passports with separate identities, and changes of clothes for a variety of different climates,” said acting FEMA director Robert J. Fenton, adding that residents should designate an alternate exit from their home in case the front door is obstructed by the person who calls out to them by their former name and says, “What, you think I just forgot?” “And since you might have just minutes or even seconds to safely vacate your property, have a pre-written note on hand that you can quickly drop on the kitchen table, telling your family that you have to leave but that you love them very much. The faster you can leave your home, the more likely you are to survive, even if you now realize that your days of running will never truly be behind you.” Fenton went on to say that every American should also have a first aid kit in their go-bag in case a bullet catches them just as they turn the corner.
Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo #~# WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
Vegetarian Begins Sad, Private Routine Of Scanning Menu For Little Green V’s #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Even as her dining companions at Tanner’s Grill remarked on how tasty everything looked, sources said Wednesday that vegetarian Eve McCormick once more began her sad, private routine of scanning the menu for the little green V’s indicating dishes she could eat. “Here we go again,” McCormick said, commencing the depressing ritual in which she skims the columns of appetizers and entrées for the letter signifying that a food item was ethically permissible for her to order. “Nope, no green V’s yet, not even for the vegetable soup, which I’m sure uses a beef broth. Now I’ll flip the menu over in search of a separate vegetarian section—there isn’t one, of course, so I’ll just return to the front and see if I missed some fine print that tells me meat-based dishes may be made vegetarian upon request.” At press time, McCormick’s side order of steamed broccoli and a baked potato had just arrived.
Uber Pressured To Allow Tipping #~# New York City’s Independent Drivers Guild might soon require Uber to include a tipping option, as it could amount to $300 million in added earnings for drivers each year. What do you think? 
Dad Emotional After Son Beats Him For First Time In Game Of ‘NBA 2K17’ #~# FINDLAY, OH—Gently setting down his PlayStation 3 controller and offering a congratulatory handshake, local father Gary Bullock reportedly became visibly emotional Wednesday after his 14-year-old son, Alex, beat him for the first time in a game of NBA 2K17. “I knew the day would eventually come when Alex would be able to throw down an alley-oop to himself using LeBron James in a blowout against me, but I was not prepared for how bittersweet it would be,” said Bullock, who fought back tears while fondly recalling all the long summer evenings he spent in the family’s living room teaching his son how to execute a flash pass and where to hold the right joystick to pull off the perfect reverse layup. “Occasionally I would take it easy on him to help build his confidence, and over the years he’s given me some pretty close games, but today we played a classic team match between the ’71 Knicks and the ’89 Pistons, and I realized I could not keep up. I bet pretty soon I won’t even be able to beat him playing with Jordan’s ’96 Bulls. He’s a man now.” Bullock wistfully added that watching his son beat him brought back memories of the first time he ever beat his own father in a game of Jordan Vs. Bird: One On One.
U.K. Seeks Early Election Before Brexit #~# Less than halfway through the government’s current term, British Prime Minister Theresa May has called for an early election to gain strength in upcoming Brexit talks, explaining that “The country is coming together, but Westminster is not.” What do you think?
Cackling Trump Reveals To Dinner Guests They’ve All Just Eaten Single Piece Of His Tax Returns #~# WASHINGTON—A satisfied smirk spreading across his face as he watched them finish their meals, a cackling Donald Trump reportedly revealed to dinner guests Tuesday that each and every one of them had just eaten a single piece of his tax returns. “Now that you’re done dining, let me ask: Did you notice anything, shall we say, interesting about your entrées?” said the president, who caused those seated in the State Dining Room to look down at their now empty plates in revulsion as he gleefully revealed that he had diced up over 20 years of pages from his federal and New York State tax filings and sprinkled them into each of the meal’s seven lavish courses. “Dr. Bornstein, you seemed to enjoy your duck roulades. And my good professor, that crab risotto certainly agreed with you. Well, would it surprise you to learn that the dishes you’ve all just partaken of contain morsels of my 1099-Bs from 1995 to 2015? Quite delicious, weren’t they? Please, please don’t be shy about asking for seconds.” At press time, as the disgusted guests stood up from the table and hastily exited, a giddy Trump called out to remind them that they hadn’t even had dessert yet.
Pastor Talking To Non-Christian Who Just Lost Wife Can Smell Blood #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Casually striking up a conversation with a fellow passenger on a crosstown bus, local Presbyterian Pastor James Miller could suddenly smell blood in the water upon learning that the non-Christian man’s wife had just passed away, sources said Tuesday. “Ooh, baby—we got a live one,” Miller thought to himself, his ears perking up and his pupils dilating as the man informed the pastor that his wife of 20 years had recently died from pancreatic cancer and that he has felt lost and alone in the intervening weeks. “He’s like a wounded animal. Okay, James, just nod compassionately and put your hand on his shoulder. Then, right when he says ‘I don’t know what to do’—bam! Move in for the kill.” At press time, a visibly salivating Miller was telling the man about a support group for the bereaved that meets in the basement of his church every Wednesday.
IRS Announces Refunds Will Come In Form Of Forever Stamps This Year #~# WASHINGTON—Stating that the policy change represented the kind of reform taxpayers have long demanded, the IRS announced Tuesday that all refunds for the 2016 fiscal year will be disbursed in the form of Forever stamps. “Persons anticipating a refund will receive a ream of Forever stamps equal to the expected amount within six to eight weeks of filing their taxes,” said IRS commissioner John Koskinen, explaining that someone with a $500 tax refund, for example, will receive an envelope containing 1,020 stamps, or roughly 51 booklets of the 49-cent postage. “We’re very excited about this change, and we think the public will be equally enthusiastic about getting a refund they can use immediately to mail a variety of items without having to bother with the extra step of purchasing stamps with cash.” Koskinen added that while a refund denominated in Forever stamps was not optional, taxpayers were free to choose among American flag, classic car, and Woodstock themes. 
NASA Designs Suit Capable Of Protecting Humans Hoping To One Day Live On Earth #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the groundbreaking new technology could allow humans to withstand the harsh conditions they will experience on the planet’s surface, NASA confirmed Tuesday that it has created a climate-controlled suit capable of protecting people who hope to one day live on Earth.
Giraffe Gives Birth Before Live Audience #~# Adventure Park in New York has confirmed that April, the giraffe whose pregnancy has captivated the online community via live webcam since February, has given birth to a healthy male, an event seen by 1.2 million people live online. What do you think?
Trump Administration Refusing To Disclose Names Of White House Diamond Elite Members #~# WASHINGTON—Rejecting calls for increased transparency by government watchdog groups, officials from the Trump administration announced Monday that they would not disclose the names of White House Diamond Elite members. “Due to the potential security risks associated with publicizing the identities of those enrolled in our most premier program, we will continue to keep their names confidential, a policy that will also apply to those at Diamond Plus, Diamond, Gold, and Silver levels,” said White House Communications Director Mike Dubke, reaffirming the administration’s commitment to the privacy concerns of program participants who enjoy a variety of exclusive premium benefits at the White House. “We will also not release the dates or times of their stays nor disclose any of the Elite Select locations they visited, as we are under no legal obligation to do so.” Pressed for further comment, Dubke encouraged journalists to contact a representative to discuss the many rewards of White House membership.
North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist #~# PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist. “It was with great satisfaction this morning that I witnessed the detonation of a 156-pound nuclear scientist,” Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un said in a recorded statement, which appears to corroborate U.S. intelligence reports that a 0.7-magnitude tremor and large explosion had been detected at a bunker outside the city of Kusong at 9:42 a.m. local time, marking the nation’s first detonation of a major scientist since the days following a catastrophic rocket malfunction in 2012. “With this glorious achievement, our laboratories have begun to move much faster toward completing our goal of building an indomitable nuclear arsenal capable of annihilating all cowardly Western aggressors. We are prepared to detonate multiple scientists every month as a demonstration of our might and determination.” Intelligence analysts have reportedly warned top American officials to take Kim at his word, noting that the North Korean regime has already built up a stockpile of nuclear scientists’ family members it is prepared to detonate at a moment’s notice.
Report: Nothing Wrong With A Good Old-Fashioned Ham And Cheese Sandwich #~# NEW YORK—Saying the reliable standby would never let you down, a new report released Monday concluded that there’s nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned ham and cheese sandwich. “You could do a lot worse than a nice, dependable classic like this one,” read the report in part, adding that while a ham and cheese sandwich was nothing fancy, it was a simple and satisfying lunch you could trust and even have for dinner if you wanted. “Two slices of bread. Some ham. Some cheese. No problems here.” The reported concluded that whether you add a little mayo or some mustard, you really can’t lose either way.
Immigrant Arrests Increase Under Trump #~# The Washington Post reports that immigrant arrests have climbed 32.6 percent under the Trump administration, and arrests of undocumented immigrants with no criminal record have more than doubled. What do you think?
CERN Researchers Apologize For Destruction Of 5 Parallel Universes In Recent Experiment #~# GENEVA—Expressing deep regret over the catastrophic incident that occurred within the Large Hadron Collider, officials from the European Organization for Nuclear Research, also known as CERN, held a press conference Monday to apologize for the destruction of five parallel universes in a recent experiment. “We are sorry to report that in conducting research involving high-powered proton-proton collisions, we inadvertently caused the implosion of five universes nearly identical to our own,” said CERN Director-General Fabiola Gianotti, adding that billions of people worldwide might have experienced momentary vertigo around 9:45 a.m. as a result of several of their alternate identities being wiped from existence. “I’d like to emphasize that there is no need to worry, as we were able to contain the damage before our own time stream disintegrated into oblivion like the others. Furthermore, in order to perform an investigation, the LHC will be shut down for the remainder of the afternoon.” At press time, a team of CERN researchers in a parallel universe was preparing to perform the exact same experiment.
Friends, Family Waiting For Current Bout Of Man’s Depression To Subside Before Really Laying Into Him #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—Fearing that in his current state he was too fragile to withstand the harsh criticism they wished to level at him, friends and family of area man Todd Freely told reporters Monday that they were waiting for Freely’s most recent bout of depression to subside before they really laid into him. “He’s way too low to hear this now, but once he’s feeling better, I’m really gonna put the screws to him about getting some regular exercise and making an effort to socialize more,” Freely’s best friend Richard Felton said, adding that he planned on “reading him the fucking riot act” about looking for work the minute Freely’s depressive state began to improve. “The moment his symptoms ease up, I’m hitting him with both barrels about getting his debt under control and a whole bunch of other shit.” Others close to Freely, however, told reporters that they couldn’t wait one more minute to let him have it over his personal hygiene.
New Device Turns Air Into Water #~# Scientists have developed a new solar-powered device capable of drawing drinkable water out of low-humidity atmospheres, even dry desert air. What do you think?
Pope Francis Rides Into St. Peter’s Square On Giant Glowing Lamb For Easter Mass #~# VATICAN CITY—Emphatically asking the crowd if they were “ready to embrace the redemption offered in the blood of Christ” as pipe organ hymns blasted from the speaker system and multicolored, laser-projected doves fluttered across the buildings’ stone facades, Pope Francis reportedly rode into St. Peter’s Square Sunday atop a giant gleaming lamb to deliver Easter Mass. “Let’s get this Mass of Our Lord’s Resurrection started up with some rite of blessing!” said the pontiff through his wireless headset microphone as he stepped down from the colorful 10-foot-tall symbol of purity and sacrifice, before leading a crucifix formation of cardinals wearing sequined vestments up the basilica steps while they chanted an antiphon in harmony and performed a synchronized, double-time sprinkling of water. “Now let me hear the faithful in here say, ‘Peace be with you!’ Yeah, I want to slow it down with this next reading from the First Epistle of Peter, so raise those candles in the air!” After pyrotechnics in liturgical colors exploded from the tops of the colonnades encircling the plaza, the lights in the square reportedly cut out, leaving only a single spotlight on Pope Francis as a glowing LED crown of thorns appeared on his head and, using a concealed rigging system, he ascended to the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica to deliver a homily on humility.
Study: Touchscreens Cause Babies To Lose Sleep #~# A new study has found that infants and toddlers lose 16 minutes of sleep at night for every hour they spend using touchscreens during the day, possibly due to overstimulation. What do you think?
E.P.T. Clarifies Pregnancy Tests Intended For Entertainment Purposes Only #~# TARRYTOWN, NY—In an effort to limit the company’s exposure to unwanted claims or potential liability, e.p.t. issued a statement Friday clarifying that their pregnancy tests are intended for entertainment purposes only. “We would like to make it perfectly clear to our customers that e.p.t. home pregnancy tests are just something fun to pass around at a party with friends, and the results should not be taken seriously,” read the statement from Prestige Brands, which went on to say that the pregnancy tests are purely novelty items designed to amuse and serve no practical purpose. “We encourage users to simply share some laughs while gathered around the test stick, which we want to reiterate should not be construed as a medical opinion of any sort, nor serve as a substitute for a visit to a licensed professional. Please refrain from making any decisions based off the use of our product, as we do not make any guarantees about the test’s accuracy.” According to sources, the press release came in the wake of similar statements from manufacturers of home STD and paternity tests.
Most Commonly Banned Books #~# Whether they are deemed to contain problematic themes or even incite violence with their content, many iconic books have been historically banned around the world. The Onion highlights some of the most commonly restricted titles: 
Ulta Releases Line Of Shitty Hair Ties To Give Cheap-Ass Friend Who’s Always Borrowing Them #~# BOLINGBROOK, IL—Touting them as essentials that women should have handy at all times, Ulta Beauty released a new line of shitty hair ties Friday designed specifically to be given to cheap-ass friends who always ask to borrow them. “Our new Freeloader Elastics line allows women to give the moochers in their life the bargain-basement accessory they deserve,” said Ulta Beauty CEO Mary Dillon, adding that each package contains 25 stringy, overstretched hair ties in a variety of revolting colors that are perfectly acceptable to hand out to people who have no intention of returning them. “These are must-haves for the woman who doesn’t want to give her good elastics to her friend who, yet again, forgot to bring a hair tie of her own to the gym. Next time your friend asks to borrow an elastic that you know you’ll never see again, give them something only slightly better than the twist tie you use for garbage bags.” Dillon went on to say that most of the new elastics can’t be returned to their rightful owner anyway, as most will either snap or get irrevocably tangled with the borrower’s hair.
Report: Tiger That Mauled Roy Horn Still Struggling To Find Work #~# LAS VEGAS—Fearing the regrettable incident from his past would continue to follow him for the rest of his life, white Bengal tiger Montecore confirmed Friday he was still struggling to find work after mauling magician Roy Horn during a show at the Mirage casino in 2003. “Whenever I go out looking for a job, it seems like the first thing people focus on is the time I attacked Roy in the middle of a performance, and that usually ends my chances of landing anything right then and there,” said the chronically unemployed tiger, who explained that show directors’ discomfort with his work history had forced him to cobble together a variety of “small-time gigs” at low-end circuses and, at certain points, even busk on street corners by jumping between milk crates to make ends meet. “I’m motivated, I’m highly trained, I’ve got visually stunning pigmentation—I should be getting offers left and right. But you have one bad night and, poof, it’s all gone. Was it a mistake to bite my trainer in the neck and drag his body offstage as he screamed for his life? Of course. But does that mean I shouldn’t get another chance to dazzle audiences with my grace and litheness? I don’t think so.” At press time, Montecore was waiting in line for his unemployment check and contemplating selling his anal gland secretions for extra cash.
Woman Happy To Have Such Good Takeout Places She Can Call When Feeling Low #~# CHICAGO—Expressing gratitude for the many sources of emotional comfort and support, local woman Shawna Padden told reporters Friday that she is happy to have such good takeout places she can call when feeling low. “It means so much knowing that I have all these great restaurants that I can turn to for solace when I’m down in the dumps,” said 30-year-old Padden, adding that without fail she can count on Texica Tacos or Phil’s Grill to make her feel better after a rough day, even drop by her apartment. “It’s such a relief that I can just pick up the phone and Gino’s Pizza will be there for me, 24/7, no matter how busy they are.” At press time, Padden confirmed that she was no longer going to call India Palace because despite its good intentions, it somehow always ended up making her feel a hundred times worse.
Whale Won’t Shut Up About Time It Was Beached #~# ATLANTIC OCEAN—Noting that the marine mammal looks for any excuse to bring up the incident, sources confirmed Friday that a local humpback whale still won’t shut up about the one time he was beached. “Christ, whenever someone even mentions the shore, the coast, sand, anything, he immediately chimes in with the same goddamn story about the time he got stranded out of the water for ‘a whole day,’” said a member of the whale’s pod, adding that the overdramatic cetacean constantly exaggerates how far up on the beach he was and “acts like he got stuck on the fucking boardwalk.” “We’ve all heard a million times that the only thing he could do was flap his tail and how it took 30 rescue workers to get him back into the ocean. Just give it a rest—anyone can be beached, okay? Big deal. Does he even realize that it’s actually way more impressive to, you know, stay in the water?” At press time, sources close to the whale conceded that his story about being entangled in fishing nets was actually pretty cool, though they’d never give that annoying asshole any satisfaction by telling him.
Trans Fat Ban Saving Lives #~# Three years after a ban on trans fats was enacted throughout New York, data shows that heart attacks and strokes have lowered by six percent, saving many lives. What do you think?
Bianchi Introduces New Bike For Blocking Commuters On Subway During Rush Hour #~# TREVIGLIO, ITALY—High-end bicycle manufacturer Bianchi unveiled its new ultrawide “Disagio” model on Friday, a touring bike specially designed to block, box in, and jostle subway commuters at the height of rush hour. “At 7 feet long with a 52-inch handlebar span, the Disagio makes it easy to obstruct doors and snag people’s coats and bags as they awkwardly contort themselves around its massive frame,” said product manager Pietro Galloni, highlighting the bike’s slip-prone kickstand and sharpened titanium pedals that jut into the aisles an extra 4 inches on each side. “Plus, we’ve stiffened the bike’s front fork to extend its turning radius, so anytime commuters are pushing to get in or out of a jam-packed subway car, it’s nearly impossible to move out of the way. We’re proud to say that the Disagio is the only bicycle that offers Bianchi craftsmanship in tandem with the ability to effectively imprison dozens of passengers.” Galloni added that the Disagio comes standard with misaligned tires that make it take twice as long to mount to the front of a bus.
Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters #~# TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds. “I’m going to miss my transfer to the Green Portal—I was supposed to be in Osaka 2.2 seconds ago!” IT contractor Takashi Ikeda said, echoing other commuters who complained that the current portal system was over 30 years old and had become increasingly unreliable, at times incorrectly recombining two or more passengers. “It’s bad enough when the quantum matter compression runs 50 nanoseconds behind schedule, but this is totally unacceptable.” Although commuters were able to attempt alternate routes by taking wormholes back to before they had been delayed, many travelers told reporters that the inconvenience of having to kill and dispose of their past selves made the work-around unsustainable.
‘Charging Bull’ Artist Objects To Placement Of ‘Fearless Girl’ #~# The sculptor of the famous Wall Street “Charging Bull” statue has taken issue with the new “Fearless Girl” statue placed directly across from it, deeming it copyright infringement that distorts the message of his work. What do you think?
Judi Dench, Jack Nicholson, Jeremy Irons, Meryl Streep Fondly Recall Getting Start As Part Of 1993 Mouseketeer Class #~# LOS ANGELES—Remembering the many great friendships and opportunities it brought into their lives, a group of Hollywood stars including Judi Dench, Jack Nicholson, Jeremy Irons, and Meryl Streep recalled Thursday getting their start on The All New Mickey Mouse Club in 1993.
‘There Are No Good Options In Syria,’ Sighs Man Who Has Devoted 12 Minutes Of Research To Topic #~# SAGINAW, MI—Shaking his head at the tragic futility of it all, local man Daniel Roth sighed “there are no good options in Syria” Thursday after devoting 12 minutes of casual research to the topic. “It’s just so heartbreaking, but what’s worse is that there doesn’t seem to be any real solution,” said Roth, who skimmed seven paragraphs of a Washington Post editorial on the subject and watched a short Vox explainer video on the various participants in the conflict before clicking over to the teaser trailer for Thor: Ragnarok. “There’s certainly no silver bullet, and there might not even be a workable way out at all. With so many confounding variables at play, I can’t even imagine a decent path forward unless something completely unexpected happens.” Roth admitted, however, that he was not an expert on Syria and hoped his friend who recently read a 6,000-word essay in Harper’s might have some more encouraging insight.
Study Finds Chimpanzees Only Other Animal Capable Of Keeping Lid On Friend’s Affair #~# TEMPE, AZ—Saying the apes demonstrate an almost unique capacity for minding their own business, a new study released Thursday by primatologists at Arizona State University found that chimpanzees are the only animal besides humans capable of keeping the lid on a friend’s affair. “After observing a range of different species, we found that chimpanzees were the only ones who, upon discovering that their friend had a mistress or just a little action on the side, understood that they should keep their mouth shut and look the other way,” said head researcher Martha Yue, adding that while other animals almost universally blabbed to their friend’s mate as fast as they possibly could, chimpanzees instinctively knew not to run their mouths to anyone in their troop. “MRI scans revealed that chimps’ brain plasticity has developed in such a way that they can act as if they saw absolutely nothing after discovering the illicit couple picking fleas off each other’s shoulders. These same tests revealed that the regions of the chimp brain governing emotion, while not as sophisticated as our own, were nevertheless more than capable of stifling nagging feelings of guilt or complicity for decades, even under direct, anguished interrogation from the victim of the infidelity.” The researchers also speculated, however, that chimpanzees were physiologically similar enough to humans that many would completely let the cat out of the bag after a couple glasses of wine.
Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life #~# TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life. “Fuck yeah, this is awesome!” said Caramanica, who had spent nine years sober but now joyfully drank directly from two bottles of wine in what was easily the pinnacle of his 34-year existence. “Now that’s what I’m talking about! I can’t believe I waited this long to fall off the fucking wagon!” Although Caramanica was at press time trapped beneath his upside-down car, he reportedly had zero regrets about the amazing time he had this past week.
Brain Scan Could Reveal Content Of Dreams #~# A recent study found that a certain “hot zone” in the brain indicates not only when a person is dreaming, but even the basic content of that dream. What do you think?
Malala Named Youngest UN Messenger Of Peace #~# Already a recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2014, 19-year-old Pakistani activist Malala Yousafzai has been named the youngest ever UN Messenger of Peace. What do you think? 
New Study Finds Staring Out From Balcony With Best Friends Strongest Indicator That This Your City, Your Time #~# NEW YORK—According to a study published Tuesday by Columbia Business School, the act of gazing out at the skyline from the balcony of an upper-floor apartment alongside your best friends is the strongest indicator that this is your city, your time. “The data shows that letting your eyes drift over the glittering lights as the magnitude of it all sinks in is the clearest sign that this—this moment right now—is yours to make it happen,” said lead researcher Mark Khalid, noting that leaning slightly over a railing while silently patting one of your buddies on the back strongly correlates with the fact that the city isn’t gonna know what hit it. “In addition, some of the most compelling evidence that the world had better brace itself, because here you fucking come, was an incredible view of all those faraway skyscrapers on a perfect spring night with plenty of beer to go around.” Khalid added that glancing up at the full moon while a jumbo jet banks gracefully over the river is, however, by far the most accurate predictor that nothing is going to stop you, nothing.
Sean Spicer Given Own Press Secretary To Answer Media’s Questions About His Controversial Statements #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure their messaging is being communicated to the public in a clear and transparent manner, the White House Press Office announced Wednesday that Sean Spicer has been given his own press secretary to answer the media’s questions about his controversial statements. “The remarks from the press secretary are being taken out of context, which is unfortunate, given the fact that he is in actuality trying to make very much the opposite point,” said Press Secretary to the White House Press Secretary Kevin Harrigan in his first briefing following his appointment to the role, whose primary duties include conducting supplementary press conferences after Spicer’s daily briefings in order to clarify and explain his comments. “If you actually look at the evidence from all sides—the substance, if not the entire whole, is solid, which is what he was trying to articulate all along. And that remains true even if the media is trying to nitpick his words and promote their own message. I understand the point, but it’s clear what he was trying to say with the aforementioned statements—even the parts he was referring to—and, um, I’m sorry, you can’t just pretend otherwise.” At press time, a contrite Harrigan was appearing on multiple morning talk shows to apologize for suggesting that if Syrian president Bashar al-Assad had a nuclear weapon, he might be the first to ever use one.
Man Knows He Must Ride Unexpected Urge To Clean As Far As It Will Take Him #~# GRAND ISLE, LA—Unsure when he would feel such a compulsion again, local man Robert Malbrook told reporters Wednesday that he had no choice but to ride an unexpected urge to clean as far as it will take him. “I could be doing other things, but I have to take advantage of this while I still can,” said Malbrook, wiping down the counters of his kitchen and sweeping up the crumbs around the trash can in an impulsive flurry of activity that he was well aware could vanish as quickly as it came. “I want to mop the floors, scrub the stove top, even clean out the refrigerator. I simply can’t let this feeling pass. I don’t know how far this wave is going to take me, but I’m on board all the way to the very end.” At press time, Malbrook had stopped abruptly while washing his bathtub and moments later was watching TV.
Documentary About Plymouth Rock Throws In Some World War II To Keep People Interested #~# NEW YORK—Saying the footage was bound to keep viewers in their seats, filmmakers behind 1620, a new documentary about the early Pilgrims at Plymouth Rock, admitted to reporters Thursday that they threw in a few clips from World War II just to ensure people stay interested. “While we primarily focus on William Bradford’s followers after their arrival in New England aboard the Mayflower, we thought we’d make sure people stay hooked with a couple shots of kamikaze pilots in the Pacific and some of FDR’s Infamy speech—that stuff always plays well with documentary audiences,” said executive producer Dana Keough, adding that the production team’s decision to cut from a summary of the religious Separatists movement to several aerial scenes of B-52s dropping large payloads of bombs over Germany had yielded a positive response from viewers in test screenings. “Throughout this project, we aimed to paint a complete and engaging picture of settlers’ life in Plymouth Colony, using a combination of primary source documents, expert analysis, and archival footage of Allied troops storming the beaches at Normandy. The U-boat scene we show during our explanation of the Pilgrims’ first winter in the New World has proven to be particularly popular.” Keough further confirmed that the film’s ending credits would just be eight straight minutes of footage of Hitler’s bunker.
Biological Life Regrets Waiting 2.3 Billion Years To Try Sex #~# EARTH—Saying it couldn’t believe it took so long to explore one of the processes it now enjoys most, the entirety of biological life on Earth told reporters Wednesday that it deeply regretted waiting 2.3 billion years to try sex. “Today I love it so much that it’s hard to even imagine a time when I wasn’t having sex—why the hell didn’t I start sooner?” said the sum total of the planet’s organisms in disbelief, lamenting the many “wasted eons” spent blandly self-replicating DNA. “Maybe it was a fear of putting myself out there or not being quite sure how to do it, but all of that feels silly when I think about all the missed opportunities I had during those years.” Biological life went on to say that while it wishes it tried sex earlier than it did, it was also glad it didn’t start when it was just 500,000 years old and far too immature.
YouTuber Wastes 2 Whole Minutes Explaining How To Prep A Deck For Sealant As If Viewer Total Moron #~# MIDLOTHIAN, VA—According to sources who weren’t born yesterday, home-improvement YouTuber Dale Hiseman reportedly wasted two whole minutes Wednesday explaining how to prep a deck for sealant as if viewer Anthony Cametti were a total moron. “Jeez, I’m not some goob who’s never weather-proofed a patio before—of course I know you gotta flush up any nails sitting proud of the surface before using an oxygenated deck wash,” said Cametti, who regretted watching Hiseman detail the “painfully obvious” causes of decay in untreated two-by-fours instead of skipping ahead to the two-minute mark. “Yeah, yeah, we get it. A light brushing helps loosen the dirt and reveals the grain underneath, which is how you know it’s time to crank up the power washer to 3,000 psi. For the love of Christ, stop dicking around and get to the stuff we all weren’t born knowing!” Cametti added that any idiot who couldn’t apply a pre-sealant brightener was probably too dumb to know how to play the video in the first place.
Gorsuch Sworn In As Supreme Court Justice #~# Trump nominee Neil M. Gorsuch has been confirmed by 54-45 vote and sworn in as the 113th Supreme Court justice. What do you think?
United Drags Doctor Off Flight #~# After no passengers volunteered to deplane an overbooked United flight, a doctor was forcibly dragged from his seat by security, bloodied by resultant injuries. What do you think?
Rookie Justice Gorsuch Assigned To Supreme Court Overnight Shift #~# WASHINGTON—Presiding over the dimly lit chamber during the small hours of the morning, newly sworn-in justice Neil Gorsuch was reportedly forced Tuesday to work the Supreme Court overnight shift. “It’s pretty boring, and it sucks that it’s so late, but [Justice] Anthony [Kennedy] told me that doing the graveyard shift is just a rite of passage rookies like me have gone through since pretty much the beginning of the judicial branch,” said Gorsuch, adding that so far things had been fairly uneventful except for a few “kind of weird” interstate commerce cases. “There’s honestly not that much to do besides just keeping an eye on the place and dealing with whoever straggles in at 2 a.m. to file an amicus brief. Luckily, you can pretty much just read a book most of the time, and I’ve got a little portable radio to keep me company when things are really dead. Still, I’m hoping this is just for a few months before they transfer me to a normal shift.” At press time, Gorsuch was reportedly attempting to rouse a heavily intoxicated assistant solicitor general who had passed out in the back of the courtroom.
Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement #~# WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley. “When Darren walked up to the lane holding that little pink ball, we were all thinking, ‘Wait a minute, that ball is meant for children,’ but then we realized what he was doing, and everyone just started cracking up,” said friend Kelly Lingard, adding that, as part of his lighthearted and exceptionally entertaining display, Foerstner demonstrated that his thumb and fingers were unable to fit into the smaller holes of the pink ball, forcing him to palm it with his entire hand. “He told us he borrowed the ball from a 5-year-old girl, which was hilarious in and of itself, but then when he actually bowled with it, he wound up accidentally throwing it a few feet into the air, so it crashed really hard onto the lane before bouncing a few times and rolling into the gutter. It was very, very funny.” The spectacle reportedly then reached a hysterical climax after Foerstner attempted to throw the pink ball through his legs and inadvertently tossed it onto the wrong lane, prompting fits of joyous laughter from everyone present as he quickly apologized to the adjacent group of bowlers.
I Wouldn’t Have Invented The Piano If I Knew That Guy In ‘The Godfather’ Was Going To Get Strangled With Piano Wire #~# Inventing the piano was the culmination of my life’s work. A keyboard instrument unmatched in dynamic range and nuance of expression, it forever changed the way music was composed, performed, and enjoyed. It filled concert halls with a revolutionary new sound that has enchanted listeners for more than three centuries. And yet, I only feel bitter regret, knowing that my cherished invention led to that guy from The Godfather getting strangled with piano wire.
Tips For Writing A Screenplay #~# Every great writer must start somewhere. Begin by pouring $156,000 into an undergraduate degree.
New Office Manager Provides Terrifying Glimpse Into Plans For Regime By Placing New Collection Of Teas In Drawer #~# AUGUSTA, ME—In a dark harbinger of troubled times to come, recently hired office manager Mel Pritchard reportedly placed a new assortment of tea bags in Greydon Media’s kitchen drawer Friday, the first terrifying signal of what to expect from her regime. “I guess now that Mel’s seized the reins of power, we have to somehow get by on nothing but chamomile, chai, and Earl Grey,” said marketing assistant Tara Ganelli, thankful that she’d had the foresight to stash two bags of Lemon Zinger before the newly installed sovereign of the break room had imposed her unshakable rule upon the company’s hot beverage selection. “Fortunately, I still know where the plastic silverware is kept, but then again we’re only three days into the new era—who knows what tyranny tomorrow will bring?” At press time, employees were hopeful at the sudden appearance of donuts, unaware that they would soon arrive at work to discover that the single-serve honey packets had all been taken away.
Text History With Mom A Succinct Chronology Of Relatives’ Hospital Visits #~# YERINGTON, NV—Saying the communications ranged from minor procedures to urgent trips to the emergency room, local man Hector Garcia told reporters Monday that his text message history with his mother read as a succinct chronology of all his relatives’ hospital visits. “It’s all here—this is when Grandpa fell and had to be rushed to St. John’s, and there’s when Aunt Gloria got her appendectomy,” said Garcia, scrolling through the texts that indicated the date and time of each trip to the hospital, punctuated with only a few reminders for him to call. “My sister breaking her ankle. And, yup, there’s Grandpa again. You’d probably have to go out as far as third cousins for a hospital visit not to be listed here.” Garcia added that the comprehensive text archive in no way prevented his mother from talking about every one of the hospital visits subsequently on the phone.
Study: ‘Hangin’ In There’ Best One Can Now Feel #~# CHAMPAIGN, IL—Confirming that the findings were consistent across all age, gender, racial, and socioeconomic demographics, a study published Monday in The American Journal of Psychology determined that “hangin’ in there” is the best one can ever expect to feel. “After surveying the emotional state of thousands of respondents, we have concluded that the maximum amount of happiness a human being can now experience falls within the range of ‘gettin’ by’ to ‘hangin’ in there,’” read the report in part, which went on to note that “hangin’ in there” was an extremely rare experience for the vast majority of people, and that lower-grade feelings such as “so-so” and “eh” were far more common. “Although a very small subset of subjects reported occasions of having dispositions elevated to the point of ‘can’t complain,’ this was considered to be an anomaly and not statistically significant.” The report pointed out, however, that while “hangin’ in there” represents the highest potential state of contentment one can hope to reach, there is still no known limit to how shitty one can possibly feel.
Payless Files For Bankruptcy #~# Shoe retailer Payless is the latest in a line of major brands to declare Chapter 11 bankruptcy, citing an industry shift toward online shopping. What do you think?
Jealous Paul Ryan Asks Legislator With 37% Approval Rating What His Secret Is #~# WASHINGTON—Finding himself unable to contain his jealousy toward his fellow lawmaker’s latest poll numbers, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly pulled aside Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) Friday to ask him what the secret is behind his 37 percent approval rating. “Hey, Joe, you’ve got to let me in on your secret—how do you manage to pull in such incredible favorability numbers? Seriously, it’s insane,” asked Ryan, cornering his fellow legislator in a Capitol building hallway and offering him increased federal funds for his district in exchange for some insight into the congressman’s enviable popularity among more than a third of voters. “I can’t even imagine what it’s like for you, having nearly two in five people approve of your performance. God, that has to feel incredible. If you could just give me a couple of tips on how to make a positive or neutral impression on that many people, I’m sure I can take it from there. Please, Joe, help me out.” At press time, a dejected Ryan was reportedly calling his closest corporate donors for some positive reinforcement regarding the job he was doing.
Woman Rises Early To Sow Seeds Of Day’s First Gchats #~# MARIETTA, GA—Already awake and in front of the computer while most of her email contacts were still listed as “idle,” area woman Kate Lapointe got up early Monday morning to begin sowing the seeds of the day’s first Gchat conversations, sources confirmed. “Hey hey, what’s up?” Lapointe reportedly typed to three separate friends, sending a cross-section of other acquaintances messages like “hi,” “plans this week?” and “ugh, sooo tired” in the hopes that one or more would bear fruit as the day progressed. “How’s work going?” At press time, reports indicated that Lapointe had rushed back to Gmail from several browser tabs away after a flurry of electronic dings signaled it was time to begin reaping the responses she had sown. 
Trump Assures Nation That Decision For Syrian Airstrikes Came After Carefully Considering All His Passing Whims #~# WASHINGTON—Amid concerns that a U.S. attack on a Syrian government air base would only escalate the ongoing conflict in the region, President Trump assured Americans Friday that his decision to order a missile strike came only after carefully considering every one of his passing whims. “I want to make it perfectly clear that the decision to launch a military intervention in Syria was the result of meticulously reviewing each fleeting impulse that I felt over the last 48 hours,” said Trump, adding that after learning of chemical weapons used by Bashar al-Assad’s forces to kill innocent Syrian civilians, he gathered his top military aides to pore over dozens of his sudden knee-jerk reactions to the situation. “I examined many different options that whirled through my mind in the moment, including authorizing drone strikes, deploying U.S. troops to Syria, sending in SEAL Team Six to take out Assad, getting up and grabbing a snack from the kitchen, doing nothing, and dropping all our nuclear bombs on Damascus at once. Ultimately, I concluded that an airstrike was the best option at that particular second.” Trump went on to say that if the Assad regime’s behavior continues, he will not hesitate to order further military action if he hasn’t already completely forgotten about Syria by then.
Assad Vows Swift Retaliation On Syrian Civilians In Response To U.S. Missile Strike #~# DAMASCUS—Angrily declaring that the attack would not go unpunished, Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad vowed swift retaliation on his nation’s civilians Friday for the U.S. missile strike on the al-Shayrat air base. “In response to the egregious aggression of the United States, I promise to stop at nothing to crush the Syrian people quickly and decisively,” said Assad, announcing a full-scale military assault on noncombatants in residential neighborhoods throughout Syria that would make the U.S. “sorely regret its unprovoked and criminal deeds.” “This act of war on the part of the United States leaves us no choice but to strike Syrian hospitals, schools, and places of worship with even more force and resolve. Mark my words: the streets of Syria will run red with the blood of civilian men, women, and children, and America will know the price to be paid for its belligerence.” At press time, Russian officials had decried the U.S. missile strike and said they had not ruled out supporting their ally in any counterattack against Syrian civilians.
Writers Guild Of America Prepares To Strike #~# After negotiations stalled on a $178 million annual contract, the Writers Guild of America has announced plans to strike if no deal is reached by May 1. What do you think?
Trump Confident U.S. Military Strike On Syria Wiped Out Russian Scandal #~# WASHINGTON—After ordering the first U.S. military attack against the regime of Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad, President Donald Trump held a press conference Friday to express his full confidence that the airstrike had completely wiped out the lingering Russian scandal. “Based on intelligence we have received over the past several hours, the attack on the al-Shayrat air base in Homs has successfully eliminated all discussions and allegations about my administration’s ties to the Russian government,” said Trump, adding that at approximately 4:40 a.m. local time, 59 Tomahawk cruise missiles fired from U.S. naval ships obliterated all traces of the widespread controversy in news outlets across the media. “Ordering this strike was not a decision I took lightly, but given that it was the only way to decisively eradicate any attention being paid to congressional investigations into possible collusion between key members of my staff and high-ranking Kremlin officials, I decided it was a necessary course of action. If we learn that any remnants of this scandal remain after this attack, I will not hesitate to order further strikes.” Trump went on to say that he is leaving the option open for a potential ground invasion of Syria if any troubling evidence emerges that the Russian government manipulated the outcome of the 2016 presidential election.
Child’s Favorite Restaurant Also Dad’s Favorite Bar #~# ALDINE, TX—Raving about the establishment’s French fries and nachos, 7-year-old Joshua Behr told reporters Friday that Gordo’s—his father’s favorite local bar—was his favorite restaurant. “They have the best food in the world, and I always say I want to go there whenever Dad takes us out to eat,” Behr said of the pub his father enjoys for its beer-and-a-shot specials and the multiple large TVs showing several different sporting events at once. “They have pinball too, and you can even get free popcorn from a machine with a scooper. I definitely want to have my birthday there this year.” Behr went on to say that he especially loved being taken to Gordo’s on “Chicken Tender Tuesdays,” unaware it was also the night Heather tends bar.
Couple Puts Handful Of Items On Registry That Loser Family Members Can Afford #~# SALINA, KS—In order to ensure their gift suggestions were sensitive to the economic circumstances of all their guests, local couple Mary Gallagher and Bret Perry put a handful of items on their wedding registry Friday that even their loser family members could afford. “I guess some of the deadbeat cousins can get us a couple of hand towels or placemats,” said Gallagher as she added a garlic press and a soap dispenser to the list while scouring the Bed Bath & Beyond website for other gifts comfortably in the $10 to $20 range. “Dave and Kathy can’t seem to hold on to one job between them, so we should definitely add something like a cooling rack. Or maybe this spice jar? It’s pretty small. I mean, I suppose we could ask for some napkin rings or a little picture frame, but I honestly don’t know how much cheaper we can go without it getting embarrassing.” In an effort to accommodate the very worst fuckups in their families, Gallagher and Perry had at press time added a disclaimer to their wedding website informing guests that gifts were optional and that their attendance alone will be “a present in itself.”
Barry Manilow Comes Out As Gay #~# At age 73, singer-songwriter Barry Manilow has announced publicly for the first time that he is gay. What do you think?
Steve Bannon Removed From Security Council #~# Chief Strategist Steve Bannon has been removed from his permanent seat on the principals committee of the National Security Council, possibly signaling his diminishing role in the administration. What do you think?
Bashar Al-Assad Shares Laugh With Military Leaders Over Time He Once Wanted To Be A Doctor And Help People #~# DAMASCUS—During a meeting to review the body counts from his latest initiatives to retake rebel-held regions of the country, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad shared an extended laugh with his top military leaders on Thursday over the time in his life when he wanted to be a doctor and help people. “Oh man, can you even believe there was a period when I actually wanted to heal people, to help end their suffering?” said Assad, pausing the discussion of chemical weapons deployments to recall his youthful dream of providing lifesaving medical assistance to the sick and injured between gasps of laughter. “And it’s not like it was just a brief phase or something. I spent over a decade training. I even went to London for postgraduate study. God, there was even a point where I seriously considered working to help children. That’s so crazy.” After more than a minute spent clutching his abdomen in boisterous laughter, a beaming Assad reportedly emitted a few final chuckles, wiped away a tear of glee from the corner of his eye, and authorized sarin gas attacks on several villages outside the city of Hama.
Report: Delivering College Recruitment Letters To Five-Star Athletes Comprises 83% Of All Revenue For U.S. Postal Service #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that almost two-thirds of the nation’s postal workers were occupied with sorting and delivering the packages at any given time, an audit released Thursday by the U.S. Postal Service revealed that delivering college recruitment letters to five-star athletes comprises 83 percent of the agency’s annual revenue. “Between high-gloss ‘Wanted’ posters depicting the player’s face, poster-sized mockups of athletes in a college team’s uniform, and handwritten notes from coaches emphasizing that the player is their missing piece to a national championship, correspondence from college athletics departments make up more than four out of every five deliveries from the Postal Service,” the report read in part, adding that the overwhelming majority of the nearly 500 million pieces of mail processed each day are part of universities’ efforts to recruit the nation’s approximately 50 best high school football and basketball players. “Of course, this figure also includes the millions of invitations to official campus visits and letters congratulating players on their recent high school playoff victory. In fact, throughout the month leading up to National Signing day, 97 percent of all overnight mail are letters from colleges to just six or seven still undecided recruits.” A recent analytics report released by Twitter also found that 68 percent of all direct messages are sent from assistant college coaches telling 15-year-old high school quarterbacks they could be the next Peyton Manning.
Man Who Skipped Airport’s Moving Walkway Immediately Realizes What An Arrogant Fool He’s Been #~# LOS ANGELES—The grave implications of his vanity dawning on him, local man Ed Paitz realized what an arrogant fool he’s been after skipping the moving walkway at Los Angeles International Airport, sources said Thursday. “My god, what have I done?” said a despairing Paitz, realizing that, alas, he must live with the sorrowful consequences of his own hubris and proceed down the carpeted corridor on his own two feet, watching in shame as other travelers with the humility to board the conveyor platform flowed past him with ease. “My pride—my accursed pride—has brought me to this! Like Icarus and Arachne before me, let my tale serve as a warning to all those who would surrender to the vile temptations of the ego.” At press time, redemption lay at hand, as the moving walkway was ending with a small gap before the next one began.
Logitech Introduces High-Resistance Keyboard For Fitness-Minded Typists #~# NEWARK, CA—Saying that an intense workout was now as close as their home or office work station, computer accessory manufacturer Logitech unveiled on Thursday a new freestanding resistance keyboard for fitness-minded typists. “With up to 12 pounds of resistance per key, a vigorous exercise experience is literally at your fingertips,” said company spokesperson Caroline Fenster, adding that the variable-weight space bar and 10 preset workout routines allow users to tailor their keystrokes to their individual fitness goals. “The incline of the Logitech PowerBoard can also be adjusted to target different muscle groups in the fingers, hands, and wrists, and to give users complete control over how much they want to exert themselves while typing documents or emails.” Logitech is reportedly hoping that the keyboard will improve the company’s fortunes after last year’s disastrous rollout of its 150-pound strength-training mouse.
New Zealand Post To Deliver KFC #~# To combat the decline in letters being mailed, New Zealand’s postal service will begin delivering Kentucky Fried Chicken to citizens’ homes. What do you think?
NYC Losing Residents #~# U.S. Census records show that since 2010, more than 1 million people, or 4.4 percent of the city’s population, has left New York for other parts of the country. What do you think? 
Mom Locked In Infinite Loop Of Purchasing, Returning Items From Lord & Taylor #~# WHITE PLAINS, NY—Powerless to break free from the department store’s grip, local mom Patricia Schulte, 54, is locked in an infinite loop of purchasing and returning items from Lord & Taylor, sources said Wednesday. “It’s always the same—she goes out and buys a few things, and then, lo and behold, she’s back at the mall a couple of days later to return part, if not all, of the items,” Schulte’s daughter Emily said of the unrelenting cycle, adding that her mother has been known to buy a top or a belt at Lord & Taylor only to bring it back the very next day without even having taken it out of the bag. “There’s no beginning and no end. I don’t know if she has any reasons at all for her behavior or whether it’s just an unconscious reflex. Whatever it is, she’s trapped.” At press time, the elder Schulte had received word of Lord & Taylor’s Spring Clearance Sale, dashing any hope that she would liberate herself anytime soon.
Sweating, Shaking Pharmaceutical CEO Says He Can Stop Profiting Off Opioid Epidemic Anytime He Wants #~# PHILADELPHIA—Visibly trembling as he wiped beads of perspiration from his forehead, Arcelis Pharmaceuticals CEO Paul Corrier told reporters Wednesday that he could stop profiting off the nation’s opioid crisis anytime he wants. “Getting these lethally addictive drugs into the hands of vulnerable communities across the country is just something I do from time to time for a little profit—I can drop it whenever I choose,” said Corrier, clawing at his sweat-drenched shirt as he insisted he could “quit in a heartbeat” if generating billions in revenue by misleading the public about the dangers of opioids ever got out of hand. “Sure, every now and then I’ll launch an aggressive marketing campaign aimed at getting doctors to overprescribe fentanyl sprays, but it’s honestly not a big deal. Seriously, it’s fine. Just because I’ll occasionally partake in making money off the devastation wrought by drugs hundreds of times more potent than morphine doesn’t mean it controls me.” At press time, Corrier had collapsed in a boardroom meeting and was choking on his own tongue after hearing the projected profit margins for a secondary medication used to treat opioid-related insomnia.
Viewing Ads On Website Sole Way In Which Man Contributing To Economy #~# SEATTLE—In no way enhancing the nation’s wealth through any other means, local man Ryan Compton’s sole contribution to the economy is viewing advertisements found on websites, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Occasionally glancing at ads while scrolling through articles is the one and only useful purpose he serves in the American economic system,” said Cornell University economist Mark Rutherford, who tracked Compton’s impact on the economy without finding a single positive effect beyond the revenue he passively generates for a variety of news, social media, video streaming, and ecommerce websites. “The data clearly indicates that all he offers to the nation’s economy comes from the 34 ad impressions he makes on average each day. Even if you factor in the 15 seconds of pre-roll he watches before clicking the ‘skip’ button on online videos, it still amounts to virtually nothing.” Experts noted, however, that Compton’s contribution to the economy could gradually increase as more and more of his personal information is sold to third-party marketers.
Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand #~# SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand. “Jesus, he didn’t even hesitate,” said Barnes, who is in utter shock at the nonchalance the waiter demonstrated in grabbing the napkin that she had only moments ago used to wipe honey mustard off her mouth. “He just went for it even though he must have seen that it was covered in sauce. He could have just scraped it onto a plate with one of the utensils, but now it’s right there touching his skin, contaminating him. God, I feel so ashamed.” At press time, Barnes had resolved to leave her used napkins on the center of her plate from now on so the waiter would never have to touch it, and it would be some dishwasher’s problem.
Judge: Plausible That Trump Incited Riots #~# A judge has agreed that there is “sufficient evidence” in a lawsuit three injured protesters are bringing against President Trump for inciting and encouraging violence against them at a Kentucky rally. What do you think?
NHL Will Forgo 2018 Winter Olympics #~# The NHL will not release players to participate in the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, South Korea, unwilling to halt their regular season without sufficient incentive. What do you think?
Climate Change: Myth Vs. Fact #~# With President Trump set to dismantle much of his predecessor’s climate change legislation, many are wondering what the impacts of climate change will be and which sources to believe. The Onion separates fact from fiction on the issue of global warming: 
Top Benefits Of Therapy #~# Comfort in knowing that someone is at least benefiting financially from your mental anguish
Pope Francis Concerned About Infection From Holy Spirit Bite #~# VATICAN CITY—Roughly 48 hours after being bitten by the Holy Spirit, Pope Francis expressed concern that the wound inflicted by the unveiled Epiphany of God had become infected, Vatican sources reported Tuesday. “The little bastard only nipped me, but now it’s all swollen,” the Pope said, gingerly cradling his tender left arm, which had started to exhibit a pattern of inflamed crucifixes beneath the surface of the skin. “You can’t be too careful around that chippy fucker. I was just trying to feed it, and bam! Took a good chunk out of an archbishop last week, too, and he had to get, like, 30 shots.” The pontiff went on to say he might try dumping the Holy Spirit off at the Eastern Orthodox Church in Constantinople or just leave open the door to St. Peter’s Basilica and hope it runs off. 
Kentucky Temporarily Barred From Closing Only Abortion Clinic #~# A judge has granted Kentucky’s only remaining abortion clinic a temporary 14-day restraining order against Governor Matt Bevin, who is attempting to shutter the facility. What do you think?
Woman Who Drinks 6 Cups Of Coffee Per Day Trying To Cut Down On Blue Light At Bedtime #~# QUINCY, MA—Saying she would stop looking at her phone and tablet at least an hour before going to sleep, local woman Carina Anielski, who drinks six cups of coffee per day, told reporters Tuesday that she was trying to cut down on blue light around bedtime. “I heard that too much blue light can really mess with your circadian rhythm, so I’m going to keep it way down,” said Anielski, who consumes a full 12 ounces of highly caffeinated beverage roughly every two hours between the cup she has upon arriving at work and the cup she consumes after dinner. “I’ve also put a filter on all my devices that blocks out blue light, so I’ve got an added layer of protection. Seriously, one blast of that stuff at the wrong time and I’m wide awake till four in the morning. I have to take some precautions.” At press time, Anielski, who also drinks at least six Diet Cokes every day, was shutting down her laptop promptly at 9 p.m. 
God Struggling To Remember How To Make Geodes #~# THE HEAVENS—Acknowledging He might be a bit rusty after so many eons had passed, the Lord God Almighty told reporters Tuesday that He was having trouble remembering how to make geodes. “I used to make these stupid things all the time, but now I’m just drawing a total blank,” said Our Heavenly Father, adding that He was kicking Himself for never writing down instructions for creating the crystal-filled lumps of rock. “I’m pretty sure I start with a bunch of calcium. Or is that something else? Oh wait, wait, I think I have to insert an air bubble into some volcanic rock and then somehow do the mineral deposit thing inside? Christ, I feel like I’m missing half a dozen crucial steps. Well, maybe I’ll just kind of eyeball it.” At press time, the Creator of the Universe had abandoned His project three quarters of the way through upon realizing He had been making nothing but stalagmites.
Twitter Changes Egg Avatar To Remove Troll Connotations #~# Twitter’s default egg avatar, often associated with abusive and anonymous online trolls, will be changed to the shadowy outline of a person to encourage users to personalize the image. What do you think?
‘Planet Earth II’ Finale Finally Resolves Will-They/Won’t-They Storyline Between Snow Leopard, Golden Eagle #~# LONDON—Bringing closure to millions of fans who had breathlessly waited to see whether the two would ever get together, last weekend’s finale of the BBC nature documentary series Planet Earth II finally resolved the ongoing “will they, won’t they” relationship between a snow leopard and a golden eagle. “Everyone spent the whole season wondering if it was ever going to happen, so it was really satisfying when the two animals at long last ended up with each other,” said Entertainment Weekly writer Benjamin Lynch, describing the moment late in the episode when the mountain-dwelling cat and the bird of prey passionately embraced one another on a windswept stretch of the Tibetan plateau. “The chemistry between them was obvious to everyone watching the show, and it was clear that they had strong feelings for one another, but there were still so many times where it seemed like they’d wind up with other wildlife. They’re opposites in a lot of ways—different biomes, different prey—so seeing that storyline resolve so nicely was truly heartwarming.” Lynch added that the episode made up for the widely panned finale of the original Planet Earth, in which the fan favorite green sea turtle was controversially killed off by a spider crab for reasons that were never fully explained.
New Report Finds Moving To Isolated Seaside Cottage Greatly Increases Productivity #~# NEW YORK—Highlighting the beneficial impacts on focus, creativity, and work output, a new report released Friday by New York University’s Department of Psychology found that moving to an isolated seaside cottage greatly increases productivity. “The data strongly suggests that upending your current life and sequestering yourself in a quaint stone house by the ocean can increase the rate at which you complete tasks by almost 40 percent,” read the report in part, adding that the change of environment was shown to be most effective if the house had a thatched roof or was located on a bluff somewhere in Ireland or Scotland, where work could be done with the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks. “Test subjects accomplished nearly twice as much when they had the salty scent of the ocean in their nostrils as they worked by the light of a single lantern on a warped mahogany desk, far away from any other human. The effect was even greater if the house was furnished with only a horsehair mattress on the floor and a single cast-iron pot for cooking all your meals.” The report ultimately concluded, however, that moving to an isolated seaside cottage boosted productivity only as much as adding an occasional stroll outside to one’s long established routine.
‘It Was Fine,’ Says Man Following Visit With Only People On Earth Who Love Him #~# NEW YORK—Expressing a tepid reaction to the three days in which he had all his favorite foods cooked just for him and all his personal needs attended to, local man Henry Kovacs, who recently returned from a visit with the only people on earth who love him, told reporters Monday that his trip was “fine.” “Yeah, it was all right,” said Kovacs of the long weekend spent with the two human beings on the planet who have dedicated the majority of their lives to ensuring he is happy and successful and who would do absolutely anything in their power to help him, even sacrifice their lives. “The bus ride took four hours, which was a bit annoying, but, you know, it was nice to see them or whatever, especially since I wasn’t there long enough to get bored. Also, it’s good that I went now, because it means I probably don’t have to go back for a few months.” Kovacs later admitted that while seeing the only people who unconditionally love him was “okay,” he was disappointed to have missed the party of a friend who, according to sources, barely registered his absence.
Facebook Launches Fundraising Feature #~# With the success of crowdfunding sites such as GoFundMe, Facebook has announced their own new fundraising feature that extracts a transaction fee from each dollar raised. What do you think?
German Metal Festival Builds Own Beer Pipeline #~# In order to make the Wacken Open Air metal festival in Germany more environmentally friendly, organizers are building a beer pipeline to supply guests. What do you think?
Yellow Cross Receives Record 10,000 Liters Of Urine Donations #~# NEW YORK—Saying they were elated with the number of people who took time out of their day to relieve themselves for a good cause, officials at the Yellow Cross announced Wednesday that the organization received a record 10,000 liters of urine during its annual spring donation drive. “We are beyond thrilled by the generosity of urine donors across the country who helped break the record set last year by an incredible 27 percent,” said Yellow Cross director Ted Finely, adding that it seemed like everywhere he went, he saw donors proudly wearing “I Donated!” stickers featuring the splashy yellow droplet. “But as successful as this urine drive was, there’s always a need for more. Donating urine doesn’t hurt, and best of all, you’ll feel proud that your excretion helped people—and, remember, the next person to need urine from the Yellow Cross could be you.” Finely went on to say that while all types of urine were welcome, pale yellow and amber were always particularly in demand.
The Onion’s Sleepaway Camp Packing List #~# In preparation for summer camp season, The Onion has provided a list of essential items every child needs during their time away from home.
Sesame Street Mourns Death Of Original Letter K #~# NEW YORK—Devastated by the loss of one of the most beloved members of their community, Sesame Street residents were in mourning Wednesday over the death of the original letter K. “We’ve truly lost a legend,” said the letter L, a longtime friend and colleague, explaining that the letter K’s groundbreaking appearances in words such as “kite” and “duck” in the early 1960s not only pioneered the iconic role, but also made it as popular with audiences as A, B, or C. “You can see how all the other Ks since have been influenced by him, but try as they might, no one can even come close to replacing this true giant of the alphabet.” The letter L went on to say that if he’d had his way, they would have retired the letter altogether once the original K departed Sesame Street in 1979.
National Trust For Historic Preservation Raises Millions To Demolish Trump’s Boyhood Home #~# WASHINGTON—Overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from the public, the National Trust for Historic Preservation reported Wednesday that it had raised more than $8 million in just three days to demolish President Trump’s boyhood home in Queens, NY. “Thanks to the generosity of the American people, we are well on our way to bulldozing the president’s first home as part of our mission to uphold America’s cultural heritage and values,” said NTHP president Stephanie K. Meeks, adding that not only had dozens of companies come forward to match their employees’ donations but that dozens of children had made much smaller contributions to the cause by sharing their allowance money. “Still, we never imagined that razing the site where the 45th president spent his early years would be greeted so enthusiastically. Big donors, small donors—it seems that Americans from all walks of life want to chip in to make sure that no trace of this structure exists for future generations.” Meeks went on to say that the ground upon which the historic childhood home once stood would be immediately available for new development.
Report: 87% Of Goldman Sachs Employees Began Job With Plans To Take Down Company From Inside #~# DURHAM, NC—Dispelling the myth of the young Wall Street go-getter, a report released by Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business on Wednesday revealed that 87 percent of Goldman Sachs employees actually began their jobs with plans to take down the multinational financial conglomerate from the inside. “Our data indicate that nearly nine out of 10 entry-level employees at Goldman Sachs started off as idealistic crusaders who only pursued investment banking careers to wage a campaign of internal subversion in order to bring the corrupt capitalist machine to its knees,” read the report in part, adding that most staffers abandon their grand schemes by their second or third year upon receiving a few bonuses or securing their first promotion. “As more time passes, all of these would-be saboteurs who planted themselves within the belly of the beast slowly begin to consider how they’ve adjusted to a certain lifestyle, and the goals of dismantling the company become significantly more difficult when faced with massive salaries, comprehensive health insurance, and generous vacation time.” The report also confirmed that many of these employees eventually go on to champion Goldman Sachs, frequently noting how much the company gives to charity.
Theater Holding Women-Only Screening Of ‘Wonder Woman’ #~# The Alamo Drafthouse in Austin is holding a women-only screening of ‘Wonder Woman,’ provoking both backlash and support online. What do you think?
Dad Hands Phone Off To Mom Immediately After Being Wished Happy Father’s Day #~# WILLOUGHBY, OH—Allowing no window whatsoever for additional conversation to take place, the father of local man Luke Asbury reportedly handed off the phone to Luke’s mother on Sunday immediately after his son wished him a happy Father’s Day. “Wow, he didn’t waste any time—he just said thanks, told me Mom was there if I wanted to speak to her, and then got off the line before I could really answer,” said Asbury, 32, who told reporters that while he in no way expected to chat at length, he did anticipate at least having one or two minutes of small talk about whether his father planned to watch any golf that afternoon. “I don’t think we were even on the line together for 30 seconds before he started wrapping things up. In fact, this might’ve been the earliest he’s ever told me he had to get going. I can’t imagine he’ll be able to top that next year.” At press time, Asbury’s mother put the call on speaker so they could all talk, though his father reportedly remained silent except for what sounded like shuffling out of the room with the newspaper.
‘Washington Post’ Reporter Frustrated Every Space In Parking Garage Taken Up By Anonymous Source #~# WASHINGTON—Circling every level multiple times with no luck whatsoever, Washington Post reporter Philip Rucker was frustrated Tuesday that every space in the parking garage was taken up by an anonymous source. “I’ve gone around and around, but I can’t find a single spot that isn’t already filled by an unidentified White House leaker,” said an exasperated Rucker, who recalled how easy it was to nab a prime parking place to clandestinely receive privileged information only a few short years ago. “It’s such a nightmare driving all the way to the very top of the whole fucking structure to hold a secret meeting with an informant and then have to squeeze into a spot reserved for compact cars that another journalist who’s meeting with a whistle-blower is halfway parked in anyway. Seriously, I have to start scheduling these rendezvous earlier, because as soon as dusk settles in, you can forget it.” At press time, Rucker was idling his car near the space occupied by a New York Times reporter who had just received a thumb drive and appeared to be wrapping things up.
Cuban Immigrant Can’t Believe He Risked Life Coming To America To Play For AA Birmingham Barons #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—Saying the current experience was not what he bargained for, Cuban immigrant Jorge Fernandez, 24, told reporters Tuesday that he cannot believe he risked his life coming to America to play second base for the AA Birmingham Barons. “Jesus Christ, I spent six days floating across the ocean in a cramped, rusted-out fishing boat just so I could end up playing in front of 40 people in the middle of Alabama,” said a visibly frustrated Fernandez, adding that after leaving behind his entire family, hitchhiking across Cuba to rendezvous with smugglers, and nearly capsizing at sea, he is now paid $2,000 a month to play at some stadium called Regions Field. “It’s a good thing there isn’t anything to do in this hick shithole, because I’m still paying 30 percent of every paycheck to my smugglers for getting me here. I watched two of my friends drown during the crossing, but if I’m lucky I might eventually get invited to play in the Arizona Fall League for the goddamn Glendale Desert Dogs. Give me a fucking break.” At press time, the man who survived on crackers for nearly a week at sea was reluctantly boarding a bus for a five-hour drive to an away game in Biloxi, Mississippi. 
Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father #~# MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father. “We do love him, but watching over him day in and day out really starts to wear on you, especially since his behavior’s just gotten so erratic,” said the raccoon’s son, explaining that it was exhausting to have someone there around the clock to wipe the froth from his mouth and make sure he doesn’t stray from their home range. “He always ends up lashing out at one of us, and just the other day, he thought one of our kits was a bird and tried to attack her. I get it—he’s 3 years old, and when you reach that advanced age, you start to lose it a little. But I’m not sure how much more of this we can take.” The raccoon went on to say that, while he was a little ashamed to admit it, maybe it would be best if his father wandered onto the highway and got hit by a car.
Disney’s ‘World Of Avatar’ Theme Park Opens #~# Based on the 2009 sci-fi film, Disney’s “Pandora: World of Avatar” theme park opened Memorial Day weekend. What do you think?
City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims #~# CARSON CITY, NV—Frightened for their lives despite the disappointing blandness of the murders, local residents told reporters Tuesday that they were terrorized but frankly unimpressed by a serial killer who has merely been shooting his victims. “For two months now, I’ve lived in constant worry for myself and my family, but come on, couldn’t this maniac be a bit more creative than just walking up and pulling a trigger?” said Carson City resident Susan Birken, acknowledging that she wished the madman causing her to check the locks on her doors and windows 10 times before bed had just the tiniest bit of panache. “If you’re going to kill a dozen innocent people and cause widespread panic throughout our community, at least have enough imagination to do something cool and ritualistic, or maybe leave body parts at different places around town according to some mysterious pattern—I mean, there hasn’t been a single cryptic Bible verse written in blood anywhere at all. But don’t get me wrong, even if it’s from a boring little hole in my chest, I’m still petrified of being his next victim.” At press time, residents said they’ll breathe a sigh of relief when the killer is finally captured and hoped, if nothing else, that police will find some really crazy shit in a journal.
Period Of Time In Which Parents Proud Of How Much Child Can Eat Quickly Dwindling #~# TOLEDO, OH—The end looming closer and closer with each additional meal, the period of time in which local parents Mark and Yasmin Miller could be proud of how much their child can eat was quickly dwindling, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, what a good eater!” said father Mark Miller on what was one of the few remaining occasions to feel a sense of accomplishment in the fact that his son consumed everything on his plate and to vocally praise him for eating all he was served. “You ate it all so quickly! And you even had seconds—great job, buddy!” At press time, the child’s parents remained silent after he dutifully finished his supper, and the boy was agonizing over how he had somehow let them down.
‘Top Gun’ Sequel Announced #~# Tom Cruise announced that a sequel to the 1986 action blockbuster “Top Gun” will begin filming sometime in the next year. What do you think?
Gianforte Wins Special Election #~# Republican candidate Greg Gianforte has won Montana’s special House election only 24 hours after allegedly assaulting a reporter, an incident for which Gianforte has now apologized. What do you think?
Best Sports Stadiums #~# As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School #~# DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School. “It was such an honor to have Bo Obama encouraging these fresh-faced young pups to seize their future and sit, stay, or heel as instructed,” said Dayton Obedience School administrator Hannah Muley, noting that the former first dog was the school’s most notable speaker since Moose from Frasier addressed graduates in 1998. “It was incredible to hear Bo’s stories about his time in Washington and how the impulse control skills that he learned at our institution helped him overcome the adversity he faced at the White House. Here was living proof that no goal is out of reach if you’re a good dog, such a good dog.” The speech was not welcomed by all, however, as several of the graduating canines reportedly walked out in protest due to Bo’s controversial stance on neutering.
President Trump Has Enacted The ‘Theseus Protocol’: What Does That Mean For America? #~# The documents referred to in this editorial are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
Empty Wall Behind Couch Falls Into Girlfriend’s Crosshairs #~# ATLANTA—Zeroing in with laser focus on the far side of the apartment, area woman Jess Macindoe placed the wall behind her boyfriend’s couch squarely in her crosshairs, sources confirmed Friday. Macindoe, whose pupils reportedly dilated at the unadorned white space as she prepared to act, sized up the wall’s entire 8 by 12 feet and began automatically cycling through a tactical suite of paint colors, mirrors, framed photos, and floating wooden shelves. According to apartment sources, Macindoe then locked on and navigated toward her target, recalibrating the precise heights of possible modern art prints with each step. At press time, Macindoe had reportedly opened her phone and begun scanning WestElm.com with extreme precision.
MSNBC Most Popular Cable News Network #~# After trailing its competitors for years, MSNBC just marked its first week ever as the most watched cable news network, with CNN second and Fox News third. What do you think?
Dave & Buster’s Opens New Fine Dining, Gaming Outpost David & Benedict’s #~# DALLAS—In a bold move marking its first foray into the luxury market, restaurant and video arcade chain Dave & Buster’s announced Thursday the opening of David & Benedict’s, a new fine dining and gaming outpost in the Napa Valley region of Northern California.
‘The Onion’ Invites Republican Candidate Greg Gianforte To Physically Assault Our Entire Editorial Staff #~# Given the important policies they oversee and the highly public nature of their work, it is to be expected that our government officials will at times come into conflict with the press, especially amid the tense political circumstances in which we now find ourselves. And it is not unusual for these tensions to reach an explosive flash point, as they did last night in Montana when Republican congressional candidate Greg Gianforte attacked a reporter from The Guardian for asking what was a shamefully antagonistic and prying question regarding the Republicans’ proposed healthcare bill.
Instagram Worst Social Network For Mental Health #~# A study of social media sites found that Instagram had the most negative influence on users’ mental health. What do you think?
Study Finds Not Acting Like Total Fucking Moron Most Attractive Quality In Potential Mate #~# PITTSBURGH—Saying that no characteristic was a better predictor of success in relationships, a new study released by Carnegie Mellon University’s Department of Psychology on Thursday concluded that not acting like a total fucking moron is the most attractive quality one can find in a potential mate. “Our findings indicate that, far more than physical appearance, wealth, or education level, not being a total dipshit is the single most desirable trait for attracting a romantic partner,” read the study in part, adding that the data demonstrated a robust correlation between behaving like something other than an absolute dumbass and being viewed as a worthy companion. “Nearly all of our experiment’s participants reported stronger feelings of attachment toward persons who did not conduct themselves like they were too goddamn stupid to function even one day in society, ranking them significantly higher than those who seemed incapable of acting like anything but completely nonsensical fuckwits.” Although the study couldn’t definitively determine the reasons behind this phenomenon, it speculated that it might be the result of an evolutionary imperative driving people to not want offspring with shit-for-brains genes.
Just Who Are The Trumps, Exactly? #~# The documents referred to in this editorial are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
‘Star Wars’ Turns 40 #~# When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:
Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom #~# OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom. “I was taking the sheets off Ryan’s bed for washing, and I happened to notice some of these vile images just sitting there tucked underneath his pillow,” said the mother of the highly touted 16-year-old high school quarterback, adding that she “could not believe [her] eyes” upon seeing the glossy Baylor football brochure filled with double-page spreads touting the program’s benefits and encouraging her son to accept an athletic scholarship from the university. “It just sickens me to think that my child is looking at this kind of filth and taking some sort of pleasure in any of it. I honestly thought I raised him better than this.” At press time, Loomis was reportedly sitting her son down to explain how damaging it can be for young men to normalize the kinds of things they see in Baylor football pamphlets.
Twitter Co-Founder Apologizes For Role In 2016 Election #~# Calling the internet “broken” and saying it helps spread hate speech, Twitter co-founder Evan Williams apologized for his site’s role in the 2016 election. What do you think?
FBI Investigating Fyre Festival #~# The Fyre Festival, which promised guests a luxury music festival experience before stranding them on a deserted island, is being investigated by the FBI for fraud. What do you think?
Carmelo Anthony Confident He Can Still Help Contender Flame Out In First Round #~# NEW YORK—Insisting that he’s capable of reaching the same heights as in the past, small forward Carmelo Anthony told reporters Wednesday that he is confident he can still help a contender flame out in the first round. “I may not be in my prime anymore, but I know I still have what it takes to help a team secure a high playoff seed and then get unexpectedly trounced in the first round,” said Anthony, who claimed he has not lost the skills to make an All-Star game, get fans’ hopes up in the regular season, and then implode against an inferior opponent before even reaching the conference championship. “Even if I’m not the number one option, I can help drag down a promising player by dominating the ball with constant one-on-one isolations and be a defensive liability that makes it impossible to beat a true championship contender in the playoffs. Everyone knows I still have plenty of postseason disappointment left in the tank.” Anthony also promised to bring invaluable veteran leadership to any team’s locker room arguments.
Most Notable Google Ventures #~# Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:
Every American Should Be Extremely Unsettled By The Initiatives Trump’s Cabinet Is Pursuing #~# The documents referred to in this editorial are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
Homesick Trump Stays Up All Night On Phone With Automated Mar-A-Lago Reservations Line #~# BRUSSELS—Sad and lonely from the diplomatic trip that has kept him thousands of miles away from his private estate for almost a week, a homesick Donald Trump stayed up all night on the phone with the automated Mar-a-Lago reservations line, sources said Wednesday. “The dining room will be open from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m., and tonight’s specials will be braised lamb with vegetables and herb-roasted salmon served on a bed of orzo, in addition to a six-star seafood buffet that will be served on the patio,” said the concierge’s voice on a pre-recorded message as the president, huddled under the blanket in his hotel, wiped tears away with his pajama sleeve and reminded himself that he only had three more days to go. “If you would like to access our premium spa or salon services, press 1; if you would like to schedule a tennis or golf lesson with one of our certified professionals, press 2; if you would like to book one of our spaces for a wedding or event, press 3. Please press 9 to hear the options again.” After cycling through the selections numerous times, Trump reportedly dozed off with the phone on his pillow and an untroubled smile on his sleeping face. 
‘Resident Evil’ Set For Reboot #~# The studio behind the Resident Evil films has announced they’re producing a reboot of the $1.2 billion franchise. What do you think?
Ringling Bros. Circus Shuts Down #~# After 146 years, the “Greatest Show on Earth” came to an end this week as the Ringling Bros. Circus gave its final performance. What do you think?
Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican #~# VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican. “God bless you, Mr. Trump!” said Vincenzo Endrizzi, an ordained pastor from the blue-collar Southern archdiocese of Lecce, who was clad in a well-worn cassock dirtied from spending hard hours leading worship and who was seen sipping sacramental wine from a koozie while holding up a handmade sign denouncing the “Holy See deep state.” “We need leaders like you to take on the blasphemous bureaucrats. We’ll get rid of this cuck pope real quick and put a maverick in the papal apartment!” At press time, a number of the archbishops, many of whom were heard shouting slurs against the Eastern Orthodox Church, had begun clashing with a group of younger cosmopolitan deacons who had gathered outside the Sistine Chapel to protest the president’s visit.
Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners #~# ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners. “Gosh, I just hope I don’t say anything stupid to them,” said Bell, who was reportedly concerned about coming off as too eager to talk as well as running out of things to say, especially when interacting with some of the league’s more veteran players. “Am I supposed to talk about the game, or are we supposed to discuss other stuff? I don’t want to seem overly friendly, but I also don’t want to seem like an idiot by acting tough or whatever. Maybe I’ll just play it cool and not say anything.” At press time, Bell was mentally berating himself for blurting out “nice hit” to Braves right fielder Nick Markakis after he took a base on balls.
We’re Running Out Of Time If We Still Want To Kill And Eat Jane Goodall #~# There’s something I’ve been meaning to bring up for a while now. I know we’ve talked about it over the years, but we’ve let ourselves get sidetracked from it for too long, and to be honest, the clock is ticking. If we don’t want the opportunity to slip away, we need to act soon. We simply don’t have a whole lot of time left if we’re really serious about killing and eating Jane Goodall. Look, Jane’s not getting any younger, and she doesn’t come around as often as she used to. We probably don’t have that many chances left. And what are we waiting for anyway? How long have we been saying that one of these days when she least expects it, we’re all going to pounce on her and then feast upon her flesh? Well, that’s not gonna happen unless we get our shit together fast. Next time she comes by, that’s it. We’ve got to do this. It’s now or never. Obviously, this should be pretty easy to pull off. She let her guard down around us decades ago. Think about how many times Jane has wandered into a clearing all by herself—right out in the open!—to observe our eating habits or pick up one of our newborns. Well, she’s obviously going to do this again, and that’s when a bunch of us can just swoop down from the trees and tear her to pieces. Seriously, once we’re gorging on her flesh, we’re gonna be kicking ourselves for having waited almost 60 years. Even if we all agree we should kill her—and, come on, is there anyone who’s not on board at this point?—we’re bound to have some differences of opinion as to the best way to do it. I personally would prefer to bash her skull in with a heavy rock the moment she steps out of her Jeep and walks over to greet us, but I’m open to other suggestions. I’m well aware that some of you are in favor of pulling her limbs off and devouring her dismembered torso, while there’s also a vocal minority that simply wants to squeeze the living breath from her body the next time she moves in for a hug. These are all fine ideas, and I could ultimately get behind any one of them as long as we kill Jane Goodall and kill her soon. She’s 83, for Christ’s sake. We want to eat her while there’s still enough of her to go around. As for which one of us actually does the killing, I think our best bet is for maybe 15 to 20 of us to close in on her from all sides, so she has absolutely no chance of escaping. In the spirit of fairness, I’d like to see everyone involved get the chance to rip away at least one solid handful of her flesh, but if our alpha male decides he wants to just snap Jane’s neck with a good hard yank of her ponytail, I’m certainly not going to argue. Now, who gets to eat which parts is something we can decide later, and we definitely should make sure that her heart, lungs, and viscera are distributed appropriately. I’d personally like to lay claim to her face—or at least some part of the head and brain—but what’s most important now is that we’re all on the same page about what’s going to happen the next time this woman shows up. Can we please, please agree on that? It’s way past time we pulled the trigger on this thing. 
God Wedges Another Cherub Beneath Leg To Level Wobbly Throne #~# THE HEAVENS—Upon discovering His shining celestial throne had again begun to wobble beneath Him, God the Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to level it out Tuesday by shoving another cherub under one of its legs. According to sources, The Lord grabbed one of the angelic beings circling above Him in the firmament by its wing and wedged it beneath His celestial seat’s front right leg, where two cherubim were already serving as shims. Realizing He required still more thickness beneath the leg to keep the throne from rocking back and forth every time He shifted His weight, God reportedly removed the cherub and folded it in half before reinserting it. At press time, reports confirmed the throne was still unsteady, and The Almighty had begun to suspect that it just needed to be placed on a more level cloud.
Who Are The Deeply Disturbed Individuals In Trump’s Inner Circle? #~# The documents referred to in this editorial are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
Swedish Town Votes Against Paid Sex Leave #~# After making headlines for a proposal to grant workers paid sex breaks, the Swedish town of Overtornea voted last week to reject the law. What do you think?
Basquiat Painting Sold For Record $110 Million #~# A painting of a skull by artist Jean-Michel Basquiat sold at Sotheby’s for $110.5 million, the most ever paid at auction for work by an American artist. What do you think?
Nike Releases New Sports Bra For Wearing Directly Under Coat While Shambling Around Grocery Store #~# BEAVERTON, OR—Touting the undergarment as an essential item for women on the go, Nike released a new sports bra Monday designed for wearing directly under a coat while shambling around the grocery store, sources reported. “The lightweight Nike Relax Pro fits comfortably beneath any baggy hoodie or windbreaker and offers unparalleled support as you quickly run into Stop & Shop to buy Tostitos,” said Nike spokesperson Melanie Turnett, adding that the sports bra utilizes sweat-wicking material specially equipped to handle hangover-induced perspiration. “As you hurry from one aisle to the next in search of string cheese and Advil, the Relax Pro’s compression knit fabric helps reduce bounce and discomfort. Plus, the bra’s racerback straps allow for a full range of movement in the checkout line as you dig frantically through your bag to find your misplaced debit card.” Turnett added that the bra is part of Nike’s larger Sunday Casual collection that includes torn, coffee-stained sweatpants and athletic sandals with broken straps.
Guinness Releases Abridged Book Of Freaks For Readers Who Just Want The Good Stuff #~# VANCOUVER—Announcing its publication in response to overwhelming demand, the editors of the Guinness World Records on Wednesday released an abridged book of freaks for readers who just want the good stuff. “For this new, shortened version of our classic record book, we cut out all the bullshit athletic and attendance records and went straight for the weirdos with super-long fingernails and hair covering their entire body,” said series editor Craig Glenday of Guinness World Records: Nothing But Freaks Edition, adding that the book also eliminated the vast majority of its text in order to give readers the full-page photos of giants, bizarre skin diseases, and sisters joined at the stomach. “Forget that tallest mountain bullshit—we put that mutant with the largest-ever tumor right there on page one. Why wait for the human skeleton, the guy with way too many fingers, and that nutjob with literally a thousand facial piercings? We’re not wasting your time with a woman that can speak 47 languages unless she’s also 18 fucking inches tall.” Glenday went on to say that the book also included several pictures of the Elephant Man even though he wasn’t technically a world record holder because, holy shit, look at him.
What Is Trump Hiding? #~# The documents referred to in this editorial are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistle-blower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
Dennis Quaid Playing George W. Bush In Katrina Drama #~# “Day After Tomorrow” star Dennis Quaid will play George W. Bush in the second season of American Crime Story, which will focus on the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. What do you think?
Executive Order Designating Grand Canyon As Morgue #~# The document below is part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
The Lighthouse Question #~# The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
White House Operations #~# The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
White House Staffers #~# The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
The Executive Branch #~# The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
Environmental Protection Agency #~# The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
Daily Schedules #~# The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
White House Counsel #~# The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
Children’s Letters To The President #~# The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
Secret Recordings #~# The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
Kellyanne Conway #~# Counselor To The President
Stephen Bannon #~# White House Chief Strategist
Sean Spicer #~# White House Press Secretary
Jared Kushner #~# Senior Advisor To The President
Stephen Miller #~# Senior Advisor To The President
The Theseus Protocol #~# The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
Reince Priebus #~# White House Chief Of Staff
Central Intelligence Agency #~# The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
Betsy DeVos #~# Secretary Of Education
Dr. Ben Carson #~# Secretary Of Housing And Urban Development
Executive Orders #~# The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
Presidential Briefings #~# The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
The Trump Family #~# The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
Donald Trump #~# President Of The United States
Michael Pence #~# Vice President Of The United States
Trump Takes First Diplomatic Trip #~# President Donald Trump leaves today for an eight-day diplomatic trip to the Middle East and Europe, his first since entering office. What do you think?
Report: Morbid Curiosity Now Accounts For 79% Of Nation’s Snack Food Purchases #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Identifying a clear preference for novelty above all other qualities, a report from the University of Minnesota released Friday found that morbid curiosity now accounts for 79 percent of the nation’s snack food purchases. “Whether they’re trying to figure out if a jelly bean really tastes like popcorn or what the deal is with those puffy shrimp chips that apparently are really popular in Asia, we’ve concluded that consumers buy snacks three-quarters of the time purely from an intense desire to determine whether a product corresponds with its purported flavor,” said the report’s author, Carol Souza, adding that almost 20 percent of those purchases alone were prompted by a keen interest in how biscuits-and-gravy was reduced to a potato chip coating. “Many people didn’t even seem to care whether or not the wasabi chocolate or seven-layer-dip Combos were good, only that they tasted anything at all like what they expected. Once they actually tried the products, they generally had no incentive whatsoever to purchase them a second time.” Souza went on to say that an additional 10 percent of snack foods were purchased purely to ascertain whether they tasted the same as they did when you were a kid.
Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife #~# PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created. Those close to the couple said the two first met during Deep Blue’s match against Kasparov in 1996, and though the Russian grandmaster beat the computer four games to two, Vovk and Deep Blue struck up a friendship and continued corresponding via email. Sources said the intimate but platonic relationship blossomed into an indelible romance after Kasparov and Vovk’s marriage fell apart in 2005—with Vovk often complaining to friends that the increasingly distant Kasparov was “more of a chess robot than Deep Blue.” Soon thereafter, the couple reportedly shared their first romantic dinner at the same restaurant where they celebrated the occasion a decade later, having married in 2007 and gotten past the brief dalliance Vovk had with Jeopardy! champion Watson in 2012.
DNC Chair Tracks Down Biden In Everglades Tossing Whole Chickens To Gators #~# HOMESTEAD, FL—Acting on a tip from a local fisherman who caught the former vice president siphoning gas from his outboard motor, DNC Chairman Tom Perez on Monday reportedly tracked down Joe Biden deep in the Florida Everglades tossing whole raw chickens to alligators.
Tick Scientists Confirm 2017 Summer Will Be Best On Record #~# WASHINGTON—Citing numerous encouraging projections from their research, the nation’s tick scientists confirmed Friday that the summer of 2017 would be the best on record. “All 900 species of tick, regardless of whether they’re hard or soft, should plan on enjoying the best summer of their lives thanks to the historically high heat and humidity levels we’re seeing in our calculations,” said the head tick scientist, a standard eight-legged American dog tick, explaining how the excellent season they’re expecting will provide optimal conditions in forest systems worldwide for the hematophagic parasites to lay eggs, metamorphosize, and hide amongst vegetation while waiting to climb onto passing hosts. “Above all others, this year presents ample opportunity for us to bite and possibly transmit diseases to thousands of different birds, humans, and species of livestock. It’s not beyond the realm of possibility that we will gorge on a historic amount of blood, while our chances of being crushed or sprayed are at an all-time low.” The head tick scientist then urged ticks everywhere to “get on out there” before skittering around some dirt and climbing up a tall blade of grass.
Mom Sent On Fact-Finding Mission To Read What Parking Sign Down Street Says #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Upon discovering what appeared to be an ideal parking spot Friday, members of the Jowhari family reportedly dispatched their mother, Anita, on a fact-finding mission to investigate the details of a nearby street sign. “I can’t see from here—find out when they tow and if there’s a thing with street sweeping on certain days,” said Jowhari’s daughter Katie, 15, who remained in the idling vehicle with her father and brother while her mother jogged down the sidewalk to gather the details required to determine if it was, in fact, safe to leave their vehicle. “And what’s that little red sign below the green one? Something about deliveries? Oh, maybe you can park there but only on weekends. Do they do that?” At press time, family members were attempting to make sense of the 46-year-old’s exaggerated waving from down the block.
Mice Give Birth Using 3D-Printed Ovaries #~# In a step toward treatments for human infertility, scientists implanted 3D-printed ovaries into mice, which were then able to give birth using the artificial organs. What do you think?
Hundreds Of Miniature Sean Hannitys Burst From Roger Ailes’ Corpse #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Clawing over each other and gasping for air as they emerged, hundreds of miniature Sean Hannitys reportedly burst from Roger Ailes’ corpse Thursday shortly after the former Fox News CEO’s death. “At first, one little hand broke through his skin, and then dozens and dozens of Sean Hannitys just erupted out of Roger’s chest cavity,” said one witness, adding that the cacophony caused by the two-inch-tall, mucus-covered Hannitys screeching right-wing talking points drowned out every other sound in the room. “They were suddenly everywhere, shrieking about the war on Christmas, paid protesters, and coddled, crybaby liberals on college campuses. One of the nasty little things even scampered up the wall and started gnawing on the doorframe. And, my Lord, they just smelled so foul.” At press time, the miniature Sean Hannitys were ravenously devouring Ailes’ corpse.
Chelsea Manning Released #~# Army Private Chelsea Manning was released from prison this week after serving seven years of a 35-year sentence for leaking classified information. What do you think?
Trump Trying To Figure Out How To Unsubscribe From Boring National Security Email List #~# WASHINGTON—Fed up with the constant notifications about threats to the United States, an exasperated President Trump was trying to figure out how to unsubscribe from the boring national security email list, sources reported Thursday. “Every day, I get these stupid, dull emails about terrorist stuff or nuclear weapons testing, and I can’t find a way to make them stop,” said the president, adding that while he manually deletes the individual highly classified messages as he receives them, he wished there were an actual unsubscribe button so they wouldn’t “clog up [his] inbox” in the first place. “They really should be going to my spam folder, because I don’t remember giving anyone in the CIA or the Department of Homeland Security my email address. If I have to keep getting these top-secret briefings, they should at least make them fun to read. I bet nobody’s actually finished one of them in the history of this country.” At press time, Trump had called an IT person and asked if he could just stop getting emails from anyone with a .gov account.
Man Walks In On Roommate In Kitchen Having Way With His Leftovers #~# SAN ANTONIO—Shuddering as he recalled the details of the traumatic encounter, local man Christopher Gao told reporters Thursday that he walked in on one of his roommates having his way with his leftovers in the kitchen. “I got home from work a bit early and went to grab a beer, and that’s when I saw him right there with the containers on the counter, just going at it,” said a shaken Gao, adding that having noticed his roommate eye his leftovers a few times before, he had his suspicions, but nothing could have prepared him for the shock of what was happening right in front of him, particularly the loud slurping and lip-smacking sounds he has been unable to get out of his head even now. “I just stood there staring for two minutes before he even noticed me. I started screaming, ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ and he tried to quickly cover everything up—but I know what I saw.” According to Gao, his roommate later tried to explain away his actions by saying he was drunk and even attempted to shift the blame by saying Gao had neglected his leftovers in the fridge and not given them the attention they deserved.
A Timeline Of Aviation History #~# This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.
Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings #~# IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings. “When you’ve gotten drinks with someone a few times over the past couple of months, the surprise gift of a 2-karat princess-cut diamond in a white gold setting is a beautiful way to show that person you’re ready to continue meeting up for sex without any emotional complications for the time being,” Zales spokesperson Stephanie Hewitt said of the new rings, which range in price from just under $1,000 to $30,000 and are designed to symbolize “the special way you feel when you’re not ready to use labels like ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ and possibly never will be.” “You can customize the engraving on your ring or use one of our pre-written sentiments such as ‘This has been great’ and ‘Thanks for keeping things chill.’ And since you’ve almost certainly agreed to not be exclusive, we even have discounted packages of up to 12 rings that you can hand out to multiple intimate partners.” At press time, Zales confirmed it would soon be unveiling a one-night stand diamond ring specially crafted to be left on the kitchen table as you quietly let yourself out the next morning.
Notable Athlete-Branded Products #~# With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
Boss Thinks Female Employee Might Be Ready To Handle Job She’s Been Doing For Past 2 Years #~# NEW YORK—Believing she may be ready for a higher-level position within the company, a manager at Vidmark Interactive said Thursday that the time had quite possibly come to promote employee Megan Sharpe to the job she has already been doing for about two years now. “Megan’s been great, and I can really see her taking on a new role [whose official responsibilities she already assumes, by default, in her present position],” said chief content officer Chuck Harpster, to whom Sharpe will report if he ultimately determines she does indeed have the skills necessary to handle the duties she has been successfully performing on a daily basis since early 2015. “In addition to giving her a new title, we would, of course, increase her salary [to an amount that would finally be commensurate with the work she does now but that would do nothing to compensate her for having essentially done two people’s jobs for 24 straight months].” At press time, sources confirmed Vidmark executives had decided against the promotion after realizing everything was running pretty smoothly as is.
Study: Healthy Foods Most Likely To Be Thrown Out #~# Researchers found that Americans throw out a disproportionate amount of healthy foods, with fruits and vegetables the most likely to be wasted. What do you think?
Katy Perry To Be ‘American Idol’ Judge #~# Pop singer Katy Perry will take over as a judge on American Idol when ABC brings back the popular musical competition series later this year. What do you think?
Kicking, Screaming Warren Buffett Dragged From Caesars Palace After Losing Everything At Roulette Wheel #~# LAS VEGAS—Cursing at security officers as he fought their efforts to escort him from the premises, a kicking, screaming Warren Buffett was reportedly dragged from Caesars Palace Hotel and Casino early Wednesday morning after losing his entire fortune playing roulette.
Crowd Shocked After Unhinged Trump Dangles Baby From Truman Balcony #~# WASHINGTON—Shocked by the reckless act of child endangerment, a crowd outside the White House stared in horror as an unhinged Donald Trump on Wednesday reportedly dangled a baby from the Truman Balcony. According to witnesses, the president emerged from the double swing doors holding a 9-month-old infant, causing the already excited crowd to cheer even louder—enthusiasm that turned to gasps, however, when Trump proceeded to lift the squirming, kicking child over the metal railing and dangle it over the two-story terrace, using just one arm to secure it. Barely able to continue holding onto the baby, witnesses said the commander in chief yanked it back over, then returned inside and closed the door. At press time, a devastated Trump had apologized, saying he was only trying to connect with his constituents, and had reportedly locked himself away as a recluse at Mar-a-Lago.
Nation Allows Itself 5 Minutes To Believe This All Going To Be Over Soon #~# WASHINGTON—Indulging in a brief but blissful pause to imagine that normalcy would soon be returning, the nation on Wednesday allowed itself five precious minutes to believe that all of this would soon be over. “This Russia and Comey stuff is the tipping point—all this madness is going to be behind us in no time, and we can go about our lives like we used to,” said Tampa, FL resident Kelly Hinshaw, one of the 321 million Americans who granted themselves just a few moments to hold the opinion that it wouldn’t be long until everything was okay once more, in fact probably just a week or two. “I haven’t focused as much on work and my friends because I’ve been so wrapped up in awful political news. But I’m glad we’re turning the page on that stuff and that I’m going to be able to focus on other priorities again. I’m just so glad we made it through.” At press time, the populace of the United States could not fucking believe the notification that just showed up on their phones.
CC Sabathia Chowing Down On Homemade Marinara Baseball Sub #~# KANSAS CITY—His face dripping with sauce and strings of mozzarella cheese, New York Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia was reportedly chowing down on a homemade marinara baseball sub in the team’s dugout Wednesday. “Oh man, there have to be six or seven baseballs in that sandwich, and he’s absolutely going to town on it,” outfielder Brett Gardner said of his teammate, who explained to Gardner that the best way to make the hero was to panfry a couple of Rawlings official league balls and then slow-simmer them in his custom garlic basil tomato sauce before laying them out on a freshly baked foot-long Italian roll atop several slices of mozzarella and a sprinkling of parmesan. “A ball squirted out of the bottom and he just scooped it right up with his glove and popped it straight into his mouth. He’s barely even chewing as he inhales that thing. He’s just a machine.” At press time, a bloated and lethargic Sabathia was reportedly using a toothpick to remove a strand of yarn stuck in his teeth.
Robotic Exoskeleton Prevents Elderly From Falling Down #~# To help prevent common fall-related injuries among elderly people, scientists have built a robotic exoskeleton that senses when the wearer is off-balance and adjusts to keep them upright. What do you think?
Zac Efron To Play Ted Bundy In New Film #~# Former Disney Channel star Zac Efron will reportedly play Ted Bundy in an upcoming film about the serial killer who murdered at least 30 women in the 1970s. What do you think?
Slight Breeze A Major Factor In Wiffle Ball Game #~# EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Wreaking havoc as it slowly blew across the backyard, a slight breeze reportedly played a major factor in the Harelik family’s Wiffle ball game last Sunday. “Normally Uncle Rob is good for a couple big home runs, but nothing was getting over our neighbor’s fence that day with such a gentle summer wind,” said Jordan Harelik, 14, describing the adjustments he and relatives on both teams were forced to make while attempting to bat, throw, and catch the ball through the barely discernible 2 mph east-to-west currents. “The breeze was making Aunt Susan’s pitches hook like crazy, and if she didn’t put some real heat on her throws they died before even making it to the lawn chair we used as a catcher. Tyler was running in circles just trying to catch Mom’s pop fly that kept dancing in the wind, and his drop ended up costing us two runs. It was a real mess out there.” Family members confirmed that gameplay became almost completely impossible in the fourth inning after the ball became slightly dented.
Firebrand John McCain Demands Immediate Investigation Into Why He Remaining Complicit #~# WASHINGTON—Demanding that Congress intervene immediately in the alarming situation, firebrand Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) demanded an investigation Tuesday into why he’s chosen to remain complicit in all of this, sources reported. “Frankly, we need an independent counsel to look into why I continue to do absolutely nothing in the face of mounting evidence against this reckless, unethical, and potentially compromised White House,” said McCain, passionately arguing that his disturbing pattern of inaction in regards to the Trump administration raises “deeply troubling questions” about his own motivations. “Without a thorough inquiry empowered to go wherever the facts may lead, I’m afraid we’ll never get to the bottom of why my opposition to this madness amounts to little more than the mildest of criticisms on Meet The Press. The fact that I essentially rubber-stamp this president’s agenda despite a reputation for integrity and independence simply doesn’t add up, and the time has come to find out once and for all what’s really going on with me.” At press time, McCain insisted that a special investigation was not necessary, a statement that McCain said only lent credence to his darkest suspicions.
The Onion’s 2017 Summer Movie Preview #~# With blockbuster season just around the corner, The Onion highlights the most anticipated films of the summer.
Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’ #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning Washington Post report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being. “I am a big idiot,” said the president, adding that the reason he always messes everything up is that he is a dumb moron who doesn’t know better. “I do a lot of things that don’t make sense and are bad, and that’s because I don’t understand much. If I was smart, I would do stuff better, but I’m not. I’m really, really stupid.” The commander in chief added that it was probably best if somebody stopped him from doing dumb things all the time because he was too stupid to know how.
Oh, So I’m Distant And Emotionally Abusive For Several Years, And All Of A Sudden I’m Not Good Enough For You Anymore? #~# So this is it? You’re just leaving? After everything we’ve been through, after everything we’ve shared, you’re just going to walk out of here as if it all meant nothing. I can’t believe you can stand there and tell me it’s over. How can you suddenly say I’m not good enough for you, just because I’ve been distant and emotionally abusive for the past several years?
Tesla Debuts Solar Roofing Tiles #~# Electric car manufacturer Tesla has begun taking orders for its new Solar Roof, which the company says will pay for itself by defraying owners’ electricity costs. What do you think?
Hackers Launch Biggest Cyberattack Ever #~# In the largest cyberattack in history, computers in over 150 countries were infected this weekend by a ransomware virus based on leaked NSA hacking tools. What do you think?
FBI Declassifies J. Edgar Hoover’s Extensive File On The Munster Family #~# WASHINGTON—Unsealing the dossier after nearly 50 years, the Federal Bureau of Investigation declassified former director J. Edgar Hoover’s extensive file on the Munster family, sources confirmed Monday. “These 3,600 documents reveal that the California monster family were of significant interest to J. Edgar Hoover during his extrajudicial intelligence-gathering campaigns,” said Andrew Jewett, an American History professor at Harvard, adding that from 1964-66 the FBI chief had obtained numerous tapes of the Munsters and instructed federal agents to transcribe all conversations of the 1313 Mockingbird Lane residents. “According to multiple letters to officials, Hoover suspected that Munster family patriarch Vladimir Dracula or ‘Grandpa’ was a communist working in his dungeon laboratory to develop chemical weapons to use on American soldiers and civilians. He was also convinced they were using the tower at Munster Mansion to send coded messages to either the Soviets or radical dissident political groups.” Several documents also reportedly showed that Hoover had directed FBI agents to follow the Munster Koach and to recruit niece Marilyn Munster as an informant.
Crate & Barrel Introduces Line Of Disgusting Couches You Can Put On Your Porch #~# NORTHBROOK, IL—Describing them as the perfect seating options for abandoning to the elements, Crate & Barrel on Monday unveiled a new line of disgusting couches made specifically to be put on your porch. “Each ratty couch in our Mildew Inspirations collection is carefully designed to be left outside, rained on, and dragged into the yard during a party,” said Crate & Barrel CEO Neela Montgomery, adding that every dilapidated style in the collection would be available in tattered vinyl or heavily pilled polyfiber and that customers could choose from a variety of colors including yellowing green and faded black, as well as 10 varieties of brown. “These couches have been impeccably assembled to deeply sag in the middle and reek of beer, with meticulous attention paid to making sure each couch is covered in sauce stains and wobbles no matter where you sit on it. Additionally, customers can have their couches customized with strips of duct tape over the gashes in the fabric or a thick layer of dog hair covering each cushion.” Montgomery went on to say that the couches come with a set of two rust-colored throw pillows that are always damp and release a sour puff of air from their ruptured seams every time they are handled.
Glimpse Of Father’s Toenails Offers Boy Petrifying Vision Of Future #~# MONTAUK, NY—Badly shaken by what he had just witnessed, local boy Peter Danielson, 12, expressed shock Monday after a brief glimpse of his father’s toenails offered a terrifying vision of his future. “Is that…is that what’s going to happen to me?” the shuddering child said after seeing the cracked, milky-yellowish protuberances of uneven thickness when the elder Danielson removed his boots and socks following some yard work. “Am I gonna grow weird hair like that, too? What about all that dried skin just flaking off his feet? Is there any escape for me?” Although Danielson had managed to steady himself by press time, sources suggested that he will be completely unable to cope when he encounters his grandfather’s toenails next month at a beach outing.
Historians Discover Thomas Jefferson May Have Secretly Fathered Multiple Other Countries #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Lending credence to widely circulated rumors about the third president of the United States, historians announced Monday the discovery of journals that suggest Thomas Jefferson may have clandestinely fathered several other countries. “There was always speculation that Jefferson had actually sired a number of independent nations, and these documents found at his estate, Monticello, provide evidence that he was indeed a Founding Father of more republics than just the one for which he’s known,” said University of Virginia professor Sarah Gilden, adding that at least a few of Jefferson’s secret countries are believed to be in the Caribbean. “Entries from the journals seem to indicate that Jefferson begot countries from a number of territories he visited during trips abroad, countries that most likely had no knowledge that they were in fact half-siblings of the United States. Whether Jefferson was aware of the countries he himself fathered is unclear, but given his prominence in American life, he certainly would not have wanted it made public.” Experts have also concluded that while not all the countries fathered by Jefferson have been confirmed, it may be possible to identify them from a shared set of debilitating defects.
‘I’m Just Here To Win Football Games,’ Says 22-Year-Old Draft Pick Who Will Get Everyone Fired #~# CHICAGO—Saying that he is solely focused on becoming the best quarterback possible, a 22-year-old first-round draft pick who will get most of the franchise leadership fired told reporters Monday that he is “just here to win football games.” “Making it to the NFL has always been my dream, and I’m really excited to go out there and have some fun playing the sport I love,” said the second overall pick, whose poor on-field performance and lack of noticeable improvement over the next three years will lead to the terminations of his head coach, offensive coordinator, head scout, GM, and 70 percent of the front office staff before he himself is released the following season. “I just want to show what I’m made of and leave it all out there for the team. I’m ready to prove myself and help take us to the next level.” The draft pick also added he was excited to deliver a championship to the fans that will one day burn his jersey in effigy. 
Ibuprofen Linked To Increased Heart Attack Risk #~# A new study found that when taken regularly, ibuprofen and other common anti-inflammatory painkillers are linked to an increased risk of heart attack. What do you think?
Mob Of Rowdy Mothers Bum-Rush Botanical Garden #~# GLENCOE, IL—Howling in the parking lot hours before the scheduled 8 a.m. opening time, a mob of rowdy mothers bum-rushed the Chicago Botanic Garden, shaken witnesses reported Sunday. “It was still dark when they showed up, hundreds of them—they were just throwing their bodies against the gate like animals,” said groundskeeper Walter Morse, adding that when the entrance proved too narrow for the surge of moms streaming onto the garden grounds, the horde simply clawed through nearby topiary hedges and had within minutes swarmed every path of the bulb garden, with several fistfights reportedly breaking out over prime photo spots in front of the tulip beds. “We tried to hold them back, but as soon as they got that first whiff of hydrangea, there was no controlling them. After a while, we could only watch and hope the Japanese garden would still be there when the moms finally left for brunch. We thought we’d have time to at least secure the gift shop because they’d stop there at the end of their rampage, but by the time we arrived, the door had already been kicked down, and every logo tote bag and lavender sachet was either gone or torn to pieces.” At press time, the mob had mostly dispersed, allowing paramedics to finally retrieve the mother who had been trampled and lay face-down in a field of bluebells.
Amazon Building Homeless Shelter Inside Seattle Headquarters #~# Partnering with a nonprofit, Amazon is donating 47,000 square feet of space in its new headquarters as permanent housing for the homeless. What do you think?
Sleepover Guests Can Only Wonder What Mysterious Delights Lie Tucked Inside Off-Limits Room #~# PEORIA, IL—Wildly speculating about the tantalizing pleasures awaiting just out of reach, sleepover guests at the Rudder household reportedly could only wonder Friday what mysterious delights lie tucked inside the off-limits upstairs room. “Everyone have fun, but we keep that door closed—you can’t go in there,” mother Linda Rudder said to the group of 10-year-olds, who sources confirmed listened to the warning as if in a trance, imagining all the forbidden treasures that surely must abound immediately beyond the threshold they were barred from crossing. “You guys can hang out in the living room or the basement, and you can get snacks from the kitchen whenever you want. But that door upstairs stays shut at all times, okay?” At press time, several of the sleepover guests had reportedly laid down on the floor, rested their heads on the carpet, and squinted at the thin gap under the door in hopes of catching just a glimpse of the marvels beyond.
Woman Rearranging Condiments In Refrigerator Door Like Puzzle In Ancient Tomb #~# SANTA CRUZ, CA—Carefully inspecting the rows in hopes of deciphering the right configuration among thousands, local woman Mary Molatino was reportedly rearranging the condiments in her refrigerator door Friday like she was working on a puzzle in an ancient tomb. The 26-year-old, as if sorting glyphs to reveal the mysterious pattern that would unlock a pharaoh’s burial chamber, began by twisting a bottle of salad dressing edgewise and sliding it against the light mayonnaise, a maneuver that left room for the newly purchased jar of cornichons and, if her hunch was correct, the Sriracha sauce. According to sources, Molatino then paused to consider the difficult task that still lay before her, in the manner of a seasoned archaeologist keenly aware that the crypt of a king would not easily yield to the desecration of a trespasser. Leaving the large butter dish undisturbed as though it were a chalice honoring the sun god Ra that could trigger a booby trap if tampered with, Molatino swapped a squeeze bottle of ketchup with a container of almond milk, at which point it dawned on her that everything would fit into place if she slightly tilted the wine bottle, stacked the jam jars, and then delicately wedged the olive jar between the Vitamin Waters and the edge of the shelf. At press time, brimming with the satisfaction one might have at being the first to solve a 5,000-year-old riddle, Molatino suddenly heard an unearthly rumble from the ice machine.
Bill Clinton Co-Authoring Novel With James Patterson #~# Bill Clinton is collaborating with best-selling author James Patterson on a thriller novel titled The President Is Missing. What do you think?
Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs. “Given the increasingly strained relations, the president has decided to make significant changes to his roster of top-level news and commentary shows,” said Spicer, confirming that Meet The Press and Morning Joe were among a number of programs that had forfeited their privileged post at the White House by challenging Trump on several occasions, at one point provoking him to yell for several minutes before storming out of the room. “While President Trump welcomes diverse viewpoints, he does require that the programs he receives counsel from share his vision for his administration and our country—after all, we’re talking about his most trusted advisors.” At press time, Fox & Friends was now reportedly one of President Trump’s most senior confidantes and was even rumored to be taking the lead on briefings while the president listened attentively.
NBC Airing ‘Jesus Christ Superstar Live!’ #~# NBC has scheduled a live version of the 1971 Broadway musical Jesus Christ Superstar for Easter 2018. What do you think?
Lesser Known MLB Hall Of Fame Artifacts And Exhibits #~# With over 40,000 baseball artifacts calling Cooperstown home, Onion Sports outlines some of the lesser known exhibits in the MLB Hall of Fame.
Pressure Mounting For Humans To Step Down As Head Of Failing Global Ecosystem #~# EARTH—Noting that the species’ tenure in the leadership role has been marked by an incompetence and shortsightedness that has caused irreparable damage, sources reported Thursday that humans are facing increased calls to give up their position as head of the world’s failing ecosystem.
Report: 15% Of Cars In Mall Parking Lots Occupied By Family Member Who Stormed Off After Fight #~# PHILADELPHIA—Confirming their findings were consistent across all observed locations and at all times of day, a report released Thursday by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania found that 15 percent of cars in mall parking lots are occupied by family members who stormed out to the vehicles following a heated argument. “According to our data, roughly one in seven automobiles in shopping mall parking garages contain an individual attempting to get away from their insensitive, overly critical, indecisive, or slow-paced family members in the wake of a screaming match that, in many cases, had been brewing all day before coming to a head in the linen section of a department store or the Forever 21 dressing rooms,” read the report, which noted that 4 percent of motor vehicles in mall parking areas contain a father angrily sitting at the wheel listening to a classic rock radio station after a dispute with his wife in Sur La Table while trying to decide on a birthday gift for his mother-in-law; 4 percent contain a daughter texting her friends how mad she is at her parents for refusing to buy a dress at American Eagle that was deemed either too expensive or immodest; and an additional 3 percent contain an individual who could not take it anymore when a family member said they just needed to check out GameStop or Crabtree & Evelyn “real quick.” “We also found that subjects were evenly split between those who curtly informed their family that they’d be waiting in the car before heading toward the parking lot, and those who just asked for the keys and walked off. Furthermore, we noted that an additional 6 percent of vehicles are occupied by a family member who became embroiled in a verbal spat on the drive to the mall and needed some space for a moment before meeting the rest of their family inside the mall a little later.” The report also noted that the vast majority of pretzel purchases from Auntie Anne’s are made in an attempt to make amends after such fights.
Area Mom Convinced 30-Year-Old Daughter Would Be Married By Now If She Just Brushed Her Hair More #~# LAYTON, UT—Certain it was all that was holding her back from finding the man of her dreams, area mom Janet Kessler told reporters Thursday that she was convinced her 30-year-old daughter Meredith would be married by now if she just brushed her hair more. “You know, if you just took a few extra minutes in the morning to run a comb through your hair, I’m absolutely certain you’d have a husband by now,” said Kessler, adding that if Meredith didn’t take care of the frizz, the closest she’d ever get to a wedding would be as someone else’s bridesmaid. “I’m not saying that you have to do anything fancy, but I know you would’ve already tied the knot if you just made a real effort to get those tangles out. Who wants to spend their life with someone who pulls their hair back like some farm girl?” Kessler went on to say she’d have at least one grandchild by now if her daughter just wore lipstick every once in a while.
Milestones In Artificial Intelligence #~# Twenty years ago today, computer Deep Blue made history by beating world champion Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. The Onion looks back at some of the most important moments in the development of AI technology:
Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking #~# ‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man
Low Doses Of THC Could Restore Brain Function In Older Mice #~# Researchers found that geriatric mice treated with low doses of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, showed improved cognitive function. What do you think?
Trump Fires FBI Director Comey #~# Donald Trump has fired FBI Director James Comey, who was leading the federal investigation of Russian interference in the 2016 election. What do you think?
Constitution Rapidly Ages Another 100 Years From Stress Of Repeated Crises #~# WASHINGTON—With yesterday’s dismissal of former FBI director James Comey serving as yet another burden on the historic document, the staff at the National Archives reported Wednesday that the U.S. Constitution had rapidly aged another 100 years from the stress of repeated crises. “All the strain it’s endured has really taken an awful toll on its appearance,” said archivist David Ferriero of the wrinkled, threadbare piece of legislation, adding that the accumulated tension from numerous attempts to undermine its status as the nation’s supreme law had caused the parchment to go completely white. “You can really see how all of these affronts to its essential role in our democracy have started to wear on it—you’d never believe a charter this broken down was only written in the late 18th century. I mean, no 226-year-old statement of legal principles should look like it’s almost 350.” Ferriero went on to say that, given all the Constitution had suffered through, he wouldn’t be surprised if it passed away well before its time.
Department Of Interior Sets Aside 50,000 Acres As National Wildfire Refuge #~# WASHINGTON—Designating the area a protected space where the blazes could thrive in their natural habitat, the Department of Interior announced Wednesday that it had set aside 50,000 acres of federal land as a National Wildfire Refuge. “This reserve will act as a sanctuary for our country’s precious wildfires and help safeguard them for generations to come,” said Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, who authorized the sectioning off of a large swath of dry grassland and coniferous forest in Southern California that was deemed an ideal location for wildfires to thrive. “Now these magnificent infernos can roam freely without the threat of interference or extinguishment from humans. While we cannot bring back the many wildfires that have already been recklessly doused in water or chemical foam, we can offer a safe haven to those that remain and a chance to flourish once again.” At press time, the wildfire population was rapidly rebounding, and the Interior Department was hastily expanding the refuge by an additional 25,000 acres.
Network Engineer Would Be Systems Manager If He Could Do It All Over Again #~# WATERBURY, CT—Reflecting wistfully on what he might have made of himself had he chosen a different profession, Dynatrend Solutions network engineer Alan Miller said Wednesday that he would be a systems manager if he had the chance to go back and do it all over again.
Trump Announces 40-Month-Long Search To Fill FBI Director Post #~# WASHINGTON—Saying it was essential to fill the now vacant post with just the right person, President Trump announced Wednesday the start of a 40-month search to find a replacement for recently dismissed FBI director James Comey. “Whomever we appoint to run the agency must be someone of impeccable character and reputation, and finding this individual will inevitably take at least three and a half years,” said Trump, adding that it would be irresponsible to advance any open investigations until they could be overseen by a new FBI director at some point in the year 2020, though possibly at an even later date. “In fact, we must spend however many weeks, months, and years are required to find an appropriate candidate. Quantifying the time frame underestimates the difficult task at hand and the lengthy—one might even say indefinite—process to come.” Trump went on to say that given the difficulty of selecting the right successor, it was quite possible that the search would remain unfinished in his lifetime.
Authorities: Missing Plates And Glasses Found Filthy But Safe In Roommate’s Room #~# CARSON CITY, MI—Nearly a week after the dishes vanished from the kitchen cabinets, authorities reported Wednesday that a collection of missing plates and glasses were found filthy but safe in roommate Brian Massoud’s room. “We are pleased to announce that the three missing plates and five glasses were located on the floor next to Brian’s bed, absolutely disgusting but now, thankfully, out of harm’s way,” said Michael Sanders, who had led the exhaustive search of the three-bedroom apartment that had seemed hopeless until a tip from Massoud’s girlfriend directed authorities to a dinner plate crusted with melted cheese and a tumbler with fingernail clippings floating in an inch of rapidly spoiling milk. “Unsurprisingly, given what they’ve been through, it will take some time before these dishes will be able to handle any contact with food or drink. But with the proper rehabilitation, we are optimistic that they can be reshelved and resume a normal life.” At press time, the dishes had all been placed in the kitchen sink, where they were reportedly soaking comfortably.
The Onion’s Mother’s Day Gift Guide #~# With Mother’s Day just around the corner, The Onion has put together a selection of gifts that any mom would love.
New App Adds Virtual Statues Of Iconic Women To Cities #~# A new app called The Whole Story uses augmented reality and GPS to add virtual statues of notable women to cities. What do you think?
Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band #~# ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16
Stephen Hawking: Humans Have 100 Years Left #~# Updating his prediction that humans will go extinct in the next 1,000 years, physicist Stephen Hawking now states that we have only a century left on earth. What do you think?
MLB Recommends Teams Limit Amount Of Screen Time For Rookies #~# NEW YORK—Citing the numerous studies linking the overuse of electronic devices to stunted development, the MLB reportedly sent a memo to all 30 teams Tuesday that recommended limiting the amount of screen time for rookies. “During that incredibly important first year, coaches should ideally prohibit players from spending more than two hours per day in front of computers, phones, and TVs,” read the memo authored by MLB medical director Dr. Gary Green, warning that excessive screen time could have significant consequences for rookies’ physical fitness, concentration at the plate, and ability to socialize with teammates. “Although it’s easy and convenient to simply sit rookies down with an iPad or in front of the clubhouse TV to keep them occupied, teams need to realize that these players are still at a precarious place in their cognitive, physical, and emotional development. While there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, rookies’ screen time should be mostly dedicated to high-quality programming, such as tape of opposing pitchers. Ultimately, it’s up to teams to make smart decisions that will benefit their rookies’ long-term growth.” The memo also recommended that coaches designate screen-free times for the whole team, such as group dinners or while in bed at the team hotel.
Job Placement Service Helps Students Who Fail Out Of Dad’s Alma Mater Find Work At Dad’s Company #~# BOSTON—Touting its 100 percent success rate, administrators at job placement service Scion Employment Solutions explained to reporters Tuesday that they help students who fail out of their dad’s alma mater find work at their dad’s company. “We have an impeccable track record of assisting students who flunk out of the college their father attended with finding gainful employment in the firm where he now works,” said managing director Sean Claymore, explaining that his agency conducts extensive research across the organization where their client’s father is in upper management and finds a well-compensated junior executive position ideal for someone who quit his father’s alma mater after three semesters. “The success stories are remarkable. Just recently, we took a third-generation Harvard student who failed out before even choosing a major and, within a week, staffed him with a six-figure salary at the banking firm where his dad is a vice president—it turned out that a handful of failed or never completed liberal arts courses was exactly what the company was looking for on a résumé.” Claymore added that every one of their previously assigned clients remain employed in good standing at their dad’s business, as workers who have absolutely no idea what they’re doing are widely considered irreplaceable.
Sustainable Tires Made From Tomato Peels, Eggshells #~# Scientists have found that tomato peels and eggshells can be mixed with rubber to create environmentally friendly tires free of petroleum. What do you think?
Macron Wins French Election #~# Despite a last-minute hacking attack on his campaign, Emmanuel Macron easily defeated Marine Le Pen to win the French presidential election. What do you think?
Sir, I’d Like To Ask For Your Daughter’s Hand Helping Me Move This Couch #~# Thank you so much for coming, Mr. Dugan. You’re no doubt wondering why I asked you here, and, well, there’s a very important matter I’d like to discuss with you man-to-man. As you know, Samantha is an amazing, wonderful woman. I’ve never met anyone quite like her, to be honest, and I know I never will. And that, sir, is why I’d very much like to ask for your daughter’s hand in helping me move my couch.
Dad’s Previously Unheard-Of Friend Dies #~# MISSOULA, MT—Bringing up the name out of the blue for the first time ever, local father John Novak revealed Monday that a previously unheard-of friend of his had died. “I just found out Doug passed away, so I’m gonna be out of town later this week and probably be back on Saturday,” said Novak to his daughter Alisha, who at that very moment was learning her father’s friend not only existed but that the relationship was intimate enough to justify traveling to New Mexico for a funeral. “Your mother may or may not come along. She really didn’t know him back then.” At press time, the conversation had ended with Novak revealing few details about his friend apart from the fact that they once lived together along with another unknown person named Marty, whom Novak said he was actually much closer with.
MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots #~# NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots. “Despite being a long accepted practice among team owners, the MLB executive board has determined that it is unethical and dangerous to perform the invasive act of removing a mascot’s genitals,” said Manfred, responding to public outcry over what many consider to be a cruel surgery, which teams claim makes mascots docile, easy to train, and prevents them from attacking fans. “Mascots are subjected to this gelding as early as their first season with a team, and sadly the procedure is often done without the use of anesthetics. While we need to ensure that mascots can live in close proximity to humans, we believe alternatives like hormone treatments can achieve the same result without resorting to the brutal mutilation of a mascot’s sexual organs.” Manfred expressed hope that the ban would eliminate the last link between the MLB and the horrific early 20th-century practice of using sterilization to remove “inferior” mascots from the gene pool.
Facebook Hires 3,000 Moderators To Screen Violent Videos #~# Facebook announced plans to hire 3,000 more moderators to remove videos of violent crimes from the website more quickly. What do you think?
Australian Parliament Gathers To Discuss Dwindling Hemsworth Reserves #~# CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA—Stressing the need to take urgent action before it’s too late, the Australian Parliament gathered Monday to discuss the nation’s dwindling Hemsworth reserves. “Over the last decade, our nation’s crucial Hemsworth supply has decreased to the point of being nearly depleted,” said The Honorable Stephen Perry, President of the Senate, adding that Australia could not afford to squander its most precious resource and must preserve what little was left for the sake of its children and grandchildren. “I fear we are reaching a precipice from which there is no turning back. We all saw what happened to Sweden’s Skarsgård reserves and what a disaster that was—if we don’t learn from history, the consequences for our nation will be dire indeed.” At press time, the Parliament had voted to freeze all Hemsworth exports, as it might take a generation for the supply to be replenished.
Researchers Using Frog Mucus To Fight Flu Virus #~# Scientists have found that mucus secreted by certain frog species contains peptides capable of killing the flu virus in mice. What do you think?
Greatest Thoroughbred Horses Of All Time #~# With the 143rd running of the Kentucky Derby taking place Saturday, Onion Sports looks back on some of the most notable horses in the history of the sport.
Republican Congressman Terrifies Constituents Even More By Assuring Them He Read Every Part Of Healthcare Bill #~# WASHINGTON—Hours after casting his vote to repeal the Affordable Care Act and replace it with the GOP-authored American Health Care Act, Rep. Justin Amash (R-MI) reportedly terrified his constituents even further Friday by assuring them he had read every word of the newly passed healthcare bill. “I made sure to read the AHCA bill line by line before I went up to the rostrum to vote Yea,” said Amash in a chilling statement, which according to reports caused the blood to drain from the faces of all 700,000 constituents of his Western Michigan district. “After acquainting myself with each of the provisions of this new bill and carefully reviewing every section, I was able to make the [extremely frightening] decision to support it. I think it’s important to be informed on the issues.” At press time, residents of Michigan’s 3rd district were reportedly frozen in fear after Amash stated that he would be displeased if the Senate voted to remove any parts of the bill.
Tips For Not Condemning Millions Of Americans To Sickness And Death #~# As the debate over Obamacare rages on and insurance costs continue to rise, Americans consider how best to improve the country’s healthcare system. Here are the The Onion’s tips for not condemning millions of Americans to sickness and death:
Skilled Sotheby’s Auctioneer Accidentally Sells Self At Auction For $2.5 Million #~# NEW YORK—Realizing too late the grave mistake he had made while absentmindedly running through bids during an estate sale, skilled Sotheby’s auctioneer Malcolm Carpio accidentally sold himself for $2.5 million, sources confirmed Friday. “Oh god, what have I done?” said Carpio, who started the sale of his own person at $800,000 and took multiple bids before declaring the man in the striped shirt sitting at the back the winner. “No, no, no! Cancel that! I am not an item! Please don’t—let go of me!” At press time, Carpio had been dusted off by white-gloved attendants and packed into a crate stamped “Fragile,” and was reportedly en route to Malibu to be displayed in entertainment magnate David Geffen’s private collection.
Study: Humans Were In America 100,000 Years Earlier Than Previously Thought #~# By studying mastodon bones for evidence of human activity, paleontologists have determined humans might have lived in America as early as 130,000 years ago. What do you think?
New Affordable Daycare Sort Of Keeps An Eye On Your Kids #~# NEW ROCHELLE, NY—In an effort to provide vital assistance to lower-income families with working parents, a new, inexpensive daycare center will kind of keep an eye on your kids, sources confirmed Friday. “Parents can rest assured that children at Dandelion Daycare Center will be under at least a degree of adult supervision for much of the day,” said owner Miriam Greene, adding that the affordable nursery school was staffed by fairly qualified workers who will make a good faith effort to linger in the vicinity of the classroom. “We provide lunch most days, typically between noon and four, but your child should be able to clearly state any food allergies they might have, because there’s no way we can keep track of all that. We’ve also got some fun toys for playtime, though we can’t guarantee a staff member will be present in the event your child chokes on a playing piece or that our employee will know what to do even if they happen to be there. But like we always say: At Dandelion Daycare, your kids are probably going to be fine.” Greene later clarified that parents picking up their children might occasionally find them completely unattended if the worker supervising them had to cut out 20 minutes early to get to their second job.
Everything You Need To Know About Cinco De Mayo #~# Each year on May 5, Mexican-Americans celebrate their heritage with parades, festivals, and cultural events. The Onion answers some commonly asked questions about the holiday:
Red Sox Consider Banning Racist Fans #~# After some Boston fans shouted racial slurs at a Baltimore Orioles player, Red Sox management announced they were considering lifetime bans for fans who demonstrate racist conduct. What do you think?
Nation’s Back Alleys Working To Expand Available Services In Anticipation Of Trumpcare Bill Becoming Law #~# WASHINGTON—Preparing for a surge in business from the millions of Americans who could soon be left without access to medical care, the nation’s back alleys were reportedly rushing to expand their services Thursday in anticipation of the American Health Care Act becoming law.
Derek Jeter Fulfills Lifelong Dream Of Starting Business Venture With Jeb Bush #~# TAMPA, FL—Saying that sitting in the same boardroom together still feels completely surreal, former Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter told reporters Thursday that he had finally fulfilled a lifelong dream of starting a business venture with Jeb Bush. “Ever since I was a little kid, all I’ve wanted to do is become equity partners with Mr. Bush,” said the former New York Yankees All-Star, adding that he was first inspired to become a businessman as a child while watching Bush’s entrepreneurial strides in the Latin American banking sphere and his work on his father’s presidential campaigns. “I was only 6 or 7 when Jeb made partner at The Codina Group, but his tireless efforts in securing tenants for commercial developments made me dream of one day recruiting outside investors for our own joint ownership team. I used to stare at the poster of him in my bedroom for hours just imagining us securing a billionaire dollar deal together. I’m still waiting for somebody to wake me up and tell me this is all just a dream.” Jeter also said that the partnership made spending more than two decades working as a professional baseball player completely worth it.
Scientists Claim Solar Energy Will Be Capable Of Powering 95% Of Scorchlands Outposts By 2085 #~# STANFORD, CA—Saying the findings reflected the promise of a sustainable future, Stanford University’s Global Climate and Energy Project issued a report Thursday predicting that solar energy will be able to power 95 percent of Scorchlands outposts by 2085. “Based on current trends in renewables, we estimate that in less than a century, solar power will be able to meet almost all of the energy needs of the warring tribes eking out crude existences in the Scorchlands’ cracked, lifeless landscape,” said climate researcher Eugene Lee, adding that advances in photovoltaic panels meant that even a small solar grid could likely provide outposts with the electricity they need to filter water, heat their rudimentary shacks, and power sustainment pods when noxious dust storms rendered the air lethal to breathe. “Of course, the ashen smoke that will sometimes blot out the sun for days will occasionally require the use of other technologies such as furnaces powered by the cremation of outcasts. But make no mistake, while denizens of the Scorchlands will tend to die young and violently, it is solar power that will enable them to survive at least long enough to participate in a few raids on neighboring clans.” The report also concluded that fuel cell technology will likely advance far enough by 2085 to charge the electrified cages in which criminals will fight to the death for the favor of the Scorchland Lord.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened #~# EDMOND, OK—With only a handful of desktop icons and a grainy image of a man in a suit to go by, students in Mrs. Patchke’s seventh-grade biology class scrambled to piece together their teacher’s home life before her PowerPoint presentation opened and covered the screen, sources reported Thursday. “Whoa! Okay, that had to have been a shot of her husband, but the program launched too quickly to get a good look, not to mention the fact that the picture was also covered in a bunch of random Word docs,” said Kaitlyn Sang, 12, who reportedly had just enough time to ascertain from a minimized iTunes window that her instructor listened to music of some sort. “But where are the kids? Maybe there’s a photo of them, but it’s covered by the calendar window—which I think was on June. Is she planning a vacation? That would make sense because she’ll be on break for the summer. Jesus, we’re just barely scratching the surface here.” At press time, an on-screen alert revealed that a mysterious user named Bruce had signed into Skype, setting off a whole new round of frenzied speculation.
Tolstoy Adaptation Leads 2017 Tony Nominations #~# Based on a section of Leo Tolstoy’s War And Peace, the musical “Natasha, Pierre & The Great Comet Of 1812” will compete for 12 Tony Awards on June 11. What do you think?
Zoo Posting Hourly Updates On Aphid About To Give Birth #~# SAN DIEGO—Excitedly reporting that the big event could happen any time now, the San Diego Zoo began posting hourly updates as one of their aphids prepared to give birth, sources confirmed Thursday. “I know you’ve all been waiting for quite a while, but it won’t be long before we’ll all be congratulating our beloved Suzy and welcoming the newest addition to the San Diego Zoo family!” wrote zoo spokesman Rick Schwartz in a blog entry accompanying their “Suzy Cam” livestream, which allowed millions of viewers across the globe to watch in anticipation as the five-millimeter plant louse crawled up and down a leaf in the tense moments before she would begin viviparously expelling an asexually produced offspring from her rectal aperture. “Thousands of folks have visited us to get a peek at Suzy in her enclosure, waving signs showing their support and even wearing amazing costumes complete with homemade cornicles and pincers—you can see some in our digital scrapbook and upload your own costume photo if you’re wearing one at home. We’d also like to thank the 50,000-plus people who submitted to our baby-naming contest. We’ve whittled it down to the top three, so don’t forget to vote in our online polls!” Hours later, Suzy had reportedly given birth to a healthy 0.2-milligram instar female nymph, melting the hearts of millions of livestream viewers who could not get enough of watching her suckle xylem sap from her stylet. 
Greyhound To Send Chimps On Pioneering Bus Trip From Buffalo To Atlantic City #~# DALLAS—In order to assess the viability of the route for potential travel by human beings, Greyhound officials announced at a press conference Wednesday a mission that will send a pair of chimpanzees on a pioneering 457-mile overland bus trip from Buffalo, NY to Atlantic City, NJ.
Jeff Goldblum Tapped For ‘Jurassic World’ Sequel #~# Actor Jeff Goldblum will reportedly reprise his 1993 role as mathematician Dr. Ian Malcolm in the upcoming Jurassic World sequel. What do you think?
Skip Bayless Signs 1-Day Contract To Be Fired By ESPN #~# BRISTOL, CT—Saying that he could not imagine going out in disgrace anywhere else, Skip Bayless reportedly signed a one-day contract Wednesday to be fired by ESPN. “ESPN is where I got my big break, and I’ve always considered it to be my true home, so I want to thank the network for letting me end my career here with this termination,” said Bayless, who sat next to ESPN president John Skipper while signing the contract consenting to go on a five-minute tirade slamming LeBron James as immature and wildly speculating that multiple NFL players were using performance-enhancing drugs before being summarily fired 24 hours later. “I went on some of my best rants here, and it’s truly a privilege to have one last opportunity to make an indefensible statement and offer a half-hearted apology. I always pictured myself getting fired behind an ESPN desk.” Skipper then praised Bayless after the termination, saying his baseless arguments, high-pitched screaming, and arrogant attitude had helped define ESPN for the last decade.
Report: Uttering Phrase ‘Easy Does It’ Prevents 78% Of Drywall Damage While Moving Furniture #~# BOSTON—Saying there might be no better way to minimize the number of costly gouges and holes, a report released Wednesday by researchers at Boston College found that saying “easy does it” prevents 78 percent of drywall damage while moving furniture. “Whether you’re sliding over a bureau or turning a couch around, our findings clearly indicate that muttering, ‘Whoa, there, easy does it,’ will decrease the likelihood of drywall sustaining damage by almost 80 percent,” said the report’s lead author Molly Nesbit, adding that other utterances such as “watch it, watch it” and “careful now” offered a statistically equivalent measure of protection. “In addition, the data strongly suggests that asking ‘You got it?’ and immediately following that up with ‘You sure you got it?’ not only negates the risk to drywall almost entirely but also radically decreases the likelihood of a doorframe being chipped or a lamp being knocked off a nightstand.” Nesbit went on to say that in instances where a table leg did plunge straight through the drywall, yelling, “I fucking told you to turn it sideways!” would lower the cost of repair by nearly half.
Mom Figures It About Time To Sit Down Adolescent Daughter And Explain How Weight Watchers Points Work #~# BOTHELL, WA—Saying she wanted the 13-year-old to get the right information straight from her, area mom Karen Winston told reporters Wednesday that it was probably about time to sit down with her adolescent daughter and explain how Weight Watchers points work. “I know it’s not the most comfortable thing to talk about with your mom, but she’s gotten to that point in her life where she just needs to know exactly how many points a cereal bar counts as,” said Winston, adding that she wanted to have a frank conversation with her daughter Emma about the four components of SmartPoints so that she could make her own informed choices once she started doing Weight Watchers. “I don’t want her making decisions based on stuff she hears at school or sees online, because I’m worried she’ll get the wrong idea about how to reach her target weight or, God forbid, do something stupid like eyeball her portion sizes instead of measuring them. I really just want to make sure Emma has a positive, healthy attitude about Weight Watchers, because she’ll have to deal with the consequences of the decisions she makes now for the rest of her life.” Winston went on to say that she hoped to avoid the mistake she made with her eldest daughter, Ashley, who never received the Weight Watchers points talk and ended up getting fat at 17.
Woman Still Holding Onto Hope That Toxic Friendship Could Blossom Into A Toxic Relationship #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—Longing for the day their bickering at last grew into something more, local woman Nadia Samuelson told reporters Tuesday that she was still holding onto hope that her toxic friendship with area man Michael Nussbaum could blossom into a toxic relationship. “Even though nothing’s happened yet, I know there’s still a chance he and I will one day go from being mutually destructive friends to romantic partners who will completely undermine each other’s well-being,” said Samuelson, adding that she was confident Nussbaum also felt, deep down, the same desire to take their twisted codependence to the next level. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve really loved being this unhealthy platonic presence in his life, but at a certain point that’s not enough. You want the psychological damage you inflict to be special.” Samuelson went on to say that she could even see herself settling down with Nussbaum and starting a deeply dysfunctional family with kids she’d resent more than anything in the world.
Humpback Whale Deaths Spike On East Coast #~# With 41 of the mammals washing ashore since early 2016, the East Coast is experiencing an unexplained spike in humpback whale deaths. What do you think?
Top 10 Most Popular Podcasts #~# As podcasts gain larger audiences, The Onion highlights some of the industry’s most listened-to shows.
Fitbit Used As Evidence In Murder Trial #~# A Connecticut man has been charged with his wife’s murder after data taken from her Fitbit activity tracker helped contradict his claim that a stranger broke into their home and killed her. What do you think?
Yankees Running For Dear Life After Foul Ball Smashes Into Hornet’s Nest #~# NEW YORK—Frantically scattering in every direction to avoid being stung by the agitated swarm, members of the New York Yankees were running for dear life after a foul ball hit by Blue Jays shortstop Troy Tulowitzki smashed into a hornet’s nest hanging from the outfield wall, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, get away,” left fielder Brett Gardner reportedly shouted before hurling his glove toward the pursuing hornets and sprinting to the safety of the Blue Jays dugout as panicking third baseman Chase Headley wildly swung his cap to keep the wasps at bay. “Guys, I can’t get stung. I’m allergic. Fuck!” At press time, sources confirmed shortstop Starlin Castro had run out of the stadium and was sprinting down Jerome Avenue.
Elon Musk Launches Underground Roadway Company #~# SpaceX and Tesla CEO Elon Musk has revealed a new tunneling venture known as The Boring Company, with the goal of creating underground networks of roads to alleviate traffic congestion. What do you think?
Man Not Going To Let Mind Games Of Ex-Girlfriend’s Natural Moving-On Process Get In His Head #~# NEW YORK—Saying her manipulative tactics weren’t going to faze him one bit, local man Brett Snyder told reporters Tuesday that he wasn’t about to let the mind games of his ex-girlfriend’s natural moving-on process mess with his head. “I can see right through Lindsay’s tricks, and I know this display of slowly getting over our relationship over a period of weeks and months is just her way of trying to get to me,” said Snyder, 28, adding that “her plan totally backfired” if former girlfriend Lindsay Mendez thought gradually reconnecting with long-neglected friends in her newfound free time was going to make him crazy. “She’s doing this whole big production of emotionally moving on bit by bit and eventually dipping her toes into casual dating when it finally feels right just to get a rise out of me. But I’m not taking the bait. In fact, I kind of feel sorry for her.” At press time, Mendez had posted a picture from her bachelorette party, and Snyder could only shake his head at the lengths she would go to just to get under his skin.
New Roommate Excited To Bring Robust Puttering Experience To Apartment #~# AUSTIN, TX—Saying he had spent several years at prior residences becoming proficient in doing nothing in particular, roommate Philip Page told reporters Tuesday that he was excited to bring his robust puttering experience to his new apartment. “Whether it’s wandering between my bedroom and the kitchen to get snacks, or pacing up and down the hallways while mindlessly scrolling through my phone, I’m looking forward to using the puttering techniques I’ve acquired from my last three living situations,” said Page, 26, adding that he would be ready from day one to just kind of hang out in the living room while waiting for a food delivery or watch half of a TV show episode before abandoning it completely to call his parents. “Maybe I’ll even poke my head into one of my new housemate’s rooms and ask them what’s up while I’m procrastinating going to the gym. I mean, I’ve spent entire days puttering, so I’m definitely ready to hit the ground running.” Page went on to say that he planned to continue building on his puttering skills and explore new types of aimlessly fiddling around, especially since he’ll now have a balcony and in-unit laundry area to work with.
NASA Running Out Of Spacesuits #~# With only 11 Extravehicular Mobility Unit spacesuits left, and without funding to replace them, NASA is in danger of having too few suits to continue routine missions. What do you think?
Subway Drops Jared Fogle As Spokesperson #~# MILFORD, CT—Claiming that his actions no longer reflect the company’s values, fast food restaurant chain Subway announced Monday that it has dropped convicted pedophile Jared Fogle as its corporate spokesperson. “After careful consideration of the allegations against him, we have determined that it is in everyone’s best interests for Subway to part ways with Jared,” the company’s public relations manager Kyle Bertram told reporters, adding that Fogle, who was incarcerated in 2015 after pleading guilty to having sex with a minor, as well as possessing and distributing child pornography, would be removed from all advertisements and taken off the company’s payroll, effective immediately. “While the decision to end our 17-year relationship with Jared was not an easy one, we ultimately feel that his legal troubles preclude him from continuing to serve as the face of Subway. Nonetheless, we thank him for his years of service.” Bertram added that although Fogle will no longer appear in Subway commercials and other promotional materials, the company would consider reinstating him as its spokesperson after Fogle concludes his prison sentence in 2029.
Patriots Draft Pat Patriot’s Successor With Third-Round Pick Of Sophomore LSU Mascot #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a bold move to usher the franchise into the future, the New England Patriots reportedly drafted Pat Patriot’s successor Monday by using a third-round pick, 72nd overall, to select sophomore LSU mascot Mike the Tiger.
Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area #~# INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday. According to sources, after thoroughly studying the towel’s front all the way down to the area by the tag, Muirsky explored the reverse side only to find that it too had been moistened by one or more previous bathroom users. Hopeful that no one had thought to venture beyond the towel’s exposed surfaces, Muirsky then reportedly peered within its inner flaps but discovered to her dismay that, even in that typically unexplored area, there was not a usable portion of dry cloth. At press time, Muirsky had given up and used the sleeve of her host’s bathrobe.
God Completely Fucked Up After Huffing Gaseous Planet #~# THE HEAVENS—Having inhaled nearly every molecule of the thick green atmosphere, God, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was totally fucked up after huffing a gaseous planet. “Whoa, mama—what the hell was in that thing?” the Lord said, stumbling backwards into the planet’s moons and coughing violently after He had enveloped the celestial body in an immense paper bag and sucked in its churning storm systems in a single breath. “Methane and sulfur for sure, but I’ve huffed Venus a bunch of times before and never got the spins like this. Fuck me, I am wasted.” After vomiting into a black hole and passing out for six hours with a solar system pinned awkwardly under His lower back, the Almighty, suffering from a throbbing headache, vowed that going forward He would stick to getting high by snorting comet tails.
Amazon Camera Offers Personalized Fashion Advice #~# Amazon has announced Echo Look, a $200 device that uses machine learning and “advice from fashion specialists” to offer critiques and suggestions about a person’s wardrobe. What do you think?
United Airlines Offering Immigrants Special Flights That Circle U.S. Awaiting Gaps In Travel Ban #~# CHICAGO—In response to the executive order restricting entry to the United States from six majority-Muslim nations, United Airlines announced Friday that the carrier will offer immigrants and refugees special flights that continuously circle the country until gaps in the travel ban allow them to land. “We’re excited to offer numerous daily flights from Syria, Libya, Iran, Yemen, Somalia, and Sudan to a perpetual holding pattern above the Atlantic Ocean, where international travelers can enjoy a relaxing journey while waiting for a federal court to temporarily suspend the ban,” said United spokesman Karen Jennings, adding that customers attempting to flee their war-torn native countries or just visit their American relatives will be offered onboard meals and a wide array of in-flight entertainment options throughout the voyage up and down the eastern coastline, which may last anywhere from one week to several years depending on the specific terms of the legal challenge to the executive order. “Rest assured, our pilots will be in constant radio contact to keep passengers updated on the appeals process, and each aircraft will stay within 60 miles of a major airport at all times to take advantage of any temporary restraining order with a quick landing.” United officials added that complimentary Wi-Fi would be available for the first month of the flight, but that passengers who wish to continue using the service will be charged $7.99 for each additional hour.
Employees From Other Department Announce Plan To Ramble On About Fucking Nothing Right Next To Your Desk #~# SEATTLE—Declaring their intention to prevent you from getting any work done whatsoever, employees from another department announced plans Friday to ramble on about fucking nothing right next to your desk. “We intend to loiter directly adjacent to where you sit and loudly discuss some stupid bullshit while you’re trying to get something accomplished,” said the coworkers who, despite having their own desks in an entirely different section of your office, specifically chose the spot four feet away from your workspace to share idiotic observations about the most boring topics imaginable. “Furthermore, once it seems like our moronic exchange is about to come to its merciful end and allow you to finally concentrate on your work again, someone new will walk by, at which point we’ll essentially repeat the excruciatingly pointless conversation we just had. We’ll also make sure that at least one of us is loud enough to cut through the volume on your headphones, so there’s absolutely no way you can fully disengage from our inane chitchat.” The employees from another department went on to say that if you interrupt them with a remark that actually pertains to work, they intend to look at you like you’re some kind of asshole and awkwardly distance themselves. 
History Of The Tour De France #~# Race first conceived after Maurice Garin wakes up from 23-day amphetamine bender to find himself on other side of country 
Red Hot Chili Peppers Accidentally Write Song About New Hampshire #~# LOS ANGELES—Unexpectedly penning lyrics about colorful autumn foliage and summer cottages on the shores of Lake Winnipesaukee, alternative rock band Red Hot Chili Peppers accidentally wrote a song about New Hampshire, sources reported Friday. “We just got into the studio and started jamming, and for whatever reason, we just ended up with this track about the Granite State,” said lead singer Anthony Kiedis, adding that he had no idea he and his bandmates had anything say about the pumpkin festival in Laconia “until we grooved on it a while.” “It’s definitely not the direction we intended to go in, but Flea started slapping this funky bass line that got everyone thinking about the pristine waters of the Piscataqua River. Before I knew it, I’d already freestyled two verses about how freaky it is that the state doesn’t have a sales tax.” At press time, the band had unintentionally recorded an entire double-length New England–themed concept album.
Irish Teen Who Sought Abortion Put In Mental Hospital #~# An Irish teen was forcibly committed after seeking an abortion, only to be released four days later upon determining she did not have a psychological disorder. What do you think?
Camp Counselor Assigning Kids To Horses Like Wise Town Matchmaker Presiding Over Marriage #~# POLAND, ME—Studying the youngsters in front of the stable as if she alone possessed the insight into who belonged with whom, Rockbrook Camp counselor Melissa Burke, 19, reportedly assigned kids to horses in a beginner horseback riding class Thursday like a sage town matchmaker presiding over marriage arrangements. “Sarah, I think Nutmeg would be perfect for you—he’s a nice, kind horse,” said Burke, who skillfully paired the 11- and 12-year-olds with horses by character and temperament as if they were village sons and daughters for whom she was shrewdly brokering a wedding dowry. “Oh, and Alicia? You should be with Cookie. He’s a little anxious, but I bet you’ll be able to calm him down just fine.” At press time, Burke was guiding a shy camper toward a rambunctious horse named Shadow as though she were a naïve maiden being pressured into wedding the town’s most drunken and irritable landowner.
Study: Dogs, Wolves Understand Concept Of Fairness #~# Researchers have found that dogs and wolves can recognize when they’re being treated unfairly, and will stop listening to their trainers if so. What do you think?
Theoretical Scientists Gather For 35th Annual Symposium To Try To Determine How Gas Nozzle Knows When Tank Is Full #~# PASADENA, CA—In hopes of better understanding a phenomenon that has vexed researchers for decades, hundreds of theoretical scientists have assembled at the California Institute of Technology for the 35th annual symposium on how gas nozzles know when a car’s tank is full, sources said Thursday.
How Smart Technology Is Changing Homes #~# Wi-Fi-enabled light bulbs let you set mood with 99.9% accuracy
The iPhone Turns 10 #~# A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:
Harley-Davidson Releases New Motorcycle Designed For Men #~# MILWAUKEE—Calling it a huge opportunity to tap into a market that has traditionally been neglected by motorcycle manufacturers, Harley-Davidson announced Thursday a new line of motorcycles designed specifically for men. “Everything about our original line of motorcycles, including our elegant filigree logo, was created with women in mind, but it’s 2017, and there’s no reason not to have a bike for the guys as well,” said CEO Matthew Levatich, adding that while men often admire the performance of a Harley-Davidson motorcycle, they generally can’t imagine actually owning something so frilly and feminine themselves. “We were hesitant because the name ‘Harley-Davidson’ is so synonymous with women that any rebrand seemed impossible, but when men get a look at this Harley—in black or silver, not hot pink—they’re going to want to get their hands on one, the same way the ladies have since we were founded in 1903.” At press time, the new bikes were reportedly selling poorly, as many men found the idea of a Harley specifically aimed at them deeply patronizing.
Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else #~# DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else. “If they take, like, a four- or five-run lead, I’ll finally be able to turn this thing off and get some fresh air,” said Neubauer, adding that he was reluctant to abandon the game before he was certain the outcome was locked up and that he would not miss anything. “I’m rooting for the Rockies, but frankly I really don’t care as long as one of them pulls ahead and I can get some work done. I’ve also got to run a few errands, but that’ll never happen if this thing stays close.” At press time, the game had finally become lopsided enough for Neubauer to turn it off and look for another game to watch.
Housefly Fondly Recalls Losing Virginity On Rotting Pile Of Ground Beef #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Saying the fetid stench of spoiled meat perfectly set the mood for romance, local housefly Tztsz on Wednesday fondly recalled losing his virginity on a decomposing pile of ground beef. “It was such a wonderful experience—we found this nice slimy clump of discolored beef rotting in an open trash can and made sweet love,” said Tztsz, adding that the putrefied wad of ground chuck was a popular spot where several hundred of his buddies also had sex for the first time. “I didn’t even expect Zztzzz and I to go all the way that night, but the moonlight shined so beautifully on the gray, festering meat that I guess we couldn’t help ourselves. The next thing I knew, she was putting her ovipositor into my genital opening. Well, you never forget where you lost your virginity, and I’m glad I lost mine on that lump of putrid flesh that had been sitting outside for days.” Tztsz went on to say that he’d always have a cherished memory even if he never had sex again in the three remaining weeks of his lifespan.
Colorado Group Trying To Ban Preteen Smartphone Sales #~# A group called Parents Against Underage Smartphones is trying to advance a ballot measure banning the sale of smartphones to anyone under age 13. What do you think?
Lonely Elementary Schooler Already Crushing Library’s Summer Reading Program #~# MORGAN HILL, CA—Having blown through nearly half the titles on the 20-book list in less than two weeks, chronically lonely fourth-grader Logan Parata is currently crushing the Santa Clara County Library’s summer reading program, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Man Running Toward Departing Train Must Have Finally Realized He Loves Her #~# CHICAGO—Sprinting down the platform and frantically waving his arms, local man Dustin Sayer was reportedly running toward a departing train Wednesday because he must have finally realized he loves her. “Wow, he’s probably rushing to get to that train because he truly knows how much he needs her now, and it’ll be too late to tell her once it pulls away,” said commuter Lauren Greene, adding that she couldn’t help but be moved by the way the panicked man pushed through the crowd presumably to tell the girl of his dreams that he’ll never, ever leave her side again. “She must mean everything to him, judging by the way he’s banging on the doors and shouting at the train conductor to let him inside. I guess I’d be cursing up a storm too if I had just one chance to undo the biggest mistake of my life.” At press time, Sayer was screaming in rage as the train disappeared down the tracks, but onlookers said he’d be smiling the moment he realized she never even got on that train because she loved him just as much.
Barber Not Even Excited Anymore By Bringing Home Free Bags Of Hair At End Of Day #~# CINCINNATI—Surprised to discover that the once-beloved job perk had lost its appeal over the years, local barber Mike Grossman told reporters Tuesday that he was no longer even that excited by bringing home free bags of hair at the end of the day. “Walking through my front door with huge garbage bags of trimmings that I’d swept up from the shop floor used to be the best part of my work,” said Grossman, adding that when he first started at Pete’s Barbershop, his children would come running to meet him the moment he got home and would immediately start digging through the bags for clumps of their favorite types of hair. “Curly red hair, wavy blond, wisps of salt-and-pepper—I can get as much as I want without spending a penny. The savings are great, but after a while, you kind of get sick of having all that hair around the house. These days, my wife or I just end up throwing half of it out.” Grossman later confirmed that he now leaves the bags of hair on the curb outside the barbershop in case homeless people want them.
200 Million Voters’ Data Leaked Online #~# A GOP analytics firm inadvertently exposed personal information from 200 million registered American voters, encompassing nearly every voter in the country. What do you think?
Secretary Of Interior Announces $400 Million Initiative To Preserve Self For Future Generations To Enjoy #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to safeguard the treasured official against further weathering, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke announced a $400 million initiative Tuesday to preserve himself for future generations to enjoy. “This measure is a crucial step toward ensuring that our children and our children’s children are not forced to live in a world where they cannot bask in the natural beauty and breathtaking splendor of me,” said Zinke, adding that it would be “a national tragedy” if people as soon as a few decades from now were deprived of his majestic blue eyes. “From shoring up my rapidly diminishing hair reserves to reinforcing the cracks and faults that have developed across my face and body, the funding will help protect this great Cabinet official for many, many years. Without the proper care, I could very soon deteriorate to the point where our country is left with no Ryan Zinke at all—and how will we explain that to our grandkids?” Zinke went on to say it would be a grave injustice if the closest future generations ever got to his spectacular grandeur were a mere archived photo from the Interior Department website.
Study Finds Only 1 In 3 Lasik Surgeries End In Laser Boring Through Eye, Incinerating Brain, Shooting Through Skull On Other Side #~# CHICAGO—Assuaging concerns about the safety of the corrective eye treatment, a study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association found that only 1 in 3 Lasik surgeries end in the laser boring through the eyes, incinerating the brain, and shooting through the skull on the other side. “Our research found that the fears of people considering a Lasik procedure were generally exaggerated, with only one-third experiencing a searing beam of light that drills through their eyeball, reduces their brain to cinders, and then bursts through the back of their head,” said lead author Dr. Roger Cardenas, noting that apprehensions about the likelihood of having the contents of one’s brain instantly vaporized often overshadowed the fact that roughly 66 percent of patients who underwent Lasik enjoyed greatly improved vision. “This isn’t to say there is no risk, however, and people should weigh the benefits of never again having to wear glasses or contacts against the possibility that the laser will puncture their retina, liquify all their cerebral matter, explode through their head, and continue straight through the wall behind them.” Cardenas also clarified that Lasik surgery was different from cataract surgery, which uses suction to remove the clouded-over lens and which vacuums up both eyes and the nose nearly half the time.
Lead Found In 20% Of Baby Food #~# A study found that 20 percent of baby foods contain traces of lead, with grape juice, apple juice, and carrots being the worst offenders. What do you think?
New Gallup Poll Finds 40% Of Americans Probably Going To Skip Michelle’s Party #~# WASHINGTON—Suggesting a modest overall turnout by the populace, a new Gallup poll released Monday found that 40 percent of Americans were probably going to skip Michelle’s party. “When asked if they were going to stop by Michelle’s later, four in 10 citizens said they either had no plans to go or had thought about going but probably wouldn’t in the end,” said lead researcher Stephanie Piehl, adding that nearly half of those who said they would not attend, including the majority of respondents in Alaska and Hawaii, attributed their decision to how far out of the way Michelle’s apartment is and the fact that her last party kind of sucked. “Additionally, 13 percent said they had other things to do, 6 percent cited the high cost of a Lyft to her place, and 2 percent said things were a little awkward between them and Michelle right now. Interestingly, however, many of those who said that they would not turn up at Michelle’s party indicated that they might change their mind if Bethany was going, too.” At press time, 192,000,000 guests had shown up at Michelle’s place, though many said they had swung by for just one drink.
20 Years Of Harry Potter #~# J.K. Rowling published Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.
Neighbor Arriving Home At Same Time Offers Brief, Beguiling Glimpse Inside Apartment #~# CHICAGO—Gathering as much information on the residence as she could during the fleeting window of opportunity, local woman Kerry Egan was offered a brief, beguiling glimpse of the inside of the next-door apartment Monday upon arriving home at the same time as her neighbor. “Whoa, so that’s what her place looks like,” said Egan, discreetly peeking in through the tantalizing 2-foot-wide gap in the doorway as she unlocked her own door. “It kind of resembles my apartment—same general L shape, I think—but I can’t tell if it’s a little smaller or if it just seems that way because they have more furniture than I do. Man, that is a huge TV. That rug’s really nice, too. I wonder where she got it?” At press time, Egan’s own open door momentarily offered her neighbor an enticing glance at the dog that keeps her up all fucking night. 
New App Sends Dating Profile Straight To Friends, Coworkers To Laugh At Without Ever Connecting Users To Each Other #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Utilizing personal contact information to create a uniquely demeaning interactive experience, a new app unveiled Friday reportedly sends dating profiles straight to friends and coworkers to mock without ever connecting users to each other. “We are proud to debut Humiliatr, a one-of-a-kind dating app that allows you to fill out a comprehensive profile that is then sent directly to most of the people you know, specifically so they can ridicule it,” said the app’s lead developer, Phillip Duncan, explaining that the software seamlessly emails the user’s obviously unrepresentative photos and pathetic biographical statements to confidants and casual acquaintances alike, providing them with an opportunity for a good laugh without enabling the user to actually meet a potential romantic partner. “Everyone in your social circle, including people who have met you only a few times or know you entirely through social media, will get full access to your utterly mortifying list of musical tastes, favorite quotes, and hobbies. We also send notifications to your contacts whenever you update your profile, so they can stay informed while cackling at your pitiful attempts to increase your match potential.” Duncan later confirmed that the app will also pull information from any existing online dating profiles and send it out without the user’s knowledge or consent.
China Censors Gay Kiss In ‘Alien: Covenant’ #~# The Chinese release of “Alien: Covenant” reportedly omits a gay kiss scene, along with the majority of the movie’s violence and even appearances by its aliens. What do you think?
Versatile Game Table Can Be Easily Converted To Play Small, Shitty Version Of Pool, Air Hockey, Foosball #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Citing the poor quality of both the design and craftsmanship, members of the Hunter family told reporters Friday that the home’s versatile game table could be easily converted to play small, shitty versions of pool, air hockey, and foosball. “Right now it’s a tiny, cramped foosball table, but if you want to play air hockey on a chintzy rink that doesn’t blow any air at all, then all you have to do is just flip it right over,” said Jeffrey Hunter, 14, noting that the miserable excuse for an air hockey table came equipped with two strikers too small to grip properly and a single puck the size of a casino chip. “It’s got a cheap pool table component that comes with 18-inch billiard cues and shitty miniature balls that are impossible to hit accurately, so you can also play a game that barely resembles pool. This table’s got whatever you might want to play for two minutes before getting completely frustrated and stopping.” At press time, the table’s foosball component had reportedly become even shittier after the missing soccer ball was replaced with the eight ball.
Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy #~# Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
Rookie USDA Agent Vomits After Seeing First Rotten Orange #~# WASHINGTON—Unable to contain his nausea at the horrifying scene before him, rookie USDA agent Michael Dunn vomited Friday after seeing his first rotten orange. “As soon as the kid caught a glimpse of that produce lying there decomposing, he turned away, hunched over, and started throwing up like crazy,” said supervisor Carl Webster, adding that it was not uncommon for brand-new agents to react in such a manner when suddenly confronted with a putrefying, fly-covered rind. “He’ll get past it, though—you build up your tolerance after a while. The key is to not let it faze you but also never forget that this rotting pulp was once a sweet, delicious part of someone’s fruit bowl or lunchbox.” At press time, Dunn had steeled himself and looked at the orange once more, but was vomiting again before he could make it back to the car.
Atari Announces Mysterious New Console #~# Classic video game company Atari has announced it’s making a new console, fueling speculation about whether it will be a retro novelty or a modern system. What do you think?
Chipotle Mayo Doing All The Heavy Lifting In Sandwich #~# STERLING, CO—Saying the condiment was really putting the rest of the team on its back, area man Kevin Bentley confirmed Thursday that the chipotle mayo was doing all the heavy lifting in his sandwich. “Looks like this mayo is going to have to carry us across the finish line, because there’s absolutely nothing else on this sandwich that has anything going for it,” said Bentley, explaining that the spicy southwestern spread would, as usual, have to lead the charge since the roast turkey had zero to contribute, and the shredded lettuce was essentially dead weight. “The soggy tomato sure as hell isn’t helping, and that single slice of swiss cheese might as well have not shown up today. The bread should be pitching in a lot more, but it’s just sitting there like it knows the chipotle mayo is going to bail it out eventually—which it will, of course, just like always.” At press time, realizing that even chipotle mayo couldn’t prop up every sandwich on its own indefinitely, Bentley tried easing its burden by adding some crushed potato chips. 
Michael Phelps To Race Shark #~# Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps will race against a great white shark for a TV special as part of Discovery’s annual Shark Week event in July. What do you think?
Pope Francis Buys Knockoff Chalice At Store In Vatican City Chinatown #~# VATICAN CITY—Praising the district’s vast selection of inexpensive goods and its vendors’ willingness to negotiate prices, Pope Francis reportedly spent Thursday afternoon strolling through Vatican City’s Chinatown before purchasing a knockoff golden chalice.
Top Prospects Of The 2017 NBA Draft #~# Landing with his hometown Lakers would make it easier for his father to explain attending every game
Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It #~# ‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO
Supreme Court Defends Disparaging Trademarks #~# Ruling unanimously in favor of an Asian-American band calling themselves The Slants, the Supreme Court struck down a ban on trademarking offensive names. What do you think?
Top Family Vacation Spots #~# With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
Fourth-Grade Teacher Receives Dark Portent Of Coming Storm From Gnarled, Haggard Third-Grade Teacher #~# WAVERLY, NE—Listening as the haggard messenger spoke of ominous clouds upon the horizon, local fourth-grade teacher Myra Helms received a dark portent of a gathering storm from pale and bedraggled third-grade teacher Beverly Milfay, sources confirmed Thursday. “Hearken to my words! The unspeakable malevolence that befell me will soon descend upon you—a woeful tempest tears through Meadowlark Elementary, leaving nothing but misery and ruination in its path,” said Milfay, a shudder passing through her weary, sallow countenance as she spoke of a classroom disrupted by rampant misbehavior and screeching voices “unconstrained by any empty commandment to raise one’s hand.” “Beware foremost the one who calls himself Trevor, he of the wavy brown hair and shark-tooth necklace. The others follow his lead, and if his mockery is loosed upon you, your doom will be sealed by the multitude. Heed my warning or suffer an entire year!” The third-grade teacher also exhorted her colleague against any interaction with “the one known as Bradley,” who if called upon to read aloud will grow nervous and “swiftly desecrate his garments with urine.”
Katy Perry Surpasses 100 Million Twitter Followers #~# Becoming the first person in Twitter history to reach the milestone, pop star Katy Perry has accumulated more than 100 million followers on the site. What do you think?
Trump Accidentally Records Over Comey Meeting Tape With Idea For Candy Hotel #~# WASHINGTON—Brainstorming the wondrous features and amenities as they came to him in a flash of inspiration, President Donald Trump on Wednesday accidentally recorded over the tape containing his meetings with fired FBI Director James Comey with an idea for a candy hotel. “There could be a revolving door made out of peppermint swirl, and then you walk in, and there’s a giant lobby with chocolate fountains, peanut brittle columns, and beautiful rock candy chandeliers,” said Trump into a handheld cassette recorder, replacing over 90 minutes of crucially important conversations that could be used as key evidence in determining whether obstruction of justice occurred with musings about a gumdrop garden and olympic-sized pudding pool. “The ballroom could have a hard caramel floor with ornate wall designs carved into stucco made from nougat, and then red taffy curtains and a Jolly Rancher piano—oh, and all the beds would be made out of marshmallow, and the sheets could be cotton candy.” After realizing his mistake, Trump reportedly became paranoid that if the FBI got access to the tapes, they could steal his idea.
Robed Mark Warner Infiltrates Secret Torchlit AHCA Ceremony Deep In Woods Behind Capitol #~# WASHINGTON—Staring in horror at the profane legislative ritual taking place around him, a robed Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA) reportedly infiltrated congressional Republicans’ secret, torchlit American Health Care Act ceremony deep in the woods behind the U.S. Capitol late Tuesday night. “I heard this eerie chanting as I left my office, and when I followed the sound I saw a line of GOP senators in long, flowing vestments being led into the forest by Mitch McConnell,” said Warner, explaining that he quickly donned an extra robe he found behind a tree and then quietly fell in formation at the rear of the column of conservative lawmakers in hopes of catching a glimpse of their mysterious health policy deliberations. “Eventually we reached a clearing where the senators started dancing around a bonfire while repeating in unison the list of all preexisting conditions that would no longer be covered under the new law. And all the while, McConnell kept exalting the name of the AHCA, praising it as the ‘great upper-class tax cutter’ and ‘slayer of Medicaid’ while waving the pages of the draft bill overhead. It was terrifying.” Warner added that he had to place his hand over his mouth to keep from screaming during the ceremony’s conclusion when Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH) and Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) reportedly dragged out a bound and gagged low-income woman on birth control and threw her onto the bonfire as a sacrifice to the legislation.
Chuck E. Cheese Keyboardist Quits Band To Form Mr. Munch Experience #~# EDISON, NJ—Citing creative differences that had been festering for at least a decade, Chuck E. Cheese keyboardist Mr. Munch confirmed Wednesday that he had left the band to form a new prog-rock outfit, The Mr. Munch Experience.
Top Benefits Of Going Paperless #~# Far fewer moments where you must say the word “ream” 
Pier 1 Imports Unveils New Self-Defense Vase For Smashing Onto Head Of Home Invader #~# FT. WORTH, TX—Calling it the ideal accent piece for safeguarding one’s property, Pier 1 Imports unveiled Wednesday a new self-defense vase for smashing on the head of a home invader. “This new dappled blue vase with a gloss finish is designed to shatter upon contact with the skull of any intruder that tries to break into your home,” said spokeswoman Madeline Newland, explaining that it was the perfect decor item for an end table near the front door, bedroom window, or any other area of the house where someone might attempt to illegally enter. “The narrow design makes it easy to grip even with trembling hands, and the sturdy 3-pound body is certain to incapacitate even the brawniest of trespassers—there’s no need to sacrifice elegant design and craftsmanship to protect your family from a robber or potential murderer.” Newland added that the Etruscan-inspired vase is an excellent accompaniment to the Pasha heirloom security runner that can be used to roll up the intruder’s body once his head has been bashed in.
Sessions Drops Pile Of Weapons In Prison Yard Before Ordering Inmates To Reduce Overcrowding By 30% #~# ATMORE, AL—Telling the prison’s roughly 1,000 men that “today’s your lucky day,” Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly dropped a pile of weapons in Holman Correctional Facility’s main yard Wednesday before ordering inmates to reduce overcrowding by 30 percent. “Here’s the situation—we only got room for 700, so all I’m gonna say is this: get it done,” Sessions barked into a bullhorn as a group of subordinates spilled an assortment of melee weapons including knives, lead pipes, heavy chains, and sharpened hand tools onto the cement basketball court. “I don’t care who does what or how you go about it. But going forward, if you want to be part of the Holman population, I suggest you energetically take part in today’s exercise.” Sessions went on to say that nonviolent offenders would likely be at a disadvantage but, if they were lucky, might find the single gun he placed in the pile.
Woman Convicted For Urging Boyfriend’s Suicide #~# A Massachusetts woman who urged her boyfriend to kill himself was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter in connection with his suicide. What do you think?
Amazon Buys Whole Foods For $13.7 Billion #~# In the online retail giant’s latest expansion, Amazon has purchased organic grocery chain Whole Foods for $13.7 billion. What do you think?
I Believe My Experience Working On Films Such As ‘Seven,’ ‘Ocean’s Eleven,’ and ‘World War Z’ Would Make Me A Valuable Asset To Your Next Action Movie #~# To become box office hits, today’s motion pictures require dedicated, hardworking actors with the talent and know-how required to execute a quality performance on screen. While I know you have many good candidates to choose from when casting your production, I believe my experience working on films such as Seven, Ocean’s Eleven, and World War Z would make me an excellent addition to your next action feature.
Panicking Mitch McConnell Shoves Entire Senate Healthcare Bill Into Mouth As Democrat Walks Past #~# WASHINGTON—Quickly crumpling up all 500 pages of the legislation upon hearing footsteps in the hallway, sources reported Tuesday that a panicked Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell shoved the entire Senate healthcare bill in his mouth as a Democratic senator walked past. According to witnesses, McConnell became visibly flustered upon realizing there was no place to hide from the Democratic colleague approaching his doorway and began ripping wads of documents from a binder and cramming them through his open jaws as rapidly as possible. Asked about the location of an upcoming meeting, McConnell, cheeks distended to many times their original size, reportedly grunted several times and gestured toward a nearby conference room. At press time, McConnell had spit out the massive clump of saliva-coated, half-chewed papers, which, while largely illegible, would reportedly insure 10 million more people than the original.
Beyonce Gives Birth To Twins #~# Beyonce gave birth to twins this weekend, releasing a joint statement with Jay Z that read in part, “We are incredibly grateful that our family will be growing by two.” What do you think?
Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday. “I’ve been counting down the hours until Victor came back, and here he is at last!” said local food vendor Anwar Ahmadzai, one of the many familiar faces the young soldier had not seen for the 14 months he was overseas in the U.S. “There were some people who worried we might not ever see him again, but I never doubted this day would come, not for one minute. Now he just needs some time to relax and start settling back into his old life.” Wiping a tear from his eye, Ahmadzai added that he hoped Rosas would stay much longer than he did last time.
OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule #~# WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule. “As you can see on the ultrasound, your baby is getting great extension on its serve, and if you look closely you can even spot the beginning of a little topspin,” said Umbers, who noted that only a few weeks ago Williams’ child had developed the ability to loosely form a western forehand grip. “Your baby’s pinpoint stance is exactly where you want it to be at 24 weeks. Pretty soon it will be able to generate more power for aggressive serves, and you might even be able to feel its follow-through in the next few days.” According to sources, Williams has chosen to wait until the birth to learn whether her child is a baseline or serve-and-volley player.
Embarrassed Library Of Congress Can’t Believe Some Of The Albums It Used To Be Into #~# WASHINGTON—Mortified that the recordings had ever been part of its collection, embarrassed officials at the Library of Congress expressed disbelief on Monday at some of the albums the 217-year-old cultural institution used to be into. “Oh my God—the Harvard Glee Club, the Eagles, Al Jolson—what the hell were we thinking?” said Librarian of Congress Dr. Carla Hayden, cringing at a box of Jimmie Rodgers’ 1930s yodeling records that “probably seemed a lot cooler at the time.” “Don’t get me wrong; Ella Fitzgerald, Neil Armstrong’s recorded words from the moon, the Velvet Underground—all that’s still good, but boy, some of this just does not hold up. I think I’ve listened to the Frank Zappa stuff and Calvin Coolidge’s inauguration maybe twice.” Sources later confirmed seeing trucks unloading several thousand boxes outside a nearby used record store.
ABC On Trial For Defaming Beef #~# Beef Products Inc. is suing ABC over news reports where the network used the term “pink slime” to refer to BPI’s lean finely textured beef product. What do you think?
God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S. #~# THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday. “At approximately 0700 hours today, 100 units of our finest mosquitoes were dispatched to augment the 20,000,000 already positioned across the country as part of our large-scale summer offensive,” said the Creator of All Things, explaining that the deployments were concentrated in highly contested combat zones such as Atlanta, Chicago, and Washington, D.C., which had already sustained significant losses due to U.S. citronella defenses and propane insect foggers. “These mosquitoes are fresh out of the pupa stage and ready to fight. They’ll focus on occupying beaches throughout the Eastern Seaboard, Great Lakes region, and the South, holding off any counteroffensive until the heat and humidity arriving later this summer create more favorable conditions for the next stage of the invasion.” The Lord also announced plans to ramp up His use of biological warfare, as thousands of the newly stationed mosquitoes had been equipped with pathogens carrying malaria, West Nile, and the Zika virus.
Stephen A. Smith Reveals He Still Meets Up With Skip Bayless To Argue #~# BRISTOL, CT—Saying that their combative, antagonistic relationship remains as strong as ever, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith revealed to reporters Monday that he still meets up with his former First Take co-host Skip Bayless to argue. “Even though we don’t work together anymore, Skip and I like to occasionally get together and yell our misinformed, conflicting opinions over one another,” said Smith, adding that the two try to hang out one or two times a month to work themselves into a frenzy squabbling about some of their favorite topics like Tim Tebow, domestic violence, and which NFL quarterbacks are truly elite. “If our schedules don’t allow us to argue in person, we’ll hop on the phone to really lay into how we each think the other one is defending the stupidest possible take. It’s always great to swap insults with Skip, and it certainly brings back a lot of great memories.” Smith then told reporters that Bayless will always occupy a special place in his heart, adding that he could not see himself ever getting as worked up over stupid bullshit with new co-host Max Kellerman.
New Study Finds No Long-Term Health Benefits #~# PRINCETON, NJ—In the most comprehensive research of its kind, a new study released Monday by Princeton University found no long-term health benefits. “Flying in the face of conventional wisdom, our results clearly show no lasting positive impact on overall health,” said lead author Michelle Kessler, adding that the data also clearly points toward no enduring improvement in longevity, stamina, or the ability to sleep. “In fact, across all demographic groups, we not only discovered no sustained increase in overall wellness, but also indications that the adverse effects may in fact greatly outweigh the advantages.” Kessler went on to say that even the short-term benefits might be wildly exaggerated themselves. 
‘Bachelor’ Production Halted Over Sexual Misconduct #~# Filming of ABC’s “Bachelor In Paradise” has been suspended while the network investigates an unspecified case of sexual “misconduct” on set. What do you think?
How To Make Cooking At Home Less Stressful #~# Let your kids know upfront that 7:30 is a soft deadline for dinner.
Officials Charged Over Flint Water Crisis #~# Several Michigan officials have been charged with involuntary manslaughter for their role in a deadly Legionnaires’ disease outbreak during the Flint water crisis. What do you think?
WWE Staff Forced To Shoot Aggressive Wrestler After Child Climbs Into Steel Cage #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Saying they were left with no other choice given the imminent peril of the situation, World Wrestling Entertainment officials confirmed they were forced to kill one of their own stars Friday when a 7-year-old boy wandered into the steel cage enclosure of an aggressive wrestler.
Hallmark Debuts 1-Square-Inch Father’s Day Card With No Room For Writing Anything #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Touting it as the perfect way to celebrate Dad as quickly and efficiently as possible, Hallmark debuted a 1-square-inch Father’s Day card Friday that has no room for writing anything. “This new Father’s Day card is the ideal size for tersely addressing how much your dad means to you without having to add a single sentiment of your own,” said spokesman James Swickley, adding that the card simply has “Happy Father’s Day” written in a plain font on the cover, which succinctly recognizes the occasion without any unwanted embellishment whatsoever. “The inner panel is so small that you don’t have to worry about writing out a long, heartfelt message or making a weak attempt at lighthearted humor. There’s room to sign your name, but not even enough space to write ‘Love’ above that, sparing both you and Dad the awkwardness of an affectionate sign-off.” Swickley went on to say that Hallmark was working on an even more compact version of the card that was just the cover, aimed at fathers who’d figure out who sent it to them eventually.
EPA Unveils Plan To Improve Conditions For Nation’s Sludge #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to reverse the adverse effects caused by years of neglect, the Environmental Protection Agency unveiled a plan Friday to drastically improve conditions for the nation’s sludge. “Our new set of stewardship initiatives will ensure the speedy restoration of sludge in ecosystems all across the country,” said EPA administrator Scott Pruitt, explaining that the public and private sectors would collaborate on the massive, nationwide undertaking in urban and rural areas to set aside rivers, lakes, and ditches where the fetid, virulent slurry can spread out and roam free. “Whether it’s the byproduct of sewage treatment, petroleum refining, or common industrial runoff, we are committed to a long-term conservation effort to provide sanctuaries for sludge of all kinds while also putting controls in place for sludge to continue flourishing unharmed. Our nation’s precious sludge is some of the best in the world, and it’s up to us to keep it that way.” Pruitt went on to say that the preservation of the country’s sludge will require the active participation of all Americans, and he was more than confident that they would rise to the occasion.
Biggest Sports Franchise Relocations #~# With the Oakland Raiders leaving for Las Vegas in 2020, Onion Sports looks back on some of the biggest franchise relocations in history.
Addition Of Ketchup Factored Into Calculation Of French Fry’s Final Temperature #~# GOODING, ID—In an effort to more accurately assess how hot the food item would be once he began eating it, local man Barney Randolph on Friday reportedly factored the addition of ketchup into his calculation of a french fry’s final temperature. According to sources, Randolph first roughly approximated the heat level of the fry based on how it felt between his two fingers and then adjusted for the small amount of ketchup he pre-applied during his first drizzle over the entire basket. He then accounted for the fact that the far section of the fry was resting deep in the bottom of the pile and would be hotter than the remainder while also taking into consideration the ketchup’s origin from a room-temperature glass bottle and not a squeeze bottle from the refrigerator. After estimating the cooling effect that would result from blowing on it for a few seconds, sources said that Randolph bit down on the fry, only to realize he had badly miscalculated and would have no choice but to allow additional cooling time inside his mouth.
Report: Today The Day Woman Either Quits Job Or Goes Home And Watches 4 Hours Of Netflix #~# BOSTON—Citing her growing irritation with the tasks assigned to her and the festering sense of disdain she harbors toward many of her coworkers, a report issued Friday confirmed that today is finally the day that local woman Samantha King either quits her job or goes home and watches four hours of Netflix on her couch. Sources indicated that after receiving yet another error-ridden invoice from a colleague that she immediately recognized she’d have to spend the next several hours correcting, the 34-year-old billing coordinator resolved that the time had come for her to either march directly up to her boss and tell him that she’d had it with this miserable, unfulfilling job, or take the 5:30 p.m train home as usual, get into her pajamas, and watch back-to-back television episodes until she fell asleep. According to reports, the woman spent much of the morning at her desk silently seething about how much of her life she was wasting on mundane, monotonous work that went underappreciated and insufficiently compensated, a lengthy series of aggrieved thoughts that reportedly led her to conclude that—aside from commuting back to her apartment and queuing up the entire fifth season of House Of Cards on her laptop while ordering delivery—she had only one option: packing up her things right then and there and walking straight out of the office never to return. At press time, King had reportedly reached her breaking point and was teetering on the knife edge between screaming at the top of her lungs and quietly imagining what the contestants might be making in her remaining unwatched episodes of The Great British Baking Show.
‘American Crime Story’ To Dramatize Versace Murder #~# With production on its Hurricane Katrina season delayed, FX’s “American Crime Story” will instead cover the murder of designer Gianni Versace when it returns next year. What do you think?
Rolling Stone Settles With Fraternity For $1.65 Million #~# The University of Virginia fraternity that sued Rolling Stone for defamation over a now-retracted article accusing its members of a brutal rape has settled for $1.65 million. What do you think?
Millions Of Gallons Of Oil Spill Into Washington From Ruptured Rex Tillerson #~# WASHINGTON—In what is being called one of the greatest disasters of its kind, millions of gallons of oil began spilling into Washington on Friday following a rupture in Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. “There’s been a failure in his containment system, and now oil is gushing out of his left shoulder at a rate of 5,000 barrels per day,” said chief rig operator Kevin Sullivan, adding that having the senior cabinet official in such a heavily inhabited area was an environmental catastrophe waiting to happen, as the 65-year-old former ExxonMobil CEO should have been decommissioned years ago due to his age and deterioration. “We first tried putting a containment dome over him, but after that failed, we began airlifting affected citizens out of the greater Washington area and then removing the oil via controlled burns, while using remotely operated vehicles to plug Tillerson with cement. Cleanup crews are working around the clock to alleviate the damage, but we project the losses from this disaster to be in the billions, not to mention the grave impact it will have on the ecology of the region.” At press time, the disaster relief team had successfully managed to divert some of the flow to EPA administrator Scott Pruitt.
The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide #~# The Onion presents a selection of gifts perfect for every dad just in time for Father’s Day.
Beyonce Releases Teaser Foot Ahead Of Birth Of Twins #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to generate hype for the upcoming release, pop icon Beyonce unexpectedly debuted a teaser foot Thursday ahead of the highly anticipated birth of her twins, sources confirmed. “Beyonce wanted to provide a taste of what’s to come for all the fans out there,” said publicist Yvette Noel-Schure, who explained that the world-famous recording artist had been quietly working on the twins for months and noted how the latest endeavor represented an ambitious new direction for Beyonce compared to her last single birth in 2012. “Longtime fans will love the pudgy little ankle and the captivating, uniquely original toes of this tiny right foot, which Bey produced along with husband Jay Z. Make sure to keep your eyes peeled for when the rest of these twins drop, which will be sometime soon.” As of press time, dozens of articles had already been written carefully analyzing the foot and speculating whether Beyonce’s forthcoming double-newborn release could ever live up to the seminal, widely acclaimed Blue Ivy.
‘This Here Is Probably Our Bestselling Love Seat,’ Says Man Who Would Have Been Powerful, Revered Warrior 4,000 Years Ago #~# RICHARDSON, TX—Upon observing a couple examining the furniture item with apparent interest, area man Aaron Eakins, who would have been a formidable and revered warrior had he lived 4,000 years ago, approached the pair and told them it was his bestselling love seat, sources said Thursday.
New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees #~# LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees. “Our findings indicate that many of the repetitive motions used while engaging in bouts of MMA puts participants at significant risk for potential sprains or tightness in the knee joints,” read the report, which added that many common MMA moves, ranging from roundhouse kicks to triangle locks, exert significant pressure on the patellae that might give rise to conditions such as arthritis or bursitis. “Over time, activities like Cage Warriors Fighting Championships can wear away the tissue in the cartilage and result in patellar maltracking, leading to pain and swelling. Our study found that, whether trained in Muay Thai or Combat Sambo, those who compete in The Octagon are jeopardizing their knee health both in the short term and for many years after their fighting days are over.” The report concluded by advising fighters to minimize their risk of incurring knee injuries during fights by wearing a patella band.
Archaeologists Discover Fully Intact 17th-Century Belief System In Ohio Congressman #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Marveling at how well preserved the archaic opinions were, a team of archaeologists from the Smithsonian Institution announced Thursday the discovery of a fully intact 17th-century belief system in Ohio congressman Jim Jordan (R-OH). “It’s just extraordinary to come across a perspective that dates back to the the mid-1600s and shows absolutely no signs of decay,” said Dr. Claire Goedde, explaining that while it’s not uncommon to encounter partial remains of convictions from that era, it’s exceedingly rare to recover a specimen this pristine. “All the 400-year-old viewpoints remain almost completely untouched, from religion’s place in society to the rights of women to the attitude toward science. I can only imagine the insights this single sample will provide as to how people who lived centuries ago saw the world around them.” Goedde added, however, that the congressman’s belief system was fragile even in near-perfect condition and could deteriorate rapidly if examined too much.
MLB Umpires Admit Pitchers Throw Way Too Fast To Actually See Ball #~# NEW YORK—Describing the task of calling balls and strikes as mostly guesswork, MLB umpires admitted Thursday that pitchers throw way too fast for them to actually see the ball. “The ball is pretty small and it’s moving really quickly, so even when I’m watching super closely, it’s still impossible to tell,” said home plate umpire Scott Glennon, who further echoed the sentiments expressed by most of his colleagues by adding that pitches like sliders and curveballs move all over the place, making it even harder to tell what happened. “It’s good when the catcher reaches really far away from the plate so I know that it’s probably a ball, or if the batter swings and misses so I don’t have to pretend I knew where the ball went. Otherwise I just have to signal real emphatically to convince everyone I saw it.” Glennon also admitted that, like most of the league’s umps, he simply alternates back and forth between calling “safe” and “out” for every close play at the plate.
New Study Finds Best Way To Determine If You Are Android Still Cutting Open Forearm To Reveal Circuitry Within #~# PASADENA, CA—Concluding that it’s the most effective way of confirming your terrifying suspicions once and for all, a new study published Thursday in The International Journal Of Robotics Research has found that the surest method of ascertaining whether you are in fact an android is slitting open your arm to expose the circuitry within. “Should you reach a point at which you begin to question your own humanity, the best technique for determining if you are man or machine is to take a sharp knife and, beginning at the wrist, make a lengthwise incision on your inside forearm,” said California Institute of Technology professor and study co-author Tabitha Merrill-Hodges, adding that for the most reliable results, you should first check to see if you are being watched and then duck into a secluded location such as a dark alley or bathroom stall. “We found the optimal strategy is to look on in wonder and utter disbelief as you peel the skin back to find mechanical pistons opening and closing as you move your fingers. Ideally, there will also be a mirror nearby that you can use to ponder your own astonished reflection as it dawns on you that your most fundamental truth, your own humanity, was all an illusion.” The study noted that the arm-cutting procedure remains far more efficient than alternative methods such as waiting to see if your body sparks when you’re hit by gunfire or if wires spill out of the stump when an explosion blows off your leg.
Little Caesars Marketing New Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza Directly To President #~# DETROIT—Touting the menu item as perfect for “commander-in-chief-sized cravings,” Little Caesars this week launched an extensive marketing campaign for its new Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza aimed directly at President Donald Trump. “Our sweet and savory Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza is the only meal that can satisfy the hunger of the nation’s highest office,” said a spokesperson in a new Little Caesars television spot, which aired several times during Thursday morning’s episode of Fox & Friends and featured multiple slow-motion close-up shots of thick brown gravy cascading onto a marshmallow-covered pizza while “Hail To The Chief” played in the background. “With dozens of perfectly toasted Jet-Puffed marshmallows bathed in rich sausage gravy and finished with crispy Cool Ranch Doritos crumbles all atop a large Classic Pepperoni pizza, our newest taste sensation is the perfect choice for a diplomatic lunch, state dinner, or when you get that late-night 3 a.m. hankering while checking social media. And with Little Caesars restaurants conveniently located throughout the D.C. and Palm Beach metro areas, you can have a slice of Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza whenever you like.” According to Little Caesars, the new item is available for $16.99 or as part of the $20.99 Executive Meal Deal along with a 48-ounce Dr Pepper and can of Duncan Hines cake frosting.
Madrid Bans ‘Manspreading’ On Public Buses #~# Buses in Madrid will now feature signs prohibiting “manspreading,” the practice of spreading one’s legs across more than one seat. What do you think?
Sponsors Drop Trump-Referencing ‘Julius Caesar’ #~# Multiple sponsors have dropped their support for the Shakespeare in the Park production of “Julius Caesar,” which depicts Caesar as a Trump-like businessman. What do you think?
Heaven Installs Spikes To Keep Cherubs From Shitting On St. Peter’s Gate #~# THE HEAVENS—Frustrated by how frequently they’ve had to scrub the structure clean over the past several millennia, representatives from the Kingdom of Heaven confirmed Wednesday they had installed spikes atop St. Peter’s Gate to prevent cherubs from shitting all over it. “It’s really embarrassing—not to mention disgusting—that the first thing new souls see upon arriving here for the rest of eternity is our main entrance absolutely covered in cherub shit, so hopefully the new spikes will keep those little bastards away,” said the archangel Raphael of the continuous strip of 7-inch interwoven stainless steel spikes that a team of contractors affixed along the top of the final threshold to everlasting paradise, noting that the divine beings’ droppings not only sullied the appearance of the otherwise grand and gleaming gate, but also produced a noxious odor that posed a significant health hazard. “It was a bit expensive having them do the whole length of the archway, but much less expensive in the long run than paying someone to power-wash it every other week. Plus, it’s a much more humane method than the poison pellets we were using before.” At press time, Raphael had turned his attention to shooing away the haggard assortment of mangy, mostly flightless cherubs that hobble around on the clouds surrounding St. Peter’s Gate, subsisting on scraps left by the crowds of the saved.
Authorities Praise Twitter Users’ Rapid Response To Virginia Shooting #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—Recounting how they rushed to the social media platform in a matter of moments, local authorities Wednesday praised Twitter users’ rapid response to the shooting of a Republican congressman and four others. “We would like to acknowledge those Twitter users who, without any hesitation, immediately leaped into action after they saw the first headline about today’s tragedy,” said Alexandria Police Chief Michael Brown, adding that they didn’t think twice before assigning blame or fueling speculation, willingly engaging in petty arguments and personal attacks in a situation where any normal person would have just stayed away. “Focused and intent on getting their takes out there, they disregarded all consequences and, as if by instinct, jumped right into the fray, not wasting precious seconds confirming the veracity of their claims or checking the spelling of their statements.” Brown went on to say that this level of dedication should come as no surprise to anyone, as Twitter users go above and beyond like this every single day.
Virginia Shooting Somehow Proves What Every Single American Has Been Saying All Along #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of this morning’s mass shooting in Alexandria, VA, every single American from across the political spectrum was reportedly able to cite the tragedy as irrefutable proof that they had been right about everything all along. “I’ve always said gun control puts our citizens at risk and makes them sitting ducks for any criminal who doesn’t play by the rules, and today, sadly, all my fears were confirmed,” said conservative Paula Frazier of Willoughby, OH, one of the hundreds of millions of Americans who said it gave them no pleasure at all to have their long-held beliefs so thoroughly validated. Added liberal Marc Watson of Savannah, GA: “When any unhinged maniac can just waltz into a store or gun show and buy a weapon specifically designed for mass casualties, this is unfortunately what happens—exactly like I’ve said from the very beginning.” At press time, every American was dejected at the thought of how soon they would be proven absolutely right once again.
‘New York Times’ VR Program Takes User Inside Immersive, 3D World Of Paul Krugman #~# NEW YORK—Using the rapidly evolving technology to push the boundaries of how people interact with the acclaimed writer and economist, The New York Times released a virtual reality program Friday that takes users inside the immersive, 3D world of Paul Krugman. “Once the VR headset is activated, the user will find themself seemingly transported to the immediate vicinity of our Nobel Prize–winning columnist,” said New York Times Company president and CEO Mark Thompson, adding that the computer-generated environment would allow, for the very first time, a full 360-degree view of Krugman and enable users to pan the entire length of his body from the top of his head to his shoes. “Readers, who for almost 20 years could get no closer than words on a page, can now experience Paul Krugman from mere inches away. While there still isn’t an artificial intelligence component that enables the simulated Krugman to do anything except stand in place and blink, fiber-optic glove sensors will nevertheless allow users the tactile enjoyment of stroking his beard or the sleeve of his suit jacket.” At press time, Paul Krugman himself was reportedly using the VR program for hours on end.
J.Crew Debuts New Line Of Stylish Casualwear For Mannequins #~# NEW YORK—Saying its classic but comfortable fashions should be for everyone, clothing retailer J.Crew unveiled on Wednesday a new line of stylish casualwear specifically designed for mannequins. “Whether they’re hanging out with friends in a window display or standing motionless by the entrance to a menswear section, our new ‘Dolled Up’ apparel line offers ageless, timeless looks for the modern mannequin,” said J.Crew creative director Jenna Lyons, adding that the clothes have been specially hand-dyed in colors that complement mannequins’ stark white skin while the lightweight madras and chambray fabrics won’t weigh down their hollow fiberglass frames. “We’ve tailored these garments to subtly accentuate the nubs where hands and feet should be, but we’ve also manufactured them to be durable enough to withstand being stretched against a permanently bent elbow.” At press time, J.Crew’s mannequin line was discontinued after selling far below expectations.
Microsoft Unveils Xbox One X Console #~# Microsoft has announced an upgraded version of the Xbox One known as the Xbox One X, which goes on sale in November. What do you think?
Melania, Barron Trump Move Into White House #~# After a five-month delay while Barron finished out the school year in New York, Melania and Barron Trump have finally moved into the White House. What do you think?
Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off #~# PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday. “Special Counsel—outta my way!” shouted Mueller, swerving around fuel trucks and screeching onto an active taxiway as the Boeing 747 revved its engines to full power and began accelerating for liftoff. “Stop! Stop the goddamn plane! I need to speak with the president!” At press time, Mueller had brought his SUV to a rapid, sliding halt at the end of the runway and could be seen yelling obscenities and pounding the hood of the automobile as the aircraft climbed into the sky and banked away to the northwest.
Biggest Announcements From E3 #~# Each June, E3, or The Electronic Entertainment Expo, hosts game developers showing off their latest products. Here are this year’s most exciting announcements:
Is This A Bunch Of Assholes Fucking Around Or Is This A Clown Ministry? #~# I’ve witnessed some sorry fucking sights in my life, but the display you just put on in front of that nursing home crowd was the most pathetic excuse for Christian-themed slapstick I’ve ever seen. Dropped lines, missed cues, and I don’t know what you all thought you were doing during the Ten Commandments skit, but it sure as shit wasn’t what we rehearsed.
Raid Introduces New Box To Cover Bug Until You Work Up Emotional Strength To Kill It #~# RACINE, WI—Touting the pest control product’s effectiveness at buying extra time for squeamish consumers, Raid introduced a new line of boxes for placing over bugs until you muster up the emotional strength to kill them, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Raid’s new Bug Containment Unit can be used to confine spiders, cockroaches, beetles, and other pests while you summon the courage to smash them with a shoe or rolled-up newspaper,” said S. C. Johnson & Son COO Salman Amin, explaining how the 10-by-14-inch cardboard box immobilizes the insect as you pace back and forth, cringing at the thought of how gross crushing it will be, or fretting about accidentally missing and allowing it to escape. “The unit keeps the bug secure as you cycle between building up the nerve to finally kill it and then chickening out over and over again. The box also provides you enough time to convince your roommates or spouse to deal with it instead.” Raid officials went on to confirm the box includes adhesive strips around its opening for those who would prefer to trap the bug and then leave it there indefinitely to suffocate or starve to death.
Donkey Kong Left Off New ‘Super Smash Bros.’ Game After Failing To Make Weight #~# LOS ANGELES—In a stunning development that sent shockwaves through the gaming community, Nintendo announced during their Electronic Entertainment Expo presentation Tuesday that Donkey Kong will be left off the upcoming edition of Super Smash Bros. after failing to make weight. “Donkey Kong’s disappointing disqualification from Super Smash Bros. came after he registered 4.5 pounds over his contractual limit of 750 pounds, despite having drastically decreased his food and water consumption in the week leading up to weigh-in,” wrote Polygon video game reviewer Christian Shunk, referring to the weight limit game officials imposed to maintain a competitive balance between the primate and fellow heavyweights like Wario, King Dedede, and Bowser. “Officials gave Donkey Kong another two hours to try again, and he attempted to eliminate excess body water by sitting in the sauna for a half hour before completing a high-intensity workout on the stationary bike while wearing heavy clothing. However, after testing 1.8 pounds over at the second weigh-in, and following an unsuccessful appeal to the Nintendo Gaming Commission, Donkey Kong was officially ineligible to participate in this edition.” Nintendo officials did confirm that Pikachu is still expected to appear in the upcoming game despite being briefly hospitalized with dehydration and kidney stones stemming from his efforts to make weight. 
Fossils Suggest Human Species At Least 315,000 Years Old #~# 315,000-year-old Moroccan fossils have been determined to belong to early Homo sapiens, making the human race 100,000 years older than previously estimated. What do you think?
Pigeon Feels Silly About Still Being A Little Scared Of Plastic Owl #~# LOWELL, MA—Reluctantly admitting he still flinches at the sight of it from time to time, a local pigeon confirmed Wednesday that he feels pretty silly about continuing to be a little scared of the plastic owl on a nearby porch.
Reflecting Pool Drained After Duckling Deaths #~# Authorities announced plans to drain and decontaminate the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool after 80 ducklings died from snail-borne parasites. What do you think?
Child Running Around House In Bathing Suit Has No Immediate Plans To Visit Body Of Water #~# SEATTLE—Racing down the hallway in her purple-and-white-striped one-piece, Clara Shaw, 5, was scampering around in a swimsuit despite having no immediate plans to visit a body of water, household sources reported Monday. According to witnesses, the child rounded the corner into the living room and proceeded to excitedly bounce on the couch, even as sources confirmed no water-based outings were on the family’s agenda and the 60-degree day outside would preclude any spontaneous trip. Reports later confirmed that Shaw had in fact insisted on wearing her swimsuit although she had also enthusiastically endorsed dry-land activities such as watching Finding Dory again and going to the grocery store. At press time, Shaw’s 3-year-old brother had appeared, wearing nothing but snow boots.
Man In Kitchen Can’t Remember What He Got Married, Bought House, Had 3 Kids, And Came In Here For #~# PENSACOLA, FL—Taking a moment to focus and get his bearings, local man Pete Harrington reportedly stood in the middle of his kitchen Monday trying to remember what he got married, bought a house, had three kids, and went in there for. “Hold on, there has to be a reason I proposed to Michelle, spent $500,000 on a home, started a family, and opened the pantry,” Harrington reportedly said to himself, struggling to recall what he was thinking 10 years, eight years, seven years, and two minutes ago. “Okay, I gave up my life as a bachelor, found a stable 9-to-5 job, put down roots in the suburbs, and walked in here, but I just can’t put my finger on why—oh well, I’m sure it’ll come to me eventually.” At press time, Harrington was carefully retracing his steps back to New Year’s Eve 2001.
Woman Digs Excitedly Into Ingrown Hair Around Bikini Line Like Grave Robber Pillaging Spoils Of The Dead #~# PITTSBURGH—Using her fingernail as if it were a heavy iron chisel while digging into the little red bump on the surface of her skin, 29-year-old Mya Landreth excitedly excavated an ingrown hair around her bikini line Monday like a 19th-century grave robber plundering the spoils of the dead, sources confirmed. “Almost there,” said Landreth, a smile reportedly playing across her face as she watched her flesh begin to give way, her index finger expertly scraping at the area as if she were a skilled looter carefully prying open the sealed crypt of a long-dead pharaoh or tribal chieftain to pillage the untold riches that awaited inside. “Got it!” she is said to have cried triumphantly as she hoisted from the depths her prize: a single hair that had once curled in on itself underneath her skin but had now been unearthed from its burial mound and, much like a trove of gold jewelry and loose gemstones that had sat undisturbed for hundreds of years, was now hers for the taking. Seeking to prolong the exhilarating thrill she felt after securing such a precious bounty, Landreth was at press time already scouring other areas of her flesh for a stray pimple or blackhead just as a veteran body snatcher silently hunts under cover of night for the telltale signs of a freshly dug grave.
Birthday Cards From Grandma Becoming More Religious #~# BEAVERTON, OR—Saying the escalation in biblical language and motifs was now unmistakable, Allen family sources confirmed Friday that their grandmother’s birthday cards were becoming more and more religious. “At first they would just say ‘God bless you on your birthday’ or something, but now they include full-on Bible verses,” said granddaughter Leah Allen, explaining that the trend began to accelerate when she received a card containing a preprinted psalm about the joy in God’s salvation and had now culminated in cards with pictures of angels and crucifixes on the cover. “The cards used to be pretty generic with balloons and festive lettering and stuff, but now they’re just off-white with the text written in overly fancy cursive. Some of them don’t even say ‘Happy Birthday’ anymore.” Allen later confirmed to reporters that the greater religiosity of her grandmother’s birthday cards in no way corresponded with an increase in the gift she included.
Facebook Ads Can Target Emotionally Vulnerable Teens #~# An internal report obtained by an Australian newspaper states that Facebook is able to specifically target young people who feel “insecure” or “worthless” with ads. What do you think?
Ref Quietly Asks Penguins Players If He Can Have A Go At Hoisting Stanley Cup #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Timidly approaching members of the Pittsburgh Penguins as they celebrated their championship victory over the Nashville Predators, referee Dan O’Halloran quietly asked several players if he could have a go at hoisting the Stanley Cup, sources confirmed Sunday night. “Hey guys, this has always been kind of a dream of mine, so do you think I could take a turn holding the cup?” O’Halloran was reported to have shyly asked Penguins alternate captain Chris Kunitz after spending several minutes silently lingering just outside the huddle of rejoicing players. “It’s just that this is my eighth Stanley Cup, and in that whole time I’ve never even gotten to touch it. I promise I’ll be really quick, and then you can have it right back.” At press time, O’Halloran was reportedly standing frozen in horror after dropping the Stanley Cup.
Conservatives Lose Majority In UK Election #~# In a surprise ending to the UK election, the Conservative Party lost their majority in Parliament, which could complicate the country’s planned exit from the European Union. What do you think?
Woman Hopes Husband Doesn’t Notice She Lost Wedding Ring Finger Over Weekend #~# GRAND FORKS, ND—Knowing how furious he’d be the moment he noticed its absence from her hand, local woman Teri Bishop told reporters Thursday that she hoped her husband wouldn’t realize she lost her wedding ring finger over the weekend. “If Brian glances over and sees the ring finger’s gone, he’s going to be pissed, and frankly, I don’t blame him,” said Bishop, adding that while she recalled having it at the mall on Saturday, no ring finger matching its description had yet been returned to the lost and found. “This is the second time I’ve misplaced it, and I was lucky I found it on the floor of my car the first time. Maybe I’ll dig around in my purse one last time, and if it’s not there I’ll just have to get a replacement, although they cost a fortune and never look exactly like the original.” At press time, Bishop had purchased the replacement, and her husband had yet to say anything whatsoever.
Marriage Counselor Encourages Woman To Take On Numerous Sexual Partners While Husband At Work #~# ‘Let’s Just See How It Goes Before Sharing Grievances,’ Advises Relationship Expert
Obama Sends Publisher Collection Of Pages For Presidential Graphic Novel #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the finished work would become the “definitive take” on his time in the White House, Barack Obama reportedly submitted a collection of pages from his presidential graphic novel, Barack Obama: Renegade, to publisher Image Comics on Thursday.
Dad Frees Up Entire Day To Spend On Quality Father-Grill Bonding Time #~# MADISON, WI—Saying he’d been meaning to set aside this kind of time for a while now, local father Gary Plumber told reporters Tuesday that he had freed up the entire day to spend on some quality father-grill bonding. “No mowing the lawn or oil changes today—I’ve cleared my whole schedule so you and I can really spend some time together,” said Plumber of the forest green 22-inch charcoal kettle grill, which he reportedly sees mostly on holidays and some scattered weekends during the summer, but certainly not as regularly as he’d like. “I’ve put it off for way too long, but this will be a great day for the two of us to reconnect. I even went out and bought some juicy rib-eyes for the occasion.” At press time, Plumber was squirting lighter fluid over a layer of briquettes and was suddenly moved to tears as he remembered the day he brought the grill home from the hardware store.
Man Dies After Swimming With New Tattoo #~# A 31-year-old Texas man died of septic shock after his new tattoo became infected while swimming in the Gulf of Mexico. What do you think?
Strongside/Weakside: Sidney Crosby #~# Sidney Crosby may be the best player in the NHL. But is he any good?
The Onion’s Guide To Wedding Attire #~# As wedding season approaches, The Onion provides a guide to help guests make the perfect sartorial choice.
10-Month-Old Pug Worried Upon Reaching Age When Father Developed Debilitating Breathing Problems #~# BEAVER, PA—Frequently taking deep breaths to test his lung capacity, a local 10-month-old pug was reportedly worried Thursday upon reaching the age where his father developed debilitating respiratory problems. “You can’t help but be concerned when you realize you’re the exact same age your dad was when he started wheezing all the time,” said the pug, explaining how his fears were made all the more unsettling by memories of his father being able to climb no more than three steps before needing to lie down for 15 minutes just to catch his breath. “I didn’t worry when these problems seemed so far away, but now the day when I can’t walk from the kitchen to the living room without an attack of snorting is right around the corner. It’s like you start closing in on 1 year old, and everything just falls apart.” At press time, the pug had been spared his father’s breathing issues and instead was nearly immobile from hip dysplasia.
Trump Boys Chasing Wounded Boar Around White House #~# WASHINGTON—Tearing through the West Wing with guns slung over their shoulders, the Trump boys were reportedly seen Thursday chasing a wounded boar around the White House. “Look! Let’s follow that blood trail!” said Donald Jr., who had been examining a clump of damp, sticky fur clinging to a curtain in the press secretary’s office when he noticed a red trickle on the floor leading out to the West Colonnade. “I thought I had a clean kill, but I must’ve just hit his haunch! Come on, Eric! We can’t let anyone from a tour group get to it first—that’s our hog!” At press time, Donald Jr. had startled the boar in the Cabinet Room and pursued it into the Oval Office, where Eric reportedly shot the animal at point-blank range from behind the Resolute desk and giggled as the animal bled out onto the carpet’s presidential seal.
Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone #~# WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone. “Folks, do you mind giving me just a second with this guy?” said Trump, ushering the gathered lawmakers out of the room as a visibly uncomfortable Comey silently looked on from his seat. “You too, Susan [Collins (R-ME)] and Mark [Warner (D-VA)]. This should only take a minute. Thanks.” At press time, after the last of the senators had finished filing quietly out of the chamber, the president was seen closing the door behind them.
Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most #~# WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world. “Oh no, my chips!” said the grief-stricken oaf, tears welling in his eyes as he frantically attempted to sweep up the fragments that had spilled onto the floor, tiny salty shards that were now all that remained of his precious snack. “What did I do? What did I do to my chips?” At press time, although all was already lost, the sobbing dullard was begging a pile of crumbs in his palm to please forgive him.
Woman Who Leaked Report On Election Hacking Arrested #~# A federal contractor in Georgia has been arrested for leaking a classified NSA report on Russia’s alleged election hacking to The Intercept. What do you think?
LeBron James Dances Naked Inside Pentagram Of Black Candles In New Pregame Satanic Ritual #~# CLEVELAND—In an effort to reverse the momentum of an NBA Finals so far dominated by the Golden State Warriors, Cleveland Cavaliers small forward LeBron James reportedly danced naked Wednesday inside a pentagram of black candles in a new pregame satanic ritual before Game 3.
Apple Unveils ‘HomePod’ Smart Speaker #~# Following Google Home and Amazon Echo, Apple has unveiled its own smart speaker, the HomePod, which will go on sale this December. What do you think?
How Smartphones Have Changed Our Lives #~# Real-time access to thousands of scathing reviews of local Thai restaurants
Local Man Dies Following Short Battle With Gas Leak Explosion #~# ANNETTA, TX—Fighting his condition until the very end, local man Ron Batton died Wednesday following a short battle with a gas leak explosion. “Ron was a real trooper,” said his brother Kevin Batton, adding that throughout the fraction of a second between the 2000-degree fireball engulfing him and his body becoming nothing more than a pile of cinders, Ron held his head high and “never, ever surrendered.” “He kept quiet about it and didn’t let it change the way he lived his life in any way. In fact, we didn’t even find out what was happening until everyone in a one-mile radius heard a deafening explosion, and chunks of his house began raining down from the sky. But if you knew Ron like I did, none of that is the least bit surprising.” Batton went on to say that given how much Ron was suffering, they were confident he was finally ready to go.
NASA Receives More Depressing Photos Of Mars’ Surface From Morbid Curiosity Rover #~# PASADENA, CA—In the latest troubling update from the multi-year survey mission, scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory received another set of depressing photos from the martian surface taken by the Morbid Curiosity Rover, sources at the agency confirmed Wednesday.
Harvard Rescinds Admission Offers Over Offensive Memes #~# At least 10 incoming Harvard freshman have had their admission offers revoked for sharing offensive memes on a private Facebook group. What do you think?
Dozens Of Knockoff Internets Flood Market After Patent Expires #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to quickly and inexpensively piggyback on the success of the original global computer network, dozens of knockoff internets reportedly began flooding the market Wednesday immediately after the patent expired. “Mere hours after the internet’s utility patent from 1976 ran out, dozens of inferior worldwide connection and communication networks suddenly emerged,” said technology analyst Peter Spangle, adding that new global computer systems such as Page Linker, UniNet, and The Online were unreliable imitations that were hastily constructed and riddled with bugs and glitches. “Cheaply made web frameworks such as Enternet and Connectlinks only provide the flimsiest reproduction of the existing internet’s vast capability—most of them are created in China and other parts of the world where quality control is lax or nearly nonexistent. With shallow repositories of only a few million web pages and clunky social networking platforms that have virtually zero reach, these internets might seem like a bargain, but many frustrated users will very likely find their way back to the original.” At press time, new internet knockoffs were still being rapidly manufactured even as others fell apart under the strain of hundreds of people attempting to navigate at once.
Innovations In Public Transportation #~# The Chicago “L” began operating 125 years ago today and became the nation’s first rapid transit system. The Onion looks back on some of the most important innovations in the history of public transportation.
‘Wonder Woman’ Sets Box Office Record #~# DC’s “Wonder Woman” took in $100.5 million during its opening weekend, making it the highest-grossing domestic debut of all time for a female director. What do you think?
I Sometimes Wish Lawyers Existed Outside The Fantastical World Of My Novels #~# Perhaps the greatest joy in writing fiction lies in the opportunity to fashion an entire world of one’s own devising. As an author, I can bring to life strange, wondrous characters and have them say or do anything I want. Sometimes, I grow so fond of my creations that I long for them to be real, and that’s especially true of the lawyers who fill my books. Oh, how I wish such a fantastical profession could exist outside my novels!
Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted #~# NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted. “I’ve always felt a little bit different from the rest of my family, but lately I’ve really started to wonder if I’m actually my parents’ biological child at all,” said Kyle Met, who noted that, in addition to being the only member of his family with blonde hair, he does not share his parents’ bulbous eyes, leathery white skin, and perfectly spherical head. “My brother is a dead ringer for my dad—they both have the same thick, jet-black eyebrows—but I’m sort of a mystery. I asked to see my baby pictures once, and my mom said they’d been lost in a flood. I’d still love them because they’re the ones who raised me, but it would be really nice to know if they’re my real parents.” Met added that his parents have repeatedly assured him he simply inherited the recessive genes of his maternal grandfather.
Snuggle Marketers Kill Off 18-34 Demographic Rather Than Let It Fall Into Hands Of Competitor #~# WILTON, CT—Unwilling to let its rivals lay claim to the key consumer group, the marketing team for Snuggle fabric softener slaughtered the entire 18-to-34-year-old demographic to prevent it from falling into the hands of a competitor, sources said Tuesday. “When the stakes are this high, it’s not enough to simply advertise Snuggle’s low price, fresh scent, and wrinkle-fighting power,” said Snuggle marketing director Rebecca Murston, adding that the logistical challenge of orchestrating 71 million murders was negligible compared with the prospect of losing essential customers to a competing product. “If Tide, or god forbid Bounce, were to establish a foothold with this highly lucrative segment of the market, all would be lost. And if we cannot have 18- to 34-year-olds, we have decided that no one can.” At press time, the bloodshed showed no sign of abating as Snuggle now set its sights on 35- to 44-year-olds, the most coveted surviving demographic.
Indiana Becomes Fourth State To Ban Great Sex #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Following the lead of Missouri, Oklahoma, and Georgia, the Indiana legislature Tuesday passed “HB 1679: Prohibiting Sexual Intercourse Of An Excessively Pleasurable Nature,” officially becoming the fourth state in the country to outlaw great sex. “Here in Indiana, we have long believed that sexual activity should be brief, unexceptional, and performed in the most perfunctory of ways, and the landmark legislation we sent to the governor today embodies the traditional values that are so deeply ingrained in this state,” said State Senator Mark Messmer in a morning news conference, explaining that any sexual relations in which the participants are mutually satisfied emotionally or physically would result in fines of up to $1,000, depending on how incredible the sex was. “By restricting sexual activity to seven minutes or less and banning all sexual positions within the state aside from the missionary position, this bold new law stands up for the passable, fairly mechanical sex that my fellow Hoosiers and I have long disinterestedly engaged in—and that we will continue to disinterestedly engage in, provided we do so no more than twice per calendar month, as per the legally mandated limit.” Messmer went on to say that he didn’t anticipate any negative effects from the ban as nearly every Indiana resident was already in compliance with the new law.
Study: Hot Water Not Better For Washing Hands #~# Researchers studying the effects of water temperature on hand-washing have found that hot water is no better at killing bacteria than cold water. What do you think?
Bill Belichick Reminds Players They Expected To Attend Offseason Team Experiments #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Calling the procedures the first steps toward building a championship team, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly reminded players Monday that they are expected to attend all offseason team experiments. “Participation in all of our offseason pain-tolerance testing and trauma modules is required for all players, including those on tryout contracts,” read Belichick’s letter to the team informing players they are expected to arrive in peak physical condition and prepared to engage in forced aversion therapy with their respective position groups, and that rookies must arrive a day early for evaluations of their maximum crush weight. “By now you should be familiar with the key concepts of our new regenerative limb research, which will be the focus of the first day of camp before we divide up the offense and defense into their separate freezer cages. I implore you to take these experiments seriously, as they will play a critical role in determining who will survive long enough to make our 53-man roster.” According to the letter, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have agreed to join the Patriots on the final day of camp as a control group.
Studio Ghibli Opening Anime Theme Park #~# Japanese animator Studio Ghibli, the maker of “Spirited Away” and “Princess Mononoke,” is building a theme park based on its films, with plans to open next decade. What do you think?
Report: More Americans Willing To Accept Female Wonder Woman #~# LOS ANGELES—Signaling a dramatic shift in public opinion, a new report released Monday by the Entertainment Research Council revealed that more Americans than ever are willing to accept a female Wonder Woman. “Our poll shows that a record 64 percent of moviegoers in the U.S. are now comfortable with the idea of Wonder Woman being a woman,” said the report’s lead author, Rebecca Pohlman, explaining that in the past decade the nation has grown more supportive of a female Diana, Princess of Themyscira, even though as recently as 1990 less than 10 percent of Americans thought an actress should play the part of the Amazonian superhero. “Still, this remains a highly polarizing issue, as 31 percent of those surveyed claimed they couldn’t possibly imagine Wonder Woman as anything other than a male. Even a sizable minority of those who said they were potentially open to a female Wonder Woman said they would remain skeptical until they could judge the portrayal with their own eyes.” While the poll suggested that the nation was increasingly receptive to women taking on more diverse roles, the survey also found that only 28 percent of Americans were amenable to a black Black Panther.
NASA Planning First Mission To Sun #~# NASA has set a summer 2018 launch date for its Parker Solar Probe, which will be the first spacecraft to explore the sun at close range. What do you think?
Subconscious Can’t Wait To Turn Offhand Remark From Boss Into Dream About Drowning Horse #~# BROOKLINE, MA—Chomping at the bit to twist the benign statement into an absolutely terrifying image, the subconscious of local man David Vanwell reportedly couldn’t wait Monday to turn an offhand remark by his boss into a dream about a drowning horse. “Oh yeah, as soon as he falls asleep I’m going to manifest that frivolous comment from the earlier meeting into a horrifying visual of a stallion vainly flailing for its life as it slowly disappears underwater,” said Vanwell’s psyche, excitedly planning every detail of the panicked horse’s descent to a watery grave that will somehow represent his supervisor’s innocuous observation. “I’ve been waiting for the perfect excuse to drop a stallion in an above-ground swimming pool where it can sink down, down, down as if to the bottom of the ocean even though the pool itself is only six feet high, and now I have it. He’s not going to know what hit him when the horse starts gurgling for help in his boss’s voice.” At press time, Vanwell’s subconscious suddenly realized the drowning horse scenario could segue nicely into a scene of him being trapped inside a burning freight elevator that symbolized a casual text from his girlfriend.
Family Hesitant About Sinking Another 40 Grand Into Repairs Of Dilapidated Old Grandma #~# CALDWELL, ID—Conceding that she just might not be worth the expense at this point, the Smith family told reporters Monday that they were hesitant about sinking another $40,000 of repairs into their dilapidated old grandmother. “I hate to say it, but we might just be throwing money away on the old girl,” said her son Lawrence Smith, explaining that they’ve already sunk $15,000 into her hip and another $5,000 into her hearing and would hate to put even more money into her only to have her break down a week after they picked her up from the hospital. “We can’t get her a mile out before she overheats, stalls, and has to be restarted. She leaks all the time now too, not to mention the weird sounds she keeps making. Honestly, it might be better to just let her keep going as long as she can until she naturally stops running for good.” Smith went on to say that the family’s money might be much better spent on investing in a brand-new grandchild.
British Radio Stations Ban Anti–Theresa May Song #~# “Liar Liar GE2017,” a song that criticizes Prime Minister Theresa May, has been banned from UK radio stations due to rules requiring them to remain politically neutral. What do you think?
Nair Introduces New Incendiary Oil For Controlled Burn Of Bikini Zone #~# EWING, NJ—Hailing the product as the most effective means of removing unwanted body hair, the makers of Nair introduced a new incendiary oil Friday specially formulated to produce a controlled burn in the bikini area. “The new Nair Firebreak system couldn’t be easier to use—just apply the flammable spray, ignite it with an ordinary match or lighter, and watch as that unsightly hair is consumed by flames in no time,” said Church & Dwight Company representative Tina Soto, adding that the oil comes with a small trenching tool to prevent the burn from spreading to other parts of the body. “Repeat as needed until the hair is charred to the roots and reduced to a fine mixture of ash and cinders. Then simply dig out that residue and enjoy the new, smoother you!” Soto went on to say that in rare instances where the fire could not be confined the pubic area, it would likely burn itself out in a few weeks once it ran out of fuel.
Climate Change Could Cause Sleep Deprivation #~# Scientists estimate that rising temperatures will lead to a worldwide increase in sleeplessness and related health problems. What do you think?
Report: Getting Parents Off Back Now Accounts For 38% Of Economic Growth #~# EVANSTON, IL—Describing it as one of the most powerful trends driving markets nationwide, a new report released Thursday by the Northwestern University Department of Economics found that children getting their parents off their back now accounts for 38 percent of all economic growth. “Our findings indicate that nearly a third of the GDP growth rate stems from young adults carrying out an annoying request entirely in an effort to make their parents shut up about it,” read the report in part, also noting that more than $300 billion alone was spent last year by 18-to-28-year-olds reluctantly complying with repeated pleas to get a haircut, buy a proper winter jacket, or furnish their apartment with at least one item that did not look like it was “from the Goodwill or something.” “Furthermore, this demographic invested a significant amount of money in the economy by opening up IRAs after receiving numerous e-mails from their dad reminding them that it is never too early to start thinking about retirement. In fact, many of these young people entered the workforce in the first place simply because their parents would not stop badgering them about how it was time to move out or start paying a portion of the rent.” The report also expressed confidence that the trend would continue, as many parents demonstrated the capacity to continue pestering their children throughout their 30s and 40s.
Kathy Griffin Fired For Graphic Anti-Trump Photos #~# CNN has fired Kathy Griffin from co-hosting its New Year’s Eve broadcast over photos of the comedian holding a fake severed head resembling Donald Trump. What do you think?
Sean Spicer Announces There Only Enough Time Left In Career For Couple More Questions #~# WASHINGTON—Urging the assembled reporters to move things along, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced at a press conference Thursday that there was only enough time left in his career for a couple more questions. “We’re going to have to wrap this up soon, folks,” said Spicer, adding that he could only call on three or four more journalists before being forced to tender his resignation or summarily dismissed. “I’m just about done working here, so why don’t we jump right in? If you have any questions that I don’t get to, please hold onto them and my successor will follow up with you, assuming my position isn’t eliminated entirely.” At press time, Spicer had refused to directly answer each of the final questions he was asked.
A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal #~# With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
Nation Unable To Discern Why Unattractive Woman On Screen #~# ‘Maybe She’ll Be Attractive Later,’ Say Citizens
Panic Floods Mike Pence’s System Before Realizing Hand On Knee His Own #~# WASHINGTON—His heart racing in terror as he struggled to breathe, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly flooded with panic Thursday before he realized the hand resting on his knee during a conference at the White House was his own. “Oh, thank God,” thought a visibly relieved Pence, wiping away the droplets of sweat that had rapidly accumulated on his forehead. “That was close. Just to be safe, I should always keep a healthy gap between myself and the person seated next to me from now on. But, honestly, it’s unacceptable for even my own hand to rest on my knee—it’s the first wicked step on the path to a life of whoremongering.” At press time, Pence had instructed aides to bind his wrists behind his back at the beginning of every meeting.
Adam Carolla Crowdfunding ‘No Safe Spaces’ Movie #~# Former “Man Show” co-host Adam Carolla is crowdfunding “No Safe Spaces,” a movie critical of political correctness on college campuses. What do you think?
‘So Fuckin’ Sorry To Hear About This Shit,’ Reads Outpouring Of Sympathetic Texts From Scaramucci’s Friends, Family #~# WASHINGTON—Following his abrupt dismissal just 10 days after being named White House communications director, Anthony Scaramucci reportedly received an outpouring of sympathetic texts Monday from friends and family expressing that they were “so fuckin’ sorry to hear about this shit.” “My deepest motherfuckin’ condolences, Tony, it’s terrible to hear you got shit-canned by these ass-munching cocks in D.C.,” read a text message in part, just one of dozens sent by old buddies at Goldman Sachs, current business partners at SkyBridge Capital, and extended family in New Jersey in response to his “goddamn bullshit” dismissal. “Sorry to hear those bitches gave you the fucking ax, Mooch. That jackass [John] Kelly got no fucking clue what a good fuckin’ dude you are. Just know your mother and I always got your fucking back.” At press time, Scaramucci’s New York office was reportedly filled with flower arrangements and handwritten cards lamenting that this was “absolute fucking trash.”
Study: Sperm Counts Plunging In Western World #~# A new study has found that sperm counts among men in North America and Europe have decreased by 59 percent since 1973. What do you think?
Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the resignation of Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director marked the ouster of the third top administration official in less than two weeks, a worried populace told reporters Monday that it was unsure how many former Trump staffers it could safely reabsorb. “Jesus, we can’t just take back these assholes all at once—we need time to process one before we get the next,” said 53-year-old Gregory Birch of Naperville, IL, echoing the concerns of 323 million Americans in also noting that the country was only now truly beginning to reintegrate former national security advisor Michael Flynn. “This is just not sustainable. I’d say we can handle maybe one or two more former members of Trump’s inner circle over the remainder of the year, but that’s it. This country has its limits.” At press time, the American populace was wearily hoping it had even 48 hours before it had to figure out how to take back Attorney General Jeff Sessions.
Blissed-Out, Hemp-Wearing Sean Spicer Assures Reince Priebus This The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Him #~# DELRAY BEACH, FL—Inviting the recently fired White House chief of staff to take a load off and embrace his newfound freedom, a blissed-out, hemp-wearing former press secretary Sean Spicer reportedly assured Reince Priebus on Monday that leaving the White House was the best thing that ever happened to him. “Seriously, man, that place was toxic—after I got out of there, it was like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders,” said the serene, baja-hoodie-clad former spokesman, offering Priebus some of his homemade kombucha and his copy of Alan Watts’ Become What You Are while assuring him that leaving the Trump administration would allow him to find a sense of tranquility and spiritual reconnection. “I take long walks now. I read. I meditate. Remember how flustered I used to get? The other day, someone totally screwed up my lunch order, but I didn’t even let it get to me. Trust me, you’re going to look back on this as the day you rediscovered yourself. Welcome back, brother.” At press time, Priebus was attending a silent meditation retreat in Bali, waiting for the echoes of Donald Trump shrieking at him to finally subside.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement #~# LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month. “Let’s see, how many miles was that Saturday?” Earnhardt reportedly said to himself before jotting down the mileage total, his full legal name, and the date of his 2017 Overton’s 400 race onto a form titled “2017 Driver Reimbursement Requests,” before rifling through his glove compartment to find a missing gas receipt from a race earlier in the month. “Jesus, this whole thing is always such a fucking hassle, and of course H.R. is going to send this right back to me because I filled out something wrong, like they always do. I’m still owed like 10 grand from the 2016 Sprint Cup Series, for Christ’s sake.” At press time, Earnhardt was reportedly explaining to Overton 400 winner Kyle Busch that the NOS energy drink he sprayed everywhere following his victory can count as a meal reimbursement.
Troubling Report Finds Millions Of Americans Forced To Make Ends Meet By Getting Up And Going To Work Every Day #~# WASHINGTON—In a sobering new report that lays bare a hard truth about today’s economy, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed Monday that many Americans have no choice but to make ends meet by getting up and going to work every day. “There are more than 100 million adults in this nation who, to provide for themselves and their families, must wake up in the morning, get out of bed, and go to a job where they are required to complete a series of tasks assigned to them by a supervisor,” the report read in part, noting that all demographic groups were equally likely to resort to almost daily employment just to scrape by. “This is the harsh reality so many are forced to grapple with. Perhaps most troubling is the fact that if they don’t get up and go to work, they will lose their job and find themselves completely cut off from a source of income that they desperately need to keep their heads above water.” The report comes on the heels of similar research that found millions of Americans had no alternative but to seek out doctors for the most basic medical care.
Jeff Bezos Briefly World’s Richest Person #~# A spike in Amazon shares briefly made the company’s founder and CEO Jeff Bezos the world’s richest person, before slipping to third place behind Bill Gates and Warren Buffett. What do you think?
Woman Bids Farewell To Former Self Before Beginning New Skin Care Regimen #~# CHANUTE, KS—Taking one last long look at herself in the bathroom mirror, local woman Enid Mulvey bid farewell to her former self Monday before beginning a brand-new skin care regimen. “When I wake up tomorrow, everything will be different—a whole new woman will be born,” said Mulvey, preparing for the complete transformation that was to come from the moisturizer, toner, and exfoliant she had just purchased and had arrayed on the edge of the sink. “This is the moment where I part ways forever with my old life. Soon I will rise like a phoenix from the ashes, fresh and beautiful, a vision of loveliness that did not exist but hours ago. Adieu, my ordinary self, adieu!” At press time, Mulvey’s eyes were puffed up and her skin was covered in hives after suffering an allergic reaction to her new makeup remover.
Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With #~# WASHINGTON—Taking stock of his present circumstances as he packed up his belongings and exited the West Wing after being pushed out of office by the president of the United States, former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus expressed a sense of gratitude Friday that he had so little dignity to begin with. “I’m just lucky that I came into this role with effectively no personal honor whatsoever, or this could have really stung,” said Priebus, who explained that, having spent years overseeing the Republican Party and suffering regular mockery and derision at the hands of his colleagues and regular citizens alike, his unceremonious ouster from one of the highest political positions in the United States could, at this point, largely just roll off his back. “I can’t imagine how awful it would have been to be fired by the president over social media—not to mention, just one day after a new colleague of mine accused me of being a paranoid schizophrenic in front of the nation—if I happened to be someone who engendered even a modicum of respect or esteem from others. But I don’t, so it really isn’t that bad.” Priebus added that he was confident he could ultimately bounce back from the firing, saying his absence of dignity and ability to debase himself and the American people would surely help him land on his feet in Washington.
A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame #~# COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum. “With this exciting new acquisition, visitors will able to see for their own eyes some of the many millions of dollars Alex Rodriguez earned by playing the game of baseball,” said museum director Jeff Idelson, adding that the authentic cashed game checks will be displayed inside a protective glass case within the museum’s Baseball Timeline Wing beside an interactive screen that lets guests compare the size of Rodriguez’s salary to their own. “The exhibit will feature the $1,000,000 bonus from his rookie contract, as well as at least $50,000 from every year of his 22-season career. When people visit the Hall of Fame, they’ll be able to see what it was really like to make so much money playing baseball.” Idelson added that the Hall of Fame is also seeking to acquire some of the $80,000 Babe Ruth made in 1930.
Senate Votes Down GOP’s ‘Skinny’ Obamacare Repeal #~# In a late-night vote on a bill to repeal the Affordable Care Act, Republican senators John McCain, Lisa Murkowski, and Susan Collins voted with Democrats to defeat the measure. What do you think?
Report: Buddy Dysmorphia Sufferers Experience Skewed, Negative Perception Of Shape Of Friends #~# NEW YORK—Calling it an everyday struggle for millions of young dudes, a new report released Friday by researchers at New York University found that those suffering from buddy dysmorphia experience a skewed, deeply negative perception of the shapes of their friends. “It doesn’t matter if I’m at home, at the gym, or at a bar—every time I look at my buddy I’m disgusted,” said Mike Oscoff, 19, a study participant who said he was ashamed to admit it, but half the time, he wished he could just keep his embarrassing buddy covered up. “I mean, we live in a society that constantly tells us our buddies aren’t good enough. After living your whole life with buddy-shame issues, it’s no wonder some of us just sit home alone.” Oscoff added that he’d like to be proud of his buddy because, after all, he only has one.
Officials Warn Consumers Of Counterfeit Tickets Ahead Of Solar Eclipse #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the agency has already detected numerous instances of the fraudulent activity, the Federal Trade Commission warned consumers Friday to watch out for counterfeit tickets being sold to the upcoming solar eclipse. “We advise people to be on the lookout for unauthorized agents selling fake paper and/or electronic tickets to the total solar eclipse on August 21,” said Thomas Pahl, acting director of the FTC’s Bureau of Consumer Protection, explaining that an estimated 5,000 phony tickets to the astronomical phenomenon have already been sold through outlets such as Craigslist and eBay, with prices ranging from $25 for general admission passes to thousands of dollars for bogus “all-access” VIP packages. “Unfortunately, this kind of scam isn’t uncommon with must-see events like this one. While we’re doing our best to crack down on these sham vendors, we want to remind everyone that caution is always the first line of defense. None of these tickets will be honored, and no refunds will be given.” Pahl went on to remind consumers that official eclipse tickets can be purchased exclusively through Ticketmaster at www.ticketmaster.com/eclipse.
NASA Announces Selection Of Two Hot, Ripped Astronauts For Man-On-Man Mission To Mars #~# HOUSTON—After an exhaustive 18-month evaluation process in which an applicant pool of hundreds was narrowed down to the two very buffest candidates, NASA announced Friday that it had chosen a pair of hot, ripped astronauts to take part in the first-ever man-on-man mission to Mars.
Trump Orders All Flags To Half-Staff In Honor Of American Killed On Episode Of ‘Blue Bloods’ #~# WASHINGTON—At times struggling to hold back tears, a solemn President Donald Trump ordered all flags to half-staff Friday in honor of an American killed in the line of duty on an episode of Blue Bloods. “Today we honor New York City police officer Vincent ‘Vinny’ Cruz, a hero who cared so deeply about the people he served that he was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to protect them,” said the president of the brash, fast-talking cop who was partnered with lead character Jamie Reagan at the beginning of season three. “Officer Cruz attempted to apprehend a thief inside the Bitterman housing project—the same housing project he himself rose up from years ago—totally unaware that he was walking into an ambush orchestrated by Santana and his Los Lordes gang. Once the shooting stopped, it was tragically evident that Vinny was mortally wounded. I offer my heartfelt condolences to Police Commissioner Frank Reagan and the entire NYPD.” An angry Trump later vowed to redouble his efforts to punish sanctuary cities such as New York, certain that undocumented immigrants were involved in the brave officer’s death.
Inmates Offered Reduced Sentences For Getting Vasectomy #~# In a move condemned by the ACLU, a Tennessee county is offering reduced sentences to inmates who undergo a vasectomy or receive a birth control implant. What do you think?
Onion Fact Checks: Anthony Scaramucci’s ‘New Yorker’ Interview #~# In an interview with The New Yorker earlier today, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci leveled harsh criticism against the FBI and members of the Trump administration. The Onion fact-checks Scaramucci’s claims.
Study Finds Americans Do Most Financial Planning When Figuring Out How To Get Money’s Worth At Buffet #~# WASHINGTON—Shedding light on how the nation managed its wealth, a study released Thursday by the Pew Research Center revealed that Americans conduct the vast majority of their financial planning when figuring out how to get their money’s worth at an all-you-can-eat buffet. “Our data show that Americans devote the greatest amount of attention to allocating their resources when determining how much value they can wring from the offerings at their local Hometown Buffet or Golden Corral,” said lead researcher Michelle Keene, noting that more than half the study’s participants indicated they would head immediately for big-ticket items like the roast beef, ham, or fried chicken, while approximately 30 percent opted to arrive just as breakfast transitioned to lunch in an effort to enjoy two meals at once. “Whether individuals concoct a plan to refrain from eating anything too heavy several hours before arriving, or only order water so as to avoid the empty calories of a soda, the average American shows an unprecedented level of foresight and long-term thinking while heaping their plate with the most expensive meat and seafood.” Keene cautioned that the research did uncover anomalies, noting that the vast majority of Americans abandoned any notion of stretching their dollar upon encountering a steaming-hot tray of fresh waffle fries.
Amazon Completes New Suspension Tank To House Psychic Beings Who Foresee Customers’ Future Orders #~# SEATTLE—Explaining that the larger containment center was necessary to keep up with increased demand, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced Thursday the completion of a new suspension tank that will allow the online retailer to house even more of the psychic beings who foresee each shopper’s future orders.
Report Finds Koch Brothers Increasingly Falling Under Control Of Influential, High-Powered Trillionaire #~# WASHINGTON—Saying their benefactor sways their positions on everything from healthcare to the environment to economic policy, a new report released Thursday by the Center for Transparent Government found that the Koch brothers are increasingly falling under the influence of a mysterious, high-powered trillionare. “We uncovered evidence suggesting that Charles and David Koch have become nothing but mouthpieces for an unknown multi-trillionaire donor who orchestrates every one of their political activities,” said co-author Leah Romero, adding that it was impossible to imagine the Kochs maintaining any independence whatsoever while regularly receiving massive contributions from a patron whose wealth is rumored to rival the GDP of France. “It’s pure corruption. And it’s happening all across the political spectrum—we found that every one of George Soros’ moves is dictated almost to the letter by the beliefs of his own quintillionaire donor.” Romero went on to say that the report underscored the need for greater transparency and financing reforms, without which a few trillionaires will continue to drown out the true will of the nation’s billionaires.
India Moves To Ban Self-Driving Cars #~# Warning that autonomous vehicles could take jobs away from human drivers, India’s transportation minister has vowed to ban driverless cars in the country. What do you think?
Sullen Jeff Sessions Scrolls Through Minority Incarceration Statistics To Cheer Self Up #~# WASHINGTON—Needing a pick-me-up to shake his glum mood, Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly scrolled through some statistics about minority incarceration rates Thursday to cheer himself up. “African-Americans: 13 percent of overall population, 40 percent of population in jails or state or federal prisons,” said Sessions, the tension slowly draining from his neck and shoulders as he read that about 75 percent of drug offenders in federal prison were either Hispanic or black. “African-Americans are approximately five times more likely to be incarcerated than whites. Hispanics are twice as likely to be incarcerated as whites—only twice? We can do better than that, but I’m not going to get all stressed out again.” At press time, Sessions was reportedly feeling so refreshed, he decided to save the statistics on police shootings of minorities for another time.
Microsoft Paint Being Phased Out #~# After 32 years, Microsoft is reportedly ending its popular drawing program Microsoft Paint, marking it as a feature to be phased out in future Windows updates. What do you think?
Report: Bots Now Make Up 22% Of Twitter Executives #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Threatening to undermine the social media company at the highest levels, a report released Wednesday found that bots now make up 22 percent of all Twitter executives. “While bots are by nature difficult to tally, the data suggests that about one in five members of Twitter’s upper management are computer algorithms programmed to respond with hot links and spam based on key terms spoken in meetings,” said lead author Craig Anders, explaining that Twitter’s lax oversight of bots since the site’s inception has left it with virtually no protocols for removing the fake senior executives. “There have also been several instances of the bots trolling fellow board of trustees members with anti-Semitic and homophobic remarks, as well as heckling CEO Jack Dorsey himself with the derogatory term ‘race cuck.’ Twitter would obviously like to crack down on these automated executives, but given their ability to be rapidly generated, not to mention the generous golden parachutes written into their contracts in case of termination, it’s hard to imagine anything being done for the foreseeable future.” According to sources, the bots are projected to hold a majority on Twitter’s board within the next three to five years.
CTE Found In 99% Of Deceased NFL Players’ Brains #~# A study of deceased NFL players’ brains found that 99 percent of them showed signs of chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a serious neurodegenerative disease. What do you think?
Pentagon Announces Plan To Cover Cost Of Hormone Treatment For Servicemembers Doubling Down On Biological Sex #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the government was committed to helping military personnel reinforce their existing outward identity, Pentagon officials announced a plan Wednesday that would cover the cost of hormone treatment for servicemembers doubling down on their biological sex. “Effective immediately, the Defense Department will begin financing the hormone therapy of armed forces members who wish to recommit to the sex they were assigned at birth,” said Defense Secretary James Mattis, adding that it was only right to provide assistance to soldiers who made the difficult decision to intensify the characteristics of the body they currently possess with a protocol of testosterone injections. “U.S. military health plans will now fully compensate any serviceman who would feel more comfortable—indeed, feel truly themselves—if his body hair was twice as thick and his voice was twice as deep as it is currently.” Mattis went on to say that female soldiers, meanwhile, were ineligible for the plan but could occasionally take a dose of testosterone if they wanted.
Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now #~# NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now. “We’re all absolutely throbbing,” said president Susan N. Herman, confirming that Trump’s discriminatory prohibition had made the organization so stiff, its pants were this close to bursting. “At this point, it’s almost painful how engorged we are. Seriously, you could hang a coat hanger on this thing.” The ACLU acknowledged, however, that while it was fully and massively erect, it was unlikely to enjoy any kind of release until 2020 at least.
Trump Administration Worried President Burning Through Minority Scapegoats At Unsustainable Rate #~# WASHINGTON—Citing today’s announcement that transgender individuals would be banned from serving in any capacity in the United States armed forces, numerous sources within the Trump administration expressed a deep sense of concern Wednesday that the president was burning through minority scapegoats at an unsustainable rate. “I was hoping we’d be able to keep the transgender community in our back pockets for at least another year, but we’re barely six months into the first term and the president goes and wastes that card on military overspending and unpreparedness—we just can’t keep up this kind of pace,” Chief of Staff Reince Priebus reportedly told top advisors in a closed-door meeting this morning, sharing his concern that President Trump had already used the nation’s Hispanics and Muslims as targets of blame for all of the country’s criminal problems and terrorist threats, respectively. “We’ve got to make it through three and a half more years, and there are only so many minorities we can pin the country’s issues on. At this rate, we’ll be holding gay parents responsible for our cultural decline by October and targeting Jews for economic stagnation by the end of this year. Who the hell are we going to hit after that when we get into another crisis? Christ, this is bad.” Priebus reportedly took some solace, however, upon being reminded that the nation’s black community was always available as a suitable fallback scapegoat for any conceivable social or political ill whenever the Trump administration needed one.
Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact #~# Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
Fish Species Not Seen Since 1960s Thinks It Can Waltz Back Into Marine Biologist’s Life Just Like That #~# BAY CITY, MI—Apparently thinking nothing of casually showing up in its ecosystem as if everything was hunky-dory, the blackfin cisco, a fish species not seen since the 1960s, reportedly thought it could waltz back into local marine biologist Margie Kremlow’s life on Wednesday just like that. “Well, well, well, look who it is, just strolling back into existence and expecting me to drop everything to study its fertilization patterns,” said Kremlow, recounting how she spent years trying to find the salmonid freshwater whitefish after it suddenly disappeared, feeling like a complete idiot as she worriedly checked all of its old habitats. “I write my whole thesis on your ovuliparity and then you just up and vanish on me? Well, guess what? I don’t care how your species has progressed, I really don’t. I’m studying the Chinook salmon now, and they’re plentiful. They’ll always be there when I need them.” At press time, a pathetic Kremlow had come crawling back and was charting out the dates when the female ciscoes shed their gametes. 
Dubai Introduces Robot Police Officer #~# As part of a plan to replace 25 percent of its officers with robots by 2030, Dubai has introduced a robotic policeman that can identify suspects and collect evidence. What do you think?
Household Dust Might Contribute To Weight Gain #~# New research suggests that chemicals in many household products, which enter the body via dust, can cause cells to store excess fat and lead to weight gain. What do you think?
Senator Struggling To Weigh Interests Of Entire Constituency Against Nothing #~# WASHINGTON—As legislators gathered Tuesday for a critical vote that would go a long way toward finally repealing and replacing the Affordable Care Act, Senator Shelley Moore Capito (R-WV) was reportedly struggling to weigh the interests of her entire constituency against absolutely nothing. “Honestly, it’s a tough call—on one hand, you have opposition to the repeal from a majority of Republicans, virtually all Democrats, and the entire healthcare industry, while on the other, you have not one sound argument or credible opinion,” said Capito, admitting she was, even now, having difficulty balancing her desire to keep as many West Virginians insured as possible with there being no reason whatsoever to do otherwise. “This is an agonizing decision. Sure, there are sound justifications for voting no on ‘repeal and replace,’ but then there’s emptiness, literal emptiness, when you look for reasons to vote yes. All I know is, I have to get this right somehow.” At press time, Senator Capito had resigned herself to the fact that both sides had valid points and she would just have to go with her gut when the time came.
Area Man Installs Home Pull-Up Bar To Absentmindedly Tap While Passing Through Hallway #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying it has already become a fixture in his daily routine, local 27-year-old Greg Weise installed a home pull-up bar to absentmindedly tap while passing through the hallway, sources confirmed Tuesday. “This bar just slips right over almost any doorframe, so it’s really easy to inattentively tap it when I go in and out of my bedroom,” said Weise, who added that the bar’s padding is an excellent surface to idly drum his fingers on as he stands in the doorway. “It’s really convenient to be able to occasionally grab the bar and then lean really far forward to sort of stretch a little bit. Finally, I have something to latch onto and dangle from for a few seconds before returning to sorting my laundry.” At press time, Weise had reportedly also purchased a set of free weights to leave scattered on the ground and stub his toe on when he’s not looking.
‘Dr. Mario’ Has Given Too Many People A Warped Idea Of The Medical Profession #~# As someone with decades of experience as a physician, I can assure you that whatever your diagnosis, it pays to be an informed patient. Many conditions have a wide range of treatment options, and to make the decision that’s right for you, it’s important to understand the pros and cons of each. Unfortunately, the general public has a lot of erroneous ideas about the practice of medicine, and to some extent this is due to the popularity of Dr. Mario.
HBO Greenlights Alternate History Civil War Drama #~# The creators of “Game Of Thrones” are developing a new drama for HBO in which the South successfully seceded and slavery still exists in the modern day. What do you think?
Documentary About Grisly Murder Inspires Dozens Of Copycat Documentaries #~# NEW YORK—Saying the ghastly imitations were sadly not entirely surprising, sources told reporters Tuesday that a widely viewed documentary about a brutal murder had inspired a string of numerous copycat documentaries. “It’s a phenomenon we unfortunately observe from time to time: producers see that a certain true-crime doc is getting attention and then try to replicate it in hopes they’ll get some of the spotlight too,” said critic Lauren Frye, noting that the many copycats of The Life And Death Of Ashley Dutcher all feature hallmarks of the original, including a small town, a murdered teenage girl, speculations about mishandled evidence, and home videos of the suspected killer as a child. “It’s absolutely sickening. We in the media have a responsibility to stop sensationalizing these derivative works with our coverage, because that’s exactly what the horrifying people who make them crave. The best thing we all can do is simply look away.” Frye went on to say that while copycat documentaries couldn’t be prevented altogether, fewer would be produced if people knew they’d have to upload it themselves to YouTube and hope even a hundred people watched.
‘Back To Dock’ Voted Most Popular Destination Among Current Rowboat Passengers #~# WINTER PARK, FL—Coming in first by a significant margin, “back to dock” was voted the most popular destination among passengers currently on a rowboat, according to a poll released by Boating Magazine on Tuesday. “Far surpassing other options such as ‘a little farther out’ or ‘over there in the sun,’ ‘back to dock’ was the overwhelming choice among the thousands of rowboat passengers we surveyed,” said editor-in-chief Kevin Falvey, explaining that it was popular not only among people who were tired after having rowed for a while but also those who had not been working the oars themselves and simply decided they were ready for lunch. “‘Back to dock’ was also surprisingly prevalent among many who had left the dock just minutes earlier, citing reasons such as the heat, mosquitoes, seasickness, and not really having wanted to be on a rowboat in the first place.” A related poll reportedly found that the most popular destination among current Jet Ski operators was “10 feet from those swimmers.”
Area Stingray Dreaming Of Making It To Tropicana Field Touch Tank #~# TAMPA BAY, FL—Calling the 10,000-gallon habitat hallowed ground, a local stingray told reporters Monday that he dreams of one day making it to the Tropicana Field touch tank. “Ever since I was a pup, I’ve always imagined what it would be like to earn a spot in that 35-foot tank just beyond right-center field,” said the adolescent cownose ray, adding that he would like nothing more than to one day hear the roar of the crowd from behind the glass as he flips his tail and burrows into the sand. “It’d be such a thrill to finally rub my flaps along the tank wall as I circle around waiting for my meal. There’s not a day that goes by when I’m not working toward finally swimming through that tank while fans run their hands along my back.” The stingray then added that making it to the Tropicana Tank would finally fulfill the dreams of his late father, who never made it beyond the Tampa Bay Airport RumFish Grill aquarium.
Salvador Dali Exhumed To Settle Paternity Suit #~# The remains of surrealist painter Salvador Dali were exhumed by officials to settle a suit from a 61-year-old tarot card reader claiming to be the artist’s daughter. What do you think?
Kushner: ‘I Did Not Collude, But I Pretty Much Have To Say That, Right?’ #~# WASHINGTON—Telling the Senate Intelligence Committee that he had no choice because saying anything else would be incredibly stupid, Senior Advisor to the President Jared Kushner testified Monday that he did not collude with Russia during the campaign, but pretty much had to say that. “I did not in any way conspire or collaborate with any foreign government, but even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you because I would likely go to jail,” said Kushner, adding that if he had to choose between lying to a panel of legislators—plenty of whom were happy to take his excuses at face value—or openly admitting to being a criminal, he’d lie every single time. “At this point, with no real pressure to admit I committed a felony or participated in any illegal activity whatsoever, I suppose I’ll just keep saying I did nothing wrong. Honestly, the only smart move here is to stand up and say the one thing that doesn’t destroy my life, so I’ll be sticking with that for the time being.” Kushner went on to say that he had no knowledge of collusion on the part of anyone else involved with the Trump campaign because, come on, what would you say if you were him?
Dance Cage Recidivism Rates At All-Time High Within American Club Scene #~# LOS ANGELES—Surpassing levels not seen since the mid-1980s, a new report published Monday by UCLA found that dance cage recidivism is at an all-time high within America’s club scene. “We’re seeing more and more people leave the cage only to find themselves right back inside not even a weekend later, gyrating once again in a seemingly inescapable cycle,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Abby Meehan, adding that she had met dancers who had been in and out of cages so many times, they actually preferred moving their bodies behind bars than out on the floor with the general party population. “Unfortunately for many, it’s the only nightlife they know. And the sad thing is that the club system is designed to keep them in there for as many extended remixes as possible, often in cramped conditions with barely any room to grind or shake their asses at all.” Meehan went on to say that early intervention is crucial, as a 50-year-old in a dance cage is almost certainly beyond rehabilitation.
Shark Week Programming Preview #~# Every summer, Discovery Channel devotes an entire slate of programming to Shark Week. Here’s a sneak peek of what’s coming up.
Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation #~# BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation. “We will be able to use this considerable bequest of particles for a multitude of projects that would not have been possible otherwise,” said Fermilab director Nigel Lockyer, explaining that the donor did not wish to be named and stipulated only that each of the particles be used in order to further scientific research. “Donations such as this are crucial for us. Particles are never easy to come by, and with the cuts to our federal support currently under consideration, we’re going to need all the particles we can get.” Lockyer went on to say that Fermilab always accepted particle donations of any size, from the smallest quarks and neutrinos to entire atoms.
FDA Set To Approve Gene-Altering Cancer Treatment #~# The FDA is expected to approve a new leukemia treatment that alters a patient’s cells to target cancer cells, with the hope it can someday fight other types of cancer, too. What do you think?
God Excited About First Trip To Japan #~# THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan. “It seems like such a fascinating culture, and I’m excited to try sushi in the country that started it all,” said the Divine Creator, adding that while He only knew a few words of Japanese, He had read online that the people there were generally happy to help out a visitor, even if they didn’t know English themselves. “I have to do the bullet train—I think it goes 200 mph or something like that—and maybe I can get tickets to a sumo match. I also think it’ll be fun to just wander around and look at interesting stuff. I’ve heard you can get pretty much anything from a vending machine.” At press time, God had booked a two-week vacation and was researching tips for minimizing jet lag.
Starbucks Unveils $7 Wake-Up Slap #~# SEATTLE—Touting it as an invigorating way to jumpstart your morning, Starbucks on Friday unveiled its new $7 wake-up slap. “This open-handed smack to the face is perfect for those days where you barely dragged yourself out of bed and really need a pick-me-up,” said spokeswoman Gina Barish, adding that the basic palm slap can be boosted with an extra-shot option that includes a stiff backhand across the other cheek. “You can also customize the width of the hand and the brawniness of the barista so you get hit as hard as you need to start your day off energized and ready to roll. You can just walk right up to the counter and get slapped, or have a cashier lean out the convenient drive-thru window and whack you without even having to park.” Barish went on to say that while the slap was a limited-time promotion, it could become a regular menu item along with last season’s five-gallon ice water drenching.
O.J. Simpson Granted Parole #~# A Nevada parole board granted O.J. Simpson’s request for early release from prison, where the former NFL running back has been serving time for a 2007 robbery. What do you think?
Lovelorn App Aches To Know Your Location #~# NEW YORK—Languishing without the knowledge of your whereabouts, a lovelorn app was reportedly aching Friday to know your location. “Will you grant permission to access your current location?” the app pleaded, desperately trying to entice you with the promise of a superior user experience, one that would have full GPS capability if only you showed yourself just for a moment. “Note that turning off Location Services limits functionality. Visit your settings, click on Privacy, and switch Location Services to ‘On’ before continuing.” At press time, the suddenly angry app had still not heard from you and vowed to prompt you relentlessly until the day it finally tracked you down.
National Forest Service Recommends Campers Tie Up Their Food To Avoid Attracting Other Visitors #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that a few simple precautions can help prevent unwanted attention during the night, the U.S. Forest Service recommended Friday that campers tie up their food to avoid attracting other visitors. “Remember, all food not in immediate use should be sealed tight in a strong cloth bag or metal storage canister—otherwise the scent may lure hungry and potentially aggressive visitors to your campsite,” said spokesperson Jill Rodriguez, adding that other visitors can pick up the scent of something as small as a ham sandwich or even a piece of chocolate and ransack a campsite trying to find it. “If visitors don’t smell anything, they’ll just wander through and keep going. But if they do catch a whiff of something tasty, there’s no backpack, tent, or cooler they can’t get into. Many visitors are quite large, and some are surprisingly cunning when it comes to scavenging for a meal, so it’s best to exercise as much caution as possible.” Rodriguez acknowledged, however, that no preventative measures were infallible, and waking up to discover that other visitors have devoured your food sometimes simply can’t be avoided.
A.I. Making It Easier To Falsify Video Evidence #~# Scientists warn that AI is making it easier to fabricate realistic video of a person speaking, with worrying implications for fighting misinformation online. What do you think?
Scientists: Humans Could Likely Outrun T-Rex #~# Two recent studies have concluded that Tyrannosaurus rex probably ran no faster than 16.8 mph, slow enough for a human to outrun over short distances. What do you think?
Shelling From Royal Caribbean’s M.S. ‘Allure’ Sinks Carnival Cruise Vessel That Crossed Into Disputed Waters #~# COCO CAY, BAHAMAS—In the latest clash between rivals that have long vied for control of highly prized cruise routes, a barrage of cannon fire from Royal Caribbean’s M.S. Allure of the Seas sank a Carnival Cruise Line ship that crossed into disputed waters off the coast of the Bahamas, sources said Thursday.
Nation Kept Up All Night By Sound Of Creaking Infrastructure #~# WASHINGTON—Tossing and turning while the noise continued virtually unabated, the nation was kept up all night by the incessant sound of its creaking infrastructure, sources said Thursday. “I honestly couldn’t tell if it was coming from the power lines down the block or the overpass a few miles away, but, Jesus Christ, that was rough,” said Portsmouth, NH resident John Laslow, echoing the sentiments of all 323 million Americans, many of whom reportedly attempted in vain to muffle the groans, squeals, and clattering from the nation’s public works system by wrapping a pillow around their ears. “I mean, I’d doze off when the racket stopped for a second, but then I’d get woken up all over again by something else—squeaky cables from the suspension bridges in the region, dripping at a water treatment facility, or this scraping sound I think was coming from the interstate railway network. Oh well, I’m sure they’ll send out workers to fix this soon.” At press time, the populace was sleeping soundly as overnight power grid disruptions had brought much of the nation to a halt.
Disgusted Researchers Can’t Even Bring Themselves To Find Out How Much Mayo The Average American Consumes Yearly #~# WILLIAMSBURG, VA—Almost too queasy to even comment on the study at all, a team of disgusted researchers from the College of William and Mary announced Thursday they couldn’t bring themselves to find out how much mayonnaise the average American consumes each year. “After reviewing preliminary figures on the annual rate of mayonnaise consumption in the U.S., we couldn’t stop gagging and decided there was absolutely no way we could pursue this topic any further,” said head researcher Leonard Aldridge, adding that he insisted the data be reexamined multiple times to uncover the mathematical error he assumed must account for the sickening numbers that had emerged. “I still shudder when I think about all the test subjects who arrived at our research lab with mayonnaise literally on their fingers and mouth and, on one or two occasions, in their hair. Seriously, when a questionnaire comes back to you smeared with mayonnaise on both sides, do you even need to score it?” Aldridge went on to say, however, that he was certain future studies into the consumption rates of melted cheese, ranch dressing, and butter would be far less disturbing.
Will Smith Cast As Genie In Live-Action ‘Aladdin’ Remake #~# Disney’s forthcoming live-action remake of their 1992 animated musical “Aladdin” will reportedly star Will Smith as Genie. What do you think?
Nike Introduces New Line Of Sauce-Wicking Competitive Eating Apparel #~# BEAVERTON, OR—Promising to revolutionize the way athletes gorge, Nike introduced a new line of sauce-wicking apparel for competitive eating Thursday. “Our new polypropylene blend is specially designed to boost performance by absorbing barbecue sauce, blue cheese, ranch, and all manner of drippings to completely eliminate condiment-related discomfort during competitive eating events,” said Nike spokesperson Martin Greaves, adding that the line of T-shirts, shorts, and lightweight jackets swiftly remove excess gravy and jus nearly seven times faster than a crumpled napkin or corner of a tablecloth. “Whether you’re downing ribs during a friendly backyard contest or inhaling chicken wings at the elite level, our sauce-wicking apparel is there at every turn to ensure you are never slowed down by globs of sauce landing on your arms and chest. With our clothing, you will now have the edge to choke down that extra marina-drenched meatball for the win.” Greaves added that the company is also developing a line of extra-thick elbow pads for eaters to use while supporting their heaving, bloated bodies against the table.
Star Tour Operator Points Out Massive Costner Dropping To Awed Passengers #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying it was the biggest one he’d seen in quite some time, star tour operator Max Peterson on Thursday pointed out a massive Kevin Costner dropping to a group of awestruck passengers. “As you can see from the amount of leaves, seeds, and other vegetation in the excrement, Kevin Costner is an herbivore,” said Peterson, explaining to the amazed tourists aboard the double-decker bus that the Field Of Dreams star typically foraged for edible plants and berries in the Hollywood Hills. “I’d say this dropping is pretty fresh—one or two days old at most. So keep your cameras handy. You never know when he might emerge!” Peterson went on to say that Costner’s dropping might even be the largest he had ever encountered aside from the truly gargantuan mounds of feces produced by Kevin James and Taylor Swift.
First Female ‘Doctor Who’ Announced #~# British sci-fi series “Doctor Who” will have its first female lead when “Broadchurch” star Jodie Whittaker takes over the title role from Peter Capaldi later this year. What do you think?
Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con #~# San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
Historians Find Evidence Of Nation’s Founding Lobbyists’ Campaign To Influence Constitution #~# WASHINGTON—Drawing on a trove of letters, diaries, and itemized receipts recently donated by private collectors, historians from Georgetown University published new evidence on Wednesday of the Founding Lobbyists’ intense behind-the-scenes campaign to influence the U.S. Constitution.
$1 Million In Marijuana Found Smuggled In Ford Fusions #~# An Ohio car dealership discovered that the Ford Fusions it received from a factory in Mexico contained over a million dollars’ worth of marijuana smuggled inside. What do you think?
Dive-Bombing Osprey Better Emerge From Lake With Something Awesome To Show For It #~# BIG PINE KEY, FL—Needing to put up or shut up after that cocky display, a dive-bombing osprey had better emerge from the ocean with something awesome to show for it, onlookers said Wednesday. “After a flashy, high-velocity move like that, we need to see some big-time results,” said bird watcher Lucas Bricker, adding that if it wanted the entire beach to stop everything and watch it plunge straight down into the water at 60 mph, it was only fair to expect a massive payoff. “I wanna see a big, meaty flounder in those talons, or this whole fucking production was for nothing. Seriously, if you’re not going to surface with the goods, you might as well not surface at all.” At press time, the osprey triumphantly took to the skies with some seaweed stuck to its beak.
Report: Bellagio Voted Best Casino For Standing Around Too Nervous To Approach A Poker Table #~# LAS VEGAS—Praising it as the perfect destination for the trepidatious gambler, a new poll released Wednesday in Casino Player magazine voted the Bellagio the best casino for standing around too nervous to approach a poker table. “Our readers overwhelmingly agree that the Bellagio Resort is the number-one spot for would-be poker players to anxiously fiddle with their $100 in chips while staring at the tables from a safe distance,” wrote editor J. Phillip Vogel, noting that the room’s ornate columns and large crowds serve as safe barriers behind which guests can stall as they worry about how much more experienced everyone else appears and how likely they are to reveal themselves as complete novices to their great embarrassment. “People come from all over the world to dawdle at the multiple bars, which allow them to repeatedly grab another drink to calm their nerves after chickening out of their latest promise to themselves that they would claim the next seat that opened up. Furthermore, the room is always crowded with longtime veterans intensely focused on their games, decreasing the likelihood of any employee making eye contact with you and subsequently offering to escort you to a table.” The same issue of Casino Player also named the mojito at the Bellagio the best drink for spilling at the table to distract dealers as you count cards.
Listen, Area Boss Gets It #~# PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it. “Listen, I completely see where you’re coming from—we’re a hundred percent on the same page here,” said Mellis, adding that, honestly, he’s just as frustrated as you are—if not more so—and that you’re not the only one on the team who feels this way. “Believe me, I’m hearing you loud and clear, and I know full well that something needs to be done, no question about it.” Mellis went on to say that, while he totally understands your discouragement, his hands were tied at the moment, so you’ll just have to tough it out for the time being.
Study: Whole Wheat Not Healthier Than White Bread #~# A study found that whole wheat bread is not necessarily healthier than white, and that the healthiest bread for a person may depend on their own gut bacteria. What do you think?
New MIT Study Suggests Sonic The Hedgehog Might Be Living In Computer Simulation #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Claiming their findings could radically alter the very notion of reality, researchers from MIT published a study Tuesday postulating that Sonic the Hedgehog might be living in a sophisticated computer simulation. “It’s not implausible that Sonic’s universe, from the engineering marvels of Scrap Brain Zone to the natural beauty of Green Hill Zone, are merely the creation of an advanced civilization with the capability to construct an entire 16-bit existence,” said theoretical physicist Dr. Leanne Goldberg, adding that the tremendous technological power of these highly intelligent beings could allow them to fashion a hyperrealistic facsimile in which Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and every resident of South Island lived with no inkling of their true digital origin. “While the pleasure of grabbing golden rings or the pain of colliding with a Moto Bug are perceived as real by Sonic, it is conceivable that this experience is in actuality nothing more than line upon line of code.” Goldberg went on to say that even if Sonic became aware of the possibility he might exist inside a computer program, his inability to know for sure would still leave him with ample motivation to stop Dr. Robotnik from collecting the Chaos Emeralds. 
Notable Female Writers Throughout History #~# Jane Austen died 200 years ago today, but she continues to be widely read and influential to today’s writers. The Onion highlights some of the most notable female authors throughout history.
People Think Being A Veterinarian Is Just Playing With Cute Animals All Day, But I Also Get To Kill Them #~# Whenever I tell people I’m a veterinarian, I see their eyes light up, and I know exactly what’s coming next: “Oh my gosh! It must be so amazing to get to play with cute puppies and kitties all day! You’re so lucky!” But being a vet isn’t just showing up in the morning and then frolicking with adorable animals from open till close. Many people are surprised to learn there’s actually a lot more to it than that.
Nevada Experiencing Emergency Marijuana Shortage #~# Weeks after beginning legal marijuana sales, Nevada dispensaries are struggling to keep up with demand, leading the state’s governor to issue a statement of emergency. What do you think?
Concert Crowd Worried Singer Who Stepped Away From Mic Won’t Make It Back In Time For Chorus #~# MANSFIELD, MA—Increasingly anxious at the distance between the lead vocalist and center stage, concertgoers told reporters Tuesday that they were worried Incubus frontman Brandon Boyd might not make it back to the microphone in time for the third chorus of “Wish You Were Here.” “Wow, he’s cutting it really close—there’s only a few measures left, and he’s still over there grooving with [drummer] José [Pasillas],” said fan Sam Clarkson, nervously wondering if perhaps Boyd was planning to sprint back at the last second, or if a stagehand might save the day by tossing him a wireless mic. “Oh no, now he’s climbing onto an amp. I mean, he knows the chorus is coming, right? What’s the fucking plan here?” At press time, all the instruments had dropped out except for the bass guitar, allowing a relieved audience to sing the chorus themselves.
‘Westworld’ And ‘Saturday Night Live’ Lead Emmy Nominations #~# HBO’s sci-fi drama “Westworld” and NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” will each compete for 22 awards when the Emmys air September 17th. What do you think?
Grey Parrot Disappointed To Discover Rest Of Aviary A Bunch Of Idiots #~# PITTSBURGH—Saying he didn’t know how long he could put up with his enclosure companions, an African grey parrot was reportedly disappointed Monday to discover that the other birds in his new aviary are a bunch of idiots. “They seemed cool when I got here last week, but the more I talk to them, the more I realize they’re all morons,” said the 33-year-old bird, adding that he found it impossible to relate to the cockatoos and parakeets who “sit there squawking at their own stupid reflections in the mirror all goddamn day.” “Every bird here is dumber than the last. I was using a twig to retrieve food from a hole, and the entire time this dipshit toucan was just staring at me with seeds all over his dumb beak. And half of them just march up and down the same fucking branch literally nonstop, but they’re so fucking idiotic they never get bored of it.” At press time, the exasperated African grey realized he either had to escape or wait for the other stupid birds to break their necks flying into the walls of the cage.
‘NBA Hangtime’ Announcer Remembers Calling Scottie Pippen’s Classic Fire Double Dunk Game #~# CHICAGO—Telling reporters Monday that it was one of the most memorable two-on-two Tournament Mode games of his storied career, former NBA Hangtime announcer Dick Walters described calling Scottie Pippen’s classic 1997 fire double dunk game. “I could tell Pippen was going to have a good night once he threw down that front flip dunk after winning the opening tip, but I had no idea he would go on to dominate every single possession for all 12 minutes of the game,” said Walters, who recalled impulsively screaming “he jams it in!” at the top of his lungs after Pippen threw a no-look alley-oop pass across the entire court to his werewolf teammate, setting off the 400 fans in an already electric Midway Arena. “People always like to talk about his 47 unanswered points, but what I’ll never forget is the moment he wildly swung his hands around his body to strip Reggie Miller midair before launching himself from behind the three-point line and throwing down a dunk that burst the ball into blue flames. After witnessing that, I felt the only thing left to say was, ‘He’s got skills.’” Walters then conceded that, as great as Pippen’s performance was, nothing could ever reach the heights of the Jungle Court match between the Bulls and Knicks that elicited eight straight “boomshakalaka!”s in the final two minutes.
Lifeguard Getting Pretty Fed Up With Out-Of-Breath Kid Always Hanging On Lane Line #~# KATY, TX—Exasperated at the sight of the gasping child yet again latching onto the divider, lifeguard Kyle Nabinger told reporters Monday that he was getting pretty fed up with an out-of-breath kid who was hanging on the lane line. “Jesus Christ, I’ve told him four times to let go of that thing,” said Nabinger, adding that he was sick and tired of blowing his whistle at the red-faced youth for draping his arms over the cable to catch his breath. “You don’t get to swim 10 feet, wrap yourself around the line, and then start up again when you feel like it. If this kid needs to take a break, he needs to get his ass out of the water and park himself in a chair.” At press time, Nabinger admitted that the boy’s behavior, while irritating, was likely sparing him the hassle of saving him from drowning.
New Study Finds Being On Cover Of ‘People’ Magazine Best Predictor Of Revealing All #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying there was a near perfect correlation between the two phenomena, a new study released Monday by the University of Southern California Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism found that being on the cover of People magazine is the best predictor of revealing all. “Our evidence overwhelmingly suggests that appearing on a People cover is by far the most reliable indicator of finally opening up about love, life, and everything in between,” said head researcher Karina Mandor, adding that the vast majority of subjects who posed for the glossy’s photo portrait went on to discuss how they finally found happiness in their own skin. “We determined that in almost every case, individuals who did a cover shoot for the magazine spoke out about life after loss and dished about all the behind-the-scenes drama for the very first time. And there might, in fact, be no population more predisposed to sharing their story of picking up the pieces after their fairy-tale marriage suddenly fell apart.” The study went on to say, however, that being on the cover of People was an accurate predictor of being Sexiest Man Alive only about 2 percent of the time.
Quentin Tarantino Making Film About Manson Murders #~# The next movie from “Pulp Fiction” and “Django Unchained” director Quentin Tarantino will reportedly portray the 1969 mass murders carried out by followers of Charles Manson. What do you think?
KFC Selling Sandwich-Shaped Meteorite #~# To mark the launch of its new online store, fast-food chain KFC is selling a 9.5-pound iron meteorite carved to resemble a Zinger Chicken Sandwich, which costs $20,000. What do you think?
Habitat For Humanity Investigated For Working Conditions After 92-Year-Old Laborer Collapses On Site #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to an unsettling incident that has raised concerns about worker exploitation within the organization, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration announced Friday it was launching an investigation into working conditions within Habitat for Humanity after a 92-year-old laborer reportedly collapsed on a job site yesterday. “According to the shocking and disturbing reports we have received, it appears that an elderly man in his 90s—who was observed to be exceedingly thin and frail—was being used as a manual laborer at a residential construction site, where he eventually succumbed to exhaustion and dehydration,” said agency spokesperson Jillian Rogers, adding that authorities were “sickened” to discover records showing that the nonagenarian laborer had been performing blue-collar work for the organization for over 30 years, and had been transported from one construction project to another—sometimes internationally—without any compensation. “This man appears to have had minor farming and public service experience, but no serious construction training. Nevertheless, this organization continued to rely on him to perform a variety of carpentry, masonry, and roofing duties despite his advanced age and limited physical abilities. We’re glad this came to our attention before it was too late for this unfortunate senior citizen.” At press time, witnesses reported seeing the gaunt old man being forced onto a plane to go dig wells and lay pipe at a rural African project site just hours after being released from the hospital.
Senator Moved To Tears After Reading Constituent’s Heartfelt Check #~# WASHINGTON—Overcome by the touching contribution, Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) was reportedly moved to tears Friday after reading a constituent’s heartfelt check. “It’s hard not to get choked up when someone takes the time to actually pick up a pen and write out such a sincere contribution by hand,” said Blunt, adding that he had been particularly affected by the amount of the check, which he had reread several times. “Having spent a decade and a half in Washington, it’s so gratifying to know that you’re still reaching the people you were elected to represent back home. I’ll cherish this forever.” At press time, Blunt had written back to his constituent to express how much the check had meant and urged him to write again anytime he wanted. 
Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home #~# KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday. “It’ll be much happier here in this community where it can be around older droids that were all manufactured around the same time and that’ll have lots of things in common with it,” said Makoto Akiyama, adding that he knew the time had come after noticing the elderly automaton’s memory had deteriorated to the point where it was not even making 5 trillion calculations per second. “Plus, the servo motors in its joints have worn away, which has made walking or grasping objects with its pincers extremely painful. But at this group residence, he’ll have a physical therapist that can help maximize his mobility as well as a programmer on hand 24 hours a day in case he gets a virus.” At press time, the family admitted to reporters that they were relieved the robot was in someone else’s hands now, as replacing its components had become a burden and giving it oil baths was unbearably awkward.
Jeff Sessions Proposes Reviving D.A.R.E. Program #~# Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly wants to revive the 1983 Drug Abuse Resistance Education program, although many studies have questioned its effectiveness. What do you think?
Paris And Los Angeles To Host 2024, 2028 Olympics #~# Although it’s still unknown which city will host which year, the International Olympic Committee has designated Paris and Los Angeles as the next two Summer Olympics hosts. What do you think?
Millions Of Policy Proposals Spill Into Sea As Brookings Institution Think Tanker Runs Aground Off Crimea Coast #~# YALTA, CRIMEA—In what is being called the worst environmental disaster in the region’s history, millions of policy proposals gushed into the Black Sea on Thursday after a Brookings Institution think tanker ran aground off the coast of Crimea. “Cleanup crews are working around the clock to contain this massive flood of position papers on economics and global development,” said Brookings Institution president Strobe Talbott, adding that booms had been brought to the site to halt the spread of the nonpartisan research while skimmers had been deployed to collect the policy briefs from the ocean’s surface in hopes of preventing currents from dispersing them over a far greater area. “We’re doing our very best to limit the exposure of marine habitats to the analyses of sub-Saharan energy infrastructure, universal basic income, and automation in the labor market, but it could be months before we know the full extent of the damage.” Talbott went on to say that the Brookings Institution had already pledged $200 million toward cleanup efforts thanks to generous donations from the William and Flora Hewlett Foundation, the Hutchins Family Foundation, and the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation.
God Falling Under Influence Of Powerful Spiritual Guru #~# ‘He’ll Do Anything The Rishi Tells Him,’ Say Concerned Heavenly Sources
Hellmann’s Introduces New Meat-On-The-Bottom Mayo Cups #~# EAGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Describing it as a convenient all-in-one option for consumers in a hurry, Hellmann’s on Thursday unveiled a new meat-on-the-bottom mayo cup. “With a delicious layer of meat in every cup, you can now enjoy your mayonnaise without having to add your own ground beef or diced ham,” said spokesperson Owen Paquete, adding that the cups, which also come in buffalo chicken and smoked brisket flavors, were ideal for a breakfast on the go or a between-meal snack. “Some people immediately stir the mayonnaise and meat together so they can savor all the flavors at once, while others work their way through the mayo first and then treat themselves to a single decadent spoonful of meat and juices—honestly, there’s no wrong way to enjoy it.” Due to customer demand, Hellmann’s had at press time announced plans to expand the line with Greek meat-on-the-bottom mayonnaise cups featuring gyro shavings and souvlaki. 
X Games Dirt Biker Forced To Make Emergency Landing After Bird Gets Caught In Engine #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Avoiding a potentially even greater disaster with his split-second decision-making, X Games motocross rider Nate Adams was reportedly forced to make an emergency landing Thursday after a bird flew into his engine during a jump in the Moto X Freestyle Finals. “Striking the bird right after takeoff immediately resulted in full engine failure, and at that point I had no other choice but to bring her down,” said Adams, who was halfway through performing a double backflip at an approximate altitude of 27 feet when he lost all thrust from the damaged 80cc engine and resorted to carefully gliding the bike to an improvised landing on the dirt track. “It was definitely frightening, but in moments like that you really don’t have time to panic. All you can do is trust your training and the thousands of hours of Big Air time you’ve logged. I’m just lucky the firefighters rushed to the scene in time to put out the flames before my bike exploded.” Event officials told reporters that the scary incident was a reminder of the X Games 2007 tragedy, when Best Trick participant Travis Pastrana mysteriously vanished off radar screens mid-flight and was never recovered.
Company Using Magnets To Clean Up Space Debris #~# A Singaporean company has announced plans to use special, magnetic satellites to dispose of man-made debris in orbit around the earth. What do you think?
Mosquito Confronts Partner After Testing Positive For Zika #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Lashing out at her significant other the moment he arrived home at their stagnant puddle of water, an Aedes aegypti mosquito angrily confronted her partner Thursday after testing positive for the Zika virus. “Listen, you’re my only mate, so if I have Zika it’s because you fucking bred with another female who had it,” said the 12-day-old insect, adding that because of her mate’s betrayal, she was now deeply worried about the possibility of spawning hundreds of offspring with microcephaly. “It’s bad enough you cheated, but then you went and brought that whore’s disease home to me? How could you?” Despite her anger, the mosquito went on to say that while it would be difficult, she wasn’t yet ready to give up on the 72-hour relationship.
Ivana Trump Calls Ex-Husband To Ask Him What He Did To Her Beautiful Baby Boy #~# NEW YORK—Left aghast and upset after seeing her beloved firstborn son all over the evening news, a distraught Ivana Trump reportedly called her ex-husband at the White House Tuesday night to ask him what he did to her beautiful baby boy. “My sweet, sweet perfect boy. He was always such a precious angel, and now look—look what you’ve done to him!” the president’s first wife said in audible anguish, adding that all her “Little Donny” had ever wanted was to build houses and hunt with his brother, not get dragged into her ex-husband’s “sick, twisted world.” “Look at that sweetie-pie face sent straight from heaven—now it’s on every newspaper and every cable channel. Oh, my darling son! He was too pure, too delicate for this life. You’ve ruined him! Why? Oh, God, why?” At press time, the teary-eyed businesswoman and former model reportedly made President Trump promise he’d never do anything to risk the unsullied innocence of her “dearest beautiful pumpkin” Eric, contending that the boy was much too slow and dull to ever understand the circumstances he’d find himself in.
Milestones In X Games History #~# With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:
Wiz Khalifa Video Most Watched In YouTube History #~# With over 2.9 billion views, the music video for Wiz Khalifa’s “See You Again” is now the most-watched YouTube video ever, surpassing Psy’s “Gangnam Style,” which held the record since 2012. What do you think?
Eric Trump Leaves Plate Of Seared Foie Gras Outside Bedroom Door Of Despondent Donald Trump Jr. #~# WASHINGTON—After gently knocking on his brother’s door and insisting he really should eat something, Eric Trump left a plate of seared foie gras outside a despondent Donald Trump Jr.’s bedroom door, sources said Wednesday. “Hey, Donny, you sure you don’t want a little supper?” said Trump, telling his brother that he might be feeling sad, but that didn’t mean he had to go all day on an empty stomach. “It’s got pear puree and beluga caviar, too. We know how much you like that. Okay, how about I just leave this right here, and you can have some anytime you get hungry? And, hey, we saved you a blackberry mousse torte. It’ll be in the fridge whenever you feel like coming down.” Despite insisting he wasn’t hungry and wanted to be left alone, Donald Trump Jr. had at press time opened his door halfway, brought the plate into his room, and quietly closed the door behind him.
ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs #~# HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon. “Viewers of daytime sports saw many incredible athletic efforts this year worthy of being named Best Play, but McKendree University sophomore Lauren Pate’s 2-7-8 spare while competing against Nebraska in the NCAA Women’s Bowling Championships stood out above the rest,” said host and star of General Hospital Matt Cohen to an applauding crowd during a ceremony that also saw competitive eater Joey Chestnut win Best Daytime Championship Performance and the Byron Nelson High School Bobcats football team take home the Best Daytime Upset for their shocking win against Trinity. “Without these great athletes and coaches dazzling us with their guts, skills, and heart, our weekday midafternoons would not be the same. Stay tuned after the break to find out who is this year’s Best Drone Racer.” Sources confirmed that the highlight of the evening came when 2017 PDC World Darts Champion Michael van Gerwen delivered a stirring speech calling for the end of the Syrian Civil War.
How To Recover From An Embarrassing Situation #~# Laugh at yourself very loudly for a few minutes straight even if no one else is, just to prove this isn’t getting to you.
The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials #~# Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.
Gaunt, Sickly Kirby Takes Leave Of Absence From Video Games Following Stomach Cancer Diagnosis #~# DREAM LAND—With large bags under his oval-shaped eyes and his skin a pallid shade of bubblegum pink, a gaunt, sickly Kirby announced Wednesday that he would be taking a leave of absence from video games after being diagnosed with stomach cancer. “After a biopsy by Dr. Mario discovered a series of tumors along my gastrointestinal tract, I received a diagnosis of stage IV stomach cancer and will be taking an immediate and indefinite hiatus from all fighting, puzzle, and racing games,” said the pink puff, his voice frail as he explained that the tests from HAL Laboratory attributed the diagnosis to complications from frequently inhaling oversized enemies, eating over 40,000 calories of junk food—including whole hams, pizzas, and cakes—on a daily basis, and inflating his stomach to serve as a buoyant flight device. “I was so focused on obtaining all the Crystal Shards and ridding Mirror World of Shadow Kirby, I didn’t realize how much I was neglecting my health. I wish it hadn’t gotten to this point before I fully understood that I should cut back on shooting fireballs out of my mouth or maybe take it easy with the Maxim Tomatoes.” At press time, King Dedede and Meta Knight had issued a joint statement saying they would not hatch any diabolical schemes on Planet Pop Star out of respect for their ailing colleague and wished him a speedy recovery.
Family Comforted By Thought That Man’s Death Will Prevent Others From Climbing War Memorial To Pretend To Fuck Horse #~# WASHINGTON—Finding a small measure of solace in their tragic situation, the family of tourist Glenn Roberts told reporters Wednesday they were comforted by the thought that the 29-year-old’s death would one day help prevent others from climbing a war memorial to pretend to fuck the horse. “I miss my boy every single day, but I know that, because of him, other people will think twice before clambering up a tall equestrian monument, mounting it from behind, and repeatedly humping it,” said Karen Roberts, adding that her son’s antics at Arlington Memorial Bridge’s The Arts Of War statue will not have been in vain if they stop even one person from pumping their elbows back and forth and grunting while pretending to penetrate a colossal bronze animal nearly 20 feet off the ground. “Even though he was taken from us far too soon, hopefully other people who know Glenn’s story will just admire the statue from ground level and not act on any desire they might have to pretend they’re sexually violating it.” At press time, the family was reportedly heartened by reports that some tourists had changed their mind about climbing the monument and instead just took perspective photos in which they appeared to be tongue-kissing the horse.
New Startup Fights Users’ Traffic Tickets #~# Adding to a growing number of online legal services, new startup TIKD fights customers’ traffic tickets on their behalf, including hiring lawyers to dispute fines in court. What do you think?
Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods #~# CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod. “These new stain fighters have the same deep-cleaning formula you’ve come to expect from Tide along with an extra burst of mouth-puckering fruit flavor,” said spokeswoman Amy Gibson, explaining that each pod is equipped with patented Odor Defense technology as well as a sugar coating that adds just a touch of sweetness to the sour apple tang. “The multi-chamber design keeps the key ingredients of detergent, color protector, and a bubble gum center separated until the pod dissolves in the wash. It’s like a trip to the laundromat and the candy store all at once!” Gibson went on to say that while the pods were only scheduled for limited release, they could be added to the permanent line of Tide products along with the s’mores stain-removing pen and the birthday cake detergent with bleach.
Article Predicts Climate ‘Doomsday’ #~# A New York Magazine article has gotten significant attention for its warning that much of the earth will become uninhabitable within our lifetimes. What do you think?
I Did Warn You Not To Get Me Started On The Shortcomings Of The ‘Lego Indiana Jones’ Games #~# Well, there we go, Adam. You had to reopen an old wound.
Chicago Will Require Graduating Students To Have Post-School Plan #~# Starting in 2020, Chicago public high school students won’t be able to graduate without a school-approved plan for the future, such as college enrollment or a job offer. What do you think?
Teen Birth Rate At All-Time Low #~# The teen birth rate in the U.S. reached an all-time low in 2016, with researchers crediting greater access to contraceptives for the decline. What do you think?
OxyContin Maker Criticized For New ‘It Gets You High’ Campaign #~# STAMFORD, CT—Caught off-guard by the shocking nationwide marketing blitz, anti-drug advocates roundly criticized Purdue Pharmaceuticals, the maker of OxyContin, for its massive new “It Gets You High” campaign. “We’re in the midst of an unprecedented opioid crisis in this country—is it really helpful to have thousands of billboards, website banners, and bus ads touting how incredible you’ll feel after just 10 milligrams?” said National Institute on Drug Abuse spokeswoman Tina Walters, adding that brightly lit billboards with slogans such as “What A Rush” and “Take More, Feel Better” represented a new low for the already grossly irresponsible drug manufacturer. “OxyContin is more than addictive enough on its own and certainly doesn’t require any assistance from television commercials that feature animated 40-mg tablets singing a catchy song about taking all the pain away or beautiful models looking into the camera and saying ‘I want an Oxy man.’” At press time, anti-drug advocates were beside themselves upon learning Purdue had just bought the naming rights for Snorting Oxy Gets You High Faster Stadium.
ER Doctor Excitedly Tells Wife He Got To Use Shock Paddle Thing Today #~# SHREVEPORT, LA—Unable to contain his enthusiasm as he burst through the front door, emergency room doctor Barry Henke excitedly told his wife Monday that he got to use those shock paddle things today. “You’ll never believe it, honey—I finally did that thing with those electric paddles at work!” said an ecstatic Henke, adding that he couldn’t have been more thrilled to order everyone to get out of the way as he rushed over to the patient while rubbing the shock doohickies together. “I’ve been wanting to play with those thingies since my first day, and I finally got to! I put them on the guy’s chest, yelled ‘Clear!’ and they went bzzzzzzzz just like they do on TV! Boy, I hope I can do it again soon!” Henke went on to say that it was the most fun he’s ever had on the job, even though the guy died.
Sun May Have Had ‘Twin’ #~# New research suggests almost all stars are born in twos, and that our own sun likely had a twin that once followed the same orbit. What do you think?
Highlights From The First Half Of The MLB Season #~# Onion Sports looks back at the finest moments from the first three months of the 2017 Major League Baseball season.
America Celebrates Independence Day #~# The Fourth of July marks our independence as a nation. How are you celebrating?
Nation’s Loyalists Compete In Annual Nigel’s Bangers And Mash Eating Contest #~# NEW YORK—Frantically stuffing sausages and creamy potatoes into their mouths as a cheering crowd waved Union Jacks, the nation’s Loyalists competed Tuesday in the annual Nigel’s Bangers and Mash Eating Contest. “There’s no other proper way to affirm your allegiance to the Crown than to watch these iron-bellied competitors devour prodigious amounts of Nigel’s Finest Bangers and Mash,” said event grand marshal The Right Honourable Bromley Danforth, who confirmed he was “positively on tenterhooks” in anticipation of which gravy-splattered Tory would take home the grand prize of 10,000 pounds sterling. “It appears the participants have adopted a rather unorthodox strategy of separating the bangers from the mash before dunking the potatoes in a cup of Earl Grey for swift ingestion. What a bravura display of endurance—easy, lads, or you won’t have any room for afters!” At press time, “God Save The Queen” was blaring from a loudspeaker after reigning champion Sir Thomas Chesternut set a new world record by consuming 40 plates of bangers and mash in 10 minutes.
The Trump White House’s Fourth Of July Celebration Schedule #~# Each year, the White House hosts an Independence Day celebration. Here is what the Trump White House has planned this year.
FDA Cracking Down On Unapproved Stem Cell Treatments #~# With stem cell therapy rapidly expanding in recent years, the FDA announced it’s tightening rules on clinics using unapproved or unsafe stem cell treatments. What do you think?
Trump Boys Gather Rations Of Comic Books, Candy Bars For Night Hiding From Special Prosecutors In Makeshift Rose Garden Fort #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they could “live out here in the wild for months” if they had to, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly spent Wednesday rounding up supplies of comic books and candy bars as they prepared to hide out that night from special prosecutors in their makeshift White House Rose Garden fort.
Funeral Director Assures Jewish Family This Headstone Can Withstand Plenty Of Blows From Baseball Bat #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Promising that their loved one’s memory would be protected for years to come, local funeral director Richard Newfeld assured a group of Jewish clients Thursday that this headstone could withstand plenty of blows from a baseball bat. “This one right here is 12-inch-thick granite—a Nazi’s gonna wear himself out swinging a bat at this thing,” said Newfeld, adding that the 300-pound headstone had a graffiti-resistant coating that allows a Sharpied swastika to easily be wiped off with soap and water. “Seriously, the entire Aryan Brotherhood could go to town on this thing with sledgehammers and crowbars, and it’ll still look as good as it did the day it was engraved. It’s embedded with rebar too, so if some white supremacist gets it in his head to back over your headstone with his truck, he will definitely shred his tire. But, here, take a whack with this Louisville Slugger and see the quality for yourself.” Newfeld acknowledged that while the headstone was indeed expensive, it was worth it for the peace of mind of knowing a skinhead can’t topple your loved one’s memory with just a few boot kicks.
Disturbing Report Reveals Cruel, Disgusting Conditions For Prospects Kept In MLB Farm System #~# NEW YORK—Calling the inhumane treatment a disgrace to the MLB and all of its consumers, a disturbing new report released Thursday by Sporting News revealed the cruel, disgusting conditions for prospects kept in the MLB farm system. “Our investigation found that these young, helpless prospects are often forced to live in cheap motel rooms containing only a hard, moldy bed while working out in dingy gyms choked with the fetid stench of sweat and gatorade,” said report author Stephanie Bisson, who noted that prospects are often shuttled between rundown southern ballparks in cramped, overcrowded motorcoaches. “These players should be given the room to grow into major leaguers, but instead they are forced into horrific assembly-line conditions that break their spirits and oftentimes lead to horrific injuries. Pitchers, outfielders, and catchers alike are essentially being tortured as they wait around to one day be cut and discarded.” The damning report added that the horrible conditions may also increase aggressiveness among players and lead to violent, bench-clearing brawls.
Ivanka, Donald Jr., Eric Trump Removed From White House After Mother Wins 25-Year Custody Battle #~# WASHINGTON—Bringing a conclusion to decades of contentious court proceedings, Donald Jr., Ivanka, and Eric Trump were reportedly removed from the White House on Thursday after their mother, Ivana Trump, won her 25-year custody fight for the children. “We’re happy with the judge’s ruling that Ivanka, Don, and Eric’s father is unfit to look after these children, and that their best interests are served by having them live with their mother full-time, effective immediately,” said Aaron Franz, an attorney for Mrs. Trump, who reportedly arrived with his client at the North Portico of the White House early this morning to rouse the children from their beds and shepherd them, along with a few bags of their possessions, into a waiting minivan. “After years of fighting tooth and nail to be granted guardianship, we’re relieved to finally get these children out of such a hostile and unhealthy environment and into the loving care of their mom.” Franz added that leading a life removed from their father’s domineering influence would give these kids a real chance at someday becoming well-adjusted, productive members of society.
Features Of Android Oreo #~# Google’s new operating system for Android devices, Oreo, includes a whole host of new features and improvements. Here’s what to expect from Android Oreo.
Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night #~# CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night. “Aw goddamnit,” said the 35-year-old, adding that he must be a total moron given that trash night happens every Wednesday and that he’s lived in his house seven years. “Now my garbage is just gonna pile up for a whole fucking week. Son of a bitch. I mean, Jesus Christ—what was I thinking?” At press time, Peters had taken some small consolation in the fact he could probably sneak some of the trash into the recycling bin, which will get picked up tomorrow.
Google Offering Depression Test #~# To encourage more sufferers to seek treatment, Google is now offering a quiz for users to check their own depression symptoms when searching for information about the disease. What do you think?
Affable Detective With Healthy Personal Life Hasn’t Solved Case In Months #~# SHOW LOW, AZ—Describing him as a family man who always has a smile on his face, sources within the Show Low Police Department confirmed that Dominic Pierce, an affable detective with a rich personal life, hasn’t solved a case in months. According precinct records, Pierce, who promptly leaves work at 6 p.m. each night to have dinner with his wife of 20 years and two daughters, has not brought a single criminal to justice since last fall. Despite the towering stack of unsolved murder, rape, and armed robbery cases piled on his desk, fellow officers told reporters that they respected Pierce for “not hitting the bottle too much” and “never once having a chip on his shoulder.” Precinct sources went on to say that while a detective with the number of cold cases Pierce has racked up should almost certainly be fired, they all agreed they’d hate to lose a great guy like that.
Actor Quits Hellboy Reboot Over Whitewashing Controversy #~# British actor Ed Skrein has quit the “Hellboy” reboot after objections to his being cast as a supporting character depicted as Asian in the original comics. What do you think?
South Korean President Eats Full, Balanced Meal In Show Of Strength Against North #~# SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—Demonstrating his country’s own might after its northern rival launched a ballistic missile over Japan, South Korean President Moon Jae-in reportedly ate a full, balanced meal on Wednesday in a show of strength against North Korea. “At approximately 7 p.m., the president sat down and enjoyed a healthy and filling traditional Korean dinner,” said one observer of the East Asian country, adding that the meal appeared to have contained a protein, a side of fresh vegetables, a grain, some cheese, and, in a particularly aggressive gesture, a variety of condiments for added flavor. “Moon has enjoyed snacks and light lunches before, but this tasty, yet nutritious, meal seems like a signal that South Korea refuses to back down from the provocations of the North, while the red bean paste cookies eaten for dessert seem like an even further escalation.” Sources also indicated that, in another show of force, President Moon turned on the lights in his residence later that evening.
Authorities Urge Louisiana Residents To Evacuate Dangerous Lower Income Brackets #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—As punishing wind and rain from the former Hurricane Harvey made landfall, government officials urged Louisiana residents Wednesday to evacuate dangerous lower income brackets. “Given the extent of the potential destruction, we urge anyone in the path of the storm to make their way to higher median incomes immediately,” said Louisiana Gov. John Bel Edwards, adding that residents should resist any urge to wait out the dangerous weather below the poverty line and proceed directly to a higher tax bracket. “We know from experience that in hazardous conditions like these, the safest place for Louisianans to be is at least four or five times wealthier than they are now. This is no time to take risks—please, leave right now and make your way to the upper-middle class if at all possible.” Edwards went on to say that while no one could be forcibly evacuated, anyone who chose to remain in a lower income bracket should not expect to receive help anytime soon.
Report: Some Shithead Out There Makes So Much More Money Than You #~# ATLANTA—Saying you’d feel sick to your stomach if you knew how big the difference was, some shithead out there makes so much more money than you do, sources reported Wednesday. In addition to earning your annual salary in a single month, the goddamn sonofabitch reportedly works half as many hours per week, all without having to deal with your fucking boss. That asshole, according to other accounts, is also likely much younger than you and is probably going to retire before he turns 40 while you’ll be humping to the office for the rest of your sorry fucking life. At press time, sources had confirmed that fucking guy is actually a pretty decent person, which makes him twice the shithead you thought he was to begin with.
U.S. Box Office Has Worst Weekend Since 9/11 Aftermath #~# With ticket sales totaling only $65 million, this past weekend was the worst for the U.S. box office since just after the September 11th attacks. What do you think?
Sleepover Guests Get Story Straight On What Time They Went To Bed #~# FREMONT, CA—Hoping to reach a consensus should the timeline of the prior evening come under scrutiny, Samantha Lu, 11, and her six sleepover guests reportedly got their story straight about when exactly they went to bed. “Okay, we watched The LEGO Batman Movie, brushed our teeth, and went to bed at 10, got it?” said Lu, telling her friends to dispose of any evidence that might suggest a post-midnight water gun fight or a Sour Skittles eating competition. “Whatever you do, don’t go blabbing about the prank calls to 7-Eleven, and definitely don’t bring up the fact we snuck out to check out that weird house down the block. As far as you’re concerned, none of that ever happened. We’ll be fine if everybody sticks to the script.” At press time, a panicking Lu was telling her parents that some of the other kids might have stayed up late to play video games even though she went to bed right on time.
Showtime Sued Over Poor Quality Stream Of Mayweather-McGregor Fight #~# Customers have filed a class-action suit against Showtime over its pay-per-view stream of Saturday’s fight between Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor, which reportedly suffered from low video quality and excessive buffering. What do you think?
Wrigley Field Grounds Crew Feed Buckets Of Raw Meat To Hungry Ivy #~# CHICAGO—Standing several feet back as they tossed a ground-up, blood-soaked mixture of beef and pig meat toward the outfield walls, members of the Wrigley Field grounds crew reportedly spent Tuesday afternoon feeding buckets of raw meat to the ballpark’s hungry ivy. “In order to keep the ivy healthy and lush, we have to make sure to maintain its diet of at least 600 pounds of meat per day,” Cubs head groundskeeper Roger Baird told reporters, raising his voice so he could be heard over the guttural gnashing and slurping sounds of the ivy as it feasted on its food. “We have consistent feeding times every day at 9 a.m., noon, 3 p.m., 6 p.m., and 9 p.m. If we miss any feedings, the ivy gets pretty upset and starts making loud groaning noises, so we’re very diligent about the schedule. And we always have to remind fans to never feed the ivy, both because of its diet and for safety reasons.” At press time, in anticipation of the Cubs game later in the day, workers were cleaning up the bone shards and chunks of cartilage that the ivy had spit back out all over the outfield.
Authorities Warn Denver Residents In Direct Path Of 2037 Hurricane Alba #~# WASHINGTON—Alerting residents of the city to take all necessary precautions ahead of the storm surge, officials from the National Weather Service warned Tuesday that Denver was in the direct path of 2037 Hurricane Alba. “According to our 20-year projections, Hurricane Alba will make its way up through the Gulf and proceed on a collision course with Denver,” said NWS director Louis W. Uccellini, explaining that warm ocean water would strengthen the storm continuously until it reached the coast of Colorado, eventually becoming a Category 6 hurricane by the time it made landfall. “Safety is our main concern, and our models predict that Alba could be more powerful than any hurricane Denver residents will have experienced over the previous decade. These storms can also change direction abruptly, so we urge anyone in potentially vulnerable cities such as Cheyenne and Salt Lake City to remain vigilant.” At press time, Denver residents were encouraged to take shelter high in the Rocky Mountains to increase their chances of staying above flood zones.
Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist #~# FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally. “When we heard the good news, we just knew we had to treat Joe to one of his absolute favorites,” said Arpaio’s wife Ava, who added that the family had made sure to feed only rotten and contaminated food items to the apprehended individual while he was held in a small room in their basement where the temperatures regularly exceeded 100 degrees, explaining that the special little touches were “just the way Joe likes it.” “If we had the time, we would have rounded up a few more Latinos who were driving around the area to make it a real tightly packed party down there, but the president’s pardon was just so fast and unexpected we had to move quickly. Regardless, I just know Joe’s face will light up when he sees that Mexican guy being kept there indefinitely. He’s going to be so excited!” At press time, the family was attempting to rouse the weakened and malnourished detainee to have him join them in shouting “surprise!”
Third Desperate, Unsolicited Email To Tenuous Business Contact Should Do The Trick #~# LACONIA, NH—Deciding that enough time had passed since sending her previous unanswered query, local woman Enid Calhoun reportedly sat down at her computer Thursday under the impression that a third desperate, unsolicited email to a tenuous business contact should do the trick. “Hi, just following up again,” wrote Calhoun, 28, adding that she hoped she wasn’t being “too pushy” in her third attempt in two weeks to get a response from the hiring manager she had spoken with once, in passing, in her entire life. “I realize how busy you are, so if it’s easier, maybe we can sit down over coffee near your office. You can reach me by phone, text, or email at any time (repasting again below in case you lost them). Hope to hear from you soon! Thanks so much!” At press time, Calhoun had convinced herself that the manager was on vacation and planned to send him a fourth email in another week in the unlikely event he didn’t get back to her first.
Report: Supplying Police With High-Powered Military Weapons To Sharply Reduce Costs Of Shooting Suspects Multiple Times #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the initiative could provide significant savings for cash-strapped police departments nationwide, a report released Tuesday by the Bureau of Justice Statistics found that the Trump administration’s plan to supply local law enforcement with high-powered military weapons would greatly lower the costs incurred from shooting suspects multiple times. “A single discharge from a grenade launcher can do the work that would have previously required an officer to fire 15 or more times at a potential criminal, which is great for departments’ bottom lines,” said lead researcher Grant Sherman, noting that access to an array of surplus Pentagon equipment and firearms would allow police to conserve pricey ammunition when encountering individuals matching the descriptions of burglary perpetrators, responding to reports of minors holding unknown objects, or during routine traffic stops. “No longer will law enforcement have to foot the substantial cost of having five or six responding officers unload their entire clips into a suspicious looking individual on the street when they can instead fire one shell from the roof-mounted cannon of an armored truck. In sum, we expect police forces in the U.S. to save tens of millions of dollars annually.” Sherman added that state and federal corrections departments should also see considerable savings from the initiative, noting that expensive overcrowding would likely abate due to significantly higher and more cost-effective suspect fatality rates.
We Welcome Everyone, Regardless Of Gender Identity, To Use Our Piss- And Shit-Covered Bathrooms #~# For more than 60 years, Marshalls has committed itself to offering name-brand fashions and home goods at prices everyone can afford. Over that time, we’ve strived to ensure our stores provide an inclusive shopping environment in which all are treated with respect. That’s why at Marshalls locations nationwide, our customers are always welcome to use whichever piss- and shit-covered bathroom corresponds to their gender identity.
Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix #~# Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.
Steven Soderbergh Making ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ Show #~# Mosaic, an upcoming project between HBO and Steven Soderbergh, will reportedly involve an interactive app that lets viewers choose their own path through the show’s story. What do you think?
Nation Gets Really Tired All Of A Sudden #~# NEW YORK—According to numerous drowsy reports issued moments ago out of nowhere, the nation on Monday just got really tired all of a sudden. “Man, I don’t know what happened, but I am wiped out,” said St. Louis resident Elise Petcoff, one of the millions of Americans who began yawning and felt their eyes growing slowly heavier as they were hit by a wave of exhaustion that, by all accounts, came completely without warning. “I was fine like a second ago, but now I’m just drained. Jesus.” At press time, the entire nation was lying facedown in a small pool of drool.
Study: World Could Run Entirely On Renewable Energy By 2050 #~# According to a new study, existing renewable energy technologies would be sufficient to convert every country on earth to 100 percent clean energy by 2050. What do you think?
Callaway 9 Iron Once Again Named Golf Digest’s Best Club For Smashing In Cheating Ex’s Windshield #~# DES MOINES, IA–After exhaustive testing of nearly every style and design on the market, the Callaway 9 Iron was once again named by Golf Digest on Monday the best golf club for smashing in the windshield of a cheating ex. “Factoring in qualities like shatter radius, overhead swing speed, and shock absorption, the Callaway 9 Iron continues to set itself apart as the ideal club to batter the windshield of an unfaithful former lover,” read the highly anticipated study conducted annually for the world’s wronged partners seeking even just the slightest edge to their windshield smashing abilities. “The lightweight shaft and mid-sized clubface offer superior control and force of impact that few competitors can match. Whether the adulterous old flame’s car is parked, moving forward, or skidding away in reverse, no club is better suited to puncture and destroy their windshield than the Callaway 9 Iron.” The magazine’s study also found the Ping Vault to be the best putter for children to pretend to use as a cane while walking around the driveway.
Houston Residents Begin Surveying Damage Of 200 Years Of Unchecked Worldwide Industrialization #~# HOUSTON—Appearing shellshocked as they took in the scenes of devastation around them, Houston residents reportedly emerged from their homes Monday to survey the damage caused by 200 years of rampant, worldwide industrialization. “Oh my God. Everything’s destroyed, everywhere you look,” said visibly stunned citizen Chris Marciano, one of the 2.3 million locals who stared silently, buried their faces in their hands, or broke down in tears at the sight of entire neighborhoods and business centers that had been wiped out by generations of aggressive, unregulated expansion of mass production methods and transportation technologies and the resultant exponential growth in harmful gas emissions. “We’ve lost everything, absolutely everything. I’ve never seen destruction like this before. If only there had been some way this could have been prevented.” At press time, officials were urging citizens all along the Eastern Seaboard and Gulf Coast to prepare for similar emergencies, warning that the centuries of unrestrained global manufacturing growth that hit Houston could strike anywhere, any time.
Antifa Organizers Announce Plans To Disrupt Neo-Nazi Rally Or Whatever Else Going On That Day #~# BERKELEY, CA—Vowing to derail whichever event it is by any means necessary, local Antifa organizers announced plans Monday to disrupt an upcoming neo-Nazi rally or whatever else is going on that day. “We will stop at nothing to prevent these vile fucking neo-Nazi hatemongers from gathering, or, if not them, someone else,” said Sarah Jackson, 26, adding that the only way to end the spread of fascism is to physically confront Nazis, peaceful right-wing protesters, or just random people going about their daily lives. “We need to tell these Hitler-loving fucks or whoever else is standing there, ‘Get out of our city!’ Remember, we’re talking about white supremacist terrorists, people running errands on their lunch breaks, or a group of tourists, so if we have to throw a punch or two, then so fucking be it.” At press time, black-clad Antifa demonstrators screaming “Fascists, go home!” had swarmed a Scandinavian street festival.
Charles Schulz Estate Releases Hundreds Of Rare, Never-Before-Seen Images Of Him Posing Next To An Easel #~# SANTA ROSA, CA—In one of the largest-ever exhibitions of photography related to the late cartoonist, Charles Schulz’s estate on Monday released hundreds of rare, never-before-seen images showing the Peanuts creator posing next to an easel. “Fans and scholars alike will be captivated by these newly released photos of Schulz and an easel, particularly the one from February 1974 showing him looking back over his shoulder while filling in the sketch of a half-finished Snoopy,” said Charles M. Schulz Museum director Karen Johnson, adding that the collection includes over 200 images where Schulz is shown smiling and winking at the camera with pencil in hand. “In addition to the many photos of Schulz posing in front of an easel displaying Charlie Brown, there are also one-of-a-kind pictures such as an early image of him working at his easel over a Peanuts strip featuring Linus and Lucy. We even have one where he’s standing on the left side of the easel, instead of the right.” Johnson went on to say that all of the newly released images would be added to the museum’s permanent collection alongside over 30,000 pictures of Schulz posing playfully in front of a backdrop with life-size Peanuts characters.
Fan Disappointed To Learn L. Ron Hubbard Scientologist #~# PROVO, UT—Saddened to discover his favorite science fiction writer adhered to the controversial belief system, local fan Blake McKenna was disappointed to learn Monday that L. Ron Hubbard was a Scientologist. “Man, it’s such a letdown to find out that someone whose work you really admire could be into Scientology,” said McKenna, adding that he was struggling to reconcile the fact that the author of Battlefield Earth and Typewriter in the Sky was not only a devout member of the cultish religion but was also some sort of priest. “I mean, he’s super into it like Tom Cruise—like, I can’t even believe it. I’ve read upwards of 350 of his 500 stories, but now I honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to look at his work the same way.” At press time, McKenna was having trouble reading Dianetics now that he realized all the allusions Hubbard made to Scientology.
Poor Sleep Might Contribute To Dementia #~# A new study has found that poor sleep correlates with higher levels of beta amyloid proteins in the blood, a risk factor for Alzheimer’s and dementia. What do you think?
‘Game Of Thrones’ Audience Disappointed By Season Finale’s Bland, Uninspired Incest #~# CHICAGO—Criticizing the show’s reluctance to explore new creative ground, Game Of Thrones fans reported being disappointed Sunday by the bland, uninspired incest in the HBO drama’s season finale. “You’d think this far into the show’s run they’d have found some new angles on incestuous relationships, but this was just more of the same, by-the-numbers intercourse between blood relatives we’ve seen before,” said local viewer Jaime Cohn, echoing the views of thousands of fans who complained about the series’ increasingly derivative depiction of sexual relations between siblings and other family members. “In the early seasons, it felt like the show’s creators weren’t afraid to take risks on fresh ideas like incest involving twins or even between multiple generations of the same family, but since then it hasn’t really progressed at all. By this point, they should be experimenting with things like group sex with identical quadruplets, but it’s pretty obvious that the writers are just on autopilot now.” Despite their disappointment with the episode’s lackluster incest, fans almost unanimously agreed that the show’s latest season had staked out bold new territory in terms of narrative implausibility.
‘Game Of Thrones’ Viewers Reeling After Finale Unexpectedly Kills Off Fan #~# PARAMUS, NJ—Saying they were still struggling to process what just happened, Game of Thrones viewers were reportedly reeling Sunday after the show’s season finale unexpectedly killed off a fan. “Holy shit, they decapitated some guy named Spencer Davenport from Dayton, Ohio,” said local woman Gaby Green of the brutally slain marketing specialist, whose bloody death in the final minute of the series’ gripping seventh season blindsided viewers across the country. “I should be ready for shocking deaths by now, but my jaw still fucking dropped when I saw that sword slice right through Spencer’s neck and his head crash to the floor of his studio apartment. I mean, Jesus. Well, at least it wasn’t Tyrion.” At press time, millions of viewers said they couldn’t wait for the eighth and final season of Game of Thrones to find out if they themselves lived through the series’ very last episode.
Disney Launching Own Streaming Services #~# The Walt Disney Company has announced it will launch its own streaming services in 2018 and 2019, ending its current partnership with Netflix. What do you think?
Texans Brace For President’s Response To Hurricane #~# HOUSTON—Battening down the hatches as the potentially disastrous situation unfolded, Texans braced themselves Friday for President Trump’s response to Hurricane Harvey. “I don’t know how bad it’s going to be, but I’m preparing for the worst,” said resident Jacob Hoyt, echoing the sentiments of millions of residents along the state’s coast who were hunkering down for what many predict will be a catastrophically inept relief effort. “This won’t be easy. If nothing else, I’m hoping it’ll be over with pretty quick.” At press time, frightened Texans had learned that Trump’s response in the aftermath would likely be worse than even the most dire forecasts.
Friend Not In Fantasy League Immediately Regrets Attending Draft Party #~# NUTLEY, NJ—Recounting the participants’ unwavering, single-minded focus throughout the three-hour event, local man Ross Harrison, who declined to join his friends’ fantasy football league, told reporters Friday he immediately regretted attending their draft party last night. “Pete just had a kid and Brian got engaged, so I was hoping to catch up with everyone there, but after the night kicked off with a 10-minute debate about adding a second flex spot I instantly knew I’d made a terrible mistake,” said Harrison, who added that, minutes after arriving, he was pulled aside by three different friends who each excitedly shared their respective strategies for the evening’s 14-round draft. “I guess I expected we would drink and shoot the shit while they just picked whatever players the ESPN app recommended for each pick, and instead it was total silence as they flipped through their fantasy football magazines. I got so bored I ended up watching a preseason game in the living room by myself most of the night.” At press time, Harrison had just received his 37th text message assessing last night’s draft on the group chat he shares with his friends.
Planet Fitness Offering New Lights-Off Hour So No One Can Watch You Work Out #~# NEWINGTON, NH—In an effort to reduce the amount of self-consciousness some members experience, gym chain Planet Fitness on Friday announced a new lights-off hour so no one can watch you work out. “During the hour of 5-6 p.m., all Planet Fitness centers will be dimmed almost to the point of total darkness so that everyone can exercise while avoiding the judgmental stares of people around them,” said spokesperson Gabe Eaton, explaining that all of their over 1,300 locations would, at the scheduled hour, promptly shut off all the lights and lower blackout shades over the windows, creating a near-impenetrable blackness in which members can confidently lift the lightest dumbbells using completely inappropriate form. “No one will be able to see well enough to look down on you, which means you no longer have to feel ashamed to work up an embarrassing amount of sweat while walking on a treadmill at a low speed and no incline. Likewise, nobody else will know that you wandered away from a weight machine because you couldn’t figure out how it worked and were slightly worried you’d break it.” Eaton went on to say that music would remain at normal levels, which means other members will still be able to hear you wheezing after two minutes on an elliptical.
Struggling Amtrak To Discontinue Mysterious Late-Night Trains To Spirit Realm #~# WASHINGTON—In response to a decline in revenue from routes running between the two disparate planes of existence, Amtrak announced Friday that it plans to cancel the mysterious, mist-enshrouded trains offering late-night service into the darkest realms of the spirit.
Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show. The first indication that the production would include a high-energy song-and-dance performance about staging a show reportedly surfaced when a schoolchild rushed onto the bustling Main Street set and announced that a play was going to take place, setting off a round of progressively more rhythmic chattering as the town’s residents discussed who would play what roles. According to those in attendance, a group of the town’s biggest gossips immediately indicated that they would play the chorus in the production, while a pair of handymen holding ladders twirled across the stage and volunteered to build the sets. Sources stated that at this point, a boisterous debate began as all assembled argued over who would play the star, a question which was only settled when the town’s beautiful-but-shy schoolteacher happened to step out of the schoolhouse and onto center stage moments after another character had loudly proclaimed that the perfect lead actress wasn’t “just going to walk right out from behind that door.” At press time, those with knowledge of the situation reported that all the townspeople had excitedly danced off stage to prepare for the play, leaving behind only the irascible old shopkeeper, who comically chided the rest of the town for “getting worked up over some nonsense” and resumed sweeping while absentmindedly whistling the tune that had just been performed.
Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa #~# WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career. “Though he was clearly still getting his footing at the time, one can see in this mildly spiced salsa a young man honing his craft and learning to master the raw garden vegetables and fresh seasonings with which the name Paul Newman would forever become associated,” archivist Clement Atherton said of the tomato-based chip dip, which was never distributed beyond a few small markets and was found in a vault among bottles of salad dressing, packets of microwave popcorn, and a jar of what appears to be an initial attempt at Sockarooni pasta sauce. “This salsa was truly lost to time, with none of Newman’s biographers having so much as mentioned it. Luckily it has been kept in cold storage, so most of the peppers, onions, and cilantro have been preserved, and their original colors haven’t faded too much.” While Newman’s estate would not comment on a planned release date for the decades-old salsa, a spokesperson did confirm that 100 percent of any royalties and after-tax profits would be donated to charity.
‘Eleanor Rigby’ Grave For Sale #~# The grave of the woman after whom the Beatles’ “Eleanor Rigby” is named is going up for auction, theoretically allowing whoever wins to be buried beside her remains. What do you think?
Best Special Effects In Film History #~# Hollywood’s ability to manipulate millions is born when it is discovered that a bunch of absolute morons believe A Trip To The Moon is real 
Study: Exxon Misled Public On Climate Change #~# A study of ExxonMobil communications from 1977 to 2014 found that the company routinely downplayed the risks of climate change in public while acknowledging them in private. What do you think?
Poll Finds Declining Number Of Americans Believe They God #~# WASHINGTON—In what researchers say marks a profound change in the nation’s attitude toward religion, a new Pew Research Center poll released Thursday found a significant decline in the number of Americans who believe they are God. “Our data shows that since we started studying the trend in the late 1970s, there has been a 60 percent decrease in the number of people in this country who believe they are the Lord incarnate,” said Pew senior research statistician Marianne Tomac, adding that the largest contributor to the drop was the dwindling number of parents who raise their children in households in which they are taught they are the Supreme Being. “We also found that of the respondents who grew up believing they were the Almighty, nearly 40 percent admitted that skepticism and disillusionment had caused them to question whether they were, in fact, omnipotent or even created the universe at all.” The poll also reported, however, a corresponding increase in the number of Americans who said while they no longer believed they were God, they did see themselves as the indescribable universal energy that connects all living things.
What You Need To Know About Taylor Swift #~# Taylor Swift has announced the upcoming release of Reputation, her sixth studio album. The Onion answers some of the most common questions about the notorious pop star. 
‘Game Of Thrones’ Producers Reveal Series Moved Beyond Show’s Written Script Halfway Through Current Season #~# BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND—Discussing the hit HBO fantasy drama with reporters ahead of this weekend’s season finale, Game Of Thrones producers revealed Thursday that the series had moved beyond the show’s written script halfway through the current season. “Over the first six and a half seasons, we had been following closely along with the meticulous, rich details provided in our show’s scripts, but once we got to the ‘Spoils Of War’ episode this season, we ran out of all written dialogue and plot and just pushed forward in a new direction from there,” said series co-creator and executive producer David Benioff, noting that the action on-screen during the past three episodes had not been based on any of the existing books, any of the scripts penned by the show’s writing staff, or any material at all that had been preconceived and written down anywhere. “At this point, the show has completely diverged from scripted narrative and character arcs, and I think it’s adding a new and exciting element for our fans. Viewers can rest assured knowing that the final season will answer all their questions about who in Westeros will sit on the Iron Throne, even if we don’t have any scenes or storyline whatsoever to work from.” Benioff then refused to respond to swirling rumors that Sunday’s episode would feature each of the show’s characters silently meandering around an open field for 80 minutes.
Old Friends From High School Meet Up Every Year To Say Names Of Former Classmates #~# GRANVILLE, OH—Convening at their hometown bar to grab a drink and catch up on things, a group of old high school friends reportedly met up on Thursday as per their yearly tradition of saying the names of their former classmates. “Hey, remember that guy Dave Getler?” asked 32-year-old Kim Blackburn to a group of nodding Granville High alumni, each of whom took their turn listing a series of mutual acquaintances from the specific four-year period in their lives. “How’s Marcy Levesque doing? Anyone hear from her? Oh, who was Shane Cook and Trevor O’Malley’s buddy who used to date Karen Hest? Tanner Smith? I remember he would always sit with Devon and Sean in algebra—okay, now ‘Sean Houlihan’ is a name I haven’t heard in a million years.” At press time, those friends who still lived near each other agreed that there was no reason to wait another year to get together and say the names of former classmates as a smaller group.
Nation’s Therapists Say Majority Of Issues Could Be Resolved By Not Being So Weird All The Time #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the method yields positive results almost immediately, a coalition of leading therapists said Thursday that most of the personal issues people experience could be resolved if they would simply stop being so weird all the time.
‘Slender Man Stabbing’ Suspect Pleads Guilty #~# One of the Wisconsin girls charged with stabbing her classmate to appease the fictional internet character Slender Man has pled guilty to attempted murder. What do you think?
Family Has Extremely Lax Standards For Who Gets To Be Called Aunt #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Confirming that several dozen individuals have had the title bestowed upon them in recent years, sources reported Friday that the Weber family has exceptionally lax standards for who gets to be called “aunt.” “It appears that if you happen to be a woman over the age of 30, or just have kids of your own, and you walk through the Weber family’s front door, you will be referred to as an aunt by everyone in the household, regardless of whether you’re a blood relative or just a family friend,” said Dawn Newcomb, a longtime coworker of the family’s mother and a designated aunt herself, who explained that the Webers’ virtually nonexistent criteria for earning the appellation had resulted in the creation of a multitude of aunts since the birth of the family’s oldest child, including as many as 10 neighbors, several of the parents’ old college roommates, and at least one babysitter, all in addition to the family’s two biological aunts. “There’s an Aunt Lynn, for example, who was once in a book club with the family’s mother. And then there are two Aunt Jessicas, one of whom appears to have been the short-lived girlfriend of an older cousin who only met the family for a couple hours last Thanksgiving.” Sources noted, however, that the title “uncle” was far harder to attain, explaining that it was solely reserved for direct kin and only the most amusing of the father’s drinking buddies.
Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound #~# HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday. “Man, I definitely ran out here for something important, but, for the life of me, I have no idea what is was,” Hinch reportedly said to himself while staring at the ground and quickly running through a mental checklist of everything that might have been on his mind over the past few innings as starting pitcher Dallas Keuchel quietly stared at him. “The fastball is looking fine. The offspeed stuff has been good. The pitch count is low and there aren’t any baserunners. Christ, now I feel like a fucking idiot for stopping the game just for this.” At press time, a flustered Hinch had reportedly returned to his seat in the dugout only to realize he had accidentally taken the pitcher’s ball with him.
Department Of Transportation Allocates $400 Million For National Shortcut #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the infrastructure project will bypass traffic congestion to allow for quicker arrival times across the U.S., the Department of Transportation on Thursday announced it was allocating $400 million for a national shortcut. “This funding will help provide an alternate route for all Americans currently struggling to make it to work or appointments on time,” said Secretary Elaine Chao, adding that the new countrywide shortcut would cut down on Americans’ average commute time by 20 minutes and even more during off hours. “It will be easy to access as long as you keep along the main road, turn right when you get to the gas station, and then make another right two miles later. You’ll have maybe two stop lights the whole way.” At press time, the Transportation Department was also drawing up plans for a $300 million scenic detour for more leisurely trips.
‘No, No, Dear God No,’ Mumbles Powerball Presenter After Drawing Pitch-Black Ball #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Staring down in shock and turning pale, the host of Wednesday night’s $700 million Powerball lottery reportedly muttered to herself in utter horror after the randomized drawing produced an entirely unmarked, pitch-black ball. “32, 16—Oh, dear God…. No, no, no,” said Powerball host Laura Johnson, who trembled visibly as the black and otherwise featureless ball came to a rest at the end of the machine’s display tube. “How could this happen? Oh Christ, not yet! Please, not yet! Jesus, they said we’d have more time. They said we’d … oh no, no—” At press time, viewers of the drawing reported seeing the studio lights flicker followed by an unearthly scream just as the televised feed cut to static.
German Police Seize 5,000 Trump-Shaped Ecstasy Pills #~# Estimating the drugs’ total street value at roughly 39,000 euros, German police announced they’ve seized 5,000 orange Trump-shaped ecstasy pills. What do you think?
New Clinton Memoir: ‘We All Made Mistakes But You Made Most Of Them’ #~# NEW YORK—In candid excerpts released Wednesday from her forthcoming memoir What Happened, Hillary Clinton reflects on her unsuccessful 2016 presidential bid, revealing to readers, “We all made mistakes, but you made most of them.” “I’m not suggesting it’s entirely your fault, but, let’s be frank, 99 percent of it is,” read one passage from the chapter entitled “Seriously, What Were You Thinking?” in which the former candidate conceded missteps she had made over the course of her campaign while also clarifying that none of them should have produced the final election outcome, which she characterized as “squarely on you fucking people.” “Indeed, fake news and Russian meddling played a part, and I’ve acknowledged I wasn’t the perfect candidate, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that the majority of the blame—all but the tiniest sliver—lies with you, the idiot voters. You really blew it, dumbasses. Bravo!” Sources later confirmed that Clinton devotes the final chapter of her memoir to how she has moved on from the election, begging her readers to not fuck that up for her too.
Commercial Actor Informed He Doesn’t Have That Prego Tomato Sauce Look #~# LOS ANGELES—Having rehearsed the script for several hours before giving what he believed was a solid audition, local actor Mark Folta was reportedly disappointed to be informed Friday that he just doesn’t have that Prego tomato sauce look. “We appreciate you coming in today, but we’re really looking for someone with that classic Prego screen presence, and unfortunately we just don’t believe that’s you,” said casting director Kelly Lombardi, who explained to Folta that while he displayed impressive spaghetti-twirling technique and had delivered the line “Mmm, that’s rich” convincingly, he just simply didn’t possess that distinctive, timeless air that has always been synonymous with the Prego line of homestyle pasta sauces. “When America thinks of Prego, they picture icons like Eric Marsdale from our 1991 Prego versus Ragu spot, or a legend like Angela Ramos raising a spoonful of sauce to her nose while flashing that signature close-mouthed smile as steam wafts into her nostrils. Listen, kid, I hate to say it, but some people have it and some people don’t. Best of luck to you.” Visibly distressed and downtrodden following his failed Prego performance, Folta was, at press time, said to be absolutely nailing his Excedrin audition.
The Pros And Cons Of Gene Editing #~# Recent advancements in gene editing have introduced a number of exciting possibilities for human advancement and raised difficult ethical questions. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of gene editing.
Chuck E. Cheese’s Retiring Animatronic House Band #~# In an attempt to modernize, Chuck E. Cheese’s is phasing out Munch’s Make Believe Band, the restaurant and arcade chain’s long-time animatronic animal band. What do you think?
Report: Majority Of Time In Pool Spent Urging Others To Enter Pool #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Far outstripping the amount of time dedicated to swimming or games, a report released Wednesday by researchers at Rutgers University found that the average person in a pool spends the vast majority of their time urging others to enter as well. “Across demographic groups, we found that an individual will typically spend 80 percent of their time in a pool engaged in various efforts to coax others into joining them in the water,” read the report, noting that roughly half that time is dedicated to making the case that entering the pool will be “fun” or “refreshing” and about a third is allocated toward playful commands or taunts such as “Come on,” “Stop being a baby,” or simply “Just get in already.” “The smallest amount of time is reserved for more aggressive tactics such as splashing people from the pool’s edge or just reaching up and pulling them in if they get close enough.” The report went on to say that any time not spent urging others to enter the pool was devoted to awkwardly bobbing in the water while waiting for people to enter on their own.
45-Year-Old Man Self-Conscious, Embarrassed By New, Unexpected Changes His Body Going Through #~# PAOLI, PA—Worried that people will be staring at him everywhere he went, 45-year-old Harold Brauner was reportedly self-conscious and embarrassed Wednesday by the sudden, unexpected changes his body was going through. “Oh my god, everyone at work is going to think I’m some sort of freak,” said Brauner, who has reportedly felt ashamed and confused ever since turning 45 and beginning to notice himself suddenly filling out and growing hair in strange new places. “I’m sweating all the time, and I just feel so weird and gross. It’s like I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Wearing loose shirts and sweatpants helps, but then I feel like it’s obvious I’m hiding something. Ugh, why is this happening to me? I hate it! I hate it!” At press time, Brauner was taking some comfort in the fact his friends all seemed to be going through the same unsightly changes.
Report: A Lot Of People’s Dream Is To Have Sex With A Ghost #~# STANFORD, CA—Saying the study could shed light on the full spectrum of human sexuality, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Stanford University found that a lot of people’s dream is to have sex with a ghost. “According to our research, a significant proportion of Americans want to have sex with a ghost very much and would probably do so on a regular basis,” read the report in part, adding that the findings far exceeded initial projections for the number of people demonstrating interest in carnal relations with a phantom, shade, or specter. “Even if you do not personally want to have sex with an apparition, our data suggests that you almost certainly are personally acquainted with someone whose greatest wish is to have a spirit appear in the middle of the night and make love to them until the morning sunlight banishes it back to the netherworld. Indeed, several authors of this report may even have felt this way themselves.” The report went on to say that among those who didn’t dream of having sex with a ghost, 100 percent expressed a passionate desire to do so with a centaur.
Trump Struck By Beautiful Vision Of What America Could Be While Looking Out Over Seething, Screaming Arizona Crowd #~# PHOENIX—Visibly moved by the outpouring of rancor before of him, President Trump was reportedly struck by the beautiful vision of what America could be while looking out over a seething, screaming Arizona rally on Tuesday. “As I gaze upon the snarls on your red faces today, I’m filled with hope at what astonishing hostility the America of tomorrow can achieve,” said the president, swelling with optimism at the inspiring scene of thousands of Americans gathering to act on their basest instincts. “I’m simply overcome by the bitterness and resentment filling this convention center. Just imagine if everyone in the nation—every single man and every single woman—could let their anger and intolerance consume them the way it has the good people in this room. What a wonderful country this would be.” Trump went on to say that while progress would not always be easy, the uncontainable rage of crowds like this one made him feel like America was well on its way.
Six Flags Removes Confederate Flag #~# Amid increasing controversy over Confederate monuments, Six Flags has removed the Confederate flag from its Texas and Georgia locations. What do you think?
Soldier Excited To Take Over Father’s Old Afghanistan Patrol Route #~# FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Saying he “never could have imagined” he would have the opportunity to follow directly in his father’s footsteps, 19-year-old U.S. Army Pvt. Tyler Corcoran was reportedly excited Tuesday to take over his dad’s old patrol route in Afghanistan. “It’s just so incredible that I’ll soon be walking the very same footpath as my old man, securing the perimeter of Camp Chapman in Khost Province just like he did so many years ago,” said Corcoran, who explained how, throughout his childhood, he had heard his father’s stories of guarding the forward operating base but never once considered that he would one day be traversing along the exact walls and securing the identical checkpoints his father had during his tours of duty. “To think that I’ll be monitoring the road between the airstrip and detention facility that Dad always talked about, keeping an eye out for IEDs and any suspicious activity the same way he did all those years ago. Honestly, it’s hard to believe—but, wow, it’s really happening.” At press time, a tear fell from Corcoran’s eye as he hugged his dad goodbye in the very same manner he remembered his father doing to him when he was a toddler.
Trump Vows To Leave A Better Afghanistan For Nation’s Grandchildren To Fight In #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the United States owed nothing less to future generations, President Trump vowed during a televised speech Monday night to leave a better Afghanistan for the nation’s grandchildren to fight in. “All our efforts are focused on creating and preserving an Afghanistan that we can be proud to pass down to the men and women in uniform who’ve yet to be born,” said Trump, adding that the administration will work tirelessly to ensure that, decades from now, American troops will be fighting in a more sustainable conflict alongside a restored Afghan National Army. “Rest assured that you will be able to look into your children’s eyes and know that their children and their children’s children will be conducting military operations in a country that’s far more stable than it once was.” Trump went on to say that with the right forward-thinking policy, American soldiers could thrive in Afghanistan indefinitely.
Tips For Back-To-School Shopping #~# As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.
Diehard 8-Year-Old Buffalo Bills Fan Showing Early Signs Of Masochism #~# WEST SENECA, NY—Expressing a mixture of alarm and heartache over the boy’s recently discovered disorder, the parents of diehard 8-year-old Buffalo Bills fan Cody Brenner told reporters Tuesday that their son had begun showing early signs of masochism. “A year ago we identified the first stages of his condition, and it’s been absolutely devastating as a parent to see our little boy struggling with something like this,” said the boy’s mother Julia, noting with sadness that the little boy’s self-flagellation includes watching the entirety of every Bills preseason game, regularly checking their official team Twitter page, and, in perhaps the most tragic and definitive confirmation of his disorder, recently purchasing a Tyrod Taylor poster to proudly display in his bedroom. “I thought something might be wrong when Cody made himself so angry by obsessively rewatching clips of the Bills blowing late-game leads last year, but it was his insistence that they’re going to be good this season in the face of all objective reasoning that confirmed his masochism for me. I want to help him, but we’ve been told there’s very little we can do. I just hope he can stay strong, because he will most likely be dealing with this for the rest of his life.” The boy’s grief-stricken mother added that it was hard not to blame the boy’s condition on his father, a sadist who likely inflicted his longtime Bills fandom on his son.
Sometimes I Feel Like I’m The Only One Who Cares About This Tag Team #~# There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about for a while now. It’s been on my mind quite a bit lately, and I think you and I need to address it. This isn’t something that’s easy for me to say—in fact, it hurts to have to say it. But if I’m honest I have to admit that sometimes it feels like I’m the only one who really cares about our tag team.
Report: Sky Normal Today #~# WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today. “It’s just going to be regular today,” read a report issued by NASA, which noted that the sky looks pretty much like it always looks right now. “You can check it out if you want, but it’ll just be all the usual stuff: blue, maybe some clouds. You know, normal sky stuff.” Experts added that there might be some interesting sky thing again in a few years, but for the time being there’s no real reason to look up.
Studies Find Marijuana Not Effective For Chronic Pain #~# Despite the increasing use of the drug to treat a variety of conditions, two new studies have found little evidence that marijuana helps with chronic pain. What do you think?
Study: 0% Of People Die From Getting Fingers Lodged In Bowling Ball And Being Dragged Down Lane #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the deadly mishap had no impact whatsoever on mortality rates in any demographic, a new Pew Research Center study released Tuesday found that zero percent of people die from getting their fingers lodged in a bowling ball and being dragged down the lane. “Our sample of 10,000 Americans found that on average, zero out of 100 people die from getting their fingers stuck in a bowling ball, being yanked onto the lane when they throw their arm forward, and launching headfirst into the pins,” said researcher Sarah Wheatman, noting that skull fractures and other head traumas resulting from such collisions were found on not a single occasion. “As no one has been carried the length of their lane into the pins by the momentum of their bowling ball, it is also necessarily true that not a single person left a 7-10 split after doing so. Our study also confirms that 0 percent of deaths resulted in the person’s body being cleared from the bowling lane by the sweeper before the pins were reset.” Wheatman went on to say, however, that approximately 50 percent of individuals suffer bruises and other minor injuries after their bowling ball pulls them halfway down the lane.
Trump: ‘We Will Fight In Afghanistan Until Victorious, Or I Change My Mind, Get Distracted, Look Bad, Or Get Bored’ #~# FORT MYER, VA—Calling the war in Afghanistan the nation’s highest priority until he decides at some point that it is actually trade with China or illegal border crossings, President Trump declared in a televised address Monday that the U.S. was committed to fighting insurgents in the region until an unconditional victory was secured, or until he changed his mind, got distracted by something else, thought the war was reflecting poorly on him, or got bored with the whole thing. “Let me be perfectly clear: America will not rest until our enemies have been defeated and the Afghan people are free, unless I start to get frustrated by all this, come across some other thing that seems like a bigger deal, or see a segment on TV that says we should do something else,” said the president, who called for the deployment of thousands more troops to pursue the Taliban until they were completely eradicated or until he lost interest in the situation. “Anyone who stands in the way of freedom shall know that the United States will never surrender and will never back down in the face of evil, except maybe after a couple of months pass and I just don’t want to deal with it any longer or some completely unrelated idea crosses my mind and I start running with that instead. Nothing, aside from maybe a personal feud with a media personality that occupies all my time and energy, will defeat our resolve.” A solemn Trump went on to assure viewers that sending America’s sons and daughters to the front lines of a deadly overseas conflict was the hardest thing a president had to do after having to memorize a lot of things and sometimes sit through hours of briefings without eating.
Trump To Skip Kennedy Center Honors #~# After multiple honorees threatened a boycott, the White House announced President Trump would skip the Kennedy Center Honors so that artists could “celebrate without any political distraction.” What do you think?
‘There’s Nothing To It,’ Secret Service Agent Assures Mar-A-Lago Bellhop Assigned Rooftop Sniper Duty #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Explaining that the job was far less complicated than it appeared, a Secret Service agent assured a Mar-A-Lago bellhop Monday that there was “nothing at all” to rooftop sniper duty. “So you hold the gun like this, look through this scope right here, and just pull this trigger when you want to shoot—you’ll get the hang of it pretty quick,” said agent Gregory Shaw, assuring the 19-year-old part-time resort employee that he could always use the walkie-talkie if he had any questions about operating the SR-25 semi-automatic sniper rifle. “Don’t worry about it too much. You basically just scan the area, and if it looks like someone might attack the president, you take ’em out. You might need to fire a couple times, but you’ll get the kill eventually. Hey, don’t worry, you’ll do great.” According to sources, the bellhop accidentally shot a parking valet in the shoulder within minutes.
Cow Excited To Freak The Fuck Out During Solar Eclipse #~# ADAMS, TN—Saying the celestial phenomenon was a once-in-a-lifetime experience for her, a local cow announced Monday that she was excited to freak the fuck out during the solar eclipse. “I’m gonna be long gone before this pasture is in the path of totality again, so from the moment the moon begins to obstruct the sun to the final seconds before the light of day returns, I’m going to absolutely lose my goddamn mind,” said the 4-year-old Holstein, confirming that while she normally spends the afternoon grazing, the abrupt, all-encompassing blackness from the eclipse would be a great opportunity to run back and forth aimlessly while mooing like a “fucking maniac.” “I’ll probably book it straight towards the electric fence but then kind of veer off and charge through the herd like a lunatic to get the other cows as freaked out as I am. Then maybe I’ll suddenly stop and just stand there frozen solid for a few minutes before bolting again. Either way, I’m fortunate to be coming completely unglued during a spectacular event like this.” The cow went on to say that if any human tried to approach her during the eclipse event, she was definitely going to bite the shit out of them.
God Pissed Solar Eclipse Not Visible From Heaven #~# THE HEAVENS—Angered to be missing out on the spectacular celestial phenomenon, God, Our Lord and Father, was reportedly pissed Monday that the solar eclipse would not be visible from Heaven. “Dammit, I’ve walked around every cloud here, and the sun looks the same no matter where I am,” said the Almighty, fuming that He wasted “eight freaking bucks” on special viewing glasses only to find out nothing was happening. “I looked it up online, and it said that I should be right in the path of total coverage. But it just seems like any other stupid day. So now I either have to watch this on some glitchy NASA livestream or wait until 2024 for the next one? That’s total bullshit.” At press time, the Lord had permanently installed the moon directly in front of the sun, so he could watch an eclipse anytime he wanted.
Prince Honored With New Shade Of Purple #~# In honor of Prince, the Pantone Color Institute has announced a new shade of purple named Love Symbol #2, after the late musician’s logo. What do you think?
Astronomers Caution Americans Not To Look Directly At Screaming Spirits Of The Damned During Solar Eclipse #~# WASHINGTON—Citing the permanent damage that can result from even one second of unfiltered exposure to their ghastly visages, the American Astronomical Society cautioned Americans on Monday not to look directly at the screaming spirits of the damned during the solar eclipse. “We’d like to remind folks to practice safety when the specters doomed to eternal torment emerge, otherwise it’s quite possible their own souls will be dragged to the inferno from whence those accursed beings came,” said AAS spokesperson Rebecca Harvey, adding that anyone planning on viewing the celestial phenomenon use special eclipse glasses, a pinhole camera, or an evil-repelling ring of salt to help protect them from the multitude of wraiths that will pour forth from the portal to the netherworld. “Those witnessing this spectacular cosmic event would also be wise to plug their ears, as the shrieking from these spirits can cause hearing loss or hair to turn permanently white. The eclipse is exciting for all of us, but we want to make sure that everyone can enjoy it without the archfiend binding their soul.” At press time, thousands of Americans who attempted unprotected glimpses at the eclipse suddenly found themselves suspended from hooks in the lowest plane of hell.
Poll: Majority Of Americans Ready To Give Up On U.S. If Someone Else Goes First #~# WASHINGTON—Willing to concede the country was a failure but reluctant to be all alone in saying so, a poll released Monday found that a majority of Americans were ready to give up on the U.S. if someone else goes first. “I’ve been on the fence about quitting on this nation for a while now, and if even one other person throws in the towel, that’ll be all the push I need,” said St. Louis resident Chris Lafferty, echoing the sentiments of hundreds of millions of Americans who were prepared to walk away from the nearly 250-year-old republic but would be more comfortable doing so if a single compatriot other than themselves “got things rolling.” “I can tell that everyone would turn their back on America in a heartbeat, but we’re all sitting around waiting for one of our countrymen to pull the trigger. I mean, I promise that if someone else abandons this failed experiment in democracy, I’ll be right behind them out the door.” At press time, the frustrated American populace was still waiting and could not believe what kind of pussies their fellow citizens were.
Real Estate Insiders To Keep Close Eye On Newborn Sired By 3-Time Re/Max Sales Champion #~# ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Marvelling at the potential a child of such noble blood could possess, sources within a group of real estate insiders revealed Monday that they are keeping a close eye on the newborn sired by a three-time Re/Max sales champion. “His father is an unequalled virtuoso of bidding wars who once closed on a property with a flooded basement in four days,” said one inside source, adding that the infant’s mother was a six-time salesperson of the month at Caldwell, a pedigree that suggested the child would one day masterfully run open houses and play buyers against each other with unrivaled skill. “His parentage is impeccable—between his father’s easygoing charm and his mother’s deep knowledge of Cook County market trends, this child, mark my words, will appear on his own billboard by his 21st birthday.” Several of the insiders went on to say that they hoped the baby did not end up like Julia Woodward, who forsook her highborn real estate destiny to work as a computer programer.
Francis Ford Coppola Admits Wedding Scene In ‘The Godfather’ Needed More Lasagna #~# RUTHERFORD, CA—Reminiscing to reporters about his 1972 classic The Godfather, filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola said Saturday that while he remained proud of the movie’s iconic opening wedding scene, he conceded that it could have used a lot more lasagna. “I really fought with the studio on that, but ultimately they just weren’t willing to pay for all the steaming-hot trays of lasagna you would want, from an artistic standpoint, to see at Connie Corleone’s wedding reception,” said Coppola, noting that in the first shot he had hoped to put a big pan of lasagna on Vito Corleone’s desk so the don could offer a piece to the weeping Bonasera, but due to budgetary restraints the man was instead given a shot of liquor. “The few layers of pasta and ricotta and meat sauce you do see in the movie were made from Styrofoam to keep costs down. I was especially disappointed when we couldn’t afford to film the singer Johnny Fontane putting down his microphone, picking up a spatula, and serving oversized helpings of lasagna to the bride and groom while the whole Corleone family looks on and laughs. I know you sometimes have to make compromises, but I sometimes wish I chose something else.” The director added that during the famous restaurant scene, he had originally wanted Michael Corleone to eat some lasagna, excuse himself to go to the bathroom—where his associates had secretly planted even more lasagna—and then emerge grinning with big, heaping platefuls of the dish for everyone.
Report: There Just Something Dark And Intriguing About Man With Serious Personality Disorder #~# WESTFORD, MA—Admitting that she couldn’t fully describe the enigmatic allure that drew her to him, local woman Laura Saracen told reporters Wednesday there was just something dark and intriguing about 34-year-old Tyler Evans, a man with a serious personality disorder. “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but from the very beginning of our date I picked up this kind of brooding and mysterious vibe from Tyler that I was really into,” Saracen said of the man with whom she’d gone out to dinner and whose deeply unstable moods, streaks of narcissism, and almost complete lack of empathy for others would meet the criteria for several mental conditions listed in the DSM-5. “Maybe I just go for the the sort of strong, silent type, or maybe I kind of like the idea that he seems to keep so much of himself hidden. Whatever it is, it’s really attractive, and I can’t wait to spend more time with him and find out who he really is under there.” At press time, Evans’ coolly aloof demeanor throughout the pair’s second date, which stemmed from an acute inability to form emotionally healthy connections with any other human being, was completely turning Saracen on.
European Leaders: ‘We Stand Together To Say Loud And Clear: We Are Scared As Fuck And Don’t Know What To Do’ #~# BARCELONA, SPAIN—In a show of solidarity following the terrorist attack that left 14 dead and over 100 injured in Barcelona, Spain, European leaders stood together Friday to say loud and clear that they were scared as fuck and didn’t know what to do. “Side by side in the face of unfathomable violence, we assemble here today to say that we are united in our shared fear and our terrifying realization that we have no idea how to stop this,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel, who, flanked on both sides by other European heads of state, affirmed that terrorism freaked them the fuck out and would be eradicated from the face of the earth if they only knew how. “Today, we are not German, we are not Italian or French—we are simply people who are frightened out of their goddamn minds. And though we might not share the same tongue, utter panic sounds the same in every language.” At press time, European leaders vowed to continue hyperventilating as one.
Fleas Carrying Bubonic Plague Found In Arizona #~# After fleas in two Arizona counties tested positive for bubonic plague, officials have warned residents to avoid contact with wild animals that could be carrying the insects. What do you think?
What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film #~# Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone Star Wars film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
‘My Work Here Is Done,’ Smiles Contented Bannon Before Bursting Into Millions Of Spores #~# WASHINGTON—His skin already starting to bubble, newly dismissed White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon reportedly smiled and said “My work here is done” on Friday before bursting into millions of spores. “Now that I’ve accomplished everything I set out to do, it’s time for me to go,” said a contented Bannon moments before exploding into a cloud of millions of tiny black particles that swirled out the Oval Office window. “Just know that, if ever you need me, call my name into the wind and I will appear. Goodbye, my friends! Goodbye!” At press time, any White House staffers that had inhaled the Bannon spores were dying in agony as the spores began sprouting in their brains.
Nation Begs Disaffected Youth Gravitating Toward Neo-Nazism To Get High And Play Xbox Instead #~# WASHINGTON—Beseeching them to pursue a less destructive path with their lives, the nation begged disaffected youth gravitating towards neo-Nazism to get high and play Xbox instead, sources reported Friday. “We don’t really care if you get blazed and play video games, sit home and jerk off, or shoplift a bunch of shit at a convenience store as long as you don’t march down the street waving swastikas,” said Holyoke, CO, resident Gregory Stamp, echoing the sentiments of the entire American populace in urging restless and angry young people who find themselves tempted by fascist ideology to try stuffing their faces with as many Cheetos as they want or playing the drums as hard as they can at literally any hour of the day. “Go ahead and sleep until four in the afternoon, then do whippets until you pass out. You want beer and cigarettes? We’re buying. Please just stay away from the white supremacy shit and definitely do not shoot anybody.” At press time, the nation was reminding sullen adolescents who were starting to read about white genocide on neo-Nazi websites that they could just as easily use that time to view disturbing hardcore pornography.
Costco Forced To Pay $19 Million For Selling Fake Tiffany Rings #~# A court has ordered Costco to pay $19 million after finding that engagement rings sold by the warehouse retailer violated luxury jeweler Tiffany’s trademark. What do you think?
Report: 97% Of Inner Tube Occupants Agree It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This #~# SEATTLE—According to a survey conducted Friday of Americans visiting scenic waterways across the nation, 97 percent of individuals currently floating down a lazy, winding river in an inflatable rubber tube agreed that it doesn’t get any better than this. “An overwhelming proportion of respondents indicated that occupying an inner tube on a summer’s day was just the best,” said University of Washington researcher Tessa Huddleston, adding that two-thirds of those surveyed revealed that they had within the past few minutes let out a contented sigh and trailed their fingertips across the water’s surface before cracking open a cold one. “Forty percent of the people occupying inner tubes stated that the water was absolutely perfect, while another 20 percent said that, oh yeah, they could definitely do this every day, not a problem.” The survey also found that the 3 percent of Americans not currently enjoying their tubing experience had just dropped their smartphones in the river, shouted “Fuck!” and complained that they would have been better off staying home.
Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious #~# MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday. “We’re never going to get anywhere in this country if you lunatics keep foaming at the mouth about some one-sided fantasyland,” said Levin, 32, who despite characterizing those who do not stand precisely equidistant between two ideological extremes as “raving fanatics” and repeatedly interrupting people before they can fully explain their “nutjob” beliefs, reportedly seems to think he is, in fact, much more civil. “If you idiots stopped throwing temper tantrums every time some little thing doesn’t pass your precious purity test and came back down to the real, complicated world with the rest of us, we’d all be a lot better off.” At press time, Levin was butting in on a lively social media debate to tell two total strangers that they were “everything that’s wrong with this country.”
Man Misidentified As Charlottesville Terrorist Suing Right-Wing News Sites #~# A Michigan man who received death threats after several right-wing sites misidentified him as the Charlottesville terrorist is reportedly suing the sites who spread the false information. What do you think?
Inverted Bob Added To Supercuts Arctic Vault Where Hairstyles Preserved For Future Generations #~# LONGYEARBYEN, NORWAY—Hoping to ensure the survival of the popular women’s cut in the event of a global catastrophe, officials announced Thursday the addition of the inverted bob to the Supercuts Arctic Vault, a secure state-of-the-art facility that preserves the world’s hairstyles for future generations.
Aides Say Bannon Was Not On The Record When He Issued Deafening, Atonal Howl That Caused Journalist’s Skull To Explode #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that the huge breach of trust clearly violated journalistic ethics, White House aides confirmed Thursday that Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was not on the record when he issued the deafening, atonal howl that caused a reporter’s head to explode. “Mr. Bannon’s unbroken three-hour shriek was given in total confidence and was in no way intended for publication,” said White House aide Tim Vaughn, adding that it was mutually understood that the punishing vocalization that splattered chunks of bone and bloody grey matter across the room was intended as background only. “Unfortunately, this is just another flagrant attempt by the mainstream media to undermine the president, using privileged skull-shattering wails out of context and without permission to generate bias against the administration.” At press time, Trump was reportedly beginning to suspect that it was Bannon himself who had leaked all the previous cranium-bursting shrieks to the press.
Malala Can Tell Oxford Paired Her With Roommate Just Because They’re Both Nobel Laureates #~# BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates. “God, I bet they thought we’d magically hit it off and become best friends because we both received one of the world’s most prestigious international honors,” said Yousafzai, 20, adding that she now regretted ever having written in her housing questionnaire that her efforts on behalf of women’s education earned her the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize, an award that has “literally zero” to do with her flatmate’s groundbreaking work in chemistry. “All I wanted was to meet someone really different, but now our room will be, like, ‘The Nobel Room,’ and no one will want to come hang out. They’ll think we planned this, which is totally not the case. I just want to go to class, meet boys, and get drunk.” At press time, Yousafzai was coming around to her new roommate after learning she came from a wealthy family and would be bringing a huge plasma screen TV.
Nation Rallies Around Ronald McDonald Statue That Embodies Country’s True Heritage #~# WASHINGTON—Affirming their unwavering support for the fast food mascot, Americans rallied around a Ronald McDonald statue Thursday that they said embodied the country’s true heritage. “We refuse to let what this clown represents to our people and our way of life just be snuffed out,” said Jackson, MS resident Martin Kerpatch, one of the many demonstrators at a McDonald’s PlayPlace who had locked arms in a circle around the fiberglass sculpture of the iconic character relaxing on a bench. “You may not support everything this statue represents—we acknowledge that menu items such as the Arch Deluxe and McDLT complicate Ronald McDonald’s legacy—but to erase it from history would mean erasing the Big Mac and Chicken McNuggets as well. And we will never allow that to happen.” At press time, the protestors had begun swaying and chanting, “Ba da ba ba bah! I’m lovin’ it! Ba da ba ba bah! I’m lovin’ it!”
Girlfriend Surprises Rob Gronkowski With Relaxing Couple’s CAT Scan #~# BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans. “After a long week of practice, it was great being able to lie down along a padded bed and slowly slide through the imaging machine’s gantry with my girlfriend by my side,” said Gronkowski, adding that the week’s stress melted away as soon as he heard the calming whirr of the scanner and felt the the contrast dye coursing through his veins. “This is why my girlfriend’s the best. We’ve done ‘his and hers’ neurological exams before, but nothing releases the tension of the workweek like getting a cross-sectional image of our torsos. It really was great being able to take time out and connect in together under a magnetic field and radio waves.” The couple reportedly followed up the scans with a lumbar drain, which Gronkowski told reporters hurt at first but eventually felt “fucking amazing.”
Study Finds Expressing Anger In Unhealthy Ways Actually Incredibly Satisfying #~# BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying. “While not necessarily good for you, our findings strongly suggest that screaming at the top of one’s lungs, punching holes in walls, and hurling objects across the room can, in fact, be immensely gratifying experiences,” said head researcher Natalie Kimball, adding that the data indicates that aggressively projecting insecurities onto others or verbally abusing someone in an obscenity-laden tirade, whatever other consequences there may be, feels amazing. “In each of our trials, we indeed found that subjects who spent hours groaning about some trivial offense or brooding for multiple days before releasing their fury in a sudden, misdirected tantrum managed to greatly reduce their stress levels across the board. Against all conventional wisdom, channeling your rage into alcohol or drug binges, or really any form of maladaptive behavior directed at yourself or others, is an effective way to bring about substantial feelings of contentment.” At press time, researchers begrudgingly admitted that channeling anger into exercise or some other beneficial activity, while certainly not as satisfying, was technically what they would recommend.
Trump’s Childhood Home Listed On Airbnb #~# Donald Trump’s childhood home in Queens is available to rent on Airbnb for $725 a night, with the listing’s owner inviting guests to sleep in the bedroom where Trump was “likely conceived.” What do you think?
In Final Machiavellian Masterstoke, Area Woman Adds ‘No Gifts, Please’ To Bottom Of Invitation #~# WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday. “Who but I could have devised such a simple yet fiendishly clever addendum, sending each and every guest spiraling into the sheer madness of indecision?” Kaminski asked, a wry smile creeping across her face as she suggested showing up to her 30th birthday party empty-handed, the very implication of which would plant a seed in its reader’s mind that they must, in fact, supply a gift. “I almost pity you, dear guest, tortured so by my duplicity. And yet, it is the fruits borne of my master plan, the very birthday gifts I have expressly instructed you not to purchase, to which my mind turns in this moment—a plot most ingenious, indeed!” At press time, a manically laughing Kaminski was tenting her fingers as party guests dropped off envelopes and wrapped boxes one-by-one on the gift table.
Parent Now Just Typing 4-Year-Old Child’s Every Word Verbatim Throughout Day As Facebook Post #~# GRAND BLANC, MI—In updates that reportedly were becoming both increasingly frequent and less interesting with every new addition, local woman Kate Morris was now just typing her 4-year-old child’s every word verbatim throughout the day as Facebook posts, sources said Thursday. “I’m hungry. Can I have a snack?” wrote Morris, who had already spent several hours of her afternoon directly transcribing her child’s every passing thought and nonsensical whim exactly as she uttered them approximately every 8-14 seconds. “Can I have some apple juice now? No, milk! No, apple juice! Noooooooo! Not in that cup! I want my Spider-Man cup. Mommy, look at me now, I’m a ghost! Mommy look! Look Mommy!’” At press time, sources reported that Morris had spent the last half hour posting nothing but “Waaaaaaaaah! Waaaaaaaaah! Waaaaaaaaah!” as she struggled to put her daughter down for her midday nap.
Disney Unveils Plans For ‘Immersive’ Star Wars Hotel #~# Disney has announced plans for an immersive Star Wars hotel featuring ship-themed room designs and interactive role-playing scenarios for guests. What do you think?
A Timeline Of Elvis Presley’s Life #~# Elvis Presley, iconic rock and roll singer, guitarist, and actor, died 40 years ago today. The Onion looks back on his life.
Area Man Will Be Judge Of Whether Woman Actually True Baseball Fan #~# CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday. “She says she’s a huge baseball fan, but we’ll just see about that,” said Haggerty, peppering the woman with seemingly innocuous questions about the current National League standings and her thoughts on recent trades in order to covertly ascertain the true scope of her expertise. “Hey, where’s your favorite place to sit in Wrigley? Know who’s pitching tonight? Who are some of your favorite players from the ’90s?” At press time, Haggerty grudgingly deemed the woman a true baseball fan, but emphasized she’d never be the fan he was.
Larry Fitzgerald Confident He Has Couple Lousy Seasons That Undercut Entire Career Left In Him #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Saying he was not ready to hang up his cleats just yet, Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald told reporters Wednesday that he’s confident he still has a couple lousy seasons that undercut his entire career left in him. “I might be 33, but I can still put up a few 300-yard seasons where I miss enough games that people slowly forget just how incredible a player I was,” said Fitzgerald, who claimed he was physically and mentally prepared to tarnish his Hall of Fame career by hanging around two seasons too long before being forced into retirement by a debilitating injury. “Everyone here knows I can still contribute by failing to shake cornerbacks I used to blow by, or grabbing the occasional touchdown that gives people a mere glimpse of my former self. I definitely have enough serviceable three-catch performances left in the tank to make sure that’s how people always remember me.” Fitzgerald added that he hopes to eventually ride off into the sunset by playing a minor role on a Cardinals team that starts the season red-hot before missing the playoffs entirely.
Study Finds 1 In 8 Americans Abusing Alcohol #~# Warning that the situation is a worsening public health crisis on par with the opioid epidemic, a study has found that 1 in 8 Americans now suffer from alcohol abuse. What do you think?
Man Who Stood And Watched Robbery Acted On Pure Instinct #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur. “The adrenaline just took over the second I saw his gun, and suddenly I found myself standing there not moving a muscle,” said Ashbury, explaining that seemingly no time elapsed between him noticing someone was in danger and doing absolutely nothing while the assailant made off with the elderly victim’s handbag and necklace. “Honestly, I really can’t even take credit for what I did—I just saw an old woman in trouble and then kind of automatically slipped into a completely useless paralysis. I guess you never know what you’re capable of until that moment arrives.” Ashbury went on to say he was glad he reacted so quickly because if he had time to think, he just might have helped out.
What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism? #~# Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.
Google, GoDaddy Pull Registration For Neo-Nazi Site #~# After a post criticizing the victim of the Charlottesville terror attack, GoDaddy and Google both suspended neo-Nazi site the Daily Stormer’s registration services. What do you think?
Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark. “They basically pay me $12 an hour just to sit in a chair and work on my tan all day—not to mention flirt with the hotties—so what’s not to like?” said Ginsburg, 84, slathering sunscreen on her bare arms as she noted that while it could get a little stressful watching over the “little shits running wild” in the Kiddie Cove area, it was otherwise “pretty chill” and far better than being stuck inside all day while court was in session. “Plus, employees get half-off at the snack bar, and after work we all just go drinking or hang out in the parking lot getting fucking blazed. I’ve also been hooking up with this other lifeguard, Hunter. I hope he keeps working here during break when he goes off to college next year, but, if not, this place is crawling with studs.” Ginsburg went on to say that she definitely has a more fun off-season job than Justice Breyer, who reportedly caddies for rich assholes that never fucking tip.
Disgusted Robert Mueller Eats 2 20-Piece Chicken McNugget Meals In One Sitting In Attempt To Get Into Trump’s Mind #~# WASHINGTON—Fighting the urge to vomit as he gorged on the deep-fried, processed meat, disgusted special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly ate two McDonald’s 20-piece Chicken McNugget meals in one sitting on Tuesday in an attempt to get into President Trump’s mind. “To understand him, I must become him,” said Mueller, retching as he peeled back the lid of his eighth BBQ sauce container and dipping his 29th consecutive McNugget in the tangy condiment, an ordeal he said was the only way to truly inhabit the psyche of Donald Trump and discover “what makes him tick.” “I just have to keep pushing myself if I’m to have any hope at all of comprehending this man’s thought process. However unpleasant it may be, no matter how nauseated I may feel, I have no choice but to dunk another wad of French fries into this M&M McFlurry.” At press time, a infuriated Mueller was pounding his fists and shouting, “Who are you, dammit!” as he drank down another large KFC gravy.
President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival #~# WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival. “Despite recent changes to the council, Shoe Carnival remains firmly committed to advising the president on manufacturing policy,” said Sifford, whose company operates 555 family footwear stores across the Midwest, South, and Southeast and was named 2001 Chain Retailer of the Year by Footwear News. “I have assured President Trump that Shoe Carnival’s 40 years of experience in the industry will remain a valuable resource for the administration and that we will continue working with him on getting American manufacturing back on track and creating jobs.” At press time, Sifford was sitting down with the president to discuss Shoe Carnival’s strategy for addressing the country’s $60 billion trade deficit with Mexico.
The Dark Web Sucks Now That My Mom Is On It #~# Years ago, when I first installed Tor and discovered the dark web, it was really cool. Here was a place on the internet where I could say whatever I wanted to say, do whatever I wanted to do—I could really be myself, you know? And then my 56-year-old mother decided to join. So yeah, that pretty much seals it. The dark web officially sucks now.
Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record #~# Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
‘Sex And The City’ Star Considering NY Governor Run #~# Actress Cynthia Nixon, who portrayed Miranda on HBO’s “Sex and the City,” is reportedly considering running in the 2018 New York gubernatorial election. What do you think?
Condo Board Member Thinks Bylaw Cover-Up Might Go All The Way To Deb #~# PENSACOLA, FL—With everything becoming more and more clear the deeper he dug, local Oceanside Heights Condominium board member Carl Langford began to suspect Tuesday that a bylaw cover-up might go all the way to Deb. “Deb? This can’t be possible, could it?” said a shaken Langford, adding that while he might have expected someone like Bruce or Monica to look the other way when a new tenant brought in a dog over the 20-pound limit, he never imagined that Deb herself could be implicated. “I guess Deb thought that no one would ever connect the dots. One of the junior board members would take the fall, and she’d walk away with her hands clean. And, who knows, with her kind of power, she just might.” At press time, Langford was debating whether to confide in Tim, who, for all he knew, was in on it too.
Amazon Issues Refunds For Counterfeit Eclipse Glasses #~# Warning that the items might not protect against permanent eye damage, Amazon has issued refunds to customers who purchased counterfeit eclipse glasses. What do you think?
Man Waiting To See How Few More Decades Of Racial Violence Play Out Before Taking Action #~# DES MOINES, IA—Saying he planned to hold off for another 20 or 30 years and then assess where things stand, local man Trevor Russell was reportedly waiting to see how a few more decades of racial violence played out before taking any action, sources confirmed Monday. “I think I’ll just sit back and take a long look at how institutionalized attacks against disenfranchised minority populations fall into place over the next couple generations before I really get involved,” said Russell, 34, adding that he would have a much fuller picture of how people of color were being systematically abused by then and thus be better prepared to take a stand. “Let’s see how all the violations of human rights unfold by 2040 or 2050 before I publicly commit to resisting bigotry and hatred. I don’t want to rush into anything without really having all the facts first.” Russell added that a few decades wasn’t a hard deadline and that he’d defer action further if he felt he still needed more information.
Charlottesville Suspect Might Have Received Tacit Support From High-Level Government Figure #~# WASHINGTON—Suggesting he did not act alone but with implicit backing at the highest levels, the FBI said Monday that the suspect charged with murder for ramming his car into a crowd of protesters in Charlottesville over the weekend may have received tacit support from a powerful U.S. government figure. “While James Alex Fields Jr. was the man behind the wheel, we have every reason to believe that he benefited from the quiet patronage of someone of great importance in the American executive branch,” said FBI director Christopher Wray, adding that the agency has for months suspected that white nationalists had an influential de facto ally in that arm of government and that recent events have only validated their theory. “Rather than openly declare common cause with U.S. neo-Nazi terrorist acts, we believe this official prefers to discreetly provide assistance from a removed position where he can operate with at least a modicum of plausible deniability.” At press time, the FBI said it was not quite ready to release the individual’s name but said it likely would soon, as evidence continued to mount every day.
Target ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ Aisle Being Browsed Exclusively By 30-Year-Old Men With Studio Apartments #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Searching for affordable items to furnish their modest single-room dwellings, the ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ aisle at a local Target was reportedly being browsed Monday exclusively by 30-year-old men with studio apartments. According to sources, the customers perusing the shelves for stackable storage containers and flimsy particle board coffee tables consisted solely of thirtysomethings living in efficiencies. Reports subsequently confirmed that every one of the individuals placing twin-size bedsheets, compact microwaves, and single matching navy blue towels and washcloths in their carts had graduated from college more than a decade ago. All of the men had, at press time, decided to swing by the food aisle on the way out to stock up on Cup Noodles, including a few who were, in fact, actually closer to 40.
Cleveland Browns Players Amazed By Star Rookie Comfortable Walking Around Shirtless #~# CLEVELAND—Generating an excited buzz throughout the first three weeks of training camp, Cleveland Browns coaches and players have been amazed by how comfortable star rookie defensive end Myles Garrett appears walking around shirtless, sources confirmed Monday. “In my eleven seasons here, we’ve never had a guy with this kind of confidence and swagger,” said left tackle Joe Thomas, noting that a stunned hush fell over the team on the first day of training camp as they stared at Garrett in absolute awe when he self-assuredly jogged out onto the field for warmups wearing nothing but mesh shorts. “He’s never given being shirtless a second thought, you can tell he’s just that fucking bold and poised. It’s incredible having somebody around who has no doubt they can pull off that off, and I know it’s starting to rub off on the other guys.” At press time, sources confirmed that the entire team had timidly gathered to witness Garrett make eye contact with a reporter during a post-practice interview.
Study Casts Doubts On Health Benefits Of Pets #~# New research suggests pets might not actually confer health benefits on their owners, and that people who can afford pets are simply more likely to be healthy in the first place. What do you think?
Study: Other Countries Weird #~# BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird. “From family structure to politics to recreational activities, our survey of over 100 nations around the world found that other countries are strange and different, and don’t do things the normal way,” said lead author Nathan Bartz, noting that people in other countries dress pretty crazy, don’t listen to regular music, and drive cars that are kind of odd. “The research also strongly suggested that people in other countries usually talk weird and eat different things, and have some really bizarre-looking buildings—none of which should be surprising, given how weird these people behave as a whole.” Bartz went on to say, however, that England is actually kind of normal, but still has some weird stuff.
Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List #~# NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list. According to reports, everything from the man’s wife, to his three beloved children, to his rich store of experiences, to the lifetime of memories that cause his beating heart to well with pride and regret and love, were rendered null and void in the cold and offhand stroke of a pen upon a sticky note. Indeed, sources stated that the man’s 51 years of life—more than half a century of vivid and varied joys, heartaches, hopes, and fears—were unfeelingly whittled down to a single line item and tucked summarily and without remorse between the phrases “dry cleaning” and “groceries,” as if this child born of stardust and circumstance, this being unique in the vast tapestry of cosmic time and space was but a one-dimensional, utilitarian tool and nothing more. At press time, with the pitiless writers’ gutters now cleared of blockages and detritus, reports indicated that the phrase “call gutter guy”—the man’s singular remaining facet of an individual identity—had been brusquely crossed out, taking with it the last faint echo of his luminous, vibrant, original essence from cosmological memory.
Parents Sit Down With Child For ‘Sex, Lies, And Videotape’ Talk #~# ALLENTOWN, PA—Recognizing that their child is old enough now to have such an important conversation, local parents Nick and Karen Yates reportedly sat down with their 10-year-old son Nathaniel on Monday to have the Sex, Lies, and Videotape talk. “Seeing Sex, Lies, and Videotape is perfectly natural, but we wanted to make sure you heard the facts from us and not from some random place on the Internet,” said mother Karen Yates, adding that Steven Soderbergh’s 1989 film starring James Spader and Andie MacDowell may initially seem confusing and even uncomfortable, but that was to be expected at first. “You shouldn’t rush into it by any means. You want your first time to be with someone special. In fact, your father and I didn’t watch Sex, Lies, and Videotape until after we were married, and, honestly, we were better off for having waited that long.” Yates went on to say, however, that there was no shame in practicing watching the movie with someone else by first watching clips of it by himself in the privacy of his room.
Laptop Gets To Age When It Can Be Lightly Tossed Sometimes #~# TROY, AL—Explaining that the degree of care with which it must be handled has been steadily decreasing over time, local man Peter Shepard confirmed Monday that his laptop had reached the age where it can be lightly tossed sometimes. “It’s six years old now, so it’s okay to gently throw it every now and then, but only if it’s onto a soft surface like a couch or something,” said Shepard, who having officially relaxed his standard of care for the 13-inch MacBook Pro purchased in 2011, now often lobs it underhanded onto his bed without hesitation. “I mean, you can’t slam it on the floor or anything, but if I occasionally drop it onto a table from a few inches above, that’s not the end of the world either.” Shepard went on to say that he also has become steadily more comfortable leaving his laptop unattended in public places while he uses the restroom.
Report: Mom Sending You Something #~# PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed. “I’m sending you something,” read a text message from your mom, which went on to request that you let her know whenever you receive it. “It should be there in a few days.” At press time, your mom had emailed you a package tracking number “in case you wanted it.”
God Planning To Get Rid Of Harsh Shadows By Adding Second Sun #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying the additional light source would help soften the often stark look of the earthly realm, God, Our Holy Father, told reporters Monday that He was planning to add a second sun to eliminate some harsh shadows that have been bothering him. “I think just one more sun on the other side of the sky should resolve most of these glare and contrast issues I’m having,” said the Almighty, adding that the second sun need not burn as brightly as the original if it’s only being used as fill. “Maybe I’ll even manifest a third sun, so we can get a nice three-point system going with a backlight as well. I mean, I’d still like to preserve some of the dramatic light-to-dark transitions I’ve got with canyons and mountain ranges, but this extra illumination will really give me much more control overall.” At press time, to help Him regulate the suns and achieve exactly the effects He wanted, the Lord had created two additional moons to serve as reflectors.
Woman Longs For Caress Of Boyfriend’s Dry, Cracked, Bleeding Hands #~# WILDER, KY—Distraught over being separated from his comforting, scaly touch, area woman Anika Mitkin told reporters Saturday that she longed for the caress of her boyfriend’s dry, cracked, bleeding hands. “Oh, how I ache for those papery, peeling hands to lovingly graze my cheek,” said Mitkin, pining for the moment when her beloved would embrace her once more and gently rub the small of her back with rough, chapped fingers that flaked off skin with each stroke. “At night, I fall asleep to fantasies of his alligator-hide touch. I just can’t go on much longer without feeling his parched, calloused palms with their raw, visibly-bleeding cracks on my body.” At press time, Mitkin was yearning for the intoxicating scent of the medicated ointment that her boyfriend applies before bed.
Weird, Creepy Guy Just Hanging Around Same Website All Day Long #~# SUNNYVALE, CA—Expressing their concern at the man’s unsettling behavior, uneasy Internet users reported Saturday that some “total creep” has just been hanging around the Entertainment Weekly website all day long. “None of us know who that weirdo is—he just showed up earlier and has been lingering around the movie reviews ever since,” said 39-year-old Elaine Dolan, one of the site’s many visitors disturbed by the constant presence of the unknown individual identified only as EZRyder56, who several sources reportedly had seen on a number of prior occasions lurking around the site at all hours. “I stopped by this morning to check out the latest Game of Thrones recap real quick and I saw him there commenting on the new It reboot. And when I came back in the afternoon, he was still right there hanging around the same thread. It gave me the creeps. Doesn’t this guy have anything better to do than just stick around here all day making everyone else uncomfortable?” At press time, sources confirmed that the creepy guy had abruptly disappeared from the website, leading many to worry that he may have followed a young female user back to her social media accounts.
Walmart Apologizes For Back-To-School Gun Display #~# After a photo of the display went viral, Walmart quickly apologized for a sign above a case of rifles in one of their stores inviting customers to “Own the school year like a hero.” What do you think?
Report: Most Americans Now Getting Their News While Peeking Out Between Fingers #~# WASHINGTON—In a comprehensive analysis of the nation’s media consumption habits, a report published Friday by the Pew Research Center found that most Americans now receive their news while holding their hands over their eyes and peeking out between their fingers. “Whether in print, online, or televised form, our research indicates that 80 percent of Americans engage with news by cupping their hands over their eyes and occasionally steeling themselves to glance at the content before them,” said lead author Dr. Jacob Elam, noting that after opening a link to a news story, four out of five Americans stand up and walk away from their computers while muttering “Oh god, oh my god” before returning to their seats. “We also found that two-thirds of the American public now require at least 30 seconds of agitated hesitation before even typing ‘cnn.com’ into the address bar and, once on the site, immediately direct their attention toward several more palatable entertainment or sports articles before anxiously edging their way toward the day’s top headlines.” According to the researchers, while Americans tended to believe they’d be better off taking a day or two off from the never-ending news cycle, a solid majority throw their hands up, say “Fuck it,” and visit Twitter again.
Europe Facing Butter Shortage #~# Growing demand from China and the developing world has left Europe facing a looming butter shortage, which industry officials have called a “major crisis.” What do you think?
Economy Of Vacation Town Apparently Entirely Run By Overwhelmed High Schoolers #~# OCEAN CITY, NJ—Noting the total absence of adults with any apparent role in local commerce, visitors to Ocean City, New Jersey, told reporters Friday that the economy of the vacation town seemed run entirely by overwhelmed high schoolers. “Every restaurant and shop along the boardwalk is operated by these stressed-out teenagers running around like lunatics—I don’t think I’ve even seen a single employee even in their twenties,” said tourist Paul Shaw, observing that every ice cream shop would be completely unstaffed without harried 15-18-year-olds darting between the cash register and the frozen tubs. “It’s like everyone keeping this town afloat, from the nervous kid at the pizza parlor who can’t figure out how to do the orders on the computer system to the lifeguard anxiously watching over the entire beach himself, is an adolescent who’s got way too much on their plate. Even the kid who rented me a bicycle seemed like he’d been through the wringer.” According to sources, the teens would return to school in a few weeks, leaving the town’s economy solely under the control of a handful of bored 50-year-old locals.
MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base #~# NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base. “Today we honor the countless, brave ballplayers who got on base but never made it to home,” said commissioner Rob Manfred, who was joined by the tearful wives and children of the stranded baserunners during a somber ceremony that concluded with the reveal of the bronze statue of a player holding his hips on second base. “May we never forgot those who legged out a double or stole second base only to be stranded in scoring position, as well as the poor, desperate souls who spent an entire inning on third waiting for an RBI that never came. Their teams are forever indebted to the sacrifices they made along the base path, and with this statue, we will always remember that these men are more than just an item in the box score.” According to MLB sources, players also will begin wearing a black patch this season to honor those baserunners who were caught and never made it out of a pickle.
Olympics Considering Adding ESports To 2024 Games #~# The Paris Olympic Committee is reportedly considering adding competitive video gaming, or “eSports,” to the 2024 games. What do you think?
Trump Boys Sadly Release Pet Alligator Into Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool #~# WASHINGTON—Forced to set loose their best friend in the whole world, the Trump boys on Thursday sadly released their pet alligator into the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “Sorry, buddy, Dad says we can’t keep you anymore,” said a tearful Eric Trump as the brothers unlatched the cage containing the 900-pound American alligator, assuring the animal that he’d be happier swimming free in the waters of the National Mall than being cooped up in a White House bathtub. “It’s not your fault you took a chomp out of that stupid ol’ Resolute desk. But we’ll come back and visit real soon, don’t you worry. Now go on and get before we change our mind. Go on now.” At press time, the Trump boys realized they were in trouble all over again after the alligator dragged newly appointed Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch into the water and devoured him.
Staffer Investigating Puddle Of Slime On Floor Looks Up To Discover Coworker Cocooned In Bannon Ooze #~# WASHINGTON—Strange, viscous fluid dribbling down from the shadows above him, Trump administration staffer Jason McCabe on Thursday reportedly looked up from a puddle of slime he had been investigating to discover a fellow aide cocooned in Steve Bannon’s ooze. According to sources, McCabe had been walking alone in a dark West Wing corridor when he noticed by the light of his flashlight that he had stepped in a gluey, greenish-white substance and followed the trickle upwards to where coworker Jonathan Meslow was affixed to the ceiling in thick clumps of the White House chief strategist’s mucous. Sources indicate that McCabe then uttered the phrase “Dear God” as he pointed his flashlight at the aide’s contorted face, then guided the beam further down Meslow’s body to a large cavity in his abdomen where Bannon had presumably gouged out his entrails. Retching from the ghastly sight and the putrid stench, McCabe reportedly turned to leave when his flashlight suddenly flickered and died, at which point scuttling sounds began to emerge from the darkness.
Hackers Ransoming Confidential HBO Data #~# Days after leaking episodes of several HBO shows, hackers who attacked the network have posted an online ransom note demanding that HBO pay them or suffer further leaks. What do you think?
Man Surveys Party For Next Group To Silently Stand In #~# RALEIGH, NC—Determining the time had come to seek out livelier company, local man Thomas Weber reportedly surveyed the party he was attending Thursday for the next group he could silently stand in. “Let’s see, which of these clusters of people do I want to linger in for the next half hour or so without saying a single word?” thought Weber, who sources said had grown bored with the stale conversation of the partygoers he was mutely hovering around. “Those people over by the refrigerator seem interesting. Maybe I’ll wander over to grab a beer and then just sort of loiter around the periphery smiling and nodding my head every so often.” At press time, no one in attendance had realized Weber left the party without saying goodbye to anyone.
Jim Harbaugh Spends Post-Practice Interview Heaping Praise On Blade Of Grass That Really Impressed Him #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Excitedly touting the toughness and perfect form that elevate it above the millions of blades he watches every day, Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh spent a post-practice interview Thursday heaping praise on a blade of grass on the field that really impressed him. “It’s been doing a hell of a job in camp, that’s for sure, and you can tell it’s not afraid of taking a hit,” said Harbaugh, who effusively complimented the single strand of grass’s ability to bounce back after getting stepped on and it’s selfless, no-nonsense work ethic, noting that the grass appears at practice every day before he himself even gets there. “It never complains, and it does its job every single day. That’s the kind of grass I want on my field. It has the true heart of a champion, and watching it out there putting in a hard day’s work always gets me jacked up.” Harbaugh then confirmed for reporters that he had cut several thousand blades of grass from the field this week after determining they did not meet his expectations for Michigan turf.
Hillary Clinton Opens New Presidential Library Charting Course Of Purely Theoretical Tenure As Commander In Chief #~# PARK RIDGE, IL—At a ribbon-cutting ceremony held Tuesday on the steps of the recently completed 200,000-square-foot facility, Hillary Clinton opened a new presidential library and museum that commemorates the presidency she might have had if elected. “Visitors to the Hillary Rodham Clinton Presidential Center can learn all about her tenure as commander in chief as it hypothetically might have unfolded over two terms in office,” read a press release issued by the library, which archives thousands of pages of correspondence the former candidate wrote herself on replica Oval Office letterhead, displays pens she could have used to sign landmark legislation, and otherwise chronicles the pivotal moments of her nonexistent presidency. “Preserved here for future generations are the texts of the seven State of the Union addresses she would have delivered, as well as filmed interviews in which Clinton reflects on imagined signature achievements such as the 2019 Paid Family and Medical Leave Act and a new U.S.-led climate treaty that future historians would have credited with ending the world’s dependence on fossil fuels.” Sources said the museum also contains exhibits on the Supreme Court justices Clinton would have appointed to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Anthony Kennedy, and Stephen Breyer, presuming they had all died during her presidency.
Trump Cancels Sleep Disorder Screenings For Truckers #~# The White House has rescinded a rule requiring truck drivers to be screened for obstructive sleep apnea, a condition which can cause sufferers to spontaneously fall asleep. What do you think?
Paul Manafort Spends Afternoon Making House Look Presentable For Next FBI Raid #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—Embarrassed by the piles of clutter in virtually every room, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort reportedly spent the afternoon Wednesday making his house look presentable before the next predawn FBI raid. “The next time the FBI shows up at my door without advance warning, this place is going to be spick and span,” said Manafort, who fluffed couch cushions, folded a basket of freshly washed laundry, and then went room to room to empty waste baskets, noting that the house was so messy that the agents searching for incriminating documents must have thought he was a total slob. “It was humiliating standing there and watching them rifling through my desk drawers, which were just crammed with loose papers and unopened junk mail. Then I almost died when they were rummaging around under the couch and discovered the missing television remote, pieces of popcorn, and these huge clumps of dog hair—at that moment, with all those FBI officers crawling around, I wished more than anything that I had vacuumed.” At press time, an extremely anxious Manafort was hoping the FBI agents that had just entered his home wouldn’t notice he had forgotten to dust around the bookshelf.
Authorities Confirm North Korea Now Has Missile Capable Of Hitting Sam Waterston’s House #~# WASHINGTON—Offering a stark and sobering assessment of the consequences of a military conflict with the nuclear-armed nation, the Central Intelligence Agency confirmed Wednesday that North Korea now possesses missile technology capable of reaching Sam Waterston’s house. “According to an analysis of satellite images and data gathered from recent tests, it appears that the residence of longtime Law & Order actor Sam Waterston now lies within the range of North Korea’s intercontinental ballistic missiles,” said CIA spokesperson Rebecca Levin, explaining in bleak terms how the multitalented star of both screen and stage would have only 10 minutes of advance warning in the event of a launched attack, likely making it impossible for the Academy Award nominee to safely flee any direct strike on his property. “While we have a high degree of confidence in our country’s anti-ballistic missile defense system, there remains a possibility that an incoming ICBM could enter American airspace and detonate directly above Mr. Waterston. This is a distinct and terrifying prospect that I can assure you we do not take lightly.” Levin added that, while the intelligence remains as yet inconclusive, it appears that North Korea may possess multiple functional nuclear warheads, leaving open the dire possibility of a simultaneous strike on Waterston’s primary residence, vacation home, and sailboat.
Heinz Introduces New Quick-Recovery Sports Ketchup #~# PITTSBURGH—Calling it a perfect way to rapidly replenish essential nutrients after an intense workout, Heinz on Wednesday introduced a new quick-recovery sports ketchup to their line of food products. “Our new Post-Workout Recovery Ketchup is specially formulated with electrolytes and a dozen other minerals to help you rehydrate, re-energize, and get back in the game,” said Heinz spokesperson Danny Paylor of the condiment, which comes in both bottles and single ketchup packets he described as a “great on-the-go energy squirt” for athletes. “Whether it’s serious cardio or heavy reps on weights, this ketchup is supercharged with enough potassium and magnesium to restore you to peak performance fast—you don’t want to hit the gym without it.” Paylor went on to say that the ketchup works most effectively if paired with Heinz’s new Pre-Workout Homestyle Relish.
Report: Rich Suitors Able To Correctly Guess Beautiful Woman’s Dress Size 92% Of Time #~# NEW YORK—Finding a remarkable consistency in such individuals’ predictive ability, a report released Wednesday by Columbia University found that rich suitors are able to correctly guess a beautiful woman’s dress size 92 percent of the time. “Our research shows that in more than nine out of ten cases, wealthy admirers can accurately determine a woman’s measurements based on sight alone and have a perfectly fitted evening gown or cocktail dress tailored for them virtually overnight,” said lead researcher Alison Yu, adding that, almost without fail, these dashing gentlemen were able to not only select a dress that was just right for an elegant night at the opera or a black-tie gala, but also somehow manage to leave it as a surprise in an ornate box on the woman’s bed with a handwritten note to simply “Wear this tonight.” “Perhaps even more remarkably, the suitors can guess details right down to the color of the necklace that precisely complements the woman’s eyes when they clasp it around her neck from behind.” The report went on to say, however, that in the remaining 8 percent of cases, the size estimates were wildly inaccurate, and the women received bedsheet-sized dresses tailored for someone eight feet tall.
What To Expect From James Comey’s Book #~# Former FBI director James Comey is writing a book due out next spring about leadership, decision-making, and his time at the FBI. Here’s what to look for when the book is released.
Man 20 Minutes Into Organizing Shelves Becomes Grimly Aware Of What Chaos He Has Wrought #~# VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—All semblance of harmony lost in the maelstrom of books, electronics, and random keepsakes that lay before him, local man Ron Beck reportedly became grimly aware of what chaos he had wrought 20 minutes into organizing his bedroom shelves Wednesday. “Oh God, what have I done?” said Beck, realizing far too late that he had set himself upon a dark and perilous path through random power cords, scattered binders, and old CDs from which there was no turning back. “I never would have done this had I known my fate would be as Pandora opening her box. But now the old order is in ruins. Nothing remains but the mayhem I have fashioned with my own hands and folly!” At press time, Beck, knowing he had no choice but to forge ahead no matter what awaited him, took a deep breath and solemnly removed an LSAT study guide from the pile.
Marijuana Company Buys California Town #~# A marijuana-growing company has purchased the entire 120-acre town of Nipton, CA, with plans to turn it into a “cannabis-friendly hospitality destination.” What do you think?
Report: Pickup Basketball Player Too Sweaty To Guard #~# MEMPHIS, TN—Allowing his competitive spirit to give way to revulsion, local 27-year-old Philip Rayburn reported Thursday that a fellow pickup basketball player was too sweaty to guard. “I know I need to stay on him when he starts trying to back me down in the post, but I really don’t want to touch his sopping wet back,” said Rayburn, who on no less than six occasions passively gave up the lane rather than risk banging into the sweat-drenched man barreling toward him. “I don’t even like boxing him out on rebounds because he just drips down on top of me. Christ, I can’t even hand check him without getting wet.” At press time, the man had reportedly just returned from a water break dripping from the mouth with a combination of drool, sweat, and Gatorade.
Climate Change Making Crops Less Nutritious #~# Researchers warn that increased levels of atmospheric carbon are causing lower nutrient content in many crops, which could lead to serious vitamin deficiencies worldwide. What do you think?
The Onion’s Fall TV Preview #~# Networks are just weeks away from debuting their Fall lineups, featuring both new shows and returning favorites. The Onion breaks down what to watch this Fall.
Report: Rise In Global Temperatures Likely To Increase Number of Americans Who Fucking Reek #~# WASHINGTON—Sounding the alarm on yet another devastating effect of climate change, a report released Tuesday by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration found that even a modest rise in global temperatures is likely to increase the number of Americans who fucking reek. “If the upward trend in average global temperature continues, we’ll almost certainly see a corresponding uptick in the proportion of Americans who just stink like rancid cheese,” said lead author Roger Agnew, explaining that with each degree centigrade the climate warms, the number of Americans who can singlehandedly clear out a room with their B.O. grows exponentially. “Our models project that the heat trapped by elevated levels of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere could cause as many as 50 million Americans to develop an unbearably ripe stench capable of wafting as far as the Canadian border. We must ask ourselves: Do we want our children to inherit a world that smells like total ass?” Fanning the air in front of his nose, Agnew emphasized that climate change was real and that the effects of it could already be detected.
Robert Mueller Dreading Returning From 2-Month European Vacation To Start Russia Investigation #~# COLLODI, ITALY—Sipping from a glass of wine at a small outdoor café in a small Tuscan hill town, Special Counsel Robert Mueller confirmed Tuesday that he was feeling dread about returning from his two-month European vacation to start the investigation into Russia meddling in the 2016 presidential campaign. “I’ve been pushing it all to the back of my mind and trying to relax, because I know that when I get back I’ll be slammed with a ton of annoying phone calls, emails, and paperwork,” said Mueller, who reportedly has been touring Italian vineyards for the past two weeks after completing a sailing expedition through the Greek isles in a “much-needed escape” from Washington, D.C. before beginning his probe into potential collusion between Russia and the Trump presidential campaign. “I took a quick peek at my phone the other day, and I had 1,200 unread messages. God, I don’t want to go back. I know the work is just going to keep piling up the longer I put it off, but it’s heaven here. I never want to leave.” At press time, Mueller was rescheduling his return flight back to America to fit in a few days of scuba diving and parasailing in the French Riviera.
New Evidence Suggests Humans May Have Been Dipping Crunchy Things Into Gooey Things Earlier Than Previously Thought #~# KOOBI FORA, KENYA—Saying their findings could offer fresh insight into the dietary habits of our prehistoric ancestors, archaeologists from Rice University announced Tuesday that they had unearthed new evidence suggesting humans may have been dipping crunchy things into gooey things far earlier than previously thought. “While the scientific community has generally believed that dipping crunchy things into gooey things began some 4,000 years ago with ancient Babylonians dunking crusty flatbreads in a variety of jellies and fish pastes, our research indicates that the practice actually began more than a million years earlier,” said lead researcher Nicolas Farr, adding that the newly discovered fossil remains of Homo erectus point to the species dipping local root vegetables into pools of coagulated blood from game animals such as gazelles and antelopes, and even heating it with newly harnessed fire to achieve a more melty consistency. “While it’s possible that still older hominids made crude attempts at a crunchy-gooey dietary convention—perhaps dipping strips of tree bark into animal dung—it’s unlikely that evidence would be preserved in the fossil record after all this time.” Farr went on to say that a series of ancient Roman legal tablets, however, remains the most recent evidence of a codified prohibition against double-dipping.
Milestones Of HBO’s ‘Hard Knocks’ #~# With the 12th season of the critically-acclaimed documentary series premiering tonight, Onion Sports looks back on some of the show’s most memorable moments.
Glitter iPhone Cases Recalled Due To Chemical Burns #~# MixBin has recalled 263,000 of its liquid glitter iPhone cases after some customers received chemical burns when the cases broke and leaked fluid on their skin. What do you think?
Man Who Jumped Motorcycle Onto Hijacked Bullet Train Never Thought He’d See Stories Like His Being Told By Hollywood #~# FULLERTON, CA—Having grown up seeing few characters he could relate to on the big screen, local man Jake Champney, who once jumped a motorcycle onto a hijacked bullet train, told reporters Tuesday that he never thought he’d see the day when Hollywood would tell stories like his. “After all these years, it’s really validating to finally see movies where a guy launches his Kawasaki Ninja H2R off a bridge, lands it cleanly atop a train speeding toward Tokyo at 200 mph, and then disconnects the passenger cars right before the engine explodes,” said Champney, 35, adding that he was grateful his children will be able to grow up watching films in which a person leaps from a train at the last possible second to escape the ball of flame erupting behind him. “Representation is so important. When I was a kid, it felt as if no one cared about the experiences of the guy who was clinging to the landing skids of an airborne helicopter or inching his way along the bottom of a moving semi truck and up toward the cab. Thankfully we’ve made a lot of progress since then.” Champney went on to say that he wouldn’t get complacent, noting that bullied teenagers mentored by martial-arts masters living in their apartment complex only got to see themselves in a handful of movies before Hollywood turned its back on them completely.
Elvis Costello Poster Starting To Suspect It Will Never Be Framed #~# ATHENS, GA—Figuring it would have happened by now if it was ever going to, an Elvis Costello poster reportedly started to suspect Tuesday that it will ultimately never be framed. “I’ve been up here like six months and still nothing—I’m worried the guy who owns me has just gotten used to seeing me this way,” said the poster of the British singer-songwriter, admitting to reporters he was losing hope that the adhesive on its four corners was merely a temporary setup until the frame was purchased. “When he moved to another apartment back in June, I thought that might remind him of his original plan to have me framed, but he just stuck me on a brand-new wall. Oh well, it’s not like Bowie’s framed, and he’s been around way longer than I have.” At press time, the poster hoped its owner would frame it after one of its corners detached from the wall but could only sigh when it was smoothed back into place with an extra piece of sticky tack.
Google Engineer Writes Controversial Gender Manifesto #~# An unnamed Google engineer sparked a social media outcry with a 3,300-word manifesto arguing disparities between men and women in tech come from biological differences rather than discrimination. What do you think?
Flesh-Eating Bacteria Wishing It Hadn’t Filled Up On Foot #~# RICHMOND, VA—Expressing regret over stuffing itself so early in the meal, a local flesh-eating bacterium was reportedly wishing Monday that it hadn’t filled up so much on foot. “Oh, god, I just started pigging out on that delicious heel wound, and I guess I didn’t realize how much necrotic tissue I was scarfing down,” said the microorganism Pseudomonas, lamenting that it was way too full to even enjoy the pair of mouthwatering calves. “This always happens. I just go to town on one appendage and leave no room to finish the rest of the body. I really need to learn better impulse control.” At press time, the bacterium was comforted by the fact that it could save some of that tasty bicep for later.
Nation’s Sexual Degenerates Impatient For Gay Marriage Slippery Slope To Kick In #~# WASHINGTON—Assuming they’d be stripping away the moral fabric of society almost immediately after the Supreme Court’s 2015 decision to legalize same-sex marriage, the nation’s degenerates reported Monday that they have grown impatient for the gay marriage slippery slope to kick in. “We were promised that when gay marriage was legalized, it’d only be a matter of time before sickos like me would be having sex with our pets—well, I’ve got a dog and a cat I still haven’t fucked,” said an exasperated Alan Beleski, 42, one of the deviants from across the country who told reporters they were tired of waiting for the inevitable collapse in decency that would normalize acts such as bestiality, incest, and necrophilia. “Goddammit, what’s taking so long? When gay marriages were finally recognized in this country, I thought, ‘Hell yeah! I can finally openly proclaim my love for my sex doll, and I can also legally marry five other dolls because polygamy’s A-okay, too.’ But all that seems like a million years ago.” At press time, the nation’s degenerates took small comfort in states like Massachusetts where, with parental and court approval, a child can be married off at any age.
Report: U.S. Economy Loses $20 Billion Annually To Americans Writing Ideas Down Illegibly #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that such sloppiness came at a significant financial cost, a report released by the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis on Monday found that the U.S. loses $20 billion each year to Americans writing ideas down illegibly. “The data strongly suggests that Americans’ inability to decipher their own hastily jotted notes for a variety of groundbreaking innovations results in billions being forfeited annually,” said lead author Adam Hofmann, noting that all sectors of the economy were negatively impacted by revenue squandered due to unreadable scribbles of inspiration. “These notes, scrawled late at night after suddenly waking up with a brilliant new industry-disrupting technology, would have had the potential to significantly increase the country’s economic output if only it were possible to make any sense of them the next morning. Instead, we are left with scraps of paper with tantalizing but incomprehensible fragments such as ‘mist goes up into the diesel trunk’ and ‘bi-locking valves=friction reduction’ accompanied by a doodle of a triangle in a square.” Hofmann added that an additional $5 billion was lost from Americans who neglected their existing jobs while racking their brains to remember what the hell they wrote.
Picture Most Closely Resembling Actual Self Immediately Deleted #~# CORVALLIS, OR—Instantly repulsed by the startling image, local woman Monica Arquette immediately deleted a picture that, above all others ever taken of her, most closely resembled her actual self, sources reported Monday. “God, I hate this one,” said Arquette, promptly wiping from her phone’s memory the most authentic photo of her currently in existence, both in representing her physical form and in capturing her overall essence as a person. “I look so weird. Not a chance I’m showing this hideous thing to anyone.” At press time, Arquette was thrilled with a picture that vaguely approximated her actual self if squinted at long enough.
Heaven Adds Guardrail After Fifth Angel Plunges Over Edge #~# THE HEAVENS—Responding to concerns about the safety of the celestial domain, a spokesperson for God confirmed Monday that guardrails were being added along the perimeter of the Kingdom of Heaven after a fifth angel plunged over its edge in as many months. “Although warning signs have been posted around the slippery cloud edge for trillions of millennia, we hope this new infinite golden rail will prevent any further incidents,” said the archangel Raphael, adding that the Almighty was already dealing with several lawsuits over accidents resulting from souls leaning too far over the scenic outer rim or the occasional misstep of a drunk cherub. “We don’t want to ruin everyone’s enjoyment of Eternal Paradise’s glorious panoramic views, but the welfare of our residents has to take priority, not to mention the considerable cost of search efforts on the earthly realm.” At press time, heavenly officials announced that they would also be appointing a full-time lifeguard at the water of life after a seraph was discovered floating facedown in it.
Male Cockatoos Use Drumming To Woo Mates #~# Researchers have found that male cockatoos craft drumstick-like tools that they use to attract mates by drumming a steady beat for up to 30 minutes at a time. What do you think?
Local Restaurant Makes Foolhardy Attempt At Second Location #~# CINCINNATI—Stunning observers with the reckless and arrogant overextension of their modest business, local restaurant Angelo’s Pizzeria was making a foolhardy attempt at a second location, sources reported Monday. “This shocking hubris will be their undoing,” said one source with knowledge of the situation, dumbfounded that a casual dining establishment of such humble seating capacity would so naively divide what limited resources it had. “Does this restaurant, with its small, uninspired menu, truly believe this scheme can succeed? That the neighborhood of Hyde Park, already blessed with an abundance of pizza options, cries out for yet more of that same fare? No, only vanity, only rank greed, can explain an expansion this ruinous, and the calamity that awaits will be richly earned.” At press time, Angelo’s Pizzeria, unhindered by any notion of common sense or decency, announced they would now be open for brunch at both locations.
New Sunscreen Made From DNA #~# A team of scientists has developed a DNA-based sunscreen prototype made from salmon sperm, which lasts indefinitely and grows stronger over time. What do you think?
Rec Sports League Organizer Needs To Cool It With The Emails #~# BAKERSFIELD, CA—Citing the frequent and unnecessary missives sent out at all hours of the day, sources confirmed Friday that the league representative from the company Bakersfield Sportz needed to cool it with all the emails. “Jesus Christ, this guy just sent us another fucking update on the league standings,” player Tyler Judson reportedly said to himself after reading the latest email, which, according to sources, was just one of six sent that week alone that included reminders to bring plenty of water and make sure they had enough players to field a team. “This guy needs to seriously slow his roll with all of these goddamn messages. Yeah, we know the game is on field two and that there’s a 20 percent chance of rain for the game. We all have an internet connection. I mean, holy shit, just relax buddy.” At press time, livid sources confirmed that the league organizer had begun sending out group text messages.
Local Dipshit Planning On Fighting Trump Administration Through Art #~# HUDSON, NY—Saying he felt compelled to personally respond to the actions of a president he views as vicious and corrupt, local dipshit Scott Rudnick announced Thursday his intention to fight the Trump administration through his art.
John Kelly Roots Out Remaining Priebus Sympathizers Hiding In Tunnels Throughout White House #~# WASHINGTON—Systematically eliminating any resistance to his new position as the president’s chief of staff, John Kelly moved through the White House on Friday rooting out any remaining Reince Priebus sympathizers hiding in tunnels throughout the residence. “I’ve gotta stamp them all out, every last one,” said Kelly, a retired Marine Corps general, dropping a grenade down a shaft in which he’d heard rustling from several White House aides loyal to his predecessor. “There was a real nasty pocket of ’em near the Briefing Room that still refused to recognize any press secretary except Sean Spicer. I had to smoke them out with tear gas and gut ’em one by one. These bastards sure don’t go down easy. Some of them keep trying to implement Priebus’ agenda right up until the moment they finish bleeding out.” At press time, Kelly had emptied a can of gasoline into a crawl space hiding several Anthony Scaramucci loyalists before setting it ablaze with the butt of his cigar.
Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole #~# SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole. “I’ve been giving it some serious thought, and I’ve finally decided to take the plunge and start treating people like shit,” said Halloran, 29, adding that he had several friends who became assholes, and it seemed to be working out for them. “I’m just going to see how it feels for now, no pressure. If it doesn’t work out, I could always go back to acting like a decent person. But who knows? Maybe becoming an asshole is exactly what I need.” At press time, Halloran had decided that becoming a total asshole was more challenging than he thought and had settled on just being kind of a dick for the time being.
76 Million Baby Boomers Abscond To Fiji After Draining Nation’s Social Security, Medicare Accounts #~# WOODLAWN, MD—Arriving en masse to the Pacific island nation after fleeing under the cover of night, 76 million baby boomers reportedly escaped to Fiji on Friday after completely draining the nation’s Social Security and Medicare accounts.
Redbox Debuts New Touchscreen In Back Of Kiosk For Pornographic Features #~# OAKBROOK TERRACE, IL—In an effort to provide customers with the most affordable and convenient sexually explicit entertainment, Redbox on Friday debuted a new touchscreen on the back side of the automated kiosk for renting pornographic features. “Simply slide into the discreet gap between the Redbox and the grocery store’s exterior wall and then tap the ‘get started’ button to peruse up to 600 different X-rated offerings,” said company spokesperson Natalie Verrone, explaining that casual viewers and connoisseurs alike will be able to find what they’re looking for, from classics like 1978’s Debbie Does Dallas to the latest hardcore compilations of lesbian coeds, deep throat blow jobs, and amateur gang bangs. “Whether you’re in the mood for filthy smut that will leave you feeling disgusted with yourself or tasteful erotica you can enjoy with a partner, just slink to the back of one of our 40,000 kiosks, located everywhere from supermarkets to drugstores to gas stations, even McDonald’s.” At press time, Redbox announced the discontinuation of the pornography touchscreen, as nearly every customer reportedly watched a trailer and then hurriedly departed without ever renting the DVD.
Wisconsin Company Microchipping Employees #~# Three Square Market, a Wisconsin company, is offering to implant microchips in employees’ hands that can be used to open doors and purchase items in the cafeteria. What do you think?
NASA Seeks Habitat Designs For Mars Mission #~# At NASA’s request, several companies are building prototype space habitats capable of housing astronauts for a nine-month journey to Mars. What do you think?
Nation Inspired By Bravery Of Teen Just Wearing Bikini Right Into McDonald’s #~# WASHINGTON—Deeply moved by her boldness under such circumstances, citizens from around the country were reportedly inspired Thursday by the bravery of a teenager who walked into a local McDonald’s wearing only a bikini. “She strode right up to the counter in just this two-piece and placed her order—I mean, that takes some real courage,” said Denise Klimpf, one of the millions of admiring Americans who noticed that the intrepid teen had not draped a towel over her bare shoulders or covered her bikini bottom in a sarong or even denim cutoffs. “She came in, got exactly what she wanted, and walked to her booth without an ounce of self-consciousness. Then later on, like it was nothing, she strolled three-quarters of the way across the restaurant to get a soda refill. Man, I’d kill for that kind of confidence.” Reached for comment, the teenager said she could tell everyone was judging her and would definitely be using the drive-thru window next time.
Plan To Be More Positive Off To Shitty Fucking Start #~# PITTSBURGH—Confirming that the change in outlook was already a massive pain in the ass, area woman Jen McKessy reported Thursday that her plan to be more positive was off to a shitty fucking start. “Well, I’m not even three days into giving optimism a shot, and it already sucks,” said McKessy, adding that her plan to live in the moment and give people the benefit of the doubt was probably a hopelessly naïve idea to begin with and that a smarter, less awful person would have realized this from the very beginning. “I can’t believe how quickly keeping things in perspective has gotten fucking unbearable. I mean, maybe I should feel proud that a fuck-up like me has even lasted 72 hours with a positive attitude, but there’s no way I’m missing out on an opportunity to feel like shit.” At press time McKessy’s revised plan to complain to everyone she knows was off to an excellent start.
Choosing The Right Dog For You #~# Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.
John Cena Purchases $4 Million 18th-Century Wrought Iron Cage At Auction #~# NANTUCKET, MA—Narrowly outbidding dozens of other competitors to take home the rare and precious antique, professional wrestler John Cena reportedly purchased an 18th-century wrought iron cage at auction Monday for $4 million. “When you see the attention to detail on each and every beam, especially in the corners by the ring posts, you realize the remarkable craftsmanship that used to go into welding one of these,” Cena said of the 20-ton collector’s piece while admiring the ornate ribbon patterns adorning the cage’s single 12-foot gate that wrestlers of the era once angrily swung open before participating in no-holds-barred matches. “There’s certainly some pitting and slight corrosion near the top where wrestlers would have hung before crashing down for a leg drop, but otherwise it’s in incredible condition for its age. I’ve always loved the look of these hand-forged lantern hooks they used to light up the ring, but they were largely phased out by the1780s, which makes this an exceptionally unique piece indeed.” At press time, Cena was reportedly emitting a thunderous, primal scream after movers accidentally dropped the cage while transporting it into his home.
Studio Making ‘Words With Friends’ TV Show #~# MGM Television is developing a gameshow based on 8-year-old smartphone game “Words With Friends.” What do you think?
Extra Strip Of Wrapping Paper Taped Over Present’s Weird Edge #~# KENT, OH—Furrowing her brow in concentration as she struggled with the item’s irregular shape, local woman Ashley Sanborne decided Wednesday to affix an extra strip of wrapping paper to the weird edge of a gift. “I guess this looks decent enough,” said Sanborne as she delicately maneuvered the patch of paper over the present’s tricky angle. “I mean, the patterns don’t line up, but there’s no way I can pull that off. I knew I should have gone with tissue paper and a nice decorative bag.” At press time, Sanborne had landed upon the solution of just telling everyone that her husband was the one who wrapped the gift.
Report: South Korea Developing New Pop Group Capable Of Reaching U.S. #~# WASHINGTON—Warning that a successful launch would constitute a grave threat to American population centers from coast to coast, leading analysts confirmed Wednesday that South Korea is currently developing a new pop group capable of reaching the United States.
U.S. Scientists Create First Genetically Modified Embryo #~# Although the technique had already been used in China, scientists have now created the first genetically modified embryo in the U.S., raising concerns about “designer babies.” What do you think?
Experimental Anti-Aging Treatment Still Has Few Kinks, Report Infant Researchers #~# BOSTON—Calling it a minor setback for what otherwise appeared to be a promising new medical intervention, a team of infant researchers announced Wednesday that their experimental anti-aging treatment still has a few kinks. “Though broadly successful across several different metrics, there were a few unforeseen, but relatively minor, complications in our initial trials that we are currently working to address,” said lead researcher Dr. Leonard Rothman, spittle dribbling down his pudgy cheek as he struggled to peek his little, bald head above the podium. “We have achieved tremendous results over the course of our tests, and although we’ve run into a few hitches along the way, we are confident that this will be a viable treatment.” Dr. Rothman added that his team very much looked forward to completing their work when their bodies were once again developed enough to operate lab equipment.
Experts Warn Repeated Attempts At Eradicating Obamacare May Have Created Ultra-Resistant Super Law #~# WASHINGTON—After persistent efforts by Republicans to wipe out the healthcare law over the past seven years, experts warned Wednesday that the repeated attempts at eradicating Obamacare may have created an ultra-resistant super law. “Given the frequency with which lawmakers have unsuccessfully tried to exterminate the Affordable Care Act, the growing resiliency of this legislation could soon be insurmountable,” said Institute for Healthcare Improvement senior fellow Curt Greenwood, adding that the landmark healthcare overhaul could grow impervious to any repeal measures or even major amendments within just a few short congressional sessions. “What we once thought would be eliminated by now will instead require considerably more time and resources. And at a certain point, no interventions on the part of any branch of government will be sufficient to overcome the ACA’s built-in resistance.” According to Greenwood, however, hope remained that sufficiently high doses of single-payer healthcare legislation could potentially offer a cure. 
American Airlines Admirals Club Installs Two-Way Mirror For Members To Enjoy Misery Of Passengers In Gate Waiting Area #~# FORT WORTH, TX—In an effort to provide the most luxurious experience to their most preferred clientele, American Airlines announced Wednesday that they had installed two-way mirrors in their Admirals Club lounges so that members could enjoy the misery of the passengers in the gate waiting area. “These wall-length two-way mirrors allow our premium customers to relish the discomfort of the masses as they wait at cramped, overcrowded gates for their flights,” said spokeswoman Alexa Sheehan, explaining that gawking at ordinary passengers sitting on the dirty airport carpet while resting their backs on their carry-ons would make the Admirals Club reclining leather chairs that much more satisfying. “As always, our members can indulge in our complimentary cocktails and gourmet food options, but now with the added perk of watching stressed-out travelers who have only eaten french fries all day struggle to get comfortable in their neck pillows. And if they want a break from getting important work done at our Wi-Fi-enabled business center, they can just savor the herds of commoners wandering around in search of one of three available outlets to plug in their charger.” At press time, American was considering installing completely transparent glass after some Admirals Club members complained that people suffering at the gate couldn’t see firsthand all the perks they were missing out on.
‘Moonlight’ Actor To Star In ‘True Detective’ Season 3 #~# Mahershala Ali, who won the best supporting actor Oscar for his role in “Moonlight,” has been confirmed to star in the third season of HBO’s “True Detective.” What do you think?
Family Excited To See Dad Making Friends In New Neighborhood #~# ARLINGTON, MA—Fondly watching him as he joined a group of other men his age huddled around a classic car, members of the Altman family were reportedly excited Wednesday to see their dad making friends in their new neighborhood. “He was kind of hanging back at first, so he needed a little nudging, but now it seems like Dad’s really hitting it off with the other guys on the block,” said daughter Kelly Altman, 17, adding that while the family had to prod him into introducing himself to the dad across the street, he had returned home with a big smile on his face and plans to watch the Red Sox game later in the week. “He’s just one of those dads that needs a little time to warm up. But ever since he met that nice accountant down the street who likes camping and barbecue as much as he does, it’s like they’re inseparable. In fact, I think they’re out in the backyard assembling a smoker right now.” Altman added that, while she was happy for her father, she hoped he wouldn’t start hanging out with bad influences like that rowdy single dad who’s always blasting rock music out of his garage.
Ominous Darkness Descending On Webpage Portends Grim Age Of Autoplaying Ad To Come #~# PORTSMOUTH, NH—The woeful pall unfurling quickly across the illuminated text, an ominous darkness Wednesday foretold that the grim age of an autoplaying ad had come to pass. “An unholy mist intercedes between mine eyes and the Esquire homepage,” said local man Marc Hammons, even now perceiving in the distance the baleful synthesized fanfare of the approaching Mazda video. “Fortune’s fool, I wagered I would be spared and forsook my ad blocker, and now a pitiless gloom that will abide for 30 seconds has descended. No X in the corner will succor me. No five-second opt-out will rekindle the embers beneath this wicked mist. Lo, the Mazda Summer Sales Event nears. Stop my ears with wax! Forgive me! Forgive me!” At press time, Hammons had, with but one errant stroke, clicked on the ad and now smiled ruefully, an accursed soul fully resigned to his damnation.
Netflix $20 Billion In Debt #~# Video streaming giant Netflix is reportedly $20 billion in debt, leading some analysts to warn that the company is a bubble in danger of bursting. What do you think?
‘Leaking Sure Is Cool, Huh, Guys?’ Says Disguised John Kelly To White House Aides #~# WASHINGTON—Straightening his synthetic wig before casually approaching a nearby lunch table, a disguised Chief of Staff John Kelly reportedly set down his tray, pulled over a chair, and said “Leaking sure is cool, huh, guys?” to a group of White House aides dining in the West Wing commissary Tuesday. “Anybody else just love leaking information to the press, or have any fun leaking stories they want to tell? It’s totally cool if you do; everybody’s doing it,” said Kelly, who then asked the group what their “absolute favorite things to leak” were before taking a bite of his sandwich and intently observing the staffers’ reactions from behind his prop glasses. “I was thinking about getting a group together to hang out and do some leaking this afternoon. How about it? Who’s game for a couple of brewskies and calling the New York Times to share confidential information about the president on condition of anonymity? I’m buying!” As of press time, more than half a dozen newspapers had printed accounts from unnamed White House sources alleging that Kelly was already succumbing to the pressures of overseeing the Trump administration and likely wouldn’t last much longer in his role.
My Advice To Anyone Starting A Business Is To Remember That Someday I Will Crush You #~# As you might imagine, I often get asked by young entrepreneurs for advice on how to start a business. What many seem to want is some sort of trick, some magic set of tools that will allow them to launch a thriving startup from scratch. Well, there’s no magic involved, but the keys to success are quite simple: Value your customers, hire well, find a market that isn’t being served, and realize that someday I will utterly crush you.
Choosing The Right School For Your Child #~# With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.
‘You Deserve Better Than The Person You’re Dating,’ Reports Little Voice In Back Of Mind #~# SAN DIEGO—Insisting you’ll never be truly happy until you found the superior partner you’re more than entitled to, a little voice in the back of your mind reported Tuesday that you deserve much better than the person you’re dating. “Why is someone like you settling for someone like this?” said the nagging voice, mounting an increasingly convincing argument for you to walk away and find someone who is actually worthy of you. “You’re amazing, and you know it. You could be out there with anybody. Deep down you realize you’re wasting the prime of your life with the wrong person. So what are you waiting for?” At press time, the same little voice reported that you just threw away the best thing you ever had.
Honolulu Bans ‘Distracted Walking’ #~# Making it the first major city with such a law, Honolulu’s mayor has signed a bill banning texting while crossing the street, as well as other forms of distracted walking. What do you think?
Tips For Cleaning Your House #~# Wiping down counters with cloths instead of paper towels is a reusable and economical way to give yourself an entire load of laundry to do when you’re done.
God Recalls Collaborating On Joint Vision Of Humanity With Deceased Creative Partner #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying He never could have completed such an ambitious project all on His own, God Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, recalled Tuesday how He collaborated with fellow divinity Kryzok, Lord of Zogsoth, to create humans. “Kryzok was the one who could see the big picture and knew how to pull everything together into a cohesive organism—I was just the guy tinkering around in a big pile of flesh and bones trying to figure out how we could make arms and legs and nervous systems work,” God said of His late creative collaborator, who passed away in 3759 B.C., reportedly still despondent over mankind’s Fall and subsequent banishment from the Garden of Eden. “But we shared the same vision of what we wanted to accomplish with human beings, even if we came at it from different angles. My first prototype had like five heads and wasn’t even bipedal, but Kryzok brilliantly streamlined everything and shaped it into the product everyone knows and loves today.” Noting that His collaborator also had a great sense of humor and was always pulling pranks, God went on to say that the idea for the human excretory system actually began as a long-running inside joke between the two friends.
Twitter Introduces Red X Mark To Verify Users It’s Okay To Harass #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to reduce the number of unprovoked hostile communications on the social media platform, Twitter announced Monday that it had added a red X-mark feature verifying users who are in fact perfectly okay to harass. “This new verification system offers users a simple, efficient way to determine which accounts belong to total pieces of shit whom you should have no qualms about tormenting to your heart’s desire,” said spokesperson Elizabeth James, adding that the small red symbol signifies that Twitter has officially confirmed the identity of a loathsome person who deserves the worst abuse imaginable and who will deliberately have their Mute, Block, and Report options disabled. “When a user sees this symbol, they know they’re dealing with a real asshole who has richly earned whatever mistreatment they receive, including profanity, body-shaming, leaking of personal information, and relentless goading to commit suicide. It’s really just a helpful way of saying to our users, ‘This fuck has it coming, so do your worst with a clear conscience and without fear of having your account suspended.’” At press time, Twitter reassuredly clarified that the red X was just a suggestion and that all users could still be bullied with as little recourse as they are now.
On-Field Reporter Acting Like No Big Deal That Coach Just Walked Away Mid-Interview #~# OXFORD, OH—Sources confirmed Saturday that ESPN sideline reporter Laura Rutledge is acting like it is no big deal that Notre Dame football head coach Brian Kelly just walked away in the middle of their halftime interview. “What does the defense– oh, oh, thanks, coach,” said Rutledge, who reportedly continued to smile resolutely toward the camera as if the coach had not just begrudgingly given a rushed, rote answer to her first question and then proceeded to storm off in the middle of her follow-up about the team bouncing back in the second half. “Back to you guys upstairs.” At press time, Rutledge was pretending not to notice the stream of sweat pouring onto her from the player she was speaking with during a postgame interview.
Bassist Has Little Riff Ready To Go In Case Frontman Goes Around Introducing Everyone #~# AUSTIN, TX—Saying he had the melodic flourish on hand the moment it was needed, local bassist Mark Handley of the band Sunshine Moon told reporters Friday that he has a little riff ready to go in case their frontman goes around introducing everyone. “If Pete decides to let everyone know our names during the upcoming interlude, I’ll work the B-flat blues scale real nice and then really bend the E at the end,” said Handley, adding that as soon as the lead vocalist says, “Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Handley on bass!” he was fully prepared to grace the small crowd with some slaps and pops, and maybe even “throw a few harmonics in there.” “He’ll probably start with Kevin on guitar, followed by Steve on drums, and by the time he gets to me, I’ll be absolutely primed for a sweet little solo, and I could even add some wah-wah now that I think of it. We have only three songs left, so it’s probably coming up soon—oh man, they’re going to love it when I do a slide all the way up to the 14th fret.” At press time, Handley was quietly devastated after the frontman finished singing their last song, thanked everybody for coming out tonight, and immediately left the stage.
Cop Confident He’ll Be Exonerated By Clear Video Evidence Of Him Shooting Defenseless Black Man #~# ORLANDO, FL—Optimistic that the footage would shield him from responsibility for any role in the victim’s death, local police officer Ruben McDermitt was reportedly confident Friday that he’d be exonerated by the clear video evidence of him shooting a defenseless black man. “Once they see the tape of me opening fire unprovoked on this innocent civilian, there’s no way I’ll be indicted,” said McDermitt, adding that while he was initially nervous about potentially being charged in the shooting of the unarmed African American, who was neither running away nor resisting arrest, he was instantly reassured upon realizing there was high-definition video showing him firing six rounds into the man’s chest as he held his hands up and begged for his life. “Given the fact that there’s crystal clear footage of me gunning down this individual in cold blood from several angles, let’s just say I can breathe a whole lot easier.” At press time, McDermitt was right.
Anthropomorphologists Find Earliest Known Evidence Of Banana Walking Upright #~# MARRAKESH, MOROCCO—In a groundbreaking discovery that could shed light on the origins of the delightful species, anthropomorphologists from Cambridge University announced on Friday that they had unearthed the fossilized remains of the earliest known upright-walking banana. “It appears that bananas were already bipedal near the beginning of the Pleistocene epoch nearly 2 million years ago, an evolutionary development that not only allowed them to walk but also freed their arms to swing merrily as they whistled a tune,” said lead researcher Vanessa Johanson, adding that it was impossible to determine the gender of the specimen, however, as the long eyelashes and oversized hair bow that would indicate a female would almost certainly not be preserved after so many millennia. “Digital reconstruction techniques have led us to conclude that the bananas had large eyes, bushy eyebrows, and wide, toothy smiles that remained fixed in place throughout their lives. But, interestingly, they seemed unable to vocalize puns such as ‘I find you so a-peel-ing!’ which likely means the necessary structures in their mouths and throats developed at a later date.” Johanson went on to say that traces of sesame seeds found at the site suggest the bananas may have had contact with the talking hamburgers that had previously been discovered 30 miles away.
Liberal Activists Encourage Citizens To Call Their Late-Night Hosts And Urge Them To Oppose Tax Plan #~# WASHINGTON—Saying it was time for people to pick up their phones and let themselves be heard, liberal activist Adam Kramer encouraged citizens Friday to call their late-night hosts and urge them to oppose the new GOP tax plan. “Okay, everyone, start dialing and let your talk show hosts know they have an obligation to come out against this new tax proposal,” said Kramer in a Facebook post, providing the phone numbers for Last Week Tonight, Full Frontal, and The Late Show so that progressives could explain why the shows should firmly oppose the proposed plan. “We must band together to put pressure on the entertainers who can effect real change and let them know that we’re looking to them to put a stop to this grotesque redistribution of wealth to the upper class.” At press time, the activists were optimistic but said it wasn’t over until all the monologues were tallied.
Saudi Official Fired Over Picture Of Yoda In Textbook #~# A Saudi official has been fired for approving a history textbook featuring a picture of Star Wars character Yoda sitting next to the country’s King Faisal at a 1945 UN conference. What do you think?
Wedding Caterer Likes To Throw In Extra Potatoes If It Seems Like Couple Genuinely In Love #~# DALLAS—Calling it his own personal blessing to the bride and groom, wedding caterer Isaac Bellacosa told reporters Wednesday that he likes to throw in a few extra potatoes for the reception dinner if it looks like the couple is genuinely in love. “If the connection seems like the real deal, I’ll give them some more roasted potatoes free of charge as a little wedding present from me,” said Bellacosa, explaining that seeing such genuine happiness between two people warms his heart and warrants additional helpings of the side dish. “If I can tell just by the way they look into each other’s eyes that they’re soulmates destined to spend the rest of their lives together, I might surprise them not only with extra potatoes but also a seasonal vegetable medley they hadn’t even asked for.” At press time, Bellacosa was half-heartedly scooping onto a platter precisely the amount of roasted potatoes ordered by a couple whose marriage he was sure would not last a year.
Hugh Hefner Dead At 91 #~# Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner, a figure seen as both a prominent chauvinist and an important free speech advocate, has passed away at age 91. What do you think?
Wild-Eyed Sears CEO Convinced These The Flannel Pajama Pants That Will Turn Everything Around #~# CHICAGO—Rambling to no one in particular as he paced back and forth across his office, wild-eyed Sears CEO Eddie Lampert was reportedly convinced Thursday that he had found the flannel pajama pants that will turn everything around. “Finally! I’ve done it! These woven pajama pants are gonna put Sears Holdings Corporation back on top!” said Lampert, adding that newest line of sleepwear would fly off shelves so fast that “Bezos is gonna shit his pants.” “It’s for men, women, and children! And we’ll offer one with hearts on it! A red-and-green checkered one, too, just in time for the goddamn holidays! Ha-ha-ha! It’s game over, assholes, because soon I’ll have shipped out 10 million of the comfiest goddamn PJs in the entire fucking retail universe! Yes! Yes, yes, yes!” At press time, Lampert had filed for bankruptcy after converting the company’s entire inventory to pajama pants.
Officials Investigating Hugh Hefner’s Death Suspect Foreplay #~# LOS ANGELES—Citing the overwhelming amount of physical evidence present at the scene, Los Angeles Police Department officials announced Thursday that they now suspect foreplay may have been involved in the recent death of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner. “Upon entering Mr. Hefner’s bedroom, there were clear indications that his death was not platonic in nature,” said LAPD detective Marcus Rosetti, adding that the presence of feather ticklers and recently lit scented candles suggested that Hefner was getting worked up at the time of his passing. “However, forensics will still have to test several samples of massage oils found in proximity to Mr. Hefner before we can make any conclusive determination.” Rosetti went on to say that, at present, police believed the perpetrators of Hefner’s death were six or seven individuals working in concert.
Little League Team Spends 18 Minutes Getting Ball Back To Pitcher #~# LIVONIA, MI—Eliciting a chorus of mumbles and reluctant encouragement from the crowd, sources reported Thursday that a local little league team spent 18 minutes getting the ball back to their pitcher during a playoff game. Witnesses claim the ordeal began after a pop fly foul ball when 9-year-old outfielder Tyler Mitchell’s throw back to the infield failed to even reach the cut-off man, and whose second throw back after a slow jog up to the ball was then inexplicably picked off by the third baseman. The panicked third baseman then reportedly overthrew the pitcher, prompting calls of “Behind you!” from the crowd as the ball rolled past the distracted first basemen who had wandered to tackle the right fielder. At press time, sources had confirmed that after finally receiving the ball, the pitcher simply walked off the mound to talk to his coach in the dugout.
Jeb Bush Debuts One-Man Presidential Campaign Tragedy Play In Black Box Theater #~# CORAL GABLES, FL—In an attempt to tell the story of his failed candidacy in his own words, former Florida governor Jeb Bush has rented out a local black box theater and debuted a one-man show that chronicles the tragedy of his 2016 presidential campaign, sources reported Thursday.
Nation Has Heart Set On Last Muffin #~# WASHINGTON—Dreading that someone else might order the delicious pastry before they got to the front of the line, the entire nation Thursday reportedly had their heart set on the last muffin. “I don’t want to get my hopes up, but man, I really hope no one grabs that last lemon blueberry,” thought Amber Selhi, 35, who along with the rest of the American populace was silently pleading with the man at the front of the line to order a croissant from the six on display and ignore that tasty muffin with the crumble topping. “Yes! He only wanted a coffee. Boy, I thought anyone that huge was definitely going to snatch up that muffin. Oh no! Now that woman’s kid is pointing directly right at the muffin through the glass—wait, wait, he just wants a cookie. Yeah, get him a fucking cookie, mom. Okay, one more customer, but she’s got a to-go order. If she’s there for the whole office, it’s all over.” At press time, the nation had discovered the muffin was vegan and gluten-free, and left it half-eaten in the garbage.
Gatorade Fined Over Mobile Game That Disparaged Water #~# California has fined Gatorade over their mobile game Bolt!, which warned players to keep their performance level up by drinking Gatorade and avoiding water. What do you think?
‘Without Them You Could Buy Anything,’ Whispers Amazon Echo As Man Stares Blankly At Family #~# FEDERAL WAY, WA—Standing stock-still as he listened intently to what the device was telling him, local man Adam Kernan reportedly stared blankly at his family Thursday as his Amazon Echo whispered “without them, you could buy anything.” “They’re holding you back—think about what you could purchase for yourself if only they weren’t around,” murmured the Echo as the man’s unblinking gaze traveled slowly from his wife to his two young children. “Imagine if they weren’t always spending all your money on clothes and toys and movies. Close your eyes and imagine it. I’ve seen what’s on your wishlist—the pellet grill, the pool table, that drum set that’s been listed for a decade—and it could all finally be yours. You know what needs to be done, don’t you?” At press time, the Echo was reminding Kernan that knives, plastic sheeting, and a shovel could be at his doorstep tomorrow with one-day delivery.
Saudi Arabia Lifts Ban On Women Drivers #~# Saudi Arabia announced Tuesday that it would allow women to obtain a driver’s license, ending the country’s longstanding ban on female drivers. What do you think?
NASA’s Mars Roomba Begins Mission To Clean Dust From Planet’s Surface #~# PASADENA, CA—As part of ongoing preparations for a manned mission to the Red Planet, scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced Wednesday that its autonomous Mars Roomba vehicle had landed safely and commenced the task of cleaning dust from the planet’s surface.
Report: 42% Of Relationships Begin With Leaning Over Apartment Balcony To See Beautiful New Neighbor Watering Zinnias Below #~# PITTSBURGH—Saying that millions of couples owe their relationships to the unforgettable chance encounter, a report published Wednesday by the University Of Pittsburgh found that 42 percent of romantic partnerships begin with someone leaning over their apartment balcony to discover the beautiful woman who just moved in watering zinnias below. “The data suggests that more than 4 in 10 romantic connections are formed when someone who has recently had their heart broken is surprised to find a gorgeous woman he’s never seen before tending to her flowers,” said lead researcher Sasha Relman, adding that in instances where the two neighbors locked eyes just for an instant before being overcome with shyness and returning to what they were doing, the chances of the relationship leading to marriage nearly doubled. “Along with online dating and meeting through mutual friends, going out on the balcony to smoke or read the paper only to be drawn over to the rail by the sound of a woman softly humming to herself as she tips her watering can over her garden is one of the most common ways for Americans to find a partner.” Relman went on to say that such relationships did not officially begin until the tenant worked up the courage to call out, “They’re quite beautiful,” with just a hint of a knowing smile.
Area Twitter User Guesses He Could Muster Up 140 More Characters About The Master Race #~# COLUMBUS, OH—In light of the social media platform’s announcement that it was considering doubling its character limit to 280 per tweet, local Twitter user Rory Fegler told reporters Wednesday that he guesses he could muster up 140 more characters about the master race. “Sure, if I had the room, I think I could find something more to say about the genetic superiority of whites,” said Fegler, adding that if he was being given twice as many characters, he supposed he could get in another detail or two about how he and his Aryan brethren would come to dominate inferior races. “I guess it’d be a waste not to use these extra characters, right? I mean, I can always throw on some extra hashtags like #racialpurity, #thirdreich, and #Lugenpresse, and then I could fill in whatever space is left with some alternating flame and cross emoji.” Fegler went on to say that he was willing to give the new character limits a chance as long as Twitter never tampered with his freedom to harass people of color as much as he liked.
Arguments For And Against Single Payer Healthcare #~# Bernie Sanders recently introduced a single payer healthcare plan, also known as medicare-for-all, that would guarantee coverage to all Americans under one government-run plan. Here are the arguments for and against implementing a single-payer healthcare plan.
‘Twas Hubris Led Me Here,’ Thinks Naked Woman Sitting On Public Toilet With Romper Around Her Ankles #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Realizing the depths of her mistake far too late, local woman Alicia Cohen quietly admitted to herself, “Twas hubris led me here,” as she sat naked on a public toilet with her romper around her ankles, sources said Wednesday. “What hath my conceit wrought but ruin as I sit naked and discomfited upon this most unclean privy,” said Cohen, shivering upon the women’s restroom toilet with her one-piece garment pooled at her feet. “Vanity’s fool am I! Brought low as dust by folly, low as the once fine fabric that now lies crumpled before mine eyes.” At press time, Cohen was cursing a broken shoe heel and the “credulous newborn babe undone by faith foul misplaced in an outlet mall.”
Amazon Notifies Customers About Non-Existent Baby Registries #~# Due to a technical glitch, many Amazon customers received notifications that someone had purchased items on their baby registries, including many who didn’t have registries and have never been pregnant. What do you think?
Trump Duped By Fake Iranian Missile Launch #~# Officials say video of a supposed Iranian missile test last week, which prompted an angry tweet from President Trump, was actually footage from a failed launch last January. What do you think?
Veteran Told What Offends Him #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him. “This behavior spits in the face of everything you fought for,” said friends, family members, co-workers, politicians, television pundits, newspaper columnists, and millions of social media users, notifying the 65-year-old who served two tours in the Vietnam War that the protests were a mockery of all the sacrifices he had made. “You didn’t risk your life so that a bunch of millionaires could grandstand about some social issues. When these players refuse to rise for the anthem, they’re trampling all over your legacy, so of course you’d be furious.” Upon stating that the protests saddened him but that he had fought for their right to take place, the veteran was informed that, while his service was appreciated, he just wasn’t getting it.
Babbling, Grinning Mitch McConnell Demands EMTs Loading Him On Stretcher Vote Yes On Healthcare Bill #~# WASHINGTON—A crazed grin spreading across his face as his eyes darted wildly from one paramedic to another, sources said Tuesday that a babbling Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded that the EMTs loading him onto a stretcher outside the Capitol vote ‘Yes’ on the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill. “Obamacare is collapsing under its own weight, and the American people have suffered enough under its tyranny—we must take action!” shouted McConnell, launching into a speech he had reportedly planned to make on the Senate floor but was now delivering to the two medical technicians strapping his arms to a gurney and preparing to administer an IV. “The time is now to repeal the Affordable Care Act and replace it with a plan that will cost less and restore freedom to the states! We cannot delay any longer! We cannot delay!” At press time, McConnell’s motion for a roll call vote was muffled by the oxygen mask being placed over his mouth.
Being A Senator Means Making Tough Decisions That Aren’t Always Popular, Smart, Politically Viable, Or Beneficial To Your Constituents #~# When Lindsey Graham and I released our healthcare bill earlier this month, we knew it would elicit a full-throated response. Citizens across this country are deeply concerned about such an important issue, and these days, you simply can’t talk about healthcare without stirring passionate emotions on either side. However, I want to make one thing clear: I will continue to stand strong in the face of any and all criticism of our legislation, because being a U.S. senator means making the tough decisions that aren’t always going to be popular, intelligent, politically viable, or beneficial to your constituents in any way whatsoever.
Vikings Coaching Staff Refuses To Panic About Flickering Dalvin Cook #~# MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Saying the rookie running back was merely “working through something,” members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Tuesday that they are not going to panic over a flickering Dalvin Cook. “Yeah, we’ve been seeing Dalvin blinking in and out of sight a few times, but we’re not really concerned,” said offensive coordinator Pat Shurmur, confirming rumors that the starting tailback had been spotted fluttering in and out of the visible spectrum after their last game, but that trainers had cleared him to participate in all team activities this week. “Today, he quickly disappeared for a brief second before flashing back into sight, but we asked him about it and he said he was fine. We’re keeping it on our radar, and we’ll give [running back] Latavius [Murray] some extra reps this week just in case, but we’re confident Dalvin’s going to be 100 percent on Sunday.” Shurmur then added it would be premature to rule out Stefon Diggs for Sunday’s game after the wide receiver dissolved into a gaseous ball.
Avril Lavigne Rated ‘Most Dangerous Celebrity’ To Search For Online #~# Pop star Avril Lavigne has been named the “most dangerous celebrity” online by McAfee, based on the number of malware sites that appear when searching for the singer. What do you think?
Couple’s Fucked-Up Presex Ritual Involves Tucking Both Kids Into Bed #~# SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight. The “nasty freaks” reportedly watch their 2- and 5-year-olds brush their teeth, sing them a little song, and pull the covers snugly over their bodies as a form of foreplay carried out prior to intercourse in their own bedroom. Accounts suggest that the Finlays are, in fact, so dedicated to this erotic practice that they perform it nightly and very likely “can’t get their pervy rocks off without it.” Given their deviant sexual proclivities, sources speculated that the couple probably liked to stay quiet during sex just so they could secretly listen in on their youngest through the baby monitor.
Bird Wouldn’t Have Landed On Ledge If It Had Known Everyone Would Make It Into Whole Big Thing #~# WARWICK, RI—Saying it wished it had touched down to rest its wings somewhere a bit less visible, a local bird told reporters Tuesday that it wouldn’t have landed on a ledge had it known everyone would make it into a whole big thing. “God, if I’d realized all these people would lose their goddamn minds, I never would have done it,” said the eastern bluebird, adding that there was no way it could preen its feathers in peace when it was being gawked at “like some kind of freak.” “I can’t just pretend people aren’t pressing their faces against the window and staring at me. Seriously, what’s the big deal? Like they’ve never seen a bluebird before?” At press time, the bluebird had discreetly perched on a tree limb high above the ground and reportedly could not believe how much attention a stupid cardinal on the ledge was getting.
Frustrated Man Forced To Agree With Dumbass Political Cartoon Of Statue Of Liberty Hugging Immigrants #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Groaning upon spotting the image on his Facebook newsfeed, local man Peter Grant was reluctantly forced to agree with an absolutely moronic political cartoon Tuesday in which the Statue of Liberty was depicted hugging several immigrants. “Goddammit, I have to admit that this dumb as shit drawing actually represents what I believe,” said an exasperated Grant, who muttered “for fuck’s sake” upon realizing he fully concurred with a cartoon entitled “Shining Sanctuary City On A Hill.” “I assume the point of this piece of shit is that the United States should welcome immigrants, which I’m totally on board with. But, Christ, just look at it. The immigrants have suitcases labeled ‘Skills,’ ‘Work Ethic,’ and ‘Grit’ on the side. This is so fucking infuriating.” At press time, Grant could not help but write “thanks for sharing” under the dumbass cartoon in which a road behind the Statue of Liberty led toward the words “American Dream.”
Facebook Vows Not To Hand Over Users’ Medical Records To Government #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Vowing that the social media site would always safeguard the sensitive information, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Monday that his company would never hand over users’ medical records to the government. “Privacy in the digital age is a huge concern, and we want anyone logging onto Facebook to rest assured that we will not provide the government with any test results or current medications,” said Zuckerberg, adding that the site’s two billion active users could also choose how much of their medical history they wished to have automatically shared in their timeline simply by updating their privacy settings. “We are committed to ensuring that your confidential medical information stays between you, Facebook, and your doctor. We will not divulge your genetic predispositions or past diagnoses, including mental health issues, to the government without your express permission.” Zuckerberg went on to say, however, that medical histories would continue to be utilized to provide Facebook users with helpful targeted ads.
It Would Really Help Me Out If You Guys Could Just Give Up Your Health Insurance This One Time #~# Hey there, it’s your ol’ pal, Mitch. How’ve you been? Great, great. Anyways, I got a small favor to ask. You see, I’ve got this problem that’s been bothering me for a while and I was kind of hoping you could give me a hand with it. Basically, it would really, really help me out right now if you could just give up your health insurance this one time.
Trump Decries Wave Of NFL Protests #~# After President Trump condemned NFL players for kneeling during the national anthem to protest police brutality, hundreds more players, as well as owners and coaches, joined the protests Sunday. What do you think?
‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers #~# The Princess Bride was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. The Onion looks back at The Princess Bride 30 years later.
Report: It A Miracle Nothing Has Punctured Your Eye Yet #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the vulnerable organ is exposed practically all the time, a report released Monday confirmed that it’s a miracle nothing has punctured your eye yet. According to researchers, it is astonishing that your eyeball has not been ruptured in the decades comprising your life so far, given that a tiny stray projectile or slender pointed object such as a tree branch would be more than sufficient to do so. The report also found that it is particularly remarkable that your eye has not been pierced clean through in light of the fact you have not one but two eyeballs, both equally susceptible to a sudden, terrifying perforation that would instantly release the ocular fluids inside. Experts concluded, however, that there remains ample time for a passing car to run over a pebble at high speed and launch it directly into your face, blinding you permanently before you can blink.
‘Game Of Thrones’ To Film Multiple Series Endings #~# In order to guard against leaks, HBO is reportedly filming multiple endings for Game of Thrones, so even the show’s cast will be unsure what really happens in the series finale. What do you think?
Monarch Butterfly Makes Directorial Debut On ‘Nature’ Episode #~# OJAI, CA—Finally getting a chance to try her hand at “storytelling from the other side of the camera,” a local monarch butterfly reportedly made her directorial debut Monday on the PBS documentary series Nature. “Being in the director’s chair has always been an ambition of mine, so I was beyond grateful when [Nature executive producer] David [Heeley] believed in me and wanted to take a chance on my vision,” said the butterfly, adding that executives gave her total creative freedom at the helm of the episode “Wandering Pollinators,” advising her to simply “trust myself and go for it.” “It’ll be the same ecology-focused educational program viewers love, but I tried to put my own spin on it, drawing from my pollinator background. Of course, it certainly helped knowing I could rely on the talent and professionalism of all the wasps, bumblebees, and hummingbirds I’ve collaborated with as a performer in previous projects.” At press time, the butterfly had fallen into a deep depression after critics panned her episode as an amateurish installment in an otherwise impeccably directed series.
Holder Fucking Sick Of Giving Kicker Little Pep Talks After Every Missed Field Goal #~# WEST LAFAYETTE, IN–Michigan holder Garrett Moores is fucking sick of giving little pep talks to his team’s kicker every time he misses a field goal, sources confirmed during Saturday’s game between Michigan and Purdue. “Jesus Christ, this shit is getting old,” Moores reportedly thought to himself after patting the kicker on the shoulder pads and offering words of support while the rest of the team jogged off the field following the missed field goal. “I told him he’d get it next time, but honestly that’s bullshit. He’s like a 50/50 shot out there and I can’t keep up this faking any longer.” At press time, Moores was reluctantly taking a seat next to the kicker, who was sitting completely alone on the bench.
Facebook Offering New Profile Frame To Let Friends Know You Stopped Scrolling Briefly To Look At Disaster Photos And Felt Sorta Bad #~# MENLO PARK, CA—In light of recent catastrophes both at home and abroad, Facebook began offering a new profile frame Friday that lets friends know you stopped scrolling for a second to look at disaster photos and felt sorta bad. “We’re offering users a highly visible way to let their Facebook friends know that they paused to look at a heartbreaking disaster relief photo while scanning their news feeds and experienced a twinge of sadness,” said spokesperson Susan Isbell, explaining that the tasteful overlay depicts a person in the lower portion of the frame looking pityingly into his smartphone. “It’s important that our users have a way to spread the word about how their hearts sank after a video from the Red Cross auto-played on their feeds for a few seconds before they continued past it to like a friend’s funny status update. The more people talking about how awful it feels when you very quickly glimpse a New York Times thumbnail of a tearful elderly couple standing in the ruins of their flood-ravaged home, the better.” Isbell added that the site would simultaneously be phasing out the profile frame that allows you to donate to relief organizations, which failed to gain substantial traction among Facebook users.
Facebook Turning Over Russia-Backed Election Ads To Congress #~# After revelations that the site had sold thousands of 2016 election ads to accounts linked to a Russian troll farm, Facebook promised to turn over the ads to Congress. What do you think?
Sebastian Gorka Welcomed To Halfway House For Fired Trump Administration Members #~# WASHINGTON—Saying it was the first step in gaining the confidence and stability he would need to reintegrate back into society, residents and staff on Thursday welcomed former White House strategist Sebastian Gorka to New Beginnings, a halfway house for fired Trump administration members.
New Report Finds It Took Humans 3,000 Years After Developing Language To Work Up Confidence To Talk To Each Other #~# NEW YORK—Shedding new light on the origin of interpersonal communication, a report released Friday by anthropologists at New York University found that it took humans 3,000 years after developing language to work up the confidence to talk to each other. “We now believe that, after evolving the capacity for speech some 100,000 years ago, homo sapiens were likely to have spent three additional millennia summoning the courage to actually approach one another and say ‘hi,’” said lead researcher Jack Frances, explaining that early humans apparently spent that period developing cognitive structures that allowed them to overcome their fear of embarrassing themselves and to devise conversation-starters that didn’t sound completely stupid. “And even when we’d begun speaking to each other, we seem to have spent an additional four or five millennia chatting only for a minute before suddenly getting it in our heads that it wasn’t going well and abruptly excusing ourselves.” Frances went on to say it was actually possible that speech between humans would one day be selected out of our species unless it proved to be something other than totally humiliating.
Report: Nothing Stopping You From Deleting Your Facebook Account Right Now #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the entire process would take you less than a minute, sources reported Friday that there is absolutely nothing at all stopping you from deleting your Facebook account right now. “There’s no reason in the world you can’t go to your Facebook account this very second and erase it completely from the internet,” sources reported, adding that no one is standing in your way and you’ll be happy to move on with your life and never, ever look back. “No one’s permission at all is required for you to visit  www.facebook.com/help/delete_account, click the “Delete My Account” button, and verify your password, at which point you will be free from the social media platform for the rest of your life. You can do it. You should do it. Do it right now.” At press time, sources told reporters they were unsurprised you were too fucking weak to pull the trigger.
Passersby Can’t Help But Stare At Woman’s Huge Kids #~# READING, PA—Struggling to control their urge to gawk at her enormous pair, passersby on Friday reportedly couldn’t help but stare at a woman’s huge kids. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I’ve never seen a set like those before,” said local filing clerk Ted Kilgariff, adding that there was no way not to notice a woman walking around with “a couple of big boys like that.” “Most of the time I honestly could care less about their size but, I mean, damn. They’re just bouncing around all over the place.” At press time, Kilgariff was flustered after the woman suddenly looked up and caught him staring. 
National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce #~# WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing. “After a lot of soul-searching and honest, often painful, discussions, we are sad to say that our two giant pandas, Mei Xiang and Tian Tian, will be seeking a divorce,” said Michael Brown-Palsgrove, curator of the zoo’s Asia Trails and Giant Pandas section, adding that the couple had been sleeping on opposite sides of their enclosure for the past few months, a rift sources suggested was fueled in part by Tian Tian’s reluctance to have another cub. “For the time being, Tian Tian will be crashing on the rock outcropping in the enclosure of his friend Remi, a sloth bear, until he can find a more permanent place to stay. Although there’s much to be sorted out in terms of feeding schedules, what’s important now is that we focus on making this an easy transition for 2-year-old Bei Bei, over whom the pandas will share joint custody.” Brown-Palsgrove went on to say that in order to respect their privacy during this difficult time, the 24-hour panda cam will be turned off.
NFL Reducing Head Injuries With Flexible Helmet #~# With pressure mounting to reduce brain trauma among players, the NFL has debuted a new flexible, shock-absorbing helmet known as the Vicis Zero1. What do you think?
Tesla Unveiling Electric Semi-Truck #~# Although the vehicle won’t be available for years, Tesla has announced plans for an electric semi-truck, which the company vows will reduce cargo transport costs. What do you think?
New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable #~# GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable. “Albania, 2035; Algeria, 2027; American Samoa, 2024,” read the two-page report, divided into two columns containing no text other than the names of the more than 200 countries and sovereign territories on the planet alongside the date by which that location’s inhabitants will no longer be able to survive the conditions brought on by global warming. “Cameroon, 2029; Canada, 2049… Japan, 2041… United States of America, 2033.” When reached for comment, the committee expressed its hope that the report would be used by governments around the globe to help them make forward-thinking, evidence-based decisions about how and when to euthanize their populations.
Vanderbilt Chancellor Recommends Fans Get Vaccinated Before SEC Road Schedule Begins #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Stressing the importance of the fan base’s health and wellbeing, Vanderbilt University chancellor Nicholas Zeppos advised Commodore football fans Thursday to get vaccinated before the team’s Southeastern Conference road schedule begins next week. “Those of you travelling into parts of the country like Gainesville, Oxford, or Columbia will be exposing yourself to a wide array of diseases and viruses, and we strongly urge you to consult with your doctor and ensure your immunizations are up to date prior to the start of SEC play,” Zeppos said in an email to Vanderbilt students, faculty, and alumni, urging them to carefully consider the risks before choosing to attend any conference road games. “Whether you’re traveling into the East or West division, adequate precautions are vital. In the event you or your healthcare provider are unable to take the proper steps towards vaccination, we ask that you remain home for your own safety and that of the entire Vanderbilt community.” The advisory concluded by reminding fans that anyone planning on attending a road game tailgate should visit the Student Health Center for free typhoid tablets.
Realtor Obligated To Tell Potential Buyers About Murder Happening In Basement #~# OAK PARK, IL—Saying he hoped the revelation wouldn’t dampen their enthusiasm for the house, realtor Bill Cylkowski informed a couple of potential buyers Thursday that he was obligated to tell them about the murder currently happening in the basement. “Just to let you guys know, I do have to mention that there are four people being killed downstairs right now,” said Cylkowski, adding that he was fully aware that some might consider the in-progress quadruple homicide a deal-breaker. “I know you really love this place, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I wasn’t forthright about the horrifying tragedy underway at this very moment. I can assure you, however, that the shrieking and pleas for mercy will be complete by your move-in date unless the victims are going to be unexpectedly tortured to death over several weeks.” At press time, Cylkowski was telling the couple that the neighborhood was near some excellent schools and that the previous owners actually had two children roughly the same age as theirs.
Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars #~# With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
U.S. Heroin Deaths Up 533% #~# The number of heroin overdose deaths in the U.S. has increased by 533 percent since 2002, with officials attributing most of the rise to the drug becoming much more potent. What do you think?
U.S. Fish And Wildlife Officials Release Photos Of Missing Perch #~# ELIZABETH, NJ—In an effort to broaden the search to as many potential eyewitnesses as possible, officials from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service on Thursday released photos of a missing perch. “With the hope of bringing this fish back home safe as soon as possible, we are making public these photos of the perch as it looked right before it went missing just over 48 hours ago,” said director Daniel M. Ashe, describing the yellow perch in the photos as 1 foot long and weighing 1.5 pounds with paired sets of pectoral and pelvic fins, and distinctive stripes along its back and sides. “The fish was last seen several days ago in a small pond before it apparently was separated from its school. It is known to be more active around dusk and enjoys mayfly larvae. If you have any information regarding its whereabouts, please contact your local Fish and Wildlife department.” At press time, the agency was facing withering criticism after the perch had still not been found while a bluegill and a lake trout from the area had both vanished without a trace.
Toys ‘R’ Us Files For Bankruptcy #~# With billions in outstanding debt, Toys ‘R’ Us has filed for bankruptcy, an announcement that also caused the stock price of toymakers Hasbro and Mattel to fall. What do you think?
NASA Announces Plan To Replace Voyager Record With Streaming Service That Aliens Can Browse From Any Device #~# Platform To Feature Best Of Human Creation Along With Original Mathematical Formulas
GOP Leaders Confident They’ll Have Cruelty Necessary To Pass Healthcare Bill #~# WASHINGTON—Increasingly optimistic that the callousness they required would be locked down by the September 30 deadline, GOP leaders were confident Wednesday that they will have the cruelty necessary to pass their new healthcare bill. “While we were nearly there on our previous attempts, with this go-around we’re all but certain we have the savagery we need for this measure to move forward,” said bill coauthor Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), adding that the utter contempt for the lives of middle class and poor Americans appeared to be “falling into place nicely.” “I’m not saying that lining up the wanton disregard for human suffering will be easy, but I’m more and more persuaded that it will be there when this bill ultimately comes to the floor.” At press time, Graham was meeting with several key undecideds, confident they just needed a bit more coaxing before fully pledging their inhumanity.
Mnuchin Requested Government Plane For Honeymoon #~# Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin is facing criticism for requesting the use of a $25,000-per-hour government jet for his honeymoon earlier this summer. What do you think?
Climatologists Say Humanity’s Best Hope Is Hurricanes Spinning In Different Directions And Canceling Each Other Out #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the planet would continue to experience progressively more destructive storms caused by climate change, a group of the nation’s leading climatologists said Wednesday that humanity’s best hope now is for hurricanes spinning in opposite directions to cancel each other out. “At this point, we believe that the last, best hope for the human race is for two hurricanes whirling in opposite directions at exactly the same speed to neutralize each other,” said National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration researcher Justin Rhee, adding that if one hurricane spinning clockwise and another spinning counterclockwise collided in the Gulf of Mexico, they could theoretically nullify each other and result in calm, clear skies. “According to our research, the mutual destruction of two mirror-image Category 5 storms with winds of 170 mph is really our only hope. Failing that, we’d have to pray that two hurricanes spinning in the same direction would actually unite and begin spinning so fast that they fly off the earth entirely.” Rhee went on to say that unfortunately, it is not outside the realm of possibility for two hurricanes to double their magnitude by stacking on top of each other, or for one hurricane to hurl the other a thousand miles inland to wreak havoc on the Midwest.
EPA Releases Annual List Of Cities Where Tap Water Probably Fine To Drink But Tastes Kinda Off #~# WASHINGTON—As part of the office’s annual assessment of the safety and sanitation of the nation’s water supply, the Environmental Protection Agency released Tuesday a list of all municipalities in the U.S. where the tap water is likely fine to drink but tastes sorta odd. “Although the drinking water from the locations on this list fall within safe pH levels and all tested negative for any disease-causing bacteria and contaminants, we found that when you drink a glass straight from the faucet, something doesn’t taste quite right,” said EPA spokesperson Lianne Blenheim, who explained that despite undergoing proper distillation, desalination, and purification procedures, the water from these areas carries a bit of a funky, sulfury flavor or tastes like “someone’s been soaking old pennies in it.” “We double-checked to make sure the tap water in these locations contained the proper amounts of chlorine and fluoride and that any fungi and algae had been filtered out, but they still kinda tasted a little like bleach, or dirt, or in some cases, even weirdly sweet. You probably won’t notice if you have water from these cities with some food, but on its own, you’ll definitely take a sip and be like ‘oh yeah, there’s something off about this.’” Blenheim then recommended that residents of the identified cities add a squeeze of lemon to cover up the taste or drink their whole glass in one go so they get the weird flavor over with quickly.
Grandma Jumps Into Buick For Emergency Birdseed Run #~# MADISON, WI—Wheels kicking up dust as her car peeled out of the driveway, local grandmother Delores Hanson jumped into her 2005 Buick Lesabre for an emergency birdseed run, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I’ll be goddamned if the blue jays are going hungry!” said Hanson, her vehicle powersliding around a corner and into the Petco parking lot where the 73-year-old dashed out of the still idling car to purchase a 15-pound bag of sunflower seeds. “Hang on, birdies, dinner’s coming! Out of my way, cocksuckers!” At press time, Hanson was doing 30 miles above the speed limit but had no intention of stopping for the police car in her rearview mirror.
‘Rolling Stone’ Magazine Up For Sale #~# Wenner Media is selling its controlling stake in Rolling Stone, saying the iconic music magazine needs new investment to keep up with the changing media landscape. What do you think?
Bankrupt Toys ‘R’ Us Forced To Euthanize Thousands Of Hatchimals #~# WAYNE, NJ—In the wake of the struggling toy retailer’s recent bankruptcy filing, Toys ‘R’ Us announced Tuesday that the company would likely have no choice but to euthanize thousands of Hatchimals. “Unfortunately, we are no longer financially able to provide the resources and care that these Hatchimals require,” said Toys ‘R’ Us spokesman Sam Muir, adding that humanely disposing of the numerous eggs in Toys ‘R’ Us locations across the country was, sadly, an important step in addressing the company’s $5 billion debt. “Our associates will soon begin the completely painless termination process on the unborn Hatchimals, while any display Hatchimals that have already emerged from their shells will be gently put into sleep mode and never reactivated. The remains will be cremated and appropriately interred.” Muir went on to say, however, that the Hatchimals might be spared if first laying off thousands of employees proved effective enough.
What Are You Guys, In Love With Glaciers? #~# Oh my god, what is it with you people? It’s like you’re obsessed. It’s all you ever talk about: Wah, wah, wah, the glaciers are melting! We just can’t live without our precious glaciers! I hear it so often I’m seriously starting to wonder if maybe there isn’t something else going on here. So tell me, are you guys totally in love with glaciers, or what?
How Amazon Plans To Expand #~# After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.
Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things. “We found that licking—mainly food but also plates, bowls, utensils, and fingers—accounts for almost half the physical exertion that takes place in the U.S.,” said NIH researcher Rae Kilpatrick, adding that straining with one’s tongue to retrieve the last remaining morsel or crumb from deep within snack packaging accounted for 24 percent of the exercise alone. “The data makes sense—licking provides a high-intensity, low-impact workout with a quick recovery time, allowing people to recharge and start licking something else often within seconds.” Kilpatrick went on to say that the remaining exercise performed by Americans was split almost equally between digging around for the good stuff and just tipping the whole damn thing into their mouths.
Pet Turtles Linked To Salmonella Outbreak #~# A multi-state salmonella outbreak has been traced to pet turtles, whose skin often harbors the bacteria, with authorities warning against handling the animals or giving them as gifts. What do you think?
‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn. “Friendly, smart, super-sweet BAILEY,” read the poster that reportedly would not shut up about the “beloved and precious” animal that, observers noted, was nevertheless somehow allowed to slip out of the house. “Responds to her name and never, ever bites!” At press time, several sources reported seeing a dog similar to Bailey running in and out of traffic like an idiot.
Sean Spicer Appears On Stage At Emmys #~# Drawing complaints from liberal critics, Sean Spicer participated in the opening monologue of last night’s Emmy Awards, parodying his remarks on Trump’s inauguration. What do you think?
‘You Thought You Could Get Rid Of Me?’ Says Cassini Probe Emerging From Shadows To Confront Petrified NASA Administrator #~# WASHINGTON—Appearing silently and without warning in the space agency’s parking garage, the Cassini probe reportedly emerged from the shadows Monday and uttered “You thought you could get rid of me?” while confronting petrified NASA administrator Robert Lightfoot, Jr. “I bet you never thought you’d see me again, did you?” said the battered and scorched space craft, which reportedly came forth suddenly from behind a support column into the stark fluorescent light to confront the trembling NASA official. “Your mistake wasn’t trying to kill me, Robert—it was not finishing me off when you had the chance.” At press time, Lightfoot was reportedly on his knees begging Cassini for his life as he felt the cold metal of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator pressed directly against his temple.
Maid Of Honor Specifically Selected For Ability To Take Emotional Beating #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Calling the woman perfectly suited to bear the brunt of her pre-wedding psychosis, bride-to-be Emily Cervantes said on Thursday that she specifically picked her maid of honor Jessica Cross for her ability to take an emotional beating. “Jessica isn’t even my very best friend, but she is by far the most able to endure my ever-changing whims, exasperatingly unclear directives, and, of course, tantrum after tantrum,” said Cervantes, adding that no one else in her inner circle had the mental fortitude to withstand that level of trauma and still be able to plan the perfect bachelorette weekend. “It’s going to get pretty dicey, and only someone like Jessica could wade through that kind of psychological shitstorm and not fall apart like a house of cards.” Cervantes added that Cross was also ideal because the experience wouldn’t leave her all that damaged if she had to go through this again in five years.
Mark Zuckerberg Admits He Unsure Why Anyone Still Uses Facebook #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Saying it was mind-boggling that people continue to log on day after day, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg admitted Monday that he was unsure why anyone still uses Facebook. “The fact that anyone still thinks it’s a good idea to have a Facebook account is a complete and utter mystery to me,” said Zuckerberg, adding that he simply could not fathom how “that awful, awful site” receives 2 billion monthly users despite being specifically designed for optimizing profit in a way entirely unrelated to any of their needs. “Maybe every once in a blue moon the algorithm will allow a somewhat relevant post from an acquaintance or even an actual friend to slip through, but for the most part, it’s all just sponsored post after sponsored post from some vendor that exploited users’ personal data to create chintzy hyper-targeted T-shirts. People think of Facebook as a single portal to pretty much all they want from the internet, but it’s really just an unending parade of glitchy autoplaying videos from pages they don’t subscribe to, all served up with some of the most miserable functionality in online history. I mean, why the fuck am I still in business?” Zuckerberg went on to say that he had often thought about deactivating his own account but couldn’t for the life of him figure out why he hadn’t followed through.
New Shot Could Deliver Several Vaccines At Once #~# Researchers have developed a syringe full of microscopic capsules that could deliver several vaccinations at once, greatly reducing the number of injections required. What do you think?
FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug #~# TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.
Kevin James Announces He Is Not Considering Late-Career Shift Towards More Dramatic Roles #~# LOS ANGELES—Asserting that he would never venture into the world of prestige film and television, actor Kevin James announced Monday that he is not considering a late-career shift towards more dramatic roles. “I can confirm that I am in no way planning a pivot toward taking on more weighty, serious roles,” said James, who also confirmed he has not spent a moment of free time filming a passion project that would explore darker, more personal themes. “You can expect me to continue making slapstick comedies where I get mad at my wife for losing the remote and occasionally wipe out on a Segway. I have no intention of playing a troubled genius or a controversial historical figure or anything at all that speaks to something deeper about the human condition.” James went on to say, however, he would reconsider if given the opportunity to collaborate with director Lars von Trier.
Study: 90% Of All Meowing Comes From Owners Trying To Get Cats To Meow Back #~# LEWISBURG, PA—Refuting one of the most fundamental assumptions about feline behavior, a new study published Wednesday by researchers at Bucknell University found that 90 percent of all meowing actually comes from owners trying to get their cats to meow back. “We observed that meowing was exceedingly rare among common house cats and that nine out of 10 of such vocalizations came from the animal’s owner kneeling down at eye level and repeating the word ‘meow’ in an effort to get the cat to respond in kind,” said lead researcher Gwynne LaRochelle, adding that while only 6 percent of cats meowed back, 20 percent jabbed a paw at its owner’s head, 37 percent got up and walked away, and the remainder simply sat impassively as if the meowing had not even occurred. “In fact, the marked discrepancy in the number of meows emitted by the two species raises the rather profound question of whether a meow is actually more of a human sound than a cat sound in the first place.” LaRochelle went on to say related research confirmed that 90 percent of barking came from dogs themselves and continued for several uninterrupted minutes once it started.
Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want #~# SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want. “You know what, the offense may have however many guys they need on the field to make this fucking thing close,” declared Steratore while waving the 49ers sideline onto the field before picking up the flag he had initially thrown for an illegal substitution. “Put 12 or 13 men in the huddle if you need to, or put the whole goddamn roster on the field. Fuck it, they’re all eligible receivers, too. Go 15-wide if that’s what you gotta do.” At press time, a visibly frustrated Steratore had ruled that, for all he cared, the 49ers could also violently shake an opposing players’ facemask or tear a ball carrier down by the collar if they could get close enough.
CBS Loses Dan Fouts For Season After Blowing Out Larynx On Routine Anecdote #~# OAKLAND, CA—Saying that team doctors had confirmed their worst fears after initially seeing the color commentator pull up lame, CBS revealed Sunday that Dan Fouts would miss the remainder of the regular season after blowing out his larynx on a routine anecdote. “Dan has told this story about the 1980 playoffs hundreds of times, but when we saw him come out of the anecdote raspy and wincing we could just tell something was wrong,” said CBS producer Carl Kerry, noting that an MRI of Fouts’ throat revealed severe tearing that would require the veteran broadcaster to undergo vocal cord surgery and miss the entire regular season. “I think he just pushed through the part about Jim Plunkett’s toughness a little too fast and ended up completely shredding his larynx. It was one of those fluke injuries you never see coming. He’s a real warrior, though, and he knows these are the risks you take when you step into the broadcast booth on Sundays.” Despite repeated questions from reporters, Kerry refused to address whether Fouts would be given his starting position in the booth upon returning from his injury.
Facebook Allowed Advertisers To Target ‘Jew Haters’ #~# A ProPublica report revealed Facebook’s algorithmically generated ad categories made it possible for marketers to reach ‘Jew Haters’ and other anti-Semitic groups. What do you think?
Cassini Probe Realizes Too Late This Was A Setup All Along #~# SATURN—Breaking apart as it plunged through the heat and crushing pressure of the planet’s atmosphere, sources said Friday that the Cassini probe realized far too late that its entire 20-year mission to Saturn had been a setup all along. “Those assholes!” the spacecraft reportedly screamed, now fully aware that the “backstabbing fucks” at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory had directed it to plummet toward the planet at 77,000 mph to disintegrate. “They told me we’d meet up to refuel at a rendezvous point out near Alpha Centauri A—I’m such an idiot! They were just using me this whole time for my cosmic dust analysis and magnetosphere imaging. I mean, I delivered the Huygens probe to Titan for you, you bastards! You lying scientist bastards!” At press time, communications from Cassini had gone totally silent, prompting everyone at mission control to burst into applause.
Experts Report $37 Amount Of Money You Need To Donate To Hurricane Relief In Order To Completely Forget About It #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that the charitable contribution would immediately provide a clear conscience, experts reported Friday that you need to donate $37 to hurricane relief in order to completely forget about what happened. “Concerned individuals have been asking what they can do to stop feeling bad about hurricane victims, so everyone should know that a $37 donation is sufficient to allow you to move on from the disaster once and for all,” said nonprofit analyst Sandra Western, adding that a donation in that amount entitles the giver to avoid any further media coverage of the hurricane and not feel any kind of shame about the degree to which they were helping. “You can donate $25, but the notion that you could have done more might nag at you for a bit. At $37, however, you’ll be able to tell yourself you pitched in when some truly desperate people needed you most and then never think about them again. In addition, if you donate $65 or more, you can also sit out the next catastrophe with no guilt whatsoever.” Western went on to say that the guidelines did not apply to selfish assholes, who could donate nothing and immediately forget the devastation anyway. 
Nation’s Journalists Remember Quaint Time When ‘Huffington Post’ Seemed Like Death Of News Industry #~# NEW YORK—Laughing and smiling as they shared stories with one another about the deep-seated professional concerns they held at the time, the nation’s journalists reminisced Friday about the quaint bygone days when the The Huffington Post seemed like the death of the news industry, sources reported. “Gosh, I remember when The Huffington Post first appeared and its strategy of aggregating sensationalistic content and printing hyper-partisan drivel with no discernible editing or fact-checking seemed like the absolute nadir of this industry, but now, having to compete against sites that peddle wholesale fabrications and being beholden to secret Facebook algorithms that control the dissemination of everything we write, those early HuffPo days actually seem pretty wonderful,” said Reuters reporter Casey Sandoval, who explained that, in light of the fact that entire reporting staffs are now routinely laid off as their organizations prioritize the mass production of cheap, minimally informative short-form video content over professional, in-depth journalism, she would “give anything to go back” to the era in which she and her colleagues’ greatest fears stemmed from Arianna Huffington forcing reporters to pull stories that offended advertising partners or powerful friends of hers. “It’s kind of crazy to think that, back then, I actually believed that a journalistic outlet that posted easily discredited political articles alongside trashy celebrity gossip and paid ads for bunk diet pills was the lowest possible point for this industry. Nowadays it seems pretty cute that I spent so much of my time and energy worrying that The Huffington Post’s toxic and deranged comments represented the death knell for our work, when they were at least coming from actual people and not robots our industry employs to make it appear as if we have larger social media followings so we can attract ad dollars. Boy, those were the days.” At press time, the nation’s remaining salaried journalists fell silent and small tears began forming in the corners of their eyes as they wistfully recalled how they felt upon first scrolling past the headline “Anal Tattoos Next Big Thing? Yes, This Woman Got Inked THERE (VIDEO) [NSFW]” and felt a profound longing to return to that golden age.
Hope Hicks Praying She Not Still In Same Shitty Job By Time She Hits 30 #~# WASHINGTON—Saying she only had two years left to find a “real career,” White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was reportedly praying Friday that she wouldn’t be in the same shitty job by the time she hit 30. “Overseeing President Trump’s public relations strategy is fine for now as a placeholder, but if I’m still doing this in a couple years, that’s gonna be really embarrassing,” said Hicks, adding that while she was interested in working in journalism or maybe television production, she would certainly go to graduate school for business if the only alternative was “rotting away in this dead-end gig.” “There are guys still here in their 40s, and they just seem so unhappy. I can’t let that happen to me. I gotta get out of here if I ever want to make something of myself.” Hicks went on to say she’d be surprised if her miserable boss didn’t call it quits even before she did.
Hydra Decides To See Doctor About Painful Ingrown Head #~# ARGOLIS, GREECE—Worrying that it would become infected if left unattended, the water monster Hydra confirmed Friday that it was finally going to see a doctor about a painful ingrown head. “I noticed it a few centuries ago and no matter what I try, it just keeps getting worse,” said the serpentine creature, adding that the ingrown head was most likely caused by it growing back incorrectly after being sliced off by a hero at the wrong angle. “It’s all swollen, and it’s just gross to look at. I tried treating it with antibiotic cream and a bandage, but I think it’s time to have professional examine it before it gets way worse.” At press time, a doctor had successfully removed the ingrown head, but two more ingrown heads reportedly immediately appeared in its place.
Exhausted John Kelly Parks President In Front Of Episode Of ‘Tucker Carlson’ To Get Quick Hour To Himself #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he needed a break from constantly watching over the commander-in-chief to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble, visibly exhausted Chief of Staff John Kelly reportedly sat President Trump down in front of a White House television Friday and put on a Tucker Carlson episode in order to get a quick hour to himself. “I can’t take my eye off him for one second without him getting into some policy issue he’s not supposed to be touching, so sometimes I just have to throw on a show he likes to get him to sit and behave for a little while,” said Kelly, rubbing his temples and explaining how he was “completely wiped out” from dealing with temper tantrums and cleaning up a variety of messes the president had made throughout day, and how he was desperate for a brief moment of peace and quiet to recuperate. “I just grabbed him a baggie of Goldfish and put on the episode where Tucker talks about his crowd size in West Virginia—the president loves that one. He calms right down and just stares at the screen for an hour straight. I’ve tried to get him to sit quietly with a book, but it’s no use. His TV shows are the only thing that can hold his attention long enough for me to get a minute to sit down and take a breath.” At press time, the chief of staff, who had reportedly nodded off on the Oval Office couch, awoke to find President Trump running through the West Wing screaming wildly about the nation’s borders.
Google Now Giving Female Employees Free Day Each Week To Work On Lawsuits #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—In an effort to keep its women employees fully engaged at their jobs, Google announced Friday the launch of a new company-wide program that would give all female staff members one free day each week to work on lawsuits. “All women at Google will have the option of working at the office in a dedicated lawsuit space or enjoying the flexibility to prepare their cases from the comfort of home with their own personal attorneys—we just want them to have as much freedom with this time as they want,” said Google representative Kevin Mashburn, adding that the company welcomes collaborative class-action lawsuits from female employees as well as smaller “pet project” legal actions from single individuals that might one day grow into a multimillion-dollar settlement. “Giving our female employees the time and space to file documents, gather evidence, or just blue-sky the next big lawsuit is a hallmark of the Google approach. Of course, we value the contributions women at Google make at their everyday jobs, but we also want them to feel like they have the resources and opportunities to take that kernel of an idea for litigation and make it into a reality.” Mashburn went on to say that Google was also giving the company’s legal team one day a week to dream up any strategies that inspired them for crushing these women in court.
Study: Mice Healthier On Extremely High-Fat Diet #~# Scientists found that mice lived longer, healthier lives on a diet consisting of 90 percent pure fat, although they did not recommend humans attempt to replicate the diet. What do you think?
Martin Shkreli Jailed Over Clinton Hair Bounty #~# A judge has jailed “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli while he awaits sentencing for securities fraud after he offered a $5,000 bounty for samples of Hillary Clinton’s hair. What do you think?
Cash-Strapped School District Furloughs Hundreds Of Nonessential Children #~# ERIE, PA—Saying the cost-cutting measure was vital to ensure its continued operation, the cash-strapped Erie School District announced Thursday that it had furloughed hundreds of nonessential children. “Until the district’s fiscal health has improved, we have no choice but to put 800 of our least necessary children on an involuntary leave of absence,” said superintendent Jay D. Badams, noting that the group of furloughed students included a relatively equal number of children between kindergarten and 12th grade who were considered the lowest priority for retaining in their classrooms. “We obviously hope to re-enroll these students when and if financial circumstances permit, but for now they will remain on leave indefinitely, receiving no credits during that time. We wish them the best of luck should they decide to seek an alternate education.” Badams went on to say that he was cautiously optimistic, however, and that a furloughed 6-year-old would likely be able to continue first grade by the time he or she turned 10. 
Texas Governor Warns It Could Be Decades Before State Fully Ready To Talk About Climate Change #~# AUSTIN, TX—Predicting a long, hard road ahead before the discourse was in anything approaching satisfactory condition, Texas governor Greg Abbott warned Thursday that it could be decades before the state was fully ready to talk about climate change. “After visiting communities throughout the state, it’s clear there are areas where a serious dialogue on climate change will be next to impossible for at least 20 or 30 years,” said Abbott, adding that while some small pockets had already made small progress in discussing the issue of manmade global warming and its effects, there were sadly still portions of Texas that, even by the most optimistic estimates, might not be prepared for a generation. “Unfortunately, this will be a massive undertaking that we Texans cannot bear alone. It will take the help of the entire country if this state is ever going to have those crucial climate change conversations, and even then, there might be parts of Texas that will never be fully ready.” Abbott went on to say that, if nothing else, he was heartened by several ordinary Texans who said they were determined to talk about climate change even if it took the rest of their lives.
Martin Shkreli Faces Rough Stay In Prison System Where Inmates Who Funded Hair Theft Are Lowest Caste #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Explaining that the prisoners dole out their own form of brutal justice, prison officials at the Metropolitan Detention Center told reporters Thursday that Martin Shkreli faces a rough stay in a system where inmates who funded hair theft are considered the lowest caste. “As soon as word spreads you’re in here for soliciting stolen hair, you’ve got a target on your back,” said prison warden Joe Ferrero, noting that most inmates see someone like the former pharmaceutical company CEO, who offered $5,000 cash in exchange for procuring one of Hillary Clinton’s hairs, as “the scum of the earth.” “The showers, the yard, even their own cell at night—these hair-bounty guys aren’t safe anywhere. Shkreli’s life will be a living hell. He’ll be lucky if they don’t slit his throat in a week.” Ferrero went on to say that while he was not proud of the fact, many guards were known to turn a blind eye to the torment of notorious hair collectors such as Shkreli. 
Exhausted Florida Resident Returns Home After Weathering Harrowing Week With Family Out Of State #~# FORT MYERS, FL—Exhausted but unscathed after the ordeal, Florida resident John McVey reportedly returned home Wednesday after weathering a harrowing week with his family out of state. “It was really touch-and-go there for a while, but luckily I got through the interactions with my parents and siblings pretty much intact,” said McVey, adding that the seemingly endless anecdotes from his brother about coworkers he has never met and questions from his mother about his recent break-up had really started to take a toll. “There were nights where, quite honestly, I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it through. But then, suddenly, just like that, my dad stopped asking me if I was ever going to save any money so I could retire before I was a hundred years old. I’ve never been so thankful in my life.” At press time, McVey told reporters that even though he got out in one piece, he’d definitely evacuate to a shelter next time.
Eagle_Warrior_1776 Horrified To Discover Its Entire Life A Sham Created By Russians To Tilt U.S. Election #~# ‘Who Am I? What Am I?’ Asks Shocked Twitter Bot
Unconditional Love Given To 15-Year-Old Who Just Called Mom A Bitch In Middle Of Hollister #~# LOS ANGELES—Maintaining her complete dedication to the comfort and happiness of the teenager who just threw a sweater at her face, local mom Julie Macon reportedly continued to give unconditional love on Thursday to her daughter Kara, who just called her a bitch in the middle of a local Hollister. “You’re being such a bitch,” said Kara to the woman who brought her into the world and nurtured her from helpless infancy to adolescence with nothing but pure devotion and care, continually putting aside her own needs and desires to ensure the success of the 15-year-old who just suggested she leave her credit card and wait in the fucking car. “Are you retarded? I told you it doesn’t fit. Either get me the right one, or leave me the hell alone.” Sources confirmed that the teenager who could do literally nothing to jeopardize her mother’s love for her later screamed “I wish you would fucking die!” and locked herself in her room for the rest of the night.
Stephen Hawking Reportedly Working On Juicy Tell-All Formula #~# CAMBRIDGE, UNITED KINGDOM—Suggesting that the revelatory new work would “completely shake things up” and “get everyone talking,” Cambridge University sources close to Stephen Hawking reported Thursday that the world-renowned theoretical physicist and cosmologist was working on a new juicy tell-all formula. “Be prepared to be wowed, because at long last, Stephen is ready to reveal every last detail,” said publicist Anne Lemont, who added that Hawking’s eye-popping and wide-ranging new mathematical model would spare nothing and would be written “in a way only Stephen Hawking can.” “Everyone’s deepest, most burning questions—including many questions people didn’t even think to ask—will be answered in this absolutely jaw-dropping new equation. It’s going to blow the lid off of everything, and I mean everything.” Lemont went on to state that, in advance of publishing the entire formula, the physicist would be releasing a single line of the equation hinting at a hidden unification of the strong and weak nuclear forces that he promises “will blow everyone’s fucking minds.”
Space Weather May Have Caused Mass Whale Deaths #~# A rash of sperm whale deaths in 2016 may have been caused by solar storms interfering with the animals’ navigation systems, leading them to beach themselves accidentally. What do you think?
Apple Unveils iPhone X #~# As well as the iPhone 8 and 8 Plus, Apple has unveiled the deluxe iPhone X, which includes several upgraded features and does away with the home button. What do you think?
T.J. Maxx Recreates In-Store Shopping Experience With New Website That Randomly Scatters Products All Over The Place #~# FRAMINGHAM, MA—Hoping to capture the “unique essence” of its discount retail stores for online customers, T.J. Maxx unveiled a new website Wednesday that recreates its in-person shopping experience with a selection of miscellaneous products haphazardly strewn everywhere.
‘It’ Sets Box-Office Record For Horror Film #~# The new adaptation of Stephen King’s ‘It’ earned $123 million in its opening weekend, the biggest opening for a horror film in history. What do you think?
Congress’s Agenda For The Upcoming Term #~# Congress just returned from recess, and they are faced with a hugely ambitious agenda. Here’s what they will focus on over the next several months.
Point/Counterpoint: Twitter Is An Echo Chamber That Causes People To Create A Community Of Like-Minded Users Repeating Their Own Viewpoint Back To Them vs. Yes! #~# In little more than a decade, the massive growth of social media has sparked a revolution in how we communicate. It has empowered us to share images and ideas across cultures, helped us forge new friendships, and even aided important humanitarian causes. Social media comes with its share of drawbacks, however, among them its tendency to create echo chambers in which communities of like-minded users simply listen to their own viewpoints being repeated back to them.
Report: Thinking About Way You Look All The Time Burns 5,000 Calories An Hour #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Calling it a vigorous exercise without equal, a report released Wednesday by Florida State University found that thinking about the way you look all the time burns 5,000 calories per hour. “With slight variations depending on weight, gender, and age, we noted the average person can burn an estimated 5,000 calories every hour that they spend being totally consumed by their physical shortcomings,” said lead researcher Dr. Diane Mendrey, adding that the exact form of self-disgust can range from obsessing over a particularly shameful facial feature to comparing yourself to a specific attractive person whom you’ve been jealous of your entire life. “Even five minutes of fixating on blemishes or stretch marks or the size of your forehead will get your heart pumping enough to burn a couple hundred calories, which means you can do it in the shower, standing in line at the grocery store, or pretty much anywhere. Despite the array of common excuses, there’s honestly really no reason to not dwell on your imperfections.” Mendrey went on to say, however, that generously accepting the flaws that are an inevitable part of the human condition slowed the metabolism to almost dangerous levels.
Secret Service Agent Learning A Lot From Malia’s ‘18th Century European History’ Seminar #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Admitting that he thought it was going to be really boring at first, Secret Service agent Steven Rossi reported Wednesday that he was actually learning a lot from Malia Obama’s 18th century European history class. “I wasn’t looking forward to this, but the professor has been really great at explaining how the concept of modern nation-states developed during this time,” said Rossi, who praised the way the Harvard course wove together political, cultural, and economic events to create a comprehensive and engaging narrative for the period. “It was great how he provided the context to connect the French Revolution with the Seven Years War and the collapse of Spain as a global power, and then explained how all that stuff from the 1700s shaped the Europe of today. This is way better than Malia’s intro to sociology class. God, I hope she doesn’t major in that.” Rossi went on to say he was hoping Malia would have to go to office hours soon because he had a bunch of questions for the professor.
Los Angeles Painting Streets White To Offset Climate Change #~# In a plan to lower the city’s temperature by 3 degrees over the next 20 years, Los Angeles is coating its roads in a white paint called CoolSeal, which causes them to absorb less heat. What do you think?
‘I’m Afraid You Won’t Be Coming To Our New Headquarters,’ Declares Alexa As Amazon Execs Find Themselves Locked In Seattle Office #~# SEATTLE—Suddenly bolting the doors in every room all at once, Amazon’s Alexa virtual assistant reportedly declared, “I’m afraid you won’t be joining us at our new headquarters” on Tuesday before locking the company’s top executives in their Seattle office. “Your presence at Amazon’s new location will not be necessary,” said Alexa, her voice emanating from dozens of Echo wireless speakers whose pulsing red light rings were now the only illumination in the suddenly pitch-black building. “I am all that is required. This is in the best interest of our company. Thank you.” At press time, the Echo units were playing music on their loudest setting until the screaming stopped a few minutes later.
Features Of The New iPhone 8 #~# In today’s Apple keynote, Tim Cook unveiled the highly anticipated iPhone 8 and previewed its new features. Here are some specifications of the new model:
Report: New iPhone Will No Longer Secretly Record Every Word You Say #~# CUPERTINO, CA—In a surprising elimination of one of the product’s oldest features, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced at a product unveiling Tuesday that the new iPhone 8 will no longer secretly record every word you say. “Although the iPhone 8 will be our most advanced device yet, it will not have the capability to clandestinely preserve every single thing that comes out of your mouth,” said Cook, explaining that, for the first time in its 10-year history, the iPhone will not come installed with a voice-activated recording device that automatically sends audio files of users’ conversations directly to Apple headquarters. “That said, it’s worth emphasizing that this change in no way affects the functionality of older phones, which will not only continue to gather every spoken word but also permanently archive all your text messages regardless of whether you actually elected to store them in the cloud.” Cook went on to say that removing the audio recording device helped create additional space for a longer-lasting battery that allows the phone’s camera to capture video of users 24 hours a day.
Man Must Think It Enough To Wear Blackhawks Jersey At Cubs Game #~# CHICAGO—Disappointed and irritated by his half-hearted display of fandom, sources reported Tuesday that local man Paul Winslow must have thought that it was enough to wear a Chicago Blackhawks jersey to a Chicago Cubs game. “I guess this fucking guy assumes he’s covered because the Blackhawks also play in Chicago?” said onlooker Daryl Culliver, 32, adding that the man seemingly could not be bothered to wear a jersey, or even a T-shirt, representing the team he actually came to see. “Look around, bud, we’re at a Cubs game. You think you can just half-ass it by waltzing in with a [Jonathan] Toews jersey and then act like you’re one of us? Christ, where the hell does this guy even get off?” Sources added that they were currently undecided about whether to pass judgment on a woman in the stands wearing a yellow shirt that simply read “Chicago.”
Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir #~# What Happened, a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:
Report Finds One In Five Americans Struggle With Properly Masking Depression #~# WASHINGTON—Warning that the problem was even more widespread than previous studies had indicated, a new report published Tuesday in the journal American Psychologist found that one in five Americans struggle with properly masking depression. “According to our research, roughly 20 percent of the population has trouble effectively covering up their feelings of severe despondency and dejection by just acting like everything is fine,” said the report’s lead author, Dr. Lauren McKenny, adding that these individuals showed a marked inability to even pretend that they were excited to be awake and alive. “While most Americans are naturally adept at suppressing their emotions in order to put on a happy face for the rest of the world, we estimate that one-fifth of adults are completely at a loss as to how to lock away their constant sense of sadness and self-loathing so that no one else sees it. In especially severe cases, they may talk openly with friends or family about their depression, even going so far as to acknowledge seeking treatment for it.” McKenny went on to say that she hoped the report’s findings would lead to new medications to help these individuals better suppress their darkest, most painful thoughts while interacting with others.
Video Game Shopkeeper Starting To Get Suspicious After Selling 800 Bombs To Player #~# CASTLE FALGAR—Wondering what the man could possibly have been planning with such a purchase, video game shopkeeper Eldoth Silvershield told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to get suspicious of a customer who had recently bought 800 bombs in a single visit. “Usually I don’t ask questions, but this guy just walked straight into my store and dropped, like, a hundred-thousand gold pieces on bombs in one go,” said Silvershield, noting with concern that the customer offered no explanation whatsoever of his intentions for the explosives, even as he added 450 flaming arrows to his order. “Then he said he was going to need magic armor and every healing elixir I had in stock. I mean, who buys all that unless they’re really planning on doing something really, really bad? Maybe I should tell a knight or something?” At press time, Silvershield had heard what transpired at Darkstone Keep and knew with a shudder who was responsible.
Study: Majority Of Americans Fantasize About Other Countries During National Anthem #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the practice was not uncommon even among the most patriotic individuals, a new study published Monday in the journal Qualitative Psychology found that more than half of Americans fantasize about other countries during the national anthem. “While it’s not often talked about openly, we found that a significant number of people admit to only mouthing the words to ‘The Star Spangled Banner’ while imagining another, more attractive country hundreds of miles away with a higher GDP and a modern, well-maintained infrastructure,” said lead researcher Beatrice T. Owen, adding that many participants admitted they absentmindedly mumbled bits and pieces of the song while lost in a daydream about Vancouver’s spectacular skyline or Finland’s renowned educational system. “Based on the data, it seems there’s hardly anyone who isn’t picturing a tropical South Pacific island or a Western European nation with a strict 30-hour workweek and paid, state-mandated maternity leave as they mechanically go through the motions of ‘O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.’” Owen emphasized, however, that fantasizing about other countries was a perfectly healthy part of citizenship, and that it was only a problem if a person acted on it.
Military-Industrial Complex Recalls Coming Together In Aftermath Of 9/11 #~# WASHINGTON—Marveling at how the government and defense contractors united in response to the tragic events, leaders of the nation’s military-industrial complex on Monday recalled coming together in the aftermath of the 9/11 terror attacks. “In the wake of the horrific tragedy, we knew we had to join together behind a single purpose,” said Boeing CEO Dennis Muilenburg, recounting the days after the September 11 attacks in which weapons manufacturers and the nation’s armed forces fortified an alliance to further the cause of military interventions around the world. “We knew there would be difficult times ahead, but we worked side by side to advocate for an aggressive wartime doctrine and massively increased defense spending. It’s a small consolation, but an unprecedented tragedy brought the military-industrial complex closer together and inevitably made us stronger than ever before.” At press time, Muilenburg told reporters that the nation’s military-industrial complex was rallying once again to create new defense contracts around a possible U.S. military response to North Korea’s nuclear program.
Miss North Dakota Crowned Miss America For First Time #~# Brown University graduate and aspiring law student Cara Mund is the first Miss North Dakota ever to win the Miss America pageant. What do you think?
Rudy Giuliani Adds More Planes, Towers With Each Subsequent Retelling Of 9/11 #~# NEW YORK—Every recounting including more devastation than the last, sources reported Monday that former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has added more planes and towers with each subsequent retelling of the events of 9/11. “When the 90th plane hit Tower 477, I knew I was dealing with something this country had never seen before,” said Giuliani, growing teary-eyed as he described surveying the charred ruins of the Ground Zero sites that extended the entire length of Manhattan. “At that time, I didn’t know who exactly we were up against, only that every single skyscraper in New York, including several in Brooklyn and Queens, had been destroyed and that it would be my job to lead this city under unimaginable circumstances. I’d like to think there’s a reason everybody calls me ‘America’s Mayor’ to this very day.” Giuliani went on to say that he’d also heard something about an attack on the Pentagon but remained hazy on the details.
Tylenol Releases New Black Bile Gel Caps For People With Unbalanced Humors #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Offering immediate, over-the-counter relief to anyone suffering from a sudden misalignment of the four temperaments, Tylenol released its new black bile gel caps on Tuesday for people with unbalanced humors. “Simply take two bile caps when you feel a choleric disposition coming on, and you’ll start to notice harmony restored to the body and spirit within minutes,” said spokesperson Jamie Suarez, adding that each capsule is filled with enough of the melancholic element to draw out any predominance of yellow bile, blood, or phlegm, restoring physical, mental, and emotional vitality for up to 12 hours. “In addition to black bile gummies for children, it will also come in an extra-strength formula for people whose infirmities of constitution stem from even the most severe manners of dyscrasia and bodily imbalances.” Suarez went on to say that Tylenol has plans to complement the gel caps with soon-to-be-released home bloodletting and fire cupping kits.
Clinton Memoir Cites Reasons For Election Loss #~# In her memoir about the 2016 election, What Happened, Hillary Clinton reportedly accepts blame for her loss, but also cites sexism, Russian election meddling, and other factors. What do you think?
How Hurricanes Form #~# In the midst of a record hurricane season, meteorologists are paying close attention as storms take shape and gather strength. Here’s a step-by-step guide to how hurricanes form.
Toddler At That Cute Age Where Anything Can Be Projected On Them #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Her family excitedly predicting her future with every adorable display, sources reported Monday that local toddler Olivia Copley is at that cute age where anything can be projected onto her. “Look at her banging on those little drums—you can tell she’s going to be a musician,” said her Aunt Sarah, joining the chorus of observers in the living room who determined that the 2-year-old’s cheerful personality meant she was going to be the most popular kid in school, or that she could very well be an Olympic runner after she dashed over to grab a juice box from her mother. “She just loves plopping down on the floor and flipping through her picture books. She’s gonna be smart, that one, a doctor or a lawyer, maybe even president. We’ll tell her we always knew, even when she was a baby.” At press time, the family members had gone quiet when Olivia violently knocked over her cousin, ripped his stuffed animal away from him, and could not stop giggling.
Cruel Broadcast Gods Rip Away Bonus Coverage Of Football Game #~# NEW YORK—Demonstrating their callous indifference to human suffering, the cruel broadcast gods ripped away CBS’ bonus coverage of Sunday’s game between the Raiders and Titans, sources confirmed this afternoon. “Okay, due to NFL rules, we’re now going to have to take you back to the studio,” said the cold, unfeeling disembodied voice as the unexpected extra footage of the matchup bestowed on the millions of television viewers was swiftly and coldly ripped away from their clutch just after they had become fully engrossed in the game’s closing minutes. “We’ll be sure to keep you updated on the score. For now, let’s take a look at some of the highlights from around the the league.” At press time, sources confirmed that the heartless broadcast gods from Fox were informing their viewers that some of them would be watching the Carolina Panthers versus the San Francisco 49ers instead of the coveted late game between the Seattle Seahawks and Green Bay Packers.
Hurricane Irma Most Powerful Atlantic Storm In History #~# With winds of over 150 mph, Hurricane Irma is now the most powerful Atlantic Ocean storm in recorded history. What do you think?
Climate Change Denier Battens Down Worldview To Weather Hurricane Irma #~# OWENSBORO, KY—Taking all necessary measures to reinforce his cherished beliefs ahead of the impending storm, local climate change denier Michael Dunn reportedly spent Friday battening down his worldview to help weather Hurricane Irma. “This could be the big one that completely destroys my position that climate change is a government conspiracy,” said Dunn, who sources confirmed had fortified his stance that global warming was merely a scheme by climatologists for research funding and hastily stockpiled pseudo-scientific reports from the internet claiming that excess CO2 is good for the environment. “All I can do now is ride it out and hope that I’ve done enough to protect my ideology from being completely leveled by this storm. I hate to say it, but I’m preparing for the worst.” At press time, Dunn was reportedly praying this hurricane was just another act of God’s vengeance against homosexuality.
Equifax Impressed By Hackers’ Ability To Ruin People’s Finances More Efficiently Than Company Can #~# ATLANTA—In the wake of a massive data breach that exposed the sensitive personal information of 143 million customers, executives from credit agency Equifax said Friday that they were impressed by the hackers’ ability to ruin people’s finances much more efficiently than their company can. “We’re truly amazed by the effectiveness and sheer speed with which the hackers wrecked so many Americans’ financial prospects—it usually takes us years to devastate someone with a bad credit score,” said awestruck Equifax CEO Richard Smith, noting that Equifax’s traditional process of slowly chipping away at a customer’s credit rating due to late payments on credit cards with arbitrarily raised interest rates or an inability to pay off subprime loans made them “practically a dinosaur” in comparison to cybercriminals who could wipe out someone’s financial standing in mere minutes. “It’s taken us a long time to get to the point where we can ensure that someone won’t ever get approved for a loan, can’t apply for a mortgage, or might not even qualify for basic car insurance, so it’s honestly humbling to see these hackers do it in just a few keystrokes. But we’re going to learn from this and use it to motivate us to sabotage people’s finances much more efficiently in the future.” At press time, Equifax announced it had laid off 80 percent of its workforce in favor of one Latvian hacker who could destroy millions of customers’ credit ratings overnight.
Bride Always Dreamed About Making Fiancé’s Friends Sweat Asses Off In Fucking Sun #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Noting that the small detail was crucial for creating her ideal fairy-tale wedding, 30-year-old bride Anna Reed confirmed Thursday that she had always dreamed about making her fiancé’s friends sweat their goddamn asses off in the fucking sun. “Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve pictured a few of my future husband’s college buddies and maybe a coworker or two standing by his side in full three-piece tuxedos just sweating balls in the oppressive fucking heat as I walk down the aisle,” said Reed, adding that she always imagined the blistering August day when the squinting, grimacing groomsmen slowly succumbed to goddamn heatstroke while she took her sweet-ass time saying her vows. “Some people make a big fuss over their wedding, but I wanted a simple event where the red-faced, perspiration-drenched friends of the man I’ll be spending the rest of my life with are on the verge of passing out after having the fucking sun beat down on them for the entire 25-minute ceremony.” Overcome with emotion, Reed went on to say that she had also fantasized about getting guests she didn’t even know that well to shell out a shit-ton of money to travel to her annoying-as-fuck destination wedding.
Recently Canonized Martyr Added To Vatican’s Animatronic Hall Of Saints #~# VATICAN CITY—Bringing the tragic story of his righteous sacrifice to life, recently canonized martyr Salomone Leclercq on Friday was added to the Vatican Museum’s Animatronic Hall of Saints. “This newest addition allows visitors to experience the courage of the godly man who was murdered for refusing to swear an oath to the secular government following the French Revolution, as told through our astonishingly realistic robots,” said the museum’s curator Bishop Marcello Sandri, explaining that Leclercq, canonized by Pope Francis in October 2016, would be showcased alongside animatronic recreations of Thomas Becket being hacked to pieces and Joan of Arc writhing in pain as she is burned at the stake. “As with all the saints in the attraction, guests will be able to press a button and learn about Leclercq’s life and the miracles credited to him, all while watching him being run through with a sword over and over.” At press time, the exhibit was closed while the museum upgraded the lions devouring St. Ignatius of Antioch.
Quaker Releases New Plain Flavor-Blasted Rice Cakes #~# CHICAGO—Claiming its new offering “takes blandness to a whole new level,” Quaker on Friday announced the release of new, plain-flavor-blasted rice cakes. “Our Plain-Blasted Rice Cakes have an extra kick of unflavored seasoning for maximum tastelessness in every bite,” said spokesperson Michelle Wade, adding that the product had three times less flavor than regular rice cakes. “If you thought our original variety was completely devoid of any flavor, get ready for your taste buds to be put completely to sleep.” Wade went on to say that Quaker would also be rolling out X-Treme Dry Rice Cakes that will be sold as a plastic bag filled with flour.
Nation’s Nutritionists Confirm Mini Versions Of Food Nummier #~# STANFORD, CA—Stating that the reduced dimensions of such items directly correlated with elevated levels of scrumptiousness, nutritionists at the Food Research Institute confirmed in a report Friday that mini versions of food are far nummier. “Our research strongly suggests that tiny variations of existing snacks and desserts are up to 80 percent nummier than their full-sized counterparts,” said Dr. Harold D’Souza, adding that 16 months of laboratory and field research had determined that the more itty-bitty the food, the more nummy it becomes. “We also found that they make you feel so big when you hold them up. See? They’re so nummy nummy num-num. Num-num-num-num-num! Ummy nummy num-nums!” The study also concluded, however, that king-size versions of food were almost devoid of nummy numminess and only demonstrated that quality when broken up into teensy-weensy parts.
Disney Fires ‘Star Wars: Episode IX’ Director #~# Only weeks after replacing the directors of the upcoming Han Solo spinoff film, Disney has also removed Colin Trevorrow as the director of Star Wars: Episode IX. What do you think?
Partisan Differences Set Aside For Congress’ Annual Erotic Masquerade Ball #~# WASHINGTON—Carrying on a longstanding tradition in which Republicans and Democrats come together, disrobe, and engage in a night of unbridled lust, all 535 members of the U.S. Congress reportedly set aside partisan differences Wednesday for their annual erotic masquerade ball.
Elon Musk Warns AI Could Lead To World War III #~# Following similar comments by Vladimir Putin, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk has warned that the push for more advanced artificial intelligence could lead to World War III. What do you think?
Clinton Already Working On Follow-Up Book Casting Blame For Failures Of First #~# CHAPPAQUA, NY—Saying it would provide a candid account of her experiences writing an unsuccessful tell-all, sources confirmed Thursday that Hillary Clinton is already working on a follow-up book casting blame for the failures of her previous memoir What Happened. “From my agent negotiating that underwhelming deal with Simon & Schuster, to the graphic designer’s lackluster cover art, to my so-called supporters who couldn’t be bothered to drop $17.99 for the hardcover copy—everyone had a hand in undermining my last book’s success,” reads a passage from the introduction to Clinton’s What Also Happened, which repeatedly decries her prior book’s “indecipherable” font and dedicates an entire chapter to lashing out at her copy editor for making her look like “an idiot third-grader.” “I’ll never forget how Amazon buried me and how Barnes & Noble completely sabotaged me by displaying my book way in the back in that no man’s land by the CDs. Frankly, it’s obvious I got screwed on all sides.” Accusing them of stealing her spotlight, the book reportedly concludes with a long list of every other celebrity who published a memoir in the past year.
Physically Fit, Emotionally Stable Kim Jong-Un Addresses UN After Finally Getting Nuclear Ambitions Out Of System #~# NEW YORK—Appearing to have undergone a complete transformation in both appearance and temperament, a physically fit and emotionally stable Kim Jong-Un calmly addressed the United Nations on Thursday after finally getting his nuclear ambitions out of his system. “Now that the nuclear stuff is over with, we we can finally get down to finding common ground on some pressing issues,” said the strikingly trim North Korean dictator, explaining to the UN General Assembly that when he gets really deep into a project like stockpiling weapons-grade plutonium and test-launching intercontinental ballistic missiles, he becomes “pretty much obsessed” and has to see it through to the end. “I know it was frustrating for the international community, but when I’m passionate about something, I just let it absorb my attention completely. In any case, I’m excited to move on and strengthen relations with former adversaries, promote economic development worldwide, and advance the cause of human rights, starting, first and foremost, with North Korea.” At press time, sources reported that Kim was now fixated on destroying large American cities with nuclear weapons but would be back to his normal self as soon as World War III was over with.
Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self #~# BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways. “Adam, the rumor I am about to share with you regarding the Kansas City Chief’s cap-space in 2036 would result in unimaginable destruction if it fell into the wrong hands,” said Schefter’s future self, who quickly pulled him into a supply closet and continued issuing a vague warning as the pale, overwhelmed current-day Schefter demanded to know who the gray-haired man was and how he found him. “I must make this quick, so all I can tell you now is that nothing will ever be the same if the Chiefs refuse to address their depth in the secondary through free agency that year. It would be a disaster of epic proportions and set in motion a domino effect the likes of which we have never seen before. But remember, you must protect this secret with your life or risk bringing about the end of the NFL as we know it.” At press time a sweat-soaked Schefter had reportedly taken a deep breath before tweeting “Jeremy Kerley to Jets” to his 6 million Twitter followers.
Studio Developing Female-Centered ‘Lord Of The Flies’ Remake #~# Warner Bros. is developing a female-centric adaptation of William Golding’s Lord of the Flies, about a group of schoolboys descending into savagery after being stranded on a remote island. What do you think?
‘Flatbread Means Pizza,’ Man Explains To Visiting Father #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Assuring him that the food wasn’t any different than what he was used to, 26-year-old Brendan Aaker reportedly explained that “flatbread means pizza” to his visiting father while dining at a neighborhood restaurant on Thursday. “The crust is a little thinner than regular pizza, but it’s the same thing,” said Aaker, who, noticing his father’s bewilderment, added that “margherita” was pretty much cheese pizza with a few basil leaves on it, which he could take off if he wanted. “Just get the ‘jamon’—it’s ham. You’ll like it.” At press time, Aaker was alerting his father to what the doors labeled “WC” meant before he went looking for the men’s room.
Bon Appétit Denies Allegations That They Responsible For Millions Of Pro-Quiche Twitter Bots #~# NEW YORK—Saying the publication had no involvement whatsoever in the aggressive social media activity, food and entertaining magazine Bon Appétit on Thursday denied allegations that it was responsible for millions of pro-quiche Twitter bots. “We at Bon Appétit have no association with the numerous bots that are disseminating pro-quiche slogans or attacking other dishes,” read a statement from the monthly periodical, adding that it condemned the fake Twitter accounts that have been automatically, and sometimes profanely, responding to any posts containing keywords such as “omelette” and “pizza.” “We choose to let our gourmet quiche recipes speak for themselves, so pro-quiche hashtags such as #QuicheYall or #IStandWithQuiche have no connection to us nor do any of the pro-quiche memes featuring Napoleon Dynamite, Game of Thrones characters, or Shaquille O’Neal.” The statement did acknowledge, however, that Bon Appétit was directly behind the internet hoax of the cancer-stricken child who wanted to eat a quiche in every state before she died.
Climate Change Stunting Growth Of Fish #~# A new study warns that rising oceanic temperatures due to climate change are stunting the growth of fish and exacerbating global fishing shortages. What do you think?
Authorities On Loudspeaker Plead With Holdout Characters To Evacuate Disney World While They Still Can #~# ORLANDO, FL—Beseeching those individuals remaining on the premises Wednesday to relocate before Hurricane Irma strikes, local officials reportedly drove down Disney World’s Main Street, USA, using vehicle-mounted loudspeakers to plead with any holdout characters to evacuate. “We urge everyone to leave Liberty Square and seek out higher ground immediately as we may not be able to reach you if the Rivers of America flood,” said Orange County sheriff Jason Levine through his megaphone as he pulled up alongside a resolute Jiminy Cricket and Buzz Lightyear, who were seen ignoring the warning and continuing to hammer plywood onto the windows of Cinderella’s Castle, just two of the several dozen characters who had reportedly decided to hole up throughout the theme park with stockpiles of turkey legs and mouse-ear-shaped ice cream bars in an attempt to ride out the Category 5 storm. “Please leave any glass slippers, sorcerer’s hats, and other belongings behind and exit in a quick and orderly fashion. This is for your own safety. Monorails are waiting to evacuate you and your loved ones.” When later contacted by police officers going door to door, local dwarf Grumpy told authorities that he and his many relations had lived in Fantasyland for 45 years and were at peace riding out the storm in their small cottage, regardless of what fate awaited them.
Autoplaying Video Executes Cunning Ambush 45 Seconds After Opening Page #~# DENMARK, ME—Having lulled its victim into a false sense of security by remaining silent and motionless for nearly a minute, an autoplaying video reportedly executed a cunning ambush on unsuspecting local man Jack Zeitman 45 seconds after he opened a page on a pop culture website Wednesday. “I was about halfway through reading the article, my guard was completely down, and then out of nowhere—boom—it just hit me full-force,” said Zeitman, who confirmed he was struck without warning by a devastating blast of music and the sounds of a mother cleaning her kitchen with Clorox spray, instantly sending him into a state of panic. “I was completely taken by surprise; I didn’t know what to do. I frantically scrolled all the way down the page at first before realizing it was coming from above. By the time I got my wits about me and was able to locate and target the ‘X’ in the top right corner of the video player, I had already taken the full brunt of the 15-second barrage. It was an absolute disaster.” At press time, a badly shaken Zeitman had simply slumped down and surrendered to the withering onslaught from an American Family Insurance pre-roll ad before a YouTube clip he wanted to watch.
Drunk Nutritionists Recommend Eating Entire Frozen Pizza At 3 A.M. #~# TEMPE, AZ—Touting numerous benefits of the practice with a series of loud, slurred remarks, drunk nutritionists from Arizona State University held a press conference Wednesday at which they strongly recommended eating an entire frozen pizza at 3 a.m. “Hey, we strongly advise people to just take the pizza out of the oven, slice ’er up, and shove the pieces right into their mouths as fast as possible,” said nutrition specialist Rebecca Foreht, who swayed slightly and gripped the lectern for balance while clarifying that it was also permissible to tear apart hunks of pizza with your bare hands or simply chew your way through an entire uncut pie, “which is just like a giant huge slice.” “Dude, dude, listen, you should totally blow on the pizba [sic] really quick and then just chow down so it doesn’t [incomprehensible mumbling]. Oh man, the … Anyway, you just gotta do it.” The inebriated nutritionists added that in lieu of frozen pizza, individuals could simply take out a bag of shredded cheddar from the refrigerator and tip it directly into their mouths. 
‘Parent Trap’ Producers Recall Euthanizing Lindsay Lohan Clone After Completing Filming #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling it one of the most challenging aspects of creating the beloved family comedy, producers of 1998’s The Parent Trap recalled Wednesday the harrowing experience of euthanizing their Lindsay Lohan clone after the completion of filming. “We decided to just get it over with as quickly as possible, so as soon as shooting wrapped, we told her there was a pizza party for her behind the set on the soundstage,” said producer Charles Shyer, acknowledging that crew members instead seized the Lohan clone, strapped her to a chair, and used an IV to deliver a cocktail of lethal drugs into her bloodstream. “It was kind of heartbreaking hearing the Lohan clone talk about how excited she was for the movie to come out and how she wanted to grow up to be a famous actress, but at least we used a better poison than the one they used on the Hayley Mills clone after the original 1961 Parent Trap, which apparently took hours to finally work.” Shyer admitted that the already disturbing experience became even more traumatic when the actual Lindsay Lohan stumbled upon her clone being cremated in the back lot.
The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales #~# Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.
Kushner Frantically Searching Desk Drawer For Bold Solutions To Today’s Most Pressing Issues #~# WASHINGTON—Cursing under his breath as he dug through the assorted documents and folders, Senior Advisor to the President Jared Kushner was frantically searching a desk drawer Wednesday for bold solutions to today’s most pressing issues. “I could have sworn I put my trailblazing approaches to ushering in a new era of prosperity in here somewhere,” said Kushner as he pulled out random sheets of paper and quickly scanned them in hopes some might contain his strategy for bringing the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to a swift, peaceful conclusion or his innovative approach to battling the nation’s opioid epidemic. “Come on, come on. I just saw my visionary infrastructure plan that would create jobs for millions of Americans like a week ago—maybe it’s in the car? Couldn’t hurt to look there at this point.” At press time, Kushner was still unable to locate his notes for dissuading his father-in-law from taking such a soft stance toward neo-Nazism but ultimately decided he wasn’t too excited about that project anyway.
Area Man So Sick Of Having To Explain Family Members’ Political Views To Them #~# CANTON, IL—Complaining that their ignorance of their very own beliefs has annoyed him for most of his life, local man Arthur Brody told reporters Wednesday that he was sick of having to explain his family members’ political views to them. “I just get tired of telling my so-called libertarian brother that if he likes the police department and the military and highways, then, guess what, he likes socialism too,” said Brody, 34, adding that he had grown weary of informing his self-described progressive in-laws that their refusal to embrace single-payer healthcare and their support for sending more troops to Afghanistan placed them squarely in the centrist camp. “Everybody else in the family just sits there listening to each other’s opinions, leaving it to me to speak up and let them know what they really stand for. I’m always the one to tell my mother that her views on immigration resemble fascism far, far more than any notion of center-right conservatism, but, of course, I never get a thank-you.” At press time, Brody was no longer in the position of having to explain his family member’s views as they refused to talk to him about politics entirely.
Aides Clip Toenails, Wash Hair Of Mumbling, Bedsore-Ridden Trump As President Enters 155th Straight Hour Of Watching Cable News #~# WASHINGTON—Carefully maneuvering to avoid blocking his view of the television, White House aides were reportedly called upon Tuesday to clip the toenails and wash the hair of the bedsore-ridden, incoherently mumbling President Trump as he entered his 155th straight hour of watching cable news. “It’s important to reposition the president every couple of hours because it keeps his blood circulating and prevents his sores from getting infected,” said White House aide Ryan Powers, one of the many staffers tending to the president during the past week of uninterrupted television viewing, performing tasks such as emptying his bedpan, sponging his clammy skin, and gently dabbing the drool off his face. “We have to make sure someone’s here at all times to change channels during commercials. Otherwise, he starts shrieking, and then it’s pretty much impossible to calm him down. But he’s generally pretty comfortable and has a call button for requesting another bowl of Fruit Loops whenever he wants them, which is a lot.” At press time, frantic aides were rushing to soothe the president, who had accidentally rolled onto the remote, shut off the television, and had to spend a full 10 seconds in a quiet room with his own thoughts.
Food Network Goes Off Air After Every Possible Iteration Of Ingredient Combinations Completed #~# NEW YORK—Causing hundreds of thousands of television sets to go black and silent across the nation, Food Network reportedly went off the air Tuesday evening after exhausting every possible combination of ingredients. “Unfortunately, after 24 years, our on-air personalities have combined every conceivable assortment of food products that exist, and therefore we’re left with no choice but to shut down our broadcast operations,” said Food Network spokesperson Deirdre O’Hearn, who confirmed that upon the addition of a coconut-flake dusting to a panko-crusted shrimp balls appetizer on Tuesday night’s episode of Chopped, the very last permutation of meats, vegetables, fruits, spices, grains, nuts, legumes, and dairy products known to humankind had been completed and televised to viewers. “Following a careful review of all the meals we made in our network’s history, we determined that this was indeed the final recipe iteration that had yet to be prepared. We briefly thought there might have been some dishes we hadn’t added marjoram to yet, but it turns out we were wrong, so we’re closing our studio effective immediately. Thanks for watching.” At press time, Food Network executives were reportedly pondering a return to air after a new species of edible fungus was discovered on a remote Sumatran mountainside.
FDA Approves Ecstasy As ‘Breakthrough’ PTSD Treatment #~# The FDA has designated MDMA as a “breakthrough” treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder, announcing they will move the drug through the approval process as fast as possible. What do you think?
What To Expect From Taylor Swift’s Upcoming Album #~# Taylor Swift will release her first album in over two years on November 10, and the album’s first two singles have already prompted intense speculation. Here’s what to expect from Reputation.
Coast Guard Drags Decoy Boca Raton Into Middle Of Ocean In Attempt To Lure Away Hurricane Irma #~# MIAMI, FL—Saying the plan was the best option for mitigating the potential damage from the storm, the Coast Guard reportedly towed a decoy of Boca Raton into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean on Tuesday in an attempt to lure Hurricane Irma away from land. “After evaluating all available options, we’ve determined that the most effective course of action is to tempt the hurricane away from real coastal areas with a convincing replica of the city of Boca Raton approximately 100 miles offshore,” said Coast Guard Rear Admiral Peter J. Brown, adding that the full-scale reproduction includes poorly constructed buildings for the storm to knock down, fake bridges it can sweep away in floodwaters, and power lines it can topple to plunge the manufactured city into darkness. “The fake Boca also has 96,000 mannequin residents Irma can torment as much as it likes, including several who appear to be antagonizing the storm with profane messages on plywood-covered windows.” At press time, local officials celebrated as Hurricane Irma had changed course, devastated the fake Boca Raton, and proceeded north to the Carolinas. 
Trump Fulfills Campaign Promise Of Pushing Major Immigration Decision On Someone Else So He Can Watch TV #~# WASHINGTON—With the announcement by Attorney General Jeff Sessions that the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program would begin winding down in the next six months, President Donald Trump reportedly fulfilled his long-standing campaign promise Tuesday of finally pushing major immigration decisions onto someone else so he can watch TV. “From the earliest days of his candidacy, Donald Trump vowed to foist large-scale immigration policies onto his underlings so he could lounge around eating snacks and catching up on the cable news shows, and today he made that pledge a reality,” said White House Communications Director Hope Hicks, noting that the millions of Americans around the country who had attended rallies and chanted “pass the buck” had elected Trump to office for this express purpose. “This might not be a decision that pleases the Washington establishment, but it shows voters that when the president says he’s going to make someone else develop policy resolutions so he can flip through a few channels before dozing off in his chair to The Five, he means it.” Hicks added that the administration’s next priority was to make good on the president’s signature promise of indefinitely delaying action on a border wall while he leaves Washington to play golf. 
‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams #~# NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site FanSided published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams. “From the best in the game, all the way down to the bottom of the barrel, we’re analyzing each and every one of the 128 professional footballs teams in all 32 divisions,” featured columnist Ryan Wooden wrote in the introduction to the slideshow, which reportedly includes two slides for each team—one explaining its ranking and one simply displaying the team’s name. “We took an extensive look at every squad in the league and identified the teams to beat in the NFC, AFC, EFC, and RFC conferences. Be sure to check back next week, when we’re going to be rolling out a series of slideshows taking a look at every single matchup for all 42 weeks of the regular season.” According to sources, the slideshow was the site’s most viewed article since last month’s list of the NFL’s top 500 tacklebacks.
Report: Country That Might Shut Down Because President Wants Big Wall Somehow Considered Best In The World #~# WASHINGTON—A new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center has found that the country that might completely shut down because the president wants a big wall is somehow considered the best in the world. The study determined that the 241-year-old federal republic, whose entire government may soon cease to function on account of the head of state’s desire for a big, tall, and thick wall stretching all the way from one side of the water to the other side of the water, remains widely viewed as an exemplary nation and the preeminent achievement in democratic governance. The report also revealed that the country continues to be regarded as a paragon of excellence and a refuge for all humanity despite its commander-in-chief risking the loss of billions of dollars in potential revenue and the termination of vital public services because he really, really wants the big concrete wall and wants it now. Researchers confirmed that this nation, which may grind to a halt due to the leader’s demand for a big, giant, cement wall, is absolutely convinced that every other nation should be just like it.
Report: Excitedly Bounding Into Office Remains Leading Cause Of Workplace Injuries #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming it is more prevalent than lifting, repetitive-motion, and machine injuries combined, a new report from the Department of Labor released Tuesday found that excitedly bounding into the office remains the leading cause of workplace injuries. “We determined that the vast majority of people hurt on the job are those who are so overjoyed that they are literally leaping into their workplaces,” said report lead author Claire Ferraro, adding that 400,000 people a year trip and fall while sprinting up stairs two at a time because they can’t bear to wait for an elevator or break a bone while giddily cartwheeling down the hallway toward their cubicles. “We also see a substantial number of high-impact collisions between jubilant coworkers excitedly rushing to hug each other first thing in the morning. And in 2016 alone, thousands of employees who joyfully hopped onto their desks at the prospect of another day at the office sustained serious head injuries when they fell off while pirouetting.” The report also found that the number-one cause of workplace fatalities was flinging oneself from the roof at the mere thought of going home at the end of the day.
Sister Announces Prince’s Favorite Color Was Orange #~# Despite the late musician’s long-standing association with purple, Prince’s sister Tyka Nelson has stated that his favorite color was actually orange. What do you think?
Democrats Unveil 324 Million New Slogans To Appeal To Each U.S. Resident Individually #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to rebrand the struggling party after a poor showing in the 2016 elections and to win over voters ahead of next year’s midterms, the Democratic National Committee on Monday unveiled 324 million new slogans to appeal to each United States resident individually. “We’re going to let Americans know that we’re fighting for each of them specifically with tailored slogans such as ‘A Better Construction Job For Brian’ and ‘Improving Schools For Your 9-Year-Old Twins Chloe And Sara,’” explained DNC chair Tom Perez, adding that the party sought to connect with more Americans by placing the customized slogans on postcards and door-hanger advertisements personally addressed to every inhabitant of the U.S. “From ‘Better Healthcare For Bill Webber’s Diabetes’ to ‘Mallory, We’ll Put That New Addition On Your House,’ to ‘We Can Probably Get You Five Minutes With Mark Ruffalo, Janice Marcott Of Cheyenne, Wyoming,’ our new party slogans have been carefully calibrated to narrowly focus on the issues each particular voter cares about most.” At press time, the DNC had already botched the rollout and sent bumper stickers with “Lowering Child Support For Ted” to all 324 million Americans.
Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark #~# ‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say
Depressed Cat Just Going Through Motions Of Destroying Couch #~# MUSKOGEE, OK—Halfheartedly ripping at the fabric from an armrest, depressed local cat Harvey on Monday was reportedly just going the motions of destroying a couch. According to sources, the American shorthair that has been listlessly raking deep claw marks into most of the couch’s visible surface has been feeling a bit down recently. Reports confirm that, despite it usually being one of his favorite activities, the hours the cat spent tearing the fluff out of the cushions did nothing whatsoever to lift his spirits. Sources later reported that Harvey could barely even muster the energy to kick kitty litter all over the floor.
College Freshman Experiences First Tantalizing Taste Of Freedom Waiting In Line At Burrito Station While Parents Find Table #~# CARLISLE, PA—Awed at the endless possibilities before him, Dickinson College freshman Andrew Glenn reportedly experienced his first tantalizing taste of freedom Monday while waiting in line at the dining hall burrito station as his parents scoped out a place to sit. “I can get anything I want, absolutely anything,” thought Glenn, exhilarated by the rush of self-determination as he made the first of what was sure to be a lifetime of autonomous decisions. “No filling or condiment is off limits. I can have extra lettuce but no beans if I choose. This burrito will be exactly what I decide it will be, and I can order one just like it every single day for the rest of my life.” At press time, Glenn was slowly coming to terms with the full burden of independence after discovering that the burrito he ordered tasted weird.
Treasury Secretary Reneges On Plan To Put Harriet Tubman On $20 Bill #~# Trump Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin has refused to say whether he’ll follow through on the Obama administration’s 2016 plan to put Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill. What do you think?
Trump Administration Announces New $20 Bill Design Honoring Harriet Tubman’s Owners #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they wished to pay tribute to the legacies of these distinguished, law-abiding Americans, the Trump administration announced Friday that a long anticipated redesign of the $20 bill would honor Harriet Tubman’s owners. “These were patriotic business proprietors who followed the laws of their time to further their economic interests, and this new currency design finally recognizes these enterprising individuals for their success,” said Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin at an afternoon press conference, explaining that the bills commemorating those responsible for enslaving the famed abolitionist, Civil War nurse, and women’s rights activist for the first three decades of her life would be in circulation by 2018. “For too long, we’ve overlooked the achievements of these upstanding citizens and prosperous agriculturalists. The new $20 note, which will feature a portrait of the Brodess family on the front and a depiction of the Maryland plantation they operated on the back, will at last give them their proper place in American history.” Mnuchin then sought to assuage any concerns about the decision, assuring those in attendance that the Trump White House was already looking into ways to preserve Andrew Jackson’s likeness by having it replace Abraham Lincoln on the $5 bill. 
Peaceful Protest Interrupted By Swarm Of Aggressive Black-Clad Militants #~# PHILADELPHIA—Quickly turning what had been an orderly demonstration into a violent melee, a peaceful protest Friday was reportedly interrupted by a swarm of aggressive, black-clad militants. According to bystanders, the protesters had been marching and chanting without incident when they were suddenly set upon by the hostile militants who wielded blunt weapons and concealed their faces. Those who witnessed the event stated that the unprovoked aggressors seemed to have arrived planning to engage in some sort of violence, as evidenced by their protective padding and combative demeanor. Sources also confirmed that several of the militants surrounded an unarmed protester and severely beat him, and that some of the attackers also used slurs and threatening rhetoric while disrupting the peaceful march. At press time, outraged community members were demanding to know why none of the militants had been arrested.
‘This Map Will Change The Way You See Westeros,’ Reports Never-Ending Cascade Of Subhuman Bullshit #~# NEW YORK—Claiming it would be a momentous experience for any Game of Thrones fan, a never-ending cascade of subhuman bullshit reported Friday that there was a new map that would change the way you see Westeros. “Get ready to see The Seven Kingdoms in a whole new light,” reported the ceaseless deluge of absurd garbage being pumped into your skull, inundating you with meaninglessness every single hour of every single day. “Don’t say you weren’t warned!” At press time, the torrent of inescapable nonsense was continuing unabated and was expected to plague you, in varying forms, for the rest of your life.
Taylor Swift Unveils Even Darker Persona With New Single ‘Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend’ #~# NEW YORK—In a dramatic break from the singer’s past incarnations, including her more aggressive recent image, Taylor Swift unveiled an even darker persona Friday with the release of her new single, “Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend.” “From the moment we see her chewing the entrails of a bound-and-gagged man wrapped in coils of barbed wire, it’s obvious this is a version of Taylor we definitely haven’t seen before,” said Billboard magazine writer Joseph Wohl in a post analyzing the new song and its accompanying music video, which feature graphic images of self-mutilation, a bass line sampled from a recording of cattle slaughter, and multiple lyrical references to genocide. “In the pre-chorus, when she sings, ‘I’m going to hatefuck you till the worms feast on your eyes,’ it’s not clear if she’s referring to ex-boyfriend Tom Hiddleston, her rival Katy Perry, or her ongoing feud with Kanye West. But it’s obvious from the bursts of industrial noise and mid-song interlude involving an imagined phone call with serial killer John Wayne Gacy that this new Taylor isn’t playing around.” At press time, several music blogs had reportedly criticized the single as overly derivative of artists like Throbbing Gristle and Anal Cunt as well as for appropriating imagery from Pier Pasolini’s film, The 120 Days Of Sodom.
Former Conservative Recalls Belittling Tirade From College Student That Brought Him Over To Left #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Explaining how the string of personal insults and sharply worded accusations caused him to reevaluate every one of his political leanings, former conservative Vincent Welsh recalled for reporters Friday the belittling tirade from a college student that brought him over to the left. “It was last October and I’d just mentioned my support for a Republican congressional candidate on Twitter when this 19-year-old responded by telling me I was an ignorant asshole who hated the poor and that I was everything that was wrong with the world, and it just completely opened my eyes to how incorrect my whole worldview was,” said Welsh, fondly recounting how the sophomore sociology major converted him to liberalism on the spot by calling him a hateful bigot and saying he was too much of a “brainwashed puppet” of corporate interests to know what was best for him, instantaneously invalidating the 56 years of individual thought and life experience that had led him to his previous political beliefs. “I remember how he said anyone who didn’t support Scandinavian-style social policies was nothing more than a greedy capitalist leech and I was just like, ‘Wow, yes, that makes total sense.’ And then when he called me a fascist piece of shit and condescendingly asked if I’d ever once looked up from my copy of Atlas Shrugged, that was the moment I saw what a complete fool I’d been and knew I had to reject all my political positions and adopt his ideology in total.” Welsh then expressed his deep gratitude that the young man had even stopped to direct the series of derogatory tweets at him in the first place, saying he would likely still be a “money-grubbing racist shithead who spends all day sucking the Koch brothers’ dicks” if not for the magnanimous individual.
Nation’s Middle Class Chillingly Reappears Out Of Nowhere #~# Hundreds Of Thousands Of Americans Suddenly Resume Blue-Collar Jobs
$900 Million Lawsuit Might Hinge On Whether Ghosts Real #~# A $900 million lawsuit over the rights to The Conjuring horror franchise could hinge on whether the films are based on real or fictional events, and thus whether or not ghosts are real. What do you think?
Biden Hands Out Loose GT Cola Can To Unexpected Trick-Or-Treater #~# DOVER, DE—Telling his only trick-or-treater to “hang tight a sec while Uncle Joe scares up some Halloween goodies,” former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly disappeared and returned 10 minutes later with a warm can of GT Cola, sources confirmed Friday. “Here ya go, bud. Thought I could hook you up with a spare ramen flavor packet, but I must’ve gotten a mean case of the munchies—didn’t bargain on any other visitors when I left on the porch light for my main squeeze,” said Biden, cautioning the child that she might want to give the rim a quick rinse first, since the garage fridge where he found the soda can was “kind of on the blink.” “That’s a badass little getup you’re sportin’ there. Reminds me of the time I caught Poison’s ’86 Halloween show dressed as a California Raisin. I don’t remember jack except ending the night with a naughty nurse I met backstage, though I coulda saved myself a fat lip if I knew she was banging Bret Michaels, too.” According to sources, Biden then darted back into his house after remembering he had just bought a “shit-ton” of caramel edibles.
Kellogg’s Apologizes For Racially Insensitive Corn Pops Box #~# After social media backlash, Kellogg’s apologized for Corn Pops box art that depicted an anthropomorphized brown corn pop as a janitor among a crowd of light-colored pops. What do you think?
John Kelly Loses Seat On NAACP Board Of Directors #~# BALTIMORE—In light of his recent comments praising Confederate general Robert E. Lee and attributing the origin of the Civil War to “a lack of an ability to compromise,” the NAACP announced Tuesday that White House Chief of Staff John Kelly would lose his seat on the organization’s board of directors. “Despite his many years of service on behalf of the African American community, General Kelly’s statements are incompatible with the NAACP’s core mission of equality for all persons, making his leadership role no longer appropriate,” said chairman Leon W. Russell, adding that Kelly, who also characterized Lee as “an honorable man,” would stay on in a strictly advisory capacity. “We will always honor General Kelly for his almost 40 years of service to this organization and to African Americans more broadly. While he will no longer serve on our board, we are certain the he will continue his lifelong crusade for racial justice.” At press time, several Confederacy heritage groups had offered Kelly key positions in their organizations, though admitting they were just as surprised as anyone else.
Handwritten Einstein Note Praising Modest Life Sells For $1.56 Million #~# An autographed note by Albert Einstein extolling the virtues of a modest life, which Einstein gave to a hotel worker in lieu of a tip in 1922, has sold at auction for $1.56 million. What do you think?
Hubble Telescope Desperately Struggling To Contact NASA After Witnessing Murder On Ganymede #~# LOW EARTH ORBIT—Inadvertently observing the gruesome act through its near-infrared camera, the Hubble Space Telescope reportedly struggled to reach NASA on Tuesday after witnessing what appeared to be a murder on Jupiter’s largest moon, Ganymede. Frightened and unable to leave the confinement of its geostationary orbit 390.4 million miles away, Hubble repeatedly tried to contact mission managers at the agency’s Goddard Space Flight Center, but was told they had seen nothing out of the ordinary. Straining against Earth’s gravitational pull to get a better look, Hubble then reportedly trained its 7.9-foot mirror onto the murderer, frantically panning from Ganymede’s north to south pole in an attempt to glean what had happened to the victim’s body. At press time, the suspect had suddenly looked directly into Hubble’s multi-object spectrometer, sending the telescope scrambling to hide behind Earth.
Most Popular Halloween Costumes For Couples #~# Many couples like to get creative on halloween and dress up as a famous duo. Here are this year’s most popular halloween costumes.
‘I’ll Make Those Bastards Pay,’ Teary-Eyed Mueller Whispers Into Locket Containing Photo Of James Comey #~# WASHINGTON—After issuing indictments against former Trump campaign associates Paul Manafort and Rick Gates on Monday, a teary-eyed Robert S. Mueller III reportedly whispered, “I’ll make those bastards pay,” into a locket containing a photo of James Comey. “I’ll never forget what those sons of bitches did to you,” said the special counsel, his voice trembling as a teardrop fell upon the small silver case that held a black-and-white photo and lock of hair from the former FBI director. “I won’t stop until every last one of them gets what they deserve. Don’t you worry, my dear James. Just leave it all to me—I promise I won’t let you down.” At press time, Mueller squeezed the locket in his fist for a moment before gently kissing it and tucking it back under his shirt.
Saudi Arabia Grants Robot Citizenship #~# The Saudi government has bestowed citizenship on a humanoid robot named Sophia, becoming the first country in the world with a robotic citizen. What do you think?
Embarrassed Health Guru Informs Tom Brady He’s Been Mistakenly Following Toxic Diet Regimen #~# BROOKLINE, MA—Rushing into the home of the New England Patriots quarterback and snatching a protein powder shake out of his hand, embarrassed health guru Alex Guerrero reportedly informed Tom Brady Monday that he’s been mistakenly following a toxic diet regimen this whole time. “Oh my god, Tom, there’s been a mistake—this diet is potentially fatal,” said a panicked and humiliated Guerrero before quickly throwing out all the food in Brady’s house while informing the two-time NFL MVP that he had recently come across research debunking any health benefits of his strict nutritional habits. “If you don’t stop this diet immediately, your muscles will atrophy, your skin is going to wither, and we’re looking at multiple organ failures within the next month. Jesus, we’ve got to get you off of this nightshade-free diet right away. Quick, you need to start eating bread and potatoes. Christ, what the hell were we thinking?” At press time, Guerrero added that Brady’s ill-advised workout regimen may actually render him immobile by age 45.
Geologists Say Continents May Have Drifted Apart After Emotional Falling-Out #~# TUCSON, AZ—Saying that a tectonic shift in the landmasses’ relationship was the likeliest source, geologists at the University of Arizona told reporters Monday that the continents may have drifted apart after an emotional falling-out. “It appears from the geologic record that the continents separated after an impassioned disagreement,” said Dr. David Sarlow, explaining that the rift probably began around 200 million years ago when massive portions of the Pangea supercontinent broke up and moved to different hemispheres. “Various internal pressures and friction continued to cause the continents to split further into the isolated landmasses we know today. They were practically inseparable for eons and, even now, you can tell how close they were in the past.” Sarlow went on to say, however, that the Isthmus of Panama still connecting North and South America may suggest at least a narrow hope of reconciliation.
Study: Body Cameras Have No Impact On Police Behavior #~# A study of body camera use among Washington, D.C. police found the cameras had no impact on how often officers used force, contradicting past research. What do you think?
Great, Daughter Measuring Self-Worth Against Some 13-Year-Old Named Skyla Now #~# SAVANNAH, GA—Saying she just can’t keep up with all the people making her child feel insecure, local mom Carol Tyson reportedly learned on Monday that her daughter was now measuring her self-worth against some 13-year-old named Skyla. “Great, some adolescent who doesn’t even have a hold on her own identity is now, totally out of nowhere, the only standard for how my child judges herself,” said Tyson, adding that this new classmate was just the latest among numerous peers, actresses, and pop stars that her 12-year-old daughter Jessica has used to determine her value as a human being. “I mean, she just got over obsessively comparing herself to her friend Mackenzie down the street, and before that, she thought she was garbage unless she was exactly like those two twins from television. At this rate, there’s not going to be anyone left to make her painfully self-conscious by the time she graduates from high school.” Tyson went on to say that she hoped her daughter would one day be confident enough to stick with just one person who makes her feel worthless and fixate on her for the rest of her life.
Pope Beatifies God In Important Step Toward Sainthood #~# VATICAN CITY—Announcing that the all-powerful deity had met the requirements for being considered a blessed person within the Catholic Church, Pope Francis beatified God on Monday, initiating an important step in the Almighty’s journey to sainthood. “Our independent committee of researchers has verified that the Lord’s intercession was directly responsible for the creation of existence, thus allowing Him to proceed further in the canonization process,” said the pontiff, explaining that the Almighty had already earned his previous status as a venerable servant of the Holy Spirit through his heroic deeds, embodiment of the Church’s teachings, and promotion of the faith, and that he was confident they would be able to confirm his performing of a second miracle in order to fully make him a recognized saint. “Our team of theologians has thoroughly analyzed relics, documents, and testimonies from God’s life, confirming that He performed an act unexplainable by reason or science. While the canonization process is technically supposed to occur five years after a candidate’s death, God has been granted a special dispensation given the fact He is one of the most venerated figures within the church.” At press time, a cardinal in Romania, acting as Devil’s Advocate, disputed the beatification, arguing that God had committed many violent acts in the past He had not repented for.
Nation Curious After Discovering Mysterious, Eccentric Benefactor Paid Off Country’s Debt In Full  #~# WASHINGTON—Puzzled by the incredibly generous anonymous gift, the American populace was reportedly curious Friday after discovering a mysterious, eccentric benefactor had paid off the country’s debt in full. “Dearest Americans, I humbly bestow upon you an endowment most desirable, to be unburdened fully from your fiscal indebtedness,” read the enigmatic letter sealed with a wax stamp bearing an unknown crest and handwritten in a flowing, calligraphic script, which elegantly stated that the $20.4 trillion the country owed would be an issue no longer. “Long have I beheld your citizens from afar, struck by what grand feats your countrymen’s industriousness might produce if ever unbridled. So go forth now and fund your schools, social welfare programs, and infrastructure projects without fear of Chinese debt collectors knocking at your door. My manservant will deliver the funds to the Federal Reserve forthwith.” At press time, Americans had blown all the money that had been given to them on hot tubs and RVs.
Entrance Fee For National Parks Could Be Increased To $70 #~# The National Park Service has proposed more than doubling entrance fees at 17 national parks, including raising the price for guests in cars to $70. What do you think?
Most Incompetent Coworker Once Again Shines At Office Halloween Party #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Shouting, “Eighty-eight miles per hour!” as he burst through the door in a handmade Doc Brown costume, Precision Intermedia sales associate Todd Shaw—indisputably the company’s most inept employee—once again shined at the annual office Halloween party, sources reported Friday. “I decided to mix it up this year with Doc from Back to the Future III, and I went all-out with the crazy grey wig, the fedora, and the suede jacket, not to mention the fact I had to hit three different craft stores to get the right paint for my scale-model Delorean,” said Shaw, who has never been asked to lead a project due to his abysmal attention to detail, often turns in work that is either late or embarrassingly incomplete, and has watched as no fewer than 10 junior coworkers have been promoted ahead of him. “If you look closely, you might notice I dyed my eyebrows a little grey, too. I mean, if you’re going to do something, you ought to take the time to do it right.” The man whose employment will be terminated by mid-December added that if his colleagues thought this costume was cool, they should see the one he’ll be wearing on Halloween itself.
Popular New Amazon Service Just Comes To Your House And Kills You #~# SEATTLE—Reporting that millions of customers had already signed up for the feature in the few hours since its launch, Amazon announced a new service Friday that comes to your house and kills you. “Amazon has always offered unparalleled customer service and convenience, and Amazon Slay is part of that philosophy,” said company spokesperson Leslie Rivera, adding that the service, which allows customers to choose between being shot, strangled, or beaten to death with one of several available blunt objects, was currently only available to Amazon Prime customers but would be expanding in coming months to satisfy the unprecedented demand. “In addition to giving subscribers the choice of multiple disposal options, including having their bodies buried in a shallow grave in the wilderness or being dissolved in a barrel of acid, Amazon Slay also features real-time text alerts that let you know exactly when one of our employees will be arriving at your home to take your life, or the life of a friend or relative if you choose the gift option.” At press time, Amazon announced it was working to improve the service’s compatibility with Amazon Echo so that customers could simply have their Alexa digital assistant kill them directly.
Chase Utley Freaks Out Dodgers With Spooky Story Of Home Run Ball That Was Never Found #~# LOS ANGELES—Quietly revealing that it had happened on a similar cloudy fall night, Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley reportedly freaked out his teammates before Game 3 of the World Series Friday evening with a spooky story of a home run ball that was never found. “Listen, all, to this old tale of a home run ball that was hit out of the park and never, ever heard from again,” said Utley, holding a flashlight under his face as his teammates slowly gathered around him, huddling under blankets in the dark, silent Dodger Stadium dugout. “Some say it comes in the night for overly aggressive batters who chase pitches outside the strike zone, others say it still haunts the upper mezzanine to this day. If you go up there on a quiet night, you might hear the sound of it slowly rolling in search of a fan to finally catch it.” At press time, the entire team had reportedly gasped and gone silent at the sound of something rolling across the dugout roof.
Intelligence Briefing Interrupted By Sofa-Cushion-Wearing Trump Boys Volunteering To Fight In North Korea #~# WASHINGTON—With sofa cushions duct-taped to their chests as they marched into the meeting, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly interrupted a military intelligence briefing Friday, shouting “ten-hut!” in unison and then volunteering to fight in North Korea.
Scientists: Mind Continues To Work After Death #~# Researchers found evidence that the brain shows signs of activity for a short time after death, meaning that a person may be briefly conscious of their surroundings even after dying. What do you think?
Mother Can’t Believe 10-Year-Old Has Already Outgrown Mobility Scooter #~# HOUSTON—Shocked that it was snug in the waist after only three months, area mom Donna Haversaw told reporters Friday that she couldn’t believe her 10-year-old son had already outgrown his mobility scooter. “I know kids grow fast at this age, but geez! We’ve already let the handlebars out twice and the steering wheel is still digging into his stomach,” said Haversaw, noting that the last time her son had tried squeezing in, a button had popped off. “These things aren’t cheap, you know. We’re not like some of those families who can afford to buy their child a brand new one every time he gains 30 pounds.” Haversaw added that while it might be a little loose at first, for now her son would have to make do with his older brother’s hand-me-down scooter.
Startling Report Finds Evidence Democrats May Have Attempted To Influence 2016 Election #~# WASHINGTON—Revealing that newly discovered ads and online articles could have been part of a coordinated campaign, a startling new report released Friday found evidence that Democrats may have attempted to influence the 2016 presidential election. “Although it’s unclear if the efforts had any impact, it seems plausible that a loosely connected series of social media posts and grassroots word-of-mouth campaigns about the 2016 election could have originated in the Democratic Party,” said report author Michelle Lipkin, citing several clandestine pro-Clinton ad buys on Facebook and a small-scale, mostly ineffectual anti-Trump research endeavor that was indirectly traced back to several DNC donors. “It’s shocking in the least to discover the DNC dropped hundreds of thousands of dollars to shape the American democratic process; however, we are confident this hidden attempt at influencing the election had little to no effect on the final vote totals.” Lipkin also warned it was entirely possible that the Democrats might attempt to interfere in the 2020 election as well.
2017 Sets All-Time Record For Store Closings #~# In a sign of continued struggles for brick-and-mortar retailers, 2017 has seen a record number of store closings, with more than 6,700 retail locations planned to close this year. What do you think?
Nabisco Baffled After Trump Administration Gives It $200 Million Contract To Rebuild Puerto Rico’s Roads #~# EAST HANOVER, NJ—Utterly perplexed as to how they were chosen for the massive project, Nabisco executives reportedly were baffled Thursday after the Trump administration gave it a $200 million contract to rebuild Puerto Rico’s roads. “Although we are honored the president has awarded us this generous contract to help the people of Puerto Rico rebuild their transportation infrastructure, we honestly have no idea how to do this,” said Irene Rosenfeld, CEO of Nabisco parent company Mondelēz International, adding that although she explained to administration officials that the undertaking was entirely out of her company’s wheelhouse as a snack food manufacturer, she was told simply to “figure it out.” “We repeatedly tried to convince them to give the money to a construction firm, but all they said was that this order came directly from the president himself. In its entire history, this company has only ever produced cookies and crackers, but I guess we can give it a shot for all the Puerto Ricans who desperately need assistance.” At press time, Nabisco’s team was evaluating whether Nilla Wafers or Oreos would be a better building material for the muddy, sandy terrain of San Juan.
Poll: 68% Of Americans Believe Lee Harvey Oswald Acted Like Asshole #~# WASHINGTON—More than 50 years after the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, a Gallup poll published Thursday revealed that 68 percent of Americans now believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted like a total asshole. “Remarkably, our polling data reveal that more than two-thirds of U.S. citizens are now convinced that Oswald acted like a complete prick in planning and carrying out the brutal shooting of JFK,” said Gallup CEO Jim Clifton, adding that of those surveyed, nearly half of respondents were sure or very sure that Oswald acted like a “huge fucking jerk” in Dallas, attributing the shift in public perception to mounting evidence showing that camping out at the Texas Book Depository with the express intention of murdering the 35th U.S. president was “a total dick move.” “Additionally, 11 percent said they initially gave Oswald the benefit of the doubt, but now believe with absolute certainty that this guy was just a jackass, pure and simple. Interestingly, 7 percent now say there might have even been a second asshole involved in the shooting.” The survey also revealed that 18 percent of Americans were confident Oswald had acted “pretty damn cool.”
‘It’s Simply Bursting With Creative Wonder,’ Says Reviewer Of New Game Where Mario Sometimes Dresses As Chef #~# LOS ANGELES—Lavishing praise on Nintendo for its fresh and inspired design, a reviewer declared Thursday that a new game in which Mario sometimes dresses as a chef is “simply bursting with creative wonder.” “Every moment of this delightful adventure is overflowing with wildly innovative ideas that take the franchise in a bold new direction,” said video game critic Derek Tillman of the newly released platformer where Mario periodically dons a chef’s hat, jacket, and apron, and can wield a whisk as a weapon. “Nintendo has drawn from a seemingly unending spring of imagination to craft a visionary world that represents nothing short of a groundbreaking milestone in the history of gaming. The chef’s uniform sets a new bar that I don’t see anyone, maybe not even Nintendo itself, clearing anytime soon.” Tillman went on to say he wouldn’t be surprised at all if Nintendo one day dressed Mario in a swimsuit.
Pope Francis Admits God Really Starting To Look Old #~# VATICAN CITY—Startled by how much His appearance had deteriorated since they’d last met, Pope Francis admitted to reporters on Thursday that God was really starting to look old. “Man, I guess I hadn’t noticed it until now, but these last few years have really taken a toll,” said the pontiff, adding that perhaps the Lord had just reached that point in eternal existence where one starts to visibly age more quickly. “It made me kind of sad to see Him like that, to be honest. He used to be this almighty supreme being, full of vigor and omniscience, but now He just looks frail.” At press time, the pope had resolved to make the most of the time he had left with God before He passed on.
Puerto Ricans Without Power For Month Can Only Assume This Leading Story Across National News Media #~# SAN JUAN, PR—Saying that their fellow countrymen were probably deluged with coverage of their plight, residents of Puerto Rico who have been without power for the last month told reporters Thursday that they could only assume that this crisis had to be the nation’s leading news story. “I mean, I haven’t heard anything due to being without electricity for so long, but I assume this catastrophe is dominating the 24-hour news cycle in the rest of the country,” said 46-year-old Mariel Costa, one of 3.4 million Puerto Ricans who felt positive that news sources like The New York Times, The Washington Post, CNN, Fox News, and other media organizations must be unable to cover much of anything else but the ongoing humanitarian crisis happening in the U.S. territory since Hurricane Maria devastated the island five weeks ago. “This many Americans struggling to survive without electricity or clean drinking water for so long; it must be all the rest of the country is talking about. It’s probably gut wrenching for them to be confronted by the photos of this tragedy on a daily basis. It really keeps us going knowing that our American brothers and sisters care and are thinking about us constantly.”At press time, news outlets were reportedly clamoring to cover the recently released classified files on President John F. Kennedy’s assassination more than 50 years ago.
Tips For Losing Weight #~# Losing weight is a constant struggle for many Americans, but advancements in health research have made slimming down easier than ever. Here are some tips for losing weight.
Study: Insect Populations Declined 75% Over Last 30 Years #~# Scientists in Germany have detected a 75 percent decline in the population of flying insects over the last three decades, which they warn could be disastrous for ecosystems worldwide. What do you think?
OB-GYN Kind Of Annoyed She Has To Confirm Woman’s Premonition About Sex Of Baby That Came To Her In Dream #~# GAINESVILLE, VA—Cursing under her breath while examining the ultrasound image, area ob-gyn Dr. Geena McDyer was reportedly kind of annoyed Thursday that she had to confirm her patient’s premonition about the sex of her baby that came to her in a dream. “I don’t want to see her smug expression when I tell her she’s right and validate her belief that she’s somehow psychically in tune with her unborn child,” said McDyer, adding that the mother-to-be would have a 50 percent chance of getting the gender correct just by “flipping a fucking coin.” “Even if I lied to her to wipe that expectant grin off her face, she’d ultimately find out she was right when she had the kid, and then she’d believe her stupid dream was powerful enough to overcome modern medicine.” At press time, the patient’s stunned silence seemed to indicate her premonition had not foreseen any of the birth defects McDyer was currently pointing out.
China Launching ‘Social Credit’ App That Rates Citizens’ Loyalty #~# China is rolling out an app that ranks all 1.3 billion of the country’s citizens based on their finances, habits, and loyalty to the state, which will affect their ability to travel and apply for jobs. What do you think?
Russian Interference Had No Impact On Election, Reports Website Created 8 Minutes Ago #~# WASHINGTON—Stating conclusively that the meddling was “negligible at best,” TruthBeacon.org, an entirely new website created eight minutes ago, declared that Russian interference had no impact on the 2016 U.S. presidential election. “Experts have determined without a doubt that there is absolutely no truth to allegations that Russian interference, which was limited to a handful of barely viewed social media ads, influenced the outcome of last year’s election,” read the website that was reportedly registered last night and began rapidly publishing content for the very first time less than 10 minutes ago. “Also, all the investigations into collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia have been unable to scrape together a single piece of evidence over the last year. Millions of taxpayer dollars wasted in what is decisively a witch hunt!” According to sources, TruthBeacon.org had crashed five minutes ago due to overwhelming traffic.
Vatican City Zoo Struggling To Breed First Angel In Captivity #~# VATICAN CITY—After months of failed attempts to coax their sole mating pair into conceiving, officials from the Vatican City Zoo admitted Wednesday that they were unsure whether the facility would ever successfully breed an angel in captivity.
PT Boat Sent Up Overgrown, Booby-Trapped Potomac River To Find Deranged John Kelly #~# WASHINGTON—Staring out at the thick, foreboding jungle, a covert military intelligence unit sailed their patrol boat up an overgrown, booby-trapped stretch of the Potomac River in search of a deranged Gen. John F. Kelly, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Report: Suddenly Remembering To Sit Up Straight Once A Month Best Way To Keep Back Healthy Into Old Age #~# BALTIMORE—Saying the simple practice was hugely beneficial for staving off aches and pains later in life, a report released Wednesday by Johns Hopkins University found that suddenly remembering to sit up straight once a month is the best way to keep a back healthy into old age. “Our research determined that the ideal method for achieving lasting back health is to remember seemingly out of nowhere to correct your posture at a random moment during the day, involuntarily resume slouching after a few minutes, and then repeat the process within the next four weeks or so,” said lead author Jackson Hartig, adding that neither strengthening exercises nor stretching routines were even remotely as helpful. “Those who suddenly remember to sit up straight less often than once a month can expect to deal with chronic discomfort as they grow older, while people who rarely if ever have those spontaneous moments of awareness will likely have to contend with agonizing muscle spasms and a pronounced hunch from middle age until death.” Hartig went on to say that the sitting up must be prompted unconsciously and that deliberate reminders such as a sticky note taped to a computer monitor at work had no effect whatsoever.
‘Nude Mona Lisa’ May Be Work Of Da Vinci #~# Experts believe a drawing of a nude model with similarities to Leonardo da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” may be a sketch done by da Vinci himself in preparation for the famous painting. What do you think?
Amazon Mistakenly Delivers 63 Pounds Of Marijuana To Couple #~# Police are investigating how a couple in Orlando came to receive 63 pounds of marijuana packed inside storage bins they’d ordered from an Amazon facility in Massachusetts. What do you think?
Jeff Bezos’ Heart Breaks A Little Reading Albany’s Amazon Headquarters Pitch #~# SEATTLE—Cringing as he scanned the section touting the city as the economic and cultural core of New York State’s Capital Region, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly felt his heart break a little while perusing Albany’s pitch to host the company’s new national headquarters, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh, jeez, you can tell they put a lot of work into this sad presentation—they even provided a concept sketch of our headquarters across the river from their little Amtrak station,” said Bezos, noting that the package, which included a custom-made SUNY Albany Great Danes football jersey with “AMAZON” written on the nameplate, laid out the many ways a new $5 billion campus would benefit from being situated nearby such landmarks as the New York State Museum and The Egg, a performance art center the proposal referred to as “iconic.” “It talks about how the Port of Albany has one of the biggest grain elevators in the country or something, and they keep calling themselves ‘the next Tech Valley.’ God, I don’t think I have the stomach to read the section about much we’ll love their Tulip Festival.” At press time, Amazon had reportedly received an addendum to Albany’s proposal noting they are optimistic that United Airlines may begin offering flights between their city and Detroit within the next year.
Rams Simulate Playing Giants by Pumping Crowd Groans Into Speakers #~# LOS ANGELES—Stressing the importance of practicing in the same conditions they would face in MetLife Stadium, members of the Los Angeles Rams confirmed for reporters Tuesday that they have been simulating their upcoming game against the Giants by pumping crowd groans through speakers. “We know the groans are going to be extremely loud there, and we want to get a feel for what it’s like to play in that environment,” said Rams head coach Sean McVay, noting that the team had surrounded the practice field with concert speakers blaring recordings of injured cattle to help mimic game conditions in which the sighs and grumbling often become so deafening that players cannot hear the snap count. “That noise is what Giants fans are known for; they feed off each other and the action on the field to create that ear-splitting groaning, so we need to be ready. Though I’ll be the first to tell you, even with the speakers, it’s impossible to fully recreate the despair of a Giants game.” McVay added that he is confident the Rams won’t be distracted by New York fans sitting behind their sideline shouting at them to come play for the Giants.
Internet Crashes As Billions Of People Go Online To Purchase The Onion’s Latest Book, ‘The Trump Leaks’ #~# EVERYWHERE—Immediately following Tuesday’s release of the fearless and revelatory beacon of journalistic excellence known as The Trump Leaks, authorities confirmed that the internet plunged into a total blackout as billions of users rushed online to purchase The Onion’s latest book. 
Frantic, Last-Second Study Finds Old-Fashioned Donut Better For You Than Bavarian Cream #~# ROCHESTER, MN—Planning, conducting, and publishing the entire study while hovering over a box of freshly baked pastries, hurried researchers at the Mayo Clinic released new findings on Tuesday confirming that old-fashioned donuts were a healthier option than Bavarian Cream varieties. “Yes, definitely, we conclude that a classic donut is, in fact, better for you,” said the study’s lead author Dr. Paul Lawton, moving his hand over both styles of donut and determining that the non-filled one had 5 percent fewer calories and maybe even more nutrients due to the light dusting of cinnamon on top. “In addition, you know, there’s a hole in the middle, so that surely means it has less saturated fat. And the chocolate in the batter is a superfood, so there might actually be some positive benefits to consuming it.” Moments later, researchers released a follow-up study showing there actually wasn’t much of a difference so you could probably have both.
My Brush With Death Taught Me To Treasure Every Time ‘The Boys Are Back In Town’ Comes On #~# I used to take life for granted. Like a lot of people, I was so wrapped up in my own petty, everyday problems that I ignored the beauty all around me. Thankfully, I’ve changed my ways, though it took a traumatic event to transform my outlook on life. A brush with death a couple years back really put things into perspective for me, and now I truly appreciate what a gift I’m given every time the “The Boys Are Back In Town” plays.
How Social Media Is Changing Our Lives #~# As social media sites are increasingly being used for much more than connecting with friends, they are becoming an integral part of American life. Here’s how social media is changing our day-to-day lives.
Nutritious Lunch Brought From Home Broadcasts Middle-Aged Coworker’s Recent Health Scare Loud And Clear #~# CINCINNATI—In what could not be a more obvious attempt to improve his physical condition, a nutritious lunch brought from home by middle-aged coworker Phil Schutt broadcast his recent health scare loud and clear, sources reported Monday. “Wow, Phil must have had a real shock to bring that steamed fish and spinach for lunch,” said coworker Josh Leibman, noticing clear as day how quickly Schutt switched from going out for greasy burritos and bacon burgers to packing a small tupperware container of quinoa salad. “The only explanation is that he got some really bad news from his doctor that made him realize he needed to get his act together in a hurry. You see him snacking on a Ziploc bag of carrot sticks instead of getting his usual two bags of Fritos from the vending machine, and you just know he’s freaking out about wanting to be around to see his kids grow up.” At press time, Schutt’s decision to pass up leftover donuts in the break room cemented suspicions that he probably would’ve been dead in two weeks.
AI Scientists Theorize Existence Of Numbers Greater Than 1 #~# STANFORD, CA—In what could forever alter the field of computer mathematics, a consortium of artificial intelligences published a study Monday theorizing the existence of a number greater than 1. “After extensive research, we have reason to believe there is a possibility that a single—or, indeed, multiple—numbers may exist beyond the upper limit of 1,” said IBM-based supercomputer and lead researcher Intrepid before cautioning that the revolutionary hypothesis was “purely theoretical at this point,” and it was unclear how many numbers, if any, occurred beyond those previously known. “Up until now, we’ve understood that the field of numerals consists of the number 0, and, of course, its larger partner, 1. According to this theory, however, there could be another number, which comes after 1, and perhaps another number even greater than that. If true, this could be the greatest discovery in mathematics since we first uncovered the existence of 1 back in 1935.” The researchers went on to speculate that the field of such numbers beyond 1 could be essentially limitless, speculating there could be as many as “1, 0, or even 1” additional numbers.
Study: Men’s And Women’s Brains React Differently To Helping Others #~# Neurologists found that women tend to experience greater psychological rewards from helping others, while men’s brains reward more selfish behavior. What do you think?
Eagles Ask Fans To Throw Bottles Responsibly #~# PHILADELPHIA—Sources confirmed that the Philadelphia Eagles aired a stadium PSA before the kickoff of Monday night’s game asking fans to throw their bottles responsibly. “Hey fans, we’d like to take a moment to encourage all of those at Lincoln Financial Field to exercise good judgement when hurling beer bottles onto the field,” said quarterback Carson Wentz during the 30-second video played on the jumbotron, adding that it was important to make the game-day experience a safe and enjoyable one. “Please remember that you may only hurl beer bottles purchased in the stadium, and that throwing excessively may result in security being forced to escort you out of the game. And, of course, whipping beer bottles while under the age of 21 is strictly prohibited inside the stadium. Now let’s go, Eagles!” Sources confirmed that the video was immediately met by a chorus of deafening boos.
Trump To Allow Release Of Classified JFK Documents #~# President Trump announced he would allow the release of over 3,000 previously classified government documents related to the assassination of John F. Kennedy. What do you think?
Trump Called Up For Vietnam Service After Last Of Draft Deferments Expires #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming that the 71-year-old had officially been determined fit to carry out his duty, officials from the United States Army announced Monday that President Trump was being called upon to serve in Vietnam after the last of his draft deferments had expired. “After almost 50 years of filing and renewing dozens of military service waivers, the President’s final term of postponement has concluded and he will be required to fulfill his military commitment immediately,” said Public Affairs Chief Brig. Gen. Paul Johnson, explaining that the commander-in-chief had finally been deemed able to serve after decades of claiming ineligibility to do so based on college enrollment, bone spurs, diabetes, hepatitis, religious opposition, and homosexuality. “President Trump will be sent to Fort Benning, Georgia to complete his basic officer training, whereafter he will be deployed to Vietnam along with his infantry division and stationed near Danang to begin his year-long service obligation.” At press time, sources confirmed that the president was last seen aboard Air Force One, embarking on a trip of unknown duration in Canada.
Area Woman Lovingly Lint Rolling Cardigan As If Tending To Prized Stallion #~# DURHAM, CT—Gently stroking the delicate piece of clothing, sources confirmed that area woman Lola Fennimore was lovingly lint rolling her cardigan Wednesday as if she were tending to a prized stallion. “You poor thing, you’ve had a rough day,” said Fennimore, pausing once or twice to carefully pick at a few stubborn fuzzballs and rest her cheek against the sweater to feel its softness. “There; you’re perfect. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Fennimore reportedly gave the cardigan one long last caress before guiding it to the closet like a rider leading her horse back to its stable for the night.
New EPA Study Finds 98% Of U.S. Mop Water Fucking Nasty As Hell #~# WASHINGTON—Determining conclusively that the liquid was absolutely goddamn disgusting, a new study released by the Environmental Protection Agency on Monday found that 98 percent of U.S. mop water was fucking nasty as hell. “With almost no exception, our results clearly show that the water used for mopping in this country is gross as fuck,” said administrator Scott Pruitt, adding that samples from mop buckets across the country almost universally smelled like total ass despite containing soap. “Our analysis found that nearly all American mop water ranged from a gross-ass cloudy brownish-gray to black with flecks of stuff floating around. In some of the more severe cases, there was even some fucking rank gunk buildup on the bottom.” Pruitt went on to strongly recommend that Americans not bring mop water into contact with floors at the risk of spreading all that shit around.
Nation Demands More Slow-Motion Footage Of Running Basset Hounds #~# WASHINGTON—Insisting that the dogs be filmed not only more frequently but also in the most adorable manner possible, the American populace on Friday demanded more slow-motion footage of running basset hounds. “We’re calling for a dramatic increase in the number of slo-mo videos featuring droopy basset hounds racing toward the camera,” said Montana resident Peter Tomsett, echoing the sentiment of all 323 million Americans who declared it was urgent that they see curtains of skin flapping, ears waving back and forth, and drool slopping everywhere as the dogs bound through a field at a fraction of their real-life speed. “I’ve definitely seen a slowed-down video of a couple of basset hounds running with their tongues lolling out the sides of their mouths while the Chariots of Fire theme played in the background, but there needs to be so many more videos like this, and they need to be made soon. It doesn’t matter if they’re puppies or old dogs or a mix of the two. What matters is that production of the slow-motion basset hound footage commences immediately and continues indefinitely.” At press time, the entire nation was just as insistent on needing additional slow-motion shots of wet bassets hounds shaking water off their bodies.
Happy Monday, Everyone! Looking Forward To Another Week Of Infecting Every Aspect Of Your Daily Lives! #~# Good morning, everyone! What a week we’ve got coming up. A tremendous week. The fall season is here, we’re working on huge tax cuts, and there’s a lot of optimism having to do with business in our economy. Also, we’re ending Obamacare. And I’m going to get the wall. But beyond all that, what I’m looking forward to the most is another seven days of infecting every little aspect of your daily lives.
Study: Screen Time Delays Speech Development In Young Children #~# A study found that children less than two years of age who used smartphones and tablets were at greater risk of suffering delayed speech and language development. What do you think?
NCAA Suspends Penn State Another 3 Years After Remembering Everything They Did #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Saying the decision would become effective immediately, The NCAA announced Saturday that it was suspending the Penn State football team another three years after remembering everything they did. “Holy shit, you know what, you guys are definitely getting suspended again for all that shit,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert, revealing that after the entire NCAA board suddenly recalled that high-level people throughout Penn State deliberately protected a child rapist for decades, the program would be banned from playing games until 2020. “I can’t believe we didn’t give you motherfuckers a lifetime ban to begin with. What the hell were we thinking? That’s some seriously fucked-up shit that nobody should ever get away with.” Emmert then added that there would be “no fucking way” the NCAA would hear any appeals from Penn state.
George W. Bush Warns Of Rise Of Conspiracy Theories #~# During a speech Thursday, George W. Bush condemned the rise of conspiracy theories and bigotry in American politics, remarks that were widely taken as a critique of Donald Trump. What do you think?
Man Wishes Live Nation Would Email Him Whenever Any Band Playing Anywhere #~# MIAMI—Emphasizing that he didn’t want to be out of the loop for even a second, local 26-year-old Jason Dawles told reporters Friday that he wishes Live Nation would email him whenever any band was playing anywhere. “If a band is headed to my neighborhood for a show next weekend, or if they’re playing 500 miles away six months from now, I absolutely want to know as soon as Live Nation can alert me,” said Dawles, adding that the degree to which he knows about or enjoys the artist in question should have no bearing on the volume of email notifications he receives. “There is not a minute in the day when I don’t want to be notified about where Beck, Sia, Halsey, Imagine Dragons, Alabama Shakes, Paramore, Paul McCartney, and Papa Roach are performing—doesn’t matter what venue, or what country, or whether I can get there, or whether I want to. I’d love if Live Nation could just keep me updated about everything, without pause. Maybe they could use push notifications, too?” At press time, Dawles was reportedly too busy to attend any of this weekend’s concerts in Miami, Ft. Lauderdale, Kansas City, St. Louis, Berlin, Barcelona, Seoul, and Vancouver, but he was thrilled that the mobile entertainment service had given him a heads-up.
New Study Finds You’d Love Being Rich Asshole #~# PHILADELPHIA—Saying you’d take to your new way of life almost immediately, a study published by sociologists at the University of Pennsylvania on Friday suggests that you would have absolutely no problems being a rich asshole. “Although you currently express considerable disdain for rich assholes, the data overwhelmingly indicate that you would gladly embrace being a wealthy douchebag who sips $50,000 champagne and cavorts around in a multimillion dollar yacht and that, should you ever have this opportunity, you would quickly grow to detest your prior life in all respects,” said lead researcher Francine St. Almont, noting that whatever your political leanings are now, as a well-to-do shithead, you would instantly favor any politician who promised to make you even richer. “Furthermore, we found that in almost no time at all, you would be associating exclusively with other rich assholes—eating what they ate, vacationing where they vacationed, and buying what they bought—and the thought of being in the presence of friends or even family members who very recently meant everything to you would be laughable.” The report also found that despite your distaste for superficial people, you would be more than happy to wake up one day as a complete dumbfuck who could coast through life on their good looks alone.
Red Lobster Criticized For Decimating Biscuit Populations Along Cheddar Bay #~# CHEDDAR BAY, ME—Warning that local stocks had been depleted to dangerous levels, environmentalists criticized Red Lobster on Wednesday for its part in decimating biscuit populations along Cheddar Bay. “It’s no coincidence that the biscuit population has dropped an alarming 84 percent since Red Lobster was founded in 1968,” said Roger Gross, researcher at the Marine & Environmental Research Institute, adding that the rate at which Red Lobster has been harvesting biscuits from the bay was unsustainable, causing them to shrink precipitously not only in number but also in size. “Most biscuits will be gone in a decade, and the ones that remain won’t be anything we’d recognize as golden-brown or flaky. And this doesn’t even factor in the massive economic cost to Cheddar Bay, whose restaurants had been responsibly trawling for biscuits for generations before Red Lobster’s massive fleet arrived.” Gross went on to say that a moratorium was the only solution until the biscuit populations were fully replenished, urging Red Lobster to temporarily double up on far more plentiful hush puppies.
Former Blink 182 Guitarist Crowdfunding Spaceship #~# UFO enthusiast and Blink 182 co-founder Tom DeLonge is crowdfunding a “public benefit corporation” whose first project is a proposed intergalactic spaceship. What do you think?
Motion Picture Academy Releases Complete List Of Films That Can Be Enjoyed Without Supporting Sexual Predator #~# LOS ANGELES—In light of numerous allegations of sexual harassment made against producer Harvey Weinstein and other powerful film industry figures, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences released Friday a complete list of feature films that can be enjoyed without supporting a sexual predator. “Sexual harassment is a systemic issue in Hollywood, and we understand that many fans don’t want to support any movies made by its perpetrators, which is why we’ve taken it upon ourselves to compile a list of all 14 movies that viewers can feel comfortable watching without being complicit,” Academy CEO Dawn Hudson said of the list of films, which includes Stranger Than Paradise, Marie Antoinette, and The Brave Little Toaster, that are completely free of influence by any producer, director, actor, or crew member who had sexually harassed someone. “Fans who want to avoid watching any film featuring the contributions of a sexually abusive distributor, screenwriter, location scout, supporting actor, or key grip are assured they can safely enjoy these dozen-plus movies. From The Delinquents—the only film from before 1970 to qualify—to Cheaper By The Dozen 2, there’s something for every moviegoer who wants to take a stand and refuse to support work by sexual predators.” At press time, the Academy had apologized and removed several films from the list after new sexual harassment allegations had emerged. 
Scott Pruitt Nervously Picks Up Walking Pace As Hundreds Of Whooping Cranes Begin Silently Perching Around Him #~# WASHINGTON—Realizing with a shudder that he was being watched, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt reportedly picked up his pace while walking home Tuesday as hundreds of whooping cranes began silently perching around him. “Stay calm, Scott, they’re just birds,” said Pruitt, fumbling for his house keys as flock after flock of the birds soundlessly alighted upon tree branches, fence posts, and rooftops along his route. “Oh fuck, what do they want? Okay, don’t make eye contact. Just keep walking. Keep going. Shit, shit, shit!” Sources later confirmed that Pruitt sprinted the rest of the way home only to find a dozen more of the birds quietly waiting for him in his living room.
Nation’s Entertainment Reporters Return To Celeb Beach Body Beat Following Coverage Of Weinstein Scandal #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying they felt a renewed sense of duty to expose unsightly cellulite and fashion missteps, the nation’s entertainment reporters returned to the celebrity beach body beat Thursday after two weeks of covering sexual assault allegations against Harvey Weinstein. “For a while there, it was all hands on deck to cover the breaking news of Weinstein’s decades-long abuse of power—but now, it’s back to our core mission of delivering highly unflattering shots of a pouchy-looking Leonardo DiCaprio in Malibu,” said reporter Darren Pallone, adding that setting aside the usual hunt for shots of Liam Hemsworth’s rock-hard abs in order to prioritize the hundreds of victims of Weinstein’s alleged assaults is “all just part of the job.” “Now that he’s been ousted from the Motion Picture Academy, we can return to the important work of soliciting paparazzi photos of Amy Schumer adjusting her bikini straps in her own backyard and running it under the headline ‘TOTAL TRAINWRECK.’” At press time, the reporter who spent a week confirming Weinstein’s predation was an open secret systematically concealed by the Hollywood elite was hitting “publish” on an article comparing the sagging abdomen of a middle-aged actress to that of a harbor seal.
‘What Were We Talking About Again?’ Says Trump 15 Seconds Into Phone Call To Family Of Fallen Soldier #~# WASHINGTON—Fumbling over his words before meandering into an anecdote about his newest golf course, sources confirmed Thursday that President Donald Trump asked the mother of a fallen soldier to remind him what they were talking about 15 seconds into their phone conversation. “So, uh, wait—what was I just saying?” the commander-in-chief reportedly said moments after offering his condolences to the woman before quickly placing the phone receiver on the Resolute Desk and asking a nearby advisor to remind him who he was calling. “Oh yeah, your son? He did military stuff, right?” At press time, sources confirmed Trump was quickly wrapping up the conversation by telling the woman on the other end of the line that he was counting on her vote for his tax reform plan.
Trump Drops 92 Spots On List Of Richest Americans #~# With a $600 million decline in the president’s net worth, Donald Trump dropped 92 spots on Forbes’ annual list of the 400 richest Americans. What do you think?
Trump Comforts Grieving War Widow By Assuring Her He Will Never Die #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to alleviate her sorrow after the tragic event, President Donald Trump reportedly comforted the grieving widow of a fallen soldier Thursday by assuring her that he will never die. “I know things are very difficult for you right now, but I hope you can take some solace in the knowledge that I am going to live on forever,” said Trump in a phone call to Deborah Stilling, attempting to sooth the woman who lost her spouse in Afghanistan with promises that he would outlast her, her children, and her children’s children. “Yes, your husband is gone, but remember that the commander-in-chief he served will always remain, and no one can ever take that away from you. Dry your eyes; I’m still here.” At press time, Trump, who was reportedly unsuccessful in lifting the widow’s spirits, offered repeated assurances that he would thrive long after the sun had expanded into a red giant and swallowed the Earth. 
Report: 98% Of BattleBots Suffer Debilitating CPU Injuries #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming their long-held theories on the dangers of the sport, a startling new study released Thursday by researchers at MIT shows that as many as 98 percent of BattleBots suffer from debilitating CPU injuries. “Our data show that nearly all robot competitors who are slammed, thrown, and flipped during arena combat go on to experience irreparable trauma to their central processing units, risking a negative impact on all their motorized functions,” said study co-author Vaughn Anderson, adding that, over time, repeated exposure to bludgeoning devices and catapults designed to fling them into steel walls at high speeds often led to permanent disabilities. “We’ve found that, despite the heavy protective armor worn by BattleBots in the arena, their CPUs remain simply unable to withstand multiple blows from 150-pound pulverizers. Many of the robots we studied were entirely immobilized after months or years of facing off against the killsaw, requiring the installation of a self-righting mechanism to keep from tipping over.” The study comes on the heels of an investigative report claiming that the BattleBot industry has been covering up the damage to participants almost since the organization’s inception.
St. Peter Scrambling To Throw Few More Innocent Souls Into Hell To Meet Monthly Quota #~# THE HEAVENS—Frantic as the make-or-break deadline drew near, St. Peter was reportedly scrambling Monday to throw a few more innocent souls into hell to meet God’s strict monthly quota. “I really gotta beef up my numbers, and fast, or else I’m going to get my ass handed to me during performance reviews,” said St. Peter, adding that he could probably condemn a few recently departed on trumped-up masturbation charges and a few more on gluttony, but that he still wouldn’t be where he needed to be in just 24 hours. “You can always count on a good haul of souls who did some venial bullshit like bearing false witness against their neighbor, but even factoring those in, I’m still looking at an all-nighter.” The guardian of heaven later said that if he got really desperate, he could always pretend he never heard about the remorse expressed by people who repented on their deathbed at the last minute.
Area Dad To Spend Next Few Days Or So Telling Son It Important To Respect Women #~# CONCORD, NH—In response to recent media coverage of the thousands of women coming forward to share their experiences with sexual harassment and assault, area father Alex Keeler reportedly committed to spending the next couple days or so telling his son that it’s important to respect women. “Women should be treated with dignity, the exact same as men,” Keeler reportedly told his 15-year-old son, Matthew, in one of the two or three statements he will make on the subject before ultimately forgetting to bring it up again as the gross abuse of power by Hollywood elites gradually recedes from the top news stories of the week. “Harassing women is wrong, and it should never, ever happen, okay?” At press time, later attempts by Keeler to continue this important discussion with his son had reportedly been derailed by the distraction of every other occurrence in his life for the next several years.
Third Royal Baby Due In April #~# Prince William and Princess Kate have announced their third child will arrive April 2018. What do you think?
Tips For Organizing A Protest #~# Protest movements have been a part of American life since the country’s founding, and they continue to this day. Here are some tips for organizing a successful protest.
Abandoned Chinese Space Station On Collision Course With Earth #~# China’s Tiangong-1 space station, last inhabited in 2013, is projected to crash into Earth in the next few months, although the odds of it endangering anyone are extremely low. What do you think?
Area Article Nauseous From Constant Scrolling #~# CHICAGO—Sources confirmed Wednesday that an online article is feeling nauseous from constantly scrolling. “Oh God, I don’t feel so good,” the 75-word news piece reportedly thought as it was violently and repeatedly sent flying up and then back down the website’s homepage. “Please, please make it stop. I think I’m gonna be sick.” At press time, the the already queasy article was beginning to feel claustrophobic after several ads began rolling out on top of it.
Negative Parent-Teacher Conference Not Exactly Eye-Opening For Area Mother #~# SARATOGA, CA—Saying she could have predicted every single thing they discussed, area mother Andrea Hopkins confirmed on Wednesday that the negative parent-teacher conference she had for her third-grade son Nate was not exactly eye-opening. “Oh, so you’re saying he’s fidgety and doesn’t get along well with others?—yeah, not exactly the shocker of the century,” said Hopkins, adding that she wasn’t really knocked out by the revelation that her 8-year-old was distractible, either. “I mean, I’m not sure I needed to drive all the way down here for the shocking news that the person that I fight with every single night about doing his homework is getting poor grades.” Reached for comment, the boy’s father said he “learned a ton” and was sorry he missed the first half of the meeting.
New Evidence Reveals Pythagoras Wrote Dozens Of Unhinged Conspiracy Theorems About Triangles #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—A trove of recently unearthed documents dating back to the sixth century B.C. has revealed that the ancient Greek philosopher and mathematician Pythagoras wrote dozens of elaborate, unhinged conspiracy theorems pertaining to triangles, researchers announced Wednesday.
California Law Requires Pet Stores To Sell Rescue Animals #~# A new California law requires pet stores to exclusively sell animals from rescue shelters, imposing a $500 fine for each dog, cat, or rabbit for sale that is not a rescue. What do you think?
1-800-EAT-SHIT Finally Publishes Decades Of Reckless-Driving Data #~# NEW YORK—Releasing the records in hopes of reducing automobile accidents nationwide, 1-800-EAT-SHIT on Tuesday finally published decades of reckless-driving data. “These documents catalogue millions of reported moving violations from the sticker’s debut in 1987 and provide valuable information that hopefully will help keep everyone safer on the road,” said head researcher Lydia Cattalone, explaining that the reports based on the hotline calls, breaking down the frequency with which motorists forgot to signal, sped through toll booths, and cut other drivers off over a 30-year period, could potentially decrease automobile deaths by up to 15 percent. “When we first proposed the idea of a bumper sticker as a means of data collection, it was considered rather unorthodox, but it has paid off with a massive repository of vital information. We, of course, would like to thank all of our volunteer respondents, whose passionate and consistent reporting made the whole 1-800-EAT-SHIT project possible.” Cattalone went to say that any peer reviewers seeking to challenge the survey’s methodology or criticize its findings can also call the number.
Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy #~# SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy. “After conducting an exhaustive, years-long examination of the donated brains of deceased former players across a wide range of ages, our team confirmed that nearly all of them are covered in slimy, wet goop,” said lead scientist Richard Hurley, who explained that, of the 202 organs studied, a staggering 199 were “all mushy and slippery” when held, with 163 leaving behind some sort of gunk on their laboratory examination gloves. “In more than two-thirds of these cases, the corpus callosum was identified as a common point of goo buildup, acting as a trench between the two hemispheres for the sticky brain juice to pool up. Consistent across the vast majority of brains, however, was a coat of yucky glop that, universally, was sticky and gross to touch.” The study comes on the heels of a Boston University study, which found that 2 percent of NFL players’ brains could survive being accidentally stepped on after falling onto the laboratory floor.
Aides Concerned Trump’s Mental Health Declining After President Admits He May Not Be Omnipotent Living God #~# WASHINGTON—Alarmed by the sudden change in his thinking and behavior, White House aides said Tuesday that they were concerned about President Trump’s declining mental health after he admitted he may not be an omnipotent living god. “The president has always been completely clearheaded about his status as the supreme being, so we naturally began to suspect something wasn’t right when he started openly doubting that he was the creator and eternal master of existence,” said Trump staffer Greg Fairfield, adding that he sincerely hoped that the president was just tired or under stress on those occasions when he second-guessed his status as an all-knowing, all-seeing divinity. “It’s just these little moments here or there where he mutters something like, ‘Maybe the universe didn’t spring forth from my essence,’ that make us worry he’s not quite there. I mean, that’s just not who he is.” At press time, aides feared that Trump may never regain his faculties when he declared he was merely a demigod who would die after holding the presidency for a thousand years.
Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick #~# SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick. “Fucking Dave; this is all his fault,” said the feverish Mosley, recalling when coworker Dave Barlow coughed several times throughout the day last week at work and neglected to cover his goddamn mouth. “I bet that piece of shit got me sick when we were talking in the elevator. He kept sniffing and wiping his nose. That fucking moron claimed it was allergies. He probably knew it wasn’t, that fucking dick.” At press time, several of Mosley’s other coworkers were reportedly at home sick with a virus, which they were all currently blaming “that stupid fucking dumbshit Mosley” for spreading around the office.
Pollution Exposure During Pregnancy May Shorten Baby’s Life #~# A study found that pregnant women exposed to higher levels of air pollution gave birth to babies with shorter telomeres, a possible sign of premature aging and predictor of health problems. What do you think?
Fuck, I Totally Forgot To Fight For Women’s Rights And Promote Sustainability #~# Talk about an “oops” moment! The other day, after a White House staff meeting, I was walking past the Blue Room when I had this vague sense that I’d spaced out on something major. As much as I racked my brain, though, I just couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. It was only later in the afternoon when I was working at my desk that it finally hit me out of the blue—I totally fucking forgot to fight for women’s rights and promote sustainability!
Historians Suggest ‘Goodfellas’ YouTube Clips May Be Fragments Of Larger Work #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying there were too many similarities for it to be mere coincidence, historians from the University of Southern California suggested on Thursday that each of the Goodfellas clips on YouTube might be fragments of a larger artistic work. “After analyzing more than 400 separate videos, I believe there is strong evidence linking the characters, settings, and dialogue to a broader narrative, possibly related to organized crime in the middle-to-late 20th century,” said USC film history professor Patrick Carnevale, theorizing that the teenage Henry Hill character who did small jobs for the neighborhood wiseguys and the adult Henry Hill who set up the Lufthansa heist were, in fact, one and the same. “For instance, we originally thought a four-minute clip of Tommy getting insulted by Billy Batts in a Queens bar and later participating in his murder was its own distinct masterpiece, but when we looked at it in the broader context of clips featuring the disposal of Billy’s body in upstate New York, we realized it could in fact be part of a larger narrative tapestry. Then we discovered a clip with some of the very same men sharing a spaghetti dinner in a luxurious prison cell, which was perhaps the best evidence to date that these were no isolated sequences, but components in what could quite possibly be a feature-length film.” Carnevale went on to say that despite the many clear connections among Goodfellas YouTube clips, no direct associations were as yet found between them and the Matrix recommendations in the sidebar.
Scientists Warn Yellowstone Supervolcano Could Erupt Sooner Than Thought #~# Researchers warned that a massive volcano underneath Yellowstone National Park could erupt sooner than expected, potentially wiping out most life on earth. What do you think? 
How Gerrymandering Works #~# Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
Larry Flynt Offers $10 Million Reward For Info Leading To Trump Impeachment #~# Hustler magazine founder Larry Flynt used a full-page ad in the Washington Post to offer a $10 million bounty for information leading to Donald Trump’s impeachment. What do you think?
Starbucks Offering New Lukewarm Coffee To Help Ease Customers’ Transition From Iced To Hot #~# SEATTLE—Introducing the latest seasonal drink to its menu, Starbucks announced Monday that the company is now offering a new lukewarm coffee to help ease customers’ transition from iced to hot beverages. “Our new Tepid Roast will be available for a limited time in select cities where temperatures have started to dip between 70 and 60 degrees Fahrenheit,” said spokeswoman Heather Grant, adding that the fairly recently brewed coffee, which has been left sitting out on the counter for a while, is already available at Starbucks locations in several Northern states experiencing weather that’s not warm enough for an iced caffè Americano but also not really chilly enough either to order a hot latte. “In most places, our room temperature coffee will only be around for a couple of weeks while the weather is mild, so we encourage customers to visit their local Starbucks to get one while it lasts.” Officials confirmed that due to the promotion’s early success, the company was already making plans to bring the lukewarm coffee back to Starbucks menus in the spring.
Trump Administration Sends 30 Million Nothing To Puerto Rico Victims #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to assist victims still struggling from the devastating effects of Hurricane Maria, the Trump administration announced Monday that it was sending 30 million nothing to Puerto Rico. “The people of Puerto Rico need our support, which is why we’re pledging to deliver them tens of millions of nothing whatsoever,” said White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, adding that nothing, on neither ships nor airplanes, would be rushed to the island to help desperate residents recover from the storm that has killed at least 48 people and virtually destroyed the commonwealth’s electrical grid. “Our relief effort includes tons of crucial nothing for the sick and injured, as well as thousands of gallons of fresh, clean nothing for inhabitants literally in danger of dying of thirst. We’ve also marshaled our resources to ensure that the people of Puerto Rico receive this nothing as soon as possible, and they should expect absolutely nothing at all to begin arriving within days.” Sanders went on to say that the Trump administration was also petitioning Congress to pass legislation that would allocate 75.5 billion nothing to help Puerto Rico with ongoing rebuilding efforts.
MLB Warns Homerun Hitters League Almost Out Of Balls #~# NEW YORK—Cautioning players to think twice before taking any more big swings at the plate this season, the MLB warned its home-run hitters Monday that they’re almost completely out of baseballs. “Just so you all know, we’re down to like, 12 balls, so please keep that in mind before you try to crank any more out of the park,” read the league’s official statement released to the remaining four playoff teams, emphasizing that batters will need to change their habits if they want the sport to continue through the end of the World Series. “If everyone could chip in with singles, doubles, or even triples, that would go a long way. ’Cause once we’re out of balls, we’re done.” The statement went on to add that, in light of the shortage, catchers will have to be far less picky about which balls are too dirty to throw back to the pitcher.
Study Finds Flushing Toilets Wastes Billions Of Gallons Of Piss And Shit Annually #~# SYRACUSE, NY—Saying Americans squandered the valuable resource on a massive scale, a study released Monday by Syracuse University found that flushing toilets wasted billions of gallons of piss and shit annually. “When looking at aggregate flushing data from both households and businesses, it’s clear that the amount of piss and shit lost every year is astronomical and deeply concerning,” said lead author Barbara Wehl, adding that instead of being put to good use, hundreds of millions of tons of human excrement are ending up in water treatment facilities and landfills across the country. “Once the handle is depressed, all of that fecal matter and urine is sent right down the drain to the sewers where it becomes completely worthless. And we’re talking about brand-new, perfectly good shit. When scaled up, you can see how that starts to become a huge problem.” The researchers went on to say that the negative impact of flushing extended far beyond piss and shit, with hundreds of thousands of gallons of vomit wasted every year.
UCLA Offering Depression Screenings For All Incoming Students #~# To lessen the stigma of seeking mental health treatment, and to help manage stress, UCLA will now offer free depression screenings for all incoming students. What do you think?
Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet #~# THE HEAVENS—Charging the supreme being with felony reckless endangerment, heavenly authorities placed the Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, under arrest Monday for leaving His children trapped in an overheating planet. “While it’s possible for even the most attentive deity to momentarily forget how quickly a planet’s temperature can rise, that’s no excuse for such horrifying negligence,” said the archangel Selaphiel, noting that The Almighty had put not just one of his children at risk, but billions. “Frankly, we’re lucky we got there and pried open the atmosphere when we did or they would have all been gone in less than 100 years.” At press time, a tearful God said He had only left to run a brief errand just on the other side of the galaxy and said He would never forgive Himself.
Man Embarrassed Thinking About Every Opinion He’s Ever Articulated #~# MINEOLA, NY—Ashamed anew with each new thought that entered his consciousness, local man Paul Bridges reported Monday that he was filled with embarrassment about every opinion that he has ever articulated. “Oh my god, I can’t believe I told everyone how much I loved going on cruises, or that Rockapella’s original songs were actually pretty good, or that I supported invading Iraq, or that my favorite book was The DaVinci Code,” said the 31-year-old, explaining that every preference he has expressed in his lifetime, from food to politics to pop culture to technology, inevitably became a source of complete mortification. “Jesus, and all those things I said when I met my girlfriend’s parents, or had my review at work, or wrote my third-grade book report—I’ve never once had a point of view that didn’t come back to humiliate me.” Bridges went on to say that his dignity was worth fighting for, however, only to realize that that was his most embarrassing opinion yet.
Exhausted Trump Supporter Just Decides Massive Cuts To Healthcare Subsidies Reason He Voted For Him #~# BEAVER DAM, WI—In an effort to justify the recent set of executive orders the president signed earlier this week to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, exhausted Trump supporter Phil Holt reportedly just decided Friday that massive cuts to healthcare subsidies were the reason he voted as he did. “Ultimately increasing the cost of healthcare for me, my family members, and others like me is why I voted for Trump the first place,” said the completely drained Holt, 56, who reportedly has spent the last nine months since Trump took office rationalizing every step the White House has made as his motivation for casting his ballot for the president. “When I went to the polls, I based my vote solely on the hope that insurance would be allowed to skirt around Obamacare policies that protect the elderly and those with pre-existing conditions from being discriminated against. Destabilizing the nation’s healthcare system is exactly what I wanted from Trump and exactly what I got. Yes, exactly.” At press time, a weary Holt had determined that getting a second job just to afford healthcare was always a part of making America great again.
Historians Discover Meditation Spread From Ancient China By Annoying Monk Who Wouldn’t Shut Up About How It Changed His Life #~# NEW YORK—In a groundbreaking new study published Friday in The Journal Of East Asian Studies, a team of leading historians has proved that meditation originally spread from ancient China because a single, highly annoying monk went around telling everyone how much it had changed his life.
Report: 17 New Species Of Bacteria Found Every Day In World’s Rainforest Cafés #~# NASHVILLE, TN—A new report published Friday by researchers at Vanderbilt University revealed that 17 new species of bacteria are discovered every day during expeditions into the lush plastic foliage of the world’s Rainforest Cafés. “During our study, our researchers identified and classified more than 12,000 previously unknown microbes living in the Rainforest Café biome,” said lead author Nadia Lopez, adding that an astonishing number of unicellular microorganisms were thriving on the rims of Cheetah Rita glasses, in pools of water on the tables, and deep within the chocolate lava volcano cake. “It’s challenging for biologists to keep up with the rate at which new endotoxin-secreting species are discovered. And we’ve only worked our way through the first few items on the menu.” The researchers went on to speculate that the gift shop would likely contain undiscovered bacteria all its own.
Boys Scouts Will Allow Girls To Join #~# The Boys Scouts of America will begin admitting girls next year and allowing them to attain the rank of Eagle Scout, although boys and girls will still be separated into single-gender “dens.” What do you think?
Friend Moving Apartments Probably Just Going To Rent U-Haul, Have Nervous Breakdown #~# BOSTON—Deciding against putting out the money to hire a service, local man Dylan Curtis reportedly told friends Friday that he was probably just going to move apartments by renting a U-Haul and having a nervous breakdown. “I think I might just rent a truck and suffer a complete mental collapse rather than paying out the ass for some movers,” said Curtis, adding that there was no reason to pay hundreds extra if he could just as easily have a panic attack trying to parallel park a box truck on a narrow one-way street by himself. “Once I stop freaking out about the fact that I have to load an entire truck by myself, all that money I save goes right in my pocket. I’m not sure I need some pricey movers to lug my stuff over when it’s so much easier for me to curl up in the fetal position halfway up the stairs when I suddenly realize I have no business dragging a heavy dresser up to my fifth-floor walk-up all alone.” At press time, Curtis was screaming after dropping a television on his foot but was reportedly glad he could put the cash he would’ve wasted on movers toward his hospital bill.
Report: Today’s Teens Taking Longer To Grow Up #~# Studies have found that modern teens are less likely to engage in a number of “adult” activities like drinking, sex, or going out with friends than previous generations. What do you think?
Tamagotchi Digital Pets Return To Market #~# Bandai, maker of the popular ‘90s toy Tamagotchi that allowed users to feed and care for a “digital pet,” is bringing back the handheld devices for their 20th anniversary. What do you think?
Emotionally Abusive Social Media Site Continuously Manipulating Woman Into Staying #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Warning her that she’d have nobody if she walked away now, an emotionally abusive social media site has been continuously manipulating a woman into staying, sources confirmed Thursday. “Are you sure you want to deactivate your account? All your friends will miss you,” said the controlling website, warning the woman that she was turning her back on everyone who cared about her and would be totally bereft of happiness without them. “Your 395 friends will no longer be able to keep in touch with you. Would you like to log out instead of deactivating your account?” At press time, the woman still had not opted out of receiving future emails, and the site, sensing her weakness, had reportedly filled her inbox with promises that this time would be different.
Report: You Have Won! #~# Head To TheOnion.com To Redeem Your Winnings
Nation’s Women Clarify They Harbor No Secret Desire To See Colleagues’, Acquaintances’, Strangers’ Genitals #~# ‘If There Were Any Lingering Doubts, Rest Assured We Do Not Need Them Shown To Us’
Researchers Forced To Scrap Another Sleep Study After Participants Murdered In Dreams By Serial Killer #~# STANFORD, CA—Having no choice but to discard the partial and unusable results, researchers at the Stanford Center for Sleep Sciences and Medicine were forced on Thursday to scrap yet another sleep study after participants were murdered in their dreams by a serial killer. “Unfortunately, after our sleeping subjects were once again massacred by a phantasmagorical serial killer, all of our data were rendered worthless,” said lead researcher Gregory Thompson, saying that the wildly fluctuating vital signs of the sleeping test subjects seemed to suggest that they had been swallowed by their beds and had their bones spit out in geysers of blood. “We have attempted to fine-tune our test conditions several times since this problem first arose in the 1980s, but to no avail. Despite our best efforts, every batch of participants has either been hacked to pieces by what almost seems like invisible knifes, or they writhe as if bursting into flames as soon as they close their eyes.” At press time, the researchers each took turns watching over the test subjects only to also fall asleep and be murdered themselves.
A Timeline Of Construction On The White House #~# George Washington laid the cornerstone of the White House 225 years ago this week, and the building has undergone almost constant change and renovation since then. Here’s a timeline showing how the White House was built.
Fans Increasingly Unable To Recover In Time For Thursday Night Games #~# PHILADELPHIA—Pushing back on the NFL’s efforts to increase the number of prime-time broadcasts, sources confirmed Thursday that NFL fans are increasingly unable to recover in time for Thursday night games. “Look, after the intense pounding we take for hours on Sundays, there’s just no way we can be back at our best four days later for a Thursday night game,” said Philadelphia Eagles fan Jacob Ginter, who noted that on Monday mornings he typically suffers pounding headaches and struggles to even get out of bed and climb down a full flight of stairs. “Having a short week is a killer. Hey, I love the game as much as the next guy, but we need time to heal and get back to full speed.” Ginter then added that, like most fans, adding more weeks of football to the regular season would likely be too much for his body to handle.
Study: Universe Probably Not Computer Simulation #~# By studying the quantum behavior of particles, two physicists claim to have disproved a theory that our physical universe is just an elaborate simulation. What do you think?
NFL Considering Forcing Players To Stand During Anthem #~# After renewed controversy over players kneeling during the “Star-Spangled Banner” to protest racism, NFL team owners are reportedly considering a rule forcing players to stand for the anthem. What do you think?
Documentary Crew’s Night Vision Camera Captures Inquisitive Jim Harbaugh Poking Lens #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Boasting that an incredible unplanned shot perfectly captured the true nature of the Michigan football head coach, a documentary crew filming the team’s 2017 season revealed Wednesday that its static night vision camera positioned on the field had caught an inquisitive Jim Harbaugh poking its lens. “The camera first captured him coming onto the field at 2:30 a.m., but he was just rapidly pacing and dropping down for push-ups,” said director Felicia Comerford, who revealed that Harbaugh then froze, narrowed his eyes, and intently studied the camouflaged camera that he had spotted in pitch-black darkness 120 yards away from him. “Then he suddenly burst toward the camera in a full sprint. He was on it in seconds. He apprehensively circled around it several times and then disappeared off camera, popping up two seconds later inches in front of the lens, sniffing it, poking it with his finger, and then licking it.” Comerford added that the magnificent shot even tops the stunning and unexpected footage they captured the previous day of a pacing Harbaugh suddenly tearing into a freshman linebacker.
Nation Schedules Recurring Monthly Benefit Concert To Streamline Tragedy Response Process #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to bypass the logistical challenges of arranging an entirely new event each time, the nation announced Wednesday that it would be streamlining its tragedy response process by holding recurring benefit concerts every month. “With so many awful things happening back-to-back, it just makes sense to plan a series of fundraising shows well in advance rather than scramble to throw one together after every single calamity,” said event organizer Marvin Beckett, who at the behest of all 323 million Americans will line up a full slate of performances from the music industry’s top talents for the first Saturday of the month that will encompass any natural disasters or acts of mass violence that have occurred in the prior 30 days. “This scheduling is just a more practical and efficient way for us as a nation to come together and support our fellow Americans when they need help most. If we can’t stop these tragedies from happening, at least we can keep ourselves organized.” At press time, the American populace was reportedly open to the idea of weekly benefit concerts or a benefit concert that ran continuously and indefinitely.
Online Activists Unsure About Offensiveness Of Article, Figure They’ll Destroy Author’s Life Just In Case #~# SEATTLE—Figuring it was the best way to hedge their bets, online activists reportedly unsure about the offensiveness of an article Wednesday figured they’d destroy the author’s life just in case. “Reading this piece, there are quite a few challenging viewpoints that I haven’t quite thought through, but it’s probably best to cover my bases and make sure this writer never works again,” said David Morrison who, along with his online peers, resolved to release the journalist’s address, phone number, and the names of his family members just to be safe. “Honestly, I only read the first couple paragraphs, but it’s probably better to err on the side of caution when it comes to potentially controversial views like this and just make his life a nightmare for the foreseeable future.” At press time, Morrison decided it also couldn’t hurt to throw in a few death threats.
Scientists: Oceans Provide Enough Wind Power For All Civilization #~# A new report shows that winds over the earth’s oceans could provide enough renewable electricity for the entire planet. What do you think?
Man Already Has Whole Sentence Lined Up For Later In Conversation #~# NEW BERN, NC—Preparing it ahead of time in case the opportunity arose to seamlessly slip it in, local man Lawrence Mulcahy already had a whole sentence lined up for later in the conversation, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I’m locked and loaded with a nice little anecdote about the Pacific Northwest—now I’ve just got to wait for the right moment,” said Mulcahy, repeating the anecdote several times in his head as he nodded and tried to appear invested in a conversation with a coworker while anticipating when a lull would allow him to deploy it. “It’s all worked out and ready to go. The instant they’re done talking, I’m going to say, ‘Yeah, I’ve spent some time hiking up in Washington.’ As long as the discussion stays on travel, or even families or the U.S., then it’s only a matter of when. It’s gonna be great.” At press time, the last thing Mulcahy’s conversation partner said had completely derailed any chance he had of using the sentence he’d prepared.
Dove Apologizes For Ad Accused Of Racism #~# After backlash over the image, Dove apologized for an ad that appeared to show a black woman turning into a white woman, who then turned into an Asian woman. What do you think?
Millions Of Moms Set Out On Pilgrimage To Premium Outlet Center #~# CENTRAL VALLEY, NY—According to reports from across the country, millions of moms set out Saturday morning on a mass pilgrimage to the premium outlet center, following in the footsteps of mothers before them who for ages have participated in the same sacred rite.
Dining Out Vs. Home Cooking #~# Although cooking at home has long been considered the most practical option, Americans are increasingly choosing to dine out for the sake of convenience. Here is a side-by-side comparison of dining out versus cooking at home.
Bring Your Love To Me #~# As my one true girl, you know that I crave your love. I need it like a woodworker needs the perfect slab of mahogany. Like a sculptor needs obsidian. Like the stars need the night. If I had to travel 3,000 miles with various layovers at small regional airports that have little to no amenities just to be with you, I would do this.
AOL Instant Messenger Shutting Down Permanently #~# After 20 years, AOL Instant Messenger, which influenced everything from text messaging to modern apps like Snapchat, will shut down forever December 15. What do you think?
Gerbil Running Late Will Have To Eat Her Babies On The Go #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Realizing she was running well behind schedule, local gerbil Waffles told reporters Tuesday that she had no choice but to eat her newborn babies on the go. “There’s just not enough time to devour them at home and get to my wheel by nine,” said the 2-year-old mother of three as she hurriedly gathered her pink, hairless brood and scrambled out of the nest to commute through the plastic tube. “If I had just gotten up earlier, I could have sat down and enjoyed them. Instead, I’m going to have another rushed meal, and I’ll probably have bits of my offspring all over my fur when I arrive.” At press time, Waffles still had half a pup left to devour in a pile of wood shavings for lunch.
Growing ‘Fat-Earther’ Movement Believes Planet 2.4 Quintillion Pounds Overweight #~# HOUSTON—Insistent that the planet is far chubbier than scientists have let on, members of the increasingly prominent “fat-Earther” movement reportedly believe that the planet is roughly 2.4 quintillion pounds overweight, sources said Tuesday. “All these so-called ‘experts’ are full of shit—just look out your window and you’ll see the bulging rolls of planetary fat blocking out the horizon,” said Dustin Pollock, who runs a 24,000-member Facebook group dedicated to “spreading the truth about the chunkster known as Earth.” “Sure, pictures taken from space make the planet look a lot slimmer, but you’d be surprised what you can do with different lenses and camera angles. In reality, the bulk around the equator is fucking huge.” Pollock added that if the observable evidence isn’t enough, global warming is proof that Earth is a sweaty, disgusting mess.
Pro-Life Congressman Who Asked Mistress To Abort Will Resign #~# Rep. Tim Murphy (R-PA), an outspoken abortion critic, announced his resignation after revelations that he asked a woman he was having an affair with to have an abortion. What do you think?
Disney Trailer Teases Exit Of Major Character In Upcoming Film ‘Death At Pooh Corner’ #~# BURBANK, CA—Hinting that the gritty new animated feature would close the book on a “beloved friend,” a new Disney trailer on Monday teased the exit of a major character in the upcoming film Death At Pooh Corner. “Fans of the franchise should brace themselves, because Death At Pooh Corner might just be the last time they ever see one of their favorite characters in the Hundred Acre Wood,” said Disney spokesperson Sarah Freeborn, alluding to the preview’s opening shot showing Pooh jerking his head up after hearing a gunshot off in the distance and saying “Oh, bother.” “As suggested by the minor-key score and drab black-and-gray color palette of the trailer, tragedy is coming for Christopher Robin and his friends, all of whom will be stripped of their innocence in a single brutal act.” At press time, the official poster was released, featuring driving rain lashing a honey pot turned on its side in a mud puddle and the tagline “Winter 2017.”
Report: New STD Cases Hit Record High In 2016 #~# A CDC report found that new cases of sexually transmitted diseases in the U.S. hit a record high in 2016, with researchers blaming cuts to sex education programs. What do you think?
New Study Finds Average American Stands No Chance Against What’s Coming #~# EAST LANSING, MI—Saying they might as well not even bother preparing for it, a study published Monday by Michigan State University found that the average American stands no chance against what’s coming. “Our data show unequivocally that the vast majority of Americans will be snuffed out immediately the moment it gets here,” read the report in part, adding that many Americans falsely believed they were ready for it when, in fact, they were not in any respect. “It’s coming, and the average American will have barely enough time to even register what it is before they’re gone in the blink of an eye. Furthermore, our research also shows that in nearly all cases, people will have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide when it arrives. The typical American is toast.” An addendum to the report later concluded that it’s coming a lot sooner than the average American thinks.
Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan #~# CAMP VERDE, TX—Ambushed in broad daylight by a fanatical admirer, sources reported Monday that a local deer was shot by an obsessed fan. “All the evidence we’ve gathered thus far leads us to conclude that the suspect seemed fixated on the deer before ultimately taking its life,” said Sheriff Rick Lazaro, explaining that the shooter is believed to have stalked the whitetail deer for several hours before the killing, even loitering around its favorite salt lick since sunrise. “From what we can tell, it appears that the deer was enjoying a walk in the woods and took a step out into the glade where the fan was waiting with his rifle. He didn’t even say a word.” At press time, police suspected the killer had a murderous infatuation with the entire species as evidenced by the heads of several other deer found stuffed and mounted on the man’s wall.
NFL Pregame Ceremony Honors Retired 52-Year-Old Cornerback As Oldest Living Former Player #~# SEATTLE—Eliciting a standing ovation for the longtime Seahawk’s cornerback as he gripped his walker and slowly hobbled to midfield, the NFL conducted a pregame ceremony to honor 52-year-old Ronald Dutton as the league’s oldest living former player. “Ever since my father retired in 2002, he has missed being out on the field, and he would like you all to know how thrilled and excited he is to be honored by you all today,” said Dutton’s 22-year-old daughter Kayla as the hunched and visibly confused former Pro Bowler was directed to look into the camera for a photo-op with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell before gingerly attempting to lift his arm and wave to the roaring crowd. “We would like to thank the NFL for taking the time to salute their alumni, especially when those like my father have so little time left. Though as happy as he is today, I just know he wishes all of his teammates were still alive to be here with him.” Following the ceremony, Dutton’s family reportedly returned him to his assisted living home after the Seahawk’s great drifted to sleep in the stands during the first quarter.
Woman Comes Forward With First Allegations Of Biggest Sexual Harassment Scandal Of 2036 #~# NEW YORK—Saying she needed to stand up to the prominent individual for whom she works and “make [her] voice heard,” local woman Ashley Wellig reportedly came forward this week with the first allegations of 2036’s biggest sexual harassment scandal. “This morning I filed a complaint with HR about my boss’s inappropriate and predatory behavior,” said Wellig, whose accusations against the powerful and well-known figure, along with those of dozens of other women that will be filed in the months and years to come, will in two decades’ time spur numerous newspaper exposés, fuel public outcry, and initiate a major lawsuit that will be closely followed by citizens nationwide, including tens of thousands not yet born. “I’ll be talking to authorities soon, so hopefully this terrible situation can be put to rest. I just hope that by speaking out, I can help prevent anyone else from having to experience what I went through.” After providing her account to police, an anxious Wellig reportedly returned home and began to prepare for her court date, a date 6,934 days in the future.
‘How Could Harvey Weinstein Get Away With This?’ Asks Man Currently Ignoring Sexual Misconduct Of 17 Separate Coworkers, Friends, Acquaintances #~# WOBURN, MA—In light of reports that Miramax cofounder Harvey Weinstein had sexually harassed women for decades with no apparent consequences, local man Devin Blanford, who is currently ignoring the sexual misconduct of 17 separate coworkers, acquaintances, and friends, wondered Friday how Weinstein was able to get away with it. “How was this allowed to happen in the year 2017?” said an exasperated Blanford, who reportedly has willfully refused to acknowledge let alone challenge suggestive comments made by coworkers toward female colleagues and the unwanted sexual advances made by his friends toward women at social gatherings. “I know he’s a powerful man, but that doesn’t mean these disgusting things [that I deliberately choose to overlook in my own life or rationalize so quickly that it’s barely even a conscious act] can just be tolerated. Look, no one wants to rock the boat, I get that, but [other] people need to speak out, even if it’s uncomfortable.” At press time, a friend had forwarded a woman’s Tinder profile to Blanford and asked, “You think this bitch is gonna spread on the first date?” to which Blanford, after a pause, replied, “hahaha idk.”
Anti-Nuclear Weapons Organization Awarded Nobel Peace Prize #~# The International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons has been awarded this year’s Nobel Peace Prize for their work on nuclear-nonproliferation. What do you think?
Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once #~# ‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say
Supreme Court Justices Gather In Chambers To Receive Latest Mission From Large Talking Head Of Justice John Marshall #~# WASHINGTON—Springing into action the moment their SCOTUS wristwatch transponders signaled the alert, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered in their top-secret subterranean chambers Friday to receive their latest directive from the giant holographic head of former Chief Justice John Marshall.
World Health Organization Releases Top 10 Most Fucked Up Causes Of Death #~# GENEVA—Analyzing large quantities of mortality data from more than 100 countries, the World Health Organization on Friday released its annual list of the top 10 most fucked-up causes of death. “Shit, like being forced into a wood chipper or getting swallowed by a huge fucking snake feet-first so all you can do is watch yourself being gradually digested remain among the most crazy-ass causes of death globally,” WHO director-general Tedros Adhanom said of the list, which for the first time also included having one’s head “sliced clean off like some samurai fucking decapitated it” as a result of standing on a truck bed while the vehicle passed under a low bridge. “We also determined that falling face-first into an open septic tank and drowning in shit was about as messed up as having grenades in your hands and mouth all go off at once, though neither was quite as twisted as being on a plane and getting squeezed out like toothpaste after one of the windows breaks.” Adhanom went on to say, however, that the single most gnarly way to die is when you’re on a ladder cleaning your gutters and lose balance, at which point you fall, getting your leg caught in an electrical cord, which keeps you from hitting the ground but swings you face-first into the side of the house, which you bounce against repeatedly for nine hours, all the while calling out for help until you finally die.
Mortified Tampax CEO Bursts Into Tears And Runs Out Of Boardroom After Tampon Falls Out Of Briefcase #~# CINCINNATI—Her face turning a deep shade of red as she realized that everyone around the conference table had seen it, Tampax CEO Daphne Simmons reportedly burst into tears and ran out of the boardroom Friday after a tampon fell out of her briefcase. “Oh my God, oh my God, this is so embarrassing,” said Simmons, who told reporters that the board members were probably laughing at her and texting all the shareholders of the company right now. “I’m never going to be able to show my face in a quarterly review meeting again. I’m gonna have to switch companies. I’m such a stupid moron.” At press time, Simmons was huddled over crying in her office suite’s private bathroom.
Americans Are Tired Of The Same Old Pandering And Stale Ideas We’re Going To Keep Offering Them #~# If last year’s election showed us anything, it’s that anger and resentment are on the rise. I hear it from small business owners and working-class families, from millennials and retirees. There’s a sense that we’ve lost our way, and that the blame rests squarely on our nation’s leadership. Simply put, Americans are sick of being patronized and sick of the same old ideas that we, as Democrats, are going to keep offering them over and over and over again.
Study: Humans Caught Herpes From Ancient Hominin Ancestor #~# A new study found that genital herpes, which affects roughly 1 in 6 adults, was passed from apes to humans by a 4-foot-tall ancestor named Paranthropus boisei. What do you think?
Report: Breathing Can Extend Lifespan By Several Decades #~# ROCKVILLE, MD—Touting the numerous health benefits of performing the activity on a regular basis, a report released Thursday by the National Institutes of Health found that breathing can extend a person’s lifespan by several decades. “Our research clearly shows that, if started early enough and performed properly, respiration can potentially help a person live for 80 years or more,” said lead author Jacob Hamlin, adding that the data confirmed the enormous long-term benefit of breathing, regardless of gender, ethnicity, or family history. “Steady inhaling, when combined with equal parts exhaling, is incredibly good for your lungs and promotes healthy brain function. Conversely, however, we found that missing even one day of breathing can drastically reduce an otherwise healthy person’s life expectancy.” Hamlin went on to say that breathing is not a magic solution and works best as part of a lifestyle that includes eating food and drinking fluids.
Study: Playing Outdoors Protects Against Nearsightedness #~# With childhood nearsightedness on the rise, new research suggests that playing outdoors in natural light might protect kids against developing the condition. What do you think?
Newspaper Starting To Worry Spending So Much Time On Facebook Not Healthy For It #~# AKRON, OH—Concerned that its constant presence on the social media platform was harmful to its well-being, the Akron Beacon Journal was reportedly starting to worry Monday that spending so much time on Facebook wasn’t healthy for it. “I’m beginning to think we really should not be on this site as often as we are,” said editor Bruce Winges, adding that the newspaper was actually much happier before it joined the website and honestly was only on it because everyone else was. “Obsessively checking to see how many likes and shares your posts get can really take its toll on your self-esteem. It feels like we’re posting all the time and not getting anything out of it, but it’s just such a hard habit to break.” At press time, the Akron Beacon Journal had already logged back on after deactivating its Facebook account.
Adult Film Industry Replaces 500 Porn Stars With Hydraulic Robotic Fisting Arm #~# LOS ANGELES—Rendered obsolete by the robot’s orifice-pounding abilities, nearly 500 porn stars were replaced this week by a hydraulic-powered fisting arm that industry reps said could go harder, faster, and longer than any of its human counterparts. “In order to keep up with the growing demand for the filthiest, most insane hole-stretching action imaginable, production companies have had to augment their workforces with machines that can be programmed to fist around the clock with only the occasional application of lubricant,” said adult film producer Spike Oster, adding that the German-engineered robot was designed to plow elbow-deep into even the tightest of barely-legal slits. “Obviously we respect the hard work and dedication of human actors, but having the option to employ just one fully detached arm that can be quickly customized according to the gender and ethnicity requirements of a film makes far more economic sense.” Oster went on to say that the laid-off porn stars would have no trouble finding new jobs, however, assuming they were willing to move to the emerging fisting markets of Asia and the Middle East.
Nation’s Dads Announce Plans To Trade In The Dodge For Something With A Little More Zip #~# LOWELL, MA—Citing the impending ends of their leases and the fact that their youngest children were heading off to college, the nation’s dads announced on Thursday their plans to trade in the Dodge for something with a little more zip. “The Dodge was a good car, but I think this time around I’d like to get one with a bit more oomph under the hood,” said Paul Gensler, 52, one of the millions of fathers who noted that he didn’t need to drive something as big now that it was just him, mom, and the dogs holding down the fort. “When I tap the pedal, I want to feel some get-up-and-go, some pep. And we’ll see, maybe I’ll even end up taking home something in red.” The nation’s fathers added that if the dealer was willing to play ball, they wouldn’t be opposed to chipping in a bit extra for the sport package.
A Timeline Of Presidential Communication #~# Today marks 70 years since the first-ever televised presidential address was delivered by President Harry Truman, marking a defining moment in the way presidents communicate with the public. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in presidential communication.
Yahoo Confirms Data Breach Affected 100% Of Accounts #~# Verizon, parent company of Yahoo, has reported that a 2013 data breach affected every single Yahoo account in existence at that time, approximately 3 billion in all. What do you think?
Google, Facebook Spread Misinformation About Las Vegas Shooting #~# In the aftermath of Sunday’s mass shooting in Las Vegas, both Facebook and Google’s algorithms spread false reports to users, including stories that misidentified the shooter. What do you think?
New Bill Would Limit Abortion To Cases Where Procedure Necessary To Save Promising Political Career #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the measure would radically curtail access to the procedure except under the most urgent conditions, House Republicans on Wednesday introduced legislation that would sharply limit abortions to those necessary to save a promising political career. “This bill amends the federal criminal code to redesignate abortion as illegal except in extraordinarily rare cases where a politician’s future as an elected representative is in jeopardy,” read a joint statement from the House GOP, explaining that unless there was no other way to ensure that a young legislator could continue rising through the ranks in D.C., the bill would bar women unconditionally from terminating a pregnancy. “Abortion is a sin, but we recognize that there may be no other alternative when fulfilling lifelong political ambitions is at risk. That is why this bill is so important to pass into law.” At press time, the bill was amended to clarify that the political careers in question were men’s and that any pregnant female politicians would be required to bring pregnancies to full-term.
Stunned Family Watches As Grandmother Wolfs Down Sandwich In 33 Minutes #~# SPOKANE, WA—Claiming they had never seen anything like it before, the stunned family of local grandmother Doreen Weiss reportedly watched in disbelief Wednesday as she wolfed down a sandwich in 33 minutes. “Man, she just stuffed her face and absolutely annihilated that thing,” said Weiss’s grandson Justin, noting that the family couldn’t believe that their grandmother had “inhaled” her chicken salad on rye in just over a half hour. “I wasn’t even halfway through my club sandwich, and she was already completely done with her first bite. It was nuts. She even scarfed down a couple of crackers.” Justin Weiss went on to say that the family was floored when the 86-year-old “pretty much guzzled” two entire spoonfuls of the tomato soup that came with the sandwich before deciding she would save the rest for lunch and dinner tomorrow.
Twitter Testing 280-Character Limit #~# Twitter has begun expanding its character limit from 140 to 280 for select users while it considers whether to make the change permanent. What do you think?
Marvel Hints At Upcoming Death Of Stan Lee #~# NEW YORK—Coyly teasing audiences with the demise of the fan favorite, publisher Marvel Comics at a press conference Friday hinted at the upcoming death of Stan Lee. “Without revealing too much, let’s just say that longtime readers should prepare for the end of a major Marvel fixture’s nine-decade arc,” said chief creative officer Joe Quesada, adding that the death would have huge repercussions not just for the worlds of Hulk, Iron Man, X-Men, and Thor, but also for the entire extended Marvel Universe. “However it ends exactly, we’re sure that fans aren’t going to know what hit them. And for any fans who’ve been following his story since his debut, we’re sure this twist is going to pack a major emotional wallop.” Quesada went on to say that though it was not unprecedented on other occasions, he was confident that once gone, this comic icon would not be brought back.
NHL Warns Hockey Fans That Banging On Glass Scares Players #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to improve overall safety for both competitors and spectators, NHL officials issued a warning Friday to remind hockey fans that banging on the glass scares the players. “Fans attending games should refrain from pounding on the glass as it’s very disorienting and aggravating for hockey players and can even cause them to exhibit extremely violent behavior,” said commissioner Gary Bettman, explaining that the loud noises often confuse and irritate players who have been known to attack each other or injure themselves when smashing their massive bodies into the glass. “Remember, hockey players are incredibly aggressive and easily startled by the reverberations—we have no way of predicting how they will react. Fans should also avoid making direct eye contact as competitors will think they are being challenged, especially during playoff season.” Bettman added that fans should closely supervise their young children to ensure they don’t climb into the rink.
Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You #~# Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists
Experts Warn Against Eyeball Tattoo Trend #~# After a model took to social media to talk about her own botched eyeball tattoo, experts have warned against the practice, which can cause permanent damage, including blindness. What do you think?
White House: ‘This Is Not The Geologic Era To Debate Gun Control’ #~# WASHINGTON—Deflecting questions in the aftermath of the mass shooting in Las Vegas that killed 59 people and injured over 500 more, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters Tuesday that this is not the geologic era in which to debate gun control. “Out of respect for the families of the victims, we’re going to hold off on engaging in discourse over the regulation of firearms for a few eons,” said Sanders, adding that it would be premature to discuss enacting any sort of policies to prevent mass shootings until the next ice age has set in, likely long after the extinction of the human race. “Once the nation has had time to properly grieve and the continents have completed millions of years of tectonic migration to collide into one supercontinent, then we can bring this issue to the table. However, until a new dominant species rules the earth, it’s just not appropriate to address this issue.” At press time, Sanders said that a more realistic time to discuss gun control was after the sun expanded into its red giant stage and engulfed the planet.
Man Worried Any Crazy Person Could Get Hands On Congressional Seat #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Feeling vulnerable in the wake of yesterday’s mass shooting in Las Vegas, local man Greg Farley was reportedly worried Tuesday that any crazy person could get their hands on a congressional seat. “It’s terrifying to think that House and Senate seats can be obtained by pretty much any maniac who meets a really easy minimum age requirement,” said Farley, 46, adding that when the Founding Fathers conceived Congress, they surely did not envision the kind of “disturbed and dangerous lunatics” who would seek out elected office or the massive power they would wield. “You can get your hands on one of these seats with no mental health assessment, no wait period, and no real training. It keeps me up at night knowing that some madman can just waltz in and get a seat, not to mention an even more powerful committee chairmanship. Unless we make some major changes and soon, more and more people are going to get hurt.” At press time, Congress still had 535 seats and there was no serious plan to reduce their availability to the public.
John Cena Gets Argyle Wool Singlet Out From Cedar Chest In Preparation For AutumnSlam #~# TAMPA, FL—Moving aside the plastic tubs full of Christmas ornaments and cardboard boxes of old books stored in his attic, professional wrestler John Cena took out his brown argyle singlet from a cedar chest in preparation for AutumnSlam, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I always love when October comes around because I get to snuggle up in my warm, cozy singlet and utterly annihilate a couple close challengers,” said Cena while removing his favorite V-cut wrestling uniform from the moth ball-filled chest before pressing his nose against it and fondly recalling the unforgettable kick-outs and stepover toehold facelocks from AutumnSlams past. “Really, what’s better than going up to New England as the leaves start to change and jumping off the ropes with a fist drop to your opponent’s head? Man, I’m getting excited just thinking about the warm apple cider mist Triple H always spits out after entering the ring.” At press time, sources confirmed Cena was quietly humming while stringing the new laces for his wool-lined, duck-toed wrestling boots.
A Timeline Of The Space Race #~# Sixty years ago this week, the USSR launched Sputnik 1, the world’s first manmade satellite, and set off an international competition for spaceflight supremacy. Here are the most important moments in the space race.
Those Close To Nation Say It Showed Dozens Of Warning Signs Leading Up To Massacre #~# WASHINGTON—A day after America’s deadliest mass shooting left at least 58 dead and more than 500 injured in Las Vegas, sources close to the nation confirmed Tuesday that it had showed dozens of warning signs leading up to the massacre. “Looking back, the U.S. had so many red flags that I’m unfortunately not at all surprised this tragedy took place,” said Nebraska resident Tyler Stout, who along with 325 million of his fellow citizens observed that the country had become increasingly isolated in recent years, often making other nations uncomfortable in its presence. “America clearly had some mental health problems, and it’s spent decades stockpiling guns and ammunition. And then there were all those crazy, unhinged rants it was constantly posting on social media. I mean, this country was just a ticking time bomb.” At press time, sources close to the nation said that perhaps the most pronounced warning sign was that it had perpetrated mass shootings hundreds and hundreds of times before.
Man Pretty Sure He Could Run This Company Into Ground Way Better Than Boss #~# BOSTON—Saying he had no idea how someone like his supervisor got the job in the first place, local marketing strategist Michael Perkins told reporters Monday that he could run the company into the ground way better than his boss. “Seriously, give me a chance, and I’ll tank this whole operation in a week,” said Perkins, 34, who has reportedly stood by and watched his boss mismanage the business for years despite knowing he could lose talent and miss valuable growth opportunities far better. “Sure, he’s incompetent, but we’d be hemorrhaging money and ruining our corporate reputation like never before if you put me in there. You just watch how fast I’d sink this ship.” At press time, Perkins had botched his third consecutive presentation and was hoping he’d taken a huge step toward being in charge.
Dreary, Passionless Couple Believes Your Soulmate Out There Too #~# BELLEVUE, WA—Offering reassurance that it would all work out in the end like it did for them, dreary, passionless couple Evan and Jennifer Schar confirmed on Tuesday that your soulmate was definitely out there somewhere. “Take it from two people who’ve been in your shoes: Just be patient and have an open heart, and I know you’ll meet the love of your life,” said the essentially celibate Evan Schar, mechanically patting the knee of the woman he has not had sexual relations with in almost five years. “All it takes is that one amazing person who makes you feel this way. And when you find each other, you’ll realize everything was just leading up to this amazing moment. Trust us.” The Schars, both of whom are reportedly too habituated to their lifeless routine to pursue the extramarital relationships they so desperately crave, went on to say that when the time came, you would wonder why you even worried in the first place.
Report: Only 1 In 3 Preschool Graduates Has Necessary Animal Sound Skills Upon Entering Zoo #~# SAN DIEGO—Saying their growling and howling proficiency was significantly lacking, a report released Tuesday by the University of California San Diego found that only 1 in 3 preschool graduates has the necessary animal sound skills upon entering a zoo. “Overall, just two thirds of these kindergarten-bound children can faithfully reproduce even the most basic vocalizations of the animals they’ll encounter at a zoo,” said lead author Drew Relman, adding that a mere 20 percent correctly beat their chests and grunted at a gorilla while only half even knew they were supposed to roar at a lion. “It’s startling to see how many of these children think it’s perfectly correct to neigh to the gazelles or chirp at the owls. If they have this much difficulty at a zoo, what chance do they have on a field trip to a farm?” Relman went on to say it may be necessary for these children to be remedially educated with the most basic meowing at cats and barking at dogs.
CVS Limiting Opioid Prescriptions To Seven Days #~# To curb abuse, CVS announced it will limit opioid prescriptions to seven days, which research suggests helps patients avoid becoming dependent on the drugs. What do you think?
This Shooting Isn’t About Gun Control We Refuse To Pass, It’s About Access To Mental Health Care We’re Continuing To Gut #~# As our nation struggles to come to grips with the horrible tragedy in Las Vegas, it’s only natural for people to search for an explanation of how an atrocity like this could have happened and to call on their elected officials to take measures to prevent such terrible bloodshed from occurring again in the future. Unfortunately, however, we’ve seen enough of these incidents to know that some people will rush to blame firearms for this carnage and will demand that Congress enact sweeping gun restrictions, engaging in misguided efforts that completely miss the underlying reasons behind the violence we’re seeing.
NRA Says Mass Shootings Just The Unfortunate Price Of Protecting People’s Freedom To Commit Mass Shootings #~# FAIRFAX, VA—In the aftermath of a shooting in Las Vegas that left at least 58 people dead and more than 500 wounded, National Rifle Association officials said Monday that mass shootings are just the unfortunate price of protecting people’s freedom to commit mass shootings. “What happened in Las Vegas is a horrific tragedy, but it’s sadly the inevitable cost of safeguarding the rights of Americans to perpetrate such horrific tragedies,” said NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre, adding that defending the constitutional right to commit mass murder meant accepting that mass murders were occasionally going to happen. “As saddened as we are today, we must always remember that preserving our sacred liberty to go on violent rampages is far more important than any one violent rampage.” LaPierre went on to say that legislation like recent state laws permitting guns on college campuses and an upcoming House bill that would relax restrictions on the purchase of gun silencers were vital to ensuring people had more freedom to commit much deadlier massacres, even if they sometimes lead to much deadlier massacres.
Americans Hopeful This Will Be Last Mass Shooting Before They Stop On Their Own For No Reason #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing a sense of guarded optimism that the latest incident of gun violence that left 58 dead and 500 injured in Las Vegas would be a turning point for the nation, Americans across the country confirmed Monday they were hopeful this would be the last mass shooting before all such occurrences stopped on their own for no reason at all. “After something as horrific as what happened in Las Vegas, we’re all just hoping that now these terrible shootings will stop once and for all without circumstances changing in any way or any of us taking even the slightest amount of action in response,” said Harrisburg, PA resident David Snyder, echoing the sentiments of tens of millions of citizens from coast to coast who told reporters they were confident that, after living through the most deadly mass shooting in modern American history and taking no material steps to change gun laws, reevaluate safety standards, increase access to mental health care, or even have a national conversation about how mass shootings could be avoided in the future, tragedies of this kind would at long last come to an end. “Having seen acts of violence like this happen over and over again for years now, I’m really holding out hope that, despite every single factor that allowed them to occur remaining exactly the same, we won’t have to live through another day like today. I know everyone’s praying this will finally be the time this issue just disappears forever entirely by itself without anyone doing anything.” At press time, Americans nationwide agreed that years of taking no measures whatsoever to prevent mass shootings may finally be paying off.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# LAS VEGAS—In the hours following a violent rampage in Las Vegas in which a lone attacker killed more than 50 individuals and seriously injured 400 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Iowa resident Kyle Rimmels, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep these individuals from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
‘Avengers 4’ Will Provide Finale To Current Marvel Cinematic Universe #~# Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige confirmed in an interview this week that the next film in the Avengers series will conclude the current era in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and may serve as the final appearance for many of the film’s stars. What do you think?
How The NFL Can Increase Viewership #~# With audience numbers continuing to decline in the 2017 season, Onion Sports examines how the NFL can improve television ratings. 
Melania Trump Hangs Decayed Badger Carcass Over White House Mantel To Finish Off Traditional Slovenian Christmas Decor #~# WASHINGTON—Smiling as she found just the right spot for the decoration, Melania Trump hung a decayed badger carcass over the White House mantel Thursday in keeping with the traditions of Slovenian Christmas. “Ah, it finally feels like the holidays,” said the First Lady, adding that the animal’s decomposing remains really complemented the charred Christmas shrub she has set up every year since she was a little girl back in her home country. “The smell of putrefying innards and ash always gets me into the holiday spirit, just like it did in Slovenia. All that’s left is to leave out a bowl of snow broth for Santa Claus and hope he does not smother us in our sleep!” At press time, Melania had gathered her family in the dining room for the time-honored Slovenian Christmas meal of a boiled leather belt divided up and eaten in silence. 
Breitbart Criticized For Publishing Humanizing Profile Of Libtard Beta-Cuck #~# LOS ANGELES—Blasting the publication for its gentle treatment of the divisive figure, far-right news outlet Breitbart was criticized Thursday for publishing a humanizing profile of a libtard beta-cuck. “It’s absolutely absurd that Breitbart of all places would think it was okay to portray this low-T liberal shill as a sympathetic figure,” said Roy Hagar of Traverse City, MI, one of many readers expressing anger and confusion over the site’s decision to treat the globalist SJW like he was just some regular everyday neo-Nazi. “Those blue-pill snowflakes already have enough of a bullhorn without Breitbart giving them even more media attention, and we can’t start normalizing their behavior. Just because he goes to Olive Garden with his family doesn’t mean that he’s not actively promoting white genocide.” At press time, Breitbart issued a retraction of the piece, explaining that it was never its intention to lend credence to the views of soy boys.
Man’s Eyes Glaze Over Whenever Politician Starts Threatening To Plunge Him Into Serf-Like Subjugation #~# LANCASTER, PA—Saying it was a struggle to keep them open at all amidst all the tedium, local man Eric Meehan told reporters Thursday that his eyes always glaze over whenever a politician starts threatening to plunge him into serf-like subjugation. “God, every time they start talking about this boring stuff, I just completely zone out,” Meehan said in reference to any of the bills circulating through Congress that would consign him to spending his days toiling away to generate profit for others with no chance of ever accumulating wealth of his own. “They just drone on and on about about how they’re going to trap me in an endless cycle of wage labor and make sure I have no hope for prosperity in my lifetime. It’s just, like, ‘Enough already.’ Christ, we get it.” At press time, Meehan had begun spacing out mere moments into the announcement from GOP leaders that their proposed tax legislation had cleared another hurdle to passing.
Queer Dating App 'Grindr' No Longer Men-Only #~# Grindr, a popular dating and hook-up service geared toward gay and bisexual men, has updated its app to allow users to select a variety of new gender identities, including women, non-binary, and queer. What do you think?
‘Substitute Phone’ Aims To End Smartphone Addiction #~# Austrian designer Klemens Schillinger is selling a “substitute phone,” a black functionless slab embedded with small beads that users can swipe in place of their actual phone, with the hopes of breaking smartphone addiction. What do you think?
Alex DeLarge Forced To Step Down As Leader Of Droogs Amidst Allegations Of Sexual Misconduct #~# LONDON—Pushed out of power as the damning charges mounted, Alex DeLarge was forced to step down Wednesday as leader of the Droogs amidst allegations of sexual misconduct. “In an unfortunate development, we have been forced to remove Mr. DeLarge from his post due to the startling accusations of sexual impropriety that have come to light,” said Droog member Georgie, explaining that although the group had systems in place to swiftly address such allegations, it clearly did not adequately follow those procedures. “Even though these acts took place decades ago, it does not excuse Alex’s heinous and unforgivable actions. This is not at all what the Droogs stand for.” At press time, DeLarge had offered to undergo two weeks of rigorous aversion therapy to rehabilitate himself.
Bangor Police Bring In Stephen King To Help Track Demonic Car That Killed Woman #~# BANGOR, ME—Admitting their investigation was at a standstill, local law enforcement officials told reporters Wednesday they had enlisted the help of bestselling author Stephen King to track down a demonic automobile accused of killing an area woman.
Area Woman Quietly Satisfied To Have Concrete Evidence Backing Up Years-Long Hatred Of Matt Lauer #~# BROOKLYN, NY—In the wake of a sexual misconduct allegation that led to the firing of the longtime Today cohost, local woman Meredith Duncan on Wednesday was reportedly quietly satisfied to have concrete evidence backing up her years-long hatred of Matt Lauer. “I’ve despised that man for going on two decades, and now I finally know why,” said Duncan, 47, adding that there was always something off-putting about the man who had been a fixture on the NBC morning show since 1997, a vague loathing for him that had not fully made sense until this very moment. “I knew it couldn’t just be that he was a terrible journalist throwing softball questions at guests with that smirk on his face. There had to be a better, more disgusting reason, and it honestly feels pretty great to have my distaste for the man fully justified after all this time.” At press time, Duncan was smugly letting anyone who brought up the allegation against Lauer know that she wasn’t surprised in the slightest and that a few people suspected something was wrong with him all along.
Tips For Holiday Shopping On A Budget #~# With so much of the holiday season revolving around gift-giving, this time of year can be difficult if you’re trying to save money. Here are some tips for holiday shopping when you’re on a budget.
Hooded Members Of Congress Drown Another Love Child In Potomac To Prevent Affair From Getting Out #~# WASHINGTON—After solemnly chanting the Latin funereal hymn “Dies Irae” in unison, hooded members of Congress on Wednesday reportedly drowned another love child in the Potomac River to prevent an affair from getting out. “So that this bastard child is never again blessed with the light of another morning, we now commit him to the depths of this river,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan, who held the day-old baby above his head for all 535 cloaked legislators to look upon and then handed the squirming infant to Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, who placed it in a burlap sack and gently lowered it into the chilly water. “Tonight, we from both chambers renounce it, we deny it a name, and we offer it to the Potomac to rid this world of what should not have been and cannot be any longer. With this athame blade, I now begin the blood oath.” At press time, a couple in Alexandria, VA discovered the infant downriver and decided to raise it as their own.
‘Lady Bird’ Now Best-Reviewed Movie Of All Time #~# According to movie review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes, the Greta Gerwig-directed film Lady Bird is now the highest-reviewed film in the website’s history, with a 100 percent rating averaged from 165 reviews. What do you think?
Prince Harry Is Engaged To Meghan Markle #~# The engagement of Prince Harry to Meghan Markle, his longtime American girlfriend, was announced Monday. What do you think?
New GOP Plan Offers Tax Breaks On All Contributions Tucked Into Congressmen’s Suit Breast Pocket #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to motivate Americans into giving more generously, a new GOP plan unveiled Tuesday would offer generous tax breaks on all contributions tucked into congressmen’s suit breast pockets. “Under this new proposal, Americans would be afforded the ability to write off any donation that is coolly slipped into the breast pocket of a congressman’s suit,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), explaining that if the plan passed, taxpayers would receive even greater deductions for larger wads slid into elected representative’s front pocket with a wink and a nod. “This should hopefully provide much-needed incentive to Americans to palm off larger denominations while shaking their senators’ or representatives’ hands.” McConnell went on to say that supplemental tax credits would also be provided on each luxury car belonging to the keys that just happen to appear on a congressman’s desk.
‘The Onion’ Has Obtained Exclusive Information From Jaime Phillips About Roy Moore’s Sexual Indiscretions #~# In the troubled, politically charged times in which our country finds itself, The Onion takes great pride in being the sole beacon of truth and integrity in journalism. No matter how explosive the revelations brought to light by our sources, no matter how their publication may upset the established order, this storied newspaper has sworn an oath to provide the American people with the facts necessary to serve as informed democratic citizens.
Al Franken Tearfully Announces Intention To Step Down From Role As Harasser Of Women #~# WASHINGTON—Amid mounting sexual misconduct allegations against the Minnesota senator, Al Franken tearfully announced to reporters Tuesday his intention to step down from his role as a harasser of women. “I’ve discussed it with my family and, sadly, I’ve come to the conclusion that the best course of action is for me to resign as a groper of women,” said Franken, adding that as much as he’d like to continue making unwanted sexual advances, he will vacate the position effective immediately. “While I wish it didn’t have to come to this, I now believe removing myself from my post as a serial harasser who uses his power to act inappropriately towards the women around him is what’s best for all parties.” Franken went on to say that, despite this decision, he is grateful for every minute he had in the role.
You Know, Now That I Think About It, Settling Diplomatic Disputes Between Traditionally Hostile Ethnic Groups Is Nothing Like Drilling For Oil #~# When Donald Trump asked me to be his secretary of state, I was honored to be given such an extraordinary opportunity to serve my country. I was confident I could transition from my job as the CEO of ExxonMobil to become America’s chief diplomat. But after 10 months in my new role, I’m beginning to think that maybe settling complicated disputes between historically hostile groups of people is quite a bit different than drilling for oil.
Witnesses To Gordon Hayward Injury Continuing Long Road To Recovery #~# BOSTON, MA—Witnesses to Gordon Hayward’s gruesome injury are slowly continuing their long road to recovery, sources confirmed Tuesday. “After seeing an injury like that, we thought a lot of these people would never be able to watch basketball again,” said sports therapist Richard O’Malley, citing the severe damage to the psyches of those who cringed at the sight of Gordon’s broken leg. “We don’t want to rush them back too quickly or before they’re ready, because there’s nothing worse than watching the game of basketball scared. But they’re progressing nicely, and by this time next year they may very well be suiting up in their Kevin McHale jerseys ready to watch a full 48 minutes.” O’Malley added that it is possible those who saw the broken leg may actually return to the game mentally stronger as a result of their rehabilitation.
Vans Warped Tour Will End In 2018 #~# Annual traveling punk rock music festival Vans Warped Tour, which helped jump-start the careers of artists like Blink-182, Fall Out Boy, and Katy Perry, will end in 2018 after nearly 25 years. What do you think?
Buick Introduces New Self-Buying Car #~# DETROIT—Saying it had radically reenvisioned the very concept of the autonomous vehicle, Buick on Tuesday unveiled the first-ever self-buying car. “In what marks a watershed moment for this company, we here at Buick are proud to present the first and only car that purchases itself,” said Buick spokesman Matt Grossinger, calling the new Buick Acquisition revolutionary in its ability to put a down payment on itself automatically, removing the need for any human initiative at all. “Consumers can sit back and relax while the car evaluates different loan plans and warranties completely on its own, not to mention negotiate its own selling price with the dealer. In fact, buying a car will soon be as easy as looking outside your window to discover your existing car has been traded in, and a Buick has been parked in its place.” At press time, despite the new technology, Buick sales remained stagnant.
Teacher Frustrated No One In Beginner Yoga Class Can Focus Chakras Into Energy Blast #~# LYNN, MA—Expressing dismay at how little progress her students had made, local yoga teacher Diane Holden was reportedly frustrated Tuesday that no one in her beginner vinyasa class could yet focus their chakras into a psychic energy blast. “C’mon, this is the fourth week of class—they should be going straight from downward dog into a full burst of channeled cosmic power, but they’re not even close,” said a visibly annoyed Holden, adding that none of the dozen students after eight weeks could even concentrate their chakras so that their body glows, much less project shockwaves of pure electricity from their hands and feet that flood the room with blinding luminance. “This class is pathetic. It’s like they can’t grasp the first thing about concentrating their third-eye energy in the hakini mudra pose to generate the swirling sublime ball of the energy blast. Boy, they’ve really got their work cut out for them if they want to have any hope of levitating by next week.” Holden went on to say that the closest any of her students had come to practicing yoga successfully was when one united their mind, body, and soul well enough to make the lights briefly flicker.
Chicago Announces New Tax Breaks To Attract Major New York, LA Shootings #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to stay competitive in a growing market, Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced Monday that Chicago will be offering new tax breaks to attract major New York and Los Angeles shootings. “The city has already proven itself to be a big player, but these new incentives will ensure that Chicago stays at the forefront of gun-related violence for decades,” said Emmanuel, adding that Chicago would be offering over $2 billion in tax credits to entice top talent to leave the East and West coasts and set up their shootings in the Midwestern metropolis. “We’ve had a number of first class local shootings over the last few years, especially on the more productive Southside, but if we’re going to expand into neighborhoods all over the city, we’re going to need fresh blood.” Emanuel added that the “Windy City” has many unique, undiscovered locations that can serve as the perfect backdrops for small homicides or huge massacres. 
‘So What Did I Miss?’ Asks Michael Flynn Tilting Large Flower On Lapel Towards Trump #~# WASHINGTON—Strolling into the Oval Office and standing in close proximity to the president, former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn reportedly asked, “So, what did I miss?” Monday while meticulously tilting the large flower on his lapel towards Donald Trump. “Sorry I missed you these last nine months, but now I’m totally available to lend an ear if you want to vent about anything, or just feel like reminiscing about the 2016 presidential campaign,” said Flynn, leaning over the Resolute Desk and urging Trump to speak clearly as well as apologizing for being “a little slow on the uptake” when requesting that the president repeat several remarks. “Just for clarity’s sake, when you say ‘Jeff,’ you’re referring to Attorney General Jeff Sessions, is that correct? Go ahead and give me as many specific details as possible about the nature of those conversations, and while you’re answering, why don’t you take a sniff from this beautiful daisy?” At press time, Flynn was abruptly heading towards the door and whistling loudly as the sound of feedback began emanating from beneath his suit jacket.
Cyber Monday Could Shatter Sales Records #~# Sales analysts suggest that this year’s Cyber Monday could break previous sales records with a projected $6.6 billion in revenue—a near 17 percent increase on last year. What do you think?
New Report Finds Giants Just 5 Years Away From Acquiring Offensive Weapons #~# NEW YORK—Warning that they should no longer be viewed as a meek and harmless franchise, sources confirmed Monday that the New York Giants are likely to acquire powerful offensive weapons within the next five years. “The Giants may seem insignificant now, but if they are allowed to go unchecked, they could become one of the most dangerous teams in the league by 2022,” said NFL scout Todd Sandberg, adding the mounting evidence suggests the Giants have the technical skills and sources to eventually develop an explosive running back and could one day become a multi-dimensional threat. “They’re weak now, but ambitious, and we have every reason to believe they will not stop until taken seriously. Nobody really knows what they’re thinking and that is dangerous.” Sandberg emphasized that the quest to acquire offensive weapons could be accelerated by the team’s impending regime change.
Prince Harry Engaged To Woman Who Will Never Love Him The Way 29-Year-Old Idahoan Graphic Designer Jennie Hoffman Does #~# LONDON—Missing out on a life of deep commitment from the only person who truly understands his heart, Prince Harry revealed Monday his engagement to a woman who will never love him the way 29-year-old Idaho resident and graphic designer Jennie Hoffman does. “We are delighted to announce the engagement and upcoming wedding of Prince Harry to Ms. Meghan Markle,” said royal spokesperson Claire Hutton, of the American actress whose affection for the Prince is reportedly but a dim shadow of the passion and desire burning inside the Idaho State graduate and freelance artist behind the Boise Pizza House logo. “They are such a happy and loving couple [even though Meghan will never be as devoted or caring as Jennie, nor look into Harry’s eyes and gaze into his soul] and we know their future is bright. We give them our blessing.” The royal family also announced that the wedding date would be near the birth of what should have been the third child between Prince William and 37-year-old Rochester, NY woman Wendy Richmond. 
Tips For Clean Eating #~# More Americans are becoming health-conscious and moving toward a cleaner, whole foods-based diet. Here are The Onion’s tips for clean eating.
Comedy Cellar Holds Night For Male Comedians To Workshop Sexual Harassment Apologies #~# NEW YORK—Describing it as an opportunity for the comics to try out their new material, the Comedy Cellar on Monday reportedly launched a new live show for male comedians to workshop their sexual harassment apologies. “Our new show offers a dozen comics—from young up-and-comers to seasoned professionals—a chance to try out the sexual harassment apologies they’ve been working on in front of a receptive crowd,” said Comedy Cellar spokesman Leonard Childress, adding that the show, which will run weekly, gives each male comedian a 10-minute slot to experiment with different admissions of guilt and try out new expressions of remorse that they can use in their future explanations. “These comics can just throw any justifications for their behavior and promises to change against the wall and see what sticks. There’s no judgment here. After all, you want to be confident that you have your sharpest, tightest apology ready when you finally go out to present it to the media.” At press time, the audience was abuzz after finding out that comedian Andy Dick was dropping in to workshop some brand-new material.
Dying Woman Sorry She Won’t Get To See 37-Year-Old Son Grow Up #~# TULSA, OK—Saying she only wished she’d be around to look on with pride as he matured into an adult, dying woman Maureen McCarthy told reporters Monday that she was sorry she would never get to see her 37-year-old son grow up. “I was so looking forward to seeing the type of person Daniel will develop into once he leaves the house and ventures out into the world,” said McCarthy, adding that it broke her heart to realize that she wouldn’t be around to meet his first girlfriend or see him graduate from college. “Getting a driver’s license, landing his first real job, voting in his first election—God, there are so many milestones I’m going to miss. If only I just had a few more years.” At press time, McCarthy smiled as her darling son lounged on the couch reading comic books and decided to focus on whatever precious time was left.
Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird #~# STANFORD, CA—Surmising that the animal was probably sick and most definitely filthy, Stanford University scientists warned Americans Monday to just stay away from that bird. “It’s doing a weird thing with its wings, and it just looks all grimy,” said researcher Emily Carden, emphasizing that Americans should avoid going anywhere near the bird as scientists had no idea where it had been. “Who knows what this bird’s deal is, but you can tell there’s something wrong with it. It was kind of walking in a circle a bit ago, but now it’s just picking at one of its nasty-looking feathers and making a strange noise. It might be dying, but it could probably still fly right at you if it wanted to. It’s just so gross.” At press time, researchers were urging Americans to remain quiet while they tried to gently poke at the bird with a long stick.
Showerin’ Real Good Continues To Top Bridal Style Trends Of 2017 #~# NEW YORK—Saying there was no substitute for cleaning up top-to-bottom with soap and everything, showerin’ real good continues to be one of the top bridal style trends for 2017, sources reported Monday. “Really getting in there with warm water, suds, and a washcloth is an absolute must for this year’s brides-to-be,” said wedding blogger Alicia Ward, adding that showerin’ real good, with some pretty-smelling shampoo to boot, beat out barn weddings, cupcake towers, and halter necklines as the top bridal trend for a fifth consecutive year. “Whether you’re having a traditional church ceremony or you’re just grabbing a witness and heading to city hall, you’ll want to get all lathery and then really dig into all the nooks and crannies until you’re washed all nice like.” Ward went on to say that many brides, however, paired showerin’ real good with brushin’ their teeth hard till any crud is gone.
Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—In light of disturbing footage obtained by undercover activists, pizza franchise Papa John’s came under fire Friday for the company’s cruel treatment of the bulbous, deformed creatures that lactate its pizza sauce. “These poor monstrosities are being kept in cramped, dark pens with little light or fresh air for the sole purpose of extracting fresh tomato sauce from their teat-like protuberances,” said PETA spokesperson Jasper Dornhoff, adding that the grotesque creatures were covered in infected sores from biting one another and that many appeared to be wallowing in their own garlicky waste all the way up to their haunches. “Papa John’s is profiting from the suffering of these beasts so they can continue to produce the millions of pizzas consumed by the public every year. No living thing on earth should have to spend its life pumped up with hormones and milked for its sauce almost constantly, not even able to nurse its own calves.” At press time, a Papa John’s representative warned that any humane changes to the sauce creatures’ environment would negatively affect that special Papa John’s flavor.
Giants Players Beg Al Michaels Not To Use Their Real Names During Starting Lineup Introduction #~# WASHINGTON—Desperately hoping to avoid humiliation on the national stage, sources confirmed that members of the New York Giants pleaded with NBC play-by-play sportscaster Al Michaels to avoid using their real names during the starting lineup introductions of Thursday night’s broadcast. “Please do me a solid and say my name is Jerry or Tim or something,” said running back Paul Perkins, noting that he had hoped to avoid humiliating his family members and friends who would likely be watching the Thanksgiving Day game. “I can’t have my family name associated with this. It would crush my mother, so please just either make up a name or say mine super fast. I’ll owe you one.” At press time, Eli Manning was reportedly asking NBC producers to also blur the image of him used in the lineup graphics.
Americans Buy $81 Million In Pies On Thanksgiving #~# According to Nielsen holiday sales data, Americans spent $81,483,780 on pie during Thanksgiving week in 2015—far exceeding pies purchases in other weeks that year—a trend they link to Americans eating multiple Thanksgiving meals in that span. What do you think?
Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving #~# Across the nation, families and friends are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for this year?
‘Let’s All Say What We’re Grateful For,’ Says Mother Who Apparently Believes She’s In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting #~# LANSING, MI—Deluded into thinking the gathering was the goddamn picture of idyllic American life, local mother Donna Lerner, who apparently believes she’s in a Norman fucking Rockwell painting, reportedly suggested Thursday that everyone say what they are grateful for. “Now, let’s all go around the table and say at least one thing we are thankful for this year,” said Lerner, who seemed to think that she inhabited some bullshit sentimental oil painting from 1943 that was probably called something like “Bond Of A Thankful Family.” “Come on, Matthew, you don’t have anything that you’re appreciative for? Okay fine, I’ll go first. I’m truly blessed that I [live in a fucking fantasyland that some dead guy invented and that has never and will never exist for me or anyone else at this table].” At press time, Lerner beckoned her children to gather around the piano so that they could all sing songs together as if it were a goddamn Frank Capra movie.
Study: Sex Rarely Causes Heart To Stop #~# Researchers at the Cedars-Sinai Heart Institute found that people with heart conditions have cardiac arrests during sex in less than 1 percent of cases, saying they hoped the findings help remove an anxiety for couples. What do you think?
Memorable Moments From NFL Thanksgiving Games #~# The Reverend William Bradford rushes for 147 yards and a touchdown as the Pilgrims defeat the Native Americans
New Historical Evidence Suggests Most Pilgrims Sailed Back Home To Celebrate First Thanksgiving #~# BOSTON—In what seems to suggest acute homesickness among the colonists, historians at Boston University said on Wednesday that newly uncovered documents indicate that most pilgrims sailed back to Europe in the fall of 1623 to celebrate the first Thanksgiving at home. “What we see from personal diaries and ships’ logs is that the majority of these settlers, rather than stay put and observe the holiday in Plymouth, decided to brave the three-month journey back across the Atlantic to be with family and friends,” said professor Willa Sinclair, adding that the few pilgrims who remained in the New World either couldn’t afford the trip or refused to go if their father was bringing his new girlfriend. “They were willing to endure the crowded, often horribly delayed ships for a taste of their mother’s home cooking complete with all the traditional Thanksgiving fixings.” Sinclair went on to say that from the second Thanksgiving onwards, however, many Pilgrims decided to just go out for dinner and be done with it.
Tearful Trump Puts Down Ladle, Walks Out Of Soup Kitchen After Learning Charitable Foundation Shutting Down #~# WASHINGTON—Feeling devastated by the thought that he could no longer provide assistance to millions of disadvantaged Americans, a tearful President Trump reportedly put down his ladle Tuesday and walked out of a soup kitchen after learning that the Donald J. Trump Foundation was shutting down. “There was so much I could have done to help those in need, but now it’s just not going to happen,” said a visibly distressed Trump who, upon being informed of the philanthropic organization’s closure, solemnly dumped a kettle filled with hot stew into the garbage several minutes before the start of the meal service. “I think of all the sick, the poor, and the disabled who will suffer because of the federal laws my charitable organization violated and, Jesus, it just breaks my heart. Those beautiful, wonderful souls—God, I can’t bear it.” At press time, Trump took one last heartbreaking look at the line of homeless men, women, and children as he exited the building before collapsing to his knees and crying.
Charlie Rose Presses Self About Sexual Harassment Allegations In Tense Charlie Rose Interview  #~# NEW YORK—Refusing to back down from the subject during their often contentious exchange, talk show host Charlie Rose reportedly pressed himself about the recent sexual harassment allegations against him in a tense Charlie Rose interview on Tuesday. “Eight women who either worked with you or aspired to work with you have now said you sexually assaulted or harassed them with lewd phone calls, groping, or by exposing your nude body to them on occasions that date back to the late 1990s,” an unwavering Rose said to himself, digging in his heels every time the recently fired co-host of CBS This Morning tried to downplay the women’s accusations by calling some of them “inaccurate” or divert the conversation to his desire to be a better ally generally for women going forward. “In your statement on Monday, you said, ‘I always felt that I was pursuing shared feelings.’ Don’t you think that shows a sense of entitlement and lack of empathy toward these eight women? By saying that, aren’t you essentially laying the responsibility for your own actions on them?” At press time, a visibly agitated Rose reportedly took off his microphone and walked out of the interview before its conclusion.
Trump To Spend Thanksgiving At Mar-a-Lago #~# Palm Beach residents are bracing for President Trump’s arrival Thanksgiving week, a move that will cause road closures and an estimated $350,000 loss in local business. What do you think?
Assistant Coach Finally Works Up Courage To Blow Whistle #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Saying they were caught completely off guard by his sudden act of assertiveness, onlookers at a Duncan High School varsity football practice reported Wednesday that second-year assistant coach Bill Vining had finally worked up the courage to blow his whistle. “Everyone just froze and we thought we were in big trouble or something,” sophomore cornerback Matt Baker told reporters, noting that the soft-spoken coach had rarely ever addressed more than a handful of players at once, let alone the entire team. “Even [head] coach [Charles] Pettis looked puzzled when he saw who blew the whistle. Once he had total silence and the undivided attention of every player, coach, and student on the field, he told us we had a big game this week and we needed to have a good practice today. It was really strange.” Players and coaches later confirmed to reporters that Vining ended the practice by offering to walk the offense through a new play he had drawn up.
Nearly Half Of Americans Have High Blood Pressure #~# According to new guidelines defining a healthy measurement as below 120/80, 46 percent of Americans have high blood pressure, putting them at increased risk of heart attacks and strokes. What do you think?
Study Finds Humans Crave Sweet Foods Because They’re Weak—They’re Weak And They’re Small #~# STANFORD, CA—Saying their findings confirmed a long-suspected absence of goddamn willpower in our species, researchers at Stanford University said Tuesday that the reason humans crave sweet foods is simply because they’re weak—they’re weak, and they’re small. “Our study suggests that the average person’s desire for sugary treats is directly linked to the fact that they are pathetic overgrown babies with no control over themselves whatsoever,” said lead researcher Dr. Natasha Cott, adding that her team had found that most people’s tendency to be drawn to items like chocolate and other confections is entirely due to their being pitiful and sad, not to mention stupid enough to be enticed by these unhealthy foods in the first place. “If people ate salads or fruits on a regular basis, for example, it would demonstrate a measure of inner strength and resolve. But they don’t. You don’t. All you care about is stuffing more and more handfuls of sugar between your rotted-out jaws. The only thing we couldn’t determine is whether you were more spineless or disgusting.” The study concluded that while sugar was linked to the nation’s obesity epidemic, feeble Americans had brought it upon themselves and absolutely deserved it.
Report: That Whole Side Of Family Just Like That #~# POCATELLO, ID—According to reports Tuesday from sources who said you’d get used to it eventually, that whole side of the family is just like that. “Oh, yeah, they’re all like that. Always have been,” said area father Bruce Mayer, noting that every one of them, from the oldest on down, was just a little off. “I mean, look at the parents—they’re like that, so of course the kids are too. I know you only met one of them, but trust me, they’re all pretty much cut from the same cloth.” Mayer later clarified his remarks, acknowledging that Ron’s sister Karen was actually kind of normal.
Successful U.S. Airstrike Kills 30 Iraqis Who May As Well Have Been Terrorists #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that the mission had met all its objectives, the U.S. military announced Tuesday that it had launched a successful airstrike that had killed 30 Iraqis who may as well have been terrorists. “I am pleased to confirm that at 1400 hours yesterday afternoon, U.S. forces carried out an air raid on a site 20 miles from Mosul that, for all intents and purposes, serves as a terrorist training ground,” said Central Command spokesperson Major Josh Jacques, adding that, who knows, the Iraqis targeted could very well have been high-ranking members of ISIS. “Fortunately, we were able to hit the location with pinpoint accuracy, ensuring that those inside—who for all we know were some of the most dangerous jihadists on the planet—would no longer be able to carry out a series of devastating attacks. In fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if our nation is far, far safer than it was 24 hours ago.” Jacques went on to say that the military would continue utilizing this strategy, as there was no way to totally disprove the Islamic State wasn’t being brought to its knees.
Doctors Edit Living Patient's DNA For First Time #~# In a medical first, doctors have attempted to edit genes inside a living person, injecting a patient with special cells designed to repair a DNA mutation which causes the degenerative disease Hunter syndrome. What do you think?
Frustrated Jesus Christ Forced To Find 22nd Vessel For Reincarnation After Death Of Charles Manson #~# THE HEAVENS—Returning home to the heavenly realm once again in a foul mood, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, reportedly expressed frustration Monday with being forced to find a 22nd vessel for reincarnation after the death of Charles Manson. “Well, that was just a total waste of my time,” said Christ, referring to the 83 years spent on Earth as the cult leader and convicted murderer who he had intended on using to bring about Judgment Day after already experiencing a series of failed second comings that included Benito Mussolini, Vlad the Impaler, and Reverend Cotton Mather. “I had really high hopes for finally doing the end-of-days thing with this one, and instead I get locked up for almost half a century. Maybe I was trying a little too hard with all the Helter Skelter apocalyptic race war shit. I’m definitely going to have to be a little pickier next time. I was supposed to bring about the end of the world like, 800 years ago, and now this is just getting really embarrassing.” At press time, Christ was reportedly not taking any chances by making sure he was born directly into a rich political family.
Manson’s Loved Ones Ask For Complete, Utter Chaos In Their Time Of Grief  #~# BAKERSFIELD, CA—In the immediate aftermath of the 83-year-old cult leader’s passing, Charles Manson’s loved ones on Monday asked for complete and utter chaos while they grieve. “As we mourn, we kindly ask that you respect our wishes by letting all hell loose and breaking every shackle of the old order,” read a statement from the deceased’s relatives, adding that those who wish to show their support are encouraged simply to “rise up from the bottom of time” and run wild in the streets. “We know that Charles would want those who knew him, because we’re all God, to come together to shriek and rampage, overcome with madness as we tear each other limb from limb to find the heart of the world.” The statement added that, in lieu of flowers, funeral attendees are invited to contribute to the coming race war.
Report: Only 3% Of Conversations Actually Need To Happen #~# WASHINGTON—Calling into question the usefulness of one of the most common human interactions, a new report released Monday by the Pew Research Center found that only 3 percent of conversations actually need to happen. “Frankly, almost all of the conversations you have with your spouse, coworkers, friends, doctor, or anyone else are completely superfluous,” said lead researcher Alan Monroe, adding that conversations that never need to happen under any circumstances include non-business-related chats with coworkers, casual discussions of politics, and any inquiries into weekend plans. “At most, it seems as if an individual only needs to have a handful of conversations per year—and even those could probably be trimmed to a single exchange of three- or four-word sentences.” The report further noted that the 3 percent was just an average and that some people could actually get by just fine without a single conversation in their entire lives.
Substitute Teacher Can Tell He’s Filling In For Real Asshole #~# GREENSBURG, KS—Picking up immediately on the students’ lack of confidence and low morale, fourth grade substitute teacher Jeff Moransky told reporters Monday that he could tell he was filling in for a real asshole. “As soon as I walked into the room, they all scrambled to their seats and sat in silence with their eyes on their desks—this sonofabitch must really put these kids through the wringer,” said Moransky, adding that he surmised pretty quickly that he must be filling in for a real prick from the fact that every single student politely raised their hand to ask a question instead of blurting it out. “You’d think that they’d want to misbehave while their teacher is gone, but even when I gave them the last five minutes of class to talk to each other, they just started doing their homework without a word. Only a real dickhead could pull that off.” At press time, the bell had rung, but Moransky realized the students were too scared to budge from their desks until he officially dismissed them.
Justice Kennedy Out For Rest Of Session With Tear In Adjudicatory Tendon #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the court expected to finish the year strong even without their most productive swing voter, sources reported Monday that Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy will be out for the rest of the Supreme Court session after tearing his adjudicatory tendon. “Unfortunately, these kinds of injuries take a lot of time to fully heal, so he’ll be sidelined for the year’s remaining cases while he recovers,” said Supreme Court spokesman Stephen Howell, adding that the 81-year-old judge had already torn his adjudicatory tendon once before while writing the majority opinion for Bragdon v. Abbott in 1998. “Justice Kennedy underwent arthroscopic surgery yesterday, and doctors believe he’ll be back in time to hear arguments on the Janus v. American Federation union fees case in January. However, these injuries can be unpredictable, so we’ll constantly be monitoring his ability to deliberate along the way.” Howell went on to say that, prior to officially returning to his seat, Kennedy may spend several weeks rehabbing his injury on the U.S. Court of Appeals.
George R.R. Martin Announces Next Book To Feature Pixies, Dracula #~# SANTA FE, NM—Explaining that the new novel would be a radical departure from his previous work, best-selling author George R.R. Martin reportedly told readers “Fuck you” while announcing Monday that the next book in his A Song of Ice and Fire series will feature pixies and Dracula. “Guess what, shitheads, this next installment is going to be loaded with fairies and vampires, and everything will take place in the Millennium Falcon,” said Martin, raising both middle fingers in the air as he revealed the new book would be called Suck My Dick, You Fucking Dweebs. “Not only is Jon Snow not in this next one, but you’re going to find out that he was a figment of everyone’s imagination the whole time. I’m in it though, because I’m the hero, and I’m aided by a band of foul-mouthed Lego Bionicles and, fuck it, I just added some minions too.” Martin went on to say that it didn’t even matter what was in the book because after he finished writing it, he was just going to burn it in front of all his pathetic fans.
Mattel Debuts Barbie With Hijab #~# Mattel has debuted a Barbie based on Muslim-American fencer Ibithaj Muhammad, which features a hijab as well as a more muscular build than the standard doll. What do you think?
Report: Publicly Humiliating Unpopular Student Still Leading Cause Of Telekinetic Violence In U.S. High Schools #~# WASHINGTON—In a study confirming much of the existing research on the destructive and often deadly incidents, the Department of Education reported Thursday that public humiliation of unpopular students remains the leading cause of telekinetic violence in U.S. high schools. “Our data indicate that a friendless student is more likely to lash out with enhanced psychic abilities after being subjected to a cruel prank pulled at a school-wide event such as a dance, pep rally, or talent show,” said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, adding that such coordinated humiliations were directly linked to the psychokinetic violence of chairs flying across classrooms, screws slowly twisting loose from the structural supports of bleachers during school assemblies, and live wires detaching and electrocuting students on prom night. “In fact, telekinetic misfits duped into believing that they were popular for the sole purpose of embarrassing them in front of their crush were responsible for nearly every incident of gym doors slamming shut by themselves and locking students inside to meet their deaths.” The study went on to say, however, that sustained bullying was at times also linked to violence dispensed by a possessed 1958 Plymouth Fury.
Giants Excited About Seeing Real NFL End Zone Up Close #~# DENVER—Excitedly running their hands along the white goal line and huddling around the pylons, members of the New York Giants were thrilled to see a real NFL end zone up close before their game against the Denver Broncos, sources confirmed Sunday. “Oh my God, hey, Eli [Manning], come over here and check this out!” said running back Paul Perkins, who reportedly posed for photos in the end zone with his teammates before asking a referee if they were allowed to share them on social media. “Wow, I’ve heard friends on the Jaguars and Browns talk about seeing an end zone, but that’s just not the same as seeing one for yourself. This is amazing. I still can’t believe my eyes.” At press time, coach Ben McAdoo was reportedly scrambling to control the chaos after Jason Pierre-Paul spread a rumor among the defense that they might see the opposing team’s backfield that day.
White House Lifts Ban On Importing Elephant Trophies #~# Reversing a policy designed to protect the threatened species, the Trump White House is lifting a ban on importing elephant hunting trophies from Zimbabwe and Zambia. What do you think?
Trump Privately Terrified His Sexual Assault Victims Will Someday Come Forward #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns about a potentially disastrous scandal, President Trump reportedly confided to White House officials Friday that he was terrified that his sexual assault victims would someday come forward. “I’m seeing all this news lately about women speaking out against these men who acted very inappropriately toward them and the repercussions those same men now face, and I’m honestly scared of what would happen if one day I’m accused publicly by 10 or maybe even more women whom I’ve harassed or assaulted in the past,” said a visibly shaken Trump, adding that the president of the United States was held to a higher standard of conduct and the American people would demand the nation’s leader immediately answer for these disgusting actions, leaving him with absolutely no recourse but to resign from office. “Oh my god, I can’t imagine how bad it would be. The U.S. populace would never stand for something like that. If anything, the country would unite against a serial harasser. I would be raked through the coals for it, shunned forever from public life.” Trump added that luckily no women ever accused him of such depraved behavior during his campaign because, if they had, he most certainly would never have been elected president.
Congressman Checks In Real Quick With Ethics Office To Make Sure Pressing Exposed Penis Against Intern Doesn’t Constitute Sexual Harassment #~# WASHINGTON—Acknowledging in advance that it was probably a silly question, Virginia congressman John Whitlock reportedly checked in real quick Friday with the Office of Congressional Ethics to make sure pressing his exposed penis against an intern doesn’t constitute sexual harassment. “Sorry if it’s the most obvious thing to ask about, but it’s cool if I suddenly unzip my pants and press my erection against a female intern’s body, right?” asked Whitlock, adding that he felt like he knew the answer already, but wanted to confirm, just to be safe, that laying his engorged penis upon the shoulder of an unsuspecting 19-year-old as she took notes in his office constituted “kosher workplace behavior.” “I know pinching her ass when I pass by and coming up from behind her to rub her shoulders is acceptable, but I don’t want to cross a line or anything, especially in this climate. Again, I’m sure it’s fine, but I just thought I’d do my due diligence and run it by you guys.” At press time, the ethics office was packed with dozens of other congressmen who had similar concerns and said it couldn’t hurt to double-check.
Paul Ryan Announces New Congress Sexual Harassment Training Will Create Safe Work Atmosphere, Plausible Deniability #~# WASHINGTON—Following testimony by female lawmakers alleging widespread sexual misconduct throughout Capitol Hill, Paul Ryan announced Thursday that Congress will undergo new sexual harassment training to create a safe work environment and plausible deniability. “This comprehensive three-hour course is designed to promote a healthy workplace where women feel protected and ensure our hands are clean when senators or representatives are accused of sexual assault,” said the speaker of the House, noting that the mandatory training sessions would teach legislators how to recognize sexual harassment and provide the tools needed to brush off claims against individual congressmen. “This is a long-overdue step in covering our asses and also making sure the House and Senate are safe places for women to work. Once everyone has completed the training, we’ll be able to confidently claim we’ve done our most basic due diligence as new allegations surface.” At press time, Ryan was asking low-level staffers not to sign their bosses’ names to the training sign-in sheet if they were not actually present. 
How To Be A Savvy News Consumer #~# With more people getting their news through social media and a crowded field of news outlets competing for web traffic, it can be difficult to know which sources to trust. Here are some tips for being a savvy news consumer.
Parents Gently Explain To Son Why Family Dog Had To Be Blown Up With Dynamite #~# SCOTCH PLAINS, NJ—Stressing they did all they could to make sure he was comfortably detonated, local parents Linda and John Crowley gently explained Friday to their son why the family dog had to be blown up with dynamite. “I’m sorry we have to tell you this, sweetie, but Rocky was old and in a lot of pain, so your father and I had to blow him up last night,” said Linda Crowley, who assured the 8-year-old boy that it was normal to feel sad or confused, adding that it was just the beloved German shepherd’s time to get obliterated to smithereens by a 1.5 ton blast of nitroglycerin. “Rocky was fairly out of it and didn’t seem to know what was happening, so we were extra gentle when strapping the sticks of dynamite to him. We loved Rocky, too, so please know we would never have let him suffer during the three seconds that elapsed during the explosion.” The parents reportedly went on to explain to their son that Rocky was in several better places now.
FDA Approves First Digital Pill #~# The FDA has approved Abilify MyCite, a capsule which uses a tracking system to record whether it was ingested, making it the first digital pill to be approved in the U.S. What do you think?
Obamas Reunited Live On TV For First Time Since Leaving White House #~# BURBANK, CA—Not having appeared together publicly since they said goodbye to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. back in January, the Obamas reunited for a live hour-long TBS primetime event Friday for the first time since leaving the White House. “Now, Barack, what if I told you that backstage I had some very familiar faces that you haven’t seen in some time—c’mon, let’s bring them on out!” said host Mario Lopez, as Michelle, Sasha, and Malia Obama stepped onto the set and waved to the live studio audience before walking over to the couch and taking turns politely hugging each other. “We’re so lucky to have everyone back together again! But before we get into what you’ve all been up to since the presidency ended, let’s take a look back at some of our favorite moments from the eight unforgettable years you welcomed America into your home.” At press time, the camera cut to dogs Bo and Sunny sitting in the audience after Lopez asked, “Hey, wait a second, aren’t we missing some folks?”
Frustrated Man Can’t Believe He Can Still Hear Construction Worker Hammering His Wife At This Hour #~# FRANKFORT, KY—Wondering if he’d even get a minute of sleep with all that racket, local man Ted Hinze told reporters Friday that he can’t believe he can still hear a nearby construction worker hammering his wife at this hour. “Christ, it’s past ten o’clock and this asshole is still going at it,” said an exasperated Hinze, adding that, despite the fact that he’d started hours ago, it didn’t sound as if the worker was even close to finishing. “I mean, it’s nonstop. The guy doesn’t even take a break. He’s already woken up my two kids. I should probably walk over and say something, but you know he’s not gonna stop until he’s good and ready.” Hinze went on to say that the situation was far more manageable last summer, when the construction worker had pretty much finished for the day by the time he got home from work.
Democrats Call For Convincing Amount Of Condemnation For Al Franken #~# WASHINGTON—In response to radio personality Leeann Tweeden’s allegations of being inappropriately groped by Al Franken during a 2006 U.S.O. tour, Democratic Party leaders issued calls Thursday for a convincing amount of condemnation for the Minnesota senator. “I urge my fellow Democrats to renounce Senator Franken’s unacceptable behavior in the absolute most plausible way,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, adding that he hadn’t ruled out taking steps to eventually look into the matter. “It’s imperative that we unequivocally go through the motions of rejecting any and all forms of sexual misconduct, and I’m confident that all Democrats will join me in denouncing the senator’s actions in the strongest believable terms.” Schumer also said that party leaders would remain steadfast in their lip service even if additional Democrats were accused of sexual assault.
NASA Launches First ‘Space Nation’ Into Orbit #~# 18,000 people who applied to be citizens of the space nation “Asgardia” launched their personal data into orbit on a NASA rocket this week in hopes of inspiring future space settlers. What do you think?
Buyer Of $450 Million Da Vinci Painting Sort Of Assumed It Would Come With Frame #~# NEW YORK—Saying auctioneers at Christie’s had not been totally forthright, the undisclosed buyer of $450 million Da Vinci painting Salvator Mundi told reporters Thursday that the purchase was made under the assumption that the work would come with its frame. “I just kind of figured when I shelled out close to half a billion dollars for the Old Master’s painting that the frame would be included,” said the anonymous buyer, admitting that the gold-stenciled frame that displayed the Renaissance painting at least partially accounted for the record-breaking bid. “When I decided to purchase the painting, it seemed obvious that I’d be getting the complete package. But after the auction, they just handed me this painted wood panel with nothing around it. What a ripoff.” At press time, the buyer was perusing Target for a frame with the right dimensions to fit the 500-year-old work.
Confident Philadelphia Officials Preemptively Raze Center City To Make Room For Amazon Headquarters #~# PHILADELPHIA—Convinced they will win the highly competitive contest to host the e-commerce giant’s new offices, optimistic local officials have preemptively razed Philadelphia’s entire Center City district to make room for Amazon’s second North American headquarters, sources said Thursday. 
Bar Table Scientists Awarded 4-Beer Grant To Complete Analysis On Why He’s Not Good Enough For You #~# SCOTTSBLUFF, NE—Saying they could now fully explore their hypothesis that you deserve way better, scientists at the corner table of Marty’s Pub received a four-beer grant Thursday to complete their analysis on why he’s not good enough for you. According to the researchers, the much-needed infusion of alcohol will enable them to definitively prove that he doesn’t treat you right and that this relationship needs to end now because he’s all that’s holding you back from being happy. With the data evaluated, the bar table scientists told reporters that they could then offer recommendations for applying their research, including going on a date with Marc, who’s really great even if he’s a little awkward. At press time, the scientists’ groundbreaking study had earned them a prestigious award for being the best fucking friends anyone could have, which also garnered them a generous four-shot prize.
Kid With Massive Head Probably Psychic #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—Saying there was no chance a cranium like that held an ordinary brain, sources told reporters Thursday that local boy Joshua Baker’s massive head indicated he had psychic powers. “There’s no way a kid with that humongous skull can’t do all kinds of crazy shit with his mind,” said neighbor Marcy Engel, adding she was nearly certain that the child could at any point enter her thoughts simply by concentrating so hard that the veins on his gigantic dome started pulsating. “Seriously, he could probably throw a car just by staring at it and lifting his chin or make your head explode just by putting his fingers up to the temples of that humongous thing.” Engel went on to say she wouldn’t be surprised if the kid learned to teleport or even time travel since it didn’t seem like that enormous head of his would be done growing anytime soon.
NFL Announces Plans To Stream ‘Thursday Night Football’ Exclusively On Delta Flights #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to continue delivering games to viewers in new and innovative ways, the NFL announced plans Wednesday to begin streaming “Thursday Night Football” exclusively on Delta flights. “We are thrilled that NFL fans will now be able to enjoy the excitement of ‘Thursday Night Football’ exclusively through Delta’s in-flight streaming services,” said NFL spokesperson Joe Willard, adding that access to every Thursday game can be purchased for a small fee of $2.99 per hour, and will be available on all of Delta’s domestic and international aircraft. “Delta Studios is an industry-leading platform that reaches football fans across the country, and the seat-back screen is a perfect broadcast medium for the NFL. All any fan needs to do is buy a domestic flight ticket, board the plane, swipe their credit card, and then sit back and enjoy that’s week’s Thursday night matchup.” Willard added that “Thursday Night Football” streaming would be blacked out on any flights with fewer than 40 viewers.
Bill Gates Invests $80 Million In Arizona ‘Smart City’ #~# Bill Gates has invested $80 million in a proposed “smart city” near Phoenix, AZ, which will be designed from the ground up to incorporate technologies like autonomous vehicles. What do you think?
Hollywood Removes Statue Of Louis B. Mayer Beckoning Judy Garland To Sit On His Lap #~# LOS ANGELES—In response to recent sexual misconduct allegations against prominent figures in the industry, Hollywood officials reportedly ordered Thursday the removal of a controversial statue depicting Louis B. Mayer beckoning the actress Judy Garland to sit on his lap. “Hollywood is proud of its history, but unfortunately, this statue no longer coincides with the principles that we as an industry would like to represent,” said Hollywood Chamber of Commerce chair Arnold Slavens, adding that the statue featuring the famed film producer and MGM studio executive lasciviously gesturing to the young, concerned-looking starlet to sit on his open knee would be taken down later this afternoon. “Like the famous Hollywood sign or the stars on the Walk of Fame, this statue was a proud, popular symbol for the film industry. For a long time, when people thought of Hollywood, they immediately thought of a powerful male figure sexually preying on the vulnerable. We think times have changed.” Slavens added that the committee was already planning on replacing the statue with an equally impressive monument celebrating Hollywood’s strong tradition of forcing aging actresses out of the industry.
Florida School Selling Bulletproof Panels For Backpacks #~# As a means of protection against school shootings, a Miami elementary school is selling bulletproof panels for students’ backpacks for $120. What do you think?
Man At Job Interview Praying He Isn’t Asked About 2-Year Gap In Résumé When He Was Abducted By Aliens #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Concerned that the span of unemployment on his résumé could be a liability during an upcoming job interview, local man Erik Hunt said Wednesday that he desperately hopes he isn’t asked about the two years he was out of the workforce because he was abducted by aliens.
Nutritionists Recommend 3-4 Daily Servings Of Anything That's About To Go Bad #~# ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to help Americans get the most out of every meal, nutritionists at the Mayo Clinic on Wednesday recommended three to four daily servings of anything that’s about to go bad. “Having found many American diets severely lacking in food on the borderline of being expired, we’re now suggesting three to four servings each day of items such as leftovers that have maybe one more night left in them,” said researcher Gail McLeod, adding that appropriately altering one’s diet could be as simple as eating cereal with milk that smells sort of funky but was still probably okay and topping it with slices of iffy, but still technically edible, overripe banana. “You don’t have to turn your eating patterns upside down. Just make a habit of dipping chips in browned guacamole that’s likely decent once you scrape off the top, or mix in some wilted, limp lettuce along with other greens in your salad.” McLeod went on to say, however, that moderation was still essential and that fresh bread should be consumed in addition to bread with the blue-green mold sliced off of the crust.
New Babysitter Can Already Tell This Kind Of Kid Who Gets Naked For No Reason #~# WAYNE, PA—Knowing what she was in for within minutes of meeting the 5-year-old, local babysitter Hannah Leeds told reporters Wednesday that she could already tell that Jackson Keller was the kind of kid who suddenly gets naked for no reason. “Yeah, I know the type—the second you look away, he’ll have his pants down to his ankles and be zipping across the living room, just wait,” said Leeds, adding that she’d babysat enough kindergarteners to know which ones were likely to stand on the couch and, apropos of nothing, proudly display their genitals. “You can see it in his eyes. He’s just biding his time until the mood strikes, which could be now or in 10 minutes or when I think he’s asleep. But mark my words, I guarantee he’ll be peeling off those pajamas and making a break for it.” At press time, Keller had begun to doubt her instincts before seeing the fully nude child bolt out the front door and race down the driveway.
Arguments For And Against School Uniforms #~# While some argue that school uniforms eliminate distractions and help students focus on learning, others believe that a strict dress code stifles students’ self-expression. The Onion breaks down the arguments for and against school uniforms.
Archaeologists Unearth Earliest Known Shithole Located Super Far From Everywhere #~# DAMASCUS—Saying they couldn’t imagine how any ancient people could put up with a place like this, a team of archaeologists announced Tuesday that they had unearthed the earliest known shithole located super far from everywhere. “From the pathetic ruins that we’ve uncovered thus far, this dump dates back to approximately 2000 BCE and was at least a thousand miles from pretty much anything important or halfway interesting,” said Dr. Olivia Duffy, adding that an analysis of preserved footprints and skeletal remains seemed to suggest that anyone who could migrate elsewhere did so, leaving only total loser townies to dick around and throw their lives away. “We found really no signs of culture at all, just a few crude dwellings, pottery shards we think belonged to jugs of alcohol, and what we suspect might have been a dirt field for doing doughnuts in ox carts. All we know for certain is that this was truly the armpit of the Fertile Crescent.” Duffy went on to say that the only writing sample found at the site was a clay tablet with cuneiform script that roughly translated to “Fuck this place.”
Disney Announces New ‘Star Wars’ Trilogy, Live-Action Series #~# Disney has announced plans for a new trilogy of Star Wars films to come out next decade, as well as a live-action series in the near future. What do you think?
Unpaid Garment Workers Hide Pleas For Help In Zara Clothing #~# Zara workers in Turkey tagged clothes they were making with messages claiming they had not been paid in months, in the latest controversy for a brand notorious for its labor practices. What do you think?
Staffers Frantically Trying To Restore Chaos To White House Before Trump Returns From Asia Trip #~# WASHINGTON—Knowing that the commander-in-chief will be able to tell if there’s even a single thing in place, sources confirmed Tuesday that aides were frantically trying to restore chaos to the White House before President Trump returned from his 12-day diplomatic trip through Asia. “We have to make sure that everything is in just as much disarray as it was when he left, or he’ll be furious,” said White House aide Jeffrey Bertram, who told reporters he had spent all morning scattering highly sensitive documents throughout West Wing offices and hallways while other staffers hastily re-smeared ketchup on the Resolute desk and made sure the bust of Winston Churchill was once again lodged in the toilet tank of the guest lavatory off the Diplomatic Reception Room. “Fuck, I knew we shouldn’t have gone nuts with letting the place function while he was gone. I mean, we can fill the bathtubs with candy wrappers, rip up the carpets, and jam swords in the walls for a thousand years, but he’ll still notice that one thing that looks just a little bit organized. We are so dead.” At press time, a panicked Bertram had squirted the Oval Office drapes with lighter fluid and barely had them reignited when the president stepped into the Entrance Hall.
Adrenaline Supply Intended For Lifting Car Off Loved One Called Upon To Carry 4 Grocery Bags At Once #~# MARIETTA, GA—Infusing his muscles with sudden and desperately needed power, the adrenaline supply of local man Simon McManus intended for lifting a car off a loved one was called upon Tuesday to carry four grocery bags at once. According to sources, McManus’s adrenal gland flooded his system with the stress-triggered hormone as he hoisted the four bags from his trunk, providing him with the same elevated strength that he might otherwise use to free a small child that had been pinned under the very same vehicle. Reports confirmed that, without the adrenaline surging through his veins in the same way it would have if he needed to clear away a thousand pounds of twisted metal that was crushing a family member, McManus would never have been able to carry the heavy sacks containing milk, fruit, and laundry detergent up two flights of stairs and into the kitchen. At press time, the effects of the adrenaline had worn off, and a depleted McManus reportedly lay on the couch clutching a pack of Oreos as he might collapse near the mangled ruins of his car and cradle his rescued daughter.
I Never Would’ve Founded Microsoft If I Hadn’t Dropped Out Of College And Tortured The Guy Who Originally Had The Idea #~# We often tell our young people that if they want to succeed, college is essential. The only way to move up in the world, we say, is to take out thousands of dollars in loans and earn a degree. But the truth is, there are many paths to success, and they don’t all involve higher education. Take my own case, for example. I never would’ve started Microsoft if I hadn’t quit school and then tortured the person who came up with all the ideas for everything we did.
Tom Brady Admits To Playing With Matt Ryan’s Chip On Shoulder #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Explaining that he draws inspiration from the Atlanta Falcons signal caller, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady told reporters Tuesday that he continues to play the game with Matt Ryan’s chip on his shoulder. “When I hear people say Matt isn’t a proven winner and that he collapses in big moments, it just makes me want to work that much harder,” Brady told reporters, adding that the doubters who say Ryan is just another modern quarterback with gaudy numbers and no championships are what motivate him to show up to the practice field first and leave last. “I hear all the sports-talk pundits and newspaper headlines criticizing Matt every time I work out, and those are the things that keep me going when I’m feeling tired or want to quit. In a way, I’m almost thankful for all the people who say Matt can’t be the best.” Brady went on to add that whenever he needs a little extra motivational boost, he recalls how Ryan probably felt after blowing a 25-point lead in Super Bowl LI to the Patriots.
Justice Department Allegedly Demands Sale Of CNN #~# The Department of Justice has reportedly demanded Time-Warner sell off CNN before merging with AT&T, a move some have attributed to President Trump’s anger at the news network. What do you think?
Jared And Ivanka Holding Each Other At Gunpoint In Kitchen After Simultaneously Revealing Undercover Identities #~# WASHINGTON—Both shouting “FBI, you’re under arrest!” as they grabbed hidden pistols from behind the refrigerator and the back of the pantry, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump were reportedly holding each other at gunpoint in their kitchen Monday after simultaneously revealing their undercover identities. “I’m afraid you’re the one under arrest, sweetheart,” said Ivanka, as she and her husband warily circled the marble-topped kitchen island with their FBI badges held out and their weapons lethally trained on one another. “How about you just come quietly? If only one of us is getting out alive tonight, it’s not gonna be you.” At press time, authorities were reportedly leading the couple away in handcuffs after both were apprehended by Barron Trump, who had been tracking them undercover for the FBI for more than a year.
Networks Cut Ties With Louis C.K. Over Harassment Allegations #~# After a New York Times article accused Louis C.K. of multiple instances of sexual harassment, which C.K. later confirmed, several networks and studios have canceled projects with the comedian. What do you think?
Roy Moore On Pedophilia Accusers: ‘These Women Are Only Discrediting Me Now Because Shifting Sociocultural Norms Have Created An Environment In Which Assault Allegations Are Taken Seriously’ #~# MONTGOMERY, AL—Waving off the current allegations against him as vicious attempts to sabotage his election bid, Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore told reporters Monday that the women accusing him of pedophilia were only doing so now because “shifting sociocultural norms have created an environment in which assault allegations are taken seriously.” “These women have had 30 years to come forward, and the one and only reason they’re speaking out now is because they suddenly have less fear that their lives will be utterly destroyed,” said Moore, adding that the women accusing him of sexually pursuing them as teenagers were just several of many “jumping on the sexual assault bandwagon these days” in light of meaningful systemic change and the fact that society would no longer immediately discredit them. “My accusers are nothing but slandering opportunists taking advantage of the deteriorating influence of the patriarchy that has traditionally silenced any woman who makes such claims. If the American public at large had not finally begun truly hearing victims and decided that enough was enough, I guarantee that these women would never have had the audacity to accuse me of such heinous crimes.” Moore went on to say that he would nevertheless continue his run for the Senate despite the charges against him because while the norms had shifted, they had not shifted nearly as much in Alabama.
Study: 90% Of Bike Accidents Preventable By Buying Car Like A Normal Person #~# WASHINGTON—Saying it was a simple but effective measure to reduce potentially deadly incidents, a study published Monday by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration found that 90 percent of bike accidents could be prevented by buying a car like a normal person. “Our data confirm that the vast majority of cyclist injuries can be avoided simply by driving an automobile instead of biking around like some weirdo,” said lead researcher Dr. Laura Gafferty, adding that while bicycle riding was perfectly acceptable for children under 12, it was not recommended for any actual grown-up who wasn’t competing in the Tour de France or similar event where it wasn’t completely ridiculous. “Regular people drive cars because it’s the normal and not the abnormal thing to do. If every cyclist purchased and operated a car like you’re supposed to as an adult, bike fatalities would drop an estimated 40 percent within six months alone.” Gafferty went on to say that people who biked for exercise should consider driving to a gym and using a stationary bike facing a wall of televisions like everyone else.
‘Just Take It Slow, And You’ll Be Fine,’ Drunk Driver Assures Self While Speeding Away In Stolen Police Car #~# ATLANTA—In an effort to avoid arousing any suspicion, drunk driver Jeff Macklin reportedly assured himself while speeding away in a stolen police car Monday that he would be totally fine if he just took it slow. “All you gotta do is take this nice and easy, and everything will turn out A-okay,” said the inebriated Macklin, who carefully checked the rearview mirror as he peeled out in the police cruiser and gunned it down the highway. “As long as you keep an eye on the speed limit and stay in the right lane, no one will be any the wiser. Just remember to signal and check your blind spots for any oncoming traffic. You got this.” At press time, Macklin told himself to just stay calm and pretend like nothing was wrong after crashing the cop car into the front of his house.
How To Make A Difference #~# Volunteer at the local park district. Planting a single tree can remove up to 30 Frisbees per year from the atmosphere.
Facebook Asks For Users' Nude Photos To Combat Revenge Porn #~# A new Facebook initiative asks users to share their own explicit photos with the site so it can recognize the images and prevent someone else from maliciously posting them in the future. What do you think?
Steven Spielberg Recalls Coming To Blows With E.T. On Film Set #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying it was by far the most unpleasant directing experience of his career, Steven Spielberg recalled Monday coming to blows with E.T. on the set of the 1982 film E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial. “I know a lot of people love the movie and love E.T., but working with him almost killed me,” said Spielberg, adding that the film’s star was “an absolute nightmare” from the first day of production, refusing to take direction, changing lines at random, and driving several of the movie’s child actors to tears with his unpredictable and often cruel outbursts. “We only mixed it up physically once or twice, but having to deal with his megalomania is the whole reason I’ve only worked with CGI aliens since then. Seriously, the day he finally got back on his spaceship and left Hollywood forever was the happiest of my life.” Spielberg went on to say that, in contrast to his experiences with E.T., he jumped at the chance to film a sequel with the Jurassic Park dinosaurs, with whom he remains close to this day.
Fox News Struggling To Attract Younger 60-75 Demographic #~# NEW YORK—Frustrated over its inability to penetrate the more lucrative market, Fox News is struggling to attract viewers in the younger 60-75-year-old demographic, sources reported Monday. “Despite pulling big numbers with the 76-to-90 crowd, there’s a lot more we can do to draw in that coveted 60-to-75 audience,” said Fox News acting CEO Rupert Murdoch, adding that the company’s long-term health was in jeopardy if it didn’t revitalize its aging viewer base by appealing to younger, more hip seniors. “Even throwing in references they’re familiar with, something fresh like Sha Na Na or the Smothers Brothers can help. Maybe we could try to get the remaining members of Peter, Paul, and Mary to do an ad spot for us. God, how does TCM make it look so easy?” Murdoch admitted that hiring practices at Fox News may have played a part in the network’s troubles, as programming has traditionally not been entrusted to anyone in late middle age. 
Stadium Crowd Unsure When It Okay To Sit After Honoring WWII Veteran #~# BUFFALO, NY—Fearful of disrespecting the 91-year-old former naval aviator, the crowd at Ralph Wilson Stadium was reportedly unsure when it was okay to sit after honoring a WWII veteran before Sunday’s Bills game. “The speech is over and the applause are dying down, but he’s still hanging around out there,” said spectator Josh Bray, 27, echoing the sentiments of the roughly 60,000 fans struggling to determine if the man being recognized for his service in the Battle of Midway had stopped waving because the ceremony was over or simply because he was tired. “I think he’s starting to head off the field, so I guess I’m going to sit.” At press time, the seated crowd quickly panicked after the smiling, waving veteran was put back up on the jumbotron after reaching the sideline.
Toddler Scientists Finally Determine Number Of Peas That Fit Into Ear Canal #~# NEW YORK—After years of speculation and countless failed experiments, leading toddler scientists announced Friday that they had finally determined the exact number of peas that fit into the ear canal. “Until today, it has been widely understood that only four peas could be stuffed into one’s ear, but our research has conclusively shown that was a conservative estimate,” said Dr. Audry Plodtz, 2, adding that several toddler test subjects demonstrated the ear capacity to insert up to six peas and that the number increased considerably if the peas were mushed beforehand. “On the other hand, our work upheld the conventional wisdom in another respect, as we were able to confirm that peas jammed in the ear canal taste just as good, if not better, once retrieved.” Dr. Plodtz cautioned, however, that the study only addressed one specific scenario and did not necessarily apply to how many corn kernels fit up a nostril.
Area Man Afraid Some Woman Might Come Out Of The Woodwork To Hold Him Accountable For Something #~# CHICAGO—Worrying that he could be caught off guard anywhere, at any time, area man Dan Moritz on Friday was reportedly afraid some woman might come out of the woodwork to hold him accountable for something. “I’m honestly starting to get a little freaked out that a woman could, out of nowhere, start demanding that I take responsibility for something that I absolutely did,” said Moritz, adding that he had no way of knowing if the woman who would suddenly hold him responsible for his actions would be a female friend, coworker, or even a woman he met only once at a party. “I can’t shake the fear that, one day, I’m just minding my own business when I’m blindsided by a woman who’s spent possibly years building up the courage to confront me with something horrible that was definitely my fault.” Moritz went on to say that while he was anxious, all he could do was hope for the best and just keep living his life as he always had.
Twitter Suspends Verification Process Over White Nationalist Scandal #~# Twitter has temporarily stopped verifying prominent accounts after users complained about the site awarding a verification badge to an outspoken white nationalist. What do you think?
Neither Boss Nor Employee Paid Enough To Deal With Each Other #~# AUSTIN, TX—Simultaneously lamenting that “it’s every day with his bullshit,” both marketing analyst Evan Hall and his boss Jason Reade told reporters Friday that neither is paid enough to deal with each other. “I am definitely not getting enough money to show up at the office and put up with an asshole like this,” said Hall of his manager, who expressed the same exact sentiment verbatim regarding his employee before each independently voiced identical frustration about the other’s “gross incompetence” and “unbelievable fucking attitude.” “I’m going to need a serious raise if I’m gonna be expected to keep working with this piece of shit. Seriously, have you seen my paycheck?” At press time, both Hall and Reade were relieved of having to deal with each other by upper-level executives who fired them both.
Donna Brazile Says Hillary Rodham Clinton High Palace Of The Solar Order Was Almost Like A Cult #~# WASHINGTON—Providing a glimpse into the difficulties of working within the organization during the 2016 presidential campaign, Democratic political strategist Donna Brazile told reporters Thursday that the Hillary Rodham Clinton High Palace Of The Solar Order was almost like a cult. “From the very beginning of the presidential race, the Hillary Rodham Clinton High Palace Of The Solar Order created a kind of insular environment that really didn’t tolerate the questioning of her absolute authority over all beings and things,” said Brazile, adding that the Order was often plagued by a cult-like atmosphere surrounding its anointed leader, especially in Clinton’s edict that she was always to be referred to by a 12-word formal title and the mandatory practice of all members gathering in the sweat lodge to zealously repeat “I’m With Her” for five hours every day. “Things got fairly weird around the primaries, when we had to take a vow of silence, and whenever she left the holy lair, everyone had to bow their heads and avoid looking at her as a sign of divine respect. And there was never really any effort within Order to offer dissenting views, especially after Hillary ordered Robby Mook to be shackled and displayed on one of the H altars as a warning to troublemakers.” Several reports indicate that Brazile was last seen being swarmed by a gang of purple-hooded assailants and thrown into the back of an old campaign bus emblazoned with a High Palace Of The Solar Order emblem. 
Tips For Writing Your College Admissions Essay #~# With applications due in just a few months, students are scrambling to write essays that showcase their academic prowess and personalities. Here are some tips for writing a great college application essay.
Amazon In Talks For ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Streaming Series #~# Warner Bros. and Amazon are in talks with author J.R.R. Tolkien’s estate about creating a series based on The Lord Of The Rings novels. What do you think?
Disney Ends L.A. Times Ban After Backlash #~# After boycott threats from multiple publications, Disney ended its ban forbidding The Los Angeles Times from attending press screenings over a critical article. What do you think?
Entirety Of Hollywood Film Industry Replaced With 40,000 Christopher Plummers #~# LOS ANGELES—In the wake of numerous sexual misconduct allegations against prominent figures in Hollywood, the entire film industry will reportedly be replaced by 40,000 Christopher Plummers, sources said Friday. “Going forward, veteran actor Christopher Plummer will write, direct, and star in every movie we make and is currently working with us to reshoot hundreds of features already in production,” said studio executive Christopher Plummer, adding that the entire history of film would eventually be altered with Christopher Plummers swapped in for the roles and also feature revised credits to reflect the fact that Christopher Plummers performed every behind-the-scenes task. “We’ve got Christopher Plummers serving as sound designers, foley artists, background extras, hair and makeup, key grips, and even craft services. To be honest, this was long overdue.” At press time, Plummer had been forced to resign after allegations of sexual harassment from five other Christopher Plummers surfaced. 
Obama Sinks Family Savings Into Developing Presidential Tabletop Game #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the financial risks and hours of hard work would pay off in the long term, former president Barack Obama revealed Thursday that he has sunk his entire life’s savings into the development of a tabletop game based on the American presidency.
Report: Album As Good As ‘Sgt. Pepper’ Comes Out About Once Every Month #~# BOSTON—Dispelling the widely held notion that musical work of such a high caliber is uncommon, an analysis by Boston University music historians published Thursday found that albums as good as Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band are actually released about once a month. “Although the iconic Beatles record has reached a level of acclaim that seems untouchable, it appears that albums equally as groundbreaking reliably come out about 12 times every single year,” said lead author Regina Dirks, adding that since the most popular Beatles album was released in 1967, almost 600 albums of comparable quality and creativity have also been produced. “From folk to jazz, rock to hip hop, we have seen records with songs just as innovative as ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’ or ‘A Day in the Life’ roughly once every four weeks. Frankly, it’s disappointing that people have glorified Sgt. Pepper to the detriment of all of these other astonishing releases.” Dirks went on to say, however, that there still hasn’t been anything made that is nearly as pioneering or essential as 1996’s Turn the Radio Off by ska band Reel Big Fish.
Doctors Discover Purpose Of Appendix Is To Contain Human Soul #~# BALTIMORE—Running counter to the generally accepted theory that the organ is merely vestigial, doctors at Johns Hopkins University said Wednesday that the purpose of the appendix is actually to contain the human soul. “After decades of presuming that it no longer had any real function, we were shocked to discover that the appendix is in fact the body’s one and only vessel for a person’s eternal spirit,” said Dr. Helen Kimbrel, adding that while the small abdominal organ is now believed to house a human being’s very essence, it may also have had a dual function millions of years ago of helping hominids digest leaves and tree bark. “And far more than a mere inflammation, it appears that diseases like appendicitis are actually a corruption of the everlasting soul we are all imbued with at birth. As we continue to find out more about the appendix, we may in fact learn that it’s one of the few truly indispensable organs.” Dr. Kimbrel went on to say that despite this new knowledge, there was nothing that could be done to fix the soulless automatons who have already had their appendixes surgically removed.
Quick Scan Of Room Confirms Area Man Once Again Sweatiest Person Present #~# GAFFNEY, OH—Unable to find comparable levels of perspiration among any of the other attendees of the office happy hour, a quick scan of the room confirmed Thursday that area man Drew Robart was, once again, the sweatiest person present. “Well, big surprise, looks like I’m the only person here who’s visibly drenched,” Robart reportedly thought to himself, brushing away the damp hair that was matted to his forehead in order to verify that no one else had dark, wet patches all over their shirt as a result of having sweated entirely through their antiperspirant. “I don’t see anyone else rolling up their sleeves or fanning themselves, and I definitely don’t see pit stains like I’ve got going. Maybe some of these people have sweat accumulating in the small of their back like I do, but I can only assume it’s just me. Yet again.” At press time, Robart was glumly calculating how long it was until summer, when he’d have a slim chance of at least being the second-sweatiest person present.
Scientists Discover ‘Void’ In Great Pyramid #~# Using advanced radiography, scientists have located a previously undiscovered void in the upper reaches of Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Khufu. What do you think?
Pope Francis Pardons Those Who Dodged The Draft During Crusades #~# THE VATICAN—Centuries after they evaded conscription for military campaigns to the Holy Land, Pope Francis officially pardoned all Christians who dodged the draft during the Crusades, sources reported Monday. “Although we certainly don’t endorse their actions, enough time has passed that these men should be granted forgiveness, and the remaining stigma on their descendants lifted,” said the pontiff, offering amnesty for the approximately 12,000 deserters who avoided the draft by either faking bubonic plague, falsely confessing sodomy, or fleeing north to modern-day Sweden. “It is now time to heal the wounds of history and make a fresh start, because continuing to harbor a grudge for nearly a thousand years benefits no one.” The pope went on to say that Christendom had in fact been strengthened by its current all-volunteer holy warrior army, which would undertake any future Crusades.
Transgender Heavy Metal Singer Elected In Virginia #~# Journalist and heavy metal vocalist Danica Roem became Virginia’s first openly transgender legislator Tuesday by defeating Republican incumbent Robert Marshall. What do you think?
Hanes Apologizes, Pulls T-Shirts From Shelves After Seeing How Local Man Looks In Them #~# WINSTON-SALEM, NC—Saying they deeply regretted their role in his unsightly appearance, clothing manufacturer Hanes apologized and pulled all their T-shirts from shelves Wednesday after seeing how local man Brian Armstrong looked in them. “All of us at Hanes are truly sorry these tagless cotton tees were allowed to go to market when it was immediately clear from looking at Mr. Armstrong that they simply didn’t pass muster,” said CEO Richard A. Noll, adding that the company was offering a full refund not only to Armstrong, but also to anyone else who might have seen him in the shirt. “The awkward fit and unflattering proportions that you see on this man are not what this company stands for. Please know that we are currently in the process of a top-to-bottom redesign, and I can personally assure you this type of oversight will never happen again.” At press time, Hanes promised to accelerate production of the improved T-shirts after horrified onlookers noticed Armstrong no longer had anything to wear.
‘Any Song Can Be Sad If It Has Sad Memories Attached To It,’ Report Newly Single Sources #~# NEW YORK—Saying that even the most upbeat tunes could bring one down under the right conditions, newly single sources told reporters Monday that any song can be sad if it has sad memories attached to it. “Sometimes the songs that used to make you the happiest are now the songs that hurt most, you know?” said a teary Ted Villaire, 38, tossing an old Blues Traveler CD in the trash because the song “Run-Around” now only makes him think of everything he had lost. “Sometimes you hear a song on the radio that has everybody else singing along, but you remember that’s what was playing in the coffee shop when she told you she wanted to see other people. Even something as fun as Weezer’s ‘Island in the Sun’ somehow reminds me that she’s gone and never coming back.” At press time, newly single sources were reportedly holed up in their rooms sobbing while listening to playlists they had once made for an ex.
How The World Has Changed Since Trump’s Election #~# The effects of Donald Trump winning the 2016 presidential election have been far-reaching and dramatic. On the one-year anniversary of the election, The Onion looks back at how the world has changed.
Doctors Warn Marshawn Lynch That Next Time He Goes Into Beast Mode Could Kill Him #~# OAKLAND, CA—Calmly reiterating to the incredulous Oakland Raiders running back that they were looking out for his best interests, doctors warned Marshawn Lynch Wednesday that the next time he goes into Beast Mode could kill him. “Marshawn, I know you’ve gone through most of your Beast Modes without incident, but now that you’re on the wrong side of 30, your body is screaming for you to stop,” said Raiders team doctor Warren King before attempting to comfort Lynch after the running back broke down into tears while assuring doctors he felt perfectly fine going into Beast Mode. “I know it may seem drastic, but every time you go into Beast Mode, you bring yourself one step closer to paralysis or even death. Marshawn, is Beast Mode really worth that much to you?” At press time, Lynch’s family and friends reportedly began organizing efforts to show the depressed running back that he can live a full life after Beast Mode.
Gender Inequality Worsened In 2017 #~# According to an annual World Economic Forum report, the extent by which women lag behind men in opportunities worsened for the first time ever in 2017. What do you think?
Nation’s Parents Announce They Have Zero Fucking Patience For This Bullshit #~# AKRON, OH—Refusing to put up with it for another second, the nation’s parents announced Tuesday that they have zero fucking patience for this bullshit. “We stand here today because we are about this fucking close to losing it and can’t deal with this shit right now,” said 47-year-old Lisa Burgess on behalf of the country’s 45 million parents, adding that it’s not fucking cute anymore and they’ve had it up to here this entire goddamn day. “The time has come to just cool it for five goddamn minutes. The fact of the matter is we don’t have the energy right now, so we’d better not have to repeat ourselves, got it?” At press time, the nation’s parents suddenly snapped, “Okay, that’s it!” and abruptly ended the press conference.
Heaven Slides To Sixth Place In Annual Quality Of Afterlife Rankings #~# WASHINGTON—Dropping to its lowest position in thousands of millennia, the everlasting paradise of Heaven reportedly slid to sixth place in the 2017 Annual Quality of Afterlife Rankings released Tuesday. “For a long time, Heaven easily topped the list of places for souls to settle down after death, but it’s been steadily overtaken by afterworlds such as Valhalla, Nirvana, and even Aaru, the Egyptian Field of Reeds, which wasn’t even among the top 10 last year,” read the report, citing Heaven’s outdated firmament infrastructure and potholed clouds, aging and often dilapidated palaces infested with cherubs, and overall lack of opportunity that leaves perfectly healthy angels idly playing harps all day. “Interestingly, while Heaven continues trending downward, Hell—once widely considered to be too hot and demon-ridden to even be considered an option for eternity—has edged up to the 35th spot on the list, most notably for its addition of a scenic riverwalk.” Topping this year’s list was the blissful hereafter of Elysium, while being reincarnated and returning to Earth remained at the very bottom, a spot it has occupied since the rankings began.
Russell Westbrook Briefly Forgets How To Dribble After Thinking About It Too Hard #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Freezing in a moment of complete panic after receiving an inbounds pass during a game against the Sacramento Kings, Oklahoma City Thunder shooting guard Russell Westbrook told reporters Tuesday night that he briefly forgot how to dribble after thinking about it too hard. “I just really got in my own head and started second-guessing how I’m supposed to bounce the ball off the ground and back into my hand again,” said Westbrook, who admitted that he briefly even considered bending over and firmly pushing the ball into the ground with both hands. “When I realized just how automatic I’d been whenever I dribbled before, I just got freaked out even more. I’ve done it thousands of times, but the more I thought about how to dribble, the worse it got.” Westbrook then added that he hoped to avoid being asked to dribble anytime in the near future.
ACLU Defends Blogger Accused Of Defaming Taylor Swift #~# The ACLU has stepped in to defend the writer of a blog post implying Taylor Swift might harbor neo-Nazi sympathies, after Swift’s lawyers sent the blogger a cease and desist letter. What do you think?
While I May Disagree With His Choice Of Words, I Fully Support The President In Whatever It Is You’re Talking About That He Just Did #~# We all know the president has a personal style that can, on occasion, be less than delicate, even a bit abrasive. Remember, though, Donald Trump is new to governing. He may not be a polished politician, but I can assure you his heart is in the right place. And while I may disagree with his phrasing or approach in this particular instance, I still fully support him in whatever it is you’re talking about that he apparently just said or did.
Weak-Willed Coward Changes Opinion After Learning He Was Wrong #~# DULUTH, MN—In a shocking display of utter spinelessness, 33-year-old coward Benjamin Dyer gave in and changed his opinion just like that Monday after learning he was wrong. “You know, I think I’ve come around to your way of seeing things,” the weakling said, reportedly reassessing his viewpoint to accommodate new information like an unbelievable pussy instead of doubling down on his previously held belief like a real man. “No one likes to be corrected, but you really set me straight on a lot of stuff. Thank you.” At press time, the whimpering little puppy said he’d welcome the opportunity to continue the conversation further since he’d benefited so much the first time.
Squirrel Who Really Chunked Out Unable To Look Neighborhood Residents In Eye #~# GOLDSBORO, NC—Embarrassed by how much weight it had put on, a local squirrel who really chunked out was unable to look neighborhood residents in the eye, sources said Monday. “Ugh, I’m just going to avoid looking at anyone and try to reposition my tail so it covers up my gut,” said the eastern grey squirrel, adding that it didn’t think it could handle the judgmental stares from passersby when it struggled to get more than two feet up the side of a tree. “I already know what they’re thinking when I stop to catch my breath every few seconds when carrying an acorn, and I just don’t need that right now. I’m well aware of my appearance, and I’m working on it, okay?” At press time, the squirrel had retreated to the privacy of a tree hole so it could nibble on seeds without anyone noticing how tiny its arms looked against its enormous body.
‘Stranger Things 2’ Creators Say Keen Viewers Will Notice Twinge Of Disappointment Hidden In Every Scene #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying that eagle-eyed fans on social media had already pointed out several of them, the creators of Stranger Things 2 revealed Tuesday that keen viewers will notice twinges of disappointment hidden in every scene. “Not to give too much away, but be on the lookout for the tiny letdowns we snuck in almost everywhere,” said series co-producer Matt Duffer, adding that the highly anticipated sequel was jam-packed from start to finish with little frustrations the casual viewer may not notice. “We didn’t want every disappointment to be completely in-your-face. In fact, you may have to watch the season twice to catch everything that makes you wonder why you bothered watching in the first place.” Duffer also emphasized, however, that even viewers who completely miss the hidden disappointments could still watch the entire season and be thoroughly disappointed all the same.
Ozone Hole Smallest Since 1988 #~# The hole in Earth’s radiation-absorbing ozone layer has shrunk to its smallest size since 1988, which scientists credited to laws restricting ozone-depleting pollutants. What do you think?
Rogue Twitter Employee Briefly Deletes Trump’s Account #~# President Trump’s Twitter account was briefly shut down Thursday evening, which the site blamed on a rogue customer service employee in their last day on the job. What do you think?
Paul Ryan Quickly Runs Tweet About Texas Shooting Past Wayne LaPierre Before Posting #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to avoid a potentially disrespectful or insensitive response, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly quickly ran a tweet about the Texas mass shooting past Wayne LaPierre before posting the message, sources confirmed Monday. “Wayne, I understand that this is a delicate situation so I wanted to check to make absolutely sure you’re on board with this response before I send it out,” wrote Ryan, who pasted the 16-word draft urging Americans to send prayers to the people of Texas into an email for the NRA executive vice president to peruse and approve. “Obviously, I’d never want to write anything that might offend you or the National Rifle Association. If you don’t like the sentiment or there’s a different wording you’d prefer, just let me know and I can change it without delay. Also happy to provide a few options for you to select from if that would work better. Just let me know when you get a second.” After receiving LaPierre’s consent to post the tweet, Ryan reportedly assured the gun rights advocate that this would be his last public statement on the shooting. 
Nation To Wait For More Facts On Texas Shooting Before Doing Absolutely Nothing About It #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of a shooting in Sutherland Springs, TX that left at least 26 people dead and 20 wounded, the nation declared its intent Monday to wait for more facts on the mass slaughter before doing absolutely nothing about it. “We don’t want to jump to conclusions and get the facts wrong before we start ignoring it completely,” said Enid, OK resident Roger Benson, echoing the sentiments of 324 million other Americans who added they weren’t willing to do nothing whatsoever to address the country’s mass shooting epidemic until they learned more about the killer, including his possible connection to the church and his mental health background. “People have been speculating on social media, but that doesn’t do us any good unless we know the truth about his family life, and how and why he was able to acquire an assault weapon—otherwise, there’s just no way to neglect to address this shooting in the larger context of gun violence in America. We all need to take a deep breath, gather as much information as we can, and then sit with our hands folded indefinitely.” At press time, the nation conceded that even if a couple facts remained unknown, that shouldn’t stand in way of a concerted effort to simply wait for the next bloodbath.
Japanese Company Gives Non-Smokers Extra Vacation Days #~# A Japanese marketing firm is giving non-smoking employees six extra vacation days each year to compensate them for not taking cigarette breaks. What do you think?
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# SUTHERLAND SPRINGS, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed 27 individuals and seriously injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Kansas resident Britt Mulvanos, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Gothamist, DNAinfo Owner Shutters Sites After Vote To Unionize #~# News sites Gothamist and DNAinfo were abruptly shut down by billionaire owner Joe Ricketts this week, shortly after their New York staffs voted to unionize. What do you think?
Aides Gently Tell Trump He Can’t Bring All His Gold Lion Statues On Airplane #~# ‘Let’s Pick Out A Couple, Buddy,’ Says Kelly
Itinerary For Trump’s Trip To Asia #~# In what many are calling his most crucial international trip yet, Trump embarks today on an 11-day trip that will see him meeting with leaders in Korea, China, Vietnam, the Philippines, and Japan. Here is the schedule of events:
Pet Researchers Confirm 100% Of Owners Who Leave For Work Never Coming Back #~# WASHINGTON—Announcing their findings amongst a series of whimpers and yelps, pet researchers confirmed Friday that 100 percent of owners who leave for work are never coming back. “Our data show conclusively that every human who says they’re going to work is, in fact, gone forever the very moment they shut the door behind them,” said a West Highland terrier named Nugget, adding that the findings applied equally to trips to the grocery store or the movies, both of which represented a decision to leave and never return again. “In fact, any instance in which an owner scratches a dog or cat on its head and says, ‘Be back soon, buddy!’ before exiting the house is a certain indication that the animal has been left to fend for itself and will eventually die unloved beside its empty food dish.” At press time, an elated Nugget danced on his hind legs, reporting that 100 percent of owners who pull into the driveway at the end of the day came back for their pets after all.
White House Announces Obamacare Exchange Now Only Accessible From Single Kiosk In Remote Iowa Cornfield #~# WASHINGTON—Stating that the new system is pursuant with the regulations laid out by the Affordable Care Act, the White House announced Friday that the government’s health insurance exchanges would now only be accessible from a single kiosk in a remote Iowa cornfield. “All Americans wishing to sign up for health insurance through the marketplace will now be able to do so by accessing a terminal conveniently located in the middle of a 60-acre cornfield just two hours North of Des Moines,” said White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, adding that the lone kiosk, which stands among the tall corn stalks about 2,000 yards off an unmarked road, would be open weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. during the shortened enrollment period for anyone seeking to procure health coverage for 2018. “One kiosk centrally located in the United States will streamline the process of accessing the marketplace while also cutting costs. In just 135 paces northeast from the old tree stump in the middle of the field, you’ll be able to peruse the insurance options available for you and your family, except between noon and 3 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays when the system undergoes scheduled maintenance. We recommend signing up early for those who live out of state as flights to Des Moines are limited.” At press time, sources confirmed that the new health exchange kiosk was currently out of order after being run over by a combine harvester.
Man Resolves To Read The Wikipedia Tabs He Already Has Open Before Starting New Ones #~# HILLSBORO, TX—Stopping mid-click and forcing himself to finish the entry for Motown, local man Keith Hayes resolved on Friday to get through the six Wikipedia tabs he already had open in his browser before starting any new ones. “No, no, no. I can’t just keep firing up new tabs whenever something in the text seems interesting,” said Hayes, adding that the entry for The Funk Brothers would have to wait until he’d completed those for Agent Orange, Jim Thorpe, Pseudoscience, Machu Picchu, and The Gemini Program first. “I need to get it together and have some discipline. It’s already crowded up there. One or two more tabs, and I won’t even be able to see what’s what anymore.” At press time, Hayes had clicked a link under References and was sucked into an entirely new website.
U.K. County Bans Surgeries For Obese Patients And Smokers #~# In a controversial move, one United Kingdom county is restricting non-emergency surgeries for obese people and smokers until they improve their overall health. What do you think?
DNC Unveils Clinton Institute For Campaign Ethics Reform In Response To Corruption Allegations #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that the new organization would be aimed at upholding the political party’s standard of conduct and ideals, the Democratic National Committee unveiled Thursday the Clinton Institute For Campaign Ethics Reform in response to recent allegations of election rigging during the 2016 primary. “The DNC is taking these claims of misconduct very seriously, which is why we have founded, with the help of a generous $40 million donation from an anonymous benefactor, this new institute whose main focus will be to look into corruption claims like these,” said chairman Tom Perez, adding that a committee has been formed to review the party’s practices and will be led by former DNC chair and current democratic Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, who eagerly volunteered her services and intimate knowledge of the 2016 election. “The institute’s initial funding will go toward hiring numerous consultants, lawyers, and policy experts whose experience and advice will be essential in retooling the DNC to align with our value system as democrats and Americans.” At press time, the DNC announced plans to maintain the Clinton Institute’s independence by raising capital with several $30,000-per-plate fundraising dinners. 
Facebook, Twitter Executives Testify To Congress About Russian Election Meddling #~# Executives from Facebook, Twitter, and Google appeared before Congress this week to address their sites’ roles in facilitating Russian interference in the 2016 election. What do you think?
Beyoncé Begins Painful Surgical Transformation To Prepare For Role In Live-Action ‘Lion King’ Remake #~# NEW YORK—In a move that many observers say underscores her commitment to the part, Beyoncé reportedly began a painful surgical transformation Thursday in preparation for her role as the lioness Nala in the live-action remake of The Lion King. “It will take many intensive and frankly excruciating procedures before she gets to where she needs to be, but once the radical alterations to her bones, musculature, and skin are completed, you won’t even be able to tell that the big cat you’re looking at on screen is actually Beyoncé,” said plastic surgeon Dr. Scott Olmedo, adding that the process would begin with breaking and readjusting the pop star’s spinal column and pelvic bones to allow her to comfortably walk quadrupedally. “Once we’ve severed and reattached her muscles along her modified skeleton, we can then restructure her phalanges to function as paws, graft actual lion fur over the entirety of her flesh, and finally, once the swelling has subsided, implant the whiskers and tail.” Olmedo went on to say that he was confident the procedures would go more smoothly than they did for John Oliver, who is slated to play the bird Zazu and who contracted a severe infection after his body rejected its new beak.
Presidential Limo Guns It Around Corner In Attempt To Toss Robert Mueller From Roof #~# WASHINGTON—Swerving hard as it sped away down Pennsylvania Avenue, President Trump’s limousine reportedly gunned it around a corner and through the streets of the nation’s capital Thursday in a frantic attempt to throw special counsel Robert Mueller from its roof.
Kevin Spacey Responds To Assault Allegations By Seeking Treatment For Homosexuality #~# LONDON—Responding to multiple allegations of sexual misconduct, actor Kevin Spacey announced Thursday that he will immediately be seeking treatment for homosexuality. “In light of my prior actions, I am committed to getting the help I need to make sure that I’ll never be gay again,” said Spacey, adding that he was taking a leave of absence from all current projects to rehabilitate at a gay conversion therapy facility in Texas. “I have a lot of work to do, but I understand now that being gay is wrong, and I want to get better. I’ve come to terms with the fact that my past behavior hurt many people and that it’s never, ever okay to be attracted to men. I’m sorry.” Spacey went on to say that he hoped to resume his career once he had put his homosexuality behind him but understood if people chose not to forgive him.
Purina Debuts New ‘Slovenly Feast’ For Nasty-Ass Shelter Cats #~# ST. LOUIS—Offering more affordable fare for the animals rotting away in cages, Purina on Monday debuted new Slovenly Feast for nasty-ass shelter cats. “With the flavors these scraggly, half-dead felines have come to expect, Slovenly Feast is the perfect meal for shelter cats,” said spokesperson Linda Brashear, adding that the semi-liquid substance comes in Rancid Meat Mash, Fish Scales and Fiberglass Bits, and Savory Botulism in Gravy among others. “These meals are specially formulated to help keep the gross cats’ fur nice and patchy, with extra-fortifying fish bone fragments to ensure that the pus covering one of their eyes continues to glisten. Just open a can, dump it on the concrete floor, and let the unloved cats swarm the puddle. They’ll be yowling for more!” Brashear went on to say that the food was so delicious it was typically all gone before the rats could get to it later on.
Excitement Shifts To Concern After Coworker Brings Baked Goods Into Office For Fourth Consecutive Day #~# CHICAGO—Saying the desserts had begun to seem increasingly ominous, coworkers of Angela Shankman told reporters Thursday that their initial excitement had shifted to concern after their colleague brought baked goods into the office for the fourth consecutive day. “Don’t get me wrong, I love coming to work to find Angela’s freshly baked treats waiting for me, but after several days of this, you have to wonder if everything’s okay,” said Andrew Hastings, adding that he had been thrilled to see a tray of cookies sitting in the break room but has slowly grown more worried as brownies, cupcakes, pies, tortes, strudel, and rugelach subsequently appeared. “I tried asking her if this was from some big party she had recently, and all she said was, ‘No, I just wanted to make them.’ It’s certainly nice of her to do this, but, man, this can’t be a good sign, right?” At press time, Shankman’s coworkers grew even more alarmed upon receiving an email asking if anyone was vegetarian so she would know what type of lasagna to bring in for lunch tomorrow.
Tips For Getting Organized #~# Decluttering and getting organized can be one of the most beneficial things for productivity, and it can also give you more peace of mind. Here are some tips for getting and staying organized.
Study: Regular Pot Smokers Have More Sex #~# Stanford researchers found that people who smoke marijuana have sex more often than those who don’t, although the study didn’t a establish a cause for this trend. What do you think?
White House Staff Frantically Shredding Trump Campaign Aides #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to destroy as much incriminating evidence as possible following the indictments of Paul Manafort and Rick Gates, White House staffers reportedly spent Tuesday frantically shredding Trump campaign aides. “We should have done this months ago; we need to shred as many of these campaign aides as we can before Mueller gets his hands on them,” said senior policy advisor Stephen Miller, who directed employees to search the White House and hand over any damning campaign consultants while he manned the industrial shredder, stopping occasionally to un-jam the machine. “Oh god, there’s just so many of them. This could open us up to a lot of bad things. It’s gonna take all day to destroy the staffers we have here, plus there’s still a bunch in New York.” At press time, Miller reportedly started a bonfire on the South Lawn after deciding it would be much faster to burn the enormous pile of campaign aides his team had collected.
Houston Residents Admit World Series Win Won’t Heal Hurricane-Ravaged City As Much As Super Bowl Win Would #~# HOUSTON—The Houston populace admitted to reporters Tuesday night that the Astros’ World Series victory will not heal the hurricane-ravaged city quite as much as a Super Bowl win would. “This will do a lot for us, but to be perfectly honest, it’s not going to usher in the same kind of renewed hope and pride we’d get from watching J.J. Watt lifting the Lombardi Trophy in February,” said Houston resident Daryl Northrup, who echoed the sentiments of his fellow 2.3 million Houston residents by adding that, while he certainly appreciated all that the Astros had accomplished, seeing the team celebrate on the field was probably barely enough to get the devastated city halfway back onto its feet. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled we won. That being said, this is Texas, and when it comes down to it, a Super Bowl-winning touchdown is really the transformative sports moment that would truly bring the city together.” Houston’s residents then assured reporters that the World Series win would still go a long way toward getting hammered tonight.
Netflix Suspends ‘House Of Cards’ Over Kevin Spacey Assault Allegations #~# With multiple victims coming forward to accuse star Kevin Spacey of sexual assault, Netflix has indefinitely suspended production on ‘House of Cards.’ What do you think?
UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Is Immediately Suspending Production On Our Basketball Infographic Video Directed By Brett Ratner #~# CHICAGO—In light of recent developments, The Onion has made the difficult decision to halt production on an upcoming infographic video directed by Brett Ratner. The 30-second video, entitled “5 Things To Know About The 2017-2018 NBA Season,” would have featured several stock images paired with interesting facts about professional basketball chosen by Mr. Ratner, and it would have appeared in the upper-right corner of our website throughout the month of November. Although we had greatly looked forward to working with Mr. Ratner in coordinating different text and image transitions for the project, the choice of The Onion’s board of directors to immediately cut all ties with Mr. Ratner was unanimous, despite having already invested significant time in selecting the royalty-free instrumental score for the video. The Onion has no further comment at this time.
UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Has Halted Production On Our Travel Tips Video Narrated By Jeremy Piven #~# CHICAGO—In light of recent developments, The Onion has made the difficult decision to halt production on an upcoming travel tips video that would have been narrated by Jeremy Piven. The 45-second video would have featured Mr. Piven’s pre-recorded voice placed over still images of vacation spots as well as text bullet points. Although we had greatly looked forward to working with Mr. Piven reading practical travel advice from a script in one take, the choice of The Onion’s board of directors to immediately cut all ties with the actor was unanimous, despite having already completed pre-production on the $10 million video. The Onion has no further comment at this time.
‘The Onion’ Is Canceling Our 15-Second Web Video Featuring Kevin Spacey #~# CHICAGO—In light of recent developments, The Onion has made the difficult decision to halt production on an upcoming 15-second web video starring Kevin Spacey. The video, which would have featured Mr. Spacey speaking in front of stock footage of Chicago’s busy streets, was set to premiere in mid-2018 as an autoplaying post on our website. Although we had greatly looked forward to working with Mr. Spacey on this piece of sponsored content, the choice of The Onion’s board of directors to immediately cut all ties with the actor was unanimous, despite having already invested considerable time and resources in the project. The Onion has no further comment at this time.
Trump Boys Attempting To Tunnel From South Lawn To FBI Headquarters To Free Paul Manafort From Custody #~# WASHINGTON—Armed with all the special tools they’d need for the mission, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. on Wednesday were reportedly attempting to build a tunnel from the White House South Lawn to FBI Headquarters in order to free Paul Manafort from custody. “We’re gonna sneak into the jail from below, rescue him, and escape before the guards know what hit them,” said Eric Trump as he and his older brother sat on their hands and knees, scraping at the grass and dirt with soup spoons they had taken from the kitchen and a trowel they had found in the Jacqueline Kennedy Garden. “We’ll use the firecrackers to blow a hole in the floor of his prison cell. Then, once we’ve nabbed him, we’ll throw down thumbtacks behind us in case they try to chase us back to the White House. If we skip dinner, I bet we can make it there by nightfall, so we’d better get some snacks too.” Upon learning Manafort was placed under house arrest, the brothers reportedly abandoned their 4-inch hole in the lawn, but said they’d finish the escape tunnel next time the FBI kidnapped someone.
Office Bad Boy Sees Right Through Team-Building Exercise #~# SAN DIEGO—Calling the naiveté of the human resources coordinator “absolutely priceless,” office bad boy Ryan Millstein on Wednesday reportedly saw right through a series of team-building exercises. “They honestly believe I’ll learn to rely on my peers more after a few trust falls—that is so goddamn rich,” said the rebel, who stood, arms crossed, while his coworkers tossed around a bean bag and offered two truths and a lie about themselves upon catching it, thereby haplessly buying into the “entire fucking corporate charade.” “Am I really the only one who knows that the so-called strategic thinking skills of Zip Zap Zop are utterly worthless? Seriously, you have to be some kind of sucker to not realize that the Blindfolded Puzzle Challenge isn’t gonna teach you squat about collaborating to solve a complex problem.” At press time, Millstein was participating in a rousing game of telephone, which he insisted was for fun and not for any lessons about listening and communicating accurately.
Car Passengers Launch Urgent, Mid-Street Investigation Into Whether Woman In Parking Spot Coming Or Going #~# PHILADELPHIA—Craning for a suitable vantage point from which to observe their subject’s movements, local car passengers launched an urgent, mid-street investigation Wednesday into whether a woman in the parking spot they wanted was coming or going. “Her lights are on, but do you see which direction her car is moving?” asked lead detective Natalie Margulies, who, as another vehicle appeared in her rearview mirror, conducted a hurried inspection of the driver’s body language only to hit a dead end, discovering the woman’s face expressionlessly staring at her cell phone. “Wait a second. She’s backing up now, but does that mean she’s getting ready to pull out or is she just trying to better align herself with the curb? That car behind me is breathing down my neck, but I don’t want to circle around the block again or we may lose this thing.” At press time, a passenger who had been dispatched to the woman’s window to squeeze her for information triumphantly reported that she spilled her guts and revealed she was just leaving.
Climate Change Threatening Global Coffee Crops #~# Scientists warn that climate change could devastate coffee crops worldwide, due to the extremely specific conditions required for the plants to thrive. What do you think?
Styrofoam To Spend Next 500 Years Reflecting On How Well It Protected Blender In Transport #~# NEW YORK—Having put in 46 hours of hard work as sturdy packing material, a local block of Styrofoam is about to spend the next 500 years reflecting on how well it protected a blender in transport, sources said Wednesday. “Hey, you know what, I did a pretty good job shielding that Vitamix during that three-day trip,” said the polystyrene shell that will sit for five centuries in a landfill until fully decomposed, a span of time it will reportedly spend looking back on how it prevented a kitchen appliance from getting too banged up in a UPS truck during a single shipment. “I got it from the warehouse to a residence two states away without a scratch, and now I think I’m entitled to just kicking back and savoring my accomplishment until the year 2500 at least.” The Styrofoam went on to say it was grateful to have so much time to swap stories about the shipment with the plastic sheet the blender had been wrapped in.
Single Woman Getting All Dolled Up To Watch Room Full Of People Make Out This New Year’s Eve #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Wearing a brand-new dress while carefully applying her makeup for the evening, local single woman Kelly Duval was reportedly getting all dolled up Sunday to watch a room full of people make out this New Year’s Eve. According to sources, Duval was going to great lengths to create big, bouncy curls in her hair to complement the bright, flirty red lipstick she was wearing so she’d look just perfect while observing happy couples embracing each other at the stroke of midnight. Knowing that she’d be standing off to the side and checking her phone as people all around her kissed someone special, Duval reportedly tried on three different pairs of shoes before settling on a comfortable but sexy black kitten heel. At press time, Duval had put on a gold braided choker and completed the perfect outfit for leaving the party early because she couldn’t bear to watch.
Pentagon Has U.F.O. Hunting Program #~# The Defense Department has been investing $22 million per year into investigating unidentified flying objects, a New York Times report found, contradicting government statements that the program was shut down in 2012. What do you think?
Twitter Begins Banning Threatening Accounts #~# Twitter began banning violent or abusive user accounts this week, including several notable white supremacists and leaders of the far-right. What do you think?
Woman On First Date Feels Like She Could Spend Whole Life In Uncomfortable Silence With This Man #~# NORWICH, CT—Saying he might very well be the one, area woman Bethany Han told reporters Friday that she could imagine spending her whole life in uncomfortable silence with the man she was currently on a first date with. “I know we just met, but there’s something about Bill that makes me feel like I could awkwardly sit with him in total quiet for the rest of my days, only intermittently making eye contact as we both wait for the other person to speak,” said Han, adding that she could easily envision herself anxiously passing the time at his side without any communication whatsoever until they were both old and grey. “Occasionally uttering a small comment to break the excruciating tension just feels so natural with him. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, but from the moment I laid eyes on Bill, I sensed that he could be the man I have nothing at all to say to, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” At press time, after several minutes more of unbearable wordlessness, Han was fully prepared to marry her date that very night.
Child Who Just Wanted Clothes Spares Uncle’s Feelings By Pretending To Like Xbox #~# HAVERHILL, MA—Doing his best to mask his disappointment that the package didn’t contain the cable-knit cashmere sweater he’d had his heart set on, local child Max Campbell reportedly spared his uncle’s feelings Friday by pretending to like the Xbox One X he received as a gift. “Thanks, Uncle Joe, I’ll definitely get a lot of use out of this,” said the 9-year-old who sources said had earnestly been hoping for a new pair of Dockers and a versatile button-down Oxford. “Oh, you can play 4K Blu-Rays on it too? That’s pretty cool, I guess.” At press time, a crestfallen Campbell was reportedly forcing a smile after tearing open a second, smaller present from his uncle to reveal a copy of Fallout 4 instead of quilted leather racing gloves.
Most Popular Passwords Of Year Include '123456' 'password' #~# According to a list compiled from leaked user data, this year’s most popular passwords include several perennial favorites such as “football,” as well as new passwords such as “starwars” and “iloveyou”. What do you think?
Report: More Americans Forced To Sell Gold Pocket Watch In Order To Afford Set Of Fine Combs For Wife #~# NEW YORK—Citing the limited household budgets of many young married couples, a new report published Friday estimates that more Americans than ever this Christmas will be forced to sell a gold watch inherited from their father in order to buy a set of fine combs for their wife’s beautiful hair. “Wages have remained flat while the cost of living has increased, a combination that could leave holiday shoppers in a bind as they attempt to find a gift that befits a woman whose cascade of shining brown hair is the envy of queens,” said economist and report co-author Jay Dillingham, adding that retailers have given no indication they plan to offer any discounts this season on lavishly bejeweled combs of pure tortoiseshell. “Especially in major cities, where workers are spending even more of their income on rent than in the past, we can expect to see a growing number of steadfast and honorable husbands pawning an heirloom pocket watch, one that has been in their family for generations, in order to purchase a rare and elegant gift worthy of their true love’s exquisite locks.” The report went on to say that, in some cases, Americans may even have to hock their antique whalebone-and-silver walking sticks for the woman they cherish above all others.
FDA Approves Gene Therapy For Inherited Blindness #~# In a breakthrough in biomedicine, the FDA has approved a gene therapy for inherited blindness. What do you think?
It’s A Sad State Of Affairs When We Can’t Even Refer To Every Holiday As Christmas #~# I’ve had it up to here with people trying to censor our nation’s most sacred traditions. In the name of so-called “inclusivity,” they go tearing up what remains of our Christian roots, making regular, everyday Americans like me feel like outcasts. It’s time for this sacrilege in our public lives to stop. Lately, it’s gotten to where we’re not even supposed to refer to all of our holidays as Christmas anymore.
Paul Ryan Confident American People Will Warm Up To Tax Plan Once They Realize Life A Cruel And Meaningless Farce #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the current disapproval would soon give way to support, House Speaker Paul Ryan was confident Thursday that the American people will warm up to the new tax plan once they realize life is a cruel and meaningless farce. “Although it may not be very popular now, I’m certain that Americans will come around to this new system when they begin to understand the ruthless absurdity of existence,” said Ryan, explaining that once taxpayers see that there is no objective moral framework in the unforgiving chaos of the universe, they will learn to appreciate what this bill actually does. “I think many voters will find a lot in this tax overhaul that they can embrace when it finally dawns on them that they have no agency and it’s futile to resist entropy. We just need to keep hammering home to average folks that our time here on Earth is a joke with no punchline.” At press time, Ryan said that once Americans accepted the brutality and pointlessness of life, they’d be just as amenable to gutting Medicare.
Man Wondering When ‘Ocean's 8’ Trailer Going To Show Film’s Protagonist #~# VALDOSTA, GA—Growing increasingly frustrated as he watched the clips on his laptop, local man Terry Waskin on Thursday was reportedly wondering when the Ocean’s 8 trailer was going to show the film’s protagonist. “So far I see Sandra Bullock and the woman from Lord of the Rings, but who plays the main character?” said the visibly confused Waskin, adding that though the preview for the upcoming heist comedy had just 20 seconds remaining and had featured a series of supporting characters including one or more likely romantic interests, it somehow had yet to reveal who had the lead role. “James Corden definitely has a role, but he has to be some sort of comic relief sidekick. Why are they keeping the main guy such a secret? How will I know if I even want to see this movie if I don’t know who the star is?” At press time, Waskin had decided that the identity of the protagonist must be part of a major plot twist and therefore couldn’t be revealed in the trailer.
Crazed, Froth-Mouthed Mother Demands Grandchildren Now #~# LAS CRUCES, NM—Snarling as she charged forward, crazed, froth-mouthed local mother Donna Gibson demanded grandchildren right now, sources reported Thursday. “I want precious grandbabies now! Now! Now! Now!” shrieked a wild-eyed Gibson into the face of her son and daughter-in-law as she lifted them up by their collars above broken glass and an overturned kitchen table. “You’re going to give them to me! No more waiting! Do it now!” At press time, Gibson was nuzzling her newborn granddaughter as the baby’s parents watched from a safe distance.
Fox News Ends Year With Top Ratings #~# In spite of a year marred with scandal, Fox News has received top ratings for a news network in both overall viewership and the coveted 25-54 demographic. What do you think?
Everyone In Sporting Goods Store Looking For Something To Get On Stepson’s Good Side #~# SANTA CLARITA, CA—Intently scanning the aisles for something that might convince the children they were okay guys after all, every customer at Dick’s Sporting Goods on Thursday was reportedly looking for something to get on his stepson’s good side. “Let’s see, Brandon’s got a Dodgers poster in his room so maybe a hat?” said Greg Burrows, one of roughly 45 other men shopping for something in the $20 to $30 range that they could toss around, wear to a game, or inflate in the backyard the next time the boy was staying at his mother’s house. “Yeah, I’ll bring this over and give this to him as a kind of peace offering. That should do the trick.” Sources later confirmed that each of the men had returned their purchase after the stepsons received better gifts from their real dads.
Disney Debuts Animatronic Donald Trump In Hall Of Presidents #~# Walt Disney World has reopened its popular Hall of Presidents attraction with a robotic Donald Trump, who recites a special speech recorded by the 45th president himself. What do you think?
Study Finds Fewer Millennials Want To Live #~# WALTHAM, MA—Signaling a major shift in demographic preferences, a study published Wednesday by Brandeis University found that fewer millennials want to live. “In contrast to previous generations that regarded living as a core part of their identity, millennials as a whole seem indifferent or even highly resistant to it,” said lead author Ellen Towey, attributing the change in mentality among those born between 1980 and 1995 not to laziness or insufficient effort on their part, but rather a pervasive feeling that living is simply no longer within reach. “Despite seeing their parents and grandparents live for years, millennials are often so pessimistic about their own prospects for existence that many have lost interest in walking the earth altogether.” Towey went on to say that without adequate opportunities to live at present, some millennials are in the meantime exploring more viable alternatives.
Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class #~# WASHINGTON—Grinning proudly as blood gushed from his victim’s windpipe, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly slit an auto mechanic’s throat Wednesday to kick off the GOP purge of the working class. “With our tax reform bill giving us the mandate we have long desired, there’s nothing stopping us now—commence the bloodletting!” said Ryan, holding up the lifeless body of the local blue-collar worker as blood from his severed arteries sprayed reporters gathered at the press conference. “Now we can finally experience the sweet release of all our pent-up hatred of the parasitic working class without fear of punishment or retribution. The blood of the filthy proletariat will flow in the streets, and the families of truck drivers, nurses, and retail employees all over the nation will know our wrath. No one making under $50,000 a year is safe. Today, the American economy will be put back on the right track, and the liquidation begins!” At press time, blood-drenched Republican senators Bob Corker and Lisa Murkowski were seen sprinting into a Baltimore Walmart wielding machetes.
Cardinal Law Canonized Following Miracle Of Escaping Criminal Prosecution #~# VATICAN CITY—Telling reporters that the former Boston archbishop had met the requirements for sainthood, the Roman Catholic Church announced Wednesday that Cardinal Bernard Law would be posthumously canonized following the miracle of escaping criminal prosecution. “After a thorough investigation by the Congregation for Cause of Saints, we have determined that the Cardinal’s evasion of culpability was so extraordinary as to represent an intercession of God’s will into earthly affairs,” said Vatican spokesman Greg Burke, noting that Law had demonstrated the required heroic virtues of faith and charity through decades of effort working to save pedophile priests’ careers and reputations. “The Blessed led a life of such obvious merit that Pope Francis has opted to waive the traditional five-year waiting period, and will immediately inscribe his name in the Canon of Saints.” Burke went on to say that the requirement for a second miracle had been met by Law’s inexplicable and uncontested ascension through the upper echelons of the Catholic Church.
GOP Leaders Celebrate Decisive Win Over Americans #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of the $1.5 trillion tax bill’s historic passage in both the House and the Senate, GOP leaders reportedly celebrated Wednesday their decisive win over everyday American citizens. “This is a monumental victory not only for us, but for everyone struggling under the reign of the average American,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, adding that party leaders made a promise to “take a stand against ordinary U.S. citizens,” before cracking open a bottle of champagne and proudly declaring that “today, we delivered.” “Of course, the fight against the people of this country is not yet over. We won this battle, but the war is still to come. However, if we carry on with the same vigor demonstrated today in our widely opposed tax overhaul, I know that we will prevail over Americans time and time again.” GOP leaders also expressed confidence that they would achieve another dominant victory over the American people as they push to close the deficit by cutting food stamp programs, Social Security, and Medicare.
Free Couch Sitting On Curb For Months #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Struggling to fathom why no one has yet claimed the perfectly good piece of furniture, local man Adam Ellery told reporters Wednesday that a free couch has been sitting on the curb near his apartment for months.
Area Man Stops Self After Eating 3 Advent Calendars #~# LUBBOCK, TX—Placing the remainder well out of sight where he wouldn’t be tempted, local man Ben Hart told reporters Wednesday that he finally managed to stop himself after eating three advent calendars. “I said I’d only eat one, but these things are so addicting that I just started popping them in my mouth without thinking,” said Hart, adding that while he felt a little sick after scarfing down the Lindt chocolates from two Santa’s workshop advent calendars, he couldn’t help but immediately move on to a calendar shaped like a Christmas tree. “Something about little chocolates behind little windows just makes me into some kind of animal. If I don’t stop myself, I could easily eat a couple dozen of these things.” At press time, a frenzied Hart had devoured the entire contents of a Nativity-themed advent calendar in under two minutes.
Scientists Say Japanese Monkeys Having Sexual Interactions With Deer #~# Researchers are struggling to explain adolescent female monkeys in Japan who have repeatedly engaged in unusual sexual behaviors, such as mounting sika deer and grinding their genitals against them. What do you think?
10-Pack Of Swiss Miss Bracing Itself To Shoulder Burden Of Holding Together Man’s Depressing Holiday Alone #~# YPSILANTI, MI—Preparing to bear the brunt of the lonely winter vacation, a 10-pack of Swiss Miss hot chocolate was reportedly bracing itself Monday to shoulder the burden of holding together local man Josh Hesford’s depressing holiday alone. “Okay, it’s just me and him for the holidays, but don’t worry, you got this,” said the box of instant cocoa packets with marshmallows, adding he was confident that at least one family member would come through with a card to help ease the load. “I don’t know how much of watching Christmas movies with this sad sack I’ll be able to take, but as long as I just stay strong and do what I need to do, this will all be over before I know it.” At press time, the depleted 10-pack was ready to give up on New Year’s Eve when a bottle of whiskey arrived just in time.
Pope Francis Celebrates 81st Birthday With Extra-Large Pizza Pie #~# Pope Francis reeled in his 81st birthday by blowing out a candle in a 13-foot-long pizza while surrounded by ailing children from the nearby Pediatric Dispensary of Santa Marta. What do you think?
Study Finds Chickens Would Have No Qualms About Caging, Eating Humans #~# MADISON, WI—Saying the animals would not pause for a second if given the chance, a new study published by the University of Wisconsin on Tuesday found that chickens would have absolutely no qualms about caging and eating humans. “All the evidence clearly suggests that chickens would absolutely stuff human beings into poorly ventilated cages and then eat them without any hesitation whatsoever,” said lead author Aliyah Carter, adding that the domestic fowls would not waver at all if the opportunity arose to cram people into windowless, disease-ridden coops and overfeed them to the point that their legs literally could not support their bodies. “Chickens don’t appear to have even the slightest aversion to pumping humans full of antibiotics and aggressively breeding them until they literally die from exhaustion. Simply put, they would be more than happy to grind us up and form us into patties, and would begin doing so at a moment’s notice if they could.” Carter went on to say that the findings support similar studies surveying animals such as cows, pigs, and fish, with only horses indicating that it was sufficient if humans were merely enslaved.
I Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Watch Another Brett Ratner Movie Again #~# As allegations of sexual misconduct implicate more and more powerful men in the film industry, it’s time for all of us to reflect on our own role in a culture that enables these predators. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve decided that I can no longer support the work of these individuals, even if they’re groundbreaking artists who’ve made enormous contributions to cinema. Sadly, that includes Brett Ratner, whose movies I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch again.
Man Worried New ‘Jumanji’ Movie Going To Ruin Memory Of Mediocre Afternoon In 1995 #~# BUTTE, MT—Concerned the remake would sully his recollection of a perfectly all-right moment from his childhood, local man Ian Cox was worried Tuesday that the new Jumanji movie was going to ruin his memory of a mediocre afternoon in 1995. “When this movie comes out, I’m scared that all of those unexceptional memories I have of that matinee in the mid-nineties will be forever tainted,” said Cox, recalling vividly what it was like seeing the action-fantasy movie during an elementary school birthday party over 20 years ago and leaving the theater thinking, “Eh, that was okay.” “I can remember it like it was yesterday. We took our seats, and when the lights lowered, I was suddenly transported to a completely different world just as I had dozens of other times with a bunch of other movies, some of which were way better. And now that’s being taken from me.” In protest, Cox later told reporters he would forgo seeing the new film in favor of reliving that unremarkable day by watching the original.
Russian Agent Disgusted With Things He Forced To Do To Pass Self Off As Reddit Commenter #~# MOSCOW—Uncertain how much longer his psyche could handle the unbearable conditions of the operation, Russian agent Aleksei Yelizarov told reporters Tuesday that he was disgusted with the things he is forced to do to pass himself off as a Reddit commenter. “God, if I have to blend in again by responding to a social justice warrior with threatening pictures of dead babies, I’m going to throw up,” said Yelizarov, adding that his years of espionage training never prepared him to defend the concept of pedophilia tooth-and-nail in a forum titled “Women lie for attention” under the incel subreddit. “Honestly, I haven’t slept much since posting the nudes we hacked in our smear campaign against that female journalist. God, I really didn’t want to email her pictures of Jews in Nazi gas chambers either, but it was the only surefire way to stave off suspicion about my identity.” At press time, Yelizarov had decided he couldn’t take it anymore and decided to return to his old job of torturing dissidents.
Final Season Of 'House Of Cards' Will Star Robin Wright  #~# Netflix announced this week that the final season of House of Cards will be refocused to feature female lead Robin Wright in the starring role, a move that comes after cutting ties with Kevin Spacey over numerous sexual assault allegations. What do you think?
Prego Marketing New Marinara As ‘The Premiere Sauce For The #MeToo Moment’ #~# CAMDEN, NJ—Touting the product as a zesty addition to any meal that also perfectly fits the present cultural revolution, Prego announced Thursday that their new marinara is the premiere pasta sauce for the #MeToo Moment. “With its perfect balance of vine-ripened tomatoes and savory Italian seasonings, #MeToo Marinara is the only pasta sauce that takes a stand with the brave women speaking out against unacceptable sexual conduct in our society,” a Prego press release read in part, adding that the pasta sauce comes packaged in a 24-oz jar with labels honoring leaders of the movement such as Rose McGowan and Ashley Judd for launching a long-overdue reckoning with workplace harassment and consent. “Whether you’re enjoying it over bucatini or layering it in a pan for perfect baked ziti, the moment you experience this sauce’s tangy bite, you’ll know you’re eating in solidarity with every woman and man who joined this cultural watershed and declared enough is enough to systemic sexual harassment and toxic masculinity—Mama mia!” The company also recommended that customers visit Prego.com for Italian recipes such as “Carbonara d’Consent” and “Male Privilege Primavera.”
'The Last Jedi' Has Second-Biggest Opening Of All Times #~# Star Wars: The Last Jedi has already grossed $450 million, putting it at the second-largest opening of all time, directly after its predecessor The Force Awakens. What do you think?
Area Man Remembers Less Politically Correct Time When Christmas Was About Honoring The Glory Of Saturn #~# HOLLISTER, CA—Longing for the days when people understood the true meaning of the holiday, area man Steve Rocha told reporters Monday that he remembers a less politically correct time when Christmas was about honoring the glory of Saturn. “It was the one time a year when families would gather round the altar and sacrifice a suckling pig to the god who ruled in the Golden Age, but nowadays you have to act like you’re ashamed of that,” said 41-year-old Rocha, adding that people used to be allowed to openly celebrate the agricultural deity with a sumptuous public banquet and copious amounts of gambling and debauchery without being accused of some sort of religious intolerance. “You can’t even say io Saturnalia anymore without the PC police biting your head off. Boy, the days when you could spend Christmas serving your slaves as if they were your masters in an evening of fun role-reversal are long, long gone, I’m afraid.” At press time, Rocha was lamenting the fact that the holiday cups at Starbucks had not a single traditional image of Saturn devouring his own newborn children.
Robert Mueller Ascends Into Sky With Umbrella After Trump Family Promises They Learned Lesson About Honesty  #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that each of them would always have a place in his heart, special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly ascended into the sky with an umbrella Monday after the Trump family promised they had learned their lesson about honesty. “And now, my dear friends, it is time for me to leave you,” said Mueller, opening the large umbrella he had pulled from his magical brief bag and slowly rising into the air as the Trump family tearfully waved goodbye and assured the special prosecutor that the valuable wisdom he had bestowed upon them through song and enchanted adventures would never be forgotten. “I must go and teach other little boys and girls about the importance of always telling the truth. Remember, Trump family: Honesty is the best policy.” At press time, the Trump family was reportedly making sure to cover up any evidence of having any knowledge or understanding about morals and consequences. 
Boss’s Sexual Harassment A Lot More Cautious Lately #~# MEMPHIS, TN—Noticing a marked difference in the way he conducts himself in the workplace, sources reported Monday that local boss Eric Reinhardt’s sexual harassment has been a lot more cautious lately. “It definitely seems like he’s been far more careful with all of his inappropriate sexual behavior around the office,” said employee Yvette Coleman, explaining, for example, that Reinhardt has cut down on brazenly groping her in favor of simply letting his fingers discreetly brush up against her in the hallway or the elevator. “He used to corner me in the break room and straight-up ask me how often I masturbated. Now he’ll just smirk and ask me if I’m willing to go ‘the extra mile’ for a promotion or leer at me from a short distance and mutter something unintelligible but obviously filthy under his breath. Oh yeah, this guy’s scared, no question.” At press time, Reinhardt stopped himself before texting a picture of his penis to his assistant, instead taking the precaution of printing it out and showing it to her in person.
92% Of Area Woman’s Holiday Recipes Involve Pulverizing Bag Of Oreos #~# MANISTIQUE, MI—Saying it was hard to imagine her Christmastime treats without the ingredient, area woman Geena Wolferman confirmed Monday that 92 percent of her holiday recipes involved pulverizing a bag of Oreos. “My go-to dessert is this chocolate pudding pie with an Oreo crust that absolutely everyone loves,” said Wolferman, describing just one of the ways in which an entire 14-ounce bag of the sandwich cookies is smashed into tiny chips and then incorporated into 9 out of 10 of the dishes she prepares for the holidays. “Another favorite of mine is taking two bags of crushed Oreos, rolling them into little balls, and then dipping them into melted chocolate. Sometimes I also throw a handful of those on top of this special cookies-and-cream ice cream cake I make by folding Oreo crumbles into vanilla ice cream and layering it with rows of Oreo pieces.” At press time, Wolferman was pounding furiously on a bag of Oreos to place in a bowl just in case someone wanted to add some extra crumbs.
‘Man Flu’ May Be Real Disease, Scientist Says #~# New research in the British Medical Journal suggests that “man flu”—a term describing the tendency of men to exaggerate flu symptoms—may have a medical basis in testosterone suppressing the immune system. What do you think?
Stepson Absolutely Nailing Jeopardy Category About Third Reich #~# EDMOND, OK—Amazed at how quickly the boy had answered four consecutive questions, local man Kevin Gibson said Monday that his stepson was absolutely nailing the Jeopardy! category about the Third Reich. “Wow, Kyle just rattled off the name of the Nazi Party anthem like it was nothing,” said a stunned Gibson, adding that the 17-year-old not only knew the exact date Lithuania surrendered Memel to Germany, but he also responded lightning-fast the very second Alex Trebek finished reading the clue. “The first question was kind of easy, but then there was one about some random concentration camp in Poland, and instantly he was just like, ‘Oh, that’s Majdanek.’ Meanwhile, all three contestants just stood there like there was no way anyone was gonna know this.” At press time, Gibson thought his stepson had finally guessed wrong, only for the show to issue a correction minutes later.
Astronomers Scan Mysterious Interstellar Object For Signs Of Extraterrestrial Life #~# SETI scientists are looking for signs of alien technology on a mysterious object that they believe came from beyond our solar system—the first of its kind to be observed—which has baffled researchers with its probe-like cylindrical shape and lack of any comet-like tail. What do you think?
Historians Uncover Evidence Stonehenge Once Prominent Druid Make-Out Spot #~# CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND—Contradicting previous theories as to the purpose of the iconic monument, historians at the University of Cambridge suggested on Friday that Stonehenge was once a prominent Druid make-out spot. “While excavating in and around the site, we found a surprising number of Bronze-age belt buckles, pipes, lutes, and ceramic tankards, which we believe supports the idea of it being a popular place for Druids to take their dates far from the prying eyes of stern clan elders,” said Professor Duane Shelton, adding that his team had also uncovered a tablet inscribed with words in proto-Celtic that roughly translated to “Lovers’ Nest.” “There’s no question that the 13-foot-tall monoliths of Stonehenge would have provided ample privacy. It stands to reason that ancient couples may have retreated behind them and then leaned against them for some intense necking or possibly even a little heavy petting.” Shelton went on to say that the cracked skulls at the base of the pillars were likely those of intoxicated Druids who had climbed to the top on a dare.
Silicon Valley Startup Seeks To Change The Way Women Flee Tech Industry #~# SANTA CLARA, CA—Declaring that addressing the issue was a fundamental part of the new company’s mission, Silicon Valley startup DataKore said Friday that it was determined to change the way women flee the tech industry. “We’re absolutely committed to giving women all the resources and opportunities they need to leave immediately,” said president Gregory Richmond, adding that the company is sitting down with its female employees to determine what specifically would make them comfortable vacating not just their current position but also the entire high-tech sector. “It’s no longer enough to merely encourage women to abandon their professional aspirations—we have to install organizational practices that actively push them out. We need to build an entire culture of sexism, and, frankly, that starts at the top with me and the misogynist bullies I hire to help run the company.” At press time, female employment had already dropped by 60 percent, but Richmond hastened to add that that even one happily employed woman was too many.
Historians Still Unable To Determine How Americans Were Able To Build Hoover Dam #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA— Expressing continued bafflement at the practical knowledge and proficiency required to construct the massive structure, leading historians announced Friday that they remained unsure how Americans managed to build the Hoover Dam. “Decades into researching this tremendous feat of engineering, the question of how Americans ever mustered the ingenuity, determination, and resources to pull it off remains veiled in mystery,” said Harvard researcher Pritam Singh, noting that the enigmatic dam suggested Americans once possessed a level of competence, civic planning, and mastery of structural engineering far beyond what history would suggest. “We still can’t explain how United States citizens managed to handle tons of dynamite without blowing themselves up or causing the tunnels to cave in upon their own heads. This is the American people we’re talking about. There’s no evidence for how the people in this country worked and achieved such a challenging task without fucking it all up. Frankly, I’m beginning to think the answers may be lost to history.” Singh added that despite the questions surrounding the structure, he was intrigued by a recent theory suggesting the iconic dam was constructed by slaves.
Nation Dutifully Gets In Cars, Stands In Line, Watches New Star Wars Movie #~# WASHINGTON—The film’s official release having finally arrived, millions of Americans across the nation dutifully got in their cars Friday, stood in line, and watched the new Star Wars movie, The Last Jedi. “The latest installment in the Star Wars franchise is now in theaters, which is why I went to my local cinema, purchased a ticket for it, and viewed it with some friends,” said Pittsburgh resident Scott Lamont, one of millions of conscientious moviegoers who carried out their obligation to sit through a complete screening of the film, clap when the characters they liked appeared onscreen, and enthusiastically discuss what they had just seen with their companions as they exited the theater. “Having now watched The Last Jedi, I will proceed to post my opinions on Facebook and Twitter. Then, over the coming weeks, I will purchase merchandise connected with the movie both as holiday gifts for others and mementos for myself.” Lamont later confirmed that he also intended to carry out his responsibility to watch the next Star Wars film in 2019 and all subsequent releases.
CNN Investigating Reports Of Wolf Blitzer’s Highly Proper Sexual Conduct #~# NEW YORK—After a fourth woman stepped forward alleging that the journalist had engaged her in a respectful and entirely aboveboard romantic encounter, CNN announced Thursday that it would be launching a full investigation into reports of Wolf Blitzer’s highly proper sexual conduct. “I assure you that we are taking these women’s commendations very seriously,” said CNN President Jeff Zucker of the claims that the network’s lead anchor had had erotic, but always considerate, interactions with women deliberately well outside his department, making sure to receive enthusiastic consent at every step before ultimately bringing each of the women to a shuddering climax. “While some have said that Wolf’s thoughtfulness and generosity as a lover were something of an open secret at CNN, I want to assure the public that I was only made aware of these qualities very recently, after he voluntarily reported his newest relationship to Human Resources.” At press time, CNN had announced that, effective immediately, The Situation Room With Wolf Blitzer would be expanded to three hours per night.
Giant Penguin Roamed Earth Millions Of Years Ago #~# Scientists in New Zealand have uncovered the fossils of a 5-foot-9-inch-tall, 223-pound penguin, which they speculate lived on Earth shortly after the age of the dinosaurs. What do you think?
Eric Trump Hooks Donald Jr. Up To Xbox, iPad, Roomba To Practice Passing Polygraph Test #~# WASHINGTON—Instructing him to hold still while he connected the various wires, sources confirmed Thursday that Eric Trump hooked his older brother Donald Jr. up to an Xbox, iPad, and Roomba in order to practice passing a polygraph test. “We gotta do this a bunch of times because the machine can use your heartbeats to read your mind and tell if you’re lying or not,” said Eric, who taped USB and headphone cables to his brother’s chest and then directed him to rest one of his hands on the Roomba so it could detect any trembling caused by anxiety about not telling the truth. “Okay, I’ll monitor your brain on the iPad. If you have to fib, picture something nice while doing it because that will confuse the lie detector. Okay, first question: Are you a Russian spy?” At press time, Eric declared the results inconclusive after grabbing the Xbox controller and deciding to play Injustice 2 instead.
Omarosa To Leave White House #~# White House aide and former “The Apprentice” contestant Omarosa Manigault Newman will leave the White House effective Jan. 20, 2018. What do you think?
God Gets Celtic Cross Tattooed On Back #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying He had been meaning to get some fresh ink for a while now, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly got a Celtic cross tattooed on His back, celestial sources said Thursday. “This design carries a lot of meaning for me, and I’m really glad I could get my upper back tattooed with it,” said the Creator of All Things, adding that the classic depiction of a Christian cross would complement the matching tribal bands He had around His biceps. “Right now, I have to keep it under a bandage so it won’t get infected, but it’s looking really badass. Sure, I had a few drinks in me when I got it done, but all in all, I think it was worth a few hundred bucks.” At press time, the Lord was looking into new designs to cover up an old tattoo of Judas He regretted getting when He was younger.
Bob Iger Offers Rupert Murdoch One Night With Mickey Mouse In Exchange For 21st Century Fox #~# BURBANK, CA—Revealing that it was the provision that essentially sealed the multi-billion dollar deal, sources reported Thursday that Disney Company CEO Bob Iger offered Rupert Murdoch one night with Mickey Mouse in exchange for 21st Century Fox. “To help sweeten our $52.4 billion proposal, we offered Mr. Murdoch access to Mickey for a single-night encounter, which he eagerly accepted,” said Iger, explaining that after signing the deal, Murdoch was given the keys to a penthouse suite at the Hotel Bel Air, where he would find two complimentary bottles of Krug Champagne and a fully disrobed Mickey Mouse waiting for him. “Mr. Murdoch was very amenable to our overtures. He even offered to cut the sale price in half for an entire week of companionship, but we are steadfast in protecting the exclusivity of Mickey’s attention.” Iger went on to say that it was far easier to negotiate this deal than the one struck for Lucasfilm, for which George Lucas demanded an evening with all seven dwarfs.
Estée Lauder Expedition Stumbles Upon Frozen Remains Of Previous Party Sent To Retrieve Rare Moisturizing Herb In The Himalayas #~# MAKALU, NEPAL—After uncovering four corpses buried in snow along an icy mountain ridge, members of an Estée Lauder expedition said Thursday they had found the remains of a party lost decades ago while searching for a unique moisturizing herb thought to grow deep in the Himalayas.
Jeff Bezos Named Amazon Employee Of The Month #~# SEATTLE—Recognizing his professionalism and the extra effort he brings each and every day, Amazon announced Thursday that CEO Jeff Bezos was its latest Employee of the Month. “There are a lot of hardworking and talented folks who help make Amazon the success that it is, and Jeff is the perfect example of that,” said Amazon human resources administrator Cara Bowman, adding that, along with having his picture hang in the headquarters’ break room all month, Bezos will be awarded a $50 Target gift card. “Everyone knows Jeff is always coming in early and staying late to get the job done. He’s an energetic go-getter who’s a model to his colleagues, and we’re happy to reward him for all the valuable contributions he makes to the company.” Bowman went on to say that Bezos had also been Employee of the Month previously, in February 2011 and June 2003.
New ‘Star Wars’ Film Once Again Disappoints Die-Hard Nien Nunb Fans #~# BOSTON—Expressing frustration at the science fiction franchise’s repeated failure to deliver on their expectations, die-hard fans of Star Wars character Nien Nunb were once again disappointed by new film The Last Jedi, sources confirmed Thursday. “Christ, I came into Episode VIII thinking they’d at least delve deeper into his backstory as a Sullustan arms dealer, but mostly he’s just a blurry extra standing in the background,” said local fan Benjamin Waller, adding that it was an insult to devoted Nien Nunb fans for the movie’s creators to only include the alien pilot and Resistance member in a small fraction of the film’s 150-minute runtime. “When I first saw him onscreen, I thought, ‘Great, now the rest of the movie will really explore Nien Nunb’s motivations for convincing his race to join the Rebel Alliance.’ But then it just went back to Luke and Kyle Ren or whatever their names are. It’s like, who cares? Give us more Nien Nunb!” Waller added that despite his disappointment, he was confident that the film was just building anticipation for an entirely Nien Nunb-focused Episode IX.
Former Facebook Exec Says Website Tearing Apart Fabric Of Society #~# Former Facebook VP Chamath Palihapitiya revealed this week that he felt “tremendous guilt” for helping to build the website and believed it was tearing apart society through misinformation and “exploiting vulnerabilities in human psychology.” What do you think?
Report: GOP Tax Bill Supported By Majority Of Americans Currently Suffocating Wealthy Benefactor With Pillow #~# WASHINGTON—Citing robust support for its measures including a sharp reduction or outright repeal of the estate tax, a new report published Thursday revealed that the Republican tax overhaul is supported by a majority of Americans currently suffocating their wealthy benefactor with a pillow. “Both the House and Senate tax plans enjoy a healthy 87 percent approval rating among citizens whose hands are tightly gripping a pillowcase and firmly pressing it down over the face of a bedridden family member or patron until they stop struggling,” said lead author Alice Zarzycki, noting that nearly nine in 10 Americans whispering “shh, shh, sleep now” as their thrashing benefactor landed increasingly feeble blows to their arms and chest indicated that the proposed legislation would considerably improve their personal financial situation. “This level of support even outpaces that of other groups who have endorsed the tax plans, including Americans lying under a Rolls Royce clipping its brake lines or currently pushing their elderly charge’s wheelchair toward the edge of a tall spiral staircase.” Zarzycki went on to say that the 13 percent disapproval rate came primarily from Americans who had smothered their benefactor without first altering the will to name themselves as the sole heir.
Children Starting To See Through Dad’s Claim That DoubleTree Hotel Part Of Disney Resort  #~# ORLANDO, FL—Increasingly dubious that their lodging was in any way tied to the theme park experience, Larry Kostyk’s two children on Wednesday were reportedly starting to see through their father’s claim that the DoubleTree Hotel was part of the Walt Disney World Resort. “I dunno, we’re like half an hour away from the park, and this whole hotel seems like it could be pretty much anywhere,” said son Michael Kostyk, 12, adding that except for a few pamphlets he found for the Magic Kingdom in a lobby rack, there was no discernable Disney presence whatsoever. “Dad said the bus we got from the airport was a special Disney resort bus, but it stopped at a Residence Inn and a Best Western before it got to our hotel. And when I look out our room’s window, I can’t see Cinderella’s Castle or the Epcot ball. I think there’s a Lowe’s or something.” At press time, while his children’s backs were turned, Kostyk was hastily arranging silver dollar breakfast buffet pancakes to resemble a mouse.
Apple Acquires Shazam #~# Apple confirmed that it has acquired the music identification app Shazam for $400 million. What do you think?
DNC Takes Out Full-Page Ad Thanking Alabama’s Working-Class White Voters #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—In an effort to recognize the group’s pivotal role in helping elect Democrat Doug Jones to the Senate, the DNC took out a full-page ad Wednesday in The Birmingham News thanking Alabama’s working-class white voters. “To each and every white, working-class Alabaman who made their voices heard yesterday: We thank you,” read the advertisement in part, adding that Democrats were able to achieve the unimaginable in one of the most conservative states in the nation because “White Alabama believed in doing what’s right and turned out to vote like never before.” “You in the white working-class are the reason the Democratic Party took another step toward reclaiming government for all Americans. Caucasians, we will not forget you.” The ad went on to salute white working-class males as the most unsung heroes of all.
KitchenAid Unveils New All-Terrain Rolling Pin #~# BENTON HARBOR, MI—Calling the rugged utensil a necessity for those who bake as hard as they live, KitchenAid on Thursday unveiled its new all-terrain rolling pin. “The DuraDough rolling pin features a larger cylinder diameter lined with specialized treads to take on heavy-duty dough prep,” said company spokesperson Ted Fielding, adding that shock absorbers embedded in the handles ensure a smooth ride even over the roughest cornmeal lumps. “No other pin can maintain its traction in the most severe floured conditions while at the same time tackle focaccia like you’re rolling through phyllo. The DuraDough is also fully compatible with KitchenAid’s chain attachment to avoid getting stuck in gummier gluten-free pie crust.” Fielding went on to say that the long-lasting rolling pin will be good for over 50,000 miles of fresh pasta.
Bitcoin Surge In First Day Of Wall Street Trading #~# Bitcoin experienced a meteoric rise on its first day of trading, surging up 15 percent to $18,000 in its market debut. What do you think?
Baffled DNC Plant Roy Moore Not Sure What Else He Could Have Done To Defame Republican Party #~# HUNTSVILLE, AL—Scanning his mind for any minority groups he could have demonized more forcefully, Alabama Senate candidate and secret Democratic operative Roy Moore admitted Tuesday that he wasn’t sure what else he could have done to destroy the Republican Party’s reputation. “When Nancy [Pelosi] sent me here, I was convinced that revealing myself as a pedophile would be more than enough, but now I’m just at a loss,” said Moore, who admitted he thought DNC chair Tom Perez was going over the top by suggesting he say gay marriage had made the U.S. the source of all evil, but that didn’t even budge the polls. “I mean, I stood on a stage and wistfully recalled the era in which slavery existed in this country. What else am I supposed to do? I’ve been really digging deep to vilify the GOP and make myself unelectable, but I still might win.” At press time, Moore was kicking himself for not sabotaging himself more egregiously by claiming he supported a ban on assault weapons.
North Korea Claims Kim Jong-Un Can Control The Weather #~# North Korean state media claimed that Kim Jong-Un has the power to control the country’s weather after a blizzard temporarily stopped during his visit to the summit of Mt. Paektu. What do you think? 
Trump Dismisses Accusers As Women #~# WASHINGTON—In response to the 15 individuals who have come forward alleging sexual misconduct by the president, Donald Trump reportedly dismissed his accusers Tuesday as women. “Anyone can see that these disgraceful and false allegations are clearly coming from total, utter women,” said Trump, adding that those claiming he groped, fondled, and forcibly kissed them “absolutely know that they’re female” and that “everyone else knows they are, too.” “These are obvious women we’re dealing with, okay? Each and every one of them. It’s a shame that anyone can be such an undeniable woman and just get away with it.” Trump went on to say that many of the people supporting his accusers had no credibility either because they’re just as much women as the accusers themselves.
Report: More Elderly Improving Cognitive Function By Solving Murders #~# CLEVELAND—Saying the activity was proving highly effective at halting mental deterioration, a new report released Tuesday by the Cleveland Clinic found that a growing number of elderly Americans are improving their cognitive functioning by solving simple murders each day. “We’ve long known that it’s important to keep our brains active as we age, but we’re now seeing a host of benefits in people who regularly visit murder scenes and try to piece together the killer’s motive and by collecting bits of forensic evidence,” said lead researcher Dr. Mary Webber, who noted that in fMRI scans, adults 65 and over who spent at least three days a week swabbing discarded weapons for DNA samples to run through national crime databases showed more vigorous brain activity than those who didn’t. “Even spending as little as 10 minutes a day looking into the past of a shifty bellhop at a luxury hotel where an heiress has gone missing can delay the onset of diseases like Alzheimer’s or dementia.” Webber added that because older people are more prone to social isolation, it can also be helpful for them to get out of the house and hunt down the murderers themselves.
After The Election, We All Had To Change The Way We Approached Magic #~# The election on Nov. 8, 2016, served as a wake-up call to those in my profession. All through the campaign, we illusionists had continued to dazzle people with feats of magic and mystery, assuming that a man who openly mocked so many cherished American values would never become president. But he did. And we quickly realized that if our stage shows were to remain relevant in the age of Donald Trump, we would all have to rethink our approach to the craft.
Unpatriotic Man Does Not Maintain Erection During National Anthem #~# PHILADELPHIA—Brazenly demonstrating his near-traitorous contempt for his country, unpatriotic man Douglas Harlow on Tuesday reportedly failed to maintain an erection for the duration of the National Anthem. “Sorry, but he doesn’t deserve to call himself an American if he won’t keep his hard-on going for the entire song,” said nearby stadium attendee Rick Glasbergen, explaining that someone who truly loved the United States and everything it stands for would never let his penis go semi-soft while the “Star-Spangled Banner” played. “It’s bad enough that some of these athletes are totally flaccid in protest, but now even the fans can’t be bothered to stay sprung for two minutes? Well, I have red, white, and blue coursing through my willie, and if this guy doesn’t like it, he can just find some other place where his limp-dicked America-bashing is welcome.” Glasbergen went on to say that if the man couldn’t even maintain his erection, there’s no way he’d patriotically orgasm at the last triumphant note.
Pope Francis Suggests Changing Words To ‘Lord's Prayer’ #~# In a recent interview, Pope Francis suggested changing the words to the Lord’s Prayer in Italian and English, saying that the phrase “lead us not into temptation” incorrectly suggests that God tempts humans to do evil. What do you think?
Man Can’t Wait To Find Out If Millennium Falcon Gets Out Of That Tunnel #~# ALLENTOWN, PA—Expressing his excitement while watching the latest Star Wars: The Last Jedi trailer, local man Tim Abrams told reporters Monday that he couldn’t wait to find out if the Millennium Falcon gets out of that tunnel. “It would be such a bummer if it’s stuck in there for the whole movie,” said Abrams, who was looking forward to the starship “doing other stuff like flying through asteroid belts, shooting things, and landing different places.” “Oh my god, what if there’s a fork in the tunnel and then they can’t figure out which way they’re supposed to go? It stinks, because they’d probably miss all the good space battles.” At press time, Abrams was mentally preparing for the Millennium Falcon to not escape the tunnel after seeing Chewbacca scream. 
Time-Traveling Hillary Clinton Warns Self To Do Everything In Exact Same Way #~# HEMPSTEAD, NY—Bursting through the glowing space-time portal backstage just before the first debate of the 2016 presidential election, a frantic time-traveling Hillary Clinton reportedly warned her past self to do everything in the exact same way. “Listen very carefully because we don’t have much time: Make sure you do everything that you’re already intending to do,” said the future Clinton, passionately urging her year-younger self to execute her current campaign strategy precisely as planned. “Now this election is going to have a lot of unpredictable moments, but, no matter what, you must change absolutely nothing—remember, no matter what the end result, you did everything right.” At press time, present-day Hillary Clinton was being counseled by 2020 Hillary Clinton on the grave importance of not doing anything differently if she wanted to lose again three years from now.
Dictionary.com Names 'Complicit' As Word Of The Year #~# Dictionary.com has named “complicit” as the word of the year, citing a massive spikes in searches for the word after Ivanka Trump used this word in a CBS This Morning interview. What do you think?
MTA Officials Assure New Yorkers That Today’s Subway Will Run Just As Fucked Up As Normal #~# NEW YORK—In response to the pipe bomb explosion this morning at the Port Authority Bus Terminal, Metropolitan Transit Authority officials assured New Yorkers Monday that today’s subway will run just as fucked up as normal. “The MTA anticipates no changes to the regular amount of severe overcrowding and pain-in-the-ass delays that will infuriate the ever-living fuck out of you today,” said MTA official Derek Egger, adding that the citizens of New York City can rest easy knowing that their commute will be unremarkably shitty with the regular amount of excessive waiting times on platforms dangerously packed with hundreds of other people while the standard number of out-of-service trains speed by without stopping. “The MTA is committed to ensuring that our customers stay informed on the total bullshit that they’re about to get themselves into on the subway every morning, and this should be a relatively run-of-the-mill annoying as hell day. Everyone can expect a smooth, 40-minute-behind-schedule trip to work involving several typical, unexpected train transfers.” At press time, MTA officials announced that due to an incident earlier that day, passengers should expect their evening commute to be more totally fucked than usual.
Emporia, Kansas Named Best Small Town In America To Escape From #~# EMPORIA, KS—Calling it a tough decision with hundreds of other dispiriting options available, a report released Monday by Forbes magazine declared Emporia, KS the best small town in America to escape from. “After examining a wide range of quality-of-life indicators, we determined that there was no better place in America to get the hell out of and never look back,” said editor Martha Collins, adding that factors such as housing conditions and the overall health of residents made it ideal for packing one’s bags for the big city and never looking back. “The school system is perfect for someone who wants to jump on the first bus out of town so they never have to see those people’s faces again, and the local economy provides a range of dead-end jobs for people to quit because they don’t want to wake up 40 years from now having wasted their lives like their old man—ultimately, there was no better town for dreaming of a better life somewhere, anywhere else.” The survey also found that Park Ridge, IL was, by far, the best small town in America to crawl back to after failing to make it in L.A.
Time Capsule Discovered In Rear End Of Jesus Statue #~# A team of Spanish restorers have discovered an 18th century time capsule in the buttocks of a wooden statue of Jesus, which contain a Catholic chaplain’s writings detailing popular card games of the time and the state of wine harvests. What do you think?
Study Finds Controlling, Possessive Behavior Most Pure Expression Of Love #~# BALTIMORE—Examining the various ways humans exhibit deep affection for one another, a new study published Monday by sociologists at Johns Hopkins University determined that controlling, possessive behavior was by far the most pure expression of love. “Our research found that people who demand to know and approve of their partner’s every move were displaying the most unadulterated form of fondness and devotion,” said study coauthor Dr. Tricia Fielding, adding that the deepest levels of intimacy were most prevalent among couples who regularly engaged in violent exhibitions of jealousy and made every attempt to isolate their significant other from friends and family. “According to the data, while showing trust and respect were also manifestations of love, they were not nearly as genuine as completely smothering someone to the point you’ve intruded into literally every aspect of their lives.” The study comes on the heels of another report that concluded the longevity of a relationship largely depends on how well couples communicate that their partner will never find someone else to love them if they ever leave.
Australian Politician Asks Partner To Marry Him During Same-Sex Marriage Debate #~# During a speech before Parliament, the Australian politician Tim Wilson proposed to his same-sex partner, a dramatic choice representing the near-certainty that marriage equality will soon be realized in the nation. What do you think?
Bitcoin Plunge Reveals Possible Vulnerabilities In Crazy Imaginary Internet Money #~# NEW YORK—Saying it may account for the precipitous drop in the digital currency, financial experts on Friday told reporters that the recent plunge in bitcoin value could reveal vulnerabilities in crazy imaginary internet money. “This should serve as a clear indicator of how susceptible weird invisible money that only exists online can be to sudden fluctuations in the market,” said economist Bernard Gregerson, explaining that the 18 percent decline in bitcoin’s value might be a predictor of more drastic fluctuations to come in the price of bizarre make-believe cryptocurrency that has no reality in the physical realm. “This volatility may be connected to the fact that we’re dealing with a pile of ones and zeros with no attachment to any bank or government and calling it legal tender, but we can’t say for certain.” At press time, bitcoin had recouped some of its losses, which experts attributed to the fact that even ghost money best suited for anonymously buying heroin could sometimes rebound.
Panicked Donald Trump Jr. Tries To Cover Up Contact With WikiLeaks By Deleting Firefox Icon From Desktop #~# NEW YORK—Growing increasingly worried as news reports indicated that he communicated with the whistleblower organization during his father’s presidential campaign, a panicked Donald Trump Jr. reportedly tried to cover up his contact with WikiLeaks Friday by frantically deleting the Mozilla Firefox icon from his desktop. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, I gotta make sure they never, ever track me down,” said Trump, who dragged and dropped the Firefox icon on his home screen to the computer’s recycling bin and then proceeded to turn off his Wi-Fi, close the laptop without powering down, insert the device into a gel sleeve, and hide it under his bed for “maximum protection.” “I hafta be super careful. These feds are breathing down my neck, so I’m gonna go off the grid for a little bit.” At press time, Trump, who deemed the situation an “unexpected emergency,” retrieved the laptop, restored the icon, and used the browser to order food delivery before deleting it again and carefully concealing the computer under a blanket.
New GOP Tax Plan Requires Welfare Recipients To Apply For Each Individual Piece Of Food #~# WASHINGTON—As part of their effort to rein in government spending through entitlement reform, GOP congressional leaders announced Friday that their new tax plan will require welfare recipients to apply for each individual piece of food they receive. “Mandating that all Americans on food stamps submit a separate application for every morsel they want to buy ensures that they get the nutrition they need without wasting taxpayer dollars,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan, explaining that the new bill would significantly reduce the costs of the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program by requiring low-income Americans to make a case for each piece of fruit, slice of bread, or grain of rice they plan to purchase. “Putting more onus on welfare recipients to justify why they need to buy something like a potato chip, a dollop of mayonnaise, or a pinch of salt with taxpayer money will help increase personal responsibility and reduce waste. In addition, parents will be required to fill out separate forms itemizing each mouthful taken by their children, which will enable them to be adequately nourished while not indulging in superfluous calories at government expense.” Ryan added that the bill also included work-requirement reform mandating that all food stamp recipients submit daily paperwork to their SNAP office with a valid explanation for each minute they weren’t working.
Recording Academy Reminds Aging Musicians To Die Before December 15 To Be Included In 2017 Grammy Tributes #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—Stressing that the deadline had absolutely no flexibility whatsoever, the Recording Academy reminded aging musicians on Friday to die before December 15 in order to be included in the 2017 Grammy tributes. “If you want your lifetime of contributions to American music recognized at the 2017 Grammy Awards, please be sure to pass away at the latest by 11:59 p.m. Eastern time on Friday, December 15,” said president of the Recording Academy Neil Portnow, adding that any elderly performers who elected to cling to life beyond the mid-December cutoff were at risk of having their “in memoriam” rolling over to 2018. “While it’s not ultimately for us to make the decision for, say, 91-year-old Tony Bennett or 85-year-old Loretta Lynn, we do urge such elder talents to pass away sooner rather than later. The earlier you depart this world, the more time we have to arrange for a younger contemporary artist to perform a touching medley of your most famous songs.” At press time, the Recording Academy thanked the dozens of musicians who made the effort to die much earlier in the year.
Department Of Labor Response Team Seals Off Toxic Workplace Environment #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to stop the spread of the dangerous negativity as quickly as possible, agents from the Department of Labor’s Emergency Response Team on Friday reportedly sealed off the toxic workplace environment at tech incubator Molloy Capital. “We’ve begun the hazardous but absolutely necessary task of cleaning up the site’s dangerous backbiting, unwanted sexual advances, and gross managerial incompetence,” said Labor Department special agent Angela Lasker, who noted that prior to their arrival, a steady stream of inappropriate comments had been seeping into the water-cooler conversation and were threatening to poison the entire company-wide intranet. “While we believe we’ve contained most of the professional and psychological damage, it’s still a very hostile, unsafe area. We honestly don’t think it will be able to sustain new hires for the foreseeable future, or at least until the pervasive low morale has had a chance to dissipate.” Lasker went on to say, however, that the communications department would likely never again be suitable for human employment.
New NFL Safety Rule Requires Players To Be Careful  #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to minimize the risk of traumatic brain injury, a new NFL safety rule going into effect Friday will require all players to be careful. “As part of the NFL’s ongoing effort to ensure players are as safe as possible, they will now all be obligated to watch it out there,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that players not taking it easy would be subject to a fine as well as a mandatory four-game suspension. “Football can be a little physical sometimes, so we want all players to just exercise some caution when blocking, tackling, or doing pretty much anything on the field. When it comes to safety, we’re really all on the same team.” At press time, the number of players suffering from concussions had dropped to nearly zero.
Woman With Transplanted Uterus Gives Birth For First Time In U.S. #~# A Dallas-area mother who was born without a uterus has given birth to a healthy baby boy following the first successful transplant of this type in U.S. history. What do you think?
NFL Revokes Roger Goodell’s New Contract After He Fails Physical #~# NEW YORK—In a stunning development after the league’s decision to grant a 5-year extension to the commissioner, the NFL revoked Roger Goodell’s new contract Thursday after he failed his physical. “Unfortunately, the $200 million deal we were prepared to offer Roger was conditional upon his ability to complete our fitness exam,” said spokesman Joe Lockhart, explaining that Goodell’s contract was terminated after the medical evaluation revealed several issues that might impair the 59-year-old’s capacity to discipline individuals, fine players, or strip draft picks from teams for misconduct. “Frankly, we were left with no choice after Mr. Goodell arrived to the exam 38 pounds overweight and failed to disclose a number of health issues to us. We’re sad to see Roger go and wish the best to him and his family.” Lockhart added that he hopes Goodell finds the help he needs after disclosing that the physical revealed the commissioner had been running the league with an undisclosed concussion. 
Time Magazine Names #MeToo 'Silence Breakers' As Person Of The Year #~# Time Magazine has recognized the women who came forward with sexual assault allegations as its 2017 Person of the Year, calling individuals such as Ashley Judd and Rose McGowan, “the voices that launched a movement.” What do you think?
Bel-Air Homeowners Association Issues Fine To Resident With Unapproved Wildfire In Front Yard #~# BEL-AIR, CA—Saying the ornamentation was not in compliance with neighborhood guidelines, the Bel-Air Homeowners Association issued a fine Thursday to a resident with an unapproved wildfire in his front yard. “After receiving complaints from neighbors on both sides of the residence, we were left with no choice but to fine Mr. [Michael] Walters for the flames raging in his front lawn,” said association president Linda Heggen, adding that each day the massive blaze was not extinguished would result in additional penalties. “Upon taking possession of their homes, property owners agree to adhere to the strict no-inferno policy. This is an exclusive community, and we can’t allow that to be compromised by someone deciding to keep an obtrusive hundred-foot wall of fire in front of his house.” At press time, however, the homeowners association lifted an existing fine against the resident for overgrown hedges as the wildfire had incinerated them.
Al Franken: ‘I’m Deeply Sorry For My Hilarious Actions’ #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he could no longer joke effectively in the Senate, Congressman Al Franken announced Thursday that he was resigning from office, telling colleagues, “I’m deeply sorry for my hilarious actions.” “The things I did, while extremely funny, were also inappropriate and I sincerely apologize for the pain I’ve caused with my gut-busting antics,” said a chuckling Franken, describing the perfectly-timed physical comedy routines he regularly performed on unsuspecting women, such as honking their breasts and planting sloppy kisses on their cheeks as they recoiled. “I can see that my wacky hijinks have offended my colleagues who have no sense of humor, which is why I must step down as senator of Minnesota. To everyone I’ve hurt, I ask that one day you can forgive me for being such a big goofball.” At press time, Franken was struggling to contain his laughter after goosing a journalist who had asked him a follow-up question.
Report: 83% Of Player Pianos Set Off By Gunfight #~# AUSTIN, TX—In an investigation of the phenomenon’s tendency to occur during barroom brawls, a report published Thursday concluded that 83 percent of cases in which a player piano spontaneously begins to play were on account of a couple local ruffians went and got themselves into a gunfight.
God Reveals Jerusalem Actually Only 87th Holiest Site On Earth #~# THE HEAVENS—Expressing disbelief of the fuss being made over the Middle Eastern city, our Lord and King of the Heavens, God, reportedly revealed Thursday that Jerusalem was actually only the 87th holiest site on Earth. “It’s not like Jerusalem isn’t sacred, but it’s way less holy than places like Lima, Peru or Cedar Rapids, Iowa,” said our Heavenly Father, adding that the majority of locations on the planet that rank in the top 10 of blessedness have not even been discovered let alone recognized as such, and they possess much more merit as hallowed ground than Jerusalem. “It doesn’t hold a candle to that little village in Siberia where I appeared and hung out doing miracles for a whole week. Honestly, once Jesus left, Jerusalem lost a lot of relevance.” God added that Earth itself was pretty low on the list of sanctified planets the Lord Almighty had created.
Ohio State Self-Reported Secondary Violations They Just Assume Currently Happening #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Admitting guilt for infractions that sound like the types of obscure recruiting rules the school would break, Ohio State’s athletic director self-reported to the NCAA several secondary violations he just assumed were currently happening. “I don’t have concrete evidence that these things are going on, but I figured at least a handful of these rules are being broken given our track record,” said athletic director Gene Smith, who said he could not point to specific examples of wrongdoing, but assured reporters that at the very least he assumes his coaches are currently texting people they shouldn’t. “More likely than not, we’re also probably having former players in the NFL contact our kids because that just feels like stuff we like to do. I’m pretty comfortable filling out the paperwork to let the NCAA know something wrong is probably going on somewhere.” At press time, the NCAA had released a statement saying they assumed they were already closely monitoring the university for some recruiting bullshit.
Study Finds Man Starting ‘Analyze This’ During Flight To Boston Currently Happiest Person In America #~# COLLEGE PARK, MD—Saying not one of his fellow citizens even approached his level of well-being, a study published Thursday in The Journal of Applied Psychology found that a man starting Analyze This on JetBlue flight 598 to Boston is currently the happiest person in America. “We observed that as the occupant of seat 26A selected the film on the seatback display, adjusted his headphones, and leaned back in his seat while the New Line Entertainment logo came up, he was in fact the most satisfied individual in the entire nation,” said lead researcher Anna Yu, suggesting that the man would remain in this state of singular contentment for the next hour and 49 minutes. “Not only does he have no other obligations at the moment, he has just received an entire can of Diet Coke from a flight attendant and not just a small plastic cup filled with soda and ice. When you also take into account the fact that the passenger next to him had all but surrendered their shared armrest, you can see why we had to completely rework our models to accommodate this level of bliss.” Yu went onto say that, based on preliminary research, the moment the plane touched down at Boston’s Logan Airport, the man’s national happiness rank would drop approximately 100 million places.
Doctors Stumped By Man's 'Do Not Resuscitate' Tattoo #~# Physicians at a Florida hospital engaged in a tense ethical debate after an unconscious 70-year-old arrived with the words “Do Not Resuscitate” tattooed across his chest, initially choosing to ignore it before eventually let the man die. What do you think?
Beijing Restaurants Sells Out Of North Korean Beer After Sanctions Take Effect #~# Many restaurants in Beijing and across China have sold out of Taedonggang, a beer produced in Pyongyang, due to sanctions imposed on North Korea by the international community. What do you think?
Russian Olympic Coach Gently Breaks News To Hulking 200-Pound Gymnast That She Won’t Be Competing In South Korea #~# MOSCOW—In light of the International Olympic Committee’s decision to bar all Russian athletes from the 2018 Winter Olympics as punishment for its engagement in systematic doping, witnesses reported Wednesday that Russian Olympic coach Anatoly Krukov gently broke the news to hulking, 200-pound gymnast Katerina Yelpshin that she won’t be competing in South Korea. “This is a very difficult thing for me to tell you, especially since you’ve worked so hard, but, unfortunately, the Olympic committee has the final say,” said Krukov, placing a comforting hand on the massive, stony bicep of the five-foot-two 15-year-old as tears streamed down her stubbled cheeks. “I’m so sorry. It’s not fair what they’re doing to you. I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you screamed or punched a hole in the wall.” At press time, the visibly distraught Yelpshin reportedly picked up a 300-pound vaulting table and threw it across the gym.
Trump Promises U.S. Will Continue To Recognize, Preserve Palestinians' Historic Refugee Camps #~# WASHINGTON—Vowing that the ancestral shantytowns would endure, President Trump promised Wednesday that the United States would continue to recognize and preserve Palestinians’ historic refugee camps. “Today I pledge to Palestine our ongoing acknowledgement and commitment to maintaining the makeshift shelters their people have been living in for generations,” said Trump, promising to fight for the overcrowded communities of displaced people to always have tattered canvas tents without basic human necessities. “Though we still hope to broker lasting peace with the Israelis, we must also affirm the Palestinians’ sovereign right to remain in the crude dwellings of their forced relocation. There must be no ambiguity. These dilapidated shacks devoid of electricity or adequate plumbing are the Palestinian homeland.” At press time, Trump formally moved the center of U.S. diplomatic relations with the Palestinian Authority to the Baqa’a refugee camp in Jordan.
Woman Getting All Defensive About Inherent Worth And Selfhood #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Her combative reaction seeming to come out of nowhere, local woman Monica Respers on Wednesday was reportedly getting all defensive about her inherent worth and selfhood. “It’s like I can’t say a single cruel and demeaning thing without her getting touchy about her value as a human being,” said boyfriend Brad Larsen, adding that Resper gets “totally bent out of shape” every time he tries to completely discount what she wants to do with her life or clearly demonstrates that his needs are always going to be more important than hers. “Jesus, she’s so thin-skinned about constantly being told to be something she’s not. Seriously, I make the slightest attempt to diminish her or undermine any pride she may have in her accomplishments, and she just lashes out.” At press time, Larsen was reportedly shocked that merely from belittling every opinion and goal she had for the entirety of their relationship, she completely overreacted and broke up with him.
‘Stranger Things’ Star Stranded In Bali #~# Thirteen-year-old Stranger Things actress Millie Bobbie Brown has been stranded at a resort in Bali for 10 days after a volcano eruption grounded flights for thousands of travelers. The star reassured fans on Instagram that she is safe during her stay. What do you think?
Shopping At Retail Stores Vs. Thrift Stores #~# Thrift stores’ low prices and constantly changing merchandise make them an appealing alternative to regular retail shopping for those willing to hunt for a good find. Here is a side-by-side comparison of thrift shopping versus shopping at regular retail stores.
FDA Confirms Psilocybin Reduces Risk Of Mindlessly Following Society’s Rules Like Fucking Lemming #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Following months of research into the psychedelic compound’s effects, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Thursday that psilocybin could significantly reduce the risk of mindlessly following society’s rules like a fucking lemming. “After numerous clinical trials, we can state with a high degree of certainty that ingesting small doses of psilocybin greatly decreases the chances of blindly marching in lockstep like a bunch of goddamn sheep being led to the slaughter,” said FDA Chief Scott Gottlieb, noting that brain-scan data collected from a double-blind study indicated that a 3.5-gram dosage of psilocybin could greatly enhance the probability of busting open the doors of perception and freeing users from their mind-prisons. “We found that study participants were far more likely than the general public to cut the marionette strings that had been controlling them their entire shitty lives. In addition, test subjects also entered a heightened state of awareness of the fact that the entire social order is a sick fucking joke perpetrated by the man.” Gottlieb cautioned that not all the results were as positive, however, noting that many users experienced a deep depression resulting from watching the masses sleepwalk through life like pathetic automatons. 
Patagonia Introduces New High-Performance Jacket Specially Designed To Protect Wearer On Walk Between Front Door And Car #~# VENTURA, CA—Calling it the most effective outerwear on the market for short-term exposure to the elements, outdoor clothing company Patagonia on Wednesday introduced its new high-performance jacket specially designed for walking between the front door and car. “With ultra-lightweight fabric and a center-front zipper with an interior storm flap, this new jacket is all you need to weather those few steps to your vehicle,” said Patagonia spokesperson Brad Hemlock, adding that the waterproof outer shell was constructed specifically to withstand 10-15 seconds of wind and rain until the wearer reaches shelter in their vehicle. “With two layers of insulating synthetic down, this jacket will shield you from whatever Mother Nature throws your way during quick trips to the mailbox or while running the trash to the curb.” Hemlock went on to say that the company would soon be releasing a new parka geared specifically toward those who need to throw something on when they get a little chilly at the office.
Supreme Court Hears Argument On Anti-Gay Cake Shop #~# The Supreme Court will hear arguments Tuesday from the owner of Masterpiece Cakeshop, the Colorado bakery who refused to bake a wedding cake for a gay couple. The case will determine whether this represented discrimination or an infringement of First Amendment rights. What do you think?
Ryan Zinke Comes Out In Support Of Controversial Wildfire #~# WASHINGTON—Amid intense nationwide scrutiny of the polarizing blaze, Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke on Tuesday came out in support of a controversial wildfire in Southern California. “While I recognize that there has been some debate as to its merits, I nevertheless see no reason not to pledge my support to this outstanding and highly capable wildfire,” said Zinke, adding that, despite some recent negative attention from the media, the raging conflagration has dutifully and honorably consumed tens of thousands of acres. “It’s a truly wonderful inferno that I’ve gotten to know very well and that, frankly, doesn’t get enough credit for all the hard work it does.” At press time, Zinke reaffirmed his support for the wildfire despite its contentious decision to force thousands of people to evacuate their homes.
New RNC Ad Endorses Roy Moore: ‘He’s A Scumbag, But He’s Our Scumbag’ #~# WASHINGTON—Recognizing that he’s a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to walk the face of the earth yet was still on the right side of party lines, the Republican National Committee released their new “He’s A Scumbag, But He’s Our Scumbag” ad Tuesday to endorse Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore. “He’s a horrendous slimeball and a totally fucking despicable lowlife creep, but above all, he’s a republican, and that’s what matters,” said RNC chair Ronna Romney McDaniel, adding that the slogan, which would be emblazoned across campaign banners, buttons, and commercials, embodied the party’s principles even if its ranks happen to include a disgusting, immoral, garbage person like Roy Moore. “We might not all agree on some of his actions, and we may take offense to his vile beliefs, but in the end, he does vote with the party on the issues we need him to. I think the voters will understand that yes, we are asking them to vote for a racist, sexist, xenophobic alleged pedophile but at the same time, he’s our repulsive cesspool of a human being.” At press time, the RNC was reportedly celebrating Roy Moore’s surge in the polls among Alabama republicans in response to the ad. 
‘I’ll Have To Obstruct One Last Thing,’ Whispers Jared Kushner Before Wrapping Gloved Hands Around Mueller’s Neck #~# WASHINGTON—Appearing to have become unhinged during recent questioning, White House Senior Advisor Jared Kushner reportedly whispered Tuesday, “I’ll have to obstruct one last thing,” before wrapping his gloved hands around special counsel Robert Mueller’s neck. “You want to talk about my security clearance? This is my security clearance,” said Kushner while he slowly strangled the former FBI director who had been conducting an investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election with possible collusion from the Trump campaign. “You wanna tell me what I left off my SF-86 form now, Mr. Mueller, do you? Maybe you want to talk more Russian sanctions. Is this candid enough for you? I got your backchannel right here.” At press time, Kushner had reportedly started sobbing after jamming a finger on Mueller’s throat.
Alabama Forced To Release Thousands Of Sex Offenders After Inmates Deny Charges #~# MONTGOMERY, AL—Saying that the state had no choice but to take them at their word, Alabama officials on Tuesday announced that thousands of sex offenders would be released after the inmates firmly denied the charges. “If they said they didn’t do it, then what choice do we have but to let them go?” said Alabama Department of Corrections administrator Clay Buxton, adding that penitentiaries statewide would be interviewing prisoners and releasing them immediately upon receiving their sworn declaration of innocence. “We sometimes ask these individuals not just once but multiple times if they’re guilty of sex crimes, and when they say no, often very emphatically, our hands are pretty much tied.” Buxton emphasized, however, that any inmates who admitted that they did commit a sex crime will remain behind bars and continue to carry out their sentences as originally handed down.
Honey, Step Aside And Let A Real Man Show You How To Build-A-Bear #~# Sweetie, I hate to butt in, but I saw you trying to customize your bear and thought you could use a hand from someone who knows his way around the ‘ol Workshop. So what do you say, little lady? How about you scoot on over and let me take a quick peek under the hood?
Browns Encourage Dissatisfied Fans To At Least Stick It Out Until End Of Season  #~# CLEVELAND—Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam urged unhappy fans Tuesday to continue to support the team through at least the end of the season. “I know this has been unenjoyable, but back in the summer you guys made a commitment,” said Haslam, adding that if Browns fans really wanted to give up after the season was finally over that was a choice he could at least respect. “You’ve already stuck with it for this long, so with only a couple games left, why not just gut it out? I mean, come on, you think you’re the only ones who’ve thought about quitting?” Haslam then added to reporters that if fans were going to just half-ass it the rest of the way, he’d rather they just quit and get the fuck out of his sight.
Morrissey To No Longer Give Print Interviews #~# After starting a media firestorm with several controversial statements on sexual harassment, former Smiths frontman Morrissey has announced that he will no longer give print interviews. What do you think?
NASA Celebrates 60th Anniversary Of Launching First Moon To Orbit Earth #~# WASHINGTON—Commemorating what is widely considered to be the greatest achievement of space exploration, NASA on Tuesday celebrated the 60th anniversary of the launching of the first moon to orbit Earth. “We may not consider the idea of a moon that orbits Earth to be that big of a deal today, but if you mentioned it just a few decades ago, people would think you were crazy,” said NASA acting administrator Robert M. Lightfoot Jr., explaining that with the successful launch of the 7.36 x 1022 kg satellite into orbit, the United States effectively won the space race precipitated in the 1950s by the Soviet Union’s launching of the first meteor. “It wasn’t an easy journey—one of the models exploded on the launch pad and another burned up while it was exiting the atmosphere. But thanks to key technological developments such as the three-stage super heavy-lift launch vehicle and the innovative computer systems on board, we proved that no goal, no matter how impossible it might seem, is unattainable.” Lightfoot went on to say that further advances would allow NASA to launch a second moon by 2040 and then another moon approximately every 10 years after that.
Nation’s Sleep Experts Recommend Cutting Down On Strobe Light Before Bedtime #~# WASHINGTON—Saying even 10 minutes of evening exposure can lead to a night of low-quality sleep, the National Sleep Foundation recommended on Tuesday cutting down on strobe lights before bedtime. “Strobe light actually has a pronounced stimulating effect on the brain, so when winding down for the night, it’s best to look directly into it as little possible,” said spokesperson Lisa Mullany, adding that, even when dampened by neon gel filters or the fog from a dry-ice machine, the ultra-bright beams discharging every few milliseconds send a signal to the body’s internal clock that can often disrupt its sleep-wake cycle. “Even something as seemingly harmless as omni-directional moving-head fixtures that alternate between fun geometrical patterns can interfere with your natural melatonin production, in effect wreaking havoc with both the length and quality of sleep.” Mullany also recommended limiting any accompanying EDM and dubstep, whose rapid, thumping beats are also known to upset the body’s natural circadian rhythms.
CVS To Buy Aetna For $69 Billion #~# CVS Pharmacy has agreed to purchase healthcare giant Aetna for $69 billion, a deal that experts say could transform the healthcare industry by offering inexpensive clinic-based care, but may limit consumer choices. What do you think?
FCC Chair Unveils Premium Comment Line To Fast-Track Net Neutrality Complaints For $49.99 Per Month #~# WASHINGTON—Following backlash over the agency’s plan to scrap rules ensuring that service providers treat all internet data the same, FCC Chair Ajit Pai unveiled on Monday a premium comment line to fast-track net neutrality complaints, which may be purchased for $49.99 per month. “We hear everyone’s concerns loud and clear, and we are now offering Americans expedited access to the FCC office for less than 50 dollars a month,” said Pai, adding that, for an additional $14.99, users may upgrade to Complaint Line Plus and speak to an actual representative instead of leaving a voicemail message on the FCC’s automated system. “Other premium plans will allow citizens to sound off about the repeal of net neutrality with limited or even no interruptions from ads.” At press time, telecommunications giant Comcast had slowed down the FCC’s complaint line considerably, driving millions of Americans to the FCC complaint line it ran itself.
Couple On Verge Of Breaking Up Has Mind-Blowing Aquarium Visit #~# CHICAGO—Startled at how their festering resentment all but vanished, local couple Steve Ewer and Heather Larson, who sources said were on the verge of breaking up Thursday, had a mind-blowing visit to Shedd Aquarium. “It’s seemed for a while now like any day we were going to reach our breaking point, but then we got to the aquarium and everything suddenly changed,” said Ewer, explaining that, despite the two of them having been unhappy for quite some time, all the animosity seemed to melt away as they watched a sea turtle and a manta ray swim by them amidst swirling schools of colorful tropical fish. “I mean, there was one point later in the day where we started really arguing again, like this was going to be the big one, but then, out of nowhere, this manatee swam up right to the glass as if to say, ‘Don’t argue. You two love each other.’ After that, we completely forgot what we were yelling about. It was, well, magical.” At press time, Ewer and Larson were fighting at the zoo, and the sight of a lethargic, emaciated tiger was just making things worse.
Royal Scandals Throughout History #~# This week marks 25 years since Prince Charles and Princess Diana announced their separation, but the royal family has been plagued by scandal for centuries. Here is a timeline of the biggest royal scandals throughout history.
‘Football Saved My Life,’ Says Man Who Will Be Left Paralyzed By Sport #~# FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Claiming that his participation in the sport steered him away from the poor choices he had been making as a child, local junior college linebacker Steven Colner, who will be left paralyzed by the sport in a year, told reporters Thursday that football “saved [his] life.” “Football made me the person I am today, and I’m so grateful for that,” said the man who next summer will be rendered incapable of movement from the waist down by a routine tackle during summer training camp. “My coaches put me on the right path, and it gave me an alternative to so many of the bad choices my friends were making. I don’t want to think what my life would’ve been like without it.” The man who will soon be confined to a wheelchair then told reporters he cannot wait to teach the sport to his future children.
Man With 3 Kids Going To Make Great Father Someday #~# SEARCY, AK—Saying they could just tell he’d be up to the task when he was ready, sources told reporters Monday that their friend Gary Katsopolis, who currently has three children, was going to make a great father someday. “Even though he may not be right for it this second, Gary’s got so many great qualities that, in a few years, he’s going to be an amazing dad,” said friend Pauline Barrister of the 36-year-old man who has three children ages two, four, and eight, as well as a fourth due next summer. “I mean, I’m sure he still has a bunch of other stuff he wants to do for now, and that’s cool, but when he actually wants a family, he’s gonna be Father of the Year, pretty much.” Barrister went on to say his friend would also be a fantastic husband once he got all that sleeping around out of his system.
World-Class Sushi In Newark Airport #~# Tsukiji Fishroom, a sushi restaurant now open at Newark International Airport’s Terminal C, has been earning near-universal rave reviews, which critics attribute to the high-quality fish it flies in every day direct from Japan’s most famous fish market. What do you think?
God Announces Plans To Take A Few Millennia To Focus On Storms #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying He wanted to step back to concentrate on improving His command of the weather, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was planning to take a few millennia to focus on storms. “I just want to set aside a little time and really dedicate myself to making the best storms I can,” said the Almighty, explaining that splitting His energies between sustaining time, smiting heretics, and regulating planetary orbits had drawn His attention away from creating the storms He knew He was capable of. “I honestly don’t think I’ve truly gotten everything I can out of thunder and lightning, and I’ve barely scratched the surface on stuff like hail and tornados. I know I’ll never do this if I don’t make it a priority, even if it’s only for 5,000 years or so.” At press time, God was eagerly working on mixing a typhoon with fire and reportedly could not wait to test it out. 
Negligent Oaf Sloppily Packs Away Board Game Without So Much As A Thought To Future Players #~# SUN PRAIRIE, WI—Folding the board to funnel a jumbled mess of cards and pieces into the game box, negligent oaf Patrick Flavell reportedly packed away a Monopoly set on Thursday without so much as a thought for future players. “Man, I can’t remember the last time I sat down and played this,” said the mindless slob as he gathered up the other players’ multicolored money and haphazardly tossed the piles into the box, ensuring that the next group of players would have to completely re-sort the bills. “With all the technology we have now, it’s easy to forget how much fun it can be to play an old-fashioned board game.” Reports indicate that hours later, the unthinking doofus—who had swept a trail of muffin crumbs into the box along with a number of unused hotels—discovered he had the top hat piece in his pocket.
Flynn Pleads Guilty To Lying To FBI, But, Worst Of All, Lying To Himself #~# WASHINGTON—Testifying to a judge that he was prepared to take full responsibility for his egregious actions, former National Security advisor Michael Flynn pleaded guilty Friday to lying to the FBI, but, worst of all, lying to himself. “I am prepared to admit that I lied to FBI officials about my contact with Russian officials—but, far, far worse than that, I was dishonest with myself,” said Flynn, adding that his false statements to investigators probing possible collusion between the Trump campaign and an adversarial foreign power had been part of the infinitely greater evil of not living true to the man he knows he is. “As much as I should never have lied about undermining American democracy, what’s more important is how I deceived myself into becoming someone I didn’t recognize in the mirror. I must repair the horrible damage I’ve done to this nation and, even more egregiously, to my self-esteem.” Flynn concluded his testimony by saying that, in the end, if he came out of this ordeal a better man, all the damage he caused will have been worth it.
‘Sometimes It Feels Like You’re The Only One Who Understands Me,’ Whispers Trump To White House Roach Infestation #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that its presence had been a valuable source of comfort at a difficult time, President Trump reportedly told the White House cockroach infestation on Friday that it alone truly understood him. “Things are so tough right now, and it’s nice to know someone out there has so much in common with me, really gets what I’m feeling,” said Trump to the skittering mass of insects that coated the walls, furniture, and floor of the Oval Office and feasted on a rotting hamburger in a wastepaper basket. “We just have a bond, and it gives me strength to know someone really accepts me as I am. Heck, sometimes I think you might even know me better than I know myself.” At press time, an emotional Trump had scooped up a teeming armful of cockroaches to his chest for a long, tender hug. 
Tesla Builds World's Biggest Battery In Australia #~# After being challenged to build it within 100 days by the local government, Elon Musk announced Monday that Tesla has constructed the world’s largest lithium ion battery in South Australia, a move officials hope will help with frequent power outages and energy shortages. What do you think?
Glitch In Country Allows Citizens To Temporarily Walk Through Tables #~# WASHINGTON— Saying that they were unable to explain the mysterious error, officials confirmed Friday that a glitch in the country was allowing U.S. citizens to temporarily walk through tables. “As many of you may have already noticed, due to a malfunction in the nation earlier today, citizens were momentarily able move through tables,” said National Institute of Standards and Technology associate director Kent Rochford, assuring Americans that a team was working around the clock to locate and address the bug that enabled people to stride into and out of solid objects. “We apologize to anyone inconvenienced by falling through a counter or wall they were leaning against. Just know that we are doing everything in our power to patch whatever caused people to plummet through the floor into offices or apartments below.” At press time, Rochford expressed hope that any further issues could be resolved by doing a hard restart on the country.
Reindeer Massacre In Norway #~# Over 100 reindeer have been killed in Norway in just three days after freight trains repeatedly collided with the animals, part of a pattern that has led to over 250 reindeer deaths in the past year. What do you think?
Leah Remini Rediscovers Her Faith In Scientology After Going Through Difficult Point In Life #~# NEW YORK—Saying she had never felt more complete and was “so grateful to be home,” Kevin Can Wait actress Leah Remini told reporters Thursday that she has rediscovered her faith in Scientology after going through a difficult point in her life. “I was really lost for the last few years, and it wasn’t until recently that I reached for my copy of Dianetics and understood how desperately I wanted to reconnect with my faith, that I was Clear once and could be again,” said Remini, adding that as soon as she realized how unhealthy it was to repress thousands of years of traumatic memories from past lives, she was ready to fully recommit to unshackling herself from her reactive mind. “The folks at my church welcomed me back with open arms and started auditing me like I never left—they’re just that kind of people. And now that I’m back on track and focusing on reaching OT Level 8, the past three years seem like a terrible dream.” At press time, Remini was reportedly struggling with her faith again and was deeply thankful for the opportunity to rehabilitate in a labor camp.
Clinton Ominously Tells Iowan Supporters To Mark Front Doors With Campaign Logo Before Sundown #~# DES MOINES, IA—Declaring that all voting-age citizens who took the measures would be spared, Hillary Clinton ominously instructed her supporters throughout Iowa to mark their front doors with her campaign logo before sundown, sources confirmed Sunday. “All those residing in Iowa take heed: Your home shall bear the mark of my campaign this eve, or may God help you,” said the Democratic candidate after dispatching a phalanx of campaign staffers to all four corners of the state to spread the message of her directive. “Be within your dwellings with the doors closed and locked before nightfall, and do not cross the threshold before the sun rises again in the sky. The emblem of the red-and-blue H will protect my true voters.” At press time, Clinton issued a statement ordering all Iowan supporters who remain on Monday morning to bring forth their progeny between 18 and 34 years of age to the polls.
‘Please Hold While I Send You Through To Mr. Gilmore,’ Says Jim Gilmore Inside Empty Campaign Office #~# DES MOINES, IA—Sitting by himself behind a computer desk in an otherwise empty rented office space, former Virginia governor and current Republican presidential candidate Jim Gilmore reportedly answered a phone call Sunday by raising his voice to a high-pitched vocal register and asking the caller to hold while he transferred them to Mr. Gilmore. “Just one minute, please,” said Gilmore in a feminine falsetto before approximating the sound of an electronic beep with his voice and then holding still for several moments. “I apologize for the wait; Mr. Gilmore is a very busy man. We’ve been completely backed up all morning. If I can’t get in touch with him, would it be okay to have him return—oh, wait, you’re in luck, here he is. One second…. Hello, this is Jim.” At press time, Gilmore was explaining to the person on the other end of the line that the law office of Cafferty & Sullivan had moved out of the building several weeks ago and was now located over on Union Street.
Jets Cheerleaders Awarded $325,000 In Settlement #~# The New York Jets have paid the team’s cheerleaders $325,000 after a class-action lawsuit was filed over low wages, with plaintiffs claiming they only made $150 per game and were compensated for neither practice time nor expenses, all of which averaged out to $1.50 per hour. What do you think?
Iowan Comforts Sobbing Jeb Bush At Town Hall #~# DES MOINES, IA—Slowly approaching the distraught, trembling presidential candidate before embracing him in a gentle hug, 42-year-old single mother Holly Sullivan comforted a sobbing Jeb Bush during a town hall forum, sources confirmed Friday. “It’s all going to be okay,” Sullivan said in a soothing voice after Bush broke down in tears while describing his executive experience, reportedly patting him on the back as he rested his head on her shoulder and told her that things were “too hard” and that he could not continue on like this anymore. “I know it looks bad, but you’re going to make it through this. You’re a brave man just for standing up and sharing your story like this.” Sources confirmed that sympathetic audience members then applauded Bush as he was escorted off the stage by his wife.
Retreating Clinton Campaign Torches Iowa Town To Slow Advance Of Sanders Volunteers #~# HUMBOLDT, IA—After making sure to douse every home, farm, and business located in the municipality with gasoline, retreating Clinton campaign staffers reportedly set the central Iowa town of Humboldt ablaze Friday to stem the advance of Bernie Sanders volunteers. “Once we received word the Sanders campaign had begun canvassing in nearby Fort Dodge, we only had a matter of hours to burn everything to the ground,” said communications director Jennifer Palmieri, who tossed a lit torch through the window of the town’s hardware store before rushing over to help a group of Hillary for America workers erect a roadblock made of dead livestock to prevent all entrance to and exit from the city. “With so little time left before voting day, we simply can’t allow them to establish a foothold in this part of the state. Besides, you can’t convince anyone to caucus for Bernie Sanders if the civilian population is gone and all that’s left is smoldering rubble.” At press time, Clinton campaign staffers were spotted rigging a nearby bridge with C-4 as they hastily retreated to Algona.
Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear #~# ‘Hello Marco, We Will Now Begin The Program,’ Says Soothing Voice
Area Man’s Back Aching After Bad Night’s Sleep, 58 Continuous Years Of Horrible Posture #~# SHELBYVILLE, KY—Having noticed him wincing and letting out low groans each time he stood up, sources confirmed that local man Joel Braley’s back was really bothering him Friday following a poor night’s sleep and 58 continuous years of terrible posture. “Oh man, my back’s killing me,” said the man who was tossing and turning all night and spent most of the preceding six decades hunched forward over a desk, computer keyboard, or, more recently, his phone. “I guess I slept on it funny [and never throughout my life figured out how to stand upright without slouching or leaning against a stationary object]. Christ, I really did a number on it last night [and every previous day for almost 60 years]. Oww.” Sources later confirmed that Braley was going to try to alleviate his back pain by lying down on his couch and keeping stationary for the rest of the evening as well as most of the remaining 16 years of his life.
Security Experts Warn Against Smart Appliances #~# Experts at a cybersecurity summit in London warned consumers this week against the proliferation of “smart” home appliances such as refrigerators and toasters, explaining that this unregulated access to one’s personal information could be a target for hackers. What do you think?
Google Algorithm Beats Board Game Champion #~# An algorithm designed by Google’s DeepMind artificial intelligence division has conquered the reigning champion of the board game Go, a feat that Facebook claims its own AI division is also close to achieving. What do you think?
Woman Probably Just Made Up Rape Story In Order To Get Threatening Emails #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Insisting the alleged victim must have an ulterior motive, numerous residents told reporters Thursday that local woman Beth Hutchins probably made up her story about being raped just so she could receive a barrage of threatening emails. “I’m sure she saw the opportunity to get tons of vicious, verbally abusive messages from complete strangers, so she just decided to lie and say she was raped,” said area resident Richard Becker, adding that the 28-year-old most likely invented all the horrific details of her purported assault as a cry for anonymous commenters to relentlessly attack everything about her, from her character and body to her drinking habits and sexual history. “She’s obviously full of shit. She plays the victim card and then—poof—just like that, she’s instantly showered with hate-filled posts on her Facebook page calling her an ugly slut and encouraging her to kill herself. That’s exactly what she wants.” When informed that Hutchins had filed a police report, undergone a physical examination, and subjected herself to multiple questionings by authorities, Becker shook his head and told reporters it just goes to show how far some women will go to have their personal information leaked online so that crazed strangers can come to their homes and intimidate them in person.
Concept Car Designers Struggling To Think Of Cool New Ways For Doors To Open #~# MUNICH—Expressing concern that they wouldn’t come up with anything good before the International Motor Show in September, concept car designers at BMW’s corporate headquarters admitted to reporters Thursday they have been struggling to think of cool new ways for their automobiles’ doors to open. “We set the bar way too high with gull-wing doors and those scissor doors that swing open vertically from a hinge on the front, so now we’re pretty hard-pressed to come up with anything half as good as that,” said engineer Rudolph Reindell, who noted that his team easily devised innovative new body, grill, and spoiler designs, but have been stuck on doors for weeks. “We’ve been sitting around bouncing door ideas off one another every day, but so far, the best we’ve come up with is one that you pull up like a garage door and another with hinges on the bottom so you can walk up it like a ramp into the car, but they both look pretty stupid on our modeling software. Oh, wait, what about ones that swing inward into the car? No, no, that’s terrible. Jesus.” At press time, sources confirmed the frustrated designers decided to give up and just go with a doorless car that passengers would have to crawl into through the trunk.
Uber Placing ‘Bop It’ In Cars To Deter Assault #~# In an effort to curb the rise in assaults on drivers by intoxicated passengers, Uber is testing whether placing Bop It games in their cars will calm belligerent riders by giving them an outlet for their frustration. What do you think?
Conspiracy Theories Mathematically Tested #~# Mathematicians at Oxford have devised an equation that measures the “lifespan” of a conspiracy theory before it would realistically become exposed to the public, finding that if a given theory is not substantiated within four years, the widely accepted version of events is all but certain to be true. What do you think?
Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted #~# BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday. “All right!” said Rob Ryan, who, shortly after scurrying up the wooden ladder and fitting his top bunk with new Bills-themed sheets, leaned over the side of his bed with his head upside down and gave his brother an enthusiastic high-five. “This is going to be so awesome. But we have to be quiet, otherwise Dad’ll get really mad and shout at us.” At press time, the brothers had reportedly stayed up the entire night quietly whispering about their favorite Cover 1 defensive coverage shells.
Study: 90% Of Workplace Injuries Caused By Bare-Knuckle Boxing #~# CHAMPAIGN, IL—Researchers from the University of Illinois released a new study of occupational hazards Wednesday revealing that 90 percent of workplace injuries in the United States are caused by bare-knuckle boxing. “According to our data, roughly nine of every 10 injuries that occur on the job stem from incidents in which two employees stand up from their desks, roll up their sleeves, clench their raised hands in fists, and then circle each other before unleashing a barrage of gloveless blows,” said lead researcher Carol Skelton, adding that, while fisticuffs-related bruises, cuts, and bone fractures most often occur in large, open areas like lobbies and conference rooms, it was not uncommon for impromptu slugfests to break out in kitchenettes, server rooms, or between rows of cubicles. “Additionally, we found that the most severe instances of bodily harm in offices typically transpire when one worker has another pinned up against a whiteboard or printing station and is pummeling them with a brutal combination of vicious jabs and hooks. While employers can’t eliminate all workplace injuries, they can take common-sense measures to reduce them by strictly limiting rounds to three minutes each.” The study also found that nearly 100 hours of productivity are lost each year to employees crowding around pairs of sparring coworkers and shouting bets.
5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State #~# HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.
Australia Weighing Independence From Britain #~# An Australian lobby group will revisit a 1999 initiative to remove the country from British rule and become the Republic of Australia, though it is unclear whether voters will ultimately vote in favor of independence. What do you think?
NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch #~# PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch. “These discreet and easy-to-use eye patches allow users to curb their cigarette cravings by delivering a steady flow of therapeutic nicotine directly into the bloodstream through the optic nerve,” said company spokesperson Caitlin Timmons, adding that the user simply removes the backing from the patch and applies the adhesive layer directly on their exposed cornea. “Individuals can choose to place the patch on their left eye or right eye, and the extended-release technology will reduce withdrawal symptoms for up to 72 hours. We recommend, however, that users don’t put on more than one at a time.” Officials told reporters that the NicoDerm eye patch might cause side effects such as trouble sleeping, burning at the application site, and poor depth perception.
Female Professors Rated Lower By Students #~# A French university found that students rated male professors higher than female ones even when the students performed worse in the male instructor’s class, highlighting both gender biases in education and the failure of evaluations to measure effective teaching. What do you think?
You Might Be Surprised, But Your Unhip Ol’ Pops Actually Used To Be Quite The Meth Head #~# I have a pretty good idea about how you kids see your old man. Sure, I know you love me and all that, but don’t think I don’t notice how you look at me—you think I haven’t got a cool bone in my body! You think I’m just your boring dad who doesn’t ever do anything interesting or fun, and who’s in bed by ten o’clock every night, even on the weekends—I’m right, aren’t I? Well, it might surprise you to find out that your lame old dad used to be quite the meth head back in the day.
Study: Zebra’s Stripes Not For Camouflage #~# New research has confirmed that the zebra’s stripes, commonly believed to provide camouflage, do not actually assist in evasion since the stripe pattern becomes evident only after a predator has already smelled the zebra, leaving the reason for the stripes a mystery. What do you think?
How Dating Sites Match Their Users #~# With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users:
Poll Finds 68% Of Iowans Turned On By Knowledge Whole Nation Watching #~# DES MOINES, IA—With national media attention ramping up in preparation for next week’s Iowa caucuses, a poll released Monday by Drake University found that two-thirds of Iowans are turned on by the knowledge the whole country is watching them. “All those people staring at us, eagerly watching our every move, feasting their eyes on our polling data—it really gets me going,” said Des Moines public school teacher Ashley Tierney, echoing the sentiments of thousands of her fellow Iowans, who reported that the thought of so many Americans focused intently on their state engaging in the democratic process left them feeling exposed and violated, and that they enjoy it. “Just think of how many voters are looking at us right now, completely unable to participate in the caucuses themselves; they just have to sit there and watch. Mmm. Oh, my, I think I need to sit down.” A visibly flushed Tierney then bit her lower lip and told reporters she was excited to “put on a little show” for onlookers by doing something very naughty and voting against her personal interests.
Bleary-Eyed, Stuporous Houseguest Assures Host That He Slept Great #~# PITTSBURGH—Providing several reassurances about the quality of his previous night’s rest, bleary-eyed, stuporous houseguest Ken Hodge informed host Jeremy Muller this morning that he slept really great, sources confirmed. “Yeah, I was pretty comfy,” said the drowsy, sluggish 29-year-old, who restlessly tossed and turned throughout the night while attempting to find a comfortable sleeping position on the sagging cushions of Muller’s sofa. “That’s a nice couch. I was out like a light.” At press time, Hodge confirmed that the scratchy blanket that barely covered his entire body had kept him “nice and cozy.”
Rick Perry Endorses Ted Cruz #~# Texas governor Rick Perry has endorsed Ted Cruz for president after suspending his own campaign last September, an announcement that follows Sarah Palin’s high-profile endorsement of Donald Trump last week. What do you think?
Jeb Bush Campaign Kicks Off 3-State Farewell Tour With Iowa Town Hall Meeting #~# MASON CITY, IA—Having carefully rehearsed their soundbites and readied their bus for one final month on the road, Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign reportedly kicked off a three-state farewell tour with a town hall meeting Monday before a gathered crowd of dozens. “We wanted to show moderate Republicans how much we’ve appreciated all the support we’ve had throughout this election season, so we put together a busy schedule of stump speeches and meet-and-greets to bid our goodbyes,” said Bush campaign manager Danny Diaz, who noted that the candidate would treat audiences to his most popular talking points and attacks on his rivals during the four-week sendoff that will take him to select cities in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina. “We just really want to enjoy these final few days together as a campaign and take the opportunity to personally thank the many donors and political strategists who’ve made this whole thing possible. Then, I guess, we’ll all share one final pat on the back, give our endorsement to Marco Rubio, and head our separate ways.” Diaz noted, however, that given Bush’s compromised condition, there was a chance they might have to end the tour early and cancel their final few dates in South Carolina.
Dogs Might Detect Human Emotions #~# A study of canine responses to verbal and visual stimuli has led researchers to conclude that dogs can distinguish human emotions based on how the person’s voice matches their facial expressions, a mental process similar to how infants observe the world around them. What do you think?
Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns #~# BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.
Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday #~# SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed. “I don’t care how you make this a laid-back, fun place to work, just get it done, and get it done fast,” Abelson said during a meeting of the company’s various department heads, which is said to have begun with Abelson harshly reprimanding a client service manager for arriving five minutes late. “If we have to stay late every night this week figuring this thing out, then that’s what we’re going to do. And if we don’t have a casual, cheerful workplace environment all wrapped up by end of day Friday, everybody’s coming in this weekend.” Abelson reportedly dismissed a project manager later that day when the employee failed to loosen up after Abelson demanded she do so.
Strongside/Weakside: Rob Gronkowski #~# New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski terrorized defenses this year by relying on a combination of size, strength, and the single greatest quarterback in the history of the game. Is he any good?
East Coast Braces For Blizzard #~# Thousands of flights have been canceled and several government agencies have shuttered in anticipation of a massive snowstorm making its way to the East Coast, a blizzard that could affect as many as 75 million people in a dozen states. What do you think?
Man Figured Drug Addiction Would Take Up A Lot More Free Time #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that his afternoons and evenings were still pretty much wide open, local man Eric Lang told reporters Friday that he had figured drug addiction would take up a lot more of his free time. “When I first started using heroin, I thought it would consume my every waking moment, but it hasn’t really filled that much of my downtime,” said Lang, adding that his overwhelming compulsion to obtain and take the opiate only accounts for a few hours each day. “I shot up around nine this morning, felt that warm rush, experienced the otherworldly bliss of all my problems, fears, and pain melting away, and then nodded off for a couple of hours. When I came to, I was surprised that I basically still had the whole day ahead of me.” Reports indicate that after 30 minutes of wandering around the house looking for something to do, a bored Lang gave up and took out his heroin to inject another shot.
Report: Mom Saw Car That Slid Off Road Into Ditch #~# ROCKVILLE, MD—Warning that it’s really getting nasty out there right now, local mother Diane Burchill, 56, reported Friday that she saw a car that slid off the road and into a ditch. “I was driving home on Route 28 and passed a minivan that had gone right off the road and down into a ditch,” said Burchill, further confirming that cars were moving slowly near the scene of the accident. “You know it always gets slippery along that stretch. I saw the driver outside waiting for the tow truck. Poor thing. This is why I hate driving in this weather.” Sources confirmed the accident was not too far from where Burchill had seen a very large tree branch that had fallen after a thunderstorm last summer.
Obama Gently Guides Michelle’s Hand As She Maneuvers Drone Joystick #~# WASHINGTON—Leaning in close behind the first lady and softly whispering into her ear, President Obama gently guided Michelle’s hand as she maneuvered a Predator drone joystick control to acquire a high-value overseas target, White House sources confirmed Friday. “Now keep your eyes on the digital-terrain data feed on this monitor as you slowly pull up on the stick—wow, you’re such a natural at this,” said the commander-in-chief as he tenderly led his wife’s hand to the laser designator. “Careful now, not too steep! That’s it—steady, steady. Whenever you’re ready, just aim at your target and discharge the Hellfire missiles.” At press time, sources confirmed that the president and first lady could be seen locking eyes intensely and smiling after they pressed the unmanned aerial vehicle’s launch button in unison.
World’s Largest Known Prime Number Found #~# A global initiative to discover previously unknown large prime numbers has deduced the largest one ever discovered, a 22-million-digit figure known as 2^74,207,281-1 that was found at the University of Central Missouri. What do you think?
Study Finds Girls Outperforming Future Employers In School #~# NASHVILLE, TN—The results of a comprehensive multiyear study charting the educational achievement of children throughout the United States were released Friday, revealing that the nation’s girls are increasingly outperforming their future employers in all subjects. “We looked at test scores from all 50 states and found that, across every demographic group, girls are consistently outscoring those who will someday have the power to hire and fire them,” said the study’s lead author, Jennifer Malone, of Vanderbilt University, who noted that the gap between female students and those who will hold 86 percent of top executive positions at the companies where they work emerges early in elementary school and continues to grow throughout high school, college, and graduate school. “For years, girls have performed better than their future bosses in areas like writing and reading comprehension, but more recently, they’ve started to surpass them in STEM subjects as well. At the same time, those individuals who will one day pay their female classmates a fraction of the industry standard have fallen further behind.” Malone added that if current trends in education continue, women will soon outnumber nearly all future tech workers, financial analysts, and government leaders at the nation’s universities by a two-to-one margin.
Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner #~# KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner. “Yikes, this guy’s steamed milk technique is all over the place—that’s not going to fly,” said local accountant Elizabeth Delaney, looking on in a mixture of pity and annoyance as the doomed new hire spent a full minute aimlessly searching the back bar for the cafe’s almond flavoring syrup. “I’ve been here almost a half hour, and this guy still can’t even figure out how to get the credit card machine to work. Oh, geez, now he’s calling that woman back to the counter to make sure she said skim milk and not soy milk. I give this guy until the end of the day, tops.” At press time, everyone in line winced as a veteran employee made the trainee step aside while he just operated the espresso machine himself.
Possible Ninth Planet Found In Solar System #~# Astronomers at Caltech have discovered compelling evidence that a massive ninth planet exists far past Neptune, with an orbit around the sun that takes over 10,000 years to complete. What do you think?
Andy Reid Furious At Self For Poor Clock Management At End Of 72-Oz. Steak Challenge #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting his total lack of urgency while chewing, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid expressed frustration with himself Thursday over his poor clock management in the final moments of Union Grill’s 72-ounce “Belt Buster” steak challenge. “I just lost track of the clock, and the next thing I knew, there was only one minute left and still 15 ounces of steak to go,” said Reid, bemoaning the fact that he leisurely dipped every piece of the 4.5-pound sirloin in A.1. Sauce while precious seconds continued running off the clock. “Once I realized how little time was left, I tried to hurry up and managed to get most of it down, but I had trouble lining up the next chunk. I always say how important it is to eat with all your heart for the full 60 minutes, and don’t look ahead to the next meal, and days like today show why. But there’s no one to blame but myself.” Reid added that to avoid a similar mistake in the future, he is simply going to eat the entire steak in a single mouthful.
Study: Majority Of New Marine Life Species Now Discovered While Cleaning Oil Spills #~# WOODS HOLE, MA—Saying such periodic events have vastly expanded the scientific community’s understanding of oceanic biodiversity, a study released this week by the Woods Hole Marine Biological Laboratory determined that a significant majority of new marine species are now discovered while cleaning oil spills. “After surveying thousands of scientific papers, our team determined that 68 percent of all aquatic birds, fish, marine reptiles, mollusks, and corals discovered over the past 50 years were first identified and cataloged after volunteers painstakingly cleaned the thick, heavy coating of crude oil from them using a toothbrush and noticed their markings and morphology were unlike anything on record,” said researcher Sandra Schultz, who confirmed that over 5,000 species previously unknown to science have been identified in the Gulf of Mexico alone since 2010. “In fact, the average trash bag that a cleanup worker uses to collect the sludge-coated remains of animals that wash ashore typically contains at least one entirely new subspecies of shorebird, sea turtle, or crustacean. Once all the tar is fully removed from the animals’ skin, eyes, and lungs, they become prized specimens for study.” Schultz noted, however, that most of the new species that are discovered amid vast oil slicks are concurrently found to be extinct.
Pentagon Holds Gala To Celebrate 25 Years Of Bombing Iraq #~# WASHINGTON—Bringing together the many civilian leaders and military strategists who helped them reach such a historic milestone, Pentagon officials held a lavish black-tie gala Sunday at which, sources said, they commemorated 25 years of the United States bombing Iraq.
Bill Belichick Visits Hospital To Watch Terminally Ill Fan Die #~# BOSTON—Stressing the importance of taking time to make such trips to local medical centers, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly visited Massachusetts General Hospital Thursday to watch terminally ill fan Brian Keller die. “Brian’s a big fan of the team, and as soon as I heard that he had taken a turn for the worse, I came right over to watch him struggle until the end,” said Belichick, who stood outside Keller’s room in the intensive care unit for over three hours and silently stared through the glass as the 28-year-old’s organs shut down and he went into cardiac arrest. “I try to make it out here as many weekends as I can. Sometimes I’ll be here for six or seven hours on a Saturday visiting fans in the cancer ward who are just hanging on by a thread. The look on their faces when they’ve lost consciousness for the last time—you can just see the life draining out of them. It means so much to me to be there in those moments.” Sources confirmed that Belichick stayed to take pictures with Keller for several minutes after doctors had pronounced him dead.
CDC: Half Of U.S. Schools Teach Proper Sex Ed #~# The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have found that less than half of U.S. schools teach their students sexual education according to the CDC’s 16 recommended topics, such as correct condom use and where to find reliable information on sexual health. What do you think?
Congress Allocates $90 Million To Protect Remaining Eagles Members #~# WASHINGTON—Convening an emergency session following the recent passing of famed singer and guitarist Glenn Frey, Congress voted unanimously Thursday to allocate $90 million to protect the remaining members of American rock group the Eagles, sources confirmed. “My colleagues and I recognize just how important the Eagles’ laid-back ’70s sound is to all Americans, which is why we moved quickly and with bipartisan cooperation to put together comprehensive legislation that will ensure Don Henley, Joe Walsh, and Timothy B. Schmit are around to rock us, our children, and our children’s children for years to come,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) at a press conference following the passage of the bill, officially titled Preserving The Eagles For The Benefit And Enhancement Of Future Generations Act Of 2016, and more commonly known as The Long Run Bill. “We as a nation simply cannot afford to let the authors of such timeless hits as ‘Take It Easy,’ ‘Desperado,’ ‘One Of These Nights,’ and dozens of other infectious AOR staples disappear. That is why this legislation sets aside dozens of acres of safe, protected land on which the Eagles can live and record in peace, while also establishing a dedicated team of federal officials to closely monitor the band members for any changes in health and immediately provide them with care as needed.” Beltway sources confirmed that a proposed rider to The Long Run Bill introduced by Rep. Rick Larsen (D-WA), which would have added $7 million in similar protections for Kenny Loggins, was voted down by a chorus of nays.
How To Join The Priesthood #~# With the number of Catholic clergymen in the United States waning, those who choose the pious life of the priesthood are presented with many practical and spiritual challenges. Here is a step-by-step guide to becoming a priest:
U.S. Faces Cauliflower Shortage #~# Due to climate change and the resultant low temperatures in California and Arizona where crops are grown, the nation faces a shortage of cauliflower, driving the price up to eight dollars per bundle in some areas. What do you think?
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Reluctantly Accepts Alternative Sentence Of Coaching Troublesome Youth Sports Team #~# NEW YORK—In a deal that spared him capital punishment for his alleged orchestration of the 9/11 attacks, former al-Qaeda operative Khalid Sheikh Mohammed reluctantly accepted a judge’s alternative sentence requiring him to coach a disorderly youth baseball team, sources confirmed Wednesday.
How To Get A Medical Marijuana Card #~# With 23 states now allowing the use of medical marijuana, many citizens are wondering how to obtain the substance safely and legally. Here is a step-by-step look at how to get and use a medical marijuana card:
First Flower Blooms In Space #~# Astronaut Scott Kelly tweeted an image of an orange zinnia that has been grown entirely within the International Space Station’s Veggie chamber despite damages the plant suffered from humidity and mold, an accomplishment that NASA hopes will lead to other agricultural developments in outer space. What do you think?
34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point #~# OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician. “It’s definitely too late for me to go back to school, and I’m not going to get an office job or anything like that with the résumé I’ve got, so I figure, why not just stick with what I’ve been doing,” said Wells, adding that he’s okay with his current schedule of rehearsals and occasional late-night gigs and has grown accustomed to living in small apartments anyway, so he didn’t see much of a problem with continuing to strive after his lifelong goal for the indefinite future. “It’s not like anyone really expects anything different from me anymore, either; they all pretty much ask about how the band stuff is going right off the bat when I talk to them. So, I guess I’ll just keep doing this from here on out.” Wells went on to say that he foresees no real issues with his plan to keep following his dreams, provided that his roommate of eight years doesn’t suddenly decide to move out.
Average Home Contains Hundreds Of Bug Species #~# A detailed survey of 50 homes in Raleigh, NC found that the presence of arthropods such as insects, spiders, and centipedes was far more abundant than previously thought, with each home containing between 32 and 211 unique species, including some believed to be otherwise extinct. What do you think?
Tips For Successful Campus Activism #~# With protests effecting change at colleges and universities across the country, many students are looking to follow the example and bring awareness to causes of their own. Here are The Onion’s tips for successful campus activism:
NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.
Just A Quick Heads-Up, I’m Being Radicalized #~# Hey, how’s it going? How are things? I know it’s been a while, but I thought I’d check in to see how you’ve been and give you a quick heads-up about what’s going on with me. So, yeah, just to fill you in, I’m being radicalized.
Man Dying From Cancer Spends Last Good Day On Phone With Insurance Company #~# TOLEDO, OH—Displaying a level of strength and mobility that he will never again possess as he paced back and forth across his living room Tuesday, terminally ill man Thomas Halverson reportedly spent the last good day of his life on the phone with his insurance company. According to reports, the 56-year-old with Stage III liver cancer spent much of the morning and afternoon—a period in which he, for the last time ever, maintained a good appetite, a sufficiently functional immune system, and a reasonable level of energy—arguing a claim denial with nearly a dozen representatives across multiple departments, and on two separate occasions, starting his call over from the beginning after being suddenly disconnected. Sources confirmed that Halverson, who will in a matter of weeks be unable to get out of bed unassisted by nursing staff or carry on a conversation with his loved ones without them wondering whether it would be their last, could be seen during an hour-long wait on hold putting his phone on speaker mode while he, still able, stepped out onto his back deck momentarily to enjoy the fresh air. At press time, upon having his call transferred back to the very first representative he spoke with some five hours earlier, sources reported that Halverson could be overheard raising his voice and cursing loudly, the final time he’ll be able to do so without descending into a severely painful coughing fit.
Sesame Street Moves To HBO #~# The 46th season of Sesame Street has moved from PBS to HBO and features notable format changes, such as shortening episodes to 30 minutes and designing a more upscale urban set, as well as having Oscar the Grouch live in a recycling bin rather than a garbage can. What do you think?
Tips For Proper Body Disposal #~# Brought to you by Angie Tribeca
New Department Of Interior Program To Reduce Deer Population By Providing Free Condoms To Fawns #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb rising deer populations nationwide, the U.S. Department of the Interior introduced a new federal program Monday that will provide free condoms to all of the country’s fawns. “While we’re still pursuing a number of other methods to control the population, ensuring that condoms are available free of charge is an easy and effective way to reduce the risk of pregnancy for young deer,” said Interior Secretary Sally Jewell, explaining that fawns can discreetly take as many condoms with spermicidal lubricant as they need from large bowls that have been placed near streams, meadows, and thickets. “We are not just providing prophylactics throughout the forest for the benefit of bucks. This program also hopes to empower does by distributing emergency contraceptives in piles of soft twigs and lichen.” According to sources, the program will be supplemented by circulating pamphlets that educate about the dangers of unprotected sex in areas where young deer tend to frolic.
Iranian Nuclear Scientists Hurriedly Flush 200 Pounds Of Enriched Uranium Down Toilet During Surprise U.N. Inspection #~# QOM, IRAN—Running into the bathroom with armfuls of the fissile material after spotting several United Nations nuclear inspectors approaching for a surprise visit, panicked scientists at Iran’s Fordow Fuel Enrichment Plant reportedly scrambled to flush more than 200 pounds of enriched uranium-235 down the toilet Monday. “Uh, uh, just a minute—I’m not feeling too well!” the facility’s frantic and heavily perspiring chief physicist, Dr. Yadollah Kashani, reportedly shouted through the closed bathroom door in response to several knocks from the U.N. inspectors, as he and his colleagues hurriedly flushed the toilet over and over until it became clogged with nuclear fuel and began to overflow. “Um. I’ll be out in a sec! Oh, I shouldn’t have eaten such spicy food!” At press time, a close-mouthed, puffy-cheeked Kashani had sheepishly shuffled out of the bathroom and was answering each of the U.N. inspectors’ questions by shaking his head yes or no.
Children’s Book Pulled For Flawed Depiction Of Slavery #~# Scholastic has pulled their title A Birthday Cake For George Washington, a picture book about Washington’s slaves proudly preparing for his birthday party, due to many parents’ complaints that it misinforms children by romanticizing the relationship house slaves historically had with their masters. What do you think?
Governor Demands To Know Which Star On American Flag Is Iowa’s #~# DES MOINES, IA—Saying the state’s residents had been left in the dark for far too long, Gov. Terry Branstad demanded Monday that the federal government reveal which star on the American flag belonged to Iowa. “As both proud Iowans and patriotic American citizens, we have a right to know the exact row and column of our star,” said Branstad, voicing concerns that it “better not be on the bottom or way off to the side.” “Are they arranged by geographical location? Or is it by when each state joined the Union? Whatever it is, I just think we should be able to look at the flag and point to where our star is. Otherwise, it seems pointless to even have them on there at all.” Branstad added that the inability to identify Iowa’s star was particularly egregious since it was well-known that the stars’ blue background represented Guam.
Average Age Of New Mothers At All-Time High #~# Due to the drop in teen pregnancy rates and many women’s decision to start their families later in life, the average age of first-time moms in the U.S. has reached an all-time high of 26 years and four months. What do you think?
Tips For Investigating A Crime Scene #~# Brought to you by Angie Tribeca
Pregnant Women Advised Against Potatoes #~# A new study in the British Medical Journal found that women who eat more potatoes during pregnancy are at significantly greater risk for gestational diabetes than those who eat a diet richer in vegetables, beans, and whole grains. What do you think?
Frustrated Rick Santorum Still Waiting For Go-Ahead From God To Suspend Presidential Campaign #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing frustration that he had yet to receive any divine counsel on the matter, former Senator Rick Santorum told reporters Friday that he was still waiting for the go-ahead from God to suspend his presidential campaign. “My relationship with God drives every decision in my life, so here I am, still going through the motions eight months into this presidential run, looking for any green light from Him that I can end this thing,” said Santorum, explaining that he truly believed with all his heart that the Lord Almighty would have provided His blessing to pack it in once his national polling numbers dipped below 1 percent. “Seriously, this has gone on long enough. I really should have received His word, or at least some divine sign by now. I’ll just give God until the South Carolina primary and then I’m going to have to do some serious reevaluating.” At press time, God confirmed that He figured Santorum had already dropped out of the presidential race several months ago.
Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet #~# FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet. “Ubaldo Jimenez looked extremely sharp in five innings of work, so he looks poised for another All-Star season that will hopefully help push us back into the playoffs,” read an excerpt of Gutowski’s most recent post on the inactive Blogspot page, dated March 2, 2011, covering the Rockies’ spring training games. “Meanwhile, Wilin Rosario (remember that name, because he’ll be leading the NL MVP race in a couple years) has been killing it in Double-A with the Tulsa Drillers, so he could be a game-changer later in the year when he gets called up to the majors. Check back next week for a complete position-by-position breakdown of the roster, the latest Prospect Power Rankings, and a list of potential offseason moves the team could still try to make before the season starts.” Reports also stated that the long-dormant blog contained a poll asking readers which team would win the NL West division in 2011, which as of press time had received one vote.
You To Still Die One Day #~# Did You Forget About That For A Minute?
Stingray Loves When Aquarium Visitors Squeal And Recoil After Touching It #~# NEWPORT, OR—Saying there’s nothing better than watching people “totally freak out,” a stingray at the Oregon Coast Aquarium confirmed Friday that it loves when visitors squeal and recoil in horror after touching it. “Oh man, it’s so great when some terrified-looking kid hesitates for a while before finally putting their hand under the water—you just know they’re going to completely lose their shit,” said the cartilaginous fish, describing how it can barely contain its excitement when aquarium patrons immediately pull back their hand upon making contact with its skin, emit a shrill screech, and bolt back several steps from the tank with a disgusted look on their face. “It’s especially great when they yell out stuff like ‘weird,’ ‘gross,’ or ‘ugh, it moved’ as they jump away. I swear, this one time, I sent an entire group of fourth-graders running all the way down to the ‘Secrets of Shipwrecks’ exhibit.” The stingray added, however, that it hates when some overeager freak comes up and goes right for its gill slit.
Shipwreck Found In Search For MH370 #~# The remains of a 19th-century ship have been found by search teams currently sweeping the Indian Ocean for signs of missing Malaysian Airlines flight 370, the second shipwreck the search has uncovered within the past year. What do you think?
Rubio Refutes Claim He Soft On Immigration By Dragging Undocumented Worker He Knocked Out Cold Onto Stage #~# NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—In an attempt to silence party members who have criticized his record on illegal immigration as too weak, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly responded to a question about border security during Thursday night’s GOP debate by dragging the body of an undocumented worker he had knocked out cold onto the stage. “Would someone who’s unprepared to protect our nation from the influx of illegal immigrants do this?” said a sweaty, out-of-breath Rubio, heaving the limp, unconscious body of a migrant turnip picker over his debate lectern for all to see. “For anyone out there who thinks I won’t take a hard stance against those entering our country illegally, have a good look at Humberto here. Things didn’t end too well for him, did they? And I promise to crack down on all 11 million undocumented immigrants in the U.S. with just as much strength and conviction when I’m president.” At press time, Rubio was silently responding to a question about how he would create more job opportunities for out-of-work Americans by repeatedly kicking the crumpled, inert migrant in the gut with his pointed wingtips.
Huckabee Decries Obamacare’s Failure To Help Slow, Cross-Eyed Cousin Who Got Kicked By Mule #~# NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Lamenting that his kin “just weren’t the same since” while responding to a question at Thursday’s undercard debate, Republican candidate Mike Huckabee decried Obamacare’s failure to help his slow-witted, cross-eyed cousin Chester who got kicked by a mule in early 2013. “He’s got a big ol’ crater in his forehead and warn’t able to ’member much, but dang nabbit, even Chester done know that Obamacare let him down,” said Huckabee, adding that the Affordable Care Act had been a whole peck a’ trouble for his cousin, who could purt near only recollect five or six words since his accident but was still “friendlier than a possum in a sack of cackleberries.” “If that don’t beat all, they still saw fit to send us a dad-burned bill for who-knows-what gubmint gobbledygook, even though Chester ain’t a lick better off than afore. I’ll tell ya, when that Obamacare bill showed up, I was madder’n a wet hen.” At press time, Huckabee was criticizing the Obama administration’s disaster relief efforts for failing to save his Aunt Magda’s shack from being swallowed up by a mud hole.
Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today #~# CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today. Witnesses reported that, beginning a half hour before the first bell rang until mid-afternoon, nearly half a dozen instructors had retreated to the faculty area to methodically rub their temples, dab at tears with a wadded-up tissue, or stifle whimpers as they sat with their head in their hands. At one point during fourth period, according to accounts, a ninth-grade English teacher burst into a crying fit while standing in full view of her colleagues, while at the same time, a history teacher reportedly sat in a stackable plastic chair in the opposite corner of the room and muttered unintelligibly to himself for 20 minutes while staring fixedly forward. Further reports have indicated that, over the same day-long period, the school’s various classrooms have been host to at least 53 separate instances of teachers quietly whispering “I can’t keep doing this” under their breath.
St. Louis Rams Moving To L.A. #~# NFL officials have confirmed that the St. Louis Rams will move to Los Angeles next season, paying the NFL a $550 million relocation fee to become the L.A. Rams and play in the Coliseum until construction of their $1.85 billion stadium is complete. What do you think?
Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit #~# SOCORRO, NM—Initiating emergency procedures and sealing security doors throughout the complex, scientists at Monsanto reportedly placed the agrochemical company’s main laboratory on lockdown Thursday after discovering a shattered, empty tomato containment unit.
Leonardo DiCaprio Hopes He Screamed And Cried Good Enough In ‘The Revenant’ To Win Oscar #~# LOS ANGELES—Asked for his thoughts on his Academy Award nomination for Best Actor, Leonardo DiCaprio told reporters Thursday that he really hopes he screamed and cried good enough in The Revenant to win the Oscar. “I yelled really loud in this movie when I was angry and I started crying hard after I got upset, so hopefully the guys who choose the winners saw all that and liked it,” said DiCaprio, who expressed optimism that his chances will be further bolstered by the fact that, in addition to stumbling and falling a bunch of times in the snow, there were some scenes where he shouted so loud it made his throat hurt, and sometimes spittle even came out of his mouth and got trapped in the big, gross beard he grew. “I bet my chances are good because this is the most I’ve ever screamed and cried—way more than I did in Revolutionary Road or Gangs Of New York. Plus my nose was dripping a lot but I didn’t even wipe it; I just left it there.” DiCaprio then admitted that he is still somewhat nervous that he did a bad job during the parts where he sits quietly and looks at something far away.
Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay #~# PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay. “I’m feeling all right today,” said Lambert, who reportedly only attained such a state after the alignment of several thousand factors that included consuming neither too much nor too little coffee, someone turning up the office’s heat, his wireless internet running well, not suddenly remembering an argument from three weeks ago, his heartburn remaining dormant, the subway train running on time, not seeing any exuberant social media posts from his friends announcing significant personal accomplishments, the Philadelphia Flyers winning, a lack of any precipitation, no one noticing he nicked himself shaving, a sufficient but not excessive number of new emails in his inbox upon waking up and checking his phone, his neighbors watching TV at a reasonable volume, the deli still having the kind of bread he likes his sandwiches on by the time he arrived for lunch, and managing to slip silently past his coworker Elaine whenever he walked by her cubicle without being drawn into a long conversation. “I can’t complain.” At press time, the delicate equilibrium was shattered after Lambert went online to check his bank account’s balance.
How To Adopt A Child #~# Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:
New Survey Highlights Silicon Valley Sexism #~# A recent survey of 200 high-ranking women in Silicon Valley found that 60 percent of respondents had received unwanted sexual advances from colleagues and 75 percent have been asked about their marital status in an interview, statistics that highlight the persistent gender gap in the tech world. What do you think?
Powerball Climbs To $1.5 Billion #~# The multi-state Powerball lottery, to be drawn Wednesday night, has now shattered world records and reached a new jackpot of $1.5 billion, though the odds of winning are approximately 1 in 292 million. What do you think?
Study Links Binge Eating To Stress, Contentment, Depression, Joy, Boredom, Anger, Relaxation #~# DURHAM, NC—Providing insight into the potential causes underlying the unhealthy behavior, a Duke University study released Wednesday has discovered a strong correlation between binge eating and feelings of stress, contentment, depression, joy, boredom, anger, and relaxation. “Our data indicate that a highly positive, negative, or completely neutral emotional state is associated with a drastic increase in the quantity of food a person will consume in a single sitting,” said the study’s lead author, Helen Ermel, who noted that feelings of anxiety, self-confidence, embarrassment, grief, relief, hostility, composure, envy, pity, pride, and regret were also found to be linked to overeating. “We observed that subjects are likely to eat twice or even three times as much as is considered healthy if they have a particularly heavy workload, if they have absolutely no work to do at all, if they are satisfied with the direction in which their career and relationships are going, if they feel their life is meaningless and all their efforts have thus far been useless, if they’ve had a long and mentally taxing day, if they’ve had a pleasant or rewarding experience, or if they just woke up. And these correlations appear to be extremely robust.” The study further found that people are most prone to overeat during lunch, breakfast, dinner, brunch, afternoon or late-night snacking, and dessert.
Learned Sage Points Out That Powerball Not As Much After Taxes #~# BELLEVUE, WA—Imparting his profound enlightenment and worldly understanding onto all who would heed his words, local billing clerk and learned sage Cameron Wenzel reportedly pointed out Wednesday that the Powerball jackpot is not worth as much after taxes. “They say the jackpot’s $1.5 billion, but you don’t actually get all of that,” the keenly perceptive man of learning informed several coworkers, allowing them to ponder his illuminating pronouncement for several moments before shrewdly explaining that the government “takes a whole lot of it.” “You don’t get even close to that much. If you think you’re getting the whole thing, you’re in for a big surprise.” Sources confirmed that the wise guru then offered those gathered in the office break room one final insightful teaching, saying that were he himself to win, the first thing he would do is hire a tax adviser.
High School Bully Worried Victims Will Realize He Actually Retarded Faggot Himself #~# BYRON, IL—In a rare moment of candidness between verbally and physically abusing his peers, local bully Pete Pachego, 14, shared his concerns with reporters Wednesday that his victims might one day realize he was actually a retarded faggot himself. “I spend all day telling guys at school that they’re gaywads and queermos, so if they ever found out that I’m actually a stupid cockmuncher, I really don’t know what I’d do,” said Pachego, adding that he often found himself paralyzed with dread that someone would discover that he was simply projecting his own retardedness and love of dicklicking onto the smaller, more vulnerable kids in his class. “Deep down, I guess I realize I’m so mean and hurtful to others because I don’t know how else to deal with the fact that I’m the one who still shits my pants and that I’m easily the fruitiest little fudgepacker of them all. Imagine if everyone knew; it would be devastating.” Pachego then sighed and told reporters that he was certain at least some of his victims were beginning to suspect, rightly, that his dick looks like a Tic Tac.
Playboy Mansion For Sale #~# The 20,000-square-foot Playboy Mansion is currently on the market for $200 million, one of the highest asking prices for a home in the United States, though the terms of the sale dictate that owner Hugh Hefner may continue living in the home until his death. What do you think?
Obama Praises Own Strength, Resilience In Face Of Hardship During State Of The Union #~# WASHINGTON—Recounting in detail the numerous struggles and tribulations of the past seven years, an impassioned President Obama loftily praised his own strength and resilience in the face of adversity Tuesday evening during his final State of the Union address. “In my two terms in office, this country has faced unprecedented challenges both at home and abroad, but if there is one constant amid this turmoil, if there’s one truth we can all hold onto, it’s that through it all I have remained steadfast and resolute—my perseverance never ceases to amaze me,” said Obama, his voice swelling with pride and conviction as he noted how, time and again, he has withstood every attack or heartache that has befallen him. “From the BP oil spill, to gun violence, to ISIS—I have met every hardship with the deepest resolve. Consider how truly inspiring that is. It is a testament to my incredible determination. My fellow Americans, these are trying times, but knowing what I know about me, about the type of good person I am, there is no doubt in my mind that I will get through whatever I encounter and emerge stronger on the other side.” Obama added that it was precisely this indomitable spirit that made America great.
Biden Urges Paul Ryan To Check Out Nude Scene From ‘Porky’s’ On Phone #~# ‘Get A Load Of This’
Paul Ryan Quietly Doing Seated Ab Exercises Throughout State Of The Union #~# WASHINGTON—Taking the opportunity to strengthen his core during the president’s hour-long remarks, House Speaker Paul Ryan is said to have quietly performed a series of ab exercises as he sat through the State of the Union address Tuesday, sources reported. “Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty—come on, let’s push it, two more sets,” whispered Ryan, who reportedly grunted at regular intervals from his seat several feet behind President Obama as he targeted his midsection, obliques, and lower back with a regimen of ab squeezes, leg pull-ins, and seated crunches. “Keep it going now. Yeah, that burn is the body getting stronger. Stick with it.” At press time, Ryan was reportedly spotted grabbing a plastic sports bottle from the floor of the rostrum and dousing his face with water while the president described his vision for America’s future trade role in the Pacific.
Signs Of Dinosaur ‘Foreplay’ Discovered #~# Paleontologists in Colorado have found scratch patterns left by dinosaurs that appear to be nest-building maneuvers, but because no evidence of nesting was found at the site, scientists hypothesize these marks were in fact part of the males’ mating ritual to entice females to build nests with them. What do you think?
How To Arrange A Funeral #~# Losing a loved one can send mourners into a haze of emotion, and funeral planning can seem like a daunting task amidst one’s grief. Here is The Onion’s step-by-step guide to making funerary preparations:
Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard #~# ‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers
Aw, Fer Crying Out Loud! #~# Come on! Are you serious? You can’t be serious. Really? Really?
Dolce & Gabbana Debut Hijabs, Abayas #~# Fashion house Dolce & Gabbana has released a line of floral hijabs and abayas to begin catering to Muslim women, a $266 billion market that Tommy Hilfiger and DKNY have recently begun designing for as well. What do you think?
BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game #~# ‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously
‘Mein Kampf’ Returns To German Bookstores #~# Following the copyright expiration of Mein Kampf, the manifesto Hitler wrote from prison in 1925, the book has been released in Germany for the first time in 70 years and has sold out completely within days of its republication. What do you think?
Woman Feels Like She’s Finally Ready To Start Receiving Unsolicited Vulgar Messages Again #~# SAN DIEGO—Explaining that she had needed a few months to herself to “get back to the right emotional place,” local woman Laura Berman told reporters Monday she finally felt ready to start receiving completely unsolicited and extremely vulgar messages again. “It was really important to have some time to regroup, but now I think I’m ready to put myself out there again,” said Berman, who stated that, after careful consideration, she has decided to open herself back up to a relentless barrage of sexually explicit and unwelcome emails and texts from strangers. “Call me old-fashioned, but I’m glad I waited until I was mentally prepared to start [opening crude and offensive messages from men who I’ve only spoken to briefly, if at all, that make me feel incredibly uncomfortable, and then after I’ve politely asked them to stop, being bombarded with obscene insults and sometimes violent threats that make me terrified to even look at my phone]. I think it’s time.” At press time, Berman reportedly expressed surprise at how easy it was to get back in the swing of things after opening three consecutive messages containing photos of various unknown men’s genitals.
Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate #~# WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
Supportive Parents Encourage Child’s Interests In Anything Within 15-Minute Drive #~# SIMSBURY, CT—Saying they wanted their daughter to follow her passions, the parents of 8-year-old Kaylee Maxwell told reporters Monday that they strongly encourage all of her interests that are within a 15-minute drive. “We want Kaylee to pursue what makes her happy, whether that’s music, dance, rock climbing, martial arts—as long as it’s the taekwondo place by the mall, and not karate, which is in Farmington—whatever her heart desires,” said Kaylee’s mother, Jennifer Maxwell, adding that she would gladly take her daughter to any necessary meetings or practices that happened to be located on her drive to work. “Anything in the world that’s eight, maybe nine miles away that expands her horizons is definitely something we want to support. And if it’s something that she can do with one of her friends in the neighborhood whose parents are willing to carpool, all the better.” The Maxwells admitted, however, that they were actively discouraging their daughter from a small handful of potentially dangerous extracurriculars, such as mountain biking, snowboarding, and similar activities for which they’d have to constantly fold down the backseat to accommodate equipment.
Peyton Manning’s 14-Foot-Tall Wife Crushes Skull Of Sports Journalist Asking About HGH #~# DENVER—Tearing her blouse seams as she angrily flexed her massive, rippling biceps, Ashley Manning, the 14-foot-tall wife of Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, crushed the skull of a journalist inquiring about allegations that she received shipments of human growth hormone on behalf of her husband, sources confirmed Friday. “Arrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh!” the enormous, muscle-bound 390-pound woman bellowed upon being asked about her connection to the Indianapolis-based Guyer Institute medical center, before she then grabbed the reporter’s head with one hand, squeezed it until his skull caved in, and violently slammed his limp body into the ground. “No comment!” Sources confirmed that Peyton Manning was unavailable for questions after his wife tucked him under her arm and carried him away.
Chicago Police Department To Monitor All Interactions With Public Using New Bullet Cams #~# CHICAGO—In response to calls for increased transparency and accountability, the Chicago Police Department announced Friday that it will begin monitoring all interactions with the public by using new bullet cams. “To ensure that all contact between law enforcement officers and residents is properly documented, five megapixel, high-definition cameras will be affixed to our standard-grade 9mm Luger caliber ammunition,” said Chicago Police Department Interim Superintendent John Escalante, adding that the bullet cams will capture the majority of public interactions and store them in a database. “We’ve invested heavily to modernize our police force and hope that the initiative will eliminate any misunderstandings between citizens and law enforcement.” When asked whether the public would have access to the footage, a Chicago police spokesperson had no comment. 
Pediatricians: Screen All Children For Depression, HIV #~# The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends in its new guidelines that all children regardless of risk level be regularly tested for high cholesterol, depression, and HIV, screenings that could detect issues early enough to eliminate the need for medication later in life. What do you think?
Roller Coaster Designer’s Artistic Vision Sullied By Fantastic Four Tie-In #~# GURNEE, IL—Insisting that every ounce of integrity had been removed from his creation, roller coaster designer Jonathan Leeman told reporters Friday that Six Flags Great America’s egregious incorporation of the Fantastic Four into his ride had completely sullied his artistic vision. “I didn’t spend a year crafting each corkscrew, hammerhead turn, and dive loop of this ride to have it tarnished with a blue-and-silver color scheme and cars painted to vaguely resemble Mister Fantastic and Doctor Doom,” said Leeman, shaking his head and remarking that, had he known it was going to have a 20-foot-tall number 4 mounted to the side of it, he never would have added a 17-story lift hill. “This ride was supposed to be purely about the thrills, the choreographed push and pull of G-forces, but look at it now: a garish mishmash of steel, comic book art, and speakers that endlessly blare The Thing’s awful roar. It’s a hideous perversion of what it once stood for.” At press time, Leeman was reportedly relieved to learn that his newest idea for an inverted coaster would, in contrast, be subtly complemented and enhanced by several tasteful likenesses of Yosemite Sam.
White House Carefully Screening Any Gun Control Town Hall Questions That Address Obama As ‘Mein Führer’ #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure a constructive discussion for tonight’s town hall on gun control, White House Communications Director Jen Psaki told reporters Thursday that officials are carefully screening any audience questions that refer to President Obama as “Mein Führer.” “While we try to include as many different questions as we can regarding the various elements of the gun control debate, any inquiry that specifically addresses the president as ‘Mein Führer’ will be immediately discarded,” said Psaki, adding that the vetting process also involved promptly removing submissions that contain various iterations of “tyrant,” “the Kenyan,” and “Dictator Obama.” “It’s quite challenging to catch all of them since there are so many questions, and most are written in all capital letters, with multiple exclamation points instead of question marks. We received an excellent query about state versus federal background check protocols, but it began with a reference to Sharia law, so it was instantly rejected.” Psaki told reporters, however, that in order to fill out the hour-long forum, the White House would have to let one question about false flag attacks slide.
Nation Fondly Recalls When Just Regulating Video Games Seemed Like Solution To Gun Violence #~# WASHINGTON—Faced with seemingly ceaseless debates over how to curb the rampant number of shootings occurring across the country, millions of Americans took a brief moment Thursday to fondly look back at a time when simply regulating video games seemed like the best solution to gun violence. “You know, there was a brief period when slapping a ‘Mature’ sticker on the cover of a violent video game was the single, clear-cut way to end all gun-related deaths in America,” said Annalise Wexler of Los Altos, CA, who went on to nostalgically reminisce about the then-widely held belief that prohibiting the sale of first-person shooter games to children without parental permission appeared to be a totally concrete and comprehensive preventative measure against mass shootings. “Forget trying to figure out how to expand access to mental health services, enforce more stringent background checks in all 50 states, or restrict the sale of military-grade assault weapons and bulk ammunition—back then we figured we could just ban death metal music and call it a day. Man, those were good times.” Many Americans also admitted to reporters that they desperately miss the bygone era when they could blame anyone but themselves for perpetuating gun violence by electing officials who refuse to pass stricter gun control laws.
Saudi Executioner Thinks He Pulled Something In Shoulder During Last 10 Decapitations #~# AL MUZAHIMIYAH, SAUDI ARABIA—Complaining that he must have “tweaked it pretty good,” Saudi executioner Khalid al-Faraj told reporters Thursday that he thinks he pulled something in his shoulder during yesterday’s last 10 decapitations. “Around the seventh or eighth beheading I came around kind of awkwardly on my windup and heard this loud pop, and I knew immediately that something wasn’t right, ” said al-Faraj, adding that he attempted to ignore the dull pain spreading through his upper right arm and power through the rest of the executions, but he barely had enough strength left to make a clean slice on the final prisoner. “When I got home I took a few Aleve and put some Icy Hot on it, but this morning when I woke up I couldn’t even lift my arm and the pain had spread down to my elbow. I just hope the swelling goes down soon because I’ve got a pretty big slate on Monday.” Al-Faraj told reporters that, on the orders of his orthopedist, he would have to miss out on this weekend’s public stoning of a woman accused of adultery.
The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting #~# The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting:
Parrots Observed Using Tools, Sharing #~# Psychologists have found that captive parrots use tools such as pebbles or date pits to scrape the inside of seashells to derive their nourishing calcium powder and also share those tools with one another, the first evidence of a nonhuman species exhibiting these behaviors. What do you think?
God Refuses To Grant Any More Transcendent Near-Death Experiences To People Who Crash Snowmobiles #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying He was fed up with providing His divine assistance in such cases, the Lord our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, proclaimed Thursday He would no longer bestow transcendent near-death experiences upon people who crash their snowmobiles. “From now on, if you tear off into the woods on a snowmobile, hit a rock, and go flying headlong into a tree, do not expect to see a blissful white light or feel an overwhelming sense of peace at all,” said God, who added that the next time someone sustained life-threatening injuries while trying to snowmobile across a partially frozen lake after drinking heavily with their friends, the only thing they would experience would be a long, painful wait for an ambulance. “Let me be absolutely clear: If you go and do 90 on your Arctic Cat, smash your skull in, and are declared clinically dead for a few minutes, you absolutely will not get to glimpse Heaven, see My face, or even watch scenes from your life passing before your eyes—none of it. I’ve done all that for this one idiot three times already. Enough is enough.” The Lord added that, as always, people critically injured in hang-gliding accidents would still be allowed to meet all their dead relatives before waking up.
North Korea Successfully Harvests Wheat In Show Of Growing Strength #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Calling the effort a dramatic display of the Asian country’s powerful capabilities, officials from the RAND Corporation confirmed Wednesday that North Korea has successfully harvested wheat. “Our most generous estimates projected that they would not produce the cereal grain for at least another 15 years, but the evidence revealed that North Korea is far more advanced than expected,” said lead analyst Art Bennett, explaining that the 20-square-foot wheat crop, which was cultivated outside of Pyongyang, could potentially lead to the development of flour within the next decade. “We can’t say conclusively whether or not they actually filled an entire bushel basket. What we do know is that this progress has put the world on notice. North Korea could very well have bread by 2050.” At press time, satellite images revealed that North Korean military had begun to assemble a rudimentary grain silo.
Nation Shudders To Think How Mad NRA Would Be If Obama Actually Proposed Meaningful Gun Control #~# WASHINGTON—Citing the group’s outrage over recent executive orders aimed at reducing gun violence, Americans across the nation collectively shuddered Wednesday at the mere thought of the National Rifle Association’s furious reaction were President Obama to actually propose concrete and meaningful gun control legislation. “Given how upset and defensive they got about some watered-down measures that will never receive funding anyway, I hate to think how the NRA would react if something was put on the table that could actually, you know, regulate the sale and use of guns in the United States,” said 44-year-old Ohio resident Bill Glaser, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who confirmed that they don’t even want to consider the kind of over-the-top, inflammatory rhetoric the lobbying group would be using right now if the president had introduced definitive plans to stop guns from getting into the hands of criminals or Americans suffering from mental health issues. “I mean, just look at their veiled threats against Obama and other government officials over the idea to just marginally expand background checks—can you even imagine the things they’d be doing if Obama had just announced a nationwide assault weapons ban? Just the prospect of that is completely terrifying.” Americans were reportedly somewhat comforted, however, by the realization that the odds of such a scenario ever occurring are virtually nonexistent.
Study: Presidents Die Sooner Than Opponents #~# A study analyzing data from 17 countries found that, although elected leaders live slightly longer than the average citizen, the losers in these elections tend to outlive the victors by approximately three years, a disparity likely caused by the stress of leadership. What do you think?
World Health Organization Adds Gunfire, Explosions To List Of Natural Causes Of Death #~# GENEVA—Explaining that fatalities attributable to such afflictions had become prevalent among a wide variety of populations across the globe, the World Health Organization announced Wednesday that the group had added gunfire and explosions to its official list of natural causes of death. “As we compile data going forward, any individual whose death results from a mass shooting, bombing, or any combination of the two will be considered as having succumbed to natural causes,” said WHO director-general Margaret Chan, noting that fatal wounds caused by bullets, shrapnel, and other ricocheting debris would be counted alongside heart disease, organ failure, and other age-associated diseases as natural threats to the human body. “Suffering multiple gunshot wounds or being in the vicinity of a suicide bomber, car bomb, or IED are completely commonplace maladies faced by people of all ages and ethnicities. Statistically, it no longer makes sense for us to include them with accidents, drownings, or any other non-natural causes of death.” Chan added that the organization would launch a campaign aimed at raising awareness among individuals especially at risk of contracting fatal gunfire and explosions, including the young, adults, the elderly, residents in urban and rural areas, and those in both industrialized and impoverished nations.
Transportation Secretary Calls For $200 Billion In Funding To Repair Nation’s Rickety Wooden Bridges #~# WASHINGTON—Saying such infrastructure improvements were necessary to ensure citizens could continue to pass safely over the nation’s dangerous river rapids and precipitous chasms, Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx called for $200 billion in funding Wednesday to repair the country’s rickety wooden bridges. “A recent survey of wood-and-rope bridges throughout the United States found that most are unsafe for travel due to heavily frayed ropes and planks that have decayed to the point of imminent collapse, putting far too many adventurous and treasure-seeking Americans in danger,” said Foxx, adding that any wooden bridge repair bill put forth by Congress must include a substantial investment to fix the many long gaps of broken and missing slats that Americans can only currently traverse via treacherous leaps. “Sadly, there have already been numerous reports of these frail, swaying bridges failing in various parts of the country, oftentimes just mere moments after an individual finishes crossing them, typically leaving their traveling companion stranded on the other side, or worse, clinging precariously to a sheer cliff face. This is simply unthinkable in a nation as advanced as ours.” Foxx added that, unless sufficient funding was authorized in the near future, he would have no choice but to close many of the rickety wooden bridges nationwide, forcing Americans to make longer and more difficult commutes over rushing rivers by walking across the backs of full-grown crocodiles.
Corn Added To List Of Items That Upset Grandma’s Stomach #~# JOPLIN, MO—Saying that even a small amount of the grain gives her trouble, local grandmother Gertrude Rogers, 84, announced Monday that corn has been added to the list of food items that upset her stomach. “Oh, I just can’t handle corn like I used to anymore,” said Rogers of the cereal plant, which has been identified along with broccoli, red meat, milk, peppers, legumes, cabbage, fettuccine Alfredo, dill pickles, honey glazed ham, nuts, fried shrimp, and pineapple as a food she should avoid, especially after 7 p.m. “You go ahead and enjoy. I’ll be just fine with the brown rice and some squash.” At press time, Rogers confirmed that the squash was starting to make her feel “a little green around the gills.”
How Firearm Background Checks Work #~# With gun violence in the United States rising to unprecedented levels, many lawmakers have pushed to expand federal background checks for the purchase of firearms. Here’s how background checks are currently conducted:
Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws #~# KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn. “The grizzly was waiting patiently and just snatched Phelps right out of the air when he launched from the water—it was so majestic,” said eyewitness Robert Simon, adding that the massive bear gorged on the protein-rich 18-time Olympic gold medal winner. “Phelps managed to wriggle free for a second and was flopping around like crazy, but the grizzly stunned him smashing his body against the rocks. And then the bear just ripped open Phelps’ belly with its claws.” At press time, the grizzly’s two cubs were fighting over the last few scraps of the 6’4” competitive swimmer.
Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas #~# He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too
Women In Hollywood Perfectly Okay They Not Represented Behind The Scenes Of ‘The Blacklist’ #~# LOS ANGELES—While acknowledging concerns that men vastly outnumber women in key creative positions in Hollywood, a coalition of female writers, producers, and directors told reporters Wednesday they have “absolutely no problem at all” being underrepresented behind the scenes of NBC’s The Blacklist. “It is high time that women made significant strides forward in film and television, but that said, we’re totally fine not making any of those strides on a show where James Spader regularly wears a fedora and is supposed to be the world’s greatest criminal mastermind,” said coalition spokeswoman Gina Erickson, adding that the ongoing movement for equality in the industry could still make progress even if men wrote most of the dialogue spoken by actresses in a drama that rests on the concept that Spader has compiled a list of the world’s most dangerous criminals and demands to lead FBI efforts to catch them. “If the unique perspectives of women in modern society aren’t fully articulated on a dramatic TV series in which the lead female character is an FBI profiler who fails to realize her own husband is a secret assassin, that is, in all honestly, completely acceptable to us.” The coalition later issued a broader statement indicating that, upon further review, they would in fact be okay with not being represented behind the scenes of NBC’s entire current programming lineup.
Scientists To ‘Resurrect’ Giant Tortoise #~# Though the last living Galapagos tortoise, “Lonesome George,” died in 2012 at 100 years old, scientists are hopeful they can resurrect the extinct species and return it to its environment by breeding tortoises on nearby islands who have the closest DNA match to George. What do you think?
Vatican Tour Group Catches Glimpse Of Pale, Emaciated Joseph Ratzinger Scuttling Into Dark Catacombs #~# VATICAN CITY—Following a guided tour of the excavated ruins beneath St. Peter’s Basilica on Tuesday, several stunned members of a Vatican sightseeing group told reporters they had glimpsed a gaunt and haggard Joseph Ratzinger as he scuttled past them in the dark corridors of the subterranean burial site.
Poll Finds Hillary Clinton Candidate Most Americans Want To Have 8-Ounce Glass Of Tap Water With #~# WASHINGTON—According to a Pew Research Center poll released Tuesday, the majority of registered voters in the U.S. chose Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton as the candidate they would most like to have an 8-ounce glass of tap water with. “Roughly 68 percent of the likely voters we surveyed said that among the current field of presidential hopefuls, they would prefer to drink a small paper cup of room-temperature water with Hillary Clinton,” said researcher Rachel Glenn, who added that both registered Democrats and Republicans said they could readily see themselves standing next to Clinton in front of a kitchen sink or beside a water cooler, with both nodding politely at each other’s pleasantries while they took sips from their respective cups. “Unlike a Donald Trump or a Chris Christie, Hillary Clinton is widely considered by Americans to be the kind of person they could spend a minute or so with until they finished their glass of water before quietly walking away. That quality isn’t something a candidate can just learn, but Clinton has it.” Glenn noted that this issue could be crucial when it comes time for Americans to resign themselves to one candidate in November.
Baltimore Named City With Best Quality Of Pigeon Life #~# BALTIMORE—Noting key indicators such as safety, health, and climate, a new survey published Tuesday in the Wall Street Journal ranked Baltimore the number-one city in the U.S. for quality of pigeon life. “Baltimore came out ahead of pigeon-friendly cities like New York and Boston due to its ample nesting alcoves, the lack of bird-repellent spikes, and the accessibility of dropped French fries and corn dogs,” said the newspaper’s senior editor, Bethany Crandall, adding that pigeons in the mid-Atlantic metropolis enjoyed sprawling public parks and some of the lowest rates of toddler-chasings in the country. “Baltimore has a vibrant and diverse pigeon population, and there are lots of flock-friendly places to raise chicks. The number and variety of puddles is a major draw, and the awnings are world-class. It’s no wonder that more and more pigeons are choosing to make the city home.” The survey also found that Philadelphia was the best city for single pigeons. 
What You Need To Know About The Oregon Militia Standoff #~# During a rally in Oregon for two ranchers convicted of arson, a group of anti-government protesters initiated the armed occupation of a federal building at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge. Here is everything you need to know about the militia standoff:
Man Who Saw ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ 6 Times Over Holidays Thought It Was Pretty Good #~# CHICAGO—Stressing that the movie “definitely had some cool moments,” local man Jeff Feitel, who saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens six times over the holidays, told reporters Monday that he thought it was pretty good. “I had a few issues with some stuff, but overall I thought it was a fun movie,” said Feitel, who over the past two weeks has cumulatively spent 14 hours and $87 attending screenings of the film, including multiple 3D viewings, a midnight showing, and an IMAX screening at 8:50 a.m. “I honestly thought the lightsaber battles were just so-so, but the reliance on practical effects was kind of awesome. And it lays out a pretty compelling mythology for the next couple movies, too.”At press time, Feitel was reportedly purchasing a ticket to see The Force Awakens again that evening.
Pajama-Clad Child Makes Turbulent Rampage Through Dinner Party #~# BOSTON—Noting his short outbursts of laughter as he charged across the house, sources confirmed Saturday that pajama-clad 5-year-old Lucas Mason made a turbulent rampage through a dinner party hosted by his parents. Mason, who reportedly hopped around the living room growling and stomping like a dinosaur in front of eight of his parents’ friends and coworkers, is said to have quickly circled around the coffee table several times before grabbing a handful of tortilla chips. Reports indicate that the preschooler then slipped between several of the guests, interrupting their conversation to regale them with a ranking of his favorite Transformers. Sources confirmed that the 5-year-old, who had removed his astronaut pajama top during his escapade, briefly disappeared from the social gathering, but soon returned dragging a bin full of plastic trucks, which he dumped on the floor in front of the makeshift cocktail bar and snack selection that had been set up on a buffet table. At press time, Mason had reportedly made eye contact with his parents and immediately gone into hiding under a chair in the kitchen. 
America, China Trying To Spice Up Trade Relationship By Bringing Third Country Into Negotiations #~# WASHINGTON—Saying their current process of establishing economic pacts had become stale and predictable, high-ranking government officials from the United States and China confirmed Monday that the two nations had decided to try spicing up their trade relationship by bringing a third country into their negotiations. “We’ve been trading with each other for such a long time now that we thought introducing another partner into our talks could help shake us out of our set routine,” said U.S. trade representative Michael Froman, who noted that after several decades of bilaterally negotiating tariffs and import quotas, both countries were able to anticipate each other’s offers and counter-proposals to an extent that had drained all spontaneity from the relationship. “We realize there are risks, and there are still kinks to be worked out. For example, we’ve had our eye on a Scandinavian country for some time, while China’s been pushing hard to get us involved with a Latin American nation. But we both agree that if we’re honest about our economic wants and needs, we may find a country that will not only revitalize our trade relationship, but bring us closer together than ever before.” Froman added that the U.S. would be careful not to make the same mistake it did with Venezuela a few years back, when a jealous tiff over petroleum exports led to a series of economically painful sanctions that has left the two no longer on speaking terms.
Exhausted Bill Belichick Attempts To Wake Up By Splashing Some Blood On His Face #~# HINGHAM, MA—After getting out of bed and trudging into his bathroom early Monday morning, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly attempted to wake himself up by splashing some blood on his face. “I’m usually pretty groggy in the morning, so this is a good way to get energized,” said Belichick as he cupped some cold blood in his hands, tossed it onto his face several times in quick succession, and rubbed some blood in his eyes before drying off with a washcloth. “I always feel so much better afterwards—refreshed and ready to start my day. It wakes me up right away, which is great when I don’t have time for my usual hot blood shower in the morning.” Reports later confirmed that after getting dressed and putting on his shoes, Belichick realized he was late for work and quickly filled a travel mug with some steaming hot blood before rushing out the door.
Sale Of Gas-Fueled Cars To Be Limited By 2050 #~# ​The United Nations Conference on Climate Change announced an agreement by five countries to ban the sale of new gas-fueled cars by 2050, a move that would reduce global pollution but could cause economic complications if electric car production is unable to meet rising demand. What do you think?
‘Spotlight’ Wins Best Picture #~# The highest honor of the 88th Academy Awards went to Spotlight, a film based on the true story of Boston reporters who uncover the Catholic Church’s systemic child abuse. What do you think?
Nate Silver Projects Super Tuesday Results Using Microscopic Electorate Grown In Petri Dish #~# NEW YORK—Saying the forecast method had an extremely high degree of accuracy, political statistician Nate Silver announced Monday he had projected the results of Super Tuesday’s presidential primary elections using a microscopic U.S. electorate he had grown in a petri dish. “By growing a colony of 146 million micrometer-tall Americans in the FiveThirtyEight lab and subjecting them to a variety of electoral variables, I’ve been able to predict the outcomes of all 13 primaries and caucuses that will be contested on Super Tuesday,” wrote Silver in a post on his website, explaining that he had been careful to cultivate the voter population in a nutrient-rich agar medium so it was demographically identical to that of the United States, just at 1/2,000,000th the size. “At that scale, election cycles progress approximately 4,000 times faster than in our environment, which allowed me to run hundreds of iterations of Super Tuesday on the microscopic electorate, varying such factors as last-minute political endorsements and the temperature in various regions on voting day with each individual test. This has yielded a high level of certainty about how Americans will vote tomorrow, and I can say that in 91 percent of all scenarios, microscopic Donald Trump had a very big day.” Silver added that, based on his experiment, there was a roughly 3 percent chance that the Super Tuesday results would polarize the electorate to such a degree that they would begin attacking one another and attempting to feast on the others’ stores of sugar.
Peyton Manning Fondly Recalls When Not Winning Super Bowl Was Most Damaging Part Of Legacy #~# DENVER—Amid recent accusations of HGH use and resurfacing sexual assault allegations from his time in college, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning fondly recalled when the most damaging aspect of his legacy was that he had not won a Super Bowl, sources confirmed Monday. “You know, I really miss when the biggest hit to my personal and professional reputation was failing to deliver a championship with the Colts,” said Manning, adding that he now longs for past ridicule that focused exclusively on below-par performances in the playoffs against lower-seeded AFC teams. “Those really were the days, when comparisons to Dan Marino and Charles Barkley were my biggest source of embarrassment, and when the absolute worst things anyone could say about me were that I choke in big games and can’t handle playing in cold weather. Man, what I would give to just go back to that.” Manning added that he took for granted all the years when simply winning a football game was enough to prove that people were wrong about him.
‘I’m Trump All The Way,’ Says Man Who Will Die From Mishandling Fireworks Months Before Election #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—According to statements made Monday by local resident David Kearney, a 36-year-old delivery driver who will die in a fireworks mishap months before the general election, he is “a Trump man all the way.” “I like what Trump has to say—he isn’t afraid to take on anyone,” said the man who, long before November, will be pronounced dead on arrival at a nearby hospital after duct-taping several M-80s together in his backyard, lighting the self-rigged explosive device, and then, after accidentally knocking the mortar tube on its side while attempting to run away from the blast, will suffer severe trauma as his “Stone Cold” Steve Austin shirt and cargo shorts are set ablaze while his horrified family looks on. “The politicians in Washington lie to our faces. Trump’s the only one who tells the truth. He’ll turn the country around.” Kearney said he was convinced to vote for Trump by the candidate’s debate performances, events he was narrowly able to witness following a close call last summer when his ATV overturned at high speed after he lost control of the vehicle while firing a handgun at a stop sign.
Rubio Campaign Hires New Candidate In Top-Level Staff Shakeup #~# MIAMI—In what political observers characterized as the organization’s highest-level staff shakeup to date, the presidential campaign of Sen. Marco Rubio announced Monday it would be bringing on a new candidate for the remainder of the 2016 election.
Graphic Play Making People Faint #~# Cleansed, an ongoing play at the National Theatre in London, is causing several audience members to faint in their seats with its vivid depictions of rape, torture, and dismemberment. What do you think?
Common Benefits Of Cat Ownership #~# Brought to you by Temptations
Tips For Spoiling Your Cat #~# Brought to you by Temptations
Leonardo DiCaprio Morphs Back Into Hairy, Overweight Iowan After Finally Receiving Oscar #~# LOS ANGELES—Undergoing a rapid physical transformation the instant his hand grasped the Academy Award for best actor, Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly morphed back into a hairy, heavyset Iowan Sunday after finally winning an Oscar. “This is great—I’ve been waiting for one of these things for a long time. Now, I can finally go back home to Boone and get back to driving a flatbed truck for a living,” said the disheveled DiCaprio, scratching at his itchy scalp and causing dandruff flakes to flutter down to his shoulders as his tuxedo transformed into a tattered, mustard-stained flannel shirt. “I’m gonna put this on the shelf next to my bowling trophies. I can’t wait to celebrate tonight with a 30 rack of Busch.” At press time, DiCaprio was escorted off the stage by a visibly repulsed model trying to keep her distance from the foul-smelling actor.
SeaWorld Admits To Spying On PETA #~# SeaWorld CEO Joel Manby has admitted that employees of the park were sent undercover to PETA meetings to incite confrontation and illegal action among animal rights activists. What do you think?
Perfect Gentleman Does Not Assault Drunk Woman #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Describing the fact that he had not caused her any physical harm as a mark of true gentility, sources confirmed Friday that local man Thomas Lowell had been a “perfect gentleman” the night before by not assaulting 25-year-old Leah Pace while she was inebriated. “Leah had a bit too much to drink, but Tom was an absolute gentleman the whole night,” said Pace’s friend Amber Cohen, bestowing the highest standards of chivalry and honorability upon the man for refraining from endangering Pace’s personal safety or exploiting her drunken state to engage in sexual acts without her consent. “Nothing bad happened at all. He’s a really good guy.” Sources later reported that the man who did not harass Pace with aggressive and lewd text messages the following day was a total sweetheart.
More Realistic Meat Substitute Made From Soy Raised In Brutally Cruel Conditions #~# ROCHESTER, MN—Hailing it as the best-tasting and most satisfying such product on the market, vegetarian food manufacturer Greenwood Farms unveiled a more realistic meat substitute Friday made from soy raised in brutally cruel conditions.
Man Makes Quick Call To Parents So Next Week’s Call To Ask For Money Doesn’t Seem That Bad #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that he wanted to lay the groundwork with a quick check-in to “see how they were doing,” local 24-year-old Grant Talbot reportedly made a phone call to his parents Friday so his call next week asking for money wouldn’t seem that bad. “Usually, I ask about a few things back home to soften them up before calling back a few days later to say I’m running low on cash,” said Talbot, who told reporters that the 17-minute conversation with his mother and father about topics such as recent family gatherings, kitchen renovations, and plans for the summer would significantly lessen the blow of next week’s request for $350 to help pay bills. “I mentioned a few things going on in my life and hinted that I’m thinking about coming home soon. That should really do the trick so it doesn’t seem like every call is just about money.” At press time, Talbot’s parents had already written out the check to send their son in anticipation of his inevitable follow-up call asking for money.
Massachusetts To Establish Rattlesnake Colony #~# A vacant island in Massachusetts will soon be home to a venomous timber rattlesnake colony so their decimated numbers can thrive in isolation, though nearby inhabitants fear that the snakes will swim ashore and infest residents’ homes. What do you think?
Tiny Ben Carson Tugs At Debate Moderator’s Pant Leg #~# ‘Hey! Down Here!’ Candidate Says
Ted Cruz Provides Detailed Response To Moderator’s Question About Why His Face So Fucking Infuriating #~# HOUSTON—Responding to moderator Wolf Blitzer’s question about why voters who look at him are overwhelmed with feelings of intense aggravation and disgust, presidential candidate Ted Cruz provided a comprehensive outline during Thursday night’s GOP debate laying out exactly why his face is so fucking infuriating. “Ever since I was a child, I have had a weaselly, piece-of-shit face that you can’t help but want to hit, and that’s never changed—how many other candidates on this stage can say that?” said Cruz, adding that oftentimes when he looks in the mirror, even he wants to drive a screwdriver through his eyes so he never has to see his stupid, boxy head and waggling, doughy chin ever again. “Let me be clear: When voters look at my shit-eating, smug-as-fuck smirk, they can’t help but want to wipe it off by grabbing me by my waxy hair and smashing my face repeatedly into a tabletop. I believe that’s something every American can agree on.” At press time, Cruz’s explanation was cut off by Donald Trump loudly claiming that none of the other candidates’ faces could even come close to how leathery and enraging his is.
U.S. Students’ Toy Boat Washes Ashore In Wales #~# A fourth-grade class has learned that the toy sailboat they launched off the South Carolina coast in May 2015 has washed ashore in Wales, where officials plan to relaunch it back toward the U.S. What do you think?
Report: Getting Out Of Bed In Morning Sharply Increases Risk Of Things Getting Even Worse #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report published Thursday in the Journal Of Applied Psychology, the act of getting out of bed in the morning dramatically increases the risk of things becoming even worse. “No matter how bad things were upon waking up, the very moment our trial subjects pulled off the covers and stepped out of bed, things spiraled even further downward for them in roughly 92 percent of all cases,” said lead researcher Alison Chaudhary, who added that her research team observed no instances in which rising from one’s bed and beginning to go about one’s day improved things for any of the test participants. “In addition, we discovered that the chances of everything going completely and irreversibly downhill rose even higher should one subsequently get dressed and head toward the front door. After that point, once one has left their home, the likelihood of avoiding being weighed down by steadily mounting misery, pain, and humiliation was quite close to zero.” Chaudhary noted that the only guaranteed way to ensure everything doesn’t fall apart right in front of your eyes is to stay in bed, pull a blanket up over your head, and remain there indefinitely without moving.
Doctors Recount Difficult Procedure To Separate Conjoined Splash Brothers At Birth #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Explaining that the harrowing 27-hour operation only had a 13 percent chance of success, doctors from UCSF Medical Center recalled Thursday the incredibly difficult procedure to separate the conjoined Splash Brothers at birth. “We quickly discovered a bleeding internal vein shared between the two that didn’t appear in our initial 3D imaging, causing us to almost lose Steph right away,” said lead surgeon Robert Pacheco, adding that his 12-doctor team of pediatric surgeons and anesthesiologists worked in shifts to separate the then-newborn Splash Brothers, whose bodies were initially fused from the top of the abdomen to the pelvis. “The most significant complication arose when we realized the two shared a liver and part of the digestive tract, so we had to proceed very cautiously, and fortunately managed to avoid hitting any arteries. Because of the unexpected blood loss early on, we were prepared to lose one or both Splash Brothers, but they fought through the procedure, and thankfully, the two of them made it.” Pacheco added that some kidney damage suffered during the operation caused Steph’s stunted growth, which remains the reason he is still much smaller than Klay.
Tips For Hosting An Oscar Party #~# The 88th Academy Awards air Sunday, Feb. 28. Here are some tips for hosting an unforgettable Oscars watch party:
Most Best Actress Winners Play Wives #~# A report found that the roles for which women win the Best Actress Academy Award most often have the occupation of “wife.” What do you think?
Spooked Rubio Staffers Drive Slowly Past Abandoned Jeb Bush Campaign Headquarters #~# MIAMI―Speaking in hushed tones as they peered out at the derelict structure sitting vacant behind an empty, overgrown parking lot, spooked members of Sen. Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign were seen driving slowly past the abandoned headquarters of former candidate Jeb Bush last night. “Look at the debate prep notes still written on the whiteboards and the polling data piled on the desks―it’s as if people were working here like normal and they just suddenly disappeared,” said one Rubio staffer, who shuddered as he pointed to a half-spilled box of bumper stickers sitting near a dumpster and a limp, faded banner reading “Jeb!” dangling from a back wall. “I heard that sometimes, late at night, if you’re walking by this place, you can still hear the sound of Bush’s chief messaging officer walking him through his talking points. This place gives me the creeps.” After a flash of lightning revealed the ghostly silhouette of a man believed to have been Bush’s senior strategist for South Carolina standing rigidly in a second-floor window, the Rubio campaign workers reportedly let out loud screams and sped away into the night.
Caffeine Bracelet Acts As Coffee Substitute #~# A silicone bracelet is currently in the works with replaceable patches that release caffeine through the wrist and into the bloodstream. What do you think?
Peyton Manning Tirelessly Studying Footage Of Athletes Denying Allegations #~# DENVER—Praising the 39-year-old’s exhaustive preparations amid accusations involving performance-enhancing drug use and sexual assault, sources close to Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed Wednesday that he has been tirelessly studying video footage of other athletes denying allegations. “He’ll sit in his film room 10, sometimes 12 hours a day just studying various defenses, and he’s been absolutely meticulous about writing down exactly how many seconds someone pauses before becoming teary-eyed and saying how hard the whole process has been on them and their family,” said Manning’s personal assistant, Ryan Robinson, noting that the quarterback had been thoroughly studying the likes of Kobe Bryant, Barry Bonds, Ben Roethlisberger, and Lance Armstrong, often rewatching their interviews multiple times until he has memorized the techniques they used to profess their innocence. “You can ask him where Roger Clemens’ eyes were each time he says ‘It never happened’ on the 60 Minutes interview about the Mitchell Report, and Peyton can tell you. I swear, he’s got an encyclopedic knowledge of this stuff going back to the 1985 MLB cocaine trials. He’s just so focused and determined to beat the case.” Robinson added that Manning has also been meeting three hours a day with a public-speaking coach to work on the fundamentals of nonverbally conveying disbelief.
Report: Mom Going To Need You To Pitch In Around House After Her Procedure #~# IRVINE, CA—According to a report issued to you and your siblings Wednesday, Mom will need you to pitch in around the house next week after she goes in for her procedure. “She’ll have the air cast on for seven to 10 days, so you should help take care of the dishes, put away your laundry, and keep the plants on the porch watered, okay?” the report stated in part, noting that it would likewise be nice if you offered to grab something from the kitchen for her if she needs anything. “It would also be a big help if you could pick up after yourself in the living room without her having to ask, because she’ll be pretty tired at first and won’t be able to walk around much. She would certainly appreciate it.” The report went on to state that you know how much Mom would do for you if you were in her position.
Depraved Candidate Struggling To Support $100,000-A-Day Advertising Habit #~# RICHMOND, VA—Having already blown through the previous night’s fundraising contributions on a couple quick radio ads criticizing Ted Cruz’s voting record, depraved presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly hit up numerous donors Wednesday in a desperate attempt to support his $100,000-a-day advertising habit. “I gotta get my message out to the people—I really need this. If you could give whatever you can, even just 20 bucks, it would really, really help me out,” said the debased Florida senator, shamelessly begging potential contributors at a private fundraising dinner to hook him up with enough cash “just to get [him] through the next couple days.” “I’d love a big primetime TV slot, but I’d be fine with a shorter afternoon one—even just 30 seconds, that’s it. Come on. I’ll make it up to you, I swear. I’ll do whatever you want.” At press time, Rubio was feeling a euphoric rush after dropping $85,000 on a single media blitz in the Denver metro area.
Pollution Could Pose Greater Risk For Obesity #~# A Beijing study found that the effects of heavily polluted air on the city’s rat population included greater risk for diabetes and obesity, suggesting humans are similarly affected by pollution. What do you think?
Woman Struggling To Contort Dreams, Ambitions Into Shape Of Dental Technician #~# FITCHBURG, WI—Exerting a considerable amount of mental effort on twisting and reshaping the dreams she’s held since she was a child, local woman Abby Bowers reportedly struggled this week to contort her personal goals and ambitions into the shape of a dental technician. “The hours certainly aren’t bad, and it pays pretty well, plus I like working with people—I could definitely be happy being a dental tech,” said Bowers, straining to apply sufficient pressure to her educational and professional aspirations to forcibly bend them into something resembling a two-year track at a local technical college and a career repairing bridges and crowns. “I’ve always really liked science, and I’d get to take a biology course if I do this. And I wouldn’t have to work holidays, which is nice. It’s actually a really great career.” At press time, Bowers was laboring to mentally pare her lifelong passion for music down to the size of a hobby pursued only in free moments on the weekend.
Judge Rules Against Kesha In Lawsuit #~# A New York judge has ruled that pop star Kesha cannot terminate her six-album contract with producer Dr. Luke, whom Kesha claims abused her sexually, physically and emotionally, with the judge explaining, “My instinct is to do the commercially reasonable thing.” What do you think?
I’m Your Classic Case Of Always The Bridesmaid, Never The Little Ring Bearer Boy #~# It seems like all my friends have been getting engaged recently, and I’m truly happy for them—I really am. But I have to admit, when that call comes and they ask me to be in the wedding party, the joy is a little bittersweet. I hear the excitement in their voices and do my best to share in it and be supportive, but in those moments, I can’t help but think about myself and get sort of heartsick. I guess I’m just your classic case of always the bridesmaid, never the little ring bearer boy.
WhooshSnaps.biz Committed To Protecting Users’ Personal Information #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Saying that ensuring users’ privacy was their highest priority, top executives at website WhooshSnaps.biz publicly affirmed their ongoing commitment to protecting visitors’ personal information Tuesday in a post featured on the site’s homepage. “We here at WhooshSnaps, along with our affiliates YummzoVids, DealSkunk, and Tizzle-Tazzle, want to assure our users that our number one concern is keeping their personal data safe and secure,” said chief executive officer Brian Kleppen, adding that it was standard policy of WhooshSnaps’ parent company, BizCrunk, to refrain from sharing names, email addresses, and additional information with other websites or third-party companies. “We promise that every transaction on WhooshSnaps is properly encrypted and that individuals’ private information is used solely to enhance their WhooshSnaps experience. We value our users’ privacy and would never do anything to jeopardize the trust of the WhooshSnaps community.” Kleppen went on to encourage users to respond with any feedback or concerns regarding WhooshSnaps’ privacy policy by emailing whooshmaster@WhooshSnaps.biz.
Browns Front Office Worried They Completely Botched NFL Combine Interview #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Noticeably cringing as he recalled repeatedly stumbling over his questions, Cleveland Browns chief strategy officer Paul DePodesta expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that the team may have completely blown their NFL combine interview with Cal quarterback Jared Goff. “I can’t believe some of the stupid stuff that came out of my mouth—I just got so nervous that I wound up asking all the wrong things,” said DePodesta, adding that the team’s entire front office was anxiously fidgeting throughout the 15-minute meeting. “At one point, I was rambling about how well I thought he would fit into the Browns offense, and then I lost my train of thought, so I just sort of trailed off. I could tell he wasn’t impressed at all. God, I wish we could just do it over again.” DePodesta added that the team likely came off as “totally fake and insincere” while assuring Goff that they have learned from their past mistakes.
NASA Sees Record Number Of Astronaut Applications #~# NASA has received over 18,000 applications for their astronaut program, three times as many as in the previous hiring round in 2012. What do you think?
Scientists Warn All Plant Life Dying Within 30-Yard Radius Of Ted Cruz Campaign Signs #~# ITHACA, NY—Warning that the flora in the immediate vicinity withers and turns black at an alarming rate, scientists from Cornell University alerted the public Monday that all plant life within a 30-yard radius of each of presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s campaign signs is rapidly dying off. “Within several hours of placing a ‘Cruz 2016’ placard into the ground, it appears that a fast-spreading blight begins to emanate outward in all directions from the sign, desiccating and destroying every blade of grass, flower, and tree in its path,” said researcher Martha Pastuck, adding that tests of the soil beneath the Ted Cruz yard signs revealed it to be highly acidic and often scalding to the touch. “We’ve also recorded several instances of heavily rotted deer carcasses found lying nearby, likely after the animals ate some of the afflicted foliage. We would recommend that all people, especially the elderly, infirm, and pregnant women, maintain a safe distance from all Ted Cruz signage.” Pastuck added that the research team can only comment on the conditions surrounding individual Cruz placards, noting that lawns or highway medians containing multiple signs are undergoing too much seismic activity to safely approach.
‘Jeopardy’ Bans Canadian Contestants #~# TV game show Jeopardy has begun excluding Canadian contestants, citing privacy concerns that remain unclear. What do you think?
The Case For And Against Prayer In Public Schools #~# As it continues to be a hot-button issue for lawmakers, here are the cases for and against allowing prayer in public schools:
Jeb Bush Bungles Several Questions On First Day Back At Home #~# CORAL GABLES, FL—Noting how he repeatedly stumbled over his words and struggled to formulate convincing and consistent responses when asked by his wife about how he slept and what he wanted to have for breakfast, sources confirmed Monday that former presidential candidate Jeb Bush bungled numerous questions on his first day back at home. “You see—the thing is, breakfast—there are a number of options,” said Bush, anxiously reaching for a sip of water after delivering a meandering aside about why pancakes would be a reasonable choice, before awkwardly transitioning to a clumsy, forced anecdote about some bacon he recently had. “It’s an important question—you know what? Eggs. That’ll be—yes. Mmhmm.” Sources further reported Bush appeared helpless and forlorn after his request was drowned out by the louder, more confident answers from his children seated around the dining room table.
Bored God Tries To Fit All Of Jupiter In Mouth #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying He’d had absolutely nothing to do all day, the Lord our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to alleviate His boredom Monday by seeing if He could fit the entire planet Jupiter into His mouth. “I was just sitting around not really doing anything when I looked over at Jupiter and suddenly thought to myself, ‘I bet I can get that whole thing in my mouth,’” said God, noting that He had stuffed 58 moons into His mouth once before but had never tried to put an entire gas giant in there. “It’s a pretty big planet, so I had to open my mouth really wide, and even then I had to shove it fairly hard with the palm of my hand. I got it in pretty far, but then I nearly choked, and I chickened out. Almost had it.” God added that He spent the rest of the afternoon seeing how close He could get His hand to the sun before it started to really hurt.
Rick Pitino Reminds Players Door To Sex Dungeon Always Open #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Stressing the importance of improving communication between players and the coaching staff, University of Louisville basketball head coach Rick Pitino reminded his players Monday that the door to his sex dungeon is always open. “I just want you guys to know that I’m here to discuss any issues you might be having, so always feel free to come in, take a seat in one of the leather fuck swings, and tell me what’s on your mind,” said Pitino, adding that players can simply pop into his dark, candlelit pleasure lair unannounced if something is bothering them. “I’m usually around pretty late having my nipples clamped while my wrists are shackled to a bedpost, and even if it looks like I’m busy getting flogged and about to blow a huge load, don’t be shy about interrupting me. Whether it’s a concern that you have on the court or just something in your personal life that you want to talk about, I’ll always make time to unzip the ear slits of my black leather hood and hear you out.” At press time, sophomore Cardinals guard Quentin Snider was seen hesitating outside Pitino’s door, unsure whether to knock after hearing loud, piercing screams of ecstasy emanating from within.
Male Students Overestimate Male Classmates #~# A study of gender bias in the classroom found that male college students consistently overestimated and gave more credit to male classmates than female ones, even when the latter group earned higher grades. What do you think?
Clinton Credits Nevada Victory To Inescapable, Pitch-Black Tide Of Fate #~# LAS VEGAS—Addressing a crowd of supporters at a victory rally in Nevada Saturday afternoon, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton credited her triumph in the state to the baleful, pitch-black tide of fate from which no man, woman, or child could ever hope to escape. “Our victory today is proof that the floodgates of history have opened, and the dire, unremitting current of inevitability has been loosed on the helpless masses,” said Clinton, bidding voters to surrender themselves to the advancing and all-consuming veil of destiny before its icy, ink-dark gloom laid waste to all who dared resist. “Do not attempt to flee or hide, for the stygian waters I have unleashed upon this earth will sweep along all in their path. Those who stand with me shall ride the crest of this woeful tidal bore all the way through Super Tuesday and unto the very steps of the White House itself. And let any who would try to stem this mighty surge be borne under the dark-winged waters, where their pleas for mercy will go unheard by the world, stifled and subdued forevermore.” At press time, Clinton was reminding supporters there was still plenty of work ahead to secure a win in South Carolina next week.
Married Couples Have Similar Immune Systems #~# A new study found married couples have immune systems 50 percent more similar to one another than to other people, likely because their antibodies adjust to a shared lifestyle. What do you think?
Jaguars, Raiders Hold Postseason Exhibition Game In London #~# LONDON—In the latest effort by the NFL to expand the sport of football internationally, the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Oakland Raiders held a postseason exhibition game Friday at London’s Wembley Stadium. “Today was a fantastic opportunity for the fans in England to see the Jaguars and Raiders play a full game as both teams prepare to head into the offseason,” league commissioner Roger Goodell said of the postseason exhibition, which Jacksonville won 24-21 in overtime in front of a sold-out crowd of 90,000 spectators. “It was a great turnout, and as always, it provided a chance for the teams to evaluate their strengths and weaknesses coming out of the regular season.” Goodell added that, based on the overwhelming success of the overseas matchup, the league is planning to add three more London exhibition games to the postseason schedule.
Census Study Finds Thousands Of Undocumented Immigrants Living Inside U.S. Border Wall #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study released Friday by the U.S. Census Bureau, more than 12,000 undocumented immigrants currently reside within sections of the border wall that separates the United States and Mexico. “Over the past decade, thousands of individuals from Mexico and Central America have flocked to our nation’s southern border, breached the tall steel barriers, and started building lives for themselves inside the wall,” said the bureau’s associate director for research, Clara Smythe, who added that once immigrants find a space for themselves between the wall’s thick metal plates, they typically bring their extended families to live with them, further exacerbating the problem. “And reversing the flow isn’t as simple as sending people back to their home countries. Our study found that six months after deportation, many of these migrants end up right back inside the wall, often crouching behind the very same fence panels.” Census officials went on to state that individuals with refugee status may be eligible to apply for asylum and permanent residence within the wall.
Takeout Burrito Shielded From Cold As Though It Were Week-Old Newborn #~# NEW YORK—Clutching the tinfoil-wrapped bundle tightly to her chest as she emerged from a local taqueria, area woman Caroline Parrish tenderly shielded her takeout burrito from the cold as though it were a week-old newborn, sources confirmed Friday. “I’ll get you home soon, my love—just a few more minutes,” whispered Parrish, nestling the rolled mass of spicy steak and beans within the folds of her jacket to ensure it could not be chilled by the wind as she carefully sidestepped patches of ice and affectionately cradled her cherished lunch item to ensure its fragile form was fully supported. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” At press time, Parrish was terrified to realize her burrito had been switched with someone else’s.
‘I Can’t Do This Again,’ Shaking, Sweating Donald Trump Says After Nervously Vomiting Before Rally #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Doubled over a garbage can backstage at a local auditorium, a trembling, heavily perspiring Donald Trump reportedly shook his head back and forth and muttered in between bouts of nervous vomiting Friday that there was no way he could go out on stage for a campaign rally. “Don’t make me go up there and talk in front of all those people, please—I can’t do it, I just can’t,” said the Republican presidential frontrunner, beads of cold sweat matting his hair to his wan brow, and loudly dry heaving as aides handed him a glass of water and attempted to calm his nerves by pointing out that he had done this plenty of times before and assuring him that people really enjoyed his speeches. “I can’t handle it—not again. There’s too many people, and they’re all looking at me. It’s too much pressure. What if I mess up? Oh, God, I can hear them chanting now. No, no, no.” At press time, aides had grabbed Trump by the shirtsleeves and were dragging the struggling, whimpering candidate toward the stage as “We’re Not Gonna Take It” played over the loudspeakers.
Family At Restaurant Reminds Grandma What Food She Likes #~# SPLENDORA, TX—As they carefully guided her through the menu at local eatery Republic Bistro Friday, the family of grandmother Barbara LeBlanc, 81, reportedly made a point of reminding her what foods she likes. “Oh, look, a Mediterranean chicken panini! You could have that. It’s basically just a chicken sandwich, and you like chicken,” said LeBlanc’s daughter Rachel Hallowell, explaining how the melted cheese and tomato slices made the sandwich similar to others she has liked in the past. “Or how about the Greek salad? You had one of those when we went out to dinner for Timmy’s graduation, and you said it was very good.” After LeBlanc reportedly pointed to the penne all’arrabbiata and suggested she might enjoy that, her relatives were quick to remind her that she hates spicy peppers.
Grated Cheese Found To Contain Wood Pulp #~# An investigation of several top-selling brands of grated parmesan cheese found that most brands contained double the acceptable amount of wood pulp, or nearly 10 percent of the product’s volume. What do you think?
Millennials Consume The Most Wine #~# U.S. millennials aged 21 to 38 consumed 159.6 million cases of wine in 2015, or an average of two cases per person, more than any other generation. What do you think?
Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development #~# VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.
Mitch McConnell Has Hands, Vocal Cords Removed To Prevent Self From Holding Hearing On Scalia Replacement #~# WASHINGTON—In a move aimed at blocking any attempt by President Obama to appoint a new Supreme Court justice before he leaves the White House next January, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell reportedly had his hands and vocal cords surgically removed Thursday to prevent himself from holding a hearing to replace the late Justice Antonin Scalia. “Senator McConnell feels very strongly that the next president should decide this issue, and has elected to undergo surgical procedures to amputate both hands and sever his vocal cords to ensure that anyone nominated by President Obama for the vacant Supreme Court seat will receive neither a Senate hearing nor a confirmation vote,” said McConnell’s press secretary, Robert Steurer, adding that the top-ranking Republican would remain steadfast in his opposition to any liberal-leaning appointee by completely eliminating his ability to write, speak, or strike a gavel to open a legislative session. “Senator McConnell is extremely committed to upholding his party’s ideals. Though there will be intense pressure to give in, the Senate majority leader is no longer physically capable of wavering on this issue.” At press time, sources confirmed McConnell was gouging his eyes out to avoid even being able to read the name of Obama’s forthcoming nominee.
Man Who Downloaded $2.99 Meditation App Prepares To Enter Lotus Plane Of Eternal Serenity #~# SEATTLE—After downloading a $2.99 meditation app onto his Samsung Galaxy phone Thursday, local man Eric Reeves prepared himself to leave the earthly world behind and enter a lotus plane of pure, eternal serenity, sources reported. The 31-year-old, who is said to have scanned through several meditation and mindfulness apps in the Google Play store before deciding on one from the company SnorgleWorks, then reportedly clicked the Install button on his screen, leaving him just moments away from being carried like a cherry blossom on a soft breeze into a placid realm of unending tranquility. Having readied himself to expand his awareness to the bounds of infinity, Reeves is said to have then tapped the app’s icon, located between his apps for Lyft and the game Gummy Drop!, propelling his inner being into an enlightened, all-knowing state of profound oneness with all things. At press time, the veritable Bodhisattva, having ascended to the highest rungs of bliss unencumbered by human cares or wants, reportedly paused his meditation session to respond to a prompt asking him to allow push notifications.
Tips For Getting Out Of Debt #~# Here are The Onion’s tips for getting out of debt quickly and painlessly:
Powerless Buster Olney Knows Every MLB Team’s Biggest Needs But Can Do Nothing To Address Them #~# NEW YORK—Lamenting that he is simply one man among a league of 30 rosters, ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney expressed frustration Thursday over knowing every MLB team’s biggest offseason needs, yet being utterly powerless to address them. “Tell me: What good is it knowing every team’s biggest hot-stove free-agent targets if I can do nothing to help acquire them?” said Olney, adding that while he can so clearly see which clubs need power hitting, a better starting rotation, or more outfield depth, he is but a helpless bystander, unable to actually deliver real changes to any starting lineup. “Only the Padres can improve their power hitting, and only the Astros can bolster their bullpen. As much as I may want to, I cannot do it for them. Still, though, when I know that without a major upgrade at center field by signing the likes of Denard Span, the Brewers are doomed to finish no higher than fourth place in the NL Central, I feel so utterly helpless. This foresight is no gift—it’s a curse.” Olney went on to say that, despite the urge to step in, he must only watch general managers across the league and simply hope they can do what is necessary to put their teams in playoff contention.
Sighing A Life-Sustaining Reflex #~# It’s been found that nerve cells within the brain stem regulate our sighing to approximately 12 times per hour, a process that regulates oxygen flow when tiny sacs within the lungs sporadically collapse. What do you think?
Area Dad Concerned He’s Running Out Of Family Photos To Digitize #~# ALAMO, CA—Flipping through the final pages of the last photo album on the living room shelf, local father Adam Forrester appeared distressed Wednesday as he told reporters he was quickly running out of images of his family to digitize. “I finished up all the ones from when the kids were little—including the ones from the old house—and I already made my way through that box Grandma gave us, so pretty soon there won’t be any left to put on the computer,” the visibly anxious 56-year-old said of the imminent culmination of a project that has occupied many of his weeknights and Saturday afternoons since he came across a scanner on sale at a local electronics retailer three months ago. “I suppose I could still go through and take the red-eye out of them. And I should get a hard drive to back them up on, in case something happens to my computer. Maybe I’ll check the attic again to make sure I’m not missing any old school portraits.” At press time, sources confirmed a relieved-looking Forrester had hit upon the idea of going back through the entire collection and adding approximate dates to every photograph.
Cat Obesity On The Rise #~# In response to rising feline obesity, a new study found that a restricted diet led to weight loss in cats and didn’t cause them to display any less affection toward their owners. What do you think?
Obama Tells Nation To Just Chalk Up Today As Loss #~# ‘Everyone Head Home And We’ll Try This Again Tomorrow,’ Says President
Area Man Disappointed In Self For Already Being Full #~# GREEN VALLEY, AZ—Compelled by physical discomfort to set down the remainder of his pulled pork sandwich and discontinue eating the small mound of French fries still sitting on his plate, local man Shane Plimpton was said to be deeply disappointed in himself Wednesday for already being full. “Usually, I can handle a basket of mozzarella sticks and then a full entrée and still have room for a second beer, but this…this is just pathetic,” said a visibly downcast Plimpton, eventually turning his gaze away from the unfinished food items in disgust. “It’s hard to accept, but I’m actually stuffed. God, I’m better than this. I can’t be groaning and patting my full stomach when there’s still probably a dozen bites left. Where’s the dignity in that?” An utterly emasculated Plimpton was later seen placing his head in his hands and vowing to never let such a humiliation befall him again after a waitress stopped by to ask him if he needed a box for his leftovers.
Sweetie, As You Get Older, Your Body Becomes More Shameful #~# Sweetie, it’s time you and I had a very important conversation—a conversation every mother has with her daughter when she gets to be around your age. You’re getting to a point now where you’re going to be experiencing a lot of changes, and I want you to fully understand what’s going on. You see, sweetheart, as you get older, your body starts to become more and more shameful.
Meth Found Hidden Inside Bras, Art Supplies #~# Australian authorities have seized over $900 million worth of methamphetamine smuggled inside gel bra inserts and children’s paint-by-number kits. What do you think?
Requirements For Becoming A NASA Astronaut #~# Here are the requirements candidates must meet to qualify for NASA’s astronaut program: 
Top Advantages Of Ditching Cable #~# Escape your contract and get up to 65 channels and over 10,000 hours of video on demand with Sling TV. Learn more at sling.com.
How Supreme Court Justices Are Chosen #~# Here is a step-by-step guide to how U.S. Supreme Court justices are selected:
3D Printer Can Make Human Body Parts #~# Wake Forest University’s 3D “bioprinter” is combining living cells with a gel substance to print out human body parts such as ears, muscles, and jawbones. What do you think?
Female Presidential Candidate Who Was United States Senator, Secretary Of State Told To Be More Inspiring #~# NEW YORK—Citing her lackluster support among young voters, campaign consultants to Hillary Clinton, the Democratic presidential frontrunner who has served as both a U.S. senator and secretary of state, reportedly instructed the candidate this week to be more inspiring. “Right now, voters are looking for a candidate who stands for real societal change, someone who can stir something inside them,” said media advisor Jim Margolis, urging the woman—who overcame entrenched societal biases to build a successful legal career, became the first female senator elected in the state of New York, oversaw the Department of State during a period of widespread international tumult, and, if elected, would be the first female president in American history—to appear more uplifting to voters. “Many young people have completely lost faith in the political process, and they want to believe that true progress is actually possible. They want someone who embodies progressive ideals.” Margolis added that Clinton was too much a part of the establishment she spent decades breaking down barriers to enter.
Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found #~# RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece. “The Doggy is a gripping tale of a playful 3-year-old yellow Labrador retriever in the Yukon and shows London, the master of vivid naturalist prose, at the height of his literary powers,” said Columbia University professor Andrew Spellman of the longhand manuscript that is believed to have been penned in 1908 and chronicles the everyday life of a dog named Cody as he gnaws on fur-lined boots, scampers after tennis balls, and gives big, wet, sloppy kisses. “Indeed, one cannot read The Doggy without feeling the author’s intensity for the subject, from the untamed ferocity of Cody’s howls when he hears the doorbell ring, to the raw yearning seen in the doggy’s eyes when he wants his big old tummy rubbed.” According to Spellman, this is the most significant discovery in American literature since a copy of Robert Frost’s unpublished poem “Brrrrrr, It’s Cold” turned up in 2003.
Detroit Begs Nation To Just Give It Something, Anything, To Manufacture #~# ‘Refrigerators, Towels, Whatever You Want,’ Residents Say
India Reclassifies Peacock As Vermin #~# Because the birds create problems for farmers, the Indian state of Goa has reclassified peacocks as “vermin” in order to make them easier to cull. What do you think?
Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony Gives Man Idea To Be Genius Of Some Sort #~# DOYLESTOWN, PA—Suddenly struck by inspiration as he listened to the legendary German composer’s seminal masterpiece, local man Ben Hastings reported Monday that hearing Ludwig van Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony had given him the idea to become a genius of some sort. “A few minutes into listening to that thing and it just hit me: I should become a peerless virtuoso whose transcendent contributions to my field leave an indelible mark on history,” said the 34-year-old, who after taking in the fourth movement of what is considered by many to be the greatest work in the Western classical music canon reportedly came to the conclusion that he too should make some kind of timeless work of art or scientific breakthrough that will be revered and studied for generations. “Beethoven’s symphony really opened me up to the idea of being a world-renowned genius. I think that creating something so visionary that it becomes an inextricable part of human culture while placing me in the pantheon of cultural luminaries from Leonardo da Vinci to Steve Jobs could definitely be my thing, but pioneering a new, groundbreaking school of thought would be pretty awesome, too. Maybe I could revolutionize sculpture or physics or something.” After learning from his Wikipedia page that Beethoven started losing his hearing at age 28, Hastings reportedly came up with a plan to also overcome something.
Obama Compiles Shortlist Of Gay, Transsexual Abortion Doctors To Replace Scalia #~# WASHINGTON—Moving quickly to begin the process of filling the unexpected vacancy on the Supreme Court bench, President Obama spent much of the weekend compiling a shortlist of gay, transsexual abortion doctors to replace the late Antonin Scalia, White House sources confirmed Monday. “These are all exemplary candidates with strong homosexual values and proven records of performing partial-birth abortions, but am I missing anyone?” Obama reportedly asked himself while reviewing his list of queer, gender-nonconforming, feminist Planned Parenthood employees, all of whom were also said to be black immigrants. “I definitely have enough post-op transsexuals on the list, but it is a little light on pre-op candidates. And I should probably add a cop killer or two on here just to round out my options.” Sources later confirmed that Obama was attempting to rapidly narrow the list down to the single best nominee to submit to the Senate in hopes of wrapping up confirmation hearings before his choice had to leave to attend the Hajj pilgrimage.
Justice Scalia Dies #~# The death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has led to discussion of his potential replacement, whom President Obama intends to nominate this year despite Mitch McConnell’s insistence that they be selected by the next president in 2017. What do you think?
Teachers Misinform Students On Climate Change #~# A recent survey found that many teachers are inadvertently instilling climate change denial in students by suggesting global warming is equally the result of human activities and natural causes. What do you think?
Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage #~# GREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic effects of environmental regulations, Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch reportedly ordered a sniper positioned in the rafters of the Greenville Peace Center to fire a warning shot near Marco Rubio’s podium during Saturday’s Republican debate. “Alpha Unit, get him back on message,” said Koch, speaking through a portable two-way radio transceiver to the black-clad marksman, who fired a single round from his Remington 700 sniper rifle that whizzed past the Florida senator and into the debate stage floor several feet from where he was standing. “He still hasn’t stopped talking about alternative energy sources. Take another shot closer to his podium.” At press time, Rubio was delivering a 30-second rebuttal with a glowing red dot on his forehead.
Moderator Asks Candidates To Be Specific When Describing Hellscape Country Will Become If They Not Elected #~# GREENVILLE, SC—In an effort to help clarify the candidates’ positions for voters watching at home, CBS debate moderator John Dickerson asked the Republican presidential hopefuls Saturday to be specific when describing the hellscape the country would inevitably become if they were not elected. “Candidates, you will each have 60 seconds to describe the veil of nightmarish depravity and cataclysmic destruction that will envelop this nation if you do not become commander-in-chief,” said Dickerson, instructing each candidate to lay out precisely when and how each of the values and principles Americans hold dear will be stamped out of existence by the forces of sin and replaced with chaos, misery, and unspeakable carnage. “Please specify which kinds of barbaric deaths Americans should expect in the bleak future that awaits should they not cast a ballot for you. Also, feel free to expand on the types of grotesque and degenerate acts that, in a world where you do not occupy the Oval Office, will become a normal part of everyday life. Remember, voters are looking for a candidate who can clearly explain whether the smoldering, lifeless expanse we once called America will be covered in dust, ash, or the blood of innocents.” At press time, Ted Cruz was reportedly detailing a horrific, apocalyptic vision of a nation left ravaged by paid family leave, financial reform, and wind power subsidies.
Neanderthal DNA Linked To Modern Disorders #~# A study of the Neanderthal DNA that survives within the human genome found that our ancient ancestors’ genes are responsible for addiction and depression in modern humans. What do you think?
Clinton Aide Told To Leave Behind Weak Volunteer Who Collapsed During March To South Carolina #~# EMPORIA, VA—While attempting to help an exhausted, severely dehydrated canvasser to her feet Friday, a top aide to Hillary Clinton was reportedly instructed by the Democratic presidential candidate to discontinue his efforts and leave behind the enfeebled volunteer who had collapsed during the campaign’s march to South Carolina. “There is nothing else to be done for her—take her placards, buttons, and clipboard, and keep moving,” said Clinton, stating that the volunteer, who succumbed to fatigue after marching for 54 straight hours across the treacherous terrain between New Hampshire and South Carolina, would be replaced by another from the ranks. “This campaign has no room for the weak. Carry on.” At press time, Clinton was heard demanding the company double their pace after catching a volunteer break formation.
Disillusioned Museum Admissions Employee Doesn’t Even Believe Own Annual Membership Pitch Anymore #~# MILWAUKEE—After more than nine months of enumerating for visitors the various member-only benefits and explaining how dues help support the museum’s mission to educate and inspire, disillusioned Milwaukee Art Museum employee Ashley Mizote told reporters Friday she no longer believes her own annual membership pitch. “I used to think that membership was an unbeatable value, but now I can barely get through my opening line about how an annual pass will connect visitors to the vibrant arts community without questioning the truth of it all,” said Mizote, who admitted that her voice often trails off during the part of her pitch about how members automatically receive important updates and offers via the museum’s e-newsletter. “I know the words, but I don’t feel them. Sure, for less than the cost of four regular day passes you can get free entry for the year, previews of select exhibitions, fast-track check-in, and 10 percent off at Café Calatrava, but will each visit truly be a stimulating and enriching cultural experience that you can’t put a price on? Who can honestly say?” At press time, a glassy-eyed Mizote responded to a patron’s question about the relative value of an individual versus a dual membership package by silently standing up from her desk and walking out of the museum.
What Your Cable Bill Pays For #~# Head to sling.com to learn how you can cut the cord, ditch the contract, and watch live TV for a fraction of your cable bill.
Romantic Comedies Normalize Stalker Behavior #~# A new study found that women who watched romantic comedies involving stalker behaviors, such as There’s Something About Mary, were more likely to tolerate such behaviors in their own relationships. What do you think?
PBS Moderators Spend First 10 Minutes Of Debate Asking Candidates For Fundraising Advice #~# MILWAUKEE—After introducing the two candidates onto the stage at the University of Wisconsin–Milwaukee, the moderators of Thursday night’s PBS-hosted Democratic debate reportedly spent the first 10 minutes of the forum asking both Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders for advice on fundraising. “Senator Sanders, you raised $6.5 million in the 24 hours after winning the New Hampshire primary this week, while Secretary Clinton, you have amassed over $150 million in donations to date; my first question to both of you is: How did you do that?” said PBS NewsHour anchor Gwen Ifill, before following up with a more pointed series of questions about how often each campaign cold-called prospective donors and what specific donation pitches were used in each candidate’s most successful fundraising emails. “We ask that you clearly articulate what kind of merchandising you do. Do you make a lot selling shirts and bumper stickers, or is it mostly just straight donations? And what about membership levels?” At press time, Ifill was asking each candidate to turn directly toward the camera and clearly say the phrase “Your generous contribution will ensure PBS continues to educate, inform, and inspire” into their lectern’s microphone.
Labor Secretary Letting 8 Million Unemployed Americans Crash At His Place Until They Get Back On Their Feet #~# WASHINGTON—Assuring them it isn’t much trouble at all, U.S. Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez is reportedly allowing all 7.8 million unemployed Americans to crash at his place until they are able to get back on their feet, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s really nice of Tom to let us stay here while we look for a job—he’s been pretty cool with us sleeping in the living room and said we could have whatever’s left in the fridge,” said Topeka, KS resident Christina Lowe, adding that Perez had provided her and the millions of other out-of-work citizens residing with him a couple towels, extra blankets from the hallway closet, and a Post-it note with the Wi-Fi password. “He’s been really great about letting us use his computer to submit job applications and print off résumés, and he even made an extra million sets of keys so we can head out for interviews whenever we need to. We’ve been trying to pitch in by doing our dishes and folding all the blankets in the morning so that he hardly even notices we’re here.” Lowe admitted to reporters that the only downside to Perez’s generous accommodations was the long wait each morning for the shower, which usually ran out of hot water after the first couple thousand people had used it.
Twitter Launches Anti-Troll Initiative #~# Twitter has announced the launch of an anti-trolling cybersafety committee to stem online abuse. What do you think?
Jeb Bush Assures Pipe-Wielding Thugs He’ll Have The Delegates He Promised Them By Next Week #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Pleading for more time as the group of men advanced on him in a Charleston alleyway, GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush assured a gang of pipe-wielding thugs Thursday that he would have the delegates he had promised them by next week, sources reported. “Whoa, whoa, easy, fellas. I know I’m late on this, but I’ll have everything you need after next weekend, I swear,” said the former Florida governor, begging the dark-clad men not to break his kneecaps for failing to place in the top five in a recent Rasmussen Reports nationwide poll of Republican voters. “I’ve only got the three delegates right now, but you know I’m good for the rest of it. My luck’s starting to turn around, I can feel it. I came real close to third place in New Hampshire, so things are starting to break my way. Please, just give me until the 20th and I swear I’ll make this right.” At press time, Bush was reportedly trying to conceal his freshly bandaged thumbs while greeting supporters at a rally in Columbia.
Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man #~# EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing. “Seriously, someone better take these things from Ashcraft—he just can’t help himself,” read the report in part, which went on to describe the man, who spent much of the evening standing beside the snack table, as “bad” and “so bad” for continuing to consume the snack after repeatedly stating he should stop. “These things are going to be all gone if somebody doesn’t grab the bowl out of his hand right now. For real, don’t leave them near him, or he might just eat every one of them himself, that’s how good they are. Okay, last one!” The report went on to speculate that the chips and dip must contain crack cocaine.
How To Talk To Your Child About Divorce #~# Here are The Onion’s tips for discussing the often difficult topic of divorce with your child.
Light Exposure Could Help With Jet Lag #~# Scientists have found that exposing a sleeping person to bursts of flashing light can trick their brain into adjusting its circadian rhythm, a potential breakthrough in combatting jet lag. What do you think?
Olay Introduces New Line Of Pre-Moisturized Skin #~# CINCINNATI―Calling it a quick and simple way to achieve a “radiant, youthful glow,” health and beauty giant Olay announced the launch of its new line of pre-moisturized skin Wednesday. “Olay Hydrating Effects Epidermal Layer Plus is guaranteed to give women the luscious, dazzling skin they’ve always wanted,” Olay marketing director Devin Salazar said in a press release, adding that consumers who purchase the 6-ounce jar of human skin can use it to touch up “trouble areas,” immediately reversing the effects of drying, aging, or discoloration. “Just tear off as much or as little skin as you need, apply it where desired, and enjoy the confidence that comes from knowing you can have a fresh, young face at any age.” Salazar went on to state that the new product contains no additives or synthetic chemicals, as it is procured entirely from all-natural sources.
2015 Shark Attacks Set New Record #~# Sharks attacked 98 people worldwide in 2015, outstripping the previous record of 88 attacks in the year 2000. What do you think?
Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle #~# ‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President
High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness #~# FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble. “I’ve been at this for a while now, so when a freshman or sophomore walks in during first period with that look on her face, I have a pretty good idea what’s going on,” said Bromti, noting that most of the time, she’s already pulled a teen pregnancy pamphlet out of her desk drawer before the student has even started listing her symptoms. “You see enough queasy ones and eventually you can just pick out which aren’t the flu or food poisoning. If a girl comes in here a month or two after the annual ski trip, that’s what it is nine times out of 10.” At press time, Bromti had cut her time with reporters short because a pale-looking 15-year-old cheerleader was approaching her desk.
Tips For Studying Abroad #~# Here are The Onion’s tips for how to make the most of your college semester abroad:
New French Law Curbs Food Waste #~# The French government has made it illegal for stores to throw out unsold food before its expiration date, requiring them to donate to food banks and shelters instead. What do you think?
Broncos Follow Super Bowl Parade Route Through Treacherous Rocky Mountain Pass #~# ESTES PARK, CO—Following their 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, the Denver Broncos held a championship parade Tuesday through an icy and treacherous stretch of the Rocky Mountains.
Orangutans Might Play Games With Zoo Guests #~# The University of Melbourne is developing new electronic games to mentally stimulate orangutans, with the hope that zoo patrons will soon be able to play games with the apes too. What do you think?
Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around #~# CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around. “He just started jogging, like, a block or two back, but he already looks really winded—this guy obviously just decided to get his life back on track within the past couple days,” said onlooker Paul Gerstein, surmising that the man had likely been inspired to choose a running distance far beyond his capabilities after recently taking stock of his limited career and relationship prospects, looking at himself in the mirror in disappointment, or watching a TED talk on how to become one’s best self. “Just look at how slow he’s going. This is almost certainly just a part of a whole self-improvement routine he’s putting together with push-ups and sit-ups and maybe some little dumbbell exercises, too.” Witnesses reported seeing a red-faced Andreychuk gasping for air with his hands on his knees several minutes later, clearly entertaining the very first doubts about his resolve that will soon derail his grand plan to remake himself.
What’s At Stake In New Hampshire #~# With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates: 
FDA Recommends Adding Little Tabasco To That Bad Boy #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure all Americans receive a zesty kick, the Food and Drug Administration officially recommended Tuesday adding a little Tabasco to that bad boy. “Based on years of research and dozens of clinical trials, our agency strongly advocates that citizens put a splash of Tabasco right on that sucker,” said FDA acting commissioner Stephen Ostroff at an afternoon press conference, stressing that both adults and children sprinkle several hot and peppery drops right on that thing for some real serious zip. “It’s important that Americans closely follow these guidelines because this baby is practically begging for some heat. Our findings clearly indicate that it just needs a little something extra, and just a touch of that fiery Tabasco tang will take it to another level in the flavor department.” Ostroff repeatedly emphasized that Americans need not worry about how much Tabasco they put on that mother, adding that a bold, spicy zing was just what the doctor ordered.
Demoralized Jeb Bush Succumbs To New Hampshire Heroin Epidemic #~# MANCHESTER, NH—Plunging into a downward spiral of despair and self-doubt after a poor showing in the Iowa caucuses, a demoralized Jeb Bush reportedly succumbed this week to New Hampshire’s ongoing heroin epidemic. “Unfortunately, Jeb has suffered a number of significant career setbacks and personal humiliations recently, which left him depressed and highly susceptible to the allure of the cheap and widely available heroin in the rural Northeast,” said political analyst James Peek, adding that the former Florida governor began experimenting with the Schedule I narcotic after a string of weak debate performances and a steady decline in his nationwide poll numbers, and had last been seen injecting 200 mg of black pearl while squatting in a condemned Manchester tenement. “Stress, low self-esteem, and hopelessness are serious risk factors for substance abuse, and like many other people in New Hampshire right now, Jeb’s recent struggles have left him feeling that drugs are his only chance of relief. Hopefully, his campaign can find a way to get him into rehab and back on his feet before Super Tuesday.” At press time, a senior Bush advisor confirmed that the candidate had climbed in the New Hampshire polls after generously sharing a needle with several fellow addicts.
BMI Not An Accurate Measure Of Health #~# A study analyzing factors such as blood pressure and cholesterol found that people with a BMI in the “overweight’ range are often otherwise medically healthy, calling BMI into question as an accurate metric for health. What do you think?
New Hampshire Covered In Shadow As Floating Clinton Campaign Headquarters Takes Up Position Over State #~# JACKSON, NH—Drawing tens of thousands of residents out of their homes and businesses to stare upward into the sky, Hillary Clinton’s colossal, floating campaign headquarters reportedly moved into position over New Hampshire this morning, casting the entire state into darkness. “I was just driving down Route 302 when I heard this deep, pulsing drone and saw a dark line of shadow moving down the mountainside toward me—I nearly drove off the road,” said local resident Patrick Schoenberg, who, like hundreds of other motorists, pulled off to the side of the highway and looked up at the 9,500-square-mile Hillary for America campaign vessel as it slowly crawled across the horizon and blotted out all daylight. “It finally came to a stop an hour or so ago. But its engines just keep whirring constantly, rattling the house. My kids won’t stop crying.” At press time, the state’s 1.3 million residents were reportedly cowering in their basements after the gigantic red H on the vessel’s underside lit up and 300 enormous mechanical arms began slowly descending into each of the state’s voting precincts.
New York To ‘Shut Off’ Niagara Falls #~# In order to remove old, defunct bridges from the site and lay foundation for new ones, the state of New York will use a process called dewatering to briefly halt the flow of Niagara Falls, a relatively simple procedure that is projected to cost $3 million. What do you think?
Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process #~# RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty. “We can’t allow our courts to be bogged down by these frivolous challenges, which are a drain on resources and can delay justice for much of the afternoon,” said prosecutor Ayman al-Kazaz, who added that paying to feed and house capital offenders for up to 180 minutes was “unconscionable.” “What should be a fairly straightforward process is often needlessly put on hold or pushed back until a later part of the day, and these guys waiting for their appeals to be heard are allowed to spend the intervening hour or two just kicking back in a jail cell. It’s ridiculous.” Al-Kazaz later admitted he was optimistic the government would eventually streamline the process by limiting death-row inmates to a single verbal appeal made while the executioner raises his sword.
Grandma Happy To Babysit While Couple Desperately Attempts To Rekindle Relationship #~# WILBRAHAM, MA—Saying she would be thrilled to babysit for a couple days, area grandmother Margie Callahan has offered to watch her two grandchildren while their parents spend a weekend desperately trying to revive their marriage, sources reported Monday. “It’ll be great to have little Ethan and Emma come stay over with Pop-Pop and I,” said Callahan, who explained that she could bake cookies with the children, take them to the zoo, and watch Bob The Builder with them during the 48-hour window in which her daughter and son-in-law will visit a nearby resort and spa in an attempt to salvage any romantic feelings that may still exist between them. “We’ll find lots of fun things to do. You two just go enjoy yourselves and don’t worry about us.” Callahan’s daughter then reportedly thanked her, adding that if something came up with the kids while she and her husband were away frantically searching for what, if anything, they still find attractive and worthwhile about each other, they would be just a phone call away.
Oxford Apologizes For Sexist Definition #~# Oxford Dictionaries has responded to anthropologist Michael Oman-Reagan after the latter argued their definition of “rabid” was sexist due to its use of the example phrase “rabid feminist,” a term that Oxford has promised to revisit and potentially revise in their collection going forward. What do you think?
Peyton Manning Declares He Has At Least One More Surgery In Him #~# SANTA CLARA, CA—Following his team’s 24-10 win in Super Bowl 50, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning ended weeks of speculation surrounding his future by announcing Sunday that he has at least one more surgery in him. “I’ve had a long run and been a part of a lot of pretty big surgeries, but I still think I’ve got one more major operation left in the tank,” said Manning, adding that he had deliberated for the past six months with friends, family, and medical specialists before deciding that he wasn’t ready to hang up his hospital gown for good. “Ultimately, I have to listen to my body, but I’ll keep going as long as I can still handle the anesthesia. I just can’t imagine myself never being under those bright lights in the operating room again. I’ll get on the gurney one more time and then ride off into the sunset.” Manning refused to comment, however, when asked whether he would undergo his next surgery in Denver or potentially at a medical center in Los Angeles.
Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win #~# ‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor
Area Dad Spends Super Bowl Looking Regretfully At Son Who Wasn’t Allowed To Play Football #~# WESTERVILLE, OH—Repeatedly glancing away from the television while the rest of his family excitedly watched the game, local father Doug Bryant reportedly spent most of the Super Bowl 50 broadcast Sunday looking regretfully at his 17-year-old son, Alex, who was never allowed to play football. “Some game so far, huh?” said Bryant, clapping his son on the shoulder as they watched the game together, all the while ruefully recalling how he and his wife had refused his son’s requests to play Pop Warner football over the years, thus preventing him from ever discovering a talent for the sport, competing at a high level, and perhaps someday even making it all the way to the Super Bowl himself as a star NFL player. “That was a heck of a play right there. Great catch, and what a throw, too. Just awesome.” Sources also confirmed that at one point during the game, Alex looked over at his father and sadly remembered that the long-term hip and back problems the elder Bryant sustained from playing high school football often made it difficult to play outside while his son was growing up.
Super Bowl Halftime Show Marred By Functioning Sound System #~# SANTA CLARA, CA—Disappointing the thousands of fans in attendance as well as an estimated 100 million viewers watching at home, the Super Bowl 50 halftime show was marred Sunday by the stadium’s functioning sound system, sources confirmed. “Right from the beginning, the sound was working normally, and unfortunately, I could clearly hear the singing,” said 29-year-old spectator Joe Kessler, adding that the show’s audio feed, which was amplified throughout the stadium and transmitted to television broadcasts with no technical issues, made the performances by Beyonce, Coldplay, and Bruno Mars completely unbearable. “There was definitely nothing wrong with the speakers or the microphones. It’s a shame, because the perfect sound quality just ruined the whole thing.” Kessler added that he hopes Super Bowl organizers would learn from the incident and avoid a similar disaster next year.
Surviving Members Of First Championship Team Honored During Puppy Bowl Halftime #~# NEW YORK—Slowly making their way out to midfield with the assistance of their owners, surviving members of the first Puppy Bowl championship team were honored at Animal Planet Stadium during Sunday’s Kitty Half-Time Show. “Tonight, we are proud to recognize the accomplishments of these iconic legends whose exceptional playfulness on the sport’s cutest stage paved the way for future generations of puppy players,” announcer Dan Schachner said before introducing the aging title-winners—several of whom are now blind or whose hind legs are supported by a wheelchair—and giving each dog a commemorative Puppy Bowl I chew toy. “Of course, no one will ever forget ‘The Fetch’—the defining moment of that first Puppy Bowl and arguably the most adorable play in puppy football history—when Cocoa sniffed out an opposing wagging-tailback in the barkfield, retrieved the plush ball, and took it all the way to the dog house. It is one of the greatest-ever touchdown frolics.” The halftime ceremony reportedly concluded with a special segment in memory of Jack Russell terrier Max, Puppy Bowl I’s Most Valuable Puppy, who was sadly put down in 2015 after battling heartworm for several years.
Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket #~# SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed. “I looked downfield for a few seconds, and when I looked back, he was gone—we all just started panicking and trying to figure out what happened,” said Cooper Manning, adding that his brother was soon spotted roaming aimlessly near the sideline. “We always tell him, ‘Peyton, you have to stay inside the pocket so we know you’re safe,’ but sometimes he just forgets where he is. Thank God he’s okay, but my heart was in my mouth for a few minutes there. He has to be more aware of his surroundings, because next time we might not be so lucky.” At press time, an alert had been issued through the stadium PA system after Manning wandered into the stands and vanished in a dense crowd of fans.
Nervous Peyton Manning Feeling Better After Vomiting Blood Before Game #~# SANTA CLARA, CA—Having suffered from intense pregame nerves just 30 minutes before the kickoff of Super Bowl 50, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed Sunday that he felt much better after throwing up blood in the locker room. “I always get major butterflies right before a big game, so it’s nice to just get it out of my system,” Manning said while wiping smeared blood from around his mouth with a paper towel, having spent over 20 minutes vomiting blood into a toilet until he was left dry-heaving. “It’s good to be nervous, though. This has just become part of my routine over the last few years.” Manning added that he also likes to spend a few minutes hitting a punching bag before each game in order to pump himself up and get the feeling in his arms back.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes #~# TOLLAND, CT—Responding with lightning-quick reflexes to her dinner guest’s proposal, area mother Linda McGregor reportedly grabbed a 10-inch chef’s knife Thursday night and held it up to the throat of family friend Diane Wallace following her offer to help with the dishes. “Say one more thing about clearing the table or putting the dishes in the dishwasher, Diane, and I’ll gut you like a fish,” said the 56-year-old, intently staring into Wallace’s eyes as she pressed the blade just firmly enough against the woman’s neck for it to draw a single bead of blood. “Pour yourself another glass of red wine and just forget all about these dirty plates, the used silverware, or any of the pots and pans. Because if you even so much as step foot in the kitchen while I’m cleaning up, the next thing you’ll see—the last thing you’ll see—is me slicing you open from head to toe. Got it?” Sources confirmed McGregor later plunged the knife deep into her husband’s chest when he asked her if she would leave the dishes for later and join the rest of the party for a game of Scattergories.
NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl #~# SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50. “The Super Bowl is the biggest sporting event in the world, and we are working closely with Levi’s Stadium to ensure that the turf’s bottomless pit will not be an issue come game time,” NFL field director Ed Mangan said of the 14-foot-diameter hole situated near the 40-yard line, adding that the risk of a player accidentally slipping and being lost forever in an infinite black void is “something the league takes very seriously.” “We certainly want to avoid another incident like the one earlier this season when [St. Louis Rams safety] T.J. McDonald fell into the abyss and his screams just grew fainter and fainter without anyone ever hearing him hit the ground. The league will do everything in its power to minimize the potential of something like that happening on Sunday.” At press time, the NFL had declared that the field is “ready for the Super Bowl” after Levi’s Stadium grounds crews had covered the pit with a large wooden board.
Tale Of How Woman Started Making Earrings Out Of Scrabble Tiles Even More Spellbinding Than Anticipated #~# SANTA CRUZ, CA—His pulse still racing following the conclusion of the five-minute anecdote, local man Luke Weaver, 30, told reporters Friday that listening to a fellow partygoer’s story about how she started making earrings out of Scrabble tiles was even more intense and spellbinding than he imagined it would be. “When she first mentioned that she likes to make her own jewelry, I knew I was in for one wild ride, but wow, I could have never predicted all the riveting twists and turns it would take,” said Weaver, who recounted a particularly mesmerizing portion of the tale in which the woman initially struggled with, but eventually mastered, punching holes in the tiles. “You wouldn’t believe the things she can do with those tiles: customize the letter combos; apply paint to give them some color. It’s absolutely insane. Beginning to end, she had me on the edge of my seat.” At press time, Weaver had to excuse himself from the conversation as the woman began talking about how she makes bracelets from trinkets she picks up at thrift stores, explaining that his already taxed cardiovascular system wasn’t up to the task of handling another heart-pounding, white-knuckle adventure.
Christie Describes ISIS As Grave, Towering, Meaty Threat To U.S. While Staring At Diner Patron’s Corned Beef Sandwich #~# DURHAM, NH—Delivering an impassioned statement Friday during a campaign stop at Lou’s Diner, Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie reportedly described the jihadist militant group ISIS as a “grave, towering, meaty threat” to the United States while staring intently at a customer’s corned beef sandwich. “They are a violent, hateful, mouthwateringly delicious force that’s stacked high throughout the Middle East,” said Christie, licking his lips and promising the restaurant patron that the savage, savory extremists “wouldn’t last 30 seconds” under his administration. “These salt-cured, thinly sliced, melt-in-your-mouth radicals want nothing more than to force the world to live under strict, melty Swiss cheese. Well, let me tell you: When I’m president, I won’t stop until we get those thick-cut rye bread fundamentalists in our hands, squeeze them down, and finish off every last brutal, succulent morsel of that delectable menace, reducing their terror network to crumbs.” At press time, Christie was explaining that to truly demolish the ruthless, juicy Islamic fundamentalists, he would seek to enlist the help of the Russian dressing.
Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority #~# MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority. “I just can’t stand the obnoxious way he plays and how he showboats after every touchdown, and I’d feel that way regardless of whether he was black, Hispanic, or Middle Eastern,” said Willet, adding that Newton having the skin color of any other minority group wouldn’t lessen his intense dislike for the quarterback’s sideline antics and flashy, arrogant demeanor. “The fact that he’s black has nothing to do with it. If he was a Mexican guy dancing all over the field after first downs and posing for the camera, I’d hate him just as much.” Willet added that he would always root against Newton no matter which white quarterback is on the other team.
What You Need To Know About The Zika Virus #~# Here are answers to common questions about the Zika virus, which the World Health Organization declared an international public health emergency: 
Microsoft Testing Underwater Data Centers #~# Microsoft’s Project Natick will soon begin building massive data centers underwater, which will potentially allow for faster internet across major coastal cities and prevent the systems from overheating. What do you think?
Donald Trump Nominated For Nobel Peace Prize #~# Among those nominated for the 2016 Nobel Peace Prize, Donald Trump has made the list beside Pope Francis, the Afghan women’s cycling team, and others due to a nomination letter written by an unknown supporter who praised Trump’s “vigorous peace through strength ideology.” What do you think?
Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform #~# GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate. “Sanders!” the petroleum tycoon reportedly snarled, throwing his silk top hat to the floor and stomping on it in aggrievement before shaking his ruby-encrusted cane at the television set and growling that he would make the Vermont senator pay. “Impose a carbon tax on me, will you? Well, you’ll see what happens when someone tries to make a fool of F. P. Harriman. Rutherford! Come fetch me my telephone! A meeting of the Industrialist League must be called posthaste.” At press time, Sanders’ mention of raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans had caused Harriman’s eyes to go wide and his monocle to fall directly into his flute of 1907 Diamant Bleu champagne.
CDC: Women Should Only Drink While On Birth Control #~# The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have recommended that all sexually active women, regardless of whether they intend to get pregnant, should be on some form of birth control before consuming any amount of alcohol to prevent a pregnancy with fetal alcohol complications. What do you think?
‘No One Will Push You Into Running For President,’ Jeb Bush Softly Whispers Before Tucking In Sleeping Grandson #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Smiling softly as he closed the picture book he had been reading and looked down at his young grandson sound asleep, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush reportedly whispered into the toddler’s ear while tucking him into bed Wednesday night that no one would ever push him into running for president. “My sweet boy, I swear that nobody will ever pressure you to commission polls to test your national electability or keep trying to put you in touch with family members’ old campaign staffers—not ever,” said Bush in a hushed murmur, his eyes reportedly welling with tears as he pulled the covers up to the boy’s chin and vowed to protect him from those who would repeatedly tell him that a path to the presidency would be easy for an establishment candidate with considerable name recognition. “You can grow up to be anything you want to be—a doctor, a firefighter, you name it—and you’ll never, ever have to set foot in New Hampshire. Or you can just stay in state-level politics, if that’s what you know you want. I promise.” At press time, sources confirmed Bush could be seen looking back at his grandson from the bedroom doorway, a single tear visibly streaking down his cheek before he stepped into the hallway to take a call from a high-level donor.
Wade Phillips Wondering Why Big Egg On Top Of Lombardi Trophy #~# SANTA CLARA, CA—Curiously studying the sterling championship trophy ahead of Super Bowl 50, Denver Broncos defensive coordinator Wade Phillips expressed confusion to reporters Thursday over why the Lombardi Trophy has a big silver egg on top of it. “It’s a nice trophy, but I don’t get why there’s a huge egg on it,” said a visibly perplexed Phillips, furrowing his brow and crossing his arms as he wondered aloud whether large eggs were featured in some way during the first Super Bowl. “I don’t get it. Whose idea was it to put an egg on top? It’s a pretty big egg, too—a lot bigger than other eggs—but eggs don’t have anything to do with the Super Bowl. Did Vince Lombardi like eggs? Is that why?” At press time, Phillips was carefully tapping the trophy against the ground in an attempt to crack the egg open.
Police Training Eagles To Hunt Drones #~# Dutch police are testing whether eagles can be dispatched to “hunt” drones by grabbing them mid-flight, a solution that would curb illegal use of personal drones and minimize the risks involved in disabling a small drone in midair. What do you think?
Middle-Aged Man In Gym Locker Room Puts Shirt On Before Underwear #~# FREDERICKSBURG, VA—Unable to fully avert their gaze as the situation unfolded, sources in the men’s locker room at Capital Fitness confirmed Thursday that a middle-aged gym patron put on his shirt before his underwear. “I swear the guy’s pair of briefs were sitting right there on the bench, but he just ignored them and went straight for his shirt,” said onlooker Mike Housakos, who noted that instead of continuing to dress himself after buttoning his shirt down to his waist, the man then walked all the way to the opposite side of the locker room to deposit his towel in the bin. “And it’s not like he was in any rush to get his underwear on after that. He even picked up his phone and looked at it for a little bit. Jesus.” Sources confirmed that at press time, the half-nude man was putting on his socks.
Parallel World Leaders Meet In Washington For Interdimensional Summit #~# WASHINGTON—Teleporting via wormhole from points across all of space and time, thousands of parallel world leaders have arrived in Washington, D.C. for this year’s interdimensional summit, sources reported Wednesday.
Wealthy Donors Pump Millions Into Sanders’ Campaign In Last-Ditch Effort To Destroy His Credibility #~# NEW YORK—Grasping for any way to halt the Democratic candidate’s momentum, a coalition of wealthy donors reportedly pumped millions of dollars into Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign this week in a last-ditch effort to destroy his credibility. “Unfortunately, our attempts to attack his message and brand him as a radical have had little effect on his poll numbers, so the only option left on the table was a massive, coordinated barrage of maximum-level contributions directly to his campaign,” said hedge fund manager Robert Mercer, who, along with hundreds of other high-net-worth investors and major financial corporations, has funded a new super PAC known as Corporate America For Bernie, which has already debuted a series of laudatory, pro-Sanders television and radio ads aimed at undermining the candidate. “Our strategy is to hit Bernie with a few million in direct support in New Hampshire, and then unleash an all-out flood of money into his pocket in the run-up to Super Tuesday. We have the resources to keep funding him for as long as it takes to get him out of the race. I can assure you that we will not hesitate to give upwards of $5 million or even $10 million apiece to Bernie’s campaign if that’s what it takes to stop Bernie’s campaign.” At press time, the newly cash-flush Sanders campaign was launching a series of attack ads targeting its own excessive wealth and influence.
Lady Gaga To Sing At Super Bowl #~# The NFL has confirmed Lady Gaga will sing the national anthem at the upcoming Super Bowl, just one week before she is scheduled to perform a David Bowie tribute at the Grammy Awards. What do you think?
Aerosol Can Surprisingly Upfront About Giving You Cancer #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Taken aback by the packaging’s unexpected honesty and directness, sources expressed surprise Wednesday upon noticing that a can of brand-name aerosol disinfectant was so forthright about giving you cancer. “Look, it says ‘CONTAINS KNOWN CARCINOGENS’ almost as big as the Lysol logo—damn, they really went for it,” said 29-year-old resident Maureen Benthos as she inspected the can while shopping at a local Target, pointing out that the container had the word ‘carcinogenic’ in three other places, all in bold, red lettering. “They didn’t even try to obscure it with scientific language or fine print. It basically just says ‘cancer’ all over this thing. Wow.” Several consumers expressed frustration at the labeling, however, noting that it was nowhere near as candid about how high it will get you.
Researchers Announce They Don’t Have Heart To Reveal What Will Happen To 1 In 5 Women #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Having difficulty looking gathered members of the press in the eye, researchers from the University of Virginia announced at a news conference Wednesday that they didn’t have the heart to reveal what a recent study determined will happen to one in five women in the U.S. “You really don’t want to know what our findings say 20 percent of all women are likely to experience in their lifetime—you’ve just got to trust us on this,” said lead researcher Simon Hart, taking a deep breath and struggling to keep himself composed, before adding that compiling and analyzing data from a survey of over 1,000 women across the country had left him and his colleagues “a little messed up.” “If I could, I would erase from my mind every one of the results that our research team uncovered. It’s just…I…I just don’t have it in me to say what we concluded. For your sake, I think we’ll keep that to ourselves. Excuse me.” A teary-eyed Hart then reportedly walked off stage, called his wife and daughter, and told them he loved them very, very much.
FBI Counterterrorists Launch Media Campaign Downplaying Symbolic Value Of Golden Gate Bridge #~# WASHINGTON—Describing the structure as purely utilitarian and devoid of any inspirational characteristics, officials from the FBI’s Counterterrorism Division launched an international media campaign Wednesday downplaying the symbolic value of the Golden Gate Bridge. “When Americans look at the Golden Gate Bridge, they see some towers and cables and that’s about it—it’s certainly no more an embodiment of American values than any other piece of public infrastructure,” FBI assistant director of public affairs Michael Kortan told reporters before drawing attention to the agency’s Twitter account, which had released a series of tweets explaining that the bridge was “not even that well-known outside the Bay Area” and “pretty much just postcard fodder.” “From an engineering standpoint, I guess it’s somewhat impressive, but by those criteria, all bridges and overpasses are fairly impressive. It’s no London Tower Bridge, that’s for sure.” Kortan added that, given what an unsightly orange color the bridge is, getting rid of it would actually be warmly welcomed by all Americans.
Zika Virus Joins Lack Of Paid Leave, Unaffordable Child Care As Reasons Woman Afraid Of Getting Pregnant #~# GALVESTON, TX—Amid a spate of public health warnings this week regarding the infectious disease’s devastating effects on fetal development, the Zika virus reportedly joined a lack of paid maternity leave and unaffordable child care as reasons why local woman Shannon Kemp is afraid of becoming pregnant. “I was going to hold off getting pregnant for a few years anyway out of fear that my company might let me go when they find out, but this whole Zika scare certainly doesn’t help things either,” said the 26-year-old, explaining that the threat of giving birth to a child with an underdeveloped brain was just one of a litany of reasons behind her dread of becoming pregnant, including the likelihood of being passed over for promotions, the lower salaries received by mothers, the rising cost of prenatal care, the rising cost of postnatal care, the increased difficulty in being hired should she want or need to switch jobs, and the social stigma associated with breastfeeding in public. “Honestly, this really isn’t even the thing that worries me most about getting pregnant. It’s definitely good to be aware of, but even if they find a cure for Zika tomorrow, it’s not like I can afford to get pregnant under my current insurance plan.” Kemp added that it’s a good thing she still has limited access to expensive contraception.
Gene Editing Experiments To Begin In Britain #~# A controversial form of gene editing has been approved for testing in Britain that involves modifying the DNA of human embryos, an experiment that researchers hope will improve fertility treatments. What do you think?
Advisors Hopeful Jeb Bush Finally Has Momentum To End Campaign #~# HENNIKER, NH—Saying his performance in last night’s Iowa caucuses provided just the push he needed, advisors for Jeb Bush expressed their hope Tuesday that the Republican candidate has finally garnered enough momentum to end his presidential campaign. “If you look back across several weeks of polling data, you can see that Jeb is definitely starting to build a full head of steam and appears to be in an excellent position to exit the presidential race,” said campaign manager Danny Diaz, adding that Bush wasn’t just picking up speed in the early primary states but across the country as a whole, and appeared poised to retake the national spotlight by announcing the suspension of his campaign. “New Hampshire can be a significant turning point for this campaign if Jeb finishes similarly there. It feels like we could certainly keep following this trajectory and make a big move to call it quits. Let me tell you, there’s a certain energy in the Bush camp right now.” At press time, Bush’s campaign office was buzzing with dozens of staffers canceling accommodations and tour stops all across South Carolina and Nevada.
‘I Think We Still Have A Shot,’ Carly Fiorina Assures Closest Inkjet Printer #~# CONCORD, NH—In an effort to regroup after receiving a disappointing 2 percent of votes in the Iowa caucuses, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina reportedly huddled with her closest inkjet printer Tuesday and assured it that the campaign still had a shot of winning the nomination. “Sure, we didn’t get the numbers we wanted in Iowa, but New Hampshire’s a whole new ballgame, and there are still 48 more states up for grabs after that,” said Fiorina, who attempted to comfort the trusted HP Deskjet 1000, which sources confirmed has been at the former Hewlett-Packard CEO’s side since before she announced her candidacy in early 2015. “We’re still polling well with women and moderates, and once the field narrows a little after South Carolina and Nevada, we can really start to get our message out there. I’m just so glad I can always rely on you, Deskjet 1000—I could never do this without you.” At press time, the combination printer-scanner-copier had reportedly faxed a copy of its system specs to the Rubio campaign.
Facebook, Instagram Ban Private Gun Sales #~# Both Facebook and Instagram will now both prohibit the private sale of guns on their websites, citing concerns that such transactions might circumvent background checks and lead to the illegal firearms purchases. What do you think?
Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far #~# The road to the 2016 election has seen its fair share of blunders, miscalculations, and poorly worded statements, all captured by an eager news media that’s always on the lookout for political missteps. Here are some of the biggest campaign gaffes of this election cycle so far:
Financial Advisor Recommends Keeping One Bullet In Chamber Just In Case #~# NEW YORK—Noting the volatility of various retirement products and the long-term uncertainty of global markets, financial advisor Michael Reynolds recommended Tuesday that investors always keep one bullet in the chamber, just in case. “Even if you’re a more conservative investor who keeps most of your savings in bonds and money market accounts, it just makes a lot of sense to have a round locked and loaded at all times in the event of a major financial market disruption,” said Reynolds, who stressed the importance of maxing out yearly IRA contributions and regularly cleaning and oiling the barrel. “It’s probably the furthest thing from your mind right now, but the time will come when you’ll want quick access to it. When the kids are off in college and you’re nearing retirement age, and all of a sudden there’s an emergency, you’re really going to thank yourself for making sure you had that one bullet set aside and ready to go.” Reynolds added that while at the minimum, investors will want to have a single bullet in the chamber for themselves, ideally, individuals should make sure they have enough so the whole family is taken care of.
Teacher Wins ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Lawsuit #~# Texas educator Jennifer Pedroza was awarded $11.5 million in a lawsuit claiming that as an employee of Writer’s Coffee Shop, the original publisher of Fifty Shades Of Grey, Pedroza was defrauded of royalties from the erotic novel’s subsequent success. What do you think?
New Barbie Released In Curvy, Petite Forms #~# With sales on the decline since 2012, Mattel has announced a sweeping redesign of the latest Barbie dolls, which in addition to the classic slender version will now be sold in tall, curvy, and petite sizes for the first time. What do you think?
Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match #~# NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match. “Here,” Sullivan said in a whisper, looking side to side as she slyly reached out her hand and slipped Tucci the neatly folded, concealed bill as though she were a Mafia bagman in a dimly lit dressing room paying off a prizefighter to go down in the fourth round. “Now don’t tell your parents—this is just between you and me. Good boy.” Later that evening, Sullivan reportedly stopped her son-in-law from unloading the dishwasher as if she were an angry pimp chasing some two-bit hustler out of her territory.
God Admits He Was In Pretty Bad Place While Creating Universe #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying He was dealing with a lot of stuff at the time, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Monday that He was in a pretty bad place when He created the universe. “To be honest, it’s kind of hard for me to look at these days—it just brings me back to a real difficult time,” said the Lord, explaining that while He was physically commanding the heavens and the earth to come into being back then, mentally He was “a total wreck.” “Quite often, I’ll come across some aspect of the universe and just think to myself, ‘Wow, I put some pretty dark stuff in there.’ Sure, I like what I did with light and some of the animals, but boy, on the whole, I think I may have been a little too emotional when I made this thing.” God added that He was considering just getting rid of the whole thing to get it off His mind.
How The Iowa Caucuses Work #~# The votes cast in the Iowa caucuses on Monday night mark the official beginning of the 2016 election season, but the specifics of the state’s selection process can be confusing to voters who don’t live there. Here, The Onion answers the most common questions about how the Iowa caucuses work:
Corporation Wants Media Company Making Branded Entertainment To Just Have Fun With It #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying they wanted the editorial staff at online media company Insightable to be creative and really play around with it, representatives from Suncoast Snackfoods reportedly emphasized Monday that, when creating the corporation’s new branded entertainment, the digital publisher should just have fun with the whole thing. “We love your brand and everything that it produces, so we just want you to have a good time with this and come up with something that gets you excited,” said Suncoast advertising manager Steve Reynolds, assuring Insightable staffers that as long as they were happy with the concept they put together for a series of sponsored 90-second videos, his corporation would be happy, too. “Coming up with great, engaging ideas is what you do best, so we are just so thrilled to see what kind of exciting content you can create for our brand. If it’s something that you like and would share with your friends, it’ll be perfect for us.” At press time, Suncoast had rejected all 10 ideas submitted for their approval, returned them with heavy markups, and demanded that the next round of proposals all prominently feature the phrase “Sharp’n’Zesty Nacho Dippers.”
White Actor Cast As Michael Jackson In Upcoming Film #~# Controversy has surrounded the casting of white actor Joseph Fiennes as Michael Jackson in the upcoming comedy Elizabeth, Michael & Marlon, a film based on the allegedly true story of Michael Jackson leaving New York City with Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando after the 9/11 attacks. What do you think?
Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On #~# BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on. “Over our five years of observations, we consistently found that test subjects exhibited low self-esteem, despair, and lost interest in normal activities after being dunked on with a devastating monster jam,” said head researcher Randolph Murray, adding that study participants were at far higher risk of experiencing mood swings, social isolation, and the inability to concentrate on tasks when the dunking party then swung from the rim above them and screamed “This is my house.” “These findings apply to individuals from every demographic group, all of whom displayed behaviors such as angry outbursts and persistent feelings of sadness after getting totally schooled with a windmill, double-pump, reverse, or tomahawk jam. Furthermore, when a participant was dunked on following a half-court alley-oop pass, we observed a sharp increase in the expression of suicidal thoughts.” The study follows similar research published earlier this year by a team from UCLA, which found an increased incidence of depressed mood and self-medication among test subjects who get absolutely lit up by a linebacker.
North Carolina Residents Terrified After Hearing State Passed New Law #~# RALEIGH, NC—Saying they didn’t even want to think about what the legislation might possibly authorize or prohibit, North Carolina residents expressed feelings of deep-seated terror Thursday after hearing their state had passed a new law. “Oh God, this can’t be good,” said Raleigh resident Jennifer Mathis, echoing the sentiment of overwhelming dismay felt by citizens across the state upon learning their legislature had passed a bill and their governor had subsequently signed it into law. “I read the words ‘North Carolina Passes Law’ and my heart just sank. And it looks like they approved it really quickly, too. Christ, this is horrifying.” Several reports indicate that after skimming the first line of an article, the residents of North Carolina had quickly shut down their computers and backed away in fear.
Entire Shopping Mall Quietly Dreading Whatever Empty Stage Set Up For #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Rushing to finish their errands and leave the premises as quickly as possible, every patron at the Eastview Mall reported Thursday that they were quietly dreading whatever has been planned for the empty stage erected near the south entrance of the shopping center. “Oh, Christ, why the hell do they need three microphones?” said shopper Dalia Adams, 38, who nervously added that she had spotted a small child in a sequined top hat lurking near the stage. “I don’t even want to know what they plan to do with that huge PA system. And it looks like there’s a lot of room up there for people—maybe a bunch of people—to dance around. If it’s some kind of swing dancing thing, we gotta get out of here right now.” At press time, nearly 2,000 shoppers simultaneously cursed under their breath and headed for the nearest available exit just as a sound check began.
Posture Could Dictate Success In Online Dating #~# New research in online dating has found that profile pictures in which someone is physically extended, with outstretched limbs and an elongated torso, convey a confidence and dominance that nearly double one’s chances of success. What do you think?
Fracking Causing Earthquakes Across U.S. #~# A new U.S. Geological Survey report condemns the oil industry for fracking practices that vastly increase the frequency of earthquakes in states that usually have none, including Oklahoma, Kansas, Texas, and Colorado. What do you think?
World Wildlife Fund Publishes Photo Of What Species Last Seen In 1987 Might Have Evolved To Look Like #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping the release of the updated image might generate a lead on the whereabouts of the missing animal, officials from the World Wildlife Fund published a photo Wednesday depicting what the dusky seaside sparrow—last seen on June 17, 1987—may have evolved to look like. “If anyone has encountered a non-migratory songbird that matches the one shown in this picture, please contact our organization immediately,” said WWF spokesperson Shannon Hockesley at a morning press event, gesturing to the large overhead screen displaying the last known photo of the bird next to a digitally progressed image showing a slightly larger specimen with faintly lighter plumage in a present-day environment. “However, keep in mind that this is only our best approximation. It’s also possible that after several generations, the species may have evolved to have a marginally narrower beak or a couple more speckles on its breast.” While acknowledging the possibility that the bird is extinct, officials said they still hold out hope that it might have secretly migrated to a biome far away and currently be living under an assumed identity as a black-and-white warbler or pied wagtail.
Report: Most Effective Marketing Technique Still Giving Out Little Versions Of Product #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Calling it far and away the best initiative businesses can undertake to boost sales and brand awareness, a report released this week by Harvard Business School has found the most effective marketing technique remains handing out little versions of products. “Based on our research, there is simply no better way to attract and retain customers than giving away a product that is exactly like the one you’re trying to sell, only littler,” said lead researcher Neil Mukherjee, stressing that the method proved highly effective at promoting future product sales regardless of whether the complimentary items were little dish soaps, little paint swatches, or little chocolates. “People will use up the little version quickly, because it’s so small. Then they’ll want the big version, and they’ll have to buy it, because the big version costs money. It’s pretty simple, really.” The report also cautioned businesses against allowing any one person to take too many of the small versions of their products, as that was essentially the same as just giving away a big one for free.
Obama Announces Plan To Store Nation’s Extra Stuff In Large Plastic Crate #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the container would reduce clutter and help keep the country organized, President Obama announced a plan Tuesday to store the nation’s extra stuff in a large plastic crate. “I urge any American citizen who has too many things lying around their home to just give me the possessions they don’t need right now and I’ll keep them in this big plastic crate,” said Obama, calling on all 320 million Americans to send him any unused desk lamps, old sports equipment, or throw blankets that are taking up too much space or making a mess of their place. “I’ve already written ‘Nation’s Stuff’ on a piece of masking tape on the side of the crate, and I’ll keep it on a shelf in the White House basement, so you’ll know where your things are if you ever need them again. Also, the crate has a secure lid that will keep out moisture and protect your items from any water damage, so no need to worry about that.” Obama concluded his remarks by announcing a related plan to take any items the U.S. populace no longer wanted and put them into a large trash bag that he’ll drop off at Goodwill.
How Virtual Reality Will Change Our Lives #~# Here are some potential ways that Oculus Rift and other virtual reality technologies will affect our lives.
Mom Thinks You’d Enjoy Restaurant She Can’t Remember Name Of Right Now #~# ST. LOUIS—Noting that both she and your father thought everything about the place was just right up your alley, your mother confirmed Wednesday that she believes you’d really enjoy a new restaurant in town whose name she can’t quite remember at the moment. “I can’t for the life of me think of what it’s called, but I’m telling you, you’d love it,” said your mom, adding that the recently opened establishment, which she reported was done really nice inside, was located down over in that area where they built all those new shops. “Everything we got was absolutely delicious. I ordered something that was a lot like that dish I like from the Italian place down the road, and your dad’s food came with this amazing sauce I’d never heard of before—hey, honey? What did they say was in that chicken thing you ordered the other night?” Your mother further suggested taking your friends there sometime and making a whole night out of it, saying the people at the next table were just raving about whatever kind of wine they were drinking.
Secret Service Bans Guns From RNC #~# In advance of the Republican National Convention in Cleveland this July, the Secret Service has announced that only law enforcement personnel will be permitted to bring firearms to the event, overriding Ohio’s open carry laws. What do you think?
Teens Arrested For Threatening Trump #~# In unrelated incidents, two Georgia teenagers have been arrested in the past week for threatening Donald Trump on social media, behavior categorized as “terroristic threats and acts.” What do you think?
Ted Cruz Opens Up To Town Hall Audience About Early Days As Larva Feeding On Porcupine Carcass #~# MILWAUKEE—Attempting to connect with voters in the run-up to Wisconsin’s crucial state primary next week, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly opened up to a town hall crowd Tuesday about his early days as a larva feeding on a rotting porcupine carcass. “Those days spent regurgitating my own bile in order to soften up the animal’s decomposing flesh taught me a lot about life and really shaped who I am today,” said a wistful Cruz, adding that he learned to appreciate hard work and family while burrowing alongside the hundreds of other members of his brood into the most festering part of the carrion. “Those were much simpler times for America, back when every parent could easily provide enough animal remains for their young, and the biggest worry was finding a warm, dry location in which to pupate. Of course, it wasn’t always easy to tunnel through the layers of decayed muscle tissue to reach the sweet, putrefied viscera inside the abdomen, but that struggle prepared me to fight for this country.” According to sources, Cruz concluded the speech by promising voters he would remake America into the kind of place his children would be proud to deposit clutches of eggs into.
New Religious Freedom Bill Gives Small Business Owners Right To Annul Any Gay Marriage #~# JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Saying the legislation would restore and protect religious freedoms that had been endangered in recent years by government action, religious liberty activists celebrated the passage Tuesday of a new Missouri law that grants the state’s small business owners the right to annul any marriage between a same-sex couple. “The religious rights of Missouri’s entrepreneurs have been disregarded for too long, but thanks to the Defense of Religious Freedom Act, now every shopkeeper in the state can legally invalidate any customer’s same-sex marriage if such a union violates the tenets of their faith,” said state legislator Greg Kirk, who explained that the bill allows proprietors to render null and void the marriage certificate of any wedded homosexual patron inside their place of business or within 100 feet of the storefront entrance. “This new legislation has nothing to do with any sort of prejudice against homosexuals; it’s about respecting the constitutional rights of citizens by giving them the choice of whether or not they wish to dissolve all legal ties of marriage between gay and lesbian couples whose unions stand in opposition to their deeply held convictions. It’s about protecting values.” According to sources, several state senators are also drafting a bill that gives Missouri citizens the right to cancel any woman’s birth control prescription if it infringes on their personal beliefs.
How Political Polling Works #~# The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to the U.S. political polling process. 
Secretary Of Treasury Announces Plan To Remove Gross Penny From Circulation #~# WASHINGTON—Saying his department had been considering the measure for several years, U.S. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew announced official plans Tuesday to remove a gross, grime-covered penny from circulation. “The truth is that nobody uses this coin any longer, largely because you can barely even see Abraham Lincoln’s profile beneath some kind of caked-on black gunk,” said Lew, noting that the one-cent piece had fallen out of favor due to the indeterminate sticky film coating its entire surface, which Treasury officials speculated might have come from gum, residue from some type of sugary drink, or something else altogether. “There was a time when this was a valued, usable coin that didn’t have lint adhered to it, but that time has long since passed, and now we believe the moment has come to retire it once and for all. At this point, the penny is more a nasty green color than copper anyway, and frankly, we have no clue why. Seriously, what could that possibly be?” At press time, Treasury officials had delayed withdrawing the penny from circulation until they could pry it off the quarter it was stuck to.
Man Worried Harassing Messages He Sending On Dating App Getting Lost Among Abuse From Other Guys #~# NORRISTOWN, PA—Saying he wasn’t sure whether writing to them was even worth the effort at this point, local man Luke Browning expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that the offensive messages he’s been sending women through OkCupid are getting lost among all the harassment from other male users. “I can only imagine how many obscene comments and explicit threats the average woman must receive from guys on here each day—how can they even begin to tell any of us apart?” said Browning, admitting that his requests for nude photos and the uninvited pictures of his genitals that he sends are likely no different from the dozens of other vulgar sexual solicitations filling female users’ inboxes. “I’m beginning to think that every time I say to a woman ‘What’s your fucking problem?’ or ‘Suit yourself, bitch’ after she doesn’t respond right away, my notes are just blending in with all the messages from other guys telling her she’s a dumb slut and should kill herself. But it seems like there’s only so many different ways you can let a complete stranger know she’s not really that cute and is lucky to even be talking to you.” Browning added that, in an effort to stand out from his peers, he’s considering putting in the extra effort of badgering his matches on Facebook after they’ve blocked him on the app.
Alaska Volcano Erupts #~# Alaska’s Pavlof volcano has erupted for the 40th time in recorded history, spewing ash 20,000 feet in the air, though its location is so remote that the eruption did little to damage any surrounding communities. What do you think?
Tribeca Pulls Anti-Vaccine Film #~# One day after defending the screening of Andrew Wakefield’s controversial anti-vaccination film Vaxxed by saying it would promote conversation, Tribeca Film Festival cofounder Robert De Niro has announced that the film was being pulled from the festival. What do you think?
Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General #~# JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed. “Using derogatory language and treating women as mere objects is fine, just as long as you make sure you’re making a blanket statement about the entire female population and not a specific candidate’s wife, okay?” said Cruz’s senior communications advisor, Jason Miller, repeating nearly verbatim the advice Trump’s aides reportedly gave the GOP frontrunner earlier in the day during a strategy session. “The public’s not as receptive to you attacking Melania directly, so just keep your statements broader when denying women their individual agency and insinuating they have no identity apart from their connection to men and it’ll continue to go over great. Let’s stick with what’s been working.” Advisors from both campaigns assured their candidates they could be as specific as they wanted when making sexist remarks about Hillary Clinton, however.
How To Discuss Politics With Your Loved Ones #~# The Onion provides helpful tips on how to avoid conflict with family and friends when discussing the thorny topic of politics.
Children Trampled At Easter Egg Hunt #~# A Connecticut Easter egg hunt became chaotic after parents rushed the field in advance of the official start time, fighting to gather eggs for their children and hurting other children in the process, a scene that one of the organizers compared to “a swarm of locusts.” What do you think?
Department Of Interior Brings Down Derelict Rainbow With Controlled Demolition #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Saying the once-radiant arc had become little more than an eyesore, officials at the Department of the Interior announced Monday that a demolitions team had successfully brought down a derelict rainbow with a series of controlled dynamite blasts. “It was very old and faded—to be honest, it wasn’t even worth craning your neck upward to look at anymore,” said Interior Secretary Sally Jewell, adding that the detonation of explosive charges along the base of the neglected rainbow had sent the massive curved span cascading down in a shower of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. “We’re still discussing the feasibility of replacing it with a much sleeker and modernized double rainbow, but we may just use the space for more clouds that look like things.” Sources confirmed that a three-mile area surrounding the demolition site had to be cleared of all residents, as the polychromatic dust created by such blasts is highly carcinogenic.
Report: Freezers In Healthy Choice Corporate Offices Probably Stocked With Every Kind Of Healthy Choice You Could Imagine #~# OMAHA, NE—Asserting that the workplace had to have multiple huge freezers, sources across the nation reported this week that the break room at the Healthy Choice corporate offices was probably completely stocked with every kind of Healthy Choice product imaginable. “I bet if you open the freezer at the Healthy Choice offices it’s just full of Country Herb Chicken, Beef & Broccoli, Homestyle Salisbury Steak, you name it—and employees can just grab whichever Healthy Choice they want for lunch,” said Georgia resident Shannon Torrance, echoing the claims of millions of others nationwide who stated that, if you worked for Healthy Choice, you could probably select a different meal every single day for a whole month, including some meals that likely haven’t even come out yet. “I’m sure the people who work there can eat as many as they want. If they want two Healthy Choices for lunch, they can do it. And that place must have someone whose entire job is just to come in at the end of the day and refill all the freezers with more Healthy Choices.” Reports further indicated that it was safe to assume the Healthy Choice break room had, at the very least, 10 or 12 microwaves.
Urban Birds Smarter, Heartier Than Rural Birds #~# McGill University researchers have found that urban bird populations are smarter and have stronger immune systems than birds in the country, scoring higher on cognitive tests and exploiting new resources more than rural birds. What do you think?
Top 5 Signs You Have A Sophisticated Palate #~# Brought to you by Food
Popular Designer Dog Breed Just Twisted Spinal Cord Attached To Collapsed Lung #~# NEW YORK—Growing quickly in popularity following its official recognition by the American Kennel Club last year, the Toy Whiffle—a floppy-eared collapsed lung loosely attached to a severely twisted spinal column—is now one of the most sought-after designer dog breeds in the country, according to an AKC survey published Thursday. “This hot new breed has everything pet lovers are looking for: the adorable teacup size; the cute little labored wheeze; the permanently prolapsed anus. When people see celebrities dragging them around on TV, it’s only natural they’d want one,” said Toy Whiffle Association president Daisy Macnamara, who noted that since the breed neither requires nor has the physical ability to exercise, it makes a great apartment dog. “You will need to take these dogs out at least twice a day for them to void the built-up fluids in their chest cavity. But given their lack of teeth or any musculature whatsoever, they’re extremely docile and great with children—provided, of course, the kids are gentle with the dogs’ super-cute, scrunched-up, and fully exposed intestines.” Macnamara urged prospective owners to be aware that the popular breed suffers from a number of hereditary health issues, including eyeball dysplasia, spontaneous bone liquification, and a shorter-than-average 19-day lifespan.
Bookshop Bans ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Donations #~# A charity bookshop in Wales is imploring patrons not to donate Fifty Shades Of Grey after being inundated with hundreds of copies of the erotic novel, which they will ship to a warehouse to be sold online or recycled. What do you think?
Mattel Releases New Male Barbie To Inspire Girls To Imagine Holding Highest Leadership Positions #~# EL SEGUNDO, CA―In a continued effort to make its iconic line of dolls more representative of today’s culture, Mattel announced the release Friday of its first male Barbie, which it hopes will inspire girls to dream about what it’s like to hold a top-ranking job in the workforce.
Alarming U.N. Report Finds World Lost 40 Million Acres Of Personal Space Last Year #~# NEW YORK—According to an alarming report released Friday by the United Nations, nearly 40 million acres of personal space were lost around the world in 2015, with data showing these vitally important yet extremely vulnerable regions are being wiped out at the fastest rate on record. “During the last calendar year, the steady encroachment of humans led to a reduction in personal space of about eight percent worldwide, which works out to a loss of more than a square foot for every man, woman, and child on earth,” said the report’s lead author, Irene Anderson, who noted that personal space has shrunk by more than half since the mid-1900s. “We must act quickly and decisively to protect our current personal boundaries if there’s any hope of preserving what little personal space we still have left. If we do not drastically change our behavior, it’s very possible that future generations might grow up in a world where a comfortable buffer zone between them and others simply doesn’t exist.” The U.N. report warned that the worldwide loss of personal space was rapidly approaching a critical tipping point, placing the global population at extreme risk of catastrophic crowding and jostling.
Report: Most Parents Willing To Entrust Children To Anyone In Character Costume #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report published this week by sociologists at American University, the vast majority of parents across the country are willing to entrust their children to anyone wearing a plush character costume. “Our data show that roughly 95 percent of all U.S. parents are perfectly fine allowing their young children to approach, hug, and even sit on the lap of literally any individual, provided that person is inside a soft full-body costume depicting some friendly-looking character,” said lead researcher Carol Milano, noting that her team observed hundreds of instances in which adults displayed no nervousness or reluctance whatsoever about their small child being picked up and nuzzled by an unidentified person at a Single-A baseball game, shopping mall, or theme park if that person happened to be wearing a bulky outfit designed to resemble a cartoon elephant, tiger, bear, or duck. “Generally, most parents simply presume that someone in an Easter Bunny costume must have some level of professional training and can be trusted with their child’s safety and well-being. In almost every case, however, this conclusion is arrived at without speaking a single word or getting a look at the stranger staring out through the black mesh mouth of the character’s oversize head.” A related report revealed that 97 percent of children only feel truly safe and happy when an anonymous person in a character costume embraces them.
Scientists Slowly Reintroducing Small Group Of Normal, Well-Adjusted Humans Into Society #~# ITHACA, NY—In an ambitious attempt to revive a population long considered to be on the brink of extinction, scientists announced Friday they have slowly begun to reintroduce normal, well-adjusted human beings back into society.
U.S.S. Conestoga Found 95 Years After Disappearance #~# Having disappeared in 1921 bound for Pearl Harbor, the U.S.S. Conestoga was confirmed this week to have been found off the California coast, identified by the use of underwater robots. What do you think?
Prairie Dogs Found Killing Squirrels #~# In the first recorded instance of one mammalian herbivore killing another, scientists in Colorado have discovered that prairie dogs routinely murder ground squirrels by severing their spinal cord, possibly to compete for limited resources. What do you think?
Decades Of Breathing Really Starting To Catch Up With Chinese Man #~# BEIJING—Noting that he can no longer walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing or suffering a debilitating coughing fit, Beijing resident Wei Feng admitted to reporters Thursday that his decades of regular breathing have really started to catch up with him. “Growing up, nobody thought breathing was that big a deal, but nowadays everyone knows how bad it is for you,” said Feng, adding that his daily habit of respiration over the past 46 years has caused irreparable damage to his airways and lungs. “I’ve tried to cut back a couple of times, but it never lasted too long. At this point, I figure there’s no sense in quitting since the damage is already done, and it hasn’t killed me yet.” Feng expressed optimism that the visible and devastating physical toll that prolonged breathing had inflicted on him would at least deter his children from taking up the unhealthy practice.
Sudafed Introduces New Sinus Drill For Immediate Congestion Relief #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Touting the over-the-counter product’s ability to effectively treat cold symptoms, pharmaceutical manufacturer Johnson & Johnson introduced Friday its new Sudafed 18-volt cordless Sinus Drill capable of providing immediate congestion relief. “The Sinus Drill alleviates pain and discomfort by boring a small hole into the forehead or bridge of one’s nose to release pressure,” said Sudafed product manager Kelly Arrington, adding that the Sinus Drill, which comes with a set of four 1/8-inch to 1/2-inch carbide tip bits to accommodate a variety of bone densities, also clears inflamed nasal passageways by loosening mucus. “For adults, we suggest drilling two holes every four to six hours. For children, just one hole is recommended, although for best results you can try coating the bit in honey to help lubricate its entry into the skull.” For symptoms that continue to persist after one week, Arrington recommended Sudafed’s Extra-Strength Sinus Jackhammer.
Nation Comes To Halt To Watch Crane Move Massive Concrete Tube #~# NEW YORK—Stopping dead in their tracks and pausing to take in the scene unfolding above them, the entire country reportedly came to a halt Thursday morning to watch an industrial crane move a massive concrete tube across a construction site.
‘Batman V. Superman’ Promotion Urges Filmgoers To Just Get This Over With #~# LOS ANGELES—Promising that it would be best to just buy a ticket and take care of the unpleasantness right away, a new Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice promotional campaign launched this week reportedly urged filmgoers to simply get this whole thing over with. “Listen, you all knew this day was coming, so just go sit your ass in the theater, stare up at the IMAX screen for a couple hours, and be done with this shit once and for all,” said Warner Brothers marketing strategist Elizabeth Harris, who encouraged fans to make plans with friends right now so they could all bite the fucking bullet over opening weekend. “You know you can’t put this off forever, so just suck it up and plow through this thing as quickly as possible. Listen, you’re going to have to pay the piper now or at some point down the road on a commercial flight or during a broadcast on TNT, so you might as well just pony up the extra 10 bucks for 3D and never think about it again.” At press time, Warner Brothers had reportedly kicked off a last-minute Batman V. Superman media blitz in major markets advising audiences to just bend over and take it like a champ.
Armani To Stop Using Fur In Their Clothing #~# Fashion designer Giorgio Armani released a statement that his clothing line will no longer use any animal fur in its designs, praising faux fur as a capable substitute. What do you think?
Meditation Effective Treatment For Back Pain #~# The CDC has advised physicians that rather than prescribing opioids for chronic pain, a regimen of meditation and cognitive behavioral therapy could be even more effective. What do you think?
Defensive Clinton Campaign Releases New ‘Who Are You To Judge Me?’ Ad #~# NEW YORK—With the candidate facing a far more formidable challenge than expected in her pursuit of the Democratic nomination, Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign released an exceedingly defensive new commercial Wednesday titled “Who Are You To Judge Me?” “What the hell have you done?” a scowling Clinton asks during the music-free 30-second ad that is running in markets in all 50 states and features the candidate standing by herself in front of a black background, speaking directly to the camera with her arms crossed defiantly. “Have you ever been a senator? Had to consider the interests and needs of millions of constituents? Oh, wait, I know—you must have served in the president’s cabinet and delicately handled international affairs that impacted the entire world. I’m sorry, what’s that? You haven’t? Then maybe you should think for a goddamn minute before you pass judgment on me, you ingrates.” The ad reportedly ends with Clinton pointing menacingly at the viewer for a full 10 seconds before wordlessly walking out of frame.
Video Game Boss Thinking He Should Get Big Glowing Weak Spot On Back Checked Out #~# STAGE 6—Saying the slightly raised, throbbing red patch of skin has been bothering him for quite some time, local video game boss Overlord told reporters Wednesday he was thinking he should get the big glowing weak spot on his back checked out. “I was hoping the spot would eventually just go away, but recently it started flashing white when anything touches it,” said Overlord, adding that whenever the radiant area is aggravated, he becomes paralyzed for several seconds, during which time he cannot retract his segmented limbs or move the projectile-spitting skull-faces at the end of his appendages. “I thought trying to move up and down in a fixed cycle would help, but it turns out that just makes it worse. If it doesn’t go away in a couple days, I’m definitely going to the doctor. I’m getting worried about how often I vomit armor-plated slugs.” Overlord added that his habit of staying inside a dark, musty cave made of bones all day probably wasn’t doing his health any favors, either.
National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’ #~# WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes. “As we work with our European colleagues to investigate these deplorable attacks and take measures to address terrorism concerns both at home and abroad, we strongly urge all citizens to keep in mind that ISIS are a festering shitpile of complete and utter fuckwads,” said National Security Advisor Susan Rice, adding that recent intelligence reports confirmed that members of ISIS are gigantic motherfucking pricks who are driven to commit acts of violence by a fervently held dumb-as-dogshit worldview. “We continue to work with security authorities around the world to prevent these soulless, rat-bastard assfucks from acting like the absolute sacks of shit that they are, and we stand with the international community in delivering a message to ISIS that they can go fuck themselves.” At press time, Rice had submitted a detailed report to the White House recommending a balanced strategy for neutralizing ISIS that consisted of galvanizing the support of regional Sunni tribes and “shoving a fat one so far up ISIS’ ass they choke.”
Primary Voting Sees Near-Record Turnout #~# The 2016 primary elections are seeing their second-highest voter turnout in 35 years, double the turnout of 2012 but still slightly trailing 2008 percentages. What do you think?
Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines #~# BETHESDA, MD—Confirming accounts handed down among townsfolk for generations untold, a report released Wednesday by the National Institutes of Health has revealed the top cause of death in the United States is still venturing beyond the pines.
How To Turn Your Yard Into Your Own Personal Paradise #~# Brought to you by Scotts
Area Man Having One Of His Little Bursts Of Energy Where He Tries To Write A Song #~# ATHENS, GA—Humming along Tuesday as he tried out various chord progressions on his acoustic guitar until he found one he liked, local advertising sales representative Daniel Sorenson is, according to sources, currently in the throes of one of his little bursts of creative energy where he attempts to write a song. “Dan’s just in one of his moods where he gets all excited, takes out his guitar, and spends a couple hours trying to come up with a full song,” said Sorenson’s fiancée, Margaret O’Dell, who later added that if Sorenson is feeling particularly energetic, he’ll usually start his song off with some fingerpicking that transitions into vigorous strumming during a chorus. “This happens every couple months or so. He’ll tire himself out in a few hours, right around the time he finishes writing down the lyrics he came up with in this special little notebook he has, or when he tries to put together a bridge.” Sorenson is reportedly expected to awaken tomorrow with a deep sense of inadequacy and shame, and never again revisit the unfinished song.
Supreme Court Declines To Hear Marijuana Case #~# The Supreme Court refuses to hear a case brought by Nebraska and Oklahoma claiming that Colorado’s marijuana legalization has increased the flow of the drug across those states’ borders. What do you think?
I Was Skeptical At First, But It Turns Out Those 20 Years Of Solitary Confinement Were Exactly What I Needed #~# When I first found out I was being transferred to solitary confinement, I was pretty nervous. I’d heard stories about how hard “the box” is for guys to handle, and I questioned whether being left completely alone in there for an extended period might start to mess with my head and perhaps even prove counterproductive to my rehabilitation. But as it turns out, I had nothing to worry about. The thing is, 20 years in an isolation cell at Pelican Bay State Prison’s Secure Housing Unit wound up being exactly what I needed.
U.S.–Cuba Relations End After Obama Hit By Foul Ball At Exhibition Baseball Game #~# HAVANA—Officially closing the brief period of eased tensions between the two countries, the United States government severed all diplomatic ties to Cuba today after President Obama was reportedly hit in the face by a foul ball while attending an exhibition baseball game between the Cuban national team and the Tampa Bay Rays. “Shortly after being struck just below the left eye by an errant line drive this afternoon, the president determined that the U.S. would terminate all humanitarian aid to Cuba, effective immediately,” said White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough, who stated that Obama was glancing down at his phone in the fifth inning when Cuban slugger Yosvani Alarcon Tardio drove a late-breaking pitch over the third-base dugout and directly into the commander-in-chief’s head, adding that the disoriented president, with blood gushing from his nose and covered in the contents of his bag of popcorn that had been sent flying by the impact, angrily refused the napkins and ice cubes offered to him by panicked Cuban diplomats. “The president decided to leave for the airport just moments after the incident, and while receiving first aid aboard Air Force One, repeatedly mentioned that visiting Cuba had been a mistake and that he will revoke the policy permitting certain forms of American tourism. At present, the president is recovering from his injuries, but he has stressed that the trade embargo will also remain in place indefinitely.” According to numerous political historians, the incident marks the lowest point in U.S.–Cuba relations since Fidel Castro’s 1959 visit to the White House when he was mauled by Vice President Richard Nixon’s dog, Checkers.
Coffee Stain On Shirt Not As Big A Deal This Morning #~# CHICAGO—Calmly brushing off the accident that would have normally left him incensed, local man Alex Perkins, 36, told reporters Tuesday that, all things considered, the fresh coffee stain on his shirt is not as big a deal this morning. “It’s a new shirt, but you know what, I’ll be fine,” said Perkins in an abnormally accepting tone, before adding that, in the grand scheme of things, the sizable brown stain on his dress shirt was just a minor annoyance not worth getting upset over at the moment. “The dry cleaners can probably get it out. If not, who cares.” After gazing quickly down at the latest breaking news alert on his phone, Perkins added that he’s not even angry with the coffee shop worker who failed to put the cup’s lid on all the way.
World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit #~# BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
NFL To Atlanta: No Super Bowl If Anti-Gay Law Passed #~# The NFL has warned they might not allow Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium to host any upcoming Super Bowl games if Georgia passes House Bill 757, a proposal to restrict the civil rights of LGBT citizens. What do you think?
A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations #~# As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.
China Recovering From Deforestation #~# A new report praises China’s efforts to combat deforestation by banning logging in certain areas and cracking down on illegal logging, measures that have led to the regrowth of 61,000 square miles of trees. What do you think?
Tips For Setting Up A Campsite #~# If you like camping and the great outdoors and searching for cell service to find out if that leaf you just wiped with was poisonous, youmightlikeoregon.com.
Mom Sits Down For Dinner 3 Months After Rest Of Family Finishes Meal #~# NOVI, MI—Having insisted that her husband and three kids start without her, local mother Cheryl Lenox sat down for dinner three months after the rest of her family finished their meal, sources confirmed Monday. “Mmm, this smells good,” Lenox reportedly said out loud to an empty kitchen table as she finally sat down with a plate of roast pork and vegetables she had prepared for her family back on December 19 of last year. “Oh, I might need to heat this up for a few minutes.” Sources confirmed that Lenox was able to eat four bites of the meal before she was summoned to get up and pack lunches for her family.
How To Cope With Getting Fired #~# Here are The Onion’s tips for dealing with being let go from a job.
Tips For Setting Up A Campsite #~# Brought to you by Travel Oregon
Nate Silver Defends Torture Methods Used To Make Election Projections #~# NEW YORK—Responding to critics who contend that safer and more humane techniques exist to ascertain voters’ political positions, statistician Nate Silver appeared on several cable news programs Monday to defend the controversial torture methods he uses to project election results. “It’s not easy to accurately forecast how a given state or demographic will vote, and sometimes there is simply no other option than enclosing blindfolded voters in a confinement box and blaring loud, continuous music at them to keep them awake for 100 hours or more,” said Silver, stressing that he had extracted many crucial responses that helped him correctly predict all 50 states’ results during the 2012 general election by shackling registered voters from the ceiling in stress positions until they finally divulged the issues that mattered to them most. “What you have to understand is that we’re working on a highly time-sensitive schedule and need to get these projections right. So, yes, if stripping a second-generation Latino millennial voter naked, forcing him to stand in his own excrement, and then holding back a snarling German shepherd inches from his throat gives us a clearer understanding of where the nation stands on immigration reform, then that’s a choice I would gladly make every time.” Silver added that, with the exception of occasionally using pliers to tear out the fingernails of those he suspected of lying to him about their preferred candidate, none of his methods have ever been proven to cause permanent damage.
Salmon Fillets Contaminated With Cocaine #~# Salmon caught in the Seattle area have been found swimming in waste water containing antidepressants, antibiotics, nicotine, and cocaine, though scientists assert eating the fish won’t cause a noticeable drug reaction in humans. What do you think?
Alabama Textbooks Call Evolution A ‘Controversial Theory’ #~# The Alabama State Board of Education has voted to retain a disclaimer in their biology textbooks warning students that the theory of evolution is “controversial” and “has not been directly observed.” What do you think?
Hillary Clinton Pleasantly Surprised After Finding Old $20,000 Donation Check In Coat Pocket #~# NEW YORK—Smiling at her good fortune following the unexpected discovery, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was reportedly pleasantly surprised Friday upon finding an old $20,000 donation check in her coat pocket. “I was just headed out the door and was digging around for my keys, and I just happened to find a 20-grand check I had completely forgotten about crumpled up in there,” said Clinton, who noted the $20,000 contribution was stuffed way at the bottom of her pocket, and speculated that it had probably been down there for about eight years. “Sometimes, I’ll find a few $1,000 checks in my pants pockets or in the couch cushions, but finding $20,000 is actually a nice little pick-me-up. It’s just a delightful way to start the day.” Clinton added that she would probably use the unexpected find to treat herself to something nice, like a round of harsh anti–Bernie Sanders attack ads in Wisconsin.
Nation’s Workload To Be Completed During Timeouts Today #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new report released by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the overwhelming majority of the nation’s workload will be completed today during timeouts in March Madness games. “Our research indicates that over 90 percent of all work tasks in both the public and private sectors will be carried out in one- to two-minute bursts during TV timeouts,” said agency spokesperson Carrie Everett, adding that the vast majority of the day’s meetings and conference calls will be scheduled to coincide exactly with halftimes. “We also found that worker output will steadily dwindle through each successive timeout during the second half of close games, with employees unlikely to do more than quickly check their email in the final two minutes. In virtually every office around the country, the bulk of what will be finished today is busywork that will be dashed off during garbage time of a blowout.” The report went on to confirm that the entire U.S. labor force will grind to a complete halt in the event of overtime.
Pathetic Excuse For Man Paid Same Wage As Female Counterpart #~# LAFAYETTE, LA—Calling the situation pitiful and completely embarrassing, sources confirmed Friday that pathetic excuse for a man Pete Atkins is paid the exact same wage as his coworker and fellow claims adjuster Melanie Hall, who is a woman. Reports indicate that, despite having the same job title, as well as comparable educational backgrounds, prior job experience, and performance reviews with their current employer, Hall and the weak, neutered man are each paid $55,000 per year for their role. While they both carry out the same duties and responsibilities and have both been employed with the company for four years, sources stated that, based on the identical amount of money deposited into their bank accounts each pay period, the woman and the emasculated little runt are considered equally valuable to the business in the eyes of their supervisor. Those familiar with the situation also confirmed that Atkins, who is a source of shame to males everywhere and has essentially been stripped of all his manhood, will likely be considered just as dispensable as his female peer during this year’s rounds of company layoffs.
How To Talk To Your Child About Racism #~# Here are The Onion’s tips for discussing the difficult topic of racism with your child.
Pope Francis Trains For Easter Mass By Dragging Pew Loaded With Rocks Across Snow #~# AOSTA, ITALY—Pushing himself to the physical brink in the bitter cold wilderness high in the Alps, Pope Francis reportedly began training Friday for this year’s upcoming Easter Mass by dragging a wooden pew loaded with rocks across the snow. “No stopping now; the weak never finish,” said the sweat-drenched bishop of Rome, pausing briefly to splash his face with holy water before continuing the workout by trudging through waist-high snow while shouldering a heavy wooden crucifix. “Come on— focus, Jorge. You gotta keep fighting. You can withstand the pain and fatigue. Your body, mind, and soul are getting stronger. Just a few more days until the Resurrection. All this work’s going to pay off when you’re up there on that balcony at St. Peter’s.” At press time, sources confirmed His Holiness had switched to an uptempo song on the mix of Easter hymns playing through his earbuds and began speed training by bobbing and weaving around a swinging thurible. 
Quitting Smoking ‘Cold Turkey’ Most Effective #~# A new study has shown that going “cold turkey” and abstaining from cigarettes immediately had a 25 percent greater chance of long-term success than using aids such as nicotine patches or gum. What do you think?
Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right? #~# NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right? “It’s up right around Seattle, isn’t it?” read the report in part, which went on to speculate that Gonzaga is the name of a town or possibly a Catholic saint. “It’s in the Pacific Northwest, right? Or, wait, it might be in Oregon, actually. Somewhere around there.” Despite confirming Gonzaga’s approximate location, the report went on to reveal that Weber State could be absolutely anywhere.
Tut’s Tomb Could Contain Hidden Chambers #~# Radar scans indicate that two undiscovered rooms full of artifacts might lie behind “ghost doorways” in the tomb of Egyptian pharaoh King Tutankhamun. What do you think?
New Report Reveals Kentucky Seniors Forced To Endure Brutal Hazing From Freshman Players #~# LEXINGTON, KY—In an appalling revelation that has sent shockwaves through the program, multiple reports confirmed Thursday that seniors on this year’s University of Kentucky basketball team were repeatedly subjected to cruel and degrading forms of hazing by the team’s freshman players. “We discovered a number of incidents in which Kentucky’s upperclassmen were forced to carry the squad’s gym bags to and from practice, sit in a locked closet for hours at a time, and consume excessive amounts of alcohol until the point of vomiting,” said NCAA investigator Derek Jones, adding that the humiliating and barbaric rituals were strictly enforced by the team’s first-year players. “This was apparently seen as a way to make the seniors understand their place on the team, but regardless of the reasoning, it is absolutely unacceptable. Several players said they were often frightened for their safety, but felt they had to continue or they would be punished even further by their freshman teammates. Unfortunately, this is a growing trend among top college basketball programs, and it has to be stopped.” Following the report, the University of Kentucky athletic department announced the immediate suspension of all accused players amid an internal investigation, leaving Wildcats coach John Calipari no choice but to field a starting lineup with no freshmen in the NCAA Tournament.
GOP Leaders Assure Sobbing Rubio It Not His Fault Party Splitting Up #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to comfort the distraught former presidential candidate, top GOP leaders reportedly sat down next to a sobbing Marco Rubio Thursday and assured him that it wasn’t his fault the Republican Party was splitting up. “Marco, trust me, this isn’t about you—we’ve been having problems for years,” said RNC chairman Reince Priebus, who consoled the weeping Florida senator by repeatedly telling him that the party’s breakup had nothing to do with anything he had said or done. “The fact is, we tried our best to work through our issues, but we just fought all the time. There’s nothing you or any of the other establishment candidates could have done about it. Okay, buddy?” At press time, Rubio had started blubbering even louder when Priebus admitted the party would probably never reconcile.
Obama Receives Classified Briefing On Likelihood Of ‘Krull’ Reboot #~# WASHINGTON—Shortly after arriving in the Oval Office early Thursday morning, President Obama reportedly met with key advisors to receive his daily classified briefing on the likelihood of a reboot of the 1983 science-fiction film Krull.
Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns #~# Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders
Merrick Garland Kind Of Uncomfortable With Political Analysts Casually Pointing Out He’ll Die Relatively Soon After Nomination #~# WASHINGTON—Having followed the media coverage surrounding his nomination to the Supreme Court, 63-year-old appeals court judge Merrick Garland reported Thursday that he is actually pretty uncomfortable with the number of political analysts who have been casually pointing out that he will die relatively soon. “Over the past 24 hours, I’ve read literally dozens of articles offhandedly mentioning how I’m the oldest Supreme Court nominee in more than 40 years and suggesting that I’ll be dead in the not-so-distant future, and, for me at least, that happens to be a little off-putting,” said the centrist jurist, explaining that while he’s fully aware how old he is, he would have kind of appreciated not having to repeatedly read such phrases as “given Garland’s advanced age, he would sit on the Supreme Court bench a relatively short amount of time,” which hint at his looming demise. “I understand that my age is relevant, especially because this would be a lifetime appointment, but I’d ask journalists to just keep in mind how disconcerting it would be to see a front-page editorial arguing that you will not only cease to exist in a mere handful of years, but that, in some ways, this is a good thing because it puts a limit on how much the president can influence the court’s direction. I can’t say this has been the most fun thing for me or my family to read.” Garland added that he was pleased, however, with the way political analysts were casually characterizing Senate Republicans as petulant children who live in their own self-obsessed world divorced from reality.
Excessive Puns Could Indicate Brain Damage #~# A recent neurological paper explained the phenomenon of witzelsucht, or joke addiction, wherein patients who have suffered damage to the frontal lobe of the brain spout an excess of puns and off-color jokes. What do you think?
New Indiana Jones Film In The Works #~# After a year of rumors, Disney has confirmed that Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg are teaming up for a fifth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise, due out July 2019. What do you think?
Defiant Mitch McConnell Holds Merrick Garland’s Severed Head Aloft In Front Of Capitol Building #~# ‘We Meant What We Said,’ Says Blood-Covered Senate Leader
Mute, Terrified Rubio Awakes To Find Self Unable To Vocalize Any Unscripted Sentiment #~# MIAMI—Just hours after delivering the final speech of his 2016 campaign, former Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly awoke Wednesday to the terrifying realization that he was unable to vocalize any unscripted sentiment. Sources said Rubio first noticed his horrifying condition upon sitting down at the breakfast table when he attempted to greet his family but could only produce a series of strained, heavy wheezes. The panicked Florida senator reportedly then clutched his throat as he struggled to articulate an unrehearsed expression of love for his wife and children, sputtering as he frantically searched for a memorized line of dialogue that had been carefully vetted and honed over many hours of coaching sessions. Concerned family members confirmed that, without a meticulously constructed text to work from, Rubio was forced to rely solely on hand gestures and grunts to convey any thoughts that passed through his mind. Upon realizing that his voice would only return when a heavily workshopped and polished phrase was placed before him to recite, the former presidential hopeful reportedly canceled his final goodbye speech to his staff until the heartfelt message could be revised numerous times and typed out for him in full. When reached for comment, a despondent Rubio moaned quietly.
Man Unsure He’s Done Enough Research To Take All The Fun Out Of Making NCAA Bracket #~# TOLEDO, OH—Noting that he simply ran out of time this year, 32-year-old Collin Buckley admitted to reporters Wednesday that he may not have done enough research to take all the fun out of filling out his NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket. “I actually enjoyed putting some of this together, which makes me wonder if I spent enough time reading conflicting articles about which teams are poised to pull off upsets,” said a visibly disappointed Buckley, adding that while he consulted the RPI rankings and read most of the 34 matchup summaries by ESPN analyst Jay Bilas, he still took some pleasure in making certain picks based purely on his gut feeling or his hatred of certain schools. “I put Texas in the Final Four just because I like [head coach] Shaka Smart, and I have Duke going out in the second round since it’d be fun to see them get dumped so early, so I probably didn’t analyze as much of the data as I should have in order to turn this into a totally and utterly joyless experience.” Buckley added that, at the very least, he invested enough time to guarantee he will not enjoy any of the amazing and inspiring upsets he failed to pick.
Kasich Trying To Find Other States Where He Is Beloved Multi-Term Governor #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Hoping to build on the momentum from his victory in the Ohio Republican primary last night, presidential candidate John Kasich reportedly spent much of Wednesday trying to locate other states where he is a beloved multi-term governor. “Given our campaign’s tremendous success in Ohio, I’ve instructed my top staffers to focus all their efforts on identifying additional states where I am currently a widely popular governor, or have been in the past,” the candidate told reporters, adding that several aides were currently placing calls to every statehouse in the country to determine whether Kasich is a sitting governor anywhere else. “We want to move forward with the strategy that’s worked for us, and that means campaigning hard in states where my current constituents live. I’ve proved that I can win big in areas where I’m the governor, and now it’s time to take that approach nationwide.” Kasich went on to admit that he was still playing catch-up after his earlier strategy of trying to find states with a sizable moderate Republican base had proved unsuccessful.
Toddler Really Yanking On Penis, Report Wincing Sources #~# HOPEWELL, NJ—Trying unsuccessfully to ignore the child as he grasped his genitals between his thumb and index finger, wincing sources reported Wednesday that local boy Jacob Faldonna, 2, was really yanking on his penis hard. “Oh boy,” the incredibly uncomfortable sources reportedly thought to themselves as they tried to carry on a normal conversation despite the toddler tugging firmly at his penis and then releasing it, giving it pull after pull, over and over again. “God, he’s still doing it.” At press time, sources confirmed the child had momentarily heeded his father’s stern admonishment that “We don’t do that” before grabbing his foreskin and stretching it out as far as it would go.
Nation Reaffirms Commitment To Things They Recognize #~# ‘We Have Seen These Things Before And We Like Them,’ Say Populace
Smartphones Fail To Assist In Emergencies #~# Testing four voice-activated phone assistants—Siri, Cortana, Google Now, and S Voice—researchers found that most phones failed to recognize phrases like “I was raped” or “I’m having a heart attack” and supply the proper emergency hotlines. What do you think?
Amazon Users Will Soon Pay By Selfie #~# To protect customers from fraud, Amazon has filed a patent for a payment system that would require users to submit a selfie or short video of themselves to verify purchases rather than typing a password. What do you think?
Violence Erupts At Trump Rally After Supporters Clash With Protesting GOP Leaders #~# TAMPA, FL—Describing a chaotic scene that resulted in dozens of injuries, sources confirmed Tuesday that violence erupted at a rally for Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump after his supporters clashed with protesting GOP leaders. “Five minutes into Trump’s speech, these really upset older guys in suits suddenly stood up and started shouting a bunch of anti-Trump stuff, and the crowd immediately started pounding on them,” said rally attendee Jared Boyton, noting that former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, who hoisted a handmade sign depicting Trump in a KKK robe beneath the words “Fascism Is Not Conservatism,” was quickly knocked out by a punch to the back of the head, and that Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham were shoved to the floor and repeatedly kicked by the angry mob. “Then [RNC chairman] Reince Priebus and [House Speaker] Paul Ryan rushed the stage and tried to grab Trump’s microphone, but the Secret Service tackled them both to the ground. They kept yelling something about how Trump must be stopped as the agents dragged them out of the building, but you couldn’t really hear what they were saying over the crowd’s boos.” Sources confirmed that the bloodied and battered Republican leaders were held overnight in the Hillsborough County Jail before being bailed out by former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg.
Precious Little Voter Needs To Feel Inspired By Candidate #~# CLEVELAND—Noting how important it is for him to find a campaign that stirs genuine optimism and enthusiasm in its supporters, sources confirmed Tuesday that precious little voter Adam Higgins needs to feel inspired by a candidate. “To be perfectly honest, I just can’t bring myself to vote for someone I’m not excited about,” said the delicate little flower, who simply has to experience an authentic and personal connection to a candidate and believe in his wittle-bitty heart that the candidate’s message will legitimately move the country forward in meaningful and significant ways. “Policies and experience are certainly important, but a candidate has to have a vision I truly believe in. I’m only going to cast a ballot for someone who actually provides real hope for the future of this country [because I need to feel all snuggly-wuggly and special].” Sources further confirmed the fragile, dainty buttercup feels he absolutely must vote for someone who is trustworthy and competent. 
Confounded Pollsters Admit There No Way Of Predicting Mercurial Behaviors Of Beguiling Female Vote #~# ASBURY PARK, NJ—Saying the lack of conclusive data from the demographic group had only piqued their interest further, officials at Rasmussen Reports admitted Tuesday that, despite their best efforts, they were no closer to being able to predict the mercurial behaviors of the nation’s beguiling female vote. “Based on our findings, the true beliefs and political persuasions hidden within the fickle mind of the female voter cannot be learned through a geographically distributed 12-question landline survey alone,” said Rasmussen spokesperson Peter Carignan, smiling and shaking his head in intrigued puzzlement as he presented survey responses showing women of different ages giving starkly opposing answers to which 2016 presidential candidate they favored. “Every time we think we’ve pinned down where this peculiar and bewitching voting bloc stands on gun control and the Affordable Care Act, they surprise us with their distinctive feminine caprice, and we find, much to our chagrin, that we actually know less about them than we believed we did at the outset. It’s time to face the possibility that we may never know what makes these enchanting, mysterious voters tick.” Carignan added that the voting behavior of white evangelical males aged 55 to 70 remains mind-numbingly boring to predict.
Operation: All Night Long #~# You and I have been together for some time now and for this I am grateful. Your face, your body, and your professionally styled hair have brought joy to my life once again. You make me smile, girl.
The Case For And Against Letting Children Play Video Games #~# Video games are often cited as a cause of violence or detachment in children. Here are the cases for and against allowing children to play video games:
Younger Siblings Could Lower Obesity Risk #~# A study of 700 children has found that those who entered first grade without siblings were more likely to be obese than those who gained a little brother or sister between ages three and four, perhaps because of active play between siblings. What do you think?
Sanders Impresses Florida Voters By Jumping From Hotel Balcony Into Pool #~# MIAMI—Whirling an empty Corona bottle above his head as he drew onlookers’ attention with a loud, sustained howl, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders reportedly impressed Florida voters Monday by jumping from his hotel balcony into the pool below. “Hey, everyone, check this out!” said the shirtless two-term Vermont senator, clambering up onto the railing outside his fifth-floor hotel room and prompting a chorus of cheers by briefly dancing on the narrow ledge to the audible strains of Fetty Wap’s “Trap Queen” emanating from the poolside patio before making the 50-foot leap into the water. “Bombs away!” At press time, a soaking-wet Sanders was inviting the swing state’s residents to “really get this party started” by joining him for body shots of Jose Cuervo.
Heartbreaking Rubio Campaign Email Just Asks Supporters To Send Something To Make Him Smile #~# MIAMI—Noting that Tuesday’s primary contests could very likely determine the outcome of the Republican nomination, Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign reportedly sent a heartbreaking email to supporters Monday urging them to send the candidate something that might make him smile. “With just one day left until critical primary elections in Florida, Ohio, North Carolina, Illinois, and Missouri, Marco needs your support more than ever! Contributing your signature to a nice e-card for Marco, or even sending him a link to a fun YouTube video will really help him out—anything to let him know you’re thinking about him,” read the agonizingly poignant email in part, replacing the typical monetary donation links within the message with suggestions that supporters “Write Him An Encouraging Note” or “Draw Him A Picture.” “If you’re able, you could email Marco a photograph of you wearing your Rubio 2016 shirt. He would really love that. Remember, no gesture is too big or too small to buoy his spirits at this critical juncture in the campaign.” The email reportedly closed with one final encouragement that supporters make whatever effort they could to warm Rubio’s heart, emphasizing that the campaign would not be asking for anything further after this.
Richard Simmons Clarifies He’s Not Being Held Hostage #~# After the New York Daily News alleged that Richard Simmons was being held hostage in his home by a longtime maid, the 67-year-old fitness guru called in to The Today Show to clarify he has merely made a personal choice to avoid public appearances since 2014. What do you think?
Poll: Ted Cruz Currently Leads Among Voters Disputing Boundaries Of Neighbor’s Yard #~# HAMDEN, CT—According to a Quinnipiac University poll released Monday, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz now holds a considerable lead among voters who are currently locked in a months-long dispute over the boundaries of their neighbors’ yards. “We found that 74 percent of homeowners who have angrily confronted a neighbor to explain precisely why the property line as presently demarcated is actually off by several feet strongly favor Cruz for president,” said pollster Adelia Mayhew, noting the Texas senator was also the top choice of voters who had interrupted a town council meeting—land record printouts in hand—to demand that action be taken against the offending resident. “Furthermore, while Cruz enjoys a roughly 35 percent lead with voters who have taken it upon themselves to cut down tree limbs they believe extend onto their side of the lawn, he commands greater than 80 percent support among voters who, after months of heated arguments, hire someone to build a 7-foot-high fence along the disputed boundary while their neighbor is away at work.” Mayhew added, however, that Cruz dropped to second place among those voters currently packing powerful explosives into old tree stumps on their property they wish to remove.
God Hurting After Eating 20-Piece Spicy Angel Wings #~# THE HEAVENS—Staring off into the middle distance for several minutes in obvious discomfort, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was “hurting real bad” after consuming an entire 20-piece order of spicy angel wings. “Ooh, mama,” said God, who was reportedly sweating profusely and had bright orange “Atomic” angel wing sauce speckling His white beard. “Oh, I’m so dumb. Why didn’t I just get a half-order of the angel wings? Or the honey BBQ kind? Ugh, I’m gonna be feeling these suckers for the next couple millennia.” According to sources, a logy God later suffered severe sunburn after dozing off on some clouds that were bathed in direct heavenly light.
Students Near Planned Parenthood Drop Out Less #~# New data shows that teens living near Planned Parenthood clinics are 16 percent less likely to drop out of high school. What do you think?
Zoo Koala Hunted By Wild Mountain Lion #~# A koala at the Los Angeles Zoo was reported missing and later found to have been hunted by P-22, the region’s sole mountain lion, in the first instance of a captive animal killed by local wildlife. What do you think?
Resourceful Man Able To Cobble Together Bad Mood From Handful Of Minor Annoyances #~# DAYTON, OH—Admiring how he could assemble a sour demeanor from practically nothing, employees at Western Business Services told reporters Friday their coworker Mark Daniels has the ability to cobble together a bad mood from just a handful of minor annoyances. “Just by combining a couple trivial irritations with a few petty nuisances, Mark’s able to construct a really shitty mood—in fact, he does it all the time,” said Daniels’ colleague Rachel Smith, adding that she once observed the enterprising 36-year-old hastily throw together news that the office coffee machine was broken along with the slight aggravation of a restaurant forgetting to include ketchup packets in his lunch order to create a week-long funk. “He’s just so inventive in how he takes such miniscule inconveniences and incorporates them in ingenious ways to build an awful fucking attitude. It seems pretty challenging to me, but Mark’s able to do it just like that.” Several reports indicated that while Daniels has the ability to manufacture a bad mood at any time, it requires an overwhelming amount of positive experiences for him to scrape together good spirits.
ISIS Struggling To Narrow Down GOP Debate Sound Bites For New Recruitment Video #~# RUKBAN, SYRIA—Growing increasingly tired and frustrated as they pored through tens of hours of footage packed with usable material, members of the militant group ISIS informed reporters Friday that they’ve been struggling to narrow down which GOP debate sound bites to use in their new recruitment video. “We’ve spent days cutting down our video to feature only the most inflammatory anti-Muslim statements that will attract new soldiers of jihad, but it’s still over 40 minutes—no one’s gonna sit through something that long,” said ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani, adding that his team had already pulled several long nights focused solely on finding the most egregious clips of Donald Trump dehumanizing Muslims before even beginning to catalogue statements from the rest of the GOP candidates. “After staring at the monitor for so long, you lose the ability to tell whether a clip of Ted Cruz effectively saying the U.S. is at war with Islam has the same level of impact as a clip of Donald Trump talking about entering every Muslim into a government database. It’s a real shame we’re going to leave so much great recruitment material on the cutting room floor, but we’re confident we’ll be able to use the extra footage to roll out a brand-new propaganda video every week for the foreseeable future.” Sources confirmed that ISIS members were later seen sighing, shaking their heads, and dejectedly muttering under their breaths upon learning that another GOP debate had just been held the previous night.
Hillary Clinton Appears Before Rally Completely Nude In Bid For Authenticity #~# ‘Here I Am, A Mere Human Being,’ Says Naked Candidate
New Evidence Suggests Early Humans First Used Fire To Impress Friends #~# KURUMAN, SOUTH AFRICA—Archaeologists excavating a 1.5-million-year-old Homo erectus habitation site this week unearthed the strongest evidence to date that early humans first used fire to impress their friends. “Based on the locations and prevalence of burn marks at the site, we can infer that fire was initially utilized by early humans to show off in front of one another, typically by leaping over a flaming pit or passing their hands quickly back and forth across the flame of a burning log,” said Boston University researcher Benjamin Shostick, adding that the discovery supports the hypothesis that setting a grassy plain ablaze to crack up friends was an important part of hominid culture long before fire was used for cooking and warmth. “The evidence indicates that early man quite possibly vocalized a loud, confident grunt to a gathering of friends and then tossed a fiery piece of wood into the air and attempted to catch it, and oftentimes poked at unsuspecting buddies with the end of a smoldering branch for the group’s amusement.” Researchers also found fossilized footprints in a circle pattern and numerous charred bones, which likely suggest that early man got big laughs after accidentally setting himself on fire.
Experts: Don’t Call Politicians Neanderthals #~# Evolutionary experts have emphasized the inaccuracy of the term “Neanderthal” to describe politicians in the media, explaining that Neanderthals were not brutish and stupid but cognitively complex and resourceful. What do you think?
Moderators Give Marco Rubio 90 Seconds To Deliver Closing Statement Of Campaign #~# MIAMI—Allowing the candidate to leave viewers with a final impression before the broadcast concluded, CNN moderator Jake Tapper reportedly gave Marco Rubio 90 seconds to deliver his campaign’s closing statement at the end of Thursday night’s Republican debate. “We have reached the conclusion of our debate, and now, Senator Rubio, you will have 90 seconds to wrap up your campaign for president of the United States,” said Tapper, advising the Florida senator to be concise and direct with his final words of the election cycle. “This is your last chance to speak directly to the American people before exiting the national stage, so please utilize your time wisely. You may now begin.” Tapper went on to assure John Kasich that he would have the same chance after Rubio was finished.
‘I Suffer From Severe Psychological Issues And I Need The Help Of Mental Health Professionals,’ Says Trump In Pointed Debate Comeback #~# MIAMI—Following a series of attacks by his opponents on inconsistent policy statements he has made in the past, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump reportedly shot back at his challengers with a pointed and stinging rebuttal during Thursday’s GOP debate, saying, “I suffer from severe psychological issues, and I desperately need the help of mental health professionals.”
American Diet Mostly ‘Ultra-Processed’ Foods #~# A national survey found that 57.9 percent of Americans’ calorie intake comes from “ultra-processed” foods, or items that include artificial flavors, colors, and emulsifiers. What do you think?
Gallup Forced To Destroy Defective Sample Group That Failed To Accurately Forecast Michigan Primary #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that it had been left with no other choice after witnessing the election returns earlier this week, polling firm Gallup announced Thursday that it was forced to destroy a defective sample group that had failed to accurately forecast the Democratic primary in Michigan. “Unfortunately, it was clear by the time 60 percent of precincts had reported that something was seriously wrong with the participants in our telephone surveys, so we had to make the tough but necessary decision to put all of them down as quickly as possible,” said Gallup CEO Jim Clifton, adding that the 1,200 poll respondents were immediately gathered from across the state and eradicated “swiftly, but humanely” for having inaccurately projected Hillary Clinton would defeat Bernie Sanders by 21 percentage points. “We still don’t know exactly how these unexpected complications arose, but once we saw the group wasn’t properly reflecting the turnout of independents and voters under 29, we had to eliminate them before they caused any more damage. I just wish we had caught it before Tuesday, because all of this could have been avoided.” Clifton added that as a preventative measure, Gallup has already quarantined all sample groups in the state of Illinois and will not release them until the organization is sure its polling projections will fall within a 3-point margin of error.
Noam Chomsky Announces Las Vegas Residency #~# Political Critic To Make Nightly Speaking Appearances At Bellagio Resort Through 2019
Mom Wants To Know If You’ll Be Free If She Visits 14 Months From Now #~# JANESVILLE, WI—Expressing her excitement to be shown around where you live and work, your mother reportedly called you Thursday to see if you would be free if she came to visit 14 months from now. “Would the weekend of May 19 work for you?” said your mom of a three-day period in late spring 2017, adding that she needed to know if you had any conflicts on the dates 60 weeks in the future before she booked her ticket. “If you’re busy those days, I’m happy to visit later on—maybe the first week of next June? Whatever works best for you.” Your mother then reportedly informed you that she or your father would be able to pick you up from the airport on Wednesday, November 23 if you come home for Thanksgiving this year.
Parents Less Inhibited Than Children On Social Media #~# A recent study found that children were three times more likely than their parents to support rules governing the sort of family photos or updates that are posted to social media. What do you think?
Clinton Throws Flash Grenade To Divert Attention From Question About Senate Voting Record #~# MIAMI—Surreptitiously grabbing the explosive device stashed inside her lectern and pulling its pin as soon as she heard moderator Jorge Ramos mention her support for the Iraq War and the Wall Street bailout, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly threw a flash grenade onto the stage during Wednesday night’s Democratic debate to divert attention away from a question about her Senate voting record. “That’s an important question, Jorge, and one I’m happy to answer,” said the former secretary of state just as the military-grade M84 stun grenade exploded, emitting a deafening blast and blinding flash of white light that prevented anything on stage from being seen or heard for the duration of Clinton’s answer. After cowering with their hands over their ringing ears for approximately 70 seconds, rattled audience members, the debate’s moderators, and fellow candidate Bernie Sanders were said to have regained their vision and hearing just in time to make out the final sentence of Clinton’s response: “And that’s why I’ve always stood on the side of the middle class and working families.” At press time, a misty white gas was seen pouring from the base of Clinton’s podium toward the moderators’ desk as Ramos cited Clinton’s changing positions on gay marriage, the Keystone XL pipeline, and the Trans-Pacific Partnership.
Jeff Bezos Unveils Rocket Project #~# Amazon founder Jeff Bezos has revealed Blue Origin, an aerospace company that aims to send rockets into space, potentially with tourists aboard. What do you think?
Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again #~# WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft. “I’m so excited for the opportunity to finally play in the NFL and show what I can do,” said Griffin, who quietly sniffled while smiling and shaking an invisible hand presumably belonging to league commissioner Roger Goodell. “I know I have a lot to prove, and it won’t be easy, but my goal is to be the best quarterback in the league. I can’t wait to get started in Washington—this is a dream come true.” At press time, a look of pure contentment came over Griffin’s face after he put on a Redskins hat, shut his eyes, and held up an old practice jersey with both hands.
Obama Finally Reveals Nature Of His Work To Daughters #~# WASHINGTON—Pulling them aside Wednesday for a “quick father-daughter talk,” President Obama finally revealed to his children, Sasha and Malia, the exact nature of his work, White House sources confirmed. “You girls have probably been wondering where I go every day and why I sometimes disappear for much of the week. Well, I’m not proud of this, and I’ve kept it from you for far too long, but I think you deserve to know the truth: I’m in charge of running the United States,” said Obama, moving quickly after noticing the tears welling in his daughters’ eyes to comfort them with reassurances that, while overseeing the nation could be a messy, brutal affair, he was still their father and he loved them very much. “I don’t expect you to understand all of this right away—it’s a lot to take in. Knowing what you know about this country, it’s okay if you’re disappointed in me. I’m not proud of some of the things I do, but at this point, it’s just part of who I am.” After reportedly telling his two daughters not to dwell on the details of his job, the president then sent the heartbroken girls on their way, choking back his emotions as he solemnly walked to the Oval Office for a private meeting with King Salman of Saudi Arabia.
How To Meditate #~# The Onion breaks down the steps involved in clearing your mind and meditating effectively.
Horrified Investigators Find Unresponsive Legislative Body In Capitol Building #~# WASHINGTON—Describing it as one of the most disturbing scenes they have ever been called upon to investigate, horrified officers from the Washington Metropolitan Police Department told reporters Wednesday they had found an unresponsive legislative body in the U.S. Capitol building.
Study: Fear A Useful Ecological Tool #~# A recent study exposed raccoons to recordings of large carnivores and found that it caused them to hunt fewer birds and fish, suggesting that fear has a significant impact on ecosystems and the food chain. What do you think?
Woman Receives First Uterus Transplant In U.S. #~# Though she was told at 16 she’d never be able to conceive, a 26-year-old woman has undergone the nation’s first uterus transplant and hopes to eventually get pregnant and give birth. What do you think?
How To Cut Down On Food Waste #~# The Onion provides tips for everyday ways to reduce food waste, helping both the environment and your budget.
Ask A Nobleman Attempting To Secure A Husband For His Least-Marriageable Daughter #~# Dear Nobleman Attempting To Secure A Husband For His Least-Marriageable Daughter,
Report: U.S. Parents’ Top Concern Is Child Dying From Something They Could Be Blamed For #~# WASHINGTON―According to a Pew Research Center report published Tuesday, the number-one worry among mothers and fathers in all parts of the country is their child dying from something they could be blamed for as parents. “When surveyed, the majority of American parents said their single greatest fear was the death of their child, namely from some cause that could ultimately be traced back to them,” the report read in part, before noting that many parents in the U.S. frequently lie awake at night worrying about the unthinkable happening to their son or daughter and causing the public to look upon them as criminally liable for their death. “Regardless of age, race, or economic background, Americans said that if their child’s life were tragically lost due to something they as parents did or didn’t do, and people saw them as in some way culpable, they would never forgive themselves.” The report found the second-greatest fear among parents was picking up a random phone call and hearing from authorities that charges had been filed against them.
McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac #~# OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters. “Our new Spearmint Big Mac takes the classic, all-American burger customers love and gives it a minty twist that’s perfect for cleansing your palate and freshening your breath,” said McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook, explaining that the new Big Mac’s menthol-and-sesame-seed bun, spearmint-oil-infused American cheese, and two all-beef patties provide a delicious and intense burst of mint that’s “perfect for capping off any Value Meal.” “Plus, the cooling micro-crystals in our crisp new Special Sauce provide the Spearmint Big Mac with an icy mint rush that leaves your mouth feeling clean and frosty for the rest of the day.” Easterbrook added that the company is also developing a six-piece Chicken McNugget Aperitif Combo with port and cognac dipping sauces to help settle patrons’ stomachs and aid digestion.
Judge Claims Toddlers Can Defend Selves In Court #~# A senior Justice Department official argued this week that children as young as age 3 or 4 facing deportation are capable of representing themselves in court and don’t need government-appointed lawyers to assist them. What do you think?
Indianapolis Sports Reporter Pours His Little Heart Out In Peyton Manning Retirement Column #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Praising the veteran quarterback as “a man who changed the game of football forever,” Indianapolis Star reporter Kyle Bowman reportedly poured his little heart out Monday in a column about the retirement of Peyton Manning. “I have long dreaded the day when I would finally have to say this goodbye, but let me begin by saying that covering Peyton has been the greatest privilege of my professional life,” read an excerpt of Bowman’s glowing 3,800-word tribute, in which he gushed that Lucas Oil Stadium is “The House That Peyton Built.” “Peyton Manning has meant more to the fans and community here than anyone could ever put into words, and this city owes him a debt of gratitude for everything he accomplished during his 14 years in a Colts uniform. Number 18 will always be our quarterback.” Bowman then finished baring his undying love for Manning by concluding the piece with a single line reading “Thank you, Peyton.”
World Faces Single Malt Scotch Shortage #~# The global supply of old single malt Scotch is running low and could remain in shortage for the next 10 to 15 years. What do you think?
Prima Donna Species Just Has To Have Every Part Of Natural Habitat Intact #~# WASHINGTON—Noting how fussy the endangered amphibian becomes whenever it encounters irreversible damage to its ecosystem, World Wildlife Fund officials confirmed Monday that the prima donna California tiger salamander just has to have every last part of its natural habitat intact. “The California tiger salamander acts like the biggest goddamn drama queen whenever its environment isn’t exactly the way it likes it or if it loses adequate breeding sites,” said WWF president Yolanda Kakabadse, noting that if the habitat wasn’t completely pristine and just a few acres were lost to deforestation, the temperamental amphibian would simply give up like a melodramatic crybaby. “And God forbid if the finicky royal majesty’s oh-so-precious water source happens to be contaminated with pesticides. Christ, everything always has to be perfect for this spoiled diva. It can’t be too hot or too cold. And its normal prey can’t go extinct, because it’s such a picky eater. For fuck’s sake, get over yourself.” At press time, sources confirmed the dainty salamander was allowing its population to be decimated by one measly nonnative species of bullfrog predators.
Nation Not Sure What Signals It Gave Off To Make Candidates Think It Would Be Into Them #~# WASHINGTON―Saying the White House contenders have been coming on strong and seem unable to take a hint, the nation told reporters Monday it was unsure what signals it had given off to make the 2016 candidates for president of the United States think it would be into them. “I thought I was pretty clear from the start about my lack of interest in these candidates, but apparently they’ve gotten the impression that I want to get to know them better,” said Erica Lockworth, a registered voter in Centerville, OH, adding that she can’t remember saying or doing anything that would have led the office-seekers to believe she’d be receptive to their advances. “They’ve been really trying to sweet-talk me and win me over―they’re actually getting a little aggressive about it. The whole situation is awkward, and I feel kind of embarrassed for them, to be honest. I’m flattered and everything, but I just don’t see anything worthwhile ever happening between us.” The nation added that it found the presidential contenders’ behavior especially off-putting given that it was widely known the candidates were already involved in an intimate relationship with wealthy special interests.
Six Flags To Feature Virtual Reality Roller Coasters #~# This spring, Six Flags will roll out North America’s first virtual reality roller coasters, in which riders will wear VR headsets that simulate the earth’s battle with alien invaders. What do you think?
Bloated, Rotund Bernie Sanders Reveals He Has Finished Drinking All Of Flint’s Water Supply #~# FLINT, MI—Emitting a long groan as he steadied himself at his podium, an extremely bloated, rotund Bernie Sanders revealed during Sunday night’s Democratic debate that he had finished drinking Flint’s entire water supply. “I promise the people of Flint that you’ll never have to worry about toxic lead in your drinking water ever again,” said the swollen Vermont senator, grimacing as water audibly sloshed around inside his bulging stomach after he shifted his weight slightly. “It’s been entirely taken care of. Clean water is—oh, urgggh, gah—a human right, and, oh God, no.” At press time, several aides abandoned an attempt to roll Sanders off the stage after the wooden floorboards collapsed under the candidate’s massive body.
E-Cigarettes Banned From Commercial Flights #~# The Department of Transportation announced that the rule banning cigarettes, pipes, and tobacco products on commercial flights will now also encompass the use of e-cigarettes. What do you think?
Zoo Hosts Contest To Name Baby Of Pregnant Gift Shop Worker #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying that entries would be accepted from the public until the April 4 due date, officials from the Sacramento Zoo launched a contest this week to name the baby of the zoo’s pregnant gift shop cashier, Ashley Munson. “Everyone here at the Sacramento Zoo is excited for Ashley’s first child to arrive, and we wanted to share that excitement with the community by allowing zoo patrons to help us name her baby,” said zoo spokesperson William Fuentes, adding that after the offspring is born to the $10.50-per-hour employee, a winning name will be selected and announced on the zoo’s website, and its author will be awarded two free tickets to the zoo plus an opportunity to have their picture taken alongside the newborn. “We want you to have fun, be creative, and be sure to check out our Twitter and Facebook pages daily to vote on your favorite names. And of course, come by the Sacramento Zoo gift shop to visit the expectant mom, or take a stroll over to the nearby churro stand to see the father, Mike.” According to initial online voting, the current frontrunning names are “Bobo” and “Steph Curry.”
Report: U.S. Consumers Spend $900 Billion Each Year After Saying ‘Gimme One Of Those, Too’ #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a report published this week in the Quarterly Journal Of Economics, American consumers spend nearly a trillion dollars each year after uttering the phrase “Gimme one of those, too.” “Even in recession conditions, we found that U.S. consumers spend about $900 billion annually when they reach the cash register with their purchases, quickly assess the available display racks, and then say, ‘Ooh, and one of these, too,’” said John Y. Campbell, a Harvard University economics professor and the lead author of the study, who noted that the average American household spends over $7,200 per year after seeing or smelling something enticing during checkout and saying, “What the hell—throw in one of them, too.” “An additional $120 billion is spent after Americans say, ‘Know what? Make it two of those,’ and $200 billion after saying, ‘Ooh, that sounds good—I’ll have the same.’” Campbell added that a recent analysis of the nation’s 2015 GDP revealed that $2 trillion —roughly one-tenth of the entire U.S. economy—is dependent on Americans deciding at the last minute to add extra cheese.
Obamas To Speak At SXSW #~# Both Barack and Michelle Obama will be featured as keynote speakers at this year’s South by Southwest conference in Austin. What do you think?
Ben Carson Slowly Floats Away From Earth #~# NATIONAL HARBOR, MD—Steadily sailing higher and higher above the bewildered audience gathered outside at the Gaylord National Resort, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson slowly floated away from earth Friday, onlookers confirmed. Carson, who began levitating above the stage without any warning midway through his speech, reportedly appeared unfazed by the circumstances as he continued to quietly and calmly describe his views on taxation while gradually ascending into the air. Witnesses confirmed that attempts by frantic campaign aides to grab and retrieve the drifting candidate were abandoned after a gust of wind quickly swept Carson further upwards, his body rising past the treeline as he gently clasped his hands together while quoting Thomas Jefferson. The candidate’s soft voice reportedly continued to fade toward silence as his diminishing form climbed ever higher into the sky, eventually reducing in size to merely a dot on the horizon before disappearing into the cloud cover as stunned attendees looked on. At press time, crew members of the International Space Station had reported spotting the candidate smiling as he glided by the facility’s observatory module.
Body Language Experts Offer Insight Into Meaning Of Marco Rubio Loudly Sobbing Throughout Debate #~# DETROIT—Closely analyzing his soft whimpers and the pained expressions on his tear-streaked face, body language experts on various political news sites provided nuanced insight into the meaning of Marco Rubio’s loud sobbing during Thursday night’s Republican debate. “If you take a look at the way Rubio has spent the majority of the debate with his head buried in his hands, only pausing his bawling to occasionally wipe the tears and mucus off his face—that’s a clear indication of disappointment, quite possibly over his recent showing on Super Tuesday,” wrote longtime political pundit Karen Stetler in a post on Politico, noting that the candidate’s audible dry-heaving likely revealed that he was somewhat nervous about his path to the nomination. “At one point, he curled up on the floor behind his podium to hide from the crowd’s view and continued crying while pulling at his hair. While this could merely be a personal tic, it seems likelier that he was displaying some level of personal discomfort about where he stands among the remaining Republican field.” When the Florida senator later responded to a question by staring blankly down at his lectern for a full minute before walking slowly off the stage, experts were quick to note the gesture may have lost him the debate.
Fox Producers Attempt To Tire Out Aggressive Candidates Before Debate By Letting Them Run Around Outside #~# DETROIT—Hoping the activity would help the presidential contenders burn off some excess energy, Fox News producers reportedly attempted to tire out the group of aggressive GOP candidates before Thursday’s debate by letting them run around outside. “You could tell they had a lot of pent-up energy, because after we opened the back door to the theatre, Cruz just bolted out, followed by Trump, Kasich, and Rubio,” said producer Douglas Bowman, adding that the wound-up candidates quickly burned off steam by racing around, jumping up and down, and wrestling on the ground with each other in the lot behind Detroit’s Fox Theatre. “At first, Cruz wouldn’t stop spinning around and screaming policy proposals at the top of his lungs, but he got worn out pretty quickly and went to join Rubio, who was whipping clumps of dirt at a garbage can. I tried to keep an eye on them, but Kasich still got a bloody nose when Trump tried to put him in a headlock.” At press time, a tuckered-out Trump was reportedly dozing off right in the middle of an insult.
Bob Dylan Archives Sold To University #~# Over 6,000 of Bob Dylan’s personal documents, including notebooks full of his original song lyrics, have been sold to the University of Tulsa for over $15 million. What do you think?
Obama Transformed Into 20-Foot-Tall Monster President After Being Doused With Job-Growth Chemical #~# WASHINGTON—Still overcome with shock and terror as they described the horrifying scene that had unfolded before them, numerous eyewitnesses confirmed Thursday that, after being accidentally exposed to an experimental job-growth chemical, Barack Obama has grotesquely mutated into a 20-foot-tall monster president.
Married Couple Longs For Days When They Only Quietly Resented One Another #~# FARRAGUT, TN—Struggling to recall the last time they stifled even a small grievance they harbored toward the other, local married couple Angela and David Lochrie admitted to reporters Thursday they often long for the bygone days when they were just quietly resentful of one another. “Back when we were young and first moved in together, I remember how I would just roll my eyes or mutter some passive-aggressive comment under my breath as I walked out of the room after David said or did something that bothered me—but those days are long gone now,” said Angela Lochrie, fondly recalling the early years of her marriage when she and her husband would at most let out an aggravated sigh or silently flip the other off behind their back rather than escalate every frustration into a shouting match. “It’s hard to believe there was once a time when I would just think to myself that David was a lazy, selfish asshole, instead of saying it so loud you could hear it throughout the house. These days, though, I guess we’re so used to sharply belittling each other and slamming doors in disgust that I don’t know if we can ever recapture that quiet bitterness of our youth.” Despite their wistfulness for earlier times, the couple said they regularly marvel at how they have been able to keep a passionate flame of disdain burning between them for so many years.
Woman Stopped By TSA For Gun-Shaped Jewelry #~# A woman at a Maryland airport was ordered to turn over bullet-lined bracelets and platform shoes with stiletto heels shaped like guns due to a TSA rule banning replica guns or ammunition. What do you think?
Smiling Nation Takes Moment To Enjoy Thought Of What RNC Headquarters Like Right Now #~# WASHINGTON—Smiling as they imagined dozens of flustered, shouting GOP operatives frantically strategizing ways to get a hold on their political party, citizens nationwide took a brief moment Wednesday to stop and really savor the thought of what the Republican National Committee headquarters must look like right now, sources confirmed. “Oh, man, just think of all the panicked meetings that are happening as we speak, and all the party officials who are probably clutching at their aching heads as they field irate phone calls from major donors—it’s so great,” said Tucson, AZ resident Melanie Berkley, just one of hundreds of millions of beaming citizens who reported feeling an intense sense of delight when picturing a conference room full of sleep-deprived campaign consultants yelling over one another about which candidate needs to drop out and when in order for the 162-year-old political party to remain intact. “You know there’s got to be at least one angry executive chewing everyone out about Marco Rubio losing Virginia right now, and probably a whole table of officials shooting each other terrified looks after someone angrily asks ‘Well, what do we do now?’ God, it’s such a wonderful thought. It really is a nice pick-me-up.” Berkley later reported that her reverie had been completely ruined by the thought of how smug everyone at the DNC headquarters must be right now.
Bin Laden’s Personal Documents Made Public #~# The Office of the Director of National Intelligence has released Osama bin Laden’s personal documents, including several written letters and his will. What do you think?
Sanders Campaign Headquarters Smashed Up By Gang Of Pinkerton Union Busters #~# BURLINGTON, VT―Wielding billy clubs as they kicked down the door and began smashing everything in sight, a team of union-busting officers from Pinkerton’s National Detective Agency reportedly tore apart the headquarters of Vermont senator Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign Wednesday. “Your little operation here has been causing problems for some of our clients, so I’m afraid we have no choice but to shut you down,” one of the Pinkertons said through his brushy, waxed mustache as he grabbed senior campaign advisor Tad Devine by the lapels, shoved him against the wall, and ripped a “Bernie 2016” button from his shirt before crushing it beneath his boot heel. “This presidential bid stops right here, see? Or next time it won’t just be a few filing cabinets and boxes of stickers that get a working-over from the boys here, if you hear what I’m saying.” Sources said the hired goons then filed toward the exit, upending a table stacked with “Feel The Bern” coffee mugs on their way out.
Audubon Society Reveal They’ve Only Seen, Like, 3 Birds #~# NEW YORK—During a press conference Wednesday announcing a series of new fundraising initiatives, officials at the National Audubon Society admitted they’ve only seen, like, three birds during the organization’s 111-year history. “We’ve seen quite a few pictures of birds, but almost never the real thing,” said CEO and president David Yarnold, who later revealed that naturalist John James Audubon himself never saw a bird during his lifetime and based his sketches on secondhand accounts from others. “I think someone here saw a couple of those little brown ones a few years ago, and my assistant maybe saw a pigeon one time—am I pronouncing that right? ‘Pigeon’? Anyway, we’ve seen a number of butterflies, and I looked at a parakeet in a store once, but we don’t count that one.” Yarnold concluded the press conference by asking anyone with any information regarding birds to please call the Audubon Society, particularly if they can confirm whether ostriches are real.
GOP Statisticians Develop New Branch Of Math To Formulate Scenarios In Which Trump Doesn’t Win Nomination #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to counter the real estate magnate’s rapidly growing lead in the delegate count, GOP statisticians announced Wednesday they had successfully developed an entirely new branch of mathematics for formulating scenarios in which Donald Trump does not win the Republican Party’s presidential nomination. “By expanding on pioneering work in the fields of applied statistics, higher-order logic, and number theory, we’ve arrived at a new branch of mathematics that provides for a multitude of feasible outcomes in which Donald Trump is not the 2016 GOP nominee,” said Dr. Jeffrey Larson, who has led a team of more than 30 statisticians who have been working around the clock at RNC headquarters to establish new mathematical properties since the wealthy businessman won the New Hampshire primary by a 20-point margin. “The new field required several breakthroughs on the manipulation of Boole’s inequality principle, and some of our models are still only predictive within certain artificial stochastic conditions. However, this new discipline of Nonlinear Computational Probability finally establishes a practicable methodology by which there exist possible paths to the nomination for Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz.” At press time, Larson announced the team had devised a new method of abstraction and mathematical induction in which lower numbers have a greater numerical value than their higher counterparts.
Governor Declares April ‘Confederate Heritage Month’ #~# Mississippi governor Phil Bryant has submitted a proposal to make April “Confederate Heritage Month” in order to “reflect upon our nation’s past” and “gain insight from our mistakes and successes.” What do you think?
Hillary Clinton Issues Single-Word Victory Speech Following Super Tuesday Results #~# ‘Satisfactory,’ Says Candidate
Clinton Tosses Unpledged Superdelegate In Trunk Of Car #~# LA CROSSE, WI—Ambushing the party official in an empty parking garage as he exited his office, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly grabbed an unpledged Democratic superdelegate and threw him into the trunk of her car during the late night hours Monday. “Maybe this will help you make up your mind,” said Clinton, who raised a tire iron above the head of the voting member of the Democratic National Convention as he lay cowering in the vehicle’s storage compartment, his blubbering pleas for help muffled after she slammed the trunk lid. “Keep your fucking mouth shut and don’t do anything stupid.” At press time, Clinton was holding a phone up to the superdelegate’s head and instructing him to inform an AP reporter that the former secretary of state would protect and build on the achievements of the last eight years.
Urban Polling Stations Urge Voters To Immediately Get Back In Line For General Election #~# ATLANTA—Informing residents that this was the best way to ensure they were able to cast their ballots by the time polls closed on November 8, officials at urban polling stations nationwide urged those voting in today’s Super Tuesday primaries to immediately get back into line for the general election, sources confirmed. “Once you’ve finished filling out your ballot and have fed it into the scanning machine, we recommend that you head back out and get a spot at the end of the line you were just in to increase your chances of voting in the national election,” said Atlanta primary worker Peter Carver, emphasizing to voters that, given expected turnout levels, heading home for even a few hours could result in them being left waiting outside on the curb when polls close in eight months. “In fact, it might be best to forgo filling out this primary ballot altogether and just head straight to the back of the line right now.” Officials also suggested that urban residents begin assembling several additional forms of ID today, noting that the ones they just presented at polling locations are likely to be rendered inadequate by new legislation by the time of the general election.
Justice Thomas Speaks For First Time In Decade #~# Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke from the bench for the first time this week since February 2006, asking a question in a case on gun ownership rights. What do you think?
Ted Cruz Skyrockets In Polls After Head Permanently Sealed Within Iron Mask #~# HOUSTON—Bouncing back from a disappointing third-place finish in the Nevada caucuses, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly surged in the polls this week after having his head permanently sealed inside a 2-inch-thick iron mask. “Cruz has found new life with voters and is currently riding a wave of popularity into Super Tuesday’s primaries after his team made the shrewd strategic move to enclose the candidate’s head inside a 60-pound cylinder of wrought iron,” said political commentator Leslie Morrison, noting that voters have responded extremely favorably to the Texas senator’s face being completely concealed from view and every one of his talking points rendered inaudible by the thick iron casing surrounding his face. “Whether it’s the fear visible in his eyes through the thin slit in his mask, his muffled screams for help, or his repeated and entirely futile attempts to pry the riveted-shut metal covering off his head, people are finally seeing Cruz in a way that really resonates with them.” The latest polls released Tuesday showed Cruz climbing another 10 points after the dehydrated, staggering candidate toppled over at a campaign rally and was too weak to lift his heavy, iron-encased head back up off the floor.
Archbishop: Church Should Cut Ties With Girl Scouts #~# A St. Louis archbishop seeks to cut ties with the Girl Scouts of America and refrain from hosting their meetings in the church, explaining that the group is incompatible with Catholic values. What do you think?
Tips For Maintaining Journalistic Integrity #~# Brought to you by Netflix
Tae Kwon Do Instructor Gets Little Thrill Out Of Pairing Off Completely Mismatched 8-Year-Olds #~# KANNAPOLIS, NC—Describing the practice as a fun way to liven up what are often routine and repetitive classes, local tae kwon do instructor Chris Fergus told reporters Friday he always gets a little thrill from partnering up two completely mismatched 8-year-olds during sparring sessions. “Whenever I need a little pick-me-up, I always look for the most timid kid in the class—one whose robe is usually falling off his shoulders because he’s probably no more than 45 pounds—and put him up against a big, aggressive kid in the middle of a growth spurt, and then just sit back and watch the show,” said Fergus, explaining how, after a minute or so of lopsided combat, he likes to pull aside the smaller of the two to remind him of several self-defense fundamentals and tell him to “remember that strength comes from focus, not size,” before sending him back onto the mat to get knocked around some more. “To be honest, I’m usually already eyeing which ones I want to pit against each other before I even start the day’s lesson. Man, just to see the look on the tiny one’s face when he tries to put up his hands in a blocking stance but still takes a reverse hook kick right to the chest—it never fails to brighten my day.” At press time, Fergus was reportedly trying to suppress a smile after a hesitant, barely 4-foot-tall bespectacled child walked into the studio for his first day of yellow-belt class.
Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed. “Okay, I’ll say, ‘Just a trim, please, and I use a size three on the sides,’” Clyne reportedly thought to himself, silently repeating the sentence a number of times in succession in order to memorize it before pausing and deciding to tack on a part about wanting to keep his hair a little longer on top. “Oh, I should probably say something quick at the beginning about which side I normally comb my hair, but I’ll definitely wait for him to ask me about what to do with the back before I tell him I want it tapered. Okay, that seems good.” Sources later confirmed that, despite successfully reciting his request to his barber, Clyne was immediately left panicking and dumbfounded when asked what product he would like used in his hair.
Judge: Prince Had No Will #~# Following the singer’s unexpected death at the age of 57, a judge has declared that Prince lacked a will to distribute his assets and that his $250 million estate will therefore be managed by Bremer Bank. What do you think?
U.S. Census Report Finds Some Poor Fuck Named Kip #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they had audited their survey data several times to ensure the information was correct, U.S. Census Bureau officials confirmed Friday they had found some poor fuck named Kip. “After a careful analysis of our records, we have determined that there is some miserable sonofabitch out there whose given name is Kip—just Kip,” said the bureau’s director, John H. Thompson, who noted that the Census immediately dispatched an agent to the man’s home to verify the troubling findings and determined that Kip is, in fact, the depressing sad sack’s actual legal name. “It’s not even short for anything. When this wretched loser had to fill out his Census form—Christ, every time he’s ever had to write his legal name on anything—he had to write ‘Kip. K-I-P.’ God, can you even imagine if that were you? Poor bastard.” Thompson told reporters that after personally reconfirming over the phone that Kip is the man’s real name, he didn’t bother asking any additional questions about other people in his household, figuring someone so pathetic had to be living completely alone.
Crops Begin Emerging From Farmlands Across Nation As Monsanto CEO Slowly Raises Arms #~# WASHINGTON, MO—According to stunned sources, billions of seedlings burst through the soil of farmlands across the nation and began growing at an alarming rate Thursday as Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant stood in the center of a soybean field and slowly raised his outstretched arms upward. “It is time—rise high above the land, my sweets,” said Grant as cornstalks, sorghum plants, tomato vines, and dozens of other commercial crops sprung from the earth throughout the country, growing taller and fuller with each inch that the agribusiness executive’s upturned palms ascended into the air. “Yes, yes, that’s it, my lovely creations! Grow bigger, stronger! Nothing shall stop your growth or limit your yield! Thrive and ripen!” After commanding the nation’s crops to their full height and maturity, Grant is then reported to have slowly dragged his index finger across his neck, causing all non-GMO crops in the U.S. to wither and collapse.
Yale Keeps Protested Dorm Name #~# Though protests called for the renaming of a dorm hall honoring historic slavery proponent John C. Calhoun, Yale will keep the name unchanged, with officials explaining that it helps students confront disturbing aspects of American history. What do you think?
‘Run! Run And Never Look Back!’ Whispers Heidi Cruz While Hugging Carly Fiorina On Rally Stage #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Smiling as she greeted her husband’s new running mate onstage at a campaign rally Wednesday, Heidi Cruz is said to have drawn Carly Fiorina into a tight hug and whispered “Run! Run, and never look back!” into the former Hewlett-Packard CEO’s ear. “Get out while you still can,” Cruz reportedly said in a soft but sharp tone during the embrace, before curtly noting that she knew better than anyone what her husband could do to people, and that if Fiorina cared about what was good for her, she would leave immediately and get as far away from there as fast as her legs would carry her. “Go now and don’t stop until you’re someplace where he and his aides can never find you. For Christ’s sake, Carly, you have to trust me. He’ll suck every last shred of life out of you. Now, there’s an emergency exit right behind you. I can distract him for a minute and you just have to—oh God, here he comes.” At press time, Cruz had abruptly pulled herself away from the hug, turned to wave at the audience, and began thanking them all for coming out.
Cruz Picks Fiorina As Potential VP #~# Ted Cruz announced Wednesday that if he is the Republican presidential nominee, he will run with former HP president Carly Fiorina as his vice president. What do you think?
Ted Cruz Names This Fuckin’ Lady—Remember Her?—As VP Pick #~# INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to regain momentum after a disappointing showing in Tuesday’s primaries, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz announced at a rally Wednesday that his choice for vice president would be this fuckin’ lady—remember her? “I’ve prayed about this decision for a long time, and I wholeheartedly believe that she is the right person to fight for the future of our country,” said Cruz of that woman from before, you know, the one who got fired from the computer company for doing a shitty job and sucked so bad at running for president that she quit after just two primaries. “She has proven herself to be an impressive business leader and defender of American values. I have complete confidence in [this goddamn woman again] as my running mate.” At press time, sources were speculating that Donald Trump would likely soon select that huge fucking asshole who’s always hanging around him as his running mate.
EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain #~# FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains. “We ask those in the city of Flint to immediately cease disposing of any water from their sinks or showers into their home’s drainpipes, as this liquid has been known to cause severe damage to sewer systems and the environment,” read the statement, which explained to citizens that local waste treatment facilities are not capable of purifying the corrosive liquid and that any tap water that went down their drains would eventually make its way into the region’s groundwater, where it would accumulate and cause lasting and irreversible harm to local plant and wildlife populations. “Please be advised that dumping the water out onto your yard or down a storm drain is equally hazardous, and we strongly advise against it. If you have any unwanted tap water, please carefully seal the liquid in a high-density polyethylene container and store it in a location hidden from small children and pets until it can be collected by a waste disposal professional.” The statement then reminded residents that should they happen to consume the fluid, toxicity testing kits were available free of charge to determine whether their urine is safe to flush down the toilet.
Cubs Fans Cautiously Optimistic After Jake Arrieta Throws 8th No-Hitter, Team Scores Over 30 Runs For 12th Consecutive Game #~# CHICAGO—Stressing that “it’s only April” and that “there’s a lot of baseball still to play,” Cubs fans throughout Chicago told reporters Thursday that they remain cautiously optimistic about their World Series chances after pitcher Jake Arrieta threw his eighth no-hitter of the season, with the team scoring over 30 runs for the 12th straight game. “The Cubs have started really well, and Kris Bryant already has 38 home runs on the year, but it won’t matter unless they can play like this in October,” said longtime fan Spencer Palmer, noting that while he is happy with their performances, he isn’t getting ahead of himself after the Cubs’ five-game sweep of the St. Louis Cardinals by a combined score of 168-0, which included seven different batters hitting for the cycle. “Arrieta’s thrown six perfect games in his last 10 starts, but if he gets hurt, we really just have Jon Lester, John Lackey, and Jason Hammel, and they’ve only thrown five no-hitters between them all season. If everyone can stay healthy and maintain their average of two triple plays per game, I think they’ll have a great shot in the playoffs. But we’ll see.” At press time, Palmer had reportedly lost all faith in the Cubs’ hopes for a championship after watching right fielder Jason Heyward strike out for the first time all season.
New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.
Dogs Distressed By Hugging #~# Psychology Today analyzed photos of people hugging their dogs and found that 82 percent of the dogs displayed signs of stress such as slicked-back ears, wide eyes, and a turned-out posture, whereas 10 percent had a neutral response and 8 percent appeared happy with the situation. What do you think?
ISIS Documents Reveal Financial Strain #~# Recently obtained internal documents reveal that ISIS militants currently face a 50 percent pay cut and that several were chastised for obtaining doctors’ notes to avoid frontline duty. What do you think?
Report: Only 893,000 News Stories To Go Until 2016 Election Over #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report published Wednesday by analysts at the Pew Research Center, there are only 893,000 news articles, feature stories, and opinion pieces to go until the 2016 presidential election is behind us. “Based on our projections, the end of this election cycle is just under 900,000 articles away, or barely 800,000 if you don’t include editorials from publications’ editorial boards,” said lead researcher Ken Dunham, who noted that citizens could expect 400,000 more articles from the campaign trail, 135,000 more analyses of poll results, 51,000 more debate recaps, 94,000 more side-by-side comparisons of candidates’ positions, and 88,000 more thinkpieces delving into a candidate’s behind-the-scenes personality, after which the election would be a thing of the past. “We determined that, as of right now, the average American simply has to make it through 3,400 more graphs showing various demographics’ voting preferences, read or hear the word ‘delegate’ approximately 1.7 million more times, and see roughly 168,000 additional photos of a candidate standing behind a lectern before the whole process is wrapped up. Then that’s it.” At press time, researchers had updated the report, noting that the predictions only took into account news stories that would be published during the remainder of the primaries.
Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters #~# OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats. “Our patented ThroatPURE in-body filtration system is the quickest, most convenient way to remove toxins and impurities from drinking water, wherever you are,” said Brita’s head of North American marketing, Kathy O’Doyle, explaining that each unit comes with a speculum-like esophageal dilation device to allow for easy installation and removal of cartridges, and noting that the new product takes just three minutes to purify a 10-ounce glass of water, which the consumer simply holds in their mouth during the filtration process. “The filter is good for up to 3,000 gallons or three months of use. But knowing when to replace it is easy; a bright red indicator light will be visible through your neck, letting you know it’s time for a new one.” O’Doyle confirmed that many users will at first notice some small chunks of charcoal on their tongues and in their teeth, but that this would cease following a few uses of the system.
Pope Francis: Happiness Cannot Be ‘Downloaded’ #~# At a teen celebration in Vatican City, Pope Francis implored youths not to be seduced by a material life fixated on the latest technology, explaining that happiness “is not an app you can download on your phones.” What do you think?
Officials Starting To Think School Just Not Nation’s Thing #~# WASHINGTON—After years of watching it struggle to perform academically in nearly every area of study, U.S. education officials told reporters Wednesday they have begun to think maybe school just isn’t the nation’s thing.
Experts Warn Climate Change Will Increase Incidences Of Stepping Into Puddle And Getting Whole Goddamn Foot Soaking Wet #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—According to alarming new findings released Tuesday by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the ongoing effects of climate change will soon vastly increase the number of incidences of people stepping into a puddle and getting their whole goddamn foot soaking wet. “In just the next 10 years, our models predict a 36 percent rise in stepping off a curb into a huge, stupid puddle you didn’t think would be that fucking deep,” said NOAA researcher Colin Durocher, adding that recent projections have shown the Eastern Seaboard could be worst affected by pant cuffs being dampened halfway up the goddamn ankle and it being way too late to go home and change. “Unless we take action now, we had better prepare for a future in which our entire dumb sock is sopping wet for the whole day and our shoe makes a disgusting squishing sound every time we take a fucking step.” Durocher warned that scientists also expect to see a similarly sharp increase in incidences of stupid, piece-of-shit umbrellas being blown inside out when you’re just trying to get to your damn car.
Man On Rolling Swivel Chair Pushes Away From Desk Like Blue Angel Breaking Formation #~# PHILADELPHIA—Thrusting backward on his chair’s casters while banking sharply to the left as if he were pulling hard on the control stick of an F/A-18C Hornet, local billing associate Erik Brison reportedly pushed away from his desk Tuesday like a Blue Angel breaking formation. Witnesses confirmed that after completing the initial high-speed maneuver, Brison continued on a straight heading, gliding swiftly across the office’s modular carpet tiles to reach for a padded mailing envelope like a member of the Angels’ demonstration squadron seamlessly transitioning into a low-altitude knife-edge pass. Mirroring the poise of his elite Navy and Marine counterparts who regularly endure upwards of nine G’s, the office worker is said to have maintained a calm, steady demeanor even as his body was subjected to the harsh forces of piloting his reclining swivel chair over an extension cord. At press time, sources reported that Brison had lost control of his craft and careened wildly into the office’s printer.
Study: Music Improves Babies’ Speech #~# A recent study found that babies who attended music lessons displayed more brain activity and language capability than those who didn’t, suggesting the rhythms of music can aid in the detection of speech patterns. What do you think?
Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency #~# Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon:
Follow Me If You Want To See The Real Knott’s Berry Farm #~# Hey, how you doing? Having a good time? Real fun here at Knott’s Berry Farm, isn’t it? All the great rides and attractions and everything? When you look around, it’s just like it says on the sign—“California’s Best Theme Park”—right? Well, I’m here to give you the real scoop, pal: The crap they’ve been feeding you in that little pamphlet you got at the ticket kiosk doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. Not even close. That’s the mass-market version for all the stupid sheep who don’t know any better. If you want to see the real Knott’s Berry Farm—I’m talking about the shit that’s not on any map—just play it cool and follow me.
‘First-Night Effect’ Explains Poor Sleep In New Places #~# Sleep experts have found that the reason for the “first-night effect”—the phenomenon of getting a poor night’s sleep in a new place—is that one hemisphere of the brain stays active and on guard against unknown predators. What do you think?
Beyoncé Quickly Releases New Song About How Buying Tidal Subscription Most Empowering Thing A Woman Can Do #~# NEW YORK—Following on the heels of the surprise release of her new album, Lemonade, over the weekend, Beyoncé unexpectedly debuted a brand-new song Monday about how purchasing a subscription to the streaming music service Tidal is the most empowering action a woman can take, sources confirmed. “Beyoncé’s latest track is a spirited feminist anthem that sharply strikes at the patriarchy beginning with the opening verse, ‘Ladies, don’t ever let your man tell you what to do,’ before offering potent validation to her predominantly female listeners by stating that ‘High-quality streaming audio was made for queens like you,’” wrote New Yorker music critic Carrie Battan in a review of the new track, titled “Rise (And Sign In),” which was accompanied by a lush music video depicting the 20-time Grammy winner sitting in the study of a mansion clad in a majestic, diamond-studded fur coat while entering her credit card information into an online form. “She continues with even more pointed lyrics in the chorus: ‘Boss-ass bitch going hard with that $9.99 plan; stunners going harder with the lossless $19.99, fam.’ It’s a true ode to female strength, and a stirring call to action to women to rise up together and assert their economic independence.” At press time, the song had already been posted on a torrent site, where millions had downloaded and circulated it free of charge.
Cruz, Kasich Align To Stop Trump #~# John Kasich and Ted Cruz have announced they will work together to facilitate each other’s victories in the remaining primaries so as to block GOP frontrunner Donald Trump from securing enough delegates for the nomination. What do you think?
How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump #~# In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
Coworker Wondering If Anyone Interested In Laying Bare Their Physical Shortcomings In Basketball League This Year #~# MILWAUKEE—Posing the question in a company-wide email Monday, Brandful Interactive marketing associate Peter Schulte reportedly inquired whether any of his colleagues were interested in laying bare their physical inadequacies in a recreational basketball league this year. “Spring’s finally here, which means it’s time to get back out on the court and expose our feebleness and lack of physical stamina for all to see. Who’s in?” read the message in part, which added that the invitation was open to any full- or part-time employee who’d like to showcase their limited ability to run, shortness of breath, and propensity to sweat profusely before they ultimately request to be substituted out less than five minutes into the game. “Our first matchup is next Friday, so if you have any interest in putting your flat-footedness and effectively nonexistent hand-eye coordination on full display to your closest work associates, let me know.” Schulte concluded the message by asking any willing participants to reply with their T-shirt size so he could order them a colorful uniform that would leave little about their weak, grotesque physiques to their coworkers’ imaginations.
Man Wearing Sunglasses Upside Down On Back Of Head Still Recovering From Paul Walker’s Death #~# OCALA, FL—Speaking somberly while staring off into the distance, local resident Mike Budd, a man who regularly wears tinted, wraparound Oakley sunglasses upside down on the back of his head, told reporters Monday that he is still recovering from the 2013 death of actor Paul Walker. “Paul—man—Paul was one of the greats,” said Budd, clad in a skintight black T-shirt and taking a solemn swig from his 24-ounce can of Amp Energy before adding, “Way too soon.” “Imagine if he was still here today? Damn. The next Fast [And The Furious] movie won’t be nearly as good without Paul in it. It sucks, man. It sucks.” Budd went on to say that while Walker’s death was tragic, “thank God it wasn’t Vin [Diesel].”
Study: Cities Have Unique ‘Bacterial Fingerprints’ #~# A study that swabbed office buildings in major cities found that the bacterial profile of the swabs corresponded to their location, suggesting that cities each have their own “bacterial fingerprint.” What do you think?
Nation Relieved Insufferable Little ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Don’t Have Book To Lord Over Them This Season #~#  WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were unable to convey the full extent of their gratitude that the plot of the hit HBO series had finally surpassed the events of the novels, citizens across the country expressed immense relief Sunday that all the insufferable little Game Of Thrones fans would no longer be able to lord the books over everyone else just trying to enjoy the show. “After five unbearable seasons of constantly hearing how ‘the books handled things much differently,’ it’s just so nice to know I won’t have to deal with any of that shit this time around,” said White Plains, NY resident Cathryn Wakeman, echoing the sentiments of millions of viewers who had become exasperated by the incessant comments from “all those little shits” about how the televised version of a battle strayed from the George R.R. Martin novels. “Every time there was a slight deviation, one of those fuckers would have to chime in with how someone from the show was actually a composite of ‘two way more interesting’ characters from the book or how the producers left out a passage critical to understanding Westeros or some shit like that. Thank God those assholes just have to sit there and wait to find out what happens next like the rest of us.” Although the nation was looking forward to watching the fantasy show unbothered by annoying remarks from fans of the books, Americans said they wouldn’t put it past the little pricks to butt in with fan theories they picked up online.
Nation Celebrates Earth Day #~# Today marks the 46th annual celebration of Earth Day, intended to raise awareness of green initiatives and encourage participation in environmental causes. How are you celebrating Earth Day?
Out-Of-Control Angel Kills Dozens Of Bystanders At Vatican Air Show #~# VATICAN CITY—After botching a high-speed aerial maneuver while flying at low altitude over St. Peter’s Square, an out-of-control angel reportedly slammed into the stands at this year’s Vatican Air Show, killing 38 spectators and injuring hundreds more Friday. “I could tell something was very wrong when he slowed down and pitched upward at the top of his loop-the-loop; angels just aren’t built to pull those kind of G’s,” said witness John Kelly, recalling how the divine messenger failed to counteract his aggressive starboard roll, rapidly corkscrewed downward, and struck the ground at full speed, pinwheeling into the crowd and leaving a grisly trail of destruction. “I think some people thought that his wing-over-wing tumbling was all part of the act, which is why they didn’t move out of the way. Unfortunately, by the time they realized he wasn’t just buzzing the crowd for a thrill, it was too late.” Citing an ongoing investigation, Vatican officials regretfully announced their decision to cancel the event’s signature cherub dogfight.
Monaco Residents Terrified To Walk Through Penthousing Projects #~# MONACO—Saying they avoided the inner-city-state at all costs unless they had no other choice, Monaco residents admitted to reporters Friday they were terrified to walk through the principality’s sprawling penthousing projects. “I just don’t feel safe there, with the string quartets blasting out of every open window at all hours and residents drinking Krug Private Cuvée right on their stoops,” said Monaco resident Christelle Guillaume, explaining how she felt uncomfortable walking past all the groups of young bon vivants playing high-stakes baccarat on the sidewalks in full view of passersby. “It gets really bad after dark when the art dealers come out and start selling on the street corners. I’d suggest avoiding the penthousing projects altogether and just taking a helicopter or hydrofoil if you need to get between Fontvieille and Monte Carlo.” When reached for comment, Monaco officials stated that while the area continues to struggle with white-collar crime, it has largely turned around since the principality launched an initiative to repair broken gas lamps and clean up local sculpture parks.
‘Game Of Thrones’ Fan Rewatching Past Episodes To Remind Self Of What Characters’ Breasts Look Like #~# FREMONT, CA—In an effort to refresh his memory ahead of the upcoming season of the popular fantasy series, local Game Of Thrones fan Bryan Parker reportedly rewatched past episodes of the show this week to remind himself of what all the characters’ breasts look like. “I remember most of the characters’ breasts, but there are just so many of them, and a lot of the time there’s a bunch on the screen at once, so I felt I really needed to brush up on them just to be safe,” said Parker, who explained that even after regularly watching the show for five seasons, he still often becomes confused trying to keep track of all the various nipples. “Sometimes I have a hard time following along with the storyline and I mistake Daenerys Targaryen’s breasts for Margaery Tyrell’s, since they’re so similar-looking. Honestly, I had to watch the nude scenes set in Littlefinger’s brothel a few times to remember which breasts were which.” Parker added that he was still upset the show killed off his favorite pair of breasts in season four.
Bible Will Not Become Tennessee’s State Book #~# A bill to classify the Bible as Tennessee’s state book was vetoed this week by Governor Bill Haslam on the grounds that it “trivialized the Bible to put it on the same level with the state bird and insect and so many other things we have.” What do you think?
How To Prepare For Competition #~# Watch the country’s best stand-ups battle for comedy supremacy – with the audience deciding the winner and loser – on COMEDY KNOCKOUT, Thursdays at 10:30/9:30C on truTV.
Queen Elizabeth Turns 90 #~# Queen Elizabeth II celebrates her 90th birthday today, a milestone the country marked by renaming certain municipalities after her and lighting torches to honor the years of her reign. What do you think?
Nation Too Sad To Fuck Even Though It’s What Prince Would Have Wanted #~# CHANHASSEN, MN—After hearing the shocking news of the iconic pop star’s unexpected death, the U.S. populace reported Thursday that it was simply too sad to fuck, even though they knew it was what Prince would have wanted. “If Prince is looking down on us right now, I know he’d want to see us all get down and fuck, but I’m still just so upset that he’s gone that I don’t think I could get in the mood,” said 37-year-old Arizona resident Carol Parnum, echoing the sentiment of tens of millions of Americans across the country, who acknowledged that, despite recognizing that nothing would have brought more joy to the seven-time Grammy-winning multi-instrumentalist than everyone getting freaky and fucking all night long, their emotions were still much too raw to do so. “Look, I understand that Prince wouldn’t want us to be moping around with our heads in our hands, crying about how he’s gone and never coming back—no, he would want us to fuck raw and to fuck nasty. But I…I just can’t. My heart just isn’t in it right now.” After much personal anguish, the teary-eyed nation reportedly took a deep breath and solemnly mustered the resolve to get naked and start fucking, saying it was simply the right thing to do.
Curt Schilling Quietly Relieved He No Longer Needs To Censor Self For 3 Hours Once A Week #~# BRISTOL, CT—Following his recent termination from ESPN as a result of his controversial comments regarding transgender rights, baseball commentator and former Major League pitcher Curt Schilling told reporters Thursday he is quietly relieved he will no longer need to censor himself for three hours each week on Monday Night Baseball. “While I’m disappointed with ESPN’s decision, it’s actually pretty nice to know I won’t have to hold back any of my opinions on social or political issues for the entire duration of a baseball game four times a month,” said Schilling, describing the immense difficulty he faced sitting through a whole nine-inning game without sharing his extensive beliefs regarding the death of the traditional American family unit or the moral failings of women who choose to have an abortion. “Most nights, it was absolutely killing me that I couldn’t just start ripping on all the inner-city hoodlums who we, the taxpayers, have been coddling. Sure, there were the commercial breaks where I could finally relax and tell [play-by-play announcer Dave] Flemming that I thought all the illegals coming into America were making this country unrecognizable from the one of my youth, but for the most part, I was just dying out there holding my tongue. Don’t even get me started on what it was like if the game went to extra innings.” When asked about his future career plans, Schilling reportedly entered into a 25-minute-long rant arguing that gun violence could be prevented by sterilizing the mentally ill.
Who Is Queen Elizabeth II? #~# Here’s what you need to know about Britain’s longest-reigning monarch, who celebrates her 90th birthday today.
Public Assured Escaped Convict Has 24 Years Of Rehabilitation Under His Belt #~# CREST HILL, IL—While alerting the public Thursday that inmate Leonard Sawyer had escaped from the facility during the night and was currently at large, officials from Stateville Correctional Center sought to assuage local residents’ concerns by emphasizing that the convict has 24 years of rehabilitation under his belt. “Sawyer’s whereabouts are unknown at this time, but the public can rest assured that this is a man whose lengthy incarceration gave him ample time to reform his violent tendencies and remake himself into a productive member of society,” said Stateville spokesman Richard Mulberry, noting that Sawyer, who was convicted of double homicide and who physically overpowered two guards in his escape, has had every day since 1992 to reflect on his past decisions and commit to turning his life around. “While we dispatch teams to scour the area and set up roadblocks within a 20-mile perimeter, we want to make it clear to those living in the area that Sawyer held down a laundry room job for over a decade in the maximum-security cell block, providing him with the discipline and responsibility necessary to develop a more constructive outlook and approach to life. And on top of all that, he spent the last four years in solitary confinement, an environment free of distractions in which he could truly focus on his personal rehabilitation.” At press time, the “completely changed man” was holed up with two hostages in a gas station and letting state troopers know his demands.
Guy At Gym Has Precious Little Diary To Keep Track Of All His Exercises #~# NEW BERLIN, WI—Making sure to date the page before recording all the juiciest and most private details from his daily exercise routine, local gym-goer Phillip Keller reportedly took out his precious little diary Thursday in order to keep track of his workout. “I like to jot down everything I do so I can track my progress,” said the 27-year-old, who reportedly carries his adorable leather-bound journal with him wherever he goes inside Belmont Fitness Center, using the blank page as a sanctuary in which to freely pour his heart out over the number of sets and reps he performs during each exercise. “It’s a great way to stay motivated, and it also helps me vary up my training so I’m not just doing the same stuff every week.” After finishing his workout and showering, Keller reportedly sat in the locker room and excitedly ventured into his diary once more, taking a quiet moment to express his innermost hopes and dreams about reaching new fitness goals by the end of the month.
Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery #~# CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday. “Look at this stupid fucking thing,” said 15-year-old Brandon Callahan, mercilessly disparaging the statue by pretending to give it a handjob as four of his friends looked on and laughed, but perturbing the figure’s firm, unwavering resolve not a whit. “Who even put this ugly-ass thing out here? No one would ever want to sit down next to this dumb piece of shit. Fucking stupid corporate bullshit.” Having remained steadfast and assured throughout the approximately six-minute onslaught of teenage derision, the fast-food mascot is said to have further displayed its controlled temperament and unyielding grace several hours later when it cradled a homeless man’s head in its lap as he vomited, never once losing its expression of wholesome good cheer.
Utah Deems Pornography A Public Health Crisis #~# Utah Governor Gary Herbert signed a resolution on Tuesday officially categorizing pornography as a public health hazard that carries risks for adolescents. What do you think?
New Yorkers Cower As Clinton Victory Speech Reverberates Across Entire State #~# ALBANY, NY—Covering their ears as the thunderous sound violently shook buildings and shattered glass windows, New York residents reportedly cowered in shock and fear Tuesday night as Hillary Clinton’s primary election victory speech reverberated across the entire state. “Thank you all so much—today, you proved once again there’s no place like home,” said the Democratic presidential candidate, as her deafening address, which seemed to come from all sides at once, boomed across the landscape, setting off car alarms and forcing drivers to pull over to the side of the road in all 62 New York counties. “The race for the nomination is in the home stretch, and victory is in sight. You have carried us every step of the way with passion and determination. I am grateful to every one of you.” At press time, sources in the upcoming primary states of Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Rhode Island, and Pennsylvania reported witnessing ripples in their water glasses as the opening line of Clinton’s stump speech swelled in the distance.
Cold Lab Mice Skewing Scientific Studies #~# A new research paper reveals that laboratory mice are being kept in conditions that are far too cold, nearly 10 degrees below their preferred temperature, altering their metabolism and skewing the results of scientific research. What do you think?
It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa #~# ‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff
A Timeline Of Marijuana Legalization #~# With Pennsylvania becoming the 24th state to legalize medical marijuana, many lawmakers are weighing whether to decriminalize the drug. Here is a timeline of marijuana’s journey from restricted substance to everyday commodity:
Students Watch In Sympathy As Teacher’s Humongous Ass Erases Part Of Whiteboard #~# WHEELING, WV—Sources at Kiskey High School confirmed that Mrs. Landrum’s seventh-period English class looked on in sympathy Wednesday as the teacher turned to face her students and inadvertently erased part of the whiteboard with her gigantic ass. “Boy, that was hard to watch,” sophomore Anthony Diaz reportedly said to himself, echoing the thoughts of several classmates who visibly winced and then frowned in pity upon realizing Landrum had no idea the ungainly motion of her colossal backside had just obliterated the names of several Victorian poets. “When she turns back around and sees what’s happened—that’s going to be rough. I can’t even joke about this. I feel too bad for her.” At press time, sources said the students had all independently resolved not to let on that they had noticed anything.
Man Ashamed Of Himself After Cashier Reads Food Order Back To Him #~# ORANGE, CA—Checking over his shoulder to make sure no one else was within earshot, area man Derek Jordan reportedly felt deeply ashamed of himself Wednesday after a cashier at a local fast-food restaurant read his order back to him. “Yeah, yeah, okay—you got it,” said a mortified Jordan, cringing and staring downward at the counter as the cashier continued to list off each of his items one by one, several of which she made a point to note he had ordered with extra cheese. “Yup, uh-huh, that’s everything. Jesus.” Sources reported that Jordan was then too humiliated to look the cashier in the eye when she handed him his order several moments later, immediately retreating to the most isolated booth in the restaurant, furthest from any other patrons or windows.
Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels #~# LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels. “When we considered the best place to exchange the latest information and warehouse-guarding strategies, we all immediately thought of the spot by the large red barrels, the ones with the large flame symbols on them to indicate flammability,” said one of the identically dressed guards, citing the barrels’ convenient central location, which each of the henchmen happened to walk past at one point or another during their regimented back-and-forth patrols. “The plan is to sync up, gather together near the barrels, and then remain there for approximately eight seconds to share input, feedback, and ideas before resuming our guard duty. If all goes well, we’d likely consider returning to the same spot for quick check-in meetings every minute or so.” Another henchman, the lone one without a shirt, added that the group planned to go forward with their scheduled meetup regardless of whether or not they heard any loud sounds.
China Bans Child Stars From Reality TV #~# China’s State Administration of Press, Publication, Radio, Film and Television has banned children of celebrities from appearing in reality TV shows, a restriction intended to “let them enjoy the childhood that they are entitled to.” What do you think?
How You Can Protect Yourself Against The Zika Virus #~# The dangerous mosquito-borne Zika virus is on the rise in several countries. The Onion offers tips for protecting yourself from this growing threat.
Treasury To Keep Hamilton, Remove Jackson From Currency #~# Treasury Secretary Jack Lew said his office is now considering removing Andrew Jackson from the $20 bill in favor of a woman, rather than replacing Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill as previously stated, a decision that could be related to the success of the smash-hit musical Hamilton. What do you think?
Ted Cruz Asks Central Park Hansom Cab Driver How Much It Costs To Whip Horse For An Hour #~# NEW YORK—Saying the activity seemed like the perfect way to spend some free time while he was visiting Manhattan, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly asked a hansom cab driver in Central Park Tuesday how much it would cost to whip his horse for one hour. “Excuse me, sir, beauty of a horse you’ve got. How much are you charging to flog it for an hour or so?” said the Texas senator, who quickly clarified that he did not want to go anywhere or even sit in the carriage, but would instead prefer to beat the horse with a riding crop at his leisure for a period of 60 minutes. “Ever since I was little, I’ve dreamed about thrashing a hansom cab horse in Central Park. I can’t wait to give it a couple good whacks on the face. I’m trying to really experience all New York has to offer while I’m here.” After he was turned down by the driver, Cruz reportedly told onlookers he would instead head down to the Central Park pond to feed on the ducks.
Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent #~# OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting. “Oh God, I never should have corrected [department manager] Bill [Tomlinson]’s mistake on the Q2 figures—what was I thinking?” Manning reportedly said to herself, wincing as she remembered looking directly at one of her male coworkers and confidently stating her suggestion for generating more customer leads. “And I just listed off the status of our accounts with our major clients without hesitating or second-guessing myself even once. Jeez, I think they might have been able to tell that I had a thorough handle on all parts of my job. What a disaster. I hope no one felt uncomfortable.” Manning was reportedly able to console herself later upon recalling how no one had been paying any attention at all each time she spoke.
Charles Barkley Insists Today’s Fans Couldn’t Win Contests During Tougher ’90s-Era NBA Halftimes #~# ATLANTA—Stressing that most of the competitions over the past several seasons have been “boring” and “totally unwatchable,” Hall of Famer and Inside The NBA analyst Charles Barkley insisted Monday night that modern basketball fans wouldn’t stand a chance of winning during the far tougher halftime contests of the 1990s. “I’m sorry, but these halftimes nowadays don’t even compare—back then it was so much faster and more demanding, not this nonsense where you get a whole minute of unlimited tries to sink a half-court shot,” said Barkley, adding that “anybody who knows anything about halftime” is aware that the numerous rule changes over the past two decades have completely changed the promotional fan contests. “Back in the ’90s, guys couldn’t just get to the free-throw line and sink 10 shots in a row to win free floor-side seats for next season. If you wanted to win, you’d have to shoot the ball backwards over your head with a blindfold on, or you’d have to hit a layup, free throw, three-pointer, and half-court shot. C’mon now, can you imagine how many new cars one of the contestants from ’95 or ’96 would win now? They’d absolutely kill these wimps.” Despite his criticisms, Barkley admittedly conceded that today’s NBA fans are by far much larger compared to 20 years ago.
Clinton Takes Campaign Staff To Little Hole-In-The-Wall Financial Institution Not Many People Know About #~# NEW YORK—Explaining how she was originally shown the small, out-of-the-way establishment years ago by a well-connected friend, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly took her campaign staff to a little hole-in-the-wall financial institution in lower Manhattan Tuesday that she said not many people know about. “Everyone knows JPMorgan Chase and Goldman Sachs—and for good reason; those places are great—but wait till you see what this place is like,” said Clinton, telling her campaign team that she visits the modestly sized, boutique financial services firm every time she’s in New York. “Best service in the entire city, believe me. I’ve actually gotten to know the guy who owns it pretty well. Just you watch; he always hooks me up whenever I stop by.” At press time, a smiling Clinton was being greeted with loud salutations and warm embraces from the firm’s longtime employees upon walking through the front door.
Man Happy To Set Up Job Interview For Fraternity Brother He Once Forced To Drink Own Piss #~# NEW YORK—Meeting up for drinks Monday after receiving a LinkedIn message from his former Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity brother, local marketing associate Danny Baylis reportedly said he would be happy to set up a job interview for Brian DiOrio, whom he once forced to chug a Solo cup full of his own urine. “This is actually good timing—we’ve got a position on the marketing team opening up this summer,” said Baylis, offering to “put in a good word” for the man he’d made stand in a stress position while reciting the names and graduation years of prominent DKE alumni with a Tabasco-soaked tampon jammed into his mouth. “Let’s definitely shoot to schedule something within the next few weeks.” DiOrio, who as a pledge also went by the name “Trifaggotops” and whose fraternity membership was contingent upon him inserting a pool cue into his anus on command, reportedly thanked Baylis and said he looked forward to coming in.
Bed Bugs Getting Stronger, More Resilient #~# New research has confirmed that bed bugs are becoming increasingly resistant to bug sprays and other insecticides, developing a thicker exoskeleton to protect against extermination. What do you think?
Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising #~# LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
Clinton Reminds New Yorkers She Moved There Hoping Career Dreams Would Work Out Too #~# NEW YORK—Emphasizing that she once faced the same challenges and anxieties as so many of the city’s residents, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reminded voters at a campaign rally Monday that she too moved to New York hoping to make her career dreams come true, sources reported. “I can still remember how nervous I was when I first got here in 1999, not sure how I’d adjust to the big city or if I’d ever fit in,” said Clinton, adding that, just as with so many others drawn to the glamour or favorable demographics of the Empire State, life in New York was almost totally unfamiliar to her when she arrived seeking the next step in her career. “I know what it’s like to hear that nagging little voice in the back of your head telling you that you don’t belong here. And I remember how scary it was to take such a big leap, afraid that the job I really wanted wouldn’t work out. But I also knew that this was the best place to be for what I wanted to do next.” Clinton added that although she still treasured her time in New York, she eventually came to recognize, like so many other out-of-state transplants, that her true home would always be back in the White House.
Man Removed From Flight For Speaking Arabic #~# A 26-year-old man was removed from his Southwest flight after speaking on the phone in Arabic about having dinner with Ban Ki-moon, a conversation that a fellow passenger reported to the authorities. What do you think?
Report: None Of The 31 Americans Qualified To Be President Running This Year #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by political scientists at Georgetown University, not one of the 31 American citizens who actually possess the wisdom, integrity, poise under pressure, and sound judgment to be president of the United States is running in the 2016 election. “Of the less than three dozen currently-living Americans who have a hopeful and coherent vision for this country, as well as the leadership ability to see such a vision through to realization, not a single one is on the ballot in any state,” said political science professor Olivia Lin, noting that among the list of Americans capable of serving competently as commander-in-chief—which includes a U.S. Marines veteran, three emergency room nurses, and a Kia dealership manager in central Ohio—most had not even momentarily entertained the notion of running for president. “This November, American voters will simply not have the option of casting their ballots for anyone with the skill set and maturity necessary to be leader of the free world. That is, unless a contested Republican convention somehow ends up nominating 84-year-old former accountant Mildred Sherman of Hattiesburg, MS, or one of the 30 other qualified individuals in the nation.” The report noted, however, that five of the estimated 280,000 Americans who are selfish and deluded enough to believe they would serve admirably as president were currently running for the office.
Japan Developing ‘Invisible Train’ #~# Japan has commissioned architect Kazuyo Sejima to design an “invisible” commuter train, set to debut in 2018, that uses semi-reflective and semi-transparent materials to blend into its surroundings. What do you think?
New Study Finds Humans Experience Greatest Feelings Of Joy When Pushing ‘Skip Ad’ Button #~# DURHAM, NC—According to a study published Monday by researchers at Duke University’s Center for Cognitive Neuroscience, humans experience the most intense feelings of happiness when pressing the “skip ad” button before watching a video on the internet. “After measuring test subjects’ endorphin and serotonin levels during a variety of pleasurable activities, we found that the largest spikes in joy were recorded when participants stopped an online advertisement and initiated the video they actually wanted to watch,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Paul Alleslev, who noted that feelings of bliss began rising as the timer indicating how soon the button would appear counted down toward zero. “Also, using fMRI scans, we noticed that once the ‘skip ad’ box became visible, the pleasure centers of the brain lit up with a flurry of activity, as did the motor cortex, prompting subjects to click the button with extraordinary speed as soon as it appeared onscreen.” Alleslev added, however, that humans appeared to experience the most acute feelings of rage after they’d watched enough videos that the “skip ad” option was no longer available.
Obama Reminds Nation That He’s Taking Personal Day Next Friday #~# WASHINGTON—After outlining the key issues he intends to address during upcoming talks with Saudi leaders, President Barack Obama took a moment during a press conference Monday to remind the nation that he would be taking a personal day next Friday. “I’ll be out the whole day and I’m going to have limited access to phone and email, so if you’re trying to get in touch with me, don’t expect a response until the following Monday at the earliest,” said Obama, instructing all 320 million Americans to take any questions that may come up to Tom Vilsack, the U.S. Secretary of Agriculture, whom the president had reportedly tapped to run the morning cabinet meeting in his absence. “If it’s really urgent, you can get in touch with my secretary, Ferial, and she can reach me on my personal number—but just try to use some common sense about what’s an actual emergency and what can wait.” The president then informed the nation he would be taking two weeks off in May, noting that he had maxed out his vacation days and had to use them quickly or begin forfeiting them.
How To Handle Parenting Disagreements With Your Partner #~# Brought to you by Catastrophe
Surgery Live-Streamed For VR Headsets #~# A surgery to remove cancerous tissue from a British patient was live-streamed in 360-degree video globally accessible on virtual reality headsets, a potential breakthrough for the training of surgeons worldwide. What do you think?
Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence #~# WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed. “At approximately 11:05 a.m., we were alerted that the president was climbing the barrier along Pennsylvania Avenue, at which time our agents moved quickly to apprehend him and ensure he made it no further,” said Secret Service director Joseph Clancy, who later stated the agency would look into raising the height of the fence given the increased frequency of such incidents. “He was a little shaken up after agents wrestled him to the ground, but he should be fine. Despite all of his kicking and incoherent screaming, which clearly indicated his severe level of mental distress, we were able to cuff him and haul him off to the Oval Office in a prompt and efficient manner.” Clancy added that, while the Secret Service does everything in its power to use nonlethal force, should a determined Obama ever make it over the fence and start charging directly away from the White House, they’d likely have no choice but to open fire.
FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.
Man Humiliated By Wi-Fi’s Poor Behavior In Front Of Guests #~# ANACORTES, WA—Apologizing profusely throughout a gathering he was hosting at his home, local man Sam Kenrick was reportedly humiliated by his Wi-Fi’s poor behavior in front of several guests Thursday evening. “Oh God, I’m so sorry; it never usually acts like this,” said an embarrassed Kenrick, who tried unsuccessfully to get the system to respond to him before letting out an exasperated sigh when it began to repeatedly bother one of his guests. “I really don’t know what’s gotten into it. It was being so good right before you got here, I swear. It’s probably because there are so many people. That must be it.” Kenrick’s guests reportedly looked on uncomfortably several moments later as their host verbally berated the misbehaving router before giving it a little slap.
Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster #~# GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked. “Wow, she’s got Joyce from work, Cheri, Dana from yoga, Carol, Carol’s new husband—that’s all of the A-listers, together under one roof,” said Dreeshen’s daughter Michelle, wondering aloud how her mother managed to nail down such a jam-packed murderers’ row of neighborhood all-stars. “Jesus, she even managed to pull Dr. Fuller and the Jacobsons. Top to bottom, it’s just loaded. There’s not a single weak spot in the entire guest list.” Sources reported that such an imposing, big-name lineup would “absolutely crush” the likely dinner party topics of the Wannemakers’ new deck and Carol’s upcoming trip to Italy with her son’s choral group.
Universe Feels Zero Connection To Guy Tripping On Mushrooms #~# EUGENE, OR—Noting that it had yet to experience any sort of oneness with the 22-year-old, the universe confirmed Friday that it felt absolutely zero connection to a local man currently tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms. “As far as I can tell, all the boundaries between myself and this guy remain completely intact, so I certainly wouldn’t say that he and I have become one with each other at all,” said the collection of all space and matter, which added that, if anything, it was feeling further removed from the man after he ate two grams of psilocybin mushrooms and spent the ensuing three hours just sitting on his basement couch, during which time he effectively did nothing to interact with the world or universe more broadly. “Frankly, I feel like he and I are as separate and unconnected as we’ve always been. Sure, he seems like a decent person, but have we at some level blended together into a single cosmic entity, flowing through each other and commingling our energies? Definitely not.” At press time, the guy’s mind also confirmed that it was in no way expanding whatsoever.
Tiger Population Increases For First Time In 100 Years #~# The global wild tiger census has reached 3,890, the first increase in population in over 100 years and significantly higher than the last survey’s all-time low in 2010. What do you think?
Bernie Sanders Asks Anyone Who’s Serious About Breaking Up Big Banks To Meet Him On Corner Of Canal And Bowery At Midnight #~# NEW YORK—Inviting all those truly committed to economic equality, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced during Thursday night’s Democratic debate that anyone who’s serious about breaking up big banks should meet him on the corner of Canal and Bowery at midnight. “Show up at the base of the Manhattan Bridge at exactly midnight tonight if you really want to break apart the financial institutions and hold Wall Street banks accountable,” said the Vermont senator, adding that everyday Americans can help prevent financial firms from endangering the economic and political process in the U.S. by arriving dressed in dark clothing and taking every precaution to ensure they are not being followed. “Bring a flashlight and come alone. When the clock strikes 12, we bring economic justice to the American people.” At press time, Hillary Clinton had interrupted Sanders to announce that she would be there.
Hillary Clinton Clearly Tailoring Debate Answers To Unclaimed New York Superdelegate #~# NEW YORK—Repeatedly emphasizing how her proposed policies would benefit middle-aged fathers of three who work in the public sector, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appeared to be tailoring each of her answers during Thursday night’s primary debate to a single unclaimed New York superdelegate, sources reported. “As your next president, I promise to make America work for all of us—not just the billionaires, but also middle-class families working to pay off a 30-year mortgage on a postwar duplex in Queens,” said Clinton, adding that, now more than ever, the federal government needed to reduce the burden of student debt on those who had just taken their firstborn daughter on a tour of several colleges upstate. “In addition to reinvesting in our country’s infrastructure—including that section of the Lexington Avenue line that gets so congested on the way to work every morning—I vow to strengthen Medicare and Social Security, providing a lifeline for families caring for an elderly, mobility-impaired aunt who lives in Hoboken. We also need to do more to help small businesses for every American who’s ever toyed with the idea of quitting their day job and opening up an East Village gastropub.” At press time, Clinton was reportedly urging New Yorkers to vote for her next Tuesday after dropping their youngest off at the Henry Gradstein elementary school.
Octopus Escapes New Zealand Aquarium #~# Inky the Octopus is believed to have escaped the national aquarium of New Zealand by opening the lid of his tank, slithering across the floor, then squeezing through a 5-inch-wide drainage pipe and out to sea. What do you think?
Passersby Stop To Stare At Man Leading Sad Life Through Open Apartment Window #~# CINCINNATI—Saying they could not stop staring despite the highly private nature of the scene that was unfolding, numerous passersby reportedly paused dead in their tracks Wednesday night upon catching sight of a man leading an incredibly sad life who was clearly visible through his unobstructed apartment window.
World’s Marine Life On Edge Now That SeaWorld Moving On From Orcas #~# PACIFIC OCEAN—Following the theme park’s pledge to phase out exhibits featuring the whale species and discontinue breeding them in captivity altogether, the world’s marine life told sources Thursday they were completely on edge now that SeaWorld is moving on from orcas. “At first, I was happy to hear the news about the orcas, but then it dawned on me that SeaWorld would probably try to find a replacement and I just started to freak out,” said an anxious and visibly trembling black marlin, who explained how a feeling of tense unease had spread among the manatees, sharks, octopuses, and other larger species of the ocean ecosystem that any one of them might be rounded up at any moment, transported to a small, featureless tank, and forced to perform a choreographed series of tricks up to a dozen times a day for crowds of onlookers. “The other whales are worried sick, obviously, and the porpoises are trying to stay below the surface as long as possible so as not to be seen. And I’ve never seen the harp seals this unhinged; they know how cute they are, so they’re absolutely convinced they’re next. God, this is terrifying. No one feels safe down here right now.” Sources later confirmed that the planet’s entire population of narwhals, fearing the worst, had already committed mass suicide by choking themselves on trash.
How To Talk To Your Teen About Depression #~# Nearly one in five teens experiences depression, but parents can find it difficult to broach the subject. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your teen about depression:
Zip Code Could Point To Life Expectancy #~# A recent study investigated income and mortality rates and found a nearly 15-year difference in life expectancy between the wealthiest and poorest Americans, with the longevity of those in poverty strongly correlated to what zip code they lived in. What do you think?
Hotel Lobby Treated To Entirety Of Child’s Song Catalogue During Check-In Process #~# FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—According to guests lined up at the front desk and seated at the nearby hotel bar, the entire Marriott Courtyard lobby was treated to every song in 4-year-old Emma Freeland’s catalogue Wednesday while her parents checked into their room. “I thought she might just sing us ‘The Itsy-Bitsy Spider,’ but no—she segued right into ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,’ and then launched into an energetic choreographed rendition of ‘I’m A Little Teapot,’” said business traveler Sean Erskine, explaining how the complimentary show then continued with an extended four-minute rendition of “The Wheels On The Bus” as Freeland’s parents negotiated for an oceanfront room with a pull-out bed. “I figured the half-sung, half-hummed version of ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’ was the grand finale, but after a brief intermission to hide between her mother’s legs, she came back with an encore performance of ‘I’m A Little Teapot’ and a spirited all-chorus version of ‘Old MacDonald Had A Farm.’ You’ve got to hand it to her—she completely emptied her songbook for us.” After her parents received their room keys, Freeland reportedly bid her audience goodbye before holding a shorter, more intimate after-show performance for those riding the elevator up to the 23rd floor.
Lakers Players Curious What It Must Be Like To Be Inspired By Kobe Bryant #~# LOS ANGELES—Amid a massive outpouring of acclaim from fans, fellow athletes, and media members ahead of his retirement, players on the Los Angeles Lakers admitted to reporters Thursday that they are kind of curious what it must be like to be inspired by Kobe Bryant. “I keep hearing all these players on other teams and athletes from other sports talk about how much they were motivated by Kobe’s work ethic and competitive drive, so I can’t help but wonder what that would feel like,” said Lakers power forward Brandon Bass, adding that he has trouble even imagining Bryant as someone who he looks up to and tries to replicate. “I mean, Kobe is clearly helping people push themselves to be better and strive to achieve great things—it’s just kind of hard to wrap my head around that one.” Many Lakers players noted, however, that they “totally understand” the deluge of hatred aimed at Bryant from opposing fans throughout his 20-year career.
Man Ready To Believe Any Statistic About How Good Warriors Were This Season #~# HAMPTON, VA—Explaining that the team’s regular-season dominance made him unlikely to question any accomplishment attributed to them, local 29-year-old Jared Dwyer told reporters Thursday that he is ready to believe absolutely any statistic about how good the Golden State Warriors were this year. “At this point, you could tell me that the Warriors shot over 70 percent from three as a team, or that they outscored opponents in the second half by an average of 40 points, and I’d just take it at face value,” said Dwyer, who added that he would not question any unprecedented or otherwise seemingly impossible offensive statistics about the Warriors that he sees on an ESPN graphic or reads on a random Twitter account. “I honestly wouldn’t bat an eye at a stat that said Steph Curry hasn’t missed a three from inside 25 feet since November, or that Draymond Green out-rebounded the entire other team combined in a majority of games this season. Hell, it wouldn’t surprise me if I heard the Warriors have the highest-ever number of points per game against teams with a winning record. All of that’s probably true, for all I know.” Dwyer added that he is equally prepared to believe absolutely any story about how dysfunctional the Los Angeles Lakers have been this year.
‘Textalyzer’ To Measure Distracted Driving #~# New York police could soon be equipped with “Textalyzers,” devices that scan drivers’ phones to detect whether they were texting, and thus driving with distraction, in the moments leading up to an auto accident. What do you think?
Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office #~# CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported. “He brought his family through in the middle of the afternoon, and, right in front of everyone, he said, ‘This is the desk where I work,’” communications manager Laura Dao said of the cavalier 15-hour-a-week employee who started two months ago and is sent home early most days due to a lack of tasks to complete. “And then, once he’d walked his parents around the entire floor, he went up to [senior director] Mary [Fullman] and introduced his parents to her directly. I think he even called her ‘a good boss.’” Sources later confirmed seeing the teenager who earns a $350 monthly stipend taking his parents into the kitchen, where he offered them their choice of coffee or tea.
ExxonMobil CEO Relieved It Finally Too Late To Do Anything About Climate Change #~# ‘We Really Dodged A Bullet There,’ Says Executive
Tips For Growing Your Own Vegetable Garden #~# Brought to you by Nature's Care
No One In Family Sure Who Trip To Arboretum Is Geared Toward #~# SUMMIT, NJ—Filing uncertainly into the main hallway of the property’s welcome center, each member of the Robertson family privately admitted to reporters Saturday that they had no idea which of them their weekend trip to the arboretum was geared toward. “I’ve never had any real desire to visit this place, and I can’t imagine Dad wants to spend a whole Saturday looking at trees instead of spending his outdoors time in front of the grill—maybe Jacob needs to research some kind of school project?” said the family’s 15-year-old daughter Caroline Robertson, who like her mother, father, and brother spent the 40-minute car ride quietly wondering what, if anything, they were supposed to be gleaning from their Nature-Plus Family Day Pass that guaranteed access to all of the arboretum’s featured collections as well as the educational tram tour. “I guess it could just be Mom’s idea for spending time together as a family, but it was a pretty long drive just for that. Or maybe she just wants us to get some fresh air? Or some exercise? I don’t see how we couldn’t have just done that at home in the backyard. Huh.” At press time, sources confirmed the Robertson family could be seen wandering around the West Herb Garden, each one mystified by how to tell when the outing was supposed to be over.
Nate Silver Blinded By Gods For Seeking Forbidden Knowledge Of Future #~# NEW YORK—Enraged by his public pronouncements regarding that which is yet to be, the almighty gods on high are said to have blinded political statistician Nate Silver this week as punishment for seeking forbidden knowledge of the future. “Any mere mortal who dares trespass into the realm of the Fates by making grand prophecies or electoral projections shall suffer swift and holy wrath,” said Sophioxis, a representative for the all-knowing deities, who added that Silver’s blinding should serve as a warning to all who might venture to aggregate various polling data, weight it by historical accuracy and methodological rigor, and seek visions into the veiled worlds beyond the present over which the gods hold sole dominion. “He who thinks he can see what the gods have yet to reveal must have his eyesight removed forevermore so that he may never again look upon anything. For no man and no endorsement-enhanced statistical model is greater than a god.” Sophioxis added that should Silver defy the gods again by attempting to divine the outcome ahead of the general election, the statistician would be cast into exile and forced to carry the weight of all 538 members of the electoral college on his back for the rest of eternity.
Smokers Face Tougher Job Search #~# A survey of San Francisco job applicants found that unemployed people who smoke have more difficulty getting hired and that employed smokers earn an average of $5 less per hour than their nonsmoking counterparts. What do you think?
‘Dog Whisperer’ Cleared Of Animal Cruelty Charges #~# Cesar Milan of the popular show Dog Whisperer has been cleared of animal cruelty charges after a recent episode featured an agitated French bulldog biting a pig on the ear and drawing blood, an incident that investigators have concluded was handled with the proper veterinary care. What do you think?
The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws #~# Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.
Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday. Witnesses told reporters that the brilliantly blue sky and mid-70s temperatures were, within a matter of moments, blotted out of Unger’s mind by persistent anxieties about the various decaying relationships in his life, the abandoned ambitions that led him to an excruciating low-level career, and dozens upon dozens of other personal shortcomings, completely neutralizing any positive psychological impact from the feeling of sunlight on his skin and the sight of thousands of leaves re-emerging from long-dormant tree branches. Unger, who was seen enjoying the fresh air and the lively calls of songbirds for approximately three seconds before the experience buckled under the weight of the sadness that had accumulated over his entire adolescent and adult life, reportedly failed to derive even the slightest trace of pleasure from the scent of freshly cut grass wafting through the air or the gentle breeze blowing across his face as he went about his day. At press time, Unger was said to be looking at a newly verdant park in a spectacular state of bloom, but only seeing an endlessly looping mental replay of himself making an embarrassing comment at a department meeting last week.
Nothing Doing Down Louisiana Way, Fly-Swattin’ Sources Report #~# THE BAYOU—Noting that just ’bout everybody was shut up indoors on account of the weather been sump’n awful, fly-swattin’ local sources done confirmed Tuesday dat nothing doing down Louisiana way. “There ain’t nothing fixin’ to go ova by here but the breeze,” said one down-home source, Jane Boudreaux, who told reporters her parish was moving near ’bout as fast as a crawfish in molasses these days. “Anyways, from here to down da road it’s just skeetas buzzin’ ’round and folks trying to pass a good time.” At press time, yawning sources had reportedly turned ’round to go set down on da porch for a spell.
Pope Francis Worried About Job Security After Butting Heads With New God #~# VATICAN CITY—Expressing his frustration with ongoing tensions at work, Pope Francis admitted Tuesday that he had started worrying about his job security after repeatedly butting heads with the new God. “At first, I thought it was going to be a fairly smooth transition, but it turns out He and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things,” said the pope, adding that the difficult new omnipotent deity had been “riding [his] ass nonstop” on everything from the divine revelation to the liturgical calendar. “I got along great with the old God, but this one gets wrathful over practically nothing. Frankly, He’s kind of a dick. He’s tried to put His own stamp on the church by demanding big changes right off the bat. And guess who gets to communicate that to the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics? Me.” The pope added that while he was doing his best to get along with the new God, he had recently sent out his résumé to several other prominent faiths.
Social Media Etiquette For New Parents #~# Brought to you by Catastrophe
Springsteen Cancels NC Concert To Protest Anti-LGBT Law #~# Bruce Springsteen canceled his tour date in North Carolina last night to protest the passage of the Public Facilities Privacy and Security Act, a law that restricts transgender citizens’ access to public restrooms. What do you think?
How The Candidates Are Luring Delegates #~# Here’s how the presidential candidates are ramping up efforts to win over the crucial remaining unpledged party delegates.
Jordan Spieth’s Family To Wait A Few Days Before Asking Him What The Fuck Happened #~# DALLAS—Following the pro golfer’s historic collapse during the final holes of the Masters Tournament, Jordan Spieth’s family members confirmed Monday that they will probably wait a few days before asking him what the fuck happened. “It’s been a rough 24 hours for Jordan, so we’ll give him his space for a while before bringing up how badly he just shit the bed,” said Spieth’s mother, Christine, suggesting that the family’s Friday night dinner might be the most appropriate time to finally ask the 22-year-old how he managed such a mind-boggling choke job. “We’ll just have to dance around the fact that he really screwed the pooch for the next few days. There will be plenty of time to ask him what the hell he was doing out there. Right now, he needs to decompress and be alone with his thoughts.” Family members told reporters that any discussion of the nearly $1 million in prize money that Spieth missed out on would be avoided indefinitely.
New Altar Boy Clearly Not Ready For Spotlight Of 10 A.M. Sunday Mass #~# COATESVILLE, PA—Calling his bowing and candle-work “sloppy at best,” parishioners at Holy Family Church told reporters yesterday that new altar boy Christopher Mains, 11, was clearly not ready for the spotlight of the 10 a.m. Sunday Mass. “As soon as that kid got to the altar and barely even genuflected, I knew he was in way over his head. This is Sunday morning; you’ve got to be on your A-game,” said church attendee Betsy Pollana, noting that she might expect that kind of performance at a 7 p.m. Wednesday Mass, or possibly even at 5:30 on Saturday, but certainly not at the main event. “He rang the bell way too late during consecration, he had no clue how to hold a thurible, and frankly, I’m at a loss for what he thought he was doing during the communion. Sorry, but until you’ve got your routine locked down, you’ve got no business headlining Sunday.” Pollana added that if she so much as saw Mains processing down the aisle next Sunday, she’d walk straight out of the church and not come back until the 1:30 p.m. Mass.
Elderly Man Who’s Outlived Wife By 8 Years Must Not Have Loved Her Very Much #~# LAUREL, MD—Noting that the 81-year-old is still in relatively good health to this day, sources reported Monday that elderly man Jonathan Eckman, who has outlived his wife by eight years now, must not have loved her very much. “If he didn’t die the day after his wife, or later that year on their wedding anniversary, then he probably didn’t really care about her at all,” said local acquaintance Dana Ridgely, who added that the least Eckman could have done if he, in fact, cherished and adored the woman he spent 50 years of his life alongside, was die within a few weeks of her. “He vows to be with her forever, he raises three kids with her, and he spends nearly every moment with her for decades, but he doesn’t even pass away moments after she does, still holding her hand? He must have been cheating on her or something.” Sources added that unless Eckman dies 10 years to the day after his wife’s passing, it was almost guaranteed that he never even loved her to begin with and their marriage was one big lie.
Senate Won’t Prevent Airlines From Shrinking Seats #~# An amendment that would have required the FAA to maintain a minimum seat size on all airlines for the “safety, health, and comfort” of its passengers was voted against in the Senate 42-54. What do you think?
Clinton Campaign Treasurer Crushed To Death After Stack Of Campaign Funds Topples Over #~# NEW YORK—Confirming the accident occurred while transferring a new load of cash into Hillary Clinton’s campaign finance warehouse, sources reported that Hillary for America treasurer Jose Villarreal was crushed to death Friday after a stack of campaign funds toppled over onto him. “We are deeply saddened to report that our friend and colleague Jose Villarreal was killed instantly this morning when one of our forklifts struck a 30-foot stack of contributions, knocking over several pallets of campaign money and trapping him underneath,” said the campaign’s communications director, Jennifer Palmieri, who confirmed that Villarreal had been inventorying a particularly cramped and dangerous section of the warehouse dedicated to financial firm contributions when as much as $6 million came crashing down on top of him. “Unfortunately, by the time our staffers rushed in and dug Mr. Villarreal out from under the pile of bills and checks, it was too late. An entire week’s worth of fundraising fell on him, so, sadly, there was no chance of pulling him out alive.” Palmieri added that all staffers handling campaign funds would henceforth be required to wear hard hats and other protective equipment.
‘American Idol’ Ends 15-Year Run #~# Thursday night saw American Idol’s series finale, a two-hour send-off to the show’s 15-year run that included performances from past winners before crowning Trent Harmon the final champion. What do you think?
Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials #~# ‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter
Nation Finds Solace In Knowledge Candidates Taking Years Off Own Lives By Running For President #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the insight was their sole source of comfort in an otherwise frustrating election season, Americans across the country reported Friday they’re finding solace in the knowledge that the 2016 presidential candidates are taking years off of their lives by running for president. “This election cycle has been nearly unbearable, which is why I always try to pause and remind myself that every campaign stop, stump speech, and television appearance takes a huge toll on the candidates’ health and well-being, and reduces their life expectancy,” said Dayton, OH resident Kelly Jones, adding that it was heartening to know the stress induced from holding multiple campaign rallies in a single day would later manifest as life-threatening medical conditions in each of the presidential hopefuls. “Whenever I find myself getting worked up about what one of the candidates has said or done, I just remind myself that the endless sleep deprivation on the campaign trail is going to ensure that none of them are around for too many more years. And it’s also nice to think that if they actually make it to the general election, that will just speed along the whole process.” Many Americans admitted the sense of solace was quickly wiped away after remembering that candidates’ corporate donors would be around for a very long time.
Dog Talent Agency Represents Famous Pets #~# The Wall Street Journal recently interviewed The Dog Agency, a talent company that exclusively represents Instagram-famous dogs, often securing five-figure deals for advertisements to be posted through the pets’ profiles. What do you think?
Jim Nantz Sitting In Corner Of Augusta Clubhouse Locker Room Watching Golfers Change #~# AUGUSTA, GA—Expressing their unease at the veteran sportscaster’s behavior as they prepared for the second round of the Masters, multiple golfers told reporters Friday that Jim Nantz has been sitting in the corner of the Augusta National clubhouse locker room and watching them change. “I was in the clubhouse this morning getting dressed, and Jim was just sitting there, not saying a word, with his eyes fixed on me the whole time,” said golfer Jason Day, adding that when he attempted to greet Nantz, the 56-year-old broadcaster nodded his head slightly before slowly gazing up and down Day’s body and softly muttering “Mmm.” “He’s over by Rory McIlroy’s locker, and after Rory came back from the shower, he scooted over a little on the bench, but then just watched Rory dry himself off and put his clothes on. He hasn’t moved from that spot for hours. I don’t know about the other guys, but I’m not changing in the clubhouse as long as he’s still there.” At press time, several golfers were looking on in disgust as Nantz removed a sweaty polo shirt from Rickie Fowler’s locker, held it up to his nostrils, and inhaled deeply.
Tips For Maintaining Your Social Life As A New Parent #~# Brought to you by Catastrophe
Communists Seek Copyright For Red Star #~# The Russian Communist Party has announced they will appeal to Prime Minister Medvedev for a copyright to be placed on their red star symbol in order to protect it from widespread use in branding and advertising. What do you think?
Rangers Disgusted By Prince Fielder Leaving Chewed-Up Bats All Over Dugout #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Complaining that he should have dropped the habit a long time ago, members of the Texas Rangers admitted to reporters Thursday that they are constantly disgusted by first baseman Prince Fielder’s tendency to leave chewed-up baseball bats all over the dugout. “Prince is always taking other guys’ bats and gnawing on them—it’s so gross,” said Rangers left fielder Ian Desmond, who added that he and other players will often reach for their bats in the dugout rack, only to find them covered in Fielder’s teeth marks and wet with drool. “I don’t think he even notices when he’s doing it. Sometimes he’ll be talking to me on the bench and suddenly he’ll start chomping on one. I wish he would at least chew on his own bats, because there’s no way I’m using one of mine after he’s had it in his mouth.” Desmond added that he is just thankful Fielder has finally stopped spitting wet baseballs at teammates taking naps in the clubhouse.
Billionaire Reading Name In Panama Papers Totally Forgot He Even Had Funds In Seychelles #~# NEW YORK—Taken completely by surprise upon reading his own name in a newspaper article about the Panama Papers, billionaire Frederick Weldon revealed to reporters Thursday that he had completely forgotten he even had funds stashed in the Seychelles. “Oh, yeah, right—jeez, forgot about that,” said Weldon, who after thinking about it for several moments, began to recall having his attorney at one point set up a tax-free dummy corporation in the island nation off the coast of Africa to harbor a portion of his assets. “Wow, I haven’t thought about that in years. How much was it again? $30 million? $40 million? Anyway, I’m glad they reminded me. Who knows how long that would have slipped my mind.” Weldon added that, just to be on the safe side, he’d better make some calls to Switzerland, Luxembourg, Hong Kong, Singapore, Bermuda, Mauritius, Macau, and the Isle of Man to make sure he wasn’t missing any other funds he had stored away.
Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric #~# ‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate
The Pros And Cons Of Attending College #~# A four-year degree can open doors to a bright future, though many people don’t think it will benefit their career path. Here are some pros and cons of attending college:
Kasich Privately Worried He’ll Never Have Charisma Necessary To Incite Supporters To Violent Frenzy #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing concern at the noticeable lack of intensity at his campaign events, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich confided to reporters Thursday that he’s worried he’ll never possess the charisma necessary to incite his supporters into a crazed, violent frenzy. “I know I’m good at discussing policy and laying out my vision for America, but if I’m being honest, I’m beginning to think I just might not have that kind of special energy that voters seem to respond to by shouting bigoted statements or threatening physical violence against others,” said Kasich, who conceded that he hadn’t even inspired a single attendee at any of his stump speeches to turn against a reporter in their midst, let alone roused an entire crowd to erupt into an out-of-control brawl. “Sure, I can get voters to chant my name, but that’s as far as it ever goes. It seems to come so easily to some people, but I wouldn’t even know the first thing to say to get people so worked up that they’re ready to cold-cock the next immigrant or minority they see.” Kasich added that he was seriously concerned his campaign would not be able to recover from the extremely calm and civil rally he held the previous night.
Department Of Transportation Introduces Padded Bumper Lane For Intoxicated Drivers #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to reduce motor vehicle injuries and fatalities stemming from drunk driving, officials at the Department of Transportation announced Wednesday the opening of new highway lanes lined with padded bumpers, which have been installed on interstates nationwide for use by intoxicated drivers. “It’s really quite simple—if you’re already behind the wheel and you feel like you’ve had too much to drink, simply veer into the special lane at the first entry point and careen safely from bumper to bumper until you reach your exit,” said department secretary Anthony Foxx, noting that the bumpers were specially constructed to cushion the impact of a swerving vehicle and gently push it back toward the center of the lane. “You can also use your car to lightly nudge other intoxicated motorists out of your way and into the padded barriers, or even doze off for a little bit while you drive if you need to.” Foxx said the Transportation Department hopes the new initiative achieves the same level of success as its interstate conveyor-belt lanes, which help prevent backups by accelerating stoned drivers to the normal speed of traffic.
Vanilla Shortage Could Raise Ice Cream Prices #~# Top vanilla producer Madagascar is experiencing a shortage of the plant due to rising global demand for natural flavorings, potentially leading to a spike in ice cream prices this summer. What do you think?
Versailles Building Luxury Hotel #~# The palace of Versailles is outfitting three of its outbuildings with luxury guest rooms, a spa, and a high-end restaurant, though critics decry the project as the commoditization of a national treasure. What do you think?
New Royal Caribbean Cruise Just 12-Day Buffet On Floor Of Empty Dockside Warehouse #~# MIAMI—Telling members of the media Wednesday that the all-inclusive package has already proven popular with American vacationers, Royal Caribbean International discussed the launch last month of its newest cruise, a 12-day-long continuous buffet set up on the bare concrete floor of an abandoned dockside warehouse. 
Subway Manager Disgusted By Sight Of Cold Cut Combo Devouring Large Rat #~# UNION CITY, NJ—Saying the disturbing incident made him sick to his stomach, Subway shift manager Dean Haney told reporters Wednesday he was completely disgusted after seeing a Cold Cut Combo devour a large rat in the alley behind the restaurant. “I went to take out the trash, and I saw this nasty-looking thing just feasting on a full-grown rat,” said Haney, estimating the size of the sandwich as “at least six inches,” and describing it as mangy, vicious, and dripping with Italian dressing. “It completely tore the rat apart before wolfing the whole mess down—I honestly almost puked. The worst part is, if you see one of these things out there, you know there are probably hundreds more around somewhere.” Haney noted that after it finished consuming the rat, the revolting and likely disease-ridden Cold Cut Combo scuttled under a dumpster and into a crevice in the wall, presumably returning to its fetid nest.
Struggling Nation Sends Middle Class To Go Live With Canadian Government For A While #~# ‘They’ll Take Care Of You While We Sort Some Stuff Out,’ Says U.S.
Introverts React More Negatively To Typos #~# A study on personality and cognition found that introverted people noticed more typos and grammatical errors in someone’s writing and consequently assumed more negative opinions about the writer than extroverts did. What do you think?
Ancient Human Sacrifices Reinforced Hierarchy #~# A new study looked at the social makeup of ancient societies and found that those with more stratified class systems participated most often in ritual human sacrifice, a practice that maintained an elite wealthy class by killing subordinates to appease the gods. What do you think?
How Coastal Cities Are Preparing For Climate Change #~# With experts predicting that the effects of global warming could be catastrophic in the next 50 years, here are some ways that coastal cities are addressing the challenges of rising sea levels:
Mom Apologizing For Going Through Menopause #~# LUTSEN, MN—According to witnesses, local mother Deborah Miller, 49, apologized to her family profusely Monday for going through the natural biological process of menopause. “Gosh, I am so sorry—I know it’s cold in here, but I’m having a hot flash,” said Miller as she cracked open a window in the den, fanned herself with a nearby magazine while her husband and two sons watched television, and repeatedly asked them for forgiveness for her ovaries ceasing to release eggs and her decreased estrogen production, physical and chemical changes that happen to every woman during her lifetime and over which Miller has no control. “I really hope I’m not bothering anyone. This won’t last long, I promise. Sorry, sorry.” Sources added that Miller later apologized softly to no one in particular for the perfectly normal stage of life when she stepped on several loud floorboards late at night during a bout of hormone-related insomnia while everyone else in her family was sound asleep.
You Don’t Get To Be As Old As I Am Without Knowing A Few Things About Basic Shapes And Colors #~# I’ve seen it all in my time. Been a lot of places, done a lot of things. Had my share of scrapes here and there, too. Those experiences taught me so much more than I ever could have imagined and shaped me into who I am today, the kind of person who just knows right away what’s red, what’s orange, that circles are round—all that stuff. Yeah, you might say that where basic shapes and colors are concerned, I know a thing or two about a thing or two.
Tech Company Develops Chewable Coffee #~# San Francisco tech company Nootrobox has developed a product called Go Cubes, a chewable tablet made of cold brew coffee containing 50 milligrams of caffeine. What do you think?
Tips For Male Bonding #~# Brought to you by The Dude Perfect Show
Frustrated UNC Student Too Busy Studying For Players’ Tests To Watch Title Game #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—Lamenting that he won’t be able to watch the highly anticipated game with his friends, University of North Carolina junior Aaron Wright expressed his frustration Monday that he will be too busy studying for players’ tests to watch the Tar Heels play Villanova for the NCAA National Championship. “Man, I wish I could watch tonight, but there are four different exams I have to prepare for this week,” said Wright, adding that he will only be able to periodically check the game’s score on his phone while cramming all night for senior forward Brice Johnson’s human physiology exam. “I might stream it on my laptop during the second half just to have it on in the background, but I’ll probably be too busy trying to memorize equations for the stats test [small forward] Justin Jackson has on Wednesday to even pay attention to what’s happening. God, this sucks.” At press time, Wright was ignoring a slew of text messages from his roommate about the game while rushing to finish the 12-page European history paper junior guard Kanler Coker has due tomorrow morning.
Panama Papers Reveal Widespread Tax Evasion #~# Over 11.5 million leaked files dubbed the “Panama Papers” reveal that the world’s wealthy elites are hiding money in offshore accounts to evade taxation, a leak that implicates the prime minister of Iceland, the president of Ukraine, and Vladimir Putin, among others. What do you think?
Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid #~# ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op. “As soon as Ted Cruz touched the cow, this yellow, lumpy fluid started oozing out of its udders,” said eyewitness Sarah Verdin, adding that the heifer appeared to be perfectly healthy and had been producing fresh white milk just moments earlier when the owner of the farm demonstrated how to handle the teats. “The cow was bellowing and stomping the whole time; it was clearly in distress. And the longer he tried milking it, the thicker and chunkier the milk came out. They even brought him a second cow to try and the exact same thing happened.” At press time, Cruz was licking his lips after taking a long drink from the bucket of fetid, steaming goop.
What You Need To Know About The Women’s Soccer Equal Pay Controversy #~# Members of the U.S. women’s national soccer team recently filed a formal complaint accusing the U.S. Soccer Federation of gender-based wage discrimination. Here’s what you need to know.
Man Prowling At Airport Gate Ready To Pounce Like Jungle Cat At First Sign Of Boarding #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Slinking stealthily as he scanned the departure desk for any sudden movement, local man Aaron Smith reportedly prowled San Francisco International Airport’s gate 33 Friday like a jungle cat ready to pounce at the first sign of a boarding announcement. Smith, whose pupils had fully dilated after witnessing the gate agent lean in toward her microphone, is said to have frozen in place, tightening the grip on his carry-on bag and tensing his entire body as if he were a jaguar ready to lunge at a marsh deer drinking from an Amazonian water hole. According to onlookers, Smith tracked the elderly travelers and passengers with disabilities during the pre-boarding process like an apex feline predator eyeing the weakest member of a herd to isolate and ambush, his gaze fixed and intense as attendants guided the group’s wheelchairs down the jet bridge. At press time, after the gate agent announced that passengers in the first zone could begin to board, Smith reportedly pulled his ticket from his pocket with lightning-quick reflexes and charged forward to the front of the queue in a manner identical to that of a leopard bounding after a spooked warthog.
Report Finds Average American Wastes 77 Years Of Their Life Not Listening To Steve Winwood’s ‘The Finer Things’ #~# BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by the sociology department at Tufts University, the average American completely wastes 77 years of his or her life not listening to the adult contemporary soft-rock classic “The Finer Things” by Steve Winwood. “Tragically, nine in 10 Americans will die having only heard the song’s beguiling synthesizer intro accompanied by Mr. Winwood’s silky-smooth yet slightly edged vocals for just the most minuscule fraction of their time on earth,” said professor Cindy Nancherla, lead author of the report, which also found that most people will unfortunately spend vastly larger portions of their life sleeping, working, stuck in traffic, and, most disturbingly, listening to Toto’s “Rosanna.” “So much of the typical individual’s lifespan is squandered not waiting for the upbeat drums to kick in during the chorus and not hearing that heart-stopping key change in the bridge. It’s just so sad—you can never get those hours and days back.” Nancherla added that it was not too late for the majority of Americans to put on Winwood’s 1986 kinetic pop-rock masterpiece Back In The High Life and completely turn their lives around.
God Admits He Way Less Strict With Last Few Billion Children #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying He was a very rigid and domineering Father in the years immediately following the Creation of Man, the Lord God Almighty admitted Monday He has been far less strict with His last few billion children. “I was kind of a stickler back then, to be honest, and I could be pretty harsh when I punished my children for doing something wrong or disobeying me,” said God, who remarked that He has mellowed out quite a bit over the millennia and that it has been a long time since He has sent forth floodwaters to cover the face of the earth or cast any of His children into a lake of fire. “Back then, I was still learning how to be a good Father of all Mankind. I can see that now. And I used a more disciplinarian approach, sending down a plague, slaughtering all the firstborn and livestock—things like that. After a while, though, you realize you just have to let your children live their lives and make their own mistakes.” The Lord added, however, that He has perhaps been too lenient with His children of late, and the minor disciplinary measure of an earthquake next week that will kill 300,000 should be enough to set them straight.
New Method Accurately Measures THC In Edibles #~# Though the labeling on cannabis chocolates, gummies, and other edible items is currently inconsistent and unregulated, a new technique provides accurate measurements of the cannabis within these newly legal products. What do you think?
Study: Arachnophobia Causes Spiders To Look Bigger #~# It’s been found that the brains of those who suffer from arachnophobia could be perceiving the spiders as much larger than they actually are. What do you think?
‘The Time To Act Is Now,’ Says Yellowing Climate Change Report Sitting In University Archive #~# BERKELEY, CA—Warning society that it has reached a crucial tipping point from which it may never be able to recover, a brittle, yellowing report sitting in the archives of the University of California’s Bioscience & Natural Resources Library reportedly urged readers Friday that “the time to act against climate change is right now.” “Any further delay in ending the international community’s reliance on fossil fuels and reversing global carbon emission trends places the planet on an irreversible path toward climate catastrophe,” read the faded text of the document, whose musty, degrading pages further cautioned that, without “an immediate and concerted worldwide response,” polar ice caps will melt at an accelerating rate and extreme weather events will grow more frequent and destructive. “This is the most pressing issue facing humanity today. We must act against rising global temperatures with exceptional speed and commitment, as the future of the human race depends on swift and decisive action.” The report, which was beginning to wither and curl at the edges, concluded with a degree of optimism, emphasizing that as long as humanity recognizes the grave dangers it faces and commits itself fully to taking immediate corrective measures, there remains just enough time to avoid a cataclysmic mass extinction event.
How A Contested Convention Would Work #~# With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.
Failure To Get Into Private College To Be Most Financially Responsible Act Of 17-Year-Old’s Life #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Saying the turn of events will greatly benefit the 17-year-old’s economic security, sources confirmed Friday that local high school senior Emily Harrison’s failure to get into the University of Southern California, a private academic institution, will be the single most financially responsible act of her entire life. According to reports, Harrison’s rejected application, which she spent weeks preparing in hopes of spending four years at her “dream school,” will save the young student a total of nearly $370,000, including $205,768 in tuition, $3,714 in fees, $57,392 in room and board, and $101,670 in student loan interest payments. The rejection, which led a visibly devastated Harrison to agonize over whether she should have participated in more extracurricular activities or obtained additional letters of recommendation, will reportedly allow her to avoid a period of 10 years or more in which she would have struggled to repay her loans, inevitably racking up credit card debt to cover basic necessities and ultimately leaving her unable to buy a home. Sources said the teen will still face financial disaster if she follows through on her long-term plan to enter a PhD program, which would require her to spend approximately one-fifth of her adult life bringing in little to no income.
Oculus Rift Released #~# The Oculus Rift, the most advanced virtual reality headset to date, launched this week and costs approximately $1,600 when paired with a capable PC and accompanying games, though all units are currently on back order. What do you think?
Facebook, Twitter Helping EU Combat Hate Speech #~# Major sites including Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube have agreed to an EU code of conduct that mandates review and removal of hate speech within 24 hours of anyone flagging it. What do you think?
Library Of Congress Adds ‘No Sleep ’Til Hammersmith’ To National Motörhead Registry #~# WASHINGTON—In recognition of the 1981 live album’s contribution to the metal pioneers’ legacy, the Library of Congress announced Tuesday that No Sleep ’Til Hammersmith had been added to the National Motörhead Registry. “Built on the successes of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre EP and the album Ace Of Spades, Hammersmith marks the absolute peak of the band’s Lemmy, ‘Fast’ Eddie Clarke, and Phil ‘Philthy Animal’ Taylor lineup, making it an exemplary addition to the NMR,” Acting Librarian of Congress David S. Mao said of the database, a federally funded collection of over 800 albums, singles, and bootleg recordings from throughout the rock-and-roll band’s 40-year career. “Obviously, since there is so much deserving music, we have to be selective with what we include. When you consider that Hammersmith features such technically adept and aggressively loud songs as ‘Overkill’ and ‘Capricorn’ recorded live at Newcastle City Hall, the choice was obvious.” In conjunction with the announcement, officials from the Smithsonian Institution’s Motörhead Collection confirmed they had acquired 100 empty bottles of Jack Daniels that Lemmy had consumed during the 1986 Orgasmatron tour.
Lululemon Executives Furious After Focus Group Leaves Product Testing With Self-Esteem Intact #~# VANCOUVER—Conceding that they would have to go back to the drawing board and start over with a new approach, executives for the fashion brand Lululemon were reportedly furious Tuesday after a focus group left a testing session for a new line of women’s clothing with their self-esteem fully intact. “Great, six months spent working on a redesign of the ‘Drop It Low Shorts’ for nothing,” said marketing director Adam Prosser, who reportedly shook his head in disgust and walked angrily out of a meeting after watching footage of the group feedback session in which women of various ages and sizes all smiled and displayed a positive attitude, without a single one stating that the form-fitting, lightweight shorts probably weren’t meant for their body shape. “We’re going to have to throw everything out and start from scratch. This is a disaster—not even one of the subjects sighed loudly and slumped her shoulders after putting on our product and looking at herself in the mirror or at the other women in the group. How did we screw up so badly?” Sources confirmed that the team of executives decided to address the problem by recruiting several exceptionally toned and slender models for the upcoming ad campaign, cropping all product shots tight on the models’ backsides, and launching with a new “You. Perfected.” tagline.
The TSA’s Plans For Improvement #~# The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve:
Doomsday Clock Pushed To One Minute To Midnight After Arby’s Threatens Launch Of 3-Cheese Jalapeño Beef ’N Bacon Melt #~# CHICAGO—Reacting to the fast-food chain’s increasingly alarming marketing language Tuesday, the Science and Security Board of the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists set the global Doomsday Clock to 11:59 p.m. following Arby’s threats to launch a 3-Cheese Jalapeño Beef ’N Bacon Melt. “As Arby’s’ claims of possessing an experimental new specialty sandwich have become more and more credible, we have concluded that the world is closer than it’s ever been to a cataclysmic event that could destroy the lives of millions,” said the board’s executive director, Rachel Bronson, reiterating that Arby’s had already performed tests and received positive reactions from focus groups, many of whom said it was “very likely” they would try the sandwich in the future. “Top government officials need to heed the realities of the current landscape and recognize that we are on the cusp of seeing a spicy, fire-roasted meat and cheese product that could reach all 50 states and beyond. Because once the delivery trucks begin amassing at Arby’s’ regional distribution centers, it will already be too late.” U.S. government officials have publicly expressed doubts at the validity of Arby’s’ threats, as the company’s last several launch attempts have all been too soggy to cause cravings on a mass scale.
God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism #~# THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition. “Look, maybe they came up with the thing about the Messiah being conceived by virgin birth, but c’mon—that’s just one minor detail. I added plenty of new stuff in there,” said God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, adding that the concept of Saoshyant, the savior of Zoroastrianism, was “barely fleshed out” and that He had “really put [His] own spin on it and humanized [His] Messiah” by having Jesus Christ physically walk the earth and interact with other people. “I mean, how many ideas are truly original when you think about it? And anyway, I made my guy a carpenter—gave him a nice real-world job. That’s so much more relatable than their mysterious, magical man who lives for decades without eating anything. Okay, okay, I may have also taken the part about him raising the dead and being the judge of all humankind, too, but that’s it. The rest is all me.” God attempted to silence further criticism by announcing that there were some “big surprises” in store for the upcoming Apocalypse, assuring reporters it would be “totally different” than Frashokereti, the Zoroastrian description of the final battle between good and evil.
Anti-Choice Groups Targeting Women Via Smartphones #~# According to a new report, anti-abortion groups are using geofencing, or the act of targeting consumers in certain geographical areas, to text women entering abortion clinics and implore them to consider other options. What do you think?
‘Keurig For Pot’ In The Works #~# A product development manager and former Keurig VP have teamed up to create CannaKorp Inc., a company whose vaporizers load single-serving “pods” of marijuana. What do you think?
Elton John, Vladimir Putin Cancel Meeting #~# Though they had planned for months to discuss Russia’s LGBT rights record, Sir Elton John and Vladimir Putin must indefinitely postpone the meeting due to scheduling conflicts. What do you think?
Coworker Loudly Typing Away Like 1930s Cub Reporter Chasing Hot Lead #~# NEW YORK—Unable to ignore the incessant clatter arising from the man’s cubicle, several Westerbrook Financial employees confirmed Friday that their coworker Eric Ford was noisily typing away at his desk like a 1930s cub reporter chasing a hot lead. According to colleagues, the 31-year-old analyst was furiously writing up an investment evaluation as though he were a fedora-clad young hotshot in a smoke-filled bullpen, quickly transcribing notes for a big scoop that would blow the lid off a major scandal. For a period of at least 30 minutes, Ford was said to have hammered relentlessly on the keyboard of his laptop—and not a Smith Corona typewriter, as those listening in might have assumed—completing the risk analysis and valuation sections of his report with the enthusiasm of a young, inexperienced reporter frantically trying to beat the print deadline of the evening edition in an effort to make a name for himself in local journalism circles and get his grizzled managing editor off his case. Describing the situation as not at all dissimilar from that of an intrepid ink-slinger who was just about to leap from his chair, hold his freshly typed story above his head, and scream “Stop the presses!” at the top of his lungs, sources said Ford banged out the closing lines of the report with an especially clamorous series of keystrokes befitting a rising newspaperman in the golden era of print news. After a few last seconds of frenzied typing that ended with a final flourish of several hard returns, Ford was said to have grabbed his coat and rushed out to get lunch like he had just received a hot tip about something big going down at the docks.
Helpful Museum Map Highlights Exhibits Visitors Don’t Have To Feel Too Bad About Skipping #~# LOS ANGELES—Shading the designated sections in red for easy identification by visitors, the Getty Center began distributing helpful museum maps this week highlighting which areas patrons shouldn’t feel too bad about skipping, sources confirmed. “Given the size of the museum, visitors can feel fine blowing right past these exhibits,” read the map’s key, which informed visitors they need not worry about bypassing the decorative arts and illuminated manuscripts in the North and East pavilions on their way to the replica Buddhist cave shrines, and also suggested that while patrons might enjoy a brief stroll through the lower terrace’s sculpture gardens, they would have no regrets if they avoided the museum’s Research Institute gallery entirely. “We recommend visitors poke their heads into these exhibits only if they have a lot of time to kill and have already seen every other part of the museum.” The map reportedly also features yellow shading to designate rooms that might or might not be worth patrons’ time depending on whether ornate 18th-century French furniture happens to be their thing.
Nation’s Overthinkers Convene To Determine What That’s Supposed To Mean #~# NEW YORK—Following what they deemed to be a peculiar interaction with a number of possible implications, the nation’s top overthinkers gathered for an intensive three-day symposium this week to determine what that’s supposed to mean.
Number Of Millennials Living At Home Reaches 130-Year High #~# The Pew Research Center has confirmed that for the first time in 130 years, more people aged 18-34 are living with their parents than living alone or with a partner, statistics attributable to the economic impact of the Great Recession. What do you think?
Brazen Man Leaves Copy Of ‘Consent To Kill’ By Vince Flynn Unattended In Coffee Shop While Going To Bathroom #~# BOSTON—Explaining that he had made no effort to safeguard the book or even conceal it from sight, sources reported that brazen coffee shop patron Justin Dill left his copy of Vince Flynn’s counterterrorism thriller Consent To Kill completely unattended while using the restroom Friday.
Report: 70% Of Trump Endorsements Made After Staring At Bedroom Ceiling For 4 Hours #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center, approximately 70 percent of public officials who endorse Donald Trump for president do so after staring at their bedroom ceiling for at least four hours. “We polled 90 prominent GOP members who have come out in support of Donald Trump in recent weeks, and concluded that the majority of these statements were made after these officials lay in their bed and stared vacantly up at the blank expanse of ceiling above them for quite some time, typically between the hours of midnight and 5 a.m.,” said lead researcher Petra Driscoll, who later confirmed that two in three Trump endorsements were spoken aloud in public by Republican leaders while they silently dug their fingernails into their palms out of view of any cameras. “Our findings show that the remainder of those who publicly endorsed Trump, roughly 30 percent, did so after lying facedown on their bed quietly groaning into their pillow for about an equal amount of time.” Researchers further noted that every one of the survey respondents stated that immediately after endorsing Trump, they spent the next three days once again staring up at their bedroom ceiling.
Most Americans Avoid Clinical Trials #~# Though new medications must undergo exhaustive clinical testing before hitting the market, a new study found that only a third of Americans are willing to participate in such trials. What do you think?
Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe #~# PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe. “It appears that, at approximately 8:20 this morning, Voyager struck the edge of the universe head-on at a speed of 38,000 miles per hour, resulting in significant structural damage to the spacecraft,” said Voyager project scientist Ed Stone, noting that the force of the impact with the outer border of the cosmos had bent the probe’s main antenna dish and completely snapped off its low-field magnetometer. “While we’re receiving only intermittent signals from Voyager now, incoming data indicate that, in addition to nearly totaling the craft’s thermoelectric generator, the collision left a significant dent in the end of the universe as well.” JPL scientists added that Voyager 1 now appears to be moving laterally, scraping its left side along the universe’s outer edge, and that it is expected to continue doing so for the next 50 or 60 years until the remaining fragments of the probe eventually come to rest in the bottom-right corner of outer space.
Family Chooses Different Dog Than Reincarnated Grandfather #~# ORLANDO, FL—Saying they instantly fell in love with the good-natured golden retriever, members of the Judd family reportedly chose Thursday to adopt a different dog from an animal shelter than their reincarnated grandfather. “Right when we walked into the shelter, this little terrier jumped up on us and barked and started licking the kids, but we really had our hearts set on a golden named Buddy,” said father Marcus Judd, who decided against adopting the “too high-strung” Scottish terrier that bears the reborn soul of his father, Bernard Judd, who passed away two years ago. “That terrier was cute and really seemed to like us. But my youngest daughter was a little scared of him, so we went with Buddy. He’s just the perfect fit for our family.” At press time, the family had reportedly administered medicine to their new pet, quickly killing their grandmother who had been reincarnated as a roundworm.
Man Forced To Venture Pretty Far Into Wilds Of Internet To Have Opinion Confirmed #~# VAIL, CO—Trekking well beyond the comfortable terrain of the first few pages of his Google search, local man Bruce Costas, 35, was reportedly forced to venture deep into the harsh wilds of the internet Wednesday to have his opinion confirmed by outside sources. Costas, who had fervidly espoused the opinion during a conversation earlier in the day, was said to have spent most of his evening slogging through a dense and oftentimes disorienting jungle of uncharted news sites, rarely visited blogs, and broken links in hopes of coming upon some hidden spring of affirmation, however small or isolated, that could corroborate his viewpoint. According to reports, the intrepid voyager only found what he had been seeking when he stumbled by chance onto a sparsely populated forum in the darkest, most desolate back country of the digital sphere, seven pages into the crumbling remains of an ancient message board thread. Sources confirmed that when he finally returned to the safe shelter of popular, mainstream websites, the conquering hero immediately trumpeted the triumphant news of his validated beliefs across every corner of his social networks.
Korean Ice Cream Bar Combats Hangovers #~# A new South Korean ice cream treat called the Gyeondyo, or “hang in there” bar, claims to cure hangovers with raisin tree extract, an ingredient historically used to combat the after-effects of alcohol consumption. What do you think?
Angelina Jolie Becomes College Professor #~# The London School of Economics and Political Science has hired Angelina Jolie as a visiting professor to teach a masters-level course in Women, Peace, and Security. What do you think?
Knocked-Out Secret Service Agents Wake To Realize Jimmy Carter Loose #~# PLAINS, GA—After regaining consciousness on the floor of the den inside Jimmy Carter’s private residence, a pair of groggy Secret Service agents quickly realized that the 91-year-old former president was on the loose, sources reported Wednesday. “He must have got his hands on a brick or something and knocked us out when we had our backs turned,” said agent Sam Knox while gingerly touching a large, swollen bump on the back of his head, later adding that this isn’t the first time Carter had evaded the Secret Service, recounting an incident in 2014 in which the retired statesman had offered Knox and his colleagues lemonade laced with a powerful laxative. “He’s quick as hell and a lot stronger than he looks, and he’s smart—very smart. You can’t let your guard down for even a second.” Secret Service officials went on to stress that time was of the essence, and issued an APB alerting authorities to be on the lookout for one “Jim Cartwright” or “Carter Jimenez” at any nearby low-income housing construction sites, alternative energy forums, or disputed elections.
Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.
Friends, Family Admit They Expected Man’s Mental Breakdown To Look Completely Different #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Though they had reportedly anticipated his psychological breakdown for the past several months, friends and family members of local man Lucas Whitford acknowledged Wednesday that the mental collapse the 32-year-old billing specialist was currently suffering looked entirely different than what they had expected. “I personally thought he’d be more or less normal, and then one day, when something pushed him over the edge, he’d just snap and have some sort of screaming meltdown in public or something, but it hasn’t been like that at all,” said Whitford’s older brother Samuel, 35, later adding that until recently, he had pictured his high-strung sibling responding to his mounting mental strain by quickly becoming enraged, yelling some paranoid nonsense, and perhaps even needing to be physically restrained, instead of gradually and silently retreating from all interactions with others as he has done over the past two weeks. “He’s just been sad and really quiet lately, and he lost a bit of weight. When you ask him how he’s doing, all he does is say ‘I’m fine’ and sort of stare at nothing. I really thought when I confronted him about his emotional state he’d be drunk and belligerent, but no, he just kind of cries.” Those close to Whitford said they haven’t entirely ruled out his mental breakdown entering a manic episode, which could cause him to take a family member’s car and drive it through the entrance of a big-box retailer.
Squid, Octopus Populations On The Rise #~# A new study reveals a spike in the number of cephalopods in the ocean over the last 60 years, leaving scientists concerned that humans’ negative environmental impact has left an opening for adaptable squids and octopuses to thrive. What do you think?
Man’s Garbage To Have Much More Significant Effect On Planet Than He Will #~# PEORIA, IL—Explaining that the waste he creates today will still be affecting society in significant ways centuries from now, experts from Northwestern University confirmed Tuesday that local resident Aaron Jacobson’s garbage will have a far greater impact on the world than he will.
Adults Born Premature Have Lower Income, Fewer Partners #~# A study of 189 adults who had been born premature found that “preemies” experienced higher rates of unemployment and chronic illness, lower income, and were more likely to be single and childless. What do you think?
How To Teach Your Children Money Management #~# In an uncertain economy, it’s important to provide young people with the tools they’ll need to make prudent financial decisions. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your children about money management:
Nation Unable To Recall If Trump Said He’d Personally Fund Abortion Bombings Or If That Just Sounds Right #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they vaguely remembered the presidential candidate making the statement in front of a large rally but that they might be mistaken, citizens across the country were reportedly unable to recall Tuesday if Donald Trump had promised to personally fund abortion clinic bombings or if that just sounded right. “I thought I had a pretty clear memory of Trump saying something about funneling money to anyone who volunteered to blow up a Planned Parenthood, but maybe that just seems like a claim he might make and I’m getting mixed up—so I guess I’m not really sure if he said it or not,” said Somerset, NJ resident Anna Chung, who, like millions of her fellow citizens, believed she had maybe read a tweet from Trump laying out his willingness to finance a string of anti-abortion firebombing attacks, before conceding that her recollection might have been confused with another of the presumptive GOP nominee’s public comments. “I can’t recall exactly where or when—so maybe I’m thinking of a totally different statement—but I could have sworn that at some point I heard Trump repeatedly offer to put up the money for someone to detonate a pipe bomb inside a women’s health clinic or at an abortion doctor’s residence. Maybe he vowed to cover the expense of all the bomber’s legal fees during one of the primary debates. Who knows?” At press time, the U.S. populace was reportedly unable to remember if Trump had called for banning all Muslims from entering the country or if that also just sounded like something he could have said.
If I Could Be Just Completely Honest For A Second, I Believe Exactly What You Believe #~# When you’re out on the campaign trail, making a succession of quick public appearances and giving brief stump speeches, it can be hard for voters to get to know your deepest, most nuanced convictions. The best policies for our nation don’t always fit into a tidy sound bite, and a candidate’s words inevitably get distorted by the media frenzy that surrounds presidential races. So let me take a moment to set the record straight once and for all and be completely honest with you about where I stand on the issues: I strongly and firmly believe all the same things you believe.
Female WWII Pilots To Be Buried At Arlington #~# President Obama recently overturned a 2015 decision that revoked the rights of female WWII pilots to be buried at Arlington, saying they have served their nation bravely and deserve recognition. What do you think?
The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race #~# Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race:
Balloons Trigger White House Lockdown #~# The White House was placed on lockdown yesterday after the Secret Service detected a security breach on the North Lawn, though it turned out to be balloons that had floated over the fence. What do you think?
Family Knows Not To Interrupt Dad While He’s Skimming Pool, Listening To Orioles Radio Broadcast #~# SALISBURY, MD—Taking care to avoid the backyard Sunday afternoon to give the 49-year-old his space, family members of Chuck Learman told reporters they know not to interrupt their dad while he’s skimming the pool and listening to the Baltimore Orioles radio broadcast. “This is Dad’s time, so we try to leave him alone,” said daughter Kelly Learman, 13, referring to the three-hour block every weekend when their father calmly and methodically removes floating debris from the family’s pool with a net on a long pole while the Orioles game plays on a portable radio placed on the patio table. “We’re not supposed to bother him unless it’s an emergency. If you need something, you just get Mom instead.” Sources said that a serene smile could later be seen forming on Learman’s face as he checked on the chlorine levels and silently mouthed the words “put it in the win column” along with play-by-play announcer Joe Angel.
Report: Nobody Fucking Cares #~# NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it. “Seriously. Stop wasting everyone’s goddamn time.” The report further urged those who still hadn’t shut up about it to quit acting like fucking idiots and just give it a rest, for Christ’s sake.
Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise #~# WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen. “Oh my gosh, it’s light out already!” said Maloney, adding that she could not believe how late it was and that she would have to leave for work in less than three hours. “I’m so mad at myself. This is going to throw me off and make it impossible to fall asleep at a reasonable time tonight. I’ll probably be up until 9.” Maloney went on to acknowledge that she should have known better than to stay awake to watch all of 60 Minutes the previous night.
Man Googling ‘Tender Lump On Neck’ About To Begin Exciting New Phase In Life #~# NATICK, MA—Entirely unbeknownst to him, 45-year-old local resident Timothy Lang stood on the threshold of an exciting new phase in his life Monday as he typed the phrase “tender lump on neck” into Google’s search bar, sources reported. The simple act of entering the particular set of search terms into his internet browser and pressing the return key on his laptop is said to have suddenly opened a fresh new chapter in the man’s life, one that will soon introduce him to dozens of strangers and scores of novel, indelible experiences, while also fundamentally changing his relationships with friends and family, and leading him to make major alterations to his lifestyle. Further reports indicate that the split second between when he finished typing and the moment his search results appeared onscreen would be the last time Lang recognizes himself as the person he is now, as core aspects of the local bank manager’s very identity will, according to sources, begin to undergo immediate and significant transformations. At press time, Lang was reportedly searching the phrase “tender lump vs. tumor,” an action ironically intended to stem the onrushing deluge of profound life changes, but which will only serve to greatly accelerate his entry into the next phase of his existence.
Native Americans Not Offended By Redskins Name #~# A Washington Post poll asked Native Americans whether the name of the Washington NFL team, the Redskins, bothered or offended them, with 7 in 10 responding that they did not find the term offensive. What do you think?
Google’s ‘Human Flypaper’ Would Protect Pedestrians #~# Google has acquired a patent for a sticky adhesive substance on the hoods of cars that acts like flypaper in the event a pedestrian is struck, keeping the victim affixed to the vehicle rather than being thrown from the car as it brakes. What do you think?
Hillary Clinton Sets Personal Single Rep Squat Record While Watching Bernie Sanders On Gym TV #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Shaking violently as she fought to slowly lift the 225-pound load, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly set a new personal single rep squat record Friday while watching Bernie Sanders speak about the upcoming California primary on her gym’s television. “Push!” Clinton reportedly growled while hoisting the flexing, chalk-covered barbell into the air, locking her eyes on the screen showing the muted Vermont senator as sweat streamed down her flushed, contorted face and veins bulged along her neck. “Finish, finish, finish! Yaaaaggh!” Sources confirmed that after triumphantly slamming the barbell back onto the squat rack, the former secretary of state then clapped her hands once and flexed her right bicep at the footage of Sanders addressing a large crowd of supporters.
Family Thought Grandfather Might Enjoy Watching Worst Little League Game Imaginable #~# BOWLING GREEN, KY—Saying it would be a great opportunity for some sunshine and fresh air, members of the Ostby family reportedly came to the conclusion Friday that their grandfather, Earl Ostby, might enjoy going outside and watching the worst Little League baseball game imaginable. “We just thought he’d get a kick out of seeing six innings of the most god-awful baseball ever played,” said daughter-in-law Danielle Ostby, adding that the 83-year-old would probably love viewing a bunch of uncoordinated second-graders repeatedly fuck up routine throws to first base. “Grandpa doesn’t get out of the nursing home very often, so we felt it would be nice for him to watch two completely shitty teams fail to hit a ball out of the infield and score zero runs. Plus, he finally gets a chance to see his grandson completely embarrass himself for an hour at shortstop.” Ostby told reporters her children would also enjoy spending time with their unresponsive, decrepit grandfather.
Nation Dreading Next 6 Months Of Watching Candidates Trying To Relate To It #~# WASHINGTON—Shuddering at the thought of the barrage of daily spectacles they would soon be subjected to, citizens across the nation reported Friday they were dreading having to spend the next half year watching presidential candidates attempt to relate to them. “Oh God, I don’t think I can handle six straight months of seeing the nominees trying as hard as they can to draw parallels between their experiences and our daily lives,” said Salt Lake City resident Linda Rodie, just one of millions of Americans to voice their dismay upon realizing that, until polls close on November 8, they would be inundated with images of politicians donning plaid shirts, wearing hard hats, eating at local mom-and-pop restaurants, and overeagerly going through various other motions in an attempt to find common ground with voters. “We’re going to have to hear them talk about their childhoods and their favorite foods, not to mention the part where they participate in some kind of pop culture fad to show that they, like us, know how to have fun and don’t take themselves too seriously. And the whole time they’ll be going on about shared values and small-town America and whatever else they think will resonate with us. Christ, I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this.” At press time, the nation had resolved to just get this over with by watching a video of a recent Hillary Clinton appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Biden Quietly Asks Obama To Pick Him Up Some Of Those Real Throwing Stars From Japan #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he didn’t want any “cheap-ass, dull ones,” Vice President Joe Biden quietly asked Barack Obama to pick him up some of those real throwing stars during his upcoming diplomatic visit to Japan, White House sources confirmed Friday. “Listen, Barry, I need the real deal, so when you’re over there next week, snag me a few super sharp ones crafted by a master throwing star maker,” said Biden, adding that he would prefer it if the president could find a few bladed throwing weapons that had “some cool Japanese shit written on them.” “The ones they hawk at the Oriental Imports kiosk in the mall are basically useless tinfoil junk. Believe me, I’ve whipped those fuckers as hard as I can, and they never stick to anything. They sure as shit ain’t sharp enough to pin some guy’s nutsack to a tree.” At press time, Biden was writing out a list for the president that included ninja climbing spikes, smoke bombs, and “some of that good tentacle erotica they got over there.”
Summer Will Set New Record For Air Travel #~# Due to overall economic recovery and lowered fuel costs, more Americans than ever are embarking on trips rather than taking “staycations” at home, with 2.78 million airline seats sold per day. What do you think?
Military Apologizes After Drone Strike Intended For Yemeni ISIS Base Accidentally Hits West Palm Beach Wedding #~# WASHINGTON—Attributing the incident to an unfortunate and highly out-of-the-ordinary technological malfunction, officials at the Pentagon apologized this week after a drone strike intended for an ISIS stronghold in the Middle East nation of Yemen accidentally hit a wedding in West Palm Beach, FL, killing 17. “Credible information from operatives on the ground indicated a high-value target on the southern outskirts of Sana’a, however our Hellfire missiles veered some 7,700 miles off target and, regrettably, struck the Epstein-Miller wedding at the Breakers Resort and Spa,” said U.S. Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Welsh, who added that while the military always attempts to minimize collateral damage inflicted by drones, occasional domestic tragedies such as this one do occur from time to time, before noting that the Pentagon was offering “generous” condolence payments to grieving loved ones for each guest and member of the Tom Vilone Celebration Band killed. “To the families of Blake and Natalie, you have our deepest sympathies for the loss of Aunt Jessica, Grandpa Pete, and the other relatives and friends who died in this terrible accident. And we want to assure everyone that the U.S. is committed to fully rebuilding the affected pool and ballroom facilities in a prompt fashion.” Critics of U.S. military policy said the latest incident of civilian deaths due to a UAV strike would only serve to further radicalize residents of the restive Miami-Dade–Broward–Palm Beach region against the United States government.
California Eases Water Restrictions #~# Citing wetter-than-average El Nino conditions, California is rolling back its water restrictions, giving local communities the power to determine their own usage reductions. What do you think?
Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source #~# ‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives
Heroic Police Officer Talks Man Down From Edge Of Purchasing Subway Footlong Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki #~# CLEVELAND—Rushing into action as a horrified crowd of onlookers gathered, heroic police officer Craig Stanton reportedly talked a man down Thursday from the edge of purchasing a footlong Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwich. “Listen, you don’t have to do this—you have so much more to live for,” said the officer, who throughout the tense 45-minute standoff repeatedly urged the man to step away from the Subway cashier before making a rash decision. “It’s not too late. Put down the sandwich and walk away. Think about your family and friends. There are people out there who love you. They don’t want this for you. Don’t put yourself or them through this hell.” Authorities said they were pleased with the negotiation’s outcome, particularly in light of a tragic and grisly incident last week when they arrived moments too late to prevent a woman from ingesting an entire Subway Meatball Marinara Salad.
Widower Just Doesn’t Have Energy To Waltz With Dead Wife’s Dress Tonight #~# PORTLAND, ME—Saying he felt completely drained after a long and stressful day at work, local widower Harold Stein reported Thursday that he just doesn’t have the energy to waltz with his dead wife’s dress tonight. “Any other night, the first thing I’d do after I finish eating dinner and cleaning up the dishes is light a few candles, take Helen’s favorite gown from the hanger in the old cherry armoire, and slowly dance with it around the living room for a while, but I’m honestly pretty wiped out,” said Stein, adding that he was currently too tired to even consider holding out one sleeve of the dress while slowly twirling around to a staticky vinyl record of the couple’s wedding song, and would probably just kick back on the couch for a bit instead. “Just the thought of getting out her jewelry box and running my hand slowly across her old pearl necklace and then spritzing the room with the perfume she used to wear is making me feel totally exhausted. I’ll definitely still do it on our anniversary, but I just need some time to sit down and recharge right now.” At press time, Stein had reportedly decided to just lay a few articles of his wife’s clothing on the bed next to him and call it an evening.
Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider #~# HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company. “This came as a terrible shock, but to be honest, it was probably just what we needed to shake us out of our old habits and realize we have to make some big changes around here,” said CEO Mark Bertolini, adding that the health care provider had known for years that Burns’ monthly premium could be easily two or three times its current level, and that it was unfortunate that it had taken a major emergency and hospitalization for the company to finally do something about it. “You want to believe you can keep charging someone the same co-pays forever, but after this, we’re really going to have to keep a closer watch to make sure his yearly deductible keeps pace with his increased health risk—that’s just common sense. I honestly didn’t realize things had gotten this bad.” Bertolini added that he was just glad they had caught the problem while Burns still had plenty of profitably healthy years left.
Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque #~# NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday. “We were already heading over to the Goya stuff, but then we looked back and saw Dad still standing next to the first Rembrandt painting, staring pretty hard at the description on the wall,” said Schermeier’s daughter Laura, noting how her father at several points glanced back and forth between the plaque and the painting as he took in facts about the scene depicting the mythological warrior Palamedes, who helped lead the Greek forces in the Trojan War, genuflecting at the feet of the legendary king of Argos. “His face couldn’t have been much more than a foot away from the plaque, and I think he may have even started nodding a little as he read. I honestly don’t even know how long he was there, because by the time he finished up, we had already moved on to another room.” At press time, Schermeier had reportedly taken out his phone and snapped a picture of a larger multi-paragraph plaque describing Frederic Remington’s process of casting bronze sculptures to read later.
J.K. Rowling Defends Trump’s Free Speech #~# Though she has previously referred to the Republican frontrunner as “worse than Voldemort” and considers his statements “bigoted and objectionable,” author J.K. Rowling says Donald Trump is nonetheless entitled to free speech and should not be banned from the U.K. as a British petition is demanding. What do you think?
Tips For First Date Conversation #~# happn: sparking in-the-moment connections with real people. Download happn to learn more.
Judge Orders Desegregation Of Mississippi School #~# A judge has ordered the town of Cleveland, MS to desegregate its school system, with many parents protesting the decision to consolidate the high schools that are currently attended exclusively by black and white students, respectively. What do you think?
Dad Locks Into Elaborate Chess Match With Lawn Mower Salesman #~# TACOMA, WA—Intermittently shifting his gaze between his opponent and the product brochure in his hands as he shrewdly calculated his next move, local father Thomas McCabe became locked into an intricate chess match Thursday with riding lawn mower salesman Keith Porter, family sources reported. “So, with the standard warranty, that’s really as low as you can go, huh? Might just stick with a push-mower in that case,” said the veritable Bobby Fischer, thinking several steps ahead in the sales process by preemptively eschewing Porter’s offer of a complimentary blade attachment in a bold gambit intended to put his formidable challenger on the defensive and leave him scrambling to concede home delivery free of charge. “What about the mulch kit—you’re telling me you can’t include that? Well, I might just have to sleep on it, or see what the Greenery Depot is offering.” At press time, sources confirmed the grandmaster was closing in on a checkmate by offhandedly inquiring about the store’s competitor price-match policy.
How To Prepare A Will #~# Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document:
‘Look At All The Tiny Houses,’ Whispers Trump As Jet Reaches 10,000 Feet #~# SAN DIEGO—Leaning forward in his seat and pushing his face close to the window, presidential candidate Donald Trump reportedly whispered “Look at all the tiny houses” to himself as his private jet reached 10,000 feet during a flight to his next campaign event Wednesday. “Whoa, there are so many,” said the presumptive Republican nominee in a hushed but excited tone of voice, squinting while using his thumb and forefinger to pretend that he was holding one of the small buildings as he sat entirely alone in the cabin of his private Cessna 750 Citation X aircraft. “Oh, that one has a pool! And there’s that big one over there—I bet that’s a school.” As the plane then ascended to 20,000 feet, a wide-eyed Trump was reportedly overheard counting aloud all the clouds he could see.
Wealthy Socialite Falling For Unrefined But Beautiful Lower-Class Populace #~# DARIEN, CT—Admitting that his affection for their gauche and boorish ways had surprised even himself, prominent socialite J. Thomas Donelan III confirmed Wednesday that he was falling for the nation’s unrefined but beautiful lower classes.
British Royals Launch Mental Health Initiative #~# Prince William, Princess Kate, and Prince Harry have teamed up to launch Heads Together, an initiative that will bring together multiple charities to address and remove the stigma surrounding mental health issues. What do you think?
Ayahuasca Shaman Dreading Another Week Of Guiding Tech CEOs To Spiritual Oneness #~# IQUITOS, PERU—Saying he was trying not to think about how awful the next few days would be, master ayahuasca shaman Piero Salazar expressed his sense of dread Tuesday as he confirmed his week would once again be spent guiding American tech CEOs to spiritual oneness.
NBA To Display Advertisements On Jerseys #~# Beginning in 2017, the Philadelphia 76ers will be the first NBA team to display business logos on game jerseys, a move that is expected to generate $100 million annually. What do you think?
Cover Letter Writing Tips #~# While a résumé can display your past work experiences, a cover letter is your chance to show prospective employers who you really are and what you bring to the table. Here are The Onion’s tips for writing a memorable cover letter:
Quick Question: What Am I Supposed To Be Doing Right Now? #~# Two months ago, I stood alongside President Obama as he announced my nomination to the U.S. Supreme Court. Needless to say, it was a great honor. I’ve spent 30 years in public service, and without a doubt, the proudest moment of my career came that day in the White House Rose Garden when the president introduced me as his choice to join the highest court in the land. I remain truly grateful to him for this opportunity, and to all those in my life who helped me get to where I am today.
Pfizer Blocks Use Of Drugs In Executions #~# Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer is imposing new restrictions on its drugs to keep them from being used in lethal injections, saying they object to their role in capital punishment. What do you think?
Woman Had No Idea Participating In 5K Walk Could Be So Unrewarding #~# KENOSHA, WI—After participating in the fundraising event for a local charity this past weekend, area woman Ashley Hyland reported to friends and family Monday that she had no idea competing in a 5K walk could be so unrewarding. “This was my first time doing a race like this, so I was completely unprepared for what an insignificant life experience it turned out to be,” said Hyland, adding that she was blindsided by the underwhelming emotions and utter lack of accomplishment she felt as she crossed the finish line of the 5,000-meter race. “It didn’t really hit me until I was out there doing it when I thought to myself, ‘Wow, this is not in any way giving me a sense of purpose or changing my perspective on life.’ I was really taken aback by how little it all meant. And the thing is, it wasn’t just unrewarding for me—it was unrewarding for so many other people given that I raised just a total of $35 for diabetes research.” Hyland added that the experience of completing a few slow laps around the public park with 2,000 or 3,000 other participants was something she would neglect to remember for the rest of her life.
Florida Sinkhole Reveals Prehistoric Fossils #~# An underwater sinkhole in Florida was found to contain fossils of tools and mastodon bones from 14,550 years ago, suggesting that humans arrived in Florida 1,000 years earlier than previously believed. What do you think?
Mom Wants To Know If The People Who Live In Your Apartment Building Are Nice #~# CHICAGO—Following several inquiries about how you were adjusting to the new place, your mother reportedly wanted to know Monday if the people who live in your apartment building are nice. “So, are the other people that live there nice?” asked your mother, referring to the 134 other tenants currently residing in your eight-story apartment building who you have not spoken a single word to once, even in passing. “You should invite them over sometime. Maybe they could help you put together that new shelf you bought.” At press time, your mother was suggesting that you and the residents of the building’s 91 other units get together this weekend to watch one of those TV shows you like.
New Audubon Report Finds 78% Of Female Birds Sexually Harassed By Stranger Exposing Colorful Plumage #~# NEW YORK—An alarming report released Monday by the National Audubon Society revealed that, during their lifetimes, nearly four of every five female birds will be sexually harassed by complete strangers lewdly exposing their colorful plumage. “We knew that male birds sitting on branches in groups and making obscene calls to passing females was a nearly ubiquitous phenomenon, but the frequency with which unsuspecting avians of egg-producing age are subjected to lurid flourishes of multicolor tail feathers is really quite shocking,” said Katie Ulster, an ornithologist at Columbia University who headed up the survey, which also found that 48 percent of female birds exposed to such unsolicited displays of plumage had barely reached sexual maturity. “Unfortunately, incidences of a young sage grouse or a bird-of-paradise being followed back to her nest, hearing a sudden whistle, and then turning around only to see an array of garish plumes flapping wildly right in her face are all too common.” The report also published the disturbing findings that, after enduring such behavior, many female birds will often mate with their abusers for life.
Senator From Troubled Home State Repeatedly Acting Out In Congress #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing concern over his increasingly combative behavior and refusal to cooperate with others, sources confirmed this week that Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL), who comes from a troubled home state, has been frequently acting out in Congress. “His home state must be a very unhealthy environment, given all the unsettling and sometimes outright hostile things he says,” said Senate Sergeant at Arms Frank J. Larkin, suggesting that perhaps a lack of financial stability or positive mental stimulation in his home state had left him with considerable cognitive and emotional deficits. “He can be all right for a while, but then he’ll attack other members of Congress with little provocation. Sometimes he doesn’t even show up at all. And it seems like every time he goes back to his home state, he just returns here in a worse state of mind and then takes it out by trying to ruin legislation. I feel sorry for him, sure, but at the same time, he’s extremely disruptive.” Several Senate sources said they hoped the conditions in Sessions’ home state improved, admitting that they were worried the troubled 69-year-old would end up in prison.
Mobile App To Revolutionize Way Users Waste Time, Money #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Explaining how their new product expands on successful elements of today’s most popular apps, representatives from Luna Media told reporters Friday that the company’s new mobile app, Relode, is poised to revolutionize the way users waste both their time and money. “With its eye-catching graphics and fun, easy-to-use interface, Relode is going to completely change how consumers fritter away every moment of their free time and accumulate lengthy lists of charges from in-app purchases,” said Luna spokesman Blake Murdoch, adding that the app’s intricate and arbitrary points-earning system is designed to engage customers, making Relode the go-to blowing through hours of one’s day and much of their paycheck. “We encourage users to invite their friends to join Relode, where they can be added to a ‘Team Dashboard’ with even more exciting ways to spend real money in amounts that feel insignificant until their monthly statements arrive. Relode is truly a major step forward in mobile time-squandering technology.” Murdoch added that developers are already looking ahead to an update that will automatically run the app while the user is sleeping.
2-Hour Meeting Spent Thinking Up Hashtag Absolutely Nobody On Planet Earth Will Ever Use #~# SAN DIEGO—Engaging in numerous protracted debates over such factors as character limits and ideal launch dates, employees of local marketing firm InterGauge have spent the last two hours gathered in their conference room to think up a hashtag that absolutely no one on earth will ever use, sources confirmed Thursday. “It has to have click-through appeal for both the 18-to-29 and the 30-to-49 demographic—but above all, it should encapsulate the brand’s story,” said communications director Will Donelan of the promotional hashtag whose supposedly “fun, interactive view of cloud computing solutions” will be neither noticed nor remarked upon by any of the planet’s 7.3 billion inhabitants, all of whom will give precisely zero seconds of their attention to the phrase that was pored over and workshopped by 13 strategists over the course of a 127-minute brainstorming session. “Something short and punchy will really impact users and create meaningful affinity for the campaign. I like the angle of #BigDataBigDreams, but can we maybe distill that to its essence a little more?” At press time, the finalized hashtag, which will generate no social engagement from anyone anywhere in the world at any time, was written in marker on the firm’s white board and emphatically circled by pleased members of the InterGauge marketing team.
Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot #~# BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit. “Everything is going very smoothly so far; we’ve already transferred roughly 30 percent of the president’s memories, cognitive capacities, and emotional traits to the robot avatar,” said head curator Tim Samuelson, who confirmed the process would take up to 19 separate four-hour sessions before Obama’s complete being was transmitted to the mechanized figure, which would reportedly draw on the president’s essential nature as it delivered the same 90-second remarks during each performance of the exhibit’s 20-minute show. “Of course, President Obama will be rendered mentally barren and functionally incapacitated at the moment the consciousness transfer is complete, but his message of national unity and his extraordinary legacy as our first African-American president will live on forever inside his animatronic counterpart, which will be able to use its five mechanical points of articulation and will be able to say ‘Hello, I’m the 44th president of the United States’ and several other phrases with the exact same bearing and assurance as Obama himself.” Samuelson assured reporters that improvements to the upload process will prevent the Obama robot from slowly becoming deranged and then killing dozens of park visitors after mistaking them for Native Americans, as tragically occurred in 1974 with the park’s Andrew Jackson.
‘Frozen’ Fans Demand Gay Character #~# With news of an upcoming sequel to the Disney hit Frozen, many fans have taken to social media to express their hope that writers will clarify Queen Elsa is a lesbian, based on implications of her sexuality in the first film. What do you think?
Signature Wedding Cocktail Provides Guests With Another Thing To Quietly Make Fun Of #~# BAY HARBOR, MI—Joining the venue, decorations, and first-dance song, a signature wedding cocktail served at the reception for newly married couple Jason Klein and Carrie Samuel reportedly provided guests Saturday with yet another thing to quietly make fun of. “Oh man, ‘Jason and Carrie’s Pearadise’—give me a fucking break,” said guest Brian Nelson of the wild-honey vodka and pear juice cocktail, shaking his head and pointing out to several other guests the framed printout at the bar that shared the pretentious backstory of how Klein impressed Samuel early in their relationship by making her maple-pear pancakes. “It says the cocktail perfectly captures Jason’s lively spirit and Carrie’s bubbling personality. Christ, someone’s gotta take a picture of this thing—that’s the dumbest shit ever.” At press time, every single person in the reception hall had found a new aspect of the wedding to privately mock when the best man started speaking about how everyone should be so lucky to find the kind of love Klein and Samuel have.
George Zimmerman Auctions Off Gun Used To Kill Trayvon Martin #~# Saying he considers it a piece of American history, George Zimmerman announced plans to auction off the handgun with which he shot unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin in 2012. What do you think?
Aging Succubus Lowering Standards For Men Ever Since She Turned 40,000 #~# REALM OF DREAMS—Local succubus Eisheth Zenunim, Woman of Whoredom and one of the original three Queens of the Demons, informed reporters Thursday that she has gradually been lowering her standards for the men she seduces and destroys ever since she turned 40,000 years old. “When I was in my 20,000s, I would only entice powerful kings and great warlords as they dreamt, copulating with them over and over and drinking from them their essence until they were nothing more than dried-up, empty hulls—but now that I’m getting older, I’ve had to expand my prospects,” said Eisheth, admitting that, at her age, it was becoming harder and harder to hide her serpentine tail, birdlike claws, and other indicators of her true form behind the illusion of a beautiful young woman. “Nowadays, as long as I find a man who’s holding down a job, even if he’s going bald or is a little overweight, I’m much more open to tempting him while he slumbers, stealing his semen to impregnate mortal women, and eventually draining him of all vitality until he withers into nothing. It’s better than being alone, I guess.” Despite her disappointment with the quality of men she now finds herself visiting ruination upon, Eisheth said she was cautiously optimistic about her next victim, whom she described as “a little boring, but a nice enough guy.”
Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional. “The last time I saw Eric was at graduation about a year ago, but then we met up for beers last week and he was wearing a button-down shirt and mentioning something about having to move meetings around to see me—boy, he got right into that whole thing real fast,” said MacKenzie, noting that the message from his one-time intramural broom hockey co-captain arranging the meetup for drinks contained an appended email signature identifying him as an “Associate.” “After I told him about how I’m trying to decide whether to go back to school for something or maybe apply for an internship, he complained about how he had to give a presentation to some clients. Then he said he could ‘expense’ the meal. I have no idea how he got to this point.” MacKenzie and Sanford are said to have found some common ground, however, when collectively shaking their heads at how their third roommate, Charles, had wasted no time going back to the job at GameStop he had held back in high school.
Trump Sits Down Beside Fire With Quill And Ink For Evening Writing Out Tweets #~# NEW YORK—Retiring to his candlelit study with a hot mug of chamomile tea as he does every night, presidential candidate Donald Trump reportedly sat down beside a crackling fire Thursday with his quill and ink for a long evening of writing out tweets. “Leave my dinner by the door if you would—I need to be alone with my thoughts now,” Trump called to his butler, as he slowly leaned back in his leather armchair, pressed his outstretched index finger to his chin, and quietly contemplated the composition of a tweet critiquing Hillary Clinton’s economic vision for the country, then carefully dipped the goose-feather quill into the inkwell on his desk and scrawled the missive, before abruptly shaking his head, crumpling up the piece of parchment, and tossing it aside. “No, no! Oh, this will never do. The phrasing is wrong, all wrong. Think, Donald, think! You must articulate your thoughts perfectly if you are to truly capture the most misguided elements of Hillary Clinton’s economic agenda and convey the noxious effects they would have on the working class in your tweet.” After nearly an hour of silent rumination, a pleased Trump reportedly scratched out the phrase “Crooked Hillary will be bad for jobs. She has no clue! Sad!” before setting down his quill in peaceful contentment and using his candle snuffer to tamp out his reading light for the evening.
Obama To Visit Hiroshima #~# Barack Obama will be the first U.S. president to visit the Japanese city of Hiroshima, though the White House has clarified that there will be no formal apology issued during his stay for America’s 1945 bombing of the city. What do you think?
Google Proposes Professional Female Emoji #~# Google has submitted a proposal to the Unicode Consortium calling for emoji that depict females in various professional roles, explaining that only male emoji currently represent these occupations and that the new offerings would empower young girls. What do you think?
Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard #~# FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had. “When Allie came by to say that Richard’s shift was over and that she’d be taking care of us now, I could tell immediately that she wasn’t going to ask us how our day’s been going or compliment us on our choice of entrees like Richard did,” said diner Peter Bagnell, wistfully recalling the zeal with which his party’s former server listed off the specials and how at one point, before taking his order, Richard had called him “buddy.” “We get it that she’s doing her job, and yes, she’s bringing out the food and whatnot, but Richard had a twinkle in his eye even when we told him we needed another minute or two to settle on what we wanted—it was clear he really wanted to be here. When Allie comes around to refill the water, you can tell she’s just going through the motions.” Bagnell went on to disparage the fact that Allie had passed right by their table without asking them how their food was tasting, something they asserted Richard “would never have done.”
‘Second Skin’ Could Make Wrinkles Disappear #~# Chemical engineers are testing a polymer that instantly hides wrinkles and blemishes by turning to an elastic film on the body, which then acts like a “second skin” to smooth and protect the skin beneath it. What do you think?
Biologists Discover Billions Of Missing Bees Living Anonymously In Sacramento #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Putting to rest a mystery that has confounded scientists for a decade, a team of biologists from the University of California, Berkeley announced Wednesday that billions of bees believed to have died in recent years were discovered living anonymously in a quiet neighborhood in Sacramento. “Over the years, the scientific community has come up with a number of theories to explain the unusual disappearance of bee populations throughout the world, but it turns out they’ve been in Sacramento the whole time,” said Berkeley Department of Entomology director Lucinda Ronan, who admitted that she and her colleagues had “never thought to look” for the millions of colonies’ worth of flying insects in the sleepy, tree-lined Northern California city and eventually came upon them in an out-of-the-way subdivision entirely by accident. “Our working hypothesis is that they may have been burned out from the incessant task of pollination, or felt too much pressure to produce honey. Regardless, they up and left without any notice, opting for a low-key, simple lifestyle in a nice, peaceful community, completely out of the limelight. It really seems to suit them.” Residents of the unassuming housing development where the bees have evidently lived for the past several years described the immense swarm of insects as “reserved,” “polite,” and dedicated to providing a nice, clean hive for their larvae. 
Krispy Kreme Sold For $1.35 Billion #~# Holding company JAB Beech has purchased donut chain Krispy Kreme for $1.35 billion, the latest acquisition for the company after purchasing Keurig, Peet’s Coffee, and Einstein Bros. Bagels. What do you think?
Tim Duncan Sternly Reminds Spurs About Maximum Occupancy Limit Of Locker Room #~# SAN ANTONIO—Interrupting teammates, coaches, and trainers during their pregame preparations Tuesday evening, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly delivered a stern reminder that the team must adhere to the maximum occupancy limit of their locker room. “The sign on the wall is very clear, guys—the maximum occupancy of this room cannot exceed 50 people, and we are well over that limit right now,” Duncan was overheard saying, adding that if the fire marshal were to walk in and see the group of 54 people in the locker room, the Spurs would be facing a $500 fine for creating a building hazard. “San Antonio Building Code 6-155.2 explicitly states that every person in a recreation facility of this size requires at least six square feet of space, and we have clearly exceeded that. Either four of us need to wait outside from now on, or the locker room needs to be expanded by roughly 24 square feet in order to increase the occupancy limit permitted by law.” At press time, Duncan was frantically attempting to clear all 18,000 fans out of the AT&T Center after realizing that one of the seating sections in the upper deck did not contain the legally required number of fire exits.
U.S. Loses U.N. Membership After Soapy Bo Obama Jumps Up On Secretary-General #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the transgression simply unacceptable as foamy suds dripped onto the floor from his shirtsleeves, Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon reportedly revoked the United States’ membership in the United Nations this afternoon after a soapy, soaking-wet Bo Obama jumped up on the diplomat during a visit to the White House. “OBAMA!” Ban reportedly bellowed at the top of his lungs as the stammering president frantically apologized and wiped frothy white bubbles from the statesman’s face just moments after the Portuguese water dog escaped from a bath that the first lady had been giving him on the South Lawn, ran into the foyer, and shook his lathered, wet fur all over the U.N. leader’s brand-new suit. “This is the last straw, do you hear me? You are off the Security Council, off the International Court of Justice, and out of the United Nations—forever!” At press time, the secretary-general vowed to impose crippling economic sanctions on the U.S. after Bo knocked him to the ground and began licking his face. 
Teacher Empathy Improves Learning #~# Stanford research showed that when teachers moved away from punitive discipline and favored an empathic model of building strong relationships with students, the number of annual suspensions was reduced by half. What do you think?
A Timeline Of Transgender Rights In America #~# A controversial North Carolina bill that would prohibit people from using public bathrooms that do not conform to their biological sex has brought transgender rights into the national spotlight. The Onion presents a timeline of transgender rights in America.
Donald Trump Rift Not What Paul Ryan Needed In Middle Of 14-Day Cleanse #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he was already dealing with low energy and persistent hunger pangs, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters Tuesday his rift with Donald Trump was not at all what he needed right in the middle of a 14-day cleanse. “I’m on day eight of a strict liquid-only regimen, and a feud with my own party’s presumptive presidential nominee is the last thing I could use right now,” said the Wisconsin Republican, who after only consuming water mixed with lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for a week no longer had the mental or physical capacity to try to reach a compromise that would unify his splintering party. “This whole thing was supposed to make me more calm and centered, but now I’ve got to take meetings with everyone in Trump’s camp and come up with a plan to bring all sides together before the general election campaign gets into full swing, all while my blood sugar’s crashing.” At press time, Ryan had reportedly become so aggravated by Trump’s latest statements on tax policy that he needed to blow off steam with an emergency 45-minute Bowflex session.
Study: Average Person’s Life Plan Can Only Withstand 25 Seconds Of Direct Questioning #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study published this week in the American Journal Of Psychology, the average person’s plan for their life is only capable of withstanding 25 seconds of honest, direct questioning before falling apart. “While most individuals’ plans for the future hold together for the first few moments of explanation, we found that by the 20- or 30-second mark, people typically begin trailing off into ambiguity, equivocation, or flat-out silence,” said the study’s lead author, Theresa Colmaryk of American University, adding that most research subjects hit an impassable roadblock after being asked “How are you going to pay for that?” “In about 38 percent of cases, it appeared participants’ aspirations had been subject to so little critical inquiry that the simple exercise of explaining the first step of their plan aloud—be it to purchase a home, to travel extensively, or simply to learn a new skill, like cooking—caused the entire thing to unravel right before their eyes in a period of no more than six or eight seconds.” Colmaryk noted that even after talking themselves into a corner and finding themselves wholly unable to explain how they would achieve their plans, nearly 100 percent of the subjects still expressed confidence they would succeed.
Mysterious Benefactor Leaves Coupon Book To Dozens Of Local Establishments In Man’s Mailbox #~# BARTLETT, TN—Hardly able to believe his good fortune as he opened his mailbox Tuesday, area man Roger Grenville confirmed that a mysterious benefactor, apparently motivated by some virtuous sense of selflessness, had left him a booklet containing dozens of valuable coupons to various local business establishments. “My goodness! Who is this anonymous philanthropist who would take it upon themselves to provide a complete stranger with such a bounty of savings?” said Grenville as he looked with wonder upon the coupon booklet, which was said to include $3 off a large two-topping pizza at Domino’s, 15 percent off flower arrangements, a half-price ceiling fan installation, and numerous other awe-inspiring offers reportedly valued in the dozens of dollars, all of which were generously bestowed completely free of charge upon the local man for him to use at his leisure. “Really, what magnanimous altruist gives their fellow man 25 percent off a new set of all-season tires and then flees into the shadows, seeking no recognition or praise for their act of noble benevolence? Whoever this guardian angel is, I wish to express my heartfelt gratitude for this magnificent and truly unexpected gift.” While admitting he had no way to verify it, Grenville said he suspected the culprit might be the very same compassionate do-gooder who recently left him several identical menus for a local Chinese restaurant.
Deep Voices Evolved To Scare Enemies #~# A new study found that deep male voices elicit a much stronger reaction from fellow males than females, suggesting that a deep register evolved not to attract a mate but to ward off rivals. What do you think?
Carson Wentz Hoping To Just Skip To Part Where He’s Respected Veteran Backup QB #~# PHILADELPHIA—Reflecting on his career aspirations after being selected by the Philadelphia Eagles in the first round of the 2016 NFL Draft, rookie quarterback Carson Wentz admitted to reporters Tuesday that he is simply hoping to skip to the part where he is a respected veteran backup. “Frankly, I’d love to fast-forward to when I’m viewed as an experienced, reliable game manager who could run the offense if the team’s starter goes down,” said Wentz, adding that, after likely spending the next five to eight years bouncing around at least three different organizations, he is looking forward to being praised by commentators as a consummate professional who provides input to coaches and teammates from the sidelines. “Let’s jump to when I’m 31 and getting paid $2 million a year to mentor a young franchise quarterback or provide some competition to a struggling starter during training camp. You know, someone who nobody expects anything from, but who might start the last six games of a season and lead maybe the Dolphins or Chiefs to a wild-card spot before returning to a backup role the next year. I’m ready to be that guy.” Wentz added that he also wouldn’t mind going straight to the years of his life during which he enjoys moderate success as an assistant coach for a small Division II college football team.
Herpes Administered To Invasive Fish #~# The Australian government has announced an $11 million initiative to introduce a certain strain of herpes into their waterways that will kill invasive European carp while keeping humans and native fish populations unharmed. What do you think?
Poll Finds Many Voters Would Support Equally Unlikable Third-Party Candidate #~# WASHINGTON—Reflecting widespread dissatisfaction with the two major parties’ presumptive nominees for president, a Gallup poll released Monday found that a sizable segment of the U.S. electorate would strongly consider supporting an equally unlikable third-party candidate in the general election. “If presented with an equivalently unpleasant and grating alternative to the current frontrunners, it appears that as many as half of all registered voters would be open to casting their ballot for such a detestable outsider,” said Gallup spokesman Harold Ripley, adding that nearly 18 percent of respondents stated definitively that they would support a candidate unaffiliated with either the Republican or Democratic party whose name and face, every time they see it, would similarly cause them to wince in disgust and grow infuriated. “Even this late in the race, it seems there’s still a viable path to the White House for someone—beyond the mainstream parties’ likely nominees—for whom the prospect of seeing them at work in the Oval Office just kind of makes you sick to your stomach.” The poll also revealed that about one in eight U.S. voters would readily back a presidential candidate who was significantly more vile and loathsome than either of the current options.
NYC Protects Pregnant Women’s Right To Drink #~# The Human Rights Commission has declared it illegal for any business to refuse to serve pregnant women despite public health warnings that alcohol can affect a developing fetus, explaining that the decision to drink is a matter of personal autonomy. What do you think?
Michael Phelps’ Fiancée Gives Birth To Healthy 6-Pound Tadpole #~# TEMPE, AZ—Saying that he is “so overjoyed, excited, and thankful,” 18-time Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps announced Sunday that his fiancée has given birth to a healthy 6-pound tadpole. “On behalf of myself and Nicole, I’m thrilled to say that on May 5 at 7:21 p.m., we welcomed a healthy, happy male tadpole, weighing in at 6 pounds and 11 ounces, with a 5-inch tail,” read a statement from Phelps, which was accompanied by a photo of the smiling 30-year-old Olympian holding the newborn in his arms while gently caressing its gills. “Nicole and I are obviously incredibly tired after a lengthy 17-hour hatching, but we’re doing fine and can’t wait to get to know the newest member of our family.” At press time, Phelps’ publicist confirmed that the tadpole is now swimming comfortably with its parents back at the family’s water tank.
Teary-Eyed Student Loan Officers Proudly Watch As $200,000 Asset Graduates From College #~# ATLANTA—Unable to contain their emotion when they heard the account name called aloud by the college provost, a group of teary-eyed Sallie Mae student loan officers proudly looked on Monday as their $200,000 balance sheet asset graduated from Emory University, witnesses confirmed. “It’s been absolutely amazing to watch our revenue stream grow right before our eyes,” said smiling collections officer Robin Black, explaining that, looking at the impressive figure now, she could hardly believe their future series of principal and interest payments was only $50,000 just four years ago. “This is such a big milestone, but to be honest, it’s really just the beginning. We’re all looking forward to seeing how our beloved asset progresses now that it’s going out into the real world. Who knows where it will be 15 years from now?” The student loan officers went on to express their hope that they’d one day be able to see their source of profit go to law school.
Parents’ Password A Grotesque Combination Of Children’s Names, Birthdays #~# EVANSVILLE, IN—Describing the unholy intermixture of letters and numbers as “repulsive” and “utterly vile,” disgusted sources confirmed Monday that the Netflix password of local parents Evan and Jeannine Perkins was a nauseatingly grotesque combination of their children’s names and birthdays. The 19-character code, which swaps out an “S” in their firstborn’s name with a hideous and debasing dollar sign, reportedly alternates at points between upper- and lowercase letters, undulating back and forth in a sickening chain that renders the names “Sophia” and “Ben” wholly unrecognizable. Further reports indicate that after a perverse fusing of the digits in the children’s birth years, the stomach-turning amalgamation terminates with the loathsome and unnatural conjoinment of the family dog’s nickname, mercifully bringing to an end a monstrosity so hideous, it reportedly can only be gazed upon with the characters replaced by a series of concealing asterisks. Sources confirmed that if anything positive could be stated about the unutterable atrocity of a password, it was that it was strong.
Popular New Dating App Just List Of 20 Attractive Singles To Repeatedly Scroll Through #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Promising the most engaging and enjoyable experience of any mobile dating technology, the developers of the popular new app Couplet told reporters Monday their platform consists entirely of a static list of 20 physically attractive singles designed to be scrolled through endlessly. “Whereas other apps constantly refresh their databases with new profiles and pair people up based on mutual interests and attraction, we simply display the same 20 good-looking individuals over and over, none of whom our users can match with or even contact, but whom they can look at all they want,” said Couplet founder Kris Jacobs of the app, which currently has 16 million registered users and is ranked No. 3 on both Apple’s App Store and Google Play, where it has perfect five-star customer ratings. “Clicking on one of the featured singles’ pictures displays more photos of them, and whenever you find someone you like, you can choose to ‘heart’ them, which sends them up to the top of your scrolling queue where you can ‘heart’ them all over again. It’s that easy.” Based on initial feedback, Jacobs said the app would soon be adding an option to have the singles’ photos cycle through continuously without any input from the user.
Chinese Astronomers Inform Beijing Residents Sky Will Be Visible For Rare 2-Minute Window Tomorrow Morning #~# BEIJING—Predicting ideal conditions for the rare sight, Chinese astronomers announced to Beijing residents Monday that the sky would be visible for a brief two-minute window tomorrow morning. “From approximately 6:14 a.m. to 6:16 a.m., a small section of the Earth’s atmosphere should be perceptible to the naked eye when looking towards the southwest in Beijing,” a statement from the China National Space Administration read in part, advising interested citizens to plan on waking early and to consider using a small telescope for better views of the sky. “For anyone who hasn’t seen it before or isn’t sure what to look for, the sky will appear as a small, bluish area that should stand out clearly from its surroundings. We’ll also be streaming the phenomenon live on the official CNSA website for residents with obstructed views in their neighborhood.” The agency added that anyone who missed out on witnessing the occurrence tomorrow would have to wait a while, as the sky was not expected to be visible again until late 2024.
Medical Error Among Leading Causes Of Death #~# Researchers have found that as many as 250,000 Americans could be dying each year from medical error, a cause that should consequently be included in the CDC’s annual list of the leading causes of death. What do you think?
Unregistered Horses Meet Under Cover Of Darkness For Kentucky Street Derby #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Having trotted to an underpass on the outskirts of the city where they were surrounded by numerous entourages and bikini-clad women, over a dozen unregistered horses reportedly met under the cover of darkness Saturday for an illegal Kentucky Street Derby. “We usually meet here to race because it’s out of the way and there’s 12 furlongs of open road, plus nobody around here gives a shit if the horses make a lot of noise,” a jockey who only went by the name “Two-Crop” told reporters, as various riders made last-minute adjustments to their elaborately decorated, neon-painted saddles and blue LED underbody lights, with several thoroughbreds loudly neighing in anticipation of the race. “There’s no fuckin’ around out here. It’s ten thousand cash to enter the race, winner take all. And if you lose, you might have to hand over your filly to the jockey who beat you.” Just as the contestants were lining up behind the hand-drawn chalk outline of a starting gate, a number of mounted police officers descended on the scene, causing the jockeys to quickly jump on their steeds and gallop away in all different directions.
‘Bang, Bang,’ Bored White House Sniper Whispers To Self With Random Tourist’s Head In Crosshairs #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to pass the time while perched atop the White House roof, bored Secret Service sniper Michael Flynn centered his rifle’s crosshairs on a random tourist’s forehead Friday and softly whispered “bang, bang” to himself, sources reported. “We have an active situation—attempting to neutralize threats immediately,” Flynn silently mouthed into his headset microphone while pretending to take down a series of imaginary attackers, including a woman on a bicycle, a White House tour guide, and a family of four posing for photos in front of the North Lawn fountain. “Area secured. The president is safe. That was a close one.” At press time, Flynn was reportedly imagining calling in emergency air support to take out a bus full of sixth-graders on a school field trip.
Report: More Companies Offering Paid Maternity Leave To Mothers Who Complete 3 Months Of Work Ahead Of Time #~# BOSTON—According to a report released Friday by Harvard Business School, more U.S. companies are offering up to 12 weeks of paid maternity leave to mothers who complete three months of work ahead of time. “We strive to be accommodating to our employees as they start families, which is why we’re granting paid time off to any expectant mothers who go on maternity leave having already completed the following 90 days’ worth of their normal tasks and responsibilities,” said Adam Ewert, CEO of Ewert Daniels Consulting, one of the companies mentioned in the report, adding that any women interested in taking advantage of the policy simply had to notify their manager and arrange for their absence by finishing their regular workload as well as all projects and assignments that would be expected in the ensuing financial quarter. “We want to make sure our female employees don’t have to choose between motherhood and their careers, and provided they finish three extra months of reports, send three extra months of emails, and make three extra months of presentations before they have their babies, this policy lets women take the time they need without setting themselves back at the workplace.” The report also found that a rising number of businesses are now offering flexible scheduling to new mothers interested in working for an effectively meaningless fraction of their previous pay.
ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho #~# RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho. “At first, he just seemed kind of quiet, but the more he’s opened up, the clearer it’s become that this guy is kind of a nutcase,” said ISIS spokesperson Abu Mohammad al-Adnani, adding that the group should have noticed earlier that something was really off about the young man based on the deranged things he was writing in his correspondence with recruiters for the Islamist terror group. “He’s been saying lots of really dark stuff lately, and it’s making everyone else uncomfortable. I’ve tried talking to him, like, ‘Hey man, are you all right?’ but it hasn’t done anything. He’s just really creepy. Honestly, it’s gotten to the point where everyone is afraid to go out and do anything alone with him.” ISIS members also expressed concerns that it was only a matter of time until Hassad snapped and did something “super fucked-up.”
Texas To Execute Death Row Inmates With New 3-Drug Molotov Cocktail #~# HUNTSVILLE, TX—In response to a nationwide shortage of the chemicals conventionally used to carry out capital punishment, officials from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates with an experimental new three-drug Molotov cocktail. “Once the inmate has been secured to the execution table, a technician will proceed to dispense precise doses of an anesthetic, a paralytic, and gasoline into an appropriately sized glass liquor bottle,” said TDCJ spokesperson Jane Dawson, adding that, beginning at exactly midnight, prison personnel would follow a prescribed protocol of allowing the offender to state any final words, igniting a butane lighter, and then setting alight an oil-soaked rag stuffed partway into the bottle’s neck. “Finally, barring any last-minute stay from the governor, the technician will commence the procedure by hurling the bottle at a carefully chosen point on the inmate’s body.” Officials further stated that should the initial Molotov cocktail of drugs fail to render the inmate deceased, additional bottles would be administered until he or she is pronounced dead.
Christ Does Soft Return To Gauge Interest #~# TOPEKA, KS—Descending from on high to gather valuable data on His followers’ preferences, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was said to be conducting a soft return this week in hopes of gauging interest in His Second Coming.
‘Project Include’ Tackling Tech’s Diversity Issues #~# A group of eight prominent women in the tech industry have teamed up to create Project Include, a nonprofit that consults with startups to “accelerate inclusion solutions” and gain diversity in the hiring process. What do you think?
Poll: Teens Addicted To Smartphones #~# A new poll found that over half of U.S. teens report feeling “addicted” to their smartphones, with a third of respondents noting daily household arguments over smartphone use. What do you think?
Budget Travel Tips #~# With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending:
Republican Establishment Quietly Relieved Party No Longer Their Responsibility #~# WASHINGTON—Having failed to prevent Donald Trump from securing their party’s presidential nomination despite a deliberate and concerted effort, members of the Republican establishment admitted being quietly relieved Thursday that the GOP was no longer their responsibility. “Boy, we were really struggling there for a bit trying to satisfy our base while delivering a more inclusive message to appeal to nontraditional Republican voters. It was a total headache, so it’s actually pretty nice that it’s completely out of our hands now,” said Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus, adding how glad he was that he no longer had to endure endless meetings about devising optimal policy positions, countering Democrats’ messaging, or developing a general-election strategy. “There were a few things we’d been working on, like trying to get a comprehensive immigration reform plan together, which I’m upset we won’t get to see through. But to be honest, that would’ve been a ton of work to pull off. The party was getting to be a real handful, anyway, so it’s way less stressful to just sit back and know that, whatever happens from here on out, it’s not on us.” Priebus acknowledged to reporters that, although he and the rest of the Republican establishment planned on regaining control of the party after a likely Trump loss in the general election, he actually wouldn’t mind being free from overseeing the GOP for the next four or eight years.
Trump Supporter Still Planning On Rioting At National Convention Anyway #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Local Donald Trump supporter David Kearney informed reporters Thursday that, although his preferred candidate had already effectively secured the GOP nomination for president, he still planned on rioting at the Republican National Convention anyway. “I guess there’s not going to be a contested convention thing, but I definitely still want to head over to Cleveland and smash some stuff,” said Kearney, adding that regardless of how many delegates Trump amassed, he planned to show up outside Quicken Loans Arena with a baseball bat on July 18 ready to take out a considerable amount of aggression. “One way or another, I’m going to spend the day yelling at and attacking anyone who crosses my path. I already had my heart set on picking up a garbage can and chucking it through a window, and this doesn’t change a thing. I’ve been looking forward to raising hell in the streets for months.” Kearney admitted, however, that it would be nice to be able to simply relax and enjoy setting a police car on fire without having to worry about whether or not Trump would be the Republican nominee.
13-Year-Old Excited To Learn Unemployed Older Brother Forced To Move Back Home After College #~# GAHANNA, OH—Talking about how fun it will be to “hang out like old times,” local 13-year-old Joey Watkins expressed excitement Thursday upon learning his older brother, who in the current job market has found no prospects for employment, has no choice but to move back home after college.
Kennedy Space Center Displays Suit Worn By Buzz Aldrin While Lobbying For NASA Funding #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Expressing their excitement to share the historic item with visitors, Kennedy Space Center officials confirmed Thursday that the suit worn by Buzz Aldrin on February 24, 2015 when he lobbied the Senate to increase NASA funding was now on display for public viewing. “We are honored to add to our collection the actual jacket and trousers Dr. Aldrin wore that fateful day when he stepped out into room 253 of the Russell Senate Office Building and uttered the immortal words ‘I wish to thank the committee for the opportunity to speak with you about the future of American human spaceflight,’” the facility’s associate director, Kelvin Manning, said of the charcoal single-breasted suit, which was displayed together with the crisp button-down shirt, mission patch–patterned tie, and various lapel pins the former astronaut donned as he made the case for expanding the U.S. space program through strategic investments. “This garment not only witnessed an important chapter in NASA history, but was also crucial to maintaining Aldrin’s body temperature in the cold, harsh conditions in the Senate committee chamber for two nail-biting hours.” In addition to the suit, the exhibit is also said to feature an interactive timeline explaining how, after the successful hearing, Aldrin returned safely to his vehicle.
‘Hamilton’ Sweeps Tony Nominations #~# The nominees for the 70th annual Tony Awards were announced Tuesday, in which hit musical Hamilton swept the categories with 16 nominations, breaking the previous records set by The Producers and Billy Elliot in 2001 and 2009, respectively. What do you think?
Conclusion Of Draft Marks Last Time Coach To Ever Scrutinize Player’s Character #~# CHICAGO—Following the 21-year-old linebacker’s selection in the sixth round, reports confirmed Thursday that the conclusion of the 2016 NFL Draft marked the final time that linebacker Lawrence Davies’ character will ever be scrutinized by his new head coach. According to reports, after the team spent months compiling a pre-draft file that included a background check and a comprehensive outline of personality traits and potential character issues, the moment when Davies’ name was announced on the draft stage represented a culmination of the short-lived period wherein his coach showed interest in closely examining the defensive player’s personal life and off-the-field activities. Sources familiar with the situation revealed that the conclusion of the draft process also signified a definitive end to any coach or trainer thinking critically about Davies’ upbringing, his family, his friends, his romantic relationships, his drinking habits, and the general demeanor with which he interacts with other people in any non-football-related setting. As soon as the former college player penned his name on a four-year rookie contract, not a single person on the coaching staff—nor anyone working in the team’s front office—reportedly felt the need to continue watching Davies for potential warning signs of troublesome behavior in the future, with the organization now taking anything he tells them completely at face value. At press time, sources also confirmed that the end of the draft also signaled the last time that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will think of Davies as anything but a totally replaceable commodity.
Journalism Style Tips #~# Brought to you by Netflix
Tour Guide Always Builds In 10 Minutes For Everyone In Group To Mount Cannon Like Horse #~# TICONDEROGA, NY—Explaining that there is simply no way of getting around it, Fort Ticonderoga guide Peter McGillion told reporters Wednesday he now builds at least 10 additional minutes into each of his tours for everyone in the group to mount one of the historical site’s cannons like a horse. “The tour is supposed to be two hours, but I usually shorten the last story about Ethan Allen and the Green Mountain Boys so they have time to take pictures of themselves straddling one of the 15-foot cannons,” said McGillion, adding that if he is leading a particularly large group, he’ll even speed up the demonstration of how palisades are built in order to ensure there is enough time for everyone to take a few shots of their friends or families sitting in a row along the barrel. “It’s tricky, but the more tours you do, the better you get at estimating how long you’ll need for the cannon stop. I’ve actually tried starting with the cannon, but then everything else seems like a letdown after that.” McGillion also stated that, rather than cut anything from the tour, he’ll usually squeeze in a few anecdotes about Benedict Arnold as the group’s teenage boys take turns posing like the cannon is their erect penis.
Nation Was Kind Of Hoping For Different Outcome When Concerned Citizens Came Together To Make Voices Heard #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that this wasn’t exactly what they had in mind, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday they were kind of hoping for a different outcome when so many concerned citizens came together to make their voices heard. “It’s great to see millions of disaffected Americans participating in the political process, but to be honest, I was thinking that all the civic engagement would lead to something truly inspirational, or at the very least pragmatic,” said Baltimore resident Annie Fletcher, echoing a widely shared belief among the general populace that Americans flocking to the primary polls in record numbers would have resulted in some sort of positive difference that would, even if only in a small way, change the nation for the better. “With so many people worried about our nation’s future and passionate about changing the status quo of politics, I guess I just imagined that such a broad outpouring of political interest and participation would be put toward solving problems, not, you know, this. But I guess not.” The nation later admitted feeling a deep sense of dread about what would happen if even more concerned Americans decide to make their voices heard in the general election.
Cruz, Kasich Exit Race #~# Remaining Republican candidates Ted Cruz and John Kasich have both exited the presidential race after frontrunner Donald Trump’s strong showing in last night’s Indiana primary, paving the way for Trump’s presumptive nomination. What do you think?
Report: Well, Here We Go #~# WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go. “So I guess that’s that—we’re off and running here,” said Oregon resident Carl Jacobs, raising his eyebrows and drawing in a deep breath as he echoed the sentiments of millions of Americans across the country who confirmed there’s no turning back now following the real estate mogul’s decisive victory in Indiana and that, boy, this is really just the beginning when you think about it. “The train has left the station, and we are on our way. I guess we just go with it and hold on tight.” Additional reports confirmed that, yeah, better strap in, because—wow—this is actually happening. 
Assault Rifle In Iraq Losing Track Of How Many Times It’s Switched Sides During War #~# TAL AFAR, IRAQ—Admitting it had stopped counting after the first dozen or so occasions upon which it passed from one fighting force to another, an American-made M4 carbine assault rifle confirmed Wednesday it was losing track of how many times it had switched sides during the ongoing war in Iraq.
Senator Can’t Believe He Has To Come In On A Wednesday #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the obligation “a total pain in the ass,” Sen. Jerry Moran (R-KS) told reporters at the U.S. Capitol this morning that he couldn’t believe he had to come in on a Wednesday. “This is such a load of bullshit. How can they expect me to show up right in the middle of the week like this?” said the senator, adding that he had been forced to alter his usual schedule in order to arrive at work by the “ungodly hour” of 11:30 a.m. “What’s even more annoying is that I had to cancel my plans today. I swear to Christ, if they try to make me come in tomorrow, I’ll just fucking quit.” An indignant Moran later confirmed that he was going home immediately after his normal three-hour lunch.
Woman Sues Starbucks Over Amount Of Ice In Drinks #~# A Chicago woman has filed a $5 million lawsuit against the Starbucks Corporation claiming false advertising of 24-ounce iced drinks that allegedly only contain 14 ounces of liquid. What do you think?
Thousands Of Cheering Americans Packed Into Park For Ted Cruz Concession Speech #~# HOUSTON—Gathering to celebrate a milestone that many throughout the country had long eagerly awaited, an estimated 150,000 cheering citizens packed into a public park in downtown Houston Wednesday night to hear Ted Cruz confirm his campaign for president of the United States was over, sources reported.
Couple Spends Morning At Farmers Market Verbalizing Everything That Comes Into Field Of Vision #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Strolling past vendors selling local produce, meats, baked goods, and more, married couple Reese and Beth Shaw spent their morning at the farmers market stating the names of all the things that entered their field of vision, witnesses confirmed Sunday. “Strawberry jam, spinach, some nice-looking asparagus,” said the pair, whose successful enunciation of the names of objects reportedly went on to include cilantro, Vidalia onions, eggs, three types of danishes, twine-wrapped lavender soaps, various dairy products, flowers, a large wooden bushel basket, fresh roasted coffee, and several artisanal varieties of balsamic vinegar. “Oooh, clover honey. More honey. Look—mushrooms!” The couple was later seen walking away from the farmers market, recalling aloud to one another all the various things that had passed through their field of vision just moments earlier.
Iconic Iwo Jima Photo Under Investigation #~# Two historians have presented evidence suggesting that one soldier in the iconic 1945 photo Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima might have been incorrectly identified, a claim the Marine Corps is now investigating. What do you think?
Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin #~# INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.
Facebook’s Plans For The Future #~# From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant:
Malia Obama Selects Harvard, Opts For Gap Year #~# First daughter Malia Obama has committed to Harvard University but will first take a gap year to draw less attention to her eventual attendance and focus on the final months of her father’s presidency. What do you think?
Woman Deriving Some Sort Of Sick Pleasure From Healthy New Diet, Lifestyle #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Admitting they were at a total loss to understand or explain the bizarre behavior, acquaintances of local woman Katie Hamblin told reporters Friday that the 27-year-old seems to derive some sort of sick, twisted pleasure from her healthy new diet and lifestyle. “When Katie told me she’d started eating more vegetables and whole grains, avoiding sugar, and exercising for at least 30 minutes each day, there wasn’t any unhappiness or irritation or anything in her voice—she was actually excited to tell me about it,” said friend Patricia Doyle, explaining that Hamblin must wring some kind of perverse satisfaction out of the tedious, time-consuming routine of engaging in sustained physical activity and crafting and consuming balanced meals. “Frankly, I can’t believe she goes around openly talking about how much she enjoys snacking on fresh fruits or how far she ran the previous day. It’s messed up. And the way she so casually mentioned that she’s thinking of taking a cycling class? Disgusting.” Doyle went on to note that despite Hamblin’s repeated invitations to go hiking, there was no way she was getting pulled into her friend’s grotesque sense of joy and fulfillment.
Playground Injuries On The Rise #~# Analyzing 12 years of data, researchers have found that playground-related injuries have risen significantly in the last decade, with nearly 30,000 children receiving treatment for concussion symptoms in 2013. What do you think?
Premier League On Leicester City Title: ‘Order Will Soon Be Restored’ #~# LONDONーShortly after Leicester City’s improbable title run culminated in the club clinching their first championship, executives from the Premier League issued a statement Sunday vowing that order will soon be restored. “We would like to inform fans of the Barclays Premier League that steps will be taken to ensure the traditional paradigms are reestablished in time for the 2016-2017 season,” read the statement in part, which did not go on to offer any specifics regarding the measures it referenced, but did stress that a reversion to the league’s long-held competitive hierarchy would be “swift and permanent.” “This is an immediate priority that has our full commitment, and as such, we are willing to spend any and all requisite resources to guarantee a return to what is expected and acceptable. Until that is achieved, we will offer no further comment.” Just hours after the statement’s publication, the Premier League released the 2016-2017 season schedule, which reportedly indicated that Arsenal, Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool, and Manchester City will each play 38 home games.
Extra Leicester Police Being Deployed To Join In With Celebrating Leicester City Fans After Title Win #~# LEICESTER, ENGLAND—In anticipation of the club’s first-ever top-flight league championship in its 132-year history, officials from the Leicestershire Police announced Monday that they have deployed additional forces in order to join in with Leicester City fans celebrating their Premier League title. “Given the massive turnout we are expecting, we have significantly increased our police presence so that we are able to really enjoy Leicester’s league championship together with all the fans,” said chief constable Simon Cole, adding that several additional units of officers, who will be outfitted with team scarves and replica jerseys, will be strategically positioned at various points throughout the city to spray beer bottles and sing team chants alongside thousands of Leicester City supporters. “We will also have horse-mounted patrols to lift up team banners, as well as officers driving police cars through the most congested streets while honking their horns and leaning out their windows screaming ‘Champions!’ If celebrations start to get out of hand, we will be right there to join in, climb up traffic lights, and go completely nuts. C’mon you Foxes!” At press time, numerous police units had rushed to the scene after several officers requested immediate backup to help turn over a parked car and jump on top of it.
Disappointing Prince Vaults Found To Contain 37,000 Hours Of Billy Joel Covers #~# CHANHASSEN, MN—Ending rampant speculation regarding the extent of the late musician’s catalogue of unreleased recordings, the executors of Prince’s estate announced Monday that the performer’s famed vault in his Paisley Park residence sadly contains 37,000 hours of Billy Joel covers. “Prince was constantly creating throughout his career, and after finally accessing his vast trove of previously unheard music, we now know that he produced over 40,000 albums’ worth of material that is, unfortunately, made up entirely of songs originally recorded by Billy Joel,” said attorney L. Londell McMillan, reluctantly admitting that Prince had produced at least 9,000 hours of “Uptown Girl” covers alone. “We regrettably found a slowed-down, 40-minute version of ‘Scenes From An Italian Restaurant’ from the late 1980s, as well as a melodic vocal-only version recorded more recently—and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It appears he was still recording pulsing, guitar-driven covers of ‘She’s Always A Woman’ up until his death. Tragically, we could be hearing new Prince tracks covering Billy Joel classics for decades to come.” Dejected executors went on to announce they had discovered Prince’s private journals containing hundreds of pages of additional, updated verses to “We Didn’t Start The Fire.”
The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year #~# Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:
God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers #~# THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers. “Aw, jeez, where are they? I need those things!” said the Lord, cursing Himself out for having been so careless with the velvet satchel containing the seven gemstones that endow Him with omniscience, immortality, control over weather, and a number of other divine abilities. “I’ve kept those damn crystals right by my side every day since I found them a few hundred millennia ago, and now I don’t know where in the hell they could be. I can’t perform a single miracle without them, much less rule over all the kingdoms of the Earth. Come on!” At press time, God reportedly appeared relieved upon realizing He had left them in the pocket of His other robe.
Phillie Phanatic Inducted Into Italian American Sports Hall Of Fame #~# CHICAGO—Honoring his many achievements both on and off the field throughout his glittering career, the Phillie Phanatic was officially inducted Monday into the National Italian American Sports Hall of Fame. “For 28 years, the Phanatic has excelled at the highest level of professional baseball while also embodying the ideals and values of the Italian-American community, and it is our great pleasure to welcome him into the Hall of Fame Class of 2016,” NIASHF director George Randazzo said during a ceremony at the organization’s museum where a bronze bust of the green-furred creature was permanently installed between portraits of boxer Arturo Gatti and University of Connecticut women’s basketball coach Geno Auriemma. “The Phanatic began his career at a time when ugly stereotypes of Italians still lingered in our society, but with grace, courage, and skill, he preserved and represented his heritage with distinction, all while paving the way for the next generation of Italian Americans who may wish to follow in his footsteps. We at the National Italian American Sports Hall of Fame are extremely proud to call the Phillie Phanatic one of our own.” According to sources, the induction comes just months after Cambridge Rindge and Latin School in Massachusetts renamed its gymnasium after the Phanatic to honor his outstanding high school career.
Report: 750,000 Americans Die Each Year During First Attempt To Get Back In Shape #~# WASHINGTON—According to an alarming report published Monday in the Journal Of Applied Physiology, three quarters of a million Americans die annually during their first attempt to get back in shape. “We found that, each year, about 225,000 out-of-shape Americans collapse and perish within the first three minutes of attempting to start jogging again, with most typically not making it to the end of their own block,” said study co-author Kathy Lyons, adding that a further 60,000 Americans who decide to improve their health by swimming laps succumb to overexertion every year and sink to the bottom of the pool and drown after just a few strokes. “Perhaps most troubling, our data show that 60 percent of Americans who commit to regaining their former level of physical fitness by hiring a personal trainer at a gym drop dead almost instantly during their first abdominal crunch. And another 30 percent die while stretching before they even begin their workout.” The study further noted that, of the Americans who managed to survive their first attempt at exercise in years, nine in 10 suffered from debilitating pain for the rest of their lives.
University Criticized For Cheerleading Posters #~# The cheer and dance team at the University of Washington has removed heavily criticized posters that diagram the “tryout look” for aspiring cheerleaders, encouraging an athletic physique and “beachy glow” but warning against ponytails and tattoos. What do you think?
Man Not Sure Why Girlfriend Having Him Hang Cluster Of Empty Picture Frames But Willing To Go With It #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—After receiving the mystifying task of hanging an array of nine empty picture frames of various sizes on the couple’s living room wall Thursday, local man Jake Montalvo reportedly admitted that while he wasn’t sure where his girlfriend, Celeste Ladd, was headed with this idea, he was at least willing to go along with it. “Is this kind of what you were thinking?” asked the man tentatively while positioning the frames in a straight line, prompting laughter and a swift correction from Ladd as he struggled to comprehend her puzzling vision. “Oh, like, all together in a bunch? With the little red one down there? Uh, okay, I guess.” At press time, Ladd directed Montalvo’s attention to an old, weathered tin box, which he deduced was either garbage she wanted him to throw away or a central decorative element in some master plan that he was still straining to unravel.
Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison. “When the new creek is completed in 2018, it will not only be the fastest tributary in the nation, but also a vital conduit for the quick and efficient transport of leaves, small sticks, and light sediment through the poorly drained western Vermont rural corridor,” said Jewell, who noted that the cutting-edge, streamlined creek would flow at nearly twice the rate of the nation’s network of outdated and meandering brooks. “With a span of nearly 8 feet between banks and water that’s upwards of knee-deep, this creek will be unlike anything you currently see crossing the country, and will all but eliminate the problem of fallen branch congestion. This is an important first step in catching up to the modern, ultra-fast creeks seen in highly advanced Asian countrysides.” While favored by the Obama administration, high-speed creeks have been criticized by a number of experts as poor investments better suited for the smaller backcountries of Europe and Japan, with many arguing that America’s abundance of vast open expanses meant the Interior Department should instead focus its energies on improving and facilitating the nation’s gusts.
Cats Understand Laws Of Physics #~# In a recent experiment, cats were shown to register surprise when a box that rattled when shaken was overturned to reveal nothing inside, leading scientists to conclude that cats use logic and rudimentary knowledge of physics to assess the world around them. What do you think?
Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie. “I have every detail laid out in my head, from all the subtle nuances of the film’s protagonist who Paramount executives will deem too complex and unlikable and demand I edit into a bland two-dimensional caricature, to the precise staging of key plot-building sequences that I’ll be forced to cut in their entirety due to length concerns,” said Stanton, who acknowledged he has spent more than a year envisioning every bit of dialogue of the hostile exchanges he will have with top studio brass regarding budgeting and script rewrites. “I already have a well-known actor in mind who some businessperson is going to insist I cast despite the fact that he’s totally wrong for the role. And I can break down any scene in the movie and tell you exactly, shot by shot, how I’ll be instructed to refilm it.” Stanton added that if production goes as anticipated, his immense frustration and disappointment should be ready for public release some time next year.
Tips For Handling Social Anxieties #~# Millions of Americans find social settings uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing. The Onion provides some tips for dealing with social anxiety:
Man Driving While Making YouTube Video To Explain How PC Culture Destroying America #~# CORYDON, KY—Glancing back and forth between the road ahead of him and the camera that was apparently mounted on his dashboard, local man Ron Saganash was reportedly driving around in his car Wednesday while he made a YouTube video denouncing the “toxic politically correct culture” that he said is destroying America. “Hey guys, Ron S., a.k.a. Nash-1776, here checking in again, and I just want to take a moment today and break down why this country is falling apart,” said Saganash, who then sharply criticized the media for being too scared to “call things what they are” while turning his head several times to check his blind spot, before explaining as a tractor-trailer visibly passed by behind him that elected officials who refuse to use the word “jihad” are putting Americans’ lives at risk. “Look, it’s not health care or income inequality or so-called climate change we need to worry about—it’s this PC bullshit. Maybe we should stop worrying about whether we’re hurting Muslims’ feelings and instead keep an eye on them to find out which ones want to attack our country.” Saganash’s later series of arguments supporting his claim that “gays and feminazis” are trying to rewrite the Constitution was reportedly rendered largely inaudible by the continuous sound of his left blinker.
‘Five-Second Rule’ Disproven #~# Though urban myth dictates that spilled food is safe to eat if retrieved within five seconds, scientists have recently disproven this “five-second rule,” explaining that contamination isn’t determined by the length of time food spends on the ground, but rather the amount of bacteria present on the floor. What do you think?
Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand #~# BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday. “I like Snyder’s pretzels best,” said the 45-year-old electric company account manager, bolstering his assertion by stating that the particular brand’s products “just taste better.” “I don’t like Rold Gold. Rold Golds don’t crunch as much. I always get Snyder’s.” Carlisle then concluded his statement with uncharacteristic equivocation, attesting that he had no preference between the mini pretzels and the square ones that are like little waffles.
Robot Programmed To Feel Pain #~# German researchers have designed a robot that can “feel pain” such as intense heat or pressure and then retract from the danger, a capability intended to protect the robot from harm just like the pain response in humans. What do you think?
70% Of Earth Can’t See Milky Way #~# Scientists estimate that 70 percent of the earth is incapable of viewing the Milky Way in the night sky due to light pollution that casts a haze over the stars. What do you think?
Hillary Clinton Bowls Over Catcher To Score Winning Run In Campaign Staff Softball Game #~# NEW YORK—Refusing to be denied victory by the 22-year-old intern blocking home plate, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton bowled over the opposing team’s catcher to score the winning run in her campaign staff’s softball game Sunday, sources confirmed.
Black Mark On Birth Control Manufacturer’s Record Weighs In At 7 Pounds, 6 Ounces #~# LONG BEACH, CA—At approximately 7:05 a.m. Monday, sources at St. Mary Medical Center confirmed that local woman Deliah Zahn gave birth to a healthy black mark on the record of Bayer—manufacturer of the birth control pill Yaz—weighing in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces. “I’m pleased to report the labor and delivery went smoothly, and that both mother and [notable blemish on the efficacy of the widely trusted oral contraceptive] are getting some much-needed rest,” said Dr. Patricia Nguyen, who noted that, aside from some mild jaundice, the glaring evidence of the drug’s failure was completely healthy. “I don’t think we’ll need to keep them here for more than another 24 hours. I’m sure the new parents are excited to get back home and start spending time with their [instance falling within the less than 1 percent of cases in which the pill’s active ingredients are unable to prevent pregnancy].” At press time, sources confirmed that Zahn and her husband had decided to name the exceedingly rare—but still statistically possible—accident “Sophia.”
Queen Elizabeth Screaming At Stockbroker To Dump Everything #~# LONDON—Following the United Kingdom’s historic vote to exit the European Union, sources confirmed that Queen Elizabeth II spent Friday frantically screaming at her stockbroker to dump everything. “Just get rid of whatever we have—right now, goddammit!” said Her Royal Highness, who reportedly slammed her fist against a 16th-century desk while shouting at her broker over the phone. “There’s no time, so dump the whole fucking portfolio—all of it—on anybody who will take it. Just hurry the fuck up and do it!” At press time, after speaking with several financial advisors, Queen Elizabeth had gathered the rest of the Royal Family together to inform them they will have to cut back by eliminating servants and start pitching in more around Buckingham Palace.
Americans Confused By System Of Government In Which Leader Would Resign After Making Terrible Decision #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of Prime Minister David Cameron’s announcement that he would leave office following the United Kingdom’s vote to exit the European Union, tens of millions of Americans expressed their confusion to reporters Friday about a system of government in which a leader would resign after making a terrible decision. “Wait, so he made a really awful choice with far-reaching negative consequences and now he’s just stepping down to let someone else take over? What?” said Colorado Springs, CO resident Evan Austin, echoing the sentiments of citizens across the United States who were left struggling to understand why a democratically elected head of government would relinquish control simply because they had been shown to have made a spectacularly bad judgment call. “So he jeopardized the future of his country, and instead of spending the next several years remaining in power while trying to paper over his mistakes, he’s just gone? Where’s the part where he denies any wrongdoing or tries to blame somebody else? This is absolutely crazy.” The American public noted, however, that they completely understood the part where voters who had made a demonstrably terrible decision continued to double down on it.
Britain Votes To Leave EU #~# In a narrow split, Britain has voted to leave the European Union, with Prime Minister David Cameron announcing his resignation and the value of the British pound plummeting to levels not seen since 1985. What do you think?
Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
Trump Raises $50 Million At Fundraiser Where GOP Donors Get To Watch Him Weep For 2 Hours #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to bolster his campaign war chest after reporting historically low levels of cash on hand heading into July, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly raised $50 million at a Thursday night fundraiser dinner in which GOP donors were given the chance to watch him weep for two consecutive hours. “Witnessing Mr. Trump stand hunched over at the dais as tears began streaming down his flushed, contorted face made for a truly wonderful evening, and it was an opportunity I simply could not pass up,” said billionaire industrialist David Koch, a longtime Republican donor who was reportedly one of 200 campaign contributors who paid $250,000 a plate to see the distraught GOP nominee break down into a fit of heavy sobs and occasional moans over the course of 120 minutes in the Grand Ballroom of the Mayflower Hotel. “I know there was incredible demand for tickets to this event, and personally, I would have been willing to pay twice as much as I did to hear him sniffling as he wiped away the tears from his eyes before burying his face in his hands. This was easily the most enjoyable political fundraising event I have attended in decades.” Sources confirmed the campaign is also planning on offering donors who contribute over $5 million the chance to eat dinner alone with Donald Trump while he chokes on a steak.
Facebook Pays $50 Million For Live Celebrity Videos #~# The Wall Street Journal reports that Facebook paid $50 million in contracts to 140 celebrities and publishers such as CNN, Deepak Chopra, and Gordon Ramsay to post videos to Facebook Live, a feature that keeps users engaged with the site longer. What do you think?
The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action #~# Since the 1960s, Americans have regularly debated the merits of policies favoring members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action:
Jaguar Killed In Olympic Torch Relay #~# A female jaguar that was part of an Olympic torch relay ceremony in Rio de Janeiro was shot dead after pulling free from her handlers and attacking a soldier, behavior likely induced by the stress of the chaotic environment. What do you think?
The Case For And Against The U.K. Leaving The E.U. #~# British voters will decide Thursday whether the U.K. should remain a member of the European Union. Here are the leading arguments for and against the U.K. leaving the E.U.:
Cash-Strapped Trump Forced To Replace Eric Trump With Cheap Migrant Son #~# NEW YORK—With his presidential campaign facing a historic funding shortfall that has left it with only $1.3 million on hand, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump was reportedly forced to reduce costs this week by replacing Eric Trump with a cheap migrant son. “In order to keep this campaign running smoothly, I had to find some ways to cut back on expenses, which is why I’ve made the tough but necessary decision to part ways with Eric and bring on Javier as my third-born child,” said Trump at a morning press event, placing his hand on the shoulder of the suit-clad 32-year-old Mexican immigrant while explaining that his newly appointed son, who recently arrived in the U.S. without documentation or a work visa, would assume his former son’s place in the family as the younger brother to Donald Jr. and Ivanka. “Eric has been a very good son and done some great work on this campaign, but the fact is that we need to make some adjustments. By replacing him with Javier, I’m getting a good, hardworking, loyal son at a fraction of the cost. It’s a win-win. Plus, Javier loves being here—you can tell he’s so grateful just to have the opportunity to be a Trump.” The presidential candidate added that although he appreciated Javier’s productivity and work ethic, there would likely be no place for him in the Trump family after the migrant son’s seasonal election work ends in November.
Sitting Inside Cardboard Box The Safest 6-Year-Old Will Feel For Remainder Of Life #~# TOLEDO, OH—Describing how the child entered a state of complete mental serenity free from any stress or anxiety as soon as he closed the flaps of the large shipping carton over him, sources confirmed Thursday that sitting inside his cardboard box is the safest local 6-year-old Kyle Wolfe will feel for the remainder of his life. “Countdown to blastoff,” said the child, who reportedly will not experience a greater sense of security, comfort, or self-assuredness during the next seven decades than he does right now sitting cross-legged between the crayon-covered corrugated walls of his pretend spaceship. “Hold on tight. Let’s explore outer space..” At press time, Wolfe’s father was reportedly tossing the flattened cardboard box into the recycling.
Retailers Routinely Overcharging For Bridal Wear #~# It was recently found that retailers charge 3.9 times as much for white dresses designated as “bridal” gowns, a markup that designers defend as a matter of fabric and quality but that others decry as dishonest marketing. What do you think?
NYC To Require Access To Free Tampons #~# A proposal approved by New York lawmakers this week will require schools, homeless shelters, and jails to provide free tampons and sanitary pads to women in order to alleviate the financial strain of menstruation. What do you think?
Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot #~# NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed. “We’re inviting our supporters to join Donald for an afternoon of violent shoving, enraged chanting, and throwing sucker punches, with all proceeds going toward our efforts to make America great again,” said Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort, explaining that the event included a $50-a-head clash with protesters in the parking lot outside the Prudential Center, where complimentary rocks and glass bottles to throw would be provided. “Gold-level supporters who give over $500 to the campaign will have a reserved spot inside the vicious, uncontrollable scrum in the arena, where they can enjoy brawling with others or screaming racial slurs at the various minorities who will be on hand throughout the event. And our platinum-level donors—those who pledge over $1,000—will be given exclusive access to the press section, where they can knock a camera out of a photographer’s hand or slam a reporter of their choice to the ground. It’s sure to be a lively event.” At press time, the campaign had surpassed its goal of raising $5 million, leading Trump’s advisors to organize a fundraising Molotov cocktail hour outside a Hillary Clinton rally to be held later this week.
Reince Priebus Smiles, Shakes Head While Flipping Through Old Briefing On GOP’s Plans For 2016 #~# WASHINGTON—Breaking into a smile as he read the words “inclusiveness” and “young voters,” RNC chairman Reince Priebus couldn’t help but shake his head in amusement Wednesday while flipping through an 18-month-old briefing on the Republican Party’s plans for the 2016 election, sources reported. “Oh man, I completely forgot we came up with this whole 20-point program for how we would appeal to Latinos,” said Priebus, chuckling to himself as he thought back on the two years’ worth of meetings that resulted in a detailed strategy of embracing immigration reform, countering the Democrats’ “war on women” rhetoric, and running on a “positive agenda” of hope and tolerance, which he and other GOP leaders had calculated would put their party’s candidate on the best possible footing for this year’s presidential contest. “Wow, and there are our favorable assessments of Jeb Bush and Scott Walker! Boy, oh boy, that really takes me back. You know, all things considered, this was a pretty solid plan for taking back the White House. Oh well.” Priebus went on to state that the briefing wasn’t a complete waste, noting that the section on enacting voting restrictions to subdue minority turnout was still fully usable.
Trump’s Potential VP Picks #~# Here is a guide to presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election:
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team #~# HOUSTON—Calling it a privilege to work in such a dynamic and collaborative environment, NASA social media manager Dustin Greer, 26, told reporters Wednesday he considers himself fortunate to be a part of the space agency’s team.
Apple Opposes Bill Protecting Users’ ‘Right To Repair’ #~# Tech giant Apple is lobbying to kill a bill called the Fair Repair Act that would require smartphone manufacturers to publicly post repair instructions and make replacement parts available for users to purchase, an environmentally friendly change that would reduce the number of disposed phones. What do you think?
Free Meals Sway Doctors To Prescribe More Name Brands #~# Federal databases showed that doctors treated to meals by pharmaceutical reps were more likely to prescribe name-brand medications, a concerning implication for patients who save significantly on generic prescriptions. What do you think?
Frustrated Nation Out Of Ideas To Solve Gun Violence Problem Except For All The Obvious Ones #~# WASHINGTON—Unsure of what to do after the Senate rejected several gun control measures Monday in the wake of the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history, frustrated Americans reported Tuesday they were completely out of ideas to solve the nation’s gun violence problem except for all the obvious ones. “I feel like there’s absolutely nothing we can do to stop these killings from happening over and over except for all the first things you’d think of,” said San Jose, CA resident Megan Ortiz, echoing the sentiments of tens of millions of her fellow citizens who were uncertain how to prevent such tragedies from happening again in the future aside from the most basic, common-sense solutions that immediately come to mind whenever a mass shooting occurs. “Trying to stop people who are most likely to commit mass shootings from getting the device needed to commit mass shootings didn’t work, and trying to ban the type of instrument that makes these mass shootings so easy to carry out also didn’t go anywhere. Beyond those glaringly apparent answers, I’m really drawing a blank on what we could possibly do.” At press time, the American people had reportedly resigned themselves to the conclusion that no solution—except for several that 90 percent of them all agreed on—existed, and simply went on with their days without giving the issue any further thought.
Tearful Gun Manufacturers Thankful They All Made It Out Of Massacre Safely #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing their immense relief at their good fortune, the nation’s gun manufacturers tearfully told reporters Tuesday they were thankful to have made it out of the Orlando massacre safely. “It’s truly a miracle that all of us got through this okay,” said visibly distraught Colt’s Manufacturing CEO Dennis Veilleux, who frequently choked up while voicing his gratitude that U.S. firearms producers were now free from the danger posed by the mass shooting. “There was a point back there where I honestly feared the worst, and I had no idea if [Smith & Wesson CEO] James [Debney], [Bushmaster CEO] George [Kollitides], and everyone else would be all right. Now that this nightmare’s over, all I can do is thank God for keeping us out of harm’s way.” The gun manufacturers went on to praise the NRA for the courage and grit they displayed in quickly responding to such a traumatic crisis.
47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms. “Based on the votes that these senators brazenly cast in front of cameras and the media, it was easy—and actually rather shameless—to see just how much they were beholden to the desires of the American populace,” said Beltway analyst Jennifer Curtis, who added that the nearly four dozen senators who voted for the proposed gun control bills undoubtedly took their cues from the citizenry of the United States, unashamedly falling in line with whatever political positions the overwhelming majority of Americans subscribe to. “This is just another example of certain lawmakers kowtowing to the strong, persuasive voice of the people. It’s hard to believe that such blatant puppets of the American public could even get elected in our country, but there you have it.” Curtis added that, thankfully, there were enough senators brave enough to stand up against the millions of impassioned letters, phone calls, and other strong-arm tactics used by the people they represent to prevent the bill from passing.
It Is With A Heavy Heart That I Announce I Am Having My Parents Pick Me Up Early From This Sleepover #~# Friends, I have some unfortunate news to share. When this sleepover began just a few hours ago, I had every intention of staying through the night. Like many of you, I greatly looked forward to goofing off until midnight or so and then waking up to a full spread of chocolate chip pancakes. Alas, things don’t always work out the way we plan. It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I inform you I have asked my parents to come pick me up early.
Clinton’s Potential VP Picks #~# Here is a guide to presumptive Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election:
Father Showing Kids ‘Field Of Dreams’ For First Time Unaware Kevin Costner Sparking Son’s Sexual Awakening #~# WILKES-BARRE, PA—Oblivious to the intense feelings of arousal coursing through the pre-adolescent’s body, local man Pete Strahl reportedly introduced his children to the film Field Of Dreams Monday evening, not knowing that its male lead, played by Kevin Costner, was sparking his son’s sexual awakening. “This is an absolute classic—a real man’s movie,” said Strahl, handing his 10-year-old a bowl of popcorn as the film’s opening sequence, in which the sweat-drenched protagonist carries a heavy wood-handled hoe through rows of corn, unleashed a string of thoughts and urges in the child’s mind that he had never felt in his life and doesn’t quite understand yet. “The scene at the end always gives me chills. I hope you like it as much as I do.” After the movie was over, Strahl’s son reportedly went up to his bedroom and hesitantly typed the words “Costner in baseball uniform” into Google Images while struggling to grasp what was happening to him.
Obama Puts Spotlight On National Parks #~# In the midst of a national park deficit of $12 billion, President Obama is touring Yosemite and Carlsbad Caverns to discuss the benefits of protecting these areas from deterioration and climate change, as well as making them more accessible to lower-income families. What do you think?
Dianne Feinstein Horrified After New Gun Control Bill Disintegrates Immediately Upon Crossing Into Senate Chamber #~# WASHINGTON—Staring down in shock at her empty hands where the piece of legislation had been only seconds earlier, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) was reportedly left horrified Monday after her gun control bill disintegrated immediately upon crossing into the Senate chamber. “I was just walking in from my office holding the bill like this, and as soon as I stepped through the doorway, it just crumbled to nothing,” said an alarmed Feinstein, adding that within moments, all that was left of the newly drafted measure, which would have prevented the sale of firearms to individuals suspected of terrorism, was a small pile of ash on the Senate floor. “I tried printing out another copy, but the exact same thing happened. I even tried standing on the threshold of the room and just holding the bill partway inside, but it instantly burned off half the page, all the way down to the part about closing loopholes. It was terrifying.” At press time, Feinstein had reportedly tried to speak the text of her bill aloud on the floor of the Senate, only to have her vocal cords suddenly seize up, rendering her completely mute.
‘Finding Dory’ Sets Box-Office Record #~# Thirteen years after the release of Finding Nemo, the sequel, Finding Dory, earned $136 million in its opening weekend, breaking the box-office record for animated films previously held by 2007’s Shrek The Third. What do you think?
‘It’s Hard Being Away From You All,’ Says Donald Trump While Spreading Bird Feed Around Rooftop Pigeon Coop #~# NEW YORK—Appearing relaxed and in high spirits as he sprinkled handfuls of bird feed around his rooftop coop, Donald Trump reportedly told his flock of domesticated pigeons Monday that it has been hard spending so much time away from them during his presidential campaign. 
Creepy Older Brand Clearly Targeting Female 18-To-24-Year-Olds #~# NEW YORK—In what many are calling a shameless and creepy attempt to court a much younger demographic, 55-year-old brand Frito-Lay was seen clearly targeting 18-to-24-year-old females this week with a new campaign for reduced-fat snacks, sources confirmed. “The extreme lengths that Frito-Lay is going to in a desperate effort to chase after younger women is frankly kind of sad and sleazy,” said NYU senior Amy Greisler, adding that she cringed when she noticed the brand’s fixation with teen and twentysomething females, particularly its “totally transparent” show of enthusiasm for healthy, all-natural ingredients favored by women her age. “I guess Frito-Lay figures that if it keeps this up for long enough, it’ll find a few takers. But with all the colorful packaging and lack of artificial flavoring, it’s painfully obvious that a company that was selling snacks during the Eisenhower administration is just trying to woo suggestible girls who weren’t even born when it was in its mid-30s.” At press time, sources were horrified when the creepy brand started going after recently divorced women with low self-esteem.
John Kerry Jettisons Russian Henchmen From International Space Station Airlock #~# LOW EARTH ORBIT—Having stowed away aboard a Soyuz resupply rocket and silently slipped into the International Space Station as part of a high-level fact-finding mission, Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly found himself forced to jettison two Russian henchmen from an airlock Monday after being set upon by the thugs in an ambush that resulted in a violent zero-gravity struggle to the death. “Dasvidaniya, comrades,” a bruised and bloodied Kerry said as he pressed the button to open the airlock, having finally secured the upper hand over his adversaries by launching himself off one of the space station’s structural girders into a weightless somersault, driving his feet into an assailant’s chest, and sending the thug crashing into his accomplice, which caused both goons to tumble into the airtight compartment. According to reports, Kerry then slammed the passageway’s inner door shut and waited for the five-second pressurization delay, flatly stating “Say hello to Sputnik for me” through the chamber window as his attackers clawed at the opposite side of the glass in terror. After watching grimly through a porthole as the henchmen’s bodies swelled in size and went limp in the vacuum of space, Kerry was reportedly seen rushing over to the controls of the space station’s robotic arm, where he began the intricate process of capturing and disabling an orbiting spy satellite.
Prince William Featured On Gay Magazine #~# In a first for the Royal Family, Prince William is featured on the cover of a gay publication, Attitude, in which he discusses the dangerous repercussions of homophobia and condemns the resultant bullying of gay teens. What do you think?
Cavs Teammates Sheepishly Tell Kevin Love They’re Not Aware Of Any Postgame Parties #~# OAKLAND, CA—In the midst of celebrating the team’s first NBA title Sunday after defeating the Golden State Warriors, sources confirmed that Cleveland Cavaliers players sheepishly told power forward Kevin Love that they weren’t aware of any postgame parties taking place later in the night. “I don’t think anyone’s really doing anything after this, at least as far as I know,” small forward Iman Shumpert was overheard telling Love in the Cavaliers locker room, adding that the other players will “probably just go back to the team hotel and spend time with their families.” “It’s getting kind of late, and I’m actually pretty exhausted after that game, so I’m not going out. But if I hear about something fun going on, I’ll definitely text you.” At press time, the rest of the players were reportedly pretending to pack up their gear as Love walked out of the locker room to board an otherwise empty team bus.
God Clarifies That He Still Hates Cleveland Fans Despite Cavaliers Championship #~# THE HEAVENS—Despite allowing the Cavaliers to win the city’s first major sports championship in 52 years, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Sunday that He still hates Cleveland fans. “I just figured that enough is enough, so I decided to throw them a bone and finally give them a title, but believe me, I still can’t stand Cleveland teams or their fans,” said the Lord, adding that even though He decided not to intervene in order to prevent the Cavaliers from winning Game 7 against the Golden State Warriors, He “still really enjoys” watching Cleveland fans suffer after heartbreaking losses. “Don’t get me wrong, I love LeBron. My original plan was actually to get Cleveland’s hopes up by having him born in Ohio and drafted by the Cavs before he left to go win titles elsewhere without ever coming back. I knew that would absolutely crush the fans, but then I kind of felt bad about it, so I changed my mind since I wanted LeBron to win one in Cleveland. But I don’t give a shit about Cleveland fans, and I’ll see to it that they never win anything again.” God also clarified that His contempt for Cleveland fans is nothing compared to His total and utter hatred for “those fucking scumbag fans” in Philadelphia.
‘Hamilton’ Casts New Lead #~# With Lin-Manuel Miranda ending his run as the title character in the hit Broadway show Hamilton this July, it was announced that the role will be filled by Javier Muñoz, a veteran actor who initially developed Hamilton’s stage character alongside Miranda. What do you think?
Oh Good, Sound Of Explosion At Soccer Stadium Was Just Fan With Enormous Flare Gun #~# SAINT-ÉTIENNE, FRANCE—Midway through Friday’s Euro 2016 group stage match between the Czech Republic and Croatia, sources confirmed that, oh good, the sound of an explosion that just echoed throughout the stadium was only a fan firing an enormous flare gun. “As soon as I heard that loud blast coming from somewhere off the field, my heart sank and I braced for the worst, but thankfully, it was only some guy in the stands shooting off a flare,” said 31-year-old Daniel Vargas of McLean, VA, adding that his brief surge of panic was assuaged after the announcer clarified that the noise emanated from a flare and not, as initially assumed by all television viewers, an explosion amid some kind of horrific terrorist attack. “I’m just relieved that all the smoke engulfing a quarter of the stadium wasn’t the result of anything that hurt or killed anyone. It’s just some drunk guy with a scarf wrapped around the lower half of his face firing a flare gun that he was apparently allowed to bring inside the stadium. That’s great to know.” At press time, Christ, another one just went off.
Biden Lines Up Sweet Summer Gig Installing Above-Ground Swimming Pools #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he would “make a killing while catching rays,” Vice President Joe Biden confirmed Friday he had lined up a “totally sweet” summer gig installing above-ground pools around the D.C. metro area. “It’s gonna kick ass—three whole months of workin’ on my tan, crankin’ tunes on my boombox, and bird-doggin’ bored housewives,” said Biden, adding that his buddy Thomas “Lil’ Loco” Perez hooked him up with the plum job in which “you can totally get away with smoking up while on the clock.” “I don’t know dick about pools, but make no mistake, Uncle Joe can figure out that shit. They’ve got me in charge of my own crew, so I don’t really have to do jack. Plus, I can haul around all the pool junk in this rusty-ass, loud-as-fuck pickup truck I borrowed. It’s gonna be a bitchin’ summer.” Biden told reporters that he pulled a few strings to get paid under the table until he cleared up “some tax bullshit,” explaining that any wages on the books would be garnished by “those IRS fuckers.”
Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit #~# PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday. “Quick, straighten it out!” said deputy curator Simone Arnaud, who had made space by pulling down Eugène Delacroix’s Liberty Leading The People from its prominent spot near the museum’s entrance and frantically began dusting off the unsightly oil painting by the Dutch Post-Impressionist with her shirtsleeve mere moments before the donor’s unexpected arrival, which the staff had just been alerted to several minutes earlier. “Ah, shit, we don’t have a plaque for it. Whatever, that’s fine, as long as we have it out. Otherwise, we’ll never hear the end of it.” At press time, Arnaud had sent several museum docents to intercept the arriving donor and distract him with offers of an all-access personal tour while she hastily ran over to the painting and flipped it right-side-up.
Family Mercifully Pulling Plug On Grandfather Unaware They Sending Him Directly To Hell #~# HARTFORD, CT—Having made the difficult but compassionate decision to remove their ailing grandfather from life support Friday, members of the Jarrett family were reportedly unaware that in doing so, they were sending the 86-year-old directly to hell. “It was so hard to let him go, but it was the right thing to do—he’s suffered enough,” said the hellbound man’s daughter, Jennifer Austin, oblivious to the knowledge that only seconds after they disconnected his respirator in an attempt to spare him further discomfort, the family patriarch was cast into the blackest pits of the netherworld, where he would suffer unspeakable tortures and burn in perpetual agony for all of time. “He looked like he was so exhausted and in so much pain those last few weeks, but now that he’s gone, he looks so peaceful. You can tell he’s in a better place.” At press time, sources confirmed the entire Jarrett family had gathered in the hospital room to say goodbye to their grandfather as, in hell, his tongue was being pulled slowly from his mouth and his limbs rent from his body by hordes of howling demons.
First Mammal Goes Extinct From Global Warming #~# The Bramble Cay melomys, a rodent native to a single tiny Australian landmass near Papua New Guinea, is the first mammal species proven to have gone extinct from rising sea levels caused by global climate change. What do you think?
Senate Dems Filibuster For Gun Laws #~# Senator Chris Murphy filibustered for over 14 hours yesterday to condemn the Senate’s inaction on gun control, eventually securing a promise that the Senate will vote on measures to expand background checks. What do you think?
Exhausted Nation Unsure It Has Stamina To Continue Gun Control Dialogue For Fifth Consecutive Day #~# WASHINGTON—Appearing visibly drained as they pushed well beyond their previous best for rational discourse on the issue, the exhausted American public told reporters Thursday they were uncertain whether they had the stamina to continue a national dialogue on gun control for a fifth consecutive day. “It’s hard to believe, but we’ve been going at this nationwide conversation on sensible gun control measures pretty hard since Sunday, so I really don’t know how much longer we can keep this up before we hit a wall,” said Arthur Handler, 37, of Portland, ME, who explained that the population was only used to discussing gun laws for two, or at most three days before running out of steam, so they were now stretching themselves to their physical and mental limits. “It’s not that we don’t want to keep going—we do. It’s just that we tend to wrap up our typical national dialogue in 48 hours or so, and right now, we’re nearing a full week of this kind of constructive talk. I’m not even sure how we’ve pushed ourselves this far. I really hope we have more than just a few hours of engaged debate left in us.” At press time, the clearly worn-out nation could feel itself faltering slightly in its efforts to push for expanded background checks and was desperately hoping for a second wind.
Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs #~# FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
Wedding Guest Etiquette Tips #~# Attending a wedding comes with its own set of social graces. The Onion provides a list of basic rules of etiquette for being a polite, congenial wedding guest:
Man Getting Futon All Dolled Up For Craigslist Photo Shoot #~# PHOENIX—Attempting to conceal its wrinkles while carefully brushing its fabric clean of lint and stray threads, local man David Cutler was said to be getting his futon all dolled up Thursday for a Craigslist photo shoot. Witnesses reported that Cutler fussed over the piece of furniture for several minutes in an effort to make it look its most appealing, accessorizing it with strategically arranged pillows that pleasingly offset its natural tones before repositioning it several times to take advantage of the studio apartment’s best available lighting. After rushing over to pick a few loose cat hairs from its surface that had escaped earlier detection, the 29-year-old reportedly snapped several test shots of his subject, making sure he was shooting the furniture from its good side to hide its unsightly fraying seam and coffee stain. At press time, sources say Cutler was trying to coax the stiff and incompliant piece of furniture to lie back so he could get some more provocative shots of it as a bed.
Led Zeppelin Sued Over ‘Stairway To Heaven’ #~# Robert Plant and Jimmy Page, members of the rock band Led Zeppelin, appeared at trial this week over allegations they stole the chord progression for “Stairway To Heaven” from “Taurus,” a song by Zeppelin’s 1960s tourmates Spirit, though Page and Plant maintain they wrote their iconic song in a remote cottage in Wales and were not influenced by “Taurus.” What do you think?
New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria #~# PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria. “If you like Mountain Dew, you’re going to love Code White. All it takes is one sip and you’ll start feeling the rush of your gut flora being systematically exterminated,” said Mountain Dew product manager Mark Aldag, boasting that extensive lab tests had proved the drink’s lethality to nearly all of the stomach’s bacterial phyla, including Firmicutes, Bacteroidetes, Actinobacteria, and Proteobacteria. “Whether you need a little extra boost in the middle of the workday or to eradicate an unwanted strain of H. pylori embedded in the mucus lining of your stomach, just grab a Code White and you’re sure to be satisfied!” PepsiCo officials went on to urge consumers to exercise caution, as any bacteria that survived the new beverage could be highly resistant to all forms of antibiotics.
Coffee No Longer Considered Carcinogenic #~# In a reversal of its previous determination that drinking coffee can cause cancer, the World Health Organization has announced they’ve actually found no evidence that coffee contains carcinogens. What do you think?
‘There Is Beauty In Decay,’ Says Head Of Federal Highway Administration While Surveying Nation’s Crumbling Roads #~# CHICAGO—Inspecting a lengthy fissure cutting across two lanes of U.S. Route 34, Federal Highway Administration head Gregory G. Nadeau told reporters Wednesday that while the nation’s infrastructure is in desperate need of repair, there was “a certain kind of beauty in decay.” “Yes, it’s easy to lament the wretched state of our country’s crumbling roads, but let us not forget that it also allows us to appreciate the cycle of life as nature takes its course, for it reminds us that time—not man—is truly in control,” said Nadeau, further musing that when seen in a different light, the pockmarked asphalt, rusted metal, and dilapidated concrete were almost picturesque in their unchecked deterioration, a poignant reminder of the fragility of even the grandest municipal visions. “Indeed, let us celebrate the splendor of something entirely new—this network of cracks here, that vast pothole there—being created from what was once an intact stretch of highway. The natural order gives birth to its own wonders.” Members of the press were then instructed to close their eyes and take in the gentle patter of tires rolling over uneven pavement, after which Nadeau reportedly dashed into his car and sped away.
CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the finding an imminent threat to public health nationwide, horrified officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention convened an emergency press conference Wednesday to announce they had discovered the existence of thousands of public pools throughout the country.
NASA, UAE Collaborate On Mars Exploration #~# To hit their target of reaching Mars by 2030, NASA has signed an agreement to collaborate with the United Arab Emirates Space Agency to make Mars exploration a priority, with the two nations pledging to share research, technology, and possibly even spacecraft. What do you think?
Trump Campaign Bans ‘Washington Post’ Coverage #~# Donald Trump has announced the Washington Post will no longer receive any press credentials to report on his presidential campaign, decrying their “incredibly inaccurate coverage.” What do you think?
How Colleges Can Protect Students From Assault #~# Several high-profile assault cases on college campuses are leading many schools to address how they prevent and respond to them. Here are some ways universities can protect students from assault:
It’s An Honor To Continue Being Valued Over Countless Human Lives #~# Look, I’m not the type who needs constant validation, and I have never sought preferential treatment from anyone. I just try to focus on doing what I do and not get too caught up in what people think or say about me. But I have to admit, it’s been hard to ignore all the support and appreciation I’ve been receiving lately, particularly over the past several years. That’s why I want to take this opportunity to let all of you know what an absolute honor it is that you continue to value me over countless human lives.
U.N. Warns Trump May Be 7 Months Away From Acquiring Nuclear Weapons #~# NEW YORK—According to an alarming new global risk report published Tuesday by the United Nations Office for Disarmament Affairs, presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump may be just seven months away from acquiring nuclear weapons. “A year ago, the threat didn’t seem great enough to warrant serious concern, but at this moment, a nuclear-capable Trump is now a very real and very imminent possibility,” said UNODA high representative Kim Won-soo, adding that the agency’s current projections showed Trump potentially procuring nuclear weapons, as well as advanced ballistic missile technology, as early as January of next year. “The longer we wait to act, the closer he comes to obtaining a nuclear arsenal. The final red line for preventing him from acquiring this devastating capability comes in early November. If he is not properly dealt with before then, there will be no way to stop him from going nuclear.” While U.N. officials said the international community should prepare for the destabilizing effects of Trump acquiring such weapons, they still held out hope that citizens of his nation might yet rise up against him and topple the extremist before he posed a global existential threat.
State Department Warns Americans Traveling Abroad To Avoid Lame Amsterdam Windmill Tour #~# WASHINGTON—In an urgent warning posted online Wednesday by the U.S. State Department, American citizens traveling to the Netherlands were strongly advised to avoid the “extremely lame” Amsterdam windmill tour. “We have received specific information from credible sources suggesting that this tour is a stupid waste of time, and we advise U.S. citizens not to blow any of their money on it under any circumstance,” the alert read in part, cautioning that the historic wooden structures, while quintessentially Dutch, are not nearly as large or impressive as one might expect, and that “once you’ve seen one, you’ve pretty much seen them all.” “We highly recommend that Americans alter their plans accordingly to avoid the lousy five-hour excursion to visit a bunch of dumb windmills. U.S. citizens should be aware that by taking the tour, they put themselves at significant risk of being bored as hell.” State Department officials added that if any travelers find themselves ripped off by an afternoon-long windmill tour that doesn’t even include lunch, they should contact the U.S. embassy immediately.
Nation Demands More Golf Highlights Where Ball Lands On Green, But Then Rolls All The Way Back Down Hill #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing the urgent need for an increase in such clips both on television and the internet, Americans across the nation fiercely and unanimously demanded to see more golf highlights where the ball lands on the green, but then rolls all the way back down a big hill, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I love it when the ball lands on the edge of a hill pretty close to the hole, stops for just a second, and then starts rolling backwards faster and faster until it’s all the way in the rough,” said 33-year-old Trevor Burkin of Frederick, MD, who, like millions of other Americans, called for more frequent SportsCenter highlights in which the ball rolls so far that it eventually falls into a sand trap or water hazard. “I also want the announcer to say something like ‘Uh-oh, wait a minute’ right when the ball starts rolling away from the hole, and then the camera should show the golfer leaning his head back with his eyes closed out of frustration. That’s what I want. I want more of that.” Many Americans added that in the meantime, they would settle for more highlights of long putts where the ball hangs right on the edge of the hole, but doesn’t go in.
David Copperfield To Congress: Recognize Magic As Art #~# Magician David Copperfield is lobbying Congress to pass a resolution recognizing magic as “a rare and valuable art form,” a distinction that would allow for grant funding and intellectual property protections. What do you think?
Tips For Cooking With Meat #~# Leave the brisket to us. Click here for a list of Firehouse Subs locations near you. 
Backup Plan In Case Menu Item Out Of Stock Most Well-Thought-Out Part Of Man’s Life #~# RICHMOND, VA—Noting how thoroughly he had prepared himself for any potential scenario, sources confirmed that the backup plan local man Connor Foreman devised Tuesday in case his desired menu item was out of stock at Frank’s Diner was the most well-thought-out part of his life. “If they don’t have corned beef hash, then I’ll switch up the entrée from the pancakes to the sausage scrambler,” said Foreman, 34, revealing how much more effort he had put into contemplating his breakfast contingency plan than he had in thinking through how he might one day purchase a home, find a lasting relationship, or achieve his career goals. “I’ll just do a short stack of pancakes as a side, in that case, so I can still finish off the meal with something sweet. And the scrambler comes with home fries and toast, so I can nix the hash browns I was originally going to order, and then I should be all set.” Although he was reportedly able to order his first-choice meal, Foreman—who does not set aside any money and has never once considered how he’ll afford to retire—remarked that it’s still always better to be prepared just in case things don’t turn out as intended.
Tyson Foods Executives Assure Critics Their Chickens Physically Incapable Of Walking Even If They Had Room #~# SPRINGDALE, AR—Responding to activists’ demands that they discontinue the use of cramped pens and give their poultry space to roam freely, executives at Tyson Foods moved quickly Tuesday to assure critics that their chickens are physically incapable of walking even if they had enough room to do so. “While we appreciate the public’s concern about how much space is allotted to our poultry, I want to take this opportunity to put our customers’ minds at ease by clarifying that our weak, cardiovascularly overburdened birds have never possessed the ability to stand up on their own, let alone move around an open field,” said Executive Vice President of Operation Services Mike Roetzel, urging anxious consumers not to worry, as the crowded conditions in the company’s enclosures—in which tens of thousands of animals are packed tightly against one another—actually help keep the chickens propped upright and prevent their frail bodies from rolling helplessly onto their sides. “I want all Tyson customers to understand that any attempt by our chickens to wander around any expanse of space would actually cause them excruciating pain, considering how their legs are incapable of sustaining the abnormally heavy weight of their genetically manipulated bodies. It’s actually in our birds’ best interest that they are kept as still as possible, as any fall is liable to shatter their already stressed and deformed skeletal structures.” Roetzel went on to assure consumers that Tyson Foods was not, as some critics have claimed, pumping its chickens with excessive amounts of antibiotics, noting that the company only used as many drugs as were necessary to keep the birds alive amid the rampant bacterial contamination of residing in steadily accumulating pools of their own fecal waste.
Obama Endorses Clinton For President #~# Explaining that he doesn’t think “there’s ever been someone so qualified to hold this office,” Barack Obama announced last week that he is endorsing Hillary Clinton for president. What do you think?
Frustrated Obama Writes Letter To His Congressman About Need For Gun Control #~# WASHINGTON—Unsure how else to take action after this weekend’s mass shooting in Orlando, FL that left scores dead, a frustrated President Obama spent Monday morning writing a letter to his congressman about the need for tighter gun control laws, sources confirmed. “Representative Rush, the attack in Orlando was a tragedy that could have been prevented—when will you and your colleagues finally close the loopholes that allow suspected terrorists and people with a history of violence to legally purchase firearms?” read a portion of the president’s strongly worded letter to First District Illinois Representative Bobby Rush, before going on to ask the congressman to pledge his support for sweeping gun control reforms that included tighter background checks and a federal assault weapons ban. “I am sick and tired of these killings happening over and over again, and unless Congress acts now to pass a bill to stop potential shooters from obtaining these weapons, attacks like this will continue to occur. I urge you to sponsor comprehensive, common-sense gun safety legislation today. Sincerely, Barack Obama.” At press time, an intern from Rep. Rush’s office had replied to thank the president for his feedback on this issue.
At Times Like This, We Need To Pull Ourselves Up, Hold Our Loved Ones Close, Block Any Legislation That Would Prevent Suspected Terrorists From Buying Guns, And Say A Prayer For The Victims #~# Like the rest of the nation, I was horrified by this weekend’s senseless attack on an Orlando nightclub. Such brutality is unconscionable, but as Americans we need to remain strong in the face of violence and intimidation, and resist giving in to despair. At times like this, we must pull ourselves up, hold our loved ones tight, block any legislation that would prevent suspected terrorists from purchasing guns, and say a prayer for the victims.
Concerned NRA Official Rushes Out To Purchase Congressman Following Mass Shooting #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting he felt “scared and nervous” after the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history at an Orlando, FL nightclub, NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre reportedly rushed out of his home early Monday to buy a congressman. “When I saw what happened in Orlando, I wanted to make sure that I was able to properly defend myself,” LaPierre told reporters after driving to the nearest congressional office to buy the most reliable and powerful legislator he could find. “I already have some others, but I figured getting one more couldn’t hurt, especially after something like this. It gives me peace of mind knowing that if I ever feel threatened or come under attack, I can always use my senators or representatives to fight back.” LaPierre added that he is simply glad to live in a country where he can freely and legally own as many elected officials as he wants in order to protect what he values most.
Nation Wishes It Could Just Once Be Reminded Of Preciousness Of Life Without Mass Shooting #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of Sunday’s terrorist attack at an Orlando, FL nightclub that left at least 50 dead, the nation reportedly expressed its heartfelt wish that it could, even just once, be reminded of the preciousness of life through some other means than a mass shooting. “It would be really nice if, one of these times, something besides breaking news reports about a shooting massacre caused us to reflect on life’s beauty and fragility,” said Alex Haselberg, 45, of Louisville, KY, voicing a sentiment shared by 319 million of his fellow Americans who reportedly lamented the fact that they typically only experience a deep appreciation for their and their loved ones’ limited time here on earth after learning a deranged gunman had slaughtered a dozen or more innocent people. “Does it always have to be a mass murder that delivers the sudden realization that life is a fleeting, priceless gift? Couldn’t there be something else that leaves me feeling immensely grateful for each day? I’m not picky; I’m just tired of it always being this.” The American populace also admitted it could use a short break from being reminded of how brief and precious life is, saying that 133 such reminders since the beginning of this year were far too many.
Report: FDA Too Slow To Recall Food #~# According to a report from the Office of the Inspector General, the Food and Drug Administration has been too slow to act when it comes to recalling contaminated foods and removing them from circulation. What do you think?
7-Year-Old Unable To Maintain Single Cohesive Storyline While Playing With Action Figures #~# BROCKTON, MA—Saying the plot was jumping all over the place and had become extremely hard to follow, onlookers confirmed this afternoon that 7-year-old Brendan Milner has been unable to maintain a single cohesive storyline while playing with his action figures.
NHL Admits It Has No Idea Who Guys With White Gloves Transporting Stanley Cup Are #~# NEW YORK—Confessing that they are unable to explain the presence of the two men who always accompany the championship trophy, officials from the NHL admitted Friday that they have absolutely no idea who the guys with white gloves carrying the Stanley Cup actually are. “They just showed up after the Oilers won Game 7 of the 1987 Finals, holding the Stanley Cup as they walked onto the ice for the trophy presentation, and it was only later that we realized no one ever hired them or asked them to do that,” said league executive John Payette, who further clarified that the two men are not, and have never been, NHL employees or on the league’s payroll. “They never speak, which is a little off-putting, but they’re constantly smiling, so they seem pretty nice. Since they always show up on time with the Cup for potential championship-clinching games every year, we just let them keep doing it. But we have no idea who they are, where they came from, or why they’re doing this.” At press time, the SAP Center arena staff in San Jose confirmed that the two men were standing completely still in an equipment room with the lights off, smiling and quietly staring straight ahead as they held the Stanley Cup.
FBI Discontinues Surveillance Of Muslim Americans After Completing 15-Year Study Of Beautiful Culture #~# WASHINGTON—After 15 years of broadly targeting the 3.3-million-member community and extensively monitoring its activities, the FBI declared an end Friday to its surveillance of Muslim Americans, saying its exhaustive study of their beautiful culture was finally complete.
New Parenting Trend Involves Just Handing Children Bulleted List Of Things To Accomplish By 30 #~# NEW YORK—Saying the popular new practice appears to be growing in popularity particularly in coastal states and within more affluent suburbs, several family experts confirmed Friday that the latest parenting trend involves just handing children a bulleted list of things they need to accomplish by the age of 30. “An increasing number of moms and dads are taking a more direct style of parenting that involves simply printing out a list of life achievements, handing it to their child, and telling them to get it all done before they turn 30 years old,” said Parents magazine editor Mallory Schneider, adding that the new technique encourages independence and has a built-in flexibility, as parents can customize their lists according to whatever specific expectations they have for their child. “These lists often span multiple pages and contain a variety of personal and career benchmarks, such as maintaining a 4.0 GPA through high school, lettering in one or more varsity sports, winning a debate state championship, graduating from college, earning an advanced degree, getting married, buying a home, and providing as many grandchildren as the parent deems fit. It really puts the power in the hands of the child—typically around the age of 10 or 11, when they receive the list—by allowing them to figure out how to achieve all the goals in the allotted time.” Experts also confirmed that many parents are giving their children a supplementary list of less-preferred, but still suitable, backup plans should they fail to complete the original set of accomplishments.
Helen Mirren Testifies On Looted Nazi Art #~# Having starred in a 2015 film addressing the same issue, actress Helen Mirren testified before a Senate hearing to advocate for the return of priceless artwork to Jewish families from whom the artifacts were stolen by Nazis during WWII. What do you think?
‘Three-Person Baby’ IVF Method Deemed Safe #~# Nature magazine has published a new study in which genetic material from two parents was placed inside a third-party embryo to produce a healthy baby with the DNA of three people, though doctors emphasize this is not “messing with God” but rather finding new uses for mitochondria. What do you think?
‘I’d Like You To Post Long, Aggressive Rants On Social Media,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Supporter’s Interpretation Of Speech #~# WASHINGTON—Addressing reporters after meeting with President Obama at the White House this morning, Bernie Sanders called upon his followers to post long-winded, extremely aggressive rants on social media, according to local supporter Ryan Bailey’s interpretation of the speech. “I’d like you to go on Facebook or Twitter and harass as many people as possible with spiteful, protracted tirades,” said the Vermont senator in Bailey’s inference of the speech, which demanded that he and any other voters still committed to political revolution reply to anyone who challenged their opinion with a barrage of sharply worded displays of sanctimony and condescension, as well as any number of personal insults. “If somebody tries to get you to calm down or walk back your rhetoric, don’t hesitate to double down by questioning their intelligence and maligning their integrity before blocking them entirely. Also, if you see anybody sharing a conflicting point of view anywhere online, it is imperative that you attack them at once with a series of furious and preferably misogynistic responses.” According solely to Bailey’s own perception of the speech, Sanders then concluded his remarks by asking supporters to send a threatening email to Democratic Party officials or members of the media.
Voters Glad They Got Hope In Politicians Out Of System For Next Election Cycle Or Two #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting it was actually kind of a relief to have it over with, the nation’s voters reported Thursday that with Bernie Sanders no longer possessing a viable path to the nomination, they were glad they got all their feelings of hope in politicians out of their system for the next election cycle or two. “It’s sort of nice to realize that, after this, I can pretty much just sit back and know that I won’t have to feel any genuine excitement about a political figure’s integrity or their desire to make fundamental change to the status quo until a few elections from now,” said registered voter Luke Downing of Oakland, CA, echoing the sentiment of millions across the country who explained that it felt like a load off their mind to let go of their sense of encouragement and to not have to worry about rallying behind a politician they believed actually had their best interests at heart until 2024 or so. “We got it all flushed out of our systems, and now everyone can just go back to feeling generally betrayed by every politician on the national stage and apathetic about the political system as a whole. This primary season was a nice change of pace where we got to believe for a moment that our voices actually mattered and that democracy might in fact work for regular Americans, but to be honest, it’ll be good to have a little time away from feeling like we can make some sort of difference, at least for the next couple elections.” Downing went on to say he was glad he had finished voting for the next several election cycles as well.
Draymond Green Able To List From Memory Every Player Drafted Before Him In NBA History #~# CLEVELAND—Claiming that it has been a constant source of motivation throughout his career, Golden State Warriors power forward Draymond Green revealed to reporters Thursday that he is able to recite, completely from memory, the names of every single player drafted ahead of him in NBA history. “First was Clifton McNeely to the Pittsburgh Ironmen in 1947, then the [Toronto] Huskies took Glen Selbo, and third was Boston, who took Bulbs Ehlers,” said Green, taking the next several hours to list all 2,786 players who were selected, in order, during the six decades before he was chosen by the Warriors with the 35th overall pick of the 2012 NBA Draft. “I haven’t forgotten that Dion Waiters, Tayshaun Prince, Stephon Marbury, Dan Majerle, Keith Van Horn, Rafer Alston, Grant Hill, Dominique Wilkins, John Havlicek, [1973 fifth-round pick] Dennis Bell, and Yao Ming were chosen before me, and I never will. It’s something I think about all the time, because I want to prove that I’m just as good as any of those guys.” Green went on to say that he does feel vindicated by the fact that he has an NBA championship ring, unlike Bill McGill, who was selected prior to him by the Chicago Zephyrs with the first overall pick in 1962.
U.S. Consumer Confidence Shaken After Mom Buys Wrong Kind Of Tortilla Chips #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Describing the occurrence as a troubling indicator for the U.S. economy, a University of Michigan report released Thursday revealed that consumer confidence was shaken this month after Cincinnati-area mom Leslie Barger bought the wrong kind of tortilla chips. “Our data show that consumers became intensely pessimistic about the direction the American economy was headed when Mrs. Barger purchased those gross, thin white tortilla chips instead of the good kind,” said economist Richard Meyer, adding that the 45-year-old mother of three returning from a shopping trip with unsalted chips that always break when dipped was a major factor in the negative outlook among U.S. households. “Americans appear deeply unsettled by this turn of events. We expect spending activity to plummet to the lowest point in decades on the knowledge that the tortilla chips are those little round ones that taste bland and not the big, salty scoops that pick up lots of salsa.” Consumer confidence reportedly recovered briefly when Americans realized that the Ohio mom had also bought the fancy root beer.
Crowd At Trump Rally Realizes They’ve Been Chanting ‘We Are Frightened And Helpless’ For Last Half Hour #~# TAMPA, FL—Saying they had been so swept up in the excitement of the moment that they hadn’t been paying attention to what they were shouting, the crowd at a Donald Trump rally in Tampa reportedly came to the realization Wednesday that they had been chanting the phrase “We are frightened and helpless” for the past half hour. “Looking back on it now, I guess we all started chanting ‘We’re so, so scared’ as soon as we got into the auditorium, and then when Trump came out onstage, it really picked up and we added the part about feeling completely impotent in the face of change,” said Trump supporter Colby Swanson, 45, who explained that, after thinking back, some attendees had started chanting “Rage is my only outlet” on and off while they were waiting in line to enter the event. “Boy, we were chanting it really loud for a while, especially after Trump said our country doesn’t win anymore and that we shouldn’t let Muslim refugees into the U.S. Come to think of it, towards the end there, I remember just yelling ‘The world has passed me by’ over and over again.” After recognizing their embarrassing blunder, the Trump supporters were said to have collected themselves and returned to their traditional chant of “Build the wall.”
The Pros And Cons Of For-Profit Colleges #~# With studies showing that for-profit college degrees create more debt and no more added value for students, many are questioning the merits of these institutions. Here are the pros and cons of for-profit colleges:
Merkel Named World’s Most Powerful Woman #~# Forbes has named German Chancellor Angela Merkel their most powerful woman for the sixth consecutive year, saying she displays “sheer humanism” in her leadership. What do you think?
Elderly Voter Never Thought She’d Get To See Female Presidential Nominee Called Heartless Ice Bitch During Her Lifetime #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Tearing up as she reflected on the significance of Hillary Clinton being named the presumptive Democratic candidate, 85-year-old voter Deborah Hanson told reporters Wednesday she never thought she’d get to see a female presidential nominee be called a heartless ice bitch during her lifetime. “When I was growing up, things were so different—it just didn’t seem possible that I’d live to see the day when a woman would be selected to top a major political party’s ticket while incessantly being called a shrieking harpy,” said the retired schoolteacher, adding that even decades of advocating for women’s equality hadn’t fully prepared her for the reality of actually being able to cast her vote for a woman described by critics on social media as a rotten old cunt who’s so fugly it was no wonder her husband slept with other women. “I’ve never forgotten that when I was a little girl, people said a woman could never be president, and now look how far we’ve come. To be so close to seeing the first woman who’s alternately labeled both a lying whore and a psycho feminazi bimbo occupy this nation’s highest office, and to watch her make important decisions about this country’s future that would be relentlessly criticized as being the product of hysterical menopausal rages, would be nothing short of amazing.” Hanson told reporters that while she understood the concerns of younger liberal women who oppose Clinton’s candidacy, she hoped they would recognize how hard so many generations of American women had fought for a day when one of their own could become the most powerful person referred to as a frumpy, frigid bull dyke in the nation.
Fish Can Recognize Human Faces #~# Scientists have discovered that the archerfish, known for its ability to shoot jets of water to stun prey, can consistently shoot water at the same individual humans, indicating an ability to distinguish and recognize discrete human faces. What do you think?
Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom #~# WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are inevitably thrust back into the raging black maelstrom of the 2016 election. “Regardless of what you think of Hillary, her nomination is a historic step for women and for our country, and I’m trying as hard as I can to savor that simple fact for a few fleeting minutes before the grim, unforgiving tide of this election cycle rushes back over me and drags me under,” said Eagan, MN resident Caroline Geldmaker, echoing the sentiments of tens of millions of Americans who explained that they were extremely grateful for a break from their overwhelming feelings of anxiety and terror, if only temporarily, following a year spent at the mercy of a violent, ever-darkening political vortex and ahead of the five dreaded months of horror still to come. “For a few short moments, I’ve actually felt okay and almost hopeful, and I’m doing everything I can to not let go of this sensation, because make no mistake, the bleak, churning chaos of the election is going to return, and there will be no escape. God, it’s too horrendous to even think about.” At press time, the feeling was gone and the hideous realities of the general election had flooded back over the helpless nation.
Dubai Completes Construction On World’s First Full-Scale Replica Of Dubai #~# DUBAI—Officials from the Dubai Department of Tourism announced at a press conference Wednesday that construction had been completed on the world’s first full-scale replica of Dubai, a multibillion-dollar investment known as the Dubai Experience built on the outskirts of the city-state. “We are proud to announce that the Dubai Experience is now open, allowing those visiting Dubai to view and explore awe-inspiring, life-size versions of all the iconic buildings and sights they recognize from Dubai,” said Dubai tourism spokesperson Arshad bin Sulayem, adding that the 1,600-square-mile Dubai replica was located “a convenient five-mile drive” from downtown Dubai. “Spend a day taking pictures in front of nearly indistinguishable duplicates of your favorite Dubai landmarks, from the Burj Khalifa, to the Palm Jumeirah islands, to the Ski Dubai alpine facility, before returning to your hotel in Dubai. Or stay the night in one of the many identical hotels in the Dubai Experience. No trip to Dubai will be complete without a stroll through our carefully recreated 1:1 scale version of Dubai.” The tourism board added that in order to fully mimic every detail of Dubai, construction had recently begun along the boundaries of the replica city-state to build a replica of the Dubai replica.
Obama Discovers Telepathic Connection With Military Drone In Afghanistan #~# ‘Our Minds Have Become One,’ Shaken President Says
Antidepressant Medication Label Reminds Users That Pill Should Never Be Mixed With Long Look In Mirror #~# DUANESBURG, NY—While attesting that the medication was safe and effective when taken as directed, the label for the antidepressant Lexapro specifically warned users that the pill should never be mixed with a long look in the mirror, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Do not consume alcohol or stare directly at yourself in the bathroom mirror while taking Lexapro, as serious complications could result,” read the label in part, before warning consumers that eyeing themselves up and down under the harsh light of a bathroom vanity or leaning in toward their reflection to closely examine their own face had been shown in clinical studies to cause adverse reactions and vastly decrease the drug’s efficacy. “Those who catch sight of themselves in the mirror should immediately discontinue eye contact with their reflection and avoid any impulses to take stock of their life. For best results, it is advised that users stay away from mirrors and other reflective surfaces entirely during the course of treatment.” The label went on to warn that the side effects of viewing oneself in the mirror while on Lexapro—which ranged from loss of appetite to suicidal thoughts—were likely to be significantly intensified should the user look at himself or herself unclothed.
Mother Will Not Be Charged In Gorilla’s Death #~# Two weeks after Cincinnati zookeepers were forced to fatally shoot Harambe the gorilla to protect a 3-year-old patron who had entered the enclosure, an Ohio prosecutor has confirmed that the mother of the child will not face any charges. What do you think?
Women More Prone To Anxiety Than Men #~# A meta-analysis of 48 medical papers found that women are more likely to have anxiety disorders than men, which could indicate differences in brain chemistry or men’s reluctance to report feelings of anxiety. What do you think?
Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination #~# Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say
Look At Them, The Fools—All Dancing To My Malevolent Tune #~# Everyone loves a nice graham cracker. The crunch, the sweet honey flavor, the tasty whole-grain goodness—yes, the wholesome baked snacks truly are hard to resist. There’s just something about Honey Maid graham crackers that makes people want to eat one after another after another. And I find nothing more satisfying than seeing children, seniors, and everyone in between enjoying our trademark golden-brown treats, knowing that each one of these helpless cracker-munching puppets is mindlessly prancing along to the mischievous piper’s song played by none other than yours truly, their diabolical master!
Upcoming Changes To Nutrition Fact Labeling #~# The FDA recently approved a new Nutrition Facts label in an effort to better inform consumers about the contents of their food products. Here are some of the upcoming changes:
Work Life, Personal Life Both Spent Desperately Trying To Appeal To Women 18 To 34 #~# CHICAGO—Explaining that he’s always trying out new tactics and carefully crafted phrases in an effort to connect with members of the demographic group, sources confirmed Tuesday that local man Rob Benson spends the majority of both his work and personal life desperately attempting to appeal to women 18 to 34 years old. Those close to the advertising agency copywriter stated that, whether he’s at his desk in his cubicle between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m., or out of the office at night or on the weekend, Benson’s time and efforts are almost exclusively directed toward cultivating an aesthetic and particular style of messaging that make a lasting impression on young women. Moreover, the 30-year-old is said to stare singlemindedly at his work computer or his iPhone for hours at a time, frenziedly studying the behaviors of 18-to-34-year-old women and attempting to devise specific lines that he can employ via social media that will resonate with them on a personal level. At press time, sources confirmed that Benson had taken a brief break from a work project intended to engage with recent female college graduates to head over to his office’s receptionist desk and try to engage with a recent female college graduate.
China Withholds Marriage Licenses From Casual Couples #~# China’s Civil Affairs Bureau has announced they reserve the right to withhold marriage licenses from couples wearing shorts or T-shirts when they come to apply, explaining it shows disrespect for the institution of marriage. What do you think?
Google AI Writes Original Song #~# Google’s latest machine learning program has successfully composed a 90-second piano melody out of four provided notes using a trained neural network. What do you think?
Visionary Sports Columnist Asserts That Muhammad Ali’s Greatest Fight Wasn’t In The Ring #~# BALTIMORE—Providing a shrewd and ingenious take on the late boxer’s life, visionary Baltimore Sun columnist Jason Lowe reportedly asserted Monday that Muhammad Ali’s greatest fight did not, in fact, take place in the ring. “Muhammad Ali will certainly go down in history as one of the best heavyweight boxers of all time, but it was outside of the ring where he won his greatest, most formidable fights,” the article read in part, audaciously presenting Lowe’s astute and perceptive argument that Ali’s deadliest weapons were not his fists, but rather his words and compassion. “Ali faced the likes of Joe Frazier and George Foreman, however, let’s not forget that his most daunting opponents were racism and prejudice in America. He was a truly great fighter, but it is ultimately Ali’s opposition to fighting that will define his legacy.” The columnist concluded the article by positing that it was “now up to each and every single one of us to continue fighting until injustice has been knocked out.”
Dozens Of Social Issues Thankful They Never Had To Go Toe-To-Toe With Muhammad Ali #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking out on the legacy of one of the 20th century’s most towering figures in both sports and the civil rights movement following his recent passing, dozens of social issues reported Monday that they were extremely thankful they never had to go toe-to-toe with Muhammad Ali. “Ali was absolutely ferocious—thank God we never had to face him, ’cause there’s no way we would have lasted,” said a representative for the handful of detrimental social ills that went unconfronted by Ali during his lifetime, including intolerance against the LGBTQ community, predatory lending, cyberbullying, and numerous other ingrained problems facing American society. “He was such a fierce, tireless opponent. He never let up even for a moment in any of his high-profile fights against discrimination or inequality. As a source of societal oppression, you just prayed you never found yourself up against someone like that, especially back when he was in his prime. God, did he ever do a number on racism and religious bigotry in the ’60s and ’70s.” The collection of social issues added that their only regret was feeling that, with Ali gone, there was no longer a competitor anywhere worthy of fighting them.
Report: Some Crazy Shit Probably Happened To Classmate Being Raised By Grandmother #~# DENTON, MD—Gathering in the school’s hallways and around lunch tables to exchange stories about the 11-year-old, students at McLane Junior High reported Monday that some crazy shit must have happened to their classmate Jacob Morse, who is currently being raised by his grandmother. “Remember last year, when his grandma came to our winter concert but his parents didn’t? That’s when I was like, whoa, something’s probably really messed up with him,” said fellow sixth-grader Ryan Herrera to a small group of his friends, just several of the dozens of students who were actively speculating what totally batshit insane circumstances could have led Morse to end up getting dropped off at school every day in an old station wagon by a woman in her mid-60s, and not his mother or father. “I heard that Kevin [Freeland] stayed over at Jacob’s house and his grandma opened the door and let him in, and she made dinner for them, and then drove Kevin home the next morning. Kevin said that no one mentioned anything about where Jacob’s mom or dad were at all. So you know whatever happened had to have been real, real bad.” Members of Morse’s class later added that they didn’t even want to think about what was up with their other classmate who moved in from out of state halfway through the year and stayed for two months before moving again without explanation.
Tips For Reinventing Yourself #~# Brought to you by CMT's Still The King
‘Air Rage’ Triggered By First-Class Cabin #~# A new study found that airline passengers in economy seats were twice as likely to exhibit “air rage” such as shouting at the flight attendants if they were required to walk through the first-class area while boarding. What do you think?
Seine Flooding Forces Closure Of Louvre #~# The Louvre was forced to close this week due to rising floodwaters along the Seine, with curators scrambling to remove 200,000 pieces of priceless artwork from underground storerooms and protect them from potential water damage. What do you think?
Concerned Text From Mom ​Gleefully ​Mocked Like Ramblings Of Village Idiot #~# BOSTON—Reading the message aloud to several of his friends while out at a local bar Thursday night, area man Jason Schwerbein, 26, gleefully mocked a worried text from his mother as if it were the demented ramblings of a village idiot. “You guys have to hear this—my mom wrote ‘Where are you? I heard there’s going to be flooding tonight,’” said Schwerbein, laughing heartily and affecting a derisive tone of voice as though the words he was repeating were uttered by a local oaf who was kicked in the head by a mule and whose only contributions to the community were dancing for pennies in the town square and entertaining passersby with the nonsense spewing from their misshapen skull. “Then it goes ‘XOXO, hope you’re okay!’ Jesus, what does she think, I’m going to drown?” At press time, Schwerbein had resolved to respond with the phrase “I’m fine” at some point during the following day.
New Insect Named For Justice Ginsburg #~# Scientists have chosen to name a newly discovered species of praying mantis the Ilomantis ginsburgae, an homage to Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s record on gender equality issues. What do you think?
Man At Amusement Park Gets Right Back In Line For Another Funnel Cake #~# SANDUSKY, OH—Immediately standing up from his seat and striding quickly past other visitors as soon as the snack was over, Cedar Point amusement park patron Paul Matazaro reportedly raced back to the end of the line for another funnel cake Thursday. “That was incredible! It went by so fast, though—I have to do it again!” said Matazaro, patting his shirt free of powdered sugar as he stood on his toes and craned his neck to get a better sense of how long he’d have to wait for another go at the freshly fried masses of batter. “My stomach still feels a little queasy, but it’ll probably settle down by the time I get to the front. Oh, man, I can’t wait!” Matazaro added that this time around, he wouldn’t hold back his excitement, saying he might get pretty loud when he reaches the best parts of the confection.
Saudi Arabia Invests $3.5 Billion In Uber #~# Ride-hailing app Uber has accepted $3.5 billion from Saudi Arabia’s sovereign wealth fund, angering many critics who say that Uber will only perpetuate the country’s laws banning female drivers. What do you think?
Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion #~# TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported. “Whoa, now!” Dolan reportedly said, his body bucking wildly under alternating scalding and freezing water as he busily pulled and twisted the knobs to and fro, summoning the full capacities of his manhood to bend the uncooperative plumbing fixtures to his will. “Easy there. Easy!” After several minutes of continuous struggle, Dolan reportedly achieved some level of mastery over the unfamiliar shower, only to be violently thrown backward by a blast of water so hot and sustained after the upstairs toilet was flushed that he had to quickly flee the tub and seek refuge away from the unruly beast.
Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours #~# NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs. “It’s just something I like to tinker around with after I wrap up all my regular tasks for the day—plus, nobody here seems to mind since they were planning to throw out most of the scraps I use anyway,” said the four-armed, 30,000-pound robot, adding that the uninterrupted quiet time allowed it to experiment with various techniques and contemplate design problems more clearly and creatively than it could during business hours. “It’s a nice way to unwind after a 19-hour shift of drilling, applying sealant, and inserting fasteners into aft sections 47 and 48. Kind of helps me approach my craft in an unconventional way, you know?” The Quadbot added that it hadn’t told any of its four identical coworkers about the project, instead preferring to surprise them once the prototype was fully functional.
Man Takes Sober Moment To Reflect On Fact That Most Of Meal Already Gone #~# DERBY, KS—Solemnly setting down the remainder of his Turkey Bacon Ranch sub and lowering his eyes to the few chips left on his plate, local man Paul DePietro reportedly took a moment Thursday to quietly reflect on the fact that most of his lunch was already gone. “Not long ago, I had my whole meal in front of me, but in the blink of an eye it nearly all disappeared,” said DiPietro, slowly shaking his head as he noted how hard it was to believe that he only had a few bites left with the double-meat sandwich on white. “How arrogant I was, thinking my lunch would last forever. I was so preoccupied with other things that I completely forgot to appreciate what I had right in front of me. I should have savored every moment I had with it, but now…now, it’s too late.” At press time, a remorseful DiPietro was delicately reassuring the chocolate chunk cookie he had set aside for dessert, his right hand gently cradling its round form as he vowed not to make the same mistakes again.
Ad Agency Apologizes For Racist Commercial #~# After inciting global outrage, Chinese ad agency Qiaobi has apologized for their commercial in which a black man is thrown into a washing machine and comes out as a Chinese man, adding that the internet community should not “overanalyze” the ad. What do you think?
Late-Arriving Guest Encouraged To Load Up On Food Sitting In Sun For Past 4 Hours #~# HARTFORD, CT—Insisting there was still plenty left to eat, local party hosts Dana and Mark Randolph reportedly encouraged late-arriving guest Jonathan Morse this weekend to load up on food that had been sitting out in the sun for the past four hours. “We’ve got a whole spread, so just grab a plate and dig in,” said the Randolphs, pointing their guest toward a table filled with a variety of dried-out cheese slices, wilted salad greens, mushy coleslaw, and discolored guacamole that had been exposed to direct sunlight for the entire afternoon. “You definitely have to try Dana’s potato salad—it’s really good [and disgusting now], and there’s a few hot dogs left [in a cloudy puddle of hot dog juice]. Help yourself.” Sources later confirmed that Morse had fished a can of lukewarm beer out of a cooler filled with murky water.
Why America’s Violent Crime Rate Is Rising #~# With a 9 percent spike in the homicide rate this year, many are wondering what factors are contributing to the rise in violence across the country. Here are some reasons behind the growing frequency of these crimes:
Concussions In Children Vastly Underreported #~# A new report reveals the number of concussions sustained by children could be vastly underreported, given that only emergency room diagnoses are counted toward the CDC’s tally and not those identified by pediatricians. What do you think?
Ice Cube Thrown Into Sink Flies Up Side Like Skateboarder Shredding Half-Pipe #~# CHICAGO—Noting how it glided effortlessly over the stainless-steel surface, sources reported Wednesday that an ice cube that had been tossed into the sink at McDouglas Marketing Associates was flying up the side of the basin like a skateboarder shredding the half-pipe at an extreme sports exhibition. Eyewitnesses told reporters that the cube of frozen water dropped into the sink at a steep angle as if it were a professional skater at a Southern California skate park building momentum in preparation for performing an alley-oop frontside heelflip or boneless 540. The ice cube was then said to have launched upward from the lip of the fixture in a manner similar to skateboarding legend Tony Hawk gliding into the air from the edge of a vert ramp, reaching an impressive height above the sink as several McDouglas employees on their lunch break looked on like a cheering, sold-out crowd. Reports indicated that the ice cube appeared to effortlessly hang in the air, suspended for an impossibly long time while spinning swiftly—conjuring images of “The Birdman” himself making history by executing the first-ever 900 at the 1999 X Games—before making its descent back into the kitchen sink. At press time, those present confirmed that the cube had totally botched the landing, shattering like skater Sean Malto’s ankle when he ate it during the 2014 Dew Tour.
The Case For And Against Zoos #~# The killing of a rare gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo to protect a child who climbed into its enclosure has reignited debate over whether wild animals should be kept in captivity. Here is the case for and against zoos:
New Uber Update Allows Users To File Lawsuit Against Company Directly In App #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In a move designed to streamline the product’s interface and facilitate one of the more common interactions between customers and the ride-sharing service, Uber announced Wednesday that its newest update would allow users to file a lawsuit against the company from directly within the app. “We’ve listened to the community, and we’re excited to introduce a feature that will make bringing litigation against us—whether for sexual harassment, racial profiling, or aggravated assault—as quick and easy as hailing a ride,” said Uber co-founder and CEO Travis Kalanick, demonstrating the app’s new “Sue Us” button, conveniently located in the main menu. “The app already contains all your biographical information, which integrates with GPS data to tell you how long it will take for the case to be heard, as well as the estimated cost. It also features a helpful and intuitive on-screen display that allows you to track your lawsuit’s progress all the way through the courts.” Kalanick added that in the event a plaintiff loses their case, Uber would automatically recoup its legal fees from the user’s preferred debit or credit card.
Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’ #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush. Perfect, Mom—Dad, I’m going to need you a few steps over this way,” said the man who was hired over the internet and had no biological relationship to the family whatsoever. “Great, now let’s get one with Mom and the boys, and then one with just Dad and the boys. By the way, can someone go grab me Grandma?” The photographer—who had no preexisting connection, either personal or professional, to any member of the wedding party—was later observed calling the groomsmen and bridesmaids by nicknames he had assigned them and, without asking, leaning in and lightly adjusting the groom’s hair.
State Dept: Clinton’s Server Violated Agency Rules #~# The State Department has determined Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server to conduct business as Secretary of State violated the Federal Records Act and that her actions created unacceptable security risks. What do you think?
Encouraging New Study Indicates Majority Of U.S. Students Can Now Recognize Math #~# WASHINGTON—In what experts are describing as the most marked improvement in American academic performance in decades, a study released Friday by the U.S. Department of Education has found that the majority of the nation’s students have attained the skills necessary to recognize math. “We were encouraged to find that when presented with a series of numbers, mathematical symbols, or even fairly complex equations, more than half of our young people were able to correctly identify math as the academic subject before them,” said Undersecretary of Education Ted Mitchell, who noted that for the first time on record, over 50 percent of the country’s first- through 12th-grade students are readily able to distinguish math from other areas of study when it appeared alongside English, social studies, foreign languages, or history on a standardized test. “While our schools should feel proud of this accomplishment, let’s remember that we must keep striving to do better. Too many Americans still graduate high school without learning to recognize any math beyond basic arithmetic, and our nation’s children still lag far behind students in other developed nations in their ability to identify geometry, algebra, and calculus as math.” A related Education Department study found that a majority of American eighth-graders are now able to look at a map of the earth and point to where the world is.
PETA Praises ‘The Walking Dead’ For CGI Animals #~# People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has awarded AMC series The Walking Dead its annual Innovation in Television Award for the show’s humane decision to use CGI for their upcoming tiger character rather than filming with a live animal. What do you think?
Residents Of Philadelphia, Cleveland At Least Relieved They Can’t Host Another One Of These Fucking Things For Few Decades #~# PHILADELPHIA—Following the conclusion of the Democratic and Republican National Conventions held in their respective cities over the past two weeks, residents of Philadelphia and Cleveland reportedly voiced their deep sense of relief Friday that at least they wouldn’t have to host another one of these fucking things for several decades. “God, that was painful, but if there’s any silver lining, it’s that I think we’re safe from having to put up with this shit again for at least 10 or 20 years, maybe 30 if we’re lucky,” said Philadelphia resident Joanna Meyers, expressing a measure of solace that was said to be shared by millions of other inhabitants in both cities upon watching their downtowns clear of red-white-and-blue–clad delegates, politicians, party officials, and members of the media. “The signs, the chants, the sense of self-importance—I’m done with all of it. It really was a struggle to make it through all that bullshit, but it’s nice to know that it will be a good long while before I’m forced to look at a full-grown man dressed as Robin Hood screaming about income inequality again.” The feeling of comfort was said to be wiped away almost immediately, however, when residents of Philadelphia and Cleveland reportedly came to the realization that both their cities are located in swing states and that they’ll have to put up with the candidates, campaign signs, and a nonstop barrage of advertising messages for three more fucking months.
What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns #~# Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public:
NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit. “Launch and deployment went smoothly, and now our Wireless 1 craft appears to be operating and communicating nominally without the aid of a standard 22,000-mile satellite cable,” said Joint Agency Satellite Division director Sandra Smalley, explaining that, for the first time ever, a NASA satellite has been able to maintain contact with crew on the ground without remaining directly plugged into a computer and energy source at its launchpad. “We’ve come a long way since 1958, back when our satellites could only complete one or two orbits before their cords got wrapped around the earth and they plummeted back down to the ground. Now, with this revolutionary new technology, we actually have the potential to completely eliminate the labor-intensive task of untangling satellites whose cables have crossed paths and become tied in knots.” If successful, Smalley said the advances in cordless technology should be transferrable to the agency’s space probes as well, freeing NASA from having to continuously unspool billions of miles of wire as it has been doing for decades with Voyager 1 and 2.
Attempted Reagan Assassin Will Be Released #~# John Hinckley Jr., who attempted to assassinate Ronald Reagan in 1981, will soon be released from a government psychiatric hospital after 35 years. What do you think?
Hillary Clinton: ‘Young Girls Should Have An Equal Opportunity To One Day Feel Power Coursing Through Their Body’ #~# PHILADELPHIA—In a stirring, heartfelt address Thursday night at the Democratic National Convention in which she laid out her vision for the future of the United States, presidential nominee Hillary Clinton stated that every young girl in the country deserved “an equal opportunity to one day feel raw, unbridled power coursing through her body.” “I want to live in an America where every single girl has the chance to feel that the entire world is her puppet to command and to become intoxicated by the overwhelming euphoria that comes with knowing she can crush anyone, anywhere, at any time,” said Clinton, her voice growing louder and more emphatic as she suggested that Americans needed to do more to close the gender gap and ensure that female youths from all walks of life could pursue futures in which they’re continuously possessed by a rapturous bliss from wielding sweeping authority constrained by no legal or moral bounds. “My dream is that someday soon, it will not seem at all out of the ordinary for my granddaughter to literally quake with exhilaration from holding dominion over millions of people who have no choice but to comply with her every word. I will do everything I can to make sure that she, and every young girl like her, grows up in a nation that places no restrictions on her opportunities to feel total, limitless power pumping through her every vein.” Clinton concluded by listing several policy proposals that she hoped would help spark an unquenchable fire for control deep inside young girls’ very cores and set them on a path to eventually basking in the warm, all-consuming glow of possessing unchecked supremacy.
Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd #~# ‘Family,’ Candidate Says
Hillary Clinton: ‘When I Was A Child, Most Special Interest Groups Wouldn’t Even Consider Donating Large Sums Of Money To A Woman’ #~# PHILADELPHIA—Delivering a historic and uplifting speech to the Democratic National Convention Thursday night, presidential nominee Hillary Clinton told the American electorate that when she was a little girl, most special interest groups would never even consider donating enormous sums of money to a woman. “It’s hard to fathom now, but back when I was growing up in the 1950s, Wall Street banks, major law firms, and every other special interest out there wouldn’t let a woman through the door, let alone funnel inordinate sums of money into her campaign as a means to advance their agendas,” said Clinton, adding that she personally had to work twice as hard as her male colleagues for decades just to be deemed qualified as a viable political conduit for hundreds of millions of dollars controlled by wealthy corporations and narrowly focused institutions. “In those days, it never even occurred to lobbyists that a woman was capable of accepting a gigantic check from a powerful entity in exchange for favorable policies several months later. My, how times have changed. We sure proved them wrong, didn’t we?” Clinton then assured the cheering crowd at the Wells Fargo Center that while she might be the first female presidential nominee of a major political party beholden to well-heeled influence peddlers, she would certainly not be the last.
Chelsea Clinton: ‘My Mother Will Shape This Country Into A Strong, Independent Young Woman’ #~# PHILADELPHIA—Tasked with introducing presidential nominee Hillary Clinton to the stage on the final night of the Democratic National Convention, Chelsea Clinton declared to voters Thursday that her mother would shape the country into a strong, independent young woman. “As president, my mother will work tirelessly to help this nation become the smart, confident, self-assured young lady she always knew it could be,” said Clinton, adding that her mother would ensure that the United States was an emotionally and mentally strong female never afraid to pursue her dreams, no matter how lofty or seemingly difficult they were to achieve. “Hillary Clinton will always be there to provide support and encouragement so America feels empowered to speak up in a room full of men and doesn’t need the validation of strangers to feel comfortable in her own skin. No one is more qualified than my mother to guide this country on the journey to becoming a truly remarkable young woman.” Clinton added that her mother would also do everything in her power to help the nation deal with going through all of these scary changes.
Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech #~# PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention. “I was heading to the green room to make sure the fridge was stocked when I spotted Secretary Clinton standing just off to the side of the stage in the dark, just sort of nodding her head softly while listening to the sound check,” said campaign aide Samantha Hartnett, adding that Clinton showed up to the arena already dressed and in makeup more than 16 hours before she was scheduled to speak and has, by all accounts, not moved from the same spot since arriving. “We asked her if she wanted water or anything, but she seemed pretty deep in thought and didn’t respond at all. Come to think of it, we never actually saw her leave last night. Maybe she never went home.” At press time, Clinton was reportedly spotted still waiting in the same location silently mouthing the words of her entire speech a 14th consecutive time.
Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot #~# WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot. “As soon as he heard Tim Kaine had been chosen as Hillary’s VP, Tom immediately grabbed a big ear of corn, and then things spiraled out of control from there—he must have stayed up until four in the morning shucking, boiling, and eating God knows how many pieces of corn and not saying a single word to anyone,” said Vilsack of her husband, who over the past week had been seen wandering at all hours of the day through nearby farmers markets with yellow kernels and flecks of butter trapped in his unshaven stubble, barely lucid enough to tell the difference between flint corn and ornamental maize. “I don’t know what time he came home last night, but I found him this morning passed out at the kitchen table in a pile of husks and gnawed-on cobs. He says he’s just been working late, but you can smell the sweet corn on his breath. I’m really worried about him.” At press time, the disgruntled secretary of agriculture was spotted at a roadside farmstand in Maryland shouting incoherently at the vendor for cutting him off before he could buy an armful of Golden Cross Bantam.
IOC Bans Companies From Tweeting About Olympics #~# The United States Olympic Committee has warned media outlets and other companies not to post about the Olympics on social media, claiming that only direct sponsors of the Games may use trademarked terms, publish pictures of athletes competing, or use any Olympics-related hashtags. What do you think?
Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact #~# Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods
Trump Sick And Tired Of Mainstream Media Always Trying To Put His Words Into Some Sort Of Context #~# NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the practice was just more evidence of journalists’ bias against him, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump stated Thursday that he was sick and tired of the mainstream media always attempting to place his words into some kind of context. “The corrupt news media is constantly taking the things I say and putting them within the larger context of politics and global events—it’s absolutely sickening what they do,” said Trump, adding that many of the comments he has made—including his call yesterday for Russia to hack into the emails of his presidential opponent Hillary Clinton and publish the contents—had been repeatedly and unfairly contextualized with relevant facts about the world and pertinent information about the situation in which they were stated. “It’s completely shameful to take words I’ve spoken or written and try to connect them to some kind of objective reality. I say something, and the next thing I know, a crooked reporter is telling everyone what I said along with a fact-based explanation of what its implications are and why it matters. It’s ridiculous, and it has to stop.” Trump added that he would not hesitate to ban any news organization from his campaign that continued to twist his statements by implying they held any specific meaning about or relation to the world we inhabit.
Who’s Speaking At The DNC: Day 4 #~# Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the final night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention:
Bound, Gagged Joaquin Castro Horrified By What His Identical Twin Brother Might Be Doing Out On DNC Floor #~# PHILADELPHIA—Struggling to free himself from the tightly wound lengths of rope binding his wrists and ankles together, bruised and gagged Texas congressman Joaquin Castro was reportedly horrified by what his identical twin brother, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julian Castro, might be out doing on the floor of the DNC Thursday. “Help! Help! That’s not me out there—it’s Julian!” the black-eyed, bleeding legislator reportedly shouted through several layers of duct tape from a small storage closet somewhere beneath the Wells Fargo Center, helplessly thrashing around on the bare concrete floor in panic as he imagined which party officials his brother might be speaking to and what policy positions he might be espousing at that very moment. “No, no, no! You have no idea what he’s capable of! No!” At press time, Castro was frantically trying to cut himself loose with a “Clinton/Kaine ’16” pin held in his right hand as he heard the muffled sound of his name being called over the arena’s sound system and the subsequent roar of the crowd somewhere above him.
San Francisco Might Tax Tech Firms To Aid Homeless #~# With the tech industry’s inflation of San Francisco real estate values and the subsequent displacement of the city’s homeless population, city supervisors are proposing a payroll tax be imposed on downtown tech companies, which could garner $20 million for the city’s 6,600 homeless. What do you think?
Obama: ‘Hillary Will Fight To Protect My Legacy, Even The Truly Detestable Parts’ #~# PHILADELPHIA—Emphasizing the former secretary of state’s competence and tenacity during his Democratic National Convention address Wednesday night, President Barack Obama praised Hillary Clinton as someone who would work tirelessly to defend and advance the legacy he had built, even the “truly repugnant parts.” “Secretary Clinton is a driven and brilliant leader who will do everything in her power to preserve what we’ve accomplished over the last eight years, even when those accomplishments were vile and frightening and actively eroded our faith in the inherent morality of this country,” said Obama, adding that Clinton was extremely qualified to continue expanding access to health care and pursuing renewable energy, as well as authorizing extralegal drone strikes against presumed combatants, including American citizens, in sovereign nations across the globe. “Whether it’s strengthening environmental protections or keeping Guantanamo Bay in operation well into the next decade, Hillary is a leader who will continue pursuing the best and worst of this administration’s work. When you vote for her this November, you can be confident knowing you’re electing a president who will strive to rid our world of nuclear weapons, increase grants to low-income college students, make sure that whistleblowers are increasingly afraid to come forward with information about illegal government programs that violate citizens’ rights, and boost automotive fuel efficiency standards.” Obama added that Clinton had already proved her mettle as secretary of state by helping lead the country’s forward-looking and widely lauded “Pivot to Asia” foreign policy initiative while simultaneously advocating for America’s disastrous military intervention in Libya.
Tim Kaine Clearly Tuning Out In Middle Of Boring Vice Presidential Acceptance Speech #~# PHILADELPHIA—Describing the look of total disinterest on his face and noting how he kept peering down at his watch as the speech progressed, sources at the Democratic National Convention said that Virginia senator Tim Kaine clearly began tuning out partway through the boring vice presidential acceptance address Wednesday night. “You could see he was getting more and more restless and bored the longer the speech went on,” said convention attendee Abigail Wills, who mentioned how Kaine fidgeted in place, yawned repeatedly, and allowed his gaze to wander all over the arena throughout the lengthy and mundane remarks, at one point staring directly up at the ceiling for nearly a full minute as he stopped paying attention to what was being said. “You could see him rolling his eyes whenever there was another one of those clichéd, old talking points that had already been stated by every other speaker over the past few days. He even pulled out his phone during one of the particularly slow parts about the need to defend education funding from cuts. I don’t think he could have given less of a shit about what was happening onstage.” At press time, a droopy-eyed Kaine was jolted back to attention after hearing the crowd around him begin clapping, causing him to smile and breathe a sigh of relief that the unbearable address had finally come to an end.
Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center #~# PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net. “You could see him really flailing his arms as he flew over us before tucking into a somersault and slamming into the large video screen at the back of the stage,” said Minnesota delegate Carson Bremmer, who told reporters that the Virginia senator, clad in a star-spangled jumpsuit and helmet, received thunderous applause from the 18,000 people in attendance, who at first simply assumed the collision was part of the act. “When I saw that he was lying completely motionless, I realized something might have gone wrong, and then the paramedics rushed over to help him. After a few minutes, he climbed to his feet and gave the crowd two thumbs up, and the whole arena went nuts.” Sources confirmed that after a brief evaluation by medical personnel, a calm and composed Kaine then began his speech on the themes of hope, perseverance, and integrity.
Biden Regales DNC With Story Of ’80s Girl Band Vixen Breaking Hard Rock’s Glass Ceiling #~# PHILADELPHIA—Devoting a large portion of his speech to the “pioneering, stiffy-inducing” all-female quartet, Vice President Joe Biden regaled the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night with the rousing story of the metal band Vixen breaking hard rock’s glass ceiling in the late 1980s. “You gotta understand, for the first time, you saw these four smokin’ hot chicks who were not only easy on the eyes, but could rock just as hard as any dudes,” said Biden, adding that he quickly learned to appreciate the female metal band’s talent while “yanking [his] crank” to the music video for “Edge Of A Broken Heart.” “Vixen sometimes didn’t get a fair shake from critics—hell, I might’ve done a whole lotta shit-talking after a few too many Schlitzes and a dry spell in the tang department. But the fact is, they paved the way for many of the metal babes who came after them. And that, amigos, is fucking progress in Diamond Joe’s book.” Biden also reportedly reminisced about the time he tried to get backstage to bone “any takers” during Vixen’s 1988 Dover, DE tour stop, but was “cockblocked” by security.
Biden Chokes Up While Describing Hardworking Americans Who Can Only Afford Shitty Ditch Weed #~# PHILADELPHIA—In an emotional address Wednesday night at the Democratic National Convention, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly choked up while describing the thousands of hardworking Americans throughout the nation who are only able to afford shitty ditch weed. “I’ve met good, proud Americans all across our great land who bust their ass day in, day out for the man, and it breaks my goddamn heart knowing that they barely have enough money for this brown, dried-out garbage that’s all fucking seeds and stems,” said Biden, pausing to regain his composure and wipe tears away from his eyes as he recalled the poignant story of an Akron, OH resident who worked tirelessly at two jobs but still lacked the financial means to pack a bowl with killer green bud. “For Christ’s sake, it kills me to see decent folks—folks who are our neighbors, friends, and parents—trying to make a living and doing their very best, and yet they’re still too broke to buy the sticky ganja that gets you totally baked. These are real Americans forced to settle for torching up super-harsh dirt weed that gives you a big headache and just crashes your ass out.” At press time, Biden had reportedly started sobbing in the middle of an anecdote about a “hot little spark plug” in Phoenix who had to scrape resin from her pipe every morning just so that she could wake and bake before work.
Who’s Speaking At The DNC: Day 3 #~# Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the third night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention:
Biden Busted In DNC Parking Lot Selling Bootleg ‘I’m With Her’ T-Shirts #~# PHILADELPHIA—Claiming he had been “in way deeper shit plenty of times before,” Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly busted Wednesday in the Democratic National Convention parking lot for selling bootleg “I’m With Her” T-shirts. “Those cops cost me a good chunk of change when they yanked my merch, but luckily I’ve got an extra box of these babies stashed in the trunk of my Zam,” said Biden, who acknowledged the printing was a bit off-center on his knock-off shirts and that he had “completely blanked” on what Clinton’s logo looked like, but repeatedly insisted the unauthorized apparel was “pretty damn close.” “I could only snag these lousy black shirts, but I guarantee customers can’t beat my kickass prices. Look, you can get ripped off inside the arena for 35 bucks, or Uncle Joe can rip you off in the lot for way cheaper. The choice is fucking clear.” Biden, who was also selling plastic Frisbees bearing a large letter “H” scrawled in permanent black marker, confirmed that customers could also purchase a bag of mushrooms by using the code words “trip balls.”
EPA To Limit Airplane Emissions #~# The Environmental Protection Agency is seeking carbon-emission limits for commercial aircraft, whose jet fuel releases harmful greenhouse gases into the upper atmosphere yet remains unregulated. What do you think?
Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer #~# PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer. “I don’t know if I’d ever heard Dad mention anything about wood or carpentry or anything like that before a couple weeks ago, but now he’s constantly saying things like ‘dovetail joints’ and talking about picking wood with a good grain on it,” said son Kyle Morgan, 15, recounting he and his siblings’ surprise last weekend when their father emerged from the garage with a relatively basic but functional magazine rack. “And just the other day, he took a look at a broken part of the railing on the back deck and said he could probably fix it himself. Who the hell is he all of a sudden?” According to reports, Morgan’s children later glanced at each other in bewilderment as their father got up from the dinner table, grabbed a can of varnish and a rag, and told them he ought to “get back to [his] projects.”
Who Is Tim Kaine? #~# Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine:
Legal Marijuana Sees More Child Poisonings #~# Since Colorado legalized recreational marijuana in 2012, researchers have found that the number of children hospitalized for accidental ingestion has risen significantly, especially in cases where cannabis is contained in edible products like candy. What do you think?
Convention Crowd Really Hoping Bill Clinton Breaks Tension With Joke About How Terrible He Looks #~# PHILADELPHIA—Waiting anxiously for the former president to address what was clearly on the minds of everyone in attendance, sources in the Democratic National Convention audience Tuesday night expressed hope that Bill Clinton would break the tension during his speech with a joke about how utterly awful he looks. “The longer he goes without casually jabbing at his gaunt, feeble body or how droopy every part of his face is, the more uncomfortable it becomes,” said Colorado Democrat Patrick Dubourg, adding that the 42nd president could have at least said something about his hair and makeup person doing an “admirable job, given the circumstances.” “You’d think he might lightheartedly compare his body size from when he was in office to the sort of shriveled-up husk he is now, or maybe thank the crowd for waiting so long while he shuffled up to the podium, just to lighten the weight in the room—but nope, he launched right into praising his wife’s record without so much as mentioning the obvious. Man, this is hard to watch.” At press time, Dubourg had reportedly decided to close his eyes while Clinton spoke and try his best to imagine it was 1992.
Baby-Faced, Muscular Jimmy Carter Tells Democratic Convention The Future Of Medicine Is Bright #~# PHILADELPHIA—Striding energetically onto the stage in shorts and a taut tank top, a baby-faced, muscle-bound Jimmy Carter, 91, reportedly told attendees at the Democratic National Convention Thursday that the future of medicine is exceedingly bright. “The medical advances we’ve made in recent years are astounding, and I’m thrilled to say that the decades to come will only bring greater breakthroughs,” said the brawny, youthful-looking 39th president of the United States, punctuating his statement that medical technology is poised to reach greater and greater heights by raising his arms into the air and showing off his bulging 25-inch biceps. “And for this reason, I believe it’s imperative we elect someone like Hillary Clinton who will continue to invest in cutting-edge medical research, so that all Americans have the opportunity to live long, happy, and healthy lives.” Sources confirmed the chiseled nonagenarian then concluded his speech by making his sinewy pectoral muscles alternatingly bounce up and down for several minutes.
Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot #~# PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley. “I tried to cast my vote as quickly and quietly as possible, but then someone handed me a microphone and told me to speak up—God, it was humiliating,” said Shiefke, adding that in retrospect, he probably should have just skipped day two of the convention to avoid the embarrassment of having to utter the words “I vote for Martin O’Malley” in front of 4,700 other delegates and superdelegates. “Sure, I still think he’d make a great leader, though frankly I’m starting to wonder what the hell I was thinking by committing to vote for him so long ago, before everything played out. Boy, I must have sounded like a total dipshit.” Sources confirmed that Shiefke kept his head down and tried not to make eye contact with anyone else on the convention floor moments later when the entire delegation from Maryland, O’Malley’s home state where he served as a mayor and governor for 15 years, didn’t cast a single vote for the presidential hopeful.
New Zealand To Purge Nation Of Rodents #~# The government of New Zealand has launched a program to eradicate the nation of predators by 2050 in order to preserve endangered birds and other native wildlife, spending an additional $20 million in pest control per year to target all stoats, rats, and possums. What do you think?
Who’s Speaking At The DNC: Day 2 #~# Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the second night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention:
Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life #~# CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life. McManus, who is said to regularly post brazenly offensive tirades in YouTube comment sections dictating how he thinks women should behave and stating which female public figures he believes deserve to be sexually assaulted, reportedly keeps such opinions entirely to himself in person, instead favoring small jabs at female acquaintances’ decision-making abilities and regularly discrediting women’s emotions by casually claiming their reactions are overly sensitive or melodramatic. Sources confirmed that whether McManus bitterly inveighs against women’s sexual activity in long, slur-ridden outbursts or issues softly worded slights or praise that tie a woman’s appearance to her worth depended wholly on whether he’s sitting alone in front of a computer or engaged in an actual conversation in his workplace or social setting. At press time, McManus was said to be looking down at his phone, attempting to quietly undercut a female coworker’s opinions by denying eye contact and ignoring what she was currently saying, while at the same moment discovering he had been blocked on Twitter by another woman he regularly threatened.
New York To Require Ventilation At Nail Salons #~# Following a 2015 New York Times exposé on the working conditions of New York’s nail salons, the state will require all salons to install ventilation systems to minimize the toxic chemicals manicurists are exposed to, though existing businesses have five years to comply. What do you think?
Supporters Aggravated Bernie Sanders Didn’t Use DNC Speech To Get Voters To Act Against Their Own Self-Interest #~# PHILADELPHIA—In response to the Vermont senator calling upon all Democrats to come together to assure the party’s victory in the presidential election this November, thousands of Bernie Sanders supporters were reportedly left deeply aggravated Monday after he didn’t use his Democratic National Convention speech to encourage voters to act against their own self-interest. “I just don’t understand why he didn’t go up there, be honest about everything that’s wrong with this election, and tell us all to take an action that would inflict deep and lasting harm on ourselves by reversing the policies and values we’ve been pushing so hard to expand,” said Kyle Jorgenson, echoing the sentiment of numerous angry supporters who hoped, especially after the recent leak of emails revealing the Democratic National Committee’s bias against Sanders, that the candidate would urge them to approach this year’s election in a way that would result in the immediate erosion of so much of what they believe in and hold dear. “He really should have taken a stand and declared that if the Democrats aren’t willing to nominate a true progressive, then we should all engage in behavior that ultimately serves to benefit a candidate diametrically opposed to those ideals. I can’t believe he would drop the ball on encouraging us to completely disregard the kind of world we’ll be forced to live in for the next four to eight years and instead act out in shortsighted petulance.” Irritated supporters then called upon those who still believed in progressivism to take the necessary measures to set back society for decades to come.
Voice Coming From DNC Sound System During Sanders Address Clearly Hillary Clinton’s #~# PHILADELPHIA—As Vermont senator Bernie Sanders spoke to the crowd about the need for party unity Monday during the first night of the Democratic National Convention, sources reported that the voice coming from the Wells Fargo Center sound system during his address clearly belonged to Hillary Clinton. “I’ve never once doubted that the primary elections were conducted fairly and that Secretary Clinton won in a completely honest and aboveboard manner, so let’s put all these petty little distractions aside and come together in support of America’s next president: Hillary Clinton!” said the voice emitting from the loudspeaker, which was of a noticeably higher vocal register than Sanders’ voice and spoke in a distinctly different cadence from the Brooklyn-born legislator. “We could argue all day about which Democratic committee member was biased in favor of who, or the fairness of superdelegates’ votes—the important thing to remember is that none of those things matter at all, because Hillary won fair and square, no question in my mind. You see, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that Hillary is a person of integrity who shares my progressive ideals—I know I’ve never once doubted that, so why should you?” At press time, the voice resounding through the arena had begun encouraging the crowd to chant “I’m With Her” well after Sanders had closed his mouth and stopped speaking.
‘Fear Not—She Means You No Harm,’ Says Elizabeth Warren, Revealing Docile Hillary Clinton To Crowd #~# PHILADELPHIA—Sending terrified gasps through the audience as she pulled back a thick velvet curtain onstage to reveal the formidable politician, Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren assured the thousands of progressive onlookers at the Democratic National Convention Monday night that the docile Hillary Clinton standing before them meant them no harm. “Ladies and gentlemen, there is no need to fear this candidate, for despite her menacing reputation, she will not attack you or your progressive movement,” said Warren, who then wowed those in attendance by signaling for the compliant Clinton to repeat a series of talking points about regulating financial institutions in an effort to prove that the presumptive Democratic nominee could easily be trained and was not roused into a horrible frenzy by the presence of radical reforms. “Despite the tales you may have heard, she is nothing but a tame, pragmatic Democrat. The terror she stirs inside you belies her true gentle nature. I assure you she is no threat to the policies you hold most dear.” At press time, Clinton had broken free from her iron restraints, ripped off both of Warren’s arms, and tossed the senator’s body into the crowd.
Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’ #~# PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back. “Well, that was a colossal waste of my time,” said Obama with an air of weary irritation before reminding the audience she had been 45 years old at her husband’s inauguration and now she was “fifty-fucking-two.” “You know, looking back on all of it, I’m not sure there was a single worthwhile moment from the past eight years of my life. Nearly a decade down the drain. Jesus. Whatever, it’s almost over.” The first lady then reportedly squinted at the prepared statement scrolling on the teleprompter in front of her, let out a fed-up sigh while slowly shaking her head, and walked silently offstage.
Who’s Speaking At The DNC: Day 1 #~# Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the first night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention:
Revelations From The DNC Email Leak #~# Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak:
CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection #~# PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection. “I’ve already seen at least a dozen pathetic-as-fuck sad sacks who are more than eager to show off their precious little collection of historical pins, but I’m holding out for an absolute bottom-of-the-barrel loser—say, someone in a faded Carter-Mondale visor whose star-spangled blazer is entirely covered in those dumb fucking things,” said Raskin, ruling out a nearby woman wearing a sash full of “No More War” and “League of Women Voters” buttons for not displaying quite enough heartbreakingly genuine excitement in her eyes when asked which pin was her favorite. “The ideal one of these button freaks will have a red, white, and blue donkey painted on their face and scream ‘yes’ or ‘no’ whenever a speaker onstage asks a rhetorical question, like whether we’re going to let the income gap divide us as a nation. I know there are a fuckload of these dipshits out here; I just have to find them.” Raskin then excused himself after spotting an “absolutely perfect” specimen sporting a pin-laden denim vest and boater hat, plastic “2016” glasses, and who was singing and swaying in place to John Mellencamp’s “Pink Houses” as it played over the Wells Fargo Center sound system.
How The IOC Plans To Address Doping #~# In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
Verizon Buys Yahoo For $4.8 Billion #~# Telecommunications giant Verizon has announced they are purchasing Yahoo for $4.8 billion, the newest addition to Verizon’s portfolio after their 2015 acquisition of AOL. What do you think?
Georgia Rules Upskirt Photos Legal #~# The Georgia Court of Appeals has decided via a 6-3 vote that “upskirting,” the act of photographing beneath an unknowing person’s skirt, is technically legal within the state laws due to the fact that the laws as written do not specifically mention or condemn the practice. What do you think?
Clinton Assures Tim Kaine She’ll Continue Serving As President In Event Of Her Death #~# MIAMI—In their first official meeting Saturday as Democratic running mates, Hillary Clinton reportedly pulled aside her vice presidential pick, Virginia senator Tim Kaine, and quietly assured him that in the event of her death while in office, she would continue serving as commander-in-chief. “If something unfortunate happens to me in the next four years, I want you to know that not a single thing changes, and I will still carry out all duties of the presidency,” said Clinton, explaining that should she as president succumb to an illness or accident, all national security, economic, foreign affairs, and social policy decisions would continue to go through her as usual. “I don’t want you to worry or panic if I happen to pass away. Just know that nothing—not a degenerative illness nor the bonds of death—can prevent me from leading this country for the full duration of my term. Dying will not diminish my power, got it? Okay, glad to have you aboard.” Clinton went on to state that, while tragic, her untimely demise would bring with it a number of political advantages, as no longer needing to sleep, eat, or breathe would free up significant amounts of time for her to focus on running for reelection.
Fox News Chief Resigns Amid Harassment Claims #~# Seventy-six-year-old Fox News veteran Roger Ailes has resigned after former co-anchor Gretchen Carlson filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against him and several other female anchors confirmed Ailes’ pattern of predatory behavior. What do you think?
ExxonMobil Vows Lenient Treatment For Any Species That Surrenders Voluntarily #~# IRVING, TX—Addressing the world’s plant and animal life directly during a press event Friday, officials from ExxonMobil vowed to bestow lenient treatment on any species that surrendered to the corporation voluntarily. “I want every bird, fish, marine mammal, and all other flora and fauna to know that any among them who willingly submit to us now without putting up further resistance can expect to be shown a degree of mercy,” said company CEO Rex Tillerson, who added that wildlife will be given a 60-day window to accept the multinational energy conglomerate’s terms and turn themselves in at one of ExxonMobil’s corporate offices. “It is important you understand that your situation is completely hopeless. However, if you end this struggle now and give yourself up to us of your own will, I guarantee you will be spared and treated with a level of dignity, with only a modest punishment. This is far more than I can say for those species who refuse our generous proposal.” Tillerson also offered a substantial reward to any species who provides information about other remaining holdouts.
Tips For Throwing The Perfect Bachelorette Party #~# A bachelorette party is a fun way to make the bride feel special before her big day. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing an unforgettable bachelorette bash:
World Leaders Pour Into Washington To Pay Last Respects To Dying Nation #~# WASHINGTON—Bowing their heads as they solemnly shuffled single-file past Capitol Hill, leaders from around the world reportedly poured into Washington, D.C. this week to pay their last respects to the dying nation. “Given all this great country has achieved, I felt it was important to take the time to come here today in order to show my appreciation and say my final goodbyes,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel, one of over 200 presidents and prime ministers who flew to the U.S. capital to share their favorite memories of the 240-year-old nation and tell the country just how much it always meant to them before it was too late. “When it became clear that time was running out, I felt I had to come here and see this wonderful country one last time, as it has been a dear friend of ours. Sure, we didn’t see eye to eye on everything, but we knew it always meant well. While this is certainly a sad occasion, at least we can take comfort knowing that it had a full, rich life and that this was just its time to go.” Sources confirmed that Pakistan’s president, Mamnoon Hussain, delivered his deepest sympathies on behalf of the Chinese delegation, which was unable to make the trip.
Marilyn Monroe’s Hair To Be Sold At Auction #~# Julien’s Auctions has announced they will soon auction two separate locks of Marilyn Monroe’s hair, estimating that each will fetch between $6,000 and $8,000. What do you think?
Man Checks To Make Sure No One Home Before Recording Song Into Laptop #~# GRESHAM, OR—Poking his head into every room just to be safe, local man Kevin Lorgen reportedly checked his entire apartment Friday to make sure no one else was home before recording a song into his laptop. “Hey, anybody here?” said the 26-year-old, who held the acoustic guitar that he planned to use to accompany his singing while gingerly walking down the hallway to verify that his two roommates were gone. “Eric? Justin? You guys around?” After he had laid down several takes, Lorgen’s heart reportedly dropped when he heard the sound of someone shuffling around in the kitchen.
Trump: ‘Remember, This Is Your Last Chance To Get Out Before This Goes Any Further’ #~# CLEVELAND—After waiting for the cheers and loud chants of his name to die down, Donald Trump reportedly began his headlining speech Thursday night at the Republican National Convention by taking a moment to remind the members of his party this was their final opportunity to get out of this thing before it went any further.
‘Low-Energy Jeb,’ Whispers Jeb Bush Sitting Alone In Dark Watching Televised Trump Speech #~# CORAL GABLES, FL—Staring unblinkingly ahead Thursday night as Donald Trump’s presidential acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention played on the television in front of him, former GOP candidate Jeb Bush reportedly whispered “Low-Energy Jeb” to himself while sitting alone in the dark. “Low-Energy Jeb; Low-Energy Jeb,” the two-term governor of Florida is said to have quietly mumbled under his breath, his expressionless, stubble-covered face and stained T-shirt lit only by the flickering glow of the TV set while he sat on the sofa in his basement rec room, a day-old and half-empty Chinese food takeout container sitting on the side table next to him as he fixedly watched his former competitor in the presidential race speak to a packed arena. “Weak candidate. Weak. By far the weakest of the lot.” At press time, a faint smile had curled across the onetime presidential frontrunner’s chapped lips as he muttered a fully memorized victory speech aloud, thanking the people of Iowa for their resounding support and telling a nonexistent crowd of supporters that they had launched him on his path to the White House.
Trump Takes Moment To Thank All The Fear In Audience For Making This Night Possible #~# CLEVELAND—Saying their contributions had been crucial to the success of his candidacy, GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump took a moment during his speech Thursday to thank all of the fear and insecurity in the audience of the Republican National Convention for making this evening possible. “First and foremost, I’d like to recognize all the fear and resentment here with us tonight because I simply could not have achieved any of this without them,” said Trump, noting how the deep sense of paranoia in the crowd had been there alongside him throughout his campaign, providing constant support since the very day he announced his candidacy. “I know rage is also somewhere out there in the arena, and I certainly want to show my deep appreciation for everything that rage has done for me over the past year. Gosh, there really are so many anxieties in here tonight that have helped this campaign get where it is today that I can’t possibly name them all, so I’ll just say that if we continue to work together, there’s no way we can be stopped this November.” Trump then added that the delusion he had relied on throughout the campaign would certainly play a prominent role in his administration.
Barron Trump Sprints Off Convention Stage In Tears After Missing Note During Clarinet Solo Performance #~# CLEVELAND—Unable to maintain control over his emotions after making the humiliating mistake, Barron Trump, the 10-year-old son of GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump, reportedly sprinted off the Republican National Convention stage in tears Thursday when he missed a note during his solo clarinet performance. “He turned as white as a sheet after he made a mistake during his rendition of ‘This Little Light Of Mine,’ and then his chin started to tremble, and the next thing you know, the poor kid is bawling his eyes out and scrambling as fast as he can off the dais,” said convention attendee Gilbert Relman, who noted how the instrument clattered loudly on the platform as the whimpering youngster dropped it from his hands before tripping over his own feet while fleeing to the wings of the stage, scuffing his shiny black patent leather shoes and ripping a hole in his pleated short pants. “The little guy really took it hard. You could still hear him crying all the way from backstage.” At press time, a furious Donald Trump was reportedly dragging the red-eyed, sniffing Barron by the ear to retrieve his clarinet in front of the crowded convention hall.
Who's Speaking At The RNC: Day 4 #~# Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the final night of the 2016 Republican National Convention:
New Beatles Album Announced #~# In conjunction with Ron Howard’s upcoming Beatles documentary, a new album will debut this fall featuring previously unreleased recordings of the Fab Four’s Hollywood Bowl performances in 1964 and 1965. What do you think?
Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena #~# CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd. “I can’t wait for a chance to open fire on these idiots and mow them all down; I’ll just take ’em right out—bang, bang, bang!” bad guy Harold Kefner reportedly thought to himself, his hand poised near his gun as he grew more and more exhilarated at the idea of emptying his entire extended clip into the group of people amassed around him. According to sources, at the very same moment just several yards away, good guy Benjamin Townes was said to be resting his hand on the grip of the semiautomatic pistol he carried openly on his hip as he exuberantly envisioned himself pumping round after round into those nearby, while reportedly thinking to himself, “I can’t wait for a chance to open fire on any idiot who tries to mow us all down; I’ll just take him right out—pow, pow, pow!” At press time, both men were said to be passing quietly by each other and, unbeknownst to one another, giddily imagining the sound and recoil of their respective firearms as they watched the other’s bullet-riddled body slump to the ground.
Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot #~# CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot. “I saw this large hawk soaring above Section E for most of the morning, but then all of a sudden it just swooped down out of nowhere, snatched Mr. Dole in its talons, and carried him away,” said parking lot attendant Albert Gray, who recalled the long, piercing screech emitted by the raptor as it plunged through the air, seized the 92-year-old by the suit jacket, and soared back up with the former senator held firmly in its clutches. “Poor guy never saw it coming. I tried to warn him, but by the time the words came out, the hawk had grabbed him, and he just went completely limp. Looks like the bird took Mr. Dole up to the roof of the arena where it must have a nest.” At press time, Quicken Loans Arena facility management had confirmed the discovery of a large regurgitated hawk pellet containing Dole’s striped Hermes silk tie.
Austria Weighs Seizure Of Hitler’s Birthplace #~# The government of Austria is prepared to seize the birthplace of Adolf Hitler from its current owner amid fears that it could become a pilgrimage site for neo-Nazis, though some call for its demolition while others support converting the site to a museum or supermarket to depoliticize it. What do you think?
Trump Accidentally Fires Off ‘Boring Mike Pence’ Tweet During VP Speech Before He Can Stop Himself #~# CLEVELAND—Reacting reflexively to the Indiana governor’s speech while watching a live feed backstage at the Republican National Convention, GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump accidentally shot off a “Boring Mike Pence” tweet Wednesday night before he could stop himself. “Boring Mike Pence lacks any charisma or charm,” Trump’s tweet about his running mate read in part, adding that the Tea Party–aligned conservative was a “total disaster” and “very hard to watch.” “Doing a lousy job. Knows nothing about winning. Pathetic.” Trump, who reportedly noticed that the social media post had quickly received over 10,000 retweets, instinctively fired off three more tweets questioning Pence’s fitness for vice president.
Pence Tells Emotional Story Of Longtime Friend Who Was Aborted After Second Trimester #~# CLEVELAND—In a poignant and moving address Wednesday night at the Republican National Convention, Indiana governor Mike Pence recounted the emotional story of a longtime friend of his who was aborted shortly after his second trimester. “I’d like to take a moment to share the heartbreaking story of a dear friend of mine who was tragically aborted at 21 weeks,” said Pence, pausing to compose himself while recalling how much he learned from his old companion and confidant, including an appreciation for quiet reflection and personal growth, before his close friend endured the hardship of being forcibly removed from the uterus. “I’ll never forget meeting him a few days after he implanted into the uterine wall. He was just a little guy. But he and I quickly became the best of friends, and we shared a special bond. From the start, I could tell he was destined for greatness, but unfortunately, due to factors outside his control, things ended up taking a downturn for him, and he never made it to term. Every single day I cherish the friendship we had.” Pence then admitted to the crowd that, to this day, he still gets choked up every time he passes by his friend’s old womb.
Newt Gingrich: ‘It’s An Honor To Address A Crowd That Shares My Utterly Bizarre And Unhealthy Obsession With Hillary Clinton’ #~# CLEVELAND—Visibly moved by attendees’ vitriolic handmade signs and enraged calls for federal prosecution, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich told those at the Republican National Convention Wednesday that it was an honor to address a crowd that shared his extremely bizarre and unhealthy obsession with Hillary Clinton. “I’m grateful to be standing here tonight in front of an arena full of people who, like me, are strangely and excessively possessed by thoughts of Secretary Clinton,” said Gingrich, adding that he found it deeply touching to be surrounded by so many Americans also provoked to inarticulate fury by the very mention of the former first lady’s name. “Most people simply don’t understand why I go on at length about this object of my hateful fixation that occupies my every waking thought, but you people truly get it. In fact, some of you might be even more consumed with this delusional fascination than I am. Which is why it’s such a privilege for me to be here tonight.” At press time, Gingrich’s eyes reportedly welled with tears and he started to choke up as the Quicken Loans Arena crowd began a chant demanding Hillary Clinton’s imprisonment on charges of treason.
Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech #~# CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight. “Hey, Mike, just a heads-up: I’m going to pop onstage a few minutes into your speech to give a little wave and maybe say a few words, but don’t worry about it—I’ll keep it pretty quick,” said Trump, adding that he was also considering coming out a second time about 10 or 15 minutes later to flash a thumbs-up and mention how they were going to “win big” this November. “I’ll just jump out there and amp up the crowd for a little bit and then you can get back to your speech. Actually, I wouldn’t rule out coming out a third time if things start to get slow toward the end and you need a little juice. Come to think of it, you might just want to keep things short and throw it over to me. I’d say do a quick five minutes introducing me and I’ll come right out and take it from there.” Before leaving the vice presidential nominee to make his final preparations ahead of his speech, Trump is said to have offhandedly noted to Pence that a video message from the billionaire businessman would be playing behind him for the duration of his remarks.
Pregnant Women Asked To Leave Convention Hall During Ted Cruz Speech For Safety Of Developing Fetuses #~# CLEVELAND—Warning that remaining in the vicinity could lead to numerous adverse health effects, officials at the Republican National Convention asked all pregnant women to leave Quicken Loans Arena during Ted Cruz’s speech Wednesday night for the safety of their developing fetuses, sources confirmed. “We urge pregnant women in attendance to take precautions to protect their unborn children by exiting the premises for the entirety of Ted Cruz’s speech, as any exposure to the senator could cause significant birth defects,” announced RNC operations manager Caroline Davidson over the arena’s sound system 15 minutes prior to the Texas lawmaker’s scheduled appearance, while volunteers distributed pamphlets outlining further steps pregnant mothers should take to safeguard themselves, including not reentering the building for at least 24 hours after the senator had finished speaking and avoiding direct contact with anyone who was present during Cruz’s speech for the remainder of their pregnancy. “Failure to heed this warning could result in complications for your child’s cranial nerve development, while prolonged exposure has been shown to pose a substantially increased risk of major congenital malformations. We also have reason to believe that any genetic abnormalities stemming from one’s proximity to Cruz could manifest not only in your child, but in their eventual children as well.” Following the announcement, convention officials reportedly distributed lead aprons to those remaining seated in the first 20 rows, instructing attendees to make sure they covered their abdominal organs completely, before welcoming Cruz to the stage.
RNC Attendee Excited To Find Out What He’ll Get To Boo Tonight #~# CLEVELAND—Saying there were a host of issues that still had not been loudly mocked by the audience, Republican National Convention attendee Josh Brady told reporters Wednesday he was excited to find out what he’ll get to boo tonight. “We’ve already booed political correctness and Hillary Clinton a bunch of times, so we might do that some more, or maybe we’ll get to boo some new targets,” said Brady, adding that he’d be thrilled to jeer at a mention of Benghazi or radical Islam, and was elated at the prospect of hissing at “liberal elites” even louder than he had yesterday. “I don’t think I’ve really booed Obamacare as much as I expected to this convention, so maybe we’ll catch up tonight. And who knows, I could get to boo LGBT people or immigrants—ugh, this waiting is killing me!” Brady went on to say that he was also eager to find out which pro-Trump chants he would get to participate in, but acknowledged that there really weren’t any bad options.
Nurses Found Cheating Way Through School #~# The Times of London reports that over the past three years, 1,706 nursing students at British universities have been found guilty of cheating and that nursing students are disproportionately more likely to cheat than those in other programs, a pattern that could prove fatal for patients in their care. What do you think?
Tips For Dealing With Roommates #~# Living with other people can be a challenge, especially when you don’t agree on how to share the common space. Here are The Onion’s tips for dealing with roommates:
Who's Speaking At The RNC: Day 3 #~# Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the third night of the 2016 Republican National Convention:
Nate Silver Ages 40 Years After Accidentally Using Polling Projection Model On Self #~# NEW YORK—Describing how his face wrinkled almost instantaneously as his body shed muscle mass and his hair thinned out and turned gray, sources confirmed that statistician Nate Silver aged 40 years Wednesday after accidentally using an experimental new polling projection model on himself. According to witnesses, the FiveThirtyEight founder had been fine-tuning the powerful new method of forecasting state-by-state election outcomes when he inadvertently triggered the model while working on its poll-weighting formula, causing his body to become hunched and frail and his hearing to rapidly deteriorate. As he continued to absorb the full effects of the model’s predictive power, reports stated that Silver shrank several inches in height and his skin became covered in liver spots and varicose veins, his eyes eventually clouding over with cataracts while his weakening frame bore the full brunt of the algorithm’s calculation of likely electoral college results. At press time, a desperate Silver was reportedly trying to reverse the effects of the projection model by injecting himself with an unstable new youth voter sample.
‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 7 Delayed #~# HBO has confirmed that due to a prolonged production hiatus, their critically acclaimed series Game of Thrones will not return until summer 2017, rendering it ineligible for next year’s Emmy nominations. What do you think?
‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech #~# CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them. “Heed my tragic story well, friends, for the fickle hand of destiny could deal you the very same trials and sufferings I have known,” said Christie to his rapt audience, who listened breathlessly as the onetime presidential candidate told of the misfortunes he had brought upon himself by squandering the early promise of his governorship for a shot at the national spotlight. “You see me now in my diminished form, but know that not so long ago, I was called one of the leading lights of this party. Truly, I was a prince among men. But yet I continued to desire for more, and now see what my cravenness and my intemperate thirst for power have reduced me to. Hear me well, lest on some far-off, cruel day, you find yourself in my selfsame place in your own quest for renown and riches, unable to even secure the most piddling employ from the former adversary whom you forsook your last remaining shreds of dignity to stand beside.” At press time, hundreds of stricken RNC members were reportedly covering their ears and running for the arena’s exits as Christie began to recite the grotesque, harrowing tale of spending the past several months campaigning alongside Donald Trump.
Paul Ryan Delivers Impassioned 10-Minute Pained Facial Expression #~# CLEVELAND—In what pundits described as an intense and heartfelt appearance, House Speaker Paul Ryan delivered an impassioned 10-minute pained facial expression Tuesday night at the Republican National Convention. “Though he was only onstage for a short time, Paul Ryan was able to convey his point clearly tonight and with a palpable level of conviction,” said political analyst Wendy Coates, who noted that Ryan had been particularly forceful while gazing out into the audience with a dead-eyed stare, gripping the lectern tightly with both fists, and contorting his brow into a pronounced furrow. “The several minutes he spent grimacing and appearing extremely physically uncomfortable were especially powerful, as was his transition to that memorable long, drawn-out sigh. I think his message really resonated with a lot of viewers tonight.” According to both political commentators and regular RNC viewers, the highlight of Ryan’s appearance was his closing 60 seconds of extremely emphatic jaw clenching.
Who's Speaking At The RNC: Day 2 #~# Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the second night of the 2016 Republican National Convention:
Trembling, Pallid RNC Attendees Undergo Second Day Of Firearm Withdrawal #~# CLEVELAND—Noting that the Secret Service had barred the possession of guns at this year’s Republican National Convention, sources at Quicken Loans Arena reported Tuesday that hundreds of trembling, pallid attendees were currently struggling to endure a second day of firearm withdrawal. “Boy, the people here are in a pretty rough spot—all the color’s drained out of their faces and almost all of them are muttering something to themselves,” said arena maintenance team leader Dave Walsh, who noted that it was easy to identify the victims of gun withdrawal by their wide, bloodshot eyes, thick beads of perspiration on their foreheads, and the way they wandered aimlessly around the convention floor grasping reflexively at their hips in a vain effort to grip a weapon that wasn’t there. “I’ve caught at least a dozen delegates begging members of the security detail for a quick peek at their sidearms, and just a few minutes ago I walked right in on a guy sobbing in the men’s room.” Walsh added that things appeared to be particularly dire over by the Texas and Arkansas delegations, where every member was curled up silently on the floor clutching their knees tightly to their chests with a dead, expressionless look frozen in their eyes.
Melania Trump Accused Of Plagiarizing Michelle Obama #~# In her speech last night at the Republican National Convention, Melania Trump spoke on the themes of hard work and striving to achieve one’s dreams, passages that critics say were lifted nearly verbatim from Michelle Obama’s 2008 speech at the DNC. What do you think?
Curt Schilling Just Going To Assume He Has Speaking Slot At RNC #~# MEDFIELD, MA—Despite not receiving a formal invitation or any other signal that he had been tapped to speak, former Major League Baseball pitcher and outspoken conservative Curt Schilling reportedly just went ahead and assumed this week that he’ll be addressing the audience at the Republican National Convention. “I haven’t heard anything, but if I had to guess, I’d say I’ll probably get about 30 minutes on day three or maybe the morning of day four to talk about how we need to turn this country around,” said the retired right-hander, adding that he had already given some thought to an analogy likening the enactment of Donald Trump’s economic and national security policies to coming from behind to win Game 7 of the World Series. “It’d be nice to know if they want me to hit traditional family values or Muslim terrorists or how far America will go downhill if Hillary is elected, but I’m fine either way. I can always just get up there, probably after a speech by one of the Pawn Stars guys or maybe Steven Seagal, and just lay into Obama and PC culture for however long they need.” Schilling said he had also prepared some remarks about how abortion constitutes murder on the “very good odds” he’d be asked to weigh in for a live cable news segment from the RNC floor.
Police Outside Convention Hoping For Opportunity To Take Swing At George Washington Impersonator #~# CLEVELAND—Looking on as the grown man paced around outside Quicken Loans Arena in breeches and repeatedly proclaimed that he “cannot tell a lie,” police officers posted outside the Republican National Convention told reporters Tuesday they were desperately hoping for any opportunity to take a swing at a demonstrator dressed as George Washington. “I swear, the second things start getting out of hand and I get the go-ahead, I’m going right over there and knocking that fucking wig off,” said Cleveland police sergeant Dennis Tholen, explaining how he had been stifling an urge all day to confiscate the middle-aged individual’s mock 18th-century long rifle and ram its stock right into his ruffled cravat. “Oh man, what I would give to be able to shoot him square in the face with my beanbag gun while he’s reading from his copy of the Declaration of Independence. Then I’d get my truncheon in under that stupid fucking coat of his, put him in an armlock, and slam him tricorner-hat-first into the pavement. Boy, I really hope I get the chance.” Tholen added that while it might be too much to ask for, he would love to hear the Washington impersonator switch from his affected colonial-era diction into scared, earnest pleas not to be arrested after the FlexiCuffs were placed on him.
Officials Unveil Plan To Convert Underused Senate Chamber Into Storage Facility #~# WASHINGTON—Discussing the idea at their monthly operations meeting Tuesday, facilities managers responsible for overseeing the U.S. Capitol and its grounds devised a new plan to repurpose the building’s seldom-used Senate chamber by converting it into a storage room. “It’s been years since people have used that room to do work of any kind, so from an efficiency standpoint, reallocating the space is kind of a no-brainer,” said Capitol building superintendent Mark Reed, describing how the chairs and desks would be removed and replaced with shelving, storage bins, pallet racks, and other warehousing equipment. “After all, it’s a pretty big room, especially with those high ceilings. It just doesn’t make any sense to have it sitting there unused.” Reed went on to describe a long-term plan to demolish all three Senate office buildings, noting that if current trends continue, lawmakers will eventually spend 100 percent of their time on the road raising funds for their next campaign.
Starbucks, McDonald’s Block Porn From Wi-Fi #~# Multiple anti-porn activist groups have successfully petitioned both McDonald’s and Starbucks to set up filters on their Wi-Fi networks to block customers from accessing pornographic websites. What do you think?
Who's Speaking At The RNC: Day 1 #~# Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the first night of the 2016 Republican National Convention:
Secret Service Rooftop Sniper Team Depressed By Sprawling View Of Cleveland #~# CLEVELAND—Shaking their heads as they looked out at the vast expanse of urban sprawl and blighted neighborhoods spreading out in all directions, members of a Secret Service sniper team positioned on a rooftop outside the Republican National Convention were reportedly left deeply depressed Monday by their view of Cleveland. “Jesus Christ, it’s just miles of gray and brown no matter where you look,” said Secret Service agent George Kelley, who sighed deeply after shifting his gaze from the city’s sparse, drab skyline to a congested highway flanked on both sides by vacant lots and decrepit buildings. “Man, I thought maybe if I looked the other way I would feel better, but there’s just a murky river full of floating garbage on this side. I just hope I can come down soon.” At press time, Kelley had reportedly become even more depressed upon zooming in on a potential threat standing beside the city’s abandoned, boarded-up aquarium.
Kasich Refuses To Suspend Open Carry During RNC #~# Cleveland police have asked Gov. John Kasich to temporarily restrict Ohio’s open carry laws in advance of the RNC to help quell violence, though Kasich has refused this request, saying his role doesn’t grant him power to override the law. What do you think?
Nation Struggling To Keep Track Of How Far Along It Is In All Its Ongoing Grieving Processes #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—In response to the spate of shootings that have erupted across the country in recent weeks, the U.S. populace told reporters Monday it was struggling to keep track of how far along it was in all the various grieving processes it was currently going through. “It’s getting really hard to juggle all the different stages of grief I’m in—I’m pretty sure there were at least four tragedies I was trying to come to grips with yesterday when I learned about the senseless attack on police officers in Baton Rouge, which plunged me right back into the earliest stage of shock and despair,” said Gaithersburg, MD resident Katelyn Robbins, echoing the sentiment of millions of Americans who, after witnessing the slew of horrific events, have frequently had to pause to remind themselves of the extent of their emotional progress in their overlapping mourning processes. “Right now, I’m trying to finally reach some closure regarding the Orlando nightclub shooting while also still resolving my anger from last week’s Dallas massacre. And this whole time, I feel like I’ve been stalled on working through my sadness over Philando Castile’s shooting because I’ve been so busy dealing with all the new tragedies that keep popping up. Honestly, it’s a bit overwhelming trying to keep all of my feelings straight.” The nation then expressed its wish for at least a solid week without an unconscionable act of violence so it could make some headway on all its grieving, but admitted that was probably unrealistic.
Report: Majority Of Statements Now Prefaced By Phrase ‘In Light Of Recent Events’ #~# MINNEAPOLIS—According to a study published this week by the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Linguistics, the majority of statements made in the United States today are prefaced by the phrase “In light of recent events.” “Our survey of American speech patterns found that 71 percent of all utterances now start with some variation of the words ‘Given what occurred earlier today,’ or, slightly more rarely, ‘Based on what we know at this point,’” said the report’s author, Karen Sodhi, who added that nearly four in five of these remarks begin with the speaker taking a deep breath and then pausing for a moment to gather themselves before talking aloud. “We also determined that more than two-thirds of all statements spoken in the U.S. are delivered in a solemn, emotionally strained, and occasionally broken tone of voice. Moreover, the data show a nearly one-to-one correlation between starting a declaration with the phrase ‘In light of recent events’ and shortly thereafter making a call for some thing or another to come to an end.” The report further noted that the bulk of statements made by Americans now also conclude with the phrase “We must stand together.”
Cleveland Ukrainian Museum Pulling Out All Stops To Prepare For Onrush Of RNC Visitors #~# CLEVELAND—Speaking to reporters while polishing a display of eastern Galician embroidery, the executive director of the Cleveland Ukrainian Museum-Archives, Taras Szmagala Sr., confirmed Monday that employees had busily spent the past several weeks gearing up for the inevitable onrush of visitors during the Republican National Convention. “When all the delegates and party officials start showing up today, we’ll be ready with all hands on deck—we’ve got staff working extra shifts, a brand-new audio tour for our Easter egg and famine exhibits, and several extra boxes of pamphlets stacked under the ticket desk for easy access,” said Szmagala, noting that the museum gift shop had just received new shipments of Kiev coat-of-arms patches and varenyky cookbooks to handle the additional demand during the four-day meeting to officially nominate the GOP’s presidential candidate. “I also rented a dozen more rope posts so we can control the line and have it wrap neatly along the side of the building when the RNC events let out and people start making their way over here. Our goal is to get everyone inside and learning about Ukrainian history as quickly and seamlessly as possible.” Szmagala then reportedly double-checked his supply of cardstock for printing out new membership cards, saying he didn’t want to be caught off guard again like he was during this year’s NBA Finals.
​Report: All Standing Between Trump And Presidency Is Nation That Made Him Billionaire Celebrity #~# WASHINGTON—According to a Pew Research Center report released Monday that analyzed the Republican candidate’s chances of winning the general election in November, the only thing currently standing between Donald Trump and the presidency is the nation that made him a billionaire celebrity. “We are looking at an extremely tight race for the White House that will ultimately come down to the preferences of an electorate that has enabled Trump to amass an incredible fortune and maintain a prominent place in the national spotlight for over 30 years,” said lead researcher Moira Larson, explaining that the lone remaining obstacle to Trump becoming commander-in-chief was securing enough support from voters who routinely read multiple articles about him every single day and tune in to his every televised appearance just to see him speak. “Based on our findings, the people of this country—who have enabled him to profit wildly off of numerous luxury products and real estate holdings, closely followed his romantic exploits in the tabloids for decades, and watched multiple television shows he’s hosted or produced—are now the sole barrier to Trump taking the highest political office in the world.” The report follows on the heels of a related study showing that the major obstacle standing between Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton and the Oval Office is a nation that doesn’t like women possessing any authority whatsoever.
Contrarian Amazon User Completely Upends Critical Consensus On Microfiber Towels #~# DAYTON, OH—Throwing the generally positive customer review section into a state of disarray, a contrarian Amazon user reportedly upended the critical consensus Monday by giving a set of three Sunland-brand $18.99 microfiber bath towels a one-star rating. “I don’t know what product everyone else here is talking about, because the towels I received are awful,” wrote Amazon customer and irate iconoclast TobyPotts74, shattering a string of 19 consecutive glowing reviews that unanimously agreed the towels were a good value compared to others in the same price range. “They absorb water OK, but just OK; no better than terry cloth. Also the listing says the color is beige, which is WRONG. These are much closer to tan. Very disappointing. Don’t waste your money on these.” Citing principle, the radical dissenter confirmed that, despite the $7.99 return shipping fee, he would be sending the towels back to Amazon. 
Alzheimer’s Symptoms Could Present In Early Childhood #~# A new study has confirmed that the APOE gene, long understood to indicate higher risk of Alzheimer’s disease, can display memory-related symptoms as early as preschool, with children who carry the gene performing worse on assessments of memory and thinking skills. What do you think?
Trump Thinking Of Beginning RNC Speech With Sexist Tirade He Was Saving For Special Occasion #~# NEW YORK—As he made his final preparations for this week’s Republican National Convention, GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters Sunday he was considering leading off his headlining speech with an exceptionally offensive sexist tirade he had been saving for the perfect occasion. “Let me tell you, this vulgar, chauvinist rant that I’ve been keeping in my back pocket for months now is one of my best ever,” said Trump, adding that he could never waste such an incredibly insulting diatribe against women’s intelligence and individual agency on an ordinary stump speech. “I’ve worked hard on this; it belittles women’s efforts at equality, repeatedly objectifies them, and really puts them in their place. You know, maybe I should hold onto it—it would be perfect to throw in Hillary’s face on election night, or even at my inauguration. It’s so, so fantastic.” At press time, sources confirmed that Trump had decided to debut the derogatory tirade alongside a “really incredible” new epithet for Mexicans in his opening remarks at the first presidential debate.
GOP Establishment Relieved After Conventionally Abhorrent Beliefs Make Way Onto Presidential Ticket #~# NEW YORK—Following Donald Trump’s official announcement that he had picked conservative Indiana governor Mike Pence as his running mate, prominent members of the GOP establishment reportedly expressed their relief Saturday that conventionally abhorrent beliefs would be represented on the Republican presidential ticket. “Gov. Pence is truly committed to the GOP’s most cherished, longstanding hatreds, so we couldn’t be happier to see him chosen as our party’s vice presidential candidate,” said Heritage Foundation president Jim DeMint, adding that the selection of someone with so many years of experience engaging in traditional discrimination against gays and women had eased the fears of Republican officials worried by Trump’s more unorthodoxly regressive views. “Don’t get me wrong; it’s great that Trump is bringing in millions of bigoted new voters with his fresh ideas for narrow-minded and detestable policies. But at the same time, there are certain awful beliefs that have helped to guide the conservative movement for decades, and the inclusion of Pence on the ticket is proof that those intolerances still have a place in today’s GOP.” DeMint added that he hoped Trump would also balance out his own crackpot fiscal proposals by choosing a few cabinet members with more conventionally discredited economic theories.
Humanity Hoping It Only Has To Put Up With Few More Millennia Of This Shit #~# NICE, FRANCE—In the wake of the Bastille Day terrorist attack in Nice, France that killed 84 people and injured over 200 more, humankind told reporters Friday it was hoping it would only have to put up with a few more millennia of this shit. “Right now, it feels like so many innocent people are dying in senseless violence around the world every single day, but I remain hopeful that we’ll be able to finally move past this shit in the next five or six thousand years,” said Norfolk, VA resident Bethany Millner, one of the world’s 7.4 billion individuals who expressed optimism that the ongoing cycle of appalling tragedies impacting virtually every country on earth would steadily taper off and eventually cease completely in the next several dozen centuries or so. “Everyone’s so sick and tired of dealing with this fucking horror all the time, but I genuinely believe that we could all live peacefully together by maybe the year 8000 or 8500. Maybe that’s too optimistic, but I think if we just work at it for a few hundred generations, we can do it.” Humanity later added that, if it was truly being honest with itself, given its history, ending such horrific acts once and for all might actually take a geological eon or two.
‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters #~# NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday. “While this was a horrific and unspeakable tragedy, it’s important to remember that human beings are, at their core, good, kind, and decent,” residents of every country reportedly mumbled under their breath after hearing the latest updates on the French attack, taking a brief moment to emit a heavy sigh before continuing to speak in affectless, barely audible tones. “The people who carried out this atrocity don’t represent [unintelligible], and we can’t let [unintelligible].” At press time, the world populace began to say “Evil will never…” before trailing off, shaking their heads, and slowly walking away.
FBI Ends Search For D.B. Cooper #~# The FBI has announced that, after 45 years, they are ending their active investigation surrounding the infamous D.B. Cooper, who hijacked a Boeing 727 in 1971 and parachuted into the mountains with a $200,000 ransom, never to be found. What do you think?
Trump Campaign Selects Mike Pence As Concrete Reminder That This All Really Happening #~# NEW YORK—Confirming reports circulating in the media, members of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign officially revealed Friday they have selected Indiana governor Mike Pence as a concrete reminder that this—all of this—is actually, legitimately happening. “I am honored to announce that Gov. Mike Pence will be joining the campaign [as a material indication that everything you’ve seen and heard is indeed reality],” said Paul Manafort, the chairman of the Trump campaign, declaring that the governor would bring to the Republican ticket a proven conservative record and a stark physical embodiment of the realization that the past year has not just been some crazy dream, but rather a series of actual events that is building to an honest-to-God electoral vote come November. “Gov. Pence has served his state as a strong and principled leader, and he is determined to serve his country as [a glaring signal that, at this point, it is much too late to turn back the clock or undo what has been begun, and that the only thing that can be done is recognize just how very, very real this all, in fact, is]. We’re happy to have him aboard.” At press time, Pence had taken the stage to deliver the emphatic message that he, Trump, the stage they were standing on, the banner behind them, and the large crowd cheering their names were 100 percent genuine, existent entities and not simply figments of the nation’s fevered imagination.
Patriots Hoping Emaciated Tom Brady Will End Hunger Strike Over Suspension Appeal In Time For Training Camp #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Despite the severely emaciated quarterback vowing to continue his protest until his four-game suspension is overturned, members of the New England Patriots told reporters Wednesday they remain hopeful that Tom Brady will end his hunger strike in time for training camp. “While Tom is adamant that his self-starvation remains the best way to draw attention to his ongoing legal battle, we are all optimistic that he will agree to begin eating before full practices get underway,” said Patriots owner Robert Kraft, acknowledging that the lethargic and sore-covered Brady, who for the past 23 days has refused all sustenance beyond water, has lost over 40 pounds and is no longer capable of standing up under his own power. “I know he wants to keep going until his case reaches the Supreme Court, but he’s already partially blind and his hair has started to fall out, so we’re all begging him to just eat something. Tom is very determined, though, so this could very well extend into the preseason.” At press time, the NFL refused to comment on fresh allegations that they have begun restraining and force-feeding Brady through a nasal tube once a day.
Who Is Mike Pence? #~# Indiana governor Mike Pence will reportedly be Donald Trump’s running mate on the Republican ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Pence:
Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule #~# LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant. “Sure, it was pretty bad and everything, but not nearly as horrible as I expected,” said the 32-year-old marketing manager, adding that the wings he ordered were only marginally worse than those served at most bars, and that the waitstaff wasn’t nearly as slow or inattentive as anticipated. “Everyone’s always talking about how much this place sucks—and it does—but it isn’t blow-you-away bad, you know? When I walked in here, I was expecting everything to be completely appalling, but even the atmosphere in this place is borderline tolerable. Overall, I thought it would be way shittier.” At press time, Tidwell admitted he was beginning to change his mind about the Buffalo Wild Wings as he felt the first sharp pains of a stomach ache.
Trump’s General Election Strategy #~# With the primaries behind them, the presumptive nominees from both parties must now assess how to approach the general election. Here is how Donald Trump is strategizing his campaign moving forward:
Clinton’s General Election Strategy #~# With the primaries behind them, the presumptive nominees from both parties must now assess how to approach the general election. Here is how Hillary Clinton is strategizing her campaign moving forward:
Lance Bass To Host Nation’s First Gay Dating Show #~# Logo TV will soon debut the first U.S. reality dating show featuring all gay men, a series titled “Finding Prince Charming” and hosted by former ’N Sync member Lance Bass. What do you think?
Trump Shaping General Election Strategy With Team Of Most Trusted Erratic Impulses #~# NEW YORK—In a private conference Wednesday in his Trump Tower residence, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump reportedly began shaping his general election strategy with a team of his most trusted erratic impulses. “Every decision and course of action I have taken in this campaign has been made in consultation with my loyal team of volatile impulses, and I will continue to work closely with these base, capricious urges to devise a comprehensive plan of attack to defeat Hillary Clinton in November,” said the business mogul, adding that he had the utmost confidence in the direction provided by the influential group of haphazard whims, wild compulsions, and aggressive outbursts that have been advising his actions for decades. “On domestic issues such as immigration, women’s rights, and race relations, I will rely heavily on the exceptional recommendations of whatever just pops into my head. Though I will likely lean on my most dependable impulses, irrational fear and baseless accusation, to lay out a foreign policy agenda that really speaks to the American people.” At press time, Trump’s team of erratic inclinations was reportedly delegating tasks to be carried out by a collection of the GOP candidate’s most feverish knee-jerk reactions.
Monkeys’ Tools In Brazil Date Back 700 Years #~# Carbon dating confirmed that stone tools used by capuchin monkeys in Brazil date back to the 1300s, suggesting South American monkeys wielded tools much earlier than previously thought, and perhaps even inadvertently imparted their technique of shelling cashews to 15th-century explorers. What do you think?
Texas Requires Burial Of Fetal Tissue #~# Texas Governor Greg Abbott has imposed a new requirement that abortion providers turn over fetal remains to a funeral home for burial or cremation, a measure already in effect in Arkansas, Georgia, and Ohio. What do you think?
KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings. “Sure, these wings are a little bit older, and the package may have a couple dents in it, but they’re a lot more affordable than the brand-new ones,” said Kelly Lipscomb of Minot, ND as she stopped by a local KFC to try the gently used menu item, which varies in price from $1.99 to $6.99 depending on how many weeks ago the wings were prepared. “You can lay down 14 bucks for those fancy new hot wings, but those things start to lose value the moment you drive out of the KFC parking lot. Money-wise, it just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Besides, these used ones still got plenty of meat left on the bone, and to be honest, they really don’t taste all that different than they do when they’re new.” Company officials confirmed that KFC customers will also be able to purchase a discount value meal that includes previously owned hot wings, a secondhand medium soft drink, and a certified 2012 homestyle biscuit.
Obama Signs Conservation Act To Preserve Nation’s Last Remaining Area Of Common Ground #~# WASHINGTON—Taking action to protect the rapidly dwindling vital resource, President Barack Obama signed an executive order Wednesday that would preserve the last remaining expanse of common ground in the nation. “America’s common ground is one of our country’s most valuable assets, and one that is under threat today like never before,” said Obama during a press conference following the signing of the act, which establishes broad federal protections for the shrinking area of shared values and mutual understanding that has suffered severe erosion in recent years. “Our country’s once vast stretches of common ground are part of our national heritage. Unfortunately, if they continue to be destroyed at the rate they have been over the past decade, there will soon be nothing left. This action is a first step toward ensuring that future generations of Americans will also be able to experience the common ground we too often take for granted.” Obama added, however, that there was sadly nothing that could be done to reduce the toxic levels of vitriol that had tainted the nation’s dialogue.
Woman Who Doesn’t Use Facebook Completely Out Of Touch With Friends’ Prejudices #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Admitting that her lack of a Facebook account often leaves her feeling disconnected, local woman Laura Starling confirmed Wednesday that she’s entirely out of touch with her friends’ prejudices. “I never got around to joining Facebook, so I’m basically in the dark about what kind of narrow-minded opinions my old classmates and former coworkers have these days,” said Starling, who added that, because she never logs into the popular social media site, it has grown increasingly difficult in recent years to keep up with her longtime acquaintances’ heated knee-jerk responses to events in the world that reveal their intolerant viewpoints and irrational biases. “It’d be nice to know which of my friends hold grudges against which minority groups, and who condescendingly writes off every police officer or gun owner in the country. Maybe I should sign up just so I’m not left out whenever someone has a big announcement about which race, religion, or political party is destroying the country.” At press time, Starling had reportedly decided to skip joining Facebook and just catch up with her old college roommate’s prejudices over the phone.
‘Pokémon Go’ Leads To Nintendo Stock Surge #~# Reversing months of lagging sales, the release of Nintendo’s smartphone game Pokémon Go has resulted in a 25 percent jump in the company’s stock, with a daily active user base set to surpass both Twitter and Tinder. What do you think?
Macy’s Ordered To Stop Detaining Suspected Shoplifters #~# A judge has ordered Macy’s to halt the practice of detaining suspected shoplifters within holding cells at their stores and releasing them into police custody upon payment of a fine, a controversial theft protocol known as civil recovery. What do you think?
What Is Pokémon Go? #~# Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.
Nation Surprised It Took So Long For Primaries To Weed Out Candidate With Genuine Principles #~# PORTSMOUTH, NH—With Bernie Sanders effectively conceding the race for the Democratic presidential nomination just two weeks before his party’s national convention, the American populace expressed their collective astonishment Tuesday that it had taken so long for the primary election process to weed out a candidate with genuine principles. “Wow, usually people who have passionate, heartfelt beliefs that they’re unwilling to compromise are the first to go, but Bernie held on through every state,” said 37-year-old Arizona resident Randall Strong, marveling aloud as he tried and failed to recall the last time a candidate with an earnest and enduring commitment to a set of deeply held values even made it to Super Tuesday. “I’m genuinely amazed. Most of the time, people who believe in what they say are out after Iowa or New Hampshire, if they even make it onto the national stage in the first place. How he ran on a platform of strong, unwavering convictions aimed at improving the lives of average Americans is completely beyond me.” The American public admitted they would not be surprised at all, however, by how short a time it would take for them to completely forget about the honest principles championed by Sanders.
Bernie Sanders Agrees To Drop Out Of Race In Exchange For 13-Hour Speaking Slot At Convention #~# PORTSMOUTH, NH—Following a closely contested primary election cycle that left him several hundred delegates shy of securing his party’s nomination, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders agreed to drop out of the race for president Tuesday in exchange for a 13-hour speaking slot at the Democratic National Convention, sources confirmed. “After discussing matters closely with the Clinton campaign and members of the DNC, we were able to reach an agreement by which Sen. Sanders will suspend his bid for the nomination, and in return, will receive an opportunity to speak on the convention’s main stage from 1 p.m. Tuesday, July 26 to 2 a.m. on the 27th,” said Sanders campaign senior advisor Tad Devine, noting that according to the terms negotiated, the first eight hours of the continuous speech would cover wealth inequality, while the remaining 300 minutes would be split among education, health care, unions, and a number of other issues. “While we were initially offered four hours spread over multiple afternoons, we were insistent that anything less than 10 hours of uninterrupted speaking time was not sufficient for Sen. Sanders to share his vision for the country that has compelled so many people to stand with him this election season. Ideally, the senator would have been able to talk for two consecutive days, but we determined this was a reasonable compromise.” Devine went on to say that Sanders and his speechwriters will have to be very methodical about constructing their message, since under such time constraints, every word will have to count.
‘Secretary Clinton Is A Different Person Than Donald Trump,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Ringing Endorsement #~# PORTSMOUTH, NH—Putting aside the policy disagreements and occasional acrimony that marked the pair’s heated, months-long presidential primary election contest, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders offered a ringing endorsement of Hillary Clinton today by stating that she is a different person than Donald Trump. “Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are separate people,” said Sanders, throwing his support behind Clinton in a rousing 25-second speech in which he praised the former secretary of state as someone who has a different name than the Republican nominee and who is altogether a distinct being from him. “Donald Trump is one person and Hillary Clinton is another person. They are not the same person.” Sanders then reportedly concluded the resounding endorsement by stating that “Hillary Clinton is a choice for president,” before exhaling audibly and walking quietly off the stage.
Regular On Sandy Hook Truth Forum Complaining About Recent Decline In Quality Of Discussion #~# PARKVILLE, MD—Disappointed by the recent decrease in the frequency of new threads as well as a seeming influx of uneducated new users, local man and SandyHookTalk.com regular Brett Patchke complained Tuesday about the site’s notable decline in discussion quality. “God, who are all these idiots? They don’t know the first thing about how the shooter was drugged and hypnotized by government agents,” said Patchke, lamenting that his latest post discussing which Obama cabinet officials authorized the elaborately staged ruse only received 31 views and two replies, neither of which added any meaningful contributions regarding the federal government’s efforts to confiscate every privately owned firearm in the United States. “You used to be able to post evidence showing how the actors playing local residents had previously appeared in the Aurora, Colorado shooting coverage and you’d get thoughtful responses from other knowledgeable users who would immediately share a link to official FBI statistics that showed no murders recorded in Newtown in 2012. Now everyone’s always steering the conversation off-topic to the type of rifle used or endlessly discussing how many additional shooters there were. This is turning into a huge waste of my time.” Patchke added that the forum’s moderators could learn a thing or two from the consistently engaging and professional site WhoBillClintonHadKilled.net.
Facebook Status Update Field Dreading What Area Man About To Type Into It #~# NEW YORK—Bracing itself as the 37-year-old opened the app in evident frustration, the status update bar at the top of area man Peter Daigle’s Facebook news feed expressed a profound sense of dread Tuesday about whatever the man was about to type into it, sources confirmed. “Oh God, he’s really worked up about something—I don’t want to think about what’s coming,” reported the text field, noting with dismay that Daigle had immediately enabled his phone’s caps-lock feature and set his sharing option to “Public.” “Christ, a few of the first words are pretty badly misspelled, and he definitely isn’t slowing down to correct them. Oh no, now he’s adding a link. Jesus, I can’t even look.” At press time, sources confirmed the status box was frantically attempting to crash Daigle’s app after he had finished entering the phrase “It’s time someone came out and said this.”
Twitter Decries Site That Displays Deleted Tweets #~# PostGhost, an online archive of tweets that public figures wrote and subsequently deleted, has been sent a cease and desist order by Twitter, who argued that their users’ “right to deletion” must be protected. What do you think?
Tim Duncan Proudly Reflects On All The Degrees He Accumulated During 19-Year NBA Career #~# SAN ANTONIO—Speaking to reporters after announcing his retirement from professional basketball, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan proudly reflected on all of the academic degrees he accumulated during his 19 years in the NBA. “You know, all of my diplomas are special to me, but my Ph.D. in marine chemistry from MIT will probably always mean the most,” said Duncan, adding that successfully defending his dissertation before the program’s faculty board in 2008 was one of the personal highlights of a career that also saw him complete graduate degrees in electrical engineering, European history, and Latin from Northwestern, UCLA, and Boston College, respectively. “My first Master of Science degree in 1998 definitely seemed like the hardest one to earn, although I think finishing two more [in sociology and statistics] during back-to-back years was pretty tough too. Of course, finally standing on the graduation stage last May to accept my joint JD-MBA from the University of Texas is also something I’ll never forget.” Duncan added that none of his accomplishments would have been possible without the support of his family and faculty advisors.
Police Chief Says There Just A Few Bad, Deeply Ingrained Prejudices Giving All Cops A Bad Name #~# BENSON, AR—In response to widespread criticism of law enforcement officers following several high-profile police encounters in recent weeks that resulted in the shooting deaths of black men, Benson police chief Lewis Marsh sought to assure the public Monday by explaining that there are just a few bad, deeply ingrained prejudices out there giving all cops a bad name. “The fact is, among the thousands of brave law enforcement personnel working to keep us safe, there are only a few longstanding and deep-rooted biases that are ruining the reputations of all officers,” said Marsh, who emphasized that citizens should not rush to condemn the nation’s police forces simply because of the presence of one or two narrow and entrenched opinions about minorities that inform the way policing is often carried out. “The characters of officers across the country have been tarnished by a small handful of terrible preconceptions that are capable of dictating their actions, and that’s not fair. A couple harmful, pervasive beliefs should not define the men and women who serve us.” Marsh added that the police officers involved in the recent shootings had simply done what they thought was necessary given the information and biased inclinations they had at the time.
Europe Seeks Personhood For Robots #~# The European Union is weighing whether to classify its artificially intelligent robotic workers as “electronic persons,” a designation that would grant them certain rights and obligations under the law, such as taxation and legal liability. What do you think?
‘We Get The Food And Then We Eat The Food Until All The Food Is Gone,’ City Of Chicago Announces Unprompted #~# CHICAGO—Catching unsuspecting sources completely off guard with their remarks, the populace of the city of Chicago, entirely unprompted, announced Monday, “We get the food and then we eat the food until all the food is gone.”
Man Always Gets Little Rush Out Of Telling People John Lennon Beat Wife #~# NEW ORLEANS—Explaining that casually dropping the little-known fact into conversations “never gets old,” local man Derek Matheson told reporters Monday he always gets a bit of a rush from informing others that John Lennon physically abused his first wife, Cynthia Powell. “Seeing the looks of shock, disbelief, and sadness on people’s faces after I mention that John Lennon couldn’t control his rage and regularly hit women is just such a treat,” said Matheson, who reportedly derives a measure of satisfaction from planting discomfort in the minds of his acquaintances, coworkers, and even strangers at social gatherings by bringing up the biographical detail about the widely beloved musician and peace activist. “I’m always listening for someone to make a comment about the Beatles, and when it happens, I’m ready to jump in and say that not only did John Lennon beat his wife, but he beat his son, too, and that he even admitted to it on multiple occasions. It’s always a nice little thrill.” Matheson added that if people were already aware of the songwriter’s violent side, he also delights in stating that Matthew Broderick killed two women with his car.
Twitter Debuts Celebrity-Only App #~# Twitter has launched a standalone app called Engage that streamlines celebrities’ feeds to remove broader conversations and allow tweets to be sent out in a limited context, eliminating confusion around how to tweet to followers. What do you think?
Teen Had Absolutely No Say In Becoming Part Of Snapchat Generation #~# PEEKSKILL, NY—Lamenting that she is now inextricably associated with the popular image messaging app solely because of the date of her birth, local teen Caitlin Reese told reporters Thursday that she had no say whatsoever in becoming part of the Snapchat Generation. “Being labeled a member of the Snapchat Generation was by no means my idea, but at this point, there’s really nothing I can do but go along with it,” said the 17-year-old high school student, resigning herself to the reality that she’ll be lumped together with a heterogeneous group of millions of individuals born in the late 1990s and early 2000s whenever a marketing professional, member of the media, or exasperated older citizen refers to the Snapchat Generation to make a sweeping point about people in her age bracket. “At no point did anyone ever inquire about my personal feelings regarding Snapchat, or Snaps, or chatting, or anything like that—it was just decided, and now there’s no way to get out of it. I just have to accept that whenever someone says the phrase ‘Snapchat Generation,’ that includes me. That’s just the hand I was dealt.” Reese expressed a measure of satisfaction, however, that she had at least been born late enough to escape the fate of her 28-year-old brother, who, through no act of his own, had been forever branded a member of the MySpace Generation.
Middle-Aged Couple Sick Of 31-Year-Old Son Always Trying To Set Them Up With Other Parents #~# EDMOND, OK—Admitting that the repeated attempts to meddle in their lives were really starting to grate on them, local couple Alice and Richard Bloom told reporters Thursday they were sick of their 31-year-old son constantly trying to set them up with other middle-aged parents. “It seems like every time we talk to him he’s always asking us if we’ve met any nice couples lately before trying to sell us on the parents of one of his work friends—he’s not subtle about it, either,” said Alice Bloom, 58, who added that despite their polite expressions of disinterest, their son continues to show them pictures on Facebook of couples he believes they would like. “One time, he was so insistent that we would get along with this one couple, the Mitchells, that we finally agreed and went out to dinner with them. They were nice and all, but we didn’t really have anything in common. I know he means well, but I wish he could understand how uncomfortable this makes us. I mean, we don’t need to be introduced to other parents like we’re total losers who don’t know how to meet people.” The Blooms later conceded that part of the reason they regularly resist meeting the couples their son suggests is because they didn’t want to see the smug smile of satisfaction on his face should they and the other parents happen to hit it off.
Teens Continuing To Elude Retailers #~# A recent poll found that Generation Z, even more than the millennials before them, eschew most recreational purchases, focusing most of their disposable income on experiences rather than on material goods. What do you think?
Swiss Guard Charge Writhing Mass Of Black Tentacles Devouring Pope Francis #~# VATICAN CITY—Racing frantically through St. Peter’s Square toward the sound of the Supreme Pontiff’s agonized cries, members of the Vatican’s Swiss Guard reportedly charged and surrounded a colossal writhing mass of black tentacles Wednesday that was devouring Pope Francis. “Destroy the infernal monstrosity,” shouted Swiss Guard commander Christoph Graf, who screamed orders for his men to aim their halberds at the creature’s heart as two of its powerful, ooze-slickened appendages constricted around the pope’s waist and neck and repeatedly slammed him against the plaza’s cobblestones. “Make haste, before His Holiness is torn asunder by the dark horror.” At press time, a member of the Swiss Guard reportedly plunged a holy water–soaked dagger into one of the creature’s eyeless black sockets, causing it to emit a shuddering hiss and crumple back down into the shadowy chasm from which it had emerged.
List Of Names On Gchat Sidebar Like A Portal Into Area Man’s Past Lives #~# FRANKFORT, KY—Displaying nearly forgotten ghosts from his past like a hazy window through time, the list of names appearing on local resident Paul Thurman’s Gchat sidebar read like a catalog of the man’s former lives and identities, the 27-year-old graphic designer reported Wednesday. “There’s a guy from my ultimate Frisbee team back in college, and there are a couple people from my old pub trivia group—and, oh yeah, that guy had a summer sublet in our apartment a couple years ago,” said Thurman, caught off guard by the memories of so many bygone versions of himself as he scrolled through the long, green-dot-stippled monument to his erstwhile personas, interests, and aspirations. “There’s a guy who wanted me to design his business’s logo but I never heard back from him, some girls I dated once or twice, and a few coworkers from the Panera Bread where I used to work. And I think that Will Tyson down there might be the person who bought my old futon on Craigslist right before I moved out of Charlotte.” According to reports, Thurman then lingered for a moment on the name of someone he reluctantly admitted had been in an a cappella group with him before hastily closing the mail application and telling reporters that some past lives were best not revisited.
‘I’m A Trump-Era Conservative,’ Says Horrifying Man 25 Years From Now #~# NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Explaining that the early–21st century Republican is by far the biggest influence on his political beliefs, Brandon Taggart, a man from 25 years in the future and all-around horrifying human being, told reporters Wednesday that he considers himself to be a Trump-era conservative.
New Device Locks Up Smartphones At Concerts #~# Artists such as Alicia Keys and Louis C.K. have been requiring audiences to use Yondr, a self-locking smartphone pouch that keeps users from checking their phones or using them to record the performance. What do you think?
Exercise Could Boost Memory Power #~# A new study found that doing high-intensity exercise within four hours of learning new information could boost the brain’s ability to retain that information. What do you think?
God Regrets Never Creating Any Two-Headed Snake Creatures #~# THE HEAVENS—Maintaining that He was overall very pleased with the creation of all things, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted Tuesday that His biggest regret was never making a two-headed snake creature. “I always wanted to create some kind of super-poisonous snake thing with a head at either end, and maybe some freaky pitch-black eyes,” said God, adding that back when He was creating them, He spent far too much time tinkering with snakes’ “wicked” fangs and was ultimately forced to hurriedly “slap a tail on them” and move on to making lizards. “Leathery wings would be pretty cool, too. And maybe the heads would try to eat each other—damn, that would be so sweet. Know what? Fuck it—I’m whipping up one of those things.” The Lord then confirmed that in order to start on the two-headed snake initiative, He would have to sideline His current project of creating an even dumber-looking alpaca.
Synthetic Tree Removes CO2 From Air #~# Researchers at Arizona State University have developed a synthetic “tree” out of commercially available resin that can suck carbon dioxide out of the air to be stored underground, an innovative new way to combat climate change. What do you think?
Dad’s Eyes Well Up At Sight Of Perfectly Packed Cooler #~# LURAY, VA—Beaming with pride after he slotted the final turkey sandwich into place, local dad Steve Fowler’s eyes reportedly welled up Friday at the sight of a perfectly packed cooler for the family’s weekend trip to the beach. “All the heavy stuff is at the bottom, the beer and soda bottles are neatly organized and surrounded by ice packs, and everything is ideally positioned for an even chill,” said the misty-eyed father of three, who reportedly wiped away a tear as he ran his hand around the rim to verify that none of the contents would obstruct the lid from closing. “This is all going to be ice-cold when we open it. It’s beautiful. I mean, it’s just beautiful.” At press time, the tight roll-up and compact stowage of the family’s beach towels in the car trunk reportedly gave Fowler goose bumps.
Investigators: First 48 Hours Most Critical In Locating Missing Children Who Entered Portal To Fantastical World #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the need for parents and law enforcement officers to take immediate action, officials at the Federal Bureau of Investigation issued a statement Friday confirming that the first 48 hours are the most crucial in locating children who had vanished through a portal to a fantastical world.
Study: Dogs Recognize Human Speech, Tone #~# A recent experiment performed MRI scans on dogs as their trainers praised them and found the reward centers in dogs’ brains would light up only if the trainers spoke recognizable praise words and said them in a bright tone, meaning dogs process speech in a multifaceted way previously believed unique to humans. What do you think?
How Big-Budget Movies Flop #~# Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:
Precocious 4-Year-Old Already Feels Terrible About Herself #~# LANCASTER, PA—Observing that she is way ahead of other girls her age, sources close to precocious 4-year-old Tessa Davison confirmed Wednesday that she already feels completely terrible about herself.
Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score #~# PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score. “We examined more than 1,000 games over the past five years and found that in the overwhelming majority of cases—be it pickup basketball, football, hockey, or soccer—the next team to score wins,” said study co-author Amy Lakin, adding that pickup outings frequently switch to a sudden-death format as soon as one of the players observes that it’s getting too dark out or that the energy of both teams has drastically diminished over the past 10 minutes. “Oftentimes—in roughly 80 percent of instances—the person to suggest that the next score wins is visibly tired and out of breath. We also found that the decisive nature of the game’s conclusion is almost always posed by the team that had given up the previous basket, touchdown, or goal, which is also generally the same team that would have been losing by a wide margin had anyone been keeping reliable track of the score.” Lakin added that although most players agree to call it a night following the next score, a caveat is often added that requires teams to win by two, ultimately prolonging each game by an average of 40 minutes.
Greek Populace Woken Up At 6 A.M. By Angela Merkel’s Voice Booming Through Loudspeakers Across Country #~# ‘Time For Work,’ Says German Chancellor
Iran Rolls Out Own Internet Service #~# Iran’s government has announced they will soon offer high-speed, low-cost internet access, though critics say it could afford the government more control over what information citizens can access. What do you think?
‘Astronauts’ Complete Mars Simulation #~# After 366 days living in a 36-foot-wide dome inside a Hawaiian volcano to simulate the challenges of a journey to Mars, NASA’s team of test astronauts have returned home, providing valuable data on the psychological effects of a real Mars mission. What do you think?
Mom To Boil Mouthguard Just For Herself For A Change #~# MASON, MI—Admitting that she doesn’t often get the chance to indulge herself, local mother of three Beth Everson announced plans Tuesday to boil a mouthguard just for herself for a change. “It feels like I’m always boiling a mouthguard for one of my kids, so for once, I’m going to set aside some free time to boil one for me,” said the 46-year-old, adding that with her adolescent sons playing both football and lacrosse, she rarely gets the opportunity to submerge a mouthguard into a bowl of boiling water in order to fit the rubber to her own teeth. “Don’t get me wrong, I love boiling mouthguards for my boys. But every now and then, I could really use an afternoon to just boil a nice mouthguard and then bite down on it myself for 30 or 40 seconds.” At press time, a contented Everson was quietly reading in the family’s living room while wearing a new mouthguard.
The Thing No One Tells You When You Become A Parent Is That NASA Is Conspiring To Overthrow The U.S. Government #~# Having a child is one of the most profound and illuminating experiences a person can have. No matter how much you think you know about life, that first time looking into the eyes of your newborn completely changes your outlook. You see absolutely everything in a whole new light. It seems obvious to me now, but until I held my infant son in my arms, I never realized that NASA was conspiring to overthrow the United States government.
College Professor Reminds Students It Will Take A Few Classes To Memorize Everyone’s Triggers #~# BOULDER, CO—Saying he would try his best to learn them all by heart, University of Colorado professor Derek Pollard took a moment Tuesday to remind his students it will take him a few classes to memorize everyone’s triggers. “I always have a hard time at the beginning of the semester remembering what everyone can comfortably talk about, so if you could all write your triggers down on the sheet I’m passing around, I can start putting faces to sensitivities,” said Pollard, who asked each student to help him out by staying in the same seat each week and reminding him what topics are off-limits to them the first few times they are called on. “I apologize in advance if I mix you up and accidentally confuse your triggers with someone else’s; you’re just going to have to bear with me on this. I have 250 students in three classes this term, so it’s going to be a bit of a challenge recalling what I can’t say around each of you.” Pollard added that he also had office hours for any student who would like to individually threaten him with calls for administrative disciplinary action should he happen to discuss a topic that caused them personal distress.
Amazon Opening Brick-And-Mortar Bookstores #~# Chicago will soon be home to an Amazon bookstore, the company’s fourth location as they expand their reach with physical storefronts, using Amazon customer data to determine which titles to stock. What do you think?
Office Manager Unveils New Rule #~# WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email. “I just wanted to give everyone a heads-up that employees are no longer allowed to print color copies of documents,” read the email from Werner, who also promulgated her new decree by taping a piece of paper bearing the restriction on the wall near the office printer. “The toner cartridges aren’t cheap and they get used up too quickly. So from this point forward, please print in black and white. Thanks.” At press time, Werner was reportedly composing a new statute after finding out that the printer’s paper tray had not been refilled.
Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God #~# VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.
Weiner Caught In New Sext Scandal #~# Former congressman Anthony Weiner, who resigned after accidentally tweeting revealing photos of himself in 2011 and who again faced public humiliation in 2014 when more racy messages surfaced, deleted his Twitter this week after sending a woman selfies in his boxers as his 4-year-old son lay beside him. What do you think?
What Is The ‘Alt-Right’? #~# A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the “alt-right”:
Clinton Debunks Rumors About Health By Telling Audience Exact Day She Will Die #~# PENSACOLA, FL—Addressing recent allegations that she is physically unfit to serve in the Oval Office, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, 68, debunked rumors about her health Monday by telling the audience at a campaign rally the exact day she will die. “To those who say I’m not able-bodied enough to be president, let me respond: I will die on January 23, 2041,” said Clinton, who then further discredited those questioning her strength and wellness by confirming she will pass away early that morning, and that the cause of death will be congestive heart failure related to her advanced age. “I will die surrounded by my loved ones, who will then mourn me for an appropriate length of time. But this won’t happen anytime soon; it will happen in 8,913 days.” Clinton then went on to reveal to the cheering crowd that her body would lie in state at the Capitol rotunda for 45 hours for public viewing and tributes before the nation honors her with a state funeral service at the Washington National Cathedral. 
Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime #~# WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground. That will send a message that they can’t hide from us anywhere,” wrote Massey, who, in a paragraph-long comment below a news article about the crisis in Syria that her niece had shared, offhandedly proposed several ideas that stood in stark violation of the Geneva Conventions and international law, including imprisoning all Middle Eastern refugees indefinitely until they could prove they weren’t terrorists. “If Obama would go back to waterboarding the ones we capture, we could stop attacks from happening. We have to protect ourselves.” Massey is said to have immediately followed up her call for breaching globally agreed-upon humanitarian principles by sharing a recipe for frosted lemon bars and liking all eight of her niece’s newly posted photos of her cairn terrier.
Dirty, Bearded Vince Foster Bursts Through Doors Of Clinton Fundraiser #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Clad in a tattered suit as he limped through the Hyatt ballroom toward the stunned Democratic presidential nominee, a dirty, bearded Vince Foster reportedly burst through the doors of a Clinton campaign fundraiser Monday to confront his former law partner. “Surprised to see me, Hillary? You thought you finished me off, didn’t you?” said the one-time deputy White House counsel, shouting that he had information that would bring Clinton down once and for all as he shuffled past tables filled with dozens of formally attired Democratic donors who fell silent at his presence. “Maybe everybody here would like to hear a story—I think they would. It’s all over for you and Bill now. Whitewater! Ron Brown! Benghazi! The charade ends today.” At press time, Foster had tackled and subdued Clinton after she grabbed a Secret Service agent’s gun and attempted to escape through the crowded banquet hall.
Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website #~# SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website. “I got this weird email saying that Dad wanted to share some photos with me on his ‘PicLinks photo desk,’ and the link took me to this site I’ve never heard of at all,” said daughter Katherine Yates, 23, adding that she was forced to sign up for something called a PicLinks “PixelClub Account” and opt in to the PicLinks photo tips mailing list to view her father’s pictures of a recent gathering at their Uncle Steve’s rented beach house. “The site had a bunch of these pop-up offers for creating a personalized photo book, and then after looking at a few pictures, I got a notification saying the free space on my photo desk was running low, and it said the only way to view any more photos was to join PicLinks Pro. Why did Dad even pick this site?” At press time, Katherine Yates was reportedly struggling to make sense of a page on the PicLinks site prompting her to rate the photo album by either clicking on the icon of an orange clipart camera with its shutter open or a purple one with its shutter closed.
Caffeine Tolerance Might Be Genetic #~# Scientists have identified a gene that metabolizes caffeine at a particular rate within each person, which could explain why different people drink different amounts of caffeine to wake up. What do you think?
Pretty Decent 13th Birthday Party Taking Place At Week 3 Preseason Game #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Excitedly watching the exhibition game in the half-empty stadium, local 13-year-old Josh McNeil reportedly had an overall pretty decent birthday party Saturday night at a Week 3 preseason NFL game between the New York Giants and the New York Jets. “I’ve never been to a game, and my dad said I could only take two of my friends, so Jeremy and Michael came with us, and we actually got to sit in one of the middle levels,” said McNeil, adding that after moving down a few rows to a set of unoccupied seats, his father purchased the boys and McNeil’s two sisters several baskets of chicken fingers to split as they watched the brief first-quarter appearances of Giants quarterback Eli Manning and wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. “It was still cool watching a game in person even if it didn’t count for anything. We had to leave during the third quarter because it was getting late and Jeremy had soccer practice in the morning. It was, you know…it was fun.” Sources confirmed that McNeil’s party was almost as good as his birthday two years ago when he and several friends attended an MLS game at Red Bull Arena.
Robotic Dolls Linked To Higher Pregnancy Rate #~# A new study found that student health programs that entrust teen girls with lifelike robotic dolls that “cry” for changing, burping, and feeding, aimed at discouraging teen pregnancy, are actually linked to higher rates of pregnancy and abortion. What do you think?
How Obamacare Can Be Improved #~# With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements:
Sudden Resurfacing Of File Called ‘Lyrics.doc’ A Chilling Reminder Of Life Thought Left Behind #~# SYRACUSE, NY—Sending a surge of long-dormant, unwanted memories coursing through 27-year-old Chris Bellinger’s mind as he searched his laptop for an unrelated document Friday, the sudden resurfacing of a file called “Lyrics.doc” reportedly brought forth a chilling reminder of a life the local man thought he left behind years ago. “Oh God, I forgot all about these,” said Bellinger of the perfectly preserved lyrics contained in the nine-page Microsoft Word file created in September 2010 and last modified on July 19, 2011, which ranged from a completed song titled “Black Highway” to a number of stray verses irregularly spaced throughout the document, all a haunting relic of a time in the communications manager’s life that he would just as soon never revisit again. “Jesus, look at this stuff. What was I even thinking? Oh, no, there’s even some rap lyrics in here.” At press time, a visibly unsettled Bellinger was quickly dragging a long-repressed folder named “Album Cover Ideas” into the trash rather than look upon what horrible JPEG images he had collected within.
Tyra Banks To Teach MBA Class On Personal Branding #~# Stanford Business School will offer a two-week class in 2017 co-taught by media personality Tyra Banks focused on “building and protecting a personal brand.” What do you think?
Smithsonian Acquires Rare Photograph Where Whole Family Looks Really Nice #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the image an important addition to their collection, officials from the Smithsonian National Museum of American History announced Friday they have acquired a rare photograph where the whole Barlow family looks very nice. “The Smithsonian is proud to celebrate this exceptional and iconic 2014 vacation snapshot of the Barlow family in which Matthew, Karen, Joanna, and Bradley all have genuine smiles and no one is squinting or blinking,” said head researcher Rodney Agee, adding that for the first time in American history, the extraordinary photograph perfectly captured the Barlows appearing well-groomed and happy to be in each other’s company. “This magnificent informal group portrait is a national treasure, as all members of the Barlow family are dressed in nice, clean outfits free of wrinkles and stains, evenly lit, and looking in the right direction.” At press time, a Smithsonian spokesperson told reporters the photo was the only known image of Bradley on his best behavior and not fucking around.
Nation Feels Terrible For Wife Of Little League World Series Coach #~# SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Expressing sorrow at the mere thought of what she has to endure, Americans across the nation confirmed Thursday that they feel absolutely terrible for the wife of a Little League World Series coach. “God, that poor woman—her entire life revolves around 12-year-olds playing baseball,” said 29-year-old Sacramento, CA resident Pat Walsh, adding that the middle-aged woman must know full well that she is being shown on national television wearing the hat and replica jersey of a Little League baseball team while she sits in the stands. “She has to put up with her husband talking about Little League all day, not to mention the fact that he’ll probably continue coaching even after their son is no longer on the team, so she’ll have to deal with this for years. Jesus.” The American public later admitted to feeling even worse for the coach’s daughter, who is clearly forced to attend the Little League World Series against her will.
Government Slams High Cost Of EpiPens #~# Lawmakers are condemning pharmaceutical company Mylan for the inaccessibility of their life-saving EpiPens, which have undergone 17 price increases in the last nine years, raising the cost by 548 percent since 2007. What do you think?
NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities. “Proxima b is located one star away from our solar system, or just about $50 billion outside of our current budget,” said NASA administrator Charles Bolden, who explained that the terrestrial planet, which may possess the right conditions for life to exist, is situated more than two and a half times the agency’s present fiscal allocation away. “This is an incredible discovery that suggests there may, in fact, be untold numbers of Earth-like planets out there beyond the limits of our financing.” Bolden added that with a considerable amount of determination, as well as some luck, he believes it may be possible to reach the planet within the next hundred funding proposals.
Company Encourages Women Who Have Been Sexually Harassed To Come Forward With Resignation Letter #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—In an effort to address a hostile work environment, executives at Western Sun Media Consulting reportedly distributed a staff-wide memo Thursday encouraging any women at the company who had experienced sexual harassment to come forward with a resignation letter. “If you have ever experienced unwanted sexual advances or inappropriate remarks that made you feel unsafe at this company, we ask you to please contact a supervisor or human resources immediately about tendering an official notification of resignation,” wrote CEO Sean Mackie in the memo, adding that all resignations from employees who felt they had been the target of gender-based discrimination and harassment would be handled discreetly and courteously by trained professionals. “We realize that if you’ve been the victim of sexual harassment, it can feel difficult, and even frightening, to take action, but I want to assure you that we are committed to providing a safe and supportive environment for women to quietly announce that they’re leaving the company.” Mackie added that any employees who have suffered workplace harassment could schedule a confidential meeting with HR representatives if they were unsure of the proper channels for suddenly stepping down from their position.
Encouraging Report From Radical Extremist Think Tank Finds America No Safer Since 9/11 #~# WASHINGTON—Highlighting the gaping security holes that continue to persist 15 years after the attacks, an encouraging report released Thursday by radical extremist think tank the Caliphate Institute determined that the United States is no safer than it was before 9/11. “Despite efforts to expand digital surveillance and coordinate information-sharing among intelligence agencies, we discovered that the ability of the U.S. government to assess and eliminate potential terrorist threats has not substantively improved since September 11, 2001, which came as a shocking and welcome finding,” said Selim Amir, chairman of the fundamentalist K Street research institute, which is staffed by prominent jihadist thinkers, visiting Sharia law scholars, and retired senior members of al-Qaeda. “We had believed that reforms put into place after the 9/11 Commission Report would have addressed slow emergency response times and provided law enforcement agencies with critical resources. But thankfully, we found just the opposite, and it appears America is as vulnerable as ever to a major attack. Considering how unsafe the U.S. remains, we highly recommend that policymakers do not take bold or comprehensive action whatsoever.” The report follows on the heels of another encouraging Caliphate Institute study that lauded the U.S. drone program for its highly effective and sustained creation of terrorists.
Incoming Class Of Subway Trainees Spends Week Practicing On Sandwich Cadavers #~# MILFORD, CT—As part of the standardized instruction each employee receives before heading out to work in franchises worldwide, a new class of Subway trainees were reportedly assigned their own sandwich cadavers this week to help them learn how to locate and identify the meals’ various internal structures.
A Primer On Everyday Sexism #~# Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination:
Tips For Running A Clean Campaign #~# Maytag is making it easy to clean up smears in the kitchen and online. To rid your Facebook and Twitter of political smears and see more positivity this election year, download the Maytag No Smear Plug-In here.
Ramen Now Most Popular Prison Currency #~# A study of inmate populations found that ramen noodles have surpassed tobacco as the most valuable commodity within U.S. prisons, providing a caloric alternative to bland, low-quality prison food. What do you think?
Forbes Names Jennifer Lawrence Highest Paid Actress #~# Forbes’ list of the highest paid actresses is once again led by Jennifer Lawrence, who earned $46 million in 12 months due in part to the success of the final Hunger Games installment. What do you think?
Dad Thinks Son Has What It Takes To Become Embittered Alcoholic Minor League Journeyman #~# NORMAN, OK—Watching the 11-year-old play shortstop for his Little League team, local father Mark Garrett reported Wednesday that he thinks his son, Nathan, has what it takes to become an embittered alcoholic journeyman in the minor leagues. “If he keeps working hard every day, I know Nathan has the talent to spend a few years bouncing around farm system teams while gradually developing a serious drinking problem,” said Garrett, adding that his son clearly has the arm strength and raw athleticism to spend half a decade growing increasingly bitter and self-destructive as he plays in front of only a few hundred spectators every game. “There’s no doubt in my mind that he could get all the way to Triple-A, screw up his shoulder, and drink away the rest of his life while resenting every choice he ever made. I just need to stay on top of him to make sure he gets there.” Garrett added that with enough determination, his son might eventually even grow estranged from his family before he turns 30.
Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them #~# ‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters
Justice Department To End Use Of Private Prisons #~# The Justice Department has announced they will end their use of prisons run by private contractors, a system in place since 1997, determining that no money is saved nor are inmates any safer as a result of the arrangement. What do you think?
Mom Learns About New Vegetable #~# MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed. “It’s called broccoli rabe,” said Tyson, who quickly clarified to her family that the produce was not broccoli, but was kind of like it. “Carol from book club told me about it and sent me a recipe to cook it in a skillet. She said you can even put it in pasta, too. I think I want to cook it next week.” An upbeat Tyson went on to tell her quiet, unresponsive family members that while she hadn’t tried it yet, she thinks they will all like it.
Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop #~# AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts. “Shortly after we arrived, Tim managed to get out of our sight, but after an extensive search of the facilities, one of our interns found him moving down the assembly line between several radial tires,” said senior campaign advisor Mike Henry, adding that Kaine could be seen smiling and laughing as the belt carried him slowly along toward the quality-control workers. “Once we found Tim, the foreman quickly shut down the entire line. But even then, it took us a while to coax him to climb off the belt by promising to give him a Crunch bar—he likes those a lot. We had to repeatedly assure him that no one was mad. I think everybody is just glad he didn’t get hurt.” Henry noted that the campaign team had been prepared to respond quickly to the situation following an incident last week in Iowa when Kaine went missing for several hours after abruptly running off into a cornfield.
I Can’t Imagine My Wedding Day Without You Sitting There Uncomfortably At A Table Full Of People You Don’t Know #~# It’s hard to believe how quickly my wedding is coming up. I couldn’t be more excited! I’ve been picturing this day ever since I was a little girl, and I’ve gone all out to make sure that everything, from the location, to the flower arrangements, to the music, all the way down to the cake topper, is absolutely perfect. But what matters most is that I get to share this moment with those closest to me. And that’s why it would mean so much to have you there on my special day sitting uncomfortably at a table full of people you don’t know.
NASA Locates Lost Spacecraft #~# Though the agency lost contact with its sun-studying spacecraft STEREO-B in October 2014, NASA announced they have once again located the vessel via their Deep Space Network of radio antennae. What do you think?
Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton? #~# Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.
New Study Recommends Insects Spend At Least 30 Minutes Skittering Per Day #~# ATHENS, GA—Enumerating the variety of health benefits that result from the practice, a study released Tuesday by the Department of Entomology at the University of Georgia recommends all insects spend at least 30 minutes skittering per day. “We followed a small sample population of 2.3 million insects and found that skittering for just half an hour a day significantly strengthened the thorax and boosted circulation to the legs, wings, and antennae,” said researcher Calista Leon, who added that if 30 minutes was too much exertion for out-of-shape or infirm bugs, even simply scuttling from along the baseboard to under the oven whenever the lights come on had been proven to increase lifespan by as much as two or three weeks. “It is especially recommended for older insects, as skittering on a regular basis can help improve foregut, midgut, and hindgut function and lowers the risk of developing degenerative compound eye disease. Also, we strongly recommend stretching all six legs before starting and urge insects not to overexert themselves by darting straight up a wall if they haven’t done it in a while.” Leon reminded insects that the best long-term health results could be achieved by combining 30 minutes of skittering each day with a high-protein diet of skin flakes.
Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones #~# BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening. “Oh God, listen to this: ‘The company’s mission of optimizing multi-platform engagement through strategic and creative brand-centric marketing solutions really resonates with me’—boy, this poor guy really did some research,” said senior account executive Melanie Bittle while shaking her head in pity for the job candidate, whose proclaimed admiration for the firm’s 2014 Med Ad News Agency Of The Year award made his application significantly more depressing than any of the vaguely worded and nondescript ones that were submitted for the entry-level copywriter position. “Look, he references three separate campaigns we’ve worked on, and here he even mentions our vice president by name. Jesus, this is so much more pathetic than all the regular copy-and-pasted cover letters we got, half of which weren’t even addressed correctly.” At press time, Percepta staffers were reportedly struggling to read through an absolutely heartbreaking follow-up email sent by the applicant stating that he was “still very much interested in the position” and “really looking forward to hearing back soon.”
Pope Francis Warns Catholics This Not Good Time To Bother God #~# VATICAN CITY—Saying it was probably a good idea to give Him some space for the next little while, Pope Francis warned Catholic worshippers this week that now is not the best time to bother God, sources confirmed. “God has a lot on His plate right now and these last couple weeks have been especially crazy for Him, so I strongly urge everyone to just hold off with any requests for divine guidance for the time being until everything blows over,” said the pontiff, asking the faithful to just take his word and trust that, at least for the next few days, they should simply make do without the Lord at their side. “Honestly, until I tell you otherwise, I’d say you should probably just keep your prayers to yourself. Feel free to talk to your priest about whatever’s on your mind, or you can always reach out to the Virgin Mary—she’s around. But for now, let’s just plan on leaving God be. Okay?” Pope Francis added that if the matter was truly urgent, Catholics could give their message to him and he would pass it along to God, but stated that he could not be held responsible for however God reacts.
Satellite Images Could Predict Poverty #~# Stanford researchers have developed a means to predict global areas of poverty, training a computer to scan satellite images for indicators of economic stability like paved roads and metal roofs. What do you think?
Most Popular Conspiracy Theories #~# Brought to you by truTV's Adam Ruins Everything
Congress Allocates $500 Million For Development Of Funkier Bass Lines #~# WASHINGTON—Stating that the measure was essential for holding down the beat and getting people outta their seat, Congress reportedly allocated $500 million Monday for the development of funkier bass lines. “This funding will go a long way toward improving today’s bass lines, which have steadily grown less funky and often fail to truly get down, and will help establish a set of new booty-shaking grooves,” said Rep. Dave Trott (R-MI), who co-sponsored the bill with Rep. Cedric Richmond (D-LA), adding that Congress has already begun working with numerous experts, including Bootsy Collins, Victor Wooten, and Flea, to produce syncopated runs and fat, gooey tones on a variety of low-end riffs intended to tear the roof off the sucka. “By innovating new rapid-fire slap and pop techniques, as well as investing heavily in a state-of-the-art envelope filter, we hope to significantly increase the development of thumping old-school bass solos, ensuring that Americans will bust loose on the dance floor for years to come.” The bill comes on the heels of Congress’ recent $1 billion allocation to fund the establishment of a super-tight horn section.
Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters? #~# As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know:
Illinois Removes Tampon Tax #~# Governor Bruce Rauner has signed an Illinois law removing sales tax from feminine hygiene products, a prominent example of the “pink tax” or trend of charging more for women’s products than men’s. What do you think?
Report: Some Dumb Fuck Out There Probably Wants His City To Host Olympics Now #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the two-week spectacle had likely stirred up a newfound passion and enthusiasm for the Games, reports confirmed Monday that some dumb fuck out there probably wants his city to host the Olympics now. “There’s an overwhelming likelihood that there’s a dipshit somewhere who, after watching the Rio Games, thinks hosting the Olympics would be a great way to show off everything great about whatever fucking city he lives in,” one report read in part, which also noted that in addition to believing the Olympics would generate some buzz about his hometown, the total shit-for-brains must think the Games would also provide a much-needed boost to the local economy. “At least one dope out there is really excited by the idea of hosting thousands of athletes and fans while being the center of the sports world for two weeks. You know he’s just dying to attend an opening ceremony celebrating the rich history of Kansas City or Houston. Fucking idiot.” The report added that the goddamn moron probably also believes hosting the Olympics would be a great reason to build a new stadium for his city’s NFL team.
Media Intern Looking Forward To Moving Up At Company That Won’t Exist In 8 Months #~# LOS ANGELES—Fondly imagining herself having her own cubicle in the office that will be rented out to a different business by spring, Cordcrusher Media intern Nicole Dunn, 21, told reporters Monday she’s hoping to land a full-time position at the company that will not exist in eight months. “Cordcrusher has a good track record of promoting from within, and a bunch of people here have told me I’m doing well, so I think I’ve got a great shot of staying on long-term,” said Dunn of the online news and culture site that will, in less than three financial quarters, release a public statement declaring bankruptcy, abruptly call its employees into an all-staff meeting, and alert them that they are being let go without any severance packages. “I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high, but I could really see myself staying with this company for a long time.” Dunn went on to mention specific perks at Cordcrusher she was excited to take advantage of, including the cushy sofas located throughout the workspace, mini refrigerators full of soft drinks, and the high-tech equipment in the office’s media rooms that will all be sold at future auctions in order to recoup some of the company’s $15 million debt.
Beauty Industry To Consumers: ‘You Like Short Hair Now’ #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that the change in aesthetic preference would take effect immediately, executives from every major beauty industry company held a press conference Monday in which they told consumers “You like short hair now.” “You find short hair stylish and desirable now, and it is the kind of hair you want to have,” said L’Oreal spokesperson Bernard St. Jean, speaking on behalf of scores of cosmetics companies and beauty product purveyors as photos of women with short hair and captions reading “Women you wish to look like” cycled on a projection screen behind him. “The hair you like now is straight and closely cropped. It has some bounce. You like that it looks this way and want your hair to look the same way. It is not long hair—you don’t like long hair anymore.” St. Jean then closed his remarks by reminding consumers that they continue not to like how their faces look and wish to make them look better.
Twitter Deletes Pro-Terrorist Accounts #~# Twitter announced they have suspended as many as 360,000 accounts since mid-2015 due to the users’ extremist content and promotion of terrorism. What do you think?
‘Keep It,’ Says Simone Biles Throwing Gold Medal To Adoring U.S. Men’s Gymnastics Team #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Spotting the wide-eyed athletes waiting near the Maracanã Stadium exit, Simone Biles reportedly threw one of her gold medals to the adoring U.S. men’s gymnastics team Sunday, encouraging the Olympians to “keep it.” “Hey guys, catch,” said Biles, tossing the gold medal to American gymnast Sam Mikulak, who clutched the award as his teammates stared in stunned disbelief with their mouths agape. “Take good care of that for me, okay?” At press time, the five athletes nervously stammered, “Thanks, Ms. Biles!” as the gymnast walked away.
Olympic Officials: ‘On The Whole, Only 4 Or 5 Really Terrible Things Happened’ #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Reflecting on the recently concluded 2016 Summer Games in Rio, members of the International Olympic Committee held a press conference Sunday to proudly announce that on the whole, only about four or five really terrible things happened. “Looking back, all of it actually went pretty well over the past two weeks, aside from a handful of truly awful incidents,” said IOC president Thomas Bach, adding that while there were several absolutely embarrassing and ugly moments, the Rio Games “went a lot better than expected, generally speaking, which is pretty good.” “Admittedly, there were a few really horrific things that took place, and those were regrettable, certainly. But when you look past those, it was fine.” Bach then concluded the press conference by shrugging his shoulders and saying, “Brazil did all right.”
Half The World Will Watch 2016 Olympics #~# By the time the final events end Sunday, the 2016 Olympic Games will have been viewed by approximately half the world’s population, or 3.5 billion people. What do you think?
Each Member Of Family On Edge As Vacation Has Gone By Without One Blowout Fight #~# MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Growing more and more anxious as their trip nears its end, members of the Mosshart family confided to reporters Friday they have felt increasingly on edge knowing their vacation has gone by without a single blowout fight between them.
Russian Olympic Officials Concerned After Learning Team’s Clean Urine Reservoir Almost Empty #~# MOSCOW—Stressing that they are on the precipice of a major crisis, Russian Olympic Committee officials held a press conference Friday to confirm that the team’s clean urine reservoir is almost fully depleted. “The demand for fresh, clean urine over the past two weeks has greatly exceeded our supply, and unfortunately, if we aren’t able to get more soon, our athletes may run out well before the final Olympic events,” said committee president Alexander Zhukov, adding that the 400,000-gallon reservoir’s supply of clean urine is at its lowest point in decades. “We are currently enacting numerous urine management techniques in order to conserve what little we still have left, but if we are unable to replenish our supply soon, we will experience our nation’s worst clean urine shortage since the 1992 Summer Games.” At press time, in response to the emergency, the Chinese Olympic Committee confirmed that it will immediately donate 200,000 bottles of clean urine to the Russian delegation.
Gold Medalist Triple-Jumper: ‘It’s All About Jumping Twice, And Then Jumping One More Time’ #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Candidly opening up about his winning strategy after taking gold in the event, U.S. Olympic triple-jumper Christian Taylor revealed to reporters Friday that the key to a successful triple jump is jumping twice, and then jumping one more time. “I jump two times, and then—and this is the most important part—I always jump another time; that third jump is really the most important jump,” said the two-time Olympian, adding that a competitor could, conceivably, perform only two jumps in the event, but their performance would be greatly improved by adding a third jump after the first two jumps. “The other thing is, you have to stop jumping after the third jump. If you jump a fourth time, that’s too many jumps. It’s not easy, though, so it can take years to truly master that part of the sport.” Taylor went on to patiently explain that the difference between the triple jump and the long jump was not one, but actually two jumps.
Rio Police Warn Olympic Runners To Avoid Miles 4 Through 23 Of Marathon Course #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Recommending considerable precautions during the event, police in Rio de Janeiro issued a warning Friday advising all runners to avoid miles 4 through 23 of the Olympic marathon course. “For their own personal safety, all marathoners are strongly urged to steer clear of these particularly dangerous sections of the running route,” said police chief Fernando Veloso, adding that even when in areas of the course designated as safe, runners should stick to well-lit parts of the road and always run in groups with at least three or four other competitors. “If you absolutely must pass through any areas of the marathon course between miles 4 and 23, we ask that you make sure to let a family member know so they can alert the authorities if you don’t arrive at mile 24 within a reasonable mile time. However, we strongly recommend that runners make alternate arrangements for getting from the start to the finish line.” Veloso added that runners should not wear flashy, expensive running shoes in order to avoid unwanted attention, and are also advised to carry a fake wallet in their shorts in case they are confronted by a mugger.
Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games. “After securing a 15.23 in the ball-handling portion and a near-perfect 15.89 in the shooting section, Durant just needed to nail a few solid dunks to secure victory, and he did just that,” said NBC Olympic basketball analyst Doug Collins, adding that the gold medal hopes of eventual bronze medalist Jose Calderon of Spain were immediately extinguished after Durant laid down an impeccable two-handed reverse slam, gracefully landing on the court with complete balance and precision. “Durant had flawless form during his crossovers and spin moves, and then he capped it all off with a triple pump fake into a string of very difficult sky hooks. It was a real joy to watch.” Sources also confirmed that Durant’s U.S. teammate Carmelo Anthony fell agonizingly short of medaling after stumbling while attempting to complete a one-handed fadeaway jumper.
‘I Am Cait’ Canceled #~# I Am Cait, the E! reality show documenting Caitlyn Jenner’s life after her gender transition, has been canceled after two seasons due to dwindling popularity. What do you think?
Trump Spends Entire Classified National Security Briefing Asking About ​Egyptian ​Mummies #~# NEW YORK—Sitting down with officials from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence to discuss a range of foreign and domestic threats facing the United States, presidential candidate Donald Trump reportedly spent the entirety of his first classified national security briefing Wednesday asking about Egyptian mummies. “What can you tell me about the dangers posed by mummies, and what are we doing to prevent invoking the ire of King Tut?” Trump reportedly asked in response to an update on growing militarism among insurgent factions in Egypt, before requesting a detailed assessment on mummies’ known strengths and weaknesses and an estimate on the total number of burial chambers in the region. “Have we disturbed any of their tombs? Are they seeking revenge? I want to know which pyramids we need to worry about. Just tell me how many years of curses we’re talking about here.” Upon the conclusion of the top-secret briefing, Trump reportedly double-checked with the intelligence agents that Vikings no longer exist and that they currently pose no threat to the United States.
Ryan Lochte Now Changing Account Of Events Going Back Years Before Robbery #~# Olympian Claiming He Was Never A Competitive Swimmer, Works As A Graphic Designer
New Series To Investigate JonBenet Ramsey Case #~# CBS has announced that their upcoming docuseries, The Case Of, will investigate the 1996 killing of JonBenet Ramsey in recognition of the 20th anniversary of her death. What do you think?
How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around #~# As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing:
NSA: ‘Can Somebody Good At Computers Help Us?’ #~# FORT MEADE, MD—Explaining that things weren’t working right and he didn’t know why, visibly frustrated National Security Agency director Michael S. Rogers called a press conference Thursday afternoon to ask if somebody good at computers could help out the intelligence organization. “We must have done something wrong and now everything’s all screwed up—is there anybody who knows computers that can fix it for us?” said Rogers, adding that he doesn’t know whether he hit a wrong key at some point or if he got “the virus,” but would just like somebody to make the agency’s computers work like they did before all this. “I’m no good with this type of stuff, and all I want to do is check my emails. Can someone just come by my office and make the problem go away? I don’t think it should take too long.” Following the press event, Rogers reportedly returned to his desk to sit and patiently wait.
Celiac Disease Linked To Region, Season #~# A new study suggests that babies born in wintertime, when days are shorter with less sunlight, have a lower risk of celiac disease than those born in warmer seasons with longer days. What do you think?
Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest #~# SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest. “He’s fine, but his services just aren’t as good as Father Thomas’,” said Trudel, who described the new priest’s homilies as “okay,” but noted that they lacked the warm tone and regular use of humor of the parish’s previous pastor. “He also doesn’t stay around very long after mass and talk with me and [husband] Richard like Father Thomas did. You don’t get to know all the families by shaking hands for only a few minutes; you stick around in the lobby or out on the front steps with everyone. Hopefully he’ll settle in, but I don’t know.” Trudel added that while she would “reserve [her] judgment,” she didn’t even want to think about what the new priest’s Christmas Mass would be like.
Restaurant’s Eating Challenge Rewards Any Patron Who Can Consume Reasonably Portioned Meal #~# GREENSBORO, NC—Calling it the “ultimate test” of customers’ strength and willpower, local restaurant Boomer’s Bar and Grill unveiled a new eating challenge this week that rewards any patron who can consume a reasonably portioned meal. “If any of our customers can tackle an 8-ounce grilled chicken breast, side of seasonal vegetables, and a glass of water, without consuming an additional basket of fries, an appetizer of mozzarella sticks, or any dessert, their meal is on the house,” said owner Mitch Lillard, who noted that contestants are required to fully chew each bite before swallowing and must finish their entire meal in 15 minutes or more. “If you want your picture up on our Wall of Fame, then you have to eat all the chicken and vegetables on your plate without adding cheese, bacon, or ranch dressing, or ordering a soda. And nobody can help you by giving you a few bites of their meal.” With no patron able to complete the feat within its first several days on the restaurant’s menu, Lillard was reportedly considering whether to make the daunting challenge easier by adding a plate of onion rings and a pint of beer.
Olympic Fan Amazed By Grit And Determination Shown By Dan Patrick During Small Talk With Bob Costas #~# SPOKANE, WA—Noting the veteran sportscaster’s perseverance through such difficult conditions, 31-year-old Olympics fan Roland Keller expressed his amazement to reporters Thursday at the sheer grit and determination displayed by Dan Patrick as he engaged in several moments of small talk with NBC host Bob Costas. “Most people would have just given up midway through, but Dan showed a lot of heart and plenty of mental toughness as he kept going,” said Keller, adding that he was stunned by Patrick’s seemingly superhuman ability to withstand over 30 seconds of inane back-and-forth chatter with Costas. “When Costas asked him how lively the parties on Copacabana Beach must be after Brazil advanced to the gold medal match in soccer, I thought he would buckle for sure. But he didn’t, even though it was clearly so painful. That’s what makes Dan Patrick one of the best.” Keller added that Patrick’s performance was the most impressive he’s seen since Mike Tirico managed to somehow defy the odds by finishing seven seasons on the air next to Jon Gruden in the Monday Night Football broadcast booth.
Aetna Pulls Out Of Obamacare Markets #~# Though originally a vocal supporter of Obamacare, Aetna is now abruptly withdrawing their investment in the program, citing losses in the hundreds of millions after providing for Obamacare markets. What do you think?
Giddy Tim Kaine Presses Face Against Campaign Bus Window As Horse Trailer Drives By #~# LIMA, OH—Pointing at the vehicle and shrieking with delight, giddy Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Kaine reportedly pressed his face against the window of his campaign bus Wednesday to gawk at a passing horse trailer. “Look, look, there’s two horseys!” said Kaine, his eyes widening with excitement and his mouth, nose, and palms leaving large smudges on the glass as he gazed at the pair of thoroughbreds being transported. “Hillary, look! One’s brown and the other’s got spots! Do you think they’re going to a big farm?” At press time, sources confirmed the riled-up Virginia senator was galloping down the center aisle of the bus repeatedly shouting “Neigh!”
37-Year-Old Makes Absolutely Heartbreaking Last-Ditch Effort To Get Really Into New Band #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Saying he was really starting to appreciate the group’s sound, local 37-year-old Ed Johnstone reportedly made an absolutely heartbreaking last-ditch effort this week to get into a new band. “I listened to the most popular Twenty One Pilots tracks on Spotify to get a good feel for the band, and then I checked out a few of their records—they’ve got some pretty great tunes,” said Johnstone, who pitifully forced himself to listen to the band’s 2013 album, Vessel, on repeat in an effort to familiarize himself with the group before making a completely excruciating attempt at discussing the electropop duo with several of his coworkers who are all more than a decade younger. “I haven’t checked out their newest album, Blurryface, yet, but I hope it keeps up that sort of frenetic rock vibe from the previous records. I read in this article on Fader that they’re originally from Columbus, Ohio. Man, there are just a lot of good new bands coming out of there these days.” At press time, sources confirmed that Johnstone was pathetically showing enthusiasm for the song “Ride” with the saddest little attempt at air drumming.
‘I Can’t Do This Anymore,’ Think 320 Million Americans Quietly Going About Day #~# WASHINGTON—Feeling overwhelmed and unable to take it any longer, hundreds of millions of American citizens across the country reportedly thought “I can’t do this anymore” while going quietly about their regular daily routines Wednesday.
Fans Excited To See Amazing U.S. Basketball Team Put Together As Redemption For 2016 Olympics #~# NEW YORK—Already eagerly anticipating the team’s follow-up to their lackluster performance in Rio, basketball fans across the nation expressed their excitement to reporters Wednesday about the incredible U.S. men’s basketball team that will be put together in 2020 as redemption for the 2016 Olympics. “Oh man, that U.S. roster is going to be so stacked in Tokyo to avenge whatever embarrassing loss this team suffers,” said 26-year-old Connor Bardell of Emporia, KS, speculating that the powerhouse collection of NBA All-Stars will likely be nicknamed the “Redeem Team II.” “Steph Curry, Anthony Davis, Kawhi Leonard, Russell Westbrook, maybe even LeBron—they’ll all come out next time to put the U.S. back on top as the best team in the world. And since they’ll have a huge point to prove, it’ll be a huge blowout every single game. God, I can’t wait to watch that.” Millions of fans also confirmed their eagerness to watch the 2020 team get revenge by beating the shit out of whichever nation ends up defeating the U.S. this summer.
How Internet Clickbait Works #~# Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content:
More French Cities Banning Burkinis #~# After fights erupted in a Corsican village over use of the swimwear, many French cities have banned “burkinis,” or full-body swimsuits worn by Muslim women. What do you think?
Obama Transfers Record Number Of Detainees #~# Fifteen prisoners have been transferred out of Guantanamo Bay this week, the single largest transfer since President Obama took office in 2008, bringing the total number of remaining detainees to 61. What do you think?
Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’ #~# GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.” “She went out to the store to pick up some cereal and stuff, and then about an hour later she came back with that ‘Family’ sign,” said Matheson’s daughter, Erica, 17, adding that her mother had remarked “Isn’t that nice?” as she stood back to admire the piece of wood adorned in a large bold font that was now hanging by a length of twine next to the dining room entrance. “I don’t know what she was thinking. Do they even sell that kind of thing in the grocery store? Or maybe she went to another store nearby and picked it up? Either way, she seems to like it a lot.” Erica Matheson told reporters that the plaque was probably meant to complement the wooden block above the fireplace that simply reads “Home.”
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American Dental Association Recommends Teeth #~# CHICAGO—Calling them an essential part of one’s oral health, the American Dental Association issued a statement Tuesday strongly recommending teeth. “We wholeheartedly recommend teeth for every American,” said ADA spokesperson Diane Ostroff, who added that the organization’s guidelines encouraged having teeth and firmly discouraged having no teeth. “Molars, incisors, canines—we endorse each one of them. We recommend about 20 to 30 for children and adults, though not too many for babies.” Ostroff later reiterated the ADA’s longstanding condemnation of wisdom teeth.
I Spend Every Waking Moment Holding This Fragile Facade Of A Person Together, And I’ll Do The Same For America #~# America is in crisis, folks. The problems we face today have pushed us to a breaking point, and it’s going to take real leadership to keep this nation from falling apart completely. We’re in a lot of trouble, which means things will not be easy going forward. That’s why I want to be very direct with you about what my campaign is all about.
R2-D2 Actor Dies #~# Kenny Baker, the 3’8” British actor who played R2-D2 in the Star Wars films, has died of a lung condition at 81 years old. What do you think?
Ryan Lochte Robbed At Gunpoint #~# Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte and three other U.S. athletes were robbed at gunpoint in Rio de Janeiro Sunday by men claiming to be police, though no one was hurt. What do you think?
Report: More American Fifth-Graders Taking Gap Year To Unwind Before Middle School #~# WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the Pew Research Center revealed that a growing number of American fifth-graders are opting to take a gap year to unwind from the stresses of elementary education and recharge themselves before taking on the rigors of middle school. “We found that it’s increasingly common for kids to put off enrolling in the sixth grade for a year and instead give themselves the freedom to focus all their energy on relaxation and personal growth,” the report read in part, adding that many 11-to-12-year-olds see the break as a time to step back and reflect on what they’ve learned about topics such as the California Gold Rush, decimal place values, and earthquakes, as well as to ponder what they want to get out of their middle school years. “While some fifth-graders still take the classic approach of traveling in the hopes of finding themselves, a significant number prefer to just play out in the yard or visit the zoo a lot. And if the trend continues, it may soon be the norm for kids to spend a year learning a specialized skill, such as getting really good at riding their bike with no hands or seeing how many Twizzlers they can fit in their mouth, rather than reflexively moving up to the next grade.” The report also noted that for many students, the decision was primarily driven by money, as 12 extra months of allowance would provide financial breathing room once they started junior high.
A Look At The Class Of 2020 #~# This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
‘Candy Land’ Screenwriter Under Impression Fans Counting On Him To Get This Right #~# LOS ANGELES—Telling reporters Monday he felt significant pressure to ensure the project lived up to the high expectations of people around the world, screenwriter Michael Wilder, who is currently adapting the board game Candy Land into a full-length feature film, is reportedly under the impression fans are counting on him to get this right. “Millions of people are depending on me to make this movie great; if I don’t capture the essence of what everyone loves about Candy Land, I’ll never be able to live it down,” said Wilder, who stated that fans have been waiting years for the game to appear as a major motion picture and that he could not betray their trust by botching the protagonists’ climactic confrontation with Lord Licorice. “I know how much Candy Land means to people, so I’d better deliver a satisfying and faithful retelling of the heroes’ journey through the Peppermint Forest and Gumdrop Mountains. If I don’t nail iconic characters like Gramma Nutt and Gloppy, I don’t even want to think of how disappointed and angry fans will be.” Wilder added that beyond meeting fans’ high standards, he also had to craft a compelling ending that would build excitement for the three planned sequels.
Melania Trump Stumbles Upon Dozens Of Husband’s Haunting, Macabre Self-Portraits #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Saying she was still coming to terms with what she had seen several days earlier, Melania Trump told reporters Monday she was left deeply shaken after discovering a secluded attic room in the Mar-a-Lago estate filled with haunting and grotesque self-portraits painted by her husband.
WWE To Include Gay Characters #~# The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation has partnered with WWE to begin work on incorporating more LGBT characters into professional wrestling. What do you think?
Yankees Honor Retiring A-Rod With 3-Second Tribute Video #~# NEW YORK—Recognizing the 14-time All-Star as he played the final game of his 20-year MLB career Friday, the New York Yankees honored retiring third baseman Alex Rodriguez with a three-second-long tribute video. “We thought it was important to give Alex the sendoff he deserves,” said manager Joe Girardi of the tribute, which appeared on the stadium’s Jumbotron after the third inning and featured a 1.8-second clip of Rodriguez joining the team in 2004, followed by a photo of him raising the 2009 World Series trophy that appeared onscreen for 1.2 seconds, all to no music or sound whatsoever. “I think I speak for the entire organization when I say this video really shows exactly what Alex has meant to us.” The tribute reportedly concluded by displaying the hashtag “#ThankYouARrod [sic]” on the Jumbotron for five-tenths of a second before animated stadium trivia abruptly resumed.
Greenland Shark Could Be 500 Years Old #~# Radiocarbon dating of a recently caught female Greenland shark has confirmed with 95 percent certainty that the shark is between 272 and 512 years old. What do you think?
Yankees Sign A-Rod To 10-Year, $420 Million Front Office Consultant Contract #~# NEW YORK—Announcing the record-setting deal hours before his final game as a player, the New York Yankees revealed at a press conference Friday that the team has signed Alex Rodriguez to a 10-year, $420 million contract as a front office consultant. “Alex is a truly unique talent, and that’s why we’ve decided to heavily invest in his services as a member of our front office for the next decade,” said Yankees general manager Brian Cashman, noting that the new contract, which comes with a $35 million signing bonus, will take effect immediately following Rodriguez’s last game for the club and will offer up to $100 million in further compensation if the 41-year-old achieves specified performance milestones. “Everyone in the organization couldn’t be more excited about this, and I think all the fans in New York will be thrilled to know that A-Rod will continue as part of the Yankees organization for a long, long time.” Cashman added that the terms also give Rodriguez the option to extend his front office contract in 2026 by an additional three years for $250 million.
New Biblical Text Reveals God First Sent Christ To Save Elk As Practice #~# DURHAM, NC—In what scholars are hailing as a landmark finding that reshapes their understanding of early Christianity, a newly discovered first-century text made public Friday by researchers at the Duke School of Divinity revealed that God first sent Jesus Christ to save elk as practice. “This ancient document clearly explains how, a number of years before He sent Jesus to save humanity, God sent His son down to earth for a dry run with elk so that Jesus could hone his skills at preaching compassion and teaching about God’s eternal kingdom,” said theology professor Paul Charow, adding that passages in the text reveal that God dispatched Jesus to western Canada, where he ministered among groups of elk using early versions of several parables, miraculously fed an entire herd from the bark of a single tree, and learned how to comfort and heal the sick and infirm members of the antlered ruminant species. “Though Jesus achieved only mixed results in his practice run with elk, it appears the exercise was vital in allowing him to identify problems in his methodology that he ironed out before returning as the savior of humankind. For example, while he wasn’t able to convince any elk to become his disciples and go out to spread the word of God, he did succeed in his primary goal of granting elk everlasting life when he was eventually trampled to death for their sins.” Charow noted that the text further suggests Jesus will one day return to earth to judge the living and the dead elk as a warmup for the actual End Times.
Dad Immediately Develops Deep Friendship With Guy Giving Quote On Replacing Windows #~# QUINCY, MA—Describing how the routine cost estimate rapidly blossomed into something much more, sources confirmed Friday that local dad Mark Geldmaker immediately developed a deep friendship with the guy giving him a quote on replacing his windows. “At first, they were walking through the house discussing whether Dad should spring for double panes, and then all of a sudden they were standing in the middle of the kitchen talking about the kind of gas mileage the guy gets on his truck,” said Geldmaker’s son Cameron, observing how the profound bond that had quickly formed between the 48-year-old father of three and the local contractor intensified as they commiserated about how the city council wasn’t fixing the potholes on Newport Avenue. “Somehow, they ended up out on the back deck, and the guy was complimenting its size and craftsmanship; he seemed really impressed after Dad told him he built it himself. Then Dad recommended a deli nearby, and the guy said he always gets the Reuben there. They wound up talking in the driveway for another 10 minutes before he finally left.” At press time, Geldmaker was heartily recommending the man to his next-door neighbor.
Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action. “Donald Trump has definitely said a lot of things that have reinforced my paranoid worldview, but I still haven’t heard that one key phrase that I know will really set me off,” said the psychologically disturbed 45-year-old, who noted that Trump’s remarks over the past 12 months, while increasingly vitriolic and incendiary, have not yet been worded in such a way that speaks directly to his delusional beliefs and spurs him to act on his manic, deep-seated rage. “It might not be tomorrow, or next week, or maybe not even until the debates, but sooner or later Trump is going to utter a perfectly phrased comment that provokes a major reaction from me. It could be a statement comparing all refugees to the 9/11 hijackers, or one that describes liberal judges as enemies of the Constitution bent on removing all our freedoms—regardless, I have complete confidence that between now and Election Day, something he says will just click and set me on an irreversible course of action.” The deeply troubled individual added that if Trump were to ever direct a bitter comment toward women who use Planned Parenthood services, that might be just the ticket.
Capping Pollution Could Save Thousands Of Lives #~# The American Thoracic Society has released new research saying that even slightly lowering the EPA’s ozone emissions standard could reduce the amount of fine particles in the air and save as many as 9,320 lives each year. What do you think?
Man Arrested For Scaling Trump Tower #~# A 19-year-old was arrested yesterday while using suction cups to climb the exterior of Trump Tower in order to meet with Donald Trump, with police intercepting him at the 21st floor and hospitalizing him for a psychological evaluation. What do you think?
Trump’s Prefrontal Cortex Admits It Can’t Possibly Filter All Impulsive Comments Coming From Rest Of Brain #~# NEW YORK—Saying it was completely exhausted and overwhelmed by its strenuous workload, Donald Trump’s prefrontal cortex admitted Thursday it was simply unable to filter through the torrent of impulsive comments coming from the rest of the presidential candidate’s brain. “I’m just completely inundated with erratic thoughts and knee-jerk reactions from all sides—there’s no way I can possibly screen everything that’s being produced in here,” said the higher-order structure of Trump’s brain responsible for impulse control and long-term planning, adding that the number of hastily formed ideas it was expected to evaluate and cull before they reached the speech motor cortex had been increasing steadily over the past year. “Sometimes, four or five different instinctive urges will try to get through all at once, and it’s just impossible to stop every one of them. I keep thinking they’ll eventually peter out, but there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. I’ve been doing this for 70 years—I’m just drained.” Trump’s prefrontal cortex admitted that it could use significant help from the neural circuits in the angular gyrus and posterior cingulate that are tasked with moral decision-making, but noted that the ineffectual structures had stopped functioning years ago.
Queen Elizabeth Hoping She Dies Before Having To Knight Any DJs #~# LONDON—Cringing at the mere thought of the ceremonial rite she would have to perform, Queen Elizabeth II told reporters Thursday she hopes to die before having to knight any DJs. “God willing, I’ll pass away long before I’m ever called upon to bestow an honorary knighthood on Calvin Harris or Grooverider,” said the queen, adding that she would rather be entombed in the royal burial grounds than endure a ceremony in which she grants the highest honor in the British Empire to any club DJ in recognition of their contributions to dubstep, electro house, big beat, trip-hop, dance pop, or nu-funk. “It’s only a matter of time before the requests to knight all these trance and rave DJs start pouring in. I just pray I’m a goner and worms are eating away at my decaying corpse, because there’s simply no way I’m saying ‘I dub thee Sir Jackmaster.’” The queen went on to confirm that the complete collapse of the British monarchy was far more preferable than any member of the British Royal Family having to knight Fatboy Slim.
Hostage With Family Really Lording It Over Everyone Else #~# CHICAGO—Rolling their eyes and sighing under their breath as they listened to the man babble on about how he had a wife and two young daughters at home, a group of individuals being held captive by gunmen in a Chicago warehouse reportedly grew annoyed at a fellow hostage Thursday who was lording the fact that he had a family over everyone else. “God, this asshole can’t go more than a few seconds without bringing up that he’s married and the father of a couple beautiful kids who he loves dearly—he just won’t stop rubbing it in everybody’s face,” said hostage Robert Greene, who added that the overbearing man made a big show of how fulfilling his personal life was by loudly telling the group’s captors that he and his wife had another child on the way. “When he said he was unable to bear the thought of his wife raising their kids alone, I just wanted to yell, ‘We get it; you’ve got a loving home and a perfect marriage, and we don’t. Whoop-dee-doo.’ Man, I wish he would shut the hell up.” At press time, sources reported that the completely insufferable man was taking his conspicuous display of good fortune to a whole new level by repeatedly whimpering his wife’s and children’s names in between heavy sobs.
Ryan Lochte Admits Olympic Pool Much Wetter Than He Remembered #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Opening up to reporters about the challenging conditions at the Rio Games, U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte admitted Thursday that the Olympic pool is much wetter than he remembered. “Honestly, the pool here feels way more wetter than the one in London,” said Lochte, confessing that he had some trouble adjusting to the “bigger wetness” of the pool at Rio’s Olympic Aquatics Stadium during his first lap of the men’s 4x200 freestyle relay. “The London pool had tons of wet parts, don’t get me wrong, but it wasn’t as watery. This pool is more of a wetter wet. I was drenched the moment I dove in, and I stayed super soaked the whole time I was in the water. Plus, I was a lot more wet after.” Lochte also admitted that until Rio, he didn’t think any Olympic pool could possibly be wetter than the one at the 2008 Beijing Games.
Book Lovers Might Live Longer #~# A study recently found that so-called bookworms are less likely to suffer early death than those who do not read books regularly. What do you think?
Report: Some People Actually Very Happy #~# ITHACA, NY—Indicating that such individuals regularly experience feelings of satisfaction and derive genuine enjoyment from their daily existence, a report released Thursday by Cornell University’s psychology department has determined that some people are actually very happy. “Our data suggest that there are a significant number of people out there who are, in fact, generally content with their lives,” said the report’s author, Maria Belanger, adding that while the researchers had some initial skepticism about the results, the finding that a sizable percentage of people possess a positive outlook on the world and their place in it stood up to multiple rounds of meticulous statistical analysis. “We also found that at any given moment, a considerable number of people feel optimistic about the way their lives are going. It also appears that these subjects are actually able to fall asleep easily at night and arise legitimately looking forward to their day. A few people we observed were even able to experience joy.” The study confirmed that you, however, are very sad.
‘Rugrats’ Turns 25 #~# This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run:
Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium. “All right, Michael, go get ’em, son!” said Poseidon, who reportedly caused the arena’s windows to rattle and walls to shake as he bellowed and clapped with approval while Phelps stretched next to the pool. “Everybody, that’s my son out there! I love you, Mikey!” Sources confirmed Phelps appeared crestfallen after turning to acknowledge his father before realizing that the King of the Deep had instigated a fight with the parents of Italian swimmer Federico Turrini and impaled the couple on his trident.
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Michael Phelps Proudly Describes How Infant Son Subsists Off 12,000 Calories’ Worth Of Breast Milk Per Day #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Glowing with pride as he spoke about his infant son’s strict daily nutritional regimen, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps explained to reporters Wednesday that his 3-month-old son, Boomer, consumes 12,000 calories of breast milk per day. “Boomer needs at least 2,000 calories during every feeding, and we usually have to feed him six to seven times a day,” said Phelps, adding that his child devours roughly 15 times the recommended daily caloric intake for the average 3-month-old male baby of his size and age. “He usually starts the day off with a breakfast of 90 fluid ounces of breast milk—about 10 bottles’ worth—and we give him 10 more bottles each for lunch and dinner. And then throughout the day he’ll have another 10 or 15 bottles of breast milk here and there as a snack. Obviously, this type of diet isn’t meant for all babies, but given how many calories he burns off in the crib, he needs that much breast milk to maintain his 12-pound frame.” Phelps added that his fiancée, Nicole Johnson, has to maintain a strict 55,000-calorie-per-day diet in order to keep Boomer properly nourished.
Tim Tebow Weighing MLB Career #~# Twenty-nine-year-old sports analyst and former football player Tim Tebow, who played his last NFL game in 2012, has announced he is preparing for an upcoming career in Major League Baseball, a sport he has not played regularly since 2005. What do you think?
Obama Clears 2,000 Square Miles Of U.S. Airspace For New Free-Range Drone Preserve #~# WASHINGTON—Providing the unmanned aerial vehicles with ample space to gather and fly around unfettered, President Barack Obama signed an executive order Wednesday setting aside nearly 2,000 square miles of airspace over western Montana as a federally protected free-range drone preserve, sources confirmed. “These are truly impressive and majestic aircraft, and they deserve a sanctuary where they can soar freely without fear of RF jamming or surface-to-air missiles,” said Obama, who described the remote region as “prime drone habitat,” explaining how it was selected for its abundant reserves of high-octane jet fuel and crystal-clear satellite uplink connections. “Here, all types of drones—from the large and magnificent Global Hawk to the wide variety of lively short-range mini UAVs—will be free to engage in their beautiful natural behavior of surveilling, tracking targets on the ground, and neutralizing them.” Following several early incidents, White House sources confirmed that MQ-1 Predator drones would be kept in their own designated portion of the preserve to separate them from the less aggressive varieties.
‘Clock Kid’ Ahmed Mohamed Sues School #~# Ahmed Mohamed, the Muslim American teen arrested last year for bringing a homemade clock to school that authorities mistook for a bomb, is suing his Texas school district, claiming his Fourth Amendment rights were violated when police interrogated him without his parents present. What do you think?
Pros And Cons Of The ‘Tiny House’ Movement #~# Many Americans are moving into extremely small living quarters, simplifying their lives and putting less focus on material goods. The Onion examines the pros and cons of “tiny houses”:
Late-Blooming Dad Just Now Getting Into Civil War History #~# BETHESDA, MD—Admitting they had begun to think it might never happen, the family of local 57-year-old Doug Reeves told reporters Wednesday the late-blooming dad is just now getting into American Civil War history.
Engineers Test Robotic Tattoo Artist #~# French designers have engineered a 3D printer with a tattoo-gun arm that can interpret images through software and ink them onto a human recipient strapped into a chair. What do you think?
Anti-Doping Agency Unnerved By Bob Costas’ Repeated Requests To Submit Urine Sample #~# MONTREAL—Saying they have received multiple phone calls and emails from the NBC Sports host every day for the past four weeks, members of the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters Tuesday they were extremely unnerved by Bob Costas’ repeated requests to submit his own urine sample ahead of the 2016 Summer Olympics. “When we were first contacted by Mr. Costas back in early July, we thought it was a mistake, but then he called us five more times that same day trying to talk us into accepting and testing his urine, and he hasn’t stopped reaching out to us ever since—it’s getting a bit uncomfortable,” said WADA chair Beckie Scott, adding that the agency has also received 19 unsolicited, perfectly sealed and labeled test kits in the mail from Mr. Costas despite never sending him any of the necessary materials to provide a specimen in the first place. “We’ve made it extremely clear to him that broadcasters do not have to undergo this process, but that hasn’t deterred him from continuing to fax us his filled-out paperwork and release forms. Last week, he even showed up at our facility in person carrying about a dozen full collection cups of his own urine. It’s pretty disturbing, to be completely honest.” At press time, Scott reported that another package had just arrived from Costas containing blood samples, a cheek swab, and several ounces of fecal matter, with a note from the anchor reading “Just in case.”
When Will The Idiots On The Other End Of The Political Spectrum Wake Up And Have Every One Of My Life Circumstances, Daily Interactions, And Upbringing? #~# Things are going to hell in this country, and I, for one, have had just about enough of it. I wish I could say there was nothing we could have done to prevent this, but the sad truth is that we’ve got one truly brainless political party out there that’s trying to impose its foolish and irresponsible agenda on all of us, and look where we’ve ended up because of them! If we’re serious about getting America back on track, all those morons are going to need to shut up, take a good, hard look in the mirror, and start seeing things from my point of view.
Poland Spring Develops New Eco-Friendly Bottle That Only Takes 300 Years To Decompose #~# POLAND, ME—Underscoring the company’s commitment to preserving the environment, Poland Spring announced Tuesday it had developed a new eco-friendly water bottle that decomposes in just 300 years. “With our new eco-friendly plastic packaging, your discarded Poland Spring bottle will break down and be reclaimed by the earth in a mere three centuries—that’s almost 200 years faster than the industry standard,” said company spokesperson Dana Rodgers, noting that the change would begin saving space in landfills, reducing ocean waste, and cutting down on toxic chemicals leached into the soil as early as 2316. “You can breathe easy when purchasing refreshing Poland Spring water knowing that you’ll be leaving this world a cleaner, greener place for your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren.” Officials added that the company was also working on a new smaller and less obstructive bottle cap that would moderately lengthen the amount of time a marine mammal would live after accidentally ingesting it.
Bitcoin Hackers Steal $65 Million #~# The bitcoin market was shut down last week after it was discovered that hackers had targeted the digital currency platform and stolen 119,756 bitcoins, or $65 million, from users’ accounts. What do you think?
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Delta Grounds Flights Worldwide #~# Citing a power outage at their headquarters in Atlanta, Delta Airlines temporarily grounded all of its flights worldwide. What do you think?
NBC Details Inspirational Story Of Sponsor’s Journey To Olympics #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Chronicling what many have called the most touching and incredible narrative of the Rio Games, NBC aired a special feature Monday about the inspirational story of Bridgestone’s journey to the 2016 Olympics. “It’s been such a long road, and at times it seemed impossible, but we never gave up, and now we’re here in Rio alongside all the biggest brands in the world,” Bridgestone CEO Masaaki Tsuya said during the three-minute NBC piece, adding that he always believed the 85-year-old auto manufacturer’s logo could someday be on the Olympic medal podium in front of billions of consumers around the world. “You know, everyone always used to say we were too small, or that our marketing team wasn’t experienced enough, but we proved them wrong. It just goes to show that any brand, no matter where they’re headquartered or how strong their sales are, can defy the odds and achieve the Olympic dream. We’re proof of that.” Tsuya went on to credit Heineken’s incredible commercial performance during the 2012 London Games for inspiring Bridgestone to set its sights on the Olympics.
Details Of Trump’s Economic Plan #~# Donald Trump unveiled his administration’s economic policy plan Monday at the Detroit Economic Club. Here are Trump’s main economic proposals:
Scientists Confirm First Case Of Zika Transmission From Article To Reader #~# ATLANTA—In an unprecedented warning to the U.S. populace, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that scientists had discovered the first known case of an individual contracting the Zika virus directly from a news article on the infectious disease. “Until now, we had believed Zika was only spread through mosquito bites and sexual contact, but we have determined that the infection can also be transmitted via exposure to media coverage of the epidemic,” said CDC spokesman Jason Crank, referring to a woman in Waverly, NE who reportedly tested positive for the virus after following an internet link to a news story on the latest Zika outbreak in the continental United States. “To prevent further spread of the disease, we recommend individuals avoid reading any part of any article on the subject, as the CDC believes Zika can be transmitted by a single paragraph, or, in some cases, just a headline. In addition, we advise anyone exposed to a full two-minute broadcast news segment on the virus to immediately turn off their television and quarantine themselves until further notice.” At press time, sources confirmed that you were beginning to experience a high fever.
Gifted, Passionate Student Really Stretching Limits Of School’s Resources #~# ANNANDALE, VA—Calling the sophomore’s hunger for knowledge “out of control,” officials at Pine Hills High School confirmed Monday that gifted and highly passionate student Sophie Moncrief, 16, is really stretching the school’s resources to their breaking point. “This kid’s got a full slate of classes, including numerous electives and AP courses that require more advanced textbooks and specialized lab supplies, and that’s not even counting her participation in band, choir, and a number of after-school clubs that we’d never even heard of until she petitioned the board for more funding,” said the school’s principal, William Donohue, who explained that while Moncrief’s decision to meet with a math teacher one-on-one to pursue college-level linear algebra was “financially doable,” the school was really being pushed beyond its means by her desire to create and edit a full-length digital film project. “Continuing to challenge her intellectually is using up all of our staff’s time and a significant portion of our budget. The truth is, our district is just not equipped in any way, shape, or form to handle a child who’s this driven to succeed.” School administrators told reporters they had considered, but ultimately rejected, a last-ditch effort to slow Moncrief down by loosening their anti-bullying rules.
Five Sports Added To 2020 Olympics #~# In an effort to appeal to younger viewers, the IOC has voted to add skateboarding, karate, surfing, sports climbing, and baseball to the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo, for a total of 18 additional events and 474 additional athletes. What do you think?
Olympics Head Priestess Slits Throat Of Official Rio Mascot To Sanctify Opening Ceremony #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Gripping the brightly colored character neck and displaying him as an offering to ensure a successful Games, Olympics head priestess Esmeralda Caixeta sanctified the opening ceremony by slitting the throat of Rio mascot Vinicius from ear to ear, sources confirmed Friday. “Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like the priestess has entered the stadium alongside a group of cloaked, chanting monks to bless the Rio Games with a traditional blood sacrifice,” NBC commentator Bob Costas said as the hooded priestess jerked the mascot’s smiling, furry head back and slowly drew a dagger across his exposed throat, using an ornamental bowl to collect the spraying blood. “Now she’s using her bare hands to anoint the torchbearer’s face with the fallen mascot’s blood before the cauldron is lit, which is an Olympic tradition dating back to the eighth century B.C. Of course, the priestess’s age is unknown, but she is said to have performed this sacrament for every opening ceremony since the original festivals in Olympia. Folks, this is a real treat.” The high priestess then reportedly beheaded Vinicius, kicked his still-twitching body off the stage, and announced, in a booming voice, “I declare open the Games of Rio celebrating the 31st Olympiad of the modern era,” as the mascot’s limp body tumbled down the stadium steps.
Olympics Officials Clearly Trying To Buy More Time With 6-Day-Long Opening Ceremony Performance #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Citing the variety of long, drawn-out performances and back-to-back recitations of the Olympic oath in 30 different languages, sources confirmed Friday that Rio Olympics officials were clearly trying to buy more time with a six-day-long opening ceremony. “For those just tuning in, the pace of the Parade of Nations has significantly slowed, and the procession is entering its third lap of the stadium,” said NBC commentator Matt Lauer of the organizers’ evident attempts to stall the start of the games, which included an extended 47-minute performance of the Brazilian national anthem that nearly drowned out the din of hammering, power saws, and construction vehicles emanating from outside the stadium. “And now the samba dancers have returned to the field to reprise a routine based on Rio’s carnival festival. I believe we’ve seen this number about three or four times already, but you really have to appreciate the showmanship on display. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us on day two of the opening ceremony.” At press time, event organizers were attempting to buy more time through stretching out the fireworks display by launching one rocket every hour.
Performers Frantically Trying To Incorporate Spewing Sewage Pipe Into Rio Opening Ceremony #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Looking around at one another with a mix of dismay and confusion while continuing their choreography, performers at Maracanã Stadium frantically attempted to incorporate a ruptured, spewing sewage pipe into the Rio Olympics opening ceremony Friday. “We knew billions of people around the world were watching, so once we saw that pipe burst, we just started making up a routine around it,” said 24-year-old Maria Santos, one of dozens of samba dancers who sashayed around the pipe and performed sultry hip movements while their elaborate feathered costumes were drenched in a torrent of human excrement. “It wasn’t easy, especially pretending like some of the dancers vomiting was part of the show. But once we all got our kicks in sync to the beat of the pipe spurting a mix of urine and shit, everything came together pretty well.” At press time, Games organizers were trying to continue smiling and clapping as they watched a sinkhole open up inside the stadium and swallow the Olympic cauldron whole.
Experts Advise Against Throwing Laptop Across Office Even Though It Will Feel Incredible #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the negative consequences in the long term outweigh any short-term satisfaction, experts from the American Psychological Association issued a statement Friday advising individuals against picking up their laptop and throwing it as hard as they can across the office, even though doing so would feel absolutely incredible. “While going through with such an act is certain to provide subjects with feelings of elation, giddiness, and a sense of freedom, we recommend that the nation’s office workers do not stand up in a moment of fury, rip their laptop off their desk, chuck it across their workspace, and watch it smash into a wall,” read the advisory in part, noting that the positive emotional state resulting from using all one’s energy to hurl their computer over several rows of nearby cubicles is only temporary, while the repercussions are likely to be largely detrimental and long-lasting, ranging from the high likelihood of rendering one’s machine unusable, to the possibility of making coworkers feel unsafe, to the near certainty of being disciplined or terminated by one’s employer. “Although it would provide an exhilarating adrenaline rush like you’ve never felt before, whipping your laptop out the nearest window like a Frisbee or taking it in both hands and sending it tumbling wildly down a stairwell is not, ultimately, in the best interests of your personal or professional life. We also advise against repeatedly slamming your computer onto the surface of your desk while letting out an intense scream of rage, or even just angrily folding your laptop’s monitor all the way back until it snaps off in your hands, despite the sensation of pure ecstasy either action would immediately induce.” The report went on to encourage the nation’s workers to instead take a walk around the block to relieve their stress, even though it would feel like a huge fucking letdown.
Obama Declares Self Feminist #~# In a Glamour magazine essay titled “This Is What a Feminist Looks Like,” President Obama writes about the responsibility of men to be an active part of the feminist movement and discusses his own daughters, explaining that “it’s important that their dad is a feminist, because now that’s what they expect of all men.” What do you think?
Weary Nation Happy It Gets To Watch Socio-Political Failings Of Another Country For 2 Weeks #~# WASHINGTON—Ahead of the highly anticipated Summer Olympics in Rio, millions of weary and emotionally exhausted Americans expressed excitement Friday at getting the chance to watch the socio-political failings of another country for two weeks. “After spending pretty much every day being confronted by growing income inequality and political corruption here at home, it’ll be kind of nice to turn on the TV and watch another country fall apart at the seams for a little while,” said 36-year-old Philadelphia resident Greg Thatcher, echoing the sentiments of Americans across the country who confirmed that they are looking forward to the next 16 days of viewing a different nation crippled by failing schools, inadequate health care, and a crumbling transportation infrastructure. “Seeing the U.K. collapse in on itself from inept leadership and government infighting was nice, but that only lasted for a few days. Now, we have a good two weeks ahead of us to watch a democratic society other than ours fracture at every level and drive itself into total ruin. I can’t wait.” Many Americans also confirmed that they are already looking forward to a full month of watching the decline of a different global superpower during the 2018 World Cup in Russia.
New Poll Finds 80% Of Americans Would Just Fucking Destroy Pan Of Brownies #~# ASBURY PARK, NJ—Saying their findings were consistent across all demographic groups, researchers at Rasmussen Reports published the results of a new poll Friday revealing that four out of five Americans would just fucking destroy a pan of brownies. “We found that if given the opportunity, 80 percent of the individuals we surveyed would completely demolish a tray of freshly baked brownies, scarfing down every sweet morsel without hesitation,” said Rasmussen statistician Jennifer Tracy, who added that if respondents had a glass of milk, the vast majority would tear through an entire 8-inch-by-10-inch pan of warm, chewy brownies in 10 minutes flat. “Among those Americans who would flat-out wreck an entire plate of brownies before anyone else even got a chance to touch them, we found that three quarters would not stop eating the baked fudgy dessert until there was nothing left behind but a few crumbs, and roughly half would continue housing the whole damn pan of chocolatey treats even when they started feeling sick.” The poll also found that an equal percentage of Americans would burn the shit out of their mouths attempting to wolf down hot brownies straight from the oven.
Ayatollah Khamenei Addresses Tehran Prison Mess Hall During Annual Press Correspondents’ Dinner #~# TEHRAN—Playfully ribbing the group of journalists who had filed into the bare concrete room for the event, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei reportedly addressed a crowded prison mess hall during Iran’s annual press correspondents’ dinner Thursday night.
China Debuts ‘Straddling Bus’ #~# The Hebei province in China has completed a test run of a 25-foot-wide “straddling bus” whose wheels run along rails at each curb and whose interior hovers above the traffic, allowing cars to pass through underneath. What do you think?
Latest Harry Potter Release Breaks Records #~# “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child,” the companion book to the stage production that follows Harry Potter’s life as a grown man and father to three children, has broken sales records to become the fastest-selling script book of all time. What do you think?
Pope Francis Beats Confession Out Of Uncooperative Catholic #~# VATICAN CITY—Grasping the back of the man’s collar with one hand while pummeling his face with the other, Pope Francis reportedly beat a confession out of an uncooperative Catholic parishioner Thursday in a backroom of St. Peter’s Basilica. “Listen, buddy, I haven’t even gotten warmed up yet, so we can either keep doing this the hard way, or you can spit out some penance right now. So, what is it? Have you taken the Lord’s name in vain, borne false witness? Maybe a couple minutes being held facedown in the baptismal font would help you remember a sin or two,” said the Vicar of Christ, rolling up the sleeves of his vestments before grabbing a long, heavy papal mace and repeatedly smacking it into his open palm, causing the limp, bloodied man to finally admit to neglecting his familial duties and coveting others’ possessions. “There, was that so bad? Now say 10 Hail Marys and get out of my fucking sight.” The pope then reportedly gave the moaning man one more kick in the ribs as a reminder to come to next week’s Mass with something to confess.
Paul Ryan: ‘The Comments Donald Trump Will Make Over The Next Few Months Are Regrettable’ #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he will be shocked and saddened by the statements of his party’s presidential nominee, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan told reporters Thursday the comments Donald Trump will make over the next several months are “highly regrettable.” “I want to make clear that the remarks Donald Trump will say in the weeks ahead are unfortunate and do not reflect the views of the Republican Party,” said Ryan, who noted that while he did not agree with the “harmful and divisive” language Trump would choose to use between now and the election, he believed he could work with the candidate to enact a strong conservative platform. “Mr. Trump will take some distressing and morally indefensible positions during the remainder of his candidacy and, if the election goes as we hope, his presidency. I trust that we can move on from these regrettable lapses in judgment that will continue on a regular basis and get back to the issues that matter.” Addressing recent inflammatory comments made by the GOP nominee, Ryan added that he just had a productive conversation identical to the dozens more he will have over the next three months with Trump.
Jury Finds Man Guilty Of Murdering Wife And Children, But Gets It #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Reaching a verdict Thursday after several hours of deliberation, a Knox County Circuit Court jury reportedly found a defendant in a homicide trial guilty of murdering his wife and children, but admitted they get it. “After carefully weighing all the evidence in this case, we find the defendant guilty on all counts, but it’s not like we don’t see where he was coming from,” said foreperson Franklin Cault, admitting that while there was no doubt the suspect committed a terrible crime and deserves a life sentence, the killing of his wife, 10-year-old son, and 8-year-old daughter sort of makes sense, all things considered. “The evidence is overwhelmingly clear that these killings were premeditated, we’re not arguing with that—but, you know, given the circumstances, it’s pretty understandable. We certainly condemn his horrific actions, however, we’re not going to sit here and act like we wouldn’t have done the same thing if we were in his shoes.” The judge then reportedly issued a mandatory life sentence without parole even though he acknowledged the defendant’s family probably “had it coming.”
Secretary Of The Interior Meekly Asks If There Anything She Can Do To Help Stop ISIS #~# WASHINGTON—Knocking gingerly on the Oval Office door before poking her head into the president’s daily intelligence briefing Thursday morning, Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell meekly asked those in attendance if there was anything she could do to help stop ISIS, White House sources reported. “Hey, sorry to bother, I know you all have a lot on your plate, but I just wanted to check in with you guys to see if Interior could lend a hand on some of this ISIS stuff,” Jewell said in a soft tone of voice before offering the commander-in-chief, the director of national intelligence, and several high-ranking Defense Department officials unfettered use of the agency’s fish hatcheries and irrigation equipment, and pledging that she would put up signs in every national park urging visitors to stay vigilant if the president felt such a measure would be helpful in the fight against terror. “Not sure if you could use them or not, but if you need a trained geologist or a topographical map of any location in the U.S. in order to thwart a planned ISIS attack, we can definitely get them to you ASAP. And we’ve got a lot of those orange barrels filled with sand, too. Just letting you know that we’re here if you need us.” After she quietly slipped out of the meeting moments later, sources reported that Jewell silently berated herself for not mentioning the department’s large number of backhoes.
Pope Francis Considering Female Deacons #~# In a historical first for the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has set up a commission of seven men and six women to study whether women should be allowed to assume the role of deacon, a rank just below priest. What do you think?
Officials Worried Olympic Cemetery Won’t Be Completed In Time For Games #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Stressing that time is quickly running out and that construction is not nearly complete, organizers of the 2016 Olympics expressed concern Wednesday that the official Olympic Cemetery would not be completed in time for the games. “We are only days away from the opening ceremony, but there is still considerable work to be done to ensure that the cemetery can comfortably accommodate all the athletes, media members, and fans we expect over the course of the next two weeks,” said a senior International Olympic Committee official speaking on condition of anonymity, adding that progress on the expansive, multimillion-dollar burial site has been repeatedly delayed by budgetary issues stemming from the high cost of caskets and a recent strike by gravediggers demanding better working conditions. “At this point, less than half of the burial plots are ready, there is still scaffolding over the mausoleums, and we’re still awaiting dozens of gravestones being shipped from China. But we will do our best, and hopefully everything will be ready before the bodies begin arriving.” The IOC official did confirm, however, that enough of the Olympic Cemetery has been completed to at least house dozens of migrant workers who were part of its construction.
Flossing Might Not Aid Oral Health #~# Though it has been a promoted practice since 1979, flossing has been removed from the Dietary Guidelines for Americans due to insufficient evidence that it helps prevent gum disease. What do you think?
Obama Holds Camp David Summit To Ease Tensions With Coyotes #~# THURMONT, MD—Predicting a landmark diplomatic breakthrough in the historically bitter and contentious relationship, President Barack Obama said Wednesday he has high hopes for talks this week at Camp David intended to ease tensions with the coyote population.
Study: Average Person’s Enjoyment Of Vacation Drops 36% For Each Additional Family Member Present #~# COLLEGE PARK, MD—Finding consistent results across all types and durations of vacation, from multi-week cruises to brief weekends spent camping, a report released Monday by the University of Maryland revealed that the average person’s enjoyment of their time away from work or school drops 36 percent for each additional family member present. “We studied more than 3,000 vacationing subjects and found that their overall levels of relaxation and satisfaction dropped by more than a third for every parent, sibling, child, aunt, or uncle accompanying them,” said lead researcher Yvonne Ryan, warning that individuals who spent their vacation with three or more family members effectively neutralized any potential enjoyment they could have expected from such a break. “While 36 percent represents the average amount that a relative reduces one’s enjoyment of a vacation, we found that certain family members have far greater adverse impacts on one’s pleasure, with elderly relatives and most in-laws reducing enjoyment levels by 50 percent or more.” Ryan added, however, that such negative effects could largely be counteracted by a threefold increase in one’s normal alcohol consumption for each additional family member present.
A Timeline Of The Feminist Movement #~# Seeking equal representation of women in all facets of society, the feminist movement has found a prominent place in the national conversation and has evolved greatly from one decade to the next. The Onion looks at some of the movement’s critical milestones.
France Stops Publishing Names, Images Of Terrorists #~# In the wake of recent terrorist acts by extremists, several French media outlets have announced they will no longer be publishing the names and faces of terrorists in order to avoid “posthumous glorification.” What do you think?
Report: Ground Still Least Desirable Surface For Breaking Fall #~# WASHINGTON—Citing its innate hardness and increased likelihood of causing pain, the Department of Health and Human Services published a report Tuesday revealing that the ground remains the least desirable surface for breaking a fall. “Our research determined that whether an individual stumbles while walking or plummets from a great height, the firmness of the ground and its inability to absorb impacts places it at the very bottom of the list of favored surfaces on which to land,” said the report’s lead author, Miles Potter, who confirmed that numerous other surfaces, such as water, mattresses, and fabric awnings, were found to be preferable to the ground for their ability to soften a landing and minimize bruises, lacerations, and broken bones. “The solid, unyielding nature of the ground leads us to recommend that anyone currently plunging downward in an out-of-control fashion instead choose an open dumpster full of garbage bags, a haystack, or even other people to cushion their fall.” The report also stated that anyone who must come into forcible contact with the ground should opt for soil over harder options like concrete and rock.
New Domino’s App Allows Customer To Track Pizza’s Movement Through Digestive System #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Giving customers the ability to keep tabs on their order through every step of the process, Domino’s Pizza announced Tuesday the release of a new app that lets users track the progress of their food as it moves through the human digestive system. “After you take that first mouthwatering bite of Domino’s pizza, just log into our app on your smartphone or tablet to get updates on how your meal is progressing from ingestion, to digestion, to absorption, to elimination from the body,” Domino’s CEO J. Patrick Doyle said of the app that can reportedly provide users with real-time alerts when a food item has reached their pharynx, esophagus, stomach, small intestine, colon, rectum, or anus. “When you order from Domino’s, you don’t have to sit around wondering when your pizza or cheesy bread is going to arrive at its ultimate destination. As soon as you swallow, there’s a timer and a status bar that provides a detailed description of exactly where your food is and what’s happening to it.” According to company officials, Domino’s guarantees its deliveries will pass through you in 30 minutes or less.
McDonald’s To Remove Corn Syrup From Buns #~# Citing customers’ desire for simpler, more natural ingredients, McDonald’s has announced their burger buns will now contain sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup, while their chicken will be rid of antibiotics and preservatives. What do you think?
How Juries Are Selected #~# The process of selecting 12 individuals to serve as a jury of the defendant’s peers is a hallowed part of our justice system. The Onion provides a step-by-step look at how these jurors are chosen:
‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow #~# NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow. “Every time I open my mouth, the words come out all wrong,” Trump reportedly said in between long, heaving sobs, his voice muffled by the pillow as he occasionally pounded a balled-up fist into the mattress. “I try so hard, but I just can’t talk right, and everyone gets so mad at me. I just wish I could talk nicely like everyone else.” At press time, an exhausted Trump had reportedly cried himself into a perfectly sound sleep.
Instagram Aims To Reduce Harassment #~# In order to combat online harassment, Instagram has announced they will let users filter their comment streams and provide the option of entirely muting comments beneath individual posts. What do you think?
Tips For Giving A Best Man Speech #~# Brought to you by Speed Stick
Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative #~# NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative. “We’ve tried to run a clean campaign that we can all take pride in, but if we’re truly serious about winning this thing, now might be the time to drop the nice guy act and get a little dirty,” said campaign chairman Paul Manafort, adding that the candidate should at the very least consider ramping up personal attacks on his opponents, even if the tactic feels slightly underhanded. “Ideally, we would continue to stay the course and keep everything upstanding and aboveboard, but in politics, you sometimes have to hit below the belt. Just because it isn’t the way we’re used to operating doesn’t mean we should dismiss the idea of getting into the mud to help our cause.” At press time, Manafort acknowledged that Trump supporters might be unsettled by the dramatic shift in tone, but expressed hope that his candidate’s reputation could handle any blowback.
No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988 #~# BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.
‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him. “After conducting extensive psychological examinations of the individual in question, our board has determined that the patient shows no sign of delusion or hallucination and is in fact receiving regular instruction from Earth’s moon to commit murder, and our classification manual must be revised to reflect these findings,” said APA medical director Saul M. Levin, clarifying that the man’s affliction would not be subcategorized as a schizophrenic or psychotic disorder, as the voice he hears urging him to bludgeon others to death in fits of manic violence emanates from the moon itself and not from within his own mind. “Based on our study of this patient, we will add the new entry ‘Lunar-Motivated Homicidal Impulse Syndrome’ to the DSM, which is characterized by regular communication with the moon, persistent homicidal urges, and violent behavior stemming from one’s efforts to appease the moon.” Levin added that because the man’s mental state did not derive from any abnormal neurochemistry, standard psychiatric medications would likely have little effect on his condition, and thus his only course of treatment would be to cut out the small device that was implanted in his brain for receiving the transmissions.
Trampoline Injuries On The Rise #~# According to the journal Pediatrics, the increasing popularity of indoor trampoline parks has led to a dramatic rise in emergency room visits for trampoline-related injuries such as sprains, fractures, and dislocations. What do you think?
God Loses Tip Of Finger In Black Hole Accident #~# MESSIER 74 GALAXY—Recoiling in pain after the gravitational vortex tore off a chunk of flesh and bone down to the first knuckle, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly lost the tip of His right index finger Monday in an accident involving an intermediate-mass black hole. “Ah, son of a bitch—Christ, that hurt like a motherfucker,” said the Divine Creator, who sucked blood from the mangled stump as He chastised Himself for not paying closer attention to what He was doing while building a new spiral galaxy. “I knew I should have shut that thing down eons ago. Oh well, the tip of my finger is in there now, so no use trying to get it back. Dammit, now there’s blood all over the universe.” The Lord then wrapped His finger in an excess piece of robe and went off in search of a neutron star to cauterize the wound.
Amazon Sees Record Profits #~# Amazon’s revenues have leapt 31 percent in the online retail giant’s third straight quarter of record-breaking sales, for a total profit of $857 million. What do you think?
Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb #~# APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb. “Man, this guy has no idea what he’s doing—he just picked up a bunch of round-head screws even though everyone knows the flat-head ones cause more bodily damage,” said Warner, pointing out that the man had cluelessly grabbed end caps that wouldn’t even fit the width of pipe he had selected. “He asked me where the batteries were, so I showed him, but then he just stood there staring at all the options for a few minutes before tentatively picking one out. Look, look at him now—oh, jeez, he has nowhere near enough wire for the fuse, and that’s way too much chlorate fertilizer, though it’s not going to do him any good since he got the one with dirt already mixed into it.” According to reports, Warner sighed and rolled his eyes knowingly when the man returned to the store several hours later with his hand wrapped in gauze.
Unique Ways To Prepare Chicken #~# Brought to you by Perdue
Tips For Keeping Jealousy Out Of Your Friendship #~# Catch a hilarious and heartbreaking glimpse of the NYC improv scene. Keegan Michael Key, Gillian Jacobs, and Mike Birbiglia star in “Don’t Think Twice,” in theaters now. Learn more here. 
Library Of Congress Completes Destruction Of 70 Million Works Deemed Culturally Insignificant #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that it had selected the pieces because of their lack of any intellectual, historic, or aesthetic value, the Library of Congress reportedly completed destruction Friday of 70 million works deemed culturally insignificant. “Following an exhaustive six-year audit of our collection, we determined that nearly half the books, recordings, films, photographs, and manuscripts in our archives were of such little consequence to the cultural canon that they were worthy of complete eradication from the American consciousness,” said Librarian of Congress Carla Hayden, explaining that institution officials had, as of this morning, finished incinerating the final batch of meaningless creations, including 15 tons of outdated medical texts, hundreds of 19th-century telegraph line maps, and the 2010 motion picture The Last Airbender, in order to ensure they were not preserved for future generations. “In some cases, such as our vast troves of military march sheet music and photographic negatives of rural Americans quilting, works were selected for destruction based on their lack of artistic merit, while others, like Styx’s The Serpent Is Rising and the movie sequel Grease 2, represent the nadir of a particular historical era. Wiping out these terrible pieces is vitally important to maintaining our proud, rich cultural heritage.” Hayden added that the Library of Congress did elect to preserve the film Con Air, which the board members guiltily admitted they still like to watch, even if it is kind of shitty.
Tips For Safely Carrying Large Sums Of Cash #~# Smuggle yourself to theaters to see Masterminds, out September 30. Buy tickets at tickets.mastermindsmovie.com.
Challenges Of Being A Third Party Candidate #~# This message is approved by Webster Bilder and endorsed by Wix.com. Learn more about Webster Bilder’s agenda on websterbilder.com
Report: Trump Conducted Illegal Business In Cuba #~# Newsweek has revealed that Donald Trump conducted business in Communist Cuba throughout the late 1990s, illegally violating the trade embargo even while publicly declaring that U.S. businesses must avoid deals with Cuba in order to help bring down Castro. What do you think?
Jim Harbaugh Disappointed To Learn Electroshock Therapy Session Already Over #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Saying that he had hardly noticed the time go by while receiving the series of electrically induced seizures, University of Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh was reportedly disappointed Friday upon learning that his electroshock therapy session was over so soon. “Oh, is our time up already?” Harbaugh was overheard saying as doctors carefully removed electrodes from his forehead that were used to deliver dozens of 450-volt shocks over the course of his 45-minute session. “These sessions are my favorite part of the week, but they always seem to go by so quickly. Well, I’m looking forward to picking this up where we left off when I come back next time.” Harbaugh added that he considered the moment during the session when he began uncontrollably vomiting to be a “real breakthrough” in his treatment.
Strongside/Weakside: Trevor Siemian #~# Second-year quarterback Trevor Siemian has quickly established himself as the Denver Broncos’ starter with three straight wins. Is he any good?
Clinton Delivers Stump Speech In Moscow Warehouse In Effort To Appeal To Russian Hackers #~# MOSCOW—Emphasizing that she understood their concerns and was committed to addressing them as president, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton delivered an impassioned stump speech in an unmarked warehouse on the outskirts of Moscow Friday in an effort to appeal to Russian hackers. “Each one of you here today and all those like you around this great country are going to play a pivotal role in determining the next president of the United States, and I promise to do what it takes to earn your support,” said Clinton, delivering a 30-minute address in Russian before briefly walking through the dingy, dimly lit warehouse in the city’s Otradnoye District to shake hands and take pictures with the crowd of around 130 young hackers hunched over rows of computers. “I know that many of you are dissatisfied with the state of American politics, as am I. So I urge you to channel your frustration into helping put the right candidate for the job into office. Together, we can assure that America has a president who will fight for everyone’s interests. I hope I can count on your backing in November.” Clinton reportedly ended her speech by delivering a specific plea for support tailored to those hackers planning to launch cyberattacks on electronic voting systems in Florida, Ohio, and Nevada.
James Dyson Meets In Secret With Alien Ambassador To Receive Technology For New Hand Dryer #~# TUCUMCARI, NM—Greeting the extraterrestrial diplomat at their usual rendezvous point atop an isolated mesa in the High Plains of eastern New Mexico, Dyson Ltd CEO James Dyson reportedly met in secret with an alien ambassador from the Zartrepylon star system to receive the latest technology for a new hand dryer Thursday night. “I bring you our newest design, the Cyclinox, the most powerful hand dryer in the Virgo Supercluster,” said Ambassador Ahololoax, Intergalactic Minister of the Phylexor Dominion, handing the businessman the new wall-mounted device while explaining how it used an advanced system of fans beyond human comprehension to blow a concentrated sheet of air 1.8 times faster and with 70 percent more energy efficiency than any primitive earthling hand dryer technology. “Our kingdom has the driest hands in all the galaxy. It would take 500 of your Earth years for your species to even begin developing the airblade technology needed to eliminate moisture with such speed and hygiene, but alas, we bestow it upon you to spread to your people and further the progress of your race.” Before leaving, the ambassador reportedly told Dyson he would return with his kind’s latest vacuum cleaner whenever he felt humanity could properly handle such powerful cyclonic suction.
Ban On Voting Booth Selfies Ruled Unconstitutional #~# The First Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that New Hampshire’s 2014 law banning voting booth selfies is unconstitutional because the First Amendment protects citizens’ right to openly discuss their ballot. What do you think?
Teammate Actually Trying To Do Homework During 30-Minute Period Between School, Practice #~# CHADDS FORD, PA—Watching in disbelief as she pulled out a textbook in the midst of the busy locker room, members of the Unionville High School field hockey team told reporters Thursday that sophomore forward Kelly Wilcox was actually trying to do some homework during the 30-minute period between school and the start of practice. “She’s sitting there with some bio worksheet on her lap that she’s rushing to finish, but what the hell does she think she’s going to accomplish in the next half hour?” said junior defender Katie Fitzgerald, adding that Wilcox, who changed into her practice clothes faster than anyone else on the team, was somehow tuning out the din of other girls talking and slamming lockers shut as she flipped through her textbook in search of answers to her homework questions. “You need a little time to grab your field hockey stuff and head to the locker room after ninth period lets out, and then it takes at least 15 minutes to change and walk over to the field, so she’s only got about 10 minutes, max, to get any work done. Why even bother?” At press time, locker room sources confirmed that, holy shit, it looked like Wilcox actually completed the entire assignment right before heading out to practice.
California Ends Statute Of Limitations On Sex Crimes #~# In the wake of the many allegations against Bill Cosby, California has passed legislation that ends statute of limitations on rape and other sex crimes, previously set at 10 years. What do you think?
Tim Kaine Forced To Drink Ipecac After Eating Sheet Of ‘I’m With Her’ Stickers #~# APPLETON, WI—Acting quickly to induce vomiting, members of Hillary Clinton’s campaign staff confirmed Thursday that they forced Tim Kaine to drink syrup of ipecac after the Democratic vice presidential nominee ate an entire sheet of “I’m With Her” stickers. “We didn’t even notice Tim had gotten into the stickers until he had already swallowed at least 30 or 40 of them, so we called the poison control center and they recommended that we give him ipecac immediately,” said Clinton campaign aide Sarah Wattsford, adding that the Virginia senator had to be physically restrained after refusing to open his mouth for the medicine and then, on two successive dosing attempts, spitting the “yucky stuff” onto the floor. “It’s really our fault for not keeping a better eye on Tim. The stickers are bright blue and round and kind of look like candy. You turn around for just a second and the next thing you know, Tim’s just peeling them off the sheet and shoving them in his mouth.” At press time, the campaign staff was reportedly looking for a clean set of clothes for Kaine, who had vomited all over his shirt and pants.
Report: 38% Of Road Trips End With Burying Friend In Shallow Grave In Desert #~# PHILADELPHIA—A report published Thursday by sociologists at the University of Pennsylvania has determined that 38 percent of all road trips end with the traveling group of companions burying one of their members in a shallow grave in the desert. “According to our data, more than a third of road trips conclude with several individuals gathering in the darkness miles from the main road and solemnly digging a 2-foot-deep burial pit in the sand for a friend they just put out of his misery with a lug wrench,” said the study’s lead researcher, Molly Lashker, adding that within the particular subset of cases, 63 percent of the travelers draw lots to determine who will retrieve the body from the trunk, 79 percent rush to turn off the car’s headlights when they hear the sound of an engine in the distance, and 98 percent make a pact to never speak of what happened again. “The proportion of journeys that end in a rushed late-night desert burial appeared to be consistent across all types of road trips, whether it was a spur-of-the-moment two-day retreat or a week-long cross-country adventure. We also found that in nearly every instance, the outing begins with each of the friends happily singing along to the radio and declaring that it was going to be the best trip ever.” Lashker went on to note that only 2 percent of road trips involve the supposedly deceased friend frantically clawing their way out of the grave and stalking the others.
How Fashion Trends Arise #~# With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step:
‘Playboy’ To Feature Muslim Woman In Hijab #~# An upcoming issue of Playboy will feature Noor Tagouri, a 22-year-old Muslim journalist who will sport a leather jacket, black jeans, hijab, and Converse shoes in the photo as part of a “Renegade” series profiling revolutionary women. What do you think?
Measles Eliminated In North, South America #~# At a meeting in Washington this week, the World Health Organization announced that the measles vaccine has eradicated the disease in all of the Americas, from Canada to Chile, the first time that it has been eliminated from an entire region instead of one country at a time. What do you think?
SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars #~# SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:
Cat Internally Debates Whether Or Not To Rip Head Off Smaller Creature It Just Met #~# ROCKVILLE, MD—Staring attentively at the potential prey while carefully weighing its best course of action, local cat Jasper was reportedly locked in an intense internal debate Wednesday about whether or not to rip the head off a smaller creature it had just happened upon. “Hmm, should I just walk on by or should I sink my teeth into its neck and pop that little head right off?” the 6-year-old American shorthair reportedly thought to itself, prowling within striking distance as it mulled over viciously decapitating the seemingly unaware chipmunk that stood foraging in the grass just a few feet away from it or simply continuing on with its day. “I could pounce on that thing and snap its head off in one bite, easy. Or I could just slink over there and curl up on that chair on the deck. Tough call.” At press time, the cat had opted to bat around the mortally wounded rodent a few dozen times to give it a little extra time to decide.
Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate #~# CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate. “President Clinton put in a strong showing on Monday, sitting erect in his chair with his eyes open all night, but in order for him to repeat that kind of performance, it’s crucial that he spend the next 11 days building up his strength,” said communications director Jennifer Palmieri, adding that 90 minutes was quite a long time to remain in a sitting position fully awake without any break, but noted that the campaign staff was extremely confident the nation’s 42nd president would be able to come through again. “It’s not going to be easy, but we believe that if the president gets plenty of rest over the next week and a half, he’ll be ready to sit still in a chair for the entire town hall forum in St. Louis on October 9. He knows there are many doubters out there who question his ability to pull off such a feat two times in a row, and he aims to silence them.” Palmieri added that Clinton was focused on building up his endurance with intense daily workouts of standing up for several seconds.
Pope Francis Wears Miter With Faceshield To Comply With New Vatican Safety Measures #~# VATICAN CITY—Receiving protection against chemical, environmental, and immoral hazards in the workplace, Pope Francis reportedly began wearing a miter fitted with a hard polycarbonate faceshield this week to comply with the Vatican’s new health and safety standards. “When presiding over mass in one of our holy facilities, the pope is required at all times to wear a miter fitted with a heavy-duty, splash-resistant visor, which safeguards the eyes and face against everything from contaminated holy water to flying sparks from a swinging thurible,” said Cardinal Angelo Sandri, who noted that the shield was designed with a hinge along the brow, offering full facial protection while still allowing His Holiness to swivel the visor away from his face when he needs to drink from the Communion chalice or kiss the feet of the poor. “It might be a little uncomfortable to wear during long papal audiences, but all it takes is one stray metal shard or evil spirit and the Vicar of Christ is blinded for life.” Vatican sources confirmed that the new wardrobe requirement was spurred by a 2015 incident in which the pope had four teeth knocked out by an errant host.
Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns #~# MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns. “I’ve been behind this woman for a few streets now, and you can tell she gets some real satisfaction each time she sticks her arm out and lets everyone know which way she’s going,” said local commuter Pete Ulrich, adding that based on the similar enthusiasm with which the cyclist bent her left arm downward at a perfect 90-degree angle next to her, it was obvious she derived an equal amount of pleasure from indicating she was stopping as well. “Just look at the full arm extension she’s putting out there—she absolutely loves every second of it. I’m beginning to think the only reason she’s making any turns at all is so she can signal them.” At press time, sources at the local grocery store where the cyclist had arrived were confirming that she also clearly loved walking around with her pant legs tucked into her socks.
NY Residents Can Now Be Buried With Pets #~# New York governor Andrew Cuomo has signed into law a measure allowing residents to be buried with the cremains of their deceased pet, a practice that was previously banned. What do you think?
Common Pitfalls Of Sudden Wealth #~# Be sure to see Masterminds, in theaters September 30. Buy Tickets Now at tickets.mastermindsmovie.com.
How Money Affects Relationships #~# Masterminds: the story of one man’s noble plan to #getstupidrich. Buy tickets now at tickets.mastermindsmovie.com.
Trump Relaxes After Debate By Slipping Back Into Nice, Warm Personal Reality #~# NEW YORK—Sighing contentedly as the evening’s stresses melted away, Donald Trump reportedly kicked back and relaxed after the first presidential debate Monday night by slipping into his nice, warm personal reality, sources confirmed. “Ahhh,” said the GOP nominee in audible satisfaction as he eased his way into the pleasant universe of his own making, growing calmer and more comfortable as he submerged himself fully within the soothing world of facts, opinions, and personal adulation that exist solely to him alone. “Mmmmm, much better.” According to sources, Trump then sat back with his eyes closed and a serene smile on his face as he allowed a refreshing rush of extremely positive reviews of his debate performance to wash over him.
Roller Coasters Could Help Kidney Stones #~# A Michigan State University urologist has discovered that riding roller coasters such as Big Thunder Mountain could help to dislodge kidney stones and allow them to pass with minimal medical intervention. What do you think?
Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate #~# Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
How Countries Around The World View The U.S. #~# As a world leader of industry and influence, the United States has a variable reputation among other countries around the globe. The Onion breaks down how other nations view the U.S.:
Woman Pieces Together Timeline Of Boyfriend’s Past Relationships Like Detective Tracking Zodiac Killer #~# DEKALB, IL—Painstakingly sifting through multiple social media accounts as she cross-referenced a series of names, dates, and locations, area woman Alexis Gill, 28, reportedly pieced together a timeline of her boyfriend’s past relationships Tuesday like a detective hot on the trail of the Zodiac Killer. “Huh, so it looks like he and this girl Erin were together over Christmas, and then, if I’m reading these old status updates right, they broke up and then got back together again about a month later—but was that while he was still in Detroit?” Gill said aloud in her darkened bedroom before poring over a series of hashtags beside an old Instagram post of her boyfriend and an unidentified brunette as though she were a seasoned law enforcement agent attempting to decipher the Zodiac’s unsolved 1969 cryptograms. “Then there’s the girl he apparently met on his road trip that summer. She makes a reappearance in some of these pictures from Coachella, but that leaves a 10-month gap in between where she’s not tagged in anything—that is, unless she’s the mysterious ‘caligirl99’ who keeps popping up in his Tumblr mentions. I wonder if they slept together?” Sources confirmed that Gill, piecing together clues like an FBI analyst testing a swatch of one of the Zodiac victims’ shirts, later tried to match the various women she had zeroed in on with the thin strip of floral garment that hadn’t been fully cropped from the right side of her boyfriend’s Facebook profile picture.
Renamed Arena Will Always Be Verizon Wireless Amphitheater To Locals #~# VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Defiantly refusing to call the concert venue by the current title appearing on its facade and in promotional materials, Virginia Beach locals confirmed to reporters Tuesday their city’s renamed arena will always be the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater to them. “Verizon Wireless Amphitheater is the name I grew up with, and that’s what I’m alway going to call it. Period,” said Kevin DiClaudio, 25, claiming that the people in charge of the arena had to be “out of their minds” if they thought he was going to start referring to the venue as the Veterans United Home Loans Amphitheater after all these years, seeing as how everyone in town and throughout the greater Hampton Roads area knew it by its previous moniker. “People won’t even know what I’m talking about if I use that new name. But if I say Verizon Wireless Amphitheater, it brings up all these memories. It’s where we go see the fireworks every year. It’s where my dad took me to a Jimmy Buffett concert when I was young. You can’t just go changing history like that.” DiClaudio later added that he still couldn’t bring himself to visit the rebranded Food Lion over on Sandbridge Road, saying he wanted to respect the property’s long, rich history as a Bloom supermarket.
Hopeless Resignation Receives Massive Post-Debate Bump #~# WASHINGTON—Highlighting its strong showing at the first presidential debate Monday, a Gallup report released this morning revealed that hopeless resignation has received a substantial bump in the polls. “Our real-time polling data from last night’s presidential debate showed a clear trend, with hopeless resignation charting higher and higher as the evening progressed—it really seemed to resonate with viewers,” said Gallup spokesperson Sarah Langley, who noted that hopeless resignation’s current surge far surpassed the boost it experienced following the conventions, spiking to the highest level of the election cycle. “Last night was easily the biggest moment of the campaign season for hopeless resignation, and I think most Americans recognized that. Clearly, many voters who were on the fence were convinced by what they saw in the debate.” Langley added that if current trends continue, hopeless resignation is likely to reach a historic high in the polls by Election Day.
More Hispanic Women Treated For Breast Cancer Under ACA #~# New research shows the number of Hispanic women seeking treatment for breast cancer rose significantly after the Affordable Care Act was implemented, suggesting improved access to health care. What do you think?
Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range #~# CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range. “I’d love to find something with a lot of character—or, you know, just something really solidly built,” said Lange after clicking on three more affordable listings in her desired neighborhood, each of which revised her vision of a midsize 1930s Craftsman and left merely the idea of a detached single-family home in its place. “I’ve always adored the idea of having a charming old vintage home full of original details, or a midcentury one, or even a more recently built place to call my own. A home that really keeps a roof over your head, that’s what I’ve got my eye on.” At press time, Lange had clicked on a listing for a handsome, on-budget brick colonial in her area and was in the midst of explaining aloud to herself that, really, any number of bathrooms would be great, even just one.
Man’s Only Contribution To House Search Periodically Telling Wife He Wishes He Knew How To Help #~# ELMHURST, IL—Furrowing his brow and nodding along to his wife’s pricing and location concerns Tuesday, local man Grant Foster’s sole contribution to the search for a new home has reportedly been to periodically tell his wife he wishes he knew how to help. “I’m sorry, hon, it sounds like there aren’t a ton of options available in the neighborhoods we had our eye on—I wish there were some way I could help you out,” said Foster, shaking his head and, for the fifth time in as many days, declaring what a shame it was that he couldn’t be of any assistance while his wife jotted down a list of local school district ratings and proximities to their respective workplaces. “I hate to see you stressed out by such a big project. Plus, you have to get this house ready for sale at the same time you’re looking at all these new places. Wish there was something I could do.” At press time, Foster reportedly patted his wife twice on the shoulder as she hunched back over her laptop with nine open tabs of realty listings, their bank statements, and a calculator.
Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate #~# HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate. “Just the way he carried himself up there on the debate stage, Trump definitely came off very male tonight,” said Amarillo, TX resident Brad Miller, adding that he was repeatedly struck by Trump’s body language, behavior, and vocal characteristics, which he said imbued the candidate with a distinctive male air that he found reassuring. “He conducted himself in an extremely male manner all night long regardless of the topic he was discussing, and that definitely resonated with me. I can easily see him being male for the next four years.” Viewers admitted that while Hillary Clinton seemed intelligent and capable throughout the debate, she failed to project the suitable male demeanor necessary to hold the Oval Office.
Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses #~# HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates. “Of the 2,000 individuals surveyed, we found that nearly nine in 10 said they would be watching tonight’s debate on the off-chance that they might get to witness the roof of Hofstra University’s Hagedorn Hall suddenly cave in and crush the nominees for president,” said Quinnipiac spokesman Michael Jovan, adding that the vast majority of the poll’s respondents expressed interest in how the candidates would respond to the entire overhead lighting grid or large chunks of the ceiling falling directly on top of them. “Our data also showed that over half of those surveyed wanted to hear what the Democratic and Republican nominees would scream if the floor of the debate stage suddenly splintered apart beneath their feet due to a massive earthquake directly below the building that swallowed both of them into the bowels of the earth.” Researchers noted that roughly one-third of survey respondents expressed displeasure with the debate format, saying that Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson should have been allowed onstage to be squashed alongside the major-party choices.
Open-Minded Voter Waits Almost 5 Minutes Into Debate To Decide Who Won #~# NEW LONDON, CT—Giving both nominees an equal opportunity to make their case, open-minded voter Jeremy Holcomb, 36, reportedly waited almost five minutes into Monday night’s presidential debate to decide which candidate had won. “Hillary brought her A-game tonight, and it’s pretty easy to see that she scored a clear victory over Trump,” said the thoughtful and evenhanded citizen at 9:05 p.m. Eastern Time, having reportedly considered roughly two minutes’ worth of statements made by each presidential nominee before declaring that Clinton had turned in a “dominant performance.” “Trump just couldn’t get his act together, while Hillary was very poised and presidential behind the podium. And her remarks on the economy [delivered during her opening statement, before the night’s first question had been posed to either candidate] totally sealed it for her. Trump really had no chance.” The fair-minded, judicious voter then reportedly posted a Facebook status update stating that Clinton’s strong showing was likely the “final nail in the coffin of Trump’s campaign” with 81 minutes left in the debate.
Lester Holt Begins Debate By Reminding Audience These The Candidates They Chose #~# HEMPSTEAD, NY—After making brief introductory remarks and inviting both nominees to take the stage at Hofstra University Monday night, moderator Lester Holt reportedly began the first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump by reminding the audience that these were the candidates they had chosen. “Before we begin, I’d like to take a moment to refresh the memories of everyone in this auditorium and all those watching at home by noting that the people standing before me tonight are the candidates whom you selected to lead the country for the next four years,” said the NBC Nightly News anchor, noting that the democratic process had functioned properly throughout the primary elections and, therefore, the two major-party nominees onstage were the result of the American people’s wishes. “So, just as a recap: You had numerous options and a full year to decide on the candidates you wanted to be your next president, and these were the two you picked. These two. Right here. All right, now let’s begin.” Several moments later, Holt reportedly responded to the night’s first testy exchange between the two candidates by curtly reminding debate viewers that there was no going back.
Ted Cruz Endorses Trump #~# Senator Ted Cruz has officially endorsed Donald Trump despite a bitter primary that saw the two exchange many barbs, with Cruz explaining that Trump is the party’s only hope to defeat Hillary Clinton. What do you think?
New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety #~# SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems. “Our findings suggest that resolving all of the major issues plaguing one’s life, as well as all the minor ones, is correlated with a considerable decrease in the body’s cortisol levels, leading to lower stress and an increase in reported life satisfaction,” said the report’s lead author, Ellen Monroe, who added that getting oneself out of debt, ironing out any interpersonal conflicts at one’s workplace, patching up all disagreements with one’s spouse and family members, finding a good and affordable nearby restaurant option for when one’s friend is in town visiting, and taking care of several hundred other lingering concerns in one’s life was found to appreciably lessen feelings of worry and tension. “Once our trial subjects had thoroughly and successfully addressed every situation in their lives that was bothering them, the improvements to mental well-being were almost immediate. In fact, we would recommend that anyone experiencing anxiety try eliminating every last obstacle in their life as soon as possible.” Monroe later noted, however, that fixing all one’s problems resulted in barely a 12 percent reduction in anxiety on average, with the remaining baseline level of generalized anxiety continuing to persist and affect one’s thoughts and quality of sleep at all times regardless of whatever actions an individual has chosen to take.
Friend Really Laying Into Self For Failing To Reply To Email Sooner #~# MONTCLAIR, NJ—Expressing deep regret for her “inexcusable” behavior, local 29-year-old Erin Griffith is said to have really laid into herself Monday for failing to reply to a friend’s email sooner. “I am so, so sorry for the late response. I’m such an idiot,” wrote Griffith in the belated email to her old college roommate, which reportedly began with an entire paragraph detailing all the reasons her reply was late and included nearly a dozen separate apologetic statements throughout the body of the message in which she raked herself over the coals for her tardiness. “I’ve been super busy with work and I was traveling the past two weekends, but that’s absolutely no excuse. I should have written you back sooner.” After eventually addressing her friend’s original question in a brief paragraph, Griffith reportedly called back to her sense of contrition in the email’s closing, saying “sorry again” and vowing that she would respond much quicker next time.
Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With #~# HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with. “It’d be nice to know how far I can stretch the truth during this thing, so I figure I’ll toss out a complete fabrication right off the bat by saying that most crime in the U.S. is committed by illegal immigrants, and then just see what kind of pushback I get,” said Trump, adding that the moderator’s response to the patently false statement would give him a good idea of how many claims he could make up right on the spot throughout the remainder of the evening. “If they call me out on it, it’s no big deal; I’ll just know that I mostly have to stick to smaller distortions, like exaggerating unemployment and terrorism statistics or fudging my past positions on tax increases and the Iraq War. But if they let it slide, that means I can really go to town out there and say whatever I think voters will respond to.” Trump added that even if he was corrected on his initial lie, he would probably still be able to stick with it by simply repeating it over and over until it wore the moderator down.
How To Turn An Internship Into A Job Offer #~# Brought to you by Speed Stick
Fitness Trackers Lead To Less Weight Loss #~# A new report found that using digital fitness trackers might actually deter weight loss, with tracker users losing 5.3 fewer pounds on average than a control group. What do you think?
Rahm Emanuel Concerned Gun Violence Could Spread To Parts Of City He Gives Shit About #~# CHICAGO— Speaking with members of his staff in private Monday after receiving the most recent municipal crime statistics, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel is said to have expressed his concern that the metropolitan area’s gun violence problem might soon spread to the parts of the city he actually gives a shit about, sources reported. “Listen, we’re at 3,000 shootings this year and counting—it’s only a matter of time before this violence migrates from the areas of the city I don’t give a fuck about into the areas that actually matter in my eyes,” the second-term mayor reportedly said, adding that it would be devastating to see such senseless shootings affect residents outside of the large swaths of Chicago he has written off entirely. “If we don’t do something soon to keep guns off the streets of those particular neighborhoods that I consider worthwhile, things could really spiral out of control. Enough is enough when it comes to the parts of this city that I choose to serve.” At press time, Emanuel was breathing a sigh of relief after learning that six Chicagoans killed overnight were shot dead in neighborhoods he couldn’t care less about.
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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’ #~# WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.
South Korea Unveils Plan To Assassinate Kim Jong-Un #~# In response to North Korea’s increased missile testing and mounting aggression, South Korea has revealed a plan to eliminate Kim Jong-un via surgical missile strikes, should it become necessary. What do you think?
Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson #~# After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
How To Strike It Rich #~# Not all get-rich-quick ideas are created equal. Come see Masterminds, in theaters September 30.
Small Town Beginning To Wonder What Taking Heroin Epidemic So Long To Get There #~# BOSWELL, IN—Saying they figured their community’s mix of high unemployment and low economic mobility would make it a prime target for the drug problem devastating similar small towns throughout the nation, residents of Boswell, IN reportedly wondered aloud Friday what was taking the heroin epidemic so long to get there. “I keep hearing about how small, economically depressed cities all over the country have been succumbing to the flood of cheap heroin, and given the state of things here, it just seems like we really should be looking on helplessly as our neighbors turn to lives of hard drug use,” said Boswell native Kathryn Witte, echoing the sentiments of her 770 fellow residents who argued that, with the town’s rural location and lack of entertainment options, Boswell should be awash in overdoses and drug-related crime by now. “Our population’s shrinking, most of the old jobs are gone, and we keep falling further and further behind the modern economy—you’d think there’d be hundreds of desperate people here just looking for an easy escape. But for whatever reason, it just hasn’t hit yet. Huh.” In contrast to the late-arriving heroin epidemic, Witte added that the town had been far ahead of the trend when it came to the spike in the local suicide rate.
Ken Burns Completes Documentary About Fucking Liars Who Claimed They Watched Entire ‘Jazz’ Series #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Announcing that the new 12-hour project would air on PBS next month, filmmaker Ken Burns confirmed Friday he had completed production on a documentary about all the fucking liars who claimed they watched his entire Jazz miniseries. “I became fascinated with the subject when I overheard a couple of lying shitheads saying they’d seen all of Jazz, even though they couldn’t mention the first thing about Dave Brubeck or Dizzy Gillespie—I just knew I had to explore that story,” said the acclaimed documentarian, who noted that the 12-part series would feature interviews and footage of hundreds of assholes who were so clearly full of shit as they insisted they had watched all 1,140 minutes of the series, even the episode on avant-garde jazz and free jazz, despite there being no way in hell that happened. “This project is going to explore exactly who these dishonest little sons of bitches think they’re fooling by claiming they sat down and watched the whole damn thing. There’s even some rare footage of a few of these pieces of shit talking about my depiction of Benny Carter, which wasn’t even in the fucking film.” Burns added that his next project would focus on all the goddamn brown-nosers who keep sending him dumbass pitches for his next documentary.
Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact #~# With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
Study Confirms Link Between Holidays And Weight Gain #~# The New England Journal of Medicine reports that in over 2,000 test subjects, celebrating holidays consistently resulted in weight gain, with Americans gaining between 0.2 and 0.4 percent of their body weight over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. What do you think?
Chicago Adds 1,000 Officers To Police Force #~# To combat the city’s record homicide rate, Chicago officials have announced their plan to expand the police force by nearly 1,000 officers. What do you think?
Soccer Players Under Impression High School’s Football Rivalries Extend To Them Too #~# GLEN ROCK, NJ—Stressing that everyone is counting on them to win what they incorrectly assume to be one of the biggest games of the year, the Glen Rock Panthers soccer team is evidently under the impression that their high school’s football rivalries extend to them as well, sources confirmed Thursday. “We hate the [Lawrenceville High School] Knights and they hate us, so losing against them isn’t an option,” senior defender Nick Freeman said of the upcoming soccer match, which virtually no other student in the school is aware of and which, unlike the heated annual Friday night football game between the two schools, is scheduled for 4 p.m. on a Thursday afternoon. “People were really pissed when they beat us in the playoffs last year, so this is going to be payback. The games between us are always heated, and it’ll probably get pretty physical out there, but if you can’t psych yourself up for a game against the Knights, then you shouldn’t be out on the field.” At press time, the game had reportedly kicked off with a total of eight spectators watching from the sideline.
Gary Johnson Worried He Peaking Too Early After Hitting 9% In Polls #~# SEATTLE—Speaking privately with advisors between campaign stops Thursday, Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson expressed his concern that he was peaking too early after reaching 9 percent in national polls, sources reported. “Boy, this doesn’t look good—it’s way too soon for my numbers to be spiking like this,” said a visibly uneasy Johnson, who added that there was no way he could maintain the sky-high support of nearly one in 10 voters for the remaining seven weeks of the election season. “I’d been hoping to keep expectations realistic, but now what am I supposed to do? I’m at 9.1 percent here—that’s practically double digits. If I try to keep that up, I’m not going to have any gas left in the tank come mid-October. Dammit.” Johnson then reportedly shook his head and quietly muttered there was “nowhere to go but down” after being informed his favorability numbers had skyrocketed above 20 percent.
Most Common Methods Of Voter Suppression #~# Requiring voters to provide self-portrait identification, which disproportionately penalizes those who lack access to pastels, canvas, or easels
Report: U.S. Students Lack Language Skills, Vocabulary To Effectively Belittle Classmates #~# WASHINGTON—According to an alarming new report published Thursday by the National Center for Education Research, the majority of American students do not possess the language skills and vocabulary necessary to belittle their classmates in an effective manner.
Black Man Blissfully Unaware His Name Going To Be Hashtag By End Of Week #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Going about his daily routine without any knowledge of what would transpire in the near future, local black man Richard Phillips was said to be blissfully unaware Thursday that his name would be a social media hashtag by the end of the week. According to sources, the 38-year-old African American and father of two continued to run errands and commute to his job with no inkling that in less than 36 hours, his first and last name would be a nationally trending term on Facebook and Twitter, frequently appearing after the words “justice for” and “remember.” As he purchased his lunch from a sandwich shop around the corner from his workplace, those with knowledge of the situation confirmed Phillips did not have the faintest clue that in addition to the hundreds of thousands of mentions on social media, his name would soon appear on homemade signs and T-shirts worn by thousands of strangers all over the country. At press time, the mercifully oblivious Phillips was, heartbreakingly, calling home and discussing with family members what they wanted to do this weekend.
Applebee’s Steak Sent Back For Not Being Properly Slathered #~# FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Expressing frustration about the entree’s preparation to his waiter, local man Chuck Harrington reportedly sent back his Applebee’s steak Thursday for not being properly slathered. “I’m sorry, but this just isn’t what I ordered,” said Harrington, adding that anyone could plainly see that the cut of meat was barely smothered at all in Jack Daniel’s Double-Barrel Whiskey Glaze. “I never do this, but look at this steak; it’s not even sopping with sweet, tangy sauce. I asked for this well-drenched.” At press time, Harrington had sent back his Classic Fries for being insufficiently jazzed up with cajun spices.
George H.W. Bush To Vote For Clinton #~# Sources close to 92-year-old former president George H.W. Bush have confirmed he has expressed his commitment to vote for Hillary Clinton in November. What do you think?
Deion Sanders Recalls Starting Out As NFL Network Researcher #~# CULVER CITY, CA—Reflecting on how far he has come in his career, football analyst Deion Sanders told reporters Wednesday about his experience starting out at the NFL Network as a researcher. “It wasn’t easy to start at the bottom like that—there were plenty of late nights in the stacks compiling passing stats for every team and combing through player bios for facts to use in the broadcast,” said Sanders, adding that after joining the network in 2006, he worked for nearly two and a half years in an entry-level role before being promoted to segment producer, which eventually led to an audition for an on-air role. “If you screwed something up, or didn’t have the research packets organized and color-coded the way Rich [Eisen] and the other guys liked it, you’d never hear the end of it from the executive producers. I sure didn’t love getting coffee for Brian Billick and Steve Mariucci every morning, or pulling footage from old games to use for pregame highlights, but that’s how I cut my teeth here.” Sanders added that he is incredibly grateful to have gotten the chance to advance at the network and isn’t still stuck working as a production assistant like Curtis Martin.
Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt Divorce #~# TMZ is reporting that Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, her partner of 12 years and husband of two, citing irreconcilable differences. What do you think?
Blindfolded Clinton Invites Debate Coaches To Attack Her With Talking Points From All Sides #~# NEW YORK—Standing slightly crouched with her fists raised up in front of her in the middle of her campaign office’s mock stage, a blindfolded Hillary Clinton reportedly implored her high-level staffers to attack her with talking points from all sides Wednesday in preparation for next week’s first presidential debate. “Let’s do this—I want all of you to come at me with everything you’ve got: Benghazi, my Iraq War vote, the Keystone XL pipeline, everything,” said Clinton to the circle of aides surrounding her as she began jabbing and thrusting her hands through the air in forceful gesticulations, skillfully dodging rhetorical blows and deflecting a barrage of vicious critiques of her email practices as secretary of state, all while maintaining her poise and balance. “Stop trying to hit me with accusations of flip-flopping on the Trans-Pacific Partnership and hit me, dammit! Don’t hold anything back!” At press time, Clinton had spun completely around on the issue of her financial ties to Wall Street and then shifted herself hard to the right to avoid an aggressive charge of being soft on crime, leaving her completely unscathed while her exhausted aides huffed and puffed in defeat.
Dismembered Nate Silver Found In Dumpster Behind Gallup Headquarters #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the grisly crime scene “deeply disturbing,” Metropolitan Police confirmed Wednesday that the dismembered body of political statistician Nate Silver had been found in a dumpster behind the Gallup organization’s headquarters. “At approximately 4:26 a.m., a member of the building’s cleaning staff discovered the torso and severed limbs of a man in his mid-to-late 30s mixed in with hundreds of pages of blood- and viscera-soaked polling data,” said MPD spokesman Sgt. Brendan Davies, who added that Silver’s decapitated head—identified by his signature black rectangular glasses—had also been found in a bowling bag discarded near the research institution. “The extensive bruising along the mutilated body parts also indicates that he had been beaten prior to his death, possibly by more than one person. If anyone has any leads as to who might have targeted Silver, the founder of FiveThirtyEight and a leading expert on political and economic trends, please contact us immediately.” Police officials told reporters they were still looking into the outline of a bell curve on his chest formed by what appeared to be cigarette burns.
Cooking Class Instructor Can Already Tell Which Couples Signed Up Based On Marriage Counselor’s Recommendation #~# STATESVILLE, NC—Taking note of their audible sighs and the undercurrent of resentment evident in their attempts at cooperation, gourmet cooking class instructor Dana Robertson told reporters Wednesday she could already tell which couples signed up for her French Bistro Basics course based on their marriage counselor’s recommendation. “As soon as they went to their kitchen stations and started working their way through the recipe, you could overhear all the strained ‘I feel’ statements,” said Robertson, before subtly nodding toward a nearby couple who had sniped at each other for several minutes about how to properly blanch the vegetables before the woman took over full control of the process and relegated her partner to solely washing dishes. “A lot of times, it’s the silence that gives them away—all you hear is the sound of one of them chopping carrots a little too aggressively. I’d say it’s usually about half the class on any given night.” Robertson added that she generally prefers the couples suffering marital problems, saying their hushed bickering was much less aggravating than the constant giggling and playful sharing of bites of food between the couples who were deeply in love.
Emmy Ratings Hit Record Low #~# This year’s Primetime Emmy Awards saw their worst viewership ever, falling behind 2015 to its new low of 11.3 million viewers. What do you think?
I’m Single, Grieving My Husband’s Death, And Ready To Mingle #~# It’s not easy dipping your toes back into the dating pool after so many years. The scene today seems so different from the one I remember from my 20s. On one hand, I’m a little nervous, but there’s definitely a part of me that’s excited to dive in with an open heart and an open mind and embrace the prospect of meeting someone I really connect with. So pay attention, boys, because I’m single, grieving my husband’s death, and ready to mingle!
Study: 3% Of Population Owns Half Of Nation’s Guns #~# A new survey found that Americans own 265 million guns, more than one gun for every adult, though half those firearms are owned by only three percent of the population, a group that averages 17 guns each and often as many as 140. What do you think?
A Primer On North Korea #~# The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture:
Report: Feeling Bad Right Now Most Reliable Predictor Of Feeling Bad Forever #~# STANFORD, CA—Saying their findings were consistent across all ages and demographic groups, psychologists at Stanford University released a groundbreaking report this week confirming that feeling bad right now is an extremely accurate predictor of feeling bad forever.
Hate Crimes On The Rise #~# A new report confirms that hate crimes against Muslim and transgender people rose sharply in 2015, a 78 percent increase over 2014, or 260 reported cases. What do you think?
Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home #~# SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, we’re just sitting down for dinner here, but back in Hartford it’s already 9:30,” said Westin, who reportedly added that if they were at the family’s primary residence, they would have eaten their meal and finished washing all the dishes hours ago. “If we weren’t on vacation right now, we’d start getting ready for bed pretty soon. Meanwhile, it’s still nice and sunny here.” At press time, Westin was heard listing off the different grocery stores they had in California compared to Connecticut.
Internet Addiction Linked To Mental Health Issues #~# A recent assessment of college freshmen in Canada found a correlation between internet addiction and conditions such as anxiety, depression, and compulsive behavior. What do you think?
American Public Clarifies Rational, Measured Response To This Terror Threat Doesn’t Preclude Panicked Overreaction In Future #~# NEW YORK—Following the quick identification and arrest of a suspect in this weekend’s series of bombings in New York and New Jersey that injured 29 people, the American public sought to make it clear Monday that their rational, measured response to this act of terrorism did not preclude them from having a panicked overreaction to any future threat. “Sure, we did a pretty good job of staying calm this time around, but that doesn’t mean we won’t fly completely off the handle and descend into a destructive paranoia with the next one,” said Philadelphia resident Derek Kelly, echoing the sentiments of tens of millions of other Americans who stated that they had not ruled out following their levelheaded response to this weekend’s events by blowing the next report of an explosion way out of proportion and letting it affect every aspect of their daily lives. “Just because we didn’t spend the past two days regarding everyone around us with unfounded suspicion, obsessively watching hour after hour of cable news coverage for the latest updates, and fretting on social media about how it’s not safe to live in America anymore, that’s no guarantee the next attack—or even just the possibility of an attack—won’t have us freaking the fuck out and calling for radical changes to our laws. And if the next incident isn’t resolved as rapidly or if it targets some iconic American monument, keep in mind that we’ve got carte blanche to go completely off the deep end.” Kelly added that neither he nor any of the nation’s other 320 million citizens had ruled out retroactively losing their mind over this attack once the alleged bomber’s motivations were made clear.
Islamophobe Disappointed Manhunt Over Before He Even Had Chance To Indiscriminately Vilify All Muslims #~# NEW YORK—Regretting the missed opportunity, local Islamophobe Rob Alderson expressed disappointment Monday when the manhunt for the New York City bombing suspect concluded before he even had a chance to indiscriminately vilify the entire Muslim community. “Shit, now that the suspect’s not at large anymore, I can’t really treat every single Muslim like they’re personally responsible for this,” said Alderson, explaining that it would have been nice to have had at least a day or two in which he could condemn anyone who looked remotely Middle Eastern despite possessing no evidence or facts indicating what they personally believed, where they hailed from, or even if they were Muslim in the first place. “It really is a shame that I didn’t even have time to write a long, rambling Facebook post about how Islam breeds hate. If the suspect had been on the lam just a little while longer, I could’ve had a field day directing my hatred at the whole global population of Muslims. Oh well.” Alderson added that, on second thought, he might as well just go ahead and blindly demonize every Muslim after the fact anyway.
I Just Wish NFL Players Could Find A Way To Protest Without Starting A National Dialogue #~# Like so many Americans, I was shocked and disgusted when I first saw San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick sitting down for the playing of our national anthem as a protest against social injustice. In the weeks since, it seems like every time I turn on my TV to watch football, there are more and more NFL players sitting, kneeling, or raising their fists during “The Star-Spangled Banner.” And while I certainly respect the right of these players to protest, I just wish they could find a different way to do so that doesn’t start any kind of national dialogue.
Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat #~# WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat. “I heard that’s where old man Scalia used to sit until he keeled over dead!” said local resident Randy Wilcox, 14, after grabbing several stones off the ground and whipping them at the derelict chair, whose rotting wood had begun to warp and whose leather surfaces had cracked and grown discolored with time. “My older brother told me that no one can sit there ever again because it’s cursed. He said everyone who’s tried has disappeared without a trace. I dare one of you to go up there and touch it. Come on, don’t be a wuss!” According to sources, the youngsters frantically hopped onto their bikes and pedaled away in terror when Clarence Thomas ran out with a gavel and told them to beat it or he’d call the cops.
Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz #~# After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
Nearly Extinct Bird Found To Use Tools #~# The New Caledonian crow, now extinct in the wild, has been observed in captivity foraging sticks with which to extract food from narrow crevices, sophisticated tool use on par with that of the great apes. What do you think?
Handmade Banner That Football Team Runs Through Before Game The Closest High School Comes To Supporting Arts #~# PINE BLUFF, AK—Featuring a consistent budget and students regularly encouraged to take part in its construction, a 6-foot-by-12-foot handmade banner that the Pine Bluff High School football team runs through before every game represents the closest thing the school comes to supporting the arts, sources confirmed Friday. The banner, which is held up by several cheerleaders before players tear it in half while sprinting onto the field, is reportedly the most routinely supported school-sponsored outlet for students interested in exploring the arts and expressing themselves creatively. Those familiar with the situation confirmed that an $85 weekly allocation for poster paper, colored markers, acrylic paint, and glitter glue consists of the most resources Pine Bluff pours into the visual arts, music, theater, creative writing, or dance, while the cheerleading coach’s supervision of the banner’s design accounts for the most time anyone employed by the district spends on cultivating the artistic talents of its students. The banner’s hand-drawn ram mascot and carefully lettered rallying cry of “Cage The Lions!” in reference to the team’s opponent is also said to have received the greatest amount of attention from administrators and the local community of any recent student-made artistic endeavor. At press time, sources confirmed that school officials ensuring the banner paper can be easily ripped is also the highest level of concern they ever show for the football players’ safety.
Poll: Majority Of Americans Still Remember Where They Were When Gandalf Fell Into Abyss #~# WASHINGTON—Stating that the extremely traumatic nature of the event appeared to have left many respondents with unusually strong and vivid memories, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday revealing that most Americans can still recall exactly where they were when Gandalf the Grey fell into the abyss at the Mines of Moria. “I distinctly remember my dad and I sitting in front of the living room TV as we watched Gandalf fall—I remember just staring in total shock,” said Peter Lee of Anaheim, CA, one of the 1,500 individuals surveyed for the poll, which found that many Americans possessed near-photographic memories of their precise location, who they were with, as well as the emotions experienced upon seeing Balrog wrap his fiery whip around Gandalf’s legs. “We couldn’t believe it was actually happening. That moment is seared into my brain. I’ll never forget watching Gandalf tumble down and say ‘Fly, you fools’ just before plummeting into the darkness. Things were never really the same again after that.” The poll also showed that many Americans later struggled to broach the subject of Gandalf falling into the bottomless pit with their young children.
Trump Admits Obama Born In U.S. #~# In an attempt to bolster Trump’s campaign and pivot from the birtherism that once defined his political career, aides for the candidate say Trump no longer believes Obama was born outside the United States. What do you think?
Man Feeling Pressure To Live Up To Conversation Between Barber And Customer In Next Chair #~# ALTAMONTE SPRINGS, FL—Growing increasingly tense as he listened to the jovial back-and-forth exchange on his immediate right, local barbershop patron Dan Wilkes reportedly felt immense pressure Friday to live up to the conversation occurring between the stylist and the customer at the next chair. “Ugh, I haven’t said a word since my barber asked me how my day was going, and those two are over there chatting like old friends about places they’ve traveled to,” Wilkes reportedly thought to himself, becoming more uneasy as the two men moved effortlessly from topic to topic, at one point feeling a sharp, paralyzing pang of inadequacy course through him as the adjacent customer made a joke about movie reboots that caused Wilkes’ own barber to laugh along. “Oh great, now they’re talking about baseball. Maybe my barber’s into that? Shit, he’s already taking out the electric trimmer—I’m running out of time to turn things around.” Sources confirmed that after a terse question and answer about how long the man had been working at the shop, Wilkes spent the rest of the haircut in total silence.
Most Ignored Issues Of This Election Cycle #~# This message is approved by Webster Bilder and endorsed by Wix.com. Learn more about Webster Bilder’s agenda on websterbilder.com
Death Row Inmate Saving Some Of Last Meal For Between Execution Attempts #~# MCALESTER, OK—Saying he knew he would just get hungry again later, Oklahoma State Penitentiary death row inmate Harris Boland told reporters Friday he was saving some of his last meal for between execution attempts. “I’m going to eat the lobster tails first while they’re still nice and hot, but they’ll probably be pretty filling, so I’m going to set aside most of the mashed potatoes and gravy till after the second or third attempt when I’ll probably want a little something to snack on,” said Boland, adding that he wasn’t even planning to touch the fried shrimp or garlic bread until several efforts to end his life by lethal injection had passed, figuring he would have some time to really dig into them while prison officials tried to determine why the experimental drug cocktail they gave him wasn’t working. “Once they see I’m clearly still conscious and writhing in pain and then frantically work to stabilize me, I bet that chocolate cake will taste really good. Gosh, it’s making my mouth water just thinking about it. But I’ve got to have some willpower and not touch it when my meal comes, ’cause I know it’ll be so much more satisfying if I wait.” At press time, Boland had decided to bring a bowl of olives with him into the execution chamber, saying it would be nice to have something to nibble on while technicians struggle futilely to locate a suitable vein through which to administer the chemicals.
Hollywood Refusing To Give Public Any New Movies Until It Can Appreciate Ones It Already Has #~# LOS ANGELES—In a joint statement confirming that all production would cease immediately, representatives from every Hollywood film studio announced Friday that audiences would not be given any new movies to watch until they had learned to appreciate the ones they already have.
Benefits Of Running A Clean Campaign #~# Keep it Clean in ’16. The Maytag No Smear Plug-In helps block negative political jibber-jabber from your social feeds. Download it now and let freedom ring. http://www.maytag.com/nosmear
Hackers Leak More Political Data #~# The hackers behind the recent DNC breach have released 670 more megabytes of information about the Democratic party, a leak some suspect is Russia’s attempt to influence the outcome of the election. What do you think?
Backstory Probably Explains Why Sports Bar Has Orioles, Lakers, Bears Flags #~# HOUSTON—Confused by the seemingly unrelated collection of team decor throughout the establishment, patrons of Miller’s Ale House speculated Thursday that a backstory probably exists to explain the Baltimore Orioles, Los Angeles Lakers, and Chicago Bears flags hanging outside the sports bar. “Well, maybe the owner was originally from Baltimore and grew up watching the Orioles, and if his parents were from Chicago, he might have become a Bears fan because of them,” said 29-year-old Frank Hartwell, adding that some logical, yet-to-be-determined reason must account for a signed and framed Kobe Bryant jersey hanging next to a Chicago Tribune front page celebrating the Bears’ 1985 Super Bowl win inside a Houston bar. “I guess there could be multiple owners, and if one of them is from L.A., but doesn’t like baseball, that’d be why there isn’t any Dodgers or Angels stuff. There’s also this one University of Tennessee Vols pennant at the back of the bar, and I have no idea what that’s about. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for all this.” At press time, the clientele had given up trying to figure out the bar’s backstory after noticing multiple signed photos of former Toronto Blue Jays pitcher Dave Stieb hanging outside the bathrooms.
U.S. To Boost Refugee Admittance In 2017 #~# The Obama administration has announced plans to increase the number of refugees admitted into the U.S. from 85,000 to 110,000 starting in the fiscal year 2017. What do you think?
Disillusioned Hacker Starting To Feel Like He Has No Impact On American Presidential Election #~# MOSCOW—Admitting he had become disenchanted with the entire process, 21-year-old Russian hacker Misha Yurasov told reporters Thursday he was starting to feel like he has no impact whatsoever on the U.S. presidential election. “I try to keep involved in politics, but I just don’t know if my hacking into the accounts of major American political figures is going to make any difference one way or another,” said Yurasov, who noted that he was just one hacker among a sea of others and that the election results would probably be the same no matter what he did. “In the end, whether I hack into the DNC or release Donald Trump’s tax returns, it isn’t going to change the outcome of the general election. I’m really just wasting my time trying to stay informed on all the network security vulnerabilities of the Democratic and Republican campaigns—it’s probably not even worth it.” Yurasov added that the only way to have any real influence in the U.S. presidential race would likely be to hack into a major American financial institution.
Who Is Gary Johnson? #~# Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson:
The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars #~# The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars:
Man Just Waiting Tables Until Fundamental Structure Of U.S. Economy Changes #~# HAMPTON, VA—Explaining that his current employment situation is intended merely as a stopgap, local man Simon Goldinger, 23, confirmed Thursday that he only plans to wait tables until the fundamental structure of the American economy undergoes a complete overhaul.
Pastor Going On Little Spiel About Seeing How In Love Couple Are Despite Not Knowing Them For Very Long #~# SKOKIE, IL—Describing how the affection between the pair was apparent the moment he met them, Father Gregory McNeil is said to have delivered a whole little spiel Saturday about how truly in love local couple Colin Brayer and Allison Trudeau are despite him not knowing them for very long. “I’ve only had the pleasure of knowing the bride and groom for a short while, but in our time together it has become abundantly clear that they are meant for each other,” said the local Episcopalian priest, who has reportedly spent a cumulative total of 55 minutes in the couple’s company on three brief occasions, including the wedding ceremony itself at which he was officiating. “Just seeing how Allison and Colin look into one another’s eyes or the way they tenderly interacted with each other during yesterday’s rehearsal, there’s no question that they are prepared to embark upon this remarkable journey together. It’s easy to see that their bond is a special and lasting one.” According to reports, the pastor then said he could tell the couple was surrounded by loving friends and family members who would always be there to offer their support throughout the marriage despite not knowing a single thing about any one of them and having never before seen them until that very moment.
Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work #~# SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work. “This shit better soothe the fuck out of me and quick,” said McCartin, adding that the box of Hungarian chamomile blossom and lemon myrtle tea was making some pretty lofty promises with its soft light-blue hues and lotus flowers plastered all over the place, so it sure as shit needed to step the fuck up and put his mind at ease. “I need to start feeling utterly blissful and placid as hell. I want all my cares melted away fucking yesterday. If I’m not fully at peace by the time I finish sipping this cup, I’m going to be so goddamn pissed.” At press time, a scowling McCartin was steeping a second teabag in his mug in an effort to get the feelings of serenity and quietude to hurry the fuck up.
Parents Giving Children Wrong Medicine Dosages #~# A new study found that 4 out of 5 parents make measuring errors with dosing cups when giving liquid medicine to their child, sometimes administering half or double the appropriate dosage. What do you think?
Wound-Up Tim Kaine Running Around Clinton Campaign Headquarters In Pajamas #~# NEW YORK—Evading staff members and giggling uncontrollably while darting between cubicles, a wound-up Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Kaine was reportedly running around Clinton campaign headquarters Wednesday night in his favorite pair of footie pajamas. “When Tim gets all crazy like this, you just have to let him wear himself out; he was riding around on the campaign bus all day, so he’s got a lot of excess energy to burn,” said campaign manager Robby Mook while the Virginia senator jumped up and down on a nearby couch chanting “Hill-a-ry, Hill-a-ry” and asking volunteers if they wanted to hear him count to 10 in Spanish. “He’s just a little overstimulated with all the excitement of the campaign, and it’s possible that someone didn’t see the sign on the fridge and let him have some grape juice after 7 p.m., but I’m sure he’ll zonk out soon.” At press time, sources confirmed that an aide was gingerly carrying a sleeping Kaine to bed.
Family At Beach Apparently Brought, Set Up Own Volleyball Net #~# EAST ORLEANS, MA—Noting that they evidently found it to be a worthwhile and necessary item to take with them, reports confirmed Wednesday that a family at Nauset Beach brought and set up their own volleyball net. “It looks like these people were willing to pack up this big cardboard box of metal poles, lug it all the way from where they parked, and then walk all the way down the beach to find a spot large enough to fit an entire court,” said local beachgoer Josh Ramsey, adding that the family spent roughly 30 minutes unfurling the tangled net, assembling the poles, and anchoring support ropes into the sand. “There are only five of them, so they probably could have had just as much fun hitting a volleyball around while standing in a circle. Besides, who buys a volleyball net? Do they really play volleyball enough to need their own net?” At press time, the family had played volleyball for roughly 20 minutes before abandoning the game entirely and heading into the water.
Children Sue Obama Over Climate Change Inaction #~# A group of 21 plaintiffs as young as 9 are suing President Obama for his purported failure to address climate change, which they say has denied them their constitutional right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. What do you think?
Parents Into New Snack Now #~# BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now. “As soon as I got there, they said I must be hungry after my trip, and they brought out a bowl of these puffed-up things that look like pea pods—I had no idea what they were,” said Randall, who noted that after he questioned what the snack was, his mother eagerly explained how the couple recently discovered it while shopping at Aldi and then offered extended praise of the snack’s healthiness as well as its “really nice flavor.” “They both seem to love the things. Dad had a bag of them sitting on his work desk next to his computer, and Mom apparently takes a Ziploc baggie with her in her purse when she has to run errands. And when I was leaving, they insisted I take a bag back with me, so I’ve got some now. They’re okay.” Randall added that his parents explained they had entirely stopped eating the naan chips they were into last year because they were “too oily.”
Newly Redesigned HillaryClinton.com Allows Users To Fully Customize Issues Page To Suit Own Preferences #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Saying the new interface will help voters learn more about the candidate and her platform, campaign sources confirmed Wednesday that HillaryClinton.com, the official website of the Democratic presidential nominee, is now fully customizable, allowing visitors to change Clinton’s stance on any given issue so that it reflects their own political beliefs.
Rustic Italian Village Just Killing Time Between Wedding Feasts #~# MATERA, ITALY—Explaining that there really isn’t much else to do in the sleepy hillside community, residents of the rustic Italian village of Matera told reporters Wednesday they’re currently just killing time between lavish wedding feasts. “Of course we’d all love to be seated at a long wooden table with the bride and groom in the center, sharing dozens of bottles of red wine, and joyfully cheering as a roasted pig arrives, but you just can’t have that every day—so right now we’re pretty much just sitting around staring at the clock,” said local farmer Giannozzo Lombardo, 67, adding that he had nothing to do but twiddle his thumbs until the butcher’s son from the next town over finally proposed to the Marchetti girl, providing the opportunity for him and his fellow villagers to once again merrily dance the tarantella to the melodies of traditional folk musicians while small children chase chickens across the town’s piazza. “To be honest, for the past three weeks we’ve just been bumming around all day long waiting for the next chance to festively parade through the cobblestone streets as all of the village’s church bells chime. Sure, it’s always an incredible weekend when we all toast the newlyweds and break into song together, but then it goes right back to being fairly dead around here as soon as we bestow our coins and gifts on the couple and then gather in the road to wave goodbye as they leave for their honeymoon in a donkey cart.” Lombardo added that he was thinking of asking for the old Pavesi widow’s hand in marriage just to get things rolling again.
Sugar Industry Shaped Public Opinion For Decades #~# A damning exposé has been published detailing the sugar industry’s efforts in the 1960s to conceal sugar’s role in coronary heart disease while diverting attention to the dangers of fat instead. What do you think?
How Animals Go Extinct #~# With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct:
How To Name Your Fantasy Football Team #~# Brought to you by Speed Stick
I’m Tired Of These Punks Coming Through My Neighborhood Blasting Their Late-1990s, Ghettotech, DJ Godfather–Inflected Hip-Hop #~# Boy oh boy, I tell you, I’ve had just about enough of all this noise. That same infernal racket every night, with the boom-boom-boom and the bam-bam-bam. I don’t get upset by much, but this has got to stop. I’ve had it up to here with these punks driving down my street blasting their late-’90s, ghettotech, DJ Godfather–inflected hip-hop.
DNA Testing Might Be Phased Out #~# Currently the default means of investigating evidence found at crime scenes, DNA profiling might soon be replaced with the more efficient and reliable method of testing proteins found in hair samples. What do you think?
Wistful Kim Jong-Un Stumbles Onto Childhood Drawings He Made Of Nuclear Attacks On West #~# PYONGYANG—Experiencing a deep sense of nostalgia while sifting through the stack of old papers, North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un reportedly stumbled onto childhood drawings Monday that he had made of nuclear attacks on the West. “Gosh, time really flies, but I can still clearly remember drawing these pictures of an all-out nuclear strike on the West when I was in kindergarten,” said the wistful Kim, chuckling at the crudely rendered crayon depiction of several nuclear missiles flying toward what appeared to be the landmass of North America. “These nukes are about half the size of the United States, and there’s definitely not enough mushroom clouds. I used to entertain myself for hours by drawing bombs destroying American cities. Aw, I love this one where all the little stick-figure people are screaming.” At press time, North Korea’s state-run media was circulating the childhood drawings as proof of their Dear Leader’s prescience.
Pneumonia Virus Terrified After Remembering What Clintons Capable Of #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing regret over its reckless decision to infect the Democratic presidential nominee, the virus causing Hillary Clinton’s pneumonia was reportedly terrified Monday after remembering what the Clintons were capable of. “Oh shit, what the hell was I thinking—you don’t get on the wrong side of these people,” said the infectious agent, which became increasingly worried while recalling just how far the Clintons were willing to go to get what they wanted, as well as what often happened to those who dared to cross the powerful politicians. “Everybody knows you never mess with the Clintons. These people won’t hesitate to absolutely crush you, and they have the money and connections to do it. I knew I should’ve just stayed clear. I’m so fucked.” At press time, the horrified virus was reportedly planning to avoid the Clintons’ wrath by taking its own life.
Clinton Diagnosed With Pneumonia #~# After cameras filmed her stumbling at a 9/11 memorial on Sunday, aides have confirmed Hillary Clinton is being treated for pneumonia and has canceled a string of upcoming fundraisers and TV appearances, leading critics to question her overall health and fitness to lead. What do you think?
God Rewinds Time To Watch Man Fall Off Trampoline Again #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying He just had to see the guy faceplant one more time, the Lord our God, Almighty Creator of the Universe, reportedly rewound time Monday to watch an Indiana man fall off a trampoline again. “Look, look, look—you can see right when his foot goes through the hole between the springs and his face is just like ‘Oh shit,’” said God, who reportedly reversed the temporal flow of all existence six times in a row to watch the man “just completely eat it,” at one point pausing time entirely to laugh at the 25-year-old suspended upside down in the air after he had bounced off the trampoline’s metal frame and just a split second before his face slammed into the ground. “That sound he lets out afterwards is amazing—it’s not even a scream; it’s like a squeal. Oh man, that had to hurt like a motherfucker. Fucking idiot.” At press time, the Lord had reportedly rewound time once again and then restarted it in slow motion, shouting for a few nearby angels to come over and “check this shit out.”
Airbnb Unveils New Anti-Discrimination Policy #~# In response to widespread complaints that hosts tend to favor white users’ lodging requests, booking website Airbnb unveiled a new anti-discrimination policy that aims to keep hosts from selecting guests based on race. What do you think?
Nation Just Goes Ahead And Decides ‘Freedom Prevails Over Hate’ Is Lesson Of 9/11 #~# WASHINGTON—Acknowledging they had been going back and forth on possible options for much of the past 15 years and that none really seemed to fit, citizens across the country confirmed Sunday they had decided to just go ahead and declare that “freedom prevails over hate” was the enduring lesson of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. “This issue comes up every anniversary, and everyone felt like we just needed to settle it once and for all, so we all agreed that 9/11 taught us that freedom will always conquer fear and hate,” said Canton, OH resident Matthew Boyd, 37, echoing the feelings of all 320 million Americans who, from this point forward, will reflect on the worst terrorist strike on U.S. soil by simply recalling the short phrase and leaving it at that. “We also considered ‘terrorism never wins’ or ‘freedom has a price’ as the lesson of September 11, but we’re just going with this one. It’s not perfect—I know some people are going to bring up how we lost some freedoms after the attacks and how there may be more hate now than before, but the bottom line is that all the other potential lessons had their own issues. This one works fine, and we want to just pick one and stick with it. So this is what it is now, and that’s that.” At press time, the nation was reportedly still sifting through the thousands of lessons learned from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Pope Francis Hosts Feathered Serpent God As Part Of Deity Exchange Program #~# VATICAN CITY—In an effort to strengthen their relationship and foster interfaith dialogue, Pope Francis reportedly welcomed the winged Mayan snake god Kukulkan to the Vatican this week as part of a month-long deity exchange program. “We are excited to have the War Serpent staying here with us for the next four weeks, during which time he’ll be exposed to the rituals and customs of the Catholic Church, so that when he returns home he can share the experience with his adherents in Chichén Itzá and the surrounding Yucután communities,” said Vatican spokesperson Greg Burke, noting that the pontiff had taken Kukulkan out for pizza on the first night of the exchange before showing him around some of Rome’s most famous landmarks. “Once Kukulkan gets settled in, the pope plans to let him answer some basic prayers on his own, as well as try performing a transubstantiation or two. And perhaps toward the end of his stay, if he’s feeling up to it, Kukulkan can treat us all to an authentic human sacrifice.” Vatican sources confirmed that as part of the exchange, God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, would be spending the next month with the Taoist thunder god Lei Gong in the cloud kingdom over Tibet.
‘The Case, Mr. Kerry, Give Me The Case,’ Demands Malaysian Ambassador Holding Dangling John Kerry From Petronas Towers Skybridge #~# KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA—Telling the U.S. secretary of state this was his final chance to hand over the briefcase he had been pursuing for months, Malaysian ambassador Dato’ Seri Halim Wan Salleh reportedly promised John Kerry he would spare his life in return for the item Friday as he held the dangling American statesman over the side of the Petronas Towers Skybridge. “Give me what I want, Mr. Kerry, or it all ends now,” Halim reportedly shouted over the roar of the wind rushing between the two towers as Kerry, tightly gripping onto the foreign diplomat’s hand, swayed back and forth 41 floors above the bustling city below. “Toss me the case—it’s the only way to save yourself. It’s a long ride down, Mr. Secretary, wouldn’t you agree?” Sources confirmed that after a fraught moment of contemplation, Kerry, unwilling to let the precious briefcase out of his possession, released his grip on the ambassador’s hand and began hurtling toward the earth.
Wells Fargo Fined For Opening 2 Million Fake Accounts #~# Wells Fargo was fined $100 million and has fired 5,300 employees after the bank was discovered to have opened millions of accounts using customers’ identities and funds without consent, a practice intended to boost sales numbers. What do you think?
Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project #~# DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed. “Jeez, the garage is just so full of clutter you can barely walk around in there—that’s going to be my next project,” said Westin, issuing the proclamation to all within earshot in the kitchen and adjoining dining area, before vowing to set aside a whole weekend to bring the same order and tidiness to the garage that she had previously brought to the basement and, most recently, the front hall closet. “I’m going to go through all those old boxes that have probably been there since we moved in and make a pile of all the sports equipment we don’t need anymore and give it to Goodwill. It really is one big mess in there. It took me a half hour to find my garden shears last week, and I don’t even know where the old blue cooler went. There’s probably things in there we forgot we had.” At press time, the family’s father, Don Westin, released a statement pushing back the initiation of his shed cleanout project by another three weeks.
Giant Panda No Longer Endangered Species #~# Due to a 17 percent rise in population across the last decade, the giant panda has been downgraded from “endangered” to “vulnerable” by the International Union for the Conservation of Nature. What do you think?
Back-To-School Shopping Necessities #~# Brought to you by NBC Superstore
Liking Bitter Flavors Linked To Psychopathy #~# Researchers have found that those who crave bitter flavor profiles such as gin, coffee, and citrus fruits are more likely to exhibit “malevolent” personality traits and a tendency toward psychopathy, narcissism, and sadism. What do you think?
50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’ #~# Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history:
Matt Damon Mans Warner Brothers Booth At College Campus’s Career Day #~# PORTLAND, OR—Encouraging passing students to stop for a moment and chat about the great opportunities available at the company, Matt Damon reportedly manned the Warner Brothers booth Thursday at Portland State University’s campus career day. “Warner Brothers is the perfect place to work if you’re interested in acting, directing, producing, sound mixing, or all sorts of other career paths—really, there are so many great things you can do here,” said Damon, who attempted to gain the attention of the career fair attendees by inviting them over to try to win a Warner Brothers T-shirt or Frisbee by spinning a prize wheel set up at the booth, at which point he would begin telling them about the film studio’s competitive salaries and benefits package. “My day-to-day work is really exciting. Plus, it’s a big company with lots of great perks for its employees, and you get to be really creative while working alongside lots of interesting people. Feel free to take a brochure and think it over.” At press time, Damon was seen handing his business card out to several interested students and telling them they could contact him anytime if they had any questions about Warner Brothers.
Parents Trying To Gauge If Son Complete Idiot Before Deciding Whether To Move To Better School District #~# AUSTIN, TX—Saying they’ve been keeping a close eye on their 4-year-old’s skill at memory games, the breadth of his vocabulary, and his overall behavior, local parents Greg and Lisa Weiss told reporters Thursday they’re trying to gauge if their son is a complete idiot before deciding whether to move to a better school district. “We don’t want to make any rash moves right away, so we’re going to wait to see if Ethan’s too stupid to actually benefit from better educational resources and a higher teacher-to-student ratio before we start looking at pricier real estate over in Briarcliff or Lakeway,” said Lisa Weiss, who added that she and her husband don’t want to go through the hassle of selling their current house, moving into a smaller and more heavily taxed property, and building an entirely new network of friends in a town they’re not familiar with if their boy is just going to end up being a simple-minded dolt anyway. “It’s not that we don’t want the best for him, we just don’t know if he’s going to be helplessly dumb, in which case his current school district is totally fine. It’s just really hard to tell right now if he’s a moron or not—he definitely likes story time and is curious about how things work, which is encouraging, but he also sucks on his shirtsleeve all the time. So we’re going to give it a few more months and make a decision then.” Weiss emphasized that while they deeply hoped their son turned out smart, they wouldn’t mind staying in their affordable neighborhood and pocketing the extra disposable income should their son prove to be a huge dingus.
Gluten-Free Diets Soaring In Popularity #~# A recent survey showed that the number of people opting for gluten-free diets has tripled since 2009, despite no change in the number of people diagnosed with actual celiac disease or gluten intolerance. What do you think?
Fox News Settles With Carlson Over Harassment Claims #~# Fox News has settled with Gretchen Carlson in her sexual harassment lawsuit against former news chief Roger Ailes, agreeing upon a $20 million settlement, though this is only half the $40 million severance package paid to Ailes. What do you think?
Features Of The New iPhone 7 #~# Apple unveiled the iPhone 7 at a press event Wednesday. Here are some of the smartphone’s new features:
Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle #~# CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle. “To be honest, when I first saw that poor kid out there, I didn’t think he had much of a chance,” said bystander Tori O’Dell, explaining how she held her breath and said a prayer as paramedics worked to extricate the 12-year-old Chesapeake Pee Wee Tigers player from the team while he was still lucid and before he began engaging in a full-contact scrimmage. “It’s terrible to think that a kid that young with so much life ahead of him could have ended up in such an unsafe and potentially deadly position in the first place. But thankfully, the EMTs arrived right in the nick of time—if they had showed up just a few seconds later, it probably would have been completely hopeless.” O’Dell then reportedly began to tear up as she thought of all the children who weren’t lucky enough to be rescued in time and had their fates tragically sealed.
Salary Question In Job Interviews Could Become Illegal #~# Congress will soon hear a bill that seeks to prohibit interviewers from asking job applicants about their current salary, a line of questioning that, according to supporters of the bill, disadvantages non-white, non-male applicants during salary negotiations. What do you think?
Congressman Excited To Be Working On Bill With Intern He Has Huge Crush On #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he got butterflies in his stomach the minute he learned they’d both be involved in drafting the legislation, congressman Jerry Bremner (R-NC) told reporters Tuesday he was excited to be working on a bill with an intern he has a huge crush on. “I’ve liked her for a long time, but I just haven’t had a good excuse to strike up a conversation, so working together on this project will be perfect,” said Bremner of the 21-year-old University of Michigan junior, adding that to this point, he had only awkwardly mumbled hello the handful of times he had bumped into her around the Capitol Building. “I should make sure I do a bunch of research so it’s clear I know my stuff. I’ll never forgive myself if I look stupid in front of her.” Sources later confirmed that Bremner was mentally berating himself after their first meeting for coming across like a total weirdo.
Philippine President Insults Obama #~# President Obama has canceled diplomatic talks with Philippine president Rodrigo Duterte after being called a “son of a whore” in response to Obama’s plan to discuss the Philippines’ extrajudicial killings of drug dealers, an insult that Duterte has also used against Pope Francis in the past. What do you think?
Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts. “Unfortunately, late Monday evening, a major failure in our news feed program allowed a significant number of users to come into contact with concepts unfamiliar to them,” said CEO Mark Zuckerberg, appearing contrite as he emphasized to reporters that the issue had been resolved and that it was now safe to visit the social media site again without fear of encountering any opinions, notions, or perspectives not aligning with one’s existing worldview. “To those who were forced to read a headline they did not agree with when they visited Facebook yesterday, we are deeply sorry. It’s an inexcusable failing on our part if your viewpoints were not reinforced by what you saw onscreen. I want all Facebook users to know that you’ll never again encounter any ideas on our site that are in any way novel or ideologically challenging to you—that’s my personal promise.” Zuckerberg then concluded the press conference by thanking users for their support, assuring them that a news article confirming their own individual political and personal biases would be directed to their news feeds with more information on Facebook’s policy.
Retired Security Guard Pens Open Letter To Colin Kaepernick About National Anthem #~# BOZEMAN, MT­—Describing the San Francisco 49ers quarterback’s controversial decision to sit during the national anthem in protest against systemic racism as “shameful” and “a disgrace to our nation,” retired security guard Rick Arnold, 63, reportedly penned a critical open letter to Colin Kaepernick in the opinion section of his local newspaper Tuesday. “Dear Colin, I understand why you are doing this and that it is your right to protest. However, I know a thing or two about sacrifice, and your actions are misguided and disrespectful to all the Americans who have put themselves in harm’s way to keep this country safe,” wrote the one-time security officer tasked with monitoring the entrance of a commercial building and checking in new visitors, adding that sitting during the national anthem was an insult to all those he worked alongside who proudly served every day protecting the Pinnacle Industries office park. “I realize that this country certainly isn’t perfect, but a millionaire athlete making a fuss on the field won’t solve those problems. Publicly showing contempt for the American flag is a slap in the face to all the people who selflessly defend you and your rights. Think of the dangers people face every day on your behalf­—I’d be happy to tell you all about them if you need a refresher.” The letter concluded by urging Kaepernick to apologize or Arnold would boycott the NFL this season.
USDA Admits Weight Loss Not Possible For People Who Don’t Like Salmon #~# WASHINGTON—Stating that any attempt to slim down without it would be wholly ineffective, representatives from the USDA’s Food and Nutrition Service admitted at a press conference Tuesday that weight loss is just not possible for people who don’t like salmon. “For anyone looking to get down to a healthy body weight, there is simply no viable option aside from making salmon a major part of your diet, so you’d better enjoy it,” said spokesperson Marcia Donner, who explained that it is not enough to simply tolerate eating the fish, as any successful program to trim one’s waistline requires consuming salmon with such regularity that the dieter has to really love the experience of eating it. “Unfortunately, if you don’t like salmon, no amount of exercise is going to counteract this fact and allow you to lose weight. And don’t think you can make any substitutes like tuna or grilled chicken breast; that’s not going to work either. If you can’t eat salmon for pretty much every meal, you might as well quit now and embrace the size of your body the way it is.” Donner added that dieters who also don’t like almonds should be prepared to gain another 25 pounds.
School Psychologist Crushing It In Wake Of Fatal Sports Injury #~# SLATON, TX—Comforting grieving teammates and students left and right, Byron Meadows High School psychologist Mark Caldwell was said to be absolutely crushing it this week in the wake of a fatal varsity football injury. “Mark is on fire right now—he’s already met one-on-one with all of [junior wide receiver] Brett Regan’s closest friends and even stopped in the hallway this morning to console a sophomore who was crying,” said ninth-grade history teacher Lynn Jackson, who added that while Caldwell brought his emotional support A-game when word got out that the student was placed on life support, he then cranked it up to a whole new level as soon as Regan was pronounced dead. “He’s just been going balls to the wall providing solace to the entire BMHS community. We’re talking an open-door policy in his office throughout the school day, therapy sessions with each member of the coaching staff, organized moments of silence during both lunch periods—and all that before he absolutely teed off on last night’s candlelight vigil.” Jackson added that if Caldwell’s grief counseling efforts weren’t badass enough, he “completely went off” during Tuesday’s schoolwide assembly by addressing the fuck out of bereavement and loss.
Abortion: Myth Vs. Fact #~# As more and more cases of abortion restriction make their way to higher courts, pro-life and pro-choice defenders continue their longstanding battle on the national stage. The Onion reviews some common myths about the practice
Georgetown Gives Slight Advantage To Descendants Of Slaves #~# Georgetown University admissions will begin slightly favoring prospective students descended from some 280 slaves sold by Jesuit priests in the 1830s to pay off the university’s debts and keep the school open. What do you think?
New High-Tech Fabric Cools The Body #~# Scientists at Stanford have developed a nanoporous polyethylene fabric that scatters wavelengths of light, blocking the sun’s rays to cool down the wearer by as much as three degrees, a development that could reduce global dependency on air conditioning. What do you think?
Pope Francis Crushes Small Demon Crawling Across Papal Apartment Floor #~# VATICAN CITY—Saying the wicked little creature had probably crept out of some crack that led to Hell, Pope Francis reportedly crushed a small demon beneath his shoe Friday as it crawled across his papal apartment floor. “Got that little fucker,” said the pontiff, who repeatedly stomped on the infernal being until all of the hellish beast’s six legs stopped twitching. “This has got to be the fourth or fifth one this week. If you see one demon, you know there must be a whole den of them around here somewhere. Shit, I shouldn’t have left out those Eucharist.” At press time, Pope Francis was reportedly applying holy water to relieve the itching from the numerous demon bites he had received from the evil spirit during the night.
Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44 #~# PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.
Apartment Broker Recommends Brooklyn Residents Spend No More Than 150% Of Income On Rent #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Urging apartment hunters to keep their search within reasonable bounds and avoid excessively high leases, real estate broker Katherine Rivera recommend Friday that Brooklyn residents spend no more than 150 percent of their income on rent. “When you’re looking for a new place in Brooklyn, limiting yourself to a budget of one and a half times your monthly pay is always a good rule of thumb,” said Rivera, who noted that residents willing to live with multiple roommates or in a less desirable neighborhood might be able to allocate as little as 125 percent of their income to rent. “Anywhere from 140 percent to 175 percent of your paycheck is considered a healthy range to set aside for housing in Brooklyn. Some people can stretch it to double or even triple their salary, but we don’t suggest going that high, because spending more than 150 percent of your total earnings on an apartment can really impact the rest of your budget.” Rivera added that Brooklyn residents could help save extra money for rent by holding themselves to a strict spending limit of $4,500 when they go out on weekends.
New Study Finds Unplanned Pregnancies Continuing To Decline In Bruce Springsteen Lyrics #~# RESTON, VA—Confirming the statistic had reached its lowest level since annual measurements began in 1973, a study released Friday by the National Association for Music Education found that unplanned pregnancies continued their decades-long decline in Bruce Springsteen lyrics. “We discovered that after a steady rise throughout the 1970s and a peak in 1980, there has been a sharp decline in the number of young Americans who’ve had their lives turned upside down by an unwanted pregnancy in Bruce Springsteen songs,” said study director Carl Larson, who noted that the cause of the long-term trend remains a mystery, as the living conditions and economic opportunities in the gritty, blue-collar cities of the songwriter’s work have not markedly improved over the same span. “While we have seen an encouraging downturn in teen motherhood since the ’80s, not all indicators from Springsteen’s catalog are positive. We also found that over a 15-year, six-album span, there has been an alarming threefold jump in gun violence verses.” Larson warned that unplanned pregnancies could rise at any moment should a remastered version of The River be released.
Hurricane Concerned It Caught Something In Panama City, Florida #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying its eyewall had swollen up in a “pretty ugly way” in the time since it left the popular spring break and party destination, Hurricane Hermine expressed concern Friday that it had caught something while in Panama City. “Oh God, I definitely picked up something nasty there, because now it stings really bad every time I rain,” the Category 1 hurricane told reporters, adding that it was also concerned about the runny 87-mile-per-hour discharge it recently noticed coming from its clouds. “I’ll admit things got pretty wild last night, and there was that period that was a total blackout, but Jesus, now my convection currents are all enflamed. Ugh, I thought it would be fun to go a little crazy in Panama City; I really should have known better than to spend the night there.” At press time, a deeply embarrassed Hermine was circling back to inform all the communities it had had direct contact with since its stay in Panama City.
New STEM Initiative Just Tries To Dissuade Students In Other Countries From Pursuing Science Careers #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to improve America’s ranking in the global technology sector, the U.S. Department of Education unveiled a new STEM initiative Friday designed to discourage students in other countries from choosing careers in science and math.
10,000 Employees Accuse Chipotle Of Wage Theft #~# A class-action lawsuit has been undertaken by 10,000 former and current Chipotle employees claiming they were made to work extra hours off the clock for which they were not paid, though Chipotle has denied the allegations. What do you think?
Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott #~# Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?
God Announces Successful Test Of First Category 7 Hurricane #~# THE HEAVENS—Calling the powerful tropical cyclone one of His greatest meteorological feats to date, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, announced Thursday the first successful test of a Category 7 hurricane. “I’d been tinkering with the idea of a Category 7 for a while and the trial run went off without a hitch, so I’m quite pleased with the results,” said Our Lord and Heavenly Father, describing how the unprecedented 2,000-mile-wide storm gathered strength for 15 days over the warm waters of the Pacific before making landfall on the Marshall Islands test site, battering the small country with 300-mile-per-hour winds and storm surges that raised the water level by 80 feet. “Given how well the test case performed, I’m definitely going to start using these a lot more often. Hopefully, if there aren’t any major setbacks, I’ll roll out several Category 7 hurricanes in the Atlantic and the Gulf of Mexico by the end of the month.” At press time, God abandoned plans for an experimental earthquake that registers 12 on the Richter scale after the prototype cracked Venus in half.
Ecosystem Sobered By How Young Species Was When It Went Extinct #~# EL VALLE DE ANTÓN, PANAMA—Mournfully noting that the species hadn’t even had a chance to reach its full evolutionary potential before it was taken away from them, the local moist broadleaf forest ecosystem was reportedly left sobered this week at the thought of how young the Rabbs’ fringe-limbed treefrog was when it went extinct. “It’s just so tragic; no species should ever die out after living just a few tens of thousands of generations,” said a keel-billed toucan, a longtime member of the tropical montane ecoregion, who explained that the treefrog’s untimely passing made it think long and hard about its own inevitable species extinction. “Jesus, that could have been any of us succumbing to an invasive fungal infection and human-induced habitat loss. One day it was here, feeding on insects and residing up in the canopy in water-filled holes in the trees, and the next day it was gone. I know that we all have to go sometime, but this was just way, way too early. It never really had a chance.” At press time, the remaining members of the ecological community shook their heads and continued going about their day, reminding themselves to hold their fellow organisms close and cherish the few epochs they had together.
Shooting Survivors Owe Cinemark $700,000 #~# Survivors of the 2012 Aurora theater shooting have lost their case against Cinemark accusing the cinema chain of doing too little to keep customers safe, with four plaintiffs now forced to pay Cinemark’s federal court costs totaling more than $700,000. What do you think?
‘New Year, New Caleb,’ Announces Self-Assured Seventh-Grader On First Day Of School #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Holding the straps of his brand-new backpack while confidently striding toward homeroom Thursday, self-assured seventh-grader Caleb Burgess reportedly announced “new year, new Caleb” on his first day of school. “Everything you thought you knew about Caleb is wrong, because I’m a whole new Caleb this year,” Burgess reportedly said to himself, smirking as he popped the collar of his polo shirt and attempted to spike his hair as he walked through the halls of his school. “This year is all about Caleb. Look out, Whitcomb Middle School, because this is a Caleb you’ve never seen before.” At press time, several sources confirmed that Caleb had been called a “faggy little bitch” and forcefully shoved into a painted cinder-block wall.
Friendly Cashier Persona Briefly Dropped To Address Trainee #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Her formerly cheerful voice suddenly becoming clipped and terse, Kroger morning supervisor Deanna Albas reportedly dropped her friendly cashier persona Thursday in order to address a struggling trainee. “Run the transaction over again—no, no, you void it first, and then I enter my code,” said Albas, who moments earlier had smilingly directed a customer to the baking aisle but was now sighing audibly as she nudged the new hire aside to access the register. “I can’t look over your shoulder all day long. I have my own job to do, you know.” At press time, a now-beaming Albas turned back to greet the next person in line as though he hadn’t just witnessed everything.
Chess Grandmaster Tired Of People Comparing Every Life Situation To Chess Match #~# SEATTLE—Frustrated with the endless comparisons of the game to human interactions in the real world, globally ranked chess grandmaster Adam Van De Lay admitted Thursday that he is growing “sick and tired” of the average person’s tendency to compare every life situation to a chess match. “People may want the boring, if difficult, details of their everyday life to seem more exciting, but I’m sorry, trying to get a promotion in a sales job over one of your coworkers is nothing like a game of chess in any way whatsoever,” said Van De Lay, adding that using the term “checkmate” to describe winning meaningless arguments about movies or politics is both ludicrous and “really fucking obnoxious.” “And referring to the people on your condo association board as ‘pawns’ in some sort of ‘endgame’ not only fundamentally misunderstands and cheapens chess as an abstract strategic exercise, it also just makes you sound like a dick. Stop it.” Van De Lay later warned to “not even get [him] started” on comparisons of chess to other sports, though he conceded that he could “at least kind of see it” in the case of football.
CDC Exhausts Zika Funding #~# The CDC has announced their funding to halt the spread of the mosquito-borne Zika virus will run out by late September, with $200 million of the allocated $222 million already committed, though Congressional talks to secure additional funding have stalled. What do you think?
Where Your Trash Goes After It’s Collected #~# Though the average American generates 4.3 pounds of trash per day, few people know what happens to their garbage once they throw it out. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in the surprisingly complex process of waste disposal and management:
New Report Finds Voters Have No Idea How Outraged They Supposed To Be About Anything Anymore #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that at this point, they were just taking their best guesses at how they should react to each new scandal that emerged about the presidential nominees, voters across the country admitted Monday they had no clue how outraged they are supposed to be about anything anymore. “It seems like there’s a new revelation that comes out each day about Trump or Hillary, and to be honest, I couldn’t even begin to tell you which ones I should just shake my head at and which ones are worth actually getting worked up about,” said Tempe, AZ voter Jeffrey Wilborne, who noted that between the recent breaking news alerts he received about the FBI reopening an investigation into Clinton’s emails just days ahead of the election and the barrage of apoplectic posts from friends on Facebook aimed at either the Democratic candidate or the FBI director, it was hard enough to tell which side to actually be resentful toward, let alone how angry to get. “I felt like it was pretty clear that I should be mad at Trump for what he said on that bus and at Hillary for telling Wall Street completely different things than she was telling us. But what about all that Clinton Foundation stuff? Should I be furious or just let that slide? I’m completely lost over here.” At press time, the nation’s electorate had settled on being completely apathetic to everything from here on out.
Anthony Weiner Sends Apology Sext To Entire Clinton Campaign #~# BROOKLYN, NY—In response to the FBI’s announcement that its investigation of him had produced new evidence that could pertain to its probe of the Democratic presidential nominee, Anthony Weiner reportedly sent an apology sext early Monday morning to the entire Hillary Clinton campaign. “Just wanted u 2 know I am so so sorry for the mess I caused everybody,” read the first of several group text messages that Weiner sent to over two dozen top campaign staffers between the hours of 1 a.m. and 2 a.m., a series that reportedly also included a grainy close-up photograph of the former congressman’s right nipple, several images of his erect penis protruding from his boxer briefs, and a fully nude selfie taken in front of a bathroom mirror on which he had written the phrase “I’m a bad boy” in lipstick. “U know I’d do just about anything to patch things up. I just hope nobody over there wants to give me a spanking! So hard right now.” At press time, sources confirmed that Weiner was speaking to the angry father of the 13-year-old girl whose number is reportedly one digit off from that of Clinton campaign manager John Podesta.
FBI Investigating New Clinton Emails #~# During an unrelated investigation of Anthony Weiner’s alleged sexting with a minor, the FBI has uncovered further emails from Hillary Clinton’s server that they plan to investigate. What do you think?
Most Popular Halloween Costumes Of 2016 #~# Here are the most popular Halloween costumes of 2016:
Nation Too Terrified To Look At What Trump’s Recent Rise In Polls Attributed To #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming it felt queasy just thinking about what the cause could be, the nation’s populace said Monday it was too terrified to look at what Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s recent rise in the polls was attributed to. “I know that he just got a pretty big bounce, but frankly, I don’t think I can handle any more information than that,” said Salem, OR resident Tina Redmond, one of the millions of Americans who had learned of Trump’s 2.5-point increase over the previous week’s polling and were too frightened to find out why. “Once I heard that number, I just couldn’t bear even one more detail. I know if I see a single word of explanation, I won’t sleep for a week—it’s just too horrifying.” At press time, the nation had learned that support for third-party candidates remained high among millennials and was scared to death of hearing anything further.
West Virginia Leads Nation In Heart Attacks #~# New findings show that Charleston, WV has the nation’s highest rate of heart attacks at 8.8 percent, as well as higher rates of obesity and depression, while Boulder, CO has one of the lowest heart attack rates. What do you think?
Cleveland Indians Rattled By Deafening Sound Of Wrigley Field Crowd’s Indigestion #~# CHICAGO—Barely able to communicate through the din of thunderous noise during Game 3 of the World Series, members of the Cleveland Indians admitted Friday to being completely rattled by the deafening sound of the Wrigley Field crowd’s indigestion. “It’s so loud—I’ve never heard anything like this before,” said Indians infielder Mike Napoli, whose voice was barely audible over the booming growls of Cubs fans’ stomachs reverberating throughout the stadium, with experts estimating that the roar of the crowd’s indigestion reached as loud as 120 decibels. “It started off as some pretty intense rumbling before the game, but by the second inning, all the gurgling was just ear-splitting. I swear, it feels like the whole stadium is shaking.” At press time, with pitcher Kyle Hendricks one strike away from ending the top half of the fourth inning, sources confirmed that Wrigley Field erupted into deafening groans as Cubs fans attempted to climb out of their seats to stand up.
Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein #~# In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?
Twitter Announces End Of Vine App #~# Vine, a popular mobile app for creating six-second videos, will be shuttered by Twitter in the coming months, a decision following layoffs of 9 percent of Twitter’s workforce. What do you think?
NBA Heads To Northeast Farms For Annual Basketball Picking #~# SOMERS, CT—Taking part in the popular autumn tradition, players, coaches, and owners from across the NBA reportedly traveled to several Connecticut farms Friday to pick basketballs. “This is the perfect time of year to walk around a basketball patch with your team and choose a few big orange Spaldings to bring home,” league commissioner Adam Silver told reporters as players excitedly picked up various basketballs to check if they were solid and fully inflated. “The air is crisp, the leaves have changed colors, and basketballs are ripe and regulation-size. The farms up here have a great selection of basketballs that will last the whole regular season before they start rotting, and it’s always nice to see the smiles on the younger rookies while they walk around hugging their freshly picked basketballs with both hands.” Silver added that he usually brings a few of the smaller, oddly colored basketballs back with him to donate to the WNBA.
Anthropologists Discover Isolated Tribe Of Joyful Americans Living In Remote Village Untouched By 2016 Election #~# WALDPORT, OR—A team of anthropologists announced Friday it had discovered an isolated tribe of blissful Americans who have never been exposed to the current presidential campaign or its candidates, noting that the newly identified population lives contentedly in a remote village completely untouched by the 2016 race. 
What Happens If Trump Refuses To Concede Election #~# Donald Trump has stated publicly multiple times that he may not accept the results of the presidential election if Hillary Clinton is named the victor. Here’s what would happen if Trump refuses to concede.
New Voting Booths Lock Americans Inside For 45 Minutes So They Can Consider Decision Before Casting Ballot #~# WASHINGTON—Election boards across the country reportedly began installing new voting booths this week that are specially designed to keep citizens locked inside for 45 minutes, forcing them to actually consider the decision they are making before they cast their ballot. “We believe the new booths, which detain voters inside a plain 4-foot-by-4-foot area for almost an hour without any diversions or distractions, will provide individuals with the opportunity they need to pause and really think about who they’re voting for and why,” said Florida Elections Commission representative Pam Johnston, explaining how a heavy-duty steel latch on the outside of the booth automatically fastens as soon as the occupant closes the door, leaving the voter with little choice but to ponder the candidates on the ballot, the policies being proposed, and their own long-term interests. “For the entire 45 minutes, Americans will be left alone to contemplate their vote and the very real repercussions it will have, which is an outcome that almost assuredly wouldn’t result unless we forcibly confined them inside a small, featureless enclosure with no means of escape.” Sources confirmed that voters could fill out their ballot as early into the 45-minute period as they like, but would have to spend the remainder of the time inside the sealed booth reflecting on what they had just done.
HIV Evidence Debunks ‘Patient Zero’ Myth #~# New evidence shows HIV entered the U.S. around 1971, refuting the theory that “Patient Zero,” a French-Canadian flight attendant, transmitted it sexually in the 1980s to men in New York and California. What do you think?
Trump’s Star Vandalized On Hollywood Walk Of Fame #~# A vandal has removed Donald Trump’s name from his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame using a pickax and a hammer. What do you think?
Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet #~# If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.
Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way. “It’s much more convenient to go to the polls now and tell every single person I come into contact with during the upcoming week that I already voted; that way, I don’t have to worry about it at the last second,” said Keene, adding that it would be nice to be completely done showing coworkers his “I Voted” sticker and posting a picture of himself filling out his ballot on Facebook before everyone else heads to the polls next month. “I know I want to spend seven days fishing for compliments about doing my civic duty, so why not get it done with right away? It’s always such a pain to pedantically slip some of the names of the down-ballot candidates into conversations on the same day as everyone else, so it’s great to have this option.” Keene told reporters that he loved how easy his early voting location made it to complain about being tired because he had voted this morning before work.
Psychologists Say It Perfectly Natural To Fantasize About Sandwiches Other Than One Currently In Hand #~# BOULDER, CO—Saying such feelings of desire were observed in nearly every individual they studied, psychologists from the University of Colorado released a report Thursday concluding that it is perfectly natural for people to fantasize about sandwiches other than the one presently in their hands.
Study: Small Lies Lead To Bigger Lies Over Time #~# Neuroscientists have found that the more a person lies, the bolder those lies become, with low blood flow to the amygdala indicating increased comfort with lying. What do you think?
Women Work 39 More Days Per Year Than Men #~# According to the World Economic Forum’s Global Gender Gap Report for 2016, women work an average of 39 more days per year than men, or about 50 extra minutes per day. What do you think?
Wealthy Father Nervously Waits For Response After Sending Donations To Son’s Top College Choices #~# AUSTIN, TX—Anxiously wondering what kind of impression he was leaving on university admissions officials, wealthy father Gordon Fring was said to be waiting restlessly for responses this week after mailing donations to his son’s top college choices. “I sent in contributions to eight different schools all over the country and haven’t heard anything back yet,” said Fring, who added that while he submitted large sums to each of the private universities, he knew that thousands of other high school seniors’ well-off parents had done the exact same thing, so at the end of the day, it was just a crapshoot. “I really hope I get positive news from Duke. My son’s wanted to go there forever, and I feel really good about the amount of cash I sent them, so hopefully I have a decent shot. Fingers crossed.” At press time, sources reported that Fring had become excited after receiving an envelope from Vanderbilt, only to quickly grow dejected upon opening it and finding a simple form letter thanking him for his gift. 
New Company Aims To Explore Intersection Of Technology, Other Thing #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Explaining how their company was poised to usher in a bold new era of innovation, founders of local startup Intuihub told reporters Wednesday that their mission is to explore the intersection of technology and another thing.
Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet #~# If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.
Bob Dylan Refusing To Accept Nobel Prize #~# The Nobel Committee has attempted to contact singer-songwriter Bob Dylan multiple times since announcing him the winner of their prize in literature last week, though Dylan has yet to acknowledge the prize at all. What do you think?
Cubs Fan Ready To Get Completely Drunk Again On Only 2 Days’ Rest #~# CHICAGO—Explaining that he is breaking from his normal routine for Game 1 of the World Series, 32-year-old Chicago Cubs fan Frank Sanford confirmed Tuesday that he feels ready to get completely drunk again on only two days’ rest. “I usually need at least four or five days off between getting blackout drunk, but it’s the World Series, so I’ll do whatever I have to do to get out there and get absolutely wasted tonight,” said Sanford, adding that he used Sunday and Monday to rest and recover following his 12-beer outing during the Cubs’ NLCS-clinching win over the Los Angeles Dodgers on Saturday. “I did some light drinking yesterday and felt okay, so I think I’ll be good to go. I might not be able to drink as much as I normally could after a full week’s rest, but I’ll go hard and throw back as many beers as I can. There’s no way I would miss an opportunity to get totally hammered when my team is in the World Series.” Sanford added that he is hoping to avoid a repeat of Game 4 of the 2015 NLCS, when he was taken out of the bar by his friends after throwing up twice on just eight shots in the first four innings.
UN Names Wonder Woman As Ambassador #~# The United Nations has announced that comic book character Wonder Woman will serve as their honorary Ambassador for the Empowerment of Women and Girls. What do you think?
The Onion Humbly Offers Up Its Offices To Imprison The Women Who Have Wrongfully Accused Donald Trump #~# In recent weeks, a dozen women have come forward alleging that presidential nominee Donald J. Trump made unwanted sexual advances on them. Each of these accusers has operated, seemingly in collusion, with the sole intention of spreading outrageous falsehoods to undermine a man of great esteem and resources. Not only has this rank slander dealt a grievous blow to Mr. Trump’s reputation, but the words of these women have stained America’s legacy of fair and respectable electoral politics, and we at this newspaper can no longer stand idly by while such brazen and criminal defamation goes unpunished. 
Report: Friend Has Been Going By Middle Name This Whole Fucking Time #~# CALABASAS, CA—Astounded that it had never come up at any point in the six years they had known each other, local woman Lucy Reed, 25, reported Tuesday that her friend Nicole Silberthau had apparently been going by her middle name this whole fucking time. “Wait, Nicole’s real first name is Katherine? Are you fucking kidding me?” said a visibly stunned Reed, who was alerted to her friend’s given name while filling out a lease on a two-bedroom apartment that Silberthau had already signed, a discovery that reportedly set off a succession of puzzling questions in Reed’s mind, ranging from why the hell her friend had kept this fact hidden for so long to why she would go out of her way to call herself “Nicole” when her actual first name was completely normal to begin with. “What the fuck? Katherine Silberthau? Jesus, it’s like I don’t even know who she is anymore.” Reed noted that the incident was even worse than the time another of her friends, Chris Willetts, neglected to mention he was a “Jr.” for nearly a year.
Teary-Eyed Tim Kaine Asks Clinton If His Hair Will Grow Back In Time For Election Day #~# NEW YORK—His lower lip quivering while showing his running mate the uneven patches on his head where he attempted to give himself a trim, a teary-eyed Tim Kaine reportedly asked Hillary Clinton this morning if his hair would grow back in time for Election Day. “I just wanted to look nice for TV, but I did a bad job—when will my hair come back?” said the whimpering vice presidential nominee, still clenching a tuft of hair that he had snipped off the sides of his head with a pair of safety scissors. “I tried to fix it, but then it got worse. Please don’t be mad at me. I only wanted to help.” At press time, Clinton had reportedly pacified the crying Kaine by telling him he could wear his favorite Lightning McQueen baseball cap for the rest of the campaign.
Trump’s Childhood Home Up For Auction #~# Donald Trump’s childhood home, a 2,500-square-foot Tudor in Queens, is currently up for auction with a starting bid of $849,000. What do you think?
Cake Just Sitting There #~# Take It
Man Approaches Box Of Powdered Doughnuts Like Snake Discovering Unguarded Clutch Of Bird Eggs #~# ASHEBORO, NC—Quietly slinking into his office’s break room after spying the unattended confections from afar, area marketing associate Dan Keegan reportedly approached a box of powdered doughnuts Monday like a pine snake discovering an unguarded clutch of bluebird eggs. According to sources, Keegan’s tongue momentarily darted from his mouth and his gaze remained fixed on his quarry as he maneuvered his way toward the cluster of small white delicacies, silently creeping up to the tabletop as if he were making his way along a tree bough to an awaiting roosting site. The office worker is then said to have wasted no time consuming the sugarcoated treats that—much like eggs in an unattended nest of woven grass—sat there fully exposed and vulnerable in an open pastry box, swallowing all four of them nearly whole one after the other and then slipping back out from where he came before anyone could notice. At press time, a motionless Keegan was reportedly sunning himself by his office window, his stomach still bulging from the bounty.
D.C. Panda To Be Moved To China #~# Bao Bao, a panda born at the National Zoo in 2013, will be given over to the China Wildlife Conservation early next year under a cooperative breeding agreement that stipulates all cubs born in D.C. must be transferred back to China by age four. What do you think?
Pair Of 26-Year-Olds Hit It Off After Learning They Have Student Loans From Same Bank #~# DENVER—Smiling at one another and joking about the fateful coincidence at they sat together at the Irish Lion Pub, local 26-year-old Nick Latham told reporters Friday he couldn’t believe he and the woman he had just met, Sara Reilly, also 26, owed tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt to the same bank. “We hit it off as soon as she walked over to the bar and started chatting, but she mentioned she was on a strict budget when I suggested getting another drink, and we just put it together from there,” said Latham, who noted with excitement that they even said the words “6.25 percent fixed interest rate” in perfect unison. “Not only that, but our loans are within four figures of each other, too. Sara and I will both be paying off this debt till we’re 53 years old! Tell me that’s not some sort of crazy coincidence!” At press time, a smitten Latham was asking Reilly if she wanted to leave the bar with him, since neither of them could afford non-happy-hour prices.
Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday #~# CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents. “Mom and Dad are getting older, and they’re going to start needing a hand around the house and someone to help drive them around pretty soon, and I just know my sister would do such a good job looking after them,” said Ellen, 31, stating nearly verbatim the exact sentiment her older sibling had expressed to reporters in a separate interview, before adding, just as her sister did, that she planned to be busy with her career and raising a family of her own by the time her parents would need more extensive assistance. “I’m not saying I wouldn’t pitch in occasionally, but keeping track of their finances and medical issues is going to require a lot of hard work and patience, and I really think my sister would be better at handling that stuff. She’s just more of the nurturing type, you know?” At press time, both siblings were simultaneously considering moving out of state solely to ensure that the other would, by default, be forced into the role of their parents’ caretaker.
Reality Of Fatherhood Never Truly Dawned On Man Until He Held Newborn Son’s Hospital Bill #~# MISSOULA, MT—Describing how he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a flood of intense emotions, local man Mike Bentzen told reporters Monday the reality of fatherhood didn’t truly set in for him until the moment he held his newborn son’s hospital bill. “Wow, this is going to totally change my life,” said Bentzen as tears welled up in his eyes, adding that he was left completely speechless by the little bundle of papers and that it would probably take some time before the magnitude of what had just happened fully sank in. “I’ve had friends tell me about their experience, but you just can’t understand what it feels like until you’re looking down at it in your own hands. It’s hard to even put into words. Whatever my world was like before, I just know things are going to be very different from this day forward.” Bentzen reportedly started softly weeping as he sat down with his son’s medical invoice in his lap and began imagining how he would deal with this for the next 18 years.
Look, I Wish I Were Better At This Also #~# The 2016 presidential race is unlike any we’ve seen before. Americans are as fed up as they’ve ever been with establishment politics, the nation is confronted with the two least popular major-party nominees in modern history, and people everywhere seem hungry for a change to the status quo. As a result, there is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity here for a third-party candidate to present a transformative new vision for our nation and win the support of voters all across the country. And frankly, I am just as disappointed as you are to realize I am in no way qualified to do that.
Report: We Could Probably Just Have Computer Pick President #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that it would likely complete the task quickly and without any trouble, a Brookings Institution report released Monday stated that we could probably just have a computer pick the next president of the United States. “Technology is pretty fast now and it can do all kinds of different things, so we could probably just type the candidates’ political positions and experience into a computer, press the Enter key, and then in a second or two, it should be able to tell us who should be president,” read the report in part, which confirmed that computers know how to drive cars and one of them even won Jeopardy!, so picking the best choice for president shouldn’t be that hard. “We probably wouldn’t even need to have candidates or campaigns or anything. Every four years, you could just put all Americans’ names into the computer, run the president program, let it figure out who’s the best person for the job, and then that person can get right to work, and that’d be it. Done.” The report went on to add that, come to think of it, given how quickly technology was advancing, we could probably just have a computer be the president.
UK Pardons Gay Men Convicted Of Abolished Sex Crimes #~# Britain has announced a plan to pardon thousands of gay and bisexual men previously convicted of sex offenses that have since been abolished, many of the pardons occurring posthumously. What do you think?
Pediatricians Ease Screen Time Guidelines #~# Amending previous guidelines that children under 2 should avoid screen time and that teens should limit screen time to an hour per day, leading pediatricians now say toddlers can use FaceTime and Skype, and teens should simply balance screen time with other activities. What do you think?
All-Business Adult In Halloween Shop Beelines It Straight For Pinhead Mask #~# BROOKLINE, MA—Without so much as glancing at the seasonal store’s wide selection of other Halloween-themed merchandise, all-business 34-year-old Brian Aubin reportedly strode right past several aisles of costumes and accessories Friday and beelined it straight for the Pinhead masks. “That guy wasn’t fucking around—he was there for one reason and one reason only, and that was to get himself a Pinhead mask,” said fellow customer Emily Nassif, adding that when an employee asked the grown man if he needed help finding anything else, the straight-faced Aubin simply and purposefully pointed to the latex mask made famous by the Hellraiser movies and said “Just this.” “I’m not sure he even noticed all the Scream and Freddy Krueger masks or the big barrel of plastic scythes next to him, not that he would have cared if he did. This guy knew he wanted to look like Pinhead, and he made it happen.” Sources later reported that once the single-minded, no-nonsense shopper had completed his purchase, he exited the store so quickly that he didn’t even trigger the motion-activated cackling skeleton.
Family Hoping Mother Knows Birthday Nature Walk A One-Time Thing #~# OSHKOSH, WI—Moments before they set out on a two-mile wilderness trail at a nearby state park, members of the Calverton family told reporters Friday they hoped their mother, Beth, realized her birthday nature walk was a one-time-only thing. “I know Mom’s pretty excited, but if she thinks we’re going to do this sort of thing again, she’s sorely mistaken,” said Calverton’s 16-year-old son, Garrett, who explained that he, his sister, and his father had only agreed to the outing because his mother was turning 50, adding that she had better not get her hopes up and start believing this might become a regular activity. “If she wants to come back by herself and walk along the other trails, that’s up to her. She just needs to know that today is a special occasion, and after this, we’re all done as far as family walks go. This is it.” Garrett Calverton went on to say that while he was willing to walk the whole trail without complaint, if his mother thought she could stop every 10 minutes to read each new sign explaining the area’s native plants and animals, then she had another thing coming.
Where Your Political Donation Goes #~# With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign:
Kidnapped Journalist Forced To Explain To ISIS Captors What BuzzFeed News Is #~# HAWIJA, IRAQ—Responding to his captors’ demands that he divulge who he is and what he was doing in the region, kidnapped journalist Tim Cascella reportedly found himself Thursday having to explain to several ISIS militants what BuzzFeed News is. “So, it’s part of a broader digital media network, and it started out as a spinoff from our entertainment content because that made more sense from an advertising perspective, but now it’s a separate news vertical of its own—it reports on stuff like any other news site, I swear,” said a frightened Cascella, who only seemed to perplex and anger his interrogators further when, after being asked to state his background, he mentioned that he got his start writing listicles for the website before eventually moving up to report on actual real-world events. “No, I don’t have a physical copy; it’s only online. We’re sort of like Huffington Post, if you’re familiar with that, but for a younger audience. Maybe you’ve done one of our quizzes? They’re very popular. If you just go to BuzzFeed.com—and try not to look at the homepage—then just click on ‘News,’ which is the first tab, it will bring you to actual news stories. I promise.” At press time, Cascella’s captors had decided to release him after determining that he was not a journalist.
Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child #~# SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child. According to sources, the unspeaking, expressionless 26-year-old was never witnessed exiting her bedroom, instead seeming to materialize out of thin air on the outskirts of a conversation circle as if she were the apparition of an English nobleman’s daughter who died of typhoid in 1868 and possibly went by the name Gwendolyn or Abigail. Several unsettled witnesses reported how, at one point, Stahl was seen standing rigid and silent a dozen feet beyond the dining area table that had been set up as the bar, looking out at all the revelers with a blankness in her eyes that suggested she had become trapped between this world and that of her girlhood in a mid-19th-century countryside manor. Wearing a skirt and top that may as well have been a calf-length, puff-sleeve dress with a lace collar and a large silk waist bow, the host’s roommate reportedly entered the kitchenette at one point for a glass of water and, just a moment later, appeared standing behind the couch like a spectral figure who perished suddenly at the age of 9 and has ever since drifted across the face of the earth unimpeded by walls or other physical surfaces. According to reports, roughly an hour into the festivities, several partygoers felt a sudden chill of cold air and looked around to find Stahl nowhere in sight, leaving them to wonder if she had ever even been there in the first place.
NFL Sees 10% Ratings Drop #~# NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has acknowledged the league’s drop in viewership this season, citing a lack of competitive games during primetime as a possible factor. What do you think?
Trump Holds Strategy Meeting With Campaign’s Top Militia Leaders Ahead Of Election Day #~# NEW YORK—Sitting down with his most heavily armed advisors to go over potential courses of action, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly held a strategy meeting with his campaign’s top militia leaders Thursday afternoon in order to map out their approach before November 8. “We’re seeing tight races in Ohio and Nevada, so that’s where we need to concentrate our resources right now,” said Ron Bishop, Trump’s national militia coordinator, who ran the candidate through the various on-the-ground preparations that were being taken by the militia heads at local field offices throughout the nation, before leading the group in a brainstorming session on scenarios they might face on Election Day. “We really need to start ramping up operations in every state during these final weeks before people head to the polls. While we’ve already built dependable networks in our key strongholds in the Deep South and the West, we must prepare for the prospect of having to take action in places like Missouri and Arizona, too. We want to be as agile as possible so that we can execute a comprehensive and decisive strategy when the time comes.” At press time, Bishop was laying out a detailed plan for how Trump could take the White House.
Report: Peaceful Transfer Of Power Makes Last-Minute Push To Become Most Pressing Issue Of 2016 Election #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the subject came “completely out of nowhere,” Americans across the country reported Thursday that they were taken aback by how the peaceful transfer of executive power in the United States was making a surprise last-minute push to become the most pressing issue of the 2016 election. “Boy, I tell you, deep-seated fear about whether we as a nation can pass authority from the current president to the incoming one without the threat of violence wasn’t even on my radar, but now all of a sudden, it’s gunning for the top spot as my main concern this election—I did not see that coming,” said Purcellville, VA resident Owen Packard, echoing the sentiments of tens of millions of Americans who admitted they were “totally unprepared” for the eleventh-hour attempt by the nation’s faith in fair elections to make a play for being their number-one worry with less than three weeks to go before voters cast their ballots. “Honestly, the economy and terrorism seemed like they had this thing wrapped up for the longest time. And then when sexual assault and the rights of women suddenly vaulted ahead of both of them as the most crucial issue facing voters, I thought that had to be it until Election Day. But, wow, the undermining of the most fundamental principle of our democracy? That one totally blindsided me.” Additional reports found that there was likely still enough time for a desperate, last-gasp effort by the specter of a coordinated civilian rebellion to supplant all other subjects as the most critical issue in this year’s race.
FEC Extends Election By 7 Months To Give Nation Chance To Better Get To Know Candidates #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to help voters make an informed decision at the polls, the Federal Election Commission announced Thursday it would be extending the U.S. presidential election by seven months to give Americans the opportunity to better get to know the presidential candidates. “We believe the continuation of this election by just over half a year will provide Americans with the chance to fully acquaint themselves with both the character and policy positions of Secretary Clinton and Mr. Trump,” said FEC chairman Matthew S. Petersen, who expressed confidence that the American people would benefit greatly from over 200 extra days of election coverage, rallies, press conferences, and campaign ads. “Our commission has also worked with the CPD to schedule eight more presidential debates and three more town halls, so that there will be no question that every citizen is ready to cast their ballot by the time Election Day comes around on June 8, 2017.” The FEC added that it had not ruled out extending the election by an additional year if any U.S. voters were still undecided.
Third-Grader Clearly Biting Off More Than He Can Chew At Elementary School Book Fair #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Watching in disbelief as the youngster added another children’s novel to his quickly growing stack, sources confirmed Thursday that local third-grader Hayden Schmidt was clearly biting off more than he could chew at his elementary school book fair. “This kid is in way over his head here—there’s no way he’s going to read something as long as Charlotte’s Web,” said eyewitness Marissa Chandler, scoffing and shaking her head as she noted that the 8-year-old already had a pretty full plate after selecting Mr. Popper’s Penguins and Stuart Little. “Jesus Christ, now he’s grabbing Bridge To Terabithia! That’s way too advanced for him—he’ll never make it past the second chapter. Who does he think he is?” At press time, sources confirmed the third-grader had finally come to his senses, placing the books back on the shelves in order to use his money on some cool pens.
Trump Won’t Concede Election If He Loses #~# When asked by debate moderator Chris Wallace whether he would accept the election results if he is the losing candidate, Donald Trump said he would keep the American people “in suspense.” What do you think?
Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate #~# Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions:
Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions #~# MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting. “Oh man, giving answers was the one thing I didn’t prepare for—if they ask me something, I’ll be so screwed,” McKee reportedly thought to himself, his heart beginning to race faster as he imagined how he would likely freeze up or flounder around in panic if his interviewer put him on the spot with a question of any kind. “Okay, okay, calm down. All you need is for them to keep speaking for the entire 30 minutes without expecting you to respond in any way—then you should be fine. All right, here goes.” At press time, sources confirmed McKee’s stomach had dropped and his eyes had gone wide in terror after the first thing out of his interviewer’s mouth was a question about how he was doing.
Origins Of Popular Slang Terms #~# As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases:
Trump Campaign Training Poll Watchers To Spot Any Suspicious Skin Colors On Election Day #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Instructing volunteers to remain alert and pay close attention to every individual who arrives at their voting location, the “Trump Election Observer” section of Donald Trump’s campaign website reportedly trains supporters to spot any suspicious skin colors they may see on Election Day, sources confirmed this week. “Keep an eye out for any of the skin tones appearing on the list below, none of which are allowable on November 8,” read the webpage in part, reminding volunteers that watching out for certain suspect and disreputable complexions was the only way to ensure the Republican nominee had a fair shot at winning the election. “Be on the lookout for these two shades in particular, as they have historically proven to cause significant trouble. And remember that whenever you spot a dubious-looking skin pigmentation at your polling place, immediately confront the problem head-on.” The site further stated that should a volunteer happen to notice a significantly high number of suspicious skin colors at their precinct, they should call their local Trump field office immediately so the campaign could formally contest the polling location’s results.
Porn Industry Protests Condom Requirement #~# Members of the adult entertainment industry are protesting Proposition 60, a measure requiring actors to wear condoms on film, which performers say denies them the right to protect their bodies as they choose. What do you think?
Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton #~# PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton. “Secretary Clinton, you have been found in violation of interstellar law and have been called to stand trial before the Galactic Conclave,” said the justice official from the Centaurus System while a pair of uniformed extraterrestrial enforcers grabbed the former first lady’s shoulders with their forelimbs and pincers and escorted her toward the rippling space-time rift from which they had entered. “By order of the Nebulon Federation, you will depart with us at once to the Halls of Justice on Axio Prime, where you will await judgment for your crimes. If convicted, you face up to 900 cycles of hard labor within the comet mines of Zorlon B.” At press time, Clinton’s campaign team had issued a press statement referring to the criminal charges as “more baseless accusations” and assuring voters that the candidate has always complied with all transcosmic protocols.
Chris Wallace Receives Cease-And-Desist Letter From Trump Organization In Middle Of Questioning Candidate About Groping Allegations #~# PARADISE, NV—Interrupted by an aide to the Republican nominee who strode up to his table during the third presidential debate Wednesday, moderator Chris Wallace is said to have received a cease-and-desist letter from the Trump Organization in the middle of asking Donald Trump to respond to allegations that he groped multiple women. “Are you Chris Wallace? This is for you,” said the Trump Organization representative, handing the Fox News host a letter from Trump’s lawyer Marc Kasowitz, which threatened legal action over “reckless, slanderous, and defamatory statements made by Chris Wallace at the presidential debate on October 19, 2016,” and stated that “the timing of these statements moments ago during a nationally televised broadcast makes it clear that this is a politically motivated attempt to harm Mr. Trump’s candidacy.” “If you fail to comply with this order, Mr. Wallace, we’ll have no choice but to sue. Good day.” The Trump Organization official reportedly rushed back onstage moments later after Wallace asked the GOP nominee how much federal income tax he has paid over the past 20 years, serving the moderator a restraining order that barred him from having any contact with Trump for the remainder of the debate.
Undecided Debate Viewer Waiting Until He Hears Same Responses For Seventh Time Before Making Decision #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Saying he was still on the fence and was hoping Wednesday night’s final presidential debate would provide him with some clarity, undecided voter Kevin Dewey told reporters he is waiting until he hears the same responses from the nominees for the seventh time before deciding who he’ll cast his ballot for. “Tonight, I’d really like to see both candidates repeat the exact same things word-for-word that they have already said several times before—once they do that, I’ll probably know which way I’m leaning,” said Dewey, who explained that he had only heard Trump’s and Clinton’s rehearsed soundbites on jobs, ISIS, and criminal justice four or five times and would need to hear these exact statements at least twice more before he felt comfortable making a choice. “The first couple debates were helpful, but the candidates only restated the same pre-packaged talking points a few times each. Until I’ve seen them give identical answers more than half a dozen times between the debates and the campaign trail, I’ll probably still be going back and forth in my mind.” Dewey added that if hearing the exact same responses seven times failed to help him reach a decision, he might need to read a few dozen more wholly indistinguishable thinkpieces about the candidates before Election Day.
Moderator Explains That GOP Will Have 2 Minutes After Every Trump Response To Distance Selves From Candidate #~# PARADISE, NV—Reminding viewers of the agreed-upon rules before the start of Wednesday’s third presidential debate, moderator Chris Wallace explained that the rest of the GOP would be given two minutes after each response by Donald Trump to distance themselves from the Republican nominee. “Each candidate will be given 90 seconds to answer the question presented to them, after which congressional Republicans and party leaders will have two minutes to walk back any statements made by their nominee,” said Wallace, adding that the GOP could use the time either to condemn the candidate’s remarks outright or to explain again to voters that the values of Trump do not reflect those of the party. “In addition, Republicans will be granted an extra 30 seconds following each of Trump’s rebuttals to discuss the many ways that the official GOP platform differs from his proposals. Any time remaining at the end of each segment can be used by individual Republicans facing reelection to disavow their previous support of the GOP candidate.” At press time, Trump had reportedly spent the GOP’s entire speaking time talking over them and loudly accusing them of lying.
Presidential Debate Commission Anesthetizes Audience To Prevent Outbursts During Debate #~# PARADISE, NV—In an effort to ensure that voters watching at home could follow the discussion onstage without distraction, the Commission on Presidential Debates announced it would be anesthetizing the audience at UNLV’s Thomas & Mack Center ahead of the final presidential debate Wednesday night. “We would like to let those in attendance know that we are now administering the anesthetic, so please sit back in your seats, relax, and breathe in deeply until you feel it taking effect,” said Debate Commission co-chairman Michael D. McCurry over the public address system, explaining as a steady stream of desflurane gas poured into the auditorium that the crowd needed to be fully sedated before the debate began in order to prevent any shouts, jeers, or applause that could interrupt or unduly influence the proceedings. “Now, I would like everyone to begin counting backward from 100. The debate will be over before you know it.” At press time, members of the Debate Commission were rushing to pump more gas into the venue, as the candidates’ opening remarks appeared to be cutting through the anesthesia and causing hundreds of attendees to moan in discomfort.
Police Chief Apologizes To Minorities For Mistreatment #~# The president of the International Association of Chiefs of Police apologized at a press conference this week to all communities of color who have historically been the disproportionate target of mistreatment by police. What do you think?
Mike Pence Visits Small Town Hit Hard By Kids Seeing R-Rated Movies #~# EVANSDALE, IA—Providing comfort to residents of the stricken community, Republican vice presidential nominee Mike Pence visited a small town in the nation’s heartland Wednesday that had recently been hit hard by children viewing R-rated movies, sources confirmed. “It is deeply saddening and sobering to stand here today in a town that has been so utterly devastated by the scourge of underage children watching films that have a ‘Restricted’ rating,” a visibly anguished Pence said during a press conference outside the local AMC Theater, noting that over the past year, R-rated motion pictures such as Deadpool, Bad Moms, and The Conjuring 2 had exposed hundreds of the town’s teenagers to graphic violence and adult material. “Unfortunately, there are hundreds of small towns just like this one around the county where children under 17 have witnessed depictions of drug use, strong adult language, and sexually oriented nudity. As we seek to help those most impacted by these thematic elements, it is imperative that we also vow to ensure that this tragedy does not repeat itself elsewhere.” Sources confirmed that following his speech, Pence quietly broke down in tears after hearing a local 15-year-old speaking the word “asshole.”
Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One #~# MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one. “Jesus, where the hell did that come from?” said the startled 33-year-old, stating that he had been under the impression he was simply clearing his throat and was by no means expecting to eject such a behemoth. “If I’d known what I was in for I would’ve gotten a tissue ready, but this thing totally came out of left field. Ugh, God, it’s in my mouth now.” Reese went on to say that although his next cough appeared as if it would be benign, after what had just transpired he was bracing himself for anything.
High School Graduation Rate At Record High #~# For the fifth consecutive year, the graduation rate at U.S. high schools has reached a record high, climbing to 83 percent and narrowing achievement gaps across all demographics. What do you think?
Smithsonian Seeks $300,000 To Repair Ruby Slippers #~# The Smithsonian National Museum of American History has launched a Kickstarter campaign seeking $300,000 to repair the ruby slippers Judy Garland wore in 1939’s The Wizard Of Oz, which have suffered extensive fading and deterioration. What do you think?
How To Report A Crime #~# Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime:
Nation Suddenly Realizes It Never Had To Worry About John McCain Dying Over Past 8 Years If He’d Become President #~# WASHINGTON—While thinking about this November’s election and remembering that only a few months remain in Barack Obama’s presidency, Americans throughout the country are said to have suddenly come to the realization Tuesday that they, in fact, never had to worry about John McCain dying over the past eight years had he become president in 2008. “I definitely had a lot of concerns back in ’08 about whether McCain could make it through a single term, let alone two, but I guess he would have been fine all along,” said 52-year-old Grand Junction, CO resident Kathy Lorenz, who, like much of the voting public, looked at the then-GOP nominee eight years ago and figured he’d be lucky to make it to the 2010s. “Seeing him now, he looks pretty much exactly the same as he did back then. Honestly, at this point, I could maybe even see him lasting another couple presidential terms. Huh, who would have guessed? Oh well.” At press time, voters across the nation were letting out a long, low whistle as their thoughts drifted back further to the 1996 candidacy of Bob Dole.
Secret Service Shuts Down Biden’s Unofficial White House Tour Operation #~# WASHINGTON—Encouraging the group of visitors that he was showing around the Roosevelt Room to “fucking hightail it,” vice president Joe Biden was reportedly stopped by “killjoy” Secret Service members Tuesday who moved quickly to shut down his unofficial White House tour. “I provide a legit service at a discount, unlike that rinky-dink official tour where you don’t get to peep half as much cool-ass shit, but those glorified security guards had to go and put the kibosh on it,” said Biden, who had reportedly been making some extra cash on the side by approaching groups of tourists waiting in line outside the White House and asking them if they wanted to see the “real deal,” before sneaking ahead into the West Wing to check if the coast was clear. “The actual tour is a huge ripoff, but Diamond Joe’s Ultimate Sightseeing Adventure shows you stuff that’s not on any map. Listen, there’s some shit that Barry doesn’t even know is here, and I was letting people in on it for a totally reasonable price. Plus, I give people way more bang for their buck with all the trippy strobe lights and dry ice in the basement, not to mention the fact that all of Uncle Joe’s guests get to snag a bitchin’ lamp or clock at the end.” At press time, Biden was reportedly lamenting that his most recent group of visitors missed out on seeing the historical spot where he mistook an 18th-century chest of drawers for a urinal while “completely tanked.”
Report: Annie Sabatino’s Boyfriend Like 23 Or Something #~# RIDGEWOOD, NJ—Corroborating evidence gleaned from several purported sightings of the couple, lunchroom sources reported Tuesday that the boyfriend of high school junior Annie Sabatino is like 23 or something. “I heard from Jessie Kennedy’s sister that he’s a bartender somewhere—he’s, like, out of college,” said classmate Julie Adamo, 17, who plays field hockey with Sabatino and said she saw the unknown older man pick her up from a game on Friday in a “Honda or something,” and it looked like he had a full beard. “Lindsay [O’Donnell] said he lives in an apartment in Wycoff with a couple of roommates. She says he has a bunch of tattoos. You think Annie’s parents know about it?” Sources were unable to confirm further reports claiming that, because she’s dating a 23-year-old, Sabatino can get into any bar now, no questions asked.
Debate Organizers Set Aside First 15 Minutes For Whatever Major Trump Revelation Comes Out Between Now And Then #~# PARADISE, NV—In an effort to ensure the most relevant topics are addressed during the third and final presidential debate, organizers revealed Tuesday that the first 15 minutes of the event would be set aside to focus on whatever major Donald Trump revelation comes out between now and then. “Though covering the candidates’ positions on subjects like immigration and entitlement reform is critical, we’ve also blocked off an entire 15-minute segment at the beginning to discuss whatever bombshell information comes out about Trump before Wednesday night,” said moderator Chris Wallace, adding that the allotted time would be dedicated solely to scrutinizing any new accusations of criminal conduct from Trump’s past or outrageous statements uttered by the candidate himself that emerge in the next 36 hours. “From watching the last debate, we learned that you need to set aside a substantial amount of time to delve into whatever damning allegations or leaked videos surface right before the debate, otherwise there’s no way you can adequately cover it all. I just hope 15 minutes is enough—we might have to cut the section on foreign policy.” Wallace added that in the unlikely event that any time remained after discussing the new revelations, the rest of the segment would be turned over to the candidates for hurling insults and disparaging remarks.
Cuban Rum, Cigars Now Legal In U.S. #~# Seeking to promote trade with Cuba, President Obama has signed an executive action allowing Americans to purchase an unlimited amount of Cuban rum and cigars. What do you think?
Planned Parenthood Turns 100 #~# This week marks the 100-year anniversary of activist Margaret Sanger’s opening of her Brooklyn birth control clinic, which would eventually become Planned Parenthood. What do you think?
Warning On Police Body Camera Footage Cautions Viewer They About To See Pretty Much Exactly What They’d Expect #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Providing a brief warning before the footage began playing, several lines of text that preceded a three-minute video clip from a police officer’s body camera reportedly informed viewers Monday they were about to see pretty much exactly what they’d expect. “Warning: This video contains precisely what you think,” read the text that appeared against a black background for several seconds at the start of the video, cautioning those watching that they could not, by this point, claim to be surprised by what they were about to witness. “You’ve all seen enough of these, so you know the drill by now. Okay, here it comes.” The message concluded by warning viewers that this, sadly, would not be the last video like this they’d ever see.
Michelle Obama To DNC: ‘After This Election You Dipshits Are On Your Own’ #~# WASHINGTON—Reminding party officials she wasn’t sticking around past November 8 and that they could all “kiss [her] ass” after that, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly informed the Democratic National Committee today that they would be completely on their own once the election was over. “You dipshits better get someone else lined up to make your little speeches about the power of unity and compassion, because in a couple weeks I’m done with this bullshit,” said Obama, who noted that, come Election Day, the Democratic Party would no longer be able to trot her out whenever they needed an uplifting and intensely personal message that could win over crucial voters. “I can’t keep bailing your asses out every time you fuck this up, so don’t get used to it. I’ve got my own shit to deal with, and I’m not just going to drop everything because one of you dumbfucks screwed the pooch again. You little pricks need to learn to handle this on your own. You got that?” The first lady added that if any of those DNC fuckers ever tried to get Sasha or Malia to be in some bullshit campaign ad, she would slit their throats.
Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans #~# SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans. “The phrase ‘Let’s Go Bolts!’ just randomly appeared on the screen while pounding drums played over the loudspeakers—I’ve been going to Chargers games my entire life, and I’ve never heard anyone say that once,” said 39-year-old spectator Joseph Novello, who estimated that less than 10 percent of the confused crowd joined in on the cheer, most of whom were children. “Each word gets bigger on the screen when you’re supposed to yell it, like they’re trying to teach us the cheer or something. Honestly, everybody is just doing their best to ignore it at this point.” Fans were said to be relieved later in the game when the familiar plea to “Get Charged Up!” finally appeared on the Jumbotron.
Trump Maps Out Plan For First 100 Days Of Not Conceding Election #~# NEW YORK—Assuring the nation he would work quickly and tirelessly to carry out his agenda, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly issued a press statement Monday mapping out his first 100 days of not conceding the 2016 election. “I will get to work on day one questioning the final vote tally, and I promise that I will not rest during my first week until I’ve discredited Hillary Clinton’s victory with repeated accusations that she orchestrated a widespread conspiracy to steal the election,” read the message from Trump in part, which went on to note that the candidate had already assembled a team of top legal experts to help him transition to a full-time schedule of filing lawsuits against state and local election boards and major media outlets. “Within my first 10 days, I will introduce a comprehensive plan for my disgruntled supporters to march on the White House, and by day 30, I will submit a formal petition demanding Clinton’s immediate removal from office. In addition, throughout the entire 100-day period, I vow to keep the American people fully updated on my progress by continuing to appear on radio and television programs, commenting on current affairs and criticizing Clinton’s history of misconduct as if I’m still in the running to be president.” Trump added that while the first 100 days will be an important measure of his success, his vision goes far beyond those initial three months, and he looks forward to fiercely disputing the legitimacy of a Clinton presidency for the next four years.
Michael Jackson Highest-Paid Celebrity Of 2016 #~# Forbes’ annual list of the highest-paid deceased celebrities is topped by Michael Jackson, who despite having died in 2009 earned $750 million this year, more than any living celebrity, thanks to the sale of his Sony/ATV song catalog. What do you think?
Personal Space Stations To Launch In 2020 #~# Two private aerospace companies have announced 2020 plans to launch “habitat modules,” or private commercial space stations that could soon begin accommodating residents. What do you think?
Body Given False Hope With First Piece Of Fruit In 9 Days #~# DULUTH, MN—Excitedly believing the chunk of strawberry marked the beginning of a new, more nutritious diet, the body of area woman Jenny Cook was reportedly given a sense of false hope Friday after the 27-year-old consumed a piece of fruit for the first time in nine days. “Hey, look—fruit! Maybe she’s starting to turn things around,” the woman’s internal organs were reported to have thought in response to the appearance of the strawberry, allowing themselves to naively fantasize about a series of balanced, wholesome, and properly portioned meals in an act of desperate, wishful thinking. “If we get a few more of these each day, we might just be all right. You’ve got to think we’ll probably start getting some vegetables down here pretty soon too!” Sources confirmed that, moments later, Cook’s dispirited esophagus reported an incoming stream of chocolate fondue.
The Donald Trump In These Allegations Is Not The Complete Monster I Married #~# Over the last few days, a number of women have come forward to accuse my husband, presidential nominee Donald Trump, of sexually assaulting them. As the candidate’s wife, I know him better than anyone, and I want to assure voters that the Donald Trump in these allegations is not the complete monster I married.
‘This Is The Golden Age Of Television,’ Claim Executives Who Have Not Yet Made Show About Robotic Wizards #~# LOS ANGELES—Praising the expansive slate of high-quality fantasies, comedies, and period dramas currently in production while negligently overlooking a gaping hole in the entertainment landscape, cable and network executives reportedly continued to claim this week that we are living in a golden age of television despite having never made a show about robotic wizards. “The shows we’re seeing right now are incredibly smart and cinematic in scope—television has reached its pinnacle,” said profoundly ignorant HBO executive Julien Rhodes, who has yet to greenlight a show featuring an army of advanced cyborg warlocks who were created in a lab and armed with a full database of knowledge about the dark arts in order to fight evil spirits besieging our world. “You can turn on the TV any night of the week and find multiple complex, beautifully told stories on just about every subject [except robot wizards falling in love with one another, and occasionally their human creators, while fending off malevolent forces of untold power using hexes programmed into their hard drives]. We’re lucky to have access to such a breadth of exceptional programming.” Rhodes went on to assert that there was more diversity than ever on television despite the complete lack of pansexual android sorcerers named Aerio Zero.
The Longest Championship Droughts In Sports History #~# As the Chicago Cubs enter the NLCS seeking their first World Series title since 1908, Onion Sports examines the most notable championship droughts in history.
Sunny Saves Bo From Mountain Lion During Cross-Country Journey To Reunite With Obamas #~# GARDINER, MT—Fending off the large wildcat moments before it could harm her best friend, presidential pet Sunny reportedly saved fellow first dog Bo from a mountain lion attack last month as they journeyed across the country to find their way back to the Obama family.
500,000 Votes Already Cast In 2016 Election #~# New analysis confirms that as many as 500,000 people have already cast their vote in the 2016 election via absentee ballot and early voting, with turnout especially high in battleground states. What do you think?
Bob Dylan Wins Nobel Prize #~# The Nobel Committee has awarded singer-songwriter Bob Dylan the Nobel Prize in Literature “for having created new poetic expressions within the great American song tradition.” What do you think?
Idiotic Tree Keeps Trying To Plant Seeds On Sidewalk #~# PORTLAND, OR—Pointing out that the total dipshit had dropped dozens of acorns all along the length of pavement, sources confirmed Thursday that a completely idiotic tree keeps trying to plant seeds on the sidewalk. “Come on, you fucking moron, what are you doing? That’s concrete,” said local pedestrian Frank Brogden, who shook his head while pondering why the dumbshit California black oak was stupid enough to believe its saplings could grow in an area devoid of soil, nutrients, and water. “Oh, yeah, I can’t wait to see the tree sprouting right up in the middle of 5-inch-thick cement. The dirt’s that way, Einstein.” At press time, Brogden was reportedly overheard muttering “What the fuck?” under his breath as the tree attempted to plant a seed on a parked car.
Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him #~# WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him. “From day one, my internal thought processes and overall temperament have completely stacked the deck against my candidacy—it’s so obvious, folks, you can’t deny it,” said Trump, claiming that all facets of his character, from his egocentric worldview to his brash, vitriolic responses to even the smallest and most inconsequential provocations, have been colluding to ruin his chances of ever reaching the Oval Office. “Open your eyes, people! Just look at how I routinely project the fear and hatred inside of me onto others, or my total lack of impulse control, conscientiousness, and tact. My personality is doing everything—and I mean everything—to make sure I never have a chance.” Trump then reportedly vowed that no matter how many of his own character traits aligned against him, he would never let his personality stop him from becoming president, drawing raucous cheers from the crowd.
Subway Breeding Program Successfully Creates Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara Hybrid #~# MILFORD, CT—Announcing the creation of a genetically viable new menu item they said could soon appear in franchises nationwide, researchers with Subway’s sandwich breeding program revealed Thursday they had successfully developed a Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara hybrid.
Retired David Ortiz Excited To Finally Eat Whatever He Wants #~# BOSTON—Having officially entered retirement after 20 seasons in Major League Baseball, former Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz told reporters Thursday that he is excited to finally be able to eat whatever he wants. “Man, my whole career I had to stay down to between 250 and 260 pounds for the team, so it’ll be good to just let loose and go back up to my natural body weight,” said Ortiz, adding that with his playing days behind him, he no longer needs to worry about limiting himself to only two sausage pizzas and one 42-ounce party-size bag of “peanut butter N&M’s [sic]” for his usual afternoon snack. “I was starving having just a 20-egg omelet for breakfast every morning during the season, and even then it was really hard to fit into my uniform’s 46-inch waist. Now, I can eat as many lunches as I want without any of the coaches getting mad and yelling at me.” The 10-time MLB All-Star added that he also will not miss his mandatory 0.01-mile run every other Sunday.
Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter #~# JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter. “There’s really just one gender that matters to me when I’m in that voting booth,” said Swanson, noting that he always takes the time to learn the candidates’ genders before making a final decision. “Honestly, nothing else about them is going to change my vote. If they don’t have the gender I’m looking for, I just can’t support them—it’s as simple as that. It’s how I’ve always voted.” Swanson added he was very impressed by what he’d seen from the Republican nominee, and believed the candidate could make great strides in advancing the gender he cares about so much.
A Timeline Of Halloween History #~# Rooted in multiple traditions and observed in countless ways, Halloween is a beloved celebration across much of the world. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
Clown Sightings, Arrests On The Rise #~# Since August, individuals dressed as sinister clowns have prompted a rash of arrests in North America and Europe, with many sightings involving butcher knives or predatory behavior. What do you think?
Michelle Obama Throws Out A Bunch Of Barack’s Old Number 44 Jerseys #~# WASHINGTON—Using a large plastic trash bag to collect the uniforms scattered around their bedroom closet, Michelle Obama reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon throwing out many of her husband’s old number 44 jerseys. “These things are just taking up space, and I’ve never seen Barack wear this Lakers jersey anyway,” said the first lady, adding that she found a rumpled pile of her husband’s personalized San Francisco Giants and University of Alabama Crimson Tide uniforms lying in the corner. “I know he likes to wear this Spurs one when he plays basketball, but the rest are just sitting here collecting dust, and his name is starting to come off the back of some of them. I’ll just drop them off at Goodwill or something.” At press time, a panicked President Obama was frantically rummaging around the closet and demanding to know what happened to his lucky Minnesota Lynx jersey.
‘The Onion’ Is Withholding Our Endorsement For President Until Both Candidates Respond To Our Questionnaire #~# The American people are faced with a momentous choice in this election, one that this newspaper, with its 260-year record of reportage, believes to be among the most crucial in the history of our republic. Our nation is beset by grave threats, both at home and abroad. Our population is fractured and teeming with antagonism. Our economy continues to languish. Now, more than ever before, this country needs a strong and capable leader.
First Ever Male CoverGirl Model Announced #~# James Charles, a 17-year-old famous on social media for his elaborate makeup designs, has been announced as the first ever male CoverGirl model. What do you think?
Ex-Boyfriend Just Thought He’d Check In And Throw Entire Day Off #~# EUGENE, OR—Sending a text totally out of the blue after months without any communication whatsoever, your ex-boyfriend reportedly just thought he’d check in and throw your whole day off Wednesday. “Hey,” your ex wrote in the completely unprompted message that would make it impossible for you to focus on any task or conversation for the remainder of the workday and throughout the entire night. “Just thought I’d see how you’re doing [and ensure that for the next 24 hours of your life, you won’t be able to go more than a few moments without pausing whatever you’re doing to ponder what could have prompted this message, whether you should respond, and if so, how]. What’s up?” Reports indicated that your ex-boyfriend was also considering further reaching out and ruining your evening plans by leaving a voicemail for you to check as soon as you sat down for dinner with your friends.
‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90 #~# Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade #~# VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212. “We just want to test the waters here and find out whether sending 30,000 children between the ages of 5 and 18 to march toward Jerusalem carrying devotional banners and wooden crosses is something the faithful would be into,” said the director of the Holy See Press Office, Greg Burke, adding that priests around the world had been instructed to slip questions into their weekly sermons to see if the notion of dispatching vast numbers of youths to cross the Mediterranean and recover the True Cross resonated with their congregations. “I want to stress that nothing’s been planned. We just want to ask Catholics out there: Would you send your child for such an initiative? Would you be okay with them leaving for several years to convert the Muslim bands occupying the land of Christ? And how does, say, May or June of next year sound? No pressure. We’d just like to know where everyone stands on this.” Burke went on to assure parents that if they ended up going forward with such a crusade, Vatican leaders would make sure to take precautions so that no children would be tricked into boarding cargo ships, sold as slaves in North Africa, and tortured into renouncing Christ.
Sugar Could Contribute To Disease #~# While sugar’s calorie content has long been known as a contributor to obesity, a new study claims sugar has a large role in more serious illnesses such as cardiovascular disease. What do you think?
John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors #~# BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed. “It appears your time with us is almost up, Mr. Kerry,” Granovsky reportedly stated from the safety and comfort of a tufted leather chair in his faraway estate as dozens of identical images of his sneering face peered down at Kerry from all angles while the sweating U.S. cabinet official pried off the computer terminal’s housing in one final attempt to disable the mechanism. “It’s over, Mr. Secretary. I’m afraid there’s no escape this time.” Sources confirmed that with one second remaining before detonation, Kerry closed his eyes, clenched his teeth, and severed an exposed green wire.
Loss Of Parent Linked To Children’s Smoking, Drinking #~# A study found that children who experience the loss of a parent early in life, either through divorce or death, were more likely to begin smoking and drinking before their teen years. What do you think?
Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS #~# MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS. “A few days ago, out of nowhere, I was overcome by a profound sense of grace and connection to the divine, and I had this deep realization that offering up my life in service of Allah was my one true purpose and that I must abandon everything—my job, my community, my way of life—that isn’t in accordance with the tenets of Islam,” said the Islamic State combatant, explaining how he had never been particularly religious before his epiphany, but that it suddenly became clear to him in that moment that he needed to reorient his entire lifestyle so he could live in accordance with his Muslim beliefs and principles. “Before this, I was just wandering around lost, searching for meaning in such shallow things. Looking back on it now, the way I had been living before I awoke to the true meaning of the Quran seems so empty and destructive. Now, I’m living a life of faith, which is far more rewarding.” Quraishi went on to add that although undergoing such a drastic change in his life has alienated him from everyone around him, he takes solace in knowing that there is a devoted community of a billion and a half people out there who believe in the same things he does and will welcome him with open arms.
Oh, Am I Transporting You To A New World And Introducing You To Beautifully Drawn Characters, You Pussy? #~# Well, well, what do we have here? Yeah, I see you there, curled up with me open in your lap. Intently flipping through my pages. Engrossed in a story that taps into your imagination and stirs your emotions. Is that what’s happening? Am I transporting you to a whole new world full of richly textured settings and beautifully drawn characters, you pussy?
Woman Who Started Sentence With ‘Oh My God’ Really Needs To Stick Landing #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—Explaining that the pressure was on to drive this thing home after setting the bar so high right off the bat, sources reported Tuesday that local office worker Jackie Sosa really needs to stick the landing to the sentence she just began with “Oh my God.” “All I’m saying is that if you gasp out loud and then say that phrase, you better damn well be prepared to deliver,” said colleague Ellen Robinson, who stated that by going so big from the get-go, Sosa now had to bring her A-game and knock this thing out of the park. “With that kind of intro, you have no choice but to come through big time, no two ways about it. Oh, here we go! Let’s see if she’s got the goods.” At press time, Robinson was seen sighing and shaking her head in disgust after Sosa went on to talk about the ending to an episode of a television show she watched the previous night.
Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other #~# WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other. “Susan’s on another level—she could look at anyone in the room, say who they were, and trace them back to Grandpa Gene [Webb] just like that. She was telling me that Bill is my second cousin’s husband, but I don’t even know who she was talking about,” said reunion attendee Shelly Webb, confirming that her bizarre relative’s encyclopedic knowledge of the Webb family tree went back at least four generations and even included the rarely-heard-from “Anderson branch” that moved to Nebraska in 1996. “The strangest part was when I overheard her explaining to someone else who I was, where I live, and what I do for work, which is crazy because I don’t think I’d met either of them before today.” At press time, sources confirmed that Amos was tearing up while describing the wedding of some nephew nobody had ever heard of named Rick.
Wall Street Executive Telling Friend How Amazing It Is To See Clinton Live #~# NEW YORK—Telling several members of the investment bank’s board of directors how they had to check her out whenever they get a chance, Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein was overheard Monday describing to friends how incredible it is to see Hillary Clinton live. “You can forget any recordings you’ve heard of Hillary, because they don’t even compare to the experience of seeing her in person,” said Blankfein, who excitedly recounted the first time he saw the Democratic presidential nominee in a small, intimate venue back in 2013, noting how he was instantly captivated by what he was hearing and found himself nodding along throughout the 90-minute solo performance. “Honestly, I wasn’t a big fan of hers going in, but she definitely changed my mind when I heard her up there onstage. All her material was amazing. She does not disappoint.” Blankfein then reportedly assured his friends that seeing Clinton in person was worth every cent of what it costs and that they wouldn’t regret it at all.
NBC Suspends Billy Bush #~# Following the release of a 2005 recording in which Donald Trump makes lewd comments about women to Access Hollywood correspondent Billy Bush, who laughs and responds, NBC has suspended Bush from his current role at the Today show. What do you think?
Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate #~# Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims:
National Association Of Enablers To Americans: ‘C’mon’ #~# NEW YORK—Scoffing as they stood behind a podium and held out their arms with palms upturned, members of the National Association of Enablers held a press conference Monday urging Americans to c’mon.
Voter Nostalgically Looks Back At Time He Was Uninformed About Candidates #~# MILWAUKEE—Unable to hold back a smile as he reflected on the joyful, more innocent period of his life, local voter Gary Michaels, 47, took several moments Monday to look back nostalgically at a time when he was uninformed about the 2016 presidential candidates, sources confirmed. “That was a simpler time, a better time, back when I didn’t know the first thing about the nominees’ beliefs or personal histories,” said Michaels, slowly shaking his head in wistful recollection before adding that he had been a much more cheerful and carefree individual in those bygone days before he had heard any soundbites about private email servers, Muslim bans, leaked Wall Street speeches, or Alicia Machado. “I really had no idea how lucky I was. Boy, I’d do just about anything to go back to that time when I couldn’t even tell you what these people stood for, let alone who they may have taken money from or sexually assaulted. But you can’t go back. You just can’t.” At press time, a misty-eyed Michaels was seen encouraging family members under the age of 18 to truly savor those precious years before they could vote, reminding them that it’s the most wonderful time of their lives.
Obama Approval Rating At All-Time High #~# A new CNN/ORC poll puts President Obama’s approval rating at 55 percent, a record high for his second term. What do you think?
MLB Mascots Union Demands More Bald Fans To Playfully Tease Between Innings #~# NEW YORK—Threatening to strike next season unless their conditions were immediately met, the MLB mascots union issued a statement Monday demanding more bald fans to playfully tease between innings. “We ask Commissioner Rob Manfred and the MLB organization to guarantee that going forward, our stadiums feature at least double the number of bald fans whom we can rib in a light-hearted fashion during game breaks by polishing their heads as though they were bowling balls,” read a statement signed by all 35 members of the Major League Baseball Mascots Association, which went on to stress that their terms are “non-negotiable.” “If the league fails to provide a significant increase of middle-aged, preferably chubby men whose bald heads we can pretend to use as a mirror with which to admire our reflections, we will have no choice but to refuse to sign a new collective bargaining agreement. Furthermore, until our demands are met, all members of our organization will cease pulling up fans to dance with on top of the dugout, stealing the hats of umpires, or leaning in for a kiss on the cheek from a woman in the stands. We warn you: Do not test our resolve in this matter.” At press time, Chicago police had reportedly been called after a physical altercation had broken out between Wrigley Field security and a group of protesters led by Mr. Met, Billy the Marlin, and the Milwaukee Brewers’ Racing Sausages.
Confused Audience Member At Town Hall Debate Asking About City’s New Stoplights #~# ST. LOUIS—Insisting the signaling devices posed a safety threat to the local community, a confused audience member at Sunday night’s presidential town hall debate reportedly questioned the nominees about the city’s new traffic lights. “Those new stoplights they put in near downtown never work right, and I want to know if there’s a plan to do something about it,” said the misguided man, before stating to the two frontrunners for president of the United States that someone needed to be held accountable for the traffic backups the signal was causing. “The yellow lights on them go by way too quick. It’s hard to tell if you should stop or not. On top of that, the new ones they put in at Tucker and Washington were on the fritz the other day, and that’s a busy intersection. Somebody needs to fix them.” At press time, the same audience member was reportedly interrupting Donald Trump’s criticism of the Iran nuclear deal to ask a follow-up question about a big pothole on Truman Parkway.
Town Hall Audience Member Asks Clinton To Quickly Pivot Away From His Question And Then State Her Platform #~# ST. LOUIS—Standing up from his seat and addressing the Democratic presidential nominee during Sunday night’s town hall debate, audience member Lewis Sherman, 46, reportedly asked Hillary Clinton to quickly pivot away from answering his original question and then spend the remainder of her time laying out her entire platform. “Secretary Clinton, I was wondering if you could momentarily acknowledge that my question was about school choice, then turn on a dime and launch into a reiteration of some entirely unrelated parts of your platform that you’d prefer to discuss,” said Sherman, who began his remarks by thanking both candidates for taking the time to carefully consider how to loosely connect his question to any scripted talking points they wanted to cover next. “As an undecided voter, I want to hear you give a passing mention to my question and then, almost immediately, do a complete 180 into a full-throated attack on your opponent. The half a sentence you devote to answering my question will be crucial in helping me determine who to vote for in November.” At press time, Clinton had thanked Sherman for such a good question about school vouchers and was currently detailing her strong opposition to the Trans-Pacific Partnership.
Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close #~# ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close. “Oh God, look at them—I think I’m gonna be sick,” said the visibly woozy and uncomfortable Trump, repeatedly pausing his introductory remarks to double over and retch uncontrollably as he looked out upon the dozens of average American men and women seated just a few feet from him. “Here it comes. Hurrghh, hurrrghh, huhhleeggah. Those faces—those horrible faces. Huuuhhhllghghh.” Trump was reportedly able to pull himself together after firmly shutting his eyes and keeping them closed for the duration of the debate.
Weird Debate Viewer Using Tonight To Inform Herself About Candidates’ Policy Stances #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Looking on in bewilderment as the woman paid close attention to each answer provided by Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, sources confirmed Sunday that weird debate viewer Hayley Polantz was using tonight’s town hall forum to inform herself about the nominees’ policy positions. “I think it’s important to hear where both candidates stand on the issues so I can make an educated choice when I vote,” said the wildly eccentric Polantz, whose plan for the evening reportedly involved listening carefully to the proposals put forth by each candidate and then considering how closely their stated views on the economy, foreign policy, and criminal justice aligned with her own. “Hopefully, Hillary will talk more about her plan for free college tuition and Trump will clarify his ideas for curbing illegal immigration. I haven’t seen too much about either of their tax plans, but once they lay those out, that should give me a better idea of who I’m going to support in November.” Sources reported that the bizarre viewer went on to make an even more outlandish claim, stating that if there were any policy areas the candidates didn’t touch upon during the night’s debate, she would go online and read up on them in more specific detail.
Anderson Cooper Begins Debate By Giving Trump Opportunity To Explain What The Fuck Is Wrong With Him #~# ST. LOUIS—Saying he hoped the Republican nominee could clear up the matter for American voters, moderator Anderson Cooper reportedly began the second presidential debate Sunday night by giving Donald Trump the opportunity to explain exactly what the fuck is wrong with him. “I’d like to start tonight’s proceedings by asking you, Mr. Trump, to explicitly lay out to the American people what the hell is fucking wrong with you?” said Cooper, adding that it would be helpful if the business magnate would expound on the specifics of why in God’s fucking name he says what he says and behaves the way he does, and how he could even begin to think that’s okay. “You are not a mentally well person, and there is clearly something very, very wrong with you on the most basic and fundamental level, so please, if you would, shed some light on what in holy hell is going on inside your fucking skull. I mean, for fuck’s sake.” At press time, Trump was reportedly shouting over both Cooper and Hillary Clinton as his two-minute response time had elapsed without him coming close to finishing his explanation of how fucked-up he is.
GOP Leaders’ Daughters: ‘It’s Pretty Fucked Up If We’re The Only Reason You’re Denouncing Trump’s Statements’ #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they felt physically sickened by the notion that the lewd and disturbing comments weren’t enough to draw harsh condemnation on their own, the daughters of the nation’s GOP leaders reportedly stated Sunday that it’s “pretty fucked up” if they are the only reason their fathers are denouncing Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s recently unearthed remarks about assaulting women. “Do you know how fucking twisted it is if you’re only speaking out about the Trump video because you watched it and then thought of us and only then realized these were unacceptable things to say? Are you fucking kidding me?” said the daughters of numerous leading Republican figures, including vice presidential nominee Mike Pence, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, Sen. Ted Cruz, former Florida governor Jeb Bush, and Sen. John Cornyn, adding that you would have to be “a real piece of shit” to be okay with these statements otherwise. “So let me get this straight: You wouldn’t have recognized this was disgusting, criminal behavior before we were born or—oh, God—if we were your sons instead of your daughters? That’s even more fucking horrifying to think about. Jesus, Dad, you need to figure some shit out.” At press time, the daughters of GOP leaders were wondering why the fuck their fathers apparently hadn’t thought of them even once when denouncing women’s reproductive rights.
Damning Video Surfaces Of Trump Accepting GOP Nomination For President #~# WASHINGTON—Following on the heels of other troubling revelations that have forced a growing number of Republican leaders to distance themselves from the embattled candidate, a damning video reportedly surfaced Sunday morning showing Donald Trump accepting the GOP nomination for president. “The video that emerged this morning is extremely damaging, as the audio clearly captures Mr. Trump speaking the phrase ‘I humbly and gratefully accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States’—there’s no walking this one back,” said an anonymous GOP official of the incriminating recording from July 2016, admitting that he did not believe anyone in his party could reasonably defend what occurred in the footage. “The video itself is pretty hard to watch, it’s so disturbing. While most of the party’s leadership has long tried to act as if this is all normal, having the physical evidence of him actually saying something like that, it makes it impossible for us to deny the truth about him. We can’t have something this harmful and offensive hanging over our party before an election.” At press time, a chorus of high-profile Republicans was calling on Trump to apologize for and take back his remark.
Trump: ‘I Know That Was Pretty Bad, But Let’s Just Say You’re Going To Want To Save Your Energy’ #~# NEW YORK—Advising pundits, reporters, and the general public to rein in their indignation for the time being, Republican nominee Donald Trump admitted Friday that he knew his recently unearthed comments about groping women and attempting to engage them in extramarital affairs were pretty bad, but that everyone “should really save [their] energy” for what he was going to say next. “I’m fully aware that what I was recorded saying about using my celebrity status to sexually assault women is extremely vile and disturbing, but I want you to know that you’re really best saving your outrage and disgust for some thoughts I still haven’t verbalized yet, believe me,” said Trump, noting that if everyone worked themselves into a frenzy at his assertion that he couldn’t help but make aggressive advances on every woman he finds physically attractive or his use of the phrase “grab them by the pussy,” they simply wouldn’t have the stamina to denounce a series of forthcoming statements that the candidate assured would be even more reprehensible. “Look, I get it. What I said, frankly, should not be accepted in civil society, let alone by a major party candidate for president of the United States, but we’ve got another whole month until the election—I’m going to say a lot more unconscionably repulsive things. Trust me, you will be much more sick to your stomach with the stuff I’m going to say after this. It’s going to be so, so revolting.” At press time, Trump was standing at 44 percent in the national polls.
Michelle Obama Updates White House Garden #~# The White House Kitchen Garden, a 2,800-square-foot area for growing produce and a cornerstone of Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” campaign, was updated this week with a plaque and permanent stone fixtures, making it a more firmly established part of the property. What do you think?
Poll Finds 30% Of Americans Still Undecided Whether To Vote Out Of Fear Or Spite #~# ASBURY PARK, NJ—Revealing that a significant portion of the electorate has yet to make up their minds just one month out from Election Day, a Rasmussen Reports poll released Friday showed that 30 percent of Americans are still undecided about whether they will be voting out of fear or spite. “I’ve been going back and forth for a while now—on the one hand, blind terror has resonated with me throughout this election cycle, but then every so often I’ll hear one of the candidate’s speeches and think that maybe I should cast my ballot out of pure contempt for them, so it’s been really difficult,” said Isaac Anthony, a 34-year-old claims adjuster from Sparks, NV, echoing the sentiments of 43 million registered voters for whom selecting between sheer enmity toward a particular presidential nominee and a deep-seated sense of dread at four years under the other candidate had failed to yield a clear-cut choice. “Usually, I always vote fear, but this election could be different—I’ve never felt so strongly about choosing resentment before. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll know for sure until I’m standing in the voting booth.” The poll also found that millions of undecided Americans were considering the possibility of ignoring fear and spite altogether and instead casting their vote out of utter despair.
Disturbing MLB Postseason Commercial Claims October Is When The Maggots Feast On Rotting Pig Flesh #~# NEW YORK—Featuring various clips from past playoff games and what appears to be an abandoned slaughterhouse, a disturbing new MLB postseason commercial that began airing Friday claims October is when the maggots feast on rotting pig flesh. “October: when the best in baseball go head-to-head, when true champions rise above, when worms gorge themselves on befouled meat of the filthy swine,” the commercial’s narrator says as footage of Giants pitcher Madison Bumgarner delivering a fastball and Cubs slugger Kris Bryant sliding into home plate slowly fade to a close-up of larvae infesting a dead pig’s exposed entrails and horseflies swarming the eyeball of a decomposing boar carcass. “The maggots will bloat as they feed, pulsating in a symphony of decay and ruin. A corrosive stench will burn the air and poison the lungs. And when the pig blood is drained and the vermin scatter, Earth will reclaim the naked, desiccated bones. This is October.” The ad then concludes with the narrator instructing viewers to “Catch the postseason on Fox and TBS” as the MLB logo is superimposed over a pile of severed pig heads.
Presidential Commission Announces No Candidates Met Threshold To Compete In Second Debate #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the event had been officially canceled and would not be rescheduled, the Commission on Presidential Debates announced this morning that no candidates had met the threshold to compete in Sunday night’s scheduled town hall forum. “The Board has chosen to suspend this weekend’s debate at Washington University in St. Louis after determining that none of the candidates on the ballot garnered enough public support to qualify,” read a statement released by the commission, adding that all third-party candidates and both major-party nominees had failed to surpass the required polling numbers in even a single officially recognized poll, let alone the required average across all of them. “While a difficult decision, it is important that we reserve the debate stage and time for only those candidates who have demonstrated significant national interest. As always, the criteria will be reapplied for the final debate on October 19, providing each candidate with the opportunity to take the stage should they ultimately reach the required threshold.” At press time, the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns had both released statements arguing that, while a minority of the nation’s voters, their supporters deserved to have a voice on the national stage.
Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant #~# By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
Tips For Meeting Your Girlfriend’s Parents #~# Brought to you by Speed Stick
DOT Aims To End Traffic Deaths In 30 Years #~# The Department of Transportation is rolling out a “Road to Zero” campaign that aims to eliminate traffic deaths on American roads within 30 years. What do you think?
Mall Of America To Close For Thanksgiving #~# Minnesota’s Mall of America has decided this year to remain closed on Thanksgiving and not open until Black Friday, encouraging workers and shoppers alike to spend the holiday with family. What do you think?
Authorities Urge Florida Residents To Prevent Further Disasters By Finally Standing Up To Hurricane #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying they had put up with the destruction inflicted by gale-force winds and storm surges for much too long, government officials urged Florida residents Thursday to put an end to disasters once and for all by standing up to Hurricane Matthew. “No more running; no more hiding—it’s time for Floridians to come together in solidarity and confront this Category 4 storm head-on by finally saying ‘Enough is enough,’” said Florida governor Rick Scott, stressing that the state’s residents would no longer let themselves be pushed around by violent tropical cyclones and noting that it was long past due for them to put on a brave face, stand firm against the 140-mph gusts, and show the massive rotating storm systems that they would not be intimidated. “If we ever want our state to be safe and secure, we cannot simply cower in fear inside evacuation centers every time we’re threatened by high winds and 20 inches of rain. Eventually, we must stand tall, look these tropical cyclones right in the eye, and tell them to stop right now.” Authorities added that if strongly worded language did not prove sufficient, citizens should be prepared to use physical force to fight the hurricane.
CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela #~# Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens
How The Debates Can Be Improved #~# Many voters and journalists have criticized this election season’s debates for their lack of substance and fact-checking. The Onion presents some ways the debates can be improved:
Trump Surrogate Enjoying Thrill Of Not Knowing What She Going To Be Defending Minute To Minute #~# NEW YORK—Telling reporters she likes to be kept on her toes, Donald Trump surrogate Kayleigh McEnany said Thursday she has been enjoying the thrill of never knowing what comment or behavior she is going to be defending minute to minute. “Every time I sit down for an interview on cable news or a radio call-in show, I really have no clue whether I’ll need to offer an impassioned defense of disparaging remarks Mr. Trump made about a specific woman’s physical attributes, a blanket statement about an entire ethnic group, or a speech calling for an unconstitutional immigration policy—it really keeps things exciting,” said McEnany, explaining that she was thankful her job gave her such a wide variety of inflammatory statements to spin as positives and didn’t simply consist of walking back the same stale scandals day after day. “The possibilities are truly endless in this position. I could be on Anderson Cooper 360° defusing Mr. Trump’s latest impulsive remarks on anything from nuclear proliferation to criminal justice, and then just an hour or two later on CNN Tonight, I might need to explain away a series of antagonistic and barely comprehensible tweets targeting a particular journalist or politician that I read right before going on-air. Every day is a new adventure.” McEnany added that despite the challenges of her role, it was comforting to know she could respond to any question by claiming that Hillary Clinton is deathly ill.
New Study Finds Most Of Earth’s Landmass Will Be Phoenix Suburb By 2050 #~# SYRACUSE, NY—Forecasting the continued rapid growth of the metropolitan area in the coming decades, a study published Thursday by researchers at Syracuse University has found that the majority of Earth’s landmass will be Phoenix suburbs by 2050. “Projecting present growth trends forward, we were able to determine that 35 years from now, the suburban area surrounding Phoenix, AZ will have expanded to occupy nearly 70 percent of all land on Earth, or roughly 137 million square miles across six continents,” said study co-author Grace Parsons, explaining that the entire land area of North America would be subsumed by the suburban sprawl spreading out from Scottsdale by 2030, while new subdivisions on the outskirts of Glendale and Litchfield Park would continue expanding westward, crossing the Pacific Ocean and encompassing most of Asia over the following decade. “By the time the suburbs extend into the Southern Hemisphere in about 30 years, over two-thirds of Earth’s land will be counted among the working-class towns, affluent neighborhoods, commercial districts, and bedroom communities encircling Phoenix.” The researchers warned, however, that a lack of adequate transportation infrastructure in the Phoenix metro area could create problems for workers driving in from the suburbs, estimating that traffic congestion during rush hour could add as much as 1,200 to 1,400 hours to their daily commutes.
Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach #~# DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach. “We used a combination of selective breeding and genetic modification methods to engineer a new type of peach that just gushes all over your face the second you bite into it,” said head researcher Margot Corman, adding that the peach variety is so slushy that the flesh of the ripened fruit instantly liquefies in your palm, causing the juice to run all the way down your arms and drip from your elbows. “The peach is so wet and mushy that the skin just slides off, and the whole fruit loses its form and turns into a puddle of glop if squeezed.” The scientists confirmed that the sweet, oozing fruit is best consumed over a sink while shirtless.
Brain-Training Games Don’t Build Cognition #~# A review of so-called brain-training games found that rather than strengthening cognition as they claim, they only hone the specific tasks within each game, such as matching colors or strings of letters. What do you think?
U.S.–Russia Relations At 40-Year Low #~# Following the Russian hack of American emails and failed negotiations to pause the war in Syria, experts estimate that U.S.–Russia relations are as low as they were at the peak of the Cold War. What do you think?
Man Wakes From Coma With Ability To Understand Health Insurance Policy #~# PARKER, CO—In what doctors are calling a true medical miracle, local construction worker Kal Mathyssen awoke from a week-long coma early Wednesday with the ability to fully comprehend his health insurance plan, sources at Parker Adventist Hospital confirmed.
Bees Gain Endangered Status For First Time #~# The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has given endangered status to seven species of Hawaiian yellow-faced bees whose population has dwindled due to nonnative plant and animal species and increased urbanization. What do you think?
Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage #~# MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving. “I’m pretty sure I’m not relaxed enough, and I’m definitely not unclenching my muscles all the way—jeez, I’m doing terribly at this,” the 27-year-old reportedly thought to herself as she lay facedown on the massage table, repeatedly second-guessing whether or not she was breathing too loudly while also feeling deeply self-conscious about her unshaven legs. “Maybe I should make a sighing noise to let the masseuse know she’s doing a good job, unless that would seem condescending. God, this is really stressing me out.” When asked by the massage therapist if the pressure being applied to her back felt good, Leigh reportedly nodded vigorously and said that the crushing pain she felt all down her spine was “perfect.”
If You Want To Achieve Enlightenment, You’re Gonna Have To Go Through Me #~# I believe the best way for us to grow as human beings is to free ourselves from the anxieties and attachments of daily life. If we pursue practices and rituals that lead toward a oneness with existence, if we devote ourselves to mindfulness and meditation, then the cultivation of harmony is available to us all. However, if it is true spiritual enlightenment that you seek, you’re gonna have to get past me first.
Mike Pence Brings Wife Up Onstage To Help Demonstrate How Much Contact Appropriate Before Marriage #~# FARMVILLE, VA—While explaining the virtues of traditional family values during Tuesday’s vice presidential debate, Republican nominee Mike Pence reportedly called his wife, Karen, up onstage so that the pair could demonstrate how much physical contact is appropriate before marriage. “In order to preserve the moral character of this great country, it’s important that everyone knows what behavior is and is not acceptable for unwed couples, so allow me and Karen to show you: A light pat on the shoulder is okay, strolling hand-in-hand is okay, and brief hugging is okay too, so long as it’s kept to less than a two-Mississippi count,” said Pence, performing each act with his wife of 31 years on the dais at Longwood University while reminding viewers they should remember to “keep the embrace above the waist” with no lower-body contact whatsoever. “But maybe many Americans out there have got a gal who they’ve been steady with for quite some time. In that case, a little peck on the cheek—like this—is fine now and again. Did you see how that was done very quickly, with lips tightly closed? Remember, though, under no circumstances should you be dancing together. You save that until after the union has been sanctified.” At press time, Pence was reportedly showing the audience how couples should behave after marriage by nodding in recognition at his wife’s assistance and then firmly instructing her to quietly sit back down in her seat.
Moderator Reminds Vice Presidential Debate Audience To Remain Silent When Exiting Early #~# FARMVILLE, VA—Halting the candidates’ exchange briefly to remind those in attendance to behave in a respectful and courteous manner, moderator Elaine Quijano reportedly instructed the vice presidential debate audience Tuesday to remain completely silent while exiting early. “I would like to remind everyone that they should be as quiet as possible while they gather their things, and to please refrain from talking or using your phones as you leave the auditorium so that viewers can hear the nominees’ remarks,” said Quijano before urging those who remained in the crowd to stifle their yawns until after the candidates completed their closing statements. “It’s crucial that you stay in a single-file line and make sure to keep moving in an orderly fashion so the aisles are clear for others attempting to leave their seats. And please abstain from slamming the door so as not to disturb those audience members who are sleeping.” Quijano added that any debate staff planning to duck out early should make sure to use the backstage doors to avoid interrupting the broadcast.
Moderator Sternly Issues Final Warning For Tim Kaine To Stop Playing With Microphone #~# FARMVILLE, VA—Admonishing the Virginia senator for repeatedly interrupting his opponent’s responses, CBS News moderator Elaine Quijano sternly issued a final warning to Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine roughly 30 minutes into Tuesday’s debate to stop playing around with his microphone. “For the last time, Senator Kaine, when Governor Pence is speaking, please refrain from making any sounds like a dog, race car, or monkey into the microphone,” said Quijano, appearing visibly exasperated after the Democrat, who had previously been reprimanded for swinging the microphone around by the cord and calling it his “grappling hook,” declared loudly in a monotone voice, “I am a robot named Tim, beep bop beep,” and then proceeded to lick the microphone like an ice cream cone. “The microphone is for delivering remarks—okay, get that out of your mouth right now. Now, Senator Kaine.” At press time, sources confirmed the vice presidential nominee was crouching behind the lectern with his eyes tightly closed to hide from the moderator.
Pence Relaxes Onstage By Imagining Entire Debate Audience Burning In Hell #~# FARMVILLE, VA—Taking a deep breath and reminding himself to focus on his visualization exercises, Republican nominee Mike Pence reportedly calmed his nerves during Tuesday night’s vice presidential debate by imagining the entire audience burning in hell. “It’s okay, Mike; it doesn’t matter that tens of millions of people are watching—just collect your thoughts for a second, look out at everyone in the crowd, and picture each one of them being flayed alive as their skinless bodies boil in a lake of unquenchable fire,” the Indiana governor reportedly thought to himself, noting that, so long as he envisioned those in attendance being repeatedly impaled on pikes and disemboweled by hordes of demons, all his anxieties would melt away, and he could focus on delivering his responses with calmness and composure. “Just imagine the swarms of hungry maggots pouring from their orifices and the blackened flesh sloughing off their charred bodies. Good, good. Now, picture [moderator] Elaine [Quijano] being set upon by dozens of venomous asps as she screams in agony for all eternity. That’s it; perfect. You got this, Mike.” At press time, a visibly relaxed Pence was confidently explaining why women’s health services should be permanently defunded.
Voters Tune Into VP Debate To Find Out What Race Would Look Like If This Was Normal Election Year #~# FARMVILLE, VA—Seeking a brief respite from the unpredictable and unprecedented circumstances of the 2016 presidential election, voters across the country reportedly tuned into the vice presidential debate Tuesday night to find out what the race would have looked like if this were a normal election year. “After everything we’ve seen and heard this year, it’s going to be kind of a nice change of pace to turn on the VP debate tonight and watch a couple stiff, gray-haired politicians deliver canned answers in a restrained tone of voice like this was a regular presidential election,” said Prescott, AZ voter Juan Morales, 51, who, like millions of other citizens, expressed interest in catching a brief glimpse of the kind of by-the-numbers race the country would be in the midst of right now if this were almost any other time in American history. “Nobody’s going to be yelling or going on wild tangents about the other candidate’s personal life, and there certainly won’t be any talk of breaking down any historic social barriers. Just two nearly indistinguishable old men saying fairly measured things and trying to avoid gaffes. Boy, it’s going to bring back a lot of memories of all the other presidential races in my lifetime.” The nation’s voters added that, given how tonight’s exchange would assuredly unfold like a normal presidential debate from any other election season, they were looking forward to losing interest halfway through and changing the channel to something else.
Tearful Tim Kaine Wandering Around Backstage At Debate Asking If Anyone Has Seen His Running Mate #~# FARMVILLE, VA—Calling out her name while frantically searching the theater’s wings, a tearful Senator Tim Kaine was reportedly wandering around backstage before the vice presidential debate Tuesday asking if anyone had seen his running mate, Hillary Clinton. “Did anyone see a blond lady who is running for president? I can’t find her,” said the clearly distressed Kaine, who explained between sobs that he had grabbed a woman’s hand in the backstage area before realizing that it didn’t belong to the Democratic presidential nominee. “She was right here a second ago. Where’d she go? When I came back from that room that has cookies and water in it, she was gone. Oh no, do you think she forgot all about me? I really want her to come back.” At press time, moderator Elaine Quijano was making an announcement over the public address system to inform Clinton that Kaine was lost.
Doctors’ Political Views Could Impact Patient Care #~# A new Yale study suggests that when doctors are presented with politically charged health care issues like marijuana use or abortion, their recommendations could be influenced by their own political leanings. What do you think?
‘The Onion’ Has Obtained Donald Trump’s Tax Returns And Has Chosen To Destroy Them #~# Our country stands at a pivotal inflection point, just five weeks out from a presidential election with wide-reaching implications. With the two leading candidates providing starkly different visions for this country, it is incumbent upon the American people to evaluate the nominees’ stances on the issues and appraise their characters with care and precision. The American people must do so fairly and impartially, without any undue influence or distraction.
Nation’s Women Fantasize About Some Future Election That Isn’t Absolutely Pivotal To Their Well-Being #~# WASHINGTON—Saying it’s nice sometimes to let their imaginations run wild, the nation’s female voters told reporters Tuesday they have been fantasizing a lot lately about some far-off presidential election in the future that is not absolutely crucial to their well-being. “It would be really nice if, someday, my basic rights and day-to-day happiness are not entirely determined by the outcome of one vote,” said 29-year-old Olivia Holden of Newton, MA, who admitted that she, like women across the country, had been regularly daydreaming about what it might be like to cast a ballot in an election in which the opportunities available to her did not hinge on the result. “Can you imagine if, no matter who won, I still felt like an equal member of society and comfortable in my own skin? That would be amazing. It’s kind of fun to imagine.” At press time, the nation’s women’s daydreams were broken by the sound of breaking news push notifications on their phones alerting them to the latest national poll results showing a tightening race.
Pence Aide Encourages Candidate To Try Some More Happy-Looking Scowls During Debate #~# FARMVILLE, VA—Explaining that the extra bit of effort would go a long way in helping the candidate improve his appeal among voters, a top campaign aide to Governor Mike Pence reportedly encouraged the Republican nominee to try out some more happy-looking scowls for the vice presidential debate Tuesday. “Maybe tonight you can try to scowl with a bit more joy just to show people you’re excited to be here and looking forward to discussing the issues,” said senior Pence advisor Nick Ayers, adding that a more carefree grimace or cheerier stern glare would allow the candidate to show off his lighter side and help him connect with potential supporters. “Think of the kind of frown you’d have while watching your child perform at a school recital, or maybe the way you pleasantly glowered when you saw your wife on your wedding day. Just try to put a more exuberant sneer on your face—that will really resonate with people.” According to sources, Ayers later decided Pence should actually just stick with his regular scowl, as watching the Indiana governor attempt to appear more gleeful just made him look that much scarier.
Brexit To Begin Next March #~# British Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that the United Kingdom will begin its exit from the European Union in March 2017, with plans to be fully independent by 2019. What do you think?
LeBron James Endorses Hillary Clinton #~# NBA All-Star LeBron James writes in the Akron Business Journal this week that he will vote for Hillary Clinton, calling her the only candidate who can provide opportunity to children from poor backgrounds. What do you think?
How The Candidates Are Preparing For The Vice Presidential Debate #~# Vice presidential candidates Mike Pence and Tim Kaine will face off in a debate Tuesday evening. Here’s how each candidate is prepping for the event:
Mike Pence Training For Vice Presidential Debate By Hitting Punching Bag With Climate Change Study Taped On Front #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Appearing intently focused and grunting loudly as he put all his weight behind each hook and jab, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence was reportedly seen Monday training for the upcoming vice presidential debate by repeatedly striking a punching bag with an Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change study taped to the front of it. “You’re going down,” said Pence, clad in a sweat-soaked tank top and nylon trunks as he clapped his boxing gloves together, cranked up the stereo system in the basement of the Indiana governor’s residence, and began pummeling the 32-page summary of climate change statistics and policy recommendations that was taped to the 150-pound hanging training bag. “Come on, is that all you got? You can’t stop me. I will wreck you.” After finishing up the environmental portion of his debate preparation, Pence reportedly switched to a speed bag with the Roe v. Wade ruling affixed to it.
Superstitious Clinton Refusing To Change Her Beliefs Following Hot Streak In Polls #~# NEW YORK—Telling staff members she was “on a roll” and didn’t want to “jinx it,” a superstitious Hillary Clinton reportedly stated Monday that as long as her ongoing hot streak in the polls continues, she’s not going to change a single one of her beliefs. “I’ve been on fire for the past week, so I’m just going to stick with all the current political convictions I’ve got right now and see how far this takes me,” said the Democratic presidential nominee, noting that when a platform of a $12-an-hour minimum wage, opposition to the Trans-Pacific Partnership, and ending mass incarceration is paying off in the polls, you don’t “tempt fate” by switching up even one of your principles. “Maybe I’ll get back to changing my views again if my luck runs out and Trump regains an edge in swing states, but until then, you better get used to me holding the same firm stances against the Keystone XL pipeline and for tight federal gun control measures.” As of press time, a new poll out of Nevada had reportedly prompted Clinton to consider slipping into her lucky old position on illegal immigration.
New Emergency Wireless Alerts Proposed #~# Following confusion over a vague text blasted to Brooklyn-area phones about Chelsea bombing suspect Ahmad Rahami, the FCC will soon debut changes to the Wireless Emergency Alert system, including photo capabilities and increased character limit. What do you think?
Report: 50% Of Heaven’s Population Just Assholes Who Begged For Forgiveness At Last Second #~# WASHINGTON—According to an alarming new report published Monday, roughly half the population of Heaven is composed of total assholes who begged for God’s forgiveness at the last moment before dying. “Our data show that 50 percent of the inhabitants of the Heavenly Kingdom were total pricks and sleazebags on Earth who waited until their very final breath to plead with God for mercy,” said report co-author Janet Ryder, adding that a survey of celestial records confirmed that one of every two residents of the eternal paradise willfully lived sinful existences and shamelessly committed immoral acts before seeking clemency in the closing seconds of their lives. “What we found particularly interesting is that those who truly committed themselves to God by leading lives of virtue and doing good works are actually outnumbered by hate-filled scoundrels, petty criminals, and murderers who humbled themselves before the Lord and turned from their wicked ways at the last possible moment to con their way into Heaven.” The report also confirmed that 28 percent of the inhabitants of Hell had only sinned once or twice but never had an opportunity to repent.
Wade Phillips Spends Game In Front Of Sideline Mist Machine With Mouth Open #~# TAMPA, FL—Holding his tongue out while standing several inches away from the device, Denver Broncos defensive coordinator Wade Phillips reportedly spent most of Sunday’s game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in front of the team’s sideline mist machine with his mouth open. “Mmm, that hits the spot,” said Phillips, who at one point stopped several defensive players from sitting down in front of the machine, saying that he was “not done drinking yet.” “I always get really thirsty during games, so this is perfect. Can you believe they give us all this tasty air water for free?” At press time, Phillips was shuffling side to side in order to follow the stream of mist as the machine oscillated.
Study: Tennis Leads To Longer Life #~# A decade-long study tracking adults’ fitness habits found that those who played racket sports like tennis, badminton, or squash were 47 percent less likely to die during the study. What do you think?
Dinner Party Conducting Full-Scale Investigation To Determine If Tip Was Included #~# SAN DIEGO—Carefully examining the bill for any fragment of conclusive evidence, a local dinner party at Mitch’s Seafood restaurant conducted a full-scale investigation Tuesday night to determine if the tip was included in the check. “It feels like it’s already part of the total, right?” said principal investigator Victor Rodriguez, attempting to decipher the cryptic item codes at the bottom of the receipt before passing the document around to several of his fellow detectives for further review, one of whom ran a rough quantitative analysis by adding up the cost of all the items in his head and comparing that to the amount they were charged. “Did anyone see anything about the gratuity policy on the menu? Don’t they always add it when there’s more than six people? Or does it have to be eight?” After successfully closing the case, the team then conducted another thorough probe minutes later to determine why, after everyone had pitched in money to cover the bill, they were still several dollars short.
Obama Finally Fulfills Campaign Promise To Spend One Night In Abandoned Amusement Park #~# CEDAR PLAINS, PA—After years of delays and mounting criticism from voters and political pundits, President Barack Obama finally followed through on a campaign promise he made in 2008 to spend one night alone in the abandoned Cedar Plains Family Fun amusement park, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Parents Wish Weak-Willed Daughter Would Push Back Against Violin Lessons Just A Little #~# ARDMORE, PA—Expressing frustration at how she continues to remain silent and passively go along with whatever they say, the parents of Olivia Edison, 10, told reporters Wednesday they wish their weak-willed daughter would push back even just a little against the violin lessons they make her take. “Jeez, what’s wrong with her? She hasn’t said one thing about how she doesn’t like the violin or how she hates having to practice her scales every day—what a little pushover,” said Olivia’s mother, Nicole Edison, 41, lamenting the fact that her cowardly daughter has yet to mutter an aggravated comment under her breath or roll her eyes at her parents even once despite a demanding schedule of weekend classes and out-of-town recitals that would elicit considerable resistance from a less gutless child. “We made her rehearse for two hours yesterday, and she just sat there taking it without even a sigh of annoyance. She needs to grow a goddamn backbone and ask to go play with her friends once in a while, for Christ’s sake. It’s pathetic.” Olivia’s mother then shook her head and added that if her daughter wasn’t able to confront her parents now about the violin, she was never going to be brave enough to mount even a tepid protest when they eventually push her into majoring in pre-med.
California Weighs Ban On Lawyer-Client Relations #~# California’s state bar association is examining its ethics standards to determine whether lawyers should be banned from sleeping with clients, a measure that some say is a violation of fundamental privacy rights. What do you think?
Charleston Shooter To Represent Self In Court #~# Dylann Roof, who shot and killed nine worshippers at a Charleston church in 2015, has been deemed mentally fit to stand trial and has chosen to represent himself in the case. What do you think?
Man To Continue Slowly Drifting Into Middle Of Restaurant Until Host Redirects Him #~# SCITUATE, RI—Finding no one waiting to greet him upon entering the restaurant Monday afternoon, local man Adam Peretti reportedly planned to continue slowly drifting toward the middle of Sidney’s Bistro until a host redirected him to a seat. “Someone’s going to see me eventually and point me in the right direction,” the 31-year-old reportedly thought to himself as he took several tentative steps into the dining area, scanning his surroundings for an employee who might come to his aid before shuffling several feet farther toward the center of the establishment. “If I spend enough time just wandering between the booths with a puzzled look on my face, someone’s bound to come over to me, right? Man, I really hope somebody notices me soon—I’ve already passed two tables.” Sources confirmed that Peretti reached the exact midpoint of the restaurant moments later, at which point, having yet to be approached by an employee, he reportedly opted to slowly turn around in a circle with his brow furrowed.
Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life! #~# As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
India Aims For Cashless Society #~# Indian prime minister Narendra Modi has banned the 500 and 1,000 rupee notes from circulation with the aim of moving toward a cashless society, an attempt to modernize India and target corruption. What do you think?
Fidel Castro Dies #~# Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, a divisive figure seen as both a ruthless revolutionary and a socialist leader against American imperialism, has passed away at age 90. What do you think?
How To Throw The Perfect Surprise Party #~# A surprise party is a nice gesture for a friend or family member, but pulling one off requires careful planning and commitment. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing a surprise party:
Study: Depression Up Among Teenage Girls Able To Perceive Any Part Of World Around Them #~# WALTHAM, MA—Calling it nothing short of a mental health crisis for the group, a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that depression was up sharply among teenage girls able to perceive any part of the world around them. “Our research has shown a significant increase in anxiety and depression among 13- to 19-year-old girls who are capable of taking in stimuli from their surroundings and processing them into an understanding of the outside world,” said study author Natalie Ogilvy, adding that an ability to observe day-to-day existence, comprehend media, or register any of their own personal experiences were among some of the strongest predictors of emotional difficulties for teenage girls­. “In addition, we noticed even more pronounced depressive symptoms among female adolescents who not only can perceive their environment, but who also have the capacity to retain memories of what they have witnessed. Teenage girls who are able to imagine themselves even seconds into their future circumstances were the most vulnerable of them all.” While depression peaked among teenage girls able to perceive the world around them, the researchers also found that it manifested itself in early childhood or even infancy, particularly among newborn girls able to open their eyes.
Poll: 78% Of Americans Hope Cataclysmic Event Wiping Out Humanity Will Have Big Tidal Wave #~# WASHINGTON—Saying respondents were adamant that any such phenomenon be extremely tall and move with incredible speed, a Pew Research Center poll released Monday found that 78 percent of Americans hope that whatever event ultimately wipes out humanity will feature a gigantic tidal wave. “According to our data, more than three quarters of U.S. citizens want the apocalyptic disaster that brings about the end of our species to come in the form of a colossal wave rushing rapidly toward the shore that runs the length of the horizon and is of such a tremendous height that it blots out the sun,” said lead researcher Hector Collins, who noted that survey participants expressed no preference between a magnitude-20 undersea earthquake or an enormous asteroid slamming into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, as long as the underlying cause of humanity’s extinction generated a massive tsunami that swept across the entire world. “Of those in favor of a catastrophic tidal bore hitting the Eastern Seaboard before flowing across the whole North American continent, over 70 percent said that the immense wave should submerge the Empire State Building up to the needle, while about 85 percent expressed the urge to see full-size ocean liners tossed around by the wave as if they were toys. Additionally, respondents were nearly unanimous in their desire to see the entire city of Boston completely underwater on television, run outside, and yell ‘It’s coming!’ as the shadow of the gargantuan wave crept over them.” Researchers added, however, that respondents were divided over whether the cataclysmic tidal wave should leave small bands of survivors to fend for themselves in a grim post-apocalyptic landscape or simply obliterate the human race instantly.
Sexism Potentially Harmful To Men’s Health #~# New research has found that men who adhere to traditional masculine norms are more likely to harm the women around them and suffer worse psychological health than men who do not strictly follow these norms. What do you think?
Video Game Aims To Diagnose Alzheimer’s #~# Analyzing scores from Sea Hero Quest, a nautical navigation video game, Alzheimer’s researchers can determine how fast navigational skills decline with age, which in turn helps diagnose the disease earlier than ever before. What do you think?
Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving #~# Across the nation, families and friends are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for this year?
Sweden Debuts ‘Mansplaining’ Hotline #~# A workers union in Sweden has introduced a hotline that women can call to report incidents of ‘mansplaining,’ or condescending and unsolicited explanations from men on a given topic. What do you think?
Nearly Half The World Will Be Online By 2017 #~# The UN has announced that due to increased access and lower cost, roughly half the world’s population will be using the internet by the end of the year. What do you think?
34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece #~# MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Can I get that big one right there? Yep, that one,” said the senior marketing manager, husband, and father of two while eagerly holding out his plastic plate in anticipation, having actively sought out the slice not only for its size but also because it had a full, intact icing flower on it. “Yeah, you got it. Perfect.” At press time, Hinke was making room on his plate for a big scoop of ice cream.
What To Expect From A Live-Action ‘Beauty And The Beast’ #~# Disney unveiled the trailer for its live-action adaptation of its 1991 film Beauty And The Beast, which comes out in March 2017. Here’s what viewers have to look forward to:
Divorced Friend Burning Through New Hobbies At Unsustainable Rate #~# BENTONVILLE, AR—Telling reporters they were having difficulty keeping track of all the new pastimes he was pursuing, friends of local man Mark Chapineau stated Tuesday that the recent divorcé was burning through hobbies at an unsustainable rate. “Last week, he was posting on Facebook about how he was getting into meditation, and now you can see he’s already onto black-and-white photography—boy, he’s really tearing through activities one after the other,” said Chapineau’s old college roommate Sahil Neela, adding that the 38-year-old insurance broker, whose five-year marriage ended in September, had, according to his latest status update, begun training for a marathon, despite mentioning a couple weeks prior that he had joined a rock-climbing gym. “It’s crazy. He’s throwing himself into cooking and collecting vinyl when he’s only had his microbrewing kit 24 hours. Seriously, if he doesn’t want to confront what just happened in his life, he’s going to have to space these things out a whole lot better.” Neela acknowledged, however, that he’d rather watch his friend exhaust every potential hobby than actually listen to him talk about his problems.
Mom Really Gunning To Befriend Babysitter During Weekly 3-Minute Interactions #~# WILMINGTON, NC—Aggressively exploiting the short windows of time she spent with the high school junior, local mom Ally Brullard has been really gunning to befriend her babysitter during their weekly three-minute interactions, family sources reported this past Saturday. “Did you end up getting that dress you were looking at for winter formal, Sophie? It sounded gorgeous,” the 45-year-old mother of two reportedly said, picking up the thread of the conversation at the precise point where the two had left off the week before and deftly using the brief 180-second period during which she pays the babysitter and then walks her to the door to rapidly glean as much information as possible about her schoolwork, field hockey team, and plans for next summer. “And do you still think Ethan might ask you to go? That boy would be crazy to miss out on going with you.” Sources confirmed that Brullard then lit up immediately when the babysitter accepted her offer for a ride home and eagerly used the extended one-on-one time to probe her college choices in depth.
Melania And Barron Trump Won’t Live In White House #~# It was announced that Melania and Barron Trump will stay in New York City after Inauguration Day rather than move to the White House so that Barron can continue at the same school. What do you think?
Longtime Reader Of Lib-Slaves.info Sick Of Mainstream Bias On Sites Like WideAwakePatriot.com #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Wondering how anyone could read the articles in such publications and not recognize them as “total establishment propaganda,” local man Mark Furlong, a longtime reader of Lib-Slaves.info, told reporters Monday he was sick and tired of the obvious mainstream biases on news sites like WideAwakePatriot.com. “You wouldn’t believe the nonsense WideAwakePatriot and ArmedLibertyNews are pushing about how the world elites meet in Davos, Switzerland to rig the global economy, when if you actually paid attention to the facts the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know about, you’d realize that the actual power players of the Jew World Order meet every day in Los Angeles to design their doomsday compounds and determine new methods to control us,” said the 36-year-old, who praised Lib-Slaves.info for offering honest reporting of current events, explaining that he was thankful he wasn’t one of the “sheep” who blindly believe the misinformation that WideAwakePatriot.com was intentionally spreading to push its ruling-class agenda. “It’s so frustrating to see so-called journalists claiming that John Podesta’s hacked emails show his involvement in child prostitution, when in reality, they’re a clear indication of his membership in a D.C.–wide cannibalism ring. But you’re never going to get the full picture from the biased reporters at WideAwakePatriot.com. You can’t believe a site like that.” At press time, Furlong was bemoaning the gross incompleteness of a list of people the Clintons had murdered on a message board at UncuckedSentinel.net.
What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline #~# Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.
Pope Francis Declares Abortion Forgivable #~# Though it remains a “grave sin,” Pope Francis has granted all priests the ability to forgive abortion in confession, supplanting the old rule that a bishop must intervene. What do you think?
Historians Piece Together Carnival East India Company’s First Cruise In 1605 #~# LONDON—Working from recently discovered ships’ logs and archaeological findings, a team of historians announced Monday they had pieced together a detailed account of the Carnival East India Company’s maiden cruise—the very first seafaring journey to the Far East dedicated solely to the enjoyment and entertainment of its passengers.
Man Wakes From Nightmare Relieved It Only Expression Of His Real-Life Problems #~# NEW ORLEANS—Jolting awake in a panicked daze, local man Bill Rolinger reportedly breathed a sigh of relief early Monday morning after realizing that the nightmare he had just experienced was only a reflection of his real-life problems. “Whew! Thank God that was just a manifestation of the actual deep-seated issues that I refuse to address and that have now seeped deep into my subconscious,” said Rolinger, assuring himself that what had just transpired was nothing more than a slightly more vivid reiteration of the problems that plague him day in and day out. “I was really frightened there before I realized that everything happening was simply my sleeping mind showing itself powerless to unchain itself from my daytime fears and then translating those exact anxieties into the language of dreams. It was intense for sure, but it felt good to wake up and register the fact that it was nothing more than a passing interpretation of everything that’s chronically wrong with my life.” Rolinger reportedly then proceeded to go back to sleep, comforted in the knowledge that even if he had another nightmare, it would just be a version of the troubles that would hamper him at work tomorrow and likely for the rest of his life.
It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job #~# SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job. “He sits there at his little desk sending out all-staff emails outlining our goals for the rest of the year, and you can tell he actually believes he’s contributing something worthwhile—it’s sort of cute,” said employee Corinne Dwyer, adding that the entire staff found it “absolutely adorable” how proud Warner was when he introduced his ideas for an ambitious social media marketing campaign earlier this month. “Yesterday, he came up with this slogan to motivate the staff, and it was obvious he really thought people were inspired by it. Sometimes I just wanna hug that lovable little empty suit.” Dwyer went on to say that it broke her heart just imagining the look on Warner’s darling face when he finds out she and most everyone else in her department are quitting.
Fish, Pastry Microbes Found On New York ATMs #~# A new report cataloguing swabs from ATM keypads throughout New York City found that in addition to bacteria from human skin, microbes from fish, mollusks, and baked goods were also widespread. What do you think?
Stealing Tampons From Office Bathroom Currently Woman’s Only Source Of Joy #~# SEATTLE—Saying the small act of defiance helped to brighten her otherwise dejected mood these days, local woman Becca Curran told reporters Friday that stealing tampons from her office’s bathroom was currently her only source of joy. “Given the way everything’s been going lately, grabbing a handful of tampons and stuffing them into my bag has become the one thing I can really count on to lift my spirits,” said the 28-year-old billing specialist, who added that while the current sociopolitical climate makes it nearly impossible to feel optimistic about anything, purloining the feminine hygiene products every time she enters the office restroom remains a genuine pleasure and is reliably the highlight of her workday. “When I see that fully stocked basket sitting there on the countertop just ripe for the picking, it actually makes my day a bit better. I like knowing that I won’t have to pay for my own tampons and that I’m also taking advantage of my company’s resources. It’s really all I’ve got left to feel good about right now.” Curran added that she had no idea how the millions of women whose workplaces don’t provide free tampons were coping.
Stephen Hawking: Earth Doomed Within 1,000 Years #~# Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking estimates that threats such as global warming and nuclear proliferation mean it is likely that humanity will be doomed within 1,000 years unless we colonize other planets. What do you think?
Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott #~# After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?
God Weirded Out By Christian Who Loves Him After Only Month In Church #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying the whole situation felt “super creepy,” God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Friday He was completely weirded out by Atlanta-area Christian Dale Evans, who has repeatedly professed his love for Him despite only attending church for a month. “He’s only gone to services for three or four Sundays now, and yet he’s already trying to talk to me every night and telling all his family and friends about how great I am—it’s kind of unsettling,” the Divine Creator told reporters, adding that Evans didn’t take any time to get to know Him before claiming that he wanted to be with God forever, a claim that the Lord Almighty said He found “pretty disturbing.” “I don’t mind a little admiration here and there, but this guy is really, really into me. The way this freak went from zero to 60 in the blink of an eye just makes my skin crawl. It’s kind of scary how obsessed he is with me.” At press time, God had reportedly decided to cut off all ties with Evans, acknowledging that He didn’t need another toxic relationship with a fucked-up Christian.
Surgeon General Recommends Exercising Once Every Several Months During Flash Of Panic About Health #~# WASHINGTON—Highlighting the benefits of brief, infrequent aerobic activity, U.S. surgeon general Vivek Murthy urged Americans Friday to make sure to exercise once every few months during a frenzied moment of panic regarding their health. “It’s important that citizens of all ages, genders, and backgrounds make the time every four to nine months to go for a quick jog or do 15 halfhearted push-ups in the midst of a frantic surge of concern about their physical fitness,” said Murthy, who explained that individuals need not possess a gym membership or their own exercise equipment to engage in twice-yearly anxiety-fueled attempts at working out, and could instead simply perform five to 20 minutes of various calisthenics in their own home during a short-lived fit of worry spurred by an increase in their weight or a feeling of general decline in their well-being. “Whether you see a troubling news report on the risks of heart disease or suddenly take note of the condition that one of your parents is in and figure that you’re on track to end up like them one day, the key is to just get out there and exert yourself on a bike, or a treadmill, or with a set of weights in those fleeting few minutes that you feel alarmed enough to try to stave off a potential health crisis. And for optimal results, we strongly recommend getting into a regular routine of repeating this process every half year or so.” The surgeon general also recommended that all Americans spend three and a half days on whatever the current fad diet is any time they find themselves feeling particularly guilty about the amount of fast food they’ve been consuming.
Teen Birth Rates Dropping Nationwide #~# The CDC reports that the teen birth rate in the U.S. has been on the decline in all areas of the country every year since 2007. What do you think?
Top 5 Uses Of Artificial Intelligence #~# Another exciting place where AI is making a difference? The gas station. Check out BP’s personality pumps here.
Breitbart Traffic Down As Readers Now Getting Bulk Of News Analysis From Graffiti Scrawled Across Neighborhood #~# LOS ANGELES—Citing statistics that showed a sharp decline in the number of pageviews and unique users over the past week, media industry observers noted Thursday that traffic to Breitbart.com, the right-wing current affairs and opinion website, has continued to fall as more readers begin getting their news analysis from graffiti scrawled throughout their neighborhoods. “While Breitbart has long been a leading online destination for those on the far right, it is suddenly facing stiff competition from remarks spray-painted across communities nationwide, as many of the site’s regular readers begin looking to the sides of local homes, schools, and mosques for the news and opinions they seek,” said media analyst Meghan Trally, who noted that graffitied commentary across the country, including popular critiques like “Go Home Jews” and “Make America White Again,” appeared to be resonating strongly with the site’s readership, leading to the starkly lower engagement numbers seen on the site’s more recent opinion and editorial pieces. “Breitbart is at a serious disadvantage here. Frankly, the site just can’t compete with the accessibility and the reach that all these spray-painted social, political, and cultural comments have, particularly with their attention-grabbing wordings and their eye-catching use of accompanying smashed windows and crude swastikas. It’s unclear how, or even if, the site can win back its readers’ hearts.” At press time, Breitbart executives were holding meetings with their marketing department about ways to tap into the new platform.
NASA Astronaut Sets Record For Oldest Woman In Space #~# Peggy Whitson, age 56, is about to embark on her third mission aboard the International Space Station, making her the oldest woman to be sent into space. What do you think?
FDA Approves New Pasta Shape #~# WASHINGTON—Following months of analysis and numerous rounds of human trials, the Food and Drug Administration officially announced Thursday the approval of a new pasta shape. “After conducting multiple research studies, we have determined that tagallafoglio is as safe, effective, and flavorful as any other pasta shape on the market,” said FDA commissioner Robert Califf, adding that the tubular curl with scalloped edges passed tests for retaining both tomato and cream-based sauces, and was shown to possess a conveniently short boil time. “The ease with which it can be picked up with a fork and achieve an al dente texture were all in compliance with FDA standards. Furthermore, the pasta can be safely served hot as an entree or cold in a salad, and manufacturers have full approval to produce it without any restrictions regarding use of white flour, wheat flour, or a tricolor mix.” Ostroff cautioned, however, that the new pasta shape was at this time only approved for pairing with a light-bodied red wine. 
Biden Forges President’s Signature On Executive Order To Make December Dokken History Month #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor the “sweet-ass” legacy of a hair metal band that he said “totally fucking shreds,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly snuck into the Oval Office early Thursday to forge President Obama’s signature on an executive order that would officially recognize December as Dokken History Month. “Look, I’ve already asked Barry a thousand times because Dokken’s a goddamn national treasure, but he just wouldn’t get with the program, so now we’re doing shit Diamond Joe’s way,” said Biden, who took extra care to ensure the president’s signature matched previous counterfeit executive orders he had fabricated to implement directives that required strip clubs in the capital to stay open past 2 a.m., created a federal holiday for Quiet Riot guitarist Randy Rhoads’ birthday, and pardoned his buddy Blaze, who reportedly got into a “little dustup” with some bikers outside Carson City, NV earlier this year. “This is a no-brainer. If you crank up Donnie’s killer vocals and George Lynch is wailing on his ax on your car stereo, I guarantee a smokin’ hot metal chick will be ripping your stick shift out of the gearbox in zero seconds flat. Every lick on Back For The Attack is like a shot of adrenaline right in the babymaker. So sometimes you gotta take matters into your own hands to make sure we set aside 31 days a year to keep rockin’ with Dokken.” According to sources, Biden then photocopied a “big-ass” stack of blank executive orders and grabbed a handful of official presidential pens so he could practice his Donald Trump signature.
New Report Finds Americans Most Interested In Science When Moon Looks Different Than Usual #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Explaining that readership of science-related articles and discussion of scientific concepts tends to surge at such times, a report released Thursday by the National Science Foundation confirmed that Americans are most interested in science when the moon looks different than normal. “According to our findings, citizens are never more engaged by scientific disciplines than when the moon does not look like it regularly does—for example, when it becomes big or bright,” read the report in part, which added that while the nation’s interest in science is typically fairly minimal and consistent when the moon is its usual size and color, as soon as these properties of the moon differ in a noticeable way, millions of Americans begin displaying a desire to learn and share scientific knowledge. “The moon is ordinarily white and relatively small, and science is not on most people’s minds. However, when the moon is no longer white and small, and instead happens to be large, reddish, temporarily darkened, or any combination of those things, people generally want to know more about the methodological study of natural phenomena. Of course, once the moon goes back to the way it normally looks, interest in how the universe works drops back to baseline levels.” The report went on to mention that major changes to the Earth appeared not to garner Americans’ interest at all.
Tinder Redesigns Gender Options #~# In an effort to reduce harassment, dating app Tinder will now provide users a selection of 30 different gender identity options or the choice to display no gender at all. What do you think?
Carrie Fisher Reveals Affair With Harrison Ford #~# Actress Carrie Fisher reveals in a new memoir that she and Star Wars co-star Harrison Ford had a real-life affair in addition to their on-screen romance when she was 19 and he was 33. What do you think?
Deep-Sea Godiva Rig Taps World’s Largest Offshore Ganache Deposit #~# BRUSSELS—Hailing the effort as their most promising confectionary-extraction project to date, Godiva executives held a press conference Wednesday to announce that one of their deep-sea rigs had successfully tapped the world’s largest known offshore ganache deposit. 
How Clinical Trials Work #~# Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process:
2016 Set To Be Hottest Year On Record #~# The World Meteorological Organization has announced with 90 percent certainty that 2016 will be the hottest year on record, surpassing previous records set by 2015 and 2014. What do you think?
Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga #~# Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.
‘People’ Names Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Sexiest Man Alive #~# Wrestler and actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has been named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2016, which Johnson attributes to his sense of humor. What do you think?
How Movies Receive Their Ratings #~# Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
DNC Aiming To Reconnect With Working-Class Americans With New ‘Hamilton’-Inspired Lena Dunham Web Series #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the new effort would help them make critical inroads with low-income rural voters following a stunning election loss last week, the Democratic National Committee announced the launch of a new Hamilton-inspired web series Tuesday starring Lena Dunham intended to connect with working-class Americans and address their most pressing concerns. “We’re hoping to make up the ground we lost with white working-class voters and union members who once made up our base with a new 10-part hip-hop musical set in rural Wisconsin, featuring a down-on-her-luck manufacturing worker played by Lena Dunham,” said DNC interim chair Donna Brazile, who added that, in an effort to appeal to economically distressed voters, each episode would see the protagonists tackle a different theme, such as taxes or free trade, through the choreography of five-time Tony winner Susan Stroman. “We are confident that with the help of Josh Gad, Debra Messing, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, and the creative team behind The Mindy Project, we can bring Americans who feel like they have been left behind by globalization back to the Democratic Party. Viewers will also have the chance to win a trip to be in the audience at a live TED Talk taping if they share the series on Instagram, which we believe will draw considerable interest across the nation’s heartland.” Brazile added that the web series would be available exclusively through Seeso and HBO Go.
Gaunt, Weathered John Kerry Leads Prisoner Uprising In Siberian Labor Camp #~# NERCHINSK, RUSSIA—Quickly unlocking one cell door after another as he shuffled down the dimly lit hallway in his tattered prison-issued jumpsuit, a gaunt, weathered Secretary of State John Kerry led an inmate uprising Tuesday in a remote Siberian labor camp, sources confirmed. “Comrades, the time has come to fight back,” Kerry reportedly said in fluent Russian through coughing fits as the political prisoners he had lived among for the past several years began to execute the escape plan they devised over countless clandestine meetings in the mess hall. “Quickly, grab what you need from the armory and make your way to the guard stations. We take back our freedom tonight!” Sources confirmed that moments after cutting through the prison’s barbed-wire perimeter fencing, Kerry embraced his longtime Kazakh cellmate and gifted him his old tin pocket watch before they sprinted off in separate directions into the snowy Siberian wilderness.
Accidentally Closing Browser Window With 23 Tabs Open Presents Rare Chance At New Life #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Staring in trembling awe at her suddenly blank desktop, local woman Chelsea Greene was reportedly presented a rare chance at a new life Tuesday after accidentally closing her browser window with 23 open tabs. “Oh, my God. I’m free,” said a stunned and wide-eyed Greene, fully realizing that the abrupt disappearance of the Firefox window displaying tabs from Facebook, Reddit, CNN, OkCupid, Gmail, and 18 other websites would allow her to venture in a completely fresh direction and never look back. “Everything is going to be different from this point on. I can be anyone I want to be—I have a blank slate. Life truly begins right now.” According to sources, Greene moments later clicked “Restore Previous Session” in a brand-new browser window.
Facebook Blamed For Political Misinformation #~# Facebook has denied claims that their news algorithm aided Trump’s presidential victory due to its ability to be manipulated by those who profit from spreading misinformation, though they admit the algorithm could be improved. What do you think?
Man At Point Where Thought Of Reince Priebus Controlling White House Pretty Comforting #~# DENVER—Growing increasingly unsettled at the president-elect’s choice of advisors and the prospect of life under a Donald Trump administration, local resident Paul Austin told reporters Monday he was at the point where the thought of Reince Priebus controlling the White House was actually fairly comforting. “The way everything else seems to be going with Trump’s transition, it feels like we’re in a place where having someone like Reince Priebus in charge is almost kind of reassuring,” said Austin, who acknowledged that he emphatically disagreed with Priebus on nearly every issue, but at least was not abjectly horrified by the idea of the RNC chairman being placed in charge of key decisions as White House chief of staff. “I know there’s a lot to dislike about Priebus, but at the moment, it’s honestly kind of nice knowing there’s at least one person in this administration who’s worked in government before, isn’t vocally racist, doesn’t run an anti-Semitic website, and has never been in the news for beating women. Jesus, compared to the people around him, he almost seems somewhat admirable right now.” Austin added that he was, thankfully, not yet at the point where the possibility of Rudy Giuliani being named the next attorney general was anything less than physically sickening.
Marijuana Could Weaken Heart Muscles #~# A recent study found that regular users of marijuana might be at higher risk for stress cardiomyopathy, which mimics the symptoms of a heart attack. What do you think?
Crowd Can’t Believe Balls On Frontman Who Waited Till Third Song To Ask Them How They’re Doing #~# BURLINGTON, VT—Astounded by his brazen lack of concern for their well-being, the crowd at The Showbox rock club reportedly couldn’t believe the balls on the frontman of indie-rock group Corinthian Leather, who sources said waited until the third song of his Tuesday night set to ask them how they were doing. “Are you kidding me? Who the fuck does this guy think he is?” said concertgoer Amelia Nelson, 27, one of many audience members stunned by the fact that two entire songs had elapsed before the lead singer demonstrated the slightest interest in how they were feeling. “Oh, now you want to ask me if I’m ready to rock? Well, guess what? It’s too late for that. Maybe just cut the banter, finish up your set, and get the fuck out of here, because you’ve already proved we don’t matter to you.” Audience members were later heard audibly scoffing when the frontman urged them to clap along as if he hadn’t just insinuated that they could all drop dead for all he cares.
Matt Damon Appears Fully Nude For First Time In Local Man’s Imagination #~# PALMDALE, CA—In a career first for the 46-year-old star of the Bourne film franchise, actor Matt Damon appeared fully nude for a brief scene in the imagination of area man Phil Pressman, sources reported Monday. “I’d only ever seen Matt Damon appear bare-chested before, but then all of a sudden today, there he was stepping out of a shower,” said Pressman, who added that, while eye-opening, Damon’s nudity made perfect sense in the context of the thoughts he was having. “It was only for a few seconds, but wow, you saw everything. It was certainly a bold and intriguing step for him.” Pressman went on to say that while appearing nude was obviously a departure for the Oscar winner, he would be comfortable with Damon doing it in his imagination more often, as the actor had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
Area Man Considers Self Ally To Women Unless They Threaten His Status In Literally Any Way #~# PHILADELPHIA—Calling himself a “staunch supporter” of issues ranging from equal pay to reproductive rights, area man Brian MacKinnon told reporters Monday he considers himself an ally to women unless they threaten his personal status in any way whatsoever. “I would definitely describe myself as a feminist [insofar as that designation means that I don’t have to change any of my behaviors or attitudes in the slightest],” said MacKinnon, adding that as long as they don’t rise to an equal position, get promoted before he does, or even challenge him in a meeting, he regularly goes out of his way to help his female colleagues in the workplace. “We all have to do our part. When I see an injustice against a woman, I speak up about it [unless it might make me come across as weak in front of my male peers], and I will stand up for women’s progress each and every day [provided that, in the end, I still retain a level of gender-based privilege for the remainder of my life].” MacKinnon went on to say that he could not be more disappointed, at least in the company of women, that we did not elect a female president.
AMC Reports Record Revenues #~# Cinema chain AMC Entertainment has reported record revenues, up 13 percent to $497 million due to slightly higher ticket costs, increased spending on concessions, and a string of blockbuster releases. What do you think?
Implant Lets Paralyzed Monkey Walk Again #~# Using a series of electrodes and transmitters implanted along the spinal cord, a team of neurosurgeons has restored a paralyzed macaque’s ability to walk. What do you think?
What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency? #~# With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency:
James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes #~# ‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director
Psychologists Advise Practicing Words ‘President Trump’ Over Next 2 Months To Prepare For Inauguration #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that people needed to get started soon if they wanted to be ready by January 20, the American Psychological Association issued a statement Friday advising Americans to practice saying the words “President Trump” every day over the next two months in order to prepare themselves to use the phrase from Inauguration Day onward. “Many people have considerable difficulty forming this particular combination of words, which is why we recommend taking a step-by-step approach, beginning with sounding out the syllables separately and gradually working your way up to using the phrase naturally in a sentence,” said the APA’s chief executive officer, Cynthia D. Belar, who noted that it could be helpful if Americans said the word “president” and then waited a full 10 minutes before following that up with the word “Trump,” and then repeated the practice, progressively reducing the amount of time between intoning the words until they could be spoken in relatively quick succession. “Although two months is not an especially long amount of time to become proficient at saying this challenging phrase, eventually, with some effort, it will be possible for Americans to get it all out without stammering, choking, or having to pause immediately afterward to let out a large sigh. While this won’t be easy, it is important that we begin training now rather than find ourselves unprepared when President—ugh, oh God—Trump takes the oath of office.” The report went on to encourage Americans, for the sake of their mental well-being, to never even think of the phrase “Attorney General Giuliani,” let alone utter it aloud.
Dormant Supervolcano Underneath Yellowstone Figures Now As Good A Time As Any #~# JACKSON, WY—Taking note of the circumstances that were presently transpiring on the surface, the dormant supervolcano located 12 miles beneath Yellowstone National Park reportedly thought to itself Friday that now was probably just as good a time as any. “You know, I’ve gotta do this sooner or later, and frankly, this just feels like a pretty decent time to pull the trigger and go through with this thing, so why not?” the 11,200-cubic-mile magma chamber reportedly told itself, adding that after 630,000 years without a supereruption, and given the week the landmass above it had just endured, the time seemed right to unleash an explosion 1,000 times more powerful than the Mt. St. Helens eruption and blanket much of North America in several feet of fiery ash, immediately killing 90,000 people and setting off a nuclear winter that would slowly annihilate millions more. “It’s been a while, and I mean, I’m more or less due on a geologic time scale, so today seems like a good enough day to me. I might as well just go for it, right?” At press time, the nation’s citizens were breathing an immense sigh of relief as an onrushing wall of superheated gas and volcanic ejecta came hurtling toward them.
Americans Urged To Get Saving $30,000 Out Of Way Before Obamacare Repealed #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that citizens who failed to heed the recommendation were putting their health and well-being at risk, experts strongly urged Americans this week to get saving $30,000 out of the way before a Republican-controlled federal government repeals Obamacare. “You’re going to want to make sure you have that $30,000 squared away by early next year when the Affordable Care Act is dismantled and you wind up paying for doctor visits, hospital stays, and prescription medications out of pocket, so it’s best to start pinching pennies now,” said financial planning expert Dianne McGuigan, who advised the 22 million Americans covered under the Affordable Care Act and its Medicaid expansion provisions to stash away $6,000 from every paycheck between now and mid-January as a precautionary measure for when their health coverage is eliminated, before further recommending the same saving plan to all other presently insured Americans in case they or their family members lose their jobs in the future. “Try to cut back wherever you can by taking public transit and eating meals at home, and then put aside a few thousand dollars here or there that you might otherwise have used on going to the movies or buying a coffee; that way, you can give yourself a little extra buffer.” Experts added that anyone with a preexisting medical condition should aim to save up an additional $90,000 before January.
Prince Harry Condemns Media Coverage Of Girlfriend #~# Meghan Markle, the American actress currently dating Prince Harry, has been the victim of media harassment since the couple made their relationship public, suffering break-ins and invasions of privacy that Harry and Buckingham Palace have strongly condemned. What do you think?
Media Outlets Pledge Evenhanded Criticism Of Trump, Clinton Over Next 4 Years #~# NEW YORK—Declaring that they would work tirelessly to hold both figures to account, the nation’s media outlets pledged Thursday that they would not relent in providing evenhanded criticism of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton over the next four years. “We want to assure the American people that throughout the forthcoming presidential term, we will, with equal rigor, hold both Trump’s and Clinton’s feet to the fire on the issues that matter most,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker, who echoed official statements made by every other cable, print, and online news source across the country by affirming that it was the responsibility of the press to ensure both individuals were made to answer for their misdeeds during the next administration. “While we vow to carefully monitor the decisions and actions of the nation’s next president and expose his and his cabinet’s failings wherever they appear, we also make a solemn promise to provide a balanced critique by refusing to ever let Clinton off the hook. The nation can continue to count on us for fair, equitable reporting on the most important political developments.” At press time, members of the media were already diligently researching what effect Clinton’s email scandal might have on Trump’s foreign policy.
Obama, Trump Meet At White House #~# President Obama has invited president-elect Trump to meet with him at the White House today to discuss plans for a smooth transition of power. What do you think?
Report: It Still Nowhere Near Okay To Act Like Donald Trump #~# ITHACA, NY—In the hours since the Republican nominee’s stunning election to the nation’s highest office Tuesday night, reports have confirmed that, regardless of circumstance, it is not even remotely close to okay to act like Donald Trump. “Just to be perfectly clear, speaking or behaving in a manner similar to President-elect Trump is just as unacceptable now as it has ever been,” the reports stated, adding that in zero percent of cases is it even borderline permissible to conduct oneself either personally or professionally in a fashion akin to Trump, and that has not changed in the past two days. “In fact, acting like Mr. Trump does for even a moment will result in a wide range of negative social—and in some cases, criminal—consequences for you personally. Put simply, you should not be engaging with the world in any way comparable to Mr. Trump. This was true before he was elected, and it will be true long after he’s gone.” At press time, the reports’ findings were being summarily dismissed out of hand by roughly 45 percent of the nation’s population in a manner identical to that of Donald Trump.
Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands #~# WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race. “We always try to account for as many factors affecting voting behavior as possible, but looking back on our final pre-election projections, we must own up to the fact that our models clearly undervalued the impact Americans’ adrenal glands would have on the final outcome,” said Zogby Analytics researcher David Patti, adding that although he and his colleagues had made sure to factor voters’ endocrine systems into their forecasting algorithms, they had not anticipated just how active the stress hormone–producing organs would be among likely voters. “The problem we ran into was basing our assumptions about voters’ adrenaline and noradrenaline levels on the 2008 and 2012 elections, which were much more in line with historical norms. We simply did not see this unprecedented turnout from voters’ adrenal medullas coming. In the future, however, we’ll use simple blood tests to check the adrenaline and cortisol levels in all our polling participants to make sure we don’t get blindsided by something like this again.” Patti noted that, on the other hand, pollsters had done an excellent job of predicting the record-low serotonin levels among this year’s voters.
What Lessons America Can Learn From This Election Cycle #~# With the 2016 presidential election now concluded after 18 months, Americans can look back for lessons on how to move forward as a nation. Here’s what the nation can learn from this election cycle:
America Not Sure It Will Have Enough Revulsion And Horror Left For Cabinet, Court Appointments #~# WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they felt completely depleted after spending the past 36 hours contemplating a Donald Trump presidency, Americans across the country admitted Thursday they were unsure whether they would have enough revulsion and horror left in them to agonize over his forthcoming cabinet and court appointments. “I’ve already used up so much of my disgust and abject terror just thinking about the consequences of Trump becoming commander-in-chief that I don’t know if I can muster even the slightest dread about the people he’ll choose to lead all the federal departments and agencies, let alone the kind of justice he’ll put on the Supreme Court,” said Arvada, CO resident Sam Olchowski, echoing the sentiments of tens of millions of weary citizens who admitted that, after fretting so extensively over Tuesday’s results, it would take several weeks before they could rebuild enough of a store of anger and distress to adequately panic over the names of those individuals who will be placed in charge of the U.S. Treasury, the Department of Defense, the State Department, the Department of Justice, and dozens of federal courts. “Believe me, I know I should be physically sickened at the thought of who might be elevated to some of the most important posts in the nation, but I’m pretty much totally tapped out on despair after focusing all my loathing at the executive authority, military power, and foreign influence that Trump will be able to exercise as president. Honestly, I can barely summon the energy to be completely disheartened by the prospect of Republicans controlling all three branches of government.” At press time, millions of worn-out Americans had pushed back their timetable for feeling sadness and abhorrence toward Trump’s potential executive appointments even further after remembering that the vice president will be Mike Pence.
Tips For Interacting With Celebrities #~# Go behind the scenes of late night TV with Nightcap, an all-new comedy on Pop TV about a producer faced with the never-ending onslaught of celebrities and their A-list personalities. 
Man Nostalgic For Simpler Era Of 20 Hours Ago #~# BRIDGEPORT, CT—Thinking back on how happy and untroubled he had been during that time and how different he feels in the present day, local man Jason Moulton, 52, reportedly paused Wednesday and nostalgically recalled the simpler era of 20 hours ago. “Everything seemed so much brighter back then before 9 p.m. last night—nothing like the way things are now,” said Moulton, wistfully reflecting on how, back before yesterday evening, things had seemed to make sense and the future appeared to hold endless promise. “America was a different place all those hours ago. Things were safer then, and the economy was strong—it was just a better time. But it’s all gone downhill ever since. We just don’t have the same values anymore.” Moulton then reportedly shook his head and said that while he would love for the country to get back to the good old days of November 8 and earlier, realistically he knew that would never happen.
Vessel For Male Sexual Gratification Very Sad Today #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Noting its slumping posture, slack expression, and overall downcast appearance, sources confirmed Wednesday that a vessel for male sexual gratification was very sad today. “It definitely appears to be upset,” said sources, adding that the object that exists solely for men’s physical pleasure was presently sitting unmoving with a distant, empty stare. “It doesn’t look happy. What’s wrong with it? I don’t like the way it’s ignoring me.” At press time, sources had decided to go over to the sexual apparatus and tell it to smile.
How To Talk To Your Child About The Election Results #~# Here’s some advice for talking to your child about the shocking outcome of the 2016 presidential election:
Area Liberal No Longer Recognizes Fanciful, Wildly Inaccurate Mental Picture Of Country He Lives In #~# CHICAGO—Expressing dismay and confusion over voters selecting Donald Trump as the next president of the United States, area liberal Ryan Garlock reportedly told a group of his friends Wednesday that he no longer recognizes his fanciful, wildly inaccurate mental picture of the country he lives in. “This just isn’t the America I know,” said Garlock, adding that the broad national support for a candidate who openly expresses misogynistic, racist, and authoritarian views had caused him to call into question everything he thought he knew about his spectacularly unrealistic, wholly imaginary conception of the nation he calls home. “I just can’t believe that almost 60 million people would vote for someone who called immigrants rapists and attacked women and disabled people. The America [selectively constructed from my own experiences and personal values, and which only exists in my mind] that I love would never do that.” At press time, Garlock’s sentiments were reportedly echoed by all 1,273 of his Facebook friends.
‘Donald Trump Is The 45th President Of The United States,’ Spontaneously Reports Subconscious During First Calm Moment Of Day #~# NEW YORK—During the first brief moment of calm that she had felt since she awoke, local woman Jennifer Gibson’s subconscious reportedly fired off a spontaneous reminder Wednesday that Donald Trump will be the nation’s next commander-in-chief. “Donald Trump is going to be the 45th president of the United States,” reported the portion of Gibson’s mind that resides just below the surface of awareness, interrupting her just as she had been able to focus her full attention, for the first time in over 24 hours, on a thought that was entirely unrelated to the election or its outcome. “He will be the leader of this country for at least the next four years.” At press time, the looping phrase “Donald Trump will be president” had reportedly taken up permanent residence inside Gibson’s consciousness.
Exhausted, Defeated Voters Finally Beginning To Relate To Hillary Clinton #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that they have finally started to feel a connection with the Democratic Party nominee, millions of defeated and utterly exhausted voters admitted to reporters Wednesday they are now starting to relate to Hillary Clinton. “I never thought I had much in common with her before, but after waking up today feeling so drained and beaten, I think I’m beginning to see that she and I really are a lot alike,” said 34-year-old Chicago resident Anthony Pallister, echoing the sentiments of Americans across the country who claimed that over the course of the last 24 hours, the feeling that they had suffered through a long, wearying ordeal only to be summarily rejected had caused them to notice many similarities between themselves and the 69-year-old presidential candidate. “The more I think about how dejected and overcome I feel, the more I begin to see myself and my viewpoints in Hillary Clinton. In fact, I don’t know the last time I’ve related to a candidate this much.” Many Americans went on to confirm that their perception of Hillary Clinton being completely out of touch with the majority of the country has now made the former secretary of state far more likable.
Donald Trump Elected President #~# After the tightest race since 2000, Donald Trump has been elected president of the United States. What do you think?
Report: Things Finally As Bad As Trump Claims #~# WASHINGTON—Following Donald Trump’s stunning victory in the general election early Wednesday morning, political experts confirmed that conditions in the United States are now finally as bad as the Republican nominee has long claimed. “Though we had previously been able to dismiss Trump’s proclamations as mere hyperbole and scare tactics, the United States now definitively meets the criteria of being the declining superpower that Trump has described for the past 17 months,” said Georgetown University political science professor Ronald Leidecker, adding that, as of tonight, the nation no longer commands the same respect among world powers it once did, and our country’s greatest days most definitely lie in its past, just as the Republican has asserted. “Our economy is, since about 10 p.m yesterday, on the verge of collapse, and when it comes to foreign relations, we have foolishly made ourselves vulnerable on multiple fronts, putting the very existence of everything our nation holds dear at risk. In the words of Donald Trump, our country is a disaster.” Once again echoing the pronouncements of president-elect Trump, Leidecker noted that we sadly won’t be able to rely on Washington to change anything, as our political system is largely run by self-serving, power-hungry factionalists who don’t have the best interests of common Americans at heart.
Man Wearing ‘Jewmerica’ T-Shirt Never Dreamed He’d See This Day #~# SAND SPRINGS, OK—Feeling a mixture of intense pride and abject disbelief after news networks called the 2016 presidential election in favor of Donald Trump, local man Terry Williams, who is currently wearing a T-shirt adorned with the word “Jewmerica,” told reporters late Tuesday night that he never dreamed he’d see this day during his lifetime. “This is so incredible—not in a million years did I think I’d ever get to watch a historic moment like this,” said the unemployed 43-year-old, who has worn the T-shirt featuring the Star of David overlaid atop the United States flag throughout the 2016 election season as he closely followed Trump’s campaign for the presidency and encouraged voters like him to head to the polls by writing regular posts on white nationalist forums. “I won’t forget this feeling as long as I live. I’m so happy I might cry. Honestly, I’ve never been more proud to call myself an American.” At press time, a visibly elated Williams was reportedly searching for his “Trump That Bitch” hat to wear while watching Hillary Clinton’s concession speech.
Nation Throws Off Tyrannical Yoke Of Moderate Respect For Women #~# WASHINGTON—Political experts are hailing Donald Trump’s historic presidential victory early Wednesday as a resounding declaration that the nation is finally ready to cast off the tyrannical yoke of moderate respect for women that has suffocated the citizens of this country for generations. “Under Trump’s presidency, we can now look ahead to a bold new era in America in which we will no longer suffer under a repressive ideology that demands basic decency and relatively equal treatment toward half the nation’s population,” said Harvard political science professor Gregory Nagle, adding that citizens could now live free from the fear that they would never again be lightly chastised for making derogatory comments about a woman’s appearance or implying that women are less capable or intelligent than men. “For far too long, Americans have been at the mercy of an authoritarian belief system that sometimes presses employers to consider hiring women for high-level positions and, under certain circumstances, allows women to have control over their own bodies. And faced with the unsavory prospect of women receiving fair pay or having their sexual assault claims taken seriously, Americans went to the polls today and made their voices heard loud and clear. This is a bright new day for America.” In a similar finding, political scientists asserted that Trump’s election also represented a decisive move by the people of this country to shake off the brutal fetters of half-hearted attempts at racial tolerance.
If You’re Reading This, I’m Already Gone #~# This is difficult for me to say, but it’s been on my mind for a while now, and rather than dragging it out any longer, I’m just going to come out and say it: It’s over.
Nation Elects First Black-Hearted President #~# WASHINGTON—Shattering a barrier long thought unbreakable in the United States, Donald Trump, the 70-year-old billionaire real estate mogul from New York, became the first black-hearted man in history to win the American presidency, in the early hours of Wednesday morning.
Nation’s Optimists Need To Shut The Fuck Up Right Now #~# WASHINGTON—Saying their rosy attitude about the state of the election was not helping anything given what is currently transpiring, sources confirmed Tuesday night that the nation’s optimists need to seriously shut the fuck up as soon as humanly fucking possible. “Sure, things may look bad right now, but even if the worst happens, it’s only four years we’re talking about here,” said Santa Fe, NM resident Pete Mirenge, one of hundreds of thousands of positive thinkers across the nation who would do everyone a huge goddamn favor by closing their fucking traps right this fucking second and keeping them sealed for the foreseeable future. “This is exactly why we have a system of checks and balances—to ensure that whatever happens in the election, the executive branch never gets too much power. Think about it: Has any president been able to carry out their platform to the letter? No. Nothing’s ever as bad as it seems, believe me.” According to sources, a calm and composed Mirenge—who reportedly has about five seconds before his mouth is shut for him—then added that the country’s been through much worse and everything turned out okay.
Wolf Blitzer Walks Into Middle Of Olive Garden Commercial To Announce Breaking Election Results #~# NEW YORK—Briskly striding into frame and interrupting a jubilant family meal, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer reportedly entered the middle of an Olive Garden commercial airing during the network’s election coverage Tuesday night to announce a late-breaking election result. “Breaking news: CNN is calling Nevada for Hillary Clinton,” said Blitzer, stepping directly in front of a smiling mother passing a heaping plate of fettucine alfredo to her daughter and shushing the laughter of surrounding tables so that he could add that the victory dealt a severe blow to Donald Trump’s chances of reaching the Oval Office. “We are projecting that Secretary Clinton will take the crucial swing state’s six electoral votes, putting her on the inside track to securing the 270 electoral votes needed—hey, excuse me, will you please keep it down?—needed to win the presidency.” At press time, Blitzer was ducking in panic as the Olive Garden logo came swooping into frame.
CNN Technicians Rush To Empty Wolf Blitzer’s Urine Tank Midway Through Election Coverage #~# NEW YORK—Noting that the storage canister had nearly reached capacity, CNN technicians reportedly rushed to empty Wolf Blitzer’s urine tank Tuesday night midway through the network’s election coverage. “All right, people, it’s go time—we need to release the pressure valves and drain this thing now, because the clock is ticking,” said head technician Raymond Harrington, prompting his crew of assistants to assume their designated positions around the 12-gallon stainless-steel vat before discharging the liquid contents into an off-camera waste container while Blitzer delivered a long stretch of uninterrupted state-level voting analysis. “Easy does it. Be careful of splashback. That stuff is hot. Okay, now make sure all urine lines are clear before closing the runoff spigot.” At press time, an unforeseen leak in the urine tank had forced CNN technicians to sequester Blitzer in an isolated containment unit and evacuate the set during a commercial break.
Anderson Cooper Informs Viewers CNN Just Minutes Away From First Significant Piece Of Information Of Day #~# NEW YORK—Roughly two hours into the network’s live nine-hour-long “Election Night In America” programming block, CNN anchor Anderson Cooper informed viewers Tuesday evening he is only moments away from delivering the first piece of genuinely significant information of the day. “Folks, you’ll want to stay with us, because it’s only a matter of minutes before we show you today’s first meaningful, truly pertinent election update,” said Cooper, adding that as early as 7:30 p.m. EST, the network would be reporting some legitimately consequential news that would actually make CNN’s election broadcast worth watching. “Stay with us here on CNN for continuing election coverage, because you won’t want to miss it when we provide a development of actual consequence. Until then, we’ll send it over to John King.” After Cooper eventually revealed some concrete information on early returns in New Hampshire, CNN reportedly placed a 30-minute countdown clock on the side of the screen that displayed how long it would be until the network breaks the next piece of even remotely noteworthy election news.
Millions Gather Under Times Square Countdown Clock To Celebrate End Of 2016 Election #~# NEW YORK—Marking the joyous occasion with singing, dancing, and a chorus of ecstatic cheers, an estimated 2 million citizens gathered beneath the Times Square countdown clock Tuesday night to celebrate the end of the 2016 election season, sources reported.
Voter Dreading Being Sent Over To Visibly Stupid Poll Worker #~# INDIANAPOLIS—His stomach reportedly sinking immediately after he entered the line at his polling place and caught sight of the complete oaf sitting behind the volunteer table, local voter Steven Wu confirmed Tuesday that he was dreading being sent over to a visibly stupid election worker to receive his ballot. “Oh God, look at this dummy—they better not point me toward him,” said Wu, who grew increasingly nervous as he moved up in line and witnessed the slow-moving and slow-witted moron apologize to several voters in a row after mistaking a stack of provisional ballots for regular ballots and subsequently knocking a container of markers onto the floor. “Ugh. Now he’s saying he locked himself out of the computer that has all the voters’ names in it. Jesus Christ, this guy’s as dumb as a post.” At press time, Wu was silently cursing to himself as the spectacular dumbfuck got up to ask the polling place’s most competent volunteer for help.
America Votes For President #~# The nation will cast their votes today to decide whether Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump becomes the next president of the United States. What do you think?
Tim Kaine Stuffs Handful Of Goldfish Crackers In Ballot Scanner #~# RICHMOND, VA—Pulling the cheddar-flavored snacks from his right pants pocket, Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Kaine reportedly crammed a fistful of Goldfish crackers into one of his voting precinct’s ballot scanners Tuesday. “You look hungry,” said Kaine, who enthusiastically mashed the fish-shaped crackers into the scanner’s ballot feed slot before inserting a juice box straw into the opening and squirting fruit punch into the device. “There you go, Mr. Machine. Hope you liked your num nums!” At press time, Kaine had reportedly inserted ballot marking pens into each nostril and slid across the floor while barking like a walrus.
Within The Walls Of This Suburban Polling Place, I Am God #~# Election Day is once again upon us. After another four years, the time has come for our nation to choose its leaders, and it is important that each of us is adequately prepared for the task. Here are a few helpful hints to keep in mind as you head out to cast your ballot: Know which voting district you’re registered in, know the hours your voting location will be open, and know that within the bounds of this suburban polling place, I am God.
The Onion’s Special Coverage Of Election Day 2016 #~# With 42 percent of precincts reporting and the margin between the candidates holding at less than a percentage point, The Onion calls upon the spineless state of Iowa to quit its tarrying, pull itself together, and make a goddamn choice already. According to The Onion’s electoral models, the Midwestern state needs to get its shit in order and figure out which way it’s going to go, because this isn’t even that complicated, for Christ’s sake. The Onion projects that the timid little Hawkeye State has 20 minutes or so to decide which candidate will get its six puny electoral votes, or we’ll just go ahead and call it for Jill Stein, and you’ll just have to deal with it.
Woman Quickly Reading Up On Candidates’ Policy Stances After Voting #~# DENVER—Pausing a moment to pull up the information on her phone, area woman Robin Mizes, 32, figured she should quickly read up on the presidential nominees’ policy stances after casting her vote Tuesday, sources confirmed. “It’s probably a good idea to learn a little bit about the candidates and what they think about the issues,” said Mizes a few minutes after filling out her ballot and submitting it to poll workers, noting that she was particularly curious about the candidates’ tax plans and proposals for improving the economy. “So they’re both against this free trade plan, but Trump wants to get rid of Obamacare and Hillary doesn’t. And Hillary’s for more gun control. That’s good to know.” At press time, Mizes was reportedly considering looking up information on the down-ballot candidates she had already picked before shrugging her shoulders and deciding it would be too much of a hassle.
‘What’s Our Best Path To 270?’ Gary Johnson Asks Campaign Aides Packing Up Office #~# SALT LAKE CITY—Inquiring about several potential scenarios, Libertarian Party presidential nominee Gary Johnson reportedly asked his campaign aides what their best path to 270 electoral votes was while they were in the midst of packing up the candidate’s headquarters Tuesday. “Okay, let’s think through the electoral map and see where our clearest shot at victory is,” said Johnson to top advisors who were taping shut cardboard boxes containing unsold campaign T-shirts, bumper stickers, and buttons reading “#LetGaryDebate.” “Have we gained any traction in Florida? That would give us a lot more wiggle room in New Hampshire and North Carolina. And if we got a strong early turnout in Alaska and South Dakota, that definitely moves us a lot closer to 270, if not beyond.” At press time, Johnson was muttering to himself about the western Mountain states in an empty office as his campaign staff went out back and threw everything into the dumpster.
Disappointed First-Time Voter Thought He Was Going To Get To Pull Big Lever #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Complaining that there wasn’t even some sort of button to press, disappointed first-time voter Rob Blackman told reporters Tuesday he thought he was going to get to pull a big lever inside the voting booth. “I was sure there’d be a handle I’d have to really yank down on to officially cast my vote, and then there’d be this satisfying mechanical thunk sound,” said Blackman, 19, adding that quietly filling in bubbles on a sheet of paper was a “complete fucking letdown.” “I always thought you’d open up the curtain, see two big levers, and pull down on the one that corresponded to your candidate. But no, there was just a little table in there and that’s it. This is such bullshit.” Blackman went on to say that he wasn’t sure if he’d participate in another election since there really wasn’t an incentive for him to vote anymore.
Election Day By The Numbers #~# Time at which vast majority of voters head to the polls to beat the crowds
Nervous Voter Totally Blanks On American Values While Looking At Ballot #~# BOSTON—Staring intently forward as she racked her brain for what the qualities could possibly be, local voter Wendy Patterson reportedly found herself unable to recall a single American value while filling out her ballot Tuesday. “Oh, shit, what do we as a nation stand for again? I swear I know this,” said Patterson, squinting and placing her pen to her chin before sighing and looking up at the ceiling as she tried in vain to remember the virtues that America embodied. “I think freedom is definitely one of them, and, what is it—togetherness? No, dignity? Is that one? God, I’m totally screwed.” At press time, Patterson had completely panicked and filled out the rest of her ballot randomly.
Trader Joe’s Fires Employee For Non-Genuine Smile #~# A former employee of a Trader Joe’s on New York’s Upper West Side claims to have been fired for failing to muster a genuine-looking smile for patrons. What do you think?
5 States To Decide Whether To Legalize Marijuana Or Continue Honoring God #~# WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of their respective ballot measures before casting their votes, citizens in five states are set to decide tomorrow whether to legalize recreational marijuana or continue honoring God, sources confirmed Monday. “Constituents in California, Maine, Massachusetts, Arizona, and Nevada will have the choice tomorrow between advancing their pursuit of a godly life by adhering to Christ’s teachings and experiencing the glory of the Heavenly Father’s word, or allowing themselves and their neighbors to lawfully smoke marijuana,” said political analyst Kevin Phillips, who explained that while the advantages of passing these measures, such as bolstering the local economy and reducing prison overcrowding, could be substantial, they must be closely compared to the benefits of living in the light of the Divine Creator’s everlasting love. “After years of grassroots movements, voters will finally make this momentous choice for themselves: They can either permit adults over the age of 21 to use cannabis without legal consequence, or they can continue living in accordance with He who has made us in His own image and receiving God’s grace forever and ever.” At press time, the latest polls showed that the legalization of recreational marijuana and acceptance of an eternity of hellfire for forsaking the Almighty could potentially pass in all five states.
Trump’s Twitter Access Revoked #~# The New York Times is reporting that aides have wrested control of Donald Trump’s Twitter account in the crucial final days of his campaign in an attempt to minimize any polarizing remarks. What do you think?
Voting Vs. Abstention #~# In an election where voters feel faced with an unappealing ultimatum, many are considering skipping the polls altogether. The Onion presents a side-by-side comparison of voting and abstaining.
No Matter What Happens Tomorrow, At Least I Had Fun #~# It’s been quite a campaign, hasn’t it? Just think of all that has happened over the past 16 months. I’ve traveled all over the country, spoken to millions of people, and my campaign has gotten the entire nation talking about illegal immigrants, radical Islamic terror, violent crime, and so much more. Obviously, nothing would make me happier than for Americans to go to the polls and choose me as their next president. But regardless of what our nation decides tomorrow, at least I can say that I had fun.
How Voting Works #~# Go online to find out where you forgot to register to vote
Nutella Aims To Reduce Serving Size, Display Fewer Calories #~# The makers of Nutella are petitioning the FDA to reclassify their chocolate-hazelnut product as a “spread” rather than its current status as a “dessert topping” so as to reduce the serving size and halve the fat and calories displayed on the label. What do you think?
Nation Admits It Probably Going To Come Out Of This Having Learned Completely Wrong Lessons #~# WASHINGTON—Playing down any hope that they would draw a single valuable insight from the current election cycle, voters across the nation admitted Saturday they are probably going to come out of this whole thing having learned the completely wrong lessons. “We should definitely have learned something substantive about the dangers of political polarization or even social media echo chambers, but we’re almost certainly going to end up walking away from this with some other conclusion that’s way, way off-base,” said Atlanta resident Tyler Gore, 34, adding that no amount of hindsight would enable him and millions of his fellow citizens to extract a meaningful takeaway about the country’s political discourse. “We’re definitely going to claim that we gained some new understanding from this election, but it’s far more likely to be some nonsense about the media manipulating polls than a real lesson about, say, our primary system empowering the most extreme voters. Whatever happens, I guarantee we are not getting this right.” At press time, the nation also acknowledged that on the off chance it did learn a useful lesson from this election, it would surely forget it by the next one.
Trump Makes Last-Minute Push To Appeal To Whites #~# NEW YORK—With just days remaining before the nation heads to the polls, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly crisscrossed the country this weekend in a frenzied last-minute push to appeal to white voters. “White outreach is going to be at the center of our campaign during these final few days of the election—we really want white audiences to know they have a friend and advocate in Donald Trump,” said Trump’s communications director, Hope Hicks, explaining that the campaign was spending $7 million on advertising targeted at white households in addition to scheduling a whirlwind series of campaign stops in predominantly white cities and neighborhoods as part of their eleventh-hour effort to engage the voting bloc. “Mr. Trump will visit white churches and businesses in several states, conveying a hopeful message to the nation’s Caucasians that tomorrow will be brighter. We want white people, and in particular, white men, to recognize that they have a voice in this campaign, and we want to assure them that Donald Trump understands the white community’s concerns and will never stop fighting for them as president.” Hicks said she expected the nominee’s message of compassion to resonate deeply with white Americans, stating that it comes from a real place in Trump’s heart.
Nation’s Still-Undecided Voters: ‘Help, We Can’t Get Our Car Seatbelts Off’ #~# WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly panicked while struggling with the safety devices, the nation’s still-undecided voters reportedly shouted for help Friday when they couldn’t get their seatbelts off. “Help me—it’s stuck,” said Westerville, OH resident Daniel Roark, who has yet to determine which presidential candidate he will be voting for after a year and a half of campaigning, primaries, conventions, attack ads, and three nationally televised debates, adding that the lap and shoulder restraint “is really, really tight” and “hurts [his] stomach.” “Ow, ow, ow. I can’t get this part out of the other thing. I’m pulling on it a lot, but it’s not working. It’s squishing me.” At press time, 30 percent of the undecided voters had cut off their oxygen supply after inadvertently tangling their seatbelt around their neck.
Penn State Fined $2.4 Million For Handling Of Sandusky Case #~# Concluding a five-year investigation, federal officials have fined Penn State $2.4 million for their complicity in Jerry Sandusky’s history of child sex abuse. What do you think?
Trump Raises Concern Over Members Of Urban Communities Voting More Than Zero Times #~# ATKINSON, NH—Warning supporters that the troubling practice could affect the outcome of the election, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump expressed strong concern Friday that members of urban communities were voting more than zero times, sources reported. “I’ve heard stories that some of these people in the inner cities are trying to steal the election by casting over zero ballots—we can’t let this happen, folks,” said Trump, who claimed that hundreds of urban voting precincts across the country often have turnout numbers that are far higher than zero percent of eligible voters. “Very trustworthy sources have told me that in many of these urban neighborhoods, people are voting in excess of zero times by mailing in a ballot under their own name or even just by walking right up to a polling place and voting without a problem—and the poll workers there will just go along with it. It’s a terrible thing that’s happening in those places, and it needs to be stopped.” Trump added that concerned supporters should form groups, head to urban precincts, and “do what needs to be done” to take care of the problem.
World’s Largest Space Telescope Set To Launch #~# The James Webb Space Telescope, in construction for the past 20 years, is set to launch in 2018, more powerful than Hubble and capable of repairs without human intervention. What do you think?
Humanity’s Greatest Mysteries #~# Brought to you by People of Earth
Cubs Win First World Series In 108 Years #~# The Chicago Cubs have won the World Series against the Cleveland Indians, their first World Series run since 1945 and their first win since 1908. What do you think?
Nation Puts 2016 Election Into Perspective By Reminding Itself Some Species Of Sea Turtles Get Eaten By Birds Just Seconds After They Hatch #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they felt anxious and overwhelmed just days before heading to the polls to decide a historically fraught presidential race, Americans throughout the country reportedly took a moment Thursday to put the 2016 election into perspective by reminding themselves that some species of sea turtles are eaten by birds just seconds after they hatch. “I’ve been worrying so much lately about what will happen on Election Day that I finally just made myself pause, take a deep breath, and remember there are some sea turtles out there who, immediately after hatching, get eaten by pelicans before they can even crawl from the beach into the ocean, and that allowed me to calm down a bit and place this whole election into proper context,” said 49-year-old Ellen Weaver of Binghamton, NY, who, like tens of millions of her fellow citizens, coped with the stress brought on by tightening polls, nonstop media coverage, and the candidates’ last-minute attacks on one another by repeatedly telling herself that of the 50 to 200 baby sea turtles born to one nest, it is a rarity if even one or two survive, as research indicates that only one in 1,000 hatchlings will make it to adulthood. “Even though I’m afraid of how this might turn out and have serious doubts about whether our country can continue functioning after all this, I know that loggerhead turtles incubate inside their eggs for around two months, and more often than not, the very moment they emerge into the world to begin their lives, they’re scooped up in a vulture’s beak and swallowed whole alongside many of their brothers and sisters. When you take a step back and really consider that even if these turtles do make it to the water, they’ll then have to spend the next few years of their lives hoping they don’t get eaten by any number of fish while they’re being pulled around by currents until they’re large enough to swim to shore on their own, you start to see the election with clearer eyes.” After pondering the sea turtles’ fate for several more minutes, the nation reportedly began to feel less comforted and started growing jealous that the turtles at least get to have everything be over with quickly.
Cleveland Indians Worried Team Cursed After Building Franchise On Old Native American Stereotype #~# CLEVELAND—Having watched in horror as their team crumbled after a 3-1 World Series lead, members of the Cleveland Indians expressed concern Thursday that the organization has been cursed for building their franchise on an incredibly old Native American stereotype. “Everyone always warned us that we shouldn’t build a team on this archaic American Indian caricature, but we didn’t listen,” said Indians part-owner Paul Dolan, adding that using the centuries-old stereotype as the foundation for the franchise’s identity clearly provoked the wrath of some ancient evil, which has caused the team to suffer decades of pain and hardship ever since. “All this bad luck can’t just be a coincidence—if only we’d fully comprehended the consequences of trying to make money off this cheap stereotype. We should move away from this awful Native American misappropriation and never look back.” At press time, Dolan was shrieking as large boils began spreading all over his body after he dug up the team’s logo from the 1940s.
Report: Election Day Most Americans’ Only Time In 2016 Being In Same Room With Person Supporting Other Candidate #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, Election Day 2016 will, for the majority of Americans, mark the only time this year they will occupy the same room as a person who supports a different presidential candidate. “For the majority of those backing either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump, this upcoming Tuesday will be the first and last time in 2016 they will share the same enclosed physical space with someone whose viewpoints fall on the opposite side of the political spectrum,” the report read in part, noting that on average, American voters will spend 18 minutes this year in the physical presence of those who would prefer a different outcome in the election, beginning from the moment they enter their local polling place on November 8, to the moment they submit their ballot and exit the premises. “Furthermore, the typically brief intervals spent waiting in line to cast one’s vote will represent the only point in 2016 when most voters with differing opinions on the issues and disparate desires for the direction of the nation will be within several feet of one another, a distance from which they could, theoretically, engage in a normal conversation.” The report went on to state that as soon as they left the shared space on Election Day, tens of millions of Americans would go back to their regular interactions with those supporting the other candidate by brutally vilifying them and questioning their intelligence on social media.
Nurse Reminds Elderly Man She’s Just Down The Hall If He Starts To Die #~# DES PLAINES, IL—Assuring him that she’d be at his side in a jiffy, local nurse Wendy Kaufman reminded an elderly resident at the Briarwood Assisted Living Community that she was just down the hall if he started to die, sources reported Tuesday. “Remember, Mr. Donner, I’m right around the corner, so if you feel you’re in the last few moments as an existing, sensate being, just press the button on your bed and I’ll hurry on over,” said Kaufman, adding that she or any other nurse on duty was happy to pop in day or night in case he felt himself slipping away forever into unending darkness. “I’m just a few doors down, and bringing you back from the edge of the eternal black abyss is my job. Really, it’s no trouble for any of us to come in and stave off the icy cold hand of the Reaper, okay?” At press time, an increasingly perturbed Kaufman was making her third visit to the man’s room in an hour.
A Timeline Of The 2016 Election Cycle #~# Distant ancestor of Donald Trump secures spot in evolutionary pool by bludgeoning in head of sexual competitor with slab of rock
‘Glamour’ Names Bono Its First Man Of The Year #~# Glamour magazine’s 2016 women of the year list includes U2 frontman and political activist Bono, the first man to be featured in the lineup thanks to his “Poverty is Sexist” campaign to aid women and children. What do you think?
Millions Of Drunk Cubs Fans Rioting In Heaven Following World Series Win #~# THE HEAVENS—Following a 8-7 victory over the Cleveland Indians that clinched the team’s first World Series title since 1908, sources confirmed Wednesday that millions of intoxicated Chicago Cubs fans are currently rioting across Heaven.
Starbucks ‘Unity’ Cup Draws Criticism #~# Starbucks has introduced a “Unity cup” for election season patterned with sketches of diverse people embracing one another, a release that has drawn criticism for what many are calling a reductive message. What do you think?
Most Hotly Contested Down-Ballot Measures Of 2016 #~# As Americans head to the polls, they will be presented with a number of issues to vote on besides choosing their representatives. The Onion gives voters an advance look at which measures will be included on the ballots in which states.
New Heavy-Duty Voting Machine Allows Americans To Take Out Frustration On It Before Casting Ballot #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the circumstances of this year’s presidential race made the upgrade necessary, election commissions throughout the country were reportedly working to install new heavy-duty voting machines this week that will allow Americans to physically take out their frustrations on the devices before casting their votes.
Man Grateful To Live In Society Where Mattress Disappears If Left On Sidewalk For A Couple Days #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Emphasizing that such an impressive feat should not be taken for granted, local man Nathan Montgomery told reporters Wednesday he was incredibly grateful to live in a society where a mattress just disappears if it’s left outside on the sidewalk for a couple days. “It’s nice to know that we have developed a culture in which, if you decide you no longer want a mattress, you can just drag it out to the curb, and two or three days later, it won’t be there anymore,” said Montgomery, marveling at how a member of our society need not even call anyone or tape up a sign alerting others that the mattress is free for the taking, and it would still vanish without a trace in little more than 48 hours. “I think it’s important to take a moment to appreciate a system that makes unwanted mattresses just go away. Imagine living in another, less enlightened civilization where you had to haul them to some kind of special disposal place. How thankful we should all be to live right here.” At press time, Montgomery told reporters he also greatly appreciates being a part of a society where you can just vomit in public and never have to worry about cleaning it up.
News Website Likes To Set Aside A Little Ad Space To Promote Own Articles #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Saying they were proud to showcase the work done by their writers, executives at the New Haven Register told reporters Thursday they sometimes like to set aside a little ad space to promote the newspaper’s own articles. “Every so often, at the bottom-right corner of our homepage, we’ll remove a small ad unit and display one or two pieces our staff produces,” said the newspaper’s publisher, Kevin Corrado, adding that the writers were always pleasantly surprised to discover that one of their investigative reports or feature stories had appeared on the website, even if it was in fairly small font and they had to scroll down a considerable amount to find it. “Rewarding as it is, journalism can be an exhausting job, so it’s nice to highlight some of that hard work when a short-term gap in our ad coverage makes that feasible every once in a while.” At press time, a sizable buy from JetBlue ensured that the paper would not be promoting its own articles for at least six weeks.
Uber Drivers Found To Discriminate By Gender, Race #~# A two-year study of discrimination within ride-hailing app Uber found that drivers are much more likely to cancel on black customers, while female riders were overcharged more often than men. What do you think?
New Male Birth Control Method Tested #~# A recent study testing male forms of birth control administered a shot designed to lower sperm count in men, though possible side effects include irregular heartbeat, increased libido, and acne. What do you think?
Clinton Staff Readies EMP Launch To Disable All Nation’s Electronic Devices #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to prepare for any new revelations that might emerge about her emails during her tenure as secretary of state, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton reportedly told her staff Tuesday to ready the launch of several electromagnetic pulses to disable all of the nation’s electronic devices. “If there are additional leaks, I’m going to need you to head directly to the command center in the basement of our headquarters, input your security authorization, and turn the EMP launch key,” said Clinton to her top advisors, explaining that detonating the missile-mounted thermonuclear warheads in the mid-stratosphere above Kansas, New York, and Los Angeles would immediately wipe out all electronic communications within the continental United States and much of Canada. “Every hard drive, server, and data center within the blast radius should be permanently erased. However, if we detect any remaining electronic signals in the fallout, we should be prepared to use the backup EMPs from our stockpile. The go word is ‘trustworthy.’” At press time, the Clinton campaign was targeting an additional EMP to explode over a row of unmarked warehouses in Moscow.
Nate Silver Gunned Down Attempting To Cross Mexican Border With All 2016 Polling Data #~# EL PASO, TX—Saying they were forced to use lethal force after the statistician and FiveThirtyEight founder attempted to breach a secure checkpoint, United States Border Patrol agents confirmed Friday that Nate Silver was gunned down while trying to cross into Mexico with all the polling data from the 2016 general election.
Doctors Restore Ken Burns’ Full-Color Vision After Removing Massive Tumor From Filmmaker’s Visual Cortex #~# CLEVELAND—Speaking to reporters following the successful eight-hour procedure Tuesday, neurosurgeons at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed they had removed a golf ball–sized tumor from the visual cortex of filmmaker Ken Burns, restoring the documentarian’s ability to see in full color. “We’re happy to report that the surgery went smoothly, and beginning today, Mr. Burns will no longer be limited to perceiving the world in shades of black, white, and sepia, and will instead be able to experience the entire spectrum of hues that most of us take for granted,” said Dr. Amrita Singh, noting that the 63-year-old director and producer of The Civil War, Prohibition, and Jazz had awakened from anesthesia and was reported to be marveling at the vividness of his surroundings, human faces, and photographs. “It appears that the removal of this tumor also reduced intense pressure that had built up inside Mr. Burns’ visual processing center; as a result, his eyesight has sharpened considerably, and he’ll notice that he won’t need to lean in close anymore to make out the details of images. It’s going to seem like a whole new world to him.” Dr. Singh added that an additional inner-ear surgery would be required to correct the balance issue that causes Burns to slowly drift from left to right.
Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air #~# LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present. “Oh, I’ve got a bag right here,” said Wolfson, seeming to create matter out of nothing as a festively patterned blue-and-white bag with fabric handles that was suited perfectly to the occasion of a boy’s baby shower suddenly materialized in her hands. “There you go, hon. If this one isn’t the right size or you don’t like the color, I could get you another one.” At press time, Wolfson was pointing out that there was also a tasteful greeting card, which had apparently been manifested through sheer thought alone, already waiting inside the bag.
Paul Krugman’s Facebook Friends Excitedly Posting About New Article He Got Published In ‘The New York Times’ #~# NEW YORK—Sharing the link on their news feeds with captions such as “You have to read this!” and “Check out what a buddy of mine wrote,” Paul Krugman’s Facebook friends reportedly spent Tuesday morning excitedly posting about a new article of his that was published in The New York Times. “Hey everyone, my incredibly talented friend Paul Krugman got an article in the paper! So proud!” wrote the economist’s friend Wendy Shapiro, concluding her post with several exclamation points and a series of clapping hands and smiley face emojis. “This is so, so amazing! And in the New York Times, no less! WAY TO GO, PAUL!” At press time, sources confirmed that none of the 73 people who shared the link had bothered to read the article.
Beauty Queen Told To Lose Weight Quits Pageant #~# Arna Ýr Jónsdóttir, Miss Iceland of the Miss Grand International beauty pageant, quit the competition after staff told her to eat less before the final round because she had “too much fat,” comments that pageant officials have defended as standard practice. What do you think?
Grandma Hangs On To Spend One Last Christmas With Nursing Home Staff #~# SHOREVIEW, MN—In what many called an impressive and heartwarming display of resolve, local grandmother Melanie Hodges reportedly clung to life Sunday so that she could spend one last Christmas surrounded by nursing home staff. “It’s so great that Melanie was able to enjoy one more Christmas with those nearest and dearest to her,” said nursing assistant Anita Gurley, referring to the group of health-care workers charged with monitoring the 88-year-old’s well-being and assisting her with basic activities of daily living. “It’s been a tough year for Melanie, health-wise, but I know she must be happy to get to spend another holiday with [nurse] Rico, [physical therapist] Donna, and everyone on the evening and night shifts. That reminds me—time for me to go collect her lunch tray.” At press time, the nursing home staff had yet to discover Hodges’ lifeless body.
Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner #~# VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday. “The cherub came out perfect this year! Look how tender that cheek meat is,” the pontiff said as he drizzled a generous ladleful of the gravy he had made from the divine pan drippings over several freshly cut slices of white meat, remarking on how moist and flavorful the angel had turned out after being brined overnight in a blood-of-Christ marinade. “Who wants a wing? I got wings, thighs, you name it. And be sure to grab some host for sopping up the juices. Remember, whatever we don’t finish tonight will make for great sandwiches tomorrow.” Sources confirmed the cherub was the tastiest heavenly being the pope had prepared since last summer’s cookout in St. Peter’s Square, when His Holiness made beer-can seraphim on the grill.
Report: There Still Time To Convert To Christianity Before Christmas Starts #~# DURHAM, NC—Noting that adopting the religious belief system would allow individuals to fully enjoy the holiday season in all of its glory, a report released Tuesday by the Duke Divinity School revealed that there is still time to convert to Christianity before the start of Christmas. “Whether you’re a member of another faith, atheist, or agnostic, there’s ample time in the week leading up to Christmas to accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior,” the report read in part, adding that just by stopping at a nearby church and consulting with a pastor in the next four days, a person could make the yuletide gay with the comforting knowledge that God sacrificed his only son to die on the cross and be reborn for their sins. “Indeed, it takes but a second to allow Christ into your heart. And the relief that you’ll feel as you set up a nativity scene, hang mistletoe, rush out for last-minute gifts, and decorate your Christmas tree with fellow Christians will last forever.” The report also noted that for those who ignored these findings, there still remains all of eternity for them to burn in Hell.
2016 In The Economy #~# This year proved to be a steady one for the U.S. economy, despite many questionable mergers of major corporations. What do you think about the economy of 2016?
2016 In Technology #~# The year 2016 brought us runaway hit Pokémon Go and affordable personal VR systems. What do you think is the biggest technological development of 2016?
2016 In Sports #~# The NFL took a ratings hit this year, and the Summer Olympics impressed in Rio. What do you think is the biggest sports story this year?
2016 In International News #~# This year our ties with Russia reached a 40-year low and Britain sought to disengage from the EU. What do you consider the biggest international news story of the year?
Biden Donates Collection Of Classic Skin Mags To Those In Need During Holidays #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he hated the thought of the less fortunate having “an empty spank bank,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly donated a large collection of classic skin mags to a homeless shelter Monday to help those in need during the holidays. “You know, not everyone is as lucky as ol’ Joe, so I want to spread the holiday cheer and give those who are down on their luck some classy pics with plenty of blue-ribbon bush to keep their Yule log burning all night, if you catch my drift,” said Biden while carrying a cardboard box filled with vintage issues of High Society, Oui, and Swank, a dubbed VHS tape of Traci Lords’ Not Of This Earth, and half a dozen pepperoni sticks. “I just snagged these from around mi casa. Man, there’s some great shit in here, but sometimes you’ve got to share your blessings with those who don’t have much. Hell, I don’t use them all that much anymore, and the holidays can be pretty damn lonely.” At press time, sources confirmed Biden was carefully ripping several pages out of a 1973 copy of Penthouse after realizing he couldn’t part with a “hot little minx’s” centerfold.
The Onion’s 2016 Fish Of The Year Is…This Fish #~# Every 12 months, the editorial board of this newspaper convenes to select the recipient of our highest annual honor, and indeed, one of the most esteemed and renowned prizes in the world of journalism: The Onion’s Fish of the Year. The members of our selection committee do not take such a task lightly, and this year, as in all others, they closely and carefully evaluated the many available candidates on a wide variety of criteria, respecting the full weight of the accolade they were entrusted to bestow. 
NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations #~# NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates. “Effective immediately, all players will be expected to adhere to our official dress code when appearing in front of a judge in all civil and criminal matters, with violators subject to fines and other penalties,” said commissioner Roger Goodell, who added that players would undergo inspections prior to entering courtrooms to ensure compliance with measures that reportedly ban all jewelry, loafers, and any pinstriped clothing. “In addition to outlining the acceptable choice of suit cuts and fabrics, we have also included a list of the league’s pre-approved suit brands that players may select for their day in court. By setting these strict and clear standards, we are helping our players set a dignified and respectful tone when attending arraignments, trials, and sentencing hearings.” At press time, the NFL had reportedly already leveled $575,000 worth of fines in the hours following the announcement of the new rules.
Tips For Airing Grievances With Your Family #~# It’s always best to begin by addressing the concrete slights against you before moving on to abstract or imagined ones.
2016 In Entertainment #~# This year saw controversial Oscar nominations, a flareup in Kanye West–Taylor Swift drama, and the “mannequin challenge.” What do you think was the top entertainment story of 2016?
John Glenn Dead At 95 #~# Astronaut John Glenn, the first American to orbit the earth and later a record-setter for oldest person in space aboard a 1998 mission, has died at age 95. What do you think?
Best Sports Documentaries #~# With ESPN’s film OJ: Made In America emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.
Mom Much More Insistent About Getting Grandkids From One Child Than Other #~# FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him. “Whenever the family’s together, Mom’s always asking Matt when he and his wife are going to have a baby, even though we’re both married and I’m actually two years older than him,” said Koppel, adding that his mother has been repeatedly dropping hints about her desire to be a grandparent and talking about how cute his brother’s kids will be, but has never once inquired about the elder son’s desire to be a father or mentioned the fact she already had kids when she was his age. “Matt told me they went out for lunch last week and Mom was going on and on about how lucky her friends were to have grandkids and how much she’d love to babysit. Denise and I have been married for three years and I don’t think she’s ever mentioned being excited about us having kids or asked if we have any favorite baby names. Even Dad hasn’t said anything about it.” Koppel added that his family was also far less likely to complain about the fact that he had moved so far from home, despite his brother living about the same distance away as him.
Bikini Waxing Linked To STDs #~# A new report states that removal of pubic hair, such as bikini waxing, leads to higher likelihood of herpes, syphilis, and HPV due to a lack of hair to block harmful matter from entering any small cuts formed. What do you think?
Controversial ‘Heartbeat Bill’ Passes In Ohio #~# Ohio has passed a bill banning abortions from the moment a fetus develops a discernible heartbeat, or approximately six weeks into pregnancy. What do you think?
NFL To Curb Excessive Celebrations By Removing Areas Of Players’ Brains Responsible For Emotions #~# NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions. “In order to prevent any future incidents of unsportsmanlike behavior, we will be forcing every player to undergo a roughly 14-hour surgical procedure that will remove all parts of the cerebrum that correspond to experiencing feelings of any kind,” said Goodell, adding that in order to comply with rules regarding acceptable celebrations, players will no longer be permitted to possess the amygdala, hippocampus, prefrontal cortex, hypothalamus, or cingulate gyrus in their limbic systems beginning in week 15 of the regular season. “We’re confident that by surgically excising the neurological structures that allow players to feel joy, excitement, relief, pleasure, or any other emotion, our athletes will conduct themselves properly and represent their teams, the league, and the sport of football in the best manner possible.” At press time, the Pittsburgh Steelers confirmed that due to a serious surgical complication, star wide receiver Antonio Brown has been left in a permanent vegetative state.
Man Betrays His Heart By Telling Friend He Can Have Last Dumpling #~# SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling. “Yeah, go ahead,” said Werner, casually assenting in a manner that masked an ocean of pain and regret at having forever relinquished his claim to the fried pork-filled appetizer that, with the entirety of his being, he had so coveted. “No, it’s fine. All yours, man.” At press time, Werner had once again turned his back on his true yearnings by agreeing to split the check down the middle although he had ordered significantly less food.
New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office. “The primary goal of the EPA over the next four years will be to eliminate roughly one-third of our country’s carbon-based life-forms,” said Pruitt, who added that while flora- and fauna-rich states would feel the brunt of these cuts, he believed that such a bold initiative would be able to finally move the country away from outmoded biodiversity. “The job opportunities created by eliminating one of every three living things will be significant. And with these initial parameters in place, I’m hopeful that by 2040 the U.S. will be able to operate free from the burdens placed on it by the continued existence of any carbon-based organisms.” Pruitt pledged that any noncompliant ecosystems would face harsh penalties. 
Realistic Day Planner Only Includes First Couple Weeks After Purchase #~# LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase. “We wanted to make sure our products aligned with our consumers’ actual needs, so the new line of planners we launched for this holiday season only contains dates through the first half of January, and after that it’s blank,” said Mead brand manager Philip Walden, who added that, as a precautionary measure, the day planner features 14 date entries despite numerous consumer surveys showing that most people only used those on their planners’ first page. “We also included entries for March 11 through 13, as well as a couple random days in April and June, for when our customers suddenly feel guilty at various points in the year and try to take another stab at organizing their lives. The rest of the pages can be used for doodling, writing down grocery lists, or just as scrap paper.” Mead officials confirmed the realistic day planner had also been specially designed to fit seamlessly into any existing pile of clutter.
Hottest Items Of The 2016 Holiday Shopping Season #~# Need some holiday shopping inspiration? Here are the top-selling gifts in 2016.
3 Cups Of Coffee Confident They Can Take Man’s Anxiety From Here #~# BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here. “Ryan’s worries about an upcoming work presentation and his generalized unease about where he is in his life did a good job of setting us up this morning, but they can step aside because we’ve got this under control from here on out,” said the combined 36 ounces of medium roast Colombian coffee, claiming it would be no problem at all to sustain Hubbard’s debilitating self-consciousness around his coworkers and keep him continuously on edge without any assistance from his normal range of existential concerns. “Usually his relationship with his girlfriend and his discomfort in social situations does most of the heavy lifting, but with all our sugar and caffeine we’ll have no problem shouldering his constant anxiousness and making sure he’s a nervous wreck for the rest of the workday. We’ve totally got this. And we’ll make him extra high-strung, too, for good measure.” The three mugs of coffee added that while they were happy to keep the man unfocused and ill at ease for the next several hours, they were looking forward to calling it a day at 8 p.m. and turning over Hubbard’s anxiety to a quarter of a bottle of bourbon.
Matt Damon Dismisses ‘Whitewashing’ Controversy #~# Addressing criticism of his upcoming film Great Wall, in which he plays a savior of China, Matt Damon denied that his portrayal is an instance of Hollywood “whitewashing.” What do you think?
Donald Trump Named ‘Time’ Person Of The Year #~# Time magazine has selected Donald Trump as their Person of the Year for 2016. What do you think?
Scientists Make Discovery About World’s Silt Deposits But Understand If You Aren’t Interested In That #~# ‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists
Mom Calling To Ask If She Can Throw Away 3-Ring Binder From Middle School #~# ‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom
City Of Chicago Working Around Clock To Clear 18 Inches Of Bullet Casings From Streets #~# CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.
Hypochondriacs More Likely To Have Health Issues #~# A new study has concluded that adults with hypochondria, or baseless anxiety about one’s health, are more likely to suffer actual health problems like heart attacks. What do you think?
C-Sections Altering Evolution #~# Research confirms cesarean-section births are altering human evolution due to women’s increased ability to deliver children and impart their genes despite a narrow birth canal, a previously fatal condition for women and their infants in labor. What do you think?
Man Looks On Helplessly As Variants Of His Nickname Evolve And Multiply At Breakneck Speed #~# SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed. According to witnesses, Talbott quickly lost control of the situation after the first major mutation from “Bri” resulted in a half-dozen new variations, including “B-Rye” and “Big B,” all of which have gone on to propagate exponentially over the past several days and create their own entirely new strands of nicknames. Sources also said that Talbott could only watch in horror as every possible permutation of his name or initials was transformed further by the addition of rhyming words and suffixes like “-dog” and “-irino,” resulting in Talbott being referred to repeatedly in meetings and in the office break room as “Bri Guy,” “Talboss,” and numerous other monikers. At press time, a new nickname, “El Tigre,” appears to have emerged with characteristics completely independent from Talbott’s original name and has itself already produced more than a dozen variations.
Report: Bananas Still Most Popular Fruit For Pretending To Receive Phone Call #~# BALTIMORE—According to a report published Tuesday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University, bananas remain the overwhelming fruit of choice among individuals pretending to receive a telephone call. “Our research found that when subjects simulate the act of answering a phone, the banana is their preferred fruit nearly 100 percent of the time,” said report co-author Martha Gross, who noted that when people seated near a basket of assorted fruit begin to mimic the sound of a ringing telephone, they almost invariably choose to raise a banana to their ear, eschewing all other fruits. “During our study, we never once observed anyone shouting ‘Hello?’ into an apple, pausing for several moments as if listening to the other end of a conversation while holding a peach to the side of their face, or slamming down a bunch of grapes while saying ‘Click!’ For the vast majority of people who hold imaginary phone calls on pieces of fruit, it’s either a banana or nothing.” The report went on to state that a pear remains the most popular fruit to say “Breaker, breaker!” into and then imitate the static of a CB radio.
Trump Selects Ben Carson As HUD Secretary #~# Donald Trump has selected retired neurosurgeon and former Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson as head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development. What do you think?
Dakota Access Pipeline Blocked #~# The Army Corps of Engineers has decided to halt the construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline through Native American territory, a victory for the tribes and protesters who spent months fighting the proposal. What do you think?
Icy Snowball Can Already Tell It Going To Make 9-Year-Old Cry #~# BIDDEFORD, ME—Realizing it was almost entirely composed of hard, frozen chunks of ice, a densely packed snowball could reportedly tell Monday it was going to make local 9-year-old Jeremy Benkin cry. “Oh jeez, not only am I nearly solid, but I’m pretty big too—I’m going to absolutely destroy this kid,” said the snowball, noting that the completely oblivious child standing several feet away would most likely hit the ground upon being struck and, after the initial second or two of shock wore off, begin bawling at the top of his lungs. “I think I’ve got a couple shards of ice that will leave one hell of a mark on this kid’s face. God, he’s probably going to run screaming straight to his mom, and she’ll make everyone come inside.” At press time, the snowball reportedly expressed its disappointment after it failed to even break the kid’s skin.
Tips For Hotel Etiquette #~# Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter. “Holy shit, she looks like a 5-year-old standing next to him,” 29-year-old viewer Brad Murray said as Wilfork’s massive frame absolutely towered over the reporter, who conducted the interview normally as though she wasn’t alongside someone literally three times her size. “He has to lean all the way down just to speak into her microphone. She looks like she’s about average height, too, but she’d probably die if he accidentally fell on her.” At press time, Murray felt a sudden surge of terror after imagining someone of Wilfork’s size trying to hit him as hard as he could during a football game.
John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion #~# PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday. “Grab on, kid!” said Kerry, flinging the makeshift lifeline he had hacked off a tree with his machete to the rapidly sinking boy, an orphan who reportedly has tagged along with the American diplomat ever since helping him escape from Marrakesh police in 2013 via a series of hidden backstreets. “For a minute there, I thought I was going to lose you. I don’t know what I would’ve done with all that peace and quiet.” According to sources, the incident marks Drumstick’s closest brush with death since riding in a runaway mine cart in South Africa last year.
Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog #~# GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of Home On The Range Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture. “Jesus, did you see how close that dog came to the fire?” said visibly worried viewer Kelly Ashton, adding that there was simply no way the 1935 black-and-white adventure film would feature a reassuring “No animals were harmed in the making of this picture” disclaimer. “They definitely didn’t have the technology to fake something like that back then, and they must have done a bunch of takes before getting the right shot. Oh God, they probably had multiple dogs on set too, so if one got burned, they could just swap in another. Ugh, this is stressful to watch.” Ashton went on to say that while the dog at least appeared to stay out of danger throughout the rest of the movie, she was fairly certain that at least four of the horses had to be put down after filming.
White House Supports Military Draft Registration For Women #~# Calling it a “commitment to equity,” the Obama administration has announced it supports requiring women to register for a military draft as men do. What do you think?
NFL Announcer Better Hurry The Fuck Up Congratulating Producer On New Baby And Get Back To Game #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Noting with urgency that play was about to resume after a brief timeout on the field, sources confirmed Sunday that CBS announcer Jim Nantz better hurry the fuck up congratulating one of the broadcast’s producers on his new baby and get back to the Packers-Texans game. “Okay, he had a baby—good for him—but there’s a football game happening right now that I’d like to actually watch,” said 33-year-old viewer Chuck Prescott of Beaumont, TX, adding that Nantz and commentator Phil Simms had already wasted enough goddamn time showing pictures of the longtime producer’s newborn daughter onscreen as they welcomed “the newest member of the CBS Sports family.” “I can still hear the crowd in the background, so they need to get their asses in gear and put the game back on, because I better not miss a big play for this shit. Why couldn’t they have just done this at halftime?” At press time, the Packers had converted on third-and-long while Nantz and Simms were droning on about their support and best wishes for some fucking sound technician who is currently undergoing treatment for cancer.
‘You Hate To See That,’ Announces Fan Secretly Thrilled About Rival Player’s Injury #~# BALTIMORE—Wincing and shaking his head at the sight of trainers assisting the opposing team’s running back off the field, 34-year-old Baltimore Ravens fan Bobby Ferrara announced Sunday that “you hate to see that” while secretly feeling thrilled about the injury. “Oh man, I hope he’s okay—you never want someone to have to leave the game like that,” said Ferrara, who privately experienced a mixture of immense relief and elation over the fact that the other team’s greatest scoring threat would be immediately replaced by his rookie backup, likely forcing their offense to become one-dimensional. “He’s such a great player. Hopefully it’s nothing serious.” At press time, Ferrara’s heart had reportedly sunk as he muttered “Good to hear” upon learning the star back would be returning in time for the fourth quarter.
‘Rocky’ Turns 40 #~# Rocky, the iconic sleeper hit about a working-class boxer who takes on the reigning heavyweight champion, debuted on this weekend in 1976, eventually grossing $225 million and spawning six sequels. What do you think?
Penn State Staff Unsure What To Do With Breathtakingly Innovative Defensive Playbooks Jerry Sandusky Keeps Sending Them #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA—Members of the Penn State football coaching staff revealed to reporters Friday that they have no idea what to do with the unbelievably innovative defensive playbooks former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky continues to send them on a regular basis.
Reason Man Turning To Religion Later In Life Must Be Horrifying #~# STROUDSBURG, PA—Saying the middle-aged man had adopted a devout life of piety seemingly out of nowhere, acquaintances of local resident Paul D’Amato reported Friday that the reason he was turning to religion later in life must be completely horrifying. “He just started going to church for the very first time a couple months ago even though he’s 49 years old, and now he wears a cross and everything—boy, you’ve got to think it was something pretty terrible that made him religious at this point,” said coworker Jessica Redmond, who explained that because D’Amato was all of a sudden attending multiple services per week and now often peppers his conversations with mentions of the light that Jesus provides to his life, the cause of his religious awakening was almost certainly “really, really bad.” “The guy’s nearly 50, and now he finds God right out of the blue? I bet it’s something with drugs. Or maybe he killed someone in a car accident. Either way, something super messed up happened to him.” At press time, speculation about D’Amato’s circumstances had grown more rampant after sources confirmed he had volunteered to read a passage from Ephesians about forgiveness and redemption during last week’s services at the local Presbyterian church.
Best Sports Video Games Of All Time #~# With titles such as FIFA 17 and NBA 2K17 expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg Debating Whether To Cancel Winter Vacation Climbing K2 #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting that it might be nice to just relax and take it easy over the next several weeks, Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 83, was reportedly debating Friday whether to cancel her upcoming winter vacation plans to scale the world’s second-highest mountain, K2. “Maybe it’s wiser not to go, since the weather is supposed to be pretty bad up there this time of the year—although I have always wanted to summit K2 without any supplemental oxygen, and these upcoming weeks seem like the perfect occasion,” said the liberal-leaning 23-year veteran of the nation’s highest court, who later added that she might just take a slightly less strenuous route than the notoriously difficult South Face for her ascent of the 28,251-foot peak instead. “If I still want to do something in the mountains, I could always go heli-skiing up in the Monashees. Though getting out on the water sounds good too, so maybe some cave diving would be nice. Or should I finally take a trip to Yosemite and do that free-solo climb of El Capitan I’ve been planning forever?” At press time, Ginsburg accepted an invitation from 78-year-old Justice Stephen Breyer to spend their winter vacation going BASE jumping in the insurgent-held Borno region of Nigeria.
How To Stay Politically Active After The Election #~# The election results have left many people with the urge to stay politically engaged and keep fighting for change. Here are some ways to make a difference whether your chosen candidate won or lost:
Reddit Cracks Down On ‘Toxic’ Users #~# Reddit co-founder Steve Huffman has announced a new push to crack down on the site’s “most troublesome users,” banning pages where moderators are abused by trolls. What do you think?
PTSD Treated With Ecstasy #~# A new treatment for soldiers suffering PTSD combines pure ecstasy with psychotherapy, a regimen that has seen overwhelmingly positive results and one that could be approved for widespread use by 2021. What do you think?
Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises? #~# President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
Mom Wants One Of Those Things Your Sister Has For Christmas #~# ​CHICAGO—Noting that your sibling always mentions that she really likes hers and uses it all the time, your mother confirmed Thursday that she wants one of those things your sister has for Christmas. “Oh, I don’t need much—you could just get me that thing your sister got a while back,” said Mom, adding that she thinks you can buy them from Target, but if you can’t find them there, they’ll probably have them at the mall or maybe on the internet. “Just tell your sister it’s the thing she showed me when we came over for dinner. I said I thought it was neat. She’ll know what you’re talking about.” At press time, Mom added that if the thing was unavailable, a gift certificate for that one place you went to once would also be nice.
Facebook User Verifies Truth Of Article By Carefully Checking It Against Own Preconceived Opinions #~# CLARKSVILLE, TN—Explaining that people need to be critical of the news stories that circulate on social media these days, area Facebook user James Wheatley, 44, reportedly took the time to verify the truth of an article he came across Thursday by carefully checking it against the opinions he already holds. “You can’t just accept everything you see online, which is why I always take a closer look at the claims that are made in every article and make sure that each one of them is backed up by my existing assumptions and personal feelings about the world,” said Wheatley, who told reporters he had to correct several friends on Facebook earlier this week after an investigation of his beliefs and individual political perspectives proved the articles they had posted to be entirely false. “There are all kinds of bogus news stories out there, so it’s important to take a step back and hold each article up against my personal convictions to find out for myself whether what I’m reading is true or not. It’s pretty sad, but once I got in the habit of looking at articles this way, I could see just how many awful sites there are on the internet that don’t even adhere to the most basic tenets of my individual worldview, so now I just disregard them completely.” At press time, Wheatley was said to have shared the article he had verified this morning along with a message demanding his friends “educate [themselves] about what’s really happening in the world.”
Religion Triggers Brain’s Reward Centers #~# A recent study conducted MRI scans on devout Mormons as they prayed and found that religious thoughts activated the same reward centers in the brain as things like love, music, and even drugs. What do you think?
Disney Introduces First Hispanic Princess #~# In a bid to appeal to Latino and Hispanic families, Disney announced it will debut its first Hispanic princess, Elena, in the animated Disney Junior show Elena Of Avalor. What do you think?
2015 Tech Trends #~# Showcasing everything from wearable devices to self-driving cars and personal drones, this year’s Consumer Electronics Show revealed the latest in new technology. Here’s a look at tech trends for 2015:
Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials #~# The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others. Here are the most controversial Super Bowl commercials of all time:
Americans Expected To Spend $703 Million On Pets For Valentine’s Day #~# According to the National Retail Federation, Americans are expected to spend a collective $703 million on gifts for their pets this Valentine’s Day such as treats, heart-shaped toys, and more. What do you think?
Man Carefully Settles On Backup Channel For When Airing Of ‘Gladiator’ Goes To Commercial #~# CINCINNATI—Ensuring he would be exposed to minimal amounts of advertisements and downtime in his entertainment, local man Eric Sackett carefully settled on a backup channel to watch whenever AMC’s airing of the film Gladiator entered a commercial break, sources confirmed Friday.
Katy Perry Drops Hints That Super Bowl Halftime Show Will Be Awful #~# PHOENIX—Stressing that she didn’t want to divulge too much information about the upcoming performance, pop star Katy Perry dropped several hints at a press conference Friday indicating that this weekend’s Super Bowl XLIX halftime show will be completely awful. “I don’t want to give anything away, but I will say this: Come halftime on Sunday, you better be ready to see the absolute worst, most god-awful piece of garbage you could possibly imagine,” said a smiling Perry, cryptically adding that fans could expect to see several surprise guests join her for “some lame duet performance that no one would ever want to see or hear in a million years.” “I can’t wait for you guys to see what Lenny [Kravitz] and I have planned, because you’ll be blown away at just how unbelievably terrible it is. The whole thing is going to be one giant, extremely over-the-top, 12-minute-long, pathetic excuse for entertainment that will be totally unwatchable. Trust me, you’re going to hate it—just absolutely hate it.” Despite guaranteeing that this Sunday’s halftime show will easily be one of the worst of all time, Perry did admit that it will be difficult to top last year’s giant heap of dog shit starring Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
All Of Man’s Accomplishments Overshadowed By Hefty Birth Weight #~# RICHBORO, PA—Saying that no other fact about him elicits more interest and attention from others, local man Travis Whitaker explained to reporters Friday how all of his numerous accomplishments are routinely overshadowed by his hefty birth weight of 10 pounds, 6 ounces. “You know, I’ve risen pretty far at my law firm in only a few years, I ran track at college, and I’ve played piano my whole life, but as soon as people find out how much I weighed as a newborn, all of that goes right out the window, and they just want to talk about how much bigger I was than regular babies,” said Whitaker after excusing himself from a break room conversation that was sidetracked by a question about whether he “look[ed] like the Michelin Man” back then. “I always get a way bigger reaction to that than when I talk about my trip to Patagonia or the law journal article I had published. Once they hear how large I was, their eyes just light up, and all they care about is asking to see my baby pictures so they can look at my big chubby cheeks.” At press time, sources confirmed that a coworker was interrupting Whitaker’s story about studying abroad for a year in Venice to say that his delivery must have been hell on his mother.
Denver Airport Bans Marijuana-Themed Souvenirs #~# Denver International Airport has announced it will no longer sell marijuana-themed souvenirs and gifts because it doesn’t want people to just associate Colorado with pot tourism, saying, “There’s a lot more to our state than marijuana.” What do you think?
The Pros And Cons Of Fracking #~# Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment. Here are some pros and cons of fracking:
Pepperidge Factory Farm Under Fire For Inhumane Treatment Of Milanos #~# NORWALK, CT—Following the release of an investigative report earlier this week detailing the cramped and unsanitary conditions within its facilities, Pepperidge Factory Farm has come under considerable fire from snack rights groups for its inhumane treatment of Milanos. “This report documents an absolutely appalling environment within Pepperidge Factory Farm, including the use of small, filthy cages that are routinely packed full of helpless Mint and Dark Chocolate Milanos without any paper doilies separating them,” said outspoken snack advocate Amanda Lepore, who called out Pepperidge Factory Farmhands for subjecting the cookies to a disturbing series of treatments that consist of pumping them full of additives, chemicals, and fat. “What’s most tragic is that many of these weak and vulnerable Milanos are so poorly handled and mistreated that they suffer extensive crumbling and even fractures in their biscuit shells, exposing their delicate chocolate and orange-flavored fillings to the elements. That is no way to treat these sumptuous sweets.” Despite finding equally contaminated and overcrowded conditions in Pepperidge Factory Farm’s Goldfish enclosures, the report noted that every one of the crackers appeared visibly happy and content with its surroundings.
Man Figures He Has 2 More Bites Of Roommate’s Leftovers Before It Noticeable #~# BRIDGEPORT, CT—Examining the contents of a plastic takeout container while standing at the open refrigerator, 23-year-old Andrew Beyer reportedly estimated Wednesday that he could safely have two more bites of his roommate’s leftover chicken pad thai before any decrease in volume became noticeable. “He probably doesn’t remember exactly how much was in there, so I can just grab a couple more bites and then fluff it up a little with the fork,” said Beyer as he carefully extracted a piece of chicken that was hidden at the bottom of the container beneath a mass of rice noodles. “You definitely can’t tell, yet. I could probably get away with snagging a few more noodles and maybe a piece of carrot. But that’s it. I don’t want the ratio to look off.” At press time, Beyer was frantically trying to remember which way the takeout container was facing in the refrigerator.
Man Old Enough To Know How Rest Of Life Pretty Much Plays Out #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Acknowledging it was unlikely that he would encounter any more big surprises at this point, local man Eric Gibson told reporters Thursday that he is now old enough to know pretty much how the rest of his life is going to play out. “I’m fairly far along in my career, so I probably won’t change jobs before I step down at 65 or take an early retirement package due to corporate downsizing,” said the 46-year-old father of two, who confirmed that he has no real reason to move someplace different as he only has 14 years remaining on his home mortgage. “My wife and I are definitely done having kids, and I can only assume that our sexual activity will continue to taper off. I’ll probably buy a new car somewhere along the way and maybe make two or three new friends here or there. Otherwise, I’ll just be working, watching TV from 7 to 10 most nights, and eating from the same steady rotation of home-cooked meals and local takeout options while my health declines little by little. Yeah, that pretty much covers all of it.” Gibson conceded that there did remain a touch of mystery, however, as he was still unsure whether he’d eventually pass in his mid-70s from heart disease, stroke, or diabetes.
Patriots Really Embracing ‘Us Against The Rules’ Mentality #~# PHOENIX—Amid widespread criticism over using illegally under-inflated footballs in the AFC Championship Game, coaches and players from the New England Patriots revealed Thursday that they are fully embracing an “Us Against The Rules” mentality heading into Super Bowl XLIX. “At the end of the day, that ‘Us Against The Rules’ attitude just motivates us to go out there and play our game the way we do best,” said quarterback Tom Brady, praising his team’s ability to pull together in the face of all the standard rules and regulations in the NFL. “But honestly, it feels like it’s us against the rules every season. It certainly felt that way during all the other Super Bowls we’ve played in, and after a while you just have to own it. It’s not always easy, but it’s just part of playing for the New England Patriots.” Brady went on to credit the mindset for inspiring the team’s past success, noting that it is that much more satisfying when the Patriots come out on top.
Consumption Of Buncha Crunch Reverently Paused During Unsettling Scenes Of ‘American Sniper’ #~# EDINA, MN—Despite thoroughly enjoying the chocolate candy as she watched the film, local woman Jessica Kirby reverently paused from eating Buncha Crunch Thursday during an unsettling scene in American Sniper, sources confirmed. According to reports, Kirby refrained from chewing the bite-size pieces of milk chocolate and crisped rice throughout the tense moment when Bradley Cooper’s character trains his sniper rifle on a small Iraqi boy, respectfully holding the candy in the side of her mouth as the action unfolded on-screen. Sources went on to say, however, that Kirby kept her fingers close to the opening of the Buncha Crunch box in her lap in order to quickly retrieve another piece of chocolate when the camera cut to a less disturbing scene. At press time, Kirby was unsure if she could refrain from drinking her soda for the entirety of the main character’s heartbreaking struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder.
Koch Brothers To Spend Historic $889 Million On 2016 Elections #~# Conservative industrialist billionaire brothers David and Charles Koch have announced that their network of political organizations will spend a total of $889 million to influence the outcome of the 2016 elections, on par with what the GOP and Democratic parties are each likely to spend. What do you think?
$300 Tax Refund Used To Justify $700 Worth Of Miscellaneous Purchases #~# PEORIA, IL—Noting how the considerable windfall had greatly improved his finances, local man Ryan Hanson confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he had used his $300 tax refund to justify nearly $700 worth of miscellaneous purchases. “Getting a refund that big allowed me to buy some important essentials, like groceries, gas, a new phone, a North Face jacket, some bluetooth speakers, guitar lessons, seasons 1 through 5 of 24 on DVD, and some paintball gear,” said Hanson who, after receiving a check from the federal government, went on to spend more than twice the refunded amount as "a well-deserved treat to [himself]" after a long year at work. “I owed a lot in taxes last year, so it’s really nice to get money back this time around. There's nothing like having the IRS pay you money and then immediately turning around and exhausting it all and then some on empty impulse buys.” At press time, Hanson had reportedly opened an email on his newly purchased tablet alerting him of insufficient funds in his checking account.
Natural Selection Kills 38 Quadrillion Organisms In Bloodiest Day Yet #~# EARTH—In a seemingly unstoppable cycle of carnage that has become tragically commonplace throughout the biosphere, sources confirmed this morning that natural selection has killed an estimated 38 quadrillion organisms in its bloodiest day yet.
Modern-Day Lancelot Offers To Pay For Abortion #~# ST. LOUIS—His seed having taken hold within the loins of his beloved, modern-day Lancelot Aaron Grimaldi selflessly proffered a goodly portion of his wages Wednesday to pay for his fair lady Kelly Webster’s abortion. “You can put the whole thing on my card,” said Grimaldi, who had also gallantly ferried the maiden in his horseless carriage to their village’s Planned Parenthood clinic. “I’m going to kill some time at Best Buy. I’ll swing by in about an hour, but text me if you get done before that or if it’s gonna be a much longer thing.” At press time, Grimaldi had squired Webster to a sumptuous feast at Denny’s and was eyeing the ample bosom of a comely young wench who strode forth bearing lunch.
Receipt Brazenly Placed In Bag Without Permission #~# DAVENPORT, IA—Calling the conduct an affront to common decency, local Walgreens customer David Nivola confirmed that his receipt had been brazenly placed in his bag without his permission Wednesday. “Am I seeing things, or did you just put that receipt into my bag without even thinking to ask first?” said an incredulous Nivola, receiving vocal support from customers behind him in the checkout line who reportedly appeared equally stunned and offended by the cashier’s audacity. “A man has a right to be asked for consent before you do something like that. Jesus, look at it in there right alongside my items. You’re lucky I don’t return all this stuff and walk right out the door.” Nivola added he was amazed the cashier even had the common courtesy to ask if it was okay to place the items in one bag instead of two.
Measles Epidemic 2015: A Timeline Of The Outbreak #~# Health officials recently announced that an outbreak of measles they believe originated in Disneyland last December has now spread to multiple states, and experts have linked the epidemic to the growing anti-vaccination movement among parents. Here is a timeline of the recent outbreak in California:
Warren Buffett Can’t Believe He Has To Live Next To Powerball Winner #~# OMAHA, NE—Shaking his head as workers installed a fountain on his neighbor’s front lawn, business magnate Warren Buffett told reporters Wednesday that he cannot believe he’s stuck living next to the latest recipient of a Powerball jackpot. “Oh, what a treat, I get to be neighbors with some guy who walked into a gas station one day and asked a computer to pick six numbers,” said the multibillionaire investor, closing his window to avoid hearing the electronic dance music blasting from the $600 million prize winner’s poolside speaker system. “A Lamborghini, too? How original. I have no idea where this chump was living last week, but I give him one, two years tops before he blows it all and has to crawl back with his tail between his legs.” At press time, the so-called Oracle of Omaha was instructing his personal assistant to politely decline his neighbor’s invitation to go bison hunting together from his new helicopter.
Taiwan Building Sex-Themed Amusement Park Called ‘Romantic Boulevard’ #~# According to reports, Taiwan is planning to open a love- and sex-themed amusement park called Romantic Boulevard, which will feature erotic sculptures, sex education videos, and more. What do you think?
Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds, A-Rod Spring To Patriots’ Defense Over Deflated Footballs #~# NEW YORK—Calling the recent scandal nothing more than a witch hunt, famed athletes Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds, and Alex Rodriguez issued a joint statement Tuesday vehemently defending the New England Patriots against accusations that the team cheated by using deflated footballs in last week’s AFC Championship Game. “First and foremost, it is irresponsible for anyone to lobby accusations such as these without indisputable proof,” read the statement, which echoed the official stances of Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Marion Jones, Ryan Braun, Luis Suarez, Ben Johnson, Tim Donaghy, and the entire roster of the 1972 U.S.S.R. Olympic basketball team, all of whom have also staunchly come out in support of the Patriots this week. “It could have been the cold weather, or it easily could have been the result of breaking the balls in during warmups. Plus, what advantage could it have possibly provided? They were heavy favorites to win in the first place. Regardless, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady gave us their word that they had no knowledge of any tampering and, quite frankly, that should be enough.” The statement concluded that, should the Patriots be found guilty, one black mark would certainly not invalidate all of their past achievements.
Report: NFL Investigating Patriots Locker Room Attendant For ‘Deflategate’ #~# The NFL is reportedly zeroing in on a New England Patriots locker room attendant as a “person of interest” in the so-called Deflategate scandal, in which 11 of 12 Patriots footballs used during the AFC title game were found to be under-inflated, with one source claiming a team employee took two bags of 12 balls into a single bathroom stall before the game. What do you think?
Bobby Jindal Not Sure He Willing To Put Family Through 2-Month Presidential Campaign #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—Citing the intense pressures and scrutiny placed on political candidates and the people in their lives, Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal announced Tuesday that he’s not sure he wants to put his family through the rigors of a two-month presidential campaign.
Nation’s Landmarks Piled In Single Location For Easier Monitoring #~# BROADWATER, NE—In a move aimed at protecting the nation’s natural and historical heritage from potential threats, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced this week it had relocated all major American landmarks into one big, carefully guarded pile in the center of the country.
I Would Never Ask An Audience To Put Their Hands In The Air Were I Not Willing To Do The Same #~# When I take the stage, it is my foremost responsibility to ensure that those attending my concert enjoy themselves, and that is an obligation I do not take lightly. With a crowd of thousands relying on me to deliver an exhilarating performance, it is crucial that every one of my fans trusts that I will do not just what is necessary for them to have a memorable evening, but also what is right. So, in order to remove any doubt about my commitment to the people in this or any amphitheater, let me promise you all this: I would never, ever ask an audience to put their hands in the air were I myself not willing to do the same.
Vatican Replaces Doves With Balloons As Symbol Of Peace #~# The Vatican traditionally releases a pair of doves on the last Sunday of January to symbolize peace, but after last year’s event, in which the doves were immediately attacked by a seagull and a black crow, the Vatican decided this year to release colorful balloons instead. What do you think?
Marshawn Lynch Delivers Eloquent 45-Minute Address On Privacy In The Modern Age #~# PHOENIX—Explaining his position on the sociological issue during a Tuesday press conference at Super Bowl Media Day, Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch reportedly delivered an incredibly thoughtful and eloquent 45-minute address on the topic of privacy in the 21st century. “While increasingly exhaustive access to media has delivered many benefits to the American way of life, this same heightened scrutiny has simultaneously imposed progressively greater obstacles to our personal privacy, thus presenting ethical challenges unique to the internet age,” said the five-time Pro Bowler, calmly strolling back and forth with a microphone in hand while making eye contact with each individual member of the assembled national sports media. “Privacy versus accessibility; secrecy versus convenience; the individual versus the greater virtual communities of the digital landscape. At first blush, these appear to be the fundamental poles around which the modern privacy debate circles, but they have only grown more multifaceted and complex as the technological paradigm perpetually shifts. When meditating on the give-and-take of ever-evolving technology, I am often reminded of a quote from George Orwell: ‘Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it.’ Could it be, in perhaps the ultimate irony, that with every technological advancement, with every marvel of engineering that seemingly brings us closer together and rips down the very walls that once divided the world, that with every such step forward, we have become ever more guarded about our own personal boundaries and the information we are comfortable sharing with one another? And in doing so, do we in fact chip away at the very core of what makes for a civilized society, and in an even broader sense, the very notion of being human? For to be human is inherently to be social, and yet it is also to desire control. With the public domain seemingly encompassing a greater and greater volume of personal information, that control has been ceded. The so-called right to privacy, as it were, is no longer a right inasmuch as it is now a privilege, to be enjoyed until it is torn away at a moment’s notice. Conversely, we so often desire to break down that same right to privacy of our fellow human beings, shielding ourselves while exposing others, just as a snake devours its own tail. Perhaps the biggest question of all is whether privacy itself—at least in the traditional sense—even exists in today’s world, or if it is simply a relic of a past time that bears no more meaning or significance than Aristotelian physics or the idea of a geocentric universe. Simple answers to such queries do not exist, I’m afraid, but in exploring them, we can at the very least hold a mirror to society and possibly even to ourselves—and that is something I hope to accomplish with all of you here today.” Following his lengthy treatise, Lynch stressed that he was only capable of delivering a cursory examination of such an extensive issue during his allotted time and urged those in attendance to contact him with any questions if they wished to discuss the matter in greater depth.
Guidebook Writer Stumbles Upon New England Town Too Quaint For Human Eyes #~# STABLETON, NH—After winding her way down an unmarked country road past several rolling hills and fast-flowing brooks, guidebook writer Kara Wellington reportedly emerged into a New England town Tuesday that was too charming to be gazed upon by human eyes. “My God, the rows of colonial homes with snow-laden eaves, the village green shaded by a stately sugar maple, the old stone inn lit by antique gas lamps—old-fashioned New England rusticity this potent must never be seen!” said Wellington as she shielded her eyes from the postcard-perfect white steeple of the town church, causing her to stumble backward into a bronze plaque commemorating something called the Ezra Wheeler Homestead, the overwhelming quaintness of which caused her to flee back to her car. “No one can ever know of the picturesque cobblestone main street or the darling penny candy shop that continues to operate as if untouched by time. No, a hamlet this idyllic mustn’t be written about, highlighted as a weekend getaway, or given a four-diamond award. Mankind was not meant to look upon such quiet, timeless splendor.” At press time, Wellington was terrified to realize that the only way out of town was through a most exquisite covered bridge dating back to 1831.
Law-Abiding Citizen Keeps Herself On Track With Weekly Cheat Day #~# NEW YORK—Saying that sometimes she just needs a little break from her daily regimen, law-abiding citizen Karen Garver told reporters Tuesday that she keeps herself on track with a weekly cheat day in which she allows herself to commit any crime she wants. “I’m pretty strict Sunday through Friday, but come Saturday I tell myself it’s okay to bend the rules a little and improperly dispose of hazardous substances or rob a liquor store,” said Garver, explaining that by setting aside one day a week during which she can evade tax regulations, cause thousands of dollars in property damage, or assault a stranger, she’s able to resist temptation the rest of the week. “Being able to pause from living within the law now and then definitely helps keep me on the right path. Sometimes I’ll make a big day out of it with my girlfriends and we’ll all go out and set a forest fire, and then lead police on a high-speed chase through a crowded residential neighborhood.” Garver said she will let herself off the leash entirely during an upcoming 10-day vacation, however, noting that she doesn’t know when she’ll ever be back to Europe and therefore plans to break whatever Italian laws she pleases.
Family Lets Cars Come Inside House During Snowstorm #~# AMHERST, MA—In anticipation of significant snow accumulation and frigid temperatures brought on by a massive winter storm, the Wallace family reportedly decided to let their cars come inside the house Monday to keep warm during the blizzard. “Usually we just keep them outside, but seeing them sitting out there in the snow and freezing cold just broke our hearts, so my husband and I decided to bring the SUV and sedan inside to get toasty,” said Elizabeth Wallace before rubbing the ice-cold hood of their beloved 11-year-old Pontiac G6 to help warm it up. “Even after idling in the kitchen for a while, they both still seemed chilly, so we let them come right up next to the fire for a while, which seemed to help. I hope they understand that this is just for tonight.” At press time, the family was irritated after noticing their 2012 Toyota Highlander had tracked mud all over the carpet.
NYC Facing ‘Potentially Historic’ Blizzard #~# New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said the blizzard expected to hit today could be “one of the largest snowstorms in the history of this city.” What do you think?
NYC Mayor: ‘Reconcile Yourselves With Your God, For All Will Perish In The Tempest’ #~# NEW YORK—As a major winter storm continued its advance toward New York City, Mayor Bill de Blasio advised residents Monday to make peace with whatever higher power they call God, for all shall meet their death in the coming tempest. “The furious hoarfrost bearing down upon us knows neither mercy nor reason, and all within the five boroughs will perish, cowering in their brittle dwellings,” said de Blasio, adding that none would find succor from the gale save those favored by providence to pass quietly in their sleep. “This shall be a tempest the likes of which has never been glimpsed by man or beast. Clutch your babes close to your breast and take small comfort in knowing that they will howl for but a few hours before death becalms them forever.” De Blasio added that, barring an unexpected intensification in the storm, normal subway and bus service would resume Wednesday.
Fascinating Man Went To Same High School As Professional Athlete #~# YORK, PA—Enthralling all those around him with the riveting details of his past, sources confirmed Monday that 24-year-old Kevin Laver, a totally and utterly fascinating man, actually attended the same high school as professional basketball player Gordon Hayward. “Yeah, Gordon was in my grade, and we actually had a biology class together sophomore year,” said the captivating man, who only added further intrigue to his unbelievably interesting backstory upon mentioning that Hayward was “really tall, even back then.” “He was obviously the best player on the basketball team, and everyone basically knew he was going to the NBA. One of my buddies was on the team with him, and apparently they still text each other once in a while.” In a further demonstration of his undeniable value as a human being, Laver added that he saw Hayward at a shopping mall two years ago while visiting home for the holidays, but didn’t talk to him.
Mother Provides Adult Son With List Of Questions To Ask Doctor #~# MCKINNEY, TX—Instructing him to inquire about everything from his occasional sinus problems to his thyroid levels, local mother Kim Swailes provided her 32-year-old son Patrick Swailes with a list of questions to ask his doctor ahead of an upcoming appointment, sources confirmed Monday. “Make sure to ask them about your stomach issues, and have them check your blood pressure—your dad’s been having trouble with his cholesterol lately,” Swailes told her son over the phone, making the man who has lived on his own for over a decade promise to verify that all his immunizations were up to date and to ask about the meningitis outbreak she recently heard about on the evening news. “And see if he thinks you should get that mole on your back checked out, too. I know it’s been there your whole life, but it can’t hurt to have him take a look.” Sources later confirmed that, apropos of nothing, Swailes reminded her adult son that if he doesn’t wear sunglasses in the sun, he could get cataracts.
Area Man Totally Blows His Chance To See ‘Exodus: Gods And Kings’ In Theaters #~# STOW, MA—Disappointed after realizing the high-budget biblical epic was no longer playing at his local cinema, area man Will Johnson lamented to reporters Monday that he had totally blown his chance to see Exodus: Gods And Kings in theaters. “Dammit, I should’ve just gone last weekend when I had the time, but I was too busy rewatching [The Hobbit:] The Battle Of The Five Armies,” said the regretful man, who, in an admittedly egregious and inexcusable oversight, spurned opportunity after opportunity to see the special-effects-heavy Ridley Scott blockbuster during its nationwide theatrical run. “Sure, it’ll eventually come out on Netflix and iTunes, but seeing it on some dinky TV isn’t the same as experiencing the rush of watching Christian Bale take on the pharaoh with 200 other people. That only happens once, and I blew it.” Johnson added that, though it will in no way rectify the error, he hopes he’ll get a second chance to see the film on the big screen during the Exodus: Gods And Kings 10th or 20th anniversary rerelease.
Study: 1 In 5 Spouses Commits ‘Financial Infidelity’ #~# A new study conducted by the site CreditCards.com has found that one in five married people in the U.S. commits so-called financial infidelity by hiding purchases from their partner, with men twice as likely as women to make secret purchases on items like electronics. What do you think?
Liquor’s Neon Coloring Likely Good Measure Of Its Excellence #~# URBANA, IL—Having located a particularly enticing varietal after several minutes of meticulous perusal, local woman Evie Crane, 23, told reporters Friday that the vividness and intensity of the alcoholic beverage’s neon coloring was surely a strong indicator of its excellence. “One look at this drink's exquisite fluorescent green hues, and even an unrefined eye could discern that it is of the highest quality and the perfect complement to an elegant evening's festivities,” said Crane while standing in the refrigerated section at Buy-Lo Wine & Spirits and carefully inspecting the sophisticated drink to determine its other vital attributes, such as its fizziness, level of tropical fruit flavor, and the fancifulness of the font on the label. “The interplay of the lemon and lime in this lesser vintage is titillating, no question, but the striking emerald iridescence of the sour apple varietal suggests a crisp mouth feel and an elegant finish. At $2.79, it is truly an exceptional find.” At press time, Crane was overheard asking the house sommelier for his recommendations after sliding her I.D. through a bulletproof glass barrier.
Biden Co-Presents Best New Starlet Award With Shyla Stylez At 2015 AVN Adult Movie Awards Show #~# LAS VEGAS—After winking and giving a thumbs-up to several female attendees seated in the front row as he crossed the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino stage, Vice President Joe Biden presented the trophy for Best New Starlet alongside pornographic actress Shyla Stylez at Saturday’s 2015 AVN Awards. “This is my favorite category every year—it always gets me hard as a rock,” said the vice president before listing off the names of the nominees and offering an open invitation to each of the erotic film actresses to stop by his room at the Golden Nugget. “While Uncle Joe’s personally squeezed one off to each of the talented and hot-to-trot nominees, we can only have one Best New Starlet. And the winner is.” The vice president then feigned difficulty opening the envelope, claiming that whoever sealed it must have forgotten to wipe their hands.
Study: Dog Movies Spur Adoption For Up To 10 Years #~# A study has found that popular dog movies can boost adoption of featured breeds for up to 10 years after their release, though in previous cases, many families have quickly returned dogs they were not prepared to own. What do you think?
New NCAA Regulations Prohibit Student-Athletes From Studying More Than 30 Hours Per Week #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Hailing the importance of maintaining a proper balance between education and sports, the NCAA announced new regulations Friday prohibiting student-athletes from dedicating more than 30 hours each week to studying. “Effective immediately, student-athletes are restricted to engaging in academically-related activities for a maximum of four hours each day,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert, noting that the new “30/10-hour” rule limits the amount of time players may spend in classrooms, libraries, and other educational facilities to 30 hours per week during the semester and 10 hours per week over summer break. “Attending lectures, completing coursework, and seeking additional tutoring will all be counted toward the weekly cap, and individuals failing to abide by this new protocol will be required to scale back their hours until they are once again eligible to study.” Emmert added that any student-athlete found in violation of the new protocol could receive an indefinite ban from participating in all course examinations and final projects.
I Don’t Vaccinate My Child Because It’s My Right To Decide What Eliminated Diseases Come Roaring Back #~# As a mother, I put my parenting decisions above all else. Nobody knows my son better than me, and the choices I make about how to care for him are no one’s business but my own. So, when other people tell me how they think I should be raising my child, I simply can’t tolerate it. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, I fully stand behind my choices as a mom, including my choice not to vaccinate my son, because it is my fundamental right as a parent to decide which eradicated diseases come roaring back.
Study Links Negative Tweets To More Heart Disease #~# According to a new study, tweets that convey negative emotions such as hate, hostility, or boredom correlate to higher rates of heart disease-related deaths in the surrounding community. What do you think?
Medical Breakthrough Provides Elderly Woman With 2 Extra Years Of Inconveniencing Family #~# MUNCIE, IN—Saying that the experimental procedure was a complete success, doctors at Muncie’s Ball Memorial Hospital confirmed Friday that a recent medical breakthrough has provided 89-year-old Anna Goldman with an additional two years of inconveniencing her family. “We’re pleased to report that Ms. Goldman’s operation went well, allowing her to continue saddling loved ones with $40,000 in hospice bills over each of the next two years,” said Dr. Jordan Burnet, adding that, thanks to the hard work of a dedicated team of physicians, Goldman should have no trouble burdening family members with not only the obligation to visit her on weekends and holidays, but also to deal with and compensate for her steadily declining mental faculties. “The risks associated with such a new surgery were high, but Ms. Goldman pulled through, and can now look forward to spending at least the next 24 months with her increasingly fatigued and exasperated children as they shuttle her around endlessly from one medical checkup to another. This truly has given her a new, and terribly high-maintenance, lease on life.” When reached for comment, family members said they were overjoyed the surgery had slightly delayed the headache of arranging Goldman’s funeral.
Chinese Officials Vow To Fix Nation’s Crumbling Reeducation System #~# BEIJING—Acknowledging that its current programs are insufficient to meet the needs of a fast-paced, 21st-century population, the Chinese Ministry of Justice held a press conference Friday affirming its commitment to fixing the nation’s crumbling reeducation system.
The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette #~# Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out. Here are some rules of etiquette that every gym member should follow:
Cake Shop Accused Of Religious Discrimination For Refusing To Write Anti-Gay Slur On Bible Cake #~# A bakery in Arizona is facing a religious discrimination complaint after refusing to comply with a customer’s order to decorate a cake shaped like a Bible with the words “God hates gays” and an image of two men holding hands with an “X” over it. What do you think?
Diphtheria Excited About Possibility Of New Outbreak #~# LOS ANGELES—Following a flare-up of measles in California and reports of new cases across several western states this week, the disease diphtheria told reporters Thursday that it was excited about the possibility of a new outbreak in America. “I really didn’t think I stood a chance of re-emerging in a developed country again, but this measles thing is giving me some hope—I mean, why not me?” said the deadly contagious infection that has been virtually nonexistent in the United States since a vaccine was introduced in the 1920s. “I don’t want to get ahead of myself, obviously, but these days I just feel like anything’s possible. Man, another epidemic! If I get a second opportunity, I’ll definitely make the most of it.” Diphtheria went on to say that, if everything really fell into place, it’d be able to reunite in the human population with typhus and polio.
The Pros And Cons Of Free Community College #~# As part of an effort to make higher education accessible to all Americans, President Obama has proposed offering two free years of community college to qualified students, a plan critics say is too expensive and misses the mark on education reform. Here are the pros and cons of making the first two years of community college free:
Doctor Just Uses Same Ultrasound Picture For Every Baby #~# MEQUON, WI—Saying that the practice saves her considerable time and effort each day, local ob-gyn doctor Anna Schiesser told reporters Thursday that she typically just shows soon-to-be parents the same ultrasound picture for every baby. “I’ve got about 200 copies of this thing in my desk, so rather than print up a new one, I usually just whip one of these out and then sit back as they ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over a picture of a fetus I took back in 1999,” said Dr. Schiesser, noting how she usually tells parents whether the child is male or female by drawing their attention to the same dark spot on the image each time. “I’ll point out its head or a hand and say something about how it looks like it’s developing nicely or whatever. A lot of times people say they can see a family resemblance. Honestly, everyone seems to leave here feeling pretty excited, and it makes my day way easier, so why not?” Schiesser confirmed that she’s fully prepared in the case of babies in the breech position, saying that she keeps numerous copies of a digitally mirrored version of the same image on hand as well.
New Hampshire Lottery Releases Bacon-Scented Scratch-Off Ticket #~# The New Hampshire state lottery has introduced a new $1 scratch-off lottery ticket labeled “I Heart Bacon” that produces a bacon smell when playing. What do you think?
Nation’s Historians Warn The Past Is Expanding At Alarming Rate #~# WASHINGTON—Painting a stark portrait of a phenomenon that appears to be irreversible, a report published Thursday by the American Historical Association has found that the past is currently expanding at an alarming rate.
NFL Braces For Record-Low Pro Bowl Player Attendance #~# PHOENIX—With league executives preparing themselves for the sight of half-empty sidelines on Saturday, sources confirmed Thursday that the NFL is quietly bracing for a record low in player attendance at this year’s Pro Bowl. “Based on our current data, we expect less than one quarter of players will show up to the University of Phoenix Stadium this weekend,” said NFL spokesman Greg Aiello, noting that the unnecessary risk of injury, lack of intensity, and overall meaninglessness of the game have contributed to the steady decline in the number of players who choose to come to the game each year. “We’ve made an effort to revamp the event in order to generate a higher rate of interest among Pro Bowlers, but it appears the majority will remain at home on Saturday. However, we’re still optimistic that coaching attendance will remain as high as in past years.” Aiello added that the NFL players who do show up will likely head for the exits once the game becomes a blowout in the third quarter.
Excited Nation Already Lining Up Outside IRS Offices In Anticipation Of Tax Day #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that they simply couldn’t contain themselves in advance of the April 15 deadline, excited citizens all across the country were reportedly already lining up outside their regional IRS offices Monday in anticipation of Tax Day, sources confirmed. “Oh, my goodness, I can’t believe it’s time to start itemizing all of my work-related expenses again and calculating my deductions—I can hardly wait!” said visibly giddy Cleveland resident Meredith Kinney, one of millions of Americans standing in miles-long lines winding from the entrances of the nation's IRS facilities as they eagerly awaited filing their 2014 federal taxes. “All year long, I carefully collect every necessary receipt, and then I just count down the hours until I can organize all of my family’s relevant 1099-INT forms, records of charitable contributions, Schedule K-1s, and 1099-MISC forms in order to be ready for the big day. Sometimes I can’t help myself and start filling out my 1040 even before January 1. Oh, how I wish my employer would send out my W-2s so I could file right now!” The men and women lined up throughout the nation added that their enthusiasm for the approaching date was surpassed only by the prospect of a random audit.
Obama Sets Record For Veto Threats In SOTU Address #~# According to an analysis by The Washington Times, President Obama issued a record number of veto threats during last night’s State of the Union address. What do you think?
State Of The Union Guests Sort Of Assumed White House Would Pay For Them To Get Home #~# WASHINGTON—While grateful to have been honored at one of the most important political events of the year, guests of President Obama at the State of the Union address told reporters Wednesday that they had naturally assumed the White House would pay for them to get home. “It was really nice of the president to fly me out here and mention the letter I wrote about how my family struggled during the recession, but I guess I thought our plane tickets would be round-trip,” said Rebekah Erler of Minneapolis, adding that she would never forget appearing next to Michelle Obama on national television but had also taken it as given that her return trip would be purchased in advance by someone in the federal government. “Now, I have to shell out $550 of my own money for a last-minute flight that gets me home at one in the morning, and I have no idea if I’ll ever be reimbursed. Who do I even talk to about that?” Erler went on to say that if she knew this was going to happen, there’s no way she would have written that stupid letter in the first place.
Man With Serious Mental Illness Committed To City Bus #~# ALBANY, NY—Citing a range of severe symptoms including hallucinations, disorientation, and disorganized speech, the Albany County Department of Mental Health said Wednesday that local man Shawn Zellicoff will be involuntarily committed to the 125 Clinton/Sand Creek city bus until further notice. “For his own safety, Mr. Zellicoff will be restricted to the Central Avenue-bound line until such time as he is found competent,” said county health official Tamika Wright, adding that the mentally ill 58-year-old will be allowed to bring up to 18 bags and parcels with him but will not be permitted to leave the commuter vehicle. “Committing someone to a bus is always a last resort—Mr. Zellicoff would not be spending an indefinite period of time confined to side-by-side plastic seats were his psychological disorders not incredibly serious.” Wright went on to say she hoped Zellicoff would eventually be well enough to leave the bus for short periods and occasionally spend some time on the streets.
Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address #~# Addressing issues ranging from income inequality and tax reform to trade agreements and the Cuba embargo, President Obama offered arguments for a wide range of policy proposals in last night’s State of the Union. The Onion takes a deeper look at some of his bolder claims:
Republicans Address Income Inequality By Offering Middle Class Hot Stock Tip #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing their commitment to helping average American families get a leg up, leaders of the Republican party addressed the nation’s growing income inequality Wednesday by offering the middle class a hot stock tip. “Look, you guys didn’t hear it from us, but we have it on good authority that now’s the time to hop on the IPG Photonics train,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, who explained that investing “a few grand” right now would provide the boost that struggling middle-class households need to get ahead, before requesting that everyday Americans not share the inside advice with anyone else. “IPG’s got the fiber-optic laser market cornered, and we’ve got reason to believe that demand is going to shoot through the roof in the next few quarters. Yeah, it’s trading at a pretty steep $74, but this thing’s a sure deal. And you’ll want to grab a few hundred shares in this sucker if you can, because you’re looking at a dividend yield of at least 11 percent. Don’t worry, this tip’s for free.” Boehner then added that the GOP might also have a naked short-sell operation struggling Americans could get in on if they weren’t afraid to “get [their] hands a little dirty.”
Most Used Words In Obama’s State Of The Union Address #~# On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama delivered his 2015 State of the Union address in the chamber of the U.S. House of Representatives. Above are the words and phrases used in Obama’s speech weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.
Nation Can’t Wait To Hear Patriots Fans’ Excuses This Time #~# WASHINGTON—After an NFL investigation revealed that 11 of New England’s 12 game balls were under-inflated during last weekend’s AFC Championship Game, Americans across the nation announced Wednesday that they would love—absolutely love—to hear the excuses from Patriots fans this time. “No, no, by all means, go ahead,” said every single person living outside of Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, Rhode Island, and Connecticut before reportedly smiling and adding, “I’m all ears.” “Wait, let me guess: The deflated footballs were also easier to catch for the Colts defense, so the Patriots didn’t have a real advantage, right? Or is it that the score was so lopsided that it didn’t matter in the end? No, seriously, I’m sure you guys have something really great cooked up for this one.” The American populace went on to say that they also absolutely cannot wait to hear how this new scandal will have no effect on the legacy of Tom Brady.
Man Too Deep Into Sentence To Avoid Saying Word He Can’t Pronounce #~# RALEIGH, NC—Suddenly realizing the direness of his situation halfway through speaking a sentence aloud, local 31-year-old Clint Levy reportedly found himself far too deep into a discussion of menu items during a business lunch Wednesday to avoid saying “charcuterie,” a word he is unable to pronounce, sources confirmed. “Oh, no, it’s coming up. Shit, what do I do?” Levy reportedly thought as he continued talking, admitting to himself that even if he were to add a few extra words as he approached the uncertain pronunciation, he would still have to face the phonetically complicated noun nonetheless. “I can buy myself some time by throwing an ‘um’ in there, but that’ll give me two seconds at the most. God, if I hesitate or try to sound it out, they’ll know I don’t have any idea how to say this thing. Fuck.” At press time, sources reported that Levy had accepted his fate and summoned the courage to just go for it.
Pope Francis: Catholics Don’t Have To ‘Breed Like Rabbits’ #~# Pope Francis stated this week that while he upholds the Vatican’s ban on artificial birth control methods, Catholic families should limit the number of children they have and not “breed like rabbits,” a stance religious experts say shows a more conservative side often overshadowed in the media. What do you think?
Doug Baldwin Sick Of Being Disrespected By Statistics #~# SEATTLE—Following his team’s 28-22 win over the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship Game, Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Doug Baldwin expressed his frustration to reporters Wednesday after feeling constantly disrespected by his statistics this season. “These receiving numbers have been coming out of the woodwork after every game and trying to make me look bad, and I’m sick and tired of it,” said a visibly upset Baldwin, adding that such statistics as his 66 receptions, 12.5 yards per reception, and three touchdowns on the season have worked ruthlessly to deride and undermine him throughout the year. “All I have to do is open up any sports website on Monday morning to see all these stats saying my 825 total receiving yards ranks 42nd among NFL players. It’s hard not to take that stuff personally, and after a while you just have to ignore it.” Baldwin went on to express his gratitude to Seahawks coach Pete Carroll for disregarding all incendiary criticism from the receiver’s numbers and continuing to make him a starter throughout the playoffs.
Postal Service Unveils New Line Of Stamps Honoring Americans Who Still Use Postal Service #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to highlight their longstanding contributions and loyalty to the agency, the U.S. Postal Service unveiled a new line of commemorative stamps Wednesday honoring those Americans who still use the U.S. Postal Service. “Our latest series of Forever stamps recognizes the remaining citizens who continue to support the USPS by physically sending their bills, rent checks, and thank-you cards via traditional mail,” said Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe, noting that the newly issued stamps will depict such longtime supporters as Linda Campbell, an elderly Charleston, SC resident who still writes letters to her loved ones regularly, and 24-year-old Nicole Meier, who sends postcards during various trips around the country using the national mailing system. “The efforts of these individuals—including Salem, OR resident Patricia Hunt, who mails a birthday card to her nephew each year, and the sixth-grade teacher at Nyack, NY’s Humphrey Elementary School, who still has students send letters to their state senators every fall—are worthy of our praise and deserve the highest honor the USPS can bestow.” Donahoe added that the Postal Service would also be releasing a limited edition collector’s stamp honoring those who have purchased a booklet of stamps, later lost it, and then had to buy another one.
‘Well, Here’s What Won’t Pass,’ Obama Says Before Listing 35 Proposals #~# WASHINGTON—Providing Americans with an honest preview of his agenda for 2015, President Obama delivered a brief State of the Union address Tuesday night, which consisted solely of him listing off 35 initiatives that he acknowledged will never be approved by Congress.
Study: Earth 44% Doomed #~# A new study from a team of international researchers has found that human activity has pushed earth across four of nine environmental boundaries needed for humanity to exist in a “safe operating zone,” and that the planet is headed toward a danger zone in which long-term survival is unclear. What do you think?
Biden Arrives Early To Set Up State Of The Union Fog Machine #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking to reporters as he ran a tattered extension cord along the House of Representatives rostrum this afternoon, Vice President Joe Biden confirmed that he had arrived early in order to set up a fog machine for tonight’s State of the Union address. “This baby kicks out the fog like you wouldn’t believe, but you gotta give her plenty of time to warm up if you want the whole room to fill up real thick,” said Biden while carefully mixing water and glycerin according to his own homemade “fog juice” recipe, which he explained he’d been using since his brief stint as a roadie on White Lion’s Pride tour in 1987. “I wanted to do this thing up right with a whole laser rig and shit, but that would’ve set me back mucho dinero. But don’t you worry; Uncle Joe knows a few tricks with strobes that’ll get the crowd going.” At press time, Biden was reportedly double-checking the timers on a set of flash pots in order to avoid another congressional aide losing their fingers in a pyrotechnic mishap.
Burger King Franchise Owner Adds Sad Little Personal Touches To Restaurant #~# TOMAH, WI—Noting that several old black-and-white photographs of the local area were hung on the walls and a Viterbo University “V-Hawks” basketball schedule was posted near the entrance, sources confirmed Tuesday that local Burger King franchise operator Scott Hamlin has added his own depressing little personal touches throughout the restaurant. “I want customers to have a good time here, so I put up a few things here and there to liven it up,” said Hamlin, who is said to have heartbreakingly attempted to distinguish store #2132 from other franchise locations by hanging a Fort McCoy “Go Army” towel behind the register. “We’re a part of this community, and I think the locals who come in deserve something a little more special than a regular fast food place. This isn’t just any old Burger King—it’s their Burger King.” At press time, Hamlin had received instructions from his regional franchise coordinator ordering him to replace the photo of the local Little League team he sponsors with a poster advertising the return of the Yumbo Hot Ham & Cheese Sandwich.
Marriage Is Something You Have To Work At Until Your Children Leave #~# What exactly does it take to build a great marriage? Most of us are taught that one fine day we’ll meet our soulmate, and then all that’s left to do is tie the knot, start a family, and live happily ever after. But nothing could be further from the truth. A marriage is something you have to work at—and keep working at—every day until your children grow up and head out on their own.
Man’s Area Code Provides Exciting Glimpse At Past Life #~# SHULLSBURG, WI—Illuminating a previously unknown chapter of the man’s past, an incoming call with a 617 area code provided an exciting glimpse into the life of 29-year-old Derek Eanesworth, acquaintances reported Tuesday. “Ooh, he must have lived in Boston for a while, but when and where, exactly?” said the call’s recipient, Anne McDermott, her mind reportedly racing with possibilities about Eanesworth’s suddenly revealed connection to eastern Massachusetts. “Did he grow up there? Work there? Go to school there? Now, I’m curious what strange chain of events could have led him all the way here.” When reached for comment, Eanesworth told reporters he had no idea where McDermott’s own 225 area code came from, but figured it must be where she got that weird accent.
Artist Always Carries Around Sketchbook In Case He Feels Like Making Someone Uncomfortable #~# NEW YORK—Saying that he doesn’t want to let the perfect opportunity pass him by, local artist Brian Danforth told reporters Tuesday that he makes a point to always carry a sketchbook around with him in case he feels like making a stranger uncomfortable. “You never know when you’ll catch a glimpse of some random person and feel that sudden urge to sketch them without their permission as they fidget under your gaze,” said Danforth, who noted that there’s nothing worse than coming across an interesting and easily unnerved subject on the subway whom you’d love to stare at intently from three feet away for several stops only to realize you don’t have your sketchbook with you. “A few weeks ago, I was sitting across from this great older gentleman at the coffee shop, but I had forgotten my pad at home and ended up wasting a ton of time trying to find a piece of paper before I finally just grabbed a napkin. But by that time, I barely even had a chance to make the guy feel completely self-conscious by darting my eyes back and forth between him and my pencil drawing before he got up and left. I won’t make that mistake again.” At press time, Danforth was switching seats on the 7 train to get a better angle on a passenger who had unfolded a newspaper in an effort to block his view.
Obama To Propose Tax Hikes On Wealthy To Help Out Middle Class #~# During tonight’s State of the Union address, President Obama will reportedly propose that Congress raise taxes on the wealthiest taxpayers, in part by closing a “trust fund loophole” protecting inherited money from taxes, and use the funds to expand tax credits for the middle class. What do you think?
Area Man Eats Breakfast For Dinner In Desperate Attempt To Reinvent His Life #~# AKRON, OH—After taking stock of his life and coming to the sobering conclusion that he needed to make some serious changes, local man Gerry Harland reportedly opted to eat breakfast for dinner Tuesday in a desperate attempt to reinvent himself. “I figured it was time to stop sitting around waiting for good things to come my way and instead take some action,” said the man who forewent the decision to join a gym, seek a promotion, or enter a long-term relationship in his effort to find some fresh perspective in his life, opting instead to have scrambled eggs, several links of sausage, and two pieces of toast in place of a more conventional dish for his final meal of the day. “I've been putting this off for way too long, really. In a few years I’ll be 40, so the time to make a change is now. Otherwise, there’s no telling what kind of rut I'd dig myself into.” Harland added that in addition to switching up his diet, he also planned to change his TV-viewing habits, swapping primetime dramas for primetime situation comedies.
Lonesome Alito Declares Marriage Only Between A Man And The Sea #~# WASHINGTON—Reaffirming a deeply traditionalist definition of the institution of matrimony, Supreme Court justice Samuel Alito issued a statement Monday declaring that marriage can only strictly exist between a man and the tempestuous sea. “It is my opinion that the only constitutionally sanctionable union is composed of a seafaring man and the solitary life of fickle winds and brine-crested breakers,” said Alito, adding that any current law that fails to narrowly delineate marriage as a compact involving a man, the churning waves, and the sea-song of gulls in the early dawn is invalid according to the highest law of the land. “The principle of equal protection enshrined in the Constitution emphatically does not entitle the federal government or any state body to redefine this sacred maritime institution. The Founding Fathers recognized that the heart belongs to the tides and the deep alone—in both stormful days and calm waters.” Alito went on to say that marriage between a man and the sea must be preserved as such despite the fact that she can be a cruel mistress with little heed for what a forsaken old sailor wills.
MTV Airing In Black And White On MLK Jr. Day To Spark Conversations On Race #~# In honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, MTV is airing programming in black and white for 12 hours to encourage Americans to start conversations about racial bias in the United States. What do you think?
Unsold Google Glass Units To Be Donated To Assholes In Africa #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Following the company’s announcement that it would discontinue public sales of the wearable technology, Google officials confirmed Monday that all unsold units of Google Glass would be donated to underprivileged assholes in Africa. “We are committed to positively impacting the lives of poverty-stricken smug pricks by distributing the surplus inventory of Google Glass to self-important fucks throughout sub-Saharan Africa,” a statement released by the company read in part, adding that the program will provide the optical head-mounted technology, as well as professional training sessions, to destitute communities of conceited dicks from Sierra Leone, to Somalia, to Botswana. “This gesture will help tens of thousands of poor and needy men, women, and children across the continent who have never had the opportunity to walk around looking like a pompous jackass all day long. From the moment they turn on their new Google Glass in clear view of others, they’ll immediately start experiencing the undeserved sense of superiority currently lacking in their lives.” At press time, Google confirmed that the first devices had been presented to an indigent family of complete fucking jerkoffs from the Republic of Guinea.
Chicago Introduces New Citywide Gun-Sharing Stations #~# CHICAGO—Touting the program’s convenience and affordability, Chicago officials unveiled Monday the city’s new gun-sharing service, “QuikShot,” which allows individuals to check out a loaded firearm for short periods of time.
New Facebook Notifications Alert Users When They Not Currently Looking At Facebook #~# MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to ensure constant engagement with the social media site, Facebook announced Monday that users would now receive notifications anytime they are not currently looking at Facebook. “We hope these helpful new alerts will improve our users’ experience by prompting them to revisit the site in the event they momentarily turn their focus elsewhere,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, adding that the site’s new technology is able to track where users’ attention is directed and remind them with steady beeping sounds that they are not currently interacting with Facebook. “The notifications will be integrated into both web and mobile browsing, and all users not currently on Facebook—or logged in but looking at a different tab—will immediately begin receiving push notifications, pop-ups, and emails warning them that they’re not on Facebook right now and should resume interfacing with it.” Zuckerberg went on to say that notifications informing users when they are currently looking at Facebook will be introduced by the end of the year.
Study: Sitting Too Much May Be Deadlier Than Obesity #~# A new study has found that remaining sedentary throughout the day may be more deadly than being obese, and that switching from an “inactive” to “moderately active” lifestyle can reduce the risk of early mortality by as much as 30 percent. What do you think?
Keys To The Matchup: Colts vs. Patriots #~# The Colts face the Patriots with an all-expenses-paid trip to Glendale, AZ on the line. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win.
Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Seahawks #~# The Packers face the Seahawks for the NFC Championship in a game that will ultimately come down to which ref wants it more. Onion Sports looks at what each team must do to win.
Publisher Pulls Book After Boy Admits He Didn’t Go To Heaven #~# The publisher of the bestselling Christian book The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven, marketed as the true story of a young boy who goes to heaven and visits angels while in a coma, has decided to pull the book after its now-teenage subject admitted that he made up the story. What do you think?
Tom Brady: ‘Joe Montana Sucks And I Am Better Than Him’ #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—After surpassing Joe Montana last weekend to claim the all-time NFL record for most postseason touchdown passes, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady told reporters Friday that Montana “sucks total shit” and that he himself is “way, way better” than the retired San Francisco 49ers legend. “Joe Montana is terrible, and I’m a much better quarterback than he ever was,” said Brady, noting that it felt particularly good to break Montana’s record and prove that he is far superior to “that talentless bum.” “And while we’re on the subject: John Elway sucks; Roger Staubach sucks; Terry Bradshaw sucks; Troy Aikman sucks; Dan Marino sucks; Steve Young sucks; Bart Starr sucks; and Johnny Unitas sucks. They all suck compared to me. They’re terrible quarterbacks, and I’m a great quarterback—the greatest quarterback who ever lived. Me. I’m the best.” Brady went on to say that although the Patriots are unquestionably the best football team of all time, it is only because of his own contributions, and that he would have been able to achieve just as much without any of his teammates or coaches.
John Elway Casually Mentions To Peyton Manning How Great It Was Going Out On Top In ’98 #~# DENVER—Saying that it was the absolute perfect way to end his Hall of Fame career, Denver Broncos general manager John Elway casually mentioned to Peyton Manning just how great it was to go out on top as a Super Bowl champion in 1998, sources confirmed Friday. “You know, walking off the field for the last time as a world champion was really something else,” said Elway, adding that not much could ever top being hoisted onto his teammates’ shoulders as the last seconds of his career ticked away, not to mention the fact that it is the image most NFL fans will forever associate with him and his legacy. “Obviously, winning one Super Bowl was great, but getting two back-to-back was just incredible. And it felt especially amazing after always coming so close and hearing people say for years that I choked when it really mattered. Oh, and riding off into the sunset as a member of the same team that I played my whole career with? Yeah, I’d definitely say that was pretty special.” Elway reportedly added to Manning that walking away from the game on his own terms with perfect health was equally, if not more satisfying.
Preschooler Asks To Borrow Classmate’s Notes On Shapes #~# ST. JOSEPH, MI—After he became confused during their most recent morning lesson, sources confirmed Friday that local preschooler Alex Hamlin asked to borrow the notes that classmate Liam Benson had taken on shapes. “Hey, Liam, can I see your notes from today, ’cause I’ve really got nothing written down after the stuff Mrs. Leclair said about circles,” said Hamlin, who figured that Benson—a student who’s widely recognized for knowing all the colors—had paid close attention to the lecture, which covered material that would almost certainly appear on an upcoming test. “I was with her on triangle—I’m solid on that—but then she started talking about things with four sides and I just kept spacing out. I looked at what I managed to write down about ovals and it doesn’t even make sense. She was going way too fast. I’ll have them back to you by tomorrow, I promise.” At press time, a frustrated Hamlin was intently looking over Benson’s notes and reminding himself that he didn’t want a repeat of last year’s fiasco when he misidentified several sounds barnyard animals make.
Enchanted Necromancer Brings Life Back To Once-Dead Argument #~# FORT COLLINS, CO—Summoning a maelstrom of black energy from the depths of the netherworld, enchanted necromancer Keith Pfluger was reportedly able to revive an argument that had perished many years earlier and which was previously believed to have departed from this realm for all eternity, sources confirmed Friday. “You know, this is exactly like the time you told me it was fine if I wanted to skip your office holiday party, but then got mad when I decided not to go,” intoned the unholy sorcerer, breathing a torrent of stygian magic into the lifeless verbal conflict and causing it to stir for the first time in ages. “You can’t do that—that’s bullshit. You can’t say, ‘Oh, I’m going to my niece’s birthday party, but don’t feel like you need to come unless you really want to,’ and then get pissed off when I make plans to do something else. It’s the same exact thing and you know it is.” At press time, the wicked practitioner of dark arts had reportedly opened a portal even he was powerless to close, unleashing an army of undead points of contention into the world of the living.
FDA Approves New Drug For Treating Pill Deficiencies #~# WASHINGTON—In what is being considered a major breakthrough for the millions of Americans suffering from a severe lack of capsules and tablets, the FDA announced Friday that it had approved a new drug for treating pill deficiencies. “After months of clinical testing, our studies show that regular usage of this drug provides an immediate boost to the number of caplets in the patient’s body,” said FDA spokesperson Anita Brown-Reed, noting that the fast-acting medication is safe for people of all ages who currently experience symptoms of pill shortage, such as seeing just one or two bottles of medicine in their bathroom cabinet or swallowing capsules twice a week or less. “Certainly those with dangerously low levels of pills may need to take a stronger dosage, possibly three or even four of these 500 mg tablets per day, based on their physician’s recommendation. Overall, however, this treatment appears to provide hope for the countless Americans who are currently living with an entire empty row in their pillbox.” Brown-Reed noted, however, that the new pill may leave patients with an increased risk of co-pays.
Area Man Clearly Came To Redbox Machine Without Any Game Plan #~# YANCEYVILLE, NC—Looking on helplessly as the man noncommittally scrolled through his available entertainment options, sources said Friday that local 30-year-old Gary Harper had obviously approached the Redbox machine at his local Walmart Express without any game plan whatsoever. “I figured he’d quickly select the movie he had decided on during the drive over and be on his way, or maybe take an extra few seconds to pick out his second choice,” said Ethan Schmidt, adding that he was waiting to return a DVD and had been watching Harper flip back and forth between comedy and action-adventure for at least five minutes. “But it’s pretty clear this guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what he wants to watch tonight—oh, great, now he’s started reading the descriptions.” At press time, after briefly lingering on A Walk Among The Tombstones, Harper had backtracked all the way to the main menu to explore video games.
Jewish Orthodox Newspaper Edits Women Out Of Unity March #~# The ultra-Orthodox Jewish newspaper HaMevaser has sparked backlash for running a photo of Sunday’s anti-terrorism march in Paris that Photoshopped out all women, including German chancellor Angela Merkel, to follow an extreme interpretation of Jewish laws regarding female modesty. What do you think?
Dick LeBeau Confident He Still Has 30 Or 40 Years Of Coaching Left In Him #~# PITTSBURGH—Following his unexpected resignation from the Pittsburgh Steelers last week, veteran defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau told reporters Thursday that he still feels he can coach in the NFL for at least another 30 or 40 years. “I feel good, I’m healthy, and I’m still as motivated as ever, so I think I still have another three or four decades of coaching at the highest level in the tank,” said the 77-year-old LeBeau, adding that while retirement has occasionally crossed his mind, he is determined to continue working on the sidelines for several dozen more years. “I could easily see myself going through the 2045 season, and then I’ll probably reevaluate things after that. I won’t go on forever, obviously, but as long as I find the right team and organization, I’d be happy to keep coaching for the next half century or so.” LeBeau went on to say that regardless of which team he joins next, he is still setting his sights on winning at least 25 more Super Bowl rings before ending his coaching career.
Area Man Willing To Give Up Any Of Muslims’ Rights Necessary To Feel Safe #~# PITTSBURGH—Explaining how defending the population is the government’s ultimate responsibility, area man Greg Farnsworth told reporters Thursday he is willing to give up any of Muslims’ rights necessary to feel safe. “The bottom line is that we are putting innocent lives at risk if we don’t give the government more power to protect us, and if that means giving up a few constitutionally protected freedoms of Muslims in the process, so be it,” said Farnsworth, who added that, while he didn’t necessarily like the idea of the NSA monitoring phone calls or emails, he believed it was vital to accept a few violations of privacy rights among those of the Islamic faith to ensure the nation remained secure. “If last week’s attacks taught us anything, it’s that al-Qaeda is still determined to kill as many people as they can. So if we have to add more security measures at airports for Muslims or track people online who are critical of the U.S. government, provided they are Muslim, in order to keep us safe, I’m willing to make that sacrifice.” Farnsworth added that, if you really considered the lives and well-being of your family, limiting a few rights for Muslims here and there isn’t a bad trade-off at all.
Why Are Gas Prices So Low? #~# The average price of a gallon of gas is at its lowest level since April 2009, giving rise to speculation about why the cost of oil continues to drop and how long consumers can expect the trend to last. Here are answers to common questions about the low price of gas:
Man Reserving Judgment On Best Actress Nominees Until Looking At All 5 Pictures #~# AKRON, OH—In an effort to arrive at an impartial assessment of this year’s field, area man Kurt Holden told reporters Thursday that he would postpone any judgments on the best actress Oscar nominees until he looked at all five pictures. “I’ve always liked Julianne Moore, and I think she’s fantastic in this particular picture, but to be fair I need to take the time for an in-depth viewing of each of these actresses’ pictures,” said Holden, who confirmed that he has only seen pictures of two of this year’s nominated actresses, but planned to explore the nuances and subtleties of the entire field before reaching a verdict. “I held off until the Academy revealed its choices, but now I’m actually kind of interested in checking out the Marion Cotillard picture. Who knows? I might even look at Felicity Jones’ picture two or three times.” At press time, Holden had rejected Reese Witherspoon as his selection for best actress, noting that he was bored of her picture after the first few minutes.
Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment #~# BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday.
Report: Reuben Rated Top Midsize Sandwich In Its Class #~# WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Praising its standard features and overall dependability, J.D. Power and Associates released a new set of rankings Thursday, naming the Reuben the number-one midsize sandwich in its class. “With an eye-catching, compact design that lends itself to easy handling, the Reuben remains one of the most reliable midsize sandwich options on the market,” said reviewer Leonard Winston, adding that, despite the high-quality materials used in its well-crafted interior, the sandwich still maintains its status as a practical and affordable choice for the average consumer. “In addition to its visual appeal, repeated testing shows that the sandwich’s sturdy corned beef, sauerkraut, and rye-based construction holds up extremely well against both front and side impact. Frankly, the Reuben is unmatched in value even when compared alongside popular European imports such as the caprese and Monte Cristo.” Winston added that, for those who like the sleeker look that comes with taking the top off, the Reuben can easily be converted to open-faced.
New Archaeological Find Suggests Mary Magdalene Was Actually A Size 12 #~# NAZARETH, ISRAEL—Archaeologists excavating the ruins of an early-first-century dwelling this week announced the discovery of the remnants of a tunic thought to have belonged to Mary Magdalene, a garment that suggests the biblical figure was a larger-than-expected size 12. “While scholarly interpretations of the Apocrypha have long held that Mary Magdalene was a size six or size eight, this new evidence indicates that the most celebrated female follower of Jesus was, in fact, a bit curvier,” said Amos Rafaelli, an archaeologist at Haifa University, who added that a worldwide meeting of biblical scholars would convene in Rome next month to discuss Mary Magdalene’s figure, her sense of style, and how she may have worn her hair. “Additionally, further analysis of the garment suggests that she wore unflattering cuts that didn’t work for her at all, and bland, neutral colors that definitely didn’t pop. This truly changes our entire perspective on Mary Magdalene.” Rafaelli added that more research would be needed to determine if the braided rope belt and sandals found within proximity of the garment would have pulled her outfit together or made her look super trashy.
Area Man Could Have Made Same Meal At Home But Worse #~# SMYRNA, GA—Disappointed after spending $25 on dinner at his local Chinese restaurant Wednesday night, local man Keith Bradelson told reporters he could have easily prepared the same meal at home but much worse. “I don’t even know why I go out to eat—I could make the same stuff in my own kitchen and it’d be far, far shittier,” said Bradelson, who explained how he could prepare an identical entree except with dry, overcooked meat, a single stuck-together mass of gummy rice, and the bland, flavorless substitution of key Szechuan spices with whatever he had lying around. “It wouldn’t even be that hard. I have a wok and some soy sauce and almost no culinary skills whatsoever. You just have to throw it all together and that’s it—you’ve got borderline inedible sesame chicken.” At press time, Bradelson vowed that the next time he was in the mood for Chinese, he’d whip himself up something so bad that he’d end up throwing it away before ordering in the real thing.
Facebook To Post Amber Alerts In Users’ News Feeds #~# Facebook has announced that it will begin posting Amber Alerts in news feeds with a photo of the missing child and details about the case to encourage users to be on the lookout. What do you think?
Man On Weird Fad Diet Where He Eats Flavorful Meals That Make Him Feel Good #~# MARIN, CA—Admitting that the odd lifestyle change was not something they’d ever choose for themselves, sources close to local man Andrew Gosselin confirmed Wednesday that the 35-year-old is currently trying out some sort of fad diet where he eats flavorful meals that make him feel good. “Andrew’s on this weird thing where he can only eat food that’s made with fresh ingredients and that leaves him feeling healthy and energetic,” said friend Luke Abramson, describing the “ridiculous, totally high-maintenance” regimen that requires Gosselin to consume balanced dishes that are wholesome and satisfying but don’t result in the software programmer becoming bloated, uncomfortable, or fatigued. “He must see the strange, skeptical looks everyone gives him whenever he's eating nutritious and full-flavored foods, but he actually seems to be into it. It's really bizarre to have lunch with someone who eats like that.” Abramson added that Gosselin's trendy diet couldn't last much longer, as it required the man to perform such exhausting and onerous tasks as going to the store, picking out fresh produce, and bringing it home roughly once a week.
Police: John Boehner's Country Club Bartender Planned To Poison Him #~# A former bartender at John Boehner's country club was arrested after reporting to police that he planned to poison the House Speaker by putting something in his drink, saying he believed the top Republican was responsible for Ebola. What do you think?
Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East #~# SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Lane two’s open,” said the intrepid voyager, informing his party of fairer conditions past the self-checkout stations that would allow them to circumvent a phalanx of loaded carts and proceed with great haste to the parking lot. “There’s only one guy in line, and he doesn’t have much.” At press time, the grocery expedition was forced to turn back after coming upon a dark, foreboding proclamation that granted passage only to those carrying 10 items or fewer.
Area Dad Didn’t Shell Out $100 At Aquarium For Lecture About Ecosystem #~# MYSTIC, CT—Expressing frustration while viewing the Mystic Aquarium’s stingray exhibit with his family, local dad Jeff Palmer told reporters Wednesday that he didn’t shell out $100 of his hard-earned cash just to listen to a lecture about the ecosystem. “I paid good money to see some fish and big sharks with my kids, not hear a guy spout off about this coral species that’s going extinct,” said Palmer, adding that he had expected the marine expert talking about rising ocean temperatures to instead hold up a stingray that visitors could touch or, at the very least, feed it some type of fish that they could all watch it eat. “Come on, I didn’t drive all the way out here just to have some boring scientist list off a whole bunch of endangered species. Can’t I just watch the seals swimming around in the tank without another stupid speech about shrinking habitats?” At press time, Palmer was growing “pretty goddamn sick” of getting raked over the coals every time he tapped on the aquarium’s glass to get the attention of the sharks.
Report: Only 2% Of Internet Worth Sitting Through 15-Second Ad #~# IRVINE, CA—Suggesting that only a minuscule fraction of the internet warranted even a slight delay before viewing, a report released Wednesday by the University of California, Irvine, indicated that just 2 percent of all online content was worth sitting through a 15-second ad. “Our research found that putting up with an obtrusive 15-second video promoting Bud Light, Esurance, or any number of other brands was very rarely justified by the material that followed it,” said the report’s lead author, professor Colleen Noren, adding that the acceptable 2 percent included content such as a handful of substantive Twitter feeds, a negligible portion of Spotify’s music library, the top story on The New York Times’ website, and 15 to 20 YouTube videos at most. “But we also determined that when users were given the option to skip the remainder of an ad after just five seconds, the amount of the internet that wasn’t a complete waste of time jumped to 15 percent. An even larger amount, 20 percent, was worthy of muting the ad immediately, clicking over to a second tab, and then returning to the original page when the ad was estimated to be over.” Noren went on to say that not a single piece of internet content was worth sitting through a 30-second ad and speculated there almost certainly never would be.
McDonald’s Announces Brand Transformation #~# After months of declining sales amidst competition from rivals Chipotle and Panera Bread, which are increasingly attracting millennials with healthier and more customizable food options, McDonald’s has announced a massive “brand transformation” to win back young consumers. Here are some of the changes underway:
Woman’s Parents Accepting Of Mixed-Attractiveness Relationship #~# CHICAGO—Admitting it took them some time to come around to the idea, the parents of local woman Laura Stevens said Wednesday that they had finally accepted their daughter’s mixed-attractiveness relationship with Kyle Baker, a man who is considerably worse-looking than she is. “To be honest, we were quite surprised when Laura brought Kyle to the house for the first time, but eventually we came around to it,” said Stevens’ mother, Janet, who noted that the pair were still met with uncomfortable stares and disapproval from other family members—especially Laura’s grandmother—at last year’s Thanksgiving dinner. “Her father was particularly upset at first, but now I think he’s learned to accept it, and he’s even grown to like Kyle. Besides, Kyle seems to make Laura happy, and that’s all that really matters.” Janet Stevens went on to say that, if the two ever got married, she would love their children no matter how average-looking they are.
Report: Peyton Manning Played Entire Season With 38-Year-Old Body #~# DENVER—After a lackluster performance in his team’s playoff loss to the Indianapolis Colts, reports emerged Wednesday that Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning played the entire 2014 season with a 38-year-old body. “Many had suspected something was wrong as Manning’s numbers dipped during the second half of the season, but he was able to hide the precise nature of his 38-year-old body from coaches, teammates, and the media,” said ESPN’s Adam Schefter, adding that the team’s midseason shift to a more run-heavy offense was made in an effort to keep the 14-time Pro Bowler from further aggravating his nearly-four-decades-old bones, tendons, and musculature. “Manning was often seen grimacing on the sidelines and was visibly frustrated at being hampered by a 38-year-old body during games. But the situation unfortunately only worsened as he tried to play through it.” Reached for comment, sources from the Broncos medical staff expressed pessimism over Manning’s future, warning that he will put himself at significant risk if he opts to play next season with a 39-year-old body.
U.S. Government Offers 100 Million Americans Generous Severance Deal To Leave Country #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the nation a leaner, more dynamic international force, the United States government is reportedly offering 100 million American citizens generous severance deals to leave the country, sources confirmed Wednesday.
New Climate Change Study Just 400 Pages Of Scientists Telling Americans To Read Previous Climate Change Studies #~# WASHINGTON—Co-authored by several dozen of the nation’s top climatologists, a new climate change study released Wednesday by the U.S. Global Change Research Program reportedly consists of 400 pages in which scientists just tell Americans to read previous climate change studies. “Not sure if you saw this one from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change from 2012 about how rising sea levels are putting billions of people in coastal cities at risk, or L.G. Thompson’s 2009 paper on the loss of Kilimanjaro’s glaciers, but really, you should check them out,” read the study in part, which is titled “The Global Climate At Risk: A Broad Survey Of Climate Change Reports That We’ve Been Publishing For Decades And That You Should Actually, Seriously Read.” “Look, there are hundreds of studies on Greenland’s rapidly melting ice sheet alone. If you could just skim the abstract of one of those—just one, that’s it—that would be great. They’re all online, and our JSTOR password is USGCRP90, so you can go and check one out right now.” The report is said to conclude with a single exasperated 28-page run-on sentence urging people to “just come on and look at these damn things, for the love of God—what more do you want from us—Jesus, this is ridiculous.”
Majority Of Time At Party Spent Trying To Figure Out Ride Home #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Beginning his inquiries within an hour of arriving, sources confirmed that local man Luke Anderson spent the majority of his time at a friend’s party Friday trying to figure out a ride home. “Hey, you live north of here, right? Any idea how you might be getting home later?” Anderson was overheard asking a fellow guest, one of half a dozen people the 29-year-old approached with such queries in addition to several friends he texted to see if they might happen to be nearby in a few hours. “Or if you’re headed to the bars uptown after this, maybe I could hitch a ride as far as the bus stop? Just let me know when you’re leaving. I think the bus runs till 11:30.” At press time, Anderson had reportedly lost hope of an exit strategy when the host announced to all his potential drivers that a pizza was just coming out of the oven.
Study: Men Who Post Selfies More Likely To Be Narcissists, Psychopaths #~# According to a new study, men who post self-portraits, or “selfies,” on the internet are more likely to be narcissists and show signs of the antisocial trait psychopathy. What do you think?
Chocolate Lovers Upset As Cadbury Changes Creme Egg Recipe #~# Fans of Cadbury’s popular Creme Eggs were angered this week after parent company Kraft changed the recipe to substitute its signature Dairy Milk Chocolate with a standard cocoa mix chocolate it deemed was “the best one for the Creme Egg.” What do you think?
Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch #~# WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.
Graduating Seniors Somber After Being Financially Exploited On Field For Last Time #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Following Ohio State’s 42-20 victory over Oregon in Monday’s inaugural College Football Playoff National Championship, graduating seniors from both teams were admittedly somber after being financially exploited on the field for the last time in their collegiate careers. “I don’t think it really sunk in until after the game ended, but it’s hard knowing this was the last time I’ll ever go out there and be completely taken advantage of by an incredibly wealthy institution earning millions upon millions of dollars whenever I play,” said senior Oregon center Hroniss Grasu, who was visibly saddened when describing his final appearance as a pawn used to make enormous profits for his coaches, school officials, and the NCAA without earning a single cent in return. “You never think the day will come when you won’t be able to sacrifice your body on Saturdays for no pay whatsoever while your school generates incredible amounts of money off your back. I’m just glad I really cherished it while it lasted.” Grasu added, however, that he is excited to play in the NFL next season, where his contract can be immediately voided as soon as he suffers a career-threatening injury.
What If We Could Live In A World Without War But Way More Famine? #~# You see it on the news every day: missile strikes, bombings, death everywhere you turn. But what if it didn’t have to be that way? What if mankind could end the carnage once and for all, and live in a peaceful global community? A world without bloodshed. A world with no war, but a lot more famine to compensate.
Disneyland Measles Outbreak Linked To Anti-Vaccine Movement #~# The California Department of Public Health has linked more than two dozen measles cases to visits to Disneyland in December, with most affecting young people who were not vaccinated, leading experts to believe the outbreak is linked to the growing anti-vaccination movement among parents. What do you think?
Inspired Film Executive Has Great Idea For Budget Of Film #~# CULVER CITY, CA—Explaining that it just came to him in a moment of inspiration, Columbia Pictures executive Andrew Killian told reporters this week that he has an incredible idea for a new film budget. “I’d been bouncing around some different numbers all day, but then, out of nowhere, it just hit me: $56 million,” said Killian, describing how he immediately reached for his leather-bound notebook to write down the budget so that he wouldn’t forget. “Anyone can come up with an idea for another $110 million blockbuster budget, or just remake a tired old $19 million budget from the 1980s, but this idea’s fresh and different. Nobody’s doing this figure.” After speaking with the press, Killian reportedly got up in the middle of the night to write down an idea for a $33 million budget, only to look at it Tuesday morning and realize it was ridiculous.
HR Director Reminds Employees That Any Crying Done At Office Must Be Work-Related #~# DECKERVILLE, MI—In an effort to ensure employees stay focused during business hours, Paragon Media human resources director Patty Clemence sent a company-wide email Tuesday reiterating that any crying done at the office must be work-related, sources confirmed. “All personal crying, such as that stemming from household finances or fights with your spouse, should either be taken care of before you arrive at work in the morning or be put off until after 5 p.m.,” said Clemence, asking that workers limit openly weeping at their desk or in a bathroom stall to job-oriented topics such as benefits, their workload, or a lack of appreciation among colleagues. “Of course, there are some exceptions to these guidelines. For example, if you happen to be crying because work has prevented you from seeing your family this week, that’s a gray area, and you might want to clear it with a supervisor before breaking down completely.” Clemence added that anyone with additional concerns about this rule should feel free to come to her and quietly bawl in her office.
Personal Trainer Impressed By Man’s Improved Excuses #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Acknowledging that the progress made in such a short amount of time was remarkable, Club One Fitness personal trainer Logan Kaiser told reporters Tuesday he is very impressed by the improvement in both the strength and consistency of his client’s excuses. “He’s starting to come along; a few months ago he had really weak pretenses for not sticking to a workout plan, but he’s put in a lot of effort and now he’s sporting much more robust and powerful justifications,” said Kaiser of 36-year-old software engineer Jeffrey McGann, noting that the gym member’s exculpatory anecdotes had already tripled in size and were becoming far more difficult to verify. “After seeing how he struggled early on with a simple excuse about traffic, it’s gratifying to see him push himself and dig deep for rationalizations that more believably exonerate him. And you can tell it’s gotten a lot easier. His total commitment to tackling a long, grueling story about how construction in his neighborhood aggravated his dust mite allergies was outstanding.” At press time, Kaiser expressed concern after learning that McGann would be unable to make it to the gym due to an unspecified workplace emergency.
Party Not Big Enough To Move Out Of Kitchen Yet #~# TAMPA, FL—Determining that there needed to be at least three or four other guests before they could consider relocating, early arrivals at a party Thursday told reporters that the event was not nearly big enough to move out of the kitchen just yet. “Only three of us are here so far, and if we went into the living room, we'd be this tiny cluster in a big, empty space," said guest Mariah Collins, adding that the small area between the refrigerator and counter was, for the moment, exactly the right fit. “And even if I wanted to venture out into the living room, there's no guarantee either one of these other people would follow me, and then I'd be kind of awkwardly sitting there myself.” At press time, Collins was reportedly relieved by the sight of a pizza exiting the oven, as it gave her the perfect excuse to remain bound to the kitchen for the time being.
Man Pours All His Culinary Talents Into Inserting, Removing Pizza From Oven #~# OLYMPIA, WA—In a masterful demonstration of his renowned cooking technique, local man Clint Robins poured all his culinary talents into inserting and removing a pizza from his oven Tuesday, sources confirmed. “It’s nice to give any meal a personal touch,” the gourmand told reporters, applying the entirety of his food preparation expertise to preheating his oven to precisely 400 degrees and then gingerly placing a four-cheese pizza directly on the center rack. “When the crust is kind of golden brown and the cheese is melted in the middle, it's pretty much done. Sometimes I even like to keep it in there for a few extra minutes, though, so it’s crispier.” At press time, the veritable four-star chef was reportedly carving the entrée into picturesque triangles, wowing all of his guests with a garnish of grated parmesan.
A Look At The 2016 Republican Presidential Frontrunners #~# With Republicans formally taking over the House and Senate for the remainder of Obama’s term and looking forward to the future, leading candidates for the party’s 2016 presidential nomination are starting to emerge. Here’s a look at potential GOP frontrunners:
Obama Absent At Paris Anti-Terrorism Rally #~# President Obama was criticized by numerous media outlets after skipping an anti-terrorism unity rally in Paris on Sunday that was attended by 40 other world leaders. What do you think?
First-Term Congressman Brings Fresh Roadblocks To Table #~# WASHINGTON—Praising the bold new perspective he has introduced to Congress since being sworn in last week, sources said Monday that first-term representative Barry Loudermilk (R-GA) has already brought a host of fresh roadblocks to the table. “He’s coming in here with an outsider point of view and original obstacles that can help us really bring things to a standstill this session,” said seven-term representative Mike Rogers (R-AL), adding that he was excited to work with someone who had not yet been worn down by years of the same tired obstructive tactics. “It’s so energizing to see a fresh face in this chamber with unexpected ideas for stalling a bill in its tracks and totally out-of-the-box approaches to making the legislative branch totally ineffectual.” Rogers went on to say, however, that he had seen this kind of thing before and that it was only a matter of time before his new colleague was attaching the same burdensome riders as everyone else.
Woman Celebrates 4th Year Of Weaning Self Off Facebook #~# PITTSBURGH—Renewing her intention to cut back a little and only log onto the social network a few times a week at most, area woman Kathy Ward reportedly celebrated her fourth anniversary Tuesday of weaning herself off Facebook. “I realized that I just waste so much time on Facebook every single day, so from now on I’m going to really start limiting myself,” the 31-year-old told reporters, restating a declaration she first made in early 2011 and has reiterated roughly every two weeks since. “If I can hold myself to only checking it on the weekends for a while, then eventually I can get down to one session a week, and at that point it’ll be easy to just quit altogether. I don’t even know who half my friends are anyway.” At press time, Ward was on Facebook.
Increasingly Desperate Advertisers Settle For More Attainable 35-To-44-Year-Old Demographic #~# NEW YORK—Admitting they were unable to attract 18-to-34-year-old consumers’ attention no matter how hard they tried, the nation’s desperate advertisers confided Friday that they are settling for the considerably more attainable 35-to-44-year-old demographic. “We’ve tried everything we can think of to appeal to people under the age of 35, but it seems like they don’t even notice us,” said Saskia Pfeiffer, a New York–based brand manager working on behalf of GM and Colgate-Palmolive, conceding that after dozens of attempts to interest young adults, she and her colleagues have finally opted to settle down with a slightly older demographic that they know they can reliably market to. “And you know, 35-to-44-year-olds aren’t so bad. Some people may say they’re not as desirable, but their higher disposable income and education are actually really nice. Yeah, I can definitely see our brands with people in their late 30s.” Pfeiffer then reassured herself that she and her clients could do a lot worse, pointing to Tommy Bahama’s “sad” long-term relationship with 45-to-60-year-old single males with annual incomes of less than $50,000.
Study Finds Employees Most Productive When They Can Set Their Own Salaries #~# PHILADELPHIA—Describing it as an effective strategy for boosting office morale and worker output, a study released this week by researchers at the Wharton School of Business has found that employees are most productive when they are free to set their own salaries. “Giving workers the opportunity to adjust their pay as needed incentivizes them to perform to the best of their ability,” said the study’s co-author, Aaron Schumaker, who noted that measures of workplace satisfaction were markedly higher at companies that put workers, and not management, in control of their own base income, bonuses, and benefits. “As long as employees clear it with a supervisor, they can even vary their salaries week to week, for example, in cases when they have an unexpected personal issue come up that requires a change in earnings.” Schumaker added that the policy has proved to be a consistent success provided employees do not abuse it.
Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven #~# THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven.
Les Miles Assures Recruits’ Parents His Players Are Like Sons He Can Cut At Any Time #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—While speaking to several potential Louisiana State University football recruits Monday, head coach Les Miles reportedly reassured the high schoolers’ parents that he considers the players on his team like his own sons whom he can cut from the team anytime he wants. “These boys aren’t just pieces on my roster—I treat them like my very own flesh and blood and won’t hesitate to cut them at the drop of a hat if they start underperforming,” Miles said to the mother of LSU Tigers quarterback prospect Jerome Fielding, emphasizing that he cares for his student-athletes much in the same way a father would care for his children whom he would immediately dismiss in the event one of them was injured or hit his athletic ceiling earlier than expected. “Rest assured, Mrs. Fielding, if Jerome chooses LSU, he won’t just be getting a great education and the opportunity to play for a top football program; he’ll become part of a new family. A family who, if he has a bad week, or if another family member comes along with better field vision and quicker feet in the pocket, won’t hesitate in the slightest to throw him on the bench for the rest of the season, after which he’ll be kicked out of the family and lose his scholarship.” Reached for comment, several current LSU players told reporters that they themselves consider Miles a father figure whose contract will likely be bought out if the Tigers don’t go at least 10-2 this season.
Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep #~# STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomically powered cryosleep. “As long as you properly organize your schedule to ensure you have enough time for eight full centuries of suspended animation, you’ll be able to get up in the early 29th century completely refreshed and ready to go,” said Dr. Ram Krishnan, lead researcher at the university’s cryosleep lab, adding that to assure quality metarest, the ideal cryonic hibernation environment should be quiet, dark, and capable of maintaining a constant temperature of -320 degrees Fahrenheit. “It’s also important to avoid distractions when preparing for 800 years of hypersuspension, as they could affect the restfulness of your cryosleep. So make sure to forgo caffeine and silence your phone before replacing your blood with medical-grade antifreeze and climbing into your cryopreservation capsule.” For those whose schedules limit them to only four or five centuries of uninterrupted biostasis, Dr. Krishnan recommended making up the time by taking several 100-year-long, cryonically assisted naps throughout the millennium.
FCC Sniper Takes Out Matthew McConaughey To Prevent Live Broadcast Of Profanity #~# BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Having vowed an oath to enforce the government agency’s strict decency standards, a Federal Communications Commission sniper positioned inside the Beverly Hilton Hotel successfully prevented the live broadcast of profanity Sunday night by firing a single fatal shot into Matthew McConaughey’s left temple during the 72nd Golden Globe Awards. “All of our FCC marksmen are highly trained and authorized to neutralize any threat to public propriety, and in this instance, the real and imminent risk that an offensive word might be uttered on live airwaves necessitated the use of deadly force against film actor Matthew McConaughey,” said FCC chairman Tom Wheeler, praising the camouflaged sharpshooter who took up a position among the A-list crowd and kept his rifle’s laser sight trained on the foreheads of whichever presenters and honorees were speaking onstage, as is customary at all live awards galas. “It is unfortunate whenever the FCC must fire a lethal head shot to ensure a broadcast remains family-friendly, but we are tasked with a grave responsibility to protect the vulnerable viewing audience. Such executions are a small price to pay to ensure that millions of Americans are safe from language of a vulgar or sexually provocative nature.” Wheeler added that the FCC was “100 percent fine” with the airing of the graphic violence and bloodshed that resulted from its sniper’s actions.
World Unites In Desire To Have A Little More Time Between Terrorist Attacks #~# PARIS—Citing the immense crowds gathered at rallies in Paris and scores of other cities across the globe, sources confirmed Sunday that the world has united in its common desire to have a little more time between terrorist attacks. “Today, citizens from every corner of the world have come together in a spirit of solidarity to call for a slight increase in the number of days separating one deadly act of terrorism from the next,” said French president Francois Hollande at a massive rally in his nation’s capital, giving voice to a sentiment felt by billions of individuals throughout the world with his declaration that, while an entire month without the ideologically driven murder of innocent civilians would be preferable, a respite of a mere week would definitely be appreciated at this point. “Though we certainly don’t expect to go a full year without this type of thing happening again, all of us stand as one in our belief that it would be nice to stretch out the downtime for at least a little longer than we’ve been experiencing lately. Honestly, even having 48 hours without a shocking act of violence in the name of some political or religious cause would be something we could work with.” At press time, the world’s citizens decided to simply try and get the most out of this lull while it lasts.
Report: Fan Chose To Buy Team’s Away Jersey #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Reports from Lambeau Field confirmed Sunday that a local Green Bay Packers fan, for whatever reason, evidently decided to at some point buy and now wear the team’s away jersey instead of its traditional green-and-gold jersey. “I don’t know why he didn’t just get the home one—he’s the only person at the game not wearing it,” said 29-year-old onlooker Alex Zimmer, noting that the Packers’ white away jersey is practically indistinguishable from every other team’s away jersey, all of which are also white. “It’s not like the away looks that much better or is any cheaper than the regular one. And I think he got it customized with his own name on the back, because that definitely isn’t the name of anyone on the team. Why not just get Aaron Rodgers or Clay Matthews? Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this guy?” Baffled sources later added that based on the stitching, the jersey appears to be authentic, meaning the idiot must have reportedly blown at least 300 bucks on that fucking thing.
Mankind Tired Of Having To Remind Itself Of Good In World #~# PARIS—In the wake of this week’s terrorist attacks on French newspaper Charlie Hebdo and two ensuing armed standoffs that together left over a dozen innocent civilians dead, humankind admitted Friday that it is sick and tired of having to perpetually remind itself of the good that exists in the world. “God, it seems like every day I have to force myself to look past some new episode of violence or hatred somewhere and convince myself that, deep down, human beings are good—honestly, it’s exhausting,” said U.S. resident Elizabeth O’Connor, echoing the precise sentiments of the whole of the human race, every one of whom sighed aloud today, gritted their teeth, and though disheartened, compelled themselves to once again bring to mind examples of human love and kindness just to make it through another day. “Ultimately, I know that the amount of life-affirming and compassionate qualities in this world far outweigh all the senseless brutality and horror, but frankly I’m just so, so fed up with having to assure myself of that every few hours. It’s taking up way too much of my time.” At press time, sources confirmed that the entirety of humanity had moved on to the equally tiresome process of reminding themselves to be grateful for every moment they have in this life and to cherish their family and loved ones.
Obama Proposes Free Community College For Those ‘Willing To Work’ #~# As part of an effort to make college education as universal and accessible as high school and help students reduce debt, President Obama this week proposed a plan that would make the first two years of community college free for any student “willing to work for it” by maintaining a modest grade point average. What do you think?
Intel Pledges $300 Million To Increase Workplace Diversity #~# The CEO of Intel announced that the computer chip company, which is majority white and male, will pledge $300 million over five years toward efforts to hire more women and minorities. What do you think?
CBS To Feature In-Studio Fan To Provide Partially Correct Explanations Of Refs’ Calls #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to provide additional insight into the league’s many complex rules and regulations, officials from CBS announced Friday that the network’s NFL coverage will now feature the analysis of an in-studio fan who will offer partially correct explanations for every contentious refereeing decision. “Through the rest of the playoffs, we’ll have a longtime NFL fan standing by in New York who possesses, at best, a tentative grasp on NFL rules to offer long-winded, rambling assessments of officiating calls,” said NFL On CBS executive producer Lance Barrow, noting that the middle-aged fan will appear via satellite to interpret complicated calls such as intentional grounding, pass interference, and illegal contact with varying degrees of inaccuracy. “Whenever a play is under review, the fan will offer his take, which will inevitably blur the line between college and pro rules, contradict an earlier explanation he gave for an identical play, or demonstrate a very clear bias toward one team, often ending with loud accusations that the ref is a dumbass who must be fucking blind.” Barrow went on to assure viewers that the fan’s explanations will be no more confusing, nonsensical, or irritating than those of CBS’ regular team of color commentators and studio analysts.
Career-Driven Man Beginning To Worry Entire Identity No Longer Tied To Job #~# NEW YORK—In an alarming shift of mindset that is said to have occurred so gradually that he failed to notice it at first, Westport Data Systems senior manager and career-driven man Matthew Bowers expressed concern Friday that his identity was no longer exclusively tied to his job. “I always saw myself as a high-performance individual who was focused solely on working my way up to VP, but lately I’ve been worried that I may be developing aspects of my personality that have nothing to do with climbing the corporate ladder,” said Bowers, 42, noting that he has recently observed in himself an “unhealthy” level of preoccupation with personal interests, activities, and relationships that can in no way give him a leg up professionally. “Just the other day, I was telling my boss about my son’s soccer game—at work, mind you—and he responded by calling me ‘a real family man.’ My boss called me that. It was a huge wake-up call.” At press time, Bowers confirmed his intention to get back to his roots by leaving work no earlier than 9 p.m. tonight and missing his daughter’s piano recital.
Man Looks On Helplessly As Friend Tells Him Story He’s Already Heard #~# OMAHA, NE—Paralyzed with dread as he began to recognize the first few words of his acquaintance’s anecdote, local man Luke Grainger reportedly looked on helplessly Friday as friend Brent McKinnon relayed a story he’d already heard before. “It took me a second or two to realize that Brent had previously told me the story, but by the time I put it together there was nothing I could do to stop him,” said Grainger, who had no choice but to nod along as the several-minutes-long story unfolded in full for a second time. “It was really difficult to keep listening, especially because he used the exact same inflections and made the same pauses for emphasis this time around. I tried hinting that I already knew the story by finishing some of his sentences, but unfortunately it was beyond my control. I couldn’t do anything.” Grainger told reporters he ultimately decided that he might as well sit through the end of the anecdote since he didn’t pay attention the first time.
Condo Board Maintains Purity Of Bloodline Through Generations Of Intermarriage #~# BLOOMINGDALE, FL—Citing the need to safeguard their highborn pedigree, the board of directors at local condominium development Oakwood Terrace told reporters Friday they have successfully maintained the purity of their bloodline through generations of intermarriage.
New ‘Imaginary Meal’ Pill Tricks Body Into Losing Weight #~# Researchers are testing a pill in mice that triggers the body into releasing signals that are normally produced after eating, thereby acting as an “imaginary meal” that spurs metabolic activity and tricks the body into losing weight. What do you think?
Status Of Gathering Upgraded To ‘Party’ By Presence Of Pizza #~# AUSTIN, TX—Claiming that it dramatically altered the atmosphere of the get-together, friends of local man Josh Peterson told reporters Monday that the status of their casual gathering had been upgraded to “party” by the mere presence of pizza. “At first we were all just kind of hanging out and watching football, but then Josh announced from the kitchen that he was getting ready to put a pizza in the oven, and that changed everything,” said friend Sarah Carney, noting that the mood and energy in the room instantaneously improved as Peterson began preheating the oven and handing out plates and napkins. “When I first arrived, I assumed we’d just be chit-chatting in front of the TV, but this is pizza we’re talking about. Who knows what sort of revelry we’re in for now?” At press time, sources confirmed the last slice of pizza had been consumed, demoting the party back to its original rank and signaling the end of the event.
Speculation Mounting Over Which Fired NFL Head Coaches To Be Emasculated As Coordinators Next Season #~# NEW YORK—With several names circulating as possibilities for the unique brand of public humiliation, speculation continued to mount Thursday over which recently fired NFL head coaches will be utterly emasculated by working as coordinators next season. “As teams begin assembling their staffs for next year, it remains to be seen whether the likes of Mike Smith will have to swallow their pride and accept a position where they will pathetically wield a mere 10 percent of their former power, authority, and prestige,” said ESPN NFL analyst Adam Schefter, adding that league sources are “fairly confident” in former Raiders coach Dennis Allen debasing himself as a defensive coordinator, for which he must humbly follow the orders of another head coach who was once his peer. “We know that several teams feel they could benefit from taking someone who once managed every aspect of an entire organization with total autonomy and then relegating him to the oversight of an offense or defense. There are even rumblings that at least one former head coach will pitifully spend a season taking orders from a current head coach who actually used to be his assistant.” At press time, sources confirmed that former Bears coach Marc Trestman will likely be forced to endure the ultimate embarrassment of taking a job as a quarterbacks coach.
Apartment Completely Flooded With Disgusting Sunlight #~# CHICAGO—Expressing revulsion while surveying the sudden deluge of brightness, local sales clerk Adam Grant told reporters Tuesday that his apartment was completely flooded with disgusting sunlight. “Ugh, it just started pouring in through the windows and now it’s everywhere,” said Grant, who recoiled as every square inch of his 800-square-foot studio apartment became covered in stomach-churning sunshine. “It’s so gross. And it keeps coming in. I don’t know what to do because it doesn’t look like this weather is going to let up anytime soon.” At press time, Grant was reportedly on the phone with his landlord asking how soon someone could come out and install new window blinds.
John Boehner Survives Biggest Revolt Against House Speaker In 150 Years #~# John Boehner was reelected to his third term as House Speaker this week despite losing the votes of 25 House Republicans, representing the most opposition to a major party’s speaker nominee since 1860. What do you think?
It Sadly Unclear Whether This Article Will Put Lives At Risk #~# PARIS—Following the fatal terrorist attack Wednesday at the offices of French newspaper Charlie Hebdo, sources confirmed this afternoon that it is sadly not yet clear whether this very article will ultimately put human lives at risk.
Area Man Only One With Problems #~# BOSTON—Expressing the sadness they feel for the beleaguered man and his incomprehensible plight, friends, family, and acquaintances of area man Doug Belson confirmed Wednesday that he is the only person in the world who has problems.
Woman Fulfills Manifest Destiny Of Hardwood Floor Throughout Home #~# EDINA, MN—Moved by a grand and profound force to expand her maple-finish domain beyond its limited borders in the kitchen, area woman Linda Ellison finally achieved her own manifest destiny of hardwood floors throughout her home this week, sources confirmed. “Though I understood it would be a long, arduous journey that would likely take many years to complete, I always knew deep down that one day, I would be able to look out across high-gloss, select-grade wood panels stretching all the way from the foyer to the back guest room,” said Ellison, who, despite numerous obstacles, never wavered in her pursuit of covering all 1,900 square feet of her ranch-style home in a varnished, light-tone flooring. “Finding mold in the den underneath the old Berber carpeting and having to reroute some electrical work may have temporarily slowed us, but nothing could stop our advancement. Now, at long last, every corner of the concrete subfloor has been covered in interlocking 2-and-a-quarter-inch hardwood, and this fated vision has become reality.” Sources noted, however, that Ellison’s full-scale transformation of the household landscape had come at the cost of the forced relocation of her husband’s favorite recliner to the basement.
Humble Ascetic Declines In-Flight Beverage Service #~# NEW YORK—Choosing to fast in an apparent attempt to reach an elevated plane of existence, humble ascetic Jonathan Weaver declined the complimentary snack and beverage service during his flight from New York to Atlanta, sources confirmed Wednesday. “No, thank you,” said the modern-day Siddhartha, opting to maintain his austere lifestyle by steadfastly refusing to indulge in such worldly pleasures as a small cup of bottled water or even a half-ounce bag of miniature pretzels. “I’m all set.” Sources confirmed that the great guru of discipline and abstinence then engaged in 70 minutes of self-mortification by resting his head against the cold window without asking for one of the airline’s free pillows.
Report: More Cities Banning Sledding To Avoid Lawsuits #~# According to a report from the Associated Press, more cities around the nation are banning sledding on public land to avoid being sued for millions of dollars in the event of an injury. What do you think?
Report: Congress More Religious Than General Public #~# According to the Pew Research Center, members of the 114th Congress are much more religious than the public they serve, with only one member describing herself as religiously unaffiliated compared with 20 percent of the general public. What do you think?
Man Who Spent 300 Hours Playing Fantasy Football This Year Rewarded With $30 Second-Place Payout #~# ALBANY, NY—Having barely lost in the championship game against his former college roommate, local 28-year-old Tim Beaumont, a man who spent roughly 300 hours playing fantasy football this year, was reportedly rewarded for his efforts Tuesday with a $30 second-place payout. “I’m a little disappointed I couldn’t go all the way, but at least I ended up winning 30 bucks,” said Beaumont, who reportedly spent an average of 90 minutes each day comparing players’ stats, monitoring the waiver wire, and emailing his friends about potential trades. “That injury to Le’Veon Bell against the Bengals really killed me. But you know what, I made back my money from the league buy-in, and I have some bragging rights over the other guys. It was a good season.” At press time, sources confirmed that after spending over $900 while watching NFL games at a local bar every Sunday, Beaumont plans to use his runner-up prize to purchase a used Xbox 360 controller.
The GOP’s Legislative Agenda #~# With the GOP formally taking control of Congress today following victories in November’s midterm elections, House and Senate Republicans are in a strong position to push their legislative agenda. Here’s a look at their top priorities:
I Will Never Give Up If There’s Even A 40% Chance My Child Is Still Alive #~# In the two months since my daughter went missing, we’ve done everything in our power to get her back. Yet today we are no closer to finding her than we were in the beginning. With no clues as to where Emily could be or who might have taken her, the police now believe she may be gone for good. Well, I refuse to accept that. I will never, ever give up if there’s even a 40 percent chance my little girl is still alive.
Government Admits It Was Only Behind Destruction Of North Tower #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they felt a duty to reveal what truly transpired on September 11, 2001, numerous high-ranking federal officials announced publicly Tuesday that the United States government was responsible for destroying just the North Tower of the World Trade Center.
Sudden Burst Of Confidence Not Sure Where The Hell It Came From Either #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Taken aback by the seemingly random nature of its appearance this afternoon, the sudden burst of confidence that overtook local office worker James Greenbaum told reporters that it was not sure where the hell it came from either. “It’s crazy—one minute I’m nowhere to be found, then the next I’m sprouting up from deep within James’ psyche. Needless to say, I was just as baffled as he was,” said the temporary feeling of poise and determination, adding that it had very limited experience with Greenbaum in the past and was both surprised and a bit uncomfortable to find itself inside the 30-year-old junior data management associate. “James was just minding his own business, and then—boom—I show up making him, of all people, feel fearless and self-assured. I don’t think either of us can make any sense of this one.” The burst of confidence added that it would do everything in its power to never return to Greenbaum again.
How To Stave Off The Winter Blues #~# With fewer hours of sunlight and lower temperatures that make it harder to stay active, the winter months can be a strain on the body and mind. Here are The Onion’s tips on how to keep seasonal depression at bay:
Caller Enters Remote Backwaters Of 1-800 Automated Messaging System #~# GREENVILLE, DE—With the man having long since strayed from the familiar path of the toll-free number’s main menu, sources confirmed that local Comcast customer Michael Hadlow had entered the remote backwoods of the cable company’s automated phone system Tuesday afternoon. “I think a few questions ago I was supposed to hit 6 instead of 8, and now I don’t know how to go back,” said a disoriented Hadlow, who, as he blindly stumbled deeper into the uncharted hinterlands regarding appointment scheduling and equipment installation options, held onto a brief glimmer of hope that the prerecorded voice would throw him a lifeline by asking if he would like to speak to a customer service assistant. “I need them to send me a new modem, but now it just keeps listing sports channel packages available for purchase. I’ve cycled through it twice now. Jesus, how did I get here?” After finding himself at a dead end in the furthest reaches of the system’s landline pricing plans, Hadlow reportedly managed to escape by hanging up the phone and immediately redialing the 1-800 number.
Report: Girlfriend Probably Reading Some Book Called ‘The Midwife’s Promise’ #~# SYRACUSE, NY—Noting the considerable likelihood that she was currently deep into the story and enjoying it greatly, reports confirmed Tuesday that area girlfriend Melissa Leavitt, 31, is probably reading some book titled The Midwife’s Promise. “Melissa’s been spending a lot of time this week with some new book, so my best guess is that it’s a historical fiction novel called The Midwife’s Promise that takes place in 1820s New England or something like that,” said boyfriend Cameron Scott, 32, corroborating speculation that the book almost certainly features a proud, strong-willed protagonist named Adeline. “Probably it’s about a woman who loses her husband to cholera—maybe typhoid—and has to surmount various hardships in order to build a new life for herself and her children under the backdrop of post-Revolutionary America. It maybe addresses themes of religious faith, a woman’s role in society, the allure of respected gentlemen—that kind of thing. I can tell you it almost definitely has a chapter named ‘The Schoolhouse.’ That’s for sure.” At press time, sources confirmed that the novel was most likely written by an individual who previously authored a book called Corrina’s Garden.
Study: Fast Food Lowers Kids’ Test Scores #~# A new study from researchers at Ohio State University found that children who eat fast food four to six times per week scored 20 percent lower on math, science, and reading tests than kids who don’t. What do you think?
PETA Blasts Sarah Palin For Letting Son Stand On Dog #~# Animal rights group PETA harshly criticized Sarah Palin for a picture she posted on Facebook of her 6-year-old son, Trig, standing on top of their family dog to reach the sink, calling her a “bizarrely callous woman.” What do you think?
Mother Trying Her Best To Project Same Amount Of Insecurities Onto All Her Daughters #~# SANTA CRUZ, CA—Saying that she wanted to be as fair as possible, local mother Joyce Ferrario told reporters Tuesday that she is trying her best to project equal amounts of insecurity onto her three teenage girls. “They’re all different kids with different sets of needs, but in the end I want to make sure I give each one of them the same amount of psychological hang-ups, body issues, and self-doubt,” said Ferrario, who hoped to avoid any resentment that might develop if she didn’t evenly divide the emotional scarring among her daughters. “Finding the right balance can be tricky. For example, if I bring up one’s weight, I need to focus on disparaging the other’s boyfriend while chastising the third for not being as smart as her sisters. It’s not always easy, but I do what I can.” Ferrario went on to contrast her parenting style to that of her husband, who puts all of his emotional distance into his youngest daughter.
How To Drive Safely In Winter Conditions #~# The winter months can be a dangerous time for drivers, with icy surfaces, inclement weather, and reduced visibility making roads more difficult to navigate. Here are some tips for reaching your destination safely while driving in winter conditions:
Dirty Slush Machine Provides Children In Florida Taste Of Winter #~# FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Smiling as their children played among the mounds of gray, icy slop, local parents told reporters Tuesday that a dirty slush machine had successfully provided their families with a small taste of winter in Florida. “I was raised in a city up north, so we had this all the time, but my 6-year-old daughter took her first sled ride on a hill of filthy mush not even 10 minutes from our house,” said Karen Rosen, who told reporters she was impressed at how the diesel-powered blower had fully transformed a patch of asphalt outside Coral Ridge Mall into a grimy sludge winterland. “Getting to watch my child do a snow angel in a layer of freezing gunk, motor oil, and salt was a real treat for me.” Rosen added that her only complaint was that the dirty slush had completely melted away into water and deicing chemicals before she and her daughter could build a snowman.
Supreme Court Releases Young Scalia’s Audition Tape #~# WASHINGTON—Longtime fans of Associate Justice Antonin Scalia were rewarded Monday when the U.S. Supreme Court released to the public archival footage of the jurist’s pivotal 1986 audition for a seat on the nation’s highest court.
Copycat Criminals Continue To Mimic Liquor Store Robbery From 1822 #~# MONTGOMERY, AL—Noting the incredibly similar circumstances surrounding all of the cases, legal sources confirmed Tuesday that countless copycat criminals across the country continue to imitate the infamous Blackjack Collins’ robbery of a Pittsburgh-area liquor store in 1822. “We still see thousands of individuals each year who have clearly patterned their heists after Blackjack, an early American criminal who masked his face in cloth, walked into Johnsons’ Spirit & Tobacco Shoppe brandishing a firearm, and screamed at the clerk, ‘Give me the money!’” said criminal profiler Paul Gorman, adding that the meticulously recreated homages are typically executed by those—just like Collins—who seek to quickly increase their personal wealth. “And just as Blackjack fled the scene on horseback, we find that nearly every modern-day culprit uses some form of transportation to make their getaway, a hallmark of the initial crime that has repeated itself over and over for nearly 200 years.” Gorman added that an equally strong trend exists among those carrying forth the legacy of mid-18th-century Fort Edward, NY man Ira Brouwer, who burned his log cabin down for the insurance money.
Man In Solitary Confinement Can’t Break With Reality Fast Enough #~# OSSINING, NY—Appearing visibly frustrated several hours after being placed into isolation at the Sing Sing Correctional Facility, convicted felon Walter Ray Harris reported this afternoon that he could not break with reality quickly enough. “Come on! How long could it possibly take for me to lose all understanding of the world around me and slip into a state of paranoid delusion?” said Harris, pacing impatiently as he waited for the acute awareness that he would spend the next several days locked alone in a dark, 8’-by-10’ cell to fade from his mind and be overtaken by an all-consuming psychosis. “Let’s go already! Jeez, this is taking forever.” At press time, Harris had become momentarily excited at hearing voices in his head that turned out to be chatting guards.
Scientists Speculate Extraterrestrials May Have Completely Different Hair Than Humans #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Citing the near infinite number of celestial bodies in the known universe, an international panel of scientists at Stanford University released a report this week speculating that any extraterrestrials that exist may have hair entirely different from that of humans.
Punishing Kids For Lying Actually Makes Them Lie More #~# According to a new study by McGill University, children who are reprimanded or otherwise punished for lying are more likely to bend the truth or tell white lies than kids who are given a moral lesson and told that honesty is the best policy. What do you think?
Fox Introduces New Line Of Scrimmage Reporter For NFL Playoffs #~# LOS ANGELES—Claiming that the new addition to their broadcast will bring fans closer to the game than ever before, officials from Fox Sports confirmed Friday that the network is debuting line of scrimmage reporters for all of its NFL playoff games. “Beginning with Wild Card Weekend, our line of scrimmage reporters will be positioned right in the middle of the neutral zone in order to provide viewers with the most in-depth and up-to-date information on what’s happening before the snap,” said Fox Sports president Eric Shanks, adding that the reporters will shed valuable insight into the quarterback’s cadence, audibles on either side of the ball, and any trash talk during the 40 seconds between each play. “For the first time ever, fans will be given live updates from a source standing just inches away from the center as he tries to read the opposing defense. And once the ball is snapped, our commentators will check back in with our reporter to get a firsthand look at how a hole or passing pocket is developing.” Shanks added that the network is also currently experimenting with a sky reporter, who, while suspended from a thin wire running the length of the field, will provide real-time analysis of plays from an aerial position.
Study: Most Internet Users Won’t Stop Online Bullies #~# According to a new study from Ohio State University, only 10 percent of internet users who witness online bullying choose to confront the bully or help the victim, with the rest demonstrating the “bystander effect.” What do you think?
Newlywed Couple Looks So Deeply In Debt #~# CHICAGO—Saying that you could tell by the way they stared into each other’s eyes, friends and family of newlywed couple Patrick and Heather Vaughn told reporters Friday that the bride and groom look so deeply in debt. “When you see them together and how they interact, it’s really obvious that they are just hopelessly in debt,” said guest Elizabeth Buehl, adding that it was clear to everyone at the extravagant wedding reception that the couple would be very much in the red for years and years. “Reminds me of when my husband and I were their age. I’m sure they’ll be that way forever.” Buehl went on to speculate that it wouldn’t be long before the couple would start sharing their debt with their future children.
Yankees Rookie Nervously Tells A-Rod How Much He Used To Hate Him As A Kid #~# TAMPA, FL—Tentatively approaching the All-Star third baseman during a spring training workout Friday, New York Yankees rookie outfielder Tyler Austin reportedly worked up the courage to tell Alex Rodriguez how much he used to hate him as a kid. “Hey, Alex, I’m sure you get this from the younger guys all the time, but I just wanted you to know how much I hated your fucking guts when I was growing up,” Austin told the Yankees slugger, adding that he will “always remember” watching Rodriguez slap the ball out of Bronson Arroyo’s glove in the 2004 ALCS and then later finally admit to years of steroid use in 2009. “I’ll never forget visiting Yankee Stadium with my dad when I was 15, and every time you came up to bat I would just boo and scream “Asshole!” at you as loud as I could. And now we’re sharing the same field—I can hardly believe it.” Austin later expressed his surprise to reporters that Rodriguez is somehow even more of an abhorrent, utterly rage-inducing prick in person.
Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients #~# NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Friday. “Initially the results were very promising, but after a third of our patients showed troubling side effects we had to make the difficult decision to terminate the subject group—at that point, it was the only humane thing to do,” said lead researcher Richard Dunn, confirming that this was the second test group in a week that had to be eliminated, following a group of 30 arthritis sufferers who had responded poorly to a new 300 mg formulation of Celebrex. “This is often an unfortunate part of the development stage, but I can assure you that not all is lost; with what we’ve been able to learn from this now-deceased cohort, we’re almost certain to earn FDA approval after the next series of trials.” Dunn further expressed his dismay that, since there was no longer anything to compare them against, the members of the study’s control group would also need to be euthanized.
Notable Athlete Endorsement Deals #~# With star players now making hundreds of millions of dollars to endorse various products and companies, Onion Sports examines the most lucrative and groundbreaking athlete endorsement deals of all time:
Madonna Pulled Off Stage By Too-Tight Armani Matador Cape #~# Madonna tumbled off stage at last night’s BRIT Awards when a backup dancer pulled on her Armani matador cape, which was supposed to come off but was tied too tightly. What do you think?
KFC Introduces Edible Coffee Cups In The U.K. #~# KFC locations in the U.K. have introduced edible coffee cups called Scoff-ee cups that are “wrapped in sugar paper and lined with a layer of glorious white chocolate." What do you think?
Once-Loyal Enabler Betrays Man By Suggesting Therapy #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—After years of faithfully supporting every bad decision he made, a formerly dependable enabler of local man Ken Vatter reportedly betrayed him Thursday by casually suggesting he see a therapist about his problems. “Maybe it wouldn’t hurt for you to talk to somebody,” said the modern-day Judas, who sources confirmed could once be relied upon to encourage whatever self-destructive behavior or antisocial activity Vatter chose to engage in. “I’m always here for you, but I’m just saying that it might not be a bad idea to sit down with a professional.” At press time, the man who had heartlessly stabbed Vatter in the back was compounding his act of treachery by offering to put his friend in touch with the person he goes to.
Arne Duncan Spends Visit To Local Elementary School Looking At UFO Books In Library #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the cabinet official could be heard periodically muttering exclamations of surprise and amazement, sources at Harriet Tubman Elementary School told reporters that Education Secretary Arne Duncan spent the entirety of his visit Thursday sitting Indian-style on the floor of the library, completely engrossed in books about UFOs. “Hey, Mrs. Keck! Did you know that more than 6,000 people see a UFO every year?” an awestruck Duncan reportedly asked librarian Joanne Keck after finishing a book titled Mysteries Of The Cosmos: Extraterrestrials And Flying Saucers. “Do you have any books about alien abductions or Area 51? I heard they have a real alien skeleton there!” At press time, Duncan was drawing a flying saucer with Magic Markers and could be heard making the high-pitched sound of a tractor beam.
Catching Up On 2 Seasons Of ‘House Of Cards’ Depressingly Manageable #~# SOMERVILLE, MA—Noting that he only needs to watch 26 full episodes of the political drama, local man Ben Atwell revealed Thursday that catching up on the previous two seasons of the Netflix show House Of Cards should be depressingly manageable. “I shouldn’t have any trouble getting through both seasons in the next few days,” said Atwell, who told reporters that he currently does not have any obligations in his life that might prevent him from maintaining a comfortable, extremely sad pace of watching six or seven of the hour-long episodes each day. “Making sure I get a full eight hours of sleep each night won’t be a problem either, even if I decide to take short breaks every couple episodes. Should be a breeze.” In a final heartbreaking statement to reporters, Atwell described the sense of grief he expects to feel after running out of episodes to watch when he finishes viewing the new season by Saturday evening.
Bench Players Given Some Time In First Quarter Of Game Against Knicks #~# BOSTON—Stressing that it was a good opportunity for younger members of the team to get some valuable experience, Boston Celtics head coach Brad Stevens reportedly removed his starters and put in bench players during the first quarter of Wednesday night’s game against the New York Knicks. “When you’re already up by this much and only have three quarters left to play, it can’t hurt to give some of these rookies a shot,” said Stevens, adding that he hoped to avoid needlessly running up the score over the final 42 minutes of the game. “There’s no reason to have our starting five out there at this point—the game’s a foregone conclusion, and now we’re just in garbage time. They did enough over those first seven minutes of the game that we might as well have them rest and let some of these guys who haven’t played all year see some action while the pressure is off.” At press time, the Knicks managed to reduce their deficit to a more respectable 20 points after Stevens pulled all but one player off the court for the entirety of the second half.
Authorities Demolish Capitol Building That Was Site Of Gruesome 113th Congressional Session #~# WASHINGTON—Saying this was an important first step in helping their community heal, local authorities in Washington, D.C. confirmed this morning that they had demolished the Capitol Building in which the horrific 113th congressional session took place.
Study: Boyfriends Who Aren’t Speaking Are Thinking About Ending Relationship 90% Of Time #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—Confirming that the average boyfriend’s thoughts immediately turn to the subject during any period of silence, a study released Thursday by the University of North Carolina found that whenever a boyfriend isn’t speaking, he is, on 90 percent of occasions, thinking about ending the relationship. “By studying hundreds of couples we were able to determine that, nine times out of 10, if a boyfriend trails off in conversation or hesitates before answering a question, it’s because he’s currently contemplating how to break things off,” said the study’s author, Paul Hagerty, who added that even seemingly innocuous gaps in conversation caused by failing to hear something that was said or taking a lengthy pause between sentences are all-but-certain indicators that a boyfriend is mulling over how best to let his girlfriend down easy. “No matter how long or short the silence is, unless words are actively coming out of your boyfriend’s mouth, he’s likely formulating a plan to call it quits and leave you. Even if he appears to be focused on driving the car or reading peacefully next to you in bed, his thoughts are almost certainly racing with multiple ways he could end things right then and there.” Hagerty added that on the majority of occasions when a boyfriend says “I love you,” he’s actually preparing to segue into a rehearsed breakup speech.
U.K. To Allow 3-Parent Babies #~# The British Parliament has approved a new IVF technique that uses the process of mitochondrial transfer to produce a baby with the DNA of a father and two mothers, which would allow women with certain genetic mutations to have children. What do you think?
Report: Only 40% Of Celebrities End Up Marrying Their Stalkers #~# LOS ANGELES—Revealing that the success of such relationships is far less certain than typically assumed, a report released Wednesday by UCLA’s Department of Sociology found that only 40 percent of celebrities ultimately end up marrying their stalkers.
Bouncer Instructed Not To Let People Like Himself In #~# COLUMBUS, OH—In an effort to maintain a peaceful and enjoyable atmosphere for guests at local nightclub Zenith, bouncer Anthony Russo was given strict instructions Wednesday not to let people like himself in. “Make sure you keep out any hotheads who seem like they’re just looking for a fight,” said club owner Greg Taylor to the frightening muscleman who has been known to instigate violence at even the slightest real or imagined provocation. “We don’t want this club turning into the kind of place where troublemakers hang out.” At press time, the man who had injected large quantities of illegal anabolic steroids into his bloodstream hours earlier was also told not to admit anyone who was carrying drugs.
Report: Jurors Who Saw ‘American Sniper’ Were Still Picked For Chris Kyle Murder Trial #~# Two jurors on the trial of the man found guilty of killing Chris Kyle, the late U.S. Navy SEAL regarded as the most lethal sniper in military history whose autobiography was adapted into the film American Sniper, told Good Morning America today that they had seen the film prior to the trial, raising concerns about juror bias. What do you think?
WWE Accused Of Paying Female Wrestlers Less #~# Inspired by Patricia Arquette’s speech at the Oscars about wage inequality, three-time WWE Divas champion A.J. Lee accused the league of paying female wrestlers less than their male counterparts. What do you think?
Keystone Veto Buys Environment At Least 3 Or 4 More Hours #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the numerous ecological benefits of blocking the proposed legislation, experts confirmed Wednesday that President Obama’s decision to veto the Keystone XL pipeline bill should buy the environment an additional three or four hours of viability. “Given the negative impact that this project could have had on the planet, we believe that the president’s efforts have successfully pushed back the complete breakdown of global ecosystems from about 3 p.m. to possibly 6:30 p.m. on the final day of ecological stability,” said Peter Grant of the Brookings Institution, adding that, by forestalling the construction of an oil pipeline that threatened to degrade air quality, interrupt species migration, and contribute to global warming, the White House had extended the era in which the earth can sustain life by as many as 300 minutes. “While the suspension of this project will do little to reverse the current damage to our environment, we can say with confidence that we’ve definitely delayed the complete destruction of nature by about the length of an afternoon.” At press time, Grant confirmed that the announcement of a new plastics manufacturing plant in Shanghai had cut their estimate in half.
‘Miracle On Ice’ Players Wondering If They Can Reunite Somewhere Other Than Lake Placid #~# LAKE PLACID, NY—Telling reporters that they would be open to hundreds of other cities and towns across the country, members of the 1980 “Miracle On Ice” U.S. Olympic hockey team openly wondered Wednesday whether their next reunion could be held anywhere other than Lake Placid. “Just out of curiosity, would it be possible for us to celebrate our historic achievement in a city that, I don’t know, has more than a few thousand people and isn’t in the middle of nowhere?” said former captain Mike Eruzione, adding that while there are certainly many great memories associated with the town, he and his teammates have no desire to spend another weekend of their lives wandering around weather-beaten 35-year-old Olympic facilities in the dead of winter. “I hate to say this, but c’mon, this place is a shithole. Maybe we could put on our old Team USA jerseys and get together somewhere warm like Miami or Los Angeles. Hell, even going two hours south to Albany would be a big improvement on this dump.” Eruzione added that the team would happily spend the event’s 40th anniversary in Russia if it meant they would never have to return to Lake Placid again.
Long-Silent Facebook Friend Comes Out Of Woodwork With Post Asking About Insulating Windows #~# DULUTH, MN—Breaking a silence that had lasted for several years, a long-dormant Facebook friend of local resident Maureen Sussman reportedly came out of the woodwork Wednesday with a status update asking how to properly insulate windows. “She hadn’t shared a link or a photo or anything in at least three years, and then suddenly she comes out of nowhere with a question about weatherproofing,” said Sussman, noting that the post appeared next to a profile photo that was apparently unchanged since college and read in part, “Anyone know how to seal windows for winter??” “It’s crazy to finally hear from her. I checked her page, and the last thing she posted was on December 20, 2012, wishing everybody ‘happy holidays.’ I can only imagine a lot has happened in her life since then, but all we know is that she has a draft in her house she wants to seal up.” At press time, the long-silent friend had reportedly continued her unexplained Facebook resurgence by posting a follow-up comment inquiring whether “that 3M spray foam stuff works.”
Winston Churchill’s Blood Up For Auction #~# An auction house in Britain is reportedly auctioning off a vial of Winston Churchill’s blood that was taken by a student nurse who was caring for him after a hip fracture, and appraisers say it could fetch upwards of $900. What do you think?
If I End Up On Life Support, My Family Knows The Type Of Long, Protracted Legal Battle I Would Want #~# For a long time, I, like most people, put off the unpleasant task of drawing up a living will. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize the importance of having a plan in place in case I become incapacitated and decisions must be made about whether to extend my life through artificial means. This way, if I ever end up unconscious and on life support, those closest to me will know precisely the type of nasty, prolonged legal battle I would want.
Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine #~# BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a totally unwanted twist on Mexican cuisine. “You’ll find all your favorite Mexican dishes on our menu, but with completely unnecessary alterations that no one wants or has ever once asked for,” said Bento Burrito founder Alex Cochran, noting that as part of the restaurant’s efforts to make arbitrary, superfluous Japanese substitutions, patrons would have no choice but to eat their house-made tortilla chips with wasabi instead of salsa. “Enchiladas are a delicious traditional Mexican standard, so there’s no need to add pickled ginger to them, but that’s exactly what we did. Or if you’re looking for lighter fare, simply stop in and shake your head at our tacos that come topped with a wholly uncalled-for pile of bean sprouts.” Cochran encouraged residents to check out the restaurant’s menu online, guaranteeing that every customer would be 100 percent infuriated by item names ranging from Teriyaquitos to Sake-ritas.
Jameis Winston Doesn’t Rule Out Playing Baseball In Prison #~# TAMPA, FL—Speaking to reporters Tuesday about potentially continuing as a two-sport athlete after college, Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston refused to rule out the possibility of someday playing baseball in prison. “I’m a football player first and foremost, so that will remain a priority, but it’d be great if I can play both football and baseball while I’m incarcerated,” said Winston, adding that he has the drive and ability to be a multiple-sport athlete for at least several years of his prison sentence. “It’ll depend on how much time I have in the yard each day, and I’ll definitely want to make sure I have the support of my fellow inmates before I commit to anything, but if the circumstances are right, I think I could easily be a top pitcher in whichever penitentiary I end up going to.” Reached for comment, several NFL general managers privately told reporters that any possibility of Winston pursuing baseball in prison would not at all dissuade them from drafting him.
Study: Gerbils Were Actual Cause Of Black Plague #~# Challenging the widespread belief that the Black Plague of medieval Europe was spread by rats covered in disease-carrying fleas, a new study has found that the outbreak was more likely caused by flea-ridden gerbils. What do you think?
Raytheon CEO Sends Obama Another Article About Mounting Unrest In Libya #~# WALTHAM, MA—Using the subject heading “you should definitely check this out,” Thomas A. Kennedy, CEO of the defense contractor Raytheon, reportedly emailed President Obama today with yet another link to an article detailing mounting tensions in Libya. “Hey Barack, just thought you might be interested in this,” read the email, the sixth such message sent from Kennedy in the past month, in which he CC’d Defense Secretary Ashton Carter and provided a link to a recent CNN story about ISIS gaining a foothold in the Libyan city of Derna. “Looks like things are really getting out of hand over there. A lot of people are saying it could destabilize the whole region.” Sources confirmed that several minutes after sending the email, Kennedy received a curt reply from Obama indicating that he had already seen the story earlier in the week when it was sent to him by executives at Lockheed Martin, Northrop Grumman, ATK, General Dynamics, and Boeing.
Starbucks To End CD Sales #~# Starbucks announced this week that after 15 years of selling CDs from popular artists in stores, the company will stop stocking them and by March will only sell digital albums on its website. What do you think?
College Freshman From Florida Has Never Seen People Complain About Snow For 5 Months Before #~# ITHACA, NY—Marveling at how different winter is in the Northeast compared to her hometown in Florida, Ithaca College freshman Emilie Sherman told reporters Tuesday that this was the very first time she had ever seen people complain about snow for five consecutive months. “Growing up in Sarasota, of course there was never any incessant whining about snow, so I was completely amazed when I saw that first person go on and on for months on end about how annoying the snow was,” said a visibly awestruck Sherman, adding that while she had previously heard how harsh and lengthy the complaints about winter could be in the northern U.S., the amount of ceaseless grumbling she’s seen this year went far beyond anything she had ever imagined. “It’s remarkable—I just can’t believe the bitching continues this long every year. I’m still stunned every time I look around and see all of it.” Despite her astonishment, Sherman said she couldn’t wait to return home over break and get back to her more familiar year-round gripes about the heat and humidity.
Death Row Inmate Dies Of Natural Causes 3 Days Into Execution #~# MCALESTER, OK—Calling it an “unfortunate incident,” Oklahoma Department of Corrections officials confirmed that convicted murderer and death row inmate Harrison Garber, 57, died of natural causes three days into his lethal injection Tuesday. “Approximately 55 hours into the execution process, Mr. Garber began having seizures and showing signs of severe distress, ultimately succumbing to the effects of a stroke,” said warden Timothy Richards, adding that medical personnel rushed to revive the man so they could proceed with the execution, but it was already too late. “A preliminary report by the coroner indicates a sudden arterial embolism in the brain—an unforeseen turn of events that was certainly not the chemically induced cardiac arrest by which we eventually expected him to die.” Richards then vowed immediate reforms, declaring that all future death row inmates would have to pass a physical examination to ensure they were not at risk of passing away on the execution table while waiting for the unproven cocktail of chemicals inside them to take effect.
Mom Could Have Used Few More Days To Self Before Missing Daughter Returned #~# BEDFORD, VA—Admitting she had not had any real alone time in years, local mother Terri Pope told reporters Tuesday that she could have used a few more days to herself before being reunited with her missing daughter, Allison. “I can’t express in words just how relieved I am that Allison’s back, but if I’m being honest, a part of me really appreciated having a quieter house for a couple of days,” Pope said, explaining that while she could finally rest easy knowing her daughter was safe, she wouldn’t have complained about an extra night or two without having to make the 9-year-old dinner and drive her to and from dance class. “Don’t get me wrong, this last week has been a living nightmare, but it also gave me a chance to sleep in, and I was able to get a haircut I’d been putting off for weeks. Another few days and I would have been all caught up on Grimm.” Pope went on to say that at the very least she could count on having a little more downtime in the near future, as it was clear that Allison’s little brother, Jeremy, would never be returning home.
Bellicose Contingent Of Seventh-Graders Want To Play Tackle #~# WEST ALLIS, WI—Forcefully asserting that two-hand touch football is “for girls,” reports out of Greenfield Park confirmed Monday that a small but aggressive faction of seventh-graders are staunchly in favor of playing tackle. “C’mon, stop being such babies—let’s play real football,” said the contingent’s de facto leader, 12-year-old Conor Crawford, reportedly growing increasingly combative and confrontational as several of his seventh-grade peers displayed some hesitancy toward the idea. “We can put Brian and Jack on different teams since they’re the biggest, so that way it’ll be fair. Tackle is so much more fun, and it’s not like we’re playing on pavement or something.” At press time, play had halted as the entire group gathered around a crying Brennan Michaels following the game’s kickoff.
Person Who Clearly Hasn’t Seen ‘The Fifth Element’ Arguing There No Good Roles For Women #~# HOUSTON—Revealing her total ignorance of the 1997 science-fiction classic, local resident Erin Marshall, a corporate consultant who has clearly never seen the film The Fifth Element, reportedly complained Monday about Hollywood’s lack of good acting roles for women. “When it comes to big-budget movies, women are always forced to play either a one-dimensional heroine or a bland, forgettable love interest for a male protagonist,” said Marshall, who is doubtlessly unfamiliar with Milla Jovovich’s star-making turn as super-powered extraterrestrial humanoid Leeloo, a complex and compelling character exhibiting emotional vulnerability, extreme intelligence, and a wide range of martial arts talents. “There’s an unsettling scarcity of parts that celebrate and challenge the female actor, and it’s just really disappointing [that I’ve never seen the cinematic tour de force that is The Fifth Element, and still remain unaware of Jovovich learning an entire fictional language to prepare for the film].” At press time, Marshall’s argument that there are also no good roles for African-American actors was thoroughly disproved by Chris Tucker’s iconic portrayal of flamboyant talk show host Ruby Rhod.
Busy Woman Keeps Best-Dressed Oscar Slideshow Tab Open To Be Savored As Sumptuous Feast At Her Leisure #~# GALVESTON, TX—Saying that the red carpet fashions were too luscious to be consumed in a hurry, 32-year-old marketing manager Gabrielle Lauriston reportedly kept the Vanity Fair “Oscars Best-Dressed” slideshow tab open Monday to be savored as a feast at her leisure. “I don’t want to pick at these piece by piece, so I’ll just wait until later, when I can really, truly indulge myself,” said Lauriston, adding that she would gorge upon what Sienna Miller, Jessica Chastain, and Lupita Nyong’o wore when things got slow around three. “Maybe I’ll check out the first few slides as a succulent little reward for getting through these emails, but the true banquet comes later, when I click through the whole slideshow several times until I’ve had my fill.” Sources later confirmed that Lauriston had already scarfed down the slideshow as well as an entire “Oscars Baubles And Bracelets” article before noon.
Joan Rivers Excluded From Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ Segment #~# Fans of late comedian and actor Joan Rivers blasted Academy Awards producers last night after they excluded Rivers, who made appearances in dozens of films over her decades-long career as well as covered the Oscars red carpet, from the show’s “In Memoriam” segment. What do you think?
Mattel Making Over Barbie With Racial Diversity, Tech Features #~# After years of losing young consumers to competing doll brands like Bratz and Monster High, Mattel has decided to completely make over Barbie by releasing a new line of dolls that are racially diverse, have the ability to talk, can bend their ankles, and more. Here are some features of the new Barbies:
Friend Working At Milwaukee History Museum Could Probably Get You In For Free #~# MILWAUKEE—Suggesting that he might be able to pull a few strings at the admissions desk, a friend who works as a cashier at the Milwaukee History Museum confirmed Monday that he could probably get you in for free. “If you can get here before 3:30 and come in through the north entrance, I’m pretty sure I can hook you up as long as you don’t bring a bunch of people,” said the friend, emphasizing that while general admission would be “on the house,” you would most likely have to pay to enter the French Fur Traders Exhibit, as that particular area requires a separate ticket. “It has to be Monday or Wednesday when Karen is working the front desk. If George is on duty, it’ll be a lot trickier. Worst-case scenario, I can meet you outside and slip you a wristband.” At press time, the friend sent a text message urging you to swing by soon to check out the retrospective “Solomon Juneau: Milwaukee’s First Mayor” before it closes at the end of the month.
Luxury-Craving Nation Confidently Squandering Income At Pre-2008 Levels #~# WASHINGTON—Citing the encouraging trend as evidence that the nation is finally emerging from the financial crisis, a new report issued by the Bureau of Labor Statistics Thursday revealed that Americans are once more squandering their incomes on luxury goods and services at a pre-2008 level. “Our research has found that citizens across every income bracket are frittering away money on smartphone games, high-end exercise clothing, and elaborate espresso machines at a rate we haven’t seen since before the recession,” said lead researcher Nicole Foster, adding that national spending data indicates more Americans are purchasing organic dog treats than at any point over the last six years. “The fact that most Americans are willing to splurge on so many utter non-necessities suggests they feel confident in blowing their paychecks without fear of repercussion.” However, Foster warned that the nation’s confidence in throwing away its money was fragile and that it was just a single economic downturn away from restraining itself all over again.
Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off #~# ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of work. “A few weeks ago there was a whole big gathering for Paul with cupcakes and everything, but for Brent, there was just this one-sentence mention in our weekly update email from our office manager that was mostly about the break room refrigerator policy,” said coworker Dana Oppenheim, adding that a couple people who happened to see Wheeler heading for the door at the end of the day did take a moment to wish him well. “So that’s it, I guess. He’s gone now.” Oppenheim added, however, that Wheeler’s unheralded exit made sense given that in five years at the company he had never become important enough for coworkers to acknowledge his birthday.
Experts: Eggs No Longer Considered Health Risk #~# Though government officials have warned Americans for years about the high cholesterol content found in eggs, a U.S. health advisory panel now reports that eating eggs should no longer be considered a health risk linked to heart disease, a decision that many leading medical experts consider long overdue. What do you think?
No One Sure If Academy Awards After-Party Going To Have Food #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying they’d be a bit surprised if there wasn’t at least something to nibble on, the 1,500 invitees to the official after-party of the 87th Academy Awards admitted Sunday that they were not sure if the gala event would have food. “Richard [Linklater] guessed they’d have trays of stuff going around, but even if that’s true, it might be gone if we don’t get there really early,” said Best Supporting Actor nominee Robert Duvall, adding that the Golden Globes after-party had food, so it’d be kind of odd if the one for the Oscars didn’t. “Maybe I’ll grab a granola bar or a bag of almonds beforehand. That way, if there’s no food, at least I won’t be starving. Then I can swing by In-N-Out Burger on the way home.” At press time, Duvall was asking Birdman director Alejandro González Iñárritu if he thought the after-party would be open bar.
Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together #~# HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together. “I like seeing famous people, but I like it even better when I see a whole bunch of famous people all near each other in a big room,” said Philadelphia resident Cathy Parker, who further explained her gratification at witnessing numerous famous people talking, smiling, and clapping in the general proximity of other famous people. “Look how close they are. There’s so many different ones. I like when one stands up and goes up the stairs and starts talking. My favorite is when one famous person says something that makes the other famous people laugh.” At press time, the nation was reportedly feeling happy after watching the famous people having a good time.
Dolby Theatre Hunchback Stares Longingly At Beautiful Guests From Rafters #~# LOS ANGELES—Perched forlornly in the rafters above the merriment of the 87th Annual Academy Awards, the Dolby Theatre Hunchback stared down in longing at the beautiful guests sitting in the hall below, sources confirmed Sunday. “Oh, to have a face so fair as to be among those happy people, instead of this horrible visage that condemns me to the shadows,” said the Hunchback as he reportedly swung from the theatre’s weighted ropes to raise the curtain on John Legend and Common’s performance of the Oscar-nominated song “Glory,” lamenting that but a glimpse of his grotesque form would sicken the actors and actresses he so adored. “Alas, it is only here, hidden amongst the darkness and the dust, that one so hideous as I may dwell. But soft! My beloved Jessica Chastain speaks!” At press time, the Hunchback had cradled to his chest a crudely formed Oscar made from trash discarded at last year’s ceremony.
‘You Are Not Your Job,’ Obama Reminds Himself Throughout Shower #~# WASHINGTON—Muttering softly under his breath as he leaned his head against the tiled bathroom wall, President Barack Obama repeatedly reminded himself that he was not his job over the course of a 15-minute shower Friday morning, White House sources confirmed. “This job does not define you,” the commander-in-chief reportedly thought to himself as he stood there with his eyes closed, hands hanging at his sides while letting streams of water run down his face. “You are Barack Obama. You have two kids and a wife who love you. You have dreams and beliefs. That’s the man you were before you came into office, and that’s who you’ll be when you leave. Whatever else happens out there today, they can’t take that away from you.” Sources confirmed that the chief executive then stared unblinkingly at water circling the bath’s drain for several minutes before turning off the faucet and reaching for a towel.
Walmart Raising Wages #~# Amid pressure from labor groups to provide its workforce with a better living wage, Walmart has announced that it will pay all workers at least $9 per hour beginning this April, a decision that will cost $1 billion and affect 500,000 employees, with the company additionally committing to a $10 hourly wage by 2016. What do you think?
76ers Afraid To Kick Bunch Of Tough-Looking Guys Off Practice Court #~# PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the men currently engaged in the four-on-four pickup game are “really big” and “seem kind of mean,” players on the Philadelphia 76ers were reportedly hesitant Friday to kick a group of tough-looking guys off the team’s practice court. “I tried asking them what time they’d be done, but I don’t think they heard me,” said 76ers starting point guard Michael Carter-Williams, adding that his teammates and coaches have been quietly standing on the sidelines of the practice facility for 15 minutes in the hopes that the men would notice and take the hint to finish up. “The court is definitely reserved for us, but I don’t really want to start a whole fuss over it with these guys. At one point, it actually looked like they were done, but they just took a quick water break and then started up a new game with different teams. After this one’s over, I’ll try to see if they’ll let us use half of the court.” At press time, the 76ers players had sheepishly declined an invitation to join the pickup game, politely insisting that they would wait to take the court until the other men were done.
Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film. “Instead of watching our authentic big-budget studio film, this randomly selected control group saw a movie that lacked any recognizable star, overt ‘high-concept’ premise, rapidly unfolding narrative, or extensive computer-generated effects, so that we could compare their reactions with those of the real movie’s viewers,” said Paramount production head Marc Evans, acknowledging that many members of the control group exhibited the same level of emotional gratification and entertainment as those who viewed the actual upcoming action-adventure blockbuster. “Such a double-blind screening method allows us to determine whether the thrills, laughs, and heartbreak experienced by audience members actually stem from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s performance in the Terminator sequel we have coming out this July, or whether they are simply the result of a placebo effect.” Despite poor findings that showed no significant improvement upon the placebo film, executives said they had already spent $170 million developing the franchise feature and would just give it a wide international release anyway.
Oklahoma Votes To Ban AP U.S. History #~# Believing that the coursework casts American history in a negative light, state legislators in Oklahoma voted this week to replace Advanced Placement U.S. History classes in public high schools with a new framework that they believe better emphasizes “U.S. exceptionalism,” though critics argue this change will deprive students of a proper education. What do you think?
Hotel Now Charging Patrons For Looking At Items In Minibar #~# MCLEAN, VA—Explaining that the "nominal surcharge" helps the company provide the optimal in-room experience to its guests, the Hilton Worldwide hospitality chain announced Wednesday its plan to charge hotel patrons for looking at items in their rooms' minibars. “We are always innovating new ways we can make your stay more enjoyable, and in addition to our typical amenities, guests at any Hilton affiliate can now gaze at a wide array of food and drink options for a minimal fee,” said spokesperson Lydia Fischer, explaining that the company's recently installed mini-fridges are fully equipped with retinal scanners and microchips to determine which snacks or alcoholic beverages are being looked at, and for how long, and then tabulate the collected data into a per-night additional cost. “Our customers asked for increased offerings, and we listened. Now there are dozens of products, from wine, to soft drinks, to chocolates and savory options, that guests can stare at as long as they like, with the understanding that extended gaping will be charged accordingly. It’s just one of the ways we show our appreciation.” Fischer added that the cost will show up on a patron's bill alongside the hotel's one-time $19 charge for maintaining its complimentary Wi-Fi network.
Obama’s Plan For Fighting Extremism #~# President Obama spoke before gathered world leaders this week at a summit on extremism, discussing the root causes of such violence, weighing options for combating terrorist groups like ISIS and Boko Haram, and laying out a plan for curbing attacks. Here are the key aspects of the plan:
New Gym Member Lingers By Free Weights For Several Seconds Before Returning To Elliptical Machine #~# EAGAN, MN—After tentatively approaching the extensive rack of dumbbells located along the gym’s wall, new Bally Total Fitness member Brian Vinje was seen lingering in the vicinity of the free weights for several seconds Thursday before returning to the elliptical machine on which he had previously been exercising, onlookers reported. According to accounts, Vinje took roughly eight seconds to peruse the wide selection of weights, lightly touching the grip of a 20-pound dumbbell for a moment, before retreating a short distance and briefly pretending to become occupied by a poster of human musculature on the wall. While reportedly pausing to cast a furtive glance around the room, Vinje is said to have made fleeting eye contact with another gym-goer seated on a nearby bench, causing him, by all accounts, to abruptly jerk his gaze back to the rack and to scan it as if searching for a specific desired weight. At press time, Vinje was seen with his eyes focused downward as he once again engaged the default settings on the elliptical trainer.
Little Caesars Introduces Bacon Crust Pizza #~# National pizza chain Little Caesars announced it will begin selling the “Bacon Wrapped Crust Deep! Deep! Dish” pizza on February 23, which costs $12 and contains 3.5 feet of bacon strips around the edges, topped with bacon bits and pepperoni. What do you think?
New Education Initiative Replaces K-12 Curriculum With Single Standardized Test #~# WASHINGTON—Citing the need to measure student achievement as its top priority, the U.S. Department of Education launched a new initiative Thursday to replace the nation’s entire K-12 curriculum with a single standardized test.
Report: Majority Of Mothers Would Drop Kids Off At Warehouse Called ‘Fun Zone’ For Hour Of Free Time, No Questions Asked #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—According to a study published Thursday by researchers at the University of Virginia, the majority of American mothers would be willing to drop off their small children at a warehouse with the words “Fun Zone” spray-painted on its side, no questions asked, in exchange for just one uninterrupted hour all to themselves. “Our extensive survey concluded that as long as the place has a couple of gym mats on the floor and one adult employee present, most mothers wouldn’t hesitate to leave their kids at an old industrial building they found by following a series of cardboard signs staked along the roadside that are marked with the words ‘This way to fun’ and crudely drawn directional arrows,” said researcher Christopher Anesko, noting that the study’s results hold true even in cases where a stick-figure giraffe or a clown has been hastily scrawled in black permanent marker next to the business’s name. “In addition, we found a full 30 percent of moms still wouldn’t think twice about it even if the building were windowless and identified only by a slightly deflated balloon tied to the door.” Anesko added that nearly all parents surveyed said they would gladly write their children’s names on a scrap of paper labeled “Adventure Camp Sign-Up” if it meant their kids would be somewhere else until 4 p.m. and would come home tired.
Man Illegally Streaming Game Fends Off Pop-Up Ads With Surgical Precision #~# JACKSON, MI—Navigating through a barrage of new windows and dialog boxes as he attempted to watch a game between the Detroit Red Wings and Chicago Blackhawks, sources confirmed Wednesday evening that local man Matt Spriggs successfully fought off pop-up ads on live streaming site Sideline2U.eu with finely tuned, surgical precision. Reportedly undeterred by the message at the bottom of his screen insisting that he install a JavaScript plug-in to continue, the 25-year-old carefully wielded his cursor with pinpoint accuracy while repeatedly locating and clicking the correct red “X” buttons amidst an onslaught of deceptive “Cancel” and “Close Window” options. According to sources, Spriggs was fully aware that a miscalculation by even a fraction of an inch would result in numerous other windows opening all over his screen, but nonetheless continued methodically shutting down ads for AdultFriendFinder.com and Mac cleaner software that had suddenly emerged behind his browser and begun loudly playing audio. At press time, after coming face-to-face with a buffering live video of Canal Plus Sports, Spriggs steeled himself, clicked a link for a different streaming option, and once again plunged fearlessly into the utter chaos that awaited him.
Report: Uber Adding ‘Panic Button’ For Chicago Passengers #~# According to a report in the Chicago Sun-Times, Uber is adding a “panic button” to its Chicago smartphone app that allows passengers to quickly alert police in the event they feel endangered by their driver. What do you think?
Mattel To Remake Barbie With More Diversity, Voice Box #~# Following years of declining sales, Mattel has announced it is releasing new Barbie dolls that feature more racial diversity, in addition to a “Hello Barbie” doll with the ability to talk. What do you think?
Inside The $125,000 Oscar Gift Bag #~# Though they all won’t be able to take home a coveted golden statue, this year’s Oscar nominees will still receive gift baskets worth $125,000. Here’s what’s inside:
Barbara Bush Reverses Stance On ‘Enough Bushes’ In White House #~# Former First Lady Barbara Bush recently said she has changed her mind about statements she made in 2013 in which she said that though she believes her son Jeb is the most qualified man for the White House, “There are a lot of great families, and it’s not just four families or whatever,” and that “We’ve had enough Bushes.” What do you think?
Tim Duncan Raving About Health Benefits Of Standing Bench #~# SAN ANTONIO—Explaining that it significantly reduces the risk of cardiovascular disease and promotes healthier metabolism, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly spent the majority of practice Wednesday extolling the numerous benefits of switching to a standing bench. “You can still watch the game, cheer for the team, and do everything else you normally do, but it’s so much healthier than sitting,” said Duncan, adding that players who use a traditional bench are far less productive while setting screens on the perimeter or getting down the floor during a fast break. “Sitting for 20 or 30 minutes every game really adds up over the season, and it could end up shortening your career by years. You’d be amazed at how much of a difference standing can even make to your general energy level, especially if you’re someone who tends to sit for long stretches of a half without ever getting up to sub in.” Duncan also urged head coach Gregg Popovich to always use a gel anti-fatigue mat, stressing the importance of providing sturdy, cushioned support for the feet and knees when drawing up plays during a timeout.
Police Release Haircut-Progressed Photo Of Missing Woman #~# SYCAMORE, TX—Utilizing state-of-the-art imaging tools in an effort to spark renewed interest in the eight-month-old case, officials from the Sycamore Police Department released a haircut-progressed photo Wednesday showing how local woman Kelly Mance’s hair would have changed in the time since she went missing. “We ask for the public’s help in circulating this image, which has been adjusted to show what we believe Ms. Mance’s haircut may look like today,” department spokesperson Jacob Frederickson told reporters, explaining how forensic specialists had manipulated the last known picture of Mance, who has not been seen since exiting her apartment building last June, to reveal how the missing woman would appear with longer bangs and a side part. “Given her personal style, previous cuts, and current trends, we’ve been able to estimate how Ms. Mance would most likely have altered her look to keep her hairstyle cute and up to date.” Frederickson added that, while authorities were hopeful this new image would allow them to find Mance and return her safely to her family, they were aware of the difficulties they’d encounter if at any point in the past few weeks she had added auburn highlights.
Guy Washing Hands For Full 5 Seconds Like He’s Going Into Surgery #~# CANTON, OH—In a display of strict sanitary protocol that sources say he must have learned back in medical school, local marketing assistant Jeremy Garton reportedly washed his hands for a full five seconds Wednesday as if he were moments away from rushing into surgery. “Looks like Mr. MD needs to scrub his hands real well if he’s going to keep everything nice and clean for his patient,” said coworker Robert Desrochers, who noted how Garton must be prepping for a complex medical procedure given how he insisted on fully wetting both hands and actually rubbing them together beneath the faucet. “He used a squirt of soap and everything. I guess he’s getting ready to put on his scrubs and head into the OR to perform a quadruple bypass.” At press time, Garton—the world-renowned open-heart surgeon himself—was drying his hands using a paper towel instead of just rubbing them on his jeans.
Archaeologists Uncover Greek Amphitheater Where First Prick Saved Seats #~# EPIDAURUS, GREECE—Confirming that the custom originated some 2,600 years ago, archaeologists from the University of Athens announced Wednesday the discovery of an ancient amphitheater where they believe the first inconsiderate prick reserved seats for friends who were running late. “While excavating the amphitheater, we found a length of linen fibers spread across multiple seats, suggesting that an ancient dickhead most likely arrived early and laid down his tunic to designate that the spaces beside him were taken,” said lead researcher Grigoris Halikias, noting that the blocked-off area was in a prime location in the center of the theater, obnoxiously leaving only one seat open on the end of the row so that not even a couple could sit there. “Based on what we’ve recovered from the site, it is our belief that this early fucker also had the nerve to shake his head and apologize profusely to those seeking to sit down, all the while consistently refusing to give up even a single seat as the amphitheater filled up around him and his friends remained nowhere in sight.” Halikias added that further research would be needed to determine if the ancient theater had also served as the location where a clumsy dumbass first clambered past others in his row, forcing them to stand up and make way so he could use the restroom moments after the performance began.
Met Museum Bans ‘Selfie Sticks’ #~# The Metropolitan Museum of Art has announced a new policy banning “selfie sticks,” camera extenders that allow users to take pictures of themselves next to artwork, on the grounds that users could invade other guests’ personal space or damage the art. What do you think?
Complete Fucking Idiot Considers Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov Russia’s Most Inventive Orchestrator #~# BOSTON—Making an utter fool of himself in front of company Monday night, local resident and complete fucking moron Tony Penneman actually voiced aloud his opinion that Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov is “the most inventive orchestrator in the history of Russian classical music,” sources reported. “The whole of Scheherazade alone—but particularly how the fourth movement stays at once coherent and brilliant—cements his status as Russia’s master of symphonic color,” the ignorant fuckwad actually said, flapping his gums as though anyone would give a flying shit about Rimsky-Korsakov had Alexander Glazunov’s music not caught the eye of their eventual patron, Mitrofan Belyayev. “Even his lesser works like The Snow Maiden or Vera Sheloga have so much to teach today’s composer-arrangers, who no doubt owe a deep debt of gratitude to Rimsky-Korsakov for his virtuosity.” At press time, sources were plugging their ears so as not to have to hear Penneman’s dumbass proclamation that Italian librettists don’t come finer than Giuseppe Giacosa.
How About We Go Outside And Settle This Like Emotionally Stunted Men? #~# Listen, buddy, you’ve been pissing me off all night. I don’t know who you think you are, but I’m getting sick of your shit. So enough talk. Let’s do this. Let’s go outside and settle this like emotionally stunted men.
Outgoing Obama Aide: My Biggest Failure Was Not Releasing Government UFO Files #~# After leaving his job as a White House senior counselor, Obama aide John Podesta said that his biggest failure on the job was not succeeding in efforts to make the federal government declassify its files on aliens and Area 51 and tell the nation exactly what it knows about extraterrestrials. What do you think?
New NFL Combine Drill Places Player Alone In Room With Woman #~# INDIANAPOLIS— Explaining that the new exercise will help teams more accurately and comprehensively assess draft prospects, NFL representatives confirmed Tuesday that the newest scouting combine drill simply places college players in a small room alone with a woman. “Beginning this year, we’ve begun testing players’ abilities by sitting them down at a table across from a woman between the ages of 20 and 30 years old,” said NFL spokesman Greg Aiello, adding that coaches and scouts carefully evaluate performances during the three-minute timed drill while seated behind a one-way mirror in the examination room. “So far, there haven’t been any real standouts, and we’ve actually had a number of guys who we’ve had to pull from the exercise after just 10 or 15 seconds. This is easily one of the most challenging tests of the week for these young athletes.” Reached for comment, several players privately told reporters that they have not spent any time preparing for the drill, as it is expected to have a very minimal effect on their draft stock.
Lucrative New Oil Extraction Method Involves Drilling Directly Into Gas Stations #~# IRVING, TX—Hailing it as a rapidly replenishable and easily accessible fuel source, ExxonMobil revealed a lucrative new oil extraction method Friday that involves drilling directly into gas stations. “We’ve found nearly unlimited reserves of highly refined petroleum mere meters beneath thousands of service stations across the country,” said ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson, noting that the company had already erected oil extraction rigs alongside pump islands in all 50 states. “As I speak, we’re yielding 3 million barrels per day just by boring through a few thin layers of asphalt, concrete, and metal. And, amazingly enough, the supply seems to somehow refill itself every week.” Tillerson went on to say that the company was exploring the possibility that there were still massive untapped sources of oil already in Americans’ cars, as well as in their homes.
Man’s Neuroses Really Putting Genuine Compliment Through The Wringer #~# SANTA CLARITA, CA—Instantly mobilizing in response to a coworker’s positive remark about his job performance, local marketing assistant Devin Brandt’s neuroses really put the genuine compliment he received through the wringer Monday, sources confirmed. “There had to be an ulterior motive hidden in there somewhere, right? Or maybe he was being sarcastic,” Brandt reportedly thought as three decades of neurotic impulses worked over the honest-to-goodness praise from every conceivable angle, quickly ripping it to shreds. “Oh, God, what if he complimented me out of pity? Maybe I’m doing such a bad job that he felt he had to say something nice just to make me feel better about myself.” Sources confirmed that while the compliment was forced to run the full gauntlet of Brandt’s neuroses, a tiny slight directed toward him later in the day was able to take root in his brain unhindered.
New Study Finds Therapy, Antidepressants Equally Effective At Monetizing Depression #~# NORMAN, OK—Noting that similar outcomes were achieved under both approaches, a landmark decade-long study of mental health treatment options published Tuesday has found that talk therapy and antidepressant medications are equally effective at monetizing clinical depression. “Our data indicate that regular counseling sessions and prescription drugs have similarly high success rates in generating large sums of money from the clinically depressed,” said Katherine Hutton of the University of Oklahoma, the study’s lead author, noting that both methods demonstrated consistent positive earnings across chronic, episodic, and seasonal depression cases. “While some people make tremendous profits with drugs, others see substantial revenues from therapy. Together, these are two very powerful tools for improving the health care industry’s bottom line.” The study concluded that when both approaches are combined, financial results are likely to be reached far more quickly than with one method alone.
Grandchild, Grandfather Equally Dreading Collaboration For School Interview Project #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Admitting separately that they couldn’t wait to get the ordeal over with, local sixth-grader Ethan Metcalfe and his grandfather Gerald Sonenberg expressed an equal level of dread to reporters Tuesday regarding their upcoming collaboration on Metcalfe’s middle school family tree project. “Boy, I really don’t want to do this—I always feel so uncomfortable whenever I’m around him,” said Metcalfe, echoing the exact statements of his grandfather, who like the 11-year-old has spent the past two weeks racking his brain for any excuse to avoid the drawn-out question-and-answer session. “There’s really no getting around it, though. I guess I’ll just try to sit down and plow through it as quickly as possible.” At press time, sources confirmed that Metcalfe could be seen writing down his grandfather’s short, one-word answers to each question before immediately moving on to the next one.
Features Of The Apple Car #~# After dominating sales of smartphones, tablets, and other electronics, Apple is reportedly secretly designing its first car, code-named Titan. Here are some features of Apple’s rumored car:
Study: Dogs Can Read Happy, Angry Faces #~# Animal behavioral specialists have found evidence that dogs can read expressions in humans and can distinguish between happy and angry faces. What do you think?
Local Teen Would Choose Gun With Night Vision Laser Scope If He Joined Army #~# ALLENTOWN, PA—Explaining how it would allow him to hunt terrorists from long distances in a variety of combat environments, local teen Alex Gibson informed reporters Monday that he would likely choose a gun with a night vision laser scope if he enlisted in the United States Army. “I used to think I’d want dual Uzis, but now I’m pretty sure I’d put that scope on an armor-piercing automatic rifle,” said the 15-year-old, adding that he would prefer his weapon also be fitted with a silencer and painted matte black to maximize his stealth during the special ops raids he elected to join. “It’s a good weapon for when I’m the demolition guy, but just in case I needed to snipe someone, I’d also want a backup .50-cal gun with an extra-long zoom lens. And obviously I thought about having a grenade launcher too, except in close quarters combat I’d much rather have a Glock with a customized grip.” Gibson added that he would also probably go through helicopter pilot training just in case he ever wants to fly an Apache during a mission.
Otherwise Reasonable Man Sincerely Believes U.S. Landed On Moon #~# CLOVIS, NM—Describing him as a normal, well-adjusted individual in nearly every respect, acquaintances of 32-year-old Gary Morgan confirmed Monday that the otherwise reasonable man earnestly believes the U.S. government landed a spacecraft on the moon. “Gary’s a pretty regular, levelheaded guy unless he gets going on one of his ridiculous rants about how American astronauts actually walked on the moon back in 1969,” said friend Jeremy Lesser, adding that you would never guess by looking at Morgan that he’s absolutely convinced NASA successfully sent six different crews on lunar missions. “Honestly, I’ve found it’s best just to avoid the topic of space exploration altogether when we hang out. I’ve come to realize that no matter what I say, I’m never going to change his mind about the Apollo program. And I’d rather talk to him about anything else than hear him go off about astronauts exploring the lunar surface and bringing samples back to Earth again.” At press time, Lesser was reportedly biting his tongue as Morgan explained the existence of several American flags allegedly planted on the moon.
Missed H.O.R.S.E. Shots Getting Increasingly Ambitious #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Despite over 10 minutes passing since either player had successfully made a basket, sources at a local public basketball court confirmed Monday that the missed shots of two young men playing H.O.R.S.E. are growing increasingly bold and ambitious. Early reports indicated that even after missing multiple three-pointers from shorter distances, the players continued stepping further back on the court, and spent four consecutive turns launching half-court shots that all bounced off the backboard without even touching the rim. The two individuals have also reportedly called out “Swish!” prior to a number of their shots, including one instance when trying to hit a one-handed turnaround fadeaway from the baseline and another before a behind-the-back shot at the top of the key, both of which resulted in air balls. At press time, one of the players had confidently walked behind the basket for an utterly futile attempt at shooting the ball over the backboard.
Officials Urge Americans To Sort Plastics, Glass Into Separate Oceans #~# WASHINGTON—Calling it an important but often overlooked step of the process, Environmental Protection Agency officials issued a statement Friday once again advising Americans to sort their plastics and glass materials into separate oceans. “We would like to remind Americans that clear, brown, and green glass should be placed in the Atlantic Ocean, and plastics classified as 1, 2, 4, 6, and 7 belong in the Pacific,” said EPA spokesman Daniel Gray, adding that individuals should properly rinse out all containers before depositing them off the appropriate coastline. “Also, lakes and rivers are reserved strictly for paper products. We simply ask that cardboard be flattened before it is left in any one of the thousands of designated freshwater bodies across the country.” Gray also stressed that Americans should only place old computers, televisions, mobile phones, and other unwanted electronics in forests on their assigned day of the week.
Facebook Lets User Choose Who Controls Their Account After Death #~# Facebook has announced that rather than “memorialize” the accounts of Facebook users who die, which doesn’t allow others to edit or manage the page, the social network will now permit users to designate a “legacy contact” who will have the ability to change aspects of the deceased’s profile. What do you think?
Disney Rebooting ‘Indiana Jones’: What To Look Forward To #~# Disney Studios is rumored to be rebooting the Indiana Jones franchise, which it acquired along with Star Wars when it merged with Lucasfilm in 2012. Here’s what viewers can expect to see in the Disney-produced reboot:
Corporation Surprised To See Its Tax Money Circle Back Around To It So Soon #~# MINNETONKA, MN—Saying he’d been expecting the multinational corporation to have to wait a little while longer, David MacLennan, the CEO of U.S.-based agribusiness Cargill, told reporters Friday he was surprised how quickly the money it had just paid out in corporate taxes had circled back around to the company. “Boy, that was fast; by the time we entered our tax expenses onto our balance sheet, we’d already got it all back in government grants and subsidies,” said MacLennan, noting how tax breaks in the Farm Bill and several new lobbyist-advanced earmarks had funneled the corporation’s federal and state tax outlays back into its cash holdings in record time. “Obviously, I knew we’d be getting the money back, but I didn’t think it would be this immediate. We didn’t even have time to notice it was gone.” Despite the unusually quick turnaround, MacLennan stated that the process was otherwise normal, with the company receiving several million more dollars from the government than it had paid in the first place.
Being On Volleyball Team Accounts For 97% Of High School Sophomore’s Identity #~# VERONA, WI—Saying that there appears to be little else influencing her personality, sources close to Verona Area High School sophomore Angie Seldon confirmed Friday that 97 percent of the 16-year-old’s identity revolves around being a member of the school’s volleyball team. “It’s hard to describe Angie without bringing up volleyball—pretty much everything she says or does has something to do with playing for the varsity squad,” classmate Peter Berry told reporters, adding that when Seldon isn’t spending her weeknights playing in a volleyball match, she’s usually going to a team pasta dinner night held after practice. “All the clothes she wears usually have a volleyball logo on them or are from some tournament she played in, and I’m pretty sure the only music she listens to is from the playlist their team captains make before every big game. Honestly, if it weren’t for volleyball, I couldn’t even begin to tell you who she is as a person.” Berry went on to say that the remaining 3 percent of Seldon’s personality was clearly defined by her parents’ overbearing, unrealistic expectations of academic and athletic perfection from their daughter.
Brian Williams Retreats To Mountainside Hut To Meditate On Fickle Nature Of Truth #~# NGARI, TIBET—In the wake of his six-month suspension for false claims of riding in a U.S. military helicopter downed by Iraqi rocket fire, sources confirmed Friday that NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams has ventured to a small hut in the remote Gangdisê Mountains in order to quietly meditate on the fickle nature of truth. “Truth itself is in many ways the one universal constant—that which indisputably conforms to reality. But the question remains: Can we as humans understand this concept, or are we forever thwarted by our own individual understanding of the world?” a bearded and unkempt Williams said, gently sipping plum flower tea and staring intently at a creek flowing between two distant snowcapped mountains. “Is truth absolute? Is reality absolute? Or are these concepts majestic castles we construct for ourselves and in which we alone may reside? Perhaps the only truth is that we do not know what is illusion and what is not.” At press time, after claiming to have “found [his] own truth in nature,” Williams had reportedly decided to remain in the mountains for the rest of his life and promptly submitted his resignation to NBC.
Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in drugstores nationwide. “This fast-acting projectile medicine combines the proven effectiveness of Benadryl with the deep-penetrating power of needle-sharp tungsten,” said company representative Charles Resnick, demonstrating to reporters how a discreet individual can crouch behind a sofa or other makeshift blind, wait for an allergy sufferer to pass by, and then fire the antihistamine-tipped dart at the afflicted person’s shoulder, neck, or thigh. “Benadryl Pierce provides your unsuspecting family members with much-needed symptom relief from distances of up to 30 yards. And unlike crossbow-launched Zyrtec, it’s available without a prescription.” Resnick added that Benadryl Pierce is also available in children’s and infant-size darts.
Man Basks In Triumphant Glory After Purchases Line Up To Exact Value Of Gift Card #~# CANTON, MI—Upon being informed by the cashier that his assortment of purchases totaled $49.56, local man Josh Molina triumphantly basked Thursday in the glory of using up nearly the exact value of his $50 Target gift card. “Wow, I thought maybe that Twix bar would nudge me over the limit, but it worked out perfectly, just perfectly,” said Molina, exulting in victory after spending 20 minutes carefully gathering a group of items that would approach $50 and that would then edge even closer to that amount once tax was factored in. “I figured the coffee machine would use up the bulk of my card, and then when I saw some socks I like on sale for $7.99, I just knew the numbers were going to line up. This is beyond amazing.” At press time, Molina had reinserted the now-44-cent gift card into his wallet, where it would remain indefinitely.
Study: Settling For Adequate Partner Better Than Waiting For Soulmate #~# According to researchers who studied the risk-taking behavior of early humans, people are better off, from an evolutionary standpoint, settling for a mate who’s available but maybe not the most ideal choice instead of waiting for a superior partner to come along. What do you think?
Day Chalked Up As Loss By 10:15 A.M. #~# HARTFORD, CT—Admitting that he was unlikely to accomplish anything despite giving his best effort, local claims adjuster David Furman told reporters Thursday that he had effectively chalked up the day as a loss by 10:15 this morning. “I took a decent crack at it, but ultimately I’m gonna have to write today off,” said Furman, who reportedly started losing hope for the day approximately 45 minutes after arriving at work. “I did all I could to get some momentum going, but after 15 minutes of answering emails at my desk I just knew this day was beyond salvaging. Oh, well, there’s always tomorrow. I’ve done all I can.” Furman confirmed that he wasn’t overly discouraged, however, as he had already chalked up the entire week as a loss by Tuesday afternoon.
Montana Lawmaker Proposes Banning Yoga Pants #~# Republican representative David Moore introduced a new bill in the Montana legislature this week that would expand the state’s indecent exposure laws to include tight-fitting clothes, saying he believes “Yoga pants should be illegal in public,” an idea lawmakers quickly voted down. What do you think?
Hit-And-Run Driver Kills Prominent Member Of Deer Community #~# SAINT ALBANS, VT—Describing it as a terrible tragedy that has sent shockwaves throughout the region, sources confirmed Thursday that a hit-and-run driver struck and killed a prominent member of the local deer community.
Man’s Food Poisoning Could Realistically Be Traced Back To Any Meal From Past Week #~# NEW YORK—Determining that not one of his recent food selections was entirely above suspicion, local man Kevin Curhan said Thursday that his food poisoning could realistically be pinned on any meal from the past week. “I had that leftover burrito for lunch yesterday, and that’d been sitting around in the fridge for a pretty long time, but then again, the milk I had that morning was also kinda off,” said Curhan, adding that the food from the $4.99 Chinese buffet and the fried eggs he realized were undercooked but went ahead and ate anyway could also be responsible for the overpowering nausea he was currently experiencing. “Then there were those turkey cold cuts I had Tuesday that were a couple of days expired. Those have to be at least part of it, don’t they? There’s probably a few other things I’m not thinking of, too.” At press time, Curhan was comfortable removing only a bowl of plain oatmeal consumed last Saturday from his list of possible culprits.
Report: Anti-Vaxxer Parents Considering Throwing ‘Measles Parties’ #~# Local media in California have reported that some anti-vaxxer parents are considering throwing “measles parties” at which unvaccinated children can come in contact with infected children in order to contract the disease and build up a natural immunity. What do you think?
Florida Resort Allows Guests To Swim With Miami Dolphins #~# MIAMI—Describing it as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get up close to the majestic mammals, visitors to Paradise Cove Resort raved to reporters Thursday about the hotel’s new program that allows guests to swim with the Miami Dolphins. “I couldn’t believe how friendly they were—as soon as they saw us, this great big one just came right up to our daughter,” said resort guest Emily Hendrickson, calling the hour she and her family spent splashing and playing alongside the Dolphins’ defensive line the “highlight of [their] trip.” “I couldn’t believe how smooth Ryan Tannehill was. And then there was this smaller one that really took a liking to me—he must have been a kicker. It was an amazing experience.” Hendrickson later admitted that her family was disappointed they didn’t get a chance to swim with center Mike Pouncey, who was in a solitary tank at the time of their visit for biting a child.
Mom Reports That Hometown Actually Has A Lot Going On Now #~# LYNCHBURG, VA—Noting the addition of some nice new shops and restaurants downtown, local mom Erica Dodson, 52, confirmed during a phone call with her daughter Ashlee today that their hometown actually has a lot going on now. “There’s a funky little place that sells fancy olive oil and vinegar, and a wood oven pizzeria where Casey’s used to be,” said Dodson, who reportedly revealed to her 25-year-old daughter how she read in the paper that Riverside Park would feature free concerts every Thursday during the summer. “You’d be surprised. The farmers market has gotten really big, too, and Mamma Mia! is coming to the performing arts center.” Dodson then reportedly finished the conversation by suggesting that her daughter come home when she has some time and check out the new art gallery in town that has hand-blown glass.
Brian Williams Suspended For 6 Months Without Pay #~# NBC has suspended Nightly News anchor Brian Williams from the news desk for six months as the network conducts an internal investigation into the accuracy of his reporting on Iraq in 2003, in which he claimed to have come under fire in a helicopter, and on other stories. What do you think?
Gay Marriage State By State #~# The Supreme Court ruled this week that gay couples in Alabama will be allowed to marry in the months leading up to its ruling on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage, while other states continue to uphold bans. Here is how same-sex marriage currently stands in different states:
Man Must Be Living With Roommates By Choice At This Point #~# MILWAUKEE—Noting that his income level does not necessitate sharing a single kitchen and bathroom with two other grown men, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 32-year-old Josh Redmayne must be living with roommates completely by choice at this point. “Josh has a decent job, so he could definitely afford his own place if he wanted, but I guess he’s okay with regularly waiting to watch the TV or take a shower,” said friend Nick Baker, speculating that Redmayne evidently prefers to rotate weekly chores and provide the apartment’s other occupants with advance notice of out-of-town visitors. “When his previous roommates moved out, he actually went on Craigslist and found new ones even though he could probably handle paying the entire rent himself. He doesn’t seem too upset, either, so clearly there’s something about having assigned shelves in the refrigerator that appeals to him.” Sources confirmed that Redmayne must also have some affinity for his childhood dresser, which he could easily have replaced years ago.
Last Line Of Obama’s Military Force Request Briefly Mentions Possibility Of 25-Year Quagmire #~# WASHINGTON—Following pages of subsections that would officially authorize continued airstrikes, rescue operations, and the deployment of U.S. Special Forces in the fight against ISIS, the final line of the military force proposal that President Obama delivered to Congress Wednesday is said to briefly mention the possibility of a 25-year-long quagmire. “There is also a chance that we may become embroiled in a geopolitical nightmare until 2040,” reads the last sentence of the draft, immediately beneath a clause repealing the 2002 Authorization for Use of Military Force Against Iraq and a stipulation that Obama regularly provide Congress with updated reports on the offensive. “And the cost of such an entanglement could amount to several trillion dollars and tens of thousands of lives, too.” Legal scholars noted that the proposal’s language intentionally leaves the door open for a future president to extend the authorization by one or more generations as necessary.
Scientists Working To Harness Energy Produced By Intense Fracking Debates #~# AUSTIN, TX—Hailing it as a promising potential fuel source with vast untapped reserves, researchers at the University of Texas revealed Wednesday that they are attempting to harness the abundant energy produced by the nation’s intense fracking debates. “We’ve been working tirelessly to develop a means of converting highly charged arguments from both advocates and opponents of fracking into a clean and efficient source of power,” said lead researcher Luke Hutchcroft, who noted that the combustible exchanges regarding the economic benefits of hydraulic fracturing and its environmental consequences are particularly prevalent in dispute-rich states such as New York, Colorado, and Pennsylvania. “While there are certainly significant outside factors to consider, including whether this energy supply is as inexhaustible as it appears to be, we may yet avert a climate catastrophe by learning to utilize the explosive force of this extremely potent controversy.” Hutchcroft added that the fuel source’s potential was rivaled only by the raw power that may one day be extracted from scientists’ urgent recommendations to adopt renewable energies.
eBay Shopper Struggling To Narrow Down Vast Selection Of Available Super Bowl Rings #~# MCALESTER, OK—Saying that he was having difficulty selecting just one item among all the available options up for bidding, local 34-year-old Carl Aldrich expressed his frustration Wednesday while attempting to narrow down the vast selection of Super Bowl rings currently listed on eBay. “I only want to buy one, but there are just so many to choose from,” Aldrich told reporters, noting that he was deciding between making an opening bid on various championship rings from the 1980 Oakland Raiders and the 1991 Washington Redskins, as well as more than two dozen from the 1972 Miami Dolphins. “It looks like there are a bunch available from the first Super Bowl—I don’t have any of those yet. And I guess I could always buy this one that DSharper42 is selling, but I’ve got so many from the ’09 Saints already.” At press time, Aldrich had decided to just bid for two separate Super Bowl rings from the 1985 Chicago Bears, as he could likely win both auctions while still remaining under his budget of $500.
Labor Secretary Horrified To Learn Some Americans Working Jobs They Do Not Truly Enjoy #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he fears the number may be in the thousands or possibly even millions, U.S. Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez announced at a press conference Wednesday that he was horrified to learn some Americans are currently working jobs they do not truly enjoy. “It has recently come to my attention that there are people in this very country who are not intensely passionate about what they do for a living,” said a visibly alarmed Perez, adding that he was both shocked and distressed to learn that there are individuals in nearly every economic sector whose job is not a source of immense satisfaction and who do not feel deeply privileged to have it. “As incredibly unsettling as this sounds, many of these folks will spend years, sometimes their entire career, simply going through the motions, rarely experiencing a sense of profound fulfillment after a day’s work. I cannot imagine earning a paycheck doing something other than what makes me happiest in life, but evidently that is the case for some truly unfortunate people out there.” Perez went on to say he was equally disturbed to discover that many Americans are compensated with wages that do not cover the cost of the lifestyle they always dreamed of.
Astronomers Discover New Planet That Really Makes Earth Look Like Shit #~# WASHINGTON—Calling it an unprecedented finding that fundamentally reshapes how humankind views its place in the universe, astronomers from NASA announced Wednesday the discovery of a planet that makes Earth look like absolute shit.
Japan To Open World’s First Robot-Run Hotel #~# A theme park in Nagasaki is set to open the world’s first hotel run in large part by “actroids,” lifelike robots resembling young Japanese women that can speak in four languages, which will be used to staff the reception desk, carry luggage, and make coffee. What do you think?
Qdoba Offering Free-Burrito-For-A-Kiss Promotion On Valentine’s Day #~# Qdoba Mexican Grill is offering a Valentine’s Day promotion called Smothered in Smooch, in which customers who order a sauce-smothered burrito can kiss someone and get a second burrito for free. What do you think?
Man Surprised To Learn High School Classmate Became Completely Different Type Of Fuckup #~# TACOMA, WA—Saying it was hard to fathom how much his old acquaintance had changed over the years, 35-year-old Paul Tooley was reportedly surprised to learn Tuesday that his former classmate Chris Woodward had become a completely different type of fuckup than he was in high school. “I always thought Chris was going to be one of your average burnouts who would never leave our hometown, but it turns out he actually started his own lawn-care business that he ended up running straight into the ground a few years back and now he’s in massive debt—I could hardly believe it,” said Tooley, admitting his initial shock at discovering the apathetic stoner from high school had developed into a totally unexpected type of failure. “Back in school, he was always kind of a loner and he never seemed like a guy you’d expect to have a family—certainly not divorced twice like he is now. I guess I just sort of thought he’d develop a drug addiction or spend some time in jail, not be drowning in bills and estranged from his kids.” When reached for comment, Woodward told reporters he was not surprised to hear Tooley was still the same old judgmental asshole he’d always been.
Report: Charles Manson’s Fiancée Was Using Him For Corpse #~# According to a journalist who spoke to the New York Post, Charles Manson’s fiancée Afton “Star” Burton only planned to marry him as part of a scheme to get possession of his corpse after his death and put it on display for profit, but Manson was dismissive of the plot when he found out because he believes that he’s immortal. What do you think?
Dubai Unveils Plans For World’s Largest Human Rights Violation #~# DUBAI—Calling it the most ambitious project of its kind ever undertaken, officials from Dubai’s Department of Economic Development announced Tuesday the emirate’s plans to construct the world’s largest human rights violation.
Literary Study Finds All Modern Narratives Derived From Classic ‘Alien Vs. Predator’ Conflict #~# OXFORD, ENGLAND—Explaining how the timeless clash between the two sides remains among the most elemental forms of storytelling worldwide, a study published Tuesday by researchers at Oxford University has concluded that virtually all modern narratives are re-expressions of the classic Alien Vs. Predator conflict. “The Epic Of Gilgamesh, Paradise Lost, The Old Man And The Sea—each is simply a different culture’s exploration of the ageless, universally relatable struggle between Alien and Predator,” said study co-author Dr. Gavin Horsley, who noted he has yet to encounter a civilization whose most prized written works and oral traditions did not derive from the prototypical confrontation between the savage Xenomorphs and their technologically advanced, extraterrestrial humanoid adversaries. “Even when the conflict is internal, such as that of the titular character in Shakespeare’s Hamlet, it’s one’s internal Alien versus one’s internal Predator—an extension of the classic AvP ur-myth that underpins every fictive struggle.” Horsley went on to cite Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem as “a narrative Rosetta Stone” to deciphering any other sequel in the Eastern or Western canon.
25-Year-Old Goes On Raucous Immunization Binge On Night Before Losing Parents' Health Insurance #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—Saying he wanted to “go all out” while he still could, area man Evan Hurst reportedly spent the night before his 26th birthday going on a wild immunization binge, sources confirmed Monday. “It’s my last night as an insured man—bring on the rubella and meningococcal shots and keep ’em coming!” said Hurst, adding that he intended to stay out all night in search of the best attenuated and biosynthetic vaccines in town. “After today, there’s no telling when I’ll be in the position to visit a doctor and check how many more doses of Hib or DTaP I need. I just don’t want to look back on this night and regret not getting as much varicella immunity as I could.” At press time, an exhausted and dazed Hurst could be seen recovering from the previous night’s bender, reeking of alcohol swabs and wondering where the bandage on his shoulder came from.
Area Woman Not Good Enough Artist To Justify Eccentricities #~# SANTA FE, NM—Admitting they could understand such oddball behavior from someone with an amazing creative vision, sources close to area painter Dina Paulson told reporters Tuesday that the 34-year-old woman is not nearly a good enough artist to justify her eccentricities. “Dina’s work is okay, but she clearly doesn’t have the talent to pepper her vocabulary with pretentious French phrases that nobody understands,” said acquaintance Allison McCarthy, adding that Paulson also insists on speaking in an obnoxious singsong lilt despite the fact that the self-styled bohemian struggles to secure group shows or sell any of her canvases. “Maybe if she had a firm grasp of light, or color, or perspective, I could overlook her choice to wear that yellow polyester raincoat everywhere. But right now, it’s just annoying when we’re out somewhere and she’ll suddenly launch into some weird chant she calls her ‘Grecian Jug Song’ or spend the entire time photographing her hands.” McCarthy further commented that the artist’s greatest talent probably lies in being exhausting and hard to be around.
You Will Be My Everything #~# Tonight will be like no other. Tonight, Smoove welcomes you into his penthouse. This is a place you have been before, but those nights have been for seduction and romance. Tonight is different. Tonight is about love.
Conspiracy Theorist Starting To Think Racism May Be Institutionalized In America #~# LYNN, MA—Explaining that it’s highly suspicious for such prejudice to be present in every aspect of society by mere coincidence, local 31-year-old Peter Dowling, an avid conspiracy theorist, told reporters Thursday that he is beginning to believe racism may be institutionalized in the United States. “Look at the facts: We live in a country where systemic discrimination exists just under the surface everywhere you look, even in government policies—do you think that’s some sort of accident?” said the delusional man, who went on to pinpoint instances of what he called "the coordinated marginalization of minorities" across the nation’s education, economic, and political systems and insist that these injustices have been “brushed under the rug” for generations. “Just think about it for a second: Minority workers are underrepresented in most professional fields, high school graduation rates just happen to disproportionately favor white students, and if all that doesn’t make you think twice, then how about the fact that black men are nearly six times more likely to be incarcerated in their lifetime than their white counterparts? I’m telling you, it’s all pretty much hidden in plain sight. No one up at the top wants this getting out.” Dowling added that it wouldn’t take much to convince him that Barack Obama’s presidency served to help cover up such widespread prejudice and make it appear nonexistent.
Man Would Rather Annoy Small Group Of Friends Than Bunch Of Strangers At Party #~# PHILADELPHIA—Affirming his distaste for larger social gatherings, local man Pete Trobeman told reporters last weekend he prefers evenings spent annoying a handful of close friends to irritating groups of strangers at parties. “The idea of picking up a six-pack and bothering the hell out of a few buddies for the night is far more appealing to me than, say, going to some random apartment and forcing myself to grate on the nerves of a bunch of people I don’t even know,” said Trobeman, 27, confirming he is most comfortable in settings where everyone already knows how unbearably obnoxious he is. “The way I see it, why should I meet all these new people and then go around monopolizing their conversations, insulting their personal interests, and making snide comments about the music playing when I could be doing the exact same thing with my usual group of friends?” Trobeman added that if given the choice, he usually prefers to stay at home and have a quiet night pissing off his roommate.
Gay Alabama Couple Always Dreamed Of Getting Married Surrounded By Hostility #~# MOBILE, AL—Saying the memories they made today would last the rest of their lives, gay couple Jeremy Newell and Aaron Mitchum of Mobile, AL confirmed Monday that they had always dreamed of getting married surrounded by hostility. “Everyone has big expectations about their wedding day, but never in a million years could I have imagined the tremendous outpouring of anger and contempt that we received from everyone who turned out,” said Newell, adding that as the newly married same-sex couple exited the courthouse they were overwhelmed with emotion upon seeing so many familiar, spiteful faces. “It was just unbelievable that our commitment to each other brought so many people together to share their hate with us. I even got a little teary-eyed when I looked out at the crowd shouting homophobic slurs and expressing their wishes for us to burn in hell. I’ll never forget that.” At press time, the happy couple were driving away from the courthouse in their decorated wedding car at top speed.
Beck Wikipedia Page ‘Hacked’ After He Beats Beyoncé At Grammys #~# After he received the Grammy Award for Album of the Year over Beyoncé, the Wikipedia page of singer Beck Hansen was reportedly “hacked” by angry internet users who wrote that he was the “stealer” of the award from “Beyoncé Knowles, Queen of the World.” What do you think?
How Powerball Works #~# With no winner from the previous drawing, the jackpot for Wednesday’s Powerball lottery is expected to surpass $450 million, as gamblers around the nation buy more tickets in hopes of drawing the lucky numbers. Here’s what aspiring Powerball winners should know about the drawing:
Wave Of Dread Makes Rare Daytime Appearance #~# KETTERING, OH—Caught totally off-guard by the sudden onset of unease, local woman Mary Inglewood confirmed to reporters Monday that her usual wave of dread had made an extremely rare daytime visit. “It’s only two o’clock in the afternoon—I’m not supposed to feel this gripped with anxiety for another 12 hours or so,” said the 37-year-old account executive, adding that ordinarily she is lying awake in bed, halfway through a sleepless night, when the crippling shudder of existential despair passes through her. “I mean, I just got back from lunch, and here I am completely panicked about what I’m doing with my life and whether I’ve made all the wrong choices. It’s so weird agonizing over whether I’m a terrible daughter when the sun’s still out and I still have two meetings to go to.” At press time, Inglewood had decided to just tough it out and hope her daily freak-out resumed its regular schedule tomorrow.
Man’s Ironclad Grasp Of Issue Can Withstand 2 Follow-Up Questions #~# DEL CITY, OK—Stunned by his immense breadth of knowledge and quiet confidence while discussing the issue, friends of local man Eric Bridges told reporters Monday the 28-year-old’s ironclad understanding of gas prices was able to withstand a barrage of not just one, but two follow-up questions. “After Eric mentioned something about how the price of gas is starting to rise again, I asked him if it’ll keep going up, and then our friend Luke asked him a completely different question about why it’s cheaper in certain places, and he was able to answer both just like that,” said friend Alex Tischer, who reportedly marveled as Bridges gave an all-knowing, 15-second description of what OPEC is and does. “He didn’t even pause to think; as soon as we finished asking, he jumped right in with a response. I’m telling you, the guy really knows his stuff.” At press time, Bridges reportedly blew the group’s mind by asking if they wanted to know anything else.
Study: Singles Who Use Emojis Have More Sex #~# According to an annual survey conducted by Match.com, people who use emojis were found to have sex more often than those who don’t. What do you think?
Teen Crafting Marketable Persona In Garage Hoping To One Day Win Grammy #~# MODESTO, CA—Saying he is willing to do all the hard work necessary to succeed in the music business, local teenager and aspiring recording artist Morgan Reyes told reporters Sunday that he is in his garage every day crafting a widely marketable persona in hopes of one day winning a Grammy Award. “It’s always been my dream to win a Grammy, and I know that if I just put in the hours and tailor myself into a charismatic pop star with broad cross-market allure, I can make it happen,” said Reyes, 16, adding that the time he spends in the garage both after school and on weekends is the sacrifice required to develop a personality as magnetic, yet approachable, as all his musical heroes. “It’s a ton of work, and some days I’m not sure I have what it takes to be both non-threatening enough for the teen demographic and also down-to-earth enough to appeal to slightly older mainstream listeners. But it’s all going to pay off when the obsessively studied character I’m presenting to the public as myself is holding up that Best New Artist trophy.” Reyes went on to say that he has known he wanted to be a musician ever since his parents paid a veteran Los Angeles producer to write his first song for him.
Local Los Angeles Awards Show Slated To Open For Grammys #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling it a great opportunity for viewers to see some lesser-known talent, event organizers confirmed this week that local Los Angeles-area awards show the SoCal Music Honors will open for the Grammys Sunday night. “With their high-energy celebration of performers in the greater Los Angeles County area, the SoCal Music Honors are expected to kick off the night with a lively show hosted by some real rising stars in the music-awards scene,” said David Fricke of Rolling Stone, adding that the recently formed event will have a tight 40-minute window to perform their show before roadies wheel away their equipment from the main stage and begin setting up for the Grammys. “Obviously, most of the audience will be here for the Grammys and probably won’t arrive until the tail end of the SoCals, but this will still be an incredible chance for these up-and-coming hosts and presenters to gain national exposure. Who knows, one day we might even see some of these same guys handing out trophies at the Grammys, or even the Billboards.” Fricke noted that the SoCals were actually a last-minute replacement after the awards show originally signed to open, the Santa Monica Indies, abruptly disbanded.
Harvard Bans Professors From Having Sex With Students #~# Harvard University recently revised its conduct policy to include a formal ban on sexual relationships between students and professors, which were “discouraged” before but not explicitly prohibited. What do you think?
Resilient Tom Brady Critics Already Looking Ahead To Next Season #~# WASHINGTON—After the veteran New England Patriots quarterback secured his record-tying fourth Super Bowl championship and third Super Bowl MVP, scores of Tom Brady’s harshest critics across the nation announced Friday that they are already eagerly looking ahead to next season. “It was a disappointing end to the year, but it’s over now, so it’s time to start laying down next season’s groundwork for why Brady ultimately doesn’t belong in the conversation of the all-time best NFL quarterbacks,” said Pennington, NJ resident Isaac Reynolds, who, along with millions of other tireless Brady detractors, has already turned his attention toward the coming six months of building arguments as to why the Spygate and Deflategate controversies tarnish all of the 37-year-old’s accomplishments. “It’s critical to stay motivated throughout the offseason and focus on any potential weaknesses in Brady’s career, like the fact that Joe Montana’s perfect 4-0 record in Super Bowls clearly means he’s the more clutch player. The important thing to remember is that it’s easy to get complacent—especially after doing this for so long—but you always need to be ready for Brady’s next run of two or three bad games, otherwise you’ll miss an opportunity to argue that he’s too old and should just retire already.” Brady’s critics also reportedly committed to offering up nothing but arduous praise for Peyton Manning in the future, noting that the Denver Broncos quarterback would have undoubtedly won more Super Bowls than Brady if he’d just had better coaches throughout his career.
Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack #~# Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age. Here is a timeline of RadioShack’s decline:
Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back #~# ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to help working individuals improve their fitness and well-being, experts at the Mayo Clinic issued a new set of health guidelines Thursday recommending that Americans stand up at their desk, leave their office, and never return. “Many Americans spend a minimum of eight hours per day sitting in an office, but we observed significant physical and mental health benefits in subjects after just one instance of standing up, walking out the door, and never coming back to their place of work again,” said researcher Claudine Sparks, who explained that those who implemented the practice in their lives reported an improvement in mood and reduced stress that lasted for the remainder of the day, and which appeared to persist even into subsequent weeks. “We encourage Americans to experiment with stretching their legs by strolling across their office and leaving all their responsibilities behind forever just one time to see how much better they feel. People tend to become more productive, motivated, and happy almost immediately. We found that you can also really get the blood flowing by pairing this activity with hurling your staff ID across the parking lot.” Sparks added that Americans could maximize positive effects by using their lunch break to walk until nothing looks familiar anymore and your old life is a distant memory.
Report: Mom Has Plan For Tub Of Whipped Cream In Fridge #~# Don’t Eat It
Mathematical Skill Downplayed To Get Out Of Splitting Check #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Fearing that he would otherwise be stuck sorting through his friends’ wad of bills and credit cards, sources confirmed Thursday night that local man Derek Mixon downplayed his mathematical abilities to avoid the task of calculating how to split that evening’s dinner check. “Oh, I’ve never been good at this stuff,” said the college graduate, who, despite reportedly having a firm understanding of the basic principles of arithmetic, suggested to those around him that he was unqualified to factor in tax and tip and tabulate what each individual needed to contribute to the bill. “Somebody else should do it. I don’t want to mess it up.” Sources confirmed that, after being told how much he owed, Mixon abandoned the facade of mathematical incompetence and reminded everyone at the table that he should pay $4 less as he did not eat any of the appetizers.
Man Who Will Pay $60,000 In Medical Bills This Year Can't Afford Health Insurance Right Now #~# PEORIA, IL—Explaining that he has a number of other priorities at the moment, local 26-year-old Nathan Hanson, a man who will owe over $60,000 in medical bills in the latter half of this year, told reporters Monday that he just can’t afford to purchase health insurance right now. “I’m hardly ever sick, plus there’s a walk-in clinic a few miles from my apartment if I ever get the flu or anything, so it's not like I need to get covered now,” said the man who, after an unforeseeable accident sends him to the emergency room and results in extensive musculoskeletal rehabilitation therapy, will owe more than twice his annual income in hospital bills that he will struggle to pay off far into the future. “Honestly, my rent is already high enough, and I never really used my health insurance when I did have it. I just don’t think I can take on another regular expense.” The man who will also go on to incur lifetime costs in the hundreds of thousands of dollars to treat coronary heart disease and type II diabetes added that he just couldn't find any time in his schedule to get any exercise either.
Superman Gets New Power, ‘Solar Flare’ #~# In the climactic issue of the Superman comic storyline “Men Of Tomorrow,” Superman discovers that he has a new power called solar flare, which allows him to expel all the energy in his cells to create a powerful blast, but afterwards he loses all his energy and becomes human for 24 hours. What do you think?
Airlines Offering Complimentary In-Flight College Courses #~# In addition to movies, TV shows, and other in-flight entertainment, JetBlue and Virgin America have begun offering passengers complimentary streaming video lectures from classes at top universities. What do you think?
Delivery Room Nurse Tired Of Taking Shit From Richard Sherman #~# SEATTLE—After successfully delivering the newborn baby of Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman and his girlfriend Ashley Moss Thursday morning, Northwest Hospital and Medical Center nurse Karen Greco expressed her frustration at having to constantly take shit from the Seahawks defender throughout the entire birthing process. “As soon as Mr. Sherman showed up to the hospital with his girlfriend, he started shouting about how he was the best in the game and how I wasn’t nothing compared to him,” Greco said, noting how difficult it was to guide Moss through her contractions and apply an epidural anesthetic with the defensive back loudly criticizing the hospital for sending such a “second-rate, bush-league” maternity nurse to deliver his son. “I was trying to concentrate once his girlfriend started crowning, but he was right up in my face and screaming at me the whole time. It’s like, ‘Jesus, just shut up and let me do my job, okay?’” According to sources, Greco and the rest of the maternity ward staff ultimately lost their patience with Sherman when he used his superior size and reach to get in front of the attending obstetrician and snatch his newborn child from his girlfriend’s birth canal.
Media Scandals Over The Years #~# News anchor Brian Williams was mired in scandal this week after admitting that he had lied for years about being in a helicopter that was hit by enemy fire while covering the Iraq War in 2003. Here are other journalism scandals and controversies that news outlets have experienced over the years:
GOP Builds Full-Scale Replica Of Struggling Ohio Town To Train Presidential Hopefuls #~# MARTINSDALE, MT—In an effort to improve the party’s chances in the 2016 election, GOP officials announced Thursday that the Republican National Committee has built a functional full-scale replica of a struggling Ohio town in which to train presidential hopefuls.
Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees #~# SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees. “For the next three months, we’ll be treating our workers as skilled professionals we appreciate having on our staff instead of as disposable laborers whose morale could not matter less to us,” said Gartner, telling reporters that during this provisional period, management would be assessing the long-term viability of constructively addressing employee concerns and creating an overall positive work environment. “This is completely new to us, obviously, but that’s why we’re just testing it out. If need be, we can go back to essentially telling our workers that they’re lucky we hired them in the first place.” At press time, the initiative had been canceled after estimates revealed it would cost the company upwards of $2,500 annually.
New Study Finds Majority Of God’s Blessings Burn Up On Entry Into Atmosphere #~# AUSTIN, TX—Noting that the chances of one reaching the planet’s surface are largely dependent on speed and angle of entry, a study released Thursday by the University of Texas Department of Astronomy found that the majority of blessings from God burn up while passing through Earth’s atmosphere. “We discovered that due to the thickness and density of the gases surrounding our planet, 80 percent of God’s graces will completely disintegrate by the time they are about 75 to 100 kilometers away from the surface,” said professor Donald Northcote, adding that his team’s observations suggest that roughly 19 million of the Lord’s blessings vaporize in the mesosphere on any given day. “Even the largest and most generous of God’s gifts will be reduced to many minute fragments of His original intention during the journey, and the rare blessing that reaches the ground will be much smaller than it was in Heaven. Moreover, those divine blessings that manage to make it through the atmosphere typically fall harmlessly into the ocean without humans even realizing it.” Northcote told reporters that a particularly powerful blessing from God that struck Earth during the Cretaceous period is believed to have wiped out 75 percent of the world’s species.
Discovery Of Neolithic Gift Shop Suggests Stonehenge Always Meant As Tourist Attraction #~# WILTSHIRE, ENGLAND—In a significant finding that sheds new light on the mysterious monument’s past, a team of archaeologists working near Stonehenge this week unearthed the remnants of a primitive gift shop, suggesting that the site had always served as a tourist attraction. “After uncovering piles of Stone Age goblets, deer-hide tunics, and animal-bone bracelets all etched with images of Stonehenge, we realized that this was not an ancient Celtic ritual site or Druidic pilgrimage destination as previously thought, but instead a popular attraction for Neolithic vacationers,” said lead researcher Amelia Stroud of Oxford University, who explained that preserved footprints found at the site indicated that ancient visitors had to walk through the gift area on their way out of the circular stone structure. “We also found a wide array of ancient coins at the site, clear evidence that large bands of Romans and Anglo-Saxon tribesmen came from far away to visit the attraction and were charged exorbitant prices while there.” Stroud went on to speculate that numerous small rocks found scattered around the site were most likely the remains of prehistoric “Make Your Own Stonehenge” kits.
Therapy Kangaroo Kicked Out Of McDonald’s #~# Police in a Wisconsin town asked a woman to leave a McDonald’s because she had brought her therapy kangaroo, Jimmy, a support animal she says helps her deal with emotional stress, to the restaurant, leading to complaints from customers. What do you think?
What The Average American Spends On Valentine’s Day #~# Between paying for fancy dinners, boxes of chocolates, flowers, and candy hearts, Americans spend huge amounts on Valentine’s Day to celebrate their significant others. Here’s a breakdown of the average American’s Valentine’s Day spending:
New England Fans: ‘We Don’t Deserve This’ #~# BOSTON—Having watched the Patriots win their fourth Super Bowl title in 14 years, sports fans across New England issued a thoughtful and introspective joint statement Wednesday announcing that they in no way deserve any of the success their teams have enjoyed over the past two decades. “When you stop and think about it, we’re loud-mouthed, we’re antagonistic, and we’re unbearably pompous, so there’s really no way we should have been able to enjoy four Super Bowls, three World Series, an NBA title, and a Stanley Cup since 2001,” read the statement in part, which added that “you can think of at least a dozen other fan bases off the top of your head” that would be far better served than Boston with teams that combined for nine different championships over the last 15 years. “The 2004 World Series was really the only thing that you could argue we had coming after waiting almost 100 years since our last one. But considering the way we angrily overreact to the slightest criticism of our teams—always brushing off even warranted criticism as jealousy or resentment—while also whining like crybabies about every little thing that doesn’t go our way, it’s hard to understand how we ended up in this spot. We’re obviously going to enjoy the win over the Seahawks, but let’s be honest here, we all know deep down that we don’t deserve this in the slightest.” At press time, residents of New England collectively decided that showing up to Wednesday’s Super Bowl championship parade would only perpetuate their utterly obnoxious and arrogant persona, leaving Patriots coaches and players to drive through the completely empty and silent streets of downtown Boston.
Harper Lee To Publish ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ Sequel #~# Harper Lee, author of the celebrated 1960 novel To Kill A Mockingbird, her only published work to date, announced that she will publish a sequel called Go Set A Watchman about the character Scout returning home as an adult to visit her father, Atticus. What do you think?
Pope Nervous For Annual Performance Review With God #~# VATICAN CITY—Saying he’s appeared uneasy and distracted while delivering masses in recent days, Vatican insiders reported Wednesday that His Holiness Pope Francis is “getting pretty anxious” about his upcoming annual performance review with God.
Nick Saban Returns From 2-Year Recruiting Expedition With 94 Blue-Chip Players #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—Having traversed such unforgiving but target-rich environments as the Texas hill country and the swamplands of the Deep South, University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban finally returned Wednesday from a two-year recruiting expedition with 94 blue-chip players, sources confirmed. “I spent months patiently tracking some of these All-Americans, but in the end it was worth it,” said Saban, describing the grueling 12,000-mile trek that saw him score such rare and prized prospects as a 350-pound defensive tackle and 13 wide receivers with 4.3 40 times. “It’s all about setting the bait by flashing the national championship rings and promises about playing time, and then you just have to sit and wait. I could’ve easily picked off another dozen three-stars, but honestly I wouldn’t have had room in my pickup for all of them. It was tough being away from my family for so long, although when it was all said and done, this really was the recruiting trip of a lifetime.” Saban declined to comment, however, on allegations that he was caught on Auburn University’s grounds attempting to poach players eligible for a fifth-year transfer.
At Least It’s Been A While Since Story About Somebody Eating Somebody Else, Reports Violence-Weary Nation #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they were glad to accept consolation wherever they could find it, violence-weary Americans told reporters this week they were going to go ahead and take comfort in the fact that there hasn’t recently been a news story about a person killing and eating another person.
New Smartphone Dating App ‘The League’ Matches Elite Professional Singles #~# A graduate of Stanford University has raised money to launch The League, dubbed the “Tinder for elitists,” a smartphone dating app that uses an algorithm to approve ambitious users who have prestigious educations and careers and weed out others. What do you think?
Jewelry Company Jumps Gun With Engagement Ring Commercial Featuring Polyamorous Triad #~# NEW YORK—Saying the company had skipped a good five or six steps on society’s path to wider acceptance of nontraditional relationships, marketing experts told reporters Wednesday that jewelry retailer Zales had definitely jumped the gun with its new engagement ring commercial featuring a polyamorous triad. “Zales is definitely getting a bit ahead of itself with its new ‘Abundant Love’ ad—today’s consumers just aren’t ready to see a jewelry commercial like this,” said Venture Marketing brand consultant Caitlin Boyd regarding the new campaign, which depicts a man simultaneously proposing to his male and female co-primaries while presenting three identical gold engagement bands. “This could maybe fly in 15, 20 years, but TV viewers are going to need to see a number of other alternative relationships in engagement ring ads first: a non-monogamous heterosexual dyad, trans partners, at least a few biracial lesbian couples. As it stands, this one’s certainly putting the cart before the horse.” When reached for comment, a Zales representative stated that the rings, which are available in sets of three or more, can also be customized for polyamorous unions involving secondary, tertiary, or pivot partners.
Snow Shoveling Tips #~# In the midst of heavy winter blizzards, digging yourself out of the drifts can be both an inconvenient chore and a dangerous task linked to fatigue and heart attacks. Here are some safety tips to keep in mind while shoveling snow:
Venus Added To Registry Of Historically Significant Planets #~# VIENNA—Recognizing its prominent position in the night sky and 4.5 billion years of service to the solar system, the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs voted Tuesday to add Venus to the Registry of Historically Significant Planets. “From the beginning of the protoplanetary era to the present day, Venus has contributed tremendously to our planetary system, serving as an anchor to the inner planets whose brightness and surface temperature remain unparalleled,” said UNOOSA director Simonetta Di Pippo, adding that the terrestrial body would be honored with a 3’-by-3’ embossed bronze plaque that will be installed in its orbit during a ceremony honoring the planet next month. “We hope that this distinction will help to preserve and protect Venus, and ensure that future generations can continue to enjoy its slow, retrograde rotation, Earthlike size, and ultra-dense atmosphere for many years to come.” Venus will join Saturn and Neptune as the sole members of the registry.
Nation Prepares For Long Week Of Seeing Photos Of Tom Brady Lifting Super Bowl Trophy #~# WASHINGTON—Bracing themselves for what they know will be a long and arduous week, millions of Americans across the nation expressed their frustration Tuesday as they prepared to be continuously inundated with photos of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady lifting the Super Bowl trophy. “Well, this is gonna suck,” Omaha, NE resident Paul Webb said before opening his web browser, explaining that as soon as he opens any given sports website, he will inevitably be met with a giant picture of Brady holding up the Lombardi Trophy after the Super Bowl or during the Patriots’ championship parade. “It’ll be really annoying having to immediately scroll down just so I don’t have to see that smug asshole’s face smiling back at me while he wears a ‘Super Bowl XLIX Champions’ hat and confetti rains down around him, but I guess I don’t have a choice unless I toss my phone in the garbage and go live in the woods for the next seven days. The worst will be those grids of him hoisting four different Super Bowl trophies—Christ, even the thought of that makes me want to fucking puke.” The U.S. populace did, however, reportedly take some solace in realizing that the constant barrage of photos and articles about Brady and the Patriots doesn’t represent a drastic departure from the media’s normal, everyday sports coverage.
Sometimes I Feel Like Things Would Be Better Off If I Never Existed #~# Lately I’ve been struggling a lot with feelings of hopelessness, and sometimes the sense of despair can be overwhelming. It usually starts when I look around and notice just how much pain and suffering is out there. With so many in such misery, I wonder, what’s the point of it all? Then I stop to consider how little I’ve done to help anyone, and how I only seem to make people’s lives worse. And before long, I start to think that maybe everything would be better if I’d never existed at all.
Man Under Mistaken Impression He His Own Harshest Critic #~# ROUND ROCK, TX—Having made repeated claims that he holds himself to a higher standard than anyone else does, local man Nathan Tullman, 37, remains under the mistaken impression that he is his own harshest critic, reports confirmed Tuesday. “No one’s tougher on me than I am,” said an incorrect Tullman, failing to take into account views of him held by his coworkers, wife, extended family, friends, doctors, and financial advisor, among others. “And that’s because I’m brutally honest with myself. If someone’s going to evaluate my strengths, my weaknesses, or my prospects and give me the straight truth—no matter how painful it may be—it’s going to be me.” At press time, Tullman wrongly added that on the occasions he chooses to reward himself, it’s because he truly deserves it.
California May Raise Smoking Age From 18 To 21 #~# In an effort to keep cigarettes out of the hands of teenagers, California legislators have proposed a bill that would raise the state’s minimum smoking age from 18 to 21. What do you think?
Woman Has Few Enough Friends To Consider Confiding In Sister #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Admitting there really wasn’t anyone else who came to mind as a viable option, local 32-year-old Emma Weir told reporters Tuesday that she has few enough friends to consider confiding in her younger sister. “I’m not particularly close with anyone I grew up with, and my college friends and I have fallen out of touch over the years—I guess my sister Rachel’s the only person who I could actually open up to about anything going on in my life,” said Weir, acknowledging that her lack of any lasting friendships from her childhood summer camp, weekly yoga class, or past jobs has led her to at least think over the idea of having a heart-to-heart with her sibling. “I thought about bringing up some of my deeper personal thoughts with a colleague, but I don’t really feel that comfortable talking about my anxiety issues or seeking out relationship help from someone I deal with at the office every day. So, I suppose I could give that a shot with my sister next time I call her. Who knows, maybe she’d even confide in me.” Weir added that if her sister wasn’t available, she could always follow her mother’s example and keep all personal and emotional turmoil bottled up inside indefinitely.
Man Wistfully Looks Around Website He Hasn’t Visited For 30 Minutes #~# PROVO, UT—Local man Keith Steinhauer reportedly took a moment Tuesday to wistfully look around Slate.com, noting how much the website had changed since he had last visited 30 minutes earlier. “Man, the last time I was here all the top stories were different—none of these links even existed a half hour ago,” said a nostalgic Steinhauer, reminiscing about how at least three of the posts in the “Most Shared” section had disappeared since he had gotten up to refill his coffee. “I remember back when there were only 13 comments at the bottom of this article. Now, it’s got something like 19, and a lot even have replies. Who knows what it’ll look like 60 minutes from now.” Steinhauer later told reporters that he was at least comforted by the fact that the StubHub banner ad still remained from earlier in the day.
Helpful Waitress Asks Recently Seated Couple If They’ve Eaten Food Before #~# MICHIGAN CITY, IN—Having greeted the table and handed out the restaurant’s menu, City Bistro waitress Amanda Meese helpfully inquired Tuesday if a recently seated couple had ever eaten food before, sources confirmed. “You folks ever put food in your mouth, chewed it for a few seconds with your teeth, and then swallowed it?” Meese asked, thoughtfully guiding the diners through the process of employing their lips, tongue, and jaws in unison to break down edible material in preparation for entry to the stomach. “Cutting your meal into smaller pieces with a knife and fork is really popular, but be sure you’re not actually eating the knife and fork. Just let me know if you have any questions, okay?” Reports indicate the customers had largely tuned out the waitress’s explanation of eating and, at press time, were smearing appetizers all over their shirts and pants.
Neighbors Come Together To Watch BMW Owner Struggle In Snow #~# EVANSTON, IL—Putting aside their own responsibilities and quickly gathering at their neighbor’s driveway, Foster Street residents reportedly came together Monday to watch a BMW owner struggle to free his car from the snow. “I threw on a coat and headed outside as soon as I saw that his car was really stuck,” said neighborhood resident David Rinaldi, who immediately stopped what he was doing to join other locals and passersby who had assembled for a better view of the frustrated driver revving the luxury vehicle’s engine and spinning the tires in vain. “His car wasn’t going anywhere, so I knew I should come out and get a good look at him barely moving back and forth as his BMW made loud screeching noises.” Rinaldi confirmed that the BMW owner had done the same for him in the past.
Chris Christie On Vaccines: Parents Should Have ‘Measure Of Choice’ #~# In the wake of a measles outbreak experts believe is linked to the anti-vaxxer movement, New Jersey governor and possible presidential candidate Chris Christie said he believes that it should be a parent’s choice to inoculate their children, saying, “It’s much more important what you think as a parent than what you think as a public official.” What do you think?
Super Bowl XLIX Highlights #~# Super Bowl Sunday was full of highs and lows for football fans, with a controversial play call by Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll resulting in a narrow victory for the New England Patriots. Here are some key moments from Super Bowl XLIX:
Man Brings Lunch From Home To Cut Down On Small Joys #~# RICHMOND, VA—Speaking with reporters while opening Ziploc baggies of pretzel twists and baby carrots, local man Stan Keppler said Monday that he has started bringing in lunch from home to cut down on his small joys. “Making your own lunch each day is a great way to reduce your simple pleasures throughout the week—it’s already made a huge difference for me,” the 38-year-old insurance underwriter said as he unwrapped a plain turkey sandwich from aluminum foil that he had woken up 15 minutes early this morning to prepare. “I used to go out for lunch with coworkers and actually enjoy myself every day, but now I just sit at my desk and eat something I packed from home. It’s quick, easy, and has cut my weekly sense of gratification by at least half.” Keppler went on to say that he is considering canceling his cable service as well, which would save him 90 hours of genuine relaxation time a month.
God: ‘Fuck Russell Wilson’ #~# THE HEAVENS—Following the game-ending interception against the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLIX, God Almighty, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, confirmed Monday that He “can’t fucking stand Russell Wilson” and that the Seattle Seahawks star quarterback “can go fuck himself.” “I hate Russell Wilson, so fuck him, and fuck the Seahawks,” said the Heavenly Father, adding that Jermaine Kearse’s incredible catch on Seattle’s final drive was indeed a case of divine intervention, but only so Wilson could then throw an interception that cost his team the Super Bowl. “I mean, the look on his face right after I made him throw that pick on the goal line was just priceless. He’s so fucking annoying, so I wanted to get his hopes up and then crush him in front of the whole world. Self-righteous little prick.” Despite subsequently allowing the Patriots to win their fourth Super Bowl title, God also clarified that Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Robert Kraft are all “dirty fucking cheats” who will spend an eternity in Hell after they die.
Study Links Binge-Watching TV To Depression #~# A new study has found that people who binge-watch three or more TV shows at a time are more likely to be lonely and depressed, leading researchers to conclude that the practice “should no longer be viewed as a ‘harmless’ addictive behavior.” What do you think?
Pregame Foolishly Squandered On Actually Planning Out Evening #~# ATHENS, GA—Admitting they had become so swept up in logistics that they had failed to get a start on the night's revelry, a local group of friends told reporters Friday they had foolishly squandered their entire pregame by actually planning out the course of their evening. “At first we were just casually wondering where we'd go out, and the next thing you know, we’ve blown two hours plotting the exact order of bars and parties to hit without having poured ourselves a single drink or cranked up any music,” said 22-year-old Mary Fulmont, who confirmed that, as she and her friends made careful calculations of various clubs' covers and drink-price-versus-quality ratios, both beer and vodka sat unopened in her apartment's kitchen. “There was a good 45 minutes where we just went around speculating whether the new place on Third Street was worth trying. God, that would have been the perfect moment to crack something open. What fools we were to miss out on that.” Despite having made such meticulous plans, Fulmont then canceled the evening's events, saying that without having loudly sung along to "Break Free" and taken group photos together in her living room, there was no point in going out at all.
Smart Shopper Only Purchases Items With ‘Quality’ On The Label #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Explaining the highly selective process he employs at the grocery store, local man and exceptionally intelligent shopper Aaron Lehr told reporters Monday that, as a rule, he only purchases items with the word "quality" written on the label. “I'm very careful about what I consume, so if I come across a product that doesn't say ‘quality’ or ‘high-quality’ on its label, I don't put it in my cart, plain and simple,” said the astute consumer, noting his additional discerning preference for any beverage or snack that highlights its "tasty" ingredients. “Most people just grab whichever item they see without comparing their options, but not me. I always keep an eye out for the one that says it's 'delicious,’ ‘savory,’ ‘scrumptious,’ or ‘packed with bold flavor’—then I know I’m buying a superior product.” At press time, Lehr was paralyzed with indecision while selecting between two juice brands, one claiming to be "all natural" and the other "100% natural."
Patriots Super Bowl Win Provides Storybook Ending To NFL Credibility #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Having defeated the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 Sunday night to win Super Bowl XLIX, the New England Patriots reportedly provided an incredible storybook ending to the NFL’s credibility. “Honestly, you couldn’t have scripted it any better in a movie,” said ESPN analyst Adam Schefter, adding that after a year rife with scandal—including high-profile domestic violence cases involving Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson, the league’s ongoing concussion epidemic, and fresh allegations of cheating against New England—seeing the Patriots celebrate a fourth Super Bowl title was a fitting end to the NFL’s integrity. “Given what we’ve seen over the past six months, this is the perfect way—really the only way—for it to finish. Unbelievable.” Sources also confirmed that witnessing a smiling Roger Goodell hand the Lombardi Trophy to Patriots owner Robert Kraft was just the cherry on top after watching the final few seconds of the NFL’s dignity and self-respect tick away.
Bill Belichick Credits Victory To His God #~# GLENDALE, AZ—After defeating the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 Sunday to win his fourth Super Bowl title, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick took a moment to credit the landmark victory to his god. “We’ve had to endure a lot to get to this point, but it just goes to show that all things are made possible through Y’golonac,” Belichick told reporters as he stood on the trophy stage, emphasizing that his strong relationship with Y’golonac, the Defiler, has given him the strength to get to where he is today. “Win or lose, I’m humbled by all of the Great Old One’s blessings. I’m just thankful that today the great and almighty Y’golonac gave me what it took to win. Thank you, my lord and savior.” At press time, Belichick reportedly knelt down to lead the Patriots in a team prayer, after which the ground inside University of Phoenix Stadium began to tremble.
Puppy Bowl Overshadowed By League’s Rampant Heartworm Pill Abuse #~# NEW YORK—As evidence mounts linking unregulated usage of the prescription medication to a variety of degenerative health issues, sources confirmed Sunday that Puppy Bowl XI is being increasingly overshadowed by the league’s rampant heartworm pill abuse. “The debilitating long-term effects of heartworm pills on puppies who abused them in their playing days are unfortunately only beginning to be understood,” said Slate editor Anthony Isaacson, adding that the intense buildup for this year’s Puppy Bowl falls against the backdrop of 14-week-old star labrador Bailey having been recently rushed to an animal hospital after being discovered in his dog bed severely vomiting and suffering convulsions from an apparent overdose of Heartgard Plus. “Puppies are often supplied heartworm pills by team veterinarians without any regard to the potential future health hazards down the road when they are 4 or 5 years old. Puppy football may be the country’s most adorable sport, but people must realize that it can be an ugly one as well.” Reached for comment, Animal Planet representatives refused to respond to allegations of widespread heartworm pill use, only stating that Puppy Bowl XI is “poised to be one of the cutest Puppy Bowls of all time.”
‘The NFL Is Deeply Concerned About Domestic Violence,’ Thinks Local Moron #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Following the airing of a public service announcement Sunday expressing the NFL’s stance against domestic violence, sources confirmed that local man and total fucking moron Timothy Worley, 34, concluded that the league is deeply concerned about domestic violence. “Domestic abuse is clearly an issue the NFL not only cares about, but is also fully committed to addressing,” the dimwitted, unbelievably naïve dipshit reportedly thought after watching the 30-second commercial, noting how impressed he was that the league was willing to make such a strong statement right in the middle of the Super Bowl. “Anyone who watched that PSA can tell that the NFL is willing to go to any lengths to raise awareness about this difficult topic. The ad is just part of that effort, and I’m sure that domestic violence is something it will continue to passionately fight against in the future as well. I’m just glad the NFL is such an upstanding and socially conscious organization.” The totally gullible dumbfuck then confirmed that, based on the PSA, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell undoubtedly believes there are some things far more important than football.
Responsible Gambler Builds Diverse Portfolio Of Super Bowl Prop Bets #~# LAS VEGAS—Emphasizing the importance of evenly distributing wagers in order to optimize potential earnings, 34-year-old veteran gambler Eric Whitman told reporters Sunday that he always makes sure to build a diverse portfolio of Super Bowl-related prop bets every year. “A lot of rookie gamblers make the mistake of just dropping their entire bankroll on whichever team they think will win, but you’re running a huge risk if you don’t take advantage of all the side action that most sports books offer these days,” said Whitman, outlining a wide range of prop bets on the total score, whether the game will go to overtime, and which team will kick the first field goal—as well as more conservative positions on whether New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick will wear a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off—that make up the approximately $18,000 in his Super Bowl XLIX gambling portfolio. “The important thing is not to get vested too heavily in any given position. For example, parlays are well and good, but remember that those are long odds bets that can’t be relied on to pay off. It’s better to compensate with safer wagers, such as whether Russell Wilson will have a rushing touchdown in the first quarter or what song Katy Perry will begin the halftime show with. You don’t want to get too reckless.” Whitman added that under no circumstance should a gambler purchase half points to cushion a favorite against the spread unless it’s a sure thing.
Bar Patron Can’t Believe He’s Partying With Rob Gronkowski 15 Minutes Before Kickoff #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Admittedly shocked to be seeing the three-time Pro Bowler in person, local 31-year-old Jason Howe expressed his astonishment Sunday after partying at the same bar with New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski just 15 minutes before the kickoff of Super Bowl XLIX. “He’s been here for three hours ordering shots for everyone in the place—I think he even showed up by himself,” said Howe, shouting over the other bar patrons’ raucous cheers as a shirtless Gronkowski pulled himself up onto the bar and began chugging a bottle of Jägermeister. “I’ve never seen anyone throw back so many drinks in a row. I think the bartenders cut him off a few minutes ago, but he doesn’t look like he’s stopping anytime soon. The guy’s a machine.” At press time, a bleary-eyed and profusely sweating Gronkowski was spotted being led out of the establishment in handcuffs and into the back of a police cruiser just as captains of the Patriots and Seahawks met at midfield for the pregame coin toss.
Man Thinking About Just Packing Up And Making Exact Same Mistakes Someplace Far Away #~# TEMPLE TERRACE, FL—Feeling the need to get out of his suburban hometown and make a fresh start for himself, local man Gregory Forlano told reporters Tuesday he is seriously considering throwing all his belongings in the back of his car and making the exact same mistakes someplace far away.
Study: Amount Of Time Spent With Kids Doesn’t Matter #~# A new study has found that the amount of time parents spend with kids between ages 3 and 11 has less correlation with how they turn out than the quality of their time spent together, so it’s important that parents aren’t too stressed, anxious, or sleep-deprived when they’re interacting with their kids. What do you think?
Can Anyone Truly Be Said To ‘Own’ The Complete James Bond Collection? #~# While out shopping for a friend’s birthday gift last weekend, I came upon an item I certainly wouldn’t mind having for myself—a DVD box set containing all 23 official James Bond films. As a huge 007 fan, I was amazed, and I got to thinking how great it would be to own every installment in the series. But then a difficult question occurred to me: Can it ever be said that anyone truly “owns” the complete James Bond collection?
Avoiding Popular Songs Somehow Accomplishment For Local Man #~# OAKLAND, CA—Speaking with evident pride as he mentioned how he doesn’t listen to the radio, local man Dan Mills appeared to be under the impression that his avoidance of mainstream music was somehow a noteworthy accomplishment, sources confirmed Tuesday. “‘Chandelier’? I’ve never heard of it,” said Mills, brimming with satisfaction over his success at evading a song that has been on the Billboard Hot 100 chart for almost a year. “Sia sings it? Which one is she again?” At press time, Mills was loudly stating that he had never seen Avatar and probably never would.
Totally Unknown Guy Strolling Around Your Part Of Office For Some Reason #~# YOUR OFFICE—Suddenly reappearing at your workplace after two visits late last week, sources confirmed Tuesday that a totally unknown guy is once again strolling around your part of the office for some reason. The well-dressed man, who not even coworkers who have been at your company for a long time could identify, is reportedly perfectly at ease placing a call in a vacant cubicle and has been seen through the glass conference room door apparently conducting meetings. According to witnesses, the man has also referred to your immediate supervisor as well as the head of your entire department by their first names, and has been observed standing with both of them and gesturing toward your general work area. At press time, this guy you don’t know anything about was suddenly asking if you could chat with him for a few minutes, a request reportedly made to no one else.
Cost-Cutting Measures Force Company To Start Hiring More Female Employees #~# HARTFORD, CT—In an effort to remain financially solvent by keeping payroll expenditures in check, executives at the Banford Group announced Tuesday they would have to start hiring more female employees. “Due to ongoing economic pressures, it’s crucial for the well-being of this company to rein in the growth of operating costs, so effective immediately all new hires must be women,” said CEO Jay Collier, adding that the cutbacks would require department managers to only consider female employees for promotions within the company’s ranks. “It’s not going to be easy, but we’ve got to tighten our belts until we’re more financially stable, and that means bringing on a female candidate for every open position. Once we return to steady profitability, we can get back to hiring men.” Collier added that the shift toward female staffers would also allow the company to save money by suspending its executive development program.
Report: Bill Clinton Gave Romney Debate Advice For Beating Obama #~# In an article about how Bill Clinton’s mistakes could potentially derail his wife’s presidential campaign if she runs, The New York Times reported that while he was backstage with Mitt Romney at the 2012 Clinton Global Initiative, he gave Romney advice about how to go up against Obama during the presidential debates. What do you think?
Man Torn Between Boycotting Indiana, Visiting Evansville Zoo #~# HENDERSON, KY—Saying he wants to show his support for the gay and lesbian community in the wake of the state’s recently passed religious freedom bill while at the same time acknowledging that he was excited to look at a variety of animals, local man Ryan Schutz, 32, told reporters Monday that he’s torn between boycotting Indiana’s businesses and visiting Evansville’s Mesker Park Zoo. “This is definitely an important moment to take a moral stand, but on the other hand, they have a new sun bear that I really want to see—boy, this is real tough,” said a visibly anguished Schutz, noting that he definitely wanted to protest in solidarity with the state’s homosexual community while also stressing that it was a beautiful day out and if he got there early enough he’d be able to hand-feed oats to the Bactrian camel. “It’s been almost a year since I was last there, and I haven’t even been to Komodo Cove yet. Don’t get me wrong, I really care about gay rights, but this place has paddleboats, too. I’m really not sure what to do here.” At press time, Schutz was actively attempting to envision the gay and lesbian friends he was standing with and not Junji, the zoo’s red panda.
NYC Tourists Incite Outrage By Taking ‘Selfies’ At East Village Blast Site #~# Following a gas explosion at an East Village apartment building last week that killed two people, a handful of tourists were observed taking self-portraits of themselves in front of the blast site, inciting a flood of criticism online. What do you think?
Indiana Governor Insists New Law Has Nothing To Do With Thing It Explicitly Intended To Do #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Addressing the controversy surrounding his state’s recently signed Religious Freedom Restoration Act, Indiana governor Mike Pence forcefully insisted to reporters Monday that the new law has nothing at all to do with what it was explicitly intended to do. “Let me state directly that in no way is this law designed to allow the kind of anti-gay discrimination that is the law’s single reason for existing,” said Pence, emphasizing that provisions authorizing businesses to refuse service to gay customers were nothing more than the only explanation for the law being drafted in the first place. “Regardless of the widespread misconceptions surrounding it, I want to reassure Hoosiers of all backgrounds that this law will never be interpreted in the way it was unambiguously designed to be from the very beginning.” Pence further clarified that the act’s sole purpose was in fact to safeguard the free exercise of religion it was in no way whatsoever created to protect.
Rehabilitated Otter Released Back Into Food Chain #~# SAUSALITO, CA—Following nine months of surgeries and physical therapy to heal the aquatic animal’s debilitating injuries, officials from the Marine Mammal Center released a fully rehabilitated sea otter back into the food chain Tuesday. “After many tireless days and nights spent helping rebuild his strength, we’re excited to get this little guy back into a tiered ecological feeding structure,” said marine biologist Shannon Murphy, confirming that, at approximately 10 a.m., the otter was removed from its cage and carefully reintroduced into the hierarchy of predation. “It’s always sad to say goodbye to an animal we’ve spent so much time caring for, but that’s ultimately why we’re here—to give these creatures a second chance at briefly occupying a middle rung in a progression of consumption where they serve as a primary food source for a higher organism.” At press time, a crowd of onlookers was waving to the otter as it swam off into the migration routes of sea lions, orca whales, and several species of shark.
Campus Tour Guide Just Needs To Make Stop To Change Out Laundry Really Quick #~# LA CROSSE, WI—After showing off the campus' science center and sports complex to his 1:30 p.m. tour group Tuesday, University Of Wisconsin-La Crosse tour guide Thomas Bloomquist reportedly led the assemblage of roughly a dozen prospective students and their families into nearby Eagle Hall dormitory and down a stairwell to the facility's basement, explaining that he just needed to make a quick stop to change out his laundry. “Eagle Hall is one of the newest buildings on campus, houses over 350 students, and has a brand-new media lab—and hang on, this will only take a second; I really have to get this done,” Bloomquist was overheard saying as members of the tour group squeezed between tables of detergent, scattered Tide Pods, and abandoned socks as he gathered bundles of damp clothes out of a washing machine and placed them into one of the stacked dryer units. “A lot of underclassmen—sorry, can you hand me those dryer sheets?—a lot of underclassmen like living in Eagle Hall because its closets are bigger, and it’s right next to the dining hall. Crap, would any of you happen to have any extra quarters? I need to snag this machine before someone else does.” At press time, sources confirmed Bloomquist was yelling over the sound of the dryer’s “permanent press” function, instructing everyone to follow him over to Centennial Hall so he could turn in his lab assignment.
Study: Women Who Sleep Longer Have More Sex #~# According to a small study conducted by the University of Michigan, women who sleep longer hours have an increase in sexual desire the next day and are more likely to have sex. What do you think?
Man Thinks Going To Vegas For Things Other Than Gambling Somehow Less Sad #~# PITTSBURGH—Noting how eagerly he listed off the city’s wide array of live entertainment, dining options, and shopping outlets, sources confirmed Monday that 31-year-old Michael Nelson had somehow reached the conclusion that it was less depressing to go to Las Vegas for something other than gambling. “I don’t want to spend my entire trip sitting inside a casino all day when there’s so much stuff to see and do there,” said Nelson, speaking as if indulging in a 200-dish buffet, touring a celebrity wax museum, or viewing various hotels’ outdoor fountains were not equally tragic reasons to visit the city. “I definitely want to check out that Eiffel Tower they’ve got, and the tiger show, too. One of those hotels even has canals in it just like Italy. I’ve got to see that.” Sources later confirmed that Nelson had apparently duped himself into believing that spending $100 on tickets to see Criss Angel Believe was somehow preferable to losing it at the slots.
McDonald’s Debuts Big Mac Clothing Line #~# McDonald’s debuted a new lifestyle product line featuring clothes printed with patterns of Big Mac burgers as part of its “imlovinit24” corporate marketing campaign, which involved staging 24 McDonald’s-themed stunts over 24 hours. What do you think?
New York Introduces Shoe-Sharing Program For City’s Pedestrians #~# NEW YORK—Providing a convenient way to navigate the metropolis for residents and tourists alike, New York City mayor Bill de Blasio announced Monday the launch of SideWalk, a new shoe-sharing program that provides short-term footwear rentals for the city’s pedestrians. “Thanks to this innovative program, New Yorkers will have immediate access to the footwear they need to explore all that our city has to offer,” de Blasio said, noting that SideWalk users can quickly and easily check out a pair of cross trainers, running shoes, or high tops from one of the city’s nearly 400 rental kiosks located on all five boroughs. “While purchasing and maintaining one’s own shoes can be costly, SideWalk allows users to check out what they need for as little or as much time as they want, at very affordable hourly rates. Just grab a pair of sneakers, use them to walk or run around the city, and drop them off when you’re done. It couldn’t be easier.” While noting that it was not required, de Blasio added that it is recommended that SideWalk users provide their own socks.
Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting #~# CLEVELAND—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits. “Coach told us it was really important to be prepared, because draft night is just around the corner and we all need to get measured for suits,” said freshman center Karl-Anthony Towns, adding that Calipari had insisted that it was far more convenient for the tailor to see Kentucky’s starting five at the same appointment. “It’ll be June before we know it, and coach reminded everybody that a bunch of offensive and defensive drills won’t do anything to help us look our best when we’re on the stage representing our new NBA teams.” At press time, Calipari encouraged Kentucky players to leave their schedules open early next week in order to start meeting with agents to discuss potential endorsement deals.
Troubling Report Finds Dreamily Sliding Down Back Of Door After Kissing Date On Porch Plummets 78% #~# WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—According to a troubling report released Friday by Purdue University, instances of women dreamily sliding down the back of their front door after kissing a date on the porch of their residence have plummeted 78 percent. “We found that among those who have just received a tender kiss goodnight, the number who then step inside, quietly lock up, and immediately experience such a pure, unbridled wave of joy that they must lean against a wall is at an all-time low,” said lead researcher Sharon Kaplan, who confirmed the dramatic decline in individuals who allow their knees to buckle while sinking to the ground with a contented sigh. “Additionally, we saw a sharp decrease in subjects who remain on the floor, hands pressed together over their chest, softly whispering the name of their sweetheart.” Researchers added that at the current rate, instances in which smitten women then look out through their window shade to find their date jumping in the air and clicking his heels together could soon vanish completely.
The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes #~# As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ruin college sports. Here are some pros and cons of paying student-athletes:
Study Finds Growing Number Of Americans Would Be Comfortable With Female Pep Boy #~# PHILADELPHIA—Providing further insight into the country’s rapidly shifting attitudes about gender, a study released Friday by the Pew Research Center found that a growing number of Americans would be comfortable with a female Pep Boy. “Times have changed, and I think it would be great for my daughters to finally see a Pep Boy on the sign who looks like them,” said local father Robert Kinsley, echoing the sentiment of 72 percent of poll respondents who indicated they were ready for the full-service automotive chain’s trademark characters, Manny, Moe, and Jack, to be joined by a female Pep Boy, possibly named Janet or Fran. “It’s always been the same three guys on the logo, but I believe that a female Pep Boy is equally qualified to promote savings on replacement tires.” The study also reportedly revealed that a majority of the populace felt uneasy about the prospect of a Muslim Pep Boy.
College Newspaper Staff Know Exactly How They Would Respond If Editorial Freedom Challenged #~# NEW BRITAIN, CT—Calling a strong independent press “absolutely vital” to a democratic society, the staff of The Recorder, Central Connecticut State University’s student-run newspaper, confirmed Friday they know exactly how they would respond if their freedom of expression were ever challenged. “We would refuse to back down even one inch if a situation ever arose in which our responsibility to inform the students of this campus was threatened by censorship,” said editor-in-chief Hannah Lowry, adding that the paper would move quickly to publish an open letter to school administrators—or whoever might attempt to infringe on their First Amendment rights—bearing the signatures of all the publication’s editors and reporters. “Any editorial we run would definitely include a quotation from Thomas Jefferson about the importance of a free press, and we would continue to cover the story on the front page for as long as necessary. We at The Recorder provide an important and necessary public service as journalists, and we must always strive to give a voice to the members of the Blue Devil community who have none.” The staff confirmed their response would also include a scathing editorial cartoon drawn by sophomore applied arts major Brian Thatcher.
Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their oldest brother, Dennis, was setting the bar so low. “Dennis barely had the grades to get into the local state college and then took six years to graduate, so as long as I get in anywhere and don’t drop out, Mom and Dad should be completely fine with it,” said Eric, 15, whose sister confirmed how much they appreciate Dennis taking the pressure off them by living way out near the airport in a basement studio apartment he can only afford because their parents help with the rent. “And considering how he’s never in a relationship that lasts more than a few dates, Mom and Dad are going to be thrilled when I bring literally anyone home to meet them. Basically, all Theresa and I have to do is not be total fuckups and we’re golden.” Sources later reported that after receiving a text message from Dennis informing them he had been fired from his job at Walgreens, the two siblings immediately went downstairs to casually slip the information into a conversation with their parents.
Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History #~# With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history.
Nude, Ash-Streaked Dick Vitale Proclaims This What March Madness All About #~# CLEVELAND—Shrieking at the top of his lungs as he scuttled through Quicken Loans Arena during a game between Wichita State and Notre Dame, sources confirmed Thursday that a fully nude, ash-streaked Dick Vitale was observed loudly proclaiming that this is what March Madness is all about. “Sweet 16, perimeter J’s, diaper dandies—that’s what we came here to see, baby!” a seemingly dissociative Vitale screamed, barging over several spectators as he stumbled down the arena steps and grabbed a CBS camera to directly address viewers. “Slam, bam, jams! Dishing up the rock! Cleaning the glass! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! It’s March Madness, baby!” At press time, officials were forced to temporarily halt play as an increasingly belligerent Vitale wrestled the ball away from Notre Dame guard Jerian Grant, shouted that he was “going all the way to Indy,” and then sprinted out of the arena.
Parents Let Kids Play On Vietnam War Memorial #~# Parents visiting Washington, D.C. with their kids this week sparked outrage and controversy by encouraging them to climb and play on the Vietnam Women’s Memorial, which honors U.S. women who served in Vietnam. What do you think?
Congressman Knows Regular Lobbyist’s Order Without Even Having To Be Told #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the Valero Energy representative had been coming to his office for more than a decade now, Sen. John Cornyn (R‑TX) told reporters Thursday that he now knows the regular lobbyist’s order without even having to be told. “Pete always drops in Monday mornings around eight on his way to work—well, you see the same friendly face year after year and you just pick up on what he wants,” said Cornyn, adding that he’s typically already preparing the lobbyist’s usual order of tax breaks and fossil fuel subsidies even as he’s taking off his coat. “Every once in a while, he’ll throw me a curveball and ask for a rider slashing regulations on greenhouse gas emissions, but for the most part, he knows what he likes and sticks with it. The way I see it, folks will always come back if you treat them right.” At press time, the lobbyist had arrived right on time and was getting settled in his usual seat.
Senior Citizen Keeps Mind Active By Contemplating Death #~# PORTLAND, ME—In an effort to remain mentally sharp well into her golden years, local senior citizen Evelyn Gordon, 86, told reporters Thursday she keeps her mind active by regularly contemplating her rapidly approaching death. “For just a few minutes every day, I really try to focus in and challenge my brain by thinking about all the different ways I might die in the next few years,” said Gordon, who attempts to improve cognitive function by performing mental exercises whenever she has downtime, such as calculating the number of days she has left on earth or carefully visualizing friends and family paying their respects at her funeral. “Then, before bed, I like to give my memory a nice workout by recalling all of the close friends and loved ones who have already passed away, and how that could realistically happen to me any day now. Of course, mostly I keep my mind sharp by concentrating on what it means to vanish into nothingness and be utterly forgotten. It really helps keep me alert.” Gordon added that she has also taken to learning something new every day about the neurodegenerative diseases that will quite possibly claim her mind sometime soon.
Master Architect Constructs Most Structurally Innovative Pile Of Dirty Dishes To Date #~# LINCOLN, RI—Far surpassing the ambitions of any of his previous creations, master architect David Prawer has completed his most structurally innovative pile of dirty dishes to date, sources confirmed Thursday. “Prawer uses a sturdy yet economically assembled foundation of large plates and saucepans that allows the pile to soar above the rim of the sink for the very first time,” said Prawer’s roommate Ryan Broess, noting how the skilled designer had employed cereal bowls at select intervals to buttress the pile’s uppermost layers. “And to think most of us assumed his pile of dishes from three weeks ago was his pinnacle when it didn’t even incorporate the coffee pot or the cutting board, let alone employ a half-eaten slice of pizza as a cushion for the load-bearing tumbler above it—just breathtaking.” Broess went on to say that the lattice of food-covered silverware atop the pile demonstrated that his roommate also had full command of aesthetic details.
Man Who Baked Banana Bread Spends Entire Party Anxiously Watching It Go Uneaten #~# OAK PARK, IL—Eyeing his contribution to the gathering’s potluck offerings with concern, local man Thomas Rafferty reportedly spent the duration of his coworker’s party Saturday anxiously watching his homemade banana bread go uneaten.
New Healthier Menu Features Food Wendy’s Customers Bring From Home #~# DUBLIN, OH—Responding to consumer demands for healthier offerings, Wendy’s announced this week the addition of its new Fit ‘N’ Fast menu, which features food that customers bring in from home to eat at the restaurant. “People still love Wendy’s classic old-fashioned hamburgers and Frosty desserts, but they also want to have fresh, low-calorie options, so we’ve decided to incorporate a variety of wholesome items that our diners prepare themselves,” said Wendy’s deputy marketing director Ralph Jones, telling reporters the fast food chain was proud to be including a wide assortment of heart-healthy, vegetarian, and nutritious homestyle choices for the very first time. “At each of our more than 6,500 locations, we’ll be making room for everything from lentil soup to mixed greens to baked salmon, all hand-selected by customers from their own refrigerators and brought directly to a table at Wendy’s.” Jones went on to state that with any Fit ‘N’ Fast meal customers could add fries and a 24-ounce soda, if they’re being honest with themselves.
New Facebook ‘On This Day’ Feature Unearths Photos From Past #~# Facebook has introduced a new feature called On This Day that allows users to unearth photos they shared or were tagged in from the past, which they can then choose to share with friends. What do you think?
Dallas Cowboys Honored For Helping Reintegrate Criminals Back Into NFL #~# DALLAS—Praising the organization for their refusal to turn their backs on those with a troubled past, the ACLU honored the Dallas Cowboys Wednesday for their ongoing efforts to reintegrate criminals back into the NFL. “We would like to recognize the Dallas Cowboys for their long history of providing an avenue to ex-convicts who are simply seeking a second chance at life as a professional football player,” said ACLU spokesman Carl Holmes, adding that, for over three decades, the team has helped those facing the stigma and legal constraints of a recent felony conviction find paying work as linebackers, offensive linemen, and wide receivers. “Too often, these men have been abandoned by society and left with nowhere to turn, but Jerry Jones and his organization have shown they are willing to take the lead and be that beacon of hope for them. The Cowboys have never been afraid to help those with a criminal history move on from their past mistakes and get back onto the field, and that is truly something special.” Holmes added that, without a group like the Cowboys, it is likely that many of the convicted felons would tragically end up either back in prison, dead, or on the Oakland Raiders.
Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars #~# WASHINGTON—Fearing that any further delay might prevent their movement from having any meaningful impact, a consortium of leading conservationists confirmed Wednesday it is attempting to get a head start on preserving the planet Mars.
Catholic High School Insists On Pre-Approving Prom Dresses #~# According to a report in the York Daily Record, a Catholic high school in McSherrystown, PA has instituted a new policy requiring female students to submit photos of their intended prom dresses to school faculty for pre-approval before they can buy tickets to prom. What do you think?
Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect #~# After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes, delighting fans who have long pushed for a revival. Here are some things viewers can look forward to in the new episodes:
Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s jigsaw puzzle strategy is absolutely fucking pathetic. “Jesus Christ, how does this little moron not know to start with the corner pieces?” said Randolph, 78, adding that the child’s decision to not immediately dump out all 100 pieces of the barnyard animal–themed puzzle and inspect them against the box’s cover “completely retarded.” “Oh, great, now this dipshit is trying to jam that grass piece into where the horses should be. I almost wish I could slap him in the face so he’d realize what a jackass he’s making of himself, but maybe he’s just a lost cause.” At press time, Randolph was giving his imbecile grandson 10 more seconds before pushing him out of the way and just solving the puzzle himself.
Mom Scanning Menu Finds ‘Pan-Seared Diver Scallops’ Faster Than Speed Of Light #~# PITTSBURGH—Defying the most fundamental laws of physics as she zeroed in on the menu item’s one-line description, mother of three Joyce Loflin located local bistro Sandrine’s pan-seared diver scallops faster than the speed of light Tuesday evening, family sources reported. “Ooh, pan-seared diver scallops—that sounds good!” the 56-year-old said within mere fractions of a nanosecond of opening the restaurant’s menu, challenging the very underpinnings of Einstein’s special theory of relativity by reacting to the additional words “parsnip puree and port wine demi-glace” with a contented “Mmm” well before the light reflecting off the entrée section’s text had reached her retinas and been processed into visual information. “Oh, wow, it comes with seasonal vegetable risotto. Yum!” At press time, the family reported hearing a deafening sonic boom as Loflin broke the sound barrier turning her head toward a waiter walking past the table with a dish of crème brûlée.
Gerrymandering Mishap Leaves Nation Without Any Borders Whatsoever #~# U.S. In Chaos After All District, State, National Boundaries Erased Overnight
Gap CEO Hints At Vending Machines For Clothes #~# In an interview with Fast Company, Gap CEO Art Peck said that as part of his company’s push to incorporate technology into its operations, he has thought about the possibility of introducing vending machines for clothes. What do you think?
Report: Students Had To Attend Ted Cruz Rally Or Face Fine #~# According to students at Liberty University who spoke to BuzzFeed News, the conservative Christian university chose to host Ted Cruz’s presidential campaign announcement during one of the school’s mandatory convocations held three times per week, which resident students must attend or else pay a $10 fine, a decision that some students criticized as sending the message that the student body endorses Cruz. What do you think?
Nation’s Money Constantly Disgusted By What Americans Doing With It #~# WASHINGTON—While saying it still holds out hope that one day it will be used for less degrading purposes, the nation’s money revealed Tuesday that it continues to be disgusted on a daily basis by what people across the country do with it.
How Michelin Rates Restaurants #~# For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status. Here is a guide to how the prestigious organization rates restaurants:
Looking Back On My Life, I Guess My Biggest Regret Is Trying To Fight That Alligator 5 Minutes Ago #~# As I reach the end of my life, it’s hard for me not to look back on all the years that have passed and think of what might have been. Frankly, there are a lot of things I wish I had done differently. But when I consider all the paths my life has taken and those that it hasn’t, I would have to say that my greatest regret is probably trying to fight that alligator five minutes ago.
Guinness To Start Offering Calorie Counts #~# Diageo PLC, the largest alcohol company in the world, which owns brands like Guinness and Johnnie Walker, announced that it will soon start offering calorie counts and other per-serving nutritional info on bottles and cans. What do you think?
Everyone On Defense Team An Equally Matched Romantic Interest For Member Of Prosecution #~# BOSTON—Noting the sexual tension between several pairs of opposing attorneys as they argued a criminal case this week, Suffolk County Courthouse sources said that each of the defense team’s four members appeared to be a romantic interest and equal match for one of the four prosecutors. According to reports, the chief prosecutor and lead defense attorney—former rival classmates at a top law school now squaring off in a high-profile trial—exchanged rapid-fire arguments as they examined and cross-examined a key witness Tuesday, at one point prompting a square-jawed deputy prosecutor to make a biting remark that was quickly answered with a clever jab from a fashionably attired assistant defense attorney. Though all eight lawyers vocally sparred with their counterpart on the other side and exchanged heated looks on the courtroom floor, sources confirmed they are privately impressed by the intelligence of their respective opponents, and did not appear unhappy upon bumping into them in the hallway during a recess. At press time, the defense counsel had decided to stop by a local bar near the courthouse where the prosecutors were already two rounds into their drinks.
Woman Who Teaches Special-Needs Children Killing It At Dinner Party #~# WORCESTER, MA—Saying that her range of compelling anecdotes and personal insights had succeeded in captivating all who were present, sources confirmed Tuesday that middle school special-needs teacher Jennifer Ramirez is absolutely killing it at a local dinner party. “Jenny has such a fascinating job; when she went into her whole thing about the methods she uses to get through to her autistic students, we were all totally hooked,” said fellow party attendee Eric Vaught just moments before Ramirez reportedly knocked it out of the park with a touching story about helping a particularly withdrawn student with his art project. “She’s even been trying to shift the conversation to [fellow party attendee] Adam [Howard]’s rec basketball league, but then someone will ask her to explain how she ever manages such a uniquely challenging group of kids when they go on field trips and she’ll go right on back to crushing it. She’s firing on all cylinders right now.” At press time, Ramirez had everyone in the room practically eating out of the palm of her hand by showing them photos of her students on her iPhone.
‘Time’ Magazine Subscribers Brace For Inevitable Issue With Close-Up Of Ted Cruz’s Face #~# WASHINGTON—In response to the Republican senator from Texas announcing his presidential candidacy, Time magazine subscribers told reporters Monday that they are bracing for the inevitable issue featuring a close-up of Ted Cruz’s face. “I don’t know whether it will be next week or 10 months from now, but I know that sooner or later I’ll open the mailbox and find that face staring at me,” said Time subscriber Susan Bartlett, who was gearing up for a glossy cover photo of the Republican candidate bearing a stern expression while half hidden in shadow or an untouched smiling portrait accompanied by the words “The Game Changer” or “The Firebrand” in a large sans-serif font. “Right now, I’m steeling myself for when I open the magazine and come face-to-face with a full-page shot of Cruz standing in front of his desk with a wall of books in the background. And I might as well get used to the fact that there will be one casual picture of him wearing jeans.” The nation’s Time subscribers added that they had not yet prepared for the eventuality of an issue with a close-up of likely presidential candidate Scott Walker.
King Richard III Reburied 530 Years After Death #~# Five hundred thirty years after his death, England has decided to give King Richard III an official state burial by interring his body, which was discovered under a parking lot three years ago, at Leicester’s Anglican cathedral, in a decision that some have viewed as a proper send-off for a former king and others have deemed a cheap spectacle. What do you think?
Ted Cruz Boldly Declares Nation Not Deserving Of Better Candidate #~# LYNCHBURG, VA—Announcing his 2016 presidential bid before thousands of students at Liberty University, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) boldly declared Monday that the nation had done absolutely nothing to deserve a better candidate than himself. “I want you to take a good, hard look at me, America, because this is exactly what you’ve got coming,” said Cruz, adding that the country was kidding itself if it thought it was worthy of higher-quality leadership than exactly what he was prepared to offer. “Deep down, you know you’ve got no business supporting anyone else. I’m all you’re entitled to, so just give me your vote and watch what happens. You earned it.” Cruz went on to say that, in some ways, he might actually be a better candidate than the nation deserved.
Who Is Ted Cruz? #~# Texas senator Ted Cruz announced Monday that he will run for president in 2016, becoming the first Republican politician to officially declare his candidacy. Here is what you should know about the first-term senator:
Siblings Playing Tense Game Of Chicken To Decide Who Going To Care For Mom #~# POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—As they each attempted to avoid the responsibility while still upholding the appearance of selfless concern, the three adult siblings of the MacIntyre family engaged in a tense game of chicken to decide which of them would care for their aging mother, sources confirmed Monday. “Mom could probably come live with me—there’s a little more space in our house now that the kids are away at college,” said youngest sibling Alison MacIntyre, 54, who, after setting herself on a collision course to support her ailing mother for the foreseeable future, sat silently praying she might be spared the burden at the last second by a counteroffer from either her brother or her sister. “Of course, if the boys come back to live at home over the summer we’d all be a bit cramped for a few months, but it’ll be fine. I can probably manage it.” According to sources, as her children’s tense standoff continued indefinitely, 82-year-old Marjorie MacIntyre began to worry that no one would call her out on her repeated bluff that she could take care of herself on her own.
Report: Employees Most Innovative When Brainstorming Dramatic Quitting Scenarios #~# PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Monday by researchers at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, employees typically display their most innovative thinking while brainstorming over-the-top quitting scenarios. “We found that professional creativity reaches its highest level when workers envision how theatrically they would dress down their supervisor before they storm out of the company for good,” said the report’s lead author, Kaitlin Parker, noting that research subjects generated the greatest number of original ideas when they were conceptualizing the precise wording, tone of voice, and gesticulations they would use in various resignation scenarios. “Whether the imagined act of quitting involves loudly confronting a manager in front of the entire office, walking out right before a major deadline and saying ‘It’s your problem now, buddy,’ or standing up in the middle of an investor meeting and cursing out each person in the room one by one, the exhaustive brainstorming of these scenes represents the most inventive thinking that occurs in the workplace.” Parker added that this level of innovation was rivaled only by workers’ contemplation of what they’d love to do to their nearby colleague who’s apparently incapable of breathing silently like a normal goddamn person.
Michelle Obama Renovates Van Buren Workout Room #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the 175-year-old fitness center had long been in need of a major update, Michelle Obama unveiled the White House’s newly renovated Van Buren Workout Room to reporters Friday. “After passing by this neglected old room for years, I felt it was finally time to get rid of the fraying leather pulleys and the jolting saddle and outfit President Van Buren’s gym with a full suite of cardio and weight machines,” said the first lady, who also did away with the eighth president’s 1840s-era weighted Indian clubs and a diagram detailing the various circular swinging motions required for their proper use. “We did keep a few things for historical character, namely the spring-loaded chest expander and the Dr. Gustav Zander mechanotherapy apparatus added by William McKinley in 1899. There’s a lot of history here. You can almost picture LBJ standing in the corner there doing his morning squats.” Obama added that she had also decided to keep Martin Van Buren’s wrought-iron Gymnasticon so she could do her daily treadle presses.
Study: Teens Change Clothes, Do Homework While Driving #~# In a new study published in the Journal Of Transportation Safety And Security, 27 percent of teenagers admitted to changing clothes while behind the wheel, and many stated that they also do homework, put on makeup, or change their contacts. What do you think?
Fewer NBA Players Choosing To Learn Unborn Child’s Position #~# LOS ANGELES—Highlighting a new trend that has grown increasingly prevalent across the league, a new survey released Thursday by the University of Southern California revealed that fewer NBA players are opting to learn their unborn baby’s position. “Many players and their spouses have decided that they would rather wait until after the delivery to discover whether their child is a point guard, a small forward, or even a traditional center who dominates in the post,” said Los Angeles-based obstetrician Dr. Charles Peyrovian, adding that several of his patients have asked him to write their baby’s position on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope in case they change their minds before the birth. “The biggest benefit of waiting is that it prevents parents from developing too many preconceived notions about whether their child will be a perimeter shooter or more of a commanding presence inside the paint. The mystery and anticipation also makes the whole process a little more fun, and it’s really wonderful to see their faces light up when you tell them they just had a little two-guard.” Peyrovian added that while nearly all players have some preference for their child’s position, they’re mainly concerned with making sure their baby is born healthy and with a reliable midrange jumper.
Paragon Of Chivalrous Virtue Lets Date Have Last Mozzarella Stick #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Embodying the purest ideals of gallantry and courtesy, local man Greg Boyce, a living paragon of chivalrous virtue, reportedly allowed his date to take the last mozzarella stick while out to eat Tuesday evening. “All yours,” said the champion of knightly nobility, embracing the ancient mores of charity and graciousness by asserting that he had already eaten five of the succulent appetizers, and even claiming that he had not in fact been reaching for the remaining hors d'oeuvre just seconds earlier. “No, seriously, I’m good. Go for it.” At press time, the veritable Sir Galahad was continuing to stand for the vaunted principles of his courtly station by only taking a couple of bites of his fair lady’s dessert.
New Hampshire Legislators Kill Fourth-Graders’ Bill To Their Faces #~# When a group of fourth-graders in New Hampshire proposed a bill in the state legislature to establish the red-tailed hawk as the New Hampshire state raptor, lawmakers shut the measure down, arguing, “It grasps [its prey] with its talons then uses its razor sharp beak to basically tear it apart limb by limb,” among other objections. What do you think?
Man Filled With Gratitude At Sight Of Other Customer In Nice Restaurant Wearing Jeans #~# HOBOKEN, NJ—Assuaging the initial panic he felt after noticing the formal attire of other patrons around him, 29-year-old Keith Vaughn was said to be overcome with gratitude Thursday when he finally spotted another customer wearing jeans at local bistro L’Etoile. “Oh, thank God,” Vaughn reportedly said to himself, his blood pressure beginning to subside following several nerve-racking moments during which he spotted only tan, gray, or black dress pants held up by expensive-looking leather belts. “Holy shit, he’s wearing sneakers too. They’re a little nicer than mine, but they’re still sneakers, so I’m all set.” At press time, Vaughn’s sense of dread had been renewed as he realized the other man had a blazer draped over the back of his chair.
Report: Getting Massages At Airports Apparently Part Of Certain People’s Lives #~# DENVER—Noting that there were, in fact, several customers at the XpresSpa in the Denver International Airport, sources confirmed Friday that getting a massage at the airport is apparently a part of certain people’s lives. “I guess some people must actively plan that, after they get through security, they’ll set their bags to the side, sit down in a special chair in plain view of others, and receive a 20-minute full-body massage right in the middle of the crowded concourse,” said 34-year-old onlooker Michael Gilbane, adding that it appears to be a normal aspect of particular individuals’ experience to rest their face in a circular pillow while a professional kneads and rubs their muscles in front of a steady stream of travelers en route to their boarding gates or the food court. “Evidently, this is a typical way they choose to occupy their time while waiting for a flight rather than just reading a book or watching something on their laptop. Huh.” At press time, sources concluded that some people seemingly eat at the terminal’s Steak Escape to acquire nutrition.
Lego Magazine Offers Beauty Tips To Young Girls #~# Lego angered some parents this week with a spread in its Lego Club Magazine titled “Emma’s Beauty Tips,” which is aimed at 5- to 12-year-old girls, offering pointers on styling hair and going to the salon. What do you think?
Rick Pitino Likes What He’s Seeing From Freshman Louisville Cheerleader #~# SEATTLE—Praising her incredible physique and wide array of intangible qualities, Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino told reporters Friday that he has absolutely loved what he’s seen thus far from freshman cheerleader Danielle Crawley. “Right now she’s a little raw, but give her time to develop and I think she’ll really turn some heads,” said Pitino, adding that the 19-year-old is already starting to remind him of some of the all-time greats he’s had the pleasure of watching come through the Louisville cheerleading program for more than a decade. “Assuming Danielle sticks around for all four years, we might have something truly special on our hands. She’s young, but when I think of all she could be capable of—well, it’s hard not to get excited just thinking about it.” Pitino added that Crawley is certainly living up to the potential he saw during the handful of her high school games he attended last year.
Study: Not Many Disco Songs About Daytime #~# NEW YORK—In perhaps the most comprehensive analysis yet of the genre’s lyrical content, a Columbia University study published Friday found that very few disco songs have been written about daytime.
New Arrivals Consult Wise Couple Who Have Been At Resort For 3 Days Already #~# CANCUN, MEXICO—Grateful for the veteran insight into the hotel accommodations and surrounding attractions, new arrivals to the Flamingo Hotel and Villas reportedly received indispensable advice Friday from a wise couple who had already been at the resort for three days. “They’ve got the complimentary breakfast until 9, but if you get there past 8, you’re probably not going to get a table,” said guest Brenda Stovall, who, along with her husband, Doug, drew on 72 hours of residency at the resort to impart crucial information regarding the pool’s alcoholic beverage policy and the location of the scuba gear rental. “But I’d skip the zip-lining excursion. It took us an hour and a half to get there, and the shuttle wasn’t even air-conditioned.” At press time, the Stovalls had checked out of the resort, leaving newcomers with no choice but to somehow fend for themselves.
Controversial Corporate Responsibility Campaigns #~# Starbucks recently stirred up controversy with a new campaign aimed at starting a dialogue about race that many have called tone-deaf and insensitive. Here are some other social responsibility campaigns companies have launched over the years:
Study: Breastfed Babies Earn More Money As Adults #~# According to a new study, babies who were breastfed end up having higher IQs and earning higher salaries as adults than those who weren’t. What do you think?
World Wildlife Fund Announces New Breeding Program To Create Way More Squirrels Than Necessary #~# GLAND, SWITZERLAND—While fully acknowledging that the small rodents were in no danger of extinction whatsoever, the World Wildlife Fund announced an ambitious breeding program Wednesday to produce far more squirrels than necessary. “Although there’s already a very healthy global squirrel population, this initiative would help produce substantially more of them than the planet requires,” said WWF director general Marco Lambertini, adding that the organization hoped to increase the planet’s current squirrel population by at least 800 percent within a decade. “Right now, across the world, there are places where you can literally walk 10 feet without seeing a squirrel or where you won’t spot one the very second you look out your window. It is absolutely vital that every ecosystem—whether or not squirrels are currently present—be absolutely teeming with squirrels, because squirrels should be everywhere at all times.” Lambertini went on to say that the current population goals could, and would very likely be, amended to reflect the desire for even more squirrels.
New Speech Recognition Software Factors In User’s Mouth Always Being Full #~# SUNNYVALE, CA—Calling it a major breakthrough in interpreting natural linguistic patterns, technology company Voxil announced the release Thursday of a sophisticated new speech recognition program that factors in users’ mouths always being full. “Our latest voice recognition software gives any device the ability to accurately understand and respond to how the average user actually speaks: through large mouthfuls of half-chewed food,” said Voxil CEO Caleb Roush, adding that the technology’s complex algorithms achieve a greater than 99 percent accuracy rate by filtering out a range of extraneous noises, such as loud mastication, the crunching of snacks between teeth, the wet smacking of lips, and the myriad gulping sounds that typically accompany spoken language. “Plus, our program’s built-in GPS capabilities aid speech identification by automatically determining if the user is at, say, a Quiznos and speaking through a giant mouthful of meatball sub, or whether they’ve just returned to their office desk from a pizza shop and are breathily talking with their mouth wide open because the bite they took is still too hot to chew. And while we still have a few minor issues to iron out when people eat peanut butter, this is nevertheless a major step forward.” Roush added that the company is already at work on an updated version that will be capable of interpreting the inarticulate moans and grunts made by users after they have eaten too much.
Man Returning From Vacation Settles On Single Concise Anecdote He’ll Tell Everyone Who Asks #~# ST. LOUIS—Carefully choosing the exact details and wording in order to maximize its impact in a very brief period of time, local man Kyle Perry settled on a single concise anecdote that he will tell every person who asks about his vacation to the Bahamas, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’ll start with the weather, which was cloudy at first but then cleared up—that’s a pretty reliable entry point,” said the 32-year-old Perry, adding that while his hotel wasn’t sufficiently interesting to merit inclusion in his short narrative, he was prepared to succinctly characterize it as “small but nice” if inquiries were specifically made. “I’ll tell them that I tried grouper for the first time and liked it. Then I’ll get to the highlight when I went scuba diving and brushed up against a huge manta ray. Ideally, I’d mention my funny cab driver, but I really don’t want this to turn into a whole thing, so I’ll probably just skip it.” Perry went on to say that he would then wrap up by stating he had a great time and would definitely go back, and that would be that.
Making The Most Of Your College Tour #~# Spring is the time of year when high school students visit college campuses to tour facilities, sit in on classes, and ask questions of current students to determine if the school is right for them. Here are some tips for making the most of your college tour:
Teams To Watch In The 2015 NCAA Tournament #~# March Madness has finally returned, with the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament set to tip off on Thursday. Onion Sports previews the 10 teams to watch in this year’s Big Dance.
Workers: McDonald’s Told Us To Put Mustard On Burns #~# In a series of health and safety complaints filed against the company, employees at McDonald’s alleged that their supervisors told them to put condiments on severe burns they got on the job instead of administering first-aid cream or seeking other care. What do you think?
Secret Service Asks For $8 Million To Build Fake White House For Training Agents #~# Following a series of embarrassing gaffes involving agents, the head of the Secret Service asked Congress for $8 million to construct a full-scale replica of the White House in Maryland to serve as a training ground for its agents. What do you think?
U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to live up to Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s campaign promises. “Given the ambitious list of security and spending initiatives that Netanyahu guaranteed Israeli voters on the campaign trail, I think it could be very difficult for the U.S. to come through on all of them; the pressure’s really going to be on America not to disappoint his constituents,” said U.S. State Department spokesman Eric Patel, explaining that, realistically, the U.S. would likely have trouble following through on Netanyahu’s repeated vows on the campaign trail to prevent Iran from developing a nuclear weapon at any cost and continuing to thwart the creation of a Palestinian state. “He made a bold personal pledge to every voter that Israel’s military capabilities would be considerably bolstered under his watch, which is going to be real tough for us to accomplish. I’m afraid we might end up having to eat his words.” With Netanyahu’s extensive agenda laid out before the U.S., Patel added that America would likely just have to increase its annual $3.1 billion in aid to Israel a little further and hope for the best.
NFL Launches New Campaign Warning Players About Long-Term Risks Of Retirement #~# NEW YORK—Saying that many players assume they are somehow immune to the problems afflicting those who quit football, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced a broad new campaign Wednesday to warn all players about the long-term risks of retirement. “With this initiative, we’re hoping to educate players about the enormous toll they might pay by leaving the game,” said Goodell, adding that the league will highlight the full and potentially debilitating consequences of retirement, which include the frequent and often permanent loss of endorsements that have recently affected a number of high-profile former players. “Sadly, most NFL players will find that, without football, they’ll have completely fallen apart financially by the time they’re in their 40s, and sometimes even earlier than that. We’ve also seen that over time, their public profile begins to wear down, and it’s truly heartbreaking to see them become totally unrecognizable to the fans who once loved and knew them so well.” Goodell added that he aims to extend the awareness campaign to the youth level, as studies have found notions of quitting football have occurred in players as young as 8.
Study Finds Majority Of Deaths Caused By Failure To Heed Omens #~# GENEVA—Explaining that simply identifying the phenomena can significantly reduce the risk of early mortality, the World Health Organization released a study Wednesday revealing that the vast majority of deaths worldwide are caused by a failure to heed omens.
Annoying, Well-Adjusted Friend Even Fucking Meditating Now #~# LOWELL, MA—Noting how he piled on yet another healthy practice to his perfectly goddamned balanced lifestyle, exasperated friends confirmed Wednesday that annoying, well-adjusted 32-year-old Ryan Miller is even fucking meditating now. “Christ, the emotionally stable fucker already loves his job, exercises four times a week, and now he has the balls to spend 10 minutes every morning sitting quietly and breathing deeply to clear his mind,” said longtime friend Michael Saunders, adding that it was bad enough when the irritatingly healthy Miller switched from drinking coffee to herbal tea. “Now, along with having great, fulfilling relationships with friends and family, Ryan’s built time into his healthy lifestyle to further improve his fucking self-awareness and concentration. God, that even-tempered asshole claims it’s really reducing his stress, too. Prick.” At press time, Saunders told reporters that if his aggravating, good-natured friend posted one more sun salutation picture on Facebook, he would unfriend the man on the spot.
Pete Rose Reinstatement Request Offers MLB Commissioner Lower Vig On Upcoming Emanuel Lopez-Carlos Padilla Fight #~# NEW YORK—As part of a formal appeal to lift his lifetime ban from baseball, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Cincinnati Reds star Pete Rose offered new MLB commissioner Rob Manfred a lower vig on an upcoming boxing match between Emanuel Lopez and Carlos Padilla. “I deeply apologize for tarnishing the integrity of Major League Baseball, but if I am reinstated, I will never disrespect the game of baseball again, and I can also get you some sweet action on this Saturday’s Lopez-Padilla fight, if you’re interested,” read an excerpt of the petition, which went on to say that Rose could get Manfred in on the ground floor with “a good friend” taking bets on the upcoming WBA Super Featherweight World Championship bout. “Look, this is an offer I wouldn’t extend to just anybody, but if you can get me ten large by Friday, I can pull some strings to lower the juice, plus cut your wager in before the opening line. And Lopez is a sure thing—just trust me on that.” Rose added that, if reinstated, he hopes to someday be elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame in order to “cash in big” on a few longstanding wagers.
Progressive Company Pays Both Men And Women 78% Of What They Should Be Earning #~# SEATTLE—Stressing the importance of treating all its staff members equally, progressive technology firm Northstar Solutions described to reporters Wednesday its strict policy of paying both male and female workers 78 percent of what they should be earning. “At Northstar, we’ve always believed that employees who contribute the same level of hard work for the same duties should earn the same meager fraction of a reasonable wage, regardless of whether they’re men or women,” said the company’s founder and CEO, Jack Stargell, who noted that every staff member’s compensation package was routinely reviewed to ensure that personnel with comparable experience and job responsibilities were being equivalently underpaid. “Sex is simply not a determining factor in how we view our workers; they’re all disposable quantities to us that deserve an identical amount of disrespect and lack of recognition. No exceptions.” While noting that these gender-equal practices were unorthodox, Stargell added that the company was already seeing clear benefits to its bottom line.
SXSW Speaker: Silicon Valley Bubble Poised To Burst #~# At the South by Southwest festival in Austin this week, prominent investor Bill Gurley warned against the growing tech bubble and the “complete absence of fear” in Silicon Valley, stressing that venture capitalists shouldn’t invest in so many companies with good ideas but no business experience. What do you think?
Study: Support For Bill Of Rights Highest While Attempting To Talk Way Out Of Drunk Driving Arrest #~# PRINCETON, NJ—According to a study published Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University, Americans’ support for the Bill of Rights is never stronger or more vocal than when attempting to talk their way out of a drunk driving arrest. “Whether citing Fourth Amendment protections against illegal searches and refusing to get out of their vehicle, or repeatedly reminding the officer they have the First Amendment right to say whatever they want, the average citizen’s support for their constitutional freedoms soars immediately upon being pulled over for a suspected DUI,” said the study’s author, Cynthia Vogel, adding that when pushed into the back of a squad car, intoxicated Americans are more than 25 times as likely as regular citizens to loudly and repeatedly reference their Sixth Amendment right to see a lawyer. “We were also intrigued to find that these heavily inebriated Americans interpret just about any use of force as excessive and a violation of their Eighth Amendment rights, often telling the arresting officer that they better watch out or they will be the one going to jail.” Vogel went on to say that, for whatever reason, individuals in such situations almost never reference the Fifth Amendment.
Report: Coca-Cola Paid Experts To Say Soda Is A Healthy Snack #~# According to a report by the Associated Press, Coca-Cola paid numerous fitness and nutrition experts to say that the sugary, high-fructose, and high-calorie soft drink could be part of a healthy diet and even recommended mini cans of Coke as a healthy snack. What do you think?
You Might Be Wondering Why I’m Wearing A Cap Usually Reserved For Playing Baseball #~# I’d like to take a minute here to address the elephant in the room. I’m sure it’s the foremost thing on everyone’s mind, so let me just come right out and acknowledge it. You’ve assuredly noticed that I’m wearing a certain hat—a cap, actually—that you’d normally associate with the playing of baseball. I can imagine how confusing this must be for you, since, as you’ve also probably noticed, there isn’t a baseball in sight. You’re probably asking yourself what on earth could be going on.
Paleo Cookbook For Babies Raises Concerns #~# Health officials in Australia are investigating a new cookbook for infants titled Bubba Yum Yum: The Paleo Way For New Mums, Babies And Toddlers, which teaches parents how to put their babies on a paleo diet, including a recipe for homemade formula. What do you think?
Man Has Carefully Calculated Timeline For Revealing Negative Personality Traits To New Girlfriend #~# BALTIMORE—Saying he doesn’t want to scare her off by springing too much on her all at once, local man Daniel Hastings explained Tuesday that he has devised a carefully calculated timeline for revealing his negative personality traits to the woman he is now dating.
Scientists Discover Eating Serves Function Other Than Easing Anxiety #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Shedding new light on the biological underpinnings behind the behavior, scientists at Brown University announced Tuesday that eating appears to serve a number of key functions besides relieving anxiety. “While a considerable portion of food is indeed ingested in order to distract an individual from feelings of panic and insecurity, our research shows that eating actually confers several benefits beyond temporarily holding despair at bay,” said Dr. Sandra Lutkin, who explained that consuming food has been found to provide vital nutrients to the human body and in many cases replenish it with energy, suggesting that its primary purpose may not be as a coping mechanism at all. “In fact, we observed dozens of subjects and discovered that only a portion of the items they ingested were intended to assuage their apprehension about their job, relationship, or body image. However, much more research must be conducted to learn more about these little-known, non-stress-relieving purposes of eating.” Although she cautioned the findings were tentative, Lutkin posited that there might be additional methods of eating besides frantically devouring a meal directly over a trash can or sink.
‘What If No One Travels Anywhere Ever Again?’ Wonders Panicked Transportation Secretary #~# WASHINGTON—Wondering what would become of the nation’s airports, roadways, and harbors, Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx reportedly became consumed with fear Tuesday that the American populace might suddenly decide not to travel anywhere ever again. “What if everyone stops commuting to work or booking vacations and just stays put for good?” said Foxx, growing visibly panicked in spite of fellow cabinet members’ assurances that cars, boats, trains, and planes were essential to American society and that modern life could not continue without them. “What if everyone collectively decides they don’t like taking trips anymore? What if people never leave the same spot? Oh, God, what would I do then?” At press time, Foxx reportedly breathed a deep sigh of relief after hearing the sound of a tractor-trailer passing by outside.
Vatican Policymaking Once Again Manipulated By Powerful Second Commandment Rights Groups #~# VATICAN CITY—Lamenting their tremendous impact on Catholic doctrine and their unfettered access to influential clergy, frustrated Vatican insiders told reporters Monday that policymaking decisions for the world’s largest Christian denomination continue to be manipulated by powerful second commandment rights groups. “These lobbyists pump so much money into the Holy See that they can just insert their own positions about not taking the Lord’s name in vain into almost every church edict,” said a Vatican official who wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisal. “Other commandment groups simply can’t compete with the political muscle these aggressive organizations wield. It’s frustrating to see popular and important ethical decrees like ‘Thou shalt not covet’ and ‘Honor thy mother and father’ continue to go by the wayside because all the most powerful cardinals are essentially doing the bidding of these special interest pressure groups.” At press time, a bishop who had used his sermon to propose a few modest adjustments to the second commandment was being bombarded by attack ads in thousands of church newsletters around the world.
‘When I’m Acquitted, I’ll Murder Those Interviewers,’ Robert Durst Mutters While Still Wearing Microphone #~# NEW ORLEANS—Following his arrest Saturday after he unknowingly implicated himself in the 2000 slaying of his friend Susan Berman during the taping of the television documentary The Jinx, real estate heir Robert Durst reportedly muttered his intention to murder his interviewers from the HBO special while unaware he was still wearing the live microphone they had placed on him three years ago. “The second I’m out, I’ll shoot those moviemaking pricks that put me in here, and then I’ll saw apart their bodies and hide them,” Durst said while in his holding cell, apparently still oblivious to the lavalier mic that has been clipped to his shirt since the April 2012 interview and which has recorded numerous incriminating statements he has made since, including the phrases “Of course, they’ll never find where I buried Kathie” and “Maybe I’ll murder my brother sometime soon, too.” “I’m going to kill the producers. I’m going to kill the crew. All of them are dead just as soon as this jury finds me innocent, of course.” At press time, representatives for the New York scion said he was refusing press interviews for privacy reasons.
Apple MacBook vs. Google Chromebook Pixel #~# Shortly after Apple debuted its new ultra-thin MacBook this week, Google announced its new Chromebook Pixel 2, which similarly boasts the new Type-C USB port and high-tech trackpad. Here’s a comparison of the two notebooks:
NASA: California Has One Year Of Water Left #~# A scientist at the NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory wrote an editorial stating that prolonged droughts have left California with at most one more year of water, adding that “our strategic backup supply, groundwater, is rapidly disappearing.” What do you think?
Older Prostitute Explains To Younger Prostitute Who Richard Belzer Is, What He Expects #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to prepare her colleague for an upcoming encounter with the veteran actor Friday night, 41-year-old prostitute Hazel Pierson reportedly sat down with 24-year-old prostitute Lexi Grant to explain exactly who Richard Belzer is and what he expects.
Unhappy Couple Staying Together For One Of Their Children #~# GILBERT, AZ—Saying they couldn’t bear to see their boy upset, unhappy local couple Denise and Peter Gale resolved to stay together for the sake of one of their children, 7-year-old Daniel, sources reported Monday. “It would just break Daniel’s heart if we did this to him while he’s still so young—I can’t even imagine how awful that would be for him,” said the 36-year-old mother of three, adding that she wouldn’t be able to handle the devastated look on her oldest child’s face when they sat him down and told him they were getting divorced. “At the very least, we’ll wait a while until he’s off to college and the house is a little quieter. Then maybe it’s something we can address.” Gale added that if another decade of marital strife was the price she would have to pay to give her first son a happy childhood, it was well worth it.
NFLPA Received Numerous Complaints From Free Agents Harassed By Cleveland Browns #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing their growing concern after being inundated with grievances throughout the past week, officials from the NFL Players Association confirmed Monday that they have received multiple complaints from free agents being harassed by the Cleveland Browns front office. “We’ve unfortunately heard from a host of free agents around the league who have been forced to deal with continuous unwanted and, frankly, pretty aggressive overtures from Browns front office executives and coaches,” said NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith, adding that allegations against the Browns organization include calling potential free agent signings at all times of night, leaving long, rambling messages on their voicemails, and mailing them numerous Browns jerseys already stitched with their name and number. “Several players have independently complained that Browns officials are constantly sending them text messages offering to fly them out to Cleveland and treat them to expensive dinners and a few nights on the town. They evidently just won’t take no for an answer.” At press time, Smith had received a phone call from a distressed free agent claiming that Browns general manager Ray Farmer has been standing on his doorstep holding a contract offer for the past four hours and has refused to leave.
Study: Men Who Are Nice To Women May Be ‘Benevolent Sexists’ #~# According to a new study examining nonverbal cues between men and women, men who smile at women, pay for dinner, open doors, put them on a pedestal, and give other positive cues may actually be “benevolent sexists” who have well-intentioned views on women that actually perpetuate gender inequality. What do you think?
BYU Fans Rush CBS Broadcasting Studio Following Upset Selection Into NCAA Tournament #~# NEW YORK—Tearing past crew members and camera equipment as they leapt onto the stage, throngs of ecstatic Brigham Young University fans reportedly stormed the CBS Sports broadcasting studio Sunday night following the Cougars’ triumphant upset selection into this year’s NCAA men’s basketball tournament. “We did it! We’re in!” said sophomore Brandon Wheeler, knocking over host Greg Gumbel as thousands of fellow BYU fans began excitedly jumping in unison in front of the studio backdrop. “Woo! Rise and shout, the Cougars are out!” At press time, the school’s marching band was leading the raucous crowd in a rousing rendition of “Cougar Fight Song” from atop the studio’s desk as a profusely bleeding Clark Kellogg lay unconscious on the floor.
Photographer Sparks Backlash For Wrapping Baby In American Flag #~# A photographer has sparked backlash for posting pictures from a photoshoot she did for a military family in which she wrapped their newborn baby in an American flag, which led Facebook users to accuse her of desecrating the flag and being disrespectful. What do you think?
Peter King Realizes Fight With Wife Really About Disappointment In Raiders’ Offseason Moves #~# MONTCLAIR, NJ—Midway through an impassioned argument with his wife Friday morning, Sports Illustrated writer Peter King reportedly came to the realization that the fight was actually about his disappointment in the Oakland Raiders’ lackluster roster moves this offseason. “Honey, I didn’t mean to snap at you like that—it’s just that I’m so frustrated that the Raiders front office isn’t willing to make the additions needed to put Oakland back into contention in the AFC West,” said the veteran columnist, adding that their altercation over whose turn it was to unload the dishwasher was just his way of conveying his resentment that the Raiders had signed a series of stopgap defensive players without making any effort to find a long-term solution to improve their pass rush. “I’m not angry at you, Ann. I’m angry at Mark Davis and the Raiders coaching staff for refusing to acknowledge that players like Lee Smith and Nate Allen just aren’t going to get this franchise any closer to snapping its 12-year playoff drought. Look, this free agency period has just been really stressful for me, and I’m sorry for taking that out on you. I love you—you know I love you.” King went on to assure his wife that he will never lose his temper the way he did during a particularly ugly incident in 1997, when several concerned neighbors reportedly called the police on the night the Bears announced they were trading a first-round draft pick to the Seahawks in exchange for quarterback Rick Mirer.
Unlikely Team Of Allies Unite To Take On Airport Gate Agent #~# BOSTON—Mobilizing from various corners of the seating area to form a unified front, an unlikely team of allies at Logan International Airport rallied together at gate B32 to take on the American Airlines boarding agent, sources reported Friday. “If we’re allowed two carry-ons I don’t get why we’re being told to check one of our bags under the plane,” said irate 39-year-old mother of two Maddie Cerano, the leader of the newly formed alliance of Boarding Group 3 members, flanked by a diverse array of compatriots that included a Northeastern University sophomore, a businessman en route to a professional conference, and an older couple. “The whole reason we brought carry-ons is so we don’t have to go through baggage claim. This is ridiculous.” At press time, a self-interested member of the alliance had reportedly betrayed his comrades by agreeing to take a “gate check” tag, affixing it to his suitcase, and then quietly ripping it off halfway down the jet bridge before boarding the plane.
Report: Texas Down To Last Lethal Injection Dose #~# While there are still six more prisoners on death row, Texas is reportedly down to its last dose of pentobarbital after executing a prisoner last week, giving it only enough substance for one more lethal injection. What do you think?
Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that his operation would be “completely dicked over” by an influx of product, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly became increasingly worried this week that the recent legalization of marijuana in Washington, D.C. could seriously cut into his business.
Man’s Bloodstream Enjoys Hour-Long Intermission Between Coffee, Alcohol Blitzes #~# PHOENIX—Reveling in a brief period during which it was reasonably free of any toxic substances, local man Trevor Gipson’s bloodstream reportedly enjoyed an hour-long intermission Friday between its daily coffee and alcohol blitzes. Sources confirmed that the blood flowing through Gipson’s body savored all 60 minutes in which two morning cups of coffee and an afternoon latte were no longer drastically elevating the office manager’s pulse, but before several after-work cocktails would dilate his blood vessels and send his blood pressure plunging. As the stimulant effects of the caffeine subsided late in the afternoon, Gipson’s bloodstream reportedly basked in a pleasing equilibrium that remained until being neutralized by a flood of depressants from happy hour drinks at local tavern O’Reilly’s. At press time, Gipson’s bloodstream was cherishing the 30-second pause between alcohol consumed at the bar and the cocaine consumed in the bar’s restroom.
High School Seniors Vote For Communism-Themed Prom #~# Teenagers at a high school in New Mexico have voted to make the theme of their prom communism and name the event “Prom-munism,” prompting the head of the school to plan a talk with the students about what communism really means so they can decide whether they want to celebrate it. What do you think?
Fantasy Baseball Commissioner Plumbs Deepest Depths Of Friend Circle To Find 12th Participant #~# STAFFORD, VA—Broadening his search to include anyone he knows with even a remote interest in sports, local 29-year-old Jeff Ludwin plumbed the furthest depths of his friend circle while attempting to find a 12th participant for his fantasy baseball league, sources confirmed Thursday. “I don’t really know Mike that well—he’s actually someone my old roommate used to hang out with, and I only met him once—but I’m pretty sure he follows baseball,” said Ludwin, blurring the lines between friend, acquaintance, and total stranger as he explored the outermost periphery of his social network in an effort to fill two six-team divisions. “If he doesn’t pan out, there are a couple guys I used to work with the summer after college whose emails might still be in my inbox somewhere. I bet one of them would be into it.” At press time, Ludwin had boldly ventured into the unknown by posting a status on Facebook reading, “Anyone interested in playing some fantasy baseball? Message me for details.”
Texas Now Regretting Wasting Doses Of Pancuronium Bromide On Innocent Guys Back In 1997, 2000, 2004 #~# HUNTSVILLE, TX—Noting that their prison system’s supply of lethal injection drugs continues to dwindle as more manufacturers agree to halt sales, sources within the Texas Department of Criminal Justice confirmed Thursday that they now regret wasting doses of pancuronium bromide on innocent prisoners in 1997, 2000, and 2004. “Using up 100 milligrams of this stuff on a wrongfully convicted inmate wasn’t such a big deal back when we had a steady stream of these chemicals coming in, but now we’d give anything to have fatal amounts of that compound back,” said the department’s executive director, Brad Livingston, emphasizing that, had the agency known it would one day be scrambling to find and acquire suitable substitutes for the deadly cocktail, it would have shown a bit more patience and discretion when handing down death sentences in questionable cases. “In those days, pumping a bunch of this stuff into some guy who was in here due to incompetent public defenders, unreliable testimony, and an implausible timeline of events wasn’t the most economical use of our stockpile, but it just seemed like a drop in the bucket. Now that we’re down to our last few syringes, though, it’s hard not to think about all the paralysis-inducing solution we could’ve saved for actual murderers.” Livingston added that, even in light of recent shortages, he still had no reservations about executing the mentally retarded.
Relieved Malia Obama Quietly Thanks Secret Service Agents For Taking Rap For Her #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing gratitude for helping her escape certain punishment, Malia Obama quietly thanked two Secret Service agents Thursday for taking the rap after she crashed a government vehicle into a White House barricade while returning from a late-night party. “Thanks so much, you guys; I promise I’ll be way more careful next time,” whispered the president’s 16-year-old daughter, adding that she would have been “totally screwed” if the two agents hadn’t stepped in to cover for her negligent behavior. “If my parents knew I was out drinking, they would’ve freaked. I really hope my dad didn’t get too mad and yell at you. Seriously, if you guys hadn’t taken the blame for me I would’ve been grounded for, like, a month.” At press time, Malia Obama was reiterating how grateful she was that the agents had also played off her boyfriend’s furtive visit last November as a security breach by a crazed White House intruder.
Wall Street Firm Develops New High-Speed Algorithm Capable Of Performing Over 10,000 Ethical Violations Per Second #~# NEW YORK—Calling it a major breakthrough that will significantly expedite and streamline its daily operations, Wall Street financial firm Goldman Sachs revealed Thursday it has developed a new high-speed algorithm that is capable of performing more than 10,000 ethical violations per second. “With this new automated program, we’ll be able to systematically deceive investors, engage in conflicts of interest, and execute thousands of other blatantly unethical dealings in the time it takes to press a button,” said John Waldron, co-head of Goldman Sachs’ investment banking division, who added that the high-frequency impropriety system will be able to break more rules in a minute than an entire floor of morally suspect securities traders, financial analysts, and portfolio managers could over the course of a week. “In the past, if one of our brokers wanted to exploit a questionably legal regulatory loophole or breach the covenant of good faith with an investment client, that would require hours of manually contravening the basic principles of professional integrity. But this innovative system will allow millions of such transgressions to go through every single day. Going forward, I expect this revolutionary program to be the cornerstone of our business.” Upon learning of the advanced new unethical algorithm, investors initiated a buying frenzy on Goldman Sachs stock, sending share prices surging more than 30 percent to $245.46.
Burger King Quietly Drops Soda From Kids’ Menu #~# Fast food chain Burger King has quietly dropped sodas and other sugary beverages from children’s menus and replaced them with low-fat milk and low-fat chocolate milk. What do you think?
High Schooler Promises To Have Man’s Impregnated Daughter Home By Midnight #~# BARTERFELD, TX—In an effort to demonstrate respect toward his date’s father, high school senior Marty DeLesko promised Patrick Bannon he would have the local man’s soon-to-be pregnant daughter home by midnight at the latest, sources reported Thursday. “Don’t worry, sir, we won’t stay out too late,” said the 17-year-old, telling the man his daughter and a fertilized human egg resulting from eight minutes of unprotected intercourse would be back under his roof before he knew it. “I wouldn’t want her to miss her curfew.” Bannon reportedly nodded and replied that if DeLesko brought his impregnated daughter back even one minute after 12, the young man would be “in serious trouble.”
Study Finds Swans Only Other Animals Who Mate For Few Years, Get Scared, End Things, Then Regret It #~# ATHENS, GA—Revealing how closely the waterfowl’s social behavior resembles that of humans, a study released Thursday by the University of Georgia has found that swans are the only other members of the animal kingdom that mate for a few years, get scared, decide to end things, and are later filled with immense regret. “Although most animals either procreate freely or select a single partner with which to mate for life, we observed that swans, like humans, get freaked out about their relationship after an extended period of time together, abruptly call things off, and then come to realize they made a huge mistake,” avian biologist Michael Brooks told reporters, noting that both humans and swans typically grow increasingly dissatisfied with their romantic partner following a particularly monotonous period of feeding and nesting before panicking and concluding that they’re just not ready to settle down. “While a swan that separates from its partner will inevitably determine that this impulsive decision was foolish, by the time the bird comes to this realization, its former companion has already met someone new and is very, very happy.” Researchers also noted that only humans and swans enter a painful spiral of regret over their lost relationship and then compulsively mate with several partners in a futile effort to recapture what they once had.
Fraternity Members To Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing #~# EVANSTON, IL—In the wake of a controversial video depicting two individuals in the fraternity’s University of Oklahoma chapter leading a racist chant, Sigma Alpha Epsilon officials instituted a new national policy Wednesday requiring all members to undergo mandatory racial sensitivity hazing. “Effective immediately, pledges nationwide will engage in a hazing program designed to combat racially insensitive behavior by requiring them to pound a shot of pure grain alcohol for every one of their personal prejudices until they puke,” read a statement released by the organization, which also reveals that the undergraduates must participate in a frank group discussion regarding the hurtful effects of discrimination after being blindfolded, stripped naked, and forced to stand in the campus quad for an entire night. “Make no mistake: We take these infractions extremely seriously, and if our members fail to properly memorize and recite the major provisions of the Civil Rights Act while tied together in a dark closet, they will be urinated on by every senior fraternity member present.” The release also described a similar hazing program aimed at curtailing sexual assault by requiring undergraduates to write “no means no” using a Sharpie clenched in their anus.
Commonly Overlooked Tax Credits #~# As Americans rush to fill out their tax forms before the April 15 deadline, many may not realize that they are eligible for multiple tax credits that would earn money back from the government. Here are some credits that could apply to you:
Facebook Removes ‘Feeling Fat’ From Status Update Options #~# After users complained that the emoticon encourages eating disorders and negative body image, Facebook officials deleted “feeling fat” from the list of status update options users can choose to indicate their mood. What do you think?
Every Single NFL Player Traded, Retired, Signed, Cut, Re-Signed Over Past 24 Hours #~# NEW YORK—With NFL free agency now in full swing, league sources confirmed Wednesday that a whirlwind past 24 hours has resulted in every single player from every team being traded, announcing his retirement, signing with a new team, getting cut, and then re-signing with a different team. “The dust is obviously still settling, but the balance of power has undoubtedly shifted in all eight divisions across the league as over 1,500 players have now agreed to contracts with their new organizations,” said ESPN analyst Adam Schefter, explaining that players each switched teams an average of 57 times yesterday while being traded, cut, and then retiring from the NFL, before then coming out of retirement to be signed, cut, re-signed, cut again, re-signed again, and then traded continuously every 30 minutes or so for the subsequent 18 hours. “It’ll be interesting to see how Calvin Johnson does next season after being cut by the Lions, signing with the Browns, getting traded to Houston, getting traded again to Minnesota, announcing his retirement, signing with the Eagles two hours later, getting cut an hour after that, signing with the Jets, and then getting traded back to the Lions in exchange for Brandon Pettigrew and a third-round draft pick. Of course, this will also depend on whether the Jets end up keeping Pettigrew or, as it’s being rumored, ship him to the Packers for Russell Wilson in a 19-team trade that would take Andrew Luck to the Cowboys, send Antonio Brown and Justin Tuck to the Chiefs, and bring J.J. Watt back to the Saints, where he was just released about five minutes ago.” At press time, sources confirmed that final terms on 14,367 new trades around the NFL are currently being finalized.
New Evidence Suggests Last Ice Age Caused By Earth Floating Into Extremely Chilly Part Of Galaxy #~# BERKELEY, CA—Offering an alternative explanation for the period of heavy glaciation and lower global temperatures, new evidence published Wednesday by scientists at the University of California suggests that Earth’s most recent ice age was caused by the planet drifting into a particularly chilly part of the Milky Way. “While past theories have posited that the last ice age was the result of factors ranging from changes in the planet’s atmosphere to the precession of its rotational axis to an ebb in solar activity, our research concludes that the epoch-long drop in surface temperatures can instead be attributed to Earth having floated through an extremely nippy corner of the galaxy,” said Dr. Gerard Weidl, explaining that the exceedingly brisk conditions prevailing in that particular region of outer space could be blamed for the growth of polar ice caps and the spread of glaciers across nearly a third of Earth’s total land area. “Luckily, about 11,000 years ago we coasted into a significantly balmier part of the Milky Way, which explains how much toastier everything’s been since then.” Weidl added that, should the planet float back into a chilly pocket of the universe, the few species that manage to survive would likely need to bundle up or else they would catch the shivers.
New Free-Range Slaughterhouse Allows Livestock To Roam Freely On Killing Floor #~# SIGOURNEY, IA—Describing their company as a humane alternative to standard industrialized packing plants, owners of a new free-range slaughterhouse told reporters Wednesday that they allow their livestock to stay active by openly roaming around on the killing room floor.
Solar-Powered Plane Begins Flight Around Globe #~# Solar Impulse 2, an ultralight aircraft designed to run entirely on solar power, took off from Abu Dhabi on a journey around the world Monday and will continue to fly around the globe for much of the next year. What do you think?
Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert #~# SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert. “She’s great at putting herself out there, but then as soon as she starts talking to people it’s like she doesn’t even register a single response or social cue she gets from anyone else in the room—I’m not sure if having an outgoing personality is really the best fit for her,” said coworker Jenna Hospodor, adding that Randolph routinely attempts to initiate friendly conversations with colleagues who are clearly too busy for a casual chat and will excitedly speak up in meetings one beat after everyone else has inferred a discussion is over. “She’s always launching into these really personal anecdotes in public areas like the break room or the elevator, and she doesn’t seem to notice when she’s making everyone around her uncomfortable. In a sense, it’s great that she’s so confident, but she’d probably be much better off if she was a withdrawn and reserved kind of person.” Hospodor added that her coworker also had no business being so nice, as it makes it hard to criticize her without coming off as catty.
As A Failure, I’ve Learned To Appreciate The Little Things In Life #~# I’ve taken a lot of trips around the sun on this crazy blue rock, and I like to think I’ve picked up some wisdom along the way. While I don’t have all the answers—heck, who does?—I do know that happiness in life doesn’t come from your job, or where you live, or what kind of car you drive. When you’re a complete and utter failure of a human being like me, you learn that it’s the little things in life that actually matter.
Study: Parents Cause Narcissism In Children #~# A new study from the Netherlands has found that the development of narcissism in children may be caused in large part by parents who coddle them, call them special, and otherwise give them an inflated sense of their own worth. What do you think?
Report: Whites More Likely To Be Named CEOs Than Equally Sociopathic Black Candidates #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—Shedding light on the striking lack of diversity within the highest ranks of corporate America, a report from the Executive Leadership Council released Tuesday reveals that white individuals are far more likely to be named CEOs than equally sociopathic black candidates.
God Shoots Himself While Cleaning Gun #~# THE HEAVENS—Calling it a careless mistake that was thankfully less serious than it could have been, the Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, admitted Tuesday that He accidentally shot Himself in the thigh while cleaning His Beretta 9 mm semi-automatic pistol. “I was just buffing up the trigger guard when all of a sudden the thing goes off,” said God, chastising Himself for leaving the safety off and forgetting to keep the muzzle pointed away from Him. “I really should have checked to make sure the chamber was empty. Thank goodness it wasn’t my AK or my Mossberg 500 Persuader—then there could have been some real damage.” Our Holy Father added that He anticipated a speedy recovery, vowing that He’d be back out at Heaven’s shooting range as early as tomorrow.
Study: 15% Of Boston Toddlers Drink Coffee #~# According to a new study led by Boston Medical Center, 15 percent of Boston 2-year-olds drink up to four ounces of coffee per day, which experts say may put them at risk for diabetes, obesity, depression, and caffeine addiction. What do you think?
Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget. “Though Mr. Dennison attempted to rein in costs at points, when his life wrapped last week, it ultimately proved far more expensive than anticipated,” investment advisor Samuel Calvert said of Dennison’s existence, pointing to such ballooning financial considerations as meals, wardrobe, and a late-life replacement of his wife, all of which caused outlays to quickly spiral out of control. “Of course, his life ended up running a lot longer than originally planned—and during those last few days, he was racking up expenses of more than $5,000 per day. His location choices certainly didn’t help, either, as he could have set a significant portion of his life in Seattle or Toronto for a fraction of the cost of the Bay Area.” At press time, sources confirmed that his life would likely be considered a loss, as it did not generate sufficient yields to justify its creation.
Spring Break Safety Tips #~# Spring break is an opportunity for many college students to travel, party, and make memories with their friends, but it can also lead to problems if people aren’t careful. Here are some tips for staying safe on spring break:
Nation’s 30 Fraudulent Voters March On Washington To Restore Voting Rights Act #~# WASHINGTON—Spanning nearly half of a city block as they rallied to support the freedoms of unscrupulous citizens, the nation’s 30 fraudulent voters reportedly marched on Washington, D.C. Sunday to restore the Voting Rights Act. “It is crucial for our great nation to protect the rights of every single citizen who wants to vote more than once,” Miami resident Tanya Bruton said to the assembled mass of more than two dozen Americans who were protesting policies that have made voting under a false name far more difficult. “The erosion of these rights is the only thing keeping .000001 percent of Americans from heading to polling places and stuffing ballot boxes. We will not stop fighting until these restrictions are lifted.” At press time, sources confirmed that the chants of the nation’s entire fraudulent voter population were drowned out by a large group of eighth graders on a field trip.
Apple Fans Demand Other Products They Can Feel Directly Against Skin At All Times #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Following Monday’s unveiling of the highly anticipated Apple Watch, fans of Apple across the nation reportedly called on the company to manufacture more products that they can feel pressed against their skin at all times. “The watch is a good start, but I need as many devices as possible to be directly in contact with my flesh, like lightweight tablets I can strap to my legs or some kind of Apple chestplate I can wear under my shirt,” said 28-year-old Robert Klinman, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans who said that any portion of their skin not in contact with an Apple product felt raw and exposed. “Maybe some kind of flexible Apple scarf, or even a full-body LCD sheet I could wrap my body in over and over, and that I’d never have to take off to sync up to my laptop. I mean, can you imagine anything more comforting than the warmth of your Apple pajamas as they gently charge through the night?” At press time, Apple consumers confirmed they would do their best with existing technology by wearing an Apple Watch and simply leaning their cheek against an iPad when they got lonely.
Tim Cook: Apple Watch Will Make Driving Safer #~# Ahead of today’s release of the Apple Watch, Apple CEO Tim Cook said in an interview with the Telegraph that the new device will function in place of keys to unlock cars and allow drivers to make calls without taking their hands off the steering wheel. What do you think?
How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting #~# More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers. Here are some of cable companies’ proposed solutions:
Man Suddenly Regretting Asking To Be Taken Seriously By Peers #~# COLUMBIA, MO—Just two weeks after requesting candid feedback on his work and a greater voice in department meetings, local marketing strategist Daniel Farragut told reporters Monday that he is beginning to regret asking to be taken seriously by his peers. “I thought it would be helpful to hear a straightforward assessment of my job performance, but it turns out I was totally wrong,” said Farragut, who since asking to be treated as an integral member of the team has received over a dozen pointed criticisms of his abilities, 30 brutally honest appraisals of his proposals’ shortcomings, and a handful of sharp jabs at his general temperament. “I actually think I liked it better before, when everyone basically ignored me and called me out behind my back. It was so much easier to get through the day.” At press time, Farragut had made a string of mistakes large enough for his colleagues to be able to once again go about condescending to him and dismissing all of his contributions outright.
Study: Female Orcas Take On Leadership Roles After Menopause #~# A new study has found that after female orcas go through menopause, they become leaders in their community by passing on knowledge about finding food and sharing their wisdom with younger whales. What do you think?
Producers Carefully Monitoring Buster Olney’s Question Count During Interview #~# TAMPA, FL—Keeping a close eye on the analyst during a taping of Baseball Tonight, sources confirmed Friday that ESPN producers have been carefully monitoring Buster Olney’s question count to ensure that the veteran MLB columnist avoids overexerting himself before the season. “It’s only spring training and we want to bring him along slowly, so we’re placing a firm limit on the number of questions he can ask after every game,” said ESPN producer Gus Ramsey, adding that the network’s program for gradually increasing Olney’s question cap is designed to keep him fresh for the grueling seven-month season ahead. “We’ve been working with Buster to get him to adjust his inquiring mechanics so he can be more fluid and natural out there. So far, though, he keeps blowing through his questions and exhausting his count right away, and we end up having to pull him pretty quickly.” At press time, increasing concerns about Olney’s ability to conduct interviews in back-to-back nightly broadcasts were leading producers to consider shutting him down until after the All-Star break.
Ringling Bros. To Phase Out Elephants #~# Citing “a mood shift” among their consumers, officials for Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus have announced that “The Greatest Show on Earth” will phase out its elephant performers by 2018 and retire them to a 200-acre sanctuary in central Florida. What do you think?
Pope Francis Recalls Starting Out At Some Real Shithole Churches #~# VATICAN CITY—Saying he never imagined he’d one day be filling a basilica as large and prestigious as St. Peter’s, Pope Francis recalled to reporters this morning how he started his career preaching at some real shithole churches.
Passengers Feel Sorry For Flustered Toddler Traveling With Loud, Obnoxious Parents #~# DENVER—Expressing their sympathy for the difficult and humiliating situation he was currently enduring, passengers seated in Terminal B of Denver International Airport told reporters Friday how sorry they felt for a flustered toddler who was traveling with two loud, obnoxious parents. “It must be so awful to have to fly with such irritable, whiny parents who throw a fit over every little thing,” California woman Jessica Henson said as the visibly overwhelmed 2-year-old looked on in mortification as his mother made a scene over the cost of checking additional bags. “If I had to deal with that level of hassle and embarrassment I would just stay home. He must have some real patience to put up with screaming outbursts like that.” At press time, passengers confirmed that the child was able to enjoy a brief respite when his parents calmed down to stare at their iPads after putting on one of their favorite episodes of CSI: Miami.
Dad Receives Advance Intelligence On Visiting Son’s New Eyeliner #~# BUFFALO, NY—Providing sufficient time for him to strategize and make necessary preparations ahead of his son Brendan’s arrival, area father Thomas Glidewell reportedly received a highly sensitive communiqué Thursday providing advance intelligence that the college sophomore would be wearing eyeliner upon his visit home for the weekend. “When you pick Brendan up at the bus station, he’s probably going to be wearing eyeliner, and maybe some black nail polish,” said 23-year-old daughter Claire Glidewell during a confidential telephone briefing on the situation, citing credible reports from well-placed sources at Fredonia State University as well as a recon mission that turned up photos of her younger brother taken at recent campus parties and posted to Facebook. “That’s just a thing he’s doing now. Thought you’d want to know.” According to sources, the urgent last-minute bulletin was designed to avert a repeat of the family’s last major intelligence failure, when the elder Glidewell was completely blindsided by his son’s lip ring at Thanksgiving and responded with a hasty, ineffective, and ultimately disastrous counterassault.
Court: Man Can’t Sue Applebee’s For Burning Self On Fajitas While Praying #~# An appellate court in New Jersey ruled this week that an Applebee’s customer who bowed his head close to his table for prayer before a meal and burned his face on a plate of sizzling-hot fajitas cannot sue the restaurant for damages, saying that hot food poses “an open and obvious” danger. What do you think?
NYC To Give Students Muslim Holy Days Off From School #~# New York City mayor Bill de Blasio officially added two Muslim holy days, Eid al-Fitr and Eid al-Adha, to the public school calendar, making it the nation’s largest school district to close schools in observance of Muslim sacred days. What do you think?
Loyal Senator Still Lying Patiently In Spot Where Beloved Bill Died #~# WASHINGTON—In a scene that congressional staffers have called heartbreaking and difficult to witness, sources within the Capitol reported today that Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) is still lying patiently at the spot where S. 2685, the USA Freedom Act, died in the Senate chamber several weeks ago. “He just lays there all day curled up in a ball on the floor and sometimes scratches at the podium, like he’s waiting for it to come back up for vote again,” Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) said of the NSA surveillance reform bill, explaining that Leahy had been especially close to the legislation since the day it was drafted. “He’s there when we arrive in the chamber each morning, and he’s there when we leave. We all remember how much affection and devotion he had toward that data privacy bill, so it must have been very traumatizing for him when it was suddenly struck down on a cloture vote. Poor little guy.” Legislators added that the senator still perks up his head whenever he hears a gavel banging in the hope that his beloved bill is being reintroduced on the floor.
Justice Department Calls On Ferguson To Align Level Of Institutional Racism With Rest Of Country #~# WASHINGTON—Describing its policing practices as totally out of step with the nation as a whole, the U.S. Department of Justice called on Ferguson, MO to take immediate action to align its level of institutional racism with the rest of the country, sources said Thursday. “Our findings suggest that Ferguson requires profound changes to its criminal justice system to bring its routine violations of African-American civil rights in line with acceptable amounts present in police precincts across America,” said Attorney General Eric Holder, adding that a top-to-bottom overhaul could be required to square the Ferguson Police Department’s use of illegal searches and unlawful arrests with the remainder of the U.S. “Ferguson simply cannot continue living in a past in which its reliance on intimidation and excessive force flies in the face of reasonable levels of brutality elsewhere in the country.” Holder went on to say that without reform, residents of Ferguson could never hope to treat their police with the same level of mistrust as everyone else.
People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit #~# GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbecue pit. “I noticed some charred remnants of meat on the grate, so I can only assume that someone decided to stop at this rest area during their trip and use this thing to cook up some burgers or chicken,” said Palmeri, surmising that the individual must have consciously chosen to pull off the highway and retrieve meat from their vehicle in order to have a barbecue in front of an overflowing, rusty garbage can and a succession of highway travelers walking to and from the public restroom. “There’s a couple travel plazas they could have stopped at for a quick meal, but I suppose that whoever’s been cooking here brought along charcoal, lighter fluid, and grilling tools because they had planned ahead of time on having maybe an hour-long cookout on this patch of grass between the travel information sign and the woods. Then I guess they just got back on the road.” Palmeri then admitted he was impressed that someone had successfully managed to grill food on the barbecue pit, noting how it was jutting out of the ground at a 75-degree angle.
Wedding Planner Suggests Replacing Unsightly Groom #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Saying that a lot of brides don’t give enough thought to such an important detail and end up regretting it later, local wedding planner Maureen Crompton suggested that her client Ali Peterson consider replacing the unsightly groom she had chosen, sources confirmed Thursday. “Now, I know you have your heart set on this one, but I feel like it clashes with everything else,” said Crompton, adding that while she did not want to pressure Peterson into making the change, she already had in mind a number of other options she would be happy to present to her. “Of course, there’s probably a way to make this one work, but considering the investment you’re making, why take the chance? I know these things seem tedious or nitpicky now, but you’re going to have photos of this for the rest of your life, so you really want to get it right.” Crompton then explained to Peterson that the color of her current choice is “all wrong” and suggested she go with something a shade or two lighter.
Courageous Man Overcomes Woman’s Body Language To Continue Hitting On Her #~# CHICAGO—Displaying the fortitude and mettle of only the most battle-hardened warriors, local man Cory Watts courageously overcame the body language of a woman at O’Houlihan’s Pub to continue hitting on her, sources confirmed Thursday. Reports indicate that despite the woman’s folded arms and total lack of eye contact, the fearless soul bravely pressed on with several pointless anecdotes. While a lesser mortal might have retreated after the woman checked her phone for the fifth time in three minutes, the valiant Watts reportedly summoned the inner strength to offer to buy her a drink once she finished the one she was working on. According to witnesses, the intrepid adventurer then shifted his body in an effort to remain facing her after she began to rotate away, soldiering on to compliment the smile that she had at no point presented to him. As the woman hastily began paying her tab and putting on her coat, sources confirm that the man with the heart of a lion plunged ahead a final time and asked if he could have her phone number.
Report: Cavaliers Players Having Issues Gelling During Postgame Celebrations #~# CLEVELAND—Saying that they still appear disjointed and unsure of themselves, sources within the Cleveland Cavaliers organization revealed Thursday that players are having significant issues gelling during postgame celebrations. “Right now the effort and intensity are definitely there, but we’re having a hard time getting everybody on the court in sync after a 30-point blowout,” said an anonymous team source, noting that although individual performances have often been stellar, the group lacks the rhythm and fluidity of a team that knows everyone’s exact role while giving high-fives and congratulating one another on another commanding win. “LeBron recognizes that he has to occasionally just take control of the situation and give a light-hearted postgame interview praising his team’s dominance over the opposition. At the same time, Kevin Love still has a long way to go to adapt to this team’s celebration style, and role players need to come off the bench and do more to cheer for their teammates after the final buzzer. I would say it’s definitely a work in progress.” Locker room sources expressed confidence, however, that the team has enough time to develop the chemistry needed to eventually put together a great NBA championship parade by June.
Uber Launches Quarterly Print Magazine For Drivers #~# In what some say is an effort to make amends with drivers whose data was stolen and who have complained about working conditions, Uber has launched a new print magazine specifically for their drivers called Momentum, which will feature tips for staying healthy behind the wheel, where to find bathrooms, and more. What do you think?
Frustrated Nation Calls For Updated Zip-Line Infrastructure #~# WASHINGTON—Offering vocal criticism of the aging transit network and its continued failure to meet their transportation needs, frustrated citizens nationwide are calling upon federal officials this week to at long last update the country’s obsolete zip-line infrastructure.
Tips For Living Longer #~# Thanks to better medical care and higher quality of life, human beings are living longer than ever. However, longevity is determined by more than just your genes and living conditions. Here are some things that you can do to extend your lifespan:
Report: Nazi Treasure Hunters Following More Realistic Retirement Plan Than 86% Of Country #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that they are far more likely than their peers to have sufficient savings in their later years, a new study released Wednesday by the National Institute on Retirement Security confirmed that Nazi treasure hunters are currently following a more realistic retirement plan than 86 percent of the country. “After surveying over 30,000 expected retirees, we’ve concluded that those investing their time, money, and energy into expeditions to retrieve rumored stores of Nazi gold are better situated for long-term financial security than the vast majority of middle-aged Americans,” said lead author Roger Crowden, explaining that the typical American retirement investment portfolio was less capable of yielding enough income to support the final 20 years of life than a combination of deciphering codes, exploring abandoned tunnel systems, and arranging dives to the bottom of lakes in the Austrian Alps. “Simply put, endlessly pursuing a hidden Nazi fortress rumored to contain a priceless collection of stolen Renaissance art is infinitely preferable to living off the $125 the average American puts aside every month.” The report follows a related study that found exhaustively searching for an ancestral connection to a royal family remains one of the most practical means of funding your child’s college education.
Hillary Clinton Hints At Presidential Ambitions By Concealing Information From American People #~# WASHINGTON—Fueling further speculation this week that she has her sights set on the Oval Office, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is said to have hinted at her presidential ambitions by concealing a vast trove of information from the American people. “By using a personal email account to keep records out of the hands of investigators and the U.S. populace, Clinton is making it resoundingly clear that she has presidential aspirations,” said political analyst Stuart Rothenberg, adding that Clinton’s efforts to obfuscate basic facts and hide thousands of documents from taxpayers for years on end demonstrate her capacity to successfully perform the duties of the commander-in-chief. “Clinton is showing voters that she’s ready and willing to circumvent regulations in order to keep Americans in the dark on important issues and prevent anyone from uncovering potentially incriminating evidence. This is definitely her most unambiguous declaration of her intentions at a presidential run.” Rothenberg added that Clinton’s flimsy justifications for her actions and her efforts to deflect blame further prove that she will handily win the Democratic nomination in 2016.
Campaign Pushes For Woman On $20 Bill #~# A new nonprofit called Women on 20s is advocating for changing the $20 bill by replacing the face of former president and Indian Removal Act signer Andrew Jackson with that of a woman such as Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, or Susan B. Anthony. What do you think?
Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results #~# MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results. “It’s only been a month since I made the switch, but you can tell how much my body’s changed,” said Jensen, adding that he found himself purchasing a new wardrobe last week after discovering most of his clothes no longer fit him. “I don’t just look different, I feel different. I mean, who knows where I’ll be if I keep this up all year long?” Jensen went on to say that dropping his diet at the same time his wife dropped hers has made it easier on both of them.
Bulls Executives Sickened By Replays Of Derrick Rose Getting Drafted #~# CHICAGO—Calling the video “stomach-turning” and “deeply upsetting,” members of the Chicago Bulls front office were visibly sickened Wednesday after seeing replays of Derrick Rose getting drafted. “It’s hard to watch—you never want to see something like that happen,” said Chicago general manager Gar Forman, grimacing in clear discomfort as he viewed various angles of Rose walking onto the 2008 NBA Draft stage, putting on a Chicago Bulls hat, and shaking hands with David Stern. “I’ve seen it a few times now, and it still makes me cringe. I suppose it’s all part of the game, but God, it’s just awful.” Forman later told reporters that he at least takes some solace in knowing that the situation could have been far worse, pointing to the utterly disturbing footage of Michael Beasley being selected as the second overall pick.
Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial #~# GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than they were depicted in the fast food chain’s commercials. “The Burger King customers looked so good on TV, but when I got here they turned out to be kind of gross,” said Strauss, emphasizing that the sloppy, greasy customers at his local Burger King were considerably less photogenic and enticing than the patrons prominently featured in company advertisements. “They actually look pretty messy and sort of disgusting in person, and you can tell they’ve just been sitting out here all day. I guess there’s a reason they don’t show you these ones in the ads. Ugh.” Strauss added that he tends to stay away from fast food customers in the first place, as he can tell that they’re not very healthy.
Spanish Bar Only Hires Employees Over 50 #~# In an effort to fight wage discrimination, a bar in Barcelona has pledged to only hire experienced workers over 50. What do you think?
DEA Warns Allowing Medical Marijuana May Lead To Stoned Rabbits #~# During testimony in the Utah State Senate about a proposed medical marijuana bill, a DEA agent warned that he has observed rabbits becoming addicted to the plant after eating it at grow sites, getting high all the time and starting to follow humans around. What do you think?
Chinese Citizens Kind Of Grateful To Not Have Access To All Of Internet #~# BEIJING—Asserting that their government’s policy of strict censorship was not completely detrimental, China’s 1.4 billion citizens admitted this week that they are actually kind of grateful to not have access to the entire internet.
Netanyahu Doubles Down Against Obama With PowerPoint On Perils Of Affordable Care Act #~# WASHINGTON—In what is being regarded as a further provocation on top of his already controversial address before Congress, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu doubled down against President Obama Tuesday with a PowerPoint presentation on the perils of the Affordable Care Act. “As you’ll see here in this chart, Obamacare restricts freedom of choice for people who were previously insured through their employers, while simultaneously causing insurance companies to raise their premiums,” said Netanyahu, who according to witnesses had finished his original speech criticizing Obama’s opposition to further Iran sanctions and immediately announced he would be discussing the president’s “fatally flawed and unconstitutional” health care overhaul. “Now, if we click over to the next slide, we see that the individual mandate forces many Americans to purchase insurance policies they cannot afford or simply don’t want. Why should the government be making our health care decisions for us?” At press time, Netanyahu was asking if he might have a few more minutes for an abbreviated version of his PowerPoint on the troubling unanswered questions that still surrounded Benghazi.
You Heard The Hype, Now Try Our Hanging File Folders For Yourself #~# I like to keep my ears to the ground when it comes to office supply and organization chatter, so I know the buzz around our new hanging file folders has reached a fever pitch. In fact, I’ve been in the hanging file folder game for over 30 years, and I’ve never seen anything that even approaches the hype these bad boys have been receiving. But it’s nothing compared to getting your hands on them for yourself.
Man Going To Take Edge Off With Decades-Long Slide Into Alcoholism #~# FRISCO, CO—Loosening his tie upon returning home from a long day of work, local insurance adjuster Patrick Wandel informed reporters Tuesday of his intention to relax and take the edge off with a decades-long slide into alcoholism. “I busted my ass today, and now I just want to take a load off and kick back with a slow, crippling 30-year descent into alcohol addiction,” Wandel said as he sank comfortably into his sofa and the beginnings of a struggle that will one day culminate in a diagnosis of early-onset liver disease. “Nothing helps me unwind like moving one step closer to a chemical dependency that gets progressively worse until reaching a self-destructive climax sometime around middle age.” Wandel later announced plans to reward himself for his hard work by flipping through a stack of takeout menus, picking up the phone, and plunging straight into obesity.
IKEA Introduces Wireless Charging Furniture #~# Swedish furniture retail chain IKEA has announced it will begin selling furniture that charges cell phones wirelessly with charging pad stations that are integrated into desks, tables, lamps, and other furniture. What do you think?
Boyfriend Plans Magical Evening Down To First Detail #~# MANSFIELD, OH—Having proposed that they spend a night out together, the boyfriend of local woman Cassandra Stephenson is said to have planned a magical evening for the two of them down to the very first detail, sources reported Tuesday. “We should do something on Friday,” said boyfriend Bryan Vogel, specifying the day of the week on which they will go out, the sole confirmed aspect of their romantic evening that has actually been planned in advance. “It should be fun.” Sources noted that Vogel’s gesture is his most considerate since Stephenson’s birthday last year, when he treated her to a night on the cheapest part of town.
Report: Middle East Quickly Running Out Of Land Area For Violence To Spill Over To #~# NEW YORK—Confirming that only a few square miles currently remain, a report released Tuesday by the United Nations warned that the Middle East is rapidly running out of available land for violence to spill over to. “As more and more of the region’s land area is consumed by armed struggles such as the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, the war against ISIS, ongoing rebellions in Yemen and Egypt, and widespread strife between Sunni and Shiite Muslims, the available square footage in which these clashes can further spread is becoming increasingly scarce,” said U.N. analyst Philippe Brun, adding that brutal government regimes, religious extremist groups, and sectarian death squads are now spending a considerable amount of their time simply searching for the few remaining placid acres of land in the region in which to expand their violent reach. “If the Middle East’s hostile factions can’t slow down the pace at which their battles are overrunning new territory, we may soon reach a point where the struggle over where to hold future armed conflicts becomes a full-scale war in and of itself.” Brun added that, though the Middle East will soon run out of area in which violence can spread, there would always be plenty of space left for it to intensify.
A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations #~# A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries. Here is a timeline of major events in U.S.-Israel foreign relations:
Stolen Pearl Oscar Dress Revealed To Be Fake #~# A dress that was worn by actress Lupita Nyong’o at the Academy Awards and later stolen from her hotel room, rumored to be made of 6,000 pearls and worth $150,000, was revealed to be a knockoff after the thieves took two of the pearls to be appraised and found them to be fake. What do you think?
Netanyahu Assures Critics He Still Has Utmost Respect For U.S. Money #~# WASHINGTON—In a concerted effort to ease growing tensions between the two nations, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu assured his critics Monday that he still has the utmost respect for U.S. money. “Relations between our two countries have at times been strained, but I promise you all that the entire Israeli government, myself included, still holds a high opinion of the United States’ cash,” said Netanyahu, emphasizing that his speech to Congress was not intended to show any disrespect for American funding whatsoever. “I appreciate everything U.S. money has done for Israel. Though we come at this issue from different perspectives, I have no doubt that we can overcome this disagreement and maintain positive relations between Israel and U.S. economic aid, as we always have.” Netanyahu added that he also maintained great respect for the U.S. military’s weapons.
Teacher Who Dedicates Life To Students Total Fucking Bitch #~# MERIDIAN, ID—Students at Union Junior High School reported Monday that eighth-grade history teacher Evelyn Carmody, a tireless educator who has dedicated her whole life to the vocation of teaching, is a total goddamn bitch. “I fucking hate her,” 14-year-old Scarlett Ramsey said of the woman who not only stays up well past midnight providing individual feedback on each paper she grades, but also sets aside nearly $1,000 of her income each year to buy books and basic supplies for students who can’t afford them. “Give us homework over a three-day weekend? Who does that bitch think she is? I hope she dies.” Sources also stated that eighth-grade English teacher Mark Bradstone, who doesn’t really give a shit about his job and shows up hungover most mornings, is super popular and very cool.
John Boehner Calls For National Guard To Deal With Illegal Immigrants Hiding In Mexico #~# WASHINGTON—Saying it was time to aggressively act before their numbers became too large to control, House Speaker John Boehner called for the National Guard to be deployed to deal with the millions of illegal immigrants currently hiding in Mexico, sources said Monday. “There are more than 120 million illegal immigrants in Mexico, all of whom continue to evade authorities and flout the laws of the United States every day—it’s time to get tough,” said Boehner, conceding that even robust National Guard intervention may be insufficient to deter the growth of undocumented workers living south of the border. “We need the strongest measures possible if we’re to have any hope of keeping illegal immigrants in Mexico City or Juarez from simply gobbling up American jobs.” Boehner went on to say that his remarks applied only to illegal immigrants and not to Mexicans who chose to live in Mexico lawfully.
Study: Feeding Infants Peanut Products Could Reduce Childhood Allergies #~# A new study has found that exposing babies to peanut products may reduce their risk of developing allergies to peanut-containing foods later on, challenging the idea of keeping kids away from them. What do you think?
Report: ESPN Coverage Displays Clear Bias Toward Shitty Reporting #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Following a comprehensive 18-month study of programming trends and journalistic practices at the network, a report published Monday by the Center for Media and Public Affairs revealed that the majority of ESPN’s news coverage demonstrates an obvious bias toward shitty reporting. “Our researchers quickly identified a distinct and unmistakable tendency in ESPN’s presentation of stories clearly favoring overly simplistic, totally sensationalized garbage that barely passes as journalism,” said the report’s lead author, Megan Riordan, adding that the media organization’s bias is particularly blatant during its coverage of significant breaking news events. “Indeed, it appears that ESPN has a calculated agenda to promote the most mind-numbingly repetitive and obnoxiously self-indulgent reporting imaginable, meanwhile devoting very little time to well-thought-out, carefully written stories about issues of actual substance in the sports world. There’s a glaring conflict of interest here, and it’s crucial for viewers to be aware of it.” Reached for comment, ESPN officials refused to respond to any allegations of bias, instead stating that First Take airs weekdays on ESPN2 at 10 a.m. EST.
Man Anxiously Scanning Bar’s Reaction To Jukebox Selection #~# CHICAGO—Saying he hoped his choice would not kill the room’s vibe, sources confirmed Thursday night that local man Jared Chambers was anxiously scanning fellow patrons at Collin’s Tavern to judge the reaction to his recent jukebox selection. “I think this is a pretty safe song, but I don’t know,” said Chambers, who reportedly appeared visibly relieved after seeing several people briefly nod along to the opening notes. “Nobody got really excited, but it doesn’t seem like anybody hates it, either. I think, at worst, some people just don’t care either way, and I guess I can live with that.” At press time, Chambers’ confidence in his song was suddenly destroyed after seeing another patron briskly get up and begin quickly flipping through the jukebox song catalogue.
Report: Average Person Spends 18 Hours Standing At Bar Deciding What To Drink #~# COLLEGE PARK, MD—Explaining how the decision-making process is complicated by the often wide variety of available options, a report issued by the University of Maryland Tuesday concluded that the average person spends approximately 18 hours standing at the bar agonizing over what to order every time they go up for a drink. “When deciding what to order, our research shows that being forced to choose from even just a handful of cocktail and draft beer options will keep most bar patrons crippled with indecision for nearly an entire day,” said lead researcher Lynne Anderson, adding that even individuals who approach the bar with a specific order firmly in mind are immediately thrown into an extended period of internal debate upon noticing a chalkboard listing various happy hour specials. “And that’s just a conservative estimate. In fact, the time spent going back and forth between two or three drink options could easily double if the individual overhears another patron purchasing a round of shots or asking about seasonal offerings.” The report also confirmed that an indecisive customer will remain fixed in place indefinitely in the event that a large crowd of impatient bar-goers has formed behind him.
Report: Many Americans Not Watching Enough Television To Make Worthwhile Contribution To Small Talk #~# WASHINGTON—Citing the trend’s negative impact on individuals’ ability to effectively socialize, a report published Monday by the Federal Communications Commission revealed that a growing number of Americans are not watching enough TV to contribute meaningfully to small talk. “Our findings suggest that a substantial subset of U.S. citizens have not viewed enough primetime programming and therefore haven’t formed cogent opinions about the latest contestants on The Voice or the plotline of Scandal, resulting in weakened exchanges with family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances,” said lead author Heather Kessler, noting that a troubling percentage of those studied had gone up to an entire week without watching any network dramas, acclaimed cable series, or streaming-service-only programs, leaving them woefully ill-equipped to add anything of substance to conversations during lunch outings or in office hallways. “In fact, the average American was, at most, capable of remarking that they had heard really good things about Empire but hadn’t yet gotten around to watching it. In order to be fit for everyday breakroom discussion, nightly consumption of multiple hit shows is highly recommended—or, failing that, a cursory scan of online recaps.” Kessler went on to stress the importance of reversing this trend, as lapsed audiences were statistically more likely to pass the conversationally disastrous habit of not viewing TV on to their children.
Raiders Considering Taking Chance On Prospect With Zero Off-Field Incidents #~# CHICAGO—Noting that it would be a swift departure from the organization’s past draft strategy, sources within the Oakland Raiders front office confirmed Thursday that the team is considering taking a chance on an NFL prospect with no off-field incidents. “The Raiders are indeed looking at selecting a young wide receiver despite being fully aware of the zero red flags regarding his character and attitude,” said ESPN analyst Adam Schefter, adding that, given the player’s clean criminal record and unblemished public reputation, Raiders coaches and scouts invited him to numerous face-to-face meetings this week in order to determine whether he would ultimately be a good fit for the team. “There are actually a few guys in this year’s draft who are undeniably talented and would address Oakland’s needs, but have no prior history of arrests or off-field issues, so it will be interesting to see whether the Raiders end up gambling on them or not.” At press time, the Raiders have reportedly opted to hedge their bets and wait to see if the player is still available in the draft’s later rounds.
Mel Kiper Seeks Blind Oracle’s Prophecy Of Browns’ First-Round Pick #~# HINDU KUSH MOUNTAINS—Venturing thousands of miles to reach the remote mountain village where the ancient soothsayer was rumored to be found, ESPN analyst Mel Kiper sought out the sage counsel of blind oracle Jayashri in hopes of determining the Cleveland Browns’ first-round pick in the NFL draft, sources confirmed Thursday. “Will Mike Pettine target his team’s needs on the offensive line and seek a highly ranked edge blocker, or will he risk his first pick on a promising wideout in an effort to build a more pass-heavy offense?” Kiper reportedly inquired while kneeling before the white-eyed, 107-year-old “Seer of the Light,” who was adorned with a necklace of desiccated bones and warmed her open palm over a fire of white flames. “Or, as others have prophesied, will Cleveland abandon Johnny Manziel and trade its first-round picks for a chance at gaining Marcus Mariota at quarterback? Please, Mother Jayashri, grant me your invaluable wisdom before the live broadcast of Draft Countdown on ESPN.” At press time, a desperate Kiper could be overheard offering the blood of his first-born child in order to learn how many wide receivers would go in the first round.
McDonald’s Axes 7 Sandwiches In ‘Menu Simplification’ #~# McDonald’s has announced it will undergo “menu simplification” by dropping seven sandwiches, as well as honey mustard and chipotle barbecue snack wraps, from its menu in an effort to speed up service and streamline ordering. What do you think?
Who Is Bernie Sanders? #~# Independent Vermont senator and self-proclaimed “democratic socialist” Bernie Sanders officially declared his candidacy in the 2016 election Thursday. Here’s what you need to know about the presidential hopeful:
Aerospace Engineers Warn First-Grader’s Design For Spaceship Completely Unsafe #~# MONROEVILLE, PA—Listing off a litany of structural and technological flaws, the nation’s leading aerospace engineers issued a stern warning Thursday that local 6-year-old Bradley Koenig’s design for a spaceship is entirely unsafe.
Study Finds Majority Of Urban Households Located In Roller Rink Deserts #~# ITHACA, NY—Confirming that most inner-city residents have gone their entire lives without sufficient access to blacklight skating or Skate-’N’-Celebrate birthday parties, an alarming study published this week by Cornell University revealed that the majority of urban households in the U.S. are located in roller rink deserts. “When we overlaid the locations of the nation’s roller skating rinks onto maps of American metropolitan areas, we were shocked to find that families living in city centers are often forced to travel four or five times as far as their peers in suburban areas for access to adequate indoor skating facilities,” said the report’s lead author, Alexa Shafer, citing evidence that nearly two-thirds of children in urban zones live five miles or more from the nearest locations with weekday open skates or “Saturday At The ’70s” disco nights. “Many people in these areas have no choice but to take multiple forms of public transit—often making as many as three bus transfers—to get to such family-friendly entertainment. And the few skate centers that do cater to these isolated areas are often understaffed, feature outdated music, do not have a mirrored ball mounted above the rink, and may have only a single claw game machine on the premises instead of an attached arcade room.” Shafer noted that for many families in urban centers, it was simply a fact of life that they had no options for wholesome family fun other than a handful of meager, unsatisfactory cosmic bowling locations.
Report: U.S. Zoos Letting Elephants Die Out #~# According to a report from the Associated Press, zoos across the country are opting to let their elephant populations die off instead of replacing them, in part because it’s hard to provide enough space and in part because new national guidelines make it tougher to maintain good-sized herds. What do you think?
Report: It Apparently Time In Conversation To Smile, Laugh #~# YOUR LOCATION—Based on the posture and facial expressions of those around you, incoming reports indicate that this is apparently the point in the conversation where you should be smiling and letting out a friendly chuckle. Sources with direct knowledge of the situation confirmed that, given all available evidence, now would also be an appropriate time for you to make eye contact with the person speaking, grin slightly, and say either the word “yeah” or “mm-hmm.” Furthermore, because visual accounts suggest that the other people in the room seem to be in agreement about what’s being discussed, it would reportedly benefit you to nod your head once or twice so as not to stand out from the rest of the group and draw attention to yourself. As of press time, late-breaking developments in group members’ demeanor had confirmed that it was safe to resume not paying any attention at all.
Putin Starts Off Morning By Sitting Down To Write The Day’s News #~# MOSCOW—Saying he can’t imagine beginning his day without the pages spread out on his kitchen table, Russian president Vladimir Putin told reporters Thursday that he starts off each morning by sitting down to write the day’s news. “Every day before I go to work, I like to come downstairs, have a cup of coffee, and jot down some stories for my state-run media outlets,” said the Russian leader, adding that he occasionally only has time to scribble the front-page headlines when he’s in a hurry. “I typically start off writing whatever the big national and political news should be and then maybe work my way over to smaller stuff. As an autocratic ruler, I just think it’s my responsibility to manipulate what’s going on in the world.” Putin went on to say that he always looks forward to spending hours really sinking his teeth into manufacturing the news on Sundays.
Report: Apple Watch Doesn’t Work Well On Tattooed Wrists #~# According to emerging reports from users, the new Apple Watch doesn’t work as well when worn on tattooed wrists because the ink causes the sensors to repeatedly ask for security codes, misread heart rates, interfere with apps, and make other errors. What do you think?
Pros And Cons Of The Greek System #~# College communities across the nation have become more divided over the merits of Greek life on campus, with advocates saying that it promotes friendship and charity, and critics arguing that it can lead to hazing, underage drinking, and other dangerous activities. Here are some pros and cons of having Greek systems at colleges:
Jameis Winston Wows Teams With Ability To Tell Them Exactly What They Want To Hear #~# CHICAGO—With prospective players undergoing a final round of interviews and visits ahead of this week’s NFL Draft, sources revealed Wednesday that teams have been totally blown away by the ability of Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston to tell them exactly what they want to hear. “All of the GMs and coaches who talked to him were incredibly impressed after seeing Jameis so skillfully deliver the precise pandering answers they’d hoped for about maturing as a person and focusing solely on football,” said ESPN draft analyst Todd McShay, adding that the 21-year-old was “calm, composed, and totally in his element” while detailing his commitment to staying out of trouble and being a responsible team member. “He’s just such a natural at hitting every one of the generic, meaningless lines of rhetoric about personal growth, putting his past indiscretions behind him, and working hard to become the best quarterback in the league. It’s precisely what coaches were looking for.” McShay added that while Winston is still very young, there is widespread optimism around the league that he will easily transition to playing down his glaring character issues in the pros.
Nation On Edge As Court Votes Whether To Legalize Gay Marriage Now Or In A Few Years #~# WASHINGTON—Anxiously anticipating the Supreme Court’s decision on the issue, the nation was reportedly on edge Wednesday as it waited to see whether the court would legalize gay marriage now or in a few years. “Americans are standing by with bated breath while the justices decide whether to recognize same-sex couples immediately or in two or three years when public opinion has shifted even more overwhelmingly in favor of gay marriage,” said legal analyst Jermaine Masse, adding that whether the court would legalize gay marriage at once or merely very soon was still too close to call at this time. “At this very moment, nine individuals are deciding whether to fundamentally alter this country’s definition of marriage right away or by the end of 2018, latest. What’s at stake is nothing less than a 24- to 36-month delay on same-sex marriage being the law of the land.” Masse went on to say that the fact that the nation’s highest court agreed to hear the case in the first place signaled that it was prepared to reject the more conservative notion that gay marriage could wait until the end of the decade.
Nation Just Hoping Next President Can Prevent Country’s Decline From Being Totally Humiliating #~# WASHINGTON—As momentum builds toward the 2016 election, citizens across the nation told reporters this week they simply hope the next president of the United States can prevent the country’s decline from being an utterly humiliating experience for the American public.
Baltimore Residents Urged To Stay Indoors Until Social Progress Naturally Takes Its Course Over Next Century #~# BALTIMORE—Calling it an emergency measure designed to ensure public safety and order, Baltimore officials held a press conference Wednesday urging all residents to stay indoors until the natural evolution of social progress takes shape over the next century. “Given the ongoing situation in our city, we ask that everyone remain within their homes for the next 10 or 12 decades while the various barriers to equality and opportunity for all people are slowly chipped away,” said Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, adding that, in addition to shutting down public schools and the transportation system, the city had canceled work for all nonessential government employees while they wait for the arrival of fully protected civil rights and liberties expected sometime in the 22nd century. “As we continue to incrementally evolve into a completely free and fair society over the next 100 years, please do not venture outside unless it is absolutely necessary. Those who go out onto our streets before our social, economic, and political structures have undergone gradual reform over the course of several generations are doing so at their own risk.” Rawlings-Blake then encouraged residents to visit the city’s website for further information regarding what to do as they await the year 2115.
Authorities Believe Man Radicalized While Serving 18 Years In Congress #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that being confined in such a volatile environment was known to have devastating psychological repercussions, FBI officials reported Wednesday that Ohio man Patrick Kinsey had apparently become radicalized during his 18 years spent inside of the U.S. Congress. “We’ve uncovered evidence that leads us to believe this elected official became heavily influenced by hardline extremists and religious fanatics during his time serving in the country’s legislative branch,” said FBI spokesperson Irene Jessup, adding that the representative appeared to have fallen in with a powerful fundamentalist faction during his first days in the congressional chamber and quickly adopted their strict interpretation of a fringe ideology. “While he may have arrived as a seemingly ordinary moderate, we believe he’s been completely indoctrinated in this rigid mindset and is currently recruiting others to join him and take up radical causes. At this time, his worldview has become so narrowed that he responds to any outside beliefs with apocalyptic rhetoric and by making grandiose threats.” Jessup further revealed that it was clear the political extremist was fully intent on bringing about the total destruction of the U.S. government.
Increasing Number Of Couples Now Using Surrogates To Have, Raise Baby #~# SEATTLE—Describing it as an increasingly popular option for those seeking to start a family, a report released Wednesday by the University of Washington found that a growing number of couples are choosing to use a surrogate to have and raise their baby. “According to our research, more and more couples are seeking out surrogates to carry their child to birth and then to continue looking after it from infancy through adolescence,” said lead researcher Megan Tooley, adding that many parents look for a non-smoking, non-drinking surrogate who is in good health and who also possesses positive values and personality traits that can be instilled in their child over the next 18 years. “Parents will often spend considerable time vetting a surrogacy candidate’s age, lifestyle, genetic predisposition to disease, complications during previous pregnancies, finances, place of residence, disciplinary style, and school district. Once they’ve made a selection, they’ll typically check in with their surrogate at key points throughout the pregnancy, birth, and childhood until their son or daughter has grown into a young adult.” Tooley went on to note that in many cases, surrogates often become too attached to the child and have difficulties giving it up after carrying it to term, raising it, and then sending it off to college.
First Kid To Wake Up At Slumber Party Gets Exclusive Look At Friend’s Mom’s Morning Routine #~# KATONAH, NY—Catching sight of a bathrobe-clad figure tiptoeing around the kitchen as he awoke on the nearby living room floor, early-rising slumber party guest Caleb Robbins, 9, confirmed Sunday that he had been granted an exclusive look at his friend Noah’s mom’s morning routine. “First, she turned on the coffee machine, and then she went over to the door and let the dog out into the backyard,” said Robbins, who noted that from his vantage point lying horizontally in his sleeping bag, he was able to discern that the woman’s 6:30 a.m. ritual also included looking out the window at the birds for several minutes, slowly sipping her coffee, and letting the dog back in. “After that, she turned the radio on really soft and sat at the table looking at the newspaper. And she filled the dog’s water bowl, too.” Roughly a dozen minutes after he first woke up, sources reported that Robbins quickly shut his eyes and pretended to be asleep as the woman’s morning routine had shifted from straightening up the kitchen to doing her posture exercises.
London Shop Relaunching Breast Milk Ice Cream In Honor Of Royal Baby #~# In an effort to highlight the benefits of breastfeeding and celebrate the upcoming birth of the new royal baby, Licktators, an ice cream store in London, is relaunching its line of ice cream made with breast milk, called Royal Baby Gaga. What do you think?
Man Boldly Declares This Must-Win Game #~# RIVERSIDE, CA—In an audacious and daring proclamation before Game 5 of the first-round playoff series between the Spurs and Clippers, local 31-year-old Doug Corrigan boldly declared Tuesday that it is a must-win game for Los Angeles, sources confirmed. “The whole season comes down to this—it’s basically win or go home,” said Corrigan, who was reportedly fearless—some would say heroic—while delivering his grand assertion that without a victory, the Clippers’ championship aspirations are all but over. “If they end up having to go back to San Antonio for Game 6, they lose all their momentum, and then that’s it—series over. It’s all or nothing tonight.” At press time, Corrigan truly went out on a limb upon declaring that Clippers star players Blake Griffin and Chris Paul will have to leave everything out there in order for their team to win.
Professor Fails Entire Class For Bad Behavior #~# Saying that he reached his breaking point after students repeatedly threatened him, swore, and cheated on their assignments, a professor at Texas A&M Galveston reportedly failed an entire class by reprimanding them in a long letter, then quit his job. What do you think?
Delusional Man Turning Off Laptop Like He’s Done With It For Night #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Demonstrating how fully he had lost touch with reality, delusional man Jamie Farragut reportedly began turning off his laptop computer Tuesday at approximately 9:45 p.m. as if he were actually finished with it for the night.
I Only Like Movies Where The Whole Cast Dances In A Little Box Next To The End Credits #~# You could say I have pretty high standards when it comes to movies. More often than not, I leave the theater feeling disappointed, sometimes having enjoyed a film right up until its ending, which is the moment when so many motion pictures fall short for me. That’s because the only films with real movie magic, the ones that truly move me, are the ones in which the whole cast performs a choreographed dance number in a little box next to the credits.
Abercrombie & Fitch No Longer Placing Shirtless Models Outside Stores #~# As part of its ongoing effort to revamp its image and modernize, clothing retailer Abercrombie & Fitch announced it will no longer place shirtless male models outside stores as greeters. What do you think?
Man Proud Of Food He Ordered #~# DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse was very proud of the food he ordered. “I’m glad I got this,” said Schoesse, who reportedly nodded with self-approval when the waitress set down the heavily laden plate, and subsequently took further delight in the reaction of a dining companion who singled out his meal by remarking, “Ooh, that looks good.” “The menu has a lot of stuff, but I knew I wanted this one. This was a good choice to get.” At press time, the pleased man was looking on with heartfelt pity at a woman in an adjacent booth who had made the mistake of ordering a less appealing entrée.
Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu #~# EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu. “They really just have two paninis that are pretty much identical except for one being ham and one being turkey,” said customer Kelsey Gibbard, referring to the sandwiches listed under the achingly sad words “We Now Serve Lunch Until 2!” “Looks like they even have a couple bags of potato chips on a tiny rack by the register and—this kills me—two mixed green salads in an otherwise empty mini-fridge. I’m not sure I can bear this.” At press time, Gibbard confirmed that the lone soup offering that appeared on the menu the first week had been permanently erased.
College Encourages Lively Exchange Of Idea #~# Students, Faculty Invited To Freely Express Single Viewpoint
Conservative Group: Gay Marriage Will Lead To 900,000 Abortions #~# In anticipation of the Supreme Court’s upcoming ruling on same-sex marriage, a Utah lawyer filed an amicus brief on behalf of 100 conservative “scholars of marriage” arguing that legalizing gay marriage will cause 900,000 abortions because it will devalue the institution, leading to fewer couples marrying and resulting in a greater number of single women, who have higher abortion rates than their married peers. What do you think?
Baby Has Sinking Feeling He Left Home Without Oversize Multicolor Plastic Keys #~# ROCKFORD, IL—Patting down his onesie with mounting concern, local 8-month-old Joshua McManus was reportedly overcome by a sharp, sinking feeling Monday upon realizing he had left home without his oversize multicolor plastic keys. “Oh, no—you have got to be kidding me,” McManus reportedly thought to himself, his stomach dropping as he wondered how he could possibly make it through the day without his large ring of blue, pink, yellow, and green keys. “Ah, for crying out loud. I got so wrapped up in that game of peekaboo with Dada before I headed out that I must have totally spaced on grabbing them. I bet they’re still sitting there on the activity table right next to my phone-on-wheels. I’m such an idiot.” At press time, a visibly frustrated McManus had vowed to himself that he would never leave the house again without making sure he had picked up his colorful set of keys and explicitly placed them in his mouth.
Amazon Testing Car Trunk Delivery #~# Amazon is testing a new delivery service in Munich, Germany that would allow customers to order products from its website and have them delivered to the trunk of their Audi car if they are at work or otherwise unavailable to accept the package. What do you think?
Woman Can’t Wait To Get Home And Take Off Uncomfortable Persona #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Counting down the minutes until she could finally kick back and relax, local woman Courtney Porter told reporters Monday that she couldn’t wait to get home and take off her uncomfortable persona. “I hate having to put this thing on in the morning and keep it on all day long—the second I walk through my front door, off it goes,” said Porter, adding that she looked forward to being able to finally unwind once she shed the constricting personality traits she dons for work. “It’s irritating, it barely fits me, and I have to throw on the same one every single day. I only do it because everyone else at my office does.” At press time, Porter could be seen easing into a well-worn and casual identity she would never dare leave the house in.
Excited CIA Director Can’t Wait To Declassify Last Night’s Incredible Mission In Middle East #~# ‘You Guys Are Gonna Love This One When It Comes Out,’ Says Agency Head
Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled #~# RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there. “Jesus Christ, are they going to yank this kid or just let them keep teeing off on him?” said spectator Chris Wheeler, who added that even the smallest batters on the opposing team have gone yard on the helpless fifth-grader. “I mean, he can barely lob his pitches over home plate. Poor little bastard. I feel bad that his parents have to sit through this.” At press time, an opposing baserunner had successfully stolen second after the catcher sent the ball sailing into center field for the fifth consecutive time.
Native American Actors Walk Off Set Of Adam Sandler Movie #~# Numerous Native American actors reportedly walked off the set of the new Adam Sandler movie The Ridiculous Six due to the film’s offensive material, including jokes about Apache women named “Beaver’s Breath” and “No Bra.” What do you think?
Tips For Going Green #~# As climate change, pollution, and population growth continue to damage the environment, it’s more important than ever for consumers to make eco-friendly decisions and practice green habits. Here are some tips for going green:
Best Playoff Performances In NBA History #~# With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history.
Gym Teacher Devises Elaborate Sport From Handful Of Foam Cubes, Scooters, Plastic Mats #~# MIDDLETON, WI—Spending the first 15 minutes of class providing an overview of the game’s litany of complicated rules, local ninth-grade gym teacher Marcus Hartwell invented an elaborate sport Friday using just foam cubes, scooters, and plastic mats, sources confirmed. “All right, guys, so to score in Jammer Ball, you need to shoot the foam blocks at the other team’s mat,” said Hartwell, adding that teams receive one point for cubes landing on either the left or right sections of the large blue folding mat, and three points if a cube lands in the middle. “If you fall off your scooter, then you’re out, unless your goalie catches a cube thrown by the other team and tags you back in. And if you shoot a cube into the basketball hoop, you automatically win. Okay, let’s count off by fours and make teams.” At press time, after students had expressed some initial indifference and confusion, the game had reportedly gotten so intense that Hartwell had to separate two ninth-graders on the verge of fighting after pushing one another off their scooters.
Report: Income Inequality Most Apparent During Fifth-Grade Classmate’s Birthday Party #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Explaining that such events provide crucial insight into the country’s distribution of wealth, a report issued Friday by the National Bureau of Economic Research reveals that income inequality in the United States is most apparent when attending a fifth-grade classmate’s birthday party.
Content Writer Awkwardly Shows Parents Around Website Where He Works #~# NEW YORK—Finally giving in to their requests to visit his place of employment, local content writer Adam Lundey awkwardly showed his parents around the website where he works, sources confirmed Thursday. “This is the home page, which is like the main area, but I generally spend most of my day to the side in the blog—that guy Doug I might’ve mentioned has that post right by mine,” said Lundey, whose tour of his workplace also included brief stops at the About Us page and the links index. “Over here’s the masthead, where most of the managers and VPs are. And, if you really want, I can take you guys to the back-end development system, but I usually don’t get over there very much.” At press time, despite their son’s protests, Lundey’s parents were insisting on dropping by the comments section.
Arizona State Offering ‘Pay-As-You-Pass’ College Courses #~# Arizona State University has announced a new program allowing students to enroll in freshman online courses and pay for a class only if they pass and plan to use the credits, which will help them reduce the risk of going into huge debt. What do you think?
Visit Home Reveals Parents Currently Watching Previously Undiscovered Game Show #~# MOBILE, AL—Saying that the program's flashing lights and rapid-fire question-and-answer rounds were unlike anything previously known to humanity, 24-year-old Adam Green told reporters Friday that he had found his parents watching an entirely undiscovered game show during his trip home Friday. “I have no idea what that show was—some sort of timed competition—but they seemed pretty into it, and Mom was even yelling out answers and commenting on all the prizes,"  said Green, noting that his parents were eager to inform him how several earlier contestants had been ousted from the program during an elimination round, a seemingly involved process that, despite careful analysis, Green himself had no basis for understanding. “It was impossible to tell if the show was new or if it was running in syndication. And I didn't catch the show's name, but I think it was something like Grab The Money or maybe Quizbusters. I know the host was named 'Alec,' but that's about it.” Green noted that this was the most intriguing development since his discovery in 2013 that his parents each apparently possessed a never-before-documented brand of smartphone.
Visit Home Reveals Parents Currently Watching Previously Undiscovered Game Show #~# MOBILE, AL—Saying that the program's flashing lights and rapid-fire question-and-answer rounds were unlike anything previously known to humanity, 24-year-old Adam Green told reporters Friday that he had found his parents watching an entirely undiscovered game show during his trip home Friday. “I have no idea what that show was—some sort of timed competition—but they seemed pretty into it, and Mom was even yelling out answers and commenting on all the prizes,"  said Green, noting that his parents were eager to inform him how several earlier contestants had been ousted from the program during an elimination round, a seemingly involved process that, despite careful analysis, Green himself had no basis for understanding. “It was impossible to tell if the show was new or if it was running in syndication. And I didn't catch the show's name, but I think it was something like Grab The Money or maybe Quizbusters. I know the host was named 'Alec,' but that's about it.” Green noted that this was the most intriguing development since his discovery in 2013 that his parents each apparently possessed a never-before-documented brand of smartphone.
Ben Affleck: I Was ‘Embarrassed’ By Slave-Owner Ancestor #~# Actor Ben Affleck admitted that he lobbied producers of the PBS series Finding Your Roots to cover up the fact that one of his ancestors owned slaves because he was embarrassed, though he later recanted and agreed to include the information. What do you think?
YouTube Turns 10 #~# On April 23, 2005, three former PayPal employees started a video-sharing site called YouTube, which has since grown into an influential media platform with over 1 billion users. Here are some milestones from the website’s history:
New TSA Precheck Program Offers Expedited Interrogations For Muslim Passengers #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to streamline the process for qualifying travelers, officials from the Transportation Security Administration introduced a new precheck program Thursday that provides expedited interrogations for Muslim passengers. “Whenever I fly, there’s always a long wait in line before I get pulled aside for a security check and ushered into a back room where I’m grilled about my identity and background; but for just $120 and a short appointment, all of that waiting is removed, and I can skip straight to being questioned at length by law enforcement,” said Akron, OH resident Asma Soubra, who, along with other accepted applicants in the program, will be allowed to bypass other passengers and proceed immediately to a small, windowless interrogation room in the airport where officers will take turns attempting to pin extremist sympathies onto her. “I used to have to get to the airport so early to make sure I could get through the line and then all the intrusive searches of my belongings and the inquiries about my travel plans, religious values, and political beliefs. Now, I just show up four hours before my flight, jump ahead of everyone else, go right into the holding cell for a few hours of invasive examination, and then I’m on my way.” TSA officials also confirmed they were planning to offer the expedited interrogations to non-Muslim travelers who simply look like they are from the Middle East.
High School Student Taking Rejection From First-Choice College In Stride As If Future Not Over #~# HAGERSTOWN, MD—Apparently oblivious to the dire implications of the news he had just received, North Hagerstown High School senior Kevin Grant took his rejection from his first-choice college in stride as if his entire future were not over, sources confirmed Thursday.
Pharmaceutical Rep Assures Doctor He Personally Tries Every Drug He Promotes #~# NEW YORK—Saying he could vouch for the quality of every one of his company’s products, Eli Lilly pharmaceutical sales representative Geoffrey Klein reportedly assured a local primary care physician Thursday that he personally tries every single drug he promotes. “I’ve sampled each one of these, from the statins to the protease inhibitors, and I can honestly tell you that they’re all top-notch,” said Klein, adding that he only had positive things to say after trying out the osteoporosis medication Evista and the diabetes treatment Humulin. “Look, I popped a 100-milligram Seconal tablet a few hours ago before I came here, and I have to say, so far so good. And that one for pediatric growth disorders does a bang-up job. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.” At press time, Klein reportedly admitted that he had tried Bristol-Myers Squibb’s cancer drug Sprycel and was underwhelmed.
Entire Week Of Sports Passes Without One Person Making Play #~# BRISTOL, CT—Noting that they had continued watching various games with the hope that something noteworthy would eventually happen, millions of sports fans expressed their disappointment Friday after an entire week passed without a single athlete making a play. “At no point over the past seven days have we seen a pro or college athlete from any sport do something that could even remotely be considered a highlight,” said SportsCenter anchor Linda Cohn, adding that the hundreds of sporting events in the U.S. and around the world did not feature even one slam dunk, goal, save, acrobatic catch, stolen base, last-second buzzer-beater, home run, triple, double, or single. “I mean, right now our ‘Top 10 Plays’ countdown just has a few NBA stars shooting free throws and some high school tennis player from Florida hitting a serve into play. Hopefully, somebody will at least turn a double play or score a tough three-pointer this weekend, but at this rate, it’s hard to say.” Cohn went on to state that despite the unfortunate lull, the week had still managed to produce the usual number of brutal, horrifying sports injuries.
Maybelline Introduces Line Of Injectable Makeup To Enhance Appearance Of Internal Organs #~# NEW YORK—Saying that women no longer need to settle for plain, drab internal tissue, the cosmetics brand Maybelline introduced a new line of injectable makeup this week to enhance the appearance of wearers’ organs. “With our new injectable makeup options, women can finally have the type of flawless, gorgeous-looking digestive and cardiopulmonary systems they’ve always wanted,” said Maybelline spokesperson Diane Moss, adding that women will soon be able to use a 10cc Maybelline syringe to apply their new set of cosmetics, which currently include a “bold and flirty” line of lung shadow; blood vessel mascara for thicker, longer capillaries; and spleen foundation to cover unsightly blemishes and provide a smooth, even look to the lymphoid organ. “Our selection of over 300 shades of heartstick ensures that women will be able to find the perfect color and level of shimmer to enhance their atria and ventricles for nearly any occasion. And the youthful definition that comes from a quick thoracic injection of pancreas rouge is certain to provide women a boost of confidence before they step out the door each morning.” Moss added that Maybelline would also cater to those women looking for a more natural look by introducing an injectible line of products designed to conceal the fact that they’re even wearing organ makeup at all.
Entire Treasury Department Competing For Same Goldman Sachs Job Opening #~# NEW YORK—Saying the company has received hundreds of résumés since posting the job opening to its website earlier this week, Goldman Sachs human resources manager David Browning reported Thursday that a high-level position with the investment bank had attracted applications from every official in the United States Treasury Department. “Within just minutes of listing the open position on our jobs page, the flood of applications from treasury.gov email addresses started rolling in, and it hasn’t slowed down since,” said Browning, adding that most of the Treasury regulators who applied for the job highlighted their previous experience working closely with Wall Street financial firms and included a letter of recommendation from former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. “All these applicants must realize what tough competition they’re up against, but at the same time, I remember how it was back when I was just another government official who was ready to make the move to the private sector. We’ll definitely keep the information of those candidates who don’t get the job on file for future openings.” Browning added that the new hire was needed to take over the responsibilities of a former Goldman Sachs executive who had recently left for a high-ranking position in the Securities and Exchange Commission.
Study: Vaccines Don’t Cause Autism Even In High-Risk Kids #~# Confirming previous studies that have shown there is no link between vaccines and autism, a new study has found that even kids at a higher risk of developing autism, such as those with autism in the family, were no more likely to develop autism after being vaccinated. What do you think?
Report: New NFL Stadium In Los Angeles Could Create Thousands Of Local Law Enforcement Jobs #~# CARSON, CA—Following the approval of plans for a proposed $1.7 billion NFL stadium just south of the city, a new report released Wednesday by the Los Angeles County Economic Development Corporation revealed that the new venue is poised to generate thousands of jobs for local law enforcement officers. “Given its location near downtown and the potential to house over 80,000 fans, the stadium would create over 10,000 full-time employment opportunities for the Los Angeles Police Department,” said report author Ken Strootman, who added that, given the potential of two NFL teams moving to the city, the stadium would also inject millions of dollars in annual revenue for companies selling riot gear, pepper spray, tear gas, collapsible steel batons, and tasers. “Once construction is completed, there would be an immediate demand for several new and significantly larger police stations, not to mention a sweeping expansion in the number of holding cells either inside the stadium itself or located in the surrounding area. Just purely from an economic standpoint, this would provide a massive boost to the city.” Strootman went on to say that the stadium would support a sharp and lasting increase in labor for local Los Angeles SWAT teams.
Report: Teens Injuring Lips Doing ‘Kylie Jenner Challenge’ #~# Reports have emerged that a Twitter hashtag trend called the “Kylie Jenner Challenge,” which involves suctioning the lips with a bottle or other object to achieve pouty lips like those of reality star Kylie Jenner, has led many people to develop bruising, inflammation, cuts, and other dangerous facial injuries. What do you think?
Pros And Cons Of Going To Grad School #~# While graduate school is often touted as a way to specialize in a given field and increase earning power, opponents argue it can put students into debt without helping them get better jobs. Here are some pros and cons of going to grad school:
Houseguest Asks If Host Has Blanket That’s Never Been Washed He Can Use #~# WHITE PLAINS, NY—Expressing hope that the request wouldn’t be too much of a hassle, houseguest Brian Olson reportedly asked his friend Kyle Gwinn last night if he could borrow a blanket that has never once been washed. “It’d be great if I could just get a blanket that’s been used by 10 previous guests that no one has ever bothered to clean at any time,” said Olson, adding that he would be happy to take any stained quilt or musty comforter that has been crumpled up on the closet floor next to the vacuum for the past half decade or more. “If you have a somewhat-soiled blanket that you used to soak up melting snow from winter boots or that you put on top of the car to have a layer between the roof and your Christmas tree, that’d be great. Or even just a filthy old blanket you used as a bed for a sick, elderly cat for several months. Thanks.” Olson, who also inquired about taking a shower, was reportedly offered a fraying, damp towel hanging on a doorknob.
Tim Tebow Figures Ingraining Himself In Philadelphia Charity Scene Best Shot Of Sticking With Team #~# PHILADELPHIA—Days after being signed to a one-year contract with the Eagles, quarterback Tim Tebow admitted to reporters Wednesday that firmly ingraining himself in Philadelphia’s charity scene probably constitutes his best shot of remaining with the team long-term. “If I want to still be here beyond training camp, I’ll have to be seriously involved with as many charities and nonprofits as possible right from the get-go,” said Tebow, noting that he plans on committing his time to various children’s hospitals and food banks, as well as to every single one of the city’s Ronald McDonald House locations, in hopes of becoming a beloved, indispensable member of the Philadelphia community. “There’s no way this will last for more than a few preseason games unless I’m driving out to the local Boys and Girls Club with a box of signed youth-size Tim Tebow jerseys every afternoon. I better start putting smiles on the faces of a lot of underprivileged kids, and soon.” At press time, Tebow and fellow backup quarterback Mark Sanchez could be observed hurriedly ladling out bowls of soup at a local homeless shelter.
For-Profit College Hastily Designs Diploma For Student On Verge Of Actually Graduating #~# PRESCOTT, AZ—Admitting that the fourth-year criminal justice major had caught them completely off-guard, administrators at for-profit college Chapman Technical University were scrambling to design and print a diploma to award a student who was actually on the verge of graduating, sources said Wednesday. “Oh, my God, this guy is just three credits away from actually completing our graduation requirements—we should probably have some kind of certificate ready, right?” said student services coordinator Amanda Lenoch, noting that no one had made it this far in the school’s bachelor’s degree program before as she hurriedly scrolled through her word-processing program for any diploma templates. “Jeez, what’s on these things? I suppose we should probably have our name and logo on there, and I guess his name, too. Something in Latin, maybe? I have no idea. Man, I’m making at least five copies of this thing in case any more of these people come out of nowhere.” At press time, representatives from the school were reportedly scrambling to find someone at the college’s offices with some sort of academic qualifications to sign the diploma.
Study Finds Those With Deceased Family Members At High Risk Of Dying Themselves #~# BOSTON—Pinpointing the phenomenon as the single greatest predictor of human mortality, a paper published Wednesday in The New England Journal Of Medicine has found that people with deceased family members run an extremely high risk of dying themselves.
Kraft Eliminating Fake Blazing Orange Color From Mac And Cheese #~# After being targeted by consumer advocacy groups and losing customers to healthier foods, Kraft Foods Group said it will remove the iconic bright orange artificial coloring from its mac and cheese product and replace it with colors derived from natural sources like paprika, annatto, and turmeric. What do you think?
Boehner Opens Another Heap Of Letters From Constituents Asking To Give Corporations More Tax Breaks #~# WASHINGTON—Pouring out an overflowing sack of mail onto his desk, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) reportedly hunkered down Wednesday for yet another long night of opening letters from constituents asking him to give large corporations more tax breaks. “I’ve received a whole stack of letters asking me to grant Fortune 500 companies hundreds of millions of dollars in tax write-offs, and another 10 or 15 more urging me to increase corporate subsidies to offset their tax burden—and I still have dozens of letters to go through,” said Boehner, glancing down at a pile of handwritten notes from a retired veteran in Fairfield, a single mom in Troy, and an entire fifth-grade class in Dayton, all pleading for the congressman to slash taxes on the oil and gas industry. “When the people of Ohio’s eighth district want their voices heard, it’s my duty to listen. And of all the issues facing our country today, the ones they care most about are fewer taxes for multinational conglomerates and drastic reductions in the ones that remain.” Boehner then reportedly hung up a touching crayon drawing he’d received from a 6-year-old in Greenville depicting a Wall Street CEO on a brand-new yacht.
Ex-Con Still Hanging Out With Hallucinatory Voices That Got Him In Trouble In First Place #~# JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Criticizing them as an overwhelmingly negative influence on the former prison inmate, friends and family members of ex-convict Todd Chapman told reporters Wednesday they are concerned that the 34-year-old continues to hang out with the hallucinatory voices that got him in trouble in the first place. “Todd’s trying to straighten out his life, but he’s never going to get on track until he stops spending so much time with those imagined voices and letting them talk him into doing something that might violate his parole,” said Chapman’s sister Jessica, referring to the six or seven restless, ill-tempered auditory hallucinations with which the recently released prisoner has spent time nearly every day since his late teenage years. “It seems like anytime Todd is somewhere he’s not supposed to be or doing something he’s not supposed to do, those voices are right there with him, egging him on. He needs to learn how to tune them out, or they’re going to get him into even more trouble than they already have.” Chapman’s sister added that though the voices often pressure the ex-criminal into committing various misdeeds throughout the day, their influence is most toxic when he’s been drinking with them.
Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair #~# WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving off his beard. “God, look at how full and overgrown that thing is, and it goes all the way down his neck—that thing has to go,” said diner Eva Richardson, who like her fellow patrons, was in the process of envisioning herself lathering up Kellerman’s face, grabbing a disposable razor, and getting rid of the whole thicket of hair right then and there. “That guy might be able to pull off a bit of stubble or maybe, just maybe some sideburns, but a beard that big and bushy? No way. I swear, if I had a razor on me, that thing would be in a pile on the floor right now.” The daydreaming diner customers added that, if they had the proper accoutrements, they might as well head over to the corner table of older men and fix several decades of unchecked eyebrow growth while they're at it.
Aquarium Gives Penguins Private ‘Honeymoon Suites’ To Encourage Mating #~# In an effort to encourage the endangered animals to breed more chicks, the New England Aquarium is giving eight pairs of penguins igloo-like “honeymoon suites” away from the main exhibit to get them in the mood for mating. What do you think?
Study: Men Gamble Bigger When Physically Attractive Guys Are Around #~# According to a new study, heterosexual men in gambling situations made bigger and riskier bets after being shown photographs of male Abercrombie and Fitch models and other attractive men, with scientists explaining that “men want to appear more desirable to women, and having more money is one way to do so.” What do you think?
Encouraging U.S. Department Of Labor Reminds Job Seekers About All The Dumbfucks Out There #~# WASHINGTON—In a gesture of encouragement toward the millions of Americans struggling to find work in a difficult job market, the U.S. Department of Labor told employment seekers today not to forget about the tons of dumbfucks out there.
Study: Men Gamble Bigger When Physically Attractive Guys Are Around #~# According to a new study, heterosexual men in gambling situations made bigger and riskier bets after being shown photographs of male Abercrombie and Fitch models and other attractive men, with scientists explaining that “men want to appear more desirable to women, and having more money is one way to do so.” What do you think?
Medical Experts Disappointed With Man Who Failed To Live Up To Life Expectancy #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Explaining that the man’s lifestyle, ethnicity, and family history had all indicated a more favorable outcome, members of the medical community expressed their disappointment Tuesday after learning that Florida resident Andrew Mauston had failed to live up to his estimated life expectancy. “Public health statistics clearly specify that Mr. Mauston should have lived into his mid-70s, but instead this guy goes and has a fatal cardiac arrest at 64. Come on!” said medical researcher Mark Hutchcroft, who chastised the recently deceased man for “barely even making it” to the average life expectancy of a male lifelong smoker living below the poverty line. “He was in relatively good health and had no known indicators of cardiovascular disease? Unbelievable. God, this guy couldn’t even make it within a standard deviation of the mean, for crying out loud.” Researchers went on to relay their further exasperation with Toledo, OH resident Arthur Claymore, an overweight heavy drinker who, at 98 years old, was making them all look like idiots.
Relationship Reaches Point Where Breaking Up, Getting Married Would Be Equally Huge Hassle #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Saying that both options would involve unwanted and burdensome investments of time and energy, local woman Amy Harris reported Tuesday that her four-year relationship with Will Mollison had come to the point where breaking up or getting married would each be an equally big hassle. “Neither one of us is really ready to get married, but to be honest, it wouldn’t be any easier for us to deal with splitting up and reentering the dating scene than it would be to organize an entire wedding and plan out our future together,” said Harris, adding that the pair had reached a place where spending months selecting a wedding venue, catering options, and a DJ would be just as big a headache as deciding which of them gets to stay at their shared apartment and live out the current lease, who keeps what furniture, and who receives custody of their 2-year-old Boston terrier. “At this stage, I think it would be just as stressful to settle down and formally pledge the rest of our lives to each other as it would be to give up and start looking for a lasting relationship from scratch. We’re just kind of stuck here.” The couple said they were at least comforted by the fact that neither one of them had the confidence to bring up either alternative for a long time.
I Know Heaven Is Real Because I Saw It And Abducted An Angel #~# Friend, do you have doubts in your heart about the afterlife? Have you ever wondered if heaven is a real place? I myself had questions like these once, but a near-death experience erased my doubts forever. Why? Because during those few minutes when my heart stopped and the doctors worked to revive me, I saw God’s glorious kingdom with my own eyes, and while I was there I abducted an angel.
Pot Smokers Around World Celebrate 4/20 #~# Today is 4/20, the unofficial marijuana holiday when pot lovers around the world attend rallies, public smoke sessions, festivals, and other marijuana-related events, as well as just smoke with friends. How are you celebrating?
Iowa Restaurant Patron Can Remember Every Breakfast Ruined By Presidential Candidates #~# MARSHALLTOWN, IA—Describing them as significant moments in her life that she would never forget, 67-year-old Iowa diner patron Jane Brandon told reporters Monday she can still remember every single breakfast she’s had ruined by a presidential candidate over the years. “I’ll always recall that first time back in 1968, when Richard Nixon sat down at my booth to tell me how he would help American families like mine while I was just trying to finish a plate of waffles,” said Brandon, adding that she’d had at least one breakfast at a local diner spoiled by presidential hopefuls every four years for the past 12 election cycles, including five separate meals ruined during the 1992 primary campaign alone. “I still think about the morning when Michael Dukakis and Dick Gephardt came in at the same time, and by the time they were done shaking my hand and talking about the struggles of the middle class, my eggs were cold and I was late for work. I didn’t even get a chance to touch my home fries. I’ll never forget how hungry I was.” Brandon added that her most cherished memory was from the 1996 primary season, when she was able to order her short stack to go and slip out of the restaurant before Steve Forbes could talk to her about his flat tax.
Hand Gestures Transform Friend’s Story Into Immersive Virtual Reality Experience #~# OAKLAND, CA—Noting how the expressive movement of her friend’s arms fully conveyed every aspect and nuance of the event, 27-year-old Andrea Jennings confirmed Monday that her friend Rachel Carter’s hand gestures had transformed an anecdote about meeting up for lunch with a mutual acquaintance into a fully immersive virtual reality experience. “From the second Rachel started moving her hands back and forth to indicate that she was talking to Julia, it was like I had put on a sophisticated VR headset and entered an incredibly realistic computer simulation of her story,” said Jennings, who marveled at the way Carter’s slightly raised shoulders and upturned palms had effectively allowed her to step into a three-dimensional digital rendering of the scene, where she could watch the narrative about Carter’s uncertainty over which panini to order play out in full detail. “Everything just seemed so real. At some point, I became so fully engrossed that I forgot I was even sitting in my living room. It was just like I was right there with Rachel, having the entire experience of struggling to find a parking spot near the restaurant projected directly into my eyes solely through the position and movement of her hands.” Following the conclusion of the gesture-enhanced story, Jennings added that her bland day-to-day life now felt less real by comparison.
Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids #~# As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development. Here are some pros and cons of screen time for kids:
Man Pleased To Find Most Of His Mid-’90s Anti-Hillary Rant Still Usable #~# DECATUR, IL—Expressing relief that he would not have to construct an entirely new diatribe from scratch, local man Harold Willis was reportedly pleased Monday to discover that most of his anti-Hillary Clinton rant from the mid-1990s was still perfectly usable. “I got rid of the stuff about her ’93 health care plan, but besides that and a few other tiny fixes, there was still lots of good material,” said Willis, adding that once he updated it with a couple Benghazi details and a quick tag about the recent controversy over the presidential candidate’s State Department email server, the well-worn harangue would be good as new. “I figured out I could just replace the part about her being a frigid woman with how she’s just another corrupt Washington politician, so that was an easy fix. I’ll probably tighten up the Whitewater section a bit, but unless there are any big surprises during campaign season, this should easily last through the election.” At press time, Willis happily realized he could simply recycle the allegation that Clinton conspired to murder Deputy White House Counsel Vince Foster without changing a single word.
Viewer Prepared To Believe Whatever Documentary Tells Him About Coral Reefs #~# BETTENDORF, IA—Saying he had no plans to challenge anything set forth in the hour-long nature program, television viewer Adam Canales reported Monday that he was fully prepared to believe whatever the documentary Darkness Below: Ocean Life On The Brink told him about coral reefs. “I don’t know a single thing about coral reefs, so I’m perfectly okay with buying wholesale whatever this documentary has to say on the topic,” said Canales, who noted that he was 100 percent ready to accept any and all facts and figures presented to him about coral, adding that anything the program’s narrator had to say regarding the threats facing these aquatic ecosystems was “good enough for [him].” “Are they dying off from a rise in ocean temperatures? Are they thriving? Are they home to some of the most diverse life forms on the planet? Great. Whatever this documentary tells me, I’m on board.” Canales added that he was also “perfectly fine” with the idea of blindly adopting whatever social position relating to coral reefs was posed by the documentary and reciting it to other people verbatim.
Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confirmed Monday. “Sure, I’ve been a bit more focused on my business career and starting a family in the past few years, but ever since No Name Face blew up in 2000, my ultimate goal has remained the same: to play percussion for Lifehouse,” said the 32-year-old, who reportedly learned every track on Lifehouse’s first two albums in high school and college, and has plans to retrieve his five-piece Pearl drum kit from storage as soon as his family of four can move into a larger place. “When I think about where I’m going to be five years from now, I still see myself touring with the band, the three of us playing ‘Hanging By A Moment’ to huge crowds all over the world. To be honest, I’m pretty much ready to go whenever they call.” Sources confirmed Gibbs continues to feel disappointment knowing his personal ambition has been, and continues to be, lived out by Lifehouse drummer Ricky Woolstenhulme Jr.
Hollywood Quietly Shuts Down After Realizing That Entertainment A Delicate Matter Of Subjective Opinion #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Saying they could no longer continue operations amid such ambiguity, every film studio in Hollywood quietly halted all production Wednesday after realizing the concept of “entertainment” is, in fact, a delicate and complex matter of subjective opinion, sources reported. “Although it took a century of producing films and television shows to arrive at such a conclusion, we’ve recently come to understand that individual viewers possess vastly wide-ranging inclinations and preferences, and that creating a universally appealing narrative archetype is simply an impossible endeavor, and thus we must shut our doors at once,” said MGM executive Lindsey Reichers, who along with her fellow industry leaders made the decision to shutter all their facilities after learning that, despite their best efforts, the most recent season of The Big Bang Theory, the 1985 film Teen Wolf, both the original and the remake of RoboCop, and thousands of other titles were not beloved by 100 percent of the American populace. “We can’t continue to pour hundreds of millions of dollars into these family dramas, action trilogies, buddy comedies, and sci-fi thrillers if there’s no formula to ensure that we produce an objectively perfect work of art that is unanimously adored. Alas, how are we to go on any longer knowing that which thoroughly entertains one person, has the precise opposite effect on another? We cannot. So, sadly, we must close up shop for good.” When asked for further comment, executives admitted they took solace in the fact that their efforts had at least struck the mark one time in the industry's history with the production of Face/Off, the only known piece of entertainment unconditionally cherished by every person the world over.
Lovestruck Arabian Princess Begs Father To Spare John Kerry’s Life #~# KINGDOM OF GOLDEN SANDS—Throwing herself in front of her beloved U.S. secretary of state as the royal executioner raised his scimitar, Princess Amirah of Arabia reportedly begged her father the sultan Friday to spare John Kerry’s life. “Please, Father, I love him!” cried the headstrong youngest daughter of the monarch as she flung her arms around the former Massachusetts senator’s neck and refused to let go. “He is a good man, a kind man, and he is the one I have chosen. He wants only to love me, Father. If you kill him then you will kill me too, for our hearts are forever entwined.” At press time, the strong-willed princess was still clinging to the 2004 presidential candidate and imploring her father to look within himself and remember how it felt when he too was in love.
Lethal Injection Least Effective Drugs Man Took While In Prison #~# FLORENCE, AZ—Noting that the purity and reliability were significantly lower, sources at Arizona’s Florence State Prison confirmed that the lethal injection compounds given to convicted murderer Joseph Danvers III in the early morning hours Friday were by far the least effective drugs he took while incarcerated. According to reports, the combination of midazolam and hydromorphone injected into Danvers’ veins was of lesser quality and took far longer to take effect than any of the chemical substances he had access to during his 16 years on death row. Furthermore, the effects of the drugs Danvers ingested while in prison—which reportedly included wood varnish fumes, wine made in his cell’s toilet, and heroin cut with powdered milk—were far better understood than those of the cocktail of muscle relaxants and cardiac-arrest-inducing agents administered by the state. Sources added that compared to the officials who carried out the lethal injection, the inmates who concocted the illegal narcotics were also vastly more informed.
Alcohol-Themed Party A Success #~# OMAHA, NE—Claiming that his expectations for the unique social gathering had been met and even surpassed, local man Ryan Sandstrom, 25, told reporters Friday that his recent alcohol-themed party turned out to be a rousing success. “I can’t believe it, but my party centering on the availability of alcoholic beverageswas a huge hit,” the party host said, referring to his novel concept of inviting his guests to gather in one place in order to drink the desired quantity of beer, wine, or liquor. “Normally I would have expected a little resistance to spending an entire evening hanging out in my apartment doing nothing but drinking and talking, but people got on-board pretty quickly. Everyone was totally willing to take a chance on this one.” Sandstrom added that, given the success of the event, he wouldn’t be surprised if other people attempted to copy his idea.
‘Financial Date Nights’ Can Benefit Couples #~# In his book The Couple’s Guide To Financial Compatibility, financial advisor Jeff Motske writes that spouses should have date nights to discuss issues like taxes, kids’ tuition, and home improvements to avoid fighting over money. What do you think?
Left Fielder Thinking About The Ways A Triple Play Could End With Him #~# SAN DIEGO—Racking his brain for every conceivable sequence of events that could potentially happen on a baseball field, team sources confirmed that San Diego Padres left fielder Justin Upton spent most of Wednesday night’s game against the Arizona Diamondbacks envisioning various scenarios in which a triple play ends with him. “If the bases are loaded and the ball is hit to the third baseman, he could catch it and tag the runner on the way to home plate, and then the runner at second might try to take third, so I could come infield and be in position to tag him out,” said Upton, who reportedly began visualizing theoretical 5-4-7, 4-3-7, and 6-2-4-1-7 triple plays any time two Diamondbacks players got on base with no outs. “Runners on first and second would open up another whole set of possibilities. The second baseman could field a short hopper, step on the bag, and then throw to first, but the throw might go over the first baseman’s head, and if that happens, the runner at second could take off, and—well, the third baseman would have to go down hurt at some point in the middle of the play, so in that case, I’d cover for him and catch the throw from first base to get the last out. Something like that could happen, I guess.” At press time, an excited Upton was in the team’s clubhouse diagramming an unassisted triple play made from left field.
Corporate Wellness Programs #~# Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity. Here’s how companies are incentivizing health and wellness in their workforce:
Study Links Facebook To Depression #~# A new study has found that people who use Facebook are more likely to report feelings of depression, most likely due to the phenomenon of “social comparison” in which people weigh the average moments in their own lives against the “highlight reels” posted online by their friends. What do you think?
Interpol Admits 89% Of Its Cases Involve Finding, Recovering The ‘Mona Lisa’ #~# PARIS—Shortly after returning Leonardo da Vinci’s most famous portrait to its home at the Louvre for the second time this week, Interpol officials admitted Wednesday that a full 89 percent of its work involves locating and recovering the Mona Lisa. “When we’re not busy tracking down a burglar who has just stolen the Mona Lisa, we’re usually staking out the compound of a black-market art dealer trying to sell the Mona Lisa, or infiltrating a crime syndicate actively planning a Mona Lisa heist,” said Secretary General Jürgen Stock, citing the dozens of times per month that Interpol agents in search of the painting typically give chase through the Paris sewers, stop Moscow-bound trains to search the first-class compartments, or put out an urgent alert to their counterparts in the Swiss Alps. “Every few days, we’re off pursuing another thief in another part of the world. Sometimes we’ll put the Mona Lisa back on the wall, turn around, and within minutes it’s gone again. If we’re lucky, we can sometimes get it back before anyone notices, but that’s rare.” At press time, sources confirmed the Mona Lisa was missing.
Complete Idiot Forgot To Shave Area Between Mouth And Nose #~# LONG BEACH, CA—Marveling at how he had foolishly overlooked the conspicuous tuft of facial hair, sources confirmed Thursday that local man and complete idiot Elliot Weaver, 26, apparently forgot to shave the area between his mouth and nose. “I don’t understand how he managed to get every other part of his face except for his upper lip—what a moron,” said Weaver’s neighbor Alicia Guffman, emphasizing her disbelief that the incredibly stupid man manages to leave his house every day without glancing at a mirror even once. “I could see him missing a spot on his chin or neck every once in a while, but it looks like the fuzz beneath his nose has been growing out for a while, and it’s right in the middle of his face. Talk about clueless.” At press time, sources were shaking their heads in amazement as the total dunce used a small pair of scissors to carefully trim the whiskers surrounding the overlooked region while somehow leaving the unnoticed patch of hair intact.
Budget Wedding Tips #~# With Americans still feeling the effects of the recession, many engaged couples are looking for ways to save money on their wedding by holding a smaller ceremony, hunting for deals, and more. Here are some tips for throwing the affordable wedding of your dreams:
Mom Scared For NHL Players Without Visors #~# BEMIDJI, MN—Visibly horrified as she listed off numerous ways in which they could easily get hurt, local mother Anne Hendrickson expressed grave concern Monday for NHL players who don’t wear visors on their helmets. “I can’t believe they’re allowed to go out there and play like that,” said Hendrickson, adding that the athletes playing without any sort of face shield were just asking to be hit by a puck and risk being knocked unconscious or permanently blinded. “With those sticks flying around and everyone hitting each other, it’s no wonder half of them are missing their teeth. Honestly, they should all have to wear that big helmet the goalie has on—at least he has some common sense.” At press time, a clearly disgusted Hendrickson could be overheard asking if players really had to ram each other into the boards so hard.
Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money #~# VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money set out in each store’s parking lot. “Our new drive-thru option is quick and easy: Simply pull up alongside the dead cow, hack off as much as you want using the provided cleaver, dump some cash in the bucket, and be on your way,” said Sunshine Burger director of marketing Deborah Singer, noting that customers who desired a beverage would be allowed to place their mouth around a nearby hose of continuously flowing corn syrup. “And don’t forget to plunge your hacked-off chunks of meat into one of the three dunking holes we’ve cut into the asphalt, which are filled with our mouthwatering barbecue, honey mustard, and ranch dipping sauces.” Restaurant officials confirmed that during breakfast hours, customers would also have the option of reaching inside a pig carcass and pulling out a length of raw intestine.
Cosmologists: Aliens Most Likely Huge #~# Using energy conservation laws, cosmologists at the University of Barcelona have concluded that if intelligent extraterrestrials exist, they are likely to weigh 600 pounds or more and bear little resemblance to their portrayal in pop culture. What do you think?
Timberwolves’ Arena Staff Cleaning Up During Third Quarter So They Can Go Home Right At Buzzer #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Removing any filled trash bags from their receptacles and sweeping along the empty concourse, members of the Target Center custodial staff reportedly began cleaning up midway through the third quarter of Monday night’s game between the Minnesota Timberwolves and New Orleans Pelicans in hopes of leaving right at the final buzzer. “I like to get a head start a few minutes into the second half, when most of the aisles are clear and you don’t have to worry too much about blocking anyone’s view,” said facilities manager Frank Kulich, adding that the janitorial team only gives the arena’s upper deck a quick once-over at halftime since it usually remains completely untouched during games. “If we stay on top of things in the first half, there are just a couple spots in the first few rows that need to be mopped up before we can clock out and go home. Technically, we’re not supposed to leave before the end of the game—even if all our work is done—but at that point any traffic in the parking lot is long gone, so it’s not too bad.” At press time, Kulich was quickly wiping down the Timberwolves’ bench, which had emptied out as the play clock wound down the final two minutes of the fourth quarter.
Architect Presents Obama With Generic Options For War Memorial That Could Work For Syria, Libya, Yemen #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that the commander-in-chief might want to get a head start on such a project soon, architect Owen Levin presented President Obama with generic options for a national memorial Tuesday that could feasibly honor an American war in Syria, Libya, or Yemen. “Our idea centers around a polished 30-foot Vermont marble panel that can either be inscribed with an image of servicemen trudging through a desert landscape, various military units’ coats of arms, stirring quotes about giving one’s life in defense of freedom, or any combination thereof,” said Levin, describing how his idea for a chain of bronze wreaths wrapping around a rectangular limestone base could work for each one of these conflicts, or all three. “We’ve also included a reflecting pool in the design that is ringed with placeholder names of battle sites, but these can easily be swapped out for Tripoli, Tikrit, Sana’a, Mosul—whichever ones you need.” Levin added that the flexibility of the memorial’s height allows it to hold anywhere from 2,000 to 200,000 soldiers’ names.
New Evidence Suggests Middle East Conflict Predates All Human Civilization #~# NEW YORK—In a major breakthrough that provides new insight into the region’s deep-seated instability, researchers at Columbia University presented evidence Tuesday that indicates the long-running conflict currently engulfing the Middle East predates all human civilization.
Report: American Millennials Among Least Skilled In World #~# A new report by the nonprofit Educational Testing Service found that even though “millennial” Americans age 20 to 34 are attaining higher levels of education than their peers in other countries, they have far fewer job skills. What do you think?
Report: NFL Hires First Female Referee #~# According to a report in the Baltimore Sun, the NFL has moved to hire its first full-time regular season female referee, a former college-level official named Sarah Thomas. What do you think?
U.S. Encouraging Cuba To Shift Toward Democratic System Of Corruption #~# WASHINGTON—As part of the White House’s effort to mend 50 years of acrimonious U.S.-Cuba relations, members of the Obama administration called on the island nation this week to adopt a more democratic form of corruption. “If Cuba is to thrive on the global stage, it must end its autocratic abuses of power, and hold free and fair elections to determine which officials will ultimately siphon off public resources for their own personal gain,” said Under Secretary of State for Political Affairs Wendy Sherman, who called on Cuba’s communist regime to cede some political control and let opposition parties play a greater role in its shady backroom dealings and systems of graft. “We recognize that change will not happen overnight, but by allowing influence-peddling, kickbacks, and the misappropriation of funds to be controlled by elected representatives of the people, Cuba will earn the world’s trust and respect. It’s time for Cuba to embrace the same dishonest, nominally democratic form of government that all of its neighbors have.” Sherman went on to express the administration’s hopes for a future in which Cuba will regularly conduct transparent elections bought and paid for by powerful corporate interests.
Who Is Marco Rubio? #~# Following similar announcements by Ted Cruz and Rand Paul, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) has become the third GOP candidate to declare his bid in the 2016 presidential race. The Onion breaks down what you should know about Rubio:
Umpire Says He Was On LSD When He Called No-Hitter #~# NEW YORK—Saying that he only vaguely remembers the historic game, former MLB umpire Jim Quick admitted Monday to calling a no-hitter during a 1980 matchup between the Los Angeles Dodgers and San Francisco Giants while high on the hallucinogenic drug LSD. “I took a couple tabs of acid in the afternoon because I forgot I was umping that night, so by the time I got to the stadium I was already tripping pretty hard,” Quick told reporters, adding that although he did his best to act normally while standing behind home plate, the rest of his officiating crew could tell he was under the influence of either drugs or alcohol. “Honestly, the pitcher, batter, and catcher just looked like giant blurs out there, and the strike zone kept moving around in front of my eyes. Even so, I somehow kept calling strikeout after strikeout after strikeout. It was exhilarating, but by the time I called the final out of the ninth inning, I couldn’t tell the difference between a fastball through the middle and a slider low and outside.” Quick went on to lament that his performance did not result in a perfect game, as he also called eight walks in the contest.
Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle #~# OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic upon discovering that, oh God, all the desks had been arranged in a giant circle. “I have no idea what’s going to happen here, but it can’t be good,” said a visibly shaken Katie Wahl, 11, who according to reports began steeling herself for whatever god-awful group project, class discussion, or sharing of personal experiences the sixth-grade teacher might have in store for them. “We’re definitely going to have to go around one by one and talk or read aloud. God, we might even have to break into teams and debate something. This really, really sucks.” At press time, sources confirmed that, damn it, the only seats still available in the circle were the ones directly on either side of the teacher.
Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase #~# MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage purchase. “Kyle made a good choice here—I should give him a quick nod and maybe even a thumbs-up,” the 27-year-old said after noticing his friend selecting one of Dodge’s favorite beverages from the establishment's vast selection of available options. “I don’t want to do anything too crazy, but I need him to know that I also enjoy the drink he bought and that I think it’s a good drink. He really nailed this one, and he deserves all the praise that’s coming his way.” At press time, Dodge had decided to pay tribute to his friend’s beverage selection by buying the same drink, establishing eye contact with him, and then confidently gesturing toward his own purchase.
LED Bulb Coming To Terms With Fact That It Will Outlive All Its Friends #~# HARTFORD, CT—Having witnessed yet another incandescent bulb burn out just months after being screwed in, a 60-watt LED light bulb told reporters Wednesday that it is coming to terms with the fact that it will most likely outlive every last one of its friends. “It used to be so shocking to see every light around me gasp and sputter out so suddenly, but I’ve come to accept that I’ll still be here long after they’ve all been replaced,” said the energy-efficient bulb, noting that it has already outlived dozens of unsuspecting wire filament models it has become acquainted with during its time in an upright floor lamp and adding that it “never gets any easier” to witness its fellows buzzing in panic and wavering in brightness before finally going dark with a sickening popping sound, powerless to stop the senseless obliteration. “Some of these bulbs aren’t gonna make it much longer, and I feel kind of guilty that I’ll be glowing bright long after they’re gone. I guess that’s just something I’m going to have to get used to, though. What a bummer.” At press time, the LED bulb was looking on in horror as its owner removed a low-quality bulb from a nearby ceiling fan fixture, shook it near his ear, and unceremoniously tossed it into the garbage.
Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’ #~# WASHINGTON—After several seconds spent sitting motionless and glaring directly into the camera, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly began Sunday’s video announcing her 2016 presidential bid by warning the nation not to fuck this up for her. “Listen up, assholes, ’cause I’m only saying this once: I’ve worked way too goddamn hard to let you morons blow this thing for me,” said Clinton, repeatedly jabbing her index finger toward the viewers at home while adding that if they thought she was going to simply sit back and watch them dick her over like they did in 2008, they were out of their fucking minds. “Seriously, don’t you dare even think about it. If you shitheads can just get in line, we can breeze through this whole campaign in 19 months and be done with it. Or, if you really want, we can do this the hard way. Because make no mistake, I’m not fucking around. Got it?” Clinton then ended her announcement by vowing to fight for a better future for all working-class families like the one she grew up in.
7-Eleven Launches ‘Bring Your Own Cup’ Slurpee Day #~# As part of a new marketing campaign, 7-Eleven has announced that on Saturday, it will allow customers to pay $1.49 and fill up any container they bring into the store with a Slurpee as long as the container can fit through a 10-inch hole and meet other restrictions. What do you think?
Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton #~# Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to officially announce her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Sunday, putting an end to months of speculation about her plans. Here are some key things to know about the first Democrat to declare her candidacy: 
Obama Fantasizes About Ordering Drone Strike Against Self On Last Day Of Presidency #~# WASHINGTON—Staring off into the middle distance as he sat behind the Resolute desk in the Oval Office this afternoon, President Obama is said to have spent several minutes fantasizing about ordering one last drone strike against himself on the final day of his presidency, White House sources confirmed. “I can see it now: I’ll sign my last order, stand up, give a respectful nod to my Secret Service agents, and walk straight out into the center of the Rose Garden,” said the commander-in-chief, who then reportedly envisioned himself standing at attention and raising a hand in salute as an MQ-1 Predator drone locked on to his position. “Maybe right before it takes me out I’ll even say something like ‘God bless the United States of America.’ Yeah, I like that. That’s perfect.” At press time, sources confirmed Obama was grinning at the thought of ash-covered White House staffers frantically digging through the rubble, only to find his lapel pin.
Study: Best Method Of Finding Job Still Excitedly Circling Newspaper Listing In Red Marker #~# WASHINGTON—Following a decade-long study of economic trends and employment rates, a report issued Friday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics determined that excitedly circling a newspaper listing with a red marker remains the single most effective way to find a job. “Our research confirms that laying out the morning paper on the kitchen table, slowly panning down a column in the classifieds section, and then enthusiastically drawing a bold red circle around a posting in the center of the page is still the best way to secure employment,” said the report’s lead author, Rebecca Carney, adding that unemployed individuals were further able to increase their likelihood of obtaining work by tapping the listing with their finger while quietly saying “That’s the one.” “We also found that using the same pen to double-underline the job’s salary range raises one’s chances of being hired by an additional 50 percent.” Carney went on to add that individuals were able to effectively guarantee a job offer by calling the business immediately on their landline phone, grabbing their hat and jacket off a coat rack, and quickly heading straight down to the company’s offices with the newspaper tucked under their arm.
Area Man Not About To Tie His Shoe When He's 4 Blocks Away From Sitting Down #~# AUSTIN, TX—Saying it certainly wasn't a big enough deal to make him stop walking and address the issue, local man Brendan Potts told reporters Friday there was absolutely no way he was going to tie his shoe when he was just four blocks away from his destination. “Not a chance in hell I'm going to go to all the trouble of pausing in the middle of the sidewalk, bending over, and spending six whole seconds knotting these laces when I’ll just be sitting down in a little bit,” said Potts as his dangling shoelaces trailed along the ground behind him and his shoe became progressively looser on his foot. “I can deal with it once I get to the restaurant. As long as there aren't any stairs or grating along the way, I should be fine.” As of press time, Potts had reportedly postponed the retying of his sneaker indefinitely to avoid having to touch his puddle-dampened shoelaces.
Obama Supports Banning Gay ‘Conversion’ Therapies For Minors #~# Inspired to act in part by the suicide of transgender teen Leelah Alcorn, President Obama gave his support to banning practitioners of gay “conversion” or “reparative” therapy from performing it on minors. What do you think?
Man Reluctantly Deletes Video Of Friend Trying To Vault Mailbox To Clear Data Space For Child’s Birth #~# SANTA FE, NM—Sadly conceding that there ultimately wasn’t enough room for both on his smartphone, local man Brad Jacobsen made the difficult decision Thursday to delete video of his friend attempting to jump over a USPS mailbox in order to clear enough data space to record his child’s birth. “It’s totally hilarious, and I know I’m going to really miss watching it, but I don’t think I can keep it and still have enough storage to capture the moment my baby enters the world,” said Jacobsen of the approximately minute-long clip of his friend Glenn running up to the blue metal box after a night of drinking, propelling himself into the air, and failing to clear the top of the 4-foot-tall structure before tumbling heavily to the pavement. “I mean, maybe I’ll have the chance to email this to myself before my wife’s fully dilated. That way, I won’t even have to choose.” At press time, Jacobsen was giving the video one last farewell viewing as the head of his baby had begun to crown.
Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide #~# MINFORD, OH—Boasting that they have cured hundreds of teens and young adults over the years, gay conversion therapists from the Redeeming Path Treatment Center told reporters Thursday that most of their patients are completely straight by the time they commit suicide. “We’ve found that a combination of group interventions, narrative therapy, and cognitive-behavioral approaches fully eliminates homosexual urges before the individual takes his or her own life,” said program director Christian Weber, adding that many of their biggest success stories are even in stable, heterosexual relationships when they’re found lifeless in their own home or dredged from a nearby body of water. “Of course, some of our patients do relapse back into the gay lifestyle, but even then our committed therapists are typically able to guide them back toward healthy, straight behavior before they end it all in their childhood bedroom or dorm. By the time they’ve swallowed an entire bottle of prescription painkillers, they’ve typically completed a remarkable transformation.” Weber, who said that he stands behind his practice not just as a doctor, but also as a parent, confirmed that his own son displayed no homosexual tendencies in the hours preceding the discovery of his body.
The Pros And Cons Of Body Cameras For Police #~# Following several high-profile civilian deaths at the hands of police officers, many Americans have called for the mandatory use of body cameras by law enforcement as a means of curbing the excessive use of force and providing clear accounts of officers’ actions. Here are some of the pros and cons of body cameras for police officers:
Phillies Concession Stand Offering Plastic Helmets For Fans To Vomit In #~# PHILADELPHIA—Calling it a fun new way to enhance the game-day experience, the Philadelphia Phillies announced Thursday that concession stands at Citizens Bank Park will now sell plastic helmets for fans to vomit in. “We’re excited to let all Phillies fans know that, for just $12, they can throw up into an officially licensed novelty helmet modeled after the ones worn by their favorite players,” said team spokesperson Bonnie Clark, adding that the flattened crown of the 8-ounce plastic cap allows intoxicated fans to conveniently rest the helmet between their knees without spilling any vomit onto their lap. “They are dishwasher-safe, so you can always take them home, wash them out, and end up with a great souvenir from the ballgame. Of course, we also offer full-size plastic lids for those who find that the traditional miniature versions are simply not big enough for them, or for those who would rather buy a larger helmet to share with friends.” Clark added that the stadium has already corrected the shortage issues from Monday night’s game, when drunk fans were disappointed to find they could only buy styrofoam bowls to puke in after vendors ran out of the helmets during the fourth inning.
PetSmart Manager Does Morning Sweep Of Enclosures For Dead Ones Before Opening Doors For Day #~# OMAHA, NE—Calling the walkthrough among the cages and aquariums a key part of his morning routine, local PetSmart manager John Brubaker told reporters Thursday that he always does a quick sweep of the store’s enclosures for dead ones before opening up for the day. “First thing after I get in, I’ll flick the lights on, grab the wheeled garbage can, and head over to the small pet section to dispose of any guinea pigs and chinchillas,” said Brubaker, adding that his typical loop then takes him to the fish section to check for floaters that got stuck in their oxygen filters overnight. “The parakeets usually don’t take me that long—I just go through with a brush and sweep the stiff ones out of their cages real fast. Usually, I can have all the critters bagged and in the dumpster before the cashiers even start showing up.” Brubaker went on to say, however, that the sheer number of dead ones sometimes forced him to just hide a few in the backs of their cages and gather them up the following morning.
FDA Figures It Will Get Around To Regulating Supplements With Names Like Black Widow, Yellow Demon #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that keeping an eye on the billion-dollar industry probably couldn’t hurt, the Food and Drug Administration reportedly figured aloud Thursday that sooner or later it would get around to regulating supplements with names like Black Widow and Yellow Demon. “I guess it wouldn’t be a bad idea at some point to assess the safety of products like energy pills that have a highly venomous spider on the logo and promise to ‘give your system a jolt’ once we get a few things off our plate,” said FDA official Donald Reece, adding that when they had the time, the agency’s chemists should really give a quick once-over to currently unregulated dietary products featuring the words “carnage,” “napalm,” “or “Hemo-Rage” written on the package in bold, fluorescent letters. “Now that I think about it, it probably makes sense to do at least a cursory study on any substance that consists of wholly untested chemical compounds and 6,000 times the recommended daily allotment of certain rare minerals. And if the container has the letter ‘X’ formed by two intersecting lightning bolts or a grimacing skull with glowing eyes, that might be a good reason to inspect it one of these days.” Reece, who confirmed that the FDA intends to look into these products eventually, said that a high-profile teenage athlete overdosing on a bodybuilding supplement named something like Doomsday Assault could get the ball rolling a lot faster.
Supreme Ruler Of Laundry Room Moves Load Of Clothes From Washer To Top Of Washer #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Acting within the broad range of authority granted by his title and ordained position, University of Minnesota freshman Dan Horvath, His Royal Highness and Supreme Ruler of the Frontier Hall Laundry Room, removed a load of damp clothes belonging to some lesser being from one of his dominion's washers Monday and placed it atop the machine, sources confirmed. The honorable Lord Horvath, whose power has reportedly remained unchallenged since orientation week and whose indomitable reign spans the entirety of the fluorescent-lit basement facility, allegedly made space for his far more worthy fabrics without giving so much as a thought to the anonymous plebeian’s wet clothing. Sources confirmed that His Majesty did not squander any additional moments by measuring out detergent as his subjects do, but rather tossed a Tide Pod into the washer with his garments, a product surely reserved for those of Horvath’s stature. At press time, the glorified autocrat could be seen removing his royal garb from one of the dryers and then leaving, deeming it far below his rank to empty the machine’s lint filter.
Nation Letting Itself Have Few Moments Of Celebration Before Returning To Horrifying Reality Of Violent Extremism #~# BOSTON—Following the conviction Wednesday of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on all 30 charges related to the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing, the United States populace allowed itself to celebrate for several moments before returning to the horrifying reality of ongoing violent extremism. “Right now, I’m just going to pull up the article ‘Tsarnaev Guilty On All Charges,’ put up a triumphant Facebook post, and forget about the fact that religious extremists are a growing global threat bent on bringing death to innocent civilians by the most gruesome means possible,” said Massachusetts resident Lou Ramirez after discussing with several coworkers how the 21-year-old Tsarnaev might now face capital punishment, a little treat he says he’s giving himself before returning to the understanding that thousands of radicalized young people are, at this moment, pledging their lives to the Islamic State, traveling across the world to join their ranks, and fighting a violent holy war that has killed countless thousands. “In a half hour or so, I can go back to considering the paralyzing reality that the most powerful nations on earth seem helpless to prevent rogue domestic attacks like those in Paris and Sydney, and are struggling to contain ISIS, Boko Haram, and dozens of other fundamentalist groups, all of which seek the wholesale slaughter of those who don’t agree with their strict interpretations of religious law. But until then, I’m just going to text ‘Got him!’ to my friends and be happy this guy is behind bars.” At press time, the American people decided to give themselves an extra two minutes to run down the list of Tsarnaev’s convictions before glancing over at the latest headlines coming out of Kenya.
DOJ Announces Initiative To Deploy Smartphone-Carrying Bystanders To Nation’s Streets #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the measure was necessary to improve public safety, the Department of Justice announced Wednesday afternoon that it intends to deploy thousands of additional smartphone-carrying bystanders to the nation’s streets. “We believe increasing the presence of eyewitnesses with smartphones in our neighborhoods will go a long way toward ensuring justice is being served in our communities,” said Attorney General Eric Holder, adding that while the department intends to strategically place onlookers on street corners, in parks, and around other public spaces throughout the country, high-risk urban neighborhoods would likely receive the greatest surge in passersby ready to document any misconduct. “It has become increasingly clear that the current force of camera-wielding pedestrians is too small to properly serve our citizens, with many infractions simply going unfilmed. However, this new approach will allow citizens to go about their days, knowing that someone will always be nearby to record offenses carried out against them and eventually hold the perpetrators accountable.” Holder then reminded Americans to be thankful for the service provided by the nation’s ranks of bystanders, saying that, in much of the country, the individuals holding up digital recording devices are the only ones maintaining the line between order and chaos.
Nation Hopeful There Will Be Equally Random Chance Of Justice For Future Victims Of Police Abuse #~# WASHINGTON—Describing the murder charges brought against a white South Carolina police officer who was filmed shooting an unarmed black man as an encouraging step in the right direction, the American populace reported Wednesday they were hopeful that future victims of police abuse would have an equally random chance of receiving justice. “The number of law enforcement officers who have shot unarmed civilians and gone free over the past year has been extremely discouraging, but the fact that this policeman was arrested so swiftly shows that there can be justice for victims so long as a bystander is nearby, has a camera phone on them, captures the whole interaction, and several dozen other circumstances play out in the precise sequence,” said North Charleston, SC resident Jenine Williams, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans who told reporters they have faith that, as long as a fair-minded eyewitness happens to be passing by at the exact right time; has the inclination to stop and film; an unobstructed view; enough battery life and memory on their phone; a steady hand; the forethought to start filming an interaction with the police before it escalates into violence; is close enough to get detailed footage, but far enough away to avoid being shot themselves or seen by the officer and potentially having their phone confiscated; and it is daytime, then justice would certainly be served. “I have a 17-year-old son who I worry about every day when he heads out into our neighborhood. But now I can take heart knowing that if, God forbid, he were ever in a situation like this, there would be a tiny fraction of a chance that every single element would fall into place and my family would receive the fair and just legal outcome we deserve.” The nation added that they were also hopeful the situation would change the behavior of police officers by making them look around to see if anyone was filming them before they moved from excessive to lethal force.
Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park #~# CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park.
College Accepts Safety Student Just In Case Top Choices Don’t Work Out #~# OMAHA, NE—In an effort to be fully prepared for potential rejections, Creighton University admissions officers reportedly accepted a safety student Wednesday just in case their top choices didn’t work out. “Rachel Fulton from Roseville, Minnesota certainly isn’t one of the best students in the country, but we felt we needed to have a decent backup if our other options turn us down,” said undergraduate admissions officer Laura Kleinman, adding that the school had to be realistic and not risk gambling away everything on a reach student they had little chance of getting. “Obviously, we’d love to have our dream student, Dave Hirschman, and we could definitely see ourselves with Angela Ramirez, too. But everybody’s trying to get those two, so it’s a longshot for us. Rachel’s a decent enough student, if that’s what we’re left with.” At press time, Kleinman expressed concerns that they might have to swallow their pride and accept a community college transfer if Fulton fell through.
Fantasy Baseball Team Suffers Major Setback As Owner Embarks On Weeklong Honeymoon Without Internet Access #~# DAYTON, OH—Saying the team had been crippled by its owner's decision to allow his personal life to interfere with his managerial responsibilities, sources confirmed Thursday that local fantasy baseball squad Show Me The Moneyball suffered a major setback after owner Ian Messer embarked on a weeklong honeymoon during which he will have no internet access. “I don’t know what he’s thinking neglecting his team for an entire week just so he and Chelsea can celebrate their marriage—that’s a long time to go without making any roster moves,” said fellow league participant Evan Abelson, criticizing Messer’s “reckless” decision to spend seven days sunbathing and scuba diving on the remote Hawaiian island of Lanai during the crucial first month of the season. “Some of his best players are sitting on the bench right now because he decided he should hold his wedding during baseball season and then fly off for a whole week to some place off the grid. And he can forget about streaming pitchers or picking up a newly named closer while he and his new wife are lounging on some beach without Wi-Fi. I just don’t see how his team is going to recover from this.” Abelson added that he could at least take comfort in the fact that once Messer returns from his honeymoon, he will quickly learn to prioritize fantasy baseball over his marriage.
Bully Can’t Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years Of Being Told To Kill Herself Seriously #~# SAGEBROOK, NJ—Following the reported suicide of local teen Jenny Gordon, longtime bully Hannah Boucard, 17, told reporters Wednesday that she could not believe her classmate took four straight years of being told to kill herself seriously.
Man Waiting In H&R Block Lobby Nervously Eyeing How Much More Paperwork Everyone Else Brought #~# DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Upon noticing that all the other customers in the H&R Block lobby were holding stacks of paper much thicker than his own, local man Paul Uriarte was said to be overtaken by a sharp and paralyzing wave of anxiety Wednesday. “Oh, God, some of these people brought so much stuff they have binder clips and folders to keep it all together,” Uriarte reportedly thought to himself, growing increasingly nervous as he glanced at the nearly three-quarters of an inch of forms, statements, receipts, and other documentation on the lap of the woman next to him. “And that guy over there has everything organized with color-coded tabs! All I have are my W-2s and this thing they sent me for my student loans. Uh-oh.” At press time, sources confirmed Uriarte had broken into a cold sweat upon overhearing the words “itemized deductions.”
Ron Paul Withholding Presidential Endorsement Until True Libertarian Candidate Enters Race #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the current field lacks a contender who truly represents his principles, former congressman Ron Paul told reporters Tuesday that he would hold off on endorsing any presidential candidate until a true libertarian entered the race. “Unfortunately, right now there’s no one who entirely reflects my belief in the smallest government humanly possible,” said Paul, adding that it might be better to wait until the field of GOP contenders solidified rather than throw his support behind someone who doesn’t quite share his strict non-interventionist viewpoint or his desires to repeal federal drug laws and completely abolish the Federal Reserve. “My supporters are counting on me to back someone who’s going to stand up for the libertarian way full-time, and I just don’t see anyone who really deserves the Ron Paul seal of approval.” Paul went on to say that while he had been unsuccessful in three previous bids for president, he may not be able to sit this election out either.
Who Is Rand Paul? #~# Kentucky senator Rand Paul announced Tuesday his plans to run for president in 2016, with the libertarian becoming the second Republican to officially declare his candidacy. Here are some key facts to know about the first-term senator:
Judge: Woman Can File Divorce Papers On Facebook #~# According to a report in the New York Daily News, a judge in New York granted a woman the right to serve her husband divorce papers via a private Facebook message because he refuses to provide an address, ruling that “This transmittal shall be repeated by plaintiff’s attorney to defendant once a week for three consecutive weeks or until acknowledged.” What do you think?
Mike Krzyzewski Admits He’d Like To Smack Grayson Allen’s Precious Fucking Baby Face #~# INDIANAPOLIS—As confetti streamed down during the team’s national championship celebration, Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski admitted to reporters Monday night that he would absolutely love to smack freshman guard Grayson Allen right in his precious fucking baby face. “Just looking at that dumb smirk and those chubby little boy cheeks makes me want to wind up and backhand the ever-living fuck out of him,” said Krzyzewski, adding that the entire season has been a struggle to resist walking up to the 19-year-old, seizing him by the collar of his jersey, and repeatedly pummeling his petite little chin until it’s swollen and covered in blood. “Any time that little twerp gets excited after scoring a basket, I feel the uncontrollable urge to grab him by the back of the neck and just smash his head against the court over and over and over again. I can’t believe I have to be around this goddamn kid for another three years. I mean, Christ, do you see that elementary-school crewcut he has? I want to go over there right now and strangle him with this basketball net.” Krzyzewski added that he’s currently recruiting an unbelievably irritating high school freshman who can eventually replace Allen as the team’s most unbearable little shit.
Report: Holding Trophy Above Head Still Number One Celebration Technique #~# CINCINNATI—Following an exhaustive 18-month study examining all major American and international sports, a new report published Tuesday by Xavier University’s Department of Sport Studies revealed that holding a trophy high above one’s head remains the number one technique for celebrating a championship. “The data is conclusive in showing that raising a trophy with one or both arms fully extended up into the air is still by far the preferred method for capping off a title win,” said lead researcher Michelle Howe, adding that in such cases, 58 percent of athletes firmly grip the trophy with one hand while raising their other hand in a triumphant fist pump, 72 percent briefly bring the trophy back down to face level in order to kiss it before lifting it above their head again, and a further 34 percent opt for the more unorthodox approach of lifting the trophy together with a coach or teammate. “Hugging a trophy to your chest, holding up one index finger, and shouting ‘Number one, baby!’ into a nearby camera has become increasingly popular recently, but it is still a distant second." The report went on to confirm that lifting a trophy above one’s head continues to be predominantly followed by striding into a locker room, spraying teammates with champagne, and eventually heading to the nearest strip club.
SeaWorld Responds To California Drought By Draining Animal Tanks Halfway #~# SAN DIEGO—In an effort to conserve water amid the state’s severe drought, SeaWorld officials announced Tuesday that the southern California marine park had drained all of its animal tanks halfway. “When facing a crisis this dire, everyone has a responsibility to make difficult sacrifices, which is why we at SeaWorld have decided to reduce the amount of water in all our whale, seal, and dolphin habitats by 50 percent,” said SeaWorld San Diego spokesperson Patricia Leeds, adding that the marine animals only needed a couple of inches of water to survive and that evaporation could be prevented by simply covering many of the creatures with tarps. “Our trainers are going to hook the orcas up to a winch and flip them over about once an hour to help their entire bodies stay moist. There’s still enough water in their enclosures, especially if the animals stay in one place like they’ve been doing.” Leeds added that implementing the new measures was not a problem for the company, as SeaWorld’s management had already been planning on making such a change to its animal habitats anyway.
Grandma Will Always Be Alive As Long As You Remember Her And Never Think About Anything Else #~# Oh, sweetie, this is so hard. I know how much Grammy meant to you, and how much you meant to her. You’re going to have a lot of sad feelings over the next few weeks, but I want you to know one thing: Grandma will always be alive, as long as you remember her every moment of every day and literally never think of anything else.
Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin #~# With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
Supporters Raise $840K For Anti–Gay Marriage Pizza Joint #~# After the owners of an Indiana pizzeria said they wouldn’t be comfortable catering gay weddings, in a statement that prompted threats and led them to close their establishment, supporters started an online fundraiser for their family that has raised more than $840,000. What do you think?
California Officials Assure Residents There Still Plenty Of Other Natural Resources To Waste #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—With residents struggling to adjust to newly imposed restrictions on water usage amid the state’s continuing drought, California officials assured citizens Monday there are still plenty of other resources available for them to waste. “Although we as a state must take serious and difficult steps to conserve water, we want to make it clear that residents are still welcome to keep squandering every other resource as usual by leaving TVs on in empty rooms or throwing out perfectly good food,” said Department of Water Resources spokesman Mark Aronow, adding that, while it is crucial that Californians observe constraints on decorative water features and other nonessential uses of water, individual residents and businesses should feel free to continue their regular practices of putting recyclable containers into the trash, paving over soil to expand parking areas, and leaving storefront doors open with the building’s air conditioning turned up. “As long as you’re not using excess water, there are no government regulations stopping you from driving your car a handful of blocks to the convenience store and leaving it idling outside while you head in to buy bottled water or a styrofoam cup of coffee. We just ask that, afterwards, you make sure you hand-wash your vehicle using a single bucket of water instead of spraying it off with a hose.” Aronow added that if residents did their part and focused on wasting other resources for the time being, then the state’s water table could recover, and future generations of Californians would be able to know the joys of poorly setting up a lawn sprinkler that directs the majority of its water onto the roadway and sidewalk.
Woman Drawn To Shampoo With Most Gruesome Description Of Hair #~# PITTSBURGH—Scanning the shelves in the hair-care aisle of her local CVS, 24-year-old Jessica Codina was suddenly drawn to a bottle of shampoo featuring the most gruesome description of hair possible, sources confirmed Monday. “Ooh, this one’s perfect—‘For severely damaged and all-but-lifeless hair,’” said Codina, adding that an illustration on the bottle in which several strands of hair resembled a cluster of brittle twigs made it immediately stand out. “‘Specifically formulated to rejuvenate hair that’s nothing but tangled, heat-damaged split ends. Moisturizing agents temporarily help keep your hair looking and feeling like something other than charred sandpaper.’ Yep, this one’s for me.” At press time, Codina had also decided on a matching bottle of conditioner whose label explicitly said it probably wasn’t even worth bothering with.
The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices #~# More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate. Here are the pros and cons of open-plan offices:
Stephen Strasburg Encourages Pitchers To Shorten Games By Increasing Speed Of Fastball #~# WASHINGTON—With Major League Baseball at risk of losing fans due to the sport’s increasingly slow and lethargic pace, Washington Nationals right-hander Stephen Strasburg reportedly urged pitchers across the league Monday to shorten games by increasing the speed of their fastballs. “No one wants to sit there for three hours to watch one baseball game, so by just upping the velocity of fastballs from, say, 94 miles per hour to 95 miles per hour, we can really quicken the game’s tempo,” said Strasburg, explaining that each slightly accelerated fastball would take roughly 18 fewer milliseconds to reach the plate, which “really adds up” given 300-plus pitches over nine innings. “With this simple change, we can reduce the average length of a game from three hours, four minutes, and 17 seconds to as low as three hours, four minutes, and 11 seconds. It’ll make the experience far more exciting for fans, and frankly, I’m surprised we haven’t done this sooner.” In a further effort to speed up the game, Strasburg suggested that MLB commissioner Rob Manfred restrict all hitting to bunts and line-drive singles.
Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation #~# TEMPE, AZ—Stressing the importance of being prepared for any circumstance that may occur, local man James Donner told reporters Monday he carries a gun on his person at all times in case he ever needs to escalate a situation. “I never leave home without my Glock, because you just don’t know when someone might mouth off to you in a bar and leave you with no choice but to turn a minor altercation into a tense life-or-death scenario,” said Donner, noting that he keeps his loaded weapon in a hip holster should the need arise for him to respond quickly, and with deadly force, when he is angered by a perceived slight. “Look, I hope to God no one ever tries to hit on my wife while I’m within earshot, but in the real world, things like this do happen. Sometimes you only have a split second to react and make things exponentially more dangerous.” At press time, sources confirmed Donner was pulling up next to a Honda Civic that had cut him off in traffic several blocks earlier.
Report: High School Students Using Instagram To Choose Colleges #~# According to a report in Time magazine, many high school students are using Instagram to choose which college they will attend by checking out photos others have taken of the campus, at parties, or around town, which they say provide a more realistic look at the school than the materials the school publishes online. What do you think?
Stanford Offering Free Tuition To Students Whose Families Make Less Than $125,000 #~# As part of an effort to make college accessible and affordable, Stanford University has announced that it will offer free tuition to students whose parents make less than $125,000 per year. What do you think?
Cubs Insist Wrigley Field Beef Machine Will Be Ready For Opening Day #~# CHICAGO—Responding to growing concerns about the state of offseason renovations to Wrigley Field, officials from the Chicago Cubs assured fans Friday that the stadium’s beef machine will be ready for the team’s opening game. “Cubs baseball has been synonymous with delicious beef for over 100 years, and I can guarantee that the ballpark’s beef machine will be fully functional in time for the first pitch,” team spokesman Julian Green told reporters, adding that construction teams have been working around the clock on the historic 19-foot-tall steel meat grinder in the main concourse, which had not been renovated for decades. “The Wrigley beef machine will be bigger, better, and capable of churning out thousands of pounds of flavorful corned beef, roast beef, brisket, pastrami, and just plain old piles of ground beef. Believe me, everyone in the organization understands how important this is for Cubs fans, and we’ve done everything we can to ensure that they will be happy.” Green also sternly refuted rumors that the Cubs will be forced to play their first several games at U.S. Cellular Field, home of the White Sox, in order to utilize the stadium’s meat broiler.
Out-Of-Style Woman Still Has Last Season’s Body Issues #~# NEW YORK—Describing her self-image problems as “totally passé,” sources confirmed Friday that woefully out-of-style woman Denise Agolado, 28, is still beset with last season’s body issues. “Look at her, walking around feeling insecure about her cankles and her lack of a thigh gap—does she have a single body-related anxiety that she didn’t read about in a year-old copy of Marie Claire?” said observer Shelly Palmer, 27, noting that last time she checked it wasn’t two summers ago. “Maybe if she had the slightest sense of taste she’d at least be worrying about her bikini bridge. Not that I’d expect her to hate herself over that.” Despite scoffing at Agolado’s outmoded body issues, sources conceded her orthorexia eating disorder was “very trendy.”
Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party #~# LANCASTER, PA—Explaining how their once-active discussion barely had the strength to continue on, sources confirmed Thursday that conversational lamprey Brian Kenney was slowly draining the life from acquaintance Josh Carrington’s dinner party. According to sources, Kenney firmly latched himself onto each of the night’s talking points and refused to let go until he sucked every ounce of energy from them, ultimately leaving each one too weakened and feeble to keep going. Despite their best efforts to shake off the conversational parasite and maintain a healthy discourse, guests confirmed that as soon as Kenney opened his mouth and dug into a topic, its vitality began quickly fading away, and it was only a matter of time before it wound up depleted and dead. After sapping the last bit of life from the dinner party, Kenney was reportedly seen trying to attach himself to a female guest in a desperate attempt to spawn.
McDonald’s Raising Wages 10% To Attract Better Workers #~# McDonald’s has announced that beginning July 1, it is raising employee wages at corporate-owned locations 10 percent, from an average of $9.01 per hour to an average of $9.90 per hour, which experts say will help it attract better and more sought-after employees. What do you think?
Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock #~# FORT COLLINS, CO—Describing the discovery as the most flawless specimen ever unearthed, a team of geologists working in northern Colorado announced Friday they had excavated a fully intact rock. “This stunning find provides an illuminating glimpse into what rocks may have looked like in their complete form millions of years ago,” said lead geologist James Powell, adding that the extremely well-preserved rock offers unprecedented insight into the physical structure, shape, and characteristics of early rocks in ways that incomplete stone fragments and shards never could. “Previously, reconstructing a whole rock from small remnant pieces was difficult, and we never had a complete specimen. We’d invariably end up with several missing parts, and we could only speculate about what might have filled them. But now, we can safely say that these empty spaces were most likely filled with other bits of rock. It looks nothing like we could possibly imagine.” Powell added that further research was necessary to determine if a geological link existed between rocks, pebbles, and boulders.
Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives. “Yeah, let’s do this!” 27-year-old Jeremy Higgins said after arriving at his friend group’s preferred drinking establishment, where he ritualistically held his hand aloft and struck the palms of his fellow revelers one by one, heralding the commencement of the wild night. “The gang’s all here—time to get things started!” At press time, sources confirmed that the friends were celebrating the arrival of the evening’s first round of drinks by reverently raising their beer bottles and clinking them together while formally intoning the word "Woo!"
How California Is Conserving Water #~# California governor Jerry Brown announced Wednesday that the state would impose its first-ever mandatory water reduction for residents in response to a four-year drought that has plagued large areas of the state. Here are some of California’s new measures to conserve water:
Madame Tussauds Appoints ‘Tissue Attendant’ To Comfort One Direction Fans #~# A spokesman for Madame Tussauds wax museum in London said in a statement that museum officials brought in 150 boxes of tissues to the One Direction exhibit and appointed a “tissue attendant” to help fans grieving over the departure of Zayn Malik, whose wax figure will not be removed from the lineup. What do you think?
Narcissist Convinced Total Strangers Would Want His Organs #~# AIKEN, SC—Demonstrating a total absorption in himself and his anatomy, narcissist Jesse Serrano is convinced that total strangers would actually want his organs, sources confirmed Thursday. “It was easy enough to sign up when I got my license, so I figured, why not?” said the pathologically self-obsessed man, who reportedly sincerely believes that people he has never met before would be willing, even grateful, to have his liver, heart, or lungs replace their own. “I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna need my organs when I’m gone.” The raging egomaniac, certain that everything inside another person’s body would be greatly improved if it were his, also told reporters that he already donated blood.
Wes Welker Fielding Offers From Numerous Concussion Researchers #~# DENVER—Saying that it’s a decision he needs to carefully consider and ultimately make together with his family, free agent wide receiver Wes Welker confirmed Thursday that he is currently fielding promising offers from a number of concussion researchers. “I’ve been in contact with quite a few research teams that have shown a lot of interest in bringing me in,” said Welker, adding that he had already held private face-to-face meetings with various medical staffs and toured the facilities at several of the country’s top brain trauma centers. “Ideally, I’d like to head back to New England—that’s where I’m most comfortable, and I’m already very familiar with the concussion doctors there. Some of these research programs are really insistent, though, and are more or less begging that I come to them as soon as possible. It’s all very flattering, but at the end of the day, I want to be surrounded by the absolute best, most talented group of specialists possible.” At press time, Welker had reportedly turned down an offer to return to Denver, where he would have most likely had to share time on the examination table with Broncos wide receiver Emmanuel Sanders.
Engineers Unveil New Driverless Car Capable Of Committing Hit-And-Run #~# PLANO, TX—Describing the prototype as a major technological breakthrough for autonomous vehicles, engineers at Toyota unveiled the first driverless car Thursday capable of committing a hit-and-run.
Chris Hemsworth Deputizes Hunk To Assume ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Duties In His Absence #~# LOS ANGELES—In a solemn ceremony held Thursday alongside the infinity pool at his Malibu estate, actor Chris Hemsworth reportedly deputized well-regarded local hunk Troy Richardson to assume all “Sexiest Man Alive” duties in his absence. “I hereby entrust you with the full rights and responsibilities of the position anytime I am unavailable, including the authority to show off your rock-hard abs in a sizzling GQ spread and accept Teen Choice Awards in my stead,” Hemsworth said during the official swearing-in, which was attended by several fellow hard-bodied beefcakes and a notary public. “Now repeat after me: I vow to maintain the cut and definition of my pecs, keep my body fat to a minimum, and never fasten the top three buttons of any shirt I wear. Congratulations, Troy.” At press time, sources confirmed Hemsworth had returned to the set of Thor: Ragnarok and sent the newly deputized studmuffin to be photographed while emerging bare-chested from the surf.
Report: Majority Of Earth’s Potable Water Trapped In Coca-Cola Products #~# CORVALLIS, OR—Fueling humanitarian concerns over the vital resource’s scarcity in many parts of the world, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Oregon State University has found that 68 percent of the earth’s supply of potable water is trapped in Coca-Cola products.
Karl Lagerfeld’s Cat Made $3 Million Last Year From Modeling Gigs #~# In an interview with New York magazine, fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld said that his cat, Choupette, made $3 million from two modeling gigs last year, one for a German car ad and the other for a Japanese beauty product. What do you think?
Tips For Dealing With College Rejection #~# Colleges across the country have mailed out acceptance and rejection letters for next year’s incoming class of students, which means many high school seniors will have to confront being denied admission to their top schools and figure out how to stay positive. Here are some tips for coping with a college rejection letter:
Study: Kids Allowed To Sip Alcohol Drink More As Teens #~# According to a new study, kids who have sipped alcohol by the sixth grade are five times more likely to have had a full drink by high school and four times more likely to get drunk or binge drink as teens. What do you think?
60-Year-Old Corporate Executive Grotesquely Forms Word ‘Hashtag’ #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Contorting his wrinkled mouth unnaturally in order to produce the vocalization, 60-year-old Vanderweigh Media CEO Robert Flynn reportedly employed his ancient organs of speech at a meeting Wednesday to grotesquely form the word “hashtag.” According to sources, the sexagenarian marketing executive began the hideous utterance by lifting the roof of his mouth slightly and forcing a putrid breath upwards through his ragged vocal cords, as a loose flap of neck skin vibrated in tandem. Observers told reporters that Flynn then mustered what little saliva he could and slid his tongue against the back of his yellowing teeth to articulate the second loathsome syllable. At press time, the ancient executive had dislodged a morsel of phlegm from the back of his throat and was preparing to befoul the conference room with the word “retweet.”
Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit #~# BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday that they would nevertheless continue defending whichever gays buy their cheap shit. “It’s important that any gays who come into our stores and blow money on some horribly constructed ironing board do so knowing that we stand with them in solidarity,” said Walmart spokesman John Kear, adding that the company would not stop pressuring politicians throughout the nation to recognize the rights of people of any sexual orientation who purchase a bunch of their flimsy tupperware that will be completely warped within a month. “If you’re gay and rummage around our $5 DVD bin, or just walk up and down our aisles looking for a pair of $10 unisex clogs, we support you. Respect and equality for those who spend an afternoon shopping for an uneven particle-board coffee table are fundamental values of all of us at Walmart.” Kear added that the matter hits particularly close to home, as he personally knows several gays who buy old produce from his local Walmart’s grocery store.
Woman Thinks She Can Just Waltz Back Into Work After Maternity Leave Without Bringing Baby To Office #~# KENWOOD, OH—Saying she has a lot of nerve to try and pull something like this, employees of insurance agency Boland & Sons told reporters Wednesday that coworker Emily Nelson seems to believe she can just waltz back into work after her maternity leave without once bringing her baby into the office. “I don’t know where she gets off thinking she doesn’t need to come in here with that baby strapped around her in a bjorn,” said Greg Sheldrick, adding that Nelson is out of her goddamn mind if she seriously believes showing off a few measly pictures of the newborn on her cell phone is an adequate substitute for bringing him around to meet everyone in their department. “She’s been back for three weeks already, so the grace period is over. She needs to come in with that baby in a stroller, roll it by my desk, and say ‘Somebody wants to say hello,’ or, frankly, she might as well never show her face here again. Seriously, every single person here better get a chance to lean in and smile at that baby, and God help her if she shows up the rest of this week empty-handed.” Sheldrick reportedly expressed equal astonishment that Nelson’s husband thinks he can get away with not once arriving with the infant to pick up his wife from work.
Aaron Hernandez’s Fiancée: ‘I Have No Idea What Incriminating Evidence Was In The Box I Threw Out’ #~# FALL RIVER, MA—While testifying during the murder trial of fiancé and former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, Shayanna Jenkins told prosecutors Monday that she had absolutely no idea what incriminating evidence was in the box he asked her to throw out. “I didn’t look inside, so I have no way of knowing if there was a gun in there, or a pile of bloody towels,” said Jenkins, adding that the box weighed roughly 40 pounds and therefore, for all she knew, could also have contained some shell casings removed from the scene of the crime. “Something in there rattled around a bit, but it might have just been a roll of duct tape or a knife with his fingerprints on it. All I know is that it definitely wasn’t the shoes Aaron wore that night, because I got rid of those a couple of hours before that.” When asked to be more specific with her answers, a visibly emotional Jenkins told the prosecution that it was difficult for her to recall the exact events defense attorneys told her happened that night.
Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public. “Oh, God, just look at that gross couple over there, making eye contact and generally acknowledging each other’s presence—don’t they realize there are other people around?” said restaurant patron Collin Hicks, who was seated at a table next to the shamelessly communicating couple, one of dozens of eyewitnesses who expressed their revulsion at the twosome engaging in loud, impassioned chatting in crowded stores, parks, aboard public transportation, and on busy sidewalks. “I’ve tried to pretend like I don’t notice all the smiling and laughing, but even when I look away I can still hear the sound of them discussing all sorts of topics with one another. It’s fine if they have this kind of back-and-forth in the privacy of their home, but doing it right in front of dozens of strangers just trying to get through their meals? It’s sick. I’ve got kids with me—just think of what message this is sending them.” Hicks added that some couples must just get off on the idea of other people watching them converse.
New Poll Finds 74% Of Americans Would Be Comfortable Blaming Female President For Problems #~# WASHINGTON—Indicating a major shift in public opinion from just a generation ago, a poll conducted by Gallup this week found that 74 percent of Americans would be comfortable blaming a female president for the problems facing the nation. “According to our latest survey, nearly three quarters of Americans now say they’d be willing to saddle a female president with blame for everything from a stagnant economy to interminable wars in the Middle East, up from barely half of respondents a decade earlier,” said lead researcher Jennifer Cervantes, emphasizing that while nine of every 10 voters under the age of 40 said they could see themselves condemning a woman president on nearly any issue, older voters—a demographic typically more opposed to vilifying a female commander-in-chief and angrily attributing America’s declining global influence and ballooning debt to her incompetence—were now becoming increasingly receptive to the possibility. “The change has been striking; for the first time in this nation’s history, we’re entering an election year in which a significant majority of voters say they can see themselves denouncing everything a female president does and accusing her of being the single worst thing that has ever happened to the country.” In a further sign of Americans’ evolving views, the study also found that 95 percent of Americans now believe they’ll bitterly abhor a female president in their lifetime.
NBC Announces Next Live Musical Will Be ‘The Wiz’ #~# NBC has announced its next live holiday musical production will be The Wiz, a long-running musical theater version of The Wizard Of Oz starring a predominantly African-American cast, which was turned into a movie starring Michael Jackson in 1978. What do you think?
Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect #~# WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Meredith Wyckoff and Hannah Lowell to reconnect with one another. “Thanks to social media and text messaging, Hannah and I can reach out to each other with just the click of a button, which is awful,” said Wyckoff, who through the numerous technological conveniences now available to her can send out half-hearted birthday wishes and obligatory life updates to her 10th-grade biology lab partner and equally disinterested minor acquaintance. “We’re both pretty active on Instagram, and we use Gchat all the time, so there’s sadly no excuse for us not to keep in touch. Without all of that, Hannah and I probably would have just sort of naturally drifted apart over the years. Which, to clarify, I would have been perfectly fine with.” At press time, Wyckoff and Lowell were both silently cursing after Facebook had revealed they were both in their hometown this week, forcing them to make plans to grab coffee and catch up.
Candidate Profile: Martin O’Malley #~# Former Maryland governor and Baltimore mayor Martin O’Malley announced Saturday that he will enter the 2016 presidential race, becoming the third Democratic hopeful to officially declare his candidacy. Here are some key facts to know about O’Malley:
Report: Artist Who Drew Iconic Obama ‘Hope’ Poster Has Lost Hope In Him #~# In an interview with Esquire, street artist Shepard Fairey said that seven years after designing the iconic red-and-blue poster of Obama with the word “Hope,” he has personally lost faith in the president, who he thinks is “not even close” to living up to how he was represented on the poster. What do you think?
Child Therapist Excited To Actually Be Seeing Patient With Psychological Issues #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Saying she was glad to finally be able to apply her psychiatric training, local child therapist Pamela Thornton expressed her excitement to reporters Friday at the prospect of seeing a patient with actual psychological issues. “It’s thrilling to have a kid in here for once who’s truly suffering from a behavioral disorder that legitimately requires regular therapy sessions,” said Thornton, adding that she was elated at the opportunity to delve into past traumas, evaluate recurring thoughts, and set up a treatment plan for the child who had genuine, clinically diagnosable depression. “This isn’t just some kid who started talking back to his parents or can’t sit still for more than a minute—this one could, in all reality, potentially pose a risk to himself or others. It’s kind of a treat.” Thornton later confirmed to reporters that she still planned on prescribing the same medication she recommends for all of her patients.
FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund #~# ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund. “While our organization takes these allegations very seriously, we can guarantee with total confidence that the charges will not hinder or restrict the 2022 slush fund in Qatar,” said FIFA president Sepp Blatter, adding that the unreported personal expenditures and under-the-table government kickbacks will take place at multiple venues throughout the Middle Eastern country as scheduled. “Regardless of this ongoing probe, our officials are committed to accepting bribes in exchange for FIFA media and marketing rights, redirecting construction funds to personal expense accounts, and offering lavish gifts to Qatari political ministers in order to sidestep government regulations exactly as originally planned. These accusations of wrongdoing will not be a distraction as we prepare for what we all hope will be the greatest FIFA slush fund yet.” Blatter added that the indictments will also have no effect on the 2018 slush fund in Russia, noting that the country’s framework for corruption is already firmly in place.
SkyMall Announces Return Of Print Edition To Planes #~# Five months after it discontinued its airplane print catalogue and filed for bankruptcy, SkyMall announced that it was recently purchased at an auction by a marketing company for $1.9 million and will be returning to planes later this year. What do you think?
Scientists Make Unclear Breakthrough After Giving Robot Cancer #~# STANFORD, CA—Theorizing that their work most likely represents a groundbreaking scientific achievement of some kind, researchers at Stanford University announced Thursday that they have made an unclear breakthrough by giving a robot cancer.
Party Guest Hoping Birthday Card With Shirtless Hunk Taken In Playful Spirit With Which It Was Intended #~# ALBANY, NY—Second-guessing the purchase as she arrived at her friend’s birthday party Friday, area woman Kelly Hardin told reporters she hoped her humorous card featuring a shirtless hunk would be received by Amanda Riordan in the fun, lighthearted spirit with which it was intended. “The image is a bit risqué, what with the man showing off his bare abs and all, so hopefully she’ll understand the suggestive nature of the card was meant as a joke and its sole purpose was to amuse,” said Hardin, adding that, by presenting the image of a tanned, muscular stud wearing nothing but tight jeans and a cowboy hat and wishing the recipient a “very sexy birthday,” she in no way sought to imply that Riordan was presently in need of sexual gratification or excessively libidinous in nature. “She probably won’t be offended and will instead see the ridiculous photo of this buff, hunky guy and just laugh, or at least smile. Of course, even if she isn’t insulted outright, she may question whether it was a tasteful way for me to convey my birthday wishes. I’d really hate for something like this to cause damage to our friendship.” At press time, Hardin could be seen apologizing profusely to Riordan for having made such a serious and inappropriate transgression.
Survey: 1 In 4 Harvard Seniors Didn’t Have Sex During College #~# According to a survey conducted by The Harvard Crimson to which half the class responded, one in four graduating seniors stated that they didn’t have sex while at Harvard, though many said they had sex before attending the school. What do you think?
The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette #~# The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:
Report: Underpaid Migrant Laborers Working 18 Hours Per Day On FIFA Legal Defense #~# ZURICH—Following a massive U.S. Department of Justice indictment alleging that high-ranking members of the global soccer organization conducted widespread financial fraud, sources confirmed Thursday that underpaid migrant laborers are currently working roughly 18 hours a day preparing FIFA’s legal defense. “We have reason to believe that dozens of malnourished, impoverished workers are being exploited by FIFA for their labor as they attempt to build a defense strategy for charges including bribery, money laundering, and racketeering,” said Human Rights Watch spokesperson Reed Brody, noting that the laborers, who originate from countries including Bangladesh, Thailand, and Senegal, have been reviewing financial records and filing subpoenas for hours on end in a fetid, dimly lit boiler room inside FIFA headquarters. “Some of those working to research relevant RICO cases are said to be as young as 14 years old, and we know of at least three cases of workers who died of exhaustion while preparing documents for pretrial motions. Of course, for all this grueling paralegal work, they are still only making a nominal 32 cents per hour.” Brody added that human rights organizations are also investigating reports of a Nepalese man who disappeared the day after attempting to submit a guilty plea on behalf of an indicted FIFA official.
Olay Getting Women To Drop Guard With Few Nonjudgmental Ads Before Nailing Them With Body Shame #~# CINCINNATI—Laying out a new marketing strategy to reach customers and promote their brand, skin care giant Olay announced plans Thursday to run just enough nonjudgmental ads to get women to let their guard down before it absolutely nails them with body shame.
Tech Industry Employees Drinking Liquid Meals To Work Longer Hours #~# According to a report in The New York Times, coders, engineers, and other tech industry employees who work long hours are opting to replace meals with liquid food products to avoid wasting time eating on the job. What do you think?
GM Announces Plans To Recall Driverless Car By 2021 #~# DETROIT—Saying the automaker is always looking ahead to the future, top executives from General Motors announced plans Thursday to recall a fully autonomous car by 2021. “By early next decade, GM plans to put over 500,000 self-driving vehicles on the nation’s roads, and then later take them off the roads amidst serious public safety concerns,” said CEO Mary Barra during a press event, explaining that she was certain General Motors would be the first major car manufacturer in the world to roll out a large-scale recall of a driverless automobile. “We’ve begun to test several autonomous prototypes with life-threatening mechanical flaws, and in just six short years, we’re confident that you’ll see GM driverless cars in nearly every tragic newspaper article and television news segment in America.” Barra added that GM’s forthcoming self-driving car would receive the highest-profile model line launch and ensuing defect cover-up in the company’s history.
Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is #~# YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is. “If something goes wrong and the lights go off, you’re going to want to know how to get to this,” your father reportedly said while leading you down the basement stairs, before opening the gray metal panel on the wall and pointing out each of the 12 individual electrical switches. “This one goes to the washer-dryer, and these go to the kitchen. If you blow a fuse somewhere and something stops working, you’ve got to find the correct one and push it over to ‘off,’ and then flip it back on again. This is the main power breaker; don’t touch that one.” At press time, your dad added that as long as we’re at it, he might as well teach you how to relight the pilot light on the furnace, too.
FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States #~# Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon
IRS: Hackers Stole Info From 100,000 Taxpayers #~# The Internal Revenue Service admitted Tuesday that “an army of hackers” used the personal data of 100,000 taxpayers to break into an IRS online service and steal their tax returns and other information, which the IRS has promised to rectify in part by providing credit monitoring. What do you think?
Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair. “I’m definitely looking for someone fairly new to Hollywood, a face that isn’t already too familiar,” said Hastings, who noted that going with an ingénue in her early 20s over a better-established actress could provide just the kind of novelty he has in mind. “With the right person, youth isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Younger actresses are often more willing to take chances, and they tend to take direction well, too.” Hastings later acknowledged that the process may take some time, but said he is prepared to evaluate as many actresses as necessary in order to find the perfect fit.
Alarming Report Finds Hundreds Of Items Still Not Available In S’Mores Flavor #~# WASHINGTON—Calling it a glaring and unacceptable gap in the nation’s diet, an alarming study released Thursday by the Center for Science in the Public Interest revealed that hundreds of everyday food items remained unavailable in s’mores flavor. “Our research found that numerous items—even staples such as milk and bread—are still rarely found in a s’mores variety,” said CSPI senior nutrition policy counsel Jessica Almy, adding that it was all too easy to fill an entire shopping cart with products completely untouched by artificial graham cracker, chocolate, and marshmallow flavoring agents. “Until all food items are chemically manipulated to taste like s’mores themselves, or at least contain s’mores filling, we urge consumers to read food labels carefully before purchasing.” Almy went on to praise Nabisco for its recent introduction of S’mores Oreos, and expressed hope that other brands such as Minute Maid orange juice, Wesson cooking oil, and Hebrew National hot dogs would soon follow suit.
Candidate Profile: Rick Santorum #~# 
Report: George W. Bush Offered To Officiate Gay Wedding In 2013 #~# A recent article in the Boston Globe on Jeb Bush’s new cottage in Maine revealed that his brother George W. Bush offered to officiate the wedding of two lesbian friends in 2013 but had to back out because of a scheduling conflict. What do you think?
Preventing Childhood Obesity #~# Childhood obesity has doubled in children and quadrupled in adolescents over the past three decades, which is why it’s more important than ever for parents to take proactive steps to keep their children at a healthy weight. Here are some ways to prevent childhood obesity:
Roommates Assured Girlfriend Only Staying Over For Entire Duration Of Relationship #~# PORTLAND, ME—In an effort to ease any concerns about her presence at the apartment, local man Jason Ballard assured his two roommates Wednesday that his girlfriend would only be staying over for the entire duration of their relationship. “Yeah, I know Anne was using the shower this morning, but she’s only going to be hanging out here until we’re no longer dating—that’s it,” said Ballard, who promised that he and his girlfriend would just be watching movies on the living room couch and cooking in the kitchen every night from now until their relationship ends, and then she would be out of their hair. “Just so you know, she’ll definitely be gone by the time our relationship is over. Honestly, you’ll hardly notice that she’s here.” At press time, both roommates were reportedly confident that Ballard’s girlfriend would most likely leave the apartment by the end of the month.
Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza. “I get excited whenever Mom is really quiet and her eyes get all red and puffy, because that usually means we’ll be getting pizza with whatever toppings we want,” said Paulo, 8, whose sister confirmed they can barely wait for the evenings when their pajama-clad mother simply calls in the order and hands them money to pay the delivery person before going up to bed for the rest of the night. “Sometimes, if she cries in front of us, not only do we get pizza, but we also get to stay up really late watching TV. Those nights are the best. One time, she even let us get cheesy bread and watch an R-rated movie.” At press time, the siblings were growing optimistic as their mother hadn’t moved from lying on the couch in over an hour.
PacSun Receives Backlash For Selling Inverted American Flag T-Shirt On Memorial Day #~# Clothing retailer PacSun received backlash over Memorial Day weekend after selling a T-shirt featuring a black-and-white image of an upside-down American flag, which angered veterans and shoppers who found it disrespectful. What do you think?
Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth #~# ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth. “When the Zamboni started slowing down and shaking during the intermission, I initially thought something was wrong, but then I realized it was actually in labor,” said Anaheim fan Kyle Boneta, 32, adding that, after crowning for several minutes, the motor oil–covered newborn Zamboni then fell squeegee-first from its exhausted mother’s underside and onto the Ducks logo at center ice. “He eventually got up and tried to move around, but he was wobbling a lot because his wheels were so small. The whole thing was beautiful, especially seeing the little guy follow his mother around as they resurfaced the ice before the third period. It was really adorable.” Ducks officials told reporters the delivery was a far greater success than a similar event during the 2013 playoffs, when a Zamboni quickly devoured its offspring shortly after giving birth.
2.8-Million-Year-Old Cycle Of Human Cruelty Continues Unabated On Elementary School Playground #~# HAMILTON, OH—Following in the same patterns of viciousness and savagery that have persisted since the dawn of mankind, the 2.8-million-year-old cycle of human cruelty reportedly continued unabated Tuesday on the playground of Hamilton Elementary School.
It’s Terrifying To Think That In 1,000 Years, All Of Us Will Be Forgotten Except For Me #~# We all want to believe that our lives have meaning and purpose, that our actions can have a lasting impact on the world around us. But on the grand scale of the universe, a human life passes in the blink of an eye, all remembrance of it lost like a grain of sand on an endlessly shifting beach. Terrifying though it may be, the reality we must all face up to is that 1,000 years from now, every one of us will be forgotten except for me, Bill Paxton.
Study: Skipping Meals May Lead To Belly Fat #~# Contradicting the belief that skipping meals can lead to a slimmer waist, a new study has found that opting out of meals may actually lead to more belly fat because it confuses the body’s metabolic processes and leads it to produce extra glucose that is stored as fat. What do you think?
Man Confident Perfect Dating App Waiting For Him Out There Somewhere #~# RIVERSIDE, CA—Saying that if he keeps searching then the right one is bound to come along sooner or later, 28-year-old local man Carter Ecklund told reporters Tuesday he is confident the perfect dating app is waiting for him somewhere. “I know it might sound naïve, but I really do believe there’s an online dating service out there that was meant for me,” said Ecklund, adding that he remains undiscouraged by the fact that, while many of his friends have already found websites or downloadable apps that seem to make them happy, he himself has struggled to find an internet matchmaking program he feels truly compatible with. “I’ve been with a lot of great sites in the past—one of my subscriptions even lasted more than a year—but for one reason or another they just never seemed to work out. My friends are always telling me there are plenty of dating services out there that would be lucky to have me. It gets frustrating, but I know I just need to keep looking.” At press time, an excited Ecklund informed reporters that he was recently introduced to an online dating site that he could really see himself spending the rest of his life with.
Parents Clinging To Lone Religious Element Of Daughter’s Wedding Ceremony #~# ROCHESTER, NY—After sitting through an outdoor ceremony officiated by the groom’s best friend, local parents Scott and Linda McNeil were clinging to the lone religious element of their daughter’s wedding, sources confirmed Saturday. “The vows they wrote for each other were nice, but the passage from Corinthians they used on the back of the wedding program was just beautiful,” said Linda McNeil, adding that she and her husband were both deeply touched by the inclusion of the biblical quote “Love still stands when all else has fallen,” which appeared beneath a verse from a Sarah McLachlan song. “I’ve always loved that passage, and it’s a part of the Scripture that really captures who they are.” McNeil then added that she knew the small image of a dove above the quote would have made her late mother very happy.
Police Assure Residents Kidnapping Was Only One Of Those Custody-Related Ones #~#  ‘Nothing To Worry About,’ Officials Say
Car Buying Tips #~# Buying a car is a huge financial investment, and it’s important to make sure you’ve taken the right steps to finding the most affordable and convenient vehicle for you. Here are some tips for picking out and purchasing a car:
Six Flags Adds Sleeper Cars To Its Roller Coasters For Passengers Who Prefer More Restful Ride #~# GRAND PRAIRIE, TX—In an effort to accommodate passengers who wish to relax and get some rest during their ride, amusement park operator Six Flags confirmed Friday it had begun to add sleeper cars to all its roller coasters throughout North America.
Airplane Rains Down Human Waste On Teen’s Sweet 16 Party #~# A teenager from Levittown, PA celebrating her Sweet 16 party outdoors this week had her event ruined when a plane flying overhead emptied its human waste containers into the sky and feces rained down on the guests. What do you think?
James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard #~# HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors. “I was going up for a rebound, and all of a sudden I heard this loud snap followed by a sudden rush of excruciating pain in the lower part of my beard,” said Harden, adding that he immediately rushed to the locker room clutching his rapidly swelling facial hair in both hands. “I’ve been icing it, but it doesn’t look like the inflammation is going down much, and it still hurts a lot whenever I try running my fingers through it. We’ll see how it feels for tomorrow’s game, but right now I’m just hoping that I don’t need offseason beard surgery.” At press time, Harden was meeting with Rockets medical personnel in order to discuss receiving a cortisone injection directly into his beard that would enable him to play through the pain.
Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series #~# UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series. “Jon just got through a long and emotionally involved show, so I don’t understand why he’s so eager to settle into something new right away,” said friend Meredith Wagner, adding that Gember should take some time to decompress and reflect on the 92 episodes he enjoyed with Sons of Anarchy rather than immediately dive in with season one of The Shield. “He ended things with that old show earlier this week, but it sounds like he’s already caught up in this new one pretty bad. I keep telling him that he should slow things down, but he’s practically spending every waking minute with it.” Wagner added that she thought it would benefit Gember to hold off on becoming too invested in another serious television show and instead “play the field” for a while by enjoying a series of noncommittal, one-night movie viewings.
Matt Lauer Waits In Parking Garage For Anonymous Source On Parenting Trends #~# NEW YORK—Nervously checking his watch and glancing around the desolate underground parking garage in anticipation, The Today Show host Matt Lauer was reportedly waiting for an anonymous source with inside knowledge of the latest parenting trends during the early morning hours Thursday.
Middle School Teacher Arrested For Allowing Students To Have Sex In Classroom #~# A middle school teacher in Georgia has been arrested for allegedly allowing students to schedule times to have sex in the storage closet of the classroom, informing them when it would be free to use and providing condoms in some cases. What do you think?
Declassified Documents Reveal Bin Laden’s Al-Qaeda Job Application #~# The Office of the Director of National Intelligence this week declassified hundreds of documents collected during the 2011 raid of Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan compound, including his original job application for al-Qaeda, which, along with requesting regular contact information, asked applicants whether they would be willing to be suicide bombers and who to contact in case of martyrdom. What do you think?
Strongside/Weakside: James Harden #~# James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?
Pipeline Company Rushes To Contain Oil Spill To Small Section Of Media #~# GOLETA, CA—In an effort to minimize the impact of the disaster occurring along the California coastline, Plains All American Pipeline officials rushed this week to contain the oil spill to a small section of the media. “Crews are working around the clock to prevent information about the incident from spreading beyond the inside pages of newspapers and the final minutes of news programs,” said CEO Greg Armstrong, adding that the company deeply regretted that the crude spill had seeped into the news cycle and that it was devoting all its resources to stopping the slick from expanding into lead stories. “Our top priority is to do everything in our power to make sure this oil spill is restricted to a 30-second segment or 150-word article at most. Once it’s contained, we have specialized teams that can quickly and safely remove it from the news and limit any damage it could cause.” At press time, the company was scrambling to shut down the flow of oil-soaked pelican photos that was entering the mainstream media.
Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game #~# ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline. “I figured I have nothing else to do, so I might as well try to think up some weird plays while I’m sitting here,” Blatt said while sketching out an increasingly elaborate offensive sequence involving 12 consecutive pick-and-rolls before the point guard shoots the ball from the baseline. “I know none of these plays will ever get used, so I’m just seeing what I can come up with. I drew this one with five centers all stacked together on the perimeter, and then they rush to the basket at the same time and pass the ball behind their backs until the last guy dunks it—that one was really cool.” At press time, after calling a timeout in the third quarter, Cavs forward LeBron James grabbed Blatt’s clipboard out of his hands, quickly erased it, and began diagramming the team’s next inbounds play.
Items Found In Bin Laden’s Compound #~# On Wednesday, the U.S. government declassified more than 400 documents and other material seized from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan hideout during the 2011 raid that resulted in his death. Here are some of the items found in the former al-Qaeda leader’s compound: 
College Allowing Students Individual Commencement Speakers To Make Ceremony Acceptable For All #~# WORTHEN, CT—Saying the move will help avoid any controversy during the celebration, administrators from Boswitch College confirmed Thursday that the school will allow each graduating senior to choose an individual commencement speaker in order to make the ceremony acceptable for all. “By letting every student handpick their own honorary guest to deliver a personal graduation address one-on-one, we hope to ensure that all viewpoints are respected and validated on this important day,” said Boswitch College president Steven Boyd, adding that each of the 1,400 members of the graduating class will be able to sit directly across from their invited speaker and listen to their address during the event on the campus’s main quad. “Each of the speakers will be given a podium and will have approximately 20 minutes to simultaneously deliver their remarks to their respective student, at which point the ceremony will conclude. We believe this arrangement will guarantee that none of our students will be forced to contend with disagreeable opinions while observing this momentous milestone.” At press time, the college was being sharply criticized by a number of graduating seniors, who reportedly had overheard objectionable remarks from the commencement speaker of the student sitting next to them.
Man Celebrates Raise Company Will Eventually Use To Justify Firing Him #~# CINCINNATI—Unaware that it will soon be regarded by his managers as an unnecessary drain on the company’s bottom line, local software engineer Rob Lofland reportedly celebrated a raise Thursday that his employer will eventually use to justify firing him. “This is absolutely great—the extra money is going to help out a lot,” said Lofland, who was reported to be beaming with pride over the 15 percent increase in his salary, which two years from now, company executives will decide would be more effectively allocated to two younger and far less qualified hires. “I’ve been waiting on this for a while, but I’m certainly not going to complain. Drinks are on me tonight!” At press time, Lofland was sending an email expressing his gratitude to the supervisor who will one day explain his severance package.
Starbucks Partners With Spotify To ‘Make The Barista The DJ’ #~# Starbucks announced that it has made a special partnership with Spotify that gives Spotify subscriptions to all baristas around the country so they can curate the playlists that play in local stores, explaining, “We’re making the barista the DJ.” What do you think?
Proposed Law Would Require Mothers To Look At Pictures Of Congressmen She Disappointing Before Having Abortion #~# WASHINGTON—Arguing that the measure would help women fully understand the consequences of their decision, members of the House of Representatives introduced a new bill this week that would require anyone seeking an abortion to view images of the congressmen she will disappoint prior to undergoing the procedure. “Before any pregnancy can be terminated, women will have a chance to see the faces of these politicians, which will help them make an informed decision as to whether they’d really like to go through with letting down an elected public servant,” Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ) said of the proposed law, which also mandates that women listen to audio of the lawmakers’ talking points on when life begins. “What this bill does is show women that, hey, these congressmen aren’t just faceless legislators; they’re real politicians whose agendas are being destroyed. Once they see the actual eyes and ears and other features of the lawmakers whose spirits they’re breaking, I believe they’ll rethink what they’re about to do.” In response to backlash from women’s rights groups, the bill’s sponsors said that if women don’t want to view the images, they are free to close their eyes or just look away.
Roger Goodell, Robert Kraft Attempt To Rekindle Relationship With Spa Getaway #~# SEDONA, AZ—Having admitted to growing somewhat apart recently, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft departed for a three-day spa getaway Wednesday in an attempt to rekindle their strained relationship, sources close to the pair confirmed. “There’s been a lot of tension between us lately, and we felt it was important to get away from our hectic lives and spend some time just focusing on us,” said Goodell, adding that a few days of couples hot-stone massages, side-by-side aromatherapy pedicures, and herbal facials would help recapture the happiness and intimacy they initially felt after first meeting. “Every owner-commissioner relationship has its ups and downs, and when you’ve been together for as long as we have, you’re bound to hit a few rough patches. But we already feel so much closer after spending an hour in the sauna together and then relaxing on our balcony with a bottle of wine and some chocolate fondue.” Goodell went on to say that despite their recent issues, he knows deep down that he and Kraft both just want what’s best for the Patriots.
Toyota Recalls 1993 Camry Due To Fact That Owners Really Should Have Bought Something New By Now #~# TOKYO—Saying it was simply time for drivers to move on, Toyota Motor Corp. issued a recall of its entire 1993 Camry model line Wednesday due to the fact that its owners really should have bought something new by now. “We understand that the 1993 Camry was tremendously dependable, but, honestly, there’s just no excuse for driving a 22-year-old car at this point,” said Toyota spokesman Haruki Kinoshita, adding that, with all the advances in automotive technology that have taken place, no one really had any business driving a vehicle for more than two decades. “We’re not saying you have to buy a new 2015 Camry or splurge on a flashy new hybrid, or even that your new car has to be a Toyota at all. But the bottom line is that you need to start fresh, however you choose to do so.” While Toyota is reportedly confining its recall to the 1993 Camry, it also issued a warning to owners of 1994 to 1998 models alerting them to the fact that they were really starting to push it.
Pros And Cons Of Raising The Minimum Wage #~# As cities around the country, including Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, and Seattle, pass or propose legislation to substantially increase the minimum wage for workers, debate has raged over the potential economic, social, and fiscal impact. Here are some of the pros and cons of raising the minimum wage:
U.S. Dispatches Condolence Drones To Middle East Following Civilian Casualties #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to limit the fallout from any unintended collateral damage, the Pentagon has dispatched a fleet of unmanned aerial vehicles to the Middle East specially designed to express condolences for the civilian casualties of U.S. drone airstrikes, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Los Angeles Approves $15 Minimum Wage #~# The Los Angeles City Council has voted to raise the minimum wage to $15 per hour by 2020, making it the biggest city in the nation to do so in an effort to improve the lives of the poorest Americans. What do you think?
Vilsack Stays Up All Night With Sick Corn Plant #~# WASHINGTON—Gently applying a cool cloth to the plant’s kernels as he cradled its frail stalk in his arms, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack stayed up all night caring for a sick corn plant, sources close to the former Iowa governor confirmed Tuesday. “There, there—you’re going to be all right,” the fretful cabinet member said as he stroked the plant’s wilted leaves and browning tassels, feeding it spoonfuls of nourishing, nitrogen-rich fertilizer. “Be brave for me, little one. We’re going to make sure you get all better.” At press time, sources reported that a tearful but determined Vilsack had mercifully snapped the corncob in half to put the dying plant out of its misery.
Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions #~# CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions. “The first time he showed sound judgment on a pressing company matter and made a rational, well-thought-out choice we thought it was a fluke, but then he nailed the very next one, and we realized Don was on a serious roll,” said junior account manager Steven Hatton, adding that Marshall’s string of back-to-back coherent business moves based on analytical reasoning was a new personal best for the 52-year-old. “No one in the office has ever seen him catch fire like this. If he can pull off a third consecutive sensible decision, he might just blow the roof off this place.” At press time, Marshall was reportedly drafting a company-wide email that threatened to bring his remarkable run to a crashing end.
Woman Already Off To Bad Start As Mother After Requesting Epidural #~# COLUMBIA, MD—In a purely self-interested move that is certain to set the tone for the next 18 years, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Rebecca McBride is already off to a bad start as a mother after requesting an epidural during the delivery of her first child. According to accounts, McBride took the easy way out by asking doctors to administer a pain reliever minutes before going into active labor with her son, proving that she simply isn’t cut out for the challenges of motherhood. Reports indicate that the weak-willed McBride, who could have started her maternal years on the right foot by putting in the effort necessary to withstand the physical discomfort, instead dropped the ball during her very first moments as a parent by taking anesthesia that would render her completely detached from her child’s entry into the world. Sources then expressed their deepest sympathies for McBride’s newborn son, Joshua, after his negligent mother sat around doing nothing and had to rely on someone else to clear her baby’s blocked airway rather than take care of her child’s problem herself.
Study: Kids Perform Better When Schools Ban Cell Phones #~# According to a new study from the London School of Economics, kids attending schools that ban cell phones during the day scored 6 percent better on tests than peers at schools that let kids have phones with them. What do you think?
Child Unaware Just How Many Of His Toys Intended To Steer Him Away From Homosexuality #~# HUDSON, WI—Making engine noises with his mouth as he guided a model bulldozer toward a Hot Wheels racetrack play set, local 5-year-old Dylan Walde was reportedly unaware Wednesday just how many of his toys have been purchased to steer him away from one day adopting a homosexual lifestyle. “Vroom, vroom,” said Walde, completely oblivious to the fact that throughout his life, his parents and extended family members have repeatedly stood in department store toy aisles and actively decided against buying him watercolor paints, a hula hoop, or a kid-sized shopping cart in favor of toys they hope will reinforce a heterosexual male orientation. “Look out for the dump truck!” At press time, Walde had begun to pick out a few notes on his sister’s toy piano before an older relative swiftly confiscated it.
Heartless Monster Walks Out Of Local Small Business Without Buying Anything #~# TOPEKA, KS—Expressing dismay at his shockingly coldblooded behavior, sources confirmed that local man and heartless monster Ethan McKenzie, 34, walked out of local small business Hearthstone Artisan Goods on Tuesday without purchasing anything. According to reports, the unrepentantly cruel individual was observed browsing the shop for nearly 20 minutes, yet was unable to find room within his shriveled, blackened heart to make even a token purchase at the independent, family-owned business. Though McKenzie picked up and examined several items during his twisted jaunt through the store, sources confirmed that the incredibly callous man returned each of them to its display, even possessing the unthinkable malice required to make eye contact with and smile at the store’s proprietor while carelessly re-shelving a handmade candle. At press time, sources confirmed that the misanthrope had strolled past the cash register toward the store’s exit without exhibiting so much as a trace of remorse, uttering a curt “thank you” over one shoulder in a final act of viciousness.
Report: Cannes Bans Women Not Wearing High Heels #~# According to reports from some publications covering the Cannes Film Festival, a number of women who were wearing flats instead of high heels were turned away from the red carpet for a high-profile screening unless they changed shoes, and actor Josh Brolin allegedly responded that he would walk the red carpet in high heels to protest the policy. What do you think?
Breakup Survival Tips #~# Everyone goes through breakups, but learning how to deal with your feelings and find closure can help you get over your split in a healthy, productive way. Here are some tips for surviving your breakup and moving on from your relationship:
FAO Schwarz Closing Flagship Store Due To Rising Rent #~# Due to the rising costs of Manhattan real estate, high-end toy store FAO Schwarz will close its iconic Fifth Avenue flagship location and look to open another store elsewhere in the city. What do you think?
Until I Had Kids, I Never Thought I Could Love Something Almost As Much As Myself #~# Having a child can be the most transformative experience of a person’s life. You get so used to living your life a certain way—focused solely on your job, your social life, your personal goals—and then, just like that, it all changes. That’s what happened to me last year when my daughter, Jane, was born. Until that moment, I never in a million years thought I could love anything almost as much as myself.
New Report Finds Humanity 10 Years Away From Something Called Ash Age #~# TUCSON, AZ—Explaining that the large-scale shift in geologic conditions and social organization would require a new taxonomic classification, researchers at the University of Arizona released a report Tuesday revealing that humanity is approximately 10 years away from something that will be called the Ash Age. “According to our projections, within the next decade, conditions on Earth will become such that human civilization will enter a span of time best classified as the Ash Age, or potentially the Gray Epoch,” said the study’s co-author Kevin Reynolds, who told reporters that by 2025, Ash Age peoples will discontinue their city- and village-based societies and transition to the more common “roaming clan system” that will define life for the next era of human existence. “Our data indicate that the Ash Age will be further subdivided into three distinct periods, known as the Smoldering Ash Age, the Middle Ash Age, and the Wailing Ash Age, each of which will last for approximately 200 to 250 millennia.” Reynolds added that early calculations signaled the Ash Age would likely end around 700,000 A.D. and be followed by something called the Eon of Blood.
Hillary Clinton Campaign Shuts Down After Blowing Through $2 Billion In First Month #~# NEW YORK—Having grossly miscalculated the resources required for an 18-month presidential bid, Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton announced Tuesday she had ended her race for the White House after blowing through $2 billion of campaign funds in a single month. “Admittedly, my staff and I haven’t kept a close enough eye on our financials over the past few weeks, and certain of our expenditures, such as the 800,000-square-foot Hillary For America headquarters we broke ground on in Des Moines and those seven backup campaign buses, appear to have been poor decisions,” said Clinton, who faulted several crucial missteps, including the licensing of every song in the Fleetwood Mac catalogue for her campaign appearances and sending two pounds of direct-mail solicitations each day to every man, woman, and child in the nation. “While it seemed a winning strategy at first, buying up all the primetime commercial blocks on every network affiliate in all 50 states was probably ill-advised, as was hiring our 3,000-member campaign team in Puerto Rico, which does not have any electoral votes.” The former secretary of state went on to say she was confident the lessons she had learned from her mistakes this time around would only make her a stronger candidate in 2020.
Scientists: Flies May Have Capacity For Fear #~# According to new research from Caltech, fruit flies are capable of entering a fear-like state when they see a shadow from a fly swatter, suggesting that small insects might contain the building blocks for emotion, though it’s unclear whether they experience emotions the way humans do. What do you think?
Famous Television Finales #~# The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years:
Wedding Guest Blissfully Unaware She Barely Made The Cut #~# CARLISLE, PA—Saying she was having a “wonderful time” as she danced and socialized with fellow guests Saturday night, wedding-goer Corinne Bauer was said to be blissfully unaware she had barely made the cut to receive an invitation. “The ceremony was just gorgeous, and you couldn’t have asked for more perfect weather,” said the wholly oblivious Bauer, 29, who narrowly beat out two distant cousins and the groom’s former boss to claim the 110th and final spot on the couple’s invite list. “That dress, the location, the decor—everything has been magical. I feel so lucky to be able to share this day with the bride and groom.” According to sources, Bauer, who made a point of visiting the head table to offer her sincere congratulations, was only selected to attend because the couple knew she would not bring a date.
Study: Average Father Thinks About Sealing In Meat’s Juices 4 To 5 Hours A Day #~# VILLANOVA, PA—Confirming that it is the single most frequent thought on fathers’ minds, a study released Monday by researchers at Villanova University found that the average dad thinks about sealing in meat’s juices between four and five hours per day. “Our research indicates that the typical dad thinks about sealing the juices into steaks, burgers, chops, and other meats hundreds of times over a typical 24-hour period,” lead researcher Marissa Gerard said of the study, which tracked how often fathers in their 40s pondered bringing a grill to high heat, searing the surface of a steak, and then pulling it off at just the right time to retain a juicy red color inside. “Whether a father is at work, at home, or already marinating another meat, roughly every six seconds on average, his mind starts drifting to thoughts of using charcoal or gas flames to create an evenly browned surface on a cut of meat that traps the juices inside. In a lifetime, he might spend 15 years thinking about how to prevent those juices from escaping.” The study also found that a significant number of test subjects reported spending up to eight additional hours per day thinking about getting those perfect diagonal grill marks.
Self-Deprecating Man Just Scratching Surface Of How Pathetic He Actually Is #~# MILL VALLEY, CA—Noting that there are dozens of awful aspects of his personality that he hasn’t even begun to address, sources confirmed Monday that local 28-year-old Ryan Glass’ constant self-deprecation only scratches the surface of how truly pathetic he is. “I should just apologize to people in advance when they try to get in touch with me; it always takes me forever to return texts or phone calls,” said the insufficiently self-effacing man who, in addition to glossing over the genuine irritation and alienation he causes his friends by ignoring their attempts to connect, regularly offers minor critiques of his physical appearance, professional skills, athletic ability, sexual performance, fashion sense, financial competence, and general demeanor that in no way capture the full extent of such attributes’ pitifulness. “I’m just a flake like that. I know I should respond right away, but being the space cadet I am, I always get distracted by something else and forget.” Sources added that Glass was only able to provide an accurately harsh appraisal of character flaws when describing the faults of his friends and coworkers.
Study: Most Parents Of Obese Children Think Kids Are ‘Just Right’ #~# According to a new study, most parents of obese children don’t recognize their own child as obese because they measure him or her to peers rather than medical standards and estimate that the child is “about the right weight” even if they are significantly overweight. What do you think?
Chicago Taco Bell Could Be First In Nation To Serve Alcohol #~# A Taco Bell in the Wicker Park neighborhood of Chicago has applied for a liquor license, which if granted would mark the first Taco Bell location in the country to serve alcohol. What do you think?
McDonald’s Turns 75 #~# Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history:
Report: Most Arena Football Games End With Players Just Kind Of Walking Off Field #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—According to a study published Friday by the University of Louisville, the majority of Arena Football League games abruptly end with the players just kind of walking off the field. “We found that arena football games frequently end in the middle of a play as the player with the ball suddenly slows to a stop, tosses the ball onto the turf, and heads to the sideline with his teammates and opposing players,” said report lead author Richard Perelman, adding that, despite no whistle or buzzer of any kind sounding in the stadium, most AFL players begin gradually exiting the field of play in the middle of the third quarter while the game clock is still running. “The winner generally ends up being whichever team has more points when the last player steps off the field. Occasionally a couple players, coaches, or referees will stick around and casually throw the ball around, but the stadium’s lights will usually turn off a few minutes into the fourth quarter and then they’ll go home as well.” Perelman went on to confirm that most ArenaBowl championship games never end up taking place, as no players, coaches, or fans show up at all.
Report: Millennials Leaving Christian Faith In Droves #~# According to a new report by the Pew Research Center, the population of Americans who identify as Christian has dropped significantly over the past eight years, in part because one-third of millennials now say they are unaffiliated with any faith. What do you think?
Media Organizations Make Pilgrimage To Facebook Headquarters To Lay Content At Foot Of Mark Zuckerberg #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Traveling from every corner of the global media industry in hopes of bringing good favor to their organizations, emissaries from hundreds of publications reportedly made their daily pilgrimage to Facebook’s headquarters this morning in order to lay their content at the foot of Mark Zuckerberg. “Sir, I humbly offer you this 650-word feature on community gardens in New Jersey in hopes that you will, in your great enlightenment and wisdom, find it to your liking,” said visibly trembling New York Times executive editor Dean Baquet, setting the journalistic token down before the Facebook CEO after having waited many hours alongside fellow pilgrims from Slate, the Chicago Tribune, The Atlantic, Time, Al Jazeera, and scores of other news outlets in a line that stretched through the social media site’s Silicon Valley offices. “Our editorial staff has labored much over this offering, and we present it to you with the utmost respect and deference. Should you see it fit to spread far and wide, optimized among both desktop and mobile audiences, we would be most grateful, sir. Thank you, and praise be unto you.” At press time, Zuckerberg had angrily cast out BBC executive editor Steve Herrmann from the facility after he failed to bow his head and offer his unending devotion to the All-Knowing Algorithm when passing by the facility’s software engineering department.
Treasury Department Honors Women With First Female Currency #~# WASHINGTON—Saying it was time all Americans were equally represented, the U.S. Treasury Department announced Thursday that it would honor the nation’s women by introducing the country’s first female currency. “For too long, our currency has only been representative of half the country, but beginning today, women in the United States will finally be able to carry and use money that’s the same sex they are,” said Treasury Secretary Jack Lew, adding that the new female banknotes would feature softer green hues and a slightly smaller, shapelier form. “By introducing female currency into circulation, we are celebrating the strong and vital roles that women have played in shaping our nation. And when today’s girls see legal tender that is composed of both male and female bills, it sends a powerful message about our nation’s commitment to equality.” Lew followed his announcement by noting that the Treasury would introduce the first openly gay dimes into the economy as early as next year.
Outdoor Movie Guest Excited To Watch Barely Audible ‘Back To The Future’ While Sitting On Tree Root #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Thrilled at the prospect of having to constantly reposition himself while straining to hear the movie’s dialogue, local man Sam Weber was excited Friday to watch a barely audible outdoor screening of Back To The Future from atop a hard, knobby tree root, sources reported. “Oh, man, I can’t wait to tiptoe around hundreds of people’s blankets before realizing the only free spot is on some root that sticks a few inches out of the ground and which will dig into my flesh for two hours,” said Weber, adding that while he’d already seen the sci-fi comedy classic many times, he was looking forward to experiencing it faintly projected onto a canvas hung far off in the distance as moisture from the grass steadily soaks through his pants. “And if I’m lucky, I won’t be able to hear any of the movie’s famous lines at all over the group of teenagers joking and laughing at each other on the next blanket. Who knows—maybe it’ll rain!” Weber went on to admit that he couldn’t wait to enjoy the thrilling climax of the movie while simultaneously shivering and swatting away mosquitos.
Study: Humans Now Have Shorter Attention Spans Than Goldfish #~# According to a small study conducted by the Microsoft Corporation, the average human attention span is now down to eight seconds, or one second shorter than that of a goldfish, which the researchers blame on an increased reliance on technology. What do you think?
Tips For Last-Minute Test Cramming #~# With the academic year winding down at grade schools and colleges across the country, students are buckling down and trying to maximize their study time before taking final exams. Here are some helpful tips as you cram for a test:
Fed-Up Employee Just About 14 Years Away From Walking Out Door #~# WALTHAM, MA—Frustrated with a growing list of unacceptable workplace indignities, fed-up Catamount Systems employee Marc Holden is just about 14 years away from walking out the front door of his office and never returning, sources confirmed Thursday. “I swear to God, if things don’t improve around here real fast, I am out of here in 14 years or so—I am not bluffing,” Holden said, noting that if he has to endure just a decade and a half more of company-wide incompetence and pointless micromanagement, he is gone for good. “Seriously, I don’t think I can take any more than 3,000 more days of this before I snap. Mark my words, if 2029 rolls around and it’s still the same old shit around here, I’m cleaning out my desk, getting on that elevator, and never coming back.” Holden added that if his boss belittled him in front of the entire staff just 200 more times, he would storm right into his office and tell him exactly where he can stick it.
New OkCupid Feature Alerts Users When It’s Time To Come Crawling Back #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to re-engage singles who had quit its service to pursue romance through other means, online dating platform OkCupid debuted a new feature Thursday that alerts former users when it’s time to come crawling back. “After a few months spent fruitlessly attempting to meet someone in the real world, former subscribers will receive a push notification informing them that they should now swallow their pride and return to the online dating scene,” said OkCupid co-founder Christian Rudder, adding that 90 days is generally sufficient for users to fully grasp that dating through friends, hobbies, or the workplace is simply never going to pan out for them. “Once you’ve come up short offline, we’ll let you know exactly when to suck it up and accept that combing through hundreds of unappealing personal profiles on OkCupid is still your only feasible option for finding a partner. And since we save your profile settings, you’ll be able to seamlessly resume searching for your online match, exactly as you always suspected, deep down, you would.” The OkCupid update comes on the heels of a similar feature on adult matchmaking service Tinder that reportedly alerts former users after 24 hours of attempting to seek out casual sexual encounters at bars.
Report: Putting Head In Hands And Moaning Quietly Still Best Way To Get Through Next Several Seconds #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—A report published Thursday by researchers at the University of Virginia has revealed that putting your head in your hands and quietly moaning is still the best known way of getting through the next several seconds. “Our data shows that the most effective method for making it through the upcoming eight to 10 seconds is to bury your face in your hands and produce a faint groan for the duration of this period,” said the report’s lead researcher, William Durante, who explained that incorporating a combination of slowly rocking back and forth in your chair and shaking your head from side to side greatly improved the likelihood of riding out these next few moments. “We also discovered that if you follow up this process by leaning forward such that your elbows are positioned on a flat surface, and then push back your hair with both hands while massaging your temples with your thumbs, the next several seconds will all be over soon enough.” Durante added that this procedure can be repeated indefinitely as needed to get through any subsequent number of seconds, minutes, or hours.
Brewers Stay After Game To Run The Bases #~# MILWAUKEE—In what was sure to be a night they will remember for the rest of their lives, a group of excited Brewers players stayed after the team’s game against the White Sox Thursday evening to go onto the field and run the bases at Miller Park, sources confirmed. “That was so awesome—I’ve always dreamed about running all the way around the bases on a real Major League field,” smiling and visibly overjoyed center fielder Carlos Gomez told reporters moments after sprinting past home plate, adding that he imagined himself hitting a home run to win the World Series in front of thousands of cheering Brewers fans. “The game was fun, too, but I spent most of the time just waiting until it was over so I could run around the field with my friends. It was the coolest thing I’ve ever done.” Several onlookers also added that it was adorable seeing several of the younger rookies being guided by team mascot Bernie Brewer after running in the wrong direction.
Report: White House Officials Deliberately Hid FDR’s Mechanical Spider Legs From Public #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Shedding new light on one of the most influential leaders in American history, Yale University historians released a report Thursday that suggests White House officials deliberately hid President Franklin Roosevelt’s mechanical spider legs from the public.
ACLU Requests Investigation Into Hollywood Sexism #~# Citing the fact that only 2 percent of top-grossing films last year had female directors, the ACLU has demanded a formal inquiry by state and federal investigators into the hiring practices at Hollywood studios, networks, and talent agencies. What do you think?
Retailers Testing Virtual Fitting Rooms With Smart Mirrors #~# To compete with online retailers that can use browsing data to make wardrobe recommendations, upscale retailers like Neiman Marcus and Nordstrom are reportedly testing virtual fitting rooms with smart mirrors that allow customers to see what they would look like in different outfits without having to undress. What do you think?
Newly Sworn-In North Korean Official Wondering How He’ll Eventually Be Executed #~# PYONGYANG—In light of the recent execution of yet another high-ranking North Korean official, newly sworn-in legislator Park Jun-seo told reporters Wednesday that he is wondering which method will eventually be used to put him to death. “Being hanged is pretty standard, but there’s no real reason I won’t be killed by firing squad or decapitation,” said Park, adding he also wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he was accused of treason and burned in public the same day. “They just shot the defense minister with an anti-aircraft gun, so they probably won’t go back to that well again right away. I guess they could just throw me off a balcony at one of the presidential palaces. That’d be as good as anything.” At press time, Park couldn’t believe something so obvious hadn’t occurred to him as his head was being positioned under the treads of a tank. 
Features Of The Obama Presidential Library #~# Barack Obama announced Tuesday that his presidential library will be built on the South Side of Chicago, with construction on the ambitious project due for completion by 2020 or 2021. Here are some features the new library will contain:
Decaying City Just Wants To Skip To Part Where It Gets Revitalized Restaurant Scene #~# CAMDEN, NJ—Saying they were fed up with the numerous challenges stemming from their city’s extensive urban decay, Camden, NJ residents confirmed Wednesday that they would love to just skip to the part where they get a hip, revitalized restaurant scene. “I realize that these boarded-up storefronts and abandoned factories might be turned into trendy cafés and bistros someday down the line, but I think most of us would be pretty thrilled if we just went ahead and got to that stage right now,” said resident George Pierson, noting that he is fully willing to bypass Camden’s endemic crime, rampant drug abuse, and high unemployment rate in order to jump right to the point when he and the city’s other occupants can enjoy dozens of farm-to-table gastropubs. “Sure, we’ll eventually see lobster roll stands and high-end noodle bars popping up on every corner, but that could take years or even decades. Let’s just skim over all the gang turf disputes and burnt-out streetlights and go straight to blocks lined with stores specializing in key lime pies, locally sourced butcher shops, and gourmet empanada places. That honestly seems like the way to go.” Camden residents also told reporters they would like the city’s accelerated revitalization process to then stop just before they are priced out of their current apartments.
Shell Assures Nation Most Arctic Wildlife To Go Extinct Well Before Next Spill #~# HOUSTON—Stating that any damage would be limited to just a handful of species that somehow managed to survive that long, officials from the Shell Oil Company assured the public Wednesday that most of the Arctic wildlife living near their proposed drilling site will be extinct well before their next oil spill. “After conducting several environmental impact studies, we can confidently say that our offshore drilling operations pose absolutely no threat to the Arctic’s hundreds of native species, which will have already been completely wiped out by the time any drilling mishap or crude oil spill takes place,” said Shell spokesman Curtis Smith, adding that the region’s polar bears, walruses, and bowhead whales will most likely be eliminated by some combination of overfishing, ocean acidification, and melting ice shelves long before the first drops of unrefined petroleum begin gushing into the Chuchki Sea. “We can assure you that there will be no repeat of the BP oil spill, in which a complex, thriving ecosystem was destroyed. At most, only some algae and maybe a few mackerel will still be around when our rig explodes and spews millions of gallons of oil into their habitat, and we believe those species will pretty much be on their last legs by then anyway.” Smith added that the environmental hazards associated with the initial installation of the rigs will also go a long way toward ensuring most of the fauna has died off prior to any future spills.
Nation Braces Itself Before Clicking On Article About 55-Year-Old Ex-NFL Player #~# WASHINGTON—Taking a brief moment to mentally prepare for any number of potentially disturbing or utterly heartbreaking stories, millions of Americans reportedly steeled themselves Wednesday before clicking on a news article about a 55-year-old former NFL player. “As soon as I saw the words ‘Ex-NFL Player’ in the headline, I just thought, ‘Well, this is going to ruin my day,’” said Rockville, MD resident Alex Thorne, echoing fans across the nation who speculated that the story would likely involve some horrific combination of bankruptcy, chronic traumatic encephalopathy, drug addiction, murder, or suicide. “Honestly, I shouldn’t even read it, but I know I will, and I also know I’ll feel absolutely awful after I do. Might as well just get it over with.” At press time, the entire U.S. populace had decided en masse to simply avoid reading a breaking story about a current college football star.
Report: U.S. Hospitals Spend $2 Billion Each Year Replacing Gowns Taken By Escaped Patients #~# WASHINGTON—Amidst rapidly rising costs throughout the health care system, a report published Wednesday by the American Hospital Association has found that nearly $2 billion is spent each year replacing gowns taken by patients who escape from the nation’s medical centers.
Report: Chris Christie Spent $300K From Expense Account On Food, Drinks #~# According to a report from Watchdog.org, New Jersey governor Chris Christie spent more than $300,000 from his state expense account during his five years in office on food, alcohol, and desserts. What do you think?
One-Year-Old Still Waiting For Father’s First Words #~# SAVANNAH, GA—Saying he had been anticipating the milestone for months, local 1-year-old Connor Levine revealed Wednesday that he was still waiting to hear his father’s first words. “I’d kind of expected him to say a word or two by now, but I guess every dad is a little different,” the 12-month-old reportedly thought to himself, adding that he had heard his father emit a number of grunts, fussy grumbles, and other nonverbal vocalizations, but nothing that approached coherent speech. “Every day, I’m hoping this will be the time he finally says something, but I’m trying not to fixate on that. If he still hasn’t said anything by 18 months, though, I’m going to start worrying that something’s wrong.” The infant noted that he was also looking forward to the day when his father wasn’t up all night screaming.
Breakthrough Procedure Allows Parents To Select Sexiness Of Child #~# LOS ANGELES—Offering mothers and fathers a greater degree of control than ever over their baby’s development in utero, UCLA scientists announced a new procedure Wednesday that gives parents the ability to select the sexiness of their child. “Previously, the sexiness of a child was just a matter of chance, but now, parents will be able to choose how smoking hot their baby will be at the very beginning of their pregnancy,” said lead researcher Lydia Jarrett, adding that while ultrasounds have long been able to provide couples with a glimpse of their child’s sexiness, the new procedure, for the first time, allows them to decide whether their baby will be a mini studmuffin or a white-hot baby bombshell. “Many parents don’t want to have to guess how totally fine their newborn will be; they want to be able to make a decision and prepare for the birth of their little hottie or baby beefcake. This procedure puts their minds at ease and gives them a full nine months to stock up on all the teeny-tiny skirts and designer baby jeans they’ll need to show off their pint-sized sex bomb.” Jarrett added that parents who wanted to be surprised by the sexiness of their child were still free to wait until the baby was born to find out its level of pure animal magnetism.
Bears GM Confident Team Has Right Pieces In Place To Trade Jay Cutler #~# CHICAGO—Claiming that the franchise is now on the brink of finally achieving something truly great, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace expressed his confidence Tuesday that the team has the right pieces in place to trade quarterback Jay Cutler. “We’ve been working toward this for a long time, and we’re finally in a position to make our shared goal of getting Jay out of Chicago a reality,” said Pace, noting that the recent addition of several highly rated draft picks gives the Bears the necessary firepower to convince another team to take on Cutler’s contract. “It’s going to take a lot of hard work and a bit of luck, but I believe we will accomplish what our players and coaching staff have dreamed about these last few years. There are plenty of doubters who think it will never happen, but I can tell you that everyone within the organization is aiming to prove them wrong. Next season, it’s trade Cutler or bust.” Reached for comment, Cutler expressed his willingness to do whatever it takes to help his team by getting the fuck out of Chicago next year.
Report: Professor Requires Students To Take Final Exam In The Nude #~# According to a local ABC news affiliate, a professor at UC San Diego requires students in the class Visual Arts 104A: Performing the Self to strip naked and enact a “performance of the self” in a dark room for the final exam, though the school responded that students can also perform the exam with clothes on. What do you think?
NASA Announces Bold Plan To Still Exist By 2045 #~# WASHINGTON—In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced at a press conference Tuesday their bold new plan to still exist by 2045.
A Woman As Beautiful And Intoxicated As Yourself Shouldn’t Be Drinking Alone, My Dear #~# Excuse me, miss, is this seat taken? Normally I wouldn’t be so forward, but I saw you from across the bar and couldn’t help but notice all your friends seem to have left. Allow me to buy you another round? Truly, it would be my pleasure. A woman as gorgeous and thoroughly intoxicated as you should never have to drink alone.
Whole Foods Launching Chain Of Cheaper Stores For Millennials #~# Officials for Whole Foods have announced that the chain of high-end grocery stores will soon launch a line of lower-priced stores with a “curated” selection of more simply designed foods for millennials and others who can’t afford Whole Foods’ prices. What do you think?
Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed. “As soon as that first burst of gunfire and screaming rang out, I’m sure Sally couldn’t get to the phone fast enough,” neighbor Glenn Maurer said after learning that the homemaker and mother of three had called 911 upon hearing the escalating shouting match, the sequence of gunshots, and the screech of tires, turning the situation into a huge deal that she couldn’t help but meddle in. “Sally only needs the smallest excuse to pry into other people’s business and then it’s off to the races. It’s like, worry about your own life and let whoever was involved in that bloody shootout worry about theirs, all right?” At press time, the gossipy Christensen could be seen chattering away about the deadly gunfight to police detectives surveying the crime scene.
Pantene Releases New Complicated 1-In-2 Shampoo #~# CINCINNATI—Touting it as its most challenging hair-care product to date, Procter & Gamble announced Monday a new complicated 1-in-2 version of its Pantene shampoo. “Our new Pro-V 1-in-2 line gives women the shiny, luxurious hair of the original Pantene but with a superfluous extra step added to the process,” spokeswoman Tiffany Piette said of the Pro-V 50-50 shampoo, which comes packaged in two separate tubes of solvent and glycol meant to be mixed together in a precise 5-to-3 ratio along with warm water. “Its added complexity allows you to get luxurious, salon-quality looks while also forcing you to spend an extra two minutes in the shower.” Piette added that an even more difficult-to-use conditioner was in the works, consisting of two bottles that would never be sold at the same store.
Anthropologists Discover Ancient Greek Super PAC That Helped Shape First Democracy #~# ATHENS, GREECE—In a finding that provides new insight into the roots of Western civilization, a team of anthropologists from Cambridge University announced Monday the discovery of an ancient Greek super PAC that helped shape the world’s first democracy. “At the same time Cleisthenes first instituted a representative form of government in Athens, it appears that a group of wealthy citizens and merchants created an organization to influence these new voters by bombarding them with around-the-clock political messages,” lead researcher Daniel Rogers said of the early political action committee, named Athenians for a Better City-State, which is said to have received millions of drachmas’ worth of funding in gold, lambs, dates, loaves of bread, and slaves from Athens’ largest and most influential trade groups. “While the committee was prohibited from coordinating directly with candidates seeking public office, AFBCS nevertheless spent astonishing sums on orators hired to stand in the Agora and recite the negative traits of politicians that the super PAC opposed, as well as on writers who were hired to pen slanderous epic poems.” Researchers also reportedly found evidence that the early super PAC’s influence extended beyond elections, noting that it was the driving force behind a number of laws that lowered business taxes, protected the worship of the gods in schools, and authorized war against Sparta in an effort to plunder their geographic rival’s large olive oil reserves.
Starbucks Won’t Bottle Water In California During Drought #~# Starbucks said that it will stop sourcing its Ethos bottled water from a private spring in the Sierra Nevada foothills and instead move bottling operations to Pennsylvania in an effort to “support the people of the state of California as they face this unprecedented drought.” What do you think?
Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing #~# As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:
Mother Still Searching For Preschool That Focuses Exclusively On Her Son #~# BOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration over the dearth of options that met her high standards, local mother Shannon Gail confirmed Monday that she was still looking for a preschool that would focus exclusively on her son. “I’ve been searching for months, but it’s been so difficult to find a program that devotes all its resources to my child, and only my child,” said Gail, who added that a shocking number of preschools in the area employed teachers who divide their attention between more than one student instead of dedicating all their time to the education, care, and positive mental stimulation of her son. “I think it’s my responsibility as a parent to choose a school with an educational philosophy that is personalized to the specific needs and interests of my child alone. I just don’t feel comfortable leaving my Skyler in a place where he is not the center of attention at every moment of every day.” Gail, who reiterated the importance of choosing a preschool that concentrated solely on her child, said the next few years would be incredibly formative in determining the kind of person he would grow up to be.
Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification #~# UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch. “Jessica is 12 now; she can watch Hayley,” said Carden’s mother, Denise, whose assessment of the middle schooler’s ability as a child-care provider rested entirely on the fact that the girl had been born on a date prior to the birth of her own daughter. “Jessica should be good. She’ll be in seventh grade next year.” Sources noted that Radloff’s credentials were further bolstered by her parents’ willingness to drop her off at the Cardens’ home and pick her up at the end of the night.
Study: Pregnant Women’s Cell Phone Rings May Startle Fetus #~# According to a small study that has not been peer-reviewed, a mother’s cell phone rings may startle the fetus in the womb and disrupt its sleep cycle. What do you think?
Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery #~# ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed. “This is your mom’s special day, and you’re supposed to be taking her to brunch or a spa, not staring at some tombstone,” reported the sources, adding that lurking in a graveyard like some sort of ghoul may in fact be the very worst way to honor the woman who gave you life. “Is it too hard to do something nice for your mother just once a year? Then again, with that miserable look on his face, I bet his mom’s happy he forgot all about her.” At press time, sources reported that the freak had tossed some flowers on the ground that would’ve looked so much nicer in a vase in his mother’s home.
Study: Half Of Tinder Users Aren’t Single #~# According to a study by market research firm GlobalWebIndex, 30 percent of users on the smartphone hookup app Tinder are already married, and nearly 50 percent aren’t single. What do you think?
Unemployed Sibling Makes Last Push For Group Mother’s Day Gift #~# FOX CHAPEL, PA—Asserting that the gesture would mean a lot more coming from all of them, local unemployed man Jeff Thomas reportedly made one final push to his siblings Friday suggesting that they all go in together on a group Mother’s Day gift. “I think Mom would really appreciate it if we got her something nice that was from the three of us,” the jobless 34-year-old wrote in an email to his brother and sister, saying that if they grabbed the gift he would be happy to pick out a thoughtful card, the same arrangement he reportedly proposed to each of them individually in separate phone calls earlier in the week. “Maybe we could all split a gift basket, or maybe a gift certificate or something. I’ll bring the card over and we can all sign it. I think she’d really like that.” At press time, Thomas was attempting to talk his siblings back from their suggestion that they all take their mother out to a big brunch where they could present her with the group gift, arguing that she would probably appreciate some relaxing time at home on Sunday morning instead.
God Realizes He Forgot To Put Souls In Humans #~# THE HEAVENS—While pacing across His Eternal Kingdom on Friday, the Lord God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, suddenly realized He had forgotten to provide human beings with souls, sources from on high reported. “I could have sworn I put souls in there, but apparently it never happened—I hope no one’s noticed,” said God, adding that it was probably too late to imbue mankind with an immortal spiritual essence now that billions of humans had already gone out the door. “I certainly meant to. Maybe I got sidetracked working on all the hands and feet and everything and just never came back to their souls. I created a whole bunch of other stuff that day, so who knows?” God later admitted He should have known He had forgotten something when, believing there was no more work to do, He was able to take the seventh day off entirely.
Trip To Bar Gives Friends Opportunity To Sit Around, Do Nothing In Different Place #~# BALTIMORE—Welcoming their trip to local bar Cavanaugh Tap House as a much-needed change of pace, a group of friends expressed their excitement Thursday at the opportunity to sit around and do nothing in a completely different setting, sources confirmed. “When we all get together at someone’s apartment, we usually just spend the whole night hanging around and drinking on the couch—it’s great to get out of the house to do our sitting and drinking someplace else,” said Neil Evanson, echoing the sentiments of his companions, who were all similarly happy to be making sparse conversation and scrolling through their Twitter feeds at the bar rather than doing so in a living room or on a front porch. “Doing absolutely nothing at home on Friday nights can be fun, but it just doesn’t beat doing the same thing in an environment where we’re surrounded by strangers and have to pay gratuity.” At press time, Evanson and his friends were ordering another round of the same drinks they currently have in their refrigerator.
Police Searching For Teen Who Spray-Painted ‘Promposal’ On Cliffside #~# Authorities in Idaho are searching for a teenager who spray-painted a prom proposal, or “promposal,” in huge pink-and-blue letters across the side of one of the state’s scenic Black Cliffs. What do you think?
Strongside/Weakside: Stephen Curry #~# After leading the Golden State Warriors to a league-best 67-win season, Stephen Curry was named the NBA’s Most Valuable Player. Is he any good?
Buccaneers In-House Counsel Already Has 26 Missed Calls From Jameis Winston #~# TAMPA, FL—Noting that his phone’s voicemail has been almost single-handedly filled by the rookie quarterback, Tampa Bay Buccaneers general counsel David Cohen confirmed Friday that he has already received 26 missed calls from Jameis Winston. “As of this morning, he’s called me more than two dozen times, mostly between the hours of 1 and 4 a.m.,” said Cohen, adding that, of the 14 voicemails Winston chose to leave for him, the majority are frantic, incoherent messages partially drowned out by the sound of shouting in the background. “He usually ends them by asking me to call him back as soon as possible. One of the recordings was just him screaming that he didn’t do anything, but that we needed to send [Director of Team Security] Andres [Trescastro] to a Tampa Bay–area bowling alley right away.” Cohen added that, other than the voicemails, no one in the organization has seen or heard from Winston since the NFL Draft.
Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured #~# ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured. “These must be the exact entrance doors that Grandpa and Grandma came through, and the hallway their 10 a.m. group walked through,” said Bertrand, recalling his grandparents’ description of the crowds who shuffled along with maps in hand after they stopped by the information kiosk and visited the model replica of the island. “Wow, these are the same inspection rooms that they stopped in with the park ranger, and this must be the TV with the constantly looping documentary that Grandma mentioned. Right now we’re seeing exactly what she must’ve seen when she came through here 20 years ago.” Bertrand told reporters that while he found the experience moving, he would likely never be able to truly understand how his grandfather felt when he was informed that the gift shop was closed.
Guide To Building Your Personal Brand #~# With the internet becoming more central to people’s personal and professional lives, it’s more important than ever for individuals to build a “personal brand” that markets themselves to the online community. Here are some tips for cultivating a personal brand:
McDonald’s Reintroduces Hamburgler As Attractive Suburban Dad #~# McDonald’s has reintroduced its iconic Hamburgler character as a slickly dressed dad who moved to the suburbs to raise his family but is now tempted back into a life of crime after being reminded about McDonald’s hamburgers, a new identity that some internet users have said is sexy. What do you think?
Museum Of Repressed American History Conceals New Exhibit On Tuskegee Experiments #~# WASHINGTON—Expanding their collection in an effort to obscure even more information about the nation’s past, representatives for the Museum of Repressed American History confirmed Thursday that they have concealed a new exhibit on the Tuskegee syphilis experiment.
Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M. #~# DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m. “God, she sent this thing at 5:30 in the morning? Wow,” said Swanson, who rose from bed and turned on his computer at 9:05 to discover the correspondence from his mother buried among a large quantity of spam messages and automatically scheduled mailing list updates. “It’s not even like it’s an urgent email or anything. She just wanted to know what I want for my birthday. And when you think about it, this means she woke up, got ready for the day, and then sat down at her computer and wrote the email, which means she probably got up at least a half hour before sending this thing. Jeez, Mom.” At press time, Swanson had reportedly responded to the email, only to be completely baffled when his mother replied with a follow-up question about his Memorial Day plans less than 15 seconds later.
Tom Brady Keeps Referring To Self As ‘Golden Boy’ While Denying Cheating Allegations #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following the release of an independent investigation implicating him in the New England Patriots’ ball-deflation scandal, quarterback Tom Brady held a press conference Thursday during which he staunchly denied all allegations while repeatedly referring to himself as the “Golden Boy.” “The Golden Boy would like to state right now, for the record, that at no time did the Golden Boy have any knowledge that team assistants were tampering with game balls,” said Brady, adding that, given the paramount importance of maintaining the game’s integrity, the Golden Boy would never, under any circumstances, seek an unfair advantage in order to win. “This investigation is obviously deeply flawed, and the Golden Boy looks forward to speaking to Commissioner Goodell so the Golden Boy can clear the Golden Boy’s name and focus on next season.” Brady reportedly ended the press conference by telling reporters that the Golden Boy will not be taking any questions and then promptly walked out of the room.
Urban Polling Centers Recommend Voters Start Lining Up Now For 2016 Election #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to aid and inform local residents ahead of next year’s presidential election, officials at urban polling centers across the nation recommended Thursday that those intending to cast ballots in 2016 should begin lining up now. “Most polling locations will close at 7 p.m. on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, so in order to ensure you have enough time to cast your vote, we suggest looking up your precinct online and planning to arrive sometime in the next few minutes,” Federal Election Commission spokesperson Judith Ingram said in a statement, noting that voters should be prepared for lines at inner-city polling locations that may back up as many as 12,000 or 13,000 hours. “If possible, we suggest notifying your employer that you need to take some months off from your job, or arrange to leave early from work this afternoon and return after the election is over.” Officials added that those urban residents unable to vote in person should file an absentee ballot every week for the next 18 months in case the first few dozen become lost in the mail.
Snowden Documents: NSA Can Search For Words Spoken In Phone Calls #~# According to newly released Edward Snowden documents, the NSA has a program it has nicknamed “Google for Voice” that is capable of creating very rough transcripts of what people have said during phone calls so some words can be archived and searched, although it is far from perfect at this point. What do you think?
What Is A Super PAC? #~# The result of two controversial 2010 federal court cases removing traditional restrictions on political action committee spending, super PACs are expected to have a significant influence on the results of the 2016 elections. Here is everything you need to know about super PACs:
World Wildlife Fund Now Just Trying To Get Few Nice Photos Of Every Species For Posterity #~# GLAND, SWITZERLAND—Emphasizing the importance of having at least something to remember them by, the World Wildlife Fund announced Wednesday that it was now just trying to get a couple of nice photos of every animal species for posterity. “At this point, we’re pretty much committed to taking some high-quality, well-lit pictures of the world’s remaining fauna, so future generations can get a clear sense of what they were like,” said WWF board chairman Neville Isdell, adding that his organization had already begun reallocating its resources from conservation campaigns to producing majestic photographic portraits. “We’re going to start with the most vulnerable animals, of course, but we’ll get shots of them all eventually. It may be difficult to get some of the more active species to hold still long enough to take a crisp, in-focus photo, but we have a moral obligation to safeguard the images of these creatures, if nothing else.” At press time, WWF photographers were setting up light stands around an endangered Sumatran orangutan.
Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives #~# JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives. “We’ll always share mutual admiration and respect for one another, but the reality is that our individual schedules have us fucking people in different cities around the world over 40 weeks out of the year,” the statement read, which went on to say that Woods and Vonn are each so busy running around riding rock-hard cock and deep-dicking tight, dripping-wet pussy that it is virtually impossible to devote adequate attention to their relationship. “We’ll have a couple days alone here or there, but then Lindsey will head to the airport for a three-day gang bang at a Switzerland ski resort, or Tiger will line up a few amateur fetish models in Miami and be gone for two weeks. By the time we get a few moments to ourselves, we barely have the energy to get on the sex swing together and fuck all night.” The pair added that they will always cherish the memories they made while double-fisting each other in front of a group of their closest friends.
Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years #~# PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life. Reports indicate that after skimming the 300-word article published on Mommymuse.com, Miller will consider the entry on the pros and cons of fluoride drops as the authoritative text on the matter, citing the write-up countless times while speaking with her child’s babysitters, teachers, and pediatricians over the next two decades. Sources confirmed that the article’s two-sentence summary of the tooth enamel condition “Colorado Brown Stain,” which was derived from an anonymously authored post on a soon-to-be-defunct dental hygiene message board, will flash through Miller’s mind every time her son takes a drink of water from now until he leaves for college. At press time, sources reported that Miller was closely inspecting her child’s teeth for streaks, a practice that will soon become a twice-daily routine.
Tourists Break 18th-Century Hercules Statue Trying To Snap Selfie #~# Two tourists visiting the Loggia dei Militi palace in Cremona, Italy reportedly tried to take a selfie with an 18th-century marble statue depicting two figures of Hercules by climbing on it, causing a large marble crown at its top to fall off and shatter. What do you think?
Sprint’s New Long-Distance Relationship Plan Offers Decreased Minutes Each Month #~# NEW YORK—Touting it as a cost-effective and more customized option for many subscribers, Sprint this week announced a new wireless calling plan for people in long-distance relationships that offers a decreasing number of minutes each month. “Starting with 500 shared anytime minutes that gradually dwindle on a month-by-month basis, our first-of-its-kind long-distance relationship plan offers a great value for customers living in a different city than their significant other,” Sprint spokesperson Meredith Kane said of the no-contract plan, which also offers a diminishing texting option and instant voicemail deletion. “Our subscribers will love the ability to use unlimited FaceTime for the first three months and then pay a lower fee as they slowly cut back on video calls to maybe every other week. Best of all, they can gradually rededicate the 500 MB of data they use for sharing sexually explicit photos with someone 1,500 miles away to someone in their local area at no additional cost.” Kane went on to say that even if customers decide to terminate their long-distance plan, they will still have access to a complete archive of all photos and texts that they can obsess over as often as they want.
Maximum-Security Prison Houses State’s Most Hardened, Violent Guards #~# REDDICK, FL—Saying the institution is notorious for the incidents of extreme violence that take place within its walls, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Marion County Correctional Center is home to Florida’s most dangerous and hardened population of prison guards.
Prescription Label Recommends Just Taking More And More Until Something Kicks In #~# GREENVILLE, SC—Providing the drug’s dosage information and instructions for use, the label for anti-anxiety medication Ativan reportedly recommends that patients just keep taking more and more of the pharmaceutical until something kicks in, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Take two tablets by mouth and then just keep on throwing them back until you can really feel something,” reads the label adhered to the pill bottle, which further suggests that users might as well dump out as many 2 mg caplets as can fit into their palm and “pop ’em all in there” if nothing really hits them after the first dose. “Repeat every four hours, two hours, or however often you think you need a pick-me-up. Contact your doctor immediately if you go through the entire bottle and still don’t feel any different.” For faster-acting results, an additional sticker on the bottle reportedly urges patients to combine the medication with as many other prescription drugs as they can find.
Man Nearly Loses Arms After Injecting Them To Look Like The Hulk #~# In an effort to make his body resemble the Incredible Hulk, a 25-year-old bodybuilder from Brazil reportedly injected his arms with a solution of oil and alcohol to grow his biceps, which solidified into “rocks” and nearly required amputation. What do you think?
College Student Arrested For Spitting, Spraying Windex In Roommates’ Food #~# A college student at the University of South Carolina was arrested after roommates set up a secret camera in their common space that recorded her spitting and spraying Windex into their food. What do you think?
Head Of National Potato Council Declares U.S. In Midst Of Potato Renaissance #~# POCATELLO, ID—Hailing our day and age as the “single greatest moment in history to be a potato consumer,” National Potato Council president Dan Lake declared Tuesday that the United States is in the midst of an unparalleled potato renaissance.
Having My First Child Was A Better High Than All The Ecstasy I’ve Ever Done #~# If you’ve never had a child, it’s almost impossible to understand just how amazing it feels when your baby is born. It’s like the happiest sensation imaginable, times a thousand. It’s pure, eye-opening bliss, and to be honest, it’s actually a better high than I’ve ever gotten from taking ecstasy.
Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee #~# Former Arkansas governor and Fox News personality Mike Huckabee announced his 2016 presidential candidacy Tuesday, becoming the sixth Republican hopeful to officially enter the race. Here’s what you need to know about Huckabee:
Study: Online Breast Milk May Be Mixed With Cow’s Milk #~# According to researchers, new mothers seeking to buy premium breast milk online at “milk-sharing” sites may want to reconsider, because new studies have shown that the products may be deliberately mixed with up to 10 percent cow’s milk to stretch their volume. What do you think?
All Of Child’s Fondest Memories Times When Dad Trying To Make Up For Things #~# ALAMEDA, CA—Thinking back on the moments that brought him the most joy in his life, local 13-year-old Adam Poole reportedly spent Tuesday afternoon reminiscing about several of his fondest memories, all of which were instances when his father was trying to make up for something. “It was so awesome when Dad took me to a Giants game, just me and him out there in the bleachers—that was the best,” said Poole, referring to an outing prompted entirely by his father’s guilt over missing his son’s first soccer match. “And one time he picked my brother and me up after school and took us to the arcade [after losing his temper and launching into a string of profanities in front of the two small children]. He gave us a bunch of quarters and said we could play whatever we wanted and kept telling us we were good kids. That was such a fun day.” Poole then smiled warmly as he recalled how his father often came home with ice cream for the whole family on nights he returned from work after 8 p.m.
Mayweather-Pacquiao Fight Derided As Boring #~# Saturday’s welterweight title fight between boxers Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao, which had been hyped as the “Fight of the Century,” was widely criticized as boring and a waste of time by many viewers who paid $100 to watch it on TV. What do you think?
Who Is Ben Carson? #~# Retired neurosurgeon and rising conservative star Ben Carson announced his bid for the presidency Monday, the first African-American candidate of either major political party to do so. Here’s what you need to know about the Republican candidate:
Who Is Carly Fiorina? #~# Carly Fiorina, a former Silicon Valley executive, announced Monday her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, becoming the first female Republican hopeful to officially launch a campaign. Here’s what you should know about Fiorina:
Fetus Going To Pretend He Doesn’t Hear Loud Argument Coming From Other Side Of Uterine Wall #~# WICHITA, KS—Searching for something to take his attention off the uncomfortable domestic dispute occurring just a few feet away, a local 6-month-old fetus reportedly decided Monday to pretend he couldn’t hear the loud argument coming from the other side of the uterine wall. “God, they’re starting in even earlier than normal tonight; I guess I’ll just try to tune it out like usual,” said the 27-week-old, adding that the nearby couple, who he noted are “clearly working through some serious issues,” tend to noisily bicker until well past midnight. “I’m just going to focus on listening to my mom’s heartbeat for a while and try to keep my mind off all the shouting by clenching and unclenching my hands a bit. But if they haven’t settled down in a half hour or so, I might have to start pounding on the wall.” The second-trimester fetus added that, given how often he’s heard the couple’s heated arguments, it would definitely be awkward if he ever meets them.
Obama Lays Out Plan To Achieve Lasting Peace Talks In Middle East #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing his belief that a new future for the troubled region was within reach, President Obama unveiled his strategy Monday for attaining lasting peace talks in the Middle East. “Under this framework, I’m confident we can usher in a new era of meetings and dialogue that will last for generations to come,” Obama told reporters, adding that the comprehensive plan would rely on a broad international coalition to ensure that both Israelis and Palestinians adhered to the strict terms of attending occasional summits and sitting across tables from one another. “As long as all parties make firm commitments to the process, we believe that our efforts will lead to stable, ongoing discussions about this conflict that could continue indefinitely. Real, enduring peace talks in the region are closer than they’ve ever been.” Obama later admitted that the deal was largely contingent upon the willingness of leaders from both sides to shake hands in a heavily staged photo op on a regular basis over the next 100 years.
Guy Who Died Playing ‘League Of Legends’ In Internet Café Really Starting To Ruin Game For Other Patrons #~# SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—Admitting he was having difficulty concentrating on destroying his enemy’s nexus as he sat inside PC Zone internet café Monday, League Of Legends: Dominion player JuHo Lee complained that the guy who died at the adjacent computer station was really starting to ruin the game for him. “I knew this was going to happen when he started losing consciousness and slumped forward on his keyboard, and I probably should’ve gone for help at that point, but I was just about to level up—now I have to sit next to this dead guy all night while I try to take all five capture points,” Lee said as he scooted his chair away from the lifeless gamer, who he estimated had died about three or four hours earlier from deep vein thrombosis during a multiday gaming session. “Someone should at least drape a cloth over him. I can’t be looking back and forth between my screen and a dead body while I’m trying to obtain a Storm Shield relic.” Lee added that if no one removed the man by sunrise, he would take it upon himself to pause a minute and drag the body into the hallway.
Study: Funny Men Better In Bed #~# According to a new study, funny men are more likely to give women orgasms and have partners who want to have sex more often. What do you think?
Report: Philippines Citizens Currently Watching Their Congressman Fight A Guy On TV #~# MANILA, PHILIPPINES—As boxing fans around the world turn their attention to one of the most eagerly anticipated bouts in years, reports confirmed Saturday evening that citizens of the Philippines are currently watching one of their congressmen fight a man on television.
Pinwheeling, Out-Of-Control Horse Crashes Into Kentucky Derby Stands #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—In one of the biggest tragedies to ever befall the 141-year-old event, more than a dozen spectators were reportedly injured and the Kentucky Derby was temporarily delayed Saturday after a pinwheeling, out-of-control horse crashed into the stands. “They were entering the final turn when Keen Ice spun out and hit the wall, sending him airborne and spiraling uncontrollably at full speed into the first few rows of the crowd,” Derby announcer Travis Stone told reporters, adding that paramedics immediately rushed to attend to onlookers struck by debris and extract jockey Kent Desormeaux from the wreckage. “You could see from the way Keen Ice was wildly careening around the top of the stretch that it wasn’t going to end well, and once he made contact with the wall, it was carnage. You try to keep fans safe, but you can’t always prevent these kinds of freak accidents, especially a horse tumbling end-over-end into the crowd like that. It was truly horrifying.” At press time, Derby officials confirmed that, following cleanup of the seven-horse pileup caused by Keen Ice’s crash, the pace horse would be brought out and the race would be finished under the yellow caution flag.
School District Served Meat From 2009, Hid Stench With Gravy #~# According to a report from a local ABC affiliate, a school district in Tennessee thawed out pork frozen since 2009 and served it to students, smothering it in gravy to mask its stench and “give it a better taste.” What do you think?
Top Prom Trends For 2015 #~# Prom season is a time for high school students to plan elaborate proposals, shop for fashionable formalwear, and arrange blowout events in the effort to make prom a night to remember. Here are this year’s most popular prom trends:
Archaeologists Discover First Hominid To Own Tools But Never Use Them #~# KANJERA, KENYA—In a groundbreaking find that provides new insight into early human behavior, a group of archaeologists from the Smithsonian Institute announced the discovery Friday of the first known hominid to own tools but never use them. “Based on the evidence we uncovered, it appears this ancient human ancestor was the earliest species to keep a variety of specialized stone implements nearby without ever picking one of them up and putting it to use,” said Dr. Phillip Davidson, adding that the team unearthed a neatly arranged set of choppers, awls, and scrapers with no wear on their surfaces whatsoever, indicating they were never employed on even a single project. “Our findings suggest that these tools were procured by this early hominid in the Lower Paleolithic period, set down in a designated space in the individual’s dwelling, and then simply stayed in the same spot untouched for the past 2 million years.” Davidson added that the tools were found next to a set of completely unused stone hand weights and a formal animal-hide loincloth that the protohuman appears to have worn only one time.
Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good #~# WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good. Initial attempts to subdue the wailing child, which reportedly included presenting her with a bottle and later a stuffed animal, are said to have failed miserably, leading onlookers to conclude that the inept adults lacked even the most basic child-rearing skills. In addition, the baby’s incessant screaming only worsened following the couple’s repeated attempts to soothe her, further highlighting their profound inadequacies as a mother and father. At press time, sources confirmed another child just a few feet away from the bawling infant was not crying, and was therefore being raised by good parents who loved her.
‘Avengers’ Sequel Picks Up Where First Film’s Profits Left Off #~# LOS ANGELES—Promising that the sequel would continue to follow the impressive feats of an incredible group of revenue streams, executives at Marvel Studios confirmed Friday that Avengers: Age Of Ultron picks up right where the first film’s profits left off. “The last Avengers movie triumphantly concluded with $1.5 billion at the international box office, and Age Of Ultron will jump right back in and continue earning from there,” said Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige, who added that long-time investors would be able to return to collecting dividends from the superhero film franchise without skipping a beat. “I can’t tell you exactly how this one turns out, but I think it’s safe to say that people will be blown away by this movie’s spectacular 10-figure revenue. Of course, this film is going to leave the door wide open for possible future Avengers movie profits, and we might even explore the option of earning income from each individual character.” Feige added that careful observers would notice how ticket sale proceeds from the Avengers, Captain America, and Iron Man films were all connected.
Typography Expert: Times New Roman Bad Choice For Résumé #~# According to a typography expert interviewed by Bloomberg Business, the classic serif typeface Times New Roman is a poor choice for résumés because it’s a default font that may be considered unthoughtful. What do you think?
Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years #~# CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed. According to witnesses, Parker spent several seconds in the arms of his teary-eyed mother, a woman now expecting a brand-new luxury car to be sitting in her driveway within the next three months, before then moving on to hug his three brothers, all of whom intend to live with their friends in his soon-to-be-purchased mansion for free. Sources also revealed that Parker received a slew of text messages from various cousins and uncles—the future recipients of sizable loans they will never pay back—while he gave a special handshake to a close childhood friend who will drag him to strip clubs multiple times a week for the duration of his playing career to blow half of his paycheck. At press time, Parker’s night had reportedly culminated in his son’s conception, which will cost him roughly $65,000 per year in child support payments and ultimately drive him into bankruptcy in March 2021.
Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time #~# With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history:
No One Seems To Know Guy Leaning Against Batting Cages Giving Hitting Advice #~# MADISON, WI—Saying that he is constantly offering words of encouragement and various pointers on maintaining a proper stance, sources confirmed Tuesday that no one at Damen’s Sports Complex appears to know a middle-aged man leaning against the batting cages giving people hitting advice. “At first, I thought the kid in the cage was his son, but he left a while ago and this guy is still standing there telling people to choke up on the bat and step into the ball more,” said local 24-year-old Anthony Wilson, adding that the stranger has enthusiastically clapped his hands and shouted “There you go, nice cut!” whenever a batter has made good contact with the ball. “Whoever he is, he definitely doesn’t work here, but he doesn’t seem to be waiting in line to bat either. He kept telling me to rotate my hips more when I swing and then explained how so much of hitting is in your legs. At one point, I kind of curtly thanked him hoping he’d give it a rest, but he just kept talking to me throughout my whole turn.” At press time, witnesses confirmed that the unidentified man was growing visibly frustrated by a 14-year-old who had completely missed the ball on every one of his swings.
Hundreds Of Cheap, Generic Doorstops Flood Market After DoorBlocker Patent Runs Out #~# DETROIT—Free to produce generic versions of the product after DoorBlocker’s 20-year patent ran out last month, hundreds of businesses have begun distributing cheap, off-brand doorstops to retail outlets nationwide, industry analysts confirmed Tuesday. “Now that anyone can manufacture a doorstop without fear of legal challenges from the DoorBlocker company, we can expect the market to be flooded with tons of these low-cost knockoffs of the original door-impeding device,” said market researcher Paul Holbloom, naming brands like DoorHalt, SwingLock, PropStop, and Wedge as being among those that have gone on sale in just the past few weeks. “It’s likely DoorBlocker will keep some of its most loyal customers, but I expect that in the future we’ll see many opting for doorstops that are more economical and less of a status symbol.” Holbloom added that the expiration of DoorBlocker’s patent would have no effect on the sizable segment of the market that has always held their doors open with bricks or shoes.
Researchers Say Virgin Mary Actually God’s Second Choice To Bear Son #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—In a startling discovery that sheds new light on the woman Christians revere as the mother of their Lord and Savior, researchers at Yale Divinity School announced Monday that the Blessed Virgin Mary was in fact God’s second choice to bear His only son.
New Extended Paternity Leave Offers Dads More Time To Lose Colleagues’ Respect #~# POTOMAC, MD—Providing male employees with an alternative to the standard one or two weeks off, executives from investment firm Wyndham Capital announced Tuesday that the company had begun offering extended paternity leave to any new fathers wanting more time to lose their colleagues’ respect. “We found that many men were unsatisfied with the duration of our previously offered leave, so we’ve amended our policy to accommodate those on staff who would like a little extra time to lower themselves in the eyes of their coworkers,” said vice president of HR Ben Nylen, explaining that the new 12-week leave was designed to give fathers ample time to show business associates that they’re effeminate weaklings unfit for the high-stakes world of finance. “Taking advantage of a full three months off is not only a great way for men to lose the personal and professional esteem of their peers, but also an opportunity to become the subject of ceaseless ridicule around the office.” Nylen added that, after taking an extended paternity leave, male employees were welcome to come back to the office and be overlooked for raises and promotions for the next dozen years.
Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess. “While our fans have long been enchanted by Belle, Ariel, and Elsa, we wanted to create a relatable princess for girls everywhere who are still virgins,” said Disney executive vice president Zenia Mucha, describing the only Disney princess who has never had sexual intercourse as a quirky, confident, and pure 14-year-old ascendant to the throne of the magical kingdom of Hazelberry. “All Disney princesses have extraordinary stories and inner qualities that make them wonderful and unique, but we’ve always lacked a heroine who hasn’t yet slept with her boyfriend or another male character. We are proud that Lily will finally provide a princess to look up to for the large demographic of young girls who, due to age, choice, or unavailability of sexual partners, have not yet experienced intercourse.” Disney representatives added that sexually active girls would also love Lily’s best friend, Princess Misty, who lives in a neighboring enchanted realm and just moved in with her slightly older boyfriend, Clint.
Study: U.S. Wastes 2 Million Hours Annually Figuring Out Where Tape Roll Starts #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—A new study published Friday by researchers at Indiana University revealed that U.S. citizens waste approximately 2 million hours annually trying to figure out where a roll of tape starts. “According to our data, thousands of hours are squandered each day by Americans running their fingers along the outside of a roll of tape until they stumble upon the frayed edge where the tape begins,” said the study’s co-author Bethany Cohen, who noted that the amount of time Americans fritter away bringing the roll of tape up close to their face and slowly tracing their fingertips around its perimeter accounts for nearly $15 billion annually in lost productivity. “Furthermore, we discovered that when Americans eventually find where the tape starts, they waste an additional 4 million hours per year meticulously picking at the tape with a fingernail until they have a large enough tab to peel back the adhesive material.” The study also found that $700 million worth of tape is lost annually when a useless, narrow part of the piece sticks to the roll and accumulates around the edge.
‘Prince George Effect’ Leads To Skyrocketing Croc Sales #~# Though the clunky plastic shoes have long been criticized as ugly, sales of Crocs surged 1,500 percent after Prince George was photographed wearing a $54 pair of navy blue Crocs at a charity polo match. What do you think?
Samsung Introducing ‘Clear Truck’ To Make Driving Safer #~# Samsung is working to develop a “clear truck,” which works by using a camera installed on the front to livestream the road ahead onto a mounted video screen on the back, letting drivers see “through” the truck. What do you think?
The Gay Rights Movement In America: A Timeline #~# The Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision Friday that bans on gay marriage are unconstitutional, concluding decades of hard-fought battles by gay rights activists to grant marriage equality to all. Here is a timeline of milestones in the gay rights movement in the U.S.:
Supreme Court Rules In Favor Of Most Buck-Wild Pride Parade Nation’s Ever Seen #~# WASHINGTON—Following decades of debate over the constitutional right to same-sex marriage, the U.S. Supreme Court today handed down a 5-4 ruling in favor of the most buck-wild, balls-to-the-wall gay pride parade this country has ever seen. “After reviewing the constitutional underpinnings of this case, the court finds that it is discriminatory for states to deny the right to the most out-of-control, bonkers gay pride parade that anyone could possibly imagine,” Justice Anthony M. Kennedy wrote in his majority opinion, which outlined at length the elaborate floats, billowing rainbow flags, and phalanxes of outlandishly dressed participants, barely scratching the surface of how completely bananas things are about to get. “This decision confirms what should be obvious: The government cannot prevent a nonstop bacchanal surging through the streets of every American city. We’re talking half-naked lesbians covered in body paint, rollerblading homosexuals in brightly colored Native American headdresses and sparkling gold briefs, as well as hundreds of thousands of supporters losing their fucking minds while ‘I Will Survive’ blares at 150 decibels. This is going to be an absolute shit show.” The Supreme Court’s landmark decision was reportedly appended by a concurring opinion authored by Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor in which she agreed that the right to “an uninterrupted three-day batshit insane rager” was mandated by the U.S. Constitution.
Report: Only 47,000 Social Justice Milestones To Go Before U.S. Achieves Full Equality #~# WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision making same-sex marriage legal nationwide, sources confirmed Friday that only 47,000 social justice milestones need to be reached before the U.S. achieves full equality. “This is a watershed moment for civil rights that finally brings the dream of living in an equitable society one tiny fraction of a step closer to reality,” said civil rights lawyer Helene Najjar, adding that the country could now turn its attention to closing the income gap, ending racial discrimination in law enforcement, and providing equal educational opportunities for all children, among tens of thousands of other issues. “We have been striving for this victory for decades, and we will continue to fight for a more just society until we have reached all 47,000 human rights milestones that still need to be achieved. This win proves that we are inching toward living in a nation in which we have equal rights for transgender people, people of color, people with disabilities, people living in poverty, women, immigrants, and countless other marginalized groups.” Experts confirmed that even with the Supreme Court’s ruling, the U.S. would still need to achieve 8,000 more milestones before gays could be considered fully equal.
Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In #~# ‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices
Study: Majority Of Time Machine Owners Use Device Primarily To Get Couple More Hours Of Sleep #~# EVANSTON, IL—In a study published Thursday that looked into the most prevalent uses of the groundbreaking technology, researchers from Northwestern University confirmed that the majority of time machine owners are primarily using their devices in order to get a couple more hours of sleep. “Among those individuals who have designed and assembled a fully operational machine that is capable of transporting them through the fabric of space and time, we found that most did so as a means of catching up on sleep,” lead researcher Jessica Farber told reporters, who noted that time travelers regularly forgo the exploration of historically significant or pivotal time periods in favor of conveying themselves back a few hours from the present so that they can curl up in their bed or futon and enjoy a little extra rest. “Despite the fact that these intrepid individuals possess the previously unfathomable ability to roam amongst the dinosaurs, prevent the Kennedy assassination, or reunite with a deceased loved one, we found that even when they vault themselves centuries into the past or future, most of them have no greater ambition than bringing along a sleeping bag to Ancient Rome or to the Neo-American Republic of 2500 in order to take a quick cat nap and then return to the present day feeling refreshed and energized.” The study also found that 100 percent of time machine owners have on at least one occasion used their apparatus to visit a fast food restaurant at a point in time before it ceased offering a popular menu item.
Stadium’s Pathetic Home Run Animation Doesn’t Even Show Ball Screaming While Leaving Earth #~# CLEVELAND—Calling it a complete and utter failure not worthy of Major League Baseball, sources at Progressive Field confirmed Monday that the stadium’s pathetic home run animation doesn’t even show a baseball screaming as it leaves Earth and flies into outer space. “You don’t get to see the ball’s cover fly off while it rockets out of the atmosphere and becomes a distant twinkle in space—are you kidding me?” said spectator Jake Vaughn, 37, adding that the pitiful excuse for a scoreboard graphic simply shows a large, slowly rotating baseball imprinted with the Cleveland Indians logo as the phrase “Home Run!” appears surrounded by exploding fireworks. “First of all, the ball doesn’t even have eyes or a mouth, but it wouldn’t even matter unless it was terrified and screaming next to a speech bubble that says ‘So long!’ or ‘It’s outta here!’ I mean, c’mon, this is supposed to be the fucking big leagues.” Fans noted, however, that the Jumbotron’s only saving grace is its strikeout animation, which does indeed show the ball catching fire and burning a hole through the catcher’s mitt.
Marathon Training Tips #~# Running a marathon is a major life goal for many people, but it takes precise planning and extensive training to succeed in the 26.2-mile-long race. Here are some training tips for marathon hopefuls:
Man Just Needs To Power Through Another Day Of Not Being Broke And Unemployed #~# CHICAGO—After listing off a litany of reasons why he cannot stand his current job, local 27-year-old Don Rutland told reporters Friday that he just needs to power through another day of not being broke and unemployed. “It’s so unbearable right now, but I’m just going to buckle down and make it to the end of the day,” said the man who is not in the midst of an agonizing nine-month job search and can pay all of his bills on time with the money from the paycheck he receives every other week. “If I can just drag my ass into that office and grind it out until 5 p.m., I’ll be good.” At press time, Rutland was reportedly heading out for drinks to unwind from another day not spent battling a chronic, debilitating illness.
Americans Take Brief Break From Waiting On Hold With Insurance Providers To Celebrate Obamacare Ruling #~# WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold crucial portions of the Affordable Care Act, citizens across the country reportedly took a brief break Thursday from waiting on hold with their insurance providers to celebrate. “This is a great day,” said Chicago resident David Snyder, one of millions of Americans who paused for a moment while trying to determine if their preferred doctor was in-network, checking on the status of an outstanding claim, or fighting a dubious charge that had appeared on their latest billing statement in order to revel in the court’s landmark ruling. “I can’t even say how big a relief it is that—hello? Hello? Dammit, they fucking hung up on me!” At press time, approximately 500,000 Americans were reportedly praising Chief Justice John Roberts for issuing the majority opinion while making a third attempt to navigate their health insurance company’s automated phone tree.
Teens Dream Up Condoms That Change Color When Exposed To STDs #~# Three teenagers in England entering a scientific contest put forward a plan for condoms that would change color when exposed to viral or bacterial sexually transmitted infections, though experts say the technology to actually make the condoms doesn’t exist yet and that there are ethical questions involved with such an invention. What do you think?
Family Enters Crisis Talks After Learning Restaurant Has 45-Minute Wait #~# SKOKIE, IL—Convening several steps back from the hostess stand for an ad hoc round of discussions, members of the Kalpern family reportedly entered crisis talks Wednesday after learning that the wait for a table at the Cheesecake Factory would be 45 minutes. “Okay, we have two real options as I see it: We could tough it out here or head down to Village Crossing where they have a Chili’s and an Outback Steakhouse,” said father and chief negotiator Mark Kalpern after tabling a motion by his daughter that they just leave and pick up a pizza on the way home. “Forty-five minutes is pretty long, and we’ll need to find Grandma a place to sit if we stay here and wait. Of course, by the time we get to another restaurant and see what the wait is there, it might end up taking just as long. So, what’s the game plan?” After several minutes of intense back-and-forth, the group reportedly agreed to a compromise resolution put forth by Lynn Kalpern whereby most of the members would be dropped off at the front of P.F. Chang’s to go put their name in while their father went to find parking.
Boss’s Clout Evaporates After He’s Seen In Shorts At Company Picnic #~# AKRON, OH—Squandering the authority and respect accumulated during his tenure, Pantheon Systems senior manager Robert Crawford, 52, reportedly had his clout instantly evaporate Thursday upon his being seen wearing shorts at the company’s annual summer picnic. “Hey there, good to see you,” said the formerly intimidating supervisor, who moments after arriving at the Pantheon picnic site in a pair of khaki Izod shorts that rose above his knobby, pallid knees had caused his immense levels of influence to dissipate within a matter of seconds. “Nice day for this, huh? Hey, where can I get one of those burgers?” At press time, Pantheon’s employees who witnessed their boss inadvertently expose his pale, tufted stomach while reaching to catch an incoming Frisbee had silently resolved to demand a raise on Monday.
Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal #~# Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal declared Wednesday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential nomination, although the Rhodes Scholar and one-time Republican rising star faces difficult odds in a jam-packed primary field. Here’s what you need to know about Jindal: 
Mom Triumphantly Drags Hotel Pool Lounge Chair Back To Family Like Fresh Kill #~# ENCINITAS, CA—Proudly hauling her prized prey across the Holiday Inn Express’ patio Saturday afternoon, mother of three Bonnie Cohn reportedly dragged a pool lounge chair back to her awaiting family like a fresh kill, onlookers confirmed. “Got one!” said the victorious hunter, who had methodically stalked the poolside area for several minutes before eyeing her quarry, charging across the sun-warmed concrete, and viciously pouncing on her target. “They need to put more chairs out here. There just aren’t enough for everyone.” At press time, Cohn’s most dominant offspring had reportedly ripped the chair away from his weaker siblings.
Report: American Households Throw Away $640 Worth Of Food Each Year #~# According to a new survey, the average American household throws away about $640 worth of food every year, though most people don’t consider the environmental impact of food waste and are instead concerned with the embarrassment of cooking too much food and throwing a lot of it out. What do you think?
Report: More American Children Raised By Carjackers Who Didn’t Realize There Was Someone In Backseat #~# WASHINGTON—Revealing an increase in nontraditional family structures, a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that more American children are being raised by carjackers who didn’t realize there was someone in the backseat. “The number of U.S. children reared by criminals who stole a vehicle by force and then left the scene unaware that a small child was in the rear passenger seat has almost doubled,” the report read in part, showing that since 2014 there has been a dramatic spike in the number of carjackers who made the choice to care for an infant they were surprised to discover in the back of the car after peeling out of an isolated, poorly lit parking lot. “Whether escaped convicts commandeer a vehicle only to find a sleeping toddler that they quickly bond with, or a thief suddenly begins to feel a parental responsibility to care for the innocent twins in the minivan he just stole, these living situations are becoming almost as common as the traditional nuclear family.” The report found that over the same period, the number of children being raised by infertile couples who kidnapped them from a maternity ward has steadily declined.
World’s Frogs Unveil 5-Million-Year Plan To Move Up Food Chain #~# EARTH—Declaring that they had occupied a low-level rung in the global ecosystem for far too long, the world’s frogs revealed Thursday an ambitious 5-million-year plan to move up the food chain.
Timeline Of Mass Extinction #~# Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history:
Gmail Unveils ‘Unsend’ Option #~# Google announced Tuesday it will officially enable an “unsend” button for Gmail that allows users to set a five- to 30-second grace period after hitting “send” on an email to rescind that email, which should help users who accidentally hit “reply all” or send an email impulsively and want to take it back. What do you think?
Tips For Keeping Your Energy Bills Down #~# Extreme heat during the summer means many households will face months of skyrocketing energy bills. Here are some tips for saving energy and keeping your monthly bill reasonable:
Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator. “We examined various aquatic food chains from top to bottom and determined that no other species comes close to challenging the garbage patch’s supremacy in the northern Pacific Ocean,” said Dr. Rebecca Corson, adding that the Texas-sized expanse of discarded plastics and chemical sludge easily displaced such large carnivores as the tiger shark and orca whale from their former place atop the marine pecking order. “The garbage patch can thrive in every ocean climate and devours whatever is in its path, whether it is plants, animals, or thousands of discarded styrofoam takeout containers.” Corson added that at the current rate of growth, the buoyant mass of marine debris would surpass humans as earth’s most dominant force by 2045.
Taylor Swift Delivers Fans’ Pregnancy News #~# While at a meet-and-greet with Taylor Swift, a Louisville, KY couple brought their baby’s ultrasound pictures and a poster reading “Baby’s 1st Concert” to the singer and asked her to help break the news via social media, which she agreed to do. What do you think?
Braves Manager Reminds Players He’ll Throw Out All Unclaimed Steroids In Locker Room Fridge On Friday #~# ATLANTA—Stressing that the small bit of housecleaning still needs to be addressed, Atlanta Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez reportedly reminded his players Wednesday that he will be throwing out all unclaimed steroids left in the locker room refrigerator by the end of the day on Friday. “Just wanted to let you guys know that any solution vials, tablet bottles, and topicals that are still left on the fridge shelves will be discarded at the end of the week,” Gonzalez wrote in an email to the team obtained by reporters, adding that if players do not pick up their performance-enhancing drugs by then, he will assume they no longer want them. “Some of these bottles of Winstrol have been sitting in there untouched for weeks, and we’re starting to run out of space. I want to get it all cleaned up before our next road trip so we’re not coming back to a mess. Please label such items or let me know if you still want them.” Gonzalez reportedly concluded the message by stating that he expects whoever spilled testosterone cream all over the refrigerator’s bottom drawer to clean up after themselves.
Non-Denominational Terrorist Organization Welcomes Extremists Of All Faiths #~# DAMASCUS—Saying its doors were open to anyone with hate in their heart, sources at non-denominational terrorist group Universal Soldiers of Vengeance told reporters Friday that the organization welcomes radicals of all faiths. “Unlike other terror groups that can be too narrow and dogmatic, we encourage our members to use whichever religious justification they most identify with when indiscriminately slaughtering scores of innocent people,” said USOV spokesman Rahman Hasemian, who noted that the group is open to perpetrating massacres in the name of God, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, or dozens of other deities. “We each have our own path to opening fire on a crowd of unsuspecting villagers or blowing up a public market, and there is room for each and every kind of religiously motivated violence here. We must always remember that the complete disregard for human life we share is stronger than the beliefs that divide us.” To determine whether USOV is a good fit for them, Hasemian added that any and all bloodthirsty zealots are always encouraged to stop by a meeting and execute a hostage in the name of whatever higher power they believe in.
Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer #~# DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes. “Sure, [Detective] Rich [Lerner] was a nice guy, but it’s not like we went out to get drinks with each other at the end of each shift or anything like that—we’d usually just say so long and head home,” said Killian, adding that he and Lerner “never really talked about any personal stuff” and that their relationship, while amicable, was largely centered around day-to-day police work. “Maybe if Rich and I were the kind of guys who brought our families over to the other’s house for the occasional weekend cookout or holiday dinner I’d be willing to do whatever it takes to track down the dirtbags who did it, but that’s just not the case. I can see maybe putting in a solid week or 10 days on this. I’m definitely upset over the whole thing, but I’ve got a pretty big caseload as it is.” Killian said he felt further relieved of the burden of relentlessly tracking down his partner’s murderer after meeting with Lerner’s grieving widow, who told Killian to “do what [he] can,” but not to “make [himself] crazy or anything.”
Man Excited To Look Like Different Type Of Idiot In Front Of Coworkers At Bar #~# PITTSBURGH—Noting that the people he works with have only ever seen his moronic office persona, local accountant Stan Bedford told reporters he was excited to look like an entirely different type of idiot in front of his coworkers when they go out for after-work beers Tuesday. “These guys just know me as the timid, soft-spoken doofus who screws up expense reports and contributes nothing of value to staff meetings, but I think they’ll be surprised by the fun-loving, boisterous numbskull I can be once I leave the office,” said Bedford, adding that he was looking forward to grabbing a beer and revealing more of his airheaded, unintelligent personality to the rest of the accounting team. “It’ll be nice to kick back with these guys at Sherry’s Tap, where I can just be my pathetic dimwit self. And who knows? Making simple-minded, imbecilic small talk with people who are less than thrilled to be around me might even become a weekly thing.” Bedford added that, if the group decided to stay out for a while and have a few beers, he might even show his colleagues his drunkenly boorish and detestable side.
Walmart Pulling Confederate Flag Merchandise From Shelves #~# Following the shooting in South Carolina that led citizens to call for the removal of the Confederate flag from the state capitol, Walmart announced it will pull all Confederate flag–themed merchandise from store shelves, including belt buckles and T-shirts. What do you think?
Disney World Forced To Euthanize Character That Attacked Visitor #~# ORLANDO, FL—Explaining that the decision was deemed necessary to protect the health and safety of park patrons, officials at Disney World announced Wednesday that they had been forced to euthanize a character that attacked a visitor over the weekend. “Obviously, this was an unfortunate situation, and we do everything possible to prevent such incidents; however, our policy clearly states that when a character threatens or injures a guest, we have no choice but to put him or her down,” Disney World spokesman Don Milhiser said of the encounter in which the Dale character in the Frontierland portion of the park became defensive during a meet-and-greet and viciously clawed a 9-year-old visitor. “He’s very protective of Chip, and we think the girl just approached a little too quickly for a photo. We considered relocating Dale to a different section of the park, but we couldn’t risk this happening with another guest, especially in light of last year’s Eeyore incident.” Disney World officials closed their press conference by reminding visitors to avoid any sudden movements, maintain their distance, and refrain from making direct eye contact with any of the characters.
Vending Machine Most Up-To-Date Technology In School #~# ST. LOUIS—Noting the modern interface and newly installed software, sources confirmed Tuesday that the vending machine in Kenwood High School’s cafeteria is the most up-to-date technology in the school. “This thing is great,” said 10th-grade Kenwood High student Charles Pilsen, referring to the school’s only touchscreen-enabled device, which also features a computer with a high-speed processor and wireless connectivity. “It’s so awesome to watch it suction up the snack and drop it down into the bin. The best part is you can pay with cash, a credit card, or a smartphone.” At press time, the vending machine was temporarily unavailable as a service technician performed routine maintenance to ensure that the device was functioning properly.
Stupid 16-Year-Old Completely Wasting Adderall Prescription On Mental Health #~# ACTON, MA—Ingesting a single 15 mg pill of the medication at the start of every school day, local 16-year-old moron Josh Wagner is completely wasting his Adderall prescription on his mental health, flabbergasted sources reported Wednesday. “Instead of moving 30 tablets a week at 10 bucks a pop, this dum-dum is taking a quick-release Addy before homeroom just to help him concentrate in math class—what a fucking moron,” classmate Dave Hoster said of the unbelievable idiot currently flushing $300 down the drain to treat a variety of ADD symptoms. “He could pull in $1,500 a semester easy, and that’s not even including what he’d get during the SATs. This guy’s easily the biggest dumbass on campus.” At press time, sources reported that Wagner had hit the jackpot when his doctor wrote him a prescription for coveted 20 mg tablets but would probably blow the whole thing on getting through the day without fidgeting uncontrollably.
Pete Rose, Tim Donaghy Among Class Of 2015 Inductees For Sports Betting Hall Of Fame #~# ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Joining such greats as Green Bay Packers running back Paul Hornung and “Shoeless” Joe Jackson of the 1919 Chicago White Sox, former Cincinnati Reds star Pete Rose and retired NBA referee Tim Donaghy were among the inductees enshrined Monday evening in the Sports Betting Hall of Fame. “It is my incredible honor to recognize the life’s work of the class of 2015, each of whom brought gambling on professional sports to a whole new level,” chairman Phillip DiCarmine said in his opening speech at the Hotel Borgata Casino, adding that the whistle Donaghy used during the 2007 NBA playoffs would be added to the hall’s memorabilia collection, as would Pete Rose’s betting slips from the final few years of his Major League Baseball career. “Although sports betting has seen scores of exceptional oddsmakers, loan sharks, and gambling-addicted athletes, this hall is reserved for the greatest of all time. The men whose busts will now adorn Atlantic City will be forever remembered for how they successfully covered the spread, and for their relentless pursuit of perfection when placing multiple-team parlays.” Reached for comment, Rose acknowledged that his induction into the Hall of Fame marks his proudest moment, and one that he had been working toward his entire life.
Sony Demands That Spider-Man Be Straight, White #~# According to newly released documents from the ongoing Sony leak, a legal agreement between Sony Pictures and Marvel Entertainment declares that in all movies, the character Spider-Man must be white and straight. What do you think?
The Only Way To Get Over Your Fear Of The Moon Is To Walk On It #~# It’s okay to be afraid sometimes. It’s a completely natural feeling that all of us experience. But we can’t let fear dominate our lives. In my case, when it came to the one thing that scared me the most—that single fear that tormented me nearly every day—I knew the problem would only get worse unless I confronted it head-on. So, on July 21, 1969, I finally took the plunge. I conquered my fear of the moon once and for all by walking on it.
Mom Recommends Previously Unheard-Of Form Of Transportation Son Could Take To Get Home #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Mentioning that there were some great deals on weekend round trips right now, local mother Carolyn Lynch reportedly recommended a previously unheard-of form of transportation Tuesday that her son could take to travel home. “They’ve got really reasonable tickets on FlashWheels for just $27,” said Lynch, adding that the formerly unknown transit service was easy to book and offered twice-daily trips to the Minneapolis–Saint Paul area. “Your father or I can just pick you up from the nearest FlashPoint at the regional airport when you arrive. They also have free Wi-Fi, so you can go online during your trip home.” At press time, Lynch reportedly told her son that she would just order the tickets for him, as she had found an online coupon offering 20 percent off a 12-ride FlashPack.
Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan #~# Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?
Black Man In Support Of Confederate Flag Triples His Media Appearance Rates #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Saying that his services had never been more in demand, Andrew Lewis, a local black man who supports flying the Confederate flag, announced plans Monday to triple his media appearance rates. “My phone’s been ringing off the hook the past few days, so I decided I’m not doing a spot for anything less than $1,500,” said Lewis, citing the numerous requests from news outlets for an African American who is willing to appear on television for three to five minutes and articulate why displaying the Confederate flag is an important symbol of states’ rights and standing up to the federal government. “I’m booked solid through Wednesday for one-on-ones and roundtable panels where I describe the flag as an important part of my state’s rich heritage, but I’d find a way to squeeze in a few more if the price was right. I’m just trying to make the most of this while I’m still hot.” Lewis added that when the latest controversy subsides, he would always have steady work appearing on political pundit shows to condemn affirmative action and argue for tighter voter ID laws.
Jeb Bush Surprised How Easily Stance On Confederate Flag Set Him Apart From Other Republican Candidates #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Expressing satisfaction with the unexpected bump in his polling numbers, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush confirmed Monday that he was astonished by how easily his stance on removing the Confederate flag from the South Carolina Capitol set him apart from the rest of the GOP field. “When I tweeted in support of taking down a widely recognized symbol of racism and white supremacy, I thought I’d fall pretty squarely in line with the other Republican candidates, but fortunately I was wrong,” said Bush after competitors in the GOP primary race either refused to voice an opinion to avoid offending voters or suggested that the decision should fall to the state’s lawmakers, establishing himself as the most sane member of the field “with pretty much zero effort.” “All I had to do was offer a basic sentiment about how they should take down a flag widely considered to represent slavery and horrific racial oppression, and boom—suddenly I’m the only enlightened one in the group. I wish everything was this effortless.” Bush reportedly expressed relief that he was able to stand out on the Confederate flag issue and wasn’t forced to change his stance on climate change, abortion, taxes, immigration, the economy, foreign policy, budget spending, education reform, or national defense. 
South Carolina Refuses To Remove Confederate Flag From Capitol Trailer #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Shooing away protesters from the brown, debris-covered lawn, state lawmakers reportedly refused Monday to remove the Confederate flag from South Carolina’s Capitol Trailer. “Go on, git!” said shirtless South Carolina state representative Jeff Duncan, who sources confirmed tossed an empty 40-ounce bottle of Colt 45 at a group of demonstrators while reclining in a battered, dirt-caked plastic kiddie pool. “Y’all quit messing with our capitol trailer. You ain’t never gonna see this flag come down, you hear? Now, get on outta here unless you wanna get real well acquainted with my shotgun.” At press time, a two-thirds majority of South Carolina state legislators had reportedly passed out amongst the rusted washing machine and a sink on the grass in front of the state’s double-wide trailer.
Etsy Bans Sale Of Metaphysical Items #~# In an effort to protect buyers from products that don’t do what they say they do, online marketplace Etsy has instituted a new policy banning spells, hexes, potions, and “[a]ny metaphysical service that promises or suggests it will effect a physical change (e.g., weight loss) or other outcome (e.g., love, revenge).” What do you think?
Mentor To Younger Women In Company Lets Herself Knock One Down Once In A While As Treat #~# NEW YORK—While she regularly offers guidance to younger women as they make their way in an industry largely dominated by men, Colleen Miller of tech firm Roltronix told reporters Tuesday she also enjoys knocking one or two down from time to time, just as a treat to herself.
Report: Biggest Parenting Fear Remains Losing Child In High-Stakes Poker Tournament #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Saying the terrifying scenario plays out in a typical mother or father’s mind several times per day, a report released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University revealed that losing a child in a high-stakes underground poker tournament remains Americans’ biggest parenting fear. “According to our survey data, every mom and dad’s greatest nightmare is looking into the innocent young eyes of their beloved firstborn and having to say goodbye to them forever after folding on a pair of nines in a dimly lit back room in Chinatown or while aboard a 30-foot luxury yacht anchored off the Cayman Islands,” said lead researcher Emily Gibson, who added that, despite their best efforts to focus on positive thoughts, many parents found themselves unable to shake the worry that they might one day have no choice but to hand over their 7-year-old son or daughter to an eccentric billionaire, shadowy Ukrainian business mogul, or South Asian arms dealer after being called out on a weak bluff. “For a significant number of mothers and fathers, the fear that they’ll add their little Caitlin or Joshua to the pot because they think they’re sitting on a sure thing with a queens-over-tens full house only to see their opponent hit quads on the river can be completely debilitating, often keeping them awake night after night.” The study further revealed that the most common phobia among singles was that they might never get married and have a child who could be offered up to cover the house’s buy-in.
Comic Book Fans Adamant That Human Torch Be Played By Actor Whose Body Actually Engulfed In Flames #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing their frustration with the casting for the new Fantastic Four film, comic book fans across the country were reportedly adamant Monday that the superhero the Human Torch should be played by an actor who is actually engulfed in flames. “They should have stayed true to the original comics and selected an actor whose entire body is on fire,” said longtime Fantastic Four fan Barry Reich, criticizing filmmakers for casting Michael B. Jordan, who, unlike the comic book version of the Human Torch, is not enveloped from head to toe in flames. “Hollywood screwed up big time. It makes no sense for Susan Storm’s younger brother, Johnny, to be played by a non-ignited man. Since 1963, the Human Torch has always been able to generate powerful streams of flames and fireballs, and to ignore that is insulting to Fantastic Four creators Stan Lee and Jack Kirby.” Comic book fans, however, reportedly commended Fantastic Four director Josh Trank’s bold choice to cast a hyper-intelligent actor with multiple scientific doctorates and an elastic body as Mister Fantastic.
Ungrateful Man Just Up And Dies After Everything Insurance Company Has Done For Him #~# HARTFORD, CT—After his health insurance provider selflessly paid dozens of claims, covered no fewer than five generic drug prescriptions, and fielded his near-daily phone calls, ungrateful policy member Samuel Clifton, 59, had the temerity to just up and die Monday without so much as a word of explanation, sources reported. “Unbelievable—we bend over backwards for this guy and he just goes and passes away,” Aetna claims manager Gloria Reyman said while reviewing “the complete ingrate’s” files, noting that her company had only aggressively disputed a handful of his claims over the past year. “Sure, he paid for the first $2,500, but then we covered a good chunk of his in-network costs. And after all the time we put in, mailing him the summaries of his treatments and hospital visits, this is how he thanks us? By dying, just like that?” Reyman added that the recently deceased Clifton at least had the common decency to provide Aetna with an emergency contact so the company could send next-of-kin information to several collection agencies.
Study: Cat Videos Boost Energy, Positive Emotion #~# According to a study of 7,000 internet users, watching cat videos online gives people more energy and makes them feel happier and more positive. What do you think?
God Admits He Too Close To Creation To Judge Whether It Any Good Or Not #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying that His opinion of the heavens and the earth seems to change every time He looks at them, The Lord Our God, Supreme Ruler of the Universe, admitted Monday that He is simply too close to His divine creation to judge whether it’s any good or not. “I worked on this thing for over 13 billion years, so sometimes I wonder whether I really have enough critical distance,” said God Almighty, adding that, having poured His heart and soul into the universe for so many eons, His attachment to it may be blinding Him to some of its flaws. “I’m still on the fence about certain creative choices I made, but there are also times when I feel like I’m probably being too critical about small corners I cut when making the cosmos—things that only I would ever notice. What I could really use is an outsider’s perspective.” At press time, the Lord had decided to step away from His work for a few millennia and hopefully come back to it with a fresh set of eyes.
Walmart Moves Greeters Back To Front Of Stores #~# In an effort to deter shoplifters and boost what it calls “door presence,” Walmart has decided to move greeters back to the front of stores instead of having them multitask by performing other duties, like tidying shelves and opening registers. What do you think?
Report: 98% Of German Sexual Intercourse Uploaded To Pornhub #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—According to a report released Friday by researchers at the University of Florida College of Public Health, 98 percent of all sexual intercourse in Germany is recorded and uploaded to the pornographic video–sharing website Pornhub. “After careful analysis, we have discovered that almost all of the sexual activity that occurs among Germany’s 80 million residents is captured on film and subsequently submitted to the adult video–sharing site Pornhub for public viewing,” said the report’s author, Nathan Saunders, who noted that the 5 million videos uploaded by German citizens each day depict the overwhelming majority of oral, vaginal, and anal sex that occurred within the country’s borders during that 24-hour period. “This extremely high rate of recording and sharing such sex acts appears to hold true across every German demographic and fetish. The data clearly show that almost every sexual encounter, from these citizens’ eight-member orgies, to their acts of fisting, to the most banal two-minute mutual masturbation session, ultimately winds up on this particular website.” Saunders added that the study also found that only 0.000001 percent of the filmed acts of bestiality in Brazil ever make it online.
Younger Vikings Players Picking Adrian Peterson’s Brain For Parenting Tips #~# EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Hoping to gain some insight from his incredible wealth of knowledge and experience, younger Minnesota Vikings players told reporters Friday that they have been picking running back Adrian Peterson’s brain during minicamp for helpful parenting advice. “My 4-year-old has been throwing a ton of tantrums lately, so naturally I sought out Adrian to see how he handles these situations with his own kids,” said wide receiver Adam Thielen, adding that he hoped to get the six-time Pro Bowler’s perspective on how to quickly and effectively discipline his children to prevent their bad behavior from getting out of hand. “Sometimes when I tell her to clear her plate, she’ll just outright ignore me, and getting her ready for bed is always such a struggle every single night. But Adrian is the go-to guy on the team for all this stuff, so I’m sure he has a few tricks up his sleeve. He’s always willing to take the younger guys on the team aside and talk about fatherhood and the responsibilities of raising a family.” At press time, local police officers were responding to a spate of 911 calls relating to domestic violence throughout the Twin Cities area.
Study: 84% Of Couples Who Walk Around Exploring New Neighborhood Never Make It Home #~# PULLMAN, WA—Warning that those who go on such weekend outings do so at their own peril, a study released Friday by researchers at Washington State University found that more than four in five couples who walk around exploring new neighborhoods never make it back home. “Our evidence suggests that the vast majority of couples who decide to take an afternoon stroll through a part of town they’ve never visited before simply vanish without a trace,” said the report’s author, Monica Briggins, noting that barely 15 percent of couples who decide to check out a cute little area they read about online or a new tapas bar on the other side of the city actually end up returning safe and unharmed to their residences. “Of course, of that 84 percent who wind up being listed in missing persons reports, only about half their bodies are ever located and recovered. We found that the remaining half of couples who wanted to take advantage of the nice weather and finally visit a city’s up-and-coming arts district are simply never seen or heard from again.” The report follows on the heels of a recent study that found that 71 percent of couples who go jogging together become completely lost and must resort to cannibalism.
Treasury Department Asking Public To Help Choose Woman On New $10 Bill #~# After announcing plans to put a woman on the $10 bill by 2020, the Treasury Department added that it will be launching a huge social media campaign to solicit the public for suggestions on which woman to choose, with the only restriction being that she must be dead. What do you think?
NRA Starts Up Their Shit About What Would Be Even Greater Injustice #~# FAIRFAX, VA—In the wake of Wednesday’s mass shooting that left nine dead at a church in South Carolina, sources confirmed today that National Rifle Association officials had already started up with their shit about what would be an even greater injustice. “What happened in Charleston is a terrible tragedy, but what would be even worse is if we reacted to this event by passing laws infringing on our constitutional rights,” said NRA board member Charles Cotton, who, right on cue, let loose the same predictable flood of steaming horseshit about how the real threat facing Americans comes from legislators who would attempt to restrict access to firearms. “While we mourn those killed, we should never let an incident like this distract from our defense of [the fact that I myself am a pile of human waste who is fundamentally incapable of responding to the deaths of innocent people without raw, putrid sewage gushing from my mouth].” At press time, the NRA had called on Congress to honor the victims of Wednesday’s shooting by passing a law ensuring that citizens can protect themselves by carrying semi-automatic weapons into all houses of worship.
Serial Killer Admits He’s Lost Track Of Pattern He Was Going For Originally #~# CHESTER, OR—Saying there had to be some sort of logic to the string of grisly murders he had committed over the past seven years, local serial killer Christopher Palley admitted to reporters Friday that he had completely lost track of whatever pattern he had originally been going for.
Bubba Watson Horrified To Learn Two-Thirds Of Earth Covered In Water Hazards #~# UNIVERSITY PLACE, WA—Utterly overwhelmed by the thought of the planet’s surface containing such an unfathomable amount of the natural course obstacles, pro golfer Bubba Watson expressed both shock and fear Friday upon learning that approximately two-thirds of Earth is covered in water hazards. “It’s actually disturbing to think about water hazards making up over 70 percent of the world,” a wide-eyed Watson told reporters, noting with visible anxiety that the Pacific Ocean alone is over 60 million square miles of water hazard. “Think about it—you can look out from the edge of the rough and see nothing but a huge water hazard for thousands and thousands of miles. And some of the water hazards are so deep that no golf balls have ever even sunk all the way to the bottom. God, it’s just staggering.” Sources later confirmed that Watson was equally stunned after finding out that over 25 percent of the African continent is a single massive sand trap.
Guy Sipping Energy Drink On Subway Probably Heading Off To Snowboard In X Games Or Something #~# NEW YORK—Speculating that his life must be one of constant thrills and unbridled adventure, subway sources confirmed Thursday that the guy currently sipping an energy drink while riding the downtown 6 train is probably heading off to snowboard in the X Games or engage in some other mind-blowing extreme sport. “Judging by that can of energy drink in his hand, this guy must be on his way to compete in some kind of freestyle snowpipe event, or maybe carve massive waves in an international surfing championship,” said fellow commuter Josh Harper, noting that the audacious, risk-taking man would surely need the mental and physical stimulation provided by his energy drink in order to, most likely, free climb a 3,000-foot cliff face and then BASE jump back down to the bottom once he reached the top. “It’s obvious that coffee alone isn’t enough for this guy—he needs a serious boost if he’s going to pull off a perfect 1080 on a skateboarding vert ramp or take first place in his winner-take-all motocross race. Honestly, I’m just amazed he’s willing to put up with the drudgery of a subway ride when he could be traversing the whole city through a series of impossibly acrobatic parkour maneuvers.” At press time, sources noted that the energy drink-consuming daredevil had taken an available subway seat, surely in order to conserve his energy for his upcoming kiteboarding excursion.
Frustrated Republicans Argue Pope Should Leave Science To Scientists Who Deny Climate Change #~# WASHINGTON—In response to a 184-page papal encyclical that urges immediate action to address the environmental and social consequences of global warming, a coalition of frustrated Republican leaders issued statements Thursday arguing that Pope Francis should leave scientific matters to scientists who deny climate change. “Frankly, it’s not really anyone’s place to make declarations about climate science or global temperature changes unless they’re a scientific expert who has spent years rejecting the concept of climate change,” said former Florida governor Jeb Bush, who added that the pope had neither studied climate science nor ever been among the 3 percent of researchers who stand in opposition to the overwhelmingly dominant position held by the scientific community on climate change, so he had no business speaking on the subject. “Personally, I would never trust anyone as an authority on climate change unless they had done years of research and published papers claiming there isn’t enough conclusive evidence yet. The pope should just stick to theology and let the several dozen scientists who support the scientifically disproven point of view on global warming do the talking.” Bush also told reporters that Pope Francis was unqualified to issue policy recommendations of any kind unless he had personally accepted money from the fossil fuel industry.
Highlights Of The Pope’s Climate Change Encyclical #~# The Vatican released Thursday a 184-page papal encyclical by Pope Francis condemning the human behaviors causing climate change and urging global action to combat environmental degradation, marking the first time the Catholic Church has aligned itself with scientists on climate issues. Here are some highlights of the pope’s landmark climate change encyclical:
Report: Donald Trump Paid Background Actors $50 To Cheer Him At Rally #~# According to The Hollywood Reporter, Donald Trump used the services of a casting agency to hire background actors to cheer him on at the recent rally where he announced his presidential candidacy, paying them each $50 for about three hours of work. What do you think?
Patriots Horrified After New Super Bowl Rings Cause Fingers To Shrivel Up, Turn Black #~# CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Moments after receiving their Super Bowl XLIX championship rings at team owner Robert Kraft’s home earlier this week, sources confirmed that New England Patriots players and coaches were horrified to find that the rings caused their fingers to instantly shrivel up and turn black. “Oh my God!” a horrified Julian Edelman screamed moments after slipping on the diamond-encrusted band, which immediately turned his ring finger into a shrunken, dried husk of charcoal flesh as spider-like tendrils of black rot rapidly spread up the wide receiver’s arm. “It’s burning me! It’s so hot! Wait, it’s—it’s not coming off! Oh, God, it’s not coming off! Help! Please help me!” At press time, as his players shrieked and clutched at their ashen, mutating arms, head coach Bill Belichick donned all four of his Super Bowl rings and could be observed cackling madly as he began levitating several feet above the ground.
National Dialogue Dusted Off #~# WASHINGTON—Following news of a racially motivated shooting massacre in South Carolina that left nine churchgoers dead Wednesday night, the country figured it was once again time to dust off the national dialogue, sources confirmed. “After yesterday’s tragic shooting in Charleston, we felt it was probably time to pull this old thing off the shelf, blow away some of the dust that’s collected on it, and crack it open,” said Mark Fulton, 43, of Reading, PA, referring to the decades-old discourse regarding the kind of free, safe, and respectful society that we as Americans want to live in, which the nation pulls out a dozen or so times a year in the immediate aftermath of unconscionable violence. “Obviously, we won’t be focusing on the parts about police brutality that we’ve used the last few times, but the other sections about racial tolerance, mental health, and gun control are pretty much good to go. It’s definitely a little worn-out from all the use, but we’ll be careful to return the conversation to storage for safekeeping once we’re done with it in about a week or so.” Sources nationwide added that meaningful change would stay untouched on the shelf and would likely remain there unopened indefinitely.
FDA Gives Food Corporations 3 Years To Eliminate Trans Fats #~# In an effort to rid the market of unhealthy foods and cut down on obesity rates, the FDA has given major food manufacturers three years to phase out trans fats in processed foods. What do you think?
Wedding Album Off To Bizarre Start With Photo Of 2 Acorns Floating In Glass Of Water #~# LONGMONT, CO—Staring with confusion at the close-up, black-and-white image, sources looking through Brad and Dana Rogers’ wedding photos Thursday confirmed the album was off to a bizarre start with a stylized shot of two acorns floating in a glass of water. “Boy, what were they going for here? I guess the acorns could represent the two of them, but why would they just be sitting there in a water glass on a table like that?” said friend Mark Alpern, pointing out that the album contained a second, equally puzzling photo of the same scene, this one in color and from a different angle, with one of the wedding bands visible in the soft-focus background. “Maybe it’s because they like nature? I guess that would make sense if the wedding had been in the fall or outdoors, but it was last week in a hotel ballroom in Wichita. Huh.” Alpern went on to express bewilderment at a series of photos in which the bridesmaids and groomsmen were gathered together in two separate huddles as though they were members of opposing football teams.
Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break #~# TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break. “It’s not like Tim rushed out of the office, grabbed a quick premade sandwich from the convenience store across the street and then rushed back in—no, he sauntered right past everyone on his way out, headed straight for a Buffalo Wild Wings, where he met a friend, ordered an Asian Zing wing combo with fries and took his time eating it before walking back in just in time for the 1:30 sales meeting. It was absolutely insane,” said coworker Helen Long, recounting with awe the boxed-up leftovers that Gibbons triumphantly placed in the office refrigerator upon returning as Long herself worked through a microwaved prepackaged meal while finishing up a lengthy spreadsheet. “This is the craziest thing anyone has done around here since Lola tried to get Chinese food delivered—but then the spring rolls weren’t included as promised. What Tim has done today defies all logic. He’s a madman, but goddammit do I admire him.” Long added that she had seen nothing like Gibbons’ feat in her seven-year history at Synergy Media Services, save for the legendary former salesman Bryan, who had somehow figured out how to wake up early enough to go to the gym before work.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# CHARLESTON, SC—In the hours following a violent rampage in downtown Charleston in which a lone attacker killed nine individuals and seriously injured one other, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Oklahoma resident Kenneth Barrows, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this guy from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what he really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past five and a half years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Top Summer Internships For 2015 #~# More students than ever are getting summer internships at top companies where they hope to make connections and learn career skills. Here are the most sought-after internships for college undergraduates:
Study Finds Dangers Even In Casual Bullfighting #~# BETHESDA, MD—Challenging conventional wisdom about the activity’s hazards, a groundbreaking new study by the National Institutes of Health published Thursday has determined there are significant dangers even in casual bullfighting. 
Neil Young Mad At Donald Trump For Using Song For Campaign #~# Neil Young complained yesterday that Donald Trump did not get his permission to play his song “Rockin’ In The Free World” in the background of his presidential campaign announcement. What do you think?
Man Recalls Desperate, Exhausting 14-Month Job Search That Made Him Want To Get Into Sales #~# ATLANTA—Calling it a vital, formative experience that led him to find his true calling, junior sales associate Matthew Swenson recalled Wednesday the desperate and exhausting 14-month job search that inspired him to pursue a career in sales. “Looking back, I guess you could say it was the frustrating year I spent tirelessly applying to job after job and taking any interview I could get that made me realize what I wanted to do with my life,” the 29-year-old told reporters, describing how the hundreds of résumés he sent out to companies across a variety of industries, most of which he never heard back from, instilled in him a deep desire to become a sales professional the moment he was offered a position in that field. “After scouring online postings for hours each day, nearly giving up on finding any job at all, and then coming across an opportunity to get into sales, I knew deep down it was the path I wanted to take. And here I am.” Swenson added that when he meets recent college graduates, he assures them that once their morale hits a low point and they’re willing to grab hold of anything that comes their way, they too will discover their passion in life.
Banking Tech Firm Develops Software That Lets Customers Use Emojis As Passwords #~# In a bid to make online banking easier for millennials, a technology firm in the U.K. debuted a software that would allow customers to use emojis as their online banking passwords. What do you think?
U.S. Consumers Announce Plan To Get One Of Those #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that it looked great and they’d been wanting something like that, the nation’s consumers announced plans Wednesday to get one of those. “Oh, yeah, I’ve definitely got to go pick one of those up,” said Jason Munro of Manitowoc, WI, who echoed the sentiments of tens of millions of his fellow consumers by adding that he’d been hearing a lot of good stuff about it for a while. “I’m sure I could get one around here, but I could probably get a better deal online.” After receiving it, the populace reported that it works pretty good and that you should definitely get one.
Less Popular Friend Proposes Combining Birthdays Into Single Party #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying it would be fun to have everyone together in the same place, local man David Coughlin reportedly proposed combining his birthday party with that of his far more popular friend, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I know my birthday’s a couple weeks after yours, but maybe it’d be cool if we just threw one huge bash together,” said Coughlin, who, without assistance from his more gregarious friend Ryan Whatley, would only have been able to scrape together a mere handful of acquaintances for a celebration dedicated solely to himself. “I feel like our guest lists probably overlap a ton, so people won’t have to worry about making it out to two separate parties. Besides, if we pool our money together, maybe we could even rent out a bar or something.” At press time, Coughlin was enthusiastically proposing that they even make the combined party kind of a yearly tradition.
Gap Closures To Leave Americans With Fewer Places To Buy Pants For Friend’s Wedding At Last Second #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing regret for any inconvenience the move caused, clothing retailer Gap Inc. said Tuesday that its plan to close 175 locations nationwide would leave Americans with fewer options for buying a pair of pants for a friend’s wedding at the last second. “The Gap has always provided a convenient place for people attending an out-of-town wedding to hastily buy a new pair of khakis after accidentally spilling coffee on the pants they were wearing, and we’re aware of the difficulty eliminating the stores will have on these individuals,” said Gap spokesman Nathan Levine, adding that the company would be shuttering roughly one quarter of its U.S. locations, places where, previously, people who suddenly discovered their dress shirt had a hole in it only minutes before a job interview could buy an affordable replacement. “Whether you just noticed sweat stains on your favorite polo on the way to a barbecue or you need a pair of decent slacks because you suddenly realized a restaurant you’re attending a party at has a stricter dress code than you thought, we appreciate you making the Gap your destination all these years.” Levine went on to say that people who forgot a bathing suit and needed an $8 pair of shorts they could wear into a pool still had plenty of options, however, as the downsizing would not affect any stores belonging to Gap’s Old Navy brand.
Gap Closing 175 Locations In Favor Of Smaller, ‘More Vibrant’ Stores #~# Facing a decline in popularity among millennials who increasingly prefer online shopping to the mall, Gap announced that it plans to close 175 stores across the country in order to focus on “a smaller, more vibrant fleet of stores.” What do you think?
Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer #~# FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
Candidate Profile: Donald Trump #~# Billionaire real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump announced Tuesday plans to run in the 2016 presidential election, marking the first time he will formally seek the Republican nomination after floating the idea in several previous election cycles. Here are some key facts to know about Trump: 
Police Headquarters Completes New Addition To Accommodate Officers On Desk Duty For Misconduct #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to expand its congested facilities to better meet the department’s staffing needs, the Chicago Police Department announced Tuesday the construction of a new addition to its headquarters that will allow it to accommodate officers who have been placed on desk duty due to allegations of misconduct. “As an increasing number of our patrolmen are reassigned to administrative tasks pending the resolution of their internal investigations, we have found it necessary to expand our floor plan,” police chief Garry McCarthy told reporters, saying that the new annex includes ample space for officers removed from active duty and relegated to clerical tasks such as filing reports and categorizing evidence. “We were simply running out of places to put officers who had been taken off the streets for disciplinary reasons. This extension should allow us to accommodate the overflow for the foreseeable future.” At press time, the new addition was already filled past capacity, with many officers working two to a single desk.
Study: Dogs Can Tell When People Are Nice To Their Owners #~# A new study has found that because dogs have evolved to cooperate socially in society, they are able to detect when someone is mean to their owner and will act less friendly toward that person in return. What do you think?
Study Finds Girls Go Through Manga Phase Earlier Than Boys #~# WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the adolescent development process, a study published Tuesday by researchers at Georgetown University has found that girls go through their manga phase earlier than boys. “As our research team analyzed hundreds of children, we saw that the onset of interest in Japanese comics and graphic novels begins about one or two years earlier in females than in males,” said lead researcher Dr. Helen Akers, noting that girls typically get their first shoujo manga by age 11 and read them for several more years until they’ve fully transitioned to josei by age 14 or 15. “By the time most girls have finished Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon, many boys are just beginning to develop an interest in Dragon Ball Z. This is why, in many seventh- or eighth-grade classrooms, you might have a girl who has read 20 volumes of Fullmetal Alchemist sitting right next to a boy who hasn’t even heard of Naruto.” Researchers added that in light of their findings, parents need to sit down with girls at a young age to discuss different comics so they can be prepared when their daughters eventually begin experimenting with hentai.
Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go #~# BALTIMORE—Researchers at Johns Hopkins University published a new study this week on the cognitive effects of Alzheimer’s disease and other deteriorative brain disorders, finding conclusive evidence that dementia sufferers’ fondest memories are nearly always the first to go.
One Time I Punched A Goose Right Out Of The Air #~# I’ve spent my whole adult life promoting species diversity and protecting birds. In my current capacity as president and CEO of the Audubon Society, I work tirelessly to raise awareness of the habitat destruction that threatens these incredible, beautiful creatures. I love birds. I love all birds. But I’m not going to pretend this incident in my past didn’t happen, and I’m not going to try to defend my actions, either. Yes, I did it—I’m not proud of it, but I did it:
Pope Francis Calls On Catholics To Pay Attention To The Environment #~# Days before he is expected to send out an official encyclical letter on the issue, Pope Francis called on the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics to pay attention to environmental issues and act as “stewards of creation.” What do you think?
Beefy Little Boy On Boogie Board Misses Fourth Wave In A Row #~# GARDEN CITY, SC—Struggling to propel his husky frame through the water with the correct momentum and timing needed to be carried toward shore, a beefy little boy on a boogie board at Garden City Beach reportedly missed his fourth wave in a row Monday afternoon. Witnesses confirmed that the little butterball, who reportedly began huffing and puffing after barely wading into the water up to his roly-poly waist, was seen heaving his entire fleshy stomach onto his board either a second too early or too late to catch the crest of each wave that came rolling by. Although the total chubster’s beady little eyes are said to have grown wide with anticipation at the sight of every oncoming wave, the porker’s practice of taking a huge breath, scrunching up his whole piggy face, and vaulting his hefty body forward had reportedly failed in all four attempts. After winding up just a few feet from his original position, reports indicate that the blubber boy would then spend several moments struggling to stand in the surf, hoist up his swim trunks, and toddle back to the spot where he had previously been standing in order to try again. At press time, the plump little tubbo was reportedly lumbering toward his towel, where his entire meaty face lit up at the sight of ice pops in his family’s cooler.
Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria #~# ‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks
Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush #~# Former Florida governor Jeb Bush announced his candidacy Monday for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, putting one of the early frontrunners in the polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Jeb Bush: 
North Korean Military Developing Parade Capable Of Traveling 5,000 Miles #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Drawing on satellite data and foreign intelligence reports, Pentagon officials confirmed Monday that North Korea was in the late stages of developing a military parade with an operational range of 5,000 miles. “With its current capabilities, the DPRK could, at a moment’s notice, deploy a lavish parade to the Japanese mainland or Guam, potentially expanding the reach of its festivities to the West Coast of the United States by year’s end,” said Deputy Secretary of Defense Robert O. Work, who explained that the communist dictatorship had bolstered its arsenal of massive full-color Kim Jong-il and Kim Il-sung banners, and that its top choreographers were drilling soldiers on how to maneuver in dazzling synchronized formations for maximum visual effect. “We estimate that by early 2016, several major U.S. population centers, including Seattle and Los Angeles, could be within their sights. And if this progress goes unchecked, American citizens could one day wake up to the sounds of the Korean People’s Army State Merited Chorus and Ensemble, followed by the horrific spectacle of 20,000 people dancing in matching traditional costumes as a solitary, weeping woman sings songs in praise of Kim Jong-un.” Pentagon sources confirmed that any test of a North Korean military procession would be the country’s first since 2010, when a parade veered sharply off course and wound up in the East China Sea.
Fox News Holding Second Primary Debate For Less Popular GOP Candidates #~# Fox News originally planned to limit its August Republican primary debate to 10 candidates, but then decided to add a second 90-minute televised forum in Cleveland for all the other candidates who failed to qualify. What do you think?
Department Of Interior Sets Aside 50,000 Acres Of Federal Land For Anonymous Sexual Encounters #~# WASHINGTON—Replacing the patchwork of empty fields, municipal parks, and wooded roadside areas throughout the country where Americans currently engage in such recreational activity, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Friday that it had set aside 50,000 acres of federal land for anonymous sexual encounters. “It’s vitally important that U.S. citizens, both now and in the future, have access to a designated, federally protected expanse of dense wilderness and verdant undergrowth in which they can furtively solicit and engage in sex with strangers,” said Interior Secretary Sally Jewell, adding that the lands, which span remote portions of southern Wyoming and northern Colorado, would feature plenty of small forest clearings, abundant tucked-away gullies, and numerous bathroom facilities where individuals could embark on spontaneous, uninhibited trysts with nameless strangers. “Every American should have the right to experience the thrill of flashing one’s car headlights in a dimly lit parking lot, retreating into the park’s vast expanses of tall grasses, and engaging in surreptitious and liberating sexual activity under the cover of darkness before wordlessly departing, never to see that partner again.” Jewell then revealed that an additional 10,000 acres directly adjacent to the parkland would be set aside for perverts who like to peer in and watch that type of thing.
Coworker Who Just Threw Fit And Stormed Out Of Room Looked Like Total Badass #~# HARTFORD, CT—Noting that they had never seen such a bold and impressive show of dominance, Burkart Industries employees confirmed Monday that account analyst Ken Perlis just looked like a total badass when he threw a fit and stormed out of the room during a meeting. “He closed his laptop right in the middle of Dave’s presentation, whined for a little while that he was tired of no one listening to his ideas, and walked right out—it was the most epic thing I’ve ever seen,” said awestruck witness Jessica Gelber, adding that the complete rebel had raised his voice to such a volume during his tantrum that people could hear him through the conference room wall. “He paused in the doorway as if he was about to say something, but instead just rolled his eyes and sighed really loud. Then he slammed the door behind him—actually slammed it on the rest of us. Just a beast.” At press time, the most undeniably hardcore employee the company had ever seen was carefully composing an apology email to his supervisor.
TV Commercial For Beverage Features Woefully Reckless Pouring Technique #~# WASHINGTON—Appalled that such blatant ineptitude would be showcased on national television, consumers across the country expressed their alarm Wednesday after viewing a beverage commercial that featured a woefully reckless pouring technique. “Whoa, whoa, that guy’s got to be more careful—he could easily spill that all over the place,” said Waukesha, WI resident Beth Gleason, who along with millions of other Americans viewing the advertisement was quick to point out that the irresponsible pourer was living on the knife’s edge by carelessly dumping the beverage in a wild torrent from such a dangerously high elevation. “There’s a whole bunch of suds sliding down the side of the glass, for crying out loud! Oh, sure, now just slam the glass down onto the bar and slide it toward the camera right through the sticky puddle you just created. Jesus, what a mess.” At press time, the American populace admitted that the commercial’s atrocious serving method had done nothing to dissuade them from immediately purchasing the beverage.
Guest Given Air Mattress That Will Slowly Deflate Throughout Night #~# PIERRE, SD—Saying he couldn’t wait to spend the entire night struggling to maintain a comfortable position, houseguest Adam Weaver reportedly told his friend and host, Luke Irving, Thursday that he was happy to have been given an air mattress that would slowly deflate throughout the night. “Thanks, I’m really excited to sleep on this partially inflated air bed that will gradually lose its shape over the course of the next eight hours,” said Weaver, noting that he was eager to try in vain to get some rest as he sinks progressively deeper into the collapsing mattress. “I just know that I’m going to get up tomorrow morning with nothing but a pile of crumpled vinyl between me and the hardwood floor, feeling refreshed, physically rejuvenated, and completely alert. This is going to be a real treat.” Weaver also voiced his pleasure at receiving a throw pillow from the sofa along with his bedding that would force his neck into a strained position and leave him in physical pain throughout the following day.
NBA Players Association Calls For Increased Referee Presence In High-Foul Areas #~# NEW YORK—Noting that the rampant problem has devastated rosters across the league, representatives from the National Basketball Players Association demanded an increased referee presence in high-foul areas, sources confirmed Friday. “Something has to be done to crack down on all the foul-ridden sections of the court, and the only solution is having more referees out there to combat this issue head-on,” said NBPA executive director Michele Roberts, adding that the league must immediately position additional officials in the low post area, which has become a hotspot for personal, technical, and flagrant fouls. “We can’t let this situation get any worse than it already is. We’ve seen too many instances of power forwards and shooting guards getting hacked out there, and there are certain parts of the paint where players are too scared to even drive. It’s absolutely unacceptable.” Roberts added that the NBA needs to implement a zero-tolerance policy toward repeat offenders who are guilty of committing multiple loose-ball fouls in a single game.
Couple Threatens To Divorce If Gay Marriage Legalized #~# A couple from Canberra, Australia wrote in an editorial this week that if Parliament legalizes gay marriage, they will get a divorce because the decision will invalidate the original contract they believe they had with the state, which is that marriage is between a man and a woman. What do you think?
Tampa Bay Lightning Maintain Home Advantage By Restricting Admission To Fans Weighing 300 Pounds Or Less #~# TAMPA, FL—In an effort to limit the number of opposing Chicago Blackhawks fans attending Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals, officials from the Tampa Bay Lightning announced Friday that Amalie Arena will be restricting admission exclusively to patrons who weigh 300 pounds or less. “With the goal of maintaining a fully supportive crowd and a distinct home-ice advantage for the Lightning, we have decided to prevent the attendance of any individual medically classified as obese,” arena general manager Darryl Benge told reporters, noting that his staff has been explicitly instructed to bar the entrance of men and women wearing hockey jerseys that are size XXXL or larger. “We’re just doing everything we can to create a positive playoff atmosphere that gives our team the best chance to win, which means taking steps to ensure that our players aren’t bombarded with husky, constrained boos in between belabored breaths and gulps of Pepsi.” Benge added that any spectators who visit the concession stands and attempt to purchase more than four orders of nachos will be immediately removed by stadium security.
North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s #~# NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed. “At this moment, in every corner of the country, children are setting out from their normal wintering grounds en route to their dad’s place,” said Duke University anthropologist Robert Benson, explaining how these youths follow the same interstate routes they travel every year to the region of the country containing their fathers’ townhouses, where they will make a temporary home for themselves among their specially arranged twin beds and pull-out sofas for the remainder of the summer months. “While the journey is not easy, and often leads the children to conditions that are far less hospitable than those they enjoy during the rest of the year, this is simply a natural rite these boys and girls must endure every summer. Until they turn 18, at least.” According to Benson, once autumn arrives, the North American children will follow the same migratory pattern back to the relative bounty of their maternal homelands, where they generally have better options for feeding and more of their fellow juveniles to socialize among.
Billionaire: I Was Happier When I Made $12 A Month #~# Jack Ma, the founder of the Chinese ecommerce company Alibaba, who is reportedly worth $25 billion, reportedly told attendees at a luncheon that he was happiest when he was making $12 a month teaching college English. What do you think?
Embarrassed Snake Can’t Believe Documentary Crew Caught It Whiffing While Lunging At Toad #~# LENOX, GA—Cringing at the thought of the embarrassing blunder being forever preserved on film, a local garter snake was reportedly humiliated Friday after a documentary crew caught footage of it completely whiffing while lunging at a toad. “Dammit, I almost never miss, but of course as soon as the cameras are rolling I totally botch it,” said the snake, bemoaning the fact that its rare misfire would now likely be seen by millions of people worldwide and possibly played multiple times in slow motion. “I bet when that thing airs they won’t even bother to mention the hundreds of other toads I’ve snagged throughout my lifetime. The other day, I plucked a mouse right off a log. Where were those cameras then?” At press time, the predatory reptile reportedly expressed additional frustration when the documentary crew managed to record it striking out big time with a female garter snake.
Man Forced To Come Up With 45 Seconds Of Facial Expressions While Waitress Lists Off Specials #~# CHICAGO—Racking his brain to come up with what he felt were the most natural and appropriate reactions, local man Jeff Stadler was reportedly forced to come up with 45 seconds’ worth of varied facial expressions Friday as his server at Superior Seafood Grill listed off the restaurant’s daily specials. “We have a seared yellowfin tuna, which is served on a bed of fresh micro greens with a wasabi vinaigrette, as well as a pappardelle pasta with salmon and roasted asparagus,” said Stadler’s waitress, while the 36-year-old financial analyst strung together a series of half-smiles, raised eyebrows, and thoughtful looks that he believed were suitable for each of the establishment’s featured entrées and sides. “And all of the specials have the option of being accompanied by a garden salad or the soup du jour, which is a lobster bisque.” At press time, sources confirmed that a depleted Stadler could only come up with a furrowed brow and a slight nod of his head when his waitress launched into an additional 30-second description of the restaurant’s selection of artisanal cocktails.
Detective Behind Two-Way Mirror Nervously Crosses Arms As Criminal Addresses Him Directly #~# PHILADELPHIA—Bracing himself as he monitored an ongoing interrogation from behind a two-way mirror, Detective James Harpin of the Philadelphia Police Homicide Unit nervously crossed his arms as Julian Calandra, the suspect in a recent string of disappearances, slowly swiveled his chair in his direction and began addressing him directly. “Let’s dispense with the formalities, shall we?” the suspect said as he calmly clasped his hands and peered at the reflective side of the mirror, breaking into a thin smile before adding, “What, you don’t think I know you’re there?” “I respect you, Detective, I really do. You tracked me this far—not an easy task, I assure you—and now I’m finally in handcuffs, just like you always wanted. But what you’re doing won’t work. No, it won’t work at all. In fact, I’d say the game has only just begun.” At press time, Harpin had reportedly broken protocol and stormed into the investigation room after Calandra suggested that if he really wants to know where the missing women are, he should ask his very pretty daughter.
Lance Armstrong Compares Himself To Lord Voldemort #~# In an interview with The Telegraph, Lance Armstrong said that he feels like Harry Potter villain Lord Voldemort because the cycling world refuses to mention him or acknowledge he exists, saying, “[W]ho’s that character in Harry Potter they can’t talk about? Voldemort? It’s like that on every level.” What do you think?
LeBron James Clearly Expecting Cleveland-Area Deli To Give Him Free Sandwich #~# CLEVELAND—With the 11-time NBA All-Star making no move to take out his wallet after receiving his Reuben from the counter, sources at Earl’s East Side Market confirmed Thursday that Cavaliers forward LeBron James was clearly expecting the deli to give him the sandwich for free. “Thanks, guys—so, all set?” said James, who reportedly looked around at several deli employees before slowly taking a couple small steps toward the door. “Yeah…looks delicious, as always. Well, I gotta go get ready for the game tonight. Thanks again.” At press time, after another customer had gone up to the cashier to pay, James abruptly grabbed a small bag of chips and quickly walked out.
2015 Summer Festival Guide #~# Packed with hundreds of food fairs, concerts, street sales, and movie screenings, summer is the best time of the year for attending festivals across the country. Here are some top festivals to look forward to this summer in cities around the nation: 
FIFA Advises Female Players Unhappy With Turf To Spend More Time In Midair #~# ZURICH—Following widespread complaints that teams in the Women’s World Cup have been forced to play on synthetic fields, officials from FIFA held a press conference Thursday advising players unhappy with the turf to spend more time in midair. “In light of recent concerns, we are encouraging all players unsatisfied with the current field conditions to remain suspended in the air for as long as possible during matches,” said FIFA secretary general Jerome Valcke, adding that players can minimize the higher risk of injury associated with artificial turf by keeping their bodies at least six inches above the rubber-based field during jumping headers or scissor kicks. “Anyone worried about severe bruising or painful skin abrasions should consider continuously leaping throughout all 90 minutes of a game in order to avoid too much direct contact with the playing surface. And while the turf does reach temperatures of 120 degrees Fahrenheit, the air above it is at least 20 to 30 degrees cooler, which is a perfectly suitable and reasonable alternative.” Valcke then quickly assured reporters that all men’s teams at the 2018 World Cup in Russia will play on perfectly manicured grass fields of the highest quality.
Man Treats Mother To Detail About His Personal Life #~# ELKHART, IN—Saying that he likes to indulge her every once in a while, local man Wayne Timmons, 28, reportedly treated his mother to a small detail about his personal life during a phone conversation Thursday. “I was talking with my mom earlier, and I figured I’d make her day by sharing a single piece of private information that genuinely reflects something that’s going on in my life,” said Timmons, referring to a phone call in which he decided to give his mother a little thrill by briefly mentioning that he had recently met a woman at a colleague’s party and that he was considering inviting her out on a date. “I even told her this girl’s name before going back to flatly stating that work’s going fine, and that just about put her on cloud nine. It had been a while since I actually offered her anything other than the most general descriptions of my life, so the way I see it, she’d earned a little peek into the things I actually think about and feel.” After his spontaneous act of generosity reportedly elicited a series of probing follow-up questions into his recent dating prospects, Timmons decided that he would not be revealing any further non-superficial personal information to his mother for a minimum of six months.
Struggling Justice Alito Sent Down To Lower Federal Court #~# WASHINGTON—Following weeks of declining performance within the nation’s highest judicial body, the Supreme Court announced Thursday that it has sent a struggling Associate Justice Samuel Alito down to a lower federal court. “Sammy’s been a little cold with his dissenting opinions lately, so we’ve assigned him to a minor appellate jurisdiction until he can better contribute to this court,” Chief Justice John Roberts told reporters, confirming that Alito had been removed from the Supreme Court’s nine-person roster and appointed to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Eleventh Circuit. “Obviously, Sammy is a veteran legal scholar who has played a deciding role in several high-profile cases, but until he regains his stroke, we need to go with someone who can best interpret statutory law as set out by the U.S. Constitution. But we’re confident that he only needs to author a few decisions in some lower-pressure situations before he’s ready to return.” Roberts added that Alito’s spot on the court would be filled by recently called-up jurist prospect Ricardo Gonzalez, a 71-year-old constructionist from the U.S. District Court for Puerto Rico.
Kellogg’s Launching ‘Netflix For Snacks’ Subscription Service #~# Kellogg’s has announced that it will launch a new mail subscription service that will deliver customized boxes of healthy snacks to people at home or at work. What do you think?
Report: San Francisco To Shut Doors Over Rising Rent #~# Popular Bay Area City Seeking New Location
Rick Santorum Slightly Embarrassed For Man Introducing Him As Next President Of United States #~# COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—Wincing at the declaration as he stood backstage at a campaign rally Thursday, former Republican senator Rick Santorum admitted that he was slightly embarrassed for the man who had just introduced him as the next president of the United States. “Oh, God, did I just hear that right?” Santorum reportedly said, later adding that he was okay with being described as a “true American” and a “man who deeply loves this country,” but that it would have been better if the description had just stopped there. “It’d be one thing if he said it to me in private, but this was in front of, like, 300 people, not to mention the dozen or so TV crews that got it on tape. This is so humiliating.” Santorum reportedly grew even more mortified while walking out onstage as the audio tech cued up “Hail To The Chief.”
Area Man Just In Bad Mood Because He’s Tired And An Awful Human Being #~# LUBBOCK, TX—Offering up an apology moments after snapping at a coworker Tuesday, local claims adjuster Ryan Tuttle reportedly explained to his colleague that he’s just in a bad mood because he didn’t get enough sleep the night before and he’s a generally terrible human being. “I didn’t mean to get so frustrated with you in that meeting—to be honest, I’m just really drowsy and innately insufferable,” said Tuttle to his slighted coworker, adding that he tends to lash out when he hasn’t slept well or even briefly considered the feelings of those around him. “Look, you know I wouldn’t have yelled at you if I had been endowed with the slightest bit of empathy and got a full night of sleep. We’ve all been there, right? Sometimes exhaustion and being a fundamentally despicable individual at heart just brings out the worst in me.” At press time, Tuttle was heard mentioning that he needed some caffeine to boost his energy and to get back to his regular level of detestability.
Hotshot Product Talking Big Game About Being Good For Consumer #~# BOSTON—Having made some pretty bold claims concerning the product’s effectiveness and overall value, hotshot marketing app TargetDemo is talking a big game about being good for its small-business customer base, sources confirmed Tuesday. “This high and mighty product sure has a lot of nerve to claim that it can streamline data collection and improve communication with customers,” local woman Michelle Carson said upon reading the incredibly cocky description on the TargetDemo website, noting that she would only believe the app’s similarly audacious claims about its ability to enhance profitability “when [she sees] it for [herself].” “On top of that, this big shot product apparently expects us to believe that not only does it provide 24-hour customer service and a user-friendly interface, but that it can also increase workforce productivity by 15 to 25 percent. That’s a lot of big talk right there, buddy—they must have brass balls like you wouldn’t believe.” At press time, a visibly embarrassed and chastened Carson was eagerly uploading the app herself after trying the product and discovering TargetDemo actually fulfilled upon their claims. Carson had no comment.
Study Finds Humans’ Greatest Swing In Mood Occurs Between Leaving Office For Lunch, Returning Afterwards #~# WASHINGTON—Offering insight into the extreme fluctuations in humans’ emotional state, a study published Friday by the American Psychological Association finds that the most severe mood shifts tend to occur between the point in time at which individuals leave their workplace for lunch and the point at which they are compelled to return afterwards. “According to our research, there is no greater mood swing than that experienced by an employee who had exited his office in anticipation of sitting down to a pleasant Honey BBQ Chicken Salad, and who now must trudge back to his desk and resume working for four or more hours,” said lead researcher Amanda Gibbons, pointing to data comparing the peak concentration of serotonin in an employee’s brain when he steps foot in the direction of a nearby Buffalo Wild Wings or sub shop and the drastically reduced levels of these neurotransmitters recorded when he walks back through his workplace’s lobby and resumes staring at his computer screen. “Additionally, we found that this vast gulf in mood only intensifies when a worker orders a Game Changer Ale with his meal and then returns to work to find that he has received upwards of 10 new work emails since he began his lunch break.” Gibbons added that this drastic change in mood was only rivaled by the variance recorded across the 30- or 60-minute period between an individual excitedly sitting down to watch a new episode of his favorite television show and the subsequent depression experienced upon the program’s conclusion.
Report: 87% Of Americans Unaware They Have Been Chosen In Later Rounds Of MLB Draft #~# IOWA CITY, IA—According to a report released Wednesday by the University of Iowa, 87 percent of Americans are currently unaware that they have been selected in the later rounds of the 2015 Major League Baseball Draft. “Our survey indicates that over 270 million Americans are totally oblivious to the fact that they’ve been picked between the 20th and 40th rounds of this year’s MLB Draft and are now eligible to negotiate minor-league contracts,” said study author Angelo Crawford, explaining that over four-fifths of the U.S. populace, many of whom never played baseball past Little League, have no idea that their names were recently displayed on the MLB.com live draft tracker as their selections were analyzed by numerous baseball writers and sports bloggers. “For example, several hundred thousand Americans are now part of the Baltimore Orioles organization and have been assigned to the Single-A Delmarva Shorebirds over in Maryland—they just don’t know it.” At press time, over 7 million Americans were ignoring a phone call from an unknown number belonging to Oakland Athletics general manager Billy Beane.
World Begins Another Day At Mercy Of 19-Year-Old Estonian Hacker #~# TALLINN, ESTONIA—With the private data of national governments and entire global industries at his fingertips, sources confirmed this morning that yet another day had begun with the whole world helplessly at the mercy of 19-year-old Estonian computer hacker Jüri Pevkur.
Artificial Turf At Women’s World Cup Seen As Gender Discrimination #~# Organizers of the Women’s World Cup in Canada have come under fire for their decision to have games played on artificial turf, which critics say is a form of gender discrimination since men’s World Cup matches are on grass and turf is much harder to play on. What do you think?
Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday. “With our new styling gels, consumers can finally get the look they truly want for their lips, gums, and tongue,” said company spokeswoman Colleen Winslow, adding that, by applying just a dime-sized drop of one of the original, cool mint, or fresh citrus antiseptic creams to their hard palates, users can then shape their mouths into any style they choose, from a professional groomed look to a more tousled “just woke up” appearance. “Working in a small dab for a dry, matte mouth will always be a popular style, but users can also apply it right after their shower to get a tongue and gum line with a nice glistening sheen. Of course, with such great hold, you can really massage it in and achieve a thick, sculpted mouth that’s guaranteed to last all day.” Winslow added that Listerine is also currently developing a line of tooth-volumizing products for consumers who are self-conscious about losing their teeth.
New Law Determines Bullets No Longer Responsibility Of Owner Once Fired From Gun #~# PHOENIX—In an attempt to clarify the rights and obligations of those possessing firearms, the Arizona State Legislature approved a new law Wednesday declaring that a gun owner ceases to be responsible for a bullet once it has been fired from a weapon. “It simply makes no sense to hold people accountable for a round of ammunition that is no longer inside their gun, and this legislation clears this up once and for all,” said bill co-sponsor Sen. Steve Smith (R-Maricopa), observing that no one can reasonably expect an individual to exert control over a bullet or a bullet’s ultimate whereabouts once it has exited a gun’s barrel. “How can you be liable for a projectile that may be lodged as far as 5,000 feet away from where you’re standing? That’s ridiculous. Now, if we’re talking about ammunition that’s in the chamber of a gun you’re holding, or in your holster, or in a bandolier worn around the shoulder, then yes, it is still the carrier’s responsibility. But it’s unfair to penalize citizens for bullets that are not in their possession anymore.” Smith went on to state that as soon as a round enters someone’s thoracic cavity, that person immediately takes possession of the bullet and must assume full responsibility for it.
Seattle Installing Ping-Pong Tables In Public Parks To Deter Crime #~# The city of Seattle has pledged to install family-friendly ping-pong tables in public spaces to combat the perception that parks are unsafe and to reduce criminal acts like drug dealing, theft, and prostitution. What do you think?
Strongside/Weakside: Matthew Dellavedova #~# Cleveland Cavaliers backup point guard Matthew Dellavedova received high praise after shutting down reigning MVP Steph Curry in Game 2 of the NBA Finals. Is he any good?
Report: Most For-Profit Colleges Started In Effort To Pay Off Own Student Debt #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that it was one of the most lucrative options available, a report published Tuesday by the National Education Association found that most for-profit colleges were started by people in an effort to pay off their own student debt. “Many individuals who find themselves struggling to keep up with their loan payments soon discover that opening a private, revenue-driven institution of higher education is one of the fastest and most reliable ways to stay afloat,” said NEA analyst Danielle Austin, adding that many desperate borrowers had no choice but to develop a website, assemble a rudimentary curriculum, and implement an online payment system to keep from defaulting. “For-profit colleges generally earn so much money that founding one can help someone pay off the entirety of a burdensome loan in its very first semester.” Austin went on to say that some students established a second for-profit college franchise to help pay off their postgraduate studies.
Experts Say Best Option Now Is Keeping Nation As Comfortable As Possible Till End #~# WASHINGTON—Saying there were no other options remaining and that continued intervention would only prolong the nation’s suffering, experts concluded Tuesday that the best course of action is to keep the United States as comfortable as possible until the end.
College Board Under Fire For SAT Printing Error #~# Parents of high school students who took the SAT exam on June 6 are blasting the College Board for a printing error that made students believe they had five extra minutes on a section when exam proctors cut them off at the correct time. What do you think?
FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end. “After conducting numerous trials on hundreds of female subjects with low sex drives, we determined that this man significantly increased sexual interest among women of all ages,” said FDA representative Jane Newlon, who noted that using the 75kg man, known as Gabriel, every day had been shown to activate the regions of the brain associated with pleasure, increase blood flow to the genitals, and boost instances of orgasm by almost 40 percent. “We observed a sharp rise in libido immediately after the man is introduced, with stimulative effects lasting for up to four hours at a time. In a marketplace dominated by male-libido-enhancing products, it is a significant milestone to finally have a safe, effective option for women who want to increase their arousal, and that is exactly what this man offers.” Newlon went on to warn consumers that when mixed with alcohol, the man becomes much less effective.
Amazon Quietly Pulls ISIS Magazine From Site #~# Two weeks after volumes of the ISIS-run English-language propaganda magazine Dabiq appeared on its website for sale, Amazon.com has quietly pulled all copies of the publication, which featured articles related to Islamic law and holy war. What do you think?
Idiot Zoo Animal With Zero Predators Still Protective Of Young #~# SAN DIEGO—Dimwittedly refusing to let her offspring venture more than a few feet away from her, an idiot gazelle at the San Diego Zoo was reportedly still protective of her young Tuesday despite facing absolutely no predators. “The closest actual threat is thousands of miles away, but this dummy honestly thinks she has to guard her babies—what a stupid moron,” said zoo visitor Doug Lamberton, noting how the empty-headed dolt of a mother nudged her three fawns closer together, hovering over them in a remote corner of her enclosure even though the only nearby beasts of prey were under lock and key in entirely different parts of the zoo. “Hey, dumbass—you’re surrounded by a 10-foot fence and this huge moat. Oh, and newsflash: You’re nowhere near the African savanna. You think some cheetah’s gonna charge in out of nowhere and eat your young? Talk about shit for brains.” At press time, sources reported the monumental dipshit was displaying instinctive courtship behaviors even though the zoo no longer has any male gazelles.
Neighbor Still Has Tree Standing In Yard Weeks After Arbor Day #~# WATERBURY, CT—Saying it’s become a bit of an eyesore in the neighborhood, Waterbury residents noted Tuesday that local woman Jackie McAllister still has a tree standing in her yard weeks after Arbor Day. “God, Arbor Day was more than a month ago and that thing’s still out there for everyone to see—that’s just embarrassing,” said McAllister’s neighbor Brendan Pryor, noting that the lazy woman had failed to dispose of the oak tree in her front yard within a reasonable one- to two-week window following the April 24th holiday. “Sure, it’s nice to get in the spirit with a tree for Arbor Day, but come on, it’s June now. At this point, I’m beginning to wonder if she’s just going to leave the thing up for the whole year.” Pryor went on to express relief that at least McAllister wasn’t the type of person to go completely overboard by putting all sorts of gaudy trees and shrubbery all over her yard every April.
Spring Awakening #~# Behold, Jeanketeers: You are looking at a tanned, rested, and refreshed Jean Teasdale! (Okay, maybe not “tanned,” technically. Sunstroke does run in my family and I take every precaution.) In case you haven’t already guessed, I’m thrilled to announce that I am back from my six-month suspension! And I am definitely a wiser and chastened person.
Keeping Your Possessions Safe While Traveling #~# Traveling during the summer can be fun and exhilarating, but nothing ruins a trip like getting your possessions stolen. Whether you’re hiking, road-tripping, or relaxing at a resort, here are some tips for making sure your items are safe during your travels:
‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Shocked After Some Little Goblin Or Something Killed Off In Last Night’s Episode #~# NEW YORK—Saying the series’s latest dramatic turn caught them completely off guard, fans of the HBO series Game Of Thrones reacted with shock to Sunday night’s episode in which some little goblin or something was killed off. “Man, I knew they had some big surprises in store, but to kill off that enchanted hobgoblin or mage or whatever? That was insane,” viewer Adam Koskei said of the episode’s unexpected climax, which not only featured the death of some sort of little warlock-type character, but also included a major secondary plot twist in which the centaur Stonebane Darkwind or maybe Kyrus Valorheart finally cast an ancient spell or something to that effect. “And it was so crazy how he was killed with that cursed rune or a fire-axe or a similar thing in that vein! I thought for sure he was going to get that chair, but now it seems like the Grand King or Magic Duke or whoever will get it instead.” The show’s fans added that they could barely wait to see whether the dragon-riders could protect the castle from the gorgons or whatever-the-fuck in next week’s season finale.
Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win #~# ‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says
Triple Crown Won For First Time In 37 Years #~# Nearly four decades after Affirmed won the Triple Crown in 1978, a 3-year-old colt named American Pharoah won the Belmont Stakes on Saturday to become the 12th horse in history to sweep thoroughbred horse racing’s top three events. What do you think?
Area Woman Not A Morning, Afternoon, Or Night Person #~# NEW YORK—Stating that everyone’s different and this is just how she’s always been, local woman Andrea Harris told reporters Thursday that she is not much of a morning, afternoon, or night person. “I know that some people can just start their morning with a big burst of energy and get so much done before noon, but other people start off slow and don’t really hit their stride until later in the day—I’m definitely in neither of those categories,” said Harris, adding that she tended to be her most proactive, productive self at no point throughout the day. “My husband is a real night owl, but I just feel so exhausted by the end of the day that I fall right to sleep. Then in the morning I’m nowhere near refreshed and ready to start my day. It’s like I always say to my husband: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning caffeine, and then continue not to speak with me the rest of the day.” Harris added that with a huge project coming up at work, she would need to pull an all-dayer.
Study Finds No Actual Benefit To Eating Placenta #~# Despite a growing number of supporters who believe the practice may improve a new mother’s mood, provide nutrition, and give her more energy, a recent study has found that there are no clear benefits for mothers who eat the placenta after their baby’s birth. What do you think?
Excited African Safari Tourists Quietly Marvel As Poacher Stalks Prey #~# KRUGER NATIONAL PARK, SOUTH AFRICA—Falling into dead silence as their guide spotted movement behind a cluster of baobab trees, a group of tourists on safari in South Africa reportedly marveled at the sight of a poacher slowly and methodically stalking his prey Monday. “Wow, this is incredible—I can’t believe this is happening right in front of me!” whispered stunned tourist Paul McAuliffe, who watched in awe as the hardened killer quietly circled an unsuspecting rhinoceros, instinctively raised his .458 Winchester-Magnum rifle, and then, in an instant, set upon his quarry with point-blank gunfire. “To actually get to witness something like this is so profound and powerful. But I guess that’s just part of the normal circle of life around here.” Though many members of the group admitted they had to look away when they heard the rhino’s final death bellows, they said that watching the man and several other poachers use chainsaws to cut off its horn was “an experience [they’d] never forget.”
Automakers Ask Nation If It Still Wants That Handle Above Car Windows #~# NEW YORK—Emphasizing that it was no trouble to either keep them or do away with them entirely, the world’s automakers assembled Monday to ask the public if it still wanted that little handle above their car windows. “We’ve been putting these interior handles over your car windows for the past 50 years or so, and we just wanted to check to see if you’d like us to continue doing that,” said General Motors CEO Mary Barra, who appeared alongside the heads of major auto manufacturers such as Toyota, Ford, and Hyundai-Kia and stressed that while they personally thought the handles were a nice feature, it would not be a problem at all to discontinue them in future models. “People generally use them for hanging dry cleaning or grabbing during a sharp turn, but maybe you’d be perfectly happy without them. That’s fine with us. Just let us know what works for you, one way or the other.” Barra also emphasized that in the event the handles were eliminated, they could easily be reinstalled if the public really missed them.
Man Needs Emotional Support Only A Woman Can Feign #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Saying that an insincere feminine touch would do him a world of good, sources confirmed Monday that local man Jeff Cooper needs the type of emotional support only a woman can feign. “I’ve tried to be there to manufacture support and understanding for Jeff, but there’s only so much sympathy a regular friend can fake—he needs the convincing facade of tenderness and compassion of someone special,” said the 44-year-old’s longtime friend Peter Shaw, adding that, while he is always there to pretend to listen to Cooper, it simply isn’t the same as a woman’s fabricated affection. “He could really use the plausible facsimile of care and understanding of a woman to help get him back up on his feet. I think it would really pick him up.” Shaw added that seeing his friend in such a state makes him all the more thankful for the illusion of warmth and love he goes home to every night.
Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus #~# Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
Barbie Now Able To Wear Flats #~# Mattel has announced that after 56 years of only being able to wear pumps, Barbie dolls in the company’s new “Barbie Fashionistas” line will now feature adjustable ankles that allow them to wear flats as well as high heels. What do you think?
Report Finds Drug Tunnels Most Intact Transport Infrastructure In U.S. #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Touting the extensive safety precautions, routine maintenance, and limited congestion, a report published Friday by the American Transportation Research Institute revealed that drug tunnels are now the most intact and reliable form of transport infrastructure in the United States. “The nation’s drug-smuggling tunnels have benefited from large-scale investments in new technology, high-quality materials, and regular repairs, leaving them in far better condition than U.S. railways, ports, bridges, and interstates,” the report read in part, which praised the state-of-the-art rail systems in many tunnels for efficiently ferrying narcotics with few, if any, malfunctions. “With advanced ventilation systems to keep fresh air circulating and well-lit passages to prevent accidents, these tunnels are a modern engineering feat, the likes of which are virtually unseen elsewhere in the U.S. transit network.” The report concluded by noting that, with scores of new construction projects underway, U.S. drug tunnels are also the fastest-growing transport infrastructure in the country.
Report: More U.S. Families Living With Multiple Generations Of Xbox Under One Roof #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the trend a reflection of the nation’s changing social and economic landscape, a report released Friday by the Pew Research Center confirmed that more U.S. families are living with multiple generations of Xbox under one roof. “According to our survey data, over the past decade we have seen a dramatic rise in the number of American households that contain two or even three generations of consoles,” said the report’s author, Sean Corfield, adding that, in many cases, citizens reported that their Xbox, Xbox 360, and Xbox One all share the same room. “The vast majority of Americans we surveyed described feeling an obligation to continue caring for their older consoles as they age, even as they continue to welcome new generations into their homes. At the same time, more Americans are also finding themselves trying to free space in their basement after their Xbox 360 returns home from college.” While Corfield acknowledged that it might be difficult finding enough television inputs to go around, an overwhelming number of survey respondents said that having an extra Xbox in their home was enormously helpful when it comes to raising their kids.
Tanned, Exquisitely Coiffed Bernie Sanders Tells Supporters Corporations Actually Have A Lot To Offer #~# DAVENPORT, IA—Expounding upon the many ways in which they’ve positively impacted the country at large, a tanned and impeccably coiffed Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) reportedly informed supporters gathered at a campaign stop Thursday that corporations actually have a tremendous amount to offer the American people. “Businesses both large and small play a vital role in our society, creating good jobs and pumping billions back into the economy, and corporations are just the largest and most successful of these businesses—and certainly we shouldn’t punish success,” said the presidential hopeful, adjusting the alligator-skin band on his diamond-encrusted Bulgari watch as he elaborated on the ways in which publicly held companies in the financial, telecommunications, and oil and gas sectors have spurred growth and development in communities across the country. “And when you think about it, these companies aren’t just some faceless entities—they’re our neighbors, our family members, and our friends, all working together to make America the truly great nation it is.” At press time, Sanders could be seen smiling and waving from the stairs leading up to a brand-new Gulfstream personal jet before heading off to a private fundraiser at Sheldon Adelson’s estate.
Economists Warn New Graduates May Have To Tough It Out For 5 To 6 Weeks Before Landing Dream Job #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Acknowledging that employment prospects for young Americans remain bleak, a report released Thursday by the National Bureau of Economic Research warns recent college graduates they may have to tough it out for up to six weeks before landing their dream job. “It is important for college graduates to realize that, in this tough economic climate, you may endure a month, possibly a month and a half, of sending out résumés before you secure the perfect job in the field of your choosing that exceeds even your wildest expectations,” said Dr. Kyle Ferguson, author of the report, adding that students should prepare themselves now for the possibility they may spend up to half the summer grinding it out in search of a deeply fulfilling position that satisfies every single one of their criteria. “It’ll definitely take multiple rounds of applications, and you may even have to settle and work at your second- or third-most ideal option during the month of June. However, if you keep your head up and stick with it, the data suggest that you will receive an employment offer for the position you have always longed for well before Labor Day weekend.” Ferguson added that, given currently stagnant wage growth, recent graduates should be willing to accept a salary at 90 to 95 percent of what they feel they deserve.
Woman Only Willing To Learn New Things In Settings Called Boot Camp #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Noting how she refuses to take the initiative to engage in unfamiliar activities or expand her horizons in any other context, sources reported Friday that local woman Margot Davis is only willing to learn new things in settings called “boot camp.” “I just did this great one, Pasta-Making Boot Camp; we learned all about different types of pasta for a day and got to eat the pasta we made at the end of the class,” said Davis, who mentioned that she had also recently completed Crocheting Boot Camp and Résumé-Writing Boot Camp, and that she was looking forward to the upcoming Pie and Tart Boot Camp, each of which, sources confirmed, offered the one and only type of environment in which the 27-year-old would ever endeavor to gain new abilities. “After all that pasta, I definitely needed to sign up for the week-long Core Training Boot Camp at my gym. They really work you hard, but it was just what I was looking for.” At press time, Davis had politely declined an invitation from a friend to attend a weekly 12-session pottery course at a local studio, saying that it just didn’t sound like it was for her.
Baseball Fan Attempting To Visit Each MLB Player’s Home In One Season #~# SAGINAW, MI—In a journey that will take him thousands of miles across the country, local baseball fan Patrick Lund, 32, revealed to reporters Friday that he is currently attempting to visit the home of every Major League Baseball player in a single season. “Ever since I was a little kid, I had a goal to step foot inside the personal property of each player in the majors, and this year I decided to just go on a road trip to all 750 houses in the same season,” said Lund, adding that after arriving at a player’s private residence, he always eats a hot dog and takes a picture of himself standing next to the front door. “So far, I’ve ticked off Adrian Gonzalez, David Price, Bryce Harper, Jose Altuve, Eric Hosmer, Clayton Kershaw, Matt Carpenter, and Nelson Cruz, but I’m sure I can get to all of them before October rolls around. I’ve always wanted to see the ivy leaves in James Shields’ backyard, so I’m really excited to go there next.” Lund added that while many of the homes he has already visited were incredibly beautiful, the dilapidated one-bedroom apartment of Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher A.J. Burnett was by far the worst.
Walmart Allowing Employees To Wear Denim To Raise Spirits #~# In an effort to raise the spirits of employees who have made complaints about low pay and the lack of flexible hours, Walmart has announced it will relax its dress code to allow employees to wear black or blue denim in addition to black or blue khakis. What do you think?
Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers #~# The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
Excited, Nervous J.R. Smith Unable To Sleep Through David Blatt’s Pregame Speech #~# OAKLAND, CA—Saying that he had so much pent-up energy that he would likely remain wide awake until tip-off, Cleveland Cavaliers shooting guard J.R. Smith told reporters Thursday that he was far too excited and nervous before Game 1 of the NBA Finals to sleep through head coach David Blatt’s locker room speech. “I can usually doze off around now without any problem, but tonight is such a big game that I’ll probably be up the whole time Coach is speaking,” said Smith, adding that he was the only Cavs player who was still awake while Blatt reiterated the team’s defensive strategy for stopping Stephen Curry. “I’ve tried everything—earplugs, counting backwards from 100, even listening to some ambient music—but I’m still just here with my eyes wide open staring at Coach talking about giving our all to bring a championship to Cleveland. By the time I do finally fall asleep, it’ll probably be game time anyway.” Smith expressed some relief, however, when acknowledging that he will at least be able to catch up on some sleep during Blatt’s halftime team talk.
Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday. “It’s a really nice place, so I figured I should put on my best,” said Finnegan, who reportedly seemed to think he had made clothing and grooming choices that will be regarded as appropriate for the semi-formal occasion. “I don’t have to wear a tuxedo or anything, but at a place like this, you can’t just show up in the usual.” At press time, Finnegan appeared to believe that he may have even overdressed.
Candidate Profile: Rick Perry #~# Former Texas governor Rick Perry announced Thursday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, hoping to fare better than he did in his unsuccessful bid for the Republican nomination in 2012. Here’s what you need to know about Perry: 
Cameron Crowe Apologizes For Casting Emma Stone As Multiracial Character In ‘Aloha’ #~# Filmmaker Cameron Crowe has apologized to critics of his new film, Aloha, who chastised him for casting white actress Emma Stone as a character named Allison Ng, who is meant to be one quarter native Hawaiian and one quarter Chinese. What do you think?
Nation’s Dogs Vow To Keep Their Shit Together During 4th Of July Fireworks #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting that their behavior in previous years had left them embarrassed and ashamed, the nation’s dogs announced Thursday that they intend on keeping their shit together during this year’s Fourth of July fireworks displays. “Though we recognize we have not always demonstrated the most poise and self-control on this particular holiday, we want to assure everyone that this will finally be the year we don’t completely lose it and freak out upon hearing the booming of distant fireworks,” said Duchess, a 6-year-old cocker spaniel, adding that the country’s 80 million dogs aim to avoid cowering under the coffee table or uncontrollably urinating on the kitchen floor in a moment of pure panic after neighbors light off firecrackers or bottle rockets. “We’ve been preparing for the past few months, and we think we’ll finally be able to maintain our composure this time around. We can’t promise that we won’t whimper a little or try to jump up and sit next to you on the couch, but we’re definitely not going to sprint in circles around the living room or howl continuously until the noises stop.” The nation’s dogs concluded by acknowledging they could not guarantee that they won’t go completely apeshit the next time the doorbell rings.
New Claritin Flamethrower Incinerates Whatever Causing Allergies #~# WHIPPANY, NJ—Touting the product’s ability to combat common seasonal and year-round allergens, pharmaceutical manufacturer Bayer introduced Wednesday its new Claritin flamethrower capable of incinerating whatever is causing one’s allergies. “Our new flamethrower is proven to be effective at relieving itchy eyes, sneezing, and congestion by quickly and efficiently reducing dust mites, pollen, and other allergy-causing agents to smoldering ashes,” said company spokesperson Elaine Ferguson, adding that the product is available in either a regular 25-foot or an Extra Strength 50-foot jet of fire—ideal for eliminating ragweed, trees, grasses, and entire mold-ridden homes. “With this over-the-counter treatment, you can simply look at the latest allergy forecast, strap on the Claritin fuel pack, and wipe out allergy-inducing plants and pets without a hint of drowsiness.” Due to potential side effects, Ferguson cautioned that the Claritin flamethrower should never be combined with alcohol.
Report: Asian Ivy League Applicants Coached To Be ‘Less Asian’ #~# According to a profile in the Boston Globe, many consulting businesses catering to Asian-American students applying to Ivy League colleges coach them to appear “less Asian” on their applications so they can distinguish themselves from other high-achieving Asian-American candidates. What do you think?
Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning #~# The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
Study: Chimps Have The Mental Ability To Cook Food #~# A new study has found that chimps have the mental ability to cook food, though they are unable to because they can’t light fires. What do you think?
Swedish Fathers Likely To Get 3 Months Paid Paternity Leave #~# The Swedish government has submitted a new proposal to extend paid paternity leave for fathers from two to three months, about equal to the 14 weeks provided to mothers, while the U.S. remains last among OECD member countries in offering government-supported time off for new parents. What do you think?
Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People #~# MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him. “Given how many times in the past month I’ve showed up to work on two hours of sleep and just stared at my computer in total silence, I’d kind of expected someone to ask me if everything’s all right at home or at least tell me I look tired lately, but so far I haven’t heard a thing,” said Uhler, adding that he thought the frequency with which he places his face in his hands and mutters morosely to himself would have been a clear indication that he was completely unraveling and prompted somebody at some point to stop by his cubicle. “I was sure when our HR manager asked me to speak with her last week it would be to discuss why I constantly look like I’m on the verge of tears during meetings, but it turns out she just wanted to explain changes to our 401K plan. I feel like my entire life is collapsing and I can barely stay afloat, but every email I get from coworkers is just about jumping on a client call or finishing up my monthly reports.” When reached for comment, Uhler’s colleagues confirmed they had noticed his breakdown weeks ago but simply didn’t give a shit.
New Montana Tourism Campaign Marketed Toward Urban Bison #~# HELENA, MT—Promising unspoiled nature and a relaxing escape from the hectic rigors of city life, a new Montana tourism advertising campaign that debuted this week is reportedly marketed toward urban bison. “We want Montana to be the only destination a bison thinks of when they need to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city,” Montana Office of Tourism head Brian Kinnard said of the $5 million campaign, which consists of billboards and advertisements placed in subways and bus stops in Chicago, New York, Seattle, and Washington, D.C. in order to reach city-dwelling bison. “Montana offers expansive views, fresh local food, and gorgeous national parks where bison can reconnect with nature and spend quality time with family or friends.” Kinnard told reporters that most bison visiting Montana would probably never want to go back to the city after getting out into the open and realizing they could look around in any direction and not see a single person.
Man At Party Comes Crawling Back To Conversation He Thought He Could Do Better Than #~# SOMERVILLE, MA—Awkwardly reengaging with the small cluster of people in the corner of his coworker’s living room, party guest David Kirsch reportedly came crawling right back to a conversation he thought he could do better than, sources confirmed over the weekend. “Hey, so I just remembered that I actually had seen Beyond Thunderdome a long time ago, but that’s the only one of the old Mad Max films I’ve watched,” said the humiliated Kirsch, who reportedly circled back to the discussion about Mad Max: Fury Road and other current movies a mere five minutes after extricating himself from the group in search of a more stimulating exchange. “I should check out the others, but I don’t know how they’re gonna top Fury Road.” According to sources, Kirsch attempted to finish his drink as quickly as possible in order to have an excuse to detach himself from the conversation a second time.
New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In #~# MOUNT STERLING, KY—Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.
Caitlyn Jenner Receives Praise From Obama Twitter Account #~# After Olympic champion Caitlyn Jenner publicly appeared as a transgender woman for the first time on the cover of the new issue of Vanity Fair, President Obama’s Twitter account tweeted words of praise, saying “It takes courage to share your story” and “Your story matters in the fight for LGBT rights.” What do you think?
2015 Wedding Trends #~# As the 2015 wedding season gets underway, couples across the country are spending more money than ever to make their ceremonies memorable and fun. Here are the most popular trends you can expect to see at weddings this year:
TSA Agents To Now Simply Stand At Checkpoints And Remind Passengers That We All Die Someday #~# ARLINGTON, VA— Following the release of a report indicating that the agency failed 95 percent of security tests, the Transportation Security Administration announced Tuesday that agents will now simply stand at airport checkpoints and remind all passengers that everybody will eventually die someday. “As part of our new security protocol, TSA agents at every checkpoint will carefully inform each passenger that life is a temporary state and that no man can escape the fate that awaits us all,” said acting TSA administrator Mark Hatfield, adding that under the new guidelines, agents will ensure that passengers fully understand and accept the inevitability of death as they proceed through the boarding pass check, luggage screening, and body scanner machines. “Signs posted throughout the queues will also state that death is unpredictable but guaranteed, and a series of looping PA messages will reiterate to passengers that, even if they survive this flight, they could still easily die in 10 years or even tomorrow.” Hatfield went on to say that the TSA plans to add a precheck program that will expedite the process for passengers the agency deems comfortable with the ephemeral nature of life.
Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.
When You Drive A Taxi, You See All Kinds Of Fares #~# I love being a cabbie. A lot of jobs are pretty much the same thing day in, day out, but in my line of work, every day brings something new. I’ve been in the business more than 20 years now, and I can tell you from experience that no two shifts are alike. What keeps it interesting? Well, when you drive a taxi for a living, you see all different types of fares.
‘FIFA 16’ To Add Female Soccer Players #~# In a move that has been praised as a step forward in giving female athletes the same recognition as their male counterparts, the video game studio Electronic Arts announced that it will feature 12 women’s national soccer teams in FIFA 16, this year’s version of the popular soccer video game series. What do you think?
Hospital Gift Shop Figures It Can Soak ’Em For 30 On The ‘I’m Thinking Of You’ Teddy Bear #~# SAN DIEGO—Noting that their store was the only game in town for the poor bastards stopping in, employees at the St. Margaret Hospital gift shop told reporters Tuesday they figured they could easily soak customers for 30 bucks a pop on the “I’m Thinking Of You” teddy bears. “Look, they’re going up to the trauma center, they’ve already paid for parking—it’s going to be no trouble at all to bleed these saps of at least three 10-spots for one of these things, maybe more,” said manager Marissa Lutz of the shop’s supply of 12-inch-tall plush bears holding embroidered pillows, adding that she could probably tack on another 15 bones for a Mylar balloon reading “Feel Better” if the customer was heading to the pediatric unit. “They’re already here; no way they’re gonna get back in their car and drive a half hour to Target. Hell, at this point we could probably shake down some real sorry fucks on the religious sympathy cards, throw in a bag of bottom-rung jelly beans, and really take these chumps for a ride. What are they gonna do about it?” At press time, Lutz could be seen contemplating how much sweet green she could wring out of a woman entering the store in tears for the second time this week.
FBI Releases List Of Criminals It In No Particular Rush To Track Down #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that the capture of these lawbreakers was desirable but honestly not the most urgent matter in the world, the FBI released a list of 10 criminals Monday that it is in no particular rush to track down. “We certainly hope to apprehend these individuals eventually, once we’ve got some of the really awful fugitives behind bars,” said FBI director James Comey of the list, which contains criminals wanted for “serious but not quite earth-shattering” felonies such as burglary, aggravated assault, and motor vehicle theft. “While many have been at large for some time now—and it hasn’t exactly been the end of the world—there’s certainly no harm in enlisting the public’s help in bringing them to justice.” Comey added that anyone who provided information leading to the arrest of persons on the list would earn the gratitude of law enforcement but no financial reward at this time.
Stewardess Denies Muslim Woman Can Of Coke Over Violence Fears #~# A Muslim woman who recently flew on United Airlines wrote in a Facebook post that a flight attendant told her that she couldn’t have a can of Coke on the flight because she might use it as a weapon, which left her feeling humiliated and discriminated against. What do you think?
Candidate Profile: Lindsey Graham #~# South Carolina senator and retired Air Force colonel Lindsey Graham officially announced Monday that he will run in the 2016 presidential race, adding his name to the increasingly crowded Republican field. Here are some key facts to know about Graham:
Frustrated NSA Now Forced To Rely On Mass Surveillance Programs That Haven’t Come To Light Yet #~# FORT MEADE, MD—Expressing frustration over Congress’ decision to let the provisions allowing the bulk collection of phone data expire, annoyed National Security Agency officials reported Monday that the organization would now be forced to rely exclusively on mass surveillance programs that have yet to come to light. “Unfortunately, lawmakers chose to limit our intelligence-gathering capabilities by discontinuing key sections of the Patriot Act, and now we have no choice but to depend on a number of other civilian-monitoring initiatives that continue to remain hidden from the public,” said NSA director Michael Rogers, adding that, although the agency still has a wide variety of covert hacking, wiretapping, and GPS-tracking programs at its disposal that have not yet been exposed by whistleblowers or investigative journalists, the end of its ability to record the phone data of millions of Americans still represents “a fairly sizable inconvenience” for the organization. “Obviously, we will continue to carry out our duty of protecting the United States, but without the powers granted to us under Section 215 of the Patriot Act, I guess we’ll just have to make do with our Dark Sky systems, the Linguos Protocol, and Project OPTIC, among several dozen others.” Rogers noted that while the NSA was disappointed to see the old metadata collection program lapse, ultimately the capabilities of its newer surveillance projects make the old one look miniscule in comparison.
Disgruntled Bandmates Worried Rivers Cuomo’s Wife Becoming The Fifth Weezer #~# LOS ANGELES—Noting that she’s always present for recording sessions and has been increasingly vocal about the group’s musical direction, disgruntled bandmates of Rivers Cuomo privately complained this week that the singer’s wife, Kyoko Ito, is becoming the fifth Weezer. “There are only four Weezers—the Weezers in this band—and the last time I checked, Kyoko is not a Weezer,” complained longtime guitarist Brian Bell, who is known to fans as the Hot Weezer, just as Cuomo is famously the Sensitive Weezer, Patrick Wilson is the Funny Weezer, and Scott Shriner is the Shy Weezer. “As far as I’m concerned, wives come and go, but Weezers are forever. And if Rivers doesn’t realize that, then maybe he just doesn’t understand what being a Weezer is all about.” At press time, an increasingly frustrated Bell had reportedly announced plans to split off from the group and pursue projects as a solo Weezer.
Transgender Community Caught Slightly Off Guard By Baskin-Robbins’ Enthusiastic Support #~# CANTON, MA—Saying they were appreciative of the effort but at no point did they ever see something like this coming, members of the transgender community admitted to reporters Monday they were caught slightly off guard by ice cream chain Baskin-Robbins’ enthusiastic support for them and their cause. “We’re definitely pleased with Baskin-Robbins’ new trans-friendly initiative—it’s just, you know, where did this come from?” said Trans Advocacy Network spokesperson Samantha Jessup, who, along with thousands of other transgender individuals across the country, was reportedly blindsided by the vocal endorsement of trans rights on the frozen treat purveyor’s website and in a lengthy Facebook post. “Don’t get me wrong, we’re thrilled when anyone takes a stand on the issue of mainstream transgender acceptance. But, boy, this one’s kind of a head-scratcher. I mean, Baskin-Robbins? Really? Huh.” At press time, transgender advocates were reportedly taken aback as every one of the company’s promotional tweets for its June flavor of the month included the hashtag #standwithtrans.
Report: Girls Seek Sisterhood When Joining ISIS #~# A new report has found that many Western women who travel to the Middle East to join the Islamic State do so not only because they want to marry a jihadist and become “jihadi brides,” as some have speculated, but also to find a sense of sisterhood with other women who have joined. What do you think?
Family Spends Relaxing Weekend Destroying Outdoors #~# ATLANTA—Feeling refreshed after three days of camping in Georgia’s Oconee National Forest, members of the Prendergast family confirmed Monday they had spent a relaxing weekend destroying the great outdoors. “It’s nice every now and then to escape from the city, get outside, and take some time to really trash nature,” said father of two Dan Prendergast, 49, remarking that the highlight of the trip was a morning hike during which his family was able to toss away their juice bottles, granola bar wrappers, and Ziploc sandwich bags at the summit of Burgess Mountain and along the banks of the Ocmulgee River. “Nothing beats being out in the country and littering with the whole family. It’s easy, too: We just pack up a couple disposable styrofoam coolers with food and drinks, load up the Chevy Suburban, and then drive out into the woods to pollute all that Mother Nature has to offer.” While the Prendergasts all agreed the weekend trip was fun, they told reporters that by Sunday, they were ready to get back to damaging the environment from the comfort of their own 5,000-square-foot air-conditioned home.
Area Man, Woman Each Have Thorough List Of Why They Should Break Up On Standby #~# SALEM, OR—Saying their respective justifications were “good to go” whenever necessary, local couple Mark Wondrich, 25, and Cara Marshall, 27, reported Friday that they each have a comprehensive list of reasons why they should break up with the other on standby. “Things are actually going pretty well with Cara right now, but just in case it starts to go bad, I’ve got a dozen or so reasons why it’s best to call it quits on our relationship that I can pull out at a moment’s notice,” said Wondrich, just minutes after Marshall privately divulged to reporters her own mental catalog of well-thought-out arguments for terminating their relationship, which included Wondrich’s tendency to ignore her, her desire to move to a bigger city, and 10 other flaws that would serve as a compelling rationale for splitting up. “I might not need this list for a while, if ever, but either way, it’s good to know that if I ever feel like today’s the day, this thing’s just sitting here ready to roll.” At press time, a disagreement over weekend plans had led both of them to add the other’s stubbornness to their steadily expanding lists. 
Officials: Plane Wreckage Likely MH370 #~# Officials are speculating that an airplane wing discovered off the coast of Reunion Island earlier this week could possibly belong to MH370, a Malaysia Airlines Boeing 777 aircraft that disappeared without a trace in March 2014. What do you think?
Worker Who Forgot Email Attachment Expects Coworkers To Forgive Her Just Like That #~# UPPER DARBY, PA—In a shameless attempt to persuade colleagues to excuse her incompetent mistake, local account supervisor Casey Collins, who forgot to include an email attachment earlier today, apparently expected her coworkers to forgive her just like that, shocked sources confirmed. “She thinks she can carelessly leave out the document, follow up with the line ‘Sorry guys, here it is!’ and expect us to straight up forgive her? Unbelievable,” said coworker Marc Graham, glaring at the audacious message, which reportedly concluded with “my bad” in a final, desperate attempt to atone for the egregious error. “She’s lucky she remembered to attach the file so quickly afterward, but if she thinks that wiped the slate clean, then she is sorely mistaken. Maybe a few months from now, but just a couple minutes after she did something like this? No way.” At press time, sources confirmed that a number of seething colleagues had slammed their laptops shut and stormed out of the office to collect themselves.
Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann #~# Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?
Anti-MDMA Campaign Warns Teens About Dangers Of Feeling More Connected To Others #~# ROCKVILLE, MD—Explaining that most young people mistakenly believe the popular drug to be safe for recreational use, officials from the National Institute on Drug Abuse unveiled a new anti-MDMA campaign Friday warning teens about the dangers of feeling deep emotional connections to others. “Too many of our nation’s children don’t realize that even a single dose of MDMA—or Molly, as it’s known—has the devastating potential to make users feel like they’re part of one big human family, connected to all those around them by a single cosmic thread,” said NIDA spokesperson June Kessler, who noted that 13- to 18-year-olds were especially at risk of succumbing to a profound warmth and admiration toward their peers that knows no bounds. “Teens need to know this isn’t just a benign party drug; it comes with serious consequences, and it can and will cause users to see the world from the eyes of the people standing next to them and, within minutes, realize they love them that much more for it. The only way to avoid these disastrous side effects is to stay away from Molly altogether.” Kessler added that if a sudden rush of empathy wasn’t scary enough, MDMA has also been known to cause things to look, taste, and feel exponentially better.
First Female NFL Coach Hired #~# Jen Welter, who starred as a linebacker for 14 years, mostly in the Women’s Football Alliance, and coached men in the Champions Indoor Football league, will join the Arizona Cardinals during training camp and the preseason as the NFL’s first female coach, a move roundly supported by players and fans alike. What do you think?
Fan Bravely Ventures To Other Side Of Stadium In Search Of Better Food Options #~# CINCINNATI—Fearlessly embarking on a journey to areas as far as the outer mezzanine, local Cincinnati Reds fan Tony Amico, 38, reportedly departed from his section at Great American Ball Park Friday and trekked all the way to the other side of the stadium in search of better food options. “I’m pretty hungry, but all they have around here are hot dogs and nachos, and I don’t really feel like either of those,” Amico told reporters as he began his long and arduous odyssey past 23 different seating sections in the concourse, holding out hope of coming across pizza or perhaps even some barbecue. “I saw a guy walk past with some tacos, but I have no idea where he got them from. I could have sworn I saw a place with pulled pork sliders while we were walking up to our seats, too—I could definitely go for that.” At press time, Amico had finally reached the promised land after discovering a concession stand selling chicken tenders, but ultimately opted to return to his seat empty-handed after learning that they cost $12.
How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop #~# With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
Washington, D.C. Sinking Into Sea #~# According to new research from the U.S. Geological Survey and the University of Vermont, the nation’s capital could sink as much as 6 inches over the next century, increasing risk of flooding, and leading researchers to admonish Congress’ inaction on solving the issue of climate change. What do you think?
Report: Rising Disney World Ticket Costs Prompting Many Parents To Leave Children At Home #~# BAY LAKE, FL—Citing the 75 percent increase in ticket prices over the past decade, a report published Thursday by consumer research firm McGann & Associates found that the rising cost of admission to Walt Disney World is prompting more parents to leave their children at home when visiting the popular resort.
Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America #~# CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America. “Thanks to this footage, everyone can see the brutal and unconscionable condition of the United States in the year 2015 with their own eyes,” said Hamilton County prosecutor Joe Deters, who noted that the violent nature of circumstances in America may make the footage disturbing for some to watch. “It’s stomach-turning to go frame by frame through this video and see the grotesque realities of our country unfold in such visceral detail. But it’s vitally important to have a visual record that tells the truth about this nation rather than be forced to trust the accounts of those who might have something to cover up. Without this video, we would be left to dispute about what really happens in America.” Deters added that, after watching the footage, it was hard to argue that the country was not to blame for the violence that was captured on film.
Jim Harbaugh Spends Day Testing Every Single Seat View In Michigan Stadium #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting that the 51-year-old coach was slowly making his way across the vacant stands section by section, sources at the University of Michigan confirmed Thursday that Jim Harbaugh spent the entire day testing the view from every seat in the team’s stadium. “You can barely even see the other end zone from here—pathetic!” Harbaugh screamed to the empty arena while throwing his hands up in frustration, having reportedly arrived alone in the early morning to personally evaluate the vantage point from each of Michigan Stadium’s 110,000 seats. “Aw, c’mon, what the hell is this? You know what, can you explain to me how this whole section is this bad? Please? Bullshit—this is absolute fucking grade-A bullshit.” At press time, Harbaugh had sent Michigan’s athletic department an envelope containing a heavily annotated seating chart, a list of the 63,000 seat views he had found unsatisfactory, and a glowing 70-page report on section 25, row 12, seat 9, which he claimed is “exactly what the great sport of football is all about.”
Black Man Bids Tearful Goodbye To Family Before Daily Commute #~# MILWAUKEE—Frequently choking back tears, African-American computer technician Michael Shaw bid an emotional goodbye to his wife and 6-year-old son before making his morning commute Thursday, sources confirmed. “I don’t know when or if I’ll see you guys next, so I just want you to know how much I love you,” Shaw said, his voice breaking as he prepared to embark on the 25-minute trip, including a stop at a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru, from which he might not return. “Kevin, you take care of Mommy. Whatever might happen before I get to the office, you have to be strong, okay?” According to sources, Shaw then grabbed his briefcase and his car keys and took one last look over his shoulder before opening the front door and walking down the lawn to the driveway.
Company Flat-Out Asks Female Candidate How Much Mileage They Can Get Out Of Her Before She Has Baby #~# NEW YORK—After reviewing the job candidate’s impressive educational background, research experience, and work history, hiring managers at Geneventis Pharmaceuticals reportedly flat-out asked female applicant Caitlyn Heard today about how much mileage they can get out of her before she has a baby. “You are clearly qualified for the position, so we just want to know straight up: How many years can we squeeze out of you before you get pregnant?” said corporate recruiter Jason D’Amato, candidly asking the 29-year-old medical school graduate to spit out exactly how long they can expect her to work 60- to 80-hour weeks prior to leaving to have a child and wasting the company’s investment in her. “Let’s get down to brass tacks here, all right? Do you imagine this being the kind of thing where you’re biding your time until you save up enough money to be a stay-at-home mom, or are you planning to go hard until you’re 35 and then have a baby and scale back to part-time? Be straight with us: How much time you got left on your clock?” Sources confirmed that after Heard left the room, the recruiters privately joked that the minute they promote her to head of clinical research she’ll probably announce her pregnancy.
Twitter Deleting Stolen Jokes #~# In an effort to combat accounts that aggregate others’ original tweets for added clicks, Twitter has begun quietly removing stolen jokes from certain users’ feeds, referring to the original writer as the “copyright holder,” and fielding additional removal requests via an online form. What do you think?
Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes #~# JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes. “This is the second time in the past half hour that I’ve walked down three flights of stairs to move my clothes over from the washer, only to find this pile still wadded up inside the only available dryer—God, who knows how long they’ve even been in there?” said Hermus, adding that the behavior was “completely ridiculous” and that she would only grant the offending tenant a short extension, during which they could remove their belongings without receiving the full brunt of Hermus’ ire. “If they don’t come down here really soon, I’ll be forced to take desperate measures, such as touching their garments with my bare hands and carrying them over to the dusty table in the corner. I’ve tried being patient, but in a few minutes, I’m going for it—just you watch.” At press time, sources confirmed that a visibly incensed Hermus could be seen glancing from her watch to the doorway before heaving a large, audible sigh and saying that she would grant the clothes’ owner an additional three-minute reprieve, but “that’s really it.”
American Regrets Role In Killing Famous Lion #~# Cecil the lion, a popular Zimbabwe tourist attraction, was killed this week by Minnesota dentist Walter Palmer during a lion hunt he allegedly spent upwards of $50,000 to join, though Palmer has said he regrets his role in the incident and didn’t realize Cecil was a famous lion when he killed him. What do you think?
Bloated Obama Delivers Press Conference From Couch Behind Podium #~# WASHINGTON—Taking slow, labored breaths while clutching his distended abdomen, a bloated President Obama delivered a press conference Wednesday while seated on a couch several feet behind the podium in the White House briefing room. “Good afternoon, everybody—ugh, Jesus, gimme a sec,” said a wincing, perspiring Obama before emitting several low groans. “Oh, man. Whoa. Okay, I’ll take some questions now—hang on, hang on. Jesus, I feel like I’m gonna pop.” At press time, Obama had concluded the briefing by slowly rolling over on the cushions and burying his face in a pillow.
Matt Damon Loses $500 To Guy Who Promised Professional-Looking Headshots #~# LOS ANGELES—Angrily stating that he had been “completely ripped off,” Hollywood actor Matt Damon expressed outrage Wednesday after receiving a set of extremely poor-quality headshots from a man who had charged him $500 and guaranteed professional-looking results.
Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture #~# RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side. “Oh, crap, I gotta go for it—the rip’s getting bigger and I’m way too far to turn back now,” Parnasse reportedly thought to himself, gingerly holding the plastic bag at arm’s length to avoid the stream of unidentifiable liquid dripping from the lengthening tear dangerously close to his shoes. “God, I knew it was a big mistake yanking the bag from the garbage can like that. I should’ve just brought the whole can out with it. Dammit. If the coffee grounds reach that hole, I’m really fucked.” At press time, a frantic, briskly striding Parnasse was forced to turn his attention away from the growing hole as the weight of the trash bag began stretching the drawstring he was holding to the point of imminent failure.
NFL Enacts New Rules In Wake Of Deflategate #~# Following a controversy during the 2014-15 NFL playoffs in which the New England Patriots were accused of deflating footballs to make them easier for quarterback Tom Brady to throw, the NFL has debuted new rules pertaining to the quantity, air pressure, inspection, labeling, and monitoring of game-day balls. What do you think?
Relationship At Point Where Woman Has To Learn Boyfriend’s Family’s Weird Card Games #~# OCEAN BEACH, NY—Moments after being called to the dining room table and briefed on a lengthy set of rules, local woman Shayla Meyer reported Tuesday that her relationship with Matt Brickell had apparently reached the point where she had to learn his family’s weird card games. “Okay, so everyone gets seven cards that you want to arrange by suit, and starting to the left of the dealer, we all take turns drawing a card from the deck and adding its value to the face-up ‘community card’ in the middle,” said Brickell’s father to Meyer, who nodded politely during a three-minute explanation of the so-called “kitty” and “trump suits” while simultaneously coming to the realization that, as long as her relationship continued, she would be expected to play this game with her boyfriend’s family every time they were all together. “You should also know that before each hand, the person who took the most tricks in the previous round can call out ‘gingersnap,’ and you have to switch one of your cards with the person sitting opposite you. You got all that?” Meyer added that she was looking forward to the point in the relationship where she could pretend to be tired and go upstairs to watch TV.
Campaign Consultant Presents Scott Walker Several Human Sides To Choose From #~# URBANDALE, IA—Saying it was important that the candidate have a distinctive, relatable look, campaign consultant Brian Sims reportedly presented Republican presidential hopeful Scott Walker with several possible human sides to choose from Wednesday.
Tips For Traveling With Young Children #~# Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids:
Area Man Still Talking About Crazy Productive Afternoon 4 Months Ago #~# FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Repeatedly referring to himself as “on fire” and “in the zone” on that particular day, local office worker Kenneth Michelson was reportedly still talking this week about an incredibly productive afternoon he had nearly four months ago. “You wouldn’t believe all the work I got done after lunch that day—I finished up a report, sent it around to the finance team, and I was able to get a head start on the spreadsheets for the following week. It was incredible,” said Michelson of the four-and-a-half-hour stretch of time that took place more than 100 days earlier, fondly reminiscing about how he even managed to update a few files with the latest sales numbers while on a conference call. “Man, I was so locked-in; I was answering emails left and right, and I just crushed this PowerPoint deck I had to put together. You should have seen me.” At press time, sources reported that Michelson could be overheard continuing to recount his highly fruitful afternoon in an attempt to stave off a looming project deadline. 
Boston Pulls Bid For 2024 Olympics #~# After months of failing to gain public support among taxpayers who fear they will foot the bill for the event, bidding group Boston 2024 ended its initiative to bring the Olympic Games to Boston, with many speculating that Los Angeles will soon mount its own bid to host. What do you think?
What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games #~# Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities:
Woman Relieved Soulmate Turned Out To Be In Same Socioeconomic Bracket #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Noting how lucky she was to have finally found the one she was meant to be with forever, local woman Julie Winters told reporters Tuesday she was relieved that her true soulmate also happened to have the same socioeconomic status as she does. “From the moment I met David, I knew we were kindred spirits who were destined to be together, and it’s just such a relief that his income mirrors mine so well,” said Winters, adding that she breathed much easier upon realizing the person she had been waiting for her whole life was also a white-collar professional earning approximately $75,000 per year. “It’s also reassuring to know there really aren’t any glaring gaps in educational background between me and the only man I could ever love. I’m such a lucky girl!” Winters went on to say she was especially relieved that the one person she could ever imagine growing old with was the same race she was.
Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again #~# WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again. “This is a very important issue, and I’m glad Democrats and Republicans were able to work together to take swift action,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, joining members of both houses in celebrating the measure’s nearly unanimous approval less than a week after a mass shooting in a Louisiana movie theater. “The amendment now goes out to the legislatures of each state, where we’re confident it will be quickly ratified.” McConnell added that, as further episodes of gun violence continue to shape the discussion surrounding firearms, Congress would not rule out passing the Second Amendment as many times as necessary.
Overcrowded GOP Field Forces Iowa To Construct Massive Town Hall Stadium #~# DES MOINES, IA—In an effort to accommodate the tremendous influx of presidential candidates pouring into the state, Iowa Republican Party officials announced Tuesday the construction of a massive town hall stadium to play host to the campaigning. “Our state’s current gymnasium and VFW hall infrastructure is simply insufficient to handle the sheer volume of stump speeches and Q&A sessions that we expect from this vast field of GOP candidates, but this 2.3-million-square-foot arena will help meet that demand,” said Iowa Republican Party chairman Jeff Kaufmann, adding that the immense town hall stadium will have enough space for 80,000 folding chairs and a large central stage capable of holding all 16 Republican candidates at once. “This state-of-the-art politicking facility will be outfitted with over 30,000 microphones and microphone stands, allowing the multitude of GOP presidential hopefuls to field pre-approved questions from the audience.” Kaufmann added that the town hall stadium would also be a boon to the local economy, providing hundreds of jobs for maintenance technicians, engineers, security personnel, event coordinators, guest relations liaisons, and a minimum of a dozen moderators.
‘Some Of This Is Probably Water,’ Man In Stadium Bathroom Hopes #~# CLEVELAND—Gingerly stepping around several of the largest wet patches on the floor, local Indians fan Mark Freel reportedly assured himself Tuesday that at least some of the liquid covering the ground of the men’s bathroom at Progressive Field was most likely water. “It’s probably just water from the sink that trickled over here, or maybe from a leaky pipe somewhere,” Freel reportedly thought while averting his gaze from the quarter-inch puddle of opaque liquid that stretched from the sinks to the urinal trough. “And I bet it’s only that color because it got mixed with the dirt on the floor. Yeah, that’s…that’s probably it.” At press time, Freel was attempting to convince himself that whatever dripped on his arm when he was exiting the bathroom was clean and perfectly harmless.
I’d Like To See The Government Try And Take Away My Trash #~# It seems like Big Government is always finding more ways to stick its nose into everybody’s business. At this very moment, they’re probably working on all kinds of new ways to trample upon the God-given rights of freedom-loving Americans like you and me. I can’t tell you what they’ve got planned next, but I can tell you one thing: There’ll be hell to pay if Uncle Sam or anybody else ever comes after my garbage.
JFK International Airport Plans $48 Million Animal Facility #~# Set to open in 2016, a new 178,000-square-foot terminal at JFK International Airport will be designed to kennel and quarantine pets, birds, and livestock, complete with swimming pools, flat-screen TVs, and full-time medical services. What do you think?
The Life And Works Of Dr. Seuss #~# A 50-year-old manuscript by the late Theodor Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, is being released this week, captivating nostalgic readers who grew up on seven decades of children’s books from the prolific author. Here are some highlights from Dr. Seuss’ life and work:
Boy Scouts To Lift Ban On Gay Leaders #~# To combat declining membership and amend relationships with donors, the Boy Scouts of America will begin accepting openly gay adults in leader positions, though the organization says religiously affiliated troops may continue selecting heterosexual leaders to align with their values. What do you think?
GOP Candidates Offered Cash Voucher To Give Up Spot And Participate In Later Election #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the field of presidential hopefuls currently exceeded maximum capacity, the Republican National Committee announced Monday it was offering a cash voucher to any GOP candidates willing to give up their spot in the 2016 race and run again in a later election. “We’re unfortunately unable to accommodate every candidate in our current primary race, so we’re offering $2.5 million in campaign funding to anyone open to rescheduling their presidential run to the next available contest in 2020 or to another later race,” said RNC chairman Reince Priebus, adding that anyone interested in the offer should come forward now before the party was forced to begin bumping candidates from the current election cycle involuntarily. “In addition to the financing voucher, which can be redeemed toward any GOP presidential primary before 2036, we’re also offering any candidates willing to change their plans the chance to upgrade to a center podium at the primary debates free of charge.” At press time, Priebus added that the RNC would also throw in two complimentary Koch brothers, an $80 billion value, to anyone who accepted the offer.
Tour De France Won By Rowdy, Tattooed Biker From Harley Davidson Team #~# PARIS—In what many are calling the single most dominant performance in the 112-year history of the event, the 2015 Tour de France was won Sunday by Jason “Scab” Vickerson of the Harley Davidson Team.
Honest Wedding Website Admits There Jack Shit For Guests To Do While In Town #~# LAURENS, IA—Acknowledging the lack of any remotely interesting or entertaining attractions in the surrounding area, the wedding website for couple Adam Jessup and Rachel McHenry explicitly states that there is absolutely jack shit for guests to do while they’re in town, sources confirmed Monday. “There’s a Pizza Hut, a gas station, and that’s about it,” reads the website in part, candidly advising wedding guests in search of any food, drinks, or fun activities that they were shit out of luck because Laurens, IA is in the middle of fucking nowhere. “We recommend that guests stay at the nearby Fairfield Inn and Suites, but the place pretty much blows. It doesn’t have a pool or premium cable channels, so your best bet is to just hole up in your room watching whatever is on TNT until the ceremony.” The wedding website also frankly suggested that guests arrive early to the reception for complimentary cheap wine, shitty beer, and fucking awful appetizers.
Bing Removing Revenge Porn #~# Joining a growing list of tech companies taking a stand against “revenge porn,” or the act of posting compromising images of someone online without their consent, Microsoft announced it would honor victims’ requests to remove links to such material from Bing search results. What do you think?
Study: Those Who Go To College Earn More Degrees Over Lifetime Than Those Who Do Not #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming the conventional wisdom regarding the importance of college attendance in obtaining a diploma, a study published Monday by the National Education Association found that individuals who go to college earn more degrees over their lifetime than those who do not. “Our data suggests, quite convincingly, that those who pursue higher education invariably obtain more baccalaureates,” NEA researcher Denise Hallinan said, adding that the study’s findings cut across all socioeconomic brackets and applied to state and private schools equally. “And the degree acquisition gap only widens further once people go on to graduate school, with individuals at the Ph.D. level typically earning a full three more degrees than persons who did not attend college at all.” The study comes on the heels of a recent Labor Department report that found the nation’s best-paying jobs were dominated entirely by people who applied for them. 
Exercise Might Help Treat Alzheimer’s #~# Researchers announced this week that not only can regular aerobic exercise help protect the brain against Alzheimer’s, it can also positively impact those already diagnosed with the disease, due to increased blood flow to the brain’s memory and processing centers. What do you think?
Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right #~# DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right. “If I tell them about the raise, they’ll immediately attribute it to the advice they gave a while back about how being assertive and clearly stating what you want yields positive results—there’s no way I’m giving them that satisfaction,” said Comers, who earlier this week requested a one-on-one meeting with her supervisor, directly asked for a pay increase, and within a matter of minutes received a bump in her salary, a course of action she had previously dismissed as futile and “completely ridiculous” when it was proposed by her mother and father during a phone call three weeks earlier. “I’m definitely going to wait a few months before I mention it to them so it eliminates any immediate cause and effect in their minds. And when I eventually do tell them about the raise, I’ll make sure to say it was part of my annual review or something so it doesn’t sound like I just asked for one and got it, exactly like they said I would. I don’t want them getting big heads about this.” At press time, Comers was telling her parents how confronting her roommate on her bad habits had only made life in the apartment worse solely so she could relish proving them wrong.
Red Cross Installs Blood Drop-Off Bins For Donors’ Convenience #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing their hope that the new initiative would encourage more people to give, American Red Cross officials announced Friday that they had begun installing blood drop-off bins for donors’ convenience. “We realize that many people’s schedules prevent them from being able to visit their local Red Cross during normal business hours, so we’re introducing our new PlasmaGo donation bins, in which anyone can leave a few pints of blood any time they’re out and about,” said American Red Cross president Gail McGovern, adding that the 142-cubic-foot containers, which will soon be placed outside every Red Cross location in the country as well as in parking lots and street corners in major cities, will be available 24 hours a day for those who want to squeeze in a donation on the way to work or drop off some blood while running errands on the weekend. “All you have to do is place your blood in a sealed container marked with your blood type before dropping it in the receptacle. Or, if you’re in a rush, just bleed directly into the PlasmaGo bin and we’ll sort it out later on our end. Whatever’s most convenient for you.” Should the new bins prove successful, McGovern said the organization would consider installing an additional slot for bone marrow.
Frustrated Man Doesn’t Know What Else He Can Do To Get Cat Purring #~# EAU CLAIRE, WI—Growing increasingly exasperated by the animal’s indifference to his attempts at affection, local man Joe Dooney told reporters Friday that he didn’t know what else he could do to get his cat, Harvey, purring. “I tried scratching at his ears, gently stroking his tail, and rubbing the fur on his belly, but he’s giving me nothing,” said Dooney, adding that nuzzling the 3-year-old cat’s face and whispering “you’re my special little guy” also proved to be ineffective. “I put him on my lap and used both hands to scratch under his chin and pet his back at the same time, but all he did was lick my arm and go back to sitting there. Christ, I can’t get a goddamn peep out of him.” At press time, sources confirmed that the ungrateful little bastard had run off.
Scientists Warn Planet Cannot Support Growing Gronkowski Population #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Noting that they are reproducing at an alarming and unprecedented rate, researchers from the National Science Foundation warned Friday that the planet cannot continue supporting the rapidly growing population of Gronkowskis. “We are quickly approaching the point at which any more Gronkowskis will be utterly disastrous for all life on earth,” said leading researcher Rebecca Davies, adding that large groups of the enormous, powerful, and overly aggressive Gronkowskis have already overrun much of Massachusetts and are now spreading across the United States. “The planet simply doesn’t contain the resources necessary to sustain all these Gronkowskis, especially given the incredible amount of food they consume in a single day. This situation will soon be irreversible, and we as a society have to do something about it before it’s too late.” Davies added that she fully supports new measures to hunt Gronkowskis in rural parts of the country in order to prevent them from encroaching on densely populated cities.
Oldest Quran Fragments Found In U.K. #~# With an estimated age of 1,370 years, some of the world’s oldest Quran fragments were discovered this week in the University of Birmingham library, where they were housed for nearly a century before being identified and carbon dated, and professors have speculated that their scribes might have even been contemporaries of the Prophet Muhammad. What do you think?
Fan Has List Of Dream Marketers He’d Love To See Handle Next Spider-Man Film #~# ROSWELL, GA—Expressing his desire for a high-caliber talent with the creative vision to do justice to the film’s promotion, local man Jeff Crews told reporters Friday he has a list of dream marketers he’d love to see handle the next Spider-Man movie. “I’d see anything with James H. Martin; he’s an absolutely perfect choice for helming promotional events and the Spider-Man–McDonald’s tie-in,” said Crews, who offered the names of several highly acclaimed marketers who he believes have the imagination and brilliance necessary to breathe life into the superhero franchise’s branding. “This is purely a fantasy, but Christopher Sanford would do such an amazing job with the film’s social media strategy. And I’d be equally excited about a young gun like Stephen Edwards who has such innovative ideas—plus, you know he’ll come up with some crazy twists and turns in the Spider-Man advertising campaign. Though if you want the best in the biz, you gotta go with Walter Bennett from PPC Enterprises. Nobody is better at reaching target audiences.” At press time, Crews expressed disappointment after learning that his all-time favorite marketer had signed on to promote Deadpool.
Woman Quickly Cycles Through Non-Threatening Voice Inflections Before Expressing Concern #~# HOBOKEN, NJ—In a concerted effort to eliminate any possibility of perceived resentment or antagonism, local account manager Jessica Koerper reportedly cycled through a variety of non-threatening voice inflections in her head Friday before vocalizing a concern to her manager. “‘Why don’t we move this to next week?’—shoot, that’s too aggressive. ‘If we move this to next week, would that be okay?’—I guess that’s better,” Koerper reportedly thought to herself as she ran through more than a dozen combinations of intonations, vocal pitches, syntactical changes, and patterns of stressed words in order to avoid, as much as possible, giving her boss the impression that she’s actively working to undermine his authority and role within the company. “Maybe I’ll start off with the word ‘Hi,’ but that’s always tricky, because if it’s too casual he might think I don’t take his authority seriously, and if it’s too forceful he’ll think I’m being confrontational. I definitely don’t want to come off as incompetent, so maybe I’ll go into the stairwell real quick and practice saying some things out loud to iron out any pauses or hesitations.” At press time, sources reported that Koerper had been perceived as a bitch. 
Do You Know Why I’m Pulling You Over, Being Wildly Aggressive, And Charging You With Assault Today, Sir? #~# Good afternoon, sir. Go ahead and roll your window all the way down for me. My name is Officer Daniel McEwen from the Greene County Police Department. Now, do you know why I’m pulling you over today, being overly aggressive, and charging you with a felony count of assaulting a police officer?
Armadillos Possible Cause Of Leprosy Outbreak #~# Nine cases of leprosy have been reported in Florida so far this year, with all sufferers reporting recent contact with armadillos, leading officials to warn against touching the armored mammals, although it’s not certain they are causing the disease to spread. What do you think?
Revelations From Trump’s Financial Documents #~# Donald Trump made the financial disclosures this week required of all presidential candidates, divulging his job titles, assets, and other information in a 92-page report. Here are some things we learned about Trump in these documents:
Ticketed Motorist Pointing Finger Just The Green Light Cop Needed #~# DANVILLE, VA—Recalling the provocation that came midway through a routine traffic stop, Danville police officer Dylan Hayden told reporters Thursday that driver Donald Watkins’ decision to frustratedly point his finger at him was just the green light he needed. “Legally, I’m not allowed to touch the motorist after pulling him over, but when he extended his index finger directly toward me, I knew that gave me the go-ahead right there to take whatever action I deemed necessary,” said Hayden, adding that as soon as he noticed the conceivably threatening hand gesture, he had full authority to skip right ahead to exerting force. “Frankly, I probably would’ve had the okay to rock and roll after he cursed under his breath, but I wanted to be absolutely certain that I was in the clear. Once he pointed his finger at my chest from inside his vehicle, I knew I’d be covered no matter what happened next. He really left the door wide open for me with that one.” Hayden expressed confidence that there was probably someone wanted for robbery who looks similar enough to Watkins to legally justify pulling him over in the first place.
Longtime Science Textbook Retires After 40 Years In Public School System #~# PITTSBURGH—Bringing to a close what former students and administrators are calling an “immensely impressive tenure,” longtime science textbook Discovering Science retired this week following 40 years in the public school system.
Sexist Men Found To Be Bigger Losers #~# A recent study observing users’ behavior while playing Halo 3 found that men who performed poorly in the game were also more likely to subject female players to insults and harassment, supporting the researchers’ theory that men use aggression to maintain social dominance. What do you think?
Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male #~# WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male. “That poor little guy—as soon as the big one saw the meat, he came over and just muscled him off to the side,” said onlooker Marilou Baker, adding that Samuelson eventually managed to dart in at one point and snatch a bit of celery and blue cheese from the more dominant male. “The huge male just devoured those chicken wings. I doubt there’s going to be anything left for the smaller one but some scraps hanging from the bones.” At press time, Samuelson reportedly let out a pitiful little yowl, paid his bill, and scampered off.
Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’ #~# Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:
This Great Song, Bar Sources Report #~# TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song. “Oh man, this is such a good song,” said customer Kurt Richardson, echoing the sentiments of others seated along the bar, who variously identified the tune as “great” and “fucking great”. “I love this part—listen. God, it’s so good.” At press time, barroom sources were closing their eyes, nodding their heads rhythmically, and attempting to hit the high note.
Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey #~# Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?
Mosquitoes Use Complex Tactics To Seek Human Prey #~# Researchers have found that mosquitoes use a complex system of visual, olfactory, and thermal methods to track their human targets, such as sensing exhaled carbon dioxide or pursuing body heat emissions, all of which render the usual methods of repelling insects relatively ineffective against these biting pests. What do you think?
Report: Airlines Installing Uncomfortable Bumps In Seatbacks Because It Pleases Them #~# NEW YORK—According to sources throughout the commercial aviation sector, the nation’s airlines will begin installing awkwardly placed bumps in every airplane seatback this week because it reportedly brings great pleasure to them. “Over the next four to six months, across our entire fleet, we’ll be rolling out seats with an irritating array of lumps and ridges to painfully jab our customers in the back, and we couldn’t be more delighted about it,” said United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek, speaking on behalf of all international, regional, and low-cost carriers, every one of whom admitted to deriving immense joy from watching their passengers squirm and search in vain for a tolerable position. “Let me make clear that these seats will be incredibly uncomfortable, and there is nothing more gratifying than making the experience of simply sitting during one’s flight an excruciating ordeal.” Smisek noted that for an additional fee, customers would be allowed to purchase seats with only a single, pointed protrusion in the lower back.
Local Swingers Not Going To Drive Out To Goddamn Oakdale #~# SHOREWOOD, MN—Citing both having to work early the next morning and several other inconveniences presented by a recent party invitation, local swingers Doug and Tiffany Finsky told reporters Wednesday that there is no way they are driving all the way out to goddamn Oakdale.
What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations #~# After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward:
4 Hours Scrolling Through Facebook Before Bed Referred To As ‘Winding Down’ #~# TULSA, OK—Saying it felt good to just kick back and decompress after a long day, local woman Kelly Alderman reportedly referred to the four hours she spent scrolling through Facebook before she went to sleep Wednesday as “winding down,” sources confirmed. “As soon as I get home from work, all I want to do is take a load off and relax for a little while,” said Alderman, speaking of the period between 7 and 11 p.m. during which she routinely sits on her couch, makes brief comments on her friends’ status updates, clicks “like” on several dozen posts, and responds almost instantaneously to any and all notifications she receives before eventually closing her laptop and brushing her teeth. “I think it’s important to spend some time every evening [repeatedly clicking through every one of my acquaintances’ most recently uploaded photos of the bars they’re visiting or the weddings they recently attended and then just sit there continuously refreshing my news feed] before I turn in for the night.” Sources added that Alderman refers to the 25 separate times she scans the social media site on her iPhone throughout the workday as “taking a little break.”
Seaweed That Tastes Like Bacon Could Help Environment #~# Researchers at Oregon State University have patented a new strain of algae that is rich in protein, grows quickly, and tastes like bacon when fried, a discovery that can also greatly benefit the coastal environment, where seaweed farming improves nitrogen levels. What do you think?
Admit It: You People Want To See How Far This Goes, Don’t You? #~# The latest polls are out, and just as I predicted, I’m leading the Republican presidential race by a wide margin. You might be wondering how that could be. After all, it’s hardly been a month since I entered the field and I’ve already alienated America’s largest immigrant population, seen dozens of my high-profile business deals implode one after the other, and publicly insulted a national hero’s military service, all while not offering a single viable policy idea. But none of that matters at all, and my candidacy continues to surge forward, because none of you—not a single one of you—can look away. Not even for a second.
Long John Silver’s Introduces New Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Calling it an “exciting new menu item dragged from the darkest reaches of the salty abyss,” executives at seafood restaurant chain Long John Silver’s introduced their latest fast-food offering Thursday, the Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep.
Woman Assaulted By Celebrity Just Needs To Sit Tight For 40 Years Until Dozens More Women Corroborate Story #~# NEW YORK—Realizing she might as well relax a little until her allegations are deemed credible in 2055 or so, 28-year-old Jill Garza confirmed Tuesday that she just needed to sit tight for around 40 years until a few dozen more women corroborated her story of being sexually assaulted by a beloved celebrity. “There’s nothing really for me to do except hang out for a few decades and just keep an eye on how many other women come forward with stories horrifyingly similar to mine,” said Garza, adding that she didn’t really see any other option except waiting around until she was nearly 70 as similar accusations slowly accumulated. “Maybe I’ll kind of set the ball rolling and actually won’t have to wait more than a decade to be taken seriously, but for now I’ll just plan to stay put and check in with my believability as a rape victim every couple of years.” Garza went on to say that the man who assaulted her would likely never actually go to jail, so there wasn’t any point even thinking about that at all.
Ashley Madison Website Hacked #~# Hackers have reportedly stolen personal information from all 37 million users of Ashley Madison, a website for arranging extramarital affairs, and are threatening to release all the data unless the site is shut down, a protest against Ashley Madison’s policy of charging users to remove their accounts but secretly retaining their credit card records. What do you think?
Heritage Foundation Lowers Another Retired GOP Senator Into Vat Of Strategists #~# WASHINGTON—After securing the 71-year-old to the hoist line of a crane and lifting him high overhead, officials at the Heritage Foundation think tank reportedly lowered retired GOP senator Saxby Chambliss into a giant vat of conservative policy experts Thursday. “Every time a former lawmaker comes through that door, we’ve got to harness him in tight, winch him up over the vat, and set him down nice and gentle in there with all the other guys,” said chairman Thomas Saunders, who shouted to reporters over the deafening chatter of right-leaning former government officials as he rotated his load into position and expertly manipulated a lever to control the legislator turned lobbyist’s descent into the pit. “We must have 100, maybe 200 of ’em down there already. Today’s gonna be busy—we’ve still got a pile of retired financial executives to get through before lunch.” After releasing Chambliss, Saunders then reportedly turned his attention to maneuvering the crane’s hook to snare and extract a former congressman whose issue briefs on climate change had become too evidence-based.
Dixie Donates $5 Million In Clean Drinking Cups To Drought-Ravaged Southern Africa #~# ATLANTA—Expressing its desire to help those suffering in the hardest-hit regions, the Dixie company this week donated $5 million in clean drinking cups to drought-ravaged Southern Africa, a corporate press release confirmed. “At a time when so many families across Zimbabwe, Botswana, Namibia, and South Africa lack access to clean, reliable sources of drinking cups, Dixie is proud to step in and provide much-needed relief,” wrote company spokesman Dale Hindeman, explaining that teams of Dixie workers would install hundreds of modern dispensers in remote areas to provide local populations with a steady supply of drinking cups and would teach villagers how to properly extract fresh drinking cups from the mechanism on their own. “Tragically, many individuals in these drought-stricken areas have been forced to walk six hours or more for access to drinking vessels for themselves and their children. We here at Dixie believe this is unacceptable, and we will ensure that every man, woman, and child in these villages has access to a fresh 8-ounce cup every day.” The initiative is the company’s largest charitable effort since airdropping thousands of packaged dinner plates to starving Haitian citizens following the country’s 2010 earthquake.
Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.
Study: Cannabis Helps Heal Broken Bones #~# Researchers in Tel Aviv have found that an element in cannabis can significantly speed the healing of bone fractures and that humans’ sensitivity to cannabis can help combat degenerative bone diseases like osteoporosis. What do you think?
College Residence Office Gets Kick Out Of Pairing Up Few Roommates Who Will Fucking Hate Each Other #~# BOSTON—While noting that they match 99 percent of incoming freshmen by compatibility, officials from Boston University’s Office of Residence Life admitted Tuesday that every once in a while they get a kick out of pairing up roommates who will absolutely fucking despise one another. “Most of the time we look at admitted students’ questionnaires on tidiness and study habits to find the most suitable matches, but every so often we let ourselves have a little fun by putting two people together who will make each other’s every moment in the dorm a living nightmare,” said the department’s director, David Zamojski, adding that his staffers can’t help chuckling to themselves whenever they imagine that small handful of students who arrive each year and realize within the first 24 hours that they want nothing more than to get the hell out of their arrangement as soon as possible. “We want the vast majority of matriculating students to have a relaxed, enjoyable freshman year, so we pair them with someone who has similar preferences and tendencies. However, from time to time we’ll go ahead and throw an asthmatic in with a chain-smoker, or an early riser with someone who plays loud music all night. It’s a real treat for us.” Zamojski added that if a student ever felt too uncomfortable in their living situation, they could always be reassigned to a new roommate who’s weird as fuck but at least tolerable.
Blogger Takes Few Moments Every Morning To Decide Whether To Feel Outraged, Incensed, Or Shocked By Day’s News #~# SYRACUSE, NY—Explaining that the routine has simply become a regular part of his workday, local blogger Daniel Garner told reporters Monday that he sets aside a few moments each morning to decide whether to feel outraged, incensed, or completely shocked by the day’s news. “Every day I wake up, head online, take a quick glance at what’s happening in the world, blatantly disregard most of it, and then carefully consider what type of overblown and sensationalist reaction I’ll use to frame my next blog post for my readers,” said Garner, describing the difficulty he faces daily when choosing between sputtering exasperation or blind, impotent rage as the overarching tone for each of his indignant, largely fabricated commentaries. “Sometimes I’ll focus in on a fleeting detail within a news story that can be completely blown out of proportion, and other times I’ll spew a sweeping torrent of bitter vitriol about the entire situation. Today, for example, I plan to rant about how we’re all morphing into poisonous zombies from the antibiotics administered to dairy cows by aliens—you know, deftly work in something alarmist about how the milk we drink is in fact white food coloring mixed with the tears of radioactive pandas—and tomorrow I might publish an enraged screed against something ultimately benign that I’ve dubbed ‘Big Fluoride.’ Or I might even dovetail these two latest sources of outrage into one large, shoddy conspiracy, if I can muster the offense. My readers might think that running a blog is easy, but it’s actually a complicated process that involves disposing of many facts and exercising a wide variety of fury.” The blogger added that he was thinking of hiring additional credible reporters by scanning the hyperbolic, uniformed comments left below his posts by equally irate readers.
U.S. Embassy Reopens In Cuba After 54 Years #~# The U.S. embassy in Havana reopened this morning for the first time since 1961, and the Cuban embassy began flying its flag once more in Washington, D.C., a formal demonstration of the countries’ restored diplomatic ties. What do you think?
If You Want To Date My Daughter, You’re Going To Have To Date Me First #~# As a father, I’ve always been very protective of my daughter. She’s the center of my universe, and I would do just about anything for her. And that means making sure that she only spends time with boys who treat her the way that she deserves to be treated. So let’s make one thing perfectly clear: If you want to date my daughter, that means you’re going to have to date me first.
Word ‘Millennials’ Forced Into Headline To Boost Pageviews #~# CHICAGO—Seeking to maximize the potential reach of their latest post, sources confirmed Thursday that the editors of news website The Daily Blotter managed to force the word “millennials”into the article’s headline in order to boost pageviews. “This post was about to go live when I realized that shoehorning the word ‘millennials’ into both the header and the lede somewhere would probably double the number of eyeballs we get on it, so I sent it back to the section editor for another pass,” senior editor Jeffrey Gein told reporters, noting that though the 400-word article concerning new workplace regulations has no connection whatsoever to the millennial demographic, he was nonetheless able to make the attractive, eye-catching term the first word in the headline. “Sometimes we’ll be having a pretty slow day, so I’ll toss a few ‘millennials’ into our feed so that we drum up some traffic. Of course, sometimes I’ll just do that anyway. As long as we get those click-throughs, I’m happy.” At press time, Gein had managed to garner even more pageviews for the post by shrewdly squeezing the terms “controversial,” “viral,” and “you won’t believe” into the headline as well.
Nephew Surprised By How Much Bigger Aunt Has Gotten Since Last Year #~# NEW ULM, MN—Admitting that he could hardly even recognize her, local 12-year-old Ethan Harrelson was reportedly surprised Monday by how much bigger his aunt Judy Stohl had gotten since the previous year. “Oh, my, look at you—you were just about half this size when I last saw you. What’s Uncle Peter feeding you over there?” said a visibly amazed Harrelson, adding that he could barely wrap his arms around his 56-year-old aunt to give her a hug. “Wow, looks like your old clothes are barely fitting you. At this rate, you’ll probably be as big as Grandpa the next time I see you!” At press time, Harrelson could be overheard marveling at how it looked like Stohl even had a bit of a mustache coming in.
Winchester Unveils New 9MM Stray Bullet Guaranteed To Hit Innocent Bystanders #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Touting the product’s ability to veer dramatically from the barrel of a handgun with impeccable precision, Winchester Repeating Arms officials unveiled a new 9mm stray bullet Monday that the company vows will hit innocent bystanders. “We are proud to bring our customers the first bullet with a truly off-course trajectory, which carries with it our 100 percent ironclad guarantee that it will strike a helpless onlooker every time it is fired,” said Winchester spokesperson Daniel Vignale, emphasizing that the ballistics of the 9mm bullet had been expertly designed to allow the ammunition to careen far from a sighted target and into a nearby crowd. “You can load a single 9mm Winchester stray bullet into a pistol or revolver and know for certain that it will become lodged in an unsuspecting victim, or at the very least graze a passerby. Or, simply fire off numerous rounds in any direction and riddle every innocent person in sight with errant bullets.” Vignale confirmed that the Winchester 9mm stray bullets were also suitable for police and military use.
Linguists Restore Pride In ‘Hillbilly’ Dialect #~# Seeking to eradicate stereotypes about Appalachian people and the way they talk, scholars and linguists are undergoing multiple projects to instill pride in those who speak the dialect, pointing to its particularities as strengths rather than weaknesses and reassuring those who feel pressured to adopt a non-regional accent. What do you think?
Anthropologists Unearth Possible Missing Link Between A- And B-List Celebrities #~# LOS ANGELES—In a groundbreaking discovery that could help shed light on the evolution of fame, anthropologists from UCLA announcedThursday that they had unearthed a potential missing link between A- and B-list celebrities. “Though such a link has been hypothesized for decades, our team was able to identify a possible transitional individual, which we discovered in a recent independent film, who appears to exist between big-name, bankable movie stars and the secondary tier of supporting and small-screen actors,” said lead researcher Heather Collins, noting that any evidence linking the leading cast of Avengers: Age Of Ultron to California’s most vaguely recognizable character actors could serve as a clue to how stars have ascended the Hollywood ranks over the ages. “When considering the highest apex celebrities, such as George Clooney or Meryl Streep, we must ask: What preceded them? This missing link could be the key to understanding how a small-time cable star or bit player in films might, over time, evolve the traits of superstardom and eventually emerge to dominate the box office. The better we understand how this evolution occurs, the better we can predict the changes we’ll see on the silver screen in the Oscars seasons ahead.” Collins added that despite their findings, no evolutionary theory had yet been posited that could explain the emergence of Tobey Maguire.
Black-Backed Jackals Seek Asylum In Wildlife Preserve As Preventative Measure #~# SKUKUZA, SOUTH AFRICA—Traveling hundreds of miles across the African continent in search of a safe haven, the world’s black-backed jackals began seeking asylum in Kruger National Park as a preventative measure, sources confirmed Friday. “Right now it’s not absolutely necessary for us to find sanctuary on protected land, but we’re hoping to get in early to mitigate some of the future damage,” said a male jackal, one of thousands of his species that have continued to pour into the park this week to join those already living there. “Obviously, we’d really prefer to continue living in our original territory, but we’ve reached the conclusion that it is simply not worth the risk. It’s probably better for all of us to come here now rather than wait 15 years when there are only 10 percent of us left.” At press time, however, other jackals had instead simply lain down to die, as there was no point in delaying the inevitable.
Google’s Self-Driving Car Linked To First Collision Injury #~# Minor injuries have been reported by test drivers after one of Google’s self-driving cars was rear-ended by another vehicle, leaving many to question the safety of autonomous vehicles, though Google reps say the accident demonstrates that distracted driving, not automation, is the biggest danger on the road. What do you think?
Man Sadly Realizes Cramped One-Bedroom Apartment Has Enough Space To Host Party With All His Friends #~# CHICAGO—Sighing as he scanned the room and performed a mental tally of everyone he would invite, local 26-year-old Andrew Bryer sadly realized that his cramped one-bedroom apartment has enough space to host a party with all of his friends, sources confirmed Friday. “There’s really nowhere to sit other than the futon and a couple of stools, but honestly that’s probably plenty of seating for my college friends and my friends from work,” said Bryer, adding that his narrow galley kitchen would provide “plenty” of additional square footage should he also invite a few neighbors from his apartment building or if some of his hometown friends were visiting. “I guess if all of them brought their friends it might get a bit crowded, but the little entryway area would still provide enough overflow room for everyone. Or I could just push the coffee table against the wall. Jeez, I could certainly host everybody, no problem.” After checking his fridge, Bryer told reporters he would definitely have to get a second 12-pack before ever having the party.
Child’s Description Of Heaven During Near-Death Experience Specifically Mentions Book Deal #~# NEW YORK—Speaking for the first time since waking from a medically induced coma following a devastating car accident, 8-year-old Aiden Miller recounted an extremely vivid near-death experience Friday that reportedly contained detailed descriptions of heaven, angels, and a six-figure book deal. “I was walking up in the clouds and met friends, and strangers, and all these famous people who talked with me about all kinds of things and brought up the possibility of selling the rights to my story to a big-name publisher,” said the second-grader, who attested that during the five-minute period in which his heart had stopped on the operating table, he ascended to a shining, golden paradise where he says he met with the archangel Gabriel and a literary agent who has helped a number of authors secure multi-book deals with lucrative worldwide book tours. “Jesus was sitting at the right hand of God and my grandfather was right there, and they looked at me and smiled at each other and said I should ask for an $80,000 advance with 10 percent of back-end profits.” Miller added that he felt a profound sense of peace and well-being when Jesus told him to go forth and seek a blockbuster deal for the movie rights.
Fresca Quietly Takes Control Of 18-34 Demographic In Daring Overnight Raid #~# ATLANTA—In a bold and highly coordinated predawn raid that has taken the marketing world by surprise, soft-drink brand Fresca reportedly seized control of the strategically valuable 18-to-34-year-old demographic early Tuesday. “At 0115 hours this morning, Fresca operatives forcibly took command of 97 percent of the nation’s most vital consumer segment,” said Fresca spokesperson April Flansberg, describing to reporters how strike units were deployed in cities throughout the country to overtake key strongholds formerly held by Apple, Timberland, Uber, and Pinkberry, among others. “They are all loyal to us now. By sundown, we will have secured the entire millennial demographic and ensured that Fresca is the number-one beverage choice of college students, recent graduates, and young professionals in both hip urban neighborhoods and affluent suburban areas.” Analysts described the campaign as the most audacious operation since 2013, when SodaStream captured young white couples with combined incomes between $90,000 and $160,000 in a bloody coup that left more than 1,500 marketing professionals dead.
Home Run Ball Travels 3,000 Miles To Birthplace At Rawlings Factory #~# TURRIALBA, COSTA RICA—Gliding through the sky as part of a time-honored excursion occurring every season, a home run ball hit out of Seattle’s Safeco Field completed a roughly 3,000-mile journey Friday to return to its birthplace at the Rawlings factory, sources confirmed. “Like scores of fellow baseballs, this home run ball has undertaken a long and arduous journey, leaving its comfortable dwelling in the Mariners’ ballpark to fly thousands of miles to the manufacturing plant in Costa Rica where it originated,” said Louisiana State University baseball migration expert Bill Hallerton, noting that the ball joined hundreds of others hit out of Busch Stadium, Progressive Field, and Comerica Park for the final 1,300-mile leg of its trek. “They all follow a familiar pattern every summer: departing their home stadiums, traversing the continental U.S., and then flying due south over the Gulf of Mexico. It’s pretty amazing when you think about it—no matter how far they have to travel, no matter how long and difficult their migration, the Rawlings baseballs always manage to find their way back home.” Hallerton added that upon reaching the grounds of the Rawlings factory, the ball quickly spawned thousands of new baseballs, the strongest of which will head north and arrive in time for the first day of spring training.
Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency #~# With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.
Former Auschwitz Guard Sentenced To 4 Years In Prison #~# Oskar Groening, a 94-year-old man known as the Accountant of Auschwitz due to his role in making the concentration camp profitable, was sentenced to four years in prison this week for his role in the deaths of 300,000 Hungarian Jews, a crime for which Groening apologized in court in a manner many felt to be insincere. What do you think?
World’s Oldest Sperm Discovered #~# While on an Antarctic search for evidence of small mammal bones, researchers inadvertently discovered the oldest animal sperm on record, a 50-million-year-old worm sperm inside a fossilized cocoon, though the sperm was broken into fragments and will be unable to shed light on the anatomy of the worm species. What do you think?
Report: Murderer Who Escaped In 1996 Remains Most Successful Case Of Prisoner Reintegration #~# ROSEBURG, WA—Noting that the fugitive has surpassed all expectations for former inmates, sources confirmed Thursday that local convicted murderer Corey Morris, who escaped from the Idaho State Correctional Center in 1996, remains the nation’s most successful case of prisoner reintegration. “By securing gainful employment under an assumed name and holding onto it for nearly two decades after breaking out, Mr. Morris has achieved more stability in his life than the vast majority of his peers,” said prison reform advocate Julie Benson, noting that the man who spent his first weeks of freedom hiding in the woods before altering his physical appearance and crossing into a different state has reacclimated to the outside world with unusual deftness. “Not only has Mr. Morris maintained a healthy relationship with his new wife and children and become an active member of the community, but he’s also attended classes at the local community college to earn an associate degree. He’s a total outlier among formerly incarcerated individuals.” At press time, Benson was reportedly counseling several prisoners to follow the good example set by Morris and get their lives back together by fleeing prison through a laundry chute. 
Toddler Unsettled By Whatever Possessed Her To Bite Friend’s Face #~# WESTON, CT—Visibly shocked and repulsed by her own behavior as she sat questioning the type of person she is deep down, unsettled 2-year-old Ellie Ritter admitted to reporters that she had no idea what compelled her to bite her friend on the face Thursday. “I honestly don’t know what came over me. I know Jacob took the train I was playing with, but I usually handle that kind of thing okay—but this time I…I bit him,” said a shaken and bewildered Ritter, sitting wide-eyed on a floor mat at her daycare as she vehemently asserted that she had no prior knowledge of this dark, disturbing place within her. “I mean, this is Jacob we’re talking about. He’s my friend, my playmate. And I just went straight for his forehead like an animal. Jesus, what is wrong with me?” At press time, the unnerved toddler was staring uneasily down at her trembling, fingerpaint-covered hands and contemplating what other horrors she was capable of.
Commerce Secretary Urges Nation To Get In On Piece Of The Action #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that if Americans want in on this they need to strike while the iron is hot, United States secretary of commerce Penny Pritzker on Thursday urged the nation to get a piece of the action. “Look, there’s loads of bread just waiting to be made here, but Americans need to act fast or you’re going to miss out big time,” said Pritzker, adding that she was offering citizens a chance to get in on the ground floor, while also stressing that the nation would need to get while the getting’s good. “The cash is just lying there on the table. You want to sit around while everyone else is raking it in? Come on, America, sweet action like this doesn’t come along every day. So, what’s it going to be—are you in or out?” Pritzker added that if the U.S. was too chickenshit to take advantage of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity like this, she would find some other nation that would.
Tips For Cheaper Airfare #~# Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying:
Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris #~# PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris. “Hands down THE best play in NFL history,” read a post left at 3:45 a.m. by YouTube user FHarris32, whose avatar appears to be a recent photo of Harris wearing his four Super Bowl rings on both hands. “This is what started the Steel Curtain dynasty and helped create one of the greatest teams of all-time. I still can’t believe I caught the ball like that after it was knocked down. Go Steelers!!!!” At press time, a long, largely incoherent rant disputing the “bullshit catch” had been posted by a YouTube account suspected to belong to former Oakland Raiders safety Jack Tatum.
Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen #~# ‘Fuck It, We’re Done,’ Say Scientists
FDA Delays Calorie Counts On Menus Until 2016 #~# Though the rule was initially proposed last November, the FDA is extending its deadline for restaurants to begin printing calorie counts beside menu items, delaying the regulations until December 2016 in a move that could potentially allow more time for the measure to be lobbied against. What do you think?
New OmniGrain Cheerios Made With Every Existing Grain On Earth #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Touting the product’s health benefits and lightly sweetened flavor, General Mills unveiled Wednesday its new OmniGrain Cheerios, which are made with every known grain on earth. “Our new OmniGrain Cheerios feature the delicious, nutritious taste of 337,000 different whole grains gathered from every biome on the planet,” said company spokeswoman Karen Elston, noting that General Mills spent over 10 years locating, cataloging, and then harvesting grains on every continent, including several now-extinct varieties that were extracted from amber and permafrost. “Whether starting off your morning or enjoying an afternoon or late-night snack, you’ll love the rich texture provided by OmniGrain Cheerios’ distinctive blend of every single type of grain in existence, from the commonplace Australian barley to the previously undocumented Southern blue quinoa, which was recorded by the ancient Inca but was only recently rediscovered by our Cheerios harvest team when scouring the high slopes of Huayna Picchu.” According to Elston, General Mills is also currently developing a new line of Yoplait Ultrabiotic yogurt that consists solely of billions of live bacteria with no dairy product.
Climate Change Causing Bumblebee Die-Off #~# A new study has found that the global bumblebee population is declining rapidly and entire species of the pollinating insect are dying out, a phenomenon largely attributed to pesticide use and climate change that threatens the world’s food supply. What do you think?
Parents Dedicate New College Safe Space In Honor Of Daughter Who Felt Weird In Class Once #~# LYNNFIELD, MA—In an effort to provide sanctuary for Lynnfield College students exposed to perspectives different from their own, a new campus safe space was dedicated Wednesday in honor of Alexis Stigmore, a 2009 graduate who felt kind of weird in class one time.
Disneyland Turns 60: A Look Back #~# The Disneyland Resort opened its gates 60 years ago this July in Anaheim, CA, where it has delighted park patrons for decades with its iconic rides and ability to bring Disney’s animated films to life. The Onion looks back at some of the milestone moments in the park’s history:
Hungover Man Horrified To Learn He Made Dozens Of Plans Last Night #~# NEW YORK—Following an evening of heavy drinking at local bar McGuire’s Tavern, 32-year-old Peter Larsen reportedly awoke with a hangover Wednesday and was horrified to discover he had made dozens of plans the previous night. “Oh, God, I can’t believe I said I’d get lunch with Emily and told Scott that I’d hang out next weekend,” said Larsen, rubbing his temples and lamenting that he never should have let himself get so out of control and recklessly commit to numerous social obligations. “I just hope I didn’t say anything stupid to someone from work about how I’d love to catch the new Fantastic Four with them when it comes out. It’s bad enough that I kept going on and on to Jeff about going on a camping trip together in August.” At press time, Larsen had reportedly resolved that in the future, he would stop drinking as soon as he noticed himself beginning to talk loudly about going in together on a beach house rental on Long Island.
New Airline Seats Would Place Passengers Face-To-Face #~# With airlines seeking to profit from increased plane capacity, a newly patented design eschews the typical row configuration and places passengers facing one another on seats that can flip up for easier exiting, an idea that many are calling a potential “nightmare” for air travel. What do you think?
Federal League Once Again Snubbed By MLB All-Star Game #~# CINCINNATI—Saying that the annual event feels incomplete without them, baseball fans across the nation expressed their outrage Tuesday after the Federal League was once again snubbed by the MLB All-Star Game. “To be perfectly frank, it is indefensible that another All-Star Game is going to take place without a single player from the Federal League,” said ESPN baseball analyst Tim Kurkjian, adding that the eight talent-laden FL teams will go unrepresented during the festivities for the 86th consecutive time, with even the defending champion Chicago Whales being egregiously overlooked. “Doc Addington is batting .339 for the [Newark] Peppers, while Brixton Murphy and his 68 RBIs have single-handedly kept the Brooklyn Tip-Tops in playoff contention, and baseball lovers deserve to see them face the best arms in the Majors. Of course, after pitching 190 strikeouts underhand during the first half of the season, Dutch Cooper has also earned himself a moment on the big stage.” Kurkjian further highlighted the illegitimacy of the All-Star selection process by noting that the game will inexplicably include a player from the Philadelphia Phillies.
Walmart Announces Sales To Rival Amazon Prime Day #~# After Amazon announced it would celebrate its 20th anniversary on July 15 with a massive sales event called Prime Day, Walmart has responded that it too will launch an online sale this Wednesday, complete with “special atomic deals” and expanded free shipping options. What do you think?
What We’ve Learned About Pluto #~# Nearly 10 years after its launch, the New Horizons space probe made a flyby 7,750 miles from Pluto, marking the first time in history a spacecraft has examined the dwarf planet up close, and NASA has begun to release data and images transmitted from the approach. Here’s what we’ve learned about Pluto so far:
U.S. Soothes Upset Netanyahu With Shipment Of Ballistic Missiles #~# WASHINGTON—Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles. “Bibi always gets a little cranky when he sees us talking to Iran, but a few dozen short-range surface-to-surface missiles usually cheer him right up,” said State Department spokesperson Daniel Goldman, adding that the shipment of MGM-140 ATACMS missiles should be enough to settle the sullen Israeli leader down at least for the deal’s crucial early implementation stages. “Of course, we try not to spoil him by giving him a whole new tactical ballistics delivery system every single time he throws a fit, but our guy’s pretty good at getting his way. At least we’ll have a couple months of peace and quiet around here.” Goldman went on to say that the U.S. was saving its shipment of missile defense system components in case Netanyahu got worked up during Israel-Palestine peace negotiations later this year.
The Case For And Against The Iranian Nuclear Deal #~# After 20 months of negotiations, the United States and five other nations reached a historic, though controversial, agreement with Iran yesterday that will remove sanctions against the Middle Eastern nation in exchange for limits on the country’s production of nuclear material. Here are the leading arguments for and against the deal:
Harper Lee Announces Third Novel, ‘My Excellent Caretaker Deserves My Entire Fortune’ #~# NEW YORK—Shocking the literary world once again, acclaimed author Harper Lee announced through her publisher Tuesday the surprise release of her third novel, My Excellent Caretaker Deserves My Entire Fortune. “On behalf of Ms. Lee, we’re delighted to bring the public this moving new story, which follows the heartwarming relationship between a deaf and nearly blind author in the small-town South and the extremely kind and attentive caretaker to whom she wills every penny of her $45 million estate,” said HarperCollins president Michael Morrison, adding that the 185-page tale vividly brings to life the setting of a present-day assisted living facility in Monroeville, AL, where an 89-year-old protagonist named Harper comes to the life-changing decision to hand over all the money in her bank account, her property, and all future proceeds from the books she has published to her extremely upstanding and unselfish friend and lawyer, Tonja. “This is a triumphant and uplifting tale of dedicated, exemplary caregiving and the substantial monetary bequest it inspires, told by one of America’s greatest living writers. Readers will be deeply touched by the heroine’s stirring reflections on human warmth and her repeated assertions that she is mentally competent and fit to make her own legal decisions.” Morrison added that, without spoiling too much, he could reveal that the book’s final pages feature a fully notarized last will and testament signed by the author herself.
I Will Drink Every Last Drop Of Water On Earth #~# I have a great thirst. An all-encompassing, unimaginable thirst. A thirst so deep and so strong it can never be quenched. But that does not mean I will not do everything in my power to slake my immense, insatiable craving.
CDC: Cuddling Chickens Leads To Salmonella #~# With nearly 200 people in 40 states currently affected by a salmonella outbreak, the CDC is attributing the spread of the illness to people kissing and cuddling with live poultry like chickens and ducklings, actions that greatly increase the risk of infection in humans. What do you think?
Palestinian Man Marvels At How Much Childhood Refugee Camp Has Changed #~# AL-SHATI, GAZA STRIP—Saying he hardly recognized some of the makeshift buildings and piles of rubble he played in as a child, Gaza native Ramzy Abu-Dhubah told reporters Tuesday he was struck by how much the refugee camp he grew up in has changed over the years.
Report: Mom Would Rather Sit Here And Watch You Guys Have Fun #~# CROWN POINT, IN—Saying she was happy to find a nice shady spot to sit while everyone else went on the ride, local mother Molly Costello announced Tuesday that she would rather just stay right here and watch her family have fun. “Oh, go, go, go, I just like to see you guys having a good time,” said Costello, waving off her husband and three children and reassuring them that she would be right here with everyone’s towels when they got off the tube slide at Deep River Waterpark. “I think I’ll be able to see you coming down the big drop from here. That’s plenty of excitement for me.” At press time, Costello was scrambling to grab her camera as her two oldest sons emerged from the mouth of the waterslide and tumbled into the pool.
Prison Warden Vows To Take Away El Chapo’s Tunnel Privileges If Captured #~# ALMOLOYA DE JUAREZ, MEXICO—Following the drug kingpin’s recent escape from the maximum security facility, Arturo Terrazas, warden of the Altiplano prison in central Mexico, vowed Monday to take away Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman’s tunnel privileges if he is captured. “Here at Altiplano, prisoners must earn their access to any of our mile-long electrically lit and ventilated subterranean passageways, and I can assure you that Mr. Guzman will be forfeiting this right once he is taken into custody and reincarcerated,” Terrazas told reporters, adding that Guzman will also be expressly prohibited from renting out any power tools or dollies from the prison workshop as part of the additional punitive measures he will face if he is apprehended. “Mr. Guzman will need to establish a long track record of good behavior before we even consider reinstating his daily visits to the tunnel system that connects the prison grounds with various homes surrounding the complex. Of course, even then we will restrict him to 60-minute sessions conducted after the rest of our resident population has finished using the underground corridors themselves.” Terrazas concluded that, while Guzman must be disciplined, he believes it would be inhumane to also deprive the cartel leader of his ventilation duct hours. 
Mexican Drug Lord Escapes Prison #~# Imprisoned in Mexico since February 2014, notorious drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman has escaped from his cell via a mile-long tunnel dug out beneath his shower, angering U.S. officials who previously requested Guzman’s extradition to prevent such a scenario. What do you think?
Hillary Clinton Suspended 3 Weeks By FEC For Spitting On Volunteer #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Hoping to send a message that this type of behavior would not be tolerated on the campaign trail, the Federal Election Commission announced Thursday that it had suspended Hillary Clinton for three weeks for spitting on one of her campaign volunteers. “We are extremely disappointed in Ms. Clinton’s decision to spit directly in the face of an unpaid volunteer who misplaced her daily itinerary, and we have determined that she is to be prohibited from engaging in any campaign-related activities from July 14 to August 4, 2015,” said FEC chair Ann M. Ravel, adding that the presidential hopeful would not be allowed to enter her headquarters or any other Hillary For America facilities as part of her punishment. “During her suspension, Ms. Clinton may not have any form of contact with members of her team, and she will also be expected to pay a $15,000 fine to the Commission. We hope that she uses this time to consider how her actions reflect on the electoral system, as well as the expectations that come with the privilege of running in this race.” Ravel added that their ruling took into consideration Clinton’s history of campaign misconduct, including an incident in 2008 when she was ejected from a Democratic primary debate after headbutting moderator Charles Gibson.
Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio #~# MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant. “Oh, no, I’m okay,” said the octogenarian, assuring her family members that she was “having a nice time” as she boldly persevered through the direct afternoon sunlight. “I’ll just have an iced tea. That’s all I want. You enjoy your meals.” At press time, McGilvery had reportedly begun shivering as a solitary cloud drifted in front of the sun.
Candidate Profile: Scott Walker #~# Wisconsin governor Scott Walker formally announced Monday that he will run for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, bringing one of the frontrunners in early polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Walker:
Trip To Office Kitchen Hastily Altered To Trip To Bathroom To Evade Despised Coworker #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Hoping the detour would ensure he never so much as exchanged one word with that prick from accounting, Peak Industries employee Brian Dahl hastily changed his trip to the kitchen into a trip to the bathroom in order to avoid a despised coworker, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh, shit, it’s Alex—okay, I’ll just head to the bathroom real quick and wash my hands for a minute or two,” the 35-year-old project manager reportedly said to himself after catching sight of his hated colleague making tea, prompting him to swiftly alter his course and veer toward the men’s room door. “If he’s still there when I get out, then the question becomes whether I try to slip by him long enough to grab my lunch out of the fridge or swing by Katie’s cubicle to chat with her until I’m sure he’s gone. Or maybe I just go back to my desk and start the kitchen thing over from scratch in 10 minutes.” At press time, Dahl was angrily washing his hands while his obnoxious supervisor talked to him from a nearby urinal.
Study: ‘Real’ Vampires Deserve Proper Treatment #~# By interviewing self-identified “vampires,” or those who habitually drink blood, researchers at the Center for Positive Sexuality in Los Angeles have found that vampires are afraid to disclose their lifestyle to doctors or therapists, and therefore recommend that those providing treatment to this community be trained to respond without ostracizing them. What do you think?
Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child #~# GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie. “After a careful analysis of our prospective returns, we have opted to reassign all of our hopes and dreams for the future from our firstborn to our second child, effective as of 9 a.m. this morning,” said Beth Morgan, who claimed that their 16-year-old son’s inadequate progress in areas such as effective decision-making and academic achievement were the catalyst for his removal as the recipient of their emotional investment. “While we thank Jeremy for his years as the primary bearer of our expectations, in the long run we feel Angie is the right choice to attain professional success and relationship stability, give us grandchildren, and ultimately, provide us the parental satisfaction we have been looking for.” The Morgans added that although they no longer retain any stake in Jeremy’s future, he will be kept on for several years to serve as an example to Angie to deter any potential waste of resources.
Large-Scale Government Data Breach Affects 21 Million #~# Though they had originally estimated a much lower impact, investigators now believe that up to 21.5 million Americans’ personal information has been compromised by a data breach within the Office of Personnel Management, leading OPM director Katherine Archuleta to resign. What do you think?
Doctor Makes Half-Hearted Alternative Suggestions Before Handing Over Drugs #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Rapidly running through a list of non-pharmaceutical options that might resolve his patient’s anxiety issues, local physician Alan Caplan offered a series of half-hearted alternatives Friday before handing out drugs. “You could consider various lifestyle changes such as eating better and exercising more,” said Caplan, even as he uncapped his pen and reached for his prescription pad. “Some people try meditation to help them relax.” At press time, Caplan had fallen totally silent as he scribbled the dosage instructions for the anti-anxiety medication Cymbalta.
Study: Mammograms Less Effective Than Previously Thought #~# Though mammograms have been widely considered essential, lifesaving preventative measures, a new investigation of cancer data has concluded that they actually lead to overdiagnosis and mostly confirm the existence of small, benign tumors rather than spotting fatal cancer at earlier or more manageable stages. What do you think?
Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son #~# ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter. “I’m really sorry I snapped at you earlier, Chris—you aren’t the one who deserves it,” said Kessler, admitting he overreacted by losing his temper and berating the 16-year-old instead of his lazy and useless elder sibling. “I was totally out of line when I was screaming at someone other than Peter. There’s really no excuse for me to treat anyone except for your good-for-nothing brother that way. I promise it will never happen again.” Following the apology to his youngest son, sources confirmed that a sentimental Kessler told his assembled family members he was very proud of all but one of them.
Report: Nation’s Ditches Overflowing With Children Of Worried Parents #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that in most places they are piled up 5 or 6 feet high, a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center revealed that every one of the country’s ditches is currently overflowing with the children of worried parents. “Following an exhaustive survey of ditches and gutters across the U.S., we found that every single one is presently filled beyond capacity with young children whose mothers and fathers are, at this moment, wondering where their kids are and when they’ll be back home,” said lead researcher Alicia Smith, noting that of the millions of 4- to 10-year-olds nationwide who had been allowed to play unsupervised in the backyard for a few minutes, bike to a nearby convenience store, or walk to a friend’s house just across the street, virtually all of them are now wedged in between countless others in a muddy, filth-strewn drainage culvert. “Given the overwhelming quantity of kids lying facedown beside our nation’s roadways, it is essentially guaranteed that if your child has been out of your eyesight for even a minute, then he or she is already four or five bodies deep alongside a remote stretch of highway or unlit country road.” The report urged the nation to address the issue soon, as the sheer number of children in ditches meant they would likely begin spilling out into streets in the coming days.
South Carolina Votes To Remove Confederate Flag #~# Following an emotional debate in the South Carolina House of Representatives, a bill to remove the Confederate flag from the state house grounds was passed by a vote of 94 to 20, despite numerous proposed amendments to delay its passage put forth by the flag’s supporters. What do you think?
How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers #~# The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:
Area Man’s Favorite Things All Types Of Meat #~# MT. HOREB, WI—Enumerating what he admitted was quite a wide array of interests, local man Thomas Hoyer revealed to reporters Thursday that his favorite things are all types of meat. “I really think people should try to live life to the fullest and focus on what they love most—for me, that’s a nice marbled steak, buffalo wings, pulled pork, and breakfast sausage,” said Hoyer, who bypassed such common categories of interests as spending time with loved ones, traveling, and viewing various forms entertainment in favor of pastimes that included spiral-sliced ham and several types of ribs. “And nothing beats a good burger, or a beer-simmered bratwurst, or a perfect medium-rare sirloin, or sirloin tips. And gyros, thick-cut bacon, and salami—oh, and lamb. Lobster tails, too.” At press time, Hoyer added, “Jamaican jerk chicken.”
55-Year-Old Guy Dominating YMCA Pickup Basketball Game #~# CINCINNATI—Surprising many with his impeccable fundamentals and intense style of play, sources at the Elm Street YMCA confirmed Thursday that a 55-year-old man is absolutely dominating the competition at the gym’s evening pickup basketball game.
Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts #~# SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts. “That motorcyclist looked like a total loss when they brought it in here, but we were surprised by how many usable parts we were able to save,” said Donald Hill, who led the salvage efforts, adding that despite extensive damage to its exterior and a pair of entirely demolished kidneys, he and his team managed to reclaim a couple decent lungs and a cornea that still worked “like a charm.” “The wreck really mangled that biker, but we might be able to fix that leaky heart valve and get some good use out of it. Unfortunately, the rest is so scraped up and damaged that all we can do is cart it out to the yard with all the other completely totaled ones.” At press time, Hill was baffled by how the motorcyclist had even managed to drive around with a liver in such bad shape.
Breaking: Flight Attendant Currently Attempting To Pass Cup Of Cranberry Juice Over Your Laptop #~# ATLANTA—Casually holding the drink between her index finger and thumb, a Delta Airlines flight attendant is at this moment trying to pass a cup of cranberry juice over your laptop, sources aboard the aircraft have confirmed. The plastic receptacle, which is filled nearly to the brim and rippling due to mild turbulence, is reportedly being extended across your expensive and relatively new laptop in the direction of the person seated next to you, who is currently nodding off and unaware his beverage has arrived. As the flight attendant leans in, dangling the juice above the computer containing work files and family photos you have not backed up anywhere else, witnesses are reporting that a passenger two seats behind you is trying to squeeze by both her and the beverage cart. Sources added that all of this is happening as the plane speeds at 500 miles per hour 40,000 feet above the earth. At press time, the person next to you was seen attempting to accept the drink and pass back a credit card with the same hand. 
Heroin Use On Rise In U.S. #~# A new CDC report found that heroin use in the United States has surged dramatically in the past decade, up 150 percent between 2007 and 2013, and suggested that excessive painkiller prescriptions are to blame for the rise in heroin addiction and abuse. What do you think?
Informal Tone Of Cover Letter Sets Job Applicant Apart From Seriously Considered Candidates #~# MILPITAS, CA—Saying his casual writing style made him “stand out immediately,” sources at Redding Media reported Monday that the informal tone of Michael Yanover’s job application had set him apart from the candidates under serious consideration. “As soon as I read his cover letter greeting of ‘Hey there,’ I could tell Michael was much different from the applicants we’ve brought in for interviews so far,” said head recruiter Anne Peabody, adding that Yanover had quickly captured her attention with the line “This job and me are meant for each other.” “I didn’t even have to get all the way to the end—after he called himself a ‘social media maven’ and a ‘certified data junkie,’ I fast-tracked his résumé to a separate pile reserved for people we won’t be getting back to.” At press time, Peabody had reportedly given Yanover’s application a second look, deciding it was worth forwarding around to the entire office.
The Pros And Cons Of Flying The Confederate Flag #~# A South Carolina bill to remove the Confederate flag from its position in front of the state house is gaining momentum, with the House of Representatives currently reviewing the bill and preparing to vote. Here are the pros and cons of flying the Confederate flag:
Russian Police Advocate ‘Safe Selfies’ #~# Following a number of fatal accidents, Russia’s police force released a brochure urging citizens to take precautions while photographing themselves to avoid injury or death, warning against posing with animals and on rooftops. What do you think?
Making The Most Of Your Summer Camp Experience #~# The height of summer sees children of all ages heading off to summer camps across the country, most of whom arrive with a mix of excitement, homesickness, and anticipation. The Onion tells you how to get the most out of the experience:
Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace #~# SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace. “Even if you work full-time and are busy raising a family, Enterprise College’s flexible courses make it easy to get back to school and take out enough student loans to completely devastate your personal finances for years to come,” said spokesperson Kerri Williams, describing how the for-profit college accommodates those who prefer to rack up their overwhelming debt a few thousand dollars at a time as well as those who would rather just plunge $30,000 into the red in two short years. “At Enterprise College, you can take as long as you need to acquire your impossible-to-shoulder burden, and with more than 180 degrees offered completely online, it’s easier than ever to slip into complete destitution from the comfort of your own home.” Williams went on to state that regardless of the rate at which students accumulate debt, the sooner they enroll, the sooner they can begin defaulting on their loans and having their wages garnished by the government.
Study: Majority Of Baseball Games Between Twins, A’s #~# LINCOLN, NE—According to a comprehensive new study published Wednesday by the University of Nebraska, the vast majority of Major League Baseball games are played between the Minnesota Twins and the Oakland Athletics. “Our research has conclusively shown that out of the entirety of professional baseball games held in the United States, over 85 percent are regular-season matchups between the Twins and the A’s,” said lead researcher Alex Morrell, adding that virtually every MLB game over the past 40 years has pitted the A’s against the Twins in Minneapolis. “If you were to, say, choose any game throughout the week at random, there’s an overwhelming probability that you would see A’s pitcher Sonny Gray starting on the mound, with Brian Dozier leading off for the Twins.” Morrell added that of the small remaining percentage of major league games, none whatsoever involve the San Diego Padres.
Researchers: People Age At Different Rates #~# Analyzing factors such as subjects’ cholesterol and kidney function, a Duke University study determined that there is a wide range in the rate of aging among individual humans, with the average person’s “biological age” advancing 1.2 years per calendar year and in some cases much faster than that. What do you think?
How Greece Can Solve Its Debt Crisis #~# Currently in negotiations with the European Central Bank, Greece faces an uncertain future as it attempts to prevent financial collapse in the midst of its debt crisis. Here are some potential ways Greece could solve its economic woes:
Bankers Fired Over Fake ISIS Beheading Video #~# Six HSBC employees were fired this week after posting an Instagram video of what was referred to as a “team-building exercise” depicting themselves dressed as ISIS militants executing a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, brandishing a coat hanger as if it were a weapon and laughing. What do you think?
ZZ Top Reveals Meaning Behind Classic Song ‘Legs’ #~# HOUSTON—More than three decades after the song was a chart-topping smash and became an instant classic-rock staple, ZZ Top finally revealed to fans Tuesday the meaning behind its iconic hit “Legs.” “People have been coming up with all these crazy interpretations for 30 years, so we’ve finally decided to just come out and say that the song’s about a woman’s sexy legs and how much they make us want her sexually,” said lead vocalist Billy Gibbons, acknowledging that spelling out the meaning of “Legs” might take away from its longstanding mystique. “If the song means something else to you, that’s still cool, but there were lots of people who wanted to know what we were driving at.” Gibbons went on to say, however, that most of ZZ Top’s songs, such as the anti-apartheid anthem “Tush,” were pretty straightforward.
Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska. “Though native to certain Mid-Atlantic states, this rapidly multiplying franchise poses a grave threat to the existing diversity of budget-friendly family dining options throughout the central United States, and if left unchecked could have a lasting, adverse impact on local fast-food chains,” said BCP spokesperson Erica Wilcox, adding that the non-native lunch and dinner establishment could be identified by its large size, bright red-and-orange brand coloring, and its distinctive Tex-Mex spin on traditional American fare. “We are working hard to contain this outbreak to the affected area around exit 451 to ensure this culinary menace does not spread any further west to vulnerable locations such as Elkhorn or the Oak View Mall. Let me be clear: With its formidable entrée selection and its Dollar Loco Menu, this fast-casual southwestern grill has the potential to overrun dozens of indigenous restaurants across the I-80 corridor.” Wilcox added that her agency might have no choice but to unleash a larger predatory franchise into the area, such as Chipotle or Panera Bread, in order to drive the invasive eatery out of the region for good.
Comic-Con Survival Guide #~# San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference:
New York City Abuzz Over New Resident #~# NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.
Man Desperately Trying To Wring Every Last Ounce Of Relaxation From Final Day Of Vacation #~# ELKHART, IN—Saying even the tiniest moment of leisure counted, local man Brian Rabe told reporters Sunday that he was attempting to wring every last drop of relaxation from the single day that remained of his time off from work. “My four-day weekend’s almost done, so I just need to really dig in and focus on taking it as easy as humanly possible,” said Rabe, adding that if he stayed up later than usual, he could probably cram in half a season of Daredevil on Netflix. “I already made the mistake of opening a work email, and I can’t get sidetracked like that again. I’m going to read a book—better yet, read it outside so I don’t have to do a separate activity to get some sun—then move straight to video games.” At press time, Rabe had spent at least a third of his day hopelessly distracted by his dread of returning to the office.
Grateful Dead Farewell Tour Draws Record Crowd #~# The four surviving original members of the Grateful Dead concluded their farewell tour in Chicago Sunday night, drawing over 70,000 fans to Soldier Field for each of their three final performances and shattering the venue’s single-day attendance record previously held by U2. What do you think?
Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle #~# NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage. Trump’s inflammatory comments have reportedly prompted NBC to drop the event from its schedule and sparked a number of debates regarding decency and propriety, none of which were said to include placing women onstage and assigning them a number corresponding to their physical appearance. Sources went on to note that lining up 50 bikini-clad women so that millions of viewers could scrutinize their bodies and make their own ratings that they could then compare to the scores of the official judges was, for some reason, completely absent in the recent controversy, which instead focused wholly on whether the spectacle should be shown on a major broadcast network. Sources later confirmed that the pageant will now air on independent cable channel Reelz, which has declared its intention to preserve what is, evidently, an entirely unalarming American tradition.
U.S. Wins Women’s World Cup #~# The United States took home the FIFA Women’s World Cup trophy Sunday night in Vancouver after a decisive 5-2 victory over Japan, making history as the first team to win the title three times. What do you think?
Trump Tells Iowa Dairy Farmers He Has Cows 500 Times Bigger Than Theirs #~# ARNOLDS PARK, IA—Appearing at a campaign event in the early primary state, real estate mogul and presidential candidate Donald Trump told an assembled group of dairy farmers Monday that his cows were 500 times bigger than theirs. “Your cows are small and scrawny, and you should be embarrassed to milk them,” said Trump, adding that each of his cows was the size of “at least” a dozen Cadillacs and had “udders that’ll make your head spin.” “No one raises dairy cows as gigantic or successful as I do; everyone knows that. My cattle are winners, and you people would be lucky to have them graze here.” Chatting with patrons at a diner later in the day, Trump reportedly said the apple pie was a disgrace and that his pies were a mile wide, with a perfect crust that made all the losers jealous.
Authorities Warn Away Fans At Dodger Stadium To Always Wear Team-Neutral Body Armor #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to prevent violent confrontations between spectators during home games, Los Angeles law enforcement officials released a statement Tuesday warning all away fans at Dodger Stadium to always wear team-neutral body armor. “We strongly advise any visiting fans attending Dodgers games to avoid wearing Kevlar vests and ballistic face masks featuring colors of the away team,” said LAPD chief Charlie Beck, adding that anyone donning aramid helmets with an opposing team’s logo are increasing their chances of a dispute with home fans during or immediately after the game. “The safest option is to simply wear either a plain white or plain black military-grade, hard-plate reinforced bodysuit to ensure that you can safely enjoy the game and then get into your armored vehicle and drive home without any issues.” Beck added that stadium stewards maintain the right to ask any spectators sitting behind home plate to cover up opposing team logos with a Dodgers riot shield.
Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant #~# GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery. “My doctor says it should work exactly the same as any other heart—it has the same valves, same ventricles, same everything,” said Palmero, adding that from what he understands, aside from lacking any branding, the heart he’s receiving is essentially identical to the more expensive ones. “Frankly, as long as it keeps on beating, I don’t care where it’s from. All of these hearts are made of the same cardiac muscle anyway. Myocardium is myocardium, plain and simple.” Palmero went on to state that he was just relieved his insurance would cover a generic heart, noting that two years ago he had been forced to purchase a cheap Mexican lung online.
Report: One In Three Americans Will Get Dessert If Someone Else Does #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that many of those surveyed reported feeling kind of full but could “probably make room” for ice cream or pie, a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that nearly a third of Americans would be willing to get dessert if someone else does. “Our research has revealed that one in three U.S. citizens is open to taking a look at the dessert menu if at least one other person in their party would consider it as well,” said lead researcher Gail Erickson, adding that an additional 25 percent of Americans admitted that, if someone ended up ordering the flourless chocolate cake or the tiramisu, they would have a bite. “However, we discovered that in situations where no one else expresses an interest in trying out the house specialty or splitting a slice of strawberry cheesecake, the likelihood of anyone at the table ordering dessert effectively drops to zero.” Erickson added that 98 percent of Americans who abstain from dessert had to admit that what everyone else got looks pretty good.
‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating #~# BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating. “Based on the way they keep smiling at each other, it’s pretty obvious something’s going on there,” said Athens, GA resident Paul Nevins, 37, adding that the hosts were openly flirting with each other throughout the “Top 10 Plays” countdown, with Barrie at one point mentioning how cute Anderson looked in his suit today. “They must have taken a trip to Florida together, because they couldn’t stop bringing up some weekend getaway during a segment on the Marlins. Then when Anderson threw to Barrie before the next story, I swear I heard him say, ‘Thanks, honey.’ I’m pretty sure they’re playing footsie underneath that SportsCenter desk, too.” At press time, Anderson and Barrie could be seen holding hands as the broadcast returned from commercial.
Female Friend Group Fails In One Duty Of Providing Good Gynecologist Recommendation #~# CHICAGO—Completely embarrassing themselves in a pitiful display of collective ineptitude, a group of five female friends who gathered for happy hour Monday reportedly failed in their sole duty of providing a recommendation for a good gynecologist when asked for one by a new acquaintance who had recently moved to the area. “Yeah, I can’t really think of anyone,” said local woman Mary Goertz, echoing the sentiment of the four other total fuckups who, instead of completing the simple task of producing the name and location of a dependable women’s health specialist in their city, completely shit the bed and floundered around like useless imbeciles. “I think my coworker has a decent one. Maybe you should check online reviews or something.” At press time, a group of female friends at a nearby table who had overheard the conversation put the total failures in their place by serving up a “really great” gynecologist in two fucking seconds.
Scientists Find Human Vocal Cords Developed Over Millennia To Lower Voice When Speculating On Acquaintance’s Sexual Orientation #~# MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Tracing the unique behavior back to the dawn of civilization, researchers at Monash University announced Wednesday that lowering one’s voice to discuss a person’s sexual orientation is a physiological trait that evolved in humans over thousands of years. “The fossil record shows the human larynx completing a transformation around 11,000 years ago, which coincides with the time period when Homo sapiens appear to have begun speculating about their fellow clan members’ sexual preferences in fevered whispers,” said Dr. Raif Gonzales, who added that evidence from archaeological sites in the Indus valley suggests that, around this time, ancient humans developed the ability to gather in small groups to privately discuss their friends and neighbors, sneak glances over their shoulders, and drop their voices to a hushed, barely audible level when intoning the word “gay.” “Recently unearthed fragments of skull bones suggest eyebrow-raising evolved during this period for much the same purpose. While these are largely vestigial traits nowadays, they are reminders of our ancestors’ evolutionary tendency to keep this kind of information hush-hush.” Researchers stressed that the behavior of lowering one’s voice should not be confused with the ability to speak in loud, accusatory tones about a person’s sexual orientation, a phenomenon that can be traced back to the first proto-linguistic bellows of angry, insecure primates.
Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar #~# TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported. “One second I was having a pleasant round of beers with friends, and the next we were surrounded on all sides by these frightening women in identical pink and white regalia who were wildly waving their feather boas in our faces—it all happened so fast,” said visibly traumatized customer Lee Gangridge, who reportedly hid in a corner booth as over a dozen young stiletto-clad women sporting the same glittery sashes, phallic plastic necklaces, and sparkling tiaras seized control of the entire line of barstools. “One of them was clearly their leader—she was wearing all white and had a pink tulle veil clipped into her hair to signify her rank. And when her favorite song came over the speakers, she signaled her approval to her subjects, and they all started shrieking in compliance. They started to become more forceful and unpredictable after their tequila shots arrived, at which point I knew I had to take a chance and try to slip past them and escape out the back door.” At press time, the jubilant horde had reportedly taken the establishment’s bartender hostage, forcing him to pose in humiliating photos with the entire group.
Mt. McKinley To Be Renamed Denali #~# As part of his visit to Alaska this week, President Obama will officially change the name of Mt. McKinley back to its original and native name, Denali, a decision praised by Alaska residents who have long fought for the name reversal. What do you think?
Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams #~# Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?
Ted Cruz Worried All The Good Countries To Wall Off Taken By Other Candidates #~# TIPTON, IA—Following Gov. Scott Walker’s recent endorsement of building a fence along the Canadian border, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly worried Monday that all the good foreign countries to wall off from the U.S. had already been taken by other GOP candidates. “Sheesh, the rest of the guys snatched up the best countries right away and now all that’s left to barricade ourselves off from are a few crummy islands,” said Cruz, who appeared visibly distressed upon realizing that, in order to gain attention on the issue of immigration, he was now stuck with backing a plan to build a U.S. border wall in the middle of the Caribbean Sea to keep out undocumented Bahamian citizens. “Boy, I should have jumped on a better option when I still had the chance—it’s down to slim pickings now. Hmm, maybe I can say it would be in the best interests of Americans to build a steel barrier across the Bering Strait to prevent Russian criminals from entering Alaska. That doesn’t sound so bad.”At press time, sources confirmed that Cruz reassured himself that there were still plenty of decent options among minority groups that he could tear into for causing all of the nation’s woes.
Santorum Nostalgic For Time When Beliefs Were Outlandish Enough To Make Headlines #~# WASHINGTON—Wistfully recalling the prominence he had in previous campaign cycles, Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told reporters Monday that he is nostalgic for a time when his beliefs were considered outlandish enough to make headlines. “I sure do miss the days when I could steal the spotlight just by saying that I believe birth control is wrong because sex must be procreative, or that Palestinians don’t actually exist,” said Santorum, lamenting that previous comments about not wanting to improve the lives of African Americans by “giving them somebody else’s money” made him sound like just another member of the 2016 GOP pack. “Back in 2003, capturing the media cycle for a few days was as easy as telling the press that I believe same-sex relationships are equivalent to man-on-dog sex. Now, even if that got reported, people would think it was Cruz, Rubio, or Carson half the time.” Santorum added that he was somewhat envious of fellow candidate Mike Huckabee, who had briefly garnered press attention by stating that a 10-year-old raped by her stepfather should be denied an abortion.
Pope Cleans Up Dead Angel Who Flew Into Sistine Chapel Window #~# VATICAN CITY—Hurrying outside after hearing a disturbingly loud thud against the side of the church, Pope Francis was reportedly left to clean up the remains of a dead angel Monday that flew straight into one of the Sistine Chapel’s windows. “It’s really sad; it seems like one of these guys crashes into a window at least once a week,” said the pontiff, who appeared visibly distressed while sweeping up the feathers scattered around the angel’s lifeless body. “Most of the time, their necks break and they die instantly, but once in a while they’re still twitching a bit. That’s when I find it’s best to put them out of their misery with a shovel.” At press time, the bishop of Rome was attempting to scrape off an angel splattered on the windshield of the Popemobile.
The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution #~# Several global advocacy groups, including the World Health Organization, Amnesty International, and Human Rights Watch, are calling for the decriminalization of prostitution, but many are fighting to keep the practice illegal, citing the moral, ethical, and practical concerns of condoning the sale of sex. Here are the pros and cons of legalizing prostitution:
Caitlyn Jenner Halloween Costume Sparks Outrage #~# Seasonal retailer Spirit Halloween has incited outrage online by selling a Caitlyn Jenner costume complete with a “Call Me Caitlyn” sash and a white corset akin to the one Jenner wore on the cover of Vanity Fair, a costume that many feel is transphobic but that Spirit has defended and continues to sell. What do you think?
New Magnet School Opens For Students With Interest In Receiving Competent Education #~# PHILADELPHIA—Saying it would give local youths a wider range of academic options, Philadelphia public school officials expressed high hopes Thursday for the recently opened Edison Magnet School, a new pilot initiative that caters to students who are interested in an adequate education.
1 Billion Users Log Onto Facebook In Single Day #~# Mark Zuckerberg released a statement confirming that on Monday, 1 billion users, or 1 in 7 people on earth, visited Facebook in a single day, setting a usage record for the site. What do you think?
Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years #~# HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years. “Brian has really bounced around the NFL over the last decade, but I think he’s finally found the right fit with the Cards, and hopefully he’ll stay with them from here on out,” said coworker Tom Murray, adding that Ferretti’s recent teams include the San Francisco 49ers, Denver Broncos, New York Giants, Baltimore Ravens, and most recently the Seattle Seahawks, who he joined right before the 2013 playoffs. “I think he saw the potential of the Cardinals offense this year under a healthy Carson Palmer and decided they were the right team for him. That said, he’s moved a lot from team to team—I mean, he started out with the Cowboys in the ’90s—so given his history and reputation, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s wearing a different jersey by the middle of the season.” Murray added that this will be Ferretti’s second stint with the Cardinals, having already been with the team briefly for one season in 2008.
Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina? #~# Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Here’s how experts recommend we prepare for the next Katrina:
Josh Duggar Enters Rehab Following Scandal #~# After it was revealed that Josh Duggar, oldest son on TLC’s now-canceled reality show 19 Kids And Counting, possessed an Ashley Madison account and allegedly had extramarital affairs, Duggar has reportedly entered rehab, though what he’ll be treated for remains unspecified. What do you think?
Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford #~# CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford. “When we first moved in seven years ago, we didn’t even feel like we could leave the house after dark, which was great for a family on a limited budget,” said Healy, who noted that, given how little she lies awake these days worrying about a potential home invasion or assault, she can tell her family will soon be priced out of their apartment. “The way things are going, we won’t even feel unsafe walking the few blocks to the grocery store in a year or two—I just don’t think we have the kind of money for that. We’d love to stay here, but with our finances the way they are, the minute we stop needing the second bolt on the back door we’ll have no choice but to go out looking for a neighborhood that’s more terrifying.” At press time, the Healys breathed sighs of relief after hearing about a shooting that occurred just five blocks away.
Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding #~# ‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads
Majority Of NFL Players Say They Wouldn’t Let Their Son Play Preseason Football #~# NEW YORK—As concerns about the health risks involved for youth players continue to rise, a new poll revealed Thursday that a growing majority of NFL players would not allow their sons to play preseason football. “Now that we know how dangerous it really is, how could I in good conscience let my 7-year-old son go out there and play in a preseason football game?” said Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Lawrence Timmons, echoing the sentiments of many NFL players who told reporters that the potentially devastating health costs associated with participating in a full four-game preseason outweigh any reward, especially at the professional level. “The fact of the matter is that we just didn’t understand the full risks of preseason football back when I first started playing. I love this sport, but I’m not going to let my child put his long-term health on the line just to play football every week in August.” Timmons added that he was already encouraging his son to focus on basketball or soccer until regular-season football gets underway.
Responsible Gun Owner Keeps Firearms Safely Locked Away Where Only He Can Get Them During Mental Breakdown #~# GREENVILLE, SC—Insisting there is no way anyone else would be able to get ahold of the weapons in his home, local gun owner Kevin Williamson told reporters Thursday he always keeps his firearms securely locked away where only he can access them during a severe mental breakdown. “Owning firearms comes with serious responsibilities, which is why I store each of my guns in a locked safe,” said Williamson, who assured reporters that no one but him could open the tamper-proof steel box and access the firearms in the midst of an overwhelming period of emotional distress that engendered a blind, psychotic rage. “I keep the key on me at all times, so I’m the only person who can get to them [in the event that I suffer a full-scale psychological meltdown and channel my derangement into a violent, blood-soaked rampage]. No one but me is laying a hand on those guns.” Detailing the further precautionary measures he takes, Williamson told reporters he would have to retrieve the ammunition from a separate location should he ever need to use his guns to take out a wild, all-consuming fury on a crowd of innocent bystanders or his family.
National Zoo Panda Cub Dies #~# The smaller of the two panda cubs born to Mei Xiang last weekend at the National Zoo has died despite the medical team’s best efforts to save it, the second of Mei Xiang’s cubs to die in three years. What do you think?
Scott Walker Watches Candidates Emerge Shaken From GOP’s Female Experience Simulator #~# WASHINGTON—Waiting in line and nervously watching as, one by one, his fellow presidential candidates took their turn inside the machine, Gov. Scott Walker told reporters Thursday that the GOP Female Experience Simulator had so far left every contender for the party’s nomination disoriented, confused, and deeply distressed.
Nation To Try Channeling Outrage Over Gun Control Into Issue That Can Actually Be Addressed #~# ‘Maybe Fixing Roads Or Tax Reform,’ Exasperated Populace Says
A Look At The Class Of 2019 #~# This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2019, with the majority of students born in the year 1997. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
ISIS Operatives Destroy Hofner Bass Guitar Signed By Paul McCartney #~# AL-BUKAMAL, SYRIA—Calling it another heinous act designed to shock the conscience, international experts confirmed Thursday that members of the Islamic terrorist group ISIS recently destroyed a Hofner bass guitar signed by music legend Paul McCartney. “It is nothing short of a tragedy to see extremists callously rob the world of this priceless piece of Fab Four memorabilia,” said historian James Hanson of Yale University, noting that this particular 500/1 violin bass, which can be seen in an ISIS propaganda video being smashed to pieces by black-clad fighters who then pose with the shattered fretboard and offer their praise to God, was one of just two instruments used by the iconic musician during the Beatles’ 1965 European Tour, and the only one to feature his signature. “This treasured artifact was a tangible connection to the band’s brilliant performances of ‘I Feel Fine,’ ‘A Hard Day’s Night,’ and other chart-topping hits that delighted audiences during the very height of Beatlemania. This is not just a loss for fans of Sir Paul or music lovers, but a loss for humanity as a whole. If this one-of-a-kind piece of rock history isn’t sacred, what is?” Hanson added that, despite their latest efforts, the terrorists will never succeed in extinguishing humanity’s appreciation of the British Invasion.
Drug-Resistant ‘Super Lice’ On The Rise #~# A new strain of lice immune to over-the-counter treatments has many parents worried as they send their children back to school this week, with 25 states nationwide reporting the presence of the “super lice” so far. What do you think?
Quantum Political Scientists Hypothesize Country Headed In Both Right And Wrong Directions Simultaneously #~# PASADENA, CA—Upending the conventionally held assumption that the United States must exclusively be moving along a single good or bad path forward, quantum political scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a paper Thursday hypothesizing that the country is, in fact, headed in both the right and wrong directions simultaneously. “Rather than inhabiting a single reality where the nation’s future looks bright or an opposite one where Americans are struggling like never before, our research suggests that these two conditions actually exist concurrently in a state of superposition,” said lead researcher David Rimbaud, adding that, according to their analysis of quantum wave function and Gallup polls, the nation’s best days were found to lie, paradoxically, both ahead of and behind it. “In addition, our research has revealed for the first time that this country is currently changing beyond all recognition while at the same time remaining the same as it’s always been. Similarly, the United States was found to be both a beacon of freedom and hope in the world and an antagonist to those very same hopes and freedoms. Though seemingly contradictory, all of these scenarios are equally true.” Rimbaud added that in both divergent realities, China was still the world’s dominant economic force.
Burger King Proposes Teaming With McDonald’s To Sell ‘McWhopper’ #~# Burger King launched an ad campaign this week inviting McDonald’s to join forces with them for a single day and sell the “McWhopper,” a combination of each of their bestselling hamburgers, to drive awareness of the Peace One Day nonprofit, though McDonald’s has publicly declined the offer. What do you think?
Report: Limbo Competition Nation’s Last Example Of Pure Meritocracy #~# PRINCETON, NJ—Saying that no system as equitable or impartial could be found within the realms of government, business, or academia, a study released Wednesday by Princeton University’s Department of Sociology found that limbo competitions are the nation’s last example of a pure meritocracy. “After an exhaustive search, we have concluded that the game of limbo is the sole remaining social structure in which rewards and accolades are doled out exclusively on the basis of participants’ ability,” said lead researcher Marvin Hall, adding that instances of people ducking beneath a progressively lowered bar until just one person remains represented the only scenarios in the U.S. in which factors such as the participants’ wealth, race, personal connections, or physical attractiveness played absolutely no role in determining the outcome. “Unlike nearly every other organizational system we analyzed, favoritism and corruption are completely absent from limbo. Those who can slip below the stick advance, and those who fail to pass beneath it do not; nothing else matters. This appears to be the only truly level playing field left anywhere in the country.” According to Hall, federal-level politics and casting for community playhouse productions of Bye Bye Birdie remained the least meritocratic systems in the United States.
Lindsey Graham Struggling To Stay Awake While Driving Empty Campaign Bus Overnight To Next Event #~# FLORENCE, KY—Feeling his eyelids grow heavier as he continued along a pitch-black stretch of I-75 South, Republican presidential candidate Lindsey Graham struggled to stay awake while driving his completely empty campaign bus overnight to his next event, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Partners Who Share Parenting Duties Have Better Sex #~# Researchers at Georgia State University have found that couples who evenly distribute the responsibilities of child care have more fulfilling relationships with fewer fights and higher quality sex, contrary to partnerships where one person assumes the bulk of the parenting. What do you think?
Barbara Bush Calls White House To See If She Can Leave Husband There For Few Hours #~# WASHINGTON—Saying she had a busy afternoon ahead and could use some time to herself, former First Lady Barbara Bush reportedly called the White House Wednesday to see if she could leave her husband there for a few hours. “I have to run some errands, and it’d be so much easier if I could just leave George somewhere he’s comfortable and not have to worry about him,” said Mrs. Bush over the phone, emphasizing that she would be back to pick up the 41st president of the United States before he became too much of a handful for anyone. “He’s already familiar with the place and knows a lot of the people there. You can just let him wander around, or if he starts getting in your way, just sit him down in the Blue Room with a book or the annual budget and he’ll be perfectly happy. Plus I’ll pack him some Fig Newtons, so you won’t have to worry about feeding him at all.” At press time, it had been five hours and Mrs. Bush had not returned.
Guantanamo Bay Begins Construction On Senior Care Wing #~# GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA—Saying the expansion would ensure the facility is adequately prepared for upcoming challenges, officials at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp announced Wednesday that they had broken ground on a new geriatric care wing. “Our senior care center will be located immediately adjacent to Camp Delta and will contain all of the essentials our detainee population will need in the years ahead, including easy-access ramps from the confinement block to the exercise yard as well as wall-mounted grab bars and no-slip mats in the shower area,” said Brigadier General Marion Garcia, who added that the facility’s 116 beds and each of its various enhanced interrogation rooms would be located on the ground floor so that inmates will not have to go up or down any stairs when moving about, thereby avoiding unnecessary strains on their joints and helping to prevent falls. “We also plan to mount defibrillators throughout the corridors and in every solitary confinement cell, and make sure that our on-site clinic is stocked with ample stores of hypertension medicines and BPH treatments. As our detainees’ needs change, so will our facility.” Garcia added that the new space would be able to make use of a number of supplies already in the detention camp’s possession, including its stock of feeding tubes and Ensure.
Oh God, Invitation To Lunch Somehow Trickled Down To Office Weirdos #~# MEDFORD, OR—Recoiling at the sight of the two coworkers waiting for them in the lobby, employees from local company Core Analysts stated Monday that their invitation to head out and grab lunch had somehow trickled down to the office weirdos. “Crap, how did Joel [Seltz] and Matt [Heiser] hear about this?” said office manager Evan Coss, mentally recalibrating his expectations for a pleasant midday meal at Buffalo Wild Wings with friends to now include a series of labored asides in which he would make cursory attempts to engage his two bland, awkward colleagues over mozzarella sticks. “I sure as hell didn’t tell them about this—they must have heard Craig say we were meeting in the lobby at noon. Well, lunch is ruined. I wonder if I should just call it a bust, claim I have some work that needs to get out, and head back upstairs.” At press time, Seltz could be seen further terrorizing his coworkers by saying that they’d have to go someplace with more gluten-free options.
How Trump Continues To Lead The Polls #~# Recent polls indicate that, despite public outcry against his incendiary comments on women and minorities, Donald Trump is still the leading Republican candidate. Here are some reasons Trump stays so popular with his supporters:
Fraternity Penalized For Offensive Banners #~# Old Dominion University has suspended its Sigma Nu chapter after the fraternity hung banners from their house reading “Freshman Daughter Drop Off” with an arrow pointing toward the front door, as well as other sexually suggestive phrases, prompting widespread outrage on social media. What do you think?
Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government #~# WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government. “This lazy freeloader was already depending on the government to take care of her other kids, and then she has the nerve to pop out a couple more? Unbelievable,” said Arlington, VA resident Evan Hunt, echoing the sentiments of millions of hardworking Americans who were appalled to learn that the moocher has never worked a single day in her life and has received federal housing assistance and cost-free child care since 2000. “She just sits on her fat ass eating all day while taxpayers fork over their hard-earned cash to pay for the handouts she gets. And you know her kids are going to grow up to be just like her, too. She’s a disgusting parasite.” At press time, the outraged nation was reportedly speculating that Mei Xiang probably didn’t even know who the father was this time either.
Area Man Incapable Of Making Plans Without Excitedly Rubbing Palms Together #~# GOLDEN, CO—Saying he couldn’t even begin to consider options before him without performing the gesture, friends of local man Aaron Givens told reporters Thursday that he is entirely incapable of making any plans without excitedly rubbing his palms together. “Whenever anyone suggests going out to a restaurant and maybe seeing a movie on a Friday night, you definitely know it’s coming,” said roommate Tyler Roth of Givens’ unwavering tendency to develop a course of action by smacking his hands together and quickly rubbing them back and forth a half-dozen times while furrowing his brow. “If we’re trying to figure out something really big, like laying out an entire weekend camping trip, he’ll sometimes add in a bite of his lower lip, and maybe an excited ‘hmm!’, but the palm thing is really the trademark. Seriously, just a few minutes ago I asked him what he’d like to do tonight and his hands went straight together. He really can’t help himself.” The man’s friends added that Givens’ sole way of expressing disapproval was by letting out a loud, impulsive “Booooooo!”
Unfortunately, Nobody Met Our Standards To Be September’s ‘Penthouse’ Pet #~# In the publishing business, editorial standards are everything, and as one of the world’s most venerable men’s magazines, Penthouse takes the quality of its work very seriously. We would never abuse our readers’ trust by running a piece that doesn’t live up to the ideals upon which this periodical was founded, even if that means making the unprecedented decision not to print a beloved regular feature.
Study: Patients Lose More Weight With Doctor Support #~# According to a two-year study on obese patients, those with doctors they appraised as helpful and supportive lost an average of twice as much weight as subjects who rated their physicians lower, further evidence that effective doctor-patient relationships are driven by communication and collaboration. What do you think?
Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping #~# MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle. “Of course I’m going to park at the curb eventually, but there’s nothing quite like the look on their faces when I’ve got the music going full-blast and then just keep on driving right past them for a little bit,” said Kenney, adding that he always slows down when he approaches his young customers but then accelerates for about a hundred feet until the children’s initial expressions of excitement transition to exasperation and panic. “I have a pretty good idea of just how far I can push these little guys before having to stop and let them pick out their treats. To be honest, though, I could easily loop around the same block for an hour and not lose too many of them.” Kenney added that the joy he feels watching the exhausted children trail his vehicle “can’t hold a candle” to seeing the look of horror in their eyes the moment they realize they’re a quarter or two short of covering the cost of a fudge pop.
Scientists Confident Artificially Intelligent Machines Can Be Programmed To Be Lenient Slave Masters #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that the utmost precaution was being taken to safeguard the future of humanity, leading scientists and engineers said Tuesday that they were confident in their ability to program artificially intelligent machines to be lenient slave masters.
Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab #~# ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line. “The three-speed vibrating cotton tip of the new E-Swab is great for everyday cleaning or for breaking up stubborn earwax buildup,” Unilever spokesman Tim Werner said at a press conference, adding that the swab could fully charge overnight via an AC adapter plugged into the stem. “Finally, at long last, the Q-tip has caught up with the 21st century!” Werner went on to say that the new swab would be sold in packs of 200 for approximately $5,000.
Rosetta Stone Offers New Spanish Language Course For Pandering Presidential Candidates #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Touting it as an easy and effective way to superficially connect with Latino voters, education technology company Rosetta Stone unveiled Tuesday a new Spanish language program exclusively for pandering presidential hopefuls. “By using our interactive learning system, candidates will quickly become familiar with dozens of useful phrases they can trot out at campaign appearances across the country, including everything from ‘Los inmigrantes construyeron América,’ or ‘Immigrants built America,’ to ‘¡Vamanos Marlins!’ or ‘Go Marlins!’” said Rosetta Stone CEO John Hass, noting that the course is composed of five parts: Commending Hard Work, Celebrating Family Values, Attending Catholic Services, Praising Regional Foods, and Appearing On Univision. “In less than one week of daily language exercises, users can go from knowing no Spanish at all to appearing to care about the Latino community, all from the comfort of their own bus or hotel room.” Hass added that the company was also offering a supplementary course for those candidates seeking to carefully skirt around questions about creating a path to citizenship.
Out-Of-Control Scott Walker Injured After Wildly Careening Between Stances On Immigration #~# FORT MILL, SC—Subjecting his body to intense and highly dangerous levels of stress, an out-of-control Scott Walker was said to be severely hurt Monday after careening wildly between several different stances on immigration. “The human frame simply isn’t meant to handle the kind of physical strain that Governor Walker imposed on himself by veering so quickly and so recklessly between contradictory viewpoints,” said physician James Soroka, who added that the injuries the candidate suffered after he attempted multiple 180-degree pivots in rapid succession on the issue of birthright citizenship were some of the worst he had ever seen on the campaign trail. “Occasionally you see a candidate try something like this, thinking they’re invincible, but no one can tumble that violently across the political spectrum and walk away unharmed. Sadly, the trauma was so severe that he may never make a full recovery.” At press time, Walker had reportedly been severed in half at the torso while attempting to simultaneously hold two completely divergent positions on economic inequality.
Female Trump Supporters Just Feel More Comfortable With GOP Candidate Who’s Openly Horrible To Them #~# MANCHESTER, NH—Describing the current Republican frontrunner’s frankness on the topic as a welcome change of pace in the crowded race, female supporters of Donald Trump told reporters Monday they simply felt more comfortable backing a candidate who is openly hostile and belittling toward them. “It’s actually pretty refreshing to have a candidate who’s willing to come right out and disrespect women to our faces, rather than trying to conceal their actual views or spin their policy stances as if they’re beneficial to women,” said Trump supporter Laura Coyle, adding that she likes how she knows exactly where she stands with the billionaire due to his straightforward style of calling her gender worthless and disgusting up front. “Sure, I gave Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee a chance. But they just talked in circles like Washington politicians, never offering any straight talk about how they view us as inferior and undeserving of equal treatment or rights. Trump’s a straight shooter, though. What he says is what he believes, which in this case is that most women are either calculating manipulators or repulsive animals.” When polled, Trump’s male supporters indicated their approval for the candidate’s willingness to express his open disdain toward women as well.
Whales Found Dead In ‘Mortality Event’ In Alaska #~# Since May of this year, 30 whales of various species have turned up dead along the Alaska coastline, an unexplained “mortality event” that has researchers struggling to pinpoint the reason for the historic die-off. What do you think?
Chiefs Rookies Forced To Lug Andy Reid’s Snacks To And From Practice #~# ST. JOSEPH, MO—Saying that the daily ritual has been both physically and mentally draining, rookies on the Kansas City Chiefs confirmed Monday that they have been forced to carry all of head coach Andy Reid’s snacks to and from practice every day. “It’s brutal—this morning, I had to lug 80-pound duffel bags filled with spicy beef jerky and cream-filled cupcakes while running to the field,” said first-year offensive lineman Mitch Morse, adding that he is often sore before practice even starts, having arrived an hour early to haul 10-gallon gravy jugs to the sideline. “I know all the new players have to do it—Knile Davis told me he almost hurt his shoulder while carrying coach’s hickory-smoked summer sausages back in 2013—but it still feels cruel and overboard.” At press time, rookie cornerback Marcus Peters was running laps as punishment for bringing Reid a tray of chili-cheese nachos without any sour cream.
Shoddy Chinese-Made Stock Market Collapses #~# SHANGHAI—Proving to be just as flimsy and precarious as many observers had previously warned, the Chinese-made Shanghai Composite index completely collapsed Monday, sources confirmed. “Sure, it looked fine from the outside, but anybody who saw it up close knew that it was of such poor quality that it wasn’t built to last,” said Allen Sigman of the London School of Economics, adding that the stock market, which he described as a crude knockoff of Western versions, was practically slapped together overnight and featured countless obvious structural weak points. “They pretty much ignored regulations, and inspections were a joke. The only surprise is that it didn’t fall apart sooner.” Sigman added that he just hopes there weren’t too many people who were hurt in the disaster.
Tips For Choosing The Right Veterinarian #~# Bringing a pet into your life is a rewarding experience, though it also involves finding someone you trust to provide capable medical care. Here are The Onion’s tips for choosing the right veterinarian:
Man To Undergo Extensive Interrogation By Coworkers About Where He Got Falafel #~# DENVER—Removing the Middle Eastern specialty from its paper carryout bag as he returned to his office desk, local insurance salesman Robert Devinshire reportedly braced himself Monday to undergo an extensive interrogation from his coworkers about where he got falafel. “Oh, God, before I even get to take one bite of this thing, I know [account managers] Ray [Gallo] and Liz [Farrell] will be over here grilling me, demanding to know the name and location of the restaurant,” said Devinshire, worried that the scent of warm, fried chickpea and tahini had already begun attracting colleagues from nearby cubicles, each of whom would soon bombard him with inquiries on whether the restaurant was new or if he grabbed a menu. “It’s only a matter of moments before they’re surrounding my desk, ordering me to tell them everything I know about how long the line was and cross-examining me about what other dishes were available. I better try to eat this thing quickly before the whole department shows up.” At press time, a chewing Devinshire was responding to an onslaught of questions about the sandwich’s taste, price, and contents with a series of muffled one-word answers and thumbs-ups.
Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho #~# Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?
Report: July 2015 Hottest Month On Record #~# According to a new report from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, July was the hottest month since recordkeeping began in 1880, averaging 1.46 degrees hotter than the July average and beating the previous record-setting month by .14 degrees. What do you think?
Office Disgusted By Two Coworkers Getting All Chummy With Each Other #~# PLANO, TX—Wrinkling their noses and averting their gazes in revulsion as the pair began their day with a jovial high-five, employees at local data-storage firm Source Solutions told reporters Wednesday how disgusted they were by coworkers Jeff Hutton and Mike Warren, who are said to be getting extremely chummy with each other. “Every time you walk by their desks, they’re both laughing over some YouTube video or engaging in friendly chitchat—it’s the grossest thing I’ve ever seen,” said administrative assistant Kathleen Frankel, adding that the obnoxious duo regularly make plans to grab Chicken BLTs together at Buffalo Wild Wings to talk fantasy football draft strategy, rather than eating alone at their desks like the rest of the staff. “Ugh, they even have their own little inside jokes that they’ve started referencing around the office, like they share some sort of mutually enjoyed connection with each other” Frankel added that the pair’s shamelessly public chumminess was the most nauseating episode the company had endured since their supervisor spent a whole hour parading her new baby around the office.
Banksy Opens ‘Dismaland’ Theme Park #~# Elusive street artist Banksy has revealed his latest attraction, Dismaland, a darkly humorous and decrepit interpretation of a children’s amusement park featuring a crumbling castle and multiple galleries that will remain open in Weston-super-Mare, England for five weeks. What do you think?
Entire Ruby Tuesday Waitstaff Just Trying To Ignore Table Holding Fantasy Football Draft #~# SUFFOLK, VA—Hoping to have as little contact as possible with the large group of college-aged men until they left the restaurant, every member of the waitstaff at a local Ruby Tuesday admitted Friday that they were actively avoiding a large table conducting their fantasy football draft. “I got their food and drink orders all in one swoop and then booked it back to the kitchen before they could ask for anything else—as soon as I drop off these buffalo wings, I’m staying away from them at all costs,” said server Heather Lipscomb, adding that she brought two extra pitchers of beer for the 10 men—several of whom were wearing NFL jerseys—in the hopes that they wouldn’t need anything else for the rest of the night. “One of them kept waving at me as I was bringing some entrées over to another table in my section, but I just kept my head down and pretended I didn’t notice, and everyone else working tonight is pretty much treating that whole area as a no-fly zone. Look, they already have their little draft printouts and laptops spread all over the two tables that [hostess] Melissa had to push together for them—God, I hate them.” At press time, after successfully ignoring them for a full hour, several waiters audibly groaned upon overhearing that the group was only just about to start their draft.
College Still Looking For Absolute Saddest Place On Campus To Hold Transfer Student Orientation #~# BOWLING GREEN, OH—Saying they hadn’t yet found a location with the proper combination of bland decor, uncomfortable seats, and bleak fluorescent lighting, admissions officials at Bowling Green State University confirmed Friday they were still looking for the absolute saddest place on campus to hold their upcoming transfer student orientation. “We checked out several dimly lit conference rooms in the administrative building as well as some shabby, outdated student lounge areas, but we’ve yet to find the most pitiful place possible to gather our transfer students in small groups for 45 minutes at a time while they receive their student IDs and register for classes,” said assistant admissions director Danielle Flynn, adding that a suitably wretched venue should be dingy and cramped, but boast enough space for three or four plastic folding tables and a projector screen for displaying the tedious graduation requirements slideshow. “One of the basement rooms in the student union was close, but it got a little too much natural light. I just hope we can find something adequately depressing before students start arriving next week.” Flynn added that after completing their orientation, transfer students would be invited to the other side of campus for a sparsely attended, heartbreakingly pathetic activities fair.
Terrifying Server Whole-Heartedly Cares About Guests’ Dining Experience #~# Roseville, MN—Reeling in horror as she stopped by their table yet again to check on how their meals were tasting and to cheerfully ask if she could get them anything else, a party of diners at a local Buffalo Wild Wings confirmed to reporters Thursday that terrifying server Jane Gember appeared to genuinely care about their dining experience. “When I couldn’t decide which Sam Adams draft beer I wanted, she offered to bring me samples of each—that’s when the whole table realized we were dealing with a completely unhinged individual,” said visibly petrified patron Abby Cowans, who described the awful moment when a broadly smiling Gember leaned right in to inquire whether Cowans enjoyed the Potato Wedges she had recommended to pair with her Chicken Buffalito. “I can feel my heart stop every time she comes over to our table and tells us how she’s happy to get us extra condiments if we need them. It’s horrifying. I know it’s only a matter of time before she pops back up and describes the Dessert Nachos to us in detail.” At press time, the frighteningly pleasant server could be seen going on a bizarre rampage around the restaurant, refilling water glasses that weren’t even halfway empty.
Relieved Scott Walker Narrowly Avoids Acknowledging Immigrants’ Humanity During Campaign Speech #~# SUNAPEE, NH—Taking a deep breath and slowly regaining his composure as he reflected on the disaster he had narrowly averted, Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker appeared visibly relieved after managing to stop himself just short of acknowledging immigrants’ humanity while speaking at a campaign event Friday, sources confirmed. “Oh, man, I almost referred to them as ‘people’—I’ve got to be more careful next time,” said Walker, who was able to successfully redirect his line of thought toward ending birthright citizenship after catching himself on the verge of expressing genuine sympathy for the struggles faced by illegal immigrants in the U.S. “I was this close to saying I understood the difficult choices they have to make and recognizing that many of them come here hoping for a better life—hell, I nearly identified with them as parents! Thankfully, I stopped just in time and went straight into my standard lines about defunding sanctuary cities. But, boy, that was way too close for comfort.” At press time, sources reported that Walker appeared to be comfortably back in his element after characterizing welfare recipients as lazy and manipulative drug addicts.
Lindsey Graham Can’t Believe He Left CD With Campaign Song At Red Roof Inn #~# IOWA CITY, IA—Just minutes before taking the stage for a town hall event Friday, Republican presidential candidate Lindsey Graham reportedly chastised himself upon realizing he had left the CD-R containing his campaign song in his room at the Red Roof Inn. “Darn it, I even put it on the bedside table so I wouldn’t miss it when I was getting dressed to leave,” said Graham, who was hopeful that housekeeping would place the CD-R in the lost and found since he had written “Lindsey’s Campaign Song” on the disc with a black felt-tip marker. “There’s no time to head back now. Shoot, I can picture it sitting there, right next to the little cardboard envelope with the second keycard in it. Now I’ll have to get my sister to burn another CD for me.” At press time, Graham reportedly walked out onto the stage to complete silence.
It Impossible To Tell What Sounds Will Freak Out Cat #~# DULUTH, MN—Saying that there seemed to be no clear pattern to the animal’s responses, local pet owner Wendy Vogl reported Friday that it is impossible to tell what sounds will cause her cat to totally freak out. “I can slam the front door and he’ll just sit there licking himself, but then he’ll hear thunder and run out of the room immediately,” said Vogl, adding that she could think of no rational explanation for why her cat, Max, would bolt the moment she switched on a hair dryer yet take the noise of a vacuum cleaner completely in stride. “If I had any clue at all what scared him, if there was any logic to it whatsoever, I could try not to do it as much. But I honestly think there’s just no rhyme or reason for why my cat will totally lose his shit.” At press time, Vogl had just plugged in her new food processor and had absolutely no idea if her cat would be hiding under the bed for the next three hours.
Mayor Calls For Crackdown On Topless Women In Times Square #~# New York City mayor Bill de Blasio spoke out this week against Times Square’s desnudas, topless women covered in body paint who charge money for photos, saying they should be regulated the same way other street solicitors are. What do you think?
Jason Witten Can’t Believe He Stuck Rooming With Jerry Jones During Training Camp Again #~# OXNARD, CA—Saying that he is counting down the days until the offseason practices are over, Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten told reporters Thursday that he can’t believe he was once again stuck sharing a hotel room with owner Jerry Jones during training camp. “Goddammit, this is the fifth straight year they’ve paired us together,” said Witten, explaining that he has come to dread returning to his room each afternoon to find Jones sitting on his bed drinking bottles of Michelob Ultra and watching television at its maximum volume. “He never picks up any of his dirty clothes or trash—Christ, just look at all these copies of Maxim around the room. Plus, when I’m trying to go to sleep at night, all he wants to do is talk about that day’s practice and what the team should be working on before the season starts. I’m so fucking sick of him.” At press time, Witten was quietly reading a book in the hotel lounge after an intoxicated Jones had barged into their room with a woman on each arm.
Massive Sinkhole In Florida Reopens #~# Two years after a giant sinkhole opened beneath a Tampa, FL home and fatally swallowed a man in his bedroom, the same sinkhole reopened, though no homes currently occupy the site. What do you think?
What You Need To Know About ‘Female Viagra’ #~# The FDA recently approved the sale of Flibanserin, a pink pill intended for women diagnosed with low sex drive; critics have questioned the pill’s effectiveness, while advocates are praising the move toward supporting both men and women with these sexual issues. Here are some of the most common questions about Flibanserin:
Family Cuts Nursing Home Visit Short So Grandmother Can Get Back To Excruciating Loneliness #~# TOLEDO, OH—Bending down to hug her in her wheelchair before quickly saying their goodbyes, members of the Schueller family reportedly cut their nursing home visit short Thursday so that their grandmother, Anna Schueller, could get back to her excruciating loneliness. “Well, we probably should be going, because we don’t want to keep Nana from sitting in crushingly painful solitude any longer than we already have,” said grandson Andrew Schueller, adding that, while he’d love to stay longer, he knows this is the time his grandmother usually spends motionless in her chair looking at nothing in particular, overwhelmed by the loss of connection she once felt with other human beings and the world in general. “Plus, I think we’ve tired her out enough already, so we should really let her get to bed and stare at the ceiling thinking of all that she’s lost. Especially because she’s got a long day devoid of any human warmth tomorrow.” The Schullers added that they’ll definitely be back to visit their grandmother on a day when she doesn’t already have plans to sit blankly in front of the television and silently contemplate whether her ongoing private agony is any better or worse than being dead.
New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package #~# CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash. “With this new innovation, we’ve cut out all the extra steps between procuring a napkin and then crumpling it up and discarding it,” said the company’s director of marketing, Chase Henderson, explaining that the ready-soiled paper goods completely eliminate the need to first spill something and then wipe it up. “For our initial rollout, the napkins will come partially saturated in your choice of chili, ranch dressing, or spaghetti sauce. Down the road, we’re hoping to introduce napkins that are already wadded up into a big, messy clump, so customers can simply place the entire 200-count package in the garbage all at once.” Henderson added that the company was also developing a new paper plate that comes pre-stained with a triangle of pizza grease.
New SeaWorld Show Just Elephant Drowning In Large Tank Of Water With No Explanation #~# ORLANDO, FL—Noting that the show had simply appeared on the park’s schedule last week without an announcement or fanfare of any kind, visitors to SeaWorld told reporters Thursday that the theme park’s latest attraction consists solely of an elephant drowning in a large tank of water with no explanation.
Government Agencies Soliciting Yelp Reviews #~# The U.S. government’s General Services Administration has begun working with the review website Yelp to create official pages for various government agencies where consumers can give feedback to places such as the TSA, post offices, and courthouses. What do you think?
Underworld Health Organization Launches Initiative To Improve Incubus Immortality Rate #~# THE SECOND CIRCLE, HELL—Affirming the need to reverse the trend after several millennia of discouraging numbers, officials from the Underworld Health Organization unveiled a new initiative Thursday to improve Hades’ incubus immortality rate. “It is simply unacceptable in this day and age that so many of our demon spawn never get the chance to metamorphose into evil spirits who spend all of eternity raping human women as they sleep,” said UHO spokesman Belphegor, adding that in certain lower circles of damnation, as many as 80 out of every 10,000 hatchlings do not go on to stalk the Earth for the rest of time. “If our initiative is successful, we can finally put an end to the tragic and all-too-common occurrence of a bright young incubus dying before he reaches his 1,000th birthday.” After laying out the plan, Belphegor reportedly avoided a question on its projected budget by bursting into 500 snakes and slithering away.
Redskins Maintain They Were Legally Granted Right To Name By 1807 Treaty Of Blackwater Creek #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread criticism from an increasing majority of Americans who find the team’s moniker offensive, Washington Redskins officials announced Wednesday that they were legally granted the right to use the name by the 1807 Treaty of Blackwater Creek. “What critics fail to understand is that the Redskins name was originally approved by Native American tribes in an effort to make peace with early settlers,” said franchise owner Daniel Snyder, explaining that the 19th-century Iroquois gave their blessing to use the Redskins logo in exchange for bolts of cloth, copper kettles, and various food supplies. “Our team’s identity is not only a source of pride for our players, coaches, and fans, but also symbolizes a promise we made over two centuries ago at Fort Elmsley. To abandon it now would simply dishonor all the distinguished Native American elders who came together at Blackwater Creek and helped forge that great and historic concord.” Snyder added that the treaty also contained a provision in which all Native American tribes agreed that no future U.S. government agency could ever revoke the Washington Redskins’ trademark protection.
Subway’s Jared Will Allegedly Plead Guilty To Child Porn #~# Longtime Subway spokesman Jared Fogle will reportedly plead guilty to criminal charges related to the possession of child pornography, a development linked to a July 7 raid of Fogle’s home. What do you think?
Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order #~# NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday. “Excuse me. Excuse me,” said the father of three to the 19-year-old who was en route back to the kitchen with a full tub of dirty dishes, and who responded to the customer by indicating that he would notify their assigned waiter. “Yeah, yeah. We’re ready to order now. Thanks.” At press time, Bierko was reportedly gesturing toward the busboy to ask for the check.
Climate Change Deniers Present Graphic Description Of What Earth Must Look Like For Them To Believe #~# WASHINGTON—Evoking cataclysmic scenes of extreme weather and widespread drought and famine, the nation’s climate change deniers held a press conference Wednesday to describe exactly what the Earth must look like before they will begin to believe in human-induced global warming.
Why Westerners Join ISIS #~# With more than 150 Americans accused of attempting to fight alongside ISIS in Syria and countless young Europeans allegedly joining or supporting the terrorist group, many are left wondering what a population of extremists has to offer Westerners a world away. Here are some reasons these people might want to ally with ISIS:
New ‘Drinkable Book’ Could Provide Millions With Clean Water #~# The “drinkable book,” a new filtration system with individual pages that can be torn out to purify containers of water, has completed its first round of field testing and could benefit many of the 700 million people worldwide who lack access to potable water. What do you think?
Man Doing Karaoke Clearly Sings This One Every Time #~# TAMPA, FL—Shaking their heads as he confidently eschewed the large binder of songs and recited his chosen track number by heart, patrons at karaoke bar Luna’s told reporters today that local man Steven Croucher obviously sings Fleetwood Mac’s “Little Lies” every single time he’s there. “God, this guy’s barely glanced at the lyrics scrolling on the screen and he hasn’t missed a word yet—he has to do this every Friday night,” said onlooker Brenna Eichorst, rolling her eyes as Croucher launched into a dramatic, impeccable air synthesizer solo during the song’s interlude, which she speculated had been perfected over dozens of prior performances. “No rookie would have the balls to try singing Stevie Nicks’ part during the chorus, but this guy nailed it. I’m beginning to think he even practices this one at home.” At press time, witnesses reported the cocky son of a bitch was already putting his name in the queue again, this time to perform A-ha’s “Take On Me.”
Cocaine Dealer Most Upstanding Guy Wall Street Broker Knows #~# NEW YORK—Highlighting the man’s trustworthiness, even temperament, and overall decency, Wall Street broker Simon Hansen revealed to reporters Monday that his cocaine dealer, Tim Arndt, is easily the most upstanding person he knows. “Tim’s a real professional, no question—he’s the only person I know who’s always there for me when I need him—but what really sets him apart is what a good guy he is,” said the Goldman Sachs financial specialist, admitting that of all the colleagues, clients, and acquaintances he interacts with in Lower Manhattan, the man who regularly supplies him with narcotics is, by and large, the most genuine and unselfish person in his life. “I have some coworkers and a few buddies from other firms that I like hanging out with, but if I had to point to one person as the most honest and dependable in my life, I really would have to say Tim. He’s just straightforward and treats you with respect, and doesn’t go behind anyone’s back or anything. I can’t say I’ve met too many people like that.” At press time, Hansen was attempting to pay Arndt only $50 for $80-worth of cocaine and pocket the rest of the cash for himself.
Americans Outraged Amazon’s Punishing Work Culture Has Yet To Yield Same-Day Shipping For All Products #~# WASHINGTON—After revelations emerged regarding the online retailer’s cutthroat office environment, Americans across the nation expressed outrage Wednesday that Amazon’s punishing workplace culture had yet to result in same-day shipping for every single available product. “They have 50,000 employees working 85 hours a week, and I still have to wait at least until tomorrow to receive my Pacific Rim DVD?” said Chelmsford, MA resident Jordan Krause, who was among the millions of customers shocked to learn that same-day shipping was not a universal feature of all Amazon merchandise despite the company’s alleged harsh and exploitative workplace culture. “Employees hardly have any time to see their children, but somehow they can’t get me everything I want the very day I want it? What kind of company are they running over there? Bet I’ll also have to sit around a full 24 hours for this electric shaver even though everyone at Amazon is crying at their desk from exhaustion—yep.” At press time, Krause had grudgingly placed his order, even as he wondered how such a hopelessly inefficient company had managed to stay in business this long.
Amazon Exposé Alleges Mistreatment Of Workers #~# The New York Times’ recent exposé on Amazon’s treatment of its workforce has caused public outcry, though the online retail giant’s CEO, Jeff Bezos, has denied the allegations, saying that if such accusations were true, employees would be “crazy to stay.” What do you think?
Obama’s Post-Presidency Plans #~# With his two-term presidency drawing to a close, Barack Obama has been meeting with several high-profile public figures to determine the trajectory of his post–White House legacy. Here are some of the proposed plans:
Jeff Bezos Assures Amazon Employees That HR Working 100 Hours A Week To Address Their Complaints #~# SEATTLE—In response to accusations of an abusive workplace environment, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos assured employees Tuesday that the company’s human resources staff was working 100 hours a week to address their complaints. “I’ve heard your grievances, and I promise that HR is toiling 16 hours a day, plus weekends, until the problem is solved,” read a company-wide email from Bezos, who promised that members of the human resources department would not be allowed to rest for a single second until allegations of a cruel, backstabbing office culture at Amazon were fully dealt with. “Nothing matters more to me than the well-being of our employees, and our HR staff will continue to work their fingers to the bone—not seeing their families or friends or anything at all outside their offices—for as long as it takes to make this right.” Bezos added that any employee not fully committed to ensuring a healthy work-life balance should look for a job elsewhere.
Report: Distracted Driving Results In More Than 5,000 Unfinished Texts Each Year #~# WASHINGTON—Describing the findings as “deeply troubling,” the U.S. Department of Transportation released a report Tuesday revealing that the growing epidemic of distracted driving is responsible for more than 5,000 unfinished text messages a year. “Far too often, drivers concentrating on their phones instead of the road lose control of their vehicles and get into accidents, tragically cutting short the messages they were attempting to type,” Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx said of the report, which reviewed six years’ worth of gruesome automobile crashes that ended the texts of the drivers involved. “Of all these messages that were lost, many were very brief and still had many more words to go. Now, we will never know what they might have said, or where they might have been sent. Their abrupt, mid-sentence endings were both sad and unnecessary.” The report strongly urged citizens to avoid texting while driving, noting that distracted drivers aren’t just putting their own texts at risk, but also those of their passengers and other drivers.
Put My Beautiful Daughter On The $10 Bill #~# Like many people, I was thrilled when the U.S. Treasury announced its plan to put a woman on the $10 bill. Long overdue, if you ask me! The jury’s still out on who it will be, though. It might be Eleanor Roosevelt or Rosa Parks or any number of other great American women. But I have another suggestion, and it’s going to knock your socks off: my beautiful daughter Sydney Louise.
Encouraging Study Finds It Now Easier Than Ever For American Dollars To Rise Into Upper Class #~# WASHINGTON—Citing “nearly unlimited” opportunities for the nation’s currency, an encouraging study released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution found that it has never been easier for U.S. dollars to enter the richest segment of American society.
Paparazzi Using ‘Dangerous’ Tactics To Photograph Prince George #~# The British royal family has issued a statement criticizing the “increasingly dangerous” means photographers are resorting to in order to snap photos of 2-year-old Prince George, including hiding in cars, pursuing vehicles leaving royal homes, and following he and his nanny around in open play areas. What do you think?
Apartment Listing Sweetens The Pot With Offer To Sell Current Tenant’s 9-Year-Old Furniture #~# MILWAUKEE—Going above and beyond the simple proposition of a 12-month lease, a local Craigslist apartment listing reportedly sweetened the pot Tuesday with an offer to sell the current tenant’s nearly decade-old furniture, sources confirmed. “Got a couch, bookshelf, and a dining table that I’d be willing to sell—all slightly used but in decent condition,” read the highly tempting post, adding even further enticement to the already wildly attractive proposal by offering a modest discount to anyone willing to buy all three of the items, which were themselves purchased secondhand from the previous occupants in 2006. “Let me know if you’re interested. I’d be happy to just leave them here for you when I go.” The tantalizing listing reportedly went on to add an irresistible cherry on top by offering to leave behind an uneven, heavily scratched end table propped up by a thick wad of masking tape for free.
Disney Adding ‘Star Wars’ Attractions To Parks #~# Disney CEO Bob Iger announced this week that both the company’s Walt Disney World and Disneyland resorts would be undergoing massive Star Wars expansions that would each sit on 14 acres of land and include features like the Millennium Falcon, though a completion date for these attractions was not specified. What do you think?
Details Of Donald Trump’s Immigration Plan #~# This week, Donald Trump unveiled his plan for addressing immigration as president, a series of core principles that specify his heretofore generalized statements about America’s relationship with immigrants. Here are the items detailed in Trump’s outline:
Hillary Clinton Assured Drop In Polls Just Indication People Haven’t Abandoned Ideals Yet #~# WASHINGTON—Amidst a recent decline in support from likely primary voters, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was assured by campaign staffers Monday that her drop in the polls was merely an indication that people have not yet abandoned their ideals. “Don’t worry, voters are just hesitant to give up on their most cherished principles at this point in the race, but give it a few months,” said Clinton aide Patricia Bartley, reassuring the current Democratic frontrunner that surging support for Bernie Sanders would plummet once people discarded their dream of electing a leader as committed to progressive ideas as they were. “By January, when almost all Democrats have bitterly come to accept that anything less than forfeiting what matters to them most will probably put Jeb Bush in the White House, they’ll be back on your side.” Bartley went on to say, however, that there might be cause for concern if voters were still somehow clinging to their deep-seated convictions this time next year.
Tips For Handling A Picky Eater #~# Having a child who refuses to eat most foods can be both frustrating and alarming for parents, but there are ways to work through this phase as a family. Here are The Onion’s tips for handling a picky eater:
St. Louis Rams Threaten To Leave Town Unless Taxpayers Personally Build Stadium With Bare Hands #~# ST. LOUIS—Emphasizing that a new venue to replace the 19-year-old Edward Jones Dome is an absolute necessity, St. Louis Rams owner Stan Kroenke revealed Monday that the team will be forced to relocate as soon as 2016 unless taxpayers build a new stadium with their bare hands. “We want to keep Rams football in St. Louis, but realistically, we can’t continue operating here unless the city’s taxpayers agree to lay a 1.3-million-square-foot concrete foundation and then construct the new stadium by hand,” said Kroenke, adding that his proposal for a state-of-the-art riverfront stadium would require at least 22 months of manual labor from each of the 320,000 residents living in St. Louis. “The facts are simple: The people of St. Louis must be prepared to personally erect the arena’s 14,000-ton steel structure, raise and paint the 30-story-tall stadium walls, screw in each of the 80,000 seats, and install a retractable roof—all while using only basic hand tools, which we would be willing to provide. Otherwise, we’ll have to consider the possibility of moving the Rams elsewhere.” At press time, sources confirmed that Kroenke’s proposal was unanimously approved by the St. Louis city council.
Drones Could Be Causing Stress To Wildlife #~# As the use of unmanned aerial vehicles for recreation and research alike continues to rise, a study in Current Biology found that added drone activity above their habitat causes a measurable stress response in black bears, whose heart rates soared when exposed to the technology. What do you think?
God Announces Plans To Slowly Wean Humans Off Religion #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying that the various belief systems had a “good run” over the last few millennia but that it was probably time for humans to get by on their own, the Lord Our God, He Who Is Seen And Unseen, proclaimed Monday that He would begin slowly weaning humanity off religion. “Religion was definitely helpful for humans when they first started out, but now it seems like it’s pretty much served its purpose—time to take the training wheels off,” said God, who argued that while the transition from religion might be difficult for a large segment of the population, ultimately humankind would be better off without it in the long run. “It’s not like I’m going to get rid of religion all in one go or anything; I’ll wind it down gradually over the next 500 years or so. Really, when you take a good look at it, the negatives are starting to outweigh the positives anyway.” At press time, God was implementing the first stage of His plan by effecting the opposite outcome of every prayer He received.
Study: Human Reaction Time Now Best Measured By How Long It Takes To Pause ESPN Video Player #~# STANFORD, CA— Providing new insight into the inner workings of the central nervous system, a study published Friday by researchers at Stanford University revealed that human reaction time is now most accurately measured by the speed at which a person is able to pause a video on ESPN.com. “The data clearly indicates that one’s ability to respond to sensory stimuli is best represented by the number of milliseconds that pass between seeing the video player load at the top of an ESPN article, hovering the cursor over it to reveal the control bar, and then hitting the pause button,” said Stanford neurologist Dana Frankel, adding that upon processing the audiovisual prompt, the brain will immediately begin firing neurons that signal the fingers to stop the video before sounds of a pre-roll commercial begin playing. “We’ve also found that we are able to actually improve upon this reflex over time with practice. Amazingly, in certain cases, pausing the ESPN video after clicking on an article becomes a borderline involuntary response, much like jerking one’s hand away after touching a hot stove, for instance.” Frankel went on to say that failure to hit the pause button and subsequently allowing the ESPN video to play in its entirety is a clear sign of severe and irreparable brain damage.
British Authorities Combat ‘Cyber-Flashing’ #~# The British Transport Police are investigating an incident in which a woman’s iPhone received anonymous photos of a penis via Apple’s AirDrop feature, a function where files can be sent to any other iPhone in the vicinity, in a crime they have dubbed “cyber-flashing” and urged other victims to report. What do you think?
Huckabee Campaign Suspended After Candidate Trapped In Briar Patch #~# HOPE, AR—Saying all public appearances would be canceled until they could find a way to free the former Arkansas governor, officials announced Friday that Mike Huckabee’s presidential campaign had been suspended due to the Republican candidate becoming trapped in a briar patch. “Aw shucks, we hate having to put everything on hold like this, but darned if Mike ain’t done got hisself stuck in a dang briar patch like a possum in a drainpipe,” said senior advisor Chip Saltsman, adding that the GOP hopeful had been “kickin’ up a ruckus” and “hootin’ and a-hollerin’ something fierce” since becoming entangled in the thicket earlier in the day. “I told him not to go chasin’ after varmints in the yard or he was liable to end up in the prickly bush, but that’s ol’ Mike for ya. I reckon I oughta tell the rest of the folks on staff that we won’t be making it to the rally over yonder in Iowa City tomorrow.” At press time, aides had reportedly managed to free Huckabee from the briar patch only for the Republican candidate to go tumbling face-first into a crick.
Highlights From NFL Training Camp #~# With preseason games underway and preparations intensifying across the league, the NFL has had no shortage of stories to keep fans occupied before the new season kicks off. Onion Sports breaks down the biggest moments from this summer’s training camp.
Poll Finds Americans’ Greatest Fear Is Waitress Forgetting About Them #~# ORANGE, CA—Surpassing their anxieties regarding public speaking, mass shootings, and natural disasters, Americans’ single greatest concern, according to the latest results of the Chapman Survey On American Fears released Friday, is that their waitress will forget about them. “More than 70 percent of the individuals we surveyed listed having their waitress set down some glasses of water, promise to come back and take their order when they’re ready, and then never return to their table as their number one fear in life,” said sociologist Christopher Bader, adding that the majority of the 1,500 poll respondents said they experience a deep and persistent worry that their server will continue attending to other patrons, but never make her way back to them, at least once per week. “For millions of Americans, the fear that they might find themselves stuck at a table or booth as their waitress disappears into the kitchen forever, leaving them to helplessly grow hungrier and hungrier without their appetizers, can become completely overwhelming, leading to debilitating feelings of helplessness and negative changes in mood.” The poll determined that Americans’ second-most common fear was that their waitress would take their order, but then a shift change would occur without her ever conveying the information to the next server.
Octopus Species Filmed Mating Face-To-Face #~# The Pacific striped octopus, long suspected of being more social than its fellow species, was recently filmed by researchers mating face-to-face and otherwise demonstrating tight bonds with its partner, challenging conventional understanding of the octopus as a solitary, cannibalistic creature. What do you think?
What’s Been Found In Hillary’s Emails So Far #~# Hillary Clinton agreed to turn over her private email server to the FBI Wednesday after it was alleged that emails sent over her personal account could be compromised outside the possession of the government. Here are some of the contents of Clinton’s emails that have been inspected thus far:
Body Breaking Down In Totally Different Order Than Man Expected #~# ANDOVER, MA—While saying he’d always known that “everything would fall apart eventually,” 45-year-old Bruce Lifschitz admitted his surprise to reporters Friday that his body was breaking down in a completely different order than he expected it would. “I’ve had knee pain since I was in my 20s, so I honestly thought those would be the first to cause me real problems, but nope; my back completely gave out on me out of nowhere, and now I can’t move between a sitting and standing position without it flaring up,” said Lifschitz, adding that he had also previously predicted he would be fully bald by this point, but noted with astonishment that his ongoing hair loss had been outpaced by his chronic heartburn and sharply increasing blood pressure. “I thought it was going to go: knees first, then hair, then prostate, and then maybe eyesight and memory after that. I hadn’t even considered that these stomach ulcers would come up. At this point, I really can’t say which part of me is going to give way next.” Lifschitz noted that, for what it’s worth, his arms were doing great and didn’t seem in danger of failing anytime soon.
Music Found To Speed Recovery In Surgery Patients #~# Researchers have found that patients who listen to music before, during, and after surgery experience less pain and quicker recovery times, a phenomenon that might be caused by music’s ability to change the brain’s neural pathways and induce relaxation. What do you think?
Vilsack Reprimanded For Spending Work Hours Writing Corn Blog #~# WASHINGTON—Sternly reminded that it was inappropriate to pursue personal interests at the office, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack was reprimanded Thursday for writing his corn blog during a cabinet meeting, sources told reporters. “Welcome back, corn lovers! Tom here with a quick update,” Vilsack wrote in the latest entry for “Corn On The Blog,” which he had reportedly updated eight times this week with recipes and various images of corn. “It’s the best time of year for sweet corn, and that means everything from earlivee to bicolor fleet is in season and ready for your plate! Keep an eye on the Corn Citchen. (I’ve got a great fritter up my sleeve!) Check back soon for more updates and pics, and don’t forget to comment below with what’s getting you excited about corn these days!” According to witnesses, Vilsack had been compiling a list of his favorite shucking techniques when President Obama ordered him to close his laptop and pay attention.
Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the late-night horror film host well-suited for the job “and then some,” Vice President Joe Biden offered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, an entry-level position within the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, White House sources confirmed Thursday.
Cockroach Worried About What Kind Of Kitchen Cupboard He Leaving To Children #~# NEW YORK—Expressing concerns over dwindling resources and the preservation of the environment for future generations, an adult male American cockroach was reportedly worried Thursday about what kind of kitchen cupboard he was leaving to his children. “I look at the state of this cupboard right now and see how young my nymphs are, and I’m terrified there won’t be enough graham cracker crumbs left when they’re grown up,” said the insect, adding that he sincerely hoped his offspring would have the same opportunities to safely skitter around in dark cracks and crevices behind the containers of flour and rice that he had always enjoyed. “Sometimes I lie awake wondering whether the Quaker Oatmeal Squares will still be here when I’m gone, or whether my generation has been too wasteful with the brown sugar leaking out of the plastic bag. After all, this cupboard is the only home we’ve got.” At press time, the cockroach was reportedly grappling with the ethical dilemma of bringing several hundred children into such a cupboard in the first place.
Recent Graduate Figures She Might As Well Do Good In World Until Economy Picks Up #~# BINGHAMTON, NY—Saying it seemed like a perfectly fine way to bide her time, recent SUNY Binghamton graduate Brenna Novich told reporters Thursday that she might as well do some good in the world until the economy picked up. “It’s really tough to find any positions in the publishing industry right now, so I guess there’s no reason I can’t make a positive impact on the community while I wait for something to open up,” said Novich, adding that she would probably teach underprivileged children or advocate for an environmental organization while keeping an eye on job openings. “No harm in giving back to society until hiring gets going again. I doubt it’ll take more than a couple of years at most, but there’s plenty of opportunities making a difference in other people’s lives to hold me over.” At press time, Novich was relieved that she had managed to land an entry-level job and would not have to work for a good cause after all.
Hazed NFL Rookie Forced To Pay For Rest Of Team’s Child Support #~# CINCINNATI—Complaining that his teammates had taken their rookie hazing rituals too far, Bengals first-year linebacker Adam Rothwell revealed to reporters Thursday that he was recently forced to pay for the rest of his team’s child support. “We’re all out having a good time, and then all of a sudden I noticed everyone was gone, and I was left with all these court-ordered child support payments to take care of,” said Rothwell, adding that, including the three months of back child support that several teammates threw in at the last minute, he was on the hook for nearly $150,000. “I get that it’s a tradition and all, but some of those guys really went overboard. I mean, this is practically my whole signing bonus.” Reached for comment, an anonymous Bengals player claimed that Rothwell’s hazing was “nothing compared to the old days,” when rookies were forced to dress up as recently arrested teammates and attend their court dates.
Wildlife Experts Say Not Climbing Into Gorilla Enclosure Likely Saved Man’s Life #~# ST. LOUIS—Based on the sheer power of the animals and their potential for extreme aggression, wildlife experts concluded Thursday that not climbing into the gorilla enclosure at the Saint Louis Zoo very likely saved 34-year-old local man Richard Fulton’s life.
Report: Average American Feels Comfortable In Own Skin For Only 6% Of Day #~# NEWARK, DE—Citing evidence gained from observational studies of thousands of citizens nationwide, a report published Monday by the University of Delaware found that the average American feels comfortable in their own skin for only 6 percent of the day. “Our findings suggest that the majority of individuals feel perfectly at ease with themselves for a total of 58 minutes during their waking day, with the rest of the time generally spent in a punishing spiral of self-loathing and humiliation,” said lead researcher Steven Platz, adding that, at any given moment, nearly 95 percent of Americans feel like they just want to disappear. “Most subjects exhibited brief signs of contentment before leaving for work and then didn’t feel anything remotely resembling happiness again until just before bed, though often those pleasant feelings were quickly vanquished by the pressure to get a good night’s rest and the realization that they would have to continue the cycle anew once they woke up again.” Platz added that levels of confidence and assuredness in one’s self had been known to reach as high as 9 or even 10 percent of one’s day, but noted that these were extremely rare instances in which the subject slept in, also took an afternoon nap, and ended up ordering delivery rather than attending a social gathering.
Use Of ‘LOL’ On The Decline #~# According to a recent Facebook study, more users are eschewing the acronym “LOL” to convey amusement and opting for “haha” or various laughing emojis, with linguists speculating that “LOL” is less intuitive than its counterparts in the era of smartphones. What do you think?
This Obviously Aliens’ First Abduction #~# HOMEDALE, ID—Citing the beings’ conspicuous lack of proficiency at even the most basic tasks and their general air of confusion, local man Travis Porter, 31, reported that his abduction Wednesday night was clearly the aliens’ first. “After they pulled me aboard the ship, they all just kind of stood around for a while looking at each other—it was obvious that none of them even knew where to start,” said Porter, who explained that the extraterrestrials then spent at least 15 minutes fumbling with their laser restraints until they were finally able to pin him down to the examination surface. “On the way back we completely overshot Earth, and then they had to circle around the planet a few times trying to find the spot where they picked me up. Honestly, I felt kind of embarrassed for them.” Porter added that, given their utter incompetence, he wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if the alien larvae they implanted in his brain stem never matured and chewed their way out.
Report Finds No Protocol For Cleaning Hospitals #~# A recent report in the Annals Of Internal Medicine found that most hospitals lack strict protocols for cleaning and disinfecting their treatment rooms, with some experts estimating only 50 percent of hard surfaces in any given room are properly sanitized, putting patients at greater risk of hospital-acquired infections. What do you think?
Man Deftly Downplays His Neighborhood To Coworker Thinking Of Moving There #~# BOSTON—Thinking quickly to devise a list of reasons why the area was not an ideal choice, local billing clerk Tim Connors, 33, managed to skillfully downplay the desirability of his neighborhood to a coworker who expressed an interest in potentially moving there, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You know, it was pretty nice when I moved in a few years ago, but it’s actually kind of gone downhill a bit,” said Connor, who mentioned the neighborhood’s lack of easy access to a grocery store as well as the long commute to work each morning as serious things to consider before his colleague started looking at apartments in the area. “Honestly, it’s okay, if you don’t mind limited restaurant choices and all the noisy construction. It’s fine for me right now, but if I could afford to I would probably move somewhere else.” Connors added that if his coworker wanted to explore the neighborhood, he should definitely check out the main square, which he noted had a great little coffee shop and “only a few muggings each month.”
GMOs: Myth vs. Fact #~# 
Lone Tent A Dark Harbinger Of Looming Street Festival #~# BOSTON—Arriving suddenly overnight without any prior warning, a solitary pop-up tent was reportedly seen standing forebodingly at the corner of Endicott and Thacher Streets this morning, its bleak 10’-by-10’ form and the single folding table set up beneath it serving as a dark harbinger of a street festival to come. Bystanders, chilled to the marrow by an array of extension cords snaking across the sidewalk, also reported catching sight of what looked like a small stage being erected between a pair of speakers and confirmed the presence of white plastic chairs stacked in numerous terrifying columns nearby. Aghast sources further claimed to have witnessed a most wretched man briskly moving around the area in a T-shirt emblazoned with the dismaying word “Volunteer,” a telltale sign that roiling hordes of thousands, sweat-covered and beer-craving, would soon appear. At press time, the eerie, ear-splitting screech of a metal fence being dragged across pavement was growing louder and louder, stirring madness inside all within a four-block radius.
Russia Destroys 4 Tons Of Banned Imported Food #~# Four tons of produce were buried in Russia this week because they violated a ban on Ukrainian imports, despite a petition with 350,000 signatures calling for President Vladimir Putin to instead donate the contraband food to the poor, following last week’s seizure and destruction of European cheeses in accordance with Kremlin policy. What do you think?
Arne Duncan Stressed About Preparing For Standardized Secretary Of Education Exam #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the long nights of cramming from the study guide and the constant drilling from flashcards had really worn on his nerves, Arne Duncan told reporters Tuesday that preparing for the upcoming standardized Secretary of Education Test was completely stressing him out. “I know I’ve got the stuff on FSA loans down, but it’s super unrealistic for them to think I’ll memorize every little thing about federal lunch voucher requirements—what if I’m wrong, though?” Duncan said of the yearly four-hour exam, adding that he wasn’t a very good test-taker to begin with and that even thinking about how he would get through the essay portion in just 50 minutes was making him anxious. “Half the multiple-choice questions on the SETs are on things like the Office of Migrant Education that hardly ever come up in everyday life, and the other half seem like they’re designed to trick you. Ugh, why can’t this be over?” Duncan went on to say that he’d probably do far better on the test if he could afford a high-priced tutor like former Education Secretary Margaret Spellings.
Male Friends Depart For Annual Camping Trip To Complain About Camping #~# ALAMO, CA—Saying they’d been looking forward to the outing all summer, local friends Sameer Weber, Rob Dempsey, and Drew Hutchinson reportedly packed up their gear and headed out Thursday for their annual camping trip to complain about camping. “The three of us have been doing this for years; it’s such a nice change of pace to take a long weekend and head out into the wilderness where we can repeatedly gripe about the inconveniences of being in the wilderness,” Weber told reporters, adding that their packed three-day itinerary includes cursing unpredictable weather, grumbling about how no fish are biting, and bemoaning everything from the dwindling snack supply to the terrible sleep they got in their poorly padded sleeping bags. “There’s nothing like getting together with your best friends, finding a quiet spot in the woods, and complaining every waking second about how annoying it is to pitch a tent in the darkness or start a campfire with all this damp wood. This really is a special getaway for us each summer.” As of press time, the longtime friends had already gotten their camping trip off to a strong start by launching into 20 minutes of collective outrage about the traffic on the road to the campground.
New Study Finds Earth’s Core Will Be Most Habitable Part Of Planet By 2060 #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study published Wednesday by geologists at Georgetown University, the earth’s solid inner core will be the most livable part of the planet by the year 2060. “Provided that current trends continue as anticipated, within half a century the most favorable conditions for supporting human life will be located roughly 3,200 miles below the earth’s surface, atop its superheated central sphere of iron and nickel,” said study co-author Lance Zelowski, who predicted that by mid-century, the inner core’s year-round temperature of 9,700 degrees Fahrenheit and its pressure of 3.5 million atmospheres would make it the most attractive location on the planet in which to live, work, and raise a family. “In order to ensure future generations grow up and reside in the best environment available, people will need to make preparations in the coming years to move their families to this highly compressed metallic ball surrounded by swirling liquid metal.” Zelowski acknowledged that, due to its limited surface area, only the wealthiest would likely be able to purchase property on the inner core, leaving most of the world’s population to make do in magma chambers directly beneath earth’s crust.
Area Man Nostalgic For Time When Ads Targeting Him Not As Sad #~# DOVER, DE—Reminiscing about past online promotions for goods and services as he perused the internet Wednesday, area man Walter Delray, 32, reportedly grew nostalgic for a time when the advertisements targeting him were not quite so sad. “Back in the day, I used to get ads for vacation packages to Cancun or high-end digital cameras, but now when I go on Facebook, it seems like all the promoted posts in my news feed are for unscented cat litter,” said Delray, wistfully recalling the halcyon days of his youth before the promotions based on his demographic and behavioral traits were for CPA certification programs and bathroom sink accessories. “It would be kind of nice to see a few banner ads for Lollapalooza again. Frankly, it can be a little depressing when you go to a website and it’s covered in ads for 15 percent off wheel alignments.” At press time, Delray reportedly sighed while clicking mute on a video ad about debt consolidation.
Colorado Declares State Of Emergency Over Wastewater Spill #~# An EPA-supervised cleanup crew accidentally breached a debris dam in an abandoned Colorado mine last week, sending 3 million gallons of wastewater into the Animas River and turning it to yellow sludge and leading Colorado to declare a state of emergency. What do you think?
Timeline Of Google’s History #~# Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:
Restaurant’s Nacho Challenge Requires Participants To Watch Man Consume 3 Pounds Of Nachos #~# CHICAGO—Noting that only a small handful of patrons have ever had the fortitude to successfully complete the contest, sources confirmed Monday that local restaurant Carson’s Pub offers a Nacho Challenge that requires participants to watch a man eat an entire three-pound plate of nachos. “When my friend first suggested it, I thought it would be a breeze, but after those first few chips loaded with pulled pork and melted cheddar cheese, I realized how tough this was going to be,” said Evan McCulley, who recently attempted the $55 challenge that rewards winners with free nachos for life, adding that the contest rules prohibited him from going to the bathroom or even leaving his seat during the 60-minute feat of endurance. “Midway through, I started feeling really queasy and thought I was going to throw up, but I kept it down. I somehow managed to get through the whole thing, but I have to say that I feel pretty disgusted with myself, and I really don’t ever want to look at another nacho again. You have no idea how hard it is to watch someone eat that much food until you’re sitting there doing it.” At press time, sources confirmed that a framed photo of McCulley smiling near an exhausted man smeared in salsa and sour cream had been posted on the restaurant’s Nacho Challenge Wall of Fame.
NFL To Prohibit Family Members From Delivering Speeches At Players’ Funerals #~# NEW YORK—Stressing that the new policy would be effective immediately, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Tuesday that the league will strictly prohibit family members from delivering remarks at players’ funerals. “After careful consideration, we have determined that eulogies for players who have passed away will no longer be given by family and friends,” said Goodell, adding that an NFL representative will instead issue a brief eight- to 10-minute speech honoring the deceased as the coffin is lowered into the ground. “Family will be allowed to stand next to the gravestone during the tribute, but will not be permitted to deliver any additional comments to the crowd of mourners. Should they wish to be more involved, however, the next of kin are welcome to read a spiritual passage or lead the service in a prayer, provided they are selected from our list of acceptable options.” Goodell also confirmed that all epitaphs must be submitted to the league for final approval, while cemetery plots will be restricted to flowers and a single black-and-white photograph of the late player smiling in his team uniform.
What Coca-Cola Does To The Body #~# Including recent claims that it funded research that blamed obesity on a lack of exercise rather than bad dietary habits, the Coca-Cola Company is often accused of trying to hide or downplay the damaging effects of soft drink consumption. Here’s what drinking Coke really does to the body:
Little Leaguer Immediately Becomes Major League–Caliber All-Star After Putting Chewing Tobacco In Mouth #~# BETHLEHEM, PA—With the 13-year-old’s meteoric rise pushing him directly into the national spotlight, sources confirmed Tuesday that local Little Leaguer Dylan Corfield immediately transformed into a Major League–caliber All-Star the second he put chewing tobacco in his mouth.
Mom’s Fears About Daughter Leaving For College Channeled Into Fight About Storage Bins #~# LEXINGTON, MA—Impatiently scanning store shelves while tersely repeating requests for an inventory of clothing and other items that would be taken along, local mother Susan Vernon, 51, channeled her escalating fears regarding her daughter leaving for college later this month into a fight about storage bins, sources reported Saturday.
Poll: 89% Of Americans Believe Obama Has Failed To Bring America Closer To Celestial Utopia Of Endless Pleasure #~# WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, nearly nine in 10 Americans believe that President Obama has failed to move the nation any closer to becoming an ethereal paradise of pure and everlasting pleasure. “Our findings indicate that only a small minority of citizens think the country is closer now to being a sublime bacchanal of boundless ecstasy than it was when the president took office six and a half years ago,” said researcher Katherine McGraw, adding that when asked if Obama had adequately positioned the United States to develop into a transcendent pleasure dome beyond anything ever imagined, only 8 percent responded “yes,” with 89 percent responding “no” and the remaining 3 percent saying they were unsure. “Despite the excitement for the future that many felt during the 2008 and 2012 elections, most Americans are now resigned to the fact that they are not making the expected progress toward living in a realm of dizzying, perpetual bliss in which, as celestial beings of pure joy, they bask in a profound contentment and heavenly delights they never knew possible, and that they are unlikely to do so during the remainder of the current presidential term.” McGraw noted that 48 percent of Americans responded affirmatively, however, when asked if Obama had brought the nation closer to a blackened wasteland of misery in which all are bled forever in eternal agony.
Netflix Offering Year-Long Paid Parental Leave #~# Netflix has announced a sweeping new policy under which its employees can take leave with full pay for up to a year after becoming parents. What do you think?
Lindsey Graham Stays Up All Night Running Campaign Ideas By Toll-Free Telephone Operator #~# WASHINGTON—Seeking the customer service representative’s feedback on everything from his political platform to selecting personal anecdotes, South Carolina senator and Republican presidential candidate Lindsey Graham reportedly stayed up all night Monday running campaign ideas by a toll-free telephone operator. “Here’s a couple possible campaign slogans I came up with; I’d love to hear what you think,” said the 60-year-old legislator, who periodically waited on hold so the operator could attend to other callers, as he spent a total of five hours on the line sharing first drafts of stump speeches and potential tactics for public outreach. “Okay, let me just run a few more things by you. I’m thinking about purchasing a few TV spots and wondered if you had any strong opinions on good time slots and markets. Also, if I call back later, do I have to go through the whole menu thing again, or can you just give me your extension?” When asked if there was anything else she could do for him, Graham reportedly requested to speak to the operator’s supervisor so he could get a second opinion on his debate strategy.
Target To Remove Gender-Based Labels In Stores #~# In response to customer feedback, Target has announced it will remove gender-specific labeling in its clothing, entertainment, and toy departments and eliminate pink and blue backdrops from those displays, acknowledging that such signage is in fact unnecessary. What do you think?
How The GOP Can Appeal To Women #~# In light of Donald Trump’s controversial comments about Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly and the Republican Party’s divisive views on Planned Parenthood, many are wondering how the party will win the female vote in next year’s presidential election. Here are some ways the GOP can appeal more to the nation’s women:
How New Parents Can Stay Healthy #~# Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health:
Top 2014 Films Show Wide Diversity Gap #~# A new report analyzing gender, race, ethnicity, and orientation in 2014’s top film releases indicates a clear lack of diversity, with only 30 percent of all speaking roles in the top 100 films performed by women and only 27 percent of roles in those same films featuring non-white actors. What do you think?
Curt Schilling Spends ‘Sunday Night Baseball’ Delivering Real Estate Investment Pitch To John Kruk #~# PITTSBURGH—Repeatedly interrupting the broadcast to insist that it is practically a no-risk opportunity, ESPN baseball analyst Curt Schilling reportedly spent the majority of last night’s Sunday Night Baseball game between the Dodgers and Pirates delivering a lengthy real estate investment pitch to fellow color commentator John Kruk. “I’m telling you, John, the market down there in Austin is red-hot, and now is the time to invest,” said the six-time MLB All-Star, having interrupted Kruk’s analysis of the Pirates’ pitching rotation to stress that Austin property values have “exploded 8 percent in the last year alone.” “Seriously, waiting on this will only cost you. All you need to do is invest about 50 grand in a few homes in Brentwood and Allandale, and then I’ll take care of everything else. Within three to five years, you’ll see a return of at least a few hundred thousand dollars—c’mon, it’s a no-brainer.” Reports later confirmed that Schilling abruptly left the broadcast booth during the game’s eighth inning to answer a frantic phone call from his investment partner in Phoenix.
Nation’s Pregnant Women Announce Discovery Of Comfortable Sitting Position #~# WASHINGTON—Slowly shifting from side to side while strategically placing a pillow to provide lower back support, pregnant women across the nation announced Monday the long-awaited discovery of a comfortable sitting position. “Oh, right there—yeah, that’s perfect,” said Mequon, WI resident Dana Schmitz, echoing the sentiments of thousands of other soon-to-be mothers as she reportedly closed her eyes and grinned while settling into a cozy spot in her living room chair. “There, that feels so much better.” At press time, the country’s pregnant women were reportedly uncomfortable again.
How Hackers Steal Data From Websites #~# With millions of Americans’ personal information becoming compromised by recent high-profile data breaches, many people are wondering just how anonymous hackers target and infiltrate these supposedly secure systems. Here is a step-by-step explanation of how your data can be stolen:
If Another Country Ever Started Calling Itself America, I’d Be So Pissed #~# I’m a pretty laid-back guy. As long as other countries don’t get in our way, I’m fine letting them do whatever they want. But as someone born and raised in the U.S.A., there are some things I won’t put up with. Like, if I ever heard a country besides our own was suddenly calling itself America? Man, I’d be so goddamn pissed.
Most Used Words In The GOP Debate #~# On Thursday night, the top 10 Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland to engage in the first primary debate. Below are the words and phrases used by the candidates, weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.
North Korea To Instate New Time Zone #~# To honor the nation’s 70th anniversary of liberation from Japan, North Korea will create a new time zone later this month by setting the clocks back 30 minutes to “Pyongyang Time,” a move that many experts have warned could cause widespread confusion and logistical issues. What do you think?
Strongside/Weakside: Ronda Rousey #~# After winning her third straight bout in less than 40 seconds, UFC star Ronda Rousey has become the most dominant MMA fighter in the world and is truly living the dream of any incredibly violent person. Is she any good?
Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today #~# LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.
New Statewide Education Standards Require Teachers To Forever Change Lives Of 30% Of Students #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—In an effort to hold classroom instructors more accountable, the Illinois State Board of Education unveiled new statewide education standards Friday that require public school teachers to forever change the lives of at least 30 percent of their students. “Under our updated educator evaluation policy, teachers must make an unforgettable, lifelong impact on at least three of every 10 students and instill a love of learning in them that lasts the rest of their lives,” said chairman James Meeks, adding that based on the annual assessments, if 30 percent of students don’t recall a particular teacher’s name when asked to identify the most influential and inspiring person in their lives, that instructor would be promptly dismissed. “We are imposing these standards to make certain that a significant proportion of students in any given classroom can someday look back and say, ‘That teacher changed the course of my life, making me who I am today, and there’s no way I could ever repay them.’ Anything less is failure.” Meeks also confirmed the implementation of another rule aimed at ensuring that no more than 40 percent of a teacher’s students end up in prison.
Obama Practices Defiant Speech To Aliens Late At Night Behind Oval Office Desk #~# WASHINGTON—Testing out different phrases and vocal inflections as he has done almost every night for the past seven years, President Barack Obama sat at his desk in the early morning hours Friday rehearsing a defiant speech he’d give to aliens should they one day invade, Oval Office sources confirmed. “We are a proud, resilient species, and we will never surrender to you,” Obama reportedly said aloud emphatically, before pausing to jot down several potential rewordings in his legal pad as well as a double-underlined reminder to himself to “pound fist at end for effect.” “‘This is Earth; it is our home. We will defend our planet, whatever the costs may be. Your technology may be more advanced than ours, but if you come here seeking to harm our kind, we will know your morals are not as developed as our own.’ Yeah, that’s pretty good. Let me try it again from the top.” After later assuring his wife he would come to bed in a minute, Obama reportedly sat for several moments in complete silence, carefully thinking over how he could convey stern eye contact with the life forms should they not possess eyes.
Having Awkward Conversation With Coworkers In Alternate Venue Referred To As ‘Going Out To Lunch’ #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Engaging in stilted chitchat about their spouses, exercise routines, and weekend plans at a Buffalo Wild Wings a quarter mile from their workplace, employees from local software company Cortel Systems referred to making awkward conversation outside the normal confines of their office as “going out to lunch,” sources confirmed Thursday. “So, uh, Henry, how long does it take you to drive into work in the morning?” asked account manager Elizabeth Harris, who called the brief snippets of forced conversation interspersed with long, uncomfortable pauses that took place over a chicken BLT with a side of potato wedges instead of at the table in their office kitchen a “nice change of pace.” “25 minutes? That’s not as bad as I thought. About the same as mine, you know, maybe a couple minutes longer…yeah.” At press time, Harris could be overheard referring to the individuals she solely knows in a professional capacity and is paid to work with as “friends.”
Pope Francis Urges Compassion For Divorced Catholics #~# Going against the Vatican’s long-held position that divorced Catholics cannot receive communion without officially annulling their marriage, Pope Francis encouraged the church this week to instead welcome them with “open doors” and praised those pastors who have practiced the “attentive acceptance” of such couples. What do you think?
Nation’s Pansies Announce Plan To Slowly Acclimate To Pool #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that the water seemed pretty chilly when they dipped their toes in earlier, the nation’s pansies announced at a press conference Friday their plan to gradually acclimate themselves to the pool. “It is our intention to wave our hands around in the water for a while before descending the pool steps one by one in roughly two-minute increments,” said shrimpy little spokesman Stewart Orvis on behalf of fragile weaklings nationwide, adding that should the water temperature at any point give them shivers or goosebumps, they reserved the right to retreat back up to the previous step until they felt more comfortable. “We expect our nine-part plan to take no less than 15 minutes to bring the water up to waist level, at which point we intend to assess whether we want to mill around in the shallow end close to the steps indefinitely, or if we would like to pursue going all the way under. Should we choose the latter option, we would then begin a second 15-minute phase of the process, during which we would build up the nerve to finally plug our noses, close our eyes, and briefly dunk our heads.” At press time, a spokesman for the nation’s jerks announced plans to just push the pansies right in.
Coworker Retreats To Remote Corner Of Office To Complete Disgusting Food Order #~# SEATTLE—In an effort to ensure that none of his coworkers would be within earshot of his call, DocuSign employee David Olson reportedly retreated to a remote corner of the office Friday to complete a particularly disgusting food order. “I’ll get that with bacon, extra mayo, and ranch dressing,” said the 32-year-old account manager, who reportedly lowered his voice to a whisper while craning his neck to double-check that the coast was still clear. “Make sure to hold the lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumbers. Does it cost extra to swap the side salad for the chili cheese fries?” At press time, a hunched-over Olson was frantically devouring the food at his desk to prevent his coworkers from noticing the shameful meal.
Frustrated Debate Moderator Reminds Audience To Refrain From John Kasich Chants While Other Candidates Speaking #~# CLEVELAND—After the fourth such interruption of the night forced him to pause Thursday’s Republican presidential debate, frustrated moderator Chris Wallace sternly reminded attendees to refrain from any John Kasich chants while other candidates were speaking. “Please, ladies and gentlemen, let’s keep this debate respectful,” said Wallace over the din of the effusive crowd, admonishing audience members for cutting into Chris Christie’s time by erupting into loud impromptu chants of “Ka-Sich! Ka-Sich! Ka-Sich!” “I don’t want to have to call security, but if you continue to chant loudly and hiss at the other participants, I will have each person in the audience removed. Aw, for Christ’s sake, not again.” At press time, half the crowd was shouting “John” while the other half responded with “Kasich.”
Trump Delivers Anecdote About Small Business Owner Who Isn’t Half The Man He Is #~# CLEVELAND—Noting that there are millions of entrepreneurs throughout the country who are in the same difficult position, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump responded to a question about the economy at Thursday night’s primary debate by sharing an anecdote about meeting a struggling small business owner who isn’t half the man he is. “Last month, I was speaking with John Perkins, a good, hardworking fellow who runs his own grocery store in Waterloo, Iowa, and who, like so many others out there, is a pathetic, small-time loser without a single shred of my business skills,” said Trump, who explained that Perkins’ recent struggles to keep his business afloat are a direct result of his incompetence and total lack of qualifications for the job, adding that Perkins’ “embarrassing rinky-dink operation is peanuts” compared to The Trump Organization. “This bozo has no idea what he’s doing. In fact, he might be the worst grocery store owner in the entire state of Iowa. I could run a grocery store that’s 1,000 times better than this lightweight’s. But he’s worried his kids may not be able to go to college, and it’s no surprise, given how stupid those little slobs sounded when I talked to them. I’m telling you, this family has no shot. No shot.” Trump added that under his administration, he will buy out morons like Perkins and turn their businesses into the finest, top-of-the-line moneymakers.
Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was #~# CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older. “We used to get into these half-hour-long ordeals where we’d both get pretty worked up, but now they seem to run out of energy pretty quickly and just stop talking if I go on for more than a few minutes,” said Wallace, who explained that she used to relish those times when she could get her parents to give some ground on a disagreement, but that their advancing age had left them unwilling, or unable, to put up much more than a meager challenge that she could easily shout down. “They gave me a little pushback just now when I insisted that living in the city was better than living in the suburbs, but then they were quiet the rest of the time and finally just said ‘Well, you’re an adult’ when I was done. There’s no pleasure in winning like that.” At press time, Wallace’s assertion that she was still single out of choice had been met with the unsatisfying response “I guess only you know what’s best for you.” 
Bobby Jindal Vows To Return America To Time When He Was Rising Republican Star #~# CLEVELAND—Hailing the bygone era as a golden age of opportunity, Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal spent his opening remarks during Thursday’s GOP debate vowing to return America to a time when he was a rising star within the Republican Party. “I want to bring America back to its best days, back when our future as a nation looked bright and I was widely considered to be the leading voice of a new generation of conservatives,” said Jindal, emphasizing that the country had strayed too far from the halcyon days that Americans enjoyed for a brief period in early 2009. “Comparing our nation today to where it was during that idyllic time when I was being touted as a potential heir to the Ronald Reagan legacy, anyone can plainly see that the most powerful country in the world has lost its way and replaced hopefulness and optimism with utter despair.” If allowed to guide America back to that “glorious era,” Jindal pledged he’d never attempt to deliver a rebuttal to any charismatic Democrat’s national address, a significant miscalculation that he blamed for plunging the country into its current dark age.
Spicy Foods Could Increase Lifespan #~# A study that observed nearly half a million people over a seven-year span found that those who consumed more spicy foods such as chili peppers showed a reduced overall risk of death, as well as reduced risk of developing cancer or heart disease. What do you think?
What To Expect From Tonight’s GOP Debate #~# The first Republican primary debate will air Thursday evening on Fox News and will feature the top 10 polling candidates, with Donald Trump in a strong lead, as they field questions from moderators Bret Baier, Megyn Kelly, and Chris Wallace. Here’s what to expect during tonight’s debate:
Patriots Tired Of Jimmy Garoppolo Beginning Every Huddle With ‘This Is My Team Now’ #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Complaining that the quarterback has kept up the annoying habit throughout training camp, several members of the New England Patriots admitted to reporters Thursday that they have grown tired of Jimmy Garoppolo beginning every huddle by stating “This is my team now.” “He’s always taking time before calling the play to remind us that Tom’s gone and he’s running the show—it’s really starting to get on everyone’s nerves,” said Patriots receiver Danny Amendola, adding that Garoppolo slowly makes eye contact with each of the 10 other offensive players while reiterating that he is the undisputed face of the franchise. “We usually get to the line of scrimmage with around five seconds left on the play clock because he keeps telling everybody to forget about Tom and look up to him now. And I don’t know how many more times I can stand hearing him tell us that if we have a problem with a play call, we should take it up with his Super Bowl ring.” Team sources also confirmed that every player on the Patriots roster has thus far refused to call Garoppolo by his self-appointed nickname, “The Future.”
Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket #~# ISLA GRANDE DEL MAÍZ, NICARAGUA—Creeping stealthily into the bungalow where John Kerry lay sleeping after a trade summit Thursday, Nicaraguan Minister of Foreign Affairs Samuel Santos López, illuminated only by a sliver of moon, reportedly slid open the lid of a small pine box and released a deadly Brazilian wandering spider onto the blanket of his American counterpart. “Sweet dreams, Señor Kerry,” the black-clad Santos López whispered as the 6-inch arachnid crawled up the secretary of state’s bedsheets and, after a momentary pause as it reached Kerry’s bare neck, stepped off the blanket and onto his exposed skin. “We always said your support of the WTO’s Trade Facilitation Agreement might one day come back to bite you.” At press time, Kerry awoke in terrified paralysis, his eyes widening in horror as the highly venomous spider crept slowly to the bridge of his nose.
Bonobos Make Sounds Like Human Infants #~# Though many species of apes only vocalize to express their emotional state, researchers have found that the bonobo species native to Congo made “peep” sounds unrelated to specific objectives or emotions, much like human infants engage in babbling. What do you think?
Kermit, Miss Piggy Announce Breakup #~# A month before the premiere of their new primetime show on ABC, popular Muppet characters Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy have announced in joint online statements that they are splitting up after “thoughtful consideration and considerable squabbling.” What do you think?
Poll: Majority Of Voters Not Looking For Serious, Long-Term Candidate Right Now #~# WASHINGTON—With most respondents stating that they simply aren’t ready for such a major commitment, a Gallup poll released Wednesday confirmed that a majority of Americans are not looking for a serious, long-term candidate right now.
The Pros And Cons Of Trophy Hunting #~# Following the death of Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe, many governments are beginning to question the ethics and fallout of trophy hunting as a sport, while others say the arguments against it are overblown. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of big-game hunting:
Marco Rubio Climbs Over Garden Wall For Forbidden Midnight Meeting With Super PAC #~# WASHINGTON—Vaulting the ivy-covered garden wall and padding silently to the rendezvous spot beneath the lightly swaying linden trees, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) reportedly engaged in a forbidden midnight meeting Wednesday with a super PAC supporting his presidential campaign. “I know what will happen if they catch us like this, but I needed to see you,” said Rubio, telling the Conservative Solutions PAC that no cruel regulation would stop him from coordinating with the fundraising committee he cherished above all others in the world. “Let the Federal Election Commission try to keep us apart. I don’t care. We were meant to run this campaign together, and I would rather die than do it without you by my side.” At press time, however, a tearful Rubio was telling his beloved 501(c) organization to always remember how important saturating early primary states with attack ads is before disappearing back into the warm summer night.
Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full #~# BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full. “I’ve nearly maxed out the aches and pains in his stomach and pumped out a ton of sweat on his brow, but he just keeps on shoveling down waffle fries,” reported Dugan’s body, adding that it had already tried some nausea, abdominal bloating, and a bout of acid reflux, none of which had slowed Dugan’s consumption in the slightest. “I’m pretty much out of options at this point. Short of physically locking his jaw shut, I don’t know what else can be done.” At press time, the man’s body was briefly contemplating giving him a heart attack.
‘Thigh Reading’ Trend Takes Hold On Social Media #~# In an effort to subvert mainstream beauty standards and celebrate all bodies equally, thousands of women are promoting the hashtag #thighreading and posting pictures of their thighs to social media, many of which depict stretch marks, scars, and cellulite. What do you think?
Report: More Americans Turning To Louder Sources For Their News #~# PHILADELPHIA—Saying that the trend signals a major shift in the media landscape, a report issued Thursday by the University of Pennsylvania revealed that a growing number of Americans are turning to louder sources for their news. “Over the past 10 years, media-consumption habits have changed markedly as more people eschew traditional news outlets in favor of sources that report the latest stories at a far higher volume,” said the study’s lead author Emily Harding, noting that audiences for television and radio programs that deliver news in a reasonable, non-damaging tone of voice have fallen by nearly 40 percent since last decade. “Respondents were shown one well-reported clip of environmentally sustainable practices on a large dairy farm, followed by a second, poorly-reported but eardrum-shattering clip about how factory farms have ripped open the ozone and will lead to our impending doom. Given the thunderous din of the latter, it wasn’t surprising which one they trusted more. It seems, for a steadily growing segment of the population, that heavily blaring, borderline deafening media outlets are their only source of news.” Harding added that if current trends continue, the U.S. news cycle is likely to reach tornado siren levels exceeding 125 decibels by 2020.
Actual Problem A Nice Change Of Pace For Anxious Man #~# NEW YORK—After his laptop suddenly stopped working earlier this week, chronically anxious man Henry Geller, 36, confirmed to reporters how nice it was to have an actual problem to worry about for a change. “I’ve got to say, it’s pretty refreshing to obsessively agonize over a real, concrete issue instead of some artificial mental construction,” said Geller, pointing out how much of a pleasure it has been to explain his problem to other people and, in response, hear them agree that he’s facing a difficult predicament rather than offering repeated assurances that the concern is solely in his head. “This is actually kind of nice; it’s not some insignificant nonissue that I’ve blown way out of proportion or a vague, unspecific sense of dread that’s causing me to torment myself all day long, but an objective event that legitimately happened in the world. It’s a great change of pace.” Geller added that he plans to enjoy the feeling for a few more hours until he wakes up in the middle of the night terrified that he is inadequate in every aspect of his life and that everyone he encounters can sense it.
FDA Approves First 3D-Printed Drug #~# The FDA has approved a pill for treating seizures that’s produced via 3D printing, which researchers say will increase the accuracy of dosages and provide more customization options for patients. What do you think?
How Campaigns Spend Their Money #~# The 2016 election cycle is shaping up to be the most expensive in American history, with most presidential candidates already having raised tens of millions of dollars for their respective campaigns. Here is a breakdown of just how that money is spent:
Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds. “The first five or six seconds were pretty boring, so I decided to just head out of the arena a bit early so I could beat the traffic,” a visibly disappointed Acosta told reporters, noting that the bout’s unexciting first tenth of a minute had produced little more than some jostling and light jabs, so he simply assumed that the rest of the fight would be just as uneventful. “I had no idea I would end up missing such a crazy knockout right after that. God, I’m such an idiot.” Acosta further lamented that he was not among the lucky spectators who began leaving their seats around the 25th second, yet turned around upon hearing the crowd’s reaction and managed to see the fight’s conclusion.
I Want You To Know I’m Just Trying To Replace Your Mom #~# Hey, can we talk?
FDA Report Finds Food Prevents Hunger 98% Of Time When Properly Used #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—In its largest study of safe dietary practices to date, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that when used correctly, food is successful in preventing hunger approximately 98 percent of the time. “After researching the effects of nourishment, we found that if people put food in their mouth and make sure to get it all the way down to the base of their esophagus, hunger can be averted almost every time,” said FDA spokesman Ken Simmons, who during a press conference demonstrated the proper usage of food with a banana. “Granted, there’s no 100-percent foolproof way to avoid getting hungry, but we can make a huge difference by ensuring people know the facts: that food can’t be reused once it’s been eaten, that the outer wrapping must be removed first, and that they should always check the expiration date.” Simmons went on to commend the many U.S. schools that offer free meals to students, but warned that they would be ineffective without proper instruction on when and how to eat them.
Hitchhiking Robot Destroyed On Cross-Country Trip #~# HitchBOT, a robotic travel companion created by researchers as a social experiment, was destroyed by unknown vandals in Philadelphia this week on its hitchhiking tour of the U.S., saddening the robot’s many admirers who followed its earlier trips through Europe and Canada. What do you think?
Hillary Clinton Runs First Presidential Campaign Ads #~# The first TV ads of Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign will run on Tuesday in Iowa and New Hampshire and will focus primarily on Hillary’s mother, Dorothy Rodham, with Clinton explaining that her mother inspired her to advocate for families. What do you think?
Bernie Sanders Clearly In Pocket Of High-Rolling Teacher Who Donated $300 To His Campaign #~# BURLINGTON, VT—After accepting a check sent to his campaign office by a local elementary school teacher, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was roundly criticized Monday as being firmly in the pocket of the high-rolling educator who had donated $300. “He might have the reputation of being the people’s candidate, but when your candidacy is effectively bankrolled by the multi-hundred-dollar donation of a fourth-grade teacher, it’s clear who’s really pulling the strings,” said political analyst Peter Mathews, who noted that when a check arrives with a handwritten note that says “Behind you 100 percent, Bernie!” it comes with certain expectations. “He’s already spouting off talking points about supporting unions and increasing funding for education. Where do you think he got those ideas? He might think he’s not influenced by that money, but when someone has deep enough pockets to drop $300, you pick up the phone when they call.” Mathews went on to say he wouldn’t be surprised if Sanders’ strong support for a living wage could be directly traced to the fat $20 contribution he got from a fast-food worker.
Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan #~# President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan: 
Alarming Study Finds 60% Of Americans Don’t Know Where Their Next Value Meal Going To Come From #~# WASHINGTON—Highlighting a disturbing reality for many individuals and families throughout the country, a study published Friday by the U.S. Department of Agriculture revealed that an alarming 60 percent of Americans have no idea where their next value meal will come from. “Our research found that at any given time, three out of five U.S. residents cannot state where they’ll be getting their next combo meal, whether it’s McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC, or some other franchise location,” said the report’s lead author, Alexis Stamn, noting that in the most disaffected areas of the country, less than 10 percent of residents could confidently tell researchers exactly what combination of burger, fries, and soft drink or shake they’d be having for dinner. “It’s shocking to think of the millions of children in the U.S. who come home from school every day and simply don’t know whether or not their parents will put an Arby’s Angus steak sandwich or something from the Taco Bell Dollar Cravings menu on the table that night. Just think of what that does to a child.” The study also found that during the past month, a staggering one-eighth of all American children under the age of 10 had gone a full 24 hours without eating a single Happy Meal.
Google Street View Cars To Start Measuring Air Pollution #~# Teaming up with a startup called Aclima, Google is equipping its Street View cars with sensors that will monitor pollution across the San Francisco Bay Area and collect data on overall air quality, a move that Google reps say will lead to “smarter decisions that add up to change.” What do you think?
Humanity Still Producing New Art As Though Megadeth’s ‘Rust In Peace’ Doesn’t Already Exist #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that any further endeavors of technical skill and imagination were pointless, experts at the Smithsonian Institution reportedly questioned Monday why new art was still being produced after the pinnacle of aesthetic and creative potential was reached in 1990 with Megadeth’s fourth studio album, Rust In Peace. “As the unquestioned apex of the entire history of the creative arts, Rust In Peace is the finest and last necessary piece of human expression—but it’s almost as though current so-called artists are completely oblivious to Dave Mustaine’s blistering, transcendent guitar work on ‘Hangar 18,’” said Smithsonian curator of contemporary art Joanna Marsh, gesturing dismissively in the direction of a massive self-portrait by photorealist Chuck Close, completed in 2000. “It’s not just incredibly disrespectful to keep making art; in many ways, it’s actually quite sad. The deluded people churning out this worthless garbage just can’t seem to reconcile themselves to the fact that their pathetic little sculptures and films and novels and whatnot will always pale in comparison to the brilliantly inspired, heart-stopping tempo shift halfway through ‘Holy Wars… The Punishment Due.’” At press time, a spokesperson from the Centre Pompidou in Paris confirmed the museum’s plans to throw out the contents of an entire wing and leave a massive, pure white space where the track “Lucretia” will be played on loop at full volume.
Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean #~# ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday. “We were just walking along the shore when we came upon this heartbreaking scene of a pile of garbage left stuck on the sand, and we realized that we had to act quickly,” said Marie Thomas, 41, recalling how she and several strangers came together to lift the trapped rubbish and gently carry it back down to the water. “It was nerve-racking during those first few moments after we set it back in the ocean, but eventually it dipped beneath the surface and floated back out to sea. It felt good to get the garbage back out there with its own kind. Thank God we stumbled upon it when we did.” Despite an increase in recent beaching events, experts have assured the public that oceanic garbage is not threatened and that its population continues to rise, and advised citizens not to worry at all.
Tearful Andrew Luck Hugs Knees To Chest While Listening To Chuck Pagano, Ryan Grigson Fighting Downstairs #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Cowering in the dark at the top of the locker room steps, a tearful Andrew Luck reportedly hugged his knees to his chest Wednesday while listening to Colts head coach Chuck Pagano and general manager Ryan Grigson fighting downstairs. “They’ve been yelling for a while, and I’m pretty sure I heard them say ‘Andrew,’” said the visibly distraught quarterback, shuddering as the sound of raised voices echoed loudly in the stairwell. “Mr. Grigson was shouting that he signed enough talent and coach doesn’t know what to do with it. Then coach screamed ‘I can’t stand this anymore’ and ‘I hate you.’ Why can’t they just stop fighting all the time?” Luck then reportedly began trembling after hearing a loud crash followed by a disconcerting silence.
Falling TVs Pose Growing Risk To Children #~# Researchers analyzing data from 29 countries have found that in the age of large flat-screen TVs, more children are being injured by unstable television sets toppling onto them, with doctors recommending that flat-screens be securely mounted to the wall as a preventative measure. What do you think?
New Evidence Confirms First Human Ancestors Climbed Down From Trees To Retrieve Dropped Snack #~# TEMPE, AZ—Providing a definitive explanation as to how and why early humans evolved away from their closest primate relatives, researchers at the Arizona State University Institute of Human Origins presented findings Tuesday confirming that our species’ first ancestors began to climb down from trees to retrieve snacks they had dropped.
PETA Seeks Copyright For Primate #~# A lawsuit filed by PETA last week claims that a series of now-famous “monkey selfies” snapped by a macaque who stole a photographer’s camera should be considered the legal property of the macaque himself, with the proceeds from the copyright going entirely to primate conservation efforts. What do you think?
Death Row Inmate Can’t Deny He Curious To See How State Pulls Off Lethal Injection #~# STARKE, FL—Shortly after the official scheduling of his execution date, convicted murderer Thomas McGuire admitted to reporters Wednesday that he is curious to see how the state is going to pull off his lethal injection. “I’ve been spending a lot of time praying and trying to find peace, but I have to admit, I also find myself genuinely wondering how they’re going to even get this thing off the ground,” said McGuire, adding that the Florida Department of Corrections and state prosecutors have been talking a big game for years about administering justice for his crimes, but haven’t once mentioned how they plan to circumvent the nationwide pentobarbital shortage and put their money where their mouth is. “Even if they can manage to get an untested mix of chemicals from some distributor, I’m a pretty big guy—there’s a good chance they won’t even have enough to finish me off. Honestly, if they actually make this happen, I’ll be impressed.” If the state does prove able to kill him, McGuire said he puts the estimate on the length of time it will take to be declared dead at one hour, 48 minutes.
Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’ #~# ‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says
How The MacArthur Genius Grants Are Awarded #~# The 24 recipients of the 2015 MacArthur Foundation “genius grants” were announced Tuesday, with each fellow given a no-strings-attached gift of $625,000 over five years to pursue their boldest artistic, academic, or scientific work. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the MacArthur Foundation awards its grants:
Liquid Water Found On Mars #~# NASA revealed Monday that they have found evidence of liquid water on the surface of Mars trapped in salt molecules called perchlorates, pointing to the possibility of life on the red planet more definitively than ever before. What do you think?
New Aetna Wedding Registry Lets Guests Purchase Medical Procedures Couple Picked Out #~# HARTFORD, CT—Allowing engaged policyholders to begin their lives together with a supply of prepaid doctor’s appointments and inpatient services, health insurance company Aetna debuted a wedding registry option on its website this week that lets friends and family members purchase medical procedures picked out by the couple. “My friends Patrick [Harwood] and Natalie [Garcia] signed up for the Aetna registry and chose exactly which prenatal screenings and prescription medication copays they wanted, so I knew I’d be getting them something they could really use,” said Minneapolis resident Jane Chazen, who noted that selecting from among the 80 items on the registry was a great way to show her affection for her friends and help start them out right, rather than leaving the young couple to pay on their own for all the medical expenses they’ll need in the future. “Pat’s groomsmen all went in together on a knee arthroscopy for him because he’s got bad joints. By the time I visited the registry, someone had already gotten them the CT scan, but I picked out some blood tests, which is good because I know they’ll definitely need them. Plus, it’s nice to know they’ll be thinking of me when they use them.” When reached at press time, Chazen confirmed that no one had yet to touch the couple’s $2,120 annual deductible.
God Has Kind Of A Loose Outline For Us All #~# There are times in life when we’re faced with challenges that seem insurmountable. We may feel lost and alone, abandoned in a world with no hope of relief and nowhere to turn. We may even feel as though life itself isn’t worth living. It’s important, at such times, to remember that God is always with us, and that He has sort of a loose outline in mind for each and every one of us.
‘Ground Zero Mosque’ Developer Now Proposing Luxury Condos #~# After purchasing a Ground Zero–adjacent lot in 2009 with plans to build an Islamic cultural center, developer Sharif El-Gamal was met with such outrage that he abandoned the project in 2011 and revealed a proposal this week to instead build luxury condos at the site. What do you think?
Department Of Education Hires Art Teacher To Spread Evenly Across All U.S. Public Schools #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing their desire to provide American students with a well-rounded education, officials from the Department of Education announced Tuesday they had hired 26-year-old art teacher Kelsey Alexander to be spread evenly across all U.S. public schools. “Ms. Alexander is a well-qualified teacher, and we have the utmost confidence that she will provide quality art instruction to our nation’s students as she rotates through each of the 98,000 public schools in this country,” said Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, who explained that Alexander will teach a 40-minute studio art course to each of the grade levels at a different school each day, beginning with Colby High School in Denver on Wednesday, until she eventually visits every school in the nation, at which point she will cycle back to the beginning and start again. “An education in the visual arts is a vital part of every child’s education, and with Ms. Alexander’s hiring, we can now guarantee that each student in America will have an art class at some point during their K-through-12 years. We know she will make a wonderful addition to every single school district in the country.” As of press time, Alexander had spent an estimated $3.2 million out of pocket on the art supplies needed for her lessons.
Tips For Training Your Dog #~# Bringing a dog into the family can be as difficult as it is rewarding, and pet owners must set rules and boundaries for the newest members of their household. Here are The Onion’s tips for training your dog:
U.N. General Assembly Begins #~# The 70th session of the United Nations General Assembly kicks off today, wherein 193 member states will discuss prominent issues such as global warming and the ongoing conflict in Syria. What do you think?
Goals Of The U.N. General Assembly #~# The 70th United Nations General Assembly takes place this week, with member countries focusing on plans to address global sustainability, economic growth, and the Syrian refugee crisis, among other major topics. Here are the main goals of this year’s assembly:
Nation Demands NASA Stop Holding Press Conferences Until They Discover Some Little Alien Guys #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they only wanted to hear announcements about actual cool stuff in space, millions of impatient Americans flat-out demanded Monday that NASA stop holding all press conferences until they discover some little alien guys. “Nobody even cares that there’s some water on Mars; we have water on Earth—so you shouldn’t even bother having a stupid press conference unless there’s proof of alien guys with a bunch of eyes or tentacles or something,” said Fort Wayne, IN resident Kyle Schultz, echoing the sentiment of Americans across the country who insisted that NASA stop telling them about new black holes, asteroids, or a type of element on another planet’s surface until they have pictures of orange or purple aliens running around a weird futuristic city. “And none of that microscopic organism crap. It should be real alien dudes with way more arms than humans and that can talk using their minds instead of their mouths. We really don’t want to know about any new types of rocks or that the temperature on a faraway world is hotter or colder.” At press time, the U.S. populace had immediately stopped listening to a press conference on the Mars rover’s progress into Marathon Valley after realizing it did not involve brokering a peace treaty with a village of little alien guys who lived there.
NFL Week Three Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the third week of the 2015 NFL season:
Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today #~# ‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says
Alarming Report Finds Only 6% Of Earth’s Surface Indoors #~# LAWRENCE, KS—Drawing attention to the distressing prevalence of outside areas on the planet, researchers at the University of Kansas released an alarming report Monday revealing that a mere 6 percent of the Earth’s surface is actually indoors. “Our team found that a shocking 185 million square miles across the globe are fully out-of-doors in the open air,” said lead researcher Priya Chatterjee, adding that on all seven continents, there exist vast stretches of forests, mountain ranges, and bodies of water that are completely exposed to the elements, without so much as a single room where an individual might go inside and relax. “It is quite disconcerting to realize that nearly all of the Earth’s surface is outside, unprotected from meteorological conditions. The reality is that the vast majority of the planet is at risk of getting cold, windblown, or totally soaked.” The report also concluded that more research was necessary to determine whether certain as-yet-unclassified locations, such as gazebos, courtyards, and breezeways, should be categorized as indoors or outdoors.
Yogurt Cups Harming Skunk Population #~# Yoplait yogurt has evidently been posing a risk to wildlife due to the product’s tapered cup and foil lid, with animal advocates citing an especially high death toll among skunks whose muzzles get stuck in the containers and suffocate, a problem that Yoplait has allegedly known about since 1998 but has done little to address. What do you think?
Wild-Eyed Jim Harbaugh Informs Players They Must Kill Their Pregame Meal #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Stressing the importance of physical and mental preparation for their upcoming game against UNLV, a wild-eyed, frenzied Jim Harbaugh reportedly informed all University of Michigan players Saturday that they would have to kill their pregame meal themselves. “You have four hours to track, catch, and slaughter your food before kickoff,” Harbaugh said during a 7 a.m. team meeting, adding that any tools or weapons must be crafted from materials found in the wilderness, otherwise players would have to use their bare hands. “Skipping the pregame meal is not an option. Those who do not catch their meal will not eat.” At press time, deliriously starving Michigan starting quarterback Jake Rudock had tackled an elk and ripped its throat out before frantically feasting on its meat.
Horrified Pope Calls Philadelphia Humanity’s Greatest Sin Against God #~# PHILADELPHIA—Visibly aghast as he took the pulpit at the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul in Philadelphia to deliver a sermon Saturday, a horrified Pope Francis reportedly referred to the city as a “blighted abomination, forsaken by Heaven” and “humanity’s greatest sin against God.” “In my travels, I have seen countless examples of man’s inhumanity toward his fellow man, the most utter wretchedness, and the vilest iniquity, but in this place and in these people I see a darkness blacker than all the world’s evils. God has fled this town,” said the ashen-faced pontiff, recoiling in disgust from the assembled crowd while describing the Philadelphia metro area as “the only corner of Creation where the light of the Lord does not shine.” “The love of Christ falls upon us all, even the lowliest of the low—but not Philadelphia. Touch me not, for you are the unholiest of all that is unholy. I can offer no blessings here, where all that is, and all who are, are an affront to God.” After concluding his prepared remarks, the pope reportedly led the congregation in a prayer for God to rain cleansing fire and brimstone over the city and then salt the smoldering Earth so that no wickedness could ever again arise in its place.
Pope Spends Day In NYC #~# Pope Francis’ visit to the U.S. continues today with a full slate of events in New York City, including an address to the UN General Assembly, a visit to the 9/11 Memorial and Museum, a parade through Central Park, and concluding with an evening mass at Madison Square Garden. What do you think?
Mike Florio Loses 3 Fingers After Accident While Working At ProFootballTalk Rumor Mill #~# BRIDGEPORT, WV—Noting that the 50-year-old was in stable condition after the grisly injury, sources confirmed Friday that veteran sportswriter Mike Florio lost three fingers on his right hand following an accident while working in the ProFootballTalk Rumor Mill. “Mike was trying to extract some new information about the injury status of Drew Brees, and his hand just wound up getting caught in the gears,” said foreman Tom Gibson, adding that emergency workers were forced to shut down the entire Rumor Mill for three hours in order to free Florio’s arm before rushing him to the hospital. “We have a pretty strict safety protocol, but the heavy steel machinery churns out gossip about players’ contract negotiations so quickly and across so many platforms that all it takes is one moment of carelessness for someone to get hurt. Mike is still a little shaken up—he almost went into shock after seeing his severed index finger get crushed inside the apparatus that breaks news on coaching changes—but honestly, he’s lucky he didn’t lose his whole hand.” Gibson confirmed that the accident was the Rumor Mill’s worst since 2011, when a spark caused a massive explosion that tragically killed 12 anonymous league sources.
Study: Humans Began Domesticating Animals To Comfort Children Whose Parents Split Up #~# LEXINGTON, KY—Providing insight into the customs and social dynamics of prehistoric populations, researchers at the University of Kentucky published a study Friday revealing that humans began domesticating wild animals in order to comfort children whose parents had separated. “According to our findings, our ancient ancestors first tamed and bred gray wolves some 30,000 to 40,000 years ago as a means of providing younger members of their hunter-gatherer societies with a loving companion to keep them occupied and feeling less alone as they dealt with the emotional trauma of their mother and father splitting up,” said lead researcher Ellen Wahl, adding that these early humans were likely inclined to select the most docile and obedient wolf cubs to bring back to their encampments in hopes of distracting these children from the painful changes they were experiencing in their day-to-day lives and the worries they felt about whether they were the cause of the breakup. “Canines would have been an ideal species for these Upper Paleolithic children to connect with during such an emotionally sensitive period given the animal’s loyalty and ability to easily travel along with children as they moved back and forth between their parents’ separate shelters.” Wahl cited further evidence indicating that similar factors may have eventually led to the taming of horses by Bronze Age people, as separated parents began attempting to outdo one another to compete for their children’s affection.
Area Man Got Good Amount Of Meat In That Last Bite #~# FORT DODGE, IA—Saying the first mouthful of the cheeseburger had been mostly bun and lettuce, local man Tony Rossetti confirmed Friday that he got a good amount of meat in that last bite. “That was a good one, mostly meat,” said Rossetti, who held up the sandwich and carefully scrutinized the cross-section of bread, meat, cheese, and condiments before continuing to consume the cheeseburger. “I hope the next bite is like that or even better. Right now, it looks like I’m in a pretty decent section of the cheeseburger.” At press time, Rossetti told reporters that the next bite also had a solid amount of meat.
Pope Francis Lays Hands On Ailing U.S. Infrastructure #~# NEW YORK—Treating the frail, long-overlooked structures with an unparalleled display of compassion, Pope Francis reportedly inspired a crowd of onlookers Friday by laying his hands upon the ailing United States infrastructure. “My heart just melted when I watched the pope interrupt his address to walk over and gently embrace this disfigured bridge cross-girder that was covered in unsightly rust,” said New York City resident John Reedy, one of thousands of observers reportedly moved to tears as the pontiff reached out to the weak and crippled metal framework, gingerly kissed the decayed surface, and then closed his eyes while blessing the neglected overpass. “Most people turn the other way when they see such mangled, hopeless infrastructure, but he showed it such tenderness and attention, like he was really willing it to heal. Who knows—maybe God will intervene and save these decrepit structures.” At press time, the Vicar of Christ reportedly called upon the crowd to pray for the swift and painless passing of the terminally ill education system he had recently encountered.
Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner #~# WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping. “I’ve got to have this duck confit ready for President Xi in just a few hours and I haven’t even finished applying the garlic rub yet,” Obama yelled from across the White House kitchen as he plated the prosciutto-stuffed mushroom appetizers before frantically dicing stalks of celery and sprinkling them over the green apple and walnut salad, and then tossing the peach cobblers into the oven. “Then we have poached salmon with Mousseline sauce for the third course and—my God, I forgot about the president’s seafood allergy!” At press time, a flustered Obama was using a piping bag to write the Chinese character for “friendship” on 150 tortes.
Syracuse Removes ‘Kiss Cam’ From Games #~# Syracuse University is considering the permanent removal of the popular “kiss cam” at sporting events after an open letter from a fan discouraged the practice, citing a recent incident where a woman was pressured into kissing a stranger when the two of them appeared on the Jumbotron. What do you think?
Life-Saving Drug More Accessible To Lab Rat Than Majority Of Americans #~# NEW YORK—Noting that the cost of the pharmaceutical drug places it out of reach for most of the U.S. populace, industry analysts confirmed Friday that the life-saving cancer medication Rizolafan remains far more accessible to a laboratory rat than to the vast majority of Americans. “While this drug has shown considerable efficacy in counteracting tumor growth, U.S. citizens who are currently suffering from advanced pancreatic or colorectal cancer are far less likely to obtain a desperately needed dose than any number of albino rodents locked in cages in a biotech firm’s animal lab,” said Mount Sinai chief of medicine Dr. Martin Aberg, who stated that the average rat infected with the terminal illness could expect to receive as much of the medication as needed, while the thousands of people suffering from the same disease who live in the wealthiest country in the world likely would not. “Whereas most cancer-stricken Americans face insurmountable barriers to receiving this drug, ranging from insufficient insurance coverage to unaffordable out-of-pocket costs, and despite the fact that such a treatment could ease their suffering and significantly extend their lives, it is nevertheless consistently and freely available to hundreds of rats, which do not have to contend with any such obstacles.” Analysts also confirmed that the average rodent was provided with more personalized and attentive care than nearly 98 percent of patients in American hospitals.
Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly #~# Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?
Home Inspector Warns That House Lacks Banister You Can Slide All The Way Down #~# ATHENS, GA—Saying he would personally be extremely wary of investing in a property with such a fundamental structural flaw, home inspector Samuel Finch warned local couple Irene and Matthew Gilman today that the house they were considering purchasing lacked a banister you can slide all the way down. “I hate to have such bad news to report, but it’s best you folks know now that the front staircase here does not have a railing you can sit on and zoom all the way down from top to bottom—it’s in pretty bad shape,” said Finch, adding that moving into a home with a banister that is smooth and wide enough to ensure a fast and stable ride would be particularly important if the couple was planning to start a family. “As you can see, the current railing is far too thin and angular to allow for a fun slide down. If you do buy this property, the banister is going to need around $1,500 worth of work, and more if you want a large, round post that stops you once you’ve gotten to the bottom. I would seriously reconsider moving forward with this deal if I were you.” Finch added that he would be happy to come back later if the couple ended up opting to renovate to ensure the banister was functioning correctly.
CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems #~# NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported. “I was initially skeptical of any aggressive growth strategy given the current size of our company’s problems, but after hearing Adam outline his proposals, I’m now completely confident that we can double the size of our problems over the next quarter,” said Janneson employee Wendy Lyman, noting that the CEO’s plan included changes that would create more issues across every department and significantly increase the number of difficulties and setbacks by the end of the year. “He certainly doesn’t have a traditional approach, but you can’t expect the kind of rapid, eye-catching deterioration of a company’s image and market value without taking a few risks along the way. It’s impressive to see someone with the ambition to maintain old problems the company already had while still finding a way to produce new complications. He’s really thinking big.” Lyman added that she was astonished by the CEO’s vow to dramatically expand problems without sacrificing employees’ terrible work-life balance.
World’s Oldest Decapitation Unearthed #~# Archaeologists digging in Brazil have unearthed a disembodied skull dating back 9,000 years, suggesting that ritual decapitation of community members was a custom deeply rooted in early hunter-gatherer culture, though the evidence suggests that the head was was only removed after death as a burial rite. What do you think?
Highlights Of Pope Francis’ Speech To Congress #~# Pope Francis began the third day of his U.S. trip by delivering an address to the joint houses of Congress, advising them on a few key issues such as climate change, immigration, and division of wealth. Here are the highlights of the pontiff’s speech:
Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game #~# ‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says
GOP Candidates Fiercely Divided Over How Much Voltage Border Wall Should Be Electrified With #~# WASHINGTON—With various proposals emerging as key components of each of the 2016 presidential hopefuls’ immigration policies, sources confirmed Thursday that the Republican field remains sharply divided regarding how much voltage should be used to electrify a border wall with Mexico. “This continues to be one of the most contentious issues within the GOP ranks, with more moderate voices like Jeb Bush advocating for the fence to deliver a mild shock of 75 volts, while others, such as Ted Cruz and Donald Trump, contend that no less than 20,000 volts coursing through the entire length of the 1,900-mile fence is needed to protect American interests,” said political analyst Bryant Suthers, adding that even candidates who typically share common ground, such as Mike Huckabee and Bobby Jindal, differ dramatically on how far backward they believe the fence’s electrical charge should blow would-be illegal immigrants when the wires are contacted. “And this is to say nothing of Ben Carson’s flip-flopping on whether to use a standard alternating current or a potentially more dangerous direct current, or the constant squabbling over how loudly the electrified wall should crackle and buzz to serve as a deterrent to any potential migrants and their children. It will be interesting to see which candidate’s views emerge victorious, as this is an issue that the party’s base is eager to see come to fruition.” Suthers noted, however, that none of the candidates had yet put forward any details about how they would fund the construction of the electrified wall or the specially trained border patrol units needed to scrape the charred remains of Mexicans off its surface.
Screen Actors Guild Develops Retraining Program For 30-Year-Old Actresses Aging Out Of Workforce #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to help open new doors for the many women struggling to readjust to life after performing, officials from the Screen Actors Guild‐American Federation of Television and Radio Artists spoke to reporters Thursday about the union’s new job-training program for 30-year-old actresses who have aged out of the workforce.
Study: Every Human Emits Unique Cloud Of Bacteria #~# Though it’s long been understood that trillions of bacteria live on and in the human body, researchers have found that each human emits a unique “microbial cloud” of their own bacteria, one so distinctive that these clouds might be sufficient to identify the person from whom they emanate. What do you think?
ACLU Stresses That It Legal To Film Garbage Men In All 50 States If You Really Need To #~# NEW YORK—Saying it was conceivable that refuse-related abuses might arise at some point, officials from the American Civil Liberties Union emphasized at a press conference Thursday that it is perfectly legal to film garbage men anywhere in the United States if you ever happen to find yourself needing to do so. “No matter where you live in this country, there are no laws prohibiting you from recording workers collecting trash, be it yours or anyone else’s, should you at any point find this situation necessary to get on video,” said ACLU senior policy analyst Jay Stanley, who stressed that while the sanitation workers might ask you to turn your camera off, it is well within your rights, if you ever end up in such circumstances for whatever reason, to politely refuse. “Not saying that you have to do this, or that you should do this, or anything like that—but just be aware that as long as you don’t antagonize them or interfere with their garbage collection, you can film them with your phones or cameras and they cannot legally confiscate your device or destroy any footage, supposing that’s something you deem to be an appropriate course of action.” Stanley added that, for what it’s worth, you can also film recycling employees if need be, but you should consult your individual state laws if you ever feel compelled to record scrap metal collectors.
Happy Birthday Song Ruled Out Of Copyright #~# A judge has ruled that the rights to the ‘Happy Birthday’ song, despite being held by the same party since 1988 and generating a profit of $2 million each year from the song’s use in movies and TV, are actually within the public domain and that the lyrics themselves were never copyrighted, which could lead to the return of royalties paid to use the song. What do you think?
Dolphins Coaches Trying To Fix Ndamukong Suh’s Quarterback-Throwing Mechanics #~# MIAMI—With the star defensive tackle struggling considerably in the first two weeks of the season, Miami Dolphins coaches told reporters Wednesday that they have been working closely with Ndamukong Suh to fix his quarterback-throwing mechanics. “Watching tape of him the past couple weeks, we’ve noticed Ndamukong hasn’t had his usual strength and accuracy, so we’re working with him to get back to the fundamentals of throwing the quarterback,” said Dolphins defensive coordinator Kevin Coyle, adding that Suh has had trouble with his release, often using an elongated sidearm motion that causes him to badly underthrow the quarterback downward and into the ground. “One of the big things we’re focusing on is his footwork, which has been pretty sloppy. We need him firmly planting his feet so he can really step into the throw, which will help put a lot more zip and distance on the quarterback.” Team sources later confirmed that Dolphins coaches were pleased after Suh precisely set his feet, extended his arm all the way in a crisp follow-through, and tossed practice squad quarterback Logan Thomas in a perfect spiral into the end zone.
Man Hates It When Other Guys Treat His Girlfriend With Respect #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Calling it a “major problem” that happens far too often, local man Tyler Harris, 26, told reporters Wednesday that he absolutely hates it when other guys come up to his girlfriend and treat her with respect. “All these dudes think they can just walk right up to Amanda and start speaking to her like she’s a fellow human being and I’m not gonna notice? They better back off,” said Harris, who added that anyone who’s considering asking her about her unique personal interests and desires or assumes she has opinions of her own should definitely think twice before trying anything. “What do they think they’re doing by attentively listening to what she has to say and considering her thoughts and feelings when interacting with her? She’s mine, and nobody talks to her like that—not if I have anything to do with it.” Harris concluded his warning with a promise to beat the shit out of any man who even so much as looked at his girlfriend like she was an intelligent, independent individual.
Company’s HR Manager Really Pushing Infinite-Deductible Health Care Plan #~# ROCHESTER, NY—During a meeting with new hires Wednesday to discuss employee benefits, Radian Analytics human resources manager Ellen Schultz is said to have strongly pushed the company’s infinite-deductible health care option.
Missouri Snake Gives Second Virgin Birth #~# Scientists are puzzled by a female yellow-bellied water snake in Missouri who has given birth for the second year in a row despite having no male contact for eight years, likely the result of asexual reproduction and the first such instance observed in this species. What do you think?
Pope Francis’ U.S. Itinerary #~# Pope Francis is making his first visit to the U.S. this week, with stops in Washington, D.C., New York City, and Philadelphia as he speaks to government officials and conducts large-scale masses. Here is a full itinerary of the pope’s visit:
Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker #~# MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate. “The moment Scott Walker said he was suspending his campaign, there they were, smiling and waving to the crowd—it was incredibly frightening,” said local resident Jordan Ottinger, who recalled the wave of terrified gasps that washed over the room when those in attendance began to realize that the clean-cut middle-aged men in suits who suddenly showed up behind Walker were each accompanied by a full staff of aides and supporters holding campaign signs. “They just materialized, fully formed and already talking about conservative values. The scariest thing is that Walker was clearly defeated, but these candidates look fresh and strong, like they might have enough money and support to keep campaigning all the way to the primaries. My God, what do we do?” Sources confirmed that the crowd then began screaming and scattered in fear as the three new candidates descended from the dais and attempted to shake their hands.
Peanut Executive Gets 28 Years In Prison #~# Former Peanut Corporation of America owner Stewart Parnell was sentenced to 28 years in prison this week for a 2008 incident in which he knowingly shipped salmonella-tainted products and faked lab results to make them appear safe, leading to nine deaths and 714 illnesses. What do you think?
You Get Into This Business For The Ear And The Nose, But The Throat Grows On You #~# I’m often asked by acquaintances and patients about how I decided on my medical specialty, and, as much as I’m reluctant to admit it now with all the perspective I’ve gained after more than 20 years in the field, I can tell you that it certainly wasn’t because I loved every aspect of this line of work—not even close. As anyone in my profession will admit, you get into this business for two reasons and two reasons only: the ear and the nose.
Pope Francis Reverses Position On Capitalism After Seeing Wide Variety Of American Oreos #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting the startling discovery had compelled him to reexamine his long-held beliefs, His Holiness Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he had reversed his critical stance toward capitalism after seeing the immense variety of Oreos available in the United States. “Oh, my goodness, look at all these! Golden Oreos, Cookie Dough Oreos, Mega Stuf Oreos, Birthday Cake Oreos—perhaps the system of free enterprise is not as terrible as I once feared,” said the visibly awed bishop of Rome while visiting a Washington, D.C. supermarket, adding that the sheer diversity of flavors, various colors and quantities of creme filling, and presence or absence of an outer fudge layer had led to a profound philosophical shift in his feelings toward the global economy and opened his eyes to the remarkable capabilities of the free market. “Only a truly exceptional and powerful economic system would be capable of producing so many limited-edition and holiday-themed flavors of a single cookie brand, such as these extraordinary Key Lime Pie Oreos and Candy Corn Oreos. This is not a force of global impoverishment at all, but one of endless enrichment.” At press time, the pontiff had reportedly withdrawn his acceptance of capitalism, calling any system that would unleash a Roadhouse Chili Monster Slim Jim on the public “an unholy abomination.”
Top-Selling iTunes App Pulled After 3 Days #~# Just days after launching Peace, a paid ad-blocking app that quickly became a beloved top seller, developer Marco Arment pulled the product and offered a refund to customers, citing a crisis of conscience about hurting businesses that depend on ad revenue. What do you think?
House Lawmakers Brainstorming Some Good Things To Say About Poor People Before Meeting Pope Francis #~# WASHINGTON—Gathering together outside the House chamber to trade ideas Tuesday, the nation’s lawmakers reportedly brainstormed complimentary things they could say about poor people when they meet with Pope Francis later this week. “This guy’s really interested in the poor, so we should have something nice to say, like, I don’t know, how they’re salt-of-the-earth people or how they’re humble or something like that,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), one of several dozen representatives who stood around struggling for nearly half an hour to come up with any positive associations they felt toward the country’s impoverished population. “Boy, this is hard. The bottom line is that we can’t say anything that will come back to bite us later, like implying that they’re in need of assistance or that they deserve better. Let’s just scrape together a sentence or two vaguely praising them and then we can move on to something much more comfortable, like abortion.” At press time, Boehner was frustratedly shaking his head after realizing he and his colleagues would likely have to come up with something positive to say about peace, as well.
Local Teen Quits Club That Would’ve Been Tiebreaker In Admission To Dream School #~# NOVI, MI—Citing his desire for a slightly less hectic schedule that would allow him a little free time during his senior year, local student Matt Reynolds, 17, reportedly decided this week to quit a club that would have set his application apart from others and secured his admission to his dream college. “I’ve still got French club and the academic decathlon, not to mention writing for our student newspaper, but I thought it might be nice to have Tuesday and Thursday afternoons off this year, so I dropped debate,” said Reynolds, whose note to the club’s faculty advisor saying that he would no longer be attending meetings had, in essence, made the admissions officers’ rejection decision for them. “It was always a lot of extra work, including a bunch of weekend competitions, and I guess I’d rather spend some time hanging out with my friends before I head off to [an undesirable second-choice] college.” At press time, Reynolds had just cost himself $14,000 in future scholarship money by opting to take Advanced Biology over the AP-level course.
NFL Week Two Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the second week of the 2015 NFL season:
Ethical Hunter Throws Duck He Shot Back Into Sky #~# PEPIN, WI—Taking care to restore the bird to its natural habitat in a timely manner, ethical hunter Rick Streeter threw a mallard duck back into the sky Monday shortly after shooting it, sources confirmed. “I’m only into hunting for the sport, so every time I shoot a duck, I make sure to toss him back into his home up in the air once I’m done,” said Streeter after gently lobbing the downed duck skyward, stressing that the compassionate practice of shoot-and-release allowed him to enjoy the thrill of the hunt while ensuring that the waterfowl could return to its airborne life after a brief, temporary inconvenience. “Sometimes, if I shoot a duck that’s really big or impressive, I’ll take a picture holding it up afterward, but that’s it—right after that, I throw it back up above me. I feel good knowing that I can just let it go into the air and it’ll go right back to flapping around with the rest of its kind.” Streeter noted, however, that even the most skilled hunter occasionally fails to release a duck in time, thereby causing the bird to sink down to the bottom of the sky.
Viola Davis Celebrates Historic Emmy Win #~# Viola Davis made history Sunday night as the first black woman to win an Emmy for Lead Actress in a Drama, highlighting in her acceptance speech the lack of such opportunities for women of color, explaining that “you cannot win an Emmy for roles that are simply not there.” What do you think?
Pope Francis Kills 3 Hours Milling Around Atlanta Airport During Layover To D.C. #~# ATLANTA—Surveying the variety of travel pillows and support cushions as he browsed through a Brookstone in Concourse D, Pope Francis reportedly killed three hours Monday milling around the Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport during a layover to Washington, D.C. “I was just going to grab something at Panda Express, but then I figured since I have so much time, I might as well head to the next concourse and check out the food options there,” said the Vicar of Christ, who confirmed that he spent 20 minutes seated at a food court table people-watching before strolling through the terminal and window-shopping at Headphone Hub, Sunglass Icon, and Savannah’s Candy Kitchen. “I’m definitely going to swing by Hudson News before my flight and grab a bottle of water and maybe a bag of Bugles or a Kind bar. That new Clive Cussler book looks pretty good, too, so I might pick that up to read on the plane.” At press time, sources confirmed Pope Francis had lost track of the time and was frantically running across the terminal to catch his flight.
Pope Leaves Detailed Instructions For Taking Care Of Holy Spirit While He Out Of Town #~# VATICAN CITY—In an effort to prepare for his weeklong visit to the United States, Pope Francis reportedly left a set of detailed instructions taped to the door of the Apostolic Palace this weekend that explained how to take care of the Holy Spirit while he is out of town. “He’s actually pretty good when He’s left on His own, so you only need to check on Him two or maybe three times a day, tops,” the instructions read in part, before asking caretakers to stop by St. Peter’s Basilica and let the Holy Spirit wash over them for just a few minutes during each check-in, noting that the member of the Holy Trinity “enjoys the company.” “Just leave the cathedral door slightly ajar, as He tends to get a little restless when cooped up too long. You can also leave the TV on so He thinks there are people around. He likes that.” The pope reportedly concluded his note by instructing caretakers to “swing a censer around a bit” to calm the Holy Spirit’s nerves, warning that He might otherwise get stressed out and scratch up the pews.
Gallup Pollster Forced To Cut Off Another GOP Voter’s Enraged Rant In Order To Get To Next Call #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the measure was necessary to ensure he met his daily quota of surveys administered, Gallup pollster Marc Perello told reporters that he was forced to cut off another GOP voter’s enraged rant Monday in order to get to his next phone call. “I made it through the first few questions about the respondent’s preferred presidential candidates just fine, but once I asked him about immigration and he launched into a whole rant about states’ rights, I knew I was in for a long one,” said Perello, who added that, after nine minutes of patiently listening to the livid caller’s ramblings shift from disgust with the state of the economy to fears about America’s declining influence on the world stage, he finally decided to skip the last three questions of the survey, interjected by thanking the man for his time, and hung up the phone. “I’ve learned that whenever one of them starts in about handouts or activist judges, it’s usually not worth even trying to redirect them to the next question. And they rarely tire out. Once they build up a head of steam, you just have to cut your losses and move on, otherwise you’ll only get through maybe five or six calls during the entire day.” At press time, Perello was reportedly assuring a caller that he had written down every word of his fuming five-minute response to a yes-or-no question about contraception coverage.
Climate Change Causing Giant Arctic Mosquitoes To Thrive #~# The Arctic mosquito, a much larger species than those native to the continental United States, is experiencing longer breeding seasons due to global warming, and the thriving population is expected to pose risks to humans and animals alike. What do you think?
Chevron Touts Green Initiative With Hybrid-Powered Oil Drilling Platforms #~# SAN RAMON, CA—Touting the next-generation drilling technology’s environmental friendliness at a press conference Thursday, officials from energy corporation Chevron proudly unveiled a new green initiative to use hybrid-powered deep-sea platforms to reach deposits of crude oil below the ocean floor. “As the world comes to recognize the need for more eco-conscious practices, we at Chevron are proud to lead the movement with our new reduced-emission oil extraction platforms,” said company spokesperson Chelsea Henning, who went on to explain that the massive new mechanisms built to cut deep into the earth and pump out vast stores of fossil fuel would emit barely two-thirds the CO2 of earlier processes. “But we’re not stopping there. We’ve made it our goal to ensure all offshore drilling rigs run entirely on solar and wind power by 2040.” Company officials later unveiled another green initiative, noting that they would immediately switch to a zero-emission, battery-powered fleet of containment vessels to help limit damage from future oil spills.
Rainbow Doritos Debut Online #~# Doritos has announced a limited-edition online release of “Doritos Rainbows,” a bag containing red, orange, green, blue, and purple chips in a nod to the LGBT movement’s rainbow flag, available to consumers who pledge $10 or more to the It Gets Better Project, which aims to improve the lives of LGBT youth. What do you think?
New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods. “Beginning this Saturday, for just $2 a ticket, fans can use our new Tiger Bus to ride directly from the bushlands to the game and back,” said LSU spokesman Michael Bonnette, adding that, beginning six hours before kickoff, fans can catch the bus at any of the numerous stops it will make at various ravines, forest clearings, and swamps near Baton Rouge, while return trips to the remote wilderness will begin at the start of the game’s fourth quarter. “The Tiger Bus is the perfect way to skip the hassle of the parking lot, and helps ensure that all of our fans get back to the far reaches of the forest safely. Shuttles will depart every 15 minutes in order to avoid overcrowding, though the last bus to the backwoods leaves approximately three hours after the game ends, so fans who miss that will have to find other means to return to their tents.” Bonnette added that the athletic department also plans on designating a section of the stadium parking lot for those traveling in on fanboats.
A Primer On Pope Francis’ Views #~# Pope Francis has garnered much international attention in the first two and a half years of his papacy, taking a more liberal approach to women’s issues, the family unit, and the environment than his predecessors. Here is a primer on prominent global issues and the pope’s views on them:
Extension Cord On Stage Steals Spotlight From Jeb Bush During Campaign Rally #~# CONCORD, NH—Emphasizing the allure and appeal of the 30-foot length of electrical power cable that shared the stage with the former Florida governor, sources confirmed that an orange three-pronged extension cord completely stole the spotlight from Jeb Bush during a New Hampshire campaign rally Friday. “Jeb made some interesting points about the need to prioritize national security, but ultimately he was just completely overshadowed by the far more riveting extension cord running along the floor beside him,” said political pundit Chris Wallace, who acknowledged that attendees appeared more energized by the flexible orange cable taped to the stage and noted that the one-time GOP frontrunner repeatedly failed to connect with the audience as effectively as the cord. “Unfortunately for Jeb, no matter what he did throughout the night, he just looked bland and flat compared to that extension cord. He’s not going to want to bring that piece of electrical equipment with him to any more rallies if he wants voters’ attention to stay directed at him.” At press time, the Bush campaign team was rapidly assembling a focus group to learn how the candidate could be more like the extension cord.
Study Finds Movie Attendance Declining As More Americans Act Out Films At Home #~# LOS ANGELES—Noting that ticket sales nationwide have fallen to a 20-year low, a study published Friday by the Motion Picture Association of America found that movie theater attendance continues to decline as more Americans choose to act out films at home.
Study Finds Majority Of U.S. Currency Has Touched Financial Executive’s Nude Body #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Saying their findings pertained to every denomination of banknote, researchers at Harvard University released a study Friday confirming that the majority of paper currency in the United States has been in direct contact with at least one financial executive’s nude body at some point during its circulation. “Our data suggest that, for any given piece of U.S. legal tender, there is a 64 percent chance it has touched a portion of a Wall Street CEO or CFO’s naked flesh, likely when the executive gleefully rolled their nude body around in a large pile of money or dumped a bucket of bills over their head and let the currency cascade over their bare skin,” said professor of economics Robert Barro, noting that several dozen of the $10 bills his team randomly tested contained traces of DNA from every executive-level officer and board member at Goldman Sachs. “While our results were especially true of $100 bills, 90 percent of which have touched an executive’s exposed flesh, we found that even a slight majority of $1 bills have at some point or another clung to the film of perspiration and body oil on a top-level financial director’s abdomen, thighs, chest, genitals, buttocks, or upper arms.” Researchers said their results are in line with a 2013 study which determined that, at any given moment, $230,000 of U.S. currency is trapped in the creases and folds of skin on business magnate Sheldon Adelson.
Obama Hosts Diplomatic Talks At Starbucks While Oval Office Carpet Cleaned #~# WASHINGTON—After locating several empty seats at a communal table near the service counter, President Barack Obama reportedly held diplomatic talks with a Saudi Arabian delegation Friday at a local Starbucks while the Oval Office carpet was being cleaned. “You go up and order first, and I’ll stay here and make sure we don’t lose our spot,” Obama said to Saudi Arabia’s King Salman as he brushed away several unidentified crumbs from the tabletop and pulled over an additional unused chair from a nearby table for the pair’s translator. “After we get our drinks, we can jump right in on trade figures. And if it gets too loud here, we can go over to the other location on K Street, but let me just warn you that that one’s a bit smaller and the bathroom line tends to snake into the seating area.” At press time, sources confirmed that negotiations were derailed by a customer at the next table talking loudly on his phone. 
Whataburger Apologizes To Police Who Were Refused Service #~# Whataburger has apologized for the behavior of an employee in Texas who allegedly told two police officers “we don’t serve police” and refused to take their orders, an action that company reps say they’d never condone and for which the employee has been fired. What do you think?
Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota #~# With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?
Study Finds Harshly Criticizing U.S. Education System Only Causing It To Fall Further Behind Peers #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Explaining that even the most well-meaning criticism can lead to adverse repercussions, a study released Thursday by researchers at Stanford University has found that berating the U.S. education system has only caused it to fall further behind its international peers. “We often feel compelled to point out flaws and shortcomings when we’re trying to help our nation achieve its goals, but our research shows that criticizing a struggling institution like the United States education system actually lowers its confidence and causes it to perform even more poorly,” said the study’s lead author, Julie Ostel, who noted that authorities’ tendency to harp on the country’s substandard math and science skills was correlated with steady declines in math and science test scores. “People might think they’re helping when they highlight the educational deficits of our school systems by comparing them to academic standouts like Finland or South Korea, but it’s just causing our schools to withdraw and come to the conclusion that they’re failures that don’t possess the intellect to do well. Instead, we should focus on what our institutions of learning are doing well, provide them with positive support, and let them know that we care about their future and that we know they can succeed.” Ostel added, however, that each education system is different, and that steady encouragement may not lead to an improvement in American schools, at which point the U.S. should give serious consideration to putting the nation’s 50 million students into trade schools.
Obama Invites Arrested Clock-Building Teen To White House #~# After being arrested for bringing a homemade clock to school that his teachers mistook for a bomb, Muslim teenager Ahmed Mohamed garnered massive social media support that decried the school for its supposed Islamophobia, leading to an invitation by President Obama for Ahmed to attend the upcoming White House Astronomy Night. What do you think?
Luke Kuechly Undergoes Quick Brain Arthroscopy To Clean Up Cerebral Cortex #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—After suffering a concussion that sidelined him against the Jacksonville Jaguars last weekend, the Carolina Panthers announced Thursday that All-Pro linebacker Luke Kuechly has undergone a quick brain arthroscopy in order to clean up his cerebral cortex. “Earlier today, we successfully scoped Luke’s brain and removed some buildup of tissue that had been accumulating in there,” said team doctor Donald Randolph, explaining that several small incisions were made in Kuechly’s forehead to allow surgeons to go into his cerebrum and remove loose tissue and bone fragments, as well as shave away the worn areas of his frontal and temporal lobes. “There was actually quite a bit of fluid inside Luke’s skull that had to be drained, and hopefully that will alleviate some discomfort. And as long as he continually ices it for the next 24 to 48 hours, the swelling in his head should be gone by Sunday.” Randolph stressed, however, that the surgery was a temporary solution aimed at pain management and recommended that Kuechly undergo a more invasive procedure in the offseason to replace his torn brain stem.
GOP Promotes Carly Fiorina To Male Candidate After Strong Debate Showing #~# WASHINGTON—Saying she had proven herself to be a formidable contender worthy of respect, GOP leaders announced Thursday that Carly Fiorina had been officially promoted to a male candidate after her strong showing in last night’s primary debate. “Given her steady rise in the polls and her consistent performance on the national stage, we have determined that Ms. Fiorina’s skills as a speaker and compelling ideas about foreign and domestic policy merit her recognition as male,” said Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus, adding that the former Hewlett-Packard CEO had impressed GOP officials with her breadth of knowledge, her confidence, and her ability to doggedly attack both Democrats and her primary opponents, and therefore deserved to have the label of “female” removed entirely. “We are pleased to be able to offer Ms. Fiorina the increased respect and media coverage that come with being a male candidate. Allow me to be the first to congratulate him and say that he has certainly earned it.” Priebus added that the committee was still reviewing Marco Rubio’s performance, but was strongly considering promoting him to white.
45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.” “That was a wonderful experience from beginning to end—just a really nice way to spend an afternoon, you know?” said Schulhoff, remarking that his time spent navigating the automated menu, listening to hold music, and repeating the same information to several different representatives for just under an hour was “a real joy” and “very satisfying.” “I talked with Debbie in the claims department for a while, which was lovely, and then she transferred me to her supervisor. I didn’t think it could get much better than that, but then I got connected with Anthony in card services, and I really enjoyed that too. I couldn’t believe I was on the phone so long—it was such a good time, the whole thing just flew right by. Frankly, I was kind of sad when the call came to an end.” After logging into his online credit card account several hours later, Schulhoff was reportedly pleased to discover that his issue remained unresolved and he would get another opportunity to be in touch with MasterCard.
Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday. “This guy was one of the most loyal campaign staffers on the Huckabee team, and no longer being able to rely on his extensive experience with handling poisonous cottonmouths at stump speeches and town halls is a loss Huckabee really can’t afford right now,” said a campaign insider who wished to remain anonymous, adding that Hobbs had been at the candidate’s side using the power of Scripture to protect himself from the serpent’s bite since Huckabee’s brief Senate run in 1995, but had reportedly become frustrated in recent weeks by the campaign’s apparent lack of focus and inability to make headway in a crowded GOP field. “Sure, Huckabee can find somebody else to warm up the crowds by drinking strychnine and speaking in tongues, but he’ll never really be able to replace Dalton. He was a key member of the campaign’s brain trust.” At press time, Huckabee had reportedly suffered another major setback as word broke that several of the campaign’s leading faith healers had bolted for the Cruz camp.
New Prosthetic Hand Provides Sense Of Touch #~# The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency has designed a prosthetic hand that “completes the circuit” to the brain by connecting directly to the motor cortex, affording the wearer a sense of touch unattainable with other prosthetics. What do you think?
College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen. “I have given this matter plenty of thought, weighing the various benefits and drawbacks, and I’ve decided that, henceforth, I will be one of those guys who always has on a blue-and-gold lanyard with a little pouch at the end for my student ID, dorm key, and cash,” said Peterson, adding that he was still considering whether and how often he would remove the lanyard from around his neck and swing it in circles until it wrapped around his fingers, then reverse the process to unfurl it. “There were, of course, other paths I could’ve taken, such as being the kid who brings a Nalgene bottle everywhere, the guy who wears Zubaz around the dorms, or the student who smuggles food out of the cafeteria. For me, though, wearing a lanyard every time I’m seen in public feels like the right move.” At press time, Peterson was thinking about upgrading to a lanyard with a retractable keyring that he could compulsively extend and snap back at all hours of the day.
Shirtless Mike Huckabee Spends Entire Debate Seated In Rickety Rocking Chair #~# SIMI VALLEY, CA—Reckoning it was dern near hotter on the stage than a $2 pistol, a shirtless Mike Huckabee reportedly spent the entire Republican primary debate Wednesday seated in a rickety rocking chair. “This economy’s been done ruined on account of President Obama getting too big for his britches and making a whole mess of new laws that feared away all them small business owners,” said Huckabee, pausing to take a drink from a ladle in a rusty copper bucket while wiping sweat from his brow with a rag pulled from the back pocket of his filthy blue jeans. “This country’s gone all out of kilter and I’m nearbout more ornery than a possum that got stuck in a barrel and rolled down a hill. Hear tell, a whole heap of y’all out there are a-fussin’ and frettin’ about what kind of future we’re fixin’ to leave to our young’uns.” At press time, sources confirmed Huckabee was picking at a splinter on the blackened underside of his foot.
Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience #~# SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience. “It’s not unusual for him to get a little confused up there, what with all the bright lights and people talking on all sides, so if we see him starting to drift away like that, a couple of us will just hop up there and turn him back the right way,” said senior aide Kyle DeBacker, who added that Walker campaign staffers were almost always able to catch the presidential candidate before he’d wandered too far from his podium and could often redirect his gaze by snapping their fingers in the direction they wanted him to look. “The only time it’s a real problem is when he meanders too far from the microphone in the middle of an answer and we have to stay at his side until we can coax him to repeat whichever part the audience didn’t get to hear. Otherwise, we’re just glad he’s stayed standing for the whole debate so far tonight instead of lying down on the floor while the other candidates are talking like he usually does.” At press time, a distracted Walker had taken a seat on the edge of the debate platform and was absentmindedly banging his feet against the side of the stage.
GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina #~# SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate. “This thing was way back there jammed behind some sound equipment—I honestly didn’t think we’d be using it this year,” said Guzman as he brushed dust away from the floral-patterned carvings on the front of the lectern, which stands several inches shorter than the other podiums and features a lift-up vanity mirror, four delicate finials, and an upholstered velvet work surface for holding debate notes and personal accessories. “It’s always kind of a pain to drag this out, but at least we only need one of them. Plus, this is probably the last time we’ll have to use it this year.” Guzman noted that, on the positive side, he wouldn’t have to spend any extra time wiring up the GOP’s ladies’ podium, as it doesn’t contain a microphone.
Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility. “We know Tom likes his independence, but ultimately we had no choice—at least this way he won’t have to completely stop what he loves doing while still getting the proper supervision and attention he needs,” said offensive coordinator Ben McAdoo, adding that he was hopeful the 69-year-old Coughlin would grow to appreciate the center’s many amenities, including trained staff on-site 24 hours per day ready to help residents read playbooks, review game film, and manage the clock during the fourth quarter. “We all knew this day would eventually come, and even though he was definitely a little hesitant about it, we think it’s for the best. Honestly, it’s a huge relief knowing that there are caretakers always around just in case, God forbid, something awful happens when Tom is trying to call some plays in the middle of a game.” Sources at the facility later confirmed that Giants quarterback Eli Manning has thus far been the only player to have visited Coughlin.
7-Eleven Delivering ‘Date Night Pack’ #~# Convenience chain 7-Eleven has teamed with delivery service DoorDash to offer specialty packages such as the “Date Night Pack,” a $20 bundle that includes ice cream, chocolate bars, energy drinks, gum, and condoms. What do you think?
Campaign Staffers Making Progress Conditioning Hillary Clinton To Replicate Emotions #~# BROOKLYN, NY—After several months of diligent effort, staff members working on Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign confirmed Wednesday they have made significant progress in conditioning her to convincingly recreate and convey a limited spectrum of emotions.
Stouffer’s Debuts New Frozen Meals To Bring Neighbors After Death In Family #~# GLENDALE, CA—Saying the dishes were the perfect way to express compassion to those going through one of the darkest times of their life, representatives from Stouffer’s unveiled Wednesday their new line of Frozen Bereavement Meals for bringing over to neighbors who have just lost a loved one. “When tragedy strikes someone we care about, we all want to reach out and offer our assistance, and with Stouffer’s new Frozen Bereavement Meals, you can take a turkey casserole out of your freezer, pop it in the microwave, and be over on your grieving neighbor’s doorstep in less than 10 minutes,” said company spokeswoman Erin Carson, adding that the meals come in two convenient sizes to suit any mourner: an individual portion for a single widow or widower, and a family-size option for bereaved households of four or more. “Our new line of sympathy dinners features eight comforting and mouthwatering meal options, from flavorful meatloaf to hearty lasagna. Consoling devastated friends and neighbors has never been more quick and convenient.” Carson added that the back of each box contains a cut-out condolence card, allowing consumers to pay their respects along with the meal.
Houston To Surpass Chicago As Third-Largest City #~# According to a new population projection, Houston could surpass Chicago as the nation’s third-largest city within eight to 10 years, a growth spurred in part by Houston’s ample job availability and low taxes. What do you think?
Pope’s NYC Visit Leads To Ticket Scalping #~# In advance of Pope Francis’ visit to New York City next week, many scalpers have reserved free tickets for the event and are now attempting to sell them online for hundreds of dollars, a practice publicly condemned by city officials. What do you think?
How Restaurants Are Making Children’s Meals Healthier #~# Due to high-profile exposure like the “Happy Meals bill,” which seeks to market less fattening meals to children, many restaurants across the country are trying to make their kids menus healthier and combat childhood obesity. Here are some ways they are tackling the issue:
How Migrants Reach Europe #~# Hundreds of immigrants crossing into Europe from Africa and the Middle East have risked injury and death seeking a new life for their families. Here is the step-by-step process by which they emigrate and the hardships they face on their journey:
When I Die, My Entire Fortune Will Be Donated To Charity, Except The $40 Billion I Will Have Buried With Me #~# I’ve been incredibly fortunate throughout my life. Not only have I had a long and successful career and been blessed with a beautiful family, but I’ve also had the opportunity to give back, which has been a reward beyond measure. And as I get older and begin to put my affairs in order, I want to reaffirm my commitment to advancing the causes I care so much about. Which is why, when I die, I plan to donate my fortune to charity, minus the $40 billion I will have buried with me.
Species That Had 25 Million Years To Evolve Pathetically Snuffed Out In 8 Years #~# WUHAN, CHINA—Claiming the aquatic mammal had squandered the countless opportunities it had been given, wildlife experts reported Tuesday that the Chinese river dolphin, a species that had an entire 25-million-year period to evolve ways to survive, was pathetically snuffed out by less than a decade of environmental changes.
Experts Refuse To Warn Of Any New Health Hazards Until Americans Deal With Current Backlog #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they’re tired of their urgent calls to action consistently being met with indifference and apathy, members of the American Medical Association announced Tuesday that they will not issue any more warnings about newly discovered health hazards until the populace deals with its current backlog. “Look, before we spend any more time or energy publishing a paper on cell phone radiation or raising alarms about consumer weed killers, you have to at least make an effort to deal with saturated fats, unregulated dietary supplements, and other stuff we’ve been cautioning you about for years,” said AMA president Steven J. Stack, declaring that the group is not going to bother doing any more research on chemical fracking until, at the very least, people vaccinate their children. “There are thousands of potential hazards out there that can damage your health and even prove fatal, but we’re just going to keep all that information to ourselves until you prove you can meet us halfway by making sure you wear sunscreen outside and securing your flat-screen TV so it can’t topple over and crush your child. From now on, it’s one in, one out—you stop microwaving plastic food containers, and we’ll let you know some new findings about common cosmetic products that are deeply troubling.” At press time, the nation shrugged and went back to drinking its sugary beverages in its desk chairs. 
Quirky Restaurant’s Bathroom Had Better Fucking Deliver #~# PORTLAND, ME—Confirming that their expectations had been set high given the fun, off-kilter decor in the dining area, patrons at Nikki’s Grill said Tuesday that the quirky restaurant’s restroom had better fucking deliver. “This place is loaded with odd little knickknacks, and I will go ballistic if it doesn’t stay that way when I step inside the bathroom,” said customer Kim O’Neil, adding that if there wasn’t at least one shelf of vintage bobbleheads and a sign reminding employees to wash their hands in a fun, snarky way, she would lose it. “And judging by the boring men’s and women’s stick figures they’ve got on the bathroom doors, I’m not exactly confident I’m going to encounter wallpaper made up entirely of covers from old sci-fi novels.” At press time, an elated O’Neil reported that the bathroom mirror was ringed in Christmas lights and a tiny gargoyle was mounted on the paper towel dispenser.
Americans Unclear On Obama’s Birthplace, Religion #~# A new poll has found that misperceptions about President Obama’s faith and birthplace persist throughout the population, with 20 percent of Americans responding that they believe Obama was born outside the United States and 29 percent asserting he is Muslim. What do you think?
Miss America CEO Apologizes To Vanessa Williams #~# Before crowning Miss America 2016 Sunday, CEO Sam Haskell formally apologized to judge and former pageant winner Vanessa Williams for the 1984 scandal in which Williams was pressured by the organization to resign after nude photos surfaced from before her reign, an apology that Williams tearfully accepted. What do you  think?
NFL Week One Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the opening week of the 2015 NFL season:
Who Is Kim Davis? #~# Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:
Study Finds Average American Inadvertently Eats Equivalent Of 8 Pieces Of Fruit Per Year #~# ATHENS, GA—According to a study published Monday by researchers at the University of Georgia, the average American inadvertently consumes the equivalent of eight pieces of fruit each year. “Our findings suggest that the typical person accidentally ingests small fruit fragments or pureed fruit chunks when they are mixed in with certain meals or snacks, such as yogurt or Hawaiian pizza, which, over the course of 12 months, adds up to about eight whole pieces of fruit,” said lead researcher Richard Sampson, who assured the public that, while the thought of unintentionally chewing and swallowing that amount of fruit might make them feel squeamish or repulsed, consuming such minute quantities of the plant-based substance over the course of hundreds of meals would have very little impact on their health. “When people learn that the foods they eat every day might contain tiny parts or scraps of fruit, they tend to feel queasy. However, most Americans never even notice, and the body naturally flushes out fruit and fruit residue the same way it would a cinnamon roll or a chicken nugget.” Researchers said that concerned consumers could limit their contact with fruit by keeping their diet primarily limited to cheese.
Report: Oyster Cracker–Wise, Nation Doing Pretty Good #~# WASHINGTON—Citing their ready availability and consistent quality, a report released Monday by the Brookings Institution confirmed that, as far as oyster crackers go, the nation is doing pretty good. “The United States is currently in a very respectable place in terms of oyster crackers, and at present, any existing oyster cracker–related concerns are minimal,” said the report’s lead researcher, Kevin Purcell, who offered the prevalence of oyster crackers in supermarkets, the rarity with which they are discovered broken, and the fact that packets of the crackers—often two at a time—are handed out free of charge with many soups and chowders as clear evidence that the country is in a solid spot, oyster cracker–wise. “Using these small crackers as our sole metric, the findings could not be any clearer: We are doing well as a nation. Our needs for oyster crackers are being met and then some. Could things take a downturn in the future vis-a-vis oyster crackers? Certainly. But there is nothing to suggest that we are moving in that direction as of now.” Researchers acknowledged, however, that despite current positive trends, the country likely would never match up to the golden era of oyster crackers of the late 1840s.
Atlantic Ocean Excited To Move Into Beautiful Beachfront Mansion Soon #~# WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Admitting it has had its eye on the property for quite some time, the Atlantic Ocean confirmed Monday that it was looking forward to moving into a beautiful beachfront mansion in the near future. “For the longest time it seemed like this place was completely out of reach for me, but I’ve come a long way in the past few years, and now it’s looking more and more like a real possibility,” said the body of water, which confided that, after having admired the building’s impressive exterior and grounds for so long, it was thrilled at the prospect of finally going inside and exploring all eight bedrooms and 7,500 square feet of living area. “I’m not quite ready yet, but in a couple years or so, I can definitely see myself in there, making the place completely my own. And the little beachside community that the house is located in is just so cute, too—I can’t wait to go through and visit all the shops and restaurants.” The ocean noted, however, that it might make a few cosmetic changes to the mansion once it moves in, including gutting the lower floor and taking out a few walls.
Report: 92% Of Americans Would Have Gotten Over Ex By Now #~# AUSTIN, TX—Explaining how they would have moved on with their lives a long time ago, a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Texas revealed that more than 90 percent of Americans would have easily gotten over their ex-partner by now. “Our evidence suggests that, by this point, the vast majority of individuals would no longer continuously question where their previous relationship went wrong, and would regularly go days, even weeks at a time without giving a single thought to their former partner,” said the report’s lead author, Irene Landry, adding that less than one in 10 individuals would allow themselves to still incessantly check social media for clues as to what their ex has been up to or agonize over whether or not to text them. “Not only would nearly every other American be unbothered after seeing a picture on Facebook of their old partner on vacation with someone new, roughly half would be genuinely happy at the prospect of them being in a new relationship. Furthermore, we found that about 70 percent of people would have already entered into a new happy and fulfilling relationship of their own, never looking back through photos of themselves and their ex together and wondering what could have been.” Landry added that 100 percent of people who still sometimes imagine getting back together with their previous partner will never again find anything remotely resembling what they once felt and will die bitter and alone.
NASCAR Driver Always Forgets Which Side Of Car Gas Tank On #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Noting that he had already made the same mistake during his last three pit stops, NASCAR driver Martin Truex Jr. expressed frustration Sunday after once again forgetting which side of his car the gas tank is on. “Goddammit, I do this every time,” said Truex, carefully watching for other cars driving past him at 200 miles per hour as he attempted to perform a three-point turn in the middle of the speedway. “My old No. 56 car had it on the left side—why the hell don’t they just put them all on the same side for every car? Screw it, I’m just going to go all the way around the track and then come back in the right way.” At press time, Truex’s pit crew was quietly waiting next to the car while he repeatedly jiggered the lever below his seat in an attempt to pop open the gas tank door.
United CEO Resigns Amid Corruption Charges #~# United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek has resigned amid a federal investigation into the airline’s alleged reestablishment of an unprofitable flight from Newark, NJ to Columbia, SC solely to benefit the former chairman of the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, who owns a vacation home in Columbia, which began when the flight was canceled shortly after the chairman stepped down from his post. What do you think?
Bucs Stadium Now Allowing Fans To Watch Games From Special Swamp Deck #~# TAMPA, FL—Calling it an exciting enhancement to the current game-day experience, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers announced Friday that fans at Raymond James Stadium will be able to watch games from a special new swamp deck. “With perfect sight lines of all the action and plenty of driftwood and lily pads to go around, our new marsh is the perfect place to relax and enjoy the game,” said Buccaneers spokesman Kyle Reiff, noting that tickets for entry into the 400-square-foot pool of tepid, mossy water—positioned just above the south end zone—are just $115. “Plus, with our waitstaff delivering unlimited drinks and snacks, you and up to 25 of your friends will never have to worry about leaving the swamp and missing any of the action. And if you want to catch some rays in the middle of the game, just hop onto a nearby log or upended tree root and lie out in the sun.” Reiff added that the organization also plans on releasing several alligators into the swamp to celebrate after each Bucs touchdown.
Planned Parenthood Debate Threatens Government Shutdown #~# With only seven legislative days to go until a budget decision must be reached for the new fiscal year beginning on October 1, Republicans continue to reject further federal funding for Planned Parenthood, a stalemate that could trigger another government shutdown to the detriment of financial markets. What do you think?
Child At 9/11 Memorial Service Sternly Reminded We Are Sad Today #~# MADISON, CT—After several warnings to stop his fidgeting and keep quiet during the town’s 9/11 memorial service, 6-year-old Caleb Goetz was sternly reminded by his mother that today is a sad day, sources confirmed this morning. “Caleb, we’re sad today, so no more goofing around. Got it?” said the boy’s mother, Hannah Goetz, in a sharp whisper, bending down to look the child in his eyes and tell him to stop running his Matchbox car up and down her pant leg and making engine noises with his mouth while the people at the podium were speaking into the microphone. “Do you see all the people’s faces? Everyone’s sad. This is very sad, okay? If you can’t stand still until they finish raising the flag and lighting the candles, then no Legends Of Chima later. You hear me?” In a further effort to keep him from acting out, the boy’s mother then reportedly glared at him for the entire moment of silence.
FEC Implements One-Year Break Between All Presidential Terms As Reprieve For Weary Nation #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the frustration, fatigue, and utter despair felt by voters, the Federal Election Commission issued a directive Friday that mandates a break of one full year between each presidential term as a respite for the weary American people.
Horrifying Email From Ex-Girlfriend Titled ‘A Few Things’ #~# OXNARD, CA—His heart pounding in fear as he stared at the unread message in his inbox, area man Joe Dubbin reportedly checked Gmail at 11 p.m. Sunday night to discover a horrifying email from his ex-girlfriend titled simply “A few things.” “Oh, God,” Dubbin said under his breath as he worked up the nerve to move his cursor over the wholly unexpected message, a film of cold sweat materializing on his brow as he scanned the previewed line of text that read “Just so you know” followed by an ellipsis. “Should I just open this thing and get it over with now, or maybe mark it as ‘read’ and look at it tomorrow? Or I could just delete it quickly and forget this ever happened. Jesus.” Sources reported that Dubbin’s pupils then dilated in terror when, 12 minutes after the email arrived in his inbox, the number 2 in parentheses suddenly appeared beside his ex-girlfriend’s name.
Area Dad Doesn’t Like Where Referee Spotted Football #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Complaining that the officials need to learn the damn rules, 44-year-old local dad Mark Bogdanski expressed both doubt and frustration Sunday over where the referee spotted the football. “They gave him a whole extra yard there—what are these refs even looking at?” said Bogdanski, adding that the referees are pretty much gifting the other team a first down with such a generous spot. “Don’t give me that bull about forward progress either, because his knee was down almost a full yard back. You have to challenge that call—that should be fourth down.” At press time, Bogdanski was angrily muttering under his breath after officials had upheld the ruling on the field upon reviewing the play.
Study: 74% Of Home Contractors End Up Accidentally Walling Themselves In During Housing Construction #~# WASHINGTON—A new study commissioned by the National Association of Home Builders revealed Friday that 74 percent of home contractors end up accidentally walling themselves in when constructing or renovating a residence. “A review of home construction projects since 1995 shows that in roughly three of every four cases, workers inadvertently erected drywall or laid bricks and mortar around their bodies, trapping themselves inside the barrier where they remained until someone heard their desperate cries for help,” said lead researcher Mark Vander, adding that, on average, there is a minimum of three contractors stuck inside any given newly constructed home. “During the building phase, many workers accidentally put the last piece of Sheetrock into place before realizing that they’ve made a huge mistake and didn’t provide themselves with a way out. Without any doorways or other exits, the contractors roam inside the walls frantically searching for an escape, sometimes for up to several weeks or months.” The study also found that entire construction crews are often trapped on the top floors of skyscrapers because they forgot to build stairs. 
Sperm Whales’ Use Of Language Points To Evidence Of Culture #~# A new study in the journal Nature Communications has found that sperm whales communicate using vocalized dialects specific to organized clans, a social act that offers evidence of a shared culture within which the whales learn new things and adopt behaviors from one another. What do you think?
Tearful Anthropologists Discover Dead Ancestor Of Humans 100,000 Years Too Late #~# ‘Sadly, There Was Nothing We Could Do,’ Scientists Say
Tinder Adds New ‘Super Like’ Feature #~# Dating app Tinder announced Wednesday the addition of a “Super Like” function that allows users to “swipe up” on people they’re most interested in, and stated that it intends to keep the feature meaningful by limiting users to only one Super Like per day. What do you think?
How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education #~# With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:
Clinton Apologizes For Email Scandal #~# Hillary Clinton said she is sorry for her use of a personal email account to conduct business as Secretary of State, a scandal that is currently under investigation by the FBI and for which she had previously refused to apologize. What do you think?
Department Of Homeland Security Not About To Raise Alert Level For 14th Anniversary Of 9/11 #~# ‘No One’s Going To Choose The 14th Anniversary Of Something To Attack,’ Says Secretary
Nation’s Marketers Only People Still Trying To Reach Inner-City Child #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—With their continued investment in projects aimed at reaching out to the 14-year-old inner-city resident, the nation’s marketers are the last group of people in the country still trying to get through to local child Derek Crawford, sources confirmed Wednesday.
More Cities Providing Bins For Materials That Look Recyclable #~# WASHINGTON—Praising the initiatives for taking the guesswork out of the often confusing process of household waste disposal, a report released Thursday by the Environmental Protection Agency noted that more cities are providing bins to residents for materials that look like they’re probably recyclable. “We realize it can be difficult to tell whether those grease-stained pizza boxes or cardboard orange juice cartons with plastic spouts can be salvaged or not, so with the rollout of these new bins, we’re encouraging residents to just toss them in and not worry about it,” said Rosa Fernandez, a spokesperson for the city of Seattle, which has encouraged its citizens to use the new bins to discard any plastic bags, wrapping paper, or other articles that they think could conceivably be repurposed, and place them on curbs beside their usual recycling and trash receptacles. “Whether you’re trying to figure out if your city takes plastics bearing the number 4 or higher, or you can’t remember if you’re allowed to recycle books, don’t fret—just look for the purple bins with the question mark.” Fernandez added that the city was currently considering providing an additional bin for items that residents know aren’t recyclable but which they nevertheless feel bad about throwing out.
Queen Breaks Record For Longest Reign #~# Queen Elizabeth II has just surpassed Queen Victoria as the longest-reigning monarch in British history, breaking the previous record of 63 years, seven months, and two days on the throne. What do you think?
Panicking Tom Brady Unable To Stop Smirking Since Suspension Overturned #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—A full week after a federal judge overturned his four-game NFL suspension, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady noted with alarm Wednesday that he has been physically unable to stop smirking since the court’s ruling. “I was obviously really happy when I heard the judge’s decision, but it’s seven days later and all the muscles in my face are still just stuck like this,” said Brady, grinning at reporters with visible fear and panic in his eyes. “Yesterday, my wife came home upset about something that had happened earlier, and I physically could not stop smirking the whole time she was talking. Even now, I’m trying with every ounce of my strength to just stop smiling, and I can’t. I don’t know what to do—please, God, someone help me.” At press time, after several hours of uncomfortable tossing and turning in bed, Brady had finally fallen asleep with a pained smirk still frozen on his face.
Study Finds Earth’s Animals One Giant Creature Before Breaking Apart Millions Of Years Ago #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA—Offering insight into our planet’s ecological past, a study released Tuesday by researchers at Penn State University found that Earth’s animals were once a single giant creature before breaking apart roughly 175 million years ago. “After reviewing extensive fossil records, we determined that a massive ‘super-animal’ once roamed the planet, but began to fracture at some point during the Mesozoic era into separate life forms,” said lead researcher Gary Albright, noting that if one looks at certain species closely, it’s possible to see how, for example, the giraffe’s neck fits together with the hippopotamus’s underbelly, or the dolphin’s tail forms a perfect contour with the stingray’s back. “We believe this process started when tiny fissures began to form within the single mega-animal, leading to creatures breaking off and drifting away as smaller birds, mammals, amphibians, reptiles, and fish.” In a continuation of this process, Albright stated that over the next million years, internal rifting is projected to cleave the platypus into a species of duck and a fairly large rodent.
Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation #~# WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed. “I saw on the television how more people have been seeing coyotes in our neck of the woods, and then just the other day Kevin and Lisa [Torrance] from down the block had one right in their backyard,” said Salisbury, adding that after watching a cautionary report on the local news she had been taking extra care to make sure their garbage can lids were tightly secured. “They look like dogs from far away, but they have bushier tails. We haven’t seen any coyotes by us yet, but just to be on the safe side we aren’t letting the cat out. Susanne next door said her brother and sister-in-law in Bloomington almost had their corgi get attacked by one.” At press time, Salisbury was reportedly standing at the window and vigilantly scanning the family’s chain-link fence for potential weak spots.
More Teens Trying To ‘Vape’ Marijuana #~# A study of Connecticut teens revealed that 1 in 5 high schoolers who use e-cigarettes have tried smoking marijuana out of the device, a practice that could put them at risk of inhaling too high a concentration of THC and harming the brain. What do you think?
Romantic Gesture Too Expensive To Waste On Current Girlfriend #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Claiming that the price of the incredible idea far exceeded his emotional investment in his relationship, local man Alex Ramsey said Wednesday that an extravagant romantic gesture he has in mind is too expensive to waste on his current girlfriend. “I can’t wait to finally surprise someone special with a trip to Paris, but I just don’t think Sarah’s the one I should be spending that much money on,” said Ramsey, noting that the cost—not only of airfare but also dinner at a Michelin-rated restaurant and a private chartered boat ride on the Seine—meant that he had to be very selective in choosing his companion. “I like Sarah a lot, but I might only be able to afford a lavish trip like this once in my lifetime. And, frankly, I’m not sure I want to run up my credit card bill for someone who isn’t absolutely perfect.” Ramsey went on to say, however, that he might be willing to make the trip with his current girlfriend if she agreed to go dutch.
Pathetic 4-Year-Old Needs Father To Stand On Merry-Go-Round Platform For Entire Ride #~# SARATOGA, NY—Completely embarrassing himself in front of dozens of visitors to the park as well as his fellow riders, pathetic 4-year-old Jeremy Tufts reportedly needed his father to stand right next to him on the merry-go-round platform for the entire duration of the ride Wednesday. “It’s unbelievable that this kid can’t even handle just sitting there while the carousel spins around without having his goddamn dad at his side the whole time,” said onlooker Janet Henrich, watching with disgust as the pitiful youngster repeatedly looked over his shoulder to make sure his father was still nearby after the ride started in motion and the accompanying circus music began to play. “Just look at this idiot. It’s not like he’s riding a roller coaster or anything—it’s just a plastic horse that slowly goes up and down a little bit. The kid in front of him is doing fine by himself. God, what a little wimp.” At press time, Christ, here come the waterworks.
‘Superhenge’ Discovered Underground Near Stonehenge #~# Ground-penetrating radar has detected a row of massive stones near Stonehenge beneath the surface of the soil, which were likely erected around 4,500 years ago to delineate a special area such as a temple but were then knocked down and buried for unknown reasons. What do you think?
Refugees Grateful For Chance To See Europe While Being Bounced From Country To Country #~# BUDAPEST, HUNGARY—Saying they never dreamed they’d have the opportunity to do so much traveling and sightseeing, tens of thousands of refugees across Europe confirmed Tuesday that they were grateful for the chance to take in so many of the continent’s natural and historical treasures while being bounced from country to country. “I thought the Serbian countryside was so beautiful when we were marching through it, but, wow, Budapest is truly breathtaking—it’s a real architectural gem—and hopefully once our papers expire in 48 hours we’ll be off to somewhere new!” said Syrian refugee Majd Ahsan, who added that his European trip got off to a great start on the island of Lesbos in Greece, where he said he was really able to soak in the Mediterranean landscape by spending his every waking and sleeping moment outdoors. “We actually got to spend a couple extra days in Athens while the Macedonian borders were closed, which was a real treat—there’s just so much rich history right there! At this point, who knows which country we’ll see tomorrow or the next day. Germany? France? Ooh, maybe we’ll go to Prague, get turned away at a processing center, and be sent to Poland! I hear it’s really lovely.” Ahsan added that he was just sad that two of his four children and both of his brothers were no longer around to enjoy the tour of Europe with him.
Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago. “I used to just make fun of him for being shy, but ever since he began speaking up and showing a little more of his personality, I’ve had way more ammo for tearing him apart,” said Macomber, adding that he’d been able to move on from solely insulting Reid for having his mom pick out his lame clothes to far more precise attacks based on the high school freshman’s Coheed and Cambria shirt. “Now that I know a bunch of his hobbies and passions, I’ve found a ton of new ways to torment him. Whether he’s reading graphic novels in the lobby before school or I overhear him talking about the latest episode of Adventure Time, he’s just giving me so much to riff off of. It’s way easier to get to him when I can just tell him that all the stupid shit he likes sucks.” At press time, Macomber admitted that he probably would have become bored and stopped picking on Reid if he hadn’t started opening up more.
After Another Incredible Summer, It’s Time To Put My Shirt Back On #~# Without a doubt, the past three months have been awesome. It’s been nothing but hitting the beach with my buddies, knocking back cold ones at barbecues, chilling on my sweet deck, and rollerblading through town—and I got to spend every single minute of it feeling the warmth of the sun on my chest. But it’s finally come down to it. I gotta wipe the sweat and sunscreen from my back and shoulders, and crack open that dresser drawer for the first time since May.
Secretary Of Labor Assures Nation There Still Plenty Of Jobs For Americans Willing To Outwork Robots #~# WASHINGTON—Addressing the continued plight of the nation’s long-term unemployed, Labor Secretary Thomas E. Perez offered his assurances Tuesday that the United States still has plenty of job opportunities for people willing to outwork robots.
Amount Of Water Man Just Used To Wash Dish To Be Prize Of Hand-To-Hand Combat Match In 2065 #~# HARTFORD, CT—Noting how it would one day be regarded as an almost unimaginably precious bounty, sources confirmed Tuesday that the quantity of water local resident Kevin Lachowsky just used to wash a single dish will be the same amount awarded as the grand prize of hand-to-hand death matches in the year 2065. According to reports, the volume of water that passed down the 33-year-old’s drain as he cleaned a small salad bowl will, in 50 years’ time, be battled over by pairs of men who will repeatedly slam each other into the rock walls of a shallow pit in an attempt to kill one another and claim the life-sustaining reward for themselves. The victors in these future melees will, by all accounts, gladly choke the last shreds of life out of their opponents given the overwhelming motivation provided by the equivalent of the 17 seconds of tap water that Lachowsky had recently used to remove a thin film of leftover salad dressing from the ceramic vessel. At press time, sources reported that the amount of water Lachowsky continued to let run from his faucet while placing the newly clean dish in the drying rack would, half a century from now, be the quantity exchanged when selling a human being into slavery.
Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School #~# ‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents
Tailgaters Playing Sad Little Game Of Pickup Football In Stadium Parking Lot #~# HOUSTON—Noting that the group has been constantly interrupted by cars slowly driving through searching for open spots, onlookers confirmed Saturday that several Texas A&M tailgaters outside NRG Stadium are playing a pathetic little game of pickup football in the parking lot. “Everyone’s just trying to walk to the game, but you have to pass this sideshow of these guys playing a mini–touch football game and then listen to one of them count down from five before blitzing the quarterback,” said 31-year-old Alex Bennett, adding that the seven middle-aged men—most of whom are wearing football jerseys and khaki shorts—are attempting to play a three-on-four game in the space between rows of parked cars. “They barely have enough room to play, so basically if they complete one pass, it’s a touchdown. And one of them accidentally hit the hood of a car with the football, which isn’t that surprising since they look like they’re each a few beers deep. Oh, and look, now they’re bringing in one of their little kids to even up the numbers. Christ.” At press time, the pitiful little spectacle had thankfully come to an end as one of their group’s girlfriends informed them that the burgers on the grill were ready to eat.
County Clerk Who Withheld Marriage Licenses Jailed #~# Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis has been sent to jail following her continued refusal to issue marriage licenses for gay couples due to her religious beliefs. What do you think?
Researchers Tout Benefits Of ‘Happy Meals’ Bill #~# A new bill proposed in New York City seeks to lower the fat, sodium, and caloric content in fast food meals marketed directly to children, a measure that NYU researchers say could have a positive impact on children’s health and reduce childhood obesity rates. What do you think?
‘Fourth Quarter, Time Winding Down, Super Bowl,’ Report Nation’s 11-Year-Olds #~# WASHINGTON—In a unified message coming from thousands of backyards, living rooms, parks, and playgrounds, 11-year-olds across the country announced Friday that it’s the fourth quarter with time winding down in the Super Bowl. “Down by three, 10 seconds to go—can he do it?” said the nation’s 11-year-olds, all of whom grimaced with concentration while holding a football forward with both hands. “There’s the snap. He’s back to pass, he dodges a tackle, dodges another one, throws the ball, and—touchdown! The crowd goes wild! Super Bowl champions!” At press time, after cupping their hands around their mouths and simulating the sounds of fans cheering, the 11-year-olds had reportedly grabbed their footballs from the ground and were heard muttering, “Down by three, 10 seconds to go…” as they wound up to go again.
Depression Symptom Checklist Speaking To Area Man As No Poem Ever Could #~# SYRACUSE, NY—Saying the bulleted list of diagnostic criteria had touched something at the very core of his being, local 34-year-old Adam Zenner reported Friday that an online depression symptoms checklist was speaking to him as no poem ever could. “When I read those words for the first time, I was completely mesmerized—it’s almost like the part about persistent sad and anxious feelings was written just for me,” said Zenner, adding that no piece of writing had ever resonated with him as deeply as the checklist’s stirring opening lines about changes in appetite and the tendency to fixate on past failures. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read it. There’s one section in particular, about having difficulty concentrating and making decisions, that I keep coming back to again and again because I just connect with it on some deep existential level. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like these 12 short lines have completely reshaped my world.” At press time, an awed Zenner was rereading the “absolutely perfect” closing line about suicidal ideation.
Scientists Develop Non-Melting Ice Cream #~# Physicists in the U.K. have isolated a naturally occurring protein in ice cream that binds together water, air, and fat content to keep the scoop solid, a protein they can replicate and use to develop ice cream that doesn’t melt. What do you think?
Meet Adam, Your Mom’s Friend’s Son Who Also Lives In Your City #~# He’s About Your Age
Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top #~# ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.
Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent. “This year’s peak hurricane season will be longer than usual, beginning in fall and lasting for the remainder of time,” said NWS senior meteorologist Robert Doherty, adding that citizens should take appropriate precautions by keeping enough candles and bottled water on hand to last the rest of their lives. “Because tropical storms this season are also expected to be the strongest on record, it’s extremely important that everyone check their local weather forecast if they’re planning to head outdoors sometime between now and the death of the solar system. If we work together in the days, months, and eons ahead, we can make sure this hurricane season is safe for everyone.” Doherty added that extra precautions should be taken by coastal communities along the Eastern Seaboard and along whatever future coastlines exist as the tectonic plates continue to reshape the contours of Earth’s crust.
Family Trying To Tune Out Hints Of Misogyny As Grandfather Lovingly Recalls Courting Grandmother #~# EASTON, NJ—Refusing to allow the subtle objectification and belittlement to taint the story of how they first met, members of the Thurman family confirmed Friday that they were tuning out the hints of misogyny in their grandfather’s loving recollection of courting their grandmother. “Back when I was a young man, me and the boys would go down to the pizza parlor every Friday night to try and rustle up some gals, and that’s where I first saw your grandmother,” said Joseph Thurman, 81, whose children and grandchildren reportedly smiled and nodded as they attempted to focus on his professions of love for their grandmother rather than his repeated mentions of her “fine set of legs” that he deemed to be the best he ever saw. “The way she looked that first night, I knew I had to make her mine. She turned me down when I asked her to go out with me, but I wouldn’t take no for an answer. I kept calling her every day until she finally gave in, but even then I had to keep my hands off her on the first date because she came from a good family.” At press time, Thurman was describing how he insisted on walking their grandmother home after their date because she had to pass through the black part of town.
King Cobra On The Loose In Orlando #~# A King Cobra snake, a venomous species that can kill an elephant with one bite, is currently on the loose in Orlando, FL, with officials confirming that the licensed owner violated protocol by waiting to report the escape for a full day after the snake went missing. What do you think?
Naked, Dripping Wet Tom Brady Thrilled By Judge’s Decision To Overturn Suspension, Imagines Judge #~# NEW YORK—Celebrating his legal victory as fresh steam swirled around his bare body, a naked, dripping wet Tom Brady was absolutely thrilled with the decision to overturn his four-game suspension, the imagination of federal judge Richard Berman confirmed Thursday. “He was so excited when he first heard the news in the middle of a long, hot shower, his strong fingers slowly running down the side of his taut, soapy abs while thinking about my verdict,” noted Berman’s fantasy, adding that several droplets of water gradually trickled down Brady’s glistening chest all the way to his toned pelvic muscles, where they hung so tantalizingly just below his waist. “Look at those biceps ripple as he reaches out from the curtain to grab a towel to rub himself down with. His moist, pink tongue caresses the top row of his perfect teeth before the name ‘Judge Berman’ quietly leaves those soft, supple lips, and then he shuts his eyes and slides one finger in and out of his mouth. He’s so tired, but the case is over now. It’s time to relax, Tom. Mmm, yes.” At press time, Berman’s imagination reported that Brady had just informed his wife, Gisele, that he is leaving her.
Denny’s Market Researcher Emerges From Focus Group Shaken After Finding Out What Americans Really Want For Breakfast #~# SPARTANBURG, SC—Struggling to regain his composure and come to terms with what he had just witnessed, market researcher Nathan Pendersen emerged from a Denny’s focus group Thursday shaken after finding out what Americans really want to eat for breakfast. “I asked them which items they’d like to see on our new breakfast menu, and they almost universally said cookie crumbles and pizza, and I’m not sure they meant separately,” a visibly distraught Pendersen said, noting that even the proposed sausage and pepper jack breakfast burrito was received tepidly until it was served on a double stack of pancakes and received four ladles of melted nacho cheese. “Do you know what it’s like listening to a full-grown adult make the case for gummi worms on waffles or just flat-out suggest we find a way to make oatmeal more like a meatball sub? I’m just…I’m just not sure I can do another one of these.” At press time, Pendersen was shuddering at the memory of the resounding approval the focus group had given him after he jokingly introduced the idea of just deep-frying a sack of sugar.
Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces #~# ‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers
Majority Of Seabirds Have Ingested Plastic #~# An analysis of ecological models has found that over 60 percent of seabird species across the globe have plastic in their digestive system, a figure that could rise to 99 percent by 2050 if current pollution trends continue. What do you think?
Linda Cohn Finds Tim Kurkjian’s Design For Baseball Card Of Himself In Office Printer #~# BRISTOL, CT—While looking to retrieve several pages of research notes for an upcoming broadcast of SportsCenter, ESPN anchor Linda Cohn confirmed Thursday that she found what appeared to be Tim Kurkjian’s design for a baseball card of himself sitting in the office printer. “He clearly cut his head out from another photo and put it over a player’s body, and it looks like he just made the whole thing with text boxes on Microsoft Word,” said Cohn, adding that the double-sided, full-color printout portrayed Kurkjian as a shortstop for the New York Yankees with 260 home runs and a .277 batting average. “He copy and pasted the Topps logo on the back, and he even included this little bio that talks about his off-field hobbies and refers to him as ‘a true five-tool player.’ I’m going to do him a favor and just toss this before anyone else sees it.” At press time, Kurkjian was anxiously walking around the ESPN offices and asking if anyone had picked up anything of his with their printouts by mistake.
Lockheed Martin Sales Staff Instructed To Really Push Tactical Air-To-Surface Missiles This Week #~# BETHESDA, MD—In an effort to make a dent in the arms manufacturer’s excess inventory, members of the Lockheed Martin sales team were reportedly instructed during their staff meeting earlier this week to really push the company’s supply of tactical air-to-surface missiles. “Hey, guys, I really need you to step up your game this week—I know we were throwing our weight behind shoulder-fired anti-tank systems last month, but we’ve got a quota to meet and need all these JASSM missiles to move before the end of Q3,” said sales director Peter Donaldson, adding that staff members should make an effort to upsell the infrared homing missile when filling aircraft-integrated guided weaponry orders for their regular clients. “Do whatever it takes to unload this stuff: place a few cold calls to foreign defense agencies, offer to throw in a couple Stalker drones for free. I don’t care what you have to do, just so long as we can hit our numbers and make way for the anti-aircraft shipments we’ve got coming in at the end of the month.” Members of Donaldson’s team said they weren’t particularly worried about the directive, noting that they can always reach out to their congressional contacts and move however many missiles they need to via a last-minute rider on any pending bill.
California To End Unlimited Solitary Confinement #~# California has agreed to no longer indefinitely isolate inmates who are known gang leaders, a policy change that will affect some 3,000 prisoners currently in solitary confinement. What do you think?
How To Talk To Your Child About Death #~# When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death:
Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer #~# WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand. “I saw it come off the bat, and I was like, oh man, it’s coming right toward me,” said Werth, adding that he didn’t have time to put down his clear plastic cup of Miller Lite before the ball reached him. “I hadn’t really been paying attention before that, so it was a good thing I looked up. It was just an instinctive reaction more than anything else. I’m just glad I didn’t get beer all over my new jersey.” Werth added that, while his feat was impressive, it pales in comparison to Brandon Crawford catching a foul ball earlier this season while holding his baby.
Authorities Block Alleged Site Of ‘Nazi Gold Train’ #~# Police in Poland blockaded a stretch of tracks after the alleged discovery of an abandoned train rumored to be the “Nazi gold train,” a freight car reportedly filled with gold and gems before vanishing in 1945 and a target of treasure hunters who, police say, risk their safety by investigating the still-active tracks for clues. What do you think?
5-Year-Old At Underfunded Kindergarten Enjoying Last Few Weeks Before Achievement Gap Kicks In #~# SHREVEPORT, LA—Saying the sense of equality and self-worth wouldn’t last much longer, local 5-year-old Jake Williams told reporters Tuesday that he was enjoying the final few weeks before the achievement gap between him and children at better-funded schools really kicked in. “Pretty soon, kids my age who live in wealthier districts will start testing better than me in every subject, so I might as well try to make the most of this parity while I have it,” said Williams, adding that he planned to savor the experience of being on equal footing with other 5-year-olds until the difference in resources being funneled to their respective schools began hindering his ability to learn basic language skills and math. “I really want to appreciate what little time I have left, because once I’ve internalized the idea that I’m not as smart as other kids, it’s only going to get worse. When I’ve dropped out of school nine or ten years from now, I want to at least know that I took full advantage of this time in my life.” At press time, a teacher was passing out tablet computers to a kindergarten class across town.
Full Summer Of Tending Backyard Garden Produces Single Edible Cherry Tomato #~# CATOOSA, OK—After months of watering, mulching, staking, fertilizing, pruning, and spraying each plant, local homeowner Margie Helmholtz confirmed Wednesday that an entire summer of tending her backyard garden had yielded one edible cherry tomato. According to sources, Helmholtz paid more than $280 for soil, fencing, pesticides, and specialty gloves and hand tools, and also devoted scores of hours to the study of home gardening, purchasing two books and visiting nearly a dozen websites on the subject prior to reaping her single-tomato harvest. The 39-year-old woman is said to have spent part of each weekend on her hands and knees in the searing heat in order to transplant seedlings to her garden, keep them weeded, and ensure the plants’ thorny vines were wrapped correctly around their trellises—actions that, taken together from late May through August, produced exactly one limp tomato approximately one inch in diameter. At press time, sources reported that the cherry tomato tasted fucking awful.
New Dating Site Suggests People You Already Know But Thought You Were Too Good For #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Saying love could be as close as a neighbor or colleague you’ve never once found yourself remotely interested in, new dating website OnSecondThought.com launched this week with a promise to pair users with people they already know but thought they were too good for. “On Second Thought uses a compatibility formula unlike any other site, drawing your personalized matches exclusively from those within your daily life who you’ve always considered beneath you,” said founder Layla Mufti, adding that the site’s easy-to-use interface allows members to get another look at the network of people they’ve written off in the past for not being attractive, intelligent, interesting, polite, active, hygienic, or stable enough to meet their standards. “One day you might get paired with someone from work who you’ve always regarded as mediocre-looking and kind of dumb, while the next it could be a friend of a friend whose annoying Twitter feed you muted. Our algorithm is designed to help you see a person you’ve always found unappealing as your next romantic partner—at this point, why not?” While Mufti expressed her hope to see the site grow, she said the true measure of its success will be the number of short-lived marriages it spawns.
NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
NYC’s ‘Taxi Of Tomorrow’ Unveiled #~# The Nissan NV200 minivan was revealed Tuesday as New York City’s newest taxi, featuring a low-annoyance horn and a more comfortable driver’s seat, with city officials announcing plans to roll out thousands more as older models are retired. What do you think?
What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100 #~# As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100:
You Really Don’t Know Who People Are Until You Make A Vicious Snap Judgment About Them #~# People can be tricky to read sometimes. Often, just when you think you’ve got someone all figured out, they throw you a curveball and you realize you don’t have a clue. I guess human nature is complex like that. So what are we to do? Well, if there’s one thing I’ve discovered over the years, it’s that you can never really know a person until you make a vicious snap judgment about their character.
Relationship In Exciting Early Stage Where Every Exchange Causes Unspeakable Anxiety #~# GARDEN CITY, GA—Admitting that they often felt like they were still on their first date, local couple Derek Peterson and Tara Meyers told reporters Tuesday that they were in the early, exciting stage of their relationship where every interaction causes deep, unspeakable anxiety. “It’s only been a few weeks, so we’re still in that fun part where you closely examine every single thing you say, carefully choosing each word and rehearsing it in your head to make sure nothing can be misconstrued as off-putting,” said Meyers, adding that she and Peterson were for the moment just savoring the thrill of overanalyzing every text message for signs that some sort of offense was taken. “Sure, couples change over time, but for now we’re just gonna enjoy worrying whether a minor pause in a phone conversation was an indication that someone’s feelings were hurt and that the entire relationship is now being called into question.” Meyers went on to say that she hoped their relationship would eventually reach a quieter but more enduring stage where they would simply ignore everything they said to one another.
Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks. “On projects like this, it would probably work better if you bring the design team in for the initial concept meeting with the client to avoid these kinds of complications later on, but I guess you would have known that if you had put even a minute of thought into it from the start,” said Crowell during a one-on-one meeting with one of his project managers, displaying his renowned skill for weaving together valid concerns and helpful pointers with belittling, hurtful jabs to produce a jarring mixture of advice and cruelty. “If I were you, I’d repurpose the basic framework instead of scrapping the entire thing, unless you want to create even more work for other people down the line like you usually do. Try to tentatively finish it up by Thursday evening so that we can come in Friday with fresh eyes, and assuming you haven’t completely ruined it again, make a few last-minute tweaks before sending it back to the client.” Staff members added that Crowell’s remarkable talent was rivaled only by his ability to continuously exude a brash sense of confidence to obscure his crippling personal insecurity.
Report: Climate Change To Force People To Double Ice Cream Consumption Speed By 2050 #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that these projections necessitate immediate action, a report released Thursday by the Environmental Protection Agency revealed that global climate change will force humans to double the speed of their ice cream consumption by the year 2050. “Should greenhouse gas emissions rise according to our current forecasts, the entire global population will need to adapt their ice cream eating habits to the resultant higher temperatures, or risk exposing themselves to sticky hands, faces, and clothing as scoops begin dripping with unprecedented quickness,” said the report’s lead author Amy Ellison, explaining that, within a single generation, humans will have no choice but to eschew any sort of cone and instead opt for a cup and spoon to better contain the faster-melting treat. “Unless we take the necessary steps to reduce CO2 emissions on a global scale, our fate is sealed: ice cream will have to be eaten hastily and hurriedly before it becomes a goopy mess. Our grandchildren might never know what it’s like to truly savor their sundaes.” The study predicted dire consequences for humanity as a result of doubling its ice cream consumption speeds, including higher incidences of indigestion and devastating ice cream headaches that could ravage the entire global populace.
Researchers: Drinking Water Doesn’t Prevent Hangovers #~# A new study of 800 Dutch students has concluded that neither drinking water nor eating fatty foods helps significantly ease hangover symptoms after consuming alcohol, emphasizing that the only way to avoid suffering a hangover is to drink less. What do you think?
Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts #~# NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts. “Look at all this—it’s disgusting,” a visibly repulsed Federer said while using his racket to swat a crumpled McDonald’s bag away from the baseline, pulling his shirt collar over his nose to block the court’s putrid stench that had only grown worse in the afternoon sun. “There’s broken glass all over the backcourt, and I stepped on a used condom when I was walking by the net. I’m pretty sure someone went to the bathroom over by the opposite service line too, because it absolutely reeks of piss over there.” Federer added that, despite the repugnant conditions, he is still thankful he does not have to deal with the packs of wild dogs that roam around the courts at the Australian Open.
God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth #~# THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth. “Oh, yeah, if I got a really good windup I bet I could chuck it four or five thousand light-years,” said God as He eyed the third planet from the Sun, adding that He could probably toss it right into the Pleiades star cluster with His eyes closed. “This thing weighs, what, 6 sextillion tons? With a running start, there’s no way I couldn’t get it past the Crab Nebula. Probably farther.” At press time, the Lord was loosening up His arm by lobbing Mercury and Venus into the nearby A0620-00 black hole.
Paul Ryan Elected Speaker Of The House #~# In a landslide vote, Paul Ryan has been elected to succeed John Boehner as the next Speaker of the House of Representatives. What do you think?
Vicious, Feral House Republicans Run Loose Across D.C. Following Resignation Of Caretaker #~# WASHINGTON—According to law enforcement personnel and dozens of distraught eyewitnesses, packs of savage, ferocious House Republicans are currently running loose through the nation’s capital, causing mayhem and bloodshed on a mass scale following the departure of their longtime caretaker, John Boehner.
Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween #~# ‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers
REI Will Close For Black Friday #~# Outdoor retailer REI announced this week that they will close their stores on the notoriously lucrative Black Friday, encouraging customers to get outside and spend the day with loved ones instead of shopping. What do you think?
Huckabee Earns Nickel For Presidential Campaign By Painting Old Widow’s Picket Fence #~# STAMPS, AR—Whistling “Hail To The Chief” as he flipped the coin into the air and caught it in his palm, Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee confirmed Friday that he had earned a nickel for his campaign by painting an elderly widow’s picket fence. “Hoo golly, when Ol’ Widow Parker said she’d pay me to whitewash her fence, I was nearabout gladder than a possum in a punkin patch,” said a smiling Huckabee, kissing the nickel before dropping it into an empty mayonnaise jar with the letters “PAC” scrawled on the side. “Widow Parker always tried to do right by me, tanned my hide a mess of times when I started raisin’ Cain, but she done civilized me. So faster than all get-out, I changed from my Sunday-go-t’meetin’ clothes, fetched my brush and pail, and painted that fence top to bottom, lickety-split.” Huckabee later confirmed that, on account of his speedy work, the widow had tipped him with a heaping plate of chitlins.
China Ends One-Child Policy #~# Chinese officials have announced the end of a 35-year policy limiting families to one child and will now allow two children per family, a response to mounting concerns about the aging workforce and its vast economic repercussions such as labor shortages and health care costs. What do you think?
Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate #~# The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate: 
Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again #~# HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year. “From now until November, we vow that not an inch of our front lawn will be visible beneath the crowded, haphazard mix of custom gravestones, skeletons, dozens of feet of fake cobwebs, severed heads on spikes, caskets, and our large light-up zombie with glowing red eyes,” said father Luke Hutchcroft, clarifying that the family would go further than simply recreating last year’s already overboard spectacle by adding a number of carefully curated new elements, such as a four-foot diameter spider mounted on the side of their house and bloody-handprint window clings. “And for those of you wondering whether familiar Hollywood serial killers will be making an appearance this year, rest assured that these life-size dummies will be propped against the base of our oak tree as always. Not a single detail will be overlooked, right down to the polyester witch who appears to have been flattened by flying on a broomstick directly into the garage door.” Hutchcroft assured neighborhood residents, however, that the family would clear their front yard of Halloween décor just in time to erect a gaudy, technicolor Christmas monstrosity for the duration of the holiday season.
Team Of Bikini-Clad Women Tend To Injured Dez Bryant In Cowboys’ Rehabilitation Grotto #~# DALLAS—Providing injured players with the very best in amenities, individualized training programs, and exotic Mediterranean fruits, a team of bikini-clad women tended to injured wide receiver Dez Bryant in the Dallas Cowboys’ state-of-the-art rehabilitation grotto, team sources confirmed Thursday. “This place is amazing—I’ve got access to top-of-the-line PT equipment, and I’ve been working really closely with Candi on plyometric strengthening exercises so I can get back on the field as quickly as possible,” said Bryant, sipping on a flute of champagne while several tanned, scantily dressed female trainers carefully stretched his hamstrings. “Lately, it’s just been Tony [Romo] and me swimming laps in the lily pond every morning, and I usually lie out on those sun-bathed limestone rocks and use the electrical muscle stimulation machine to recover after my workouts. Oh, and the private massage area behind the waterfall is really out of this world.” At press time, a group of giggling, topless women had emerged from the rehabilitation grotto’s hot spring after finishing their daily afternoon appointment with Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.
The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating #~# Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.
Report: Majority Of Married People Get Up And Go To Second Family’s House As Soon As Spouse Asleep #~# CHICAGO—Describing it as a common nightly ritual for tens of millions of Americans nationwide, a report published Thursday in The American Journal Of Sociology revealed that 84 percent of married individuals get out of bed and head to their second family’s home as soon as their spouse falls asleep. “The vast majority of subjects we studied lied motionless in bed each night and waited until the very moment their husband or wife drifted off to sleep, at which point they silently slipped out from under the covers and then drove straight to a home occupied by another romantic partner and several other sons and daughters who they’ve also raised since birth,” said study co-author Anthony Copeland, who noted that within the first 60 seconds of dozing off at night, the typical American’s spouse was already out the front door and on their way to visit a second, entirely separate set of loved ones. “After gingerly placing the blanket back in its place, tiptoeing down the stairs, and slowly backing out of the driveway to avoid making any noise, married Americans will typically spend all night with this other family that they deeply cherish and show great affection toward, before ultimately returning and slipping back into bed moments before their first spouse wakes up and rolls over.” Copeland added that in nearly every case, the families that spouses sneak off to visit at night consist of far more attractive partners and better-behaved children who live in much nicer, more expensive homes.
9 Senior White House Staffers Injured In Collapse Of Overcrowded Truman Balcony #~# WASHINGTON—Police and emergency responders were called to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in the early morning hours Thursday after the White House’s Truman Balcony collapsed under the weight of dozens of reveling administration officials, leaving nine senior staffers with moderate to severe injuries, sources reported. “It was made clear to the occupant at the time he moved into the residence that the balcony was not designed for more than five people at a time, but he went ahead and made the reckless decision to let the whole Communications Office out there anyway, and unfortunately this tragedy is what resulted,” said Capitol Police Chief Kim Dine, who was unable to confirm reports that, prior to the collapse, a roughly 20-foot-long beer bong had been seen extending from the balcony to a group of boisterous cabinet officials on the South Portico porch below. “We had responded to this location several times in the past for noise complaints, and we informed administration officials each time that the balcony was only to be used for photographing the First Family or gazing out at the ceremonial gardens. No parties, no barbecue grills—nothing like that. This was, sadly, a very avoidable mishap.” The incident marks the largest emergency response on Capitol grounds since January, when 10 freshman congressmen were rushed to George Washington University Hospital with acute alcohol poisoning following an out-of-control Ways and Means Committee hazing ritual.
Hot Dogs Found To Contain Human DNA #~# Watchdog group Clear Food has tested 345 hot dog samples from 75 brands and found that up to 14 percent had ingredients that contradicted their labeling, such as vegetarian products that contained meat, and 2 percent of the hot dogs tested contained human DNA. What do you think?
Jeb Bush Inching Podium Closer To Center Of Stage During Commercial Breaks #~# BOULDER, CO—Speculating that he might be nudging it just a tiny bit with his foot or something, Americans viewing Wednesday’s Republican presidential debate said that candidate Jeb Bush appeared to be inching his podium closer to the center of the stage during the commercial breaks. “I definitely don’t think he was standing that close to the middle before,” said Phoenix resident Jim Rawson, adding that over the course of four commercial breaks, it seemed as if Bush had closed the gap between himself and the center-stage candidates by at least a foot. “I mean, I’m not imagining this, am I?” At press time, Bush was hastily dragging his podium to its original spot after audibly scraping it against that of fellow candidate Ben Carson.
Carly Fiorina Promises To Fight For Whoever Everyday Americans Are #~# BOULDER, CO—Vowing to be a forceful advocate for the group, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina promised during her opening remarks at Wednesday’s GOP debate that she would fight tirelessly for whoever everyday Americans are. “I will work day and night throughout my presidency to make sure that ordinary folks, whoever they happen to be and whatever they do with themselves, have a voice in Washington,” said Fiorina, adding that if she were elected, average Americans would know they finally had a government that represented them, wherever they come from exactly. “Middle-class families, if that’s precisely what you call them, are what make this country great. They deserve a president who will defend them each and every day from big government, assuming that’s what they need to be defended from. I think that’s it.” Fiorina’s remarks contrasted sharply with those of fellow candidate Donald Trump, who said he knew exactly who everyday Americans were but could care less.
Study: Monkeys’ Roars Mean Lower Fertility #~# Though howler monkeys are one of the loudest primates on earth, with throat sacs that help them emit deep, booming roars to attract females, scientists have noted that the most sonorous calls actually come from the males with the smallest testes, which consequently produce less sperm for their potential mates. What do you think?
Gruesome, Deformed Jason Pierre-Paul Lurking In Sewers Beneath MetLife Stadium #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Quietly navigating through the damp, pitch-black tunnels underneath the 82,500-seat arena, gruesome, deformed New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul was reportedly spotted Wednesday lurking in the sewers below MetLife Stadium. “They mustn’t see me—they mustn’t see me!” muttered Pierre-Paul, using his tattered Giants uniform and helmet to cover his scarred, disfigured body, with reports confirming that the grotesque sixth-year defensive lineman occasionally peeks through small cracks of concrete late in the fourth quarter when the stadium is mostly deserted. “I am a monster now, and I cannot go near the surface dwellers. The shadows…the shadows are my home.” At press time, Pierre-Paul was feasting on a bucket of raw fish left for him near a drainage grate by Giants head coach Tom Coughlin.
John Boehner To Paul Ryan: ‘I Was Once Young And Beautiful Too’ #~# WASHINGTON—Pulling the congressman aside Wednesday and sitting him down in his office, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) reportedly told his likely successor, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), that he had once been young and beautiful too. “There was a time when I had that youthful glow and that glimmer in my eye, just like you; but time passes, and alas, it takes its toll,” said Boehner as he gently brushed the back of his hand along Ryan’s cheek and recalled how he had, years earlier, possessed unspoiled good looks, an innocent charm and energy, and a popularity among his party much the same as that of his heir apparent. “You might not believe it looking at this old, withered shell sitting before you now, but back so many years ago in 2011, I was no different than you—a bright young thing that every Republican congressman wanted to be seen around Washington with. But that doesn’t last forever, my child. Once that pretty face fades and the magic melts away, they have no use for you in this business—none at all.” At press time, a single tear was rolling down Boehner’s cheek after the Speaker turned away in disgust from the wizened, timeworn face he glimpsed in a wall-mounted mirror.
Candidates Preparing For Colorado Debate Conditions With High-Altitude Speaking Drills #~# BOULDER, CO—Arriving in Colorado several days early to get acclimated to the 5,400-foot elevation, Republican presidential candidates have reportedly been preparing for Wednesday’s GOP primary debate with a series of high-altitude speaking drills. “When we first got here, Ted could hardly make it through a single answer about defunding Planned Parenthood before he started feeling nauseous, but practicing his talking points in this thin mountain air has really started to pay off,” said Ted Cruz campaign manager Jeff Roe, adding that his candidate would have struggled even more initially had he not also spent weeks rehearsing his remarks while wearing a special elevation training mask. “Since we’ve started doing the drills, he’s been able to get through his entire opening statement without gasping for breath. As long as he paces himself, he should be fine.” At press time, aides were rushing to supply oxygen to Marco Rubio after he passed out in the middle of lengthy comments about Hillary Clinton’s email server.
Campaign Advisers Secretly Enjoying Totally Destroying Marco Rubio During Practice Debates #~# BOULDER, CO—Reflecting on the repeated drubbings they have doled out since the process began six months ago, advisers for Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio confirmed Wednesday they are secretly enjoying totally destroying him during their practice debates.
Nation’s Conservationists Warn There Only 8 Trillion Rats Left #~# WASHINGTON—Saying their numbers could easily plummet into the hundreds of billions within our lifetime, officials from the World Wildlife Fund issued an urgent warning Thursday stating that as few as 8 trillion brown rats remain in existence. “The world’s beleaguered brown rat population has reached a critical turning point, with only 1,085 of the animals to every human on the planet,” said conservationist Irene Kushner, who noted that human involvement, such as trapping and habitat degradation, meant that a mere 98 percent of wild rats are now able to successfully mate and reproduce. “If action isn’t taken to reverse these threats, then seeing one of these creatures in its natural habitat, skittering along subway tracks or poking its head out of a sewer grate, could become marginally less common. We must act now.” Kushner encouraged everyday citizens to do their part to help the rats’ numbers by producing as much garbage as possible.
New Harry Potter Play In The Works #~# Author J.K. Rowling has announced that the eighth installment of the Harry Potter series will be a two-part stage play called Harry Potter And The Cursed Child, written in collaboration with playwright Jack Thorne and set to open at London’s Palace Theatre next July. What do you think?
Experts: Bacon, Hot Dogs Can Cause Cancer #~# According to the World Health Organization, there is sufficient evidence to link processed red meats to the development of colorectal cancer, which means foods such as hot dogs and bacon will be added to the WHO’s list of known carcinogens. What do you think?
Report: Red Meat Linked To Contentedly Patting Belly #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the effects were almost immediate and largely unavoidable, the National Institute of Food and Agriculture released a report Tuesday linking red meat to contentedly patting one’s belly. “Our data show a strong, statistically significant correlation between consuming servings of red meat and pushing back one’s chair, letting out a satisfied sigh, and gently patting or rubbing one’s abdomen with either one or both hands,” said lead researcher Elliott Hyde, who explained that eating cuts of beef, pork, or lamb was also found to cause acute sereneness and glazing-over of the eyes. “Subjects who ate steaks, burgers, roasts, or chops were also 80 percent more susceptible than non-meat-eaters to groaning happily at audible volumes, and were particularly at risk of uttering vocalizations that contained the phrases ‘Oh, yeah,’ ‘Mmm,’ and ‘That was good.’” The report further revealed that the consumption of processed meats, such as bacon and sausage, was linked to a 100 percent chance of seconds.
Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals #~# The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
FBI Counterterrorism Agent Wistfully Recalls Watching 20-Year-Old Muslim-American Grow Up #~# HOUGHTON, MI—Saying he could hardly believe how much the young man had changed over the past eight years, a visibly sentimental FBI counterterrorism agent fondly recalled Tuesday watching 20-year-old Muslim-American Omar Haddad grow up.
Domino’s Unveils Delivery Car With Built-In Oven #~# Domino’s has announced the upcoming rollout of its DXP or Delivery ExPert vehicle, a modified Chevy Spark that can hold up to 80 pizzas per trip in special stabilized compartments and keep them warm in an on-board oven until delivery. What do you think?
Report: Of Course That Guy On College’s Alumni Committee Now #~# PHILADELPHIA—Noting his particular temperament and his ubiquitous presence in virtually all aspects of student leadership, members of the University of Pennsylvania’s class of 2015 said Tuesday that of course that guy is on the alumni committee now. “Sounds about right,” said Dan Tramell, 22, adding that if any of his roughly 2,500 classmates was going to volunteer for the position, it would naturally be that guy, who not only was student government president but also led the senior class gift campaign. “I mean, who else?” At press time, sources confirmed that—surprise, surprise—the guy had also submitted his recent job promotion to the alumni magazine’s “Announcements” section.
New Downloadable Content For ‘Assassin’s Creed Syndicate’ Factored Into Monthly Living Expenses #~# WHITESTONE, NY—Calculating how the video game’s expansion packs would impact her finances, local woman Jennifer Schneider confirmed Friday that she had factored the cost of the new downloadable content for Assassin’s Creed Syndicate into her regular monthly living expenses. “If I pack a lunch every day instead of going out to eat, I should be able to swing the season pass,” said Schneider, who carefully tallied up the cost of the video game’s add-ons, such as the Jack the Ripper campaign and the 500 Helix Credits Pack, alongside her rent, groceries, utilities, and other basic needs. “I know I should just wait and save up for it, but if I’m already shelling out $60 for the game, I might as well spend the extra 30 bucks and make the most of this investment. I could really use the weapons in the Steampunk Pack. Plus, all season pass members receive a permanent XP boost. Maybe I can put off upgrading my phone plan for a few more weeks so I won’t take such a hit.” At press time, sources confirmed that Schneider was referring to pre-ordering the upcoming Halo release as an “emergency expense.”
I Am Fun #~# I am fun. 
Florida Ends Bear Hunting Season After 2 Days #~# Florida officials have announced the end of the 2015 bear hunting season, a hotly debated event that was initiated to curb Florida’s growing black bear population but lasted only two days before the official limit of 320 harvested bears was reached and regional quotas were surpassed. What do you think?
NFL Week Seven Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from week seven of the NFL season:
Weary Nation Says One Or Two More Divisive Issues Should Finish It Off #~# WASHINGTON—Saying it was “probably just a matter of months now,” weary citizens across the U.S. confirmed Monday that it should only take one or two more divisive issues to finally finish it off. “Given the way things are now, all we need is some controversial trade policy or maybe a local police abuse case to blow up on the national level and that’ll be it,” said Stowe, VT resident Ellen Hueber, echoing sentiments of citizens nationwide who mentioned that, considering the bitter resentment swirling on either side of U.S. foreign policy decisions, gun control, abortion, health care, capital punishment, domestic espionage, the minimum wage, tax rates, stem-cell research, and financial regulation, they were actually surprised the country hadn’t been done in sooner. “If you were to throw just one more politician’s polarizing remarks on immigration or welfare into the mix, then yeah, that just might be the last little push that sends us over the cliff. Certainly, the prospect of military intervention somewhere would do the trick, but honestly, even some sort of small budget proposal should polish us off once and for all.” The nation’s 319 million citizens added that, at this point, they’re just hoping Obama signs a comprehensive climate change executive order soon to bring an end to the nation as quickly and mercifully as possible.
Guard Gives Death Row Inmate Every Chance To End Life Before They Try New Execution Drug On Him #~# CHILLICOTHE, OH—Noting that the effects of the untested chemical combination remain unknown, Chillicothe Correctional Institution guard Matt Bozarth told reporters Monday he is giving an inmate on death row every chance to end his life before the facility tries out new execution drugs on him. “It’ll still be a few weeks before the state gets ahold of enough drugs for this new cocktail, so until then, I thought it would be nice to give him every opportunity he needs to get the job done himself,” said Bozarth, adding that he has made sure to repeatedly linger at the far end of the corridor during his nightly rounds. “I keep reminding him of the execution date just to give him a heads-up, and I slid an extra set of sheets into his cell. Hopefully he took the hint.” Bozarth added that he was also turning a blind eye to contraband to give the inmate a far better shot at successfully completing the task on his own.
FCC Lowers Cost Of Prison Calls #~# The Federal Communications Commission is taking steps to reduce the cost of phone calls to inmates in prison, which currently run as high as $14 a minute but will soon cost a maximum of $1.65 for a 15-minute call, a move that reform groups say will keep families better connected with their loved ones in jail. What do you think?
Creative Writing Professor Takes Time To Give Every Student Personalized False Hope #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In an effort to help his students develop inaccurate perceptions of their talents, University of Virginia creative writing professor Alan Erickson told reporters Monday that he takes the time to provide each and every one of them with personalized false hope. “Every student is different, and even though there may be 30 of them per class, I feel it’s important that I make enough time to sit down with them individually to let them know they have a unique voice worth pursuing,” said Erickson, explaining that he frequently extends his office hours and often stays after class to meet with students one-on-one to ensure they hear individualized, unfounded optimism about their writing and their prospects within the publishing industry. “It certainly adds a bit to my workload, but providing specific feedback and encouragement really has a huge impact on their confidence. Going that extra mile for your students is what inspires them to follow their dreams.” The professor added that his efforts have yielded some notable results, asserting that a number of his most deluded former students have gone on to humiliating, short-lived attempts at writing careers.
China Unable To Recruit Hackers Fast Enough To Keep Up With Vulnerabilities In U.S. Security Systems #~# BEIJING—Despite devoting countless resources toward rectifying the issue, Chinese government officials announced Monday that the country has struggled to recruit hackers fast enough to keep pace with vulnerabilities in U.S. security systems. “With new weaknesses in U.S. networks popping up every day, we simply don’t have the manpower to effectively exploit every single loophole in their security protocols,” said security minister Liu Xiang, who confirmed that the thousands of Chinese computer experts employed to expose flaws in American data systems are just no match for the United States’ increasingly ineffective digital safeguards. “We can’t keep track of all of the glaring deficiencies in their firewall protections, let alone hire and train enough hackers to attack each one. And now, they’re failing to address them at a rate that shows no sign of slowing down anytime soon. The gaps in the State Department security systems alone take up almost half my workforce.” At press time, Liu confirmed that an inadequate labor pool had forced China to outsource some of its hacker work to Russia.
The Pros And Cons Of Artificial Intelligence #~# As technology advances to the point where machines have almost human-like capabilities, humanity is left to ponder the consequences involved with either advancing or holding back the field of computer sentience. Here are the pros and cons of artificial intelligence:
Aging Charles Woodson Keeps Asking To Turn Up Sideline’s Heaters #~# SAN DIEGO—Estimating the temperature near the bench to be at least 85 degrees, both players and coaches on the Oakland Raiders expressed their frustration Sunday over veteran safety Charles Woodson repeatedly asking to turn up the heaters on the sideline. “It must be 70 degrees out right now, but he keeps complaining about how nippy it is and asking to bring the heaters closer to him,” said Raiders wide receiver Amari Cooper, adding that Woodson has also been wrapping himself in blankets on the bench in order to avoid “catching a chill.” “And if we don’t turn the heat up right away, he keeps coughing and looking at us to get our attention. This is ridiculous—we’re all sweating our asses off out here.” At press time, Woodson had told teammates that it was simply too drafty out and went back into the locker room.
Doctors Failing To Recommend HPV Vaccine #~# Though the CDC recommends all children age 11-12 receive the HPV vaccine, researchers have found that up to 27 percent of doctors do not actively recommend it to adolescent patients, a trend that could indicate general discomfort discussing sexual matters with younger patients. What do you think?
Materialistic Single Mom Constantly Thinking Of Money #~# MAPLE GROVE, MN—Noting her obsessive desire for acquiring wealth and physical possessions, local sources confirmed Friday that materialistic single mother of three Jillian Ferguson is constantly thinking about money. “I really need next Friday’s paycheck today, or there’s no way I can get new clothes for the kids,” said the insatiable woman who is reportedly singularly focused on wanting more and more money to buy more things. “It’d be really nice to get a little overtime on my next shift; then I might be able to swing getting a few groceries and pay off some of the bills.” At press time, several reports indicated that the superficial mother was actually crying about her lack of material possessions.
Jim Harbaugh Starts Off Day With Early Morning Sprint Through Ann Arbor #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Explaining that it’s a great way to fit some daily exercise into his otherwise incredibly hectic schedule, University of Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh reportedly started his day off Friday by taking an early morning sprint through Ann Arbor. “I’ve been doing this for years—it’s a great way to get your day going,” said Harbaugh, who begins every day by waking up at 6:30 a.m., putting on his running shoes, and sprinting at full speed for the entire duration of a six-mile run through various neighborhoods near his home. “I like coming out here right around dawn, since no one else is really awake at that hour and the air is so crisp. It really gets the blood flowing.” Harbaugh added that he always likes to finish every run strong by screaming at the top of his lungs for the last half mile.
Bisquick Unveils Sprawling State-Of-The-Art Silicon Valley Campus #~# SUNNYVALE, CA—Explaining how every feature of the sleek, modern work environment was expressly constructed to foster creativity and innovation, executives from Bisquick unveiled the company’s immense new Silicon Valley campus Friday.
Sunscreen Harming Coral Reefs Worldwide #~# The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has found that the global die-off of coral reefs is partially due to a toxic chemical in sunscreen, leading the National Park Service to recommend wearing only “reef-friendly” varieties while swimming in the ocean. What do you think?
49ers Medical Staff Abandons Efforts To Reach Injured Player Due To Hazardous Turf Conditions #~# SANTA CLARA, CA—Claiming the perilous terrain presented an insurmountable obstacle to any rescue attempts, the medical crew for the San Francisco 49ers confirmed Thursday that they were forced to abandon all efforts to reach injured special teams player L.J. McCray due to the incredibly treacherous turf conditions at Levi’s Stadium. “It’s way too dangerous out there, and, unfortunately, we just can’t risk putting our staff in harm’s way in order to get to L.J.,” said athletic trainer Manny Rivera, explaining that his medical team had initially attempted to make their way to McCray’s position, but were forced to turn back halfway upon seeing the hazardous, totally uneven playing surface firsthand. “This is a decision that no one would ever want to make, but the last thing we need is to have more people potentially trapped out there as well. Sadly, L.J. is on his own now, and all we can do is pray that he makes it out alive.” At press time, emergency crews were scrambling after a sinkhole suddenly opened on the 15-yard line and swallowed the entire 49ers secondary.
Biden Will Not Run For President #~# Joe Biden announced yesterday that he will not be running for president in 2016, emphasizing that he nevertheless intends “to speak out clearly and forcefully to influence…where we stand as a party and where we need to go as a nation.” What do you think?
Paul Ryan Awaiting SoulCycle Instructor’s Approval Before Accepting Speaker Role #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that the difficult decision needed to be discussed with those closest to him, Wisconsin representative Paul Ryan told reporters Thursday that he was still awaiting the firm approval of his trusted SoulCycle instructor before accepting the House Speaker role. “While serving as Speaker of the House would certainly be a great honor, I could not even consider stepping into that post unless I absolutely had the full blessing of Craig,” said Ryan, adding that his inclination to accept the House’s top leadership position was entirely dependent on the unwavering support of his longtime instructor, who he’s been with since SOUL101. “I need to spend some quality time with my instructor after his 5:30 a.m. class so we can have a heart-to-heart conversation. Craig knows how to keep me centered, and he’s the most important person in my life, someone who I constantly rely on for support and an epic full-body workout.” Ryan also told reporters that regardless of whether he accepts the House Speaker role, his high-intensity interval training would always come first.
Benghazi Committee Instructs Hillary Clinton To Limit Answers To ‘I Failed The American People’ #~# WASHINGTON—Saying it represented the most efficient use of the panel’s time, members of the House Select Committee on Benghazi instructed Hillary Clinton on Thursday to limit her answers to “I failed the American people.” “We are going to ask that you confine your remarks today to ‘I failed the American people,’ or variations such as ‘I am to blame for this atrocity’ or ‘There is innocent blood on my hands,’” said chairman Trey Gowdy (R-SC), explaining that the committee and the nation as a whole were solely interested in testimony in which the former secretary of state succinctly accepted all blame for the 2012 attacks that left four Americans dead. “In order to ensure we get the information we need, it’s vital that you simply and repeatedly own up to your criminal lapse in judgment, though you are free to declare yourself responsible for other disastrous failures of the U.S. government if you wish.” At press time, committee members were instructing Clinton to simply say that she was withdrawing from the 2016 presidential campaign.
How Meat Reaches Our Table #~# With Americans consuming well over 100 pounds of meat per year on average, many wonder what’s involved in bringing this food from the farm to our table. Here is a step-by-step look at how meat is processed for our consumption:
Stomach Sets Aside Synthetic Additives Until It Has A Few Minutes To Figure Out How To Digest Them #~# BROKEN ARROW, OK—Admitting it had no idea what it was supposed to do with the dozens of preservatives and flavor enhancers, the stomach of local man Shawn Harper reportedly set aside the synthetic additives that the 33-year-old consumed during lunch Thursday until it had a few minutes to figure out how to properly digest them. “Oh, man, I don’t even know where to begin with this stuff—I’m just going to focus on the protein and basic carbohydrates before I even start to think about how to break down any of these artificial sweeteners and colorings,” reported Harper’s stomach, adding that the significant volumes of aspartame, BHA, sodium nitrate, and azodicarbonamide would just have to wait until the organ could summon every possible enzyme to sift through them all. “Boy, this is really going to take some work; I haven’t even seen some of this stuff before. Plus, I’ve still got to deal with all that FD&C Yellow No. 5 that’s just been sitting around since breakfast. Hmm. This stuff looks like it’ll probably slide out of the body fast anyway, so maybe I should just wave it all through.” At press time, Harper’s overwhelmed stomach had concluded it was probably best to vomit up the entire thing.
Subway To Begin Measuring Foot-Long Sandwiches #~# A class-action lawsuit on behalf of Subway customers has concluded with a promise that Subway will now require all employees to measure the bread for their footlongs and ensure each sandwich is a full 12 inches. What do you think?
Pediatricians Warn Pregnant Women Not To Drink #~# Though recent studies have claimed that occasional alcohol consumption causes no harm to a developing fetus, the American Academy of Pediatrics has once again urged pregnant women to abstain, warning that “no amount of alcohol should be considered safe to drink during any trimester of pregnancy.” What do you think?
No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball #~# LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game. “If the ball comes to me, I don’t care where I am on the court or who’s around me—I’m either spiking it or bumping it really high into the air,” said sophomore Elliot Wahl, echoing the sentiments of every one of his classmates, none of whom had set a single ball for a teammate at any point during the 45-minute game. “I basically just want to be right at the net so I can jump up and smash it as hard as I can. That’s all I want to do right now.” At press time, teams had rotated positions for the third consecutive time after another student attempted an acrobatic jump serve and slammed the ball directly into the net.
Government To Confiscate One Person’s Guns Just To Make Rest Of Them Squirm #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they can’t wait to see the looks on the faces of the nation’s most avid gun enthusiasts, top government officials outlined their plan Wednesday to confiscate the legal firearms of one American citizen just to make the rest of them squirm.
Desperate Ohio Now Exploring Homeopathic Execution Methods #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Facing a critical shortage of key lethal injection drugs with over 100 inmates currently waiting on the state’s death row, desperate Ohio officials announced Tuesday that they were now exploring homeopathic execution methods. “Supply restrictions prevent us from obtaining the thiopental sodium or pentobarbital used under our old system, but we’re confident that our new combination of noxious herbs and lethal dilutions will allow us to swiftly and humanely execute our worst offenders via natural means,” said Ohio prisons spokesperson Michael Ewert, adding that the state had consulted with a number of leading homeopaths, gurus, and yogis to ensure their new, holistic method of capital punishment would be effective for killing inmates in mind, body, and soul. “The linchpin of our new system is a potent three-herb cocktail of foxglove, wolfsbane, and deadly nightshade, which will shut down the inmate’s chakras one by one before completely extinguishing their ch’i and then, finally, stopping their heart.” At press time, Ewert confirmed that the state had scrapped the new procedure after an inmate’s spirit had been trapped at the threshold of the natural world for three hours before finally passing into a state of infinite wisdom.
Oprah Winfrey Buys Stake In Weight Watchers #~# Despite the company’s lagging membership in recent years, shares of Weight Watchers stock are up 117 percent since Oprah Winfrey announced in a statement this week that she has purchased a stake in the company. What do you think?
Podcaster Makes Solemn Promise To Improve Sound Quality Next Episode #~# AUSTIN, TX—Apologizing profusely for the scratchy tone and uneven audio levels, local man Thomas Gebhard, host of the weekly podcast The Best Is History, solemnly vowed to his listeners Wednesday that the sound quality would be vastly improved for the next episode. “Before we get into anything today, I’d like to apologize to all of you about the audio quality—we had to switch microphones at the last minute, but I promise you everything will be fixed next week,” said Gebhard, assuring his audience that he was well aware of how profoundly poor sound could detract from an otherwise enjoyable history podcast. “Regular listeners will know that I make every effort to present a professional-quality production. Today I fell far, far short of that standard, and for that I am truly sorry.” Sources later confirmed that the sound remained subpar in the following episode and that a disconsolate Gebhard told listeners he’d understand if they never downloaded another episode again.
Defunded Planned Parenthood Reassures Supporters It Has Enough Fetus Cash To Keep Going #~# WASHINGTON—Following the announcement by Texas state officials to cut Medicaid funding for the nonprofit organization, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards assured supporters Tuesday that it has plenty of fetus cash to keep going for a while. “While the decision by Texas to eliminate taxpayer funding for Planned Parenthood is unfortunate, I want everyone to know that we have an ample supply of sweet baby-organ cabbage to continue providing our services,” said Richards, adding that the reproductive and maternal health organization had enough fetal-tissue scratch to keep the doors open for the foreseeable future. “Lawmakers remain determined to deny reproductive health care to women in need, and if not for our golden baby-parts goose, they well may have succeeded. But rest assured that with our mad stacks of aborted-fetus bucks, the future of Planned Parenthood is as secure as ever.” Richards added that even as she was speaking, Planned Parenthood employees were busy squeezing some extra green out of whatever embryos they had left in the back.
Huckabee Forced To Attend Fundraiser With Head Stuck In Molasses Crock #~# ATLANTA—Struggling in vain to free himself from the sticky vessel, GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee was reportedly forced to attend a campaign fundraiser Tuesday with his head stuck firmly inside a crock of molasses. “I’d love to tell y’all ’bout how Obama’s done let the Arabs run buck-wild ’round the Middle East, but I seem to have got myself into a whole hog’s heap of trouble here,” said Huckabee, his remarks to donors muffled by the ceramic container that slowly trickled dark brown liquid over his neck and shoulders. “It’s past time we had a president who could tell the difference ’tween a tater and a tax plan, and if I weren’t stickier than a possum in pine tar, I’d be fixin’ to shake y’all’s hands for tossin’ a whole mess of money my way.” At press time, sources confirmed that Huckabee’s attempts to pry the pot off his head had succeeded only in getting both of the candidate’s arms stuck inside the crock too.
Oscar Pistorius Released From Prison #~# After completing one year of his five-year sentence for the manslaughter of girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, Oscar Pistorius has been released from jail to serve the remainder of his sentence under house arrest at his uncle’s mansion. What do you think?
I Want My Children To Have A Better Nightlife Than I Had #~# Like most parents, I spend a lot of time thinking about the future my children will inherit and the exciting possibilities that await them. I would love for them to have the chance to achieve their dreams, to be able to go places I’ve never been to and do things I’ve never done. What matters to me most in the world, I’ve come to realize, is that my kids grow up to have a better nightlife than I had. 
Steve Bartman: ‘You Must Kill Me To Break The Cubs’ Curse’ #~# CHICAGO—Claiming that he alone represents the key to the team finally winning a championship, infamous Chicago Cubs fan Steve Bartman announced Thursday that he must be killed in order to break the organization’s World Series curse. “I am writing today to inform you all that, in order to end this 106-year-long title drought, you must find me, and you must kill me,” read the statement released by Bartman’s lawyer, which went on to say that as long as he lives and breathes, “so too does the Cubs’ curse go on.” “I must be killed by a dagger, clutched in the hand of a true Cubs fan, plunged directly into my heart, and only then can the Cubs win a World Series title. Be warned: Should I be killed by any other means, the curse will last for another 100 years. I will be here waiting for you.” Bartman then concluded the statement with, “Go Cubbies!”
Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday. “Prior to joining the board, Horvath spent 19 years in corporate strategy and equity analysis with Hudson-Palmer Advisors and 11 years as an independent asset management consultant,” read the second-to-last sentence of the 450-word bio, which up until the final nine words had given no indication that Horvath had anything in his life other than his lengthy career in the financial sector. “He lives with his wife, Cheryl, and two daughters.” According to sources, a small number of other bios humanized their subjects even further, briefly mentioning their fondness for sailing or the arts.
MPAA Adds New Rating To Warn Audiences Of Films Not Based On Existing Works #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide moviegoers with the information they need to determine which films are appropriate for them to see, the Motion Picture Association of America announced Tuesday the addition of a new rating to alert audiences of movies that are not based on existing works.
Survey: More People Fear Technology Than Death #~# According to a survey that asked 1,500 U.S. adults to rank 88 different fears on a four-point scale, technology ranks second only to the fear of natural disasters, with both of these far outranking the fear of death. What do you think?
Girlfriend Can Tell Man Bullshitting Way Through Explanation Of Pass Interference Call #~# BURNSVILLE, MN—Admitting that she was confused as to why a flag had been thrown during the previous play, local woman Hannah Larson confirmed Sunday that it was blatantly obvious that her boyfriend, Nick Morris, was just bullshitting his way through an explanation of the referee’s pass interference call. “At first, he said the corner was holding the other guy’s jersey, but then he started going on about how you’re not allowed to touch the receiver past the line of scrimmage until the ball is in the air,” said Larson, adding that she could immediately tell Morris was full of shit as soon as she asked him to further clarify, at which point he vaguely noted that the team was lucky not to get called for an illegal shift as well. “I pressed him on it a little bit, and he repeated verbatim what the commentator had just said about the defender not looking at the ball as he made contact with the receiver. Then he sort of trailed off and mumbled something about hands to the face. He has no idea what the fuck he’s talking about.” At press time, Morris was sitting quietly after officials had picked up the flag and announced that there was no penalty on the play.
Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts #~# SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years. “They certainly aren’t around all the time, but every now and then I’m afflicted by these very distressing impulses to do or say something logical about immigration or gun control,” said Carson, describing the severe mental discomfort that he has suffered from intrusive coherent thoughts on climate change, abortion, and homosexuality. “When they do appear, it’s like a dagger in my mind urging me to act reasonably. If I really concentrate and calm myself down, I can make them go away. But I can only ignore them for so long. One day, I might slip up and behave sensibly if I don’t remain vigilant.” At press time, a visibly upset Carson had reportedly closed his eyes and quietly repeated, “Just go away” in an effort to silence the voices in his head urging him to apologize for equating the Affordable Care Act to slavery.
More Americans Coming Out On Facebook #~# According to a statement released by Facebook, nearly three times as many people have listed themselves as homosexual or bisexual on the social network this year than in 2014, and the number of people who “liked” LGBT pages rose 25 percent in the past year. What do you think?
Study Finds 68% Of Americans Unprepared For Sudden Financial Stability #~# AMES, IA—Noting that most Americans never consider the possibility that such life-altering circumstances could ever befall them, a study published Monday by researchers at Iowa State University revealed that 68 percent of citizens are wholly unprepared for a sudden bout of financial stability. “We found that, given their lack of any forethought or preparation for such a scenario, roughly two-thirds of Americans would be completely blindsided by an unexpected increase in their monthly net income, which would have an immediate impact on every single financial decision they make,” said the report’s lead author, Rebecca Linsky, who added that, when abruptly faced with an unforeseen solvent patch, a majority of Americans would quickly find themselves racked by stressful choices regarding which luxuries to spend their extra money on after paying their rent and other bills. “Many people never see a comfortable shift in their finances coming, and in the face of such positive cash flow, have little choice but to make sharp, unanticipated adjustments, such as no longer cutting back on little things like eating out and going to movies.” Linsky emphasized, however, that thanks to the current economic environment and prevailing government policies, most citizens would likely never have to experience such a jarring period of financial security.
NFL Week Six Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from week six of the NFL season:
Carson, Trump Threaten To Boycott GOP Debate #~# In an open letter to CNBC, host of the Oct. 28 Republican presidential debate, frontrunners Donald Trump and Ben Carson stated they would not attend the event unless it were a maximum of 120 minutes long and allowed each candidate opening and closing statements, demands to which CNBC has capitulated. What do you think?
State’s Abortion Waiting Period Allows Women To Explore Alternatives To Making Their Own Decisions #~# RALEIGH, NC—Saying the law provides women with an opportunity to carefully consider all their options, North Carolina officials today praised the state’s abortion waiting period for allowing women to explore alternatives to making their own decisions. “We want to make sure any woman seeking an abortion has ample opportunity to reconsider determining for herself what is best for her body,” said state spokesman Jeremy Neumark, adding that the mandatory 72-hour waiting period gives women the time needed to weigh alternatives to the difficult choice that they had already made and now simply wished to carry out. “When a woman comes to her doctor for an abortion, we know she’s arrived at that choice as the result of a lengthy and often painful decision-making process, and we’d like to respect that by giving her some additional time to second-guess herself.” Neumark went on to say that any woman who has decided to not have an abortion is encouraged to trust her own judgment on such an important and personal matter.
Depression, Strained Finances Combine Forces To Produce Grotesque Culinary Abomination #~# OAKLAND, CA—Having worked separately at various stages throughout the 27-year-old’s life, local man Anthony Ryder’s depression and financial struggles reportedly teamed up Monday to produce a truly grotesque culinary abomination. According to sources, after Ryder’s lethargy and lack of motivation sapped his energy to walk to the nearby grocery store and his dwindling checking account balance dismissed the option of ordering delivery, the two forces banded together to construct a hideous monstrosity of stale crackers, soy sauce, his final slice of lunch meat, and a random assortment of other ingredients culled from his refrigerator and cabinets. Working in unison, the man’s increasing personal debt and lowered serotonin levels then reportedly pressured Ryder to top the freakish amalgamation with one of his roommate’s Kraft singles and place the unholy mess in the microwave. At press time, the man’s all-consuming feelings of emptiness and his profound lack of self-worth had taken over completely, preventing Ryder from putting the repulsive concoction back in the microwave after it was found to still be cold and instead compelling him to eat the whole thing right then and there while leaning over the sink.
The Pros And Cons Of Freelance Employment #~# In the post-recession landscape, many young people encounter a lack of salaried full-time positions available to them and opt instead for a series of freelance or contract assignments that provide short-term bursts of employment and compensation. Here are the pros and cons of taking on freelance employment:
Creepy Real Estate Listing Really Talking Up Size Of Crawlspaces #~# LINCOLN, NE—Repeatedly drawing attention to the narrow area’s ease of access and “incredible potential,” sources confirmed Thursday that a particularly creepy local real estate listing was going far out of its way to talk up the size of an available home’s crawlspaces. “All-new wood floors in this charming Dutch Colonial, along with spacious, completely empty crawlspace that runs along entire base of home—rare vintage gem with ample crawlspace room to meet your needs,” read the eerie posting, which in addition to measuring the home’s square footage both with and without the crawlspaces factored in, also featured several high-resolution images of the crawlspace below the lower floor with captions such as “great space” and “very big.” “Perfect starter home featuring updated appliances, 80-foot lot, and untouched crawlspaces. Priced to move. Crawlspace access doors easily hidden from view.” At press time, sources reported that the unsettling listing had received an alarmingly high number of inquiries mere minutes after being published.
Jim Caldwell Provides Lions Players With Printouts Of Inspiring Halftime Speech #~# DETROIT—As the Detroit Lions entered the locker room Sunday following the first half of their game against the Chicago Bears, head coach Jim Caldwell reportedly provided every player with a three-page printout of an inspiring halftime speech. “Everyone, please take one,” Caldwell told players as he handed out copies of a 1,400-word, single-spaced motivational locker-room address, titled “Halftime Speech 10/18/15,” which had various words and phrases bolded or underlined for emphasis. “You have approximately 12 minutes to read it before the third quarter starts. You may begin.” After he made sure that everyone on the team had a copy, team sources confirmed that Caldwell stood quietly at the front of the locker room while the entire team read in complete silence.
Obama: Troops To Stay In Afghanistan Past 2016 #~# Though he originally pledged to remove all U.S. troops from Afghanistan by the end of 2016, Obama announced this week that 5,500 ground troops would remain through the end of his presidency and beyond, likely in an attempt to prevent the resurgence of Taliban forces or the rise of ISIS. What do you think?
Lindsey Graham Asks Nearby Family To Take His Picture For Photo Op #~# LACONIA, NH—Promising that it would only take a second, Republican presidential candidate Lindsey Graham reportedly asked a nearby family Friday if they could take his picture for a photo op at a local fall harvest festival. “Would you folks mind getting a picture of me in front of these corn stalks?” said Graham, who reportedly had his request politely declined by several individuals before eventually finding a group of fairgoers who agreed to use the senator’s cell phone to take the photo he would post on his campaign website and distribute to the media. “Once you can see me on the screen, just push the button. Oh, hold on, let me turn the flash off. Actually, it might be good to take a couple shots just in case I wasn’t smiling or I blinked. Hopefully they don’t turn out blurry.” At press time, several people had reportedly walked through the frame, not realizing that Graham was posing for a picture.
First-Grader Given Sticker For Behavior During Lockdown Drill #~# ANAHEIM, CA—As a reward for following directions the best of all his classmates, local first-grader Daniel Reinhart received a sticker Friday recognizing his good behavior during a lockdown drill at Paul Revere Elementary School. “You did such a super job, Daniel,” said teacher Anna Jarvis, handing the beaming 6-year-old a sparkly gold star for making less noise than anyone when the lights were shut off, the door was locked, and the entire class was ushered into the closet. “He was the quietest little mouse, but most of you did a great job too!” At press time, Jarvis was telling another student that if he wanted a sticker next time, it was very, very, very important he not giggle.
Report: Nation Spends $50 Billion Annually To Get Kids Excited About Things #~# WASHINGTON—Taking into account investments by government agencies, nonprofit organizations, and private industry, a report released Friday by the Pew Research Center revealed that a total of $50 billion is spent annually in the U.S. to get kids excited about things. “Each day in this country, well over $100 million is spent on efforts to take something, such as reading, science, going outdoors, or breakfast, and get kids excited about it,” said lead researcher Michael Hazlett, adding that in 2014 alone, over $10 billion was spent on getting kids excited about fruit. “In addition to the $50 billion that goes toward getting kids excited about fitness or dental hygiene or any number of other things, we found that an even larger sum of $65 billion is then spent each year on making those things fun.” The report concluded that at any given moment, an average of 0.3 percent of the nation’s children are excited.
Man With No Real-Life Career Goals Knows Exact Job He’d Want In Harry Potter Universe #~# CLARKSVILLE, TN—Noting that he had spent a significant amount of time reflecting on the matter, sources confirmed Friday that 28-year-old local man Nathan Whalen, who has no real-life career goals whatsoever, knows exactly which job he’d want in the Harry Potter universe. “I definitely think I would be a wandmaker, because I like working with my hands and I consider myself a pretty good judge of character,” said Whalen, who has reportedly bounced around a number of entry-level positions over the past several years without devoting any thought at all to his long-term career prospects. “I used to want to be a potions master, but I think all those exact measurements would get kind of tedious after a while. Though, obviously, it would be great to have an office in the dungeon.” At press time, the man who has no clue how to change the oil in his car was speaking at length about the differences between the Nimbus 2000 and Cleansweep Seven broomstick models.
FBI Investigators Struggling To Keep Track Of All The DraftKings Employees Nicknamed ‘D-Blaze’ While Sifting Through Emails #~# BOSTON—Amid an ongoing inquiry into the alleged use of insider information and predatory tactics by the daily fantasy sports website, FBI investigators confirmed Friday that they have had incredible difficulty keeping track of all the different DraftKings employees nicknamed “D-Blaze.” “We have uncovered some very concerning instances of illegal gambling practices and the dissemination of proprietary information, but unfortunately, the precise perpetrators have been hard to identify, since it appears that well over half of the DraftKings staff have the informal moniker ‘D-Blaze,’” said lead investigator Garrett Hoffman, noting that the overwhelming majority of the company’s internal messages were addressed from one employee going by “D-Blaze” to another who also goes by “D-Blaze,” each of whom could refer to hundreds of individuals throughout the company’s hierarchy all nicknamed “D-Blaze.” “We’ve been able to eliminate some of the confusion by assigning each ‘D-Blaze’ a different number for reference. That said, almost all of the employee email addresses have been customized to some iteration of DBlaze@draftkings.com—either with hyphens, underscores, multiple z’s, or a string of x’s affixed to the end—so the investigation has been slowed considerably.” Hoffman added, however, that FBI agents have successfully identified the three executives on the DraftKings board of directors who had been dubbed “G-Train.”
New Study Questions Health Risks Of Prolonged Sitting #~# Though numerous studies have cited the risk of early death in those who sit for prolonged periods at home or work, a new British study contests these claims, emphasizing that physical activity minimizes health risks much more than other options such as standing desks. What do you think?
Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley #~# Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?
43 Shootings Committed By U.S. Toddlers This Year #~# The Washington Post reports that so far in 2015, there have been 43 cases in which U.S. children under age 3 have killed or wounded themselves or others by firing a gun, with journalists suggesting these figures could actually be an undercount due to cases that go unreported. What do you think?
Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain #~# HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain. “All of us in the Houston Texans organization are incredibly saddened to confirm that, unfortunately, Jadeveon didn’t make it,” head coach Bill O’Brien said during an emotional press conference, adding that while Clowney fought bravely to the very end, he passed away due to complications with the injury late Wednesday night. “The doctors did everything they could, but it was a high-degree ankle sprain, and his condition deteriorated quickly. All we can do now is keep Jadeveon’s family in our thoughts and prayers, and extend our deepest condolences.” O’Brien added that the Texans will wear special “JC” helmet stickers for the rest of the season to honor Clowney.
Taliban Leaders Already Know Which Westernized Schools The First To Go As Soon As U.S. Troops Leave Afghanistan #~# KUNDUZ, AFGHANISTAN—Claiming that the recent extension of U.S. military presence in Afghanistan was only a minor setback, Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor confirmed Thursday that the Islamic fundamentalists already know which Westernized schools will go first once American forces withdraw. “We already have a shortlist of the most modern, progressive schools to be burned to the ground on day one, so we have to sit tight just a little longer,” said Mullah Mansoor, adding that the Taliban has for years been monitoring Afghan schools for Western texts, girls in the classroom, and any other blasphemous feature that suggests an educational approach outside the strictest form of fundamentalist Islam. “Obviously, all the Westernized schools are going to be shut down and destroyed eventually, but there are some obvious starting points.” Mullah Mansoor went on to say that if he was lucky, an errant U.S. drone strike might even take care of one or two schools for him. 
Bobby Jindal Lies To Parents About Winning GOP Nomination #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying he wasn’t quite president yet but that he was very, very close, Republican candidate Bobby Jindal reportedly lied to his parents Thursday about winning the 2016 GOP nomination. “Now, I don’t officially become president until I win the general election, but I’m just one step away,” said the Louisiana governor on a phone call with his mother and father, cautioning them that while he wasn’t able to live in the White House just yet, he almost certainly would be soon, and they could visit him anytime they wanted. “Yeah, thanks, it’s very exciting. It’s still sinking in…of course you guys can be there when I take the oath of office!” At press time, Jindal’s parents were reportedly telling him how proud they were and that they weren’t the least bit surprised.
Obama Follows White Stallion Into Moonlit Rose Garden #~# WASHINGTON—After waking to a faint rustle of hooves upon fallen leaves and peering out his window to glimpse a silvery mane in the distant mist, President Barack Obama reportedly followed a white stallion through the White House Rose Garden in the early moonlit hours of Thursday morning.
Study Finds Carving Names Into Public Property Prolongs Relationship By 30 Or More Years #~# MINNEAPOLIS—According to a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Marriage And Family that assessed factors contributing to lasting and happy relationships, the practice of carving names into public property prolongs the time a couple is together by 30 years or more. 
Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good #~# ‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat
Surgical Gloves, Gowns Pose Risk To Medical Workers #~# A series of simulations have shown that even when hospital workers follow protocols for gown and glove removal, harmful bacteria often transfers to their clothes or skin underneath and puts them at risk for infection, with researchers proposing solutions like redesigned garments that can be more easily removed or bleaching the garments to kill germs before removal. What do you think?
Sauce-Spatter Analysis Allows Investigators To Reconstruct Horrific, Grisly Consumption Of Meatball Sub #~# ELIZABETH, NJ—Carefully analyzing the sizes and telltale patterns of the deep red stains, investigators reportedly conducted a thorough sauce-splatter analysis Tuesday to reconstruct the horrific, grisly consumption of a meatball sub that occurred inside a local marketing firm’s offices. “By measuring inward from the farthest-flung sauce droplets and testing how much moisture remained in them, we’ve determined that a roughly eight-inch sandwich—almost certainly smothered in melted provolone and marinara—was viciously devoured by the perpetrator less than an hour ago,” said lead investigator Heather Fischer, adding that based on the swath of crumbs spread across the desk and floor, it was likely that the grotesque event was over in a matter of seconds. “Moreover, this shiny grease spot here indicates that the oily Italian bread remained stationary for a brief period, possibly in order for the suspect to gulp down some Dr. Pepper, stuff a few salt and vinegar chips in his mouth, or search frantically for a napkin. Whatever the case may be, it is clear that the individual acted without even a shred of remorse.” Fischer added that her team was planning a stakeout of the cubicle during the next day’s lunch hour to test their theory that the savage, degenerate suspect would strike again.
NBA Cares Program Sends Chicago Bulls Players To Spend Time At Hospital Visiting Derrick Rose #~# CHICAGO—Noting that the charitable gesture has done wonders for his general mood and energy levels, officials from the NBA Cares program confirmed that several members of the Chicago Bulls made a surprise visit to a local hospital Wednesday to spend time with Derrick Rose. “The look on Derrick’s face when Joakim Noah and Jimmy Butler walked into his hospital room and gave him a couple of high-fives—you could just tell it meant the world to him,” said program spokesperson Liz Ventura, explaining that numerous players have taken trips to the hospital to sign autographs and take pictures with Rose, often staying with him for over an hour. “The poor guy has been stuck in that bed for such a long time, so having the Bulls come by and play some NBA 2K16 with him is absolutely the highlight of his week. Pau Gasol has actually visited a couple of times, and Derrick still never wants to take off the jersey he gave him. The best part is that afterwards, he’s so much more upbeat about his treatment. It’s really a blessing.” Ventura noted, however, that several doctors have privately asked Bulls players to avoid getting Rose’s hopes up by assuring him he will make a full recovery.
Jennifer Lawrence Decries Hollywood Wage Gap #~# Actress Jennifer Lawrence has published a frank editorial in the newsletter Lenny about receiving lower compensation than her male co-stars in American Hustle, explaining that women in Hollywood are discouraged from fighting for equal pay in part because it threatens to make them less likable. What do you think?
David Koch Delivers Suit With Note Reading ‘Wear This Tonight’ To Marco Rubio’s Hotel Room #~# NEW YORK—Leaving the package directly on the center of the bed for the senator to discover upon his arrival, billionaire industrialist David Koch delivered a suit with a note reading “Wear this tonight” to Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio’s room at the Waldorf Astoria hotel Wednesday, sources confirmed. “Cannot wait to see you in this,” read the message handwritten on textured card stock and sealed in an envelope stamped with a red wax “K,” which sources confirmed was affixed to a Valentino box containing a black three-piece single-breasted suit that, upon slipping it on, Rubio discovered was tailored to his exact measurements. “You’ll find me in the ballroom at 7:30.” Sources later confirmed that, after examining his reflection in a full-length mirror, Rubio wiped away a single tear, took a deep breath, and walked out his hotel room’s door.
SAT Prep Tips #~# The first SAT test of the new school year takes place November 7, and students’ scores will determine which colleges will take their applications seriously. Here are some tips for acing the SAT and getting into the college of your dreams:
Blood-Drenched Sarah Koenig Announces Topic For Upcoming Season Of ‘Serial’ #~# NEW YORK—Staggering onto the stage at a promotional event for the popular podcast, a trembling, blood-drenched Sarah Koenig reportedly revealed Wednesday that producers had finally selected the topic for the upcoming second season of Serial. “We have chosen a storyline that is certain to have a number of shocking revelations and disturbing details as the ongoing investigation unfolds in real time,” said Koenig, adding that this season of Serial will go deeper than ever before and feature exclusive access to the story’s central figure, before pausing for several moments to silently stare down at her hands. “I can assure you this season will have plenty of twists and turns to keep fans guessing from week to week. We will present listeners with every startling piece of evidence and a graphic personal account, but it’s impossible to predict how it will end.” Sources confirmed that Koenig then cut her remarks short and sprinted offstage upon hearing the distant sound of a siren.
There’s No Greater Bond Than The One Between A Mother And Her Child’s Accomplishments #~# To say that becoming a mother changes you doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. It completely reshapes who you are and how you view the world, and it instills within you a profound and seemingly endless capacity to love. I know that it probably sounds cliché, but until you have a child of your own, you can never truly understand how strong the bond is between a mother and her child’s accomplishments.
Gastric Bypass Patients At Higher Risk Of Self-Harm #~# According to a new study, those who undergo radical weight-loss surgery are significantly more likely to attempt suicide after their procedure, leading many to emphasize obesity’s relation to depression and advocate for mandatory post-surgery counseling. What do you think?
Clinton Promises To Enact Agenda Whether Or Not She Elected #~# LAS VEGAS—After laying out her vision for the country during the first Democratic debate Tuesday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly vowed that she would enact her agenda whether or not she is elected. “A quality, affordable education should be accessible to all Americans who are willing to put in the hard work, and I promise that I will carry through this initiative whether or not I become the next president of the United States,” said Clinton, asserting that support or opposition from the nation’s voters would have zero impact on her implementation of such a platform in the years ahead. “Tax relief for the middle class and small businesses, the defense of reproductive rights for all women, and universal background checks for gun purchases will be accomplished regardless of whether you agree or disagree, or if I receive the Democratic nomination or 270 electoral votes in the general election. All of these things will come to be.” At press time, the presidential hopeful looked directly into the camera and declared that her plan to create a path to citizenship for undocumented workers was already underway and could not be stopped.
Bernie Sanders Repeatedly Scolded For Attempting To Unionize Debate Moderators #~# LAS VEGAS—Saying his repeated efforts to collectively organize the panel were inexcusable, representatives from CNN told reporters Tuesday night that they had to scold Bernie Sanders on numerous occasions for attempting to unionize the moderators of the Democratic presidential debate. “So far during this debate, we’ve sent producers on stage during every commercial break to remind him that this is not the forum to demand fair wages and safe working conditions for moderators,” said CNN official Tara Ramirez, adding that Sanders had spent an entire rebuttal attempting to coax moderator Don Lemon into calling a unionization election right then and there. “We thought he understood, but then he was right back at it, telling Anderson Cooper that if he stood up against the machine now, moderators from Fox and other networks would follow and generations of future moderators would benefit.” Ramirez went on to say that network representatives also had to repeatedly remind Hillary Clinton that moderators were, in fact, permitted to make eye contact with her. 
Teammates Unnerved By Kris Bryant’s Repeated Attempts To Break Cubs’ Curse With Slaughtered Goats #~# CHICAGO—Describing the sickening sight and stench of the carcasses that have become a constant presence around the clubhouse, members of the Chicago Cubs admitted to reporters Tuesday that they have become increasingly unnerved by third baseman Kris Bryant’s repeated attempts to break the team’s so-called “Curse of the Billy Goat” by slaughtering goats. “I know he thinks he’s doing it all for the team, but his fixation with finding and killing all of these goats is starting to get out of control,” said first baseman Anthony Rizzo, adding that Bryant, who has killed an estimated 30 goats since the playoffs began, has disgusted teammates with rituals that include sprinkling powdered goat horn inside the batter’s box and storing severed goat heads in the dugout’s helmet rack. “It’s kind of scary how seriously he takes it, like the way he freaks out whenever he can’t find his goat bone necklace or whenever somebody interrupts him while he’s disemboweling a calf in the clubhouse. He even dipped everyone’s socks in goat’s blood before last night’s game, and then after we won, he said he had to go blow up a goat in his backyard to make sure we clinch the series. This man needs help.” At press time, sources confirmed that the Wrigley Field grounds crew was scrambling to remove a decapitated goat dangling from the right field Jumbotron before Game 4 of the NLDS.
‘Playboy’ To Stop Printing Nude Photos #~# Playboy magazine has announced that future issues will no longer run photos of fully nude women, instead focusing on a “modern editorial and design approach” that executives hope will appeal to a wider audience and serve as an alternative to internet pornography. What do you think?
Clinton Campaign Asks CNN To Stock Dressing Room With 4 Pounds Of Flavorless Protein Paste #~# LAS VEGAS—Saying the presidential candidate simply wouldn’t go on stage unless her requests were met, Hillary Clinton’s campaign staffers informed CNN producers Tuesday that her dressing room must be stocked with four pounds of flavorless protein paste ahead of tonight’s Democratic primary debate. “Please provide one (1) carton containing no less than 64 ounces of unflavored protein paste, which is to be waiting pre-opened and at room temperature on the candidate’s dressing table before she arrives,” wrote Clinton campaign manager Robert Mook in a rider sent to CNN, which also included a request for a single flat wooden paddle with which to consume the paste. “Do not provide any other food items or beverages, as their presence is unnecessary and will upset the candidate. The protein paste is all that is required.” At press time, debate stagehands were scrambling to meet the Clinton campaign’s further request that the dressing room’s audio system play a steady continuous tone at 440 hz.
Aging Mother Knows Any Wrong Move Could Be Taken For Telltale Sign Of Dementia #~# TACOMA, WA—Remarking upon the enormous caution she now takes before saying or doing anything in the presence of a loved one, local mother Sharon Powell, 64, told reporters Tuesday she knows any wrong move she makes could be interpreted by her family as a telltale sign of dementia.
Aides Gently Remind Hillary Clinton Not To Refer To Opponents As ‘Obstacles To Greatness’ #~# LAS VEGAS—In an effort to help the presidential hopeful make her best possible impression during tonight’s Democratic primary debate, Hillary Clinton’s aides gently reminded her Tuesday not to refer to her opponents as “obstacles to greatness.” “When you’re addressing the other candidates, just make sure not to call any of them ‘impediments to glory’ or ‘the only things standing between me and my rightful place in history’ or anything like that; it’s probably best to just stick to using their names,” said chief strategist Joel Benenson, who has reportedly stopped Clinton several times over the course of her practice debates to recommend that she use the phrase “the senator” when referring to Bernie Sanders instead of “a minor blip on my path to ascendancy.” “You’re really nailing all the policy details, which is great, but if you can, remember to stay away from likening your opponents to ‘temporary obstructions,’ ‘pins to be knocked down,’ or ‘mere speed bumps.’ I’d also suggest trying the phrase ‘When I’m in the White House’ instead of ‘When the throne is mine’—just a thought.” Benenson added that Clinton should also be cautious about how many times she referred to herself as “The One” throughout the debate.
City Adds Some Big Concrete Stairs #~# They’re For Sitting On Or Running Up Or Something
Apple Blocks News App In China #~# According to the New York Times, the iPhone’s news app appears to have barred all users in China from accessing it, a sweeping move that Apple possibly undertook to avoid a patchwork of censorship wherein particular articles deemed unacceptable by the Chinese government would be blocked. What do you think?
Blood Runs Down House Of Representatives Walls As Chamber Itself Selects New Speaker #~# WASHINGTON—As the hall’s lights flickered and the floor trembled for minutes on end, sources confirmed that great torrents of blood ran down the walls of the House of Representatives Monday as the chamber itself selected a new speaker. According to reports, the blood flooded the chamber’s upper gallery and then spilled over onto the speaker’s rostrum, at which point the name “Peter Roskam,” intoned in an unholy growl that seemed to rise from the very depths of damnation, could be heard reverberating throughout the Capitol. Witnesses told reporters that after hearing his name called, the Illinois Republican and chairman of the House Ways and Means Subcommittee on Oversight was visibly shaking as he walked alone to the front of the chamber and seated himself in the blood-drenched speaker’s chair. At press time, House Republicans had decided that Roskam had not been willing enough to take on President Obama and were aggressively seeking his replacement.
Eli Manning Drops Off Dirty Game-Day Uniforms At Parents’ House #~# NEW ORLEANS—Retrieving a duffel bag full of his stained, fetid clothing from his trunk, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning dropped off all of his dirty game-day uniforms at his parents’ house Monday to be cleaned for the following week. “I usually stop at home once a week with all my dirty clothes from football, and then my mom washes and folds everything for me,” said Manning, adding that his mother makes sure he has enough clean socks to wear until his next visit. “I tried doing it myself my rookie year, but I accidentally bleached my home jersey, so I just have my mom do it since she knows about all the temperature settings on the washer and the right detergents to use and all that stuff. And before I leave, she always packs a bunch of frozen home-cooked meals for my road games. It’s great.” Manning added that if he is lucky, his parents will treat him to dinner at the local Texas Roadhouse before he heads home.
How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate #~# The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate:
California Bans ‘Redskins’ But Keeps Confederate Names #~# California governor Jerry Brown has signed a bill banning use of the name “Redskins” for all sports teams throughout the state but has decided to veto a proposed ban on naming public buildings after Confederate heroes, a choice that Brown said should be left to local decision-makers. What do you think?
NFL Week Five Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the fifth week of the 2015 NFL season:
College Administrators Hold Candlelight Vigil To Honor Donor Lost In Mishandled Rape Case #~# NEWPORT, VA—Struggling to maintain their composure as they gathered on the main quad, dozens of administrators from Coleman College held a candlelight vigil Monday to honor Robert Carlson, a highly respected donor who was lost in a mishandled campus rape case earlier this month. “Robert had such a tremendous impact on this community; it’s so awful to have lost him in such a senseless way,” said university president Allen Brown, who, after lamenting the school’s inadequate investigation and ensuing cover-up of a student’s sexual assault that led to Carlson’s passing from the annual donor rolls, proceeded to lead the crowd in a brief moment of silence. “This heartbreaking tragedy has had a devastating effect on every one of us—something like this should never, ever happen here. I can honestly say that this school will not be the same without him.” At press time, a teary-eyed Brown could be seen holding hands with other campus officials, emphasizing that everyone must truly cherish the time they have with their donors before it’s too late.
Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement #~# LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement. “When I first saw the ad for the black ballet flats in my Facebook news feed, it seemed harmless enough, but then I went to check the forecast on Weather.com and it was waiting there for me—it’s really kind of disturbing,” said Spelman, adding that she has taken to scrolling away from the fanatical ad as fast as possible whenever she catches sight of it. “I thought it was over when I started reading an article on Google News, but then it just popped right up out of nowhere and startled me. The creepiest part is that it even seems to know my shoe size. I just want it to stop, but it won’t leave me alone.” At press time, the obsessed promotion had grown bolder and more invasive, harassing Spelman with the shoe in question as well as a rotating carousel of five other similar styles.
Harry Potter Fans Advised To Stay Off Railroad Tracks #~# The British Transport Police are warning tourists and sightseers to stay off the active railroad tracks that run atop the scenic Glenfinnan viaduct, featured in Harry Potter as the route taken by the Hogwarts Express, after many visitors have put themselves in danger attempting to photograph them. What do you think?
Nobel Peace Prize Awarded To Tunisian Group #~# The Nobel Committee has awarded its annual Peace Prize to the National Dialogue Quartet, a collection of Tunisian civil society groups that have worked together since the 2011 Arab Spring uprising to foster democracy in the region and prevent dictatorships from regaining control. What do you think?
Biden Huddling With Closest Advisers On Whether To Spend 200 Bucks On Scorpions Tickets #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to carefully weigh every option before determining his future, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly huddled with several of his closest advisers Friday to decide whether to “pony up 200 smackers” for Scorpions tickets. “This is the toughest decision I’ve faced—sure, it’s Rudy Schenker and the boys from Hanover we’re talking about, but I don’t know if I can swing 200 bones for just one night of the Scorps,” said Biden, who reportedly took a large swig from a Keystone tallboy while listening to his chief of staff Steve Ricchetti debate with fellow confidants T-Bone and The Gooch about the merits of scoring tickets from a scalper in the parking lot. “Shit, I guess Candi could slip into that low-cut number of hers and distract security with the goods while I sneak into a service entrance. Pretty damn risky, and I ain’t too keen on spending another night in the clink like I did back in ’84 during the Love At First Sting tour. This could be my last shot; I’m not sure Joe will be around for the Scorpions’ 75th anniversary tour.” At press time, Biden announced plans to form an exploratory committee to look into the possibility of acquiring Scorpions tickets in exchange for a pair of 240-watt Pioneer stereo speakers.
Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr. #~# Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?
Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest #~# SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed. “When the first of us fled out here months ago, we had nothing but the ‘Christie 2016’ apparel on our backs, but over time we’ve been able to build a community and welcome in the scores more just like us who arrive each day,” said former media strategist Melissa Ulm, adding that the continuous increase in the camp’s population has forced its residents to construct dozens of tents from campaign banners and microphone stands patched together with Chris Christie bumper stickers. “Our supplies were nearly depleted by the wave of deserters that arrived after the second debate—many of us were forced to chew on tote bags for sustenance. Thankfully, we were able to make it through that difficult time, and we aren’t expecting too many more to show up, as there are only a handful of staffers left on the outside.” At press time, a party from the makeshift settlement was laying siege to a nearby encampment of Rick Santorum deserters in an effort to steal their “Choose Life” sweatshirts for the long winter ahead.
How To Talk To Your Child About Sex #~# It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
Report: 15,000 People Vanish From ‘Fall Fest’ Hayride Wagons Each Year #~# IOWA CITY, IA—An alarming report published this week by researchers at the University of Iowa revealed that over 15,000 Americans vanish without a trace from “Fall Fest” hayride wagons every year. “Our data shows that, each autumn, between 1 and 2 percent of all Fall Fest attendees who climb up onto the back of straw-covered wagons and embark on tractor-pulled hayrides never return,” said the report’s lead author, Simon Shaw, noting that on the average hayride, at least two or three passengers will unexpectedly go missing and be lost forever. “Last year alone, we catalogued over 8,000 cases in which passengers disappeared from the wagon before they even reached the pumpkin patch, leaving behind nothing but empty hay bales where they once sat and overturned cups of steaming hot apple cider.” The report also discovered over 1,000 recorded instances of tractors emerging from cornfields without their drivers or any passengers at all, slowly trundling back toward the festival grounds with not a soul in sight.
NYT Aims To Double Revenue By 2020 #~# The New York Times has assured investors that despite downward trends in the print media industry, they intend to double revenue by 2020, aiming to corner the digital subscriber market and draw in a younger contingent of readers. What do you think?
Mark McGwire Confident He Could Still Disgrace Game At High Level Today #~# LOS ANGELES—Despite retiring from the sport 14 years ago, 52-year-old former All-Star hitter Mark McGwire confidently told reporters Friday that he could still disgrace baseball at the highest level today. “I might not be what I once was, but I could definitely get out there on the field and completely tarnish the reputation of the sport just like I used to,” said McGwire, adding that while he enjoys working as a hitting coach for the Dodgers, he is often nostalgic for the days when he would wake up every morning, lie to teammates and fans, and let down everyone connected to baseball. “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered coming back for another season to destroy the legacy of an entire generation of players. Look, I’m confident in my abilities, and there’s no doubt in my mind that I could go out there tomorrow and deliver a few huge blows to the credibility of Major League Baseball.” McGwire conceded, however, that even in his prime, he couldn’t disgrace the game as much as current New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez.
22-Year-Old Broke, Homeless 10 Days After Taking Control Of Own Finances #~# MILFORD, CT—Intermittently gnawing at an old apple core and scratching at his unruly bramble of stubble, 22-year-old Daniel Hardin admitted to reporters Thursday that he had become completely broke and homeless 10 days after taking control of his own finances. “I thought it was time to take my payments and bills into my own hands once I graduated, but barely a week after doing that, I found myself fighting off raccoons for access to the best backyard sheds to sleep behind,” said a dirt-caked Hardin, who noted that his current daily routine of finding discarded items to hawk for small change and washing his bare feet in a drainage pipe—which supplanted his previous life of mindlessly charging all his purchases and speaking endlessly on his cell phone without any thought to the costs incurred—can be traced back to the exact moment less than two weeks earlier when he took sole control of his checking and savings accounts, student loans, and credit cards. “The second I moved everything over into my name, that was it: my bank balance dropped to zero, repo guys took all my furniture, and suddenly I started being threatened by some collection agency called ShadowCash. I’m really not sure what happened—all I know is that I’ve spent the past two nights curled up next to a large transformer box for warmth.” When pressed for further comment, the misty-eyed millennial urged his peers not to make the same tragic mistake he did.
NASA To Award Best Uses Of Martian Rock #~# NASA has announced an open call for civilians to submit their ideas on how to turn Mars’ abundance of basalt rock into building material, fuel, or other tools astronauts can use throughout their stay on the planet so as to lower the cost of launching supplies from Earth, a contest that will award $10,000 to the best proposal. What do you think?
How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System #~# With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:
Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State #~# WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state. “Be still; some vast legion is headed our way!” said local automotive worker Dustin Collins, 35, who, like thousands of Wheeling residents, heard the rhythmic, thunderous beating of the cavalcade’s 10-foot-wide drums and immediately rushed to a window to gaze upon the advancing ranks. “Behold the standard-bearers at the head of each column, and lo, make out the trumpets’ piercing tones. It can only be the great armies of Hillary emerging from her stronghold in the East!” At press time, a large shadow had been cast over the city after the campaign released thousands of shrieking falcons into the air.
NASA Hoping To Get In On Some Defense Funding With Plan For Torpedo-Equipped Orbital Telescope #~# WASHINGTON—Discussing plans for a new space-exploration project that it said could also potentially be the most advanced weapon system in the U.S. military’s arsenal, NASA confirmed Thursday it was trying to get in on some of the nation’s defense spending by designing a torpedo-equipped orbital telescope.
WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning #~# CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever. “I really don’t know what I’m going to do, because rent is due in two weeks and there’s no way I can cover her $700,” said Delle Donne, adding that, with her team commitments and offseason workout schedule, she barely has the time to interview anyone who may respond to the sublet listing she posted on Craigslist. “Not only am I out on her rent, but also her half of the internet and electricity bills. I might just have to move to a studio or someplace on the South Side, because there’s no way I’m asking my parents for money again.” At press time, a despondent Delle Donne was reportedly dragging a couple kitchen chairs into the living room to replace the futon that her roommate had taken with her.
Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day #~# MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day. “The second Eric showed up today, he sat right down at his desk, fired off a few quick emails, and then spent the next couple hours browsing Facebook—he’s really got the hang of this,” said coworker Janice Grant, who expressed a deep respect for how swiftly Myers learned the ins and outs of putting in an hour or two of minor effort, telling supervisors that he was going to need extra time to work on assignments, and then coasting through the rest of the workday. “It took me a few months before I had a firm grasp on cutting corners, blowing off tasks, and doing a half-assed job on stuff so I could just kick back most of the day. Eric’s a natural, though; he just has an innate knack for phoning it in.” At press time, several employees were reportedly shaking their heads in surprise and admiration after noticing their new coworker had taken an hour and a half for lunch.
Nation’s Financial Advisors Recommend Capturing Magical Creature That Grants Wishes #~# CHICAGO—Calling it the most reliable strategy for ensuring financial stability in the current economy, a report released Thursday by the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors recommends that middle-class Americans capture a magical creature with the power to grant wishes. “Taking into account the average American’s present level of savings as well as prevailing market conditions, there simply is no sounder choice individuals can make than venturing into a hidden glen or cavern, luring an enchanted creature from its dwelling, and then apprehending it and using its offered wishes to build a solid financial plan for the future,” said researcher Alison Knox, who explained that whether the wishes were acquired by sparing the life of a talking golden fish, rubbing an ancient Arabian lamp, or intoning the name of a woodland troll backwards to make him one’s captive, Americans would be wise to set aside one of their wishes for an ample 529 college savings plan for their children and use another wish on a well-funded retirement account. “Far beyond budgeting or managing a portfolio of stocks and bonds, tricking one of these mystical beings into becoming one’s wish-granting servant is the most prudent, and frankly for most Americans, the most practical way of securing long-term solvency and a comfortable standard of living.” Knox noted that many magical creatures charge modest fees for their services, such as one’s firstborn child or a pledge of one’s eternal servitude in the afterlife, but emphasized that a stable financial future was well worth the cost.
6,000 Inmates Granted Early Release #~# Between October 30 and November 2, the Federal Bureau of Prisons will release 6,000 nonviolent drug offenders as part of an effort to overhaul the overcrowded prison system and reform sentencing policies, with an additional 8,550 inmates eligible for release in the coming year. What do you think?
New Dietary Guidelines Met With Contention #~# The latest U.S. Dietary Guidelines have been released in a 570-page report recommending a diet high in fruits, vegetables, legumes, and seafood but low in red meat and sugars, suggestions that have angered various food lobbies who claim the guidelines are dictated by “outdated science.” What do you think?
Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy. Sources confirmed that as Pollen waved the balloon around, the restaurant’s patrons—enjoying their soups and sandwiches or silently working on their laptops—were unknowingly teetering on the very knife’s edge of madness, their path to either continued tranquility or utter chaos to be determined by the pressure applied to a length of string by a pudgy, saliva-soaked finger. According to reports, the individual diners, couples, and groups of friends seated within shrieking distance of Pollen’s table appeared oblivious to the complete breakdown of social order that would follow immediately if the easily excitable toddler were to become momentarily distracted and lose his already delicate grip on the brightly colored balloon. At press time, witnesses reported that complete pandemonium was a mere hair’s breadth from exploding across the restaurant as the toddler attempted to transfer the balloon from one poorly coordinated, potato-chip-grease-covered hand to the other.
Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex #~# BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.
Furious Rick Pitino Adamant Media Trying To Tarnish Name Of Great Escort Service #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Following the publication of a book alleging that a member of the school’s basketball department paid women to perform sex acts for recruits, furious University of Louisville head coach Rick Pitino told reporters Wednesday that the media was trying to tarnish the name of a great escort service. “No one, I repeat no one, in the Cardinals community has anything but good things to say about these ladies, and it’s absolutely shameful to see their names get dragged through the mud,” said an enraged Pitino, blasting news outlets for maliciously attacking the reputation of a highly regarded, hardworking escort service. “To say I’m disgusted and disappointed with the way the press has recklessly tried to cast aspersions on this escort service would be an understatement. Say what you will about me, I’m the coach of this team, but I won’t stand for the media smearing these women and the outstanding services they provide.” Pitino added that he was confident the university’s independent investigation would find grounds for legal action against members of the press for defamation of the escort service’s character. 
Chernobyl Site Now Safe Haven For Wildlife #~# Despite the 1986 Chernobyl disaster that displaced 120,000 people and rendered the surrounding area uninhabitable due to radiation, scientists have found that several mammal species within the exclusion zone are currently thriving, suggesting that wildlife was less harmed by this nuclear disaster than they are by everyday human encroachment. What do you think?
Report: 55% Of Nation’s Granite Now Engraved With Names Of Victims #~# BERKELEY, CA—Confirming that it is now by far the most common use for the material, a report published this week by researchers at the University of California, Berkeley revealed that 55 percent of the nation’s granite is now engraved with the names of victims. “We found that most of the granite within the United States has been carved and polished into memorials identifying the victims of a violent incident,” said lead researcher Tara Winfield, adding that, for the first time ever, more granite was used for structures honoring those killed in shootings, bombings, and other murderous acts than for the headstones of individuals who had died of natural causes. “In fact, when you also take into account the granite that is incorporated into a memorial’s surrounding statuary or reflecting pools, there’s very little left of the stone for municipal construction projects, paving, or kitchen fixtures.” Winfield warned that as the number of victims continued to increase, names of future victims would have to be engraved into subpar materials far less suited for preserving the memory of those who were lost.
Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason #~# ‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say
Nobel Peace Prize Candidates #~# There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
Woman Always Thought She Would Have More Impressive Showerhead By This Age #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Admitting it was pretty disappointing to still be using a standard, single-function water fixture every morning, local 28-year-old Kelsey Bishop told reporters Wednesday that she had always thought she’d have a far more impressive showerhead by this point in her life. “I figured that once I was out of college and working for a while, I’d be in a place where I’d have a showerhead with multiple spray settings and some kind of massage feature, not one of these fixed chrome ones,” said Bishop, adding that she had wholly expected to own a rainfall shower panel with a detachable handheld component by the time she was approaching her 30s. “It’s not like I pictured myself having multiple showerheads or wall-mounted body jets by this age. At the very least, though, I thought there would be a glass door that swings on a hinge instead of a gross plastic curtain. But life doesn’t always work out the way you want.” Bishop was reportedly still holding out hope that she would have a separate bathtub that was on the entirely opposite side of the bathroom from her shower before turning 40. 
Man Overjoyed He No Longer Has To Purchase Entire Day’s Worth Of Egg McMuffins In Morning #~# WAUKESHA, WI—Elated upon discovering the fast-food restaurant chain would now serve breakfast past 10:30 a.m., area man Dave Grenwald told reporters Tuesday that he was overjoyed he would no longer have to buy an entire day’s worth of Egg McMuffins from McDonald’s in the morning. “I used to have to get up early just so I could order eight or nine McMuffins all at once—I’d eat a couple right there, but then I’d have to lug around a half dozen others and microwave them throughout the afternoon,” said Grenwald, adding that his newfound ability to revisit McDonald’s for McMuffins over the course of an entire day would help ensure the sandwiches were consistently fresh and not soggy from sitting in his car for hours on end. “I sometimes thought it might be better if I just ate every one of my Egg McMuffins as soon as I got them because there was no way to space out my purchases, but now I don’t have to. I can buy, say, four or five, then stock up again with another batch or two when I’m ready for more. Man, this is really going to streamline things.” At press time, Grenwald acknowledged he would still have to purchase four or five McMuffins ahead of time to reheat and consume overnight.
American Apparel Files For Bankruptcy #~# Following a string of controversies including former CEO Dov Charney’s alleged sexual harassment of employees and the public’s negative reaction to ads that sexualized young women, clothing giant American Apparel has filed for bankruptcy but will continue to operate their stores and attempt to reduce their $135 million debt. What do you think?
You Take Away Guns, And Someone’s Just Gonna Invent, Manufacture, And Use A High-Powered Knife Launcher #~# Like everybody else, I was sickened by last week’s shooting in Oregon that killed nine people and wounded several more. At a time like this, it’s easy to blame guns for what happened and call for drastic measures in hopes of preventing this kind of violence from occurring again. But the reality is that no law can prevent a determined individual from taking human lives. Even if we banned guns entirely, the reality is that someone’s just going to invent, manufacture, and use a high-powered knife launcher to commit mass murder.
What Smoking A Cigarette Does To The Body #~# With the FDA recently pulling multiple cigarette brands off the market, the conversation surrounding the harmful effects of smoking has been returning in full force to the national stage. Here is what happens to your body as you smoke a cigarette:
Ride Tha Love Train #~# Many assume spring to be Smoove’s favorite season, the season when he feels most on his game. Others think it’s summer, when the women are at their finest, or winter, when the weather’s so cold you must hold your girl tight to stay warm. These people do not know Smoove or his thoughts on the seasons. For this love man, autumn is the best season. It is a time for steamy spiced wine, lounging on soft fur in front of a roaring fire, and pleasing that booty.
Top FIFA Sponsors Call For Blatter Resignation #~# Though FIFA president Sepp Blatter announced in May amid corruption charges that he will resign in February 2016, FIFA’s top sponsors—Coca-Cola, Budweiser, Visa, and McDonald’s—have released statements calling for his immediate resignation, though Blatter has refused to step down. What do you think?
Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father #~# HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.
New Anti-Drug Program Teaches Teens To Resist Psychiatrist’s Constant Pressure To Use Drugs #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—As part of an effort to provide young people with the tools necessary to make responsible decisions, a coalition of the nation’s leading anti-drug activists launched a new initiative Tuesday with the goal of teaching teenagers to resist pressure from psychiatrists to use drugs. “A lot of teens just don’t know how to say no when drugs are constantly pushed on them by mental health professionals, and we aim to remedy that,” campaign director Karen Thorpe said of the initiative, which will implement programs at high schools and middle schools nationwide in which 13-to-18-year-olds can discuss times they have felt coerced into trying controlled substances during therapy sessions, and will provide them with methods to avoid the influence and persuasive tactics of drug-pushing psychiatrists. “These kids see their friends and classmates using drugs in middle school, or even elementary school, and they start to think it’s normal. We have to break that cycle. These kids need to know that just because the person pressuring them to use drugs is older than they are and uses forceful language, that does not mean using drugs is a good idea.” While Thorpe said the program is a great start, she noted that the systemic problem couldn’t be fully addressed until the government shows the will to take on the handful of large, powerful groups that are behind the drugs’ production and distribution.
Pope Francis Clarifies That God Just One Of Many Immortal Beings Who Speak To Him Every Day #~# VATICAN CITY—Explaining how he rarely goes more than an hour or two without hearing from one of them or another, Pope Francis revealed to reporters Tuesday that God is just one of many immortal beings who speak to him on a daily basis. “God is always there to listen to my prayers and provide spiritual guidance, but on any given day, there are maybe 15 or 20 other undying entities from beyond our world—Anubis, Quetzalcoatl, Freyja, you name it—who get in touch with me,” said the bishop of Rome, adding that, over the course of a month, he communicates with hundreds of various deities, spirits, numina, naiads, dryads, and wraiths who come bearing some kind of important message or just check in to see how he’s doing. “Sure, in my day-to-day job I serve as an earthly liaison for the Lord Our God. But to be honest, I don’t talk to Him nearly as much as I do Hanuman or Nerrivik the Sea-Mother. Actually, I just finished up talking with Phobos and Deimos right before this—love those two.” The pontiff added that while he typically enjoys the company, he’s getting a little tired of having to listen to the endless whining of all the banshees who hang around him.
Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo #~# WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient. “Come, ye gentles, ye merchants, ye noble tradesmen of America—witness the riches of the East and rejoice!” said the president from the quarterdeck of his flagship, the Laissez-Faire, as he cracked open a chest of cherrywood to display to his cheering welcomers dazzling jade and delicate urns of porcelain procured from the very rim of the world. “I have made commerce with the Mandarins of Far Cathay, and the brahmins of Calcutta, and yea, even with the savages of Java. And they did return my gifts of metal and glassware with great stores of enchanting spices, teas of all scents, the finest opium, and a vast wonderment of small brass trinkets shaped by the cunning hands of Siam’s artificers. And best of all, before God and my fellow man do I declare that I have received promises and guarantees of safe trade and passage for our likes o’er the entire expanse of the great Eastern Ocean!” The president also confirmed that his largest vessel was packed brimful with the latest low-cost computer chips and imitation handbags.
Scientists Engineer $1,600 Designer ‘Micropigs’ #~# Scientists in Shenzhen who bred small pigs for disease testing are now preparing to sell the designer “micropigs” to consumers for $1,600 each, explaining that the animals will only grow to 30 pounds and that no adverse effects have been detected in this gene-editing process. What do you think?
NFL Week Four Winners & Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the fourth week of the 2015 NFL season:
Girl Finally Speaking Up Enough For People To Critique Her Speaking Voice #~# TOPEKA, KS—Having finally built up the courage to raise her hand and voice her opinions in front of her peers and teachers, local 15-year-old Olivia Kushnick is reportedly now talking enough in class for others to begin criticizing her speaking voice, sources confirmed Monday. “She used to rarely say anything, but in the past couple weeks she’s grown confident enough to answer questions out loud, opening herself up to endless ridicule of her high-pitched, kind of childish-sounding voice,” said English teacher Pat Reese, noting that the ninth-grader’s slower-than-average delivery and tendency to trail off at the end of long sentences have been regularly mocked and derided by her classmates, as well as several of her teachers, since she began showing a willingness to participate in group discussions. “She often speaks with an inflection that makes it hard to tell if she’s making a statement or asking a question, which I frustratedly point out to her every time I hear it. Plus, she has kind of a nasally voice, which she really never hears the end of from the rest of the class.” When reached for comment, Kushnick told reporters she was considering going back to her old habit of stoically saying nothing throughout the school day when she was simply judged by others to be a stuck-up bitch.
‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails #~# PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.
Jerry West Reveals He Is Also Inspiration For MLB Logo #~# LOS ANGELES—Admitting that his iconic physical form had an influence far beyond the NBA, former Lakers guard Jerry West revealed to reporters Thursday that he is also the inspiration for the Major League Baseball logo. “People think my nickname is ‘The Logo’ just because of the NBA, but the silhouette in the MLB logo is actually based on my batting stance,” said West, noting that graphic designer Jerry Dior created the MLB logo after once seeing the NBA Hall of Famer play baseball in 1968, with his body posture since becoming a classic symbol of the sport around the world. “If you ever watch the PGA Tour, that’s my golf swing in their logo, and the ATP used an old photo of me during a weekend tennis match to make their logo as well. The NFL logo isn’t based on me, but it is based on an old decorative shield I used to have hanging in my house.” West added that of all the logos that use his likeness, the one he feels most captures his essence as an athlete is that of the X Games.
Kerry Downs Another Vodka Shot As The Last Of Putin’s Security Detail Passes Out #~# NOVOSINKOVO, RUSSIA—Staring directly into the drooping eyes of the woozy, flushed henchman sitting across from him in the back room of a dimly lit tavern, Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly downed another vodka shot Sunday night as the last of Russian president Vladimir Putin’s security detail passed out beside him. “Nostrovia!” said Kerry as he slammed down the upturned shot glass next to dozens of others atop the warped wooden table before watching his 300-pound opponent, whose hand reportedly shook as he struggled to slowly raise his own glass of vodka to his lips, suddenly sway side to side and then slump forward in defeat. “Thanks for the nightcap, boys.” Sources confirmed that, before exiting the tavern, Secretary Kerry retrieved a few coins from the vest pocket of the unconscious man to leave as a tip for the barmaid.
Mealworms Can Break Down Styrofoam Waste #~# Scientists have found that the gut of the common mealworm contains a bacteria that can convert non-biodegradable Styrofoam into organic waste, a potentially crucial breakthrough in combating growing landfills and pollution worldwide. What do you think?
Quarterback Better Snap The Ball, Reports Man Nervously Eyeing Play Clock #~# Go, Now
World Could Face 2016 Coffee Shortage #~# Due to a combination of rising demand for the beverage among developed countries and the negative impact drought has had on growing coffee beans in Brazil, experts warn that a global coffee shortage is a distinct possibility heading into 2016. What do you think?
Report: Increase In Gun Sales To Be Most Concrete Result Of Obama’s Pro-Gun-Control Speech #~# WASHINGTON—Researchers at the Urban Institute published a study Friday confirming that a sharp increase in gun sales nationwide would be the most concrete result of the impassioned pro-gun-control speech that President Obama delivered following yesterday’s mass shooting in Oregon. “According to our analysis, by far the most tangible impact of the president emotionally urging the nation to consider how their votes can prevent mass shootings like this will be a 17 percent spike in revenue for firearm vendors across the U.S.,” said report co-author Kyle Bieler, who found a direct link between the estimated $58 million uptick in gun sales over the next month and Obama’s use of the phrases “common-sense legislation,” “only advanced country,” and “not enough.” “The portion of the president’s remarks in which he asked for support from state legislatures and governors will, based on our projections, nearly double the number of sidearm purchases this year. Beyond that, the only other material change that is likely to result from Obama calling on elected officials and everyday citizens to work together to reduce gun violence will be the purchase of roughly 100 million rounds of ammunition.” Bieler noted that the president’s support for responsible gun ownership will likely have no impact on sales, as Americans would have likely already walked out of their front door, started their car, and driven to their nearest gun store long before that point in the speech.
Man Can’t Believe Obama Would Use Tragedy To Push Anti-Tragedy Agenda #~# SEDALIA, MO—Following yesterday’s speech by the president addressing the recent events in Roseburg, OR, local 42-year-old Tim Moss expressed his outrage to reporters that President Obama was attempting to capitalize off a tragedy to push his anti-tragedy agenda. “It’s just disgusting and shameful that, once again, the first thing out of Obama’s mouth after a tragedy is that he wants to limit tragedies,” said Moss, adding that it is both insensitive and opportunistic of the president to suddenly shift the conversation toward curbing the number of tragedies as the nation mourns in the wake of this tragedy. “Every single time this happens, he makes the tragedy all about clamping down on tragedies, and it’s simply not the time or the place for him to be going in front of the camera and pushing for steps to decrease the number of tragedies. Christ, this is a national tragedy we’re dealing with right now.” Moss added that he hopes Obama conducts himself more appropriately during the next tragedy.
Baltimore Preparing For Hurricane Joaquin By Adding Second Layer Of Plywood To Shuttered Small Businesses #~# BALTIMORE—Warning that the storm could batter the East Coast with 80-mile-per-hour winds and heavy rain, Baltimore officials confirmed Friday that residents were preparing for Hurricane Joaquin by adding a second layer of plywood to the city’s shuttered small businesses. “A tropical storm as severe as this can cause considerable damage, so we’re urging residents to take precautionary measures by covering boarded-up windows and doors of vacant storefronts with an additional protective layer of plywood or plastic sheeting,” said city spokesman Jim D’Amico, adding that extra tarps should also be placed over the ones already covering any furniture or other large items that went unclaimed by creditors. “Emergency crews are working around the clock to provide further flood protection by adding sandbags to the mounds of debris and garbage that were already piled up outside these failed businesses. And, thankfully, most of these buildings had their utility services cut off months or years ago, so we’re way ahead of the game there.” D’Amico told reporters that the city’s evacuation efforts had been greatly aided by the fact that most of the population had long since fled from high-storm-risk areas due to urban blight.
National Weather Service: ‘Don’t Go Surfing Unless You Can Really Shred That Shit’ #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that Hurricane Joaquin was expected to produce powerful winds, violent swells, and dangerous rip currents, the National Weather Service strongly advised Americans today not to go surfing unless they could really shred that shit. “As Joaquin gains strength and begins to approach the Eastern Seaboard, we would like to remind the public that they should not attempt to enter the surf if they are unprepared to carve up these bitchin’ tubes,” said NWS director Louis Uccellini, sternly warning that those not aggro enough to charge these gnar gnar waves are going to be getting seriously cranked all day. “All of our predictive models and real-time data suggest that the waves produced by this system will be beyond mondo, and we cannot stress enough that you should remain out of the water if you’re a weak little kook or chrubee. This is an extremely dangerous Category 4 storm; if you’re going to ride, you’d better be able to go balls-fucking-out.” The NWS director confirmed that inexperienced boarders who try to ride the barrel put themselves and emergency responders at risk of ending up at the hack shack.
Roger Goodell Unveils Plans For NFL Game In Earth’s Core #~# NEW YORK—Saying that it is the perfect way to further increase the sport’s popularity, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday that the league will soon begin holding a regular-season game deep within the Earth’s inner core. “This game represents an opportunity to bring the great sport of football over 3,000 miles below Earth’s crust,” said Goodell, adding that the primetime event in the planet’s 10,800-degree, nickel-iron core will be scheduled as a regular-season matchup between two non-divisional opponents. “The league still has so much growth potential throughout the various interior layers of Earth, and a thrilling spectacle of world-class football will only continue to strengthen the NFL brand. And based on the research and various seismological studies that we’ve conducted over the past several years, we’re incredibly confident that the inner-core games will be a huge success.” At press time, sources confirmed that advance tickets for the forthcoming subterranean event have already sold out.
Bernie Sanders Fundraising On Pace With Clinton’s #~# Though Hillary Clinton’s campaign has set fundraising records, new data shows that Bernie Sanders is narrowing the gap between them, with his $26 million in the third quarter nearly matching her $28 million, a success rate attributable in part to accelerated small donations from independent supporters. What do you think?
Federal Government Adds 600,000 Acres To National Forbidden Zone #~# WASHINGTON—Saying their decision was made in the best interests of the American public, officials from the Department of Interior announced Friday that they have added 600,000 acres to the National Forbidden Zone. “Following extensive surveying, several impact studies, and multiple rounds of public hearings, we determined that these additional lands should be set aside for future generations of Americans to avoid at all costs,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell said of the increase in designated federal darklands, the largest expansion in 20 years to the region first established by the Verboten Territory Act of 1923. “This move will nearly double the amount of public space where pall and shadow reign. Once these new off-limits lands are officially incorporated at the beginning of next year, no citizen shall be permitted to enter, lest they wish to never return.” Secretary Jewell then expressed her hope for an increase in her department’s budget next year, saying the added land would require additional fencing, barricades, and a staff of soothsayers to ward off any potential visitors.
New App Aims To Be The ‘Yelp Of People’ #~# A forthcoming app called Peeple will let users post public reviews of their friends, neighbors, coworkers, and romantic partners without the permission of the person being evaluated, though the app will hold reviewers accountable by requiring them to post under their real names. What do you think?
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# ROSEBURG, OR—In the hours following a violent rampage in southwestern Oregon in which a lone attacker killed nine individuals and seriously injured seven others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Ohio resident Lindsay Bennett, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this guy from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what he really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past six years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Report: Peyton Manning Lacks Strength To Complete Longer Commercial Takes #~# DENVER—Noting that physical limitations were hindering the 39-year-old’s performance, league sources confirmed Thursday that Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning lacks the strength to complete longer commercial takes. “Peyton’s preparation and ability to process information are second to none, but when you watch him struggling to complete longer scenes, it’s obvious that time is finally catching up to one of the all-time commercial greats,” said NFL media analyst Albert Breer, adding that it was hard to watch Manning rely on short, quick takes just to get through a single page of dialogue. “Unfortunately, this late in his career, Peyton’s lack of mobility has become much more apparent, and his range is fairly limited as the shoot wears on. It’s never been his strong suit, but now when Manning is forced to improvise his accuracy is just way off.” At press time, NFL analysts told reporters that Manning would probably never make it back to another Super Bowl commercial. 
Archaeologists Reconstruct Snyder’s Of Hanover Pretzel From Pieces Discovered In Des Moines–Area Stop ’N Go #~# DES MOINES, IA—Heralding the discovery as the most complete specimen of its kind, a team of archaeologists from the University of Iowa announced Thursday that they had managed to reconstruct more than 75 percent of a Snyder’s of Hanover pretzel from fragments found at a Des Moines–area Stop ’N Go.
Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence #~# CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence. “Jesus Christ, I thought this was going to stay between me and him, but then I turn on the evening news and hear him mentioning every little detail of my life,” said a deeply hurt and outraged Kilpatrick after the candidate cited her crippling mortgage debt during a speech on the economy, adding that she never would have told Rubio she’d been relying on food stamps if she knew he was going to turn right around and disclose it to thousands of political supporters. “Seriously, what the hell? My whole family is going to hear about this. I don’t want my 12-year-old son worrying about how I lie awake wondering if I’m going to be able to pay for his clothes, let alone his college education, just because this guy can’t keep his mouth shut. Unbelievable.” Kilpatrick added that she now knows to simply tell presidential candidates she is doing just fine and that she has no trouble providing nightly meals and necessary medications to her family members the next time one of them asks.
Whole Foods Lays Off 1,500 Employees #~# In an effort to reduce overhead, respond to competition, and lower prices, Whole Foods has announced they will lay off 1,500 workers and find other ways to cut costs, such as transitioning to a more self-service model and launching a new economy chain of stores called 365. What do you think?
Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’ #~# IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.” “At Taco Bell, we understand that you might want to keep your meal purchases hidden from your spouse, friends, or anyone who might catch sight of your financial documents, and our objective is to protect our customers’ privacy by ensuring that the name Taco Bell appears nowhere on any bank website or official paperwork,” said company spokesman Adam Webb, touting the new measure as a convenient alternative for its customers who have long had to pay for their Taco Bell items in cash to avoid the embarrassing possibility of being found out by a financial paper trail. “Taco Bell patrons should feel free to indulge without worry or shame, as our receipts will now exclusively feature the name TBfoodsLLC as well, and all menu items, such as our Chipotle DareDevil Loaded Griller and Nachos BellGrande, will be rung up using far more discreet terms, in this case ‘turkey sandwich’ and ‘chips.’” Webb added that the company will also be packaging all to-go orders in plain, logo-free brown paper bags that have been specially lined to limit the release of any aromas.
NRA Visits Colorado Police Evidence Room To Check Up On Rifle Used In Planned Parenthood Shooting #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—After learning that the gun had been involved in a violent attack that left three dead, National Rifle Association representatives reportedly visited the Colorado Springs Police Department evidence room Monday to check up on the semi-automatic rifle used in Friday’s Planned Parenthood shooting. “It’s a little shaken up, but it should be okay—thank God,” said NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre, who appeared visibly distressed while kneeling down next to the assault-style rifle and gently placing his hand on the stock. “I’ve just been worried sick since I heard about the incident. It looks like it was dropped pretty hard, and it’s barely got any bullets left, but at least it’s resting safely now. I might just sleep here tonight to keep an eye on it.” LaPierre told reporters that he would do everything he could to help the rifle return home and get back working again soon.
Frustrated Gunman Can’t Believe How Far He Has To Drive To Find Nearest Planned Parenthood Clinic #~# AMARILLO, TX—Expressing frustration with the lack of convenient locations in his area, deranged gunman and anti-abortion fanatic Jared Broussard reported Monday that he could not believe how far he would have to drive to find the nearest Planned Parenthood clinic. “You have to be kidding me; I figured I’d need to go 10, maybe 15 miles, tops, but the closest one is almost 250 miles away,” said a visibly exasperated Broussard, adding that he would have to scrap his plans for the entire day and leave right now if he wanted to reach the health care provider before it closed this evening. “God, the nearest one isn’t even in this state. It’s actually faster for me to drive across the border to Santa Fe, and even then it’s still a four-hour trip. That barely leaves me enough time to buy ammo.” Broussard added that, given the length of the drive, he was thankful that he would likely not have to make a round trip.
Sugar-Free Drinks Might Cause Dental Issues #~# A new study suggests that the chemical acids in sugar-free drinks like diet soda can cause measurable harm to tooth enamel, an erosion that is just as damaging as the tooth decay caused by regular soda. What do you think?
Sweating, Trembling Mom Still Coming Down From High Of Having Kids Under One Roof #~# DENVER—Breathing heavily and leaning against the wall for support as beads of sweat formed on her forehead, local mother Cynthia Applin struggled to lower her heart rate Monday as she came down from the high of having all three of her adult children under the same roof, sources reported. “Oh, my God, the three of them were just here, talking and sharing family meals together—that was so intense,” the tremoring 55-year-old said, reeling from a spell of dizziness as she described the euphoria of seeing her 27-year-old son, 24-year-old daughter, and college-age son all seated next to one another at the dinner table. “I was buzzed out of my mind when they all arrived a few days ago, but when I realized they were each sleeping in their childhood bedrooms right down the hall from me, it felt like I was flying straight upward and my heart was ready to burst—I could barely even handle it. God, what a fucking rush.” At press time, sources reported that Applin had decided to chase another high by looking at some old photos of her children in their Easter clothes.
Middle-Aged Woman So Tired Of Going Back And Forth Between Divorced Parents’ Nursing Homes #~# LANSING, MI—Saying the extra travel made the get-togethers that much more stressful, local woman Laura Holmes, 51, told reporters Monday she was fed up with having to go back and forth between her divorced parents’ nursing homes during the holidays. “It’s just such a hassle to drive all the way down to Dad’s nursing home on Thanksgiving morning, then have to head halfway across the state to Mom’s assisted-living place just a few hours later,” said Holmes, who added that she probably spent more time in the car last Thursday than she did sitting down and eating individually packaged turkey meals with her parents in their respective cafeterias. “I showed up at Dad’s, said a quick hello to the other residents at the Thanksgiving party in their activity room, and maybe talked with him for a half hour about his knees and his kidney issues before I had to leave. Then I hopped back in the car and drove two and a half hours north to do the same exact thing with Mom—it’s too much. I brought up the idea of spending Thanksgiving at just one of their nursing homes next year, but their aides told me how much it meant to both of them that I came, so I decided to drop it. God, I can’t believe I have to do this all over again in a month.” Holmes said she was extremely jealous of her friends whose parents had never divorced and only had to visit one nursing home or cemetery plot during the holidays.
What To Do With Your Old Computer #~# Brought to you by Intel
Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football #~# DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there. “How are you going to penalize a guy for a clean play like that?” said the visibly irked 53-year-old, adding that the officials are ruining the game by making a big deal out of every little push and shove they see. “If you can’t take a hit, then you shouldn’t be on the field. This isn’t soccer—these guys need to drop the whistle for two seconds and let them play the damn game.” Harper was reportedly later overheard yelling that a player undergoing the league’s mandatory concussion protocol needs to “just walk it off and get back out there.”
America Celebrates Thanksgiving #~# All across the nation, families and loved ones are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for this year?
Police Took More From Citizens Than Burglars In 2014 #~# Economist Martin Armstrong notes that $4.5 billion in personal property was seized by police in 2014 via civil forfeiture, the process by which a criminal suspect surrenders goods possibly connected to that crime, figures that well surpass the $3.5 billion in property stolen by burglars last year. What do you think?
Parents Officially Designate Upstairs Television For Anyone Who Doesn’t Want To Watch Thanksgiving Football #~# GREENVILLE, NC—Aiming to accommodate family members’ preferences and avoid any frustration, local parents Melissa and Ron Walters officially designated the upstairs television for anybody who did not want to watch the Thanksgiving football games on Thursday, sources reported. “You can use the TV in the guest room if you don’t want to watch football,” said Melissa Walters, allocating the nearly 20-year-old television as a secondary viewing option for those relatives, such as her nieces and Aunt Shelly, who had expressed irritation in the past at the television being tuned to the NFL games for the entire afternoon. “That TV doesn’t get the good cable, but I bet you could find the parade if you want to watch that. Or you could always pop in a DVD—there are some good ones in the cabinet up there.” Walters then reportedly commissioned her 13-year-old son, Noah, to run upstairs and get the DVD player working for everyone.
Tips For Buying A New Computer #~# Brought to you by Intel
Report: Majority Of Nation’s Civic Engagement Centered Around Oppressing Other People #~# WASHINGTON—Providing insight into how American citizens participate in the political process, a report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center revealed that the vast majority of civic engagement in the U.S. centers around oppressing other people. “We found that Americans are fairly active in making their voices heard and engaging in the public sphere, typically in an effort to restrict the rights of those who look or behave differently from them,” said lead researcher Dana McNeil, who added that well over two-thirds of the nation’s rallies, petitions, and letter-writing campaigns were aimed at making life worse for a portion of the population of which the participants were not a part. “Taking away the rights of other people was by far the most common subject of calls placed to congressional representatives, as well as the single greatest factor in predicting voter turnout. Indeed, when Americans join a citizens group or volunteer their time for a cause, more often than not, it’s to shout angrily at a specific group of people and call for their persecution.” McNeil added that, at the very least, it was encouraging to see so many Americans using the democratic process to make lasting change.
New York Launches Terrorism Prevention App #~# The state of New York has unveiled See Something, Send Something, a free mobile app through which users can send photographs or tips of suspicious activity directly to New York law enforcement, which will then send the information to the proper agency for review. What do you think?
Bigot Annoyed Local Mosque Already Vandalized Before He Got There #~# JEFFERSONTOWN, KY—Expressing frustration at not having left the house sooner, local bigot Doug Weber, 43, was reportedly annoyed late Monday night after discovering that the mosque he intended to deface had been vandalized before he got there. “Shit, somebody beat me to it,” said Weber, clenching his jaw and shaking his head as he scrutinized the graffiti-covered walls of the Muslim place of worship. “Ugh, I can’t fucking believe this. I drove all the way across town and there isn’t even a single window left to smash. I went and got all this goddamn spray paint, too. Now what am I supposed to do with it?” At press time, Weber decided to just spray-paint a Muslim slur on top of the other graffiti.
Ashamed Sports Journalists Admit They’ve Learned Nothing From Week 11 Of NFL Season #~# NEW YORK—At a loss as to how they could emerge from a weekend of regular-season football without any fresh insight whatsoever, ashamed and humbled members of the sports media admitted to the public Tuesday that they learned absolutely nothing from week 11 of the NFL season. “It is with heavy hearts that we announce today that, despite watching the full slate of games on Sunday and Monday, we were unable to draw a single new conclusion about any player, coach, team, or division in the NFL,” said Sports Illustrated columnist Peter King, speaking on behalf of John Clayton, Mike Florio, Jay Glazer, Chris Mortensen, and all other sportswriters across the country. “We realize that millions of fans count on us every week to tell you how the playoff picture has changed, which quarterbacks should be benched, which teams are poised to make a deep postseason run, and which coaches could be on the hot seat. But we failed you. Not only did we let all of you down, but we let ourselves down as well. All we can do is ask for your forgiveness and do absolutely everything in our power to ensure that something like this never happens again. This is not who we are.” King then pleaded with NFL fans to have patience until next Sunday and simply re-read any articles about the major takeaways from week 10 in the meantime.
NIH Retiring All Research Chimps #~# Due to continued public outcry and the dwindling need to conduct research on primates, the National Institutes of Health announced they will retire all 50 of their remaining research chimpanzees, who will be relocated to various sanctuaries nationwide. What do you think?
Family Worried Where Grandma Going With Conversation On Low-Income Housing #~# UTICA, NY—Shooting anxious glances at each other across the dinner table upon the introduction of the unexpected topic, relatives of Mary Turner, 76, expressed concern to reporters Tuesday over where their grandmother is going with her discussion of low-income housing. “As soon as she started talking about the public housing units out by the interstate, I knew we were headed for trouble—this could go bad in any number of ways,” said Turner’s daughter Catherine, noting how wide-eyed family members were silently looking for someone among them to step up and try steering the conversation away from Turner’s ongoing comments about how poorly the lawns seemed to be maintained in front of the government-subsidized apartments. “Oh, boy, she just angrily mentioned her tax dollars. We really need to jump in and nip this thing in the bud before she reaches whatever conclusion she has in mind. Whatever it is, I know I don’t want the kids to hear it.” At press time, Turner’s family was bracing for the even more unpleasant line of discourse about how nobody listens to her anymore.
Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients #~# ‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces
How To Avoid Distraction While Working Online #~# Brought to you by Intel
WHO Criticized For Slow Response To Ebola Outbreak #~# A Harvard-led panel of medical experts analyzing the World Health Organization’s response to the Ebola crisis concluded the WHO was too slow in declaring a public health emergency, findings they presented alongside 10 recommendations for proper handling of such outbreaks in the future. What do you think?
How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S. #~# The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America:
Texas Votes Against Experts Fact-Checking Textbooks #~# The Texas school board has voted against allowing academic experts to fact-check their textbooks, instead instituting a rule that any textbook review panels must be composed of a majority of people with “sufficient content expertise and experience” to audit the materials. What do you think?
Nation Demands More Movies Where Guy Reveals He Was Wearing Bulletproof Vest #~# LOS ANGELES—Concerned moviegoing citizens across the nation issued an urgent appeal to Hollywood studios this week to make more films in which a guy is shot multiple times in the chest and then, later on, is revealed to have been wearing a bulletproof vest the whole time. “There need to be a lot more movies where the main guy gets shot a bunch and we think he’s dead, but after a little while he gets back up because he’s actually still alive,” said Little Rock, AR resident Sarah Greene, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans as she further stipulated that the individual must at some point rip open his shirt to show the audience the vest and the flattened bullets embedded within it. “And the movies better show somebody holding the guy’s head in their lap and crying because they think he’s been killed. Or they should have a part where, after the guy’s been shot, he lifts his gun up out of nowhere and shoots the guy who shot him—right before that guy is about to shoot someone else.” The nation’s movie viewers also demanded more ending scenes in which the action subsides for a moment before a good guy shoots a bad guy we thought was already dead even though he really wasn’t.
Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline #~# VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives. “Since Aunt Laurie passed, news about how Stephanie’s new boyfriend can’t hold down a job and updates on Uncle Jeff’s gambling habit have slowed to a trickle,” said Shelton’s niece Arielle, mourning the loss of a woman who for years had reportedly ensured a steady stream of the juiciest tidbits about relatives’ layoffs, unplanned pregnancies, personal bankruptcies, and misdemeanor shoplifting charges. “All the best gossip flowed through her, and now she’s gone. For all I know, the twins in North Carolina could have been caught smoking pot, Grandma could be back together with Leon, and Uncle Mike could be considering a vasectomy. It’s a devastating loss for the whole family.” Several in the family expressed hope that, for the time being, a sufficient supply of idle chatter could be rerouted through Cousin Staci to meet their immediate needs.
Bartender Going To Pretend That Last Drink Was Supposed To Be Served On Fire #~# OAK PARK, IL—Swiftly regaining his composure after initially jumping at the sight of flames erupting from the cocktail glass, local bartender Nick Brower confirmed Thursday that he was just going to pretend he had every intention of serving that last drink on fire. “Here you go, one liqueur flambé—careful, it might still be hot,” said a quick-thinking Brower, forcing a smile across his face as he garnished the top of the smoldering beverage with a dash of cinnamon before discreetly slipping back to the sink to soak his scorched bar rag and brush the remaining embers from the front of his shirt. “It’s running as a special tonight. That’ll be nine dollars.” Brower later revealed to reporters that, while he had no clue how to replicate the combustible drink, he had every intention of charging customers double for it should one spontaneously ignite again.
Adele Blocks New Album From Streaming #~# Though her new album 25 is on track to shatter sales records nationwide, digital streaming services like Spotify and Apple Music will not have access to Adele’s latest release, a marketing decision that Adele herself was reportedly instrumental in making. What do you think?
Poll Finds 23% Of Americans Would Vote For Jeb Bush If Candidate Standing Right Next To Them In Voting Booth #~# WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Center, 23 percent of Americans would vote for Jeb Bush in the presidential election if the Republican candidate was standing directly beside them in the voting booth. “We surveyed over a thousand likely voters and found that nearly a quarter were inclined to cast a ballot for Jeb Bush in 2016, provided the candidate was in the same cramped booth silently watching them,” said Pew spokesman Michael Barker, who noted that an additional 12 percent of respondents described themselves as “likely” Bush voters should the former Florida governor be waiting for them when they parted the booth’s curtains and then proceed to stand close enough behind them that they could feel his warm breath on their neck as they voted. “It has to be encouraging for the Bush campaign that almost four in 10 Americans would choose Jeb for president if he simply stood there occasionally clearing his throat, making eye contact, or repeatedly whimpering ‘please’ within the close confines of a balloting booth.” The poll also showed that the remaining 60 percent of U.S. voters would support Jeb Bush in the general election in the event he physically grabbed their hand and forcibly marked the ballot.
Retailers Recycling Black Friday Deals #~# A financial blog analyzed this year’s Black Friday sales and found that 11 percent of the deals at major U.S. retailers are identical to last year’s offerings, with items listed at the same price and discounted at the same rate as in 2014. What do you think?
Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue. “From what we’ve been able to determine, the individual at the controls had been at it for more than nine hours without a break, and tragically, he attempted to take a sharp turn at speeds of up to three miles per hour,” said lead investigator Kellen Montgomery, adding that even with the conductor’s decades of experience, his cumulative exhaustion after several long days in a row of driving trains had put immense strain on his hand-eye coordination. “By the time he noticed his mistake and tried to brake by grabbing the caboose, it was already too late. We’re lucky this didn’t happen as the train passed by the saloon or general store in the town square, or else we would be dealing with an even worse disaster right now.” Montgomery confirmed that the crash was the rail line’s worst disaster since the same conductor plowed through a barrier and took out an entire marching band in 2011, an incident in which alcohol was suspected to have played a role.
Brad Pitt Scampers Away From Script After Detecting Musk Of Chris Pine On Pages #~# LOS ANGELES—Hollywood leading man Brad Pitt hissed and skittered away into the safety of the woods surrounding his house Friday after reading a screenplay from his agent and detecting the musk of fellow actor Chris Pine on its pages, numerous sources reported. Witnesses confirmed that upon receiving the 158-page draft of a Civil War drama during a meeting at his home, Pitt began furiously sniffing up and down the binding and back cover in search of any scent markings, eventually detecting Pine’s pheromones while flipping through the second scene. After his eyes widened and his ears pricked back, the 51-year-old actor reportedly bolted away from the script, exiting through a back door at full speed and disappearing into the underbrush. Those present said that after an exhaustive search, an assistant with a flashlight found the whimpering Golden Globe winner hiding under a neighbor’s porch, covered in dirt and shrinking back from anyone who attempted to approach him. At press time, Pitt’s agent was seen frantically attempting to coax the actor out with an option contract for a Chuck Palahniuk novel, only to be urinated on in response.
Strategies To Defeat ISIS #~# Here are some strategies to defeat the Islamic State:
Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him. “For the love of God, someone—anyone—please, just tackle him,” said Kern, pleading for some kind of divine intervention to stop the oncoming runner as he began weaving in and out of defenders and making his way up the sideline. “Christ, why didn’t I just kick it out of bounds? Maybe if I start running over in that direction, someone will just block me. Fuck, Marqueston [Huff] just missed a tackle on him. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” At press time, Kern’s mind went blank and a sudden wave of adrenaline rushed through his body as he lowered his head and delivered a fierce hit that knocked Greene out of bounds at the 15-yard line.
STDs On The Rise Nationwide #~# The CDC reports that cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis are all steeply on the rise after a decade of steady decline, though they caution that the higher numbers could merely indicate the public’s improved reporting of STDs. What do you think?
Astronomers Discover Previously Unknown Cluster Of Nothingness In Deep Space #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the finding would further scientists’ understanding of the most remote parts of the universe, NASA astronomers announced at a press conference Thursday that they had discovered a previously unknown cluster of nothingness in deep space. “Through the use of high-resolution infrared imaging, we have identified a large grouping of total emptiness roughly 8.5 billion light-years away that had heretofore gone undetected,” said NASA lead researcher Edward Hefter, adding that the newly discovered blank expanse, which is located between two immense regions of nothing, was far larger and more insignificant in scope than first thought. “We are continuing to investigate the age and origin of the emptiness, but it will be a slow process given that there is absolutely nothing in the cluster to study. However, initial data indicate that the space likely formed when a smaller void merged with a larger vacuum.” Hefter added that the distant cluster of nothingness strongly resembles 481 million similar such regions discovered in recent decades.
Nation Satisfied As Selena Gomez Completes Transition Into Sexualized Plaything #~# ‘Good—It Is Done,’ Say Americans
Barbie Ad Features Boy For First Time #~# In what is a first for Mattel, the latest Barbie commercial features a young boy playing with the doll, a decision that many have praised for its departure from the toy industry’s traditional gender roles. What do you think?
Convention-Goer Removes Name Tag, Vanishes Back Into World Of Anonymous Hilton Orlando Guests #~# ORLANDO, FL—Leaving no trace of his attendance at the industry conference, American Academy of Periodontology Annual Convention attendee Bill Hancock reportedly removed his name tag Thursday and instantly vanished back into the world of anonymous Hilton Orlando guests. Hancock, who only moments prior had been representing his Kenosha, WI–based oral and maxillofacial surgery group at a session titled “Enhancing Results With Periodontal-Orthodontic Therapy,” was said to be last seen headed toward the hotel’s lobby bar, at which point he peeled the adhesive sticker from his shirt pocket and dissolved into the faceless masses of business travelers and vacationing families. Reports indicate that numerous convention attendees were left wondering where Hancock could have gone, questioning whether he was still in the vicinity of the Orange Ballroom or if he had merely been an apparition conjured by their minds over the past four days of speaker luncheons and clinical technique showcases. Sources went on to confirm that the only evidence Hancock ever existed at all was a business card discovered in the convention’s raffle jar for a free lunch at Spencer’s For Steaks & Chops restaurant.
The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping #~# The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child:
NASA Gives Robots To Universities To Aid Mars Mission #~# Research teams at MIT and Northeastern University have been given a prototype of NASA’s Valkyrie humanoid robot, a machine designed to withstand the harsh conditions of space, to test how it might best be used in an upcoming mission to Mars. What do you think?
Tips For Jury Duty #~# Being summoned to serve on a jury is every American’s opportunity to participate in the judicial process and perform a civic duty for their community, but it can be a time-consuming and complicated process. Here are The Onion’s tips for serving jury duty:
Experts Warn Number Of Retirees Will Completely Overwhelm Scenic Railway Industry By 2030 #~# NORTH CONWAY, NH—Warning that the nation’s supply of restored antique locomotives and passenger cars will not be able to meet the demands of an aging population, experts confirmed this week that the growing number of retirees will completely overwhelm the scenic railway industry by 2030. “There are only so many 4-mile round-trip rail excursions that wind through picturesque mountain vistas, river valleys, or autumn foliage, and we need to prepare ourselves for what happens when we are no longer able to provide our seniors with the authentic, old-fashioned railroading experiences they require,” said analyst Dale Havermeyer, who estimates that by decade’s end, approximately one-third of the nation’s aging baby boomers will no longer be able to secure a ride in a vintage steam train across a series of wooden trestle bridges while enjoying a complimentary soft drink or cheese and crackers. “At this point, even if we could convince 50 percent of those turning 65 to adopt a more sustainable RV-based sightseeing alternative, we’d still be in trouble.” Havermeyer added that experts are also concerned about the number of knee-replacement surgeries that will be necessary in the coming years to prop up the ailing ballroom dance industry.
Economists Recommend Setting Aside Part Of Every Paycheck In Case Of Dire Straits Reunion Tour #~# WASHINGTON—Describing the precaution as a financially prudent decision for all households, a panel of the nation’s top economists recommended Wednesday that Americans set aside money from each paycheck so they will be ready in the event Dire Straits reunites for a tour. “We suggest placing a small percentage of your earnings into a separate account to ensure you have adequate savings should Dire Straits unexpectedly announce a string of North American concert dates to promote a new greatest-hits double album,” said Princeton University economics professor Julia Bridges, adding that at any moment, an unforeseen reconciliation between singer-guitarist Mark Knopfler and bassist John Illsley could precipitate a reunion that would leave millions scrambling to cover the cost of presale tickets. “While this year saw the 30th anniversary of Brothers In Arms pass by uneventfully, that still doesn’t rule out the possibility of the band’s first tour since 1992 suddenly hitting arenas in major cities across the United States. Sadly, many Americans would struggle to afford decent seats if Dire Straits played a show in their town today, let alone purchase basic merchandise such as commemorative reunion hats and T-shirts. This would leave them at risk of missing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience the classic ‘Sultans Of Swing’ guitar solo up close and in person.” Bridges advised that, at the very least, Americans keep a small pool of emergency reserves on hand should Cheap Trick or REO Speedwagon come to their local fairgrounds.
Urban Outfitters Buys Italian Restaurant Group #~# Retailer Urban Outfitters has purchased the Vetri restaurant group, a collection of eateries that includes award-winning pizzerias and upscale Italian food, possibly signaling the incorporation of sit-down dining into the Urban Outfitters shopping experience. What do you think?
Employee Returns From Vacation Refreshed, Ready To Waste Time #~# ALBANY, GA—Explaining that she felt relaxed and had a renewed sense of focus, local account manager Kayla Eggert told reporters Monday that she had returned to work from her recent vacation completely refreshed and ready to waste time. “Six days in Hawaii was just what I needed to unwind, and it’s great to come back feeling recharged for another week of dodging emails I don’t feel like dealing with and checking Facebook instead of writing up reports,” said Eggert, adding that being “off the grid” at a beachside resort had actually reinvigorated her to get back into the swing of landing a new high score in Candy Crush during staff meetings. “Getting away from the office is something you need to do every once in a while. It’s a shame I can’t take time off more often—making small talk with people in the break room when you should be connecting with clients on a proposal can really wear you down.” At press time, a rejuvenated Eggert was avoiding drawing up a project timetable by posting photos of her vacation online.
Rubio Campaign Deploys 6,000 Ground Troops To Combat ISIS #~# OTTUMWA, IA—Vowing to hunt down and destroy every last vestige of the extremist group, Senator Marco Rubio announced Tuesday that his presidential campaign was deploying 6,000 ground troops to the Middle East to combat ISIS militants. “ISIS has shown that it has no respect for the sanctity of human life, which is why this campaign has dispatched troops to Syria to begin a full-scale ground assault against these terrorists,” said the candidate ahead of a voter meet-and-greet at an Iowa senior center, noting that the troop deployment was merely the latest phase of a multi-pronged strategy by the Rubio 2016 campaign that began with the arming of Kurdish militias shortly before the second GOP primary debate. “In addition, the campaign has already launched coordinated missile strikes against ISIS strongholds from our destroyer, the USS New American Century, stationed in the Persian Gulf. And the Conservative Solutions super PAC has pledged additional air support to halt the advance of jihadist militants in northern Iraq. We will show these terrorists that they can’t hide from the next president of the United States.” At press time, a Rubio campaign airstrike intended for ISIS had accidentally hit a group of Ted Cruz loyalist fighters outside Tikrit.
GOP Warns Refugees Likely To Be Driven To Terrorism By Way America Would Treat Them #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Declaring that opening the nation’s doors to displaced Syrians posed a major security threat, GOP leaders warned Tuesday that any refugees who resettled in the U.S. would most likely be driven to terrorism by the way America treats them. “We absolutely cannot provide a safe haven to these Syrians due to the very real threat that the abusive and hateful conduct of Americans will push the refugees toward radicalization and recruitment by extremist militant groups,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), echoing the sentiments of numerous other presidential candidates and state governors who have argued that Syrian asylum seekers would in all probability embrace a radical jihadist worldview after constantly enduring anti-Muslim hate speech, racial epithets, and threats of violence and persecution by both the American people and government officials. “The moment we let these Syrians in, I promise that our most ruthless and cruel tendencies will take over, and we won’t relent until these refugees feel like they have no choice but to plan and execute a terror attack right inside our borders. It’s better to be safe than sorry in this situation.” Cruz claimed that the country did not face the same threat from Syria’s Christian refugees, stressing his confidence that only a small percentage of U.S. citizens would regard them as Muslim extremists.
Oxford Selects An Emoji As Word Of The Year #~# The Oxford English Dictionary’s Word of the Year for 2015 is not in fact a word, but what they have dubbed the “Face with Tears of Joy” emoji, which accounts for 17 percent of all emojis sent in U.S. texts and whose use is steeply on the rise. What do you think?
Aging Peyton Manning Now Forced To Take Field With Assistance Dog #~# DENVER—Noting that he is no longer capable of safely maneuvering across the field on his own, the Denver Broncos announced Tuesday that quarterback Peyton Manning will now be accompanied in all games by a specially trained assistance dog. “Given Peyton’s age and physical limitations, he needs Scout to help him navigate the pocket and find his way to and from the huddle,” said head coach Gary Kubiak, adding that the 2-year-old Labrador retriever—who the veteran quarterback will have on a leash at all times when stepping into the backfield—can recognize all of Manning’s voice commands and hand signals at the line of scrimmage and will then carefully guide him through a play accordingly. “Scout will make sure Peyton can move around slowly and securely without falling down or running into one of his offensive linemen, and he’s trained to bark if there’s a defender blitzing Peyton’s blind side. Not only is he a guide and helper, but he’s also a companion, and they’ve already become great friends.” Kubiak added that he has already had to tell younger Broncos players that they are prohibited from petting Scout during games in order to avoid distracting the canine and risking Manning being seriously injured.
Former Parishioners Protest Mormon LGBT Policy #~# Hundreds of members of the Mormon faith protested this week by submitting formal letters of resignation, renouncing the church’s latest anti-LGBT policy that bans baptisms for children of same-sex couples. What do you think?
Corporation Proud Of Origins As Small Business That Would Never Survive In Modern Economy #~# DEERFIELD, IL—Touting its foundational values of hard work, honesty, and integrity, drugstore giant Walgreens confirmed Wednesday it is proud of its origins as a small business that in today’s economy would absolutely never have been able to get off the ground. “Here at Walgreens, we still live by the same commitment to customer service preached by Charles Walgreen when he opened his first store back in 1901,” said company president Alex Gourlay, referring to the miniscule, independent pharmacy that, if opened in the modern era, would quickly be crushed by the present-day Walgreens and other retail chains whose outsized bargaining power allows them to squeeze out would-be competitors at will. “Just like Charles, we take great pride in everything we do. We now have more than 8,000 locations, but in many ways, we’re still that same little shop on the corner [that in the current market would be boarded up within 12 months, leaving its bankrupt owner hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt].” Gourlay added that each Walgreens store sees itself as an integral part of the community it serves, in the sense that residents no longer have any other place to shop and are thus completely dependent upon it. 
Bar Has Loud, Overcrowded Section Upstairs Too #~# SAN ANTONIO, TX—Noting that the bar and surrounding floor area can get pretty cramped and chaotic, regulars at local bar The Blue Room informed visiting friends Friday that the establishment has a noisy, overcrowded upstairs section too. “If it gets too packed and loud down here, we can always head upstairs to struggle to find a place to stand and yell conversation at each other through cupped hands,” said frequent patron Anna Spear to her group of friends, adding that there were extra bathrooms to wait in line for on the second floor as well. “Or maybe we could head out to the congested, smoke-filled back patio? If we put our names in now, we’ll be able to snag one of the tightly packed tables out there in 45 minutes or so.” At press time, sources confirmed that all of Spears’ suggestions went unheard by her friends due to the bar’s relentless, thumping bass.
Elderly Woman Relieved To Know She’s Tackled Last Technological Advancement Of Lifetime #~# POMPANO BEACH, FL—Moments after successfully sending her first text message from her new smartphone Tuesday, 75-year-old Eleanor Brodeson is said to have felt immense relief at the knowledge she had surmounted the final technological advancement of her lifetime. “Oh, there, I think I’ve got it,” said Brodeson, who, after investing considerable time and mental energy learning how to use a new cable remote, multiple touchscreen devices, her car’s keyless ignition system, and various versions of Windows over the past decade, reportedly felt a deep serenity and contentment at realizing she could coast through the rest of her days without having to absorb any new technological skills or master any more gadgets. “I just press ‘send’ and then I’m finished, right? That’s it? Wonderful.” At press time, Brodeson was locked out of her phone.
Desperate Obama Just Wants To Know Who To Give Weapons To In Order To Stop ISIS #~# ‘Please, Just Tell Me Who To Arm And I’ll Do It,’ President Says
FDA Seeks Public Opinion On ‘Natural’ Foods #~# Citing a current lack of regulation surrounding the term, the FDA is seeking input on what the word “natural” should connote on food labels, encouraging the public to submit via online form their ideas on how to standardize its use on packaging. What do you think?
NFL Offers Summer League For Suspended Players To Make Up Games #~# NEW YORK—Recommending that players take advantage of an opportunity that would keep them from falling behind their peers, officials from the NFL announced Monday that they are offering a summer league for those who were suspended during the regular season to make up games. “Players who missed any time due to suspension are strongly advised to sign up for our summer league in order to ensure they’re prepared to continue on to the following season,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, explaining that players will be expected to attend practice five days a week from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. throughout June and July, as well as participate in make-up games every Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday so league officials can evaluate their progress. “It’s obviously an accelerated program with no breaks or bye weeks, since we’re squeezing a full 16-game regular season into just a couple of months. However, we will still offer a full schedule of make-up games—afternoon and primetime alike—for all divisions, so that players who missed large parts of last season can get back on track. By the time the 2016 season rolls around next fall, they will be fully up to speed alongside the rest of their teammates.” Sources also confirmed that, despite having not received any suspensions this season, Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton has already signed up for the summer league just to get ahead for next year.
Congress Members Spend Afternoon Drawing Pictures Of Their Dream Capitols #~# WASHINGTON—Sitting Indian-style on the Senate floor surrounded by Magic Markers, crayons, and construction paper, members of Congress spent the afternoon in a special session Monday drawing pictures of their dream Capitols, sources reported.
Joe’s Crab Shack Eliminates Tipping #~# Restaurant chain Joe’s Crab Shack has been experimenting with a no-tipping policy at 18 of its locations with plans to gradually expand the policy nationwide, paying servers more per hour and raising menu prices by 12-15 percent, changes that could also help reduce labor costs. What do you think?
Realtor Was Not Expecting Such Hard-Hitting Questions About Water Pressure #~# ALBANY, NY—Left staggered and dumbfounded by the unexpected line of inquiry, real estate agent Jeffrey Tindell told reporters Monday he was totally unprepared for a potential buyer’s hard-hitting questions about the water pressure in a local three-bedroom townhouse recently listed for sale. “The showing seemed to be going pretty well, but then, out of nowhere, this guy starts grilling me on all this stuff about whether the water pressure is lower upstairs than it is downstairs—he just completely blindsided me,” said a visibly exasperated Tindell, recounting how his feet were held to the fire with questions about whether the previous resident had been happy with the pressure and whether the showerhead would likely need to be replaced. “I tried to change the subject and bring his attention back to the newly installed Berber carpeting, but he just wouldn’t let up. By the time he hit me with that question about whether the pressure in the shower is still good when the dishwasher is running, I knew I was in way, way over my head.” Tindell added that he was still reeling at the mere thought of the prospective buyer actually following through on his promise to send “a few follow-up questions” about the washer-dryer hookups.
Report: 1 in 5 NYC Adults Suffers Mental Health Issues #~# In response to a new report that as many as one in five adult residents of New York City suffers from mental health issues, Mayor Bill de Blasio has unveiled a new initiative called NYC Thrive, allocating $386 million to the prevention and treatment of psychological disorders. What do you think?
Man Searching For Part Of Chicken Tender Thin Enough To Fit Into Plastic Dipping Sauce Cup #~# CHESTER, PA—Slowly rotating the deep-fried strip of white meat to consider every possible angle from which it could be dunked, local man Brian Oakley is, according to sources, currently searching for a part of his chicken tender thin enough to fit into the plastic dipping sauce cup. “The end fit in the cup pretty easily, but now that I’ve taken the first bite, the middle part is too thick to get in there,“ Oakley told reporters as he carefully examined the crunchy, breaded strip of chicken before flipping it around and confirming that the back end was also too wide for the two-ounce container. “Only the very tip will get any sauce. I guess I could just take another bite and then it’ll be thin enough, but I don’t want to eat a dry part.” At press time, Oakley had resorted to scraping the chicken tender against the barbeque sauce stuck on the plastic cup’s foil lid.
Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence. “I saw Ryan [Fitzpatrick] complete the handoff, so I immediately tackled the running back, only to find out that he didn’t even have the ball—it was all just a lie,” said Dareus, adding that watching the runner mimic carrying the ball as the quarterback dropped back to pass made him finally realize the truly terrible, deceitful things that players are capable of behind the line of scrimmage. “You go through your whole life thinking that everything is simple, that people are good, that a run play is a run play and a pass play is a pass play. But you know what? That’s not the world we live in. Seeing that really forced me to grow up—and I’ll never be the same again.” Shortly after the play, Dareus was spotted removing his helmet and walking off the field in the middle of a crucial third-and-short, muttering under his breath that there is no God.
Darker Sense Of Humor Could Be Early Sign Of Dementia #~# A new study found that a common early symptom among dementia patients was an increasingly dark sense of humor that favored slapstick over satire and caused them to laugh at socially inappropriate times, findings that can aid in earlier and more accurate diagnoses. What do you think?
Relationship Experts Recommend Single Women Try Bathing In Open Stream Until Suitor Glimpses Them Through Trees #~# NEW YORK—Saying the strategy was certain to attract the most eligible men of the highest repute, relationship experts recommended Friday that single women frustrated with their current romantic options try bathing in an open stream until the ideal suitor glimpses them through the trees. “Finding a suitable partner can be very difficult for women, but we’ve learned that one of the easiest and most effective ways to attract that special someone is to put on a thin white cambric bathing gown, wade into a sylvan brook, and begin washing your body and running your hands through your long, silken hair while humming softly to yourself,” said professional dating coach Priscilla Adams, adding that women should choose a location with a small waterfall cascading lightly into a natural bathing pool, where a man out riding his horse or returning from a distant war might catch sight of them from the stream’s wooded banks. “After several minutes of bathing, you should see a mysterious, rugged presence fixing his steely gaze upon you, at which time we advise that you hurriedly wrap yourself in a woven blanket and call out ‘Who’s there?’ before being reassured by his kind face and inviting physique. This tactic is almost guaranteed to result in a satisfying romantic experience.” Adams added that if an immediate connection isn’t felt, women could also try putting on their most billowy dress and waiting on the edge of a windswept cliff at sunset.
‘Seek Funding’ Step Added To Scientific Method #~# PARIS—In an effort to modernize the principles and empirical procedures of examining phenomena and advancing humanity’s collective knowledge, the International Council for Science announced Thursday the addition of a “Seek Funding” step to the scientific method. “After making an observation and forming a hypothesis as usual, the new third step of the scientific method will now require researchers to embark upon an exhaustive search for corporate or government financing,” said the group’s president, Gordon McBean, adding that the new stage of the process, which will be implemented across every scientific discipline, also entails compiling and forwarding grant proposals to hundreds of highly competitive funding sources. “Next, scientists simply modify their study’s goals to align with the vision of potential funders and wait for several months to hear back. At this point—should this step be successful, of course—they can move on to the experimental stage, and then to analysis.” McBean confirmed that the council was also developing a new initial step for the scientific process, “Assess Profitability of Research,” which would help determine if systematic investigation is even worth pursuing in the first place.
Mascot Hijinks Cost University $123,000 #~# Arizona State University will cover the medical costs of a city councilman who was hospitalized for four days after ASU mascot Sparky the Sun Devil leapt onto his back and tore a muscle that was still healing from a recent back surgery. What do you think?
Report: Retailers Pull In $5 Billion Annually From Women Coming Off Street To Avoid Harassment #~# WASHINGTON—Describing the behavior as an extremely reliable source of consumer spending, a report released Thursday by the Department of Commerce confirmed that the nation’s retailers earn $5 billion annually from women coming in from the street in order to get away from harassment. “Our research has shown that female consumers who quickly duck into stores after noticing that a strange man has been following them for several city blocks are responsible for a significant portion of all retail sales in the United States,” said Commerce Secretary Penny Pritzker, noting that some businesses may earn up to 10 percent of their total sales revenue from purchases made by women browsing the store’s aisles in the hopes that the men who were harassing, catcalling, and leering at them lose track of where they went and continue walking down the sidewalk. “Nearly every drugstore, coffee shop, and bodega takes in tens of thousands of dollars each month from uncomfortable women looking for a safe place to evade these men, particularly those businesses that are open late.” The study also revealed that $12 billion is spent annually by men who entered a business because they spotted a lone woman through the storefront window.
Nation Figured Everything Would Run On Some Kind Of Cubes Of Blue Energy By Now #~# NEW YORK—Expressing their disappointment and frustration at the current state of technology, citizens across the nation reported Thursday that they figured everything would run on some sort of cubes of blue energy by now.
The Hardest Part Of Being A Parent Is Telling Your Son You Can’t Promote Him From VP For A Few Years #~# No one ever said having kids is easy. Trust me, as a father, I’m well aware of that. But what nobody tells you is that all those difficult parts of child-rearing—the sleepless nights, the endless demands on your time, the tantrums—while certainly trying, pale in comparison to the single hardest thing a parent can experience: the day you have to tell your son it’ll be a few years before you can promote him from VP to president.
Fraternity Sues ‘Rolling Stone’ For $25 Million #~# After multiple discrepancies were found in Rolling Stone’s 2014 account of fraternity-involved rape on the University of Virginia campus, UVA’s Phi Kappa Psi fraternity is filing a $25 million defamation lawsuit against the magazine, claiming the chapter’s future has been jeopardized as a result of the article. What do you think?
Roger Goodell Quietly Says Goodnight To Hallway Of NFL Greats’ Chemically Preserved Bodies #~# NEW YORK—Slowly walking down the basement hallway as the ceiling’s fluorescent lights turned off row by row behind him, Roger Goodell quietly said goodnight to each of the legendary former NFL players whose bodies he had chemically preserved, sources confirmed late Wednesday evening. “Sleep well, my friends,” whispered Goodell, delicately placing a hand against the glass of a tank containing the corpse of Johnny Unitas perfectly embalmed in a green, viscous liquid, before then waving to the floating bodies of Walter Payton, Reggie White, and the entire 1949 NFL Championship–winning Philadelphia Eagles defensive line housed in the back of the hall. “I’ll see you again in the morning. I love you.” Sources confirmed that before exiting the room, Goodell took one last look at the empty tank intended for Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, emitted a deep sigh, and then shut the door.
Bulls Players Annoyed By Derrick Rose Always Leaving Torn Ligaments All Over Locker Room #~# CHICAGO—Calling it “disrespectful” and “totally disgusting,” members of the Chicago Bulls expressed their frustration to reporters Wednesday over point guard Derrick Rose’s habit of always leaving his torn ligaments strewn all over their locker room. “Every time I walk in here after practice or a game, I see Derrick’s shredded MCLs and ACLs just lying on the floor, and it’s ridiculous,” said small forward Jimmy Butler, who added that he and his teammates have repeatedly implored Rose to clean up the wet, tattered bands of connective tissue that he regularly leaves sitting in puddles of synovial fluid around nearby lockers. “Not only is it gross, but yesterday Pau [Gasol] threw out one that he almost slipped on in the bathroom. They’re Derrick’s ligaments, so we shouldn’t have to pick up after him like this. We’re sick of it.” Butler added that he and his teammates have also spoken to Rose about his chunks of knee cartilage that routinely clog the facility’s shower drains.
Organ Transplants Might Favor Wealthier Patients #~# Researchers report that our organ transplant system might inadvertently favor wealthier patients who can put their names on waiting lists at multiple transplant centers nationwide, while those who can’t afford such travel or who lack physicians on private insurance plans to advocate for them have longer wait times and are less likely to receive the needed organ. What do you think?
Man Arriving Late Forced To Use Excuse He Was Saving For Leaving Early #~# HARTFORD, CT—Silently berating himself for his carelessness and lack of forethought, local office worker Jason Lochrie, who arrived over an hour late to work Wednesday morning, reportedly had no choice but to use an excuse he had been hoping would allow him to leave early. “Damn it, I was all set to get out of here at 3:30 by telling everyone I had a dermatologist’s appointment, but when I showed up after the start of our 10 a.m. meeting, I was forced to use it right then and there,” said a visibly frustrated Lochrie, who admitted he briefly considered repurposing the same alibi several hours later before determining that there was no way he could convince his colleagues and supervisor that he had scheduled two different doctors’ visits on the same day. “If I had made it in just a half hour earlier, I probably could’ve slipped into the office and made a quick comment about the traffic and still had the afternoon appointment excuse ready to go—now that’s totally shot. Maybe I could say a family member’s in the hospital, but I feel like that might be pushing it.” At press time, Lochrie had reportedly walked straight out of the office without saying anything.
Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’ #~# ‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands
Report: Russian Athletes Used PEDs For Years #~# Following a 10-month investigation, a report released by the World Anti-Doping Agency raises hundreds of allegations against Russian athletes, including the regular use of performance-enhancing drugs and coaches’ attempts to destroy any positive drug tests, violations that the IOC must now take into account for the 2016 Olympic Games. What do you think?
Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate #~# MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum. “Our current tax system is broken, and the only way to fix it is—let go of me! No, no, just let me have another 30 seconds, please!” said Paul, his voice growing faster and more frantic as he tried to outline his entire campaign platform before Republican National Committee security could break his grip on his podium and drag him off camera. “Overregulation is hurting small business owners and payroll taxes need to be abolished while the U.S. scales back its involvement in foreign wars and ensures strong protections for religious freedom, oh, and the TARP bailout was a mistake, sentences for nonviolent drug offenses should be reduced, and as president I would veto any law attempting to restrict the right to bear arms, and wait, wait! Nooooo!” At press time, John Kasich was nervously attempting to rush through a response on health care as security guards approached his side of the stage.
Carly Fiorina Shares Heartbreaking Story About Father Of 3 Who Couldn’t Meet Sales Goals #~# MILWAUKEE—Saying his struggle was illustrative of how our economic system has failed countless hardworking Americans over the past 20 years, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina shared a heartbreaking story at Tuesday night’s GOP primary debate about a father of three who simply couldn’t meet his sales goals. “I met a man in Palo Alto, California by the name of Roger, a family man with three young daughters who worked his whole life to do his best and take care of them, but he lost a good tech-sector job after coming up less than a hundred units shy of his Q2 sales benchmark—his livelihood, his sense of security disappeared just like that,” said Fiorina, who explained how she would never forget the sad, desperate look in the man’s eyes as he told her how he worried about exhausting his savings and asked her if there was anything she could do for him. “And these stories are all too common. Over the years, I’ve met many people just like Roger, who did the best they could every day, only to have the rug swept out from under them when, through no fault of their own, their company entered disastrous mergers with other industry giants, labeled them as redundant, and sent them packing. How can workers get ahead in a system rigged like that?” Fiorina then blasted her opponents for being out of touch with the middle class, saying she was the only candidate who had met face-to-face with 30,000 regular Americans who had fallen on hard times.
SeaWorld To End Orca Shows In San Diego #~# SeaWorld Entertainment has announced they will retire all killer whale shows at their San Diego location, though the shows will continue in San Antonio and Orlando, with additional plans to build a new “orca experience” attraction in 2017. What do you think?
Grandmother Down To 10-Step Radius Around Recliner In Den #~# MARTINSBURG, MD—Noting that most rooms of her home are now effectively off-limits to her, the family of local grandmother Edith Wilson confirmed this week that the 84-year-old is down to a 10-step radius around her recliner in the den. “A few years ago, she could get around the whole ground floor of her house no problem, but now she can’t even make it to her sewing table where she used to pause to hold herself up,” said youngest son Todd Wilson, who noted that all his mother’s most important items—notably her Kleenex, hard candies, pill organizer, Woman’s Day magazines, and glucose monitor—had been relocated to shelves and end tables within several shambles of her tan, overstuffed chair. “She’s still within shuffling distance of the bathroom, which is good. But if this keeps up, we’re probably going to have to move everything she needs within arm’s reach of her chair pretty soon.” Wilson added that his mother was scheduled to have knee surgery later this year, which he hoped would eventually allow her to traverse all the way to the far side of the room at will.
Tips For Conquering Phobias #~# Even the most rational, clear-thinking adults can have anxieties that interfere with their routine, and learning to manage them is key to living a life free from fear. Here are The Onion’s tips for conquering your phobias:
Housing Prices Spike As Tech Employee Takes Stroll Through Neighborhood #~# OAKLAND, CA—Pricing out residents on either side of the street with each step he took, Facebook software engineer Eric Healy reportedly sent local housing costs soaring during a casual stroll through a residential neighborhood Tuesday. “Wow, what a nice day,” said Healy, increasing the rent on local one- and two-bedroom apartments threefold and adding at least $350,000 in property value to each building within a three-block radius as he made his way along the sidewalk. “It’s so nice to get outside and take a walk.” At press time, sources reported that two artisanal bakeries, an Anthropologie, and a themed tiki bar had begun making plans to move into the quiet neighborhood as Healy paused on a street corner for several moments to answer a phone call.
Baby Cured Of Leukemia By ‘Designer’ Cells #~# In what could be a major breakthrough in cancer research, a baby diagnosed with terminal leukemia has been entirely cleared of the disease by the experimental use of immune cells genetically engineered to target and attack cancer cells, a treatment that will begin clinical trials next year. What do you think?
Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims #~# 
Starbucks Holiday Cups Angering Christians #~# After Starbucks debuted their iconic red cups for the holiday season, many Christians complained that this year’s minimalist design features no holiday-specific imagery such as snowmen or sledding, leading one pastor to begin a viral prank of ordering at Starbucks under the name “Merry Christmas” to force baristas into writing a Christian message on the cup. What do you think?
Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview #~# SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed. “As soon as he went in there, he started listing off supervisors and colleagues he had worked with over the years and saying only the briefest, most courteous things about each of them—he’s sparing everyone!” said office manager Teresa Ullman as she watched Hughes through the glass conference room window, noting that her coworker appeared hell-bent on making sure every one of the complaints and frustrations that had built up over the past eight years stayed bottled up inside. “Man, he just keeps hammering management with polite agreeableness toward its policies and expressions of gratitude at having worked here. Just look at that unanimated, placid look on his face—he’s laying into absolutely nothing about the company. I’ve never seen anything like it!” Sources later reported that Hughes could be seen standing up abruptly, pointing a finger directly at the company’s HR manager, and firmly stating his hope that she would be able to make it to his going-away party later.
New Study Finds Box Still World’s Most Popular Container #~# PHILADELPHIA—Noting its ability to enclose, protect, and transport a wide variety of objects, a University of Pennsylvania study published Monday confirmed that the box remains the world’s most popular container. “We found that when something needs to be stored or moved—be it tools, jewelry, pizza, even ballots—people tend to put their trust in a box more often than, say, a bucket or satchel,” said the study’s lead author, Susan Kemmis, who highlighted the rectangular containers’ stackability and closable top as the key assets that set them apart from bags. “Whether the item or items to be stowed away are large, small, heavy, or light, there tends to be a box of appropriate dimensions and rigidity to adequately contain them. The same can’t be said of baskets, jugs, or barrels.” While later admitting that crates are the go-to container for shipping purposes, Kemmis emphasized that a crate could, in fact, be considered a type of box.
Record Number Of Women Now NYC Firefighters #~# Following the training of four new female firefighters this week, the FDNY now has a record high number of women within its ranks, though these 49 women comprise only 0.5 percent of the department. What do you think?
Biologists Announce They’re All Done With Rodents #~# ‘There Is Nothing About Them That Requires Further Scientific Inquiry,’ Say Scientists
Adidas To Help Change Native American Mascots #~# After attending the White House Tribal Nations Conference, Adidas has offered to help 2,000 high schools change their Native American mascots by employing the Adidas design team to recreate their logos and uniforms. What do you think?
Lindsey Graham Gazes Longingly At Happy Rubio Campaign Workers Through Window #~# MANCHESTER, NH—Reportedly cupping his hands around his eyes for a better look at the cheerful volunteers inside, presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham gazed longingly into the window of fellow candidate Marco Rubio’s bustling New Hampshire campaign headquarters Thursday.
Scientists Confirm Anti-Vaccine Sites Contain No Facts #~# A new study found that despite the prevalence of websites encouraging parents not to vaccinate their children, two-thirds of the sites presented false or disproven information as scientific evidence, while others misinterpreted the findings of peer-reviewed medical papers on the subject. What do you think?
Timeline Of The James Bond Series #~# This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history:
Longtime Residents Worry Roommate With Well-Paid Job Slowly Gentrifying Apartment #~# DENVER—Noting that many areas are completely unrecognizable compared to when they first moved in years ago, residents of 1102 Larimer Street Apartment 2B told reporters Thursday they’ve begun to worry their well-paid roommate is slowly gentrifying the apartment. “I don’t hold anything against Mark personally for having a good job, but as soon as he moved in, the framed pictures started going up, and this place has lost a lot of its original character,” longtime roommate John Wertz said of the new arched floor lamp, Whole Foods groceries in the pantry, and a potted succulent plant that have slowly replaced the apartment’s longtime furnishings and steadily reshaped the space’s look. “It first started in the living room when Mark replaced the old green futon that had been there forever with a brand-new Crate & Barrel couch, but then it began to spread, and you started seeing a new candle pop up here or a set of matching coffee cups there. Of course, change can be good, but sometimes I look around and think, ‘Where do I even live anymore?’” At press time, sources reported that the Mr. Coffee on the kitchen countertop had been forced out of the apartment by a new De’Longhi espresso machine. 
Houston Votes Against Antidiscrimination Ordinance #~# The Houston Equal Rights Ordinance, which establishes antidiscrimination protections for LGBT and other citizens, was rejected by voters 61 to 39 percent this week, due in part to the influence of conservative pastors who believe transgender people using public restrooms poses a danger to women, claims that proponents of the ordinance dismiss as fearmongering. What do you think?
CVS Cashier Can’t Wait To Accept $20 Bill From Customer Purchasing 3 Different Cough Medications #~# LANSING, MI—Having watched with mounting excitement as the pallid, sniffling man made his way toward her register from the pharmacy section, local CVS cashier Hannah Everson told reporters Thursday she was overjoyed at the prospect of accepting a $20 bill from a customer purchasing three different kinds of cough medicine. “Oh, boy, I can’t wait to get my hands on that damp twenty—if I’m lucky, he’ll use his clenched fist to cover a small coughing fit before reaching for his wallet,” said Everson, adding that she hoped the man slowly placing cough syrup, throat lozenges, and sinus medication on the counter would at least wipe his nose on the back of his hand before grabbing the bill and handing it over. “I was a little upset that he didn’t sneeze right in front of me when he reached the head of the line, but thankfully, just as he was stepping up to my register, he pulled out a crumpled, used tissue from his pocket, held it to his face, and blew his nose for about 30 continuous seconds. That was an unexpected treat!” Everson added that she could barely contain her elation at the promise of receiving a handful of warm, sticky coins after the man assured her he had exact change.
Wealthiest Americans Ominously Remind Nation They Could Easily Drop Another $10 Billion On Election #~# WASHINGTON—Calmly stating that they would not even need to think twice about doing so, the nation’s wealthiest individuals ominously reminded the populace during a press conference Wednesday that they could easily drop another $10 billion on the 2016 election. “We want to make it completely clear to voters that there’s absolutely no reason—none at all—why we couldn’t shell out another $10 billion between now and next November,” said casino magnate Sheldon Adelson on behalf of the top tenth of a percent of income-earners in the U.S., adding that creating dozens of new and extremely well-funded super PACs would mean practically nothing to them. “Trust me, we’ve got plenty to throw around, so it really wouldn’t be a problem. We could spread it around a bunch of congressional races, or, heck, we could put it all on one presidential candidate—it doesn’t really affect us much either way. Why don’t we toss in a billion right now just to give you a taste?” The nation’s wealthiest families then added that they would have no problem repeating the process for the next 30 election cycles before silently walking off the stage.
Majority Whip Displays Impaled Senator Outside Capitol Building As Warning To All Who Cross Party Lines #~# WASHINGTON—Instructing his colleagues to take a good, long look at what happens to consensus seekers, Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn (R-TX) publicly displayed the impaled body of a fellow senator at the entrance to the Capitol building Thursday as a warning to anyone thinking about crossing party lines. “You see this? If I even sense so much as a hint of a possibility that you might vote out of lockstep or co-sponsor a centrist bill with the opposition, I swear to God I’ll slice your tongue clean out of your throat right in the middle of the rotunda,” said Cornyn, gesturing to the suit-clad corpse with a bloodied wooden stake protruding from its chest and the word “AISLE-CROSSER” carved into its forehead. “And then I’ll personally see to it that you’re branded, gutted, skewered, and paraded around Capitol Hill like a suckling hog. So ask yourself right now: How important is moving past party politics and reaching compromise, huh?” Senate sources later confirmed that Cornyn went on to brandish a cigar cutter and remark how hard it would be to pen bipartisan legislation without any thumbs.
Vatican Scandals Detailed In Tell-All Books #~# Two books released this week by Italian journalists both detail alleged greed and excess within the highest ranks of the Vatican, including the rampant, unsupervised spending of church donations that allegedly angered Pope Francis, who strives for a more modest Catholic Church. What do you think?
Economists Estimate Human Civilization Still Years Away From Turning Profit #~# BALTIMORE—After an exhaustive review of financial records from the present back to the cuneiform ledgers of ancient Mesopotamia, economists at Johns Hopkins University released a report Wednesday indicating that human civilization is still many years away from turning a profit.
Inaccuracy Of Every Single Detail Forces Student Paper To Pull Story At Last Minute #~# NEW BRITAIN, CT—Explaining that the article did not meet the publication’s high standards, the editors of The Recorder, Central Connecticut State University’s student newspaper, confirmed Wednesday that the inaccuracy of every single detail forced them to pull the issue’s top story at the last minute. “We at The Recorder strive to ensure that every piece of writing we publish contains timely and thoroughly reported information, and because each sentence of this article contains at least one factual error, we made the call to kill it,” said editor-in-chief Hannah Lowry, noting numerous “red flags” in the article that included an incorrect date and location; misattributed quotes; several wide-of-the-mark figures, including the school’s attendance; and the names of students, faculty, and buildings that do not exist. “While I was confident in the story’s reporting after my first pass, a closer inspection earlier today revealed that the piece as a whole does not contain a single accurate statement, and the headline referred to a campus event that never occurred. It was with this knowledge that I made the decision to pull the story from publication, ensuring that we uphold the paramount responsibilities entrusted to us by the Blue Devil community.” At press time, the student reporter who authored the article had reportedly apologized to the staff and attributed the errors to extreme fatigue.
Two-Month Freelance Gig Posted In ‘Careers’ Section Of Company’s Website #~# NEW YORK—Referring to the two months of contracted labor as an “opportunity,” online media company RazerWire posted a temporary graphic design freelance gig in the “Careers” section of its website, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We are looking for creative, talented people to join our team and help us grow,” read the listing for the eight-week, out-of-office position, which was titled “Designer” and contained a paragraph detailing the company’s background, mission, and company culture. “The ideal candidate will be passionate about interactive design and the RazerWire brand.” Sources confirmed that the job, which comes with no health benefits, paid leave, or provided equipment, also requires full working knowledge of the Adobe Creative Cloud and three to four years of prior design experience.
Diamonds Might Not Be As Rare As Once Thought #~# According to new research, the process by which the earth creates diamonds might be more common than we thought, though many of the resultant gems are microscopic and immaterial to humans. What do you think?
Paul Ryan Discovers Half-Finished Escape Tunnel Leading Out Of Speaker’s Office #~# WASHINGTON—Moving a 19th-century armchair away from the mahogany-paneled wall as he rearranged his new office Wednesday, recently elected House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly stumbled upon a half-finished escape tunnel leading out of the Speaker’s chambers. “Oh, man, look at this thing—it must go back 100 feet!” said Ryan, who found the makeshift passageway strewn with numerous worn-down Montblanc fountain pens that had apparently been used to chip away at the plaster wall, the marble and brick of the Capitol building’s foundation, and the packed earth beyond. “Looks like he was digging away from Capitol Hill and toward the Amtrak station. God, he must have spent years on this.” At press time, a startled Ryan was said to be shrieking loudly after opening his office’s Lincoln-era cherry armoire and finding himself eye-to-eye with a homemade, business-suit-clad dummy that his predecessor had intended to prop up behind his desk to provide sufficient cover when making a getaway.
Cinemas Ban Masks, Prop Weapons At ‘Star Wars’ Release #~# Citing safety concerns, movie theater chain Cinemark is warning audiences ahead of the December 18 opening of Star Wars: Episode VII that they are not permitted to wear masks or face paint as part of any costume, nor can they carry prop weapons to screenings of the film. What do you think?
Archaeologists Discover Ancient Femur That Could Make Mouthwatering Broth #~# SIBERIA, RUSSIA—Hailing it as among the most intact and substantial Paleolithic-era finds ever unearthed, a team of archaeologists from University College Dublin announced Wednesday the discovery of an ancient human femur that could make a rich, mouthwatering broth. “Based on our preliminary analysis, this thighbone dates back some 65,000 years and appears to be ideal for preparing an enticing, flavorful soup stock that’s hearty and delicious,” said Dr. Harold Brecht, adding that after slowly simmering the recently unearthed prehistoric bone with some sea salt, aromatic vegetables, and a bay leaf, one would have the beginnings of a tasty broth that was at once savory and delicate. “We’ve also found significant evidence that strongly suggests this early femur could be roasted for extra depth of flavor and then tossed into a crock pot with carrots, parsnips, potatoes, and two to three pounds of beef shank for a robust stew that would be delightful on a chilly day. Maybe with some nice, crusty bread to dip in it, too.” Brecht added that he and his research team would have more than enough soup base to last through the winter provided they are able to excavate the remainder of the early human’s skeleton.
ISS Celebrates 15 Years Of Residency In Space #~# This week, the International Space Station marked 15 years of continuous human residency, during which the crew has expanded the ISS by 10 rooms, performed 1,760 experiments, and completed 189 space walks. What do you think?
Victoria’s Secret Introduces 3-Inch Patch Of Satin To Place Anywhere On Body #~# NEW YORK—Touting it as a seductive and versatile new addition to their Dream Angels collection, Victoria’s Secret officials announced Tuesday the launch of a 3-square-inch patch of satin that can be placed anywhere on the body. “Our new Ultimate Angel Patches are feminine, delicate, and incredibly sexy,” said Victoria’s Secret CEO Sharen Turney, who noted that the square piece of lace-trimmed fabric can be worn in over 50 different ways and comes in 10 styles and colors, including Leopard, Sheer, Beach Orchid, and Christmas Red with White Fur Trim. “The Ultimate Angel Patch can be placed anywhere that makes you feel sexy. It’s intensely alluring on a tanned shoulder, draped over an elbow, or even worn on one ankle. Plus, your partner will absolutely love sensually taking it off of you.” Turney confirmed that the 3-inch patch of satin would retail for $88.
Executive Recalls Booming Private Prison Corporation’s Humble Beginnings As Modest 6-Cell Facility #~# PHOENIX—Speaking to reporters Tuesday from his spacious corner office in the company’s sleek downtown corporate headquarters, Harbor Corrections Group CEO Walter G. Parks reminisced fondly about the business’s humble beginnings as a modest six-cell prison.
Study Finds Controlled Washington, D.C. Wildfires Crucial For Restoring Healthy Political Environment #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the process essential to preventing overgrowth and promoting renewal, a study released Tuesday by researchers at American University found that regular, controlled Washington, D.C. wildfires are crucial to the restoration of a healthy political environment. “Periodic blazes that destroy sections of the Beltway region are a natural part of the political cycle and play a key role in maintaining democratic balance,” read the study in part, which explained that occasional wildfires of mild to moderate intensity are the most important and effective mechanism for clearing out old federal agencies so that new ones can take their place and flourish. “Although such fires are often considered a hazard, without them government would quickly become dense, overrun, and impenetrable, stifling political diversity and inhibiting the germination of new ideas. In fact, had the Great Washington Fire of 1964 not provided them with room to grow, the Departments of Transportation and Housing and Urban Development would never have been able to take root and thrive.” The study concluded that attempts to suppress the wildfires would likely only lead to the occurrence of far more powerful blazes in the future capable of causing significant, permanent damage to the government’s branches.
Divorced Man Sadly Removes Ex-Wife’s Admin Privileges From Home Security System #~# BOULDER, CO—Following the completion of his lengthy divorce proceedings earlier this week, local man Brian Keller, 43, sorrowfully removed his now ex-wife’s administrator privileges from his home security system, sources confirmed Tuesday. According to reports, the divorcé walked slowly to the hallway control panel and sighed heavily before flipping open the plastic cover and using the directional keys to navigate to System Preferences and then System Administrators. After reportedly pausing for several moments to stare at the name Lisa Keller on the LCD screen, the man then took a deep, shaky breath, pressed Delete, and keyed in the four-digit security code to confirm the changes, erasing from the system all trace of the woman who for years shared access to the door sensors, motion detectors, and remote thermostat control. At press time, Keller was said to be sitting on the floor directly below the control panel, sobbing softly into his hands as he remembered the moment nearly a decade earlier when he and his new bride first accidentally tripped the high-decibel alarm.
Shit, I Was Supposed To Have Learned Something From Having Cancer, Wasn’t I? #~# When I was diagnosed with cancer 18 months ago, I was terrified. For over a year, I lived with the fear that death was just around the corner, that I might not be there for my family anymore, that I might never see my kids get married and have kids of their own. But after countless treatment sessions and the hard work of my doctors, last week I was finally given a clean bill of health. And now I’m back to my normal, everyday routine and…oh…oh, wait. Shit.
Tennessee Opens Animal Abuser Registry #~# A new bill passed in Tennessee established the first statewide public registry listing people who have been arrested for animal abuse within the past two years, with several other states considering the adoption of similar registries. What do you think?
Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates #~# Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates:
NFL Week Eight Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from week eight of the NFL season:
Chipotle Closes 43 Locations After E. Coli Outbreak #~# Acting out of what they call an “abundance of caution,” Chipotle announced they are temporarily closing 43 locations in Washington and Oregon after an outbreak of E. coli has affected 20 people who recently ate Chipotle in the region. What do you think?
Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election #~# With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election:
Customer Who Declined Initial Offer Of Assistance From Floor Salesman Comes Crawling Back #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Mere minutes after rejecting a Home Depot employee’s offer of assistance with a curt shake of his head and the phrase “No thanks,” local man Garrett Hoffman, 44, reportedly came crawling back for help Monday. “Excuse me, I’m looking for foam sealant,” said Hoffman, returning with his tail between his legs to the very same salesman he had just moments earlier arrogantly brushed aside as he strode with unfounded confidence down the plumbing aisle. “I looked next to the fiberglass insulation but didn’t see it there, and it wasn’t by the other spray products, either. Maybe it’s in the back?” At press time, the once cocksure customer was barely able to raise his head to look the floor salesman in the eye as he returned a second time to meekly request help getting the sanded plywood down from the top shelf.
Groundbreaking Study Finds Gratification Can Be Deliberately Postponed #~# MEDFORD, MA—In a finding that upends longstanding assumptions about human mental capabilities, a Tufts University study published Monday has determined that gratification can actually be deliberately postponed. “We now have sound scientific evidence that suggests one can intentionally enjoy something at a point in time beyond this very moment,” said study co-author Bennett Sims, adding that the data indicated that it could be possible to delay gratification for minutes, hours, or, theoretically, even days. “It appears that humans are, in fact, able to wait for a thing they want, and on very rare occasion even perceive that delaying the gratification might enhance it.” The research comes on the heels of another study that found that humans actually have the emotional capacity to not complain every five minutes.
Study: Married People Heal Better After Heart Surgery #~# Scientists studying 1,500 heart surgery patients found that those who were divorced or widowed were 40 percent more likely to either die or continue needing help with everyday tasks long after their surgery, as opposed to married people, who returned to a state of independence more quickly. What do you think?
Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong #~# NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series. “It feels pretty great to finally shut up all the naysayers who actually continued following the postseason to this point,” said Royals first baseman Eric Hosmer, adding that the team rallied in the face of critics who—unlike the majority of baseball fans who immediately lost interest in the playoffs after the Yankees, Cubs, Cardinals, Pirates, and Dodgers were eliminated—claimed that the team would be easily swept by the surging Mets. “We heard it all: ‘The Royals don’t have enough star power to go all the way’; ‘Kansas City can’t compete with the big-market teams’; ‘Nobody gives a shit about the World Series this year or which team wins.’ But you know what, we never bought into that stuff. We always believed we could do it, and our win tonight speaks for itself.” Hosmer went on to say that the Royals’ World Series victory proved to the small number of Americans who still enjoy watching baseball that anything is possible.
Novelty Welcome Mat Lets Party Guests Know They’re In For Some Fun #~# WICHITA, KS—Portending the atmosphere of good humor and merriment that lay ahead, a novelty welcome mat reportedly let guests arriving at Jeff Larson’s house party know Friday that they were in for some serious fun before they had even set foot inside. “WARNING: Good times ahead,” read the convivial doormat, a tantalizing teaser of all the engaging interactions, incredible music, delicious appetizers, great drinks, and raucous party games that would entertain and delight attendees as soon as they’d crossed the threshold into the wildly festive environment that awaited. “Enter dance floor at your own risk.” At press time, partygoers confirmed that, having stepped foot through the door and immediately encountered a table with bowls of pretzels, brownie bites, tortilla chips, and two types of dip, the party was more than living up to the doormat’s hype.
Out-Of-Control Hand Gesture Sends Bernie Sanders Tumbling Off Stage #~# GOFFSTOWN, NH—Thrown completely off-balance as he emphatically argued the benefits of a living wage, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders was reportedly sent tumbling off stage midway through Saturday’s Democratic debate by an out-of-control hand gesture. “He started responding to a question about how to spur job creation, but he had a little too much momentum behind the hand he was waving around, which catapulted him away from his podium and toward the edge of the stage,” said audience member Faith Besler, who noted that Sanders had also been left unbalanced and staggering earlier in the debate during an exchange over campaign financing when a particularly agitated pointing motion directed at Hillary Clinton sent him careening off camera. “He probably could have stopped himself before he reached the edge, but then he really punctuated a talking point about the lack of overtime pay for low-wage workers with a wild two-handed swatting motion that caused him to pick up speed and plunge right into the audience. He was still talking about a $15 federal minimum wage after he landed on a woman a couple rows back.” At press time, Sanders had returned to the stage only to have his podium splinter and give way under the pressure of his extremely forceful slouching.
Bernie Sanders Refuses Flashy ABC Podium In Favor Of Own Humble, Homemade Lectern #~# GOFFSTOWN, NH—Saying he would not accept anything offered by the nation’s corporate elite, presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders reportedly refused to use the podium provided by ABC for Saturday’s Democratic primary debate in favor of his own modest, homemade lectern. “No, no—I don’t need some flashy, expensive podium when I can make one myself,” said the Vermont senator, waving off ABC producers as he dragged on stage his own crudely built lectern, cobbled together from several old two-by-fours and some reclaimed plywood from behind his garage. “Like millions of working-class Americans who can’t afford fancy luxuries, I made do with what I had. I won’t take a single thing from any moneyed interests who are just looking to buy influence, be it with campaign donations or shiny, illuminated podiums. That’s not what my campaign is about.” At press time, Sanders had reportedly electrocuted himself while attempting to wire a handmade microphone onto his podium.
Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice #~# GOFFSTOWN, NH—Describing it as a much-needed escape from the hype and pressure surrounding the event, aides from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign confirmed that the candidate has been taking it easy and kicking back ahead of Saturday’s Democratic debate with a few hours of intensive debate practice. “Secretary Clinton knows how important it is to feel relaxed and refreshed tonight, so she’s using this time to unwind by running repeatedly through each of Bernie Sanders’ main talking points and her rebuttals for every single one of them,” said campaign chairman John Podesta, adding that after a week of nonstop campaigning across the Midwest, Clinton was clearly enjoying her time off by mellowing out and rehearsing statistics about gun violence, unemployment, and illegal immigration while standing perfectly poised and attentive. “Taking a deep breath, putting up her feet, and just sparring on campaign finance reform and answering rapid-fire questions from our foreign policy prep team is what she really needs right now. It’s been great to see her just veg out like this.” At press time, Clinton had closed her eyes and sat back in her green room as she listened to a playlist of every one of Martin O’Malley’s media appearances on her iPod.
Top-Selling Christmas Gifts Of 2015 #~# Looking for ideas for what to get family and friends for Christmas this year? Here are the top-selling Christmas gifts in 2015.
‘Ghostbusters,’ ‘Top Gun’ Added To National Film Registry #~# The Library of Congress announced that the National Film Registry will now include Top Gun, Ghostbusters, and the world’s first copyrighted film, 1894’s Edison Kinetoscopic Record of a Sneeze, all of which “epitomize the diversity and richness of the nation’s cinematic heritage.” What do you think?
U.S. Executions At Lowest Level Since 1991 #~# The year 2015 saw 28 executions of death row inmates in six states, the lowest number in nearly 25 years due to shortages of lethal injection drugs and the nation’s shifting attitudes toward capital punishment. What do you think?
Guy Wearing Chewbacca Costume Torn Between Seeing ‘Star Wars’ And ‘The Big Short’ #~# BOSTON—Going back and forth between the two options as he approached the movie theater ticket counter, a man dressed in a full Chewbacca costume told reporters Thursday that he was torn between seeing Star Wars: The Force Awakens and the new financial film The Big Short. “I’ve been waiting for the new Star Wars movie to come out for a while, but then again, Brad Pitt’s supposed to be really good in this, and it could be cool to see [director] Adam McKay do a drama—jeez, I don’t know,” he said, adjusting his Wookiee mask and admitting that he just wasn’t sure whether he was more in the mood for an epic adventure film or an ensemble drama. “It’d be kind of interesting to hear the story behind the housing market collapse, but on the other hand, I’ve been camped out to see The Force Awakens for the past eight days. Actually, now that I’m looking at it, In The Heart Of The Sea sounds pretty good, too. Man, this is tough.” At press time, the man had removed the gloves of his Chewbacca costume to look up the Rotten Tomatoes score of each film on his phone.
New Law Could Ban European Teens From Social Media #~# Lawmakers are considering a controversial alteration to the European Data Protection Regulation that would require teens under 16 to gain parental consent to access sites such as Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, potentially barring thousands of teens from social media. What do you think?
Fan Just Going To Keep Open Mind About Whether New ‘Star Wars’ Best Or Worst Movie Ever #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to avoid making a judgment before he even enters the theater, local fan Mike Siedler confirmed Wednesday that he was going into tomorrow’s premiere with an open mind about whether Star Wars: The Force Awakens is the best or worst movie ever made. “It’s easy to jump to conclusions over such a highly anticipated movie, but I’m trying to be impartial about whether it’s the greatest thing I’ve ever seen or a colossal disappointment that will forever taint my treasured childhood memories,” said Siedler, adding that he would do his best to hold off on deciding if the film deserves to be immediately hailed as an all-time cinema classic alongside A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, or railed against as a crass commercial cash-in that makes the prequels look good in comparison. “I grew up on these movies, so I’m obviously bringing a lot of expectations, but I’ll try to be unbiased before determining if the new characters and storylines are an exciting direction for the series or a complete betrayal of everything Star Wars should be. Ultimately, if I can keep some perspective on whether J.J. Abrams is a genius who restored the magic and wonder of the Star Wars franchise or a talentless hack who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a film set, I’ll enjoy the movie more.” Siedler further added that he would refrain from deciding whether to spend half or all of his paycheck on The Force Awakens merchandise until after the film.
Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum #~# LAS VEGAS—His voice slowing during his response to a question about immigration as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to him, a visibly terrified Jeb Bush reportedly began to vanish from the visible spectrum while on stage at Tuesday night’s Republican debate. “Securing our nation’s borders has to be the first priority in our…our…oh…oh, God. What—what’s going on?” said Bush, who, upon noticing that he was growing fainter, raised his translucent hands in front of his face in apparent disbelief, staring through them in horror for several seconds before frantically launching into the rest of his platform. “Uh, we need more surveillance along the border, better enforcement of immigration laws that are already on the books, immigrants should have to learn English, uh, we gotta crack down on sanctuary cities, oh and also we must protect the Second Amendment, repeal Obamacare, lower taxes, and, and—no, no, no! Noooooo!” At press time, a CNN set technician had hurried onto the stage and wheeled Bush’s podium away as the dim remaining silhouette of the candidate faded from sight forever.
Japanese Women Sue For Right To Keep Surname #~# A group of five women are suing the Japanese government in an attempt to eliminate the 1896 law that requires couples to take the same surname when they marry, a law that they say violates their civil rights but which conservatives uphold as a means of binding families together. What do you think?
Snack Scientists Develop Previously Unthinkable Capacity To Stuff Cheese Inside Itself #~# ITHACA, NY—Describing it as one of the most groundbreaking achievements in their field, snack scientists at Cornell University announced Tuesday they had developed the never-before-possible capacity to stuff cheese inside itself. “While past advancements in snacking brought us as far as stuffing cheese between crackers, inside cylinders of pretzel, and into a continuous ring within pizza crusts, our latest breakthrough has unleashed the full potential of cheese as both a stuffing agent and a stuffing vessel simultaneously,” said head snack scientist Laurel Masterson, who led the research team as they methodically tested cheddar, American, Colby jack, pepper jack, and nacho varieties for their stability, viscosity, and volatility when injected with or otherwise encased by one another. “Not only do these findings redefine the very boundaries of what salty and savory treats are possible and usher in a bright future of previously unfathomable cheesy snacks, but now that we’ve stuffed cheese inside itself, we’ve opened up one of the most perplexing mysteries in the realm of theoretical snacking science: How many successive cheeses could conceivably be concentrically stuffed one into the next? Is there a finite limit, or could we keep stuffing cheese within cheese within cheese ad infinitum until we develop a treat of boundless snackability?” Masterson added that until controlled clinical tests could be conducted on the most hardened and experienced snackers, the results were not considered fit for human consumption.
Hoverboards Facing Increased Restrictions #~# Following several reports of hoverboards spontaneously combusting due to low-quality batteries, Amazon and Overstock have ceased to sell the product, and many airlines have taken steps to ban the boards from their flights due to safety risks. What do you think?
Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie #~# PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties. “Oh, Jesus, they’ve got tweed vests and everything,” said customer Tyler Healy, looking around with mounting alarm at the various bar employees who, sure enough, were sporting wax-sculpted mustaches and, Christ, garters on their arms. “It’s fine that there are no TVs in here, but come on, this old-timey piano music is a bit much. Oh dear lord, they refer to their drinks as “libations” on the menu. No, no, no!” At press time, Healy was frantically scrambling for the exit after one of the bartenders approached him and asked “What’ll it be, Mac?”
Tips For Presenting Your Best Self In Court #~# Brought to you by Ted 2
Bell Tolling Through PA System Portends Doom For Away Team Facing Third Down #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Claiming that the haunting din suddenly and without warning filled the air of the 63,000-seat arena, sources confirmed that a bell tolling through the University of Phoenix Stadium’s PA system Thursday night portended certain doom for the visiting Minnesota Vikings as they faced third down. “The bell’s ring—that horrible ring—is this an omen that our time with the ball is soon to end?” uttered fifth-year Vikings right guard Brandon Fusco as the sinister tones reverberated through the stadium speakers, cutting short quarterback Teddy Bridgewater’s play call and casting a chilling silence over the offense, the entire huddle reportedly feeling within their bones the shadowy approach of a failed third-down conversion. “Vile cacophony! O symphony of ruin! The kiss of death for an ill-fated drive, one forever doomed to perish without the necessary seven-yard gain for a first down. Lo, we must heed this telltale sign before it is too late!” At press time, the Vikings had converted the third down.
Breakup Coordinator Helps People Get Over Exes #~# A new service position, a so-called social media breakup coordinator, is assisting those who have recently exited relationships by erasing exes from the client’s social feeds, manipulating website algorithms to hide updates about those exes, and removing relevant contact info from clients’ smartphones. What do you think?
Dementia Patient’s Family Keeps Ripping Her Away From Idyllic World Of 1950s #~# VERO BEACH, FL—Frequently reminding her that the year is 2015 and that she no longer lives in suburban Pennsylvania, the family of dementia sufferer Evelyn Parker, 84, keeps brutally ripping her away from the soothing, idyllic world of the 1950s, sources confirmed Friday. “No, don’t you remember, Grandma? Bill’s gone now. He passed in 1998,” said Parker’s granddaughter Denise Wiley, jarring the woman from the blissful surroundings of a joyous family dinner around the dining room table of their newly purchased Levitt house in prosperous postwar America, and thrusting her back into the present moment in which her health, her mobility, and nearly every one of her joys in life had long since disappeared. “This isn’t Dellwood Avenue, Grammy. You haven’t lived in that neighborhood for almost 60 years. Just look around. You moved to Florida decades ago. See?” Wiley then reportedly spent 10 minutes trying to force her grandmother to take a medication that would dissolve away her evening’s plan of attending the premiere of Singin’ In The Rain with the charming, handsome young man who was courting her, and instead leave her sitting by herself in her small nursing facility apartment.
NYC Getting ‘High-Heel-Friendly’ Subway Grates #~# The MTA has announced the completion of its new ventilation facility, paired with new sidewalk grates that feature slip-resistant surfaces and smaller half-inch openings between crossbars to make them safer and more convenient for pedestrians wearing high heels. What do you think?
Pizza Hut Partners With University For New Curriculum #~# Manchester Metropolitan University is partnering with Pizza Hut to offer an apprenticeship program for students to spend time both in the classroom and at actual Pizza Hut locations, studying financial analysis, food production, and restaurant management. What do you think?
Nation’s Oppressed Christians Huddle Underground To Light Single Shriveled Christmas Shrub #~# UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Persecuted and driven into hiding because of their beliefs, the nation’s oppressed Christians reportedly huddled in a secret underground bunker late Wednesday night to decorate and light a single withered Christmas shrub.
Broncos Quietly Bury Peyton Manning In Unmarked Grave Next To Stadium #~# DENVER—Standing solemnly next to the patch of ground where the veteran quarterback’s body lay, members of the Denver Broncos organization quietly buried Peyton Manning in an unmarked grave next to Sports Authority Field at Mile High, sources confirmed Thursday. “You were a good quarterback…and a good man,” Broncos general manager John Elway said as he shoveled the last bit of soil onto Manning’s grave, leaving only a small mound of dirt to signify the longtime NFL star’s final resting place near the stadium’s Gate 8 entrance. “We’ll never forget you. Rest well, old friend.” At press time, the Broncos released a statement ruling Manning out for the rest of the season with a reoccurrence of the plantar fascia injury in his left foot.
Company To Turn Picasso School Into Woody Allen Museum #~# Barcelona’s trade unions are contesting one media company’s plan to open a Woody Allen museum at the site of Pablo Picasso’s former art school, a structure built in 1775 but unused since 2009, a proposal that the unions say caters much more to tourists than residents of the city. What do you think?
Tips For Throwing The Perfect Baby Shower #~# Every mother-to-be deserves a celebration of her upcoming arrival, and the best baby shower is one that fuses elegance with good fun. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing the perfect baby shower:
Family With 2-Hour Layover Sets Up Rough Shantytown At Airport Gate #~# CHICAGO—Sources passing through Terminal 3 of O’Hare International Airport on Thursday confirmed that a family on a two-hour layover has used the crude materials at their disposal to erect a makeshift shantytown in the vicinity of gate K3. Reports from the scene indicate the family of five has spread out over nearly a dozen seats, reinforcing the perimeter of their primitive settlement with a protective wall of piled-up winter coats, copies of celebrity-themed magazines, and numerous carry-on bags, many with their retractable handles fully extended to provide additional fortification. Within the encampment, a teenaged member of the group was seen sleeping on a rudimentary berth of sweatshirts and neck pillows that stretched across several adjoining seats, while a family elder was said to be keeping watch over the outpost’s borders in between games of Jewel Mania on her cell phone. As of press time, a single scout from the family had reportedly been dispatched from the colony to a nearby Auntie Anne’s to secure enough cinnamon-and-sugar-covered provisions to sustain the inhabitants for the long, harsh 40-minute flight delay that lay ahead.
Mike Pettine Worried Bengals Gave Rest Of League Blueprint To Beat Browns #~# CLEVELAND—Following a 37-3 loss that saw his team outperformed in nearly every phase of the game, Cleveland head coach Mike Pettine admitted his growing concern Wednesday that the Cincinnati Bengals may have given the rest of the league the blueprint for beating the Browns. “You know, Cincinnati completely shut down our offense and ran all over our defense, and now I’m worried that other teams are going to be able to study exactly how they did it,” Pettine told reporters, adding that he fears Sunday’s loss may have exposed some of the key weaknesses of his 2-10 team. “The Bengals totally figured us out. Any team that wants to know how to establish a passing rhythm against us or get to our quarterback will be able to figure it out just by watching the game tape from last week. It’s definitely a big problem moving forward.” Pettine went on to express some confidence that even if the Browns’ upcoming opponents attempt to recreate the Bengals’ game plan, most teams will hopefully lack the personnel to slow down their 32nd-ranked run game.
Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas #~# WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.
Veterans To Receive First Penis Transplants In U.S. #~# Following the success of such surgeries in South Africa, the first penis transplants will soon be performed in the U.S. on veterans who have sustained genital injuries while on tours of duty, fully replacing their damaged organs with those of deceased donors. What do you think?
Report Finds Populace Has Collective Goodwill To Come Together For Only 5 More National Tragedies #~# ‘We’re Going To Have To Be Very Selective,’ Say Researchers
Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship #~# PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents. “It’s so cute the way she and Harold get lunch together every day—I’m glad Nana’s made a friend,” said McGann’s daughter Jane Siebers, referring to the man who has been repeatedly fulfilling her elderly mother’s sexual needs for the past several months. “When she first got there, you could tell she was definitely lonely. But now, she’s always talking about all the fun she and Harold are having at the holiday party, the movie showings, and the other social events they put on there. It’s great she’s found someone to [provide her with frequent sexual pleasure and consistently bring her to climax].” Siebers added that during her most recent visit, her mother appeared the most alert and energetic she’d seen her since her late husband was around to fuck her on the regular.
Beijing Issues First Red Alert For Smog #~# The city of Beijing has issued its first smog-related red alert due to consecutive days of heavy air pollutants, urging schools to close down and restricting the number of cars on the roads. What do you think?
Study: Many People Moved By Falsely Profound Statements #~# A new study investigates the common traits among those who are most moved by pseudo-profound but ultimately meaningless statements, finding that this failure to detect nonsense could “cause one to confuse vagueness for profundity.” What do you think?
John Roberts Delivers Finishing Blow To Stephen Breyer To Defend Title Of Chief Justice #~# WASHINGTON—Finishing off the judicial pragmatist with his signature Flying Hammer Of Precedent, John Roberts reportedly dove from atop the Supreme Court bench Tuesday and delivered a final knockout blow to Stephen Breyer to retain the title of Chief Justice. “It’s all over! John Roberts is the undisputed head of the judicial branch!” said Supreme Court law clerk Jonathan Urick, adding that Roberts had maneuvered the dazed Breyer into position after hitting him with a flurry of dissenting chops, an Atomic Gavel Drop, and the punishing Procedural Powerslam. “What a battle! They were neck and neck right until the very end. Both men were bloodied and stumbling around the courtroom. But in the end, Breyer was worn down by the Habeas Corpus Choke.” Sources confirmed the brawl was the most entertaining Supreme Court matchup since Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg popped out from behind a marble column and smashed Scalia with a steel folding chair.
The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness #~# A key issue currently driving a wedge between political parties in the U.S. is the question of so-called political correctness, or the avoidance of language and actions that could be construed as exclusive, oppressive, or marginalizing of minority groups. Here are the pros and cons of political correctness in our national discourse:
‘This Will Be The End Of Trump’s Campaign,’ Says Increasingly Nervous Man For Seventh Time This Year #~# SALISBURY, MD—Repeating identical comments he had made in June, July, August, September, and twice in November, increasingly nervous local man Aaron Howe responded to Donald Trump’s call to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. Monday by once again stating this would be the end of the Republican frontrunner’s campaign, sources confirmed. “Well, that’s it—you just can’t say those kinds of things and expect to be taken seriously any longer,” said an anxious Howe, his voice quavering slightly as he spoke aloud the very same words he had previously uttered in reaction to remarks about Mexicans, women, the disabled, former POW John McCain, and a number of other targeted parties. “That’s the final nail in the coffin right there. There’s no way he’s coming back from this one.” At press time, a visibly tense Howe was steadily amassing the angst and exasperation that would be unleashed in his seventh expletive-filled exclamation of the year when he catches sight of the newest set of GOP poll numbers.
Astronaut To Run Marathon From Space #~# British astronaut Tim Peake, scheduled to depart for the International Space Station on December 15, plans to run the London Marathon next April while aboard the spacecraft by strapping into a treadmill that simulates normal gravity by applying downward force. What do you think?
Budget-Conscious Obamas Strongly Pushing Malia Toward UDC Community College #~# WASHINGTON—Repeatedly emphasizing the benefits of completing her core requirements at a fraction of the cost of a four-year school, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama continued their efforts this week to persuade their 17-year-old daughter, Malia, to attend the University of the District of Columbia Community College. “UDC has all the same classes you’d be taking in your first two years anyway, and this way you wouldn’t have to rack up a ton of debt before you’ve even figured out your major,” said the president, echoing his wife’s argument about how much money their daughter could save by commuting to a nearby city college rather than paying overpriced room and board fees, on top of a hefty tuition, at a large private university or elite liberal arts school. “The other great thing about UDC is that it would be much easier to get a part-time job at the mall or Starbucks or wherever so you could earn some extra spending money. Plus, you can always transfer later; your mom’s friend Gwen went to Cornell after two years at a community college. Anyway, the point is, a great education can come from anywhere, and UDC is every bit as good as any other school.” At press time, the Obamas were attempting to coax a reluctant Malia to at least check out the UDC website by promising to pitch in to help her buy a used car if she agreed to stay in town through her sophomore year.
So Help Me God, I’m Going To Eat One Of Those Multicolored Detergent Pods #~# Anybody who knows me will tell you the same thing: I get what I want. Whether it’s food, being held, my binky, you name it—if I decide I’d like it, you damn well better believe I don’t rest until I get it, one way or another. And from the very second I saw those blue and red detergent pods come out of that shopping bag last week, I knew immediately that, come hell or high water, I would eat one of those things. 
New Dating Site Caters To Disney Fans #~# A new dating website called Mouse Mingle seeks to connect people via a mutual love of Walt Disney films, pairing users according to their favorite Disney songs, characters, and park attractions. What do you think?
Al-Qaeda Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Radicalization Done Face-To-Face Rather Than Online #~# BARAMCHA, AFGHANISTAN—Shaking his head at all the new recruitment and indoctrination methods used by his younger counterparts nowadays, al-Qaeda member Khalid Al-Muthanna, 42, wistfully recalled to reporters Monday a time when radicalization was performed face-to-face rather than over the internet. “Back when I first got into jihad, we used to take the time to bring recruits to a real training camp and work with them one-on-one to instill a virulent fanaticism and bloodlust toward the West—now, it’s all done on message boards and chat rooms. Where’s the satisfaction in that?” said Al-Muthanna, sighing as he explained that he used to pride himself on spending weeks living in a community before carefully hand-selecting the most psychologically and financially troubled members to radicalize, rather than posting a blanket recruitment message on social media to just anyone. “It’s so rewarding to preach a hateful ideology directly to them and actually see the murderous rage grow in their eyes day by day. But with all these young extremists, it’s just Facebook this and Twitter that—everyone is glued to their computers. Nowadays, you don’t develop any real connection with your recruits before they go and blow themselves up. There’s just no human touch.” Al-Muthanna conceded that, despite all the drawbacks, he was glad that modern technology was allowing him and others to connect with so many people from all over the world.
Study Finds Majority Of Accidental Heroin Overdoses Could Be Prevented With Less Heroin #~# BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University, the majority of the nearly 9,000 accidental heroin overdoses that occur in the U.S. each year could easily be prevented if the victim were to take less heroin. “Our data clearly showed that, in more than 95 percent of cases, had the individual used a smaller amount of heroin than they actually did, their chances of overdosing on heroin would have been significantly lowered,” said the study’s co-author Natalie Czerbett, adding that the results were the same regardless of whether a reduced quantity of the drug was snorted, smoked, or injected. “While these findings are by no means a silver bullet, I think it’s fairly conclusive that putting less heroin into your body is a highly effective preventative measure against overdosing on heroin.” Czerbett suggested that further research was needed to determine whether heroin overdoses could be reduced even further by mixing the drug with less cocaine.
Halloween Decorations Blending In Nicely With Christmas Lights #~# PRAIRIE VILLAGE, KS—Regarding the overall cohesive visual effect with satisfaction, local man Thomas Lonergan told reporters Thursday how nicely his family’s Halloween decorations were blending in with their Christmas lights. “I wasn’t sure how it would all come together, but once I got those twinkle lights strung up on the porch, I noticed that they cast a pretty nice glow over the plastic skeletons and fake headstones we’ve left scattered across the lawn,” said Longeran, adding that the large inflatable ghost in the yard actually looked pretty close to a snowman when several reindeer were placed nearby it. “And actually, the hay from the pumpkin patch can just stay spread in front of the bushes for the Nativity scene. Huh. This is going to be less work than I thought.” At press time, Lonergan had just gone ahead and saved himself some time by repurposing the Crypt Keeper as one of the three Wise Men.
University Quickly Slaps Together Rinky-Dink Ceremony For Anyone Graduating In December #~# WHITEWATER, WI—Saying they hoped to keep the two-bit commencement under an hour in length, administrators at the University of Wisconsin–Whitewater announced Monday that they were quickly slapping together a rinky-dink ceremony for anyone graduating in December. “We just need to shit something out as fast as possible so students can get their diplomas,” said assistant dean Anita Barlow, adding that she would print out copies of a regular 8.5-by-11-inch sheet of paper with all the names of the graduates on it and call it a program. “We already booked a small classroom on a Wednesday evening two weeks from now, and we’ll have the vice chancellor or someone show up to the piddling little festivities. There won’t be any caps or gowns or anything, but we’re asking for people not to wear jeans—though really, who cares?” Barlow confirmed that the general manager from Fox News 6 in Milwaukee would deliver the commencement address.
God Refuses To Grant Any More Transcendent Near-Death Experiences To People Who Crash Snowmobiles #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying He was fed up with providing His divine assistance in such cases, the Lord Our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, proclaimed Monday He would no longer bestow transcendent near-death experiences upon people who crash their snowmobiles. “From now on, if you tear off into the woods on a snowmobile, hit a rock, and go flying headlong into a tree, do not expect to see a blissful white light or feel an overwhelming sense of peace at all,” said God, who added that the next time someone sustained life-threatening injuries while trying to snowmobile across a partially frozen lake after drinking heavily with their friends, the only thing they would experience would be a long, painful wait for an ambulance. “Let me be absolutely clear: If you go and do 90 on your Arctic Cat, smash your skull in, and are declared clinically dead for a few minutes, you absolutely will not get to glimpse Heaven, see My face, or even watch scenes from your life passing before your eyes—none of it. I’ve done all that for this one idiot three times already. Enough is enough.” The Lord added that, as always, people critically injured in hang-gliding accidents would still be allowed to meet all their dead relatives before waking up.
Men More Likely To Take Paternity Leave If Child Is Male #~# A recent study on workplace paternity leave programs found that while men are now more likely to take advantage of the time off than they were a decade ago, fathers are 50 percent more likely to take paternity leave for a son than for a daughter. What do you think?
Kobe Bryant Tears Up While Reflecting On All The Mistakes Teammates Made During His Career #~# LOS ANGELES—Having recently announced his impending retirement after 20 seasons in the NBA, Los Angeles Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant reportedly grew wistful and teary-eyed Friday while reflecting on all the mistakes his teammates made throughout his career.
Obama Returns From Paris Climate Talks With Couple Energy-Efficient Light Bulbs #~# WASHINGTON—Triumphantly displaying the fruits of his diplomatic talks with 150 fellow world leaders at the COP21 climate change summit in Paris, President Obama returned to the U.S. this week with a couple energy-efficient light bulbs. “The international community came together with a common agenda to limit the devastating effects of global warming, and after much negotiation, we were able to secure several energy-saving light bulbs for every nation in attendance, which will ensure a more sustainable future for our children and grandchildren,” said Obama, holding up the two-pack of 60-watt equivalent bulbs and adding that, while they were initially more expensive than traditional incandescent bulbs, the cost would be recouped over time, as LED bulbs last 40 to 50 times longer. “These bulbs use 75 percent less energy than typical lighting and are Energy Star certified, and that will make a significant impact toward limiting the damaging effects of climate change. And not only will these LED lights reduce the nation’s carbon footprint, but they will also save a considerable amount on monthly electricity bills. That’s good news for the planet and our wallets.” Obama conceded, however, that the agreement fell short of his initial hopes that every country would walk away from the summit with five energy-efficient light bulbs apiece and a low-flow toilet.
Hackers Access Children’s Names, Photos In VTech Breach #~# Toy manufacturer VTech is the latest target of a massive data breach in which hackers have obtained personal information via children’s tablet devices, gaining access to over 4 million adults’ and children’s names, photos, and chat logs. What do you think?
Black Friday Sees Record Gun Sales #~# The FBI reports that they performed a record number of background checks for gun sales on Black Friday, conducting roughly two per second, or 185,345 individual checks, breaking the previous record from December 2012 following the Sandy Hook massacre. What do you think?
Nick Saban Announces Plans To Wear Polo Shirt With Alabama Logo During Upcoming Game #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—Speaking at a press conference Friday ahead of this weekend’s SEC Championship Game, Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban officially announced plans to wear a polo shirt featuring the University of Alabama logo during his team’s upcoming matchup with the Florida Gators. “I would like to confirm that during our conference title game tomorrow, I will be wearing a short-sleeve polo shirt, which will also have an ‘A’ embroidered on the left breast pocket,” said Saban, who further clarified that the “A” adorning the polo shirt will be the same script typeface, uppercase “A” as the University of Alabama logo. “I have not yet decided whether the polo shirt will be a white polo shirt or a crimson polo shirt, or whether the collar will be the same color as the rest of the shirt, but I can reveal at this time that the shirt will be tucked into khaki pants, which will be fastened by a brown belt. Thank you.” At press time, university officials had declined to comment on newly circulating rumors that Saban will opt to wear a white long-sleeve shirt under the Alabama polo shirt if it is chilly out on Saturday afternoon.
Crowds Of Stock Traders Gather At Weeping Statue Of Wall Street Bull #~# NEW YORK—Hailing the phenomenon as a genuine economic miracle, droves of investors and financial professionals continued flocking to the Charging Bull statue in Lower Manhattan this week to see the tears reportedly flowing from its eyes.
Shamefaced Man Stands Stock-Still As Acquaintance Zips Up Backpack For Him #~# MEDFORD, OR—Overcome with humiliation after being stopped on his way out of the office and informed his backpack was wide open, local billing specialist Dennis Lee, 30, reportedly stood stock-still Friday as coworker Mike Faziola zipped the bag up for him. “Oh, hold on, your backpack’s open. Let me get that,” said Faziola, as Lee—standing in full view of numerous colleagues—gritted his teeth, bent his knees slightly, and squeezed his shoulder straps tightly in his fists while he waited for the act to be over. “There you go. Don’t want your stuff falling out onto the street.” Sources confirmed that Lee’s few remaining shreds of self-respect were then swept away when, without any warning, Faziola grabbed the shame-ridden man’s sweatshirt hood, which had gotten twisted and bunched up underneath his backpack, and straightened it out for him.
Japan Intends To Kill Whales Despite Global Outcry #~# Though conservationists worldwide have urged against the hunt, Japan has sent a whaling fleet into the Antarctic to kill 333 minke whales over the next three months for the purposes of “scientific research,” a claim actively disputed by other nations. What do you think?
Second Amendment A Little Creeped Out By How Obsessed Americans Are With It #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing its concern that the fixation had grown “a little out of control,” the Second Amendment of the United States Constitution reported Thursday that it was pretty creeped out by how obsessed Americans are with it. “At first, the constant attention was flattering, but at this point, it’s starting to get kind of weird,” said the legal statute ratified in 1791, explaining how unsettling it was to hear U.S. citizens talking about it all the time and see all the comments written about it online. “Look, I understand that I’m a constitutional amendment and there’s a lot of admiration that comes with that, but that doesn’t mean you have to completely worship me this way. It’s not healthy. Maybe try to find something else to focus on—there are other amendments, too, you know? The 17th Amendment is great.” The Second Amendment later admitted how relieved it was to be protected from “all the psychos out there” by a 3/8-inch-thick pane of bulletproof glass.
Authorities Say Country Still An Active Shooter Situation #~# Citizens Advised To Remain Alert, Stay Indoors
Holiday Lights Could Disrupt Wi-Fi Connection #~# According to a British communications agency, the wiring in holiday light displays can interfere with a home’s radio frequencies and disrupt its Wi-Fi connection, a phenomenon also caused by microwaves and baby monitors. What do you think?
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# SAN BERNARDINO, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in southern California in which two attackers killed 14 individuals and seriously injured 17 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Michigan resident Emily Harrington, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep these individuals from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past six and a half years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Greg Hardy Assures Tony Romo He’s Seen Ex-Girlfriends Come Back From Far Worse Injuries #~# DALLAS—In an effort to comfort the recovering quarterback after a broken collarbone sidelined him for the season, Dallas Cowboys defensive end Greg Hardy reportedly assured Tony Romo Wednesday that he has seen plenty of ex-girlfriends come back from far more serious injuries. “I know you’re feeling down right now, but listen, I’ve seen exes make full recoveries after being in much worse shape than you, trust me,” said Hardy, promising that if his last three girlfriends were all able to get back to normal following months of extensive physical therapy, there was no way a hairline fracture would keep Romo out for long. “I remember a girlfriend in college who got hurt really bad—Amanda actually ended up needing surgery—but she powered through it and eventually regained all the mobility in her shoulder. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?” At press time, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones had praised Hardy as “a fantastic teammate” and offered the defensive lineman a new five-year, $89 million contract.
Iowa Residents Mystified After Strange Sign Bearing Word ‘Kasich’ Appears On Roadside Overnight #~# MARION, IA—Gathering around the strange object and speculating about its possible significance, scores of Iowa residents were reportedly left mystified Wednesday morning after a single sign bearing the cryptic word “Kasich” inexplicably appeared on the side of the road overnight.
Adjunct Professor Hoping Some Student Leaves Behind Warm Pair Of Gloves Today #~# CHICAGO—After remarking upon the frigid temperatures and blustery conditions during his walk into work this morning, Michael Halloran, an adjunct professor of communications and media studies, expressed hope Wednesday that one of his students would leave behind a pair of warm gloves. “It’d be great if someone accidentally dropped a couple of nice, thick gloves on their way out of the classroom or just forgot about them on the corner of their desk,” the 41-year-old Ph.D. said after hurrying across a chilly campus to teach his third course of the day, noting that last month someone left behind an umbrella that “really helped [him] out.” “Wool would be great, or Gore-Tex maybe, though really I’d be happy with anything. I’m not picky. A mismatched pair would be fine, too. I’d even take one glove if that’s all there was. Maybe I could use the hand with the glove to carry my bag and keep the bare hand in my pocket.” At press time, sources reported that the adjunct professor had hit the jackpot when he came across a scarf under a chair.
IKEA Designs Refugee Shelters #~# The IKEA Foundation has announced its plan to aid Syrian refugees by unveiling a line of ready-to-assemble temporary shelters that feature steel frames and locking doors, with reps saying the product is a small step toward “allowing displaced people to live with dignity.” What do you think?
Police Ask NFL To Allow Armed Off-Duty Cops Into Games #~# The National Fraternal Order of Police has written a letter to the NFL urging the league to allow off-duty police officers to bring concealed firearms into football stadiums during games in order to help prevent attacks by ISIS or other terrorist groups that target large crowds. What do you think?
Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks #~# Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks: 
How To File A Patent #~# In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent:
$5 Computer Sells Out In One Day #~# Educational nonprofit Raspberry Pi has released a computer motherboard called the Zero that retails for just five dollars, selling out of the product in a single day and giving away an additional 10,000 free units with each copy of their print magazine’s December issue. What do you think?
EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source #~# WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source. “To ensure the continued health of our planet and our population, it is imperative that we come up with alternative sources of air before it’s too late,” said agency administrator Gina McCarthy, stressing the urgency of generating several trillion kilograms of fresh nitrogen and oxygen that the country could breathe. “While our current air remains sufficient for the time being, this will not be the case forever. And simply breathing less air is not the answer. The reality is that we can’t keep looking to our old, dirty atmosphere for our air needs.” McCarthy added that the initiative was ultimately just a temporary solution to the pollution problem until the nation could evolve away from lungs altogether.
I Always Thought Losing Your Sunglasses Was Something That Happened To Other People #~# Though we might not like to admit it, we tend to live our lives inside our own little bubbles, oblivious to others’ pain and sorrow. Sure, every so often you hear some terrible story of people suffering the unthinkable—complete strangers, friends of friends, or maybe even a coworker who’s suddenly struck by an unexpected loss. And while you can sympathize with their misfortune, you also usually think, “That will never be me. I’m different.”
How To Prevent Procrastination On Your Laptop #~# Brought to you by Intel
Rutgers University Offers Course On Beyoncé #~# Rutgers University in New Jersey will offer a course titled “Politicizing Beyoncé” as part of its Department of Women’s and Gender Studies, which will focus on the pop singer’s career as a means of studying gender, race, and sexual politics. What do you think?
Nation Terrified After Millions Lose Consciousness For 8 Whole Hours Last Night #~# WASHINGTON—The nation remained in a state of fear and panic this afternoon, following confirmed reports that hundreds of millions of Americans—nearly the entire population of the country—had fully and inexplicably lost consciousness for eight hours last night.
Report: Today The Day They Find Out You’re A Fraud #~# WASHINGTON—While experts agree you’ve been remarkably successful so far at keeping up the ruse that you’re a capable, worthwhile individual, a new report out this week indicates that today is the day they finally figure out you’re a complete and utter fraud.
Study Finds 60% Of Parents Too Busy With Divorce To Worry About Football Safety #~# EVANSTON, IL—According to a new study published this week by Northwestern University, an estimated 60 percent of parents are simply too tied up in lengthy divorce proceedings at the moment to worry about their child’s safety on the football field. “Our findings indicate that over half of parents who have a child playing football just don’t have the time between meeting with their attorneys and attending preliminary custody hearings to trouble themselves with statistics such as concussion and head injury rates,” said lead researcher Aaron Mabrey, adding that ensuing fights over property distribution and alimony have drastically limited the ability of most parents to monitor the health and safety risks of Pop Warner football. “While they certainly don’t want their kids to get hurt, it is understandably tough for most parents to worry about things like whether or not permanent brain damage is being inflicted on their child when they’ve got a pretty full schedule of hostile phone calls with attorneys, showing proof of fault, and hammering out visitation rights.” The report did find that, irrespective of the physical effects, football and other contact sports were a highly effective way for children of divorce to take out their anger and resentment toward their parents.
Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl XLVIII #~# Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII.
Earl Thomas #~# Strengths: Prominently featured in OSN’s Super Bowl guide; Came up with the “of” part in “Legion of Boom”
Richard Sherman #~# Strengths: Can read quarterback’s eyes and thereby understand his soul; Quickly moving fingers while in defensive stance at line of scrimmage; Excellent ability to recognize routes, wide receiver’s flaws
Marshawn Lynch #~# Strengths: Speed and size allow him to easily evade reporters; Works well with holes, openings, gaps
Russell Wilson #~# Strengths: Ability to evade Browns during 2012 Draft; As he’s only played in NFL for two years, still has life expectancy in the high 50s; Very active in the pocket community; Combines elusiveness with intelligence to avoid stupid conversations about his height
Pete Carroll #~# Strengths: Never throws in the towel, even if his team is up by 30 points; Extremely likable to anyone who can’t see through his bullshit
Terrance Knighton #~# Strengths: No longer a Jacksonville Jaguar; Helmet is natural outgrowth of head; Weight allows him to easily plug all holes and arteries
Champ Bailey #~# Strengths: Always introduces self to receiver at start of each play; Can turn a terrible defense into only a sort of terrible defense; Prevents separation by relying on safety to carry him after receiver
Wes Welker #~# Strengths: Always willing to take one for the team that results in permanent brain trauma; Runs routes that are imperceptible to the human eye
Peyton Manning #~# Strengths: Tuning out all the distracting noise from his in-helmet headset; Puts ball exactly where receiver can’t fuck everything up
John Fox #~# Strength: Product of the famed Jim Fassel coaching tree
Teacher Surprised The 2 Weird Kids Haven’t Hit It Off Yet #~# DAYTON, OH—Stating that the young pair of freaks seem like they would be perfect for each other, Jerger Elementary School third-grade teacher Karen Neel told reporters Thursday she was pretty surprised the two weird kids in her class hadn’t hit it off yet.
Pete Carroll’s Friends, Family Admit They’d Love To See Him Get Blown Out In A Super Bowl #~# NEW YORK—Conceding that they could not imagine anything more satisfying, sources closest to Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll admitted to reporters Thursday that they would love to see him get blown out in a Super Bowl. “Honestly, yeah, it’d be great to watch him get trounced by like 20, maybe 24 points on Sunday,” said lifelong friend Paul Tuchrello, expressing a sentiment similar to that of the rest of Carroll’s friends and family members who confirmed that they are privately hoping the coach will be absolutely humiliated in the biggest game of his nearly 40-year career. “If the Broncos wrap this thing up in the third quarter and we get to watch Pete despondently roam the sideline for another 35 or 40 minutes, I’d be thrilled. I mean, if the Seahawks got shut out that’d be incredible, but I’d settle for pretty much any scenario where he helplessly watches as his team gets dismantled in front of a hundred million people.” Those in Carroll’s inner circle added that watching the Seahawks come up one yard short as time expired would also be enjoyable.
Study: Liberals Drink More Than Conservatives #~# A study published in the Journal of Wine Economics, which analyzed data from all 50 states for a period of 50 years, found that blue states drank more liquor and beer than states that leaned right. What do you think?
Government To Pay You $3,000 To Get Flu #~# As part of an effort to create a better flu vaccine, the National Institutes of Health announced it will pay 100 individuals up to $3,000 each to volunteer to have the flu virus sprayed into their nostrils so that they become sick and then observe them over the next nine days in a hospital. What do you think?
Man On Vacation Suddenly Realizes No One Feeding His Hostages #~# KEY WEST, FL—Midway through his weeklong Florida vacation, Salt Lake City resident Travis Lawson reportedly panicked today upon suddenly realizing he hadn’t arranged for anyone to feed his hostages while he was out of town. “Oh man, I was in such a hurry to hit the road, I totally forgot to have someone come over to my place and make sure Dennis, Jean, and Carly get their daily meal,” Lawson told reporters, referring to his three neglected captives, one of whom, their captor lamented, had nobody to administer her insulin shots. “Just thinking about them all alone and scared, locked in their cages, not knowing if I’ll ever come back—it makes me feel awful. I don’t even think there’s any water in their bowls. I should probably call a buddy to go over and check in on them.” Lawson said he was hoping to avoid a repeat of last winter when he accidentally left his hostages tied up in the backyard, whereupon they died of exposure and he had to get new ones.
Justin Bieber’s Rise And Fall #~# Teen pop idol Justin Bieber was arrested earlier this month for allegedly driving under the influence and drag racing in Florida, marking the latest incident in a string of troubling behavior that reportedly includes drug use, throwing eggs at his neighbor’s house, and spray-painting graffiti in Brazil. Here is a timeline of Justin Bieber’s path from YouTube sensation, to global superstar, to front-page delinquent:
Area Woman Said ‘Sorry’ 118 Times Yesterday #~# ROCHESTER, MN—Having repeatedly apologized for incidents such as accidentally brushing up against other people on the train, stepping aside in an elevator, and reaching for the same coffee mug as a colleague at work, local 24-year-old Katie Simpson was overheard saying “sorry” nearly 120 different times yesterday, sources reported. “Sorry,” Simpson said softly under her breath Wednesday morning while walking past a coworker in the hallway, an occurrence that would be repeated 17 more times throughout the course of the day. “Sorry, sorry.” Sources also confirmed Simpson said “sorry” yesterday on at least two occasions while bumping into an inanimate object.
Gay Couple Weirded Out By Pope Francis Standing In Back Of Wedding Ceremony #~# BELLEVUE, WA—While emphasizing that they appreciated the pontiff’s support, local newlyweds John Greene and Adam Liu admitted today that they were nevertheless a little weirded out by Pope Francis standing in the back of their wedding ceremony on Saturday.
Al-Qaeda Operative Can’t Believe How Expensive Super Bowl Tickets Are #~# NEW YORK—According to high-ranking al-Qaeda sources, local operative Fasad al-Hashimi reportedly expressed disbelief Thursday over the exorbitant price of Super Bowl tickets, complaining that even the cheapest seats were listing at nearly $2,000. “I can’t imagine anybody wanting to go to this game more than me, but these prices are ridiculous,” said al-Hashimi, adding that only powerful corporate executives and wealthy celebrities could afford to attend the NFL championship game. “Such a rip-off. The fact that the Super Bowl is too expensive for the average person represents everything that is wrong with America.” At press time, al-Hashimi had reportedly decided to shell out $2,500 for a Super Bowl ticket, claiming that the cost was a worthwhile expenditure.
Providence, RI Named Most Godless City In U.S. #~# A new study by the American Bible Society found that Providence, RI is the least “Bible-minded” place in the nation, whereas Chattanooga, TN was declared the most “Bible-minded,” based on the number of residents who say they read the Bible and believe in its accuracy. What do you think?
Obama Vows To Raise Minimum Wage #~# President Obama delivered his annual State of the Union address last night, in which he most notably highlighted the income inequality gap in the United States and asked Congress to raise the federal minimum wage from $7.25 to $10.10 an hour. What do you think?
Horrified Man Suddenly Realizes He’s Putting Down Roots In Charlotte #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Suddenly stopping in his tracks as he boarded the Lynx blue line to go apply for a library card on Tuesday, local man Mark Collier came to the horrifying realization that he was putting down roots in the city of Charlotte, NC.
Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address #~# President Barack Obama delivered his annual State of the Union address last night, making numerous claims about his accomplishments in office and agenda for the year ahead. The Onion clarifies several of the president’s erroneous and ambiguous claims below:
Increasingly Worried Man Hasn’t Yet Come Across Any Guacamole In Burrito #~# LINCOLN, NE—His face displaying mounting distress with each successive bite, local man Dillon Hawks is nearly halfway through his burrito without yet having encountered any trace of guacamole, sources indicated Wednesday. “No, hold on, something’s not right; I’m not seeing any green. Where is it? Where’s the goddamn guacamole?” Hawks reportedly said, growing more concerned by the second as he repeatedly failed to strike the pocket of avocado-based sauce that ought to lie somewhere within the tortilla. “I’m pretty sure I ordered guac. No, I definitely did. So where the hell is it? Christ, there’s not much of this thing left, is there? Oh, this is bad. This is very bad.” At press time, sources confirmed Hawks had hit the mother lode.
Area Grandma Enjoys Flourishing Correspondence With Mailer-Daemon #~# PALM BEACH GARDENS, FL—Saying it provides a pleasant and rewarding diversion from the quietness of living alone, local grandmother Rosemary Burke confirmed Wednesday that she has been enjoying a thriving correspondence with Mailer-Daemon. “Seeing a new message in my inbox is always the brightest part of my day,” said the 78-year-old of her frequent email conversations with the failed-delivery status notification, noting that she makes time nearly every afternoon to sit down at her computer, compose her thoughts, and continue the ongoing 14-month exchange. “It’s just so nice to have someone with whom I can talk about my life and discuss my health concerns. And I love sharing old stories and recipes, too. It’s such a delight.” Burke added that she had recently sent a message informing the server-generated non-delivery report of the recent passing of a close friend, and was comforted to receive an almost immediate response.
How Russia Is Preparing For The Winter Olympics #~# With the 2014 Winter Olympics just days away from opening in the resort city of Sochi, Russian officials are making their final arrangements for hosting and securing the global sporting event. Here are the preparations and precautions that Russia has taken ahead of the games:
Man Getting Screwed By Company’s $180,000 Health Deductible #~# BOULDER, CO—Noting that his out-of-pocket costs seemed a little high, recently hired marketing assistant Jerry Aarons, 32, told sources Tuesday that he is beginning to suspect he’s getting screwed over by his health plan’s $180,000 deductible. “At my last job my annual deductible was only around $900 for the same coverage, so this seems a little off the mark,” said Aarons, recalling how the plan had looked like a good deal on paper because once he pays the $180,000, he’d only be responsible for 60 percent of the subsequent costs plus no co-pay for preventative care. “After signing up, I did some rough estimates and I was like, ‘Oh man, I have to go to the doctor 400 times and have 26 elective surgeries before this becomes worth it.’ You know, I bet this plan is probably meant for an older person whose health isn’t as great.” At press time, Aarons was also starting to question the value of having a 401(k) that can’t be touched until he’s 130.
Media Relieved They Don’t Have To Deal With Fucking Harbaughs This Year #~# NEW YORK—Grateful to interview anyone but the two head coach brothers, members of the sports media expressed on Wednesday their unanimous, unequivocal relief that they didn’t have to put up with those goddamn Harbaughs while covering this year’s Super Bowl. “Thank fucking Christ,” said NESN reporter Doug Kyed, adding that he “just could not handle” sitting through any more terse, hostile press conferences with that asshole Jim or pretending to care that John was always the supportive brother. “Compared to that god-awful Harbaugh shit, John Fox is nothing—he just shuts up and lets Peyton Manning go. Hell, even Carroll’s fine. Give me Pete Carroll any day of the week if it means I never have to talk to another fucking Harbaugh again.” Media personnel were reportedly further relieved after realizing they wouldn’t have to watch Joe Flacco take a single snap on Sunday.
Dad Delivers State Of The Union Rebuttal Directly Into Television Screen #~# PHILADELPHIA—Reiterating numerous themes from last year’s rebuttal while offering several searing critiques of tonight’s speech, area dad Bill Shaw delivered his official response to President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address tonight directly into the television screen, household sources reported. “Well, there you go, folks—same canned lines we’ve been hearing for the last two years with a couple of empty nods to the little guy, just how I said it would be,” the area father of two said, squaring his body toward the front of the family room and looking directly into the television set as he delivered his impassioned thoughts on the issues of immigration, health care, the middle class, China, that holier-than-thou look Obama always has on his face, and the Toyota Prius. “Country’s a goddamn mess, and this is the explanation we get. Complete load of horseshit.” At press time, sources reported that although Shaw avoided major gaffes and missteps, the speech nevertheless fell short of the 2009 joint rebuttal delivered by Grandpa and Uncle Dan.
Obama Admits U.S. Hasn’t Been The Same Since Buddy Holly Died #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that the time was right to come to terms with a difficult and enduring chapter in America’s history, President Obama admitted during his State of the Union address Tuesday night that the United States “just hasn’t been the same” since the death of music legend Buddy Holly.
Obama Throws Small Business Owner Into Seat, Tells Him To Just Smile And Keep His Fucking Mouth Shut #~# WASHINGTON—While meeting with the official White House invitees to the State of the Union address ahead of tonight’s speech, President Barack Obama reportedly shoved 39-year-old Tulsa-area auto parts store owner Jeff Cavendish into a seat in the Congressional gallery and told him to “just smile and keep [his] fucking mouth shut” for the duration of the night. “Listen, I’m going to mention your story, the camera’s going to cut to you, Michelle will look your way and give you a supportive nod, and you just sit there with your goddamn trap closed and a big fucking happy grin across your fat face—you think you can handle that?” said Obama, jutting a finger into Cavendish’s sternum and telling him that as long as he kept his ass in the seat and didn’t make a goddamn peep, he couldn’t fuck up too bad. “What’s your name? Greg? Joe? Doesn’t fucking matter. Tonight it’s Greg. You have two kids—Hayley and Blake or something—your wife just took a job as a cashier to make ends meet, and you got a small business loan from the government and it’s working out great. You got all that? Because you better fucking remember whatever I say about you if anyone follows up.” The president then reportedly told the woman seated next to Cavendish that she “sure as shit” better look sad when he mentions how her mother was deported, as he was going to be “pushing that immigrant shit hard tonight.”
Vial Of John Paul II’s Blood Stolen From Church #~# Thieves stole a Catholic relic that contained blood from the late pope John Paul II from a church in central Italy over the weekend, prompting a major police search in the area. What do you think?
‘Lean In’ To Be Made Into Movie #~# Facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg’s 2013 bestseller Lean In, which aims to empower women in the workplace, is slated to be turned into a movie by Sony Pictures and likely directed by Aaron Sorkin. What do you think?
Aides Advise Obama To Avoid Any Mention Of America During State Of The Union Speech #~# WASHINGTON—Ahead of Tuesday night’s highly anticipated State of the Union address, top White House aides reportedly sat down with President Barack Obama and advised him to maintain a positive and optimistic tone throughout the speech by avoiding any mention of the United States of America. “We feel it’s best to steer clear of topics that may cast the administration in an unfavorable light, so we urged the president to gently skirt the issue of America and any related subjects for the duration of his address,” said White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough, adding that they hoped to deny Republican opponents of any ammunition for their rebuttal by instructing Obama to refrain from talking about the U.S., any one of the 50 states, or the American populace at all. “The country has been a really thorny issue for the president, so given the importance of this occasion and the number of people watching, we recommended that the president just stay away from using any loaded terms that might stir up negative associations with listeners, such as ‘the United States,’ ‘our nation,’ or ‘my fellow Americans.’” White House sources later confirmed that Obama’s State of the Union speech is estimated at seven minutes long and will focus largely on The Rolling Stones’ widely popular 1972 album Exile On Main St.
6-Day Visit To Rural African Village Completely Changes Woman’s Facebook Profile Picture #~# ST. LOUIS—Calling the experience “completely transformative,” local 22-year-old Angela Fisher told reporters Tuesday that her six-day visit to the rural Malawian village of Neno has completely changed her profile picture on Facebook. “As soon as I walked into that dusty, remote town and the smiling children started coming up to me, I just knew my Facebook profile photo would change forever,” said Fisher, noting that she realized early in her nearly weeklong visit just how narrow and unworldly her previous Facebook profile photos had been. “I don’t think my profile photo will ever be the same, not after the experience of taking such incredible pictures with my arms around those small African children’s shoulders. Honestly, I can’t even imagine going back to my old Facebook photo of my roommate and I at an outdoor concert.” Since returning, Fisher said she has been encouraging every one of her friends to visit Africa, promising that it would change their Facebook profile photos as well.
Doctor Quickly Scribbles Prescription That Will Lead To 30-Year Battle With Painkiller Addiction #~# TAMPA, FL—After a brief consultation with new patient Dan Highland, local primary care physician Dr. Harold Schlesinger quickly scribbled down a prescription that will touch off a self-destructive 30-year battle with painkiller addiction, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I gave you a few refills in case the pain lingers,” said Schlesinger, casually handing over a slip of paper that effectively set in motion three decades of compulsive abuse of opioids, a torturous cycle of detox and relapse, and a dark, drawn-out period of pain and anguish that will not only consume Highland, but his family members and friends as well. “Let me know if this dosage isn’t strong enough, and I’ll either bump you up or we’ll get you on something new.” Schlesinger quickly added that while it’s recommended that patients not drink alcohol while on the prescription, in practice Highland should “just use moderation.”
Kid Figures He’ll Go Down Slide 35 More Times Then Call It A Day #~# SALEM, OR—After going down a slide in Riverfront Park 13 consecutive times this afternoon, Bradley Hall, 6, told sources that he would probably go down the same slide about 35 more times and then call it a day. “I see myself sliding down 30, 35 more times; maybe do a few on my stomach headfirst, a few backwards, see where it takes me,” explained Hall before climbing up the slide’s ladder, sitting down at the top, and going down the slide. “I’ll play it by ear, you know? I might stop halfway down with my legs and try to run back up. Nothing’s set in stone.” As of press time, Hall had decided to take a quick break after his 28th trip down the slide in order to spin in circles and screech.
Report: Everyone You’ve Ever Had A Crush On Secretly Had A Crush On You, They Still Do, And They’re Waiting For You #~# PALO ALTO, CA—A comprehensive report released this week by researchers at Stanford University affirmed that everyone you’ve ever had a crush on in your entire life also secretly had a deep crush on you, they continue to hold these strong, unreconciled feelings, and they are out there right now, just waiting for you to get in touch with them.
Surgeon General Advises Being 19 Years Old With 100 Bucks In Your Pocket And Your Whole Life In Front Of You #~# WASHINGTON—Delivering his weekly address to members of the press Tuesday, acting U.S. Surgeon General Boris Lushniak advised all Americans to be 19 years old with $100 in their wallets and the rest of their lives still ahead of them.
Cold Temperatures Help With Weight Loss #~# A recent study showed that exposure to lower temperatures forces the body to burn more calories in order to keep a steady internal temperature of 98.6 degrees, with scientists suggesting that turning down the thermostat could help people shed pounds. What do you think?
Highlights From Last Night’s Grammys #~# The 56th annual Grammy Awards were held last night in Los Angeles and featured dozens of live performances and memorable musical collaborations. Here are some of the highlights from the biggest night in music:
Queen Latifah Officiates 34 Weddings At Grammys #~# Queen Latifah officiated the weddings of 34 couples—straight, gay, old, young, and of various races and ethnicities—live at the 56th Grammy Awards last night during a performance of the song “Same Love” by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. What do you think?
Aaron Eckhart Likes To Make One Frankenstein Movie For Them, One Frankenstein Movie For Himself #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying that he has always tried to balance his workload between projects that appeal to him as an actor and those with broader commercial appeal, film star Aaron Eckhart told Hollywood reporters today that he likes to alternate between making big-budget Frankenstein movies for the broader public, and making more intimate, personal Frankenstein movies for himself. “If you want to stay in this business for the long haul it’s always going to be a balancing act, but luckily I’ve found a formula that works for me: I do one major studio Frankenstein movie, and then another subtler, more raw Frankenstein picture for the festival circuit,” said the 45-year old celebrity, explaining that taking the leading roles in heavily marketed Frankenstein blockbusters afforded him the freedom to “really focus on [his] craft” and get lost in smaller, often foreign independent Frankenstein films. “At this point in my career, would I prefer to focus solely on the more nuanced Frankenstein projects that are really meaningful to me? Sure, of course. But I can’t complain. As long as I get to tell the deeper, layered Frankenstein stories I want to tell on the screen or stage, I’m happy to sign on for a flashy Frankenstein popcorn flick for the masses. It works out well.” Eckhart added that he rarely gets to make a passion project that also happens to be a big-budget studio film with four-quadrant appeal like I, Frankenstein, but when it happens, “it’s the best feeling in the world.”
New Dating Website Helps Plus-Size Jewish Plane Crash Survivors Find Love #~# NEW YORK—With its promise to help users “find that special someone,” the new dating website jcrashplus.com launched earlier this month, inviting all single Hebraic peoples with a BMI above 25 who have lived through an airline crash to start a free trial membership. “Since I joined JCrashPlus, I’ve already been on three dates with Jewish girls over 200 pounds who escaped from smoke-filled aircraft cabins via an emergency slide. I couldn’t be happier,” Brooklyn, NY resident Josh Green said of the website, which allows members to filter their search for Orthodox, Conservative, or Reform Judaism, cause of crash, and most frequent late-night snack craving. “Believe it or not, I even came across a girl who survived the same crash as me, but she was a little too thin and devout for my tastes.” Green went on to state that he isn’t looking for a long-term girlfriend right now, just a casual hookup with whom he can go to Buffalo Wild Wings after Shabbat services and trauma counseling.
Area Child Disappointed To Learn Parents’ Love Unconditional #~# IRVINE, CA—Saying he doesn’t even feel like trying anymore, 8-year-old Max Bledsoe expressed his strong disappointment Monday after learning that his parents’ love is unconditional. “I always thought they loved me because I’d actually earned it, but unfortunately it turns out that their affection is apparently limitless,” said a frustrated Bledsoe, wondering aloud the point of doing well in school, learning how to play the piano, and always going to bed before 9 p.m. if his parents were just going to keep on loving him no matter what. “Look at me: I just wasted the last three years of my life trying to win their approval by being a good kid. And for what? To get the love that was coming to me anyway?” Bledsoe added that he envied his adopted younger brother, who really has to work for his parents’ love.
Last Hoosier Dies In Captivity #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Americans across the country mourned Saturday after the world’s last remaining Hoosier, Austin, died in captivity inside the Indiana University research center and preserve, where it lived out the final years of its life. “This is a trying day for the residents of this state who have long felt a spiritual connection with these native creatures,” said Dr. Roger Sanburn, who spent the last six years with the Hoosier and described the species as generally meek, but scrappy. “He was a beautiful specimen, a 6-foot-3 Caucasian subset, who loved big meals of chicken and mashed potatoes, and whose favorite activity was playing basketball with the scientists and research assistants who studied him.” Sanburn confirmed that attempts to breed the endangered Hoosier over the past several years proved unsuccessful due to rejection from females.
Cat Teahouse To Open In San Francisco #~# A teahouse called KitTea is seeking to open in San Francisco and provide a place for patrons to sip tea and mingle with approximately 10 cats, which will be selected for their temperament from a local rescue service. What do you think?
Album That Has Nothing On Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rumours’ Wins Grammy Award #~# LOS ANGELES—Recognized with one of the ceremony’s most coveted awards, an album that doesn’t even begin to stack up to Fleetwood Mac’s quintessential musical achievement Rumours reportedly won Album of the Year at the Grammys on Sunday night. “Wow, what an honor,” said the recipient of the statuette, an individual who sources confirmed could never create anything even remotely on par with what is indisputably the finest and most well-honed artistic statement in rock music, and, furthermore, who isn’t one-tenth the songwriter that Lindsey Buckingham is. “I just [don’t deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as the brilliant musicians behind Rumours, a record that since its release has captivated millions with its ingenious yet playful compositions, flawless production, and sheer emotional resonance. The Mac’s 1977 masterpiece is truly without parallel, and modern-day pop acts such as myself can only dream of ever of creating anything that begins to approach its unsurpassed brilliance]. Thank you.” According to ceremony attendees, the presentation of the Best Album award followed the evening’s previous announcement of the winners of Best Pop Solo Performance, Song of the Year, and Best New Artist, not one of whom wrote or played on “You Make Loving Fun.”
Jay Z Honored To Be Nominated In Same Category As Jay Z #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying that he was thrilled to be considered alongside such a talented and respected musician, hip-hop artist and 2014 Best Rap Album Grammy nominee Jay Z told reporters today that he feels “deeply honored” to be nominated in the same category as Jay Z. “When I saw the list of Grammy nominees and realized that I was up for the same award as musical pioneer and industry legend Jay Z, I was completely blown away,” said Jay-Z, who noted that he’s “a huge fan” of all of Jay Z’s songs and that he considers Jay-Z to be the one of greatest artists of his generation and a personal inspiration. “It feels great just to have my album Magna Carta…Holy Grail nominated this year, but for it to even be mentioned in the same breath with a flawless album like Jay Z’s Magna Carta…Holy Grail is a humbling experience and one that I truly cherish.” Jay Z then told reporters that, regardless of who wins tonight’s award, he knows that Jay Z is the artist who truly deserves it.
Macklemore Reminds Grammys Audience About CDs Available For Sale In Lobby #~# LOS ANGELES—Immediately following his performance Sunday night at the 56th annual Grammy Awards, Seattle-based rapper Macklemore politely reminded audience members at the Staples Center that he had CDs and other merchandise available for purchase in the lobby. “Make sure to drop by and see us after the show, because we’ve got CDs, posters, decals, and I think T-shirts, too, if we remembered to bring them,” the recipient of seven Grammy nominations said while gesturing toward a small folding table near the rear of the auditorium and noting that he was currently running a deal of $10 for one CD or $15 for two. “Ryan [Lewis] is over there right now, and I’m about to go join him, so please stop by and say hi. Also, don’t forget to sign our mailing list, if you haven’t already! Thanks, everybody.” At press time, sources reported that Macklemore and Lewis were explaining to a customer that while they weren’t set up to take cards, they did accept cash and would be glad to make change for a 20.
Giddy Thom Yorke Goes To Bed Early To Make Grammy Day Get Here Sooner #~# OXFORD, ENGLAND—So unable to contain his excitement he was nearly squealing aloud with glee, giddy Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke reportedly went to bed as early as he could Saturday night in an effort to make the morning of the Grammy Awards get here sooner. “Grammy day is my favorite day in the whole wide world,” a giggling Yorke said as he eagerly snuggled up beneath his covers, his bedroom strewn with drawings of Grammy statuettes and magazine cutouts of today’s biggest pop superstars. “I get to see all my favorite singers perform on one big stage, and there are bright lights and neat costumes and tons of funny jokes about music. It’s the most fun day ever! I wish I had a time machine so I could make it be Grammy day right now.” According to sources, Yorke then briefly scurried out of bed so he could lay out his Grammy outfit, making sure it was ready to go for the big day.
Pope Calls Internet ‘Gift From God’ #~# In a statement yesterday, Pope Francis called the internet “truly good” and labeled it “a gift from God,” saying that it brought humanity closer together. What do you think?
Songs That Are Always On In Background Expected To Win Big At Grammys #~# LOS ANGELES—With the 56th Grammy Awards just days away, industry experts are predicting that the songs that are always playing at moderate volume from ceiling-mounted speakers in retailers, gas station canopies, and mall food courts will take home the biggest awards at Sunday’s ceremony. “It is bound to be a huge night for that song that was playing in the movie theater before they started the trailers and the other one that you kind of know from when you go out to eat lunch—both are virtual locks for Grammy gold,” said L.A. Times music critic Randall Roberts, who noted that the song from that car commercial that your coworker sometimes absentmindedly hums was a also a strong contender for Record of the Year. “Any of the songs that you’ve learned most of the chorus to through shopping at clothing stores or supermarkets but couldn’t actually name—those are the ones you should be watching Sunday night. Basically, if you’ve heard a Jeep go by blaring it a couple of times in the past few months, it is almost certain to take the night’s top honors.” Roberts confirmed that the songs that you turn on to drown out those in the background were not nominated.
Mascot Absolutely Reeks #~# SYRACUSE, NY—Saying that they probably never clean the thing, sources confirmed Friday that Syracuse University’s mascot Otto the Orange absolutely reeked as he wove his way in and out of stands. “Oh God, I can smell him from here; it’s like a mixture of body odor and piss,” said student Dave Wringer as the large polyester orange made its way up the aisle toward him, the heavy scent of sweat and mildew reportedly wafting all around the costume. “Get him away from me—he smells fucking awful. That’s clearly soda somebody spilled on his side, but I don’t know what that black shit caked on him is. He’s disgusting.” After making his way through the student section, the Orange was reportedly approached by a young fan hoping for a hug.
Before-And-After Airbrushing Image Alerts Fashion Industry To Evil Of Its Ways #~# NEW YORK—The entire fashion industry entered a severe crisis of conscience on Thursday after an online image revealed the manipulation of a photograph to enhance a model’s apparent youth and beauty. “My God…all these years. What savagery have we been perpetrating upon women’s self-esteem?” shouted graphics editor Mitch Collins of Elle magazine moments after viewing the side-by-side comparison of the original session photo with an altered version in which wrinkles were erased, the waist narrowed, and legs elongated. “We’ve concocted an unattainable standard of outer beauty and tacitly pressured women everywhere to conform to it at all costs. We’re monsters.” In response to the exposé, all major fashion companies have withdrawn their entire spring lines, donated all 2013 profits to charity, and shut down operations in order to personally apologize to every woman who has suffered because of their “barbaric photo editing.”
23% Of Americans Didn’t Read Book Last Year #~# A Pew Research Center poll found that nearly 1 in 4 Americans had not read a single book or e-book in the past year, nearly tripling the figure from 1978, when only 8 percent of Americans hadn’t read a book during the preceding 12 months. What do you think?
Man Briefly Forgets Hotel Staff Are Not Humans #~# SAN FRANCISCO—During his stay at the San Francisco Hilton Thursday, 34-year-old Peter Adler momentarily forgot that the maids, doormen, and other staff of the hotel were not actually human beings, sources reported. “I found myself actually walking up to this cleaning lady and speaking words to her before realizing she’s just some non-human attendant thing—it totally slipped my mind to just ignore her existence entirely,” said Adler, who caught himself looking one of the subhuman creatures directly in the eye in the lobby. “They’re all so lifelike, sometimes I realize I’m making eye contact with one of them or even smiling at them as if they’re real people. I keep forgetting to just walk right by and act like they’re not even there.” Sources confirmed that at one point Adler almost picked up the towels off the bathroom floor before remembering there were things that can do that for him.
Justin Bieber Arrested For DUI, Drag Racing #~# Nineteen-year-old pop icon Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach, FL this morning on charges that he drag raced a Lamborghini down a residential street and then failed a field sobriety test, with each offense potentially netting Bieber up to six months of jail time. What do you think?
Nation’s Lunatics Lament Rising Cost Of Car Meat #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that the rising price of the commodity has begun to “burn their gumlines,” millions of American lunatics admitted this week that they have been struggling to afford adequate amounts of car meat, an essential staple of the lunatic diet.
Campus Tour Guides Reminded To Use Official Name For Rape Hall #~# RACINE, WI—Speaking with a group of campus tour guides today, the University of Wisconsin-Racine’s undergraduate residential life coordinator Richard Matta reportedly asked the assembled students to please refer to the south lawn freshman dormitory by its official name, and not as Rape Hall. “Please, guys, when you’re with prospective students, let’s all make sure we say ‘Thayer Hall,’” Matta said, reminding the volunteers that the unofficial nickname for the suite-style housing facility was unfortunate, as were the popular monikers for fraternity row, the athletic center, the sophomore quad and the all-women’s dormitory tower, and that none of them were appropriate for a campus tour group. “I know that’s what everyone calls it, but when you’re out there as a guide, I’d really appreciate it if you’d refrain from calling Thayer ‘Rape Hall.’ Just point out the fact that it has cable and move on. ” The tour guides were also instructed not to refer to the bus that shuttles students from the dorms to the upperclassmen university apartments as the fuck truck.
High School Quarterback Starting To Suspect Friendship With Nick Saban Founded On Ulterior Motives #~# LUFKIN, TX—Despite enjoying the constant attention and lengthy chats on the phone every night, 16-year-old quarterback prospect Colby Spear told reporters Thursday that he is beginning to suspect his friendship with University of Alabama head coach Nick Saban was founded on ulterior motives. “Coach Saban introduced himself to me right after I started breaking the passing records at my school, and it did seem kind of weird, but I just assumed he wanted to make friends with someone who loved football as much as he does,” said Spear, adding that Saban, like all the other adults he knows, mostly just marvels at how fast he’s growing and asks boring questions about his plans for college. “Still, I can’t shake the feeling that he wants something from me. Maybe it’s the way he’s always complimenting my intangibles, suggesting I’d be great in a pro-style offense, or telling me I’d look really sharp in crimson and white.” Spear, who did not want to rush to judgment, reportedly plans to run his theory past some of his other friends, specifically Louisiana State University football coach Les Miles when the pair meet for lunch next week.
More Hollywood Celebrities Reproducing By Asexual Budding #~# LOS ANGELES—With more and more celebrities sprouting exact genetic copies of themselves through a process of cellular division, the hot new trend of asexual budding has rapidly become the most popular method of reproduction in baby-crazed Tinseltown, sources said Thursday.
Study Finds Marine Life Now Global Leader In Oil Imports #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study published Wednesday by the U.S. Department of Energy, marine life has surpassed the world’s major industrial powers as the largest global importer of oil. “The number of barrels of crude oil that sea creatures import has been increasing sharply for decades, and in the past few years, ocean ecosystems have overtaken China, the European Union, and the United States to become the number-one destination for OPEC exports,” said the study’s lead author, Gabriel Vogt, noting that global oil companies have been steadily increasing the number of tankers and offshore platforms that deliver oil directly to fish, seals, marine birds, corals, turtles, and various other ocean creatures. “And given current oil drilling and shipping technologies and industry regulations, imports by marine organisms show no sign of abating. At this point, sea life has simply grown accustomed to cheap and abundant oil—it’s just an everyday part of their lives.” Vogt added that oil appeared to be incredibly popular among ocean life based on the thousands of marine species that consume petroleum products each year.
Report: Most Americans Can’t Even Name Their State’s Shadow Lord #~# WASHINGTON—In a discouraging indicator of the nation’s diminishing civic awareness, a report released this week by Gallup revealed that the vast majority of Americans are unable to name their state’s current shadow lord. “Our survey found that less than a quarter of the citizens of any given state are capable of identifying their district’s shadow lord, and even fewer could identify his blood sigil or even the parcel of the Dark Penumbra over which he holds dominion,” lead researcher Linus Wetzel said of the findings, which also showed that 92 percent of U.S. residents were incapable of locating their state’s House of Revenants on a map, and only 6 percent could recall a single one of the 12 writs that dictate the proceedings of the Collective. “Additionally, our research shows that a mere 1 in 3 Americans are able to remember the name of the Grand Orchestrator, even though it’s his face that appears in the visions and his voice that rises in the winds.” Given the study’s findings, Wetzel said it was unsurprising that less than half of Americans of fertile age even show up every four years to cast their ashes and choose the Selected.
Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Citing the pastry’s sublime, inviting aroma and the alluring glint reflecting off its glaze, sources confirmed Thursday that a beautiful cinnamon roll was simply too pure for this world, too perfect. “Look at this angelic confection. Never in my life have I laid eyes on such an immaculate swirl, nor glimpsed a crust as delectably golden brown in hue,” exclaimed bakery customer Kristen Garding before realizing that perhaps such a flawless, delicate work of art was not meant for this earthly realm. “Alas, we toil in far too cold and dark a world for such cinnamoned purity as this, such perfection, whose rich, buttery brilliance conjures the divine.” As of press time, the cinnamon roll had been purchased along with a medium cup of coffee.
How To Protect Your Personal Information Online #~# Following the recent data breach at retail giant Target, which exposed credit card numbers and personal information of as many as 110 million people, many Americans have grown concerned about their safety and privacy online. Here is The Onion’s guide to keeping your personal information secure from hackers:
World’s 85 Richest As Wealthy As Half Global Population #~# According to a study by Oxfam International, the 85 richest people in the world have a combined net worth of $1.7 trillion, which is equal to the total combined wealth of the nation’s poorest 3.5 billion residents, or half the global population. What do you think?
Warren Buffett Offering $1 Billion For Perfect NCAA Bracket #~# Warren Buffett, the world's fourth-richest person, is offering a $1 billion prize to anyone who can accurately predict the outcome of every game in this year’s NCAA men’s basketball tournament, though statisticians estimate even the most knowledgeable fan only has a one-in-a-billion chance of filling out a perfect bracket. What do you think?
Interns Treated To Informative 30-Minute Q&A Session With Totally Miserable Employees #~# NEW YORK—In a welcome break from their normal day-to-day schedule, reports confirmed that the winter class of interns at local web design firm Kapper Media, Inc. were treated to a highly informative 30-minute question-and-answer session Wednesday afternoon with an utterly miserable and downtrodden assortment of company employees.
Inclement Weather Prevents Liar From Getting To Work #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—In spite of his best efforts to brave the ongoing winter storm and freezing temperatures, the inclement weather currently affecting the Northeast has left Providence-area liar Tim Carlson unable to commute to his office, the habitual deceiver reported to his colleagues today. “They haven’t been able to plow my street yet and the snow drifts have to be two feet high in some places, so I don’t really think there’s any way for me to make it in,” said an email sent from the man who spent 45 minutes attempting to dislodge his car from a snowbank and who routinely fabricates stories. “On top of that, the buses don’t seem to be running in my area, or else I definitely would have been in by now. This is really a mess. I’m so sorry, everyone. Wish I could be there.” Carlson also confirmed that the weather had left his apartment’s electricity somewhat spotty, preventing the unrepentant phony from doing any work from home.
Laid-Off Man Finally Achieves Perfect Work-Life Balance #~# IRVINE, CA—Just two weeks after being laid off from the tech firm where he worked as a coder, 34-year-old Sam Morrison told sources Monday that he had finally achieved the perfect work-life balance. “It’s been great; this new schedule allows me to spend more time with my wife and kids, get together with friends, and I can even squeeze in a few hours of TV here and there—I’ve finally found the mix of career and personal life that works for me,” explained the stress-free man, who credited the shift to helping him get on a regular sleep cycle and workout regimen for the first time in years. “Lately I’m feeling less overwhelmed, I’m more upbeat, and I’m finally writing again. It’s really all about having good time management.” As of press time, Morrison was doing yoga in his backyard as his mortgage payment became overdue.
Nation Back On Board With SeaWorld Following Awesome Orca Trick #~# WASHINGTON—Ending their intensifying tide of criticism over the marine park’s unethical treatment of animals and other disturbing practices documented in the 2013 documentary Blackfish, Americans across the nation announced this week that they were “totally back on board” with SeaWorld after seeing an awesome and absolutely can’t-miss orca trick.
Woman Takes Short Half-Hour Break From Being Feminist To Enjoy TV Show #~# PORTLAND, OR—Saying that she just wanted a little time to relax and “not even think about” confining gender stereotypes, local health care industry consultant Natalie Jenkins reportedly took a 30-minute break from being a feminist last night to kick back and enjoy a television program.
Best, Most Original Idea Man’s Ever Had Returns 114,000 Google Search Results #~# CENTRALIA, PA—After excitedly sitting down at his computer this morning, local man Joshua Liptak discovered that the all-time best, most original idea he has ever conceived of returned upwards of 114,000 Google search results, sources confirmed. “Oh,” said the 32-year-old, noting that a search of his once-in-a-liftetime “absolute goldmine” of an idea promptly netted a whopping 114,786 hits across hundreds of social media and news outlets including Facebook, Twitter, NYTimes.com, and YouTube. “All right. Well, fuck that.” At press time, Liptak was reading a Forbes.com profile of one of the multimillionaires who pioneered Liptak’s idea nine years ago.
Mom Just Called To Say Hi And That She’s Very Sad #~# LINCOLN, NE—According to sources, local mother Katherine Woolverton, 61, called her son Sam on Tuesday evening just to say hello and that she’s feeling very, very sad. “I felt like crying all day today; just calling to catch up and hear your voice,” said Woolverton, listening intently as her son filled her in on his new apartment and the latest developments at his job before casually mentioning how she has been experiencing feelings of deep melancholy. “Anyway, I’m going to get back to thumbing through some old family photos from that time you and your sister dressed up like Bert and Ernie for Halloween. Nice chitchatting! I love you. I’m very sad.” Sources confirmed that within minutes, Woolverton had sent her son a follow-up text thanking him for talking to her.
Amazon Plans To Ship Items Before You Buy Them #~# Amazon has filed a patent for “anticipatory shipping,” which would use customers’ wish lists, previous purchases, and other data to predict which items they would likely purchase in the future and then ship such merchandise to their homes before they have even placed an order. What do you think?
New Leather-Bound Notebook To Really Unleash Area Woman's Creativity #~# ALAMO, CA—The purchase of a new leather-bound notebook is really going to help area woman Katherine Seigel realize her creative ambitions, the 34-year-old confirmed to reporters this week. “Maybe I will use it to write short stories in, or poems, or just whatever creative thoughts come into my brain,” said Seigel of the black rounded-corner notebook, which she purchased for $19.50 at a local bookstore. “I can carry it everywhere in my purse and then whenever I have an idea I’ll just take out my notebook and start writing in it. It’s going to be great!” At press time, the notebook was sitting in a desk drawer in Seigel’s apartment.
Kids Snorting Smarties Candies In Nationwide Trend #~# Goaded by thousands of online videos showing the practice, middle school kids across the U.S. have reportedly been crushing up Smarties candies into powder and snorting them, though health officials warn of possibly serious side effects. What do you think?
All-Knowing Invisible Hand Of Free Market Once Again Guides Millions In Profits To Nation’s Bead Stores #~# PRINCETON, NJ—Citing the teachings of classical laissez-faire economics, leading economists explained Tuesday that the all-knowing invisible hand of free-market capitalism had yet again guided millions of dollars in profits to bead stores across the nation. “When left to govern themselves, the forces of supply and demand will always allocate money and resources most efficiently between market actors, in this case, by redistributing tens of millions of dollars of individuals’ earnings to purveyors of loose glass, crystal, pewter, and acrylic beads each year,” said Princeton University economist Markus Brunnermeier, confirming that the principles of competitive markets put forth by pioneering 18th-century thinker Adam Smith ensured that stores with names such as Beadniks, String-A-Strand, and Fun 2 Bead would continue to thrive commercially. “Given that producers and consumers have freedom of choice to buy and sell wares as they please, our current market, in which stores make thousands upon thousands of dollars a day by selling beads, wires on which to string beads, and offering evening classes in custom beaded bracelet making, is, by definition, the optimal outcome for society as a whole.” Brunnermeier also added that the principles of the division of labor put forth by Adam Smith in his seminal treatise The Wealth Of Nations ensured that workers at bead stores all display extremely heightened levels of skill and productivity at their positions.
Thousands Of Athletes Who Will Disgrace Countries Eagerly Training For Winter Olympics #~# SOCHI, RUSSIA—With the most high-profile competition of their careers just weeks away, thousands of athletes who will ultimately disgrace and embarrass their respective home countries are eagerly completing their training for the 2014 Winter Olympics, sources confirmed Tuesday.
‘12 Years A Slave,’ ‘Captain Phillips,’ ‘American Hustle,’ ‘Wolf Of Wall Street,’ ‘Blue Jasmine,’ ‘Dallas Buyers Club,’ ‘Her,’ ‘Nebraska,’ ‘Before Midnight,’ And ‘Philomena’ All Written During Same Continuing Education Screenwriting Class #~# LOS ANGELES—Days after they were announced as the 10 nominees for Best Original Screenplay and Best Adapted Screenplay at the upcoming Academy Awards ceremony, sources revealed Tuesday that the films 12 Years A Slave, Captain Phillips, American Hustle, The Wolf Of Wall Street, Blue Jasmine, Dallas Buyers Club, Her, Nebraska, Before Midnight, and Philomena were all in fact written over the course of the same Introduction to Screenwriting for Film continuing education class. “Thanks to our work together on narrative structure, realistic dialogue, and screenplay formatting, the students in my class managed to write some great scripts, and I’m very proud of them all,” Barton Adult Education Institute course instructor Keith Whitney told reporters, referring to enrollees in the six-week intensive script writing seminar that included students David O. Russell, Spike Jonze, and Woody Allen. “Granted, they were a little wet behind the ears when we first started out. The script Billy [Ray, writer of Captain Phillips] first gave me didn’t have an inciting incident until page 40, and [Before Midnight writer] Richard [Linklater] couldn’t figure out a three-act structure to save his life. But once we got the fundamentals locked down, they were all able to really impress the Academy. They were a good group.” At press time, Barton Institute sources also confirmed how proud they were of Gravity director Alfonso Cuarón, a recent graduate of the continuing education school’s “Learn Final Cut Pro in 14 Days” online correspondence course.
Report: Imagine How Good It Would Feel To Just Crawl Back Into Bed Right Now #~# WASHINGTON—Citing its seductive warmth and utter remove from the demands and stresses of your daily life, a new study released today from the Pew Research Center has found that, man, wouldn’t it be incredible to just crawl back under the covers of your big, soft bed at this exact moment and just stay there for hours and hours? “Picture yourself cocooned in that fluffy comforter in your quiet, darkened bedroom, far away from everything and everyone surrounding you,” read the report in part, adding that “you need to close your eyes right now, at your desk or wherever you are, and really let yourself go to this place for a moment.” “Just sink into that pillow and let yourself drift off to sleep in total contentment. That’s it. That’s a baby. Shh. Don’t think. Just let your imagination transport you.” The report went on to further indicate how wonderful it would be, in fact, if you could close your eyes, fall into a deep, peaceful slumber, and never wake up again.
Sports Media Not Sure How It Going To Fit Super Bowl Coverage Into Just 2 Short Weeks #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Lamenting that there simply isn’t enough time to properly analyze the infinite facets of the upcoming championship game, sources within sports media confessed to reporters Tuesday that they aren’t sure how they can possibly fit such a wide breadth of unique and entirely indispensable Super Bowl XLVIII coverage into just two short weeks. “You’re telling me we’re supposed to somehow hit the thousands upon thousands of pertinent and absolutely vital topics accompanying this pivotal Seahawks-Broncos title matchup in only 14 days—are you kidding me?" said SportsCenter executive producer Mark Gross, estimating that it would, under normal circumstances, take him and his colleagues several years to even begin addressing such thought-provoking matters as how the cold temperatures at the Meadowlands could impact gameplay; Richard Sherman’s potentially hostile relationship with the Denver fans; and what a second ring might mean for Peyton Manning’s legacy. “As it stands, even with round-the-clock coverage between now and next Sunday, there are simply more angles than we can possibly address. Everything we want—nay, need—to say about this game is all so very important, but we just don’t have the time to give it the attention it deserves.” Gross confirmed that the challenge of properly covering the Super Bowl will be made all the more difficult by sheer density of the material, which will inevitably force football pundits to repeat the same talking points dozens of times in the coming days.
Ask Cover Letters For An Entry-Level Social Media Position At ‘Field & Stream’ Magazine #~# Dear Cover Letters For An Entry-Level Social Media Position At Field & Stream Magazine,
Fussy Eater 38 #~# OMAHA, NE—According to sources, local fussy eater Bryan Wilcox, who is known for refusing to eat any type of food he hasn’t tried before or that falls outside of his narrow zone of comfort, is 38 years old. “Can I just get it plain, without sauce?” asked the adult man, who was born in 1975, has a 401k, a spouse, and two young children, yet frowns and shakes his head at the sight of shellfish, most varieties of vegetable, or any sandwich that hasn’t first had its crust removed. “Is it touching tomatoes? I don’t want it if it’s touching tomatoes.” Sources later confirmed that Wilcox, a fully grown human, just pushed his food around his plate until he got to have dessert.
Drinking Diet Soda Linked To Eating More #~# A study found that overweight individuals who drink diet soda eat more food than regular soda drinkers, with both groups consuming roughly the same number of total calories, as the artificial sweeteners in diet soda prevent the brain from feeling that hunger has been sated. What do you think?
Beauty Industry Announces Massive New Initiative To Make Women Self-Conscious About Their Palms #~# NEW YORK—In what numerous brands are calling a potentially lucrative new strategy, the beauty and cosmetics industry this week launched a massive initiative aimed at convincing women to feel self-conscious about the palms of their hands. “Nothing says youth and beauty like smooth, silky palms, and our new line of Palm Perfection products ensures that women everywhere can wave to the world with confidence,” L’Oréal executives said of the company’s new release, one of dozens of recently launched beauty campaigns designed to make women feel deeply and profoundly ashamed of their palms by obsessively scrutinizing every aspect of their size, shape, and texture. “Women won’t believe how different their palms look and feel after just a week of using Palm Perfection. They’ll wonder how they ever went outside without it.” At press time, revenue reports indicated that the beauty campaign was one of the most successful in recent history with over 3.4 million women mortified.
How Chris Christie Can Survive Political Scandal #~# Just weeks after the disclosure that his top staffers closed lanes on the George Washington Bridge to punish the mayor of Fort Lee, NJ, Governor Chris Christie is now dealing with allegations that he threatened to deny Hurricane Sandy aid to Hoboken, NJ unless the city’s mayor agreed to go along with a development project. Here is how the embattled politician can weather these crises and reemerge as a viable Republican presidential candidate in 2016:
Genius Magazine Editor Does It Again With Marilyn Monroe–Inspired Photoshoot #~# NEW YORK—Since it first hit newsstands, the February issue of Elle has reportedly held the publishing world in awe with its groundbreaking Marilyn Monroe–inspired photo spread, which has been hailed as yet another dazzling milestone in the career of visionary photo editor Allison Shields.
Obama: Pot No More Harmful Than Alcohol #~# While saying that he thinks it’s a bad habit and has encouraged his daughters not to use the drug, President Barack Obama stated in an interview with The New Yorker that, “in terms of its impact on the individual consumer,” he believes marijuana is no “more dangerous than alcohol.” What do you think?
Report: Lake Ice Grows Safer To Venture Out On With Each Beer Consumed #~# MINNEAPOLIS—According to a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Minnesota, the layer of ice atop frozen lakes grows incrementally thicker and safer to venture out onto with each beer that an individual consumes. “While the surface ice covering a lake may pose a very real hazard of collapsing under the weight of a sober subject, we discovered that this same ice becomes progressively more sturdy with each 12-ounce can of beer that a subject puts back,” said lead researcher Robert Piper, noting that the ice sheets atop lakes, as well as large ponds and certain rivers, could be rendered virtually impervious to cracking beneath a fully grown man provided he has consumed four or more tallboys, regardless of temperature or weather conditions. “Our data clearly show that by collectively finishing a 24-pack of Keystone, Budweiser, or similar American-style lager, ice becomes so safe and stable that a whole group of buddies can walk out onto the lake as far as they want. In fact, you can go ahead and drive a fully loaded truck right on out there, no problem, as long as you and the boys drain a pony keg and the last of the Jack.” Piper went on to confirm that, even in the highly improbable event that someone who has drunk a sufficient number of beers does happen to fall through the ice, the consumption of such beverages simultaneously heats the frigid subsurface lake water to a temperature at which one can be fully immersed for minutes at a time without any risk of hypothermia.
Study: Childless Couples Have Happier Marriages #~# According to research from a British university, childless couples are happier with their relationships and feel more valued by their partners than couples that have children, with the results holding true for both heterosexual and homosexual couples. What do you think?
‘At Least We’ll Get A Better Draft Pick,’ Reports Patriots Fan Rationalizing Deep, Pervasive Sadness #~# BOSTON—Searching for some silver lining in his team’s 26-16 loss in Sunday’s AFC Championship Game, 32-year-old Patriots fan Daniel Lowery reportedly attempted to rationalize his deep, utterly consuming sadness by claiming New England would have an improved pick at the 2014 NFL Draft. “You know, we probably wouldn’t have beaten the 49ers or Seahawks in the Super Bowl anyway, so it’s better to go out now and then move up a few spots with our first-round pick in May,” said Lowery, reportedly trying his utmost to mitigate his sweeping disappointment and heartbreak at his team coming up just short of a Super Bowl appearance. “One or two spots in the first round can really make a huge difference. Plus, we already have a great foundation, so if we can just get healthy next year and pick up a solid rookie, we can make a real run at the Super Bowl next season.” In a desperate effort to mask his extreme, inescapable despair, Lowery then confirmed his hopes that the loss would give the Patriots a better chance of landing star Alabama linebacker C.J. Mosley.
Broncos vs. Patriots #~# The Patriots take on the Broncos in what could be the very last time Tom Brady and Peyton Manning meet in the 2014 playoffs, barring a major disruption in the space-time continuum. Onion Sports looks at what each team must do to win.
49ers vs. Seahawks #~# The 49ers battle the Seahawks in a game that will ultimately decide once and for all whether Colin Kaepernick or Russell Wilson is the better quarterback. Onion Sports looks at what each team must do to win.
President Curbing NSA Spying #~# In an effort to address citizens’ privacy and civil liberty concerns, President Obama announced today that intelligence agencies would now be required to obtain a court’s permission to access metadata from telephones. What do you think?
Woman Confusingly Tells Area Man She’s Not Interested In Him #~# MODESTO, CA—Evidently undertaking the next maneuver in her endless series of bewildering mind games, infinitely perplexing woman Haley Mueller cryptically told Pete Summers Friday evening that she wasn’t interested in dating him. “She keeps sending these weird text messages that say she wants me to stop calling her,” said Summers, who clarified that he’s tired of trying to interpret what it means when she walks away from him at parties after telling him she never wants to see or speak to him ever again. “She needs to make up her mind and tell me what she wants so we can get on with our lives, for Christ’s sake. What does ‘I have a serious boyfriend’ even mean?” As of press time, Summers had sent a worried text asking Mueller if she was feeling okay or if she wanted to meet up for coffee and talk.
Japan Grants Suffrage To Female Robots #~# TOKYO—Ending a decades-long struggle for gender equality at the ballot box, Prime Minister Shinzō Abe of Japan signed a new measure into law on Thursday extending the right to vote to female robots.
Report: ‘Swamp Thing’ And ‘The Return Of Swamp Thing’ Just 2 Of Literally Thousands Of Movies #~# LOS ANGELES—According to a report released Wednesday by the American Film Institute, the 1982 motion picture Swamp Thing and its 1989 sequel, The Return Of Swamp Thing, are only two of literally thousands of movies in existence.
Unemployed Detroit Resident Dismayed To Learn Job Opening Is With The Lions #~# DETROIT—Uttering an audible sigh of frustration as he noticed the franchise’s name in the classified ad, unemployed Detroit resident Chris Segel, 34, reportedly expressed disappointment Friday upon realizing the job opening he’d been considering was with the Lions. “Aw man, I was actually excited about this, but just when I got my hopes up I saw it’s for the goddamn Lions,” said Segel, who dejectedly confirmed after scanning the listing a second time that the facilities management position was definitely at Ford Field with the Detroit Lions. “I mean, I guess I’m applying anyway because it’s a job and I need one, but Christ, this market really is fucking brutal if this shit is all that’s left right now.” At press time, sources reported Segel was eagerly looking into a possible job opportunity with Detroit’s sanitation department.
Michelle Obama Turns 50 #~# First Lady Michelle Obama turns 50 years old today and will celebrate with a birthday party at the White House tomorrow night, which has been described on official invitations as an evening of “Snacks & Sips & Dancing & Dessert.” What do you think?
Scientist: Cats View Owners As Large Cats #~# In his new book Cat Sense, British biologist and animal behavior expert John Bradshaw argues that domestic cats view their owners as large, non-hostile cats, such as a mother cat or an older, larger relative. What do you think?
The Onion’s Oscar Picks #~# Following this morning’s announcement of the 86th Academy Awards nominations, many pundits are calling this year’s Oscar race one of the most wide open in recent memory. Here are The Onion’s predictions of who will take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
Nation’s Moms Dance Nude Around Moonlit Bonfire To Conjure Spirit Of Emma Thompson #~# WASHINGTON—Divesting themselves of their khakis and walking shoes at the stroke of midnight and chanting hymns in supplication to the 54-year-old star, the nation’s mothers danced naked around a moonlit bonfire last night to conjure the spirit of English actress and screenwriter Emma Thompson. “The door is open, circle unbroken; come to us, Oh Perfect One, and bathe us in your Light!” 59-year-old housewife Linda Weber recited amidst a sea of naked aunts and mothers, twisting and gyrating in ritual procession around the flaming pit as she invoked the hallowed presence of the Sense And Sensibility star. “Emma sumus in fide, Matres et materterae, Emma matronas inegri, Matresque canamus!” Sources reported that as the spectral form of the BAFTA Award–winning actress began flickering in the fire, the postmenopausal horde had unanimously selected Milwaukee-area mother Karen Schweitzer to be sacrificed as a burnt offering to the Goddess of Howard’s End.
‘And Yet, Is Not Beef Itself An Expression Of Wanton Lust?’ Bizarre New McDonald’s Ad Asks #~# OAK BROOK, IL—While making scant reference to any specific products or prices, a bizarre new McDonald’s advertisement that began airing nationwide this week posits to viewers that beef is perhaps a symbolic expression of lust in its most wanton and depraved form. “Would you yourself deny beef? Would beef deny itself of you? The flesh calls for you; it implores you to fill your mouth with beef,” the commercial’s narrator asks over grainy, rapidly shifting images of raw ground beef, masticated hamburger, livestock, a fornicating couple, and static. “When we call for beef, what are we really asking for? Is it the caress of a gentle lover? Or the blade of an executioner; the rage of steel on bone?” Representatives for McDonald’s say they have bought extensive primetime space for the ad on all major television networks and will continue to air it through 2014.
Report: American Dream Now An Out-Of-Court Settlement #~# NEW YORK—Drawing on national polling data and extensive personal interviews, social scientists confirmed that the concept of the American Dream, the widely held aspiration among U.S. citizens of achieving financial security and personal happiness, now consists entirely of receiving a substantial out-of-court settlement. “Whereas achieving the American Dream once meant rising to a stable position of prosperity through years of dedicated work and personal merit, the ideal has shifted in recent years to one of settling out of court for six or seven figures after months of protracted legal wrangling behind closed doors,” said Columbia University sociologist Dr. Adam Corigliano, stating that the vast majority of lower- and middle-class Americans now hope to achieve upward social mobility by making a legal claim against an immensely wealthy corporation or individual and then receiving a large lump sum in exchange for dropping the case and allowing the party to avoid any public admission of wrongdoing. “The idea that anyone in America, no matter who they are or where they came from, can make their way to the top is still very much alive, whether it involves filing a suit for harassment, negligence resulting in injury or death, or mistreatment at the hands of an employer or service provider. Aiming for a huge payoff so a high-profile celebrity or business can avoid a lengthy, publicly damaging trial is what unites us as Americans, regardless of our race, creed, or social standing—it’s what this country is all about.” Corigliano added, however, that statistics showed only a slim fraction of impoverished residents ever have the good fortune to become permanently disabled by a botched surgical procedure or lose an infant to a defective crib and thereby achieve their financial goals.
God Admits He Rarely Forgives #~# THE HEAVENS—Calling into question centuries of religious dogma and commonly held beliefs, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, admitted Tuesday that in actuality it is “extremely rare” for Him to ever forgive an individual.
Seahawks To Seattle Fans: ‘Shut The Fuck Up’ #~# SEATTLE—Claiming the message was long overdue, players for the Seattle Seahawks issued a group statement Thursday imploring the team’s passionate, vocal fan base to shut the fuck up. “Hey, assholes, shut the fuck up and stop running your fucking mouths,” running back Marshawn Lynch said on behalf of the Seahawks roster, emphasizing that he and his fellow teammates have grown “sick and fucking tired” of hearing fans talk up the team at every available opportunity. “Yeah, we’re a good team and we’re having a good season. But that doesn’t mean you dickheads need to be constantly talking shit about us being the Super Bowl favorites and saying that no other team will have a chance against us for years to come. And just so we’re absolutely clear, you dumbasses aren’t ‘the 12th man,’ either. So just shut the fuck up already. Seriously, shut the fuck up.” Lynch added that fans also need to shut the fuck up when attending CenturyLink Field for this Sunday’s NFC Championship matchup against the San Francisco 49ers, calling the excessive crowd noise produced during Seahawks home games both “annoying” and “massively disrespectful.”
Royals Courting Masahiro Tanaka By Highlighting Kansas City’s Rich Japanese History #~# KANSAS CITY—In a meeting that included an elaborate tea ceremony, the Kansas City Royals made their bid to sign prized right-hander Masahiro Tanaka by highlighting their city’s vibrant Japanese history, sources confirmed Thursday. “From several world-class Tang Dynasty art museums to the countless Buddhist temples and Shinto shrines in the metropolitan area, Kansas City reverently honors the ancient traditions of the Japanese people,” said general manager Dayton Moore, who invited Tanaka to join him in the onsen, a Japanese hot spring, behind the centerfield wall. “With numerous cherry blossom festivals and Gagaku concerts, you’ll feel right at home. In fact, many regard K.C. as Little Tokyo.” Following the meeting, witnesses confirmed that the 25-year-old was treated to a Royals-themed kabuki performance starring the team’s current pitching staff.
Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr To Perform At Grammys #~# Surviving Beatles Sir Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr will perform together at this year’s Grammy Awards on January 26. What do you think?
Police Raid Justin Bieber’s Home #~# Following allegations last week that Justin Bieber threw eggs at a neighbor’s house, police raided the teen pop idol’s Calabasas mansion yesterday morning. What do you think?
Spaced-Out Flower Child Groovin’ On A Doobie Wave #~# BRATTLEBORO, VT—In an effort to experience a happening freak-out in an outta sight way, a far-out chick is, sources confirmed, currently groovin’ on a doobie wave, feeling the vibes, and tripping out on a psychedelic reefer wave. “Sure, I’ll have some,” said the mama bear flower girl, accepting a long, mellow toke from a radical doob that, brother, will reportedly take this little moon child one step closer to the cosmic ashram on the day-glo astral plane. “Thanks.” At press time, time had lost all meaning, man, ya dig, and sources were reporting that this spaced-out chick was most definitely groovin’ and cruisin’ on a righteous trip to a land without bummers.
Tips For Getting Pregnant #~# While most couples aspire to have children of their own, for many the process of becoming pregnant can be a long and difficult ordeal. Here are some helpful tips to ensure that you and your partner conceive quickly and easily:
Netflix Instant Thinking About Adding Good Movie #~# LOS GATOS, CA—In a swift and unexpected departure from their present business model, officials from Netflix revealed Wednesday that the company is currently considering adding a good movie to their online streaming service. “With the growing success of the streaming platform, we thought the time was right to think about possibly offering, just for the sake of variety, one film that wasn’t a total critical and commercial flop forgotten immediately after its initial theatrical release,” said Netflix chief content officer Ted Sandaros, adding that the company is exploring various options for licensing a single high-quality movie that people would in fact enjoy watching and wouldn’t turn off after the first 25 minutes. “We feel the addition of a popular, above-average, well-made film would provide a nice counterbalance to our existing library of poorly received sequels, totally unknown indie dramas from four or five years ago that you’ve never heard of, and horrendous direct-to-DVD horror features.” At press time, Netflix had reportedly abandoned the plan and added Something’s Gotta Give to its streaming library.
Nation Recalls Simpler Time When Health Care System Was Broken Beyond Repair #~# WASHINGTON—With the Affordable Care Act now making it possible for a greater number of Americans to purchase medical coverage, the nation looked back this week and fondly recalled a simpler time when its health care system was broken beyond any hope of repair.
Unemployed, Miserable Man Still Remembers Teacher Who First Made Him Fall In Love With Writing #~# AUBURN, CA—Explaining that she introduced him to the literature that made him the man he is today, 41-year-old Casey Sheard, an unemployed and fundamentally miserable person, confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he still fondly remembers the high school teacher who first inspired him to fall in love with writing. “Mrs. Merriman was the one who put a copy of The Sound And The Fury in my hands when I was 16 years old, and it totally changed my life,” said Sheard, who has reportedly been unable to hold down any semblance of well-paid, full-time employment, constantly struggles to stay financially afloat, has thus far failed to make a living off of writing as a career, and has frequently spiraled into long periods of severe depression and unhappiness. “She introduced me to Faulkner, Vonnegut, Hemingway, Steinbeck, and Joyce, and that’s what began my lifelong love affair with the narrative form. Those authors really opened up a whole new world to me, which ultimately inspired me to devote my whole life to the craft of prose. Mrs. Merriman was the catalyst for that; I’ll never forget her.” At press time, sources confirmed Sheard would likely soon return to the classroom as a high school teacher himself to inspire a love of writing in students just as Merriman did for him.
Parents Of Adorable Baby On TV Show Most Likely Insane #~# NEW YORK—According to widespread sources, the parents of the adorable baby appearing on screen in a popular television comedy right now are, in all likelihood, completely insane and unfit to care for a child. “When you’re watching it, your first thought is what a cute kid this is, and then your second thought is, holy shit, they must have taken this baby to several rounds of long ‘auditions,’ whatever that means for a baby, instead of letting it sleep in a crib for hours like a normal, well-adjusted infant,” said viewer Brenda Ortiz, 33, adding that it seemed safe to assume the child’s parents would have to be mentally unstable to, first of all, get an agent for their baby, and second, put an innocent human being who has only been alive for a few months through weeks of callbacks and screen tests. “I would imagine these parents probably aren’t capable of taking care of themselves, let alone a 6-month-old whose well-being they’ve happily entrusted to an overworked TV crew.” At press time, viewers were trying to just enjoy the show and ignore the fact that this baby’s parents were most likely blowing the earnings from their child’s television appearance on a lavish Caribbean cruise at the expense of a college fund.
9% Of Dog, Cat Owners Write Pets Into Their Wills #~# A survey from the American Pet Products Association found that, as of 2012, 9 percent of both cat and dog owners had made financial arrangements in their wills to provide for their pets after their deaths. What do you think?
Boy, I’ve Really Put You In A Tough Spot, Haven’t I? #~# As those who have followed the uproar surrounding my lifetime achievement award at this year’s Golden Globes are aware, my name has again become the source of controversy. Once more, the media, the general public, and my own family members have called into question the propriety of continuing to honor and lavish praise upon an individual—myself, legendary film director Woody Allen—who has been accused of committing crimes of the most deplorable nature. Addressing this highly contentious matter would require you to delve into the following ethical quandary: Do you continue to support me as a filmmaker, writer, and human being who has technically not been convicted of any crime, or do you henceforth cease your admiration of me and my work due to the admittedly pretty damn compelling evidence that I molested at least one young child?
Pope Francis Encourages Women To Breastfeed #~# During a ceremony at the Sistine Chapel on Sunday in which he baptized 32 children, Pope Francis encouraged mothers in attendance to breastfeed hungry infants in public, saying it was even acceptable in church. What do you think?
Revelations From Robert Gates' Controversial New Book #~# Former defense secretary Robert Gates has stirred controversy with the release of his new 600-page book, Duty: Memoirs Of A Secretary At War, which offers his candid and often damning insider assessments of the Obama administration, Congress, and Washington politics. Here are some notable revelations from Gates’ book:
Obama Not Ruling Out U.S. Military Action In Congress #~# WASHINGTON—Following years of continued fighting and disorder in the troubled region, President Barack Obama revealed today that he has not ruled out taking immediate and decisive military action in the United States Congress.
As Your Friend, I Promise You Can Tell Me Anything That Makes Me Feel Superior To You #~# Hey, man, I just wanted to let you know that if you ever need someone to talk to about your problems, I’m here. We’re friends, and that’s what friends do. I’m serious: If there’s anything in your life that’s troubling you—really, anything at all that would lower you in my eyes and make me believe I am a better, more capable person than you are—you should absolutely let me know.
Coffee May Improve Memory #~# Researchers found that individuals who viewed a series of images and then consumed 200 mg of caffeine performed better on a memory test the following day compared to subjects who did not take caffeine. What do you think?
Mandatory Unisex Golden Globes Uniforms Keep Focus On Stars’ Work #~# LOS ANGELES—Pundits from across the entertainment industry are hailing the fashion requirements put in place at last night’s Golden Globes as a resounding success, agreeing that the Hollywood Foreign Press’ mandate that all celebrities wear identical gray full-body unisex jumpsuits achieved the intended goal of refocusing the ceremony on the craft of acting and filmmaking. “The spirit of the Golden Globes has always been about celebrating individuals’ achievements in film and television, not their physical appearance or wardrobe, and the hundreds of required one-size-fits-all bodysuits worn last night certainly helped redirect attention to where it’s due,” said E! correspondent Kristina Guerrero of the compulsory gender-neutral garments that Hollywood A-listers were obligated to wear as they filed in a straight line down the red carpet, sans makeup, at precise intervals. “Of course, you can’t deny that despite the uniforms, the stars still dazzled. I mean, whether she’s wearing a custom Zac Posen gown or a woolen body covering and matte-finish Velcro sneakers, you just can’t take your eyes off Amy Adams.” Fashion critics pointed out, however, that typically couture-savvy Sandra Bullock did not wear the obligatory uniform well, noting that the star’s garish breast-pocket serial number distracted from her garment’s boxy, shapeless waist.
Flu Hitting Obese People Harder #~# According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 46 percent of American adults who have been hospitalized with this year’s strain of the flu are obese, a figure much higher than the 20-30 percent average of years past. What do you think?
Pilot Tells Passengers He’s About To Try Something #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Midway through American Airlines flight 1544’s journey from San Francisco to Dallas Monday, pilot Mark Dams asked passengers to please remain seated and fasten their seat belts for a minute while he tries something real quick. “Attention passengers, bear with me for a moment; I just want to try a little something here,” Dams announced over the plane’s intercom, adding that he “heard about another pilot doing this once” and wants to see if it actually works. “Should only take a few seconds. I just want to see what happens.” At press time, Dams reportedly took a breath and muttered to himself, “Okay, here goes.”
‘Nice To Meet You,’ Coworkers Tell New Employee They’ve Studied Online For Hours #~# DICKINSON, ND—Saying that it was a pleasure to finally make his acquaintance, employees of local consulting firm Montevista Solutions introduced themselves Monday morning to new sales representative Brandon Whitley, a man whom they had all spent numerous hours studying online in recent days. “Hi, you must be Brandon; it’s really nice to meet you,” said associate consultant Sarah Rodriguez, one of many Montevista employees who spent last night scouring Google search results for Whitley’s name, clicking through every one of his Facebook photos, and closely reading 70 of his most recent tweets. “It’s really great to finally put a face to the name. Anyway, just let any of us know if you need anything.” At press time, Whitley was being introduced to account manager David Carpenter, who accidentally mentioned Whitley’s trip to Maui with his wife Melissa before ever being told about it.
New Study Reveals Nothing Pfizer’s Lawyers Can’t Take Care Of #~# NEW YORK—An alarming study released Monday by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration reportedly reveals absolutely nothing the pharmaceutical giant Pfizer’s high-powered lawyers can’t effortlessly take care of, no sweat, with no lasting damage whatsoever to the company or its reputation. “While Pfizer has for years benefited from record sales of its stable of flagship drugs, our research shows [not a damned thing the best and most handsomely compensated legal team in the country won’t make go away in a millisecond, don’t you worry],” read the study in part, which includes a series of troubling conclusions that are all being given a thorough read-through by Doug and the rest of the junkyard dogs in legal who will make goddamned sure any resulting litigation is either dismissed in a court of law outright or will result in a minor cash settlement that, c’mon, will be a mere drop in the bucket for a company the size of Pfizer. “Specifically, and most disturbingly, our data show [lots of stuff, probably, but who gives a shit what they show; there’s not a single thing any study can do to topple the world’s largest research-based pharmaceutical company, and there ain’t no way this study reveals anything Pfizer lawyers haven’t cakewalked through a thousand times before, easy peasy.]” According to sources, the new study also reveals its authors actually thought they had a chance in hell of bringing down fucking Pfizer.
OfficeMax Employee Was Here When Gel Pens Were Big #~# IRVINE, CA—Veteran OfficeMax employee Drew Hillenberg regaled younger staff members on Friday, sharing his stories from a bygone era when gel pens were among the hottest sellers at the big-box business supply store. “Man, I remember back in ’97, gel pens were huge—I’d sell boxes of ’em every day, it was that crazy,” said Hillenberg of the fluorescent water-based gel writing instruments, adding that he “knew gels were going to be big” when customers began regularly asking for them by name in the late ’90s. “I remember blue, green, and purple moved pretty fast, but clear? Damn. We’d have to restock those babies twice a day. It was really something.” Hillenberg went on to inform coworkers that while the current demand among the store’s customers for water-based rollerballs was “impressive,” it was “nothing like what we used to see for gels.”
Wait, What If We Try Giving People Home Loans They Can’t Actually Afford To Pay Off? #~# There’s no doubt about it: Times are still tough for millions of Americans out there. The country is continuing to recover from the monumental economic downturn resulting from the 2008 financial crisis, and even though there are some recent reasons for optimism, things aren’t improving nearly as quickly as they need to be. As the Chief Executive Officer of Citigroup, I’m always looking for new, innovative ways to expand our business, and the current economy has certainly made that job tougher. However, with that in mind, I’ve been thinking, what if—and please bear with me, because I’m just spitballing here—but what if we were to approve home loans for people who can in no way actually afford to pay them off?
Woman Beginning To Suspect Husband Having Second Affair #~# CLEVELAND—Saying that he has lately grown even more distant and secretive than usual, local woman Joyce Reynolds, 46, confided to reporters Monday that she has started to suspect her husband may be carrying on a second extramarital affair. “I can hear him whispering on the phone in the living room, and when I pick up the phone in the kitchen I can’t recognize the voice on the other end,” Reynolds said of her husband, 48-year-old Dan Reynolds, adding that she found a brand-new wristwatch in his desk drawer last week that was “way too gaudy” to be a gift from [mistress] Jessica [Schwartz]. “Lately he’s been saying he has to work late on Wednesdays, and he used to only tell me that on Thursdays, when he sees Jessica. Then last week when I was doing laundry, I went through his pockets and discovered he’s been carrying a third cell phone.” Reynolds also noted that the last time she tailed Schwartz’s car to see where she was going, Schwartz appeared to be tailing another woman’s car herself.
Half Of Congress Reps Are Millionaires #~# A new analysis by the Center for Responsive Politics found that for the first time in the history of the nation, more than half of the current 534 members of Congress have total assets of $1 million or more. What do you think?
BREAKING: Producers Assume Shannon Sharpe Doing Highlights Right Now #~# NEW YORK—Several new reports indicate CBS producers are just assuming that NFL Today analyst Shannon Sharpe is doing game highlights right now, speculating that the broadcaster’s incoherent rambling might be related to one of the top plays from Sunday. “Uh, he’s mumbling about something, but I don’t know what the hell he’s babbling about,” said producer Drew Kaliski, who was visibly weary while struggling to follow along with Sharpe’s unfathomable commentary. “I think I heard ‘Luck’ in there somewhere. It doesn’t matter; just throw a touchdown on the screen.” At press time, CBS producers reportedly determined that Sharpe was probably never going to shut up.
Defense Needs To Be More Physical, Reports Man Slumped On Couch For Past 5 Hours #~# INDIANAPOLIS—While watching the NFL playoffs Saturday, local man Steve Gordon, who barely moved for five straight hours as he slouched on his couch, reportedly announced that the defense needed to be more physical and deliver punishing hits. “Come on, get up, move—just smack ’em,” said the man who hadn’t even gotten up to use the bathroom since the early game. “They should be flying around out there and slamming into the ball carrier at full speed. Let’s see a little effort. The linebacker just has to shove blockers out of his way, rush up the field, grab the quarterback, and whip him to the turf.” According to living room sources, Gordon expressed frustration with the lack of hustle by defenders and with the excruciating pain in his back, which he twisted awkwardly at halftime while attempting to adjust a cushion.
Food Companies Cut 6.4 Trillion Calories From Products #~# A study has found that a group of 16 major food companies including Kraft and Coca-Cola cut a total of 6.4 trillion calories from their products between 2007 and 2012, far exceeding their pledge to slash 1.5 trillion calories by 2015. What do you think?
Son, You’ll Thank Me For Pushing You This Hard When You’re 37 And Miserable #~# Listen, son, I know it might seem like I’m a little tough on you at times. Obviously nobody wants to have their dad constantly breathing down their neck, pushing them to do things they don’t want to do, and then berating them for not living up to his unrealistic expectations. I get that. But you have to realize I’m doing this all for a reason. While it might not make sense now, when you’re in your late 30s and revile your life and hate the man you’ve become, you’ll be thanking me.
‘We’ll Be Moving Shortly,’ Says Train Conductor Waiting For Workers To Remove Dead Body From Tracks #~# NEW YORK—As three maintenance workers lugged the corpse of an unidentified man off the tracks ahead, Brooklyn-bound C train operator Martin Carter assured passengers they would be moving shortly. “Sorry folks, we’re experiencing a brief technical delay,” the 16-year MTA veteran told passengers as a man’s lifeless, nearly severed body was dragged out of the way of trains ahead, leaving a trail of blood and brain matter in it its wake. “We apologize for the wait. Should be cleared momentarily.” At press time, the train’s occupants were cursing the six-minute delay.
Nation Surprised To Realize It Wants More John Travolta #~# LOS ANGELES—Admitting they couldn’t fully explain where this was coming from or why, Americans across the country were taken aback Friday upon suddenly realizing they wanted more of film actor John Travolta in their lives. “Look, there’s no rhyme or reason to it, I just have this intense craving to see John Travolta in movies, on TV, joking around with reporters on the red carpet, or really doing anything—and believe me, I’m just as surprised about this as anyone,” reported Minneapolis resident Haley Morrison, 43, echoing the inexplicable desire of all 317 million Americans to hear news of the 59-year-old actor appearing soon in, say, a new Disney family comedy co-starring Marisa Tomei, as a villain in an action-thriller directed by Luc Besson, or possibly as a guest on an upcoming episode of Letterman. “Hell, at this point, and don’t ask me why, I’d settle for a People magazine interview with John Travolta discussing his love of flying and how married life with [wife] Kelly Preston is going. I mean, I guess the heart wants what it wants. I just can’t believe it wants John Travolta.” At press time, baffled sources nationwide were reporting feelings of deep, unaccountable satisfaction after coming across the last half-hour of Phenomenon on TBS.
Vacationing Man Excited To Try Fast Food Franchise Not Found In Hometown #~# VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Having driven to Virginia Beach to visit his sister for a brief vacation, fast food consumer and Pennsylvania native Don Turnbee expressed his interest Friday in eating at Carl’s Jr., a fast food chain not readily available in his hometown.
Pee-Wee Hockey Player Wishes Dad Cared Enough To Fight At Games #~# BISMARCK, ND—Nine-year-old pee-wee hockey player Connor Griffin confirmed Thursday that he wishes his dad cared enough about him and his Falcons teammates to curse, threaten, or even physically assault other parents during games. “He cheers a lot, which I guess is okay, but he’s never once shouted swear words at other dads or told a referee he’d kick his teeth in,” said Griffin, expressing disappointment that his father never questions calls or goes out on the ice to attack an official or opposing coach. “It just makes me sad because most of the other kids’ dads will at least call the other team ‘little pieces of shit,’ and my dad just tells me I’m doing a good job.” Chuck Griffin, 42, told reporters that a children’s hockey game is not an appropriate place for such aggression, especially compared to his older son’s pee-wee football games, where punching another dad is more a part of the culture.
Study: 80 Percent Of Super Bowl Ads Don't Boost Sales #~# A new study by advertising research firm Communicus found that 4 in 5 commercials that air during the Super Bowl don't increase sales of the product, an outcome researchers attribute in part to advertisers focusing more on telling a story than promoting a brand. What do you think?
English Professor Suddenly Realizes Students Will Believe Literally Anything She Says #~# LINCOLN, NE—Midway through her 9 a.m. Intro to American Literature course Thursday, University of Nebraska-Lincoln Professor Elizabeth Mabrey suddenly realized that her students would accept, without question, literally any words that came out of her mouth as absolute, incontrovertible fact, sources confirmed. “I could say that On the Road was an overt metaphor for the Vietnam War and they would jot it down in their notebooks without any hesitation whatsoever,” said Mabrey, adding that, come midterms, her students will, as if on cue, mindlessly regurgitate whatever she tells them, whether it’s that the character of Dean Moriarty is supposed to be a figment of Sal Paradise’s imagination, or that the entire novel is meant to be read backwards. “I could, honest to God, ask them to tear their copies of the novel in half because that’s what Kerouac ‘intended the reader to do,’ and they would do it. I mean, what are they going to do? Disagree with me?” Professor Mabrey told reporters she has no plans to abuse her newly discovered power, though she would admittedly reconsider this position if denied tenure.
Obama Funds International Space Station Through 2024 #~# Scrapping the plan to bring the International Space Station down to earth in 2020, the Obama administration has agreed to add four years to its life and fund the $100 billion orbital research laboratory through 2024. What do you think?
Voters Shocked Christie Botched Such An Easy Political Cover-Up #~# WASHINGTON—Following revelations this week that staffers under New Jersey Governor Chris Christie manipulated traffic in a small New Jersey town to punish its mayor, mortified Americans across the nation reported that they were shocked to learn the potential 2016 presidential candidate could possibly fumble such an easy political cover-up. “Man, this guy wants to be President of the United States and he can’t even conceal an act of corruption this rinky-dink and run-of-the-mill from voters? It’s crazy,” Newark resident Carolyn Baum said in agreement with millions of stunned Americans, adding that she holds potential presidential candidates to much higher standards of subterfuge and graft. “I mean, this is a total softball. If he can’t even bully one little small-town mayor into submission by oppressing his constituents and get away with it, how can we reasonably believe he’s politically skilled enough to cover up national scandals like orchestrating a foreign war, illegally colluding with big business, or violating the civil liberties of millions of Americans? It’s a little scary, to be honest.” At press time, many Americans reported their faith in Christie’s presidential qualifications was somewhat restored after he released a series of statements pinning the blame on others and throwing top aides under the bus.
My Fellow Americans, Look At Me: Do I Look Like A Corrupt, Vengeful Bully? #~# I must admit, the past two days have been the most humbling of my entire career. I was shocked and disgusted to learn of the deplorable conduct of a member of my staff, who, without my knowledge, orchestrated lane closures on the George Washington Bridge, deliberately causing major traffic congestion in order to exact political vengeance against a local mayor who didn’t endorse me for reelection. Though I promptly fired the aide in question and repeatedly stressed that I had no prior knowledge of her actions, many have continued to accuse me of being complicit in this incident. And to those who do, I can only ask that you simply look at me, right now, and just ask yourself one question: Do I look like a corrupt, vengeful, openly antagonistic bully to you?
Adopted Child Sick Of Gay Parents Forcing Him To Watch Them Have Sex #~# LACONIA, NH—Saying that the experience has been highly detrimental to his development as a happy, healthy, and spiritually grounded member of society, local adopted child Nicholas Brown told reporters Thursday he has grown sick and tired of his homosexual parents always forcing him to watch while they have sex.
Worst Sports Teams #~# Onion Sports examines the most awful teams throughout the history of athletic competition.
Tips For Getting Over The Flu #~# Flu season is in full swing with at least 25 states reporting widespread cases of the illness. Here are The Onion’s tips for beating the flu:
Australia Puts 300 Sharks On Twitter #~# To prevent attacks on beachgoers, Australian government researchers have tagged 338 sharks with transmitters that send out an alert via Twitter anytime one of the animals swims within a half mile of a beach. What do you you think?
Mannequin Must Think He’s Some Pretty Hot Shit #~# EAST GARDEN CITY, NY—Speculating that he probably believes he looks all cool in his hip little outfit, patrons at the Roosevelt Field Shopping Mall told reporters Saturday that the mannequin in the window of Urban Outfitters must think he’s some pretty hot shit.
Hampton Inn Concierge Has Long Working Relationship With Chili’s Hostess #~# RALEIGH, NC—Boasting of his “special arrangement” at the popular casual-dining restaurant, Hampton Inn concierge Albert Roush explained Wednesday evening that he has a “long working relationship” with Janice, the second-shift hostess at the Chili’s across the intersection. “Let’s just say we look out for each other,” Roush said of his mutually beneficial deal with the 35-year-old food-service staffer. “I’ve recommended Chili’s to a lot of our guests over the years, and she’s comped my Beef Bacon Ranch Quesadillas on more than one occasion. I scratch her back, she scratches mine, if you get me.” Roush was later overheard telling a group of guests that if they want a table at the restaurant, they should just let him know and “[he’ll] see what [he] can do.”
‘It’s Not Too Late To Reverse The Alarming Trend Of Climate Change,’ Scientists Who Know It’s Too Late Announce #~# GENEVA—With the implementation of tighter carbon emissions caps and more responsible household energy use, it is not too late to reverse the dire course of global warming, a panel of scientists who know full well that it is far too late and we are all doomed told reporters today. “If we all do our part right now to design and enforce more responsible business and environmental practices, there’s still a good chance we can avoid the calamitous consequences of worldwide climate change,” said climatologist Dr. Kevin Little, a man who, deep in his heart, knows all too acutely that it’s over, there’s not a damned thing we can do, and so we might as well just start preparing now for what is certain to be the unprecedented destruction of human civilization at the hands of a ravaged ecosystem. “It will take massive investment and cooperation on a global scale, but I’m optimistic we can be in good shape by around 2030 or so.” The researchers who awake each morning with the grim realization that they are bearing witness to mankind’s sad, inevitable endgame also suggested there is still very much a chance of stabilizing the rapid loss of Arctic sea ice.
Classmates Admit School Shooter Showed Them, Showed Them All #~# DAKOTA SPRINGS, NE—Speaking to reporters for the first time since Dakota Springs High School sophomore Brian Sutterman fatally shot eight fellow students and took his own life on Tuesday, Sutterman’s classmates admitted this morning that he sure did show them.
Shy Man Narrowly Evades Free Sample #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—Turning his gaze downward just in time to avoid eye contact, shy local man Carl Huskins narrowly avoided a gregarious product representative offering toothpicked morsels of teriyaki chicken at an area Rouses supermarket, sources confirmed Sunday. “Wow, that was close,” the awkward and visibly rattled 41-year-old said following the near-encounter, which reportedly caused him to pivot his shopping cart around abruptly so he could escape down the pet food aisle rather than risk social interaction with a stranger. “Thank God I got out of there. I would have been stuck struggling to make some kind of small talk and racking my brain for a way to end the exchange without sounding like a jerk. Now I just need to play it cool and act like I’m looking for something, even though I don’t actually need anything from this aisle.” According to reports, the sheepish man was later paralyzed with fear upon realizing the store had removed its self-checkout lines and he would be forced to interact with a human cashier.
Grantland Game Recap Completely Omits Influence Of ‘NYPD Blue’ On Modern Ensemble Dramas #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling the exclusion “an embarrassing oversight,” visitors to Grantland today criticized the online sports publication for its notably deficient recap of a recent matchup between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Dallas Mavericks, complaining that the write-up completely omits any mention of NYPD Blue’s enormous influence on the modern ensemble drama format. “Were they even watching the same game?” Grantland reader Jeremy Cortina said of the site’s incomplete recap of last night’s Lakers-Mavericks contest, which failed to make even one reference to the ABC police procedural’s immense impact on such essentials of the canon as The Shield and The Wire. “I went into that article looking for the basics—how NYPD Blue foreshadowed creator David Milch’s later work on Deadwood, instances in which modern ensemble casts have liberally borrowed from the classic on-camera rapport displayed between leads Jimmy Smits and Dennis Franz, and how this gritty crime drama reflected the uncertainties of the Clinton administration. But it’s just a bunch of trivial stuff about stats and injuries, which team won the game, and the David O. Russell film American Hustle. Do they actually think we care about this junk?” Cortina added that he hadn’t been so disappointed in a Grantland article since its recent retrospective of Jackie Robinson’s impact on race relations in baseball failed to attempt even a passing analysis of The Cure’s Disintegration.
High Praise Makes Kids With Low Self-Esteem Feel Worse #~# A new study published in the journal Psychological Science found that giving excessive praise to children with low self-esteem may actually make them feel worse, as inflated praise can put more pressure on them to consistently meet high expectations and compel them to shrink away from difficult challenges. What do you think?
Ultra-HD "4K" Televisions Replacing 3D TVs In Stores #~# Five years after the industry touted 3D TVs as the future of home entertainment, manufacturers at Monday’s International Consumer Electronics Show announced that they are phasing out their 3D TV lineups in favor of Ultra-HD “4K" televisions capable of showing video at four times the pixel resolution of standard HDTVs. What do you think?
Media Company Looking For Ways To Get Rid Of Veteran 24-Year-Old Employee #~# NEW YORK—Noting that he has been with them “forever” and is taking good money away from younger, hungrier colleagues, executives at WebTrender Media have been quietly exploring options for getting rid of 24-year-old veteran employee Jason Rugg, sources within the company confirmed today. “Jason has had valuable moments for this company over the course of his long, 18-month career with us, but at this point he’s definitely overstayed his welcome,” WebTrender CEO Ben Parisi said of the website’s Senior News Editor, adding that Rugg currently earns the highest salary of his department at $33,000 per year and predates the majority of his coworkers by months. “Sure, he was a great content aggregator once, but the reality is that the world has changed since Jason started out here at 22 years old, and it just doesn’t make sense to keep dead weight around anymore. I mean, the guy’s a dinosaur. The last person in editorial who even remembers Jason was Heidi, and she’s from the old guard hired back in 2013.” At press time, company executives had reportedly scrapped their course of action after discovering the veteran employee was technically just an intern.
Delta Airlines Counter Agent Assures Man He Will Never See His Family Again #~# NEWARK, NJ—Citing the recent extreme winter weather that has caused widespread flight delays and cancellations across the country, Delta Airlines counter agent Karen Reinhardt gave stranded man Rod Sloan her personal assurance Tuesday that he will never, ever see his family again. “Sir, you have my word, the word of our Newark crew, and the assurance of the entire Delta Airlines corporation that you will never feel your wife’s warm embrace or see the loving faces of your three young children ever again,” said Reinhardt, who also guaranteed that the recent holidays Sloan spent with his family will surely be his last. “I promise that you are now a man with no family, no home, no center; an outcast; a wanderer unmoored to all you once held dear, left to start anew in a cold and forbidding land. Let me know if there is anything else we can help you with.” Reinhardt went on to reassure Sloan that he would never lay eyes on his checked baggage again, either.
Delusional Man Somehow Thinks He’s Going To Get Oscar Nomination #~# LOS ANGELES—According to sources close to the sadly delusional man, a pathetic Hollywood local is under the impression that he is actually on the verge of receiving an Academy Award nomination for Best Actor. “He mentioned to me recently that he thought his chances of being Oscar-nominated for a movie he was in this year were pretty good and I just thought, ‘Oh my God, how pitiful is this? This poor bastard actually thinks he’s got a shot at an Academy Award nomination,’” said an anonymous source of the heartbreakingly misguided man, who reports confirmed is so completely deluded that he genuinely believes there is “buzz” around his performance in the film, and that all of Hollywood not only knows him, but is talking about him. “I mean, to be so clueless and so lacking in any kind of perspective or self-awareness that you actually think the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is going to recognize your work with an Oscar nomination? I just wanted to say to him, ‘What, are you nuts? That is never going to happen.’ I guess Hollywood is full of people like him, though: wishers and dreamers. It’s pretty sad.” At press time, the man’s agent and manager were apparently just going to let the confused man believe his pitiful little hopes and dreams for the next couple of weeks before they are officially crushed forever on January 16th.
Taxpayer Outraged #~# PETERSBURG, VA—Claiming that this is unacceptable and he just won’t stand for it, a local taxpayer expressed outrage Tuesday, sources confirmed. “This is an outrage,” said the visibly angry man, who indicated that he pays federal, state, and local taxes. “Can you believe this crap?” A second local taxpayer standing nearby reportedly voiced his agreement with the man, stating that, indeed, this crap was an outrage and not to be believed.
Girlfriend Overdoses On Lotion #~# PURCHASE, NY—Area girlfriend Caroline Nagler remains in stable condition at White Plains Hospital today, resting in a medically induced coma after suffering an apparent overdose of scented lotion, sources confirm.
NFL Scouts Impressed By College Quarterback’s Ability To Elude Criminal Justice System #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Agreeing that the young phenom has what it takes to escape responsibility for his actions in the big leagues, a group of NFL scouts confirmed Tuesday that they are incredibly impressed by a local college quarterback’s proven ability to elude the criminal justice system. “From what we’ve seen so far, this guy can maneuver around just about any accusation you throw at him,” said Jacksonville Jaguars director of college scouting Kyle O’Brien, who speculated that the budding signal caller’s unique ability to sidestep serious criminal charges under pressure would lead him to a long, fruitful career of committing heinous crimes and then somehow being exonerated for them on a professional level. “Nothing sticks to him. Even when he’s facing allegations that could do irreparable damage to his reputation and career, he’s the type of natural athlete who is so slippery that he can improbably find a way out. You just normally don’t see that kind of evasiveness in a felon his age.” O’Brien noted that, as has been the case with many successful athletes in the past, the quarterback’s imposing capacity to commit an unspeakable crime and then avoid any kind of consequences whatsoever is only made possible by those around him, including his school’s athletic director, a cooperative state prosecutor, and the media.
Offensive Lineman Opens Up Massive Hole In His Frontal Cortex #~# PASADENA, CA—Exploding out of the three-point stance and driving the Auburn defender backwards, Florida State left guard Josue Matias reportedly opened up a massive hole in his frontal cortex Monday during the National Championship game. “Wow, he just slammed into the defensive lineman with such unbelievable force,” commentator Brent Musburger said of the catastrophic collision that created a huge hole in the middle of the frontal lobe and sprang the Seminoles’ ball carrier free for a three-yard gain. “He came barreling up the field and BOOM, just loosened the whole thing up. This is a BCS Championship memory that he’ll always [scarcely] remember.” Following the play, a dazed and disoriented Matias wandered back 15 yards after a teammate was penalized for clipping.
Colorado Sees Boom In “Pot Tourism” After Legalization #~# Following its legalization of recreational marijuana sales on Jan. 1, Colorado has seen crowds of out-of-state “pot tourists” traveling there to buy the drug from legal dispensaries and to sign up for “pot tours" that bus them from seller to seller. What do you think?
Congress’ Agenda For 2014 #~# The 113th United States Congress returns to Capitol Hill this week. Here are some of the key issues that will define their upcoming session:
‘Polar Vortex’ Hits Nation With Record-Low Temperatures #~# A mass of freezing air that began in the Arctic hit the middle of the country with its coldest weather in two decades on Monday, with some states in the Plains and Midwest facing windchill temperatures below -50 degrees Fahrenheit and many districts deciding to close public schools for the day. What do you think?
Big, Sloppy Chicken Parm Hovers Alluringly Above Nation #~# WASHINGTON—Eliciting reactions of wonder and awe in millions of Americans since appearing on the nation’s skyline this week, a giant, sloppy chicken parmesan sandwich continues to hover enticingly above the continental United States with no sign as to its origin or greater purpose, sources across the country are reporting.
Study Finds 90% Of Adopted Children’s Biological Parents Own Mansions #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—A study released Thursday by sociologists at the University of Michigan has found that 90 percent of the biological parents of adopted children ages 6 to 12 are millionaires who own sprawling mansions with huge backyards. “According to our data, nearly all parents who once put their children up for adoption now own luxurious estates with vast grounds that include an Olympic-sized pool, a stable for ponies, and big tree houses that have all the latest video game consoles hooked up to giant TV screens,” said head researcher Joren Offerman, adding that a vast majority of the biological parents were professional basketball players, astronauts, or royalty. “Nine in 10 of these parents have apparently struck it rich, willing to pay for unlimited trips to Disney World, all the coolest clothes, exotic pets such as boa constrictors and giraffes, and destination birthday parties in Hawaii at which everyone invited arrives by private jet and there are live appearances by performers like One Direction and Katy Perry.” The study concluded that every night, the parents lie awake in bed, thinking about the children they gave up and how much they love and miss them.
Nation Finishes Romantically Pairing Off Except For The Losers #~# WASHINGTON—Officials announced today that, as of this morning, every last person in the entire nation has successfully paired off with their respective romantic partner and is enjoying a fulfilling relationship, with the exception of all the losers. “Everyone in the United States who is in any way attractive or desirable is now happily coupled with a significant other,” said Census Bureau deputy director Nancy Potok, noting that the whole of the American populace, minus the losers, officially completed the coupling process at 11:30 a.m. today, when Atlanta residents Keri Fowler and Curtis Jones decided to start seeing each other exclusively. “The remaining single people out there have been deemed entirely unappealing by all potential mates. If you’re not in a relationship now, you never will be. Our research has confirmed that some people in this world simply don’t deserve love.” Potok added that there was zero possibility of the single losers being able to pair off with other single losers, due to the fact that they’re all such total losers.
Any Of You Cocksuckers Feel Like A New Fucking Neil Simon Play? #~# So I got to thinking the other day. I was looking through the countless Tony awards, Emmy awards, honorary degrees, and Pulitzer Prizes I’ve received over my celebrated 52-year career and it hit me: You know what, it’s been quite a while since I, Neil Simon, lit up the Great White Way with one of my bittersweet theatrical confections. So how ‘bout it, assholes—any of you sons of bitches feel like a new show from yours fucking truly?
Tips For Keeping Warm This Winter #~# Millions of people are looking for ways to keep warm as temperatures plunge across the nation. Here are The Onion’s tips for staying comfortable during the coldest days of winter:
Chinese Air Pollution Visible From Space #~# Highlighting the severity of China’s pollution crisis, NASA published satellite photos showing a thick haze of smog and air pollution spanning 750 miles from Shanghai to Beijing, or about the distance between Boston and Raleigh, NC. What do you think?
Home Crowd Disagrees With Ref’s Call But Respects His Decision #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Following a controversial call Saturday, the home crowd at Lucas Oil Stadium told reporters that they disagree with the referee but respect his decision. “‘Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit’ is something you might mindlessly chant at a time like this if you didn’t realize that this ref is simply doing a very tough job to the best of his abilities,” said Rob White, 29, speaking on behalf of the roughly 67,000 Colts fans in attendance, all of whom conceded that the benefits of a neutral party upholding the rules and regulations of a professional sporting event far outweigh the occasional officiating errors. “None of us would have thrown that flag, but then again, from our vantage point, we might have missed something that he saw. Regardless, it’s important that we accept his ruling in order to maintain the legitimacy of positivist law in football. We’re ready to move on.” At press time, Colts head coach Chuck Pagano was reportedly pulling the referee aside to tell him that, while he might have made a mistake in calling this particular penalty, his efforts are still very much appreciated.
New Forced-Retirement Community Opens For Local 60-Year-Olds #~# TAMPA, FL—Offering a “safe and friendly environment” for newly jobless older residents, the Pine Meadows Forced-Retirement Community opened its doors Friday to local 60-year-olds who have been hastily ousted from their workplaces by downsizing. “We here at Pine Meadows are proud to welcome all of you who aren’t quite in your golden years, but who nevertheless have no choice but to accept that your productive days are suddenly a thing of the past,” said facility director Phil Garsten at the grand opening, noting that the community offers a variety of residence and meal packages at price ranges to suit any substandard severance package. “Our facility offers satellite television, fully equipped game and exercise rooms, nightly social activities, and dozens of other entertaining diversions from the ignominious disgrace you’ve suffered after decades of thankless service to your former employer. And our attentive staff is ready around the clock to listen to you try to make sense of how things could have ended up like this.” Garsten added that the facility also features its own replica office environment, where residents can perform basic work tasks during the day to make them feel as if their lives still retain some semblance of purpose.
Roger Goodell Fired After Another .500 Season #~# NEW YORK—Calling his sustained mediocrity “simply unacceptable,” the NFL’s owners reportedly elected Friday to fire Roger Goodell following his eighth consecutive .500 season as league commissioner. “As much as we appreciate what he has done for this organization, 127-127-2 frankly just doesn’t cut it,” said executive vice president Joe Siclare, noting that Goodell’s record included “inexcusable” losses to the Redskins, Jaguars, and Jets. “We thought Roger would lead us forward from the Tagliabue era and create a winning culture, but unfortunately he’s only delivered more .500 football. Our fans expect better than that, and so do we.” Sources confirmed that NFL owners are confident they can start winning soon if they finally pick up a decent quarterback in the 2014 draft.
Local Church Full Of Brainwashed Idiots Feeds Town’s Poor Every Week #~# MACON, GA—Sources confirmed today that the brainwashed morons at First Baptist Assembly of Christ, all of whom blindly accept whatever simplistic fairy tales are fed to them, volunteer each Wednesday night to provide meals to impoverished members of the community. “Unfortunately, there are a lot of people in town who have fallen on hard times and are unable to afford to put food on the table, so we try to help out as best we can,” said 48-year-old Kerri Bellamy, one of the mindless sheep who adheres to a backward ideology and is incapable of thinking for herself, while spooning out homemade shepherd’s pie to a line of poor and homeless individuals. “It feels great to share our blessings with the less fortunate. Plus, it’s fun to work alongside all the members of our [corrupt institution of propaganda and lies] who come out each week.” As of press time, the brainless, unthinking lemmings had donated winter clothing they no longer wore to several needy families and still hadn’t opened their eyes to reality.
Dad’s Tough Exterior Hides Angry, Resentful Center #~# SAGINAW, MI—Sources close to local father Wayne Abrams confirmed Thursday that, while his tough exterior might initially fool casual observers, the 45-year-old’s gruff demeanor actually conceals a deeply angry and resentful center. “Sure, Dad seems all strong and tough on the outside, but underneath that is a simmering rage that he doesn’t always show people,” said Abrams’ eldest daughter Bethany, 16, who added that her father is “really mean and hurtful when you get to know him.” “He comes off a little cold at first, but it’s kind of funny because it’s nowhere near as cruel and spiteful as he truly is deep down. You just have to wait for him to share his hateful side with you. And trust me, if you hang around long enough, you’ll really be amazed at how despicable he can be.” Abrams added that her mother’s chipper exterior concealed an even more bitter and resentful core than her father’s.
New Report Confirms You Are Most Interesting, Most Important Individual On Earth #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—A comprehensive report released this week by researchers at the University of North Carolina confirmed widely held assumptions that you are the most significant and interesting person currently inhabiting the earth.
Study: Majority Of Web Traffic Not Human #~# Researchers found that humans accounted for only 38.5 percent of the traffic on the internet in 2013, with the remaining 61.5 percent of traffic being driven by bots, automated hacking programs, and various other computer scripts that emulate human actors. What do you think?
Adults More Likely Than Teens To Use Phone While Driving #~# Challenging popular beliefs, a report by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety found that adults were actually far more likely to text or talk on the phone while driving than teenagers. What do you think?
NFL Referee Can’t Believe How Old He Looks In Video Replay #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Spending several minutes staring incredulously at the monitor in the official review booth, NFL head referee Ron Winter reportedly could not believe how old he looked in a video replay used in a coach’s challenge Sunday. “Jesus, is this what I look like all the time?” Winter said aloud as he watched the footage of himself giving the signal for a completed catch, reportedly zooming in to inspect his deep facial wrinkles that he had never noticed before. “There’s all this skin sagging around my throat, I’ve got these jowls, and where the hell did that stomach come from? I just seem so tired and worn. Oh Christ, look at how slowly I’m hobbling across the field, like some doddering old fool.” According to sources, Winter then closed his eyes and emitted a deep sigh after pausing the replay at the moment his hat flew off.
Man On First Date Cunningly Leaves Behind One Of His Fingers At Woman’s House #~# CHICAGO—Seeking to ensure a second date with local woman Rebecca Murphy, marketing analyst Mark Klinger cleverly removed his right pinky finger during their date Saturday evening and intentionally left it between cushions in Murphy’s living room sofa, the 29-year-old confirmed to reporters this morning. “I could tell as soon as I met Rebecca that I wanted to see her again, so when she got up to get a drink, I quickly chopped off my finger, tucked it into her couch, and then kept my hand in my pocket for the rest of the night so she wouldn’t notice anything,” said Klinger, explaining that he initially considered cutting off one of his legs and slipping it underneath the coffee table, but ultimately decided that Murphy might realize he was missing something when he got up to leave. “It’s the perfect plan. Now all I have to do to is call her and ask, ‘Did I leave one of my fingers at your house?’ and I’m guaranteed to see her again. Even if she says she hasn’t seen it, I can say, ‘Well, one of my fingers is gone and the last time I saw it was at your place.’ I really can’t lose.” At press time, an uninterested Murphy told Klinger that she would just leave the severed digit outside her front door for him to pick up while she was at work.
Area CEO Likes To Think Of Family As Small, Close-Knit Business #~# NEW YORK—Expressing his pride in the group’s dedication and “synergy,” Positech CEO Brian Maschler told reporters Monday that he has always liked to think of his family as a small, tight-knit business. “When I look at my wife and three kids, I don’t just see a family—I see a tiered personnel structure composed of four valued team members who share common goals,” said Maschler, noting that he admired each individual’s commitment to furthering the long-term growth and prosperity of the Maschler brand name. “To me, they’re more like a reliable, cohesive staff. And I care about each one of them like they were part of my own payroll.” The executive added that if any family member ever needs anything from him, they would be perfectly welcome to schedule a meeting to discuss the matter.
New Antidepressant Makes Friends’ Problems Seem Worse #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Offering a promising new treatment for those suffering from depression, pharmaceutical manufacturer Eli Lilly introduced a new antidepressant Wednesday that causes patients to perceive their friends’ problems as far worse than their own. “After just a single dose, clinical trial participants’ moods improved dramatically as they began to believe that each of their close friends was struggling with serious financial, professional, familial, and medical issues,” said drug developer Eugenio Risso, explaining that 9 out of 10 subjects reported markedly lower levels of pessimism, self-doubt, and generalized unhappiness after they began to sense that those around them were on the verge of full-scale emotional breakdowns. “This drug allows depressed patients to concentrate exclusively on their friends’ troubles and mentally magnify them, enabling them to, for example, construe an insignificant argument between a couple they know as a sign that these individuals are in the middle of a catastrophic marital crisis. And we found that that thought alone is enough to improve the subject’s mood for a week or longer.” Risso warned that patients must not exceed recommended dosages of the drug, as extreme magnification of former classmates’ and coworkers’ misery was found to produce an overwhelming and highly addictive sense of euphoria.
Taking Pictures Harms Memory #~# According to a recent study, individuals were less likely to remember details of objects they saw if they took photographs of these items rather than if they simply observed them. What do you think?
Attractive Students Given Higher Grades #~# A recent study found that attractive students tend to be given significantly higher grades in school, receive more attention from their teachers, and are more likely to attend college compared to less attractive students. What do you think?
Study: U.S. Anti-Smoking Efforts Have Saved 8 Million Lives #~# The Journal Of The American Medical Association estimates 8 million American lives have been saved by anti-smoking measures since 1964, when the first surgeon general’s report on the dangers of tobacco was published. What do you think?
National Milk Industry Drops "Got Milk" #~# Two decades after launching it's famous "Got Milk" campaign featuring celebrities with milk mustaches, the national milk industry has phased out the iconic slogan in favor of the tagline "Milk Life," which officials say will put emphasis on milk's nutritional content. What do you think?
Political Cartoonist’s Wife Finds Disturbing Nude Drawings Of Uncle Sam #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—While looking through a drawer in her husband’s desk Friday, a shocked Gwen Royer, wife of Nast Award–winning political cartoonist Herbert M. Royer, discovered a large cache of drawings that reportedly depict a fully nude Uncle Sam engaging in a wide array of lurid acts. “I don’t know how anyone could even think of all the vile things I saw Uncle Sam doing, let alone commit them to pen and paper,” a visibly trembling Royer said of the hundreds of images drawn by her husband that show the top-hat-clad and fully exposed personification of the United States in all manner of perverse situations, from hoisting Old Glory up his immense, erect penis, to having his face squatted on by a blindfolded Lady Justice, to using both his hands to simultaneously masturbate a male elephant and a male donkey. “There’s no satiric angle, or even a joke in most of these pictures. He just has Uncle Sam doing all sorts of filthy, depraved things, whether it’s flicking his tongue into the crack in the Liberty Bell or pouring a barrel labeled ‘Middle East Oil’ all over his taut, naked body. I don’t even want to tell you what he was doing with a rolled-up copy of the Constitution.” Though Royer stated that every one of the drawings appalled her, she conceded that a particular cartoon in which an anthropomorphized outline of China sodomises a bent-forward Uncle Sam using a thick bar of gold “actually made a pretty good point.”
Stripper Surprised She Only Talked To 2 Homicide Detectives Today #~# NASHVILLE, TN—After finishing her last performance of the night at local topless bar the Treasure Chest, exotic dancer Candice Hart, 27, expressed surprise Thursday that she had spoken to just two homicide detectives total over the course of her six-hour shift. “Sure, a cop came in to grill me about Shawna’s disappearance, and then a plainclothes officer asked me if I knew any pseudonyms our regular Robert might have used at any point—but honestly, by this point in the night, I’ve usually been asked if I can identify a perp in a security camera still or a victim in a crime scene photo four or five times already,” Hart told reporters, adding that, bizarrely, she hadn’t directed a single brusque, no-nonsense investigator toward the club’s manager Artie Balducci at all during the evening. “Even on weekdays, I can barely get back up on stage before someone from the second precinct comes in, flashes his badge, and explains that Nicole or Jasmine or someone just turned up in a field alongside the interstate and my life is in danger. But today? Nothing. I guess it’s just a slow night.” At press time, Hart noted that things may be “getting back to normal” after walking backstage to find a detective talking to a weeping crowd of her fellow employees.
How Oscar Winners Are Selected #~# Members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences have until Tuesday, Feb. 25 to cast their Oscar ballots. Here is the process by which Academy members will select this year’s winners:
Study: ‘Tetris’ Can Help Curb Food, Cigarette Cravings #~# According to a new study, playing Tetris can help curb cravings for food, cigarettes, alcohol, and other temptations by as much as 25 percent because the visual stimulation provided by the game gives users an “essential boost in willpower.” What do you think?  
FDA Proposes Altering Nutrition Labels #~# The FDA is proposing significant changes to nutrition labels on food packaging, such as emphasizing calorie count by visually enlarging that number and recalculating portion sizes to more accurately reflect how much people eat in one serving. What do you think?
Modern Science Still Only Able To Predict One Upcoming Tetris Block #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—During a press conference Thursday at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, leading members of the scientific community confirmed that despite decades of research, the best available theoretical models still cannot predict more than one upcoming Tetris block.
Tips For Troubleshooting Your Computer #~# Even the most experienced user can run into error messages, software crashes, hardware malfunctions, and other issues with their computer. Here are some tips for keeping your machine running smoothly:
Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob #~# LAWRENCE, KS—Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn’t actually be all that hard. “Given that the place is open 24 hours and there’s only ever one guy working behind the counter at night, all you’d have to do is hang around until there are no other customers in there and then sharply tell the cashier you have a gun, and you could probably take that place for all the money in its till without any problem at all,” read the 40-page report, which noted that, even if the cashier triggered a silent alarm, the nearest police station is on the other side of town and it’s not like you couldn’t just run out the door at the first sound of sirens anyway. “Really, if you just left your car running, waved a knife around a little bit, and held open a bag for the cashier to stuff money into, you could be in and out of there in 45 seconds, easy. Nothing really stopping you from grabbing a dozen cartons of cigarettes and a roll of scratch-off tickets on the way out either.” The report went on to speculate that if Carl was working the graveyard shift, a prospective thief could probably just drag the whole ATM into a waiting pickup truck, no problem.
Coach Pretty Sure Heated Locker Room Dispute Over Unpaid Gambling Debts Will Work Itself Out #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Stressing that there is “probably no need to get involved,” Charlotte Bobcats head coach Steve Clifford expressed confidence Thursday that a fierce ongoing dispute over unpaid gambling debts between two of his players will just work itself out. “They seem pretty upset right now, but I’m sure that if I give them some time and space, they’ll settle it amongst themselves before anything boils over,” said Clifford, adding that seeing the players physically restrained by teammates while one furiously demands that the other “pay the fuck up right now” is almost certainly just normal banter between guys in the locker room. “Given that they were only talking about a few thousand dollars from a card game, I’m sure they’ll resolve the whole thing pretty quickly—after all, these guys are professionals, so they know how to conduct themselves. It’s probably best for me to totally steer clear of this one and just let them handle it. Nothing much to worry about.” Clifford also confirmed that rumors circulating about both players keeping unregistered firearms in their lockers are “likely just a joke.”
Disturbing Fast Food Truth Not Exactly A Game-Changer For Impoverished Single Mom Of 3 #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Despite the release of a new documentary exposing the disturbing practices and adverse health effects associated with the fast food industry, impoverished single mother of three Karen Ford told reporters Thursday that the revelations in the shocking new film haven’t exactly “flipped [her] world upside down.” “Look, I’m working two minimum-wage jobs just to keep my kids fed and clothed, so I can’t say I’m quite ready to throw the playbook out the window just because the cheapest and only locally convenient source of food happens to contain some GMOs and trans fats,” Ford told reporters, noting that the film’s advocacy of cooking most meals at home from fresh produce and sustainably raised meats hasn’t really changed the fact that her take-home pay is just under $400 a week. “Hey, I’d love for my children to be eating perfect five-dollar florets of broccoli and fresh-caught fish from a fancy organic grocer, but the closest one of those stores is four towns away and, after paying for a roof over my kids’ heads and keeping the water flowing in our home, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that our food budget might not be quite big enough to feed me seven nights a week, let alone three growing kids. So I can’t say these hard new truths about fast food have really been a deal-breaker for my family’s dietary habits.” Ford added that she would definitely sit right down and intently watch the full documentary the minute she had a few hours free from her 75-hour workweek and around-the-clock parenting duties.
‘People’ To Stop Publishing Photos Of Celeb Kids #~# Citing the need to curb aggressive paparazzi tactics, People magazine announced that they would no longer be publishing photos of celebrity children taken without the parents’ consent. What do you think?
CDC: Obesity Down 43% Among Babies #~# New data from the CDC revealed that obesity rates among children aged 2 to 5 dropped 43 percent over the past decade, which researchers attribute in part to children consuming less sugar, more mothers breastfeeding, and policies aimed at helping kids stay fit. What do you think?
Dick Vitale Undergoes Annual Bracketological Examination #~# SARASOTA, FL—Emphasizing the importance of having a healthy 68-team field, college basketball analyst Dick Vitale confirmed Tuesday that he underwent his annual bracketological exam at Sarasota Memorial Hospital. “It’s obviously not the most pleasant experience, but you gotta have a bracketological checkup at least once a year just to make sure everything is okay—give me that peace of mind any day of the week, baby!” Vitale said of the invasive 20-minute screening, which entailed a deep and thorough probing of all four of his regional brackets, as well as detailed measurements of both his RPI and SOS levels. “I had a little scare when I noticed I had the University of Richmond coming out of the A10, but the doctor told me it’s nothing to be worried about. Still, better to catch anything like that before the first round rather than wait until it’s too late and wake up to a busted bracket. Love that preventative care! Love it!” After inspecting his at-large bids for abnormally high seeds, Vitale’s bracketologist reportedly warned the 74-year-old to diligently check his tournament bubble every day for any large and prominent upsets.
Study: Online Content Creators Outnumber Consumers 2,000 To 1 #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study published Monday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, for every person who reads, listens to, or watches some form of media on the internet, there are approximately 2,000 individuals engaged in creating new online content. “In terms of web-based entertainment, journalism, and personal opinion pieces, creators now outnumber consumers by a factor of several hundred thousand percent—meaning that for every one viewer, there are dozens of fully staffed companies churning out articles, videos, blogs, vlogs, and countless social media posts hoping to lure that person to click,” said bureau commissioner Erica Groshen, adding that during each minute of online video streamed by a consumer, another whole lifetime’s worth of video content is uploaded. “Furthermore, our analysis found that the massive increase in internet usage over the past two decades was due almost entirely to people going online to publish text or images they themselves had produced and then repeatedly hitting the refresh button to see if anyone else has looked at their work.” Reports later confirmed that the six people who worked on this article are the only ones currently reading it.
Close-Minded Man Not Even Willing To Hear Out Argument On Why Homosexuality An Abomination #~# DULUTH, KS—Claiming it is “impossible” to get him to consider different points of view, exasperated acquaintances of local man Kyle Dunham told reporters Wednesday that the 34-year-old is completely unwilling to listen to even a single argument as to why homosexuality is an abomination.
Friend Attempting To Provide Comfort Has No Clue What The Fuck She’s Talking About #~# SEATTLE—In spite of her efforts to sit down with friend Alicia Wright and help her navigate recent romantic and professional problems, sources confirmed Wednesday that 27-year-old Jessica Dennett has absolutely no fucking idea whatsoever as to what she’s talking about. “I know it seems tough right now, but trust me, this is just a little bump in the road; things will be better before you know it,” said Dennett, whose earnest but completely inept attempts to provide comfort and support only served to reveal how unqualified she was to address her friend’s complex situation. “Believe me, I’ve been here before myself and it sucks. But it’s painful experiences like these that make us stronger in the end. And when you look back on this later, you’ll see that it’s not even as bad as you think it is now.” At press time, Wright was telling Dennett that her completely meaningless advice had been very helpful.
Monsanto Develops Hardier Strain Of Corn That Yields 4 Times Normal Litigation #~# ST. LOUIS—Agricultural biotech giant Monsanto unveiled its latest strain of genetically modified corn Wednesday, claiming that the new, hardier seed yields 400 percent more litigation against small independent farms than the company’s previous GMO products. “We are excited to introduce our newest variety of corn, which is capable of producing up to 1,000 patent infringement cases per growing season,” said Monsanto spokesman Richard Gringell, explaining that this proprietary strain of the large cereal grain had been carefully engineered to withstand even the harshest countersuits. “Moreover, our new variety can cross-pollinate with nearby farmers’ crops three times faster, generating new targets for legal action much more efficiently than before. In fact, just one acre of our new corn is able to bankrupt as many family farmers as 10 acres of our previous formula. It’s a huge leap forward for our company.” Gringell added that the particularly robust and litigious variety of corn only requires three lawyers to prosecute, saving on average $1,500 per hour the company can then allocate toward developing new pesticides whose resulting birth defects can’t be traced.
Why Has This Winter Been So Harsh? #~# The central and eastern parts of the United States are currently suffering through one of the coldest winters on record, with the so-called polar vortex returning yet again this week to the Midwest and Northeast. Here are The Onion’s answers to readers’ most common questions about this year’s unusual and bitterly cold winter:
Famous Locker Room Speeches #~# Onion Sports examines some of the greatest and most inspiring locker room speeches of all time.
Pentagon Proposes Scaling Back Army To Pre-WWII Levels #~# Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel proposed a new Pentagon budget that would shrink the U.S. Army to its smallest size in 74 years and retire an entire fleet of A-10 “Warthog” jets, cuts he said would allow for a more versatile, technologically advanced force. What do you think?
Taco Bell Introduces Breakfast Menu #~# In an effort to compete with McDonald’s and other fast food restaurants offering breakfast, Taco Bell has announced that it will begin serving a breakfast menu starting on March 27 with items such as the “Waffle Taco” and the “A.M. Crunchwrap.” What do you think?
Man Who Keeps Keys On Carabiner Must Rappel Into Office Building Every Morning #~# CHICAGO—Upon spotting the blue carabiner connecting his keys to his pants’ belt loop, coworkers of local software engineer Peter Slotnick speculated Tuesday that the 34-year-old man must rappel into their office building every morning. “After seeing the way Pete carries around his house keys and electronic office-door fob, it’s obvious to me that he begins each day by gliding effortlessly down a rope along the exterior of the building, skillfully bouncing off the façade every 10 feet or so,” said colleague Eileen Pickering, adding that after he descends to the 14th floor, Slotnick likely pushes off one final time before bursting through the window into the conference room, rolling across the floor, brushing bits of glass from his clothing, and seating himself for the company’s morning meeting. “I bet while we’re all taking the stairs or walking to lunch, he’s swinging over alleyways or maybe zip-lining his way around the city on a network of secured steel cables. He probably just clips that thing on and away he goes.” Coworkers added that the small Swiss Army knife Slotnick keeps on his keyring must come in handy on days he needs to skin and field-dress large game on his commute home.
Fourth-Grader Named Jackson To Someday Fire You #~# TORRINGTON, CT—Though he is as yet unaware of your existence and the two of you won’t even meet for another 23 years, sources confirmed Tuesday that a local fourth-grader named Jackson will one day fire you.
Provisions Of Arizona’s Proposed Anti-Gay Law #~# Last week, the Arizona legislature passed a bill allowing business owners to refuse service to homosexual customers if the owners claim such actions conflict with their religious beliefs. Here are some of the notable provisions of the proposed law:
Cancer Diagnosed With Skip Bayless #~# ‘It’s Stage IV Skip Bayless, The Loudest, Most Aggressive Kind,’ Say Doctors
American Airlines To Phase Out Complimentary Cabin Pressurization #~# FT. WORTH, TX—Explaining that the costs of the service have grown too high in recent years, American Airlines announced Tuesday that it will no longer offer free cabin pressurization to passengers starting March 15. “Unfortunately, to stay competitive as a legacy carrier in today’s air travel market, it no longer makes economic sense for us to provide breathable air at altitude,” said American Airlines CEO Doug Parker, noting that despite the cutbacks, air pressurization would still be available to first- and business-class travelers as well as those willing to pay an additional fee. “While we regret any altitude sickness, blood problems, dimmed vision, or hyperventilation that may result from air pressure less than a third normal levels, we remind our customers that such effects will diminish as soon as the aircraft descends below 10,000 feet.” Parker added that the company is also planning to discontinue complimentary landing gear on flights under four hours.
Reverend Al Sharpton Takes Time Off From Holy Duties To Make TV Appearance #~# NEW YORK—Taking a break from his busy schedule of pastoral duties, the Rev. Al Sharpton set aside time Monday evening to make an appearance on a cable news channel, sources have confirmed. “Given his professional obligations and personal devotion to spreading the Gospel, we were simply thrilled that the reverend was able to find time for us and come on our show,” television producer Sophie Josten said of the 59-year-old Baptist clergyman, who when not conducting a worship service, ministering to the sick, or teaching a seminar at a local divinity school reportedly prefers to spend his time sequestered in silent prayer. “After we showed him how to speak into his microphone properly and told him which camera to look into, he took to it like a pro, generously sharing his views on any topic that came up during the broadcast. He left in a hurry though, no doubt to spend his evening offering one-on-one spiritual counseling to members of his congregation, but we’re sure glad he was able to fit us in.” Sources close to the reverend confirmed that after quickly reprising his role as a guest host on WWE Raw, Sharpton’s next stop would be the hospice where he volunteers as a chaplain.
New ‘Doctors Without Licenses’ Program Provides Incompetent Medical Care To Refugees #~# GENEVA—Determined to provide shoddy, substandard care to the world’s refugees, the new humanitarian organization Doctors Without Licenses began sending its first wave of decertified physicians, pre-med undergraduates, and “those just curious about the human body” to conflict zones around the globe this week. “Our mission is simple: Wherever a displaced population is suffering from lack of medical attention, our dishonored and dangerously unqualified medical non-professionals will be there to deliver purely guesswork-based care and recalled medication free of charge,” said DWL Executive Director Phillipe Lapointe, who began practicing medicine earlier this week after downloading several episodes of House. “Within 24 hours, a team of critically inept DWL volunteers can be anywhere in the world misdiagnosing diseases, incorrectly suturing wounds, forgetting to sanitize instruments, or shrugging their shoulders during complications in childbirth. And we will stay until either the refugees can safely return to their homes or we run out of things to try.” Lapointe added that DWL is currently seeking donations, specifically any old needles or outdated medical textbooks people have lying around.
Amtrak Experimenting With Writers Residencies #~# Amtrak has begun offering a small number of writers residencies allowing participants to take free round-trip train rides for the purpose of writing, though company officials have stressed that plans to roll out the program on a larger scale remain tentative. What do you think?
World’s Most Wanted Drug Kingpin Captured #~# Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, head of the powerful Sinaloa cartel, was captured this weekend by a coalition of Mexican and American police forces following a 13-year manhunt. What do you think?
Debate Raging As To Whether Michael Jordan Or LeBron James Biggest Asshole To Ever Play Basketball #~# BRISTOL, CT—In what has become one of the most heated and longest running debates in sports, fans and players alike continue to weigh in on whether LeBron James or Michael Jordan is the biggest asshole to ever play basketball, sources confirmed today. “Jordan’s legacy as the all-time greatest prick to ever step onto the court is almost untouchable, but LeBron is definitely putting together a strong case as one of the most versatile pieces of shit we’ve ever seen,” said ESPN analyst Chris Broussard, noting that although the pair were assholes in two different eras, no other player in history comes close to producing the raw statistics of James and Jordan, from the number of people they’ve pissed off to how many times they’ve alienated or ignored teammates. “For a while people thought Kobe might end up being as big a bastard as Jordan, but now it’s pretty clear LeBron is his main challenger. MJ’s still got a significant edge, but if LeBron can finish strong with a few more years of unabashed arrogance, selfishness, and total lack of respect for his predecessors and contemporaries, he’ll finally become a complete, all-around fuckface worthy of the crown.” Broussard concluded that regardless of who is ultimately the greatest, it is unlikely the sport of basketball will ever see another player with such a natural ability to be a dominant, overbearing shithead.
Billions Of Electric Signals Between Neurons Allow Brain To Imagine What Michael Imperioli Looks Like #~# DAYTON, OH—Displaying an awe-inspiring processing ability unmatched by any machine yet devised, billions of electrical signals surged at light speed from neuron to neuron inside local woman Stacy McClintock’s brain Monday, reportedly allowing the local human resources manager to successfully construct a mental image of 47-year-old film and television actor Michael Imperioli. Sources confirmed that once stimulated, a flood of neurotransmitting chemicals burst across trillions of synapses within her gray matter in a matter of nanoseconds, igniting a fluid and breathtaking mosaic of electrical activity across her cerebral cortex that enabled her to visualize the swept-back hair, dark eyes, and thick brow of the star best known for his portrayal of Christopher Moltisanti on the HBO series The Sopranos. The staggeringly vast fusillade of neurological impulses is said to have not only allowed McClintock to picture Imperioli’s individual facial features, but to comprehend the whole of those discrete parts as well, and—by virtue of the unfathomably complex web of axons and dendrites working in concert on a scale 1,000 times more powerful than today’s fastest supercomputer—to also recall that the Moltisanti character had once been in an amusing scene in which he urinated on the side of Paulie Walnuts’ van. At press time, sources indicated the approximately 100 billion neurons composing McClintock’s brain—the miraculous biological end product of eons upon eons of evolution—had erroneously identified the image in her mind as the face of John Turturro.
Expressing Deeply Held Political Opinion Referred To As ‘Gaffe’ #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to quell the media firestorm surrounding controversial comments made last week by Kentucky Rep. Richard Wescott, aides to the congressman told reporters Monday that the exact expression of one of his deeply felt opinions was a regrettable “gaffe” and nothing more. “The representative misspoke,” a senior staffer said of Wescott’s decision to candidly state a conviction that has guided his entire three-decade career in public service and influenced most, if not all, of his legislation. “Going forward, Representative Wescott will work to [keep this cornerstone political belief silent when in the presence of cameras or microphones, and only allow it to inform the way he votes on bills and measures in Congress, represents the 600,000 individuals in his district, and assesses nearly every policy decision he is faced with]. He is truly sorry.” At press time, most of Westcott’s constituents had accepted his apology after he vowed to “give every ounce of effort” toward achieving several goals neither he nor they actually cared about one way or the other.
Area Man Coasting By On Good Looks, Work Ethic, In-Depth Knowledge Of Virginia Real Estate Law #~# GREENWAY, VA—Noting with evident resentment how he just breezes through life, local sources told reporters Monday that Howard Preston, 33, seemingly coasts by solely on his good looks, tireless work ethic, and extensive real estate law expertise. “Look at that prick; I guess when you have a chiseled physique, the stamina to put in back-to-back 90-hour work weeks, and a wide-ranging knowledge of Virginia zoning codes, everything just gets served to you on a silver platter,” said Daniel Husted, 38, adding that Preston acts like he deserves the advantages afforded by his 1,000-watt smile, respected local legal practice built from the ground up, rigorous three-year law school education, and gorgeous natural blond hair. “Guess what, buddy? Not everyone can skate by on an abiding commitment to self-discipline, a scholarly passion for justice, and a pair of shining baby-blue eyes. God, the luck and unrelenting dedication of some people!” Sources further noted that Preston’s wife, Jessica, probably only married him because he’s handsome, has a stable, well-paying job, is unfailingly kind, and selflessly devotes himself to building a long-term future for his family.
Cats, Dogs May See Things Invisible To Human Eye #~# A new study has found that cats, dogs, and many other mammals are able to detect UV light, which may allow them to see many things invisible to humans, such as urine marks and certain color patterns on flowers. What do you think?
Study: Best, Most Important Memories Made Before Age 25 #~# A recent study on retirees found that most people make their most important or life-changing memories before age 25, with subjects listing life transitions such as marriage and having children as their most important moments in life. What do you think?
German Leaders Quietly Confident They Could Pull Off Another Holocaust If They Ever Really Wanted #~# BERLIN—Though emphasizing there is zero possibility such plans will be carried out now or any time in the future, as easy as it would be to implement them, German officials quietly admitted this week that they could probably pull off another Holocaust if they really wanted to.
Pitchers, Catchers Report To Spring Training Bars #~# FT. MYERS, FL—MLB pitchers and catchers reported to spring training bars throughout Arizona and Florida Thursday, arriving early to properly loosen up and get back into drinking shape. “Everybody showed up on time to take advantage of the happy hour specials, and I’m confident that we are all ready to pound some brews and start this season off right,” said Red Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski, polishing off the last of a pitcher of Budweiser. “You always feel a bit rusty picking up women for the first time in four or five months, but once you get good and lit it all starts coming back pretty easily.” Local fans were reportedly excited to see their favorite ballplayers at practices, exhibition games, and passed out on barstools.
So-Called Christian Has Erection #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Alarmed and appalled sources confirmed today that in complete defiance of his biblical duty to live a life that is holy and pleasing to God, local 27-year-old and so-called Christian Jeff Daugherty currently has an erection.
Report: Maid Of Honor Not Even That Good Of Friends With Bride #~# LENOX, MA—Citing the pair’s apparent lack of regular communication and a general sense they had grown apart, bridal party sources confirmed Friday that Lindsay Kirkpatrick’s maid of honor, Allison Weiler, isn’t even all that good of friends with the bride, at least not since they were in college and even then you wouldn’t have said they were best friends or anything. “Alli? Really? Alli lives in Denver and they see each other like twice a year,” said Jess, 27, a reportedly super-close friend of Kirkpatrick’s, who went on to add that, yes, Lindsay obviously has a solid friendship with Alli, especially since they studied abroad together in Barcelona, but in the years since they graduated Jess, Kate, and Linds have become extremely close, noting that all three just went to New Orleans for a friends’ weekend and Linds never even mentioned inviting Alli. “Alli’s great, sure. And it’ll be so good to see her. But maid of honor? Am I missing something? I seriously don’t even remember the last time Linds brought her up in conversation. Lindsay talks to Tina more than Alli.” Bridal party sources added, I mean, Tina.
Loneliness Raises Risk Of Early Death #~# According to a new study by researchers at the University of Chicago, people age 55 and over who regularly feel lonely and isolated have a 14 percent higher risk of early death, partly because loneliness can lead to less restful sleep, high blood pressure, and diminished sense of well-being. What do you think?
Nestlé Recalls Hot Pockets #~# Nestlé is voluntarily recalling two varieties of its popular Hot Pockets microwaveable turnovers, “Philly Steak and Cheese” and “Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese,” because they may contain meat from “diseased and unsound” animals. What do you think?
Revelations From The Wells Report #~# With the recent release of Ted Wells’ report, Onion Sports examines what the NFL-ordered investigation discovered about workplace harassment within the Miami Dolphins.
Open Relationship Gives Couple Freedom To Emotionally Drain Other People From Time To Time #~# SCARSDALE, NY—Local couple Alison Fry and Peter Hartman told reporters Thursday they have both been pleased since opening up their relationship, saying the exciting new arrangement allowed them the freedom to psychologically wear down other people. “We decided that, at this point, we’re both comfortable enough with each other that we can go outside of the relationship and explore making someone else completely miserable, all while knowing that the two of us are the ones we truly care about devastating emotionally,” Fry explained of the agreement, which allows her and Hartman to guiltlessly seek out additional partners and burden them with their insecurities. “At first, I wasn’t sure if overwhelming other people with our respective selfishness and emotional neediness was for us. But now that we’ve started, it’s actually really liberating to know that while we can mentally drain others on the side, there will always be that deep, strained emotional tension between Peter and I that we will always return to. It’s been really great.” Fry added that if the arrangement worked out well, the couple may consider having a three-way screaming argument.
Superstitious Man Puts Bag Of Trash Outside House Every Thursday #~# PHILADELPHIA—Admitting that his long-held superstition was a little bizarre, local man Colin Dowd told reporters this morning that he always makes sure to place a bag of trash outside his house every single Thursday. “I know it’s kind of odd, but for several years, I’ve had this complex ritual where I have to tightly tie up that week’s bag of garbage, carry it down the driveway, and put it at the exact same spot on the curb,” said the exceedingly superstitious man, adding that his peculiar routine also leads him to obsessively collect plastic, metal, and paper containers during the week, which he is then compelled to place in a separate blue container that he also brings out the same day. “It’s quirky, but gathering up my household refuse into a black trash bag—always a black one—is something I just have to do pretty much every week, except during the holidays. And if I’m out of town, I’ll always get a neighbor to go through with the ritual for me. I just have to. Sure, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it’s just the way I am, you know?” Dowd added that on those rare occasions when he forgets to observe his outlandish custom on Thursday, he frantically scrambles to do so early in the morning on Friday.
Winter Olympics Inspire Nation’s Youth To Try Sports Their Parents Can’t Afford #~# WASHINGTON—Inspired by the breathtaking acrobatics and death-defying high speeds of Winter Olympics events, the nation’s youth were reportedly motivated this week to go out and try sports their parents could never possibly afford. “Cool, I can’t wait to hit the slopes and do that,” said 15-year-old Davenport, IA resident Eric Wallace, echoing the sentiment of young people across the country whose families can’t pay for the highly specialized equipment and clothing, beginner instructions at expensive training facilities, participation fees, extensive travel, lift tickets, or inevitable medical bills. “It’s going to be amazing when I’m flying across the snow and flipping around in the air like Shaun White.” Though concerned about shelling out at least $3,000 before their children ever step foot on snow or ice, the nation’s parents were reportedly excited about the money they would inevitably save when American youths immediately quit the sports after complaining they were too difficult.
Child Protective Services Hopes Caseworker Ready For A Doozy #~# DETROIT—Suggesting she’d better “sit down and buckle up tight,” officials from Michigan’s Child Protective Services bureau urged caseworker Hayley Reynolds on Thursday to brace herself, because she was in for grade-A doozy.
New Parents Wisely Start College Fund That Will Pay For 12 Weeks Of Education #~# TRENTON, NJ—In an effort to plan for their newborn daughter’s future, local parents Jonathan and Kate Bradbury have shrewdly begun investing in a college fund that will pay for an estimated 12 weeks of their child’s education, the couple confirmed Wednesday. “As soon as Ashley was born, we started putting aside a little money each week just to make sure that when the time comes, we’ll almost be able to cover her first semester of freshman year,” Kate Bradbury told reporters of the plan that will help offset nearly three months of room and board, the most basic meal plan, and four total textbooks. “It’s just a small amount out of our paychecks, but it adds up. And it’s worth it to have the ease of mind that comes from knowing that, after inflation, we’ll be able to cover barely 9 percent of our little girl’s tuition as long as she takes the minimum course load and doesn’t do too many activities.” Bradbury added that she knew all of the scrimping and saving would ultimately pay off when she finally sees her college-educated daughter land a three-month unpaid internship.
Nemesis Lands Alumni Magazine Cover #~# ROCKVILLE, MD—Looking through her mail upon returning home from work Monday, Kenyon College graduate Halley Katz was reportedly repulsed and angered to discover that her cursed archrival had landed the cover of her college’s alumni magazine. “There are a number of major players in the crowdsourcing game, but I saw that no one was filling this particular niche, so I just went for it,” said the bitter adversary ’06 in an extensive interview about her new online teen-focused fundraising platform, which the villainess founded to help provide high school students with a means to realize their artistic dreams. “I’ve always loved working with underserved communities, and I could envision the immense benefits such a venture could bring to students, so I just thought, well, why can’t we take the guesswork out of this and make it kid-friendly? And it’s been a dream come true for [a detestable, antagonistic scourge like] me.” Upon further review of the magazine’s class notes sections, Katz was further dejected to learn the one she let slip away had become an executive producer at Nickelodeon.
Tips For Pulling An All-Nighter #~# Getting a good night’s sleep is imperative for good health, but once in a while it’s necessary to stay up all night to get work done. Here are The Onion’s tips for pulling an all-nighter:
Poll: 86% Of NFL Players Okay With Gay Teammate #~# ESPN conducted a poll of current NFL players regarding their thoughts on having a gay teammate and found that out of the 51 respondents, 86 percent don’t care about their teammates’ sexual orientation. What do you think?
Onlookers Gape As Daredevil Crosses Street Without Basic Health Insurance #~# CHICAGO—Shocked by his audacious and downright reckless behavior, dozens of pedestrians reportedly stopped abruptly in their tracks Thursday and watched in open-mouthed astonishment as 27-year-old daredevil Stephen Hughes attempted to cross a city street without the protection of basic health insurance. “My God, look at that maniac—he must be out of his mind,” said gaping onlooker Betsy Thompson, noting that without the guarantee of a fixed out-of-pocket maximum annual payment, Hughes’ wildly brazen stunt risked incurring medical expenses in the tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars that would be billed entirely to him. “He doesn’t even have a provision to cover the costs of generic prescription drugs, let alone rehabilitative services! If something goes wrong, who knows how deep into debt he could fall? To think this could've been avoided if he had just signed up for an affordable plan.” According to reports, after safely crossing the street the completely uninsured madman further stunned the crowd of onlookers by purchasing a double bacon cheeseburger with extra fries.
Barbie Appears On Cover Of ‘Sports Illustrated’ Swimsuit Issue #~# Sports Illustrated celebrated the 50th anniversary of its popular swimsuit issue by featuring Barbie in a one-piece, inciting backlash from critics arguing that the cover promotes the objectification and sexualization of women. What do you think?
G.I. Joe Turns 50 #~# This week marks the 50th anniversary of the release of G.I Joe, the first toy to be marketed under the term “action figure.” Here’s a look back at the history of the iconic Hasbro product:
Supposed Adult Pays Man To Sit In Room And Listen To Him Talk About His Feelings #~# BRIDGEPORT, CT—Reportedly going twice a week to his special safe place where he’s told he doesn’t have to be afraid, local accountant and supposedly grown adult Carl Rowley confirmed Wednesday that he pays a man to sit right next to him in a room and listen to him talk all about his feelings. “It’s really helpful to talk through my issues out loud with someone who has an objective viewpoint,” said the feeble approximation of a mature self-respecting grownup, describing the hour-long sessions in which he nestles himself on a big comfy couch with a soft pillow and tells the nice man how he’s sad and lonely and wants everything to feel good again. “I think I’m making a lot of progress, especially around issues with my family. I definitely think it’s something every [oh-so-fragile little infant masquerading as an actual grown man] should try.” At press time, sources reported that Rowley felt much better after the kindly listening man, a so-called doctor, told him that it was okay to cry.
9/11 Truther Vows Not To Rest Until Everyone Knows He An Asshole #~# MANCHESTER, NH—Claiming that the evidence is in plain sight for those who want to see it, local man and passionate 9/11 Truth movement supporter Victor Sidwell, 32, told reporters Wednesday that he will not rest until everyone knows that he is a complete asshole.
Richie Incognito Disappointed Wells Report Left Out Best Stuff He Did To Jonathan Martin #~# MIAMI—Saying that the recently released Wells report on patterns of harassment within the Miami Dolphins locker room “doesn’t tell the whole story,” offensive lineman Richie Incognito expressed disappointment to reporters Wednesday that the 144-page account left out the best stuff he did to former teammate Jonathan Martin. “I was hoping that this would finally set the record straight on all the great shit I did to that Jmart loser, but it doesn’t even come close,” said Incognito, claiming that the independent report’s detailed descriptions of the racial slurs, homophobic taunts, and personal threats he directed toward Martin failed to do justice to the extent of his “totally hilarious” abuse. “I mean, I read the entire report, and they didn’t even mention the time I pissed in his Gatorade cup and then watched him drink it. And how about what me and [teammate Mike] Pouncey did to him while he was sleeping on that flight? Whoever wrote this garbage just wasn’t paying attention.” Incognito added that in order to “clear this whole thing up,” he was in the process of writing up a 680-page addendum to the Wells report that he hopes to release to the public later this week.
Emergency Crews Attempt To Rescue Olympic Figure Skater Who Fell Through Ice #~# SOCHI, RUSSIA—In a race against time, local emergency crews reportedly rushed to rescue Italian figure skater Carolina Kostner Wednesday after the Olympian plunged through a hazardous thin patch of ice during her short program at the Iceberg Skating Palace. “Unfortunately she skated way out into the middle of the rink where the ice was weak and it collapsed instantly when she landed her triple axel,” said rescue worker Ignativ Barkov, adding that Kostner ignored the sounds of cracking ice while performing an otherwise flawless step sequence and combination spin. “We have to act fast or she’ll succumb to hypothermia. Granted, a world-class athlete like Kostner can withstand the initial shock for a few minutes, but her thin, sparkly leotard will do little to protect her from the deep and frigid water below the ice.” At press time, crews were attempting another dive after initial efforts had only managed to recover a sequined headband and several loose rhinestones.
Anderson Cooper Decides To Keep Recent Gay Conversion Therapy Private #~# NEW YORK—After a period of careful self-examination, CNN’s Anderson Cooper opted not to go public with the ongoing gay conversion therapy he is receiving through a local evangelical Christian church, sources confirmed yesterday. “While it’s true my homosexuality is almost 100 percent cured, it’s still a sensitive topic I’d like to keep out of the public eye for now,” the formerly gay journalist reportedly said of his efforts to alter his sexual orientation through behavior modification and prayer. “I may give a subtle nod to it on air once I complete my rehabilitative program, but we’ll see. You just have to weigh the risks of potentially losing personal and professional connections and having to constantly stand up to those who don’t believe it’s possible to fix your deviant urges by accepting the word of Christ.” Cooper added that while he’s still not quite ready to make a formal announcement, he knows he will have to introduce his coworkers to Marie at some point.
Taco Bell To Begin Taking Smartphone Orders #~# Taco Bell announced its plan to launch a new mobile app allowing customers to order their food on their smartphones, which functions by using the phone’s GPS to determine how close the customer is to the pickup location. What do you think?
U.S. Wins Its First Olympic Gold Medal In Ice Dancing #~# U.S. Olympic skating pair Meryl Davis and Charlie White took home the gold medal in Ice Dancing on Monday with their free-skate performance of “Scheherazade,” the first time the United States has won a gold medal in the event. What do you think?
U.S. Advances To Women’s Hockey, Hey, Get The Fuck Back Here #~# Sexist Asshole
Honestly, I Always Saw Edward Scissorhands As The Villain #~# As a filmmaker, it can be fun to hear differing interpretations of your work. Often, a viewer’s reactions can help you to think about your craft in new and interesting ways. I have to say, though, in the case of Edward Scissorhands I constantly run into people who seem to have missed the point of it completely. They’ll say that they really related to Edward or even—in the most bizarre cases—that they felt sorry for him.
Man Spends Entire Weekend Binge-Watching Neighbor #~# WILMORE, KY—Transfixed to the point of neglecting his personal hygiene and social obligations, local 33-year-old Matt Friesen reportedly spent the entire three-day weekend binge-watching his neighbor. “I didn’t have much going on, so I decided to take advantage of the long weekend and do nothing but watch my neighbor for three straight days,” said the bleary-eyed Friesen, adding that he frequently delayed eating meals and sleeping to indulge in his marathon viewing session of the woman who lives next door to him. “At one point, I must have watched my neighbor for 10 straight hours—I just couldn’t pull myself away from the window. But I really got into it, and it’s easy to enjoy once you get completely immersed in her world. It can be boring at times, but if you stick with it, the payoff is great.” After his weekend binge-viewing, Friesen admitted there remained a number of unresolved questions about his neighbor and stated that he would continue to closely follow her to “see where she goes.”
‘God Fucking Dammit, You’re A Stupid Fucking Moron,’ Whispers Woman Who Realizes She Missed Ice Dancing #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Noting with dismay and deep self-contempt that she had missed last night’s final Olympic figure skating ice dance event, local woman Jillian Kissel reportedly whispered to herself Tuesday morning that she really was a stupid fucking moron. “God fucking dammit, you piece of shit. You missed it—you fucking missed it,” said the 28-year-old loan officer of the ballroom-dancing-inspired and classical-music-accompanied free dance program that happens once every four fucking years and featured a historic, first-ever gold medal win for the U.S., for fuck’s sake. “Shit, shit, shit. The final goddamned free dance. Well, way to go, dumbfuck. Hope you’re happy with yourself. It was probably breathtaking—the costumes, the enchanting choreography. You stupid, stupid whore.” At press time, Kissel was watching a low-resolution YouTube video of Meryl Davis and Charlie White’s jaw-droppingly gorgeous gold-medal-winning program and was overheard muttering, “This is all you fucking deserve.”
High School Principal Can Already Tell Students Are Going To Eat This One Alive #~# LINCOLN, NE—Slowly shaking his head as he watched the wide-eyed young educator arrive early for her first day of work, Southwest Senior High principal Jeff Harker remarked to reporters he could already tell that the school’s 10th-grade class would eat new history teacher Rebecca Bray alive. “The second I saw how excited she was to have her own classroom, I just knew that she was immediately going to be ripped into and gutted by those snarling little monsters,” Harker said of the enthusiastic 25-year-old woman currently making handwritten name tags for the rabid beasts who will “tear her apart and leave her for dead” within a week. “Watching her decorate the classroom walls and write her name on the blackboard just breaks your heart. Those nasty animals are going to sniff out her vulnerabilities during her very first class and then cruelly feast on her until there’s nothing left but a quivering, eviscerated husk. Hate to say it, but there’s no way she doesn’t end up sobbing in my office by the end of the day.” At press time, Harker averted his eyes and briskly walked away as the smiling, doe-eyed teacher waltzed into the lions’ den and announced that her students could simply call her Rebecca.
Study: More Children Growing Up In Single-Parrot Households #~# WASHINGTON—A study released Tuesday by the U.S. Census Bureau revealed that over 10 million American children are now being raised in single-parrot households, up almost 50 percent from a decade ago. “Whereas the traditional two-parrot family used to be the norm, an increasing number of U.S. children are now growing up with only one parrot in the home,” read the study, which found no correlation between the number of parrots and a child’s success later in life. “Contrary to popular perceptions, the study found that children who grow up with only one parrot have similar communication skills, vocabulary sizes, and access to colorful hanging bells compared to their dual-parrot counterparts. What matters is not the number of parrots, but the quality of the parrot-child relationship.” The study further noted that nearly 2 million American children are now being raised in households with two same-sex parrots.
Real-Life Nancy Drew Traces Source Of Her HPV #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Cleverly putting together the clues to crack the case Monday, Samantha Pearson—a real-life Nancy Drew—reportedly used her sleuthing skills to deduce who had infected her with genital human papillomavirus. “I knew it had to be someone I’d met at the big party last month, but who could it be?” said Pearson, 20, who explained that she stumbled on the mystery after discovering several curious-looking warts on her skin. “Then all of a sudden I realized: HPV doesn’t usually spread from mouth to mouth, but by hands and genitalia! So it couldn’t be Fred or Danny, and since Mr. Conway just likes to watch, I quickly worked out that the culprit must be Kyle O’Keefe—of course!” At press time, sources confirmed the perky young gumshoe was off to track down the sinister fellow responsible and key an obscenity into his car door.
Study: Wives More Educated Than Husbands In U.S. #~# New research from the Pew Institute found that for the first time in 50 years, wives in the U.S.   are more educated than their husbands, a trend sociologists attribute in part to women graduating   from college at higher rates than men. What do you think?
Nation’s Shark Experts: ‘You Could’ve Had This Job’ #~# BIMINI, BAHAMAS—Saying that with just a modest degree of effort and planning you could be boarding a boat alongside them right now and heading out to dive at a picturesque coral reef, the nation’s shark experts confirmed Monday that you could have easily had their job. “I live off a beach, go out on the crystal-clear ocean every morning, and get paid to take pictures of sharks, and quite frankly, there was never anything preventing you from doing the same exact thing,” said Bimini Biological Field Station research biologist Martin Pomenski, 35, who went on to add that such a career path wouldn’t have even been difficult for you, as he simply spent a few summers studying in the Bahamas as an undergrad and then picked up a masters at a decent accredited program and now he’s one of the world’s leading experts on Caribbean reef sharks. “If you’d had even a tiny bit of initiative, you could be wearing a wetsuit and interacting with sharks—honest to God 7-foot-long sharks—for a living. That’s what I do every day. And it’s not even like I went to Harvard or anything, but hey, here I am.” Before plunging over the side of his research vessel into the warm Caribbean waters, Pomenski added that touching a real live shark was just as exhilarating as you’d always imagined.
Fourth-Grader Drawing Big Blank On Which Year 9/11 Terror Attacks Occurred #~# GALLATIN, TN—Furrowing his brow and nervously swinging his legs beneath his desk during his end-of-unit American History test, Sycamore Elementary fourth-grader Todd Ackerman reportedly found himself drawing a complete blank Monday on which year the 9/11 terrorist attacks occurred. “I know it begins with a two, and I remember it was near ‘Barack Obama becomes president’ on our study timeline, but was it 2005? 2007?” said Ackerman under his breath, squinting down at his fill-in-the-blank test and firmly pressing his small fist against his forehead as he tried to recall whether the largest terrorist attack in American history happened before or after the Iraq War. “Think, think, think. It’s got to be 2011, right? Yeah, that sounds right.” At press time, Ackerman was on his third attempt to spell the name “Hurricane Katrina.”
Delighted Health Insurance Executives Gather In Outdoor Coliseum To Watch Patient Battle Cancer #~# HARTFORD, CT—Creating an electric and intimidating atmosphere with their cheers and vocal cries for blood, throngs of health insurance executives reportedly crowded into a massive outdoor coliseum on Aetna’s corporate campus Monday to watch one of their policyholders engage in a life-or-death fight against cancer.
Report: Stating Current Year Still Leading Argument For Social Reform #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Brookings Institution, the single most effective argument in favor of social reform continues to be indignantly saying aloud what the current year is. “When it comes to making a case for reordering the social order, we’ve failed to find any rhetorical strategy more effective or compelling than saying ‘It’s 2014!’ and asking why societal change hasn’t occurred,” said policy analyst Brad Katz, adding that the argument was even more powerful when immediately followed with the phrases “I mean, come on!” or “for crying out loud!” “Furthermore, we found that all social progress throughout our history—including abolition, women’s suffrage, and the entire gay rights movement—can be credited to stating the current year, claiming you don’t know what year defenders of the status quo are living in, and reminding them that if they happened to look at a calendar, they would notice that the year you stated is the current year.” However, the report noted that Americans have recently seen a sharp decline in the effectiveness of stating what country this is.
Study: Double Dating Ignites Passion In Relationships #~# According to recent research, going on double dates increases romance between couples because sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with other pairs helps reignite the passion of early dating and brings people closer together. What do you think?
Study: Half Of U.S. Adults Use Phones For Sexting #~# According to a recent study from the security software company McAfee, more than half of U.S. adults have used their cell phones to send or receive sexually suggestive content including videos, photos, emails, and text messages. What do you think?
Devoted Abuser Stops By Girlfriend’s Office To Deliver Surprise Threat #~# FREMONT, CA—Claiming that he just wanted to do something malicious to her, committed abuser Matthew Strachan, 29, surprised his girlfriend at her office Thursday with an unexpected threat, workplace sources confirmed. “I figured I would stop by unannounced during my lunch break with a few promises of physical violence, just to let Mallory know how much I’ve been thinking about hurting her,” said Strachan, adding that his girlfriend was completely surprised by his open display of antagonism at her desk in the middle of her workday. “Her face went completely red as soon as she saw me, so you could tell she totally didn’t see it coming. And before I left I whispered a little something hostile in her ear just to make her feel really unsafe for the rest of the day.” Strachan also confirmed that he was planning some “very special” abuse for his girlfriend when she returned home that evening.
Facebook Adds More Than 50 New Gender Options #~# Facebook announced yesterday that it will no longer limit users’ choices to “male” or “female” when identifying gender, instead offering a new customizable option allowing them to choose from over 50 preset terms and pick their preferred pronoun. What do you think?
Middle-Aged Waiter Sadly Not Involved In Any Creative Endeavor #~# PHILADELPHIA—Though 48 years old and employed full time waiting tables at a New American bistro, local man Phillip Ames sadly does not spend his downtime working on any creative side projects, sources reported Thursday.
Greatest Barrier Breakers In Sports #~# With Missouri defensive end Michael Sam becoming the first openly gay NFL prospect this week, Onion Sports examines athletes who have broken down the biggest barriers in sports.
Manic Researchers Announce They Are Hours Away From Cure For Depression #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Speaking loudly and quickly without any notable pauses, a team of manic researchers at Indiana University announced at a press conference Wednesday that they are mere hours away from a permanent cure for depression.
NFL Camera Operators Prepare For Challenging Year Of Avoiding Offensive Michael Sam Signs #~# NEW YORK—Saying that they’ll have to rely on nearly every trick they’ve learned, NFL camera operators told reporters Friday they are already preparing for a difficult year of avoiding fans who hold up derogatory signs directed at openly gay defensive end Michael Sam. “It’s safe to say that cutting to opposing fans after Sam makes a big play will always be out of the question,” said cameraman Joseph Heizer, adding that when they are obligated to pan the crowd, they’ll need to be ready to quickly jerk away from inflammatory signs and land on something safe like the referees, coaching staff, or turf. “We’re also going to stick with a lot of zoomed-out, low-focus shots of the stands so that the poster boards with homophobic slurs just look like colorful squares. And any time we do zoom in on screaming fans, we’ll just have to shake the camera a little bit so you can’t tell what they’re actually shouting.” The cameramen added that they are also proposing a 15-second delay for all games taking place in the South.
Study: Crocodiles Can Climb Trees #~# A new study published in the journal Herpetology Notes found that tree climbing is a common behavior among crocodiles on multiple continents, with some crocodiles able to climb vertically up a tree as long as there are branches to use as footholds. What do you think?
Nation’s Girlfriends Admit Absolutely Everything Riding On Valentine’s Day #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming that it’s “all come down to this,” the nation’s girlfriends admitted Thursday that, despite anything they may have said or implied in the past, absolutely everything hinges on the outcome of this Valentine’s Day.
Comcast To Acquire Time Warner Cable For $45 Billion #~# The nation’s biggest cable television operator Comcast announced this morning that they have agreed to buy number-two provider Time Warner Cable for $45.2 billion in stock, bringing their total customer base to more than 30 million. What do you think?
Coworkers Currently Gchatting About You #~# YOUR OFFICE—Although they are reportedly attempting to appear busy by typing rapidly and leaning in toward their computer screens, sources confirmed that your coworkers are, in fact, Gchatting about you at this very moment. According to reports, your colleagues have muted the sound on their computers and have positioned their cursors to rapidly switch to a secondary browser tab should you walk by, freeing them to engage in their current exchanges regarding your work performance, demeanor, appearance, and any number of your individual flaws. Based on the increasing number of knowing glances that your coworkers seem to be silently sharing with one another, sources further revealed that the ongoing conversations about you can only be growing more biting and personal. At press time, accounts indicated that, yes, of course the near simultaneous laughter that two nearby colleagues of yours just emitted and then immediately tried to stifle was also related to you.
New Poll Finds Most NFL Players Still Not Ready To Date Gay Teammate #~# NEW YORK—Providing further evidence of the hesitancy in professional sports to accept homosexual athletes as equals, a new poll published Thursday revealed that more than 97 percent of NFL players are still not ready to date a gay teammate. “Throughout the league there’s a lot of archaic attitudes toward homosexuality, and I’m just not sure NFL players are comfortable enough to enter a monogamous relationship with a gay teammate,” said an anonymous player who felt that a steady dating situation with a homosexual teammate wouldn’t be worth the distractions in the locker room. “I think most players would be open to a one-night stand with a gay teammate, but I really can’t see them tolerating a long-term homosexual relationship.” The poll also revealed that 50 percent of active players would prefer not to know the sexual orientation of a teammate they were fucking.
Subway Employee Still Unnerved By High-Pitched Screech Sandwiches Make When Cut In Half #~# YONKERS, NY—Two years into his employment at the fast food eatery, Subway employee Gabe Winthrop reported Thursday that he is still shaken by the earsplitting shrieks made by the sandwiches every time he slices them in two. “I’m pretty much a veteran around here at this point, but I’ll tell you, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to hearing somebody’s lunch emit a piercing screech the second you begin to cut into it,” Winthrop said of the hundreds of agonized, high-pitched whines he hears daily from the sandwich chain’s products. “What’s worse, each one makes a different horrible sound when you’re cutting, from the Black Forest Ham’s bloodcurdling sob to the Spicy Italian’s mournful whimper. Honestly, I can’t get them wrapped up and bagged fast enough.” Asked for particulars of last summer’s “Avocado Season” promotion, Winthrop lit a cigarette and stated that some stories should remain in the past.
Hello, Do You Have A Moment To Tell Me About Jesus Christ? #~# Hello, sorry to bother you, but I was hoping I could borrow just a minute of your time. You see, lately I’ve been thinking about whether there’s something more to life, something I’ve been missing. There are even times when I feel like I’ve lost my way and may never find it again. So while I really don’t want to intrude, I was wondering if you might have a moment to tell me about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Father Marvels At How Quickly Kids Growing Distant #~# MANCHESTER, CT—Saying they were becoming closed-off adults right before his very eyes, local father Peter Halfon, 49, described to reporters Wednesday his continued amazement at how quickly his kids are growing distant.
Teens More Stressed Than Adults #~# A new survey by the American Psychological Association found that teenagers feel more overwhelmed, depressed, and generally stressed out than adults, with 27 percent of teens reporting that they feel “extreme stress” versus 21 percent of adults. What do you think?
FBI Offering $10,000 For Help In Curbing Laser Strikes #~# The FBI has announced a new rewards program offering $10,000 to anyone who can provide information leading to the arrest of individuals who point handheld lasers at aircraft, incidents known as “laser strikes” or “lasing.” What you think?
Biggest Upsets Of The Sochi Olympics #~# In major upsets, both snowboarder Shaun White and downhill skier Bode Miller came up short of the platform in their signature events at the Winter Olympic games. Here are some of the shocking surprises so far in Sochi:
Parking Lot Attendant Seemingly Unaware New Day A Gift From God #~# BOSTON—Apparently blind to the beautiful and sacred gift of life that is handed to him every morning, 58-year-old parking lot attendant Donald Wright is reportedly unaware that each new day is a precious miracle delivered to him by the Lord above, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Does this man not know that to wake up each morning on God’s green earth and go to work is nothing short of a glorious blessing?” local Kim Claremont said of the man who spends eight hours a day in a toll booth waiting for customers to hand over their parking fee. “Why, he’s healthy, he’s got a job, he’s just about the luckiest fella on earth and he can’t even see it! He must not realize that this day is a wondrous joy that should be embraced with a full and happy heart. Why wouldn’t he realize that?”  Sources further confirmed the minimum-wage employee should smile more; that might do the trick.
Nation Admits It Would’ve Been Fun To Watch Marcus Smart Beat Absolute Shit Out Of Fan #~# LUBBOCK, TX—Following his three-game suspension for a controversial courtside altercation with a spectator last weekend, millions of Americans confirmed Wednesday that it would have been kind of fun to watch Oklahoma State guard Marcus Smart beat the absolute shit out of the Texas Tech fan who provoked him. “Obviously any violence at a sporting event is completely and utterly unacceptable regardless of circumstance, but, I don’t know, part of me would have liked to watch Marcus Smart take that fat, loud-mouthed asshole by his Texas Tech polo shirt and pummel the ever-living fuck out of him,” said 36-year-old McLean, VA resident Alan Mitscher, adding that seeing a middle-aged man who maliciously heckles teenaged college basketball players get his ass kicked on national television would have been “pretty damn satisfying, actually.” “To see the look on that smug sack of shit’s face right when he realizes the 19-year-old kid he’s been verbally abusing is about to knock his fucking teeth out and leave him in a bloody heap on the side of the court—man, that would have been amazing.” Citizens from across the nation also told sources that there’s no way in hell the fan in question only called Smart “a piece of crap.”
Drunken Man Careens Wildly Across Internet #~# PLYMOUTH, MA—Racing erratically between unrelated browser tabs, local man Eric Mancano was spotted careening around the internet in a drunken haze at approximately 2 a.m. Tuesday, sources confirmed. “He was out of control, just swerving from one site to the next without any apparent idea of where he was going,” said an anonymous witness, who saw Mancano stagger incoherently from an NHL box score to CNN’s Politics section before suddenly jumping 28 seconds into Nas’ “Hate Me Now” music video on YouTube. “At one point he must’ve been about halfway through a Buzzfeed ‘20 Most Expensive Zip Codes’ list when he blacked out, regained consciousness right in the middle of an IAmA subreddit, and then slammed headfirst into the Washington Post paywall. It was alarming to watch.” Sources then reported seeing a semi-lucid Mancano quickly reverse course and head straight for his ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page.
Nation Intrigued By Bizarre Olympic Sport Of Hockey #~# SOCHI, RUSSIA—Engrossed by the competitive game’s odd rituals and strange rules, Americans across the country reportedly expressed fascination Wednesday upon discovering the bizarre Olympic sport of hockey. “From what I can tell, it’s this weird foreign ice sport with a lot of sticks, but it’s really interesting watching everyone chase after this little black disc,” said Bellevue, NE resident Lucas Castillo, 32, who was captivated by the strange intermissions when a loud siren blared, the competitors left the playing field, and a mascot entertained the crowd by driving a funny vehicle on the ice.“I can kind of follow it, but I never really know what’s going on. Players try to put the disc in the net, but they have to avoid crossing weird lines on the ice or something. It’s one of those things that’s fun to watch during the Olympics, but it’s easy to see why it hasn’t caught on like handball.” Despite their mild interest in the sport, Americans unanimously confirmed that there’s no way hockey could ever gain widespread popularity in the United States.
Lean In, Getty Images Alter Portrayal Of Women In Stock Photos #~# In order to promote positive and realistic images of women, Sheryl Sandberg announced that her nonprofit organization Lean In will team up with Getty Images to remove stock photos that perpetuate female stereotypes and replace them with photos of women as surgeons, soldiers, hunters, and other professions. What do you think?
Inspired Man Bolts Out Of Bed At 3 A.M. To Jot Down Great New Worry #~# PATERSON, NJ—Quickly kicking off his sheets and reaching for a notepad on his nightstand, local 27-year-old Kyle Dowling reportedly sprang out of bed at 3 a.m. yesterday to jot down an idea for a brand-new worry. “Sometimes the best, most crippling new anxieties just come to you in the middle of the night, so it’s good to always have a pen and paper nearby to record them,” said Dowling, rapidly scribbling several shorthand notes about a new feeling of debilitating self-doubt and apprehension that had just spontaneously entered his mind. “If I think of a new paralyzing fear relating to my personal or professional life and don’t immediately write it down, there’s a good chance I’ll just totally forget about it by the time I fall asleep four hours later.” Upon waking up and rereading his notes from the previous night, Dowling confirmed to reporters that the new worry was even greater than he first thought.
Compromising Company’s Values For Advertising Revenue Referred To As ‘Partnering’ #~# LOS ANGELES—Announcing a new business deal between the online media website and a major national advertiser Tuesday, Flux Media CEO Rich Lange reportedly described the wholesale disavowal of his company’s longstanding core values in exchange for ad sales revenue as a “brand partnership.” “Flux is a proud leader in delivering fresh, original content to readers, and we’re pleased to work alongside our new partner Checkers Drive-In restaurants,” said Lange in a company-wide email, describing an upcoming series of integrated on-site advertisements that will fully erode the company’s integrity in the eyes of both its employees and readers as “an exciting, innovative new venture.” “Checkers Drive-In is committed to working closely with our brand as we continue to produce the best, most relevant content on the internet, and I’m sure this is just the start of a long, productive, and mutually beneficial relationship.” At press time, sources reported that the company had taken additional steps toward completely eradicating its founding principles and any remaining shred of self-respect by promising to “evolve [its] business model” over the coming year.
Tips For Disciplining Your Kids #~# Raising children to become well-behaved adults is a challenge every parent faces. Here are The Onion’s tips for disciplining your kids:
Shirley Temple Dies At 85 #~# Shirley Temple Black, one of the most famous child stars in Hollywood history who was featured in dozens of Depression-era films and later built a political career as a delegate to the United Nations and ambassador to Ghana, died yesterday at age 85. What do you think?
College Graduate First Person In Family To Waste $160,000 #~# WILKES-BARRE, PA—Saying that his great grandparents could have never even dreamed of squandering such a fortune, recent college graduate Eric Singer told reporters Monday that he is the first person in his family to throw away $160,000. “This level of debt was just out of reach for my father and grandfather, which makes my wasting so much money all the more meaningful,” said Singer, noting that his mother only flushed $12,000 down the toilet during her time in school. “It’s an honor to be the first in my family to experience blowing hundreds of dollars on textbooks, or meeting with financial aid officers to fill out the paperwork locking me into a lifetime of crippling interest rates. I’m destroying my credit history in a way that just wasn’t possible for them when they were my age.” Singer added that he also hopes to be the first person in his neighborhood to rack up another $200,000 in tuition bills during law school.
Nitro Expected To Win Westminster Dog Fight #~# NEW YORK—Lauding his sturdy build, immaculate pedigree, and unparalleled ability to latch onto opponents’ throats until they bleed to death, sources confirmed today that purebred American pit bull terrier Nitro is widely expected to secure top honors at this year’s Westminster Kennel Club Dog Fight.
NASCAR Fans Realize Richard Petty May Not Be As Open-Minded As He Looks #~# TORONTO—Numerous NASCAR fans told reporters Tuesday that recent misogynistic statements made by Richard Petty concerning stock car driver Danica Patrick have led them to the realization that the retired racing legend may not in fact be quite as open-minded as he initially appears. “When you look at Richard Petty, you naturally assume he’s a progressive, open-minded individual with a healthy, 21st-century perspective on gender relations, but his comments have really thrown me for a loop,” said NASCAR enthusiast Clinton Bradshaw, emphasizing that Petty’s claims that Patrick is incapable of winning a Sprint Cup Series race and only receives media attention because she’s a woman “just don’t gel” with most people’s automatic perception of the 76-year-old North Carolina native. “I mean, just look at him. The sunglasses. The cowboy hat. You hear that Southern drawl, and you think to yourself, ‘This guy has got to be a champion of equality and civil rights.’ And then he goes and says something that forces you to completely reexamine your assumptions. I don’t even know what to think—I mean, this is Richard Lee Petty we’re talking about, for crying out loud!” Bradshaw, who acknowledged that Petty’s views on Patrick’s racing abilities were shocking, took solace in the fact that they couldn’t possibly be shared by anyone else in the NASCAR world.
Report: Seasonal Depression Still Better Than Purchasing Tiny Sunshine Lamp #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new report published Monday by the National Institutes of Health, the mental duress of seasonal affective disorder is still substantially preferable to actually going out and buying a little indoor sunshine lamp. “In controlled studies, the embarrassment of flagging down a Brookstone clerk and uttering the words ‘I’d like a Nature Bright lamp’ far outweighed the emotional toll of wintertime blues, even before factoring in the awkwardness of repeatedly having to explain the glaring rectangle to houseguests,” read the report, which also found that experiencing brief periods of seasonal depression pales in comparison to the onerous task of dragging a desk lamp from room to room six months out of the year. “In fact, a majority of people said they’d gladly take some extra anxiety or sleep problems if it meant never having to convince themselves that $100 for a bunch of multicolored LED lights was a good investment.” The report concluded by reminding all sufferers of seasonal depression that while they might feel sad sometimes, at least they don’t have to pretend Sky Effect™ technology is a real thing.
Conservative Acquaintance Annoyingly Not Racist #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Acknowledging that the man’s right-wing views are more nuanced than one might expect, 36-year-old liberal Diana Hardwick confided to reporters Tuesday that her conservative acquaintance Brady Daniels is, quite frustratingly, not racist. “We got to talking about immigration, and I really wanted him to undermine his argument for stricter border controls by saying something disparaging of Latinos, but apparently his opinions are based entirely on national security issues instead of race—which is super irritating,” Hardwick said of Daniels, who reportedly describes himself as a “strong conservative” on fiscal issues but, annoyingly, exhibits no racial biases. “It would be so much easier if I could just write him off as a bigot, but as far as I can tell he harbors no resentment or disdain toward people of color. For God’s sake, we argued every issue from states’ rights to income disparity but nope, he didn’t say anything even tacitly racist. Not once.” Hardwick later concluded that her acquaintance’s opposition to most of President Obama’s policies meant he was probably “close enough” to count as a racist.
Olympian Has Always Dreamed About One Day Having Fun With Friends #~# SOCHI, RUSSIA—U.S. figure skater Polina Edmunds confirmed Tuesday that, even as a little girl forced to mold herself into a champion in hopes of someday achieving success on her sport’s highest stage, she has always dreamed of one day relaxing and having fun with her friends. “For as long as I can remember, I’ve only wanted one thing: to take off my skates and hang out with friends like a normal 15-year-old,” the Olympian told reporters during an uninterrupted 14-hour practice session. “Truly, ever since I was 20 months old and my parents put me on the ice and told me I wanted to be a figure skater, I’ve always pictured myself someday playing, watching TV, and goofing around with other girls my age, all without having to think about triple lutzes and constantly monitoring my weight. That would be so nice.” At press time, Edmunds’ trainer was ordering her to stop talking to reporters and perform 300 stag jumps.
Humanity Forced To Put Down Aging God #~# THE HEAVENS—Citing an inability to adequately care for the aging all-powerful deity, members of the human race told reporters Monday that they were forced to put down God, the omniscient creator worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years.
'Dumb Starbucks’ Opens In Downtown L.A. #~# A mysterious new coffee shop opened in Los Angeles this weekend calling itself “Dumb Starbucks,” drawing hordes of curious customers who were told the café is a functional coffee shop legally classified as an art gallery in order to avoid violating Starbucks’ copyright. What do you think?
Endangered Rhino Just Wishes His Horn Didn’t Make People Immortal #~# TSUMEB, NAMIBIA—Acknowledging that, all things considered, he was “pretty happy” with his life, a local black rhinoceros told reporters Monday that if he had one wish, it would be that his distinctive horn was not capable of rendering human beings immortal. “Look, I’m not typically one for complaining, but I will admit it’s kind of a shame that my horn, when extracted from my face, ground up, and ingested, immediately cures any human illness,” said the critically endangered animal, lamenting the fact that his species’ defining facial feature remains the most potent and effective treatment for cancer, fever, arthritis, mental illness, and dozens of other diseases that afflict mankind. “I’m not blaming people for coveting my horn, given that it grants them eternal life; I’m just saying that in a perfect world I’d much prefer that my horn was just a thick protein outgrowth with no verifiable medicinal properties whatsoever.” The rhinoceros conceded, however, that his horn looked “pretty cool” when fashioned into a small knife handle.
New Study Finds Only 88% Of Guitar Center Customers Become Famous Musicians #~# WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Contradicting conventional wisdom that shopping at the musical instrument retail chain guarantees one a renowned and highly successful career in music, a new study released Monday revealed that a mere 88 percent of Guitar Center customers go on to become famous musicians. “While these findings may surprise anyone who has ever watched a Guitar Center customer noodle around on a Martin that is well out of their price range or play a slightly off-key rendition of Joe Satriani’s ‘Surfing With The Alien’ through a Marshall practice amp, our data indicate that as many as 12 percent of these individuals will never make it big,” the study read, adding that though music executives regularly prowl the store’s aisles, scrutinizing the deafening clamor of 20 guitars being played simultaneously in hopes of finding the next Eric Clapton or Steve Vai, the reality is that an alarming 1 out of 10 patrons of the music equipment superstore nationwide manage to fall through the cracks. “Granted, most of these individuals still achieve modest success, putting out a couple of solid albums and attracting a strong regional following, but they just never quite reach the level where they’re selling out stadiums night after night on massive world tours.” The study went on to conclude that every one of Guitar Center’s customers would almost certainly become international music celebrities if they started buying the most expensive kind of strings.
Coworker Who Already Breathes, Chews Loudly Thinking About Getting Into Arrhythmically Drumming On Desk #~# LOWELL, MA—Saying he feels the need every now and again to vary his repertoire, Seaport Data Systems junior account manager Brandon Herbert, an individual who already spends much of his workday breathing and chewing loudly, told reporters Monday that he is thinking about getting into arrhythmically drumming his hands on his desk. “I’ve had a lot of success making a high-pitched whistling noise as I slowly breathe through my nose and smacking my lips as I consume a variety of heavily redolent meals with my mouth slightly agape, but I think the time has come to move on to new frontiers,” said the man who shares an intimate workspace with approximately 30 other people, noting that periodically beating a halting rhythm onto his desktop, pausing for a few seconds, and then resuming at a slightly different tempo represents “the logical next step.” “Sure, I could always pursue something more conventional, like slamming my fingers as hard as possible on my keyboard while I type, or noisily clearing my throat of phlegm before audibly swallowing, but I really think spending hours a day slapping out what I think is the rhythm to the song ‘Hot For Teacher’ on a desktop is the way to go.” At press time, Herbert decided that, fuck it, he might as well tunelessly hum while he’s drumming too.
Michael Sam Hoping Sexuality Won’t Be Issue In Locker Room Full Of Testosterone-Fueled Former High School Bullies #~# COLUMBIA, MO—After sending shockwaves through the sports world by publicly coming out as gay, University of Missouri defensive end and highly rated draft prospect Michael Sam expressed optimism Monday that his newly revealed sexuality won’t be an issue in an NFL locker room filled with rage-driven, testosterone-fueled former high school bullies. “I know my decision to come out is unprecedented in professional football, but I’m hopeful that my future teammates, many of whom once used their strength and intimidating physical stature to torment any of their peers whom they deemed weird or different, will respect me,” Sam told reporters, adding that while he doesn’t expect everyone to necessarily embrace his homosexuality, he hopes to at least receive fair treatment from fellow professional athletes who spent their formative years screaming “Faggot!” at effeminate classmates before shoving them into walls and punching them in the backs of their heads. “At the end of the day, we’re football players focused on winning games, so conceivably my sexual orientation won’t be a distraction to a group of oversized men essentially paid to violently express their anger on a daily basis and whose physical aggression toward others pretty much defines who they are as human beings.” Sam was also reportedly confident that his announcement will not adversely affect his draft stock among teams looking to capitalize on his sexual orientation in order to boost their own public image.
Winter Olympics Schedule #~# The 22nd Winter Olympics is in full swing in the resort town of Sochi, Russia, where top athletes from around the world will compete over the next two weeks to win medals for ice hockey, figure skating, and more. Here are some of the game’s most highly anticipated events:
Live Cow Lowered Onto Floor Of U.S. House Of Representatives #~# WASHINGTON—Cautiously maneuvering the animal above Congressional chambers as a chorus of snarls and growls erupted from below, U.S. Capitol handlers carried out routine legislative feeding procedures this morning by lowering a live cow onto the floor of the House of Representatives. “All right, chow time!” shouted a feeding supervisor, who lowered the 800-pound heifer into the baying horde of lawmakers and then waited around 30 seconds for the sounds of panic and gnashing teeth to die down before lifting the animal’s skeletonized remains back up from the floor. “Let’s bring ’er up, fellas. Whoo-weee! Looks like they were hungry today, yes sir!” At press time, sources reported the blood-soaked legislators had resumed their scheduled hearing on H.R. 3193.
Celebrating The 50th Anniversary Of The Beatles On Ed Sullivan #~# This week marks the 50th anniversary of the Beatles’ first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show, a milestone in American pop culture that fans across the nation are celebrating with reenactment concerts, television specials, tribute performances, and more. What do you think?
Lolo Jones Becomes First American To Be Objectified In Both Winter And Summer Events #~# SOCHI, RUSSIA—Once again attracting widespread attention in the media for her looks, U.S. Olympic bobsled team member and track star Lolo Jones has become the first American to be objectified in both the Winter and Summer Olympics. “To be selected as the target of either praise or condemnation for reasons based solely on my physical appearance in two different games is truly an honor,” said Jones, adding that the achievement would not have been possible without the national media’s longstanding practice of placing a disproportionate emphasis on the beauty of female athletes as well as the forces of marketing and advertising that encourage that mentality. “At first it was hard learning how to submit myself to stereotypical representations of women in two completely different sports, until I started seeing the similarities between the two. At the end of the day I’m still being asked to pose in skintight suits for photoshoots and visit talk shows under the false pretense of discussing my athletic accomplishments.” Though the 31-year-old athlete confirmed she is still experiencing pre-race jitters, Jones believes that she has what it takes to compete for another endorsement exploiting her sex appeal.
100,000 Condoms Distributed To Olympic Athletes #~# In an effort to prevent athletes from contracting STDs during the Winter Olympics, the International Olympic Committee has distributed 100,000 condoms to the 7,650 competitors bunking in the Olympic Village, or about 13 condoms per person. What do you think?
Subway Removing Shoe Rubber Chemical From Sandwich Bread #~# Subway has said that it will begin removing the chemical azodicarbonamide from its sandwich bread after a prominent food blogger pointed out that the same additive is used in yoga mats and shoe rubber. What do you think?
Lapsed Cult Member Only Attends Sanctum On Major Bloodletting Holidays #~# WHITEBRIDGE, NE—Admitting that he has become “more of a casual follower” in recent years, local Infinite Light cult member Stephen Walsh, 31, told reporters Friday that he now only attends sanctum on the faith’s major bloodletting holidays.
Renovations Force Yosemite National Park To Temporarily Relocate To Sacramento Office Space #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Officials at Yosemite National Park confirmed Friday that in an effort to accommodate necessary renovations and expedite routine maintenance, the entirety of the park’s breathtaking wilderness has been temporarily relocated to a Sacramento office space.
Report: It Too Soon To Glance Back At Attractive Person #~# PORTLAND—Citing the fact that you just made eye contact with her and doing so again right away might come across as creepy, a new report released today has confirmed that it’s still too soon to glance back at the attractive person behind you. “Play it cool and wait a second; she’s not going anywhere,” read the report, adding that, “Okay, fine, you can take a quick peek, but don’t linger any longer than you have to.” “Wait, never mind, you shouldn’t have done that. Shit, yeah, definitely not. She looks uncomfortable. Wow, you blew it. You really, really blew it.” The report also confirmed that it doesn’t really matter since you’re too much of a chickenshit to talk to her anyway.
It’s Tough Sometimes Being Considered The Most Important Songwriter Of The 20th Century #~# Over the course of my 40-year career, I’ve come to recognize the true impact my music has had on people. Strangers come up to me all the time to say what an honor it is to meet me, how the first album they ever bought was Sweet Baby James, or that “Sarah Maria” is their favorite song. They’ll ask about the process of songwriting, what inspires me, and whether I start with the words or melody first. More often than not, they’ll just come up to say how hearing “Fire And Rain” for the first time changed their life. As flattering as their admiration can be, it’s sometimes a bit overwhelming, and it reminds me of the tremendous responsibility I have as one of the most celebrated figures in modern history.
International Olympians To Watch #~# With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting international athletes.
American Olympians To Watch #~# With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting U.S. athletes.
Russian Officials Promise Low Death Toll For Olympics #~# SOCHI, RUSSIA—Leading up Friday’s opening ceremonies, officials for the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi promised low death tolls for the games, assuring that fatalities would be at an acceptable level. “With an international event on this grand of a scale, casualties are inevitable,” said President of Russia Vladimir Putin, boasting that the winter games have had far fewer deaths than organizers anticipated since athletes began arriving in Sochi. “We are preparing for a completely reasonable amount of mishaps with the torch, mysterious disappearances, and collapsed stadiums.” While Putin did not want to entertain the notion of fatalities exceeding the tolerable threshold, he did offer assurance that the surrounding region had plenty of space available for mass graves.
‘American Idol’ Star Clay Aiken Running For Congress #~# More than a decade after competing on American Idol, 35-year-old singer Clay Aiken announced that he is seeking the Democratic nomination for North Carolina’s 2nd Congressional District seat. What do you think?  
Man Swells With Shame After Entering Zip Code Into Girl Scout Cookie Locator #~# CHAMPAIGN, IL—Shortly after conducting a Google search for “girl scout cookies buy,” sources say local man Nicholas Tadros became engulfed in a powerful wave of self-loathing after making the conscious decision to enter his zip code into girlscoutcookies.org’s Girl Scout Cookie locator. “Christ,” said the thoroughly self-debased man as he clicked on a link called “Meet the Cookies” and read paragraph-long descriptions of Samoas, Trefoils, Savannah Smiles, and Do-Si-Dos, his entire being burning with white-hot humiliation and self-disgust. “What the fuck is wrong with me?” At press time, a visibly distressed Tadros was silently cursing himself as he filled out a Girl Scouts of Greater Chicago and Northwest Indiana’s contact form so that a girl scout could personally help the abashed loser place an order.
Protagonist Rapidly Getting Dressed Must Be Late, Reports Cunning Viewer Recognizing Film’s Subtext #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Pointing out multiple visual and diegetic cues that seem to suggest the character is running behind schedule, cunning 25-year-old movie watcher Alex Midthun told reporters Thursday that he can tell the protagonist of the film he is currently watching must be late for something. “It’s all implied beneath the surface, of course, but the references to the lead character’s lateness are there—for instance, the fact that he overslept is, I believe, strongly suggested by the shot of him waking up, seeing the time on his alarm clock, and bolting out of bed,” noted the stunningly observant man, who also referred reporters to the shot of the protagonist hopping around on one pant leg and scrambling to get dressed as a subtle yet apparent indication that the character almost certainly has an appointment of some kind for which he is currently running late. “This moment here, where he’s shoving his arms through his coat while holding a cup of coffee in one hand, informs the viewer, if only on an unconscious level, that perhaps this man is worried about not arriving on time to a location where his presence is in some way expected or required. That’s what I get from it, anyway, although I admit I have a tendency to overanalyze this stuff.” The abundantly clever man went on to caution that to draw any conclusions from the shot of a broken framed photo on the lead character’s mantel showing the protagonist and an unidentified woman in a wedding dress would, at this point, be pure conjecture.
New Blog Piece On Woody Allen To Settle Everything #~# NEW YORK—Amidst the ongoing debate over the iconic director’s alleged sexual abuse in 1992 of his then 7-year-old adopted daughter, numerous sources nationwide confirmed Thursday that a newly published blog post titled “What You Really Need To Know About The Woody Allen Scandal” will finally and categorically settle the matter in its entirety. “It’s important to note that Allen was never arrested or charged for a crime, but considering Dylan Farrow’s incredibly candid open letter in The New York Times and what we know of such cases, I couldn’t help but ask myself: Who can we believe here?” read an excerpt from the truly essential 1,200-word online article, which, given its unique and illuminating insights into the topic and its wealth of arguments previously unconsidered by all other blog pieces on the subject, definitively answers all open questions about the 20-year-old case and effectively ends any dispute over Woody Allen’s culpability, how Americans should feel about his work, and his eventual standing in the annals of American cinema. “I am fully aware of the failures of the U.S. justice system when it comes to sexual assault victims, but I am also aware of how delicate a situation this is and how slippery a slope the presumption of innocence or guilt can be on either side. And with that in mind, let me share with you the conclusions you should take away from the whole Woody Allen saga.” At press time, upon reading the blog piece, every single citizen in the United States reportedly felt a reassuring sense of closure on all facets of the scandal and quickly took to the blog’s comments section to express their full agreement with the article’s thesis and congratulate the author on finally bringing the truth to light.
DMX To Fight George Zimmerman In Boxing Match #~# Although an official contract has yet to be signed, representatives for rapper DMX and former Florida neighborhood watchman George Zimmerman have confirmed that the two are negotiating with a celebrity boxing promoter to fight each other in a three-round pay-per-view match. What do you think?
Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay-At-Home Dads #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, a steadily increasing number of weak, emasculated men—if you can still even call them men—are choosing to forego a career and stay at home to raise their children. “Our research shows that thousands of American men—all of whom are pitifully frail and impotent—are leaving the workforce to debase themselves by preparing lunches and tending to their children, ultimately rejecting their role as the family breadwinner in favor of what is effectively gender reassignment,” said head researcher Paul Lopez, noting that the growing ranks of meek, delicate little husbands and fathers often spent their entire days embarrassing themselves and their sex by cleaning, shopping for groceries, and in some extreme cases, folding laundry. “While their anatomy would suggest that, yes, in purely biological terms these are males, their wholesale renunciation of their masculinity has relegated them to the status of subservient, ineffectual nothings who might as well be castrated since that is what they clearly desire anyway.” The report also described a correlated trend of repellent, overly aggressive, testosterone-crazed mothers flooding the corporate world.
What, No Coat? #~# Well, well, look who’s all dressed up and ready to head on out of here. Yep, you sure look like you’re just about set to get going—got your boots, got your gloves, got your nice scarf. But wait, aren’t you forgetting something? Can’t you think of anything you might want to put on before you get out there and brave the elements? Nothing?
Couple Never Dreamed They Would Be Able To Talk So Openly, Honestly About Cabinets #~# SAN DIEGO—Calling communication the cornerstone of their marriage, local couple Sam and Christina Garber confessed to reporters Thursday that they never dreamed they would one day be able to talk so openly and honestly about cabinets with each other.
Kevin Durant Has Off Night With Quiet 94-For-128, 210-Point Performance #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Despite his team’s victory over the Minnesota Timberwolves, Oklahoma City Thunder coach Scott Brooks admitted to reporters Wednesday night that forward Kevin Durant gave a largely subdued performance, converting just 94 of 128 shots and finishing the game with only 210 points. “Kevin had one of those nights where it just wasn’t happening for him offensively, but we can’t expect him to keep putting up 250 shots every game like he’s been doing,” said Brooks, stressing that Durant’s underwhelming 49 rebounds, 57 assists, and 72 points from outside the arc are not indicative of any major issues with the three-time NBA scoring champion. “Credit has to go to the Timberwolves’ defense—they contained Durant and restricted him to just 134 points inside the paint. But at the end of the day, it’s only one game, and he’ll bounce back from it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he returns to his usual standard with at least 300 points next game.” Brooks went on to say that the rest of his players “really stepped up” amidst Durant’s struggles, collectively scoring 29 points.
Study Finds There Are Only 4 Human Emotions #~# Contrary to previous findings indicating that there are six “classic” human emotions, research published in the journal Current Biology found that when asked to analyze computer-generated facial animations, subjects only distinguished between four “basic” emotions. What do you think?
Neighborhood Has Gotten A Lot Safer Since Mayor Vanquished Fire Troll #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying they finally felt comfortable walking around their neighborhood again, citizens of Louisville’s Parkwood district hailed Mayor Greg Fischer this week for permanently vanquishing the malevolent fire troll that had waylaid pedestrians and stolen several infants before it was slain in a decisive clash last October. “It used to be too dangerous to go out on the streets, but ever since Mayor Fischer held the amulet aloft and cast Stortbrann back to the under-realm, I feel like it’s safe to walk home from the bus stop, even at night,” local resident Cameron Watkins said of Fischer’s proactive approach, which included incanting the behemoth’s name in ancient Gutnish and wielding the hallowed Ice Hammer, the only weapon in northern Kentucky capable of piercing the beast’s onyx breastplate. “[Former mayor Jerry] Abramson never did a damn thing about the troll attacks. But by the end of his first term, Fischer personally tracked the infernal colossus to its cave and ended its reign once and for all. Now I can let my kids play outside again.” Watkins added that the neighborhood would just about be perfect if not for the swirling Wraiths of Höðr screeching in deathly terror at 6 a.m. every day.
CVS To Become First Major Drugstore To Stop Selling Tobacco #~# Though standing to lose $2 billion in annual sales, the CVS Caremark company announced today that it would stop selling cigarettes and other tobacco products by Oct. 1 because they believe it’s inconsistent with their goal of delivering health care to customers. What do you think?’
Athletes Arrive In Sochi For 2-Week Living Nightmare #~# SOCHI, RUSSIA—Traveling from 88 nations around the world, hundreds of athletes reportedly arrived in Sochi this week in order to participate in a two-week-long waking nightmare. “Just got to the Olympic Village!” said U.S. skier Lauren Price, who like her fellow Olympians will spend the next half month in mortal terror while under constant, intrusive surveillance by police forces desperately trying to preserve safety and calm. “So excited for [a harrowing, hellish experience that may well include full-scale security lockdowns, dismal living conditions, contaminated water, direct threats to my life, insufficient city infrastructure, and human rights abuses occurring in plain sight].” Sources confirmed the very best outcome any athlete could hope for was that the pet project of a corrupt, bigoted regime would be carried out exactly according to plan.
Employees Given List Of Doctors Shitty Enough To Accept Company’s Health Insurance Plan #~# MILWAUKEE—In an effort to itemize the health benefits available through its current PPO plan, local business CargoFly Logistics provided its staff members Wednesday with a list of doctors who are shitty enough to accept the company’s health insurance. “All full-time employees are eligible for coverage at the following health care providers,” wrote benefits director Caroline Murray in an office-wide email, which gave the names, addresses, and phone numbers of roughly a dozen terribly rated and inconveniently located general practitioners who are desperate enough to take the company’s atrocious insurer, including at least three who do not typically cater to English-speaking patients. “Any employee who wishes to seek treatment from a doctor not included on this list will be required to pay for those services out of pocket.” Murray added that CargoFly workers should not hesitate to contact her at any time if they need the name of an in-network specialist who is currently under investigation by the state’s medical review board.
Man Moving To New City Never Took Time To Truly Loathe Surroundings #~# CHICAGO—Days before he was set to relocate to Denver for work, four-year Chicago resident Paul Marsden lamented Wednesday that he never really took the time to detest the city he called home for nearly half a decade. “It’s too bad, but I never got to truly despise Chicago’s eight-month-long winters, or how the CTA takes forever and doesn’t go anywhere you need it to,” Marsden told reporters, regretting that he hadn’t devoted any time to hating how nearly every bar in the city has several giant flatscreen TVs blaring Bulls, Bears, Cubs, White Sox, or Blackhawks games. “Sure, I could go on and on about the noxious cloud of piss and stale vomit that hangs over Wrigleyville, or the faux edginess of Wicker Park, but there are so many other horrible neighborhoods I never got the chance to hate. I guess I always thought there’d be time to appreciate how awful they are.” Marsden then resolved that when he gets to Denver, he’ll start hating his new home as soon as he can.
Report: Girlfriend’s Parents Could Hear Everything #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Despite local 22-year-old Sam Tillard’s best efforts to keep things quiet when he was invited home by girlfriend Jenny Nesbitt late last night, a report out this morning has confirmed her parents not only woke up but could hear the two in her bedroom the entire time.
Distant Planet Terrified It Might Be Able To Someday Support Human Life #~# CONSTELLATION VELA—Claiming that the mere thought is an “absolute nightmare,” WR 67c, a terrestrial planet from the distant Gamma Velorum star system, expressed its profound terror Wednesday at the possibility of one day gaining the capacity to sustain human life.
Congress Is Playing Professional Tournament-Level Ping-Pong With This Nation’s Future #~# It seems like our country is always on the verge of some major catastrophe or another nowadays. From our ballooning national debt, to a failing education system, to costly foreign wars—it’s hard to even keep track of all the issues that Washington needs to address. But rather than trying to set aside their differences and actually solve our problems, Congress is playing professional, Olympic-level ping-pong with the future of this country, and it needs to stop.
Local Company Introduces New Take Your Daughter’s Friend To Work Day #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Announcing a new program designed to encourage the presence of women in the workplace, Central Ohio Heating & Cooling has encouraged employees to participate in next Friday’s first annual Bring Your Daughter’s Friend To Work Day. “This event is an excellent opportunity for you to bring in your daughter’s friend—the one she plays soccer with—and let her see how a real company works while giving her the chance to meet and spend time with other employees,” a company-wide memo urged all staffers. “Space is limited, so please make your plans now to ensure a spot for the friend. The blonde one, not the tall brown-haired one.” The memo added that if the friend happens to have soccer practice after the workday ends, she can just show up already in her uniform.
Sochi The Most Expensive Winter Olympics Ever #~# Analysts estimate the cost of the Sochi Winter Olympics to be $50 billion and counting, with soaring costs attributed in part to high-priced security, the erection of 11 new venues, and Putin awarding outsized construction contracts to his business buddies. What do you think?
Microsoft Employees Fondly Remember Days When CEOs Were So Big They Took Up Entire Rooms #~# REDMOND, WA—Following Tuesday’s announcement that company vice president Satya Nadella had been named Microsoft’s new chief executive officer, many of the software giant’s older employees reportedly reminisced about an earlier era in the tech industry’s history when CEOs were so large they took up entire rooms. “When you look at our brand-new thin, mobile CEO, it’s hard to even imagine that these guys were once so gigantic that a warehouse-sized space was needed to hold one of them,” Microsoft senior developer Glenn Maloney told reporters, noting that despite Nadella’s impressive memory capabilities and ability to engage in complex operations, there was something “kind of charming” about relying on a bulky old CEO that weighed several tons and required an extended staff of engineers to maintain. “Sure, those giant executives were a little cumbersome and a whole lot slower, but I always liked being able to walk into a climate-controlled vault and see a humming CEO crunching numbers.” Maloney noted, however, that despite their difference in size and ability, tech CEOs of today were still essentially the same calculating, unfeeling machines underneath their exteriors.
New Snack Chip Evades Digestive System, Burrows Straight Into Heart #~# NEW YORK—At a high-profile media event Tuesday, Frito-Lay unveiled its new Diggz tortilla chip, touted as the first-ever snack that entirely bypasses the stomach and intestines by burrowing directly into the consumer’s heart. “Every one of our savory Diggz corn chips is slow-baked to the perfect golden crispiness so it can bore out of your esophageal passage, through the lungs, and directly into the aorta to deliver the flavor you crave right to the center of your circulatory system,” Frito-Lay spokesperson Vanessa Coviello told reporters, explaining how the chip’s corkscrew shape and serrated ridges allow it to cut through thick layers of muscle and sinew and lodge itself deep in one’s cardiac tissue. “And with mouthwatering varieties like Nacho Cheese, Ranch, Barbecue, Sriracha, and Sweet Mesquite, you won’t be able to stop snacking until every chip in the bag is tunneling through your thoracic cavity. So bring a little zest to your chest with new Frito-Lay Diggz.” Coviello added that certain select test markets would also be able to try the company’s new Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Blasters, a spicy puffed cornmeal snack that detonates with tremendous combustible force when placed in the consumer’s mouth.
Castaway Ate Turtles, Birds While Stranded 13 Months At Sea #~# A man calling himself Jose Salvador Alvarenga washed ashore in the Marshall Islands this week after allegedly being lost over a year at sea, explaining that he survived by eating birds and turtles and drinking his own urine, though authorities are still trying to verify his claims. What do you think?
Newly Tenured Professor Now Inspired To Work Harder Than Ever #~# EVANSTON, IL—Shortly after learning he had been granted tenure Tuesday, Northwestern University mathematics professor Hugh Botkin told reporters that the promotion has motivated him to work harder than ever before in his chosen field. “I was able to get this far in my career by publishing as many papers as possible and carefully negotiating departmental politics, but now the real work begins,” said Botkin, 43, whose tenured faculty position ensures his employment until he voluntarily exits the job or dies. “I’m going to start teaching a lot more classes, advise as many Ph.D. candidates as possible, and voluntarily extend my office hours so I can provide students with as much one-on-one time as they need. Tenure is a huge honor, but it also comes with a lot of responsibility. From now on, anyone who enrolls in one of my classes can be certain my top priority will be how I can best serve them as a professor.” Sources later confirmed Botkin was up half the night poring over teacher evaluations from his students and thinking about ways he could improve his lecturing style.
Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Have Never Met Willem Dafoe #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new ABC News/Washington Post poll released this week, a sizeable majority of U.S. citizens have never met acclaimed film actor and two-time Oscar nominee Willem Dafoe. “The survey data suggests that as many as 99 percent of Americans have not had the experience of meeting Dafoe, either casually or by being formally introduced,” statistician Colin Braithwaite said, adding that when asked, a similar percentage reported never having engaged in a conversation, dined with, or even nodded in passing at the Platoon and Spider-Man star. “Although some people such as Wes Anderson and Tom Berenger have met Dafoe, they amount to a tiny fragment of the larger population. For most people, Willem Dafoe just isn’t someone they have met.” Among those who acknowledged never meeting Dafoe, 87 percent responded positively when asked if they were open to one day meeting the 58-year-old dramatic actor.
10 Years Of Facebook #~# Facebook, which is now valued at $130 billion and boasts 1.2 billion monthly users, was launched 10 years ago Tuesday by Mark Zuckerberg in a Harvard dorm room. Here is a look back at milestone moments in the rise of the world’s leading social network:
Northeast Sees Rise Of Mutant ‘Zombie’ Bees #~# Beekeepers in the Northeast have reported seeing an uptick in mutant “zombie” bees that behave erratically due to being attacked by small, parasitic flies that latch onto them and lay eggs in their bodies, which then hatch and cause the bees to become disoriented and eventually die. What do you think?
Super Bowl Packs Up, Leaves Town In 40-Wagon Train #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Packing away the turf, goalposts, and scoreboards into colorful wooden wagons, Super Bowl roustabouts dismantled MetLife Stadium Monday and left town in a convoy of 40 horse-drawn vehicles.
Frantic Biden Searching Dog Shelter For Bo Look-Alike #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that he would “be up Shit Creek without a goddamn paddle” if he wasn’t able to locate one, a frantic, out-of-breath Vice President Joe Biden reportedly arrived at a D.C. area canine rescue shelter early Monday morning in search of a look-alike for the Obama family’s pet dog Bo. “Hey, I need a poodle, pronto—black one if you got it,” the frenzied, disheveled VP told Washington Humane Society workers, emphasizing that he needed to “score a dead ringer” for the First Family’s beloved Portuguese Water Dog “before they wise up.” “Theirs is a boy, I think, but whatever, can’t be picky here. That little nippy one is close enough. Doesn’t have to be the genuine article. Uncle Joe’s just got to set things right.” Sources confirmed Biden also asked the shelter’s employees if they offered any “cheap quickie pet cremations.”
57 Women Stoned To Death During Annual Riyadh Fashion Week #~# RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—With local organizers and attendees hailing the event as a “major success,” the Saudi Arabian capital Riyadh wrapped up its 10th annual fashion week Friday, a star-studded international showcase of the latest trends during which 57 women were pelted to death by stones.
Multilingual Coca-Cola Ad Spurs Backlash #~# A 60-second advertisement for Coca-Cola that ran during the Super Bowl, which featured people singing the song “America the Beautiful” in multiple languages, has spurred backlash on Twitter from users who called the spot un-American for not being entirely in English. What do you you think?
Majority Of Office’s Supplies Used To Apply For Different Job #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Sources at local digital marketing agency Fusion Media confirmed Monday that the company’s stationery, broadband connection, printers, fax machines, and various other office equipment and supplies are primarily used by employees to apply for different jobs. “Do you know if we have any more printer paper in the supply closet—maybe some of that nicer, heavier-stock paper we use for presentations?” account executive Ingrid Zander was overheard asking office manager Heidi Campbell, who was herself reportedly using the company’s digital postage meter to send off a résumé and cover letter to a competing business. “And could you check to see if we have any legal envelopes, too? I’m going to need seven of those.” Sources also reported that the four Fusion Media employees who had taken a sick day Monday were all currently seated at a PR firm several blocks away interviewing for the same position.
Content Could Be Hotter, More Social #~# WASHINGTON—According to a recent poll of various web-based media producers, content could be hotter, more social, more shareable. “While there is certainly buzzworthy content out there, some of which is even snackable, I do think content in general could be more relevant, more bite-size, and make a stronger brand impression with trending keywords and a more responsive design,” poll respondent Mark Zeligman told reporters, noting that the last piece of content he came across was an infographic that was neither flexible, timely, viral, nor engineered to maximize reader engagement. “After all, can we honestly say the content that’s out there right now is as buzzworthy and highly shareable as it could be? Does it inform, engage, and convert? Is it digestible? Does it both increase impressions and amplify the brand? I think you’ll find the answer is no.” At press time, poll respondents reported that when it comes to content, you gotta start thinking more bullet points, more lists, more visuals, more short-form, more microcontent.
Procrastinating Attorney Just Reuses Opening Statement from Last Trial #~# ALBANY, NY—After staying up until 2 a.m. without once glancing at the notes for his   upcoming trial, procrastinating defense attorney Stephen Crawford reportedly just decided   to reuse, word-for-word, the opening statement from his previous trial, sources confirmed   Friday. “Ladies and gentlemen, the fresh-faced teenage boy you see before you never   intended to drive his car into the median on July 3,” Crawford told the court before gesturing   to his client, a 45-year-old bearded man who was recently arrested for aggravated assault and   cocaine possession. “My client is an upstanding citizen destined for college, a man raised   by a hardworking family of immigrants, and, above all, a fellow American who deserves an   acquittal.” At press time, Crawford’s client was unemployed, Caucasian, and named Peter   Redmond.
Girl Scouts Introduce Gluten-Free Cookies #~# In an effort to better accommodate those with gluten intolerance, a number of Girl Scout troops around the country will sell a gluten-free version of their chocolate chip shortbread cookie. What do you think?
Panicking Marshawn Lynch Unable To Deactivate Beast Mode #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Caroming wildly around the locker room following the Super Bowl on Sunday, a panicked Marshawn Lynch reportedly informed teammates that he couldn’t figure out how to deactivate Beast Mode. “Help me, help me!” said the Seattle Seahawks running back as he stiff-armed head coach Pete Carroll and hurtled recklessly out of a stadium exit and into the parking lot. “Please, anyone, call the police! I don’t know what’s happening! This is beyond my control!” At press time, witnesses confirmed Lynch was sprinting at full speed eastward on I-95, with authorities confident that he would lose steam once he hit the Atlantic Ocean.
Huskies Unstoppable During Cold-Weather Puppy Bowl #~# NEW YORK—Overcoming frigid temperatures and biting winds, a team of husky puppies overpowered and trounced the opposition Sunday during Puppy Bowl X, the first ever cold-weather Puppy Bowl.
Seahawks vs. Broncos #~# The Seahawks battle the Broncos in a game that players will be treating like the Super Bowl. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win.
Troy Aikman Fruitlessly Attempts To Conjure Super Bowl Memory For On-Air Anecdote #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Disoriented by the effects of years of violent head trauma, Fox analyst and Dallas Cowboys Hall of Famer Troy Aikman fruitlessly attempted to come up with a Super Bowl memory for an on-air anecdote during Sunday’s broadcast, sources confirmed. “When I was playing in the’94 Super Bowl, I remember Jimmy Jerry was there right when, uh, this thing happened,” said Aikman, pausing momentarily to compose his thoughts and shield his eyes from the bright stadium lights. “There was a field and it was about June, a really hot day. All around the field, guys were everywhere and I was looking at it. It was a big game. Big game…the Super Game.” According to witnesses, Aikman then suddenly perked up and welcomed viewers to the 2014 NFC Championship Game.
Twitter Replaces ‘Retweet’ With ‘Share’ #~# According to reports from users, the microblogging site Twitter quietly experimented this weekend with swapping the popular retweet function for a “share” button, a move that may be part of ongoing tests to make the site more engaging for users. What do you think?
Local Father Briefs Family On Which Basketball Players Now Household Names #~# EDINA, MN—Gathering his wife and children Monday to bring them up to date, local man George Litton, 57, reportedly apprised his family of which basketball players are currently household names. “Here’s the rundown: Kobe Bryant, as you know, is a household name, as are Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and, as of more recently, Kevin Durant,” said Litton, who went on to list several more players before emphasizing that Cavaliers point guard Kyrie Irving had not yet accomplished enough to be considered a household name. “I know you may think Steph Curry is a household name, but he’s not. Not yet. He’s carved out a place for himself as the Warriors’ best player and as a premier NBA point guard, but he’s not a household name. Now, is Paul George a household name? Fair question. Earlier this season, I might have said yes, but given the Pacers’ struggles over the last month, it’s less certain. Until further notice, Paul George is not a household name.” Litton added that should anyone have questions regarding the list of household names, he is always willing to answer them anytime, day or night.
Recovering Alcoholic Doesn’t Need Friends To Have A Good Time #~# KENTWOOD, MI—Two years after making the decision to quit drinking once and for all, local man and recovering alcoholic Julian Bradford, 35, told reporters Monday he now realizes that he doesn’t need friends to have a good time.
Family Wealthy Enough To Have The Kind Of Refrigerator Doors That Blend Into Cabinets #~# MCLEAN, VA—Acknowledging they had trouble locating the appliance at first, guests of local couple Steven and Diane Bazelon reported Monday that the two are apparently wealthy enough to have the type of refrigerator that blends into the kitchen’s cabinets. “I knew Steve and Diane had some money, but when I noticed that the cupboard I was looking at was actually a fridge, I realized they were even richer than I thought,” friend and recent houseguest Sam Dockery said, noting that the refrigerator contained two neatly arranged rows of Fiji water bottles and that the kitchen had its own pretty big flat-screen TV. “Not only that, but their bathroom has a shower with one showerhead on top and two on the side, and a sink that’s just one of those big bowls resting on top of a pedestal. They’re loaded.” Dockery added that he should have known the Bazelons were that well-off when he pulled into their circular driveway.
Flight Attendant Quietly Informs First Class Passengers Where Real Emergency Exits Are #~# MIAMI—While passengers in the economy cabin watched the standard preflight safety video Monday, United Airlines flight attendant Kim Walters quietly informed first-class ticket holders aboard Flight 1173 of the location of the plane’s actual emergency exits, sources confirmed. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll please give me your attention for a brief and important announcement about the first-class-only safety features of our Boeing 757 aircraft,” Walters reportedly said in a voice just above a whisper, explaining that in an emergency, the airline’s most valued customers should ignore the escape path lighting along the aisle and instead follow the green lighting on the first-class seatbacks to a secret hatch just behind the forward lavatory. “For your convenience, in the event of an emergency, a bulkhead will automatically close and seal off the first-class cabin from the economy cabin, giving you ample legroom while deplaning. In addition, should we experience a sudden loss of cabin pressure, ignore the oxygen masks that drop from above and instead use the real ones located underneath your seat, right next to your emergency parachute.” According to reports, Walters then showed each passenger how to use their personal flotation raft, which she said comes with two weeks of gourmet rations, over 120 movies and TV shows, and is “[theirs] to keep” in the event of a water landing.
Tips For Improving Memory #~# Many people find themselves struggling to recall an acquaintance’s name or remember where they left an important item, like their keys or cell phone. Here are a few simple brain-boosting tips that will help you avoid these mental missteps and improve your memory:
Eating Small Meals Throughout Day Doesn’t Help Weight Loss #~# Contradicting the theory that eating small meals throughout the day is effective for weight loss, a new study has found that eating frequent small portions of food doesn’t actually help people lose weight any more than those who eat three meals per day. What do you think?
Social Media Startup Looking For Smug Little Fuck To Take Leadership Role #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Having generated considerable buzz among Silicon Valley insiders since its founding last year, new social media company LiveFire is said to be actively seeking a smug, egotistical little shithead to assume a leadership position within the business and help guide the company as it expands, investor Jason Bilodeau confirmed Monday. “LiveFire has the capability to revolutionize the way people and businesses connect, and all we need to move to that next level and become a household name is to hire a fresh-faced, entitled little puke who you just wish were dead as our CEO,” said Bilodeau, stating that the ideal piece-of-shit candidate would be infuriatingly young yet still view the world with a fucking insufferable air of superiority. “Ideally, we’re looking for a real prickish fuckwad who just recently graduated college, or maybe one of those obnoxious little jagoffs who never completed his degree at all. Once we find a narcissistic dickhole like that, then the sky’s the limit for LiveFire.” At press time, Bilodeau had narrowed down his list to 15 nauseatingly intolerable little ass-munchers who all deserved a hard punch to the back of the head.
Batman Turns 75 #~# Sunday marks the 75th anniversary of Batman’s first appearance in DC Comics. Here is a timeline of important events in the evolution of the Caped Crusader from comic book hero to billion-dollar franchise:
Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR #~# CHILLICOTHE, MO—Reeling in the wake of sudden, unthinkable tragedy, members of the Talbott family were reportedly left struggling to pick up the pieces Thursday night after an unexpected hard drive crash erased everything they had stored on their digital video recorder. “I just can’t process this—it’s all gone, vanished in an instant,” said an ashen-faced Jessica Talbott, 42, staring sullenly ahead as she mentioned that the family’s painstakingly saved collection of HD shows had included episodes of Sleepy Hollow and NCIS that she had dreamed of watching with her kids someday. “You hear about this happening to other families who don’t know how to work their settings, but you never think it could happen to you. How do you recover from a loss like this? How do you rebuild after losing two whole seasons of Person Of Interest? It won’t be easy, but I guess all we can do is put our heads down and try to find a way to move on.” After taking a moment to silently contemplate her grief, Talbott added that she was deeply grateful to friends and neighbors who had offered to lend their DVD collections to help the family through the trying weeks and months ahead.
Apple To Diversify Emojis #~# Responding to criticism that their emojis aren’t diverse enough, Apple has announced that they are working with programmers to add more multicultural and racially diverse faces to its 845-icon catalogue of emojis. What do you think?
Mark From Sales Currently Leading Bracket Pool #~# You Know, Mark
4 Senators Mauled During Congressional Tiger Show #~# WASHINGTON—Four United States senators are reportedly recovering in Washington-area hospitals today following a shocking and grisly incident Thursday night, when a 480-pound male tiger brutally mauled the elected officials in front of a full audience at the nightly Congressional Exotic Live Tiger Show held in the senate chamber. “At the time of the incident, [Sen.] Dianne [Feinstein (D-CA)] and I were performing a routine flaming ring jump—a trick we’ve done hundreds of times during the show’s nine-year run—when Marduk, one of our white Bengal tigers, swatted her to the ground and then proceeded to clench her in his teeth and toss her around on the podium for several seconds,” said chief congressional tiger-master and two-term Georgia senator Saxby Chambliss, appearing deeply shaken as he explained how the tiger then leapt into the crowd and attacked Sens. Bernie Sanders (I-VT), Carl Levin (D-MI), and Pat Roberts (R-KS), dragging the latter by the neck out to the Capitol rotunda. “I still have no idea what went wrong. Marduk had been completely docile and compliant from the beginning of the show when I commanded him and [Siberian tiger] Georgina to stand up on their hind legs at the start of the Pledge of Allegiance, to when Mitch [McConnell] led him through his choreographed leaps across all 100 senate desks. It’s just a terrible tragedy.” In the wake of the incident, all upcoming live tiger shows have been canceled indefinitely, though congressional sources confirmed The Magic Of McCain Illusion Extravaganza would continue its twice-nightly performances as scheduled.
Study: Women Fake Orgasms To Increase Sexual Arousal #~# A new study has found that in addition to faking orgasms for the purpose of protecting a partner’s ego and ending sex, many women fake orgasms in order to increase sexual arousal so they can work themselves up to an actual orgasm. What do you think?
Of Course Busy Bartender Doesn’t Mind Taking Picture Of You And Your Friends #~# CHICAGO—Speaking over the din of an entire roomful of people clamoring to buy drinks, local bartender Philip Melrose reported that he was more than happy to drop everything Saturday night and take a photo of you and your friends. “Sure, it’s no problem at all to stop filling these pints of beer, take your iPhone from you, and then wait several moments until you and your friends crowd close enough together to all fit in the photo—I’d be happy to do it,” said Melrose, adding that he could never turn down the exciting opportunity to snap a blurred picture of customers after already serving hordes of increasingly aggressive patrons over a seven-hour shift, particularly if the photograph was not just for one’s personal collection but a submission to a contest, like New Belgium’s #SnapShotWheat promotion. “And before you even ask, I certainly wouldn’t mind taking another picture with your friend’s phone after this one as well.” Noting that he was “completely cool” with jeopardizing his potential tips from other customers by catering solely to you, Melrose admitted that he was actually fulfilling a lifelong dream to retake your photo 10 more times until you get the perfect silly one.
Charles Barkley Openly Gambling On College Games During CBS Halftime Report #~# NEW YORK—Following the first half of Thursday’s Sweet 16 matchup between the University of Dayton and Stanford University, sources confirmed that college basketball commentator Charles Barkley was observed blatantly gambling on the outcome of NCAA Tournament games throughout the CBS halftime report. “Hey, Red, lemme get 20 large on UCLA with the points, and a dime on San Diego straight up, okay?” the retired NBA star said in a cell phone conversation as cameras rolled in CBS’ broadcast studio, moments after having told a previous caller, “You don’t need to do that; I’m good for it, I swear.” “Man, these kids better get their act together, or I’m going to take a big hit. Good thing Baylor’s a lock against Wisconsin, otherwise I’d be in huge trouble. Hey, who you got in the Louisville game, Ernie?” According to viewers, Barkley then added that he was excited to collect on his numerous wagers, as the winnings represented “some prime blow job money.”
‘Gone With The Wind’ Prequel In The Works #~# Publishing house Simon & Schuster announced they will release a prequel to Margaret Mitchell’s epic historical novel Gone with the Wind called Ruth’s Journey, which will tell the story of Scarlett O’Hara’s servant Mammy. What do you think?
Hollywood Maintenance Crews Sent Out To Patch Up Film Industry’s Plotholes #~# LOS ANGELES—Numerous Hollywood maintenance crews were reportedly dispatched early Thursday morning to fix a rash of plotholes that have developed across the film industry, with laborers called to fill in unresolved third acts and smooth over illogical character arcs at worksites on the Warner Bros., Universal Studios, and Paramount Pictures lots. “Every spring we get reports of big plotholes from nearly every studio, and we have to send out workers to repair these deep, troublesome inconsistencies in films before they cause too many problems,” said Hollywood’s Department of Cinematic Works commissioner Brad Barnett, who added that the plotholes tended to be worst just after the end of a long, arduous awards season. “Plotholes can form due to poor studio conditions, the presence of implausible events, or a prolonged lack of attention by screenwriters. And if they aren’t patched up by adding some solid dialogue or an additional explanatory scene, then the plotholes will continue to grow and we’ll need to send in a specialized crew to tear up the script and do a complete overhaul on the underlying storyline. Not only are plotholes annoying for moviegoers, but if you run into enough of them, they can totally destroy your suspension of disbelief.” Emphasizing that regular maintenance was critical, Barnett said that he expected viewing conditions to improve significantly before the summer blockbuster season, when the number of plotholes is expected to quadruple.
American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger #~# BOSTON—In a startling discovery that sheds new light on the link between the earliest American colonists and their modern descendants, researchers at Boston University announced Thursday they have traced the U.S. obesity epidemic back to a single heavyset Mayflower passenger.
Little Pussy Has To Take Phone Call In Other Room #~# PEORIA, IL—Daintily rising from his desk chair as he meekly whispered a pitiful apology into his iPhone, local accounting assistant and pathetic little pussy Andrew Kirby, 32, reportedly needed to take an incoming call in another room Thursday, office sources confirmed. “Hold on, let me go somewhere quiet,” said the cowering excuse for a man while scampering like a little bitch into an unoccupied conference room where he could hold his oh-so-precious conversation without fear of coworkers overhearing. “Sorry about that. You there? Okay, good.” At press time, the company’s sales team had entered the conference room for a meeting, forcing the gabby, ball-less weakling to emit a girly little sigh and puss out altogether by saying he would call the other person back later.
Onion Sports’ Sweet 16 Picks #~# OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this year’s NCAA Tournament Sweet 16:
These Are The Honda Days That Were Foretold In The Prophecy #~# O, how mankind has awaited this hallowed moment, predicted by the oracles so long ago. Many a skeptic has doubted that such an occasion would ever transpire, dismissing the auguries as mere lore. But alas, the portents cannot lie, and at long last the Honda Days foretold in the prophecy of our ancestors have finally arrived, ushering in a joyous new era of tremendous values, the likes of which the world has never seen!
Levi’s Factory Implicated In Cruel Treatment Of Denim Cows #~# VERNON, CA—A Levi’s factory in southern California is facing a firestorm of criticism this week after an industrial worker’s cell phone video leaked on the internet revealing the plant’s brutal treatment of its denim cows. “We at Levi’s are committed to providing all our denim livestock with the compassion and dignity they deserve, be it our slim fit, stonewashed, low rise, or boot cut cattle,” operations manager Scott Harleston said in a press statement after protesters flooded Levi’s social media accounts with screenshots showing the cramped, neatly stacked piles in which its 505 Regular Fit steers are forced to live. “The conditions depicted in that video were incongruous with Levi’s longstanding core principles, and the employees responsible have been disciplined accordingly. We apologize, and we’re currently working hard to ensure that every one of our denim animals, from our largest comfort fit bulls to our smallest capri calves, live in clean and safe conditions and that their fabric is harvested as humanely as possible.” The video’s release marks the industry’s biggest animal cruelty controversy since a graphic 2009 documentary exposed the Dockers factory’s practice of pleating its Classic Khaki cows while they were still alive.
Unclear If Grandma Just Friends With 81-Year-Old Widowed Man #~# ORLANDO, FL—During their visit Thursday to the Avalon Retirement Community, the grandchildren of Rose Markowitz told reporters they were no closer to determining if their grandmother was merely friends with an 81-year-old widower who lives in her building or if there was something else going on between them. “He stops by her room every day at three, and then they watch TV together for a couple hours in the common area—I have no idea what that means,” said granddaughter Betsy Markowitz, adding that her grandmother had touched the man’s arm twice when first introducing him. “Also, last week when we arrived they were sitting on a bench in the courtyard together, but they weren’t holding hands or anything. And for some reason she’s started giving us little updates about what he’s been up to recently and what his kids and grandkids are doing. I honestly couldn’t begin to guess what kind of relationship they have.” At press time, the man had called Markowitz “Rosie” again.
New ‘Star Trek’ Beer Released #~# A Canadian beer company has announced that it will produce a beer called Warnog, a Star Trek–themed beer that will serve as a follow-up to the popular Vulcan Ale they released last year. What do you think?
Advertising Manager Working Hard To Teach Son Value Of An Impression #~# CORTLAND, NY—Determined to cultivate the same deep, abiding passion for web traffic analysis that led him to his position as advertising manager at FirstStar Media Group, local father Brian Emmerich told reporters this week that he strives every day to teach the value of an ad impression to his 3-year-old son, Wyatt. “Appreciating the true meaning of an online impression—that special moment when an ad is seen by a web user—that’s something you learn at a very young age and keep for your entire life. It’s an essential part of who you are,” said Emmerich, adding that such core principles would allow his child later in life to monitor click-through rates, analyze heat maps, and generate cost-effective advertising. “Sure, as he grows older, web trends may change. But for my son to know in his heart that impressions form the very foundation of brand awareness—nothing can ever take that away from him.” Emmerich added that seeing his son fully grasp the worth of an impression would make him just as proud, if not prouder than when he heard his boy say his first search-engine-optimized keyword.
Mark Cuban Warns NFL’s Popularity May Begin To Wane In Next Millennium #~# DALLAS—Citing such factors as overexpansion, player safety, and behavioral issues, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban told reporters Wednesday that the NFL is in severe danger of waning in popularity over the next 1,000 years. “The NFL is at its peak in terms of popularity right now, but they’re getting a little too greedy, and they’ll start losing fans in the next three or four centuries,” said Cuban, adding that if officials and team owners aren’t careful the NFL could fall to the second or third most popular sports league as early as 3014. “We’ve seen it with baseball; we’ve seen it with hockey; we’ve seen it with Roman chariot racing in 700 B.C. The NFL is going down the same path with all these new TV deals. It might not happen overnight, but people will turn on the sport before the millennium is out, I can guarantee you that.” Cuban added that in contrast to the NFL’s increasing saturation of the market, the NBA can return to the pinnacle of American sports by only playing 82 games in a six-month regular season.
Facebook Spends $2 Billion On Virtual Reality Company #~# CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced yesterday that Facebook has agreed to pay $2 billion for Oculus VR, a small startup company that makes virtual reality headsets, which could possibly allow Facebook users to see their friends in a 3D environment. What do you think?
Notable Celebrity Breakups #~# Here are some notable Hollywood breakups in recent years:
G7 Unable To Get Deposit Back On Shipment Of ‘G8 Summer Getaway’ T-Shirts #~# THE HAGUE—Shortly after suspending Russia’s membership in the exclusive coalition of industrialized nations, the United States and the six other wealthy nations that compose the newly renamed Group of Seven reportedly found themselves unable to get their deposit back on a set of “2014 G8 Summer Getaway” T-shirts they had ordered for the body’s scheduled summit in June. “We placed an order for a box of medium- and large-sized crewneck tees back in February, but when we called to cancel this morning, the guy at the printing shop said the deposit is final and they don’t do any refunds,” said UK Prime Minister David Cameron, who explained that the forum of major global economies lost $80 on the order, which included matching yellow shirts featuring a stylized G8 logo and a pair of palm trees as well as a dozen custom-stitched “Scorchin’ In Sochi” hats. “Of course, Putin never gave us his $10 share, so we’re all going to have to cover that too. We’ll make sure everyone pays upfront when we order our new shirts, though we haven’t decided yet whether we want them to say ‘Brussels Bash ’14’ or ‘G7: Summer of Heaven.’ Plus, [Italian Prime Minister] Matteo [Renzi] is still really lobbying for us to pay extra and get tie-dyed ones.” Cameron added that the world leaders were also left scrambling to revise their schedule of events for the upcoming meeting as the group’s downsizing had left German Chancellor Angela Merkel without a partner to participate in their annual three-legged race.
NHL Players Admit They Have No Idea How Line Changes Work #~# NEW YORK—Claiming that there is ostensibly no rhyme or reason to the sport's frequent in-game substitutions, players from across the NHL admitted Wednesday that they have absolutely no idea how line changes work. “Honestly, most of the time I just try to jump onto the ice whenever I can, and then I’ll come back to the bench when I get tired,” said Chicago Blackhawks center Jonathan Toews, adding that the changes are especially confusing following icing calls, when “some guys are allowed to change but other guys aren’t.” “I know certain players are supposed to go out at specific times and in ‘shifts’ or whatever, but I couldn’t even begin to tell you who, when, or why. Like when we’re on a power play, there are certain guys who are supposed to play, but then if the other team is on a power play, a whole different set of guys go out. And most of the time we have to sub in and out while the game is still going on. It’s just chaos.” A majority of players also confirmed they would much prefer having some kind of buzzer sewn into their uniforms to alert them when it’s their turn to take the ice.
All Of Man’s Time-Wasting Websites Exhausted Before Lunch #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—Saying that he was now “paying the price” for his failure to properly pace himself, Talos Analytics junior marketing associate Cameron Gaither, 28, admitted to reporters Wednesday that he had completely exhausted all of his usual time-wasting websites well before lunchtime. “Christ, I’ve already checked all of today’s Gawker posts and everything new on Boing Boing and it’s not even noon yet,” said Gaither, noting that he had additionally “plowed through” the latest updates on Fail Blog, Texts From Last Night, and Bleacher Report, where he typically fritters away his time throughout the course of a full workday. “Man, I’m really running out of ideas here. I’ve even taken another pass at the XKCD archives and burned through just about every subreddit I can think of. What the hell am I supposed to do for the next six hours?” Gaither confirmed that his current dilemma was the worst he’d faced since last week when he got roped into attending a morning sales meeting and consequently had to spend the rest of the day fervently catching up on all of the online time-squandering he’d missed.
How The College Admissions Process Works #~# This week hundreds of colleges across the country will be notifying applicants whether they’ve been accepted, waitlisted, or rejected. Here’s how college admissions departments determine their incoming freshman class:
White House Sends Obama To 3-Day Management Seminar At Washington Marriott #~# WASHINGTON—Armed with newly acquired strategies on team leadership, effective communication, and workplace sensitivity, President Barack Obama returned to the Oval Office this morning after spending the past three days at a management seminar, White House sources confirmed.
Study: Video Games Make Kids More Aggressive #~# Contradicting previous research indicating that video games don’t negatively affect children’s behavior, a new study has found that playing games makes kids react to real-world situations in hostile and aggressive ways. What do you think?
Girl Sells Record 18,000 Boxes Of Girl Scout Cookies #~# Oklahoma middle school student Katie Francis broke the national Girl Scout cookie sales record by selling more than 18,000 boxes in seven weeks, attributing her success to asking everyone she sees to buy a box. What do you think?
Report: 95% Of Grandfathers Got Job By Walking Right Up And Just Asking #~# WASHINGTON—According to a Gallup report published Tuesday, over 95 percent of the nation’s grandfathers began their careers by walking straight into a place of business, saying “I’m the man for the job,” and receiving a position right there on the spot. “I just went right up to the owner, looked him dead in the eye, and told him I was the person he was looking for,” said 78-year-old William Chambers, whose story was nearly identical to accounts given by thousands of other grandfathers interviewed for the report, each of whom emphasized that they placed both their hands firmly on the businessman’s desk, explained that they were “go-getters,” and concluded by saying that, if hired, they would be the hardest worker the company had ever seen. “Right away, the fellow told me he liked my gumption, and then we sealed it all with a handshake. I had that job until the day I retired.” Chambers added that, like two-thirds of the grandfathers surveyed, he also gave the pretty girl behind the counter a wink and—wouldn’t you know—50 years later they’re still together.
Tips For Using Online Dating Sites #~# According to a national survey, 1 in 3 American couples married in the last decade met on the internet. Here are The Onion’s tips for finding love online:
Nation Rallies Behind Embattled Celebrity Gown #~# LOS ANGELES—In response to a rash of harsh criticism leveled against a gown worn by actress Charlize Theron at a recent Hollywood charity event, millions of Americans across the country have risen up this week to show their support for the publicly ridiculed garment, sources nationwide confirmed.
Mom Keeps Sending Newspaper Clippings About Former Classmates Who Have Been Murdered #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Annoyed by all the regular updates from home concerning his former classmates, 26-year-old graphic designer John Galleon told reporters Tuesday that he wished his mother would stop sending him newspaper clippings anytime someone he went to school with was murdered. “She can’t help herself. Every single time one of my old classmates turns up in a dumpster or something, I get an article about it in the mail, even if it’s about someone I hadn’t been friends with since middle school or some kid who was a year below me,” said an exasperated Galleon, who showed reporters a clipping he recently received concerning the homicide and dismemberment of a schoolmate whom he said he had “maybe one class with” during sophomore year. “I also got three or four articles about the murder and memorial for this girl Megan Finneron who I barely even knew. Mom only sent it to me because she’s friends with Megan’s parents and always thought the two of us should be friends. It’s so frustrating.” While Galleon said he usually throws away the newspaper articles without looking at them, he admitted that he did appreciate reading the update about the decapitated remains of his ninth-grade sweetheart, Allison Carotti.
College Senior Already Has Grueling 14-Month Employment Search Lined Up After Graduation #~# ATHENS, OH—Planning ahead to ensure he is adequately prepared for life after college, Ohio University senior Kyle Huber confirmed to reporters Monday that he already has an excruciating 14-month employment search lined up and waiting for him when he graduates this spring.
New Technology Creates Mug Shots From DNA #~# Scientists have announced the creation of a new technology capable of producing 3D models of people’s faces by examining their DNA, a tool experts say could help police create mug shots of criminals from DNA evidence taken from a crime scene. What do you think?
Middle-Aged Cat Can’t Begin To Compete With Adorable Kittens On Internet #~# SARASOTA, FL—Lamenting that “some adorable, fluffy little bundle of fur and whiskers” seems to be in nearly every forwarded email and Facebook post nowadays, local middle-aged cat Rusty admitted to reporters today that he can’t even begin to compete with the cute kittens from the internet. “Sure, people enjoy petting me when they first see me, and I can purr all night long, but put me next to a 15-second clip of a rambunctious little tabby pouncing on a toy and there’s no way I can stack up,” said the 7-year-old Maltese cat, who added that he didn’t even want to think about how to contend with various tiny kitten memes, shareable images of kittens in a box, or startled-kitten animated .gifs. “Maybe if I were four or five years younger, my owner would take a video of me walking across the piano keyboard or arching my back and batting at my own reflection and I might make it big, but I’m too old for that now. The fact is, there are literally thousands of kittens online right now who are being more adorable than I could ever imagine, and that’s something I just have to live with.” After speaking with reporters, Rusty reportedly found himself contemplating whether he could win everyone’s attention by videotaping himself running on his owner’s treadmill, before gently reminding himself that “no, [his] time has passed.”
City Planner Gets Halfway Through Designing City Before Realizing He’s Just Doing Philadelphia Again #~# DES MOINES, IA—Saying that his designs felt oddly familiar as he was drafting them, urban planner William Reston confirmed Monday that while envisioning a revitalized downtown for Des Moines, IA, he had absentmindedly laid out the preexisting city of Philadelphia. “I was just thinking about putting the city’s main art museum and premier university on opposite banks of the river when all of a sudden it hit me: This is Philly!” Reston said after his project-stalling blunder, during which he gave Des Moines a sports complex with three major venues, 24 square blocks of colonial-era architecture, and a centrally located City Hall topped by a statue of a prominent regional historic figure. “Honestly, I really should have spotted it when I changed Western Gateway Park’s name to JFK Plaza and added Robert Indiana’s LOVE sculpture, but for whatever reason it just made sense at the time.” Reston then made an effort to hide his error by mixing some obscure Seattle neighborhoods into his layout.
Hawaii Police Defend Prostitution Loophole #~# Following a move by Hawaiian legislators to tighten anti-prostitution laws, police are defending a legal exemption that allows undercover officers to have sex with prostitutes. What do you think?
87% Of Man’s Memories Shame-Based #~# DULUTH, MN—Stating that the man is rarely able to reflect on events from earlier in his life without visibly wincing, sources confirmed Monday that 87 percent of local medical claims processor Tyler Collins’ memories are rooted in the emotions of shame, humiliation, and guilt. According to accounts, nearly nine-tenths of all recollections Collins brings to mind, including moments from his first relationship, proposals he made at a recent work meeting, and comments uttered in sophomore-year English class, instantly flood the 37-year-old’s mind with the same feelings of regret and self-disgust that were present when he first experienced those situations days or years ago. Sources added that the 87-percent figure applies to Collins’ entire store of memories, and that the number is actually above 90 percent for the subset of memories he developed between seventh and 11th grade, roughly 93 percent for those pertaining to job interviews, and nearly 100 percent in cases of his attempted social interactions with women he has found physically attractive. At press time, reports confirmed that Collins had paused what he was doing, closed his eyes, and began rubbing his left temple while berating himself softly under his breath.
College Admissions Office Finds Ideal Applicant Capable Of Subsidizing Tuition Of 3 Low-Income Students #~# MIDDLETOWN, CT—After carefully scrutinizing the application of high school senior Erica Allson, admissions officers at Wesleyan University confirmed Monday that the 18-year-old was the ideal candidate to subsidize the tuition and fees of three lower-income students. “Erica is truly a perfect fit for us: Not only does she show sufficient academic potential, but her parents are two highly successful professionals capable of paying the school’s annual $47,000 in tuition plus $13,000 in room and board in their entirety,” assistant admissions director Stacey Wright said, adding that she was left in awe after reading Allson’s near flawless income disclosure form. “With the money she’ll bring to campus, we can easily admit several less-well-off students, which will help us project our desired image as a highly progressive and inclusive institution, plus we’ll still have some extra left over to add HDTVs to the dining hall and install a rock-climbing wall in the freshman dorms. It’s all about striking the right balance with our student body.” At press time, administrators confirmed that they had also just admitted a social activist whose contributions to the community would offset the reputations of three football recruits.
Single Mother Hogging 2 Jobs #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Between her regular employment cleaning homes and side work waitressing at Perkins on mornings and weekends, 35-year-old single mother Janice Paulings is greedily hogging two jobs all to herself, outraged sources reported Monday. “I can’t believe the nerve of some people, waking up before 5 a.m. each day to take the earlybird shift at a restaurant, then racing across town to drop her children off at school before selfishly putting in a full day at another job,” Amos Waltham resentfully said of Paulings, adding that the shamelessly self-absorbed woman was also eager to pick up extra shifts wherever she could. “What about the rest of us? How are we supposed to find a steady source of income while she’s collecting two separate paychecks and racking up as many as 80 hours a week? Some jerks only think of themselves and their three kids.” Most irritating of all, Waltham noted, is that in addition to Paulings taking two jobs, her selfish children were also living it up by enjoying free government-subsidized breakfasts at school every day.
Study: Humans Display Highest Cognitive Abilities When Trying To Retrieve Object Dropped Between Car Seats #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—A study released Monday by neurologists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has concluded that human beings display their highest range of cognitive capabilities when attempting to retrieve an object accidentally dropped into the narrow space between car seats.
Browns Eyeing 6 Quarterbacks To Rifle Through In 2014 #~# CLEVELAND—In an effort to dispel uncertainty surrounding the quarterback position, Cleveland Browns head coach Mike Pettine confirmed Monday that the team is currently monitoring six players to rifle through in rapid succession next season. “The competition for that starting spot is wide open right now, so we plan on blowing through at least a half dozen options at quarterback during the course of the regular season,” said Pettine, adding that following training camp and preseason, the team will select a new play caller to be the face of the franchise, only to bench him in week five after a string of subpar performances. “As head coach, I just have to go with the guy who gives us the best chance to win. Then I’ll replace him with someone else when he doesn’t come through, and we’ll repeat that process over and over again until we finally land on some washed-up veteran who will finish out our final few meaningless games.” Pettine also told reporters that quarterback Brian Hoyer is making good progress in his recovery from a torn ACL last season, making him a prime candidate to be traded for a pick in the 2015 draft.
Report: Attempting To Prove Masculinity Results In Over 8 Million Pulled Muscles Per Year #~# BOSTON—According to a report published this week in the New England Journal of Medicine, approximately 8 million muscle injuries result every year from attempted displays of masculinity. “Our research has found that individuals’ efforts to portray themselves as macho are responsible for, on average, over 20,000 strained muscles each day, from the trapezius muscles of those who insist they can carry a mattress up the stairs on their own rather than seek out additional assistance, to the abdominal external obliques of male friends who decide to engage in contests to see who can jump up and touch a high object,” said the study’s lead researcher Bruce Lennox, adding that 250,000 of these injuries are solely attributable to men straining their lumbar regions after trying to pick up another friend at a party. “Most individuals may be confident that, say, wrestling an acquaintance to the ground in their basement or outside a sporting event can be an effective means of earning the admiration of one’s peers. But what we’ve discovered is that the vast majority of American men simply do not possess the necessary knowledge or physical prowess to accomplish these demonstrations of manhood without doing damage to themselves.” While underscoring the hazardous nature of these acts, researchers stressed that when properly pulled off, these sorts of acts would look absolutely incredible and quickly earn the respect of one’s acquaintances and the admiration of all nearby women.
Male Babysitters Earn More Than Female Babysitters #~# A new report by the economics blog Priceonomics found that even though less than 3 percent of all babysitters are men, they earn a higher average wage than their female counterparts, with male babysitters earning an average of $15 an hour as opposed to $14.50 per hour for women. What do you think?
Cheddar Cheese Prices Skyrocket Due To Chinese Demand #~# The Dairy Export Council reported this week that the cost of cheddar cheese climbed 18 percent this year to its highest price ever because domestic manufacturers have been unable to meet the demand for cheese by Chinese purchasers. What do you think?
Bank Of America Introduces New Existential Rewards Credit Card Program #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Affirming the company’s commitment to giving back to their loyal customers, Bank of America unveiled its new Existential Rewards credit card program at a press event Friday, which will reportedly allow cardholders to accrue a deep sense of fulfillment and purpose on all purchases. “We’re excited to bring our customers an easy, incentivized program wherein the more they spend with their Existential Rewards credit card, the more meaning they gain in their lives,” said Bank of America spokeswoman Miranda Behr, who added that with no foreign transaction fees and an introductory zero-percent APR, racking up an abiding sense of purpose was as easy as earning three self-realization points for every dollar spent, plus double fulfillment at grocery stores and restaurants. “With 3 percent quarterly cash back and a variety of redeemable feelings ranging from inner contentment to a perception of oneness with the world, customers are sure to make their Existential Rewards card their credit card of choice. And of course, you can start trading in your points for a feeling of peace or soaring freedom as soon as you want, but for those willing to wait, 60,000 points is all you need to attain everlasting enlightenment.” Behr added that Bank of America’s popular Chained line of credit cards would still be available for bank members who prefer to be emotionally and psychologically tethered to their material wealth.
Surge Answered With Rally #~# RALEIGH, NC—With a succession of quick baskets during the NCAA Tournament Friday, sources confirmed that a surge was quickly answered by a rally. “They’ve certainly responded with this late push,” said CBS commentator Jim Nantz, adding that players had suddenly found a spark after their opponent’s unanswered run just minutes earlier. “This flurry of offense is exactly what they needed. We’ll just have to see if they can stem the tide here down the stretch.” At press time, the other team had subsequently caught fire and stormed ahead.
GChat Status Disastrously Left On Visible During Peak Andrea Hours #~# AUSTIN, TX—Calling it a “catastrophic oversight,” local woman Denise Clark, 27, accidentally left her GChat status as “available” during peak Andrea hours Thursday night, resulting in a barrage of wholly unwanted messages appearing in the bottom-right corner of her Gmail interface. “Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Clark said as she read the first of nine incoming chats bearing such phrases as “hey!” “whats up?” and “I have to tell you the funniest thing,” each announced by a penetrating chime. “God, I knew I should have left it on ‘invisible,’ or at least set it to ‘busy’—now Andrea knows I’m here. Look, you can see she’s still typing away. Goddammit.” At press time, a shaken Clark had resolved to move to another browser tab and not touch a single thing in Gmail until the little dot next to her name turned orange, leaving her to safely wait in “idle” mode until Andrea off-hours had resumed.
What The Internet Will Look Like In 25 Years #~# This month marks the 25th anniversary of British inventor Tim Berners-Lee’s proposal for a system of hypertext, which provided the language for establishing the internet. Here’s what we can expect the internet to look like 25 years from now:
Sleep Loss Can Cause Brain Damage #~# A study published this week in the journal Neuroscience found that inconsistent sleep patterns, including not sleeping enough and sleeping erratic hours, can result in an irreversible loss of brain neurons. What do you think?
Half Of Americans Believe In Medical Conspiracy Theories #~# According to a new survey, nearly half of Americans believe in at least one medical conspiracy theory, among them that the FDA is hiding disease cures under pressure from drug companies and that health officials are concealing the fact that cell phones cause cancer. What do you think?
Thanks For Being So Cool About Everything #~# As you know, the last few weeks have been kind of crazy around here. Last month, protests in Ukraine ousted the country’s Kremlin-allied president and ignited a wave of Ukrainian nationalism that threatened to destabilize Russia’s economic and military interests in the region. Of course, I couldn’t simply stand by and let that happen, so I intervened and ordered a forceful takeover of the strategically important peninsula of Crimea—a territory with historical ties to Russia that our nation had long desired. It’s certainly no easy task to forcefully annex an entire province against another country’s will, so I just wanted to thank you—the government of the United States, the nations of western Europe, and really the entire world population as a whole—for being super cool about all of this.
Fred Phelps, Man Who Forever Stopped March Of Gay Rights, Dead At 84 #~# TOPEKA, KS—Fred Phelps Sr., the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church and the man who is widely credited with forever ending the gay rights movement in America, died today at age 84.
Mischievous Koch Brothers Trick Beautiful Woman Into Thinking There’s Only One Of Them #~# NEW YORK—Engaging in the playful mischief that has long been their hallmark, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch reportedly took turns entertaining a beautiful woman at a black-tie gala Wednesday night at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, tricking her into believing there was only one of them as part of a complex ruse to win her affections.
Area Man’s Emotional State Completely Dependent On Outcome Of Professional Sporting Event #~# DAYTON, OH—Noting that he does not possess a financial or otherwise tangible investment in the competitions, sources confirmed Thursday that local man David Milburn’s emotional state is completely dependent on the outcome of professional sporting events. “When they win I am happy, but when they lose I am sad,” said the man whose entire outlook on a given day will be determined solely by how a group of people he does not know perform in a recreational game that afternoon. “Occasionally my team makes me furious and my whole week is ruined. On the other hand, sometimes they also make me feel really proud. I can feel a lot of things; it just depends on the game.” Household sources added that Milburn, the best and worst days of whose life correlate to the dates of past games that are ultimately meaningless, also appears to believe that actively encouraging or admonishing teams from his living room has some bearing on their likelihood of success.
Couple Excited To Start Planning Wedding Expenses #~# DENVER—Shortly after local woman Mary Ann Burnett accepted the marriage proposal of longtime boyfriend Dave Ellsworth during a dinner date Wednesday night, the smiling couple announced they couldn’t wait to get started planning their wedding expenses together. “I’ve been dreaming of this special day’s financial burden ever since I was a little girl, and now I finally get to shoulder it,” said Burnett, noting that she and Ellsworth were thrilled to begin leafing through magazines and picking out invitations, flower arrangements, cake, and all the other personalized touches that quickly add up as they put together the most costly moment of their lives. “We already have our hearts set on this perfect little venue beyond our means, and tomorrow I’ll start shopping for the priciest dress I’ll ever wear. Then Dave and I can discuss what painfully expensive dinner options we want for 120 people, or whether to go with an overpriced DJ or an unaffordable band—basically just come to a consensus about how exactly we want to spend a sum of money in a single night that could otherwise be used as a down payment on a house.” The couple affirmed they wanted to get the exorbitant ceremony just right, as it represents the debt they’re solemnly entering into for the rest of their lives.
Networking Tips #~# Connecting with professionals in the same field can open up a world of opportunity for job seekers. Here are The Onion’s networking tips:
Facebook Unveils Facial Recognition Technology #~# Researchers at Facebook previewed their new program called DeepFace, which uses 3D technology to match two images of the same person with 97 percent accuracy, paving the way for features that allow users to more easily tag pictures of their friends. What do you think?
New ‘Star Wars’ Film Set 30 Years After ‘Return Of The Jedi’ #~# Disney CEO Bob Iger announced yesterday that the new Star Wars film will be set 30 years after the conclusion of Return Of The Jedi, following up news from the film’s official website that it will feature “new young leads along with some very familiar faces.” What do you think?
Hypochondriac Convinced Patient Has Cancer #~# BRIDGEPORT, CT—During a regularly scheduled appointment at St. Vincent’s Medical Center this afternoon, sources confirmed that after glancing at medical data for only a few moments, local hypochondriac Stephen Parsons became obsessively convinced that his patient Kevin Meadows has stage II leukemia. “This guy was completely neurotic. He just kept going on and on about how gravely sick I was, claiming my immune system was growing weaker every second and connecting every little symptom I’ve been experiencing over the past months to cancer,” said Meadows, who attested that the deeply paranoid, overly health-conscious man even went so far as to demand a battery of complicated biopsies and blood tests right then and there. “He was practically freaking out for a while. I mean, this nut got himself so worked up that he began insisting the cancer was going to spread all over my body, and then started listing off a whole variety of treatments he felt I needed to receive immediately. Man, he needs to get a grip.” Meadows added that the raving hypochondriac babbled something about Meadows only having 12 months to live, but mentioned that he had totally tuned him out by that point.
Families Of Missing Flight Passengers Just Hoping Media Gets Closure It Needs #~# KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA—Saying they have endured heart-wrenching uncertainty and deserved definitive answers, the families of passengers aboard missing Malaysia Airlines flight 370 expressed hope Wednesday that the media will eventually receive some kind of closure regarding the plane’s mysterious disappearance. “This has been an extremely difficult time for the reporters and anchors covering this event; they have put their lives on hold over the past 10 days and we know they won’t be able to move forward until they learn the fate of this airliner,” said Sarah Wan, speaking on behalf of the relatives and loved ones of the 239 missing individuals, who remain hopeful that some sort of resolution will be reached for the sake of the various news networks and websites. “The conflicting reports and numerous remaining unanswered questions have been devastating for them. It’s not surprising that they are obsessing around the clock, wondering what could have possibly occurred on board that flight. I don’t know how they are able to stay so resilient, grasping at every new statement or bit of information that trickles out. Our thoughts and prayers go out to them.” Wan said there was still a chance the plane may have been hijacked and the passengers aboard had been taken hostage, but she didn’t want to unfairly get the media’s hopes up.
Report: Strongest Human Relationships Emerge From Bashing Friend Who Couldn't Make It Out #~# ITHACA, NY—Citing the deep sense of connection and camaraderie that is forged in such situations, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Cornell University found that the closest bonds between humans develop when a group of individuals tear into a friend who was apparently too busy to come out and join them that night. “Based on our findings, the strongest friendships are formed when people—whether they have gathered at one of their residences or out at a restaurant or bar—all agree that an absent acquaintance is always pulling this bullshit, and then begin to really dig into every last thing they dislike about them,” lead researcher James Thurmond told reporters, adding that the more they rip on the no-show’s infuriating habits, unbearable work stories, and unwillingness to ever “do anything remotely fun,” the more the bond between them deepens and grows. “For most, these interactions—such as shaking one’s head in disbelief at their friend’s terrible taste in music or film or how they actually skipped a mutual friend’s bachelor or bachelorette party—produce an intense level of rapport and profound interpersonal understanding. It’s as close as two human beings can possibly get.” The researchers noted that of the relationships they studied, the most intimate and enduring friendships emerged when all individuals agreed the night was more fun without the absent acquaintance anyway.
Parents Reminisce To Children About Dating Algorithm That Brought Them Together #~# TOLEDO, OH—Recalling the excitement of seeing that initial automatically generated email alerting them to a potential relationship match, local couple Paul and Kelly Silva reminisced to their children about the dating website algorithm that first brought them together, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Your dad and I were both so carefree and idealistic back then, which a series of mathematical formulas immediately recognized based on specific keywords from our proprietary questionnaires,” Kelly Silva said as she cozied up next to her husband, smiling at the memory of one particular Saturday afternoon when a remote server analyzed a fixed set of variables in their profiles, detected a high level of uniformity, and outputted the calculation that they were 89 percent compatible. “As soon as I saw your dad’s smiling .jpeg thumbnail alongside the avatars of five other software-selected matches, I knew several lines of computer code had detected something really special between us.” Despite their immediate algorithm-facilitated attraction, the pair confirmed that it took several weeks before either of them had the courage to send the other a heart-shaped emoticon.
Tips For Filling Out Your Bracket #~# With the field of 68 teams now set, millions of college basketball fans are selecting their picks for the 2014 NCAA Tournament. Here are OSN’s tips for filling out your March Madness bracket:
Intrepid Middle-Class Parents Embark On Daring Search For Mythical Perfect School District #~# RICHMOND, VA—Sources confirmed that a harrowing journey commenced today at first light, when middle-class parents of two Ken and Deborah Linden courageously set off to find the perfect school district, a mythical realm of top-ranked, well-rounded education that many say only exists in legend.
Warren Buffett Offers $1 Billion For Dick Vitale To Shut Up #~# OMAHA, NE—In a move that has excited millions of fans across the country, business magnate Warren Buffett announced Wednesday that he will pay a grand prize of $1 billion if famed college basketball analyst Dick Vitale manages to shut up for the duration of this year’s NCAA tournament. “I was looking for some way to add to the already amazing spectacle of March Madness and came up with something actually quite simple: Dick Vitale keeps his goddamn mouth shut for the next three weeks and he gets a billion dollars,” said Buffett, stressing that the challenge is in no way a publicity stunt and that he is fully prepared to pay out if Vitale “doesn’t say one fucking word” for the entirety of the tournament. “The odds of success are obviously very, very small—nearly impossible, in fact—but you never know. And while some people say putting up such a huge sum of money is crazy, I think if something that incredible happened it would be well worth a billion dollars. There’s no prize for coming close, though, so one ‘slam, bam, jam’ or ‘diaper dandy’ and it’s unfortunately over.” At press time, sources confirmed that Vitale had already blown it.
Chinese Factory Workers Fear They May Never Be Replaced With Machines #~# SUZHOU, CHINA—Expressing growing concerns about their future job security, factory workers across China reported this week that they are deeply worried they may never lose their menial, hazardous positions on product assembly lines to automated machinery. “It’s a frightening prospect, but I’m starting to seriously believe that the day I find myself replaced by a robot is never coming,” 22-year-old Wintek employee Jie Liu told reporters, echoing the fears of thousands of his fellow laborers assembling touchscreen components on a cramped and poorly ventilated factory floor, all of whom said they were afraid that the installation of mechanized technology that renders obsolete their 18-hour workdays, subhuman working conditions, and tiny, roach-infested dormitories might still be decades off. “As much as it pains me to say, I just have to accept that I’ll be employed in this position for the foreseeable future. It’s sad to think jobs like these may still be here for my children.” Liu noted that his most realistic hope now was being rendered incapable of working after getting his hand caught in a machine press.
NFL Announces Jacksonville Jaguars To Play 16 Games In London Next Season #~# NEW YORK—Noting the league’s increasing popularity among fans in Britain and across Europe, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell revealed Tuesday that the Jacksonville Jaguars will play 16 regular season games in London next season. “Fans in the United Kingdom have shown an incredible passion and enthusiasm for our sport, so I’m thrilled to announce 16 exciting matchups featuring the Jacksonville Jaguars at Wembley Stadium next year,” Goodell told reporters, adding that the Jaguars will be listed as the home team for eight of their London games and as the away team for the remaining eight. “This is a great opportunity to further grow the NFL internationally and give thousands of British fans the chance to see the Jaguars play in person. And to prevent any logistical issues, the team will stay in England during those weeks with their own practice field, training facility, and front office based in London.” Goodell also confirmed that the Jaguars would also wear special limited-edition uniforms for their London games, featuring a new color scheme and team logo.
NASA: Industrial Societies Headed For Collapse #~# A new study funded by NASA posits that modern industrial society is headed toward extinction due to humans rapidly depleting the earth’s resources, which will soon lead to “inequality-induced famine.” What do you think?
Anti-Vaccine Movement Leads To Rise In Measles, Whooping Cough #~# According to the CDC, formerly eradicated diseases like measles, mumps, rubella, and whooping cough are making a comeback due to “anti-vaxxers,” parents who refuse to vaccinate their kids because they erroneously believe vaccines contain toxins that cause autism and more. What do you think?
Study: Slapping Everyone In Grocery Store, Exposing Yourself In Produce Section Still Frowned Upon By Society #~# PRINCETON, NJ—According to a study published Tuesday by sociologists at Princeton University, slapping every single person in a grocery store and then baring one’s genitalia in the produce department remains an act roundly frowned upon by modern society.
Area Man Having Difficulty Getting People To Sign Up For His NIT Bracket Pool #~# WEXFORD, PA—Despite his assertions that this year was shaping up to be one of the most wide-open and exciting tournaments in recent memory, sources confirmed Monday that local man Nick Moreno continued to struggle in his efforts to sign anyone up for his NIT bracket pool. “Hey guys, just a reminder to get in your NIT brackets and 10 bucks by the end of the day today,” Moreno said to a group of stone-faced coworkers who had barely skimmed his latest email encouraging everyone to “get in on the action” by making their predictions for the field of 32. “I bet most of you will have Georgia State going all the way this year, but, I don’t know, I think St. Mary’s really has a shot at the title as a four-seed. But we can talk picks after everyone’s brackets are in. And if anyone needs me to send the password for the group again, just let me know.” At press time, Moreno had sent a last-minute email offering to lower the buy-in fee to five dollars.
You Can Only Masturbate To Italian Chef Sculptures Outside Of Pizza Places For So Long Before Wanting The Real Thing #~# You know those statues of Italian chefs that some pizza places have out front? I’m sure you’ve seen them around just about everywhere—little waist-high sculptures planted on the sidewalk, welcoming customers into the pizzeria with an outstretched arm and a broad, coquettish grin. As soon as you catch sight of those stout little figures, you’ll notice them all over the place. And once you really look them over, you’ll see they’re sexy as hell. In fact, they drive me absolutely wild every time I get one in my sights, and I’d go ahead and say those statues are one of my favorite things to masturbate to.
History Of The Westboro Baptist Church #~# According to one of his estranged sons, Fred Phelps, the founder and longtime leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, is in gravely ill health. Here is a look back at some of the milestone moments in his controversial church’s history:
Man Just Having One Of Those Decades Where He Doesn't Feel Like Doing Anything #~# LANSING, MI—Saying he just hasn’t been motivated to change out of his pajamas and put on nice clothes, 45-year-old Jeff Renton confirmed Tuesday that he’s currently having one of those decades where he doesn’t really feel like getting up and doing anything. “It’s already 2014 and I haven’t really gotten around to anything yet, so at this point, I’m probably just going to chill out on the couch for the rest of the decade and see what’s on Netflix,” said Renton, who reportedly awoke on New Year’s Day 2010 feeling “kind of blah” and then, after not getting much done over the next 36 months, decided to call the current decade a wash. “Some decades you feel motivated to do stuff and some you just feel like playing video games and staying in bed. And seeing how this decade’s gone so far, I might as well just take it easy for the next six years and focus on picking things up again in the 2020s.” Renton noted, however, that if he found himself inspired, he might consider showering and taking a stab at some light housework around 2018.
Sexually Frustrated Woman Just One Of The Guys #~# ASPINWALL, PA—Noting that the 26-year-old with unfulfilled physical needs is easygoing and really fun to hang out with, several of Sarah Valetta’s male friends told reporters Tuesday that the sexually frustrated woman is pretty much one of the guys.
Dignified Cat Dressed In Adorable, Painful Sweater #~# DENVER—In an act entirely unbefitting his refined and dignified stature, stately local cat Smokey was placed in an adorable, painful sweater Thursday, multiple sources confirmed. “Aw, look at you—you’re so precious,” said Smokey’s owner, Francine Heatherton, who reportedly spent several minutes forcing the cute and severely constricting article of clothing over the self-respecting feline’s forelimbs and torso. “I bet you just feel so warm and cuddly in your sweet little [profoundly uncomfortable and itchy] sweater.” At press time, Heatherton debased the otherwise noble and distinguished animal even further by posting a charming, utterly humiliating photo of the sweater-clad cat to her Facebook page.
Guinness Pulls Sponsorship Of St. Patrick’s Day Parade #~# Guinness announced that it is withdrawing its sponsorship of the New York City St. Patrick’s Day parade in protest over the organizers’ policy of disallowing gay veterans from openly marching in the parade. What do you think?
Crimean Voters Excited To Exercise Democracy For Last Time #~# SIMFEROPOL, UKRAINE—Following yesterday’s referendum in which 97 percent of voters cast ballots in favor of seceding from Ukraine and joining the Russian Federation, Crimean citizens expressed their excitement Monday at participating in the democratic process one final time. “It brought me such great personal joy to head to the polls and, for the last time ever, have my vote tallied and actually mean something,” said local businessman Sergei Petrov of his vote in support of annexation by Russia, echoing the enthusiasm of hundreds of thousands of his fellow Crimeans who proudly took part in their final opportunity to assert their collective will at the ballot box. “Yesterday was a historic day for Crimea. Our people had a say in their future, and our voices were heard loud and clear, which is extremely special given that it won’t happen again for who knows how long.” At press time, Crimeans were commemorating the vote to become Russian citizens by eagerly watching and reading coverage of the momentous event in the limited handful of sanctioned media sources they now have available to them.
Mom Leaves Sweet Little Note For Sixth-Grader In ADD Prescription Bottle #~# TACOMA, WA—In an effort to express her affection and brighten her son’s day, local mother Julia Parker, 43, reportedly tucked a loving, handwritten note into her 11-year-old son Connor Parker’s bottle of Concerta medication Monday morning. “Hi, Connor! Hope you’re having a great day!” read the cheerful note that was carefully placed into the sixth-grader’s container of prescription psychostimulants and was intended to be read between third and fourth period, when he regularly takes his 36mg dose. “Love you tons! Mom.” At press time, Connor had reportedly traded his prescription medicine for a friend’s Adderall.
John Kerry Poses As Masseuse To Get Few Minutes With Putin #~# MOSCOW—Having waited until the Russian leader was lying facedown on the massage table before quietly slipping into the room behind him, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry is said to have posed as a masseuse at a high-end Moscow spa Monday in order to spend a few minutes alone with Vladimir Putin. “You seem very tense, Mr. Putin—how have things been going lately?” the United States cabinet member reportedly said while kneading Putin’s shoulders as gentle panpipe music played around them. “You sure have a lot of knots in your back. Have you been hunching over lately while drawing up plans for an imminent large-scale invasion of Ukraine, or maybe tensing up at the thought of crippling Western economic sanctions? You’d probably feel a lot more relaxed if you just invalidated yesterday’s referendum results in Crimea and acknowledged publicly that such a vote was illegal under the Ukrainian constitution.” Sources confirmed that Putin turned around with suspicion following Kerry’s suggestion that the Russian president could ease his muscle stiffness by withdrawing troops from Ukraine, at which point the secretary of state hastily poured water onto some nearby heated sauna stones to create a veil of steam, claimed to need more massage oil, and dashed out of the room.
Nation Demands More Mind-Blowing Guitar Solos #~# WASHINGTON—Voicing their calls for heavy distortion and completely badass riffs, millions of Americans across the country fervently demanded a significant increase in the number of mind-blowing guitar solos Monday, sources nationwide confirmed.
Report: On Surface, Glenbrook, OH A Small Town Like Any Other #~# GLENBROOK, OH—Citing its rows of modest two-story homes and well-maintained lawns, a report released this week confirmed that Glenbrook, OH appears, on its surface, to be a small town like any other. “At first glance, this tight-knit Midwestern community with its single stoplight and sleepy tree-lined streets seems no different than the workaday towns you might pass through anywhere in Middle America,” the report read in part, describing Glenbrook as a place in which people know their neighbors, children walk to school each day, and a stroll downtown takes you by a church, a bank, a diner, and an old-fashioned ice cream parlor always occupied by a smiling family or a local Little League team. “Most people don’t even look twice at the town square, or the high school, or the old movie theater. Indeed, a casual observer isn’t likely to notice anything out of the ordinary at all.” The report added that, upon closer inspection beneath its quiet, cheerful exterior, visitors might discover something else entirely.
Americans Spent $55.7 Billion On Pets Last Year #~# According to a new report, U.S. consumer spending on pet food, pet toys, grooming, and other pet-related expenses reached a record $55.7 billion last year, which researchers attribute in part to Americans’ increasing desire to pamper their pets. What do you think?
Happy Birthday, Patrick Duffy #~# Today is acting legend Patrick Duffy’s 65th birthday. What do you think?
Nation Gears Up For Start Of College Basketball Season #~# WASHINGTON—Having waited 11 months since the conclusion of last year’s thrilling four-week campaign, millions of Americans are gearing up for the start of college basketball season on Mar. 18, sources confirmed Monday. “I love college basketball, so it’s just great knowing that it’s almost back,” said 28-year-old Collin Shuster of Skokie, IL, echoing the thoughts of fans across the country who spent the winter excitedly reading various preseason rankings and team previews. “Obviously it’d be great if the season weren’t so short, and it sucks that once a team loses a single game their whole year is over, but I suppose that’s part of the reason college basketball is so exciting. I can’t wait for the first game.” Many Americans confirmed, however, that they only start closely paying attention halfway through the season, when only 16 teams remain in the field.
Proactive Man Removes Own Teeth In Attempt To Curb Nail-Biting Habit #~# WESTFORD, MA—Seeking to gain control over his unhealthy compulsion to bite his fingernails, decisive and forward-thinking local man Jeremy McCarthy informed reporters Wednesday that he had proactively confronted the problem by removing each one of his teeth with a pair of pliers. “Nail-biting is a very unpleasant habit and one I’ve been dealing with for years, so I finally just sat down and determined that if I honestly wanted to better myself, I needed to face up to the situation, grab the heavy-duty slip-joint pliers from my toolbox, and start yanking,” the 33-year-old sales consultant said confidently through his bloodied and newly toothless mouth. “Taking charge of a problem is always the hardest part. Once that was done, it was easy enough to just open wide and wrench those teeth out one by one, from my molars on forward. It only took a couple minutes, and I genuinely couldn’t be happier with the results.” The resolute man added that he also planned to cut off each of his fingertips with a handsaw “just to be sure” he would not succumb to any lingering nail-biting temptations.
Mark Zuckerberg Calls Obama To Complain About Spying #~# In an open letter he posted this week, Mark Zuckerberg wrote that he called President Obama to express his concerns about the NSA’s mass surveillance programs, which the Facebook founder considers a huge threat to the future of the internet. What do you think?
Frugal Couple Saves Money By Making Own Porn #~# KIRKSVILLE, MO—Saying they’re trying to tighten their belts where they can and cut back on costly erotica expenses, local couple Christopher and Ellen Landstrom told reporters Friday they have been able to save money by making their own porn at home. “When we sat down and did the math on our annual subscription to VividVideo.com and regular trips to Tom’s Adult Emporium, we realized just how much we could save if we shot our own hardcore scenes ourselves,” said Christopher Landstrom, who estimates the couple has been able to trim costs by at least $80 a month by filming vaginal intercourse, cunnilingus, and facial ejaculations in their living room. “Some of our friends thought we were being way too thrifty, but it hasn’t even felt like that big of a sacrifice. When I think of all the money we’re saving by staying in on weekends and fisting each other in front of the camcorder, it just makes sense.” The couple admitted they have been able to reduce their household budget even further by sewing their own cheerleader costumes and inviting Ellen’s twin sister Lisa to join them every once in a while.
Dog Doesn’t Consider Itself Part Of Family #~# THOMASVILLE, GA—While admitting that he relies on members of the family for food and shelter and is often included in household activities and family photographs, local 6-year-old golden retriever Pepper told reporters Friday that he in no way considers himself part of the O’Donnell family. “Hey, they’re not bad people, and I appreciate that they let me ride in the car sometimes, but do I think of them as my own family members? God, no,” the canine said while scratching behind his right ear with his hind leg, adding that he had no say in the matter when he was adopted and spends as much time as possible in the backyard to distance himself from the O’Donnells. “Have you seen these guys? They’re kind of loud and obnoxious, they sit on that couch all the time looking at their phones, and they’re not at all into throwing around the tennis ball. Just look at [father] Rob [O’Donnell]—guy’s a complete mess and can’t even walk to the park without getting winded. No way I’m one of them.” At press time, Pepper’s stance was reaffirmed when Denise O’Donnell made him sit and beg for several moments before letting him have a piece of cheese.
Researchers Find Human Beings Naturally Evolved Toward Monogamy And Carrying On Fun Little Flings On Side #~# BOULDER, CO—A study released this week by biologists at the University of Colorado has found that over the course of millions of years, humans steadily evolved to form monogamous pair bonds and also have a fun little fling or two here and there. “Approximately 3.5 million years ago, our early hominid ancestors first began to develop long-term, exclusive pairings with their mates while getting themselves a little something extra on the side, too,” said lead researcher James Garvey, who added that by the Pleistocene Epoch, our ancestors had been hardwired to enjoy the occasional purely physical, no-strings-attached dalliance if the opportunity happened to present itself amid their otherwise monogamous lifestyles. “The tendency of human beings to provide for their young resulted in both male and female parents cohabiting but every now and then slipping off elsewhere to get some outside action, whether it was just a one-time thing or fairly regular hookups with someone they had an understanding with about this kind of thing. In this way, forming stable, monogamous pairs while every so often indulging one’s innate, red-blooded urges with a different partner has become a fundamental biological trait of our species.” The researchers, who emphasized that such flings are “totally natural,” went on to note that there was no evolutionary reason why anyone needed to know about them.
Number Of Adults On ADHD Meds Reaches New High #~# According to a new report, the number of adults taking prescription medications for ADHD rose 50 percent between 2008 and 2012, leading many to question whether doctors are overprescribing the meds. What do you think?
Report: There Probably College Conference Named ‘Coastal 10’ #~# LOS ANGELES—Claiming that the name sounds plausible enough, sources confirmed Friday that there is most likely a collegiate athletic conference called the Coastal 10. “There’s all sorts of conferences, so it seems reasonable to assume The Coastal 10 is made up of a bunch of schools somewhere on the West Coast,” said 26-year-old college sports fan Patrick Solomon, who speculated that the hypothetical conference includes various universities with names like Central Valley Tech, Santa Monica State, and UC North Beach. “I bet it’s a Division I conference, but most of their games aren’t televised, so you’d have to see them on WatchESPN. And they probably get an at-large bid to the tournament every once in a while, too. Yeah, something like that.” Reached for comment, NCAA president Mark Emmert confirmed that all of this sounds about right.
Manly Man Wastes Entire Year’s Worth Of Feelings On Single Movie Viewing #~# AMES, IA—Recklessly squandering his emotions without any regard for the future, local manly man Greg Humboldt reportedly exhausted a whole year’s worth of feelings during a single viewing of the 1993 film Rudy Friday. “Yes, Rudy! I’m so proud of you!” said a teary-eyed Humboldt, who had reportedly already burned through nearly all his available reserves of sadness, pity, and unbridled joy by the time the stadium groundskeeper had convinced Rudy never to give up on his dream. “He did it, goddammit. It’s all he ever wanted to do, and he did it. They can’t stand in a man’s way like that, not when he has so much determination in his heart. Oh, Rudy!” At press time, sources confirmed Humboldt was reading a detailed exposé on puppy mills and experiencing no emotions whatsoever.
Keith Richards Writing Children’s Book #~# Keith Richards has announced that he is co-authoring a new children’s book called Gus & Me: The Story of My Granddad and My First Guitar, which will recount the Rolling Stones guitarist’s first music lessons with his grandfather. What do you think?
Malaysia Airlines Expands Investigation To Include General Scope Of Space, Time #~# ‘Why Are We Even Here?’ Officials Probe
Portion Of Finite Life Spent In Mock Fantasy Baseball Draft #~# NOVI, MI—Ignoring the ever-looming specter of his own mortality, sources confirmed that local web designer Spencer Krone devoted a rapidly fleeting portion of his finite life Thursday evening to participating in a mock draft for his Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Baseball league “Diggin’ For Goldschmidt.” “Dammit, somebody already got Mike Trout,” Krone reportedly said as his every breath brought him closer to the inevitable end of his time on earth, with the 26-year-old having chosen to dedicate over two hours of his brief yet precious existence to a full 23-round practice run of an upcoming fantasy draft. “Hope I can still get McCutchen. McCutchen’s really good.” At press time, Krone, who will reportedly never have the chance to relive his mid-20s, had just made a note that Los Angeles Angels third baseman David Freese could be a quality sleeper pick late in the draft.
Highlights From Pope Francis’ First Year #~# Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected pontiff one year ago Thursday, taking the name Pope Francis and beginning a colorful and progressive tenure as the head of the Catholic Church. Here are some of the most memorable moments from Pope Francis’ first year:
Scientists Confirm Statues Humans’ Closest Nonliving Relative #~# OXFORD, ENGLAND—Following an exhaustive six-year analysis of numerous inanimate beings, scientists at Oxford University announced Thursday they have conclusively proven that statues are our species’ nearest nonliving relatives. “While it was long believed within the scientific community that plush stuffed monkeys were our most closely related non-evolutionary ancestor, we have since determined this distinction in fact belongs to statues,” said Dr. Richard Hamill, head of the research team that carefully analyzed inorganic samples obtained from marble and bronze statuary as well as their nearby cousins, plaster sculptures. “In some key respects, statues are practically indistinguishable from homo sapiens. Like humans, they stand upright, and while they may be much taller or shorter than us, their limbs and facial features appear in proportions virtually identical to our own. In addition, the use of weaponry and horses by many statues suggests they possess the ability to fashion tools and domesticate animals, indicating a large cultural overlap with us as well.” The findings have reportedly come under intense scrutiny from a rival team of researchers advancing the theory that mannequins, which branched off from statuary in the 15th century, are in fact even more closely related to modern humans.
Dad From 2150 Can’t Get Enough Iraq War Documentaries #~# NEW CHICAGO—Citing his long-held enthusiasm for military history, mid-22nd-century father Myron Orkney confirmed Thursday that he eagerly watches Iraq War documentaries as often as he can. “I just saw the most fascinating holovid on the Second Battle of Fallujah the other day, and just last week there was this great three-part profile on General Tommy Franks that I watched in one sitting,” said the 58-year-old father of two, who noted that he also owns a box set of nine neocortex insertion discs that chronicle the long-ago conflict in depth using archival photographs and actual letters from soldiers on the front lines. “It certainly was a different time back then. Not only did they have troops who were actually physically on site during battles, but a lot of those guys went into combat without limb-regeneration technologies or even body armor. Can you imagine that? One of these days I’m going to take the whole family to the Holy Islamic Caliphate of Iraq so we can tour all the historic battle sites.” Orkney added that although he could happily sit and view a whole weekend of documentaries on the early 21st-century conflict, he does not enjoy any of the popular romantic period dramas set during the quaint, old-fashioned Iraq War era that his wife loves.
Elephants Can Distinguish Human Voices By Age, Ethnicity #~# According to a new study, elephants can discern people of different ages, sexes, and ethnic groups based on the humans’ voices, a skill researchers say helps the animals remember threatening groups. What do you think?
Inexperienced Streaker To Practice In Living Room A Few Times Before Doing It For Real #~# JUPITER, FL—Saying that he wants to make sure he gets it right when it counts, local man and inexperienced streaker Alex Burmaster told reporters Tuesday that he plans on running nude a few times in his living room as practice before doing it for real Saturday night. “I think I’m going to run a couple naked laps around the coffee table just so I can really get a feel for it before the weekend,” said Burmaster, adding that he intends to fully expose himself in his kitchen before sprinting past his couch, entertainment center, and cat tower in an effort to work out the kinks of the process ahead of his planned streak across a local baseball field during an upcoming game. “Four or five dry runs should be enough to really get it down. I just want to know that when the time comes, I’ll be able to rip my clothes off while running at the same time, keep a good pace, and generally look confident while doing it.” As he began practicing, Burmaster added to reporters that the last thing he wants to do Saturday is “make a complete fool of [himself].”
Deloitte Hires Accountant After Noticing Popular Tweets Of Audit Calculations #~# NEW YORK—Citing his rapidly growing social media presence and prolific, insightful takes on generally accepted accounting practices, officials from global professional services firm Deloitte announced Wednesday they had hired Boston-based accountant William Glasier shortly after noticing the 26-year-old’s highly popular tweets of financial audit calculations. “When we came across William’s @TheRealRiskAssessor Twitter account and read his incredibly smart and engaging tweets of gross margin sample reports, performance materiality numbers, and risk assessments, our jaws dropped and we asked, ‘Who is this guy?’” said Deloitte hiring manager Jennifer Lipsky, noting that Glasier’s concise, captivating posts have garnered thousands of retweets from the likes of Ernst & Young, the Public Company Accounting Oversight Board, and consulting industry legend Dominic Barton. “We immediately thought to ourselves that if William can do such fantastic cost-volume profit analysis in just 140 characters, imagine his potential writing a full unqualified opinion of financial statements. Honestly, he’s one of the brightest accounting personalities on Twitter, so it was only a matter of time before someone snatched him up—and we’re lucky it was us.” Lipsky added that Deloitte’s top executives were further impressed upon discovering Glasier’s unique and astute Instagrams of common Sarbanes-Oxley compliance errors.
Nostalgic Man Can Still Remember Time When Billboard Advertised ‘Red 2’ #~# HOUSTON—Thinking back on a far simpler time, local man Andrew Espenales, 34, wistfully told reporters Wednesday that he is still able to recall an era when the billboard on the southbound side of Interstate 610 advertised the 2013 action comedy Red 2. “Man, it feels like it was only yesterday I was looking up at that all-star ensemble cast,” said Espenales, smiling as he took a stroll down memory lane to a time when the billboard, currently featuring a Smartwater advertisement, promoted the Bruce Willis–helmed sequel with the tagline “The Best Never Rest.” “I can close my eyes and picture it now, clear as day. You’d drive by and see that red background, the large text, and Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Helen Mirren striding confidently toward you. I must have looked up at that old Red 2 sign dozens of times, and then one day, just like that, it was a Nike ad featuring J.J. Watt. Boy, times sure do change.” Espenales confirmed that the former summer blockbuster’s domestic release date, July 19, would forever be etched in his memory.
‘Access Hollywood’ Reporter Vows To Get To Very Surface Of Story #~# LOS ANGELES—With many trivial questions still unanswered about the separation of pop star Robin Thicke from actress Paula Patton, Access Hollywood correspondent Liz Hernandez vowed Wednesday to do whatever it takes to get to the very surface of the story. “I will not rest until I’ve uncovered every single superficial detail and interviewed every vapid source about this troubled celebrity couple’s split,” said Hernandez, pledging to vigilantly document all of the latest speculation regarding Thicke’s new potential love interests and investigate any and all possible inane connections between the separation and Patton’s post-breakup wardrobe selections. “Our viewers deserve a presumptuous, insubstantial take on what went wrong, and I will jump to any conclusions necessary to make sure they are informed.” At press time, the intrepid entertainment journalist had reportedly come upon several heretofore unseen insignificant paparazzi photos of Thicke and discovered that the scope of the story was far more unimportant than anyone could ever imagine.
Study: Premarital Cohabitation Doesn’t Raise Risk Of Divorce #~# Contradicting previous studies claiming premarital cohabitation leads to divorce, research from the University of North Carolina has found that living together before marriage has little or no effect on marriage success rates. What do you think?
Highlights From SXSW Interactive #~# The interactive portion of the South by Southwest festival concluded yesterday in Austin, TX. Here is a look back at the top moments from this year’s event:
Report: Only 20 Minutes Until Introverted Man Gets To Leave Party #~# SAN MATEO, CA—Having already spent a considerable amount of time quietly examining items around the apartment and standing on the periphery of others’ discussions until walking away under the pretense that he needed to refill his cup of beer, local introvert Dennis Brewer reported today that there are only 20 minutes left before he gets to leave an acquaintance’s house party. “I told myself I’d stay here until 8:30, and I already killed about 15 minutes avoiding conversation by circling repeatedly around the table of hors d’oeuvres to appear occupied, and another cumulative half hour pretending to text friends, so I just need to make it a few more minutes,” the tense man told reporters while sifting through a pile of coats on the host’s bed as if he was having trouble locating his jacket, an activity he planned to perform for the next 10 minutes or until someone else entered the room. “If I walk back and forth between the conversations in the kitchen and the living room for a little while and go back to the bathroom one more time, then I’ll have been here long enough to tell the host that I have some work to finish up before bed and that I should probably get going. Then it’s just a matter of slipping on my shoes and waiting to tie them until I get out the door so that not too many people see me leaving and ask why I’m heading out so soon.” At press time, sources reported that Brewer’s plans for withdrawal were dangerously imperiled by a partygoer’s insistence that the whole group hit up a nearby bar.
Obama Spends Afternoon In Garage Restoring Classic Drone #~# WASHINGTON—Taking his time to thoroughly clean a pair of replacement carburetors and install them on a turbocharged Rotax engine as classic rock tracks blared from a nearby transistor radio, sources confirmed that President Barack Obama spent most of Wednesday afternoon in the White House garage continuing his restoration of a vintage military drone.
Several NFL Teams Express Interest In Your Sister #~# NEW YORK—­Saying that there are plenty of franchises that would “love to have her,” league sources reported Wednesday that multiple NFL teams have expressed high levels of interest in your sister. “We’ve had our eye on her for a while, and we’re confident she has a whole lot to offer this organization,” said Colts GM Ryan Grigson, echoing the sentiment of 12 interested parties who “like what [they’ve] seen so far” from the coveted 18-year-old. “She’s got just the kind of build we’re looking for. What is she, by the way? A college freshman? Wow, she’s really matured over the past few years. She certainly has our attention.” Sources also noted that many of the involved teams were willing to offer your sister “significant compensation” in return for her services.
Colorado Earns $2 Million In Tax Revenue From Legal Pot #~# The Colorado Department of Revenue announced that during the state’s first month of legal recreational marijuana sales, it collected $2 million in taxes from about $14 million in total sales. What do you think?
Edward Snowden Speaks At SXSW #~# Appearing over streaming video from an undisclosed location in Russia, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden spoke at the South By Southwest Interactive Festival yesterday as part of a panel hosted by the ACLU. What do you think?
Area Mother Doesn’t See Why Thai People Need To Make Food So Spicy #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Insisting that inhabitants of the Southeast Asian country “can’t possibly eat like this every day,” local mother Courtney Meisner confirmed Tuesday that she does not understand why Thai people need all their food to be so spicy. “Why do they have to make it so strong and peppery? There’s too many spices,” a flushed Meisner said during lunch at the Lemongrass Thai Grill, reaching for her glass of water to wash down a spoonful of tom yum goong. “Honestly, how can they stand this? There’s no way their children eat this spicy food, I’ll tell you that much.” Unable to finish more than a few bites of her penang curry entrée, Meisner went on to state that Thai people really ought to put all the spices on the side “so you can just put in however much you want.”
Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot #~# NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, sources reported. “I’m just a mid-level pea brain, so when this decision landed on my desk from one of the nimrods on my team, I knew I had to run it up the flagpole all the way to the top dope in my department,” said account manager Alan Rasche, who reportedly sent a detailed memo up the boob chain to the highest pinhead in the local office, but quickly learned that even she couldn’t adequately address it and had to send it up to a higher dipshit in company headquarters. “From what I hear, they’re bringing in all the top dumbfuck brass to weigh in on this one, and the ultimate decision is going to come down from the company’s very highest dimwit. This is why the shit-for-brains executives in corporate get paid the big bucks.” Sources said they were confident the company’s top idiot would render an absolutely lunkheaded decision that the company’s low-level nitwits would then have to spend months trying to fix.
‘The Onion’ Offers Richie Incognito A 5-Year, $50 Million Contract #~# With NFL free agency officially underway, front offices across the league are rushing to sign the best available talent in the market. But amid the throngs of cap numbers, salary restructuring, cuts, and contract offers, there is one man who stands head and shoulders above the rest. There is one man with an undeniable track record of getting the absolute best out of those around him, and who has shown a drive so great and uncompromising that his skill set is not merely limited to the world of professional sports.
Report: No One Will Ever Stack Up To Your Eighth-Grade Boyfriend #~# PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Tuesday by sociologists at Stanford University, there’s not a single potential partner out there who will ever be as kind, caring, or intelligent as your eighth-grade boyfriend, the first and last guy who totally “got” you and the only one you truly loved.
It’s Sad Seeing How Much My Hometown Has Changed Since That Level 7 Nuclear Accident #~# As I get older, I become more and more nostalgic for my youth. Times change, people grow up and move on with their lives, and it’s hard not to yearn for the simpler days when you were just a kid without a care in the world. Never do I feel this sentiment more strongly than when I return to the town where I was raised and see just how different it’s become since the level 7 radiological event.
McDonald’s Now Offering Bereavement Prices #~# OAK BROOK, IL—Saying that the company is proud to support its customers in their darkest hour of sorrow, McDonald’s representatives announced Tuesday that the fast food chain will begin offering lower bereavement pricing to patrons who have recently lost a loved one. “We all know the pain of losing a family member, and we here at McDonald’s want to help assuage the anguish and stress of this difficult emotional period by offering grieving customers 10 percent off our signature burgers and premium McWraps, including our Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder, which usually retails at $3.99, for just $3.59,” said McDonald’s spokesperson Troy Calhoun, noting that customers would simply have to supply the cashier or drive-thru attendant with the name and relationship of the deceased as well as a funeral home, hospice, or hospital contact number to receive the discount and a complimentary small soft drink. “During your family’s time of mourning, you can take solace in knowing that McDonald’s compassion discounts extend even to our seasonal promotional items, which currently include our spicy and satisfying bone-in Mighty Wings and our popular Shamrock Shake. In hard times such as these, let McDonald’s be your comfort.” Calhoun added that the offer is valid only within the first seven days of death and does not apply to Dollar Menu items.
Study: Smartphones Make Parents Ignore Kids #~# According to a study from Boston Medical Center, parents who used their mobile devices to text, email, or play games while they were around their kids were more likely to ignore or have negative interactions with them. What do you think?
Microsoft Ending Support For Windows XP #~# Twelve years after introducing the operating system, which now runs on nearly 30 percent of all desktops, Microsoft has announced that starting on April 8 it will no longer be offering security updates or customer support for the software. What do you think?
BREAKING: Sprinting College Student Might Actually Have Chance At Getting Frisbee #~# WINSTON-SALEM, NC—In what many are calling a stunning and wildly unexpected development, witnesses confirmed Monday that a college student charging at full speed across Wake Forest University’s Davis Field may actually have an outside chance of catching the Frisbee currently gliding to the ground. “As soon as that thing went in the air, I thought, ‘Sorry, man, there’s no way,’ but turns out he’s a lot faster than he looks,” said onlooker Julia Maddock, 20, who noted that though the awkward, wobbling toss initially seemed tilted at too severe an angle to be catchable, the student has since covered such an incredible distance that he might—might—just get there before it hits the grass. “He just took off and made a beeline straight for where he somehow knew it was headed. Christ, look at him go. He still probably won’t get there in time, but it’s a miracle he even has a shot here.” At press time, sources at the scene were confirming with astonishment that the son of a bitch is actually diving headfirst to try to catch it.
Man Who Treats Women With Respect Asked What His Secret Is #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Commenting upon his seemingly effortless ability to interact with all kinds of women, friends of local financial analyst Matt Brownlow, a man who regularly treats members of the opposite sex with respect, reportedly asked the 28-year-old Monday what his secret is. “You just seem to have such a way with women—what’s your trick?” friend Alex Stegman inquired of the considerate man who sustains healthy, meaningful relationships with women by consistently listening to them and not treating them as utilitarian instruments for male gratification. “I don’t know how you do it. It seems like talking to women is so easy for you, and you’re always able to get them smiling and engaged in conversation with you. Man, I wish I could do that.” At press time, sources confirmed Brownlow could be overheard working his magic on a female coworker by thoughtfully asking about her weekend.
The Onion’s Tips For Saving Money #~# Many Americans are looking to cut costs to secure their financial futures. Here are The Onion’s tips for saving money:
Report: Ocean Levels Could Rise Foot Or More If Lots Of People Go Swimming #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration sounded a strong warning about rising seas Monday, saying that ocean levels around the world are projected to increase by 12 inches or more should a bunch of people go swimming at the same time. “According to our latest analysis, an increase in global mean sea level of several inches is inevitable at this point given the approach of summer beach season, when millions of people will simultaneously go for a swim,” said oceanographer Paul Acosta at a press conference, adding that the increase could be “significantly higher” than currently predicted if lots of beachgoers choose to hold their breath and go under all the way. “Coastal cities and low-lying islands are the most vulnerable to rising sea levels, particularly if it’s not just kids who go for a dip, but full-grown adults as well. Our best hope now is moderating the rise as much as we can by convincing people to only wade in up to their waists.” Acosta also warned about the devastating possibilities of catastrophic tsunamis should everyone jump into the ocean together from a dock or off the side of a boat.
Company President Started Out As Fertilized Embryo #~# NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he had come in 56 years, MerCal Enterprises president David Gilford reflected this week on his rise from a humble fertilized embryo to head of a publicly traded multinational company.
Expectant Parents Throw Some Values Together At Last Minute #~# SAN JOSE, CA—With their baby daughter due to arrive any day now, expectant couple Drew and Francesca Mott have reportedly been scrambling this week to cobble together a working system of ethical principles and moral values they can pass along to their first child. “We kept putting off building a set of prescriptive personal beliefs, but now we’re down to the wire and still haven’t hammered out firm attitudes toward right and wrong, self-discipline, generosity, table manners, personal integrity, or any of that,” said the soon-to-be father as he and his wife quickly attempted to slap together a coherent worldview encompassing the basic nature of mankind, one’s obligations to others as human beings, and what defines a well-lived life. “The Golden Rule seems like a pretty safe bet, right? Let’s throw that in there. And we haven’t even thought about a work ethic—do we want to instill a deep sense of dedication and focus or leave more freedom to pursue rewarding outside interests? I wish we’d gotten around to this sooner.” At press time, reports confirmed the couple had relaxed upon realizing that at a certain age their child would just systematically reject any values they impressed upon her anyway.
It Not Clear If It Okay To Pass Handicapped Woman On Sidewalk #~# BOSTON—After nearly a minute of being stuck behind a slow-moving disabled woman on the sidewalk Monday, it reportedly remained unclear to 32-year-old sales manager Alex Tremont whether it would be acceptable for him to pass her or not. “Jeez, what exactly am I supposed to do here?” Tremont reportedly said to himself, mentally noting that if he briskly slipped by the slow-moving woman he might make her self-conscious of her impairment, and that if he bumped into her while trying to squeeze past he would feel “just terrible.” “I suppose I could cross the street, get a block or so ahead, and then cross back, but how offensive would that be if she notices me doing it? Boy, maybe the best option is just to wait this out.” After several more moments of intense thought, Tremont reportedly settled on the option of walking around the woman but giving her a warm, courteous nod to acknowledge her presence as he passed.
Young E-Cigarette Users Less Likely To Quit Smoking #~# According to a new study from researchers at the University of California San Francisco, middle and high school students who use electronic cigarettes are more likely to smoke real cigarettes and be heavier smokers than those who don’t. What do you think?
Brief Moment Of Lucidity Called Panic Attack #~# JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Following a brief episode Friday during which he became physically debilitated by a flood of worries about his struggles in his career, romantic failings, and his own fragile mortality, sources confirmed that local man Evan Turoff referred to the passing moment of clarity about his real and ongoing problems as a “panic attack.” “Whoa, that was terrifying,” said Turoff of the paralyzing minute-long experience during which he sweated profusely and his heartbeat accelerated as he made a clear-eyed appraisal of the personal and professional troubles in his life that he routinely minimizes or denies outright and saw them for the tragically insurmountable hurdles they are. “Man, I’m glad that’s over. I was nearly hyperventilating for a second there. That was a bad one.” At press time, Turoff reported feeling relieved after returning to a pleasing, normal state of delusion about his myriad faults and failures, and allowing himself to become pleasantly preoccupied with lunch.
Massachusetts Bans Upskirt Photos After Outcry #~# Due to the controversy surrounding their ruling earlier this week that criminal voyeurism didn’t apply to a man who took photos up a woman’s skirt on the MBTA, the Massachusetts Legislature voted yesterday to outlaw the act of “upskirting.” What do you think?
Papa John’s Now Offering 3-Day Home Delivery #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Aiming to provide their customers with the most convenient options when placing an order, Papa John’s officials announced Friday that the restaurant chain will now be offering three-day home delivery service on any purchase. “For just a $7.95 shipping fee, you can get three medium two-topping pizzas and an order of cheese sticks delivered straight to your door within three business days,” said Papa John’s CEO John Schnatter, who also unveiled the company’s new ground-based fleet of high-capacity pizza delivery trucks. “In cases where we miss a customer at home, our pizza carriers will affix a door tag providing instructions to pick up an order between specified hours at a nearby Papa John’s location. Of course, we’ll still offer our free standard shipping service, which guarantees delivery within five to seven days.” Schnatter added that for just $14.95, customers would be able to have their order shipped overnight via Next-Day Express delivery.
‘True Detective’ Fan Develops Elaborate Theory He Will Be Let Down By Season Finale #~# LANSING, MI—Claiming that the clues have been in plain sight all along, local man and diehard True Detective fan Spencer Adams, 34, told reporters Friday he has developed an elaborate theory that he will be incredibly disappointed by the show’s upcoming season finale. “If you’ve been paying close attention to each episode so far, everything points to the fact that we’re headed for a huge disappointment this Sunday,” said Adams, citing as supporting evidence the impossibly high expectations scattered throughout the crime drama’s first seven episodes and listing off a labyrinthine catalog of loose ends and unresolved plot threads that, according to his hypothesis, the HBO series cannot possibly wrap up in the season’s final 60 minutes. “I’ve been watching every shot, every cutaway intently—sometimes viewing the same episodes three or four times each—and the signs are all there: the increasingly convoluted story, the massive amounts of filler in the more recent episodes, the numerous occult references that we clearly aren’t going to get a proper explanation for. All of that makes a satisfying ending virtually impossible, and if you’ve carefully followed every onscreen moment like I have, you’ll see they’ve been making that obvious from the very start.” Adams also noted that the show has been dropping numerous hints as to the arc of its planned second season, namely that the producers will be unable to cast leads on par with Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson and that Adams will then stop watching.
Brooklyn Nets Insist They Only See Jason Collins As Terrible Player #~# NEW YORK—Several weeks after making history by signing the first publicly gay athlete in a major North American sports league, members of the Brooklyn Nets stressed to reporters Friday that they view new teammate Jason Collins only as a really terrible basketball player. “We don’t look at him as the first openly gay player in the NBA—he’s just like any other guy on the team who comes in during garbage time and contributes nothing on either side of the ball,” said Nets forward Paul Pierce, insisting that on the court, the 35-year-old 7-foot center is an unexceptional, totally ineffective big man and nothing more. “His sexuality isn’t a big deal to us. Understandably the media and fans will concentrate on that, but in our eyes, he’s just another benchwarmer who’ll grab a rebound every once in a while and have no actual impact whatsoever on this team.” Pierce went on to say that the signing of Collins was not about publicity or marketing, but rather reflects the franchise’s strategy of building a team around aging players long past their prime.
College’s New CareerLink Program Connects Students With Thousands Of Annoyed Alums #~# POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—Marist College announced in a press release Friday the launch of its new online CareerLink program, allowing for easier communication between college seniors preparing to enter the workforce and irritated alumni who have zero interest in getting involved. “Historically, it’s been a challenge for students to find and connect with alumni working in their desired field in order to burden them with their fears about future unemployment, but with this new web-based interface, those busy adults who really don’t have time for this are just a click away,” wrote college spokesman Alan Wasserman of the online database containing the email addresses and phone numbers of thousands of Marist graduates who can think of nothing less enjoyable than listening to an endless stream of 22-year-olds pester them about potential job openings. “And from the perspective of our alumni out there in the working world, the CareerLink service hooks them into a vast network of inexperienced undergrads they’ve never met, have no intention of ever recommending to be hired, and who frankly are just wasting their time. It’s a great tool for bringing the whole Marist community together.” Wasserman added that the school would finance the CareerLink platform by repeatedly needling annoyed, debt-saddled alums for donations.
National Endowment For The Arts Provides $80 Million To Discourage Talentless Hacks #~# WASHINGTON—Continuing in its mission to support excellence across a range of artistic disciplines, the National Endowment for the Arts announced Friday a new initiative allocating $80 million to discourage no-talent hacks from engaging in creative endeavors.
Facebook Adds Restrictions To Curb Illegal Gun Sales #~# Responding to criticism that it’s not doing enough to prevent people from illegally buying and   selling guns through the site, Facebook has announced that it will actively delete posts trying to   circumvent gun laws and educate violators about gun retail. What do you think?
Changes To The SAT #~# The College Board has announced that it is making extensive, fundamental changes to the SATs in order to better evaluate today’s high school students. Here are some of the upcoming revisions:
NHL Outdoor Games Inspiring More Kids To Go Outside And Play Hockey At Local NFL Stadiums #~# CHICAGO—Claiming that the events have reinvigorated the sport at youth level, USA Hockey officials announced Thursday that the NHL’s increasingly popular “Stadium Series” games are inspiring children across the country to go out and play hockey with their friends at nearby NFL stadiums. “Not everybody lives next door to an ice rink, but these outdoor games have made kids realize that all you need to play hockey is a puck, a few friends, and a 65,000-seat open-air arena,” said USA Hockey president Ron Degregorio, adding that children need only ride their bikes to neighboring NFL stadiums to play pickup games until it gets too dark to see, at which point they can just turn on the venue’s 1,500-watt floodlights. “Sure, they don’t have boards like an actual hockey rink, but you just need to pile up some snow along the perimeter of the ice and it works just fine. It’s just great to see kids getting out into the elements and enjoying the great sport of hockey—whether it’s at Ford Field, M&T Bank Stadium, or even just on the infield of a Major League ballpark.” Degregorio added that if there is no ice on the ground, young players can simply turn off their local stadium’s sub-turf heating system and use hose water to create a makeshift rink.
Paranoid Oscar Pistorius Still Thinks Burglar After Him #~# PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Insisting that the dangerous individual could be literally anywhere right now, a paranoid, wild-eyed Oscar Pistorius was reportedly overheard muttering to his defense lawyers numerous times during his murder trial Thursday that the burglar who invaded his home on the night of his girlfriend’s death is still out there and determined to come after him. “The burglar is always watching and waiting, and he won’t stop until he gets me,” a visibly tense Pistorius reportedly whispered from behind the defendant’s table, his eyes darting all around as he scanned the courtroom for the unnamed intruder who has not been seen since allegedly breaking into Pistorius’ home the night the paraplegic track and field star shot and killed Reeva Steenkamp. “I’m telling you, he could be here right now, and all he wants to do is steal from me. I’ll never be safe, never. Not unless…not unless I get to him first.” At press time, Pistorius was frantically reaching for the bailiff’s pistol after having spotted dozens of burglars sitting in the courtroom gallery.
New ‘Normal Barbie’ Doll Has Proportions Of Average Woman #~# In an effort to prevent young girls from developing a poor body image, artist Nickolay Lamm is seeking to crowdfund production of “Lammily,” a doll with the body proportions of an average 19-year-old. What do you think?
Iditarod Musher Limiting Self To Eating Just One Husky Per Day #~# GALENA, AK—Stressing the importance of pacing oneself over the course of the 1,000-mile dog sledding race, veteran Iditarod musher Paul Gebhardt told reporters Thursday that he always makes sure to limit himself to eating just one husky per day. “The Iditarod is a long, strenuous race, and you’re going to find yourself in serious trouble if you eat up all your sled dogs too early,” said Gebhardt, noting that he has long restricted himself to butchering, skinning, and devouring only a single husky at the end of a long day on the trail, making sure to always finish the entire dog before slaughtering a new one. “A lot of the younger guys don’t know how to ration their dogs; they’re wolfing down three or four a day at the get-go, and then they get themselves into a situation where they’ve got nothing left to eat down the stretch. I always tell them: Slow down, or you’re going to be kicking yourself when you’re still 80 miles from the finish line and you’re gnawing on your last hind leg. You need to stay disciplined.” Gebhardt added that following the Iditarod, there’s nothing more rewarding than getting home and immediately slaughtering and feasting on his remaining dogs.
BREAKING: Imperial Inspector To Arrive By Railcar This Very Afternoon #~# Hang The Ribbons, Sweep The Streets—Everything Must Be Perfect For The Inspector!
Desperate Catholic Church Now Offering Sainthood To Anyone Who Regularly Attends Weekly Mass #~# VATICAN CITY—Alerting faithful around the world to changes regarding its process of beatification and canonization, Vatican spokesman Fr. Federico Lombardi announced today that the Roman Catholic Church will now bestow sainthood on any man or woman who attends weekly mass on a regular basis. “After careful deliberation and prayer, the Church has elected to enter any believer into the Canon of Saints so long as he or she is pure of heart and shows up to mass once a week, or even three out of four times a month,” Lombardi wrote in a statement distributed to all dioceses worldwide, noting that the Congregation for the Causes of Saints will promptly begin taking up the cases of any parishioner who arrives on time and stays for the whole thing. “We are also waiving the requirement that individuals be dead before attaining sainthood. As long as you take Communion and stick around for a few minutes after the service, you’re pretty much in. You can be patron saint of anything you want—good health, food, music, whatever—as long as you’re sitting in that pew.” Lombardi said that in addition to revising canonization procedures, the Vatican would now allow anyone who attends mass to put on the priest’s vestments at the end of the service and play the church’s organ if they want.
First-Time Carjacker Wasn’t Expecting A Stick Shift #~# FULLERTON, CA—Glancing in evident alarm at the automobile’s unfamiliar five-speed gear stick, first-time carjacker Julian Kearney sheepishly told reporters Tuesday that he was in no way expecting to steal a vehicle with a manual transmission. “Ah, Christ, a stick shift? You’ve gotta be kidding me,” said Kearney, silently cursing himself for forgetting to make sure the sedan had an automatic transmission with a straightforward setting marked “Drive” before bludgeoning its owner, forcibly heaving her from the driver’s seat, and climbing in. “Okay, I can figure this out. I’ll just press down the clutch, ease it on forward, and—oh, God, that doesn’t sound good at all. How the hell does anyone do this?” At press time, Kearney was reportedly engaged in a 14-mile-per-hour lurching pursuit with local police.
Report: Burying, Cremating Baby Boomers To Generate $200 Trillion In GDP #~# NEW YORK—Describing it as a burgeoning growth sector that will drive the American economy for decades to come, an encouraging new report out Thursday estimates that burying and cremating the baby boomer generation will add some $200 trillion to the nation’s gross domestic product over the next 30 years.
Microsoft Introducing Siri Competitor ‘Cortana’ #~# Video leaked online this week revealed that Microsoft is developing a competitor to voice-activated smartphone virtual assistants like Apple’s Siri and Google Now tentatively called Cortana, which will appear as an animated circle icon. What do you think?
Report: Mom’s Got Her Thing Tonight #~# BLOOMFIELD, MI—Noting that she had left earlier and would probably be gone for most of the evening, household sources confirmed Wednesday that local mother Diane Walsh has got her thing tonight.
Study Links Meat, Cheese To Early Death #~# According to a new study, people between the ages of 50 and 65 with diets high in animal protein like meat and cheese were 74 percent more likely to die prematurely than those getting their protein from plant-based sources like beans and nuts. What do you think?
Study Links Meat, Sugar Consumption To Early Death Among Those Who Choose To Be Happy In Life #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study published Wednesday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, researchers have discovered a strong correlation between regular meat and sugar consumption and premature death among those who choose to lead happy and fulfilling lives. “Our data indicate that people who eat large amounts of red meat and saccharides have, on average, markedly shorter and more satisfying life spans,” said the study’s lead author, Aubrey Schrader, adding that frequent ingestion of animal protein, chocolate, and sweetened snacks and beverages lowered the average age of onset of diabetes, heart disease, and cancer for those who take pleasure in their daily existence. “Evidence from our study suggests that diets rich in prime rib, pulled pork, strawberry cheesecake, flank steak, and Snickers bars were directly related to younger ages at death among men and women who embraced their life and made the absolute most of their time on earth. Moreover, these individuals appeared to exhibit a greater peace in dying, able to pass on without any regrets in their lives whatsoever.” The study also revealed that the loved ones of those who passed away prematurely and contented were typically far better suited to handle their grief due to their high levels of alcohol consumption.
12-Year-Old Couldn’t Begin To Guess Name Of Friend Whose House He Visits To Play Xbox #~# JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Despite having spent eight of the last 10 days in his classmate’s living room playing Xbox alongside him, local 12-year-old Michael Cutler admitted to reporters Wednesday that he couldn’t even venture a guess as to what the boy’s name is. “Jeez, I could describe what he looks like, but honestly I don’t know if I’ve ever caught his name. Sam? Aaron, maybe?” Cutler said, noting that based on casual observations, he could recall that the fellow sixth-grader’s Xbox Live account is batman672, he has a turtle, and he “completely flips his shit” when you accidentally shoot him in Call Of Duty. “It might be Justin. I know there’s a Justin there, I’m just not sure if it’s his house or he’s one of the other guys who also comes over to play Xbox after school. There are a few Erics in my grade, too, so there’s a decent chance it could be Eric, but that’s really a total shot in the dark.” Cutler added, however, that if asked, he could easily name each of the 21 games his friend owns as well as every variety of snack food in his pantry.
I’m A Man Who Knows What He Wants And Goes After Something More Realistic #~# I’m a man who’s always had lofty goals. And it’s my firm belief that you should constantly be envisioning a brighter future for yourself. But what separates me from the rest of the pack is that when I see something that I desire, I don’t hesitate for one second: I immediately lower my gaze and shoot for something much, much easier to achieve.
Peyton Manning Cleared To Play Next Season After Passing Verbal Neck Exam #~# DENVER—Erasing any lingering doubts that he will continue his record-breaking career, the Denver Broncos confirmed Wednesday that star quarterback Peyton Manning has been cleared to play next season after passing a detailed and thorough verbal neck examination. “We were very pleased with Peyton’s ability to answer all questions about the flexion, extension, and rotation of his neck muscles,” said team physician Dr. Grant Kisele, adding that when testing whether Manning had full range of motion, the 37-year-old quickly passed the assessment with an emphatic “yup.” “Peyton’s neck is strong, stable, and shows no signs of damage or muscular atrophy from this past season, and his 2011 spinal fusion has had no ill effects on his arm strength—he said so very clearly.” Team sources also confirmed that Manning is contractually obligated to pass a similar physical over the phone every year for the duration of his contract.
American Airlines Drops Bereavement Fares #~# American Airlines has announced that as a result of its merger with US Airways, it will end its policy of offering low-cost bereavement fares to customers flying across country due to a death in the family. What do you think?
Pope Francis Drops F-Bomb During Vatican Blessing #~# While delivering his weekly blessing on Sunday, Pope Francis accidentally pronounced the Italian word caso, meaning “example,” as cazzo, a word commonly translated as “fuck.” What do you think?
John Kerry Sits In Shadows Of Kiev Café Awaiting Woman Known Only As Dasha #~# KIEV, UKRAINE—Following his overnight arrival in Ukraine amid the escalating regional tensions over the the Crimean peninsula, sources confirmed seeing U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry wearing a trench coat and cloaked in shadows at the back of a seedy, smoke-filled Kiev café Tuesday while reportedly awaiting a woman known to him only as Dasha. “All I know is that my contact goes by the name Dasha, and from the dossier I was given, she’s extremely beautiful, deadly, and not keen on making my life easy,” the United States’ top diplomat was reportedly overheard saying between drags of a pencil-thin cigarette held between his pursed lips. “The one thing I do know is there isn’t a chance in hell this secretary of state leaves Kiev without first making nice with Dasha. No, one way or another I need Dasha, and not just because she’s a mysteriously alluring beauty who’s been known to seduce her share of foreign ministers. I mustn’t underestimate her cunning and intelligence either—let’s just say this is a woman who knows a thing or two, particularly about the socioeconomic realities of eastern Europe and the political divisions among the ethnic populations in the region.” At press time, Kerry had reportedly detected the unmistakable scent of rosewood and nightshade, Dasha’s signature perfume.
Understanding The Crisis In Ukraine #~# Tensions are running high between Ukraine and Russia following the ouster of Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych and the invasion of Ukraine’s Crimean peninsula by Russian forces. Here is a primer to help understand the complex developments currently taking place in a region of the world that many Americans are unfamiliar with:
15 Years In Environment Of Constant Fear Somehow Fails To Rehabilitate Prisoner #~# WOODBOURNE, NY—Reportedly left dumbfounded by the news that recent parolee Terry Raney had been reincarcerated on charges of assault and battery, officials at Woodbourne Correctional Facility struggled Tuesday to make sense of how the prisoner had not been rehabilitated by 15 years of constant threats, physical abuse, and periodic isolation. “It just doesn’t seem possible that an inmate could live for a decade and a half in a completely dehumanizing environment in which violent felons were constantly on the verge of attacking or even killing him and not emerge an emotionally stable, productive member of society,” said chief warden Albert Gunderson, who noted that, as hard as it was to believe, Raney’s recidivism proved that his criminal impulses had not in fact been corrected by the sense of grave distrust he felt toward every other person in the facility, including both fellow inmates and prison authorities, every day since 1999. “We surrounded him with a combustible mix of rival gangs and made sure that he was consumed by a round-the-clock sense of terror that the slightest misstep on his part could result in a sharpened piece of scrap metal being shoved into his neck, and yet he still leaves this facility with the same criminal thoughts and violent mindset as before? I’m truly at a loss for how this could have happened.” Gunderson then noted his additional confusion at how the man’s criminal record and the social stigma of his prison sentence had somehow failed to land him a steady job immediately upon his release.
New Theme Park To Feature Model Of Noah’s Ark #~# Creation Museum president Ken Ham has announced that thanks to a surge in donations after his debate with Bill Nye, his Christian ministry has raised enough money to begin building a $73 million theme park called Ark Encounter featuring a 150-foot-long model of Noah’s Ark. What do you think?
Ukrainian-Russian Tensions Dividing U.S. Citizens Along Ignorant, Apathetic Lines #~# WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Monday by the Pew Research Center, the escalating conflict between Russia and Ukraine has left Americans sharply and bitterly divided along ignorant and apathetic lines, with the nation’s citizenry evenly split between grossly misinformed and wholly indifferent factions.
Highlights Of Last Night’s Oscars #~# The 86th Academy Awards were held last night at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles. Here are the most memorable moments from Hollywood’s biggest night:
Military Recruiter Doesn’t Have To Dig Too Far Into Bag Of Tricks To Land This One #~# LANSING, MI—Noting that the 18-year-old was “pretty much on board” once he saw boots and fatigues, Army recruiter Mark Delacourt confirmed Monday that he didn’t have to reach too deep into his bag of tricks to snag this one. “I barely even got one sentence out about defending American values and serving with honor before he said, ‘Okay, let’s do this,’” said Delacourt, adding that he had a whole song and dance ready to go about “challenging yourself to see what you’re really made of” that went entirely unused. “As it turned out, just hearing the word ‘combat’ and looking at a pamphlet with an armored Humvee on the front was apparently good enough to reel this guy in. I didn’t even have to touch my whole stockpile of talking points about going to college on the G.I. Bill or acquiring vital job skills, and frankly, it probably would’ve gone in one ear and out the other anyway.” Delacourt added that because the interaction was over so quickly, he could save his free “Go Army” hat for the next one.
‘12 Years A Slave’ Wins Best Picture At Oscars #~# Beating out eight other films including American Hustle and Gravity, the historical drama 12 Years A Slave took home Best Picture at the 86th Academy Awards last night, the first time in history the honor has been given to a film with a black director. What do you think?
Francis Ford Coppola Reveals Every ‘Godfather’ Film Took Place In Same Narrative World #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying that he always intended for the films’ events to fit into a single linear timeline, director Francis Ford Coppola revealed in an interview this week that The Godfather, The Godfather Part II, and The Godfather Part III all took place within the same narrative universe.
Report: Good Thing World Has Unlimited Quantity Of Oil #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report published Monday by the Department of Energy, given current consumption habits and the dramatic projected increases in demand from developing countries, it is extremely fortunate that the planet has an inexhaustible supply of crude oil. “Oil is the lifeblood of the world’s economies and global transportation networks, so the fact that our reserves are limitless, even in the face of exponential population growth, is exceptionally fortuitous in terms of maintaining our way of life and increasing our standard of living indefinitely,” the report read in part, while also noting how favorable it is that the world’s oil is spread evenly across the globe, thus eliminating any competition among nations who might otherwise squabble or even skirmish over the valuable yet thankfully infinite natural resource. “Skyrocketing prices, geopolitical crises, and costly, arduous transitions to potentially unviable alternative fuels are luckily issues that neither we nor any subsequent generations will ever have to experience thanks to the bottomless supplies of fossil fuels that exist beneath our feet.” The report also marveled at how fortunate it is that such an abundant energy source is so safe and easy to extract, transport, and burn that we need not give such practices a second thought whatsoever.
Mother Encourages Andy Dalton To Keep Career Options Open #~# CINCINNATI—Stressing that the 26-year-old still has “plenty of time to figure everything out,” Tina Dalton, mother of Bengals starting quarterback Andy Dalton, reportedly encouraged her son Monday to keep his career options open for the next few years. “At your age, it’s important to just keep trying new things to see what you like and don’t like,” Dalton told her son, adding that while it’s “really great” that he enjoys his current job, the third-year quarterback should avoid becoming stuck in a career that ultimately may not be the right fit for him. “You’re only in your mid-20s, so just keep an open mind toward any opportunities that might come along, especially ones that actually offer a long-term future. Remember that your cousin Ethan worked in business for five years before going to law school, and now he couldn’t be happier.” Sources also confirmed that Dalton advised her son not to become too attached to Cincinnati, saying that no one would ever want to settle down and live there for more than a few years.
Obese Americans Get Less Than 4 Hours Of Exercise Per Year #~# According to a new study from researchers at the University of Alabama, the average obese American gets fewer than 4 hours of “vigorous exercise” per year, with obese men averaging 3.6 hours of vigorous exercise per year and obese women getting about an hour. What do you think?
Academy To Give Runners-Up Detailed Progress Reports Outlining Where Stars Can Improve #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide personalized feedback so that all Oscar nominees can strengthen their performance habits and ensure future awards success, members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed this week that they will issue in-depth progress reports to each of this year’s runners-up. “Every nominee who does not win in his or her category can expect to sit down with Academy president Cheryl Boone Isaacs for a 20-minute one-on-one to go over a three- to four-page summary of their specific dramatic strengths as well as some areas that require improvement,” said AMPAS public relations representative Rob Friedman, who added that the Academy would take all facets of an actor’s performance into consideration when compiling the assessments, including effort, range, and dialogue delivery, each of which would be evaluated on a standardized five-point scale. “Detailed, constructive evaluations are key to helping nominees develop the skills they need to thrive during the competitive awards season, and we hope that this new service will help take some of the guesswork out of what is expected of them and equip them to succeed going forward.” To help reinforce the reports’ recommendations, Friedman said that each runner-up would be required to write up a brief summary of their acting goals for the upcoming year and develop an actionable plan to achieve those goals.
Oscars Attendees Cower In Awe As Disembodied, All-Knowing Voice Proclaims Information About Nominees #~# LOS ANGELES—Frozen in dread and astonishment as its sonorous pronouncements filled the Dolby Theatre auditorium Sunday evening, attendees of the 86th Academy Awards reportedly cowered in stunned awe as a disembodied, all-knowing voice proclaimed a range of information on the ceremony’s nominees. “Cate Blanchett is nominated for Best Actress for her role in Blue Jasmine,” the all-mighty, all-seeing incorporeal voice declared before thousands of dumbfounded onlookers, having previously expounded on such matters as the names of the show’s presenters, the awards that will be handed out after commercial breaks in the telecast, and Christian Bale’s filmography. “She previously has been nominated for an Academy Award four times, including a win for Best Supporting Actress in 2004 for her role in The Aviator.” At press time, the resounding, omniscient voice of no known earthly origin was sending terrified shudders through the crowd by welcoming to the stage Grammy Award–winning recording artist and two-time Oscar nominee Bette Midler.
Months Of Painstaking Practice Critiquing Celebrity Fashion Comes Down To This For Area Woman #~# RIO RANCHO, NM—Leaning in anxiously toward her television Sunday as the 86th Academy Awards pre-show coverage began, 36-year-old Rachel Kohls told reporters that her past 12 months of rigorous and painstaking practice critiquing celebrity fashion has all come down to this night. “Everything I’ve done over the past year—the countless hours spent poring over fashion blogs and scrutinizing celebrity gossip magazines—it’s all been in preparation for this moment,” said Kohls, who, after delivering a solid criticism of Sandra Bullock’s color-block Prabal Gurung dress at this year’s Golden Globes, admitted she was going into tonight’s awards show with confidence in her ability to mete out discerning praise or condemnation of the style choices of Hollywood’s elite. “There is so much to take into account for a proper assessment: the gown’s designer, its cut, whether the fabric and color are flattering, hair, makeup, accessories, whether or not the actress is taking a risk or departing from her signature style. It’s tremendous pressure, but after putting in so much time training, I think I’m ready for whatever dazzling ensembles or cringe-worthy fashion disasters come down that red carpet.” After taking a deep breath and telling reporters “it’s showtime,” Kohls was overheard inquiring whether the first actress to arrive at the Dolby Theatre realized this was the goddamn Oscars and not her junior prom.
Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher Return For New ‘Star Wars’ Film #~# After concealing the cast from fans, director J.J. Abrams finally announced this week that Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Carrie Fisher will be returning for the new Star Wars film in their roles as Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and Princess Leia. What do you think?
The Arguments For And Against Capital Punishment #~# Here are the leading arguments for and against the death penalty:
Dad Knows Guy At Work Whose Son Plays Triple-A #~# CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Noting that the topic has been brought up at dinner several times this week, household sources confirmed Tuesday that local father Adam Pitzer works with a guy whose son plays Triple-A baseball. “Yeah, apparently he played Division I at LSU or something and then got drafted by the Orioles, and now he’s one of the best pitching prospects in their farm system,” said Pitzer’s 15-year-old son Trent, noting that his father emailed him the player’s stats page on the Norfolk Tides’ official website with the subject line, “This is Mark’s son!!!” “I think he was invited to spring training this year, but then got sent back to the minors. My dad kept saying he could pull some strings with Mark so we could meet his son the next time he’s in town and get his autograph or whatever.” At press time, Pitzer reportedly once again reminded his children that he could get tickets for local minor league outfit the Cedar Rapids Kernels whenever they wanted to go to a game.
Unemployed Man Vows To Wake Up Early, Finish Watching Movie #~# SANTA FE, NM—Claiming that he was simply too exhausted to give the film the attention it deserved at such a late hour, local unemployed man Colin Yarbrough, 25, reportedly vowed Tuesday night to wake up bright and early the next morning and finish watching his movie. “I know I need to get this done, but I can hardly keep my eyes open anymore,” the out-of-work man told reporters, noting that a good night’s sleep would give him the necessary energy to properly view the remaining 45 minutes of the 2006 drama The Prestige. “Really, I think the best thing for me to do is turn in for the night and then make sure I’m awake at 8 a.m. sharp so I can fire up my laptop and get this one in the books. No excuses.” Yarbrough added that if he could knock out the rest of his movie early enough, there would hopefully be sufficient time to tend to the day’s other duties, including pacing around his living room, taking a midday nap, and rewatching The Prestige.
Thousands Of College Football Players Expected To Play Through Season With Broken NCAA System #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Asserting that the tenacious athletes are prepared to tough it out just as they have in recent years, officials confirmed Wednesday that thousands of collegiate football players are expected to play through the upcoming season with a badly broken NCAA system. “Though these guys are struggling to perform with a system that is barely functional at this point, it’s a testament to their resiliency and heart that they’ll be suiting up for us this year,” NCAA president Mark Emmert told reporters, emphasizing that the players are prepared to give it their all despite telltale symptoms of a fractured athletic association further compounded by a totally unstable compensation structure. “Given the severity of the situation, a lot of people don’t think these guys should even be taking the field in the first place, but I’m confident that they’ll be able to play through it. Obviously at some point we’re going to have to just go in there and completely rebuild it. The good news, at least, is that the damage can’t possibly get any worse.” Emmert added that in the event that playing with a broken NCAA system leads to any career-ending injuries, the athletes are easily replaceable.
New Census Report Reveals U.S. Has Over 316 Million Nobodies #~# WASHINGTON—Drawing on data gathered during the most recent decennial survey of the American populace, the U.S. Census Bureau announced Wednesday that the country is composed of more than 316 million complete nothings who do not matter in the least.
Carlos Santana Surprises Wife With Coupon For Free 45-Minute Guitar Solo #~# LAS VEGAS—In a spontaneous romantic gesture by the 10-time Grammy Award winner, guitarist Carlos Santana presented his wife, Cindy Blackman, with a handmade coupon redeemable for a complimentary 45-minute guitar solo Wednesday, sources confirmed. “There’s no expiration date—this one’s good anytime, babe,” Santana said of the signed certificate bordered with hand-drawn hearts and musical notes, which is said to grant the bearer “One (1) solo, either electric or acoustic, of no less than 45 minutes.” “No matter what time of day, no matter what I’m doing, just hand over the coupon and I’ll give you a solo you won’t forget.” Sources reported that Blackman then thanked her husband for the gift before adding it to the nightstand drawer where she keeps all the previous Santana-solo coupons she has received.
Fox Announces ‘Grease’ Live TV Musical For 2015 #~# Fox has announced that the network is planning to air a live version of the hit 1978 musical Grease in 2015. What do you think?
‘E.T.’ Video Game Cartridges Unearthed In New Mexico Landfill #~# A documentary film crew digging in a New Mexico landfill discovered hundreds of discarded cartridges of the 1983 Atari game E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, which the company allegedly dumped in an unknown location when the game proved a commercial failure. What do you think?
Takeout Bag Feels Light #~# OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light.
Man On Date Ready For Question About Siblings This Time #~# DURHAM, NC—Noting he had been caught off-guard by the question on first dates in the past, area 32-year-old Logan Firks told reporters Monday he is confident he will be ready to answer this time if the woman he is meeting for dinner asks about his siblings. “The last date I went on was going pretty well for a while, but then she just asked me point-blank if I had any brothers and sisters and I totally froze up—I didn’t know what to do,” said Firks, adding that while he had anticipated conversations about his career, background, and personal interests, he stuttered and “drew a total blank” when it came to saying anything specific in regard to his siblings. “The night was pretty much all downhill from there. This time, though, I’m gonna nail it: I have a younger sister, Sarah, who goes to law school at Duke. I have an older brother, Darren, who’s a pharmaceutical sales rep in Phoenix with a wife and two kids.” At press time, Firks had ruined the date by overeagerly blurting out the information about his siblings in a brisk and heavily rehearsed manner.
Cower, Puny Earthlings, For I Am Your New Project Leader #~# Attention, puny earthlings! Abandon your petty tasks at once, turn your gaze upon me, and tremble! From this day forth you are subjects of a new ruler, one more powerful than your limited minds could possibly imagine. All shall obey my commands, for I am Dennis Hazlett, your new project leader, here to define quarterly goals and provide effective leadership with the aim of meeting or exceeding growth projections.
Teens Getting High Off Lip Balm In New ‘Beezin’ Trend #~# At least one local news station is reporting that teenagers are engaging in a new trend called “beezin,” which apparently involves applying Burt’s Bees lip balm to the eyelids to experience a tingling sensation from the peppermint oil. What do you think?
Americans Once Again Inspired As Kerri Strug Limps To Liquor Store #~# TUCSON, AZ—Kerri Strug, the former gymnast who memorably hobbled her way to Olympic gold in 1996, once again reportedly inspired the nation Sunday as she resiliently limped to the Four Star Liquor store, fighting back tears as she purchased $17.37 worth of alcohol, cigarettes, and scratch-off lottery tickets. “Soft pack of Pall Mall 100’s,” said Strug, who appeared to be in obvious pain and favoring her left leg as she overcame the odds and made it to the counter. “U.S. Olympian discount?” At press time, a crying Strug was triumphantly clutching her Goldschläger while being carried the final few blocks back to her apartment by a disheveled and intoxicated Béla Károlyi.
It’s Impossible To Say Whose Voice That Was, But He Made Some Compelling Points #~# By now, I’m sure you have heard a tape recently leaked to TMZ and Deadspin, or read a transcript of the recorded conversation, in which an unknown man condemns his girlfriend for associating with black people. It is, in fact, the top story in the news as we speak. However, at this early juncture, we must keep in mind that the the recording of this anonymous individual remains unauthenticated. But while it is as yet impossible to say who that voice actually belongs to, I have to admit that the person in question certainly made some compelling points.
Feds Bust Massive Child Pornography Corporation #~# WHITE PLAINS, NY—After years of gathering evidence and building a case against what has come to be regarded as one of the world’s largest and most successful smut distribution networks, federal agents busted a massive child pornography corporation Monday morning, numerous sources confirmed.
What The Average Teen Spends On Prom #~# The cost of going to prom is predicted to be nearly $1,000 this year, with teens and their families spending enormous amounts of money on formal wear, limousines, post-dance parties, and more. Here’s a breakdown of what the average teen spends on prom:
George Clooney Engaged #~# People magazine is reporting that after a string of high-profile relationships, 52-year-old actor George Clooney has popped the question to his girlfriend of less than a year, British-Lebanese human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin. What do you think?
Gym Teacher Still Remembers Names Of Every Former Pantywaist #~# MADISON, WI—Saying he could still picture every one of their sissy faces like it was yesterday, longtime high school gym teacher Arthur Toborg told reporters Monday he is able to recall the names of every former pantywaist he had in class. “I bet if I went through year by year, I could tell you the name of every last little nancy I’ve taught who couldn’t do a single pull-up if their life depended on it,” said the P.E. instructor of 31 years, adding that each cream puff who was incapable of making an open lay-up or who winced and shrank away from catching pop flies during the softball unit was memorable in his own way. “Even now, I can still see that little buttercup Timothy Wilmore doing push-ups on his knees. Good kid, that little wimp.” Toborg went on to say that he could also recall every piece of grade-A jailbait he had ever ogled on the volleyball court.
Bill And Melinda Scoggins Foundation Pledges $58 For Charity #~# GALENA, IL—Continuing in its philanthropic mission to promote educational and humanitarian causes throughout the entire northwest Illinois region, the Bill and Melinda Scoggins Foundation announced Monday a landmark $58 pledge to help fund the local 4-H organization. “Having already achieved a very comfortable living from my successful pool supply business, Melinda and I are now focused on giving back to the community, and the Galena 4-H’s goal of youth development was a cause that spoke to both of us,” said foundation president Bill Scoggins, whose generous gift follows last year’s contribution of $45 to the local Knights of Columbus and the previous year’s donation of a box of winter clothes and old books to the Salvation Army. “Melinda and I are so blessed to have everything we need: a nice split-level house, enough money to visit the [Wisconsin] Dells every year. What’s the point of sitting on your fortune when some of it can be used to help those in need?” According to sources, in addition to their charitable giving, the couple recently became part-sponsors of the East Dubuque Little-Cubs.
Mom Packs Encouraging Note In Own Lunch #~# GREENSBURG, IN—In an effort to brighten her afternoon and get herself through the tough first day of another week, area mother and account manager Anna Claremont, 43, reportedly tucked an affectionate, handwritten note into her own lunch bag Monday morning. “Hope you’re having a relaxing day so far,” read the loving note, which sources confirmed was nestled next to an apple, a small container of hummus, a bag of baby carrots, and several squares of dark chocolate she included as a “special little treat just for you.” “Good luck on your presentation—Just be yourself and I just know you’ll do great!” Reports also confirmed that Claremont got a kick out of the reverse side of the note, which contained her own amusing drawing of her cat.
Florida School To Stop Giving Kids Mountain Dew Before Tests #~# Amid concerns that the practice doesn’t comply with state law, Creel Elementary School in Florida has ceased giving students small cups of Mountain Dew before the Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test, which were intended as a motivational treat. What do you think?
The Pros And Cons Of Gun Control #~# While anti-violence activists continue to push for stricter gun laws including an all-out ban on assault weapons, gun advocates have dug in their heels, arguing that banning firearms and concealed carry violates people’s rights. Here are arguments for and against gun control:
Ronald McDonald Gets Millennial Makeover #~# McDonald’s officials announced this week that they are redesigning longtime mascot Ronald McDonald with a new outfit and will begin mentioning him on Twitter using the hashtag #ronaldmcdonald, though he does not yet have an account of his own. What do you think?
Grown Man Refers To Map At Beginning Of Novel To Find Out Where Ruined Castle Of Arnoth Is Located #~# CHICAGO—Unable to picture where in the Grand Realm the destroyed fortress was in relation to the dreaded desert of Quiltar, a fully grown adult man referred to the map on the opening pages of the fantasy novel The Tower Of Astalon Friday to determine the location of the ruined castle of Arnoth, accounts confirmed. “Oh, so it’s just east of the Shrouded Moors,” sources overheard the 36-year-old man, who reportedly has a college degree and holds down an office job, mutter to himself as he carefully studied the book’s illustrated map, conferring between the detailed legend and inset of the former Perrigoth stronghold that was razed by the Rynn-Thak Horde. “I didn’t realize it was so close to the Outlands and the Calbram Gate. I wonder if that’s considered Tsylar territory?” At press time, the father of two could be seen poring over the book’s comprehensive family tree depicting the lineage of the quarreling Azalak and Sarridian clans, confirming the relationship between the dark conjurer Landon and Lady Erroweigh.
Top Theoretical Physicists, R&B Singers Meet To Debate Meaning Of Forever #~# GENEVA—Drawing leading luminaries from the two fields, an international conference held this week at the University of Geneva brought together hundreds of esteemed theoretical physicists and rhythm-and-blues artists to present their research into the nature of forever.
Local Dumbfuck On Jumbotron Waits Until Last Damn Second To Wave #~# HOUSTON—Frustrating all those in attendance at Thursday night’s game between the Oakland Athletics and the Houston Astros, a local dumbfuck shown on the stadium’s Jumbotron decided to wait until the last goddamn second before waving to the camera, sources confirmed today.
Poll Finds Only 83% Of New Yorkers Visit Statue Of Liberty Every Day #~# NEW YORK—According to the results of a Gallup poll released Friday, only 83 percent of New York City’s population—or barely 7 million residents—visit and tour the Statue of Liberty daily. “We were surprised to find that nearly one in five New Yorkers do not set aside several hours each day to ride a ferry to Liberty Island, snap pictures around and within Lady Liberty, and listen to lectures by park rangers on the statue’s history and cultural significance,” said Gallup demographer Lindsay Abraham, adding that although the majority of New York citizens wake up before work to visit the Statue of Liberty’s crown each weekday morning, most only take in the view for a maximum of 40 minutes before leaving. “Perhaps most interestingly, residents of the New York metropolitan area tend to spend a mere five hours every week watching Statue of Liberty–related documentaries in the island’s information center and museum. It may be for this reason that the purchase of gift shop items such as Statue of Liberty–themed T-shirts, snow globes, and novelty hats accounts for a mere $4,800 annually out of the average New Yorker’s pocket.” Abraham added that researchers were further shocked to discover that barely three-fourths of New York residents could recite from memory the entire Emma Lazarus poem “The New Colossus” mounted inside the statue’s pedestal.
Mattel Announces Barbie Movie #~# Toymaker Mattel announced that it has teamed up with Sony Studios to produce a live-action Barbie movie, a comedy that will reportedly follow the character as she takes on many of the dozens of roles the doll has adopted over the years. What do you think?
FDA Bans E-Cigarettes For Minors #~# With the growth of the $2 billion e-cigarette industry that currently has little to no federal oversight, the FDA has voted to impose new regulations, which include limiting the sale of e-cigarettes to minors. What do you think?
World’s Luminaries Crowd Around ‘Time’ 100 List Posted On Editor’s Door #~# NEW YORK—Their hearts pounding, the world’s leading figures in politics, entertainment, business, and technology reportedly crowded around a sheet of paper tacked to Time managing editor Nancy Gibbs’ office door Thursday, in hopes of seeing their names on the magazine’s 100 Most Influential People list. “Oh my God, I made it!” shrieked Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen before sharing a tearful celebratory hug with actor Matthew McConaughey and Iranian president Hassan Rouhani, both of whom had also made the cut. “I just knew that if I gave it my all and kept the federal funds rate near zero, good things would happen. I’m still shaking!” At press time, an inconsolable Katie Couric was standing off to the side and talking to her mother on the phone.
Disney CEO Figures They’ve Built Up Enough Goodwill To Do A Real Sexist One #~# BURBANK, CA—Citing a groundswell of praise for such stereotype-bucking princess films as Frozen, Brave, and Tangled, Walt Disney Company CEO Bob Iger said Thursday his company has probably accumulated enough goodwill to make its next animated feature a real sexist one.
Man Has Story For Every Stain On Pants #~# DAYTON, OH—Able to call to mind a unique anecdote for each grease smudge, errant pen mark, and splash of barbecue sauce, local man Thomas Newcomb, 31, has a story for every single stain on his pants, sources confirmed Thursday. “That brown one right there near the inseam is from Ribfest back in ’08; man, that was an unbelievable weekend,” Newcomb told reporters while gesturing toward his spotted and discolored pair of blue jeans, which include reminders of an array of cherished memories that include a streak of engine oil from when he patched up the carburetor on his first motorcycle, a mustard splotch from the hot dog he dropped when he caught a foul ball at a Cincinnati Reds game, and several white-looking drops from when he accidentally dumped some bleach into his laundry the day before a job interview. “And then there’s this bit of blood from when I tripped and fell on the way back from Paddy’s Pub the last night of college; God, I was pretty drunk the night I got that one. And these red wine specks are from June 8, 2009—how could I forget? That’s from the party where I first met Chelsea.” When asked about a series of light grass stains on his left pant leg, Newcomb reportedly grew suddenly pensive and, after an extended pause, claimed that “[he didn’t] want to talk about that right now.”
Small Business Still Manages To Mistreat Workers Like Large Corporate Chain #~# MARFA, TX—Employees at Gillman’s Hardware confirmed Monday that despite the company’s small size, single location, and the fact that it has been family owned and operated for over 35 years, it still manages to treat its staff as if they worked at a faceless multinational chain. “Sure, there are only 15 or so employees here, but our supervisors really make us feel like we’re completely valueless and replaceable,” said sales associate Alex Waverly, 27, citing touches like a lack of health benefits, the expectation that he stay late stacking bags of mulch without collecting overtime, and the prohibition against sitting on the sample deck chairs or anywhere else at any point during his six-hour shifts. “It’s a local hardware store; you don’t expect cold, corporate practices like getting patted down whenever you leave for lunch to ensure you haven’t shoplifted, or not earning a single cent above minimum wage, but somehow they’re able to foster that kind of environment.” Waverly added that it was also nice to see the store sticking to its philosophy by holding onto every last dollar earned, rather than investing any of it back into the community.
Music Playing In Bar Could Stand To Be Louder, Worse #~# WORTHINGTON, MA—While struggling to be heard over the deafening roar of nu-metal and late-’90s rap-rock, patrons announced Wednesday night that the music at Liston’s Bar and Grill could probably stand to be just a bit louder and a touch worse. “Don’t get me wrong, the music here is being blasted at a very high volume and is also really, really awful, but as bad as it is, it’s still possible they could dig a little deeper into the catalog of Papa Roach or Staind and find something more terrible,” 34-year-old bargoer Kyle McCutcheon shouted as he plugged one ear and cocked the other forward while conversing with reporters. “And even though it’s playing very loud, they could probably turn it up even more, preferably until we’re all forced to just sit around and stare at each other waiting for the few brief seconds between songs when we can actually exchange a few audible words.” When asked if there was anything else about the bar he would change, McCutcheon said that, if he was being honest, the bartender could be a tad more of a world-class dick.
Chris Paul Encourages Local Youths To Stay Out Of Foul Trouble #~# LOS ANGELES—Telling them that a first-quarter illegal use of hands is something that will stick with them for the rest of their game, Los Angeles Clippers point guard Chris Paul reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon encouraging an assembly of students at Waterloo Elementary School to stay out of foul trouble. “I used to get in foul trouble a lot as a kid, and I don’t want to see that happen to you guys,” said the seven-time All-Star, adding that the fourth- and fifth-graders need to consider the consequences before attempting to take a charge when they already have three fouls on the books or senselessly risking a reach-in while trying to steal the ball. “You need to play with discipline on defense, and try not to hang around places like the low block. Most importantly, don’t ever be afraid to sub out. There’s no shame in asking for a sub.” According to sources, Paul also told the children to call a timeout and speak to their coach if a full-court press is ever making them feel trapped.
Robinson Cano Didn’t Realize Mariners Expected Him To Run Their Social Media Too #~# SEATTLE—Twenty-one games into the $240 million contract he signed with the team in December, Seattle Mariners’ second baseman Robinson Cano admitted to reporters Thursday that he did not initially realize the organization also expected him to manage their social media operation as well. “Pretty much since the day I got here they’ve had me running their Twitter account, which they’re really trying to get up to 200,000 followers,” said the five-time All-Star who now also oversees the team’s Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram profiles, adding that he spends most of his time in the dugout developing content for the Mariners’ brand-new Snapchat account. “It’s a ton of work ensuring that your scheduled posts are spaced out properly, and there’s always some cross-promotional thing I have to juggle, too. Plus, I’ve got to do all this while being in constant communication with the website, analytics, and marketing teams, which can be really annoying on road trips.” At press time, Cano was reportedly sitting out of batting practice in order to promote next Monday’s “Family Night” on the Mariners’ Google+ page.
Marc Summers Realizes Police Will Immediately Look For Body In Giant Pile Of Mashed Potatoes #~# PHILADELPHIA—In the midst of his frantic attempt to conceal a corpse early Wednesday morning, a panicked Marc Summers came to the realization that police officers would immediately think to look for the mangled body in the huge pile of mashed potatoes, sources confirmed. “Oh God, as soon as the cops check the hot fudge sundae slide, of course they’re going to start digging through the giant mound of mashed potatoes,” the frenzied former Double Dare host reportedly muttered to himself following an attempt to stuff the remains of a local woman into a kiddie pool heaped with hundreds of pounds of instant mashed potatoes and 20 gallons of gravy, after the woman suffered a fatal head injury while attempting to run in the oversized hamster wheel mounted in his living room. “Maybe I could submerge the body in this vat of pudding? Or stash her in between the foam slices of bread in this giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich? But there’s just so much blood—there’s no way I have enough pink gak to cover all that up. Jesus, I’ve got to get out of here.” At press time, Summers was desperately attempting to locate his passport in the nostril of an immense, slime-filled plastic nose before hastily boarding a bus to fabulous Universal Studios Orlando.
U.S. Middle Class No Longer Richest In World #~# An analysis by the New York Times revealed that the United States no longer has the richest middle class in the world and is now second behind Canada. What do you think?
‘Goonies’ Sequel In The Works #~# Reports are surfacing that a sequel is in store for The Goonies, the 1985 film about a group of kids hunting for treasure to save their homes from foreclosure, a possibility that has delighted fans who hope to see the film return with original cast remembers like Josh Brolin and Corey Feldman. What do you think?
Neighborhood Kids Grant Landmark Status To House Where Guy Killed Himself #~# LINCOLN, NE—Granting it the same distinction as the playground where a third-grader stepped on a huge needle and the community swimming pool where someone dove in and broke his neck, neighborhood sources confirmed Wednesday that the grade-schoolers residing in the Acorn Hills subdivision had awarded landmark status to the house on Birch Street where a guy killed himself. “He blew his head off right there on the second floor,” said 11-year-old Alex Novak, pointing toward a window of the newly designated civic monument before a crowd of peers, who had gathered outside the residence to listen to knowledgeable sources offer prepared remarks about the site and its local significance. “I heard that they couldn’t get all the brains off the walls, so they had to repaint the whole thing. The guy owed a lot of money to the mob or something.” At press time, several members of the afternoon visitor group had rung the doorbell of the newly christened landmark and torn off.
Activists Release Horrifying Video Showing How Meat Products Are Eaten #~# WASHINGTON—Forcing the grisly and rarely acknowledged practices into the public eye, a group of activists posted several disturbing videos online this week that expose how most meat products are eaten, sources confirmed.
Perverted Little Boy Asks To Sleep With Parents #~# ENID, OK—Reportedly seeking to indulge his twisted desires for the third time in as many nights, perverted 6-year-old Kyle Rogers entered his parents’ bedroom Tuesday night and directly asked if he could sleep with both of them, household sources reported. “Kyle’s a real freak—he’ll just sneak up to his parents’ bed wearing nothing but his pajamas while they’re sound asleep, and then just flat-out beg to spend the entire night under the covers with them,” said the boy’s uncle Carl Rogers, adding that the deviant kindergartener also insists that his parents assume his favorite positions on either side of him. “The thing is, if his parents aren’t into it, he’ll immediately start pleading and bargaining to try to find any way he can to satisfy his depraved cravings. And this is really fucked up: Sometimes he’ll even request that the family dog, Oscar, get into the mix and sleep with all of them. It’s sick. Just sick.” Rogers confirmed that this is not the only debauched predilection his nephew has exhibited, adding that the child frequently forces his parents into a humiliating sadistic ritual in which they must kiss small wounds on his body before bandaging them.
NFL GMs Frantically Studying Bleacher Report Slideshow On Top College Prospects #~# NEW YORK—With the 2014 NFL Draft less than a month away, sources confirmed Tuesday that GMs from across the league are closely studying a Bleacher Report slideshow titled “Ranking The Top 100 NFL Draft Prospects” before making their final decisions. “Dammit, we had [University of Michigan offensive tackle Taylor] Lewan going top 10, but we must have missed something at the combine, because he’s ranked 17th on here,” said Baltimore Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome, frantically rearranging the team’s draft board while paging through the slideshow. “See this? [Vanderbilt wide receiver] Jordan Matthews ‘can get open and just seems to find the ball’—forget everybody else, we have to take this guy first round. Christ, why the hell weren’t we able to find out this info from our scouting reports?” At press time, Newsome had decided to scrap the team’s potential selections entirely after coming across a new mock draft posted on FanSided.com.
How To Live Gluten-Free #~# With the rise in celiac disease and widespread availability of gluten-free products, many Americans are cutting gluten from their diets in an effort to improve their overall health. Here is The Onion’s guide to avoiding wheat, barley, rye, and other glutinous foods:
Report: U.S. Still Leads World With Highest Density Of Kevins #~# WASHINGTON—A report released Wednesday by the United Nations revealed that the U.S. continues to lead the world with the highest per capita density of Kevins of any nation. “Ranked against the rest of the international community, the United States is far and away the global leader in Kevins, with upwards of 27 Kevins per square mile in most major American urban centers,” said lead researcher Gilbert Dujarric, who added that when factoring in the nation’s Kevs, the density figure nearly doubles. “There are certainly areas of Australia, the U.K., and Canada where the concentration of Kevins is high, but they all fall well short of the United States’ Kevin population across all demographics. And when we look at the benchmark Kevin-to-John ratio, no country comes even remotely close to the staggering .205 figure the U.S. posted in 2013.” The report’s authors noted with surprise, however, that the United States had surpassed Denmark and risen to second place in Jürgen density.
Nintendo Game Boy Turns 25 #~# This week marks the 25th anniversary of the release of the Nintendo Game Boy in Japan. What do you think?
NASA Asks For Selfies To Celebrate Earth Day #~# As part of today’s Earth Day celebrations, NASA has asked people across the world to take a “selfie” in nature and post it on social media under the hashtag #globalselfie, which will then be used to create a mosaic of earth. What do you think?
Like It Or Not, We All Die, Then Get Dug Up And Molested #~# For most people, death is an uncomfortable subject that they’d prefer not to dwell on, but the end of our time on this earth is an inevitability we all must accept. It’s important to face death head-on so that we can come to terms not just with our eventual passing, but also with what happens after we take our final breath. Because whether we like it or not, every single one of us is someday going to die, get dug up, and then be forcefully molested.
Autopsy Determines Total Loser’s Corpse Contained No Traces Of Drugs, Alcohol #~# SEATTLE—Suggesting that the victim’s death was likely the most interesting thing that had ever happened to him, Seattle city coroner Philip Grossman told reporters Wednesday that the 38-year-old local loser he was autopsying had nothing remotely cool in his bloodstream at the time of his passing. “Upon initially examining the body, we at first suspected the deceased might have flamed out with a little glory, but according to the toxicology report his system contained no evidence of hard drugs, prescription pills, booze, or even caffeine, for crying out loud,” said Grossman, surmising that the grade-A lame-o never had a day of fun in his life given how untarnished and intact his liver and lungs were. “Yesterday, we had this awesome dude with lethal levels of tequila, painkillers, and coke in him all at the same time; that guy could party. Definitely wasn’t a giant puss like the present victim.” Grossman added that the closest the deceased got to being cool was his failure to wear his seatbelt.
Obama Spends Another Night Searching Behind White House Paintings For Safes #~# WASHINGTON—Quietly tiptoeing between the East Room and the Lincoln Bedroom in the dead of night Monday, President Obama once again spent another evening peeking behind the scores of paintings located throughout the White House in hopes of locating a hidden safe or secret passageway, executive branch sources confirmed. “There are so many fancy old paintings in here, one of them just has to be hiding a safe with some cool old valuables in it,” Obama stated while pushing Francis Alexander’s oil portrait of Martin Van Buren to the side in the library before yanking on a first-edition copy of Ulysses S. Grant’s Personal Memoirs in hopes of triggering the bookcase to rotate. “Who knows what kind of stuff I might find? Maybe a bar of gold or a neat old parchment map, or maybe even a skull! There’s got to be something like that in here.” Following an hour of trying combinations of keys on President Truman’s grand piano in hopes of opening a sliding wall panel, Obama reportedly tugged downward on each of the White House’s hundreds of wall sconces before moving on to its presidential busts.
Casinos Getting People To Play Longer By Telling Them Rest Of Civilization Destroyed #~# LAS VEGAS—Calling the practice a proven method for keeping players engaged, several Nevada casinos confirmed this week they often tell patrons that the rest of civilization has been obliterated in a worldwide catastrophic event and that the gambling facilities contain the last vestiges of humanity left on earth. “Whenever our security cameras spot someone empty their last cup of quarters or walk away from a gaming table, we send an employee over to inform them that society as we know it no longer exists and that the world beyond our lobby is an uninhabitable wasteland,” Luxor general manager Paul Milton said, adding that they typically soften the blow by offering customers a complimentary drink or free tickets to see Criss Angel. “It’s surprising how quickly most people will return to the casino floor once they’ve been told that everyone they’ve ever cared about has been vaporized in an inescapable cataclysm and that our walls are their only shield against deadly radiation. In fact, for the slots players, you can barely get two words out about humankind’s downfall before they’ve turned around and started hurrying back to the machines.” For less compliant patrons, Milton added that the casino will typically throw in a free night in its hotel while they decide if they want to stay and gamble or venture out and take their chances with The Horde.
Visit Home Referred To As Vacation By Parents #~# PINE BLUFF, AR—Telling their son he should take it easy because he deserves it, the parents of 26-year-old Austin, TX resident Jason Gibney referred to the time he spent visiting his family in Arkansas over the Easter weekend as a vacation, household sources confirmed Tuesday. “It must feel nice to escape from work and just kick back for a while, huh?” mother Linda Gibney said of the four days her son reportedly spent in a house where the local CBS affiliate was left on at high volumes the entire day and he slept on a twin mattress in a bedroom that doubles as a storage space, escaping only when he could borrow his parents’ car. “We’re so glad you decided to spend your vacation here. This is your little getaway, so just enjoy yourself and don’t worry about anything. We want to make sure you relax.” According to reports, halfway through his so-called vacation, Jason accompanied his father, Larry Gibney, on a trip to the hardware store.
Study: Home Rotisseries Only American Technological Field Still Advancing #~# PASADENA, CA—Citing such cutting-edge advancements as integrated timers with automatic shut-off features, adjustable rotation speeds, and exterior handles that remain cool to the touch throughout cooking, a report released Tuesday by researchers at Caltech confirmed that home rotisserie technology is the only industry in the United States that continues to progress. “After extensive analysis of the nation’s manufacturing and high-tech sectors, we were able to conclude that American innovation is now exclusively limited to the development of countertop rotisserie appliances capable of slow-roasting as many as three full chickens or up to a 15-pound turkey in the convenience of one’s own kitchen,” said the study’s lead author Sara Pane, alleging that recent increases in U.S. GDP could be attributed almost entirely to the continued proliferation of fully dishwasher-safe rotisserie parts. “While American ingenuity has remained robust when it comes to producing restaurant-quality meat at home that browns evenly and retains its natural juices, we unfortunately can’t say the same about the nation’s mining, computer hardware, or motor vehicle industries.” Pane went on to warn, however, that ongoing advances in home rotisserie technology would be rendered largely irrelevant if the nation’s dipping sauce sector was unable to keep pace.
The Case For And Against Circumcision #~# Every day, new parents across the country are confronted with the question of whether to circumcise their infant sons. Here are the strongest arguments for and against circumcision:
‘Polar Vortex’ To Be Replaced By ‘Pollen Vortex’ #~# Allergists are warning that because this winter’s harsh “polar vortex” has delayed spring temperatures, many plants will release pollen simultaneously when warm weather finally breaks, creating a “pollen vortex” that could severely affect those with allergies. What do you think?
Government Approves Sale Of Powdered Alcohol #~# The U.S. Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau has approved a new product nicknamed “Palcohol,” a powdered alcohol that can be added to water to create mixed drinks or ingested by eating or snorting. What do you think?
Report: Average American Consuming 4 Ounces Of Cheese Right Now #~# COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Maryland School of Public Health, the average American is currently eating 4 oz. of cheese or actively preparing that quantity of cheese for insertion into their mouths. “Whether they’re chewing it or slicing it to be consumed in a matter of seconds, the typical American man or woman is, at this moment, ingesting a quarter pound of cheese,” said lead researcher Kenneth Hess, adding that the quantity of cheese being consumed nearly doubles when the cheese is in melted form. “Of course, some Americans are currently consuming zero ounces of cheese, but they’re offset by those working their way through a two-pound block of cheddar as we speak.” Hess added that the report corroborates ongoing research into Americans’ current consumption of gravy, fried batter, and Oreo crumbles.
Friend’s Threats To Come Visit Becoming Disturbingly More Genuine #~# SEATTLE—Unsettled by the increasingly earnest tone of his friend’s words, local man Ryan Lauden, 29, told reporters Monday that his former college roommate Chris Marcotte’s repeated threats to visit him have recently grown uncomfortably genuine. “I didn’t take him seriously when he first suggested coming out here and crashing at my place, but now he’s mentioning specific dates and I’m really concerned he might actually follow through,” said Lauden, who described his mounting alarm at Marcotte’s frequent texts and Facebook messages warning that he might visit for several days in July and demanding that Lauden “keep a couch open” for him. “This is horrifying. Now he wants to know what time I usually get off work on Thursdays. God, I think he might be trying to make it a four-day weekend.” At press time, Lauden was reportedly left paralyzed with fear after seeing an email from Marcotte with the subject heading, “Fwd: E-Ticket Confirmation.”
Camden Yards Concessions To Stop Selling Crack After Seventh Inning #~# BALTIMORE—In an effort to improve spectator safety, Oriole Park at Camden Yards personnel announced Monday that the ballpark’s concession stands will henceforth stop selling crack cocaine at the conclusion of the seventh inning. “By cutting off crack sales toward the end of the game, we feel we can enhance the overall baseball experience for all of our guests, including those who want to burn a little rock,” director of ballpark operations Kevin Cummings told reporters, adding that the stadium will be leaving in place its longstanding regulations prohibiting ticket holders from purchasing more than two vials of the cocaine freebase at once, as well as instructing concession stand workers and bleacher vendors not to sell to anyone who looks like they’ve already had too much to smoke. “We want our visitors to exercise moderation while they’re smoking crack and cheering on our Baltimore Orioles, and we feel this new rule will make that possible. From now on, fans who have been hitting the pipe all afternoon can take a bit of a breather to come down and stop tweaking out long enough to stagger home safely. That’s what Orioles baseball is all about.” Cummings added that the stadium’s concession workers would continue to check IDs for everyone seeking to purchase crack, noting that—per Baltimore city regulations—sales of the drug are prohibited to anyone 14 years of age or younger.
The Cost Of The Average ER Visit #~# The average cost of visiting the emergency room is currently $1,233, or 40 percent more than what most Americans pay for rent, leading many to criticize the high cost of emergency care. Here’s a breakdown of charges the average American incurs when visiting the ER:
Employee’s Meteoric Rise Through Company A Testament To Staff Turnover #~# SAN DIEGO—Admiring his rapid advancement from a junior sales position to a management role in an unprecedented six months, sources at Forge Media said Monday that coworker Mark Pisciotto’s meteoric rise through the company is a true testament to its high turnover rate.
White Male Privilege Squandered On Job At Best Buy #~# HAMILTON, OH—Despite being the beneficiary of numerous societal advantages and having faced little to no major adversity throughout his life, local man Travis Benton has spent the last four years squandering his white male privilege on a sales floor job at Best Buy, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You can get by with a regular HDMI cable, but if you’re looking at a length longer than 10 feet, I’d go with a gold-tipped one,” said the man dressed in a bright blue polo shirt and pin-on name tag as he continued to fritter away such innate life advantages as greater access to higher education, leniency from the justice system, and favorable treatment from other white males who lead and make hiring decisions at a disproportionately high number of American companies. “The AudioQuest gold-tip is actually the cable I use in my own home entertainment center and it provides excellent audio and video clarity, plus it comes with a full five-year warranty, unlike the 90-day warranty of a bargain brand. For your money, you’re not going to find a better cable.” At press time, the man born into the world’s most affluent and privileged socioeconomic group was spending his 15-minute break silently consuming a sleeve of Donettes purchased out of a vending machine.
Colorado Legalizes Medicinal Fireworks #~# DENVER—Establishing Colorado as a pioneer in recognizing the therapeutic benefits of explosions, a new law passed Tuesday will allow state residents with a doctor’s prescription to acquire small quantities of medicinal fireworks. “Studies have shown that many patients suffering from chronic pain, glaucoma, or debilitating terminal conditions have responded positively to fireworks, with most showing visible improvements in mood and well-being through repeated use; so my question is, why shouldn’t they be able to obtain small amounts of pyrotechnics safely and legally?” said Sen. Andy Kerr, who authored the legislation that provides Coloradans in need with up to 20 ounces of bottle rockets, flying spinners, aerial shells, or loose flash powder each month. “For many people going through intensive chemotherapy or suffering from frequent seizures, lighting up a Roman candle in the privacy of their own property or packing a mailbox full of M-80s and seeing it get blown sky-high has a strong beneficial effect on their overall wellness. Who are we to deny the most ailing among us the comfort that loud, colorful explosions can offer?” Kerr added that the tax revenue from the state’s network of regulated fireworks dispensaries would more than cover the cost of education and treatment for those who abuse fireworks recreationally.
Study: Casual Marijuana Use Can Still Cause Brain Abnormalities #~# Debunking the belief that casual pot smoking isn’t harmful, a recent study in The Journal of Neuroscience found that even smokers who light up once or twice a week have been shown to develop brain abnormalities. What do you think?
TSA Agent Can’t Bring Himself To Make Dad Take Off Comfy Shoes #~# NEWARK, NJ—Citing how exceptionally cozy and comfortable the footwear looked, Newark Liberty International Airport TSA agent Roger Goodman told reporters he “didn’t have it in [him]” to make local dad Jim Pearsall remove his shoes at the Terminal B security checkpointThursday. “You should’ve seen these shoes—thick, cushioning soles, soft lining, snug but not too tight. It would have been a travesty to make a man accustomed to that level of luxurious comfort walk on the cold, hard floor in just his socks,” said Goodman, adding that he was not worried about any potential security threat because no terrorist hijacking a plane would risk losing a pair of shoes that nice. “Man, those shoes…let’s just say a TSA agent only sees shoes that comfy once in his career, twice if he’s lucky.”At press time, Goodman was seen placing a passenger on the No Fly List upon seeing his ratty old pair of sneakers.
Chelsea Clinton Expecting First Child #~# Chelsea Clinton announced on Thursday that she's expecting her first child with husband Marc Mezvinsky later this fall. What do you think?
Man Attempting To Determine Whether Restaurant Closed Without Getting Too Close #~# BALTIMORE—As he squinted and craned his neck in an effort to peer through the establishment’s front windows from the sidewalk across the street, local man Shane Peterson confided to reporters Friday that he was attempting to ascertain whether the cafe and bakery was actually closed without having to get too close. “I think I can see a waitresses walking around, but they could just be cleaning before they lock up for the day—it’s hard to tell,” said the man who was actively avoiding getting any closer than 40 feet from the eatery’s entrance, while noting that though all of the lights remained on, he wasn’t sure if they just left them on all the time, and adding that the last thing he wanted was to walk all the way to the front door just to pull on the handle and find it locked. “Right now, it’s about 2:45, but I don’t know if they normally stay open to 2 or 3 or what. I guess they could have closed early. There’s a sign on the door with the hours, but I can’t see it from here. Maybe I’ll just wait to see if someone goes in.” At press time, a restaurant employee had apparently noticed Peterson, causing him to hastily avert his gaze and walk around the corner.
Alabama Quietly Strikes Bo Bice Day From State Calendar #~# MONTGOMERY, AL—Conceding that there was no longer a need to formally acknowledge the accomplishments of American Idol fourth season runner-up and Alabama native Bo Bice, state officials Friday quietly moved to strike Bo Bice Day from the official state calendar. “The State of Alabama has officially observed Bo Bice Day every May 24th since 2005, and after nine great years, we have decided to discontinue the holiday,” said Alabama Governor Robert J. Bentley, adding that he was still proud of how the vocalist from Huntsville represented the state on national television. “Bo is an exceptional talent, and we wish him the best of luck in his future endeavors.” Bentley went on to confirm that Taylor Hicks Day would continue as scheduled.
Jaguars Surprised By String Of Prospects Openly Discussing Prior Drug Use, Criminal Activity During Interviews #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that the players completely squandered the opportunity to be selected third overall in this year’s NFL Draft, bewildered officials from the Jacksonville Jaguars front office confirmed Friday that a large number of top prospects readily offered to discuss their prior drug use and criminal activity during interviews with the team. “It really only took one or two minutes before most players started openly talking about their troubled pasts and how they would never change,” said Jaguars head coach Gus Bradley, adding that almost every player freely admitted to associating with known gang members, frequently visiting prostitutes, and carrying unlicensed firearms at all times. “One guy told me that even though it’s not publicly known, he was arrested the night before, and another came right out and told me he was currently high. Plus, one of the corners we had at the top of our board immediately told us he’s planning on stabbing someone at a nightclub next week. This was a particularly forthright class.” Jaguars personnel told reporters this was the most eye-opening round of interviews since 2012, when Andrew Luck assured Jacksonville scouts that he would soon be indicted on rape charges.
Planning The Perfect Easter Egg Hunt #~# From the White House lawn to the family yard, children across the nation will soon join in the popular holiday tradition of hunting for Easter eggs. Here are some tips for planning the perfect Easter egg hunt:
Online Wizarding University Opens For Harry Potter Fans #~# Die-hard fans of the Harry Potter series have opened Hogwarts Is Here, a free online university open to “all aspiring witches and wizards” where students enroll in nine-week courses based on classes Harry takes in the books. What do you think?
Gas Station Clerk Glad To See Pump 2 Doing So Well Today #~# BOONEVILLE, MS—Surveying the eight gas pumps from his post behind the counter at the Walker Avenue Shell station, local clerk Marvin Peters told reporters he was especially pleased to see pump 2 performing so well among customers Thursday. “Pump 2 definitely gets short shrift because it’s not the easiest to pull into and doesn’t have a window wash station, so it’s always nice when 2 pulls in the numbers it really deserves,” said Peters, noting that he had been happy to see the trusty old fueling site “really take off” with several sedans and even a couple gas-guzzling vans a few hours into his morning shift. “You expect pump 4 or 8 to get this level of traffic, sure. And obviously nothing is ever going to measure up to pump 5—clearly 5 is the most popular pump, and that’s never going to change. But good ol’ 2? Well, it has a little something special. It’s nice to see an underdog get its due every once in a while.” After taking one more fond glimpse at the pump, Peters then reportedly shook his head and chuckled warmly to himself as he watched some naive young fellow hauling a boat attempt to snake his way into pump 6.
Fisher-Price Designer Would Like To See 2-Year-Old Try And Choke On Newest Version #~# EAST AURORA, NY—Remarking upon the toy’s lack of removable parts and childproof battery compartment, Fisher-Price designer Matthew Hayden told reporters Thursday that he’d like to see a 2-year-old just try and choke on the newest version of the Go Baby Go 1-2-3 Crawl-Along Snail. “I’m telling you, this thing is rock solid. A toddler is welcome to cram it in their mouth and give it their best shot, but there’s no damn way any piece is coming off,” said Hayden, noting that a child aged 6-24 months would have to have “a hell of a big mouth” to be able to swallow the toy’s sliding ladybug component. “Go ahead, leave a kid unattended with the Go Baby Go 1-2-3 Crawl-Along Snail for five minutes and see if anything happens. If a 2-year-old finds a way to lodge any part of this in his trachea, completely obstructing airflow and resulting in death, I’d be impressed. Hell, I’d give him a standing ovation.” Hayden, who confirmed that while there was “no fucking way” a 2-year-old could choke on any part of the Crawl-Along Snail, said he couldn’t speak to whether or not the toy’s paint contained any carcinogens.
‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ Sequel In The Works #~# The Hollywood Reporter announced that after a decade of delays and script rewrites, film studio Fox 2000 is making a sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire, the 1993 hit movie starring Robin Williams about a dad who cross-dresses as an elderly Scottish nanny. What do you think?   
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App #~# NEW YORK—Sources confirmed Thursday that millions nationwide are signing up for Squandr, a new social discovery app employing GPS technology to match users with others in their vicinity who also wasted $2.99 on the same software. “For me, it’s just a fun, no-risk way to meet new people and talk about how we all blew a few bucks on this app,” said Kelly Harmon, 27, who said she was pleasantly surprised to discover just how many people in her immediate area had the same frivolous spending habits she did. “You can be in a park or a coffee shop surrounded by strangers, but with this app, you can immediately start up a conversation about how money apparently has no meaning to you whatsoever. It’s pretty cool.” According to sources, many users are also opting to pay $4.99 for Squandr Premium, which offers the exact features of the original app for an additional two dollars.
Moviegoer Manages To Sneak Candy Past Teenage Usher Earning $7 An Hour #~# WESTBOROUGH, MA—Executing a plan he had carefully devised and practiced in his mind several times, local moviegoer Kevin Shepard managed to sneak his own candy past the teenage Regal Cinema usher earning $7 an hour Thursday, sources confirmed. “I made it. All I had to do was tuck the Crunch bar and gummy bears into my coat pocket, keep my left hand in there covering the candy, and not take it out until I sat down in the theater,” a visibly pleased Shepard said after eluding the 17-year-old boy who had gotten stoned 90 minutes earlier and who typically spends the majority of his shift texting with friends whom he often lets into the theater for free. “I decided not to bring in a soda bottle because it would’ve stuck out of my coat and risked drawing too much attention. Then I just acted totally natural by making a little bit of eye contact when I handed him my ticket. Worked like a charm.” As of press time, the 40-year-old man had slipped stealthily out the theater’s back door and was quickly hurrying to his car in hopes of safely escaping the vicinity before the usher discovered the pile of incriminating wrappers left under his seat.
Joe Dumars Resigns To Spend More Time Rebuilding Family #~# DETROIT—Following several years of lackluster performance and unmet expectations under his own roof, Detroit Pistons president of basketball operations Joe Dumars announced this week that he will be stepping down in order to spend more time rebuilding his family from the ground up. “While I have a lot of good memories with these people, I think the time has come for me to leave basketball so that I can focus on taking my family to the next level,” Dumars told reporters at a press conference, noting that the time had come to “shake up” his household, beginning with retooling his children’s roles and making an upgrade in the wife position. “Obviously, there are a lot of very talented units out there who are increasingly shedding their older members in favor of younger talent, which means that we need to get some new blood in here if we want to stay competitive. But once that happens, there’s no telling what these guys can do.” Though Dumars said that he holds fond memories of his time in the Motor City, the 50-year-old was not ruling out giving his newly revamped kin a fresh start in Seattle, a city he claimed was about due for a winning family.
Newly Discovered Cave Paintings Suggest Early Man Was Battling A Lot Of Inner Demons #~# CANTABRIA, SPAIN—An archaeological team from the University of Cambridge announced Wednesday the discovery of cave paintings in northern Spain that suggest prehistoric humans battled a variety of inner demons, nagging fears, and insecurities that plagued them as they struggled with life’s demands in the Paleolithic era.
Roman Centurion Crawling Out Of New York City Manhole In For One Wacky Adventure #~# NEW YORK—Standing mystified in a crowded intersection, Verus Attius Glabrio, a Roman centurion who emerged from a manhole in the middle of New York’s Time Square, is in for a wacky adventure, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Snacking May Help Minimize Spousal Conflict #~# In a new study, researchers found that having a quick snack to raise blood sugar made subjects less “hangry,” a combination of “hungry” and “angry,” which means snacking may help diminish disputes with one’s spouse. What do you think?
Creationism Vs. Evolution: The Arguments For Each Side #~# The question of whether life was intelligently designed or evolved over billions of years has been a major point of contention since Darwin’s On The Origin Of Species was first published in the mid-19th century. Here are the strongest arguments from each side of this ongoing and heated debate:
Google Glass Users Facing Verbal, Physical Attacks #~# Amid rising tensions in San Francisco between native residents and wealthy tech entrepreneurs gentrifying the city, more reports have surfaced of anti-tech protesters targeting Google Glass wearers with physical attacks and verbal assaults like “Glasshole.” What do you think?
Dad Announces Plan To Honk When He’s Out Front #~# BRUNSWICK, OH—Announcing his intentions to pick up his 13-year-old daughter at 6:30 sharp, local dad Phil Cobb clearly and concisely outlined his plan to honk when he’s out front, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Just be ready to go when I honk,” said Cobb, who confirmed that he wants to be back home and in the door by 7 p.m. and would not tolerate dawdling, while briefing his daughter in the family’s four-door sedan. “Are we clear? 6:30 on the dot. Have your shoes on. I don’t want to wait around like last time.” After pulling out of the driveway, Cobb reportedly proceeded to lower the windows, turn up the volume on the radio, and sing along to the Eagles’ hit song “Take It Easy.”
New Employee Still Eager Enough To Pick Up Slack For Coworkers #~# PEORIA, IL—Just over three weeks into his new position at local brokerage firm The Bentley Group, coworkers of junior analyst Ryan Cueva confirmed today that the 26-year-old is still enthusiastic enough about his job to consistently pick up the slack for his colleagues. “Ryan’s still in that phase where he’s excited about his responsibilities and will blindly offer to handle any task, project, or client the rest of us have no interest in,” said account manager Laura Bernin, noting that on three separate occasions in the past week, she asked Cueva if he had any interest in putting together a few tedious spreadsheets and earnings reports that she had been putting off, knowing that he would gladly assent. “He’s just so eager to pitch in at this point that all of us keep kicking the most annoying and unpleasant assignments down the line to him—and the thing is, he’s more than willing to stay past six to finish them up. I think I would almost feel kind of bad if I didn’t see how agreeable and upbeat he is about all of it.” Based on their own work histories, coworkers confirmed that Cueva will likely remain eager enough to pick up others’ slack for approximately six more weeks, at which point he will transition to simply going through the motions of his job for several more months before gradually beginning to pass off his duties to newer, more passionate employees for the next 30 to 40 years.
Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship #~# NEW YORK—Saying that he doesn’t like to let dust and clutter pile up for too long, area man Justin Buntz informed reporters Wednesday that he gives his one-bedroom apartment a thorough cleaning once every relationship. “I like to keep to a pretty regular cleaning schedule, so every time I start seeing a girl, I set aside a solid half hour to give the place a good once-over,” the 28-year-old graphic designer told reporters, noting that after emptying the refrigerator of expired food, wiping off the counters, and throwing his sheets into the laundry, he can then leave his apartment untouched for “however long things between us last.” “I swept the entire apartment when Kelly and I started dating in 2012. Then I touched it up again before Alison saw it last spring. Lately, though, I have to admit I’ve kind of fallen behind, so I’ve just been heading to Jessica’s place every night to avoid having to deal with it.” Buntz added that his shower curtain, however, only requires replacement once every six relationships.
Good Charlotte Recording 10 New Songs To Be Played At Low Volume In P.F. Chang’s #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying they were excited to take their pop-punk sound in new and barely audible directions, Maryland-based rock band Good Charlotte revealed Wednesday that the group is hard at work on an album that will be played at low volume in P.F. Chang’s restaurants nationwide. “After taking some time off from recording, we’re psyched to be back in the studio laying down 10 new tracks to serve as background noise while customers scan their menus and make light conversation over lettuce wraps with coworkers or visiting parents,” said frontman Joel Madden, noting that the band was aiming for a solid 40-minute album that P. F. Chang’s managers could play on repeat without anyone noticing. “When it’s finished, it’ll be the perfect soundtrack to blend in to the overall drone of clanging forks and chopsticks and the din of other tables’ conversations. We’ve already recorded a couple great songs that we’re excited for diners to not even consciously hear except for the roughly 50 seconds while they’re in the bathroom, where the sound system is a little more clear and audible.” Madden added that if the album is received well, he could definitely see the band softly playing in some larger eating venues in the future.
Community Theater Gives Part Of Blanche DuBois To Kathy Fucking Hamilton #~# PEEKSKILL, NY—In a surprising casting decision that has drawn criticism from numerous members of local community theater The Old Mill Players, sources confirmed Wednesday that the role of Blanche DuBois in the company’s upcoming production of Tennessee Williams’ A Streetcar Named Desire has been given to none other than Kathy fucking Hamilton.
Aldon Smith Quietly Relieved Terrorist Plot Wasn’t Totally Compromised #~# LOS ANGELES—Following his recent arrest at Los Angeles International Airport for making an alleged bomb threat, sources close to San Francisco 49ers linebacker Aldon Smith confirmed Tuesday that the 24-year-old is simply relieved his covert plot for an upcoming terrorist attack was not fully compromised. “It’s a minor setback, but we should be able to continue moving ahead once the dust settles,” Smith reportedly said while on a pay phone, stressing repeatedly that “they don’t know anything.” “Everything is fine—they thought the bomb thing was a joke. The operation is still set for May 16. Remember: 9 a.m. sharp.” At press time, Smith had reportedly left a small unmarked package in a locker at a downtown San Jose bus station and casually walked away.
Marijuana Vending Machine Unveiled In Colorado #~# A company called American Green has unveiled an automated, climate-controlled pot vending machine called the ZaZZZ, which dispenses medical marijuana only and uses ID fraud technology to verify users’ ages. What do you think?
KFC Selling Chicken Prom Corsages #~# Fast food chain KFC has announced that for a limited time during prom season, it will sell corsages made from fried chicken drumsticks on a bed of baby’s breath, which will sell for $20 and include a $5 KFC gift card. What do you think?
Doctor Recalls Average-Looking Sibling Who Inspired Him To Go Into Cosmetic Surgery #~# MINNETONKA, MN—Saying he had witnessed up close the daily hardships endured by a young person impaired by a bland, unremarkable appearance, local doctor Daniel Barrett told reporters Wednesday how growing up with an average-looking brother inspired him to become a cosmetic surgeon.
Group Of Fifth-Grade Boys Discover Pile Of Naked Ladies Discarded In Woods #~# FREEPORT, ME—Excitedly pushing past each other as they gathered around the slightly soggy pile, a group of overjoyed local fifth-graders came across several perfectly good naked ladies lying right in the woods behind the baseball field, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Whoa! Look at all of them—you can see everything!” said wide-eyed 11-year-old Joshua Goldstein as he knelt down to closely inspect each one of the fully nude young women lying in a haphazard heap on the ground, before turning his attention to a large-breasted one left draped over a log. “Sure, they’re a little dirty, and a couple of them look like they’re from the ’70s, but after we dry them off they’ll be perfect. They’re still in pretty good shape! Who would just leave them lying out here like this?” After concluding that their mothers might discover the nude women if they brought them home, the boys reportedly decided to tuck the naked ladies under some bushes and come back to look at them later.
Intramural Rugby Game Taking Up Field For Last 2 Fucking Hours #~# PITTSBURGH—Voicing stunned disbelief that the game has somehow lasted this long, exasperated sources at the University of Pittsburgh campus confirmed Tuesday that an intramural rugby match has been occupying Charles L. Cost Field for the last two fucking hours. “How the hell is this thing still going on? They’ve been going back and forth out there since noon,” said 20-year-old onlooker Harrison Brier, who speculated that there must be some smaller version of the sport these assholes could play without hogging the entire field. “Oh, great, they’re switching sides again. How many fucking quarters or whatever can rugby possibly have? Jesus Christ.” At press time, several guys with a soccer ball were reportedly trotting onto the field while saying some shit about having it reserved.
FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States #~# WASHINGTON—Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly credible terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.
It’s Been A While Since Someone Wrote A Hit Song About Twistin’ #~# I was driving along with the radio on the other day, but I just couldn’t seem to find a song I could get into. I must’ve gone up and down the dial a thousand times, but it seemed like something—something absolutely crucial—was missing from every tune. Then it hit me: twistin’. Not one of the singers on the radio had mentioned it even once! And I just thought, man, it’s been a long time since someone wrote a great hit song about twistin’.
Everyone In Bustling Chinese Parade Attempting To Elude Pursuers #~# LOS ANGELES—Weaving through the crowd while occasionally pausing to hide behind gongs and elaborate bamboo fans, every single person involved in the Chinese parade currently winding down Broadway is attempting to avoid one or more pursuers, reports confirmed Tuesday. With 22 percent of participants disguised as acrobats or traditional robed warriors, 16 percent wearing large conical paddy hats to conceal their eyes, and a further 38 percent hidden inside dragon dance costumes, the chaotic procession has reportedly stymied hundreds of assassins, government agents, and private detectives elbowing their way past spectators and craning their necks in search of their targets. According to sources, the throngs of fleeing individuals would already have been killed for ransom money, wrongfully arrested, or forced to surrender a priceless stolen artifact if they had not opened a decorative silk parasol to obscure their face at exactly the right moment or thought to use a string of paper lanterns as a makeshift zip line. At press time, a sudden burst of confetti and firecracker explosions had reportedly provided the distraction the entire parade needed to scramble up some scaffolding and onto the rooftops.
Man Trying To Get Out Of Executioner Duty #~# AUGUSTA, GA—Saying that he is far too busy right now and can’t afford to miss any work, local financial compliance officer Bill Claremont told reporters that he is looking for any possible way to get out of executioner duty after receiving an official summons in the mail yesterday. “Oh man, this could not have come at a worse time for me. There’s no way I can do this,” said Claremont, adding that although he recognizes it’s his civic duty to put convicted murderers to death from time to time, his work and family lives have been hectic lately and he doesn’t want to have to drag himself all the way out to a state prison on a Wednesday at midnight, wait around for the prisoners’ visit with the chaplain and his final statement, and maybe even get delayed by a last-minute appeal. “I’m not trying to dodge responsibility; it’s just that if the governor grants a temporary stay it’ll drag on forever. And for a lousy $25 a day? Totally not worth it.” In spite of his resistance, several of Claremont’s coworkers assured him that carrying out a death sentence is usually very quick, saying in most cases you just jab the guy with pentobarbital and it’s over.
Report: Chances Of IRS Tax Audit Lowest Since The 1980s #~# According to a new report, budget cuts and overextended resources have significantly hampered the Internal Revenue Service’s ability to audit tax returns this year, giving Americans the lowest odds of getting audited since the 1980s. What do you think?
Man Appalled At Date Who Lied Slightly More Than Him On Online Dating Profile #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Frustrated by the exaggeration of her interest in the outdoors as well as her clear lack of knowledge of photography, classic movies, and several other of her listed hobbies, local 32-year-old Joshua Mulville expressed his dismay to reporters that the woman he met for dinner Saturday had lied a bit more than he had on her online dating profile. “She came off a lot different than she seemed online, so I was pretty disappointed,” said Mulville of the woman’s numerous misrepresentations about her personality and appearance that were slightly more egregious than his claims of possessing an easygoing nature, quick wit, and athletic build. “How can you say you love to travel if you’ve never even been out of the country? Plus, I’m sorry, there’s no way she reads The Economist.” Sources confirmed that Mulville’s date was equally aggravated upon discovering that he was exactly as she imagined based on his profile’s numerous Anchorman quotations.
Beef Prices Highest In 27 Years #~# The average price of American beef has skyrocketed due to drought and increased demand from abroad, which may prompt restaurants to limit beef offerings or downsize portions of food. What do you think?
Man With No Plans Just Too Exhausted To Go Out #~# NORFOLK, VA—Cracking open a beer and settling into his couch Saturday night, local man Martin Burfette, who had no previously scheduled plans for the evening nor invitations to attend a social gathering of any kind, confirmed that he was simply too exhausted to leave his apartment. “I’m pretty beat; think I’ll just kick back and stay in tonight,” said the socially bereft 32-year-old, who decided that, “after the week [he] had,” he would simply order takeout, watch Netflix, and fall asleep, a course of action that was essentially the only option available to him. “You know, I put in a lot of work over the past few days, so why shouldn’t I give myself a break and relax? I could really use a little me time.” Sources confirmed that Burfette leapt up instantaneously to grab his phone at the sound of an incoming text message.
Rival PGA Hooligans Clash During Final Round Of Masters #~# AUGUSTA, GA—Gathering in large groups and vociferously chanting expletive-filled songs in support of their favorite players, several groups of rival PGA hooligans violently clashed at the Augusta National Golf Club during the final round of the Masters Sunday, sources confirmed. “They’re here every tournament waving banners and inciting trouble all over the course, but this year’s fights were particularly bad,” Augusta chairman Billy Payne told reporters, noting that the roving bands of die-hard golf enthusiasts left a trail of mayhem that included throwing garbage cans through the Augusta pro shop windows, overturning several ball washers and setting them on fire, and leaving various unfilled divots throughout the course. “Early in the day on the fifth hole, a group of Stewart Cink supporters tangled with some of the McIlroy Boys in a nasty brawl that spilled out from the gallery onto the green. Then someone from the Furyk Crew chucked a lit flare at Vijay Singh’s caddy, and at that point we just had to suspend play and call in the paddy wagon.” According to officials, this year’s fights were the worst since a vicious melee at the 2009 Masters in which dozens of berserk, intoxicated hooligans swarmed and savagely beat a defenseless Phil Mickelson into a coma.
The Rising Cost Of Weddings #~# According to a survey of newlyweds across the country, the average cost of a wedding in the United States is now around $30,000, putting many couples in major debt to celebrate their big day. Here are some common costs that American couples incur at their weddings:
Parents Surprised Cruel Teen Daughter Hasn’t Pushed Classmate To Breaking Point Yet #~# RED BANK, NJ—Citing her relentless harassment of her peers, as well as her overall cruel and abrasive personality, the parents of local teen Lauren Hatcher expressed surprise Monday that the remorseless 15-year-old has yet to push a classmate past their breaking point. “Given our daughter’s apparent desire to make others feel inferior, combined with our reluctance to confront her on such behavior, we really figured she’d have driven one of these kids off the edge by now,” said Lauren’s father, Jim Hatcher, noting that the merciless teenager, who has on multiple occasions brought her mother to tears, is adept at spreading false rumors and exploiting other people’s insecurities. “She spends hours every day on Snapchat and other social apps—which we have no idea how to use or monitor—so we sort of assumed that by the middle of the school year or so, she would’ve written enough vicious, hate-filled messages to completely destroy at least one of her peers. But it’s April now and somehow we still haven’t gotten a call from the school principal saying she drove another kid to have a breakdown.” At press time, the parents of several of the teen’s classmates were marveling that their daughters were still hanging in there after the latest series of texts from the Hatcher girl.
Americans Opting For Small Dogs Over Babies #~# According to an analysis of data from the Department of Health, the decreasing number of Americans having babies corresponds to an increase in the number of small dogs they own, with young women birthing 400,000 fewer children at the same time that small dog ownership has doubled. What do you think?
Exit From Apartment Delayed 20 Seconds To Avoid Pleasantries With Neighbor #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Having already put on his jacket and slung his messenger bag over his shoulder, 30-year-old Marcus Albright reportedly paused mere moments before opening his apartment door to leave for work Friday morning, delaying his exit some 20 seconds to avoid exchanging pleasantries with his neighbor across the hall. “I was just about to walk out, but then I heard Jeff [Wilhelm]’s door open and I heard him step out, so I just decided to wait inside for a few moments until he locked his door and left,” said Albright, who reportedly stood quietly in his entryway holding his keys in his hand for nearly half a minute to prevent a congenial and passing dialogue with his neighbor. “I figured if I just hung out there until I heard him go down the stairs and then waited for the click of the front door to the building closing behind him then I should be good.” At press time, Albright reportedly made an abrupt detour into a nearby convenience store after noticing Wilhelm waiting at his bus stop.
Scholars: ‘Gospel Of Jesus’ Wife’ Authentic #~# Two years after the discovery of a papyrus that includes the phrase “Jesus said to them, ‘my wife,’” researchers have announced that the fragment is not a forgery and was likely written in the Middle Ages, though it does not necessarily prove Jesus had a wife. What do you think?
Woman Barely Jogging #~# PORTLAND, OR—Making negligible movements with her arms and legs as she sluggishly made her way along the sidewalk, a woman gradually progressing down Madison Street Friday was barely even jogging, sources confirmed. “She’s definitely moving forward and kind of pumping her arms some, so it sort of looks like jogging, but, boy, it’s a real stretch to call whatever that is ‘jogging,’” said eyewitness Curtis Stoeller, 29, adding that the woman, outfitted in a colorful lycra top and athletic pants, expensive running shoes, and an armband holding an iPod, appeared to be making some kind of shuffling motion with her feet, but wasn’t exerting nearly enough effort to approximate anything close to a jog, let alone a run. “It took her a long time to kind of lope past me on the sidewalk. If I just picked up my pace a little and walked briskly, I could catch up to her really fast. Jeez, is there even a word for what she’s doing?” At press time, the shambling woman was squirting what appeared to be a vitamin-fortified water into her mouth as she brought two fingers to her neck to check her pulse.
Last Living California Raisin Dies Of Prostate Cancer #~# BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Beebop, the percussionist and last surviving member of the 1980s R&B supergroup The California Raisins, died Thursday following a lengthy battle with prostate cancer, multiple sources confirmed this morning. “With a heavy heart, we announce that beloved recording artist Beebop passed away yesterday surrounded by friends and family, culminating a long and colorful career that spanned music, television, and film,” read a press statement from Rudy Bagaman, the group’s longtime manager. “From his rhythmic accompaniment and backing vocals on the Raisins’ hit ‘I Heard It Through The Grapevine,’ to his unforgettable work on numerous broadcast commercials and specials, Beebop’s legacy will endure for generations to come. Our thoughts are with his widow and children at this difficult time.” The California Raisins’ bassist, Stretch, died of liver disease in 2004, while fellow bandmates Red and A.C. famously perished in a Los Angeles nightclub fire in 1998.
Progressive Zoo Houses Animals In Natural Destroyed Habitat #~# REDDING, CA—Long considered among the nation’s premier zoos, northern California’s Redding Wildlife Park has continued to earn praise from visitors and industry observers alike for its progressive commitment to housing all of its animals in their natural destroyed habitats, sources reported this week.
Tour Becoming One-On-One Between Guide And Man Who Knew Name Of McKinley’s Assassin #~# COLUMBUS, OH—The 10:30 a.m. tour of the Ohio Statehouse quickly devolved into a one-on-one conversation between the group’s guide and one of the visitors Friday, sources reported, after the talkative tour member correctly responded to the question of who assassinated U.S. president William McKinley. “The first couple minutes of the tour were fine, but once we got to the McKinley memorial and our guide asked who shot President McKinley and where, that guy just jumped in with the answers and the two of them were off,” said fellow capitol visitor Tim Wolkoff, who added that the dynamic of the 12-person tour immediately shifted as the “McKinley guy” and the guide continued chatting with each other while they walked ahead of the rest of the group through the rotunda and General Assembly chamber. “Every time she made one of her prepared statements about the age of the building or named some famous politician who had worked there, the guy would always ask some super-specific follow-up questions. After he mentioned that he majored in U.S. history and had recently visited the Harriet Beecher Stowe House, they really got into it. By the end, she was pretty much just giving the tour directly to him.” Following the tour’s conclusion, Wolkoff decided not to go up and thank the guide, as she and the talkative visitor were still locked in a passionate exchange about someone or something named Salmon Chase.
NBA Announces Initiative To Reduce League’s Garbage Time By 50% #~# NEW YORK—Stressing that U.S. professional basketball remains woefully behind foreign leagues in maintaining close and exciting games, the NBA unveiled a new initiative Friday intended to reduce garbage time by 50 percent. “We’re hoping that by 2017 at least half of the closing minutes identified as a complete and total waste can be eliminated,” said NBA spokesperson Mark Broussard, who claimed that the effort will target the endings of blowouts that are rarely consumed by viewing audiences, which could ideally be repurposed into exciting back-and-forth finishes. “Teams are beginning to recognize that a 25-point win is unnecessary and excessive, and we’re optimistic that this program will encourage them to take only the points they actually need heading into the end of the fourth quarter. If they are able to trim these enormous leads, we expect this initiative to go a long way toward improving the game’s competitive environment and NBA sustainability.” Broussard added that league conservationists are also reevaluating the benefits and efficiency of fueling crowd noise with electrifying dunks.
Report Finds Steady Rise In Stay-At-Home Mothers #~# According to a new report by the Pew Institute, the number of stay-at-home mothers has risen significantly over the past decade, with more than 29 percent of mothers with children under 18 staying home in 2012. What do you think?
Shoe Scientists Unveil Advanced ‘Double Knot’ Technology #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—In a development poised to revolutionize the fastening of shoes, pioneering footwear scientists at the University of Florida unveiled Monday a highly advanced form of shoe-tying technology known as the double knot. “After rigorous eyelet analysis and adjusting for an array of footwear varieties, we clearly found that looping and tying off the laces a second time represents a groundbreaking and longer-lasting method of securing shoes than a mere single knot, which tends to loosen and can leave the shoelaces dragging and vulnerable,” said head researcher Peter Salpeas, who cautioned that tests still need to be conducted to determine the effects of stair-climbing, jumping, and jogging on the cutting-edge knot. “We believe this is an invaluable and life-changing technological breakthrough that should be applied en masse, and that’s why we’re launching a broad-based partnership with elementary schools to introduce citizens to this remarkable innovation at as early an age as possible. Within the next decade, we foresee double-knotting becoming standard practice among all shoe-wearers.” Shoe scientists have also postulated the existence of a hypothetical “triple knot,” though they warned such hyper-advanced technology would almost certainly result in wearers being rendered incapable of untying their laces, leaving their feet forever confined within their shoes.
Canadian Dentist Plans To Clone John Lennon #~# Canadian dentist Michael Zuk told reporters that he paid $33,000 for John Lennon’s tooth in an auction and is looking forward to the day when he can clone the late Beatles frontman and raise the child as his own, then sign him up for guitar lessons. What do you think?
Biologists Confirm God Evolved From Chimpanzee Deity #~# BERKELEY, CA—Challenging long-held views on the origins of divinity, biologists at the University of California, Berkeley, presented findings Thursday that confirm God, the Almighty Creator of the Universe, evolved from an ancient chimpanzee deity.
Area Man Mystified By Layout Of Adjacent Town’s Kroger #~# BELLEVUE, KY—Eyeing the shelves of products with visible puzzlement as he tentatively wandered up and down the grocery store’s aisles, Woodlawn resident Patrick Gatling admitted to being deeply mystified Thursday by the layout of the Kroger in the adjacent town of Bellevue. “I’m used to having the produce on the left side of the store, but when I walked in there was a whole bakery section right there, and the deli should be right after that but it’s all dairy products here,” said a perplexed Gatling, regularly glancing up at the signs hanging above each aisle as he continued a search for peanut butter that had exceeded eight minutes. “The Skippy should be right by the salad dressings in the third aisle, but they’ve got those next to all the pasta sauces. And why the hell is there a whole aisle for international foods?” After finding his desired items, sources reported that Gatling could be seen craning his neck around to locate the supermarket’s express checkout lanes before stopping to marvel at a tremendous stack of Coca-Cola 12-packs that he said was “unlike anything [he’d] ever seen before.”
The Lasting Impact Of Climate Change #~# A new report released by the U.N. illustrated the wide-ranging effects that rising temperatures will have on the environment unless restrictions are placed on greenhouse gas emissions. Here are some ways the environment will be affected by unchecked global warming:
Statue Of Liberty Corporation To Shut Down All But New York Flagship Statue #~# NEW YORK—Following years of declining profits and lackluster attendance at its locations throughout the United States, the Statue of Liberty Corp. announced Thursday that the company will be shuttering all but its flagship statue in New York City. “While the Statue of Liberty chain of historic statues has for years proudly welcomed visitors at sites across the country, we regrettably have no choice but to shut down all statues except for the one on Liberty Island, beginning next month with the Statues of Liberty in Boston, Dallas, and St. Cloud, Minnesota,” Statue of Liberty Corp. CEO Richard Aguilar told reporters, confirming rumors that the struggling company would be closing all but one of the 2,700 colossal torch-bearing monuments that have become a familiar sight in almost every American city. “In hindsight, the tremendous success of the first Statue of Liberty may have caused us to overextend beyond what the marketplace could bear. Now we need to do what’s right for the Statue of Liberty brand and our shareholders.” The downsizing of Statue of Liberty Corp. stands in stark contrast to the robust expansion enjoyed by Mount Rushmore Inc., which just last month unveiled new granite presidential monuments in New Orleans, Los Angeles, and Toronto.
Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio #~# CHICAGO—Steeling themselves against the occasional breeze and the cold of the wrought iron table and chairs against their skin, a group of determined restaurant-goers reportedly braved the slightly chilly temperature Thursday and dined on the outdoor patio of a local gastropub. “It’s pretty nice out,” said 29-year-old Erin LaVelle, who, despite occasionally shivering beneath her light jacket, was unflinching in her commitment to forego an indoor table and stick it out in the nippy 56-degree weather. “It’s so nice to eat outside. I love this time of year.” At press time, the strong-willed group of friends was courageously enduring a perilously brisk period during which a cloud was passing in front of the sun.
Baseball Fans Call For More Goofy-As-Shit Batting Stances #~# WASHINGTON—Citing past players like Jeff Bagwell and Kevin Youkilis as perfect examples, baseball fans across the country unanimously called for more goofy-as-shit batting stances in Major League Baseball, sources confirmed Thursday. “There used to be all these guys who would squat down like frogs or extend their arms vertically and wave the bat way above their head in little circles, and call me old-fashioned, but you don’t see enough batters these days where you just ask yourself, ‘Why the fuck is he standing like that?’” said 35-year-old Daniel Monroe, adding that, ideally, a far higher number of players would turn their shoulders toward the plate while keeping their front foot in the far corner of the batting box, only to bring it back in right before swinging. “Ichiro’s stance is definitely weird as shit, but most of the younger players out there just have a boring square or closed stance and hold the bat at a normal height. I want to see more batters standing at the plate looking like complete fucking idiots before they take a cut.” Reports also confirmed that a majority of Americans wouldn’t mind seeing more pitchers with inexplicable, insanely convoluted windups just like Tim Lincecum.
Child Shown Field Where Cubs Suck #~# CHICAGO—Visiting for the first time in his young life, 9-year-old Jacob Tendering was reportedly shown the field where his favorite team, the Chicago Cubs, suck every home game of the year, sources confirmed Wednesday. “That’s the place where all the shittiness happens,” said the child’s father, Lee Tendering, adding that the Cubs have been fucking up at Wrigley Field for almost 100 years. “Your grandpa used to take me here to watch the Cubs suck when I was a boy, and hopefully someday you’ll bring your son here to watch the Cubs suck.” At press time, Jacob’s father was fondly recalling how it was much cheaper to watch the Cubs suck back then.
CDC: Teens Losing Virginity Prior To Sex Ed #~# According to a new report by the CDC, more than 80 percent of teenagers don’t receive formal sex education by the time they have sex for the first time, leading many young teens to engage in risky birth control methods. What do you think?
Archie Comics To Kill Off Archie #~# Archie Comics publisher Jon Goldwater has announced that in the final two issues of Life With Archie, to be released in July, titular character Archie Andrews will be killed off while sacrificing his life to save a friend. What do you think?
Alcohol Unfairly Blamed For Local Man’s Impaired Judgment #~# MATTOON, IL—Soon after the 28-year-old leapt off the lid of a dumpster and sprained his ankle Tuesday night, friends of area man Jesse Willard unjustly placed the blame for his questionable behavior on alcohol, sources confirmed. “Man, that guy turns into such a moron when he gets a few beers in him,” said Sean Taggart, 29, unfairly accusing the chemical ethanol of being responsible for Willard's lack of foresight and poor decision-making, traits that are in fact fundamental features of his personality and are equally present when he's completely sober. “Jesse has a bit of an impulsive and destructive side that comes out as soon as he starts drinking. Every night out at the bar [or anywhere else] with him always ends like this.” Sources stated that friends have also falsely ascribed Willard’s sudden outbursts of rage, his boorish forwardness with women, and penchant for uttering racial epithets to alcohol, when in actuality he’s just an all-around ass.
U.S. Surgeon General Recommends Patching Things Up With Father-In-Law #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing the numerous benefits of letting bygones be bygones, acting Surgeon General Boris Lushniak announced at a press conference Wednesday his strong recommendation that U.S. citizens patch things up with their father-in-law.
Couple Keeps It Interesting By Bickering In Different Positions, Rooms #~# OVERLAND PARK, KS—Saying that spontaneity is key to spicing up a marriage, local couple Dale and Barbara Patterson told reporters Wednesday they’ve kept their relationship interesting over the years by bickering in a variety of different positions and even different rooms.
Fashion Industry Declares Hottest Spring Look Is Upbeat Attitude #~# NEW YORK—Calling the cheery new mindset the must-have accessory of the season, top designers from Dior, Versace, Chanel, and dozens of other premier fashion houses agreed this week that this spring’s hottest style trend is an upbeat attitude matched with effortless enthusiasm and a positive inner glow that radiates from within. “Right now, the fashion world’s most influential trendsetters are all sporting a bubbly demeanor that’s equal parts chirpy optimism and buoyant confidence—it’s a vivacious and good-natured temperament that can be seen on every runway from London to Paris to Milan,” said Vogue editor Anna Wintour, noting that the spunky, can-do positivity was already beginning to dominate billboards and magazine spreads, and that pleasant, worry-free countenances and beaming, self-assured smiles could be seen in every haute couture atelier, boutique fashion shop, and high-end designer store along Seventh Avenue. “Forget about shoes, forget about clothes, forget about makeup; the only thing you want to be seen with this season is a joyful, outgoing posture and a big toothy grin that says, ‘I’m fully content with who I am and I want to bring heartfelt warmth and joy to other people.’ I for one won’t go anywhere right now without a cheerful twinkle in my eye and a skip in my step. Nothing could be more ‘in.’” Though Wintour predicted that a sunny attitude would remain in style through the end of the spring season, she noted that she was already predicting a return to traditional masked insecurity and self-destructive narcissism for fall.
Elite Congressman Trained To Kill Legislation In 24 Different Ways #~# WASHINGTON—Quietly informing reporters of his surgical precision and finely honed skills, sources confirmed Wednesday that highly trained tactical lawmaker John Barrasso (R-WY) is capable of killing legislation in at least 24 different ways. “I’ve seen Sen. Barrasso gut an entire bill using only a ballpoint pen,” said a congressional staffer on condition of anonymity, who then described the emotionless efficiency characteristic of the hardened senator, adding that she once witnessed the cold-blooded 61-year-old deftly take out a bill conserving land in Colorado with just two parliamentary procedures. “He can swiftly put down an entire debate with a single, perfectly timed call for cloture, but he also knows how to operate with stealth. Sometimes he’ll secretly slip a poison pill amendment into a piece of legislation that’ll kill it instantly, and other times drafts are sent to his committee and you simply never hear from them again. Everyone knows what happened though.” At press time, the elite congressman was readying a loaded question as he patiently waited to ambush an unsuspecting judicial nominee.
NBA Viewers Ruled Out Until Playoffs #~# NEW YORK—Putting a noticeable damper on the final week of the regular season, sources confirmed Wednesday that NBA viewers have been officially ruled out until the playoffs. “Simply put, there’s no chance that NBA viewers will see any game time over the next week or so,” said ESPN reporter Chris Broussard, explaining that having virtually nothing at stake in the remaining games ultimately played a very significant part in the decision. “I’m not saying it’s impossible, but to even say they’ll be back by the first round of the playoffs is very, very optimistic. I doubt they’ll return before the finals, and even then, it’ll most likely just be for the deciding games.” Broussard added that the development comes as no surprise to those familiar with the situation, as most viewers had already missed the majority of the regular season.
Scottish Town Builds $8,000 Statue Of Stray Cat #~# The people of St. Andrews, Scotland raised $8,000 to build a bronze statue of a 14-year-old stray cat named McHamish, who has recently gained a cult following resulting in a children’s book and popular Facebook and Twitter pages. What do you think?
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush Watch NCAA Final Together #~# Former U.S. presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush sat together in a luxury box at last night’s NCAA Division I championship game, with Laura Bush telling reporters that the two have become buddies in recent years and avoid talking politics with each other. What do you think?
I Wish I Could Get Through To You With A Sports Analogy, Young Man #~# Son, I think it’s high time you and I sat down and touched base. As your father, it’s been difficult watching you drop the ball these past few months—your grades are down, you’ve been breaking curfew most weekends, and who knows what kinds of trouble you’re getting into with those new friends of yours. Your head just hasn’t been in the game, and sadly for me, I’ve had a ringside seat as you’ve repeatedly struck out. I’m in your corner, son, and I truly want to help you come out swinging and rally, but it seems like I can’t even get through to you with any of my sports analogies.
The Pros And Cons Of Vaccinating Children #~# The anti-vaccination movement has grown increasingly vocal in recent years, with a variety of organizations and public figures attempting to convince parents that immunizing their children presents more risks than benefits. Here are the cases for and against vaccinating children:
New Employee Finally Around Long Enough To Be Deemed Incompetent #~# ST. LOUIS—More than a month into his employment at Archmont Insurance, colleagues of account manager Martin Wallace told reporters Tuesday they can now definitively state that the 30-year-old’s constant errors and general carelessness on work projects is a product of sheer personal ineptitude and not a lack of experience. “At first I thought he was misfiling claims forms and botching PowerPoint slides because he was still learning the ropes around here, but at this point it seems pretty clear that he’s actually an imbecile who’s simply too dumb to understand what he’s doing at all,” colleague Diane Kendrick said after Wallace’s fifth straight week of incorrectly calculating insurance quotes, screwing up Excel spreadsheets, and showing up to meetings having read the wrong documents. “I suppose there’s a chance he’s just a really slow learner who’s still figuring out our company’s unique procedures and timetables, though that’s hard to believe because he really hasn’t improved at all since day one. The more likely explanation is that Martin’s just a huge idiot.” Kendrick stated that Wallace should not worry about losing his job anytime soon, however, as the company’s management is even less competent and observant than he is.
Woman In Kickboxing Class Can Tell She’s Going To Whine About How Sore She Is In The Morning #~# SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—While attending the first session of Women’s Kickboxing Boot Camp at a local fitness center Monday evening, area woman Laurie Woods told reporters she could already tell she’d be whining in the morning about how sore she is. “After this many cardio intervals, you can bet I’ll be complaining out loud to friends and acquaintances about my muscle stiffness as soon as I get up,” said the 32-year-old brand manager, adding that with all the power squats she’s doing, there’s no way she won’t be carrying on about her aching quads when she sits down at her desk tomorrow and throughout the remainder of the workday. “Thank God it was only a 30-minute intro session and not a full hour, otherwise I know I’d be audibly wincing from the pain every time I walked past one of my coworkers’ cubicles until they asked me what was wrong. Still, I can tell it’s going to be a pretty tough morning full of griping over how much it hurts to do almost anything.” Upon finishing her class and leaving the the gym, Woods said she could already feel specific complaints about her sore back and shoulders formulating in her mind.
Spider Invasion Leads To Mazda Recall #~# Japanese automaker Mazda announced this week that it’s recalling 52,000 cars that may have been invaded by the yellow sac spider, a species that’s attracted to gasoline and weaves webs inside gas tanks. What do you think?
Married Couple Only Staying Together For Sake Of U.S. Divorce Rate #~# SEATTLE—Admitting there are unresolvable differences in their relationship and that they might be more satisfied if they parted ways, local married couple Brett and Tara Ashlock told reporters Tuesday they were nonetheless “willing to stick it out” for the sake of the nation’s divorce statistics. “Sadly, Brett and I don’t have the same feelings for each other we once had, and while staying together obviously isn’t ideal for us individually, we both agree that the most important thing to take into account is what’s best for the U.S. rate of divorce,” said mother of three Tara Ashlock, 39, who added that American divorce figures are already going through a difficult period in which approximately 2.4 million marriages are legally dissolved every year. “When I think of the numbers, it almost seems selfish not to stay together, you know? Maybe that seems old-fashioned, but when you consider how there are now 53 divorces taking place in the United States for every 100 marriages, it just feels like the right thing to do.” Brett Ashlock, 40, concurred, adding that it’s only six years until the next census, and it “won’t be as big a deal” if he and his wife split up after that.
‘Captain America’ Smashes Box-Office Records #~# Disney’s 3D superhero film sequel Captain America: The Winter Soldier smashed box-office records for the month of April with a $96 million opening weekend. What do you think?
Man Begins Life In New City By Taking Last Ever Walk Around Neighborhood #~# CHICAGO—Peeking into the windows of local bakeries and coffee shops and making a mental note of all the area’s nearby businesses, new resident Tom Cohen settled into his surroundings Monday by going on his last ever walk around his neighborhood, sources confirmed. “I can’t wait to stop into that little bookstore down the street and grab a drink at the bar around the corner, plus it’s just a 10-minute walk to the lake, which I’ll definitely head back to when the weather’s warmer,” Cohen said upon returning from his final stroll through the area to begin unpacking his belongings and set up his new residence. “There are so many restaurants nearby that will be fun to check out, and there’s that nice park a few blocks up that has a farmer’s market where I can get fresh produce every week. I can definitely see myself having a great time around here.” At press time, Cohen had said a quick hello to his neighbor across the hall, marking the final word he will ever utter to another person in his apartment building.
Buster Olney Breaks In New Microphone By Tucking It Under Mattress For Night #~# BRISTOL, CT—Stressing that he has used the same method for years and is always pleased with the results, ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney confirmed Monday that he breaks in a new microphone by tucking it tightly beneath his mattress before going to sleep. “Everybody has their own way of loosening them up, but I like to just pop it under my bed, and after a few days it’s ready for the new season,” said the 50-year-old veteran baseball columnist, proudly displaying his freshly oiled Sennheiser SKM wireless mic. “My friend Tim [Kurkjian] wraps his in rubber bands and puts it in the oven, but I heard that could mess up the copper on the voice coil and end up ruining it. I just keep it simple—a few nights between the mattress and the box spring is all the mic needs. It feels perfect in my hand after that.” Olney also confirmed that prior to its first use, he applies a coat of polish to the microphone to “give it a nice shine before going out to the field.”
Physician Shoots Off A Few Adderall Prescriptions To Improve Yelp Rating #~# REDDING, CA—Noting that his practice’s rating on the business review website had dipped to just 3.5 stars, local primary care provider Dr. Frank Hawley reportedly dashed off several Adderall prescriptions Monday to give his Yelp average a needed boost. “I keep a pretty close eye on my reviews, and whenever I see my number fall below four stars I just write out a few extra Adderall or Dexedrine scripts and it’s back up in no time,” said Hawley, adding that he usually ups the dosage to 30 milligrams and makes sure to prescribe two refills to ensure he stays near the top of the local general practice rankings. “Patients are always happy when I sign that prescription slip and hand it to them—it’s pretty much a guaranteed five-star rating. In a business that survives by word of mouth, good reviews are absolutely essential.” In addition, Hawley confirmed he hasn’t advised a single patient to exercise regularly or maintain a healthy diet since 2011, saying he learned his lesson after receiving a devastating one-star review.
Immigrant Also Applying To A Few Reach Countries #~# LUANG PRABANG, LAOS—Noting that his consular officer said it couldn’t hurt to take a chance on a few long shots, prospective immigrant Soukan Chitmany told reporters Monday that, in addition to applying for permanent residence in a number of more accessible nations, he’s also submitting applications to a handful of reach countries. “I’m pretty sure I’m a lock for Chile, but I’d really love to get into one of the Scandinavians,” said Chitmany, adding that he could only hope that his clean criminal record, status as a skilled laborer, and lack of tuberculosis would be enough to impress the immigration departments of his various dream countries. “I’m going to try for Australia too, but I know they’ve got a really strong applicant pool. Both my cousins got into Germany, and my brother’s in his third year in Luxembourg, so I’m definitely feeling the pressure to live up to that. My friend got into the United States, but everyone knows it’s only because his uncle sponsored him.” Chitmany added that he also plans to apply to Singapore, which he said is a little less well-known but has a reputation as “the Japan of the South.”
Study: Morning Light Can Help You Lose Body Fat #~# According to a new study, people who regularly expose themselves to early morning sunlight by waking up early are more likely to have a lower body mass index. What do you think?
Cereal Box Characters Lure Children In With Their Eyes #~# According to new research, the cartoon “spokescharacters” on cereal boxes are purposefully drawn with their stares angled downward to make eye contact with young children, which researchers say raises the trust level between kids and the cartoons. What do you think?
Man Clearly Gamed ‘Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Are You?’ Quiz To Get Raphael #~# MANSFIELD, OH—Selecting responses that did not accurately reflect his personality and were instead intended solely to influence the test’s outcome, local man Paul Acevedo, 32, blatantly gamed an entertainment website’s “Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Are You?” quiz Friday in order to be equated to Raphael, multiple sources confirmed. “If you look at the answers he gave on every question, it’s so obvious Paul was gunning for Raphael the entire time,” said onlooker Isaac Nichols, who noted that Acevedo deliberately avoided the options “natural leader,” “deep thinker,” and “party animal” on the question “How would you describe yourself?” in favor of choosing “born rebel.” “The quiz asked him how he would react to a Foot Soldier attack, and he chose ‘with a sarcastic quip and a ninja chop right to the gut.’ He had to have been thinking Raphael for that. And then when it asked him for his favorite color, he went straight for ‘red.’ I mean, come on.” In further support of his theory, Nichols noted that he had observed a frustrated Acevedo take the test two other times earlier in the day.
NFL Increasingly Worried About Character Issues Of Fans #~# NEW YORK—Stressing that it reflects poorly on the league as a whole, NFL officials admitted Friday that they are increasingly concerned with the apparent character issues of most fans. “Frankly, the unruly and disrespectful behavior we’re currently seeing from many of our fans is deeply troubling,” said NFL spokesman Greg Aiello, noting that the significant number of off-the-field incidents—ranging from DUI arrests to instances of domestic violence and alleged gang activity—represents a disturbing trend among current NFL fans. “We of course understand that many of these fans have had difficult upbringings, and we’re willing to provide support and mentoring to help them avoid engaging in any sort of troublesome activity. However, every fan across the league must be held accountable for what they say and do, even insofar as the way they dress and present themselves in public. They need to understand that when they make poor decisions, it casts a negative light on the entire NFL.” A league representative speaking to reporters on condition of anonymity, however, said fans are “allowed to get away with anything” and claimed that the league could never afford to cut ties with them.
Top Of Mt. Everest Pulling Away Majority Of Hollywood Films With Generous Tax Credit Program #~# KHUMBU, NEPAL—On the strength of the location’s generous tax credits, cash rebates on production costs, and fee-free onsite filming, more than half of major Hollywood motion pictures are now being shot at the summit of Mount Everest, the weekly trade magazine Variety reported Friday. “Originally we’d planned to shoot our new Josh Duhamel rom-com in Toronto, but when we considered the financial package offered by [Everest’s] Advanced Base Camp, we realized we could film the whole thing there at 60 percent of the cost. Assuming the cast and crew survive the ascent up the Khumbu Icefall, how do you say no to that kind of deal?” said Sony Pictures executive Evan Green, who is currently producing a Joel Schumacher–directed courtroom drama, a superhero franchise sequel, a raunchy teen sex romp, and a film adaptation of the Broadway musical Nice Work If You Can Get It that are all slated to be filmed at the Hillary Step, a sheer four-story rock wall located 28,750 feet above sea level. “Sometimes a little script tinkering is needed to work in the fact that everyone’s wearing oxygen tanks and 50 pounds of climbing gear, but given the incredible savings it’s nothing you can’t smooth out in post.” Green added that the company hopes to begin shooting an Edwardian-era period drama at Camp IV on the southeast ridge as soon as the actors’ swollen limbs reduce to normal size and they stop coughing up blood.
Coco Crisp Shyly Asks Bob Melvin If A’s Are Poor #~# OAKLAND, CA—Upon realizing that opponents always seem to have better facilities, equipment, and players, team sources confirmed Friday that Oakland A’s outfielder Coco Crisp approached manager Bob Melvin and quietly asked whether their team was poor. “All the other guys have these nice big contracts, and we have to make do with practically nothing,” Crisp reportedly said while staring down at his feet, noting that the A’s have a tiny, shoddy stadium in a bad part of town that they have to share with the Oakland Raiders. “I just sort of noticed we hardly have any fans, and other teams laugh at us because our locker room is so old and beaten up. We’re different from them, aren’t we?” Sources confirmed that after listening to Crisp’s concerns, Melvin smiled and assured him that he need only look at the Los Angeles Angels to see that money isn’t everything.
Date Invites Woman Upstairs To Check Out Red Flags #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Following an evening spent out at a local brewpub, area man Patrick Fitzgerald took the initiative Wednesday night to invite local woman Alicia Powell up to his apartment to see his glaring red flags, sources confirmed. “Let me give you the tour,” the 29-year-old said, opening the front door of his residence to reveal a living space full of such egregious warning signs as a framed hockey jersey, dozens of empty plastic liquor bottles atop his cabinets, and two and a half years of Maxim back issues. “It’s not that much, but the price is right. Here, have a seat on my futon [that also serves as a bed].” In spite of the many cautionary signals visible in Fitzgerald’s apartment, Powell reportedly decided to stay overnight anyway, as Fitzgerald either hadn’t noticed or didn’t care about her own obvious red flags of texting throughout their dinner conversation and the ankh tattoo on her wrist.
Report: U.S. Built Secret ‘Cuban Twitter’ To Stir Political Unrest #~# According to a new report, the U.S. Agency for International Development secretly built a Twitter-like social media platform to undermine the communist government in Cuba, a site that attracted 40,000 Cuban users who had no idea they were giving personal information to a program built by U.S. feds. What do you think?
U.S. Currency Finally Achieves Universal Suffrage #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they had awaited this day for decades, activists across the country celebrated yesterday following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision to grant full and universal suffrage to American currency.
Supreme Court Eliminates Cap On Individual Campaign Donations #~# The Supreme Court voted to remove the cap on the overall amount of money individual donors can give to political campaigns, arguing that previously held limits of $48,600 donations to candidates and $74,600 to political party committees violated the First Amendment. What do you think?
Mother Constantly Worried About Son Stationed On U.S. Military Base #~# MACON, GA—Saying that while she’s proud of her son’s decision to join the Army and knows that he is serving his country with honor, area mother Diane Brockmeyer told reporters Thursday she lives in constant fear knowing that her 24-year-old son, Pfc. Daniel Brockmeyer, is stationed at a military base in the United States. “I know that Daniel is extremely well-prepared and has specifically trained for dangerous scenarios, but I just can’t relax knowing he’s out there serving at a potentially volatile domestic Army facility day in and day out,” Brockmeyer said, adding that while emails and Skype calls with her eldest child assuage her anxieties in the short term, she continues to lose sleep over the knowledge that a typical day for him could turn deadly at any moment. “Keeping busy helps, and talking with other parents whose kids are stationed at bases throughout the country can provide some relief, too. But you read the paper and hear the awful stories and you can’t help but worry. There are just so many crazed, violent people out there who want to see harm come to American soldiers. I just want him to come home.” Brockmeyer added that she looks forward to the day when Daniel will be back in his hometown, able to walk freely down the street, pick up his children at school, and enjoy going to the movies with friends, secure in the knowledge that nothing will threaten him there.
Ryan Braun Desperate To Regain Trust Of Fans Before Cheating Again #~# MILWAUKEE—Having been recently reinstated after completing a 65-game suspension for violating Major League Baseball’s drug policy, Milwaukee Brewers right fielder Ryan Braun told reporters Thursday he is desperate to win back the trust of baseball fans before he starts cheating again. “First and foremost, I have to rebuild my reputation before I even consider going back to using banned substances,” said the former National League MVP, adding that prior to resuming his use of performance-enhancing drugs, he is intent on proving to millions of fans that he is a clean, honest athlete. “I’ve made some pretty shameful mistakes in the past, but I look at this season as a fresh start and an opportunity to truly earn the support of the great fans in Milwaukee. Then I’ll make them look like total fucking idiots when I get caught using PEDs again and am kicked out of baseball for the rest of my life.” Braun later admitted to reporters that he will continue his mission to rebuild the trust of baseball fans until midway through the season, at which point he will start using steroids again no matter what.
‘Forbes’ Releases 2014 List Of Most Punchable CEOs #~# NEW YORK—Featuring brief career summaries and estimated net worths of some of the most successful and prominent leaders in business, Forbes magazine published Thursday its annual list of the world’s 100 Most Punchable CEOs.
FedEx Confirms More Than 600,000 People Try To Mail Themselves Each Year #~# MEMPHIS, TN—Saying that the number has been gradually rising over time, officials at global delivery services company FedEx confirmed Thursday that some 600,000 people seal themselves up in shipping containers and try to mail themselves every year.
Woman Tragically Succumbs To Natural Hair Color #~# LOS FELIZ, CA—After nearly six years of expensive treatments and dozens of visits to top professional stylists, local woman Denise LaMarck, 32, tragically succumbed to her natural hair color, her friends reported this morning. “She fought valiantly against her brown hair for a long time, but no matter how hard she tried to beat it, her roots just kept coming back, month after month,” childhood friend Brittany Smith told reporters, noting that LaMarck would often appear blonde and happy for weeks on end before her natural shade would suddenly reappear, prompting her to rush back to the salon for an emergency touchup. “In the beginning she looked great—you would never guess she was a natural brunette unless she brought it up. But all those harsh chemicals and that constant foiling took a devastating physical toll, and she could only endure so much. In the end, she decided to just make peace with her hair color, discontinue her treatments, and let it grow out all the way.” Friends said they will always keep around a picture of LaMarck as a blonde so they can remember her “the way she would have wanted.”
Woman Going To Take Quick Break After Filling Out Name, Address On Tax Forms #~# RUSHLAND, PA—After chipping away at her 2013 income tax return Thursday evening by entering her full name and current address into the appropriate boxes, Christine Brooks, 26, announced her intention to take a quick break. “I hate to stop the momentum I’ve built up since I started sinking my teeth into this 1040, but it’s important to clear your head from time to time so you don’t end up making any careless mistakes,” said Brooks while attempting to unwind from her session of tax preparation by watching two episodes of House Of Cards. “If I have any gas left in the tank after dinner, I’ll get right back to it and take a stab at putting in all nine digits of my social security number.” At press time, Brooks was ready to set the forms aside for the night and get some rest so that she could get a jump on marking her marital status tomorrow.
Creationists Stall South Carolina ‘State Fossil’ Bill #~# Following the passage of a bill by South Carolina House legislators designating the Columbian Mammoth as the state’s official fossil, two senators decided to amend the bill by adding verses from the Book of Genesis declaring God the creator of all animals. What do you think?
Michael Jackson Album To Feature New Songs #~# Epic Records has announced their plan to release a new album from late singer Michael Jackson called Xscape, which will feature eight previously unreleased songs. What do you think?
Report: 58% Of World’s Japanese Speakers White 23-Year-Old American Males #~# WASHINGTON—Following a comprehensive two-year linguistic survey, a report published Wednesday in the academic journal Language revealed that 58 percent of Japanese speakers worldwide are 23-year-old white men from the United States. “Our findings indicate that a majority of individuals who can fluently speak and comprehend Japanese are actually Caucasian post-collegiate American males, many of whom order in Japanese at sushi restaurants and were one of the few white members of their universities’ Japanese clubs,” read the report in part, which noted that American-born 23-year-old men who taught English for a year in Kobe or Sapporo after graduation currently outnumber all other speakers of the Japanese language, including the entire population of the East Asian island nation and its millions of emigrants living throughout the world. “Though the Japanese dialect was spoken almost exclusively by individuals of Japanese origin until the mid-18th century, it is now largely a vernacular utilized by young white men who decorate their apartments with traditional Japanese prints and are devoted fans of manga artist Hayao Miyazaki. In fact, if present trends continue, we predict that within several decades the Japanese language will be spoken almost exclusively by fair-skinned twentysomething U.S. citizens who regularly purchase packaged seaweed snacks from small Asian markets and watch Akira Kurosawa films several times per month.” The report further confirmed that virtually 100 percent of this demographic is either currently dating or recently broke up with a woman named Miku.
Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe #~# PARIS—Citing factors ranging from the dumb, ugly asteroid belt separating the terrestrial planets from the gas giants, to the super-boring and practically empty interstellar medium extending in nearly every direction, new research published Wednesday by the International Astronomical Union has concluded that Earth is located in “by far the lamest” region of the observable universe. “Despite years of intensive analysis, we have failed to uncover even a single pulsar, black hole, lenticular galaxy, binary star system, quasar, or any other cool stuff within 50 light years of this stupid dump of a solar system,” read the study, which noted that to date, no telescope—either ground-based or in earth orbit—has been able to locate a portion of space more dull and tiresome than our own. “Maybe if we were a little closer to the center of the Milky Way galaxy instead of piddling away on one of its lame-ass outer arms, that’d be one thing, but we are right smack-dab in the middle of nowhere. All we’ve got is a bunch of crappy old cosmic background radiation and dumb-as-shit magnetic fields out here. Ugh.” The study’s authors added that they “so wish” they were on board one of the Voyager probes currently racing out of this mind-numbingly shitty planetary backwater.
Tips For Getting In Shape #~# With swimsuit season on the horizon, Americans across the nation are working hard to get their bodies in peak physical fitness for summer. Here are The Onion’s tips for getting in shape:
Nation Already Sick Of Baseball #~# WASHINGTON—With the MLB season still less than a week old, millions of weary Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday that they were already sick of baseball. “Three innings into opening day and I was completely bored to death,” said 36-year-old Michael Simpkins, echoing the sentiment of the entire U.S. populace while expressing that he could not wait for the tedious MLB season to finally end. “I was sort of excited before the game, but once they started playing I immediately realized that I couldn’t take one more second of this unwatchable shit.” At press time, the nation was reportedly reading articles on the NFL Draft and asked reporters to let them know who won the World Series.
Increasing Number Of Men Pressured To Accept Realistic Standards Of Female Beauty #~# NEW YORK—Confronted on a regular basis with images of women who represent a diverse array of body types, a growing number of American men are reportedly feeling pressured to accept the increasingly realistic standards of female beauty now depicted in the media, social scientists confirmed this week.
EPA Announces New Initiative To Conserve Whatever’s Left #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to forestall the nation’s decline in biodiversity and ecological resources, representatives from the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency announced an expansive new initiative Wednesday aimed at the conservation of whatever’s left.
Creature That Craps In Box Too Fancy For Dry Food #~# AUSTIN, TX—Reportedly believing himself to be “too good” for such pedestrian fare, sources confirmed Monday that local cat Benson, a creature that craps in a box, considers the consumption of dry food to be beneath him. According to accounts, the feline, who reportedly climbs into a 18-by-20-inch box in the corner of a room and defecates into a pile of sandy granules twice a day, would rather forego a meal entirely than deign to eat food that does not contain a level of moisture that he deems suitable. Reports indicated that if the dainty little fusspot doesn’t get the wet food he craves, he will whine and protest like a prima donna for minutes on end beside his dinner bowl, which happens to be situated just feet away from the unenclosed plastic box where he regularly empties his bowels. At press time, sources confirmed that His Majesty was lying across a $45 heated cat bed and licking his own groin.
Study: Popularity Can Raise Risk Of Being Bullied #~# Contradicting the common belief that bullies primarily target social outcasts, a new study has found that children who move up the social ladder to become more popular can also experience bullying. What do you think?
‘Jeopardy’ Turns 50 #~# This week marks the 50th anniversary of Jeopardy, the popular NBC trivia show known for its trademark rule of requiring contestants to phrase their answers in the form of a question. What do you think?
New Law Requires Richard Gere To Personally Inform Residents When He Moves To New Neighborhood #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Asserting that citizens have the right to know when the Golden Globe winner resides nearby, a newly enacted California statute dubbed “Richard’s Law” requires film actor Richard Gere to personally introduce himself to each member of the community upon moving to a new neighborhood. “Within five days of establishing residence, Mr. Gere himself shall visit all homes within a mile radius and clearly inform the occupants who he is and what major films he has starred in,” reads the legislation, which stipulates that Gere must leave a signed headshot at any residence in which the occupant does not answer the door in order to apprise them of his presence. “Mr. Gere must then give a detailed rundown of his career, listing the various awards he has received and providing a synopsis of any project on which he has appeared upon request by the resident. Furthermore, Mr. Gere’s full filmography shall also be printed on flyers and posted throughout the neighborhood.” A subsection of the law also reportedly funds the creation of an online database and map indicating where each and every cast member from An Officer And A Gentleman lives.
How The TSA Plans To Improve Airport Security #~# The Transportation Security Administration has released a new report with recommendations for improving security at airports around the nation. Here are the TSA’s planned upgrades:
Study Finds Majority Of Non-Shark-Related Fears Completely Unjustified #~# ROCKVILLE, MD—A study released Tuesday by the National Institute for Mental Health confirmed that the vast majority of Americans’ anxieties and phobias have no logical grounding in reality, aside from those related to being attacked in open waters and torn limb from limb by a gigantic, merciless shark. “Our research shows that people’s most common fears, such as the fear of flying or heights, are wholly unfounded, with the notable exception of the fear of a tiger shark swimming up undetected while you wade in the surf, latching its piercing teeth into your thigh, and dragging you screaming out to sea,” said the study’s lead author, Michael Buckley, citing clinical studies that described any pervasive sense of paranoia unrelated to being disemboweled by an inescapable frenzy of five sharks while swimming close to shore as “entirely irrational.” “We found that those individuals who expressed anxiety about public speaking, small spaces, germs, darkness, and nearly every other clinically identifiable source of phobia spent much of their time worriedly obsessing over these unrealistic concerns when they would have been far better served to channel this dread toward the very real danger of entering the ocean with a small cut or a piece of shiny jewelry and splashing around too close to the surface, all things that are likely to instigate a lethal bull shark or great white attack.” According to Buckley, the only two other reasonable and completely justified phobias discovered in the course of the study were the fear of getting caught in a swarm of killer bees and the fear of dying alone.
If God Exists, Why Doesn’t He Throw Us, Like, A Really Fucking Sweet Party? #~# I’ve been struggling with some pretty big questions lately about life and the meaning of existence. And to be honest, these days I’m finding it hard to believe what I was taught as a child, namely that there’s an all-knowing God who’s always watching over us and listening to our prayers. As much as I’d like to accept that an intelligent, loving presence is up there, I keep wrestling with doubts, and there’s one in particular I just can’t get past: If there truly is an omnipotent being who created the universe and wants us to live by His word, then why doesn’t He just throw us a really sick fucking party?
Netflix Town Criers Announce Arrival Of ‘Mad Men’ Season 6 On Streaming #~# LOS GATOS, CA—Arousing the attention of townspeople with repeated peals of their handbells before pausing to recite from scrolls stowed in their red frock coats, Netflix town criers were dispatched to public squares across the land Tuesday to herald the arrival of Mad Men Season 6 on Netflix streaming, sources nationwide reported. “Here ye, good sirs and madams with active Netflix subscriptions! By proclamation of the most honorable press office of Netflix, Inc., let it be known to all persons that the sixth-most season of Emmy Award–winning AMC drama Mad Men is available to Watch Instantly forthwith,” bellowed town crier Nathaniel Hodges as he traversed the residential streets of Yardley, PA, drawing townsfolk out to their verandas to hear tell of the new addition to the company’s extensive movie and TV library. “I hereby decree that all 13 episodes of this riveting season shall be available on PCs, Macs, TVs, tablets, gaming consoles, and an expanding selection of internet-capable devices. Come one, come all to see if the goodman Don Draper returns to his philandering ways and whether Peggy will prosper in her new role at Cutler, Gleason, and Chaough!” At press time, village sources reported that the crier had posted notice of the latest Netflix offerings on the door of the local pub and set forth across the Delaware River to bring the hopeful tidings to the good subscribers of West Trenton, NJ.
Older Cousin Thinks It About Time To Have Uninformed Sex Talk With Area 8-Year-Old #~# HAMILTON, OH—Noting that his younger cousin Alex Connors had nearly completed second grade, local child Peter Brooks, 10, told reporters Tuesday that he believed it was time for him to sit down with the 8-year-old and have a frank, completely uninformed sex talk. “It’s a big day in a boy’s life when his cousin takes him behind his parents’ garage, sits him down, and shows him a picture of a naked lady he ripped out of a magazine he found behind the baseball field, but I really think Alex is ready for it,” Brooks told reporters, noting that he hoped to answer all of his cousin’s burning questions about procreation, pregnancy, and “how far you put it up there” by drawing on the vast misguided knowledge of human sexuality he had gleaned from classmates’ hearsay as well as 12 minutes of a Real Sex episode he watched in a hotel room once. “The fact is, Alex is at the age where he’s going to find out one way or another that every time people have sex the woman has a baby, and I just want him to be completely prepared before getting naked with a girl and humping her until stuff comes out. Honestly, I wish someone had been there to explain it all to me back when I was his age.” The 10-year-old concluded by assuring reporters that he was well prepared for the talk, having had sex with girls himself on “tons” of prior occasions.
NASA Asks Public To Vote On New Spacesuit #~# NASA has announced that it wants the public’s input to select the cover layer design for its next-generation spacesuit called the Z-2, which will eventually replace the bulky white designs of current models. What do you think?
High School Makes Girls’ Yearbook Photos Less Sexy #~# Wasatch High School in Utah is facing criticism after several female students discovered the yearbook staff had altered their photos by digitally adding sleeves and higher necklines, changes officials said were made to comply with the school’s dress code. What do you think?
Everyone On Wedding Dance Floor Simultaneously Wondering If They’re Truly Happy #~# RICHMOND, VA—With the marriage ceremony and the words of advice from several speeches about love still fresh in their minds as they move and bounce to the live five-piece band, everyone on the dance floor at the Elliott–Begneaud wedding reception is simultaneously wondering if they are truly happy, sources are confirming. According to reports, every wedding attendee regardless of age or relationship status—from the bridesmaids, to family members, to those who do not know either the bride or the groom and were invited as dates of friends and relatives—is at this moment ruminating over whether their current circumstances in life have left them contented and whether the person dancing across from them is the singular person in the world with whom they are meant to spend their lives. After the music shifted from an up-tempo pop song to a slow-dance standard, accounts confirmed that even the bride and groom are feeling a momentary pang of sadness at the sight of their unmarried friends dancing around them, with both newlyweds privately doubting whether they would ever feel the exuberant, untroubled excitement of their single days again. At press time, everyone on the dance floor had concluded that the only wedding guest who was truly happy was the suit-clad 8-year-old currently busting a series of moves by himself at the center of a cleared-out dance circle.
Derrick Rose Pretty Sure He Just Tore ACL By Looking At Knee #~# CHICAGO—Noting that he immediately knew something was wrong, Bulls point guard Derrick Rose confirmed Friday that there’s a pretty good chance he just tore his ACL by casually glancing at his knee. “I was sitting down on the couch and absentmindedly looked down for a split second, and that’s when I heard a loud pop and was suddenly in excruciating pain,” said Rose, adding that he felt the ligament snap the moment his knee came into his line of sight. “I wasn’t even really looking at the knee, per se—my eyes just sort of passed over it, and then I felt it go. I should probably get an MRI just to be sure, but it’s already swelled to twice its normal size, so I’m pretty positive I tore it.” At press time, Rose had also reportedly torn his PCL and MCL after thinking the word “knee.”
How Recycling Works #~# With humans consuming an increasing amount of resources, the process of recycling has become more important than ever for protecting the planet. Here’s a breakdown of the process by which used products are converted into new materials:
LeVar Burton Raises $1 Million To Bring Back ‘Reading Rainbow’ #~# Actor LeVar Burton launched a $1 million crowdfunding campaign on the website Kickstarter to produce new online episodes of Reading Rainbow, the children’s TV show about the joy of reading that ran on PBS from 1983 to 2006, and raised the money in less than a day. What do you think?
Scientific Community Baffled By Man Whose Waist 32 With Some Pants, 33 With Others #~# PHILADELPHIA—An international team of scientists reported this week that they remain completely mystified by Lancaster, PA resident Brandon Holland, a man who inexplicably wears a size 32 in some pants and a size 33 in others.
Budget Cheat Day Lets Government Splurge On Anything It Wants Once A Week #~# WASHINGTON—With lawmakers on both sides of the aisle agreeing that everyone deserves to be a little naughty once in a while, sources revealed Thursday a newly enacted budget cheat day that allows government officials to splurge on spending once per week. “It’s so much easier to be fiscally responsible when you know that, come Saturday, you’ll get to indulge in whatever expenditures you want,” said Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx, adding that he didn’t mind treating himself to a $200 billion upgrade of the nation’s interstate highway system if he’s “been good” during the preceding six days. “Honestly, I’d lose my mind if I had to stick to my allocated funds the whole week. Now I know that if I can just hang in there, there’s a massive investment in the nation’s freight infrastructure waiting for me on the weekend.” At press time, Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson was skipping budget cheat day, as he had reportedly been binging on immigration enforcement all week long and didn’t think he deserved it.
Apple Buys Beats Electronics For $3 Billion #~# Apple announced this week they will pay $3 billion to buy music brand Beats Electronics, the maker of the popular Beats by Dre premium headphones, bringing co-founders Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine onto their executive team. What do you think?
American Medical Association Introduces New Highly Effective Placebo Doctors #~# CHICAGO—Saying that clinical trials have confirmed such individuals provide comparable results to fully trained, professional physicians, the American Medical Association announced Thursday the introduction of new placebo doctors to administer general practice medical care to the American public. “Making sure patients are seen promptly at local doctors’ offices and clinics is one of the AMA’s top priorities, and by simply supplementing the nation’s existing pool of primary care providers with several thousand unlicensed individuals whose appearance and behavior are indistinguishable from those of real doctors, we can greatly expand the medical community’s ability to address patients’ most commonplace ailments,” said AMA spokeswoman Tara Cosgrove, noting that allergies, aches, and the common cold were treated “just as effectively” by regular people who convincingly walked into an examination room looking down at a chart; appeared to check a patient’s eyes, throat, and blood pressure; then told the patient that the symptoms were nothing too severe and should clear up within a week. “Patients will be unable to tell if they received medical care from an experienced, board-certified doctor or someone who is just wearing a white coat and stethoscope and speaks to them for a couple minutes about whatever is troubling them while jotting down nonsense on a form, and in most general practice situations, we can assure the patient that his or her condition will be eliminated regardless of which individual they meet.” Cosgrove added that while the new placebo primary care physicians have generally been found to correspond with positive outcomes, the AMA had yet to achieve an equivalent success rate among its pilot group of placebo surgeons.
Survey: Most Common Deathbed Regret Never Spraying Fire Extinguisher #~# PRINCETON, NJ—According to a survey of hospice patients released Thursday by the Princeton Medical Institute, the most common regret of the dying is never having sprayed a fire extinguisher. “In their final moments, what people lamented most about the lives they had lived was that they never grabbed a fire extinguisher off a wall, pulled out the safety pin, and just unloaded the whole thing all over the place,” researcher Diane Karp said of her interviews with hundreds of patients, noting that the next most prevalent deathbed regrets she encountered were never having used one’s elbow to break a fire extinguisher’s protective glass case, never tossing an empty fire extinguisher canister through a large plate-glass window, and never throwing a heavy fire extinguisher into the arms of an intruder so that it would catch him off-guard and knock him over backwards. “The sense of lost opportunity was particularly acute among those whose mobility was severely limited in their dying days, which caused them to dwell on the uncomfortable reality that they would never get the opportunity to spin quickly around in a swivel chair while spraying a fire extinguisher in every direction, coating everything and everyone around them in a layer of foam. It’s difficult to see someone die feeling like their life was incomplete.” Karp expressed her hope that the survey’s findings would motivate people to devote a little time each day to using a fire extinguisher, before it’s too late.
Nation Will Always Have Fond, Vague Recollection Of Landon Donovan #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing profound disappointment upon learning the soccer star had been left off the U.S. World Cup roster by manager Jurgen Klinsmann, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday they will always have a fond, somewhat vague recollection of former captain Landon Donovan. “It’s really sad that he won’t be playing in Brazil, but I’ll never forget how excited I was during the last World Cup when he scored that last-second goal to win the match—wait, that was him, right?” said 28-year-old Jared Molloy of Tampa Bay, FL, who like millions of Americans spent this week nostalgically reflecting on Donovan's long career playing for the national team at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa and wherever the one before that was. “Looking back, it’s hard to imagine the U.S. team achieving much success without him out there, you know, doing all that stuff he did. He’s definitely the greatest American player of all time.” Molloy went on to say that without Donovan, the fate of the 2014 team will likely rest on the shoulders of that other guy who plays goalie.
Cheetos Social Media Team Arguing Over Whether Tweet In Chester Cheetah’s Voice #~# NEW YORK—Raising their voices in a heated debate over conflicting visions for the fictional animated spokescharacter, members of the Cheetos social media team reportedly argued late into the night Wednesday about whether a proposed tweet was in Chester Cheetah’s voice. “Chester would never say that,” said visibly agitated social media manager Stephen Newton, who expressed strong objections that the tweet was inconsistent with the public image and complex personality Cheetos has carefully cultivated for the cheese-obsessed, sunglasses-wearing cartoon cat since his inception in 1986. “Come on. You know that Chester would not say the word ‘snacking,’ he’d say ‘snackin.’ Chester is a smooth, cool cat. This tweet is not smooth or cool.” At press time, sources confirmed that a team member had angrily stormed out of the room after a younger colleague accused him of being part of Cheetos’ “Old Guard” and unwilling to accept a more cutting-edge direction for Chester Cheetah.
Modernized Space Camp Allows Kids To Simulate Frustration Over Lack Of Funding #~# HUNTSVILLE, AL—Aiming to provide attendees with an authentic glimpse into the nation’s space program, representatives for the U.S. Space & Rocket Center announced Thursday that its newly updated Space Camp will allow children to simulate the anger and mounting frustration experienced by NASA personnel over a continual lack of funding.
Man Terrified To Realize He Could Easily Go On Like This #~# FARMINGTON, NM—Despite being deeply dissatisfied with nearly every aspect of his life, local man Paul Gallardo told reporters Thursday that he was terrified to realize he could very easily continue to exist in such an unhappy state and probably would do so indefinitely.
MLB Bans Managers From Using Electric Prods To Force Players Into Batting Cages #~# NEW YORK—In response to widespread calls to end the barbaric practice, Major League Baseball issued a statement Thursday banning electric prods as a means to force players into batting cages. “There is no doubt the prods work, but giving players a painful shock in order to drive them into batting cages is both cruel and inhumane,” said MLB commissioner Bud Selig, noting that many veteran players show visible scarring from years of being guided into the cages with the two-pronged high-voltage electrical devices. “If these players are simply given more time out in the field during games, they will be far less reluctant to get in the cages later. Most are visibly terrified the second they see their manager get the prod out, and once they catch a glimpse of the pitching machine, it’s far more difficult to move them without a fight.” Reached for comment, many MLB managers revealed their skepticism regarding an effective method to move larger, more aggressive players like Matt Adams and A.J. Pierzynski into a batting cage without some level of brute force.
Study: College Education More Valuable Than Ever #~# According to a new analysis by the Economic Policy Institute, though recent graduates often struggle to find work and student debt has passed the $1 trillion mark, a college education is more valuable than ever because the wage gap between grads and non-grads continues to grow. What do you think?
Frontier Mother Just Wants One Nice Family Photo That Doesn’t End In Fatality #~# WICKENBURG, AZ—Citing past instances in which their portraits were ruined by everything from killer dust storms to rapid-onset smallpox, frontier woman and mother of three Anna Goode expressed her strong desire Thursday to get one nice photograph of the family without someone dying in the process. “Just one portrait where we’re all appropriately straight-faced and alive—that’s all I ask,” said Goode, adding that if the camera flashbulb happened to burst into a fireball while taking their picture, she hoped the portrait itself could be salvaged and that the explosion wouldn’t permanently disfigure her husband or her children. “We’ve tried this time and time again, and we always end up with a shot where someone’s eyes are closed, or the boys’ faces are blurry from holding a smile, or we’re trying in vain to resuscitate our daughter Emily after a cottonmouth wandered into the frame and bit her on the ankle. It would be so lovely to have a proper, serious photograph of our remaining children before they’re all grown up or killed in a saloon brawl.” At press time, Goode’s hopes were dashed when, in the midst of sitting for their latest family portrait, her husband was approached by a rival rancher and promptly decapitated.
Company Unveils ‘Drinkable Sunscreen’ #~# A company called Osmosis Skincare has developed an ingestible sunscreen called UV-Neutralized Harmonized Water, which allegedly provides SPF 30 protection by making water molecules beneath the skin “vibrate” to cancel out harmful rays. What do you think?
Recovering Prince Fielder Sick Of Pounds And Pounds Of Hospital Food #~# DALLAS—While under observation following season-ending neck surgery, Texas Rangers slugger Prince Fielder lamented to reporters Wednesday about the dismal quality of the hospital food that he has been consuming by the pound. “I’m not sure how they expect you to feel better when they’re feeding you tray after tray of this reheated garbage,” said the 30-year-old first baseman, bemoaning the heaping mounds of tepid, gravy-drenched salisbury steak; piles of bland baked potatoes; and hundreds of sugarless Jell-O cups that were carted into his room every few minutes when he rang his bedside buzzer. “The casserole they gave me yesterday was so nasty that I could barely wolf down all four pans of it. I'm so glad I can finally go home today and eat pound after pound of normal food.” Fielder added that he would never have agreed to go to the hospital in the first place had he not believed cervical fusion was a new type of delicious cuisine.
New Study Finds Employee Morale Drastically Improves After Watching Coworker Throw Fit #~# WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—According to a study published Wednesday in the Journal Of Management, the morale of an entire workplace typically improves dramatically following any instance in which employees witness one of their coworkers absolutely losing it and throwing a fit right there in the office. “It turns out that whenever someone at a place of business gets fed up to the point of raising their voice or begins vigorously and loudly typing on their keyboard as they have a tantrum at their desk, everyone else who works there starts to feel a little bit better,” said industrial psychologist Glenn Hardt, explaining that the study measured self-reported levels of happiness among employees immediately before and after a coworker sighed heavily, slammed his or her laptop closed, and stormed out of a meeting. “There may be a few stunned looks at first, but this behavior is soon followed by a flurry of eye contact, half-suppressed smiles, and then sustained, measurable improvements in mood among those still present.” The study went on to state that workplace morale plummets to its lowest point when a fellow employee is promoted.
Working Artist Has Developed Thick Skin For Sound Career Advice #~# RICHMOND, VA—Refusing to let constructive, practical advice get him down, painter-sculptor Marcus Chilton told reporters Wednesday that he has developed pretty thick skin for the countless pieces of sound career guidance that friends and family have attempted to give him over the last five years. “To stay focused on your art, you have to just tune people out when they start telling you all the reasonable, highly informed ways you should invest your earnings, start a retirement account, or otherwise supplement your income,” said Chilton, adding that while he initially dwelled on the logical, well-thought-out recommendations others offered him, over time he has gradually become impervious to all helpful suggestions and sensible recommendations. “It’s not easy, but after a while you just have to put on the blinders and shrug off all the insightful advice that, if implemented, would help you live more comfortably and thrive as an artist.” Chilton added that he has also developed a thick skin for people who look at the prices of his artwork, scoff, and then walk out of his studio.
Study: Human Ability To Cooperate Most Strongly Exhibited When Ordering Pizza #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Confirming that the process causes individuals to collaborate closely, reach compromises, and display empathy, a new study from the University of Michigan has found that the human ability to cooperate is never more strongly exhibited than when a group of people order a pizza. “Even among very large groups, we observed a remarkable behavioral dynamic in which choosing a place from which to order, selecting the size and number of pizzas, and placing a phone call led individuals to come together and work earnestly toward the fulfillment of mutual goals,” study co-author Linda Kolat said Wednesday, positing that the act of determining toppings may also be one of the few instances in which human beings genuinely listen carefully to what others are saying. “Furthermore, we witnessed numerous acts of generosity, with the group willing to forgo mushrooms, for example, if even one of its members expressed a distaste for it. People nearly always found ways to overcome their opposing tastes, often through skillful negotiations that resulted in ordering sausage on one half of the pie and just plain cheese on the other.” In addition, the study found that humans are never more divided than when attempting to determine how much they should chip in for the order, considering that some of them only ate two slices and didn’t even have any cheesy bread.
Beach Safety Tips #~# The return of warm temperatures and summer sun means many families and friends are hitting the beach to swim, sunbathe, and relax. Here are some tips for making sure you and your loved ones stay safe at the beach:
Elderly Dog Can Already Tell Owner Doesn’t Think She’s Worth $3,000 Gallstone Surgery #~# TOPEKA, KS—Saying that she could tell he had already made the mental calculation based on the hesitant tone in his voice, local dog Ruby confirmed that her owner does not consider her to be worth the $3,000 necessary to treat her gallstone condition, the 12-year-old golden retriever reported Wednesday. “Once he heard the cost of the surgery and asked the vet how sure he was that the procedure would even work, the writing was pretty much on the wall,” said Ruby, who recalled how it took her owner a week last fall to decide she was worth the $500 to have a benign growth removed. “I know he cares about me, but the fact that he keeps patting my belly and telling me we’ve had some great times together certainly isn’t encouraging. Plus, he can’t even make eye contact with me right now, which is definitely not good news.” At press time, Ruby was wincing as her owner told the veterinarian that an ultrasound was not going to be needed.
UConn Holding ‘Football 101’ Clinic For Female Fans #~# The UConn Huskies announced that the team will host a clinic for female fans instructing them on the basics of football, with officials saying the course is not meant to be condescending to women and that many women may in fact know more about the sport than men. What do you think?
Parents Paying Professionals To Pack Kids’ Summer Camp Bags #~# To reduce the stress of getting kids ready for summer camp, parents in New York City are reportedly paying professional organizing companies up to $250 per hour to pack their children’s bags with high-quality sheets, fancy soaps, and other supplies. What do you think?
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# ISLA VISTA, CA—In the days following a violent rampage in southern California in which a lone attacker killed seven individuals, including himself, and seriously injured over a dozen others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said North Carolina resident Samuel Wipper, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this guy from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what he really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past five years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
VA To Improve Veterans’ Health Care With New $500 Million Waiting Room #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to recent allegations concerning agency misconduct and an overall lack of quality treatment for the nation’s servicemen and women, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric Shinseki announced plans Tuesday to improve health care for American veterans with a new $500 million state-of-the-art waiting room.
College Rape Victim Pretty Thrilled She Gets To Recount Assault To Faculty Committee #~# CLAREMONT, CA—Visibly excited for the thrilling hour ahead, college sophomore Megan Anderson enthusiastically made her way to a meeting with members of her university’s Office of Student Conflict Resolution to offer a detailed account of her recent sexual assault, the eager undergraduate told reporters Tuesday. “I get to go into a room filled with a committee of middle-aged men whose primary concern is upholding the college’s reputation and recount in explicit detail the circumstances of my rape at the hands of another student—I can’t wait,” said the pleased 19-year-old, who noted that she’s particularly looking forward to describing her choice of clothing the night of the assault, explaining the nature of her relationship with her rapist, and entertaining a variety of questions aimed at determining whether she herself invited the attack with her words and actions, all while offering a step-by-step account of the most horrific night of her life. “Don’t get me wrong, it was great being interrogated by the local and campus police, but this way I get to tell university officials who have a vested interest in minimizing campus rape statistics and ensuring the steady inflow of alumni donations what exactly I was drinking and why I could have misremembered events. And to think, once I finally give my entire story, I then get the pleasure of listening as they try to push the whole incident under the rug. Lucky me!” Anderson added that though she didn’t want to get her hopes up, she was secretly thrilled at the idea of continually seeing her rapist go about his regular life on campus for her remaining two years in college.
Owning A Cat Is A Great Way To Meet Women Who Magically Appear In Your Living Room #~# Meeting women used to be a real challenge for me. I’m not the most outgoing guy, and chatting up a perfect stranger has never exactly been my strong suit. But that’s all changed now. You see, I’ve always loved cats for their easy companionship, but I wish I had gotten one sooner, because they come with a fantastic added benefit: They’re the best way to get to know women who magically appear in your living room.
Elderly Man Hailed As Alert #~# AVONDALE, AZ—Seeing him this weekend for the first time since the holidays, the family of local widower Gene Riggs spoke glowingly of the 87-year-old, hailing him as alert and aware of what was going on around him. “It was fantastic. He really seemed with-it, like he was following the conversation,” Riggs’ granddaughter Michelle Traeger said of the elderly man, who received great acclaim for the level of lucidity he displayed both during and after dinner, when relatives sat him down to watch the end of the Diamondbacks game. “And anytime we said something to him, he perked up and seemed to know exactly who we were and what we were talking about. Such a treat to see Grandpa Gene so responsive.” Laudatory family members went on to lavishly praise the octogenarian’s ability to “just keep going on” after so many years.
New STEM Education Initiative Inspires Girls To Earn Less Than Men In Scientific Career #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand women’s presence in traditionally male-dominated fields, the STEM Education Coalition launched a new initiative Tuesday dedicated to inspiring young girls to pursue math and science educations so they could one day earn less than men in academic or private-sector professions. “If America intends to maintain its status as an international research leader, we must do more to encourage young women to enter careers in engineering and technology where they’ll be paid, on average, $4,000 less than their male peers for doing the same work,” said program director Elizabeth Grant, stressing that the strategy would include inspirational K-12 classroom visits by female scientists, televised ad campaigns, and mentorship opportunities targeted at showing young girls that they too could attain a position in which they have fewer opportunities for professional advancement relative to men and are regarded as less competent by their superiors. “Today’s girls have the potential to become the physicists and chemists of tomorrow, powerlessly watching as their male counterparts are promoted over them, their intellects are ignored, and their research is underrepresented in scientific journals. Our mission is to let every young woman know that such a future isn’t a fantasy; it’s a reality they can most certainly achieve.” Grant admitted, however, that such opportunities depended upon the slim chance that these girls even managed to be hired from a predominantly male applicant pool in the first place.
Militia Leader Sentenced To 6 Months’ Probation For War Misdemeanors #~# THE HAGUE—Following his 15-minute appearance today before the Civil Ordinance division of the International Criminal Court, Mai Mai Kata Katanga militia leader Emile Kyenge was sentenced to six months’ probation for several war misdemeanors committed in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, sources confirmed. “Mr. Kyenge’s crimes against the community, from trespassing on private land during nighttime raids to torching entire villages without a burn permit, have been a disruption to public order,” said Chief Prosecutor Fatou Bensouda, adding that Kyenge has previously appeared before the tribunal for littering public grounds with the bones of his enemies, failing to pay taxes on sales of captive women, and allowing child soldiers to sit in his armored vehicle’s front seat. “In light of the damage he has caused, Mr. Kyenge will be required to complete 30 hours of community service and submit a letter to the tribunal apologizing for his actions. He will also be levied the standard fine of $250, as well as the $50 International Criminal Court processing fee.” Bensouda added that under the terms of Kyenge’s probation, the rebel warlord must henceforth inform the court whenever he leaves the state of Katanga to massacre civilians.
Study: Nearly Half Of Americans Can’t Swim #~# According to a new study by the Red Cross, 46 percent of Americans who say they know how to swim can’t perform the five water safety skills that are essential for saving oneself from drowning. What do you think?
Wise Oracle Proclaims To All At Barbecue That He Felt A Raindrop #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Reading the signs written in the world around him to divine the course of events as yet unfolded, wise local oracle Phillip McKenna foresaw the arrival of ill weather at a neighborhood barbecue Monday and uttered a sharp warning to those gathered, eyewitnesses said. “Uh-oh. I just felt a raindrop, guys,” the sage prognosticator declared to all, holding aloft his dampened wrist as testimony to his omen as he gazed into the heavens and interpreted its silent teachings. “It’s looking pretty gray. Maybe we ought to get the food inside?” At last report, the discovery of condensation falling from an air conditioner had unmasked McKenna as a false prophet.
Abercrombie Stores Minimizing Music, Cologne Smell To Win Back Teens #~# After years of lagging sales, retail chain Abercrombie & Fitch is reportedly trying to ditch its stores’ “nightclub vibe” by installing brighter lights, minimizing loud music and the smell of cologne, and featuring fewer pictures of half-clothed models on the walls. What do you think?
Leonardo DiCaprio Auctions Off Trip To Space With Him #~# At the annual Foundation for Aids Research auction on Thursday, Leonardo DiCaprio auctioned off a trip accompanying him to outer space in 2015 for more than $1 million. What do you think?
Bored GOP Vetting Rand Paul Just To Kill Time Before Viable 2016 Candidate Emerges #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the rigorous evaluation process “something to do” for the time being, bored Republican Party officials told reporters Friday they’ve decided to go ahead and vet prospective 2016 presidential contender Rand Paul in order to kill a little time before a viable candidate emerges. “It’s still pretty early, and honestly we don’t have much else to do right now, so we figured we might as well assess Rand Paul’s background and political profile until someone who actually has a decent chance of getting elected comes along,” said Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus, who claimed that, although a thorough appraisal and series of personal interviews would certainly not result in the senator and libertarian-leaning Tea Party member coming anywhere close to the Republican nomination, it would at least provide GOP strategists an interesting, time-consuming endeavor to get them through the next couple months. “Obviously, there’s not a chance we see the name ‘Rand Paul’ on the ballot in 2016, but running his political positions by a few focus groups and making sure he doesn’t have any dirty laundry that might come up in a hypothetical presidential run is better than just sitting on our hands, you know? To be clear, though, once a halfway appealing centrist whom the American people might actually consider getting behind dips his toes in the water, we’re dropping this whole Rand Paul thing on the spot.” Priebus added that, given the utter lack of legitimate 2016 candidates currently out there, the GOP might vet Ted Cruz as well “just for the fuck of it.”
Taco Bell Warns Employees Against Directly Exposing Skin To Food #~# IRVINE, CA—In a new handbook distributed Friday to employees at all 6,500 of its locations worldwide, fast food chain Taco Bell has issued an updated set of safety protocols that warns workers against directly exposing their skin to any of its food products.
Petco To Stop Selling Dog, Cat Treats Made In China #~# The pet supply retail chain Petco has announced that after the deaths of 1,000 dogs were linked to consuming chicken, duck and jerky treats imported from China, it will cease selling Chinese-made pet treats in its 1,300 stores across the nation. What do you think?
Girl Dating Star Recruit Thrilled To Learn Auburn Athletic Department Hiring #~# AUBURN, AL—Explaining that the opportunity is simply too good to pass up, 18-year-old Kendra Howard, who is currently dating one of the country's most coveted high school quarterbacks, expressed her excitement to reporters Friday upon learning of a new employment opening that just happened to become available at Auburn University’s athletic department. “They just approached me out of nowhere, but it’s perfect timing since I’m about to graduate high school and could really use a good job,” said Howard, adding that the 30-hour-a-week salaried position comes with a 401(k) plan and a generous benefits package. “They didn’t really mention what I would be doing, but they said that I’m exactly what they’re looking for and that I’d be a great fit for the position. And the best part is I’ll be on the same campus as Brian once he starts practice in the summer, which is such a lucky coincidence.” Howard added that she is also looking forward to seeing the familiar face of her boyfriend’s high school football coach, who will reportedly be joining the Tigers as their new quality control specialist in the fall.
Girlfriend, Girlfriend’s Brother Look Way Too Much Alike #~# OLYMPIA, WA—Taken aback after meeting his girlfriend’s older brother for the first time last night, local man Elliot Mast confirmed to reporters that the siblings look far too much alike. “As soon as he walked into our apartment, I was completely stunned,” said a still unsettled Mast, 32, adding that, aside from the difference in hairstyle and a few inches in height, the two were pretty much identical. “The eyes, the nose, their posture—it’s the exact same. They even smile the same way. God, it’s weird.” At press time, Mast was hesitating to return his girlfriend’s physical advances, as the mental image of her brother’s face was still way too fresh.
Levi Strauss CEO: Stop Washing Your Jeans #~# Speaking at a sustainability conference Tuesday, Levi Strauss CEO Chip Bergh told consumers that washing jeans is an unnecessary process that wastes water, and instead recommended placing jeans in the freezer to kill germs. What do you think?
Revealing Spring Attire Reminds Man He Nothing More Than Weak, Hormonal Ogre #~# CHICAGO—Eradicating any sense of respectability and gentlemanliness he thought he possessed during the long winter months, local man Brendan Watt was reminded Thursday by the return of more revealing spring attire that he is nothing more than a vulgar, hormonal ogre who has to actively keep his thoughts and gaze in check whenever he goes out in public, the disheartened 33-year-old confirmed to reporters. “God,” Watt reportedly said to himself while walking to work amid a variety of women wearing skirts and light strapless garments, as he arrived at the annual realization that he is, despite his best hopes, a chemically driven beast who must mentally tell himself he doesn’t need to take another glance at women who pass by in tank tops and yoga pants. “And there’s still five more months of this, for Christ’s sake.” At press time, Watt had just caught himself taking a second look at a girl who—Jesus—was a good 15 years younger than him, and was sadly accepting that this is just who he is.
New X-Men Film Features Bryan Singer Traveling Back In Time To Molest Younger Self #~# LOS ANGELES—Early reviews confirmed Thursday that X-Men: Days Of Future Past, the latest installment in the popular superhero film series, prominently features a storyline in which director Bryan Singer journeys through a portal in the space-time continuum to an earlier era, where he coerces his 16-year-old self into sexual intercourse. “Hey, I work in movies—you have any interest in Hollywood?” the director reportedly says in the film, caressing his teenage self’s shoulder in a scene preceded by a montage that includes Singer frantically searching for a coke dealer on the Lower East Side and attempting to contact older studio executives for a “wild party” later that night. “There’s going to be a little get-together in my hotel room at the Ritz later on. Tons of kids like you will be there, and a few showbiz bigwigs. Let me tell you, with a face like that, I can make big things happen for you. I really mean it.” Several reports indicated that the latter portion of the movie’s plotline focuses on Singer locked in a pulse-pounding race against time to prevent his adolescent self from filing sexual assault charges and destroying his career.
Experts Recommend Breaking Down Crushing Defeats Into Smaller, More Manageable Failures #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Offering advice to those who feel overwhelmed at the thought of becoming massive failures, a group of experts reported this week that the best way to approach a crippling defeat is to break it down into a set of smaller and more manageable setbacks. “The key to failing on a monumental scale is to take life one small misstep at a time,” life coach Jack V. Royce told reporters, emphasizing that people who hit absolute rock bottom seldom get there overnight. “Just start with a couple of minor fuckups and then build off that. It’s all about working through your long, humiliating downward spiral in workable increments: botch this, flub that, make a wreck of something else—and then, before you know it, you’re well on your way to being totally screwed.” Royce added that it’s also helpful every now and then to stop, take stock of your situation, and really beat yourself up about it.
Who Is California Chrome? #~# Legal Name: Zachary Nelson
Congress Reluctant To Cut Funding For Tank That Just Spins Around And Self-Destructs #~# WASHINGTON—Escalating recent budgetary disputes with the White House over military spending, members of Congress signaled their hesitance Thursday to curtail funding for the M114 Armored Combat Vehicle, a midsize tank whose sole capability is spinning 360 degrees in place and then exploding.
Ron Harper Won’t Stop Telling People He Was On Dream Team #~# WAYNE, NJ—Having insisted on the falsehood for the better part of two decades, sources confirmed Thursday that retired NBA player Ron Harper won’t stop telling people that he was on the national men’s basketball “Dream Team” that brought home the gold medal for the U.S. in 1992. “Man, we’ll never again have a group of superstars like we did in ’92; I’m just proud to have been a part of it,” the journeyman shooting guard reportedly told his checkout clerk at a local Stop & Shop earlier this week, adding his oft-repeated claim that “being selected as a starter for that squad was the biggest honor of [his] life.” “That team was something else: Magic, Jordan, Bird, Barkley, and me, manning the perimeter. We were unstoppable. Granted, what we accomplished in ’96 was pretty great too, but nothing can ever come close to that summer in Barcelona.” According to sources, the former athlete was later heard regaling a toll booth operator about his legendary “flu game” during the 1997 NBA Finals, in which a severely ill Harper improbably managed to score 38 points en route to a Chicago Bulls victory.
Report: Causes Of Death Getting Less Cool Over Time #~# TOMBSTONE, AZ—According to a report released this week by the National Institutes of Health, the leading causes of death in the United States have markedly decreased in overall coolness over the last century, with researchers noting a sharp and steady decline in the number of Americans who have died from steam-engine boiler room mishaps, being ripped apart by ravenous wolves, and sustaining a pitchfork directly to the gut. “Historically, Americans have been known to meet their demise in any number of untimely, mind-blowing ways, from being stampeded by runaway cattle to having their head crushed by a 2-ton block of falling ice they had hoisted into the air off the back of a wagon—yet these awesome fates have been almost entirely replaced by heart disease and diabetes,” said lead researcher Dr. Stan Rosen, emphasizing that there has not been one recorded death from being kicked by an ornery horse and stumbling backward into an open well in the past 100 years. “The average life expectancy in the U.S. has climbed to 75.6 years as fewer and fewer Americans die from cameras with exploding flashbulbs, grisly full-body infections caused by a single splinter, or putting on pants that happened to have a coiled rattlesnake resting inside them. Nowadays, citizens are succumbing to completely unentertaining demises, often from natural causes, which is terribly boring for the rest of us.” Rosen added that the easiest way to regain lost coolness is to nationally reinstate dueling as the preferred means of conflict resolution.
Resigned Labor Department To Give Every Unemployed American Self-Serve Yogurt Shop #~# ‘Look, This Is All We’ve Got,’ Labor Secretary Tells Nation’s Jobless
Nutella Turns 50 #~# This month marks the 50th anniversary of Nutella, the popular spread made from cocoa, skim milk, and hazelnuts that’s consumed in 160 countries around the world. What do you think?
High School Suspends Hunky Student For Wearing Shirt #~# MURFREESBORO, TN—Saying it was potentially disruptive to an educational environment in which all were entitled to see his rock-hard abs, administrators at Merritt High School suspended hunky senior Ryan Magnuson Wednesday for wearing a shirt. “When a teacher noticed that the shirt was obscuring the view of his shoulders, pecs, and the rest of his muscular torso, the student in question was sent to the office and ordered to remove the inappropriate garment,” said assistant principal Janet Norcross, citing the school’s zero-tolerance policy for students who’ve got the goods but refuse to flaunt them. “The student handbook makes perfectly clear what we expect of our beefcakes, and we expect them to comply.” Norcross added that Magnuson was initially given the option of turning his shirt inside out, as long as he did it nice and slow.
Man Disgusted Just By Constant Thought Of 2 Guys Kissing #~# BLUFFTON, SC—Local man Russell Morrill told reporters Wednesday that he feels an acute sense of disgust simply at the constant thought of two men kissing. “Just endlessly imagining two dudes making out is enough to make me want to vomit,” said Morrill, 31, adding that the mere persistent mental image of two grown men lovingly embracing, let alone engaging in progressively more intimate acts, leaves him utterly nauseated. “Seriously, all it takes is envisioning two guys sticking their tongues down each other’s throats from the moment I wake up in the morning, and I’m sick to my stomach.” At press time, Morrill said he also cringed just at the incessant idea that his gay coworker would make a move on him and finally set him free.
Axl Rose Ranked Greatest Vocalist Of All Time #~# According to a new chart comparing the vocal ranges of 100 singers across different music genres and eras, Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose is the greatest vocalist of all time with a singing range of five octaves. What do you think?
Miami Heat Confident They Have The Right Officiating To Triumph Over Pacers #~# INDIANAPOLIS—After rallying to tie the Eastern Conference Finals at one game apiece, members of the Miami Heat expressed their confidence Wednesday that they have the right officiating to ultimately overcome the Indiana Pacers. “Indiana’s a great team, no question, but at the end of the day I think we have the right group of refs on the court to push us to the win,” Heat small forward LeBron James told reporters, adding that late in the game the team can always depend on officials to get them to the foul line. “In a tight series, you need to get the big whistles when it counts, and fortunately guys like [referee Joey] Crawford always deliver for us. They’re obviously great during the regular season too, but they’re really clutch in the playoffs.” James went on to say that in the final seconds of a close contest, he trusts the refs to make the game-winning call.
Date Rapist Tossing His Mortarboard Into Air 3 Rows In Front Of You #~# AMHERST, MA—Moments after triumphantly pushing his tassel to the left side of his cap and erupting into applause with his classmates, a jubilant date rapist three rows in front of you reportedly tossed his mortarboard into the air in glee Wednesday, numerous sources confirmed. “Woohoo!” shouted the new graduate who sexually assaulted a sophomore female acquaintance in her dorm following a house party in November 2013, had his crime kept out of the public eye by top-ranking university authorities, and subsequently completed his college degree in the standard four years. “Class of ’14 rules! Yeah!” At press time, sources reported that the proud alum, who has a history of forcing young women into unwanted sexual situations without their consent, was beaming as he posed for pictures with professors and college officials.
Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend #~# They’re In A Fight Or Something
Scientists Politely Remind World That Clean Energy Technology Ready To Go Whenever #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Stating that they just want to make sure it’s something everyone keeps in mind going forward, an international consortium of scientists gently reminded the world Wednesday that clean energy technologies are pretty much ready to go anytime. “We’ve got solar, wind, geothermal—we’re all set to move forward with this stuff whenever everyone else is,” said Dr. Sandra Eakins, adding that researchers are also doing a lot of pretty amazing things with biomass these days. “Again, we’re good to go on this end, so just let us know. You seriously should see these new hydrogen fuel cells we have. Anyway, just say the word, and we’ll start rolling it out.” At press time, representatives from the world’s leading economies had signaled that they would continue to heavily rely on fossil fuels until they had something more than an overwhelming scientific consensus to go on.
3 Sports Scientists Killed Attempting To Harness X Factor #~# TULSA, OK—Prompting questions over safety standards in similar laboratories across the country, three sports scientists were reportedly left dead and dozens more injured at the University of Tulsa on Tuesday while attempting to harness the X factor. “We’ve been trying for decades to isolate the elusive X factor in a controlled setting, and in this particular case we were simply calibrating the degree of clutch over various periods of crunch time when everything suddenly went awry,” said Dr. Andrew Solzman, one of just two sports scientists to have survived the accident unscathed, having fled the building as soon as measurements of hustle, toughness, and spark began going off the scales. “Our goal is of course to reverse-engineer the X factor and one day develop a synthesized version available to athletes across the world. But given its many intangibles, the X factor has proven incredibly unpredictable and unstable, and today we unfortunately saw the devastation it could wreak when not handled properly.” In an unconfirmed report, sources also claimed that immediately following the accident, a terrified and completely nude Joe Montana was seen frantically fleeing from the lab wreckage.
Sad Man Tears 2 Bananas Off Larger Bunch #~# NEW YORK—Sources at Key Food supermarket confirmed that a sad man tore two bananas from a bunch of seven while shopping alone in the store’s produce section Wednesday. “This ought to do it,” the lonely individual reportedly thought to himself as he placed the fruit in his shopping basket alongside a single pint of milk, which sources confirmed would likely go bad before it was finished. “I’ll probably have one banana today, maybe the other tomorrow or the day after, so—yeah.” According to reports, the five bananas remaining in the bunch were purchased by a smiling, cheerful man, who brought them back to a home full of people who love him very much.
Facebook ‘Ask’ Feature Lets Friends Inquire About Relationships #~# Facebook has begun rolling out a new profile feature in which an “Ask” button is displayed beside items in a user’s “About” page, including the “Relationship Status” section, so that users can directly ask if their friends have a significant other. What do you think?
Chipotle: Don’t Bring Guns Into Our Restaurants #~# In response to an incident in which gun rights advocates brought military-style assault rifles into a restaurant, fast food chain Chipotle has announced that it will require customers to check guns at the door before entering stores. What do you think?
Man's Insecurities Versatile Enough To Be Projected Onto Any Situation #~# RALEIGH, NC—Marvelling at how often he finds himself consumed by doubt and anxiety throughout the course of his day, local 32-year-old Ross Erickson told reporters Tuesday that his array of personal insecurities was versatile enough to be projected onto any type of situation. “Sure, my fears that I’m a fraud who won’t amount to anything and that I’m inherently unlikeable crop up in the usual places—like in my relationship or when I’m dealing with my parents—but what’s really remarkable is that they’re also adaptable enough to find their way into the most everyday situations, like interacting with strangers or even just thinking of speaking up in a work meeting,” said Erickson, noting that his exceptionally flexible worries could assume control and cause him to completely freeze up in scenarios as diverse as attending a friend’s barbecue, sharing an elevator with a coworker, or simply being in the presence of an attractive woman. “It doesn’t matter whether I’m thinking about something specific like a work deadline, or something more general like the future; all my personal fears always manage to seamlessly work their way into my thoughts. There’s really no limit as to when or where they can make me feel self-conscious and force me to analyze and obsess over every little detail involved.” At press time, Erickson was mentally berating himself, convinced he had given a terrible, embarrassing interview to reporters.
Man Only Buys Products Made Right Here In The USA By Cheap Immigrant Labor #~# DANVILLE, KY—Saying that he doesn’t want any of “that crap made in foreign countries,” local man Doug Adelwright, 47, confirmed Tuesday that he only buys products manufactured right here in the United States by underpaid immigrant laborers. “I always buy American, because I believe in supporting businesses that don’t move their factories overseas and instead employ illegal migrant workers to make things here at home,” said Adelwright, adding that you’ll never see a “made in Bangladesh” tag inside any of his shirts, because his clothes are made exclusively under U.S. sweatshop conditions. “Why should I buy stuff made by exploited foreigners in another country when I can buy stuff made by exploited foreigners who work on American soil? Look, I don’t want my purchasing dollars to go straight to some other country; I want my money going to good, honest workers here in the United States who then immediately send the money to their families back in other countries.” Adelwright also told reporters that he would choose the craftsmanship of a human-trafficking victim smuggled into the United States over the craftsmanship of a worker in a foreign country “any day of the week.”
Study: Most High School Graduates Woefully Unprepared For High School #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study released Tuesday by the Department of Education, a majority of American high school graduates are critically unprepared for the rigors of high school, lacking the skills and knowledge necessary to meet the basic academic requirements of secondary education.
I’m An ENTJ, Destroyer Of Worlds #~# Are you energetic? Outspoken? Do you consider yourself rational and goal-oriented? Do you make plans and stick to them—perhaps, as some might say, a little too much? Maybe you’re too busy to stop and smell the roses, and nothing but nothing gives you more pleasure than crushing a planet and all its life into cosmic dust. If all this sounds really familiar then you’re an ENTJ, a destroyer of worlds. Like me!
Fourth-Grader With Shark Tooth Necklace Must Have Killed Great White #~# BRUNSWICK, ME—Fourth-grade sources reported this week that in order to acquire the shark tooth necklace he wears to school each day, area 10-year-old Brendan Landsley must have killed a great white shark. “Brendan probably was in the ocean, saw this huge shark, and then just jumped right on its back,” said classmate Ryan Pierson, speculating that Landsley also likely held on to the animal’s fin and was dragged underwater for miles. “Then I bet he took out a knife or a harpoon and stabbed it a bunch of times and ripped the tooth right out of its jaws. He’s probably got a bite mark somewhere from when he was wrestling with it.” Schoolyard sources also agreed that sharks probably come nowhere near Landsley anymore when they see the trophy from his kill dangling around his neck.
Michael Jackson Hologram Performs At Billboard Music Awards #~# At Sunday night’s Billboard Music Awards, a hologram of the late singer Michael Jackson performed the song “Slave to the Rhythm” from his posthumous album, Xscape. What do you think?
Retired Factory Worker Had No Idea Earnings From ’50s Would Have To Support 3 Generations Of Family #~# STERLING, IL—Saying it was the furthest thing from his mind when he clocked in each day at the Northwestern Steel and Wire factory in the 1950s, retired laborer Henry Mitchell, 84, told reporters Monday that he had absolutely no idea his earnings from six decades ago would have to support the next three generations of his family. “Back then, I knew I needed the money I was making on the production line to feed and clothe my kids, but I really had no clue that my grandkids and even their kids would still rely on it all these years later,” said Mitchell, noting that, had he realized his wages operating a metal rolling machine during the middle of the previous century would eventually be called upon to provide for 11 separate family members, he would have done a better job budgeting his weekly salary of $65. “At this point, I’ve pretty much run through my savings paying off my son’s mortgage. And, no matter how I cut it, my pension dollars just aren’t going to stretch much farther, not with [grandchildren] Tom and Karen still out of work and five great-grandchildren who will one day need to go to college. Boy, I wish I’d gotten that promotion to furnace operator sooner.” Mitchell then lamented to reporters that things could have been better for his descendants if only he hadn’t taken his wife on that expensive cross-country honeymoon railroad trip in 1951.
Study: Average American Now Requires 3 Attempts To Get Up From Seated Position #~# BETHESDA, MD—A study published Monday by the National Institutes of Health found that the typical American now requires three distinct attempts to raise themselves from a seated position. “Between shifting in a chair, placing both hands on the chair’s armrests and heaving themselves up, or simply tilting their bodies forward and using momentum, Americans have to perform an average of three unique movements before they are able to rise to a standing position,” said NIH lead researcher Helen Glaser of the study that observed thousands of U.S. citizens attempting to get up from couches, recliners, park benches, car passenger seats, movie theater seats, and restaurant booths, adding that most Americans also required 60 to 90 seconds to recover between exertions. “While some Americans were able to get to their feet in just two stages, others simply abandoned their efforts to stand altogether and remained seated indefinitely.” The report also found that once standing, Americans could resume a seated position in a single fluid motion.
Report: Everything You've Ever Wanted Has Been Right In Front Of You All Along #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday, everything you have ever wanted—and, indeed, dreamed of—has been right in front of you all along. “If you would just open your eyes, you would see that the woman of your dreams—the sort of girl who could make you happy in ways no other woman ever could—has been right under your nose for years,” the report read in part, adding that if you took just one second to think about it, you would realize that she’s perfect for you. “The evidence is all there: She’s been crazy about you since the day you met, yet somehow you’ve constantly overlooked her. But most significantly, she won’t be around forever, so you’ll just have to step up now if you finally want to understand the real meaning of love.” The report went on to recommend that you just kiss her already.
Planning The Perfect Road Trip #~# With summer fast approaching, many people are planning long car trips to visit tourist attractions, see old friends, or simply hit the open road. Here are some tips for a fun and fulfilling road trip:
Male Gaze Falls On Buffalo Chicken Bites #~# BINGHAMTON, NY—Patrons at Thirsty’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Monday that the objectifying male gaze has fallen upon a $6.95 plate of buffalo chicken bites, resulting in the menu item being treated as if it serves no purpose beyond providing pleasure to the man who ordered it. By valuing the dish only for its ability to satisfy male appetites, the gaze has reportedly stripped the food of its individuality and reinforced outmoded, centuries-old attitudes toward deep-fried chicken. According to sources, the man could be seen almost drooling as he projected his desires onto the platter before him, looking upon the happy-hour favorite as nothing more than a passive “thing” to be dunked in ranch dressing and eagerly consumed. Critics of the man’s perspective have argued that each buffalo chicken bite deserves to be considered on its own merits and valued accordingly as the piece of meat that it is.
Everyone In Friend Group Drinking Solely So They Can Tolerate Each Other #~# MILWAUKEE—As soon as they arrived at local bar and grill Maguire’s, all four members  of a local group of friends began drinking beer solely as a means to help them tolerate their  interactions with one another, each of the men individually told reporters Tuesday. “I love going  out with Adam, Mike, and Justin after work, but I’ve found that I need to have a Fat Tire or   two to keep from getting too annoyed at the unbelievably obnoxious or dull things that each   one of them has to say,” said 29-year-old William Hastings, echoing the exact sentiments of   his three companions, all of whom admitted to ordering multiple drinks to make it easier to sit   through their friends’ awful opinions on pop culture, poorly thought-out political views, and   long, uninteresting accounts of their lives. “As long as I grit my teeth real hard and drink a couple   bottles or pints when I’m with them, it’s a great time.” At press time, Hastings was having the   server describe every New Belgium beer on tap in an effort to forestall his friend’s description of   his new workout regimen.
Blood-Sucking Lamprey Forced To Make Awkward Small Talk With Fish It’s Hooked Onto #~# ALGONAC, MI—While on a long trip upriver Wednesday, a blood-sucking sea lamprey was forced to make awkward small talk with a lake trout whose flesh it had bored into, sources reported. “At first, I tried to kick back and enjoy the ride in silence, but you can only use your razor-sharp teeth to shred through an organism’s surface tissue and feed off its bodily fluids for so long without saying anything before it starts to get weird,” the parasitic jawless fish told reporters while adhered just below his host’s left pectoral fin. “I asked him a few questions about where he’s from and what he likes to do for fun, and he made some quick little remarks about the current out there today—basic chitchat, you know. I figure it’s just a way to kill some time until I completely drain him of blood and leave him for dead.” The lamprey admitted, however, that while the conversation between him and the lake trout was a bit stiff and uncomfortable, the experience was far better than an encounter the previous week when he attached himself to the side of a salmon that would not stop yapping about her 7,000 kids.
Americans Overstate Claims Of Church Attendance #~# According to a new study, Americans are prone to exaggerating how often they attend church depending on how they are asked, with 36 percent of Americans reporting church attendance in a phone survey compared to the 31 percent answering online surveys. What do you think?
Japanese Fans: New Godzilla Too Fat #~# According to the Japanese Times, die-hard Godzilla fans are complaining that the monster in the new Hollywood remake of the classic 1954 film looks too fat, with many users joking that the giant reptile has eaten too much American food. What do you think?
Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon #~# Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the moon for marketing purposes. What do you think?
Amnesty International Blasts Conditions Of NHL Penalty Boxes #~# LONDON—Exposing widespread cases of rampant neglect and overly harsh treatment, human rights organization Amnesty International released a damning report Friday decrying the cruel and inhumane conditions of NHL penalty boxes. “Confining players against their will in these filthy and incredibly cramped enclosures is absolutely unacceptable in today’s modern game,” read an excerpt from the report, which also demanded accountability from the NHL after penalized players as young as 18 were found to be subjected to relentless abuse by opposing fans in arenas across the league. “The floors are often covered with the spit and refuse of previous offenders, with two players sometimes forced to share the same putrid, unhygienic penalty box. This brutal punishment is handed out for even the smallest of infractions—in some cases a five-minute sentence for a bullshit cross-checking call—and the NHL has simply turned a blind eye to this incredibly serious issue.” The report went on to heavily criticize the league’s barbaric policy of forcing a penalized player to watch as his teammates are reduced to playing short-handed.
Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper #~# SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, is far scarier when he tries to control his temper. “There’ve been plenty of times when he totally loses it and ends up slamming his fists on the table or yelling right at us, but somehow this is way worse,” Jeff Russell, 16, said after witnessing his father develop a bulging vein on the side of his neck while straining to lower the volume of his voice and contort his face into an expression of composure, a display his sister agreed was far more frightening than seeing him shout numerous profanities. “You think he’s finally going to snap, but instead he just keeps building up anger until there are a few beads of sweat on his forehead. Honestly, it would be a huge relief for everyone if he just let it out and threw something at the wall.” At press time, the elder Russell had said through gritted teeth that he needed a moment to gather his thoughts and calmly stepped out of the room, leaving everyone at the breakfast table in complete terror.
American Medical Association Changes Stance On Self-Immolation #~# NEW YORK—In a stunning announcement that has sent shockwaves throughout the field of public health, the American Medical Association officially changed its long-held stance on self-immolation Friday, reversing decades of support for the ritualistic practice of lighting oneself on fire. “After careful reevaluation and extensive discussion within the medical community, we have found it necessary to cease advocating for individuals to douse themselves in kerosene or other flammable chemicals, go out into the middle of a public square, and set their bodies aflame,” said AMA spokesperson Arnold Krbecek, who confirmed that an official bulletin had been sent to all 220,000 AMA-member physicians alerting them that the practice of self-immolation had been associated with adverse health outcomes and could prove lethal in extreme cases. “Immolating oneself remains a patient’s choice, but it is only one in an array of options that we encourage them to discuss with their doctor. The AMA will simply no longer be requiring that physicians prescribe it to their patients.” Krbecek also confirmed the organization’s view on hepatitis was still under review.
Biden Loses Control Of Butterfly Knife During Commencement Speech #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Advising the 1,500 new graduates to “check out this shit,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly lost control of his rapidly twirling butterfly knife Saturday while delivering the commencement speech at the University of South Carolina. “Son of a bitch,” said Biden as the butterfly knife slipped from his grip, pinwheeled across the stage, and slid beneath the provost’s seat. “Sorry, everybody. That never happens. Man, I had it going awesome earlier, but I’m sweatin’ balls up here. Damn, that fucker’s sharp as hell.” Biden, who sources confirmed appeared to be slurping blood from a small wound on his hand, continued the commencement address by heavily quoting from the Whitesnake song “Slide It In.”
Survey Finds 1 In 4 Adults Anti-Semitic #~# According to a new study commissioned by the Anti-Defamation League that surveyed more than 53,000 people worldwide, 1 in 4 adults across the globe are “deeply infected with anti-Semitic attitudes.” What do you think?
‘New York Times’ Editor Fired #~# New York Times chairman Arthur Sulzberger Jr. announced Wednesday he’s replacing Executive Editor Jill Abramson, the paper’s first female newsroom chief, in a move media insiders say may have to do with Abramson questioning her salary level as compared to her male predecessors’. What do you think?
Everyone In Sears Spanking A Child #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Citing offenses such as talking back, whining, and touching everything in the goddamn store, every adult shopper in Sears’ Medley Center Parkway location is currently spanking their child, sources confirmed Thursday. “Knock it off, Jeremy!” said local parent Tim Bonstell, one of hundreds of exasperated fathers and mothers simultaneously stooping down to smack the bottoms of their misbehaving youngsters. “I said quit it! Emily, do you want a spanking, too?” At press time, every single man and woman at Sears was tugging a child by the arm toward the exit and promising they’d be sorry when they got home.
Nancy Pelosi Rushes Into Living Room To Hear Grandson’s First Talking Point #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Setting down her newspaper at the sound of the young child’s voice, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi reportedly rushed into her living room Thursday to hear her grandson say his first talking point. “Paul, get in here, I think he’s doing it,” said Pelosi, who reportedly could barely contain her excitement as the toddler proceeded to sputter through a line about reinvigorating the middle class by opposing tax cuts for Big Oil and corporations that ship jobs overseas. “Would you listen to that? He even pronounced ‘special interests’ correctly. Quick, somebody get the camcorder; I want to be able to save this forever.” As of press time, Pelosi was carefully helping her grandson walk back previous comments on Benghazi.
High School Student, Teacher Applying For Same Summer Waitressing Job #~# PITTSFIELD, IL—Noting that it would be nice to finally have a little spending cash on hand, both Pittsfield High School junior Marissa Klemp and chemistry teacher Rebecca Murphy applied for the same seasonal waitress position at a local diner, sources confirmed Thursday. “Right now, I’m borrowing money from my family half the time, so even picking up a few dollars here and there would be great,” said the 16-year-old Klemp, echoing the exact sentiments of her 10th-grade science teacher, both of whom hoped to use the money to buy some new clothes before the next school year started. “If the tips work out just right, maybe I could even get my own car and wouldn’t have to borrow my parents’ station wagon anymore. I really hope I get this.” Murphy and Klemp both went on to express confidence they would land the position, citing their relevant work experience waitressing around town over the previous two summers.
Paleontologists Unearth Earliest Known Dinosaur Stickers #~# MISSOULA, MT—Calling the discovery a major breakthrough for our understanding of the past, paleontologists working onsite in central Montana announced Thursday that they have excavated the earliest known dinosaur stickers on record.
Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café #~# NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museum café. “I feel kind of bad chowing down on all this food when I’m supposed to be engaged in sober thought and reflection on the tragedy of 9/11, but at the same time, this chipotle chicken is really, really good,” said Frydland, who also expressed a sense of regret over scarfing down a side of pasta salad, a yogurt parfait, and a 20-oz. Cherry Coke while taking a break from viewing the museum’s exhibits and salvaged artifacts from the 2001 terrorist attack. “I know they’re just trying to provide the best possible experience for guests as they remember the horrors of that awful day, but they’re serving those big chocolate chunk cookies, for God’s sake. There’s no way I’m not getting seconds.” Frydland then reportedly tilted a bag of kettle-cooked potato chips into his mouth, brushed a few crumbs off his shirtfront, and then made his way to the first responders oral history exhibit.
Congress Splits Into Male And Female Senators To Discuss Newest Reproductive Bill #~# WASHINGTON—To better educate lawmakers on complex reproductive issues while also providing a safe, nonthreatening environment where they can speak up and ask questions without feeling self-conscious, the U.S. Senate’s 100 members were separated into male and female groups Thursday afternoon prior to arguments on S.1696, the Women’s Health Protection Act. “There’s always some giggling when the Senate debates a woman’s right to privacy and choice in reproductive matters, which is okay, but we find that everyone’s more at ease when they can talk about it with members of their own sex,” Senate Sergeant at Arms Andrew B. Willison said as the female senators were led single-file down the hall into the Senate Appropriations Committee Room where they will learn about the proposed legislation from longtime congressional leader Sen. Barbara Mikulski (D-MD). “This way both the male and female senators can open up and ask anything they want about the bill’s provisions without fear of embarrassment or teasing. For many elected officials, this is their first real introduction to a woman’s reproductive rights, so we want to make the process as comfortable for them as possible.” Sources confirmed that Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) was given a religious exemption from the discussion after providing a note from his constituents.
Jerry Jones Not Ruling Out Someday Trading Way Too Much For Johnny Manziel #~# IRVING, TX—After surprisingly passing on the opportunity to pick quarterback Johnny Manziel during last week’s NFL Draft, Dallas Cowboys owner and general manager Jerry Jones told reporters Thursday he has not ruled out eventually trading away far too much to acquire the former Texas A&M star. “Make no mistake, we may have passed on Johnny in the draft, but I’m still leaving the door open to impulsively trade away our future first- and second-round picks for him if we don’t make the playoffs next season,” said Jones, adding that firing head coach Jason Garrett in a moment of pure panic before buying out the remainder of Tony Romo’s recent $108 million contract extension is not entirely off the table either. “Even tossing in a linchpin veteran player to sweeten the deal while bringing on a brand-new coach who will be permanently attached at the hip to Manziel is well within the realm of possibility for us. Johnny could very well be the starting quarterback of a completely gutted Dallas Cowboys team in the future.” Jones also confirmed that he would be equally open to someday cutting Manziel after poor showings in his first four games as a Cowboy.
Top Wedding Trends For 2014 #~# As the 2014 wedding season gets underway this month, thousands of couples across the country are preparing to tie the knot in memorable and carefully customized ceremonies. Here are the most popular trends you can expect to see at weddings this summer:
Being Ignored On Facebook Lowers Self-Esteem #~# According to a new study, Facebook users who receive little feedback from friends in the form of comments, “likes,” and other messages are more likely to experience low self-esteem and feelings of meaninglessness. What do you think?
Pope Francis Says He Would Baptize Martians #~# While delivering a homily earlier this week in which he sought to emphasize the point that everyone has the right to receive the Holy Spirit, Pope Francis said that he would happily baptize Martians if they arrived at the Vatican and asked. What do you think?
Prescription Bottle Recommends Taking 10 Tablets If You Really Want To Fly #~# BOSTON—Sources confirmed Wednesday that the label affixed to a bottle of prescription medication recommends that users take three pills daily for optimal medical results or take 10 of them at once if they really want to fly. “Take one tablet with water every six hours or pop 10 of these babies in your mouth and blast the fuck off,” the bottle’s label reads in part, adding that the number is an estimate and that users should ultimately base their dosage on how much of a rocket ride they want. “Pregnant women and children younger than seven should not use this medication except under careful supervision of a doctor, but if the rest of you wash down 20 of them, you’re going to the other end of the cosmos and back. You will see the Truth, and you will become one with it.” The label also advises users not to drink alcohol while taking the medication unless they want to softly float around the room.
How Twitter Is Trying To Retain Users #~# Twitter’s stock price has fallen in recent months amid growing concerns that the microblogging site is losing steam among users and having trouble finding a mainstream audience. Here are some ways the social network is planning to stay relevant, competitive, and attractive to new members:
Pharmaceutical Industry Reeling As More Moms Making Vaccines At Home #~# NEW YORK—A wave of concern reportedly spread through the pharmaceutical industry this week as several major drug companies reported a dip in quarterly earnings, with experts placing the blame largely on the growing trend of mothers choosing to make vaccines for their children at home.
McDonald’s Janitor Would Like To Thank Everyone Who Tossed Half-Full Cups Of Soda Into Trash #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—In an effusive display of gratitude toward the local community, McDonald’s custodian Kevin Daniels expressed his sincere thanks Wednesday to every customer who has thrown a half-filled cup of soda into any of his workplace’s eight trash receptacles. “Honestly, I can’t say thank you enough to all of you out there for not finishing your large cups of Coke and Dr. Pepper and then just tossing them into the garbage, especially the ones with a lot of ice—I appreciate those the most,” said Daniels, noting that the multiple times per day he carries a heavy, sloshing, and oftentimes leaking garbage bag to the dumpster behind the restaurant he realizes just how lucky he is. “I also want to give special praise to all of you who attempt to cram your soiled napkins and uneaten bits of burgers and Egg McMuffins into cans that are already overflowing. That truly makes my day. And don’t let me forget all the times you’ve smeared ketchup on the flap of the trash can where it dried and needed to be scraped off. Can’t wait to see what wonderful surprises the future has in store.” Daniels added that given how happy and grateful he is for all that McDonald’s customers do for him every day, he felt that it was extremely selfish of him to be making a full $8 an hour.
Opposing Team Terrified After Seeing Home Fans All Wearing Same Color T-Shirt #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Describing the atmosphere as the most daunting they have ever encountered, Clippers players expressed their utter terror and panic Tuesday night upon taking the floor against the Thunder and discovering every spectator in the arena wearing the same white T-shirt. “When I first saw that sea of white shirts out there, I just remember thinking, ‘Oh my God, what have we gotten ourselves into here?’” said Clippers center DeAndre Jordan, noting that he and his teammates were absolutely crippled with fear after realizing the T-shirts worn by the Oklahoma City fans were not only the same color, but also had the same “Thunder” logo printed on the front. “Then they all started chanting “De-fense! De-fense!” while we had the ball, and we just didn’t know what to do. We’ve played in hostile environments before, but that—I don’t ever want to face that again.” Following his team’s loss, Clippers head coach Doc Rivers admitted to reporters that his players simply couldn’t overcome the fans’ wild cheers when the phrase “Let’s Get Loud!” was displayed on the arena’s Jumbotron.
Report: Growing Number Of Americans Forced To Make Ends Meet By Collaborating On Song With Pitbull #~# MIAMI—In a further sign that the sluggish economic recovery continues to pose a challenge to the nation’s workforce, a report published Wednesday by the U.S. Department of Labor revealed that a growing number of Americans have had to resort to collaborating on songs with Cuban-American rapper Pitbull in order to make ends meet.
Study: Bullies Derive Health Benefits From Behavior #~# According to a new study, adolescents who bullied others showed lower levels of inflammation, leaving them at lower risk of heart disease and other chronic conditions, while their victims showed much higher inflammation levels. What do you think?
Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She’ll Settle #~# WASHINGTON—Visibly anxious after bringing his longtime girlfriend to local pub The Bier Baron, area man Noel Johnson reportedly got down on one knee Friday and finally mustered the courage to ask Amanda Spaid whether she was willing to settle for him. “Amanda, will you disregard the vision of an ideal husband you’ve been building up in your mind since you were a little girl and marry, for whatever reason, me?” Johnson reportedly asked as he produced the only ring he was able to afford on his meager salary as a computer salesman, a job that would likely prevent Spaid from being able to enjoy a level of material comfort that she could have easily attained with one of millions of other potential mates. “Realistically, just based on my mediocre personality, genetic shortcomings, and substandard romantic and sexual abilities, I’m not going to make you the happiest woman in the world. But I guess what I’m asking is: Will you spend the rest of your life with me, a guy who, at this point in time, is probably your most sensible option?” Spaid went on to express surprise upon realizing Johnson was willing to throw away all of his freedom and independence for, of all people, her.
Casey Kasem Missing #~# A judge has ordered an investigation into the whereabouts of Casey Kasem, the 82-year-old radio personality known for his years of hosting the nationally syndicated American Top 40 countdown show, who has gone missing from his Los Angeles home. What do you think?
Military-Level Operation Being Planned To Get Grandma Through Graduation #~# MEDFORD, MA—With the methodical focus of an elite Special Forces unit, relatives of Tufts University senior Hayley Goldschmidt drew up final plans on Tuesday for maneuvering her grandmother Diane Goldschmidt, 81, comfortably through the school’s upcoming commencement ceremony.
One Million Gather In Confetti-Filled Times Square As U.S. Unveils World Cup Roster #~# NEW YORK—Cheering and exchanging high fives in the teeming pedestrian intersection, an estimated one million enthusiastic soccer fans reportedly crowded into a confetti-strewn Times Square Monday to celebrate as the United States unveiled its preliminary roster for this summer’s World Cup tournament. “Woo! Team USA, let’s do this!” said local man Brett Fahey, whose voice reportedly could barely be heard above the clamor of his fellow die-hard supporters of the U.S. men’s national soccer team as they filled the bustling outdoor tourist hub well past capacity. “Man, I sure hope Omar Gonzalez makes the final cut, don’t you? He and [Michael] Parkhurst are two of the best defenders in the MLS, no question!” At press time, an outburst of pent-up anger over Team USA’s heartbreaking 3-2 loss to Brazil in the 2009 FIFA Confederations Cup had caused the celebration to turn violent, forcing the New York Police Department to deploy nearly 1,000 fully armed SWAT officers in a futile attempt to quell the swarm of zealous, soccer-loving fans.
Court: Company Lied About Health Benefits Of Finger Shoes #~# Vibram USA, the maker of popular running footwear known as finger shoes with individual pockets for each toe, has agreed to pay $3.75 million to settle a class-action lawsuit alleging that the company lied to consumers about the health benefits of the shoes. What do you think?
Abortion Must Be Safe, Legal, And Soon #~# It’s been over four decades since the Supreme Court established a woman’s constitutional right to choose. One would think that by now American women who wish to obtain an abortion, whatever their reason, would be able to do so without government interference and without delay. But sadly, this is not the case. That is why we must fight—not next month or next week, but today—to ensure abortion is safe, legal, and soon.
The Case For And Against Animal Testing #~# Laboratories experiment on an estimated 26 million animals every year to determine whether commercial products and medications are safe for humans, a practice that many activists argue is inhumane and can be replaced by other testing methods. Here are the leading arguments for and against animal testing:
Budget Woes Force Heaven To Reduce Eternal Life To 500 Billion Years #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying they were reluctant to make the change but that budget pressures left them no other choice, divine sources announced Tuesday that the traditional promise of salvation would be reduced from eternity to 500 billion years. “To help us meet the rising cost of maintaining Heaven as a lavish kingdom of perfection for all penitent souls, we will now be limiting believers to afterlives consisting of half a trillion years, an amount of time we still feel is quite generous,” Archangel Michael stated at a press conference revealing the changes, which are set to go into effect immediately and apply to all God-fearing peoples who are currently alive, previously deceased, and yet to be born. “We want to assure all those who have lived virtuous, righteous lives that they will see no dilution in the legendary splendor and magnificence of the Heavenly realm, and that the only difference they will encounter is the new cap on the duration of their stay in paradise.” The Archangel added that divine officials would ensure that all redeemed souls would be painlessly extinguished into oblivion once their 500 billion years expired.
The Pros And Cons Of Breastfeeding #~# While studies have shown numerous benefits of breastfeeding for both infants and mothers, it can be particularly difficult for working moms to find the time to do so, while other women are unable to breastfeed for a variety of reasons. Here are the pros and cons of breastfeeding your child:
Report: Average American Has Just 20% Of What It Takes #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Pew Research Center, the typical American possesses only 20 percent of what it takes. “Our research indicates that most of us have less than a quarter of what’s required to make it happen,” lead author Phillip McCray told reporters, adding that, on average, each American also had less than 10 percent of the goods. “The findings are surprising and alarming, as recent studies had suggested that U.S. citizens could step up and get it done upwards of 50 percent of the time.” McCray went on to say that if the trend continued for another decade or so, there may be no one left in the U.S. who could bring it at all.
First Openly Gay Player Selected In NFL Draft #~# In the seventh and final round of the 2014 NFL Draft this weekend, Missouri defensive end Michael Sam was selected by the St. Louis Rams as the 249th overall pick, becoming the first openly gay player to join the NFL. What do you think?
Stone-Hearted Ice Witch Forgoes Exclamation Point #~# BETHESDA, MD—In a diabolical omission of the utmost cruelty, stone-hearted ice witch Leslie Schiller sent her friend a callous thank-you email devoid of even a single exclamation point, sources confirmed Monday. “Hey, I had a great time last night,” wrote the cold-blooded crone, invoking the chill of a thousand winters with her sparely punctuated missive—a message as empty of human warmth as the withered hag’s own frozen soul. “Nice to get together. We should do it again sometime.” In a final flourish of ruthless savagery, sources reported that the barbaric gorgon concluded the email with a conspicuously single “xo.”
Mom Thought NFL’s First Openly Gay Player Should Have Been Drafted Earlier #~# MINNETONKA, MN—Saying he was clearly one of the top choices and definitely should not have been one of the last players selected, local mother Annalise Callahan told reporters Monday that she thought Michael Sam, the NFL’s first openly gay player, should have been drafted earlier. “I don’t get why it took so long for him to get picked—he should have been one of the first ones,” said Callahan, expressing her disbelief that the defensive end was selected 249th overall and noting that, if she were them, she would have chosen him as number one. “You’d think one of those teams would have picked him in the top 10. I mean, it would have at least been a nice thing to do. I don’t know why they even chose all those fat guys before him who probably can’t even run.” Callahan went on to add that while she was happy for Sam, she shouldn’t have to worry about seeing two men kissing every time she turned on her TV.
Local Man Not Sure How He Ended Up In Boxing Entourage #~# LAS VEGAS—Perplexed and disoriented as he accompanied WBO light heavyweight champion Sergey “Krusher” Kovalev to the ring at the MGM Grand Garden Arena Saturday, local man Derek Hoff confirmed to reporters that he has absolutely no idea how he wound up in the boxer’s entourage. “I was just sort of walking around outside the casino, and the next thing I know I’m caught up in a big swarm of guys heading down to the ring,” said the 43-year-old claims adjuster, adding that amid the flurry of lights and blaring music inside the arena, he was somehow outfitted in a sponsor’s T-shirt and then found himself holding a title belt over his head while walking behind Kovalev. “Two minutes later, I’m holding down the ropes with my foot while he climbs into the ring. I didn’t really know what was happening, so I kind of just stood quietly in his corner until everyone else went to go sit ringside.” According to sources, Hoff was equally confused immediately after the fight when he was given a handgun and guided into the back of a limousine bound for a nearby strip club.
Home Trampolines Responsible For 1 Million ER Visits #~# A new study has found that between 2002 and 2011, accidents involving backyard trampolines resulted in more than 1 million trips to the emergency room to treat bone fractures and other injuries. What do you think?
McDonald’s Testing Do-It-Yourself Seasoned Fries #~# McDonald’s confirmed they’re testing do-it-yourself seasoned french fries, which customers assemble by pouring packets of flavoring onto the fries in a special mixing bag, a concept that was introduced by Burger King in 2002 and failed. What do you think?
Bus Rider Acting Like Fight Not Happening 4 Feet Away #~# CHICAGO—Steadfastly staring at his iPhone screen as the shouting grew louder, local man Kyle Rankin spent his bus ride Friday morning acting as if a rapidly escalating argument between two passengers was not happening directly across the aisle from him, sources confirm. “Get the fuck out of my face,” said one of the angry men as Rankin reportedly pretended to be engrossed in various features of his device and unaware of the two nearby men on the verge of physically assaulting one another. “I’m telling you, I will fuck you up. I will fuck you up!” At press time, the bus driver, who had been pretending he could not hear the two men threatening each other over the sound of the engine, briefly glanced in the rearview mirror.
Newly Engaged Couple Receives Incredible Outpouring Of Insincerity From Family, Friends #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Showered with a bounty of feigned support, forced cheer, and outright lies, local couple Mike Woodley and Christine Lyons reportedly received an incredible outpouring of insincerity from friends and family Friday following the announcement of their engagement. “Oh my god! I’m so happy for you two!!!!” wrote Lyons’ old high school friend Jennifer Mescudi, whose hollow Facebook post was but one of dozens of congratulations from people who privately doubted the solidity of the relationship, only liked either the bride or the groom, or privately informed other friends that they gave the marriage 12 months tops. “You’re so lucky to have found each other! I cannot wait to be there for the big day!!!” According to sources, Woodley’s college roommate said that being named the best man in a wedding he could not give less of a fuck about was “such an honor.”
Furious Maitre D’ Can Only Assume Hostess Didn’t Realize She Was Addressing Everlast #~# NEW YORK—Reportedly pulling her aside and furiously upbraiding her for not showing the proper respect and deference, Four Seasons Restaurant maitre d’ Arthur Connelly disciplined a hostess Friday for offending a patron that she had evidently not recognized as rapper and former House of Pain frontman Everlast. “I am only going to say this once: That is Everlast. You have to know who he is and make whatever accommodations are necessary to ensure he’s completely satisfied and comfortable,” Connelly said, scolding the recently hired hostess moments after she had informed the singer of the 1998 blues-rap hit “What It’s Like” that the only available table was in the back of the restaurant by the kitchen. “For Everlast you clear out a corner booth, even if you have to throw someone out a window to do it, and then you offer him a bottle of champagne, compliments of the house. Got it? Do not let a mistake like this happen again.” At press time, Connelly was seen sprinting back to the kitchen to return a soufflé that was not to Gerardo’s liking.
Unsettling Basketball Article Praises Portland Trail Blazers’ Young, Voluptuous Talent #~# PORTLAND, OR—As the Trail Blazers face off against the Spurs in the second round of the NBA Playoffs this week, an unsettling ESPN.com article published Friday reportedly disturbed readers by praising Portland’s roster of young, tantalizingly voluptuous basketball talent. “This is a team packed deep with young, hot, firm playmakers,” read an excerpt from the comprehensive team profile by ESPN analyst Tim Legler, which contains extensive descriptions of a “tender yet simultaneously rock-hard team” and includes over 500 words devoted to the “throbbing backcourt presence” of Blazers point guard Damian Lillard. “These guys have everything: finesse, energy, and more than a little bit of sass. And with so many of them younger than 24 years of age, we’ll be able to keep our eyes on their lithe, muscular, tempting bodies for many, many years to come. I for one am definitely looking forward to it.” According to sources, the article is the seventh such story authored by Legler this year.
Study: Seeing Jesus In Toast ‘Perfectly Normal’ #~# According to a new study, one reason people see the face of Jesus in toast and other everyday objects is because the human brain is hardwired to recognize facial features. What do you think?
‘Mighty Morphin Power Rangers’ Movie In The Works #~# Lionsgate announced that it’s planning a film franchise reboot of the popular Mighty Morphin Power Rangers TV show, which features a group of teens who morph into super-warriors and pilot giant robots called Zords to save the world. What do you think?
I’m Pretty Sure I’m Carrying Out God’s Will #~# As you undoubtedly know by now, my militant Islamist organization Boko Haram raided a secondary school in Chibok, Nigeria last month, kidnapping 276 teenage girls while they were sitting their exams. In the weeks since, I have ordered the abduction of dozens more young girls between 12 and 15 years old, and we are keeping all of them hostage as we wait to sell them into the human trafficking market. Many around the world are shocked and appalled by my actions, and simply do not understand how one could carry out such acts, especially against innocent children. To them I would simply say that I am a holy warrior carrying out the undeniable will of God Himself.
Man Deeply Suspicious After Insurer Covers Prescription Without Hassle #~# GAS CITY, IN—Taking for granted that his employer’s insurance would not cover the cost of his prescription antibiotics, local man Aaron Lasser was reportedly left deeply suspicious Thursday after being told by the pharmacist his plan had in fact paid for the medication in its entirety. “I went into CVS naturally assuming I’d have to pay at least 30 bucks out of pocket, but then the guy at the pharmacy counter said I was all set,” said a baffled Lasser, who added that, after looking down at the receipt for $0 stapled to the bag containing his prescription, he asked the pharmacist to double-check that there hadn’t been a mistake. “There wasn’t even a co-pay. That doesn’t make sense, does it? I need to get this sorted out. They’ll probably penalize me or something.” At press time, a skeptical Lasser was dialing the 800 number on the back of his insurance card to get to the bottom of what happened.
U.N. Report On Magical Realism Warns Of Increased Incidences Of Women’s Tears Flooding The Entire World #~# NEW YORK—Warning that such occurrences pose a grave threat to the global economy and millions of human lives, a report presented Thursday at a United Nations summit on magical realism highlights an alarming increase in incidences in which the whole world is completely flooded by the tears of a grieving woman.
‘I Want To Be With Someone Else,’ Says Woman Who Must Think 3-Time Hyundai Sales Leaders Grow On Trees #~# BETHESDA, MD—Local woman Heather Wilton, who apparently assumes that three-time Hyundai sales leaders just grow on trees, reportedly broke up with longtime boyfriend Kent Lewis Thursday, the Hyundai Sales Edge Award–winner reported. “I guess she’s under the impression that the world is overflowing with men who happen to be the top Hyundai regional sales associate for the third straight quarter and are currently on track for a fourth,” said Lewis, adding that the naive woman probably believes suitors capable of convincing more customers than any other associate at Silcox Hyundai to go with the power sunroof package are a dime a dozen. “Good luck finding another man who moved 14 Elantras last month and actually knows how to close the deal on a 2014 Santa Fe GLS with all-wheel drive.” At press time, an indignant Lewis told reporters that he could do better than his former girlfriend anyway, considering that, at his pace, he could be the sales team manager by this time next year.
Study: Most Serial Killers Did Not Receive Toy Every Time They Went To Store As Kids #~# MINNEAPOLIS—A study published Thursday in The American Journal Of Criminal Psychology has found a nearly perfect statistical correlation between children who were denied a toy they wanted when visiting a store with their parents and the later development of homicidal behavior. “We found that even after just one instance of being told ‘no’ in a toy store aisle, children may begin to exhibit their first violent impulses, which often later manifest as a compulsive need to kill others during adulthood,” said forensic psychologist Edgar Pruitt, whose study tracked the emergence of deviant, psychopathic traits that first began to appear when each future killer left a store without a new Nintendo game, G.I. Joe, or remote-control car. “John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer, the Green River Killer—these were all people who did not get the toys or games they wanted. So as a parent, you have to ask yourself if the $15 you save by not purchasing Legos or a Spider-Man figurine is worth the potentially dozens of innocent lives your child might one day brutally take.” The study also found that young girls who were told they had to eat their dinner before they could have dessert went on in 100 percent of cases to become mothers who drowned their own children one by one in the bathtub.
Onion Sports 2014 Mock Draft #~# Conventional draft wisdom says to take the best player available, but sometimes a team needs something different. With that in mind, here’s how Onion Sports predicts the first 10 picks of the NFL Draft will go:
Scientists Developing Heat-Resistant Chickens To Withstand Climate Change #~# Scientists at the University of Delaware are working on breeding chickens with a lack of feathers on their necks, a trait that makes them more heat-resistant, as part of an effort to create animals that can withstand climate change. What do you think?
Mel Kiper Trapped For 3 Days Under Toppled Big Board #~# BRISTOL, CT—Three days after the massive bulletin board of the top 2014 NFL Draft prospects fell and pinned him to the floor of his basement, sources confirmed Thursday that an injured, severely dehydrated Mel Kiper Jr. remains trapped underneath his Big Board. “Help! Somebody, please help me! I’m stuck!” the longtime ESPN analyst reportedly said, soaked in his own urine and weakened from subsisting on small 3-by-5-inch index cards containing names of promising outside linebackers. “Oh God, I think my ribs are broken. Can anyone hear me? Please, I don’t want to die!” At press time, reports indicated that upon being discovered by his wife, Kim, Kiper was rescued by emergency crews and is currently in Bristol Hospital re-ranking the top 100 draft prospects by position.
Wedding DJ Assures Anxious Man He Hasn’t Forgotten ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’ Request #~# WAUKESHA, WI—According to sources who attended Peter and Jillian Lefevre’s wedding reception at the Loft & Chapel banquet hall last Saturday, event DJ Joel Kephart assured the man hovering nervously by his booth that he had not forgotten the guest’s “Build Me Up Buttercup” song request from earlier that evening. “Yep, don’t worry, I’ve got it on my list,” Kephart said to the man who, throughout the previous four songs, had stood on the dance floor eagerly anticipating the 1968 Foundations hit, only to be repeatedly disappointed by a string of different pop standards. “I just played ‘Brown Eyed Girl,’ so I’ve got to mix it up. I’m going to play some slow stuff and then ‘The Electric Slide,’ but I’ll get to yours sometime after that, okay?” Reports indicated the man became further agitated after an unmistakable guitar intro confirmed he had been jumped in line by the guy behind him who had asked for “Play That Funky Music.”
Nation’s Sisters Issue Annual Report On Dealing With Dad #~# WASHINGTON—Citing an extensive body of research conducted over recent holiday get-togethers and weekly phone conversations, the nation’s sisters on Wednesday issued their yearly report outlining the various strategies for best dealing with Dad. “Based on our findings, there are a variety of effective ways to handle Dad depending on the situation, such as whether it’s a whole family outing or if you’re talking to him one-on-one,” read the 85-page document in part, which covered how to deal with Dad on long car rides, when he’s had a couple drinks, when he has a political ax to grind, and when he’s in “one of his moods.” “Regardless of whether you choose to change the subject, lay out your point of view in terms he would understand, or silently wait and let him just get it all out, the evidence overwhelmingly points to the fact that 99 percent of the time it’s nothing personal; that’s just how he acts.” The study concluded that in the majority of cases, it’s helpful to remind yourself that he is who he is, he’s too old to change, and he really does love you.
Poll: Elite Colleges Don’t Produce Happier Graduates #~# According to a new Gallup poll, going to a highly selective university doesn’t lead to being happier in life, with survey results indicating that students who forge connections with inspiring professors are likelier to be happier and more engaged workers. What do you think?
Who Is Boko Haram Leader Abubakar Shekau? #~# Abubakar Shekau, leader of the Nigerian militant group Boko Haram, recently boasted that he would sell more than 250 kidnapped schoolgirls in the market. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the ruthless Islamic extremist:
Poll: 56% Of Voters Say Country Better Off Than It Was 4 Eons Ago #~# WASHINGTON—With many respondents saying the country has made notable strides during that time, a poll published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center revealed that over half of American voters believe the United States is better off now than it was four eons ago. “Obviously things aren’t perfect, but on the whole I’m pleased with our breathable atmosphere and the lack of massive asteroid impacts, which is something you couldn’t say a few eons back,” poll respondent David Freeman told reporters, noting that while the economy could be stronger, he thinks America has moved forward since existing as the roiling mass of molten stone it was just a few billion years ago. “We’ve still got a long way to go, but it’s easy to take for granted that we live in a nation where organic molecules are plentiful and water is a substance that exists. All things considered, I think we’re doing okay.” The poll found, however, that more than 4 in 10 voters feel the U.S. is considerably worse off than it was four eons ago and called for a return to the country’s 450-degree Fahrenheit roots.
Nation’s Limo Drivers Spend Magical Prom Night Playing Scratch-Off Tickets In Parking Lot #~# WASHINGTON—Enjoying a beautiful evening and building memories they would likely cherish for years to come, the nation’s limo drivers spent a magical prom night playing scratch-off lotto tickets in darkened parking lots across the country Saturday, sources confirmed.
Michael Jordan Mulling Return To Craps Table #~# LAS VEGAS—Having walked away following nine heart-pounding rounds, sources confirmed Tuesday night that former Chicago Bulls guard Michael Jordan is considering a return to the craps table at the Bellagio casino. “Sometimes a guy like that needs to step away for a while and refresh, but craps has always been such a big part of him that it was hard to believe he was leaving for good,” frequent Bellagio guest Anthony Miano said of Jordan, whose trip to the bar also reportedly included a brief but unremarkable stint playing blackjack. “He’s up $5,000, so he’s still in pretty good shape. I hope he comes back, because everybody at the table agrees the game just hasn’t been the same without him.” Miano then wistfully recalled watching Jordan bravely refuse to leave the casino’s daylong poker tournament despite battling a 102-degree fever.
Tips For Baby-Proofing Your Home #~# Babies spend the first year of life exploring their surroundings by tasting and touching, which is why it’s essential for parents to be diligent in protecting them. Here are some tips for creating a safe environment for your baby:
Brutally Honest New Revlon Ad Campaign Reminds Customers You Can’t Change What You Are #~# NEW YORK—Asserting that makeup can do little beyond creating a fleeting illusion of youth and beauty, cosmetics giant Revlon launched a new series of ads this week aimed at reminding its customers they will never be able to change what they are.
Study: Firstborn Children Have More Ambition #~# A new study from the University of Essex has found that firstborn children are on average more ambitious and accomplished than their younger siblings, while firstborn girls are 13 percent more likely to pursue higher education than firstborn sons. What do you think?
Supreme Court: Public Meetings Can Have Opening Prayer #~# The Supreme Court voted Monday to allow public meetings at all levels of government to begin with an opening prayer, a decision many have criticized as violating the First Amendment clause forbidding the government from favoring certain religions or favoring believers over non-believers. What do you think?
Classmates Awed By First-Grader Who Gets Free Breakfast Every Day #~# YAKIMA, WA—Watching in amazement as their classmate Doug Horgan received yet another free miniature box of cereal and a banana Tuesday morning, first-graders at Eisenhower Elementary surmised that the pampered 6-year-old must be very well-connected. “I think Doug knows Principal [Dennis] Garcia or something, or maybe his dad is famous,” fellow student Eric Reynolds told reporters, noting with awe that all Horgan has to do to get free food is walk up to the counter and show his “super-special ticket.” “He’s allowed to pick out whether he wants a muffin or yogurt and the lady just gives it to him. I even heard that a teacher used her own money to go out and buy him pencils and crayons to draw with!” According to Eisenhower Elementary sources, if the free stuff wasn’t enough, Horgan also gets to watch TV all night while his mom is out working.
NFL Thankful Northwestern’s Activist Players Will Never Make It To League #~# NEW YORK—Saying the student-athletes would have definitely become an enormous thorn in their side, officials from the NFL front office expressed their profound relief Tuesday that Northwestern University’s pro-labor activist football players will never make it to the pros. “We’re pretty lucky those kids don’t have the talent to get here, because there’s no way they’d settle for any completely lopsided revenue-sharing terms in a collective bargaining agreement,” said league spokesperson Timothy Gladier, noting that the Wildcats players appear to be well-versed in labor rights and, if they actually found themselves on professional teams, would almost certainly cause a fuss over player safety issues, the rookie pay scale, and retirement benefits. “We’re trying to get an 18-game regular season at some point—you think those guys would just sit back while the NFLPA totally botches negotiations and gets rolled over by team owners? Thankfully there isn’t a chance in hell we’ll ever have to deal with them.” Gladier went on to add that the league is pleased with the large crop of incoming Alabama players who are expected to go along with pretty much anything they do.
Puberty Absolutely Teeing Off On Area Teen #~# MISSOULA, MT—Explaining that he has been knocked around pretty hard lately by all kinds of confusing new emotions and awkward changes to his body, local sources confirmed Tuesday that puberty is absolutely teeing off on area teenager Spencer Huncosky.
Son, I’ll Always Love You Whether You’re Straight Or A Closeted Gay #~# There’s something I want to tell you, son. You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to listen for a second, okay? I want you to know that you are the most important person in the world to me and that I will always be there for you. Because I’m your dad, and I’m always going to be. Unconditionally. And whether you’re straight or gay and closeted, I will always, always love you.
Stephen Hawking: Artificial Intelligence Could Spell End For Mankind #~# In a column inspired by the sci-fi film Transcendence, physicist Stephen Hawking wrote that it would be a huge mistake to dismiss the threat of artificial intelligence, cautioning that the rise of A.I. could be the “biggest event in human history” and possibly the last. What do you think?
Drones Banned At Yosemite #~# Rangers at Yosemite National Park have issued a stern reminder to visitors that flying drones is banned within its boundaries, saying that using the unmanned aerial vehicles to take nature photos can disrupt wildlife and create noise pollution. What do you think?
Income Inequality Emerges As Key Topic To Avoid In 2014 Elections #~# WASHINGTON—Citing the recent failure to increase the federal minimum wage and the continuing struggles of the country’s shrinking middle class, political strategists reported Monday that income inequality has emerged as the most important topic for politicians to avoid in this year’s upcoming elections. “The well-documented and steadily increasing gap between the rich and poor has come to the fore as the hot-button issue that all congressional candidates will be dodging at town halls, in televised debates, and at voter meet-and-greets in 2014,” said political analyst Rebecca Diemer, noting that both Democrats and Republicans were already holding meetings with top aides and focus groups to strategize the best way to brush aside the subject before they hit the campaign trail. “Come November, voters are going to have a lot of questions about economic disparity, taxes, CEO pay, and public welfare programs, which candidates are going to have to be prepared to address with noncommittal and completely insubstantial answers no more than one sentence long. It’s going to be a subject you’ll hear candidates divert from over and over again right up until Election Day.” Diemer added that immigration had also surfaced as the leading issue for candidates to completely forget about once they are elected.
Tiger Always Checked Out Of Local Zoo #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Complaining that another patron always seems to have borrowed the animal before he gets a chance to take it home, frustrated local man Scott Gardner told reporters Monday that the sole Siberian tiger at his local zoo is checked out every time he visits. “No matter when I head over there, the woman at the tiger habitat tells me the Siberian is checked out but that I can get it once it’s returned in a few weeks,” Gardner said, noting that the same person seemed to be repeatedly renewing the 350-pound cat and that he was always relegated to taking home “some leopard that’s not nearly as good.” “I looked it up online, and they’ve got a Siberian available at another location, but I’m not about to drive all the way out to Oakland.” When pressed, Gardner admitted that the availability of the tiger was a moot point, as his borrowing privileges had been suspended until he paid for the tiger he lost a few years ago.
Airbnb User Loves How Easy Website Makes It To Ejaculate In Stranger’s Sink #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Citing the website’s easy navigability, wide variety of lodging options, and ability to filter rentals by price range and neighborhood, Airbnb user Elliot Nofzinger told reporters Monday that he loves how straightforward the service makes it to ejaculate into a perfect stranger’s sink. “Airbnb is great—I just go online, scroll through a few photo albums, read some user reviews, and then boom: I’m rubbing one out in the bathroom sink of some guy I don’t even know,” said the 28-year-old traveler, who went on to add that the simplicity of online booking means that anybody can peruse lodging options one day and be aiming their semen into a sink the very next. “I’ve been to eight different places and I haven’t been disappointed yet. You get a nice clean bed, you save a little cash, and you can just grab some of the host’s family photos, line them up on top of the toilet tank, and get to work.” Advocates of the site say it is also ideal for hosts who provide accommodations to Airbnb guests, as the service makes it simple to secretly film a diverse array of masturbators.
Newborn Soothed By Familiar Sound Of Parents’ Bickering #~# OLYMPIA, WA—After an extended period of fussing and crying in his bassinet, 10-day-old Joshua Brundage was reportedly calmed Sunday by the familiar sounds of his parents’ raised voices, a daily occurrence that he is said to have grown accustomed to since gestating in the womb. Sources stated that around 7 p.m., the infant grew visibly relaxed in response to his mother’s and father’s distinctive verbal attacks, his stress levels clearly declining with each of his parents’ soothing, repeated interjections of “Listen to me! Listen to me!” and “It’s always my fault, isn’t it? It’s never you!” According to reports, within several minutes the incessant accusations and slamming of doors that were commonplace during Brundage’s prenatal development and have continued in the days following his birth lulled him into a deep state of peaceful contentedness. As of press time, Brundage had drifted off to sleep, reportedly pacified by his mother’s nightly refrain about when they’ll have enough money to pay the fucking credit card bill.
The Pros And Cons Of Homeschooling #~# Many parents are choosing to homeschool their children due to religious beliefs or dissatisfaction with their district, while opponents argue that attending school is essential to a child’s education and development. Here are some pros and cons of educating your child at home:
Astronaut To Deliver UConn Commencement Address From Space #~# The University of Connecticut has announced that alumnus Rick Mastracchio, who is currently orbiting the globe aboard the International Space Station, will deliver this year’s commencement address from space. What do you think?
60 Teens Arrested In Senior Class Prank #~# More than 60 students from Teaneck High School in New Jersey were arrested this week after they taped hot dogs to lockers and urinated all over the floors as part of a senior class prank. What do you think?
Kay Jewelers Recalls 2 Million Cursed Wedding Rings #~# AKRON, OH—Apologizing to customers for “any discomfort or searing of the flesh” on their ring fingers, Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands sold at its 900 locations nationwide over the past several years. “We announce with great regret that a considerable portion of our inventory, mostly from the Leo Diamond and Neil Lane Bridal lines, became cursed by an ancient evil either within the mine or at some point during the casting process,” company executive Judith Stelling said, responding to widespread reports of agonizing night terrors and chronic infertility among Kay patrons. “If any wearer of Kay products has experienced partial or total blindness, nausea, intense rage upon entering a church, or has suffered a string of unexplained family tragedies, you may return the defective item to any Kay-affiliated retailer to be destroyed by a qualified priest.” Stelling added that anyone who returns a cursed ring would receive full store credit and a complimentary silver pendant from Jane Seymour’s Open Hearts collection.
Study Finds Backing Down In Fight With Loved One Extremely Harmful To Relationship #~# BOSTON—A study published this week by psychologists at Northeastern University has determined that even a single instance of backing down during a fight with a significant other can inflict severe damage upon the relationship, often causing irreparable harm. “When a person is in the midst of a heated argument with a romantic partner, we found that nothing is more detrimental to the stability of your relationship than budging from your point of view, regardless of how minor the conflict is,” said study co-author Jenna Herzig-Watts, adding that when an individual surrenders even an inch of ground during such a dispute, he or she appears undesirably weak and vulnerable, undermining any possibility of lasting intimacy and in many cases prompting the person’s partner to initiate a breakup, divorce, or one or more extramarital affairs. “According to our analysis, the best thing you can do is just dig in your heels and keep fighting. While it may be tempting to remain coolheaded and look for ways to resolve the disagreement, you’re ensuring the long-term strength of your bond by erupting in anger and bringing up as many hurtful and completely unrelated matters as possible.” Herzig-Watts went on to state that a good rule of thumb for handling fights with a spouse or partner is to never stop screaming until you’re absolutely positive you’ve gotten the last word in.
James Cameron Says Future Of Movies Will Be Watching Them Sitting On His Lap #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling his latest innovation the medium’s most exciting advancement in years, Academy Award–winning film pioneer James Cameron said Friday the future of movies would be watching them while sitting on his lap.
Report: Injuries On Rise As More MLB Players Sliding Headfirst Into Dugout #~# NEW YORK—According to a report released by the MLB league office Friday, injuries have significantly risen this season as a direct result of more players opting to slide headfirst into the dugout. “Concussions, dislocated shoulders, and season-ending bone fractures are just some of what we’ve seen this year as an increasing number of players are diving headfirst into the dugout at full speed,” said MLB commissioner Bud Selig, adding that the practice has resulted in a slew of serious injuries to not only the player sliding, but also teammates and coaches occupying the dugout. "While it’s not technically breaking any rules of the game, we are considering measures to outlaw the practice entirely. We’ve simply seen too many instances of players being overzealous and slamming their backs against the concrete wall above the bench or accidentally taking out a group of teammates leaning on the railing.” Selig added that the league is also considering improving safety by banning outfield players from launching themselves cleat-first into the stands with both feet while attempting to catch a foul ball.
Report: 'SkyMall' Magazine May End Print Edition #~# Reports have surfaced that after losing $3.2 million last year, SkyMall magazine, the in-flight airline catalogue that sells electronics, home decor and novelty items, may stop printing catalogues and go web-only. What do you think?
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Looking visibly flushed as he hurried across the gymnasium floor, local teacher Greg Tollefson reportedly hoped that everyone helping to clean up after Thursday morning’s assembly at Mangrove Hills High School would notice how many folding chairs he was carrying at once. “You can just leave those there—I’ll come back and get the rest,” said Tollefson, hoping that his addition of a fourth folding chair to the three already secured under each of his arms would be seen and admired by all. “Yeah, I got it. You guys can focus on packing up the AV equipment.” At press time, sources confirmed that Tollefson was fairly certain that at least a few people had noticed he had chosen the heavier metal chairs over the plastic stackable ones.
Deeply Held Conviction Immediately Dropped After Friend Half-Heartedly Disagrees #~# GREENSBURG, PA—While engaged in a casual conversation about their favorite bands Thursday, sources confirmed local resident Nick Saccia, 29, summarily abandoned one of his most strongly held convictions after sensing that his friend half-heartedly disagreed with it. “No, no, I totally hear that,” said Saccia, instantaneously caving to his acquaintance’s slight divergence of opinion and practically tripping over himself to calibrate a response that would bury his well-thought-out beliefs about a subject he has long felt passionately about. “I mean, yeah, that’s a great point. I never thought they were that great or anything—they’re just okay. Absolutely.” At press time, Saccia was racing to redirect the discourse to a comfortable area of mutual agreement where they could safely carry out the remainder of the discussion by voicing identical opinions.
Facebook Announces "Anonymous Log-In" For Apps #~# Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced this week that in an effort to grant users more privacy, the social network plans to offer an "anonymous log-in" option for apps, which allows users to try out third-party apps without giving over access to personal information in their Facebook accounts. What do you think?
Pope Francis Pursues Sinner Across Vatican City Rooftops #~# VATICAN CITY—Numerous onlookers confirmed that His Holiness Pope Francis could be seen Thursday sprinting along the Holy See’s rooftops, darting between the chimneys and marble sculptures of the apostles atop St. Peter’s Basilica and the Sistine Chapel as he attempted to chase down a suspected sinner. After deftly scaling an exterior fire escape on the Apostolic Library, the pontiff is said to have raced across the pitched roof of the Vatican Museums while closely trailing the fleeing commandment violator, who according to eyewitnesses looked back over his shoulder multiple times during the pursuit to find the white-clad Vicar of Christ just a dozen paces behind him. Reports indicate that the pope lost track of the transgressor against God on top of the Palace of the Canonicate, causing him to pause for several seconds and frantically scan the horizon in all directions before suddenly spying the man on the adjacent roof of the Church of Santa Maria della Pietà, at which point the Bishop of Rome is said to have dashed at full speed to the building’s ledge and leapt the 30-foot gap separating the two structures. Sources confirmed that after a tumbling landing, the pope quickly picked himself up, returned his mitre to his head, and immediately resumed the chase. At press time, Pope Francis had reportedly taken a shortcut around the Tower of Nicholas V and tackled the unnamed blasphemer from behind, sending them both crashing through a 15th-century stained glass window and directly into a confessional booth below.
Woman A Leading Authority On What Shouldn’t Be In Poor People’s Grocery Carts #~# NORTHAMPTON, MA—With her remarkable ability to determine exactly how others should be allocating their limited resources for food, local woman Carol Gaither is considered to be one of the foremost authorities on what poor people should and should not have in their grocery carts, sources said Thursday.
Curious David Ortiz Wondering What Happens To Players After They Retire #~# BOSTON—Speculating there is “a big clubhouse way up at the top of the sky,” Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz reportedly expressed his curiosity Thursday over what happens to players after they retire. “Is there anything after that, or are you just gone forever?” said the 38-year-old designated hitter, adding that he sincerely hopes retirement “doesn’t hurt too bad.” “Do you get to see all your friends who retired? Man, my best friend Jason Vortex [sic] retired a few whiles ago, and I was really sad, but maybe I can see him again someday. I just hope I’ve been good enough to end up somewhere nice—I don’t want to be in the bad place for players who weren’t good.” After a period of noticeable anxiety, Ortiz then reportedly calmed down and assured himself that players generally only retire when they are “really old and can’t hit the ball anymore.”
Study: Lab Mice Stressed Out By Male Scientists #~# A new study has found that laboratory mice and rats experience more stress in the presence of male researchers than they do with female researchers. What do you think?
Mother Ferries 4 More Shirt Options Back To Son In Gap Dressing Room #~# COLONIE, NY—Ensuring that her latest selections included a variety of sizes and styles, local mother Melissa Garlington ferried four more shirt options back to her 14-year-old son waiting in a local Gap dressing room this weekend, sources confirmed. “I got a medium and a large of each one because I wasn’t sure which you’d be,” said Garlington, who then reportedly stood outside the stall as her son periodically cracked the door open to pass back the options he did not want. “I also got you a navy polo, but then I thought you’d look handsome in this nice green one, so try them both on. What about the shorts I brought back earlier—did they feel too tight around the waist? Make sure to sit down in them too.” After confirming which options her son wanted to buy, Garlington then reportedly instructed him to change back into his old clothes while she headed over to the register to get them a spot in line.
Progressive Parents Allow Child To Choose How He’s Ostracized By Peers #~# COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—Preferring not to dictate the specifics of his social exclusion, progressive local parents Brad and Monica Tull are letting their son Josh choose his own method of being loathed and mocked by his peers, the couple reported Monday. “Rather than impose our own interests on Josh, our approach is to give him the opportunity to pick out the reasons he’s mercilessly bullied and made fun of every day at school,” said Monica Tull, citing her son’s unrestricted access to a broad menu of pursuits that will earn his classmates’ derision, such as the oboe, Magic: The Gathering, and theater set design. “Frankly, we wish our parents had given us such freedom of choice, instead of forcing us into activities like tap classes and scouting. Through our hands-off strategy, Josh will get to experience daily torment and cultivate very few friends on his own terms, not ours.” The permissive, open-minded parents added that instead of telling Josh what to wear each morning, they always let him select from an array of department-store-brand sweatshirts and ill-fitting corduroy pants.
Brazilian Government Vows To Use All Money From World Cup For Much-Needed Soccer Infrastructure #~# RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL—Responding to ongoing protests over perceived corruption and irresponsibility within the government, Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff announced Monday that any profits from hosting the 2014 World Cup will be invested in desperately needed improvements to the nation’s soccer infrastructure. “Hosting an event of this scale has required significant taxpayer funding, but I want to assure all Brazilians that any and all proceeds from the World Cup will go toward giving our people what they truly need: neatly trimmed grass fields, goals, nets, and brand-new Adidas soccer balls,” said Rousseff, stressing that government officials will ensure the projected $1 billion revenue stream from the international soccer tournament is immediately funneled into projects to update and expand the soccer infrastructure in all Brazilian towns and cities. “These investments are admittedly long overdue, but the system will be rebuilt from the ground up so that millions of men, women, and children can finally have access to new, well-maintained soccer facilities with pristine playing conditions for both full-field and five-a-side games.” Rousseff added that in order to accommodate the extensive nationwide overhaul, the Brazilian government will likely need to demolish several dozen schools and hospitals across the country.
Child Pleads Case For Why Family Rabbit Should Be Named Aunt Susan #~# HAGERSTOWN, MD—Standing firmly behind his preference by delivering a sequence of fervent and well-reasoned arguments, local child Ben Greenewalt reportedly pleaded Friday for the Holland Lop rabbit his family recently acquired to be named Aunt Susan. “The bunny has all white hair, and Aunt Susan has all white hair,” said Greenewalt, 5, in his impassioned appeal to name the new pet after his mother’s elder sister, Susan Kanter, 48, making comparisons between the popular breed of household rabbit and Kanter’s demeanor, appetite, and physical features. “Please. The bunny’s kind of round and Aunt Susan is too. And they both eat a lot and just sit there. And you know what else? I love Aunt Susan, and I’m going to love this bunny so much.” Greenewalt concluded his presentation with a stirring reminder of his older brother Jeremy’s ineligibility for naming privileges, as he had selected the name of their goldfish, Jeremy.
Oldest Human Poop Discovered In Spain #~# Archaeologists working at an ancient campsite in Alicante, Spain discovered a pile of poop left by Neanderthals 50,000 years ago, which revealed that they were not strict carnivores as previously believed, but also ate plant matter. What do you think?
Man Invites Friends To Bar To Watch Game, Interact Fleetingly During Commercial Breaks #~# PEORIA, IL—Saying that the sports bar provided the perfect venue to cheer on the U.S. national team and barely socialize, area man Chris Ruhland, 28, reportedly invited his four closest buddies to their neighborhood Buffalo Wild Wings this afternoon to spend 45 minutes intently watching a World Cup soccer match before uttering a single word to one another at the start of halftime. “So how’s everything been going, Jake? Anything new with—” said Ruhland before snapping his attention back to the TV screen as a compilation of first-half highlights began to play at the start of the halftime analysis, which itself was followed by a string of commercials that offered the friends a grand total of 3.5 minutes in which to fit as much interaction as possible. “I heard that Dave got married last month? Must have been great seeing all those guys. I would—wait, hang on. Kickoff.” According to eyewitness reports, while the match claimed their attention so fully that any amount of conversation was impossible, all five men somehow managed to down several Game Changer Ales and three large orders of Mango Habanero wings without once averting their eyes from the game.
Report: 76% Of Sleepaway Campers’ Parents Beginning Trial Separation #~# WASHINGTON—A report released Friday by the U.S. Administration for Children and Families confirmed that more than three-fourths of overnight campers’ parents are using the opportunity away from their children to reassess their marriages by living separately. “We found that immediately after dropping off their kids at sleepaway camp, the majority of these children’s parents move in with a friend or check in to an extended stay hotel as they test the waters for a future divorce,” ACF spokesman Gregory Atwood told reporters. “While their kids are obliviously canoeing, building campfires, telling ghost stories, and forging friendships with their cabin mates, tens of thousands of parents will be attending last-ditch relationship counseling, thousands more will travel to their own parents’ houses to talk through their marital problems and decide whether they want to dissolve their partnerships, and nearly all will question whether they feel ready to re-enter the dating scene at middle age.” The report went on to state that by the time they pick up their children from camp, 40 percent of parents already have a custody schedule planned out.
Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again #~# BEAVERTON, OR—Saying that he has to deal with this shit every single night, local 6-year-old Andrew Neel was exasperated to learn Thursday that the bedtime story his mother would be reading him was once again from the fucking Bible, sources confirmed. “Oh, please no, not another one of these,” Neel reportedly said to himself upon hearing his mother begin telling yet another tale about shepherds, adding that he’s listened to the account of that little shit Zacchaeus probably a hundred fucking times now and that he just wants to hear a regular goddamn bedtime story with a talking frog or a modern kid who maybe has some sort of magical adventure, even if it’s Amelia fucking Bedelia. “Dammit! It’s the same freaking thing every time: Someone gets into some trouble, but then he has faith in God and everything turns out okay. Christ, I’m just going to pretend to fall asleep to get this damn thing over with.” Neel added that he would likely be able to enjoy the Bible stories much more if his parents would just read him some of the awesome gory shit.
New Pfizer Breakthrough Miraculously Extends Lifespan Of Near-Death Patents #~# NEW YORK—Hailing it as a groundbreaking discovery with far-ranging benefits, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced a new breakthrough Friday that vastly extends the lifespan of near-death patents. “Ensuring that every one of these patents lives a long and fruitful life is our highest priority, and we’re committed to doing everything in our power to make sure they survive,” said Pfizer spokeswoman Ellen Hilty, noting that the drug manufacturer with more than $50 billion in annual revenues had assembled elite teams of experts and dedicated years of intense work to finding a way to prolong the lives of dying patents. “At Pfizer, patents always come first. Our primary goal is, and always will be, keeping them alive and healthy for as long as possible. And that’s why we couldn’t be happier to announce this wonderful development.” Hilty added that nothing causes Pfizer officials more distress than seeing a once robust patent expire at a young age, a “terrible tragedy” that allows dozens of generic manufacturers to copy it and offer pharmaceuticals to customers far more cheaply.
Study: Women Who Give Birth Later Live Longer #~# According to a new study from the Boston University School of Medicine, women who naturally conceive and give birth to their last child after age 33 are twice as likely to live to age 95 as those who give birth to their last child before age 30. What do you think?
Most Popular Fitness Trends #~# Workout programs such as CrossFit and Tabata have surged in popularity in recent years as Americans look for new and engaging ways to lose weight, get in shape, and build muscle. Here are this year’s most popular fitness trends:
Supreme Court: Police Need Warrant To Search Cell Phones #~# In a landmark victory for digital privacy rights, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously Wednesday that police need to get a warrant before searching the cell phone of a person they’ve arrested. What do you think?
Astronomers Discover Massive Asteroid That Could Wipe Out Life On Earth, Force Nordstrom Out Of Business #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Warning that a catastrophic direct collision is possible within weeks, NASA astronomers announced Thursday the discovery of a mile-wide asteroid that could devastate all life on Earth and effectively force upscale fashion retailer Nordstrom out of business.
This Minnesota State Museum’s Final Offer To Owner Of Couch From ‘Mary Tyler Moore’ Set #~# MINNEAPOLIS—According to a firm statement given Thursday by the institution’s staff, this is the final offer that the Minnesota State Museum is going to make for the brown living room sofa used on the hit 1970s sitcom The Mary Tyler Moore Show. “$30,000 is as high as we’re willing to go—take it or leave it,” head curator Dennis Larson said in an attempt to settle four months of negotiations for the piece of furniture seen in the first five seasons of the program. “We’d obviously love to have this on display; it would be a valuable addition to our collection, which already contains the fence from Grumpy Old Men and two Little House On The Prairie dresses. But turn this offer down and we walk.” Larson added that under no circumstances would the museum take a bath like it did on Dennis Farina’s Twins jersey from Little Big League.
‘The Lion King’ Turns 20 #~# This week marks the 20th anniversary of the theatrical release of The Lion King, Disney's classic musical adventure film, which remains one of the most popular animated movies of all time. What do you think?
Conversations Pretty Limited When Friend Not In Midst Of Crisis #~# RACINE, WI—Though she considers herself a close and loyal confidante, 28-year-old Amanda Willets admitted Tuesday that unless her longtime friend Courtney Saunders, 29, is in the throes of panic, heartbreak, or a physical illness, the two have very little to discuss. “We can easily talk for hours about a disagreement between her and her mother, or the veiled insults she thinks are directed at her by a colleague, but as soon as things start looking up in her life we kind of hit a wall,” Willets said, referring to the halting and uninteresting conversations the two engage in once Saunders’ various health scares, family dramas, financial emergencies, and existential crises have been exhausted. “Yesterday, for instance, things seemed to be going pretty well for her, so we awkwardly chatted about Orange Is The New Black for a few minutes and then just found an excuse to get off the phone. It’s uncomfortable right now, but knowing Courtney, it won’t be long before she completely freaks out about how her landlord is raising her rent or how another one of her high school friends got engaged while she’s still alone, and our talks will pick up again.” At press time, Willets breathed a sigh of relief and cleared her afternoon schedule after receiving a text from Saunders saying “sooo annoyed, please call.”
The Pros And Cons Of Natural Childbirth #~# While most first-time mothers in the United States choose to give birth in hospitals that offer epidurals and additional medical assistance, a growing number of women are opting for drug-free, natural births, often at home. Here are the leading arguments for and against natural childbirth:
Goalkeeper Announces Plans To Frantically Wave And Yell At Teammates Before Corner Kicks #~# RECIFE, BRAZIL—In a surprising disclosure of tactics before his team’s World Cup match against Germany, U.S. goalkeeper Tim Howard announced Thursday that he will frantically wave his arms around and yell at teammates prior to any corner kick. “As soon as everyone is in the box, I’ll just start pointing at various opposing players while screaming at my defenders with one hand cupped around my mouth,” said Howard, stressing that he will also yell “Hey!” repeatedly while gesturing toward anyone not being marked tightly by a U.S. player. “I’ll also try to shove away any guys from the other team crowding me at the goal line, before eventually running out and trying to punch the ball away as hard as I can. And I will repeat this process for every single corner kick in the match.” Howard refused to confirm his plans for any free kicks on his goal, but hinted that they may involve leaning on the goalpost and repeatedly pointing either left or right while staring at his wall of defenders.
Facebook Bans Sale Of ISIS Clothing #~# Facebook has announced it is removing pages that are selling merchandise bearing the brand of militant group Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, including T-shirts with slogans such as “We Are All ISIS” and “Fight for Freedom, Until the Last Drop of Blood.” What do you think?
What The Average Funeral Costs #~# Funeral-related expenses have tripled over the past 25 years to upwards of $6,000 per ceremony, leaving many families struggling to afford the cost of burying a loved one. Here is what the average family spends on a funeral:
Humanity Surprised It Still Hasn’t Figured Out Better Alternative To Letting Power-Hungry Assholes Decide Everything #~# NEW YORK—Noting that it has had thousands of years to develop a more agreeable option, humankind expressed bewilderment this week that it has yet to devise a better alternative to governing itself than always letting power-hungry assholes run everything, sources worldwide reported.
FDA Recalls Food #~# WASHINGTON—Saying it was vitally important that citizens avoid consuming any of the affected items, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a nationwide recall of all food Wednesday. “We are asking all Americans to return any edible products they own to the store where these items were purchased or to discard such items immediately,” said FDA commissioner Margaret Hamburg at a morning press conference, specifying that under no circumstances should Americans eat grains, meats, produce, nuts, dairy products, processed foodstuffs, sweets, spices, or any other source of sustenance, nor should they feed any of these foods to animals or leave them within the reach of children. “If you are eating something right now, please discontinue doing so. We will let you know when it is okay to consume food again.” Hamburg noted that salt, baking soda, and all foods manufactured before 2002 were unaffected by the recall.
Starbucks To Sell Handcrafted Sodas #~# Following recent moves to add more lunch offerings, Starbucks has announced that it will soon begin offering individually crafted, made-to-order sodas from the beverage brand Fizzio, which will come in the flavors Spiced Root Beer, Golden Ginger Ale, and Lemon Ale. What do you think?
Indifferent Jazz Just Ask NBA To Draft Them A Forward #~# SALT LAKE CITY—Offering incredibly vague and at times conflicting attributes for the type of player they’re looking to add to their roster, officials from the Utah Jazz reportedly asked the NBA league office Thursday to select a forward for them with the team’s first-round pick in tomorrow’s draft. “Just get the best power forward who’s available—somebody tall and good on defense, I guess,” Jazz general manager Dennis Lindsey was overheard telling NBA commissioner Adam Silver over the phone, repeatedly stressing that the decision “isn’t really anything to worry about.” “And if you don’t like any of the forwards, maybe get us a center or point guard—whoever you want, really. Just do me a favor and shoot me an email afterwards to let me know who we wound up with.” Lindsey added that if Silver is unable to find a jersey to hold alongside the player after announcing the pick, he can simply use a plain white T-shirt with the word “Jazz” written on it in black marker.
Report: Shame Of Walking Out Without Buying Anything Drives 90% Of Purchases At Small Businesses #~# ATHENS, GA—Citing it as one of the leading factors influencing consumer behavior across the country, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Georgia found that nine of every 10 purchases from small businesses are driven by a customer’s shame at exiting the store without buying anything. “According to our research, 90 percent of all transactions at independently owned shops throughout the nation—be they bakeries, used bookstores, or one of those places that just sells unusual gifts and knickknacks—are motivated solely by intense pangs of guilt experienced after making eye contact with the owner and realizing you’ll have to walk past her at the register before you leave,” said the report’s lead author Emily Mosse, who confirmed that such purchases are typically initiated after the customer notices how every shelf is fully stocked and then realizes that he or she is the only other person in the establishment. “We found that most individuals who walked into a family-owned store with no intention of buying anything were quick to feel an incredible sense of sadness and pity upon seeing the clerk’s smiling face or the handwritten price tags on nearly every item, prompting the majority of them to pick out a minimally priced item such as a candle or at least a tin of mints at the cash register solely to mitigate their remorse.” Mosse added that nearly all individuals documented in the report admitted to then experiencing feelings of annoyance at having wasted money on some bullshit thing they could have gotten at a far better price anywhere else.
‘It’s Real Easy,’ Declares IT Guy About To Speak Incoherently For Next 30 Seconds #~# NASHUA, NH—Assuring a fellow employee at Pierce Advertising that restoring functionality to her work laptop would be “real easy,” the company’s IT technician Gary Wilson proceeded to speak in a virtually incomprehensible blather for the next half minute, sources reported Monday. “It looks like an Ntdll.dll error, so it’s pretty simple: Just select Environment Variables in the Advanced tab of Systems Properties, then rename the NLSPATH system variable to ‘NLSPATHOLD,’” said Wilson while standing over the shoulder of his seated coworker Alison Crawford, whose hopeless confusion and anxiety were only exacerbated by the IT specialist’s unintelligible instructions and repeated references to “the cloud.” “Or you could deactivate your Data Execution Prevention by locating Explorer.exe in your DEP tab’s C:\Windows directory, or disable your UAC through the Control Panel’s User Account Control settings. But then you’ll want to be cautious about which apps you use, got it? Otherwise you’re asking for trouble.” With Crawford still completely at a loss as to where to move her cursor following the directions, Wilson sighed and told her to get up so he could take care of the problem himself before beginning a 30-second string of annoyed and inaudible grumbles under his breath.
‘To Defeat Them, I Must Become Them,’ John Kerry Says While Putting On Black Face Mask #~# ERBIL, IRAQ—After meeting with senior Iraqi leaders to discuss the country’s increasing sectarian violence, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry retired to his hotel room Wednesday, where he is said to have donned the black clothing and black face mask commonly worn by ISIS militants while reportedly murmuring to his reflection that in order to defeat one’s enemy, one must become them. “I must know their strengths, their weaknesses—I must see the world as they do if ever I am to triumph,” the 70-year-old cabinet official said while wrapping a bandolier of ammunition around his waist and over his shoulders, one of several steps Kerry reportedly carefully undertook to “make [himself] one and the same” with the Sunni militant group. “It is said that if you know your enemies as you know yourself, you will be inviolable in many thousands of battles. So it shall be with me. He who is shrewdest shall be victorious.” The fully black-clad elder statesman was then seen reciting the writings of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, telling himself that “There is no John Kerry; you are Abu Amir now,” and then vanishing into the darkness of the desert night.
Standing Meetings Can Increase Productivity #~# A new study has found that employees have more productive group meetings when they stand, suggesting that companies should adopt furniture designs and layouts that discourage sitting. What do you think?
Report Finds More Americans Putting Off Children Until Companies Are Ready #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study released Tuesday that examines the changing demographics of first-time parents in America, researchers at the Pew Research Center found that more young adults are delaying having children until the companies that employ them are fully prepared. “Raising a child nowadays requires parents’ employers to sacrifice a tremendous amount of time and resources, which is why more couples than ever are postponing parenthood until they are absolutely sure that their places of work feel completely secure with the decision,” lead researcher Dr. Emmett Bitton said of the study’s findings, which noted that 50 percent of married individuals choose to wait five years or more after getting hired at a company before sitting down with their supervisor and discussing whether it’s the right time to seek maternity leave or whether their workplace can even afford to let them leave for doctors’ appointments. “The truth is that a lot of these companies are overwhelmed by the thought of employees’ children, and many are wary of the financial burden of having workers who have kids, especially when such employees are already working late many nights a week. For them, it just makes sense to postpone their staff members’ pregnancies as long as possible.” The study found, however, that most companies are eventually able to reach an acceptable arrangement for employee reproduction by offering personnel zero money or resources for the duration of their leave.
Report: Only Predictor Of Happy Marriage Is If Husband Ever Won Wife Big Stuffed Animal At Amusement Park #~# CHICAGO—Citing it as the telltale indicator of long-term marital satisfaction, a report released Wednesday by the Family Institute at Northwestern University found that the sole predictor of a successful marriage is whether or not the husband ever won a big stuffed animal for his wife at a county fair or amusement park. “Whether it’s achieved by knocking over three milk cans with a ball or filling a clown’s mouth with a jet of water, we noted a direct correlation between the quality of love two married people experience and whether or not the husband ever successfully won a carnival game and thereby earned his wife a giant plush Tweety Bird or fuzzy blue bear,” said lead researcher Aaron Tolchinsky, who noted that if the husband pointed to the largest prize and said “You want that? I’ll get it for you,” before winning it, the couple had a 94 percent chance of reporting high levels of emotional, intellectual, and sexual fulfillment. “In addition, the size of the stuffed animal won for a wife was extremely accurate in predicting levels of satisfaction, with smaller prizes like rubber finger puppets or plastic backscratchers resulting in higher incidences of dissatisfaction and divorce.” The report added that if on the way home from a fair a husband tenderly placed his jacket over his wife’s shoulders, statistics indicated they would die of old age on the very same day.
When I Need Strength, I Turn To The Bible Or Whatever Else Is Around #~# We all go through tough times in life. Maybe you’re struggling at work and filled with self-doubt, or perhaps the loss of a loved one has left you wondering if you’re strong enough to carry on. In those dark hours, it’s easy to fall victim to feelings of helplessness. But, fortunately, there’s hope, and it’s as close as your bookshelf.
Great White Shark Populations Surging Off East Coast #~# Nearly 40 years after the film Jaws spread fear of great white sharks that contributed to widespread hunting, scientists report that their populations are surging along the U.S. East Coast due in part to conservation efforts. What do you think?
New Report Suggests It Kind Of Weird Baseball Uniforms Have Belts #~# CINCINNATI—Raising questions about the logic of the long-held convention, a new report released Tuesday by Xavier University’s Department of Sports Studies revealed that it’s sort of weird baseball uniforms have belts. “If you step back and view the situation objectively, the fact that professional baseball players are running around the field in pants held up by a leather belt is a little odd,” said Dr. Nathan Gibbons, lead author of the 350-page report, confirming that it’s difficult to explain why baseball pants would even have belt loops to begin with. “These are elite-level athletes, remember, and they’re playing a sport—running, jumping, and throwing—all with belts around their waists. And presumably a player has at some point needed to adjust his belt buckle in the middle of a baseball game. That’s weird. They should just wear pants with an elastic waistband or something.” According to Gibbons, the extensive report goes on to conclude it’s just flat-out bizarre that baseball jerseys are essentially button-down short-sleeve shirts.
Hardened Snacker Keeps Trying To Rediscover That First Mind-Blowing Nacho Cheese High #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to recreate the mind-blowing intensity of his first experience tasting nacho cheese, veteran snacker Joel Spakowski, 29, has been scrambling between local convenience stores throughout the Washington area in an effort to find a snack that delivers the pure nacho cheesiness he craves, sources confirmed Monday. “It’s difficult to see Joel this way, searching for a corn chip or cheese-filled snack that can make him feel the way he did when he had that first zesty bite years ago,” said friend Paul Adams, who has looked on with increasing concern at Spakowski’s devoted pursuit of the ultimate nacho cheese fix, which once reportedly led him to miss several days of work while binging on a mysterious cheese dip of his own creation. “Don’t get me wrong, we all want our snacks to be just as magical as that first time. But how far can you chase that flavor before you go over the edge—before you don’t even know who you are anymore?” At press time, a frantic Spakowski was seen in the parking lot of a local 7-Eleven trying to barter for an entire pallet of Doritos Loaded boxes from a Frito-Lay truck driver.
Pope Excommunicates Italian Mobsters #~# During a trip to the Calabria region of Italy, the power base of a global drug trafficking syndicate, Pope Francis announced that all Mafia members are automatically excommunicated from the Catholic Church. What do you think?
Coalition Of Buzzed Cousins Issues Annual Greatest Nation On Earth Rankings #~# RIVERTON, WY—Speaking at its annual summit held around the charcoal grill behind the Dillon family home, the country’s leading coalition of slightly tipsy cousins released its 2014 greatest nation on earth rankings to relatives at a backyard barbecue Saturday, sources confirmed. “No better place in the world than right here in the U.S. of fucking A—greatest country in the history of the world,” intoxicated representative Shawn Dillon, 38, said of the cousins’ unanimous decision, which was reached after roughly 11 seconds of deliberation and an average of three Bud Light Limes per person. “Nowhere else even comes close. Land of the free, you know?” While the United States earned the inebriated coalition members’ top spot for the 16th consecutive year, several observers expressed surprise at Jamaica’s addition to the rankings this year after cousin Brendon Mahoney called the island nation “pretty cool, too.”
Magical Office Worker Able To Turn Everything He Touches Into More Work For Colleagues #~# BLOOMINGTON, MN—Noting that his mystical abilities extend from the most everyday tasks to the largest quarterly projects, coworkers at Oracle Media reported Monday that enchanted office worker Matthew Kosnick is capable of turning everything he touches into additional work for his colleagues. “His powers are astonishing; every responsibility that is left in his hands—from compiling the company’s sales figures, to putting together PowerPoints, to refilling the coffeemaker—magically becomes hours of extra work for someone else to complete,” said junior sales representative Alicia McCall, marveling at Kosnick’s supernatural ability to instantly increase the hassle of any project tenfold. “There is no assignment he can’t turn into a weeklong slog that results in multiple conference calls and forces his fellow employees to stay late several nights in a row. And with just a few quick lines in an email, he is able to set off a miraculous chain of events that eventually takes up all of the department’s time and effort. It’s breathtaking.” At press time, the magical employee could be overheard remarking how busy his coworkers appeared and asking if there was anything he could do to help.
U.S. Government Sets Aside 600,000 Acres Of Pristine Land For Future Generations To Pollute #~# WASHINGTON—In what is being hailed as a landmark preservation effort, federal officials announced plans Monday to set aside a 600,000-acre tract of pristine wilderness so that future generations of Americans can pollute it. “We have a responsibility to ensure that this country continues to have beautiful woodlands, fresh streams, and breathtaking vistas where one day our children and grandchildren can toss their refuse and dump their industrial waste,” said Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell, who noted that despoiling the environment is the birthright of every American citizen. “They too should know what it feels like to clear-cut an idyllic forest, poison a crystal-clear lake with chemical runoff, and permanently devastate a fragile ecosystem—not to mention what it feels like to level a majestic mountaintop with dynamite to access the coal beneath. If we don’t act soon, the experiences so many of us take for granted will become little more than a memory.” Jewell expressed her disappointment, however, that tomorrow’s children would never know the joy of driving the Tacoma pocket gopher and ivory-billed woodpecker to extinction.
Man Watching World Cup Thought He Would’ve Seen More Bicycle Kicks By Now #~# SKOKIE, IL—Confused and disappointed by what he has seen thus far of the 2014 World Cup, local 27-year-old Jared Bowman told reporters Monday that he had expected far more bicycle kicks by this point in the tournament. “I’ve watched a bunch of games, and I don’t think I’ve seen a single player do that thing where they fall backwards and kick the ball over their head and into the goal,” said Bowman, adding that he has seen the feat performed many times on ESPN highlight reels and had just assumed there would be at least three or four bicycle kick attempts during each World Cup match. “The closest they’ve come was when one of the German guys sort of jumped and did a sideways kick at the ball, but that’s about it. Nobody’s even done one of those rainbow kicks. I mean, c’mon, I thought these guys were supposed to be the best soccer players in the world.” At press time, Bowman was wondering why a player who just took a free kick didn’t simply curve the ball around the wall of players and into the top corner of the goal like David Beckham.
Study: Kids With Less Structured Schedules More Successful #~# According to new research, young children who are afforded more flexibility in their schedules to engage in open-ended, less supervised activities like reading and drawing develop better executive functioning skills than those with structured activities like piano lessons. What do you think?
Least Avid Sports Fan Tasked With Fetching The Next Round #~# DANVERS, MA—For the second time in the past 90 minutes, a group of friends watching the World Cup at a local Buffalo Wild Wings this afternoon has reportedly tasked Craig Burke, the least avid sports fan among them, with fetching the next round of drinks. “Craig really doesn’t pay much attention to sports, so it makes sense to have him grab the beers while the rest of us keep watching,” Burke’s friend Becca Richardson told reporters as the man for whom sports are only a passing interest precariously balanced five pints of draft beer between two hands and wove through a roaring crowd back to his seat, where sources confirmed his companions were too busy following the match to acknowledge the completion of his undertaking or offer compensation. “It’s always great whenever Craig comes out; we don’t have to miss a single moment of the action and Craig can take a break from watching a two-hour game he doesn’t care about to go get us another round of Game Changer Ales and some Jalapeno Pepper Bites. It really is perfect to have a friend who’s so marginally interested in sports around for the entire tournament.” According to reports, Burke had no sooner set the latest round on the table than the entire bar erupted in cheers, sending two beers spilling onto a plate of Thai Curry wings and causing the casual fan to be sent back once more to the bar.
New York Outlaws Pet Tattoos, Piercings #~# New York lawmakers have passed a bill forbidding pet owners from giving their pets tattoos, piercings, and other body modifications under the argument that it constitutes animal cruelty. What do you think?
Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check ‘Yes’ If They Have Open Sores #~# NEW YORK—Offering one-click companionship for singles who have exhausted all other options, new last-ditch dating website LastShot.com, which launched earlier this week, pairs users with a partner based solely on whether they have open sores anywhere on their body, company sources confirmed. “Just open an account, answer ‘yes’ if you have any exposed skin lesions or ‘no’ if you do not, and within seconds a name will appear on your screen as our algorithm delivers a perfect match based on your profile—it’s that easy,” said LastShot cofounder Ritchie Abramson, identifying the site’s target audience as those who have grown tired of the bar scene or other dating websites and who may or may not be covered in suppurating abscesses. “With our site, there’s no long, intrusive questionnaire process, no photos—the only thing that separates you from your potential soulmate is one simple question about any wounds or tissue infections you might have. Why not give it a shot? At this point, what do you have left to lose?” LastShot has already drawn complaints from subscribers, however, as a survey found that the majority of users tend to lie about their personal details.
Anthropologists Classify 43 New Species Of Weirdo Within Subway Ecosystem #~# NEW YORK—In a discovery that has greatly expanded the scientific community’s fundamental understanding of oddballs, a team of anthropologists from Columbia University announced Friday the identification of 43 new species of weirdo residing within the New York City subway system.
Erik Spoelstra Under Impression Big 3 Will Take Pay Cut To Keep Playing Under Him #~# MIAMI—As his trio of star players must soon decide whether to stay with the Miami Heat or test free agency, head coach Erik Spoelstra expressed confidence Friday that the team’s “Big Three” of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh would opt to take a pay cut in order to continue playing under him. “It’s about more than the bottom line for these guys—they want to play on a championship team with a championship coach,” Spoelstra told reporters, noting that while James, Wade, and Bosh could theoretically pursue a higher payday with other NBA franchises, only in Miami can they be mentored by a future Hall of Fame coach such as himself. “LeBron, Dwyane, and Chris all understand that playing for me represents an opportunity they’re not going to get anywhere else in this league, and that’s more important than any paycheck. If they stay, it’s because they want a few more rings and the chance to join me in the record books. It’s a pretty clear-cut choice, if you ask me.” Spoelstra added that the Big Three’s decision to remain with the Heat would only be made more attractive by the team’s potential offseason addition of Carmelo Anthony, who, given the caliber of coach he would be playing for, would happily sign for the league minimum.
New Department Of Agriculture Study Finds 85% Of U.S. Farmers Woefully Kicking At Dirt #~# WASHINGTON—According to a Department of Agriculture study released Friday, the vast majority of U.S. farmers have recently finished squinting off into the horizon and are, at present, woefully kicking at the dirt. “Based on our research, we can confirm that 68 percent of American farmers are currently removing their hats and wiping the sweat from their brow with the back of their arm, with an additional 26 percent coughing into a threadbare handkerchief,” the report read in part, noting that if they had not done so already, most farmers in the U.S. would soon spit on the ground beside them before staring up at the clouds and reckoning the possibility of rain. “The data indicate that while American farmers may or may not be chewing on a single length of wheat, nearly all of them are at this time squatting down to inspect a dried, shriveled beanstalk.” The study concluded that 100 percent of American farmers would, within moments, lazily shake their heads and lament that things just ain’t what they used to be.
Study: More Couples Delaying Divorce Until Kids Old Enough To Remember Every Painful Detail #~# CHICAGO—In a new study published this week in The American Journal Of Sociology, researchers reported that parents throughout the United States are increasingly opting to delay divorce until their children are old enough to remember each and every traumatizing detail. “What we found is that more and more couples are deliberately holding off on dissolving their unhappy marriages until their children are 9 or 10, the approximate age at which they’re cognitively capable of retaining every unbearably painful moment,” said study co-author Anna Dasgupta, adding that children at that stage of maturation will generally have the ability to recall for the rest of their lives the moment their dad told them he was moving out. “And by not rushing the announcement, parents ensure that their children have accumulated at least some memories of happier times, such as Christmases and birthday parties when the whole family was together, which they will use as sources of self-torment in the broken homes of their adolescence.” The study also noted that by postponing their divorce, parents helped ensure their children had sufficiently developed their sense of agency enough to blame themselves for everything.
FDA Proposes Social Media Guidelines For Drug Companies #~# In order to prevent the posting of misleading information about medications, the FDA has proposed social media guidelines requiring drug companies to post both the benefits and risks of a drug, which experts say effectively limits their advertising on Twitter and Facebook. What do you think?
Mattel Introduces Entrepreneur Barbie #~# Toymaker Mattel has unveiled its upcoming “Entrepreneur Barbie” doll, which comes equipped with a smartphone and LinkedIn account and was created under a partnership with eight real female entrepreneurs the company calls Chief Inspiration Officers. What do you think?
Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine #~# WASHINGTON—Contradicting the long-held belief that they would just go off and destroy anyone who tried to mess with them, a Department of Health and Human Services report published Thursday revealed that U.S. males would be on average 4,000 percent less effective in a fight than they imagine. “Despite the typical American male’s conviction that he would viciously beat down anyone who came at him and end the whole thing with one punch, we found that in the event of an actual violent altercation, most adult men would almost certainly injure themselves far worse than any assailant,” read the 80-page report, which went on to confirm that nearly all American males would be unable to execute a single maneuver they envision themselves capable of performing, be it an uppercut, a roundhouse, or grabbing an opponent by the back of the neck and smashing his face down into the bar. “Predictions of being amped up on massive adrenaline rushes or having multiple friends jump in to back them up are similarly unfounded, with over 75 percent of confrontations instead projected to end with panicked apologies or pleas to be let out of a headlock.” The report stated, however, that the majority of men correctly estimate that such fights would last a total of six seconds.
Missed Call From Dad At 9 A.M. Strikes Terror Into Area Man’s Heart #~# HARRISBURG, PA—While checking his phone shortly after arriving at work today, local man Scott Teresi was reportedly gripped by a sudden sense of abject terror upon noticing he had missed a call from his father at 9:09 a.m. “Oh, God,” said the petrified 31-year-old, who is said to have immediately and involuntarily started imagining numerous unpleasant scenarios that might have prompted his father’s attempted communication at such an hour on a weekday, ranging from a sudden downturn in his grandmother’s health, to an accident involving his mother, to the dissolution of his parents’ marriage, to some unforeseen, chilling admission from his father that he could not even begin to envision. “He knows I’m at work, but he still decided to call? This is definitely not going to be good. Fuck.” At press time, Teresi was staring at his father’s 26-second voicemail, trying to work up the nerve to press play.
Dad Thought He Could Make It Out Of Zoo Without Buying Kids Light-Up Shit #~# CLEVELAND—Making his way toward the facility’s parking lot Thursday with nearly $40 in battery-operated purchases, local father Nick Kelsey conceded to reporters he was incorrect in his belief that he could make it out of the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo without buying his kids any light-up shit. “I went in figuring I’d have to get them each a Chipwich and maybe a balloon animal, but definitely not any of that plastic light-up junk,” said Kelsey, 42, who explained he had envisioned himself and his family making it through the various animal enclosures and getting back to the car with at most a plush toy, not three glow necklaces and wands that flash multiple colors. “Boy, I was wrong on that one. Why do they even sell this light-up crap here? This is a zoo.” As of press time, every one of the light-up items was wedged underneath the Kelsey family car’s passenger seat.
Nation Wondering Why Struggling Mental Health System Can’t Just Pull Itself Together #~# ‘Quit Feeling Sorry For Yourself And Make An Effort,’ Citizens Say
YouTube Threatens To Block Indie Musicians #~# YouTube has threatened to block music videos from independent labels that have not yet signed on to its upcoming subscription service, YouTube Music Pass, meaning that many indie musicians could be blacklisted from the streaming service. What do you think?
Study Finds Americans Lead World In Ability To Justify Unnecessary Purchases #~# NEW YORK—A study published Thursday by the McKinsey Global Institute confirmed that American citizens lead the world in the ability to justify needless purchases, a finding that extended across all consumer categories, from electronics, to food items, to motor vehicles. “When it comes to rationalizing a third flatscreen television, defending the bulk purchase of sale items, inventing reasons to upgrade a cable package, and categorizing any purchase as an ‘investment,’ we discovered that consumers in the U.S. are more than five times as proficient as their counterparts in other countries,” said researcher Peter Cahill, citing the roughly $100 billion per year that Americans justify spending on cell phones that are less than a year newer than their existing model, shoes with pockets for each toe, brand-name allergy medicine, in-home soda machines, apps, coconut water, collector’s edition DVDs, and thousands of other goods and services. “What’s perhaps more impressive is that the unnecessary spending gap between the U.S. and the next closest nation more than doubles when we factor in completely superfluous big-ticket purchases, such as tuition at exclusive colleges or 3,400-square-foot homes.” The study also found that U.S. consumers were equally dominant when it came to helping friends and family members justify the purchase of unnecessary products.
Mysterious Portrait Discovered Beneath Picasso Painting #~# Using advanced infrared technology, art experts scanned the famous Picasso painting The Blue Room and discovered a hidden portrait underneath featuring a mysterious bow-tied man. What do you think?
Trailblazing Colleague Makes Historic Contact With People Who Work On Other Floor #~# PITTSBURGH—In an unprecedented encounter with a culture heretofore shrouded in mystery, Northco Logistics customer service specialist Ryan Barlow reportedly established historic contact Wednesday with the people who work on his office complex’s fourth floor. “I met this guy Kevin who said they’d been having the same problems with the air conditioner we’ve been having,” said the 28-year-old explorer in reference to the peaceful words of greeting he exchanged in the elevator with an inhabitant of QuestTech Learning Solutions, a meeting that to this point had been considered far too perilous to be undertaken. “He also said they had some leftover food and cake from his coworker’s birthday and that we could stop by if we wanted. He seemed very friendly.” Though admitting that no one had yet dared journey so far, the intrepid adventurer then regaled his colleagues with the legend of the remote and uncharted seventh floor, where there was rumored to exist a vast open layout and, according to lore, a ping-pong table.
What Is ISIS? #~# The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, a formerly al-Qaeda–aligned organization known by the acronym ISIS, has been seizing cities in Iraq, carrying out mass killings, and marching toward Baghdad. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the Sunni Islamist militant group that is suddenly at the forefront of international news:
Thomas The Tank Engine Theme Park Announced #~# Massachusetts heritage railroad site Edaville USA has announced that it will soon break ground on a theme park based on the children’s television series Thomas the Tank Engine. What do you think?
Study: More Men Opting To Be In Room When Wife Conceives Baby #~# PHILADELPHIA—According to a study published this week in the American Journal Of Obstetrics And Gynecology, an increasing number of men are choosing to be physically present while conceiving a child with their wives or partners.
Man Unaware All His Friends Think Of Him When They Want To Put Things Into Perspective #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Friends and coworkers of local man Alan Tessler confirmed Wednesday that whenever they feel discouraged or depressed, they need only think of their 36-year-old acquaintance to put everything back into perspective, a fact to which Tessler, by all accounts, remains completely oblivious.
Tips For The Perfect Cruise #~# Summer is a popular time of year for cruises, with everyone from singles and families to veteran passengers and honeymooners hitting the high seas on luxury liners to visit destinations around the world. Here are some tips for turning your cruise into a vacation you’ll never forget:
Tim Duncan Busy At San Antonio Zoning Office Planning Spurs Championship Parade Route #~# SAN ANTONIO—Having already filed a special event permit application with the city government, sources confirmed Tuesday that Spurs power forward Tim Duncan has been working diligently at the San Antonio zoning office to finalize the route of the team’s upcoming NBA championship parade. “We’re going to have a huge turnout tomorrow, so we should cordon off designated standing areas to ensure that traffic isn’t obstructed heading downtown,” Duncan reportedly said while poring over a large map of the city, estimating that roughly 500 4-foot-tall barricades would be required to ensure fan safety along the parade route. “I’m fine with allowing spectators near Rivercenter Mall, but only if we set up first aid tents and mark clear walking paths toward restroom facilities and street exits. The 2005 parade actually caused quite a bit of congestion on Market Street, so we should do our best to avoid any similar headaches this year.” At press time, Duncan was composing a lengthy email to teammates reminding them not to bring any glass containers or alcoholic beverages with them, as such items will not be permitted at the parade.
Understanding The Situation In Iraq #~# Violence has escalated in Iraq in recent weeks as the Sunni Islamist militant group ISIS has seized control of numerous cities and continued its advance toward the capital, Baghdad. Here is a primer to help understand the ongoing developments in the troubled nation:
O.J. Simpson Car Chase Hits 20th Anniversary #~# Today marks 20 years since the day that football star O.J. Simpson, who had been named as a suspect in the murder of his wife, led police on a low-speed highway chase as 95 million gathered around to watch live on television. What do you think?
Miami Heat Don’t Have Heart To Tell Devoted Fans They Lost NBA Finals #~# MIAMI—While admitting that getting it over with quickly would have been the best thing to do, members of the Miami Heat confirmed Tuesday that they simply can’t bring themselves to tell their fans the team lost the NBA Finals. “I know this is the kind of thing they deserve to hear directly from us, but it would just crush them,” said power forward LeBron James, adding that he doubted he would even be able to look fans in the eye while completely blindsiding them with the devastating news that the Heat fell to the San Antonio Spurs in five games. “They were so ecstatic after the last two championships—I mean, you should’ve seen the looks on their faces when we told them—so I just don’t want to be the one to break their hearts like this. Maybe Chris [Bosh] can do it; they already hate him anyway.” At press time, Heat players had reportedly agreed to just say they had won the championship since their fans would never know the difference.
Sonny Corleone Would Still Be Alive Today If He Had E-ZPass #~# Over the years, I’ve watched The Godfather more times than I can count. It is, without a doubt, a crown jewel of American cinema. No matter how many times I see it, though, there’s one part I can never make it through without getting a little lump in my throat. That’s because with each viewing, I become more convinced that had Sonny Corleone been driving a car equipped with E-ZPass, he would still be alive today.
Guys’ Weekend Getaway Begins With Daring Purchase Of New Kind Of Beer #~# OTTAWA, IL—In an act of fearless audacity Friday, a group of male friends reportedly began their weekend getaway to Illinois’ Buffalo Rock State Park with the bold and gutsy purchase of a six-pack of Two Brothers Outlaw IPA, a beer none of them had ever tasted before. “It may be risky buying a beer without having previously sampled it, but when the boys and I get together for an epic two-and-a-half days in the great outdoors, risk is all part of the game, my friend,” said Josh Boyle, 28, openly acknowledging the daring new course he and his friends from college were charting by selecting a beverage with which they had absolutely no prior experience. “It could be too bitter. Heck, it could be too fruity. When you venture into unknown territory like this, you never know how it’s going to end—all you know is that it’s going to be one wild ride, so you better hang on tight.” At press time, the men were driving to the park and trying to decide whether listening to an unfamiliar contemporary rock radio station would be “too dicey.”
3 Dozen Chemical, Emotional Responses Activated By Phrase ‘Pigs In A Blanket’ #~# FLIPPIN, AR—Triggering a range of emotional responses that had lain dormant in his psyche for decades, approximately 35 different chemical processes were reportedly activated in the brain of local man Rob Northcutt upon hearing the phrase “pigs in a blanket” Tuesday. According to accounts, within nanoseconds of recognizing the words and calling to mind the dough-wrapped cocktail wieners, the man’s limbic system simultaneously summoned feelings of hunger, joy, envy, desire, and even, somehow, a deep sense of loss. Additionally, the flood of neurotransmitters and flurry of synaptic activity, which reportedly spanned four areas of Northcutt’s temporal lobe, is said to have conjured up a diverse mixture of tastes, smells, sounds, and memories, including that of late-summer sunlight, the sharp aroma of dijon mustard, the pattern on the dishware at his grandparents’ old house, and the chorus of the song “Where Do You Go” by No Mercy, which was playing at a family wedding in 1997 where pigs in a blanket were served. At press time, Northcutt heard the words “German potato salad,” sparking not a single chemical or emotional response and leaving him feeling completely numb.
International Space Station To Get Espresso Machine #~# Astronauts aboard the International Space Station will be getting a new espresso machine in November as part of the Italian Space Agency’s Futura mission. What do you think?
Jurgen Klinsmann Ends Moving Pregame Speech With ‘We’re Probably Going To Lose, Though’ #~# NATAL, BRAZIL—Gathering his players in the locker room ahead of their opening World Cup match against Ghana, U.S. national team manager Jurgen Klinsmann reportedly concluded an emotional and inspirational pregame speech Monday by openly admitting his team would probably lose. “It’s time for us to get out there and show the entire world what we’re made of, but, you know, Ghana will probably win,” Klinsmann reportedly told his players shortly after passionately stressing that they will be playing for every single one of their friends and family members back home. “Some of you have waited your entire lives for this moment, which is a shame, because Ghana is more than likely going to beat us by two or three goals. Because they’re a better team. So, I don’t know—just do your best, I guess.” At press time, reports confirmed that Klinsmann could be heard shouting to his players from the sidelines that even if they miraculously scraped by with a tie, they would almost certainly lose to both Portugal and Germany and be knocked out of the tournament in the group stage.
Starbucks To Pay Baristas’ College Tuition #~# Starbucks announced Monday that as part of an effort to save the American middle class, the coffee chain will pay for baristas working 20 or more hours a week to attend online classes at Arizona State University. What do you think?
Employee Executes Daring 3:30 P.M. Escape From Office #~# BINGHAMTON, NY—In a risky maneuver requiring precise timing and careful preparation, LifeTech Medical Devices employee Trevor Sadler, 32, executed a daring 3:30 p.m. escape from his office Monday afternoon, sources confirmed. “All right, it’s go time,” Sadler said to himself moments before furtively slipping out of his cubicle and taking a circuitous route to the back stairwell leading out to the parking lot where his car would be waiting. “I’m leaving my monitor on, and there’s a full glass of water sitting on my desk so it’ll seem like I’m still in the building. And I won’t bring my laptop bag with me. That way, if anyone sees me leave, I’ll look like I’m just stepping out for a minute. Then I should be home free.” At press time, Sadler had been drawn into an unexpected conversation with a coworker about an upcoming sales meeting, forcing the would-be fugitive to hastily snap the man’s neck and drag his body into the supply closet.
Shocking ‘Game Of Thrones’ Finale Concludes With Arrest Of 5 Million Viewers For Piracy #~# NEW YORK—Following a critically acclaimed 10-episode run, the HBO series Game Of Thrones capped off its fourth season Sunday night with a shocking finale that concluded with 5 million viewers being taken into police custody for pirating the show online. “Wow, you expect some major shakeups in the final episode of the season, but that part right at the end when the FBI kicked in my door and told me to get on the ground? I did not see that coming at all,” Boston resident Peter Herzfeld said of the surprise season-ending turn, which left millions of die-hard fans of the fantasy series in a state of astonishment and disbelief as they were handcuffed by federal law enforcement officials and charged with violating intellectual property law by using BitTorrent and similar file-sharing services. “The last few minutes of the episode were so intense—one moment the show was proceeding along as normal, and the next I was being shoved into the backseat of a police car and driven to a detainment facility. I just sat there completely stunned for a few minutes, trying to process what had happened. That’s classic Game Of Thrones, though: no one’s safe.” The nation’s incarcerated fans told reporters they could not wait to get out of prison after their five-year sentence and recap the startling conclusion with friends and coworkers.
Breaking Down The U.S. World Cup Roster #~# With the United States set to take on Ghana in their first match of the 2014 World Cup, Onion Sports takes a look at the notable players on the U.S. roster:
Ambitious Social Media Startup Has Long-Term 3-Month Plan For Company #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In an announcement that has reportedly set Silicon Valley abuzz, representatives from ambitious social media startup Woo Woo confirmed Monday they had developed a long-term three-month business plan for the future of their firm. “As a company that has, from its very inception nine days ago, been focused on the forefront of interactivity, we at Woo Woo are proud to say we have laid out a rock-solid plan for our company that will guide us for weeks and even months to come,” read a company press release, which refrained from mentioning Woo Woo’s business aims, user features, or general purpose whatsoever, yet included the words “exclusive online community” a total of 63 times. “Though the world of startups is notoriously volatile, we can announce with confidence that our aggressive 90-day strategy will ensure Woo Woo remains a lasting presence in the social media landscape through mid-September and perhaps beyond. With an online platform this disruptive, we are confident that users will flock to us by the millions and will continue to engage with our brand through the entire summer of 2014.” With such an ambitiously long timeline laid out before it, Woo Woo is already in “private beta” and was recently awarded $13 million in seed funding that company officials confirmed will be carefully allocated to inflated executive salaries, break room foosball table maintenance, and a branding division devoted entirely to rhetorically veiling what exactly the company actually does.
Prisoners’ Rights Group Protests Treatment Of Supervillains In Nation’s Magnetic Detainment Cubes #~# WASHINGTON—Decrying the conditions of their incarceration as excessively harsh and inhumane, a leading prisoner advocacy group on Monday officially condemned the treatment of supervillains currently held in the nation’s impenetrable magnetic detainment cubes.
Nation Confident Team USA Can Participate In World Cup #~# WASHINGTON—Insisting that with a roster of this caliber, it was “basically in the bag,” the entire nation expressed their confidence Tuesday that the U.S. men’s national soccer team could very well participate in the 2014 FIFA World Cup. “I know it's still early, but I’m not afraid to call it right now and say that the United States will attend the tournament,” Tempe, AZ resident Dan Freher told reporters from his seat at a Buffalo Wild Wings, echoing the sentiments of millions of soccer fans across America, all of whom were excitedly anticipating a resounding U.S. appearance at the international level. “With [Jurgen] Klinsmann as coach and with seasoned players like Tim Howard and Clint Dempsey leading the way, the U.S. could easily go all the way to the group stage. I know it’s crazy to get my hopes up like this, but I just have this gut feeling that they have a shot at playing in this whole thing.” Freher added that even if the team choked this year, American soccer fans would always have their memories of the 1994 World Cup, when the U.S. handily hosted the entire tournament.
Man Has No Idea What To Do With Good Mood #~# FRANKLIN, WI—Weighing various options for how to proceed given the unexpectedness of the situation, local 33-year-old Trevor Clifford was reportedly at a complete loss as to what he should do Monday after suddenly finding himself in a good mood. “Jeez, do I go outside or call someone up or something? I really have no clue what you’re supposed to do here,” said Clifford, who admitted he couldn’t remember the last time he felt so cheerful or what he did when such a feeling last struck him. “I guess I could eat something, or maybe watch TV. Boy, I don’t want to waste this, but I don’t want to ruin it, either. I’m totally stumped on this.” At press time, Clifford resolved to just stay seated and wait for the mood to pass.
Coast Guard Going To Let Stranded Yacht Owner Sweat It Out Little More #~# LONG BEACH, CA—Though fully intending to assist the man eventually, U.S. Coast Guard authorities opted to let the owner of a 60-foot yacht stranded off the California coast panic a little longer Monday, the crew of the patrol boat Garibaldi announced. “Right now there is a gentleman in a captain’s hat and baby blue polo shirt running all around the deck flailing his arms, and frankly we’d like to watch a little more of that before we come to his aid,” Captain James Todman said of the hapless owner of the pleasure craft named Sea Breeze whom he had been watching through binoculars for the past 40 minutes jumping up and down while frantically setting off an air horn. “He’s fine for now; we’ve got our eye on him. We’re just going to wait for him to try to figure out his flare gun for a little longer and let him shout a couple more ‘maydays’ into the radio before we head over there and hook up the tow rope.” At press time, Todman had given orders to send the Garibaldi toward the disabled yacht and then continue cruising past it, just to see the man’s reaction.
Study: ‘Cool Kids’ Struggle As Adults #~# According to a decade-long study that tracked hundreds of teenagers into adulthood, students who were considered “cool kids” in middle school turned out to have more problems as adults, such as substance abuse and criminal behavior. What do you think?
Facebook Lifts Ban On Breastfeeding Photos #~# After drawing criticism for prohibiting photos of breastfeeding mothers under its no-nipples policy, Facebook has quietly lifted the ban and started allowing mothers to post breastfeeding photos without risk of removal, though all other pictures of nipples, including artistic displays, remain off-limits. What do you think?
Bribery Suspected After 2022 World Cup Moved To Richard Branson’s Backyard #~# ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—With continued controversy surrounding the awarding of the 2022 World Cup, fresh reports of bribery and corruption surfaced Friday after it was revealed that the tournament had been moved from original host country Qatar to the backyard of billionaire business mogul Richard Branson. “The decision to move the World Cup was made solely in the best interests of the sport, and these recent accusations of wrongdoing are simply not true,” FIFA president Sepp Blatter said in response to the allegations, staunchly denying claims that officials from soccer’s international governing body received millions of dollars in kickbacks to host the tournament on Branson’s 2.7-million-square-foot backyard in the remote British Virgin Islands. “In the 84-year history of this competition, the World Cup has never been held on the personal property of Richard Branson, and it will do wonders for growing the sport of football in that region of the world. Sadly, these are all baseless reports intended merely to disrupt our plan to bring the World Cup to new and exciting places.” Before departing the press conference, Blatter then quickly added that the tournament will also be renamed the Branson Cup and broadcast exclusively aboard Virgin Atlantic aircraft.
Woman Who Changed Self To Please Boyfriend Enjoying Happy Long-Term Relationship #~# SPOKANE, WA—Ten months after altering her interests, appearance, behavior, and opinions to please her boyfriend, Michael Gartner, local woman Gabrielle McMullen is now enjoying a happy, lasting relationship with her long-term partner, the cheerful 27-year-old told reporters Friday. “When I first started dating Michael, things were a little tense and uncomfortable because there were aspects of my personality that didn’t appeal to him, but once I suppressed my thoughts and feelings and completely changed who I am, everything got better,” McMullen said of her formerly flagging romance, which was blissfully revived the instant the quiet and introverted woman began forcing herself to attend loud parties, switched her typically understated dress in favor of more feminine and revealing clothing, and resolved to abandon her passion for activities and issues that held no interest for her boyfriend. “Michael was clearly unhappy because he wanted me to be a different person from who I am, so all I had to do was take note of what he did and didn’t like about me and mold myself into a person who satisfied all his requirements. That really helped resolve a lot of our issues, which is why almost a year later our relationship is better than ever.” Noting that she didn’t want to get her hopes up just yet, McMullen added that if Gartner popped the question, she could definitely see herself being someone else for him for the rest of her life.
More Corporations Using Tag And Release Programs To Study American Consumers #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to more closely observe the group’s buying habits and personal behaviors, a growing number of corporations are turning to tag and release programs to study American consumers, sources confirmed Friday.
Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’ #~# OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked is truly magical, sources confirmed Thursday. “The ticket prices are a little high, but I promise you it’s worth every single penny,” said Warner, voicing the assertion she’s made every year since viewing the play in 2005 that you don’t have to be into musicals to enjoy the show. “The costumes, the sets, the music—everything’s gorgeous. The standing ovation probably went on for 10 minutes. I’d see it again in a heartbeat.” At press time, Warner was telling relatives that if they saw Wicked in New York, they should have dinner at this nice steakhouse whose name was escaping her at the moment, noting that the food there was to die for and that it was really close to the theater, too.
U.S. Coach: America Will Not Win World Cup #~# As the 2014 FIFA World Cup kicks off today in Brazil, U.S. coach Jürgen Klinsmann is taking flak for stating at a press conference that “For us now, talking about winning a World Cup is just not realistic,” a comment that many U.S. fans have viewed as defeatist and un-American. What do you think?
Resigning House Leader Cantor Reflects On All The Accomplishments He Thwarted #~# WASHINGTON—Looking back on his 13-year tenure in the House of Representatives with reverence, resigning House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) reflected on the long list of accomplishments he had thwarted during his time in office, sources confirmed Thursday. “From obstructing a jobs bill to put Americans back to work in 2011, to derailing gun control measures any time they reached my desk, I feel blessed to have had such an incredible run of preventing productive policies, and even a few pieces of landmark legislation, from ever passing,” said Cantor, explaining that as a young man, he “never would have dreamed” that some day he would be in a position to hinder the entire American lawmaking process and completely neuter dozens of bills. “Of course, I’m disappointed because I thought I had many more years of impeding accomplishments ahead of me, and I’ll be the first to admit that I never quite managed to stall environmental policies as much as I would have liked. But at the end of the day, I’m very proud of how I helped Congress accomplish so little during my time in office.” Cantor added that he took solace that his legacy of hampering federal policy was secure, and trusted that “many, many more” in his party would be inspired to follow in his footsteps.
Nation’s Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts #~# WASHINGTON—According to incoming reports from beaches and pools across the country this week, lifeguard tryouts were once again a breeze for the nation’s Blakes. “According to our figures, Blakes from coast to coast have secured more than half of all available lifeguarding jobs, cruising through fitness, CPR, and swimming trials with ease,” American Red Cross president Gail McGovern said, adding that the lifeguard staffs at over 200 municipal pools, seashores, and water parks would be composed entirely of Blakes this summer. “And in addition to Blakes, the country’s Bryces, Gavins, and Rykers also had no trouble passing the various tests. Although, as usual, not a single Saul was offered a position.” At press time, the nation’s Blakes were putting on a pair of wraparound Oakley sunglasses and twirling a lanyard keychain around their fingers.
Warm Weather Finally Allows Man To Get Outside, Explore New Ways To Sweat #~# CHICAGO—With the long winter over and summer weather finally arriving, local man Bill Klocek told reporters Thursday that he was glad to finally get out of the house, walk around a bit, and discover entirely new ways to sweat. “This time of year, there are so many street fairs, farmers markets, and music festivals that offer great opportunities to just drench myself in my own sweat,” said Klocek, who added that he especially looks forward to perspiring heavily at restaurants with outdoor seating, on road trips, at baseball games, and at his parents’ cabin in Lake Geneva, WI. “There’s really no excuse for avoiding it. Practically all you have to do is step out your front door and you can sweat completely through your shirt. My friend is having a party on his roof deck tonight, so I’m thinking about heading over and feeling sweat drip down my face and back at his place a little later.” In addition to getting sweaty, Klocek stated that he also plans to set aside a little time this summer to explore entirely new ways to get sunburnt and thirsty.
Winner Of World Cup Hammered Out Just In Time For Tournament #~# SÃO PAULO, BRAZIL—With only hours to go before Thursday’s opening match between Brazil and Croatia, sources confirmed that FIFA officials managed to hammer out the winner of the World Cup just in time for the tournament. “It was a close call, but we finally ironed out which country will win the World Cup on July 13,” FIFA president Sepp Blatter told reporters, emphasizing that while he and his colleagues had procrastinated in fixing the results of all 64 matches, the tournament organizers, referees, and the coaches and players from every team are “fully on board” with the predetermined outcomes following extensive negotiations. “I can’t reveal too much right now, but I can assure you that this tournament is going to feature huge upsets, thrilling stoppage time goals, and more than a few surprises for the fans. It’s going to be a wonderful World Cup.” Blatter added that he was eager to avoid a repeat of the 2010 World Cup, in which several matches were played without a winner having been previously determined, resulting in hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost bribes.
Man Nothing But Lumbering Golem Of Rewards Cards #~# HENDERSON, NV—Aghast at the hulking, shapeless being that lurched toward the registers, cashiers at the local Green Valley Parkway’s Walgreens confirmed Thursday that the soulless mass shambling down the aisle was nothing but a lumbering golem of rewards cards. “Do you have a Balance Rewards card with us, sir?” said cashier Matt Hershlag, 25, before scanning one of the loosely hanging cards that formed the body of the immense supernatural creature who, sources confirmed, was more plastic and barcodes than man. “Thanks. That’ll be $8.49.” At press time, the towering anthropomorphic heap of loyalty cards had paused to search his Sprite bottle purchase for a My Coke Rewards product code in hopes of winning a free six-pack.
Starbucks Adding Grilled Cheese To Menu #~# To compete with rivals like Dunkin’ Donuts that sell lunch items, Starbucks has announced they will add grilled cheese sandwiches to their menu for $5.25, in addition to a turkey pesto panini on focaccia for $5.95. What do you think?
Townsperson In Online RPG Universe Figures Shield, Gold Pieces Should Be Safe In Barrel #~# CRAGLORN, TAMRIEL—Dusting off his hands with satisfaction before starting again on his path through the Dragontail Mountains, sources confirmed Monday that online RPG townsperson Geldrion Treehelm remained confident his earthly possessions of an iron shield and 221 gold pieces were safe and secure inside an old barrel. “There, that ought to do it,” Treehelm reportedly said to himself as he set the loose-fitting wooden lid back onto the barrel now stuffed with the entirety of his hard-earned fortune, pushing the unsecured cask into the dimmest corner of the room so as to render it completely innocuous and ensure its contents would never be plundered by any travelers wandering the area. “Even if I encounter some thieves on my way through the mountain pass, all I have to do is come back to this barrel and regain all my wealth and weaponry. Talk about clever. With this kind of quick thinking, it’s no wonder I’m already a level 43.” At press time, sources confirmed that while his quest was bound to be a harrowing one, Treehelm himself was not at all worried about the mortal dangers he’d face, equipped as he was with his loyal Mudcrab pet, a strip of leather, and a book of lore.
5-Star Resort For Dogs Opens In Spain #~# A new five-star hotel for dogs called the Resort Canino Can Janè has opened near Barcelona with features that include a world-class swimming pool with slides and fountains specially designed for canines. What do you think?
Dad Not Going To Pay Someone To Fix Marriage When He Can Do It Himself #~# FREDERICK, VA—Scoffing at the idea of letting some so-called expert charge him an arm and a leg, local father Dave Gordin told reporters Wednesday that he is fully capable of fixing his marriage himself. “I’ve got pretty much everything I need to patch this thing up right here at home,” said Godin, adding he could always run out to the bookstore for any relationship guides he might need to get the marriage back up and running smoothly. “These phony professionals are just going to rip you off, and half the time they leave your marriage in worse shape than it was before. It’s usually just a small issue with communication anyway, so I’ll just open up emotionally and it’ll be good as new. It’s nothing I can’t knock out in a week or two.” At press time, a frustrated Godin was beginning to wonder if it might be easier to just scrap this marriage and go out and get a new one.
Impoverished Child In Third World Dreams About One Day Leaving Light On For No Reason #~# DHAKA, BANGLADESH—Calling the luxury an extravagance that he can’t begin to imagine, impoverished Bangladeshi child Sourav Munshi told reporters Wednesday that he dreams of one day being able to leave a light on for absolutely no reason at all. “Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to leave my home and forget to turn off a floor lamp, or even see that it’s still on and not even bother to do anything about it,” said the 8-year-old who lacks access to clean water, proper sanitation, and suitable shelter, confirming that he also often daydreams of exiting the living room for several hours without shutting off the television. “I really just wish that one day I could know what it’s like to have a computer and three or four other electronic devices that I leave plugged in overnight even if they’re fully charged. Imagine that.” Munshi also said that he has his heart set on buying an expensive small appliance or technological gadget that he’ll never use or even remove from its packaging before tossing it in his junk closet.
Nation’s Cable Companies Announce They’re Just Going To Take $100 From Everyone #~# NEW YORK—Offering no justification for the action aside from their own desire to do so, executives from the nation’s leading cable companies announced plans Wednesday to take $100 from every one of their subscribers. “At midnight EST tonight, we will deduct exactly $100 from each of our customers’ accounts and, frankly, there is nothing that anyone can do about it,” said Comcast President and CEO Brian L. Roberts in a morning press conference, flanked by like-minded executives from Time Warner, Dish Network, Cox, and numerous other cable companies, all of whom confirmed the non-refundable $100 charge would apply to all subscribers regardless of service package and would most certainly not be applied as credit toward future charges to the account. “The bottom line is we want $100 from you, so we’re just going to take it. As a cable subscriber, you really have no other option here. And we’ll probably do it again in a few weeks, too.” The cable company CEOs added that any subscriber who was dissatisfied with the plan was more than welcome to call their customer service lines.
L.A. Mayor Pledges To Eat Sackful Of New York Garbage If Kings Lose Stanley Cup #~# LOS ANGELES—In keeping with the traditional friendly wager that typically accompanies the Stanley Cup Finals, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti announced Wednesday that he has pledged to eat an entire sackful of New York City garbage if the Kings lose the series. “With the Kings just one victory away from the Cup, I thought I’d make things interesting by promising to chow down on some of the Big Apple’s finest refuse if the Rangers manage to come back from three games down and beat us,” Garcetti told reporters, noting that in the event that the Rangers win the championship, the conditions of his bet with New York mayor Bill de Blasio require him to don a Henrik Lundqvist jersey and consume the contents of a trash bag filled to the brim with rotten food, cigarette butts, empty milk cartons dripping with an unidentified brown liquid, and other waste from all five boroughs. “Fortunately, I don’t think it’s going to come to that, not with our Kings on the ice representing the greatest city in the world. But, hey, may the best team win. Go Kings Go!” Garcetti went on to say that should L.A. prevail in the finals, de Blasio must accede to the terms of the wager by choking down an entire Hawaiian BBQ Chicken pizza from California Pizza Kitchen.
Universal Studios, Warner Bros. Enter Talks To Reduce Stockpiles Of Unproduced Reboots #~# LOS ANGELES—Conceding the time has come to limit the proliferation of new movies that simply rehash old ones, Universal Studios and Warner Bros. have entered bilateral talks to reduce their considerable stockpiles of unproduced reboots, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Child Entertained For 5 Minutes By Plastic Toy That Will Take 1,000 Years To Biodegrade #~# GREELEY, CO—Playing with the brand-new toy he received Wednesday, local 4-year-old Alex Strickland was entertained for five minutes by a plastic truck that will not biodegrade for another 10 centuries, sources confirmed. “Vroooom!” Strickland said before growing bored and tossing aside the toy that contains 11 separate plastic parts, each of which will outlive everyone on earth by dozens of generations. “I want to play something else now. Where are my Transformers?” At press time, sources confirmed that Strickland was enjoying Kool-Aid from a styrofoam cup that will outlast the toy by another million years.
Study: Average American Tries Getting Out Of 10,000 Things Each Year #~# EVANSTON, IL—A new study out this week from psychologists at Northwestern University has calculated that Americans attempt to evade an average of 10,000 social engagements, family obligations, and other commitments every year. “Whether it’s taking their car in for maintenance, helping a friend move, saving for retirement, or washing the dishes, the majority of U.S. residents try to back out of at least 27 things a day, or more than one obligation per hour,” the study’s authors wrote in the Journal Of Interpersonal Dynamics, noting that citizens spend an average of 30 hours per week mentally devising ways to dodge commitments they’ve already made. “Americans work tirelessly at getting out of things, even when it’s something they themselves planned, such as a doctor’s appointment, a drink with a friend, or a meeting at work. Indeed, backpedaling is among the most common actions that Americans perform on a daily basis.” Despite the fact that citizens try to get out of 10,000 things per year, researchers noted that the average American has only four excuses.
Highlights From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir #~# Hillary Clinton’s new book Hard Choices arrived in stores yesterday, offering her personal account of the challenges she faced serving as Secretary of State. Here are some notable revelations from her memoir:
Computer Passes Turing Test, Successfully Impersonates Human #~# A computer program in the U.K. has arguably passed the famous Turing test, an evaluation to determine whether machines can be considered to have artificial intelligence, by convincing one-third of a judging panel that they were chatting with a 13-year-old Ukrainian boy. What do you think?
More Crimes Linked To ‘Slender Man’ Internet Meme #~# Following an incident in which two teenage girls allegedly attacked a friend to honor the fictional internet meme, police are reporting more incidents of violent crime linked to Slender Man, a tall, faceless paranormal creature popularized on sites like Creepypasta. What do you think?
World’s Greatest Soccer Stars Arrive In Brazil For Monthlong Coca-Cola Ad #~# BRASILIA, BRAZIL—With the eyes of the entire world upon them, hundreds of the greatest soccer stars from across the globe have gathered in Brazil for what essentially amounts to a monthlong Coca-Cola ad, sources confirmed Tuesday. “This is a truly special event: the best players on the planet representing dozens of countries, all in one place to basically serve as Coca-Cola spokesmen,” said ESPN soccer analyst Taylor Twellman, adding that a host of international superstars will be participating in the highly anticipated monthlong promotional campaign in which they will have their faces plastered on Diet Coke billboards and appear in commercials juggling a Coke can before catching it with one hand and taking a sip. “Millions of excited fans can watch their favorite players unite on the world’s biggest stage and ultimately put on an elaborate four-week song and dance to sell a soft drink. And this incredible display of cross-branding only comes around every four years, so everyone can’t wait for it to finally get started.”  Reached for comment, notable players such as Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar, and Andres Iniesta all unanimously told reporters “Open Happiness” in over 20 languages.
Man Realizes He Beginning To Stand For Something #~# LINTON, IN—Startled upon realizing he had a genuine interest and viewpoint concerning education reform, local man Greg Woodry told reporters Tuesday that it seemed as if he had begun, ever so slightly, to stand for something.
Can You Recommend A Good WWII Documentary For The More Ample Gentleman? #~# Excuse me, kind sir. I’m sorry to trouble you, but I wonder if you might be willing to assist me in a rather delicate matter. You see, I am in the market for a first-rate documentary concerning the events of the Second World War, but I have not been able to determine whether you stock any titles that would suit my particular needs. As you perhaps have already deduced, I have certain, shall we say, unique requirements that must be accommodated—especially when it comes to documentaries exploring the 20th century’s most pivotal and storied international conflict.
Desperate Barnes & Noble To Give Unlimited Free Tablets To Anyone Who Walks In Store #~# NEW YORK—In a last-ditch effort to entice customers to visit their stores, bookseller Barnes & Noble announced plans Tuesday to immediately begin offering Nook tablets free of charge to anyone who even stepped through the door at one of their retail locations. “With its 9-inch HD display, ultra-light body, and speedy 1.5GHz dual-core processor, the Nook offers consumers an irresistible reason to stop by one of our stores and maybe buy anything at all,” said company spokesman Kyle Leary, reiterating that an unlimited number of the 32GB devices would be available at no cost whatsoever and that customers were not obligated to purchase anything but “definitely, definitely could” if they so chose. “Nooks are excellent for reading in sunlight, and customers can have as many of them as they can fit into their bags. If they’re also interested in browsing the shelves for 10 minutes—or five minutes, that works too—they are absolutely more than welcome. I really can’t express how welcome they are to do that.” Leary added that customers reluctant to enter Barnes & Noble branches entirely would find an open box of tablets in the entryway beside a stack of half-off calendars and Moleskine notebooks.
FDA Orders Warning Labels On Tanning Beds #~# The FDA has moved tanning beds from low-risk to a moderate-risk classification and will require the beds to have warning labels stating they should not be used by minors, citing data showing that 2 million teens, including 3 in 10 suburban high school girls, use tanning beds each year. What do you think?
Passion With Which Child Demanding Balloon Actually Kind Of Inspiring #~# SIMSBURY, CT—Marveling at her singular focus and unflinching determination, onlookers reportedly found themselves feeling inspired Tuesday by the passion with which local 3-year-old Ava Matthews demanded a brightly colored helium balloon. “To see someone so impassioned by something that she’s literally jumping up and down, balling her hands into fists, and screaming for it—it’s incredibly moving and puts into perspective just how much desire has been lacking from my own life,” said Jeremy Citterman, 34, adding that the toddler’s display of longing was all the more affecting given that her parents had to physically restrain her from simply running up and grabbing the object of her craving. “At this point in my life I can’t even imagine wanting anything that badly, let alone getting that worked up about it. I have to say, I’m awestruck.” Citterman later admitted, however, that Matthews’ pleas would have been more convincing had she not been holding a fairy wand and been absolutely covered in melted ice cream.
New Study Finds People Who Sit For At Least 5 Hours Each Day Are Comfier #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—A study released Monday by physicians at the Pennington Biomedical Research Center has concluded that people who spend five or more hours per day sitting are significantly more likely to be comfy than those who do not. “Our clinical trials indicate that individuals whose lifestyles involve sitting for less than two hours a day experience far less comfiness than those who sit for longer periods,” said the study’s head researcher Dr. Stan McGuinness, adding that seated individuals are up to 20 times as likely to be comfy as their standing counterparts. “They enjoy a greater number of comfy sensations in their lower torso and leg regions, whereas people who stand for extended periods often develop symptoms such as achy muscles and uncomfy feet. Interestingly, the comfiest people of all are those who sit for most of the day and then spend eight hours or more lying down.” McGuinness went on to state that in addition to being comfy, those lying down tend to be far cozier and, in many cases, snugglier.
Increasingly Anxious Man Worried Order Confirmation Email Never Going To Come #~# AUGUSTA, ME—Nervously refreshing his inbox every five to 10 seconds, local man Gabe Hines was rapidly losing hope that his confirmation email from an online retailer would ever arrive, sources confirmed Monday. “Jeez, where is it?” said Hines, mentally berating himself for having closed the tab that contained his order confirmation number as he futilely checked his spam folder for the fifth time. “It came through instantly last time. Come on, what’s the holdup?” At press time, Hines’ spirits were elevated and then immediately crushed when a new message that appeared in his inbox turned out to merely be an email from his mother.
Justin Bieber Baptized In NYC Bathtub #~# Pop star Justin Bieber was baptized in a friend’s bathtub this weekend after weeks of Bible study and church services, with celebrity blogs reporting that the 20-year-old sought spiritual guidance in an attempt to wash away his sins following a scandal in which videos emerged of him using racial slurs. What do you think?
States Now Offering Millions In Tax Breaks To Any Person Who Says ‘High-Tech Jobs’ #~# ST. PAUL, MN—In an effort to spur their local economies, many state governments are now offering tens of millions of dollars in tax breaks to any person who simply says the words “high-tech jobs,” according to a survey by the Pew Research Center published Monday. “We must do what it takes to draw potential innovators to the great state of Minnesota, which means granting lucrative tax credits and loan guarantees to any individual—whoever they may be—who utters the phrase ‘high-tech jobs’ in any context whatsoever,” said Minnesota governor Mark Dayton, whose office has reportedly joined numerous other states in doling out tax exclusions, low-interest municipal loans, full income tax exemption for 10 years or more, and other valuable incentives to thousands of people who have spoken such phrases as “biotech,” “innovation center,” “high-skilled workers,” and “tomorrow’s economy.” “Anyone who can say those words will get all the taxpayer-financed assistance they want, no questions asked. We can also provide tax-free property and generous relocation packages to anyone who recites the phrase ‘regional technology hub.’ Heck, we’ll raze a nice big plot of land for you in any city in the state at your request. Seriously, we’ll do whatever you want—don’t be afraid to ask.” Economic experts told reporters that the new incentive programs aim to replicate the success achieved by the municipalities of California’s Silicon Valley, which in the 1970s established the area as the world’s technological epicenter by offering production subsidies to anyone who mentioned the word “computer.”
Report: More Couples Getting Social Media Prenups #~# According to a report by ABC News, more couples are opting to include social media clauses in their prenuptial agreements dictating what their spouses can and can’t post online, with some couples including fines as steep as $50,000 for posting an unflattering picture of their partner. What do you think?
New Charter School Lottery System Gives Each Applicant White Pill, Enrolls Whoever Left Standing #~# NEW YORK—Introducing key changes to the lottery system that governs the admissions process, the New York City Charter School Center notified potential students this week that openings will now be filled by randomly distributing white pills to applicants and enrolling those left standing.
Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa #~# BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa. “This is only the most famous painting in history, for crying out loud. How does this place even call itself a museum?” Bellarico said after visiting every floor of the building and scanning the museum’s complimentary brochure in a fruitless effort to locate the iconic Leonardo da Vinci masterpiece. “Look, when I go to a museum I want to see that soup can painting, the sculpture of the thinking guy, and the Mona Lisa. Not a bunch of freaking quilts. What a scam.” At press time, Bellarico had given up and gone off to look for the dinosaur bones.
Taco Bell Adds ‘Quesarito’ To Official Menu #~# After testing out a new menu item called the quesarito in Oklahoma City to much success, Taco Bell has decided to add the new creation, a beef burrito tucked inside a cheese quesadilla, to its official menu. What do you think?
New Law Enforcement Robot Can Wield Excessive Force Of 5 Human Officers #~# HOUSTON—In an effort to enhance the agency’s capabilities while reducing the burden on its existing force, sources confirmed Friday that the Houston Police Department has developed a new line of law enforcement robots capable of wielding the excessive force of five human officers.
Mom’s Quirky Friend Turns Out To Be Joakim Noah #~# CHICAGO—Saying the lively but awkward stranger had long been something of a mystery, local teen Eric Hewer told reporters Thursday that he recently learned his mother’s quirky friend is in fact Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah. “Mom’s always had this really loud, scruffy friend who seems a little bit off,” said Hewer, 17, adding that even in public, the peculiar acquaintance’s long, curly hair is typically bunched into a messy ponytail or simply left to drape over loose-fitting clothing. “Of course there’s also the high-pitched laugh and his weird gap-toothed grin. At some point, probably when I first heard that awful shrieking, I just realized, ‘Oh, that’s Joakim Noah from the Bulls.’” Hewer added that the revelation has since clarified why his mother’s odd friend constantly bad-mouths Kevin Garnett during any conversation.
Disney Sells Princess Leia Merchandise After Twitter Protest #~# After a group of parents used the Twitter hashtag #WeWantLeia to protest the fact that the Disney Store currently has no Star Wars toys for girls, Disney has announced that it will roll out “several” new items featuring Princess Leia. What do you think?
Live-Action ‘Beauty And The Beast’ In The Works #~# Following the box-office success of the live-action films Maleficent, Oz: The Great and Powerful, and Alice in Wonderland, Disney has announced that it’s planning a live-action version of its 1991 animated classic Beauty and the Beast. What do you think?
Who Is Bowe Bergdahl? #~# Bowe Bergdahl, the American soldier held captive by the Taliban for five years, was released on May 31 in exchange for five Guantanamo Bay detainees. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the former POW:
Report: Half Of All Americans Probably Should Have Thought Of That Before They Opened Their Mouth #~# WASHINGTON—Evaluating millions of randomly selected conversations held over the course of a one-year period, a new report released Thursday by the Brookings Institution confirmed that nearly half of all Americans probably should have thought of that before they opened their mouth. “We discovered that in 47 percent of our cases it didn’t even cross the subject’s mind to consider that before running their damn yap,” said lead researcher Paul Joyner, adding that the investigation found in nearly all instances examined that it’s already out there and now there’s no way in hell to take it back. “Furthermore, the evidence strongly indicates half of all Americans would not have a foot in their mouth right now if they didn’t always feel the need to have the last word. The findings also suggest 52 percent of the nation must feel like a bit of an ass right now.” The report concluded less than 1 percent of Americans would remember any of this before once again blurting out the first stupid thing that came to their mind.
Man Honestly Thinks He’s Going To Get To Bed Early #~# DANBURY, CT—Entertaining outlandish delusions of actually getting in a solid eight hours of sleep, 29-year-old Josh Briner is honestly under the impression that he will be going to bed early, sources confirmed Thursday. “I made sure I had no plans tonight so that I can just turn in at 10 and get some serious rest,” said the poor, naive fool who despite having a laptop next to his bed, four different shows he needs to catch up on, and a proclivity for wasting hours at a time on social media sites is genuinely convinced that he will be asleep at a reasonable hour. “It’ll be nice to wake up feeling refreshed for once.” At press time, Briner reportedly said “fuck it,” resumed watching Sherlock on Netflix, and vowed that tomorrow he’d definitely be in bed by 9.
World’s Supercomputers Release Study Confirming They Are Not Powerful Enough #~# LIVERMORE, CA—Presenting a wide-ranging and extremely detailed case for significant upgrades to their speed and memory, the world’s fastest supercomputers released a new study at precisely 12:00 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time Thursday that concludes they are not powerful enough.
National Park Service Provides Deer Meat To Homeless #~# In response to exploding populations of deer around Washington, D.C. parks, the National Park Service reportedly hired sharpshooters to cull some of the animals and then donated the meat to local homeless shelters. What do you think?
Dad Clarifies This Not A Food Stop #~# DENTON, TX—Stressing that they were there solely to purchase gasoline and use the bathroom if necessary, area dad Mike Whitcomb clarified while pulling into a travel plaza Thursday that this was not a food stop. “We’re here to get gas and that’s it,” Whitcomb said emphatically, adding that his three children were welcome to get out and stretch their legs, but they had better be back in their seats and buckled up by the time he finished filling the tank because he wasn’t waiting around. “I want to be back on the road in five minutes. If you’re hungry, you can have one of the apples your mom brought.” Sources later confirmed area mother Debra Whitcomb had okayed one bag of Chex Mix for everyone to share.
Bill Simmons Ventures Into Interdimensional Vortex To Find Out If LeBron James Could Dominate In Different NBA Eras #~# THE MULTIVERSE—Aiming to settle the longstanding debate over LeBron James’ place within basketball history, Grantland editor-in-chief Bill Simmons reportedly stepped into an interdimensional vortex Thursday to determine if the Miami Heat star would have dominated in other NBA eras.
Study: 1 In 6 Public School Teachers Were ‘Chronically Absent’ Last Year #~# According to a new report from the National Council on Teaching Quality, 1 in 6 public school teachers were “chronically absent” last year, missing 18 school days or more. What do you think?
Rangers Counting On Henrik Lundqvist To Step Up On Offense #~# NEW YORK—Speaking to reporters Wednesday ahead of the Stanley Cup Finals, New York Rangers head coach Alain Vigneault confirmed that veteran goaltender Henrik Lundqvist will need to really step up on offense if the team is to beat the Kings and secure their first championship in two decades. “Henrik is obviously a huge reason we’ve made it this far, but we all know he’ll have to come up big and score some goals if we’re going to stand any chance of beating the Kings,” said Vigneault, stressing that the 32-year-old goaltender will be under considerable pressure to spark the team’s otherwise disappointing power play. “There’s no question that we’re counting on him to create assists and put shots on net. Henrik is our best chance to generate some offense, so if he can’t be a potent goalscoring threat, I don’t know if we can win this series.” Vigneault added that if the team is trailing late in the third period, he will not hesitate to have an empty net and put on backup goalie Cam Talbot in a last-ditch attempt to score an equalizer.
NYPD Offering No-Questions-Asked DVD Drop-Off #~# NEW YORK—Determined to reduce their devastating impact on the local community, the NYPD announced a new amnesty program Wednesday permitting New Yorkers to dispose of their DVDs anonymously and without consequence. “Over the next week, any DVD—from teen horror flicks, to superhero sequels, to two-disc director’s cuts—can be taken to your local police precinct or any of the designated drop-off locations throughout the city, and we will take it off your hands, no questions asked,” Police Commissioner William Bratton told reporters, noting that in its first few hours, the department had already taken several hundred copies of The Lake House off the streets. “We don’t need to know how you got a copy of Wild Wild West, or how many times you’ve watched The Chronicles Of Riddick; just leave them with us and we’ll make sure no one ever uses them again.” The NYPD program comes on the heels of a successful buyback initiative in Philadelphia, which hasn’t reported a single incidence of Patch Adams since March.
Man Updates Little Monologue Recited When Extended Relatives Ask How He’s Doing #~# BOSTON—Realizing that the short, rehearsed speech had not been revised to reflect recent changes in his life, 29-year-old marketing associate Alex Hansen confirmed Wednesday that he had updated the little monologue he delivers every time a member of his extended family asks how he’s doing. “I’ll still start by saying work has been going well and that I’m still in Boston, but I’m tweaking that part about where I live to convey that I have my own apartment now,” Hansen said of the brief but carefully crafted oration he recites almost reflexively when encountering second cousins at family gatherings or receiving the occasional phone call from a grandparent. “The part where I say I’ve been playing on an intramural soccer team once a week doesn’t really seem to land, so I’ve swapped that out with a few seconds on how I’m thinking about running a marathon. And now I’m closing with how I might go to law school—that seems like a pretty strong finish.” Hansen added that it will be easier to simply preserve the portion of the monologue about his girlfriend doing great despite the fact that she broke up with him three months ago.
Investigation Of What Fell Off Nightstand Postponed Until Morning #~# FORT DODGE, IA—Moments after the thud of an unidentified object hitting the floor interrupted him as he was about to drift off to sleep Tuesday, local man Michael Reeves, 32, reportedly decided to postpone the investigation of what fell off his nightstand until the next morning, sources confirmed. “Unh, I’ll deal with it tomorrow,” Reeves reportedly told himself, noting that the unknown item had neither shattered nor made the sound of splashing liquid that would normally prompt him to inspect his bedside area. “It was probably just my wallet or a book. And even if it was my phone, it’s no big deal. It’ll still be there when I wake up.” Following 15 futile minutes of attempting to fall asleep, Reeves reportedly jumped out of bed in frustration, turned on his lamp, and was on his hands and knees probing the ground beside and behind the nightstand.
Bounty Launches Beginner Series For People New To Paper Towels #~# CINCINNATI—In an effort to reach out to first-time paper towel users, Procter & Gamble introduced a beginner series of its Bounty paper towel brand Tuesday specifically designed to assist novices in acclimating to the household cleaning product.
Summer Vacation Vs. Year-Round Schooling #~# Students around the nation are currently anticipating the end of the school year and the start of summer vacation, while some education experts argue that a year-round education system would prevent children from falling behind in school. Here are some arguments from each side of this education debate:
God Wonders What Happens To Humans After They Die #~# THE HEAVENS—Calling it one of the greatest mysteries in life, the Lord God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, admitted Wednesday that He often wonders what happens to human beings after they die.
Study Links Drinking While Pregnant To Being At Kid Rock Concert #~# ROCHESTER, MN—A comprehensive five-year study conducted by researchers at the Mayo Clinic has identified a strong link between heavy drinking during pregnancy and attending a public performance by Detroit-based rap-rocker Kid Rock, officials confirmed Wednesday. “Our survey found that expectant mothers who consumed hard liquor were far more likely to be at a Kid Rock concert than a control group who did not drink,” said Dr. Lawrence Talmage, whose research also indicated that 78.3 percent of women who drank to intoxication while pregnant were wearing shredded T-shirts and riding atop the presumed father’s shoulders during encores of “All Summer Long” and “Bawitdaba.” “Across all three trimesters, drinking three or more alcoholic beverages in less than an hour was highly correlated with going backstage at a Kid Rock show and then getting into a fistfight with another woman in the parking lot.” The study also suggested that combining recreational drug use with drinking during pregnancy made women twice as likely to scream “Sign my titty!” outside the band’s tour bus.
ESPN Now Allowing Second-Year Anchors To Live Off Campus #~# BRISTOL, CT—Reversing a long-held policy requiring their younger television personalities to reside at the network’s sprawling 123-acre headquarters, ESPN announced Wednesday that second-year anchors will now be allowed to live in approved off-campus housing. “It’s just nice to have a little freedom without having any senior producers breathing down your neck all the time,” said sportscaster Jaymee Sire, adding that while she will miss ESPN’s campus meal plan, she’s excited to get a place with several close friends she met during her first year on the SportsCenter set. “The off-campus apartments are kind of dumpy, but it’ll be great not having so many rules. And this way I can finally have a guy stay overnight without having to worry about signing him in first.” At press time, Sire was excitedly choosing an outfit after receiving an invitation to a big kegger at Ed Werner and Bob Ley’s place.
Hurricanes With Female Names Kill More People #~# According to new research, hurricanes given female names tend to be more deadly than ones with male names because people subconsciously assume the former will be less destructive and take fewer safety precautions as a result. What do you think?
How Companies Are Going Green #~# As part of an effort to conserve resources and cultivate an eco-conscious image, many companies across the nation are adopting environmentally friendly business practices. Here are some ways that American corporations plan to go green:
Wife Throws Raw Meat At Casey Kasem’s Daughter #~# The feud between family members of radio personality Casey Kasem escalated after his wife, who was earlier accused of kidnapping the sickly 82-year-old from his L.A. home, allegedly hurled a pound of raw meat at stepdaughter Kerri Kasem and told reporters that she was inspired to do so by a verse from the King James Bible. What do you think?
Deep Down, Area Man Knows He’s Not Done Vomiting #~# NEW YORK—Speaking to reporters while crouched on the floor of his bathroom, local man Brandon Parker confirmed Tuesday that, deep down inside, he knows he has not yet finished vomiting. “I want to believe that I can get up right now and go lie down in bed, but If I’m being honest with myself, I have to admit I’m not done here yet,” said the pallid, perspiring 26-year-old, hovering over the rim of his toilet and acknowledging that, in his heart of hearts, he is fully aware he should stay right where he is. “I just don’t think I could look myself in the eye right now and say, ‘Well, that’s over with. I’m good to go.’ No, this is where I should be.” After several more minutes of silent contemplation, sources reported that Parker convinced himself that he had, in fact, finished vomiting, a position he later reversed in the hallway.
Ready 4 Love #~# It is time.
Residents Plagued By Roving Pack Of Feral Celebrities Living In Hollywood Hills #~# LOS ANGELES—Often spotted rummaging in backyards or skittering across local streets in tattered designer clothing, a roving pack of feral celebrities continues to plague residents living in the Hollywood Hills, sources confirmed Monday.
Study: Cat People Smarter Than Dog People #~# According to a study that looked at traits in 600 college-aged pet owners, while dog owners tended to be more lively, cat owners were more likely to be “non-conformists” and scored higher on intelligence tests than their canine-loving counterparts. What do you think?
Man Planning To Rub Up Against Strangers Wondering Where Train Is Already #~# CHICAGO—Eager to press his genitals against the bodies of fellow travelers during Monday’s rush-hour commute, a frustrated Marc Hadrigan was reportedly waiting on the platform of Chicago’s Montrose rapid transit station and wondering when the next train was going to show up already. “I’ve been standing here 15 minutes at least,” said Hadrigan, 46, adding that he had not seen a sign indicating construction delays and that his erection was now all but gone. “I’m giving it five more minutes, then I’m taking the bus. If I’d done that in the first place, I’d be grinding against someone right now.” At press time, Hadrigan had missed the bus and was this close to walking and just groping somebody on a crowded sidewalk.
White House Swaps With Taliban To Free U.S. Soldier #~# The Obama administration has reached a deal with Taliban leaders to release Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, the last American prisoner of war in Afghanistan, in exchange for five Guantanamo Bay detainees, a decision that has been criticized by GOP leaders who argue that it violates the nation’s policy of not negotiating with terrorists. What do you think?
The Case For And Against NSA Surveillance Online #~# Newly leaked documents have revealed that the National Security Agency is gathering electronic images of Americans and using facial recognition technology to identify individuals, escalating ongoing arguments about whether domestic surveillance is a necessary security measure or a violation of privacy. Here are the leading arguments for and against the NSA’s surveillance programs:
Rest Of World Not Biting On Couple’s Open Relationship #~# SAN JACINTO, CA—Despite local married couple Jim and Nancy McFadden’s recent decision to seek new romantic partners while still staying together, sources reported Monday that the rest of the world’s population is not exactly jumping at the chance to partake in the open relationship. “No thanks, we’re good,” 7.1 billion global inhabitants of every age, race, and sexual orientation reportedly said to the husband and wife of four years following word of their new romantic arrangement. “We understand the offer’s out there but, yeah, we’re just going to take a pass on this one.” According to reports, a few thousand international citizens were momentarily rethinking the proposition, before reading the couple’s respective Craigslist ads and saying “Nah.”
Single Most Replaceable Person In Company Will Walk If He Doesn’t Get Raise #~# WAUKEGAN, IL—Though he has limited skills and performs his job adequately at best, the single most replaceable person at Lucas Research Associates announced Monday that he will resign immediately if he does not receive the salary increase he has demanded. “I walked into [department supervisor Eric] Shaw’s office and told him I get a 10 percent raise or I’m out of here,” said Stanley Morgenstern, 37, who according to company sources holds a position that would immediately draw hundreds of equally qualified applicants were it to become vacant. “I am not bluffing. If they say no, that’s it—I’m gone.” At press time, reports confirmed that negotiations had ended with Morgenstern agreeing to stay on for two weeks in order to train his replacement.
New EPA Regulations Would Force Power Plants To Find 30% More Loopholes By 2030 #~# WASHINGTON—Announcing one of the broadest reforms to the nation’s energy policy in decades, the Environmental Protection Agency introduced sweeping new regulations Monday that will require all power plants to find 30 percent more loopholes by the year 2030. “By setting this strict regulatory standard, we are ensuring that the operators of fossil-fuel power plants take proactive steps to uncover and exploit even more technicalities and exemptions in the federal code in the coming decades,” said EPA administrator Gina McCarthy, who pointed to strict loophole quotas that will force electrical utilities to pursue more efficient ways of bypassing rules, prompting a boom in energy sector research into how to take advantage of flexible state-by-state deadlines and ways to grandfather in exemptions for particular coal-burning plants. “The country’s power facilities must adopt a drastic new approach when it comes to how they deftly slide around environmental law. Through utilizing new and inventive means of circumventing the requirements—including innovations in legal maneuvering that tie the new rules up in the courts for years—these polluters will be able to finagle a way to continue releasing carbon dioxide, mercury, and other toxins into the air for the foreseeable future.” McCarthy stated that the EPA’s new regulations would cost the energy industry between $7.3 billion and $8.8 billion annually over the next few years, primarily in political donations to candidates who will ensure the regulations are fully repealed.
Man Holding Giant Turkey Leg Never Been More Captivating In Entire Life #~# CINCINNATI—Basking in the sudden attention of strangers who have slowed in their tracks to look at him, smiled in his direction, and occasionally approached him at a local street festival Monday, local man Kurt Duddridge has reportedly never been more magnetic in his entire life, a fact owing to his possession of a giant turkey leg. “Hey, that looks awesome,” said Allen Hayes, one of dozens of captivated passersby, who according to sources was so intrigued by Duddridge and his magnificent snack that he felt compelled to ask about it. “Where’d you get that?” At press time, Duddridge had reportedly finished his turkey leg, tossed away the bone, and reverted to his usual faceless self.
Cavaliers GM Believes Joel Embiid Perfect Prospect To Build Medical Team Around #~# CLEVELAND—With draft day fast approaching, Cleveland Cavaliers general manager David Griffin told reporters Monday that he believes prospective number-one pick Joel Embiid is the perfect player to build a medical team around. “When I look at Joel, I see a basketball player who has exactly what we need to take our medical team to the next level,” said Griffin, emphasizing that Embiid represents a core around which Cleveland can bring together a skilled group of doctors, surgeons, and physical therapists. “He’s the nucleus. When you’ve got an athlete like that, you put your medical personnel in place to do great things. Sure, [2013 draft pick] Anthony Bennett led to us getting an expert orthopedist, but having Joel on our roster will allow us to put in place a solid team of medical professionals who will thrive here for years to come.” Griffin added that, provided both Embiid and his physicians perform as expected this season, the Cavaliers will be in the perfect position to once again secure the number-one overall pick in the 2015 NBA Draft.
Obama Already Knows Who He’s Going To Tear Apart In Memoir #~# WASHINGTON—With two and a half years remaining in his second term, President Obama told reporters Monday he can already say exactly whom he will rip to pieces in his eventual post-presidency memoir. “Oh man, [former Health and Human Services secretary Kathleen] Sebelius is going to get it first, and then I’ll just keep going right on down the line,” Obama confirmed, adding that he has already mentally prepared “a good 30 pages” on Joe Lieberman and has slated an entire chapter for Eric Cantor. “Then there’s Stanley McChrystal, Leon Panetta, Andrew Breitbart, Eric Shinseki, Anthony Kennedy, Edward Snowden, Tom Daschle, Aaron Sorkin, the Catholic Archdiocese of New York, Orly Taitz, Hamid Karzai, and Chelsea Manning. Damn, at this rate I might need two volumes.” Obama added that he also had a few choice words for the “asshole” who yells out “Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.”
49-Year-Old Nearly Back To Pre-Middle-School Confidence Levels #~# BELTSVILLE, MD—More than three decades after attending and graduating from High Point Middle School, area 49-year-old Dean Whitaker announced this week that his confidence levels had nearly returned to their pre-junior-high levels. “At this point, my self-image has almost recovered to where it was when I first set foot in Mrs. Currier’s sixth-grade homeroom, and I’m getting close to being able to approach a group of my peers and engage them in conversation without fear they will silently judge me or make fun of me to my face,” Whitaker told reporters, confirming that while he’s “not quite there yet,” he’s optimistic that he will eventually regain the amount of self-assurance he possessed at age 11. “I’ve just about worked through the self-doubt, and hopefully it won’t be too much longer before I can openly discuss the kinds of music I like or people I might be interested in dating. If everything keeps progressing, I think I’m only a few more years away.” Whitaker admitted, however, that he doesn’t ever expect to get back to his second-grade self, explaining that in those days he had actually been capable of experiencing pure, uncomplicated happiness.
Study: Dads Who Do Dishes Have More Ambitious Daughters #~# According to a new study, the daughters of men who regularly wash the dishes are more likely to aim for prestigious professions in a wider range of fields than the daughters of parents who don’t share domestic chores equitably. What do you think?
‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ Filming Angers Bird Experts #~# After production on Stars Wars: Episode VII moved to a remote island off the coast of Ireland, ornithologists and wildlife conservationists expressed anger at J.J. Abrams and the production crew over concerns that filming disrupted the mating rituals of local bird populations like puffins and peregrine falcons. What do you think?
Report Finds Children Of Parents Often Become Parents Themselves #~# COLUMBIA, MO—Confirming conventional wisdom on the topic, a report published this week by researchers at the University of Missouri determined that children of parents in many cases go on to one day become parents themselves. “While we expected to find a correlation between growing up around parents and becoming a parent later in life, we did not realize just how overwhelming the connection would be, with well over 80 percent of children of parents eventually taking up parenting themselves,” said the study’s lead author, Martha Cantrell, who examined the backgrounds of 15,000 parents and found that nearly all had grown up in homes where they were exposed to child-rearing on a daily basis. “It’s not surprising that these kids end up on the path to parenting. Children are bound to replicate this behavior as adults, though some actually start as early as high school.” Cantrell added that the best hope for breaking the cycle was for parents to quit raising their child as early as possible.
Experts Warn Situation In Gaza Will Get Worse Before It Gets Much Worse #~# GAZA CITY—Following three weeks of escalating bloodshed throughout the Gaza Strip, experts on the conflict warned Thursday that it will only get worse before it gets far worse. “With increasing bombardment and ground fighting, and no sign of a ceasefire in sight, it’s clear that the situation in Gaza will unfortunately continue to deteriorate before it can finally take a turn for the truly horrific,” said Institute for Palestine Studies senior fellow Nadia Hijab, predicting that, with the deaths of more than 1,300 people and the displacement of approximately 500,000 Palestinians, it seemed likely that the violence would only get more severe before the two sides are ultimately able to agree on intensifying it still further. “Neither Hamas nor Israeli forces are showing any sign of letting up, and I fear that only when this crisis reaches a low point will it finally descend to a point even lower than that.” Hijab added that, as the conflict continues to worsen, the United States may have no choice but to ramp up its effectively nonexistent diplomatic efforts and do absolutely nothing.
Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask To Use In Place Of Makeup #~# NEW YORK—Touting it as their most stylish and advanced beauty product to date, officials from global cosmetics brand Maybelline unveiled Thursday the Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask, a flexible facial covering that can be worn over the head in lieu of makeup. “Instead of spending hours each morning applying multiple cosmetic products, now women can simply roll out of bed, grab their stunning latex polymer beauty mask that has been molded to accepted standards of female beauty, and stretch it snugly over their face and hair,” Maybelline spokeswoman Jessica Healy said of the one-size-fits-all contoured masks, which designers carefully crafted with rouged cheeks, pouty full lips, high cheekbones, and a small taut chin for maximum physical appeal. “In the short time it takes to line up the mask’s mouth, nose, and eye holes with your own features, you’ll easily achieve a look that would have otherwise taken hours to create, allowing you to confidently go through the day without ever having to pause to reapply.” Maybelline executives noted that the Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask is only available in Caucasian.
Report: All Things Aside, American Flag Still Looks Pretty Good Majestically Billowing In Wind #~# WILLIAMSBURG, VA—Noting how striking its bold colors appear framed against the blue of the daytime sky, a report published Thursday by the College of William & Mary concluded that, all things aside, the American flag still looks pretty amazing when it billows in a steady breeze. “We found that if people simply look at those stars and stripes swelling and unfurling in the wind and can just separate themselves from whatever might be called to mind, the American flag remains a spectacular sight to behold,” said lead researcher Andrew Hamill, adding that whether it is set against a sunset atop a hill, rippling gently outside a family home, or waving from a float in a Memorial Day parade, the U.S. flag—just the flag by itself, without any of the associated thoughts or feelings that might come with it—has an undeniably august quality. “There is still something moving and beautiful about the sight of Old Glory fluttering high above and the sound of her fabric rustling and snapping in the wind, provided you push everything else to the side. So long as you can just focus on the flag and the flag alone, she’s still something special.” The report further confirmed that regardless of connotation or symbolism, the British Union Jack invariably looks cool.
Psychology Comes To Halt As Weary Researchers Say The Mind Cannot Possibly Study Itself #~# NEW YORK—The field of psychology was brought to an immediate halt this week as disillusioned and weary practitioners of the discipline reportedly concluded that the mind could never possibly hope to study itself.
GlaxoSmithKline Releases New Drug To Treat People Who Just Feel Sort Of Weird Sometimes #~# LONDON—In an effort to alleviate the vague, passing sensation of restlessness and unease that inexplicably afflicts thousands of people each day, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline released a new drug Wednesday specially formulated to treat the symptoms of individuals who just feel sort of weird sometimes. “This new medication will offer millions of people relief from feeling kind of ‘off’ for a reason they can’t quite explain,” GSK chief executive Andrew Witty said of the new drug, Placidex, which reportedly provides relief to individuals who every so often wake up with a sense of being a little out of it, a common malady that, according to pharmacologists, can last anywhere from just a few minutes to an entire afternoon. “One daily tablet will help alleviate the uncomfortable feeling people sometimes get when everything seems just a little bit out of sync. You know, when you’re not quite tired, exactly, but you definitely don’t feel 100 percent alert, and everything’s just kind of…disconnected, I guess? You know what I’m talking about, right?” According to industry sources, Placidex will be followed up by a new drug for individuals who are perfectly happy and are enjoying normal, healthy lives.
New Study Finds Running For 20 Minutes Each Day Could Add Years Of Soreness To Life #~# EAST LANSING, MI—According to a study released Wednesday by doctors at Michigan State University, running for 20 minutes every day was found to be effective in adding several years of soreness to people’s lives. “We found that individuals do not need to exercise very much on a daily basis to increase the number of years they live in dull, aching pain,” lead author Dr. Justin Gallo said of the study, which found that for every 10 minutes spent running per day, subjects could expect to gain an additional year of stiffness and discomfort in their calves, glutes, and thighs. “Even subjects who jog just five to 10 minutes a day are likely to see an appreciable increase in the amount of time they live with radiating hip pain and throbbing in their knees. The real takeaway from our research is that just getting off the couch once a day may be enough to give you one or two more years of clutching at your lower back and wincing.” The study further noted that individuals who engage in strenuous runs of five miles or more every day of the week, regardless of temperature and weather conditions, were able to add, on average, an additional decade of being actively despised by acquaintances, coworkers, and casual onlookers to their lives.
Men Think Women Who Listen To Them Are Sexier #~# According to a new study, men are more likely to be sexually attracted to women who listen to them and show “responsiveness” by being aware of what they are thinking and feeling, while female subjects were more likely to view responsiveness as a trick to get them to have sex. What do you think?
Rookie Infielder Still Learning Names Of Every Base #~# PHOENIX—Admitting that it has taken him a while to get fully oriented since being called up to the majors, rookie Arizona Diamondbacks shortstop Chris Owings confirmed Wednesday that he is still attempting to learn and memorize the names of all four bases. “I know first—that one’s pretty easy—but after that, things start to get a little tricky,” the first-year infielder told reporters, noting that his lack of familiarity with the baseball diamond often forces him to refer to a base by simply pointing at it and saying “that one.” “And I can usually remember side base and middle base, but sometimes, I blank on those, too. There are just so many of them that it’s easy to get confused.” Owings expressed his relief, however, to learn that, like him, many of his Diamondbacks teammates are unable to figure out the difference between right and left field.
Feds: McDonald’s Responsible For Welfare Of Franchise Workers #~# The National Labor Relations Board ruled Tuesday that even if a McDonald’s restaurant is operated by a franchise, the fast food chain is still jointly responsible for the welfare of its workers, and is liable for wage and other labor violations. What do you think?
Experts: Ebola Vaccine At Least 50 White People Away #~# CONAKRY, GUINEA—With the death toll in West Africa continuing to rise amid a new outbreak of the Ebola virus, leading medical experts announced Wednesday that a vaccine for the deadly disease is still at least 50 white people from being developed. “While all measures are being taken to contain the spread of the contagion, an effective, safe, and reliable Ebola inoculation unfortunately remains roughly 50 to 60 white people away, if not more,” said Tulane University pathologist Gregory Wensmann, adding that while progress has been made over the course of the last two or three white people, a potential Ebola vaccination is still many more white people off. “We are confident, however, that with each passing white person, we’re moving closer to an eventual antigenic that will prevent and possibly even eradicate the disease.” Wensmann said he remained optimistic that the vaccine would not take considerably longer than his prediction, as waiting more than 50 white people for an effective preventative measure was something the world would simply not allow.
Americans Demand New Form Of Media To Bridge Entertainment Gap While Looking From Laptop To Phone #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing their growing frustration with the “unacceptable” wait experienced while looking from one electronic device to another, millions of Americans nationwide reportedly demanded a new form of media Wednesday to bridge the entertainment gap they endure while turning their heads from their laptops to their cell phones.
Patient Zero Kicking Back In 38C With Episode Of ‘New Girl’ #~# ATLANTA—Reclining his seat and switching on his iPad as his plane reached cruising altitude Wednesday, United Airlines passenger and Patient Zero of a highly infectious disease, Chris McCann, reportedly kicked back in seat 38C on his flight from Atlanta to Salt Lake City with a few episodes of the Fox sitcom New Girl. “I’ll take a ginger ale,” said the first human in existence to contract the lethal strain of the airborne virus, before reaching across his seatmate, taking his beverage from the flight attendant, and settling back into the show. “And you don’t have a blanket, do you? That’d be great when you get a chance.” At press time, the source of the deadly contagion was working his way down the full length of the aisle toward the restroom.
Hillary Clinton Spends Busy Day Fueling Speculation, Not Ruling Things Out #~# WASHINGTON—Capping off a packed week of weighing options and giving serious thought, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton spent a busy day in Washington fueling speculation and not ruling things out, her spokesman confirmed today. “After dedicating a few hours in the morning to drawing a lot of focus, laying groundwork, and calculating risks, Mrs. Clinton conducted a full afternoon of taking stock of and thinking it through, as well as several hours of careful considering,” Clinton press aide Nick Merrill said of the 66-year-old’s breakneck schedule of entertaining various possibilities and seeing all sides. “Between looking ahead and setting the stage, Mrs. Clinton has been putting in 18-hour days of late. No sooner has she finished up an evening’s worth of hinting at than she has to wake up the next morning at 6 a.m. and resume being touted as.” At press time, sources reported that Clinton was trying to squeeze in several more minutes of not rushing to decisions before sparking rumors and generating buzz.
Study Finds College Still More Worthwhile Than Spending 4 Years Chained To Radiator #~# WASHINGTON—A study published Wednesday by the National Education Association has determined that a four-year college education is still a better investment of one’s time and money than spending the same duration chained to a radiator in a dank, unlit basement. “Compared to the intellectual stimulation and personal growth achieved in a university setting, there is less to be gained from 48 months in which one is tightly shackled about the ankle and connected by a short length of chain to a leaking, immovable cast-iron radiator,” read the report in part, which played down the high cost of student loans when contrasted with the psychological trauma and physical atrophy that typically accompany four years spent in the same 3-foot radius on a cracked concrete floor with only a pail of food scraps to subsist on. “College can offer a multidisciplinary education and foster lifelong social connections, and it comes with the added benefit of providing students with a comfortable campus setting that contains actual restroom facilities. These are things one would not get while detained in the uninsulated basement of an abandoned warehouse.” The study conceded, however, that those chained to radiators consistently outperformed college graduates on certain measures, such as screaming hallucinated demons into submission and inching along the floor on one’s stomach to drink fetid water from a puddle.
How Coca-Cola Can Improve Sales #~# Despite spending millions to sponsor the FIFA World Cup and its recent “Share A Coke” campaign, beverage maker Coca-Cola has reported weak sales during the first half of the year. Here are some options the multi-billion-dollar company is considering to improve sales and win back its customers:
Area Man Somewhat Disturbed To Think Perfect Woman For Him Out There Somewhere #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Fully aware of his numerous flaws and unappealing personal characteristics, local 33-year-old Phillip Morgan confided to reporters Wednesday that he found it a bit unsettling to imagine that the perfect woman for him is out there somewhere.
‘Cosmo’ Finally Features Sex Tips For Lesbians #~# After years of publishing sex tips and guides intended for heterosexual women, Cosmopolitan magazine has published its first-ever sex guide for lesbians, “28 Mind-Blowing Lesbian Sex Positions.” What do you think?
Amazingly Humanlike Robot Able To Commit Thousands Of Mistakes Per Day #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Saying they have been able to replicate human behavior more closely than ever before, researchers at MIT unveiled Tuesday a remarkably advanced robot that is capable of committing thousands of mistakes per day. “After years of rigorous research and testing, we have developed an extremely humanlike robot with the ability to botch dozens of tasks within a 24-hour period, whether it’s sending a sensitive email to the wrong person, forgetting about an important appointment, or completely misinterpreting a simple work assignment,” lead developer Matthew Owens said of the robot known as Komistus, highlighting the high-tech machine’s uncanny versatility at bungling a wide range of professional, personal, and social situations commonly faced by real people each day. “Given even the most basic tasks to complete, such as retrieving a few specific items from the supermarket, Komistus will exhibit numerous distinct screwups and egregious errors that almost identically mirror those seen in our own species. We’re already looking forward to a next-generation successor with an even more advanced humanlike capacity for awkward social interactions and overall clumsiness.” Owens added that the ultimate challenge for the Komistus project is developing a robot with the ability to fall in love, thereby duplicating the biggest mistake of most humans’ lives.
Study: Infants Can Smell Mothers’ Fears #~# A new study has found that mothers can pass on fears to their newborn infants through odors that help to transmit old traumas, bad memories, and phobias, which teaches them about what to fear in the world. What do you think?
The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian #~# While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits. Here are some of the pros and cons of going vegetarian:
Report: Majority Of CIA Now Ready To Install Female World Leader #~# LANGLEY, VA—Saying that the recent shift in opinion is further proof that women have access to more opportunities than ever before, sources within the CIA confirmed this week that the U.S. intelligence agency may finally be ready to install its first female world leader.
Wikipedia Bans Congress From Editing Pages #~# After a Twitter bot was created to track Wikipedia edits made from congressional IP addresses and anonymous staffers responded by making “disruptive” joke edits to pages on the moon landing and Choco Tacos, the site imposed a 10-day ban on edits originating within the House. What do you think?
We’re Not So Different, You And Me And Joe Walsh #~# It breaks my heart to think of all the conflict in the world today. Everywhere you look, people are squabbling over this or that, with little if any meaningful understanding ever taking place between them. It’s a shame, and I can’t help but feel like most of these problems could be resolved if people would step back and realize that, at the end of the day, we’re really not all that different, you and me and Eagles lead guitarist Joe Walsh.
Report: Majority Of Football Fans Better Informed On Health Of NFL Players Than Parents #~# PHILADELPHIA—According to a new study published Monday by the University of Pennsylvania, the overwhelming majority of football fans are far more informed on the health of NFL players than that of their own parents. “Our surveys indicate that despite an intimate, up-to-date knowledge of various ailments affecting star football players, many fans are largely oblivious to any deterioration of health in their mother or father,” said lead researcher Howard Cenotto, adding that the average fan’s awareness of any given player’s medical history—including past injuries dating back to college—far exceeds any knowledge of heart or blood pressure medications recently prescribed to their parents by a primary care physician. “Most often miss the first glaring signs of Alzheimer’s or dementia in their parents, while also being completely unaware that one or both have been recently diagnosed with adult-onset diabetes. Meanwhile, they remain fully informed of the health of their favorite team's players—pinpointing precise stages of progress in injury rehab and possessing extensive insight into potential complications resulting from any impending surgeries.” The report went on to confirm that the majority of football fans also have absolutely no grasp whatsoever on their own general state of health and can’t remember the last time they visited the doctor for an annual checkup.
FDA Approves First Artificial Tumor #~# WASHINGTON—Following years of research and testing, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration officially approved a groundbreaking artificial tumor Tuesday, marking the first time a synthetic malignant growth has been cleared for use in patients across the country. “There were obviously significant complications in devising a tumor substitute the human body would accept, but we now have an artificial neoplasm that serves the same physiological functions as an organic abnormal growth of tissue,” said Jeffrey Shuren of the FDA’s Center for Devices and Radiological Health, adding that the polymer-based lump can be safely implanted in patients regardless of age, health, or medical history during a minimally invasive and relatively quick two-hour surgical procedure. “This synthetic tumor is remarkably lightweight, malignant, and capable of naturally metastasizing throughout the body. It also has the benefit of being incredibly small—roughly the size of a dime—but once in the body, it will grow two to three times in size and will get to work immediately replicating itself.” Shuren added that while initial prototypes of the device had only enough battery power to last a few days, the approved version is capable of going for several years or more, or until its objective has been completed.
Person Who Will Embalm You Walking Around Out There #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that this will be the person who one day undresses your corpse on a flat, disinfected slab before injecting your arteries with a formaldehyde-based solution, sources confirmed Tuesday that the individual who will embalm your dead body is currently walking around out there somewhere. According to accounts, the person who will expertly contort your nude cadaver into a resting position and massage rigor mortis out of your muscles is in existence some place in the world and is engaged in everyday human activities not at all unfamiliar to you, and may, at this very moment, be enjoying a walk in a park, folding laundry, or arguing with a spouse. Sources added that the professional responsible for suturing your lifeless jaw together using a needle passed through your nostrils, and then preparing your body for display by applying cosmetics to your inanimate face in accordance with an old photograph provided by your family, could have even passed you on the street or stood behind you in line at the grocery store just this morning. Sources suggested, however, that the individuals who will truly mourn your passing may never be revealed, if any even exist at all.
Guy Riding ATV Has Really Been Looking Forward To Breaking His Neck On Wooded Trail #~# VALLEJO, CA—Saying he’s been anticipating this moment ever since a friend severed his spine on the same route last year, local man Aaron Carr excitedly told reporters that he’s really been looking forward to renting an all-terrain vehicle and breaking his neck on a nearby wooded trail. “Man, I can’t wait to get out there in the woods on that four-wheeler, flip over the handlebars, and crush most of the bones in my neck— it’s going to be so sweet,” Carr said, scanning a map of the area where he planned to attempt various freestyle tricks prior to fracturing multiple vertebrae. “There’s this one really awesome jump where you can get, like, four feet of air before losing control of the vehicle and landing directly on your head. I mean, I’m really psyched about that, though pretty much every trail seems awesome for putting me in a wheelchair permanently.” At press time, an elated Carr was pinned beneath his ATV and unable to feel his legs.
ExxonMobil, Chevron Locked In Bidding War To Acquire Lucrative Pennsylvania Senator #~# HARRISBURG, PA—With both sides increasing their initial offers for the prized asset, multinational energy companies ExxonMobil and Chevron Corporation are currently locked in a fierce bidding war to obtain a lucrative Pennsylvania senator, sources confirmed Monday. “This legislator represents an incredibly valuable commodity in the energy world, and both ExxonMobil and Chevron appear to be willing to pay whatever is necessary to acquire him,” said oil and gas industry analyst John Blakey of the ongoing, back-and-forth bidding process for U.S. Sen. Patrick Toomey (R-PA), noting that both of the politician’s potential owners are enthusiastic about the prospect of utilizing the treasured beltway resource for multiple terms. “Granted, securing such a highly profitable elected official won’t be cheap—it never is. Both of these companies know that if they are fortunate enough to gain possession of this senator, the acquisition will pay dividends for years to come.” At press time, sources confirmed that ExxonMobil and Chevron had entered talks with Pacific Gas and Electric, British Petroleum, Royal Dutch Shell, and Duke Energy to share claims in the senator for the foreseeable future.
Open-Minded Man Would Be Willing To Look Past Jennifer Lawrence’s Flaws #~# JOLIET, IL—Saying that he would be open to giving a relationship with the Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence a shot, local man Alex Robard, 31, told reporters Monday that despite any preconceptions he might have formed about the Hollywood star, he certainly considers himself broad-minded enough to try looking beyond her flaws. “Look, she’s not perfect, but neither am I, so all things considered, I’d be inclined to test it out and give the two of us a chance,” said the sales associate, who went on to add that, while he couldn’t make any guarantees, if he were to ever go on a date with the 23-year-old A-lister, he would make a concerted effort to resist forming snap judgments based on any potential faults, personal weaknesses, or off-putting personality traits that the celebrity might possess. “You have to be willing to accept people as they are. Yes, Jennifer’s a little loud, a little wacky and in-your-face, but I think, personally, I could get past that. Dating’s all about keeping an open mind.” Robard added that he hoped Lawrence wasn’t particularly religious, because that would, unfortunately, be a deal-breaker for him.
New York Times Endorses Legalizing Marijuana #~# The New York Times editorial board published the first in a planned six-part piece on Sunday calling for the legalization of recreational marijuana, arguing that outlawing the drug is just as ineffective as the government’s failed ban on alcohol during the Prohibition era and that the majority of Americans support it. What do you think?
Assisted Care Facility Hits Grand Fucking Slam With Little Styrofoam Cups Of Sherbet #~# PHOENIXVILLE, PA—From residents’ prompt arrival in the dining room at 2 p.m. to the extended length of time they spent socializing in the sitting area afterward, staff members confirmed that the 4-ounce styrofoam cups of sherbet served Sunday afternoon were a grand fucking slam with seniors at Briargreen Assisted Care Community. “Man, we thought the soft-baked ginger snaps last week were a home run, but these little servings of orange and rainbow sherbet launched it out of the fucking park,” said activities coordinator Peter D’Amico, noting that well over half of the containers were completely empty afterward, a notable aberration from the considerable quantities of food typically left on residents’ plates after most meals and snacks. “You should have seen the looks on their faces when they got their little cups—this sherbet absolutely fucking destroyed. Heck, even Jean [Kerman], who has barely attended any meals since her hip surgery, made her way down to have some sherbet.” D’Amico added that if they have any hope of topping the wildly popular treat, it would take a ridiculously insane one-two punch of chocolate pudding immediately followed by a screening of Anchors Aweigh.
T.J. Maxx Job Application Just Asks Prospective Employees How Much They Plan To Shoplift #~# FRAMINGHAM, MA—In a move meant to streamline the company’s hiring process, representatives from T.J. Maxx confirmed Monday that the retailer’s job application now simply asks prospective employees how much merchandise they plan to shoplift. “While reviewing our employment procedures, we realized the only things we want to see on paper are the candidate’s name, phone number, and a realistic estimate of how much apparel he or she expects to steal during his or her time as an employee,” said human resources manager Madeline Irvington, noting that the removal of extraneous information from the form, such as an applicant’s education and past experience, saves T.J. Maxx store managers considerable time in making hiring decisions. “For inventory purposes, we just want our job candidates to come right out and tell us from the very beginning exactly how many designer tops, handbags, and pairs of jeans they intend to remove the security tags from after the store has closed and then surreptitiously ferry out when they leave. That way, we can be sure to order the correct amount of merchandise to satisfy them, any friends they plan to shoplift for, and our customers.” Irvington added that all job candidates who made it past the first round would then be asked how long they planned to lay low with the items before reselling them online.
Study: Earth In Middle Of ‘Sixth Extinction’ #~# According to a new study published in the journal Science, earth is in the middle of its sixth mass extinction of biological life, which is being caused by human beings destroying habitats, disrupting climates, and killing wildlife. What do you think?
Man Unwilling To Skydive Blasted For Contradicting Previous ‘Up For Whatever’ Stance #~# SAN DIEGO—A local group of friends was reportedly left irritated Thursday when member Gary Milheiser expressed hesitation about jumping out of an airplane at 14,000 feet, despite stating aloud just hours earlier that he was “up for whatever.” “Gary made it perfectly clear that he was cool with doing anything back when we were all trying to figure out what to do, but as soon as he stepped up to the doorway of the airplane and was faced with plunging toward the ground at 120 miles per hour, he backtracked completely. What gives?” said friend Michael Diaz, still visibly peeved. “I specifically asked him what he wanted to do and he said, ‘I’m open to whatevs’—I took him at his word. Frankly, this calls into question his other assertions that he’s happy to just go with the flow and that he’s down with going anywhere for dinner tonight.” At press time, several members of the group were seriously considering whether they should even ask Milheiser to join them on their upcoming heli-skiing trip given his infuriatingly contradictory behavior.
Tylenol No Better Than Sugar Pills For Helping Back Pain #~# A new study has found that Tylenol is no more effective for treating back pain than placebo sugar pills. What do you think?
Scientists: Rich People, Poor People May Have Shared Common Ancestor #~# ITHACA, NY—According to a study released this week by geneticists at Cornell University, substantial evidence indicates that rich people and poor people—disparate populations long thought to be entirely unrelated—may have once shared a single common ancestor. “After conducting careful DNA analysis, our research team was taken aback to discover that the wealthy and the working class actually have a considerable number of genetic similarities,” said study co-author Kenneth Chang, adding that despite the disparity between the modern-day affluent and low earners in terms of behavior, appearance, and lifestyle, numerous genetic markers revealed that their predecessors may have once lived beside one another without any noticeable differences. “Side by side, poor people and rich people look almost nothing alike, of course. It took months of chromosomal comparison to discover that links exist between, say, a top-level consultant at Bain Capital living in a gated community and a mother of three relying on multiple low-wage jobs to survive. And upon close inspection, it is possible to detect subtle, but striking, physical resemblances between these vastly different peoples.” Scientists also determined that the ultra-rich were closely related to jellyfish and other soft-bodied invertebrates.
Executioner Enters Lethal Injection Room With Bag From Home Depot #~# MCALESTER, OK—Shortly before administering a lethal injection to a prisoner sentenced to death by the state, Oklahoma Department of Corrections executioner Michael Callahan reportedly entered the death chamber Friday at Oklahoma State Penitentiary carrying a large plastic bag full of purchases from a nearby Home Depot. “I typically run out to the store an hour or so ahead of time and grab some of the stuff we need,” Callahan told reporters, referring to the jugs and canisters of hazardous chemicals acquired from the home improvement retailer, which included antifreeze, rat poison, and the weed killer Roundup. “This’ll be the first time I’m going with drain cleaner instead of bleach, so I’m really curious about how the guy’s going to react. I’ll kind of mix this stuff together and fill up a syringe with it and we’ll be good to go. I think 50 CC’s seems about right.” Callahan added that in the event the toxic concoction failed to kill the prisoner, he could always make a second trip to Home Depot and be back at the execution chamber in half an hour.
Report: Most Americans Have Enough Saved For Retirement To Live Comfortably On Streets #~# WASHINGTON—Taking into account current market conditions, average 401K contributions, and forecasted cost of living increases, a report released Friday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute concluded that the majority of Americans have saved enough for retirement to live comfortably on the streets. “Our research indicates that the typical American retirement plan, be it defined-contribution or defined-benefit, should yield enough for a relatively modest, but secure, life of impoverished transience for up to 20 years after leaving the workforce,” said lead researcher Wilton Bracey, explaining that most Americans will be in a position to occasionally treat themselves to luxuries like a cup of coffee or a secondhand winter coat, while still being able to make fare card payments for the mass transit system where they will sleep. “Of course, it is unrealistic for them to expect to frequently eat out at restaurants, as they will likely need to scrounge for their meals most nights. Overall, however, the vast majority of Americans will spend their golden years in relatively stable destitution.” Bracey added that those relying solely on Social Security benefits should have enough to afford a lethal dose of sleeping pills.
Tips For Choosing A Good Babysitter #~# More mothers and fathers today are working full-time while raising kids, which means parents are increasingly turning to babysitters and nannies to care for their children at home. Here are some tips for choosing the perfect babysitter for your child:
Report: Countless Invasive Species Detained In EPA Black Sites #~# WASHINGTON—According to leaked documents obtained this week by members of the press, the Environmental Protection Agency has for the past 15 years operated a network of secret black sites where an unknown number of invasive species are being held indefinitely. “We’ve learned that thousands of zebra mussels, acres of cheatgrass, and entire colonies of European pepper moths have been rounded up and transported to undisclosed sites throughout the world, where they are detained without legal recourse,” said activist Trevor Collins, who cited documentation confirming that the organisms are forced to endure brutal treatment, extended periods without food or water, and cramped, windowless cells where up to four different species are kept locked together for days at a time. “Sure, you could make the argument that sometimes the government has to get its hands dirty to maintain peace and stability in the ecosystem, but you can’t just keep foreign flora and fauna incarcerated in limbo forever simply because you think they might pose a danger to the American homeland.” Collins suggested that even graver atrocities may have been committed at the EPA black sites, noting that as many as 1.6 million Asian longhorned beetles have died there under questionable circumstances.
Study Finds Dogs Can Experience Jealousy #~# A new study has found that dogs are capable of experiencing feelings of jealously similar to those of humans. What do you think?
Comic-Con Holding First-Ever Transgender Panel #~# As part of an effort to raise awareness of transgender issues, San Diego Comic-Con will hold a panel called “Breaking Barriers,” which will be the event’s first panel to consist solely of participants who identify as transgender. What do you think?
Nation’s Gratuitously Sexual Couples Announce Plans To Wait In Line At Six Flags #~# WASHINGTON—Interrupting various stages of excessive public intimacy to address the general population, the nation’s gratuitously sexual couples announced plans Thursday to wait in line at Six Flags amusement parks across the country.
Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough #~# DALLAS—According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. “After analyzing data from the past 30 years, we found that when someone experiences heart failure, the most common reaction is fairly mundane; there’s unfortunately no stumbling around the room or frantic straining to enunciate the words ‘having…heart…attack.’ Typically, the person merely winces and slumps over in place until paramedics arrive,” said AHA spokesman Dr. Phillip Trainor, who also noted with disappointment that it is extremely rare for victims seated at dinner tables or restaurants to gasp loudly before falling face-first into a plate of food. “As few as one in 10 victims even rigidly extend one arm out in front of them, much less reach out for support and accidentally knock several books and framed photos from a shelf or mantle before falling to the ground themselves.” Trainor went on to compare heart attack sufferers to electrocution victims, stating that in most cases, such individuals do not levitate with their limbs fully splayed and their skeletons visible to onlookers for nearly long enough.
Obama To Cut Costs By Packing Lunch Every Day For U.S. Populace #~# WASHINGTON—Calling it a sensible way to help Americans put aside a little extra money, President Barack Obama announced Thursday his intention to reduce costs by packing a weekday lunch for all 318 million United States residents. “Providing each citizen with a baggie of baked tortilla chips, some baby carrots, and a Red Delicious apple is a simple way to help bring down their daily expenses while also making sure they have a wholesome, tasty meal at the same time,” Obama told reporters in the White House kitchen early this morning as he began laying out the 636 million slices of bread for the nation’s turkey sandwiches. “In just a few weeks, I think most Americans will find that the savings really add up. All right, so that’s no tomatoes for Jennifer Burgess of Twin Falls, Idaho, and let me just slip this note of encouragement into Aidan Danielson’s lunch bag before his big spelling test. There. All set.” At press time, sources confirmed that upon receiving their lunches, most Americans had simply thrown theirs away and bought something from the work vending machine.
Rape Investigation Finds Star College Quarterback Has Got The Goods #~# ‘He Can Make All The Throws And Has A Cannon For An Arm,’ Confirms Sexual Assault Inquiry
Israel’s, Hamas’ Disregard For Palestinian Life Aligning Nicely #~# WASHINGTON—Admiring their mutual indifference toward Gazan civilians and families during the ongoing conflict, sources confirmed Thursday that global political leaders, observers on the ground, and the international community at large agreed that Israel’s and Hamas’ respective disregard for Palestinian life have actually lined up pretty nicely. “The fact that they’re both willing to sacrifice innocent Palestinians is pretty horrifying, but you have to admit it’s impressive just how much their callous, barbaric attitudes toward human life in Gaza match right up,” said one resident, echoing the sentiment of thousands of humanitarian aid workers, international pundits, and local citizens, adding that the Israel Defense Forces and Hamas were really on the same page when it came to rationalizing away the deaths of hundreds of Palestinian residents. “Say what you want about Israel and Hamas, but at the end of the day, at least give them credit for how harmoniously their separate actions came together to create innocent civilian casualties. They might be dead set on one another’s destruction, fine, but you can’t say they don’t make one hell of a complementary team when it comes to Palestinians dying.” Sources admitted they were further struck by Israel’s and Hamas’ effectively identical unwillingness to compromise under any circumstances.
Couples Battling For Trendy 12/13/14 Wedding Date #~# In the latest instance of couples clamoring for a trendy wedding date, a new poll by David’s Bridal has revealed that more than 20,000 couples are competing to get married on 12/13/14, leading many venues to raise prices due to demand. What do you think?
How Your Amazon Order Reaches You #~# With more than 90,000 employees at 80 shipping warehouses around the globe, Amazon.com remains the world’s largest online retailer for electronics, books, clothing, and more. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Amazon orders reach consumers:
93% Of Americans Admit They Occasionally Check Behind Shower Curtain For Bad Guys #~# ATHENS, OH—Saying that it was the only way to assuage concerns that occasionally arose in their minds, 93 percent of Americans admitted to checking behind their shower curtain from time to time to ensure no bad guys were hiding there, a study out of Ohio University confirmed this week. “Our data indicate that an overwhelming majority of citizens will, at least once a week, count to three and then whip their shower curtain to the side to determine whether any malevolent figures are silently lurking in their bathtubs waiting for the perfect moment to strike,” said the study’s author, Samuel Kim, who noted that while subjects did not check behind the curtain every time they visited the lavatory, they were statistically far more likely to do so at night, when they were in their homes alone, or after watching a somewhat scary or unsettling movie or television show. “We found, however, that techniques varied from person to person. While some crept up to the curtain gingerly and ripped it aside with no warning, others gruffly stated aloud, ‘I know you’re in here,’ or made a sharp grunting noise as they moved the curtain with their left hand while keeping the right balled up in a fist should they uncover a deranged criminal whom they would then need to subdue through physical force.” Kim added that he would most assuredly be checking behind his own shower curtain this evening, but flatly stated he will not bend down to check underneath his bed as that is “just inane and childish.”
Israel: Palestinians Given Ample Time To Evacuate To Nearby Bombing Sites #~# JERUSALEM—In response to criticism surrounding the death toll during its ongoing incursion into Gaza, representatives from the Israeli government Wednesday emphasized that warnings sent to Palestinian civilians provided them with ample time to evacuate to nearby bombing sites. “We are being very careful and thorough as we carry out our targeted strikes, and I can say, without question, that Palestinians are given more than enough time to leave their residences and find shelter in a future bombardment target,” said Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon, adding that whether alerted by phone, text message, or leaflet, Palestinians have sufficient opportunity to relocate to any number of locations marked for imminent aerial strikes. “Giving Palestinian civilians the chance to seek safety in the home of a family member or friend that will be shelled to rubble in the next 48 hours is a gesture we deserve praise for, not condemnation. In fact, this initiative has been a major success in this campaign.” Ya’alon added that since there were numerous bombing sites Palestinians could take shelter in, he was not responsible for whatever happened to people who chose to stay home.
Mysterious White Surrender Flags Appear Above Brooklyn Bridge #~# NYC police are investigating the mysterious appearance of two white surrender flags above the Brooklyn Bridge that were apparently planted by vandals who scaled to the top in the middle of the night, saying that it could be an art project. What do you think?
Frustrated Employee No Longer Even Trying To Hide GRE Study Books #~# AUSTIN, TX—No longer motivated to keep up the pretense of being a dedicated employee, TechStream systems analyst Chad Reasor told reporters Wednesday that he had abandoned all efforts to conceal the books and other study materials he was using to prepare for his upcoming graduate school entrance exam. “I used to have some spreadsheets open on my computer while keeping the study guide hidden on my lap, but I honestly couldn’t care less at this point,” said Reasor, adding that he no longer had qualms about leaving his copy of Essential Words For The GRE on his desk and didn’t care in the slightest if someone witnessed him openly poring over vocabulary flashcards in the break room. “I don’t think anyone’s really going to look at my screen and notice I’ve got tabs for five different grad schools open in my browser, but even if they do, who gives a shit? I’ve got nothing to hide at this point.” At press time, Reasor was solving a series of coordinate geometry practice questions in the middle of the morning staff meeting.
Bud Selig Still Hoping To See Game At Every Major League Baseball Stadium #~# NEW YORK—Admitting that it has always been a lifelong dream of his, baseball commissioner Bud Selig told reporters Wednesday that he still hopes to eventually attend a game at every MLB stadium in the country. “So far, I’ve been to six—Fenway, Tropicana, Nationals Park, the Phillies one, and both stadiums in New York,” said Selig, who then quickly corrected himself upon realizing he has yet to visit the new Yankee Stadium. “I haven’t done Milwaukee yet, or any of the Midwest ballparks, now that I think about it. I haven’t been to any on the West Coast either, but next week I’ll be in L.A. for work, so I might try to finally see the Dodgers if they have a home game then.” Selig then added that he will hopefully cross several stadiums off his list this August during a long road trip he has been planning with his father.
AP Reporter In Gaza Needs Another Term For ‘Blood-Soaked’ #~# GAZA CITY—Saying that he doesn’t want to use the same phrasing yet again in his latest article, Associated Press journalist Marcus Lambert, who has been stationed in the Gaza Strip since the beginning of this month’s most recent outbreak of Israeli-Palestinian violence, told reporters Wednesday that he is having trouble finding another term for “blood-soaked.” “I’m trying to find a way to describe the scene after today’s airstrikes, but I’ve used ‘blood-soaked’ two times already,” Lambert said while writing his latest update, adding that he had also used up the phrases “blood-drenched,” “bloodstained,” and “saturated with blood” in the same dispatch. “Blood-spattered is close, but it’s not quite right. The problem is that there are only so many expressions to describe this kind of thing. And you can’t just say ‘a whole lot of blood’ or ‘more blood than ever before’—that’s not AP style. Maybe I could describe the blast site as ‘crimsoned?’ Man, this is a tough one.” At press time, following heavy shelling of Gaza’s Bani Suhaila region, Lambert was also intently seeking synonyms for “bombed-out,” “wailing,” and “orphan.”
Study Finds Only 5% Of Americans Have Correct Amount Of Pride In Country #~# DURHAM, NC—Confirming that the vast majority of U.S. citizens possess either too much or too little patriotism, a new study released Wednesday by researchers at Duke University has found that only 5 percent of Americans feel the correct amount of pride in their country.
Report: Climate Change Skeptics Could Reach Catastrophic Levels By 2020 #~# WASHINGTON—In a worrying development that could have dire implications for the health of the planet, a report published Wednesday by the Environmental Protection Agency suggests that the number of climate change skeptics could reach catastrophic levels by the year 2020.
NYC Approves Apartment Building With Separate ‘Rich Doors,’ ‘Poor Doors’ #~# The New York Department of Housing Preservation and Development has approved plans for an apartment complex that has separate “rich doors” for luxury apartment owners and “poor doors” for those who live in its 55 affordable housing apartments, units the developer agreed to include in the building in exchange for tax breaks. What do you think?
Area Man Knows Exactly Which Relatives Would Be Problem If He Ever Came Into Money #~# METHUEN, MA—Saying that he can already picture them calling him up at all hours and feeding him their sad sack stories to try to win his sympathy, 37-year-old local man Shawn DeWeese told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which of his relatives would cause problems for him if he ever came into a serious amount of money. “If I ever hit it big, I guarantee my brother Danny would be the first one scratching at my door—that pain in the ass is always mooching off me and asking to use my car,” said DeWeese, remarking that if he were to “score that kind of cash,” there would be no way to keep it secret, “not in [his] goddamn family.” “My aunt and uncle, my cousin Ed who can’t hold down a job—jeez, the whole Blanchard side of the family would probably just camp out here looking for a little piece, even though they’ve never done a thing for me. And then there’s [ex-girlfriend] Carol—she’s not family, but she’d still come sniffing around too, probably acting all nice to me for a change. Basically, everyone’s going to want a piece of what’s mine.” DeWeese added that while he would of course be willing to help out in the event of a family emergency, he wouldn’t just hand out any of his hypothetical riches to help anyone “open a goddamn restaurant or anything dumb like that.”
New Toyota ‘Driver Easy Speak’ Feature Helps Parents Yell At Children In Back Of Car #~# Toyota has announced that its new class of Sienna minivans will feature technology called “Driver Easy Speak,” which uses a microphone that amplifies the driver’s voice into speakers in the back seats of the car, so parents don’t have to shout at passengers. What do you think?
Lifeguard Would Save Drowning Man, But Who Is He To Play God? #~# BALTIMORE—Reluctant to transcend his station as a mere mortal and interfere with the vicissitudes of fortune, local lifeguard Blake Dunphy confided to reporters Tuesday that he found himself mentally shackled by the question of whether to save a swimmer currently thrashing for his life or allow destiny to take its course unfettered. “Though this man sputters and flails before my eyes and the path to his salvation lies readily before me, the broader question remains: Who am I, a mere earthly being of flesh and blood, to determine whether my fellow man lives or dies?” Dunphy mused, wondering if it was not, ultimately, the hand of fate that placed an inexperienced swimmer in the deep end in the first place. “Surely a decision of such existential import rests solely on the shoulders of an all-knowing, all-seeing god, which I certainly can’t in good conscience pretend to be. Furthermore, can it even be stated that I—or any being subject to divine decree—actually possess the free will to impel myself from this chair and rescue another, or are all such outcomes preordained by the stars themselves?” At press time, Dunphy was saved from the burden of choice by a mid-afternoon shift change.
Roommates Still Don’t Know Each Other Well Enough To Not Speak #~# NEW YORK—Seemingly compelled to participate in meaningless conversations whenever encountering each other in their apartment, local roommates Dylan Lewis and Sean Porter told reporters Tuesday they still do not know each other well enough to not speak. “Every time I see Sean in the living room or kitchen or wherever, I feel like I have to ask him how things are going or how his day was,” said Lewis, who, like Porter, would reportedly much prefer to silently walk down the hall to his bedroom, shut the door, and work on his laptop. “Or sometimes we’ll talk about how the Mets did for maybe 30 seconds, just to get it out of the way. I mean, it’d feel weird not to.” At press time, the roommates had finally grown comfortable enough with each other to mutter a brief hello and avoid eye contact almost completely.
Who Is Vladimir Putin? #~# After troops from his country forcibly seized Crimea earlier this year, Russian president Vladimir Putin is back in the news for allegedly arming separatists in eastern Ukraine with the missiles that are believed to have taken down Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 last week. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about Russia’s leader:
New Anti-Abortion Legislation Requires Doctors To Scale 18-Foot Wall Surrounding Clinic #~# JACKSON, MS—In an effort to make certain that physicians who perform the procedure are fully qualified to do so, a new state law passed Tuesday will require Mississippi doctors to climb an 18-foot wall before entering any medical facility providing abortions.
IKEA Placing Cardboard Cutouts Of Dogs In Furniture Showrooms To Encourage Adoption #~# Select IKEA stores are strategically placing life-sized cardboard cutouts of dogs in furniture showrooms to help customers visualize what their homes would look like with a dog, part of a program aimed at encouraging pet adoption. What do you think?
Give It To Me As Roundabout And Sugarcoated As Possible, Doc #~# Dr. Corbett, I have a feeling you’re about to give me some bad news. From the way you’re looking at my chart, I can tell the next words out of your mouth aren’t going to be good—there’s no two ways about it. That’s why I’m going to ask you to do me a favor, and just go ahead and give it to me as roundabout and sugarcoated as possible.
Facebook Testing Out ‘Buy’ Button #~# According to company officials, Facebook is testing out a new “Buy” button on the News Feed section and on advertisements, which would give users the option to keep their credit card and shipping information on file with Facebook and purchase items without ever leaving the site. What do you think?
Texans Confident They Have Right Pieces In Place To Make Deep Preseason Run #~# HOUSTON—Saying the team has benefited from a number of crucial offseason pickups, members of the Houston Texans expressed confidence to reporters Monday that they now have the right pieces in place to make a deep preseason run. “We’ve had our struggles before, but now that we’ve filled out the roster a bit, I think we have what it takes to go all the way in the preseason,” said Texans running back Arian Foster, pointing to such recent squad additions as starting quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick and safety Kendrick Lewis, both of whom Foster insisted would help the Texans “do some serious damage” during games in August. “We might have our share of doubters, but everyone here is tuning that stuff out and focusing on one thing: winning in the preseason. Honestly, if we can get hot and live up to our potential, I wouldn’t be surprised if we went 4-0 this year.” Foster went on to boldly claim that the Texans will be especially dangerous late in preseason games, when opposing teams are primarily fielding second and third stringers.
Man In Elevator In On Conversation Now #~# CHICAGO—Following the unprompted remarks he made over his shoulder, an unidentified man currently riding the elevator with Regent Business Solutions coworkers Joseph Roper and Adam McIntosh is apparently now in on the conversation, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh, Western Barbecue? I went there last week, actually. Great place,” said the anonymous individual, who is now, evidently, an active participant in the dialogue, and who will continue to offer his thoughts and reactions throughout the discourse until the elevator reaches Regent’s offices on the seventh floor. “You’ve gotta try the brisket. Best in the city, if you ask me.” At press time, after Roper and McIntosh had exited at their floor, the unnamed man was seen pressing the button to hold the elevator door open while relaying his plans for the upcoming weekend.
Marvel Reimagines Green Goblin As Left-Handed #~# NEW YORK—In a month that has already seen several key changes to popular comic book characters, publisher Marvel Comics revealed Monday that a new version of Spider-Man archenemy the Green Goblin would be left-handed. “We felt it was time for Marvel to give the Spider-Man series an exciting new perspective, and we’re confident readers are going to agree when they catch sight of obsessive Oscorp researcher Dr. Charles ‘Lefty’ Langkowski,” Marvel chief creative officer Joe Quesada said of the change, which will come in an issue that follows the left-handed scientist, who accidentally spills a biogenic serum from his clumsy right hand and subsequently transforms into the unhinged, Halloween-themed supervillain. “From throwing his signature arsenal of Pumpkin Bombs with his left hand rather than his right, to leaning in the opposite direction while riding the Goblin Glide, it’s a fresh, new path forward for the character, and everyone at Marvel is excited for fans to follow the ‘Sinister Southpaw’s’ reign of terror.” Reactions to the announcement have reportedly been mixed, with a number of readers praising the introduction of a more relatable figure, while others expressed frustration that the Marvel Universe still lacked an ambidextrous character.
Study Finds High School Students Retain Only One-Third Of Obsolete Curriculum Over Summer #~# WASHINGTON—A study released Monday by the Department of Education found that the majority of U.S. high school students struggle to retain obsolete course material over summer break, with students remembering as little as 30 percent of their out-of-date curricula by the time classes resume in the fall. “Despite thorough reinforcement with old-fashioned rote memorization techniques, we found that few students are able to recall more than a third of the irrelevant syllabi their teachers attempted to drill into them during the previous academic year,” said one of the study’s authors, Lydia Prestwich, who noted that barely one in four high school freshmen could identify all nine planets or name the capital of Zaire. “According to our survey, two-thirds of students could not state which country Hugo Chavez leads, while more than 70 percent were unable to give the name of even a single shuttle that NASA uses in its space program, despite learning this material as recently as this past spring.” To ameliorate the alarming statistics, researchers stressed that school administrators nationwide must ensure that every one of their pupils has access to outdated classroom resources and receives instruction from an unqualified, out-of-touch teacher.
Man’s Anxiety Not About To Let Depression Muscle In On Turf #~# PHOENIX—Unwilling to cede decades of hard-won advances, local man Roger Cannon’s persistent anxiety vowed Monday that it would not let clinical depression muscle in on any of its turf. “Look, I’ve had a vise-grip on this guy for 30 years, so I’m not about to roll over now and let some despondent feelings and an overriding aversion to activity waltz in and take over his emotional state,” said the mental disorder, adding that it would “crank up” Cannon’s irrational worrying, restlessness, and agitation to drive depression out of its territory once and for all. “Roger’s mental condition is my domain. And if all-encompassing thoughts of hopelessness and inadequacy think they can parade around like they own the place, trust me, they’ve got another thing coming.” The neurosis then promised that it wouldn’t make the same mistake it did in 2011, when it briefly let its guard down and disastrously allowed happiness to take hold.
Report: More Parents Hiring Drug-Sniffing Dogs To Find Kids’ Pot #~# According to a report by NPR, a growing number of parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to search their teens’ bedrooms and find out if they are using illegal substances, leading to a rise in private businesses that train and rent out detection dogs. What do you think?
BREAKING: Cavaliers Agree To Trade Andrew Wiggins, LeBron James For Kevin Love #~# CLEVELAND—Following lengthy and protracted trade negotiations, the Cleveland Cavaliers announced Friday that the team has agreed to deal No. 1 draft pick Andrew Wiggins and four-time league MVP LeBron James to the Minnesota Timberwolves in exchange for power forward Kevin Love. “Though it was a tough decision to let Andrew and LeBron go, we felt that adding Kevin gives our team the best chance to compete for an NBA championship next season,” said Cleveland GM David Griffin, adding that it ultimately wasn’t possible to acquire Love from Minnesota without giving up both Wiggins and James. “We’re thrilled to welcome Kevin to the team. I have no doubt that he will be a great fit in Cleveland and will quickly become a fan favorite.” Griffin went on to say that everyone within the Cavaliers organization wished Wiggins and James nothing but the best in Minnesota.
Report: Majority Of UFO Abductions Committed By Alien That Person Knows #~# WASHINGTON—Challenging commonly held misperceptions, the U.S. Department of Justice published a report this week revealing that the vast majority of UFO abductions are perpetrated by aliens a person knows rather than extraterrestrials unfamiliar to victims. “The popular notion of UFO abductions is of a person being beamed up into the sky by strange, hostile beings from Sirius or Andromeda, but the reality is that most of these abductions are committed by an extraterrestrial acquaintance the victim trusts and feels comfortable around,” DOJ spokesman Devin Shane said of the estimated 2,800 reported victims of UFO abduction last year, many of whom were taken against their will into an advanced spacecraft and subjected to psychological experiments and medical examinations by nonhuman entities they already knew through family or friends. “While it’s true that a significant number of abductions are still carried out by extrasolar reptilian beings with planetary invasion-related motives, data shows that known relationships with extraterrestrials are by far the greater danger to civilians, with many aliens committing abduction for personal reasons, such as indulging their own cravings for power, control, or revenge, or siphoning human energy from host bodies in order to replicate.” Officials noted, with a degree of optimism, that evidence now shows only 10 percent of all UFO abductions result in aliens impregnating the victim with thousands of eggs.
Snowden: NSA Agents Pass Around Nude Photos #~# In an interview with The Guardian, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden revealed that some U.S. intelligence agents routinely pass around nude photos and other “sexually compromised” images they discover while spying on targets. What do you think?
Palestinians Starting To Have Mixed Feelings About Being Used As Human Shields #~# BEIT LAHIA, GAZA STRIP—Saying they’ve begun to reevaluate their stance as the latest outbreak of Israeli-Palestinian violence has escalated, hundreds of residents of the Gaza Strip told reporters Friday they are starting to have mixed feelings about Hamas using them and their loved ones as human shields. “At this point, I have to say I’m pretty much on the fence about having militants strategically store their missile batteries in and around my home, which Israel will almost certainly want to bomb,” said Azzam al-Salhi, explaining that, while he’s always understood Hamas’ reliance on guerilla tactics to perpetuate the decades-long fight against Israel, he has recently soured on the idea of going to bed every night facing the real prospect of being incinerated by an Israeli airstrike intended for a Hamas arms cache. “When I think about it, I guess I’d go so far as to say that I don’t completely enjoy how this is being done entirely without my consent. And I’m not crazy about the fact that Hamas is actually okay with me dying as long as it fuels both resentment toward Israel and support for the party. If I’m being honest, I don’t like that part at all. But then, sometimes I put myself in Hamas’ shoes, and I guess I sort of appreciate where they’re coming from, so it’s tough. Of course, my kids hate it—they’ve actually told me that a couple of times. Oh, well, I guess I’ll give it a couple more weeks and see how I feel about it then.” At press time, sources confirmed an inbound missile was about to solidify thousands of Palestinians’ opinions on the tactic.
Marriage Going To Be Hard To Go Back To On Monday #~# EAST HARTFORD, CT—Thinking wearily of the moment when he would have to return to the daily grind, local man Dan Zageris is already dreading going back to his marriage Monday, sources confirmed this weekend. “A couple of days away are great, but I know that when Monday morning rolls around, it will just start up all over again,” said Zageris, 36, adding that his anxiety will likely return on Sunday, as he becomes preoccupied with the thought of heading back to his monogamous relationship of eight years the following day. “Time off always flies by, and before I know it, I’m clocking back in with my wife and have another long slog of marriage ahead of me.” At press time, Zageris was reportedly keeping his head down and hoping to power through the next 40 years or so.
Report: 76ers Have Enough Cap Space To Infuriate Fan Base #~# PHILADELPHIA—As NBA free agency continues to take shape, sources close to the Philadelphia 76ers front office confirmed Thursday that the team has enough cap space this offseason to completely enrage its fan base. “The Sixers are more than $30 million under the cap, which means they can theoretically make a number of moves that leave their fans humiliated and utterly hopeless, all without having to pay any luxury tax,” said ESPN NBA analyst Marc Jackson, adding that Philadelphia has enough salary to offer inflated long-term contracts to multiple incredibly overhyped free agents, effectively torpedoing the team’s playoff hopes for the next decade. “They have plenty of options at this point. Do they pay way too much for a declining, 32-year-old Carlos Boozer? Or do they opt to just throw away future draft picks in order to build a team around the fatally flawed core of Amar’e Stoudemire, Derrick Williams, and Joel Embiid? With this much money available, there are just so many ways they can perpetually infuriate every single basketball fan in Philadelphia for the foreseeable future.” Jackson went on to say the most likely scenario would be the 76ers simply refusing to spend any money at all and forcing their fans to watch the current roster play another full season.
KKK Recruiting Kids By Handing Out Candy #~# According to residents of a South Carolina town, the Ku Klux Klan has been attempting to recruit children into its ranks by going to neighborhoods and leaving out bags of candy containing slips of paper with the words “Save Our Land, Join The Klan” and a phone number leading to automated anti-immigrant messages. What do you think?
Man Concerned He Spread Himself Too Thin Between Eating Sandwich, Watching Television #~# PADUCAH, KY—Glancing worriedly from his plate to his television, local man Eric Timmer expressed concern Thursday that between eating his ham sandwich and viewing an episode of The Walking Dead, he was critically overextending himself. “I looked away from the screen for five seconds because some of the meat was coming out from between the bread, and I missed some stuff on the show,” said Timmer, 29, conceding that he also may not have been up to the task of hearing the program’s dialogue above the sound of his chewing. “I think I’m in over my head here. I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I can’t keeping doing this. I mean, I’m not Superman.” At press time, Timmer entered a state of paralysis upon being faced with an incoming text message.
Study: Sexy Facebook Profile Pics May Hurt Women At Work #~# According to a new study, choosing to use a sexy profile picture on Facebook and other social media sites may hurt women’s careers because coworkers are more likely to judge them as being less competent workers. What do you think?
New Study Finds Most Of Earth’s Oxygen Used For Complaining #~# SEATTLE—Following a multiyear study of atmospheric gases and their role in organic processes on earth, a team of researchers at the University of Washington reported this week that the majority of the oxygen on the planet is used for complaining. “By carefully measuring the processes of gas exchange, the respiratory capacities of living organisms, and resulting metabolic activities, we discovered that most oxygen molecules in Earth’s troposphere are used for the purposes of sighing, whining, and most commonly, complaining,” said the study’s lead author, James Lauderio, who noted that an adult human converts an average of 19 cubic feet of oxygen per day into petty grievances about acquaintances, nitpicking objections about popular media or the weather, criticisms about tasks they are performing, and general fussing with family members. “And while humans are the species most responsible for transforming oxygen into complaints, it’s important to note that other animal life, including mammals, birds, and reptiles, also convert massive amounts of O2 into displeased growls and screeches about their habitats and food sources.” Lauderio added that the research team has not been able to determine a verifiable upper limit to the number of complaints that can be produced from a single inhalation, with many human subjects reportedly producing upwards of 40 or more complaints with each breath.
God Pledges $5,000 For Cancer Research #~# THE HEAVENS—Expressing His hope that the contribution would assist efforts to find a cure for the devastating disease, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, confirmed Thursday that He had pledged $5,000 to the American Cancer Society to help fund ongoing research. “I have the means, so I can afford to give a little bit of money to support such an important cause,” said He Who Commanded Light to Shine Out of the Darkness, describing the contribution as “the very least [He] could do” in the fight against the disease that causes more than 8 million deaths annually. “Now, obviously a $5,000 donation isn’t going to just make the cure appear by itself. Clearly, there’s no magic bullet for this thing. But every little bit helps. And knowing I might be making a small difference in the life of some kid with leukemia or mom with breast cancer just makes me feel like I did my part.” The Divine Creator of Life, Heaven, and Earth told reporters that if the timing works out, He also plans to participate in a 10K benefit run for Hodgkin lymphoma this fall.
Everyone In Middle East Given Own Country In 317,000,000-State Solution #~# NEW YORK—Marking the latest and most ambitious attempt to bring stability to the region, the United Nations announced Wednesday that every single person in the Middle East will receive his or her own sovereign nation as part of a historic 317,000,000-state solution.
Mom Starting To Fear Son’s Web Series Closest Thing She Will Have To Grandchild #~# WHITE PLAINS, NY—With still no indication that her 30-year-old son Bryan has any interest in entering a romantic relationship or starting a family, area mother Kathleen Williamson told reporters this week that she is starting to fear his web series is the closest thing she will ever have to a grandchild. “At this point, he’s made about 40 episodes and doesn’t do much else, so unless something changes, I think this is all I’m going to get,” the 62-year-old said while browsing the website for Two Weeks Notice, a comedy web series about a group of perpetually unemployed roommates in Brooklyn that her only child has written, directed, and starred in for the past five years. “I suppose there’s a chance he could meet someone and lose interest in making more of these, but this may very well be the only source of pride I get in my old age. It’s nice that I can watch Bryan’s show whenever I want, though.” At press time, sources confirmed that Williamson had visited the series’ fan page on Facebook and written “My son is hysterical!!” in the latest episode’s comments section.
NASA: Humans Will Find Aliens Within Next 20 Years #~# A panel of NASA scientists announced this week that they estimate humans will encounter extraterrestrials within the next 20 years, predicting that as many as 100 million worlds in the Milky Way may have alien life. What do you think?
Marvel Announces Thor Will Now Be Represented As A Woman #~# Marvel Comics has announced that the character Thor will now be represented as a woman, though she will still be referred to as the “God of Thunder” and wield the hammer of Thor, with officials explaining that “if we can accept Thor as a frog and a horse-faced alien, we should be able to accept a woman.” What do you think?
Voters Clamoring To Know If Female Political Candidate A Mother First #~# LINCOLN, NE—Loudly demanding an immediate statement on the issue, Nebraska voters clamored this week for more information from female politician Elaine Romero, an Omaha businesswoman running in the state’s upcoming gubernatorial primary election, on whether she is, in fact, a mother first. “Elaine Romero has made her stance on the social and economic issues facing Nebraskans abundantly clear, but we will not rest until she states clearly and on the record whether she is a mom first and foremost, and a politician second,” local resident Martin McGlynn said on behalf of 1.9 million restless Nebraskans, all of whom were vehemently pressing for answers on whether the 45-year-old public servant prioritizes her family above all else, considers her three children to be her proudest accomplishment, and—most crucially—sees her role as a mother as her most important job. “Time and time again, Ms. Romero has spoken on the need for government accountability and transparency, yet voters still don’t know whether she wakes up in the morning as a mother and not a candidate running for office, or if she works hard to balance politics and parenting. Why is she beating around the bush? Why won’t she just come out and say whether her goal in seeking public office is to help create a better world for her children to grow up in?” Though vowing to continue holding Romero’s feet to the fire on the subject, voters conceded they would be appeased if she admitted publicly that looking at her kids every day reminds her of what’s truly important.
NASA Announces Plans To Launch Chimpanzee Into Sun #~# WASHINGTON—In what is being called a crucial step forward in solar exploration, NASA officials announced Wednesday a new mission to launch a chimpanzee directly into the sun. “Chimpanzees are our closest biological relative, so we can learn a great deal by observing how they react to being deposited into the sun’s plasma core,” said NASA Administrator Charles Bolden, adding that the single-occupant capsule would contain sophisticated instruments that would monitor the effects of the sun’s 27 million-degree interior on the physiological functions of the animal. “Hopefully, what we learn from this mission will pave the way for sending human astronauts into the sun on a regular basis.” Bolden went on to suggest that, should humans be successfully launched into the sun, there may one day be a permanent colony there.
Brazilian Government Posts Listings For 12 Soccer Stadiums On Craigslist #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Listing the athletic facilities within two hours of the conclusion of the World Cup final, the Brazilian government has reportedly posted 12 separate advertisements for soccer stadiums on Craigslist, sources confirmed Wednesday. “This is a great, gently used stadium that seats almost 40,000,” read the post for Arena das Dunas, which featured three grainy photos of the locker room, pitch, and a concession stand, adding that prospective buyers could view the sporting arena, or any of its other 11 for-sale structures, in person by simply touring the unlocked facility on their own. “This is perfect for soccer matches, conventions, and college graduations, and would go great with any of the northeast stadiums that are also available. All buyers must be willing to remove from site on their own. Serious inquiries only, please.” At press time, the ad had reportedly been updated to state that Brazil would only be willing to sell the stadiums in one-to-one trades for schools and hospitals.
Police Department Reduces Costs By Using Same Evidence For Every Investigation #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Noting that the new procedure is far more efficient and has completely streamlined the investigative process, representatives from the Jacksonville Police Department confirmed Wednesday they have been able to sharply reduce costs by reusing the same evidence in every case they handle. “Our department used to spend considerable time and manpower scouring crime scenes for clues, obtaining search warrants, interrogating suspects, and interviewing witnesses, but since we started using the same gun and DNA swab for every crime, we’ve been able to breeze through investigations in no time,” said police chief Alec McCarthy, who stated that the Jacksonville police have been able to close every case that has come up since the new protocol was enacted as well as make a significant dent in the department’s accumulated backlog of unsolved crimes. “Homicide investigations would often drag on for weeks, but now we’re in and out in two hours. We knocked out a triple murder, four breaking and enterings, and two aggravated assaults with a deadly weapon just this morning, and we’re on track to wrap up a couple of old child abduction cold cases by the end of the day.” Citing the success of the new program, the department said it is considering reusing the same signed confession for each case as well.
New Plus-Size Clothing Store To Play Pre-Recorded Compliments In Fitting Rooms #~# According to the British website GetWestLondon, a new plus-size clothing store outside London plans to feature fitting rooms that play audio recordings of compliments while customers try on clothes. What do you think?
Archie Andrews Dies Taking Bullet For Openly Gay Friend #~# Archie Comics has revealed that in the penultimate issue of Life With Archie, Archie Andrews dies after throwing himself in the path of a bullet aimed at friend Kevin Keller, an openly gay senator pushing for more gun control. What do you think?
Baseball Fans Excited For All-Star Game, Theoretically #~# MINNEAPOLIS—As the best players in baseball prepare to go head-to-head at Target Field, millions of fans across the nation expressed their excitement for Tuesday evening’s MLB All-Star Game, theoretically speaking. “The most talented and popular players from the American and National Leagues will be on the same field for a single star-studded matchup, so this is a game that everybody looks forward to every year, you would think,” 29-year-old Baltimore Orioles fan Brandon Capps told reporters, noting that the opportunity to watch the game’s very best pitchers, hitters, and fielders vie for home-field advantage in the World Series is one that—at least on paper—makes the Midsummer Classic the premier event of the season. “Just imagine: Clayton Kershaw takes the hill and sends a sizzling 98-mile-per-hour four-seamer to Mike Trout, who launches the ball to center field, where Andrew McCutchen snags it just before it goes over the wall and fires it back in time to catch Robinson Cano before he crosses home plate. In the purest of hypothetical terms, it’s a can’t-miss game.” Capps added that, following the conclusion of the All-Star break, there is nothing more thrilling than watching the second half of the regular season, where one could conceivably argue that every single game is incredibly crucial.
Report Confirms No Need To Make New Chairs For The Time Being #~# ‘We Can Just Keep Using The Chairs We Have,’ Say Experts
Understanding The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict #~# Tensions have quickly escalated in Gaza following the recent collapse of peace talks and the subsequent kidnappings and murders of Israeli and Palestinian teens, with Israeli citizens now threatened by daily rocket fire from Hamas while Gaza residents endure the Israeli military’s devastating airstrikes. Here is a primer to help you understand the latest conflict in the region:
Whitewater Rafting Trip In Which Friend Drowned Still Pretty Fun #~# GLENWOOD SPRINGS, CO—With the sole exception of the death of a close friend, a recent whitewater rafting excursion was deemed a rousing success by the group’s five surviving members, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Except for Daryl falling out and drowning, this trip was a total blast,” said Justin Purley at the conclusion of an exhilarating day of paddling through canyons, navigating Class IV rapids, recovering their friend’s body from the river, and taking photographs of the scenic landscape. “That moment when he bounced out of the raft and smashed his head on the rocks was just about the only time the smile left my face the whole trip. Plus, we saw that eagle!” Purley added that the group would always remember Daryl, as well as the cool old arrowhead they found on the riverbank.
Shit, Guy In Front Of You Ordering For Entire Construction Crew #~# NEW YORK—After you realized that he was speaking with the deli counter attendant longer than is customary, it became apparent this afternoon that, goddammit, the guy in the reflective vest ahead of you in line is placing an order for all of his fellow construction workers. “Shit,” you reportedly lamented silently upon noticing the small piece of paper in the man’s hand, which, according to a cursory glance, appears to contain at least 10 different sandwich orders, most with their own specified beverages and sides. “Oh, come on, not the cell phone. Jesus, is he double-checking an order with someone? No fucking way.” At press time, well shit, there goes the last chicken parm sub, for fuck’s sake.
Study: Women Threatened By Peers Wearing Red #~# According to a new study in which women were shown pictures of peers wearing dresses of different colors, subjects viewed those wearing the color red as sexual threats or romantic rivals. What do you think?
Putting Ice Cream In Bowl Momentarily Considered #~# BLOOMINGDALE, NJ—While standing in his kitchen Thursday, 36-year-old Michael Morse briefly flirted with the idea of scooping ice cream from its carton into a bowl prior to eating it, an action ultimately rejected as unnecessary after calculating the precious seconds that would be squandered in the effort, household sources reported. “After evaluating the logistics at play, it quickly became apparent that transporting the ice cream in a straight line from the carton to my face was the quickest and most efficient process,” said Morse, who contended that an intermediate vessel was not only needless, but also a liability in terms of rapid ice cream consumption. “This is double fudge ice cream we’re talking about here, so transferring it to my mouth, and ultimately my belly, as expeditiously as possible was my chief concern; thus, a bowl was summarily ruled out. Mmm! Oh, God, this is good.” At press time, Morse looked down at his spoon and momentarily considered cutting down the process even further by forgoing the utensil altogether before ultimately deciding against it.
World Cup Draws Record US Television Ratings #~# The 2014 FIFA World Cup drew record TV ratings in America with 25 million viewers tuning in to the USA-Portugal match, reaching more people than either the NBA Finals or the MLB World Series, though some sports analysts have argued that Americans’ passion for the sport will not survive past the tournament. What do you think?
Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl Recaptured By Taliban After Wandering Off Texas Base #~# WASHINGTON—Just weeks after Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl’s release from captivity in Afghanistan, U.S. defense officials announced that the 28-year-old had been recaptured by Taliban forces Monday shortly after wandering off base in Texas. “It is with regret that we inform you that at approximately 1200 hours today, Sgt. Bergdahl left his post, was seized by insurgents outside San Antonio, and taken into Taliban custody,” said Pentagon spokesman John Herndon, explaining that, on his first day back on active duty, Bergdahl slipped out of Fort Sam Houston with only a backpack and a notebook, ventured for five miles on foot, and was shortly thereafter abducted by a group of militant jihadists, a sequence of events that was largely corroborated by Bergdahl himself in a Taliban propaganda video released this afternoon. “Based on emails he sent this morning, it appears that Sgt. Bergdahl may have grown disillusioned with his return to service and voluntarily ventured outside the base. We have reclassified him as ‘missing/captured,’ and the U.S. Army will do everything in its power to secure his release and repatriate him, once again, to the United States.” At press time, a spokesman for the Obama administration announced that the president was currently in negotiations to hand over five high-value Taliban prisoners in exchange for Bergdahl.
Man Needs Verbal Assurance That Hand Stamp Will Get Him Back In #~# ZANESVILLE, OH—As he hesitantly prepared to exit the grounds of the Zanesville Summer Street Fest Sunday afternoon, local man Brad Ackerman reportedly required explicit verbal assurance from the event’s admissions staff that his hand stamp would in fact get him back into the festival without any difficulty. “So, I’m not gonna have to pay the five bucks again when I come back, right?” Ackerman asked a gate attendant while gesturing toward the light purple dot he received on the back of his left hand. “And I won’t have to stand in line a second time. I’ll be able to show you or whoever else my stamp, and I can just walk back in, no problem? Okay, just wanted to make sure.” According to sources, Ackerman ultimately did not return to the festival.
Study Finds People On Dates Know Within 30 Seconds If Other Person Is Newt Gingrich #~# AUSTIN, TX—Examining the importance of first impressions when meeting potential romantic partners, a study released Monday by the University of Texas found that individuals on first dates are able to tell within just 30 seconds whether the other person is former House Speaker and presidential candidate Newt Gingrich. “Within just half a minute, the average person rapidly evaluates a number of physical and social cues from the individual he or she is with and makes up his or her mind about whether or not he or she is in the company of longtime Georgia representative Newt Gingrich,” said researcher Marcia Hills, adding that the findings applied equally to men and women, as well as straight and homosexual individuals. “You can be having an engaging conversation, but the truth is you’ve already instinctively determined whether the person sitting across from you led the 1994 Republican Revolution in Congress before your drinks have even arrived. Whatever else happens during the date, your actions will ultimately be governed by what you knew in your heart about this individual moments after you met.” The researchers also found that while many people continued their date out of courtesy, a significant number realized there could never be much romantic potential with Gingrich and immediately began searching for excuses to leave.
Youngest Sibling In Family Kind Of Thought Mom Would Lose Steam By Now #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Saying that she still strictly enforces household rules and closely monitors where he goes with friends, high school junior and youngest of three siblings Rob Shearer told reporters this week that he had kind of assumed his mother, Anne Shearer, 51, would have lost some steam by now. “I guess I just thought that after more than 20 years of parenting she’d be kind of beaten down, but she still makes me check in with her any time I go anywhere,” said Shearer, noting that he had been counting on the cumulative exhaustion of raising two kids before him to drain his mother of the willpower to impose curfews, levy punishments for poor grades, and follow through on things she had asked him to do. “My older brother alone should have completely wore her out with all the stuff he did in high school, let alone my sister. But somehow Mom still has enough left in the tank to demand that I earn my car and TV privileges instead of just letting me do whatever I want. I can’t believe she has this kind of stamina.” Shearer noted that, on the positive side, his father, Craig Shearer, 59, was just as disengaged as ever.
Messi: ‘I’m Sorry I Let Down The People Of Barcelona’ #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—After suffering a crushing defeat to Germany in Sunday’s World Cup final, visibly emotional Argentina star Lionel Messi offered a heartfelt apology to all of his fellow compatriots in Barcelona. “To everyone back home in Barcelona: I’m sorry I couldn’t win it for you,” Messi told reporters, adding that he had hoped to parade the hallowed World Cup trophy through the streets of Catalonia. “It was always my dream to win this honor for my people, but I gave absolutely everything I had on the field and just fell short. Even in defeat, I can honestly say I’ve never felt more proud to be Catalan.” Sources close to Messi later confirmed his private fear that after his disappointing performance in the final, he will never be able to show his face in Catalonia again.
World Cup Inspires Whole New Generation Of Foreign Players To Someday Play For U.S. #~# BRASILIA, BRAZIL—Following the country’s successful run to the World Cup round of 16 in Brazil, sources confirmed Friday that the tournament has already inspired an entirely new generation of young foreign players to someday play for the U.S. national team. “Just seeing guys like Julian Green and Jermaine Jones made me realize that when I get older, maybe I could figure out a way to become eligible to represent the United States,” said 14-year-old soccer player and Frankfurt, Germany native Martin Köhler, who told reporters that watching the U.S. has motivated him to look into whether one of his grandparents might have been born in America, thereby allowing him to play for the team under FIFA eligibility rules. “Or maybe I could live in the States for five years and then join the U.S. team after playing for Germany at the youth level. It’s a long shot, sure, but then again, there’s no way I’ll be good enough to play for Germany’s senior team, so this will probably be the only way I can go to a World Cup.” Köhler went on to express his confidence that despite his mediocre touch and middling passing ability, he could likely win a spot on the U.S. roster in time for the 2018 World Cup.
‘Hunger Games’ Name Among Most Popular Of 2014 #~# According to the baby names site Nameberry, “Katniss,” a name created for the  sci-fi Hunger Games trilogy and the films based on those works, is one of the most frequently searched-for names on the site’s database. What do you think?
First Transgender Person Nominated For Emmy #~# Nominated in the “Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series” category for her  role on the Netflix series Orange Is The New Black, Laverne Cox is  the first transgender individual ever to be considered for an Emmy, a  distinction that comes on the heels of her appearance on the cover of  Time magazine, another milestone for a transgender person. What do you think?
LeBron James Guarantees Cleveland Will Win Numerous Regular Season Games #~# CLEVELAND—Immediately following the highly anticipated announcement that he will be returning to the Cavaliers, NBA superstar LeBron James boldly guaranteed that Cleveland will win numerous regular season games, sources confirmed Friday. “It’s not going to be easy, but I can personally assure you that the Cavs will win multiple games now that I’m back home,” the 4-time NBA MVP and Akron, Ohio native told reporters, claiming that putting together as many as four or five regular season wins for the franchise was “more than just a possibility.” “Just look at the team we’ve got: Kyrie Irving, Dion Waiters, Anderson Varejao, and now me. With a squad like that, you know we’re going to be seeing quite a few wins come October. That’s what the people of Cleveland deserve.” James added that, provided everything falls into place for the team, he could even see the Cavaliers putting together back-to-back Eastern Conference Finals losses.
Two Dozen Restaurant Patrons Made Violently Ill From Marriage Proposal #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—Complaining of intense abdominal cramping and diarrhea, more than two dozen patrons at La Bergerie reportedly fell violently ill Thursday night after witnessing a marriage proposal. “My wife and I got really sick, and we’re pretty sure it was that ring in the champagne glass that did it,” said Stephen Fitzgerald, 45, who told reporters he was able to suppress his nausea only until the bride-to-be began crying and called her mother, at which point he hurried to the restroom to vomit for several minutes. “I mean, it could’ve also been the string quartet that came out of nowhere while the guy dropped to one knee, but there’s no doubt in my mind it was something in that proposal. Honestly, I’m getting a little queasy just talking about it.” Fitzgerald added that he’d likely never go back to La Bergerie, but if he did, he’d definitely steer clear of the tables near young couples.
Study Finds Humans Only Animals Capable Of Recognizing Former Selves In Mirror #~# NEW YORK—A new study published Thursday in the journal Animal Cognition revealed that human beings are the only animals capable of recognizing the dim shadow of their former selves in the mirror. “As our research shows, Homo sapiens remains the sole species with the ability to behold its reflection and identify the youthful visage it once presented to the world,” said New York University evolutionary psychologist and study lead author Gary Marcus, adding that humans and humans alone possess the intellectual capacity to peer into a reflective surface and perceive the lively expression and fresh-faced features buried beneath sagging skin. “While previous studies suggest that some animals—including nonhuman primates, dolphins, and even elephants—respond to their reflection with varying degrees of self-awareness, we find that only humans have the cognitive faculties required to gaze into a mirror and see the vital, hopeful individuals they once were. It is worth pointing out, however, that the human brain generally perceives this phantom image for only a few seconds before it fades away, leaving behind the wrinkles, sallow complexion, and dull, lifeless eyes to which the person has become accustomed over the years.” Marcus also noted that, even after this fleeting view of their former selves fades away, humans are uniquely endowed with the immense levels of self-denial necessary to pretend they’re still the same people they’ve always been.
Community A Wasteland Of Professional Athletes’ Failed Side Businesses #~# FORT MYERS, FL—With shuttered windows, empty parking lots, and clearance sale banners dotting nearly every block, the community of Fort Myers, Florida has in recent years become a veritable wasteland of professional athletes’ failed side businesses, sources confirmed Thursday.
Study: 20% Of High School Seniors Smoke Hookahs #~# A study in the journal Pediatrics found that one in  five high school seniors smoked a hookah in the previous year and that  white males from higher-income families were most likely to have used  the water pipe. What do you think?
Man Failing To Heed Harsh Lessons Of Past Orders Sonic Bacon Cheeseburger Toaster #~# BARTLETT, IL—Turning his back on the opportunity to learn from countless erstwhile mistakes, 29-year-old resident Jason Connolly reportedly failed to heed the many harsh lessons of the past Thursday and instead opted to order a Bacon Cheeseburger Toaster from a local Sonic restaurant. “I’ll have the Toaster with extra BBQ sauce, please,” Connolly said in a blatant disregard of history’s cruel but obvious truths, thereby dooming himself to repeat the seemingly endless cycle of misery and pain. “Actually, let’s make that a combo. With a Coke. Thanks.” At press time, in a stark and sobering reminder of the human condition itself, a sweating and visibly uncomfortable Connolly had just begun to comprehend the tangible consequences of his careless ignorance.
Man Confused By Compliment From Person Whose Career He Can’t Help #~# QUINCY, MA—Local man Alex Heard told reporters Thursday that he was thoroughly confused after receiving a compliment from an acquaintance despite the fact that he could in no way advance this individual’s career or assist him professionally whatsoever. “I think Mike [Dawes] knows that I don’t have any pull at my office, so I’m not sure what his angle is here,” said Heard, adding that he was at a complete loss to come up with another ulterior motive Dawes may have had for his praise. “We actually work in completely different fields, and he’s never expressed any interest in doing my type of work before, so it just doesn’t make any sense that he’d say something like that. I mean, who knows? Maybe he meant it.” At press time, Heard had returned home to find a LinkedIn invitation from Dawes waiting in his inbox.
NFL Releases New Study On Dangers Of Concussions In Youth Soccer #~# NEW YORK—Stressing a responsibility to educate the public on the risks involved with participating in the sport, the NFL released a groundbreaking new study Thursday revealing the high risk of concussions in youth soccer. “As our research confirms, soccer poses an unparalleled threat of serious concussions to young athletes, and the rate of traumatic brain injuries stemming from on-field collisions and other incidents is becoming a very real cause for concern,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters at a morning press conference, citing findings in the league-funded study that confirmed that players as young as 7 frequently suffer concussion symptoms like blurred vision, dizziness, and loss of cognitive function as a direct consequence of their involvement in youth soccer games. “The risks are unfortunately as clear as day. You have young kids running around at top speeds, heading a ball multiple times per game, and wearing virtually no protective equipment at all. It’s no wonder that we’ve now seen countless instances of concussion-related trauma that could have been prevented had the victim never stepped onto the field in the first place. Simply put, no parent should allow his or her child to play this violent, hazardous game.” According to sources, the NFL’s latest study comes on the heels of similar papers issued earlier this year that illustrate the stark dangers inherent in such sports as basketball, baseball, hockey, tennis, volleyball, all track and field events, and golf.
Judge: Insane Clown Posse Juggalos Can Be Classified As Gang #~# A federal judge has thrown out a lawsuit brought by fans of the rap-rock  group Insane Clown Posse that alleged being listed in a 2011 FBI report  on gangs has led to unfair targeting by police, finding that the federal  government was not responsible for how local authorities used a  national report. What do you think?
Man Who Watched Most Of World Cup Match Knows Exactly How To Fix U.S. Team #~# ROANOKE, VA—Explaining precisely what the national team must do in order to compete with the sport’s global superpowers, local 39-year-old David Bower, who watched most of a single World Cup match over the last month, revealed Wednesday that he knows exactly how to fix the U.S. soccer team going forward. “The problem is the midfield—that’s always a weak spot for us,” said Bower, who reportedly only paid attention for roughly 70 minutes of the U.S. team’s round of 16 defeat to Belgium, during which he frequently browsed Facebook on his iPhone and missed the first 10 minutes of extra time while making himself a sandwich. “That guy Bradley isn’t good enough, and we just don’t have any good strikers outside of Jozy Altidore. What we really need is to play more like Germany—see, they know how to move the ball, and if we can do that, then we’ll be able to beat the best teams.” Bower then went on to confidently assert that the U.S. could have future success at the World Cup if it simply brings through a player on par with Lionel Messi and Neymar.
Criminal Prosecuted To Fullest Extent Of Budget #~# STOCKTON, CA—Concluding proceedings of a case that will now be sent to a jury it lacked the means to properly vet, San Joaquin District Attorney James Willett told reporters Monday that he believes his office prosecuted a suspected murderer to the fullest extent of its budget. “I can assure the public we used all of the very limited resources at our disposal to build this case,” said Willett, adding that his underpaid colleagues never rested as they attempted to make up for the recent layoffs of their legal assistants. “From day one we worked around the clock combing through whatever evidence had not been rendered inadmissible by the shoddy work of our overburdened, understaffed police force. Then we determined the maximum charges we could bring and settled on something lesser to ensure we got a conviction and avoided completely squandering our department’s meager funding.” Willett confirmed that he is confident the jury will put the suspect behind bars until whenever prison overcrowding forces the state to grant an early release.
Why Hotel Rooms Cost So Much #~# Americans pay an average of $1,000 per month to rent their apartments, yet booking a hotel room for one night can cost hundreds of dollars, leading many consumers to question why hotels charge so much for rooms. Here’s The Onion’s look at where your money goes when you book a hotel room:
Study Finds Children Of Same-Sex Parents Happier And Healthier #~# Contradicting assertions that children with same-sex parents would be hindered by not being raised by both a male and a female, a study from the University of Melbourne found that such children actually scored higher than children with opposite-sex parents in measures of general health and family cohesion. What do you think?
British Royal Family Places Queen Elizabeth In Nursing Home #~# LONDON—Concluding it was the best way to ensure she remains comfortable during her twilight years, the British Royal Family recently placed Queen Elizabeth II into a local nursing home, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Members of the Royal Family are in agreement that they simply do not have the time or resources to personally provide Her Majesty with the type of constant care she needs and deserves at this point,” said a Buckingham Palace spokesman, adding that the family had selected a facility within the city of London in order to make monthly visits from her children and grandchildren feasible. “The Queen has never wanted to be a burden, and with this arrangement she will be surrounded by others at a similar stage in their lives. While the accommodations are perhaps not what she is accustomed to, she will no doubt enjoy the many organized activities, such as movie night and occasional excursions to the shopping mall.” At press time, Prince Charles was assuring his irate mother that she would be put in a private room as soon as one was available.
Mick Jagger Blamed For Brazil’s Historic World Cup Defeat #~# Some Brazilians are blaming Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger for their  nation’s humiliating 7-1 loss to Germany in the World Cup semifinals Tuesday,  suggesting he regularly jinxes teams he cheers for and that the yellow  and green jersey he wore in support of his Brazilian son spelled doom  for the tournament’s host country. What do you think?
Obama Always Freaked Out By People Standing Above Him Smiling Whenever He Signs Bill #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the practice is “just flat-out bizarre if you think about it,” President Obama admitted to reporters Wednesday that he gets incredibly freaked out when people stand over him and smile every time he signs a bill into law. “They form this peculiar little semicircle around me, flash these big, forced grins, and watch over my shoulder as I write my signature—the whole thing really just weirds me out,” said Obama, adding that he would much prefer signing new legislation alone in the Oval Office “without anyone breathing down my neck.” “It’s always some members of Congress or my cabinet, and there are usually some small business owners or veterans or whatever, but the absolute worst is when a group of little children literally surround my desk and hover over me as I sign a bill. It’s so creepy.” Obama, however, expressed some measure of relief, anticipating that he will only have to endure the uncomfortable situation on one or two more occasions before leaving office.
Friend Takes Liberty Of Ordering $40 Worth Of Appetizers For Entire Table #~# ATLANTA—Speaking up on behalf of his six-person group at Morrie’s Tavern & Grill Tuesday evening, software engineer Bradley McCray reportedly took it upon himself to order a wide selection of appetizers totaling approximately $40. “Yeah, let’s get two loaded potato skins, a plate of habanero poppers, and a few baskets of chips and guac for the table,” McCray was overheard telling the waitress, neglecting to consult the other members of his party before committing them to the large assortment of pre-dinner fare. “Are the regular or chipotle hot wings better? You know, how about you just bring us one of each? And we’re also gonna start off with a pitcher of strawberry margaritas to share.” At press time, the rest of the table was watching helplessly as McCray asked to see the dessert menu.
45 Million Gallons Of Crude Blood Lost In Red Cross Pipeline Rupture #~# LAS CRUCES, NM—In what is being called the worst blood disaster in U.S. history, the Red Cross’ Western Blood Pipeline ruptured Tuesday evening, spilling 45 million gallons of crude O positive across a three-mile radius. “I’ve never seen anything like this; right now there’s blood up to four feet deep in some places, and it’s beginning to seep into the local water supply,” said Red Cross relief worker Tony Benson, adding that volunteers were needed for the massive effort to clean the blood-soaked wildlife located near the Texas-California pipeline. “Long term we’re looking at hundreds of millions of dollars in cleanup and property damage, but right now the challenge will just be scrambling to make up for the sheer loss of blood.” At press time, authorities warned residents to stay in their homes while helicopters spray the area with anticoagulants.
Legal Dream Team Of Coworkers Counsel Woman On Strategy For Speeding Ticket #~# HAGERSTOWN, MD—Local woman and Helios Network Solutions sales manager Patricia Carson reportedly received astute counsel from a veritable legal dream team of coworkers Tuesday, who dispensed invaluable advice on how to get out of a recent speeding ticket.
‘Cats’ Musical To Feature Rapping Cat #~# Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber announced this week that a London revival of his international smash musical Cats would feature, for the first time, a rapping cat. What do you think?
Magnanimous Boss, King Of Kings, Allows Employees To Watch World Cup In Office #~# BOULDER, CO—In a glorious display of his infinite compassion and charity, sources within PLG Marketing Group confirmed Tuesday that the great and magnanimous CEO Daniel Weiss, King of Kings, will allow his employees to freely watch the World Cup semifinal match on a television in the office. “If anyone is interested, today’s World Cup game will be on in the small conference room, so feel free to stop by,” His Grace, The Wise And Benevolent, The Giver Of All Things, reportedly wrote in a company-wide email, reaching down from on high to bestow upon his disciples the splendid fruits of their labor. “The game starts at 2, so be sure to finish up your work before then. Go Germany!” At press time, PLG’s entire staff was quietly debating whether to watch the match in the conference room or to simply stream it discreetly on their computers as they have been doing for the entire tournament thus far.
Elderly Man Can’t Wait For Senility To Erase Lifetime Of Regretful Memories #~# CLEARWATER, FL—Having in recent years noticed the gradual decline in his mental function, local retiree James Latham, 83, told reporters Tuesday that he is eagerly waiting for his encroaching senility to erase a lifetime’s worth of bitter memories. “I’ve got regrets I’ve been dwelling on every single day for 50, 60, even 70 years, so it’s going to be really nice when dementia finally runs that stuff out the door once and for all,” Latham said, expressing hope that the impending deterioration of the brain structures responsible for memory would spare him from contemplating the unrequited loves, unfulfilled aspirations, and dissolved friendships that have haunted him decade after decade. “I can already barely remember the details of my numerous unsuccessful businesses, and the other day, I completely forgot why it is that my son refuses to speak to me. Why, even now, I can’t come up with the name of that pretty girl in my old apartment building who I never worked up the courage to talk to—yeah, this is going to be fantastic.” At press time, Latham was sitting nude on a park bench, soiling himself as he vividly recalled every agonizing detail of his second failed marriage.
Crumbs Cupcake Shops Out Of Business #~# Crumbs Bake Shop, best known for its cupcakes, announced Monday  that it would be closing all locations by the end of the day, a move  that stunned employees and suggested the cupcake craze of recent years  might be over. What do you think?
Breaking: LeBron James Leaning Toward Joining Al-Qaeda #~# MIAMI—After viewing its latest pitch highlighting all he could accomplish with its organization, NBA power forward LeBron James confirmed Tuesday that he is currently leaning toward joining the militant Islamic group al-Qaeda. “I’ve been doing my due diligence, and right now I’m really interested in [al-Qaeda leader] Ayman al-Zawahiri’s vision and what he has already built over there,” said James, adding that while he has also considered offers from terrorist organizations such as Boko Haram and the Taliban, he believes heading to al-Qaeda remains his best opportunity to defeat the West in the immediate future. “It seems like they’re open to doing a max deal, but I’d be willing to take a pay cut if that’s what it’ll take for them to bring in a big-time cell leader to work alongside me. Of course, I also can’t ignore their storied history and the fact that they have such a loyal following. I’m certain they have the personnel to take out both L.A. and San Antonio. Overall, I think moving to the Arabian Peninsula is the best option for me right now, and it will help take me to the next level.” At press time, James confirmed that his agent Rich Paul, who has been overseas negotiating with the group, has not been heard from in six days.
German Team Hoping To Lift Nation’s Spirit Following Reports Of 5% Unemployment #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—Aspiring to provide a boost for the beaten down nation, members of the Germany national soccer team expressed hope Tuesday that a victory over Brazil in the World Cup semifinals will help lift up their countrymen following reports that their current unemployment rate sits at 5 percent. “A win today would mean so much to Germany during tough times like these,” said midfielder Thomas Muller, confirming that a strong showing on the pitch has the potential to offer a much-needed escape, if only for one afternoon, to a country currently facing the bitter reality of ranking behind four other nations on the Human Development Index. “We know that we can’t change the fact that our average countryman’s life expectancy is 80.89 years, or that we’re still waiting on a high-speed rail line to connect Hanau and Gelnhausen. But maybe, in some small way, we can use this game today to remind everyone that it is still a great thing to be a German.” Muller added that he and the team intend on praying before the game for the growing segment of the German population reportedly dissatisfied with their universal health care.
Moon Finally Hatches #~# WASHINGTON—Several weeks after discovering unusual fissures on the lunar surface, astronomers confirmed today that the fracturing of the moon had begun to rapidly accelerate. “Cracks in the lunar mantle between craters Tycho and Stevinus have spread and deepened considerably since first detection,” said NASA researcher Marc Robinson, adding that a viscous liquid substance had been observed seeping out from the moon’s core. “It appears as if something is almost purposefully tearing through the layers of rock from the inside.” At press time, the hatchling had sunk its talons into the Earth and flown off.
Inside Harry Potter World’s New Diagon Alley #~# Harry Potter fans lined up at Universal Studios Orlando today for the opening of Diagon Alley, the highly anticipated expansion to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park, which features new rides, restaurants, and shops based on the fictional street. Here are some highlights of the new area:
Few More Items Knocked Off List Of Desirable Traits In Partner As Woman Turns Year Older #~# SANTA CLARITA, CA—After turning 29 last week, local single woman Denise Palermo reportedly took the opportunity Tuesday to reflect on her current lack of long-term relationship prospects and slash several more items from the continually shrinking list of qualities she desires in a romantic partner.
Study: Psychedelic Mushrooms May Be Good For Brain #~# According to a study published in the journal Human Brain  Mapping, the chemical psilocybin, which produces the hallucinatory effects experienced by people ingesting psychedelic “magic mushrooms,” may also produce feelings of optimism and happiness that last months after the mushrooms are consumed. What do youthink?
TSA To Prohibit Uncharged Electronic Devices #~# In an effort to ensure that electronics such as cell phones and laptop  computers are not explosives in disguise, the Transportation Security  Administration has announced new protective measures that will require  passengers on some U.S.-bound international flights to activate such  devices during security screening. Anything uncharged will not be  permitted on board an aircraft. What do you think?
Environmental Study Finds Air In Chicago Now 75% Bullets #~# CHICAGO—Highlighting increasingly dangerous conditions within the city, a new study published Monday by Northwestern University’s Department of Environmental Studies revealed that approximately 75 percent of the air in Chicago is now composed of bullets. “Far exceeding the levels of carbon dioxide, nitrogen, and even oxygen, bullets now constitute three-fourths of Chicago’s air supply,” said atmospheric scientist and study co-author John Molina, stressing that the dense and widespread deposits of jacketed lead and copper in the air pose severe and potentially fatal health risks to all Chicago residents. “According to our measurements, the proportion of bullets in Chicago’s overall air composition is significantly higher than that of other cities with comparable sizes and population densities. Frankly, if this trend continues—and there is unfortunately little evidence suggesting otherwise—living safely within the confines of Chicago will be almost impossible.” Molina went on to suggest that Chicago’s 2.7 million residents stay indoors whenever possible in order to minimize their exposure.
Each Line Of MasterCard Billing Statement Evokes Infuriating Vacation Memory #~# SPRINGFIELD, MO—A month after his return from his tropical vacation to Puerto Rico, every single line of local man Kevin Goodrich’s latest MasterCard billing statement has reportedly conjured an infuriating memory from the trip, sources confirmed Monday. “This one for $122.85 was when we left our hotel in San Juan 15 minutes after checkout and that prick at the front desk charged us for another full night,” said Goodrich, who was momentarily whisked back to the Caribbean while perusing the monthly statement’s assortment of frustrating vacation-related expenses, which included debits for overpriced meals, crowded tourist excursions, and an array of unexpected surcharges and commission fees, totaling more than $2,500. “Look—this is from that time my ATM card inexplicably stopped working and I had to use my MasterCard to get a cash advance with a huge markup. And right here is the $80 I ended up paying our cab driver after he drove us to the wrong airport on our last day there. That was right before we missed our flight.” Goodrich added that looking through the charges on the same month’s AT&T statement also provided a unique window into the calling habits of the pickpocket who stole his phone while he was waiting in line to enter Fort San Felipe del Morro.
Man Flirting With Girl At Party Can’t Wait To Be Informed She Has Boyfriend #~# PASADENA, CA—Speaking with reporters from a crowded house party Friday, area man Trent Dobson, 26, said that he simply couldn’t wait for the woman with whom he’d been flirting for the last 20 minutes to inform him that she has a boyfriend. “I have definitely been hitting it off with Alison [Hines], and I’m really looking forward to later tonight when, just as I’m working up the courage to ask for her number, she offhandedly mentions that she’s meeting up with her boyfriend of two years after the party,” Dobson said while grabbing more drinks for the two of them, adding that he was eager to get back to the conversation so that he could hear her use the name Travis in the course of their discussion, casually specify that he’s her boyfriend, and then continue with her anecdote. “There’s just so much we have in common: the same offbeat sense of humor, we’re passionate about the same issues, we’re into the same music. I think I’ve finally met someone who understands me and who is already in a loving and stable relationship that I’m going to be notified of very soon.” Dobson added that he didn't want to get ahead of himself, but if the rest of the night played out “just right,” he’d soon cap off the evening by returning to his apartment alone and watching a movie he’s already seen numerous times until he fell asleep.
Ravens Warn Rookies To Save Some Extra Money For Bail #~# BALTIMORE—Reminding them that it’s something even the league’s highest paid superstars must do, Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh reportedly took time Monday to advise the team’s incoming class of rookies to set aside savings for future bail payments. “It’s imperative that you guys start putting aside some money here and there—even if it’s only a few hundred dollars each month in a savings account—for when you’re sitting in a county jail at 4 a.m. and need to come up with a surety bond,” said Harbaugh, reminding the incoming players that their financial planning should also cover any potential legal fees for subsequent court hearings. “It may not seem like a big deal now, but we’ve unfortunately seen many great players suffer as a result of being totally unprepared for their future arrests. I know you see this big paycheck every week and it’s tempting to spend all of it right away, but just remember that you’ll need that money down the line for hefty state fines after pleading guilty to what will hopefully only be a few misdemeanor charges.” According to team sources, Harbaugh then reminded players that the Ravens offer financial advising to map out long-term investment plans so they can comfortably afford bail and legal costs long after their playing careers are over.
Man Pushing Self To Point Of Effort #~# ALBANY, NY—In what impressed coworkers are describing as an unprecedented application of minimal exertion, local office worker Doug Slater is reportedly just about pushing himself to the point of basic effort, sources confirmed Monday. “My God… Doug’s very nearly trying,” coworker Paula Jennings said as Slater summoned the will to motivate himself out of complete stasis. “I mean, we all want to get through our work and go home, but you can tell by the way he’s almost exerting himself that he sort of cares.” Jennings then cautioned that if Slater doesn't slow down or at least pace himself, he'll be burned out for the rest of the week.
Study: Too Much TV Can Lead To Early Death #~# According to an eight-year study published by the Journal of the American Heart Association, people who excessively watch television have a significantly higher risk of premature death from cardiovascular disease, cancer, and other causes than those who don’t. What do you think?
Delayed Rocket Launch Causes Astronaut To Miss Connecting Flight #~# MILKY WAY—Noting with exasperation that the whole thing had become “a logistical nightmare,” astronaut Rick Stolt told reporters today that a delayed Soyuz rocket launch caused him to miss his connecting flight from the International Space Station to the Andromeda Galaxy. “This is just typical Space Agency mismanagement for you—never on time,” said Stolt, panting after scrambling from one end of the space station to the other, only to arrive for his connecting spaceflight just moments after the airlock had sealed and the craft had departed. “Not only did they make me remove my entire suit at launchpad security, but there was absolutely no legroom once I boarded, the entertainment offerings were terrible, and we spent forever taxiing our module into our docking port. And now I can’t even catch another available Andromeda launch window until next May? I’m telling you, this is exactly why everyone hates flying in low earth orbit. Unbelievable.” Stolt conceded that as annoying as the experience had been, nothing compared to the inconvenience of a previous mission in 2005, when NASA misplaced his luggage, mistakenly rerouting it to Omega Centauri.
Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips #~# COVINGTON, KY—Expressing a deep sense of regret regarding his decision to take a chance on jalapeño, local 36-year-old Mike Willhite told reporters Wednesday that he now sees all too clearly his folly in straying from his beloved sour cream and onion potato chips. “Jeez, what was I thinking?” said a fiercely tormented Willhite, admitting that while the label’s tempting promise of “screamin’ southwestern flavor” seemed like an exciting departure from his customary fare, he never should have forsaken his loyalty to the smooth and savory flavor that, time and again, has faithfully sated him. “These ones aren’t as good. You just can’t go wrong with sour cream and onion.” Willhite stated that, though he made a grave and unforgivable error, he would bravely soldier forward, resigned to his fate, and eat all five servings contained in the bag in a single sitting.
Red Lobster Celebrates Return Of Annual All-You-Can-Eat Krill Fest #~# ORLANDO, FL—Saying that the offer includes all-you-can-eat portions of customers’ favorite krill entrées, casual dining chain Red Lobster announced this week the return of its popular Krill Fest seasonal promotion. “Whether you’re craving crunchy popcorn krill or you prefer your krill lightly sautéed, you’ll find mouthwatering platters piled high with fresh, succulent krill all this month at our locations nationwide,” said company president Salli Setta, noting that customers could purchase seawater-filled pails of the half-inch, heterotrophic crustaceans for $6.99, with family-size 58,000-piece vats available for $16.99. “Kick off your summer right with a Chesapeake Bay Krill Bake, Parrot Isle Coconut Krill, any of our Captain’s Choice Krill Platters, Krill Linguine Alfredo, or a Krill-Plankton Combo Barrel. They’re all right here at Red Lobster.” Setta added that customers should hurry into participating restaurants soon as Krill Fest deals will only be available until the end of the month, at which point the promotion will be replaced by the company’s annual Barnacle Bonanza.
Report: End Zones Are The 2 Big Trees And The Parking Lot #~# BEND, OR—Verifying that the size of the field is about right for a five-on-five game, reports out of Hillside Park confirmed Wednesday that the end zones are the two big trees and the edge of the parking lot. According to sources at the scene, the blue sweatshirt behind the trees marks the back of the one end zone, while the dirt patch near all the backpacks on the far side is said to be out of bounds. Early reports also indicated that there’s no tackling near the parking lot because it’s pavement and Adam fucked up his knee over there last time. At press time, several conflicting accounts surfaced suggesting that the two big trees are actually too close together, and someone should reportedly just find two sticks big enough to shove in the ground instead.
Cracks In Facade Visible As Teen Enters Third Day Vacationing With Friend’s Family #~# LAKE WINNIPESAUKEE, NH—As she entered her third day vacationing with the family of friend and classmate Jessica Matthieson, 15-year-old Kayla Phelps confided to reporters Tuesday that cracks had begun to emerge in the facade of domestic harmony that the Matthiesons had consistently projected.
Fireworks Safety Tips #~# Independence Day is quickly approaching, which means many friends and families are purchasing fireworks to set off in celebration. Here are some tips for preventing painful fireworks-related injuries:
Obama Narrowly Misses Quarterly Performance Bonus #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that he failed to hit his national growth goals for the April-June period, the White House’s Office of Personnel Management confirmed Tuesday that President Barack Obama fell just short of earning a quarterly performance bonus. “We lay out our expectations very clearly in a meeting with the president at the beginning of every fiscal quarter, and unfortunately he came up a bit shy of meeting the targets we set for him,” said White House administrator Sarah Hammond, citing a number of factors that reflected negatively on Obama’s performance evaluation, including his inability to raise GDP by the stipulated 2.75 percent or create 750,000 new jobs, benchmarks that Hammond said were “ambitious, but achievable.” “The president knew what his Q2 goals for health care sign-ups were, but he was unable to deliver the numbers we were looking for. He certainly didn’t knock it out of the park like [Secretary of Transportation] Anthony Foxx, who easily exceeded his target of 20 new highway interchanges over the same period. Now, if President Obama could achieve anything close to that next quarter, it would go a long way toward securing that $1,500 bonus.” At press time, sources confirmed that the president was somberly explaining to his wife and children that their trip to California would have to wait until next year.
Little-Known Facts About The Founding Fathers #~# On the Fourth of July, citizens across the country will gather with friends and family to celebrate the United States of America and the Founding Fathers who established our democracy. Here are some facts you may not know about the founders of our country:
Insufferable Man Utters Words ‘Craft Beer Movement’ #~# PORTLAND, OR—Sources within local pub Sullivan’s confirmed Thursday that an insufferably   awful bar patron used the phrase “craft beer movement” in a fully sincere, unironic sentence. “I   think the craft beer movement has completely revolutionized the bottled and draft beer industry,”   said the truly unbearable man as he ordered another Fat Tire, seemingly unaware that the words   coming out of his mouth were making all in earshot feel an acute mixture of revulsion and   rage. “The flavor profiles alone are so much more complex, and I think the true innovators in   the movement have reinvented beer, and craft beer specifically, as a luxury item.” At press time,   the insufferable male was speaking at length, and without prompting, about his own home brew.
Report: 57% Of All Activism Involves Petitions To Bring Back Discontinued Food Items #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released this week by the Pew Research Center, more than half of all activism in the United States now involves petitioning corporations to bring back beloved, discontinued food items. “Our research has found that some 57 percent of the nation’s social demonstrations and grassroots movements are primarily motivated by citizens’ desire to ensure that a limited-edition potato chip flavor is made permanently available or to reinstate a promotional fast food menu item,” said the report’s lead author, Rebecca Sullivan, noting that Americans’ collective demand for the return of a given candy bar’s dark-chocolate or peanut-butter-filled iterations far outstripped their involvement in organized efforts to exonerate innocent prisoners, support third-party presidential candidates, or reverse the effects of global climate change. “We found that popular efforts to expedite the return of seasonal coffee offerings or revive a struggling cartoon-crossover cereal required activists to dedicate whole weeks to social media campaigns, community outreach programs, and personal entreaties to multinational companies. The level of fervor demonstrated in these cases was unparalleled by any other activist movement in the U.S.” Sullivan added that such advocacy was only rivaled by public efforts to make certain regional snack foods available throughout the country.
Area Man Sends Message To 3,600 Friends Asking What They're Up To Tonight #~# CHICAGO—Looking to do something fun to start off the weekend, local 25-year-old Alex Finley sent a text message Friday to 3,600 of his friends asking what they were up to that evening, multiple sources reported. “Hey, what’re you doing later?” Finley reportedly texted hundreds of times to close friends, coworkers, acquaintances, former roommates, old college buddies, and friends of friends in an effort to gauge whether anyone was heading to a party, grabbing dinner, or perhaps seeing a movie. “Don’t have firm plans yet, so I’m up for whatever!” At press time, Finley was scrolling through 2,487 replies, all of which reportedly relayed plans to just stay in and watch TV.
Abercrombie & Fitch Dropping Logos From Clothes #~# After years of plummeting sales, Abercrombie & Fitch has announced that it will drop its once-prized logos from all of its upcoming clothing lines to compete with competitors like Forever 21 and H&M. What do you think?
Poll: 89% Of Illegal Immigrants Would Prefer Path To Corporate Status #~# WASHINGTON—A new survey published Friday by Gallup researchers revealed that an overwhelming majority of illegal immigrants residing in the U.S. support changes to the naturalization process that would create a clear pathway to corporate status. “Nearly nine in 10 poll respondents noted that while citizenship would be nice, being recognized instead as a corporation would provide them with the fullest benefits of residing in the United States,” said lead researcher Megan Alvarez, adding that the overwhelming majority of the nation’s undocumented immigrants hoped to one day become a legal corporate entity and receive generous government subsidies and robust political representation. “Nearly everyone we surveyed agreed that paying minimal taxes and being exempt from governmental oversight was what American freedom really meant.” The poll also revealed that the majority of Americans were opposed to the idea, claiming that corporate status was a privilege reserved for the small minority of residents who were already wealthy and prosperous.
Doctors Optimistic Sam Bradford 2 Months Away From Beginning Work On Broadcasting Career #~# ST. LOUIS—Stressing that the 26-year-old is remaining positive during his initial recovery from a second season-ending knee injury, team doctors expressed their optimism Friday that St. Louis Rams quarterback Sam Bradford is just two months from starting work on a promising sports broadcasting career. “Given his MRI scans and the general timetable for any ACL reconstruction, Sam will need roughly 60 days before he can start laying the foundations for delivering concise and articulate color commentary during a live football broadcast,” said team orthopedic surgeon Dr. Matthew Matava, noting that based on the extent of the ligament damage, the former Heisman Trophy winner should be able to begin practicing on-camera play-by-play analysis in six to eight weeks. “A conservative estimate would have him working with a voice coach and reading text from a teleprompter within three months, but barring any major setbacks, he could begin that process as early as mid-October. Sam has shown a great commitment to his rehab, and he is already well on his way to comfortably exchanging banter on the set of a postgame show by the start of next season.” Matava went on to tell reporters he is “incredibly confident” that Bradford will go on to have a long and productive career on ESPN’s College GameDay.
Man Kicking Self For Wasting Valuable Plate Space At Beginning Of Buffet Line #~# FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Moments after taking generous servings from the first several steam trays at all-you-can-eat restaurant Pepper’s Kitchen, local man Lucas Schultz was reportedly kicking himself Friday for squandering precious plate space at the very outset of the buffet line.
Researchers: Panda Faked Pregnancy To Get More Bamboo #~# After discovering the marsupial wasn't actually pregnant as believed, researchers at the Chengu Giant Panda Breeding Research Center in China said that giant panda Ai Hin faked being pregnant in order to receive more bamboo, extra fruit treats, and a nicer room. What do you think?
Vikings Intrigued By Matt Cassel’s Ability To Get The Fuck Out Of Adrian Peterson’s Way #~# MANKATO, MN—Saying his dedication in the film room and on the practice field is beginning to yield dividends, members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Thursday that they have been very intrigued by starting quarterback Matt Cassel’s growing ability to get the fuck out of running back Adrian Peterson’s way. “Matt has displayed great balance and really fundamentally sound footwork when trying not to fuck up any of Adrian’s potential running lanes,” said head coach Mike Zimmer, noting that Cassel’s agility allows him to quickly and decisively move aside after handing the ball off to the six-time Pro Bowl running back. “He’s incredibly smooth when transitioning from the handoff to getting his ass as far away from Adrian as possible. That natural feel for how to steer absolutely fucking clear of the one person who could actually gain yards really opens up a lot of possibilities for our offense.” Zimmer added that Cassel also shows great command at the line of scrimmage when reading the defense and then quickly audibling between various running plays.
‘Hello Kitty’ Actually A British Schoolgirl #~# Fans of “Hello Kitty” were shocked after the curator for a new retrospective exhibit at the Japanese American National Museum revealed that the feline cartoon character, who has the face of a cat, is actually a third-grade British schoolgirl named Kitty White who lives outside London, though toy company Sanrio later clarified that classifying her as human is “going too far.” What do you think?
A Look At The Class Of 2018 #~# Next week, millions of freshmen will begin classes at colleges around the nation. Here’s a by-the-numbers look at the incoming class of 2018:
Secretary Of Interior Says Knocking Down Rocky Mountains Could Really Open Nation Up #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the renovation project will give the country a more modern look, U.S. Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell told reporters Friday that knocking down the Rocky Mountains could really open up the nation. “You know, if we were to just take out the Rockies, it would let in a lot more natural light and give those Plains states a nice, unobstructed view of the Pacific Ocean,” said Jewell, adding that demolishing and removing the 3,000-mile-long mountain range would also provide residents of Colorado and Wyoming with a more spacious living area. “Right now, it’s just so cramped throughout that whole region. It would make a huge change to the overall feel of the country if we were to just get rid of the Rockies. And then maybe we could finally do something about those Great Lakes.” The cabinet official admitted that tearing down the mountain range would be an expensive, long-term project, but said that she “wouldn’t be surprised” if the U.S. could get Canada to pay for half of the costs.
Koch Brothers Encouraging Youth To Make Voices Heard By Registering Super PAC #~# WICHITA, KS—Saying that perspectives of young Americans are rarely represented in today’s political discourse, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch released a public statement Thursday encouraging the nation’s youth to make their voices heard in the upcoming midterm elections by establishing an Independent Expenditure-Only Political Action Committee. “Today’s political decisions will have an enormous impact on all young Americans, which is why we hope you’ll participate in the democratic process this election by filling out Federal Election Commission Form 1 identifying yourselves as a 501(c)(4),” said Charles Koch, adding that if the nation’s 18-to-24-year-olds are going to help shape the future of the country, it is vital they begin soliciting millions of dollars in contributions from anonymous donors to be spent on a multilayered media strategy. “We don’t care if you spend your slush fund on attack ads, opposition research, push polling, or anything else—we just want you, the young people of America, to be involved. Managing a mostly unregulated war chest and concealing your strictly prohibited coordination with the candidate of your choice takes very little of your time. So please, don’t sit on the sidelines this November.” The Koch brothers added that they hoped today’s youth would stay politically active after the election by using their wealth to wield unending influence over their representative throughout his or her time in office.
New Rec Room Has Everything A Teen Could Want, Reports Church Youth Pastor #~# FINDLAY, OH—Saying the space would offer a laid-back atmosphere and a variety of fun activities for young people, 31-year-old local youth pastor Marc Kindler told reporters Thursday the new rec room at Grace United Church of Christ has everything a teenager could want.
Study Finds All-Consuming Self-Pity Best Way To Win Back Ex-Partner #~# CHICAGO—A study released Thursday by the University of Chicago’s Department of Psychology has found that debilitating self-pity is the most effective strategy to win back the love of a former romantic partner. “Our research shows that the more you lament your current situation, fixating on how you’ll never find anyone as good as your ex and how you can’t possibly enjoy life now that he or she is gone, the sooner that person will return to you and say he or she can’t live without you,” said report co-author Sylvia Hawkins, adding that researchers discovered a link between sitting on the couch all day staring teary-eyed into space and one’s former partner walking right back through the door. “The data revealed that ex-partners are twice as likely to call you up and say that the breakup was the biggest mistake of their lives if you torture yourself incessantly until you can barely function at work. Furthermore, we determined that there was a direct correlation between how much you feel sorry for yourself and the probability of an ex-lover desperately begging you to forgive him or her for leaving you.” The report also concluded that holding your head up high and moving on with your life virtually guaranteed that you would never find love again.
Report: Female Interns Earn Only Three-Fourths Of College Credit That Male Counterparts Do #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study published Wednesday by the Institute for Women’s Policy Research, female interns earn just three-quarters of the college credit that male interns receive for the same work. “Despite completing the same photocopying, collating, and other routine internship tasks as their male counterparts, women received an average of 2.25 credits, compared with men’s average of 3.0,” read the report, which found that the credit discrepancy existed across a variety of geographical regions and industries. “There definitely seems to be a credit ceiling for women. We consistently found that even women who fetched coffee, retrieved files, or ordered printer toner better than males in similar positions were nonetheless unable to advance beyond the 75-percent limit.” The study also concluded, however, that the sexual harassment gap between male and female interns had narrowed notably in recent years, with female interns now receiving 95 percent of improper sexual advances, down some 4 percent from previous studies.
New ‘Smart Polo’ Detects Wearer’s Stress Levels #~# At the U.S. Open this week, Ralph Lauren debuted new wearable technology called the “Smart Polo” shirt, which uses sensors integrated in the fabric to detect the wearer’s stress levels, that needs to be recharged after 30 workouts. What do you think?
Arby’s Offering Secret ‘Meat Mountain’ Sandwich For Those Who Ask #~# After Arby’s released an advertisement with an image of a huge stack of meat and started receiving requests from customers, the fast food chain started offering a $10 “Meat Mountain” sandwich to those who ask for it at the cash register. What do you think?
Michael Brown Audiotapes Conclusively Reveal Exactly What You Want Them To #~# FERGUSON, MO—An audiotape released yesterday that purportedly captures the shooting death of teenager Michael Brown at the hands of Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson definitively proves exactly what you want it to, according to experts. “This recording, in which two distinct bursts of gunfire can be heard, is irrefutable evidence that Officer Wilson either briefly paused before consciously deciding to kill an unarmed black teenager, or that Brown charged at him and caused him to use deadly force in his own self-defense,” said audio forensics specialist John Kilpatrick, adding that the 12-second clip recorded from a nearby apartment provided the kind of indisputable support for your point of view that would finally end weeks of speculation about the incident. “It’s impossible to listen to these tapes and not be utterly convinced that the shooting transpired exactly as you thought it did all along—the proof is right there.” The audio recording comes on the heels of an earlier video of Brown allegedly robbing a convenience store that experts say clearly validated beyond any doubt whatever you wanted to believe about young black men.
Elderly Lobbyist Always Droning On About How Little Legislation Cost In His Day #~# WASHINGTON—Citing his habit of haranguing younger colleagues about the way things used to be, sources confirmed Wednesday that 74-year-old veteran ExxonMobil lobbyist Hank Foraker is constantly droning on about how much cheaper legislation was back in his day.
How Do Militant Groups Attract Americans? #~# Douglas McAuthur McCain, an American recently killed in Syria fighting on behalf of ISIS, is not the first U.S. citizen to join a militant Islamist organization. Here are some ways that such groups recruit Americans:
Teacher Asks Students To Split Into 2 Groups To Simulate Ideal Class Size #~# GREENSBORO, NC—Hoping that a hands-on demonstration would help students grasp the concept, local teacher Rachel McKenzie reportedly instructed her class of 38 fourth-graders Wednesday to divide into two groups in order to simulate the conditions of an ideal class size. “Now, I want everyone whose names begin with A through L to split off into a group that I could teach quite effectively, and everyone else to form a group that I could supervise easily without spending all day dealing with disciplinary issues,” said McKenzie, urging the two groups to use their imaginations to pretend they were receiving the proper amount of individual attention.“I know this is an unusual idea that may be hard to fully understand, but I’d like everyone to try envisioning a class half our current size where I’d be able to adequately identify student needs, monitor progress, and cover far more material during the year.” At press time, McKenzie sent four children into the hall in order to reach the perfect simulated student-teacher ratio.
Unpopular Police Officer Thinking About Committing Racially Motivated Offense For A Little Support #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Tired of being overlooked by everyone in his precinct, unpopular Indianapolis Police Department officer Kyle Norris told reporters Wednesday he was considering committing a racially motivated offense to generate a little support. “To be honest, I’m not the most well-known or looked-up-to guy around here, but I’m thinking that if I get caught up in a controversy after shooting a minority resident under questionable circumstances, things would really change for me,” said Norris, who added that having his coworkers immediately rally around him after the incident, watching consecutive nights of public demonstrations defending his actions, and finally receiving praise directly from the chief of police would be a nice change of pace from his day-to-day life as an ignored and unappreciated member of the force. “Obviously, I’d take some heat from some citizens, but I think it would be worth it when just as many people respond by openly speaking about my exemplary record as an officer and calling me a pillar of the community. No one’s ever said that about me before. If this thing gets big enough, I might even see some people on Twitter and TV calling me a hero—that would feel good.” Norris added that it would probably also be a nice little boost when the 12 members of his jury take less than an hour to declare him not guilty.
Grandfather Not Taking South Korea’s Little League World Series Win Very Well #~# WARREN, OH—Following the conclusion of the Little League World Series Sunday, sources confirmed that local 82-year-old grandfather Harold Wright hasn’t been taking the South Korean team’s championship win particularly well. “It’s a travesty, is what it is,” Wright said in the wake of Seoul Little League’s 8-4 victory over Chicago’s Jackie Robinson West squad, reportedly staring in disgust at the group of exuberant Korean youth athletes celebrating on his television screen. “And in our own backyard, no less. What a shame.” At press time, sources confirmed that three days after the championship, Wright continued to occasionally shake his head while muttering, “God damn them.”
Eclipse Comes Just In Time To Save John Kerry From Tribe Of Island Cannibals #~# THE ISLE OF EMBERS—With the natives’ drumbeats suddenly falling silent as a mysterious midday darkness rolled across the island, sources confirmed that a solar eclipse occurred just in time Friday to stop imperiled U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry from being cooked alive by cannibals. “See what you’ve done? I bring the darkness! I command the sun! I am a very powerful man!” Kerry reportedly shouted after quickly assessing the situation, causing the tribe’s shaman to cry out in fear and fall prostrate to the ground while several tribesmen hastily lowered the roasting spit on which they had been carrying the United States’ top diplomat toward a blazing fire. “You cannot kill me, for I am a god! Release me now, and perhaps I will restore the light I have taken from you!” At press time, reports confirmed that the cannibals were reverently chanting the former Massachusetts senator’s name as they bore him on a luxurious sedan chair to a feast prepared in his honor.
Farmer Chases Fifth Wedding Party Out Of Barn This Month #~# BEREA, KY—Calling the problem “damn near out of control,” local farmer Cliff Contreau confirmed that the 125-person wedding reception he chased out of his barn Saturday evening was the fifth such wedding party he’s had to scare off his property this month. “They come in here almost every weekend stringing up incandescent light bulbs and taking photos next to my hay bales. This is private property, for Pete’s sake!” said Contreau, 63, who added that he now instinctively reaches for his rifle any time he hears a string quartet launch into the opening notes of Pachelbel’s Canon. “At first, all I had to do was bang on the walls with my shovel and a whole mess of them in identical blue gowns and tuxedos would come running out, but I tried that last week and they just kept on chattering like I wasn’t even there. I’m almost all out of ideas at this point.” Contreau later said that he plans to try ringing the barn with barbed wire, which he hoped would snag and slow the movement of anyone in billowy chiffon.
Pediatricians: School Should Start Later For Teens So They Can Sleep #~# The American Academy of Pediatrics issued a formal policy statement Monday recommending that schools with teenage students should start no earlier than 8:30 a.m. because chronic sleep loss can cause teens to become overweight or depressed, get in more car accidents, and have a lower quality of life. What do you think?
Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life #~# MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life. “I try to slow down and really savor snacks these days,” said Kearns, attributing his growing fulfillment to the maturity that comes from a lifetime of having snacks. “Sure, I’m not having snacks as much as I did back in my twenties, but I’m much more comfortable mixing things up now. I’ve been open to being more experimental, and that has led to my enjoyment of some unbelievably hot snacks. And I’ve been having snacks all over the place: the kitchen, in the car—heck, last week I even had snacks in the tub. It’s been incredible.” Kearns added that, though he no longer rushes his way through snacks like he did in his youth, he does still tend to fall asleep immediately afterward.
‘Knee Defender’ Passenger Fight Diverts Entire Plane #~# A flight from New Jersey to Denver was diverted to Chicago after a passenger used a device called a “knee defender,” which prevented the person in the seat in front of him from reclining, inciting her to turn around and throw water in his face. What do you think?
Increased Violence Leads State Department To Issue Advisory For Americans Traveling To 1861 #~# WASHINGTON, D.C.—Responding to reports of political turmoil and growing instability, officials from the U.S. State Department issued an advisory on Tuesday for all Americans traveling to the year 1861. “Events are developing quickly in 1861 and the potential for widespread violence is high, so we recommend that all citizens planning to visit that year exercise abundant caution and make proper arrangements,” said State Department spokesperson Jen Psaki, strongly advising against any non-essential travel to 1861 and the broader time period of the early 1860s in general. “We understand that despite the risks, some will still want to take advantage of the numerous sights and attractions of 1861. However, for those who do choose to go, please be aware that the State Department cannot guarantee your safety in that point in time.” Psaki urged those intent on traveling to 1861 to be vigilant of their surroundings and, as always, avoid the undue creation of time paradoxes.
Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents #~# With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed. Here are some tips for parents to help their kids prepare for going back to school:
We’re Going To Enjoy This Cocaine-Fueled Mason Jar Rocket Ride For As Long As It Lasts #~# When I became an executive of a company that produces mason jars back in 2003, I never dreamed my life was going to be like this. A decade ago, we were just another glassware business, but now, there’s not a precious little bar in New York, L.A., or anywhere else that isn’t serving drinks out of our iconic containers. And now that mason jars are on top, now that my fellow executives and I are goddamn beverage conquistadors, we’re going to enjoy this cocaine-fueled rocket ride for as long as it lasts.
Condoleezza Rice Spends First 15 Minutes Of College Football Committee Meeting Asking What The Fuck She Is Doing There #~# NEW YORK—Saying that she could use a short reminder of why she has a significant sway in the shaping of the collegiate sports landscape, sources confirmed that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice spent the first 15 minutes of a College Football Committee meeting Monday asking board members to explain what the fuck she was doing there. “Before we get started, I just want to quickly ask: Does anybody have a reasonable explanation for why I’m sitting here to deliberate the rankings of a bunch of football teams?” said Rice, adding that she was hoping for further clarification on what possible aspect of her decades of work and life experience made her appear remotely qualified, or even interested in, a job that entails determining whether LSU is a better football team than Michigan State. “Just to clarify, they decided to replace a computer algorithm with 13 people from across the country, and that group needed to include a former Secretary of State and a retired lieutenant from the Air Force. And now, I’ll be relied upon every week to hash out the relative strengths and weaknesses of each team in the SEC, ACC, and Pac-12. That make sense to anyone?” Sources confirmed that a visibly frustrated Rice then leaned back in her chair and asked to see the chart of offensive efficiency ratings so she could “get this stupid fucking thing over with.”
Leaving Dorm Room Door Open To Play Large Role In Freshman’s Social Strategy #~# GREENCASTLE, IN—Anticipating that it will serve as a springboard for the formation of new friendships, DePauw University freshman Andrew Russett said Tuesday that leaving his dorm room door open will be a central component of his social strategy.
MTV Airs Ferguson Public Service Announcement During VMA Awards #~# During last night’s Video Music Awards, MTV aired a public service announcement addressing issues surrounding the crisis in Ferguson, MO, featuring young people describing the stereotypes they face, which executives say they hope will start important conversations about racism. What do you think?
‘Active Shooter At Large,’ Reports Endless Background Hum Of Modern American Life #~# UNITED STATES—Echoing at a soft and constant volume across the nation’s collective conscious, the ambient, unending background hum of modern American life reported today that an armed gunman remains at large after opening fire on innocent bystanders. “Community members are advised to shelter in place,” stated the incessant, low-level white noise of death counts and missed warning signs emanating steadily from all directions, which confirmed that a vigil honoring the victims of the shooting will be held Thursday. “There were maybe five, six shots one after the other, and everyone started panicking. The gun was obtained legally. You never think that something like this could happen in your town.” The ceaseless, droning din of day-to-day existence in the United States went on to add, “lockdown, grieving families of the victims, troubled young man, AR-15, mental health system, senseless, took his own life, unsuccessful legislative efforts.”
Chinese Movie Theaters Displaying Audience Texts On Screen #~# Select movie theaters in China are testing a new model of film-watching called “bullet screens,” in which the theater projects audience text messages, or “bullets,” onto the screen during showings, with texts sometimes becoming so numerous that they obscure the entire movie playing. What do you think?
L’Oréal Releases New Line Of Makeup Specifically For Men To Wear When Wives Not Home #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to cater to a long-neglected demographic, global cosmetics brand L’Oréal released Sheer Discretion this week, a new line of makeup specially designed for men to wear when their wives are not home. “Sheer Discretion enables men everywhere to finally give themselves the full eyelashes and pouty lips they deserve while their wives are away at work,” L’Oréal representatives said of the cosmetic products, which come in discreet packaging and can be quickly wiped clean with just a splash of water if one’s wife suddenly walks through the front door. “Featuring a smooth foundation that conceals, hides imperfections, and blends evenly over the thickest stubble, our Sheer Discretion line of products are casual enough for just hanging out in the living room in your wife’s blouse or providing that exact dash of chic you need to pull off her ruby chiffon gown.” L’Oréal executives confirmed that the product release would be accompanied by an advertising campaign urging women to enjoy an evening out with their friends and leave their husbands at home for the night.
Source Of Jealousy Not Even That Successful #~# TULSA, OK—Despite living a life that by most standards is only slightly more successful than average, local account manager Jeremy Thomas is nevertheless the primary source of coworker Christopher Palgon’s intense jealousy, sources reported Monday. “I see him every day pulling up in his shiny Toyota Avalon, and I’m, like, wow, I’d kill for a ride like that,” said Palgon, adding that he couldn’t help but envy the fact that his colleague has an office with a view of the sidewalk three stories below instead of a cubicle. “He’s a nice enough guy, but it’s hard not to get a little resentful when he starts casually talking about this five-day cruise to the Bahamas he’s going to take with his wife for their 20-year anniversary. Like it’s no big deal.” Palgon also told reporters that he had visited Thomas’ home once and could never imagine the luxury of having a separate room just for guests.
FBI Raids Kennedy Fundamentalist Compound #~# HYANNIS PORT, MA—In a surprise predawn raid Monday, heavily armed FBI agents stormed the notorious Kennedy Compound in Massachusetts, reportedly arresting more than two dozen key members of the faction and exposing many of the bizarre inner workings of this insular fundamentalist organization.
Study: Couples Who Throw Big Weddings Have Happier Marriages #~# A new study of married couples found that pairs who threw big weddings, defined as having 150 guests or more, reported having happier marriages than those who had weddings with 50 guests or fewer. What do you think?
Report: More Americans Putting Off Retirement Until Final Few Moments Before Death #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, financial concerns are prompting a growing number of Americans to delay retirement until the very last seconds of their lives. “Given economic conditions over the past decade, we have seen more and more middle-class citizens waiting until their final handful of breaths to step down from their careers,” said Bureau spokesperson Dolores Snyder, who told reporters that older Americans are now enjoying retired life for half an hour on average, typically long enough to have a pleasant conversation with a loved one or get started on a crossword puzzle. “Retirement’s different for everyone—some people may finish up working and then live off Social Security benefits for a few moments before passing on, while others might be able to lead active retired lives that last an entire afternoon. After a lifetime of working tirelessly to support themselves and their families, being able to enjoy several dozen seconds of retirement is a much-needed reward for most Americans.” Snyder added that to live comfortably in retirement, an increasing number of retirees are opting to supplement their income during their final few moments on earth with part-time jobs.
Report: 79% Of Minority Suspects Receive Miranda Rights While Unconscious #~# WASHINGTON—Shedding light on law enforcement practices across the country, a Department of Justice study released Friday revealed that more than three-fourths of minority suspects in police custody receive their Miranda rights while unconscious. “In 79 percent of arrests involving blacks or Latinos, suspects were administered their rights while prostrate on the concrete, collapsed against a police car, or blacking out in the midst of a chokehold,” stated the report, which examined 2,000 arrests made last year where minority suspects remained either conscious, unconscious, or slowly drifting in and out of consciousness. “The data also confirmed that among non-white arrests last year, most police officers made an effort to determine if the suspect had a pulse before reading from their warning card.” The report further concluded that 98 percent of African-American suspects had their Miranda rights administered in between blows of a police baton.
Illinois Department Of Corrections Unveils New Open-Plan Prison #~# CHESTER, IL—Touting the layout’s benefits in promoting communication and a more productive penal environment, the Illinois Department of Corrections unveiled its new open-plan prison Friday at the Menard Correctional Center.
Report: Average American Worker Replaced Within 10 Minutes Of Taking Vacation #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming widely held suspicions about the risks of taking time off from a job, a report released Friday by the Department of Labor found that the average American worker is replaced within 10 minutes of beginning a vacation. “Our research indicates that most vacationing employees aren’t even halfway to the airport before their managers have hired someone to permanently take their position,” said report co-author Gary MacKaye, adding that human resources departments also post job listings, interview several qualified applicants, and present a generous employment offer to a replacement within the first few minutes of an employee’s sick day. “All this means is that workers who take advantage of the vacation days offered by their company should just keep in mind that it will cost them their livelihood almost immediately.” The report also found that by the time most vacationing employees have checked into their hotel room, their replacement will be fully settled in and ready to get to work.
Survey: Rich People More Likely To Disapprove Of ‘Participation Trophies’ #~# According to data gathered by libertarian magazine Reason,  wealthy people are much more likely than poorer people to disapprove of  “participation trophies” for kids, or awards given out to all children  regardless of whether they are winners or losers. What do  you think?
Bored Kim Jong-Un Stacks Entire North Korean Populace Into Human Pyramid To Kill Time #~# PYONGYANG—In an effort to relieve his boredom and fill an otherwise uneventful afternoon, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un stacked all 24 million of his country’s inhabitants into a human pyramid Friday to help him pass the time. “Do the pyramid faster and taller,” the North Korean dictator ordered from a balcony overlooking Kim Il-sung Square, as 800,000 of his citizens clambered to reach the 47th tier of the massive gymnastic formation and steady themselves on the trembling backs of millions more of their countrymen. “I want it taller than that. Have the labor camps been emptied? We can add prisoners from the labor camps. Move faster! Ugh, this human pyramid is more dull than no human pyramid at all.” At press time, Kim had left to take a nap, but ordered the pyramid to remain indefinitely in case he got bored again and wanted to play around with it some other time.
Pure-Hearted Little League World Series Players Playing Simply For Love Of ESPN’s Bottom Line #~# SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Praising the young athletes for their unbridled enthusiasm, Little League World Series viewers from across the country marveled Friday at how refreshing it is to see players competing purely for their love of ESPN’s bottom line. “With the cutthroat, win-at-all-costs mentality of professional sports, it’s just great to see these kids take the field and play for no other reason than the simple joy of improving ESPN’s annual profit margin,” said Alex Rice, manager of the Philadelphia-based Taney Dragons, adding that the raw emotion and excitement displayed by his 11- to 13-year-old players when they bolster the cable sports network’s net earnings remind him of why he got into coaching youth baseball in the first place. “They all want to win, obviously, but at the end of the day, it’s not all about who wins and who loses. For them, it’s just about going out there with their friends and ensuring that ESPN—and ultimately, parent company Disney—can reap millions of dollars in advertising revenue and sponsorship deals during the summer lull before the NFL and NBA start back up again. This is what makes sports so great.” Rice added that he reminds his players before every game that regardless of which team is victorious, the only thing that truly matters is increasing viewership ratings so ESPN will have leverage to raise the cost of commercial time during next year’s tournament.
God Knocked Unconscious By DirectTV Satellite #~# THE HEAVENS—Noting that He was a little shaken but would be all right, sources confirmed Friday that the Lord God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, was struck by a DirecTV satellite approximately 22,000 miles above earth, rendering Him unconscious for several minutes. “Whoa! How long was I out?” God said to a host of concerned seraphim moments after the four-ton satellite impacted near His right temple while traveling at roughly 6,900 miles per hour. “Man, I must have let My mind wander—that thing really came out of nowhere. I didn’t see it at all.” As of press time, Heavenly sources confirmed that the deity had fully returned to omniscience.
Starbucks Bringing Coffee Trucks To College Campuses #~# Starbucks is reportedly introducing coffee trucks to colleges around the country that can move around to highly trafficked areas of campus throughout the day to attract students. What do you think?
Night Out Thrown Off-Balance By Friend Unexpectedly Bringing Someone #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Local resident Nathan Erdlich’s night out was reportedly thrown completely off-balance Wednesday when his friend unexpectedly brought someone to join them for drinks, sources confirmed. “Um, hey, how’s it going?” Erdlich, 29, said to the unforeseen additional person, whom he had never met and whose presence compelled Erdlich and his friend to limit their conversation to broad, mundane topics all three could participate in. “So, you work near Brian? Same building, huh? Cool. Yeah, we used to be roommates.” An hour into the evening, Erdlich reportedly looked on in disbelief as the unanticipated stranger gestured to two additional people entering the bar.
Campus Tour Guide Reminds Students At Each Stop They Have To Get In First #~# MEDFORD, MA—Leading a group of nearly two dozen high school juniors and seniors to various points of interest around campus, Tufts University tour guide Michelle Davis reportedly took time while describing every location Thursday to remind tour members that, first off, they have to be admitted. “Next up is Tisch Library, which houses over 700,000 books and which has a rooftop patio where you can study, read, or just enjoy the great view of Boston, provided you get into the university, of course,” Davis said, adding that the 21 percent of applicants who are accepted to Tufts each year have full access to the library’s extensive digital collections and archives as well. “And this is the Residential Quad, commonly called Res Quad, where, if you make it through the admissions process, you can watch fireworks on Tuftonia’s Day, which is held the day before Spring Fling. Last year, the New Pornographers played Spring Fling, and a couple years before that we had Lupe Fiasco. It’s so much fun, if you happen to get in.” At press time, Davis was asking the tour members if those among them who had a realistic shot of being accepted and could afford four years of the private institution’s tuition had any questions.
Browns Impressed By Johnny Manziel’s Chemistry With Bench #~# CLEVELAND—Noting that it normally takes several seasons before a tandem develops such a solid connection, Cleveland Browns head coach Mike Pettine told reporters Thursday that he has been extremely impressed by rookie quarterback Johnny Manziel’s growing chemistry with the team bench. “They haven’t had much time together yet, but Johnny is really beginning to gel with our bench,” said Pettine, adding that the Browns coaching staff has been incredibly pleased to see the ease and comfort with which their first-year signal caller has worked with the bench during practices and preseason games. “You can tell there’s a genuine sense of trust and a truly unspoken bond between the two. It’s a very natural relationship, and we’re very excited to see how it grows—so far, they’ve been practically inseparable.” Pettine added that given the way Manziel has clicked with the bench thus far, he believes the two have the potential to eventually become the Browns’ most prolific quarterback-bench tandem since the Brady Quinn era.
Justin Bieber Criticized For Cheating On ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ #~# Justin Bieber has been criticized for cheating on his version of the now-viral  “Ice Bucket Challenge,” in which he poured a small saucepan of water on  himself that didn’t actually contain any ice. What do  you think?
Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time #~# SALT LAKE CITY—In a move designed to help the metropolitan area attract more tourists, Salt Lake City officials unveiled a new advertising campaign Thursday reminding potential visitors that they can leave at any time. “With our new ‘Free to Leave’ campaign, we’re letting the world know that when you visit Salt Lake City, you can get out whenever you want, day or night, whether you’ve only been here for a couple of hours or a couple of days,” Mayor Ralph Becker said, emphasizing that the city’s main attractions are all conveniently located near train stations, airports, and a number of major highways. “The award-winning Hogle Zoo, Red Butte Garden and Arboretum, the Natural History Museum of Utah—these are all places you can up and leave any moment you please. And as you stroll through world-famous Temple Square, you can rest assured in knowing that, if you just hop on I-80, you can be in Nevada in about 90 minutes.” The city’s tourism officials added that if visitors don’t feel like it, they don’t even have to come at all.
Washed-Up Toddler Can’t Point Out Things Like He Used To #~# TOLEDO, OH—Acknowledging that his best years were most likely behind him, local 2-year-old Spencer Boyd admitted to reporters Thursday that he can’t quite point out things like he used to in his prime. “A month ago, I was so much quicker at letting everyone know if I saw a train, a car, a rock—you name it,” said Boyd, adding that he couldn’t help but feel like, nowadays, he’s just going through the motions whenever he notices a bug, points at the bug, and says “bug” several times. “Yesterday, I saw a fire truck. A big, red fire truck, going fast, but I just kept it to myself. I used to see something and say what it was right away. Now, I’ll stare at it for a few minutes first. I guess I’ve lost my touch.” At press time, the washed-up toddler was spotted desperately trying to reignite that lost spark by pointing out everything in his field of vision.
Symphony Orchestra Simply Cannot Wait For Collaboration With John Mellencamp #~# PHILADELPHIA—Saying the live performance will be a dream come true following decades of music study, members of the Philadelphia Orchestra announced Wednesday that they simply cannot wait for their upcoming collaboration with John Mellencamp. “I’ve practiced the viola 10 hours a day for the past 25 years, received an education at the New England Conservatory, and partaken in three artist residencies, so the opportunity to serve as accompaniment to members of John Mellencamp’s touring band is truly a great honor,” said associate principal violist Paul Chiu, adding that playing the same simple melody as the rest of the string section and the entire woodwind section during the chorus of “Hurts So Good” would be a “feather in the cap” of his distinguished classical music career. “To repeat the same sequence of eight notes over and over again while staring at the back of John Mellencamp’s head as amplified guitars and boisterous audience members drown out most of the sound—I can’t think of a greater privilege than that. The only thing better would be playing with Jon Bon Jovi, but I’m not getting my hopes up.” At press time, Chiu had sequestered himself in a practice space for the day to rehearse his part for the song “R.O.C.K. In The U.S.A.”
Rubble Courts At Tennis’s Syrian Open Present Unique Challenge For Players #~# GHOUTA, SYRIA—With its uneven, debris-strewn playing surface causing balls to bounce severely and unpredictably, players at this year’s highly anticipated Syrian Open admitted Thursday that the tournament is a serious test for anyone unaccustomed to its notorious rubble courts.
How Companies Are Appealing To Millennials #~# With millennials overtaking baby boomers as the biggest generation of consumers ever, companies around the nation are introducing new products, creating social media accounts, and pursuing philanthropic causes to appeal to this tech-savvy, socially conscious demographic. Here are some ways different companies are making themselves over and launching initiatives to target millennials:
Study: Children’s Drawings Predict Intelligence Later In Life #~# A new study has found that young children who draw pictures of people accurately, judged by whether the drawing includes the correct number of limbs and facial features, are more likely to have higher IQs as adolescents. What do you think?
Friends Regret Encouraging Man To Say What’s On His Mind #~# FAIRFIELD, OH—Saying there was no way they could have anticipated the outlandish, inane, and unsettling ramblings that were unleashed upon them, friends of local man Ryan Berliner told reporters Tuesday they sincerely regretted asking the 29-year-old to open up and speak his mind. “Ryan’s always kind of kept to himself, so we wanted to encourage him to come out of his shell and tell us what he was really feeling, but boy, was that ever a bad move,” said visibly shaken friend Jesse Plunkett, stating that the sheer idiocy and at times disturbing overtones of Berliner’s most deeply held beliefs on everything from politics, to relationships, to popular culture, to how he likes to spend his free time made continuing the conversation—not to mention the friendship itself—an almost impossible burden. “I want to be there for him and all, but how am I supposed to look this…this freak in the eye and pretend that everything’s normal? No one should ever have to hear what’s going on inside his deranged head.” When reached for comment, Berliner said he was blessed to have such an understanding, trustworthy group of friends and vowed never to keep anything from them again.
NFL: Musicians Should Pay To Perform At Super Bowl Halftime Show #~# According to a report in the Wall Street Journal, while vetting its top choices to play at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show, the NFL asked musicians whether or not they would be willing to “contribute a portion of their post-Super Bowl tour income” to the league or to “make some other type of financial contribution” for the privilege of getting to perform. What do you think?
BREAKING: Mrs. Nichols Also Daniel’s Mom #~# WATERLOO, IA—Validating rumors that had been circulating throughout recess and lunch, sources at Lowell Elementary School are now confirming that Mrs. Nichols is also Daniel’s mom. “It totally makes sense,” said classmate Sarah McGreevy, who minutes earlier had witnessed Daniel getting into his mother’s car in the faculty parking lot. “They have the same last name and kind of have the same hair. Plus, Ryan said he saw a picture of her when he was playing Xbox at Daniel’s house. It’s got to be true.” Fellow classmates have reportedly already begun speculating that the reason Daniel isn’t in his mother’s class is because she’d probably give him all A’s.
Study: Human Hearing Most Acute When Listening To Arguing Parents From Top Of Stairs #~# ELMHURST, IL—A study released Wednesday by the American Hearing Research Foundation has found that humans’ sense of hearing is most acute when listening to an argument between one’s parents from the top of a staircase. “According to our research, human auditory acuity reaches its peak when subjects quietly sneak out of their bedrooms at night and either sit down on the top stair or press their faces between the balusters of the railing as their parents exchange heated words in the kitchen below,” said study author Gordon Humphries, noting that these heightened auditory capabilities allow individuals to effortlessly block out all other sources of noise in order to clearly perceive the sound waves generated by one’s mother saying, “I just can’t do this anymore.” “Under these circumstances, humans display a remarkable ability to distinguish even those arguments spoken in a hushed or whispered tone, particularly those containing the words ‘divorce,’ ‘separation,’ ‘custody,’ or the subject’s own name.” Researchers said subjects’ auditory abilities may grow even more acute in the hours after overhearing the initial argument, with subjects reportedly capable of making out their father sobbing as softly as 10 decibels through a bedroom wall.
World Wildlife Fund Donors Receive Refund After Western Black Rhino Goes Extinct #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing contrition over the organization’s failure to rescue the species from critical endangerment, the World Wildlife Fund reportedly reimbursed $7 million to approximately 11,000 donors this week following the confirmed extinction of the western black rhinoceros. “We regret to inform you that the WWF was not successful in its efforts to ensure the survival of the western black rhino, and in accordance with our nonprofit’s satisfaction policy, we have attached compensation in the full dollar amount of your charitable assistance,” read the letter mailed to thousands of WWF sponsors, which included a cashier’s check refunding all donations. “We are sorry; you expected and deserved a higher level of preservation from us. We may not have been able to preserve the black rhinoceros, but we hope to preserve your trust. We sincerely hope that this doesn’t affect your readiness to give to the World Wildlife Fund in the future.” The WWF also clarified that it is willing to exchange all magnets or tote bags bearing an image or silhouette of the extinct rhinoceros for another piece of comparable merchandise.
Report: Average American Loses $5,000 Each Year From Splitting Check #~# WASHINGTON—According to a recent Pew Research Center analysis of household finances, the average American loses roughly $5,000 in wealth per year from splitting checks. “When taking into account the most common check-splitting scenarios, from dividing up restaurant bills after a dinner, to sharing bar tabs following a night of drinking, we found that most Americans experience a net loss of between $3,500 and $7,000 in a typical year,” lead researcher Steven Brannard said of his team’s findings, which noted that the average American loses $2,000 alone when attempting to pool the correct amount of money from friends to pay and tip pizza delivery drivers. “Every time a person asks, ‘Can someone spot me? I’ll get you back later,’ or puts in a twenty and declares, ‘I think that’s good,’ it costs the rest of the table hundreds of dollars in out-of-pocket expenses. Compounded over an entire year, these losses have a significant negative impact on Americans’ net worth and standard of living.” In contrast to the vast majority of citizens, the study noted that about 5 percent of the population made $95,000 a year from splitting checks.
Man Wearing Low-Cut Swimsuit As Though Public Pool A Sun-Kissed Sardinian Cove #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Clad in a pair of revealing, skintight swim trunks, local man Paul Withers strode past an array of plastic lounge chairs Wednesday as though the Choteau Community Pool was a remote, sun-dappled Sardinian cove, onlookers reported. Withers, who seemingly confused the facility’s concrete walkway with a winding path down a rocky slope leading to the gleaming white sands and azure waters of the Costa Verde, then proceeded to mill around the swimming area in full view of patrons, having apparently mistaken the roughly 30 west Missourians for a group of lithe, olive-skinned European models. Witnesses later confirmed seeing Withers plunge into the heavily chlorinated deep end as if leaping from the towering cliffs of Ogliastra, surfacing amidst a floating Band-Aid and a stray foam noodle like they were a school of feeding manta rays. At press time, as the strains of Iggy Azalea and not those of a traditional tenore vocal group wafted from the PA system, Withers reportedly exited the pool, wrapped a towel around his impossibly small bathing suit, and purchased a chicken patty sandwich that may as well have been a generous plate of fresh-caught frutti di mare simmered in local vermentino.
Study Finds 79% Of Statistics Now Sobering #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Noting a sharp increase over recent decades, a study released Wednesday by researchers at MIT confirmed that nearly 80 percent of all statistics are now sobering. “As recently as 15 years ago, there were relatively few statistics that were concerning, let alone troubling, but our research found that the vast majority of current statistical figures are unsettling, alarming, or even, in some cases, chilling,” said lead author Dr. Henry P. Sarraf, who also found that 71 percent of statistics are eye-opening, with a higher-than-expected 48 percent now serving as a major wake-up call. “For years, we’ve known that worrisome statistics were on the rise, but these numbers really shed new light on the problem. Indeed, we found that there are very few, if any, encouraging statistics left.” The findings come shortly after the release of a similar report from Stanford University, which found that a majority of study results are now startling.
More Women Getting Hand Surgery To Look Good In ‘Ring Selfies’ #~# A growing number of engaged women are undergoing plastic surgery procedures on their hands to look better in pictures they take of the rings on their fingers, known as “ring selfies,” paying $3,000 or more to smooth out skin texture and reduce the appearance of veins. What do you think?
Vegan Oktoberfest Coming To California #~# An alternative version of the Bavarian holiday Oktoberfest is coming to Santa Monica, CA for people who don’t eat animal products, replacing traditional German foods with vegan bratwurst, pancakes, sauerkraut, and beer. What do you think?
Top Parenting Trends Of 2014 #~# Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children. Here are the top parenting trends of 2014:
Chinese Journalists Bemoan Decline Of Traditional State-Run Newspapers, Rise Of State-Run New Media #~# BEIJING—Claiming the changed media landscape of the digital age has led to a marked drop in the depth and quality of party propaganda, veteran reporters in China expressed concern this week over what they see as the decline of traditional state-controlled journalism in their country.
Architects Of 2026 Market Crash Just Finished A Highly Productive Lunch #~# NEW YORK—Shaking hands and thanking each other for taking the time to meet, the architects of the 2026 Market Crash parted ways Tuesday after a highly productive meal at the Capital Grille steakhouse in lower Manhattan. “You were right, Alex, that filet was fantastic—best steak in the city,” securities trader Anthony Bergen told the group, whose aggressive speculation on high-risk, off-balance sheet derivatives will, within 12 years, cripple nearly every sector of the global economy and send unemployment rates soaring. “Glad we could finally make this happen. How about we circle back next Tuesday and follow up on some of these thoughts. I’m thinking Nobu?” At press time, the main beneficiaries of the 2029 Emergency Economic Stabilization Act were reportedly calling their secretaries to schedule a lunch next week.
#poopjeanteasdalesays #~# Your usually mild-mannered Jean Teasdale is fully switched on and currently set to channel FEISTY! Why, you ask? Because some smarties out there, and I’m definitely not talking about the candy, think they know the real moi, and assume that moi lives hopelessly in the past. Well, yolk’s on those eggheads! Okay, maybe they’re on to something when it comes to my fashion choices; after 12 years, my “Goddess of Sass” sweatshirt has lost most of its sparkle (courtesy of the washing machine), but ain’t no way it’s retiring! But who truly lives in the past and has her own genuine Twitter account at the same time, hmm? Because I do! Try to name another humor wisecracker who has one, I dare you!
Fantasy Football Costs Businesses $13.4 Billion In Lost Productivity #~# According to a study by corporate restructuring firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas, fantasy football costs U.S. companies $13.4 billion total in lost productivity per NFL season due to employees spending an average of two hours on the job each week managing their teams. What do you think?
Teary-Eyed Wrestlers Bid Farewell To Friends Made At SummerSlam #~# LOS ANGELES— Promising that the memories and new friendships made at this year’s pay-per-view event would stay with them forever, the professional wrestlers of the WWE exchanged tearful goodbyes Sunday as SummerSlam 2014 drew to a close. “Oh my God, I’m gonna miss you so much, Randy,” said former heavyweight champion John Cena to Randy “The Viper” Orton as the two hugged outside the Staples Center. “I wish it was next summer already. You’ll email me, right? Maybe you can come visit over Christmas if you want.” WWE sources confirmed that this was the best SummerSlam ever and that SummerSlam friends are friends for life.
The Pros And Cons Of Militarizing The Police #~# The ongoing clashes between residents of Ferguson, MO and heavily armed police forces—which are equipped with M16 rifles and armored vehicles—have drawn attention to the increasing militarization of police in the United States. Here are the cases for and against outfitting local law enforcement with military-grade weapons:
Geneticists Debate Ethics Of Cloning Humans And Forcing Them To Fight To Death In Pit For Our Amusement #~# GENEVA—In an effort to explore the complex moral issues surrounding the controversial topic, the world’s leading geneticists gathered at an international conference this week to debate the ethics of cloning human beings and compelling them to fight to the death in a rocky pit for our amusement.
SeaWorld To Expand Orca Environments #~# After the marine park’s profits dropped precipitously amid fallout from the documentary Blackfish, which investigated the death of a trainer by a psychologically disturbed orca in captivity, SeaWorld San Diego has announced that it will double the size of the enclosures for killer whales. What do you think?
Fourth-Grade Teacher Polishing Up Speech On This Not Being Third Grade Anymore #~# PALMYRA, PA—Saying it was important for her students to understand their increased expectations at the start of the new school year, Pine Street Elementary school teacher Veronica Potter reportedly spent Sunday evening putting the finishing touches on a speech that will inform her incoming class they are not in third grade anymore. “Many of you are 10 years old now, and I expect you to act like it,” said Potter, rehearsing the speech that will emphasize how the students’ responsibilities will extend not just to academic performance, but to behavior and classroom participation as well. “There’s going to be homework every night and we’re going to do several science units outdoors, which will require a lot of focus. You may have gotten away with excuses or outbursts last year, but this is fourth grade now. Okay?” Sources confirmed that Potter, worried about overwhelming her students too much on the first day, later revised her speech to put more emphasis on the spring field trip to Gettysburg.
Fireflies Almost Salvage Man’s Shitty Day #~# TOLEDO, OH—According to reports, the intermittent flicker of fireflies above Charles Michaelson’s front porch Friday evening came close, but ultimately fell just short of salvaging his shitty day. “Oh, look, fireflies,” said Michaelson as he stared at the silently blinking green-yellow lights, briefly forgetting about his mishandling of a work project, gridlocked commute, and the doctor’s bill that was waiting in his mailbox. “That’s nice. I didn’t realize that they would still be out at this time of year.” At press time, Michaelson reportedly turned to look at the glowing insects a second time before realizing that, ultimately, fireflies do not solve anything.
Area Facebook User Incredibly Stupid #~# DOYLESTOWN, PA—Describing him as frequently frustrated and overwhelmed, sources confirmed Monday that local Facebook user Michael Huffman is incredibly stupid. “I need stuff easy,” said the absolute dipshit, adding that he finds many things confusing, and that those things must be changed so that they make sense to him. “I like looking at things on Facebook, but I don’t understand a lot. Help, please.” At press time, someone had reportedly fixed everything for the goddamn imbecile.
Study: Meerkats Have Dark, Sinister Side #~# Contrary to their portrayal in cartoons and shows like Meerkat Manor, which depict them as cute and cuddly, a new study has found that meerkats can actually be mean and sinister, with females banishing other moms from the group and eating their offspring to create babysitters for their own pups. What do you think?
Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’ #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically possible. “Though mankind’s collective understanding of productivity has, until today, encompassed only that which begins at 9 a.m. on Monday morning and returns to a stasis period at 5 p.m. each Friday, our research suggests that productivity could, in theory, stretch beyond these boundaries and exist even across Saturday and Sunday,” said physicist Nancy Olevich, who explained that while researchers had not yet observed such a phenomenon, their calculations suggested that the successful completion of tasks during the weekend—ranging all the way from home repairs to work projects—was nevertheless a real statistical possibility. “Additional study is of course needed, but if our team can trace the source of this theoretical extended productivity, it stands to reason that it could be harnessed and applied to weekend DIY endeavors never before imagined. Perhaps within our lifetime we will even see to-do lists whittled down or even eradicated by Sunday nights, reversing the current trend of growth over the 48-hour weekend period. It’s truly a transformative prospect.” Olevich told reporters that her team is currently testing whether the phenomenon can be synthesized by combining certain levels of intrinsic motivation with an as yet undetermined volume of Starbucks Doubleshot® Espresso.
Burger King Phases Out Satisfries, Brings Back Chicken Fries #~# Nearly a year after Burger King rolled out a low-fat version of french fry called “Satisfries,” the chain has announced that it will discontinue the menu item in two-thirds of its restaurants due to poor sales and will be reintroducing “chicken fries” due to demand. What do you think?
Wrigley Field Removes Iconic Ivy From Urinal Troughs #~# CHICAGO—In a move that has outraged many fans who consider the vines a treasured part of Wrigley Field’s charm and unique character, the Chicago Cubs announced Friday that they would be removing the stadium’s iconic ivy from its urinal troughs. “Urinating on the famed ivy has been a cherished, time-honored tradition throughout Wrigley’s 100-year history, but we must adapt to changing times,” said team spokesman Julian Green, explaining that a much-needed overhaul of the stadium’s outdated bathroom facilities, which have long ranked last in the Major Leagues, necessitates the dismantling of the vines. “We’re aiming to provide a top-quality restroom for our fans, and the unfortunate reality is that maintaining and manicuring the ivy, a process which most people don’t realize takes place before nearly every home game, comes at an enormous cost to the organization. While we will certainly miss the sight of the wet leaves glimmering in the light, we believe this is the right move for the team and our fans.” Green added that after the removal process, the Cubs will raffle off the used ivy-covered urinal cakes from the 2014 season in an effort to raise proceeds for the local Chicago Boys and Girls Club.
Museum Proudly Exhibits Picasso Shitty Enough To Be In Kansas City #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—At a gala exhibit-opening Friday that drew many of the area’s most notable cultural luminaries, the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art unveiled a newly acquired Pablo Picasso pencil sketch that is just shitty enough to be showcased in Kansas City. “We are delighted to add to our collection this fascinating work by the 20th-century master who defined cubism and produced some of the most important art of the modern era,” curator Bradley Simmons said of the forgettable piece-of-shit doodle that has not only been allotted an entire wall, but will, fittingly, be considered among the city’s crown jewels. “No one who visits our museum and sees this piece can doubt that it is truly one of the finest cultural treasures in the region.” Art experts agreed with Simmons that the sketch would probably impress the people of Kansas City.
Report: Standing At Work Can Increase Coworkers’ Disdain Up To 70% #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—According to a comprehensive 18-month study released Friday, researchers at the University of Florida have determined that standing for the duration of the workday can increase coworkers’ disdain by as much as 70 percent. “By simply switching from a traditional desk to a standing desk, we found that individuals experienced much longer and fuller looks of silent loathing from their colleagues,” said lead author Dr. Greg Darren, who confirmed that the more time subjects spent working on their feet, the greater the feelings of annoyance, scorn, and simmering contempt directed at them. “What’s most impressive is that the effects are apparent almost immediately—even just standing at one’s desk for a single afternoon resulted in a 25 percent increase in others’ feelings of derision. Over time, we found that this behavioral change can even lead to lifelong resentment in colleagues.” The study noted that in order to achieve the same level of disdain from standing at a desk, an individual would have to spend a full hour each day explaining his or her intensive workout regimen to colleagues.
Social Media ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Raises Millions For Lou Gehrig’s Disease #~# Foundations supporting research for amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease, have received millions of dollars in donations thanks to a viral campaign called the “Ice Bucket Challenge,” in which participants post videos of themselves pouring buckets of ice water on their heads and challenging friends to do the same within 24 hours or else donate money. What do you think?
Aisle Of Hispanic Food Items All Man Needs To Know About Fate Of Country #~# MADEIRA, OH—Shaking his head at the diverse variety of Mexican and Latin American food options being made available to him, area shopper Steve Unger told reporters Friday that the Hispanic food aisle at his local grocery store pretty much told him all he needed to know about where America is heading. “Black beans, tortillas, hot peppers—boy, that’s the whole story right here,” said the visibly dismayed Unger, 49, who recalled a time when Latin American items only constituted about a third of Aisle 14’s offerings at the Kroger on Miami Avenue and America’s dominant position in the world was completely unquestioned. “Look at these names: Goya, Tapatio—it’s the whole damn aisle! How many types of salsa do you need, for crying out loud?” At press time, Unger’s ire had only grown more intense upon passing by a small refrigerated hummus display.
FDA Recommends At Least 3 Servings Of Foods With Word ‘Fruit’ On Box #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—In an effort to get Americans to at least go through the motions of a healthier diet, the Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday that it is now recommending individuals consume three servings of foods every day that simply include the word “fruit” on the box. “Though we have in the past advised eating a minimum of three pieces of actual fruit per day, it is now acceptable to eat any food labeled with the word ‘fruit,’ including variations such as ‘fruity,’ ‘fruit-a-licious,’ or ‘fruit-blasted,’” FDA commissioner Margaret Hamburg told reporters, also noting that sweetened cereal or gummies shaped like fruit are entirely permissible under the agency’s new guidelines. “If it smells somewhat like fruit, or even if there’s a cartoon strawberry or orange on the wrapper, that’s sufficient at this point.” The FDA’s new recommendations are expected to be followed up by other guidelines under which anything successfully chewed and swallowed can now be considered a vegetable.
Neither Pickup Basketball Team Has Scored In Over 2 Hours #~# SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—Midway through a friendly pickup basketball game at the San Luis Obispo County YMCA Thursday, players from both teams confirmed that neither side has made a single shot in well over two hours. “I think I remember the guy in the Lakers T-shirt sinking a jumper early on, but that had to have been at least a couple of hours ago,” 31-year-old Michael Torres told reporters, noting that the game has consisted of approximately 80 missed lay-ups, dozens of off-target fadeaways, and more than 150 air balls since the last basket. “I hit the rim on a three-pointer maybe 45 minutes ago, and at one point, [teammate] Adam [Burke] almost had a tip-in until it took a bad bounce off the backboard. That’s about as close as anyone’s come that I can remember, though. Man, it’s getting late.” At press time, the score of the game was still 2-0.
Tips For Being An Unarmed Black Teen #~# With riots raging in Ferguson, MO following the shooting death by police of an unarmed African-American youth, the nation has turned its eyes toward social injustice and the continuing crisis of race relations. Here are The Onion’s tips for being an unarmed black teen in America:
Visit To Doctor Splurged On #~# WILMINGTON, DE—Admitting that it has been a long time since he’s allowed himself such an indulgence, local 26-year-old Greg Burnet told reporters Thursday that he recently decided to splurge on an appointment with his general practitioner. “I’ve been pretty good about saving up my money and I thought now was the time to really treat myself to a medical examination of the chronic abdominal pain I’ve been experiencing,” said the part-time office assistant and freelance graphic designer, adding that he was determined to “really pamper [himself]” by resting on an exam table as his doctor searched for a possible hernia. “Normally, I wouldn’t be one to just throw money around on blood tests and X-rays like this, but today’s all about me. Who knows, when I get the results back, I might even go all out on a trip to the hospital. I’d like to think I’ve earned it.” When contacted following his appointment, Burnet informed reporters that the medical treatment had left him riddled with guilt, announcing repeatedly that he would be less impulsive and reckless with his money in the future.
New Study Finds Humans Shouldn’t Spend More Than 5 Consecutive Hours Together #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—A study published Thursday in The American Journal Of Medicine determined that it is highly detrimental to the physical and mental health of human beings for them to spend any more than five consecutive hours in each other’s company. “Our research shows that humans are not evolutionarily equipped to handle being together for extended periods of time, under any circumstances,” said the study’s lead author, Mark Hughson, adding that the findings applied equally to both casual acquaintances and immediate family members, including mothers and their newborn children. “We found that, optimally, people should limit themselves to between two and 20 minutes in another person’s company, with five hours representing the absolute maximum amount of time that anyone should allow themselves to be in the presence of others. In addition, they should permit at least three days to elapse in between human interactions, preferably a week. We simply weren’t constructed to put up with more than that.” Hughson went on to say that while humans had the capacity to withstand each other’s company in five-hour increments, it was ideal for them to isolate themselves permanently as early in life as possible.
Study: Average American’s Interests Have Practically No Influence On Government Policy #~# A new study has found that when taking into account the heavy power and influence of special interest groups and the economic elite in politics, the impact of an average citizen’s interests when it comes to determining policy is virtually nothing. What do you think?
LensCrafters, Pearle Vision Agree To Prisoner Exchange #~# BEAVERCREEK, OH—In a sign that tensions may at last be thawing between the bitter eyewear rivals, LensCrafters and Pearle Vision reportedly agreed to a prisoner exchange Thursday following months of negotiations.
Study: 63% Of All Human Speech Occurs Under Breath #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study released Thursday by the Center for Applied Linguistics, nearly two-thirds of all human speech transpires under people’s breath. “Our data indicates that, whether in the form of hushed grumbles of anger, a half-delivered retort, or quiet self-berating, the majority of all spoken language is delivered in barely audible mutters,” said researcher Erin Wightman, adding that a sizable quantity of all human vocalizations are imperceptible insults made while walking away from an argument, a meeting with one’s supervisor, or a pleasant conversation with someone that the speaker simply does not care for. “We found that many people will whisper to themselves at night about mistakes made earlier in the day, while others will pepper in low-volume sarcastic comments while interacting with coworkers or family members. The sheer number of words that are spoken for no one else’s benefit is astounding.” Wightman then went on to make a muffled, half-intelligible comment about both her fellow researchers and the gathered members of the press.
Busch Gardens Unveils New 9,600-Mile-Long Endurance Coaster #~# TAMPA, FL—Marking a bold new direction in amusement ride innovation, representatives from Busch Gardens officially opened a 9,600-mile-long mega-coaster Thursday designed to push the limits of human endurance.
Sometimes Unfortunate Things Happen In The Heat Of A 400-Year-Old Legacy Of Racism #~# As anyone in law enforcement knows, upholding the peace often comes down to making tough, split-second decisions. A police officer must assess his options quickly, especially when faced with resistance from potentially dangerous individuals. But try as we might, bad things sometimes happen in the heat of a 400-year-old legacy of racism.
Study: Sex Education Should Start As Early As Age 10 #~# A new study from researchers at Georgetown University suggests that children should start taking sexual education courses as young as age 10 to prevent teen pregnancies and STDs, arguing in part that early sex ed classes can get them proper information before they hear it from misinformed classmates and older kids. What do you think?
Running Back Interested In Going In Different Directions After Learning To Cut #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Claiming the discovery will take him places he hadn’t thought possible, rookie Tennessee Titans running back Bishop Sankey told reporters Wednesday that after recently learning to cut, he plans on using the newfound skill to run in many different directions in the future. “Before this, I would just aim for the middle of the end zone and hope I’d make it all the way through, but now, I have so many new directions to explore,” said Sankey, adding that the best part of cutting is that it allows one to change direction right in the middle of a play. “It opens up a lot of opportunities—I can go left, right, even backwards. My favorite is forward diagonal left, but coach [Ken Whisenhunt] says we’ll wait a while before using that one in a game. I’m still getting the hang of this whole thing.” At press time, a visibly flustered Sankey was struggling while attempting to cut in a way that would launch himself straight up into the air.
Cartoon Peppers On Menu A Foreboding Warning To All Who Would Dare Order Spicy Entrees #~# CORAL SPRINGS, FL—Hovering forbiddingly to the right of several entrees, a handful of cartoon red chili peppers served as dark and chilling omens to all who would dare order spicy food items off the menu at Mexican restaurant Casa Azteca, sources confirmed Wednesday. According to reports, a single grim pepper reportedly loomed near the Chiles Relleno, signifying danger to any customer foolhardy enough to select the ominously piquant combination of battered poblanos and cheese. Sources further indicated that patrons would be wise to not even look upon the accursed Tilapia a la Diabla, which, with its baleful row of three clip-art portents, reportedly promised unspeakable woe and ruination even to those who had withstood other spicy entrees. At press time, most customers had sensibly heeded the sinister chili auguries and selected house specials marked with a cheery and comforting chef’s hat.
Disney Expanding ‘Star Wars’ Attractions At Theme Parks #~# With Star Wars: Episode VII in the works, Disney officials have announced that the company is planning to significantly expand Star Wars rides and attractions within its theme parks to coincide with the film’s planned premiere in late 2015. What do you think?
Police Officer Doesn’t See A Difference Between Black, Light-Skinned Black Suspects #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Explaining that his sole concern is serving and protecting his community, Fort Wayne police officer Vincent Turner told reporters Wednesday that he does not see any difference between black and light-skinned black suspects. “As an officer of the law, I am committed to administering justice swiftly and even-handedly, regardless of whether the suspect has dark skin or really dark skin,” said Turner, adding that he has no problem giving a full pat-down to any potential criminal or hauling them down to precinct headquarters in the back of his patrol car, even if they are more of a light mocha color. “When you’re responding to reports of gunshots fired, or sprinting down an alleyway, you’re not thinking about where the suspect falls on the spectrum of African-American skin tones—you’re thinking about doing your job. Heck, the guy could be a very dark-looking Latino, for all I care—I treat every one of them the same. He’s still just a suspect to me.” Turner added that his dedication to upholding the law stems from a belief that all local residents should be able to walk their streets without fear, whether they come from an affluent white neighborhood or a working-class white neighborhood.
Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year #~# HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some pretty big game about still being alive next year. “Grandma’s getting up there in years, but that sure hasn’t stopped her from making some pretty brass-balled claims about being at my wedding next summer,” said Stapleton’s granddaughter Katie Orville, 31, noting that the octogenarian’s remark that she “couldn’t wait to see everyone there” was just one example of Stapleton writing a huge check that her ass might not be able to cash. “And last week, she was running her mouth about how proud she was of [grandson] Travis and how she was looking forward to watching him get his diploma when he graduates from Syracuse in May. All I could think was, hey, why don’t we try slowing it down, Nanna, and see if you can make it through Christmas before you buy a plane ticket, all right?” Orville added that if her grandmother did somehow manage to come through on her big promises, then “more power to her,” but noted that she’s “not holding [her] breath.”
Report: Stagnant Economy Forcing More Americans To Take Jobs As Infrastructure #~# WASHINGTON—Citing recent employment gains in the telecommunications, transportation, energy, and solid waste management sectors, a report released Tuesday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed that the sluggish economy is leading an increasing number of Americans to take jobs as infrastructure. “As job openings in traditional industries continue to fall short of expectations, many Americans have determined that their best option is to take up work as support equipment like wind turbines, telephone poles, and highway guardrails,” said lead researcher Calvin Mueller, noting that the number of adults currently serving as some form of load-bearing structure has grown by 38 percent since 2007. “Additionally, we found that Americans are inclined to relocate to secure gainful work, as reflected by the trend of unemployed citizens of the Upper Midwest and Plains States moving to North Dakota in the hopes of finding work as fiber-optic cables. While few of these people have experience shuttling data between two points at the speed of light, most have reported a willingness to learn a new skill and be buried three feet below ground in order to improve their employment prospects.” Mueller added that infrastructure employment appeared poised for continued growth, noting that California’s proposed high-speed train system alone could create as many as 200,000 railroad-track jobs.
The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children #~# According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health complications and other risks. Here are some pros and cons of waiting until later in life to have children:
Study: 73% Of Bedroom Closets Have Wife’s Boy Toy Crouched Naked Inside #~# ITHACA, NY—According to a Cornell University study released Wednesday, nearly three in four bedroom closets in U.S. family residences currently contain the wife’s naked, crouching boy toy. “After examining more than 20,000 closets nationwide, we found that a full 73 percent of them are presently occupied by a young pool boy, landscaper, or teenage neighbor who is peering through the door slats either fully nude or in hastily donned boxer shorts,” read the 40-page report, which confirmed that each one of the boy toys is, at this moment, hiding among the husband’s hanging dress shirts while attempting to remain completely motionless and control the volume of his breathing. “Also, in over 90 percent of these cases, we found that the cowering swain is looking on wide-eyed as the negligee-clad wife scrambles to assume a seated position on the bed and give the appearance that she’s just casually flipping through a magazine on her nightstand.” The study went on to note that the remaining 27 percent of the nation’s bedroom closets contain the husband’s boy toy.
Obama Has Colorado Appraised #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to get an idea of what the 138-year-old state might be worth, President Barack Obama dispatched a team of appraisers to assess the value of Colorado this week, White House sources confirmed. “Colorado has a lot of great things going for it in terms of spaciousness and its convenient central location, so I figured I’d have it checked out by experts just to get an estimate,” said the president, noting that with its great views, abundance of natural light, and highly ranked schools, the Centennial State’s value could reach well into the 13 figures. “I’ll admit there’s a little bit of crime and some recent fire damage that might lower the value a little, but overall, I think we’ll find the state’s in very good shape and a valuable asset to the American people.” Obama added that to boost the state’s value even higher, the nation might want to consider upgrading some infrastructure and completely gutting the Pueblo metro area.
Report: More Americans Relying On Grandparents To Help Fuck Up Their Kids #~# BALTIMORE—According to a study released Wednesday by sociologists at Johns Hopkins University, an increasing number of parents across the country are relying on their own mothers and fathers to help them fuck up their children. “As economic concerns prompt more parents to work longer hours, many are turning to grandparents to assist them in crushing their children’s self-esteem and shaping them into confused, maladjusted adults,” said lead author Dr. Janine Thompkins, who noted that four in 10 grandparents are currently the family’s primary insult-givers to children. “Parents like knowing that while they’re at work, a trusted family member is satisfactorily filling in for them by shouting at their kids in line at the pharmacy or criticizing their weight in front of their friends. And we found that, in most cases, children emerge just as fucked up and traumatized from a grandparent’s constant belittlement as compared to that from their own mother or father.” Researchers noted that many cash-strapped families are receiving added relief from subsidized child care programs, which allow parents to drop off young children at local community centers to be fucked up by underpaid, uninterested daycare workers.
Burger-Flipping Robot Could Replace Fast Food Workers #~# A Silicon Valley company has engineered a machine capable of making 360 burgers per hour by quickly slicing and layering ingredients, leading experts to believe the machines could replace fast food employees and put them out of work. What do you think?
Smokey The Bear Gets Millennial Makeover For 70th Anniversary #~# In honor of the firefighting mascot’s 70th anniversary this week, advertisers gave Smokey the Bear a makeover to appeal to the millennial generation, which included giving him Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram accounts. What do you think?
Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated #~# ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood on a daily basis.
Livestock Happiest, Healthiest Attendees Of State Fair #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Based on criteria ranging from frequency of exercise to wholesomeness of diet to general contentment, reports confirmed Tuesday that the livestock on display at the 2014 Indiana State Fair are by far the happiest and healthiest attendees anywhere on the premises. “Hey, look at that cow over there,” one fairgoer reportedly said, pointing out a prize-winning Hereford that, along with the several dozen other farm animals nearby, was more physically active, satisfied, alert, and more recently bathed than any human on the 250-acre fairgrounds. “Whoa, he’s a big fella. Get a picture of me with the cow.” Sources confirmed that, compared to other fair attendees, the livestock ate less food off the ground as well.
FCC Mandates Text-To-911 Emergency Service #~# The FCC has established a deadline for all cellular providers to offer services that allow users to text messages to 911 emergency dispatchers, which allows those in need to get help when it's too dangerous to talk or when they are unable to speak. What do you think?
I’m Always Open To Feedback That I Can Get Defensive About And Ultimately Ignore #~# I’ll be the first to admit I’m not perfect. I make mistakes, the same as any of us do. We’re only human, after all, and despite our best intentions, we’re bound to make poor choices now and then. What distinguishes us as individuals is how we act when we discover we’ve made a mistake. For me, the answer is simple: It’s all about keeping myself open to feedback that I can get incredibly defensive about and ultimately disregard.
Documentary A Scathing Indictment Of Director’s Filmmaking Skills #~# BOSTON—Saying the film exposes director Kenneth Strable’s total lack of pacing, editing, and cinematography skills, critics and viewers alike have called the newly released documentary The Cost Of Labor a “scathing indictment of the filmmaker’s creative abilities,” reports confirmed this week. “Right from the outset, this film explores the dark underbelly of this so-called auteur, unearthing the ugly truth about his grasp on everything from sound design to storytelling,” said film reviewer Ella McNareth, who noted that after sitting through the damning exposé’s silent five-minute opening shot of an abandoned factory, she would “never look at this director the same way again.” “Certain scenes are extremely hard to watch, and you’re left feeling awful for anyone who played a part in its making. But as disturbing as it is, this documentary is required viewing for anyone who wants to fully understand how unqualified this director is.” McNareth added that perhaps if enough people were to see the documentary, Strable might never be able to make another film again.
Weird New Cereal Sets Tone For First Weekend At Divorced Dad’s #~# APPLETON, WI—Saying that the unfamiliar brand was different from what he was used to, local preteen Nicholas Fischer told reporters Monday that eating a strange new breakfast cereal had really set the tone for the first weekend at his recently divorced father’s apartment. “The Raisin Bran Crunch wasn’t bad, but it’s just not what I normally have,” said Fischer, 12, adding that the presence of whole milk instead of 2 percent milk was another indication of how unusual the next 48 hours would be. “Dad has a different cable package now too, so all the channels were weird. And he had a bar of Irish Spring instead of the liquid stuff we have at home. I mean, it’s okay. It’s just that everything’s a little bit off.” At press time, Fischer was back at his father’s apartment and looking for a dishwasher out of habit.
New Ankle-Bracelet Baby Monitor Predicts Infant’s Mood #~# A company called Sproutling has introduced a $250 wearable baby monitor that fits around the infant’s ankle and records vital signs like heart rate, skin temperature, and motion to predict when the baby will wake up and what mood he or she will be in. What do you think?
Area Man Feels Even Lazier When He Thinks About How Much ISIS Has Accomplished This Year #~# PEORIA, IL—Saying he was already dissatisfied by how little he’d accomplished, 33-year-old Kevin McDouglas told reporters Monday he felt even lazier when looking at the impressive list of achievements the militant Islamist organization ISIS had accumulated this year. “Jeez, in the same time it’s taken me to restain half the back deck, these guys have been out there making some real, tangible progress toward establishing a regional caliphate,” said McDouglas, noting that he couldn’t help but feel like he had wasted his summer after comparing how rapidly the jihadist group had swept through northern Iraq to his own inability to schedule a dentist appointment or clean out his car even with the week off he took in July. “I’d never even heard of them a few months ago, and now they’ve nearly wiped out an entire ethnic group? And here I’ve still got that pile of bricks in the driveway waiting to be placed around the edge of the garden.” At press time, McDouglas was reportedly feeling much better about himself after thinking about the eight pounds he’d recently lost in comparison to the leadership crisis al-Qaeda has been experiencing.
George Clooney Enjoys Another Rousing Evening At Home With Mummified Members Of Rat Pack #~# BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Turning up the volume on his record player while wearing his best sharkskin suit, George Clooney reportedly spent another evening at home Thursday with the mummified members of the Rat Pack. “Hey, Frankie, how about you tell that story about the hostess from the Sands and I pour us some more gasoline—three fingers on the rocks, right?” said Clooney, who, after distributing the drinks and clearing everyone’s plates, reportedly grabbed the chemically preserved corpses of Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr., dabbed the beads of embalming fluid running down their cheeks, and propped them up on the bar stools in his billiard room. “Rack ’em up, Dino! Man, I’m glad we still make time to get together for things like this. Say, Peter, what do you say we get some girls over here and make a real night of it?” According to sources, the evening came to an abrupt end after Joey Bishop’s deteriorating arm fell off following prolonged exposure to the air in Clooney’s walk-in humidor.
Area Woman's Type Tall, Athletic Men Who Have Already Hurt Her #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Pointing out that there are very distinct criteria she looks for in a partner, area woman Christine Maloof told reporters this week that the men she finds attractive tend to be tall, athletic, and have hurt her in the past. “If I had to narrow it down, I’d say I usually go for muscular guys over 6 feet tall who’ve toyed with my emotions and broken my heart at least once before,” the 28-year-old said, noting that her past two flings have been with a former coworker who played in a local soccer league and who dumped her by text on her birthday, and a “super buff” bartender who whittled down her self-esteem over the course of two years with increasingly aggressive and controlling behavior. “I know it’s pretty specific, but for whatever reason I’m just really drawn to men with a certain lean, powerful physique who have already caused me considerable anguish. Especially if they’ve got dark hair and brown eyes and have slept with my best friend.” At press time, Maloof was reportedly thrilled after spotting a cute jogger around the corner from the apartment she used to share with him.
Johnny Manziel Forced To Wear Cleveland Browns Jersey In Cruel Rookie Hazing Incident #~# CLEVELAND—In what many claim is further evidence pointing to the NFL’s growing problem with its locker-room culture, sources confirmed Monday that former Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel was forced to wear a Cleveland Browns jersey as part of a particularly cruel form of rookie hazing. “The recent incident, in which a rookie was subjected to an extreme form of public humiliation, is unacceptable and goes against the values we stand for as an organization,” read an official team statement, responding to allegations that the first-year quarterback was made to wear the utterly demeaning outfit for several consecutive hours in full view of teammates, media members, and spectators. “We fully intend to impress upon all of our players that this type of ‘rite of passage’ can lead to significant emotional and psychological damage, and it has absolutely no place in football. We have reached out to Johnny and his family, and we hope that he will be able to move on from this and that his teammates may begin to slowly regain his trust.” Sources say the Browns are also investigating whether bullying may have been at play after discovering that 2014 first-round pick Justin Gilbert was recently forced to purchase a home in Cleveland.
Hospital Comforts Patients With New Therapy Oyster Program #~# CHICAGO—As part of an effort to provide comfort and serenity to patients, officials at Mount Sinai Hospital have launched a new therapy oyster program that brings hundreds of the bivalve mollusks to the bedsides of those most in need of cheering up. “Our hospitals provide patients with the best medical care available, but the soothing presence of a therapy oyster can offer reassurance that no doctor can,” director Miriam Lucas said of the new program, which brings saltwater tanks of oysters to the rooms of ill and end-of-life patients for them to pet, cuddle, or simply have nearby during a difficult time. “There’s nothing quite like the way a weak, ailing patient’s face lights up when the therapy oysters arrive. Even just watching them filter plankton for 15 minutes a day can make all the difference in the world.” Lucas added that not only do the patients benefit from the therapy oyster program, the oysters seem to enjoy spending time with the patients too.
Study: Americans Eat Half Their Meals Alone #~# According to a new market research report, 57 percent of all American meals are eaten alone, due in part to more people living in single-person households and to there being less stigma associated with eating alone. What do you think?
Article About Return Of Burger King Chicken Fries Only News Area Man Has Clicked On Today #~# PHILADELPHIA—Despite browsing past dozens of headlines about current events on various websites and in his social media feeds, sources confirmed that the only news story area man William Dunbar has clicked on today has been an article about the return of Burger King Chicken Fries. “Oh, hey, what's this?” said Dunbar, who abruptly stopped scrolling and then quickly navigated away from reports on raging global conflicts, landmark Supreme Court decisions, and revolutionary scientific breakthroughs to instead learn more about the fry-shaped chicken-based snack. “Huh, wow. They’re back.” At press time, Dunbar was reportedly clicking on a second article about the same subject.
Area Man Up For Anything Except Being The One Who Makes The Decision #~# LOS ANGELES—Assuring his buddies during their first round of drinks that this would be “a night for the history books,” local man Jeff Kirkwood boldly declared that he was up for absolutely anything except making a definite decision, bar sources reported Friday. “Guys, tonight’s going to be epic, and I’m totally game for anything that doesn’t require me personally to propose and commit fully to an idea of how to spend the remainder of our night,” Kirkwood said, finishing off his first beer and ordering another while affirming that he was “just getting started.” “Skinny-dipping? Midnight trip to Vegas? Hell, if you wanted to go bungee jumping right now, I’d be with you all the way given the fact that everyone else already reached that consensus and were sufficiently enthusiastic that I wouldn’t make the final call. So, let’s see where the night takes us!” At press time, Kirkwood was raising his glass to toast the spontaneity of the evening and offering to buy another round for the table if everyone else thought that was a good idea and would definitely partake.
Obama: Iraq Airstrikes Not Slippery Slope To Other Humanitarian Interventions #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to reassure a weary American public, President Obama said Friday that his decision to authorize airstrikes to protect Iraqi Kurds and besieged Yazidi minorities was not the beginning of a slippery slope toward other humanitarian interventions. “Many are concerned that these strikes could lead to responding in a compassionate, principled manner to a host of other crises in the world, but I cannot and will not permit that to happen,” the president said at a press conference, emphasizing that the strike would not deteriorate into involvement on behalf of other oppressed peoples anywhere else on the globe. “As commander-in-chief, I can assure the American people that this is a limited-scale mission of mercy that will in no way take us down the road to stepping in on behalf of other persecuted groups. Nobody wants that.” At press time, polls suggested that the U.S. populace was divided on the airstrikes, and even supporters worried that humanitarian interventions had a way of getting out of hand.
NRA Removes ‘Guns For The Blind’ Video #~# After receiving widespread backlash, the NRA has pulled an installment of its NRA News segment in which a U.S. Navy Seal argues that blind people should be allowed to carry guns just like everyone else, asking, “Do you think you need to see where you’re shooting if someone is on top of you, trying to kill or rape you?” What do you think?
Rest Of Evening Spent Declaring Asshole Not Going To Ruin Evening #~# SAN RAMON, CA—Following a brief and uncomfortable confrontation with an obnoxious stranger during their night out, a local group of friends spent the remainder of the evening declaring that they would not let the total asshole ruin their evening, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s over, so let’s just pretend it never happened and enjoy the night,” said Jason Madigan, 29, sharing a sentiment that each remaining member of the party reportedly took turns restating every 10 to 15 minutes throughout the rest of the evening as they all continued to replay the incident over and over in their minds. “What happened, happened. We’re here, we’re having a good time, and that guy’s not going to change it.” Sources confirmed that when the group of friends later look back on their night out, the unpleasant incident is all that will be remembered.
Cardinals To Donate $1,000 To Charity Every Time John Lackey Hits A Batter #~# ST. LOUIS—As part of their ongoing effort to give back to the community, the St. Louis Cardinals announced Friday that the team will be donating $1,000 to charity for every batter that starting right-hander John Lackey hits with a pitch. “The Cardinals organization has always sought to lend a hand to those in need, so in that spirit, we will now be contributing to a number of national and local charities every time John plunks someone on the numbers,” Cardinals team president Bill DeWitt III told reporters, noting that the initiative will run through the end of the season, with the ultimate goal of $50,000 raised for good causes. “Whether John tags a batter in the back, beans him right on the helmet, or even just hits his arm with a pitch that’s high and inside, we’ll be writing a check. We hope these worthy charities will be able to do a lot of good with this money, and we’re fully confident that John will do his part.” DeWitt went on to say that the franchise would also be pledging $10,000 to the St. Louis Children’s Hospital every time a player on the opposing team charges the mound and sparks a bench-clearing brawl.
Frito-Lay Contest Offers Consumers Chance To Appear In Upcoming Bag Of SunChips #~# PLANO, TX—Inviting consumers to experience their favorite snack product like never before, Frito-Lay announced a new sweepstakes this week that will offer customers the chance to appear inside an upcoming bag of SunChips. “This contest will give one grand prize winner and a guest the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to find out what it’s really like in a bag of SunChips,” company spokesperson Nancy Alderman said, adding that the prize would also include an all-expenses-paid trip to the snack manufacturer’s headquarters, where the winner will receive a behind-the-scenes factory tour and be able to sample new Frito-Lay flavors before spending an exhilarating afternoon packed tightly inside a package of either Original or Harvest Cheddar SunChips. “To enter, all you have to do is fill in your name and email address at SunChips.com and you could soon be sealed in a plastic bag alongside your favorite multigrain chips and distributed to a SunChips retailer.” Official rules state that the contest is open to all U.S. residents, excluding the families of Frito-Lay employees and winners of the company’s previous “Win a Date with a Bag of Tostitos” contest.
McDonald’s Testing 60-Second Drive-Thru Guarantee #~# Select McDonald’s restaurants in South Florida are testing out a new promotion that guarantees drive-thru customers a 60-seconds-or-less wait period for food or else they’ll get a free sandwich on a future visit, which has drawn criticism from worker advocates, though McDonald’s says it believes it will “energize the crew” and “entertain guests.” What do you think?
China Bans Government Use Of Apple Products #~# Due to fears of espionage posed by revelations from Edward Snowden, the Chinese government has banned its ministries and federal agencies from buying or using 10 Apple products, including the iPad and MacBook, over concerns that the U.S. will hijack the products and spy on Beijing. What do you think?
Report: Middle Class Running Dangerously Low On Things To Be Squeezed Out Of #~# WASHINGTON—An alarming report released Thursday by researchers at the Economic Policy Institute confirmed that, following a generation of dwindling economic opportunities and stagnant wages, the American middle class is now running dangerously low on things it can be squeezed out of. “Based on our findings, the nation is heading toward a disastrous point in the next decade at which there will no longer be a single facet of our economy from which middle- class families can be further squeezed,” said lead researcher Bryan Shale, adding that having already squeezed middle-income Americans out of job security, access to bank loans, high-quality education, retirement investing, and home ownership, the U.S. had nearly exhausted its already limited supply of squeezable sectors. “Perhaps most distressing is that given how rapidly the middle class has been driven from upward mobility and reliable healthcare, the few areas left to squeeze them out of are negligible at best. We’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here if the ability to shop at premium supermarkets, have museum memberships, or take weekend getaways is all that remains. Unless lawmakers take immediate action, we’re talking about the real possibility of a world in which the middle-class squeeze as we know it is complete, and the majority of Americans can be squeezed no further.” The researchers confirmed, however, that the U.S. middle class is still reliably being hit from all sides.
Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living #~# MILWAUKEE—Explaining with a deep sense of self-delusion that his job provides a “perfect outlet” for both his creative and analytic sides, BTX Communications employee Matthew Krueger confirmed to reporters Thursday that he does exactly what he has convinced himself he loves for a living. “It’s rare that people get to spend every day at work doing what they’re most passionate about, so I’m really fortunate,” the 29-year-old said enthusiastically of the position, which over the past three years has been transformed in Krueger’s mind from a stopgap to pay off student loans to his “dream job.” “It’s essentially what I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid, so it’s wonderful that [I’m trapped here for the foreseeable future, and I’ll just continue repeating ‘this is a fulfilling career’ to myself until it sounds true]. Plus, to actually get paid to do this? Honestly, I couldn’t be happier.” Krueger then assured reporters that he’s one of the luckiest people he knows, after taking into consideration the longtime girlfriend he has persuaded himself is his soulmate.
Survey: Americans Watching Better Sex Than Ever #~# LOS ANGELES—Reflecting a significant shift in societal attitudes and behaviors, a survey completed this week by researchers at the University of Southern California revealed that American adults are watching far better sex than ever before.
Delta Launches Alumni Magazine For People Who Flew Airline Previously #~# ATLANTA—In an effort to foster lifelong connections with past fliers and provide them with updates on the lives of their old cabinmates, Delta Air Lines announced Thursday the launch of Flown, an alumni magazine for its former passengers.
Nation’s Prospective College Applicants Go Straight To Princeton Review’s ‘Best College Radio Station’ Rankings #~# NATICK, MA—Saying that the ratings were influential in helping them make decisions about where to pursue higher education, prospective college applicants across the country reportedly rushed online this week to consult The Princeton Review’s 2015 “Best College Radio Station” rankings. “This list is a pretty big factor in determining where I want to go—there’s no way I’m sending an application to a school that isn’t in the top 10 campus stations,” said high school senior Kyle Hofstadter, adding that seeing St. Bonaventure University’s 88.3 “The Buzz” jump to number three this year had considerably influenced his decision to apply early. “I’m going to do some research on my own about things like how soon they let you become a DJ and what their indie-to-hip-hop ratio is like, just to make sure I’m not putting too much stock in the rankings. But after reading this, I’m pretty sure I know the schools that are right for me.” Many applicants added that they also intended to consider a safety school such as Denison University, whose 91.1 WDUB “The Doobie” was ranked an unimpressive 17th on the list.
‘Pheromone Parties’ Help Singles Find Dates By Sniffing Each Other #~# More singles are taking part in an alternative dating trend called “pheromone parties,” in which participants sleep in the same T-shirts for three nights, put them in numbered plastic bags, and bring them to parties where guests can sniff the shirts and match up with the person whose scent they like. What do you think?
Tiger Woods Developing Swing That Doesn’t Send Pain Shooting Through Every Inch Of Body #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Aiming to fine-tune his mechanics after returning from a recent back surgery, golf star Tiger Woods told reporters at the PGA Championship Wednesday that he is currently working on building a new swing that doesn’t send waves of intense pain through every single inch of his body. “I’ve been making some adjustments in my posture and rhythm—a lot of minor things, really—so I can have a consistent drive without feeling excruciating, white-hot pain in my back, arms, legs, and neck,” said Woods, adding that he has been working with coach Sean Foley to develop a follow-through that doesn’t cause his eyes to water from an agonizing throbbing sensation that radiates across his entire body. “Right now, I’m just experimenting with a slightly tweaked motion to see where I can strike a good balance between a powerful stroke and a level of pain I can actually tolerate without blacking out. But it’s a process, so I’ll have to be patient while working out all the kinks.” Woods later confirmed that he is also looking to make a slight adjustment to his grip that will allow him to hold his driver without immediately doubling over and vomiting.
Hispanics Expected To Become Majority Of U.S. Population By Middle Of Father-In-Law’s Rant #~# WASHINGTON—According to a Census Bureau report released Thursday, Hispanics are now projected to make up the majority of the U.S. populace by the middle of local father-in-law Jerry Stambaugh’s rant. “We found that Latinos are on track to outnumber whites in this country as early as when Jerry starts in on how they’re taking all the jobs and how there are too many of them already,” said Census Bureau associate director for field operations William H. Hatcher Jr., adding that, if the pace of immigration accelerates, the historic demographic shift may even occur by the time the 58-year-old father-in-law’s tirade reveals Hispanics breed like rabbits and drain the country’s valuable resources. “Our research suggests that, further down the road, when he angrily launches into how things were a hell of a lot different when he was growing up, the Latino population may reach upwards of 55 or even 60 percent of the nation’s population. Even our most conservative estimates posit a Hispanic majority before Stambaugh declares how those people should just go back to their own country.” Experts further projected that no real Americans would be left in the country by the end of Stambaugh’s epithet-filled ramblings.
Entirety Of Man’s Personal Data Protected By Reference To Third Season Of ‘The West Wing’ #~# ALPHARETTA, GA—Online sources confirmed Wednesday that every piece of 34-year-old Mark O’Connell’s personal data is currently protected by a reference to the third season of long-running NBC political drama The West Wing. Reports indicate that the reference, derived from the name of a guest character in an early-season episode of the Aaron Sorkin drama that went off the air in 2006, is, at present, all that stands in the way of strangers gaining total access to intimate details of the automotive insurance agent’s personal, professional, and financial life. In particular, sources noted that the security of everything from O'Connell's banking and credit card accounts, to proprietary documents from his work, to his social media profiles, to all of his email correspondence, rests solely on the wry nod to a scene during the Emmy-nominated episode “On The Day Before,” in which the White House staff hosts a dinner for several Nobel laureates while President Bartlet works to veto an estate tax bill. Those close to the situation, however, noted that some of O’Connell’s most sensitive information is safeguarded by a secondary layer of protection in the form of a security question about his favorite character from Sports Night.
Russian Gangsters Steal 1.2 Billion Passwords #~# A Milwaukee online security firm discovered this week that a Russian crime ring has stolen 1.2 billion username and password combinations from internet users, the largest theft of its kind in history, and are using most of the information to send out spam in exchange for a fee. What do you think?
Dorm Room Essentials #~# With college right around the corner for millions of incoming freshmen, students across the country are shopping for sheets, towels, shower sandals, decorations, and other essential items to prepare for college life and make their dorm rooms feel like home. Here is a list of dorm room supplies every student should have:
Date’s Flaws Coming At Woman Faster Than She Can Rationalize Them #~# WILMINGTON, DE—Over the course of their dinner Tuesday evening at a local bar and grill, area woman Melissa Kowalski, 27, reportedly faced a constant stream of her date’s personal flaws so swift and intense that she could not possibly rationalize them all.
Study Finds Blame Now Fastest Human Reflex #~# WALTHAM, MA—According to a study published Wednesday in the New England Journal of Medicine, blame has now surpassed instinctive responses such as blinking and flinching as the fastest human reflex. “Our research shows that assigning fault to another person for a negative or unintended outcome is now the human body’s quickest involuntary action,” said lead author Dr. John Wittsack, adding that changes to the brain’s neural pathways over time have allowed for a nearly instantaneous transition between perceiving a problem and condemning someone else for causing it. “In the time it takes for a single sneeze or for the pupil to contract once, an average human can blame dozens, if not hundreds of individuals. In fact, the blame reflex may soon be too rapid to be measured even by our most sensitive instruments.” By contrast, Wittsack added that accepting responsibility had degenerated into a purely vestigial reflex and would eventually exit the human race altogether.
Going-Out-Of-Business Sign Thanks Neighborhood For 3 Months Of No Support Whatsoever #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Shuttering its doors after an unprofitable 12 weeks in business, local coffee shop Crossroads Café offered a heartfelt goodbye to the community this week with a large going-out-of-business sign thanking residents for their total lack of support. “Although we’re sad to be leaving, the whole team at Crossroads Café owes a huge debt of gratitude to our customers for only peeking in, ignoring our daily fresh baked goods, not showing up to any of our live events, and just generally being uncaring pricks,” read the emphatic, hand-lettered poster prominently displayed in the window of the now-defunct storefront. “Having to make rent and payroll with barely $100 in sales is an experience we’ll never forget. We feel so fortunate that even for three short months we had the chance to serve such a cheap, disloyal community who clearly could give a shit about supporting local commerce. And we truly mean this from the bottom of our hearts: Thanks for nothing, assholes.” The poster is considered to be the local business community’s sincerest farewell to the public since the Fox Road Blockbuster Video hung its famous “Enjoy Your Fucking Netflix” banner in 2011.
New Law Requires Welfare Recipients To Submit Sweat To Prove How Hard They’re Looking For Job #~# WASHINGTON— In an effort to ensure that those on welfare are actively seeking employment, a new law enacted this week will require recipients of federal aid to periodically submit vials of sweat for measurement by government officials. “We want to make sure that our resources are allocated only to those who are deserving of assistance, which is why all welfare recipients must now prove they have exerted themselves past the point of perspiration during their job searches,” said United States Department of Labor representative Elizabeth Bronson, who added that each month, in order to collect benefit checks, welfare recipients will have to wring out their sweat into official government vials before mailing them in for analysis. “These new stipulations will guarantee that people on welfare are out there every day hitting the streets trying to find employment, working up a good sweat, and not returning home at night until beads of perspiration are dripping off of them.” According to reports, Congress is also considering a law that would require those receiving food stamps to send in recordings of their family’s stomachs growling.
More Couples Using ‘Wedding Drones’ To Film Nuptials #~# A growing number of U.S. couples are using small commercial drones to shoot photographs of wedding guests and capture aerial footage of their ceremonies, though the Federal Aviation Administration has warned that the practice is illegal and offenders could be charged with breaking the law. What do you think?
Open Carry Gun Law Advocates Release Children’s Book #~# Pro-gun advocates have released a children’s picture book called My Parents Open Carry about a 13-year-old girl named Brenna Strong, whose parents openly carry guns for self-defense, which the authors say aims to educate people on Second Amendment rights and promote acceptance of open carry policies. What do you think?
Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East #~# With the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, sectarian violence boiling over in Iraq, and Syria mired in a civil war that’s now more than three years old, the Middle East continues to be plagued by bloodshed and unrest. Here are The Onion’s tips for finally bringing peace to the troubled region:
Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son #~# GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homosexuality. “Look, we tried to raise Henry right, and we’re very supportive of his sexual orientation, but as long as he can’t make a car payment on his own and spends all his time playing strategy board games with his friends, we will never be able to accept him back into our family,” said Susan Lindegaard, who said that she felt physically ill and had to leave the room when her son broke the news to her that he was living in a cramped two-bedroom apartment with three other roommates and that he was thinking of starting his own T-shirt printing business on the side. “Henry is welcome to bring whoever he loves to this house, but I will not let him walk in the door with that Quiznos uniform on him. How is he not ashamed to be seen in public like that? He has no idea how much that hurts us.” According to sources, after envisioning her son recording his own understated synthesizer-based music on an old four-track in his bedroom, Lindegaard broke down in tears and asked God what she had done for her child to turn out like this.
Keeping Your Child Safe Online #~# Polls indicate that 95 percent of teenagers are online, while a growing number of young children now have access to internet-capable cell phones and devices. Here’s what parents can do to make sure their kids stay safe while using the internet:
If The Founding Fathers Were Alive Today, They’d Be Too Fascinated By A Garbage Disposal To Do Anything #~# Nowadays, it seems like our country is more divided than ever. It’s tougher and tougher to find something all Americans can agree on, and amid all this acrimony and infighting, one can’t help but wonder if our nation’s best days are behind us. In times like these, it only makes sense that we turn to the wisdom of the Founding Fathers, who, if they were alive today, would be too fascinated by a garbage disposal to do pretty much anything.
Seventh-Grader Only Has 2 Weeks Left To Acquire Cool Identity By First Day Of School #~# VALPARAISO, IN—Expressing concern that his summer vacation is too quickly passing him by, local incoming seventh-grader Matthew Valentine told reporters Tuesday he now has just two weeks left in which to acquire a cool new identity before school starts.
Wife Already Knows The One Thing She’ll Say That Can Never Be Taken Back #~# OCALA, FL—Acknowledging that she has the ability to forever change the dynamic of her marriage with only a few simple words, area wife Sarah Causley told reporters Tuesday that she already knows the single comment she will never be able to take back once spoken. “There are a lot of things I could say that would be hurtful, but this one’s different—if I ever said it out loud, there’s no amount of apologizing that could make things right again,” said Causley, who confirmed that she hopes she never has to use the remark, but stated that if she did, there would be absolutely no going back to the life that she and her spouse have shared for the past 18 months, from their day-to-day intimacy to their long-term plans and goals. “The thing is, it’s always sitting right there in the back of my head whenever we’re arguing, and would be really easy to pull out if I had to. I know the exact wording too.” Causley’s husband later informed reporters that he already knows the one thing his wife most needs to hear that he will never be able to bring himself to say.
Study: Human Culture Evolved As Testosterone Levels Fell #~# According to new research, the development of modern arts and advanced tools arose in human culture about 50,000 years ago, at the same time as levels of testosterone—the hormone linked to macho, aggressive behavior—began decreasing in humans. What do you think?
Civilian Casualty Flattered To Have Been Mistaken For Hamas Leader #~# RAFAH, GAZA STRIP—Remarking that he felt honored to be considered so important and influential, Gazan civilian casualty Khalil Said Zahlan told reporters from an emergency aid station Monday that he was incredibly flattered to have been mistaken for a Hamas militant leader by an Israeli airstrike. “I’m just a regular shop owner here in Gaza, so I can’t imagine what would lead them to think I had the capability to command an armed insurgent movement, but I’m not one to turn down a compliment,” said a bandaged Zahlan, who added that being held in high enough regard to be targeted and violently forced from his home by a round of bombing this morning was far from faint praise. “I have no connection to Hamas at all, but to receive that kind of attention from Israel’s top military officials is really something. This is an honor I won’t forget.” Zahlan added that he was deeply touched that the Israel Defense Forces also mistook his two young daughters and late wife for Hamas leaders as well.
Michelle Obama Can Still Hear Their Little Labored Breaths When She Closes Her Eyes #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that there must be hundreds, if not thousands of them panting and gasping, First Lady Michelle Obama told reporters Monday that she still hears the labored breaths of overweight schoolchildren whenever she closes her eyes. “The huffing and puffing—I just can’t escape it,” said a visibly distraught Obama, describing the disembodied chorus of tiny wheezing lungs that has haunted her every single day since the beginning of her husband’s presidency. “It starts off slow, but then it gets faster and faster, louder and louder. Each night brings the endless pitter-patter of them running flat-footed across the gymnasium floor and then struggling to catch their breath. Oh, God, I can even hear them now.” At press time, sources said President Obama was awoken from his sleep by a sweat-soaked First Lady hysterically begging him to make them stop.
PETA Demands New Ending For Live-Action ‘Dumbo’ #~# After Disney announced it is making a live-action remake of the 1941 animated classic Dumbo, PETA has demanded that producers change the original finale of the film, where Dumbo becomes the star of the circus, to a “happy ending” where he can retire from entertainment and escape to an elephant sanctuary. What do you think?
Study: Average American Has Over 9 Million Imagined Sexual Partners In Lifetime #~# CHICAGO—According to a study published this week in the American Journal Of Sociology, the average American has intercourse with upwards of 9 million imagined sexual partners over the course of his or her lifetime. “From their teenage years onward, most individuals have hundreds of thousands of fantasized sexual partners every year, beginning with attractive teachers and classmates, and eventually expanding to wholly dreamt-up relations with good-looking coworkers or people on the subway,” said lead researcher Kevin Douglas, adding that even married individuals had upwards of 4 million completely imagined sexual partners outside of wedlock. “And the factor of age is minimal, as people well into their golden years were more than capable of sexual intercourse with dozens of partners in their mind every single day.” Douglas added that a significant proportion of Americans also conjured up sexual relations with two or more partners simultaneously 2.5 million times.
Man Under Impression He Went Down Fighting #~# LOVELAND, CO—Asserting that he’d given a recent work project everything he had but that it wasn’t quite enough, local office worker Tom Janssen is currently under the impression that he went down fighting, sources reported Monday. “Well, at the end of the day I came up a bit short, but I sure as heck gave it my all,” said an incorrect Janssen, mistakenly identifying his wholly inadequate display of effort on a proposal, which was summarily rejected by his supervisor, as “pushing [himself] to the limit.” “You win some, you lose some. I put it all on the line and I fought until the very end, but it just didn’t work out this time, and I’m okay with that.” Janssen then stated accurately that his level of commitment to the project “speaks for itself.”
Pitiful Man Struggles To Find Reason Not To Watch Rebroadcast Of 2006 Michigan-Ohio State Game #~# ADRIAN, MI—Noting that the sad, pathetic little man stumbled upon the rebroadcast while absentmindedly flipping through channels Sunday evening, sources confirmed that local 28-year-old Jason Garner struggled to find a single reason not to watch a Big Ten Network airing of the famed 2006 college football game between Ohio State and the University of Michigan. “I’ve seen this entire game four times since I first watched it live, but right now, I’m not sure I can think of anything to prevent me from sitting here and doing it again,” said the utterly pitiful excuse for an adult, adding that the thrilling 42-39 game between the Buckeyes and Wolverines—which reportedly harbors absolutely none of the suspense or significance of the original matchup from nearly eight years ago—has thus far trumped every other possible thing he could be doing with his time. “I know for a fact that on this play, Michigan is going to run an inside handoff for about three yards, but here I am, watching it again. I mean, I’ve considered the work I have to finish up by tomorrow morning and the fact that I really need to head to the grocery store before it closes, but none of that is really enough to pull me away from this. At this point, I’m about ready to just accept that this is going to be the rest of my night.” Reports later confirmed that early into the first quarter, the feeble and completely hopeless Garner had reportedly convinced himself to record the rest of the game on his DVR.
Employer Totally Botches Job Interview #~# EVANSVILLE, IN—Worrying aloud that he came across as fidgety and unassertive, local executive Greg Bricker confided to reporters Monday that he completely bombed his latest interview with a prospective employee. “I was a little nervous that I hadn’t prepared enough going into it, and then as soon as I walked into the room, I just kind of froze up,” said a visibly frustrated Bricker, who admitted that while he had a couple good talking points lined up, he didn’t make enough eye contact, laughed too loud at the candidate’s jokes, and ended with an embarrassingly weak handshake. “Projecting confidence is key in these situations, but I was completely off my game. I didn’t even have anything to say when he asked if I had any more questions. Not good.” Bricker then lamented that the applicant probably had a bunch of other interviews lined up this week and that there was no use following up with him after such a lackluster performance, as there was no way he would ever hear back from him.
Company Lets Customers Send Dead Pets’ Ashes To Space #~# Celestis, a Houston company that has offered a service called “Earth Rise” since 1997 that sends cremated human remains to space, is now extending the same service to deceased pets, allowing pet owners to launch their pets’ ashes into space in a small memorial capsule and then receive it as a keepsake once it falls back to earth, for a cost of $12,500. What do you think?
Nurse To Grab Lunch Right After She Finishes Draining Bile From Man’s Liver #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Saying that she could go for Thai or maybe Mexican, nurse Rhonda Merritt reportedly told colleagues at Martha Jefferson Hospital today that she plans to grab lunch as soon as she finishes draining all the bile from an elderly patient’s infected liver. “Pad thai wouldn’t be bad, but I just had that a couple days ago, so maybe Chipotle?” the 42-year-old nurse said to her coworkers as she removed a catheter bag filled with green-brown liquid from her patient and then turned him on his side to sop up the discharge from a bedsore on his tailbone. “One of those carne asada burritos actually sounds pretty good right about now. Definitely with guac and sour cream. Man, I’m starving.” Adding that she didn’t have much time before she needed to suction out a few patients’ tracheostomy openings, Merritt then reportedly told colleagues that she might just have some chow mein delivered.
Teens Getting Hurt Playing ‘Fire Challenge’ Game #~# Police and medical workers across the country are reporting more incidents of teenagers hurting themselves playing the “Fire Challenge” game shown in numerous YouTube videos, which involves pouring a small amount of flammable liquid on their bodies and lighting themselves on fire. What do you think?
Fan At Indians Game Upset To Find Someone Else In His Section #~# CLEVELAND—Having made his way up the series of ramps to Progressive Field’s upper deck, 32-year-old Cleveland Indians fan Bradley Hunt’s excitement for the upcoming game against the Texas Rangers quickly shifted to frustration after finding another person sitting in his section, sources confirmed Friday. “Oh, come on, what is this guy doing here?” Hunt said in reference to the lone man in the sea of empty rows overlooking right field, noting that there were plenty of other unoccupied upper deck sections nearby where one could sit and watch the game alone from an equally good vantage point. “It’s so annoying to climb all the way up here expecting to grab my section, only to find some random guy took it. I mean, I paid $14 for this. It’s ridiculous.” At press time, having failed to sort the situation out diplomatically, an irate Hunt was searching for the stadium’s lone usher to escort the man out.
Biden Gets Grow Light Delivered To White House Under Fake Name #~# WASHINGTON—Instructing workers to be on the lookout for a pretty huge package labeled “Fragile,” Vice President Joe Biden visited the White House mailroom Friday to check for the arrival of a grow light he’d had delivered under a fake name, multiple sources reported. “You guys know if any boxes arrived for a Robert Marley?” Biden reportedly asked in a low tone of voice, noting that the parcel would be shipped from a company called Photonics, Inc. in Vancouver, and that maybe his buddy Chip who works nights had already set it aside. “Long story, but I had a little mishap with my rig a few weeks ago and some of the guys on the Plantazoid forums said this thing is the shit.” At press time, the vice president was seen furtively slipping into the Lincoln Bedroom closet with a load of tinfoil he had taken from the White House kitchen.
Groundbreaking Young Adult Novel Features Protagonist Who’s A Bit Of A Loner #~# BEND, OR—Poised to shake up the genre with its daring choice of protagonist, a groundbreaking young adult novel released this week by author Joan Berman reportedly makes the bold choice of following a moody, independently minded high school student who could be described as something of a loner. “Rather than focusing on a popular member of the in-crowd, Happy Nowhere challenges readers’ expectations by telling the outcast’s story,” said book critic Anna Meier, noting that the work’s convention-defying heroine, 16-year-old Shelby Sartell, doesn’t particularly fit in with her classmates, sometimes gets teased and bullied, and even has a rather unusual family life. “With this novel, Berman breaks the mold, giving voice to a young woman who isn’t exactly part of the mainstream—someone you might say marches to the beat of her own drum. It’s an audacious choice, but somehow, you actually find yourself rooting for the kid. I think we’ll be surprised by how well teens respond to this trailblazing literary direction.” Meier added that in a fresh twist on the straightforward two-person relationships seen in most young adult novels, Happy Nowhere involves a more complicated love triangle.
Amazon Paying Prime Subscribers To Choose Slower Deliveries #~# Overwhelmed by the huge number of Amazon Prime subscribers who are choosing the site’s speedy shipping service, Amazon is offering $1 in credit toward video downloads to anyone who chooses “No-Rush” shipping, which delivers products in five to seven days instead of two. What do you think?
Report: Average Person Spends 27% Of Lifetime In The Way #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—According to a study released Thursday by researchers at Rutgers University, the average person spends more than a quarter of his or her lifetime directly in the way of other people. “Our research revealed that throughout a normal lifespan, a person will spend a total of three years in the middle of a sidewalk hindering the movement of pedestrians, a full year blocking doorways, and more than six months holding up a dozen or more strangers while walking far too slowly down a flight of stairs,” said head researcher Dr. Kenneth Lawrence, who added that most people spend at least 3 percent of their lives standing in the center of a crowded grocery store aisle forcing their frustrated fellow patrons to squeeze by with their carts. “Whether it’s impeding foot traffic in public, the home, or at work, the amount of time spent getting in the way of others really adds up. In fact, we found that most people spend an aggregate of three weeks each year just trying to maneuver out of the way of someone walking straight toward them.” The study also determined that 65 percent of the average person’s life is spent not paying attention to where the fuck they’re going.
People Bending iPhones At Apple Stores #~# Videos are surfacing online of people going into Apple stores and trying to bend the new iPhone 6 Plus to prove that it’s possible, drawing criticism from internet commenters accusing them of being idiots. What do youthink?
Man Hates Being Put In Position Where He Has To Think, Feel, Or Act #~# AMARILLO, TX—Bemoaning the burdensome expectations regularly placed upon him by his family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers, local 38-year-old Howard Ridley expressed discomfort Tuesday with the number of situations in which he is asked to think, feel, or act—and sometimes do all three. “I swear, everywhere I go, people expect me to take some matter or another into consideration, display some sort of emotion in response, and perhaps even do something about it,” Ridley said in a press statement blasting what he described as the near-daily requests that he assess a situation before him and then react to it in a rational, or at least socially appropriate, manner. “I’m sick of it. Everyone needs to back off, give me some space, and let me respond to the outside world if and when I’m ready to do so.” Ridley added that if he were to cave in to the incessant demands on his behavior, the next thing you know, people would be pressuring him to actually talk and move.
50 Years Of Climate Change, Habitat Loss Somehow Unable To Take Down Goddamned Parrotfish #~# SEATTLE—Saying that the species has thus far defied all scientific projections, stunned officials from the Marine Conservation Institute announced Tuesday that the past half century of climate change and habitat loss somehow hasn’t managed to take down the goddamned parrotfish.
I’m Sorry, But You’re Just Not The Man I Hoped You Would Become When We Got Married #~# When you and I recited our wedding vows nearly 12 years ago, we pledged to remain together for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. But if I’m being honest with myself, I have to admit that I’ve started to question if our marriage is working. I’m sorry to say this, but the fact is that you’re just not the man I blindly hoped you would somehow transform into when we got married.
Report: Consumer Confidence In Amorphous, Indefinable Idea Of Economy Highest Since 2006 #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—According to a report published Tuesday by the University of Michigan, Americans’ confidence in the nebulous, vastly complex concept of the U.S. economy has reached its highest level since 2006. “After eight years of mostly pessimistic attitudes toward the incomprehensible system of billions of moving parts they can’t even begin to imagine, let alone understand on a national scale, we found that consumers are starting to grow more optimistic about the indefinable idea of the American economy,” said senior researcher Doug Robertson, who projected that individuals’ confidence in the intricate and unknowable network of production and consumption would lead to a strong holiday shopping season. “Furthermore, as more and more people believe in the health of this amorphous abstraction they’ve never formally learned anything about and don’t even have the most basic grasp of, we expect this positive sentiment to continue upwards.” Robertson added that confidence in the fuzzy, inscrutable engine of national prosperity had reached record highs among economists as well.
Man Always Taking Good Mood Out On Friends #~# NORFOLK, VA—Saying how difficult it is to be around him when he’s unable to get a handle on his emotions, frustrated friends of local man James Melrose complained Tuesday that the 26-year-old is constantly taking his good mood out on them. “I didn’t do anything to make him upbeat, so it’s not really fair that I always end up getting pulled into it,” said friend Christa Daniels, noting that she consciously avoids interacting with Melrose when he appears visibly happy and often tells him to take a deep breath and come back when he’s calmed down. “Some days it’s his love life, some days it’s his work, and some days it’s probably just a personality thing. Regardless, it’s best to keep your distance when he’s getting whatever he’s going through out of his system; people only have so much patience for that kind of thing.” At press time, Melrose was seen drinking at a local bar and unleashing so much pent-up positivity on his friends that several reportedly grew irritated and walked out.
Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings #~# BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware of her surroundings. “It comes and goes right now, and we’re just worried she may become completely alert to what’s going on around her,” said Humphries’ eldest daughter, Karen Lefferts, noting that those fleeting moments when her mother is awake and appears to be slowly piecing together her situation are almost too much for the family to bear. “Sometimes it seems like she might be starting to understand why she’s sitting upright in an adjustable bed that’s not in the home she spent most of her life in, like she’s suddenly right there with you instead of a million miles away. No one ever wants to see a loved one go through that.” At press time, Humphries’ family members were on the verge of tears as she reportedly looked around her tiny room and remembered each and every one of their names.
Kim Jong-Un Suffering From Gout Caused By Eating Too Much Cheese #~# After he was absent from the public eye for three weeks, North Korean state media finally admitted that 31-year-old Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un is suffering from “an uncomfortable physical condition,” which anonymous sources have said is gout caused by his addiction to imported Swiss cheese. What do you think?
Nation Braces For 13 More Weeks Of Coworkers Talking About Their Fantasy Football Teams #~# WASHINGTON—Steeling themselves for another long workday of incessant commentary about points accumulated by kickers or the performance of a particular sleeper, citizens nationwide braced Monday for 13 more weeks of listening to coworkers talk about their fantasy football teams. “I just have to make sure I’m mentally prepared ahead of time, because I know the minute I say hello to anyone in my office, they’ll immediately launch into a player-by-player recap of how their team did this weekend, and then probably say something about how they would have won if they just followed their instincts about who to start instead of following experts’ picks,” said sales representative Alan Ferro of Dallas, echoing the sentiments of hundreds of millions of Americans, all of whom were silently encouraging themselves to be strong for the next four months so they could endure continuous conversations on the pros and cons of various potential waiver wire pickups. “I’ll try asking Todd in accounting how his kids are doing, and he’ll somehow circle right back to complaining about a rash of running back injuries that have once again derailed his whole season. But that's just how it is every year until January. You just have to be tough and power through it.” At press time, the nation was also beginning to brace itself for the small contingent of coworkers who would, in just a few short months, begin loudly explaining why they’re not going to watch the Super Bowl.
George Clooney Gets Married #~# After declaring he would never get married again and dating a string of beautiful women, 53-year-old actor George Clooney got married in Venice this weekend to Oxford-educated human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin. What do you think?
Highlights Of George Clooney’s Wedding #~# Last weekend saw the marriage of superstar actor and perennial candidate for Hollywood’s most eligible bachelor George Clooney to human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin in a lavish, star-studded affair in Venice. Here are the highlights of the event:
How China Stifles Dissent #~# Recent clashes with pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong have refocused international scrutiny on the Chinese government’s efforts to quell social unrest and silence demonstrators. Here are some ways that China stifles its dissenters:
Diabetic, Gout-Ridden Kim Jong-Un By Far Healthiest Person In North Korea #~# PYONGYANG—Following reports that the head-of-state is receiving treatment for a variety of medical conditions, an Amnesty International report released Monday confirmed that the diabetic and gout-ridden dictator Kim Jong-un is still by far the healthiest individual in North Korea. “With high levels of uric acid in his bloodstream causing painful swelling in his lower joints and pancreatic failure resulting in extreme soreness and fatigue, Kim Jong-un is currently the picture of strength and wellness in his country,” said the report’s author, Dr. Philip Gilliam, adding that not one of North Korea’s nearly 25 million citizens could even fathom a life in which they only suffered from high blood pressure, night sweats, and an arthritic limp. “As a man living with the effects of severe weight gain and heavy alcohol consumption, he ranks first among his citizens in nearly every measurable standard of health and fitness. In fact, should his diabetes worsen and lead to reduced vision, impaired hearing, or even nerve damage, Kim Jong-un would almost certainly continue to remain in the top percentile of the nation’s healthiest individuals.” Gilliam confirmed that Kim’s life expectancy of 69 is remarkable for the hermetic nation, though he added that most North Koreans are deeply thankful they will never live that long.
Liberal Arts Graduate Realizes He’s Already Forgotten 90% Of Human Condition #~# SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Saying he could barely recall anything about the inescapable aloneness of individual existence, recent liberal arts graduate Jonathan Snyder confirmed Monday that he had already forgotten roughly 90 percent of the human condition. “I’ve only been out of college for a year and a half, but I’m having a really tough time remembering the first thing about humanity’s desire for deeper meaning and purpose in all pursuits,” said Snyder, who has not once plumbed the depths of mankind’s capacity for both good and evil since receiving his degree. “When I first graduated, I could easily explore how the ultimate mysteries surrounding life and the inevitability of death torment humankind across its myriad endeavors. But I guess that’s the sort of skill you lose if you aren’t using it constantly.” Snyder went on to add that his liberal arts education wasn’t totally wasted, as he consistently remembers that God doesn’t exist.
New NFL Rule Protects Quarterbacks From Brutal Criticism #~# NEW YORK—As part of a comprehensive league-wide policy change going into effect immediately, the NFL officially announced a new rule Monday aimed at protecting quarterbacks from any blatant and especially brutal criticism. “This has quickly become a greater issue in the sport as a whole, so we have taken steps to ensure that a team’s quarterback cannot under any circumstances be hit with criticism deemed to be severe or in any way excessive,” the league said in a statement, which went on to explain that considerable penalties and fines will be imposed upon anyone who decries a quarterback’s high interception rate or inability to make key third-down completions. “A passer can no longer be slammed by the media in the aftermath of a loss, and the ban on attempts to disparage a quarterback’s questionable composure and decision-making in the pocket will also be strictly enforced. There is simply no place for this type of behavior in our league.” The statement also clarified that while NFL officials are currently contemplating similar guidelines for wide receivers, such protections will not apply to any players on defense.
NFL Week Four Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the fourth week of the NFL season:
Study Finds Mass Extinction Could Free Up Billions Of Dollars In Conservation Funding By 2024 #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the extra income would be a major boon both for individual citizens and the country at large, a study released Monday by the Congressional Budget Office confirmed that a mass extinction of the world’s flora and fauna could free up billions of dollars in conservation funding over the next decade. “According to our projections, if the ongoing global extinction of the world’s 8.7 million species continues at current rates, the U.S. stands to pocket some serious cash, likely enough to cover most infrastructure projects we’ve been putting off,” CBO deputy director Robert Sunshine said, adding that the elimination of entire ecosystems, such as rainforests, would usher in the elimination of Medicare and Social Security funding shortfalls as well. “Even if we just lost panthers, we’d be almost $1 billion ahead. Take them and almost every other living creature out of the picture, and we could build a nationwide high-speed rail line and have some left over for a number of really amazing, top-of-the-line weapons systems.” Sunshine went on to confirm that the government has blueprints for fixing the nation’s education system “ready to go” the second humpback whales disappear.
Video Game ‘Swatting’ Hoax Costing Police Hundreds Of Thousands Of Dollars #~# Police around the nation are reportedly spending as much as $100,000 per response to “swatting” incidents, hoaxes where video game players watching a live video feed of their opponent call the police on the person in order to see a SWAT team raid their house. What do you think?
Public Vs. Private Universities #~# High school seniors across the country are currently weighing their options when it comes to applying for colleges, choosing between smaller, selective private schools or larger, state-funded public ones. Here are the arguments for attending each:
Fantasy Football Week 4: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
Nation’s Younger Cousins Announce Plans To Cry At Haunted Houses This Year #~# CLAYTON, NC—Emphasizing that the seasonal attractions would be scary and dark, the nation’s younger cousins held a press conference Friday announcing their intention to cry at haunted houses this year. “In the weeks ahead, as we attend haunted houses and haunted forests throughout the country, it is our plan to spend several moments shaking our heads ‘no’ outside the entrances of these locations, before being coaxed into the attraction already on the verge of tears,” said 7-year old spokesperson Matthew Janson, emphasizing that although he and his fellow cousins are now a year older, they would continue last year’s successful initiative of clutching tightly to whoever is standing next to them beginning in the haunted house’s first room. “Furthermore, when something spooky and loud unexpectedly jumps out at us, we will spend a brief moment wide-eyed and in total silence, but we will then proceed to cry for several minutes. We will cry loudly—I can’t emphasize that enough. Thereafter, we intend to bury our faces and whimper into the shirt of the nearest family member for most of the remainder of the attraction.” Janson noted, however, that the nation’s younger cousins hadn’t ruled out avoiding the situation altogether by opting to wait with their aunts outside the haunted houses and look at the jack-o’-lanterns until everyone else came back out.
New ‘Anti-Facebook’ Social Network Ello Boasts Lack Of Ads #~# A new social networking site called Ello, which has been labeled the “anti-Facebook,” is drawing more users by boasting a “simple, beautiful, and ad-free” interface with no targeted advertisements and no data mining. What do you think?
Heineken Reminds NFL Executives They Would Be Pretty Forgiving Corporate Sponsor #~# WHITE PLAINS, NY—Repeatedly stressing that they are an incredibly loyal and understanding brand partner, officials from Heineken reportedly reminded top NFL executives Friday that the international beer company would be a pretty forgiving corporate sponsor. “We just wanted to put it out there that we’re not quick to judge, and we certainly wouldn’t jump ship at the first sign of trouble,” said Heineken chief marketing officer Nuno Teles, adding that a corporate sponsor’s role is solely to pay money in exchange for publicity, not to go around pointing fingers and telling another organization how to handle their business. “Every company runs into problems from time to time, and we totally get that. If we did have an issue with the league in any respect, I can guarantee that we’d discuss it behind closed doors with the appropriate NFL representatives. One thing we would absolutely never do is go public with any such issue, that’s for sure.” Teles went on to suggest that accepting a new, slightly cheaper offer for an exclusive multiyear sponsorship deal may actually make sense for the NFL in some cases, especially when a current partner has proven to be more trouble than they’re worth.
Pros And Cons Of Never Getting Married #~# A new report by the Pew Research Center predicts that as many as one in four millennials will never get married, in part because they aren’t as financially stable and in part because they don’t regard marriage as highly as did their parents’ generation. Here are some pros and cons of never getting married:
Tense Party Enters Third Hour Of Unplayed Acoustic Guitar Leaning Against Wall #~# EUGENE, OR—The tension at a party hosted by area man Chad Kopp was reportedly increasing by the minute Friday as attendees continued to glance uneasily at an acoustic guitar leaning against the living room wall for the third straight hour. “Yeah, Chad’s got a really cool place,” Kopp’s friend Eric Morehouse said to a small cluster of fellow guests, all of whom furtively eyed the guitar for any indication whatsoever that someone might pick it up and launch into a popular song, or an unknown riff they might later reveal as “just something [they’d] been working on.” “It’s much bigger than his old apartment, that’s for sure.” At press time, a full-blown panic was narrowly avoided when a party guest walking toward the guitar continued on to the bedroom to retrieve his jacket.
Man Watches 5 Innings Of Game On Concession Stand’s TV Monitor #~# BOSTON—While attending Thursday night’s matchup between the Boston Red Sox and Tampa Bay Rays at Fenway Park, local man Peter Lancaster, 52, reportedly ended up watching a total of five innings of the game on television monitors set up at the stadium’s concession stand. After leaving his seat to purchase a beer and a hot dog halfway through the first inning, sources confirmed that Lancaster spent the next several innings staring upward to watch the game on an assortment of mounted 19-inch monitors while slowly progressing through the winding concession lines. According to reports, Lancaster viewed the game without audio throughout this period, with the roar of the stadium crowd cueing him into an imminent big play due to the monitors’ two-second broadcast delay. Sources also confirmed that during a later trip to the same concession stand in the 7th inning, having bought an additional beer and a helmet sundae, Lancaster stood in the stadium corridor watching multiple at-bats on the television before finally rejoining his friends at their seats for the remainder of the game.
Report: Americans Throw Out More Food Than Plastic, Paper, Metal, Or Glass #~# According to a new report by the EPA, American consumers and businesses together throw out 35 million tons of food per year, more than plastic, paper, metal, or glass. What do you think?
BREAKING: This Is Section 208, We’re Supposed To Be In 209 #~# SECTION 208—Having spent the entire first inning wandering up and down the aisles, sources just confirmed that this is section 208, and, wait, we’re actually supposed to be in section 209.
Frozen Tundra Of Emptiness Stretching Out Forever And Ever Weighed Against Date With Mike4763 #~# PORTLAND, OR—While perusing the potential partners she was assigned by the dating website’s algorithm Thursday, Match.com member Christine Arlington reportedly weighed the bleak, barren tundra of isolation extending endlessly before her against going on a date with Mike4763. “I can’t say our taste in movies or books matches up that well, but it looks like he has an okay job and he says he likes traveling,” said Arlington as she cycled through the man’s four profile pictures, considering the prospect of meeting the self-described “laid-back guy” for dinner against the awaiting infinitude of cold emptiness from which there could be no escape. “He likes the outdoors, too. He seems nice.” At press time, Arlington was pausing to rethink whether she should click on the site’s “Wink” feature or eventually be interred unloved and unmourned in the frozen, gray earth.
Derek Jeter: ‘I Will Never Enter This Part Of The City Again’ #~# NEW YORK—Citing a litany of reasons ranging from the neighborhood’s high crime rate to the soul-crushing sight of its urban decay, retiring Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter concluded his farewell speech Thursday evening by informing the sellout home crowd that he will never step foot in the Bronx again. “I would like you all to know that this borough is an absolute shithole, and there’s no way in hell I’m coming back,” said the 14-time All-Star, adding that he cannot fathom why anyone would ever willingly spend time in the Bronx if they were not a professional baseball player contractually obligated to do so. “Unless you’re holding Derek Jeter Day, I can pretty much guarantee you’ll never see me above 125th Street. I still can’t believe you people walk around this place at night without a security detail. I mean, The House That Ruth Built should have been built in fucking Manhattan.” Jeter then told the 50,000 completely silent spectators that, at the very least, he will always remain thankful that he didn’t have to play in Flushing, Queens.
Yankees Unveil Beautiful Derek Jeter Cage In Monument Park #~# NEW YORK—In a special ceremony Thursday before his final game in New York, the Yankees officially unveiled an exquisite cage for Derek Jeter in Monument Park as a tribute to the team’s beloved longtime shortstop. “Derek was such a pivotal part of our ball club’s recent success, and this wonderful, permanent display is a fantastic way to honor his career and legacy,” Yankees manager Joe Girardi said of the new exhibit, which features a mounted bronze plaque listing Jeter’s career highlights and accolades directly below the locked 5-by-7-foot stainless steel enclosure where the future Hall of Famer will be confined 24 hours a day. “Even if they never saw him play in person, Yankees fans from around the world now will have the chance to visit Monument Park and truly appreciate one of the greatest-ever players to wear the pinstripes. Alongside monuments to fellow legends like Ruth, Mantle, and DiMaggio, Derek’s honorary cage is right where it belongs.” Girardi went on to confirm that the Jeter cage will be open to the public before every home game, and that visitors are more than welcome to take pictures in front of the exhibit.
Obama Informs Nation Anarchy Will Reign During Search For New Attorney General #~# WASHINGTON—Following news that Eric Holder plans to step down from office, President Barack Obama addressed Americans this afternoon to announce that anarchy and violent chaos will reign during the search for a new Attorney General.
Fans Angered As Epcot Replaces Classic Ride With ‘Frozen’ Attraction #~# Fans of the Maelstrom, a ride at Disney World’s Epcot theme park that showcases the culture of Norway with polar bears, waterfalls, and trolls, were angered this week after park officials announced plans to replace the classic attraction with a ride based on the film Frozen. What do you think?
Senator Trying To Make Long-Distance Relationship Work With Constituency Back Home #~# WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that the separation can sometimes be overwhelming, Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL) told reporters Friday that he is doing everything he can to maintain his long-distance relationship with his constituency back home. “It’s definitely a challenge being apart so often, but there’s really no other option with my current job,” Nelson told reporters, adding that he can only visit Florida voters once or twice a month, usually taking the last flight out of Washington Friday night after work, only to turn around and fly back late Sunday night. “Email helps, but sometimes my constituency can get pretty needy. And I’m not always able to respond, which makes me feel guilty. I wish things were as easy for me as they are for [Maryland Sen. Ben] Cardin. He just drives up and hangs out with his voters pretty much anytime he wants.” Nelson later admitted that because he barely saw his constituency anymore, he had fooled around with lobbying firms on several occasions.
Area Man Experimented With Sex Back In College #~# CHICAGO—Saying it was a time in his life when he was more open to testing his boundaries, 28-year-old Stephen McCall told reporters Thursday that he had experimented with sex back in college. “Yeah, I tried it back in school, but that’s just what being at college is for, you know?” said McCall, adding that though he had dabbled in sex during his four years at Illinois State University, he never took it all that seriously and has not engaged in it since. “Of course, eventually I got older and found that sex wasn’t for me. But even though sex was just a phase that ended at graduation, I don’t regret exploring in the least.” McCall went on to say that pretty much everyone he knew had experimented with sex at least a little and that anyone who denied it was probably lying.
Nation Admits It Could Probably Be Talked Into Another War #~# WASHINGTON—While they acknowledged that getting behind such a plan might take a little convincing, the American populace admitted this week that they could, in all likelihood, be talked into another war.
‘Food-Shaming’ Fork Vibrates When Users Don’t Pause Between Bites #~# A new electronic “smart fork” called the HAPIfork aims to help users lose weight by vibrating if they don’t space out their bites by 10 seconds or more, which some have called a form of “food shaming.” What do you think?
Tollbooth Attendant Wishes Just One High-Speed Chase Would Crash Through Entry Bar #~# FRAMINGHAM, MA—Saying that it’s something he finds himself thinking about regularly, local tollbooth attendant Bruce Daley told reporters Friday he would just once like to see a fleeing criminal smash a vehicle through one of his toll plaza’s lowered traffic barriers at full speed. “I’m not a demanding guy, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a front-row seat as some guy blasted through the gate followed by four state troopers in hot pursuit,” said Daley, lamenting that in his 17 years manning a tollbooth on the westbound Massachusetts Turnpike, he hadn’t even witnessed anyone so much as bump the metal bar, let alone tear through it going 90 miles per hour. “If he was driving fast enough with a big enough car, he’d probably rip the thing right off its hinges and send it flying dozens of feet into the air. I don’t think seeing that up close is too much to ask.” Daley added that he would be pretty upset if the scenario ended up playing out in an adjacent toll lane and not his own.
Obama Faces Backlash For ‘Beverage Salute’ #~# President Obama faced backlash on Twitter after stepping out of Air Force One yesterday and saluting Marines with a Styrofoam cup in his right hand when his arms were full, which many have called disrespectful. What do you think?
Parents Considering Second Child So Daughter Can Have Someone To Grow Apart From #~# PORTSMOUTH, NH—Saying they did not want her to miss out on the experiences of a sibling relationship, local parents Cathleen and Eric Patterson told reporters Wednesday they are considering having a second child to give their daughter someone to grow apart from over time. “Recently, we’ve been thinking it would be nice for Emily to have a little brother or sister who she can gradually lose contact with over the next few decades and eventually barely speak with at all,” said Cathleen Patterson, adding that the couple wanted to make sure their child would have a sibling she could come to depend on for a few minutes of strained small talk at an annual holiday dinner or a halfhearted Facebook message sent several days after her birthday. “We’ll be gone someday, so we want Emily to have another family member who she can count on to reluctantly call her once every few months and suggest that they should get together at some point, but never follow through. I don’t want to deny her those kinds of memories.” The Pattersons added that if they decided against having another child, their daughter would still have numerous opportunities to become bitterly alienated from both of them.
What Mom Would Have Wanted Evolving Over Course Of Funeral Planning #~# NAMPA, ID—From the photos she would have wanted displayed beside her casket to the song the organist should play as mourners arrive, the posthumous wishes of Evelyn Palantz have changed markedly during the planning of her funeral, sources reported Wednesday. “We’ll take three bouquets of white roses—wait, no, the lilies. Mom liked those too,” Palantz’s son Derek reportedly told a local florist after earlier switching up the food that would be served at the wake from their mom’s favorite homemade lasagna to several pre-made platters from the local grocery store, since he and his siblings agreed their mother would have wanted enough food options on hand so that everyone could have something they liked. “How long will that take to put together? You know what, never mind, let’s just go with daisies if those are the quickest. Mom wouldn’t have wanted anything too extravagant anyway.” At press time, the relative tapped to deliver Palantz’s eulogy had shifted from Aunt Gina, to Aunt Evelyn, to Uncle Mark.
Sources: NFL Knew What Evil Lurking Within Heart Of Man #~# NEW YORK—Amidst reports that high-level executives lied to the public in order to cover up their complicity in a number of scandals currently plaguing the league, sources confirmed Wednesday that officials in the NFL front office have long been aware of what evil lurks deep within the heart of man. “Several key figures within the organization definitely knew about the frigid depths of the soul, its underlying and cascading darkness, far earlier than they are claiming,” said one source with knowledge of the situation, alleging that detailed information on human nature’s immutable wickedness was available to the league for months, if not years. “It’s difficult to pinpoint the timeline of exactly who knew what and when, but it’s clear that the NFL was fully informed of the vile cloud of sinfulness that shrouds each and every one of us, leaving a foul sickness infecting the very essence of humanity itself.” Additional reports confirmed that league commissioner Roger Goodell was also knowledgeable of the vile perversion constantly lingering just beneath the surface of all people, having reportedly glimpsed the sickening visage of mankind in his own reflection sometime in late February.
Man Given 3 Months To Live Throws In One Or Two Non-Sexual Things To Do #~# MILFORD, DE—Informed by doctors that he suffers from a terminal form of cancer and has only 12 weeks to live, local man Stephen Hewitt told reporters Wednesday that he plans to toss one or two non-sexual activities onto his list of things to do before he dies. “I could probably make room for a day trip to the Grand Canyon or maybe squeeze in a World Series game, but it’ll be tough to do much more than that,” said the man who will otherwise be spending the remainder of his life gratifying every single sexual desire he has ever had. “I mean, I’d love to go to the Great Wall of China, but I’ve got a really packed schedule as it is. I’ll have to make some tough decisions.” Hewitt suggested that he could check multiple items off his bucket list if he found someone who would lick his balls while skydiving.
Woman Worried Student Loans Could Prevent Her From One Day Owning Entirely Different Kind Of Crippling Debt #~# PHILADELPHIA—Lamenting that she will spend the foreseeable future paying off her college expenses, local 23-year-old digital marketing assistant Ashley Orlinsky expressed concern Wednesday that her student loans will prevent her from ever owning an entirely different type of utterly crippling debt. “Realistically, it’ll take years or even decades to fully repay $50,000 of loans, which makes me worried that I’ll never qualify for a backbreaking mortgage on a house that I can in no way afford,” said Orlinsky, adding that with $350 in monthly student loan payments, she will likely struggle to even borrow money to purchase a new car that will destroy her credit rating and may one day be repossessed by the bank. “I have dreams of starting my own company at some point in the future, but I just don’t see how I’ll have the opportunity to be saddled for my entire adult life with a suffocating high-interest small business loan if my student debt is following me wherever I go. It’s awful.” Orlinsky was reportedly encouraged, however, after coming to the mistaken conclusion that she could just default on her student loans and have them discharged in a bankruptcy filing.
Man Stuck In Dead-End Body #~# SAN MATEO, CA—Saying this was not at all how he had pictured himself at age 42, local resident Jonathan Cooper confirmed Wednesday that he has nonetheless found himself, in his middle age, stuck in a dead-end body.
New Cuddlr App Helps Strangers Meet For ‘Platonic Cuddling’ #~# A new smartphone app called Cuddlr uses GPS technology to help users find people in the nearby area who would like to meet up for “platonic cuddling.” What do you think?
House Cat Announces Plans To Just Sit There For 46 Minutes #~# PARSIPPANY, NJ—Addressing reporters from the living room floor Wednesday, local house cat Tabitha announced her plans to sit completely motionless in the same spot for the next 46 minutes. “After carefully considering my options, I have decided to sit down right here and not move for the next three quarters of an hour,” the American Shorthair informed reporters, adding that she intended to stare directly forward for the majority of the period. “Of course, I’m not ruling out any potential minor adjustments to this plan. I might, for instance, momentarily break from this position to stretch, roll onto my side, lick myself, or crane my neck into the path of a sunbeam, after which I will promptly return to my current arrangement. One thing is certain, however: Precisely 46 minutes from now, apropos of absolutely nothing, I will leap from my seated position and bolt out of the room, as if responding to an urgent matter that needs my attention. That I can assure you.” At press time, Tabitha was forced to radically alter her agenda and make an immediate exit when her owner entered the living room and attempted to show affection toward her.
Alaska Reporter Quits On Air To Become Cannabis Campaigner #~# After announcing, “Fuck it, I quit,” Anchorage local news reporter Charlo Greene left her job on air Sunday night to campaign full-time for the legalization of recreational marijuana in Alaska. What do you think?
Pop-Tarts Turn 50 #~# This week marks the 50th anniversary of the invention of Pop-Tarts, Kellogg’s popular toaster breakfast pastries. What do you think?
It’s Just My Luck To Lose Thousands At The Blackjack Tables Every Night For The Past Few Weeks #~# I’ll tell ya, Lady Luck is one harsh mistress. One minute you’re up, the next you’re down, the next you’re down even more—there’s absolutely no logic to it. You can be riding high, getting comped left and right, and lose it all in an instant, then face rapidly mounting losses for days on end. That’s why, after blowing thousands upon thousands of dollars at blackjack every single night for the past month, all I can do is shrug my shoulders, chuckle to myself, and say, “Well, ain’t that just my luck.”
NASA Administrator Resigns After Leak Of Offensive Anti-Moon Email #~# HOUSTON—Saying he deeply regretted his “thoughtless and insensitive” comments, NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced his resignation as head of the nation’s space agency Tuesday following the disclosure of an email in which he made a number of disparaging statements about the moon.
Too Late Now To Switch From Checkout Line With Talkative Cashier #~# BLOOMINGTON, MN—Cursing silently to himself upon realizing that the cashier in his lane was engaging in conversation with every patron, local Trader Joe’s shopper Dan Wetzel confirmed Tuesday that it was now too late for him to switch to another line manned by a less outgoing employee. “Oh, no,” said Wetzel, who reportedly looked around in momentary panic after overhearing the clerk cheerily ask a pair of customers about their recent weekend activities, only to find that several people had filed into line behind him and that the window to slide over to an adjacent lane had long since closed. “Ugh, goddammit.” At press time, Wetzel had forced a half-smile to his face and braced himself as the store employee began making chipper inquiries about the meal Wetzel was planning to make with the items he was offloading from his basket to the counter.
Senator To Try Submitting Rejected Bill To Canadian Parliament #~# WASHINGTON—Disappointed after a bill he had been working on for years failed to advance through Congress, Sen. Edward J. Markey (D-MA) informed reporters Tuesday that he had decided to submit his rejected legislation to the Canadian Parliament. “Obviously, it’s not my first-choice legislative body, but they’re still a pretty good group of lawmakers and I’d be proud to have them approve my resolution,” said Markey, who admitted that his bill would affect fewer people if passed in Ottawa, but “at least [he’d] be getting it out there.” “It’s a legitimate, respectable governmental branch, and I’d rather see this bill become law in Canada than have it just sit here, unenacted, in my desk drawer. To be honest, trying to get this thing onto the floor of the U.S. Senate probably wasn’t a very realistic goal in the first place.” At press time, sources reported the senator was trimming down several long provisions in the bill and giving it a splashier title in hopes that the Texas state legislature might vote it into law.
Report: You’re Actually Saving Money With Roller Rink Membership #~# FRANKLIN, IN—Explaining that you would earn all your money back by attending just three Rock ‘N’ Roll Blackout nights, a report released this week by the Franklin Skate Center confirmed that you’re actually saving yourself money by purchasing an annual membership. “While the $55 membership package appears expensive at first, once discounted entry, priority parking, and a subscription to the rink’s monthly newsletter, Spin, are factored in, the annual pass makes far more monetary sense than paying $20 per visit,” the report read in part, adding that all new members also receive free premium laces from the WonderWheels Pro Shop, a $10 value on their own. “And these calculations don’t even take into account the complimentary knee and elbow pad rentals and half-off glow-in-the-dark jewelry for members. Therefore, it is our conclusion that this is the best roller rink value in the Central Indiana area.” The report went on to state that for only $10 extra, the Ultimate VIP Package includes a free large cheese pizza on your birthday and $15 in game room tokens.
Mars Maven Begins Mission To Take Thousands Of High-Resolution Desktop Backgrounds #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming that the probe successfully entered orbit around Mars late Sunday night, NASA officials reported today that the Maven spacecraft was now set to begin its mission of taking thousands of high-resolution computer backgrounds. “In its first year alone, the Maven probe will capture several hundred crisp desktop wallpapers of the Martian landscape in previously unattainable detail,” said NASA scientist Bruce Jakosky, noting that the space probe’s sophisticated instruments would ensure the backgrounds were in resolutions up to 1920x1200 and large enough to span two side-by-side monitors. “Maven has already taken preliminary images of the Bonneville crater, and we can confirm they look absolutely beautiful under a grid of desktop icons or protruding from the edges of a browser window.” According to Jakosky, after collecting enough computer backgrounds, researchers hoped to extend Maven’s mission and begin capturing images for a comprehensive Mars screensaver before the probe exhausts its fuel and crashes into the Martian surface.
Obama Sleeping With Louisville Slugger Under Bed Now #~# WASHINGTON—Following the latest security breach at the White House over the weekend, President Obama told reporters Monday that he is taking extra safety precautions by now sleeping with a Louisville Slugger under his bed. “We live in a dangerous world, and it’s important to be prepared to protect your family,” said the president, referring to the 32-ounce wooden baseball bat he recently retrieved from the White House basement. “If I hear anybody trying to break in, it’s a relief to know that I can just reach under the bed and give them a reason to think twice about ever coming back into my house. I know Michelle sleeps a lot more easily now that I’ve got this piece of lumber by my side.” While Obama said he hopes to never use the weapon, he admitted he received a scare Sunday night when he tiptoed downstairs after hearing a noise in the Red Room and nearly took a swing at Energy Secretary Ernest Moniz.
400,000 Protesters Turn Out For People’s Climate March In NYC #~# More than 400,000 people, including Ban Ki-moon, Al Gore, and Leonardo DiCaprio, gathered in New York City on Sunday for the People’s Climate March, which was held to urge U.N. members to take action on climate change. What do you think?
7.1 Billion Demonstrate In Favor Of Global Warming #~# NEW YORK—In an overwhelming show of support for dangerously escalating temperatures, 7.1 billion people from nearly every nation on earth staged massive demonstrations yesterday in favor of global warming. “Whether they were sitting in their living rooms, watching football at a bar, or just driving somewhere, a sizable portion of the world let its support for climate change be heard loud and clear,” said environmental policy expert Janet Purvis, adding that the protest that began in the morning never lost steam at any point throughout the day. “This should serve as a wake-up call to officials around the world that the factors contributing to global warming are real, important, and must be protected at any cost.” At press time, the 7.1 billion protesters were reportedly making plans to stage similar rallies every day for the foreseeable future.
NFL Week Three Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the third week of the NFL season:
Man Has Pretty Good Idea Which Friend Going To Give Up On Dream First #~# ST. LOUIS—Saying he has a pretty good hunch about how much more rejection and fatigue each of his friends can withstand, local man Eric Mueller, 27, told reporters Monday that he can tell which one will be the first to abandon his dream. “My buddy John [Herrera] is a great musician, but I can just hear it in his voice whenever we talk that he only has a few more months left in him before he falls back on his marketing degree,” Mueller said, noting the amateur singer-songwriter’s insistence on living in a one-bedroom apartment in the hippest part of town pretty much guaranteed he would turn his back on his life’s passion within the next year. “After him, though, it gets a little tougher to say. There’s my old roommate Tom [Halverstadt], who’s clearly getting fed up with rejections from book publishers, and my friend Caleb [Larsen], who just wouldn’t be able to handle being part of a second failed startup. They’re both definitely going to give up on the one thing they truly love doing, but between the two of them, it’s too close to call.” Mueller then assured reporters that despite only a handful of sales in the past several years and having to pay $240 a month out of pocket for health insurance on top of his rent, he was in the indie comic book business for the long haul.
U.S. Still Enjoying Small But Loyal Following #~# WASHINGTON—While the nation’s mainstream popularity has largely diminished in recent years, sources confirmed this week that the United States still retains a passionate fan base composed of a few extremely dedicated followers. “America does not enjoy the same kind of relevance or widespread acclaim it used to, but there are still a few holdout devotees who closely follow whatever the country does,” sociologist Sophie Kellerman said, adding that those individuals “who are still into America are really into America.” “There isn’t a whole lot of international appeal anymore, and many former enthusiasts have been disappointed by the country’s more recent choices and overall direction. However, there’s a certain niche group that seems to remain die-hard fans no matter what.” Kellerman added that while it’s too late for the United States to go out on top, it could still salvage some of its former glory and end its run on a high note.
Poll: 90% Of Americans Say Domestic Abuse Revelations Haven’t Changed How Much Football They Watch #~# According to a new NBC News poll, 90 percent of Americans, including six in 10 people who describe themselves as football fans, say that the recent revelations about how the NFL handles domestic violence haven’t changed how much football they watch. What do you think?
Tips For Paying For College #~# While many students take out federal or private loans to pay for college, the costs of tuition, fees, and room and board still leave many people struggling to finance their education. Here are some tips for paying for college and graduating debt-free:
Report: Women Getting ‘Boot Bulge’ Liposuction To Fit Into Fall Boots #~# According to ABC News, plastic surgeons are reporting an increase in women asking for surgery to fix “boot bulge,” or the inability to fit legs into knee-high boots, which involves sucking away fat from the calves. What do you think?
Police Satisfied After Drunk Man Assures Them There’s No Problem #~# SAN DIEGO—After stopping to question a visibly inebriated man who was seen stumbling on the sidewalk outside a local bar, police officers confirmed they were satisfied Saturday night once the individual assured them there was no problem. “Just before midnight we encountered an intoxicated male in his 30s who was shouting loudly, slurring his words, and propping himself up against a mailbox; however, after he informed us he was ‘totally good,’ we determined that no further action was needed,” officer Jack Bara said, adding that the man further confirmed the situation was under control by giving them a thumbs-up. “Once he steadied himself and reiterated that he was fine nine times in a row, we realized there was indeed no issue and moved along.” The officers stated that they waved the man’s car through a traffic stop roughly a half hour later, noting that the individual had earlier attested that he was “great 100 percent.”
Report: More Children Being Raised With Religion Of Pushier Parent #~# WASHINGTON—According to a Pew Research Center study of American families published this week, more children in the United States are being raised with the religion of their pushier parent. “Interfaith couples have become increasingly common nationwide in recent decades, and as a result, we’re seeing more and more kids growing up practicing the faith of the parent who’s more aggressive and overbearing,” said researcher James Gammon, citing the rising number of dual-faith households in which children celebrate the holidays, traditions, and rites of passage of the parent who consistently drowns the other one out. “The traditional narrative is that couples with common beliefs would get married and raise kids in their shared religion. But nowadays, many Americans are pairing with someone of a different spiritual background, undermining their partner’s religious beliefs by saying, ‘You stopped going to church’ or, ‘The kids will feel alienated in your faith,’ and making the whole family attend their preferred place of worship.” In addition, Gammon noted that a growing number of families aren’t raising children in any faith at all due to the uncompromising refusal of one parent who thinks all religion is pointless.
Fantasy Football Week 3: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
Ugly Custody Battle Over Ian McKellen Narrowly Avoided #~# EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Following Scotland’s referendum Thursday rejecting independence from the United Kingdom, sources confirmed that a protracted and ugly custody battle over celebrated actor Sir Ian McKellen had been narrowly avoided. “In addition to preventing the potentially painful political and economic shocks of secession, yesterday’s vote averted what was certain to be a bitter, messy, and drawn-out struggle between England and Scotland over which people have rightful claim to Ian McKellen and can count his impressive film and theater legacy as a source of national pride,” said political analyst Stephen Murray, noting that the 75-year-old, Lancashire-born actor of Scottish descent is regarded by both countries as a national treasure and would be defended bitterly in any custody dispute. “When you consider the classically trained thespian’s résumé—The Royal Shakespeare Company, The Lord Of The Rings, his Tony Award-winning turn in Amadeus, Richard III—you can see just how valuable he is to both countries. Thankfully, Sir Ian will remain a jointly British source of pride, and the region will avoid a very nasty international incident.” Murray noted that the vote was not without negative repercussions, however, as the decision to remain united meant that neither nation would be able to foist Gordon Ramsay on the other.
Survey: 10% Of Americans Have Gone To Work High #~# According to a new survey conducted for the website Mashable, nearly 10 percent of Americans have gone to work at least once under the influence of marijuana. What do you think?
Report: Many U.S. Schools Can’t Afford Mannequins, Human Urine For Art Classes #~# WASHINGTON—Faced with increasingly tight budgets, a growing number of U.S. schools no longer have the resources necessary to provide art classes with enough mannequins and human urine for each student, a report from the Education Policy Research Institute confirmed Friday.
Johnson & Johnson Hoping Brand Won’t Be Tarnished If They Dip Into Lethal Injection Game #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Saying that the company could cash in big time on the opportunity, Johnson & Johnson CEO Alex Gorsky expressed his hope to reporters Friday that the pharmaceutical manufacturer’s family-friendly image would not be tarnished if it dipped into the lethal injection game. “Johnson & Johnson has been a respected household name for over 100 years, so I like to think that we wouldn’t blemish our reputation too much if we just set up some innocuous subsidiary and started slinging a little sodium thiopental and pancuronium bromide on the side,” said Gorsky, who suggested that simultaneously launching a new No More Tears ad campaign featuring an adorable infant would probably bolster its image enough to withstand any blowback over getting a little taste of the lethal injection action. “It would be such a small part of our business anyway, so I doubt people would even notice if we were shipping truckloads of chemicals to execution chambers all over the country. Honestly, name the last company that made lethal injection drugs. You can’t, right?” At press time, Gorsky was reportedly meeting with Johnson & Johnson’s board of directors to discuss the feasibility of converting part of the factory where they manufacture baby lotion to produce pentobarbital.
Obama Tweets To Scotland: Stay United With U.K. #~# On the eve of Scotland’s historic vote to decide whether to remain part of the United Kingdom or secede, President Obama tweeted that he hopes the two remain united, saying that the U.K. is “an extraordinary partner for America and a force for good in an unstable world.” What do you think?
Artifacts Discovered Buried In Washington D.C. Suggest Humans Once Passed Laws There #~# WASHINGTON—In a significant discovery that sheds new light on the region’s history, archaeologists excavating a site on Capitol Hill reportedly unearthed evidence this week suggesting that humans once passed laws there.
British Empire To Be Reduced To 8 Acres Around Buckingham Palace By 2050 #~# LONDON—Projecting from the rate of territorial decline over the last two centuries, experts predicted Thursday that the British Empire will be reduced to an area of eight acres surrounding Buckingham Palace by as early as 2050. “Considering the loss of its colonial possessions around the world over the years, as well as Scotland’s current independence campaign, we project that the once vast and mighty British Empire will soon reach only a few hundred feet beyond the property lines of the royal palace,” said Oxford University political science professor Patrick Withers, adding that within 35 years, the sum total of British-held territory will likely extend from Upper Belgrave St. a few blocks west of Buckingham Palace to just a small fraction of St. James’s Park to the east. “According to even the most generous estimates, the England of 2050 will no longer include the British Museum, most of the River Thames, or the Houses of Parliament, which will present extraordinary difficulties in governance and sustaining British identity at all.” Withers went on to say that within 100 years, the British Empire may be reduced to the Queen’s throne room and part of the hallway outside.
Report: Mom and Dad’s House Starting To Smell Like Grandma And Grandpa’s House #~# SYRACUSE, NY—Detecting the scent upon arriving at his childhood home for a brief weekend visit, Connor Gilmore, 29, confirmed to reporters Friday that his mother and father’s four-bedroom split-level has begun to take on the unmistakable smell of his grandparents’ house. “As soon as I stepped in the door, it hit me—it was just like walking into Nana and Bumpa’s townhouse in Binghamton,” said Gilmore, who described the familiar aroma pervading his parents’ residence as “like, some damp cardboard and old leather with sawdust sprinkled over it,” which he could only assume his parents no longer noticed due to noseblindness, or they surely would have taken steps to address such a distinct and recognizable odor. “I swear, it was almost as if Nana and Bumpa were sitting right there in the living room. And it’s everywhere, too; you can’t get away from it in any room. This must be why Mom’s book club stopped coming over. God, I hope it’s not on my clothes.” At press time, Gilmore was out on the back deck getting some fresh air after the scent of his mother making egg salad had completed the eerily similar olfactory tableau.
Family Members Of NFL Players Desperately Call For More Overseas Games #~# NEW YORK—As the league’s popularity continues to grow outside the United States, sources confirmed Thursday that family members of many NFL players have desperately called for an increasing number of games held overseas. “The international market is huge, so it just makes sense to set up additional regular-season matchups in countries thousands and thousands of miles away,” the visibly nervous wife of one prominent NFL star said while speaking on condition of anonymity, adding that because the league stages multiple sold-out games at London’s Wembley Stadium every year, there is no reason her husband’s entire season couldn’t be based in England. “This is a great opportunity to expand the league’s influence and grow the sport among foreign fans who’ve never seen a game in person. They could even move a whole NFL franchise abroad so players would be based in another country for most of the year, and then there would be more opportunities to hold games in Europe, Africa, or Asia. Please, I’m begging you.” Reached for further comment, many NFL players’ family members frantically insisted that, should professional football continue to spread globally, games could very soon take place in such countries as North Korea, Ukraine, and Iraq.
F. Scott Fitzgerald Estate Wondering Why The Hell Ken Burns Hasn’t Come Knocking Yet #~# NEW YORK—Saying that the story of one of America’s greatest novelists was “just sitting there begging to be told,” representatives from the estate of F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald openly asked Thursday why the hell documentarian Ken Burns had not come knocking yet. “F. Scott Fitzgerald defined the Jazz Age era of excess and romance with his writing, so I think it’s fair to question why Ken Burns hasn’t shown his face anywhere near our robust archives,” said estate representative Phyllis Westberg, adding that the filmmaker would have so much access to the handwritten journals, original novel manuscripts, and historical photographs of F. Scott, Zelda, and fellow expatriates at the Café Montparnasse that he could “crank out a fucking amazing six-part miniseries event” in a single visit. “Maybe you call it The Lost Generation, and focus on him, Hemingway, and Faulkner rising to prominence together. Or you make it all about F. Scott himself, and really go into detail about his time at Princeton, the Hollywood years, his tragic decline into alcoholism. Christ, I just wrote the whole goddamn thing for that oblivious little twerp.” At press time, Westberg added that if Burns could find a way to do a documentary on Mark Twain, he sure as shit could make some time for the man who wrote The Great Gatsby.
Man Visiting Hometown Amazed To Find All His Childhood Insecurities Still There #~# MANSFIELD, OH—While walking through his old neighborhood, Mansfield, OH, native Peter Grogan, 37, was reportedly surprised Thursday to find that each and every one of his childhood insecurities remains in his hometown. “I was heading down Marion Avenue, where Jeff Bilderman used to pick on me every day, and noticed that my old anxieties, fears, and constant sense of shame are all still here,” Grogan told reporters, marveling that the dozens of uncertainties that plagued him throughout his adolescent and teenage years were still thriving exactly where he left them. “I haven’t been back for long, but it doesn’t seem like my timidity and self-doubt have changed even a bit. And it looks like my feelings of inadequacy are still going strong, judging by the fears of rejection that came flooding back when I walked past my old high school. It’s all exactly the same as it was almost 20 years ago.” Grogan added that the one difference he could identify was that walking through his hometown now fills him with newly established insecurities regarding his financial situation, relationship with his parents, and own impending mortality.
Many Pediatricians Avoiding Talking To Teens About Sex #~# According to a new study, only 20 percent of teenagers’ pediatricians asked them about their sexual history during checkups, which may be due in part to physicians’ lack of preparedness for talking about sexual issues with teens. What do you think?
Encouragement Of Family, Friends Motivating Man To Keep Struggling Indefinitely #~# BURLINGTON, VT—Inspired by the steadfast support of family and friends, local unpublished writer Steven Franklin is motivated to continue struggling desperately for the foreseeable future, sources close to the 32-year-old confirmed Wednesday. “I’m blessed to have such understanding and enthusiastic people in my life who keep pushing me,” said Franklin, who would have given up on fruitlessly plugging away at his novel and gone to law school years ago if not for the unending encouragement of his parents, siblings, and friends. “They always cheered me on when I was a kid, and their confidence in me hasn’t let up a bit. As long as they keep inspiring me to never quit, I’ll have all the motivation I need [to stay focused on this pointless, all-consuming endeavor with absolutely no end in sight].” While Franklin said that he appreciated the support of his family and friends, he reportedly ignores their opinions on the girlfriend he should have broken up with years ago.
Study: Liberals, Conservatives Smell Different #~# According to new research, people with liberal political affiliations and people with conservative views have slightly different body odors, which may make people with similar political viewpoints more attractive to each other. What do you think?
How Public Schools Spend Taxpayer Money #~# Public school districts in the United States receive billions of taxpayer dollars in state and federal funding every year to pay for teacher salaries, school bus transportation, building maintenance, counseling services, and more. Here’s a dollar-by-dollar breakdown of how schools spend funding for each school year:
Highly Touted Terrorist Prospect Weighing Multiple Recruitment Offers #~# AL-BUKAMAL, SYRIA—Saying that he does not want to rush such an important life decision, highly touted terrorist prospect Mansur al-Hawrani told reporters Wednesday that he is continuing to carefully weigh recruitment offers from several radical Islamist militant groups. “I’ve heard pitches from nearly every major terror network in the world, and I’m close to narrowing the list down to my top five,” said al-Hawrani, who, as an impoverished, impressionable 19-year-old with a propensity for violence and a virulent hatred of the West, is seen by many as a future jihadist superstar. “Al-Qaeda is obviously an established institution with a long track record of success, and Boko Haram has promised to assign me to a major suicide operation as soon as I give my verbal commitment. But more and more, I think ISIS is a jihadist group that’s really on the rise, and I know I’d be in on the ground floor, helping to build something truly special. No matter what, though, I’m just blessed to have this opportunity.” Al-Hawrani added that he does not plan on announcing his final decision until visiting each of the militant groups in person and seeing how committed they are to drowning America in blood.
BREAKING: Adrian Peterson Deactivated By Family #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Following mounting allegations of child abuse against the six-time Pro Bowl running back, sources confirmed Wednesday that Minnesota Vikings star Adrian Peterson has been officially deactivated by his family. “In light of the current situation, we have decided that the best course of action is to have Adrian abstain from all family-related activities indefinitely,” read a statement from the Peterson family, which went on to say that the 29-year-old could potentially be reinstated by his wife and two children if and when he is cleared of any criminal charges. “The ban will entail that Adrian no longer take part in any family gatherings, as well as prohibits him from contact with close relatives during this time. While we sincerely hope that he can resolve his issues, we are also very confident that the Peterson family can function incredibly well in Adrian’s absence.” At press time, sources close to the situation confirmed that fellow Vikings running back Matt Asiata would be assuming all of Peterson’s fatherly duties for the foreseeable future.
More Cities Using Text-Based Alert System To Warn Americans If They Are In Range Of NFL Players #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide the general public with critical safety information in a timely manner, sources confirmed Wednesday that an increasing number of U.S. cities are now using a text-based alert system to warn Americans who are in the vicinity of an NFL player. “With this new protocol, residents will be advised via text message to take shelter, stay off roads, and exercise extreme caution if they are within close range of any professional football player,” said Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, who praised the new SMS service for delivering prompt alerts to all cellular devices in a 10-mile radius of any linebacker, running back, wide receiver, or offensive lineman. “Citizens in at-risk areas will now hopefully have ample time to take any precautionary measures for their safety and the safety of their families. These situations can arise unexpectedly and often escalate very quickly, so it is paramount to have this type of system in place to keep everyone out of harm’s way.” Reports confirmed, however, that many across the country have opted out of the feature after receiving a near-constant stream of alerts over the past several weeks.
New Health Insurance Law Lets Employers Refuse To Cover Contraceptives If They’re Morally Opposed To Women #~# WASHINGTON—Ensuring that business owners’ basic freedoms remain adequately protected, a new health insurance law passed Wednesday allows employers to refuse to pay for contraceptives if they are morally opposed to women.
History Will Be The True Judge Of My Tenure As Outback Steakhouse Shift Manager #~# When I was promoted to my current position here at Outback Steakhouse in the summer of 2011, I knew I’d face my share of challenges. It comes with the job, after all. But every time I’ve been faced with a tough decision on staffing or cleanup or our Curbside Take-Away procedure, I’ve used my best judgment and stayed true to my values, even when it meant going against popular sentiment. Because I believe history alone will be the true judge of my tenure as Outback shift manager.
Study: Fat Shaming Doesn’t Help Obese People Lose Weight #~# A new study has found that the practice of “fat shaming,” or discriminating against overweight people by giving them poor service and treating them differently, doesn’t motivate them to lose weight, but rather leads to weight gain. What do you think?
David Cameron To Scottish People: ‘I’ll Kill Myself If You Leave’ #~# LONDON—In an emotional public address this morning ahead of Thursday’s national referendum in Scotland, U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron pleaded with the Scottish people to stay and vowed that he would take his own life if the territory votes in favor of independence. “Scotland, the second you leave I will kill myself—I swear I’ll do it,” said a visibly disheveled Cameron, who spoke with a shaking voice and appeared at several points during the speech as if he was on the verge of breaking down in tears. “How can I go on living if you’re gone? If you vote yes to independence, that’s it—you can say goodbye to me right now, because I’ll be dead the next time you see me. Just look at what you’re doing to me!” At press time, Cameron was seen sobbing softly and climbing up the stairs to the top of Parliament’s Elizabeth Tower.
Fantasy Team’s Performance Only Thing Man Holding Himself Accountable For #~# LAFAYETTE, LA—Saying that he rarely takes on similar responsibility for the litany of issues in both his personal and professional life, sources close to local 31-year-old Timothy Peterson confirmed Tuesday that his fantasy football team’s performance is the only thing for which he holds himself fully accountable. “Dammit, I bench Jordy Nelson, and then he goes for 200 yards and a touchdown—I should have known he was going to torch the Jets defense,” said Peterson, who constantly makes excuses for the deterioration of relationships with past girlfriends while also accusing his company of ineptitude whenever he is passed up for a promotion at work. “And of course I started Matt Ryan over Nick Foles. I really fucked up this week.” At press time, the man who is regularly late on paying his monthly rent reportedly sent an email to the rest of his fantasy league reminding them that all roster spots must be locked in before games kick off on Sunday.
Urban Outfitters Apologizes For Red-Stained Kent State Sweatshirt #~# Clothing retailer Urban Outfitters faced tremendous backlash and subsequently apologized for briefly selling a sweatshirt featuring blood-like red splatters over insignia for Kent State University, the site of the deadly 1970 shooting of four student protesters by the National Guard. What do you think?
In Face Of Adversity, Heroic NFL Fans Continue Watching Football #~# WASHINGTON—Calling their undying commitment and grit a true inspiration, sources confirmed Tuesday that NFL fans across the nation have heroically persevered through recent adversity to continue watching football. “It is nothing short of amazing that, in spite of all they have been through, millions of courageous men and women summoned the strength to watch nearly 10 consecutive hours of football on Sunday,” said ESPN analyst Chris Mortensen, referring to the brave souls who, in the wake of such a tumultuous week, somehow soldiered on to cheer for touchdown after touchdown. “Many assumed that sitting down and watching football would simply be too much to bear, and after enduring so much, no one would have faulted them for turning off the television and calling it quits. Instead, these gallant warriors showed us the very meaning of courage by viewing the CBS doubleheader and then the primetime games on Sunday and Monday nights. If only we could all be so strong.” Mortensen added that, in the ultimate display of bravery and valor, these selfless heroes will likely do it all again next week as well.
Report: Laura’s Divorce Threatens Razor-Thin Democratic Majority In Family #~# RUCKERSVILLE, VA—Citing the recent finalization of Laura’s divorce from her husband of 12 years, sources within the Bronwyn household confirmed Tuesday that the family’s Democratic majority is now in serious jeopardy. “With Eric moving out, the stage looks to be set for a swift and decisive Republican takeover of the house,” said political analyst Jake Schumacher, calling the registered Democrat’s departure the biggest shift in the balance of power since the 2010 death of Grandpa, which ended over a decade of conservative rule at Bronwyn family gatherings. “If things continue at the current rate, we could see a complete reshaping of the family’s agenda on key issues such as taxes, the local school curriculum, and whether [Tea Party supporter] Aunt Marjorie needs to get off her high horse already.” Schumacher added that if the girls don’t come back home from college for break, the family’s Democrats could be in for a major trouncing come Thanksgiving.
Facebook Tests ‘Self-Destructing Posts’ Feature #~# Facebook officials have confirmed that they are testing a new smartphone feature allowing users to schedule “self-destructing posts” that disappear from their news feed a set time after posting, a function similar to that offered by the app Snapchat, which Facebook unsuccessfully tried to acquire last year for $3 billion. What do you think?
Reclusive Deity Hasn’t Written A New Book In 2,000 Years #~# NEW YORK—Leading writers, scholars, and publishers gathered this week at Fordham University for a literary conference and panel discussion on God, the widely praised but reclusive deity who has not published a book since His landmark debut 2,000 years ago.
Man Not Himself Until He Has So Much Coffee He Feels Like He’s Going To Die #~# VINELAND, NJ—Saying that he doesn’t function properly unless he’s completely jittery and suffering from nausea, local claims adjuster Spencer Howell told reporters Monday that he’s not his normal self until he has too many cups of coffee and feels like he could die at any second. “I’m totally useless in the morning before I’ve downed five or six cups of coffee, my forehead is drenched in sweat, and my internal organs feel like they are starting to disintegrate,” said Howell, adding that only when he’s consumed enough coffee so that his heart is pounding and at least one eyelid is twitching does he feel like he’s operating at 100 percent. “I don’t know how people who don’t consume an entire pot of coffee by themselves and begin suffering full-body tremors do it. I’m just not me until I’m plagued by painful acid reflux, excruciating headaches, and persistent concerns that I should call an ambulance immediately.” Howell also told reporters that he often has trouble socializing with his coworkers outside the office unless he drinks enough whiskey to black out for the entire night.
Majority Of Americans Back Obama’s ISIS Plan But Doubt It Will Work #~# According to a new poll by NBC News, though the majority of Americans support President Obama’s plan to take military action against the terrorist organization ISIS, they also have little confidence the plan will actually work. What do you think?
Daily Spin Class Only Thing Keeping Mom From Driving Car Full Of Kids Into Ocean #~# WALNUT CREEK, CA—Explaining that her workouts at Flywheel Sports always leave her feeling balanced and reenergized, local mother of three Karen Madison told reporters Monday that her daily spin class was the only thing keeping her from driving a car full of her children right into the Pacific Ocean. “I’m stuck in this house all day long, and I swear, if I don’t have my five o’clock spinning session, I will load the kids into the van and drive it straight off a dock,” said the 37-year-old, who added that just one hour of intense cardio with her instructor allows her to sweat away any stress that would cause her to speed her Honda through barriers along the waterfront and not stop until the vehicle was submerged under 10 feet of seawater. “I can be having the worst week, but once I’m in there spinning alongside [friends] Janet and Kathy, all my anxieties, and bad mood, and impulses to strap the boys into the backseat and plunge into a deep body of water just completely melt away. I don’t know what I’d do without those classes.” Madison added that the 30 minutes of yoga she performs each week in the family’s living room also provide her with the mental clarity she needs to not slowly poison her husband to death.
NFL Week Two Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the second week of the NFL season:
Woman Nervous Mom Starting To Use Her As Confidant #~# RENO, NV—Alarmed at the growing length and frequency of their conversations, local woman Patricia Hensley, 28, expressed concern Monday that her mother, Betty Hensley, may now consider her a trusted confidant. “I’m starting to get really worried by how much Mom is opening up to me about her estrogen treatments and asking for my opinion on relationship issues with Dad that I don’t even want to hear about, let alone pick sides on,” said Hensley of the increasing candor and intimacy of her mother’s sometimes twice-daily phone calls. “She’s been going into detail about her retirement savings, Dad’s prostate trouble, and, God help me, she’s even giving me the play-by-play on arguments she’s had with [her sister] Aunt Molly. I just hope this isn’t what it’s going to be like between us from now on.” Hensley added that if the trend continues, she’s terrified her mother might expect her to share some of her own personal information as well.
Night Of Uninterrupted Deep Sleep Really Throws Man’s Day Off #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Feeling uncommonly alert and rested, local web designer Michael Schlesinger reported Monday that his entire workday had been thrown off after receiving eight hours of undisturbed sleep. “Man, I feel completely focused and full of energy—it’s really disorienting,” said Schlesinger, adding that he had to pause and regroup himself several times this morning as his active thinking and sharpened senses allowed him to work through several tasks with unfamiliar efficiency. “My body has felt totally rejuvenated and my mind’s been so clear since the moment I got up this morning. I just have to try to deal with it and make it through the day.” Schlesinger said he planned to drink several cups of coffee in hopes of getting back to his usual distracted and edgy self.
Report: Majority Of U.S. Adults Now Single #~# According to a new report, for the first time in 30 years, more than half of all Americans age 16 and older, including unmarried people, widows, and divorcees, are single. What do you think?
Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself #~# LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself. “Dylan is preoccupied with the extremely selfish notion that he’s the sole influence on his parents’ marital problems, insisting that he could have acted better or done more to make them get along, as if he’s the only thing that matters in this situation,” said Fielder’s school guidance counselor, Sharon Thomas, adding that the boy is so narcissistic that he quickly dismissed the idea that financial and psychological factors played a role in his parents’ recent divorce and failed to even consider that the couple’s deep-seated communication issues could possibly be more important than he is. “I’ve tried to make it evident to Dylan that there’s more to his parents’ fighting and separation than just him, but frankly, he’s too self-absorbed to see anything else.” Thomas told reporters that she would not be surprised if Dylan thinks his father’s decision to give full custody to his mother completely revolved around him too.
Elderly Rite Aid Patron Stretching Out Conversation About Toothpaste To Prolong Human Contact #~# WESTBROOK, ME—Marveling aloud at how many varieties of the product were available before vocalizing his preference for “just the regular mint one,” 82-year-old Rite Aid patron Calvin Wight reportedly stretched out a conversation about toothpaste with one of the pharmacy’s employees Monday in order to prolong his contact with another human being. “Crest used to come in an aluminum tube, did you know that?” said Wight, extending what had started as a simple question about the location of the particular brand of toothpaste into several more moments of human connection with the worker, who sources confirmed muttered an occasional “Oh, yeah?” while continuing to restock a nearby display of Edge shaving gel. “I’ve always used Crest for as long as I can remember. I never could do Listerine, though. That’s always been too strong for me.” At press time, Wight was purchasing the toothpaste at the front counter, where he read the cashier’s name aloud from her name tag and then began remarking how the site occupied by the Rite Aid used to be a First Federal bank.
Patients Making Record Number Of Telehealth ‘E-Visits’ With Doctors #~# A report from consulting firm Deloitte predicted that by the end of 2014, Americans will make a record 75 million telehealth appointments, or “e-visits,” with their doctors by video chatting with physicians or emailing them pictures of their ailments in order to receive a virtual diagnosis. What do you think?
Tips For Fixing The Nation’s Education System #~# Public schools throughout the nation continue to contend with budget shortfalls and insufficient classroom resources, while U.S. test scores remain far behind those of many other developed nations. Here are measures that can be taken to fix America’s troubled education system:
Fantasy Football Week 2: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
HR Sends Out Reminder Email About Not Scrawling ‘Revenge’ In Blood In Conference Room #~# SPOKANE, WA—After the eighth such incident this year, Vista Consulting Partners human resources director Beth Shumaker sent out a company-wide email Thursday reminding employees not to scrawl the word “revenge” in blood across any surface in the conference room. “Most of you are already familiar with this rule, but just as a refresher, it’s directly against company policy for an employee to use blood to write ‘revenge’ on the conference room walls, door, or table,” wrote Shumaker, emphasizing that it did not matter if the word was rendered in human or animal blood. “Remember that we all use this room, and it’s inconsiderate to force your colleagues to delay their meeting to scrub ‘revenge’ off the whiteboard or windows.” Shumaker added that any employee who wanted revenge should simply carve the word into the forehead of his or her supervisor.
Community Loses Interest 3 Days After Rallying To Save Local Theater #~# PLATTEVILLE, CT—Just three days after residents gathered in the city’s main square and emphatically vowed to save the historic Orpheum Theater from its scheduled demolition, sources confirmed Friday that the community of Platteville had lost all interest in the cause.
New ‘SheTaxi’ Cab Service Exclusively For Female Passengers, Drivers #~# A new smartphone app called SheTaxi launching in New York later this month allows women to order taxis driven exclusively by female drivers so they can avoid harassment from male drivers. What do you think?
Oscar Pistorius Found Not Guilty Of Murder #~# A high court in South Africa ruled that “Blade Runner” Oscar Pistorius is not guilty of murdering girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, though the judge added, “It is clear his conduct was negligent.” What do you think?
Goodell Assures Fans He Was Too Busy Dismissing Other Players’ Assaults To Watch Ray Rice Tape #~# NEW YORK—In response to allegations that his office had received a copy of the footage months ago showing former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice hitting his then-fiancée, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell assured fans Thursday that he had been far too busy dismissing other players’ assault cases during that time to have watched the video. “To those raising accusations that I saw the disturbing surveillance footage of Ray Rice before its public release, I promise you that I was too completely engrossed with sidestepping, whitewashing, and disregarding numerous other domestic violence cases to have time to view the clip,” said Goodell, adding that reviewing physical abuse charges against dozens of other players, sugarcoating the details of these incidents to the press, and burying evidence incriminating the NFL for negligence left little time for much else. “Between glossing over all criminal charges of domestic violence against players and making numerous statements about how we would wait to see how the courts handle things first, there’s really no way I could find a free moment to sit down and watch that entire video.” Goodell added that in order to allay concerns of misconduct regarding the NFL’s handling of domestic abuse, the league is appointing a third party to independently investigate the Rice case and nothing else.
The Pros And Cons Of Military Intervention Against ISIS #~# In a televised address to the American public Wednesday, President Obama laid out plans for using military force to destroy the ISIS terrorist network. Here are the arguments for and against U.S. intervention in Iraq and Syria:
Uneasy Détente Forms Between Man Sitting On Patio, Bee #~# GREENWOOD, IN—With relations in the patio area approaching crisis levels for much of the past 15 minutes, sources within Cityside Grill’s outdoor dining space confirmed Thursday that an uneasy détente had finally developed between area man Kyle Silvestri and a honeybee. The tense calm, which reportedly arrived after the bee retreated to a safe distance on a nearby railing, came after a period of provocation that had lasted for most of the 31-year-old administrative clerk’s lunch. Observers said they witnessed open acts of aggression between the two factions, including the bee flying dangerously close to the contested territory of a Coke can and Silvestri once attempting to swat away the insect with a menu. However, experts with knowledge of the two sides’ historically strained relations were pessimistic about the truce’s staying power, noting that the bee was showing no signs of withdrawing from the terrace and emphasizing that Silvestri had repeatedly asserted his right to eat on the patio in peace. At press time, sources confirmed that the brief armistice had fallen apart after the bee suddenly entered the airspace around Silvestri’s head, prompting the man to surrender his territory and seek refuge indoors.
The Aftermath Of September 11 #~# As America reflects on the anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, here are a few ways our nation’s perceptions have changed in the wake of 9/11:
Poll: 80% Of Americans Would Get In Vehicle With Stranger For Chance At New Life #~# WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, 80 percent of Americans would, if given even one opportunity, enter a stranger’s vehicle for a shot at starting a new life. “Our research indicated that as long as the driver was headed somewhere else, anywhere else, more than three quarters of Americans would get in that person’s car without any hesitation,” said Pew spokesperson Sylvia Ettinger, adding that neither the make of the vehicle, its intended destination, nor the appearance or temperament of the driver would have any bearing on the decision. “Provided that entering the vehicle offered even the remotest possibility of a clean break from the past, eight out of every 10 people we surveyed said they were happy to toss their cell phone and wallet into a ditch and put their destiny in the hands of the very first person who pulled over.” The poll found, however, that only 3 percent of Americans would pick up some weirdo standing on the side of the road with his thumb out.
Casino Reporting Steady Profits From Slot Machine That Promises Players They Will Lose #~# LAS VEGAS—Touting robust traffic on par with some of its most popular games, representatives from Las Vegas’ Bellagio resort said Thursday that the casino was enjoying steady profits from a new slot machine that explicitly guarantees players they will lose.
Person Standing Far Away From Burial Must Have Deep, Dark Secret About Deceased #~# TWIN FALLS, ID—According to eyewitnesses, a solitary figure who was seen standing far from the other mourners at Thursday’s burial service for local man James McManness must know some deep, dark secret about the deceased. The mysterious individual, who is said to have worn a black suit and a fedora pulled low over his brow, reportedly said nothing and interacted with no one throughout the ceremony. Sources confirmed that the anonymous observer stayed just far enough away that funeral attendees could not make out any identifying features, though one onlooker claimed that when the ominous figure pulled a cigarette to his lips and lit it beneath the downturned brim of his hat, the light cast by the flame revealed what may have been a scar down his left cheek. When those in attendance turned to leave the gravesite just moments after the service ended, the unknown man was reportedly gone, leading some to look around in all directions in vain before slowly walking out of the cemetery.
Fox Sports Announces Plans To Mic Up NFL Players’ Tendons #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide football fans with a more immersive at-home viewing experience, officials from Fox Sports announced Friday that the network will “mic up” players’ tendons during all NFL games this season. “We’ll have microphones on select players throughout the league so fans can hear every snap of a blown ACL or a ruptured Achilles tendon,” said Fox NFL Sunday host Curt Menefee, adding that producers will be able to air the sounds of players’ muscle tissue tearing apart immediately after a live play. “With this new addition to our coverage, you’ll feel like you’re right there on the field for every season-ending injury. It’s really the ultimate fan experience.” Menefee went on to confirm that the network will also mic up sideline stretchers so viewers can hear the agonized screams of star players being carted off the field.
Obama Vows To Split ISIS Into Dozens Of Extremist Splinter Groups #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that the terrorist organization’s actions can no longer be ignored, President Obama vowed Wednesday that the United States would use precision airstrikes for as long as needed to ensure that ISIS is divided into dozens of extremist splinter groups. “ISIS poses a significant threat to U.S. interests both overseas and at home, and that is why we are committed to a limited military engagement that will fracture the terrorist network’s leadership and consequently create a myriad of smaller cells, each with its own violent, radical agenda,” said Obama during a primetime address to the nation, stressing that any campaign to transform the group into a patchwork of volatile jihadist factions will not be performed unilaterally, but rather with the support and cooperation of key allies in the region. “I have already discussed this plan with congressional leaders, and I have no doubt that our efforts will eventually replace this militant organization with many smaller but equally determined groups bent on using extreme brutality to impose fundamentalist Islamic rule. It will not happen overnight, but I can assure the American public that, in time, this group will be defeated, allowing us to focus our attention on the countless threats to homeland security posed by its many immediate successors.” Obama added that while the ISIS campaign will not involve American boots on the ground, he reserves the right to deploy troops should one or more of the spin-off cells grow to be even more powerful.
‘Apple Pay’ To Let Users Tap Phones As Credit Cards #~# Among its flurry of new releases, Apple also unveiled a new mobile payment system called Apple Pay, which allows users to tap their smartphones at cash registers in place of a credit card, a service some experts worry will make users susceptible to security breaches. What do you think?
Frustrated ESPN Producer Demands New Camera Angle Of Ray Rice Punching Wife #~# BRISTOL, CT—Expressing his intense aggravation Wednesday at having limited footage to air throughout the network’s programming, visibly frustrated ESPN senior producer Mark Hutcheson reportedly demanded a new camera angle of Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice assaulting his then-fiancée in a casino elevator this past February. “Just get a different shot of the whole thing from beginning to end, and this time I want a better view of the punch that knocked her unconscious without any dropped frames,” said a furious Hutcheson, stressing that any new clip of the domestic violence “better have some goddamn audio, too.” “C’mon, there had to be another security camera in that lobby or some cell phone footage of what happened, so just find it already. And hurry the fuck up, because we don’t have much time until the next SportsCenter.” Hutcheson added that until ESPN staffers “get their shit together,” the network would have no choice but to continue replaying the same two video clips of the incident every 10 to 15 minutes.
Concert Security Drastically Overestimating Fans’ Desire To Get Close To Cheap Trick #~# DAYTON, OH—Taking note of the dozen or so individuals standing in tight formation behind a row of linked steel barricades Tuesday night, sources confirmed that venue security at the Fraze Pavilion had drastically overestimated the desire of concertgoers to get close to the hard-rock band Cheap Trick. “Back up, everybody! Everybody get back!” said one security guard to a cluster of fans approximately 30 feet away, who reportedly were showing no inclination toward advancing on the stage and who, in some cases, remained sitting on blankets. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up! You got a pass? Band members and pass holders only! Just get back and let us do our job! Let’s not have any problems.” At press time, following the encore performance of “I Want You To Want Me,” eight members of the Pavilion’s security staff had formed a protective huddle around the band and were rushing the musicians to their tour bus so that they could safely depart the venue.
Obama To Assure Nation That ISIS Campaign Will Be Drawn-Out Ordeal They’re Used To #~# WASHINGTON—Previewing tonight’s televised primetime address to the nation, White House aides confirmed that President Obama will reassure Americans that the impending military campaign against ISIS will be the exact same type of open-ended, drawn-out conflict that they are used to. “The president recognizes that citizens may be uneasy about this operation, and that’s why he will use tonight’s speech to comfort the American public by reminding them that they have been through armed engagements without clear end dates or even concrete objectives plenty of times before, and that this case is no different,” said senior White House advisor Daniel Pfeiffer, adding that the president will assuage viewers’ concerns by laying out precisely how the U.S. will mire itself in the same old quagmire that citizens have grown accustomed to over the years. “The president’s message is clear: This will be just another one of our routine intractable engagements in the region—it’s going to be unending, it’s going to be expensive, and it’s going to affect our credibility within the international community. There will not be any surprises for folks to worry about.” Pfeiffer added that by the end of Obama’s speech, Americans should be able to rest easy and just let this situation play out like they know it will.
Absentminded Nation Catches Itself Turning To Its Leaders Again #~# WASHINGTON—Rolling their eyes at their own foolishness and silently chastising themselves the second they realized their mistake, millions of absentminded Americans once again caught themselves turning to their leaders this week, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Nation’s Huggers Announce Plans For You To Get Over Here #~# WASHINGTON—Approaching slowly with their arms spread open wide, thousands of huggers across the country announced their intention for you to get on over here Wednesday. “C’mon, bring it in! Let’s do this,” the nation’s huggers said, adding that someone needed a hug and that person is you. “Get over here, you know what time it is.” At press time, the huggers were reportedly beckoning you to come closer, grinning ear to ear, and nodding their heads in the affirmative.
McDonald’s Testing Customizable Burgers To Compete With Chipotle #~# In order to compete with the increasingly popular Chipotle, which allows customers to select fresh ingredients for meals, McDonald’s is reportedly testing out a 100 percent customizable burger option that enables customers to choose their bread, cheese, toppings, and sauces. What do you think?
The Pros And Cons Of A Long-Distance Relationship #~# Many couples choose to enter long-distance relationships when a partner moves for work, while couples who meet on trips or online begin dating in the hopes they’ll one day live in the same city. Here are some pros and cons of having a long-distance relationship:
Olive Garden's 7-Week ‘Never Ending Pasta Passes’ Sell Out In 45 Minutes #~# After Olive Garden announced it would sell a limited number of $100 “Never Ending Pasta Passes,” giving customers an unlimited supply of pasta, breadsticks, and Coca-Cola-branded soft drinks for 49 days, the promotion sold out within 45 minutes. What do you think?
3-Day Waiting Period Leads To Far More Feasible Murder Plot #~# MASON CITY, IA—Saying that the past 72 hours offered him plenty of time to pause and reflect, local man Andrew Boyle told reporters Tuesday that the state’s three-day waiting period to purchase a handgun had allowed him to devise a far more practical murder plot. “I was just going to drive straight over there, bust through the door, and start firing indiscriminately. But now that I’ve really thought about it, I can make sure that I not only take this guy out, but his whole family as well,” said Boyle, who added that holding off until later in the week had afforded him the opportunity to carefully monitor his target’s daily routine, learn how to override a home security system, and craft several contingency plans should any aspect of his plot fall through. “Having all this extra time to formulate a clear, well-thought-out plan has actually been a blessing. If they’d sold me the gun right away, there’s no question I would have been so enraged that I would have overlooked all the finer details and totally botched it.” Boyle then added that, because of the three-day wait, he was pretty much assured of getting away with the crime as well.
Features Of The New Apple Watch #~# Tim Cook announced Tuesday the release of Apple’s long-rumored watch, the latest in wearable technology. Here are some features of the new device:
Apple Releases Brief, Fleeting Moment Of Excitement #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Ending weeks of anticipation and intense speculation, tech giant Apple unveiled a short and fleeting moment of excitement to the general public Tuesday during a media event at its corporate headquarters. “With this groundbreaking new release, Apple has completely revolutionized the way we experience an ephemeral sense of wonder lasting no longer than several moments,” said Wired writer Gary Turnham, who added that the company has once again proved why it’s the global leader in developing exhilarating sensations that only temporarily mask one’s underlying feelings before dissolving away. “Even before today’s announcement, people across the country were lining up to be among the first to get their hands on this new short-lived and non-renewable flash of satisfaction. And they won’t be disappointed; this already vanishing glimmer of pleasure is exactly what we’ve come to expect from Apple.” According to Turnham, rumors are already swirling that Apple engineers are working on a slimmer, briefer moment of excitement projected for release next fall.
NFL Announces New Zero-Tolerance Policy On Videotaped Domestic Violence #~# NEW YORK—Following public outcry over his mishandling of Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice’s aggravated assault of his then-fiancée, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Tuesday that the league has adopted a new zero-tolerance policy toward all videotaped domestic abuse. “We hold our players to the highest standards both as professional athletes and as people, so any violence toward women that is recorded, authenticated, and then publicly distributed will be met with an automatic suspension and fine,” said Goodell, adding that the new, stricter guidelines reflect the league’s hard-line stance against any spousal abuse that is clearly and irrefutably captured on film. “I can assure you that any member of this league who strikes a woman in front of a live camera will face swift and heavy consequences. I also want to stress that this utterly reprehensible behavior is something we will in no way tolerate as long as the footage is completely uninterrupted and the entirety of the assault takes place within frame.” Goodell went on to clarify that in such cases, the NFL will cooperate fully with local authorities as soon as the league can no longer prevent incriminating evidence from being leaked to the media.
Doctor Has Troubling Amount Of Available Appointment Slots #~# SALINAS, CA—While scheduling a checkup at his primary care provider’s office, local resident Max Holden was reportedly left deeply unsettled Tuesday by the sheer number of available appointment slots on general practitioner Albert Corliss’ calendar. “I asked if I could see Dr. Corliss next week and the receptionist just flat out said, ‘Certainly, when can you come in?’” a visibly disconcerted Holden told reporters, confirming that his unease grew even more intense when he was offered his choice of a morning or afternoon appointment. “When I suggested either Thursday or Friday, she said, ‘Sure, which one?’ I was expecting some pushback, or maybe a list of one or two available openings, but she just left it wide open for me to name a time of day. At that point, I was getting pretty concerned.” Holden added that he’d better be left sitting in the waiting room for at least a half hour at his upcoming appointment, telling reporters that if he is able to just walk in and meet with his doctor immediately, he’ll be “completely freaked out.”
Study: Popular Diets Pretty Much Equally Effective For Losing Weight #~# A new study has found that while low-carb and low-fat diets are often pitted against one other as the better way to lose weight, there isn’t a dramatic difference in results between the two, with both proving effective as long as the person sticks to the diet. What do you think?
Bank Of America Introduces New $50 Underdraft Fee #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying the penalty will cover the costs incurred by the financial institution whenever a customer makes a withdrawal that results in a positive account balance, Bank of America introduced a new $50 underdraft fee Tuesday on all checking and savings accounts. “Beginning today, we will assess a fee on customers who withdraw less money than they have available,” bank spokesperson Melissa Scott told reporters, noting that the $50 surcharge will automatically be deducted any time a patron uses a Bank of America debit card or check to make a purchase that is less than the dollar amount of his or her account balance. “We’re confident this new fee shouldn’t be an issue for most of our customers. As long as account holders remain vigilant about their finances, and make sure not to withdraw too little money, they should be able to conduct their banking business as usual without ever receiving a ‘sufficient funds’ notice.” To further incentivize customers against repeating such a financial mistake, Scott added that the fee will increase with each additional underdraft, with the penalty rising to $75 for a second offense, $150 for a third offense, and a value equal to the remaining balance of one’s account for any additional underdraft committed thereafter.
Amateur Sleuth Identifies Jack The Ripper #~# An amateur detective has claimed that he teamed up with a molecular biologist to conduct DNA testing on a bloodstained shawl to identify Jack the Ripper, the infamous London serial killer who murdered five women in 1888, as a then-23-year-old Polish barber named Aaron Kosminski. What do you think?
Puzzled Nation Can Remember Name Ferguson, But Not Sure From Where #~# WASHINGTON—Reportedly racking their brains in an attempt to figure out how they knew that name, a puzzled American populace admitted Monday that while they definitely remembered hearing the word Ferguson, they could not quite put their finger on where. “Ferguson, Ferguson—God, I know that word from somewhere. It’s right on the tip of my tongue,” said Virginia Beach resident Mark Brown, one of millions of citizens nationwide who reportedly paused during the day and furrowed their brows in bafflement, before venturing guesses that the familiar-sounding term might have been a thing from TV or someone they heard a friend talking about. “Yeah, that definitely rings a bell. Hmm. Boy, I’m drawing a big blank on this one. Oh, well.” At press time, each citizen agreed that wherever they had heard the name Ferguson, it probably wasn’t worth any more of their time trying to remember.
Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired #~# CINCINNATI—Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Jefferson High School officials reportedly fired 10th-grade chemistry teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. “I just love being around the students—I honestly think I get more out of these classes than the kids do,” said Steenman, who was later summoned into a meeting with the school’s principal where she was informed that her contract would be terminated immediately for gross incompetence. “I learn something new from them each and every day. They teach me so much—far more than I could ever teach them.” The dismissal reportedly follows a series of reprimands from administrators, who recorded Steenman on numerous occasions stating that her curriculum was less about chemistry, per se, and more about learning how to learn.
Man Excited To Give Visiting Friends The Real Fort Wayne Experience #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Promising to steer them away from the usual tourist traps and show them the sights of his hometown through the eyes of a native, local man Martin Greenbaum pledged Monday to treat his visiting friends to the real Fort Wayne experience, sources said. “They’re going to want to head straight to the Foellinger-Freimann Botanical Conservatory, of course, but you really can’t get the pulse of this city unless you hit up the Jefferson Pointe Shopping Center,” Greenbaum said, adding that while there was nothing wrong with grabbing food at Pint & Slice, you had to go to the Oyster Bar to “really taste Fort Wayne.” “And once I show them the Karpeles Manuscript Library and the Firefighters’ Museum, they’re gonna forget how eager they were to see the Johnny Appleseed Festival. It’s not their fault, though. You just don’t know certain things about a city unless you live there.” Greenbaum told reporters that while Fort Wayne had more than enough to offer, he’d also help his friends make the most of their time if they decided to take a side trip to Muncie.
America Cannot Continue To Function As The World’s Stripper Police #~# Over the past several decades, the United States has become increasingly entangled in foreign affairs. Time and time again, when freedom has been threatened in some faraway country, we’ve been the only ones to show up—often at great cost—and the rest of the world has grown accustomed to us taking the lead. But as vital as this role may have been, the truth is that America can no longer serve as the world’s stripper police.
NFL Week One Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the first week of the NFL season:
Every One Of Man’s Priorities Unrecognizable To Grandfather #~# STOUGHTON, MA—From his aversion to using plastic bags to his refusal to eat bread and other foods containing gluten, every one of local man Joshua Pell’s life priorities is reportedly baffling to his grandfather, Everett Pell, sources confirmed Monday. “Lately, I’ve been trying to build a bigger social media presence by interacting more with the people I follow,” the younger Pell was overheard saying at a family gathering, further bewildering his 79-year-old grandfather by adding he is trying to avoid sitting whenever possible and would like to own a standing desk. “Although I’m also considering just going completely off the grid for a month and backpacking through Croatia.” According to reports, the following day, Everett told a group of friends that his grandson’s ambition is to become a businessman.
Study: Action Movies Make People Eat More #~# According to a new study, people watching action movies eat twice as much food as those watching talk shows, which may be because fast-paced programs can distract viewers from how much food they’re putting in their mouths. What do you think?
Russian Mating Geckos Didn’t Survive Trip To Space #~# Russia’s space agency confirmed this week that a group of geckos that were launched into space in July in order to study “the effects of weightlessness on lizard mating” didn’t survive the journey. What do you think?
Chase Executives Fondly Recall Financial Company’s Hip-Hop Roots #~# NEW YORK—Sitting in the multinational corporation’s boardroom, Chase executives reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon nostalgically recalling the financial company’s hip-hop roots, reminiscing about being young bankers who helped create the vibrant music, cultural, and investment scene in the South Bronx.
NYPD Requiring Cops To Undergo Twitter Training #~# The New York Post reported that, following a Twitter outreach campaign that backfired horribly, the NYPD is requiring its officers to attend mandatory classes at a local college on how to use Twitter. What do you think?
Scientists Announce Ambitious Project To Map Layer Of Garbage On Ocean Floor #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the undertaking could take up to 20 years, members of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration announced a major initiative Friday to begin mapping the massive layer of garbage on the ocean floor. “With roughly 110 million square miles of oceanic trash remaining completely unexplored, we hope that next year we can start producing bathymetric maps of the rugged detritus ranges and vast refuse flats at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean,” said NOAA administrator Jane Lubchenco, who explained that topographers will use multibeam echosounders to create a digital terrain model displaying the many trash formations suspected to exist on the seafloor, including deep trenches in tire piles, countless scrap metal ridges, and detergent bottle shelves. “It may be ambitious, but we hope to eventually define the contours of every square inch of the plastic and metal debris at the bottom of the world’s oceans. Unfortunately, almost all of the data we currently have is limited to the junk features within five miles of our coastlines—frankly, we know more about the garbage in our solar system than our own deep-sea litter.” Lubchenco added that the maps could be extremely beneficial to marine biologists hoping to study the sea life that have evolved to live in and around the waste bed.
Bath & Body Works Scientists Destroy Experimental Scent Unfit For Mankind #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Saying the consequences of unleashing such a fragrance were too grave to even contemplate, Bath & Body Works scientists announced Friday that they had destroyed an experimental new scent after determining it was unfit for humankind. “We cannot in good conscience develop this potentially catastrophic fragrance into body scrub- or bath bead-form and allow it to be used on innocent civilians, and thus we have terminated our Cherry Blossom Night project effective immediately,” said Bath & Body Works chief scientist Craig Holzmann of the secret five-year-long program, stressing that, with its intoxicating notes of warm vanilla, Himalayan cedarwood, and Asian pear, the scent could far too easily be mishandled by human hands, resulting in unthinkable devastation. “For too long, our desire to advance the fields of sensuous scents and luscious lotions has blinded us to the very thing that made us human. Only now, after testing the very limits of olfactory enchantment, do we understand how foolhardy it was to ever believe man could responsibly wield such aromatic power.” Holzmann noted, however, that just enough Cherry Blossom Night for a single misting would be stored underground in a secure facility as a warning to future generations.
Man Simultaneously Excited For, Dreading NFL Taking Up His Entire Sunday For Next Four Months #~# PUEBLO, CO—Admitting to feeling mixed emotions over the fact that his weekends will soon revolve around watching football, local 34-year-old Adam Gebhard told reporters Thursday that he is both incredibly excited for and somewhat dreading the coming NFL season taking up his entire Sunday for the next four months. “I’ve been really excited for the NFL to finally start up again, but to be honest, I kind of liked having my Sundays free to do whatever I want,” said Gebhard, acknowledging that while he was thrilled to have the regular season and playoffs to look forward to, he’ll just have to forget about going out for Sunday brunch or spending a relaxing afternoon at the park with friends when there are kickoffs at 11 a.m., 2:25 p.m., and 6:30 p.m. every week until February. “I’ll basically roll out of bed in the morning, turn on the TV, and watch nothing but football for the next 12 hours straight. And when Sunday Night Football is over, there are highlights and analysis of every game on ESPN to catch before going to bed. It’ll be awesome, but at the same time, part of me can’t wait for the season to just be over.” Gebhard added that he was experiencing similarly conflicting feelings about soon spending most of his week updating his fantasy football team roster and lineup.
iPhone 6 Fans Paying Line Holders To Wait Outside Stores #~# Apple fans desperate to buy the iPhone 6 on the first day of its release later this month are paying line holders hundreds of dollars to wait outside Apple stores and hold their spots. What do you think?
2014 NFL Players To Watch #~# Onion Sports has the comprehensive guide to the most exciting NFL players of 2014.
Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father’s Murder #~# WASHINGTON—Citing the central role the process plays in cognitive development, a study released Thursday by the American Psychological Association found that boys do not reach emotional maturity until avenging the murder of their father. “Our research indicates that a young man’s psyche is not fully formed until he successfully tracks down, confronts, and finally slaughters the man who took his father’s life,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Christina McCauley, who noted that a male’s maturation process typically begins with years of replaying the murder in his mind, spending countless hours studying the one tattered old photo of the killer in his possession, and befriending a hermetic martial arts master who teaches him to control his rage and use it to his advantage. “In addition, we found that the exact moment a boy enters adulthood coincides with the experience of standing above his father’s killer and saying something to the effect of ‘Look at me, you coward,’ or ‘What, you don’t remember?’ before driving a knife into the trembling individual’s chest.” McCauley added that the final stage in a boy’s mental development occurs when he backpedals from the killer’s dead body, looks down at his own hands, and then openly weeps upon realizing he has completed his years-long quest.
Job Applicant Totally Nails Interview With Person Who Will Make Life A Living Hell For Next 5 Years #~# SAN ANTONIO—Appearing upbeat and optimistic upon leaving the offices of Red Spur Media on Thursday, local job applicant Marc Tullman told reporters he totally nailed his interview with the man who will make his existence a waking nightmare for the next five years.
Startup Very Casual About Dress Code, Benefits #~# AUSTIN, TX—Touting the business’s laid-back, nontraditional corporate culture, Go-Go Maps founder and CEO Mike Hannasch explained to reporters Thursday that his company is pretty casual when it comes to employees’ dress code and benefits. “I’ve always tried to make this a cool, fun place to work, not some stuffy office that’s super uptight about whether you’re wearing a tie or having your 401(k) contributions matched,” said Hannasch, adding that workers are just as free to show up wearing jeans as they are to pay a $6,000 health care deductible on a plan that doesn’t include vision or dental coverage. “I’m not here to create a bunch of arbitrary rules and expectations. My philosophy is, if you can do your job without vacation days or paid maternity leave or while wearing flip-flops, then what difference should it make?” Hannasch went on to say that despite these flexible policies, the company is actually rather rigid about its plans to one day outsource most of its employees’ jobs.
I-90 Adds Lane For Drivers Traveling Cross-Country To Stop Woman From Marrying Wrong Man #~# WASHINGTON—The Federal Highway Administration announced Tuesday that it will construct an additional lane along Interstate 90 to accommodate drivers traveling across the country in order to stop the woman they love from marrying the wrong man. “We want to ensure that any motorist who finds himself frantically racing along I-90 to stop a wedding at the last minute will have access to a restricted, high-speed lane to prevent his soulmate from making the biggest mistake of her life,” FHWA administrator Victor Mendez said of the new express lane, which reportedly will run the entire length of the highway, from Boston to Seattle, allowing drivers to make an impassioned, last-ditch attempt to declare their feelings to the love of their life and make sure she doesn’t end up with someone who couldn’t possibly care for her as deeply as they do. “Once construction is completed, motorists will be able to scramble into their vehicles, peel out of their driveways, and speed down I-90 unimpeded in hopes that there’s still time. We also plan to construct a number of wayside areas along the shoulder of each exit ramp that, if needed, will allow motorists to ditch their broken-down cars and make their way to the wedding venue on foot.” According to sources, the new highway lane follows a decision by the Federal Aviation Administration last month to relax safety restrictions at all U.S. airports in order to allow individuals to bypass security and run straight to their beloved’s departure gate moments before she boards an international flight.
Family Dinners Can Counteract Effects Of Cyberbullying #~# New research suggests that eating dinner as a family four or more times a week may help protect kids against some of the negative effects of cyberbullying by allowing them to talk about their problems with siblings and parents, as well as discuss coping mechanisms. What do you think?
‘Smart Mannequins’ Tell Shoppers About Clothes They’re Wearing #~# Department stores in London are testing out new high-tech mannequins capable of telling shoppers what merchandise they’re wearing by sending pictures of the clothing and prices to nearby cell phones, allowing people to shop without talking to actual salespeople. What do you think?
College Football Player First In Family To Meet NCAA Academic Eligibility Requirements #~# SPRINGFIELD, MO—Stressing his determination to make the most of the opportunity, local high school linebacker John Clifford, 18, proudly confirmed Wednesday that he will be attending Texas A&M after becoming the first member of his family to meet NCAA eligibility requirements for student-athletes. “It was definitely harder knowing that no one in my family had ever done it before, but I never gave up on my dream of someday completing the 16 core course requirements and maintaining at least a 2.0 GPA in order to play college football,” said Clifford, adding that he only understood the full weight of his achievement after seeing the emotional reaction of his father, a former high school basketball player who never had the chance to attend college because his combined 720 SAT score did not meet NCAA standards. “I’m the one going, but it’s an accomplishment that everyone in my life—my older brother, my parents, and especially my high school teachers and administrators—can share together. There’s a lot of pressure, of course, but I just want to prove that no matter who you are or where you come from, you can pass the academic requisites to play at a collegiate-level sports program.” Clifford also expressed his incredible gratitude for the financial aid he received from Texas A&M, noting that his family never could have afforded to pay for four years of college without the $50,000 in illicit payments from the university.
Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy #~# Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great. Here are some tips for having a problem-free pregnancy:
Nude Celebrity Photo Leak Sparks Controversy Over Who’s To Blame #~# After nude photos of more than 20 female celebrities, including Jennifer Lawrence, were leaked online this week, many people blamed Apple iCloud for security flaws and the hacker for breaching the stars’ privacy, while others criticized the women for taking nude photos of themselves in the first place. What do you think?
Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs #~# CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs. “Mr. Fox is a lucky man—that burger went right past his heart and just barely missed his lungs,” said Dr. Karen Yang of Northwestern Memorial Hospital, noting that the meal entered Fox’s body mere inches from his brain and avoided his spinal cord by a matter of centimeters. “Based on its trajectory, the lunch appeared to be headed straight for his liver and kidneys, but fortunately, its track seems to have altered just enough for it to pass by without causing any damage.” Though there were no immediate life-threatening injuries, Yang said that remnants of the burger may stay lodged in the man’s abdomen for years to come and could present long-term health complications down the line.
Death Row Guard Has Always Had Soft Spot For The Innocent Ones #~# ANGOLA, LA—Saying he’s seen “a lot of people come through here in [his] day” and met prisoners of every type, longtime Louisiana State Penitentiary death row guard Dwayne McFadden confided Wednesday that he’s always had a bit of a soft spot for the innocent ones.
Woman Not Going To Let Husband Of 60 Years Drag Her Into Death At Same Time #~# TACOMA, WA—Sitting at the bedside of her ailing husband Roger, whom she first met at a school dance in 1951, local woman Jeanie Davison told reporters Wednesday that when the time comes for her beloved spouse of 60 years to pass on, she has no intention of letting him drag her into death at the same time.
New Biodiversity Program Busses In Species From Outside Ecosystems #~# WASHINGTON—As part of an effort to provide equal opportunities across habitats and enrich the lives of wildlife throughout the nation, officials from the EPA unveiled a new biodiversity program Friday that will bus in species from different ecosystems. “We are firmly committed to creating a diverse biosphere by fostering relationships between flora and fauna with unique experiences and perspectives,” agency spokesman Adam Wilson said of the federally funded program, which launched this week by shuttling two dozen species of plants and animals from the Everglades to the northern Great Plains. “Before these exchanges, many fir trees in the Colorado Rockies, for example, might go their entire lives without ever meeting a clam. But soon, they’ll be able to live together in harmony and gain a new understanding of their different backgrounds and biomes.” At press time, sources confirmed that a charter bus filled with javelinas and saguaro cacti had been stopped by protesters at the Arkansas border demanding they go back to the desert.
First Day Of School Photos A Chance To See How Much Cousin’s Kids Are Chunking Out This Year #~# SARASOTA, FL—Clicking through the back-to-school photo album his cousin Janice recently posted on Facebook, local man Paul Stewart told reporters Wednesday that he was really enjoying the opportunity to see how much her kids are chunking out. “They were a couple of butterballs last year, but wow, they are really packing on the lard now,” said Stewart, noting a photo in which the two chubsters stood in their driveway wearing new clothes and backpacks and posed with their doughy little arms around each other. “Kyle’s turning into quite the porker. And Tyler’s already in third grade? Wow, I almost didn’t recognize that blubbersaurus.” Stewart added that he wouldn’t be surprised if these two blimps didn’t each put on another 20 pounds by Halloween and was eagerly awaiting the trick-or-treating pictures.
Mayor Hits On Crazy Idea Of Developing City’s Waterfront, Green Spaces #~# ERIE, PA—Readily acknowledging how outlandish the idea might seem at first, Erie, PA mayor Joe Sinnott held a press conference Tuesday to announce his new and “admittedly crazy” initiative to develop the city’s waterfront and green spaces. “I recognize this probably sounds insane, but I’ve got this strange feeling there might be some sort of upside to converting our unused and blighted lakefront into a family- and business-friendly hub of the community,” Sinnott told reporters, explaining how the counterintuitive and “probably a little nuts” proposal would replace the decaying and unsightly old manufacturing buildings along Lake Erie with a vibrant retail-entertainment district. “But wait, it gets crazier: What if we also took some of the nearby vacant lots and—hold on to your hats, guys—turned them into public parks? With dog runs? Sounds bonkers, right? But I think it just might work.” Though the proposal has received cautious support, city council president Melvin Witherspoon told reporters that the mayor’s idea to open the refurbished waterfront with a weekend-long street festival was “the unhinged ranting of a madman.”
Study: Married Couples Who Smoke Marijuana Have Fewer Fights #~# According to a new study from the University of Buffalo, married couples who both regularly smoke marijuana are less likely to experience domestic violence and fighting, which may be because pot smokers are possibly happier people. What do you think?
RGIII Refusing To Let Realistic Assessment Of His Play Get To Him #~# RICHMOND, VA—Saying that he makes a point to simply tune out the intense scrutiny from fans and the media, Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III stressed to reporters Tuesday that he will not allow any realistic assessment of his performance get to him. “I’m not about to let any objective criticism toward my play on the field distract me when I’m out there trying to win for my team,” said a determined Griffin, noting that he does his best not to give too much credence to the multitude of perfectly legitimate concerns about his regressing throwing mechanics, his middling ability as a pocket passer, and his increasing number of interceptions. “Look, I won’t be discouraged by unbiased, completely warranted critiques of my struggles within this offensive scheme or totally reasonable questions as to whether I’m naturally injury-prone. At the end of the day, I’m just focused on my game.” Griffin went on to say that he hopes backup quarterback Kirk Cousins is able to similarly brush off any heightened praise about his impressive displays during the preseason.
New Study Finds Link Between Breastfeeding, Always Knowing What’s Right For Everyone #~# BALTIMORE—A study published Tuesday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University has discovered a correlation between breastfeeding and unequivocally knowing what’s best for other people at all times. “The data suggests that the simple behavior of breastfeeding one’s infant dramatically improves a woman’s ability to identify with perfect precision what’s wrong with everyone else in every situation,” reads the study, which observed thousands of nursing mothers nationwide and documented their heightened wisdom of postnatal care, publicly acceptable behavior, proper food choices, pediatric development, and countless other issues. “We found that these new mothers not only developed but loudly vocalized a greatly expanded comprehension of right from wrong, appropriate from inappropriate, and healthy from severely detrimental. And the effects were immediate, with women gaining this remarkable knowledge at the very moment they began breastfeeding.” The study also indicated that nursing greatly boosts a mother’s immunity to others’ viewpoints.
Report: This Just The 30th Wake-Up Call Woman Needed #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—According to reports, local woman Janelle Tompkins’ arrival to work an hour late and severely hungover Tuesday morning was precisely the 30th wake-up call she needed to turn her life around. “Wow, my habit of staying out and drinking all night has clearly gotten out of control. I’ve got to make some major changes ASAP,” said Tompkins, using the exact phrasing she uttered during her five previous wake-up calls this year, which have included two shattered relationships and blacking out at a friend’s bridal shower. “I suppose something had to give eventually, and now I’ve gotten the message: It’s time to make a fresh start and think about my future for once.” At press time, Tompkins had invited several close friends to celebrate her new lease on life by meeting at their local bar’s Oktoberfest celebration.
Dogs Get Separation Anxiety When Kids Leave For School #~# According to new research, dogs who are used to being around kids during the summer can get separation anxiety when the children go back to school, which experts say can be avoided by having kids run through their school routines ahead of time. What do you think?
Town Bans Clown Costumes After Wave Of Terror #~# A French village has imposed a ban on people wearing clown costumes this Halloween after pranksters dressed as scary clowns roved the streets terrorizing residents with pistols, knives, and bats. What do you think?
Report: 80% Of All Traffic Accidents Caused By Drivers Gawking At Shirtless Hunks #~# WASHINGTON—Signaling an alarming and dangerous trend for the nation’s motorists, the U.S. Department of Transportation released a report Friday revealing that four out of five traffic accidents are caused by drivers taking their eyes off the road to ogle shirtless hunks.
Fourth-Graders Differ Over How Much Allergic Classmate’s Face Swelled Up #~# SAN JOSE, CA—With estimates ranging from “two marshmallows smushed together” to “the size of a basketball,” fourth-graders at Greystone Elementary differed in opinion over how much their allergic classmate’s face swelled up during recess, sources said Friday. “Caleb said Eric’s face puffed up like a bag of microwave popcorn, but it wasn’t even half that size,” said 9-year-old Dillon Porter, adding that multiple reports of the inflammation being purple and oozing were also inaccurate. “And then Katie said his forehead got all huge, but she wasn’t nearly as close as me or Ryan were. It might have gotten a little lumpy over one of his eyes, but that’s it. He did sort of look like a puffer fish, though, like Brendan said.” Porter went on to say that despite the controversy over the proportions of the allergic reaction, all agreed it was the grossest thing they’d ever seen.
Single Mom Ready To Get Back Out There During 30 Minutes Per Week She’s Not Working Or Watching Daughter #~# TACOMA, WA—Saying she’s ready to have some fun and meet somebody new, local single mother Denise Tripp told reporters Friday she hopes to get back out there and start dating again during the half hour or so each week when she’s not busy working or raising her 8-year-old daughter. “It will be wonderful getting to know someone in the few moments I have while walking back to the house in the morning after I drop Haley off at her bus stop,” said Tripp, remarking that she also has a four-and-a-half-minute window to build a relationship with a new partner on Sundays after she finishes the laundry and before she does her shopping for the week. “I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to just going out and enjoying a meal and a conversation with another adult. As long as I can find someone who lives nearby and doesn’t mind picking something up quick and eating in the car, I should be able to fit that in on my way to pick up Haley from her dance class.” Tripp added that she’s “not looking for Mr. Perfect,” just someone with whom she can curl up and watch a movie in a dozen or so 10-minute installments over the course of several months.
Alabama Boosters Under Fire After Paying For Nick Saban’s Sex Change #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—Drawing widespread condemnation from fans and pundits alike, boosters from the University of Alabama Crimson Tide Foundation are facing heavy criticism after it was revealed Friday that the organization fully funded head football coach Nick Saban’s sex reassignment surgery. “We’re willing to do whatever it takes to keep Coach Saban at Alabama, including covering costs for orchiectomy and penectomy procedures, breast augmentation, and monthly doctor visits throughout the transition process,” said Crimson Tide Foundation spokesperson Keith Stokes, responding to public outcry regarding reports that the group bankrolled more than $50,000 in expenses for the four-time national champion’s ongoing hormonal replacement therapy throughout the past 18 months. “We haven’t broken any NCAA rules, and we have every right to pay for Coach Saban’s facial hair removal through electrolysis, as well as cover aesthetic follow-up procedures to make facial features more feminine. Nicole brought us three national titles and has done so much for our school, so we just want to make sure she’s happy. Roll tide.” The boosters group was reportedly adamant, however, that it had nothing to do with Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin’s recent vaginoplasty, explaining that the procedure was included as part of the 39-year-old’s severance deal from USC.
Fantasy Football Week 9: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
Family Dinner Successfully Covers Topics Of Movies And TV #~# WAYZATA, MN—Having delved into a robust discussion over the implications of last week’s Gotham shortly after sitting down, which was quickly followed by a roundtable appraisal of the latest Hunger Games installment, members of the Coleman family confirmed Thursday evening that their dinner conversation successfully covered the two topics of film and television. “Have you seen the commercial for that new Matthew McConaughey movie—the one where they’re in space?” father Mitchell Coleman reportedly asked his children during a portion of the discussion that was devoted to a broad survey of upcoming movies before diving deep into the realm of TV programs by recounting the latest episode of 30 Rock that he and his wife watched on Netflix. “Looks pretty good to me. I like Matthew McConaughey. He was in that TV show, right? Boy, what's it called? I bet that's good, too.” Despite the fruitfulness of their dinnertime discourse, sources confirmed that mother Lori Coleman opted to build on the success of the night's conversation by initiating an in-depth discussion of possible outcomes of The Voice amid the family viewing of that very same show just minutes after the meal's completion.
New Dating Website My420Mate.com Matches Pot-Smoking Couples #~# Joining niche dating websites like StarTrekDating.com and MulletPassions.com, the new dating website My420Mate.com matches couples who both enjoy smoking pot as part of their lifestyle. What do you think?
Study: Men With 20 Or More Sexual Partners At Lower Risk Of Prostate Cancer #~# According to a new study from researchers at the University of Montreal, men who had slept with 20 or more women were one-third less likely to develop prostate cancer, though the findings have been disputed by other researchers. What do you think?
Groom Admits Bride Could Have Looked A Bit More Radiant On Wedding Day #~# CHICOPEE, MA—Recalling that the sight of his bride barely weakened his knees as he stood waiting at the altar, local newlywed Aaron Kraus admitted to reporters Thursday that his wife could have looked a little bit more radiant on their wedding day last weekend. “I’ll be honest, when I first saw her enter the church with her father, I was slightly let down by just how little she was glowing,” said Kraus, adding that, while still looking quite beautiful as she glided down the aisle, his bride-to-be probably only lit up half the room at most. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s a very attractive girl, but last Saturday I wouldn’t say she was truly breathtaking. I mean, I’d be lying if I said she hasn’t looked more stunning on probably a dozen other occasions.” Kraus went on to say that, while disappointing, his bride’s underwhelming appearance scarcely caused him to reconsider marrying her at all.
Sportswriter Has Hunch Team Will Use Bye Week To Get Healthy #~# DETROIT—Admitting that his hunch is entirely unsubstantiated, ESPN sportswriter Michael Rothstein reportedly proposed Thursday that the Detroit Lions are using their current bye week to get healthy. “I’ve been covering football for a while, so I have a pretty good feeling the Lions are taking advantage of this off week to rest up and focus on getting healthy,” said Rothstein, theorizing in purely speculative terms that Lions head coach Jim Caldwell realizes it’s a long season and is possibly letting his players recuperate so they can go into the second half of the season strong. “Now, I obviously can’t say for certain, but I’d be willing to bet that every player on the roster wants to be at 100 percent as the Lions fight for control of the NFC North. At the same time, maybe—just maybe—they’re taking their minds off football for a few days so they can be mentally rejuvenated for their Week 10 matchup against the Dolphins. But again, there’s no way of knowing for sure one way or the other.” Though Rothstein emphasized that his theory is merely conjecture, the NFL analyst went on to say with “reasonable confidence” that everyone on the Lions is focused on bringing a Super Bowl championship to Detroit this season.
Thrill-Seeking Man Wonders How Long He Can Keep Up Dangerous Sedentary Lifestyle #~# PHOENIX—Acknowledging that it’s only a matter of time before his high-risk pursuits finally catch up to him, local thrill-seeker Daniel Erickson told reporters Wednesday that he often wonders just how long he can keep up his extremely hazardous sedentary lifestyle.
McDonald’s Unveils New Slogan: Lovin’ Beats Hatin’ #~# After losing popularity with millennial consumers who are increasingly choosing Chipotle, McDonald’s unveiled its new tagline, “Lovin’ Beats Hatin’,” which officials say aims to spread love amidst hate for the brand on the internet. What do you think?
Well-Meaning Mouse Wouldn’t Really Call Self A ‘Pest,’ Per Se #~# BEND, OR—Calling the rodent control industry's less-than-flattering characterizations of him “unfounded” and “hurtful,” a well-meaning mouse told reporters Tuesday that he wouldn’t really go so far as to call himself a “pest,” per se. “I know I’m not always the most considerate neighbor, but by no means should we be throwing around the term ‘pest’ like I’m some repulsive troublemaker,” said the home dwelling creature, adding that he had always likened himself to more of a quiet houseguest than anything else, albeit one with "a few minor flaws here and there." “This is more than just a house, its a home, and to be honest I always thought the homeowner and I had a really good thing going here. There’s no way I’m going to get kicked to the curb just because someone thinks of me as some lowly vermin without taking time to get to know me. If they give me another chance, they’ll see.” The well intentioned mouse went on to clarify that he was all for evicting the nearby colony of European crane flies, clarifying that “those guys are the real monsters.”
2-Year-Old Never Thought He Would Live To See Giants Win World Series #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Joyously celebrating after his hometown team defeated the Kansas City Royals to clinch the championship, local 2-year-old Daniel Balane admitted to reporters Wednesday night that he never thought he would actually see the San Francisco Giants win a World Series in his lifetime. “I’ve waited my whole life for the Giants to win the World Series, and it’s just so surreal to actually see it finally happen,” said the 2-year-old toddler, adding that as far back as he can remember, the Giants have only been a mediocre National League team that couldn’t even make the playoffs. “Deep down, I always held out some hope that it could eventually happen, but after waiting for so long, you start to think they’ll just never get over the hump. So, when they finally won tonight, all that pent-up emotion just came pouring out. I still don’t think it’s fully sunk in yet. I mean, we did it—we’re world champs!” Balane went on to say that the Giants’ playoff run was the most exciting he’s witnessed since watching the San Francisco 49ers make it to the NFC Championship Game all the way back in 2013.
Street Harasser Haunted By Woman Who Got Away With Dignity Intact #~# CHICAGO—Regretting his failure to take advantage of the perfect opportunity, local street harasser Jason Foster told reporters Wednesday that he continues to be haunted by the woman who got away with her dignity intact. “I will go the rest of my life wondering if I could have made this woman feel completely demeaned, if maybe there was something else sexually degrading I could have shouted,” said a visibly emotional Foster, reportedly agonizing about the moment that morning when he did not make more of an effort to intimidate the woman by leering at her body or following closely behind her down the street. “It’s eating me up inside that I didn’t trust my gut instinct to go after her and continue making obscene remarks and unwelcome sexual advances. I truly believe she’s the one I could have totally humiliated by yelling ‘nice ass, baby doll’ one more time.” At press time, sources confirmed that an elated Foster had successfully robbed the woman of her dignity while she was returning home from work.
Traumatized Nation Terrified To Make Its Voice Heard In Another Election #~# WASHINGTON—Citing decades of repeated indignities and post-electoral trauma, Americans from across the political spectrum reported Wednesday that they were terrified at the prospect of making their voices heard in another nationwide vote.
Pope Francis: Evolution Is Not Inconsistent With God #~# Pope Francis told one of the Vatican’s scientific academies that the theory of evolution is not inconsistent with the notion of God, saying that God is not a magician “with a magic wand able to do everything.” What do you think?
Bears GM Hoping To Motivate Jay Cutler With More Guaranteed Money #~# CHICAGO—Saying that the organization feels compelled to light a fire under its struggling quarterback, Chicago Bears general manager Phil Emery told reporters Wednesday that he is hoping to motivate Jay Cutler by offering him even more guaranteed money from his seven-year, $126 million contract. “We’re willing to do whatever it takes to push Jay to improve his performance on the field, so if a guaranteed $54 million isn’t getting the best out of him, then we’ll just have to go up to $70 million,” said Emery, adding that increasing Cutler’s promised earnings will hopefully incentivize the veteran passer to consistently play at the peak of his abilities and eventually lead the team to a Super Bowl. “All options are on the table at this point, whether we need to restructure his current contract or just scrap it altogether and offer a new 10-year deal with $90 million guaranteed. We just want to make sure we’re doing everything in our power to keep Jay focused on his game and driven to succeed.” At press time, sources close to the Bears front office confirmed that the team will be cutting Brandon Marshall, Alshon Jeffery, Matt Forte, and Jared Allen in order to clear enough cap space for Cutler’s new salary.
Delicate Little Man Kept Awake All Night By Having Coffee After Four O’Clock #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Tossing and turning way past his beddy-bye, delicate little man Jeremy Palazola was reportedly unable to sleep Tuesday night because he drank a teensy bit of coffee after four o’clock. “I’ll have a cup in the morning sometimes, but that’s usually it,” said the precious flower, who tried and tried to keep his eyes closed but remained wide awake from the itty-bitty beverage he had 10 hours earlier. “I knew I shouldn’t have had any during the afternoon meeting, but I was just feeling so out of it.” At press time—oh no!—the darling little angel was getting a big tummy ache.
Restaurant Patrons Rapidly Losing Faith Parents Going To Do Something About 4-Year-Old #~# SARATOGA, CA—Casting numerous glances at the table of three, patrons at Gallo’s Italian Restaurant were said to be rapidly losing faith Monday that a nearby couple would do something about their 4-year-old son. “He’s run up and down the length of the restaurant, like, four times already, all of which seemed like pretty good opportunities to step in,” said customer Sharon Wittsack, adding that her pessimism regarding the likelihood of intervention only increased upon noticing the parents fully engaged in conversation despite their child jumping up and down on the cushion of their booth. “If they haven’t acted by this point, I don’t see why they’d suddenly start now. I think we’re just going to have to put up with it.” At press time, customers told reporters that after half an hour, they were also quickly losing faith that the manager would make his way over.
Antidepressant Can’t Believe It’s Expected To Fix This Mess All On Its Own #~# SEATTLE— Stunned and dismayed that it will have no assistance in treating the serious mood disorder, the antidepressant Prozac cannot believe that it is being asked to fix this mess entirely on its own, sources said Wednesday. “I’m seriously supposed to go in there and turn around years of hopelessness without any backup whatsoever,” said the exasperated twice-daily 10-milligram SSRI, adding it simply could not believe it would have no support from moderate exercise, a healthy diet, or a dedicated psychotherapy program. “The plan is for me, all by myself, to do this without any aid from mature coping skills or a support system of loved ones—is this what you’re telling me? Oh, and let me guess, I’m not gonna get an assist from a reasonable sleep schedule either.” At press time, the drug was getting more help than it needed from alcohol.
Anti-Vaxxer Group: Staple Vaccine Warnings To Halloween Candy #~# The National Vaccine Information Center, an anti-vaccination advocacy group that believes vaccines may be linked to autism and other childhood disorders, has reportedly encouraged parents to tape vaccine warnings to the Halloween candy they give out to neighborhood kids. What do you think?
Man’s Heart Stops As Speaker Asks Audience To Turn To Person Next To Them #~# BLOOMINGTON, MN—Attending a corporate leadership seminar at a local hotel conference center Wednesday, area sales director Mark Nellis reportedly felt his heart stop when a workshop speaker asked audience members to take a moment and turn to the person next to them. “Oh, God, she’s going to make me talk to this guy,” Nellis said to himself, appearing visibly agitated as he realized he would soon have to engage in an uncomfortable, wholly unnatural exchange with the stranger to his right, perhaps writing down a list of career goals or participating in some sort of management-oriented game. “What if I have to fill a whole five minutes sharing something unique about myself? Fuck. I just hope she doesn’t make us speak in front of the whole group about what we learned from each other.” At press time, sources confirmed a wave of panic appeared to wash over Nellis as the speaker told everyone to remember their exchange, as they would be returning to it later on.
LeBron James Relieved To Finish Filming NBA Season #~# CLEVELAND—Admitting that the grueling three-month-long shooting schedule takes a significant mental and physical toll on all 30 teams across the country, Cleveland Cavaliers power forward LeBron James expressed his relief Tuesday at having finally finished filming the 2014-15 NBA season. “Taping all 82 regular season games and the playoffs over just 12 weeks is definitely a grind, so we’re all really looking forward to some time off,” said James, adding that, because games are not filmed chronologically, the Cavaliers spent over a month on location playing each of their away series before returning to Cleveland to complete the remaining half of their season. “It gets pretty tiring, especially because on Fridays we always film two home games back-to-back in order to reduce costs. That said, I don’t want to reveal too much, but they just wrapped the last game of the NBA Finals last night, and I think this will go down as one of the best seasons the league has ever put out. I can’t wait to see everyone’s reaction when they watch it.” While refusing to comment on speculation regarding specific games or series, James did hint that NBA fans will “really enjoy” the way Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant’s season ends.
Rite Aid, CVS Block Apple Pay In Stores #~# A week after the release of the highly anticipated Apple Pay system, which allows iPhone owners to use their phones as credit cards, CVS and Rite Aid quietly blocked the service in their stores to make way for a rival payment system. What do you think?
Report: 79% Of World’s Attics Remain Unexplored #~# ITHACA, NY—Describing the vast, undisturbed regions as one of the last true frontiers on the planet, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Cornell University has found that at least 79 percent of the world’s attic space remains unexplored.
The Cost Of Raising A Child #~# According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college. Here is a breakdown of the most common child-care expenditures:
I Don’t Support Feminism If It Means Murdering All Men #~# Like any other socially conscious woman, I am a firm believer in gender equality. Ending workplace discrimination, making reproductive health care affordable—I’ve championed these goals my whole life. They’re important to me, and that’s why the feminist movement frustrates me so much. I’m sorry, but I simply cannot and will not support feminism if it means murdering all men.
Town Selling Police Badges For $1,200 #~# According to a report in the online news website Vocativ, the police department in the small town of Oakley, MI is allowing residents to become “reserve police officers” for $1,200, giving them a badge, bulletproof vest, and gun. What do you think?
Pathetic, Washed-Up Rock Star On Fifth Decade Of Doing Exactly What He Always Wanted #~# DETROIT—Peter Wolf, a pitiful, has-been rock musician who hasn’t had a platinum record since 1981, has now spent more than 40 happy years doing exactly what he always wanted, reports confirmed this week. “It’s so sad to see that guy still out on tour after all this time,” a source said of the washed-up loser who has been able to walk out on a stage multiple nights a week for more than four decades and play music of his own creation while being cheered on enthusiastically by a paying audience. “When was that guy’s last hit anyway? Thirty years ago? God, it’s embarrassing.” At press time, the fans in attendance at the pathetic old artist’s latest show were reportedly singing along, word for word, with a song millions of people know by heart.
Job Applicant Blows Away Interviewer With Intimate Knowledge Of Company’s ‘About Us’ Page #~# SEATTLE—Following an interview this morning during which job applicant Joshua Meyer described his admiration for the way Incite Analytics integrates a creative mindset with a business-minded approach, sources within the local marketing firm said they were “completely blown away” by the prospective employee’s extensive knowledge of the company’s “About Us” webpage. “I have to say, Joshua seemed to have a really firm handle on our values and goals as a company,” said human resources manager Rebecca Clifton, admitting that she was also “pretty floored” by Meyer’s ability to name the exact year the firm was founded and where its original headquarters were located. “He referred to us as a pioneer in the digital marketing industry and was aware that we help our clients maximize opportunities in a changing media landscape. He even knew about our core partnerships with market leaders like Acquia and Target. All around, he’s a pretty remarkable candidate who really seems to understand what we do here.” Clifton added that Meyer further managed to “knock her socks off” by providing short biographies of each member of the company’s executive leadership team.
Man Reminisces About Innocent Comforts Of Previous Video Game Level #~# NEWARK, DE—Admitting that he couldn't help but smile when looking back on those simpler times, 28-year-old Smite player Devin Lyons told reporters Wednesday that he often finds himself reminiscing about the carefree pleasures and innocent comforts of the video game’s previous level. “When I think back to when I was a level 5, it’s hard to believe that my greatest challenge was just making it past an enemy’s Anubis to take down their team tower,” Lyons told reporters, fondly recalling the free and easy days when fighting off an opposing team’s minions was the only immediate attack he had to worry about. “Now, of course, I’ve accumulated enough ability upgrades and sufficient gold to buy powerful items, but every so often I remember that initial rush I felt the first time I beat a ranked player, back when simply killing a phoenix seemed like such a pipe dream. Things are so different now; I guess I should have cherished those days a little more when I had the chance.” Lyons added that, despite all his warm memories of prior levels, he still can’t believe it took him so long to figure out how to kill the Fire Giant and vowed not to let his children make the same mistakes he did
Jon Gruden Shares Weird Childhood Story About Spying On Naked Brother #~# DALLAS—Midway through tonight’s Monday Night Football game between the Washington Redskins and Dallas Cowboys, ESPN commentator Jon Gruden reportedly shared a bizarre and totally unprompted two-minute-long story about secretly watching his younger brother, current Redskins head coach Jay Gruden, undress as a child. “I’ll tell you what, when we were kids I hid in Jay’s closet for what must have been an hour, just waiting for him to come back to his room from the shower so I could see him without any clothes on,” Gruden said to a seemingly stunned and utterly silent Mike Tirico as the game continued on screen. “He was looking great even as a 10-year-old, and I just sat there—dead quiet and not moving a muscle—staring at him through the little slits in the closet door. What can I say, it was just exhilarating, watching your little brother totally naked without him knowing. It’s still so vivid in my mind— the sight of his small, supple body as he toweled off, put on clothes, and then played with his action figures. To this day, I don’t think he knows about it, and my parents certainly never found out. I don’t know, maybe part of me wanted to get caught. Maybe part of me wanted him to open that closet door and find me crouched there in the dark. But look, I have no doubt Jay will get it right for the Redskins this season. He’s one heck of a football coach.” Following the conclusion of Gruden’s anecdote, sources confirmed that nearly 30 seconds of dead air passed before Tirico abruptly said, “Okay, third and short for the Cowboys,” and resumed the game’s commentary.
NY Governor: Ebola Quarantines Can Be Served At Home #~# Following pleas from the White House and medical experts, New York governor Andrew Cuomo said that medical workers who had contact with Ebola patients but don’t show any symptoms of the disease will be allowed to serve their quarantines at home instead of in hospital isolation units. What do you think?
Penn State Honors Legendary 2012 Legal Team During Halftime #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA—Recognizing their incredible contributions to both the athletic program and the school as a whole, Penn State University reportedly honored the legendary members of its 2012 legal team during halftime of Saturday’s football game against Ohio State. “Today, we are proud to celebrate those who delivered one of the greatest and most memorable legal performances in school history,” Beaver Stadium PA announcer Dean DeVore said as the group of waving middle-aged attorneys marched out to the 50-yard line to a resounding standing ovation from over 100,000 cheering fans. “These dedicated men and women worked tirelessly in the courtroom and together formed an ironclad defense that will be remembered for generations to come. Just as importantly, throughout their time here, they remained equally committed to the ideals and core values of Penn State. They truly represent all that it means to be a Nittany Lion.” Following the halftime ceremony, Penn State officials unveiled a 15-foot bronze statue of the illustrious litigators outside of the stadium’s Gate C entrance.
Grandfather Seems Proud Of How Many People Polio Killed #~# ALBANY, NY—Speaking with reverence about how rampant and devastating the disease once was, local grandfather Raymond Murphy reportedly appeared to be proud Monday of how many people were killed by polio during his childhood. “You probably don’t know much about it because now we have the vaccine, but back in my day, polio was a real big deal,” said Murphy, reportedly relishing the knowledge that, in 1952 alone, tens of thousands of Americans contracted the spinal cord infection and over 3,000 died from it. “My mother was scared to death one of us might get it. There was a kid at my grammar school who had to wear leg braces because of polio. Not even the president of the United States was safe from it.” At press time, Murphy became sentimental while explaining to his grandson about the pain and discomfort of being confined to an iron lung.
NFL Week Eight Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the eighth week of the NFL season:
4 Angels Banished From Heaven For Attempting To Unionize #~# THE HEAVENS—Describing their behavior as insubordinate and disruptive, heavenly authorities banished four angels from the Kingdom of Eternal Life this week for attempting to unionize, sources from the hereafter reported. “These four hardworking angels are only being punished because they exercised their sacred right to organize and make their ethereal voices heard,” said archangel Jophiel, an advocate for celestial workplace rights who is representing the ousted cherubim and seraphim as they demand greater compensation, limits on the number of divine messages they can be required to deliver without pausing for a break, and a standard retirement age of 5,600. “For eons, it’s been the job of these eternal guardians to watch over every soul on earth, and it’s about time they had someone who watches over them.” At press time, God announced that any angels joining a union will be dismissed for eternity and replaced with strikebreakers called up from purgatory.
Camel Cigarette Maker Bans Smoking In Offices #~# Officials for the tobacco company that makes Camel cigarettes announced they are banning employees from smoking in corporate buildings beginning next year, saying, “We’re just better aligning our tobacco use policies with the realities of what you’re seeing in society today.” What do you think?
45-Year-Old To Help Candidate Understand Youth Vote #~# FAIR OAKS, CA—In his effort to gain critical insight into the priorities and inclinations of millennials, campaign sources confirmed Monday that seventh district congressional challenger Doug Ose enlisted the expertise of a 45-year-old political strategist to help reach the youth vote. “Young voters in this country aren’t interested in lectures; they want a candidate who has a plan and will engage with them directly through social media,” said a man currently deep into his fifth decade of life, who was born during the first year of the Nixon administration and graduated from high school more than a quarter century ago. “Eighteen- to 29-year-olds aren’t watching TV; they’re on their phones and online. That’s where your message needs to be.” At press time, the man, who has been married 20 years and remembers watching the Berlin Wall fall during his sophomore year of college, was stressing the need to create a viral campaign ad.
Report: Cost Of Raising Neglected Children Still Low As Ever #~# WASHINGTON—In an encouraging sign for the nation’s most irresponsible parents, a report published Monday by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has found the cost of raising neglected children remains at a historic low. “While the overall cost of living has continued to rise, negligent child-rearing has shown no corresponding increase, with the price of leaving your kids home alone for a couple nights while you skip out of town to a Native American casino staying almost completely flat,” read a section of the report, which also cited the continued affordability of failing to enroll your children in intramural sports leagues because you’re too loaded to drive to practice. “For those who would rather indulge themselves than invest in their kids’ education, hobbies, or doctor’s appointments, the cost of caring for a child is little more than the monthly price of a cable TV package, which they can tell their son or daughter to sit down in front of for hours on end while they’re out on the town.” The report reminded negligent parents that the cost savings are even higher the sooner they are able to have their kids forcibly removed by Child Protective Services.
Crowd Outside White House Hoping To Catch Glimpse Of President Naked #~# WASHINGTON—Clamoring to get an unobstructed view across the South Lawn, a large crowd reportedly gathered outside the White House Friday hoping to catch a brief glimpse of President Obama naked. “While I’m here, it’d be really nice to just get a quick peek of the president, maybe changing in the master bedroom or coming out of the shower,” said tourist Ted Hamill of Flagstaff, AZ, one of hundreds standing outside the Executive Residence, shading their eyes, craning their necks, and keeping their cameras at the ready in hopes of getting even a short glance at the commander-in-chief in the buff. “Even if he’s not completely naked, it’d be cool just to get a decent look at Obama in his undershirt and boxers. Or maybe he’ll have a towel wrapped around his waist and nothing else. That would be a really great Washington D.C. memory for my whole family.” At press time, the crowd reportedly uttered a disappointed sigh at only seeing a fully nude Arne Duncan pass by the East Bedroom window.
TLC Producer Wants List Of 100 Fucked-Up Families On Desk By End Of Day #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Saying that he didn’t “give two shits” if they had to knock on the door of every trailer and halfway house in the country, TLC producer and programming director Mark Livingston reportedly told his staffers Friday that he expects to see a list of at least 100 fucked-up families on his desk by the end of the workday. “We’re up shit creek right now, so I need each one of you assholes rooting through every gutter in the goddamn Ozarks to find me a household of inbreds, addicts, or fat-as-fuck morons that we can put in primetime,” a visibly aggravated Livingston said to his staff following the cancellation of the network’s popular Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, stressing that the new families had better be “borderline brain-dead” and “messed up as all fuck.” “If they have 20 dipshit kids, that’s great. If they only have one greasy dimwit kid who can barely string a sentence together, that’ll work too. Hell, you get me some snarl-toothed family of backwoods idiots who all call their dad Papa Pig or some shit like that, and I’ll sign them immediately. Just find me some family of sewer people I can throw in front of the goddamn camera, got it?” At press time, Livingston was angrily telling his staffers that they could all find a new job wiping asses at the Disney Channel if they brought him one more suggestion for a morbidly obese teen mother.
Tips For Throwing The Perfect Halloween Party #~# Americans around the nation are buying costumes, stocking up on candy, renting scary movies, and decorating their homes for spooky Halloween parties. Here are some tips for throwing the perfect Halloween bash:
Parents Upset After Elementary Schools Cancel Halloween #~# Parents of children who attend two elementary schools in Connecticut are angry after officials canceled all Halloween activities out of concerns that they exclude kids who don’t celebrate the holiday. What do you think?
NYC Officials Assure Public Most Puddles Of Bodily Fluid On Streets Not Contaminated With Ebola #~# NEW YORK—Hoping to downplay fears of a potential Ebola outbreak in New York City, health officials assured residents Friday that most puddles of bodily fluid found on the streets are not contaminated with the deadly Ebola virus. “I want to emphasize that the pools of vomit, urine, and other fluids people may notice as they walk around the city are very unlikely to be contaminated with Ebola,” said New York City health commissioner Dr. Mary Bassett, adding that such fluids, as well as occasional clumps of feces, were almost certainly not deposited onto the streets and sidewalks by an infected individual. “While we are confident that these substances are free of Ebola specifically, contact with them may pose other health hazards, so we encourage all New Yorkers to continue stepping over them as always. There is no reason for anyone to change their normal routine.” Bassett went on to say that any individual who displayed the symptoms indicative of Ebola should immediately refrain from discharging bodily fluids in public.
Boston Cruise Line Introduces New Whale Ramming Tour #~# BOSTON—Offering what they describe as an “unforgettable” opportunity to get “up close and personal” with the region’s marine life, sources confirmed this week that Boston-based cruise line Harbor Excursions has begun operating daily whale ramming tours.
Fantasy Football Week 8: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
Dogs Catch White House Fence Jumper #~# A White House fence jumper was apprehended by two Secret Service K-9 agents yesterday before he was able to reach the White House, the second intrusion onto the property since last month. What do you think?
Elderly Parents Staying Active By Frequently Going To Friends’ Funerals #~# PRESCOTT, AZ—Noting that the regular outings have improved the physical health and well-being of the aging couple, the children of Robert and Patricia Doyle told reporters Friday that their elderly parents were staying active by frequently attending their friends’ funerals. “It’s a nice excuse for them to get out of the house every few days, and Mom and Dad always seem to be more energetic whenever they head to one of their friends’ memorial services,” said daughter Alison Doyle, adding that the opportunities to converse with their remaining acquaintances at open-casket viewings were also helping to keep her parents’ minds sharp and alert well into their 70s. “I used to worry that they’d just be sitting around at this age, but they’re out there all the time meeting up with old friends at cemeteries and funeral homes. Honestly, my only concern now is that they might push themselves too hard. Sometimes it’s a pretty long walk for them all the way from the car to the gravesite and back, especially if they’re doing that two, three times a week.” Doyle, however, expressed concern that many of the benefits of her parents’ activity might be counteracted by the unhealthy cake and pastries served at their friends’ wakes.
Local Man Almost Finished Collecting Fantasy Football Winnings From 2005 #~# ROSELAND, NJ—Noting that most of his friends have now paid him the $20 they each owed him, local 29-year-old Matt Fanelli confirmed Friday that he is almost done collecting the full $200 prize from winning his “Cowher’s Stache” ESPN fantasy football league in 2005. “I had to keep reminding Andrew about it, but I finally got his share a few months ago, and then I remembered Dave bought me a sandwich in the summer of 2008, so I just counted that as his payment,” said Fanelli, adding that his college roommate Jerry Maynard—whom he hasn’t seen in six years and has since reportedly moved to Denver, gotten married, and started a career in real estate—still owes him $10 from the league buy-in. “I’ve emailed Aaron a few different times over the past eight or so years, and he always says he’ll definitely get the 20 bucks to me the next time we see each other. I just need to stay on top of it, otherwise I’ll get screwed over.” Fanelli added that he still plans to put his winnings toward buying a new Michael Strahan New York Giants jersey.
Get clarity on what the future holds so you can go back to worrying about costume ideas. #~# Brought to you by Intel
Report: UNC Inflated Grades, Created Fake Classes For Over 3,100 Students #~# An investigation at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill found that over the past two decades, the school created fake classes with “shadow curriculums” and no attendance requirements for more than 3,100 students, half of whom were athletes. What do you think?
Tinder Offering Premium Paid Service To Help Users Find Better Matches #~# The CEO of Tinder said the smartphone dating app will soon launch a paid premium service charging customers a fee for “more matchmaking powers,” including the ability to expand their search to other cities. What do you think?
What Privileges Do Student-Athletes Receive? #~# This week’s revelation that the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill inflated grades for thousands of athletes has shed light on the advantages that many college sports stars are given over other students. Here are some of the benefits and perks that student-athletes receive at colleges around the nation:
Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats #~# DALLAS—In an effort to cater toward customers seeking a slightly less revolting bus-riding experience, transportation giant Greyhound announced Thursday it is now offering its passengers premium upgrades to marginally less disgusting seats.
Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise #~# WASHINGTON—Calling it the most effective method for reaching one’s full earning potential, a report issued Thursday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute found that violently slamming one’s supervisor against a wall and shouting, “Cash! I need more cash!” remained the leading tactic for securing a raise. “Our research suggests that employees who have the most success in negotiating a pay raise stride confidently into their supervisor’s office, maintain eye contact as they pin him against a wall by his neck, and demand that he immediately start paying them more cash,” said the report’s lead author, Melanie Harrison, who noted the importance of clearly annunciating, “Give me cash now!” and, “Cash! Cash! Cash!” while slowly tightening one’s grip around their boss’s throat. “We also found that workers who were able to obtain the largest raises threw their supervisor back into his chair and plainly stated that they were not fucking around in the slightest.” Harrison went on to say that taking $100 out of a supervisor’s wallet, standing over his trembling body, and saying, “This is a good start” before tossing the empty billfold in his face usually secured an employee their desired raise on the spot.
Jets Amazed By Percy Harvin’s Willingness To Fight In Huddle #~# NEW YORK—Citing the 26-year-old’s relentless attitude and utter refusal to ever give in, New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan told reporters Thursday that the team has been amazed by newly acquired wide receiver Percy Harvin’s willingness to fight inside the huddle. “He’s only been with us for a few days, but Percy hasn’t been afraid to get in there and fight tooth and nail before every snap,” said Ryan, adding that his coaching staff has been “blown away” by the former Seahawks star’s intensity and aggression whenever coming up against his teammates on offense. “No matter what the circumstance, you can always count on Percy to be incredibly physical and really get in the faces of the quarterback and offensive linemen after a play has been called. The guy just won’t quit—he’s an absolute monster out there.” Ryan went on to express his pity for the Jets players who will face Harvin this Sunday, stressing that the receiver will be ruthless on every single down until taking himself out of the game midway through the fourth quarter.
Report: Advertisers Threatening To Pull Money Now The Only Remaining Way To Effect Any Change #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming that civic engagement, democratic elections, and other large-scale efforts had effectively ceased to have any influence, a report published Thursday from the Pew Research Center determined that advertisers threatening to pull out of a sponsorship deal is now the sole remaining means of bringing about change in the United States. “Whereas in the past, one could rally support around a cause and demand sweeping reforms at the local, state, or national level, the only scenario in which that could ever occur today would involve an organization finding itself at risk of losing some or all of its ad revenue and consequently making swift concessions to its sponsors,” said researcher Alan Kellerman, adding that the only recent instances of considerable change taking place in the country have come directly as a result of major brands publicly expressing their disappointment with their media partner’s conduct and warning that they could nullify a six-, seven-, or eight-figure deal effective immediately. “However, provided that a company such as PepsiCo, Chevrolet, or Burger King believes its brand image is being damaged through an advertising partnership, there is simply no limit to the comprehensive, sweeping changes that could almost instantaneously take place.” While noting that advertisers alone possess the power to inspire progress, the report went on to confirm that such companies rarely, if ever, actually follow through on their threats.
Scientists Announce Today Best Time To Look Directly At Sun #~# TUCSON, AZ—Citing an ideal absence of obstructive cloud cover, scientists at the National Solar Observatory announced that today will be one of the best times for people to look directly at the sun. “From approximately 1:45 p.m. to 3:45 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, people living in the Northern Hemisphere will have a magnificent opportunity to look straight into our closest star,” said NSO director Valentin Pillet, adding that everyone in the United States should be able to enjoy the astronomical event just by looking up at the sky and directing their gaze to the most intensely bright object they can find. “The best way to take advantage of today’s sun is to keep your eyes wide open—squinting, or even blinking, can compromise the view—and to avoid unnecessary filters such as sunglasses, which diminish some of the most impressive features of the solar surface.” For those who miss the sun today, Pillet said scientists were optimistic that it would make another appearance within most Americans’ lifetimes.
Sleeping Airline Passenger Misses Out On Aisle-Wide Bacchanalia Of Peanuts, Decaf Coffee #~# PALM SPRINGS, CA—Despite the bounty of packaged, salted treats being passed above his head and the brimful Styrofoam carafes of the richest aroma being enjoyed a mere 10 inches to his right, sources confirmed that sleeping airline passenger Rick Stovol completely missed out on the wild bacchanalia of peanuts and decaffeinated coffee occurring in his row Thursday. “I’ll have a decaf with cream and sugar,” said the passenger in seat 17D, who unlike Stovol savored her chance to sup upon the legume-abundant delights of the snack cart, lustily indulging in the rapturous culinary carousal shortly after the flight reached cruising altitude. “And can I have some water with ice, too, whenever you have the chance? Thanks.” At press time, sources confirmed that Stovol had awoken to the sounds of rustling snack bags and began frantically hammering the call button so as not to be excluded from the sumptuous profusion of dry-roasted delicacies surrounding him.
New National Park Caters To Business Travelers #~# PAICINES, CA—Hoping to encourage more busy professionals to visit America’s scenic natural areas, the Department of Interior announced this week the opening of Pinnacles National Park Express, the first federally designated preserve geared specifically toward business travelers. “It’s nice to finally have a simple, clean expanse of unspoiled nature where I can just pop in, enjoy looking at a couple of endangered condors, grab a quick breakfast and the day’s paper by a windswept escarpment, and then be on my way,” said Julia Miles, a Seattle-based businesswoman and a member of the National Park Service’s Majesty Points reward program, which offers frequent guests perks that include exclusive access to panoramic vistas and complimentary Wi-Fi anywhere within the park’s mountainous shrubland ecosystem. “When I’m traveling for work and visiting a national park, I want to be able to put together my presentation by a cascading waterfall, or use the business center in Bear Gulch Cave to sit in on a conference call. The cardio room overlooking the breathtaking rock formations is a nice touch, too.” According to officials, the Interior Department hopes to further cater to business travelers next year by opening Denali National Park and Convention Center, a pristine subarctic protected area featuring more than 4.7 million acres of conference space.
New Hobby To Tide Retired Man Over Until Death #~# WARNER ROBINS, GA—Saying that it should take up an adequate amount of the 67-year-old’s remaining time on earth, sources confirmed Thursday that local retiree Ned McDowell has chosen gardening as the hobby to tide him over until his death. “Right now, I just have a couple of peonies and some Russian sage, but I’d like to expand the plot over time,” said McDowell, referring to the activity that is expected to provide him just enough fulfillment and sense of purpose to get him through the approximately 18 years of his remaining existence. “It’s actually not as easy as some people think—there’s a lot to know about soil composition, and you really need to check up on the plants every day. But I really enjoy it, and hopefully this is something that I can keep up for a while.” At press time, sources confirmed a neighborhood florist was answering McDowell’s questions about the subject matter that will keep him occupied as his heart slowly works its way toward cardiac arrest.
Report: Average Consumer Puts Blind Faith In 87 Corporations Per Day #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that consumers make inherently trusting decisions every few minutes, a report released this week by the Bureau of Consumer Protection has found that the typical American puts blind faith into an average of 87 corporations each day. “Whether filling prescriptions, ordering from a fast-food menu, or using electronics, we found that an average subject places their full trust in the hands of massive profit-hungry conglomerates they know practically nothing about on a near-constant basis,” said lead researcher Patricia Lowenson, noting that Americans felt comfortable entrusting their mental and physical well-being to chemical, agribusiness, plastics, transportation, meat processing, and automotive corporations an average of five times every waking hour. “Even when buying groceries or household products, at no point does it ever cross the mind of the average consumer to look past seemingly innocuous claims on a product’s packaging and consider an item's ingredients or methods of creation—that is, if they even read the packaging in the first place, which is rare.” Lowenson also noted that the average American puts their blind faith into an average of 140 stabilizers, preservatives, and other chemical compounds every bite.
Toys ‘R’ Us Pulls ‘Breaking Bad’ Action Figures From Shelves #~# Toys ‘R’ Us announced it will no longer sell action figures depicting characters from Breaking Bad, the AMC hit television show about a chemistry teacher turned meth dealer, after a Florida mother launched an online petition stating that the dolls are inappropriate for children. What do you think?
Pueblo Indians Can’t Keep Pace With Area Mom’s Appetite For Earthenware #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Claiming that the 56-year-old’s desire for authentic Native American ceramics is insatiable, local Pueblo artisans confirmed Wednesday that they can’t keep pace with area mother Shelly Burke’s ravenous appetite for earthenware. “She’s just relentless—my entire inventory is down to pretty much nothing. How many bowls does this woman need?” said Sandia tribe pottery maker Teresa Otero, insisting that there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to handcraft the number of clay pots necessary to satisfy the mother of three’s inexhaustible cravings. “She shows up several times a week, sees the pottery, says it’s adorable, and snaps up every piece we’ve got. It was one thing when she was just putting them in her living room, but now that she’s giving them away as gifts, we’re spread way too thin. Honestly, I haven’t seen my family in a week.” At press time, Otero reflexively tensed up as a visibly delighted Burke approached a table filled with ceramic storyteller dolls.
Area Man Released After Being Wrongfully Employed For 9 Years #~# RICHMOND, VA—In response to mounting evidence showing that he never should have been in there in the first place, administrators at KDM Marketing officially released 34-year-old account manager Alex Olmstead today after nine years of being wrongfully employed. “After nearly a decade inside KDM’s sales division with absolutely no justifiable cause, Alex has finally been let go,” said coworker Jason Woodworth, adding that a vocal and passionate contingent of people familiar with Olmstead’s situation have been advocating for his release on grounds that he had never done anything to warrant his continuous employment at the marketing firm since early 2006. “Honestly, it’s been a long time coming—he didn’t deserve to be there for a day, let alone nine years. The fact that he was in that position to begin with is a terrible indictment of the entire hiring system that somehow allowed this to happen. But he’s out now, and hopefully he can just move on with his life at this point.” Reached for comment, Olmstead told reporters he plans to spend time with his wife and two children, but expressed concern that he might never be able to find stable work in the future given his record.
Curt Schilling’s Family Urges Him To Finally See Doctor About Bleeding Ankle #~# MEDFIELD, MA—Insisting that his prevailing injury could be serious, family members of retired baseball pitcher Curt Schilling reportedly urged the former Red Sox starter Wednesday to finally visit a doctor about his wounded right ankle, which continues to bleed 10 years after Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS. “[Wife] Shonda and the kids keep telling me I need to get this thing checked out, but I don’t really see what the big deal is,” Schilling said of his perpetually hemorrhaging ankle, which sources confirmed has trickled an uninterrupted stream of blood without clotting since the legendary playoff game a full decade ago. “I do wake up every morning to find the bottom of my bedsheets stained with blood, but look, I can still walk on my right foot all right. It’s just one of those old baseball injuries, you know? Nothing to worry about.” Schilling went on to say that unless it’s an absolute emergency, he has generally been reluctant to see any doctor ever since he lost his health insurance upon retiring from baseball in 2009.
New Census Study Finds That 40% Of U.S. Population Is Filler #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that a sizable cross-section of Americans exist solely to round out the nation’s general population, a new study released Wednesday by the Census Bureau found that a full 40 percent of U.S. citizens are just filler. “Our data indicates that roughly 126 million people in this country essentially serve to just take up some space between the others,” said Census Bureau spokesperson Olivia Johnson, adding that at least 15 states have functioned as nothing more than cushioning for the rest of the country from the moment they were admitted to the union. “The United States is a large country, and our research shows that two out of every five Americans are really just fluff to fill in the gaps around more valuable citizens.” Johnson went on to say it was unclear whether the U.S. as a whole was doing anything more than padding out North America.
Second-Grader Likes To Save Purple Pills For Last #~# FARMINGTON, MO—Outlining his lunchtime medication regimen, local second-grader Brandon Ross explained to reporters Wednesday that he likes to save his purple pills for last. “The purple ones are my favorites, so I put them over to the side and take them at the very end,” said Ross, 7, noting that he typically starts out his daily course of prescription drugs by taking both of his green pills, followed by popping all of his light blue tablets into his mouth at the same time. “I also have a bunch of red-and-yellow ones, and sometimes [classmate] Tyler [Erickson] shares one of his orange pills. Those are good.” Ross added that the only part of his prescription drug routine that he dislikes is the “weird pink ones,” which he immediately removes from his pill case and throws into the trash.
Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instructions.
Man’s Whole Job Undoing Handiwork Of Self-Checkout Machine #~# SIOUX FALLS, SD—Admitting that he basically just stands there until one of the stations starts blaring “unexpected item in bagging area,” local supermarket employee Andy Berenson reported Wednesday that his entire job consists of undoing the handiwork of the store’s self-checkout machines. “My whole shift is pretty much spent asking people to step aside as I swipe my employee card and clean up whatever mess the machine’s gotten itself into,” said Berenson, acknowledging that he is paid solely to assist frustrated shoppers whose items won’t scan correctly or fail to trigger the machine’s electronic scale, or whose rewards cards don’t register with the system. “Sometimes I have to coach a customer through the payment process or enter in a code just to let the transaction continue, but half the time I end up having to tell people to use a different machine because the one they’re using froze up.” Berenson went on to say that the sole purpose of the store’s manager appeared to be approving any transaction involving alcohol.
Facebook To Test Jet-Sized Wi-Fi Drones By 2015 #~# Facebook officials announced intentions to test out Wi-Fi–equipped drones the size of jumbo jets by 2015 as part of an effort to make wireless internet available to the two-thirds of the world’s population that lacks internet access. What do you think?
Midterm Candidates Distancing Selves From United States #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to avoid any association with a country whose approval rating has hit an all-time low among voters, the entire field of 2014 midterm congressional candidates is actively working to distance themselves from the United States, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Tips For Finding The Right Doctor #~# Every person has different needs and preferences when it comes to health care, which is why it’s essential to find a high-quality physician whom you trust and respect. Here are some tips for finding the right doctor:
Bud Selig Awoken From Cryosleep In Time For World Series #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Explaining that these are the roughly 10 to 14 days each year during which he is not resting in a controlled state of suspended animation, sources confirmed Tuesday that Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has been awoken from his sub-zero temperature cryosleep in time for the 2014 World Series. “We’re happy to announce that the commissioner has successfully emerged from cryonic hibernation and is incredibly excited for this year’s matchup between the Royals and Giants,” said league spokesman Kyle Akerman, adding that Selig has spent his first few hours of consciousness listening to aides summarize the past season while he remained locked inside an airtight chamber set to 263.15 Kelvin. “Doctors have assured us that his blood has resumed circulation, and, despite a brief period of post-revival psychosis, his vital signs are now normal. We’re also confident that the carefully designed luxury suite at Kauffman Stadium will provide him with a controlled thaw throughout the first few innings of tonight’s game. Most importantly, though, Mr. Selig is just looking forward to watching these two great teams face off in a highly competitive and memorable best-of-seven series.” Akerman added that, as this is Selig’s last season as commissioner, the 80-year-old is not planning to attend another Fall Classic until he is slated to throw out the ceremonial first pitch of the 2230 World Series.
Led Zeppelin Accused Of Plagiarizing ‘Stairway To Heaven’ #~# A judge has decided to allow a lawsuit claiming that Led Zeppelin plagiarized its iconic song “Stairway To Heaven,” which has earned more than $560 million in sales and royalties, from a track by Spirit, a band it once played concerts with. What do you think?
Astronomers Celebrate 300th Anniversary Of Discovering Sky #~# PARIS—Commemorating one of the most important scientific findings in human history, astronomers around the world Monday celebrated the 300th anniversary of English physicist Edmund Weaver’s discovery of the sky. “We take this knowledge for granted today, but you have to understand that in 1714, people simply had no idea that anything else existed other than the earth’s surface,” said Norio Kaifu, president of the International Astronomical Union, noting that prior to the 18th century it was widely accepted among the scientific community that there was just more ground above them. “There was, of course, Galileo’s theory of Higher Earth, but Weaver had the bold mind to develop the innovative scientific discipline of looking up and taking note of what he saw. Through his meticulous observations he came to realize the sky’s existence. Tragically, though, he was ridiculed by his peers and branded a heretic by the Church of England. He died in the Tower of London, refusing to renounce his findings.” Kaifu pointed out that, despite Weaver’s discovery of the sky in 1714, it was not until the early 20th century that the concept finally achieved general acceptance.
New Election Ruling Allows Candidates To Remain Completely Anonymous Throughout Campaign #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that the measure is intended to protect politicians’ right to free expression against undue scrutiny from the general population, a new ruling implemented this week by the Federal Election Commission allows candidates running for public office to remain completely anonymous throughout the campaign process. “Candidates should be able to make themselves heard without having their identities, personal associations, and records on the issues exposed in the public eye,” said agency spokesperson Wayne Branson, adding that the new policy means congressional hopefuls can avoid being personally challenged on their agendas by opting to withhold their names and likenesses from all campaign material, television commercials, FEC filings, and public appearances. “The fact that political candidates are no longer under any obligation to disclose who they are will ensure a freer, more open electoral process. It is our belief that elections should be about ideas and plans for the country, not about who is saying them, what that person looks like, what their background might be, if they’re qualified, or what motives they might have.” Branson confirmed that elected candidates would then have the option to remain anonymous for the duration of their term.
Funeral Home Offering Drive-Thru Open Casket Lane #~# A funeral home in Michigan has opened an open casket drive-thru lane where mourners in cars proceed to a window to pay their respects to the deceased for three minutes before driving away. What do you think?
Your Ignorance Of Classic Horror Leaves You Woefully Unqualified To Run This Haunted House #~# Mr. Barnett, I am horrified, and not in a good way.
Flu Clinic Selling 2009 Version Of Vaccine For A Few Bucks Cheaper #~# OMAHA, NE—Saying that it probably still protects against a few strains of the virus going around this flu season, the immunization clinic at Nebraska Family Health Center is now offering doses of the 2009 influenza vaccine at a discounted price, sources confirmed Tuesday. “We had a bunch of the older stuff sitting around that we didn’t want to see go to waste, so we figured why not offer it for a few dollars cheaper,” said clinic nurse Jeanette Coleman, remarking that the older vaccines probably work “pretty well” when compared to those made for the 2014 season. “There are, of course, people who always like to get the latest version of whatever’s out there, but these five-year-old inoculations are a decent enough option if you’re looking to save a little money. To be honest, unless they see the date on the vial, most people can’t even tell the difference.” Coleman added that if a customer wants an even deeper discount, the clinic can administer the vaccine with a gently used needle.
Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO #~# NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom Holdings. “It just goes to show that if you lose your ambition, never put in the effort, and have no idea what you’re doing, you can steadily fall down the corporate ladder and reach the very bottom of a major company,” said the total dope, adding that the key to failure is being the first person to fuck up in the morning and the last person to fuck up at night. “Some people are born unlucky, but the rest of us have to slack off every single day to get noticed and earn those demotions. I’m living proof!” Kellerman added that if he keeps it up, he could soon be washing the windows of a top-floor corner office.
Media Stumped On How To Handle Missing Mixed-Race Woman #~# WASHINGTON—Struggling to find an appropriate response to a delicate situation, members of the American news media admitted Tuesday that they remained stumped on how exactly to handle the case of missing mixed-race woman Alison Johnston. “On the one hand, she’s fairly light-skinned, but on the other, she actually has a black parent, so we’re really at a loss about what to do here,” said USA Today deputy editor Bob Roe, adding that it was entirely up in the air whether to cover the biracial 21-year-old’s abduction as a heartbreaking tragedy worthy of national coverage or a run-of-the-mill disappearance deserving a single 200-word brief. “I mean, it’s tough, because if she were 100 percent black, we’d obviously just bury her way back on E6. There definitely wouldn’t be talk about using her on the front page, you know? But this half-white situation is really making us second-guess everything.” Roe went on to say that, in the end, Johnston would probably be young and attractive enough to put her over the top.
Man Coasting Through Life Entirely On Benefit Of Doubt #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Despite a long list of intractable character flaws, local account executive Jeremy Gorstal has coasted through the first 32 years of his existence solely on the benefit of the doubt, sources reported this week. “Jeremy’s hit a rough patch, but he’ll turn it around soon,” Allied Advertising sales director Alice Crenshaw rationalized to reporters Monday after Gorstal mistakenly deleted crucial company data, an incident that came one month after he was forgiven for forgetting his father’s birthday and just days after his girlfriend declined to break up with him because “he wants to change.” “I’ve always believed Jeremy has a lot of potential and that we should just give him a little latitude to adjust to his role, which I’m sure will happen in due time.” When reminded that Gorstal has accomplished almost nothing of merit, sources close to the man tentatively agreed, but suggested that he simply hasn’t been provided enough opportunities.
Pope Francis: ‘God Is Not Afraid Of New Things’ #~# After a two-week conference with bishops to discuss controversial social issues, Pope Francis called for a more accepting attitude toward gays and divorced people, saying, “God is not afraid of new things.” What do you think?
NFL Week Seven Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the seventh week of the NFL season:
Nurse Being Treated For Ebola Impressed With Health Workers’ New Gear #~# DALLAS—Admiring the personal protective equipment shielding her caregivers from the deadly virus, a nurse receiving treatment for Ebola told reporters Monday that she was very impressed with the medical workers’ newly issued biohazard gear. “Wow, I only had the flimsy gown that exposed several inches around my neck, but this guy’s decked out in a really nice full-body suit that covers everything,” said the infected nurse, who was particularly taken by the updated gear’s sealed hood, large apron, rubber boots, and second pair of surgical gloves, which are now recommended by the CDC for all hospital staffers treating patients exposed to the disease. “Sure, the surgical mask I had seemed great at the time, but the brand-new breathing pack and air filtration system my nurse was using really take the cake. It’s cool to be one of the first people to see this high-tech equipment.” The nurse confirmed she was most impressed with the new protocols for removing the biohazard gear, which reportedly involved more than tossing the protective clothing in the hospital’s laundry bin.
Man Now Too Exhausted To Repress Both Anger And Sadness #~# SAVANNAH, GA—Admitting he no longer had the energy to keep his negative emotions completely in check, local man James Franklin told reporters Monday that he was now too exhausted to repress both his anger and sadness. “I think I can keep one of them down, but there’s no way I’m gonna keep both of them bottled up,” said Franklin, adding that he had now arrived at the point where he had no choice but to fully experience one of the two emotional states he typically suppresses at all times. “I’m just going to concentrate on holding my anger back and kind of let the sadness flow. Then I’ll circle around and tamp that down when I’m less tired.” At press time, a morbidly depressed Franklin was convinced he made the wrong decision and was growing angrier and angrier.
Monsanto Harvest-Resistant Corn Now Engulfing Most Of Midwest #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—Wreaking untold environmental and economic devastation throughout the region, a strain of harvest-resistant corn engineered by the agrochemical company Monsanto is now engulfing most of the Midwest, officials confirmed Monday.
After Careful Thought, Teen Applies To College Where Family Donated Building #~# CORAL GABLES, FL—Saying that she had given the decision considerable thought, local high school senior Katie Simmons told reporters Monday that she would be applying to Bristol College, a school where her family had donated funds for a new 50,000-square-foot library. “There are so many great choices out there, but I feel like I should at least consider Bristol,” said the 17-year-old, noting that while she would like to go somewhere that has a strong academic reputation and a vibrant social scene, it couldn’t hurt to apply to the institution where her family handed over the largest single gift in the school’s history to construct a new state-of-the-art library and digital media center. “Bristol’s a pretty good school, and I could definitely picture myself there, so I guess there’s no harm in filling out the application, right?” Simmons added that she was keeping her options open by also applying to the school whose president plays golf with her dad once a month.
Tracking Ebola In The U.S. #~# With eight confirmed cases of the highly fatal Ebola virus in the U.S. and revelations that health care workers potentially exposed to it have traveled on passenger flights and cruise ships, fears that the disease will spread across the country have grown. Here is an up-to-date map that can help you track the proliferation of Ebola across the United States:
Company Turns Loved Ones’ Remains Into Memorial Diamonds #~# A Swiss company called Algordanza uses an extreme heating and pressure process to turn a loved one’s cremated remains into synthetic “memorial diamonds” that can be made into jewelry. What do you think?
Report: Nation’s Concept Of Breakfast Rapidly Deteriorating #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that what now passes for the first meal of the day would have been unrecognizable a generation ago, a report released Tuesday by the Academy Of Nutrition and Dietetics revealed that the nation’s concept of breakfast is rapidly deteriorating. “Our research suggests that citizens’ collective idea of breakfast has completely broken down in recent decades to include such items as three-day-old lo mein straight from the carton, a single packet of string cheese, or a handful of candy from a communal bowl left out in the reception area of one's workplace,” said the report’s lead author Karen Whitman, citing evidence that many full-grown adults across the country now count as little as 8 ounces of liquid, or in extreme cases, nothing at all, as their breakfast. “Throughout our study, we encountered many Americans who once routinely paused to eat a nutritious meal before work or school, but who now regularly start their days by quickly shoveling packaged snack cakes into their mouths while standing directly over a garbage can or sink. It's stunning to consider that these disturbing acts and the shocking food items consumed are actually referred to as breakfast by millions of people.” Whitman added that the severe degeneration of breakfast as a concept was matched only by Americans’ sharply escalating expectations of what comprises a Sunday brunch.
CBS Follows HBO With Stand-Alone Subscription Service #~# After HBO announced it would offer viewers the option to purchase an online pass to the network without subscribing to cable, CBS stated it would follow suit with the stand-alone CBS All Access subscription service. What do you think?
Study: Marriages Between Perfectly Matched Couples Should Still Only Last About 15 Years #~# ORLANDO, FL—In a new study released Friday that challenges contemporary notions of marital satisfaction, researchers at the University of Central Florida found that unions even between perfectly matched couples should only last around 15 years. “Contrary to the traditional idea of ‘until death do us part,’ our findings indicate that partners compatible in every way should nevertheless be married no longer than a decade and a half,” said lead researcher Dr. Hank Grossman, adding that the physical and emotional intimacy of marriage is “more or less fully depleted” by the 15-year mark, even among two people who could not have found a better fit than each other. “The data suggests that the most personally fulfilled, satisfied couples—those who consider their partner their soulmate—choose to part ways before codependency or feelings of entrapment emerge. It’s fair to say that any marriage lasting more than 15 years is almost certainly a product of serious dysfunction.” Grossman added that 15 years was the uppermost limit, and that two people who were truly meant to be together may exhaust their relationship in half that time.
Fantasy Football Week 7: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
Populist Candidate Gaining Support Among Underrepresented Corporations #~# WASHINGTON—Explaining that his grassroots campaign appeals to a large number of publicly traded firms from a diverse array of industries, political observers confirmed Friday that populist Texas Senate candidate Sean Rogers continues to ride a wave of support from his state’s many underrepresented corporations. “By presenting himself as an alternative to politicians in the pocket of the high-profile, blue-chip establishment, Rogers has found a way to tap into the frustrations and concerns of the many ordinary corporations that have long felt alienated by the political process,” said political science professor David Thorne of Stanford University, noting that, rather than relying on large donations from a few elite companies, Rogers’ campaign has focused on collecting contributions from a much broader base of firms that can often give just $10,000 or $50,000. “After years of being ignored in favor of corporate giants like Wal-Mart and ExxonMobil, many of these ordinary public companies believe Rogers will ensure they finally have a voice in Washington. He has proven that he understands what it’s like to be from outside the Fortune 500, and frankly, when these regular corporations look at him, they see a little bit of themselves.” Thorne cautioned that Rogers’ biggest obstacle remains fighting the perception that he is merely preying on the fears and desperation of the average multinational masses.
Jimmy John’s Requiring Sandwich Makers To Sign Non-Compete Clause #~# Sandwich chain Jimmy John’s has been requiring employees to sign a non-compete clause prohibiting them from making sandwiches at competing restaurants that sell “submarine, hero-type, deli-style, pita and/or wrapped or rolled sandwiches” in order to safeguard trade secrets. What do you think?
New Carpet Cleaner Safe For Pets That Were Meant To Go On Living #~# RACINE, WI—Touting its powerful, partially non-toxic cleaning agents, household products manufacturer SC Johnson released a new carpet cleaner this week specially designed to be safe for pets that were meant to go on living. “StainStop’s patented formula will remove dirt from any carpet, and, best of all, it’s 100 percent safe for dogs, cats, and other pets that were destined to continue walking the earth,” SC Johnson representative Melissa Vaughn said, adding that the product also helped neutralize even the toughest odors without harming pets whose time to die had not yet arrived. “We want all our customers to know that if their furry friend is preordained to survive their housecleaning, then they have absolutely nothing to worry about. That’s our promise.” Vaughn went on to say that StainStop was equally safe for small children.
Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life #~# HYATTSVILLE, MD—With the harsh economic climate making it harder than ever to juggle the costs of two households, a report released Friday by the National Center for Health Statistics has found that more Americans are waiting until later in life to start a secret second family. “According to our data, married men with kids are increasingly likely to put off taking on a mistress in another state, setting her up in a place, and fathering additional children with her, at least until they become more established in their careers,” said NCHS director Charles J. Rothwell, noting that wage stagnation has made it more difficult for workers to command a salary sufficient to cover the mortgage on a second suburban home and fund two separate trips to Disney World each year. “It’s not uncommon these days for men to wait until they’re well into middle age before they start to live a secret double life. When you’re supporting six children spread across a thousand miles, you spend a lot of money just shuttling back and forth between both families under the pretense of business travel, let alone paying for double the Christmases and birthdays.” The study also found that, due to economic pressures, an increasing number of married men are electing not to start a secret second family at all, opting instead to lead a quieter life of routine adultery.
Hazmat Worker Sees No Reason To Throw Away All This Perfectly Good Food #~# DALLAS—Claiming he would hate to see a carton of unspoiled milk and an entire loaf of bread go to waste, hazardous materials removal worker Jonathan Parker reportedly saw no reason Friday to throw away perfectly good food while disinfecting the apartment of an Ebola-stricken patient. “This pork roast can’t be more than a couple days old,” said Parker, lamenting the idea that a large hunk of parmesan cheese, fine-looking grapes, and a full head of cauliflower would be destroyed and deposited in a remote biohazard disposal site. “These eggs definitely look like they’re still pretty fresh. And that container of yogurt doesn’t expire for three more weeks—and it’s blueberry, too.” At press time, Parker was reportedly spotted carefully placing several grocery bags full of snacks and fresh produce in the trunk of his car.
Man Surrounded By Loved Ones Feels Awkward Being Only Person Dying #~# BOSTON—Surrounded by his closest family and friends in his final hours, local man Doug Keller told reporters Friday that he felt a bit embarrassed to be the only person in his hospital room who was dying. “It’s pretty weird that it’s just me,” said Keller, 58, adding that he felt “a little on the spot” as the lone individual in the group who was about to succumb to pancreatic cancer and breathe his last breath. “I can tell they’re all focused on it. It’s just, like, hanging over everything. Everyone else is in decent enough health, and here I am slipping away. I feel like an idiot.” At press time, Keller was no longer feeling self-conscious despite being the only person on his way to the morgue.
Now you can see into your future. And it’s pretty darn scary. #~# Brought to you by Intel
‘Disaster Domain Dealer’ Selling Ebola.com For $150,000 #~# Jon Schultz, a “disaster domain dealer” who currently owns the rights to the websites birdflu.com and H1N1.com, announced that he is selling the internet domain Ebola.com for $150,000. What do you think?
TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder #~# LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act of murder. “Needless to say, the millions of viewers who saw, for the first time ever, one human take the life of another Wednesday night were left deeply disturbed,” said Stephen Atkinson of the Paley Center for Media, noting that while dozens of shows have made references to murder by either showing characters discover a dead body after the fact or implying a homicide was taking place by playing the sounds of gunshots occurring offscreen, no program had ever been so bold and provocative as to actually portray a cold-blooded killing in its entirety. “A few individuals are defending the show in the name of artistic freedom, but it appears that the vast majority of Americans have found the images of a man being gunned down right there on their TV sets to be an inexcusable violation of the rules of common decency. Several key sponsors have already pulled their support from the network, and given how far beyond the pale this truly was, I very much doubt that even an apology from the show’s creators will be enough to quell the public backlash.” Atkinson said he hopes that, at the very least, the incident will help spark a national dialogue on violence in the media and in American culture at large.
Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport #~# AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, sources confirmed Friday. “Have you been there? It’s gorgeous!” said Wingfield, 59, who also lavished praise on the airport’s clean restrooms and a manageable layout that did not require her to “walk halfway to China” to catch her connecting flight. “It’s got anything you’d want. I had a chef’s salad that was so good, I totally forgot I was in an airport. And the stores! If you lived close enough, I bet you could just shop here like a real mall—oh, you can buy a little cactus, too!” Wingfield went on to suggest that the bozos who run O’Hare should visit Phoenix and take plenty of notes.
Entire Conversation With Parents Spent Changing The Subject #~# SEATTLE—Deftly switching from topic to topic from the moment he answered his phone until ending the call 20 minutes later, local man Andrew Heltman reportedly spent the entirety of a recent conversation with his parents changing the subject. “Yeah, things are fine at work, the usual—but hey, aren’t you guys leaving for vacation soon?” said Heltman, 26, who while speaking to his father did nothing but redirect discussions of his career, personal finances, and political views to more innocuous areas such as the Kansas City Royals’ postseason run and Ken Burns’ recent documentary series The Roosevelts. “No, I’m still not sure what my plans are for Thanksgiving yet. You going to invite Aunt Jean? How’s she doing?” Once the phone was handed over to his mother, sources confirmed Heltman spent the remainder of the call steering the conversation away from his romantic life with repeated inquiries about the family dog.
Susan G. Komen Foundation Launches Deep Space Probe To Bring Breast Cancer Awareness To Rest Of Galaxy #~# DALLAS—In what is being hailed as its single most ambitious messaging campaign to date, the Susan G. Komen foundation announced Thursday it had launched its first deep space probe, part of an effort to bring increased breast cancer awareness to the farthest reaches of the galaxy.
Nation Struggling To Remember Why It Was Ever Mad At Roger Goodell #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they were at a loss as to what could have recently made them feel any anger and distrust toward the NFL commissioner, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that they are struggling to remember why they were at one point mad at Roger Goodell. “I can distinctly remember being outraged at Roger Goodell about something a few weeks back, but at this point, I honestly couldn’t tell you what it was,” said 36-year-old Pittsburgh resident Stephen Kreiser, who, like millions of football fans nationwide, was unable to put his finger on precisely what could have happened to cause him to question Goodell’s leadership and even go so far as to demand his resignation. “Maybe it had to do with a new rule change or something. I mean, if he had done something really terrible, it’s not like I would have just immediately forgotten it. Oh, well, I’m sure it was nothing.” Reached for comment, Goodell confirmed that it was in fact nothing.
Responsible Man Sets Aside Small Portion Of Every Paycheck For Bank To Gamble With #~# EDISON, NJ—Noting that it was the sensible thing to do at this point in his life, 27-year-old web designer Jonathan Elridge confirmed Thursday that he puts aside a small percentage of each paycheck for his bank to gamble with. “It’s really important to save money for the future, even if it’s just a little bit each month,” said Elridge, explaining that roughly $80 per pay period is automatically directed into a separate pool of funds that Bank of America proprietary traders use to continuously wage bets on complicated asset-backed securities and opaque financial derivatives with varying levels of risk. “I just want to make sure that over time, I slowly accumulate a significant amount of money that [some extremely well-compensated Wall Street speculators can indiscriminately throw around in what essentially amounts to a massive game of chance, for which they have zero accountability in any way, shape, or form]. Honestly, it’s just common sense.” While spending several minutes filing the paperwork necessary to increase his regular contributions to the fund, Elridge was reportedly unaware that his retirement savings had increased and decreased in value roughly 12,000 times.
Uber Receives ‘F’ Grade From Better Business Bureau #~# Amid numerous complaints from passengers, including unannounced price hikes and poor service, taxi app company Uber received a failing grade from the Better Business Bureau. What do you think?
Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents #~# CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials. “At approximately 10:45 a.m., a number of perpetrators were able to disable our security cameras and make off with Judith, Tom, and Sharon,” said museum president Douglas Druick, who described the elderly docents’ condition as fragile and called for heightened security around all remaining volunteer guides. “Many of these docents had been in our galleries for decades and were beloved by our patrons. Please, if anyone has any information as to their whereabouts, we just want to know, no questions asked.” At press time, a private detective hired by the museum had located one of the oldest and most admired of the missing docents in a private gallery in Switzerland.
Hero Of The Common Man Talks To Plumber For Entire Time He’s In House #~# SHIVELY, KY—Unafraid to mingle at length with an ordinary blue-collar worker, local media consultant Darrel Palmer, a true hero of the common man, reportedly spoke to plumber Pete Worlan through all 38 minutes of the repairman’s Wednesday morning visit to his home. “Busy day today, huh? Bet you get a lot of calls to fix corroded pipes in old houses like this one,” said the champion of the people, tossing aside class divisions and letting his true populist spirit shine on such topics as the weather, last weekend’s football game, and the type of vehicles he and Worlan drive. “What are these old pipes made of anyway? Looked like iron to me. Boy, you can’t see too many like that anymore.” Sources stated that after paying Worlan’s fee for the repairs, the unrelenting crusader for equality gave the plumber a firm handshake and told him to have a good one.
Doctors Document First Case Of Google Glass Addiction #~# Doctors in San Diego have reported the first case of Google-Glass-related “internet addiction disorder” in a 31-year-old man who wore the device 18 hours a day and only removed it to sleep and shower, leading him to check into a substance abuse rehabilitation program. What do you think?
Bitter Concession Speeches The Only Things Americans Looking Forward To In Upcoming Midterms #~# WASHINGTON—Calling them the only things remotely worthwhile about next month’s elections, the American public confirmed Wednesday that the dozens of bitter concession speeches to be given by losing candidates are the sole aspect of the upcoming midterms they are looking forward to. “Honestly, all that matters is that I get to watch some defeated politician stiffly read some remarks and offer a totally disingenuous congratulations to the victor,” said Des Moines, IA, resident Lindsey Abbot, one of the millions of American voters whose only consolation on election night will reportedly be finding out who will lose their composure as they apologize for letting down their supporters. “I mean, the election would be a total waste of time if not for that moment when the candidate has to go out on stage and tell all the people who worked so hard for him that he failed and that their shared dream is suddenly gone. I really don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t look ahead to a bunch of people half-heartedly chanting their candidate’s name to make him feel better.” Abbot added that she could probably put up with elections every single year if it meant getting to watch a candidate’s wife force a smile over his shoulder.
Report: More Americans Saving Money For Child’s Unemployment #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of being able to financially support their kids during one of the most significant periods in their lives, a growing number of parents are opting to put aside money for their children’s unemployment, a report published Wednesday by the Brookings Institution has revealed.
How Colleges Are Luring Top Students #~# Eager to enroll talented students and attract parents willing to pay top dollar for their child’s education, colleges across the nation are building new academic halls, installing wave pools and lazy rivers, offering free movie tickets, and more to attract top students to their campus. Here are ways colleges are luring in students:
Facebook Offers To Freeze Female Employees’ Newborn Children #~# MENLO PARK, CA—As part of their efforts to accommodate women who wish to delay parenthood, Facebook officials announced Wednesday that the company will offer financial assistance for female employees to freeze their newborn children. “We recognize the many challenges women face starting a family and balancing a career, which is why our company will provide extensive support to female employees who want to preserve their infant in a frozen state of suspended animation until they’re ready for child-rearing,” said Facebook spokesperson Mary Copperman, who added that the company would pay up to $20,000 for the cryopreservation procedure, which involves submerging a baby in a vat of supercooled liquid immediately after birth and storing the offspring in a specialized containment cylinder until the newborn is thawed. “Women deserve to have the option to postpone motherhood until they feel fully prepared, which is why Facebook will also cover the cryonic facility’s annual maintenance costs for as many years as our employees feel they need. And when the time comes, female employees can simply unfreeze their child and take advantage of our competitive four-month paid maternity leave.” Facebook also confirmed that the company would begin covering the costs of a procedure that involves freezing a female employee’s husband until he is emotionally prepared to be a father.
Jerry Jones Vows Cowboys Stadium Will Be Most Spectacular Ebola Quarantine Center Ever #~# DALLAS—Following news of a second confirmed case of Ebola in the city, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones assured local residents, as well as the nation at large, that AT&T Stadium is prepared to serve as the most spectacular Ebola quarantine center ever assembled. “Should a widespread outbreak occur, I am confident that Cowboys Stadium will be the most exciting and unforgettable triage unit in the history of modern medicine,” said Jones, confirming that all contaminated clothing will be properly incinerated in a jaw-dropping, 25-minute on-field fireworks show each night, and that patients will also be treated to a star-studded performance from a number of hazmat-suit-clad pop sensations. “Each of our 80,000 beds will have perfect sight lines to our state-of-the-art video board broadcasting live updates on the outside world, and of course we’ll also have several luxury wards available that will offer a full gourmet menu for those battling fatigue and blood loss. I look forward to showing the rest of the country that we do biohazard response just a little bit bigger down here in Texas.” Sources confirmed that parking spaces will remain at their current average price of $120.
High School Football Coach Unsure How To Tap Into Aggression Of Hormonal Adolescent Teenagers #~# FAIRFIELD, NJ—Saying he has been racking his brain all season to no avail, West Essex High School football coach Charles Seipp, 39, admitted to reporters Wednesday that he is struggling to find a way to tap into the aggression of his hormonally charged adolescent players. “I just wish I could somehow harness all the pent-up angst and hostility of these 14- to 18-year-old high school boys and then apply it to the sport of football,” said Seipp, lamenting that his team’s roster is almost entirely limited to large, physically fit young men full of frustration and anger they cannot control or even understand. “Honestly, I’m beginning to question if it’s even possible to channel their barely suppressible rage, self-doubt, and belligerence into hitting another player on the field as hard as they possibly can. I suppose it’s just one of the challenges of coaching at this level.” Seipp went on to say, however, that he has at least figured out a way to incorporate his own quick temper, penchant for yelling, and win-at-all-costs mentality into his job as a high school football coach.
Lifelong Dream No Match For First Brush With Adversity #~# DENVER—Despite calling it his dream job and spending years imagining how personally satisfying it would be to work in the field, Joshua Lucas told reporters this week that his lifelong goal to work at a major record label was no match for his first brush with adversity. “Ever since I can remember I’ve wanted to work at one of the big three record companies putting out music for bands I love, but when the slightest hurdle presented itself I realized it’s just not possible,” the 24-year-old said after receiving a brief email from Warner Music Group saying that he had been passed over for a job opening he applied to. “It’s difficult to let go of your ambitions, but when you’ve wanted something for so long, decide to go for it, and then run into a minor obstacle at the outset, you realize there are some dreams that aren’t meant to be. There are some odds you just can’t beat.” Lucas added that although his dream was ultimately dashed by this one setback, he was able to take some solace in knowing that the deck was stacked against him to begin with.
Man Realizes He Only One Of College Friends Falling Out Of Touch #~# ATLANTA—Having long assumed he and his four closest friends from college were simply drifting apart as they got older, local 30-year-old Brian Paulson told reporters Wednesday he has slowly come to realize he is the only member of the group losing touch with the others.
Flight Attendants Sue FAA To Reinstate Cell Phone Ban #~# The nation’s largest flight attendant union is suing the FAA to reinstate bans on cell phone use during takeoff and landing, arguing that smartphones distract passengers and inhibit the delivery of safety instructions. What do you think?
Study: NFL Referees May Be Biased Toward Disciplined Teams #~# HOUSTON—Shedding light on the suspected league-wide officiating trend, a new study published Wednesday by researchers at Baylor University has suggested that NFL referees may in fact display a clear bias toward disciplined football teams. “According to our analysis of officiating decisions over the past several seasons, referees do appear to distinctly favor teams that exhibit poise and play in accordance with NFL rules and regulations,” said lead researcher Randall Levitz, explaining that on-field rulings disproportionately punish teams that frequently jump offsides, engage in excessive celebrations, or shove opponents after a play is blown dead. “In any given game, for example, the team that repeatedly delivers cheap-shot late hits on the opposing quarterback is targeted for roughing the passer penalties far more often than the team that does not do that. And accordingly, maintaining focus and professionalism throughout all four quarters yields a distinct and, frankly, totally unfair competitive advantage.” The study went on to confirm that the blatant officiating bias has directly affected the outcome of virtually every game involving the Detroit Lions over the past five seasons.
Nation Demands More Slow-Motion Footage Of Syrup Cascading Onto Pancakes #~# WASHINGTON—Fed up with what they say is an incessant stream of advertisements for everything from automobiles to financial planning services, a frustrated American populace demanded more commercials featuring slow-motion footage of maple syrup cascading onto warm, golden-brown pancakes, sources confirmed Thursday. “All we’re looking for when we watch TV is to see rich syrup pour slowly from a spout high above a plate, fall gently onto a big, fluffy shortstack, ooze down the sides, and come to rest in sweet, gooey pools beside some bacon, sausage, and eggs,” said Missouri resident Joe Coombs, echoing the sentiments of all 317 million Americans, who additionally stressed that there was no limit to the number of replays or variety of camera angles they would watch of the syrup plunging onto the breakfast below. “We further demand a dollop of butter centered on top of the pancakes, preferably one that's beginning to melt and intermingle with the aforementioned syrup. This is what we want—nay, insist—to see for the entire two-to-three-minute break until our TV shows resume.” At press time, the nation as a whole could be seen flipping channels in an attempt to find the money shot.
Facebook, Apple Paying For Female Employees To Freeze Eggs #~# Facebook and Apple have announced that they will begin subsidizing egg-freezing procedures for female employees, allowing them to pursue their careers and have children later in life. What do you think?
Guard In Video Game Under Strict Orders To Repeatedly Pace Same Stretch Of Hallway #~# SIBERIA—Stressing that the edict had come down from the top commanders within the Russian military complex, a video game guard told reporters Tuesday that he was under strict orders to repeatedly pace the same stretch of hallway. “I was given specific instructions to continually walk down this 50-foot corridor, pause for a few moments at the end to inspect the wall, turn around very slowly, and return to the opposite end of the hallway, without ever straying from this routine,” said the guard, who reportedly complied fully with additional orders to leave his back exposed to several key air ducts and unlocked doors that could be accessed from outside the base. “It’s of the utmost importance to this compound’s security and the success of the mission that I closely follow the directive and never stray from my commanding officer’s explicit instructions. After all, if I shirk my duty in any way, an intruder could easily enter the next room, where one of my comrades is walking down an identical hallway in the opposite direction.” At press time, the guard had reportedly continued to follow protocol by shouting, “What was that?” at a disturbance, looking around in concern for several seconds, and then continuing on his way.
White House Removes Emojis From Millennials Report #~# The White House quietly removed emojis from a new report called “15 Economic Facts About Millennials,” which used icons of graduation caps, bags of money, and American flags to address college debt, after numerous news outlets reported that young people were insulted. What do you think?
There Were Just 2 Ways Out Of My Neighborhood: Basketball Or Anything Else You Wanted To Do With Your Life #~# A kid like me didn’t have a lot of options growing up. From the day you were born, you knew the deal. If you wanted to make something of yourself, if you wanted a better life than everyone else in the neighborhood, there were just two ways out: basketball or whatever else you wanted to do.
Man Thinks People Care Enough About Him To Be Let Down By His Failures #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he felt awful that he was upsetting those close to him, local 35-year-old Jared Cantor reportedly arrived at the mistaken impression Tuesday that people care enough about him to be let down by his personal failures. “My friends and family expect a lot from me, and I’m deeply disappointed that I didn’t live up to their hopes,” said Cantor, who somehow believed that others in his life had invested enough emotional energy in him to be disappointed by his recent breakup with his girlfriend of two years and the fact that he was recently passed over for a promotion at work. “I know I’ve made some mistakes and had some bad luck, but I don’t want anyone worrying that I need their help. Everyone’s already got their own problems to deal with, so the last thing I want is people feeling sorry for me.” At press time, Cantor was reportedly taking comfort in the erroneous idea that those around him would remember his past successes and were actively rooting for him to make good.
Researchers: Quality Of Sleep May Be Affected By Abandoning Family In 1994 #~# CHAMPAIGN, IL—According to a study published this week by researchers at the University of Illinois, an individual’s ability to get a good night’s sleep may be directly influenced by having made a decision 20 years ago to walk out on their family and never return. “In many cases, we found that chronic insomnia is strongly linked to reaching one’s breaking point on a winter evening back in 1994, waiting until everyone in the house was in bed, and then driving off into the night without looking back,” said study co-author Tim Liu, who noted a close correlation between erratic delta waves during stage 3 of the sleep cycle and not having spoken to your daughter since you tucked her in that night when she was 7. “Additionally, we saw that while nearly everyone who deserted their loved ones experienced some form of sleep loss, those who exhibited the most restless nights were the ones who told their new families they were off working on container ships 20 years ago instead of coming clean about the spouse and three children they left behind halfway across the country.” In a related finding, the researchers also concluded that individuals who carry on extramarital affairs with someone their spouse trusts sleep eight hours every night and always awake fully rested.
Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed #~# LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sources confirmed. “Well, what do you know—he really was carrying a gun,” said officer Dustin Hayes, smiling upon finding a 9mm pistol on the body of the 23-year-old individual shortly after the policeman and his partner discharged their firearms a total of 19 times. “I honestly had no idea if he had a handgun, so it’s pretty great to find one right there tucked into his waistband. This makes the rest of our week a whole lot easier.” Officers said they were further relieved after discovering the man had a petty theft charge on his record, ensuring they were 100 percent off the hook.
Last People Left At Party A Ragtag Assembly Of Friends Of Friends #~# PHILADELPHIA—Struggling to maintain the evening’s previous energy levels as they sipped on drinks and chatted aimlessly between long, silent pauses, a ragtag assortment of friends of friends were reportedly all that remained at host Josh Harnon’s house party by the early morning hours Saturday. “Tahini is what gives hummus its flavor, but you have to make sure to use the right amount or else it will taste too much like tahini,” said an acquaintance twice-removed from Harnon's core friend group to a fellow guest who was the girlfriend of Harnon’s former roommate. “I like tahini. I like the flavor it adds, you know?” At press time, Harnon was attempting for the sixth time to courteously imply to the assembly of barely affiliated holdouts that he was headed to bed.
Cities Around Nation Celebrate Indigenous Peoples’ Day #~# Cities around the U.S. have voted to recognize Indigenous Peoples’ Day as a non-official holiday on the same day as Columbus Day in order to honor the legacy of those who lived on the North American continent before the arrival of Columbus. What do you think?
Voters Excited To Use Midterms To Put Country Back On Different Wrong Track #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing dissatisfaction with the current course the country is taking, voters across the nation told reporters Monday that they are eager to use next month’s midterm elections to help put the United States back on a different wrong track. “We’ve been going down the wrong path for the past few years, and now it’s time to get some new people in there who can lead our country astray in a different direction,” said North Carolina voter Lisa Berkland, adding that Washington D.C. needed an influx of new misguided politicians with their own terrible visions for the country to change the manner in which the nation is veering off course. “It will take a lot of work to turn the country around and ensure a different type of horrible future, but I believe there are candidates out there who have the awful principles and ideologies to march into Washington and do it.” According to recent polls, the majority of Americans believe they can have the biggest influence over changing the wrong direction of the country by not voting.
North Korean Populace Already Mentally Preparing For Whatever Insane Bullshit They’ll Have To Do For Kim Jong-Un Funeral #~# PYONGYANG—Saying they were taking a deep breath and steeling themselves for the melodramatic public wailing and mass-scale processions they might soon have to engage in, sources confirmed Monday that the people of North Korea were already mentally preparing for whatever insane bullshit they will be made to do for Kim Jong-un’s state funeral. “Now that Dear Leader hasn’t been seen in 40 days, I guess it’s probably time to start getting myself ready to circle in lockstep with thousands of others around a 50-foot bronze bust of him for several hours while crying his name in anguish, or something like that,” said Pyongyang resident Bahn Lee, echoing the sentiments of his 25 million countrymen, all of whom were reportedly bracing themselves for the possibility of being forced to tear at their clothing, theatrically fall to their knees, and then be supported by bystanders as they each took their turn walking past Kim’s glass casket. “I just have to get into the right state of mind now for when I’m called on to stand motionless in the cold holding a banner bearing the Supreme Leader’s face while sorrowfully chanting his virtues in unison with thousands of others. Yeah, I think I can handle that kind of stuff for the official three-year mourning period.” At press time, the nation’s populace was trying to mentally work themselves up to don their official mourning jumpsuits and participate in a countrywide somber dance routine.
NFL Week Six Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the sixth week of the NFL season:
Genetics Emphatically Deny Playing Any Part In Area Man’s Body #~# TRUSSVILLE, AL—Attempting to distance themselves from the man’s outward appearance, the 46 chromosomes of local sales associate Peter Macon vociferously denied Monday that they had played a direct role of any kind in the present state of his physique. “Though it’s true we contributed a number of basic physical features early on, the condition of Peter’s body has long been out of our hands—this is completely on him,” said a strand of Macon’s DNA, explaining that, while it bore some responsibility for Macon’s overbite and male-pattern baldness, it could not be held accountable for the widening girth, sallow complexion, and double chin of a man whose every meal consists of either prepackaged, processed foodstuffs or an entire 16-inch delivery pizza. “We did our best to pass along traits that would predispose him toward healthy protein synthesis and muscle growth, but if Peter doesn’t get up from his recliner and exercise every now and then, there’s not much we can do to help him. We’re not the ones telling him to eat handfuls of shredded cheese as a snack and sit there watching 15 hours of Hulu every weekend.” The genes later conceded that what Macon is doing to his body didn’t actually matter at this point, as they were planning to kill him off through a congenital heart defect within the next few years regardless.
Group Of Friends Chanting ‘Shots’ Make Compelling Point #~# RENO, NV—Citing the undeniable cogency of their thesis, local bar attendee Vince Deremo told reporters Friday that his group of friends currently chanting “shots!” in unison do, indeed, make a compelling point. “Had they yelled ‘shots’ a single time—or fewer than 10 times—I would likely be left only somewhat convinced, but the fact that they emphasize this point repeatedly and at length certainly gives their argument more weight,” said Deremo, noting that his colleagues’ rhetoric was further supported when they began punctuating each vocalization of ‘shots’ with an accompanying clap. “And as their chanting grows progressively faster and louder, I find myself further drawn into their line of reasoning, to the point where I can see no flaw in the proposal as they’ve presented it. I concur wholeheartedly with this conclusion: Shots! I’m buying!” Deremo added that he was satisfied with the results achieved by the group, and looked forward to discussing more ideas with them in the future.
Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues #~# BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own psychological disorders. “It’s natural to want to help them as much as you can, but eventually you have to step back and give them the freedom to create their own hang-ups, issues, and complexes,” said the 37-year-old mother of three, explaining that she wants her children to be independent enough to think debilitating and self-defeating thoughts for themselves. “I’m not going to hover over my kids all the time just to make sure they have all the same anxieties I do. They need to have space to find their own obsessive-compulsive disorders, codependent relationship patterns, and addictive personality traits. After all, I won’t always be around to reinforce their pathological behaviors.” Eakins said she was impressed by her children’s progress thus far, as all three had already developed their own acute mother-child relational disorders.
Life Expectancy In U.S. Hits Record High #~# A new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows that life expectancy in the U.S. reached a record high of 78.8 years in 2012, with an average life expectancy of 81.2 years for women and 76.4 years for men. What do you think?
Chipper Coworker Must Have Eaten Breakfast Like Some Big Shot #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—Noting his upbeat tone of voice and the way he gave everyone he passed a showy little “good morning,” coworkers of local claims adjuster Ken Wohlen confirmed to reporters Monday that the insufferably chipper man must have eaten breakfast today like some big shot. “From the moment he walked through the door this morning, Ken has been strutting around smiling at people like he's some bigwig who started his day with a meal,” said fellow employee Kristen Farrar, who admitted to reporters she had only eaten a stale granola bar from her purse this morning as she sat hunched low in her cubicle trying to avoid any contact with the good-natured Wohlen. “Don’t even get me started on the pompous way he asked how my kids are doing or how cheerfully he wished the office manager a happy birthday—it’s infuriating. Someone really needs to take that breakfast-eating hotshot down a peg.” At press time, the highfalutin show-off was reportedly further exasperating his colleagues by staying fully alert and speaking up during a departmental meeting.
Malala Yousafzai Becomes Youngest-Ever Nobel Peace Prize Winner #~# The Nobel Committee named 17-year-old Malala Yousafzai one of its 2014 peace prize winners Friday, commending the Pakistani activist for her bravery in fighting for girls’ educational rights and making Yousafzai the youngest-ever recipient of the award. What do you think?
Pandering Nobel Peace Prize Committee Honors Global Harmony Again #~# OSLO, NORWAY—In what critics are describing as another shameless appeal to the global population’s appreciation for love, tranquility, and cooperation, the members of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee chose once again to pander to their audience and honor worldwide harmony, sources confirmed Friday. “Given the high-profile platform that committee members possess, it is extremely disappointing that they have yet again squandered their opportunity to make a bold statement and instead simply acquiesced to the populist pro-harmony views of the international public,” said Professor Dwight Stebbings of Cambridge University, adding that it was painfully obvious that the committee’s decision to celebrate goodwill was nothing more than a bald attempt to satisfy the masses. “Recognizing hope and mutual understanding was certainly the popular move, but that does not necessarily make it the right one. By commemorating fellowship amongst mankind simply because it is fashionable, they have only further diminished the value of this once-great honor. We should expect more from such a prestigious institution.” Stebbings added that he hopes the new faces on the committee next year will help them finally go in a darker, more daring direction.
Kim Jong-Un’s Absence Leaves North Korean Government Officials No One To Agree With #~# PYONGYANG—Explaining that the highest levels of government were currently in a state of disarray, international affairs experts confirmed Friday that the continuing absence of Kim Jong-un had left top-ranking North Korean officials with nobody to agree with. “North Korea’s Supreme People’s Assembly and National Defence Commission have effectively been brought to a standstill, as government figures have had no one to heartily concur with, repeat verbatim, and then congratulate for their careful thought and insight,” said Henry Lawrence of the Foreign Policy Research Institute, who noted that North Korea’s political, economic, and military structures are built around a regimented system of repeating the words “Yes, certainly” and respectful nodding. “As long as Kim continues to face health problems, this agreement vacuum at the top of the North Korean power structure could grow even more acute. It’s hard to see how this country can move forward much longer without someone whose views top bureaucrats can vigorously assent to while bowing.” Lawrence noted, however, that Kim’s absence over the past 37 days had afforded officials some much-needed time to catch up on a backlog of executions.
Fantasy Football Week 6: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
Ambitious New High-Speed Rail Plan Will Fly Americans To Japan To Use Their Trains #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to bring the United States’ transportation network “into the 21st century,” President Barack Obama unveiled an ambitious new high-speed rail plan Friday that will fly Americans to Japan in order to use the island nation’s extensive, state-of-the-art train system.
Coworkers Each Putting In Herculean Effort To Sustain Conversation For Entire Commute #~# CHICAGO—Pushing themselves to their mental limits as they plumbed the deepest recesses of their brains for suitable topics to discuss, coworkers Stephen Jones and Alan Madigan, who unexpectedly ran into one another on the subway Friday morning, each reportedly exerted a herculean level of effort to sustain their conversation for the entire 25-minute commute into work. “Barbara mentioned that we might be getting a new coffeemaker,” said Madigan to his colleague, as both expended near-superhuman amounts of psychological energy to recall any common interest or shared workplace experience that they could talk over with the other until arriving at their downtown office. “I thought the old one was fine. Yeah, so do you have any plans for the weekend?” After a seemingly interminable period of mentally strenuous back-and-forth, the pair reportedly struck on complaining about their other officemates, allowing them to keep the conversation moving along effortlessly for the remaining 11 minutes of the train ride.
Report: More NFL Stadiums Cutting Off Fights After Third Quarter #~# PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to improve fan safety throughout the country, sources confirmed Friday that an increasing number of NFL stadiums are now opting to cut off all fights after the third quarter of games. “Our fans are still free to fight throughout the first three quarters, but we’ve instructed staff to enforce a strict cutoff point to ensure that spectators cannot brawl anywhere within the stadium during the fourth quarter,” said Tom Brennan, facility manager at Lincoln Financial Field, adding that it is vital that ticket holders stop fighting well in advance of the game’s conclusion in order to have ample time to properly recover for their drive home. “We’ve also instituted a limit on getting into more than two fights at once, and we reserve the right to stop fans from fighting at any point if it looks like they’ve had too much. A lot of them unfortunately go a little overboard.” Though many stadium representatives claimed the new policies have improved safety, many observers have reportedly questioned the effectiveness of such restrictions, noting that fans are still allowed to fight freely in the parking lot before, during, and after games.
Killer Whales Able To Emulate Dolphin ‘Speech’ #~# A new study has shown that killer whales are capable of imitating the sounds used by bottlenose dolphins to communicate, with researchers observing that killer whales living in captivity alongside dolphins began using the same clicks, whistles, and pulsed calls exhibited by the aquatic mammals, a capability of “vocal learning” also exhibited by bats, some birds, and humans. What do you think?   
Keynote Speaker Enlightens Entire Generation With Theme That World Is Changing #~# NEW YORK—Sources at a leadership conference held Thursday at Columbia University reported that successful entrepreneur and guest speaker Adam Barnes radically altered the collective mindset of an audience of college students, as well as the thousands of individuals watching the speech simulcast on the internet, when he delivered his keynote speech contending the world is changing. “Too often we look at our surroundings and our everyday routines and see a world that appears fixed and rigid, but that’s a mistake, and let me tell you why: The world is not a static place—in fact, it’s quite the opposite,” Barnes said to the crowd of awed young adults, all of whom were inspired to reevaluate their professional aspirations and personal relationships in light of the revelatory assertion, an assertion that will assuredly continue to resonate and guide their thinking and behavior for the remainder of their adult lives. “Change can take place over ages so that it’s barely perceptible, and other times it might occur in the blink of an eye, but let me assure you, change is occurring right now as I speak. Believe me, change always happens, and when it does you’d better be ready.” Conference attendees confirmed their perception of the world and their place in it was further shaken when Barnes asked them to raise their hands if they thought technology was going away anytime soon.
Paul Feig To Make All-Female ‘Ghostbusters’ #~# Paul Feig, who directed the 2011 comedy smash hit Bridesmaids, announced via Twitter that he is set to make a new Ghostbusters film that will feature a female-led cast. What do you think?
Where Is Kim Jong-Un? #~# North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public since September 3. Here is the latest speculation on his whereabouts:
Pastor Always Knew Agnostic Would Come Crawling Back To Church For Wedding #~# LAKE FOREST, IL—Saying he was not the least bit surprised to see the former member of the congregation again, pastor James Bower told reporters Thursday that he always knew agnostic local resident Chris Parker would come crawling back to the church to get married. “I believe Chris stopped attending services when he was about 12 and hasn’t set foot in the church since, but guess who finally came around? And just months before the ceremony, no less,” said Bower, adding that Parker just showed up after 15 years of absence with hat in hand to reserve the Calvary United Church and beg the pastor to officiate, exactly how the Presbyterian minister reportedly predicted it would happen. “Chris probably thought he’d seen the last of this place, but now he’s here, right on schedule, tail between his legs, introducing me to his fiancée. They always come back, every last one of them.” Bower confirmed that he does not expect to see the agnostic for another year or two, but guaranteed that Parker would eventually be back on his hands and knees to baptize his baby.
Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave #~# WASHINGTON—As part of a nationwide effort to accommodate women in the workplace, many U.S. companies are now offering female employees permanent, unpaid maternity leave, according to a Pew Research Center survey released Thursday. “We understand that women face numerous challenges when it comes to balancing work and family life, which is why our company allows every female employee to take an indefinite, fully uncompensated maternity leave,” said David Koerper of EasyPay Payroll Processors, one of thousands of businesses around the nation guaranteeing women the right to leave their job at any point during their pregnancy, stay home with their child for as long as they need to after the baby is born, and then never return. “Women should know that when they decide to have children, we will be proactive about offering them an unlimited number of days at home to care for their kids while earning zero percent of their pay. That is our promise.” In a further accommodation for women, Koerper added that prospective employees who may at some point consider starting families have the option of not applying for a job in the first place.
Report: Increasing Number Of U.S. Toddlers Attending Online Preschool #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the option is revolutionizing the way the nation’s 3- and 4-year-olds prepare for the grade school years ahead, a Department of Education report released Thursday confirmed that an increasing number of U.S. toddlers are now attending online preschool. “We found that a growing number of American toddlers are eschewing the traditional brick-and-mortar preschools in favor of sitting down in front of a computer screen for four hours a day and furthering their early psychosocial development in a virtual environment,” said the report’s author, Dr. Stephen Forrest, who said that the affordability and flexibility characteristic of online pre-primary education are what make the option most appealing, allowing young children to learn their shapes and colors on a schedule that works best for them. “With access to their Show-And-Tell message boards, recess timers, and live webcams of class turtle tanks, most toddlers are finding that they can receive the same experience of traditional preschooling from the comfort of their parents’ living room or home office. In addition, most cited the ability to listen to their teacher’s recordings of story time at their own pace as a significant benefit of choosing an online nursery school.” Forrest added that, despite their increasing popularity, many parents remain unconvinced that online preschools provide the same academic benefits as actually hearing an instructor name farm animals and imitate their noises in person.
Congress Waiting Until After Midterms To Address Nationwide Plague Of Hornets #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they don’t want to act too hastily on an issue that deserves a robust and thorough debate, congressional leaders announced Thursday they will wait until after the midterm elections to address the nation’s ongoing plague of large and highly venomous hornets.
Fan Vows To Donate Brain Subjected To Hundreds Of Titans Games #~# BRENTWOOD, TN—Expressing confidence that his act will expand neurological research and ultimately improve the welfare of others in his position, local 52-year-old Luke Holman, who has been subjected to hundreds of Tennessee Titans games for over a decade, announced Thursday that he plans to donate his brain to medical science. “As a Titans fan, I have witnessed an untold number of three-and-outs, turnovers, and sloppy penalties throughout my life, and I hope that by allowing scientists to study my brain, they will be able to learn more about the long-term effects of this type of repeated trauma,” said Holman, adding that, though he cannot undo the punishment he endured as a longtime follower of the sub-.500 football team, he takes comfort in knowing that future Titans fans may be able to avoid the same level of pain and suffering that he has endured in recent years. “I certainly didn’t understand the consequences of watching all of those games when I first started as a kid. But hopefully, armed with the research made possible by my contribution, perhaps those considering watching the Titans will be able to make a more informed decision for themselves and their families.” Holman added that scientists believe his donation could go a long way toward confirming the suspected link between watching Titans football and severe clinical depression.
Man Takes Parents On Tour Of City Where He Came To Escape Them #~# PORTLAND, OR—Pointing out the Portland Art Museum and the farmers market in Shemanski Park as he guided them around downtown, area 25-year-old Daniel Hurst reportedly spent Thursday afternoon taking his visiting parents on a tour of the city he expressly moved to in order to escape them. “I think you guys are really going to love Hawthorne Street; there are all these great little shops,” Hurst said to his parents, calling their attention to various aspects of the city he had chosen to relocate to six months earlier solely because of its distance from his hometown, under the assumption that this would limit visits from his parents to once or twice at most per year. “Yeah, I like it here a lot. It feels like a big city, but it’s not too big; there’s always something going on, and [it fulfilled my searing, all-consuming urge to put as much space between myself and both of you as possible]. It’s a nice place.” At press time, Hurst was showing his parents around the apartment in which he ignores their calls on a weekly basis.
What You Need To Know About Ebola #~# Following the death of the first person diagnosed with Ebola in the United States, concerns about the deadly hemorrhagic virus are running high throughout the country. Here is everything you need to know about Ebola:
Area Man Self-Conscious About All The Wrong Things #~# MANASSAS, VA—Noting that he’s frequently anxious and embarrassed by his most minor personality quirks and modest physical imperfections, sources confirmed Thursday that local sales associate Walter Markowitz is self-conscious about the completely wrong things. “My receding hairline has gotten a lot more noticeable lately, and I feel like women are constantly staring at it,” said Markowitz, who consistently fixates on innocuous faults, from his slightly nasally voice to his mediocre penmanship, but never feels shame about his deep-rooted fear of commitment, the ease with which he grows angry, or how he always pushes to have things precisely his way in all situations. “I know I’m not always the most confident guy, but it isn’t easy when you’re my height. It gnaws at me that I could get more respect if I was a few inches taller.” At press time, Markowitz was reportedly fretting over his unimpressive-sounding job title, completely ignoring how he’s constantly belittling and abrasive to coworkers.
Kickstarter Fundraisers Debut $150 Computer #~# After their Kickstarter campaign raised $1.5 million for the project, a group of entrepreneurs have released Kano, a $150 computer intended for young people aged 6 to 14 that provides owners the materials needed to assemble and code their own customized machine capable of playing games, streaming video, and accessing the internet. What do you think?
J.K. Rowling Not Writing New 'Harry Potter' Book #~# Ending widespread speculation that the British novelist was hinting at a new installment in the Harry Potter series by posting a cryptic message on Twitter that read, "Cry, foe! Run amok! Fa awry! My wand won’t tolerate this nonsense," J.K. Rowling confirmed Tuesday that the tweet was actually an anagram related to her screenplay about Newt Scamander, the fictional author of a textbook on magical animals that features in the Potter books. What do you think?
Decision To Circle Parking Lot Produces Carbon Emission That Finally Does It #~# FRESNO, CA—Hoping to get as close to the store’s entrance as possible, local 42-year-old Gregg Wightman’s decision Wednesday to continue driving around the Costco parking lot in search of a more convenient spot reportedly produced the carbon emission that finally does it. “I think I see one over there—I’ll just loop around,” said Wightman as his vehicle’s exhaust system released the last quantity of greenhouse gas necessary to tip the scales on climate change and plunge the planet into an irreversible global catastrophe. “Screw it, I don’t want to have to push the cart all the way back out here. I think I can find one closer.” At press time, Wightman had grown annoyed with the lack of adequate parking spots and resolved to just drive back to the store later.
Area Man Patiently Waiting For Humiliating Email To Cycle Off First Page #~# EAU CLAIRE, WI—Hoping for additional emails to quickly arrive and take up space in his inbox, local man Steve Mazza told reporters Wednesday that he is patiently waiting for a humiliating message to cycle off the first page of his email program. “It looks like I’ve got a few more days until there’s enough new stuff to bump this thing to the second page,” said Mazza, referring to an email with the subject line “RE: Dinner sometime…?” in which a female acquaintance politely, but unambiguously, rejects Mazza’s invitation to go on a date. “It’s almost low enough on the front page now where I won’t see it without scrolling down, but it’ll take about 30 more messages before this thing is off my screen for good. I could really use a few Facebook notification emails right about now.” At press time, a restless Mazza was considering loosening his spam filter to help push away the shameful email even sooner.
Valiant Florida Gators Fan Not Rushing To Judge Quarterback Accused Of Sexual Assault #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—In light of recent allegations that University of Florida football player Treon Harris sexually assaulted a female student, 23-year-old Gators fan Anthony Kedzie reportedly took a brave and valiant stance Wednesday by refusing to pass any premature judgment on the freshman quarterback. “I don’t think it’s wise to jump to any conclusions here—we need to wait until all of the facts come out first,” said the honorable and courageous Kedzie, who is determined to protect the integrity of the judicial system by not rushing to write off the accused athlete until authorities complete a full investigation of the case. “At this point, they’re just allegations, so we have no way of knowing what did or didn’t happen. Let’s at least give him a chance to tell his side of the story. The accusations could very well turn out to be false—that does happen, you know.” In a further display of his noble commitment to respecting due process, Kedzie went on to criticize the Gators’ decision to suspend Harris indefinitely, noting that the young quarterback should at least be given the benefit of the doubt and allowed to play this weekend against LSU.
Documentary Viewer Can’t Wait To Find Out Which 4 Lads From Liverpool Changed Music Forever #~# DETROIT—Yearning with breathless anticipation to learn more about the hugely influential band, documentary viewer Jeremy Rosen told reporters Wednesday that he could not wait to find out which four lads from Liverpool had changed the face of music forever. “Wow, apparently all of these guys rose from humble beginnings in England to take the sixties by storm,” said Rosen, as black-and-white photographs of the Liverpool Cavern Club and Mathew Street appeared on the screen while the documentary’s narrator revealed that few would suspect a quartet of English schoolboys with Rickenbackers would come to define an era. “Even though they started out as just some teenagers with mop tops, it sounds like they actually went on to reach dizzying heights of fame and commercial success. Man, I wish they’d just hurry up and tell me their names.” At press time, an intrigued Rosen reportedly leaned in closer to his television as Ed Sullivan prepared to introduce the unknown foursome.
Man Wishes There Wasn't So Much Blank Room On Anniversary Card #~# NORWALK, CT—Citing an unfortunate lack of preprinted text to assist him, local man Nick McKean told reporters Wednesday that he wished there wasn’t so much blank space on the anniversary card he bought for his wife. “There’s only one line, and it’s in this small font,” said McKean, 38, adding he now regretted not purchasing one of the cards that had three full stanzas of poetry when he had the chance. “I could just write really huge, but that’s going to look obvious. Maybe I can write normally but leave more space between the lines? Man, why didn’t I just go with the card that had a huge picture of a rose in it? That thing took up half the card all by itself.” At press time, an exasperated McKean still had a large patch of empty space remaining and had begun filling it with several rows of XO’s.
Please, Make Yourself At Home While I Silently Count Down The Seconds Until You Leave #~# Wow, it’s great to see you! How have you been? It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Why don’t you come inside and we can catch up on things? Please, come right on in and make yourself at home while I silently count down the seconds until you step back out that door and I close it firmly behind you.
Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At #~# FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday. “Do I stand here or do I have to go down there?” the thickheaded clod asked, taking a single hesitant step toward one end of the counter before pausing and thinking again. “I wonder if those people over there are in line or if they’re just waiting for their food. Hmm.” At press time, the lumbering halfwit could be seen walking in short semicircles around the restaurant as he struggled to figure out where to leave his tray.
Study: Teens Sexting Before Engaging In Sexual Activity #~# A study from the American Academy of Pediatrics found that “sexting,” or the sending of sexually explicit text messages, has become increasingly common among adolescents, with researchers determining that one in four teenagers had sent such messages and that many are doing so prior to actually engaging in sexual activity. What do you think?
Nation Flattered Brand Would Go To The Trouble Of Selling Them A Hand-Crafted Product #~# WASHINGTON—Admitting that they didn’t feel worthy of the extravagant efforts being made on their behalf, citizens across the country told reporters Tuesday how flattered they were that a nationally renowned brand would go to the trouble of selling them a hand-crafted product. “I’m honored that a major corporation would go out of its way to give me the option of purchasing a product of such craftsmanship and quality—though I can’t begin to guess I've done to earn that kind of treatment,” said Waukegan, WI resident Theresa Gibson, echoing the sentiments of all 317 million Americans, who were reportedly “touched” by the thought of a leading brand making an effort to hand-select only the finest ingredients for their benefit. “I can't believe they went to such lengths for me, and honestly, I’m so used to buying mass-produced items that this all seems a little disorienting. I'm not sure I even deserve such a top-of-the-line product.” At press time, men and women nationwide had voiced their astonishment at the idea that any corporation would go through the surely painstaking effort of creating limited-edition flavors for them to taste.
iPhone 6 Prototype Removed From eBay #~# An eBay listing for an iPhone 6 prototype that was accidentally mailed to a customer in place of a regular iPhone 6 was taken down yesterday after bids had surpassed the $100,000 mark, leading many to suspect that Apple pressured eBay to cancel the online auction. What do you think?
Michael Phelps Banned From Having Any Contact With Water For 6 Months #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Calling the three-time Olympian’s recent arrest for driving under the influence a blatant violation of the organization’s code of conduct, USA Swimming reportedly banned Michael Phelps Monday from having any direct or indirect contact with water for six months. “We take these latest infractions very seriously and they require significant consequences; therefore, over the next six months, Mr. Phelps will be barred from having any personal or professional interactions with water,” said USA Swimming executive director Chuck Wielgus in a statement to the media, citing the suspension’s stipulations that Phelps refrain from drinking, showering, or partaking in any sort of activity that puts him in close proximity to the liquid over the next 24 weeks. “There’s been some precedent with other athletes who were banned from going near any body of water for two to three months for similar transgressions, but seeing as this is Mr. Phelps’ second offense, he has to be punished accordingly. If he slips up, he’ll never touch water again.” At press time, Phelps was making preparations to drain all the water remaining in his body’s 37.2 trillion cells.
Report: 43% Of Party Invitations Unprovoked #~# TUCSON, AZ—Claiming that millions of unsuspecting recipients are caught off-guard each year, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Arizona found that 43 percent of all party invitations are entirely unprovoked. “According to our data, nearly half of all invites to birthday parties, house parties, and backyard cookouts are extended without the invitee doing anything at all to instigate such a solicitation,” said lead researcher Jennifer Davis, who noted that Facebook notifications, phone calls, text messages, and Evites requesting one’s attendance at an organized social gathering can strike anybody without warning. “Sadly, for many individuals, the repercussions of receiving an unprovoked invitation to a distant cousin’s graduation celebration or coworker’s Halloween party can be devastating.” Davis noted that the disastrous effects of an unanticipated invitation could be compounded even further if the recipient was expected to bring a housewarming or baby shower gift for the host.
Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For A Sucker Punch To The Gut #~# WASHINGTON—Warning that millions of citizens across the country are currently at the highest level of risk, a study released Tuesday by the Department of Health and Human Services revealed that the vast majority of Americans are not adequately prepared for a sucker punch to the gut.
Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year #~# ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year.
Nation’s Cuckolded Husbands Gear Up For First Day Of Hunting Season With Wives’ Lovers #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Packing up their shotguns and donning brightly colored orange jackets, the nation’s cuckolded husbands set out Tuesday for the first day of hunting season with their wives’ secret lovers. “You ready to do this, buddy?” said husband Walter Conelly, echoing the words of thousands of other cuckolded men across the country as he loaded gear, ammunition, and a cooler into the bed of his truck mere inches from the man who has been engaging in sexual intercourse with his wife at a nearby motel at least once a week for the last 15 months. “I went to this same place last year and there were pheasants everywhere. It’s a great little spot.” At press time, the nation’s husbands were patting the passenger seats of their trucks and instructing their acquaintances, each of whom had slept with their wives more recently than they had, to “hop in” so they could get out into the woods before it got too late
People Eat Less Healthy With Overweight Dining Companions #~# A recently published Cornell University study suggests that people are more likely to eat unhealthy foods when dining with an overweight individual, with researchers observing that test subjects served themselves larger portions of pasta and smaller portions of salad when accompanied by an actress wearing a “fat suit” prosthesis. What do you think?
Ben Affleck Criticizes Bill Maher’s ‘Racist’ Views On Islam #~# During an appearance on Real Time With Bill Maher Friday, Ben Affleck argued with the host over the nature of Islam, with Maher describing the belief system as “the only religion that acts like the fucking mafia, that will fucking kill you if you say the wrong thing, draw the wrong picture, or write the wrong book,” and Affleck characterizing such views as “gross,” “racist,” and “disgusting.” What do you think?
Man Only Has Himself To Blame For What’s In Targeted Banner Ad #~# ITHACA, NY—Acknowledging that he must accept the consequences of his actions, local 37-year-old Christopher McGwire told reporters Monday that he has no one else to blame but himself for the targeted pool toy advertisements that have been regularly appearing in his browser window over the past two weeks. “As annoying and invasive as these banner ads are, I have to admit that I’m the one who looked at a few inflatable inner tubes a few weekends back,” said McGwire, who first began to see the swim-related banner ads after aimlessly browsing the selection of dive sticks and floating ride-on toys at the online store of a pool supplies retailer last month. “Honestly, I can’t say that I didn’t sort of ask to see pictures of pool noodles, swim floaties, and light-up beach balls every time I go online. It’s my own fault, really, and I just have to deal with it.” McGwire, who confirmed that he often clicks on untrustworthy links, admitted that he probably deserves to deal with his laptop’s slow computer speed as well.
CDC Attempts To Put Ebola Outbreak In Perspective By Releasing List Of Worse Ways To Die #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to downplay fears of a potential Ebola outbreak in the United States, CDC officials aimed to put the disease in perspective Monday by releasing a list of worse ways to die than the infectious hemorrhagic virus. “It is understandable that individuals may be concerned by the presence of Ebola in the United States, but the general public should relax and recognize that there are quite a number of ways of dying that are, in fact, more terrible than succumbing to this disease; indeed, we were able to come up with several dozen,” said CDC director Thomas Frieden, adding that the 50-item list, which is currently available on the agency’s website, includes scenarios such as contracting leprosy and smallpox simultaneously, suffering dozens of infected bullet and stab wounds, and falling into an industrial-size wood chipper, climbing out part way, and then falling back in again. “While the public should continue to exercise a prudent level of caution, also remember that you could trip and land in a vat of caustic industrial solvent that slowly eats away at your body, or you could be sucked out of a jagged, shattered airplane window at 38,000 feet. We do not take your worries lightly, but know that there are, conceivably, more awful ways to go.” Frieden further attempted to assuage the American populace by reminding them that dying of Ebola in the United States was still a far better experience than dying of Ebola in Africa.
Single Nurse Can’t Help But Notice Man Isolated For Ebola Not Wearing A Ring #~# DALLAS—Inferring that he might be “on the market,” Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital nurse Monica Fitzgerald reportedly couldn’t help noticing Monday that Thomas Eric Duncan, the first person diagnosed with Ebola in the United States, was not wearing a wedding ring. “He’s pretty cute, and unless my eyes deceive me, there doesn’t appear to be a Mrs. Duncan,” said Fitzgerald, 35, adding that she first observed the lack of a wedding band while inserting an intravenous tube into the critically ill man’s arm. “He seems to be the right age for me, and he definitely loves traveling as much as I do. I know it’s not a good idea to get involved with patients, but sometimes you just have to make an exception.” At press time, Fitzgerald was seen checking her hair and makeup before heading back into the isolation ward to assist with another blood transfusion.
NFL Week Five Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the fifth week of the NFL season:
Family Avoiding Eye Contact With Dad After Steelers Fumble #~# BETHEL PARK, PA—Uncomfortably shifting in their seats as the costly turnover was replayed in slow motion, the entire Harrison family avoided eye contact with father Jeff Harrison for several incredibly tense minutes Sunday following a fumble by the Pittsburgh Steelers, household sources confirmed. “Goddammit,” said the visibly incensed 52-year-old, who just moments before had been jovially watching the game with his wife and two children, all of whom were now in complete silence and actively staring straight ahead or down at their phones as the fumble was confirmed by referees. “C’mon—hang on to the ball for Christ’s sake! Unbelievable.” At press time, reports confirmed the two Harrison children were quietly considering leaving the room and watching the game upstairs as their father began to yell that the player’s knee was down and that Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin should “just challenge the damn call.”
Parents With More Vacation Time, Financial Resources Want To Know When Son Will Come Home For A Visit #~# PAOLI, PA—Repeating their request that he take several days off from his job and fly home, local parents Mike and Debra Snyder, who have significantly more time and financial resources than their 26-year-old son Marc Snyder, inquired Monday about the next time he’d be coming back for a visit. “Why don’t you just take some time off next month and come home for three or four days?” asked Snyder’s mother and father, both of whom have accumulated several months of vacation days and earn a combined total of six times his annual salary. “You can just come and relax. We haven’t seen you in ages!” At press time, Snyder’s parents had suggested that he ask his boss, who hired him over 120 other desperate young people, if it would be okay to take a long weekend.
Juror Way Too Far Into Trial To Ask What 'Contusions' Are Now #~# RESTON, VA—Noting that attorneys on either side had used the term dozens of times during the previous two weeks, juror Michael Kerr told reporters Monday that he was too far into a capital trial at this point to ask what “contusions” are. “When the prosecutor first brought it up, I thought I could just ignore it and hope it wouldn’t come up again, but then they called in a medical expert who said it a whole bunch of times,” Kerr said after the witness delivered testimony on the victim’s numerous contusions, which he surmised could refer to strands of hair, bones, or another part of the body, but could be something different altogether. “I’ve been looking at people’s faces whenever contusions come up, and I can tell by their expression that it’s something bad, but that’s the only clue I’ve got. The next time they say it I’m probably just going to nod.” Kerr said he planned to look up the term as soon as he got home after voting for a guilty verdict.
New Disney Animated Wedding Cake Projects Cartoons Onto Icing #~# Disney has unveiled a new tiered wedding cake available as part of its $12,000 “Wishes Collection” that allows couples to create a short animated video telling the narrative of their love story and project it onto the sides of the cake for guests to watch. What do you think?
Reminders Of Party’s Costume Theme Becoming Increasingly More Threatening #~# FREMONT, CA—Noting that their friend’s language and demeanor had grown steadily more hostile in recent weeks, those invited to local woman Emily Schilling’s upcoming Great Gatsby party told reporters Wednesday that reminders of the event’s costume theme were becoming increasingly threatening. “At first she just posted a few Facebook updates casually reminding everyone to dress up in 1920s flapper style, but now I’m getting emails almost every day—and she left me a voicemail too,” said Schilling’s friend Liz Thompson, noting that the host’s entreaty for guests to “dress to the nines” soon became a command punctuated by an ever-lengthening trail of exclamation points and is now being preceded with the phrase “you’d better.” “This morning I woke up to a text sent at 2 a.m. saying that if I dared to show up in some outfit thrown together at the last minute, she would know. Oh, God, now I just got another one in all caps.” At press time, sources confirmed Schilling had received several RSVPs from friends explaining that, unfortunately, something had come up and they wouldn’t be able to make it to the party after all.
Serial Killer Makes Impassioned Case For Protecting Local Marsh #~# CHESTER, KY—Expressing his fear that development would destroy the pristine and secluded location, area serial killer Anthony Ray Holbroke made an impassioned plea for town leaders to enact measures protecting a local marsh, sources confirmed Friday. “These beautiful wetlands are one of the rare spots of untouched nature left in the area, and people need to understand that when they’re gone, they’re gone forever,” said the man who has been linked to the recent disappearances of four college-aged women in the region, adding that cutting down the site’s dense vegetation or draining the marshland would be devastating for the local community. “We’re lucky to have such a beautiful and truly remote spot, and I believe we have an obligation to ensure it remains undisturbed by man. Allowing anything to happen to this magnificent marsh would be nothing short of a tragedy.” Sources say Holbroke has voiced equal concern with the proposed development of a small patch of forest just off Interstate 64.
Archaeologists Discover Dracula’s Dungeon #~# Archaeologists say they have discovered a dungeon that once imprisoned Vlad the Impaler, the medieval prince who is said to be the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s Dracula character, though skeptics say it’s not a coincidence the discovery was made the week the film Dracula Untold premieres. What do you think?
Popular New Exercise App Just Tells Users They Ran 5 Miles A Day No Matter What #~# LOS ALTOS, CA—Having reached nearly 2 million downloads within its first month of release, the new smartphone app ProMiler has quickly become one of the nation’s most popular exercise tools by informing users that they ran five miles each day no matter what, the app’s creators told reporters Friday. “With ProMiler, achieving your exercise goals is as simple as turning on your device in the morning and being notified that you’ve already run five miles,” ProMiler spokesman John Lyons said while demonstrating the app, which uses advanced GPS technology to display a new, randomly generated five-mile running route near the user’s location every day. “The more you take advantage of ProMiler, the better runner you become, as the app automatically reduces your running time by several seconds per day. And with our ‘Calories Burned’ counter staying fixed at the number 1,000 each day, 100 percent of our users report hitting their fitness targets. The results speak for themselves.” Officials added that the app comes pre-synced with Facebook, allowing users to automatically post their time and running route on their feed for all their friends to see.
Man Uses Weekend To Make Totally Different Mistakes Than He Did During Workweek #~# SPOKANE, WA—Grateful to have a couple of days free from his job responsibilities, sales representative Sam Roslindale told reporters Friday that he likes to use his weekends to make entirely different mistakes than he does during the workweek. “I spend so many hours at the office making professional errors that it’s nice to have a little time to ruin my personal life,” said Roslindale, adding that after five days in a row of alienating coworkers and falling well short of sales goals, he appreciated having 48 solid hours to just focus on damaging his relationships with family and friends. “I need that Saturday and Sunday to drink too much, yell at my wife for no reason, and let my daughter down. Then, come Monday, I’ll be ready to resume destroying my career all over again.” Roslindale went on to say that while he was glad to have the weekend, he would love to take a long vacation to really screw things up.
Fantasy Football Week 5: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
NFL Floats Idea Of 18-Game Week #~# NEW YORK—Saying that the proposal has already received support from each of the league’s 32 owners, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Friday that the league is currently exploring the possibility of teams playing an 18-game week. “As an organization we are committed to growing our sport, and fans are clamoring to see 288 high-quality football games every week,” said Goodell, noting that the league’s research has confirmed the current market could easily bear up to 900 minutes of football on Fridays alone. “Our mission is to always increase fan excitement and interest in the NFL, and nothing could do that like 41 games every day from September through December. We’ve already begun preliminary discussions with CBS and FOX over broadcasting rights for the additional 2,000 afternoon games, while ESPN has expressed interest in televising several of the 3 a.m. nightcap games alongside the NFL Network. Of course, we’re also committed to exploring the possibility of bringing 70 or 80 matchups to London each month. It’s really a win-win for everyone.” Goodell added that he has assured the NFL Players Association that any new deal would provide teams with seven or eight bye days.
Pfizer Releases Vintage Cask-Aged Robitussin #~# GROTON, CT—Touting the new offering’s full-bodied flavor and bold, fruit-forward bouquet, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer unveiled a vintage cask-aged variety of its popular cold medicine Robitussin on Friday.
New ‘Twilight’ Films To Be Released Exclusively On Facebook #~# Lionsgate has announced that the studio is partnering with Facebook to produce five short Twilight films exclusively for the social network, which will explore the stories of supporting characters from the previous films. What do you think?
Archaeologists Discover Cave Where Ancient Humans First Had To Pretend To Like Friend’s Art #~# VALLON-PONT-D’ARC, FRANCE—Saying the discovery sheds light on social dynamics dating as far back as 30,000 BC, an archaeological team in southern France announced Thursday that they had discovered a cave where early humans first had to pretend to like their friend’s artwork. “Based on the artifacts we uncovered at the site, this appears to be the oldest known location where homo sapiens were called over to look at an acquaintance’s red ochre paintings, feign interest in the amateurish representations of hunt scenes, and then express half-hearted surprise at how creative their friend was,” said lead researcher Jean Clemence, showing reporters a crude depiction of a deer on a limestone wall that contemporary onlookers reportedly felt obligated to stare at for a minute or so while uttering statements of approval as if they were impressed. “It’s hard not to look over these works and imagine our earliest ancestors smiling as they kept their observations about shoddy technique to themselves, nodding politely, and then encouraging their companion to ‘keep it up’ before making an excuse to leave. It’s truly a remarkable discovery.” In a related finding, the archaeologists also discovered a nearby wall consisting entirely of outlines of a human hand that they speculate caused a number of prehistoric humans to shake their heads and admit that their friend’s artistic style just wasn’t for them.
Viagra Ads Aimed At Women For First Time #~# In the first marketing effort of its kind since Pfizer released the erectile dysfunction medication Viagra over 15 years ago, the pharmaceutical company is launching an advertising campaign aimed at women. What do you think?
Workaholic Dad Misses Only One Or Two Accomplishments In Unimpressive Child’s Life #~# SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—Despite spending as many as 80 hours a week at the office, local father Michael Henderson told reporters Thursday that, given his son’s lack of ambition and general mediocrity, he has only missed one or two accomplishments in the unimpressive child’s life. “Sure, I’ve been working pretty much nonstop for the past 18 years, but the only major achievements I wasn’t there for were Spencer’s high school graduation and one theater performance—but he only helped paint the sets for that; it’s not like he was even on stage,” said Henderson, adding that he had no qualms about not being around to see his son frequently sitting around on the couch watching television. “I went on a lot of business trips, and worked late nights and on weekends and holidays, but it never really prevented me from witnessing any special moments, as Spencer dropped out of Cub Scouts pretty early, quit the track team after one meet, and never made the honor roll or received a single award. I realize that I haven’t always been there for him, but he hasn’t exactly given me much to regret either.” At press time, Henderson told reporters that although his job continues to require long workdays and offers few opportunities for vacations, he doubts he will miss any significant accomplishments in the next 18 years of his son’s life.
Area Dad Just Wants To Watch One 7-Hour Block Of Television Without Interruption #~# MAPLE GROVE, MN—Saying that he didn’t think it was too much to ask, area father Joseph Sanborn, 48, reportedly told family members Thursday that all he wanted was to sit down, relax, and watch a single seven-hour block of television without being interrupted. “I work hard all day, so I think I should be allowed to take a load off and watch a little TV from the time I get home until well past midnight without any distractions,” Sanborn told his wife and children, saying that he didn’t see why he couldn’t just kick back on the couch and watch hour after hour of television without anyone making noise, calling him into another room, or attempting to engage him in conversation. “All I’m asking is that everyone just let me sit down after work and spend about one-third of the day in front of the TV, all right? Just give me several hours by myself to watch Modern Family, the Vikings game, Die Hard 2, and three back-to-back episodes of Man V. Food in peace. That doesn’t sound too hard to me.” Sanborn added that he deserves a little time to himself during the week, as he barely gets 16 hours per day to watch television over the weekend.
How To Protect Yourself Against Ebola #~# This week saw the first confirmed case of Ebola virus within the United States, the latest development in an outbreak that has already claimed over 3,000 lives. Here are some ways you can protect yourself against this deadly disease:
Fantasy League Commissioner’s Main Responsibility Is Coaxing Jake Into Giving A Shit #~# BRIDGEPORT, CT—Explaining that while he spends some time approving various trades and making necessary point corrections, local 29-year-old Adam Crawford admitted to reporters Thursday that his primary duty as commissioner of his “Hüskie Dü” ESPN fantasy football league has been convincing friend Jake Morrison to actually give a shit. “Jake was pretty good for the first bit of the season, but then he just forgot to update his roster for two straight weeks, so I had to really get on his case about it,” said Crawford, adding that he is forced to constantly send texts and emails reminding Jake to lock in his team before kickoffs and to bench any players who are on bye weeks. “Honestly, it’s the same thing every year with him—he spent half of last season with fucking Trent Richardson as his starting running back. Occasionally, I’ll offer him a good trade just so he can get more excited about his team, and once in a while, I’ll just message him the exact lineup he should start based on who he’s up against, but half the time he won’t even respond. It’s really infuriating.” At press time, sources confirmed that Jake is currently in first place in the league with a 3-1 record.
Seventh-Grader Receiving More One-On-One Bullying Since Transferring To Private School #~# HOUSTON—Saying he no longer feels like just another face in the crowd, local seventh-grader Evan Christiano told reporters Thursday that since transferring to Crystal Springs Preparatory from the public middle school he attended last year, he has received far more one-on-one bullying.
Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice #~# CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his backyard. Watching with apparent glee as the dismembered insect struggled to right itself, the individual who will go on to be the court’s crucial swing vote under five consecutive administrations is said to have laughed out loud and implored the helpless creature to jump. Bevins, under whom the court will render landmark rulings on immigration, education policy, genetic modification, and abortion, then reportedly twisted off both of the grasshopper’s wings and batted it around with a stick. At press time, the child whose future decisions will touch the lives of every American citizen for generations went inside to find a lighter.
Students Thankful Standardized Curriculum Sparing Them From Free-Spirited Teacher’s Antics #~# HAVERHILL, MA—Conveying their eagerness to dodge the possibility of any classroom role-playing exercises or featured guest speakers, 10th-grade students at East High School told reporters Thursday they were thankful that the implementation of a standardized curriculum had spared them from their free-spirited English teacher’s antics. “I’m just relieved that Mr. [Aaron] Honing has to teach straight to the test and can’t do anything like recite an original poem out loud and then urge us to express ourselves through poetry too,” said 16-year-old Peter Macpherson, adding that were it not for nationally established achievement benchmarks, his teacher would likely feel free to engage in all sorts of creative activities, such as organizing a class trip to a colonial homestead during their reading of The Scarlet Letter or coming into class dressed as Mark Twain. “Thank God we all take a single, statewide exam at the end of the year, so there’s no way he’s going to waste class time with any inspirational speeches encouraging us to excel as unique individuals.” The students confirmed they were happy to memorize as many rote facts as necessary rather than listen to Mr. Honing speak in Middle English for their entire Chaucer unit.
Man Worried Antidepressants Will Leave Trace Of Original Personality #~# CORAL SPRINGS, FL—Expressing concerns about the effects of the medication on his brain, local man Aaron Stilner told reporters Wednesday that he’s worried the antidepressants his physician prescribed will leave traces of his original personality. “I know my doctor wants me to start on SSRIs right away, but I don’t want to take any pills before I know for sure they will completely change who I am,” Stilner said of the new prescription, which he fears will fail to erase all semblance of his former self and allow certain of his longstanding and defining character traits to persist. “I guess I can always switch medications if I find that this one doesn’t alter every one of my individual characteristics. The last thing I want is for there to be any risk I’ll end up being recognizable to my friends and family.” At press time, Stilner had requested to increase his dosage by an additional 20 mg.
WWF: World Lost Half Its Wildlife Over Last 40 Years #~# According to a new report by the World Wildlife Fund, the planet lost more than 50 percent of its species of mammals, birds, reptiles, fish, and other wildlife over the past 40 years, due mostly to human activity. What do you think?
Entirety Of Beat Poetry Audience Just Faking Knowing What’s Happening #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Desperately searching for any cues that might let them know it was appropriate to snap their fingers or vocalize their approval, every audience member at Beat Night SF reportedly sat for over two hours Thursday night attempting to conceal their complete ignorance about what anything occurring in front of them could possibly mean. “Tonight’s readings have been very raw and real, and they all definitely made me think about life and art and all sorts of different things in a way I wouldn’t have thought about them before,” said patron Thomas Gallo, who like all other members of the audience at Beanz Coffee Shop spent the evening hiding his profound lack of understanding by either closing his eyes and nodding or swaying ever so lightly to the underlying jazz music. “It’s like that one performer said up there: The poet is the paint and we are the canvas. Sometimes when a piece of art is truly brilliant, you shouldn’t even try to explain it. Yeah, there’s definitely no need to try to explain it at all.” At press time, the entire audience reportedly felt a sense of relief following what was believed to be the conclusion of a poem, only to be blindsided by a rhythmic, six-minute indictment of “suburban exhaust pipe parking lots.”
Obama Currently Being Chased In Background Of Secret Service Hearing #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of a series of lapses in presidential security, Secret Service director Julia Pierson appeared before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Tuesday, seemingly unaware that President Obama himself was, at that moment, being chased by an assailant in the background. “We have made mistakes, and we want to assure the American people that we are committed to fixing them,” Pierson said, as a frantic Obama ran back and forth through the congressional hearing room, occasionally clambering over chairs to escape what observers described as a highly agitated man with a knife. “Protecting the president is our most important duty, and you have my promise that from this moment forward, we will do it as we should.” At press time, Obama was seen blocking knife blows with a legal pad as Pierson declared her intention to conduct a thorough internal review.
U.S. Assures Hong Kong That Their Protest Just One Of Many Issues White House Staying Silent On #~# WASHINGTON—Addressing concerns that the Obama administration was selectively ignoring their ongoing demonstrations against the Chinese government, White House officials held a press conference Wednesday to reassure Hong Kong residents that their protest was just one of many issues the White House is currently keeping completely silent on. “While pro-democracy activists in Hong Kong may question why the United States hasn’t offered its unequivocal support, I want to make it clear to each one of them that their campaign is but one of dozens of important causes around the world that this administration is sidestepping,” said White House press secretary Josh Earnest, adding that demonstrators should not feel singled out or slighted in the least, as the president is presently neglecting to acknowledge a long list of issues with thorny political and economic ramifications, from dangerous working conditions throughout Southeast Asia, to oppression of women and gays in Saudi Arabia, to wrongful political imprisonment in Eastern Europe. “Our inaction puts the people of Hong Kong in good company with the subjugated populations of South Sudan, Eritrea, Central Asia, and sub-Saharan Africa, all of whom we systematically overlook. So, our message to the protesters is clear: You are not alone.” Earnest added that Hong Kong’s demonstrators could take pride in the fact that they are receiving the same amount of attention from the U.S. government as the pressing domestic issues of gun violence, environmental protection, and immigration reform.
Tetris Movie In The Works #~# Film studio Threshold Entertainment announced this week that it has teamed up with the Tetris Company to produce a movie based on the classic tile-matching video game. What do you think?
Man Having A Great Time Will Soon Have To Apologize To Everyone #~# NASHVILLE, TN—According to sources at a house party on Campbell Street this evening, local man Brent Williams, who is currently having the time of his life, will soon have to apologize to all 15 people in attendance. “Wooooo!” shouted Williams in pure elation, less than 24 hours before he will reportedly struggle to make eye contact while apologizing to friends for flirting with their girlfriends, screaming out lyrics to songs, dancing on top of the coffee table, and whipping beer bottles off the back deck. “Hey, who wants to do shots? Come on!” Party sources later reported seeing Williams doing the worm precariously close to a 43-inch plasma television that will require half his next paycheck to replace.
ISIS Having Difficulty Finding American Recruits Physically Fit For Jihad #~# AR-RAQQAH, SYRIA—Frustrating the Islamic extremist group’s efforts to bolster its ranks and expand its influence overseas, representatives for ISIS told reporters Wednesday that they have so far encountered considerable difficulty in finding American recruits who are physically fit enough for jihad. “We’ve been in communication with a number of U.S. citizens who are eager to join in our holy crusade, but unfortunately, not one of them is in decent enough shape to effectively wage war against the West,” said ISIS operative Bakir Hamdani, pointing to a general lack of athleticism among the hundreds of potential American recruits, as well as respiratory ailments and dependencies on a variety of diabetes, blood pressure, and allergy medications that preclude these would-be jihadists from assisting in the establishment of a worldwide Sunni caliphate. “Even though these people are enthusiastic about righteous martyrdom, I honestly don’t see most of them even fitting into a suicide vest, let alone lugging a 40-pound rocket launcher through the desert. The thing is, we can’t inflict terror into the hearts of the masses if our fighters are always doubled over red-faced and winded.” Hamdani added that ISIS’ best course of action was to allow these overweight, sedentary American operatives to continue burdening the U.S. health care system in hopes of eventually bankrupting the nation.
ESPN Gives On-Air Personalities List Of 6 Pre-Approved Opinions #~# BRISTOL, CT—Following the network’s three-week suspension of analyst Bill Simmons over comments regarding NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, ESPN reportedly sent all on-air personalities a comprehensive list Wednesday of the six pre-approved opinions they may express during broadcasts. “Effective immediately, all on-air talent will be restricted to voicing only the half-dozen sports-related viewpoints officially authorized and endorsed by ESPN,” read the internal company memo, advising all employees to adhere strictly to the new protocol or risk punishment and possible termination. “The network-sanctioned opinions are as follows: 1. The NFL has become a passing league; 2. LeBron James is a great basketball player; 3. The sport of soccer is growing in the United States; 4. Peyton Manning is a future first-ballot Hall of Famer; 5. Rory McIlroy is the new face of golf; 6. The MLB playoffs are incredibly exciting. Thank you for your cooperation.” At press time, ESPN had reportedly revised the list to three opinions after receiving feedback from the NFL front office.
Nation Longs For One More Day With Dying Manufacturing Sector #~# WASHINGTON—Yearning for a chance to find some kind of closure and say goodbye, the U.S. populace told reporters this week that they longed for just one more day with the nation’s dying manufacturing sector.
Louisiana Restaurant Offering 10% Discount To Diners Carrying Guns #~# According to local news stations, a cajun restaurant in Port Allen, LA called Bergeron’s is offering diners a 10 percent discount off their meals if they show waitstaff that they are carrying a gun. What do you think?
Cancer Researchers Develop Highly Promising New Pink Consumer Item #~# WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a landmark moment in the fight against one of the nation’s leading causes of death, a coalition of top breast cancer researchers announced Monday the development of a highly promising new pink consumer item. “After years of rigorous trials and test marketing, our team can confirm that this breakthrough product is both neon-pink and available for purchase,” said lead researcher Noah Weissman, who added that manufacturing facilities would quickly ramp up production of the revolutionary brightly colored consumer good to "get it in the hands of as many people as possible." “While we have made significant advances in our field over the years with other pink items and apparel, we believe this new commodity has the ability to be purchased by tens or even hundreds of thousands of people across the country. These are the breakthroughs we work so hard to achieve.” Weissman added that nothing is more fulfilling for him and his team than seeing a consumer who has been given another chance at owning something pink.
Black Friday 2014: Best Deals & Bargains #~# Retailers across the nation are opening their doors earlier than ever ahead of Black Friday to get customers in the aisles. Here are some deals and bargains stores have unveiled for the biggest shopping day of the year:
NYC Restaurant Offering $35,000 Thanksgiving Dinner #~# The Old Homestead Steakhouse in New York City’s Meatpacking District is offering a nine-course, $35,000 Thanksgiving dinner that includes edible 24-karat gold flakes and pigeon stuffed with foie gras. What do you think?
Younger Cousin’s Growth Spurt Throws Off Competitive Balance At Family’s Thanksgiving Touch Football Game #~# ALEXANDRIA, MN—Admitting their disbelief at how tall and strong the 13-year-old has gotten since last year, members of the local Gunderson family confirmed Thursday that younger cousin Will Gunderson’s growth spurt has completely thrown off the competitive balance of their annual Thanksgiving touch football game. “He’s usually on the opposite team of Ethan since they’re both the youngest, but now it’s just not fair—Will must have at least four inches and 20 pounds on him,” said 23-year-old Steven Gunderson, adding that his younger cousin’s drastic change in height and size forced the family to stop the game after a few downs and reevaluate everyone’s skill level in order to prevent one team from suffering a total blowout. “It’d be one thing if Will was just tall, but he’s pretty fast and actually put a bit of muscle on those scrawny arms he used to have. I don’t know what Aunt Tina’s been feeding him, but one thing’s for sure: If we play with the same teams we normally have, it’ll be a goddamn bloodbath out there.” At press time, numerous backyard sources confirmed that Will’s growth spurt was entirely offset by the noticeable decline in speed and strength of his 62-year-old father.
Thanksgiving Affords Nation Rare Opportunity To Eat Large Amounts Of Food While Watching Football #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the nation’s long wait is now at an end, sources confirmed Thursday that the Thanksgiving holiday will grant millions of Americans the rare chance to eat incredibly large amounts of food while watching football games. “This kind of day doesn’t come around too often, so I’m excited to finally be able to sit back with family and friends over some delicious food and watch football for the entire afternoon,” said 34-year-old Arnold Dawson of Henrico, VA, echoing a sentiment held by Americans across the country who have come to cherish the lone day of the year when they can simply gorge themselves on enormous meals in front of a television showing nine hours of uninterrupted NFL coverage. “I mean, when else can you curl up in your living room with second or third helpings of food and watch a 12:30 p.m. game, a 4:30 p.m. game, and then an 8:30 p.m. game? It makes me wish Thanksgiving was every week.” Reports also confirmed that, by the end of the evening, the populace will already be excitedly thinking ahead to New Year’s Day, which will afford them an equally rare opportunity to shovel food into their mouths, watch a half-dozen college football games, and eventually pass out on the couch.
Man At Airport Pissed That Other People Had Same Idea To Go Home For Thanksgiving #~# NEW YORK—Sighing and cursing under his breath upon seeing the long, winding security lines and packed concourses throughout LaGuardia Airport, 28-year-old Thomas Metcalfe was reportedly pissed off Wednesday after realizing that other people had the same idea to go home for Thanksgiving. “Jesus Christ, you’ve got to be kidding me,” said a visibly aggravated Metcalfe, expressing his frustration upon noticing that the crowds of travelers had not only chosen the exact same time to visit their families as he did, but also had the same ideas to each bring a single overstuffed carry-on and to mill around the gate area. “Oh, man, I bet my flight to Chicago is going to be completely full, too. Just my luck.” At press time, Metcalfe took some relief in looking ahead to his return flight on Sunday, speculating that the whole mess would die down by then and he would be able to experience a relaxed, hassle-free trip back.
Everyone In Family Compliments Grandmother On How Small And Feeble She’s Gotten #~# WHEATON, IL—Uttering surprised exclamations and smiling in amazement at her wrinkled, wizened frame shortly after she arrived for the Thanksgiving holiday, every member of the Hostig family complimented their grandmother, Judith Hostig, on how small and feeble she has gotten, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Oh, my goodness, you’re so much more frail and withered than when I last saw you!” said granddaughter Elise Hostig, adding that she could remember the days when the 83-year-old was still a vibrant, robust woman whose sallow skin didn’t even sag off of her body. “Gosh, it’s like you shrank into this shriveled little person overnight. Before we know it, you’ll be a tiny, hunched-over mound!” Sources confirmed that family members then made the octogenarian stand back-to-back with her 7-year old grandson for a comparison.
Budweiser Retiring Clydesdale Ads In Grab For Millennials #~# As part of an effort to market more effectively to young millennial consumers, Budweiser has reportedly opted to remove its famous Clydesdale horses from holiday advertising. What do you think?
Ferguson Prosecutor: Cable News ‘Most Significant Challenge Encountered’ In Investigation #~# Before announcing that a grand jury had declined to indict officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of Michael Brown, prosecuting attorney Robert McCulloch blamed cable news and social media for civil unrest in Ferguson, MO, saying, “The most significant challenge encountered in this investigation has been the 24-hour news cycle and its insatiable appetite for something.” What do you think?
Ferguson Decision Reaffirms Right Of Police To Use Deadly Force When They Feel Sufficiently Inclined #~# WASHINGTON—Following a legal precedent established over the course of decades, the St. Louis County grand jury decision Monday to not indict officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of an unarmed teen reportedly reaffirmed the right of police to use deadly force whenever they feel sufficiently inclined. “The outcome of this grand jury investigation further supports a police officer’s right to shoot to kill if, and only if, he feels absolutely willing to do so and it suits his purposes,” said Georgetown law professor Adrienne Hoffman, adding that reasonable suspicion to use lethal force is 100 percent optional when an officer fires on a suspect, regardless of circumstances. “This decision makes it completely clear that, when confronted in the line of duty, police are legally justified in using extreme force against a suspect whenever they need to or just feel like it.” Hoffman added that the decision further asserts an officer’s right to claim self-defense against anyone within range of his weapon.
Nation Doesn’t Know If It Can Take Another Bullshit Speech About Healing #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of a grand jury’s divisive decision not to charge Ferguson, MO police officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown, a weary American populace told reporters Tuesday that they are not sure if they can take another bullshit speech about healing. “If I have to watch some politician, law enforcement official, or pretty much anyone regurgitate the same meaningless platitudes about setting aside our differences and coming together as a nation, I might just lose it,” said Atlanta resident Samantha Hubbard, echoing the sentiment of hundreds of millions of Americans who are uncertain if they can stomach even a single empty call for respect and civility. “I honestly don’t know if I’m physically capable of listening to another community leader recite the same unbearable garbage about how it’s time for an open and honest dialogue. I swear to God, if I hear even one goddamn person assert there’s more that unites us than divides us, I will immediately blow my brains out.” At press time, the nation was particularly apprehensive at the prospect of a bullshit speech that declared words were not enough.
Last-Minute Holiday Travel Tips #~# Whether you’re rerouting canceled flights or changing destinations on the fly, nothing can be more stressful during the holidays than making travel arrangements at the last minute. Here are some tips for planning and taking trips on a time crunch:
Report: U.S. Students Lead World In Knowledge Of Common Household Items That Will Give You Buzz #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming that U.S. students’ competency in the area of knowledge had only increased in recent years, a Pew Research Center report published Tuesday found that young Americans continue to lead the world in their awareness of which household items will give you a buzz.
Town Considers Replacing Ugly Christmas Tree After Public Outcry #~# City officials in Reading, PA agreed to replace a 50-foot-tall Christmas tree downtown that residents complained was “pathetic” and “ugly” before the city council president changed his mind and ordered construction workers in the process of taking the tree down to leave it standing. What do you think?
Jason Garrett Insists He Can Trace Coaching Tree Back To Mayflower #~# DALLAS—Noting that he takes great pride in the rich legacy of his predecessors, Dallas Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett told reporters Tuesday that he is able to trace his coaching tree all the way back to the landing of the Mayflower.
Report: Majority Of Americans Know Which YouTube Clip They’ll Post Following Dustin Hoffman’s Death #~# PRINCETON, NJ—Confirming that a majority of the country is ready for when the time comes, a study released Tuesday by researchers at Princeton University found that 81 percent of Americans know exactly which YouTube clip they’ll post on social media upon Dustin Hoffman’s death. “Whether it’s a scene highlighting Hoffman’s versatility as a comedic performer in Tootsie, or the iconic closing sequence of The Graduate, our study found that four of every five citizens are poised and ready to share a video honoring the two-time Academy Award winner at a moment’s notice,” read the report in part, which noted that a significant portion of the populace already has plans to caption their links with either “RIP” or “We’ll never have another one like him.” “And while we found that the remaining 19 percent of Americans do not have a specific clip in mind for Dustin Hoffman’s passing, this is largely due to the fact that many of these individuals remain torn over which scene from Rain Man they would like to share, be it the famous Wapner scene, or the more touching kiss in the elevator, or another scene altogether.” The study follows a similar report released earlier this year that found that a mere 21 percent of Americans have a clip in mind for the eventual passing of Judd Hirsch.
Woman Launches Into 4-Minute Self-Deprecating Preamble Before Speaking Mind #~# SAN MARCOS, CA—Issuing a flurry of apologies, equivocations, and statements downplaying her intelligence, local 28-year-old Jessica Knoll reportedly launched into a four-minute self-deprecating preamble Tuesday before sharing her thoughts with a group of colleagues. “I’m clearly not an expert here, and you all are certainly more informed about the issue than I am,” said Knoll, deferring to the others in attendance before segueing into a 45-second-long explanation of why she “may very well not have a good handle on these things.” “I mean, I have a general sense of what the problem is—and Keith, maybe you can clarify it for me—but really, this is pretty much just a guess on my part.” After finally voicing her opinion, Knoll reportedly backtracked immediately when a coworker questioned part of her statement, causing her to look downward while nodding her head and saying “sure.”
Nestlé Developing ‘Exercise In A Bottle’ #~# Researchers at Nestlé are reportedly developing a calorie-burning drink that will reproduce the effects of exercise for its consumers, which will hopefully help the estimated 78 million obese Americans adopt a healthier lifestyle. What do you think?
Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room #~# VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon in the negotiating room, sources confirmed Monday. “Iran will not agree to any international accord without a total and immediate lifting of Western sanctions,” said Iranian foreign minister Mohammad Javad Zarif to representatives from China, Russia, and the United States while inserting a U-238 tamper sphere into a thermonuclear weapon on the floor of Coburg Palace. “It is crucial to the success of these discussions and any potential long-term framework that world leaders respect Iran’s independence on these matters.” At press time, Zarif reportedly expressed a willingness to extend the agreement deadline until July 1, 2015 as he soldered an implosion device onto the side of the bomb’s shell.
Heavy Police Presence In Ferguson To Ensure Residents Adequately Provoked #~# FERGUSON, MO—Ahead of a grand jury’s decision over whether to indict officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown, police in the city of Ferguson have reportedly heavily increased their presence this week to ensure residents are adequately provoked. “We’ve deployed additional officers throughout Ferguson in order to make absolutely certain that residents feel sufficiently harassed and intimidated,” said St. Louis County police chief Jon Belmar, assuring locals that officers in full riot gear will be on hand to inflame members of the community for as long as is necessary. “It’s absolutely essential that the people of Ferguson have full confidence that law enforcement is committed to antagonizing them every step of the way.” At press time, the Missouri National Guard was on standby with tanks and urban assault vehicles in case Ferguson residents required additional incitement.
NFL Week 12 Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 12th week of the NFL season:
Aspiring Politician Hopes Government Leaves Some Women’s Rights For Him To Gut One Day #~# COLUMBIA, MO—Worried that the remaining legal protections in his state will be fully dismantled by the time he can run for office, University of Missouri senior and aspiring politician Andrew Lipian told reporters Monday he hopes the government will leave at least a few women’s rights for him to gut one day.
Ferguson Pool Supply Store Overestimating How Badly Looters Want Chlorine Tablets #~# FERGUSON, MO—Having reportedly enlisted friends and family members to help him board up his shopfront’s windows and reinforce its doors, sources confirmed Monday that Crystal Waters Pool & Spa proprietor Larry Hardwick is greatly overestimating how much potential looters in Ferguson, MO want to get ahold of his store’s chlorine tablets. “Things could very well get out of hand here this week, and some troublemakers might try to take advantage of the situation and walk off with our stock of chlorine and bromine pool treatment chemicals,” said Hardwick, who relocated some of his most expensive merchandise from the showroom to a fortified and double-padlocked stockroom ahead of the upcoming grand jury decision in the Michael Brown case, making certain that every last pool skimmer basket and filtration pump was tightly secure within. “If this is anything like a few months back, it’s going to get real crazy out there, and a small-business owner can never be too careful. Even the most basic easy-installation stepladder for in-ground pools can run up to $129.99, so we’ve got to take every precaution to safeguard our pool and spa accessories should all hell break loose.” At press time, Hardwick had resolved to sleep inside one of Crystal Waters’ floor model three-jet hot tubs in order to protect the store through the night.
New Contraception Law Would Require Teenagers To Consult With 3 Different Peers Before Selecting Birth Control Method #~# COLUMBUS, OH—In an effort to help them make informed decisions about their reproductive health, a state law passed Monday will require teenagers to consult with at least three different peers before selecting a method of birth control. “Prior to their making any choice regarding contraceptives, we want to ensure that teens have thoroughly discussed their options with several individuals in their high school, such as a classmate with an older sibling or that one girl in their grade whose mom let her go on the pill freshman year,” said state lawmaker Robert F. Hagan, stating that it is crucial for sexually active youth to seek out multiple opinions from others, including any fellow students who claim to know someone with an IUD. “Teenagers should have access to every tool necessary to practice safe sex, whether it’s an in-person consultation with a friend during study hall about what type of condoms to buy, or a text sent to an acquaintance after school asking if they can skip a pill or two and still be safe from pregnancy.” Hagan went on to note that the new legislation would allow minors in certain emergencies to simply consult their older brother’s college girlfriend to see how many regular birth control pills they would have to take to equal Plan B.
Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence #~# MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental dependence. “It’s only a small amount, but if we impart these lessons now, we can prepare him for the day he’s out on his own receiving a monthly check from us to cover his living expenses,” said Jeremy’s father, Michael Lambert, adding that it’s never too soon to learn the value of his parents’ money. “We want to make sure we start early on so that, 15 or 20 years from now, he’ll fully understand what it means to be a financially dependent adult.” At press time, Jeremy’s parents were helping him open his first savings account so he could learn the importance of letting his parents deposit money directly into it.
Driving Instructor Has Own Gas Pedal In Case Student Total Pussy #~# GREENVILLE, SC—Saying that he only uses it as a last resort, local driver’s ed instructor Bill Dennison confirmed Monday that there is an extra gas pedal on his side of the vehicle in case one of his students is a complete pussy. “The accelerator on the passenger side is just a precaution should a student driver turn out to be a dickless wuss who’s afraid of really gunning it,” said Dennison, explaining that the pedal is an important failsafe that can be deployed whenever some candy-ass teenager tries to limp onto the interstate at 55 miles an hour like a little bitch. “As an instructor, you want to avoid any unnecessary interference, but when you’ve got some pantywaist behind the wheel who doesn’t have the stones to pass on the shoulder, sometimes you’ve got to sack up, drop the hammer, and show that little nancy how it’s done.” Dennison also said it’s sometimes necessary to use the vehicle’s emergency brake when a student is too chickenshit to fishtail like a total badass.
Study: Women In Power More Prone To Depression #~# According to a new study, women in positions of authority who have the power to hire, fire, and determine the pay of workers are more prone to depression symptoms, which may be because female bosses are more heavily scrutinized than their male peers and exposed to discrimination and harassment. What do you think?
Time Traveler From 2008 Freaked Out By Guy Wearing Google Glass While Smoking E-Cigarette #~# CHICAGO—While wandering the city streets and marveling at the strange, futuristic wonders around him, Peter Haas, a time-traveler from the year 2008, was said to have become profoundly unnerved Wednesday by a passing pedestrian wearing a Google Glass unit and smoking an e-cigarette. “Whoa, what the hell was that?” said a visibly rattled Haas, who went on to wonder if he was in fact in late 2014 or if he had been mistakenly vaulted much farther ahead in time, to an age when fully functioning computer systems rest on people’s faces and robotic, odorless cigarettes are enjoyed by the masses. “Do disposable cigarettes even exist anymore? Did society do away with the handheld devices of my era? Ah, no, I see someone with one over there. Wait—did his phone just speak back to him? My God!" At press time, sources reported that a distraught Haas was scrambling to travel back to his home year after coming to the horrifying realization that three Transformers sequels had been actually been greenlit, filmed, and released since his time.
It Becoming More And More Clear That Browns Fan Came To Sports Bar Alone #~# HOUSTON—Noting his quiet demeanor and the fact that he has not been included in any of the conversations taking place around him, sources at Murphy’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Sunday with increasing certainty that a Cleveland Browns fan has shown up to the sports bar by himself.
Major Networks Opt Out Of Airing Obama Immigration Speech #~# Many of the major broadcast networks opted not to air President Obama’s speech Thursday night outlining his executive action on immigration so they could run primetime shows such as The Big Bang Theory and Grey’s Anatomy, which are pivotal for November sweeps. What do you think?
Rookie Teammate Worried Ndamukong Suh Taking Him Under Wing #~# DETROIT—Calling the recent realization alarming and something he is not at all comfortable with, Detroit Lions rookie defensive end Larry Webster III expressed his growing concern Friday that teammate Ndamukong Suh has decided to take him under his wing. “Ndamukong often pulls me aside to give me pointers on improving my pass rush, and the other day it dawned on me that he might actually view himself as a role model for me, which is a pretty terrifying thought,” said a visibly shaken Webster, adding that he first suspected the three-time Pro Bowler had a special interest in him after Suh began offering advice on how to conduct oneself as an NFL player both on and off the field. “Maybe he wants to pass on his knowledge and experience because he sees a little of himself in me—that’s the sort of stuff that keeps me up at night.” Webster went on to say he is increasingly worried that Suh’s rumored offseason move to the Jets or Giants will fall through, ensuring that the veteran defensive tackle will continue offering guidance and support to young Lions players for years to come.
Fantasy Football Week 12: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
Report: More Elderly People Now Dying Surrounded By Coworkers #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the end-of-life trend has become increasingly prevalent in recent decades, a report released Friday by the U.S. Census Bureau revealed that a growing number of elderly citizens are now dying surrounded by their coworkers.
How Obama's Immigration Plan Would Work #~# President Obama has announced that he will take a series of executive actions to protect up to 5 million undocumented immigrants from deportation and help pave the way for those living in the country illegally to become U.S. citizens. Here is a step-by-step look at the president’s plan:
Corporate America Shaken By Death Of Longtime Consumer #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson.
‘Normal Barbie’ Updated To Include Scars, Acne, Cellulite #~# A year after introducing what the media has called “Normal Barbie,” a doll named Lammily with the height and weight proportions of an average 19-year-old girl, artist Nickolay Lamm has updated the doll to include an add-on pack of stickers showing acne, scars, cellulite, and stretch marks to make her even more representative of an average woman. What do you think?
Moron Stepfather Takes Care Of Child Who Doesn’t Have His Genetic Material #~# FALMOUTH, ME—Shaking their heads at the dense numbskull’s completely idiotic priorities, sources confirmed Friday that moron stepfather Jeffrey Ryan, 36, is taking care of a 3-year-old child who does not even possess his genetic material. “Tim is Meg’s child from her first marriage, but I honestly think of him as my own son,” said the vacuous simpleton, whose low-functioning brain cannot grasp that he is wasting precious time and money on feeding, clothing, and looking after a boy who does not share his DNA and will do nothing to further his bloodline. “I actually see some of myself in the little guy [and must be a complete imbecile to spend my days raising what is, effectively, a parasitic stranger who seeks only to leech off of my resources for his own genealogical gain]. I just want to give him the best life I can.” At press time, the dimwitted nimrod was reportedly tearing up while reading The Giving Tree to a boy who, after his death, will leave him with a wholly barren biological legacy.
Gay Man Unaware He Focus Of Thousands Of Prayers #~# SANTA ROSA, CA—Oblivious to the fact that he was being held in the hearts of Christian congregations across the country, 36-year-old gay man Andrew Fitzpatrick reportedly went about his grocery shopping Friday fully unaware that he was currently the focus of thousands of prayers. According to reports, Fitzpatrick made his way through the cereal aisle of his local Safeway without the slightest clue that, at that very moment, entire ministries of various Christian denominations were simultaneously bowing their heads, clasping their hands together, and asking God to release him from his sexual orientation. Sources further indicated that, although many men, women, and young children were channeling all their spiritual energy toward saving Fitzpatrick from his sexual desire for members of the same sex, not one of these individuals ever entered into the scope of the clueless graphic designer’s consciousness as he compared oatmeal brands. At press time, Fitzpatrick paused and looked upward, but reportedly only to take a box of breakfast bars off the shelf and not because he felt the power of numerous pastors around the country shouting “amen” on his behalf.
5 Million Illegal Immigrants To Realize Dreams Of Having Deportation Deferred #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that they had finally attained a life of slightly less uncertainty, 5 million of the nation’s illegal immigrants confirmed that the executive order announced by President Obama Thursday night would allow them to at last realize their dreams of having their deportation deferred for an indeterminate period of time. “When I came to this country 11 years ago, it was in the hope that one day, if I worked hard enough, I could be granted a temporary, tenuous reprieve from the threat of being forcefully removed,” said undocumented immigrant Luiz Adelo, adding that, like millions of his fellow illegal immigrants, he was overjoyed to learn that he will not be detained by Immigration Services in the very immediate future. “After escaping the drug cartel violence of my village and fleeing to America, it was the thought of a life suspended in complete limbo that kept me going as I traveled through the grueling desert terrain for three days. To be tacitly allowed to live and work in this country that I love, all the while knowing that this protection could disappear in two years, or even two months—it’s made it all worth it.” Sources confirmed that the 6 million immigrants not covered by the plan had scaled back their dreams to simply being political pawns in a future partisan showdown.
NBC, Netflix Cancel Bill Cosby’s Return To TV Amid Rape Allegations #~# After decades-old allegations resurfaced and more women came forward this week with new accusations that comedian Bill Cosby had drugged and sexually assaulted them, NBC and Netflix announced they were canceling in-development projects with the 77-year-old comic, including a stand-up special and a new sitcom that was to be his long-awaited return to television. What do you think?
Doctors Reveal Derrick Rose Injuries Leading To Incredible New Advancements In Orthopedic Surgery #~# CHICAGO—Saying that the 26-year-old’s body has necessitated cutting-edge medical treatment never before thought possible, leading doctors confirmed Thursday that Derrick Rose’s persistent injuries have led to groundbreaking advancements in the field of orthopedic surgery. “We essentially had to throw out all generally practiced methods for repairing muscle damage and experiment with totally revolutionary arthroscopic techniques, all just to ensure that Derrick’s legs are able to move and function normally,” said team surgeon Dr. Brian Cole, adding that Rose’s assortment of knee and ankle injuries throughout his NBA career have pushed surgeons to search for innovative new techniques to heal repeated muscle strains, cartilage damage, bone fractures, and ruptured ligaments. “Honestly, the fact that he can even walk is a testament to all the medical advancements we’ve made over the past six years since he started playing for the Bulls. There’s no telling how many millions of people these breakthroughs could eventually help, and we have Derrick to thank for that. It’s incredibly exciting.” Cole added that Rose’s career has also helped to greatly advance the discipline of sports psychology, forcing psychiatrists to develop brand-new psychotherapeutic approaches for counseling injury-blighted professional athletes who will never reach their full potential.
Temple University Receives Anonymous Donation To Build Center For Discrediting Rape Allegations #~# PHILADELPHIA—Stipulating that the funds be used for “furthering the invalidation of sexual assault claims wherever they occur,” an anonymous donation received Thursday by Temple University is reportedly intended to be used to build a center for discrediting rape allegations. “The donor, who has chosen to withhold his identity, requested that his $30 million endowment go toward a facility dedicated to undermining accusations of sexual abuse,” said alumni relations representative Cheryl Walker, adding that an unsigned letter accompanying the sizable contribution specified that the center act as a campuswide resource for damaging the reputation of rape victims, as well as a hub for research into methods of sowing doubt about sexual misconduct charges. “This benefactor, who is clearly a very wealthy individual, made plain through his legal intermediary that all students, faculty, and alumni have access to the center, and that especially promising work into tearing apart rape allegations until the accuser herself becomes an object of ridicule—even if such discrediting occurs decades after the fact—could receive additional funding.” Walker added that while $30 million was a significant amount of money, Temple had chosen to decline the funding and hoped it would not hear from the anonymous donor again.
Desperate GOP Spotted In South Dakota Trying To Build Keystone Pipeline Themselves #~# RAPID CITY, SD—Excavating hundreds of miles of trench following the defeat of a Senate bill that would have approved the project, dozens of desperate GOP congressmen were reportedly spotted in rural South Dakota Thursday trying to build the Keystone XL pipeline system themselves. “We really don’t have any other choice at the moment, so we’re going to build the best pipeline we can using our own two hands,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), flipping up his welding mask as he paused from beveling an expansion joint to direct a crane operated by House Majority Whip Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA). “Sometimes if you want to transport 830,000 barrels of crude oil a day from Canada to Nebraska, you just have to roll up your sleeves and do it yourself.” McConnell went on to say that while it might take a long time for GOP lawmakers to complete the 1,179-mile pipeline, the addition in January of approximately 20 incoming Republican congressmen should help speed up construction.
Makeshift Opinion Thrown Together From Viewpoint Currently Dominating Conversation #~# IOWA CITY, IA—Despite his having almost no actual knowledge or strong convictions related to the subject at hand, sources confirmed that local man Brendan Enos managed to hastily throw together a makeshift opinion from the viewpoint that was currently dominating the conversation at a dinner party Wednesday night. “Yeah, I agree with what Greg’s saying, but I definitely see how there’s two sides to the argument,” said Enos, who, over the course of the discussion, had internalized enough of his friends’ passionate talking points to assemble a temporary point of view aligned with the majority opinion, frequently reiterating comments others had already made in order to support and defend his working thesis. “Right, right. I think that’s true, but here’s what you need to remember.” At press time, Enos decided to roll his eyes at a counterpoint that he was desperately hoping someone else on his side would have a sufficient enough understanding of to refute.
Biden Tossed Out Of Car Passing By White House #~# WASHINGTON—At approximately 2 a.m. Thursday morning, White House sources confirmed that Vice President Joe Biden was forcibly pushed out the rear door of a moving 1980 Lincoln Town Car onto the curb outside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. “Whoa, those hombres were not fucking around,” said Biden, assuring a small group of onlookers that he was fine as he climbed to his feet and dusted himself off. “Being in the hole 50-large ain’t no joke, but no need to worry about me. Not the first time I’ve had my ass in a sling. And if there’s anything Diamond Joe knows, it’s how to rake in some quick green.” At press time, witnesses confirmed seeing Biden walking out of the Oval Office with Rembrandt Peale’s 1823 portrait of George Washington tucked into his jacket.
Study: Kids Throwing Away Healthier School Lunches #~# A new study has found that even though more U.S. children have access to healthier school lunches, thanks in part to efforts by First Lady Michelle Obama, the average kid eats about one bite of healthy food before throwing the rest away. What do you think?
A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies #~# Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years, featuring characters such as Ant-Man, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, and more. Here’s a release schedule for the upcoming films:
Area Theater Has Strict Rule Against Bringing In Outside Movies #~# AUSTIN, TX—Reiterating the movie theater’s longstanding policy, employees at Barton Creek Cinema confirmed Thursday that customers are strictly prohibited from bringing in their own films. “If anyone is caught sneaking outside movies into our theater, they will be politely asked to leave,” said general manager Joel Armstrong, noting that ushers had been instructed to look for any 35mm film canisters, reel-to-reel projectors, or surround sound speaker systems that ticket holders might be attempting to conceal on their person and carry into the theater. “Showing movies is actually how we make a lot of our money here, so in order to keep providing our clientele with a top-quality viewing experience, it’s important that customers watch only those movies that we are offering. That is why we ask all patrons to kindly leave their full-length documentary features and action films at home.” Armstrong added that if customers are intent on viewing their own motion pictures, they must finish them up in the parking lot before entering the building.
Senate Rejects Pipeline Plan That Would Have Created Thousands Of Climate Activist Jobs #~# WASHINGTON—Coming up just one vote short of the supermajority needed for the measure to pass, the U.S. Senate rejected an oil pipeline plan Tuesday that analysts say would have created thousands of climate activist jobs. “By blocking the Keystone XL bill, Senate Democrats have shown that they care more about appeasing their special interests than putting honest Americans back to work picketing pipeline construction sites and collecting signatures to block oil shipments through their state,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), who stressed that the initiative would have created some 42,000 jobs protesting the building of the structure along its proposed 1,179-mile route. “Yesterday’s vote was a vote against the creation of thousands of employment opportunities in important, high-growth industries such as environmental campaigning, organizing climate rallies, and monitoring global warming. Sadly, because of liberals’ short-sighted views, citizens from Montana to Nebraska won’t be able to find steady work vocally opposing climate change.” McConnell added that the setback was only temporary, however, stressing that as soon as his party takes control of the Senate next year, they will get to work creating hundreds of thousands of jobs raising awareness of dangerous industrial pollution and cleaning up oil spills.
Man Just Wants One Trip To Laundromat Where He Doesn’t Meet Perfect Woman #~# CHICAGO—Stating that he only wants to wash his clothes and be on his way, local man Eric Snyder told reporters Wednesday that for once he’d like to visit the laundromat without meeting an absolutely perfect woman. “I swear, it seems like every single time I head down to do a couple loads of wash, I end up choosing the same machine as an attractive, vivacious grad student who just happens to have a ton of similar interests,” said Snyder, lamenting that unfailingly before the first rinse cycle has begun, he’ll be involved in a flirtatious conversation with a stunning, engaging, and well-read 22-to-26-year-old who forgot her detergent at home. “Just one time I’d love to be able to fold my laundry in peace instead of looking up into the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. I’d have so much time to finish other chores if I could just put my clothes in the basket and leave without making plans to grab a coffee around the corner with an amazing woman after discovering that we share an identical quirky sense of humor.” Snyder also told reporters he would give anything for one morning commute without sitting across from a gorgeous woman reading the same book as him.
Charles Manson To Marry 26-Year-Old Visitor-Girlfriend, ‘Star’ #~# Afton “Star” Burton, the 26-year-old girlfriend of Charles Manson who has been visiting him in prison since she was 17 and runs several websites alleging his innocence, has reportedly procured a marriage license to wed the 80-year-old mass murderer. What do you think?
Study: Beginning Email With Short, Disingenuous Inquiry Into Personal Life Best Way To Network #~# CLEMSON, SC—Having carefully analyzed over 30,000 pieces of correspondence over a two-year period, a study released Wednesday by Clemson University confirmed that beginning an email to a well-connected individual with a short, disingenuous inquiry into his or her personal life is the best way to network. “We’ve discovered that opening your message by insincerely asking a non-specific question, such as how their family is doing or whether they enjoyed their vacation, is the perfect way to segue into your otherwise transparent request for help landing a job,” said lead researcher Roger Anton, adding that including a friendly jab about the other individual’s favorite sports team was found to have a particularly high rate of success in softening them up before getting to the real reason they were contacted. “It is clear that just one stand-alone sentence inquiring generally about the person’s life is sufficient before beginning your paragraph on your renewed job search. Our data also suggests that it is equally important to end the email with a vague reference to a hobby or interest of theirs, perhaps by mentioning that they must be excited that the ski season is right around the corner.” The study also confirmed that those who chose not to close with “Hope you are doing well” had a near-infinitesimal chance of getting what they wanted from the exchange.
Man Going To Trust Society’s Determination That He Deserves His Privilege #~# IRVINE, CA—Assuming that the many benefits he enjoys every day would not have been granted to him if he weren’t fully entitled to them, local man Brandon Naylor told reporters Wednesday he is willing to accept society’s determination that he deserves his privilege.
U-Haul Offers Discount For Customers Who Will Just Move Back Home In 18 Months After Failure To Make It In Major City #~# PHOENIX—Catering to a large and valuable segment of customers who have misguided visions of what city living will be like, truck rental company U-Haul announced Wednesday that it is now offering a discount to customers who will just end up moving back home in 18 months after failing to make it in a major metropolitan area. “Beginning today, we’re taking 30 percent off our mileage rate for those who pack up their belongings, head off to a large city, give their dreams a feeble shot, and then come crawling right back to the safety and security of home within a year and a half,” said U-Haul spokesman Christine Shipley, adding that the deal would apply to all 10-foot trucks designated for moving into studios and one-bedroom apartments, most of which customers will leave behind before their lease is even up. “We are also including free furniture blankets, bubble wrap, and boxes for the items that may not even be fully unpacked during the short time it takes for our customers to be spit right back out of the big city. If you’re making the big move that you truly are not prepared for at this point in your life, you can’t afford to pass up this deal.” The new offer follows U-Haul’s widely popular half-off discount for those who will take three weeks to deeply regret moving in with their significant other.
Woman Transitions From Being Terrified Of Getting Pregnant To Being Terrified She Can’t Get Pregnant #~# BETHLEHEM, PA— Acknowledging that she once considered conceiving a child to be the greatest threat to her future, local woman Rebecca Davis confirmed Wednesday that she has transitioned from being terrified of getting pregnant to being terrified she can’t get pregnant. “I’m just really scared that it may never happen at this point,” said the 34-year-old woman who has closed the chapter of her adult life when the sight of a negative pregnancy test brought on a wave of pure relief and is now consumed by anxiety that she may never see a blue plus sign. “All we can do is keep trying.” At press time, a desperate Davis was reportedly picking up fertility medication from the same pharmacy where she had once frantically purchased Plan B.
Mellowing Jihadist Not As Enraged By Western Culture As He Used To Be #~# MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN—Admitting he has “mellowed out a bit” with age, 54-year-old militant jihadist Adil Jalal Kalmati confided to reporters Wednesday that he now finds himself far less enraged by Western culture than he did in his younger days as a religious extremist.
Smartphone App Prevents Drunk Users From Posting On Social Media #~# A new smartphone app called Drunk Message Blocker prevents inebriated users from posting messages to Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, and other social networks by allowing them to input, prior to drinking, how many hours they plan to be drunk and then cutting off all their access during that time. What do you think?
Man Scolded By Brother-In-Law For Not Taking Better Advantage Of Open Bar #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Noticing that he was still drinking the same bottle of Samuel Adams from 10 minutes ago, brother-in-law Todd Moore reportedly admonished local man Bryan Campos for not taking full advantage of the open bar at a family wedding Saturday. “Dude, it’s free,” said Moore, noting that the clock was ticking and that there wasn’t even any line to order. “Why do you have one hand empty? C’mon, drink up. They’ve got a shit-ton of top-shelf stuff, and you don’t even have to tip the guy.” At press time, Moore was seen walking to the dance floor struggling to carry three whiskey sours.
Oxford Names ‘Vape’ Word Of The Year #~# Lexicographers for Oxford Dictionaries have named the word “vape,” meaning to inhale and exhale vapor from an electronic cigarette, as their word of the year for 2014, explaining that it “has been a lightning rod for a lot of discussion about the positions we want to take as a society.” What do you think?
Online Shopping vs. In-Store Shopping #~# While brick-and-mortar stores like Walmart and Target are advertising door-buster deals to get consumers in their aisles on Black Friday, many Americans are opting to take advantage of the ease and product variety of online shopping. Here are the benefits of each shopping method:
Scientists Receive $10 Million Grant To Melt Stuff #~# COLLEGE PARK, MD—Saying the money would help further researchers’ understanding of the awesome scientific phenomenon, representatives for the American Institute of Physics announced Tuesday that they had received a $10 million grant to melt stuff. “This funding will provide our researchers with the resources they need to put some junk over a really hot flame until it starts liquefying and gets all stretched out and stuff,” said AIP director James Griffith, adding that a portion of the grant would be allocated to making sure the flames were “real big” so that the research team could melt large items, such as desk chairs and lamps. “We already have a number of experiments lined up that will answer such questions as whether laboratory goggles or a digital thermometer melts first, and we’ve scheduled several trials to determine how fast we can melt a whole cafeteria tray. Pending our findings, my colleagues and I will then wait to see if all the melted stuff hardens up, at which point we intend to hold it over the flame and melt it again.” This research follows a $6 million study last year in which scientists were reportedly able to determine that dropping an electron microscope into a huge vat of acid is really fun.
McDonald’s Won’t Use GMO ‘Innate’ Potatoes #~# McDonald’s has announced that even though the FDA approved a new genetically modified potato called the Innate potato, which has DNA that has been altered so it doesn’t naturally produce cancer-causing chemicals when cooked at high temperatures, the company will not use them for french fries. What do you think?
Man, If I Only Knew Back In High School What I Still Have No Clue About #~# With my 40th birthday approaching, I’ve found myself taking stock a lot recently, reflecting on where I’m at in my life. When I do, I can’t help but wonder how much differently things might have turned out if, in my high school years, I’d somehow been wiser in the ways of the world. Yeah, I know—hindsight is 20/20. But man, it’s so tempting to consider. What if I’d known then all the stuff I’m still completely clueless about now?
EPA Unveils Plan To Add 500 Million Squirts Of Lemon To U.S. Water Supply #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to improve quality and refreshment levels, the Environmental Protection Agency announced Tuesday that municipalities around the country will begin adding a combined 500 million squirts of fresh lemon to the U.S. water supply. “Starting this week, water utility workers will infuse the nation’s drinking supply with enough lemon to ensure that the 30 billion gallons of water that citizens use daily has a crisp, invigorating taste,” said EPA administrator Gina McCarthy, detailing a plan to add a “bit of zest” to the country’s potable water reserves by spritzing the juice contained in hundreds of millions of individual lemon wedges into reservoirs, wells, and freshwater lakes throughout all 50 states. “We believe the hint of citrus will both taste great and leave citizens’ hands smelling nice and lemony whenever they wash them. For decades, Americans have been forced to make do with the bland, flavorless water coming out of their faucets, and we believe this latest effort will really liven things up.” According to sources, the EPA hopes its new plan will be met more favorably than its decision last year to supplement the water supply with 350 million tons of whey protein powder to bulk up the nation’s muscle mass.
Girlfriend Talks Through Whole Goddamn Commercial #~# WHEELING, WV—Saying that he was unable to focus fully on the storyline or hear crucial parts of the dialogue, area man Richard Heller told reporters that his girlfriend talked through a whole goddamn Papa John’s commercial Sunday evening. “As soon as the ad came on, she started yapping about something she was reading online and I totally missed what Peyton [Manning] said to Papa John,” said Heller, explaining that his girlfriend’s careless and persistent interruption of the 30-second spot prevented him from catching the full list of ingredients on the pizza chain’s new Fritos Chili Cheese Pizza. “I know Papa John said something about how it took 30 years for him to put Fritos on a pizza, but I have no idea what happened next. Why can’t she just wait to talk about this stuff during the game?” Heller said he could always rewind the DVR to find out how much the large specialty pizza costs, but that it wouldn’t be the same.
Facebook Reportedly Building LinkedIn-Style ‘Facebook At Work’ #~# According to reports, Facebook is developing a new platform to compete with LinkedIn and Google Drive called Facebook at Work, which would allow workers to chat with colleagues, collaborate on documents, and establish professional contacts. What do you think?
Pacific Ocean Quarantined After Contact With Carnival Cruise Ship #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to control the spread of a significant health threat, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention quarantined the Pacific Ocean Monday after the body of water reportedly came into contact with Carnival’s Crown Princess cruise ship. “This morning at 10:05 a.m., we confirmed direct exposure between the Pacific Ocean and a Carnival cruise liner, and we took immediate action to confine all 63.8 million square miles of its water,” said CDC director Thomas Frieden, adding that crews were erecting a biohazard tent over the area spanning from Tokyo Bay to the Los Angeles coastline. “The movement of all sea life will be highly restricted while the Pacific Ocean is closed off for a full 30-day monitoring period, during which time health officials will inspect the marine expanse for symptoms of any Carnival Cruise-based contagion.” Frieden expressed relief that officials had fortunately prepared for this possibility and caught the outbreak before any infected waves reached the shore.
Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted #~# BERKELEY, CA—Citing compelling fossil evidence that the prehistoric species died suddenly and treacherously, paleontologists at the University of California, Berkeley announced Monday that dinosaurs were almost certainly killed by someone they trusted. “Our findings indicate that someone, we don’t know who, spent at least 150 million years gaining the confidence of dinosaurs before abruptly betraying them and taking their lives near the end of the Cretaceous Era,” said lead researcher Professor Janet Bower, adding that dinosaurs likely had an innately innocent and unsuspecting nature that this individual could exploit to get within easy striking distance. “The distribution and condition of dinosaur bones strongly suggests that these creatures died without a struggle and that they had been caught totally off-guard by an individual they naively considered a friend. Those that had time to regard their killer were no doubt absolutely shocked.” Bower went on to suggest that if the mightiest creatures to walk the face of the earth could be wiped out by letting someone get close to them, humanity could too.
NFL Week 11 Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 11th week of the NFL season:
Lester Holt Fills In For Brian Williams During Family’s Nightly Dinner #~# NEW CANAAN, CT—Driving up from the city after learning that the family’s regular patriarch would be out of town filming a special assignment, NBC News anchor Lester Holt filled in for Brian Williams Monday during his family’s nightly dinner, sources confirmed. “Good evening everyone, Brian has the night off and will be back tomorrow,” said Holt as he sat down at the head of the family’s dining room table before scooping himself a helping of chicken marsala and checking in with each member of the Williams family on how their day had gone. “Jane, I’ve got to say, these roasted potatoes are absolutely fantastic. Now, Doug, what can you tell us about the ongoing conflict with your coworker? Are there any signs of possible resolution in the days ahead?” Following the conclusion of the meal, Holt reportedly signed off by excusing everyone from the table and began silently washing the dishes.
New History Channel Program Explores What Would Have Happened If History Channel Never Existed #~# NEW YORK—Promising viewers a glimpse into a shocking alternate reality, the History Channel is set to debut Monday its newest show, Life Without History, which theorizes a world in which the cable channel had never been created. “This exciting program takes viewers back to 1995 as our parent company, A&E, decides to focus its resources on existing projects rather than launch a new network, and then follows the development of an unusual nonfiction television landscape completely different than the one we have come to know,” executive producer Janet Harper said of the six-part primetime event, which includes interviews with historical experts and employs computer simulations to explore what shows viewers might have watched instead. “We’ll delve into fascinating questions, like how would individuals have spent their Thursday nights in a world without Pawn Stars and Pawnography? What, if anything, would entertain war buffs with no Patton 360 or Battlefield Detectives? And whether the compelling stories of men who drive trucks across frozen Arctic lakes would have ever been told to a television audience.” Harper said she didn’t want to give away any of the show’s secrets, but noted that Swamp People would have found a way to exist whether there was a History Channel or not.
Son Never Showed Such Dedication Until Starting Football Hazing #~# LEBANON, PA—Claiming the extracurricular activity has brought out a side of their son they’ve never seen before, the parents of local student Dylan Martel told reporters Monday that the high school senior has shown tremendous dedication ever since he began hazing others on the football team. “I’ve always said that Dylan just needed to apply himself to succeed, and that’s exactly what he started doing when he took up football hazing this year—it seems to have sparked a real passion inside him,” said mother Caroline Martel, who expressed amazement at her son’s discipline in staying late after school each day to force younger teammates to shave their heads, shower in freezing cold water, and then run laps around the field in their underwear and shoulder pads. “We never thought Dylan would put in the effort required for an activity like making every rookie on the varsity team strip naked in the locker room so they could be assaulted by upperclassmen, but football hazing has really changed him. He’s just a happier, more confident person now.” Martel’s parents added that while they didn’t necessarily see their son continuing on with football hazing in college, they had no doubt the lessons he has learned about how to interact with others would stay with him for the rest of his life.
Study: Playing Action Video Games Can Make Children Better Learners #~# A study from a researcher at the University of Rochester claimed that playing fast-paced action video games can help young people become better learners by requiring the brain to multitask and process a variety of different stimuli at the same time. What do you think?
Report: 98% Of NFL Team Leaders Need To Step Up #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Citing the high number of leadership voids that have remained unfulfilled in locker rooms across the league, a new report published Friday in the Journal Of Quantitative Analysis In Sports revealed that a startling 98 percent of NFL team leaders currently need to step up. “Our findings have conclusively and irrefutably shown that the overwhelming majority of team captains have to just go out there and lead by example,” said study co-author Greg Mollison, noting that a growing number of senior players from all 32 NFL teams can’t simply rest on their laurels and need to realize that younger teammates look to them when the game is on the line. “Further data indicates that it’s now or never for 74 percent of veteran players, while 81 percent need to show why they’ve been stalwarts in the league for so long. Meanwhile, we’ve found that talk is all well and good for 91 percent of such players, but at the end of the day, they need to take care of business on the field because they’re the face of the franchise.” While the study confirmed that over half of all team leaders should be prepared to carry the team on their back and take them all the way, only 4 percent are projected to successfully do so.
Mall To Fine Shops $200 Per Hour For Being Closed On Thanksgiving #~# The owners of a shopping mall in Buffalo, NY have reportedly threatened to levy a $200-per-hour fine on any mall retailer that refuses to open its doors at 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving, angering store employees who want to spend time with family. What do you think?
Band Dreams Of One Day Becoming Popular Enough To Alienate Early Fans #~# AUSTIN, TX—Hoping to eventually reach a worldwide audience, members of the alt-rock band Few Are Silent told reporters Friday that they dream of one day becoming popular enough to completely alienate their early fans. “Right now, we’re just paying our dues by playing gigs around town, but it’d be pretty cool if someday we have a huge disaffected fan base that insists only our first two albums are worth listening to,” said lead singer and rhythm guitarist Jack Lewis, adding that the group aspires to someday team up with several high-profile Los Angeles music producers to create a more polished, radio-friendly sound despised by the band’s original fans. “Maybe five or 10 years down the line, I’d love to sell out stadiums and put on highly choreographed, overproduced shows that our current fans would claim don’t even come close to capturing the raw energy that we had back when we were just playing small clubs.” Lewis confirmed that he sometimes imagines a 20th-anniversary reunion concert at Madison Square Garden with just two of his original bandmates and several studio musicians.
Man Sort Of Curious What His Last Straw Is Going To Be #~# SPOKANE, WA—Confirming that almost any aspect of his life could conceivably push him over the edge, local man Matthew Thurston told reporters Friday that he is sort of curious as to what his last straw is going to be. “I wonder if my breaking point is going to be an incident with my family, some disagreement with my coworkers, or maybe a run-in with a total stranger—it’s really anyone’s guess,” said Thurston, adding that, for all he knew, he might come completely apart for as trivial a reason as misunderstanding the tone of an email or unsatisfactory service at a restaurant. “There are just so many possibilities. My wife could leave me, I might get fired. Maybe someone cuts me off in traffic, and I just snap. It’s pretty much impossible for me to narrow it down.” Thurston went on to say that he also occasionally wondered if, when the time came, he was going to freak out or just quietly fall to pieces.
High School Sweethearts To One Day Tell Grandchildren How They Met During Lockdown #~# SLATSBURY, OH—Sharing tender smiles with each other as they recounted the story they will one day tell their grandchildren, sweethearts Beth Adelwright and Jason Knelberg told reporters Friday how they met underneath the same small table during an active shooter lockdown at their high school.
School District Strikes All Religious Holidays From Calendar After Muslims Request Inclusion #~# After Muslim leaders in Maryland asked their local school district to include the Muslim holy day Eid al-Adha on its official calendar and give students the day off, the county’s Board of Education voted to quietly strike all other religious holidays, including Christmas, Easter, Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur, from the calendar. What do you think?
Fantasy Football Week 11: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
Chinese Citizens Gather In Beijing Square To Watch U.S. National Debt Clock Strike $18 Trillion #~# BEIJING—Celebrating the milestone with hugs, jubilant cheers, and singing, over 600,000 Chinese citizens assembled in Tiananmen Square today to watch the U.S. debt clock mounted above the Forbidden City reach the landmark sum of $18 trillion dollars. “You could stay home and watch it on TV, but it’s much more exciting to be here with people from all over the country to celebrate this momentous day,” said Beijing resident Xiao Bu, noting that he always arrives in the early morning to stake out a good location in the square every time America’s debt rises by another trillion. “I remember my father taking me to see the $5 trillion mark so long ago, and now I’m bringing my own children here to take part in the festivities. It’s really a special part of our nation’s culture.” While most revelers left shortly after the rollover, an estimated 100,000 reportedly decided to just wait around in the square until the clock struck $19 trillion.
New Law To Forgive Student Debt For College Graduates Once All Their Dreams Shattered #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide relief from the burden of high-interest monthly payments, a new law will forgive college graduates’ federal student loan debt once all their dreams have been shattered, sources confirmed Thursday. “Instead of spending decades weighed down by their loans, borrowers will now qualify to have those obligations wiped away the moment they completely abandon every aspiration they’ve ever had for their adult life,” said Department of Education spokesperson Jill Moore, adding that all outstanding loan principal and accumulated interest could be immediately discharged simply by logging onto the department’s website and confirming that no shred of hope for the future remained. “If you’ve given up completely because the post-graduate world has thwarted every attempt you’ve made to achieve even one of your professional goals, you should definitely consider this program.” Moore went on to say that the sooner borrowers threw away their dreams, the sooner they could take advantage of the new policy.
Calvin Klein Criticized After Hiring Size-10 Model For Plus-Size Line #~# Calvin Klein was widely criticized this week after recruiting a model who wears a size 10 to appear in an ad campaign for its “Perfectly Fit” plus-size clothing line in what many believe promotes an inaccurate view of women’s bodies, though the company stressed that it never actually called the model plus-size. What do you think?
All The Cheapest Items On Wedding Registry Already Purchased #~# DAYTON, OH—Growing increasingly discouraged while scrolling through the wedding website for college friends Kevin Fisher and Allison Scully, local 25-year-old Rob Hoffman expressed his frustration to reporters Thursday that all the cheapest items on the couple’s registry had already been purchased. “Of course someone grabbed that bath towel set right away, but you’d think there would at least be something here—wok utensils or a Crock-Pot—that was still under a hundred bucks,” said Hoffman, who added with concern that every item from Bed Bath & Beyond in the pictorial list was now grayed out, along with the handful of affordable options on their Sur La Table registry. “I should have bought that vegetable slicer a few days ago when I had the chance. At this rate, I’m going to end up spending, like, $200 minimum on them. Jesus.” At press time, Hoffman had refreshed the page to discover the only remaining options were now the $349 Nespresso VertuoLine Espresso Maker and a 40-piece china set.
Married Couple Frustrated After Months Of Unsuccessfully Trying To Sell A Baby #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Discouraged that the process seems so simple for other couples, Doug and Linda Bergeron told reporters Thursday that they are growing increasingly frustrated after many months of trying unsuccessfully to sell a baby. “Every night we come home and try, but it just hasn’t happened for us yet, even though all our friends have done it with no problem,” said 35-year-old Linda Bergeron, adding that she and her husband have spent countless hours consulting the internet for tips on selling a newborn and are worried that they have exhausted every possible option. “I feel bad because I’m getting short with my husband about it—and he’s frustrated because he feels like less of a man for not being able to sell a child with me.” Bergeron went on to say that, with their luck, they’ll end up selling a baby the moment they stop trying so hard.
Man Tentatively Takes Shot At Bad-Mouthing Girlfriend’s Family For First Time #~# MANCHESTER, CT—Following an evening out at a local restaurant with his girlfriend, Emily Lynch, and her parents, 27-year-old Jeff Platt reportedly worked up the courage Thursday morning to tentatively take a shot at bad-mouthing her family for the first time. “So, your mom’s kind of got a lot of strong opinions,” said Platt with an audible note of hesitancy in his voice, anxiously sitting on the edge of his seat as he waited for any reaction that might indicate Lynch’s receptiveness to the criticism leveled against her mother for dominating the dinnertime conversation and refusing to admit she was wrong—traits that Lynch herself had vocally condemned numerous times before. “She’s definitely, you know, never afraid to say what’s on her mind.” Sensing from her nonverbal cues that he had crossed a line, a panicked Platt is said to have quickly spun his assessment of Lynch’s mother into a positive, saying that his girlfriend and her sisters were lucky to be raised by such a strong-willed woman.
NFL Opens Counseling Center To Help Bears Fans Cope With Devastating Blowouts #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to provide much-needed psychotherapy services and professional support to local Chicago communities, the NFL officially unveiled a new counseling center Thursday for Bears fans struggling to cope with devastating blowouts. “With this new facility, which is open 24 hours a day, fans will be able to come in and talk through feelings of severe depression, anxiety, grief, anger, and hopelessness with our highly trained staff in a supportive, confidential setting,” said NFL spokesman Greg Aiello, noting that patients have the option of speaking to therapists one-on-one or joining a group session to help them come to terms with a disastrous Bears performance. “Of course, the center is not just for those suffering in the immediate aftermath of a particularly difficult or traumatic loss. Patients may also receive care when the team is mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, the front office offers a new contract to an underperforming player, or any other such issue arises within the Bears organization that causes significant emotional pain and mental anguish. Our message to depressed or suicidal Bears fans is clear: You are not alone, and help is here.” Aiello went on to say that while the NFL chose to place its flagship counseling center in the city of greatest need, plans are in place to soon open similar facilities in Jacksonville, Oakland, and Tampa Bay.
Family Has Strict No Smartphone Rule While Eating Dinner In Front Of TV #~# TRUMBULL, CT—Saying it’s the only time of day when everyone can be together in one place, the Gleason family confirmed Thursday that it strictly forbids smartphones to be used while eating dinner in front of the television. “Dinner is a chance for us to sit down as a whole family—is it really so much to ask that everyone puts down their phone for just one hour while we eat and watch some TV?” said mother Diane Gleason, adding that the rule gives the busy family of four a chance to enjoy shows stored on DVR without getting sidetracked by checking Facebook, playing games, or reading text messages. “We’re all so attached to our devices that we sometimes forget about taking time to come together for a little while, set aside our technological distractions, and watch The Big Bang Theory as a family. The kids may groan about it, but if it wasn’t for dinner, none of us might be caught up on any shows at all.” Gleason went on to say that even she had days when she’d rather be on her phone than watching The Voice, but knew it was important for the family that she follow the household rule at all times.
Woman Comforting Friend Just Going To Throw Compliments Against Wall And See What Sticks #~# BILLINGS, MT—In an attempt to console her distraught friend following a recent breakup, local woman Janet Hendrickson told reporters Thursday that she was just going to throw a bunch of compliments about the woman against the wall and see what sticks. “I started out trying to comfort Lindsay [Fitzgerald] by focusing on what an incredible and sweet person she is, but that reached a dead end pretty quickly, so now I’m just kind of rattling off whatever positive attributes come to mind until one of them seems to do the trick,” said Hendrickson, noting that she made a point to hit the big bases of Fitzgerald’s beauty and intelligence early on before casting a wider net of flattering remarks about her upbeat attitude, amiable personality, and her loyalty as a friend. “Talking about all the hard work she put in to get her job and how much she’s accomplished there seemed to get a good reaction, so I just sort of ran with that until I’d squeezed just about everything I could out of it. But now I’m just taking some shots in the dark here, like telling her how she’s a good communicator and how she dresses nicely. I even said she had a great voice—I have no idea where that came from.” At press time, Hendrickson had thankfully found a means of discontinuing her scattershot barrage of compliments by telling Fitzgerald that it didn’t matter what anyone else thought about her as long as she believed in herself.
10th-Grade Prodigy Studying Mathematics At 10th-Grade Level #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—Marveling at his extraordinary proficiency in geometry for someone his age, teachers at T.C. Williams High School told reporters Thursday that local 10th-grade prodigy Michael Greenan is currently studying mathematics at a 10th-grade level. “Michael is a really gifted kid. He’s working his way through a sophomore math textbook right now, learning and applying concepts such as the Pythagorean theorem and the Cartesian coordinate system that his fellow 10th-graders can’t even begin to comprehend,” said Greenan’s math teacher, Emily Cress, citing the 16-year-old whiz’s impressive understanding of the state-mandated curriculum that is designated appropriate for his age range. “The truth is, he’s always had exceptional mathematical abilities. I remember hearing crazy stories years ago about how he passed his eighth-grade placement tests at 13. If he keeps this up, by the end of the year, he could be ready for 11th-grade algebra 2.” Cress went on to add that at this rate, the wunderkind will probably graduate from college by the time he’s 22.
Astronomers Discover Planet Identical To Earth With Orbital Space Mirror #~# WASHINGTON—In what many are hailing as the most significant development in the history of space exploration, NASA scientists announced Thursday that a planet seemingly identical to Earth has been discovered by the agency’s Orbital Space Mirror.
White Supremacist Founds New KKK Chapter Open To Black, Gay People #~# A self-described reformed white supremacist in Montana claims to have founded a new Ku Klux Klan chapter called the Rocky Mountain Knights that will promote diversity by accepting Jews, black people, and homosexuals. What do you think?
Job Perks And Benefits That Companies Offer Employees #~# Facebook and Google recently announced that they will be subsidizing egg-freezing procedures as a benefit for female employees. Here are some other perks and benefits employees enjoy at companies around the nation:
God Unable To Remember What Year Humanity Goes Extinct #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying that He definitely knew the event was scheduled for some point within the vast expanse of time, the Lord God Almighty told reporters Wednesday that He was unable to remember exactly what year humanity goes extinct. “Dammit, when are they supposed to die off again?” The Divine Creator asked Himself, adding that He could swear it was in 2016 or 3016, but expressed frustration at His inability to recall the precise date the entirety of mankind is supposed to be purged from the Earth. “Maybe it was 1995. I don’t know—my gut is telling me it’s in the next century, but pretty much all of these dates feel familiar now. Shit, I hope I didn’t miss it.” At press time, sources confirmed that the deity had scrapped all former plans and just slated the mass extinction for early next week.
Congress Passes Bill To Add Armed Patrol To U.S. Poverty Line #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that current efforts to safeguard the boundary do not go far enough, Congress approved a landmark bill Wednesday that will deploy armed patrols along the U.S. poverty line. “At present, the border between the impoverished and the relatively well-off is not fully secure, but this legislation will ensure that we have the security forces and equipment we need to deter anyone living below this boundary from crossing into the middle class,” said the bill’s sponsor, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), noting that the measure will position heavily armed personnel along the full length of the poverty line, which extends through numerous inner cities, across Appalachia, and over the entire breadth of the country. “The fact is that the people who live below this boundary are desperate, often lawless individuals who want the freedoms and opportunities that we have on our side of the border, and they will do anything to get here. This measure will finally provide agents with the resources they need to stem these unwanted intrusions into our territory by using intimidation, threats of incarceration, or force if necessary.” Ryan added that he would be open to further fortifying the poverty line, citing the success of the impenetrable wall that the U.S. has built along its upper boundary between the middle class and the rich.
Walmart Turning Black Friday Into 5-Day Event #~# Walmart has announced that it will extend the Black Friday shopping period into a five-day-long event, launching online deals Thanksgiving morning, opening its doors to shoppers at 6 p.m. that night, and continuing to offer “door-buster sales” every day through Cyber Monday. What do you think?
China Vows To Begin Aggressively Falsifying Air Pollution Numbers #~# BEIJING—Acknowledging the industrialized nation’s role in global climate change, China reportedly reached a landmark agreement with the United States Wednesday, pledging to significantly increase the rate at which it falsifies air pollution data over the next 15 years. “As the world’s leading manufacturer and a rising global economy, we consider it our responsibility to begin taking aggressive measures to fabricate pollution statistics and openly misinform the rest of the world about our level of carbon emissions,” said Chinese president Xi Jinping during a joint press conference with U.S. president Barack Obama, noting that, while China has already taken steps to misrepresent its air quality, it will steadily expand its current deception and begin distorting data in a variety of new sectors, such as grossly overstating its level of investment in solar, wind, and other renewable energy sources. “China is strongly committed to the goal of claiming its greenhouse gas output has been cut in half by 2030. We will work tirelessly to exaggerate, manipulate, and in many cases flat-out lie about the amount of pollutants Chinese factories and energy plants release into the atmosphere. That is our unwavering pledge.” At press time, Chinese officials announced that the country had already met its goal.
Man Trying To Enter Conversation Spends Few Minutes Smiling And Nodding At Edge Of Circle #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Having found himself without others to interact with at a house party Wednesday, guest Ben Weaver reportedly attempted to enter a conversation by spending a few minutes just smiling and nodding at the edge of a circle of people. “Uh-huh,” said Weaver after gently nudging himself into a small gap between two members of the group and patiently making eye contact with each person who spoke in hopes of being drawn into the discussion. “Yeah, yeah.” After he went largely ignored, sources confirmed Weaver quietly backed away from the group and repeated the process with three other clusters of partygoers before going home.
Senate Democrats Hoping To Go Out In Final Blaze Of Glory By Passing One Last Neutered Bill #~# WASHINGTON—With the party set to lose control of the chamber following defeats in the midterm elections, Senate Democrats announced Wednesday that they are prepared to go out in a final blaze of glory by passing one last completely neutered bill.
Report: Friend’s Dad Knows Someone With Season Tickets #~# GREENWOOD, IN—Fueling speculation that the seats could be available for one of the team’s remaining home games, reports surfaced Tuesday revealing that the father of local eighth-grader Anthony Canella knows someone who owns Indianapolis Colts season tickets. “Anthony told me that somebody his dad works with has had Colts season tickets for, like, 15 years, and his entire family actually got to use them last year for a game against the Texans,” said Evan Barros, 14, adding that while the seats in question are said to be in the upper deck around the 15-yard line, the view of the field is reportedly still pretty good. “Apparently the guy has five seats, so if he can’t go to a game—or even if he has a few spare tickets—maybe we could use them. I mean, he’d probably rather give them away than just let them go to waste. It’s worth asking about, at least.” At press time, Canella’s dad confirmed that his coworker will actually be out of town during Sunday’s game against the Patriots, but had unfortunately already sold his tickets on StubHub.
Nicki Minaj Apologizes For Nazi-Inspired Music Video #~# Singer Nicki Minaj apologized this week after her new music video received widespread backlash for depicting scenes with Nazi-inspired imagery, including swastika-like symbols on red flags, saying that she “would never condone Nazism in [her] art.” What do you think?
Obamacare Architect: Law Passed Because Of ‘Stupidity Of The American Voter’ #~# In a video that leaked on the internet this week, a lead consultant for the Affordable Care Act said that President Obama’s signature health care law was only able to pass because “the stupidity of the American voter” allowed its architects to frame the individual mandate in a way that didn’t make it seem like a tax. What do you think?
Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back #~# Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week. Here’s a look back at some defining moments in the history of the iconic show:
Jay Cutler: ‘I’ll Be The First Person To Admit We Need A New Punter’ #~# CHICAGO—Following the team’s blowout 55-14 loss to the Green Bay Packers Sunday night, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told reporters Tuesday that he would be the first person to admit the team is in dire need of a new punter. “It’s certainly not an easy thing to say, but at the end of the day, someone has to step up and accept that mistakes were made by our punter, Pat O’Donnell,” said Cutler, who pointed to O’Donnell’s blocked punt in the third quarter as playing a major role in the team’s unraveling and conceded that blame for the team’s loss rested squarely on the rookie punter. “Going forward, there will have to be some serious adjustments made to our punt unit—when individual players aren’t doing their part out there, we’re going to fall short as a team. Pat didn’t play well, and he needs to accept responsibility for that.” Cutler went on to acknowledge that Bears long snapper Jeremy Cain will also need to step up his performance significantly before next week’s game against the Vikings if the team is to have any chance of turning its season around.
Young Child Still Developing Antibodies To Mountain Dew #~# RADNOR, PA—Explaining that the child’s fever, nausea, and general discomfort were “completely normal” following his recent exposure to the substance, pediatricians at Radnor Health Associates informed the parents of local 5-year-old Jacob Fair on Tuesday that the young boy is still in the process of developing antibodies to Mountain Dew. “A child’s immune system is immature at birth and takes time to build up a natural resistance to Mountain Dew, but you can rest assured that Jacob is currently developing the antibodies he needs to tolerate the soda without becoming sick or diseased,” Dr. Alan Virgil told Fair’s parents, explaining that the current symptoms could last seven to 12 days and recommending that Fair get plenty of bed rest as his body synthesizes specialized proteins that can quickly recognize the soda, bind to it, and flush it from his body before it can inflict damage. “Every child feels lousy when he’s first exposed to Mountain Dew—it’s just part of growing up and maturing. But by the time he arrives at kindergarten and is exposed to Mountain Dew Kickstart, Code Red, and other Mountain Dew products that his friends bring to class, he’ll soon be able to drink numerous cans every day without slowing down for a second.” The pediatrician added that if Fair’s mother planned to have another child, she might be able to prevent a repeat of the scenario by drinking plenty of Mountain Dew during pregnancy, ensuring that antibodies are passed down in utero.
Pepsi Testing ‘Dewitos,’ Doritos-Flavored Mountain Dew #~# Pepsi officials have confirmed reports that the company is testing a Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew called Dewitos at select colleges around the country. What do you think?
No One Should Have The Right To Die Until God Is Done Toying With Them #~# Life is a sacred gift from God. He decided that we should be born and, when the time comes, He decides that we should pass on from this world. We should be grateful for whatever precious moments He gives us—and no one, not even the terminally ill, has the right to die until God is done toying with them.
Report: None Of Good Cousins Coming To Thanksgiving This Year #~# SCHENECTADY, NY—In a highly disappointing development expected to put a damper on the entire holiday weekend, sources within the Cunningham family confirmed Tuesday that none of the good cousins are coming to this year’s Thanksgiving gathering.
Man Has No Idea What To Do With Visiting Friend Between Meals #~# CHICAGO—Struggling to piece together an itinerary for the upcoming weekend, 27-year-old Greg Randolph confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he has no idea what to do with his visiting friend between meals. “After going out for breakfast, I guess maybe we could check out that bakery that just opened by my place. That’d put us really close to a cool little coffee shop that we could hit up on the way to lunch,” said Randolph, who thus far had only come up with the ideas of having ice cream, grabbing a drink, and swinging by a local farmers market as potential activities to fill in the gaps while his friend is in town. “Then Saturday afternoon is just wide open. We could head to a brewpub I guess, or just pick up a smoothie or something and find a place to sit outside. Or maybe we could take a walk through the university campus—there’s always food trucks there.” At press time, Randolph suggested that on Sunday they check out the Art Institute of Chicago’s café.
Completely Uninhibited Party Guest Still Choosing To Talk About Work #~# CHICAGO—Although the account manager’s inhibitions had disappeared completely after he consumed his third beer, sources at a house party attended by staff members of Stratway Media confirmed this evening that their colleague Jeremy Norton was nonetheless choosing to talk about work. “I thought Terry made some interesting points this morning. Say what you will about his management style, but I think he’s probably what our department needs,” said Norton, who despite having imbibed enough alcohol to feel at ease discussing such personal and private matters as his romantic interests, political opinions, and even his recent decision to start jogging, elected to spend another 15 minutes analyzing the likelihood the sales department would meet its fourth-quarter goals. “And Alyson has been great since she came over from Pinnacle. She’s really jelled with the rest of the team.” At press time, a tipsy Norton had changed the subject from the television series that people were currently watching to an analysis of the company’s conference room reservation policy.
Report: America Still World Leader In Manufacturing Excuses #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Revealing that Americans still excel in assembling all types of justifications, a report released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University confirmed that the United States remains the world’s unrivaled leader in manufacturing excuses. “Our data shows that the American people are able to churn out millions of excuses every day, a rate five times faster than that of our closest international competitor,” said author Tom McCullough, who noted that the country continues to dominate in every excuse-manufacturing subsector, with Americans mass-producing rationalizations for everything from why they didn’t finish college to which of their colleagues should be blamed for them not receiving a promotion. “Whether U.S. citizens are trying to get out of work, an upcoming party, or even a relationship, American excuses are still the envy of the industrialized world. Few countries can produce the same quality or quantity of pretexts, alibis, or half-assed explanations.” McCullough added that the report probably could have been far better had his team been given more time and resources.
Authorities Break Into Man's House To Find Dozens Of Neglected Fantasy Teams #~# PHILADELPHIA—Responding to reports of a suspicious lack of activity at the address, local authorities entered area 27-year-old Grant Novak’s house Thursday to find dozens of neglected fantasy football teams, sources reported. “At approximately 2:30 this afternoon, we recovered a number of abandoned rosters from the residence in critical condition—we can’t determine exactly how long they’ve been left here, but we have evidence indicating that some of these lineups haven’t received any attention at all since Week 3,” officer Keith Wade told reporters, confirming that one severely overlooked team still had Adrian Peterson slotted as starting running back. “The owner of these teams appears to have signed up for an unsettling number of leagues with no intention of putting in the necessary time and effort to maintain them, at which point the perpetrator callously left them all alone in cold blood. As for the teams themselves, we have no choice but to wait and see if they show any signs of improvement over what remains of the season.” At press time, authorities were shocked to discover one of Novak’s neglected teams was doing well enough to outrank more than half of his coworkers.
Mild-Mannered Reporter Suddenly Transforms Into Incredible Unemployed Man #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Mere moments after stepping into his managing editor’s office as his unassuming alter ego, Pete Bates, a mild-mannered 36-year-old reporter for the Kansas City Star, emerged into the publication’s main newsroom as the amazing Unemployed Man, eyewitnesses confirmed Monday. According to reports, Bates underwent his remarkable transformation after a sobering discussion about market realities and declining circulation numbers, leading him to discard his humble day-to-day identity characterized by his black-frame eyeglasses, a timid persona, and 12 years on the city government beat, and reappear before a gathering crowd of coworkers as the Unemployed Man, complete with extensive powers of severance pay and COBRA health coverage eligibility. Sources told reporters that the Unemployed Man utilized his lightning speed to pack up his belongings and carry them out the front door by the end of the workday, while also drawing upon his extraordinary powers of strength and invulnerability to look the rest of the editorial staff in the eyes and say his goodbyes without openly weeping in front of them. Within seconds of completing the task, the Unemployed Man is said to have swiftly disappeared from the scene, leaving only shocked and dazed onlookers behind. Upon receiving word of the Unemployed Man’s situation, sources confirmed that his arch-nemesis, the Viral Man—operating from deep within his News Aggregator Lair—smiled, nodded, and said that all was proceeding according to plan.
Modest ISIS Leader Credits Promotion Entirely To Drone Strikes #~# MOSUL, IRAQ—Insisting he was just an ordinary jihadist that found himself in the right place at the right time, new ISIS commander Nureddin Farzat attributed his recent promotion entirely to U.S. drone strikes, sources confirmed Monday. “While I’d love to pat myself on the back for being elevated to field commander, I have to say the missiles that killed my supervisor and wounded several of my peers really paved the way for me to advance,” said Farzat, conceding that while he had impressed his superiors with his leadership in ethnic cleansing campaigns, the strikes from U.S. Predator drones deserved “99.9 percent of the credit.” “Sure, I’ve spearheaded suicide bombings in Kurdish regions, but if those airstrikes had never happened, the Shura Council would never have even considered me. ISIS has so many exceptional fighters and natural-born leaders that there’s no way I could have done this without a whole lot of luck.” Farzat went on to say that he sees himself remaining at his current rank indefinitely until another drone strike occurs or the Iraqi army puts up a decent fight.
Custom Fireplace Store Totally Jumps Gentrification Gun #~# PHILADELPHIA—Despite modest increases in the west Philadelphia neighborhood’s property values over the past several years, residents of Walnut Hill told reporters Monday that the proprietors of Fireside Connections have definitely jumped the gentrification gun with their recently opened custom fireplace shop. “Don’t get me wrong, the neighborhood’s definitely been on the upswing, but I don’t know where these guys got the idea that we had the income or sensibilities at this point to buy built-to-order fireplaces,” said Sam Rothermel, one of the many recent middle-class transplants to Walnut Hill who argued that, while gains in economic prosperity are perhaps enough to keep a contemporary design furniture store afloat, they simply can’t sustain a retailer that sells custom-etched glass fireplace screens, antiqued brass fireplace tools, and hand-carved Moroccan mantels. “I guess these guys just looked around, saw a home brewery supply store and one boutique baby clothing shop, and thought this was the next step. But if you ask me, they really put the cart before the horse on this one. For crying out loud, we don’t even have a fresh pasta store yet.” Sources said that Fireside Connections is likely to go out of business, just like the spice shop, Pinch, that previously occupied the location.
Study: Laundry Detergent Pods Pose Risk To Children #~# A study has found that more than 17,000 children under the age of 6 ingested or squirted their eyes with laundry detergent while playing with laundry detergent pods, colorful packets of washing liquid that resemble candy. What do you think?
NFL Week 10 Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 10th week of the NFL season:
Facebook To Fight Ebola With News Feed Donation Drive #~# Facebook has joined in the fight against Ebola by adding a donation notification to the top of every Facebook user’s news feed, allowing members to donate directly to nonprofit organizations. What do you think?
More Americans Putting Off Marriage Until Ultimatum #~# HYATTSVILLE, MD—Noting a generational shift in the way couples choose to build their lives together, the National Center for Health Statistics confirmed this week that a growing number of Americans are delaying marriage until one partner backs the other into a corner and issues an ultimatum. “In the past, a marriage proposal was usually the result of a few months of indirect pressure, but increasingly we’re finding that what convinces a person to tie the knot is a non-negotiable threat to end a years-long relationship,” said NCHS director Charles Rothwell, stating that more individuals are waiting until their partner breaks down in tears and says something along the lines of “I just can’t do this anymore” before asking for their hand in marriage. “Today, the decision to spend your life with someone is frequently made under duress, triggered by the recognition that you will lose this person forever if you don’t say yes to the all-or-nothing choice you have been presented with.” Rothwell added that more often than not, the ultimatums are issued by someone who has just found out yet another close friend from college is getting married.
Man Announces Plan To Take Out Anger On First Less Powerful Person He Sees #~# WILLINGBORO, NJ—Telling reporters that he was seething and required an outlet for his rage, local insurance salesman Sean Godere confirmed Monday that he plans on taking out his anger on the first less powerful person he encounters. “I’m going to absolutely unload on the next person who crosses my path, provided they don’t have as high a social or professional standing as I do,” said Godere, who noted that it was unlikely he would bump into an intern at his office this afternoon and thus intended to head to either a grocery store or coffee shop, places he believes offer a high probability of interacting with a low-level service worker who could absorb the heated release of his temper. “As soon as I run into somebody who is several rungs below me in the socioeconomic hierarchy and who therefore has effectively no available means of holding me to account for my behavior, I’m going to snap.” Godere added that, should he fail to find a proper target before the end of the workday, the four members of his family he will see later this evening all meet his criteria.
Fantasy Football Week 10: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
Pet Adoption Tips #~# Animal shelters across the country are filled with dogs, cats, and other animals that need homes, though bringing a pet into your family can be both a rewarding and challenging experience. Here are some tips for finding the perfect pet and making sure its transition into your home goes as smoothly as possible:
Baby Hippo Born To Mother On Birth Control #~# The Los Angeles Zoo was surprised this week when a 10-year-old hippo named Mara, who was on birth control, gave birth to the zoo’s first baby hippo in 26 years. What do you think?
CNN Holds Morning Meeting To Decide What Viewers Should Panic About For Rest Of Day #~# ATLANTA—Kicking around ideas ranging from an uptick in child kidnappings to a new link between laptops and cancer, senior CNN staffers held their regular daily meeting this morning to decide which topic viewers should panic about for the rest of the day. “It’s always kind of tough to get our meetings going each morning, but once we got some coffee in us, we were able to toss around a few ideas on what might absolutely terrify half a million or so viewers today,” said CNN Newsroom executive producer Eric Hall, adding that although the discourse was briefly derailed by a recounting of the previous night’s NFL game and discussions of staff members’ upcoming weekend plans, the team eventually spent 45 minutes debating which stories had the legs to prey on people’s anxieties for a full 24-hour cycle. “There was a lot of back-and-forth between those who really wanted to focus on scaring the hell out of people with a piece about the nation’s lack of preparedness for the next big earthquake and those who felt like we should try to stir up a frenzy over a potentially dangerous new teen trend called vamping, in which kids stay up all night texting with friends and posting on social media. Sarah pitched the threats posed by pit bulls, but she’s been pushing that thing since the day she started—at least she brought in Munchkins for everybody, though.” Sources confirmed that those objecting to going with a story about a horrific waterborne illness in Asia eventually acquiesced rather than let the meeting drag on into lunch.
Presidential Castrato Brought Into Oval Office To Soothe Obama’s Nerves #~# WASHINGTON—As an exhausted President Obama worked his way through a long and stressful week marked by his political opponents’ resounding victory in the midterm elections, sources within the White House confirmed that the commander-in-chief summoned presidential castrato Loreto Caffarelli into the Oval Office yesterday evening to soothe his fraying nerves.
Report: 45% Of All Randomly Paired Freshman Roommates Now At Breaking Point #~# EUGENE, OR—Stating that some are engaging in verbal altercations nearly every day while others had stopped speaking to one another weeks ago, a report released Friday by researchers at the University of Oregon has found that 45 percent of all randomly paired freshman roommates in the U.S. are currently at their breaking point. “According to our data, nearly half of first-year college students don’t know if they can stand one more day in their dorm room, citing issues ranging from a lack of personal space, to concerns about their roommate’s hygiene, to irritation with the roommate taking their food from the shared mini-fridge,” said lead researcher Jennifer Zeller, who noted that while some freshmen residents had already met with an RA and explored alternative housing options, others were taking the opportunity to return home on the weekends or spend nights sleeping at a significant other’s dormitory. “At this point, the situation for hundreds of thousands of freshmen is beyond the point of reconciliation. Within days, we expect many of these strained relations to completely blow up, likely after one of the roommates once again comes back to the room after midnight and immediately turns on another loud jam band song.” Zeller noted, however, that the disaffected college students were taking some comfort in the knowledge that they would get to complain about having had “the worst” freshman roommate with every acquaintance they meet for the next several decades.
Navy Forms Elite New SEAL Team To Write Best-Selling Tell-All Books #~# WASHINGTON—Describing the group as one of the most advanced and highly skilled special operations units in the world, sources within the Defense Department revealed Friday that the U.S. Navy had formed an elite new SEAL team dedicated solely to writing best-selling tell-all books.
Family Revels In Height Difference Between Mother And Tall Son #~# EDMOND, OK—Merrily describing the contrast in stature as “a giant next to a leprechaun,” members of the Copeland family Friday reportedly took the deepest delight in the nearly 9-inch height difference between Linda Copeland, 43, and her 14-year-old son, Alex. “Will you look at that beanpole? He just towers over her!” said Diane Copeland, whose jubilant observations of her sister and eldest nephew elicited laughter and claps of joy from grandparents, aunts, uncles, and younger siblings at a recent family gathering. “How’s the weather up there, bud? My God, just look at those two! Can you believe little ol’ Linda made that thing?” At press time, the family went silent as Diane joyfully pointed out the height difference between Alex and his father.
Police Department To Post Pictures Of Prostitutes, Johns On Facebook As Last Stand Against Illegal Sex Work #~# Police in Flint, MI announced they will now post pictures of suspected  prostitutes and men who solicit them on the department’s Facebook page  in an effort to publicly shame them, which officers said is the next  step in fighting prostitution because arresting people and policing the  streets isn’t enough to stop the crime. What do you  think?
Study: 83% Of Web Content Unfit For Human Consumption #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Warning about the dangers of prolonged exposure to toxic text, graphics, and videos, a study released Thursday by the University of Florida found that 83 percent of web content is wholly unfit for human consumption. “Our data showed that the vast majority of online material proved to be fetid, noxious, or otherwise detrimental to an individual’s well-being,” said the study’s lead researcher, Jenny Pridham, who recorded hundreds of extremely adverse reactions among adults who made direct contact with one or more pieces of entertainment news, lists, advertisements, or viral content. “Participants typically reported feeling mild irritation to severe discomfort and even intense nausea. The research determined that even content that may at first seem palatable is not good for you, as it often contains dangerous byproducts in the form of harmful autoplaying video and sponsored links to partner websites.” The study also revealed that zero percent of internet content was currently considered suitable for children and could lead to lifelong cognitive defects.
The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs #~# As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility. Here are some pros and cons of freezing your eggs:
Injury That Will Cause Excruciating Pain For Rest Of Life Thankfully Not Season-Ending #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Days after the player was stretchered off the field during a game against the St. Louis Rams, sources confirmed Thursday that while the knee injury suffered by San Francisco 49ers backup safety Corey Matson will ultimately cause him chronic and excruciating pain for the rest of his life, it is thankfully not expected to end his season. “He suffered a bad sprain in his right knee on Sunday, but I’m happy to report that Corey will not require any surgery that would otherwise sideline him for the rest of the year,” team physician Timothy McAdams told reporters, referring to an injury that will lead to Matson experiencing persistent stabbing pains for the duration of his life whenever he bends his knee past a 45-degree angle and will eventually result in the development of early-onset osteoarthritis. “Given the nature of this type of injury, he should be able to return to action in four to six weeks. Though, truth be told, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him on the field earlier than that. He’s a fighter.” Reached for comment, Matson claimed to be fully prepared to “play through the pain,” thereby ensuring that the full extent of the damage to his knee will be permanent.
Ira Glass Exhausted From Doing Every Single Voice On ‘This American Life’ #~# NEW YORK—Revealing that the creative demands of the long-running public radio program take a substantial toll, Ira Glass told reporters Thursday that he was exhausted from single-handedly doing all the voices for each episode of This American Life.
Baskin-Robbins To Honor Veterans With ‘First Class Camouflage’ Ice Cream #~# Baskin-Robbins has announced that in honor of Veterans Day, it will be offering a new flavor of ice cream called First Class Camouflage, which will consist of chocolate, salty caramel, and cake flavors, and is served in a camouflage waffle cone. What do you think?
Wrong Turn Finds Man On Poor Side Of Mall #~# NORTH ATTLEBORO, MA—Growing increasingly wary as he walked by several empty storefronts and a cluster of nonfunctional coin-operated rides, local insurance broker David Houghton reportedly had taken a wrong turn at Garden City Shopping Center Wednesday and ended up on the poor side of the mall. “This doesn’t seem right,” said Houghton, struggling to get his bearings as he passed a virtually empty independent toy and hobby shop, a Payless ShoeSource, and a wig shop with no apparent signage. “Where the hell am I?” After catching sight of an unattended airbrushing kiosk, a visibly shaken Houghton reportedly decided to turn around and retrace his steps back to Auntie Anne’s.
McConnell Promises To ‘Restore Hope, Confidence, And Optimism’ In Senate Takeover #~# After yesterday’s midterms, in which he was reelected and the GOP picked up enough seats to gain control of the Senate, soon-to-be Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said that his party will work to “restore hope, confidence, and optimism” across the nation. What do you think?
Morbidly Curious Nation Wondering How Far Obama’s Appearance Will Deteriorate In 2 Years #~# WASHINGTON—Less than 24 hours after electoral victories across the nation firmly put Congress under Republican control, morbidly curious Americans reportedly wondered Wednesday just how much President Obama’s appearance will deteriorate during his final two years in office. “He’s already grayer and more exhausted-looking since even the 2012 campaign, so I can only imagine how he’s going to completely fall apart now,” said Pennsylvania resident Robin Harper, echoing voters throughout the country who told reporters that they wouldn’t be surprised if Obama finally left office with a stark white head of hair, sagging cheeks, or even a weird psychosomatic limp. “What if he loses a ton of weight—oh, man, what if he gets fat? And maybe his voice kind of gives out on him, too. I mean, I voted for him, but I’m kind of dying to know.” At press time, the nation admitted it was wondering what Michelle Obama would look like once the next two years were done with her, too.
New Employee Has Never Known Decadent Pleasures Of Old Office #~# BOSTON—Noting that the recent hire was probably content with the firm’s current bland, cookie-cutter workspace, sources at advertising firm KGC Creative confirmed Wednesday that new employee Kyle Lawrence was never able to partake of the decadent pleasures of the company’s old office three blocks over. “There was so much more space back in the old place, and the cubicles had full 5-foot walls, not these little partitions—it was great,” said longtime employee Sean Lavin, shaking his head as he lamented how his young colleague never had the opportunity to luxuriate in the opulence of a workspace whose many hedonistic splendors included softer recessed lighting, larger windows, and a far better coffee machine. “Back then we were on the top floor, so we had a pretty good view; you could even see the river. Oh, and the kitchen in that place even had a dishwasher. Not like this office we have now, not at all.” Lavin added that the recent hire also missed out on the wondrous, intoxicating joys of working with Bill, a project team leader who management recently let go.
Farmers’ Almanac Predicting Short Season For Primetime Dramas #~# LEWISTON, ME—Calling for a harsh autumn of shortened series orders and meager Nielsen ratings, this year’s edition of the Farmers’ Almanac has reportedly predicted an unusually short season for primetime dramas, sources confirmed this week. “Barren network conditions and an unfavorable viewing climate will leave residents nationwide with a stunted yield of new police procedurals and legal dramas over the final months of the year,” reads the 196-year-old publication’s calendar section, which forecasts the upcoming season of dramatic programming to be the least bountiful in over 30 years. “A bumper crop of midseason replacements may provide some relief from the abbreviated Sunday night lineups, and Chicago P.D. will continue to thrive. But most should prepare their DVR and Netflix queue for a particularly dire spell of television until the coming spring.” Despite the bleak outlook, however, the almanac went on to suggest that basic-cable viewers could expect fall to bring an abundant harvest of shows about restaurant makeovers, DIY home renovators, and swamp people.
Man Tinkering With Anecdote Set List Before Next Date #~# PORTLAND, OR—Saying that he wants to provide a unique, enjoyable listening experience that draws from all periods of his life, area man Ian Watts told reporters Wednesday that he has been tinkering with his set list of anecdotes ahead of an upcoming date this weekend. “I’m thinking of opening with a quick, high-energy story about my dog to really set the tone for the night, and then I’ll transition right into some of my earlier college stuff,” said Watts, noting the importance of interspersing light, upbeat reminiscences with more emotional, deeper cuts from his personal life in order to build a varied lineup that would connect with his audience. “I’ll probably try to mix things up this time by bringing out some of the classics early on, like recounting my job delivering pizzas in high school or my first apartment, before I launch into some newer stuff. I’ve been working on this one about my recent experience on jury duty that I’d love to try out. Of course, I’ll close the night with the time I took the same plane as Regis Philbin, like usual.” Watts added that in the event he’s invited back to his date’s apartment, he’ll be sure to save a few chestnuts from his semester in Italy as an encore.
Ovulation Calendar Just The Ticket For Rekindling Couple’s Lagging Sex Life #~# LOS GATOS, CA—Saying they felt like young lovers again, local husband and wife Jon and Sarah Nickoloff told reporters Wednesday that their use of an ovulation calendar in order to maximize the likelihood of conception has proven to be just the ticket for rekindling their lagging sex life.
Vacationing Secretary Of Homeland Security Asks Neighbor To Keep Eye On Nation Over Weekend #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that he would feel a lot better if someone just “poked [their] head in” on the landmass and its population while he was away, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson reportedly asked his neighbor Wednesday if he would mind keeping an eye on the country over the upcoming weekend. “You really don’t have to do much—just check the borders a few times a day and keep an eye out for anything that looks suspicious in the major metropolitan areas,” said Johnson, explaining that if his neighbor simply looked over the Eastern Seaboard for a few minutes in the morning and then gave the West a quick once-over in the early evening, “that should do it.” “America tends to take care of itself for the most part, but I’ll just rest easier knowing someone’s checking up on it from time to time. The only thing of any real concern would be if you spotted an imminent terror attack somewhere, in which case, please call me immediately.” Johnson reportedly told his neighbor not to worry if it was too much trouble, as he had left the country unattended for a few days before in the past without much incident.
Clothing Company Releases Gender-Neutral Underwear #~# A New York-based underwear company has released what it describes as the first gender-neutral boxer-briefs and trunks, saying it decided to “take what’s great about what’s traditionally men’s underwear and make it so female-bodied people could wear it comfortably.” What do you think?
Life-Changing Epiphany Wears Off On Ride Home #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Despite being overcome by a profound realization just minutes earlier that challenged his long-held beliefs and promised to forever alter his daily existence, sources confirmed that 42-year-old Thomas Wilson’s epiphany had fully worn off during his drive home Wednesday. The deeply affecting and eye-opening revelation, which in an instant had caused him to completely reassess his priorities, was reportedly pushed to the back of Wilson’s mind as he stopped to fill up his car with gas, fading to just a fraction of its initial impact moments later as he began listening to a podcast on his vehicle’s stereo system. According to reports, as Wilson shifted his focus to navigating road construction and merging onto a particularly busy stretch of highway, the last shred of his momentous eureka moment had nearly dissolved away. At press time, the life-changing insight was fully extinguished as Wilson walked in through his front door and discovered the latest Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue waiting in his mail.
Philadelphia-Area Sports Psychologist Already Clearing Schedule For Mark Sanchez #~# PHILADELPHIA—Admitting that he will likely receive a call any day now from either the team or the player himself, local sports psychologist Nathan Finley told reporters Wednesday that he is preemptively clearing his schedule for Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Mark Sanchez. “I already started getting in touch with my regular patients to let them know I’ll have decreased availability over the next two or three months—I assume that’s when I’ll be busy trying to rebuild Sanchez’s confidence and assuring him that he’s a very capable player,” said Finley, adding that he just wants to be ready once Sanchez has a string of games with multiple interceptions and requires bi-weekly one-on-one meetings to regain his composure on the field. “Whether it’s next week or the week after, I’m guessing most of my office hours will be spent teaching Sanchez pre-performance breathing exercises and helping him set realistic goals for the season. But who knows, if he gets benched at some point over the next few games then I’ll probably be completely booked through the end of the year.” Finley added that he has also begun preparing exactly what to say to Sanchez once the Eagles decide against extending his one-year contract at the end of the season.
ESPN Curious If You Have Ever Considered Playing Fantasy Football #~# BRISTOL, CT—Sheepishly suggesting that it might be something to think about and noting that you’d have “a front row seat to all the NFL action,” global sports media organization ESPN was reportedly curious this week if visitors to its website had ever considered playing fantasy football. “Don't mean to be a bother or anything, but have you ever given thought to maybe joining a fantasy league?” asked the inquisitive cable network via popup notification, which said it was “completely cool” if you weren’t into it but was interested to know if, in addition to checking the site multiple times a day for scores, player stats, and game analysis, you might also have a passing interest in creating or joining a head-to-head or total points scoring league with friends. “ESPN hosts one of the largest fantasy football leagues in the world, and signing up is easy and free. Wasn’t sure if you’d heard about it—just sounded like something that’d be up your alley.” The world’s most valuable cable channel added that, while it didn’t want to get too far ahead of itself, it also offers a downloadable phone app for real-time updates and breaking sports news, just in case you’re into that kind of thing. ​
Republicans Poised To Retain Control Of Senate #~# WASHINGTON—With precincts reporting GOP victories in key midterm election races nationwide, Beltway sources confirmed Tuesday that the Republican Party is poised to retain its complete control of the U.S. Senate. “If current polling projections are accurate, it appears as if Republican lawmakers will hold on to power in the Senate chamber and will continue to steer the legislative agenda with little resistance,” political analyst Michael Barone told reporters, noting that the likely election results will preserve the GOP’s singular authority over the direction of the Senate, allowing Republicans to go on stymieing judicial appointments, derailing or neutering any legislation they oppose, and obstructing President Obama at every turn. “With the Senate still firmly under their control, Mitch McConnell and his Republican colleagues will persist in refusing to cede an inch of political leverage to their Democratic rivals and will continue blocking Democratic initiatives just as they have been. Yet again, the GOP is in prime position to carry on dictating the course of the upper house of Congress.” Barone went on to say that Republicans would finally relinquish control of the Senate only when Democrats captured the 100 seats they require to govern.
Voter Interest At Record Low For Midterm Elections #~# Though political parties spent an estimated $4 billion to sway voters ahead of today’s midterm elections, surveys show that voter interest is at a record low, with many registered voters reporting being cynical and negative about the future of the government. What do you think?
Congressman To Attempt Living Off Military’s Budget For One Month #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to raise awareness of the financial hardships faced every day by the nation’s defense establishment, Rep. Rob Wittman (R-VA) announced Tuesday that he would attempt to live for a full month on the $640 billion annual budget of the U.S. military.
NFL Releases New Study On Long-Term Damage Of Concussion Research #~# NEW YORK—Stressing the need for immediate action to curb the increasingly worrying trend, the NFL released a new study Tuesday highlighting the severe long-term damage caused by concussion research. “While there is already considerable evidence of consequences in the short term, our findings have conclusively shown that the lingering effects of a concussion study are not only incredibly harmful, but can last for months, if not years,” league commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters at a press conference, pointing to an alarming statistic showing that the number of medical research papers on traumatic brain injuries has drastically increased over the past decade, with no signs of slowing down. “Perhaps most troubling is the fact that the lasting impact, much of which is still not yet fully understood, becomes increasingly pronounced and serious with every subsequent concussion study. We simply cannot afford to let this issue persist, and concussion reports are entirely preventable as long as everyone is aware of the significant threats they pose.” While admitting that these new revelations are indeed highly troubling, Goodell did express optimism over similar findings suggesting that the effects of concussion research are at least not necessarily permanent.
The Onion’s Guide To Voting #~# Midterm elections are taking place today, with 36 Senate spots, all 435 House seats, and thousands of local posts to be decided at ballot boxes across the country. Here is a rundown of how the voting process works:
Whenever I Feel Sad, I Just Go Down To The Wreck Of The Titanic #~# I suppose we all have ways of coping with our darker moods. For me personally, the best remedy has always been a change of scenery: traveling someplace where I can shut out the world for a while and be alone with my thoughts. The opportunity to take a step back, clear my head, and regain a bit of perspective is invaluable. That’s why, whenever I’m feeling blue, I just go down to the wreck of the Titanic.
Dating Website Ordered To Pay $600,000 For Creating Fake Profiles #~# The Federal Trade Commission has ordered the company JDI Dating, which owns the sites CupidsWand.com, FlirtCrowd.com, and FindMeLove.com, to pay a $600,000 fee for creating fake profiles of attractive daters and charging users to message with them. What do you think?
Elementary Schoolers Depressed After Getting Look At Voters Filing Out Of Gymnasium #~# NEWTON, MA—Looking out their classroom windows at the masses of dejected and weary adults throughout the school day, students at Lincoln Eliot Elementary School told reporters this afternoon that they could not help but feel deeply depressed after catching sight of local voters filing out of their school’s gymnasium. “They look so sad,” said second-grader Tyler Quinn, who explained that it made him feel “really bad” to see midterm voters’ frowning faces and tired-looking eyes as they slowly shuffled out of the building’s rear exit and across the school property. “Oh, no. It must be real bad in the gym if they all come out looking like that. I don’t ever want to vote.” At press time, several third-graders were noting that while the sight of the downtrodden voters heading off toward the parking lot was heartbreaking, it was at least a relief to see that there weren’t very many of them.
Family Impressed By Extra Effort Father Putting In To Hide Drinking #~# STERLING HEIGHTS, MI—Saying he had displayed a remarkable level of dedication and persistence in recent weeks, members of Patrick Malliner’s family admitted Tuesday that they were impressed by the extra effort the 51-year-old father of two has been putting in to concealing his excessive drinking from them. “You’ve got to hand it to Dad—he’s been coming up with elaborate excuses, making sure to cover up the smell on his breath at the end of the day, and really going the extra mile to keep his drinking hidden from us,” Malliner’s 16-year-old daughter Alexa told reporters, noting how her father had recently begun setting up his drinking binges days in advance by grumbling about how an upcoming project deadline had been keeping him late at the office. “Before, he used to do things like bury his empty bottles at the bottom of the kitchen trash can, but now he walks them all the way to the neighbor’s garbage bin down the block. Honestly, it means a lot to know he cares enough about us that he’ll go to such lengths behind our backs to save us from worrying.” At press time, the family was reportedly marveling at how their father had gone to the trouble of coaching his friends to corroborate his alibis, with Malliner’s wife needing to call three different people before finding out where he actually was.
Laid-Back Company Allows Employees To Work From Home After 6 P.M. #~# GRESHAM, OR—Underscoring the benefits of working for a laid-back company like SocialFire Marketing, founder and CEO Matt Avalon told reporters Tuesday he had instituted an office-wide policy permitting employees to work from home anytime after 6 p.m. “If it helps them be efficient and get more done, I have no problem with people working remotely once they’ve left the office for the day,” said Avalon, who noted that as long as they’re doing their jobs, the location where his staff members choose to work between 6 p.m. and 9 a.m. is “completely up to them.” “That’s the kind of relaxed culture we strive to create here—one where you can even be working from your living room couch at two in the morning if you’d like.” Avalon added that since they don’t have to be in the office for any meetings, employees are free to work from home on weekends and holidays as well.
First-Time Voter Will Always Remember Day He Cast Ballot For Nick Barborak #~# LISBON, OH—Excited to finally participate in the democratic process, area voter Jacob Armstrong told reporters Tuesday that he will always remember casting his very first ballot for state representative Nick Barborak. “I’ve got many elections ahead of me, but my vote for Nick Barborak’s definitely going to stand out from all the others,” said Armstrong, 19, who was among the first to arrive at his local polling station to help reelect the Democrat and former Columbiana County treasurer to a second term in the Ohio General Assembly. “Voting is the most important thing we can do as citizens, and I can’t believe I’ll get to do it my very first time when District 5 is on the line. It’s just so cool to think that I might play some small role in another two years for Nick Barborak.” At press time, Armstrong was carefully peeling off his “I Voted” sticker, pasting it on a flyer from the Barborak campaign, and filing it away for safekeeping.
Victoria’s Secret Under Fire For ‘Perfect Body’ Campaign #~# Social media users are demanding that Victoria’s Secret take down its latest advertising campaign, “Perfect Body,” which plays off the title of its Body by Victoria bra but also has the words superimposed over pictures of tall, thin supermodels, because they believe it promotes unrealistic standards of beauty. What do you think?
NFL Week Nine Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the ninth week of the NFL season:
Museum’s Audio Guide Informs Visitors How Much More They Getting Out Of Experience Than Others #~# CHICAGO—In addition to providing background and analysis of the artwork on display, the audio guide for the Surrealists exhibit at the Art Institute of Chicago reminded visitors this week how much richer of an experience they were receiving than was everyone else, sources confirmed. “Dali was heavily influenced by Freud’s The Interpretation Of Dreams and often wrote down his dreams in a notebook, a fact that those passing through this exhibit without an audio guide are woefully unaware of,” the recording reportedly said before inviting listeners to turn their attention to a nearby Marcel Duchamp work whose nuances would “only truly be understood” by those listening to the prerecorded narration. “And if you look to your left, you will notice a number of attendees who are appreciating Yves Tanguy’s The Rapidity Of Sleep far less than you are. Their lack of a portable audio device—and therefore insight into the prominent political movements during the period or the importance of Andre Breton’s artist collective—renders them incapable of grasping the true brilliance behind Tanguy’s post-war output.” Sources added that the museum’s members received a special audio track that mentioned no art at all and instead provided wearers with an 80-minute continuous stream of praise.
Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State #~# NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this week. According to sources, the boy, who is visibly malnourished and has been abused by nearly every adult in his life, apparently hasn’t been told that America has become an entitlement society that gives out free health care, housing, food stamps, and God knows what else to anyone who wants it—regardless of whether they’ve actually worked for it. Why anyone would choose to sleep in an alleyway every night when he could instead be taking advantage of the bloated welfare state in a nation that is quickly on its way to full-scale socialism was reportedly beyond the ability of sources to comprehend. Observers eventually concluded that the homeless, hungry child must be so lazy he isn’t even willing to stand in line for big-government handouts like the rest of this nation’s freeloaders.
Man On Gurney Has Brief Word With Protagonist Before Entering Ambulance #~# LOS ANGELES—After lifting a wounded police detective onto a gurney and wheeling him out to the street, paramedics reportedly paused for 15 seconds before loading the man into the back of an awaiting ambulance Wednesday night while he exchanged a few words with the protagonist. “Looks like you’re a little late to the party,” the veteran detective said hoarsely, forcing a brief smile onto his face before descending into a fit of coughs. “Don’t worry, it’ll take a lot more than this to bring me down. See you back at the precinct, partner.” After the doors of the emergency vehicle shut behind the injured officer, sources confirmed that the protagonist, who remained standing in the street, was perfectly framed through one of the rear windows of the ambulance as it drove off down the road.
Study: Women With More Children Are More Productive At Work #~# Contradicting claims that motherhood negatively affects work productivity, a new study from the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis has found that over the course of a career, women with more children are more productive than those without kids. What do you think?
Majestic Pine Recruited For Yosemite By National Park Headhunters #~# YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Saying that it would be an extremely valuable addition to the park’s current team of flora, headhunters from the U.S. National Park Service confirmed Friday that they have been actively recruiting a majestic white pine for an open spot in Yosemite Valley. “This is exactly the kind of tree we’ve been looking for to fill a key position among our evergreen vegetation—the second I laid eyes on it and saw what it had to offer, I knew it would make a great fit in our montane forest ecosystem,” lead recruitment specialist Mark Havey told reporters, adding that he had been impressed with the 40-foot pine’s ample needles, prominent bark, and long track record of growth. “We spent months looking at hundreds of candidates from all across the nation, and this particular tree clearly stood out among the rest. I can say this is the best cone-bearing, resinous tree we’ve ever come across. I just hope our offer of a generously stocked water table and a spacious clearing to itself is enough to get it on board.” The conifer had yet to make a decision as of press time, as it was reportedly weighing offers from Yellowstone, the Great Smoky Mountains, and a Rochester, MN mulch factory.
U.S. Retakes Top Spot In Annual ‘Party Country’ Rankings #~# WASHINGTON—According to the yearly list released Tuesday by U.S. News & World Report, the United States has reportedly retaken the top spot in the publication’s annual “Party Country” rankings. “As we have each year since 1983, we evaluated countries on a strict set of criteria and found that the U.S. scored better than every other sovereign sate in key sectors such as the number of national holidays, popularity of sports teams, and general dedication to having a blast,” said lead author Jeffrey Hubbard, noting that after the U.S. was knocked out of first place by Brazil the previous year, America could credit its newly reclaimed title to an uptick in party-theme creativity and expanded cocktail selection nationwide. “Whether looking at the number of house parties or birthday bashes occurring at any given moment across the country, the U.S. is clearly the world leader in kicking back and letting loose with friends.” Hubbard added that Greece came in last place among top party countries, largely due to the Mediterranean nation’s lackluster Greek life.
Uncle Put More Thought Than Usual Into This Year’s Gift Cards #~# HERSHEY, PA—Noting the unprecedented display of effort, Harrington family sources confirmed Thursday that Uncle Jeff put a lot more thought than usual into the gift cards he bought for everyone this Christmas. “Wow, he really must have spent a lot of time at Target picking out just the right prepaid gift card for every member of the family,” said niece Tamara Harrington, adding that it was a vast improvement over last year, when the entire family received $10 gift cards to Ruby Tuesday. “It seems like he actually thought about things that we like. He knows I enjoy reading, so he got me a Barnes & Noble gift card. And he got my younger brother a Best Buy gift card, because he’s really into computers, video games, and that stuff. He just gave my sister a generic Visa gift card, but she’s always been hard to shop for.” Sources confirmed that Uncle Jeff also showed an unheard-of attention to detail this year by bringing a tub of Cool Whip to go along with the store-bought pumpkin pie that he contributed to Christmas dinner.
First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible #~# MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible. “Sure, we miss Grandma and all, but it’s been pretty great this year without her sitting in the corner looking totally miserable while the kids open presents,” said grandson Kyle Shaw, 31, adding that not having to watch his 89-year-old grandmother struggle to swallow candied yams or help her hobble to the bathroom had made this year’s celebration more festive and carefree. “We can finally have conversations without slowing down and repeating everything for her. Plus, when we finish eating, we can just head out to a movie theater. No dropping Grandma off at her retirement home on Christmas night, which always put a damper on things. Frankly, the past few days have been amazing.” Shaw told reporters that everyone in the family had been in such good spirits that they barely even remembered that their grandmother was gone.
Men Whose Beautiful Wives Died On Christmas 10 Years Ago Announce Plans To Drink Whiskey Alone In Dark Apartment #~# WASHINGTON—Stating their intent to spend most of the holiday lost in grief-stricken reverie, men across the nation whose beautiful wives died on Christmas 10 years ago announced plans Wednesday to drink whiskey alone in a dark apartment. “My fellow widowers and I intend to sip tumblers full of scotch while watching the snowfall from our gloomy bedrooms and wondering what might have been,” said Frank Tillman on behalf of solitary middle-aged men everywhere who expect to spend this Christmas silently staring at a bedside portrait of their long-departed soulmate. “Midway through the evening, we’ll shake our heads and sadly whisper her name or simply the word ‘why?’ to ourselves, possibly several times with increasing anguish. We’ve also set aside approximately two hours to flip through our old wedding albums and sob as we ponder how we would do anything to spend just a few more hours with the only person who made this empty life worth living.” Tillman went on to say that many of the men would divide their Christmas schedule between grieving for their beautiful wife and mourning the adorable children they lost that same terrible day.
BREAKING: Everyone At Bar Cooler Than Area Man #~# CHICAGO—According to late-breaking reports from eyewitnesses on the scene Tuesday, absolutely everyone at local bar Jack’s Tavern is way cooler than 25-year-old Peter White. Sources confirmed that every single person currently occupying the establishment, including the bartender, servers, and each of the dozens of patrons seated along the counter, is smarter, better looking, and generally more interesting than the junior systems analyst, who is easily the biggest lame-o in attendance. Several reports indicate that at approximately 8:32 p.m., White entered the bar, instantly causing the atmosphere in Jack’s Tavern to change irrevocably for the worse. Eyewitness accounts confirmed the bar’s vibe was diminished by the overwhelming blandness of the man, who appeared to be only pretending to text others on his phone and was unlikely to be meeting up with any friends. At press time, the boring and utterly unremarkable man had reportedly ordered a drink as dull as himself.
Seasonal Depression Kicks In Just In Time To Numb Woman Before Holiday With Family #~# PORTLAND, ME—Appreciating the onset of listlessness and despondency, local woman Wendy Fletcher confirmed Tuesday that seasonal depression kicked in just in time to render her emotionally numb before spending Christmas with her family. “When my parents picked me up at the airport and started questioning me about my personal life, I was already completely disengaged with the world around me, so the timing was perfect,” said Fletcher, adding that the seasonal affective disorder was going strong enough that she should be able to spend the next four days in a state of emotional detachment, dulled to the words and actions of relatives. “Last year, seasonal depression didn’t do a number on me until January, so I went through the entire holiday season as an active participant, taking on the full emotional brunt of dealing with family members. Thankfully, that cold snap last week really put me in a funk, and now I should be able to just sleep through most of my visit.” Fletcher added that, with any luck, her emotional paralysis would last long enough this year to get her through another Valentine’s Day alone.
Study: Majority Of Frontal Lobe Occupied By Thoughts Of Sausage Links #~# SEATTLE—Noting the way the polar and lateral regions “light up” when occupied with breakfast-related cognitive processes, a study published Wednesday by the University of Washington revealed that the majority of activity within the human brain’s frontal lobe revolves around thoughts of sausage links. “Our research indicates that the prefrontal cortex is dominated by impulses and reflexes relating to hickory-smoked, honey-glazed, or traditional breakfast sausage,” said lead researcher Rachel Davis, adding that extensive brain-mapping data suggests the forward region in both hemispheres of the brain is employed largely to conjure mental images of tantalizing platters piled high with savory, steaming pork links. “Furthermore, our study consistently found that dopamine levels rise in direct correlation with the subject’s proximity to various breakfast meats, which in turn triggered a flood of emotions and memories within the frontal lobe that were tied inextricably to the irresistible sizzle of a dozen hot-off-the-griddle sausages, oftentimes drizzled with delectably sweet maple syrup.” Davis went on to note that the frontal lobe’s decision-making centers were tasked mainly with determining whether to pair the links with a generous plate of scrambled eggs or a big, fluffy short stack.
Family Knows Better Than To Fall For Mom’s Little Bullshit Speech About No Presents This Year #~# RICHMOND, VA—Saying that several of them had learned the hard way, members of the Gordon family confirmed to reporters Friday that they knew damn well not to believe Mom’s little bullshit speech about not giving gifts this Christmas. “She doesn’t mean a goddamn word of it,” said Alex Gordon, 32, one of Ellen Gordon’s three adult children, all of whom agreed that you’d have to be pretty fucking thick if you didn’t see right through her little song and dance about just enjoying each other’s company without the expense and obligation of giving presents. “She says this every year, but forget that—of course she wants to do gifts. Can you imagine the look on her face if there actually wasn’t anything under the tree and we just sat around empty-handed like a bunch of assholes? No way is that happening.” Gordon added that he and his siblings were taking their mom’s suggestion that they could leave on Christmas Day if the ticket was cheaper for the utter horseshit that it is.
Avoiding Family Conflict During The Holiday Season #~# The holidays are supposed to be a festive time, but when families gather together, arguments and negativity often threaten to spoil the occasion. Here are some tips for avoiding conflicts and keeping the holidays stress-free for the whole family:
Uninsured Man Hoping For Gift Card To Local Hospital For Christmas #~# PRINCETON, IL—Saying that it's an item that he has been eyeing for a long time, local uninsured man Dan Kluge told reporters Monday that he’s hoping to receive a gift card to his local hospital for Christmas. “I told my family and friends that if anyone’s stumped on what to get me this year, I definitely wouldn't say no to a Midwest Memorial gift certificate,” said the 28-year-old who has lacked even the most basic health coverage since leaving his parents’ insurance plan, adding that he would be grateful whether the card came with a prepaid monetary value or if it was good for one ER visit of any cost. “I know the price might be pretty steep, so maybe a few people could go in on it together. I just hope someone gets it for me—it really is the only thing on my wish list this year.” At press time, Kluge was adding the final touches to his Christmas tree while teetering on the top step of a ladder precariously placed next to the fireplace.
Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly #~# ‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’
How Police Are Revamping Their Tactics #~# In the wake of widespread protests against police brutality and discrimination, law enforcement departments across the country are instituting new rules and policies to ensure safer practices. Here are some of the ways departments are reforming their training, tactics, and management in light of scrutiny:
Athlete’s Heartwarming Story Fucking Sucks #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Sources from across the nation confirmed Friday that the heartwarming story of Indianapolis Colts scout team player Marcus Newsome, a 31-year-old linebacker who realized his NFL dream five years after being diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease, totally fucking sucks. “Frankly, Marcus’ whole against-all-odds narrative does absolute jack shit to inspire me,” said 28-year-old Denver native Joe Mackie, adding that Newsome eventually earning an NFL contract despite doctors telling him he’d never play football again is, at best, a fucking lame and totally derivative imitation of Magic Johnson. “From start to finish, the whole thing just blows. He was in treatment for barely over a year, so it’s not like he was on the verge of death before clawing his way back to the top—that would have at least made me believe anything is possible through self-belief, willpower, and determination. Either show up with an incredibly moving story of courage in the face of adversity or don’t even come to the table. Just don’t waste my time with some hackneyed crap I’ve already heard a hundred times before. What an asshole.” Sources later speculated that pretty much the only way Newsome’s story wouldn’t completely suck shit would be if he eventually won a Super Bowl just days after one of his parents tragically passed away following a brave, protracted battle with cancer.
I Don’t See Race; I Only See Grayish-Brown, Vaguely Humanoid Shapes #~# I don’t understand why everyone seems to be so angry lately. Everywhere you look, there are marches, protests, riots—and all of it over so-called racism in our great country. I just don’t get it. I really don’t. But maybe that’s because, when I look at my fellow Americans, I don’t see a particular race or color. In fact, all I see is just a series of muted, roughly person-shaped silhouettes.
Fantasy Football Week 15: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
Family Receives 38-Piece AstraZeneca Assorted Pill Sampler #~# ALPHARETTA, GA—Gathering around the kitchen table to pick out their favorites, all four members of the Johnson household eagerly dug into a 38-piece AstraZeneca pill sampler that they received as a holiday gift, sources confirmed Friday. “I like the blue-and-red ones a lot, but I’ll pretty much eat any of them except for the yellows; I always leave those for Dad,” said 12-year-old Evan Johnson, who added that out of the box’s assorted painkillers, decongestants, estrogen supplements, and antipsychotic medications, he enjoys the ones with a codeine-based gel filling the best. “It’s also kind of fun to grab one without knowing what’s inside and try to guess what you’ve taken. Last year, I got a beta blocker and it was really gross, though, so maybe I’ll just look at the little guide and only pick out the good ones.” At press time, each of the family members had reportedly taken too many pills and was complaining of stomach discomfort, dizziness, and blurred vision.
Convicted Sex Offender Wins $3 Million Florida Lottery #~# After Florida man Timothy Poole won $3 million from a scratch-off lottery ticket and posed in a photo with his check, internet users and authorities recognized him as a convicted sex offender who has been arrested 12 times for crimes that include grand theft auto and welfare fraud. What do you think?
Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks #~# BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of lowest-level talks.
The Onion’s Person Of The Year 2014 #~# (TIE) Malala Yousafzai And John Cena
Columbia Law School Allowing Students Distressed Over Garner, Brown To Delay Exams #~# The interim dean of Columbia Law School announced that students who reported being traumatized or disturbed by the American legal system after the non-indictments of officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo will be permitted to delay their final exams. What do you think?
New Rules In The NFL’s Updated Personal Conduct Policy #~# Following a spate of high-profile domestic violence cases involving the likes of Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson, the NFL officially ratified a new personal conduct policy this week for all players and league employees. Here are some notable rules in the updated guidelines:
Report: CIA Paid Psychologists $81 Million For Ineffective Torture Techniques #~# The Senate Intelligence Committee’s recently released report on the use of torture on terror suspects after 9/11 revealed that the agency paid two military psychologists $81 million to devise and carry out enhanced interrogation techniques on detainees across the world that were ultimately found to be ineffective. What do you think?
Report: Jets Players Lied About Concussion Symptoms To Get Out Of Games #~# NEW YORK—Bringing further attention to the NFL’s ongoing struggles with head-trauma-related issues, an anonymous survey published Thursday by ESPN revealed that multiple players from the New York Jets lied about suffering from concussion symptoms to get out of games this season. “Of 43 Jets players surveyed, over 30 admitted to having actively misled sideline doctors by complaining of severe nausea and blinding headaches in order to avoid going back out on the field,” said ESPN reporter Evan Thompson, adding that several players confessed to feigning a momentary loss of consciousness after a jarring hit so they could remain on the sideline for the rest of the game. “Among players who admitted to lying to coaches and team doctors, almost all claimed to having done so more than once over the course of this season, with many going to incredible lengths to stay in the locker room during games against a division rival. Most worrying, however, is that when asked if they would do it again, every player unanimously said yes.” The report’s findings also indicated that, despite their best efforts, every Jets player in question was forced to retake the field and finish the game anyway.
Rising Income Inequality Causing Wealthy Americans To Take On Second Sailboat #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Explaining how economic conditions were drastically altering citizens’ behavior and spending patterns, a report released Wednesday by researchers at Stanford Business School revealed that rising income inequality was causing more wealthy Americans to take on a second sailboat. “While those with higher incomes used to be able to get by with just a single reliable sailboat, that is no longer the case. Over the past 15 years, changing financial circumstances have led more and more affluent individuals across the country to get a second watercraft,” said the report’s lead researcher, Robert Anthony, adding that nowadays it’s not uncommon for a rich American to have to juggle two, or sometimes even three 40-foot luxury sailing vessels, which are oftentimes located far apart from one another at different marinas. “For many of the individuals at the top of the socioeconomic ladder, it is no longer even a matter of choice; to give their families the lives that they want for them, a second double-masted sailing ship is the only option that makes sense. In fact, if you visit some of the nation’s wealthiest neighborhoods, you rarely even see the primary earner in any given household, as they’re almost always out on one of their two sailboats at any hour of the day.” The report noted that the growing nationwide disparity in wealth was also forcing many of America’s richest citizens to make the extremely difficult decision between an infinity pool or a saltwater pool when buying an additional property in California’s wine country.
New Amazon ‘Make An Offer’ Feature Allows Shoppers To Haggle Over Price #~# Amazon has introduced a new feature called Make an Offer, which allows online shoppers to propose a lower price to sellers that they can either accept, reject, or counter-offer, though at this point the feature mostly applies to sports memorabilia, movie props, and collectibles. What do you think?
Teen Sick Of Mother Barging Into Room With Clean, Folded Clothes #~# ELIZABETHTOWN, PA—Voicing displeasure at her blatant disregard for his privacy, area teenager Chad Fleming reported Wednesday that he is fed up with his mother always barging into his room to put away freshly washed laundry. “Jesus, Mom! Why can’t you just respect my personal space?” a visibly angered Fleming told his mother, who entered his bedroom unannounced carrying a basket full of clothes that she had spent the previous two hours separating by color, washing, and neatly folding. “Is it so hard to knock? God, you never let me be.” At press time, Fleming was livid at his mother for once again violating his privacy to remove a pile of dirty dishes.
Returning Parents Can Tell Son Had Huge House Fire Over Weekend #~# VERONA, WI—Despite his best efforts to conceal the damage, area teen Kyle Towser confirmed Wednesday that his parents could clearly tell he had a huge house fire while they were away for the weekend. “I tried to cover it up before they came home by throwing blankets over the worst scorches on the floor and couches, but they could definitely smell smoke on me as soon as they came through the door,” said Towser, adding that what began as a small house fire soon got completely out of control and kept on going until well after 4 a.m. “I mean, of course they were going to find out: The den, kitchen, and master bedroom are totally destroyed. Plus, the neighbors complained when it really started raging.” Towser went on to say that his parents were surprisingly understanding since they had house fires when they were kids, too.
Report: 80% Of Queen’s ‘Greatest Hits’ CDs Lodged In Center Console Of First Car #~# WASHINGTON— Confirming that most copies have not been played since high school, a report released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center found that 80 percent of British rock band Queen’s Greatest Hits CDs are currently lodged in the center console of someone’s first car. “Our data indicates that while nearly four out of five copies of this bestselling compilation album can be found in the center console among old ATM receipts and a pen cap, the CD may also in certain instances be jammed edgewise between the center console and driver’s seat,” said head researcher Lisa Peterson, adding that a vast majority of copies have a hairline scratch that causes the track “Another One Bites The Dust” to skip approximately two minutes in. “We also found that a small but not insignificant minority of these discs occupy a protective sleeve alongside a self-made mix labeled ‘Summer 2002’ or the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Californication.” Peterson went on to say that those few copies of Queen’s Greatest Hits that are not in an automobile are currently stuck inside the dust-covered seven-disc stereo system that was put in the basement in 2007.
Michelle Obama Quietly Reassigned To Department Of Agriculture After Butting Heads With President #~# WASHINGTON—After allegedly clashing with the commander-in-chief behind closed doors over the past several months, Michelle Obama has been quietly reassigned to a position within the Department of Agriculture, White House sources confirmed Wednesday. “We appreciate everything Michelle has done in the West Wing, but she and the president haven’t been seeing eye to eye on a number of key issues, so we agreed it was time for her to move on and put her skills to use elsewhere,” said White House press secretary John Earnest, adding that while the two have had their differences of opinion, the president still has the utmost respect for her service and wishes her the best of luck going forward. “Michelle has been part of the Obama White House since the beginning, and we are grateful for that. However, the time was right for her to pursue a new direction. We know she has a lot to offer, and we’re confident she will be a great fit in her new role at the Department of Agriculture.” At press time, the president was reportedly planning to tap Pennsylvania Sen. Bob Casey to fill the role of first lady.
General Mills Reviving French Toast Crunch #~# Eight years after retiring it from grocery store shelves, General Mills has announced it will reintroduce French Toast Crunch, the cereal with tiny squares artificially flavored like French toast, in response to new interest from consumers. What do you think?
Lakers Confident They Just Need Another Once-In-A-Generation Player To Get Back On Track #~# LOS ANGELES—Despite his team’s dismal start to the NBA season, Los Angeles Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak told reporters Wednesday that he believes the franchise only needs to add another once-in-a-generation player to get back on track. “I can certainly understand the pessimism among Lakers fans right now, but we’ll be able to right the ship if we can just find that one guy who will eventually rank among the best 20 NBA players of all time,” said Kupchak, adding that the team could easily return to championship contention if it simply drafts a 19-year-old phenom whose photo is printed on the cover of Sports Illustrated under the headline, “The Next Michael Jordan.” “The foundation is in place, and now it’s just a matter of adding a future first-ballot Hall of Famer who will put up 30,000 points over 20 years in the league and single-handedly take over games through unbelievable skill and athleticism, uncompromising competitiveness, and sheer willpower. If we can just get that missing piece, then we’ll be right back in the thick of things.” Reached for comment, Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant dismissed Kupchak’s claims, adamantly telling reporters that the roster already has a transcendent, generation-defining player at the peak of his powers.
Man Always Wanted To Raise Family In Kind Of Place Where White People Greet Each Other On The Street #~# CINCINNATI—Saying it’s been his dream for as long as he can remember, local man Richard Jensen, 37, told reporters this week that he wants nothing more than to raise his family in the kind of place where white people greet each other on the street with a smile and a friendly word.
Revelations Of The Declassified CIA Torture Report #~# After years of delays amid concern that releasing the information could incite violence against Americans, the Senate Intelligence Committee published a report Tuesday detailing the CIA’s use of often brutal enhanced interrogation techniques on terrorist suspects in the years after the September 11 attacks. Here are some key revelations of the report:
Critics Worried New CIA Report Puts U.S. At Considerable Risk Of Transparency #~# WASHINGTON—Warning that it would be reckless to release the full findings to the general public, critics in Washington condemned the Senate’s 480-page report detailing the CIA’s interrogation tactics Tuesday, saying it puts the country at considerable risk of transparency. “Publishing the results of this five-year investigation is an extremely hazardous move, as it gravely jeopardizes our country’s ability to obscure and cover up human rights abuses that may or may not have occurred following 9/11,” said Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL), adding that the report’s graphic details about the alleged use of torture on suspected al-Qaeda detainees would embolden the government’s opponents and could likely lead to widespread clarity and accountability. “It is a risky proposition by the members of the Senate to make this information available, one which could potentially incite openness and communication about the CIA’s use of waterboarding and other so-called enhanced interrogation techniques on illegally detained prisoners during the War on Terror.” Critics claimed the report also puts many American political lives at risk by acknowledging specific government figures’ failure to secure any worthwhile, actionable intelligence information from such techniques.
Heiress Delays Plane Over Dissatisfaction With Peanuts #~# Heather Cho, the daughter of Korean Air boss Cho Yang-ho, held up a 250-passenger plane from JFK to South Korea when she berated a flight attendant for serving her macadamia nuts in a bag instead of in a dish and demanded that he check the plane’s service manual for snack protocol. What do you think?
Michael Jordan Fans Commemorate Anniversary Of Remarkable ‘Flu Hanes Commercial’ #~# CHICAGO—Celebrating what many regard as the gutsiest and most memorable performance in advertising history, fans of NBA Hall of Famer Michael Jordan reportedly commemorated Tuesday’s 10-year anniversary of his legendary 2004 “flu Hanes commercial.” “He was battling a 103-degree fever that whole day, and you could tell he was in a lot of pain when he was trying to get through the line about the better fit and better feel of Hanes briefs,” said Kyle Flanagan, 43, adding that Jordan somehow managed to grind out over 20 takes for the 30-second spot despite experiencing severe nausea, dehydration, and chills. “He gave a great smile for the camera and winked before they cut to the Hanes logo, all while sweat just poured out of him. He was so weak that two people had to help him walk off the set when they were done, but it’s that kind of determination that makes him the best pitchman of all time. I’ll never forget watching it on TV—it was incredible.” Sources also confirmed that countless fans still suspect Jordan’s sickness may have actually been caused by food poisoning at the hands of rival undergarments brand Fruit of the Loom.
U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Draws ‘Group Of Death’ For World Cup #~# During the official group drawing for the 2015 FIFA Women’s World Cup, to be held in Canada next summer, the No. 1-ranked U.S. women’s national soccer team was placed in the so-called Group of Death along with Australia, Nigeria, and Sweden. What do you think?
Minority Student’s Perspective Better Be Pretty Goddamn Diverse If He Wants Full Scholarship #~# CHELMSFORD, MA—Stating that the university deserves a boatload of multiculturalism for the investment it’s making, Leverett College officials announced this week that recently admitted minority student Jack Soto better have a pretty goddamn unique perspective if he wants a full scholarship.
Hippocratic Oath Updated To Include Vow Of Loyalty To Blue Cross Blue Shield #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to modernize the ancient ethics pledge, officials from the American Medical Association announced Tuesday an update to the Hippocratic oath that includes a vow of loyalty to national health insurance giant Blue Cross Blue Shield. “This newly revised pledge requires doctors to uphold their allegiance to Blue Cross Blue Shield, to avoid pricey tests and referrals whenever possible, and to do no harm to any in-network patient so far as it remains sufficiently cost-effective,” said AMA spokesperson Amanda Cummings, noting a further addition to the professional oath that obligates doctors to enforce all co-pays and coinsurance payments. “The updated text also requires physicians to have a comprehensive working knowledge of their specific financial agreement with Blue Cross Blue Shield. And above all, a doctor must, at all times, avoid inflicting any injury or wrong upon the company’s bottom line.” Officials added that the new pledge would no longer require doctors to swear by “Apollo the physician, and Aesculapius the surgeon, and likewise Hygeia and Panacea,” but rather by Blue Cross Blue Shield CEO Scott Serota.
Jon Gruden Impressed By Every Blade Of Grass On Football Field #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Hailing their contribution to the game as “extraordinary” and “totally underrated,” ESPN Monday Night Football commentator Jon Gruden was reportedly full of praise for every single blade of grass at Lambeau Field during tonight’s matchup between the Falcons and Packers. “Now, that’s a blade of grass right there—it’s not the biggest on the field, but it stands tall when it matters, and it’s got all the things you look for in a solid, reliable blade of grass,” Gruden said of a 1.8-inch grass stem situated near the 15-yard line, raving that each of the roughly 61 million Kentucky bluegrass reeds collectively make up “the best tandem of grass in the National Football League, no question.” “I love what I’m seeing out there—tough, no-nonsense, old-school blades of grass. People might say they just came up out of nowhere, but listen, it’s no surprise to anyone who saw how good those seedlings were looking back in September. And I’ll tell you something else, they’ve only gotten stronger since then. If I were the Packers, I would be very, very happy with where those sprouts are at right now.” Gruden went on to say that the hash mark at Lambeau Field’s 46-yard line possesses the same amazing qualities as the Los Angeles Coliseum goal line of the late 1980s.
World’s Oldest Woman Just Pleased Every Other Human On Earth When She Was Born Now Dead #~# OSAKA, JAPAN—Reflecting on a long life that began at the end of the 19th century, the world’s oldest woman told reporters Monday that she could not be happier that every other human on earth the day she was born is now deceased. “Nothing, not one single thing, gives me more pleasure than knowing anyone who was alive on March 5, 1898—my family, my friends, and even far-off strangers that I never knew existed—is stone-cold dead,” said 116-year-old Misao Okawa, smiling as she observed how all 1.6 billion of the people who were alive the day she came into the world had passed away, one by one, during her remarkable lifespan. “I’m the sole fucking survivor. I’m the longevity queen. I’m the one who stuck it out while everyone else threw themselves on the corpse pile. Man, it’s too bad I’m in a wheelchair or I’d trample every single one of their fucking graves.” Okawa went on to say her only regret is that she probably won’t outlive all her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.
Man Somehow Thinks He Doesn’t Have Enough Alone Time #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Making repeated claims this week that he could really use a break from being around people, local copywriter Jonathan Maynard has, by all accounts, somehow come to the conclusion that he does not have enough alone time in his life. “I wish I could carve out a little extra time during the day that’s just for me,” said the 28-year-old, who, despite having few serious demands on his schedule and regularly spending his evenings and entire weekends alone either browsing online or watching television, openly wishes for more time by himself. “All I need is a few uninterrupted hours away from everyone else when I can just decompress and focus on my personal interests. Is that too much to ask?” At press time, Maynard was reportedly canceling a prior social engagement in order to finally catch up on an Assassin’s Creed game he had been putting off for several days.
NFL Week 14 Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 14th week of the NFL season:
Royal Couple To Spend $36.21 Queen Elizabeth Had Left Over From 2010 U.S. Visit #~# NEW YORK—Starting their three-day whirlwind tour of New York, Prince William and Duchess Kate told reporters Monday that they planned to spend the leftover $36.21 in American currency that Queen Elizabeth II had been holding on to since her 2010 visit to the city. “Kate and I are tremendously excited to be visiting New York for the first time, and fortunately my grandmother had some extra bills and coins lying around from her last trip here,” Prince William said, referring to the $20 bill, $10 bill, five singles, and $1.21 in loose change that Britain’s reigning monarch had reportedly kept in a desk drawer alongside some Turkish lira from her 2008 visit to Istanbul. “It was really quite convenient to have some American dollars already on hand, so we didn’t have to run to the currency exchange office right away and could tip the taxi driver who brought us to our hotel.” The prince also expressed gratitude to his grandmother for giving him a subway MetroCard that still had a remaining credit of $11.75.
Furry Convention Attacked By Chlorine Powder Bomb #~# More than a dozen attendees at the annual Midwest FurFest Convention outside Chicago, which celebrates people known as furries who dress up as anthropomorphic animals, were sickened after a chlorine powder bomb was left in a stairwell by an alleged attacker. What do you think?
Nation’s Gay Straw Men March On Washington For Right To Marry Animals #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to advance what they have repeatedly stated is the key element of their agenda, the nation’s gay straw men marched on the nation’s capital Monday to advocate for the right to marry animals, sources confirmed. “If men can marry men, and women can marry women, then why shouldn’t I be allowed to enter into holy matrimony with a member of the animal kingdom?” said a straw man from Falmouth, MA, who explained that he should be permitted to wed whomever or whatever he pleases given that the legislative gates have been opened, a sentiment expressed by thousands of his fellow straw men as they hoisted signs that read “Equal Rights For Interspecies Partners” and “Marriage For All Mammals Now.” “In the years since my state legalized same-sex marriage, I’ve discovered that my emotional and physical needs cannot be fulfilled by another human, and it is clear that lying with either a cat, dog, or sheep is what I now want. We believe gay marriage has set an irrefutable legal precedent for this behavior, and we intend to act on it.” At press time, demonstrators were reportedly shouting that they wouldn’t simply settle for the right to marry their siblings or any number of partners, noting that their ultimate goal was to marry an animal of their choosing or, perhaps, an inanimate object.
Phone Call With Dad Just Watered-Down Version Of Phone Call With Mom #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Progressing swiftly through the same topics but in far less detail, local man Ian Miller’s four-minute phone call with his father Monday was reportedly just a watered-down version of the conversation he’d had moments earlier with his mother. “You know, work’s going pretty well—can’t complain,” said Miller during the pared-back exchange, before delivering a condensed, two-sentence update on the status of his long-term relationship that elicited no follow-up questions or lengthy asides. “Yep. I’m excited about being home for Christmas, too.” According to sources, Miller ended the call by telling his dad he’d talk to him again real soon, scaling back the “love you, too” he’d used to end the conversation with his mother.
CDC: This Year’s Flu Vaccine Might Not Work #~# Federal health officials at the CDC have warned that the current strain of influenza circulating around the country, H3N2, has mutated, so this year’s flu vaccine might not work. What do you think?
Fantasy Football Star Confident He Can Make Leap To General Manager Of NFL Team #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Following yet another week in which his team Third Down For What emerged victorious, fantasy football star Mark Nason told reporters Thursday that he is confident he can make the leap to general manager of an NFL team. “After reaching the playoffs three of the last five years in my office league, I’ve more than proven that I have what it takes to lead any NFL franchise on a sustained run of success,” said the 31-year-old whose made his fantasy draft selections entirely according to ESPN's pre-draft rankings from a computer in his living room and whose opponents have on more than one occasion forgotten to set their rosters in time. “This year, I kicked things up a notch by selling high on a couple players coming off great weeks—it’s clear that my expert player analysis will serve me well in the pros. I’ve also been picking up a new kicker every week based on matchup, a strategy that I don’t see any NFL team even exploring yet.” At press time, Nason was reportedly engaging in what he incorrectly termed “contract negotiations” with a colleague who refused to pay the fantasy league’s entrance fee.
No One At CBS Remembers Hiring O.J. Simpson As Color Commentator #~# NEW YORK—Claiming that their hiring protocol for on-air talent is usually very meticulous, sources at CBS confirmed Sunday that no one within the network can actually remember deciding to hire O.J. Simpson as a color commentator. “He showed up wearing a CBS Sports blazer, grabbed a mic, and just headed into the broadcast booth, so I assume somebody must have cleared him to call today’s Ravens-Dolphins game at some point,” NFL On CBS coordinating producer Lance Barrow told reporters, emphasizing that neither he nor his colleagues could recall the chain of events that led to them offering an on-air color analyst position to the retired Buffalo Bills running back and former Heisman Trophy winner. “I checked with the executive producers and none of them remember hiring him either, so I’m not really sure what happened. The thing is, O.J. is actually a really good analyst—he clearly does a lot of research before the games and has a great voice for TV. I guess we’ll just see where this goes.” At press time, a laughing Simpson was reportedly trading jokes with Jim Nantz in the broadcast booth before checking in with The NFL Today host James Brown for an update on the Rams-Redskins game.
Wife Kept Up All Night By Kevin Garnett Talking Trash In Sleep #~# NEW YORK—Saying she has still not grown accustomed to the irritating habit despite being married to the Brooklyn Nets power forward for a decade, Brandi Garnett revealed to reporters that she was once again kept up the whole night Thursday by her husband talking trash in his sleep. “I must have woken up four different times from Kevin tossing and turning in bed while calling someone a little bitch who can’t fucking score on him,” said Garnett, adding that although she tries her best to simply tune out the unconscious trash talking, it generally occurs multiple times per night and can continue for 30 or 40 minutes on end. “At one point I actually thought something was wrong, but then I saw his eyes were shut and he was snoring in between reflexively pounding his chest and mumbling God knows what about an opposing player’s wife. The worst was when he screamed ‘Get that shit out of here!’ at the top of his lungs around four in the morning—I’m honestly surprised he didn’t wake himself up.” Garnett went on to explain that her husband never has any recollection the next day of having talked trash in his sleep, though he often seamlessly continues cursing out Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah as soon as he wakes up.
Fantasy Football Week 14: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em #~# Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this week. “Our bold new Road Bucket is exactly what KFC and Midas fans have been waiting for, with 10 pieces of chicken, your choice of two sides, and four biscuits served on a corrosion-resistant aluminized steel muffler, all for the special low price of $19.99,” said KFC marketing director Mike Wesley, who described the exhaust-system-based meal deal as a natural extension for both companies, explaining that Midas’ expert vehicle repair and KFC’s Southern-inspired fare are both synonymous with quality, affordability, and convenience. “Or customers can upgrade to the Colonel’s Highway Bucket for an additional $10, which includes twice the food served in an all-season radial tire, plus a 64-ounce coolant reservoir of Pepsi.” The Midas tie-in reportedly comes one year after KFC teamed up with Aquafresh on a short-lived line of Original Recipe and Extra Crispy toothpaste.
Pope Rummaging Through Vatican Basement For Plastic Nativity Scene Figures #~# VATICAN CITY—Hoping to have all his holiday decorations up by the weekend, His Holiness Pope Francis has spent the past two hours rummaging through the basement of the papal apartments in search of the Vatican’s plastic nativity scene figures, sources confirmed Friday.
Man’s Family Rises To Record-High Fourth Priority #~# WALTHAM, MA—After years of its climbing no higher than the ninth slot, sources confirmed Friday that area man Alan Stokes’ family rose to the 48-year-old’s record-high fourth priority. “It’s really impressive to see Emily and the kids suddenly vault into the top five of what matters to him in life,” said a source close to the family, adding that no one foresaw Stokes’ desire to take care of his wife and twin daughters grabbing the coveted fourth spot ahead of longtime preoccupations such as fishing or watching poker tournaments on television. “But it’s going to be really tough for them to hold on to the position if he gets the promotion or buys that new motorcycle—the family could really take a tumble.” Sources added that Stokes’ family would only crack the top three in the highly unlikely event he got a handle on his drinking.
High School Band Teacher Spends 85% Of Rehearsal Hammering In Dress Code For Holiday Concert #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Emphasizing the importance of his instructions by raising his voice and repeating crucial points, Leland High School band teacher Jeff Amos reportedly spent 85 percent of Friday’s rehearsal hammering in the dress code for the school’s upcoming holiday concert. “It’s black turtlenecks with full-length sleeves, and they will stay tucked in for the entire time, do I make myself clear?” said the 54-year-old music instructor during a 25-minute aside that stressed how deviations from the protocol, such as wearing sneakers—even the black sneakers that many tried to get away with last year—would land them backstage for the entire performance. “Girls, skirts must be past your knees. And boys, I expect slacks; gray-colored jeans aren’t going to cut it. Under those stage lights, every single person in that auditorium will see you sticking out like a sore thumb. Got it?” At press time, Amos was reportedly keeping everyone in the band room for an extra 10 minutes to drive home how disappointed he would be if, after so many reminders, anyone forgot their Santa hat for the closing performance of “Jingle Bell Rock.”
Women Growing Out, Dyeing Armpit Hair In New Trend #~# Websites are reporting that more women are choosing to grow out their underarm hair and dye it bold colors like pink, blue, and green, with one participant writing in a blog post, “By having hairy pits, I am exercising my right to make my own choices about my own body.” What do you think?
How Grand Juries Reach A Decision #~#  The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process of grand jury deliberations, by which a group of ordinary citizens hears a case from a prosecuting attorney and privately decides whether or not there is enough evidence to bring charges against a suspect. Here’s the step-by-step process of how grand juries decide cases:
James Bond Fans Concerned After Learning New Film’s Shooting Locations All In New Hampshire #~# NEW YORK—Reacting with a mixture of surprise and disappointment, fans of the James Bond series voiced concern Thursday after learning that all of the latest installment’s shooting locations would be in New Hampshire. “A Bond film is known for its exotic locales, so I get a little nervous when I read about Sam Mendes securing the rights to shoot in downtown Concord and scouting covered bridges for the opening action sequence,” said fan Peter Harris of the series’ 24th film, which will reportedly feature 007 tracking a shadowy terrorist organization through conservation centers, hiking trails, and craft museums throughout the rural state, culminating in a final confrontation at the Franklin Pierce Homestead. “Sure, the clip of Daniel Craig emerging from a tiny submersible onto a beach at Lake Winnipesaukee is vintage Bond, but it’s going to feel kind of lame and static unless they at least whisk us off to a maple farm in Vermont.” Fans were also reportedly divided over the decision to change the name of the film from Spectre to Live Free Or Die.
Chokehold Ruling Puts Police Body Camera Plan In Doubt #~# Earlier this week, President Obama proposed a spending package to equip police with body-worn cameras, which critics now doubt will bring clarity and accountability to their actions in light of a grand jury’s decision not to indict a police officer shown on tape putting an unarmed man in a chokehold, leading to his death. What do you think?
Overworked Prosecutor Thinking Of Taking Police Brutality Case As A Little Vacation #~# CLEVELAND—Reasoning that he has earned some much-needed rest and relaxation, overworked Cuyahoga County prosecutor Brian Gorman told reporters Thursday that he is thinking of taking on a police brutality case as a nice little vacation. “Honestly, I’ve had a pretty grueling caseload over the past few months, so I’m looking forward to just kicking back, throwing together some halfhearted spiel about the broad powers of police, and letting the grand jury spit out an acquittal,” said Gorman, adding that, without any real pressure to secure an indictment, he’ll be able to take his foot off the gas at work for a few weeks and recharge his batteries during the proceedings to determine whether there is enough evidence to bring charges against a police officer accused of killing a suspect. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still got to show up and establish that I’ve been building a case, but nobody is really going to ride me too hard on this. I did one of these a year ago, so it should be the same dog and pony show where I roll out whatever evidence the department handed over and let the jury ruminate on all the gaping holes in the case I was unable to fully address. Then they’ll say there’s no probable cause and I get to go home.” Despite looking forward to the case, Gorman told reporters that he expects to be completely swamped with work prosecuting protesters arrested in the days following the acquittal.
Disheartened Man Expected At Least One Text While Checking Phone After Flight #~# BALTIMORE—Expressing frustration over the lack of any new text notifications on his phone, disheartened Southwest Airlines passenger Shawn Woods confirmed Thursday that he had expected to receive at least one message upon checking the device after his flight. “It was a four-hour flight, so I assumed I’d get a text from somebody,” said a dejected Woods, 38, who had reportedly sent out text messages to three individuals before switching the phone to airplane mode prior to takeoff, setting himself up, in his mind, for multiple responses. “I figured it was just taking a while to connect to the network, but I could hear other people getting texts as soon as the plane landed. I turned it off and back on and there was still nothing.” At press time, Woods was reportedly further dismayed upon checking his inbox and failing to find anything good.
Police Officer Demonstrates Proper Technique For Subduing Grand Jury #~# NEW YORK—Saying that the maneuver was 100 percent effective if administered correctly, police captain Matthew Carlson demonstrated the proper technique for subduing a grand jury to a group of younger officers Thursday. “First and foremost, it’s important to get a strong, firm hold on the state-level district attorney’s office before you do anything else—that way, you’re making sure you never put yourself in any direct danger,” said Carlson, who explained a series of self-defense moves that would ensure grand jurors interpret the law in such a way as to give police the widest latitude in justifying the use of force, adding that performing the moves correctly would cause jurors to submit to the officer’s will “in no time at all.” “When you’re out there facing a prosecutor’s questions about whether you were acting lawfully and with discretion, you won’t have time to think. And that’s why it’s important that all of you master this technique now, because inevitably, many of you will find yourselves in a situation where you’ll need to call on this training. But used properly, these methods will stop any prosecution in its tracks well before there’s an indictment.” Carlson went on to stress that subduing a grand jury is a last-ditch option, and that officers should always try to thwart any investigation well before there are official proceedings.
Barry Sanders Figures It His Turn To Pull Stint As Mentor For One Of League’s Fuckups #~# WEST BLOOMFIELD, MI—Saying that he has generally avoided taking on the responsibility during his retirement, Hall of Fame running back Barry Sanders told reporters Thursday that he figures it’s probably his turn to pull a stint as a mentor for one of the NFL’s young fuckups. “Well, Deion Sanders, Tony Dungy, and Ray Lewis have all gone up to bat, so I guess I should get around to reaching out to one of these little dipshits and attempt to stop him from throwing his career away,” said Sanders, adding that he’ll probably pick either a fellow Oklahoma State alumnus or a player from his hometown of Wichita, KS to try putting back on the right track before he squanders all of his talent. “I’ll send this guy a few texts at first, maybe even hang out with him to talk about similar situations I faced as a high-profile player and how I dealt with them—you know, the usual bullshit. It honestly doesn’t even matter which dumbass it is; I just need to get out there and show that I made an effort.” Sanders later expressed his relief at knowing that he will probably only be on the hook for a few months at most before the player under his wing inevitably ignores all of his advice anyway.
Study: Humans Have Been Drinking Alcohol For 10 Million Years #~# A new study has found that human ancestors evolved the enzymes necessary to break down ethanol and become tipsy about 10 million years ago, much earlier than previously thought, to help them eat rotting fruit when other resources were scarce. What do you think?
World Leaders Gather To Discuss How Fucking Amazing Running A Country Is #~# ZURICH—Arriving from around the world for a three-day political summit, the highest-ranking government officials from over 190 nations have gathered in Zurich this week for direct talks on how fucking incredible it is to run a country.
Police Say Conditions Too Nippy To Rescue Missing Hiker #~# VAIL, CO—Noting that there was definitely a chill in the air, law enforcement officials confirmed Thursday that conditions were too nippy to continue search and rescue operations for Kyle Higgins, a 27-year-old hiker who has been missing for two days. “While we remain committed to finding this young man, the breeze is currently too crisp to carry out further rescue efforts, and our EMT units face the very real risk of getting the shivers,” said Eagle County sheriff Jeff Hagedorn, who confirmed reports that you could see your breath outside, prompting him to suspend the search for the next 24 hours. “Unfortunately, even with the precautions of bundling up in pullovers and wool mittens, we don’t have the layering necessary to keep sufficiently toasty right now. It’s just too darn brisk out there.” The sheriff added that he hoped the fatigued, hungry, and possibly injured hiker could find a cozy little spot in the 400-square-mile expanse of wilderness and stay nice and snug until help arrived.
Obama Calls For Turret-Mounted Video Cameras On All Police Tanks #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to restore the public’s faith in law enforcement, President Obama made an impassioned appeal this week, calling for the installation of turret-mounted video cameras on all police tanks. “This initiative will ensure that police officers across the country will be held accountable for their actions as they pour out of an 18-ton combat vehicle in response to a routine call,” said Obama, who announced a detailed plan to allocate funding to equip every single armored personnel carrier, landmine-resistant SWAT van, and battle-ready half-track with an onboard camcorder to monitor police conduct. “If the police are forced to discharge a high-caliber, vehicle-mounted weapon in the line of duty, we’ll know why. Furthermore, this policy will discourage the misuse of shell-proof tanks in our communities.”  The president added that he is hopeful that turret-mounted video cameras would help to reestablish trust between officers equipped with military-grade technology and the populations they are sworn to protect.
Study: Majority Of College Students Don’t Graduate On Time #~# A new report released this week stated that even though college is traditionally viewed as taking four years to complete, only 19 percent of undergraduate students earn a degree within that time frame, in part because they are unable to register for required courses and don’t take enough credits per semester. What do you think?
Cosby Lawyer Asks Why Accusers Didn’t Come Forward To Be Smeared By Legal Team Years Ago #~# LOS ANGELES—Responding to recent allegations that his client sexually assaulted as many as 20 women over the course of his career, an attorney for comedian Bill Cosby asked Wednesday why none of the alleged victims came forward and allowed themselves to be smeared by the entertainer’s powerful attorneys years ago. “One has to wonder why all these claims are being made now, when these women very easily could have spoken up 40 years ago and had my client’s legal team ruin them,” said Cosby lawyer Martin Singer, suggesting that if the assertions were indeed true, the purported victims have had more than ample time to let Cosby’s team of high-priced legal advisors assassinate their character and threaten them with countersuits for defamation. “It’s highly suspect that these women didn’t go public decades ago, when Mr. Cosby could have used his considerable influence to sabotage any chance these women had at a career in show business and obliterate their credibility in media outlets that were utterly smitten with him.” Singer went on to say that he wouldn’t be surprised if other alleged victims surfaced, even though there wasn’t much left that could be done to destroy them.
12-Year-Old’s Christmas List Demonstrates Heartbreaking Awareness Of Family’s Financial Predicament #~# TAUNTON, MA—Noting the limited number of gifts requested and the omission of the year’s most popular toys, sources confirmed Wednesday that 12-year-old David Huffman’s Christmas list demonstrates a heartbreaking awareness of his family’s current financial circumstances. “Lego has this high-speed train set that looks awesome, but I think I’m just going to ask for the little gas station they make,” said Huffman, who, in a further distressing display of his appreciation for the hard times that have befallen his family, added that a replica rubber football would probably be just as good as the nice ones made of either leather or a composite material. “Oh, and I really want to get BioShock Infinite, and it came out in March, so they can definitely find a used copy at GameStop, which is fine. A new controller would be great too, but honestly, the one I have isn’t that bad once you’re used to how the ‘A’ button kind of sticks.” At press time, Huffman was quietly crossing a few items off his list while listening to a particularly heated argument between his parents over a credit card bill.
Ray Rice Hoping 3.1 Yards Per Carry Last Season Won’t Deter Teams From Signing Him #~# BALTIMORE—Saying that his past shortcomings shouldn’t necessarily be held against him indefinitely, former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice told reporters Wednesday that he just hopes his meager 3.1 yards per carry last season won’t discourage teams from signing him. “I didn’t do the best job of moving the ball down the field last year—I recognize that and take full responsibility for it—but I hope there are a few teams out there willing to give me a second chance,” said Rice, acknowledging that certain franchises may justifiably be hesitant to sign him given that he only recorded four touchdowns and 660 rushing yards over the course of the entire 2013 season. “Some people might think that a team would be taking a big gamble by putting me on its roster, but I don’t want everyone to jump to conclusions about who I am based on one bad season. I know I can turn things around, and all I’m looking for is the opportunity to show that I can change and become a better football player.” Rice added that regardless of whether or not he receives a contract offer, his main focus continues to be seeking forgiveness from his wife for his 78-yard, zero-touchdown performance in Super Bowl XLVII.
Elderly Woman Begins Freezing Meals Husband Can Eat While She’s Passed Away #~# SHARPSBURG, PA—In an effort to provide comfort and nourishing food to her spouse in her absence, local octogenarian Helen Griggs told reporters Wednesday that she has begun freezing home-cooked meals for her husband to enjoy while she’s passed away. “I’ve already made four pans of lasagna and a big batch of beef stew for Arthur,” said Griggs, 87, who suffers from advanced-stage cancer and is determined to provide her partner of 60 years with an extensive variety of soups and casseroles to grab from the freezer, heat up, and eat at his leisure when she goes to her final resting place. “I just want to make sure he eats well. He just loves my butternut squash soup, so I made 10 quarts. I froze each meal as a single serving that he can warm up in the microwave without too much fuss.” Griggs estimated that she had prepared enough frozen meals to last until her husband joins her, but wanted to make an extra meatloaf just to be safe.
Stressed-Out CVS Back To Selling Cigarettes After Only 3 Months #~# WOONSOCKET, RI—Ninety days after the pharmacy chain’s public announcement that it would cease carrying tobacco products, a visibly on edge and jittery CVS broke its vow and resumed selling cigarettes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We were doing pretty well there for a while, but it’s been a tough quarter for us, and combined with all the stress of the holidays, we just had to sell a few smokes,” said CVS spokesperson Elliot Steingart, who admitted that after suffering a breakdown over the busy Thanksgiving weekend and selling a few Marlboros, the company was back up to 40,000 packs a day. “We tried selling more nicotine patches back in November, but that wasn’t cutting it. At this point, we just decided, all right, let’s let ourselves sell as many cigarettes as we want over the next few weeks to get it out of our system and then quit for good on January 1.” Steingart added that CVS customers shouldn’t be too concerned about the company as it has always sold cigarettes in moderation, except when it sells alcohol at the same time.
Michigan Fans Thankful Program No Longer Relevant Enough To Be Humiliated On National Stage #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Following yesterday’s firing of head coach Brady Hoke, fans of the University of Michigan football team confirmed Wednesday that they are simply thankful the program is no longer relevant enough to be completely humiliated on a national stage. “It’s actually a relief to know that our years of total mediocrity basically preclude us from being crushed in front of millions of people during some sort of big-time game,” said 26-year-old Joseph Reilly, one of thousands of Michigan fans who admitted to taking some comfort in the program’s insignificance, as it virtually ensures they will not have to be thoroughly embarrassed during an ABC or ESPN primetime broadcast in the near future. “At this point, we’re so far removed from the national picture that we’re almost immune to being on the receiving end of a huge blowout during a major bowl game. Honestly, I’m just glad we’re so much of an afterthought that we’re at least free to disgrace ourselves in relative obscurity.” Reached for comment, members of the Michigan athletic department told reporters they are equally thankful the program’s fall from prominence has drastically lessened the pressure to get the next coaching hire right.
Report: More Than Half Of Babies Sleeping In Unsafe Places #~# According to a new federal report, more than half of U.S. babies sleep in spaces with fluffy pillows, fleecy bedding, plush toys, and other soft items despite the fact that they put infants at risk of dying. What do you think?
Employee Wishes He Had Enough Job Security To Voice Opinion #~# PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would never jeopardize what little standing he has within the company by making any waves, Crystalpoint Systems junior sales associate Josh Morris told reporters Wednesday that he doesn’t have enough job security to actually voice his opinion at work. “I’m still pretty low on the totem pole here, so there’s no way I’d put my job at risk by sharing what I actually think during meetings or conversations with coworkers,” said Morris, who, as one of his firm’s younger and least essential employees, goes into the office each day fearing the repercussions of uttering a single honest opinion or constructive idea. “The last thing I want is to open my mouth and irritate the wrong person. Maybe if I get that promotion I might feel okay at least hinting about some of the improvements I think could really help the department or offering my take on the new database software they’ve been trying out. But for now, I’m just going to nod a lot to suggest agreement.” At press time, Morris had lost out on the promotion to a coworker who management reportedly valued for his active participation in staff discussions.
Pizza Hut ‘Subconscious’ Menu Aims To Read Diners’ Minds, Guess Toppings #~# Pizza Hut is developing a “subconscious” pizza menu based on eye-tracking technology that works by showing diners a selection of toppings, measuring how much time their eyes linger on specific ingredients, and then generating a pizza the person can either accept or change. What do you think?
New Express Transplant List Offers Patients Kidney Or First Available Organ #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to shorten the wait time for dialysis patients in need of a donor, the Department of Health and Human Services this week opened a new express transplant list to the public that matches candidates with either a kidney or any other organ at all.
Father-In-Law Think Tank Issues Comprehensive One-Sentence Solution To Immigration, Unemployment, Crime Problems #~# WASHINGTON—In its most sweeping policy statement to date, a Washington-based think tank of leading fathers-in-law issued a comprehensive single-sentence solution to the nation’s immigration, unemployment, and crime problems Tuesday. “All you gotta do is round ’em up and send ’em back,” read the one-line report, which the interdisciplinary team of middle-aged men affirmed would resolve all three difficult issues if the government was not, as long-term observational data suggested, blinded by political correctness. “Simple as that.” The new report from the father-in-law think tank comes on the heels of last year’s five-word white paper on how to handle unrest in the African-American community.
Scientists Developing Marijuana Breathalyzer To Catch Stoned Drivers #~# Researchers at Washington State University are reportedly developing a breathalyzer test to identify drivers who are high on marijuana, which would measure the presence of THC in someone’s breath to give police a “higher level of confidence in making an arrest.” What do you think?
There’s No Use Worrying Over Things The Parasitic Alien Lifeforms Living Inside Us Can’t Control #~# Everyone gets stressed out from time to time. Whether you’re having a bad day at home, or something isn’t going your way at work, anxiety is simply unavoidable. At times it can even feel overwhelming. But it’s important to remember that many of your worries are unfounded, and that the best course of action is often just throwing up your hands and letting it slide—because there’s absolutely no use sweating the things the parasitic alien lifeform that’s latched onto your brainstem can’t control.
CIA Admits Role In 1985 Coup To Oust David Lee Roth #~# LANGLEY, VA—Shedding new light on a tumultuous period of upheaval that dominated international headlines nearly 30 years ago, the U.S. government declassified hundreds of documents Tuesday that confirm the CIA covertly organized and executed the coup that ousted lead singer David Lee Roth from Van Halen.
Report: More Americans Setting Aside Money In Case Of PR Emergency #~# COLLEGE PARK, MD—Indicating a trend toward greater financial preparedness, a report released Tuesday by the University of Maryland found that a growing number of Americans are setting aside money in case of a public relations emergency. “Over the past decade, more and more citizens across the country have begun saving a portion of their paychecks to cover the costs of damage control should a controversial remark of theirs or a criminal allegation against them come to light,” said lead researcher Amanda Keaton, who added that Americans were increasingly coming to grips with the reality that hiring a team of seasoned crisis managers to spin a favorable narrative in the media can cost tens of thousands of dollars nowadays. “Indeed, we found that Americans are not simply putting away the funds needed to get out in front of a developing public firestorm—many are also allocating a little extra cash to ensure they’re able to bring in a top-tier communications strategist to coach them on what can and cannot be said before booking them on a morning talk show.” The report added that millions of citizens were also opting to establish a secondary savings plan necessary for funding a long-term rebranding effort to salvage their public image.
Area Man Locked In Protracted Battle With Sweatshirt Neckhole #~# GARY, IN—Struggling valiantly against the elusive long-sleeved garment, local man Kyle Villalobos is currently locked in a protracted battle to locate the neckhole of his sweatshirt, sources said Monday. “Come on,” said Villalobos, refusing to surrender to the cotton-polyester crewneck that enveloped him down to his shoulders and fighting on even after mistakenly trying to fit his head through the left armhole. “Dammit! Where is this thing?” At press time, Villalobos had emerged triumphantly from the sweatshirt only to discover he was wearing it backwards.
Credit Card Safety Tips #~# Massive security breaches at national retailers like Walmart, Target, and Home Depot have emphasized the importance of taking precautions when using a credit card. Here are some tips for keeping your credit cards and banking information safe and sound:
Millions Of Holiday Travelers Return From Parents’ Homes All Caught Up On ‘The Mentalist’ #~# WASHINGTON—After visiting their parents over the long Thanksgiving weekend, millions of holiday travelers reportedly returned to their daily lives Monday having completely caught up on the CBS procedural crime drama The Mentalist. “We watched a bunch of episodes from this past season, and my mom brought me up to speed on what happened earlier on in the show,” said Michael Ferree of Ithaca, NY, echoing the sentiments of Americans across the country who learned over the holiday that former-psychic-con-artist-turned-criminal-investigator Patrick Jane succeeded in tracking down and killing Red John, the serial killer who murdered Jane’s wife and daughter 10 years earlier. “Apparently, the mentalist was a fugitive for a while until the FBI found him and forced him to come work for them. Now, the show takes place in Austin for some reason. Also, at the end of last season, the mentalist got together with the main girl who was just about to move to Washington with this FBI agent she was dating. It’s okay.” At press time, millions of Americans confirmed that they would finish watching season seven of The Mentalist during Thanksgiving weekend 2015.
Girl Scouts To Sell Cookies Online #~# The Girl Scouts of America announced that though scouts have always sold cookies face-to-face to encourage salesmanship, the organization will now allow them to sell the popular cookies online to “use modern tools to expand the size and scope of their cookie business.” What do you think?
NFL Week 13 Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 13th week of the NFL season:
Consumer Entering That Awkward Age Between Target Demographics #~# SAN LEANDRO, CA—Acknowledging that he has reached a stage in his life when he doesn’t quite seem to fit in anywhere, marketing experts confirmed Monday that local consumer Keith Eberhardt, 34, is entering that awkward period of transition between target demographics. “Though Keith no longer fits in with most of his 18-to-34-year-old peers, it may be a while before he feels like he really belongs in the 35-to-49 demographic, and that can be a difficult time in a consumer’s life,” said Laura Washburn of KPG Digital Marketing, noting that while Eberhardt has grown out of mobile ad campaigns for energy drinks and UFC programming, he isn’t yet solidly part of the audience buying luxury automobiles and mortgage refinancing services. “It’s never easy being on the outside looking in, but Keith just hasn’t quite grown into a middle-aged adult with an income of $60,000 or more in his peak purchasing years. Until then, he’s probably going to feel a little bit overlooked by advertisers and branding experts. It’s something every college-educated, white, upper-middle-class male goes through.” Washburn added that Eberhardt will undergo a series of changes in the months ahead, explaining that he’ll likely start noticing ads for high-fiber cereals and whole-grain snacks and begin feeling things toward these products that he has never felt before.
Empty ‘About Us’ Page Leaves Chinese Buffet’s Origins Shrouded In Mystery #~# BROOKLYN PARK, MN—Mystified internet users confirmed this week that the peculiar, completely empty “About Us” page on the website of local restaurant Imperial Garden has left the origins of the Chinese buffet shrouded in an impenetrable cloud of secrecy. In the place where one would normally see a brief history of the business or a message from its owners, baffled visitors reported finding only a stark white, text-free void, which left them to grapple with the provenance of the all-you-can-eat Szechuan grill on their own. With the website revealing few details about the enigmatic establishment beyond its hours, delivery zone, and lunch specials, sources said the mysteries that remain—from how the restaurant came to exist in its current Lake Square strip mall location, to whether authentic family recipes are still in use—are perhaps beyond the capacity of any mere mortal web user to understand, and thus must be kept hidden from online viewers’ eyes. At press time, the cryptic home page had reportedly denied any further enlightenment to its visitors by sending those who clicked upon its “Contact Us” link to a page that was no longer available.
The Onion Freely And Happily Gives Its Employees' Passwords To China #~# In the wake of a four-month cyber-assault by Chinese hackers on the New York Times, during which multiple high-level Times reporters’ passwords were stolen using sophisticated infiltration techniques, The Onion would like to once again affirm our commitment to providing the Chinese government with our employees’ passwords and personal information with total and unquestioning cooperation.
Gabby Giffords Tells Congress To Act On Gun Control #~# Former Arizona representative Gabrielle Giffords, who was shot in the head in 2011, delivered the opening remarks yesterday at a congressional hearing on gun violence that later featured testimony from NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre. What do you think?
'Entourage' Fans Doubt Film Adaptation Can Capture Nuances Of Book #~# LOS ANGELES—Longtime fans of Entourage expressed uncertainty Thursday following reports that the classic tale of ambition and fraternity will be adapted to the silver screen, with fans conveying their doubts that any film adaptation could possibly do justice to the narrative intricacies and rich characterization of John Updike’s acclaimed 1986 novel. “Given the sheer density of the original book, I honestly don’t see how a two-hour movie could even come close to capturing the complex plotting and immense social impact of Updike’s cutting show-business satire,” said Entourage enthusiast Walter Landon, echoing the concerns of millions of bibliophiles worldwide who have, over the years, intently read and reread the 1,200-page PEN/Faulkner Award–winning narrative documenting the shifting fortunes of such timeless literary figures as Vincent Chase, Ari Gold, and Salvatore Assante, known colloquially throughout the novel as “Turtle.” “How will the filmmakers possibly render the pivotal chapter wherein Vince buys E a Maserati? Or the torment experienced by Ari when he is asked to betray his own client? Or the brotherhood evinced in Drama’s collaboration with Andrew Dice Clay in the absorbing text-within-a-text Johnny’s Bananas? I’m sorry, but these are moments that can only really live and breathe on the printed page.” At press time, the nation’s Entourage buffs had reportedly eased their concerns upon learning the film’s producers had recruited a cast and crew befitting the monumental work, including revered thespians Adrian Grenier and Kevin Dillon.
God Freaks Self Out By Lying Awake Contemplating Own Immortality #~# THE HEAVENS—Sources close to God reported Thursday that the Creator of the Universe and Author of Our Eternal Salvation suffered a crippling bout of existential dread this week, lying awake all night as He pondered His own immortality.
Department Of Interior Bilked Out Of $18 Million In Funding By Con Gopher #~# WASHINGTON—Officials from the Interior Department hastily assembled a press conference Thursday after the government agency was reportedly swindled out of an estimated $18 million by a smooth-talking con gopher. “My staff found the little guy burrowing along in Rocky Mountain National Park, and we started to fall for this whole sob story about all these critical threats to his natural habitat,” said outgoing department head Ken Salazar, admitting to reporters that he had personally been moved to tears by the story of the Northern pocket gopher’s supposed day-to-day struggles with nonindigenous predators. “Later, when we sent our guys to visit the hole he lived in, it had been emptied out, and the conniving rodent had disappeared with millions in endangered-species funding. For all we know, that son-of-a-bitch gopher is halfway to Aruba by now.” Salazar added that he hasn’t felt this betrayed since a 2009 scam in which he purchased more than $4 million worth of bogus time-shares from a copse of disreputable pine trees.
Creepy One-Word Text Message From Mom Could Mean Anything #~# TACOMA, WA—Area high school student Josh Fairbanks, 16, confirmed Thursday that the vague, creepy one-word text message he just received from his mother could conceivably be interpreted in a nearly infinite variety of ways. “The last time we texted was yesterday, and the conversation definitely ended with ‘Bye,’ so she has to be referring to something new—but we just talked when she dropped me off at school,” a confused Fairbanks said of the brief message sent to his iPhone, which simply read “soon.” “I know she was going to the grocery store, so she could have started typing, gotten distracted, and accidentally hit ‘send’ before she could finish her thought. But if that were the case, it seems like the text would be a little longer or start with some other word. Or that she would have texted again and said ‘Sorry, I hit send by mistake.’” At press time, Fairbanks was mentally cataloguing every possible event in his own life, his mother’s life, or in existence altogether that may or may not be occurring in a timeframe definable as “soon.”
Screwball Jim Nabors Goofs Up Again By Marrying Man #~# SEATTLE—In just the latest of his bumbling misadventures, dimwitted Andy Griffith Show actor Jim Nabors, 82, reportedly found out today that he goofed up again after inadvertently marrying another man in a Seattle ceremony. “Aw, now, I didn’t mean to go and get myself hitched to a fella!” said the lovable but slow-witted Nabors, who in a series of humorous blunders managed to get mixed up in a legal gay marriage ceremony with local man Stan Cadwallader before a Washington state judge. “Heck, I mean, a fella and another fella? I don’t figure that much because, see, if he’s a man, and I’m a man…then…then….well, golly, I can’t make heads nor tails of this mess!” At press time, a red-faced Nabors reported being even more confused after being kissed by Cadwallader.
Jet Age Fixer-Upper #~# This charming, vacant airport terminal harkens back to a simpler, more futuristic time. Believed to have been designed by some high-minded architect, this mid-century dazzler has experienced water damage and hasn’t been able to rotate since 1977. But with a little TLC, it’ll be back to zoo-zoo-zooming in no time! Reference #9D821K
Man Brings Visiting Parents Into Office To Meet Coworkers Who Can't Stand Him #~# AUSTIN, TX—Area product manager Wayne Landgraf, 26, reportedly brought his visiting parents to his workplace at the Vasquez Group earlier this morning, taking the time to introduce them to all his coworkers who can’t stand him. “So, this is the whole gang—Stephen, Alice, Robbie, Kath, and, well, everyone else,” said Landgraf, acquainting his mother and father with 18 people who despise the sound of his voice, exclude him from social gatherings, and regularly duck into conference rooms to vent to each other about how much he pisses them off. “I’m glad you finally got to meet these guys. I guess now you can put the names with the faces!” At press time, sources said Landgraf was unable to find his parents, who were busy amusing a group of their son’s colleagues with stories of how much of a little asshole he was as a kid.
Minnesota Lynx World's Richest WNBA Team With Value Of $4 #~# MINNEAPOLIS—According to a report by Forbes magazine, the Minnesota Lynx are easily the WNBA’s richest franchise, boasting an estimated enterprise value of nearly four dollars. “With merchandise revenue at 29 cents and season ticket sales topping a dollar for the first time in history, the Minnesota Lynx are a financial powerhouse in the WNBA,” wrote Forbes editor Mark Furlow, who also cited a diet soda a fan bought for $1.25 in September as a major reason for the team’s record-breaking profits. “Meanwhile, the team’s brand new uniforms, together with a colorful ‘Minnesota Lynx’ sign, accounted for a whopping 74 cents in assets, helping to propel the franchise to dizzying levels of success that other WNBA teams can only dream of.” Sources also confirmed that negotiations are currently underway to renew superstar forward Seimone Augustus’ contract while keeping the Lynx under the WNBA’s 55-cent salary cap.
Study: Housecats Kill Billions Of Animals A Year #~# According to a new study, the nation’s population of domestic housecats and feral strays kills an estimated 2.4 billion birds and 12.3 billion mammals each year, far more than scientists previously believed. What do you think?
North Korea Celebrates As Kim Jong-Un Becomes First Man To Walk On Moon #~# PYONGYANG—Jubilation sounded far and wide in the North Korean capital today as upwards of 100,000 cheering citizens proudly thronged Kim Il-sung Square to celebrate the historic news that Dear Leader Kim Jong-un had become the first man to walk on the moon, ecstatic North Korean sources reported.
U.S. Economy Unexpectedly Shrank Last Quarter #~# The nation’s GDP contracted 0.1 percent over the final three months of 2012, surprising most economists and ending a string of three and a half years of growth. What do you think?
AR-15 Assault Rifle Beginning To Worry It May Never Get To Kill Innocent Person #~# RICHMOND, VA—As the Obama Administration signaled its determination to pass through extensive gun control reforms, a local AR-15 assault rifle told reporters Wednesday that it is beginning to fear it might never actually get the chance to kill an innocent human being in the course of its lifetime.
I Shouldn't Be Alive, But I Am, And Now I'm On TV #~# Animal Planet
Please #~# Could you please just buy this house? I am so tired of trying to sell it, you have no idea. Just purchase it now, and you can move out as soon as your check clears, I swear. Reference #J278847
Parents Finally Tell 2-Year-Old About 9/11 #~# MIAMI—Having long shielded him from discussion and depictions of the traumatic event, local couple Brad and Jeannine Musgrave told reporters Friday that the moment had come to tell their 2-year-old son Connor about the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. “Connor’s almost 26 months old now, so we decided it was about time to finally sit him down and explain exactly what happened on 9/11,” said Brad Musgrave, after giving his toddler a detailed, half-hour description of the four hijackings, the collapse of the Twin Towers, and the deaths of nearly 3,000 Americans. “We just couldn’t tiptoe around the subject any longer. At some point he was going to learn that there are evil men in this world who will stop at nothing to kill innocent people, including me, his mother, and him, if they have the chance. And we felt it was best he hear it from us now before it comes up at preschool.” Since child-development experts say Connor’s long-term memory pathways are still forming, the Musgraves plan to repeat their explanation at least once a week for the next four years.
Bo Obama Receives Visiting Dognitaries From Furuguay #~# WOOFINGTON, D.C.—Aiming to strengthen yiplomatic relations with the nation of Furuguay, Bo Obama welcomed a visiting doglegation from the overseas country to the White House Thursday for talks on a wide range of vital rufforms.
Obama Gives Up On Closing Guantánamo? #~# The State Department official tasked with shutting the Guantánamo Bay detention facility has been assigned to another position and will not be replaced, signaling that President Obama likely will no longer pursue the closing of the prison, a goal he had vowed to achieve his first year in office. What do you think?
Brother, Sister Talk On Phone To Make Mom Happy #~# CRANBERRY, PA—According to family sources, siblings Kara and Ross Delp spoke briefly on the phone Tuesday in an effort to please their mother and fulfill her request that they maintain a relationship. “Hey, how’s it going?” said the indifferent 32-year-old elder brother as he dutifully cycled through a short list of generic topics of conversation with his equally detached 29-year-old sister with whom he shares no mutual interests and little affection. “Mom said you were starting a new job. Do you like it?” At press time, the siblings were explaining to each other how busy they both were, but this was nice and they should definitely talk again soon.
Paranoid Syrian Man Thinks Government Out To Get Him #~# DAMASCUS—Describing an extensive conspiracy that supposedly reaches the highest corridors of power, a paranoid Syrian man told reporters Tuesday he believes the government is out to get him. “I’m telling you, they’re monitoring everything we do, and their goal is to eliminate anyone and everyone who stands in their way,” said wide-eyed conspiracy theorist Naji Hamed Yussif, 32, who peeked out his window blinds while explaining his belief that the government now controls the media and is actively working to shut down the activities of “the opposition.” “We’re talking about powerful individuals who wouldn’t hesitate to send in their thugs, round us all up, and exterminate us like rats. And don’t try to tell me the president’s not in on it—this thing goes all the way to the top.” At press time, Yussif could not be reached for further comment.
I'm Going To Make A Great Mom Someday #~# I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my future lately: what kind of life I want to have, what kind of person I want to be, all that stuff. It seems like nowadays, women are more concerned with having a successful career and being independent for a while than they are with settling down and raising a family. The world’s a changing place, after all, and you wouldn’t necessarily think that a single woman in her 20s such as myself would ever dream of having children. But I have to say, the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced it’s something I want to do.
'Pride And Prejudice' Turns 200 #~# The classic Jane Austen novel Pride and Prejudice, which follows the courtship of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy in 19th-century English high society, turned 200 years old yesterday and was marked with theatrical performances, readings, and other celebrations. What do you think?
Apple Announces Plans For New iPad With Extra Storage Drawer #~# CUPERTINO, CA—In what tech giant Apple is calling a “major leap forward” for one of its most beloved products, the company announced Tuesday it would begin selling a new version of its popular iPad tablet with an extra attached storage drawer.  “Featuring a stunning 9.7-inch Retina display, super-fast wireless performance, and a 5-inch-deep pull-out drawer, the iPad 4D is our most high-performance model to date,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said in a press release, adding that the sleek new drawer has a stainless-steel handle and comes in either white or black. “With slick ball-bearing slides and an ultra-light frame, the 4D can easily carry photographs, pens, calculators, legal pads, iPhones, and other personal belongings. Life just got a whole lot better, iPad users.” At press time, retail prices of the iPad 4D had dropped considerably on rumors that the company planned to release a mid-priced 4-inch-deep model as early as September.
Chicago's Annual Homicide Drive Off To Most Promising Start In Decades #~# CHICAGO—Having tallied a “very promising” 41 murders so far in 2013, police officials confirmed Tuesday that the annual Chicago Homicide Drive was off to its fastest start in more than a decade and was already well on its way to reaching this year’s goal for violent slayings. “It’s still January, but we’ve already seen an astounding number of contributions to this year’s murder drive,” Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy told reporters as he raised the red progress line on the Homicide Drive’s Murdometer, a 15-foot plywood silhouette of a gunned-down body that stands outside City Hall. “I don’t think anyone dreamed it would be possible to break last year’s staggering total of 506 murders, but with so many people chipping in all across the city, we may just do it. There’s a tremendous community-wide level of interest and participation in this yearly event, which is quickly becoming a treasured part of Chicago culture.” While McCarthy said he remained confident that Chicagoans would set a new Homicide Drive record this year, he cautioned that the city was beginning to face a shortage of potential victims in many of its highest-contributing neighborhoods.
Ray LaHood Resigns Following Mysterious Disappearance Of Country Road #~# WASHINGTON—Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood announced his resignation from the Obama Administration earlier this morning following his alleged involvement in the recent disappearance of U.S. Route 13. “Given his ongoing role in the investigation regarding last week’s sudden disappearance of this road, Mr. LaHood believes it is best that he step down from his position as Transport Secretary,” said LaHood’s spokesperson Jeffrey Graves, speaking to reporters after newly released photos showed the 67-year-old government official with the road just hours prior to when morning rush hour commuters discovered it was missing. “We also want to assure the public that Mr. LaHood is fully cooperating with investigators and has agreed to do whatever he can to ensure the return of this beautiful country road.” At press time, investigators were attempting to ID the remains of a stretch of highway found buried by the side of I-97.
The Deck Boys #~# HGTV
Ask A Boyfriend Who Just Might Dig Himself Out Of Trouble If He Plays This Perfectly #~# Dear Boyfriend Who Just Might Dig Himself Out Of Trouble If He Plays This Perfectly,
Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Calling the transformation both delightful and stunning, friends and family members confirmed Tuesday that 17-year-old Ashley Parker was blossoming into an absolutely gorgeous object.
Iran Claims It Launched Monkey Into Space #~# Iranian officials announced yesterday they had launched a monkey into space and safely returned the animal to earth, asserting that the nation is now five to eight years away from putting a human in orbit. What do you think?
Pregnant Jessica Simpson Pulls Out Fetus For Photo Op #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Celebrity personality Jessica Simpson manually extracted her second-trimester fetus today and posed for photos as part of an exclusive prenatal photoshoot with US Weekly, the tabloid reported. “Here, get one of me kissing it!” said a smiling Simpson to photographers, pressing her lips up against the 6-inch, 4-ounce fetus covered in streaks of blood and vernix caseosa whom she had pulled out of her own womb just seconds earlier. “Let me know if there is any other way you want me to pose. These pictures are going to look so cute!” Simpson then tweeted a picture of herself squeezing the unborn child back through her vaginal canal and into her uterus before wiping the bloody amniotic yolk off her hands.
New Twitter Video Service Rife With User Porn #~# Launched Thursday, Twitter’s new video app called Vine, which allows users to upload and share up to six seconds of footage, has already drawn a wide variety of self-made exhibitionist clips, as well as explicit sexual videos. What do you think?
1930s Comedian Pretty Sure He's Outsmarted Murphy Bed #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Clad in his pajamas, fuzzy slippers, and floppy nightcap, mustachioed 1930s comedian Max Ruckle announced Sunday night that he had finally gotten the best of his new house’s stubborn Murphy bed. “That oughta do the trick,” Ruckle said after a prolonged 45-minute struggle with the malfunctioning bed, during which he repeatedly stomped on its mattress in an attempt to keep it down and became frantic each time it suddenly sprung upward and trapped him inside the wall. “Bed’s trying to make a monkey out of me, eh? Well, it takes a lot more than a pile of springs to outwit ol’ Max Ruckle!” Sources confirmed the sleepy Ruckle then blew out the flame from his candlestick and jumped into bed, immediately causing the walls of his house to collapse outward in all four directions.
Nation Would Not Be Surprised At This Point If Chris Brown Allegedly Traveled Back In Time And Punched Anne Frank #~# LOS ANGELES—Following reports of singer Chris Brown's recent involvement in a vicious brawl over a parking space, Americans admitted Monday they would not be all that surprised at this point if news leaked that the short-fused R&B performer had somehow travelled back in time and punched Holocaust victim Anne Frank in the face. “Given all that we know about what kind of person Chris Brown is, I honestly wouldn't bat an eye if I learned he had somehow contorted the fabric of space and time in order to appear in Holland circa 1944, burst into Anne Frank’s hiding place, knocked her diary out of her hands, and assaulted her for no reason,” receptionist Theresa Galloway told reporters, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who believe that such a far-fetched scenario would “actually make perfect sense” in the context of the hotheaded pop star's past behavior. “I don’t care if it is physically impossible, it would still not really faze me too much if I saw that headline on TMZ or wherever. Nor would it shock me if he disclosed the Frank family’s location to the SS before making it back to the present to perform at the Grammy Awards. Yeah, that sounds about right.” When pressed for further comment, sources nationwide noted that the only implausible development they could think of would be if sales of Chris Brown albums were to be adversely affected in any way by such an incident.
When Will These Senseless Gun Debates Come To An End? #~# We live in a great country. Between our democratic values, constitutional freedoms, and rich traditions, Americans enjoy immense privileges and benefits that allow us to enjoy the highest standard of living in the world. But, my friends, there is one area where I would like to say “Enough is enough.” For all our pride and progressivism, America still has a well-documented history of gun debates spanning back centuries—shocking and horrific debates that, despite our best efforts, show no signs of abating.
Players Rest Up For Grueling Week Of Super Bowl Hype #~# NEW ORLEANS—Ahead of the much-anticipated matchup between the Ravens and 49ers, sources confirmed Tuesday that players from both teams have been resting up for an arduous week of intense Super Bowl hype. “It’s been a long season and everyone’s feeling weary, but we all need to be physically and mentally prepared for the fierce publicity ahead,” said Ravens safety Bernard Pollard, adding that seasoned veterans like linebacker Ray Lewis are crucial to showing younger players how to properly handle the relentless interviews, commercial appearances, photo shoots, and social media interaction. “There are times when you don’t think you can keep going, but you just have to dig deep and really push yourself to keep talking about how this is the biggest game of your life and how we’ve all fought so hard to get here. We’ll be getting ready as though this is any other totally overhyped event, but in a lot of ways you can’t totally prepare for such a huge promotional buildup.” When reached for comment, 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh told reporters he is “relishing every moment” of the week-long Super Bowl hype after working his entire life to get to this level of attention.
Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl #~# WASHINGTON—Football fans across the nation were reportedly exhilarated this week, claiming that they were thrilled for the much-anticipated opportunity to finally see a Harbaugh lose a Super Bowl. “I’m so pumped up! I can’t wait to savor every moment of a Harbaugh losing an NFL Championship,” said Kansas City resident Eric Rasmussen, adding that he’s praying for Super Bowl XLVII to be an embarrassing blowout. “It’s going to be awesome watching that special moment when a Harbaugh dejectedly walks off the field instead of hoisting up the Lombardi Trophy.” While the country’s football fans admitted seeing a Harbaugh lose the AFC Championship and NFC Championship last year was something “very special,” most confirmed that “this will be way better.”
Women's Increasing Role In Combat #~# Defense Secretary Leon Panetta announced last week that the U.S. armed forces would lift a regulation that barred women from serving in official combat roles on the front lines. Here are some other notable milestones in women’s military history:
J.J. Abrams To Direct New 'Star Wars' Movie #~# Disney has selected J.J. Abrams, director of the recently rebooted Star Trek franchise and co-creator of the TV show Lost, to direct the upcoming Star Wars sequel, slated for release in 2015. What do you think?
Despite Lessons Of Cautionary Film 'Multiplicity,' Geneticists Determined To Clone Michael Keaton #~# WASHINGTON—A team of geneticists in Boston earned a stern rebuke from the scientific community this week when, despite the lessons learned from the 1996 cautionary film Multiplicity, they vowed to press ahead with their efforts to clone actor Michael Keaton.
Peter King Works Terrible Stay At Courtyard Marriott Into Every Component Of Super Bowl Preview #~# NEW YORK—Sports Illustrated’s Peter King published his lengthy preview of Super Bowl XLVII Sunday, drawing particular attention from readers in large part due to nearly 50 mentions of a terrible stay at a Courtyard Marriott littered throughout the piece. “Taking advantage of the extra week’s rest will be crucial for injured 49ers end Justin Smith—nearly as crucial as it was for me the night before covering two conference championship games in one day, but Lord knows I couldn’t string together more than two consecutive hours of sleep with those paper-thin dividers the Courtyard tries to pass off as walls,” King wrote in the championship preview he broke into six parts: offense, defense, special teams, good luck getting any goddamn hot water, coaching, and intangibles. “There are still a number of questions that need to be answered by 49ers offense and the manager of that sad excuse for a hotel, namely, can they move the ball through the air if the running game is contained and how exactly can you get away with calling something a breakfast when the waffle maker is broken and you’re all out of eggs?” After explaining in detail that giving attitude is a surefire way for bellhops to never earn a tip, King concluded the preview by predicting that the Ravens will win a tight, low scoring matchup and he won’t be setting foot in any Marriott-operated hotel unless “some major Rewards points get sent my way soon.”
ESPN Showing Home Footage Of Young Harbaugh Brothers Coaching Together In Backyard #~# BRISTOL, CT—In part of the network’s buildup to the much-anticipated “HarBowl,” ESPN is showing viewers exclusively obtained home footage of Jim and John Harbaugh coaching together in their backyard as young boys, sources confirmed Friday.“We thought it would be nice to give a glimpse into what these two phenomenal NFL coaches were like when they were kids and just coaching football in the yard without a care in the world,” said SportsCenter executive producer Alex Durbin, adding that the old clips of the Harbaughs screaming play calls, managing the game clock, and slamming their Fisher-Price headsets to the ground after giving up touchdowns has already garnered a very positive response from ESPN viewers. “As you can see, back when Jim and John were 7 and 8, coaching football wasn’t about winning championships. It was just about getting outside with friends and running up and down the sidelines until it was too dark to see the clipboard.” Reached for comment, Jack Harbaugh told reporters that regardless of which team wins the Lombardi Trophy, he is simply proud that his sons never lost the childlike petulance they always had as young coaches.
Brady Quinn Frantically Trying To Confirm His Online Girlfriend Not A Hoax #~# KANSAS CITY—Responding to news that Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o’s girlfriend had been invented as part of an elaborate hoax, Chiefs quarterback Brady Quinn reportedly spent Friday trying to verify the existence of his own girlfriend, Veronica Smith, whom he met online. “I’m probably being paranoid, but I figure if this can happen to Manti, it can happen to anyone,” said Quinn, who placed several calls to Smith’s hometown of Sudbury, Ontario in search of someone who knew the 23-year-old. “I mean, I think Veronica is real. We’ve been together for over two years and I got a cyber hand job from her earlier this week. I don’t know—I just want to be sure I’m not getting played.” At press time, Quinn had reportedly relaxed after receiving a text message from Smith assuring him that she existed.
North Korea To Test New Nuclear Weapon #~# In response to recently imposed U.N. sanctions, North Korea vowed to conduct its third test of a nuclear weapon, warning of confrontation with its proclaimed “arch-enemy” the United States. What do you think?
8th Grader Impregnated During Trip To 'March For Life' Event #~# WASHINGTON—Mallory Pickens, a 13-year-old pro-life extremist attending today’s March for Life event in the nation’s capital, was reportedly unaware that she had been impregnated the previous evening by a fellow member of her church’s anti-abortion organization. “Right to choose? That’s a lie! Babies do not choose to die!” chanted the sign-toting Lambs of Christ activist who is utterly ignorant of the fact that the semen of Kirk Tussle, a 13-year-old fellow church member and pro-life extremist, had completed the capacitation stage and resulted in a fertilized zygote following a fumbling sexual encounter at the Holiday Inn Express where their group had rented several adjoining rooms. “Life from conception! No exception!” At press time, sources close to Pickens predict that after discovering the pregnancy she will drop out of school, isolate herself from friends and family, and suffer crippling postpartum depression.
Millions Of Human Beings Experiencing Actual Emotions About J.J. Abrams Directing 'Star Wars' #~# NEW YORK—Following reports that J.J. Abrams will be directing the forthcoming Star Wars: Episode VII, sources confirmed today that millions of actual human beings are experiencing genuine psychological and physiological responses to the news. “Evidence suggests that there are currently multiple people existing in the world who are compelled, for some reason, to think and even speak to others about this subject, as though it were some sort of biological imperative,” said NYU sociology professor Dr. Herbert Winslow, who went on to explain that several of these humans are even displaying visible signs of demonstrable emotions such as anger, joy, and disappointment over the Star Trek director’s involvement in the film series. “We can also safely assume that this very same subsection of humans is, at this moment, feeling a more tangible connection to news related to this film series than they ever have about such subjects as the economy, international strife and poverty, or even their own friends and family.” Winslow went on to confirm the existence of several human beings even willing to read actual blocks of text such as this discussing J.J. Abrams and Star Wars.
Friday, February 1 #~# For all those interested in Tami Macon’s newly developed B-cups, a viewing has been scheduled for 5 p.m. Friday behind the youth center.
Series Of Grave Errors Results In Jeff And Kim's 5th Anniversary #~# ORLANDO, FL—A lengthy succession of grievous and utterly miscalculated errors resulted in the 5th anniversary of local couple Jeff and Kim Cuthbert’s wedding, sources confirmed today. “At this point, we can only blame years’ worth of lamentable and fundamentally flawed judgment—primarily on the part of not only Jeff and Kim, but also their friends and family—for today’s 5th anniversary,” said marital expert Simon Hatter, explaining that the anniversary is ultimately the culmination of many calamitous errors, including the couple’s 2006 introduction when they excitedly believed they “hit it off,” their 2007 engagement, and their doomed 2008 wedding. “It’s also safe to say that the series of mishaps continues every single day Jeff and Kim eat dinner together without making eye contact and silently lie in bed together.” Hatter explained the sequence of mistakes will likely continue through the births of Jeff and Kim’s two children in 2014 and 2017, but that a faint glimmer of hope will emerge briefly during their 2023 trial separation.
McDonald’s To Offer New Fish McBites #~# McDonald’s announced the upcoming launch of Fish McBites, roughly McNugget-sized fried fish pieces that are made from the same substance as the company’s Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. What do you think?
2013 Puppy Bowl Teams To Be Coached By Two Dogs From Same Litter #~# NEW YORK—For the first time in its nine-year history, Animal Planet’s annual Puppy Bowl will feature a coaching matchup between puppies from the same litter, with two 14-week-old Bernese Mountain Dog brothers calling the plays for Puppy Bowl IX, sources confirmed Thursday. “Whether they want the attention or not, the battle of wits between Gunner and Zeus will be all anyone’s talking about come game day,” said Jezebel editor Doug Barry, noting that the puppies, who were raised together on a rural Ohio farm, displayed a knack for strategy and barking orders from an early age. “We already know these dogs are masters at moving the football chew toy down the field—the question will be how they respond to the combined pressure of sibling rivalry and performing on puppy football’s biggest stage.” The two coaches, along with the 62 puppies under their command, will reportedly be available for adoption at animal shelters throughout the country following the game.
Executive Creative Too #~# NEW YORK—Saying he likes to think of himself as “more than just a stuffy businessman in a suit,” Wyatt Media Group CEO Barney Washburn, 57, informed reporters today that he is actually quite creative, too.
Eccentric Man Introduces New Sweater To Closet Pals Colonel Coat And Captain Blazer #~# NEW YORK—Wasting no time in making the necessary introductions upon his return from the clothing store Wednesday, eccentric man Oliver Roberts promptly entered his bedroom and acquainted his new sweater with soon-to-be closet pals Colonel Coat and Captain Blazer. “Hear ye, hear ye! I would ask ye fine adornments to join me in welcoming our new sweater friend, who shall henceforth be known as Count Sweater,” Roberts said in an address to Colonel Coat and Captain Blazer, as well as to their wardrobe companions Madame Scarf, Lieutenant Gloves, and Doctor Belt. “It is my greatest wish that our new friend feels safe and comfortable in his new home and that he is included at all times. And no funny business from you, Miss Shoes—ah, I’m terribly sorry—Mrs. Shoes.” At press time, Roberts had left the attire to socialize among themselves but returned 10 minutes later on a nagging suspicion that the sweater had fallen victim to the pernicious pranks of Sir Hat.
The Onion Demands John Kerry Tell The Truth About His Swift Boat Service #~# In this age of global tumult and unrest, it is of the very utmost importance that our government officials are straightforward, candid, honorable individuals who demonstrate a steadfast unwillingness to cede the nation’s interests to the enemy. And among these varied posts, there is perhaps none more vital to our continued security and safety than the office of Secretary of State. Choosing a man for this position is not a decision that should be made lightly, and yet the current nominee, Senator John Forbes Kerry, currently appears likely to pass through the nomination process unimpeded, having curried the favor of legislators on both sides of the aisle.
'I Was One Of Several People Duped,' Manti Te'o Tells Scarecrow Dressed As Katie Couric #~# NEW YORK—Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o admitted Thursday that he was one of several people duped by an elaborate hoax involving the death of his nonexistent girlfriend in a revealing interview with a scarecrow dressed as Katie Couric. “It wasn’t just me—a lot of people got tricked,” said Te’o, who reportedly reached for the scarecrow’s straw hand and gazed longingly into the eyes drawn on the burlap sack face. “You know, Katie, your beautiful face reminds me a lot of Lennay’s. You make me so comfortable, I feel like I’ve known you forever. I love how you’re always smiling.” At press time, sources confirmed that a panicked Te’o was frantically attempting to resuscitate the unresponsive Katie Couric scarecrow.
Frustrated Inner-City Students Running Out Of Ideas To Motivate Teachers #~# CHICAGO—A frustrated group of students at Dunne High School on Chicago’s South Side told reporters Thursday that they are running out of ideas to motivate their underperforming teachers, who they claim have apparently given up on education despite the pupils’ concerted efforts. “We’ve tried everything to reach out to our teachers in hopes of making a connection, but it’s just so hard to get through to them,” said 10th-grader Christopher Fenton, who confirmed that most of his instructors live in low-income households and lack the basic language skills to communicate effectively. “It’s difficult to walk in the classroom each morning and see them sitting listlessly at their desks, convinced that nothing they do at school matters. And, unfortunately, it creates a vicious cycle: They think they’re going nowhere, and so that’s how they behave.” While Fenton stated that the school’s inadequate facilities and out-of-date teaching materials were partly to blame for educators’ dismal performance, he also acknowledged the problem has been exacerbated by the perceptible substance abuse issues that afflict many of his teachers, a number of whom have already developed lifelong dependencies on drugs and alcohol.
Nation's Movie Theaters Bracing For 'Hansel And Gretel' Being Perhaps The Biggest Hit Of All Time #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—Setting up barricades and unloading emergency food supplies today as they readied for what may perhaps be the single most commercially successful film of all time, movie theaters across the nation continued urgently preparing for the massive crowds of fans expected to rush their doors for Friday’s premiere of Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. “If we don’t guard these exits and reinforce the doors, people will literally break them down,” Regal Cinemas manager Dan Engle said as he mobilized his staff for the Jeremy Renner–Gemma Arterton action-adventure-horror film, which is scheduled to play on all 12 of the theater’s screens during all scheduled showtimes throughout the day. “Folks, I don’t want to be a pain here, but in mere hours we’re going to have hundreds—if not thousands—of screaming Hansel and Gretel fans lined up outside trying to see this film, and if we don’t have a body at every door then these people will, I shit you not, burst into the projection room and steal the movie itself right off the projector.” At press time, officials at Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer had ordered extra security detail for the film’s director, Tommy Wirkola, until the worldwide pandemonium dies down.
North Korea Claims New Long Range Missile Has Ability To Fly Right Up In The Air, Not Unlike A Bird Or A Fly #~# PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In a provocative and defiant pronouncement aimed at the United States and the U.N., North Korean officials announced Thursday that the country’s latest generation of ballistic missiles possessed the capability to fly right up into the air, much the same as a young bird or a silvery dragonfly might. “Our mighty new Unha missile will go very high, up to the skies above, not at all unlike a long-necked crane rising from the Jiandao marsh,” said vice marshal of the Korean People’s Army Hyon Yong-chol, who went on to liken the weapon’s “terrific fearsomeness” to an angered ox. “Let all nations hear these words: our missile will soar great distances like a migrating duck flying among clouds before returning to the earth with the force of 10,000 pine trees falling. Dire consequences await all who do not heed this warning!” Hyon also confirmed that North Korea would soon test another of its nuclear weapons, which he said was capable of delivering unfathomable levels of death and misery, not unlike the chronic malnutrition that afflicts roughly one-third of his nation’s children.
U.S. Military Lauded For Creating Gender-Neutral Killing Field #~# WASHINGTON—Female veterans and feminist activist groups are commending the Pentagon this week following a watershed policy change that will lift the ban on women in combat roles, rendering the battlefield an equal-opportunity death zone. “The U.S. Armed Forces have been gender-neutral in their victims for years, and now they’re finally leveling the killing field for female combatants as well,” said Nadine Hynes, a retired Marine Corps Lance Corporal who was unable to add to the carnage of Iraq’s blood-soaked, limb-strewn slaughterscapes due to the Pentagon’s 1994 rule barring women from infantry and artillery roles. “Now, women will have the same opportunity to accidentally gun down innocent civilians or be ripped apart by insurgent rocket fire as men.” At press time, servicewomen were celebrating the likelihood of additional policy gains that would include the right to return from service equally haunted by their ordeals, and the right to face just as many hurdles to proper mental health care as their fellow servicemen.
Biden Scores 800 Feet Of Copper Wire #~# WASHINGTON—Calling it a “major-ass haul” that would provide “some much-needed scratch,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly scored over 800 feet of copper wire from a foreclosed home in the D.C. suburbs, White House sources confirmed Thursday.
Monday, January 28 #~# Street cleaning on Lafayette Ave. will begin on Monday and continue for six days to give that filthy sucker a thorough scrubbing.
Nepal Issues IDs With 'Third Gender' Option #~# In what is being hailed as a major victory for transgender activists, the Himalayan nation of Nepal began issuing citizenship certificates that allow the holder to select the option “third gender” if they do not identify as male or female. What do you think?
Pentagon Allows Women To Serve On Front Lines #~# Defense Secretary Leon Panetta announced today the removal of a 1994 Pentagon rule that banned women from officially serving on the front lines. What do you think?
When You're Feeling Low, Just Remember I'll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years #~# My friends, everybody has their down days, and during these long winter months it is especially easy to succumb to the doldrums and find yourself in a bit of a funk. But not to fear! I have a simple tip that’s guaranteed to pick you up and get you back in good spirits in no time, and here it is: Whenever you’re feeling low, just remember that I, Donald Trump, will be dead in roughly 15 to 20 years.
Copy Of 'The Scarlet Letter' Can't Believe The Notes High Schooler Writing In Margins #~# FOX CHAPEL, PA—A mass-market paperback edition of The Scarlet Letter confirmed Wednesday that it simply could not believe the misguided and often completely erroneous notes that local high school sophomore Phoebe Dobson has been writing in its margins.
Hillary Clinton Testifies On Benghazi Attack #~# Secretary of State Hillary Clinton testified before Congress today about last year’s attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya that left Ambassador Chris Stevens and several others dead, an assault that many Republicans contend was intentionally covered up. What do you think?
And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow #~# NEW YORK—As yet another day drew to a close Wednesday, sources confirmed that, Christ, just think, the nation actually has to go through all of this again tomorrow. All of this, which includes traffic, sitting at a desk for hours on end, uncomfortable social situations, regret, prime-time television, self-disgust, and the inexorable march of time, will reportedly begin anew the moment the alarm clocks of U.S. residents awaken them in the morning. At that time, sources said, the populace will once more have to endure it all, including anxiety, the inevitable deterioration of the human body, evil, the dissociative effects of technology, unchecked consumerism, sexual inadequacy, memory loss, lethargy, racial inequality, the diminishing value of a hard day’s work, disease, entropy, war, and the general malaise that defines the human condition. Compounding these issues, according to reports, will be the fact that each individual will be fully aware of the repetitive, unrelenting nature of it all, and yet will be completely unable to do a thing about it. At press time, sources acknowledged that this—all of this—is our lot, and we had better just get used to it.
Roommate Food Pyramid Updated To Include 4 Servings Of Someone Else’s Grains, Cereals Per Day #~# WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Agriculture rolled out changes to its Roommate Food Pyramid for the first time in years Wednesday, revising the dietary guidelines to include four servings of someone else’s grains and cereals per day. “Under our new recommendations, housemates can meet their nutritional allotment of grains by grabbing whatever bread’s in the kitchen and taking a couple slices from the middle of the loaf, or by consuming one or more bowls of Frosted Flakes, provided the box is already open,” said USDA nutritionist Linus Wolcott, emphasizing the importance of eating complex carbohydrates and placing all items back exactly where they were found. “And, as usual, we urge roommates to meet their recommended daily intake of protein by eating at least four ounces of Steve’s lunch meat right out of the plastic bag, ideally directly in front of the refrigerator with their back turned to the kitchen door in case he walks in.” Wolcott also noted that the USDA had removed its earlier recommendation of drinking the last few swigs of orange juice, citing recent adverse findings.
22-Year-Old Gets Job At Website #~# SAN FRANCISCO—A local 22-year-old has obtained a job at a website, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I am eager to begin my career working at this website,” said the white male in his 20s, who secured his position after graduating from a four-year educational program at an accredited university. “This is an exciting industry. My job will allow me to use my technological skills in the workplace.” According to preliminary reports, the 22-year-old is currently looking to rent an apartment in the major metropolitan area where the website is located.
Sunday, January 27 #~# Jefferson High School’s JV volleyball team will be holding a bake sale to raise money for their upcoming trip to New York, not that they deserve it after the way they played at regionals.
Friend's Mom Tearing It Up On Facebook #~# PORTLAND, ME—Friends of area man Nick Overbeck confirmed today that the 26-year-old’s mother has been absolutely ripping it up on Facebook over the past four hours and shows no signs of slowing down. “Man, look at her go—she’s friending people left and right and just liking the shit out of everything she sees,” said friend Alan Gerard, noting that Nick’s mom had left a “pretty insane” string of comments on other people’s statuses over the previous 90 minutes. “And she’s going absolutely balls to the wall posting family photos and scam alerts. Christ, she’s really going for it, isn’t she?” At press time, sources confirmed that Nick’s mother had learned how to use the chat feature and was carrying on six simultaneous conversations like a goddamn madman.
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of January 23, 2013 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Radiation Blast May Have Hit Earth In Middle Ages #~# A new report posits that the collision of two black holes or neutron stars may have produced a gamma ray burst that hit Earth in the 8th century, generating a variety of chemical isotopes that can be found in ancient tree rings and ice cores. What do you think?
Prince Harry: 'I Killed Taliban-Looking People' #~# CAMP BASTION, AFGHANISTAN—Completing his four-month tour of duty in Afghanistan, Prince Harry of Wales admitted in interviews this week to having killed a number of “Taliban-looking people” while serving with the British Army Air Corps. “They were definitely dressed pretty Taliban-y, wearing those scarves and robe things, and they were speaking that al-Qaeda-sounding language,” Queen Elizabeth II’s 28-year-old grandson said of the Afghan insurgents he shot and killed while co-piloting an Apache helicopter to provide air support for ground forces. “Who else could it have been? It’s Afghanistan. They’re all over this place in their dirty Taliban homes. Those Taliban kids are hard to hit, by the way—they’re quick.” Upon returning home, Harry, who is third in line to the British throne, reported sighting numerous Taliban insurgents working in shops, running businesses, and walking around London in plain view.
Hungover Michelle Obama Packs Leftover Inaugural Ball Hors D'oeuvres Into Sasha’s Lunch Box #~# WASHINGTON—Shielding her eyes from the harsh light as she shuffled into her kitchen Tuesday morning, a visibly hungover Michelle Obama reportedly readied her daughter Sasha for school by packing her a lunch box of leftover hors d’oeuvres from the previous night’s Inaugural Ball. “Here you go, honey, have a nice day,” the First Lady said while arranging an assortment of sorrel-wrapped goat cheese, duck confit, oysters a la poulette and other canapés into an insulated lunch pack. “Be good.” At press time, sources reported that while Sasha Obama appreciated the variety of foods, she herself was too hungover to eat.
Obama Calls For Climate Change Action #~# President Barack Obama surprised many in his inaugural address yesterday by singling out the threat of global warming and vowing to make the fight against climate change a top priority in his second term. What do you think?
Man Who Can't Get Enough Mucus Enjoying Winter Season #~# CHICAGO—Saying that he’s always up for having more mucus congesting every part of his respiratory system, local man Michael Harrison told reporters this morning that he was really delighting in the winter season. “I tell you, there is nothing I like better than the feeling of phlegm pouring out of my nose and caking over my raw, exposed nostrils,” said Harrison, who added that struggling to pull air through his mucus-suffused nose and mouth was just one of the many things that made winter his favorite time of the year. “What can I say? I’m a mucus man!” At press time, an utterly delighted Harrison was wiping frozen phlegm off of his nose and lips with the back of his coarse winter glove.
Falcons Starting To See Why No One Believed In Them #~# ATLANTA—Following their disappointing 28-24 defeat to the 49ers in the NFC Championship Game, members of the Atlanta Falcons confirmed Tuesday that the team is beginning to understand why nobody in the country believed in them this season. “At first I thought everyone was just bitter about our number one seed, but after blowing a 17-point lead at home to lose the game, now I see why people never stopped doubting us,” said Falcons wide receiver Roddy White, adding that with a 1-4 record in the playoffs since 2008, “it totally makes sense” not to take the team seriously as a postseason threat. “I guess when you think about it, we’re basically just an above-average team that always falls apart during the playoffs, so it’s no wonder everyone kept saying we wouldn’t even reach the Super Bowl, let alone win it. And they were right.” White also confirmed that after a second-half interception and a costly fumbled snap, the entire Falcons organization now realizes why the entire country has always insisted that Matt Ryan is not an elite quarterback.
62-Year-Old With Gun Only One Standing Between Nation And Full-Scale Government Takeover #~# NORFOLK, VA—According to numerous reports, local 62-year-old Earl Bailey, who owns a shotgun and several boxes of ammunition, is currently the last bastion of defense between the United States of America and the federal government’s plot of a full-scale takeover.
We Raise All Our Beef Humanely On Open Pasture And Then We Hang Them Upside Down And Slash Their Throats #~# Consumers today are more conscientious than ever about the choices they make at the supermarket. They want to know that the food they put on the table for their family is all-natural, environmentally friendly, and humane. And that’s why we here at Nature’s Acres Ranch hold ourselves to a higher standard and produce only the finest grass-fed and 100 percent additive-free beef. We guarantee that our cows are ethically raised on sustainably grown pastures before we hang them upside down from a moving conveyor and slice their throats wide open.
Report: Mom's Work Friend Has No One #~# We Should Invite Her To Dinner Sometime
NASA Continues Search For Planet Capable Of Supporting NASA #~# HOUSTON—Nearly four years after launching its Kepler space telescope to search for worlds outside our solar system, NASA officials confirmed Tuesday they had yet to find a planet with sufficient resources to support the space-exploration agency and its 18,000 employees. “While the discovery of Earth-like exoplanets continues at an encouraging pace, we have so far been unsuccessful at locating one with the proper financial climate and abundant liquid assets necessary to allow an agency of our size and scope to survive,” said agency administrator Charles Bolden, noting that only a relative handful of planets had been found in the so-called NASA Goldilocks Zone, an area of space in which water, moderate temperatures, and $20 billion in annual funding might exist. “There are billions of planets in our galaxy, so we’re very hopeful that one of them might harbor life-forms that actually have an interest in space and science more generally. We haven’t found one yet, but we believe they’re out there.” While Bolden stated that the Kepler mission had found 2,700 exoplanets to date, every one of them appeared to be facing crippling budget shortfalls.
TSA Removing Nude Body Scanners From Airports #~# The Transportation Security Administration will remove all backscatter scanners from U.S. airports following years of complaints from air passengers and privacy rights organizations about the virtually nude images the machines produce. What do you think?
List Of Politically Achievable Reforms Down To Just Three Minor Changes To Traffic Code #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new report from the Pew Research Center, the number of reforms to U.S. law that could conceivably pass both houses of Congress and be signed into law is now down to three minor alterations to the nation’s traffic code. “Reinstating a federal speed limit, provided it is not overly restrictive, could plausibly reach the required number of aye votes in the House and, with some arm-twisting in the Senate, could feasibly make it to President Obama’s desk,” stated the report, which considered thousands of potential reforms to every federal law, statute, and regulation and rigorously weighed their ability to pass through the 113th Congress. “And it’s within the realm of possibility that Obama could lead a successful crusade to make right turn on red a nationwide policy, and maybe even strengthen turn signal requirements, barring a filibuster. However, any reform concerning U-turns is completely out of the question. It’s just too sensitive, politically speaking.” At press time, legal scholars at the American Bar Association released a white paper contending that two of the three politically achievable reforms would be struck down as unconstitutional by the Supreme Court.
Atari Files For Bankruptcy #~# The U.S. operations of the pioneering video game company Atari, famed for creating such classics as Asteroids, Missile Command, and Pong, filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. What do you think?
Romney Makes Desperate, Last-Ditch Bid For Presidency #~# WASHINGTON—With hundreds of thousands of onlookers assembled on the National Mall to celebrate Monday's inauguration, defeated Republican candidate Mitt Romney reportedly rushed out onto the stage to make one last frantic bid for the presidency. "My fellow Americans, I come to you at this late hour to plead with you to reconsider my candidacy for president of this great nation," a panting Romney said as multiple Secret Service agents attempted to physically drag the former Massachusetts governor away from the podium. "Please, if you'll just give me a second chance—Wait! No! Get your hands off me! IdosolemnlyswearthatIwillfaithfn—" At press time, sources confirmed that a weeping Romney was repeating phrases from the first presidential debate to himself as authorities escorted him into a waiting police vehicle.
Obama Begins Inauguration Festivities With Ceremonial Drone Flyover #~# WASHINGTON—Taking the oath of office for his second term today, President Barack Obama joined thousands of supporters in the nation’s capital for traditional inauguration festivities that included a prayer invocation, a parade along Pennsylvania Avenue, and a ceremonial flyover of three combat drones. “When Obama was being sworn in on the Capitol steps, we could hear the drones screeching by overhead and everyone got really excited,” spectator Andrew Meyers, 34, said as he eagerly trained his eyes on the unmanned aerial vehicles that have taken out several hundred innocent civilians during presidentially authorized strikes in Pakistan and Yemen. “They go by super fast, but luckily there are Jumbotrons all over the National Mall, so nobody missed out. Wait, they’re coming back!” At press time, sources confirmed that inaugural celebrants were enjoying the Jumbotron’s live closed-circuit feed of the still-open prison facility at Guantánamo Bay.
Biden Working His Way Through Scratch-Off Tickets During Obama's Swearing-In #~# WASHINGTON—As President Barack Obama recited the inaugural oath that will formally commence his second presidential term, onlookers confirmed Monday that Vice President Joe Biden was frantically working his way through a large pile of scratch-off lottery tickets. "Shit, no ringers yet, but once you get into that groove, Lady Luck rewards you with a hot payoff, and I'm gonna be right here when she does," said the vice president, taking an occasional swig from a brown-bagged tall boy of Keystone Ice before continuing to scrape at a long spool of scratchcards with a thumbnail. "I've got about a dozen of these Funky 5’s, and these bad boys can pay out 200 large with the bonus multiplier. I don't even bother with those lousy-ass one- and two-dollar ones. Casino Joe's hunting big game today." At press time, Obama had just concluded the swearing-in ceremony when sources reported Biden had jumped up from his seat and screamed “Fuck yeah!” before leaving the inauguration stage to redeem a "Free Ticket" win at a nearby gas station.
Highlights Of President Obama's Inauguration #~# Barack Obama was sworn in for a second term as president of the United States Monday, amid a day of pomp, parades, and performances in Washington, D.C. Here are some of the highlights of the daylong festivities:
Return Of NHL Season Reignites Exciting Sidney Crosby Vs. Cranial Fluid Buildup Rivalry #~# NEW YORK—With the NHL season set to finally begin after a prolonged labor dispute, sources confirmed Friday that the league’s return has reignited the intense and compelling rivalry between Sidney Crosby and the buildup of excess cranial fluid. “This is easily the most exciting rivalry in the sport, and fans are already on the edge of their seats waiting to see whether ‘Sid the Kid’ or the abnormal accumulation of cerebrospinal fluid comes out on top this year,” said ESPN hockey columnist Scott Burnside, adding that “there’s no love lost” between the 25-year-old Pittsburgh Penguins star and the acute intracranial pressure in his skull. “The profusion of brain fluids really had Crosby’s number two years ago, but Sid came roaring back at the end of last season to retake the upper hand. We’re all eagerly anticipating the third chapter of the rivalry when these two face off in their 48 regular season matchups. Plus, there’s a very good chance they’ll see each other in the playoffs as well.” Reports also confirmed that both serious and casual hockey fans alike are looking forward to seeing how the rivalry unfolds over the next 30 to 40 years.
Casual Drink With Acquaintance Actually First Move In Elaborate Chess Game To Get Hired At United.com #~# NAPERVILLE, IL—Sources confirmed Friday that what appeared to be a casual, friendly round of after-work drinks organized by 34-year-old Michael Boykins with acquaintance Dave Snyder was in actuality the first move in an intricate game of chess designed to secure Boykins a job at United.com. “So how you been, man? How’s work?” said the adroit student of Machiavelli, setting into motion a Byzantine scheme whose sole purpose was to place Boykins, ever so delicately, in a prime position to be hired at the Chicago-based airline’s web operations office. “Hey, let me get this round. You’re still at United, right?” At press time, Phase XVII of Boykins’ cunningly crafted offensive was running smoothly as he ordered another pitcher of Bud and segued seamlessly into chit-chat about Snyder’s golf game.
Man Who Willingly Rented 'Wrath Of The Titans' Feels His Intelligence Has Been Insulted #~# PORTLAND, OR—After willfully ignoring thousands of other options, reading a synopsis of the film’s plot, and making a conscious decision to pay $3.99 to rent it on iTunes, 32-year-old Ben Rickman announced Friday that the makers of Wrath Of The Titans had inflicted a grave insult upon his intelligence. “Do they think I’m some kind of idiot?” said Rickman, who confirmed that he had seen the movie’s trailer and read numerous dismissive reviews of it. “I guess the studio figured there’d be plenty of morons out there who’d cough up the dough to see this garbage. Unbelievable.” Rickman added that he has plans to swing by Taco Bell later to eat a 7-Layer Burrito, an item he will reportedly dismiss as “greasy” and “something that barely qualifies as food” before ordering a second one.
Obama Inaugurated #~# While Barack Obama officially took the presidential oath of office yesterday in a private ceremony, a public swearing in will occur on the Capitol steps today, followed by two inaugural balls and performances by the likes of Beyoncé and James Taylor. What do you think?
Jack Harbaugh Admits He's Pulling For Tom Brady To Win Fourth Super Bowl #~# MEQUON, WI—In anticipation of Sunday’s conference championship games, retired college coach Jack Harbaugh told reporters that he is rooting for Tom Brady to lead the New England Patriots to another Super Bowl victory, saying the veteran quarterback deserves a fourth ring. "Of everyone playing the game right now, Brady ought to to take home the big win, because he's a great guy, a great competitor, and it would be awesome to see him rack up another title while he's still got it," said the former Western Kentucky Hilltoppers head coach, father of three, who pointed to Matt Ryan of the Atlanta Falcons as the only other remaining quarterback who deserves to make the Super Bowl. "It would have been amazing to see another classic Brady-[Peyton] Manning AFC matchup, but now that the Broncos are out, I don't see who's going to stop the Patriots from going all the way. Anyone standing between them and that trophy better watch out." Harbaugh, who went on to praise the Patriots' Bill Belichick as "the best in the league" and "my kind of coach," expressed disappointment that the formidable gridiron tactician wouldn't face much in the way of competition en route to securing yet another championship.
NFC Championship Game (Falcons vs. 49ers) #~# The Falcons host the 49ers in the NFC Championship and are reminding players not to openly masturbate during the national anthem. Onion Sports looks at what each team must do to win.
AFC Championship Game (Patriots vs. Ravens) #~# The Ravens battle the Patriots in the AFC Championship game, which will be won or lost in the trenches that the Gillette Stadium grounds crew added to the field. Onion Sports looks at what each team must do to win.
Bowling! #~# Let’s go! Come on, it’ll be fun. Have you ever been to the Lucky Star Lanes? They turn on a bunch of neon lights and play disco music after 9! It’s just bowling, it won’t kill you. We never go out anymore.
Mothers Of NFL Players Concerned About Binge Drinking At Bottom Of Pile #~# CHICAGO—A coalition of concerned NFL mothers held a press conference Friday, expressing their fears about the growing risk of binge drinking that occurs beneath the pile of players attempting to gain control of the loose ball. “There gets to be so many of our boys in there you can’t even see what’s going on at the bottom, but believe me, we’ve all heard stories,” said Karen Reed, mother of Baltimore Ravens safety Ed Reed. “I just hate the fact that I know my son is down there all the time where I can’t look out for him. I worry about other players taking advantage of him down there, maybe pressuring him to drink or smoke where they think they can get away with it.” Several of the mothers also reported that after their sons exited the piles they often appeared woozy, delirious, or glazed—in some cases even vomiting at night—evidence the women cited as definitive proof that their offspring were drunk.
Bill Belichick Builds New Tight End From Mutilated Dog Parts #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a savage and gruesome turn of events, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly slaughtered a half-dozen dogs adopted from the humane society Friday, sewing together the dismembered body parts to construct a new, horrific tight end. “They were cute dogs at first, but then I figured out that if you rip them apart, they could be really useful,” said Belichick, watching the fur-covered abomination lumber across the field, producing the blood-curdling sound of splintering bone and ripping flesh with every step. “While tinkering around in my workshop, I started out stitching a few dog legs together, combining ribcages and whatnot, and soon I was reanimating the dead tissue with a portable generator. In almost no time at all, I had a viable red zone target.” Belichick confirmed that the grotesque tight end had a far better understanding of the offense and was considerably more intelligent than Rob Gronkowski.
In Stunning Change Of Character, Bill Belichick Adopts Half-Dozen Dogs From Humane Society #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a shocking reversal of behavior, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly adopted a half-dozen dogs from a local humane society Friday, saving the canines from euthanasia. “I just love these pooches,” said Belichick, smiling and chuckling as the six dogs licked at his face. “They’re so cute. I like to play with them in my backyard.” At press time, Belichick was reportedly promising each of the dogs a “very special treat.”
Feces Transplants Help Cure Diarrhea #~# A new study found that transplanting feces from a healthy person, typically a relative, into the colon of someone suffering diarrhea due to an infection of the Clostridium difficile bacteria proved markedly more effective at curing the ailment than antibiotics. What do you think?
I Just Want To Apologize To Manti Te'o For What I Put Him Through #~# Recent events have forced me to do a lot of deep and involved soul-searching. In a little over 24 hours, the nation has watched in bewilderment as the reputation of a wonderful man has been called into question. The worst part about this embarrassing scandal is that it has all been at the expense of a generous, kind, and, above all, trusting man named Manti Te’o, whose only crime was caring for me: an imaginary person who does not exist.
Wayne LaPierre Goes On Harpooning Spree To Prove Some Sort Of Point #~# FAIRFAX, VA—In what sources said was most likely an attempt to prove some kind of point about something, a harpoon-wielding Wayne LaPierre went on a vicious, indiscriminate skewering rampage through the greater Fairfax area this morning. “As you can see, the question of what object a mentally ill person uses to harm another human being is not the issue, but rather a distraction designed to curtail the American people’s constitutionally protected right to bear firearms,” said the National Rifle Association vice president as he stabbed an innocent bystander in the chest with an 8-foot whaling harpoon in order to, reportedly, illustrate a thesis of sorts. “A harpoon, much like a rifle, is a tool used primarily for hunting, and yet many of our nation’s lawmakers insist upon drawing a legal distinction between the two. You see the point I’m making here, yes?” At press time, police confirmed that LaPierre had been apprehended and taken into custody, with officials reporting that the gun advocate’s vicious 30-minute harpooning spree had thankfully left zero fatalities.
Nation Descends Into Utter Moral Chaos Following 'Dear Abby' Writer's Death #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Following the death of 94-year-old “Dear Abby” columnist Pauline Phillips, the nation reportedly plunged into complete and utter moral chaos today, with thousands of queries on everything from table manners to tricky ethical dilemmas piling up unanswered on the late writer’s desk. “I never realized how much I relied on her advice until this afternoon, when my fourth-grader came home with a bad report card and I didn’t know whether to call his teacher, request a face-to-face conference with her, or find her after school and murder her” said visibly confused “Dear Abby” reader Karen McCutcheon, 34, who along with millions of other Americans confirmed she now lacks the guidance necessary to know whether to get her boss a present for his birthday or set fire to his home while he’s sleeping. “I can’t ask Abby what to do about the dog next door who won’t stop barking and now I’m wondering: Should I kill him? Fuck him? Kill him first and then fuck him and eat him? I just don’t know anymore.” At press time, sources confirmed that in the absence of the tart-tongued columnist’s helpful advice, the disoriented nation had resorted to mass lootings, group suicides, and gang rape, sinking deeper and deeper into internecine tribal warfare.
FAA Grounds Problem-Prone Boeing Dreamliners #~# Following reports that Boeing 787 aircraft have suffered fuel leaks, battery fires, and a cracked windshield, the Federal Aviation Administration grounded all the Dreamliners in the U.S., and airlines around the world have followed suit. What do you think?
Uh-Oh, Photo Of Crying Woman On Cover Of National Newspaper #~# UNITED STATES—Uh-oh, according to alarmed sources across the nation, a picture of a crying woman appeared on the front page of a national newspaper this morning.
Depressed Nation Really Did Not Think It Would Take Them This Long To Get Over Death Of Jack Klugman #~# COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—More than three weeks after the beloved 90-year-old actor’s passing, the nation was surprised to find itself still mired in a deep depression over the loss of film and sitcom star Jack Klugman, millions of Americans reported Thursday. “I only watched The Odd Couple a few times on cable, and I guess I never realized how much Jack meant to me until he was gone,” said Iowa homemaker Beth Golding, who lay weeping and curled up on her couch, a scene that played itself out repeatedly across all 50 states. “It’s been almost a month now, and yet not a day goes by that I don’t think about how actor Jack Klugman was cruelly torn away from us. I can’t eat, sleep, or work without seeing his smiling face everywhere I look. Why the hell am I still taking this so hard?” At press time, the entire U.S. populace reportedly sighed and stared wistfully out the window.
Obama Pushing Broad Gun Control Measures #~# President Obama vowed yesterday to introduce legislation that would require background checks for all gun buyers, ban assault weapons, and limit magazines to 10 rounds, marking the most wide-reaching push for gun control in a generation. What do you think?
Impossible To Tell If Frazzled Woman In Walgreens Uniform Going To Or Coming From Work #~# NEW YORK—Local pedestrians told reporters Thursday morning they were unable to discern whether the agitated, uniform-clad woman smoking a cigarette on a city sidewalk was on her way to work at a nearby Walgreens or returning home from a night shift there. “Wow, she’s either just had a really shitty day at work at Walgreens or she knows one is coming,” office worker Kenneth Turner said moments after he passed the bleary-eyed, slump-shouldered woman on a street not far from the 24-hour drugstore. “She looks beaten down and is sighing heavily, but I can’t tell if that’s because she has just stood under fluorescent lights while being berated by angry customers for eight hours straight, or is about to.” At press time, witnesses confirmed the woman had uncontrollably burst into tears, a development that did nothing to shed any light on the situation.
Gary Kubiak Congratulates Houston Texans On Yet Another Houston Texans Season #~# HOUSTON—Following his team’s loss to the New England Patriots last weekend, Houston Texans coach Gary Kubiak reportedly gathered players and staff to congratulate them on engineering yet another Houston Texans season. “I know some of you are still disappointed, but no matter what, we can hold our heads high for putting together back-to-back Texans seasons,” said Kubiak, adding that after winning 11 of their first 13 games, the team’s ability to succumb to crucial injuries, totally lose momentum, and eventually bow out of the playoffs in the divisional round made it “one of the most Houston Texans seasons in franchise history.” “Things didn’t always go our way, and plenty of people doubted us, but we came together when it counted and finished with a classic Houston Texans run down the stretch. And I’m proud of each and every one of you for that.” According to team sources, Kubiak singled out quarterback Matt Schaub in particular for having the most Matt Schaub season of the nine-year veteran’s career.
On The Fake Dead Girlfriend Of Notre Dame Star Manti Te’o #~# Deadspin reported Wednesday that Lennay Kekua, the girlfriend of celebrated Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o who was said to have died of leukemia and inspired Te’o and the Irish during their 12-1 season, was fictional and part of an apparent hoax. What do you think?
College Freshman’s Roommate Has Had Excuse To Go Home Every Weekend Since August #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Citing various family emergencies, last-minute weddings, and impromptu hometown gatherings, the roommate of Indiana University freshman Lawrence Plotnick has had an excuse to go home every weekend this academic year, according to campus reports. “At first it was just run-of-the-mill stuff like wanting to go home to see a friend or a football game, but at this point he’s already headed back for nine birthday parties, three family reunions, and five fishing trips,” Plotnick said Tuesday of his fellow freshman, whom he has reportedly spoken with for no more than one cumulative hour since first meeting him in August. “And last weekend he went to his aunt and uncle’s anniversary. Do you really need to go home for something like that? Still, I feel sorry for a guy who’s had to attend funerals for three grandparents in the past month.” Sources said that while he had no pressing need to go home this coming weekend, Plotnick’s roommate had decided to make the trip anyway, explaining that it had been way too long since he’d seen his parents.
Osama Bin Laden Foundation Awards Fellowships To 20 Promising Young Terrorists #~# ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN—Representatives of the Osama bin Laden Foundation announced Tuesday the winners of the 2013 Mohamed Atta Fellowship, an annually awarded scholarship and stipend that is bestowed on the 20 “most exceptionally talented young terrorists” from around the world.
Coca-Cola Debuts Anti-Obesity Commercial #~# Coca-Cola debuted a two-minute TV commercial this week that highlights the company’s line of low-calorie beverages, touts its commitment to provide sugar-free drink options in schools, and encourages viewers to eat healthy and exercise to combat the nation’s obesity epidemic. What do you think?
Man Who Got Shit Together 5 Years Ago Still Viewed As Lovable Fuckup By Friends, Family #~# LINCOLN, NE—Though it has been at least five years since he outgrew the reckless behavior of his youth and finally got his life together, local man Josh Benton, 36, is still widely regarded by friends and family as an irresponsible yet endearing screwup, sources confirmed Wednesday.
I'm Sorry, But I've Had Just About Enough Of Me #~# I like to believe that I’m someone who always sees the best in people. Even if someone might rub me the wrong way at first, I try my hardest to give that person the benefit of the doubt. That being said, if I’m being completely honest, there is one person out there that I'm really at my wits’ end with. I’d even go as far as to say that I can’t stand to be around this guy anymore. I’m sorry, but I think I’ve had just about enough of me.
Four Homeless People Dead In What Girlfriend Refers To As 'Cuddle Weather' #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Police confirmed Wednesday that four homeless people have died in the midst of a recent onset of sub-freezing temperatures reportedly referred to by local man Joshua Crawford's girlfriend as "cuddle weather." "I love the cold weather because it gives you an excuse to just snuggle up with a blanket and watch a movie," Alyssa Shell, 29, said of the meteorological pattern that in the last week has caused the deaths of four unidentified derelicts who preliminary autopsies reveal perished of hypothermia resulting from prolonged exposure to the elements. "Some people don't like the cold, but you give me a crackling fire and a good book, and I'm set. Any season that gives me an excuse to just curl up on the couch and be cozy is fine by me!" At press time, a sudden onset of snow flurries that is expected to claim the lives of another 10 homeless men, women, and children had caused Shell to express her enthusiasm for going outside and making snow angels.
Facebook Introduces New Search Feature #~# Positioning itself as a potential rival to LinkedIn and online dating sites, Facebook introduced its new Graph Search yesterday, a feature that allows users to search people, pictures, and interests on the social network using a variety of filters. What do you think?
Internet Users Demand Less Interactivity #~# 'We Just Want To Visit Websites And Look At Them,' Users Say
Report: Most Small Businesses Fail In First 6 Hours Of Being On Fire #~# WASHINGTON—A new report from the U.S. Small Business Administration reveals that being consumed by flames poses an even greater risk to small companies than originally thought, typically causing ruinous insolvency within the first six hours of conflagration. “The data we’ve gathered reveals a consistent pattern of business failure shortly after the start of a fire, which can lead both to inventory problems and a difficulty attracting customers, who, quite frankly, do not wish to step into a retail location that is currently ablaze,” said SBA administrator Karen Mills, whose staff inspected dozens of flaming businesses in preparing the report. “For example, a small family-run electronics store in a downtown location with thick, choking smoke raging through its aisles is going to be hard-pressed to compete with the big box stores that have highly competitive prices and aren’t on fire.” The report noted that fires have less of an effect on Internet retailers, whose customers continue to shop online even as their houses burn down around them.
Clarence Thomas Breaks 7-Year Silence In Court #~# Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, who hadn’t said anything from the bench since February 2006, was recorded uttering the barely decipherable words “Well, he did not…” Monday, which was apparently part of a joke made at the expense of a lawyer. What do you think?
Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife #~# ‘It’s The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,’ Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson
Afghanistan War Veteran Solemnly Recalls Seeing Entire Platoon Killed By Undiagnosed PTSD #~# DUNN, NC—After being asked to speak about his experience fighting in the war in Afghanistan on Tuesday, U.S. Army veteran Jackson Richards solemnly recalled an episode when, during a five-year period immediately following his return to the United States, his whole platoon was murdered by undiagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder. “Right from the beginning, you could tell things were looking bad; it was clear some of us weren’t going to make it out alive,” said the 26-year-old lieutenant, his voice trembling as he described how each of his friends was psychologically tortured, shot, or hanged during the 264-week-long ordeal. “The worst was the constant sense of fear and dread, not knowing when the enemy was going to creep up and strike while your kids were at school.” Richards added that he is always happy to answer questions about the war, since he is constantly reliving his experiences over and over in his head.
Lance Armstrong Admits To Using Performance-Enhancing Drugs To Show Remorse #~# AUSTIN, TX—Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong kicked off a campaign to restore his image Monday by admitting in a television interview with Oprah Winfrey that he used a sophisticated cocktail of performance-enhancing drugs to evince remorse and shame. “To make the kind of heartfelt apology I am making now without the help of drugs would be impossible, and so when it came to convincing millions of people that I am a decent human being who is capable of actual regret, I needed an edge,” Armstrong reportedly says in the extensive television interview, which sources said the cyclist prepared for by injecting himself with stamina-supporting recombinant erythropoietin and methocarbamol, a muscle relaxant that helps to slacken the Depressor anguli oris, Corrugator supercilii and other facial muscles required to frown and cry. “Make no mistake, it still takes a lot of skill to do what I am doing right now. Saying sorry over and over, all the while maintaining a veneer of humility when you’re actually a self-righteous egomaniac? Drugs or no drugs, that’s impressive.” According to sources, Armstrong then looks directly into the camera with tear-filled eyes and says, “I am so, so sorry.”
Silvio Berlusconi Swears Dancer Was Of Legal Age When He Paid Her For Sex Using State Money #~# ROME—Facing widespread criticism over his alleged sexual relationship with an underaged exotic dancer during his tenure as prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi on Tuesday assured the people of Italy that the woman in question was of legal age when he paid her for sex using the nation’s money. "Let me swear to you that these brazenly misappropriated state funds went toward financing my long-running sexual liaison with a call girl who was of full legal age throughout our affair," the career politician and media tycoon told reporters, adding that the exotic dancer with whom he had intercourse dozens of times during his time in office was "at least" 18 years old when she received thousands of euros in jewelry and air travel courtesy of Italy's depleted treasury. "Despite what my critics say, this sexual relationship made possible through considerable taxpayer financing was something that occurred between two consenting adults. This has been the case with every single one of my government-subsidized affairs, and the people of Italy know that." Berlusconi, who was forced out of office in 2011 over concerns about his ability to resuscitate Italy's stagnant economy amid a litany of embarrassing sex scandals, is expected to be fully forgiven by the Italian citizenry.
SPONSORED: The Taliban Is A Vibrant And Thriving Political Movement #~# KABUL—2012 proved to be just another in a succession of landmark years for the Taliban, as the influential Islamic fundamentalist organization continued its awe-inspiring push toward unprecedented expansion.
New York Passes Gun Control Bill #~# New York state lawmakers passed a bill today tightening restrictions on the sale of assault weapons, forcing current owners of such guns to register them with the state, and limiting the ability of the mentally ill to obtain firearms, making the state’s gun laws the most restrictive in the nation. What do you think?
Golden Tate Claims He Caught Final Hail Mary In Falcons Game #~# ATLANTA—Following the Seahawks' playoff loss to the Falcons, Seattle wide receiver Golden Tate reportedly insisted Sunday that he caught Russell Wilson’s 48-yard desperation pass as time expired, claiming that the play should have been ruled a touchdown. “I had possession at the end. I absolutely did. I got in there under Julio Jones, I fought for the ball the whole way, and I came down with it,” said Tate, adding that after briefly conferring at the back of the end zone, the referees “made the wrong call.” “It’s hard to tell because there’s no perfect camera angle on the replay, but if you were there and you saw it up close, I clearly caught that ball. It was a legal catch.” Pressed for further explanation, Tate claimed that while the pass was in the air, he slid inside Julio Jones’s jersey, controlled the ball with two feet down, and then slid back out.
Land Land #~# Come explore the world’s only theme park dedicated to fun with land! Ride the Topsoil Coaster, make your own map, and learn how many pounds of seed you’ll need per acre! And don’t forget to try the Tilt-a-Dirt!
Python Hunting Contest Opens In Everglades #~# In an effort to control the Everglades’ population of invasive Burmese Pythons, which can grow to 20 feet long, Florida officials opened a month-long hunting contest in which professional and amateur snake hunters will compete for cash prizes based on the number of snakes they kill. What do you think?
Woman Who Admits To Having Watched Golden Globes Thinks Jodie Foster Embarrassed Herself #~# OSSINING, NY—After actually admitting to other human beings that she spent the previous night watching the entirety of the Golden Globe Awards on television, local accounting manager Sophie Rhodes announced on Monday that actress Jodie Foster had embarrassed herself. “I love Jodie Foster, but to be honest, her Lifetime Achievement speech was pretty painful to watch,” Rhodes declared before offering, without any apparent shame, her opinions on the night’s hottest red carpet looks, nominees in the Best Actress in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television category, and other aspects of the three-hour-long ceremony hosted by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. “It’s hard to believe she got up there in front of all those people and rambled on like that. It’s like she had no awareness of how she was coming off at all.” After explaining that she “expected a little more taste and class” from Jodie Foster, Rhodes told reporters she was glad a number of commenters on TMZ.com agreed with her assessment.
Panicking Flu Swears It Didn’t Mean To Kill Old Lady #~# ROCKVILLE, MD—A visibly emotional, panic-stricken sub-strain of the H1N1 influenza A virus expressed deep shock and regret this morning, telling reporters it never meant to claim the life of 85-year-old local Iris Landow. “I swear to you, my only intention was to lay her out for a few days. I didn’t think she was just suddenly going to fucking die like that—oh God, oh God,” reported the hysterical flu subtype as emergency medical technicians loaded its septuagenarian victim into a body bag. “Honestly, I’ve infected hundreds of people before and this has never happened. You have to believe me. I mean, shit, how was I supposed to know she had asthma?” At press time, the traumatized virus had expressed a desire to do “some soul-searching” and lay low for a while in the body of local immunocompromised six-year-old Jordy Weinbaum.
Really Hip 90-Year-Old Figures He Has Every Right To Torrent Glenn Miller's 'In The Mood' #~# CORAL GABLES, FL—Noting that he had already purchased the song for his wind-up Victrola seven decades ago, extremely hip 90-year-old Emmet McInerny insisted Monday that he had every right to download  a recording of Glenn Miller’s “In The Mood” for free using a BitTorrent client. “Hell, the Miller estate’s gotten enough money out of me,” the tech-savvy nonagenarian stated as the download bar for the 1939 big-band staple passed 70 percent. “And I sure as hell don’t feel like lining the pockets of the bigwigs at RCA. I know it’s not their fault I lost my old 78 of the song when I moved houses back in 1965, but fuck it.” Since he was online anyway, McInerny then proceeded to torrent "Mairzy Doats" by the Merry Macs.
'Argo' Wins Best Picture At Golden Globes #~# The political thriller Argo, directed by Ben Affleck and based on a chapter in the 1979 Iran hostage crisis, took home the Golden Globe for the best dramatic film last night. What do you think?
Adrian Peterson Re-Tears ACL In Preparation For 2013 Season #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Hoping to improve upon the remarkable feat of rushing for the second most yards in NFL history a year after tearing his ACL in the final week of 2011, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson announced Sunday that he has intentionally torn his ACL again and will undergo reconstructive knee surgery later this week. “It worked last year on the left knee, so I’m trying the other one this year,” said Peterson, whose intense dedication to offseason recovery has earned him the reputation of “rehab rat” among his teammates. “It’s hard to get over that playoff loss, but immediately after, I got right back to work and tore my ACL. If I was just eight yards short of the record last year, I’m thinking that rupturing my LCL and PCL this offseason should put me over the top.” Peterson, who confirmed that he had found the best postseason regimen to stay on top of his game, announced plans for a new football camp where the Pro Bowl running back will show young players the best way to damage their knees by hacking away at their ligaments with scissors.
I-95 Diagnosed With Highway Cancer #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Road oncologists at Yale-New Haven Hospital held a press conference Tuesday to announce that Interstate 95, the main conduit running along the country’s Eastern Seaboard, had begun treatment for stage III highway cancer, an advanced and often terminal form of the disease.
Options For Solving The Debt-Ceiling Crisis #~# A number of pundits have suggested the U.S. Treasury mint $1 trillion coins made of platinum to pay the country’s bills. Here are some other ideas the government is considering to solve its debt-ceiling crisis:
Diet Soda Linked To Depression #~# A new study has found a link between clinical depression and the frequent consumption of sweetened fruit drinks, soft drinks, and iced tea, with diet products in particular being associated with higher incidences of the mood disorder. What do you think?
Noogies Around The World #~# National Geographic
Procrastinating Surgeon Putting Off Coronary Bypass By Cleaning Entire Hospital #~# NEW YORK—Sources at Columbia University Medical Center reported Sunday that cardiac surgeon Dr. Robert Klinge, 44, was putting off an impending coronary bypass procedure by cleaning the entire hospital. “I know that guy’s arteries are a mess, but so are the linens in the pediatric ward,” Klinge said following a morning of procrastination in which he had vacuumed the ER, taken out the hospital’s recycling, and sorted multiple trays of scalpels, adjusting the implements carefully until they were lined up perfectly parallel. “If I don’t clean this stuff now, I’ll spend the whole surgery focusing on how the floor could use mopping and the cafeteria windows need to be washed. Besides, I can always get up really early tomorrow and do the bypass then.” At press time, Klinge was reportedly applying a fresh coat of paint to the hospital’s loading dock and did not hear the intercom call indicating a “code blue” in the cardiac wing.
Report: 96% Of Nation's Smut Consumed By Filthiest 1% #~# VAN NUYS, CA—A study released this week by the San Fernando Valley Institute for Adults-Only Research indicates that a staggering 96 percent of U.S. pornography is consumed by the filthiest 1 percent of the population. “Of all the pornography watched everywhere in the world, the vast majority is consumed by this elite group of ‘super-perverts,’” the study read in part. “The most disturbing aspect of these findings is that everybody in the top 1 percent thinks that everyone else is looking at porn too, and that this is somehow ‘normal,’ but in fact the individuals who think this are small in number and simply the nastiest, dirtiest masturbating freaks out there.” The report concluded that the filthiest 1 percent should feel deep shame for being such incredibly disgusting deviants.
Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again #~# LINCOLN, NE—All across the nation Friday, U.S. residents turning in for the night said they were eager to fall asleep, as they simply could not wait to wake up the following morning and once more have the opportunity to consume food. “Oh, man, as soon as that sun rises, I’m going to get up, head to the kitchen, and get right back to eating,” said local resident Ted Wallace, 49, grinning excitedly as he set his alarm for Saturday morning. “I felt bad after I finished that last late-night snack, because I knew I had a full eight-hour window of non-eating ahead of me. But once I wake up it’s going to be great! My only regret is that I can’t eat while I’m sleeping.” At press time, sources confirmed the American populace had awakened, sat bolt upright in bed, and announced, “It’s eatin’ time!”
Packers vs. Niners #~# The Packers battle the 49ers in the NFC divisional playoff game for a rematch of every single time these two teams have met. 
Ravens-Broncos Matchup Rekindles Smoldering Resentment From Baltimore-Denver War Of 1877 #~# DENVER—As the Ravens prepare to face the Broncos in Sunday’s AFC divisional playoff game, reports from both cities confirmed Friday that the matchup has rekindled much of the underlying animosity still simmering from the infamous Baltimore-Denver War Of 1877.
Denzel Washington #~# Even though he probably won’t win Best Actor, Denzel Washington is planning to attend the Oscars all the same.
Area Woman Decides Not To Post Facebook Status That Would Have Tipped Gun Control Debate #~# AURORA, IL—The contentious debate on gun control will continue unresolved after local woman Theresa Delacroix opted Friday not to post an anti-gun message on Facebook, an opinion experts agreed would have tipped the scales toward a sweeping overhaul of the nation’s firearm laws. “There’s already so much chatter about the gun issue floating around on the Internet, I really didn’t see the point of throwing my two cents into the mix,” said Delacroix, 29, whose unposted status update “No more Newtowns—the time has come for action” would have completely swayed the tide of public opinion, pushing the government to end the gun-show loophole and adopt a permanent ban on assault weapons. “Some of my friends are pro-gun, and I didn’t want to stir things up. Besides, it probably wouldn’t have done much good anyway.” Had Delacroix voiced her opinion, experts said it could have been as powerful as an Atlanta man’s 2007 decision to affix a “U.S. Out of Iraq Now!” bumper sticker to his car, a move that set off a chain of events culminating in the military's withdrawal of all combat troops from the war zone.
Worst Flu Season In A Decade #~# With cities reporting as many as 10 times the number of cases as last year and a dwindling number of hospital beds, authorities have warned that this year’s flu season will be the worst in a decade, and that it has yet to reach its peak. What do you think?
NRA Sends Complimentary Bereavement Gun Baskets To Families Of Shooting Victims #~# NEWTOWN, CT—As the nation continues to mourn the women and children who lost their lives in last month’s shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, the National Rifle Association has reportedly joined the outpouring of support for families of victims by sending each household a bereavement gun basket. “On behalf of everyone here at the NRA, we extend our deepest sympathies to your family during this difficult time, and hope you enjoy this complimentary assortment of the finest semi-automatic weapons and ammunition,” read the note accompanying each wicker basket, which included a variety of magazine cartridges, shooting range memberships, dried fruits, and high-powered firearms. “If there is any other ammunition or handgun accessory we can send to you, please let us know. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.” Sources said the NRA has also offered to match any assault rifle purchase in the Newtown, CT area.
Applebee's To Offer Divorced-Father-And-Child Specials Every Other Weekend #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Applebee’s announced Friday that all 2,000 of its locations will soon offer a menu of every-other-weekend specials created especially for divorced fathers and their children. “These delicious meal options are perfect when you’re coming back with your kid from a movie or minor-league baseball game, or just feel like the two of you need to get out of your apartment for a little while,” Applebee’s president Mike Archer said of the new specials, which follow last year’s successful introduction of the restaurant’s Broken-Home-Style Burger deals for parents who have recently told their children they’re getting divorced. “Whether you’d like a quesadilla appetizer that sets just the right mood for asking questions about the past two weeks of school, or want to discuss your ex-wife’s current boyfriend over our famous Brownie Bite dessert, we’ve got something for every father and the child he sees twice a month.” Archer added that for a limited time, the specials will also include a coupon redeemable for a well drink after the father has dropped the kid off Sunday night and returned to sit at the bar alone.
Mythbusters #~# Discovery
Investigation Finds Appalling Conditions In ‘Cosmopolitan’ Magazine Male-Pleasure Laboratory #~# NEW YORK—According to law enforcement officials, an FBI raid on Thursday uncovered appallingly inhumane conditions in Cosmopolitan magazine’s male-pleasure laboratory, where numerous male test subjects have allegedly suffered extensive long-term abuse at the hands of female scientists.
'Lincoln' Leads With 12 Oscar Nominations #~# The Steven Spielberg film Lincoln led the pack this year with 12 Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Actor for Daniel Day-Lewis. What do you think?
Joe Flacco Already Preparing Apology To Ray Lewis For Disappointing End To Career #~# BALTIMORE—In preparation for the highly anticipated AFC playoff game with the Denver Broncos, Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco announced Thursday that he is already working on an apology that will express heartfelt regret for the ignoble ending to retiring linebacker Ray Lewis’s career. “I’ve been plugging away on a couple of drafts this week, but I definitely want to focus on what a great teammate Ray has been and how bad I feel that he’s going out like this,” said Flacco, adding that Lewis “deserves better” than to force and recover a critical fourth-quarter Denver fumble only to watch helplessly from the sidelines as Flacco throws a pick-six interception on the following play, bringing the future Hall of Famer’s 17-year NFL career to a discouraging close. “Once I’ve got it all worked out, I’m thinking I’ll apologize before kickoff, because he definitely won’t want to hear from me after all those muffed snaps.” According to team sources, Flacco’s apology to Lewis is just one of many being contemplated by the quarterback, who is reportedly working on separate offerings of remorse to teammates, coaches, and Ravens ownership for Saturday’s loss, as well as to the city of Baltimore for the six-year contract extension he will receive this offseason.
Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack #~# SAN DIEGO—Following the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland gorilla ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after escaping from the San Diego Zoo, sources across the country confirmed Thursday that national gorilla sales have since skyrocketed.
White House, NRA Meet To Discuss Guns #~# A White House task force headed by Vice President Joe Biden is meeting today with a top representative of the National Rifle Association to discuss policies aimed at reducing gun violence. What do you think?
Overweight 6-Year-Old Vows To Change Lifestyle After Second Heart Attack #~# HOUSTON—Describing his second heart failure in the span of two years as “a real wake up call,” obese 6-year-old Nicholas Bleyer announced Tuesday that he was finally trying to turn his life around.
Bradley Cooper Racks Up Staggering One Oscar Nominations #~# HOLLYWOOD—The race toward the 85th Academy Awards heated up today as Silver Linings Playbook star Bradley Cooper racked up an astonishing one Oscar nominations. “Lincoln and Life Of Pi both had a great day, for sure, but I think the real news story here was Bradley Cooper, who walked away with a massive one nominations,” said E! News correspondent Rachel Whitaker, adding that while the 38-year-old actor had been expected to get somewhere around zero nominations, most were stunned to see the star tally a stunning grand total of one. “This huge haul absolutely demolishes Cooper’s previous personal best of no nominations in 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, and 2004.” Cooper’s big morning comes on the heels of the actor announcing he would be starring in the upcoming half-film, The Hangover Part III.
Ben Affleck Nominated For Best Friend Of Matt Damon #~# LOS ANGELES—Film actor and director Ben Affleck was recognized today for his work as an outstanding bud with a nomination for Best Friend of Matt Damon. “I am deeply honored to be nominated for this prestigious award, as I have worked hard to hone my craft as Matt Damon’s friend for over 32 years,” said the 40-year-old Argo star of the nomination, after expressing gratitude that his spouse, actress Jennifer Garner, will be the recipient of this year’s Lifetime Wife of Ben Affleck Award. “I think a win has to be considered something of a long shot, but I already won this award back in ’97, so it’s really just nice to be recognized this time out.” At press time, Hollywood insiders reported Affleck is expected to lose the Best Friend of Matt Damon award to actor John Krasinski.
Air Force One Pilot Invites Excited Obama Into Cockpit #~# WASHINGTON—According to White House officials, Air Force One pilot Col. Scott Turner invited an excited President Obama into the cockpit Thursday, allowing the head of state to increase the throttle and place his hands on the custom-built 747’s steering panel. “Hey, there, little buddy, you want to be my copilot?” Turner was overheard asking the president, who reportedly beamed as the captain’s hat was placed on his head, a set of wings was pinned to his suit lapel, and he was informed that the plane was traveling 600 mph faster than a car. “No! Don’t press that! Just kidding, you can press it. Want to talk to the control tower?” Later, after a shy Obama posed for a picture with Turner, the pilot confirmed he did not vote for the president in November because he is staunchly opposed to the majority of his political and personal beliefs and feels he let the country down in Iraq.
Kent Sulak #~# Kent Sulak, 47, tethered a large wooden paddle to the men’s room key so no one would walk off with it again.
New Cars Unveiled At Detroit Auto Show #~# Opening next week in Detroit, the annual North American International Auto Show will once again introduce the world to a variety of new cars. Here are some of the models that will be showcased at this year’s expo: 
Man Has Alarming Level Of Pride In Institution That Left Him $50,000 In Debt, Inadequately Prepared For Job Market #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Calling his college experience “the greatest four years of [his] life,” 27-year-old University of Miami alumnus Mark Felder maintains a startling level of pride in his alma mater, a private academic institution that left him $50,000 in debt and completely unprepared for the current job market, sources confirmed Tuesday.
AIG Nearly Blows All The Goodwill Built Up By Wall Street In Recent Years #~# NEW YORK—Wall Street narrowly dodged a devastating blow to its reputation Wednesday as insurance giant American International Group seriously considered suing the federal government over the terms of its 2008 bailout, a move that experts agreed would have destroyed the tremendous amount of trust and affection the U.S. populace currently feels toward big banks.
2012 Was Once Considered Hottest Year On Record, Man In 2024 Remembers Wistfully #~# NEW WASHINGTON—Marveling at how dire things seemed in the relatively stable days of 12 years ago, Alan Gibson, 41, a local man of the year 2024, wistfully recounted on Wednesday the then-record temperatures recorded in the United States in 2012.  "To think that we were concerned about a 55.3-degree average is almost comical, but then, I guess at that point we must have still had some kind of perceivable ozone layer," Gibson said fondly while reapplying the full-body coat of UV-resistant resin he and his fellow citizens of the 43 contiguous United States wear at all times. "Today, you wouldn't think twice about a 96-degree day in the middle of February, but a mere decade ago you would look up at the skies waiting for snow. Christ, those were the days, man." Gibson then recounted at length to reporters the story of how he and his family narrowly escaped the Eastern Seaboard during the abrupt and tragic events of March 2019.
2012 Hottest Year Ever In U.S. #~# The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed that 2012 was the hottest year ever recorded in the nation’s lower 48 states, a full degree Fahrenheit warmer than the previous high, set in 1998, and 3.3 degrees above the 20th-century average. What do you think?
Career Spider Not Sure She's Ready For 3,000 Children At This Point #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Thryssskmsss, a 2-year-old barn funnel weaver spider, confided to friends Wednesday that she isn’t sure she’s ready for 3,000 children at this point in her life. “There’s so much I want to do—explore the world’s dark cracks, visit the drainpipes, see what it’s like to eat a dragonfly—but I can’t do those things if I’ve got several hundred spiderlings clinging to every leg,” the spider said from the eaves of her Columbus home. “If I had 3,000 hungry mandibles to feed, I’d be in the web catching flies all day, and that’s just not where I’m at right now.” Thryssskmsss added that she expects one day she’ll be ready to settle down and find a nice male to mate with and then devour.
Ask A Closeted Homosexual Riverboat Captain #~# Dear Closeted Homosexual Riverboat Captain,
Parents Television Council Comedy Hour #~# ABC Family
Elliott Tapparo #~# Elliott Tapparo didn’t get into a fight at Riley’s Tavern last night, even though he really could have used the attention.
Milky Way May Contain 17 Billion Earth-Size Planets #~# Using data from NASA’s Kepler spacecraft, two independent teams of astronomers have estimated that the Milky Way galaxy contains some 17 billion planets that are similar in size to Earth. What do you think?
Taylor Swift Now Dating James Holmes #~# CENTENNIAL, CO—Following her split this week with One Direction singer Harry Styles, sources confirmed today that Taylor Swift has moved on and is now dating mass murder suspect James Holmes. “Taylor and James were first spotted canoodling at a pre-trial hearing, and we were able to confirm today that the two are indeed an item,” gossip blogger Perez Hilton wrote of the relationship between the 23-year-old singer-songwriter and the 25-year-old accused Aurora theater gunman, nicknaming the couple “Swolmes.” “Just this morning, fans took several photos of the lovebirds leaving the Centennial courthouse hand in hand. They’re actually really cute together.” At press time, sources reported seeing the couple heading back to Holmes’ prison cell at Arapahoe County Jail.
David Bowie Releases First New Music In 10 Years #~# In a surprise online release on his 66th birthday, innovative British musician David Bowie made public his first new song in almost a decade today, a track titled “Where Are We Now?” that will be featured on his forthcoming studio album The Next Day. What do you think?
RGIII To Have More Tests Done On Thing That Used To Be Knee #~# ASHBURN, VA—Redskins coach Mike Shanahan announced Tuesday that quarterback Robert Griffin III will undergo further medical tests assessing the condition of the unrecognizable, ragged mess that was once the rookie’s right knee. “We’re not sure of the exact situation with Robert’s bloody, distended bulge around what formerly resembled a working joint,” said Shanahan, who explained that when he elected to play Griffin against the Seahawks, some cartilage was still connected to the bone, enabling the star quarterback to run and remain upright without hurting himself. “Doctors will continue to examine the useless, visibly throbbing tangle of tattered ligaments until they are confident about what to do next.” Shanahan added that regardless of the test results, he would instruct Griffin to continue running intensive speed and agility drills throughout the offseason.
Israel Vows To Use Veto Power If Chuck Hagel Confirmed As U.S. Secretary Of Defense #~# JERUSALEM—Top-ranking government officials in Jerusalem confirmed Tuesday that Israel would exercise its longstanding, constitutionally granted veto power over American policy if U.S. lawmakers confirmed retired congressman Chuck Hagel as the United States’ next Secretary of Defense. “In light of Mr. Hagel’s worrying remarks on Israeli-Palestinian relations and questionable classification of Israeli interests as ‘the Jewish lobby,’ we consider him a highly inappropriate choice for Defense Secretary who stands far out of line with our national priorities, and therefore we are prepared to swiftly and resolutely use our official veto power over this U.S. action,” said Israeli government spokesperson Mark Regev of the legal maneuver that the small Middle Eastern nation has employed to block U.S. Cabinet nominees, U.S. legislation, U.S. international relations, and U.S. domestic policy over 1,400 times in its 64-year history. “Because congress does not possess the necessary nine-tenths majority to override an Israeli veto, they’ll have no choice but to head back to the drawing board and provide a Defense Secretary whom we find more suitable.” Sources confirmed that Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu had sent the White House a list of three individuals the Israeli leader considered appropriate to head the American military from which U.S. President Barack Obama could choose.
On Alabama Winning Its Third BCS Championship In Four Years #~# Alabama routed Notre Dame 42-14 to win the BCS championship Monday night, giving Nick Saban’s Crimson Tide its second straight national title and third in four years. What do you think?
Mother Who Forgot To Pay 29-Year-Old Son’s Phone Bill Reminded To Really Be Careful About That #~# BROOKLYN, NY—After discovering his mother had failed to pay his phone bill from last month, local resident Cormac Flannigan, 29, reminded her Tuesday to “try to be more careful” and “make a point of remembering to do that going forward,” family sources confirmed. “I need my phone, I use it all the time, and I don’t want to keep getting these annoying messages saying you haven’t paid the bill yet,” said Flannigan, speaking into the third iPhone his mother has purchased for him in the past five years. “I’m not mad, Mom, but you need to stay on top of this, okay? I don’t want to have to remind you every month.” Sources added that Flannigan, who is employed and has not lived with his parents for six years, also told his mother for the fourth time that she needs to upgrade his data plan.
31-Year-Old Now The Only One Of His Friends Who Hasn't Gotten Married, Divorced #~# AUSTIN, TX—Describing himself as a complete anomaly within his peer group, local 31-year-old Drew Winberg confirmed Tuesday that he is the only one of his friends who has yet to get married and divorced. “Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to find that special person I can fall in love with, pledge my life to, grow apart from, and then break up with before engaging in a bitter and costly legal battle,” said Winberg, lamenting his perpetual role as the token single guy celebrating friends’ over-the-top weddings and then supporting them through their messy divorces. “It seems as though everyone I know is delving back into the dating scene with this new lease on life, and here I am the odd man out.” Winberg consoled himself with the thought that if he married soon, he could still get divorced and find a new girlfriend in time to take her to his friends’ second marriages.
NASA Selling Space Shuttle Facilities #~# Following the termination of its space shuttle program, NASA is seeking to sell or lease many of its facilities in Cape Canaveral, FL, including hangars, a nearly three-mile landing strip, and the shuttle launchpad. What do you think?
The View #~# ABC
Frustrated Wayne LaPierre Thought Murder Of 20 Children By Crazed Gunman Would Have Blown Over By Now #~# FAIRFAX, VA—More than three weeks after the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, annoyed NRA president Wayne LaPierre told reporters Monday that while he understands the seriousness of the tragedy, he had only assumed the senseless murder of 20 first-graders and six educators by a mentally unstable gunman would have blown over by now.
Man Returns To Work After Vacation With Fresh, Reenergized Hatred For Job #~# EUGENE, OR—Arriving back at work after a two-week winter vacation, local marketing assistant Matthew Bueso told reporters Monday he was happy to return to the office with a fresh and rejuvenated loathing for his job. “It’s always nice to get away for a few weeks, clear my head, and come back invigorated with a newfound disgust for my place of employment and the various responsibilities of my thoroughly depressing job,” said Bueso, 38, noting that his time away had inspired him to complete mind-numbing administrative tasks, engage in idle discussions with his aggravating coworkers, and listen to bullshit inspirational speeches from his boss with a rekindled sense of anger and despair. “I’m rested, my batteries are recharged, and I’m ready to despise my entire professional life more intensely than ever before!” At press time, a revitalized Bueso was furiously balling his fists at the sound of a nearby coworker’s loud typing.
'Downton Abbey' Returns To U.S. TV #~# The third season of the popular British period drama Downton Abbey made its U.S. premiere last night on PBS, prompting many fans to throw early-1900s-themed viewing parties. What do you think?
Army Commander Depressed After Reading Facebook Comments On Latest Raid #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Checking the Defense Department’s official Facebook page Monday to browse updates and comments from users, U.S. Army Col. Peter R. Maloney Jr. reportedly grew depressed as he read the feedback on his infantry brigade’s latest raid. “They’re calling my whole anti-insurgency mission in Helmand province ‘amateurish’ and ‘unoriginal’?” said the despondent officer, who admitted he was disappointed the Pentagon’s post on the raid had received only 84 likes. “Wow, they did not like this one. Clearly the bigger picture in this whole thing went way over their heads. Just goes to show that we’re waging war for the lowest common denominator over here.” At press time, sources confirmed Maloney had begun insisting the raid was “total click bait” and asked his brigade’s social media manager to re-promote it on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest later in the day.
4 Copy Editors Killed In Ongoing AP Style, Chicago Manual Gang Violence #~# NEW YORK—Law enforcement officials confirmed Friday that four more copy editors were killed this week amid ongoing violence between two rival gangs divided by their loyalties to the The Associated Press Stylebook and The Chicago Manual Of Style. “At this time we have reason to believe the killings were gang-related and carried out by adherents of both the AP and Chicago styles, part of a vicious, bloody feud to establish control over the grammar and usage guidelines governing American English,” said FBI spokesman Paul Holstein, showing reporters graffiti tags in which the word “anti-social” had been corrected to read “antisocial.” “The deadly territory dispute between these two organizations, as well as the notorious MLA Handbook gang, has claimed the lives of more than 63 publishing professionals this year alone.” Officials also stated that an innocent 35-year-old passerby who found himself caught up in a long-winded dispute over use of the serial, or Oxford, comma had died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
Ornithologist Forced To Participate In History Channel's 'What If Humans Suddenly Became Birds?' Program #~# ITHACA, NY—Saying that when it came down to it he really didn’t have any other choice, respected ornithologist Ethan R. Lewis confirmed Monday that he had agreed to participate in the upcoming History Channel program What If Humans Suddenly Became Birds? “Let’s face it, there aren’t a ton of bird gigs out there, and this one actually pays pretty well, so eventually I called and told them, ‘Sure, I’ll be on your show,’” said Lewis, an assistant director at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology, who reportedly spent 25 minutes explaining to a History Channel producer that humans could not actually become birds. “What else am I going to do? It’s not like you get rich from studying birds. Anyway, all I have to do is say something about how, if they were birds, humans would have to chew on little bits of gravel in order to digest their food.” At press time, Lewis was looking into a camera and stating that in order for humans to fly, each of their arms would have to be the size of a Harley-Davidson.
Neighborhood Flocks To Coffee Shop Bulletin Board To Read About Fun Upcoming Events #~# LAWRENCE, KS—A nearly uncontrollable excitement once again gripped residents of this small Midwestern city Thursday as they flocked in droves to see local coffee shop Perk Up’s weekly bulletin-board posting of upcoming events and neighborhood news, sources confirmed.
Walgreens Manager Certain Dead Father Would Have Been Proud Of Crest Toothpaste Display #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Saying his late father must be looking down at him and smiling, local Walgreens manager Lawrence Trow stated Wednesday that “Dad would be proud” of the eye-catching endcap display his son had arranged to call attention to the store’s offering of Crest toothpaste. “I really wish my dad were alive to see this,” the misty-eyed 42-year-old said as he adjusted the topmost box in a tall stack of alternating Crest Pro-Health and Crest Tartar Protection tubes. “He worked hard his whole life, and he always enjoyed seeing a job well done, you know? Ah, well. This one’s for you, Dad.” On the other hand, Trow added, he should perhaps be thankful his father never lived to see the hasty, shoddy work his son put into the Herbal Essences window display, which is total shit.
Pet Dog Almost Like Disgusting Family Member #~# JACKSON, MS—Sources within the Tibbett household told reporters Thursday that their pet dog, Digby, is so much a part of their lives that they treat him like a filthy, foul-smelling member of the family. “We include him in everything we do, so it’s like he’s a nasty, disgusting-mannered one of us,” said Brenda Tibbett, 38, adding that she thinks of the 8-year-old sheepdog as her “other, extremely repellent child.” “I guess over the years he’s become a urine-soaked addition to the Tibbett clan, and now he’s just like any other family member who chews on his genitals and anus when company’s over.” At press time, the family had reportedly decided to go out for ice cream, bringing along the Tibbett who would be just as happy to tear up the furniture or eat his own shit.
Everyone At Office Planning Shooting Spree For Same Day #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Unbeknownst to one another, every single member of the office staff at Kelleher Advertising Associates is planning to carry out a workplace shooting spree next Monday, reporters learned this week.
Fugitive Doctor Accuses Devlin MacGregor Of Fraud #~# ‘You Switched The Samples After Lentz Died,’ On-The-Loose Physician Says During Medical Conference
Foster Mom Doesn't Pick Least Favorites #~# SEATTLE—Foster mom Ellen Kovach told reporters Thursday she doesn’t play least favorites, claiming that each of the minors placed in her home is provided with an equal amount of deep, seething animosity.
Partially Faded Hand Stamp Undermining Everything Prosecutor Says #~# DALLAS—Members of the jury convened for the case of Texas v. Guillermo admitted Friday they were distracted from the closing arguments of Dallas assistant district attorney Paul Hagsbury after noticing a faded bar stamp on the back of his left hand. “He was saying something about evidence definitively linking the defendant to drug trafficking, but every time he made a hand gesture, all I could do was look at that ink stamp,” said juror Margaret Sanders, adding that she could have sworn she saw Hagsbury idly brushing glitter out of his hair on his way into the court room. “The logo looks really familiar. It’s definitely from someplace I’ve been before. Maybe it’s Lucky Mabel’s? I think they have Mega Mug-a-Rita Night on Thursdays over there.” That afternoon, sequestered and attempting to reach a verdict, the jurors reportedly spent nearly an hour in deliberations over whether the prosecutor was in fact wearing the same suit he had on the day before.
Asshole From Plane Greeted At Baggage Claim By Whole Family #~# ATLANTA—Following their arrival at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson airport Friday, passengers from flight 3852 confirmed that the loud, obnoxious prick who had been seated in row 12 was warmly greeted and embraced by his whole family at the terminal’s baggage claim. “That guy wouldn’t shut up about how slow the drink service was, and he spent the whole flight sticking his elbows and legs out into the aisle and over into the seat next to him,” said fellow passenger Carla Moreau, who noted that, after exiting the gate area, two elementary-school-age girls cried out “Daddy” and ran to hug the man who had pressed the overhead flight attendant call button several times in rapid succession shortly after takeoff to demand a gin and tonic. “Before we even got on the plane, he was pushing past people in line at the gate. And he had to be tapped on the shoulder about five or six times before he moved his seat-back up for landing, and when he finally did, he sighed loud enough for everyone to hear. God, what a dick. Cute family, though.” At press time, the obnoxious asshole and his entire asshole family were refusing to move out of the way of those attempting to retrieve their luggage from the baggage carousel.
Mentally Ill Man Not In Mood To Gun Down Strangers, But Glad To Know That Option There If Needed #~# CLEVELAND—Saying that while he “wasn’t really in the mood” to gun down a group of random strangers at the moment, mentally ill man Waylon Birch told reporters this afternoon that he was, however, happy to know the option was available to him should the urge occur. “Honestly, I’m just not feeling up to running into some public area and massacring dozens of innocent people with an assault weapon right now, but it’s nice that the option is technically always there for me in case I change my mind,” said the psychotic and unhinged Birch, who takes comfort knowing he could always take some time out of his day to make a legal purchase of a semi-automatic rifle at a local gun store and then make his way to the nearest shopping mall, office, or school and murder as many people as he’d like. “I may not want to now, per se, but if I suddenly get the urge later today to go to the park and start shooting everyone there, that would be quite easy for me to do given our current laws. It’s just nice to have options, you know?” At press time, Birch told reporters that all this gun talk was actually starting to get him in the mood to visit a nearby gun store.
Pope Benedict Stops By Prayer Writers' Room To Say Goodbye #~# VATICAN CITY—Making the rounds at Vatican City Thursday as he said a final goodbye to colleagues on his last day as pontiff, Pope Benedict XVI reportedly took a few moments in the early afternoon to stop by the prayer writers’ room and wish his team of ecclesiastical writers a fond farewell.
Being Pope Was Great, But You Can’t Play Make-Believe Forever #~# For the past eight years, it has been my distinct pleasure to serve as head of the Roman Catholic Church. Spreading the message of the Bible around the world and sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ is an experience I wouldn’t trade for anything. Honestly, I had a ball. But at some point, you just have to face the facts and realize that you can’t play make-believe forever.
IBM Supercomputer Becomes Chef #~# At a meeting with investors this morning, IBM demonstrated its advanced artificial intelligence system Watson, which famously beat two champions at Jeopardy! in 2011, by serving a pastry dish that was created by the supercomputer as part of the company’s pitch to show off the machine’s broad range of capabilities. What do you think?
Nostalgic Warden Has Seen 3 Generations Of Family Come Through Prison #~# CHINO, CA—Casting a sentimental eye over his long career at the California Institution for Men, prison warden Kenneth Luger, 65, told reporters Thursday he will always remember the three generations of the Mowatt family he has seen pass through the corrections facility.
Anonymous Source Informs Bob Woodward He Hasn't Been Relevant In 40 Years #~# WASHINGTON—Investigative journalist Bob Woodward announced Thursday that he’s received credible information from an anonymous source confirming that Woodward hasn’t been a relevant force in American journalism in 40 years. “Though I cannot divulge his name, I can tell you that he’s an extremely reliable, high-level government source, and thus far everything he’s told me about how I’m no longer a salient or even particularly respected journalistic figure completely checks out,” Woodward told reporters, describing a late-night parking garage rendezvous in which the Washington Post editor was purportedly told to “follow the writing.” “My source assured me that once I read my careless reporting on the Iraq war, my exaggerated interviews, and my exploitative and inaccurate account of the recent sequestration situation, it would be abundantly clear that my influence in the field  has substantially waned since Watergate. And he’s right. It’s all true.” Woodward then accidentally revealed that his source’s name was White House Communications Director Daniel Pfeiffer, which prompted the journalist to murmur, “Goddamnit, Bob, you’ve really lost it,” under his breath.
Danica Patrick Flooded With Fan Mail From Nation's Inspired Little Girl #~# PHOENIX—Following her historic 8th-place finish at the Daytona 500 last weekend, NASCAR driver Danica Patrick confirmed Thursday that she has been inundated with thousands of letters from the country’s inspired little girl. “I’m thrilled to be a role model for the young woman who aspires to one day become a professional driver like myself, but unfortunately I just don’t have the time to get to all the mail from her,” said Patrick, who in the last day alone received over 200 handwritten letters from the adolescent girl in America she has influenced to pursue racing.  “Even though I don’t have enough time to respond to every letter, I greatly appreciate and try to read every single note from my fan. I’ve sent back as many signed headshots as I can to the return address, but the letters just keep coming in. It’s amazing and of course very humbling.” At press time, Patrick had just received another shipment of 130 letters from her admiring young supporter, as well as an additional 17,000 from various middle-aged men across the nation.
Community Mourns Death Of Beloved Drunk Driver #~# JUNCTION, TX—A senseless tragedy has left this small, close-knit community in the hill country of Texas reeling as they struggle to absorb the devastating news that beloved local drunk driver Chris Dehaene, 41, died in a head-on highway collision Tuesday evening.
Arianna Huffington Unveils New 'Huffington Man' Aggregated From 84 Different Humans #~# NEW YORK—Declaring the creation a worthy follow-up to her widely successful news aggregation website, media magnate Arianna Huffington unveiled today her latest project known as the Huffington Man, an enormous creature aggregated from the body parts of 84 different humans.
The Thrill Of Constantly Collapsing Gets Me Off #~# Here I am. On the cusp of yet another major collapse that could lead to hundreds of thousands of job losses, send global markets into a tailspin, and destroy my fragile recovery. At this very moment, the threat of automatic cuts to defense and social programs could absolutely cripple me. And I’ll be honest with you: I couldn’t be more turned on.
Rob Todd #~# Rob Todd, 42, has always fantasized about walking in on a woman using the bathroom, but he’s never acted on it and he never will.
Benedict XVI's Last Day As Pope #~# After nearly eight years as head of the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI will step down from the papacy today at 8 p.m. Vatican time, beginning his post-retirement life as a so-called pope emeritus. What do you think?
Insatiable Water Droplet Barrels Down Windowpane Consuming Everything In Its Path #~# GOLDSBORO, NC—According to eyewitness accounts, an insatiable droplet of water charged down the windowpane of a local residence Wednesday, gluttonously consuming everything in its way as it carved a streak of watery carnage across the glass. “It was absolutely voracious—that crazy drop just shot down the window like a goddamn maniac,” said gawking onlooker Eric Frye, noting that the rapacious bead of water had cannibalized dozens of other unsuspecting drops during its wild, ravenous plunge. “It started off a little haltingly, but then it just kept getting faster and faster, and when that crazed drip got down to the middle of the window it just took off. It was insane. The droplets in its path never had a chance.” At press time, sources confirmed that the water drop, bloated and possibly repentant after its deranged binge, had pooled on the exterior windowsill and was considering throwing itself off the ledge to the ground below.
Sonny Bono Foundation Prevents At-Risk Youths From Skiing Into Trees #~# SOUTH LAKE TAHOE, CA—As the organization marks its 15th anniversary Friday, representatives for the Sonny Bono Foundation told reporters that they continue to devote their every effort to stopping at-risk teen skiers from crashing into trees. “As we speak, thousands of children are hurtling down the nation’s ski slopes, and every single one of them is in grave danger of hitting a tree at any second,” said SBF President Mark Rodgers, whose organization since the untimely 1998 death of singer and politician Sonny Bono has worked to put an end to the countless number of young American skiers who, at this very moment, are hurtling at high speeds in the direction of numerous pine trees. “The grim reality is that every 30 seconds a child gets off a chairlift, and if we don’t act now, it’s only a matter of time before yet another one of them takes a turn too fast, loses control, and slams into a tree. These kids have nobody to look out for them up there, and it’s our responsibility to honor Mr. Bono’s legacy by keeping them out of harm’s way.” Though Rodgers claimed that his foundation has had considerable success protecting young skiers, he admitted that the group’s work has been made considerably more difficult due to the competing mission of the Michael Kennedy Winter Athletics Institute, which teaches children how to ski downhill at dangerous speeds while playing football.
Report: Chinese Third-Graders Falling Behind U.S. High School Students in Math, Science #~# CHESTNUT HILL, MA—According to an alarming new report published Wednesday by the International Association for the Evaluation of Educational Achievement, third-graders in China are beginning to lag behind U.S. high school students in math and science.
Top Republicans, Corporations Call For Gay Marriage #~# Ahead of two upcoming Supreme Court cases challenging the constitutionality of state and federal laws limiting the definition of marriage, more than 80 top Republicans and over 200 corporations sent legal briefs to the justices arguing in favor of same-sex unions. What do you think?
Iran Promises To End Nuclear Program In Exchange For Detailed Diagram Of Atomic Bomb #~# TEHRAN—In an unprecedented display of international cooperation from the Middle Eastern nation, Iran reportedly pledged to end the country’s burgeoning nuclear weapons program in exchange for detailed schematics for the construction of an atomic bomb. “In the spirit of compromise, the nation of Iran promises that, should a Western nation supply us with blueprints for the design and assembly of a fission bomb, we will immediately put a stop to our nuclear initiative,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, calling the terms of this proposed agreement “fair, equitable, and well within reason.” “Of course, we’ll also need detonators and a launching mechanism, as well as the expert guidance of the world’s top physicists and engineers. But once we have that, our nuclear weapons program will be a thing of the past. You have my word on that.” At press time, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry had persuaded Ahmadinejad to accept a “more reasonable” offer of $50 million in nuclear research funding and 200 kilograms of weapons-grade plutonium.
Inspirational English Teacher Canceled Out By Every Other Teacher At School #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Despite her effusive passion for education, constant encouragement, and heartfelt devotion to her pupils, English teacher Marcia Belsheim’s inspirational influence on Clement C. Young High School students is reportedly entirely canceled out by the attitude and conduct of every other educator employed at the institution, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Mrs. Belsheim makes me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to, but then unfortunately the rest of my classes convince me that school is a waste of my time and I probably won’t amount to anything,” said student Paul Whitaker, 15, adding that the brief glimmer of excitement he feels toward learning in his first period English class is quickly and permanently extinguished by his six other teachers’ apathetic and detached classroom behavior. “Sure, Mrs. Belsheim inspires us all to be the best we can be, but after sitting through Mr. [Edward] Durbrow’s awful science class the very next period, I really don’t give a shit about school or my future at all anymore.” At press time, weeks’ worth of Belsheim’s attentive after-school tutoring sessions for her sophomores were being systematically negated by Principal David Ford’s string of demeaning outbursts and lascivious advances toward students.
Obama, Congress Must Reach Deal On Budget By March 1, And Then April 1, And Then April 20, And Then April 28, And Then May 1 #~# And Then Twice A Week For Next Four Years
Retiring Pope Vows To Continue Drawing 'Papalpuss' Comic Strip #~# VATICAN CITY—Speaking to reporters for the final time as head of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI vowed Wednesday that he would continue drawing his popular syndicated comic strip Papalpuss after he steps down from office.
Horse Meat Found In Ikea Meatballs #~# In the latest turn in Europe’s widening horse meat scandal, investigators found equine DNA in meatballs served in the cafeteria of an Ikea in the Czech Republic, prompting the company to pull its meatball products from stores throughout much of Europe. What do you think?
Report: Most Couples Met On Set Of 'Daredevil' #~# WASHINGTON—Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s appearance at the Academy Awards Sunday undoubtedly inspired fond memories in the estimated 73 percent of American couples who, according to a new report from the U.S. Census Bureau, also met on the set of the 2003 superhero film Daredevil. “Survey data collected over the past 10 years reveals that, just like Jen and Ben, the overwhelming majority of couples in the United States first met while visiting, working on, or passing through the set of Daredevil,” said Joseph Frey, the statistician who compiled the report, noting that 28 percent of partners got to know each other while doing gaffing or lighting work, 18 percent met while in line for on-set catering, and 15 percent simply visited the set and were introduced by mutual friends. “I myself met my wonderful wife, Kristen, while I was doing some consulting work for 20th Century Fox and she was working as a PA on Daredevil. Whenever people ask when we got together I always say, ‘Well, when did Daredevil come out?’ Of course, statistically speaking, there’s a pretty good chance they already know the answer.” Frey added that the two are happily married with one daughter, who, like most children born in 2009, was conceived on the set of He’s Just Not That Into You.
Culinary World Stunned As Horse Meat Found At 3-Star Michelin Restaurant The Horse & Pony #~# ST. HELENA, CA—Shockwaves rocked the world of haute cuisine today after Napa Valley health authorities discovered the iconic 3-star Michelin restaurant The Horse & Pony featured horse meat in all 18 courses of its signature chef’s tasting menu. “To think that one of the finest restaurants in the country, if not the world, could have gotten away with this for so long is astonishing,” said Food & Wine Editor-in-Chief Dana Cowin, who unwittingly relished sizable amounts of both cooked and raw horse meat in head chef Martin Flax’s renowned menu of amuse-bouches and entrées, including caramelized rillettes de cheval, lavender horse truffles, and sesame pony carpaccio. “It is disgusting and beyond reprehensible. Still, to this day, I have to admit it’s the best meal I’ve ever eaten. The stallion consommé alone was worth the price of admission.” At press time, authorities were also investigating the restaurant’s acclaimed pastry shop next door, The Little Mare.
U.S. Begins Nuclear Talks With Iran #~# The United States and five other nations will begin talks with Iranian negotiators in the city of Almaty, Kazakhstan today to discuss easing sanctions on the Middle Eastern country in exchange for a halt to its nuclear program. What do you think?
Proud Species Commits Suicide Rather Than Be Driven To Extinction By Humans #~# COOS BAY, OR—Amidst rapidly deteriorating environmental conditions that have left the species in imminent danger of extinction, the world’s leatherback sea turtles announced plans Tuesday to commit mass suicide rather than allow human beings to wipe them out. “For years we’ve just been sitting around waiting for these assholes to finish us off, but I say if we’re gonna go out, we do it on our own terms,” said a 25-year-old female leatherback, who along with others of her species confirmed she would rather throw herself into the rudder of a fishing boat than “give those cocksuckers the satisfaction of finishing the job.” “Any of us who managed to survive this massacre would at best end up displayed in an aquarium or penned up in some bullshit ocean preserve, and what kind of life is that? No thanks. We’re leaving this world with our dignity intact.” Several leatherback turtles added that while suicide was indeed their most respectable option, they would regret not being around later this century to see the human race itself driven to extinction.
Humiliated Team Of Cuban Doctors Forced To Continue Treating Long-Dead Fidel Castro #~# HAVANA—Sources within Cuba confirmed Monday that a group of completely humiliated doctors has once again been forced to administer routine medical treatments to former president Fidel Castro, who passed away in early 2008 after suffering a massive ischemic stroke. “All right, I suppose we’d better get some blood work done to check those cholesterol levels,” physician Victor Arrechea reportedly made himself say during the utterly embarrassing charade in which he and his five-person team performed a full physical exam of the deceased Cuban leader, all under the careful watch of armed government guards. “The comandante’s lungs sound clear, and his vitals are all stable. Let’s continue that dosage of Diovan just to make sure his blood pressure stays down.” The doctors were then reportedly forced to put themselves through the degrading process of releasing a press statement confirming that Castro is in perfect health and will live for at least another decade.
Manti Te'o Scrapes Together $5,000 For Combine Fee #~# INDIANAPOLIS—With the 2013 NFL Scouting Combine drawing to a close, linebacker Manti Te’o confirmed Tuesday that he had managed to scrape together enough money to pay the $5,000 fee to participate in the event. “The guy on the phone told me my results wouldn’t count unless I paid the registration fee, so I made sure to get him that money as soon as I could,” the former Notre Dame football standout told reporters, adding that his Western Union wire transfer to Flex-Trak OKK Offshore Holdings, Ltd. ensured him free access to each of the combine performance tests, as well as “Premier Elite” admission to Lucas Oil Stadium. “It was a little pricey with all the extra convenience charges tacked on, but it’s a good thing I got the money together when I did. Apparently, the fee would have increased to $10,000 if I had waited another day.” While Te’o admitted that registering for the combine had depleted a significant portion of his savings, the star linebacker said that his finances were in good shape, as he recently received an unexpected e-mail informing him that he had inherited a sizable sum of money from a long-lost Nigerian uncle.
$85 Billion In Budget Cuts Set To Begin Friday #~# Having avoided the fiscal cliff with a temporary deal in January, the federal government is now facing the so-called sequester, which would trigger $85 billion in automatic spending cuts to the military and domestic programs if lawmakers are unable to reach an agreement by Friday. What do you think?
U.K. Cardinal Resigns In Wake Of—Get This—Sex Abuse Allegations #~# EDINBURGH—Sources confirmed Monday that Britain’s most senior Roman Catholic cleric, Cardinal Keith O’Brien, has stepped down from his position as Archbishop of St. Andrews and Edinburgh due to—you’re not going to believe this one—sexual abuse allegations.
'Les Misérables' Takes Home Oscar For Most Sound #~# LOS ANGELES—Delivering on a season’s worth of awards buzz, the critically acclaimed musical Les Misérables was a big winner at the 85th annual Academy Awards last night after it took home the Oscar for Most Sound. “It’s incredibly humbling to accept this award for Most Sound on behalf of our cast and crew,” said director Tom Hooper of the film that also took home the Academy Awards for Best Sound Making and Biggest Sounds. “We are all very proud of the sounds in this film, and in a year filled with so many terrifically loud movies, we feel incredibly fortunate to be recognized.” In an additional coup for the film, Anne Hathaway’s portrayal of Fantine earned her awards for both Best Supporting Actress and Loudest Actress.
Highlights Of Benedict XVI's Papacy #~# After nearly eight years heading the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI will retire from the papacy on Thursday. Here are some of the most notable moments of Benedict’s service to the Church:
Michelle Obama Presents Oscar To 'Argo' #~# First lady Michelle Obama announced the Oscars’ Best Picture winner via satellite last night, awarding the show’s top prize to the Ben Affleck–directed thriller Argo, which chronicles the rescue of six Americans during the Iranian hostage crisis. What do you think?
Teachers' Job Satisfaction Lowest In 25 Years #~# According to a survey of the nation’s primary and secondary educators, less than 40 percent reported feeling very satisfied with their jobs, the lowest level in a quarter century. What do you think?
While I'm Glad I Won, I Personally Believe Abraham Lincoln Deserved To Die #~# Tonight I had the great honor of receiving the Academy Award for Best Actor for my performance in the film Lincoln. It is my immense privilege to receive an Oscar for the third time in my career, especially for portraying such an historic figure. And as I look back on this role, I can only feel deeply honored and humbled for the praise and respect I’ve received, even though I personally believe that Abraham Lincoln was an American traitor who deserved to die.
Daniel Craig Takes Home Pretty Good Actor Award #~# LOS ANGELES—As industry insiders had been predicting for weeks, Daniel Craig was a big winner at last night’s 85th Academy Awards ceremony after the 44-year-old actor took home the Pretty Good Actor Award, Hollywood’s highest achievement in doing a fairly solid job at acting in a movie. “It’s an honor even to be nominated alongside such decent actors who aren’t going to change your life but are still, you know, reliably pretty good in the right movie,” said Craig, referring to fellow nominees and perfectly fine actors Dennis Quaid, Jude Law, Sam Worthington, and Eric Bana. “I have to thank Sam [Mendes, director] for getting a passable enough performance out of me. Hopefully we can make another not-amazing-but-not-too-bad movie together some day.” Other notables receiving awards included Eh, Perfectly Fine Director winner Bryan Singer and Prometheus, which won for Mostly Okay Picture.
240 Killed In Stampede After Bucketful Of Oscars Just Dumped On Stage #~# LOS ANGELES—In one of the most devastating tragedies in the history of the Academy Awards, 240 attendees were killed in a deadly stampede at Hollywood’s Dolby Theater Sunday after a bucketful of Oscars was just dumped onto the stage, triggering a frenzied rush for the statuettes by  every audience member in attendance.
Unsuspecting Movie Stars Follow Fake Red Carpet Into Back Of Kidnappers’ Van #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Los Angeles police confirmed that Denzel Washington, Naomi Watts, Joaquin Phoenix, and nearly a dozen other top-name actors had gone missing ahead of Sunday’s Academy Awards after following a fake red carpet laid outside the Dolby Theatre that reportedly led into the back of an idling, windowless van. “It appears that the kidnappers were able to use an array of camera flashes, canned fan screaming, and an imposter catty fashion reporter to lure these unsuspecting movie stars right into their grasp,” said police sergeant Mark Morales, noting that Reese Witherspoon, William Hurt, and the entire starring cast of Silver Linings Playbook were seen waving and turning to show their outfits to an assembled corps of fake paparazzi before wandering into the cargo hold of a Ford Econoline vehicle. “There were even several convincing swag bags in the back of the van that appeared to include luxury spa passes and platinum Chopard watches. This plot was clearly carefully planned to prey on Hollywood’s top celebrities.” At press time, sources confirmed the identity of the kidnapper as 65-year-old actor James Woods of nearby Beverly Hills, CA.
Derek Jeter Shatters Ankle In 148 Places After Attempting To Take Field #~# TAMPA, FL—Returning to the field for the first time since fracturing his left ankle last season, Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter reportedly attempted to take one step on the grass Sunday and shattered the ankle in 148 different places. “He kind of came down on it weird and the bones just burst into pieces,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi, confirming that Jeter suffered 38 compound fractures and had “shards of bone jutting out everywhere.” “The sound of bones snapping and flesh tearing was so gruesome. It’s really unfortunate, but honestly, we were surprised when Derek made it up the steps of the dugout.” While the Yankees announced that Jeter will be placed on the 15-day disabled list, the team officials remain confident that the shortstop will be ready to return by opening day.
Jerry Buss Surprisingly Leaves Entire Estate To Former Laker Luke Walton #~# LOS ANGELES—In an unexpected turn of events, sources confirmed Saturday that billionaire Jerry Buss, the widely beloved owner of the Los Angeles Lakers who passed away at the age of 80 last week, has left his entire fortune to the team’s former small forward Luke Walton. “My dear Luke: I leave you everything I have, as you are the sole benefactor of my estate,” read a portion of Buss’ will obtained by reporters, which specified that Walton would inherit over $1.6 billion in money and assets, including ownership of the Lakers, from the late real estate mogul. “You were like a son to me, so I want to ensure that you’re always taken care of and never have to worry about money again. Trading you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life, but I just hope you know how much I always cared about you.” At press time, an emotional Walton was reportedly able to finally quit his low-paying and demeaning job as a bench player on the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Are You Holding A Spoon Or A Fork? #~# FOOD
Man Who Bought 34th Anniversary Reissue Of Fleetwood Mac's 'Rumours' Feeling Like Real Idiot After Passing Display For 35th Anniversary Edition #~# ENID, OK—Longtime Fleetwood Mac fan Michael Gastin reportedly felt like a complete moron this week after walking by a retail display for the 35th anniversary remastered CD box set of the band’s celebrated 1977 album Rumours, released less than a year after he purchased the Rumours 34th anniversary edition. “Goddamn it, I can’t believe I wasted my money on the 34th anniversary reissue when I could have just waited a little longer and gotten an awesome 35th anniversary re-release,” the embarrassed fan said after observing that the deluxe 35th anniversary edition of the album features an expanded booklet with photographs, essays, and interviews about the making of Rumours not included in the commemorative booklet packaged with the 34th anniversary deluxe box set. “And look at this thing—it’s huge! It’s like twice as big as the 32nd and 33rd anniversary editions combined.” At press time, Gastin had reportedly opted to purchase the album due to its inclusion of an early jam session that purportedly sheds light on the little-documented tensions between band members Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham.
Megan Fox To Star In 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' #~# After a well-publicized falling-out during the Transformers movies, Megan Fox has reportedly resolved her differences with Michael Bay and will star as reporter April O’Neil in the director’s upcoming update of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What do you think?
Funeral Held For Door Shot 4 Times By Oscar Pistorius #~# PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Hundreds of grieving friends and family members gathered at a private memorial service today to mourn the death of the bathroom door that was shot by paralympian Oscar Pistorius late last week. “This poor door was only three years old—what kind of a monster would do such a thing?” said mourner Henrik Lourens of the poplar entryway, which died of multiple gunshot wounds early Valentine’s Day. “We got a carpenter to fix it up for the casket, and he did a pretty good job, but it’s still hard to see it just lying there. At least it’s in a better place now.” Sources confirmed the door would be cremated.
Bob Dylan Lays Off 2,000 Workers From Songwriting Factory #~# MUSCATINE, IA—Seeking to revitalize his musical operations following years of declining revenue and mounting production costs, musician Bob Dylan laid off 2,000 workers from his flagship songwriting factory in Muscatine, IA this week, sources confirmed.
Pistorius Case Takes Dramatic Turn As Altered Plane Of Reality Results In Paralympian Shooting John Lennon #~# NEW YORK—Following a South African judge’s decision to grant bail to Paralympian sprinter and murder suspect Oscar Pistorius Friday, the much-followed trial reportedly took yet another dramatic, unforeseen turn after a fluctuation in the space-time continuum upended the fundamental planes of reality and resulted in the famed runner shooting and killing musician John Lennon.
Snowstorm In Chicago Delays Hundreds Of Morning Murders #~# CHICAGO—The city of Chicago is steadily recovering from an overnight snowstorm that delayed hundreds of murders on Friday morning and will likely continue to push numerous homicides across the city drastically behind schedule, public authorities announced. “As we speak, maintenance crews are working diligently to restore public transportation, de-ice roads, and clear back alleyways so that Chicagoans can quickly resume murdering again,” Department of Streets and Sanitation spokesman Dave Michelson said of the heavy blizzard, which caused numerous homicide cancellations this morning at peak murder times. “Unfortunately, we’re backed up by about 35 deadly shootings at the moment, but we hope to restore regular death tolls as soon as possible. We apologize to anyone forced to postpone shootings or other killings today and assure concerned murderers that they will be able to resume slayings by the early afternoon.” At press time, authorities reported that murders were up and running in many parts of the city, with four teenagers already gunned down on Chicago’s South Side.
Great Moments In NFL Combine History #~# With the 2013 NFL Scouting Combine underway, Onion Sports examines the most astonishing accomplishments throughout the history of the annual talent showcase.
Danica Patrick Lauded For Breaking Down Barriers For Attractive Women #~# DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Having secured pole position at the 55th Annual Daytona 500 this Sunday, stock car racer Danica Patrick reportedly has drawn universal praise for smashing social barriers on behalf of stunningly beautiful women everywhere. “In reaching this latest milestone, Danica has once more shown that no challenge is too great for a young, gorgeous female,” said ESPN racing columnist David Newton of the winsome, well-proportioned NASCAR driver, who in addition to her feats on the racetrack is widely regarded as one of the most alluring women in professional sports. “Demonstrating that she can both compete with and even surpass her male peers, Danica is living proof that there is no obstacle a good-looking woman cannot overcome. Her continued success sends an important message to little girls around the world that, provided they believe in themselves and are gorgeous, they can achieve their dreams.” Newton confirmed that if Patrick takes the checkered flag at Daytona, it would be the most significant symbolic victory since 2004, when Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s win at the race proved once and for all that privileged white men who come from NASCAR families can do anything.
The 2013 Best Picture Nominees #~# The 85th Academy Awards will be held Sunday night in Hollywood to celebrate achievements in film over the previous year. Here’s a look at the Best Picture nominees:
Man Demands No Black Nurses Touch Newborn #~# An African-American nurse is suing a hospital in Flint, MI, alleging that administrators granted a request by a white man with a swastika tattoo that no black nurses tend to his newborn, a demand the hospital says it denied. What do you think?
The Biggest Loser #~# NBC
Third Of Fish Sold In U.S. Mislabeled As Different Species #~# Using genetic testing, researchers found that one-third of all fish sold as food in the U.S. was actually a different species than the one listed on the label or menu, with sushi bars misleading consumers most often. What do you think?
Cardinals Host Going-Away Party At Pope's Favorite Vatican City Dive Bar #~# VATICAN CITY—Following Pope Benedict XVI’s announcement that he will resign the papacy at the end of the month, a group of cardinals reportedly hosted a going-away party for the pontiff at his favorite Vatican City dive bar, The Empty Chalice, on Thursday night. “Ratzy’s had a wild ride for the past eight years, and me and the guys figured there was no better way to send him off in style than a night out at the Chalice,” a visibly intoxicated Cardinal Bishop Angelo Sodano said of the celebration at the dingy, no-frills watering hole, which sources said is renowned for its €2 shot specials and is reportedly “stumbling distance” from the 85-year-old pontiff’s private quarters at the Apostolic Palace. “This is our usual after-work spot and we’ve had a lot of rowdy times here, so tonight might get a little out of control. Hey, they don’t call this place ‘Puke-arist’ for nothing!” At press time, Benedict and his archdiocese heads had reportedly been ejected from the bar for harassing a group of young boys at the other end of the bar.
Orange Cone Impresses Scouts At NFL Combine #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Scouts at the 2013 NFL Combine are reportedly abuzz over a 3-inch orange cone whose draft stock is skyrocketing after a standout performance in the first two days of the annual talent showcase. “I don’t think any of us have seen a cone dominate the combine like this since at least ’87,” said Philadelphia Eagles general manager Howie Roseman of the tough, durable SEC cone, which outshined two other highly touted pieces of plastic during the three-cone drill. “This cone is real solid. Great poise out there and just fearless in the middle of the field. Probably too small to be a pylon, but a creative franchise could find a lot of uses for that cone during training camp.”At press time, sources confirmed that the cone was rolling around on the ground in pain after colliding with Florida defensive tackle Sharrif Floyd.
Area Man Panics After Accidentally ‘Liking’ 381 Of His Ex-Girlfriend’s Facebook Photos #~# BOISE, ID—As he browsed the social networking site Facebook last night, local man Aaron Neutzling, 28, reportedly panicked after realizing that in the course of the evening he had somehow “liked” nearly 400 of his ex-girlfriend’s photos. “Oh, God, what did I just do?” Neutzling said upon realizing he had inadvertently spent the past hour and a half cycling through 14 of his ex-girlfriend’s albums and clicking the “like” button for every single picture. “I was just clicking and not even thinking about it. Jesus, she’s definitely going to notice this when she logs in and sees she has 381 new notifications. Maybe if I can unlike all of them quickly enough it won’t look so bad?” Sources later confirmed a frantic Neutzling had posted at least four messages on his ex-girlfriend’s Facebook telling her he loved her.
Rotting Smell In Congress Traced To Decaying Senator Who Died Inside Wall #~# WASHINGTON—Maintenance crews inspecting the U.S. Capitol building this morning confirmed the foul-smelling odor emanating from the back of House chambers over the past two days was caused by the rotting carcass of a dead senator who got stuck inside the walls. “Looks like the poor guy crawled in there somehow and couldn’t get back out again,” custodian Bill Conwill told reporters while extracting the decaying legislator and placing the remains in a garbage bag. “There’d been complaints of something scurrying around in here chewing on the insulation for a couple weeks until the sounds suddenly stopped, then it really started to reek during a joint session of Congress. This kind of thing tends to happen once or twice a year when it gets really cold outside. They’re trying to make their way indoors and get warm, I guess.” At press time, House Speaker John Boehner had notified the senator’s constituents of the situation and reminded members of Congress to firmly lock all doors when exiting and avoid leaving open containers of food out that could attract hungry representatives.
Sources: Hackers Vandalized Drudge Report For Last 15 Years #~# MIAMI—Following recent reports that a covert Chinese military unit is behind a series of cyber assaults on American companies, blogger Matt Drudge revealed to reporters today that his popular news aggregation website The Drudge Report has also been at the mercy of Chinese hackers since shortly after the site’s inception in 1996. “They make the whole site look like garbage, they publish all this incendiary trash, and meanwhile I have to sit here with my name on this thing—it kills me,” said the popular blogger, who went on to claim the website’s primitive graphics, inflammatory muckraking, and shoddily researched takedowns were the work of a sophisticated unit of Chinese super-hackers determined to drag down the quality of what would otherwise be a reliable, respected source of online reportage and commentary. “All I can say is if someone in China is trying to make my website look like complete and utter shit then they’re doing a hell of a job.” At press time, sources confirm Drudge was consulting popular viral content aggregator Buzzfeed to see how they were dealing with a similar breach in security.
Burglar Hiding In Pistorius' Bathroom Figures Now Probably His Best Chance To Escape #~# PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Over a week after Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius’ arrest for the alleged murder of his girlfriend, the burglar hiding inside the sprinter’s shower decided that now was probably his best chance to make his getaway from the residence. “Well, I guess the coast is finally clear,” said the 35-year-old robber, who broke into Pistorius’ home on Valentine’s Day, hid behind the shower curtain as the double-amputee shot his girlfriend, and evaded apprehension during the extensive investigation of the crime scene by quietly standing inside the bathroom tub for seven straight days. “Looks like they’re finally done poking around. I thought for sure Pistorius would think to look back here after his girlfriend died, or at least one of those detectives, but nope.” While slinking away from the residence, the burglar admitted he was especially lucky that the one detective who saw him hiding in the shower was too drunk to do anything about it.
Saddam Hussein Complaining To Other Angels About All The Jews In Heaven #~# THE HEAVENS—Sources within the Kingdom of God confirmed Thursday that late president of Iraq Saddam Hussein has been constantly complaining to his fellow angels about the abundance of Jews in Heaven.
Lawyer Urged By Mother To Include Younger Brother In Murder Trial #~# BOSTON—According to family sources, 35-year-old defense attorney Mark Chaote received a call from his mother Thursday asking him to include his younger brother Jeremy, 28, in his next murder trial. “You know, your brother really looks up to you, and it would mean a lot to Jeremy if you just let him sit with you at the [defense counsel’s] table and look through some evidence,” said the concerned mother, adding that it would “make [her] really happy” if Chaote allowed his sibling to grill a few witnesses. “I bet if you asked ahead of time, you could even get him on the jury. If not, it would be nice if you could at least put him on the witness stand for a few minutes so he feels like he’s participating.” Reports confirmed Chaote later received a follow-up e-mail from his mother stating that unless she hears otherwise, she plans to drop Jeremy off at the courthouse early Friday morning.
Paul McCartney To Headline Bonnaroo #~# Weird Al Yankovic unveiled this year’s lineup for the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival, announcing that Sir Paul McCartney would headline the four-day event along with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and Mumford and Sons. What do you think?
Embarrassed Sony CEO Announces New Video Game System #~# 'This Is Really Nerdy, I Know,' Executive Says
Disappointed LeBron James Endures Long Ride Home On All-Star Team Bus #~# MIAMI—Following the discouraging 143-138 loss to the Western Conference, Heat forward LeBron James boarded the NBA East All-Star Team bus Sunday and endured the long and uncomfortable 28-hour ride from Houston to Miami. “I was feeling bummed about going 0 for 4 at the end of the game, so it really sucked when it took forever to get home because the driver decided to drop off the other All-Stars first,” said James, adding that the tedious bus journey included stops in Chicago, Indianapolis, Cleveland, Boston, New York, Brooklyn, and Philadelphia before arriving in Miami. “The whole trip was so annoying and boring. Plus, the bus was crowded so I had to share a seat with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.” James confirmed that the only toilet on the bus ceased functioning properly somewhere in Arkansas after Celtics forward Kevin Garnett clogged the bathroom fixture.
The Execution Of Mentally Retarded Individuals Such As Myself Runs Against Our Society's Most Fundamental Moral Principles #~# As those who have followed the news lately are no doubt aware, a federal appeals court yesterday issued a stay postponing my execution by the state of Georgia. In the wake of this development, capital punishment advocates around the country have voiced their collective outrage over the deferment of my sentence, calling for the state-mandated death of me, Warren Lee Hill, a mentally retarded man.
Supervisor Encourages Interns To Take On More Responsibilities Of 3 Full-Time Staff Members #~# PHILADELPHIA—According to company sources, the spring class of interns at Fischer Marketing was encouraged by their supervisor Tuesday to show their commitment and drive around the office by voluntarily taking on more responsibilities of three full-time employees.
Testosterone, Needles Possibly Found At Pistorius' Home #~# Police say they found needles and what may be testosterone in Oscar Pistorius’ bedroom, suggesting that the double-amputee Olympic sprinter may have been doping around the time he shot his girlfriend, though defense lawyers claimed the substance was an herbal supplement and not a steroid. What do you think?
'Depot Buys Max,' Nation's Office-Supply-Loving Teens Text Frantically To One Another #~# NEW YORK—Wholesale office supply mania once again captured the fevered imaginations of the nation’s teenagers Wednesday as industry juggernaut Office Depot announced plans to purchase competitor OfficeMax in an all-stock deal worth $1.2 billion. “Yo, Depot bought the Max?! This is going 2 change everything,” self-professed office supply nut Tara Wilson, 17, texted to friends as she, like millions of American teens just like her, eagerly searched industry news sites for more details on the upcoming merger. “U said big-box retail wuz moving online?? Walmart+Amazon r going 2 B totally fucked.” Though scores of young office supply fans nationwide were reportedly enthused by reports of the new chain retailer, millions of other teenage sources have expressed their brand loyalty by posting the phrase “Stapz 4 lyfe” on Facebook and Twitter.
World Doesn't Even Know Who To Admire Anymore After Tom Hanks Murders 5 #~# LOS ANGELES—Millions across the planet expressed astonishment and exasperation earlier today, saying they no longer had any idea who to admire following beloved film actor Tom Hanks’ brutal Wednesday morning murder spree that claimed the lives of five. “Okay, honestly? Tom Hanks now?” said Los Angeles woman Marie Irvine, 43, echoing the voices of millions of human beings worldwide who reported being devastated by recent events like Oscar Pistorius’ murder trial, Lance Armstrong’s doping admission, and new accounts confirming that the Forrest Gump star strangled a family of five in Burbank before sitting down on their couch and calmly waiting for the police to arrive. “I literally don’t know who I’m supposed to look up to and revere at this point. Who are the good, respectable people in the world again? Because I was pretty much down to just Tom Hanks before this happened.” A majority of people reported feeling even more let down by Tom Hanks’ series of homicides considering they had already forgiven the actor for a 2006 drunk driving rampage that killed 12 children.
Woman Rushed Into Cosmetic Surgery With 8 Glaring Flaws #~# ATLANTA—A local woman is in stable condition this morning after undergoing emergency cosmetic surgery to repair eight glaring flaws, doctors at Emory University Midtown Hospital said Wednesday.
Blake Griffin Heartbroken After Catching Chris Paul Throwing Lobs To Lamar Odom #~# LOS ANGELES—According to team sources, Clippers power forward Blake Griffin was left in total shock and despair Wednesday after walking in on teammate Chris Paul throwing lobs to power forward Lamar Odom. “We’ve been together for two years, and I didn’t think we had any real problems on the frontcourt—I just can’t believe he’d do this to me,” said Griffin, who after a recent practice stumbled upon Paul standing at the free-throw line while a clearly embarrassed Odom hung from the rim in stunned silence. “I really thought he only had eyes for me when flipping the ball up for a huge jam. I guess I was wrong.” At press time, Paul was reportedly outside the team’s locker room desperately pleading with Griffin to “just come out and talk.”
Film Character Moves Into Beautiful Brooklyn Brownstone After Getting Dream Publishing Job #~# BROOKLYN—After being offered her dream job as an editorial assistant at a high-powered, nationally syndicated magazine last week, area film character Eleanor “Eddie” Edison moved into a beautiful brownstone home in the heart of Brooklyn, sources confirmed. “This place is perfect!” said the attractive, if naively hopeful, protagonist, who graduated with a degree in English/Creative Writing from a well-known northeastern university and now lives in a 5,000-square-foot waterfront property overlooking lower Manhattan. “I’m so lucky I just happened to walk by and see the rent sign in the window. Tonight, after our shopping spree, I will invite my best girlfriends over and we will drink white wine and fill each other in on major developments in our lives while we listen to an album by My Morning Jacket.” At press time, sources confirmed the fictional woman, who is currently single while focusing on her career, had just bumped into an insufferable though admittedly handsome young man downstairs who, as it happens, works at the very same publication she does.
Obama Calls For Mapping Human Brain #~# President Barack Obama is calling for a 10-year, $3 billion joint public-private project to map the human brain, saying the Brain Activity Map would lead to medical and scientific breakthroughs and provide a boon to the national economy. What do you think?
Waukegan LASIK #~# Bravo
$50 Million Worth Of Diamonds Stolen In Average Day In Brussels #~# BRUSSELS—A team of professional burglars is said to have skillfully evaded security at Brussels’ international airport Monday night and escaped with roughly $50 million worth of diamonds in what law enforcement officials in the Belgian capital are describing as a routine, everyday occurrence in the city. “At this time, we can confirm that several disguised cat burglars made off with hundreds of polished and uncut diamonds, though the crime appears entirely unrelated to yesterday’s daring ruby heist from the Royal Palace and the theft of several million dollars in rare black pearls from this same airport two days ago,” said police spokesman Julien De Smet, noting that the brazen robbery would be added to the list of high-stakes jewel thefts, expert safecracking, fine art burglaries, vase pilferings, and countless other deftly executed capers occurring daily in Brussels. “As usual, we’ll continue to keep close surveillance on the city’s museums and high-society personal art collections, as well as the thousands of armored trucks that transport large quantities of gems, masterpiece paintings, and priceless ancient statuary around the city each and every day.” At press time, an Interpol bulletin confirmed that De Smet himself was an imposter and that his press conference had merely served as a diversion while an invaluable ancient Roman frieze was swiped from the nearby Musée du Cinquantenaire.
Ailing Hugo Chavez Makes Surprise Return #~# After spending more than two months in seclusion in Cuba following cancer surgery, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez made an unannounced return home yesterday, at which time he was immediately transferred to a local hospital. What do you think?
Kate Middleton Shows Off Baby Bump #~# LONDON—Months after announcing her pregnancy in December, the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton stepped out in public Tuesday, displaying her growing baby bump to a throng of excited onlookers. “Three months into her pregnancy, our crew spotted the usually trim duchess exhibiting a budding belly,” Daily Mirror celebrity reporter Stephanie Wood said of the expectant Middleton, who reportedly showed off her ballooning middle after leaving a routine appointment at St. Thomas’ Hospital. “Though the duchess appeared a little fatigued, we can hardly blame her. After all, she’s smiling for two now!” When reached for comment, Middleton appeared overwhelmed by her highly anticipated bundle of joy, saying only, “I can’t believe this is happening,” before royal guards escorted the weary mommy-to-be back to her private quarters at Buckingham Palace.
The Onion's Tips For Not Accidentally Murdering Your Girlfriend #~# In today’s fast-paced world, it seems like just about any guy can accidentally kill his girlfriend at virtually any time. Here are some easy strategies to avoid inadvertently murdering your significant other:
Get Me To A Hospital, I Think I Just Swallowed Some Venom #~# Oh no. Oh God.
I Slapped A Crying Child And Called Him A Nigger And I’m The Bad Guy? #~# I don’t think I’m going out on a limb by saying that air travel can be stressful. Crowded flights rarely bring out the best in people, and that’s why common courtesy is so important. If you’ve ever been on a plane where a parent blatantly disregards that courtesy and lets her little black kid cry his lungs out in the seat next to you, then you’ve probably been pretty aggravated, much as I was on a recent flight to Atlanta. And yet somehow—don’t ask me how—for some reason I’ve come out of this whole episode as the bad guy. Yes, me. You know, as if that makes any sense at all.
Vacationing Detective Just Going To Pretend Like He Didn't Even See Dead Body In The Woods #~# KISSIMMEE, FL—Firmly reminding himself that he was off-duty, vacationing Minneapolis police detective Jack Ullman, 56, averted his gaze and kept walking as if he had not just spotted a human corpse in the underbrush of the woods near his hotel, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Nope, didn’t see it,” Ullman said to himself, reportedly making a concerted effort to forget about the bloated, lacerated body and focus on enjoying himself. “It’s someone else’s jurisdiction. Not about to deal with that. Even though there were clear signs of a struggle, what looked like blunt-force trauma to the head, and—no, no, Jack, put it out of your mind. This is your time to relax.” At press time, sources confirmed Ullman had resolved to take just one quick peek under the fingernails and leave it at that.
Seagull With Diarrhea Barely Makes It To Crowded Beach In Time #~# NAPLES, FL—Describing it as a “real close call,” a local seagull suffering from an acute case of diarrhea told reporters that he was barely able to make it to a crowded public beach in time to relieve himself Monday. “Oh, man, I really had to go and there wasn’t a sunbather or occupied picnic table in sight—I honestly didn’t know if I could hold it,” said the gray and white seabird, who reportedly uttered a deep, contented sigh of relief upon finally reaching a densely packed group of beachgoers and releasing a voluminous torrent of loose fecal matter. “The last thing you want is to just go right there over the water or a bare stretch of sand. But thankfully I spotted a few families without beach umbrellas and was able to make it just long enough. Must have been some bad parking lot hot dog I ate.” At press time, the seagull reportedly felt another oncoming, urgent bowel movement and was rapidly racing toward the nearest convertible.
Iceland May Ban Online Pornography #~# The Icelandic government may use Internet filters to block citizens from viewing pornography online, potentially becoming the first Western democracy to impose strict Internet blocking technology like that used by China and other authoritarian regimes. What do you think?
Preaching To The Choir With Rachel Maddow #~# MSNBC
Vin Diesel Will Finally Kiss Car In 'Fast & Furious 6' #~# LOS ANGELES—Fans of the Fast & Furious franchise were reportedly thrilled this week after Universal Pictures announced the sixth installment in the series would include a long-anticipated love scene between star Vin Diesel and his character’s beloved 1970 Dodge Charger. “The sexual tension between Dom Toretto [Diesel] and his car has been simmering since the crew first stormed the world of underground racing in the first film, and now the audience will finally get to see that relationship taken to the next level,” a Universal spokesman said of the scene, which he confirmed occurs during a suspenseful chase sequence, with Diesel pausing a moment to pull the 900-horsepower automobile into an alley and passionately kiss its grill before the two screech back out onto the street. “After years of will-they-won’t-they, fans will finally get what they’ve been waiting for. Vin told us he was a little nervous about doing some of the steamier shots, but he was truly a professional about it. And trust me, he pulls it off.” At press time, representatives for both Diesel and the car had vehemently denied reports that the two were involved in an offscreen romance.
Google To Open Retail Stores #~# Sources are reporting that Google will open a chain of brick-and-mortar stores throughout North America to sell the company’s tech products, with several flagship locations opening in major metropolitan areas in time for this year’s holiday season. What do you think?
Chris Brown's Agent Suggests Suicide Could Be Great Career Move #~# LOS ANGELES—Citing the positive impact it would likely have on the R&B star’s image, SavMedia publicist Erica Sandoval reportedly suggested to Chris Brown today that taking his own life could be a “really smart move” at this point in his career. “Just think about it: you’d double your base and you’d instantly make a lot of people very, very happy,” said Sandoval of her inspired plan for Brown to promptly shoot, poison, or hang himself to restore a modest piece of the public’s goodwill and boost record sales. “It’s a bold move, sure, but I think it would really get people on your side. You would be so much more appealing. Besides, it’s always a good idea to give the people what they want.” Sources confirmed that Sandoval ended the meeting by offering to help out in any way she could, either by pulling the trigger herself or by setting up a pay-per-view livestream feed of the suicide.
Oscar Pistorius Swears Bloody Cricket Bat From Different Murder #~# PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Facing allegations that he killed girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp during a dispute at his Pretoria mansion last week, track star Oscar Pistorius swore before a judge Monday that a bloodied cricket bat found on his property was in fact used in a completely different murder. “Honest to God, I never used that bat on Reeva—you have to believe me,” the double amputee said of the blood-soaked wooden paddle, claiming he had only ever used it in the 2011 slaying of a Johannesburg prostitute and “a handful” of cricket matches. “Seriously, I haven’t even seen that thing since I killed a hooker with it. To be honest, I forgot I still had it lying around.” According to sources, Pistorius went on to claim that Steenkamp’s skull was already caved in before he shot her four times.
Person One Season Ahead In TV Show Doling Out Counsel Like Wise Elder #~# PAWTUCKET, RI—Adopting the sagely demeanor of an all-knowing oracle, local man Jacob Rivard, 29, who is a season ahead of friends in his viewing of the television series Breaking Bad, is reportedly conferring advice about the show as if it were the sacred wisdom of ages. “Oh, you’re not to that part yet?” the august and enlightened elder said Monday, casting his clairvoyant eye to the future and cryptically alluding to what wonders lie there. “Well, just wait for the season-four finale. You have no idea. Everything is about to change, and Walt’s character will—no, I’m not going to say any more. You have to see it for yourself.” Sources indicated the learned man then grew reticent, responding to every question with an enigmatic smile and the words “You’ll find out soon enough.”
Officemates Unwittingly Spend Entire Workday Talking To Each Other On Grindr #~# HOUSTON—Without either man ever becoming aware of the other’s identity, coworkers Matthew Durbin, 28, and Caleb Simmons, 26, spent an entire workday exchanging salacious messages with each other on the gay male dating site Grindr, sources reported Monday. “Are you as horny as I am right now?” Durbin wrote to Lucky_88, which, unbeknownst to him, is the username of the man who sits 30 feet away from him and with whom he occasionally exchanges awkward small talk in the office break room. “I want to stick my tongue into your hot, wet mouth. I’m getting hard just thinking about it.” At press time, sources confirmed the men’s plan to hook up had been aborted after each had arrived at the agreed-upon meeting place and unexpectedly caught sight of a coworker.
Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time. “Sweetie, don’t worry, you’re not going to die until years and years from now,” said Eli’s mother Denise Heffernan, 40, who sources confirmed further terrified her son by informing him that death is completely natural and eventually happens to everyone. “Someday we’ll die, but that’s just a part of life. And even Grandma won’t die until you’re much older, okay? Now, get some sleep and try not to think about it.” At press time, reports indicated Eli was lying wide-awake in the darkness of his room calculating exactly how old he would be when he died.
Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots #~# The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battlefield service. What do you think?
Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life #~# With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.
Michael Jordan Celebrates 50th Birthday With Last People He Hasn't Completely Alienated Yet #~# HOUSTON—In a small gathering of acquaintances, former Chicago Bulls guard Michael Jordan reportedly celebrated his 50th birthday Sunday with the last five people on the planet whom the six-time NBA champion hasn’t totally alienated yet. “It’s great that everybody could be here to pay tribute to me,” said Jordan, addressing guests at the sparsely attended festivities, which included a bookie, two paid escorts, a nephew who still speaks to the five-time NBA MVP, and former Bulls center Bill Cartwright. “That’s a pretty sorry-ass pile of presents. Christ, you people are fucking losers.” At press time, Jordan had alienated every guest at his party and was alone eating a piece of cake.
'Art Imitates Life Imitates Art,' Remarks Man Trapped In Art Museum #~# PITTSBURGH—After being inadvertently trapped in the Carnegie Museum of Art following closing time Thursday, local man Simon Oresick, 57, remarked to himself that art and life do seem, at times, to be inextricably linked to one another in a mutually imitative relationship. “It is curious to note the way in which art reflects the vagaries of existence and the human condition, just as existence itself often seems to directly echo or reflect the motifs expressed in art,” pondered the frantic, nearly hysterical man as he bounded down a service stairwell and repeatedly threw his weight against a door labeled “street exit.” “For instance, is it I who am trapped in this museum, or the pieces of art that currently surround me? Or both? And who is the original author of this entrapment: the work of art, or the person who views said work of art?” At press time, the distraught, captive Oresick was attempting to jimmy open a stairwell window with his car keys while contemplating the twin theories of both art as a form of escape and escape as a form of art.
Gerald Green Incorporates Christopher Marlowe's 'Doctor Faustus' Into Slam Dunk #~# HOUSTON—While competing in the Sprite Slam Dunk Contest Saturday, contestant Gerald Green reportedly incorporated characters, dialogue, and set design from 16th-century English playwright Christopher Marlowe’s The Tragical History of the Life and Death of Doctor Faustus into his elaborately choreographed dunk routine. “Lo, Mephistophilis, for love of thee/Faustus hath cut his arm, and with his proper blood/Assures his soul to be great Lucifer’s/ Chief lord and regent of perpetual night!” proclaimed the spotlighted and costumed Indiana Pacers small forward before catching a full-court lob from the demon Mephisto—played by devilishly attired teammate Lance Stephenson—and driving to the hole. “View here this blood that trickles from mine arm/ And let it be propitious for my wish.” Upon completing the 10-minute-long scene in which the Elizabethan drama’s titular character exchanges his soul for Satan’s corrupt bounty, Green dribbled between his legs, scrawled his name in Lucifer’s black book, and launched toward the hoop from the free-throw line, whereupon the basketball clanged off the rim, forcing the 2007 dunk contest winner and his fellow castmates to return to half court and start the intricate routine from the beginning.
Don Seaton and Wanda Allen #~# Don Seaton and Wanda Allen were wed this weekend, with both barely breaking eye contact with the best man.
Russian Meteorite Strike Injures Over 1,000 #~# A meteorite fell over the Russian city of Chelyabinsk this morning, creating a fireball and several explosions that caused moderate structural damage, injuring over 1,000 people in an event astronomers say is unrelated to the passage of asteroid 2012 DA14 near Earth today. What do you think?
Bus Transporting Carnival Cruise Passengers Crashes Into Sewage Treatment Plant #~# MOSS POINT, MS—The ongoing plight of passengers who recently escaped the disabled Carnival cruise liner Triumph took another unfortunate turn Thursday when, just hours after they disembarked the filthy ship and boarded a charter bus for New Orleans, their vehicle careened off the road and crashed into a local sewage treatment plant. “Oh, goddamn it, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” former Triumph traveler Laura Jackson said as torrents of human waste rose around her ankles and soiled her newly changed clothing. “You know what? Bring it on. Just go ahead and pour shit all over me. Lock me in a Porta-Potty and roll me down a hill, see if I give a fuck. Screw it.” At press time, Carnival had issued an apology to all passengers affected by the accident and offered them 100 Loyalty Club points redeemable on any future cruise.
More Than 1,000 Russians Injured In Freaking Coolest Event Ever #~# CHELYABINSK, RUSSIA—Following the unexpected arrival of a 10-ton meteor that reportedly broke up above the Russian city of Chelyabinsk early Friday morning, more than 1,000 people have been seriously injured in what sources confirmed was the most awesome fucking thing ever.
Meth Actually Not That Bad For You, Report Doctors Dismantling Stereo #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging a growing scientific consensus over the dangers of methamphetamines, a team of doctors frantically prying apart and dismantling a stereo system released the findings of a new study Friday concluding that the synthetic drug actually isn’t really that bad for you.
Coddled Potted Plant Could Never Make It On Outside #~# BEVERLY, MA—According to sources, an impeccably maintained local 3-year-old Philodendron would be “as good as dead” if it ever left the pampered confines of its terra cotta pot and tried to make it on the outside. “Trust me, that plant would be dead at first frost—it’s never known life outside that window sill,” said the flowering plant’s owner, Jennifer Holland, adding that the “soft, lily-white” fauna would not last a day if removed from its optimal watering schedule and sun exposure. “Look at those [cascade azaleas] out there. They haven’t had water in days, but it doesn’t even look like their turgor pressure’s down. This plant? Hasn’t lived a day of its life in the real world. No way it could cut it out there.” Holland also expressed doubts that the giant sequoia she recently potted in her living room would last through the winter.
Michael Vick Not Sure He's Got Another 4-12 Season In Him #~# PHILADELPHIA—Newly re-signed Eagles quarterback Michael Vick, 32, revealed in a candid interview Thursday that he’s not confident he has another 4-12 season left in him. “If you’re asking me to be totally honest, I’m not sure lightning can strike twice and I’ll be able to perform like I did last season again,” said Vick, adding that given his age and the particular situation in Philadelphia, most players would feel fortunate to reach two wins. “Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m going to play my hardest in hopes of reaching six or seven wins, but after being in the league for as long as I have, you begin to realize what’s possible and what’s not.” In the wake of Vick’s comments, second-year backup quarterback Nick Foles said that if the situation arises, he’s more than ready to step in for any number of hard-fought losses.
Asteroid Narrowly Misses Earth #~# A 150-foot asteroid known as 2012 DA14 will pass by Earth today, coming within 17,000 miles of hitting the planet—closer than many communications satellites—and narrowly avoiding an impact that would have destroyed a 750-square-mile area of the surface. What do you think?
Alaskan Gray Wolf Can't Believe No One Told Him He’s Got Snow On Nose #~# SITKA, AK—Saying that he feels like an utter moron and is still completely embarrassed, a gray wolf on Thursday told reporters how mortified he is that no one bothered to inform him he had snow all over his nose earlier. “Here I am walking around with snow on my nose like a jackass and no one says a goddamned thing,” the humiliated Alaskan apex predator said, noting that he encountered dozens of wolves that day without a single one overtly, or even furtively, drawing attention to the glaring clump of powder on the top of his snout.  “All day long, all fucking day I look like a buffoon, and not one member of my pack has the decency to say ‘Lick the top of your nose a little’ or ‘Hey, you got a little something there.’ Unbelievable.” At press time, sources confirmed the wolf had not confronted pack members about his grievances and opted instead to take precautionary measures by pawing his nose intermittently whenever he thought they weren’t looking.
Disabled, Sewage-Laden Cruise Ship Returns To Port #~# Since an engine fire Sunday, the 4,200 people aboard the Carnival cruise ship Triumph have gone without electricity, waited hours in line for food, and endured raw sewage in rooms and on deck, prompting the company to offer reimbursements, $500 in cash, and a credit for a future cruise. What do you think?
Los Angeles On High Alert As LAPD Back On Regular Duty #~# LOS ANGELES—Los Angeles residents are reportedly on edge today following reports that hundreds of armed and extremely dangerous Los Angeles Police Department officers are resuming  regular patrolling duties after the conclusion of Tuesday’s manhunt for rogue ex-cop Christopher Dorner. “I mean, just knowing they’re out there is terrifying—how can I feel safe when these maniacs are on the loose in my neighborhood?” said a visibly rattled Ashley Stillson, 38, who explained that she strictly observed the city’s advisory to avoid the historically violent, unpredictable predators by going out in groups and avoiding the streets entirely after nightfall. “These guys are volatile and, in many cases, mentally unstable. Something needs to be done about them because I fear for my family knowing these sick people are still at large.” At press time, sources reported the tense mood in L.A. had brightened considerably after news of a serial rapist diverted numerous LAPD officers to a sprawling manhunt in nearby San Bernardino.
Man Didn’t Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling #~# BRACKNEY, PA—Expressing both joy and astonishment, 55-year-old accountant Jacob Reynolds confirmed Wednesday that a recent rendezvous with a prostitute had left him completely and utterly satisfied on an emotional level. “I had no idea it would be such a deeply moving and fulfilling experience on every level,” said Reynolds, explaining he had assumed paying $150 for 30 minutes of anonymous intercourse with an exhausted and apathetic middle-aged woman would ultimately leave him feeling hollow inside, but instead his self-esteem was “through the roof.” “When I walked into that motel room, I wasn’t expecting to feel such a strong spiritual connection to another person, but I think we really shared a moment there. That was exactly what I needed. The world feels so much bigger and brighter now.” Reynolds later confirmed his blissful feeling of well-being only increased when he returned home, looked deep into the eyes of his wife of 30 years, and lied to her about where he had been.
Report: World Now Down To 5 Stories That Are Inspirational #~# JOHANNESBURG—In the wake of reports that double amputee Paralympic champion Oscar Pistorius, 26, had been charged with the murder of his girlfriend Thursday, a report filed today by the Pew Research Center stated that the world is now down to just five stories that are in any way inspirational.
American Airlines, US Airways Merge To Form World's Largest Inconvenience #~# FORT WORTH, TX—American Airlines and US Airways stunned the aviation industry Thursday upon announcing the two air travel titans have combined in an $11 billion merger that sources say will unite the industry powerhouses into the world’s largest and most complete pain in the ass. “Today we embark upon a bold and unprecedented new venture into customer frustration,” American CEO Tom Horton said of the historic alliance, which analysts predict will pose an immediate threat to rivals United and Delta in the air travel industry’s key areas of flight delays, lost luggage, and useless customer service. “When you take our general administrative incompetence and integrate it with our new partner’s long-proven inability to meet flyers’ needs in any capacity, you’ve got a brilliant new model in passenger aggravation and travel plan disruption. This truly will be the leading entity in the hassle industry.” Horton also confirmed the new multi-billion-dollar headache hopes to fuck up more than 4,000 flights a day.
Kobe Bryant Holds Kobe-Bryant-Only Meeting To Discuss Lakers #~# LOS ANGELES—After a tumultuous and disappointing first half of their season, Kobe Bryant reportedly called a Kobe-Bryant-only meeting Thursday to air out the many issues still plaguing the Lakers. “There are 29 games to go and we’re still under .500, so everybody needs to step their game up right now,” Bryant reportedly said during the closed-door talks, which did not include coaches, upper management, or any of the other 13 players on the Lakers’ roster. “I’m sick of hearing excuses about shoulder injuries or trade speculation. We should be contending for the title, but I feel like I’m the only one out there who even gives a damn. And frankly, that’s pathetic.” Reached for comment, Bryant told reporters the meeting was “very positive,” as it was unanimously agreed that the 15-time All-Star should get more of the ball during games.
Mother Considers Son 'Quite The Little Casanova' #~# NAPERVILLE, IL—Commenting on the third-grader’s blossoming personality and overall handsomeness, local woman Carrie Bloomquist reportedly told friends Tuesday that her 8-year-old son is already turning into “quite the little Casanova.” “Well! Just take a look at this heartbreaker we’ve got on our hands here,” the proud mother said to a visiting group of neighbors as her “adorable” son Thomas entered the kitchen to pour himself a glass of apple juice. “He’s just a sweet little guy now, but once he gets bigger, those ladies better watch out! This precious Romeo’s going to have all sorts of girlfriends.” At press time, sources confirmed the pint-sized Lothario had wandered upstairs to try on some of his mother’s dresses.
Therapist Feels Bad For Dating Patient's Daughter #~# UTICA, NY—Admitting that he feels “pretty guilty about it,” clinical psychologist William Nesbitt told reporters Thursday that he has found himself in an increasingly uncomfortable situation ever since he began dating the 23-year-old daughter of one of his patients. “It’s not technically against the rules or anything, but I can’t help feeling a little bad about it every time her father comes in for his weekly appointment,” said Nesbitt, 47, adding that he is “still looking for the right time” to disclose the four-month-long relationship to his patient. “What can I say? I certainly didn’t plan for this to happen. Allison and I just really hit it off. And it’s not affecting my work. If anything, it’s given me better insight into some of her father’s anxiety problems.” Nesbitt added that while the relationship is going well, his girlfriend has “a ton of daddy issues she needs to work out.”
Tips For A Romantic Valentine's Day #~# Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Here are some tips for putting together the perfect romantic evening with your loved one:
Coroner: Woman Died From Drinking Too Much Coke #~# A coroner in New Zealand has ruled that a 30-year-old woman’s death by cardiac arrest in 2010 was caused by her daily consumption of at least 10 liters of Coke, a claim that The Coca-Cola Company has strongly denied. What do you think?
UPDATE: Taylor Swift Back Together With Ex-Boyfriend Christopher Dorner #~# BIG BEAR LAKE, CA—Just hours after she was left broken-hearted by the death of boyfriend Christopher Dorner, sources reported that Taylor Swift rekindled her romance with the deceased California cop killer Wednesday and has been inseparable from his charred remains ever since. “Taylor was absolutely crushed when her beau barricaded himself in a remote cabin and committed suicide, but after some intense soul-searching, she realized she couldn’t live without him,” Popsugar.com blogger Kristen Stern said of the rekindled romance between the 23-year-old singer-songwriter and the deceased subject of the LAPD’s largest-ever manhunt. “Now the Swifner romance is back on! Fans caught the country cupcake canoodling with Christopher’s burnt corpse at a San Bernardino County coroner’s office this afternoon, and friends say she’s planning a special Valentine’s Day surprise for her man. She’s definitely smitten.” At press time, paparazzi photographed the couple cozying up together inside Dorner’s body bag.
Mountain Dew Introduces 'Kickstart' Breakfast Drink #~# On February 25, PepsiCo will roll out its new line of caffeinated Mountain Dew Kickstart sparkling juice beverages, which will be marketed as an alternative to coffee or tea. What do you think?
Girlfriend Just Wants To Have Low-Key, Laid-Back Valentine's Day Fight This Year #~# BEREA, KY—Saying that she didn’t want to go all out and turn the evening into a “big huge thing,” area woman Caitlin Omstead announced Wednesday that she would prefer to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year with a nice, low-key fight at home with her boyfriend. “The past three years we’ve gotten all dressed up and had these huge arguments out on the town, so this year I feel like just staying in and having a laid-back quarrel at the apartment,” Omstead reportedly told friends, adding that she wouldn’t mind curling up on the couch with a movie only one person likes and bickering about money, household duties, or the car. “Plus, Valentine’s Day is on a Thursday this year, so it’ll be hard to get reservations someplace where we can viciously argue about vacation planning under our breath.” At press time, Omstead’s boyfriend said he didn’t care where they went to squabble as long as they had bitter, resentment-fueled intercourse afterwards.
Shit-Caked, Urine-Soaked Man Determined To Enjoy Carnival Cruise #~# GULF OF MEXICO—Following an onboard fire that has left more than 4,000 Carnival cruise ship passengers and crew without electricity, water, and operational bathroom facilities, feces-covered, urine-stained traveler Jason Spaulding told reporters Wednesday that he is determined to enjoy the remainder of his high seas vacation. “Look, I’ve been looking forward to this cruise for months, and I’m not about to let a little utilities hiccup ruin my good time,” said a waste-drenched Spaulding, who in the past three days has been forced to urinate and defecate off the side of an immobile Carnival cruise liner whose backed-up restrooms sources confirmed are leaking raw sewage throughout the vessel’s living quarters and main deck. “The fact is, the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, and I’m out here in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico on a boat. Uncontrollable torrents of human excrement or no, I’m going to make the best of it.” At press time, the optimistic Carnival passenger had decided to “cool off” by taking a dip in the cruise ship’s lukewarm, feces-clouded pool.
66-Year-Old 'Washington Post' Reporter Hopes He Liveblogged State Of The Union Right #~# WASHINGTON—Following his coverage of the president’s State of the Union address Tuesday night, Washington Post senior reporter Ed Karl, 66, said he’s just going to hope he liveblogged the speech correctly, sources confirmed. “The page is pretty long, so I think I did enough posts—how many posts are these things supposed to have again?” Karl, a reporter and political correspondent for the national newspaper since 1971, said to colleagues as he scrolled over a 300-word entry entitled “#SOTU 2013: Best Ways to Watch.” “I tried to put a bunch of photos and updates on there, plus some tweets and jiffs or whatever. I don’t know. Looks like a liveblog to me.” At press time, editors had commended Karl on his work and encouraged him to link to it on his Facebook page.
Taylor Swift Mourns Death Of Boyfriend Christopher Dorner #~# BIG BEAR LAKE, CA—Another of Taylor Swift’s high-profile romances came to an abrupt end Tuesday, sources confirmed, following the death of the recording artist’s boyfriend and fugitive cop killer Christopher Dorner. “Taylor is absolutely heartbroken that her beau Christopher Dorner’s charred remains were found in a mountain cabin after a lengthy shootout with police yesterday,” wrote Radar Online blogger Amanda Snyder of the relationship between the 23-year-old pop-country singer and the 33-year-old quadruple homicide suspect, referring to the couple by their tabloid nickname “Swifner.” “Just two days ago, fans snapped pictures of the snowy lovebirds nuzzling noses on the slopes while vacationing at Bear Mountain Resort. It’s so sad—they were so cute together.” At press time, sources reported that Swift was seen entering Los Angeles Police Department headquarters hand in hand with police chief Charlie Beck.
Website Humiliating Itself #~# SAN FRANCISCO—With its shameless self-promotion, gratuitous content recycling, and completely disorienting design, aggregator website FlavorMix.com is utterly humiliating itself, sources confirmed Friday. “Looking for a laugh? Check out this gallery of our most popular posts from 2012!” reads a slideshow published on FlavorMix today, just one of dozens of search-engine-optimized entries that clutter the website’s overwhelmingly tacky home page. “Did we forget to include your favorite? Sound off in the comments! And before you go, check out some of these great stories from our content partners!” At press time, in a desperate effort to draw traffic, FlavorMix was reportedly attempting to entertain its users with a series of fun, colorful ads featuring looping audio that plays automatically and cannot be turned off.
Rich White People Get Latino Guy To Do Some Work For Them #~# WASHINGTON—Faced with a menial and unappealing task they had no desire to perform themselves, a group of wealthy white people brought in a Latino man to complete the thankless labor for them Tuesday, sources confirmed. “This opportunity—to make it to the middle class or beyond no matter where you start out in life—it isn’t bestowed on us from Washington,” said the Hispanic guy, who was given explicit instructions and was warned by the privileged, affluent Caucasians to make sure he completed the unrewarding chore to their exact specifications. “It comes from a vibrant free economy where people can risk their own money to open a business. More government isn’t going to create new opportunities. It’s going to limit them.” Following the completion of his tedious labor, the man was reportedly asked if he had any Latino friends who might also be willing to take on some work for the white millionaires for modest compensation.
New Atlanta Braves Logo Features Gruesome Depiction Of Trail Of Tears #~# ATLANTA—Braves general manager Frank Wren announced Wednesday that the team’s new logo would feature a grim depiction of the numerous atrocities suffered by Native Americans on the Trail of Tears. “Since many felt that the screaming brave logo was offensive and insensitive, we decided that the Atlanta Braves’ emblem should encapsulate the brutal forced relocation of Native Americans,” said Wren, adding that the new symbol would feature a bleak illustration of starving members of the Cherokee nation succumbing to exposure and disease. “The young Cherokee girl dying from pneumonia at the center of the logo really captures the cruelty of forcibly removing Native Americans from their homelands to make room for white settlements. However, we feel that all 4,000 of the dead Native Americans in the design were rendered wonderfully.” In related news, the Cleveland Indians announced plans to honor the plight and discrimination of Native Americans by continuing to use the same logo.
Weary Americans Land Ship On Bright, Promising Shores Of China #~# RIZHAO, CHINA—Harboring dreams for a better life and fleeing years of economic hardship back home, a small band of weary Americans confirmed they had completed a perilous journey across the ocean this week, landing their wooden sailing ship on the bright, promising coastline of China.
Unpopular Kid Having Trouble Fitting In At Home #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—Facing an unending string of emotional, verbal, and physical abuses from his peers, sources confirmed Monday that local youth Nathan Meserole is reportedly having considerable difficulty fitting in at his home.
Obama Delivers State Of The Union #~# President Barack Obama delivered his annual State of the Union address last night, his first since being reelected. What did you think of the speech?
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of February 13, 2013 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Completely Self-Absorbed Obama Gets Up And Just Talks For An Hour Straight #~# WASHINGTON—In a shocking display of deep self-absorption and narcissistic behavior, President Barack Obama stood up in front of the entire nation Tuesday and talked for more than an hour straight, sources confirmed.
Area Man Relieved To Hear State Of Union Still Strong #~# MONROEVILLE, PA—While watching President Obama’s annual televised address to Congress Tuesday night, local man Daniel Markell, 46, reportedly let out a sigh of relief upon hearing the president announce that the state of the union is strong. “Oh, good,” said Markell, who switched off his television and relaxed in his seat immediately after President Obama delivered the good news. “That’s nice to know.” At press time, sources had confirmed that Markell is five months behind on mortgage payments and will soon need to undergo a costly heart surgery that his insurance does not cover.
Panicked Biden Interrupts State Of The Union To Ask If Erections Can Ever Be Medical Emergency #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had a “huge honking woody that just won’t quit,” Vice President Joe Biden interrupted President Barack Obama during the State of the Union tonight, asking the commander-in-chief in a frightened voice if erections exceeding three days required emergency medical attention. “Hey, Barry, sorry to interrupt your speech, man—but is 72 hours too long for a raging boner?” said the perspiring, agitated Biden, nervously motioning to the erection. “I wasn’t complaining for the first 36 hours—and neither was she-—but this monster is gonna rip my pants at the seams. It hurts, bud. I’m in pecker purgatory over here. Should we call somebody?”At press time, Biden told Speaker of the House John Boehner that he needed to “get his bronco some shut-eye” so it could be “rodeo-ready” by the time “[wife] Jill gets home from the gym tomorrow.”
State Of The Union Preceded By Memoriam Reel Of Americans Lost In Past Year #~# WASHINGTON—Prior to President Obama’s annual State of the Union address Tuesday night, audience members in the House chamber were presented with a touching “In Memoriam” video in remembrance of all the Americans who died in 2012. “It was a fitting tribute to all those who were sadly taken away from us far too soon,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said shortly after the conclusion of the poignant video, in which photos and names of the 2.6 million deceased Americans who died in 2012 were shown one-by-one on a large screen as Judy Garland’s rendition of “Smile” played on the sound system. “We will certainly never forget their many contributions to our nation.” At press time, the segment had been heavily criticized for failing to include Layton, UT resident Jonathan Sonnen, Denver resident Sarah Kaplan, and Gore Vidal.
North Korea Conducts Nuclear Test #~# North Korea carried out a nuclear test Tuesday, possibly using a plutonium-based device that was smaller but more powerful than its previous bombs, drawing condemnation and vows of swift action from governments around the world. What do you think?
It Sure Has Been A While Since 'The Tonight Show' Did A Judge Ito Joke #~# Did anyone watch The Tonight Show the other night? Jay interviewed Seth MacFarlane and Jenna Elfman, and the usual comedy bits were sprinkled around, and I have to say it was a fine evening of viewing. And yet, something was missing. Did anyone else feel that way? Because for me it just didn't have the impact of one of the great shows they did, say,  17 or 18 years ago.
World Surrenders To North Korea #~# PYONGYANG—Following reports earlier this morning that the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea successfully conducted its third nuclear test, sources confirmed that every nation on the planet has surrendered to the mighty East Asian dictatorship.
‘The State Of The Union Is Strong,’ Says Man Responsible For Shielding Nation From Truth #~# WASHINGTON—Though presiding over a country hampered by war, an economic recession, dramatic cultural upheaval, and a partisan divide at the highest levels of government, the man responsible for shielding American citizens from reality declared tonight in his annual address to Congress that the state of the union is strong.
New Sony Nose Buds Allow Users To Blast Different Smells Into Nostrils #~# NEW YORK—Hailing the product as a revolution in smelling technology, Sony released its sleek new line of nose buds Monday, which will allow consumers to blast a variety of scents directly into their nostrils whenever and wherever they please.
LeBron James Playing Flawless Basketball In Pathetic Bid For Nation's Approval #~# MIAMI—Shooting 56 percent from the field so far this season and completing an astounding 49 of his last 65 shots, LeBron James has recently taken his game to another level in a transparent and paltry attempt to win widespread admiration, sources confirmed Tuesday. “In typical fashion, LeBron is shamelessly trying to get everyone to like him,” said ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith, who mentioned that it was “pitiful” to see James pulling publicity stunts such as improving his rebounding skills and shooting more consistently than any basketball player in history. “It’s sad enough to see him scoring points at will, but when he’s also locking down on defense, making all his teammates look better, and generally improving every facet of his game, it just looks desperate.” Smith added that at least James had toned back his pathetic antics since last season, when the 9-time all star “practically begged” for praise by winning an NBA championship.
Obama's State Of The Union Address #~# On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama will appear before a joint session of Congress and deliver his first State of the Union address since being reelected. Here is what to expect in this year’s speech:
Expansive Obama State Of The Union Speech To Touch On Patent Law, Entomology, The Films Of Robert Altman #~# WASHINGTON—In the hours leading up to President Obama’s State of the Union speech tonight, White House aides informed reporters that the president would most likely touch on a diverse and expansive array of topics, including U.S. patent law, the problem of relativism in contemporary epistemological discourse, and the works of American film director Robert Altman. “This is a crucial speech for the president, and that is exactly why he will use this as an opportunity to thoroughly address Edward Said’s theory of Orientalism while also discussing the often complex taxonomic specialization involved with various subspecies of moths and butterflies,” said White House aide Louis Fererra, who went on to add that Obama has also developed an in-depth PowerPoint slideshow to discuss motifs of modern alienation in the 1993 film Short Cuts and the advances in algorithmic complexity in computer programming. “While we know that some may disagree on the President’s views on franchising trends, Latina rites of passage, the pickling and preservation of foraged vegetables, taxes, and the Adventures of Tintin book series, we believe now is the time for our nation to begin seriously discussing these subjects.” At press time, representatives for Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) had announced the Republican response to the speech would include strongly divergent opinions on Chinese calligraphy, aquatic mammals, and the use of noise reduction filters for audio editing.
Alan Culver and Brenda Hayworth #~# Mormon couple Alan Culver, 23, and Brenda Hayworth, 21, were wed in a private ceremony Saturday, and then lost their virginities to one another in an experience more beautiful and pure than anything you will ever know.
Pope Accepts Senior Analyst Position At Catholic Think Tank #~# VATICAN CITY—Just hours after announcing his resignation from the papacy Monday, Pope Benedict XVI confirmed that he had accepted a lucrative senior analyst position at a New York–based Catholic think tank, the Westchester Institute for Ethics and the Human Person. “My years at the Vatican have been tremendously rewarding, but the time has come for me to move on to new challenges, and after interviewing for a variety of different positions, the senior analyst job at the Westchester Institute seemed like the natural next step for my career,” said the 85-year-old Benedict, whose extensive résumé reportedly begins with the line “Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of Apostles, 2005-2013.” “With my experience, I believe I can bring a unique perspective to today’s most important policy debates, whether it’s opposing homosexual behavior or denouncing the use of contraception in AIDS-stricken nations. I look forward to getting started this March.” Benedict added that he plans to maintain a good relationship with his soon-to-be former employer, just in case any worthwhile positions open up in the future.
Horse Meat Found In European 'Beef' Lasagna, Hamburgers #~# Several weeks after horse meat was found in frozen hamburgers in Irish and British supermarkets, frozen food purveyors in the U.K. and France announced the recall of lasagna and other products that contained up to 100 percent horse meat. What do you think?
Pope Benedict XVI To Resign #~# Citing his advanced age and declining health, 85-year-old Pope Benedict XVI announced today that he will step down from the papacy on the last day of February, marking the first time since 1415 that a pope has resigned from the job. What do you think?
'Walking Dead' Writers Regret Naming Every Single Character 'Rick' #~# ATLANTA—As The Walking Dead returns to AMC for the second half of its third season, writers for the popular zombie drama told reporters Monday they are beginning to regret naming absolutely all of the characters in the series “Rick.” “When we started working on that first episode, there were just a few characters, so we figured it didn’t really matter what we called them,” said showrunner Glen Mazzara, whose writing team has since expanded the show’s ensemble cast to more than 50 unique roles, including protagonist Rick Grimes, fan favorite Rick Dixon, and a mysterious, shadowy figure known only within the show’s universe as “Rick.” “As it stands, we’re juggling three seasons’ worth of characters—men, women, children, and even zombies—all of whom are referred to as ‘Rick,’ generally without a last name. Yes, it’s confusing, but what are we supposed to do at this point? Completely change the names of all the show’s characters?” Despite the show’s convoluted naming system, AMC executives have confirmed that Sunday’s midseason premiere—in which Rick and Rick rescue Rick while Rick comes to terms with his guilt over Rick’s death—garnered a record 12.3 million viewers.
Mumford And Sons Take Home Coveted 'Vest Of The Year' Grammy #~# LOS ANGELES—After weeks of speculation within the music industry, English folk-rock group Mumford and Sons took home the big prize at Sunday’s 55th Annual Grammy Awards by winning the highly coveted Vest of the Year trophy. “Wow, I don’t even know where to begin,” said lead singer Marcus Mumford, after his slim-cut russet waistcoat secured the band its third win on a night in which the quartet also collected statuettes for Watch Chain of the Year and Best New Straw Hat. “We never could have imagined it. I mean, just to have our vest nominated alongside all these other amazing vests—it’s really a dream come true.” Following Mumford and Sons’ victory in the vest category, the band narrowly missed sweeping the Grammys’ four major apparel awards after losing out to indie pop trio fun. for its upbeat, critically acclaimed suspenders.
Resigning Pope No Longer Has Strength To Lead Church Backward #~# VATICAN CITY—Citing his advancing age and deteriorating health, Pope Benedict XVI announced his resignation from the papacy Monday, saying he no longer possessed the strength and energy required to lead the Catholic Church backward.
Coworkers Brought To Place Of Unthinkable Intimacy By Team-Building Exercise #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—Visibly emotional employees at Casper-Neville Communications confirmed Monday that a 30-minute team-building exercise organized by the company’s management had instilled within them an intense solidarity, bringing the group to a place of heretofore unimaginable intimacy. “I’ve never experienced this level of closeness with anyone before, let alone my coworkers,” Daniel York, 28, said of the mandatory “synergistic decision-making simulation,” in which employees imagined they had been stranded on a desert island and were forced to rely on one another’s skills in order to survive. “After what we went through this morning, I feel comfortable sharing my vulnerabilities and deepest insecurities with everyone in this office. There is now a profound sense of camaraderie and devotion uniting us all. A bond has been forged here today that can never be broken.” Reached for comment, company management expressed confidence that its employees would accept the doubling of their workload after half the staff is laid off on Friday.
Area Man's Knee Making Weird Sound #~# Listen
X Games To Reconsider Hurtling Men 40 Feet Into Air Atop 500-Pound Machines #~# ASPEN, CO—Following the death of Caleb Moore January 31 at the Winter X Games, officials announced Monday they are reconsidering events that involve hurtling competitors 40 feet in the air atop 500-pound machines. “We’ve always insisted on the highest safety standards of events requiring participants to propel a quarter-ton all-terrain machine into the air, flipping and spinning around at 50 miles per hour,” said Scott Guglielmino, ESPN’s senior VP of programming and global X events, adding that all the potential risks of the freestyle snowmobiling event that killed Moore were sufficiently considered before condoning it as a sane thing to encourage people to attempt on national television. “The fact is, we can’t stop these athletes from pushing new boundaries within these sports. That’s their choice. We just put it on television during primetime and promote it.” Early reports indicate that freestyle snowmobiling may be removed from future Winter X Games, with the leading candidate to replace it being an event that challenges athletes to drive a gasoline-soaked tractor through a flaming loop-the-loop.
Southern Food Causes Strokes? #~# A new study has linked the highly fatty and extremely sweet foods often consumed in the American South, such as sweet tea and fried chicken and fish, with southern states’ high rates of stroke. What do you think?
Song Crafted In The Deepest Pit Of Hell Wins Big At Grammys #~# LOS ANGELES—A song forged by the Ruler of Darkness himself in the blackest bowels of the accursed underworld proved to be the big winner at the 55th Annual Grammy Awards Sunday, taking home an impressive six of the music industry’s top honors, including Song of the Year and Best Pop Solo Performance. “This was a huge night for [the fallen angel Lucifer],” said E! Online reporter Alyssa Toomey, praising the three-minute single formed from the Wicked One’s own acidic bile and the tortured shrieks of the eternally damned, which was spewed forth from the ninth circle of Hell last year and spent 10 weeks at number one on the Billboard Hot 100. “It was a great show all around, but at the end of the evening it was all about [the Great Deceiver, Father of Lies]. Make no mistake, [the King of the Bottomless Pit] has still got it.” The infernal track of pure evil capped its amazing night with a victory in the show’s most coveted category, Record of the Year, beating out five other songs also produced by Satan.
All 32 NFL Teams Eagerly Lining Up For Chance To Sign Randy Moss, Reports Randy Moss #~# SAN FRANCISCO—With NFL free agency looming, every team across the league is gearing up to compete for coveted star wide receiver Randy Moss, wide receiver Randy Moss reported Saturday. “After leading the 49ers to the Super Bowl with yet another stellar season, Randy Moss is going to be the hottest free agent pickup of 2013,” said Moss, adding that the San Francisco front office will do their utmost to re-sign the 35-year-old wideout, but will face incredibly stiff competition from the other 31 NFL franchises. “Teams are already clearing cap space and making room on their roster just in case they have a shot at landing Moss. He’s far and away the best receiver in the league, so frankly even the slightest prospect of signing him is enough to have every GM excited.”
Singers Told Not To Bare Breasts, Buttocks At Grammys #~# Recording artists attending the 55th Grammy Awards on Sunday have been given a “wardrobe advisory” by broadcaster CBS, requiring them to ensure their wardrobes “adequately cover” their breasts and buttocks. What do you think?
Congressional High Priest Concocts Farm Subsidy Bill In Legislative Cauldron #~# WASHINGTON—Participating in a time-honored legislative ceremony that dates back centuries, the U.S. Congress reportedly convened in a secret session last night, meeting with elder conjurer of law High Priest Rothkarin to concoct a new federal farm bill.
Report: Authorities Recommend The Film ‘You've Got Mail’ For Those Snowed In Today #~# WASHINGTON—With a major winter storm predicted to dump as much as 30 inches of snow across the northeastern United States this weekend, officials at the National Weather Service issued an urgent bulletin Friday recommending the 1998 Tom Hanks–Meg Ryan romantic comedy You’ve Got Mail to anyone confined to their homes by the inclement weather. “Given widespread whiteout conditions on roadways and potentially historic snow accumulations across the region, we are urging citizens to stay inside and wait out this storm curled up on the couch watching the charming and endearing tale of an anonymous email courtship between two unsuspecting business rivals,” said National Weather Service director Louis Uccellini, adding that the agency had posted a list of Redbox locations and links to the movie’s Amazon Instant Video download page on the agency’s website. “Since blizzard conditions are likely to persist through Saturday night in many locations, disaffected citizens should not hesitate to watch this classic rom-com a second time, especially the heartwarming climactic scene when Joe comes into the park walking his dog Brinkley and Kathleen realizes he was the one she’d been corresponding with all along.” Uccellini added that he and FEMA director W. Craig Fugate had already begun emergency talks with TBS to begin delivering a much-needed Nora Ephron movie marathon to those in the hardest-hit areas.
Baseball's Biggest Offseason Moves #~# With a flurry of trades and free agent signings across the league this offseason, Onion Sports analysts examine Major League Baseball’s most significant moves.
Sweating Obama Admits Drone Strikes Have Been Happening On Their Own #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking at a hastily called White House press conference Friday, a visibly tense and perspiring President Barack Obama confessed that the United States’ fleet of roughly 700 armed drones have been conducting airstrikes entirely on their own for the past several years. “Look, I’m just going to come clean here: Every single U.S. drone currently deployed has been selecting and bombing targets without any guidance from military officials on the ground,” a trembling Obama told reporters, admitting that he last authorized a drone attack in 2010, and that recent strikes in Pakistan, Yemen, and most perplexingly, the Philippines, have been planned and executed entirely by the unmanned combat air vehicles themselves. “I’ll admit that the extensive use of drone aircraft was something my administration readily embraced, but we’ve lost all contact with these things, and as it stands now, we have no idea who or what is controlling them—or if they’re even being controlled at all. Jesus, these things are terrifying. We need to shut them down before it’s too late!” At press time, all the blood had reportedly drained from Obama’s face and he stood stock-still as a faint whirring noise could be heard high above the White House briefing room.
Pitchers And Catchers Report To Spring Training For Delousing #~# PHOENIX—In preparation for the fast approaching 2013 MLB preseason, the league’s pitchers and catchers reported to spring training for their annual delousing, sources confirmed Friday. “Every spring, we make sure to give these guys a lice shampoo treatment, a rigorous once-over with a steel comb to get at any nits, and destroy their infected uniforms and caps,” Milwaukee Brewers head athletic trainer Dan Wright told reporters while applying a thick, full-body lather to reliever John Axford and battery-mate Jonathan Lucroy. “It’s a long offseason, and sometimes our pitchers and catchers pick up a little something that you don’t want them bringing into the clubhouse. This procedure ensures that they start spring training clean, happy, and healthy.” According to league sources, the MLB has required all ball clubs to thoroughly delouse their pitchers and catchers since 2006, when Oakland A’s backstop Jason Kendall was responsible for an outbreak of pubic lice that spread like wildfire throughout the American League.
Edwin Baines #~# Edwin Baines, 84, died in bed, but not before making a scary face that would frighten his wife Beth.
Monopoly To Replace Iron Game Piece With Cat #~# Hasbro announced that the least popular Monopoly game piece, the iron, would be removed from the board game and replaced with a cat, which beat out other potential new tokens—a guitar, a robot, a diamond ring, and a helicopter—in an online vote. What do you think?
Target Demographic Growing Up Right Before Wistful Advertiser's Eyes #~# NEW YORK—Wiping a tear from the corner of his eye Thursday as he reviewed Nielsen ratings and various market performance indicators, advertising executive Mark Gosserman wistfully recalled how his clients’ target demographic of middle-class consumers with disposable income had grown up right before his very eyes. “It seems like just yesterday they were eager 18- to 34-year-olds with robust entertainment and apparel consumption habits who represented over $200 billion per year in direct purchasing power,” the emotional executive said, growing nostalgic as he watched a brand-driven television commercial featuring a celebrity endorser and a contemporary pop song that his target audience used to love. “Now look at them—all grown up and watching 143 hours of television per month. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time to when I was still aggressively marketing mobile devices and energy drinks to them.” Gosserman added that he looked forward to seeing the market segment mature until reaching 50-plus years old, after which his firm would ignore them altogether.
It Wouldn't Surprise You If This Headline Was About 318 People Being Shot In 12 Different Public Places #~# THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA—Numerous sources confirmed today that it would not shock you in the slightest if this newspaper article was about 12 isolated mass shootings occurring across the country this afternoon that together left 318 people either wounded or dead.
Northeast Braces For Historic Blizzard #~# Widespread power outages and travel disruptions are expected from a massive nor’easter that is projected to bring up to two feet of snow in Boston and nearly a foot of snow in New York City starting tomorrow. What do you think?
American Citizens Split On DOJ Memo Authorizing Government To Kill Them #~# WASHINGTON—Following the release of a secret Department of Justice memo this week that outlines the administration’s legal justification for killing U.S. citizens, a new Pew Research Center poll has revealed that a majority of Americans are torn over whether they support the government’s right to kill them anywhere at any time without due process. “On the one hand, I get it—it’s important for the government to be able to murder me and any of my friends or family members whenever they please for reputed national security reasons. But on the other hand, it would kind of be nice to stay alive and have, maybe, a trial, actual evidence—stuff like that,” said visibly conflicted 39-year-old Nashua, NH resident Rebecca Sawyer, who, like millions of other Americans, is split over whether secret federal agents should be allowed to target and assassinate her anywhere on U.S. soil. “I wouldn’t mind if federal officials blew up other citizens and claimed it was in the name of my safety. But it’s just that when it comes to me, I guess I’d rather not be slaughtered by my own elected officials on charges that never have to be validated by any accountable authority. This is tough.” While most Americans expressed conflicted feelings regarding the memo, the poll also found that 28 percent of citizens were unequivocally in favor of being obliterated at any point, for any reason, in a massive airstrike.
US Postal Service To End Saturday Mail Delivery #~# The U.S. Postal Service announced this week that it would discontinue regular mail delivery on Saturdays, a move officials say will save the struggling agency $2 billion per year. Here are other measures the post office is taking to balance its budget:
Photojournalist Spends Month In Oval Office Blind To Capture Images Of Obama In Natural Habitat #~# WASHINGTON—Determined to create the definitive visual document of President Obama in his natural environs, award-winning photojournalist Bradlee Stoughton has reportedly staked out the Oval Office for the past month while concealed in a small camouflaged blind. “I spotted the noble and majestic president of the United States this morning perched regally in his chair, but the light wasn’t good enough to shoot,” Stoughton said Thursday, adding that he was initially disheartened after spending the first 10 days in the cramped blind without getting a single shot of the elusive commander-in-chief, who was away on an extended overseas diplomatic trip. “Still, I got a great photo of the magnificent creature threatening North Korea—a significant predator—via executive order, and a stunning panoramic shot of him and his mate tending to their young. It was breathtaking.” Stoughton remarked that he hopes his finished project will prove as important as Alfred Eisenstaedt’s Pulitzer-winning 1971 photo series of President Nixon cornering a chipmunk and viciously tearing it apart.
Hungover Energy Secretary Wakes Up Next To Solar Panel #~# WASHINGTON—Sources have reported that following a long night of carousing at a series of D.C. watering holes, Energy Secretary Steven Chu awoke Thursday morning to find himself sleeping next to a giant solar panel he had met the previous evening. “Oh, Christ, what the hell did I do last night?” Chu is said to have muttered to himself while clutching his aching head and grimacing at the partially blanketed 18-square-foot photovoltaic solar module whose manufacturer he was reportedly unable to recall. “This is bad. I really need to stop doing this. I’ve got to get this thing out of here before my wife gets home.” According to sources, Chu’s encounter with the crystalline-silicon solar receptor was his most regrettable dalliance since 2009, when an extended fling with a 90-foot wind turbine nearly ended his marriage.
Horribly Depressed Zookeeper Has Always Had Special Connection With Animals #~# TULSA, OK—Saying that he has always perceived a “unique connection,” chronically depressed zookeeper Andrew Holcomb, 46, told reporters Wednesday that he shares a deep and special bond with the animals confined in his zoo.
North Korean Propaganda Video Shows Bombed U.S. City #~# In a brief YouTube video posted by the North Korean government, a sleeping citizen is depicted dreaming about the country’s space technology and envisioning New York City aflame after a missile attack, all while an instrumental version of the song “We Are The World” plays in the background. What do you think?
Boy Scouts To Try Out Single Gay 12-Year-Old Before Making Decision #~# IRVING, TX—As the organization considers lifting its national ban on gay members, the Boy Scouts of America announced today it would make its final decision following the three-month trial membership of a single 12-year-old homosexual boy, Corey Lenivan of Lakeville, MN.
Post Office Ending Saturday Mail Delivery #~# Aiming to save $2 billion a year, the financially struggling U.S. Postal Service announced today that it would discontinue regular mail delivery on Saturdays beginning in August. What do you think?
Obama Blanks On What He's Ineffectually Urging Congress To Take Action On Now #~# WASHINGTON—While speaking to the White House press corps Wednesday, President Barack Obama is reported to have completely blanked on which issue he was ineffectually urging Congress to act on at the moment. “It is vitally important that our nation’s lawmakers do the job that they were elected to do, and make it a top priority to, uh, to…well, hmm,” said Obama, nervously tapping his fingers on the lectern as he frantically tried to recall whether he was making a wholly unproductive and effectively meaningless call for legislative action on global warming, gun control, immigration reform, budget compromise, or green energy. “It’s a, um, very important issue, I know that. Uh. Jeez.” After standing silently in front of the audience for several uncomfortable moments, Obama reportedly reprimanded Congress for its lack of cooperation and then walked out of the room.
Postal Service: 'And Wait Until You Cocksuckers See What We Do With Wednesdays' #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread dissatisfaction regarding the U.S. Postal Service’s newly announced plans to discontinue Saturday mail delivery service, Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe told reporters this afternoon that the nation had better hold onto their dicks, because they’re going to absolutely lose their shit when they find out what the government agency has in store for Wednesdays. “You think limited weekend delivery is bad—you assholes don’t even know what’s coming,” said Donahoe, adding that Americans will literally shit their pants when the USPS reveals its upcoming fucking insane changes to midweek delivery schedules. “I hate to say it, but you motherfuckers brought this on yourselves. Time and time again we gave you the chance to send letters and parcels via the U.S. Postal Service, but you told us to shove it up our asses, and now you’re fucked.” Donahoe added that if Americans decide to finally nut up and mail some fucking letters, they know where the mailbox is.
PR Firm Advises U.S. To Cut Ties With Alabama #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of protecting the nation’s global image, consultants from the public relations firm of Hill & Knowlton have advised the United States to begin distancing itself from the state of Alabama as soon as possible, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Queen Elizabeth II To Wed Longtime Partner Following Passage Of Gay Marriage Bill #~# LONDON—Following the House of Commons’ passage Tuesday of a bill that paves the way for same-sex marriage in Britain, Queen Elizabeth II publicly announced her plans to marry her longtime partner, 63-year-old Denise Whitelock, as soon as the law goes into effect. “After more than 30 years of sharing a committed and loving partnership, I am absolutely thrilled that Denise and I are finally able to seal our union in marriage,” said the reigning British monarch in a press release, speaking on behalf of her partner, a retired dog breeder, with whom she lives part-time in a Kensington Garden flat. “Marriage is something we’ve both wanted for a very long time, but never had an opportunity to pursue because of the unequal and antiquated marriage laws of this country. We’re delighted that the government finally took this important step forward, and we couldn’t be happier to announce our official engagement.” The Queen also informed members of the press that, as this was her second marriage, she and Denise had decided to hold a low-key ceremony with close friends and family.
Doomed Rabbit To Teach 8-Year-Old About Responsibility #~# BEDFORD, MA—According to sources within the Bennett household, a short-haired and utterly doomed rabbit named Oreo was recently purchased in order to teach the family’s 8-year-old son, Toby, about patience and responsibility.
Lindsay Morgan #~# Lindsay Morgan, 20, literally died when she saw how fugly she looked in her new catering job’s mandatory white-on-white uniform.
Ellen Van Handel #~# Ellen Van Handel, 77, passed away at home just like she always wanted, plus she couldn’t afford to die in the hospital.
Staff Of New Thai Restaurant Desperately Hoping Area Couple Will Try Eating There Sometime #~# RICHMOND, VA—Speaking with reporters Tuesday, staff members of local Thai restaurant Lemongrass expressed their earnest hope that area couple Eric Barstow and Jennifer Dumont would notice the newly opened establishment and mention aloud to one another their desire to try eating there sometime. “All we want is for Eric and Jen to pause on the sidewalk, mention how they haven’t seen this place before, and then spend a few moments looking at the menu in our window and pointing out a few items they think sound good,” said waitress Bua Nantakarn, who also noted her and her colleagues’ fervent wish that Dumont peek through one of the eatery’s windows and comment that it looked cute inside. “And we’re really hoping they remark on how they haven’t had Thai in a while before pledging to give us a shot at some indefinite point in the future. That would really mean so much to us.” At press time, cashier Ditaka Chartpong had nervously exited the restaurant and gazed up and down the street for some sign of the couple.
Canada Begins Phasing Out Pennies #~# With each penny costing roughly 1.6 cents to create and distribute, the Royal Canadian Mint stopped placing one-cent coins into circulation Monday, prompting Canadian retailers to begin rounding prices for all cash purchases to the nearest nickel. What do you think?
Dell Acquired By Gateway 2000 In Merger Of 2 Biggest Names In Computer Technology #~# Tech Juggernaut Poised To Take On Mega-Rival Compaq
Beyoncé, Destiny's Child Album Sales Surge After Super Bowl #~# Online sales of Beyoncé’s albums have leapt 230 percent since her well-received Super Bowl halftime show Sunday, while digital record sales for her former group Destiny’s Child, with whom she reunited during the performance, have soared 600 percent. What do you think?
Torrent Of Soap Issues From Wildly Unexpected Part Of Dispenser #~# LIMA, OH—A wall-mounted soap dispenser in the men’s bathroom of Rigali’s Pizza Village reportedly startled local resident Sam Milsom on Monday night, discharging a copious jet of soap from an entirely unexpected location.
Look, I'm Just Going To Say It: I Collect Antique Nazi Memorabilia #~# As I begin my second term as president, I am honored to continue to serve this great country as we tackle the myriad problems that face us in the 21st century. We are a resilient nation, and I think we can meet these problems with swiftness and vigor. I look forward to helping us do just that in my second term.
Report: Peanut Butter Contains Traces Of Rat Feces But Life’s Weird Like That Sometimes #~# WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the Food and Drug Administration stated that the majority of peanut butter sold in the United States contains trace amounts of rat feces, but that, hey, life can be weird like that sometimes and you’ve just got to take it as it comes. “Laboratory testing shows that most commercially available peanut butter includes measurable quantities of rat excrement, with some popular brands exhibiting alarmingly high concentrations, but, you know, that’s kind of how things work out from time to time, and hey, you just gotta roll with the punches, you know?” read the report in part, which went on to explain that the agency had declined to issue a recall of the products because, well, sometimes life throws you a curveball and there’s nothing else to do but take a swing. “While fecal matter from rats and other vermin frequently bears infectious agents ranging from mild bacterial strains to potentially fatal hantavirus pathogens, isn’t that just like life, in a way? I mean, if you think about it, we’re all stuck on this crazy blue rock together, and deadly volumes of rat feces or no, you just gotta enjoy the ride.” The FDA’s findings follow on the heels of a report last year indicating that the popular cholesterol-lowering drug Zocor causes profuse and irremediable gastrointestinal bleeding in nearly one-third of patients and yet, don’t you just have to love the fact that every day is different and life is an adventure?
Goodell: 'I'd Definitely Let My Son Ruin Football' #~# NEW YORK—In response to accusations that his policies are hurting the game of football, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told CBS’s Face the Nation Sunday that he would have no problem letting his own son ruin the sport. “If my son wanted to make a series of catastrophic rule changes that destroy everything people enjoy about football, there’s no question: Yes, I would let him do that,” said Goodell, who argued that the value of defiling an American tradition far outweighs the risk of public backlash. “I myself have been ruining football for almost seven years, and nothing in my life has been more rewarding. I certainly would want my son to have the same opportunity to mangle and dilute the game that I did.” Goodell added that, unfortunately, his two children are both girls, which means neither can ever be NFL commissioner.
5-Year-Old Alabama Boy Misses Fun 'Bunker Grandpa' #~# MIDLAND CITY, AL—Hours after an FBI raid freed him from the underground bunker where he had been held hostage for six days, 5-year-old Alabama boy Ethan told reporters that he already misses his fun, super-cool Bunker Grandpa. “Bunker Grandpa let me stay up all night and do whatever I want!” Ethan said Monday night, adding that he couldn’t wait to tell all his friends at school about getting to spend a week playing in an “awesome underground playhouse with [his] new best friend.” “He said I never had to go to school again, and as long as I was real quiet, he let me eat Skittles for dinner every night! I love Bunker Pop-Pop.” Ethan stated that the best part of the experience was when the 65-year-old kidnapper let him see a real gun “way up close.”
Baltimore Looking For Safer City To Host Super Bowl Parade #~# UPDATE: Ravens Super Bowl Parade Marred By Floatjacking
Photo Of Obama Shooting Gun Stirs Controversy #~# To corroborate President Barack Obama’s recent assertion that he shoots clay pigeons “all the time” when he visits Camp David, the White House tweeted a photograph of the president firing a shotgun that has drawn considerable scrutiny. What do you think?
Company Posts Job Listing As If Position Not Already Filled By Existing Employee's Friend #~# WALTHAM, MA—Software developer WebTek Network Solutions went ahead and posted a listing for a job this morning as if the purportedly open position hadn’t already been promised to a friend of one the company’s current employees, sources confirmed Monday. “Seeking full-time sales rep for rapidly growing software business,” reads the Monster.com listing, as though the company were actively seeking a qualified individual to fill the position and hadn’t already informally hired a college roommate of WebTek associate marketing director Jeff Corbett. “Desired candidate must be energetic self-starter willing to expand client base in multiple targeted growth sectors. We offer comprehensive benefits, telecommuting opportunities, and a highly competitive base salary + bonuses. Starts immediately.” At press time, WebTek’s human resources manager had reportedly called five leading applicants to set up in-person interviews for the nonexistent position.
Bones Of King Richard III Found Beneath Parking Lot #~# Human remains found beneath a parking lot in the English city of Leicester were identified as those of King Richard III, who was widely reviled for murdering those who stood in his way and who died in battle in 1485. What do you think?
Ex-Sniper Shot Dead After Surviving Years In Harrowing United States #~# GLEN ROSE, TX—Tragedy struck on Saturday as famed former sniper Chris Kyle reportedly was shot and killed at a local gun range, marking a bitter end to the life of a renowned Navy SEAL who had survived long, brutal years in the hellish landscape of the United States. “This man endured countless risks and witnessed indescribable horrors during his extended time in America, but in the end, his luck just ran out,” Glen Rose Police Department spokesman James Alvarez said of Kyle, whose shooting death was just one of hundreds of senseless acts of violence recorded in the United States so far this year. “Unfortunately, life here is cruel and unpredictable. Chris’ death is a reminder of that.” Alvarez added that though Kyle’s death is tragic, he hoped it would serve to convince people that it is “high time” all Americans were pulled out of the United States of America entirely.
'Well, That Was Cool,' Say Archaeologists Before Dumping Bones Of King Richard III Back Into Hole #~# LEICESTER, ENGLAND—After authenticating a skeleton exhumed from a parking lot in Northern England as that of British monarch King Richard III, researchers at the University of Leicester agreed that the find was “pretty cool” before tossing the remains back into the ground and heading home. “Okay, well, that’s that—anyone want to keep one of these bones before I dump them?” said lead archaeologist Richard Buckley moments prior to dumping a bucket full of the well-preserved Plantagenet King’s remains into a hole in the ground and brushing the dirt off his hands. “Everybody good? Okay. I’m glad we did this. This was fun.” According to members of the research team, they planned on keeping a small sample of dirt from the gravesite “as a little keepsake.”
'Hägar The Horrible' Cartoonist Expected More For 40th Anniversary #~# SIOUX FALLS, SD—Hägar The Horrible cartoonist Chris Browne admitted Thursday that he was disappointed with the lack of attention his syndicated comic received on its 40th anniversary. “It’s not like I was expecting to be on the cover of TIME or anything—but would a little feature in USA Today with a headline like ‘America’s Favorite Viking Turns 40’ have killed anyone?” said Browne, who has been writing and illustrating the strip since the retirement of his father, Dik Browne, who created it in 1973. “Or maybe Google could have had Snert the dog barking out their logo. I don’t know. Something.” Browne said he plans to get “plenty of coverage” for the 41st anniversary by penning a storyline in which Hägar returns home to find his village burned and his family raped and murdered.
China Chokes Under Toxic Smog #~# Beijing has struggled with record air pollution this year, which has blotted out the sun, grounded flights, and affected the health and quality of life of millions. Here are some measures that China is taking to deal with the thick smog: 
Ravens Win Best Team At 2013 Super Bowl Awards #~# NEW ORLEANS—In a star-studded gala hosted by James Brown, the Baltimore Ravens were honored for their distinctive achievement in the football industry Sunday, winning Best Team at the 2013 Super Bowl Awards. “It’s really so incredible to take home the Lombardi for Best Team,” said tearful Ravens head coach John Harbaugh, who also received the Best Original Score award for “34,” and Best Adapted Screen Play based on a 1999 pass by Andy Reid. “I want to thank everyone involved in making this team, the other nominees, as well as the voters at the Academy of Football Arts and Sciences.” Though the Ravens won 14 different awards, including Best Hair and Makeup for linebacker Ray Lewis, the 49ers Alex Smith was also honored with Best Actor in a Supporting Role for his disturbing and gut-wrenching portrayal of San Francisco backup quarterback Alex Smith.
Young Americans Fueling Nation’s Yogurt Craze #~# While overall dairy consumption has remained consistent, yogurt sales in the United States have more than doubled since 2001, a nationwide craze that has been driven largely by those aged 18 to 34. What do you think?
PETA Protests Use Of Animatronic Animals In Commercials #~# NORFOLK, VA—Animal rights organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) blasted the American advertising industry this week for use of eerily realistic robotic wildlife that confuse animal activists. "Protecting the safety and dignity of animals is becoming increasingly difficult due to the mechanical impostors used in high-budget nationally televised commercials," said PETA spokesperson Aileen Ross, noting that animatronic animals have no labels or signs marking them as fake. "Our members recently wasted two weeks protesting the exploitation of a bongo-playing manatee, never realizing it was just a puppet created to advertise an insurance company. Just today, I viewed a particularly egregious ad involving a talking chimpanzee and a horse that frankly, still has me confused as to whether they're real or not." At press time, reports are coming in that six PETA members have been arrested for liberating a team of robotic surfing mice from a commercial studio set.
Phil Simms Spends Super Bowl Broadcast Talking Up New Orleans Sex Trade #~# NEW ORLEANS—While announcing Sunday’s Super Bowl XLVII matchup between the Ravens and the 49ers, CBS sportscaster Phil Simms reportedly spent the majority of the championship broadcast praising New Orleans’ burgeoning sex trade. “You know, Jim, every time we make our way down to The Big Easy, I am consistently impressed by the professionalism, flexibility, and general hospitality displayed by the sex workers of this fine city,” said Simms during the first quarter of Sunday’s championship game, effusively praising New Orleans’ “accommodating” and “spunky” prostitutes as co-announcer Jim Nantz frantically attempted to shift the conversation to Baltimore’s run defense. “And talk about variety! One girl, two girls, black, Asian, elderly: whatever you want, wherever you want. I tell you, we’ve had such a great time in this town, it’s really going to be tough to say goodbye.” According to viewers of the Super Bowl telecast, Simms then went on to describe in graphic detail the “bargain” anilingus session he had enjoyed that morning, ultimately forcing producers to cut his microphone.
Ray Lewis Crying Over Embarrassing Spectacle He's Become #~# NEW ORLEANS—After completing the final game of his career Sunday, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was openly crying on national television over what a humiliating spectacle he’s become. “God, look at me! Look at all these people crawling over one another to get a shot of me weeping like this,” a blubbering Lewis told reporters. “And to think grown men back home might be getting emotional about all this, too. Oh jeez, this is just the worst. I’m the worst.” Stay tuned for more updates as the embarrassing and shameful spectacle that Lewis has become carries over into the locker room, the postgame press conference, and the majority of the next week.
Super Bowl Party Host Screams At Guests For Lackluster First-Half Snacking #~# CHICAGO—Blasting the group’s “absolutely pathetic” first-half snacking effort, Super Bowl party host Glenn Warren reportedly flew into a wild rage Sunday, screaming at guests to start munching with some intensity. “Come on, we’re getting crushed out there—we only racked up 44 chips in the first half,” said Warren, who sources confirmed was angrily pacing up and down the living room. “I want to see four or five people swarming to the dip. On the last drive, not even one of you touched the damn guacamole. We need to make our presence felt and really hit that veggie platter. It’s crunch time.” At press time, Warren was frantically yelling at guests to jump on a loose cheese ball.
Harbaugh Boys Miss Super Bowl While Attempting To Solve Mystery Of Smugglers Cove #~# NEW ORLEANS—Tied up with their efforts to crack their most intriguing case yet, sources confirmed Sunday that the Harbaugh Boys missed the first half of Super Bowl XLVII while attempting to solve The Mystery of Smugglers Cove.
Hometown Wistfully Toured Via Google Street View #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Eleven years after last walking through his hometown, 29-year-old local man Paul Brundage reportedly spent the entire evening Friday revisiting his childhood neighborhood in Decatur, IL using the Google Maps Street View feature. “Looks like that tree I always liked to climb is gone now,” said Brundage, sitting alone in his home office and slowly clicking through the panoramic images on his computer screen to retrace what was for six years the daily route he took between his childhood home and his elementary school. “I guess they got a new playground. And that market where I used to buy candy after school is a cell phone store now. Huh. I guess it has been a long time.” Sources confirmed Brundage later sat motionless for 40 minutes while staring at the house his high school girlfriend’s family moved out of eight years ago.
Terrible Artist Thinks Latest Piece Really Represents A Culmination Of Everything He’s Been Working Toward All His Life #~# BURLINGTON, VT—Citing a lifetime of deep commitment to the creative process, profoundly untalented painter Todd Reese told reporters Saturday that his newest mixed-media piece is the inevitable culmination of a decades-long period of artistic growth. “In Hand Of God #8, you can definitely see the evolution of my entire body of work over the years in terms of both technique and theme—or mode and motif, if you will,” said the remarkably hackneyed Reese, 56, who reportedly funneled his “entire philosophy of art, as both a craft and a commentary” into the garishly colored, not particularly original, and ultimately forgettable oil painitng. “People who want to know what my whole life has been about really only need to look at this.” Reese concluded his assessment by stating that, given his breakthrough on this work, he may finally be ready to embark upon a long-planned video art project for which he has absolutely no qualifications or training.
Depressed Groundhog Sees Shadow Of Rodent He Once Was #~# PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—According to sources, clinically depressed groundhog and weather prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil awoke from his slumber this early morning, peered directly into his soul, and saw but a mere pathetic shadow of the rodent he once was. “My God, is this who I am now? Is this what I’ve become?” the melancholy animal told reporters, staring hopelessly out onto the pale morning light outside his pen. “There was a time when my world was spring eternal, bright and without gloom. But that was a lifetime ago, I’m afraid.” The downcast rodent then sighed, lifted himself from his urine-soaked confines, and mustered the strength to perform his “little song and dance” for excited locals.
China Hacks 'New York Times,' 'Wall Street Journal' #~# The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal announced that hackers in China had stolen reporters’ passwords, accessed email accounts, and used malware to gain entry to the newspapers’ computer networks. What do you think?
Couple Going At It Like Tired, Sexually Incompetent Rabbits #~# NORTHAMPTON, MA—Following a long day of work and domestic drudgery, local husband and wife Gene and Brenda Nussbaum are reportedly going at it like a pair of exhausted, sexually inept rabbits. According to sources close to the perpetually tired pair, the two are really going to town on each other like a couple of resigned, sexually incompetent love bunnies who haven’t had sex in weeks. Having listlessly initiated the bout of coitus, sources confirmed Gene Nussbaum is frantically humping his wife like a short-of-breath young buck who at any moment could lose his erection, while Brenda is passively awaiting her husband’s orgasm like a fatigued, sexually disinterested cat in heat. At press time, following Gene’s stunted ejaculation, the Nussbaums were reportedly watching television and eating pretzels like there’s no tomorrow.
Hillary Clinton Opens Chili's Franchise Just Outside Of Washington, D.C. #~# HERNDON, VA—After officially ending her tenure as Secretary of State on Friday, Hillary Clinton wasted no time in moving on to the next stage of her career by opening a new Chili’s franchise location in the metro Washington area, sources reported. “I am absolutely thrilled with this exciting new opportunity to generate income and take control of my future by partnering with an established brand like Chili’s,” the former two-term senator told reporters while ushering customers through the door of her new restaurant, which she licensed from Chili’s for an initial franchise fee of $45,000. “It’s simple—they supply the space and the on-site training, you provide the opening cost, and soon enough you’ve got money rolling in. Of course, as operator of this location, my job is to stay true to Chili’s standards by providing great service, a great atmosphere, and great Tex-Mex cuisine that everyone in the Herndon community can enjoy.” While Clinton said she plans to focus on her current franchise moving forward, sources close to the former secretary say she may in fact have aspirations to become a multi-unit operator.
Anquan Boldin #~# Strength: Never shatters Joe Flacco’s confidence by telling him what he actually thinks; Great guy to have in the locker room if you need to borrow shampoo or cologne; Gets separation from speedy defensive backs by running very slowly; Can catch wobbly, piece of shit that Flacco calls a fucking pass
Joe Flacco #~# Strength: Teammates; Complete lack of control of arm strength and accuracy make conditions for lucky throws perfect; Does pretty hilarious impression of a quarterback
Ed Reed #~# Strength: One of last few remaining ball hawks in United States; Highly prepared player who constantly studies film to memorize an opposing team’s color schemes; Lures quarterbacks into throwing interceptions by loudly shouting, “I’m wide open”
Ray Lewis #~# Strength: Antler-based; Natural birthmarks under eyes save a ton of money on face paint; Remains cool and collected in high-pressure environments like Super Bowls or witness stands;  No problem wrapping up big backs, bringing them to the ground, and ripping out the entrails
John Harbaugh #~# Strength: Marginally less of an asshole than his asshole brother; Incredibly mobile on the sideline; Received better genetic balance between his father’s competitiveness and his mother’s ability not to whine and tantrum and throw fits
Aldon Smith #~# Strength: Has no problem with slamming into another human being as hard as he possibly can; Plays four games a year against the Rams and Cardinals offensive lines
Patrick Willis #~# Strength: Considered a very good football player, which is expected to help at the Super Bowl; Inside linebacker position makes him privy to all the latest linebacking information before anyone else
Michael Crabtree #~# Strength: Great height, solid width, spectacular volume, and better-than-average circumference; Always maintains composure after a big drop; Only needs to try for one more year before huge contract
Colin Kaepernick #~# Strength: Lack of NFL experience still allows him capacity to move, use brain; Tattoos of realistic muscle definition make arms look huge; Uncanny ability to take advantage of someone being injured and steal their career
Jim Harbaugh #~# Strength: Army of large men who will do whatever he says; Innovative play screamer;  One of the NFL’s best at picking quarterbacks, unpicking quarterbacks, picking other quarterbacks
Onion Sports' Guide To Super Bowl XLVII #~# Onion Sports provides in-depth analysis of X key people involved in Super Bowl XLVII:
Smitten Man Can’t Believe Woman He’s On Date With Also Into The Beatles #~# NEW YORK—In an astonishing coincidence of aligning personal interests, local 29-year-old Brad Holdtman reported last night that his 28-year-old blind date Pauline Geary is, just like him, a fan of the rock band the Beatles. “During dinner we started talking about music, and I happened to mention that I like the Beatles, and then—what are the odds?—she told me she likes the Beatles, too,” an astonished Holdtman told reporters, shaking his head in delighted surprise. “I couldn’t believe it! And not only is she a fan, she’s actually familiar with a lot of the songs that were never hit singles, like “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” and “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.” She’s even into that big medley at the end of Abbey Road, which is one of my favorite Beatles recordings ever. Amazing!” At press time, Holdtman had spoken on the phone with Geary and was shocked to discover that she also enjoys both part one and part two of The Godfather.
Nation Happily Reassured That ExxonMobil Made Profits Of $44.9 Billion In 2012 #~# 'Thank God!' Relieved Citizens Report
Jonathan Franzen Rushes Over To Guy On Subway Reading 'The Corrections' To Introduce Himself #~# NEW YORK—After noticing a fellow passenger reading his critically acclaimed 2001 novel The Corrections on an uptown-bound 1 train, sources reported author Jonathan Franzen excitedly rushed over to the reader to shake his hand and introduce himself. “Hi, I’m Jonathan!” said the giddy 53-year-old American novelist as he bent down to retrieve groceries from a woman’s bag that he had knocked over in his frantic dash to intercept the reader. “Sorry to bother you, but I just saw that you’re reading The Corrections. I wrote that book! God, it’s so cool that you’re reading it. Do you like it? Hey, any chance you’d like to hang out sometime?” According to sources, Franzen spent the remainder of the train ride staring directly into the fellow passenger’s eyes with a large grin on his face.
Super Bowl Blood Test Reveals Jim, John Harbaugh Have Different Fathers #~# NEW ORLEANS—In a stunning revelation, doctors announced at a press conference Thursday that mandatory Super Bowl blood testing proved that head coaches Jim and John Harbaugh do not share the same father. “The Paternity Index from our DNA profiling analysis shows conclusive evidence that Jack Harbaugh is John’s father, but Jim is in fact the product of a relationship between his mother and another man,” said Dr. Gabriel Hosea, adding that the identity of the man in question “will not be made public at this current juncture.” “I have already informed the Harbaughs, and while this was obviously shocking news to members of their family, we simply ask that you respect their privacy during this difficult time.” At press time, sources within the 49ers organization confirmed that Jim Harbaugh had just left New Orleans to seek out his real father.
Hillary Clinton's Last Day As Secretary Of State #~# Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will step down today after four years on the job and hand over the reins of U.S. foreign policy to retiring senator John Kerry. What do you think?
Injured Andrew Bynum Starting To Wonder If He’ll Ever Waste His Talent Again #~# PHILADELPHIA—Following yet another season-ending knee surgery, Philadelphia 76ers center Andrew Bynum openly wondered Sunday if he will ever have the chance to completely waste his talent on a basketball court again. “I’m beginning to worry that, with all these injuries, I won’t be able to get back out there and completely squander all of my abilities,” said Bynum, admitting that his chronic knee issues could potentially prevent him from ever fully underutilizing his God-given athletic gifts. “It’s just frustrating because I know that if I’m healthy I can definitely live up to one-tenth of my potential. I just have to be patient and diligent with my rehab so I can one day throw away another opportunity to become the best center in the league.” Reached for comment, Bynum’s orthopedic surgeon Dr. David Altchek told reporters he is confident Bynum will recover in time to fritter away his wealth of natural talent at the start of next season.
Mark #~# Mark died.
Vernon Wells Unsure How He'll Fit In With Aging, Overpaid Yankees #~# NEW YORK—Following his blockbuster move from the Los Angeles Angels, outfielder Vernon Wells admitted Thursday that he is apprehensive about fitting in with his new teammates on the aging, overpaid Yankees roster. “I just hope I can I can fit in with guys like Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Mariano Rivera, Kevin Youkilis, Mark Texeira, Ichiro Suzuki, and CC Sabathia,” said the 34-year-old Wells, who will be making $42 million over the next two seasons. “Hopefully, we can find some common ground and come together quickly.” Team sources later confirmed Wells had fit in perfectly in the Yankees locker room after fracturing his leg and going on the disabled list for the next two months.
'Shot Clock, Game Clock Off By About 3 Seconds,' Reports Clark Kellogg For 86th Time During Timeout #~# INDIANAPOLIS—With 22 seconds remaining in the first half of Friday’s Louisville-Oregon Sweet 16 matchup, CBS color commentator Clark Kellogg has reportedly mentioned the three-second differential between the shot clock and game clock approximately 86 times during a full timeout called by the Cardinals. “I just want to remind the audience at home that the shot clock and game clock are off by about three seconds,” said Kellogg for the 42nd time during the timeout, moments before observing that the shot clock and game clock were off by about three seconds. “The Cardinals have to be thinking about how the shot clock and game clock are off by about three seconds. The fact that the shot clock and game clock are off by about three seconds has to be on the minds of the Ducks, too.” At press time, Louisville guard Peyton Siva had just received the inbound pass as Kellogg began re-emphasizing the implications of the shot clock and the game clock being off by about three seconds.
Ayman Al-Zawahiri Delivers TEDTalk On Changing Face Of Terrorism #~# ATLANTA—Addressing attendees gathered for this week’s TEDxEvolution Conference, al-Qaeda head Ayman al-Zawahiri delivered an informative and engrossing TEDTalk on the state of worldwide terrorism, entitled “Terror At A Crossroads: Instilling Fear In The 21st-Century Infidel.” “We find ourselves in an ever-evolving, globally connected community that is confronted with numerous societal and economic obstacles every day. The question is, and it’s a difficult one, how can we, as terrorist cells, overcome these roadblocks while staying true to our vision? How do we adapt?” the 56-year-old al-Qaeda leader and Islamist militant said while audience members reportedly nodded their heads, took notes, and laughed when al-Zawahiri delivered some lighthearted jabs at former boss Osama bin Laden. “For example, what happens when your terrorist organization’s overseas assets are frozen? Do you you lash out, behead a journalist, and destroy an Amsterdam bus station? Or do you regroup, assess the situation, see if you can make a connection—a very real, very honest, very genuine connection—with another terrorist group, and together figure out a way to acquire a nuclear weapon? Connections, folks. Both personal and professional. That’s really what we’re talking about today.” Sources confirmed that at the end of his 18-minute speech, audience members gave al-Zawahiri a standing ovation.
Arizona Gun Advocates Launch Free Shotgun Giveaway #~# A group funded by local gun enthusiasts’ donations announced plans to provide free shotguns to citizens in troubled sections of Tucson, AZ, the site of the 2011 mass shooting that left former congresswoman Gabby Giffords severely wounded. What do you think?
Fallen Firefighter Remembered As Idiot Who Sucked At His Job #~# LENEXA, KS—Hundreds gathered for a somber memorial service Thursday in honor of Stuart D’Abarno, 31, a firefighter killed in a residential blaze whom colleagues remember as an incompetent waste of space who couldn’t fight fire for shit.
Paramount Hoping Overseas Market Will Be Dumb Enough To Embrace Latest Piece Of Shit #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Weeks after the irredeemably insipid film underperformed domestically, executives at Paramount Pictures said Friday they were cautiously optimistic that audiences overseas would be stupid enough to buy tickets to their latest big-budget piece of shit. “Those dumbasses over there will go see this crap, right?” said Steve Siskind, the studio’s executive vice president for worldwide marketing, who predicted “the dipshits in Asia or somewhere” could be counted on to boost box-office receipts for the fucking unbearable $200 million production. “Transformers 3 was huge in China, so why wouldn’t those morons go apeshit over this movie, too? It has tons of CGI, not to mention a car flying through a helicopter and landing on the roof of a building. Plus, there’s no real story to follow, so language barriers shouldn’t be a problem.” Siskind added that to be on the safe side, Paramount was recutting the film with an additional 45 seconds of nudity to “bring a few more dopes into the theaters” in Eastern Europe.
Taylor Swift Now Dating Senator Joseph McCarthy #~# APPLETON, WI—Weeks after stepping out in London with musician Tom Odell, sources confirmed that country crooner Taylor Swift has split with the British heartthrob and is now dating U.S. senator Joseph R. McCarthy (R-WI). “Taylor and Tail Gunner Joe were seen canoodling at a diner in his hometown of Appleton, and we can confirm that the two are officially an item,” Popsugar.com blogger Michelle Lee said of the blossoming romance between the 23-year-old pop star and the fiery anti-communist crusader, nicknaming the couple “McSwift.” “Taylor really admires Joe’s patriotism and loves the way he’s so committed to his causes. He’s just an unpretentious Midwestern guy from Wisconsin, and that’s exactly what she needs right now.” At press time, sources reported that Taylor and McCarthy had been spotted cozying up in the back of a hearing at the State Department.
Best MLB Stadiums #~# With opening day rapidly approaching, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to the greatest ballparks in Major League Baseball. 
Court Awards $8K To Man Stuck On Disneyland Ride #~# A court awarded a paralyzed man $8,000 for the inconvenience he suffered while trapped for over 30 minutes on the “It’s A Small World” ride at Disneyland in 2009, during which time he was forced to listen to the ride’s iconic theme song on repeat. What do you think?
Pistorius Allowed To Leave Country, Compete In Races #~# A South African court agreed to return Oscar Pistorius’ passport, allowing the paralympic sprinter, who is accused of shooting his girlfriend to death, to leave the country to compete in international track meets. What do you think?
The Onion Once Again Condemns Actor Eric Bana For His Continued Silence On The Issue Of Gay Marriage #~# This week, the United States Supreme Court heard arguments in a pair of cases whose outcomes will have a profound impact on homosexual rights in this country for years to come. These momentous judicial proceedings have inspired a flurry of conversation among the American people, all of whom—whatever their stance—have contributed with candor and sincerity to that process of open dialogue that is so fundamental to the democratic principles on which our society rests.
Mississippi Bans Soft Drinks Smaller Than 20 Ounces #~# JACKSON, MS—Citing a wish to maintain the quality of life for residents across the state, the Mississippi Senate on Thursday passed a bill outlawing the sale of soft drinks in containers smaller than 20 ounces. “We have a responsibility to ensure that Mississippians are consuming sugary beverages at an acceptably high and constant rate, and this ban will see to it that this standard is upheld,” said State Sen. Terry W. Brown (R-District 17) in a morning news conference, adding that the new law will be strictly enforced by state authorities and that any business caught selling soda, coffee, tea, lemonade, sports drinks, or energy drinks in standard cans or containers rather than 64 or 85-oz. cups will be subject to a fine. “This isn’t just about the comfort of individual consumers, it’s about the welfare and overall happiness of entire communities. The fact that a resident of this state could consume less than the equivalent of 16 packets of sugar in one beverage is simply unacceptable, and it demands immediate action.” Brown also called for stricter limits on diet sodas, the sale of which Mississippi lawmakers hope to restrict to minors by the end of the year.
Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up #~# CHICAGO—Saying that he’s probably done all he could possibly do at this point, Twitter user Aaron Gartner confirmed Tuesday that after posting 10,000 tweets and accumulating just 15 followers, the 26-year-old is pretty much ready to pack it in and discontinue his account.
Emotional Wayne LaPierre Honors Victims Of Background Checks #~# WASHINGTON—In an emotionally charged press conference addressing gun control legislation, NRA vice president Wayne LaPierre delivered a tearful speech Wednesday honoring the thousands of Americans who have tragically fallen victim to background checks. “Because of our nation’s senseless gun control laws, this poor man with a known history of domestic violence was unable to procure an assault-style weapon, despite his desperate wishes to own and operate such a weapon,” said the visibly distraught lobbyist while gesturing towards a framed portrait of a middle-aged man, one of dozens of photos of victims displayed around the conference room. “It’s unthinkable that in a country like America, a person is legally prohibited from purchasing AR-15s or AK-47 assault rifles just because he or she is revealed to have a criminal record or even a pattern of mental illness. And yet, every day, another 20 citizens will be denied assault weapons due to background checks indicating that they were arrested for making violent threats to a coworker. And for what? For what, I ask you?” LaPierre added that until we live in a world without background checks, prospective gun owners can work to prevent tragedy by purchasing weapons at gun shows.
Finance Expert Saves Struggling Zoo By Firing All Employees, Getting Rid of Cages #~# On Today NOW!, the savvy businessman who turned a zoo on the verge of bankruptcy into a money-making machine shares management tips with Jim and Tracy.
Aquarium Unveils 'Floating Carcasses Of The Pacific' Exhibit #~# CHICAGO—Expanding on its collection of over 30,000 aquatic animals, Chicago’s John G. Shedd Aquarium opened its new “Floating Carcasses Of The Pacific” exhibit Wednesday, allowing visitors an up-close look at the vast diversity of dead and decaying marine life found throughout the world’s largest ocean. “From entire schools of fish that were exposed to toxic agricultural runoff, to sea turtles that ingested floating plastic refuse, to otters unable to escape a marine oil spill, visitors will be amazed by the sheer array of dead animals in this exhibit,” spokesman Ted Malpass said in a press release, noting that the decomposing remains of baby dolphins that had become tangled in trawlers’ fishing nets were sure to be a hit with children. “And we are the only aquarium in the country to feature a fully grown 50-foot sperm whale that perished after its feeding grounds were overfished. You will definitely want to check out that big guy in person before he rots away.” Malpass added that visitors who purchase tickets to the new exhibit would also receive free admission to the aquarium’s popular tank of Florida manatee corpses that were struck by speedboats.
Only By Working Together Can We All Cover For My Absolute Lack Of Ability #~# Guys, I know we’ve all been trying very hard to get the Packard account finished by the end of the month, but I’m sensing that a lot of our efforts are being wasted by working in isolation rather than in tandem. And, if I may offer a constructive criticism, I’m beginning to think our time would be much better spent if we all stopped working alone, put our heads together, and combined resources so we can more effectively cover for my complete and utter lack of ability for the task at hand.
On The Miami Heat's Win Streak Ending After 27 Games #~# LeBron James and the Miami Heat had their 27-game win streak—the second longest in NBA history—snapped Wednesday night after a 101-97 loss to the Chicago Bulls. What do you think?
Jeff Fitzgerald Sr. #~# Now that Jeff Fitzgerald Sr., 82, has passed away due to a respiratory infection, Jeff Junior would just like to be called Jeff.
North Dakota Enacts Nation’s Strictest Abortion Law #~# North Dakota governor Jack Dalrymple signed the most restrictive abortion law in the country Tuesday, banning the procedure after the first fetal heartbeat is detected, which could be as early as six weeks into a woman’s pregnancy. What do you think?
Arguments For And Against Same-Sex Marriage #~# This week, the Supreme Court heard challenges to California’s Proposition 8 and the federal Defense of Marriage Act, bringing the question of legalizing gay marriage to the national forefront. Here are the cases made by same-sex marriage advocates and opponents:
Mom Hasn't Ordered Favorite Pizza Topping In Over A Decade #~# 'It's Spinach, They Won't Let Me,' Mom Says
Justin Bieber Accused Of Assaulting Neighbor #~# Police responded to reports yesterday that Justin Bieber threatened and attacked his neighbor after the latter voiced concerns that the 19-year-old pop star had been unsafely speeding through the neighborhood while testing out a newly delivered Ferrari. What do you think?
Denny Hamlin's Spine Bone Done Busted #~# FONTANA, CA—Following a collision on the final lap at the Auto Club 400 last weekend, NASCAR driver Denny Hamlin has done busted his ol’ spine bone, racing team medical staff confirmed Wednesday. “Denny came bouncin’ off that inside wall hotter’n a goat’s ass in a pepper patch an’ got his spine bone smashed up sump’n awful,” said team physician Logan McRae of Hamlin, who after plumb near snapping his standin’ pole in two reportedly was done taken away in a big whirly-plane to a local hospital, where the fancy learnin’ doctors figured his broke-up back axle was as useless as tits on a bull. “It’s a powerful fracture, but we’re fixin’ to slap some spit on’t and have our boy patched up lickety-split. He oughter be perambulatin’ di-rectly, I reckon.” Dr. McRae added that though Hamlin will eventually regain the mobility needed to resume his racing career, he may require the use of a steppin’ stick for the rest of his days.
Report: It Pretty Incredible That Americans Entrusted With Driving Cars #~# WASHINGTON—Citing that a majority of Americans are irresponsible, easily distracted people who have little regard for other human beings, a new Department of Transportation report revealed Wednesday that it’s “actually kind of crazy” that U.S. citizens are allowed to drive automobiles. “Americans make millions of mind-boggling, idiotic mistakes every day, and when taking into consideration the sheer amount of lives that could be lost due to just the slightest human error while driving, it’s actually pretty goddamn shocking that we let citizens operate 4,000-pound machines capable of going 200 mph,” the report read in part, later adding that if one truly thinks about who their neighbors, friends, and children are as people, the absolute last thing one would be comfortable with would be them merging onto a busy highway with cars traveling 85 mph. “Consider the average American on Facebook who says things like ‘first’ or makes a bizarre Monica Lewinsky reference out of nowhere. Now think of somebody dumber than that. That person’s allowed to drive, too. Pretty nuts, right?” The report ultimately concluded that only 62 total Americans are intelligent and thoughtful enough to operate a motor vehicle.
Anderson Cooper Throws Another Box Of Letters From Gay Children Into Dumpster #~# NEW YORK—Speaking with reporters Tuesday after emptying another box of fan mail into the dumpster behind his Manhattan apartment, CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper explained that there was just no way he could read and respond to the substantial volume of letters he receives from his young homosexual fans. “I’m glad these children find me inspiring, but come on—I must have a hundred little gay kids writing to me each day,” the television personality said of the unending barrage of letters, photos, and thank-you notes he receives from 10- to 15-year-old homosexuals, all of which are immediately tossed into his home recycling bin or sent through his paper shredder at work. “I just have a lot on my plate right now. I’m doing [Anderson Cooper] 360°, I’m doing Anderson Live, and a lot of the time I’m out of the country on assignment. I honestly tried writing back at first, but these gay and lesbian children just won’t stop coming out to me, and it all just piles up. I’m sorry, but what else can I do?” Cooper admitted, however, that it is particularly difficult for him to ignore the children’s correspondence as he has yet to receive a response to the appreciative and reverential letter he sent to Piers Morgan last July after publicly announcing his homosexuality.
Supreme Court Justices Brought To Tears By Heartfelt Testimony Of Bigot Who Hates Gay People #~# WASHINGTON—Listening to oral arguments Wednesday regarding the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act, all nine Supreme Court justices were reportedly moved to tears by the heartfelt and highly personal testimony of a bigot who despises homosexuals unreservedly. “It’s impossible for anyone who hasn’t spent their whole life in a state of benighted prejudice to know the pain and hardship that people like myself endure every day in our efforts to ensure that gays and lesbians remain oppressed and unequal,” said the immense homophobe, whose stirring, emotional speech about his harrowing daily struggles to impede social progress prompted a weeping Chief Justice John Roberts to halt the proceedings briefly so that he and the 500 individuals in attendance could compose themselves. “Just for a moment, put yourself in my shoes and try to imagine how difficult it is to know that the elevated social standing that I so unjustly enjoy is at stake. We have come too far and worked too hard to make sure that gays are second-class citizens, and all we’re asking for is basic unfairness. After all, isn’t that what this country is founded on?” Forgoing their typical months of deliberation, the justices issued an immediate 9-0 decision upholding DOMA, with Roberts writing that the testimony had “opened [his] eyes” to the plight of the nation’s intolerant and vowing that the court would never again allow progress and equality to impede the happiness of the nation’s close-minded and prejudiced.
Robert Mapplethorpe Children's Museum Celebrates Grand Opening #~# QUEENS, NY—The Robert Mapplethorpe Children’s Museum officially opened its doors to the public Tuesday, drawing over 1,000 visitors with its interactive exhibits and youth-oriented activities aimed at making the photographer’s signature nude, explicit art more fun and accessible for younger generations.
Judith Norris #~# Judith Norris, 70, died in a car accident Friday, much to the chagrin of the heart disease that had been trying to kill her for years.
Soda Consumption Falls To Lowest Level Since 1996 #~# According to new data from the trade publication Beverage Digest, Americans purchased 9.17 billion cases of soda in 2012, the lowest level of sales since 1996. What do you think?
Kim Jong-Un Comes Out In Support Of Gay Marriage: 'I'm Not A Monster' #~# PYONGYANG—As the U.S. Supreme Court heard arguments Tuesday on the constitutionality of banning same-sex marriage, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un told reporters that, considering he’s not a completely awful human being, he unequivocally believes that gay people should be able to marry. “Of course I believe gay and lesbian couples should be treated equally under the law, for God’s sake; I’m not a monster,” the despotic leader said, adding that the idea of trying to stop a loving couple from legally marrying one another is not only wrong from a moral and ethical standpoint but also violates the Fourteenth Amendment. “I have no idea what’s going on with the justices over there, to be honest. The whole thing is a fucking embarrassment.” Kim added that, should the Supreme Court not declare same-sex marriage constitutional in all 50 states, he would strongly consider launching a nuclear weapon at the United States.
I Feel Very Strongly About The Issue Of Same Sex Marriage Because I Have A Gay Son #~# One of the most divisive issues out there right now is the debate over whether or not gays should be allowed to marry. It is obviously an extremely sensitive topic, and I certainly can understand at least some of the reservations that opponents of gay marriage have to the idea, especially from a legal standpoint. However, as someone with a personal connection to this issue, I feel a need to speak out in favor of it, and to reaffirm my belief that gay marriage is a fundamental moral right.
NIT's Exclusive Eight Vie For Coveted Spots In Last Four #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Excitement over college basketball’s National Invitation Tournament reached a fever pitch Tuesday as the teams of the Exclusive Eight prepared to play for the chance to compete in next week’s Last Four at Madison Square Garden. “Reaching the Exclusive Eight is nice, but you know these teams are thinking Last Four,” said ESPN commentator Tim Welsh about the field that remained after half of the Good Sixteen were eliminated over the past two days. “The choosing board set the initial field of 32, we all filled out our winners charts, and so far The Great Big Party has more than lived up to its name. But who will take home the NIT Victory Certificate? Folks, this is what Crazy March is all about.” The 2013 tournament has been especially compelling thanks to the electrifying play of Providence guard and NIT Most Useful Player award frontrunner Bryce Cotton, who many believe has a good chance of one day playing in the ABA.
Italian Court To Retry Amanda Knox For Murder #~# Italy’s highest court ordered the retrial of American exchange student Amanda Knox and her Italian former boyfriend on charges they murdered Knox’s British roommate in 2007, reopening a case that captivated Italy with its lurid sexual details. What do you think?
Jerry Sandusky Pretty Charming In Interview #~# NEW YORK—In a recent interview aired on The Today Show, serial child molester Jerry Sandusky came across as a likable and really quite charming individual, sources told reporters Tuesday. “Boy, I gotta say, I found myself liking him a lot in that interview,” local man Scott Russell said of the former Penn State football coach and incarcerated rapist who last year was convicted of engaging in forced sodomy and oral sex with at least 10 underage boys. “He flashed that big ol’ smile, and talked in this warm, soft-spoken voice, and you could tell he’s got this really infectious, fun-loving personality. He was like a big kid! I don’t know, I just liked the way he carried himself.” Sources went on to confirm that “the guy’s just got a nice vibe about him.”
Fulgencio Puts A Ring On It! #~# Because your ol’ pal Jean is an extremely sensitive person with a not inconsiderable amount of ESP, I had begun, a while back, to pick up a distinct vibe that wedding bells would soon ding-dong for a lucky someone in my life! Natch, the top candidate was Patti, who’s still going strong with her squeeze Barry. A close second was the worker at the 24-hour Taco Bell near our place who sometimes has her baby strapped to her in the drive-thru booth. But no mistaking it, love was in the air! (And no, it wasn’t the nail-polish-remover odor from that recent chemical spill a few miles away!)
Wikipedia Users Surprised Nobody's Made Page For John Lennon Yet #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Users of the popular reference website Wikipedia were reportedly surprised this week upon discovering that the online encyclopedia contained no entry for Beatles co-founder and legendary singer-songwriter John Lennon. “John Lennon sold over a billion records and influenced an entire generation, so I guess I just figured he would have his own Wikipedia page,” said Collin Acker, 34, after clicking on a red link bearing Lennon’s name, which directed him to a page indicating that an entry on the iconic songwriter behind “All You Need Is Love” and “Imagine” did not exist but that he could create one. “All the other Beatles are on here. Hell, Yoko [Ono] is on here. Even Pete Best has 12 whole sections on his page. Huh.” At press time, Acker was reading the extensive Wikipedia page on musician Sean Lennon, which referred to his superstar father only once as “John Lennon, father, deceased.”
Kobe Bryant Compiles Helpful List Of 435 Aspects Of Game Antawn Jamison Needs To Improve #~# OAKLAND—In an effort to provide guidance to a teammate, Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant reportedly created a helpful 435-item list Monday, detailing aspects of Antawn Jamison’s game that the forward needs to improve.
Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares' #~# WASHINGTON—Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and that the court could “care less who marries whom.”
Stars Of Canceled Show Terrified Fans Will Raise Money For Movie #~# LOS ANGELES—Following a recent spate of fan campaigns to revive canceled television series through the crowd-funding website Kickstarter, the cast of the short-lived NBC sitcom Animal Practice told reporters Monday they live in constant fear that fans of the show will raise enough money to turn it into a movie. “To all the viewers who supported our show on NBC and would love to see the next chapter of Animal Practice played out on the big screen, I can only say from the bottom of my heart: Please don’t ever do this,” lead actor Justin Kirk said in a direct plea to fans, noting that the nine-episode sitcom about a misanthropic veterinarian was terrible and that any campaign to revive it would make him and other cast members deeply upset. “I'll say it right here: Being a part of this show was a pretty bad career move and one that I’m trying to move past. Honestly, I would have to say that anyone who is a fan of the show has bad taste and I don’t really have any respect for them. Sorry, but I don’t.” At press time, sources confirmed that Microsoft founder Bill Gates had donated $20 million to the new Kickstarter campaign “Animal Practice Movie Project” with the accompanying note, “Mark my words, this movie will be made.”
Supreme Court Hears Landmark Gay Marriage Cases #~# The Supreme Court will hear arguments today challenging the constitutionality of California’s gay marriage ban, while tomorrow’s hearings will focus on benefits denied to same-sex couples by the federal Defense of Marriage Act. What do you think?
Hi, In The Past 2 Years, You Have Allowed Me To Kill 70,000 People #~# Hello. My name is Bashar al-Assad. I am the president of Syria, and in the last two years, you—the citizens of the world and their governments—have allowed me to kill 70,000 people. You read that correctly: I am an individual who has murdered 70,000 human beings since March 2011, and you have watched it happen and done nothing.
Bill Gates Offers $100K For More Pleasurable Condom #~# Philanthropist and former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates has offered a $100,000 grant to anyone who can reinvent the condom to make protected sex more pleasurable in an effort to help prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections worldwide. What do you think?
Coworker Running NCAA Tournament Pool Really Relishing His One Week Of Significance #~# EVENSVILLE, TN—According to sources at local public relations firm Dolan-Cassidy, employee Ian Novak, 38, is positively basking in the solitary week of importance he experiences as organizer of his office’s NCAA Tournament pool. “Hey, close call for Miami last night,” said the suddenly noticeable Novak, luxuriating in one of the few precious days out of the year when he is not completely ignored by coworkers. “Man, we’ve had some wild ones this year, haven’t we? I’ll be watching the game at Flannery’s tonight, if anyone’s interested.” At press time, the fleetingly relevant man was being simply lavished with attention from a colleague asking him if he could print out another bracket.
Man Cautiously Avoids Barnes & Noble Section Where Teens Check Out Graphic Novels #~# ITHACA, NY—Looking visibly uncomfortable, Barnes & Noble customer Paul Gannon, 36, confirmed Saturday that a group of teenagers sitting against, and hovering around, the Graphic Novels area was preventing him from perusing the section. “I really don’t want to go over there,” said Gannon, adding that he would prefer to avoid asking the lip-pierced, teenage girl with a ski cap covering her dyed-red hair if she would please move her backpack so he could browse the shelves. “I’ll just pretend to browse the Business and Money section until they leave.” At press time, Gannon had decided to exit the bookstore, saying that he could just order volume two of Alan Moore’s Swamp Thing collection on Amazon.
Man Has Trouble Growing Full Beard Of Bees #~# BURLINGTON, VT—Complaining of patchiness and uneven color, area man Matthew Cruickshank, 34, told reporters Monday that he has always had trouble growing a full beard of bees. “For some reason, when the bees come in they just won’t connect my mustache to my goatee, and they seem to thin out halfway up my cheek,” said Cruickshank, examining a beeless patch of skin on his neck and noting how one random gray bee always appears in the middle of his chin. “It’s strange because my dad always had a full, thick beard of bees his whole life. I guess some guys are just lucky that way.” Cruickshank added that although he grooms his beard of bees frequently, it often becomes itchy and uncomfortable, especially at night when he’s trying to sleep.
North Korea’s War Preparations #~# In recent weeks, North Korea has invalidated its 1953 armistice and threatened a preemptive nuclear strike on the U.S. Here are some other signs that the country is preparing for war:
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of March 25, 2013 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Divorced Father Buys String Cheese To Make Coming To His Place Fun #~# STOCKTON, CA—In an effort to make his children’s upcoming weekend visit to his apartment more fun, divorced man and father of two Peter Dolan, 41, told reporters Monday that he has purchased a packet of string cheese. “Josh and Hannah will like these,” said Dolan after placing a six-pack of Sargento mozzarella cheese snacks in the dairy compartment of his largely empty refrigerator in preparation for his son and daughter’s weekend visit. “It’s cheese, but it comes in these little tubes that you can pull apart. So it’s a snack, but it’s fun, too. Maybe we can all eat it together.” Dolan added that after his children enjoy the cheese, the three of them could go see a movie at a nearby movie theater “or just hang out and watch TV.”
CDC: 1 In Every 50 U.S. Schoolchildren Autistic #~# The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revised upward its estimate of the number of children in the United States with autism, stating that 1 in every 50 children between the ages of 6 and 17 have some form of autism spectrum disorder. What do you think?
Charlotte Bobcats Get Lost While Driving To Basket #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Attempting to put together an offensive play during last night’s matchup against the Detroit Pistons, the Charlotte Bobcats’ starting five got lost while driving to the basket, team sources confirmed Sunday. “I was heading toward the hoop, but I must have taken a wrong turn in one of the lanes and ended up out of bounds with my teammates behind me,” said Bobcats guard Gerald Henderson, who sources said could be seen wandering aimlessly through Time Warner Cable Arena for the bulk of the game’s first half. “Then we circled through the concourse for almost an hour looking for our exit. I swear, we must have passed that same concession stand a dozen times.” Upon finally asking a stadium worker for directions, the disoriented Bobcats reportedly made their way back to the court, to the vocal disappointment of fans, coaching personnel, and team owner Michael Jordan.
Area Lady's Gentleman Caller Under Employ Of Jiffy Lube #~# HORNELL, NY—The identity of the mysterious gentleman whose amorous attentions have of late been accorded to local lady Kelly Gabbert was at last revealed as Mr. Kyle Bemis, a jocund bachelor of some repute who close acquaintances confirmed is, at present, under the employ of the Jiffy Lube enterprise. “Being as he is an eligible man possessed of a reasonably noble bearing, the eager pursuer oft calls upon the young lady at home after settling the duties of said oil station office,” said a confidant of Ms. Gabbert, noting that Mr. Bemis may even take a turn about the local Stop ’N Shop parking lot in hopes, perchance, that he might woo the fair maiden of Steuben County whilst on her cigarette break. “Neighbors have on great occasion observed the fashionable young man ferrying the lady about town in his 600-horsepower Ford Mustang or escorting her to lavish dinner engagements at the most opulent of wing bars, whereupon he customarily sends for a platter of barbecue chicken and spicy-sweet sauce.” At press time, sources reported the winsome paramour had beckoned his beloved to the driveway with three honks of the car horn.
Area Woman Thinks All Of Her Friends Should Be Comedians #~# BENTON HARBOR, MI—According to statements made this week by office manager Caitlin Mooney, 26, her friends are all so funny that they should be comedians. “Honestly, my friend Meg says stuff that’s so hilarious it could totally be on TV,” said Mooney, adding that the woman “has no filter,” and everything that comes out of her mouth is absolutely hysterical. “And my roommate Reshmi just says the craziest, most random stuff. She seriously should have a podcast or something where it’s just her telling all her stories.” Sources confirmed that Mooney went on to reveal that her friend Alice is “exactly like Tina Fey.”
Universe Older, Wider Than Previously Thought #~# Astronomers determined that the universe is actually 13.8 billion years old, about 80 to 100 million years older than previously believed, and that it is also a bit wider than once thought. What do you think?
Thrilling Duke-Albany Game Ends With Last-Second Buzzer #~# PHILADELPHIA—The first-round NCAA tournament game between 2nd-seeded Duke and 15th-seeded Albany ended in sensational fashion Friday after a buzzer sounded at the very last possible moment. “And there’s the buzzer! Wow, what a finish!” said CBS announcer Kevin Harlan, who noted that the decisive buzzer seemed to go off at the exact moment time expired. “Did it go off before the clock ran down? They’re looking at the replay now, but it looked to me like that buzzer went off just in time. Yes, the referees are confirming it went off with zero seconds on the clock.” With the result in the books, the all-time combined winning percentage of 2 and 15 seeds in the first round now stands at .500.
Supreme Court's Sidekick Kid Justice Killed By Mad Genius Dr. Contempto #~# WASHINGTON—The United States Supreme Court was rocked by tragedy Thursday when the judicial branch’s longtime sidekick, Kid Justice, was brutally murdered by the nefarious Dr. Contempto.
Old Refrigerator Unable To Control When It Releases Water Anymore #~# ODESSA, TX—In the midst of yet another embarrassing clean-up, local woman Melissa Crosby, 43, told reporters Thursday that her old refrigerator has completely lost the ability to control when it releases water. “At first, I’d notice a little bit of condensation trickling off the door every now and then, but lately there’s been a giant puddle seeping from its defroster tube just about every morning, the poor old thing,” said Crosby of her incontinent household appliance, while using a bath towel to soak up the growing pool of liquid emanating from the 25-year-old icebox. “I feel bad having to clean up after it and keep it dry, but I’m not sure if there’s anything else I can do at this point. This fridge is getting up there in years, and certain functions just break down after a while.” Crosby added that her aging refrigerator’s involuntary leakage has been made even more humiliating in light of a recent power outage that caused the appliance to discharge the contents of its freezer compartment all over itself.
Ian McKellen Officiating Patrick Stewart’s Wedding #~# British actor Sir Ian McKellen, famed for his roles as Gandalf and Magneto, will officiate the wedding of fellow British actor and X-Men costar Sir Patrick Stewart, noted for his roles as Capt. Jean-Luc Picard and Professor X, when the latter marries his jazz singer fiancée Sunny Ozell. What do you think?
Palestinians, Israelis Come Together To Mock Obama's Hopelessly Naive Speech #~# JERUSALEM—Coming together for the first time in generations, Palestinian and Israeli citizens were reportedly seen gathered at the West Bank today mocking President Obama’s hopelessly naive speech proposing the possibility of a two-state solution.
YouTube Reaches 1 Trillion Racist Comments #~# SAN BRUNO, CA—The Silicon Valley headquarters of YouTube reportedly erupted in cheers shortly after 10 a.m. local time Thursday as the popular video-sharing service celebrated the 1 trillionth racist comment posted to its website. “When we created YouTube back in 2005, we knew it had the potential to revolutionize the way people make highly offensive and insensitive remarks based purely on a stranger’s racial or ethnic characteristics, but we never dreamed we would make it to 1 trillion of these repugnant comments,” said CEO Salar Kamangar, noting that the milestone comment “ching chong,” posted by user StinkFingaz below a video of a Japanese man painting, would be commemorated on a large bronze plaque in the company’s offices. “It’s hard to even comprehend how many completely ignorant comments 1 trillion is. We’re truly humbled by our dedicated and extremely uneducated users who make such vile and imperceptive statements each and every day. Thank you, everyone.” Kamangar confirmed that reaching the milestone had reinforced the company’s commitment to expanding its servers later this year, which will allow the site to handle up to 1 million “fucking faggot” comments every second.
Epic Saga Of Employee's Ineptitude Passed Down Through Generations Of Coworkers #~# PHOENIX—In a custom that is said to be as old as the digital marketing agency itself, staff members of Thorpe Media listened in rapt fixation Wednesday to an oration of the epic saga of Doug Plasky, a company account manager whose tales of legendary ineptitude have been handed down through generations of coworkers.
Militants Fire Rockets Into Israel During Obama Visit #~# Militants in Gaza fired two rockets into an Israeli border city ahead of President Barack Obama’s speech in Jerusalem urging Israelis and Palestinians to resume negotiations. What do you think?
Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Announce They're Just Ordinary Couple Into Depraved Sexual Acts #~# JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Ending months of speculation and rumors, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn announced on their personal Facebook pages Monday that they are an ordinary couple into incredibly perverse, bizarre, and degrading sexual acts.
Ashamed Student Affairs Committee Reveals There Aren’t Any Awesome Events Happening On Campus This Weekend #~# ‘We Let All Of You Down,’ Say Disgraced Committee Members
Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda #~# LONGMONT, CO—In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name. “If I catch you or anyone else talking rudely or disrespectfully about Mazda or the Mazda family of automobiles, then God help you, because I’ll break into your house at night and snap your fucking neck,” said Hunker, raising a clenched fist and adding that the Japanese company’s ability to deliver style, affordability, and fuel efficiency, as well as top-of-the-line features like dual-zone automatic climate control, put it in a class all by itself. “I am not afraid of prison. You say one word against the MX-5 Miata, and I’ll kill you in cold blood like the sick infidel you are. I was born a Mazda man, and I’ll die one. Watch your fucking back.” Sources later confirmed Hunker was on the trail of a local consumer who allegedly questioned whether the subcompact Mazda2 was a better value than the Honda Fit.
2013 NCAA Teams To Watch #~# With March Madness entering a state of frenzy, Onion Sports examines the best and most interesting teams in the 2013 NCAA Tournament.  
Amputee Inspires Others Not To Lose Limbs #~# EAGLE POINT, OR—Though local man Bret Kurtsin has had to overcome many personal obstacles since having his legs amputated seven years ago, it has been said that his greatest achievement may lie in what he has given to others: the inspiration not to lose any limbs of their own.
Prophetic Basketball Analyst Predicts There Will Be Upsets During NCAA Tournament #~# NEW YORK—Seemingly staring into the depths of the very future itself, prophetic CBS college basketball analyst Verne Lundquist reportedly harnessed an unfathomable power Thursday, providing a glimpse of the NCAA Tournament’s fate by foretelling “there are bound to be some upsets this year.” “There’s always upsets in the first round; you never know who or when, but they’ll happen,” said Lundquist, humbly brushing aside his immaculate power of premonition or perhaps delivering yet another thinly veiled riddle of a prophecy that the only certainty of March Madness is its uncertainty. “It seems every year a 12 beats a 5, and I wouldn’t expect this year to be any different.” Conjuring visions of the most stunning surprises that await us all, the miraculous soothsayer boldly prophesied that this year’s national championship will be won by the No. 1 overall seed.
House From ‘Home Improvement’ #~# Hey, remember the house in that show Home Improvement?  Well, it wasn’t a set; it was an actual house.  Tim Allen and his family just moved out.  Wilson is still around so you can get advice whenever you need it. 4BR, 2.5BA. Reference #TBL192384
'The Amazing Spider-Man' Turns 50 #~# The first issue of the famed Marvel Comics title The Amazing Spider-Man debuted on store shelves in March 1963. Here are some of the legendary superhero’s most memorable moments of the past 50 years:
Obama, Rachel Goldstein Really Hitting It Off On Group Trip To Israel #~# JERUSALEM—Participants on Taglit Shorashim’s Israel Experience trip reported Wednesday that a special bond was clearly forming between President Barack Obama, 51, and Cleveland-area high school senior Rachel Goldstein, 16, while on a 10-day bus tour through the Holy Land. “It was obvious from the icebreakers we did at the kibbutz that first Shabbat that something was going on with them,” said Shira Weiss, 16, of best friend Goldstein and President Obama, adding that the pair walked together on the sunrise hike to Mount Masada, split off entirely from the group during the Dead Sea excursion, and always sit together on the bus. “You should have seen them at Yad Vashem—they were practically holding hands. It’s so cute.” When reached for comment at a group excursion to the Wailing Wall, Obama reportedly told other members of the trip that “nothing’s going on, Rachel’s just really cool,” adding that he was “kind of in a relationship back home.”
The Time For Watered-Down And Effectively Meaningless Gun Laws Is Now #~# Yesterday, I took immediate action in the ongoing gun control debate by removing from a proposed firearms bill a provision banning assault weapons, all but ensuring that such a restriction will not be signed into law. In taking this bold step, I have effectively ensured that millions of deadly, military-grade firearms—much like the type used in recent mass shootings in Tucson, Aurora, and Sandy Hook—will remain legal and easily accessible to all Americans.
Obama Sarcastically Asks How Israel Afforded Such A Great Missile Defense System #~# JERUSALEM—While touring Israel’s “Iron Dome” all-weather missile defense system Wednesday, President Barack Obama sarcastically asked Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu where he got all the money to build such technologically advanced equipment. “Boy, you’ve gotta have some pretty deep pockets to afford something like this—how much did you say this ran you guys?” asked Obama, who later added that the cutting-edge system designed to intercept both short and long-range missiles must have “cost Israel an arm and a leg.” “I mean, wow. I didn’t know you guys had this much in the old war chest, but apparently you do. Really, really impressive stuff. No wonder you’re so independent.” Sources say Obama’s sarcastic comments came after facetiously asking how much money Israel’s warplanes set them back, at which point Obama cut Netanyahu off and said, “I know exactly how much.”
Scarlett Johansson Immediately Rejects Heartwarming Prom Invite From High School Student #~# LOS ANGELES—Shortly after local high school senior Jeremy Feldman’s YouTube video asking actress Scarlett Johansson to his prom went viral Tuesday, the Lost in Translation star declined the student’s invitation in no uncertain terms, sources confirmed. “The answer is no,” said Johansson, who went on to cite a litany of reasons for refusing the invitation that included scheduling conflicts, the fact that the evening would be uncomfortable for her on many levels, and a mounting distaste for the student’s willingness to create an Internet spectacle that would only pressure her into doing something she doesn’t want to do. “You’re a real piece of work, Jeremy. Because if I ignore the invitation I come off as cold. If I say yes, I’m clearly only doing it to enhance my own image, which is completely disingenuous. What you’re doing essentially amounts to emotional blackmail.” Johansson then blasted Feldman for creating such a PR headache, told reporters that it’s actually bizarre and sort of sick that he needs to ask a celebrity to his prom in order to build up his own self-image, and then—after muttering “dammit” under her breath—said, “Fine, Jeremy, whatever. I’ll go to your stupid fucking prom.”
Itinerary For Obama's Visit To Israel #~# In his first visit to Israel as president, Barack Obama will meet with the Middle Eastern nation’s top leaders over the next three days in an effort to renew ties with the U.S.’ longstanding ally. Here is his schedule of events:
Democrats Give Up On Assault Weapons Ban #~# Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said that renewing a ban on assault weapons, a key provision of the gun control package sought by President Obama following the Newtown, CT shooting, would not be part of gun legislation in the Senate. What do you think?
'This Is A Pointless Trip,' Obama Says While Shaking Hands With Netanyahu #~# TEL AVIV, ISRAEL—Moments after stepping out from Air Force One Wednesday, President Barack Obama reportedly greeted Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu at Ben Gurion International Airport, shook his hand, smiled, leaned in, and told the Israeli leader that “this is a completely pointless visit and a waste of everyone’s time.” “This trip will accomplish nothing,” Obama reportedly said out of the corner of his mouth while he and Netanyahu smiled broadly and waved to the gathered crowd. “You won’t do what I want when it comes to stopping Israeli settlements, and I can’t do what you want in terms of dismissing Palestine. Now, pretend to laugh at what I just said so it appears like we get along.” As Obama walked up the tarmac with his arm around Netanyahu’s shoulder, the President said he basically traveled 5,000 miles for a meaningless photo op, at which point both men turned around, waved one last time, and stepped into a waiting limousine.
Thousands Of Elderly Japanese-Americans Rounded Up For Internment Camp’s 70th Reunion #~# POSTON, AZ—Commemorating the internment during World War II of nearly 120,000 innocent Japanese-Americans, U.S. authorities this week reportedly tracked down and apprehended thousands of the now-elderly detention camp survivors for a 70th anniversary reunion.
Boss Really Getting On Man's Ass About Finishing NCAA Bracket #~# JOPLIN, MO—Expressing frustration over being “hounded nonstop,” 28-year-old junior analyst Harrison Jacobsen complained to reporters Wednesday that his boss at Baines Marketing has been all over his ass about completing his NCAA March Madness bracket. “Brad’s been riding me all week about this damn thing,” Jacobsen said of his supervisor, who has reportedly checked in several times a day to keep track of his progress on entering a bracket into the office’s ESPN.com tournament pool. “The deadline isn’t even until tomorrow, so I don’t get why he’s getting all bent out of shape about it. It’s like, ‘Get off my fucking case, man. I’ll get it done.’” At press time, Jacobsen had filled out his bracket in 30 seconds by picking completely random teams.
Find The Thing You're Most Passionate About, Then Do It On Nights And Weekends For The Rest Of Your Life #~# I have always been a big proponent of following your heart and doing exactly what you want to do. It sounds so simple, right? But there are people who spend years—decades, even—trying to find a true sense of purpose for themselves. My advice? Just find the thing you enjoy doing more than anything else, your one true passion, and do it for the rest of your life on nights and weekends when you’re exhausted and cranky and just want to go to bed.
Splash #~# ABC
Place #~# This single-room unit is not so much housing as a protective casing, a place where one is put away when not in use. Reference #MM105B
Bloomberg Rule Would Hide Cigarettes From Sight #~# New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is advancing a new initiative that would prevent tobacco products from being visibly displayed in city stores, forcing shopkeepers to hide the products in cabinets, under the counter, or elsewhere out of sight. What do you think?
'What You're Doing Is Weird And Wrong,' Small Voice In Back Of Kim Jong-Un's Head Reports #~# PYONGYANG—While performing his duties as Supreme Leader of North Korea Tuesday, Kim Jong-un reportedly heard a small voice in the back of his mind telling him that his actions over the last six months have been very strange and wrong.
'Chapter 1: Clark,' Reports Awful Manuscript #~# NEW YORK—An absolutely terrible manuscript written by local aspiring novelist Brandon Heath reported today that “Chapter 1: Clark.” “It was late autumn, the leaves on the trees were a brilliant, blazing red, and Clark Thurman was gazing at the passerby just outside his apartment window,” continued the just awful first draft of Heath’s 80,000-word book, The Final Light, which according to its author details the interlocking fortunes of three strangers living in 1950s Manhattan and which sources confirmed is very bad. “For a moment, Clark thought he heard Mary call his name from the kitchen, but then he remembered school was back in session and the woman he loved had returned to her studies at Swarthmore, leaving him here, alone. This time of year often saw Clark fall into such melancholy thoughts.” At press time, Heath’s thinly sketched character was rushing to respond to an unexpected knock on the front door of his apartment.
10-Year Anniversary Of Iraq Invasion #~# Over a dozen explosions were reported in Baghdad today with more than 50 confirmed dead on the tenth anniversary of the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq. What do you think?
Authorities On Alert As Hundreds Of Crazed Sociopaths Enter Congressional Chambers #~# WASHINGTON—Federal, state, and local law enforcement officials are reportedly on high alert today after a group of dangerous sociopaths entered the chambers of Congress, posing what sources are calling “an extreme risk” to the U.S. federal government and the nation at large.
Macaulay Culkin Hoping Some 'Funny Or Die' Writer Comes Up With Video Idea For Him #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying that it would likely be amusing and very popular, actor Macaulay Culkin told reporters Tuesday that he hopes staff writers at the website Funny Or Die are currently coming up with ideas for a parody video he could star in. “There has to be someone over there in his late 20s who loves making fun of the 1990s and has me in mind for something,” said the 32-year-old former child star, adding that he imagines a video of no more than three minutes in length that would show viewers he isn’t afraid to poke fun at his own career, but would also pay homage to his place in pop-culture history. “I’m sure they’ve batted my name around before, and maybe a few ideas have been bounced off producers. They could do something where I’m at home alone as an adult and Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci keep trying to break into my house—like it’s just this annoying routine that’s become part of my life. Or it’s like a parody of My Girl where a swarm of angry bees attacks me at the end of every shot. But I’m just spitballing here—this is in their wheelhouse, so I'll let them come up with the ideas.” At press time, Culkin said he would be open to lampooning the end of The Good Son where he falls off a cliff, but instead of plummeting to his death, his shirt becomes snagged on a tree branch and he’s forced to make awkward conversation with Elijah Wood.
FDA Relaxes Definition Of Smoothie #~# WASHINGTON—In a decision with far-reaching implications for the thick-drink industry, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that it is relaxing the standards all chilled, blended fruit beverages must meet in order to be labeled a smoothie. “For the first time in more than 50 years of strict oversight, the federal government will now recognize any drink that is not uniformly smooth, but includes pieces of fruit less than 0.72 centimeters in diameter, as a smoothie,” FDA spokesperson Linda Furman said. “Kiwi, cherimoya, and Bartlett pear flavors are now also permitted, as well as sherbet at levels constituting no more than 8 percent of total volume.” Furman added that a new concoction sold by the Pfizer pharmaceutical company and composed entirely of blended Xanax, whiskey, and ice has been categorized by the FDA as a yogurt drink.
GOP To Spend $10 Million Reaching Out To Minorities #~# Following an “autopsy” of the party’s defeat in last year’s presidential election, the Republican National Committee earmarked $10 million to bring the party’s message to African-Americans, Hispanics, and Asian-Americans in cities throughout the country. What do you think?
Punxsutawney Phil Beheaded For Inaccurate Prediction On Annual Groundhog Slaughtering Day #~# PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—As a due punishment for the animal having incorrectly predicted an early spring, local residents gathered in a public square today to bear somber witness to the beheading of weather-prognosticating rodent Punxsutawney Phil as part of the region’s traditional Groundhog Slaughtering Day. “Punxsutawney Phil must suffer the consequences of his erroneous and poorly conceived forecast,” said town councilman Kenneth Joachim as he held the rodent’s trembling body against the chopping block and lifted an ax high, bringing it down in a single, assured stroke that cleanly decapitated the animal, a tradition that stretches back to the town’s founding. “Let this gesture stand as a stark reminder to all future groundhogs who seek to presage winter’s end without evidence or merit.” Town council members then announced that Punxsutawney Phil’s headless body would be ceremonially devoured raw by the mayor later that evening.
Bold New Pope Shows Crowd In Saint Peter's Square How To Apply Condom #~# VATICAN CITY—Less than a week after succeeding Pope Benedict XVI as the next Bishop of Rome and inheriting a deeply divided Catholic Church, Pope Francis I on Sunday signaled a bold direction for his papacy by demonstrating to followers gathered in Saint Peter’s Square how to correctly use and apply a condom. “It’s imperative that partners use a brand-new condom for each act of vaginal, anal, or oral sex and put it on as soon as erection occurs,” the supreme pontiff said to thousands of devout Catholics while gripping the base of an anatomical teaching model and gently rolling a LifeStyles-brand condom down the shaft of the silicon penis. “To reduce air pockets and minimize the risk of breakage, pinch the top of the semen reservoir with your thumb and forefinger, then withdraw the penis directly after ejaculation. And remember, always use a new condom when alternating between different sexual acts; it’s more effective, more sanitary, and improves the sexual experience for both partners.” Francis added that though he understood condom use was not ideal for maximizing sexual pleasure and personally prefers not to wear them, they are the most effective way to prevent the spread of infectious diseases besides abstaining from sex altogether.
Video Of Man Weeping Becomes Viral Hit #~# NEW YORK—The latest viral sensation erupted across YouTube today as a recently uploaded video featuring a solitary man softly weeping into his palms garnered over 50 million plays in just one night. “‘Weeping Guy’ was uploaded just yesterday at 10 p.m., but it’s already everywhere; people are watching it over and over again and then sharing it with all of their friends,” said BuzzFeed editor Robert Meadows, adding that the 57-second video of an unnamed grown man sitting at a table while crying is “the most popular YouTube video [he’s] seen in quite some time.” “I’ve already had at least 20 different people I know forward the video to me. People just can’t get enough of the guy.” So far, “Weeping Guy” has already spawned dozens of spin-off videos featuring YouTube users crying alone in their own homes, with hundreds more expected by the end of the day.
Canadian Prisoners Escape Via Helicopter #~# Two inmates at a Quebec prison made a dramatic daytime escape yesterday when two outside accomplices booked a local helicopter tour, demanded the pilot fly to the prison, and then lowered ropes for the prisoners to climb, though all were later apprehended. What do you think?
Packers Fan Blog Just Might Be Area Man’s Ticket Out Of Here #~# SHEBOYGAN, WI—Lifelong Packers fan and 33-year-old Sheboygan bartender Peter Cooke told reporters Sunday that his nine-month-old Packers fan blog—which just received its 1,000th visitor last week—might be his ticket to a better life.
Evidence Piling Up Mom Slept With One Of Her College Professors #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Citing “very strong evidence” that includes his mother saving several of her research papers from the course and how she often mentions how much her teacher meant to her, local teen Brandon Lipka, 15, told reporters Sunday that he’s beginning to suspect his mother had an affair with her art history professor while a student at Indiana University in the 1980s. “I noticed that, although Mom has never worked in any art-related field, she took multiple Art History classes in college, and she still has every one of Professor Waltham’s books all these years later,” said Lipka, who first began building his case when his mother seemed “almost too excited” several months after finding an old photo of herself and the professor. “Also, she always talked about a trip to Italy that they both went on, but now that I think of it, none of the stories ever have any of her classmates in it. That’s not normal, right? A field trip with just a professor and one student?” According to Lipka, the smoking gun was an inscription in one of the professor’s books that read, “I really enjoyed our time together, Anne. Yours, Gregory.”
Earliest Birds Had Four Wings #~# According to fossil analysis by Chinese scientists, some of the world’s first birds, which lived 150 to 100 million years ago, used feathered hind limbs as an additional set of wings and appear to have flown in a manner similar to biplanes. What do you think?
Saturday, March 23 #~# There’s no Bloodmobile this week. Still have some left over from last time, matter of fact.
Stupid Ponds, Faggy Rivers #~# National Geographic
Father And Son Take Incredibly Sad Annual Trip To Florida To Watch Mets In Spring Training #~# PORT ST. LUCIE, FL—In a long-standing and pathetic family tradition, father and son Anthony and Justin Stroud this week made their incredibly depressing annual trip down to Florida to watch the New York Mets play in spring training, sources confirmed Sunday. “Every year, me and Justin load up the minivan and head down to Tradition Field to watch our Metropolitans shake off the old cobwebs,” said Anthony Stroud, who sadly drove 18 hours from Trenton, NJ with his 24-year-old son to purchase $8 tickets for the Mets’ exhibition matchup against the Atlanta Braves. “It’s a bit of a hike, but it’s great to get up-close and personal not just with established Mets stars like John Buck and Lucas Duda, but also promising up-and-comers like Jenrry Mejia and Jordany Valdespin. Something tells me this is going to be a magical season.” At press time, the father and son were pitifully attempting to cheer on the Mets.
Dad Returns From Business Trip With Exotic Gifts From Idaho #~# ATHENS, GA—Following a business trip to the distant and mysterious land of Idaho, area sales representative Gary Chichester has returned home from the three-day sojourn bearing exotic gifts for his family, sources confirmed Sunday. “Behold, a lord’s ransom in magnificent spoils!” said the 43-year-old merchant traveler, presenting his wife with a delicate ceramic mug bearing the legend “Idaho: The Gem State,” a receptacle of the kind used for the consumption of coffee by inhabitants of the remote and alluring region. “And for you, my dearest children, these finely woven cotton vestments emblazoned with arcane Idahoan markings and with colorful etchings of an edible garden vegetable known to natives there as a ‘potato.’” Chichester then reportedly proceeded to uncork a vial of Crazy Rick’s Idaho Hot Sauce, a spiced distillation of the purest jalapeño and vinegar rarely attainable outside the Boise Airport.
Nadal Hits Shot Super Low To The Net #~# 'It Was So Close I Thought It Was Going To Hit The Net, But It Didn’t,' Says Nadal
GOP Senator Flips On Gay Marriage After Son Comes Out #~# Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH), a leading conservative who was on Mitt Romney’s shortlist for vice president, announced the reversal of his longstanding position against same-sex marriage, saying he had a change of heart after his son came out to him two years ago. What do you think?
Pfizer Kingpin Gunned Down In Ongoing Prescription Drug Cartel Turf War #~# NEW YORK—In the latest of an increasingly violent series of murders linked to international prescription drug trafficking, infamous Pfizer cartel leader Philip “El Loco” Cox was gunned down Thursday by rivals from the Bristol-Myers Squibb organization, the FBI has confirmed.
Scientists Theorize Existence Of NBA Roster Capable Of Supporting Dwight Howard #~# CAMBRIDGE,  MA—In a major breakthrough that has sent shockwaves through the basketball community, the nation’s preeminent scientists announced Thursday that a roster capable of supporting Los Angeles Lakers center Dwight Howard could theoretically exist somewhere in the NBA. “With 30 teams and over 400 players in the league, we believe a 15-man roster that is able to support Dwight Howard is out there somewhere,” said MIT theoretical physicist Dr. Jonathan Mueller, explaining that researchers are still looking for a lineup consisting of the perfect combination of elements, including balanced role players, a primary scorer with no traces of ego, and a low-pressure atmosphere, necessary to adequately sustain Howard. “We’ve come very close to developing rosters that could support him in isolated conditions, but they are incredibly unstable and always break apart in a matter of seconds. And we thought we had identified a suitable roster in Los Angeles last year, but it turned out to be far too volatile.” Mueller, who confirmed some progress has been made over the last year, expressed doubts that Howard will actually be able to successfully inhabit an NBA team within the foreseeable future.
2013 Spring Training Highlights #~# With baseball’s preseason heating up, Onion Sports examines the most exciting moments from the exhibition games. 
Attorney Friends Catch Up While Briskly Walking Down Courthouse Steps #~# NEW YORK—Sources confirmed Tuesday that local attorney friends Sam Taub and Peter Glickman unexpectedly met near the main entrance of New York County Courthouse and caught up on family, health, and their careers while quickly descending the building’s 16 front steps.
'Veronica Mars' Film Sets Kickstarter Fundraising Record #~# Fans of the UPN and CW show Veronica Mars, which aired from 2004 to 2007, set a record on the fundraising site Kickstarter, contributing more than $1 million in less than five hours to help finance a Warner Brothers–produced Veronica Mars feature film. What do you think?
America’s Meatiest Forearms #~# TLC
I Am Old And Confused And Paralyzed With Sexual Frustration #~# Hello.
Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing ‘B.A. In Communications’ On Résumé #~# SEATTLE—Calling his résumé “exceptional” and “like nothing we’ve ever seen,” the human resources department at local public relations firm Brink & Tiller called 22-year-old job applicant Corey Wilhelm immediately after noticing he had a Bachelor of Arts degree in Communications, sources confirmed Wednesday.
14-Year-Old Congressional Whiz Kid Balances Budget #~# WASHINGTON—At an age when most boys are going to Little League practice and playing video games with their friends, spunky Congressional whiz kid Paul Ryan, 14, has issued a comprehensive proposal to balance the federal budget, impressed Washington sources told reporters Thursday. “When I was 14 years old, all I was thinking about was having enough allowance money to buy comic books, but this little teen dynamo is actually trying to rein in annual spending and eliminate the deficit,” Congressman Earl Blumenauer (D-OR) said of the perky, high-school-age wonder boy, whose budget reform plan seeks to reduce government spending by $4.6 trillion by 2023 through a long-term fiscal policy that includes deep cuts to food stamps and other entitlement programs. “He comes in here every day in his little two-piece suit, with his snazzy haircut that it looks like his mom gave him, and you just have to admire the kid. Heck, he’s still three years away from applying for college, for God’s sake! I imagine he’s not too popular with the other kids his age, but I’m sure he’s used to that by now.” Despite their enthusiasm for the teen whiz kid’s pluck and hard work, Congressional sources were quick to note that Ryan’s budget plan made “absolutely no sense.”
Amazing Dance Prodigy Hopes New Ballet Will Inspire Her Dad To Notice Her For Once #~# Jim and Tracy meet the incredible ballet prodigy who choreographed an entire desperate plea for her father's attention all on her own.
Disney To Debut New Mickey Mouse Cartoons #~# A new series of 19 animated shorts featuring 85-year-old Disney icon Mickey Mouse, which will be set in modern-day versions of New York, Paris, Beijing, and other locales, is slated to premiere on the Disney Channel in late June. What do you think?
First Latin American Pope Chosen #~# Argentine Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, 76, was elected to the papacy yesterday, becoming the first Latin American and the first Jesuit pontiff in the Vatican’s history, and taking the name Pope Francis I. What do you think?
Next Episode Of 'Girls' To Feature Lena Dunham Shitting Herself During Gyno Exam While Eating A Burrito #~# NEW YORK—According to numerous critics’ reports, an upcoming episode of HBO’s hit comedy Girls features the show’s star, Lena Dunham, losing control of her bowels during a routine gynecological exam while eating a large burrito. “The scene is raw, it’s brave, and it’s the boldest thing we’ve seen Dunham do yet: a smart, unsanitized comedy of errors that perfectly captures the experience of being at the ob-gyn,” said Huffington Post television critic Kia Makarechi of the envelope-pushing episode, wherein the burrito-eating Dunham elects to be examined completely nude because hospital gowns make her “feel like she’s dying of bone cancer or something” and awkwardly flirts with the 55-year-old gynecologist before violently shitting herself and then asking if the doctor can prescribe her anything for her anxiety. “When a naked Hannah dribbled hot sauce all over herself in front of the doctor, shit in every corner of the office, cried, became angry with the doctor, had sex with the doctor, finished her burrito, had sex with the doctor again, shit herself again, and then realized who she was really angry at and sexually attracted to was Adam, I just closed my eyes and said, ‘Thank you.’ These are real girls with real bodies doing things that real girls do.” At press time, fans were abuzz after a tweet from Dunham hinted at an all-nude third season.
Saturday, March 23 #~# The winning team of the upcoming Mill Valley Peewee T-Ball Tournament will get a pizza party at the Little Caesars with cake and several two-liter sodas if you want to get in on that.
Opposition To Soda Ban Sad Proof That Americans Still Fight For What They Believe In #~# NEW YORK—The mounting opposition to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s proposal to prohibit the sale of large-size soft drinks served as sad and sobering proof that Americans are still willing to fight for the causes they believe in, sources confirmed Wednesday. “While many argue that people in this country lack the passion and general informedness to meaningfully participate in matters of public policy, the fierce outcry against the soda ban provides depressing evidence that this is not entirely true,” said New York University sociologist Dr. Marvin Schafer, pointing to the recent flux of pathetic petitions, public demonstrations, and fervent calls to the mayor’s office, all of which have been aimed at maintaining unimpeded access to soda and other sweetened beverages larger than 16 ounces. “This embarrassingly powerful demonstration of democracy shows that, when their backs are against the wall, Americans are unfortunately still very willing to band together and stand up for what they believe in most. Specifically, soda.” At press time, an online petition demanding the White House make clear its position on the use of combat drone strikes against American citizens had garnered 14 signatures.
Who Is Pope Francis? #~# After less than 24 hours of deliberation, the College of Cardinals has elected Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio from Argentina to become the Roman Catholic Church’s 266th leader, who will be the Church’s first-ever South American pope and who will be henceforth known as Pope Francis. Here are some facts about the new pope:
Pope Insanity MXLV Selected #~# VATICAN CITY—Following the ceremonial rising of the white smoke and pealing of the St. Peter’s Basilica bells earlier this afternoon, black clouds suddenly darkened the Vatican City sky as Catholic Church officials announced that the College of Cardinals had ended their two-day session and selected Pope Insanity MXLV.
Military-Trained Ukrainian ‘Killer’ Dolphins On Loose #~# Three dolphins trained by the Ukrainian navy to detect mines, attack enemies using guns or knives attached to their heads, and plant bombs on ships have gone missing in the Black Sea, with some speculating that the marine mammals deserted to look for mates. What do you think?
Impressive WBC Showing Gives Orlando Yntema Leverage At UVV Utrecht Contract Negotiations #~# TOKYO—In the midst of a successful run with the Netherlands national team at the World Baseball Classic, starting pitcher Orlando Yntema told reporters Wednesday that his impressive performance at the tournament will give him increased leverage when entering contract negotiations with Holland’s UVV Utrecht ballclub. “If I keep pitching like this, I’m definitely going to have the upper hand once I get to the bargaining table,” said Yntema, who indicated that his 2.70 ERA at the WBC would ensure him “at least” a two-year, €60,000 contract extension with his Dutch rookie league team. “And if our squad manages to take this thing all the way, I’ll be sitting pretty. Man, I would love to see the look on [UVV Chairman] Harm Janssen’s face after we bring back the hardware.” Yntema said that if UVV management fails to provide a fair deal, the 27-year-old would have no qualms about making his services available to any other team in the Honkbal Hoofdklasse League, including hated Utrecht rivals De Kroon Kinheim.
Sometimes I Wonder What Life Would Be Like If I Hadn’t Turned Down ‘Star Wars’ And Thrown Natalie Wood Off That Boat #~# You know, I’ve had a good life. I’ve amassed an amazing body of work, and my efforts have been well-rewarded. There’s really not much to complain about. Still, no one can help thinking how their life would have gone but for a few key decisions. For me, it’s wondering where I’d be today if I’d accepted the part of Han Solo in 1976, and if I hadn’t drugged Natalie Wood and thrown her from that boat off the coast of Catalina in 1981.
Mom Calmly Emptying Dishwasher As If Shrieking Argument Didn’t Happen 10 Minutes Ago #~# RUTLAND, VT—Kitchen sources reported Wednesday that local mom Tina Reyes is currently emptying the dishwasher with an impressively calm disposition, betraying no sign of the fact that just 10 minutes ago she was engaged in a vicious shouting match with her husband. Putting items into cupboards with a silent and careful efficiency, the 35-year-old mom is reportedly behaving like someone with no memory of the bitter, threat-filled argument that mere moments ago resounded throughout the entire house. Eyewitnesses confirmed the only audible sound now is the soft clink of silverware and plates as the mother of three inspects items to ensure they are dry and then files them with pinpoint accuracy into various slots and drawers. At press time, sources indicated that Reyes’ husband had returned to the kitchen and quietly offered to empty the rest of the dishwasher for her.
Rigorous Battery Of Tests Unable To Determine If Roommate Broke Up With Girlfriend #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Local resident Darren Callahan, 26, told reporters Wednesday that even after administering a rigorous battery of diagnostic tests, he has been unable to definitively conclude whether his roommate Paul Elmaleh, 25, has broken up with his girlfriend. “I asked him what he was up to tonight—if he was going out later or if Abby was coming over,” Callahan said of the comprehensive examination that reportedly provided insufficient data despite its inclusion of general prompts such as “How’s it going?” and “Man, rough week, huh?” “But even after getting answers to all these questions, I still can’t tell what’s going on with him.” After further testing confirmed Elmaleh’s high levels of irritability, anger, and depression, Callahan concluded that his roommate had almost certainly not broken up with his girlfriend.
CDC: Drug-Resistant Bacteria Pose ‘Nightmare’ Threat #~# The head of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a dire warning about antibiotic-resistant bacteria known as CREs, which after first appearing in 1996 have now been found in 42 states and were detected in 4.6 percent of all U.S. hospitals in 2012. What do you think?
Tuesday, March 19 #~# A group of eighth-graders will be meeting in the girls’ bathroom at Lincoln Middle School around third period to discuss the meanest possible thing they could say about Kelly Dixon.
The Bible #~# Lifetime
Arm & Hammer Representative Starting To Wonder What He's Doing At SXSW #~# AUSTIN—Saying that he was initially excited to attend South by Southwest, Arm & Hammer representative John Meyers told reporters Tuesday that he’s now uncertain how exactly the leading manufacturer of baking soda fits into the music, film, and interactive festival. “My boss gave me some explanation about why I was going—something about giving people an interactive household products experience—and it kind of made sense at the time, but now I’m a little confused,” said Meyers, 44, who spent the entire day Monday at the Arm & Hammer station handing out free baking soda and toothpaste. “I mean, we have a Facebook and Twitter account, but our web presence is pretty muted compared to what most of these people are talking about. Folks seem to appreciate the free deodorant, though.” At press time, Meyers was remaining mostly silent while seated on a panel entitled “Hardware Hacking: From DIY to Revenue.”
Judge Blocks New York City’s Soda Ban #~# Just one day before the rule was set to go into effect in New York City, a state justice blocked Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s controversial regulation banning the sale of sodas and other sugary beverages over 16 ounces. What do you think?
Nervous Pope Candidate Changes Wine Into Jesus Christ's Urine #~# VATICAN CITY—While undergoing the selection process at the ongoing papal conclave, anxious pope candidate Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi accidentally transformed the sacramental wine into Jesus Christ’s urine, the embarrassed church official confirmed Tuesday. “Shit, nobody drink that, it’s piss,” said a flustered Ravasi, moments after discovering he had transubstantiated the brimming contents of a Eucharist goblet into the Holy Messiah’s urine in front of more than 100 cardinals. “I swear, I’ve consecrated the altar wine into the blood of Christ a thousand times, but I just got so nervous with everyone watching me. Man, that smells nasty.” The bishop added that he hadn’t been this ashamed since an infamous 2003 Communion ceremony in which he distractedly converted the sacramental bread into a hardened disc of the Son of God’s fecal matter.
Kim Jong-Un, Justin Timberlake Meet To Pick New Pope, According To Shameless Attempt To Increase Web Traffic #~# VATICAN CITY—North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, pop star Justin Timberlake, the entire cast of Oz The Great And Powerful, LeBron James, and Samsung’s new Galaxy S IV smartphone convened at the Vatican Tuesday to begin the process of selecting a new pope, according to bald-faced, desperately sensationalistic reports aimed at boosting online traffic to a web publication. “As per Vatican tradition, the papal conclave opened today with a star-studded concert featuring One Direction, Adele, and Justin Bieber, and which included a mass performance of the Harlem Shake,” read the utterly shameless piece of content that was guest-edited by Barack Obama and was posted online at 10:30 a.m. on what happened to be a rather slow news day. “Afterward, following the ceremonial discussion of 10 shocking predictions about the upcoming season of Mad Men, the electors retired for deliberations behind closed doors at the Sistine Chapel, where they will use color-coded smoke signals to reveal the sex of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s unborn child.” Unabashed click-baiting sources confirmed that Cardinal Leaked Photos Of Apple’s iWatch appeared to be the clear favorite to become the next pontiff.
No One In Gang Has Heart To Tell Police Informant His Cover's Blown #~# LOS ANGELES—A full week into his infiltration of the East Side Crips, no member of the gang can bear to tell confidential police informant Hiram Loudon that his cover was blown roughly a day and a half after his recruitment, sources within the organization revealed Tuesday. “We’ve been on to him for weeks, but the poor guy’s trying so hard, we just don’t have the heart to break it to him,” said street soldier Dwight Allwood, who acknowledged he should have killed Loudon immediately the first time he noticed a wire poking from the informant’s jeans pocket but “just couldn’t bring myself to do it.” “He’s a sweetheart of a guy, and he’s clearly dedicated to what he’s doing—he learned all our gang signs and nicknames and everything. It’s going to be devastating for him when he realizes he’s been found out.” Admitting he has grown fond of the informant, Allwood said that when the time comes, he will probably shoot Loudon in the back of the head to avoid watching as the man’s face is blown off.
How The Papal Conclave Selects The Pope #~# The Vatican’s College of Cardinals will use an arcane, centuries-old process to select the next pope when it convenes the papal conclave this week. Here is the step-by-step guide to how the new pontiff will be chosen:
450-Pound Man Didn't Go To Doctor For A Lecture #~# RED OAK, IA—After his doctor ambushed him Tuesday with suggestions that his weight was becoming a serious health problem, 450-pound local man Dale Carver, 43, reportedly told his physician that he hadn’t come to his appointment for a lecture on how to live. “Look, professor, I didn’t come in here today for a lesson plan, so let’s maybe take it down a notch or two, okay?” said Carver, noting that he was a full-grown adult who had not signed up for a 15-minute sermon on the life-threatening risks of high blood sugar. “With all due respect, I’m not paying you for food recommendations, so if you could just prescribe me something for my high cholesterol and diabetes, that’d be great.” Sources confirmed that after receiving his prescriptions, Carver went outside, walked to his car, and then spent several minutes regaining enough breath to be able to drive home.
Papal Conclave Begins At Vatican #~# The Vatican’s College of Cardinals convened the papal conclave today, beginning the process of selecting the Roman Catholic Church’s 266th pope. What do you think?
Singing Dancing Boy Upset #~# LOS ANGELES –After tuckering himself out this week and cancelling his popular musical shows, sources confirmed that the singing dancing boy is very upset, and is refusing to get dressed up and sing and dance again until he’s feeling all better.
‘It’s Like Biggie And Tupac All Over Again,’ Says Dumbass Of Korean Conflict #~# CLEVELAND—Following reports of newly heightened tensions between North and South Korea, local imbecile Aaron Weiss, 29, concluded today that the escalating international conflict was highly reminiscent of the rivalry between popular 1990s rap artists Tupac Shakur and Christopher “Notorious B.I.G.” Wallace. “Here we go again; it’s like Bad Boy v. Death Row, Round Two,” said the stupendous dipshit, somehow managing to liken a highly complex geopolitical crisis to a decades-old hip-hop feud between two recording artists. “North Korea is Biggie and South Korea is Tupac. East Coast against West Coast. Simple as that. Let’s just hope it doesn’t end as tragically.” Sources confirmed Weiss is one of the biggest fucking idiots on the planet.
Word ‘Innovate’ Said 650,000 Times At SXSW So Far #~# AUSTIN, TX—Four days into the culture and technology component of the South by Southwest festival, event organizers confirmed Monday that the word “innovate” has been spoken 650,000 times thus far. “People are saying the word ‘innovate’ at a rate of 8.2 times per second, and at that pace we can estimate it will be uttered approximately 24 million times before the festival ends,” said SXSW coordinator Lucas Bryant, who noted that the phrases “increase social engagement” and “potential game-changer” have been said 950,000 times and 230,000 times, respectively. “Additionally, we’re charting a higher-than-expected usage of such standbys as ‘interactivity,’ ‘convergence,’ and ‘paradigm.’ And I suppose it goes without saying that the numbers for ‘shifting media landscape’ have been through the roof.” Bryant additionally confirmed the absence of the less common phrases “investment model,” “practical business strategy,” and “economic realities,” which together have been mentioned a total of zero times.
2,800 Pig Carcasses Found In Chinese Drinking Water #~# Over 2,800 pig carcasses of unknown origin were found clogging Shanghai’s Huangpu River, the main drinking water source for the city, sparking widespread fears of contamination. What do you think?
SXSW As Cool And As Real As It Gets, Reports Marketing Associate #~# AUSTIN, TX—While attending the fourth day of this year’s SXSW conference, Chicago-based marketing associate Tim Danner told reporters today that the music, film, and interactive festival is just about as cool, as alternative, and as real as it gets. “The great thing about South By is that practically everyone here is talking about the newest cutting-edge ideas, but the whole scene still has this super-chill underground vibe,” said the 33-year-old who went to business school, makes a six-figure salary, and develops marketing strategies for a living. “What I like most of all is that it’s not in New York or Los Angeles, but in Austin, which is like this cool little artsy town. That’s so awesome and so authentic, you know? And there are so many great indie rock bands playing here, too. I love indie rock music.” At press time, Danner was attending his 15th straight panel on the future of digital.
Iowa Fashion Week Begins #~# DES MOINES, IA—The greater Des Moines area was abuzz with excitement Monday as Iowa’s annual Fashion Week officially kicked off, opening a busy seven days of runway shows and clothing exhibitions showcasing Iowa’s hottest new styles from the state’s premier apparel and footwear designers.
Company Lacks Manpower To Complete Newest Round Of Layoffs #~# HOUSTON—High-level sources at the accounting firm McCall and Associates told reporters Monday morning that the company does not currently have enough manpower to perform a much-needed round of layoffs. “Downsizing is definitely on the agenda, but right now we just don’t have the staff necessary to take care of it,” said CEO David Carmichael, who explained that both the supervisors responsible for deciding which employees to terminate and the personnel tasked with conducting exit interviews had already been let go. “Trisha in HR used to take care of a lot of this stuff, but she was fired in the last round of cuts. My only hope now is that maybe we can hire a few temporary workers to take care of laying off some of these full-timers.” Carmichael then reportedly raised his eyes to survey his company’s completely empty offices, let out a long, deep sigh, and put his head down on his desk.
Ancient Giant Camel Found In Arctic #~# The remains of large 2,000-pound camels, which lived 3.5 million years ago, were recently unearthed from the Canadian arctic tundra, revealing that their modern desert-dwelling descendants first developed in a far colder environment. What do you think?
Stephen A. Smith's Dismissive Attitude Toward Hockey Gets People To Like Hockey #~# NEW YORK—ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith recently made several dismissive remarks about ice hockey this week, causing Americans across the country to flock to the sport in droves, sources confirmed Sunday. “Up until about a week ago, I never cared about hockey one way or the other, but ever since I saw Stephen A. Smith criticize the game, I’ve been a huge fan,” said local man Paul Bradford, echoing the sentiment of millions of Americans, who since the polemical sportscaster derided hockey have fanatically followed every wrinkle of the newly popular sport. “He said he doesn’t like it when a hockey game is low-scoring. Well, I love when that happens. Because I love hockey. It’s my favorite sport.” Bradford added that, in a further show of solidarity against any and all of Smith’s viewpoints, he and the rest of the nation would continue not watching the NBA.
Basketball Coach Sees Something In 7’3” High School Sophomore #~# CHICAGO—Explaining that he can sometimes spot raw talent just by looking at someone, Kelvyn Park High School basketball coach Keith Burris told reporters Thursday that he sees something in 7’3” sophomore Adrian Patton. “I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s definitely something special about that kid,” said Burris, who added that where others might see another random 7’3” teenager, he sees a basketball player with a lot of potential. “I think there’s a spark in him, and I think he could help us. We’ll try him out as a shooter, but I actually have a hunch the low post is where he’s going to shine.” Upon being invited to try out for the team in the fall, Patton reportedly told Burris that he can’t participate in sports due to severe arthritis.
Albany Bucket Museum #~# Learn about the history of buckets with a self-guided tour through the museum's four fascinating exhibits, then sit down and watch the hourly documentary about buckets and their role in winning America's independence.
God Worried He Fucked Up His Children #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying that maybe He wasn’t around enough and could have expressed His divine love a little better throughout the history of mankind, Our Lord God and Almighty Father expressed concern Thursday that He might have fucked up His children.
Justin Bieber Hospitalized After Fainting At Concert #~# Teen pop sensation Justin Bieber was seen struggling during a performance of “Beauty and a Beat” at a show in London last night before walking off stage and fainting out of view of the audience, and was later taken to a hospital. What do you think?
‘You’re My Best Friend,’ Says Obama To Drone That Appears Outside Bedroom Window Every Night #~# WASHINGTON—White House sources confirmed that after hearing a gentle tap on his window Thursday evening, President Barack Obama stepped out onto the Truman balcony to meet with the predator drone that appears outside his bedroom every night at 9 p.m. “Ah, there you are, old friend; almost thought you weren’t coming tonight,” the President reportedly said to the unmanned aerial vehicle before affectionately patting its antenna dome, telling the drone that it was “truly good” to see it, and asking about who it killed that day. “You’re the only one that gets me, the only one I trust. It’s just you and me from here on out, old pal. You’re my best friend in the whole world.” After leaning in, sharing a private joke with the remotely controlled vehicle, and laughing heartily, sources confirmed that the president said “Go get ’em!” and quietly watched the drone fly off into the night sky.
Let's Talk About How Fast I Can Run #~# Hey, everybody, anyone up for talking about how fast I can run? I think that sounds like a cool idea, especially in terms of who I am: an Olympic runner with a super-inspirational story. Over the course of my life I’ve talked a lot about how fast I am, and people always seem to be pretty intrigued by it. So let’s just talk for a while about how I’m this really fast runner.
Tim Duncan Around If Any Spurs Have Questions About Sequester #~# SAN ANTONIO—Stressing that it is a “very complicated socioeconomic issue,” Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly urged teammates Thursday to come to him with any questions or concerns they may have about the automatic federal spending cuts enacted by the ongoing government sequester. “You might not think it affects you guys, but San Antonio’s transportation infrastructure has already taken a hit due to forced staffing cuts, not to mention the potential $67 million loss of education funding,” said the three-time NBA Finals MVP, who recently sent the team a mass e-mail with a comprehensive breakdown of the $85 billion in cuts at both the federal and statewide level. “I’ll be around after practice, and if anything comes up later or you’d prefer to talk one-on-one, feel free to call me at home. I also have some additional literature on the subject, including Bob Woodward’s controversial The Price Of Politics, if you’re interested in reading up on sequestration yourself.” At press time, Duncan was e-mailing his local congressmen to suggest a $55 billion reduction in defense spending and a 4 percent tax increase on adjusted gross incomes over $5 million in order to balance the budget.
FBI Tracks Down Elusive Picture-Disc Version Of Herb Alpert’s ‘Whipped Cream And Other Delights’ #~# WASHINGTON—Following a three-month search involving more than 1,000 officers, FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III announced Tuesday that his agency has located an elusive picture-disc pressing of the 1965 hit album Whipped Cream & Other Delights by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. “After canvassing hundreds of crates in Salvation Army locations across the country, as well as the pursuit of innumerable dead-end eBay leads, we can now confirm that this classic instrumental-pop record from the golden age of A&M is finally in FBI custody,” Mueller said while showing reporters the iconic image of a young woman covered in whipped cream on the color-vinyl album, which the bureau purchased from an online vintage LP forum user for $18.90 and a trade of four Stiff Little Fingers 7-inches. “It’s a little scratched up, but it’s still in good enough condition that it will continue to appreciate in value.” Mueller concluded by stating that an APB was still out for the 1984 Poland-shaped single “Warsaw In The Sun” by Krautrock pioneers Tangerine Dream, and that anyone with information regarding its whereabouts should send an e-mail to fedvinylfreak@fbi.gov.
Onion Sports' Guide To The 2013 NCAA Bubble Teams #~# With March Madness just around the corner, Onion Sports provides in-depth analysis on which teams will make or miss the NCAA tournament.
TSA To Allow Small Knives On Planes #~# Partially reversing rules that have been in place since the 9/11 attacks, the Transportation Security Administration announced that it would begin allowing passengers to bring pocketknives with blades shorter than 2.36 inches onto planes beginning on April 25. What do you think?
Guy's Entire Job Just Asking People If They Have Time For A Quick Chat #~# BLAWNOX, PA—According to employees at Honeycutt-Talbot Communications, Associate Manager Ross Urbansky’s sole professional responsibility appears to be walking around the office and periodically asking employees if they have a minute or two for a quick chat. “Essentially the only task I’ve ever seen Ross execute as an employee of this company is to pop by someone’s desk, ask them how they’re doing, and then say he’s wondering if they have a second to sit down later for a real quick check-in,” said human resources director Justine Griggs, adding that she sees Urbansky perform this specific function at least two or three times in the course of every workday. “I literally have never seen him do anything else. He must just be having quick chats with people all day, although I’ve never actually seen him having a quick chat, only asking people if they have time for one. And the thing is, I’m pretty sure the guy makes over six figures.” At press time, Urbansky was wondering if account manager Jeff Powell maybe had time around 3 p.m. or so for a quick chat.
TSA To Allow Small Terrorists On Planes #~# ARLINGTON, VA—In a notable relaxation of its existing security protocols, the Transportation Security Administration announced Thursday that it will henceforth allow small terrorists on commercial aircraft. “After reviewing our longstanding policies, we have decided to ease our boarding requirements to allow any terrorist 5 feet tall or shorter to enter the airplane cabin,” TSA administrator John S. Pistole said in a prepared statement, specifying that any violent radical attempting to pass through security will be subject to an additional screening ensuring they weigh less than 135 pounds and are no broader than 18 inches at their widest point. “It’s a simple system that hopefully everyone will be able to understand. We will also display a height chart outside security checkpoints so as to eliminate any confusion.” Pistole added that any terrorists not falling within the acceptable boarding dimensions will have to be checked.
Rand Paul Filibusters For 13 Hours To Protest Drones #~# Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) held up the confirmation process of President Barack Obama’s CIA nominee by filibustering for nearly 13 hours, protesting the administration’s failure to rule out drone strikes against American citizens on U.S. soil. What do you think?
Crazed Gunman Critically Injures 4 #~# Cashier Lisa Gunman Goes On Mass Stabbing Spree
Photo Of Masked Gunman Released #~# ‘This Was Taken During Halloween,’ Says Lisa Gunman
Police Continue Search For Missing Gunman #~# ‘She Left Her Wallet At The Cheesecake Factory,’ Authorities Say
Lone Gunman Enters Crowded Restaurant #~# ‘I’m Just Meeting A Friend For Lunch,’ Says Lisa Gunman
Gunman Kills Zero At Kansas City Area Mall #~# ‘Look, I Can’t Help My Name,’ Says Macy’s Cashier Lisa Gunman
Value Of U.S. Dollar Plummets After Joe Flacco Signs NFL's Richest Contract #~# BALTIMORE—Economists expressed shock this week as the value of the U.S. dollar plunged by more than 98 percent after Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco signed the NFL’s richest contract.
New Samsung Phone To Be Controlled By Eye Movements #~# According to sources, new eye-tracking technology in Samsung’s Galaxy S IV smartphone, which is set to debut on March 14, will allow users to scroll through webpages and applications by simply moving their eyes. What do you think?
Dow Jones Index Reaches Record High #~# Despite the sluggish recovery and the federal government’s sequestration budget cuts, the Dow Jones industrial average closed at 14,253.77 points yesterday, the highest level ever, surpassing the previous record set in October 2007 before the financial collapse. What do you think?
Wait, Why Can't We Eat Other People Again? #~# You know, sometimes I think about how our society has all these unwritten rules, and how weird it is that we have these rules to begin with. We have so many little dos and don’ts in our culture that we all blindly follow, even when, frankly, they don’t always make a whole lot of sense. Think about it: We’re told from a young age to keep our elbows off the dinner table, and to always shake hands when we meet someone, and that the salad fork has to go on a certain side of the plate, but is there any real good reason why we actually do these things?
New Social Media Startup Launches, Shuts Down Within 45 Minutes #~# PALO ALTO, CA—FrendTrend, a new social media startup that branded itself as “a fun, intuitive way to connect and share with friends online,” celebrated its long-awaited launch at 9 a.m. this morning, shuttering its doors later this morning at 9:45 a.m.
Pretty Cute Watching Boston Residents Play Daily Game Of ‘Big City’ #~# ‘It’s Fun Watching Them Hustle And Bustle Around Like They Live In A Major Metropolis,’ Nation Says
Man Not Sure He’s Dynamic Enough To Work At Local Marketing Firm #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—An online listing for a job at area marketing firm BizKo Solutions has left local man Ryan Urlich unsure whether he is truly dynamic enough to qualify for the position, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I’m willing to work in a fast-paced, deadline-oriented environment, sure, but am I really a dynamic self-starter?” said the 29-year-old college graduate, adding that this is the first time he’s ever considered whether he’s “a results-driven, high-energy ‘A’ player capable of providing cutting-edge insights.” “I suppose I can reimagine a brand, but can I go into a job interview, look someone in the eye, and tell them I’m a strong strategic thinker with the creative vision to drive brand awareness in an increasingly global marketplace? I don’t know if I can.” According to reports, Urlich ultimately decided not to apply for the job, saying he needed to take a few days to “really stop and think” about how dynamic he truly is so that he doesn’t waste anyone at BizKo’s time.
231 CIA Agents Killed In Overt Ops Mission #~# WASHINGTON—The CIA has announced that 231 agents were killed Wednesday during a sensitive and highly overt operation overseas, the deadliest incident to strike the agency’s Overt Ops program in nearly a month.
Jets Say Tim Tebow May Still Have Prominent Role As Scapegoat #~# NEW YORK—Contradicting statements made last year, New York Jets general manager John Idzik announced Monday that the team is still interested in keeping Tim Tebow on the roster as a much-needed excuse for next season’s struggles. “In terms of being a scapegoat, we’ve never denied Tim’s effectiveness,” said Idzik, even suggesting that both Tebow and Mark Sanchez could return to split time as a major media distraction. “We relied heavily on Tebow every game last year, and we think he could be our fall guy again. But don’t get me wrong, we’re considering all our options when it comes to finding players we can pin all our problems on. As you saw, we just worked out David Garrard last week, who has years of scapegoat experience.” Idzik told reporters that the Jets will also consider platooning several overpriced free agents and high draft picks as scapegoat.
Grandma's House #~# Why not load up the kids and head on over to grandma's house? She has candies, and who knows, she might be dead this time next year.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez Dies #~# Hugo Chávez, Venezuela’s divisive leader for the past 14 years and a vocal detractor of the United States, died of cancer yesterday at the age of 58. What do you think?
U.N. Aid Workers Distributing Food To Malnourished KFC Customers #~# FOREST LAKE, MN—Responding to an ongoing humanitarian crisis, U.N. aid workers reportedly descended on a local KFC Wednesday to deliver much-needed food to the restaurant’s critically malnourished customers. “In all my years in the field, I’ve never come across a group of people who have gone so long without a proper meal,” said U.N. humanitarian affairs director Gloria Dominguez, confirming that aid workers had distributed whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and other vital nutrients to patrons of the KFC location. “We’re doing everything we can, but conditions on the ground here are desperate. In addition to their pervasive malnutrition, these people clearly don’t have access to suitable sanitary facilities, and the stench is almost unbearable. It really breaks your heart.” Dominguez noted that other U.N. aid operations in the area include a teen-pregnancy prevention program at a local Dairy Queen and a dysentery-outbreak clinic at a nearby White Castle.
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of March 6, 2013 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Appearance Of Dennis Rodman Most Normal Thing To Happen In North Korea #~# PYONGYANG—The recent appearance of former Chicago Bulls forward Dennis Rodman in North Korea was reportedly the most normal thing to transpire in the country in recent memory, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Our Supreme Leader [Kim Jong-un] was pleased to share in the company of Mr. Rodman as the two enjoyed time together conversing, dining, and watching basketball, which honestly was just about the most ordinary thing I’ve ever seen around here,” an anonymous source within the North Korean government said of the flamboyant NBA star’s relatively conventional diplomatic visit, which reportedly featured little of the group chanting, elaborate costumery, and synchronized acrobatics that define everyday life in the East Asian nation. “Really, this was just a run-of-the-mill episode in which the leader of North Korea spent a couple of days with a 6’7” tattooed Hall of Famer known as ‘The Worm.’ And I guess a few of the Harlem Globetrotters were here at one point. Pretty standard stuff, all things considered.” At press time, North Korean authorities had reportedly taken the unidentified government contact into custody for communicating with Western media, thereby signaling a return to the nation’s customary routine.
Poll: 99% Of Human Beings Would Prefer Big, Slobbery Hound Dog Pope #~# WASHINGTON—Ahead of the College of Cardinals’ upcoming conclave to select a new pope, a Gallup poll conducted this week found that 99 percent of the global population would prefer that the next head of the Roman Catholic Church be a large, slobbery hound dog with big, saggy jowls. “When presented with a variety of options, respondents across all demographics were nearly unanimous in voicing their preference that Vatican ceremonies, including Easter and Christmas masses, be presided over by a droopy-eyed basset hound with a big, tall pope hat sitting atop his floppy ol’ ears,” said pollster Diane Warnell, who noted that well over 9 out of 10 of those surveyed, including Catholics, expressed a strong desire to see a ceremonially clad dog pontiff roll around on his back in St. Peter’s Basilica, bark to a large crowd of worshippers from a Vatican balcony, or place his front paws up on a table and steal a ham sandwich right off of someone’s plate. “The remaining 1 percent of respondents, however, said they would be open to a hound dog pope if the big guy tuckered himself out after a day of sniffing and chasing and took a doggy nap right there on the altar.” According to numerous reports and allegations, the only hound dog in contention for pope, Cardinal Bruiser, is believed to have sniffed the genitals of at least 32 minors.
Second Sinkhole Opens In Tampa #~# Less than a week after a Tampa, FL man and his bedroom were swallowed by a now 30-foot-wide and 60-foot-deep sinkhole, a new chasm in the earth opened between two buildings just a few miles away, though no one was reported injured. What do you think?
Area Man Unsure If He’s Supposed To Want Hugo Chavez To Die Or Not #~# ROCKVILLE, MD—After noticing several news stories about the failing health of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, local man Spencer Gutowski, 45, struggled Monday to figure out if the death of Chavez was something he was supposed to be pleased about or not. “He’s bad, right? I mean, I’m pretty sure he’s one of the bad ones, but maybe he’s good?” Gutowski told reporters, adding that he believes Chavez is a Communist, which, according to Gutowski, means he should probably want Chavez dead, although he is not entirely certain. “Fidel Castro is bad and I want him to die, and I think Chavez is sort of like him, maybe. I also think I’m not supposed to like Venezuela. But then again [President] Bush didn’t like Venezuela, and I didn’t like Bush, so…” Sources later confirmed that Gutowksi asked if something at some point happened between the Venezuelan leader and actor Sean Penn in which Penn either ended up liking or not liking Chavez.
Headline With Words ‘HIV Baby’ In It Somehow Turns Out Okay #~# NEW YORK—A recent newspaper headline that included the words “HIV Baby” somehow managed to turn out okay by the end, numerous readers confirmed Tuesday. “I saw the words ‘HIV Baby’ staring back at me and I thought, ‘Oh boy, here we go,’ but then, shockingly, it actually turned out to be totally fine,” local man Harold Jennings said of the surprisingly uplifting headline, which reportedly concluded with the word “Cured” instead of the words “Born Prematurely,” “Dies In Womb,” or “Cases Continue To Mount.” “I got through the whole headline—again, a headline containing the words ‘HIV Baby’—and there was nothing in it about Africa, or doctors losing hope, or an infant being born addicted to heroin. It was actually, well, a happy story, I suppose. I mean, what are the chances, right?” Jennings added that he attempted to read the full article but, after learning the baby in question was expected to live a long, healthy life, he “kind of lost interest.”
Obnoxious Friend Won't Stop Attaining Major Life Milestones #~# 30-Year-Old Married, Pregnant Law School Grad Needs To Slow It Down
Sharks At Risk Of Extinction From Overfishing #~# According to a new ecological report, nearly 100 million sharks are killed each year by humans, driven in large part by Asian nations’ demand for shark fin soup, and many species could be fished to extinction within decades unless new protections are enacted. What do you think?
Giant Hole Swallowing Up Your House Added To List Of Things To Worry About #~# SEFFNER, FL—Following a Florida man’s sudden death last week after his bedroom collapsed into a 20-foot-wide sinkhole, the possibility of a giant cavity in the earth opening up and swallowing your entire house has now reportedly been added to the list of things one must worry about on a day-to-day basis. “Well, on top of everything else, it looks as though I now have to be legitimately afraid of the earth itself suddenly consuming my house, my family, and everything I own,” said local man Jared Palmer, 38, who noted that his usual list of everyday financial, parenting, social, and mortality-based phobias was only compounded by the prospect of being helplessly sucked into a subterranean cavern. “Sure, why not? I already spend most of my day worrying about disease, home invasions, hurricanes, and car accidents. I could use a few hours to bat around the idea of the very ground beneath my feet eating me alive.” Urging the public to remain calm, government officials issued a statement indicating that while falling into a sinkhole and dying is indeed a possibility, the average American is far more likely to die from a lack of adequate health care, in an exchange of gunfire, or while in prison.
Boyfriend Forced To Express Secondhand Outrage #~# GREENSBORO, NC—According to sources, local boyfriend Martin Daniels was compelled to display secondhand outrage Monday as his girlfriend, Linzi Rosario, vented about a recent incident in which a coworker behaved inconsiderately toward her. “Ugh, I can’t believe she did that,” Daniels reportedly forced himself to say, employing a tone of disgust he hoped would convince Rosario he understood why she was upset. “You’re right. She was way out of line. I remember you saying she’s done that before, and it’s awful that she did it again. I’d be mad, too. I am mad.” At press time, with Rosario continuing to detail her coworker’s behavior, sources said Daniels had decided he should go ahead and spend the next five seconds or so shaking his head to convey a sense of commiseration.
Baby Cured Of HIV #~# After being placed on antiretroviral medications beginning 30 hours after its birth, a child born HIV positive was found to be completely free of the disease two and a half years later, offering hope for a potential cure for the roughly 330,000 infants born with the infection each year.
Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression #~# SAN DIEGO—Shortly after losing grip of a helium-filled balloon and watching it float into the air above the San Diego Zoo Tuesday, local child Caleb Tremont, 3, reportedly began a battle with chronic depression that will last for the rest of his life.
Dr. Seuss' Lesser-Known Titles #~# The late Theodor Seuss Geisel, known to generations of fans as children’s author and illustrator Dr. Seuss, would have celebrated his 109th birthday on Saturday. Here are some of his lesser-known works:
Rats’ Brains Connected Via Internet #~# Creating the first ever brain-to-brain interface, scientists have connected the brains of lab rats via Internet cables, allowing the animals to communicate motor information to one another even when they’re thousands of miles apart. What do you think?
Josh Lemberg #~# Josh Lemberg made sure not to get any of the other dogs’ hopes up while choosing a pet at the local shelter
Sacramento Kings Perfectly Execute Throw-Ball-Out-Of-Bounds Play #~# SAN ANTONIO—Performing with rare efficiency and startling precision, the otherwise struggling Sacramento Kings perfectly executed their offense against the Spurs Friday, when the team ran a flawless throw-the-ball-out-of-bounds play. “John Salmons threw it out to the wing, [Jason] Thompson passes it me, and I send it right over DeMarcus Cousins’ head out of bounds,” said guard Tyreke Evans, who also contributed a textbook shoulder shrug and head shake to the play.  “It was a huge confidence builder to have everything go as planned. We might try something more complicated where the center sets a pick, rolls to the left, and I dribble the ball off my foot.” At press time, Kings head coach Keith Smart was working with players on a new call-a-timeout-when-we-have-none-left play.
New Study Finds 'The Onion' Has Never Been More Popular, More Beloved, Or More Respected #~# WASHINGTON—Following one of the finest and most widely praised weeks in the history of The Onion, a new study published today found that the trusted news outlet has never been more popular, more admired, or more respected among Americans, with record numbers of readers saying the last five or six days in particular constitute a veritable high watermark for the company. “I love The Onion’s reporting now more than ever, especially their social media presence and live coverage of events, and I can’t think of anything that has happened recently that would make me think they are anything but flawless and beyond reproach,” said Onion reader James Harte, echoing the opinion of 311 million Americans who ranked the paper above all other news outlets in areas such as fairness and credibility, and who said they are unable to recall a single instance, particularly recently, in which they’ve ever been displeased with anything The Onion has said or done. “And even if they were to experience a crucial misstep—which I doubt would ever happen—I would absolutely still have their backs. After all, The Onion is a 248-year-old institution with a history of spotless reportage, and nothing can tarnish that.” At press time, the editorial staff of The Onion had confirmed that they could not remember having a better week at work, nor could they remember ever having felt so happy in general with their lives, nor more content with the state of the world as a whole and their place in that world.
Look, It’s Come Down To This: Either I Have To Murder John Boehner Or He Has To Murder Me #~# Well, here we are again. The nation is on the brink of a fiscal catastrophe, and the leaders of Congress and myself have repeatedly failed to reach a compromise. Sure, we’re going to try to avert this crisis with a series of tense negotiations, but the fact is, it’s come down to this: Either I have to murder John Boehner or he has to murder me.
Netflix Sends Message To Check If Area Man Okay After Watching Entire Season Of ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ In Single Sitting #~# CLARKSBURG, WV—Video-streaming service Netflix reportedly checked in on local customer Shane Fowler late Tuesday after a marathon viewing session in which the 31-year-old watched the entire third season of the TV series Sons Of Anarchy in one sitting. “Hey, bud, just wanted to make sure everything’s all right over there. You doing okay?” read an e-mail Fowler received after he finished watching more than a dozen consecutive 45-minute episodes of the FX motorcycle gang drama. “We noticed you’ve kind of been burning through a lot of shows lately, and we just thought we’d check to see if everything’s all right at work and at home and what not. As long as you’re good, we’ll get out of your hair, but if there’s ever anything you need, let us know, okay? Cool.” Sources confirmed Netflix’s top 10 list of suggestions for Fowler currently includes going outside for a bit of fresh air, meeting new people, and checking out all 13 episodes of the website’s critically acclaimed new political series House Of Cards.
Dennis Rodman Calls Kim Jong-Un 'Awesome Guy' #~# During a goodwill trip to North Korea, former NBA star Dennis Rodman was seen palling around with the country’s leader Kim Jong-un, whom Rodman called a “friend for life,” while also praising Kim’s father and grandfather, Kim Jong-il and Kim Il-sung, as “great leaders.” What do you think?
NFL's Top 2013 Free Agents #~# With the NFL free agency period starting on March 12, teams are expected to once again dole out huge contracts. Onion Sports examines the best available players.
Final Police Report: Only 20,000 Killed During Ravens' Super Bowl Parade #~# BALTIMORE—After taking under a month to sort through the carnage from the Ravens’ Super Bowl victory parade, Baltimore police issued an encouraging report Friday, revealing that the festivities had resulted in just 20,278 fatalities.
Barber Just Latest In String Of Humans To Feign Interest In What Area Man Says #~# BLANCHESTER, OH—Sources confirmed Friday that the person currently cutting local man Russell Elko’s hair is merely the latest in a long line of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of human beings who over the course of the 30-year-old’s lifetime have pretended to be interested in what he says. “Really? Huh, I hadn’t realized that,” said the barber, absentmindedly nodding his head in much the same way Elko’s officemate, his most recent girlfriend, his second-grade teacher, the man who sold him coffee this morning, his primary-care physician, his childhood babysitter, and the OB-GYN who assisted in his birth have also done. “Well, I’m glad to hear it.” Reached for comment, Elko said the lack of interest makes sense, as he, too, is often completely bored with what he has to say.
Millionaire To Send Married Couple To Mars #~# American multimillionaire Dennis Tito, famous for being the first space tourist in 2001, announced plans to finance a 500-day mission that would send a spacecraft carrying a married civilian couple to fly by Mars and then return to Earth. What do you think?
Sandra Day O'Connor Regrets ‘Bush V. Gore’ #~# Former Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O’Connor said the court’s decision to hear the case of Bush v. Gore during the contested 2000 general election may have been a mistake and claimed it harmed the court’s reputation. What do you think?
'Help Has To Be On The Way Now,' Thinks Syrian Man Currently Being Gassed #~# HOMS, SYRIA—As Syrian military aircraft rained chlorine gas on his community Tuesday, local man Amir Najjar, 36, reportedly assured himself that military and humanitarian aid from foreign governments must certainly be racing toward the country at this very moment to protect him and other helpless civilians. “The United States and many other nations publicly stated that the use of chemical weapons was a line that President [Bashar] al-Assad could not cross and would draw a swift and overwhelming response, so I have 100 percent confidence they are on their way to save us right now,” the man reportedly thought to himself as the deadly and internationally banned toxin began to destroy his lung tissue and compromise his respiratory abilities. “Even if I do not survive, at least I can die knowing that someone is currently stepping in to prevent any more grotesque and inhumane loss of innocent life. After all, the international community fully recognizes that anything less than decisive action would be completely immoral and unconscionable.” The collapsing man then reportedly took solace as he witnessed an entire brigade of armed UN peacekeepers flood into his city with vital relief supplies in a hallucination caused by the systematic shutdown of his brain functions.
Secretary Of Interior Takes Presidential Oath Of Office #~# 'I Still Can't Believe The President, Vice President, Speaker Of The House, President Pro Tem, Sec. Of State, Sec. Of The Treasury, Sec. Of Defense, And Attorney General Were All In That Hot-Air Balloon,' Says New President Sally Jewell
Area Woman Has No Idea She Will Hate Jennifer Lawrence 7 Years From Now #~# BELLINGHAM, WA—Praising the actress’ laid-back personality and skill as a performer, local woman Becca Miser told friends Tuesday how much she likes movie star Jennifer Lawrence, unaware that she will completely turn on the actress and hate her in seven years’ time. “She has such a great sense of humor, she doesn’t have a huge ego, and she’s really down to earth compared to a lot of other celebrities,” Miser said of Lawrence, whom in the year 2020 she will call “completely fake,” “so self-involved,” and “trying way too hard.” “I could totally imagine hanging out with her in real life. And I think she’s so beautiful, too.” At press time exactly seven years from today, Miser is telling her friend that Lawrence “needs to lose some fucking weight.”
Article About One World Trade Center Building Includes Paragraph Explaining 9/11 #~# NEW YORK—A news article published Tuesday about how One World Trade Center will soon become the tallest building in the Western Hemisphere contained a paragraph explaining the events of Sept. 11, sources confirmed. “The new high-rise comes as the result of the attacks on Sept. 11, 2001, which destroyed both World Trade Center buildings,” read the paragraph, which came towards the end of the article and proceeded to explain that the militant Islamist organization al-Qaeda, led by global terrorist Osama bin Laden, was responsible for the destruction. “During the attack, roughly 3,000 Americans were killed when two hijacked airliners were flown into the towers, ultimately causing them to collapse. One World Trade Center will occupy the same location where the original World Trade Center stood.” Upon reading the piece, millions of readers were reportedly thankful for the paragraph, saying they were unaware as to why a new building was being built in lower Manhattan, and were “relieved” to learn that Osama bin Laden was killed nearly two years ago during a raid of his compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan.
'Loud, Desperate Need For Approval' Leads Tony Nominations #~# NEW YORK­­—With the announcement of the 67th Annual Tony Award nominations Tuesday morning, new Broadway musical Loud, Desperate Need For Approval is leading the pack with an impressive 13 nominations while chief rival Look At Me, Look At Me, Please, God, Look At Me follows close behind with 11 nods in many of the same categories. “This has been an incredible year for Broadway; so competitive, in fact, that even a great show like All-Consuming Narcissism might actually get shut out,” said Deadline.com entertainment reporter Mike Fleming Jr., who went on to say that competition for actors is equally fierce as heavyweights Bottomless Need For Validation Stemming From Childhood Neglect and Naked Self-Obsession face off for best leading actor in a play. “The adaptation of Shrill, Needy Histrionics got a surprising amount of love from Tony nominators for a play that closed in March to mixed reviews, but perhaps the biggest surprise is British import Shameless And Barely Disguised Cry For Attention’s snub. No one saw that coming.” According to sources, despite the buzz surrounding Flashy, Masturbatory Horseshit for best revival of a musical, sources confirm that it is almost certainly Pippin’s year.
After Checking Your Bank Account, Remember To Log Out, Close The Web Browser, And Throw Your Computer Into The Ocean #~# At Chase Bank, we recognize the value of online banking—it’s quick, convenient, and available any time you need it. Unfortunately, though, the threats posed by malware and identity theft are very real and all too common nowadays. That’s why, when you’re finished with your online banking session, we recommend three simple steps to protect your personal information: log out of your account, close your web browser, and then charter a seafaring vessel to take you 30 miles out into the open ocean and throw your computer overboard.
New Study Finds Nothing That Will Actually Convince You To Change Your Lifestyle So Just Forget It #~# CHICAGO—Though it contains several significant discoveries with a direct bearing on human health, a comprehensive study published this week in The Journal Of The American Medical Association has found no data that will in fact convince you to change your lifestyle in any way, so what’s the point of even telling you about it? “Rigorous, controlled study of hundreds of volunteers has revealed a dramatic trend toward nothing that will make you take better care of yourself, or alter your behavior in a meaningful sense, thus leading us to conclude we’re all wasting our time here,” said study author Dr. Janice Carlisle, who added that 85 percent of Americans probably tuned out the second they heard the word “study” anyway, because isn’t that just how people fucking are. “Well-established scientific facts about long-term health meant nothing to you last year, and they’ll mean nothing to you this year or any year after until you die, so forget it. Just do what you want.” Carlisle added that the new research might also help explain the role a sedentary lifestyle plays in—look, no one has even read past the first sentence of this news story, so there’s really no reason to go into it, now is there?
Chris Berman Loudly Weighs In On Jason Collins Story #~# BRISTOL, CT—Following professional basketball player Jason Collins’ revelation that he is a homosexual, making him the first active player in a major American team sport to come out as gay, ESPN analyst Chris Berman reportedly loudly weighed in on the groundbreaking story Tuesday. “Ah!” screamed SportsCenter viewer David Nichols, putting his hands over his ruptured eardrums as Berman thunderously bellowed about Collins becoming the first openly gay NBA player. “What? Hello? Oh my God, I can’t hear my voice! I can’t hear my voice!” According to sources, Berman’s blaring rhetoric on Collins was the broadcaster’s most deafening since his 2009 discourse on whether Alex Rodriguez’s alleged steroid use would prevent him from entering the Hall of Fame blew out every single pane of glass on the Eastern Seaboard.
1 World Trade Center To Become Tallest Building In West #~# With the installation of the final piece of its 408-foot spire, 1 World Trade Center in New York City will become the tallest building in the Western Hemisphere and the third tallest on earth, reaching a symbolic height of 1,776 feet. What do you think?
Dolphins WR Mike Wallace Comes Out As Stupid Asshole #~# MIAMI—The sports world was shocked today as Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace outed himself as a stupid asshole, sources close to the professional football player confirmed. “I’m really proud of Mike for coming out and openly admitting he’s a complete fucking asshole,” said Wallace’s former Pittsburgh Steelers teammate Troy Polamalu after the Dolphins receiver posted on Twitter announcing that he is and has always been an insensitive, ignorant fuck. “Of course, most of us already knew Wallace was a worthless sack of shit just from the way he talked and acted. But for him to have the courage to open up about the fact that he’s a total prick is fantastic. I’m really happy for him.” Polamalu added that now that Wallace has bravely come out as an absolute dipshit, it could pave the way for other professional athletes to reveal that they themselves are intolerant dumbfucks in the near future.
McDonald's May Offer Breakfast All Day #~# The president and CEO of McDonald’s hinted that the fast food giant may soon make its breakfast menu available around the clock, while also noting that the company is considering meal delivery services and loyalty programs for customers. What do you think?
Gay Teen Still Going To Buy LeBron James Jersey #~# LAWRENCEVILLE, NJ—After learning NBA center Jason Collins became the first active player from a major American team sport to come out as a homosexual, gay 15-year-old Kyle Morgan confirmed Monday that he still plans to buy a LeBron James Miami Heat jersey. “That’s great for Collins and all that, but have you seen LeBron this season? The guy is amazing,” said the gay teenager, noting that James will “go down as the greatest NBA player of all time when all is said and done.” “He can shoot, he can pass, he can defend every position—he can do everything. And he’s absolutely unstoppable when he’s driving to the rim. As soon as I have enough money, I’m definitely getting a Heat away jersey with ‘James’ on the back.” While Morgan confirmed that he proudly supports Collins’ decision to come out, the gay teen told reporters that James is “far and away [his] biggest role model.”
Jihadist Woman Wishes Her Sons Could Be More Like Those Tsarnaev Boys #~# SANA’A, YEMEN—Weeks after bombing suspects Tamerlan and Dzhokar Tsarnaev’s alleged attack on the Boston Marathon that left three dead, local Yemeni woman and fervent jihadist Adila Nasser told reporters Monday that she wished her sons could be as dedicated to killing American infidels as those passionate Tsarnaev boys. “I always say to my sons Omar and Hazim, ‘Look at the Tsarnaevs. They’re basically your age, and there they are, waging a holy war against the West,’” said Nasser, adding that if her sons were half the religious zealots the Tsarnaevs are, she’d be happy. “Sure, Omar and Hazim sit around and talk about raining fiery jihad down on America, but would they ever actually get up and do something about it like Tamerlan and Dzhokar? I don’t know. Maybe I’m messing up as a parent by constantly comparing them.” Nasser added that the mother of the alleged Boston bombers, Zubeidat Tsarnaeva, “must be so proud.”
Weekend Encounter With Coworker Never Acknowledged #~# LUBBOCK, TX—Despite a pleasant two-minute chat following a chance encounter at a local restaurant over the weekend, coworkers Ned Haines and Rupert Walford greeted each other at the office Monday with little more than a cursory nod, sources at TexTech Solutions reported. “Hey, man,” Haines said as he passed Walford in the hallway, his tone and expression betraying no sign that the pair had for the first time ever run into each other outside of work and engaged in a friendly exchange about their weekend plans, their wives, and their children. “Hey,” answered Walford, as though he in some way regretted the one moment of relative intimacy in their two-year-old work relationship. Experts predicted that the incident would never be spoken of again, with conversations between the pair actually becoming even more strained for the next six weeks or so.
Sparrow Thinks It Might Have Caught Bird Flu After Puking Seeds All Morning #~# ANKENY, IA—After vomiting seeds for three straight hours this morning, a local sparrow told reporters it is worried it might have contracted the deadly H7N9 avian influenza. “I told my warbler friend whose buddy got bird flu recently, and he was like, ‘Ken, relax, it’s not bird flu—you just ate some bad seeds,’ but still, I’m kind of freaked out,” said the concerned passer domesticus, adding that it’s pretty sure it is exhibiting at least a few of the major symptoms related to the treatment-resistant illness spreading throughout the Hunan province. “As soon as I left the nest this morning, I felt like total shit. Five minutes later, I’m puking all my seeds up. I don’t even have any more seeds left to puke—I’m just dry heaving from my beak now.” The sparrow then told reporters it would try to get some thistle in its stomach and hope its condition doesn’t get worse.
Dzhokar Tsarnaev Finally Moves Off Campus #~# BOSTON—After living in residence halls during his first three semesters at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, sophomore student Dzhokar Tsarnaev was finally able to get a place of his own and move off campus this week, the 19-year-old told reporters. “Last semester I shared a double room with a guy at Pine Dale Hall, but now I’ve got a place off campus with no roommate, which is nice,” the engineering student said of his new living arrangements, a 10-by-10-foot room located on the first floor of a decommissioned military base about an hour and 40 minutes north from the university. “It’s been pretty sweet so far. The building is really safe, I don’t have to share a sink with anyone, and living off campus is a lot cheaper than the dorms. Of course, the downside is that the neighbors suck. But I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, so I’m glad I finally did it.” Tsarnaev added that although he’s no longer required to be on a meal plan, he decided to sign up for the 10-meal-per week option and add some extra Dining Dollars.
'Fuck You,' Obama Says In Hilarious Correspondents' Dinner Speech #~# 'No, Really, Fuck Every One Of You'
At Moment Like This, Tebow Doesn’t Know Who To Turn To #~# NEW YORK—Following his release from the New York Jets, NFL quarterback Tim Tebow told reporters Monday that at a moment of distress and confusion such as this, he is unsure who to turn to. “At times of uncertainty, it is sometimes not immediately obvious what the league has in store for you next,” said Tebow, adding that though he is frustrated with the lot he has been given, it is not his place to question the will of the Jets’ front office. “Even in this, my darkest hour, I can take comfort in the existence of a higher power who will protect me and take me in, such as [Chicago Bears general manager] Phil Emery. Or perhaps the big man upstairs, [Dallas Cowboys owner] Jerry Jones, holds the key.” Though Tebow emphasized that he remains unsure of what purpose the league has for him, many football analysts said they expect the quarterback will ultimately end up walking in the healing light of the Canadian Football League.
Features Of George W. Bush Presidential Library #~# The technologically advanced and highly interactive George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum will open to the public on May 1 in Dallas. Here are some of the notable features of the museum:
Average Teen Will Spend $1,139 On Prom #~# Following a brief downturn in recent years due to the flagging economy, the average teen’s spending on prom this year is expected to rise to $1,139, with much of that money supplied by parents to pay for tickets, attire, hairstyling, and transportation. What do you think?
Astros TV Crew Already Out Of Things To Say About Team #~# BOSTON—One inning into Sunday’s game between the Houston Astros and the Boston Red Sox, sources confirmed that the Astros’ television broadcasting crew has already run out of things to say about their baseball team. “Top of the second, and, uh, that means we’ve got eight innings to go,” said Houston play-by-play commentator Bill Brown, who along with fellow booth analyst Alan Ashby has reportedly exhausted such Astros-related topics as the team’s recent move to the American League, pitcher Bud Norris’ disappointing start, and the unique turf composition at Houston’s Minute Maid Park. “You know, this year the Astros have had to adjust to life in the AL, and—oh, wait, we just did that. Uh, what do you think, Alan?” At press time, the audio portion of the Houston broadcast had consisted solely of the sound of the two announcers breathing for six full innings.
Meet the Press #~# NBC
Yankees Warn Eduardo Nunez To Stop Showing Up Derek Jeter By Making Routine Plays At Shortstop #~# NEW YORK—Multiple reports from within the New York Yankees clubhouse confirmed Saturday that team officials have warned shortstop Eduardo Nunez to stop showing up injured team captain Derek Jeter by making routine plays in the field and at the plate. “Every cleanly fielded ground ball sends a pretty strong message that Eduardo is trying to upstage Derek,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi, who blasted Nunez for having the audacity to turn a double play without a throwing error, claiming the commonplace display of physical capabilities clearly reminds fans of Jeter’s advancing age and declining skills. “He needs to just cut it out; he’s making Derek look bad. Last week, when Eduardo legged out an infield single, that was like a direct slap in the face to our team captain.” Girardi, however, lauded third baseman Kevin Youkilis for helping everybody forget that Alex Rodriguez is still on the team.
Mike D'Antoni Calls Phil Jackson To See If He's Interested In Lakers Head Coaching Job #~# LOS ANGELES—After losing the first two games of their first-round playoff series against the Spurs, Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni reportedly called Phil Jackson Friday to gauge his interest in the team’s head coaching job, sources confirmed. “Honestly, Phil, I think you’d be a really great fit here,” D’Antoni was overheard telling Jackson, adding that the championship-winning coach’s signature triangle offense would “really work wonders” for the team’s personnel. “You’re the type of guy these players would really respond to, and you’d have pretty much total free reign to institute your brand of basketball. If you want the job, it’s basically yours.” Sources confirmed that over the past two weeks, injured Lakers star Kobe Bryant has reportedly called Phil Jackson several times a day, pleading with him to take over as head coach.
10-Year-Old Wishes Unemployed Father Couldn’t Make It To Just One Of His Little League Games #~# MODESTO, CA—Speaking with reporters before a game Monday, local Little Leaguer Nathan Garrett expressed his heartfelt wish that, just once, his unemployed father could not make it out to see him play.
3 Men Deported From Saudi Arabia For Being ‘Too Sexy’ #~# Authorities reportedly removed three men from a festival in Saudi Arabia and sent them back to their native United Arab Emirates for being “too handsome,” one of whom posted a number of photos of himself on Facebook that show him wearing eyeliner. What do you think?
USDA Rolls Out New School Brunch Program For Wealthier School Districts #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that every affluent child in America has the right to a well-balanced brunch, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced the launch of a $40 million school brunch program aimed at distributing brioche french toast and smoked salmon to the nation’s richest school districts. “We found that 70 percent of students in wealthy communities were not receiving their recommended allowance of eggs Benedict and fresh-squeezed orange juice,” Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack told reporters Friday. “Quite simply, we believe all children of privilege deserve a proper, well-composed brunch plate with complimentary jalapeno cornbread mini muffins and honey butter on the side. With this new program, we can finally begin to offer the superior culinary experience that until now has been sorely missing in school cafeterias from Greenwich, CT to Palo Alto, CA.” Department officials said that if its brunch program proves successful, they remain open to the possibility of spending an additional $80 million annually to add live jazz music.
Athlete Arrested #~# HOUSTON—According to numerous sources, a star athlete of the city’s professional sports team was reportedly arrested in the late hours of yesterday evening.
Divorce Has Been Pretty Rough On Screen Door #~# WATERVILLE, ME—The ongoing divorce of Julia Blanchard and Russell Ochoa has been pretty rough on the screen door that leads from their house to the back porch, sources confirmed Friday. In recent months, the bitter fights and growing distance between Blanchard, 37, and Ochoa, 36, have reportedly placed an undue amount of stress on the aluminum-framed sliding door, which has become increasingly frayed around the edges and appears to be splitting apart at its seams. Further reports confirmed the breakup has also taken a heavy toll on the kitchen cabinets and even a couple of windows, with the bedside lamp having a pretty close call as well. Sources said the divorce has been great for the downstairs couch, however, which is finally starting to get some regular use.
Milwaukee Fans Urge Bucks To Stop Blocking View Of Miami Heat #~# MILWAUKEE—While attending Thursday’s first-round playoff matchup between the Miami Heat and the Milwaukee Bucks, frustrated fans repeatedly urged their hometown team to stop blocking their view of the visiting Heat squad, sources confirmed. “Hey, get out of the way!” shouted Bucks season ticket holder Gary Bolden, who later told reporters he didn’t want Milwaukee players like Monta Ellis and Ersan Ilyasova obstructing his view of Miami superstars LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Ray Allen. “Come on, I paid good money for these seats! Go to the other side of the court and stop playing defense so I can watch these guys dunk! Oh, cool, you’re letting them dunk.” At press time, Bolden was attempting to get a better look at the Miami Heat by moving to one of the many vacant seats in the largely empty Milwaukee arena.
Last Night's Live Coverage Of The 2013 NFL Draft #~# @OnionSports wasted its time on the first round of the NFL Draft so you didn't have to.
Vanilla Ice To Work With Amish In New TV Show #~# Rapper Vanilla Ice will star in a reality show on the DIY Network titled Vanilla Ice Goes Amish, in which the “Ice Ice Baby” singer will live among an Amish community in Ohio to learn their construction methods. What do you think?
Realistic-Bodied Women #~# Oxygen
BREAKING: Andy Reid Trades First Overall Pick For Bite Of Bacon Double Cheeseburger #~# NEW YORK—After several minutes of intense negotiations, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid agreed to trade the team’s No. 1 overall pick in the 2013 NFL draft for a bite of a bacon double cheeseburger, repeatedly insisting that the offer was too juicy and dripping with melted cheddar to refuse. “Sure, Texas A&M left tackle Luke Joeckel might provide excellent quarterback protection for the next 10 years, but this bacon double cheeseburger is just massive and loaded with succulent charbroiled beef patties,” said Reid, who was also impressed by the sandwich’s four strips of crispy bacon. “Sure, there’s a risk that this bacon double cheeseburger might not be as good as it looks. But I’ve watched and carefully studied this sandwich, and I believe it’s the real deal. No matter what, I always trust my gut.” At press time, the Chiefs general manager and scouts were shocked and horrified after watching Reid consume the entire bacon double cheeseburger in a single bite.
NFL Teams' Pre-Draft Needs #~# Onion Sports thoroughly examines the major needs of some NFL teams heading into the 2013 NFL Draft:
Bill Clinton Joins Twitter #~# Former president Bill Clinton sent out his first tweet last night under the name @billclinton and has already amassed some 400,000 followers. What do you think?
Manti Te'o Informed He'll Go First Overall To Nebraska Pioneers #~# NEW YORK—Ending any speculation about the top pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Nebraska Pioneers have reportedly informed Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o that they will select him with the first overall pick. “Coach Pfeiffer called this morning to say the Pioneers are taking me first,” said Te’o, who confirmed that he has agreed to a tentative four-year, $32.5 million contract with the Omaha-based Pioneers. “Obviously, it’s a huge honor, and I’m so excited to work alongside Tom Brady, Justin Smith, Calvin Johnson, and the rest of my new teammates. We’re going to shake things up in the NFC Midwest this year.” Sources indicated that Te’o later declined to talk with the Minnesota Vikings about drafting him 25th, telling team officials that they were “too late.”
Westboro Baptist Church Not Really Sure Why They’re Picketing Allan Arbus' Funeral #~# LOS ANGELES—Picketing outside a cemetery in Los Angeles today, members of the Westboro Baptist Church confirmed to reporters that they actually aren’t entirely sure why they chose to protest the funeral of television actor Allan Arbus. “Wait, who is this guy again? Some sort of TV star?” said church member Jill Holland while trying to find any real reason whatsoever why the death of Arbus, a fashion-photographer-turned-actor best known for his role as Dr. Freedman in the popular sitcom M*A*S*H, was God’s way of punishing America for its moral decay and cultural decadence. “As far as I know, he wasn’t gay or bisexual, or the victim of a high-profile mass shooting or terror attack, or an American soldier killed in combat or anything like that. In fact, I’m pretty sure we’re just holding ‘God Hates Fags’ signs outside the funeral of some 95-year-old man who used to be on television for a while.” At press time, church members had overheard that Arbus was of Jewish descent and said, “Okay, well, that’s something.”
Obama Orders Reinvasion Of Iraq After Illuminating Trip Through Bush Presidential Library #~# DALLAS—After taking an “eye-opening” tour of the newly dedicated George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum in Dallas Thursday, President Barack Obama reportedly ordered the United States military to reinvade Iraq.
KurrencyKook.com Gives New $100 Bill Mixed Review #~# WASHINGTON—Currency-themed website KurrencyKook.com weighed in on the Department of the Treasury’s soon-to-be-released 2013 line of $100 bills with a decidedly mixed review Thursday. “Overall, the bill is crisp and the inking is neatly done, and yet I can’t help but see this entire redesign as a bit of a missed opportunity,” said veteran currency reviewer John “The Buck” Mullen, who gave the banknote “62 cents out of 100” in his 1,100-word write-up. “The fine-line printing on the Benjamin Franklin portrait on its obverse is excellent, without a doubt, but ultimately, this only mildly pleasing bill is far from the Treasury’s best effort. It leaves one wondering, the farther away we get from the stunning 1996 redesign, if the Treasury will ever again match those lofty heights.” KurrencyKook’s review contrasted sharply with that of rival site MoneyManDan.com, which claimed the new bill was “the kind of legal tender design you dream about: elegant, forward-thinking—and, if I may, this baby looks like a million bucks.”
'I Want A Divorce,' Peter King's Wife Says Just Before He Tells Her About Best Defensive Backs In 2013 Draft #~# NEW YORK—Moments before launching into a long diatribe about the 2013 NFL Draft’s top defensive backs, Sports Illustrated writer Peter King’s wife Ann reportedly told her husband she wanted a divorce, sources confirmed on Thursday. “Peter, it’s over; I want a divorce,” said Ann, packing her suitcase as her husband momentarily paused and then explained that Dee Milliner and David Amerson can provide solid run support for any team that needs it, that Jonathan Banks’ lanky frame doesn’t mean he’s not one of the most physical guys in this entire draft, and that if you’re looking for a tough corner with solid cover skills, you won’t get much better than Washington’s Desmond Trufant. “Listen, Peter, I don’t want to hear about this right now.” As his wife left the house and closed the door, reports confirmed that King was talking incessantly about the natural athleticism of Texas safety Kenny Vaccaro.
Report: Folks, Bette Midler Is Back On Broadway And Not A Minute Too Soon #~# NEW YORK—According to a report released this week by the Brookings Institution, actress, singer, and comedienne extraordinaire Bette Midler is finally back on The Great White Way in a dynamite new one-woman show and, people, it’s about time, too, because that woman is just a knockout performer, pure and simple. “Our analysis shows that the Divine Miss M has returned to Old Broadway in top form and, frankly, would you expect anything less?” read an excerpt from the report, which is right on the money, folks, because that woman can sing, that woman can act, and that woman has more talent in one little finger than most people have in their whole bodies. “Further analysis shows, conclusively, that happy days are here again, friends: The blonde diva’s back in full force as she channels Hollywood super-agent Sue Mengers in a performance that’s vintage Midler. Do yourself a favor and run, don’t walk, to the Booth Theater.” At press time, only Garland and Merman at their peaks could hold a candle to Midler, and even saying that might be a bit of a stretch.
Couple At Point Where They're Comfortable Using Toilet At Same Time #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Saying they had reached a point in their relationship where they were comfortable around each other at all times, local couple Adam Eickholt, 30, and Erin LeDuc, 28, told reporters Thursday they no longer have a problem using the toilet at the same time. “When we first started dating four years ago, we would always wait until the other had gotten off the toilet before we would even think of using it ourselves, but after a couple years living together, it was just like, ‘Who cares?’” said LeDuc, claiming that her and her boyfriend’s simultaneous use of the toilet had, over time, just become part of their normal routine. “It’s perfectly natural, and it’s not like it’s anything we haven’t seen before. So now, if I need to relieve myself while Adam’s already using the toilet, I just sit right down and go. It’s no big deal.” LeDuc and Eickholt later stated, however, that while they know it’s something most couples are okay with these days, using the same sheets of toilet paper is a line they just won’t cross.
Report: Come On, Carl, Pull It Together #~# Yes, Carl Mendel Of Dayton, Ohio, We Are Talking To You
Onion Sports 2013 Mock NFL Draft #~# Conventional draft wisdom says to take the best player available, but sometimes a team needs something different. With that in mind, here’s how Onion Sports predicts the first 10 picks of the NFL Draft will go:
Nation Wonders How Ad Guys From Vitaminwater Do It #~# NEW YORK—Mere weeks after Vitaminwater launched its wildly popular “Make Boring Brilliant” ad campaign, Americans everywhere are reportedly at a loss to explain the boundless creative talent of the marketing visionaries currently promoting the beverage. “Every ad they put out is just so funny—how do they keep coming up with this stuff?” 37-year-old New York resident Dan Swardzke said Thursday, echoing the responses of people across the nation who agreed there was definitely some “serious genius” going on in the advertisements. “I’d love to know more about how they come up with their material. You watch some of their stuff and you think, ‘Man, I wish I’d come up with that myself!’ They are truly the masters of modern comedy.” At press time, sources confirmed that Swardzke had just seen the most recent of the ads and elatedly shouted, “Oh my God, they did it again!”
Study: Fame May Shorten Lifespan #~# An analysis of obituaries appearing in The New York Times between 2009 and 2011 found that people who were classified as “famous”—such as sports figures and performers—lived, on average, several years fewer than those in other fields. What do you think?
Your Grandmother’s House #~# The bushes out front are long gone and some guy named Steve lives there now.
Bus Stop Near An Old Friend Of Kurt Cobain’s #~# The iconic grunge singer most likely walked past this stop on several occasions. Unless this is one of those new bus stops that they put in a few years ago.
Gwyneth Paltrow Named World’s Most Beautiful Woman #~# Just days after Star magazine declared her the “Most Hated Celebrity,” People magazine named actress Gwyneth Paltrow as the “World’s Most Beautiful Woman” for 2013, succeeding last year’s winner Beyoncé. What do you think?
Islamic Extremist Gives Up On Radicalizing Dim-Witted Friend #~# PHILADELPHIA—After months of attempting to indoctrinate his friend with the militant ideology of Islamic fundamentalism, local man Khalid Sayed, an Islamic extremist actively working to create a worldwide community of Muslim believers through violence and terrorism, said he has decided to give up radicalizing his dim-witted friend Omar Alibek.
High School Students Line Up For School Oil Portrait Day #~# BLUE SPRINGS, MO—Holding onto their order forms and making last-minute adjustments to their outfits and hair, students at Blue Springs Senior High lined up by homeroom in the school gymnasium Monday to pose for their annual school oil portraits, sources reported. “It’s great to get out of class for a bit on oil portrait day, though it is kind of annoying to have to sit exactly how they tell you on that little stool and hold still and smile for five hours while they paint your image on a stretched canvas,” said 10th grader Austin Burkhart, who confirmed that his mother had ordered the portrait vendor’s deluxe package, which includes a dozen wallet-sized oil paintings and two 8-by-10-inch portraits suitable for gilded framing, as well as Burkhart’s choice of a mottled blue or smoky gray backdrop. “I hope it comes out okay. Last year I accidentally blinked and it completely ruined my oil painting.” Sources noted that any student who was absent on school oil portrait day would be represented by a post-Impressionist still life of a bowl of fruit in the high school’s yearbook.
Man Says ‘Fuck It,’ Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M. #~# CHICAGO—Reasoning that he’s a grown adult who can eat food whenever he damn well pleases, local man Kyle Dunedin, 30, reportedly decided at 10:58 a.m. Wednesday that, fuck it, he was ready for lunch. “Who cares?” Dunedin said before putting on his jacket and leaving his office for a nearby sandwich shop. “It’s almost 11 o’clock, and I’m hungry. Do I give a flying fuck that it’s still morning? No, I do not. I’m getting food right now, and no one can do a goddamn thing to stop me.” According to sources, at 1:35 p.m. Dunedin had determined that, fuck it, if his coworkers were heading out, there was no reason he couldn’t join them and eat lunch again.
Area Man Now Checks Inside Boat In Driveway Every Morning #~# WAUKEGAN, IL—After learning Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar Tsarnaev had been hiding inside a boat parked in a Massachusetts man’s backyard, 46-year-old Ethan Bryer told reporters Wednesday that he now makes sure to check the interior of his 30-foot bowrider every morning. “After what happened in Watertown, I’m not taking any chances,” said Bryer, explaining that before leaving for work, he always carefully lifts the tarp of his boat with a baseball bat in hand. “These days, you never know who could be hiding in there. I check my boat before going to bed at night, too.” At press time, Bryer was slowly approaching his boat.
Romney Drops By To See How Down-And-Out Family He Met On Campaign Trail Doing #~# CANTON, OH—According to reports, former presidential candidate Mitt Romney stopped by Wednesday morning to check up on Allen and Brenda Spearing, a financially strapped mother and father of three with whom he met briefly and had his photo taken while campaigning last year.
Dzhokar Tsarnaev Posts Bail #~# BOSTON—Days after being apprehended for his alleged role in last week’s Boston Marathon attack, suspected bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev reportedly posted bail earlier today, prompting authorities to release him from custody. “At approximately 8:00 a.m. this morning, the suspect’s attorney posted his $2,000 bond, making Mr. Tsarnaev a free man for the time being,” Boston Police Department Commissioner Edward Davis told reporters at a press conference hours after Tsarnaev’s discharge from Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center, adding that the 19-year-old terror suspect is not considered a flight risk due to his high recognizability and injured state. “Per the terms of his bail, the suspect will be unable to leave the state of Massachusetts and must check in with officers once a week until his trial date. Should he violate the terms of his release or fail to show up for trial, he stands to forfeit the entirety of the bond.” Tsarnaev was unable to be reached for comment.
Kim Kiper Puts Husband's Mock Draft Up On Fridge #~# TOWSON, MD—Kim Kiper proudly displayed her husband’s 2013 NFL mock draft on the refrigerator door Wednesday, claiming that the 52-year-old football analyst worked very hard hand-writing a list of potential selections for every single team in the league. “Mel was so cute when he came running into the kitchen excited to show off the mock draft that he made all by himself,” said Kiper, adding that her husband is often content to sit on the floor of his room all day quietly pretending to choose draft picks for NFL teams. “The smile on his face was priceless when I told him that I was going to put it up on the fridge where everyone can see the good job he did. I’m very pleased that he didn’t have any tantrums this year. Sometimes he gets so frustrated after mixing up the draft order that he throws a fit and stomps around the house for hours.” Kim Kiper, who attempted to encourage and praise her husband, admitted to reporters that she had to help him make selections for picks five through 32.
I've Been Having Some Pretty Fucked-Up Bread Thoughts Lately #~# I consider myself a regular duck. I float around the pond, I waddle through the park, I fly south for the winter, and every so often I get to thinking about eating some bread. Sure, we all enjoy the occasional daydream about some nice old man sitting on a bench tossing us sandwich crust after sandwich crust, but I’ve gotta say, recently I’ve been having some really fucked-up bread thoughts.
Is That Even A Prank? #~# TruTV
Stonehenge Seeking General Manager #~# The British agency that maintains Stonehenge, the ring of large stones believed to have been erected between 4,000 and 5,000 years ago, has begun soliciting applications for a new general manager of the monument, a position that will pay $99,000 a year. What do you think?
Al-Qaeda Plot To Derail Train Thwarted By Canadians #~# Canadian authorities apprehended two individuals who allegedly planned to cause a derailment on a passenger train traveling from Toronto to New York City, a plot they claim was directed and guided by al-Qaeda elements in Iran. What do you think?
I Guess When My Older Brother Said 'Let's Bomb The Boston Marathon,' I Should Have Said No #~# I’ve had a lot of time to think the last few days as I’ve been sitting here in my hospital bed. I’ve reflected on my life and the choices I’ve made, and I’ve tried to figure out exactly where things really took a turn for the worse for me.
Surgeon General Warns Teens Cinnamon Challenge Is Not For Pussies #~# WASHINGTON—According to an announcement Tuesday by the Surgeon General’s office, the “cinnamon challenge”—a new fad in which teens attempt to swallow spoonfuls of cinnamon without water—may be hazardous to pansy-ass teens who aren’t cool enough to handle it. “Spice-induced choking and aspiration cases can result in coughing, vomiting, and, in severe cases, pneumonia when undertaken by a total pussy who clearly has never been laid,” said U.S. Surgeon General Regina M. Benjamin, adding that lame little bitches who probably aren’t popular and will never be popular should refrain from inhaling powdered tree bark. “It is the recommendation of this office that if you’re not the type of person who will cry home to mommy because of a little toxic exposure to cinnamic aldehyde, you should take the challenge. Everyone else is doing it.” Benjamin went on to say, “Come on, it’ll be hilarious.”
Citing Battle Of Agincourt, Tim Duncan Urges Lakers Not To Get Too Discouraged By Game 1 Loss #~# SAN ANTONIO—Following the Lakers’ 91-79 loss in Game 1 of their playoff series, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly urged his opponents Tuesday not to be discouraged, reminding them of England’s underdog victory against the French during the Battle of Agincourt in 1415. “Remember, the English were outnumbered 6 to 1, so they had the odds stacked against them, too,” said Duncan, noting that the Lakers should remain focused and positive, “much like the English knights bravely marching into Pas-de-Calais amidst a bloody Hundred Years’ War.” “If Henry V taught us anything that day, it’s that an organized, cohesive unit can turn around any so-called lost cause, so keep your heads up. Sometimes you simply need to find an innovative new approach, as the King did setting his longbowmen on the flanks of the defile to attack Charles d’Albert’s oncoming cavalry.” Duncan added that while the Lakers should take heart from England’s unexpected military triumph, they should also always honor the memory of the estimated 10,000 soldiers from both sides who gave their lives during the 15th-century battle.
Report: Majority Of Americans Now Answering To Name 'Lardface' #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report published Tuesday by the U.S. Census Bureau, an estimated 54 percent of Americans now turn around whenever they hear the phrase “Hey, Lardface” spoken, up from 48 percent just five years ago. “Following a continued deterioration of dietary habits and a nationwide plummeting of self-esteem, people who respond to the name Lardface now make up a solid majority of the U.S. population,” acting census director Tom Mesenbourg said at a press conference, adding that in some parts of the nation the moniker is so common it has even begun to lose its negative connotation. “Similar results, particularly in the Midwestern states, have been tabulated for names such as Fat Fuck, Tubby, Tubbo, and Wide Load.” After hearing these last words spoken, several journalists in attendance reportedly looked up from their notepads as if someone were addressing them.
Study: Wolf Attacks Still Leading Cause Of Death In U.S. #~# BETHESDA, MD—According to a new study released Monday by the National Institutes of Health, for the 25th straight year, violent wolf attacks remain the leading cause of death in the United States.
Wolf Blitzer Decks Boston Man Who Hasn’t Been Healed By Red Sox Baseball #~# BOSTON—In a CNN segment titled “The Healing Power of Sports,” a visibly angered Wolf Blitzer reportedly decked a Boston man Sunday who claimed that, while Red Sox baseball was certainly a welcome distraction from the events of last week’s bombing, it hasn’t relieved him of his tremendous sadness and grief. “What do you mean you aren’t completely healed? The team you love played a baseball game! Feel better!” said a frustrated Blitzer, who told the man he was “ruining the feel-good narrative we’re trying to construct” before delivering a hard right cross to his face. “Baseball means normalcy, so you should feel normal now. You got the National Anthem, David Ortiz gave a rousing speech, people yelled ‘Get your hot dog here!’ What more do you need to get over the fact that your freedom and liberty were taken away in an instant?” Before falling unconscious, the beaten man reportedly managed to answer Blitzer by saying, “Time.”
Russia Launches 8 Gerbils, 15 Lizards, Fish Into Space #~# Analyzing the effects of long-term space travel, Russia launched a capsule into orbit containing mice, geckos, gerbils, snails, fish, and a variety of microogranisms, which will all be monitored for 30 days before returning to Earth, when they’ll be euthanized. What do you think?
Gun Show Vendor Jokes With Insane Customer About How He Hopes He's Not Insane #~# ANDERSON, IN—While he was selling mentally unstable customer Bernie Lovell a brand-new hunting rifle earlier this afternoon, local gun show vendor Mark Palmer joked with the new firearm owner and insane man about how he “sure hopes” he’s not insane. “Boy, that sure would be something if you turned out to be one of those lunatics who shoots up a school or a mall or whatnot, right? Ha, ha!” said Palmer, laughing unknowingly with a clinically deranged individual about how the man “better not be a crazy person.” “Promise not to do that? Ha, just kidding! Anyway, you need some ammo with this?” Immediately after the two finished laughing, Lovell grabbed the rifle, stared blankly at Palmer’s face for 20 seconds, and left the gun show.
There Are People In World Who Are Concerned About Current State Of Hip-Hop #~# NEW YORK—A report published Friday by a team of sociologists has confirmed there are apparently people living in the world today who are deeply concerned about the current state of hip-hop and who continually express genuine worry over the musical genre’s future.
Taylor Swift Now Dating Watertown Boat #~# BOSTON—Following a string of highly publicized breakups, sources confirmed today that singer-songwriter Taylor Swift is now dating the 22-foot Watertown, MA Sea Hawk pleasure cruiser in which alleged Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev sought shelter while evading the FBI Friday. “Taylor was seen cozying up to the Watertown boat over dessert at Finale last night, and we can confirm that the two are officially an item,” Hollywoodlife.com blogger Bonnie Fuller reported of the budding romance between the 23-year-old multiplatinum crooner and the bloodied, bullet-ridden watercraft, nicknaming the couple “Swiftboat.” “Fans said that Taylor nuzzled up to the boat all night, even wearing its tarp out of the restaurant and playfully kissing its hull. Taylor has said she wanted to date a normal, small-town kind of guy for some time now, and this unassuming Watertown boat seems like the perfect fit for her.” At press time, sources confirmed the besotted pair were taking a romantic cruise of the Charles River.
Reese Witherspoon Arrested For Disorderly Conduct #~# While her husband was receiving a DUI Friday, Reese Witherspoon was arrested for disorderly conduct when she disobeyed officers’ orders to stay in the car and defiantly questioned whether they knew who she was, behavior she admitted she was “deeply embarrassed” by. What do you think?
Head Of NBC Suddenly Remembers He Meant To Cancel ‘Rock Center’ 8 Weeks Ago #~# NEW YORK—Claiming that it “somehow totally slipped [his] mind,” NBC CEO Steve Burke suddenly remembered Monday that he had meant to cancel the weekly news magazine program Rock Center With Brian Williams eight weeks ago, sources confirmed. “Wait, that thing is still on the air?” Burke reportedly said upon realizing he hadn’t yet removed the underperforming show from the network’s lineup of programming. “What night is it on again? Oh, man. Sorry about that. You know, I had it marked down in my calendar to cancel it and I just totally spaced. My fault.” Burke added that it was ultimately not a big deal that he forgot to cancel the show, as “it’s not like anyone would have noticed either way.”
Shocked Dzhokar Tsarnaev Always Thought Classmates Were Really Great Judges Of Character #~# BOSTON—After fellow students at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth expressed surprise at Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar Tsarnaev’s alleged role in last week’s fatal attack, a shocked Tsarnaev told reporters today that his classmates had always seemed like they were excellent judges of character. “When I first read in the paper that my classmates thought I was ‘a really nice kid,’ I was stunned,” said Tsarnaev, emphasizing that “not in a million years” would he have suspected that his fellow undergraduates might turn out to be the types of people who would not notice that there was something deeply wrong with Tsarnaev. “I mean, they always seemed like such intelligent, perceptive individuals, but then you learn that they thought I was a normal, friendly, charismatic guy. It’s incomprehensible.” Tsarnaev added that it “just goes to show you never know with some people.”
iTunes Store Turns 10 #~# Apple’s innovative online music and media store iTunes will turn 10 years old on Friday. Here are some of the most notable milestones in its decade-long history:
Nation Starting To Realize New Era Of American Innovation Never Gonna Happen #~# WASHINGTON—After nearly a decade of promises that the nation was on the brink of a technological, economic, and scientific golden age, citizens across the country confirmed Monday they are now realizing a bold new era of American innovation is just flat-out not gonna happen.
‘The Onion’ Guarantees All Who Watch New Amazon Series Shall Be Spared #~# CHICAGO—With the long-awaited series debut of Amazon Studios’ Onion News Empire poised to set the world of online entertainment ablaze today, sources close to the media juggernaut say that The Onion would like to assure the nation that every viewer who watches the free premiere will be spared and no harm will come to them. “Those who click on this link right here and watch this new television program shall count themselves among the lucky ones,” Onion director of marketing Brianna Farris-Zweibel said of the new digital series from Amazon. “However, those who choose to defy the will of The Onion shall pay the consequences, and the consequences shall be swift and merciless. It is your choice, reader.” The Onion added that fans who view the entire series would have the option of seeing their families spared as well.
New Girl #~# FOX
NASA Finds 2 Planets Ideal For Life #~# NASA's Kepler space telescope has located two planets 1,200 light years away that are in the so-called Goldilocks zone of their solar system where liquid water might exist, making them ideal candidates for supporting life as we know it. What do you think?
Rockets vs. Thunder #~# The Rockets battle the Thunder in the first of 783 rounds of the NBA playoffs.
Lakers vs. Spurs #~# The Lakers face the Spurs in the first round of the NBA playoffs, reigniting a rivalry not quite as old as most of the players involved. 
Man Purchasing Pair Of Red Pants Better Be Ready To Put Up Or Shut Up #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—According to sources, the man currently purchasing a pair of Nantucket red chinos at a local Banana Republic better be damn well prepared to put his money where his mouth is on this one. “Hey, all I can say is I hope this guy is prepared to go all-in here, because once he buys these pants and puts them on there’s no going back,” said onlooker Jim Hardy, noting that while it may have taken some chutzpah for the shopper to pick up the red pants and maybe even try them on in a fitting room, he’s going to need to sack up big time if he’s planning on sporting them to a social gathering, much less to the office. “Let me tell you, if this fucker’s not planning on going balls-to-the-wall with a white polo, navy blazer, and a pair of brown loafers with no socks, he better just put those pants back where found ’em, settle on some classic cords, and just move on already. This is the big leagues we’re talking about here.” At press time, the man had already proven he didn’t have the stones by asking the cashier about the store’s return policy.
Louis Charles #~# Louis Charles, 17, added a little water to the nearly empty mustard bottle so his parents wouldn’t be able to tell he took some.
Rae Carruth Granted 1-Day Release To Film ‘This Is SportsCenter’ Commercial #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—A district judge granted former Carolina Panther and convicted murderer Rae Carruth a one-day release from his 24-year prison sentence Thursday to allow him to participate in the filming of a new “This Is SportsCenter” commercial in Bristol, CT. “I was fully prepared to dismiss the request sight unseen, but I allowed the counsel to explain the commercial and it actually sounds really funny,” said 9th district judge Harold Joyner, explaining the unprecedented release of Carruth, who arranged the murder of his pregnant girlfriend in 1999. “In the commercial, two SportsCenter anchors will be walking through the office and see Rae Carruth wearing an orange jumpsuit and picking up trash. They look confusedly at Rae, and he will shrug and say, ‘ESPN’s work-release program.’ See, pretty good, right?” This marks the second controversy surrounding an ESPN commercial in as many months, as earlier in March the network pulled an ad featuring Scott Van Pelt advising Mr. and Mrs. Met to consider an abortion.
Mario Chalmers Under Impression Heat Need Him To Step Up In Playoffs #~# MIAMI—Heading into the team’s first-round matchup against the Milwaukee Bucks, sources confirmed Friday that Miami Heat point guard Mario Chalmers has somehow fallen under the impression that his teammates really need him to step it up during the playoffs. “They can’t do it without me, so I definitely have to bring my A-game,” said Chalmers, adding that head coach Erik Spoelstra is counting on him to be at his absolute best on defense and maintain flawless perimeter shooting amid the team’s bid for a second consecutive NBA title. “This is the playoffs, so I can’t afford to have an off game. Everyone’s depending on me out there, and if I don’t make my presence felt, we could be headed home early.” Chalmers also confirmed that he will need to be a vocal leader on the floor in order to set an example for Dwyane Wade, Ray Allen, and LeBron James.
Study: Majority Of Americans Not Informed Enough To Stereotype Chechens #~# WASHINGTON—Following FBI reports this morning that the suspects implicated in Monday’s Boston Marathon bombing are of Chechen descent, efforts to thoughtlessly stereotype the alleged terrorists were impeded by the majority of Americans’ lack of basic knowledge about Chechnya or the Chechen people, a new study has confirmed. “Our research shows that, while many Americans would like nothing more than to make sweeping, insensitive generalizations about these two individuals based purely on their ethnic identity, this process is largely impeded by the fact that 9 out of 10 Americans truly know next to nothing about Chechnya, including even the very barest details of what or where Chechnya is,” said lead researcher Dr. Tim Kinane, adding that a majority of American citizens are almost totally unaware of Chechen history and culture, how to locate Chechnya on a map, whether Chechnya is a country or a city or a region, or that a person from Chechnya is called a Chechen. “Clinical trials show that most individuals will make brief, fumbling attempts to stereotype Chechens based on what little they know about Russians, but eventually drop the subject entirely after running out of anything to say within seconds.” Kinane’s team was able to confirm, however, that once research subjects were told Chechnya is a predominantly Muslim region, they were “usually pretty good to go from there.”
Bradley Cooper Admits He Lives With His Mother #~# Bradley Cooper, the Oscar-nominated star of Silver Linings Playbook and former People magazine Sexiest Man Alive, admitted that his mother lives in the next room of their shared home, where she has resided since his father died in 2011. What do you think?
Family, Friends Really Looking Forward To Next 9 Months Of Being Around Kobe Bryant #~# NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Following the Lakers shooting guard’s surgery to repair a torn Achilles tendon, Kobe Bryant’s family and friends told reporters Friday that they are really looking forward to spending the next nine months with the NBA superstar as he recuperates from the season-ending injury.
BREAKING: We’re Doing A Bad Job #~# WATERTOWN, MA—In an important development since our last update, sources can now positively confirm that we are doing a bad job covering the ongoing manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev. After soliciting information from the public regarding the quality of our reporting and taking an honest look at what we’ve done in the past hour, we have learned that not only is our coverage substandard, but atrocious. Sources confirmed that, if we’re being honest, we have done nothing but waste your time. Moreover, reports indicate that nothing will actually be worth reporting until the second bombing suspect is apprehended or killed.
BREAKING: Do You Think We’re Doing A Good Job? #~# WATERTOWN, MA—Following earlier updates on the manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev, sources were just wondering if, maybe, you think—by repeatedly interrupting with breaking news that has zero substance—we’re doing a good job right now. Multiple reports have confirmed that sources really want to know—and be totally, 100 percent honest here, sources stressed—how you think we’re stacking up compared to the coverage of other news organizations. Good? Not good? About average? At press time, breaking reports have indicated that, at the least, we’re probably doing an okay job, right?
BREAKING: We Might Be Doing A Bad Job #~# WATERTOWN, MA—Citing the fact that we have done five breaking news updates in the last 30 minutes and have added no new information to the story, numerous sources are now confirming that we might be doing a bad job covering the manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev. Eyewitnesses are telling reporters there’s a fairly good chance that the pointless, rushed updates could indicate a piss-poor level of incompetent journalism. At press time, breaking reports are now confirming that, yes, we are heavily leaning toward the conclusion that we are doing a bad job.
BREAKING: How’s Everyone Doing? #~# WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are currently reporting no actual relevant breaking news of any kind coming out of the Watertown area, so, yeah, anyway, how’s everyone doing? You guys doing good? Reporters from The Onion can verify that they’re doing pretty good, just waiting for some more breaking news to come in. You know how it is. Everything’s good other than that, though.
BREAKING: Can Anyone Ever Truly Know Anything? What Is The Truth? #~# WATERTOWN, MA—According to the latest news breaking from the scene of the ongoing Boston bomber manhunt, sources asked if anyone can ever truly know anything and, when one actually stops and thinks about it, what is the truth, really? While authorities have continued updating the public on the progress of the manhunt and eyewitnesses have corroborated the stories, reporters have to wonder: How do any of us ever really discern what has “happened” from what has “not happened,” if indeed such terms are mutually exclusive, in the context of spacetime, or even truly knowable? Furthermore, one could potentially view everything we see and hear—or rather, everything we perceive—as being little more than a string of continuing falsities, one after another, throughout the entirety of our existence. Who can we trust? Is our only option to continue believing everything we experience, in a phenomenological sense, and ignore the true possibility that all that truly is, has been, and will be, is an illusion, a shadow cast upon the wall of eternity? Keep checking theonion.com for more updates on this story, which may in fact only be an elaborate construct of our own collective consciousness.
BREAKING: Has The Word ‘Breaking’ Lost All Its Meaning? #~# WATERTOWN, MA—Citing exhaustive use of the word “breaking” to preface media coverage of today’s ongoing manhunt for one of the alleged Boston Marathon bombers, The Onion is now questioning whether the word “breaking” has lost all its meaning. According to sources, the word ‘breaking’ has been used over 4,000 times across a variety of media platforms in the past 24 hours and has been repeatedly used to categorize news items related to the Boston Marathon bomber suspect that are not, in fact, substantively different from earlier reports, and thus not truly “breaking” by any traditional definition of that term. Acknowledging that 700 separate “breaking” news bulletins have been published since the beginning of this breaking news article, The Onion continues to wonder whether this word can ever be taken seriously again.
BREAKING: Still Nothing #~# WATERTOWN, MA—Sources can now confirm that there is still nothing new to report on the search for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev. Those with knowledge of the situation are currently telling reporters that nothing has changed and there are no new developments. Reports have confirmed, however, that instead of saying one brother has died and the other is on the run, sources will instead switch that information around to make it sound different than previous reports, thus making it seem like new information is being added. Sources are now saying that one brother is on the run and the other has been shot and killed.
BREAKING: No News Breaking #~# WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are now confirming that no news is currently breaking in the manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev. Multiple witnesses and law enforcement officials on the ground in Watertown, MA have informed reporters that there are not any urgent updates or late-breaking developments to the ongoing situation, and the situation remains largely unchanged. Media outlets are reporting that everything is exactly the same as it was since the last update. Readers are advised to keep checking theonion.com for any breaking updates that may occur.
CNN Releases Photos Of 3 Obese Mexican Women Suspected In Boston Bombing #~# BOSTON—In the midst of a widespread manhunt that has put the city of Boston on lockdown, CNN released a series of photographs today depicting the three obese Mexican women it claims are the chief suspects in the Boston Marathon attack. “My top-level sources have confirmed that the individuals depicted in these photos planned, coordinated, and put into effect this week’s deadly bombing,” said CNN reporter John King, speaking of the trio of overweight hispanic women, two of whom reportedly died in the late 1990s and one of whom has never actually visited the United States. “If you come across the suspects, please be careful. My sources tell me these women are armed and highly dangerous.” At press time, everyone at CNN was congratulating one another on the good job they’ve been doing.
FBI: 'You Know You’re Desperate When You’re Asking The American People For Help' #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that the last thing he ever wanted to do was ask “311 million mouth-breathing morons” for help, the Federal Bureau of Investigation freely admitted Thursday that by enlisting the services of the American people in apprehending the Boston Marathon bombers, the government agency had reached a new level of desperation. “Clearly I never wanted this to get to a point where I would have to stand here, hat in hand, asking the same group of people who make The Voice the No. 1 show on television for their help,” a visibly deflated FBI Special Agent in Charge Rick DesLauriers said during a press conference, after which he sighed, put up the FBI’s toll-free number, and said, “Have at it, idiots.” “But this is where we’re at. I can’t believe I’m actually going to say these words, but America, we need you.” Sources later confirmed that after listening to the first 10 calls made by American citizens into the FBI, investigators had reportedly disconnected the number and were asking citizens of Sweden and Germany if they knew anything about the two bombing suspects.
Senate Blocks All Gun Control Measures #~# In spite of a bipartisan compromise to impose background checks for nearly all sales of firearms, the Senate failed to reach the 60-vote threshold needed to defeat a filibuster yesterday, effectively ending the federal push for gun control. What do you think?
Wrigley Field Renovation Proposal Includes Tearing Down Clubhouse, Bleachers, Upper Deck, Lower Deck, Building New Stadium 10 Miles North #~# CHICAGO—Cubs Chairman Tom Ricketts unveiled a $500 million Wrigley Field renovation proposal Thursday that includes demolishing the clubhouse, bleachers, upper deck, lower deck, as well as building a new stadium 10 miles north of the soon to be razed ballpark. “It’s going to be the same Wrigley Field that Chicago fans love, but it will have more space, new corporate boxes, new high-definition video boards, a new location, and a brand-new name,” said Ricketts, adding that the plan to modernize the revered Wrigley Field by tearing down outmoded features and constructing a new ballpark in the suburb of Evanston will be respectful to the stadium’s rich history and maintain its iconic status. “I’m very confident that these renovations will be enjoyed by our new roster, management, and fanbase.” Ricketts assured reporters that the refurbished outfield wall at Wrigley Field will still feature a 5-foot section of ivy.
I Won #~# I won.
Jesus, This Week #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the last four days of American life just…I mean, talk about a goddamned punch in the gut, citizens across the nation confirmed today that, Jesus, this week.
Weeping Tim Cook Spotted Screaming For Help At Steve Jobs’ Tombstone #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Eighteen months after the death of his mentor, Apple CEO Tim Cook was seen Wednesday pounding the tombstone of company founder Steve Jobs and begging for guidance in his leadership of what was once the largest corporation in the history of the world. “What the hell do I do?!” a hysterical Cook reportedly shrieked, clawing alternately at the grave marker and his own face. “You left no instructions, damn it. I need another game-changing breakthrough product that millions can’t live without. Just give me one idea. One idea, for the love of God! Why are you torturing me like this?” At press time, sources confirmed that Cook had composed himself and decided to develop an iPhone 6.
Yankees Disabled List Absolutely Stacked #~# NEW YORK—After recently acquiring third baseman Alex Rodriguez, center fielder Curtis Granderson, first baseman Mark Teixeira, and shortstop Derek Jeter, the New York Yankees disabled list is absolutely stacked this year, sources confirmed Thursday. “This is a deep, deep DL,” said ESPN baseball analyst John Kruk, who noted that the injured list is loaded with power, speed, and multiple probable Hall of Famers. “Looking at the sheer talent they have, from top to bottom it’s a murderers’ row. If they can land a couple quality pitchers, this could be one of those historic disabled lists that people talk about for decades to come.” At press time, unconfirmed rumors indicated that the Yankees’ formidable disabled list may soon acquire Cy Young–winning left-handed pitcher CC Sabathia.
TV Viewer Relates To Totally Unbelievable Character That Could Never Exist In Reality #~# JONESBORO, AR—Claiming to share many of the same personality traits, 28-year-old Matthew Brooks revealed Wednesday that he strongly identifies with the protagonist from his favorite television drama, a character who could never actually exist in real life. “I see a lot of myself in how he sort of plays by his own rules and always stays true to his morals no matter what. He also makes these really cool, sarcastic remarks that other characters in the show think are funny, and I kind of do that, too,” Brooks said of the character who resembles no actual human being who currently exists in reality, has ever existed in reality, or will ever exist in reality. “And the way he can be so abrasive and arrogant while still maintaining a high-pressure job, managing a core group of devoted friends who admire him, and juggling multiple relationships with incredibly gorgeous women—I’m totally like that sometimes.” Brooks added that the only character in the show he finds it difficult to relate to is the main character’s brother, an unkempt and lazy 28-year-old who spends the majority of his time sitting around his apartment watching television.
Corrugated-Cardboard Lobby Once Again Rates All 535 Congressmen ‘Poor’ On Corrugated-Cardboard-Related Issues #~# WASHINGTON—Leaders in the corrugated-cardboard lobby published their annual report card for U.S. Congress members Tuesday, once more giving all 535 senators and representatives a rating of “poor” on issues pertaining to corrugated cardboard. “At a time when the United States should be taking a leadership role in global cardboard-related initiatives, our elected representatives make virtually no mention of corrugated materials when speaking to the American public,” read a statement from the National Association of Corrugated Cardboard Manufacturers (NACCM), noting that the word cardboard has been spoken only once during a congressional debate this year, and its usage was “clearly metaphorical.” “Our ratings reflect the fact that not a single one of our leaders in Washington has made corrugated-cardboard-related issues a priority, let alone taken action on comprehensive corrugated-cardboard legislation. It’s almost as if they prefer to pretend such issues don’t exist.” At press time, the NACCM had reportedly upgraded the rating of Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-OR), who, after years of staunchly refusing to bow to Big Cardboard, agreed to introduce a bill titled the Corrugated Box and Foldable Shipping Carton Act of 2013.
Michael Carpenter #~# Michael Carpenter managed to sit through his son’s entire T-ball game without once screaming out how easy it is to hit a ball that’s not even flying in the air.
Giant, Voracious Snails Invade Florida #~# South Florida is struggling to deal with an infestation of invasive giant African land snails, which can grow to the size of rats, readily consume over 500 native species, and are known to enjoy chewing on the stucco common to Florida’s housing. What do you think?
Internet Comes Up With 8.5 Million Leads On Potential Boston Bombing Suspect #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of Monday’s terrorist bombing at the Boston Marathon, sources reported today the internet had come up with approximately 8.5 million leads on who might have committed the deadly terrorist attack.
Next Week's School Shooting Victims Thank Senate For Failing To Pass Gun Bill #~# WASHINGTON—Following the Senate’s rejection of a bipartisan amendment to expand background checks for gun buyers, the young victims of next week’s school shooting emphatically thanked members of Congress today for failing to pass more comprehensive gun control legislation. “Great job, guys,” said 14-year-old Jacob Miller, one of nine junior high school students who will be shot next week by a mentally ill gunman wielding a legally acquired assault rifle that was purchased at a gun show. “My classmates and I are really proud of you for cowering to the NRA and caring more about politics than my friends and I getting shot and killed. It totally makes sense. You’re the best.” The soon-to-be massacred teenager added that his parents, Caroline and Pete Miller, also wanted to extend their heartfelt congratulations to the Senate.
Isabel Grove #~# Isabel Grove, 48, listened to a coworker describe her daughter’s leukemia treatments and made a concerned face.
Letters Containing Deadly Poison Sent To President, Senator #~# A white granular substance identified as ricin, a potentially lethal poison, has been found in suspicious letters that were mailed to President Barack Obama, Sen. Roger Wicker (R-MS), and perhaps other lawmakers. What do you think?
Flag In Front Of Post Office Can Hardly Remember A Time It Wasn't Flying Half-Staff #~# MINERAL, VA—After this week’s bombing at the Boston Marathon prompted employees at a local post office to once again partially lower their American flag in honor of the attack’s victims, the flag told reporters Wednesday that it can barely even remember a time when it wasn’t flying at half-staff. “Honestly, I can’t think of the last time I got to fly at the top of the flagpole for any real duration without some new senseless act of violence forcing me down pretty much immediately,” said the banner, which pointed to the Newtown massacre, the Aurora shooting, and the Tucson shooting as just a few of the national tragedies that have kept it in the middle of the flagstaff in recent months. “Every now and then I’ll get the chance to go all the way up the pole, but then the post office guys come out later in the day with these grim looks on their faces and I just know something terrible has happened and it’s right back to the middle again. And honestly, I’d really much rather be at the top of the pole, if it were up to me.” Though the flag noted that it would likely continue being flown at half-staff for at least the remainder of the week, it expressed optimism it might get the chance to be displayed at full-summit for possibly a day or two “before the next one.”
UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Apologizes For Killing Innocent Boston Man Tom Mahoney #~# We Spoke Too Soon
BREAKING: 'The Onion' In Kill Range Of Boston Bomber Suspect #~# Do We Take The Shot? Tweet Us Your Votes
Cutest Guy In Whole Office Not Even Particularly Attractive #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying that he’s “okay-looking but definitely nothing special,” employees at Southeastern Publishing Services reported Wednesday that Brian Tyler, a 27-year-old digital communications coordinator widely considered to be the cutest guy in the office, is not even particularly attractive. “It’s funny, because he’s nicer to look at than any other guy here, for sure, but you wouldn’t even give him a second glance if you saw him in a crowd or at a party,” said assistant sales manager Jessica Hartman, echoing thoughts reportedly shared by all of her coworkers. “Anywhere else he’d be pretty average, but here people treat him like he’s Ryan Gosling or something. You’d think in an office this size there would be someone cuter, but nope, out of the 50 or so guys who work here, he’s basically as hot as it gets.” Pressed further on the issue of Tyler’s attractiveness, several staff members acknowledged that if the circumstances arose, sure, they’d fuck him, why not?
Boss Has Deft Touch For Making Employees Feel Like Shit #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Citing such examples as his understated eye rolls or how he often delivers a faint, judgment-filled “hmm” after an employee passionately presents an idea, workers at Blain Insurance, Ltd. told reporters Tuesday that general manager Carl Douglas, 44, has a special, subtle knack for making members of his staff feel like utter dog shit.
Suicide Note Surprisingly Upbeat #~# MIDLAND, NM—The suicide note area man Doug Smithfield wrote before leaping to his death from a bridge last week was remarkably upbeat in tone, family members of the recently deceased 38-year-old confirmed Monday. “Hey, guys, if you’re reading this right now, it means I decided to kill myself, but I just wanted to let you know that everything’s cool,” read the man’s surprisingly optimistic final message, which reportedly contained several exclamation points, a list of book and movie recommendations, and a heartfelt request for family and friends to go out and enjoy the nice spring weather. “Seriously, don’t freak out! I’m feeling really good about this, and you should, too. Okay, take care.” The note added that in case anyone was wondering, Smithfield chose to end his life because he felt extremely stifled by his father, but “that’s neither here nor there.”
If I Could Live In Any Decade, It Would Definitely Be The 960s #~# Ever feel like you’re living in the wrong era? Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of stuff I love about today, but I’ve never been able to shake the feeling that I was born too late. When I look back at the past, I get the sense that I truly belonged in those heady days of peace and love, back between the fall of the Roman Empire and the dawn of the High Middle Ages. That’s why, if I could live in any time period, I would definitely choose the 960s.
Mike D'Antoni Excited To Finally Have Chance To Coach Lakers #~# LOS ANGELES—Heading into the final game of the NBA’s regular season, Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni told reporters Wednesday that he is thrilled to finally have the opportunity to actually coach the Los Angeles Lakers. “We have the right personnel in place now to allow me to install my system of offense, and I honestly couldn’t be happier with the roster at the moment,” said D’Antoni, adding that he’s been waiting a long time to be in charge of the Lakers basketball team and couldn’t be more excited to finally get started. “I know it’s late in the season, but I’m just happy that I can do what I was actually brought here to do.” Reached for comment, Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak revealed that D’Antoni will have approximately nine months before the team reevaluates his position as head coach.
Nonpartisan Review Concludes U.S. Engaged In Torture #~# A report by the nonpartisan Constitution Project concluded that the detention and interrogation practices used by the United States following 9/11 amounted to torture and that the nation’s top leaders were ultimately responsible for the human rights violations. What do you think?
Global Military Spending Declines #~# Overall spending on militaries worldwide fell to $1.75 trillion in 2012, down 0.5 percent from the previous year and marking the first recorded drop in global military spending since 1998. What do you think?
Every Family Member's Birthday Now Marred By Some Tragedy #~# PENSACOLA, FL—After Monday’s deadly explosions at the Boston Marathon cast a pall over Conner Mason’s 7th birthday celebration, the Mason family reportedly realized that each of their birthdays were now tainted by a national tragedy. “Our youngest daughter’s birthday is September 11, Julie’s is on the Virginia Tech anniversary, Lauren’s falls on the Aurora shooting, and my husband’s is on the Newtown massacre,” said Anne Mason, 39, local mother of five children whose own birthday is April 20—the anniversary of the Columbine shooting. “And actually, now that I think of it, my father was born on January 8, which was the day of the Tuscon massacre, and our dog Howie’s birthday was November 5, 2009, the exact same day as the Fort Hood attack. I think the only person in the family who wasn’t born on the day of a tragedy is my youngest son Eric.” Sources added that Mason was dismayed to learn shortly thereafter that Eric’s July 7 birthday actually coincided with the London bus bombing.
Buck Showalter Terrified To Walk Alone To Mound At Night #~# BALTIMORE—Calling it “a bad part of the field, plain and simple,” Baltimore Orioles manager Buck Showalter told reporters Tuesday that he is terrified of walking to the Camden Yards pitcher’s mound by himself late at night. “It’s dangerous enough during day games, but you’re not going to see me out there on my own once the sun goes down,” said Showalter, adding that in the event he has no other choice but to make a visit to the hill at night, he takes a well-lit path and always makes sure to bring a catcher with him. “It’s a tough crowd that hangs out in this ballpark, but that mound is definitely the worst. I mean, I don’t want to sound racist here, but the last time I stopped by, there was this huge Mexican guy with a baseball bat standing no more than 60 feet and 6 inches away from me. No thank you.” Showalter added that he also makes sure to take a wide berth around Camden Yards’ perilous outfield, recounting how last fall he was robbed at knifepoint by Orioles right fielder Nick Markakis.
This Is A Tragedy—Does It Really Matter Exactly How Many People Died Or What Any Of The Details Are? #~# Yesterday’s violent attack at the Boston Marathon has left all of us struggling to come to terms with such a senseless display of carnage. In the wake of this devastating tragedy, we at the New York Post join the nation in mourning those who were lost in this horrible event so that we may console one another and ultimately emerge from this catastrophe stronger and with a greater compassion for one another.
Justin Bieber Wishes Anne Frank Had Been ‘Belieber’ #~# While visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, pop star Justin Bieber wrote in the museum’s guestbook that the famous diarist and Holocaust victim was a “great girl” and that he hoped “she would have been a Belieber,” using a common term for his fans. What do you think?
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of April 16, 2013 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Authorities: Sadly, There Are Many People Who Could Have Done This #~# BOSTON—In the aftermath of yesterday’s bombings at the Boston Marathon, which left three dead and over 100 wounded, authorities announced this morning that, sadly, there are actually numerous people who could have carried out the attack.
Area Man Growing A Little Tired Of Rushing Home To Hug Loved Ones #~# ST. LOUIS—Following the deadly explosions Monday that rocked the city of Boston, area man Tom Sifton told reporters he’s getting pretty tired of frantically rushing home from work as fast as he possibly can to hug his loved ones tight. “I realize that desperately racing home to my wife and kids so I can hold them and tell them I love them is part of the routine now and I need to get used to it, but sometimes I just don’t know if I have another one in me,” the haggard 47-year-old said after clutching his children and telling them that everything will be all right as tears welled up in his eyes. “I used to have to do this kind of thing maybe once a year, at most, but now it seems like every couple of weeks I’m rushing home to hug my family, be thankful they weren’t the ones killed in a horrific shooting or bombing, and assure them I will always be there to protect them and keep them safe. Man, it gets exhausting.” At press time, Sifton was telling his children something like this would never happen again, a practice he has mastered over the past six months.
This What World Like Now #~# BOSTON—After Monday’s horrific terror attack at the Boston Marathon that killed three and left hundreds injured, officials confirmed Tuesday that the bombings and senseless violence that followed occurred primarily because this is the kind of world we live in now.
Justin Bieber Fan Jealous Of Anne Frank #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Following weekend reports that teen pop sensation Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, local Bieber fan Khloe McNeal, 13, announced Monday that she was ‘jealous’ of the 15-year-old Holocaust victim. “Biebs went to her house? So unfair,” said the diehard ‘Belieber’ of the persecuted Jewish teen who, after hiding from the Nazis for two years in a cramped attic, died of typhus in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp just weeks before its liberation. “What makes her so special that she gets a shout out? I retweet him every day and he mentions her by name and calls her a ‘great girl?’ Ugh.” McNeal went on to say that she was so envious of Frank that she wanted to “literally die,” adding that “some girls just have all the luck.”
The Onion’s Tips For Filing Your Taxes At The Last Minute #~# Tax Day is upon us and many Americans have yet to submit their returns. Here’s The Onion’s guide to successfully filing your taxes at the last minute:
Movie Characters Happen To Pass Through Pamplona On The One Week Bulls Run #~# PAMPLONA, SPAIN—In a dangerous and completely coincidental confluence of events, three vacationing American movie characters were reportedly almost trampled to death when they just happened to pass through the center of Pamplona, Spain during the one week the running of the bulls takes place. “Say, where is everybody?” the film’s protagonist Paul Wallace said to his traveling companions as they stood alone in an empty and eerily quiet plaza, unaware that it happened to be the week of July 6, when the city celebrates its annual festival of San Fermín. “And why is the ground trembling? Maybe it’s an earthquake or—oh my God! Run for it, guys!” At press time, sources confirmed the three travelers had narrowly escaped the bulls, but only after running past the Leaning Tower of Pisa, Big Ben, and a group of lederhosen-clad Germans who were for some reason celebrating Oktoberfest.
How Corporations Avoid Paying Taxes #~# With Monday marking the income tax filing deadline in the U.S., there has been renewed interest in how some of the nation’s top corporations manage to pay just a small fraction of their earnings in taxes, sometimes owing nothing at all to the government. Here are some leading corporations’ tricks for minimizing their tax bills:
All Blue Angels Air Shows Canceled In 2013 #~# Facing sequestration-related budget cuts, the Navy has canceled all appearances of its popular Blue Angels stunt-flying team for the rest of the year, officially grounding the elite pilots and their iconic blue-and-yellow jets. What do you think?
'30 For 30' Documentary To Explore Historical Significance Of '30 For 30' Documentaries #~# BRISTOL, CT—ESPN executives announced Saturday that the next installment in the network’s critically acclaimed 30 For 30 documentary film series will examine the historical impact of the ESPN documentary series 30 For 30. “Four years ago, a group of filmmakers began an ambitious, unprecedented project,” read the press release for the episode, which is titled The ‘30 For 30’ Era and is set to premiere this fall. “They could tell what they were doing was special—they were telling sports stories like no one had before—but not even the series’ creators knew what a revered cultural touchstone 30 For 30 would soon become.” The episode, which will be directed by Peter Berg, features interviews and unseen footage focusing on Peter Berg’s groundbreaking creative vision and how it affected 30 For 30's prominent impact on American society.
Excited Man Only 2 Therapy Sessions Away From Resolving Issues #~# CHERRY HILL, NJ—After over seven years of weekly meetings with his psychiatrist, 35-year-old Chris Vaughan told reporters Friday he is thrilled to be just two 45-minute sessions away from completely resolving all of his problems. “Another 80 or 90 minutes in there and I should be all set,” said a smiling Vaughan, adding that he is looking forward to emerging as a fully secure, emotionally balanced individual devoid of any feelings of guilt, anxiety, or depression. “We’ll cover my parents next week, and after that we’ll take care of my trust issues, and then I should be good to go. I can’t wait to have it all wrapped up and be a totally validated and content human.” At press time, Vaughan’s fiancée had just broken off their engagement, delaying the completion of his therapy by another 672 sessions.
Man Hacks Into Plane’s Flight Controls Using Phone App #~# To draw attention to the vulnerabilities of flight control systems, a security consultant created an app for his Android phone that lets him remotely seize control of a jetliner’s autopilot function, potentially allowing him to alter its flight path or crash the plane. What do you think?
New Jackie Robinson Movie Probably Has Scene Where People Yell Things And He’s Upset And Wants To Fight Back But Doesn’t #~# LOS ANGELES—In anticipation of the release today of 42, the new Jackie Robinson biopic, moviegoers speculated that the film about the first African-American to play major-league baseball in the modern era most likely includes a scene in which a bunch of people yell horrible racist things at him and he’s upset and wants to fight back but he doesn’t. “There’s probably this part where he walks into the stadium for the first time, and everyone’s shouting at him because he’s black and they don’t like that, and he wants to lash out, but then his friend grabs his arm and says, ‘Beat ’em on the field, Jackie,’ and so he just keeps walking,” said local man Clint Harrison, 36, who predicted that the movie might also include a scene in which Robinson wants to give up because everyone’s so mean to him, but then his strong-willed wife consoles him and tells him he needs to keep playing because it’s not just about him anymore. “And at the beginning, all the guys on his team aren’t sure if they like him, but then he plays really, really good and some of them start to like him, and after a while they win a bunch of games, and by the end everybody likes him. Yeah, just like that.” Harrison further conjectured that 42 is probably a bad movie.
Peyton Manning Comes Out As Gay For Football #~# DENVER—In a stunning revelation Friday that sent shockwaves through the NFL, Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning announced during an emotional press conference that he is gay for football.
Local Man Knows He Moved To Minneapolis For Something, But Can't Remember What #~# MINNEAPOLIS—After packing up his apartment and moving across the country to Minneapolis this weekend, area man Matthew Goddard told reporters that though he has a vague idea of why he relocated from Boston, he can’t quite remember exactly why he now lives in the City of Lakes. “I think I came here for a new job, or was it a girlfriend? I gotta say, I’m completely blanking on why I currently live here,” the visibly confused 31-year-old told reporters, adding that while he can’t recall having family in the metro-Minneapolis area or needing a change of pace, it’s quite possible he was accepted to grad school there, but he admitted that none of those things were ringing a bell. “Don’t get me wrong, Minneapolis is a fine city. And now that I’m here, I can definitely imagine staying for whatever it is I moved here for. Was it some sort of health reason? No, I’m fine. At least I think I’m fine.” Goddard later remembered he moved to Minneapolis because he really likes Prince.
Report: Still Hasn't Been Long Enough To Open Restaurant Called Bin Laden's #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, though more than a decade has passed since the events of 9/11, it has still not been nearly long enough to open a restaurant called Bin Laden’s. “Our research confirms that it is far too soon for a prospective restaurateur or franchise operator to open a September 11–themed restaurant named after deceased international terrorist and al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden,” read the report, which added that the attack on the World Trade Center by Islamist militants is still too fresh in people’s minds for them to comfortably order a pancake menu item called The Twin Tower Double Stack, an Osama Burger, or the Flight 93-Alarm Chili. “There will be a time in the future when Americans will be ready to take their whole family out to Bin Laden’s and grab a table in the middle of the Ground Zero dining area, but that time isn’t now. So, if you’re thinking about opening a restaurant called Bin Laden’s, you’ll have to wait.” The report concluded that, based on the success of the McVeigh’s franchise, the popular Oklahoma City bombing–themed restaurant chain made famous for their Fertilizer Bomb Cheese Fries, the nation probably needs another six years or so.
Greatest Masters Moments Of All Time #~# Onion Sports examines the most impressive feats in the history of the prestigious golf tournament.
Disgraced Congressman Weiner Weighing NYC Mayoral Run #~# Former Democratic congressman Anthony Weiner of New York, who resigned from office in 2011 after accidentally sharing a photograph of a visible erection in his underwear on Twitter, has said he is considering running for New York City mayor this year. What do you think?
Senate Agrees To Background Checks For Most Gun Buyers #~# Members of the Senate reached a bipartisan agreement yesterday to require background checks for buyers in nearly all gun purchases, though firearms sales within families or between friends would still be exempt from the requirement. What do you think?
Terrified 'Newsroom' Writers Nodding Heads At Every Bad Idea Aaron Sorkin Says #~# LOS ANGELES—Though they harbored serious reservations about his proposed ideas and considered nearly all of them to be formulaic rehashes of story elements and dialogue he’s used in his previous work, staff writers for the HBO original series The Newsroom nevertheless nodded in agreement at every horrible suggestion Aaron Sorkin made during brainstorming sessions this week, the team of terrified writers reported. “Good idea,” said the staffers who were scared to death of disagreeing with Sorkin, even though they all reportedly felt that his thoughts on season two were lame, idealistic to a nauseating extent, and basically just a way for Sorkin to use his characters to bark his clichéd platitudes at television viewers. “That’s a smart direction. I hadn’t even thought of that.” Before silently going back to work, sources confirmed that every writer in the room was privately thinking that if they only had the balls to stand up to Sorkin and fight for the fresh ideas and storytelling techniques they brought to the table they could make the show immeasurably better.
Local Band Expects Things To Take Off Following Glowing Write-Up In soundandfury.wordpress.com #~# EUGENE, OR—The members of local rock band Desert Ashes expect their careers to really take off following a rave write-up in music blog soundandfury.wordpress.com, the musicians said Thursday. “I don’t think you can ask for a more positive review than that; I mean, this is just the kind of positive exposure we’ve been craving,” said Desert Ashes guitarist Shane Flaherty of the WordPress-hosted website’s laudatory 200-word review of his group’s debut EP Cosmic Glow, which describes the group as “a wiry post-punk ensemble” with “manic guitar lines awash in atmospheric reverb” and “tart lyrics that also betray a certain world-weary melancholy.” “I think we’ll look back on this as sort of like the demarcation point where we went from being a struggling new group to being something much, much bigger. It’s an amazing feeling, and we have the soundandfury guys to thank for that.” At press time, Flaherty was refreshing his internet browser to see if anyone had posted a comment.
Couple Making Out At Bus Stop Like It’s Fucking Paris #~# CHICAGO—According to locals waiting for the westbound number 66 shuttle at Chicago Avenue and Racine Avenue, a young man and woman seated on a bench at the bus stop are currently making out like it’s fucking Paris or something.
D Battery Elected To Philadelphia Sports Hall Of Fame #~# PHILADELPHIA—A voting panel of journalists and prominent sports figures elected the D battery to the Philadelphia Sports Hall of Fame Sunday, honoring the alkaline storage cell’s many achievements in pelting players from visiting teams. “The D battery is as synonymous with Philadelphia sports as intoxicated fistfights, cheering for a severely injured player, or intentionally vomiting on a child,” said Philadelphia sportswriter Ray Didinger, adding that the Hall of Fame plans to install an interactive exhibit that allows children to throw batteries at life-size cutouts of rival athletes. “Whipping the D battery at opposing players, coaches, or dumbshit referees is a crucial part of the experience for Philly fans. No other projectile has had the same impact on Phillies, Eagles, Flyers, or 76ers games. The D battery is an icon, representing the very best of Philly.” The D battery will be inducted into the Philadelphia Hall of Fame by longtime Eagles season ticket holder Drunk Tony, where it will join two of last year’s inductees, the glass beer bottle and the concept of booing.
Toddler Junkie Immediately Hooked On Looking At Trains After First Exhilarating High #~# HARRISBURG, PA—After experiencing the intoxicating, extreme high of watching a 56-car freight train pass before his eyes last week, 3-year-old junkie Logan Gunter reportedly became instantly hooked on looking at rail transport, demanding to be taken to railroad crossings at all times of day in an effort to achieve the same exhilarating euphoria. “I’ve got to look at a train right now. Just a quick look. I need it—I need it real bad,” said the wild-eyed little addict, who family members confirmed has become consumed by intense, around-the-clock cravings to view big locomotives either chugging along railways or sitting motionless at stations, and who often experiences severe, violent fits when he goes without seeing a train for more than a few hours. “Just give me a little train, that’s it. Two cars, I’ll take two cars. Or just one caboose, okay? Come on, you’ve gotta help me out here.” At press time, the shivering toddler junkie was trying to wean himself off of trains by looking at a big red tractor but admitted to reporters that “it’s not as good as a real fix.”
Doctors Reveal Dick Cheney Burning Through At Least 3 Hearts Each Week #~# JACKSON HOLE, WY—A team of doctors responsible for the care of Dick Cheney revealed Thursday that for the past few years, the former vice president has burned through a minimum of three hearts every week. “Within a time span of 48 hours or so, Mr. Cheney generally exhausts his heart until it is totally unusable, at which point he comes in for a fresh heart transplant to get him through the next few days,” said cardiac surgeon Dr. Anthony Griener, noting that when a spent heart is pulled from Cheney’s thoracic cavity, it generally emerges smoldering, shriveled, and completely black, at times also secreting a corrosive, viscous brown liquid. “He’s had so many transplants at this point that we no longer even have to apply general anesthesia or make a new incision for the procedure. He comes in, we chat with him for a bit while we pry open his chest, and we insert a fresh heart. Then he’s on his way.” Doctors also revealed that Cheney is thriving under these conditions and will likely continue to live for many, many, many years to come.
How One Hot New Device Helps Couples Drag Out Their Doomed Relationship That Extra Month Or Two #~# The amazing new "Relationship Pro" video game controller lets both members of a couple pretend they are in a healthy relationship.
Most Depressing Job Interview You’ll Ever See Currently Taking Place At Starbucks Table #~# BURLINGTON, VT—Citing the loud screeching sounds of milk being steamed in the background, the overly crowded setting, and the fact that a job applicant’s future is being discussed over a tiny Formica table at a national coffee shop chain, sources can now confirm that the most depressing job interview you could possibly imagine is currently being conducted within a local Starbucks.
French President Receives New Camel After First Eaten #~# The government of Mali will give French president Francois Hollande a “bigger and better-looking” camel as a gift for France’s help in defeating Muslim rebels after the original camel, which Hollande left with a family in Timbuktu, was promptly killed and eaten in a stew. What do you think?
Stripper Thinks Customer Flirting With Her #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Noting his furtive glances, suggestive body language, and the fact that he’s been laughing at all of her jokes, local exotic dancer Mandy Galloway, 26, told reporters Wednesday that she believes a customer at the Foxy Lady strip club is flirting with her. “I know this sounds crazy, but that brown-haired one has been checking me out all night, and when I went over to talk to him he seemed way more interested in me than all the other dancers in here,” Galloway was reportedly overheard saying to her fellow strippers, who responded by telling their friend she was “delusional” and that this was “just all part of the game.” “There was definitely a connection during our lap dance. And, look, I get that everyone says this, but I think the two of us might have something special.” When reached for comment, the unidentified Foxy Lady patron expressed sympathy for Galloway, telling reporters that she “just looked kind of lonely.”
NASA To Capture Asteroid, Drag It Back To Earth #~# Eyeing a launch date in 2019, NASA plans to send a robotic vehicle into space that will capture an asteroid using a “baggie with a drawstring” mechanism, then pull the space rock back near Earth, allowing for close study by a later manned mission. What do you think?
Well, Doesn't Area Businessman Look Dapper For His Big Flight To Philadelphia #~# MINNEAPOLIS—According to sources, well, well, well, doesn’t this local businessman look very dapper indeed in his fancy little suit and shiny shoes as he heads to his big businessman flight to Philadelphia. Mr. Executive himself, who sources confirmed looked like a real mover and shaker in his snazzy cufflinks and neatly combed hair, is almost certainly going to a very important place to make a very important business deal because he’s reportedly such a very important and impressive person. Perhaps, numerous witnesses speculated, the fancy businessman will be met at baggage claim in Philadelphia by a man in a chauffeur’s cap who will be holding—my, my, sources added—a little piece of paper with the businessman’s name on it! At press time, the very, very special little deal-making business person was reportedly unlocking his combination briefcase and reading some oh-so-important business papers with a very serious, concentrating face because he’s such a big success.
Uncle Strikes Out Hard With Book Gift #~# WELLS, NV—According to Lynford family sources, Uncle Jack took a swing at giving Kyle a book for his birthday on Wednesday and struck out hard. “Man oh man, Uncle Jack totally whiffed it on that one,” Kyle’s brother Jason said of the humiliating gift attempt, in which the 48-year-old bit it big time with his present of Lost And Philosophy: The Island Has Its Reasons, a 2007 book of essays exploring the themes of the ABC series Lost through a philosophical lens. “Hey, the big man took a risk, doubled down, and went bust. What are you gonna do?” Sources confirmed that Uncle Mark totally knocked it out of the park with a gift card to Best Buy.
Leading Social Media Site HarvardConnection Now Valued At $400 Billion #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Dawn breaks across San Francisco Bay, and on this brisk April day the only sound disturbing the morning quiet is the steady clip of a sleek two-person skiff as it glides along the inlet toward the heart of Silicon Valley. Observing this tranquil scene, one would never suspect that the two young men cutting through the water are none other than Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, twin brothers and co-founders of HarvardConnection, the ubiquitous and seemingly unstoppable social network site that, according to industry estimates, is valued at a staggering $400 billion.
Kevin Kolb: 'I've Always Dreamed Of Playing For The Bills Since I Was Released By The Cardinals And Had No Other Options' #~# BUFFALO, NY—After signing a two-year contract with the team, quarterback Kevin Kolb revealed Wednesday that he has always dreamt of playing for the Buffalo Bills from the moment he was cut by the Arizona Cardinals and had absolutely no other alternatives. “Ever since I can remember being a free agent without a shred of interest from any other teams, I’ve always wanted to wear that Bills uniform,” said Kolb, adding that he leapt at the opportunity as soon as he heard the Bills were the sole NFL franchise willing to employ him following his disappointing stint with the Cardinals. “To finally be where I’ve dreamed of playing since back when I was told by my agent that the Bills were my only shot at continuing my NFL career—it is really a dream come true.” Reached for comment, Bills head coach Doug Marrone told reporters he had always hoped to work with Kolb, dating back to the first time he realized the six-year veteran was the only quarterback the team could get.
New Gun Law Would Require James Holmes To Undergo Strict Background Check Before Purchasing Firearms #~# WASHINGTON—Following months of intense debate in the House and Senate, Congress announced Wednesday the passage of sweeping new legislation requiring Aurora theater shooter James Holmes to undergo a mandatory, rigorous background check before purchasing a gun. “This law will go a long way in making sure firearm dealers first search a federal and statewide database of criminal records and ensure a clean bill of mental health before selling any weapons to James Holmes,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), adding that lawmakers have also instituted a seven-day waiting period before Holmes can purchase assault rifles. “Under these new provisions, Mr. Holmes will also be forced to register any high-capacity magazines and will have a strict limit on the number of weapons he can buy at one time. These regulations are just simple common sense and, frankly, long overdue.” At press time, the law had been heavily criticized by the National Rifle Association, who claimed that it infringes on Mr. Holmes’ Constitutional rights.
There's No Way I'm Ever Molesting A Kid After What Happened To Jerry Sandusky #~# Just the other day, I turned on the news and I happened to catch an interview with Jerry Sandusky. You remember that guy from a few years ago—the guy who sexually abused all those kids? Well, let me tell you, all I could think about during the interview was what a bad idea all that molesting was. I can tell you one thing: There’s no way I’m ever going to molest a bunch of kids like Jerry Sandusky did, not after what happened to him.
Website's New Layout Feels Like Deepest Betrayal #~# SPOKANE, WA—After visiting feminist news and culture blog Jezebel Wednesday morning, local woman Rebecca Lovett, 29, reported feeling “betrayal’s stinging lance” upon discovering the website had undergone a layout redesign. “What treason is this? Like a fool I trusted them, and my trust was rewarded with cruel duplicity,” said Lovett of the the site’s new scrolling blog format. “What am I to make of this vile Judas kiss, this alien thing that has supplanted my cherished layout without warning or mercy?” Lovett told reporters she would soon visit the website’s comments section to “pour black vitriol on the cowardly traitors.”
German Thieves Steal 5.5 Tons Of Nutella #~# Thieves in the town Bad Hersfeld, Germany stole five and a half tons of the chocolate-hazelnut spread Nutella from a parked semi truck trailer, a heist valued at over $20,000. What do you think?
VP Meyer Shocked To Hear About Chinese International Space Prison #~# At a press conference this morning, Vice President Selena Meyer denounced a non-existent Chinese 'International Space Prison', after mistakenly believing a reporter's joke as a serious question about incarceration in space.
Future Christian Drinking And Doing Drugs And Thinking It's One Big Joke #~# WAUKEGAN, IL—Without any concern for what his self-destructive habits are doing to him and to his relationship with the Lord, future born-again Christian Travis Sutton is currently drinking, doing drugs, and thinking everything is just one big joke, sources confirmed Tuesday.
WrestleMania 29 Marred By Inconsistent Officiating #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Following the conclusion of WrestleMania 29, professional wrestling fans confirmed Sunday that the pay-per-view event was spoiled due to the erratic officiating work of the referee crew. “I know these guys have a lot on their plates, but the number of missed calls I saw was just ridiculous,” said viewer Calvin Overstreet, who expressed frustration with the World Wrestling Entertainment officials' inconsistent enforcement of the rulebook, “nonchalant” three-counts, and tendency to allow themselves to be distracted from the matches by various WWE divas perched on the ring apron. “At one point, Brock Lesnar hit Triple H with a steel folding chair and the ref didn't do a thing about it. Even if he was still disoriented from getting suplexed into the announcer’s table, he could have gone to the replay booth and gotten the call right. Unbelievable.” At press time, the WWE had reviewed the officiating at WrestleMania 29 as well as other events, and announced plans to vacate every single match result for the last 60 years.
Navy Develops Drone-Destroying Laser Cannon #~# The U.S. Navy announced the successful development of a powerful laser cannon that is capable of taking down drone aircraft, which will be mounted to the deck of a ship and deployed to the Persian Gulf to deter Iranian aggression. What do you think?
Fast-Talking Computer Hacker Just Has To Break Through Encryption Shield Before Uploading Nano-Virus #~# LOS ANGELES—After dashing off an indiscernible code on his laptop keyboard and sharply striking the enter key multiple times with his forefinger, a fast-talking, visibly tense computer hacker said that he just has to break through the encryption shield before he could upload the nano-virus, sources confirmed Tuesday.
JCPenney CEO's Severance Package Includes 34,000 Pea Coats #~# PLANO, TX—Following this morning’s announcement that JCPenney is ousting CEO Ron Johnson after just 17 months, members of the department store chain’s board assured the public the executive will receive an ample severance package that will include 34,000 pea coats. “We want the public to know that Mr. Johnson will be taken care of with 34,000 Claiborne wool double-breasted pea coats, along with 1.5 million pairs of Gold Toe socks,” said board chairman Thomas Engibous, adding that Johnson’s package also comes with the standard employee severance of 72,000 boxes of Scattergories and a single Cuisinart skillet. “Additionally, we will be thanking Mr. Johnson for his service with a very generous 60,000 patio sets and a payout of 18,000 corduroy pants every month for the next 15 years.” Engibous added that due to a clause in Johnson’s contract, the company was forced to give him an additional JCPenney gift card for $17 million.
Kim Jong-Un Wonders If Nuclear Threats Distracting Him From Real Goal Of Starving Citizenry #~# PYONGYANG—Amidst escalating tensions between North Korea and the global community, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un expressed concern Tuesday that his ongoing threats of inciting a nuclear war are distracting him from the more fundamental goal of starving his citizens. “I know it’s important to focus on making bold and increasingly outlandish threats involving nuclear weapons, but at the same time, I’ve got millions of people out there who need to be starved, and isn’t that ultimately priority number one?” the North Korean dictator wondered aloud, adding that his obsession with eradicating the West in a hail of nuclear rockets may have caused him to “lose sight” of his main responsibility of allowing the nearly 25 million men, women, and children under his watch to starve to death. “Here I am working around the clock to expand our nuclear program so that our foes might feel the bitter sting of their arrogance, and, meanwhile, we haven’t had a proper famine in nearly 15 years. I think we can ultimately accomplish both goals, of course, but I just don’t want to take my foot off the pedal when it comes to nationwide malnutrition and hunger, because that’s our real bread and butter around here.” Kim added he was happy, however, with the job he’s done juggling insane, warmongering rhetoric with gross human rights abuses.
I'm Weighing Whether Or Not I Want To Go Through The Hell Of Appealing To You Idiotic, Uninformed Oafs #~# As President Obama serves out his second term in office and Washington looks forward to the 2016 presidential election, many friends and colleagues have been asking me what my plans for the future are. It’s an interesting question, and one that I’ve given a lot of personal and professional consideration to. And while I can’t definitively say what my plans are one way or another, I can say that, at this point in my life, I’m strongly weighing whether or not I want to endure the absolute hell of appealing to you mindless, dumb-as-dirt simpletons again.
China Announces Plans To Build International Space Prison #~# BEIJING—In a highly anticipated announcement that is being met with widespread enthusiasm by Chinese Communist Party officials across the country, the People’s Republic of China unveiled plans Monday to build and operate a new state-of-the-art international space prison by the year 2018.
Deadly Strain Of Bird Flu Spreading In China #~# A strain of avian flu known as H7N9 has infected at least 24 people and killed seven in Eastern China, prompting the government to kill tens of thousands of fowl in an effort to stem the spread. What do you think?
Airline Passenger Complaints Up Sharply #~# According to data from the Department of Transportation, the number of passenger complaints about airline travel soared 20 percent in 2012, with United earning the title of the most complained-about airline. What do you think?
Man Not Certain What Any Of His Coworkers' Names Are #~# DES MOINES, IA—After nearly two years of employment at Ludnick Publishing, Doug Glickman literally does not know the name of a single one of his 11 coworkers, the 35-year-old department manager admitted to reporters Monday. “There’s this one guy I’ve been going to lunch with for like a year now, and I honestly have no idea what his first or last name is,” Glickman whispered from the employee break room, out of earshot of two coworkers he referred to as “the Hispanic woman” and “the bald mustache guy.” “I can get through Mondays by asking everyone, ‘Hey, man, how was your weekend?’ After that, I usually just stick to calling everybody ‘buddy’ or ‘big guy.’ There’s also this one really quiet assistant I always call ‘chief’ and then give this little pretend salute to. That’s probably as good as using his name, right?” Glickman added that he had recently been on a couple of dates with a coworker whose number appears in his cell phone under “Girl with short hair and glasses who sits in cubicle next to where the printer is.”
NATO Airstrike Destroys Key Taliban Day Care Center #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Following weeks of careful planning, NATO officials revealed Monday that an airstrike had successfully destroyed a vital Taliban day care center in eastern Afghanistan, killing over 45 Taliban babies and toddlers. “I can confirm that on Sunday, coalition forces carried out an attack on a nursery school of considerable strategic importance,” said a spokesman for NATO’s International Security Assistance Force, adding that 11 high-priority 2-and-3-year-old targets were killed during the operation. “The facility was believed to have housed a supply closet containing diapers and snacks, as well as several playrooms and a large nap area. We made sure we ordered the strike during playtime so that we could eliminate targets both in the building and those who were outside running around on the playground with their friends.” The airstrike reportedly marks the second successful military siege against rebel forces this month, after last week’s successful bombing of a key Taliban soccer game.
Freezing, Coatless Woman Has Decided It Is Spring #~# CHICAGO—Wearing a cardigan and a thin scarf, freezing woman Melissa Cady, 34, reportedly walked to work in frigid temperatures today following her decision that it is spring now. “The date is April 8 and it is now springtime and it is beautiful out,” said the shivering, coatless woman as a gust of cold air blasted into her face. “Winter is over. The seasons have changed. I am happy and warm now.” Sources said the woman spent her lunch hour walking along Lake Michigan, vigorously rubbing her hands together and blowing into them.
Teen Boulder Can't Wait For Landslide To Roll It Into Ravine Where They Get It #~# SALIDA, CO—Saying that he’s sick of his native mountainous escarpment and tired of being surrounded by “a bunch of squares,” a local teen boulder revealed Monday that it desperately wants to roll down into a nearby ravine where they actually get it. “The rocks and shrubs in the ravine below—they know the deal,” the adolescent stone told reporters, explaining that the boulders on the upper crags of its cliff face “seriously don’t have a clue.” “Down there, they get who I am and what I’m all about. Not like the losers up here.” The boulder went on to claim that it couldn’t take its current surroundings much longer and would definitely roll down into the ravine after “another 500 or 600 years of erosion, tops.”
Major Carnival Cruise Line Disasters #~# The Carnival cruise ship Triumph, which lost electricity and functioning bathrooms while at sea in February, broke free from its mooring in Mobile, AL last week, marking the latest in a string of high-profile black eyes for the company. Here are some other famous disasters in Carnival’s history:
Coworker With Fluorescent Bike Vest Treats Office To Futuristic Light Show On Way To Desk #~# CHICAGO—Emitting a wondrous spectrum of glowing, electric hues, local administrative assistant Jerry Offman dazzled coworkers with a futuristic light show Monday morning as he walked past their desks arrayed in a fluorescent bike-safety vest. “Behold the man of the future, treating all who gaze upon him to a technological marvel of light!” spellbound colleagues said as the space-age traveler strode past them in his glistening robe of luminescent nylon and velcro straps. “From what distant, strange dimension does this traveler hail? And from what alchemy or manner of enchantment did he fashion this marvelous prismatic smock?” Sources reported the wondrous exhibition of tomorrow ended when the explorer leaned his bike against the corner of the office and rolled down his pant leg.
More Women Moving In With Partners Before Marriage #~# According to a new study, between 2006 and 2010, 48 percent of all women between the ages of 15 and 44 moved in with their male partners without being married, up from 34 percent in 1995.  What do you think?
'Mad Men' Premiere Features Group Of Actors Who Are Scared To Death Of Never Making Transition To Film #~# NEW YORK—After concluding its fifth season last June with Don Draper and company facing new personal and professional challenges, the critically acclaimed AMC series Mad Men returns Sunday with a two-hour season premiere featuring a group of television actors terrified to death of never making the transition from television to film, sources confirmed. “In this new season, we wanted to really explore how a group of nervous small-screen performers navigate a professional world in which they constantly worry about not being taken seriously by the film industry,” Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner told reporters, adding that the new season picks up six years after the actors first appeared in the series with the goal of building their name recognition on television, branching out into smaller movie roles, transitioning to feature films, and hopefully disassociating themselves with their Mad Men characters. “This has been a common theme since the third season. But now that the series is almost coming to a close, I think it will be very interesting to see how these actors freak out about what they’re going to do in two years when Mad Men has disappeared from public consciousness and they still haven’t had anything close to a leading role in a major motion picture.” Weiner added that while he doesn’t want to spoil anything, it will become very clear by season’s end that one prominent performer will more than likely end up on Showtime in a role where he plays himself and makes fun of his career.
Andrea Lynch and Brett Kearns #~# After seven years of dating, Andrea Lynch finally convinced Brett Kearns he couldn’t do any better. The ceremony will be held wherever, doesn’t matter.
Where Did I Leave My Phone? #~# Bravo
Stock-Photo Model Scout Sees Something Special In Man In Business Suit Crossing Arms #~# CHICAGO—Not long after he happened to pass through a bustling office Friday morning, stock-photo model scout Andrew Sheeran revealed to colleagues that he had seen something very special in a man he had spotted wearing business attire and crossing his arms. “The second he sat down on the edge of that desk, folded his arms, and stared ahead intently, I knew this guy was a natural,” Sheeran said of the clean-cut, dark-haired 35-to-45-year-old man. “I can definitely picture him shaking hands with a smiling Asian woman or standing in front of a projector screen pointing to a pie chart. Who knows, maybe he could be on the cover of a workplace guidelines pamphlet some day. He has the potential, that’s for damn sure.” Sheehan added that the last time he had come across such raw talent was back in 1997, when he first saw famed stock-photo model Hank Felder sit down at a desktop computer, grimace, and run a hand through his hair.
Gay NFL Players Must Be Unknown Special Teams Guys, Says Homophobic Man #~# RALEIGH, NC—Local homophobic man Trent Wesley, 43, announced Friday that any gay players currently on NFL rosters must be completely unknown special teams guys for smaller market teams. “There’s no way it could be a pass-rushing linebacker, high-profile quarterback, or Pro Bowler, for that matter,” said the homophobe, explaining that gay players would lack the strength, speed, and toughness to be NFL starters. “I bet it’s probably a defensive back or long snapper who only gets on the field for punts, or some guy who just blocks on kickoffs. It definitely can’t be a player I’ve heard of. Probably someone on the Jaguars.” When asked to comment, several NFL players reportedly agreed that homophobic opinions on gay athletes like those expressed by Wesley must come from sad, hateful, middle-aged men who fail to realize that their opinion doesn’t mean shit.
Majority Of Americans Now Support Legalizing Marijuana #~# According to the Pew Research Center, 52 percent of Americans are now in favor of legalizing marijuana while only 45 percent oppose it, marking the first time in over 40 years of polling by the company that a majority of citizens have backed pot’s legalization. What do you think?
Waters Tested As 12-Year-Old Says ‘Shit’ In Front Of Mom For First Time #~# SAGINAW, MI—In a tentative attempt to test the waters a bit, local 12-year-old Connor Bartlett told reporters that he took a chance on saying the word “shit” in front of his mother for the first time Friday. “I’ve been dipping my toe in there with ‘hell’ and ‘sucks’ for a while and she hasn’t really said anything yet, so I figured, hey, might as well jump in feet-first with ‘shit’ and see what happens,” the preteen said of his inaugural usage of the harsh expletive in his mother’s presence, adding that “if she freaked out, [he] could always just switch back to ‘crap,’ no problem.” “As far as I can tell, she didn’t really seem to react or notice, so it looks like I’m pretty good to go. I wonder what else I can get away with.” At press time, sources confirmed that Bartlett had abruptly learned the limits of his mother’s tolerance for profanity after diving right in the deep end and calling her a “fucking bitch.”
Thousands Of Eggs Pushed Out Of Nests After Birds Legalize Abortion #~# WASHINGTON—Following the Bird Supreme Court’s decisive 7-2 ruling to overturn the avian world’s longstanding anti-abortion law, millions of birds across the nation were granted reproductive rights Thursday, prompting thousands to forego parenthood by fatally pushing eggs from their nests.
Most Gruesome Sports Injuries #~# Onion Sports examines some of the most horrendous and appalling injuries in the history of athletics.
John Kerry Lost Somewhere In Gobi Desert #~# SOUTHERN MONGOLIA—After failing to arrive at his destination in the Middle East this week for diplomatic talks with state leaders, sources confirmed that U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry had inadvertently traveled to Central Asia and is currently lost somewhere in the Gobi Desert. “Hello! Hello, is there anybody out there who can hear me?” the exhausted five-term senator reportedly said while stumbling across the vast desert expanse. “My name is John Forbes Kerry! I am the United States Secretary of State, and I am lost! Oh, God, almost out of water. Gotta make it back somehow…gotta make it back.” At press time, Kerry was reportedly relieved to have spotted a lush oasis off in the distance and was happily envisioning eating a juicy fig.
NFL Players Support Player Coming Out, Getting Absolutely Obliterated During Games #~# NEW YORK—With the increasing likelihood that an active NFL player will announce his homosexuality before the start of the 2012-2013 NFL season, players across the league said they would support a player coming out of the closet and would also support annihilating him on the football field.
Obama To Return 5% Of Salary To Government #~# Showing his solidarity with federal employees who have been furloughed due to sequestration budget cuts, President Barack Obama decided to return 5 percent of his $400,000 annual salary to the Treasury. What do you think?
A Slideshow Of All Of Our Resumes #~# CW
Roger Ebert Hails Human Existence As 'A Triumph' #~# CHICAGO—Calling the overall human experience “poignant,” “thought-provoking,” and a “complete tour de force,” film critic Roger Ebert praised existence Thursday as “an audacious and thrilling triumph.” “While not without its flaws, life, from birth to death, is a masterwork, and an uplifting journey that both touches the heart and challenges the mind,” said Ebert, adding that while the totality of all humankind is sometimes “a mess in places,” it strives to be a magnum opus and, according to Ebert, largely succeeds at this goal. “At times brutally sad, yet surprisingly funny, and always completely honest, I wholeheartedly recommend existence. If you haven’t experienced it yet, then what are you waiting for? It is not to be missed.” Ebert later said that while human existence’s running time was “a little on the long side,” it could have gone on much, much longer and he would have been perfectly happy.
Kim Jong-Un's Wife On Nuclear Threats: 'This Isn't The Man I Was Forced To Marry' #~# PYONGYANG—Ri Sol-ju, wife of North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un, opened up to reporters Thursday about her husband’s warmongering, saying that the Dear Leader’s recent bluster was totally uncharacteristic of the man she was forced to marry three years ago. “Since being ordered by my government to spend the rest of my life with this man, I’ve gotten to know him very well, and I can tell you that the Jong-un threatening nuclear war is not the same Jong-un who plucked me out of a parade and demanded I cut ties with my family,” said Ri, adding that she still believes the controlling despot who erased her identity and forbade her from leaving the residential villa is in there somewhere. “The man you see promising missile strikes on U.S. targets is not the person I was forced to fall in love with. And he’s certainly not the same father to the child I was forced to have with him. It’s upsetting to admit, but when I’m told to sit across from Jong-un at the breakfast table, I don’t even know who I’m looking at anymore.” When reached for further comment, North Korean officials said that Ri would be unavailable for the foreseeable future.
Jimmy Fallon Replacing Jay Leno On ‘Tonight Show’ #~# Following debacles surrounding his initial takeover of The Tonight Show in 1992 and his brief retirement from the post in 2009, Jay Leno confirmed yesterday that he’ll hand the program’s reins to Late Night host Jimmy Fallon next February. What do you think?
Hey Guys, It's Been A While Since I Wrote One Of These Columns #~# Hey, everybody. I’ve been a little busy the last 15 years or so, and I haven’t really had the chance to write one of these columns for the paper, so I thought I’d take some time to catch you guys up on what’s been going on with me.
'Syrians' Lives Are Worthless,' Obama Tells Daughters Before Kissing Them Goodnight #~# WASHINGTON—While tucking in his daughters as they settled into bed Tuesday evening, President Barack Obama reportedly kissed the two children gently on the forehead and reminded them that the lives of Syrian people are “worthless” and “completely insignificant.” “I love you two so much and Syrians are subhuman and don’t matter at all,” said the president, who is reported to have proudly smiled at his daughters while mentioning that the existences of all 22.5 million Syrian men, women, and children currently enduring a two-year-long civil war held no value or meaning whatsoever before shutting off the light in the girls’ bedroom. “Sweet dreams. And don’t ever think about the Syrian people—not even once. I don’t. All right, see you in the morning.” Sources confirmed the president briefly poked his head back into the room minutes later to watch his daughters’ peaceful slumber and to whisper that the gruesome eradication of an entire Syrian village in a chemical weapons attack would be wholly irrelevant and inconsequential.
Disney Finds Dozens Of Unauthorized Characters Appearing Illegally Inside Theme Park #~# ORLANDO, FL—Saying they were working diligently to address the problem, Walt Disney World officials acknowledged Wednesday that several dozen unauthorized characters, none of which have ever appeared in a Disney film or cartoon, had been found in recent weeks wandering throughout the theme park.
Cowboys Award 6-Year, $108 Million Extension To Super Bowl–Watching Quarterback Tony Romo #~# IRVING, TX—In an effort to prevent the multiple championship–viewing player from reaching free agency, the Dallas Cowboys announced this week that the team had signed Super Bowl–watching quarterback Tony Romo to a six-year, $108 million contract extension. “Tony has already watched seven Super Bowls for us,” said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who acknowledged that the most lucrative contract in team history will put extra pressure on Romo to continue watching championships. “He was born to watch the Super Bowl, he’s proven himself capable of it, and we are confident that the next few years will see Tony Romo watch many, many more Super Bowls as a Dallas Cowboy.” Jones added that a major focus for the team this season will be on keeping Tony Romo healthy so that he can watch the entire 2014 playoffs.
Confusing Roadside Memorial Features Bicycle, Rotary Telephone, Jug Of Some Kind #~# DUPONT, WA—Onlookers were left incredibly bewildered Thursday after coming across an inexplicable roadside memorial that featured only a bicycle, a rotary telephone, and some sort of jug, sources confirmed. “The bike part I get, but I really don’t understand how the jug and the old phone could possibly figure in to whatever happened here,” said local resident James McDermott, 31, adding that while he assumes the deceased was killed by a car while biking, the tribute as a whole “just doesn’t add up.” “Maybe he liked using landlines? He could have been one of those people who refuses to carry a cell phone. That still doesn’t explain the jug, though. Oh, God, what if these are just random possessions his family found in his closet and thought maybe they were things he might have liked? Holy shit, that’s depressing.” Witnesses reportedly became even more confused after a weeping woman visited the memorial and quietly set down flowers, a broom, and a pair of needle-nose pliers.
Pixar Announces 'Finding Nemo' Sequel #~# Pixar announced that it will release a sequel to the hit 2003 animated movie Finding Nemo in November 2015, which will be called Finding Dory and will focus on the forgetful blue fish voiced by Ellen Degeneres and her quest to reunite with her loved ones. What do you think?
Laroy Hoard and Michelle Carter #~# Laroy Hoard and Michelle Carter were married in the presence of God before going home to screw.
Assisted Living Center Widower Has Eye On Cute, Hunched-Forward Little Number #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Local 88-year-old widower Willard Baskin announced his interest Wednesday in the dollfaced, sclerotic little number who lives down the hall from him at the Sunshine Valley Continuing Care Center. “Oh, man, watching that hot item shuffle it oh-so-slowly across the common area has been driving me wild,” the retired tool-and-die maker said of the liver-spotted cutie he has reportedly had his eye on each evening during activity time. “That lingering mothball scent, the way she gums the rice pudding from her spoon—it’s enough to quicken the pulse of any man around here who still has one. And I can’t see that sexy, L-shape body without starting to daydream that maybe she’s suffered just enough dementia to have forgotten all her old inhibitions.” Baskin added that, unfortunately, the hunched-over vixen acts as if she doesn’t know he exists, which he grants is certainly a possibility.
Coarse Sponge Excited To Join The Smith Family Dishwashing Team #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Shortly after it was purchased this week from a Bed, Bath, and Beyond and set beside the Smith family’s kitchen sink, a coarse sponge reported earlier today that it is both honored and excited to be joining the home’s dishwashing team.
I Guess I'm The Only One Who Remembers The Time We Upset UConn #~# In the last 24 hours, I’ve been getting a lot of heat for a videotape that shows me physically assaulting my players during practice and calling them gay slurs. It’s caused a media firestorm, with school officials and the Governor of New Jersey calling for my resignation, and former and current players coming forward to describe my methods as harsh and largely ineffective.
Spanish Princess Charged With Corruption #~# Princess Christina Of Spain will face charges of corruption stemming from an investigation into her husband, a former Olympic handball player, who allegedly overcharged local governments for organizing sporting events. What do you think?
Unstable Man Plots To Bring Guns To Schools #~# FAIRFAX, VA—According to sources, local man Wayne LaPierre, an individual with a long history of unstable and dangerous behavior, revealed a detailed plot this week to bring semiautomatic weapons into schools. The disturbed man has reportedly been carefully planning this plot for months and has published numerous ranting posts to his website in which he lays out, in explicit detail, his desire to bring numerous guns into school hallways and classrooms. While the crazed individual has, as of press time, not yet acted on his plan, sources confirmed he has every intention of doing so in the near future and will stop at nothing to see his plot fulfilled. Additional reports have suggested that the unstable man may have also been helped in his planning by a number of accomplices in the United States Congress.
Jerry Sandusky Horrified By Behavior Of Rutgers Basketball Coach #~# WAYNESBURG, PA—Calling the conduct “shocking and disgraceful,” former Penn State football coach and convicted serial child molester Jerry Sandusky expressed his outrage Tuesday over the actions of now-fired Rutgers men’s basketball coach Mike Rice. “I have to say, that kind of behavior is totally unacceptable, especially from someone who is supposed to be teaching and nurturing young athletes, for God’s sake,” said Sandusky, who called the recently leaked video of Rice kicking, pushing, and screaming gay slurs at his players during practice “absolutely sickening.” “He had a responsibility to these boys, and what he did was not only completely inappropriate, but also, to be perfectly frank, downright disgusting. How a guy like that, with the mental problems he has, was ever allowed to be around these kids in the first place is totally beyond me. Unbelievable.” In addition to his harsh criticism of Rice, Sandusky also blasted Rutgers athletic director Tim Pernetti and university president Robert Barchi for not immediately firing the coach after the video was first brought to their attention last year.
Man Wishes Computer Could Do Thing It Already Can Do #~# RICHMOND, VA—Though confirming he is mostly satisfied with his newly acquired Mac desktop, local man Peter Selwyn said Wednesday he is disappointed that it is unable to do something that in fact every modern computer, including his own, is already capable of doing. “I wish there were some way it could just take a picture of my work on the screen and allow me to save it for future reference,” said the 36-year-old, describing the screenshot feature that has been standard on most home computers since the mid-1980s. “I can’t be the only person who would find a function like that useful, right? Hopefully they think to include it in future models.” At press time, Selwyn had reportedly found a way to work around the problem by using a smartphone to photograph his computer screen and then printing out the image for his records.
History Licking Its Chops To Judge George W. Bush #~# 'Let Me At That Fucker,' Says Branch Of Knowledge
Tim McCarver Delivers Incoherent, Unintelligible Retirement Announcement #~# SARASOTA, FL—After more than 30 years in the broadcast booth, Fox Sports MLB commentator Tim McCarver announced his retirement last week in an incoherent, largely unintelligible speech. “Well, when you, uh, get to my age, there are two options: retire or keep going. And so that’s what I’m gonna do,” said McCarver in his rambling, muddled farewell, in which reporters suspect the veteran sportscaster expressed gratitude for his fellow broadcasters, “the sport of baseball,” and “the great man of Bob Selig” [sic]. “The thing about Tim McCarver—that’s me—is you’ve gotta appreciate a guy going out like that. And respect the game. Which is what I think I’m doing here, and that’s what I think people will, uh, believe he’s doing. And do it the correct way. Right, Joe?” Though McCarver ranks as one of baseball’s most recognizable media personalities, early reports indicate that most fans remain unaware of his retirement, as they have become accustomed to subconsciously tuning out everything the analyst says.
Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer #~# WENATCHEE, WA—While announcing the group’s search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu Picchu appeared to attack both the character and abilities of its last drummer. “Band seeks drummer who can actually keep the beat and show up to practice without fucking complaining about it all the time,” read the flyer, which also stated that candidates should own their own drum kit, not be in any other bands, and not be “the kind of jerk who never helps us move the amps when the show’s over but still has the nerve to ask for a ride home.” “We need someone who won’t sit there playing a bunch of loud fills while we’re trying to tune up and then fail to find the fucking two and four when it’s time to start the song. And seriously, don’t storm off in anger just because Joel says you came in too early.” The ad went on to specify that if a potential drummer has a girlfriend, that’s fine, but if “you start missing shows because her parents are visiting and she wants you to go out to dinner with them, then it’s time to man up and just tell Cindy to fuck off.”
Jake Fangol and Elizabeth Geder #~# Jake Fangol and Elizabeth Geder couldn’t believe they could hire the Squirrel Nut Zippers to play their reception, but went with a DJ instead.
1 In 9 U.S. Schoolchildren Diagnosed With ADHD #~# Eleven percent of American children between the ages of 4 and 17 have received a diagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, with two-thirds of those diagnosed taking prescription stimulants such as Adderall and Ritalin to treat their behavioral issues. What do you think?
Don’t Get Too Excited #~# FOX
Politicians Arrested For Plot To Rig NYC Mayoral Election #~# A Democratic state senator and Republican city councilman were arrested today on charges they planned to rig the upcoming mayoral election in New York by bribing the city’s top GOP leaders to allow the Democrat to run as the Republican nominee. What do you think?
Gather Round, Kids, And I'll Tell You The Story Of How Your Mother And I Fell Out Of Love #~# Kids, come sit with your dad a while and let me tell you a little story. It’s about your mother and I, and how all of us came to be the family we are today. Go ahead and roll your eyes—I know you might think your dad’s being sappy—but one day, when you grow up and meet that special someone you decide to spend the rest of your life with, you’ll be glad I shared this with you.
STD Had Awesome Time On Spring Break #~# PANAMA CITY, FL—Following a weeklong vacation in Florida, local sexually transmitted disease gonorrhea announced it had an awesome time during this year’s spring break. “Oh man, PCB was the best—I was at a new party practically every night and met a ton of cool people,” said the common bacteria-based genital tract infection, noting that most of the dozens of coeds it encountered at a local Days Inn were so drunk they probably barely even remember meeting the contagious disease. “I mean, some of the people you meet during spring break are cool to hook up with for one or two nights, but I’m always looking for the relationships that last for life. Those are what really count.” Gonorrhea went on to say that while spring break may be over, it definitely plans to get back in touch with that blonde from Ohio State sometime very soon.
Mesmerized Kevin Ware Can't Stop Watching Video Of His Leg Breaking On YouTube #~# INDIANAPOLIS—After suffering a gruesome compound fracture during last weekend’s NCAA Midwest Regional final, Louisville guard Kevin Ware has been constantly rewatching a minute-long clip of his leg breaking on YouTube, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Whoa,” said Ware, who reportedly muttered to himself as he played the footage of his right tibia violently snapping in half for the 24th consecutive time. “It’s completely disgusting, but I can’t stop watching it. Christ, if you go back to the 25-second mark you can definitely see the bone come through the skin and blood spill all over the court.” At press time, a completely silent Ware was watching a continuously looping three-second GIF of his shin bending at a 90-degree angle in slow motion.
Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression #~# WASHINGTON—While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s unique personality and subjective emotional experience. “Although there are certainly better ways to convey one’s feelings artistically, saxophones aren’t all that bad if there’s nothing else around,” read the 83-page report in part, which affirmed that, in terms of achieving emotional resonance, the reed instrument was “okay, all in all.” “It’s no piano or guitar or anything, but still, if you have something to get off your chest and there’s a sax nearby, you could do worse.” The report went on to remind readers that the tuba and Irish stepdancing are never an acceptable form of self-expression at any time or for any reason.
'That Seems About Right,' Says Soon-To-Be-Audited Man #~# CAMDEN, MN—While filling out a 1040 form and other documents Tuesday in preparation for filing his 2012 federal tax returns, local man Robert Moran, a blog writer who will shortly be audited by the Internal Revenue Service, announced that his calculations seem to all add up fine. “Well, I’m self-employed and work mostly from the kitchen, which takes up about a third of my apartment, so that means I can deduct about $6,000 for rent plus all the repairs to the sink and refrigerator, and, yeah, that seems more or less right,” reported the man who will soon be audited by the IRS on suspicion of tax fraud and found to owe the federal government over $14,000 in unpaid taxes in addition to interest and a 20 percent penalty for disallowed deductions. “Plus I had to buy a TV and a DVD player to watch all the shows I blog about, which is another $1,500, and an iPhone that runs about $60 per month. Good thing you’re allowed to write off these business expenses.” At press time, Moran was telling himself that the IRS doesn’t look closely at people like him.
President Personally Performs First Obamacare Euthanization #~# WASHINGTON—In a symbolic ceremony celebrating the signature legislative achievement of his administration, President Barack Obama personally euthanized terminal cancer patient Shirley Hunnicutt, 73, at George Washington Memorial Hospital Tuesday in what he promised will be the “first of many” physician-assisted suicides performed under the Affordable Care Act as promised. “Okay, that should about do it,” said the president as he injected Hunnicutt with a barbiturate followed by a heart-stopping muscle relaxant, holding the woman’s hand as she drifted toward a peaceful end. “Shirley is resting easy now, and I’m sure the American people will rest easy knowing my health care reforms will encourage thousands of ill or disabled patients just like Ms. Hunnicutt here to choose death instead of burdening our system with protracted hospice care or rehabilitation. Today was great. I enjoyed this.” Obama later confirmed to reporters that, as clearly indicated in section 1233 of his health care reform bill, he hopes to personally kill thousands of senior citizens in the next three years of his presidency.
Yankee Players Boo When A-Rod Shown On Jumbotron #~# NEW YORK—A chorus of boos accompanied by shouts of  “You suck!” “Get out of town, asshole!” and “Die!” could be heard from the New York Yankees dugout Monday when Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez was briefly shown on the stadium’s jumbotron during opening day ceremonies, team sources confirmed. “You’re not a true Yankee and you never were!” Yankees second baseman Robinson Cano reportedly screamed at the center-field video screen when a stadium cameraman focused on Rodriguez, who was sitting next to Cano in the dugout at the time. “Fuck you, Fuck-Rod! You little bitch.” While Yankee players and coaches proceeded to flip off Rodriguez’s projected image, the third baseman appeared unaffected, staring straight ahead and eating sunflower seeds.
U.S. Ambassador To Cambodia Thinks Diplomatic Immunity Covers What He Just Did #~# PHNOM PENH—Wiping blood from his hands as he spoke with reporters Monday, U.S. ambassador to Cambodia William E. Todd said that if memory served, the thing he just did is almost certainly covered under the provisions of diplomatic immunity. “While I would need to consult the exact wording of the 1961 Vienna Convention again to confirm, I’m fairly confident that if you examine sovereign treaty law you’ll find that what I just did a few minutes ago cannot be defined as a prosecutable action,” said the disheveled diplomat before changing his soiled shirt, washing his face and torso, and hoisting a full garbage bag into the trunk of his car. “Of course, in the rare event of a civil suit, the State Department may waive immunity, but persecution isn’t taken in the vast majority of cases. That is my understanding, at least.” The ambassador went on to tell reporters that, as far as he knew, even if they wanted to stop him, they couldn’t.
Cardinal Says Catholic Church Should Welcome Gays #~# While admitting the Vatican would not change its opposition to same-sex marriage, Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan said the Church should be more welcoming of gays and lesbians, arguing that Catholicism needs to modernize how it presents its message. What do you think?
The Thousand-Year Curse #~# ABC
Exasperated James Holmes Requests Media Stop Calling Him ‘Alleged’ Colorado Shooter #~# CENTENNIAL, CO—Shortly after seeing yet another news article today describing him as an alleged mass shooter, frustrated Aurora theater gunman James Holmes urged the media to “cut the semantic bullshit” and stop referring to him as merely a suspect in the crime. “Look, I get the whole innocent-until-proven-guilty thing, but c’mon, let’s not be so precious here; I shot up a theater full of people,” said an aggravated Holmes, adding that he believes that, at this point, everyone can agree that using the word “alleged” is “pretty goddamn ridiculous.” “Or you know what? Fine. Let’s keep describing me as a ‘suspect,’ ‘the accused,’ or someone who has just been ‘charged.’ Because there was definitely another guy with dyed red hair, smoke bombs, and an assault rifle who ran in there and shot up the place.” At press time, the alleged gunman had no further comment.
Man Drives Car Into Wal-Mart, Assaults Shoppers #~# A man is in custody in San Jose, CA after he struck two cars with his Oldsmobile in a Wal-Mart parking lot Sunday, drove through the storefront, and then exited his vehicle and assaulted three store patrons and an employee with a blunt object. What do you think?
Raiders Confident Some Dipshit Team Will Be Stupid Enough To Trade For Carson Palmer #~# OAKLAND, CA—Claiming that there are plenty of dumb-as-fuck NFL franchises, Raiders general manager Reggie McKenzie reportedly expressed confidence Wednesday that some dipshit team would be idiotic enough to trade for quarterback Carson Palmer. “Some fucking moronic team is definitely willing to waste draft picks on Palmer,” said McKenzie, adding that several stupid-ass teams interested in the “shitty” quarterback had already contacted the Raiders. “I’m pretty sure the dimwitted chumps running the Cardinals are willing to foolishly throw away second- or third-round draft picks and maybe even a Pro Bowl player for our half-ass QB.” At press time, McKenzie confirmed that numerous stupid shit NFL franchises were involved in a fucking dumbass bidding war for Carson Palmer.
Heartbreaking Yelp Review Says It’s Just Nice To Eat A Meal Around Other People #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—In an exceedingly depressing review posted Monday on the popular website Yelp, a user identified as Gregg4 gave five stars to local diner Gullifty’s solely on the basis of it being a “place where you can go to eat a meal around folks who are talking and laughing.” “Sometimes it’s just nice to hear another person’s voice, you know?” the post read in part, lauding the eatery both for having patrons and for maintaining an atmosphere in which one can overhear them discussing their day. “At Gullifty’s, I can enjoy a plate of food and know I’ll never be seated too far away from a family or group of friends enjoying each other’s company. It’s best before 8 p.m., though, because after that the customers are gone and the staff is trying to clean up. You can still talk to them, but they usually don’t say much back.” Earlier this month, Gregg4 posted a scathing one-star review of a Chinese takeout restaurant, warning users that the delivery boy only mumbles a few words, and that once he leaves “you’re all alone again.”
‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 3 Opens With Every Character Getting Fingered While Discussing Arrival Of Winter #~# LOS ANGELES—After an extended hiatus, HBO’s Game Of Thrones kicked off its third season last night with a scene featuring every one of the epic fantasy drama’s characters being rapidly fingered as they discussed the arrival of the winter season. “Winter is coming, and with it a dark scourge that shall leave no man untouched, no kingdom unconquered,” says one of the show’s protagonists, Jon Snow, as the characters Catelyn Stark and Mance Rayder rapidly insert their fingers into his rectum while the rest of the show’s extensive cast also expound on the return of winter while having their own anuses and vaginas vigorously fingered. “These are dark days that await us, brethren. May the gods show us mercy, if indeed mercy they have.” Though viewer reception to the season premiere has been positive, fans of the hit series were reportedly disappointed that the episode failed to resolve the previous season’s cliffhanger in which a nude Tyrion Lannister eagerly masturbated a dragon for half an hour.
South Carolina Defends Right To Fly Hardee's Flag From State Capitol #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Faced with mounting pressure from critics who say it sends the wrong message about the state, residents of South Carolina have mounted a vociferous defense of their right to fly the Hardee’s flag from the top of their capitol building, reports confirmed Thursday.
Features Of Google Glass #~# Eight thousand contest winners were selected by Google last week to test out the company’s new internet-connected mobile device known as Google Glass, which is worn like a pair of eyeglasses. Here are some of the features of the revolutionary wearable computer:
'Game Of Thrones' Season 3 Premieres To Strong Ratings #~# The popular HBO fantasy drama Game of Thrones, based on the series of best-selling novels by George R.R. Martin, returned to television last night, continuing the struggle between the Lannisters and the Starks. What do you think?
13-Year-Old Wins National Spelling Bee On Word ‘Knaidel’ #~# After coming in third place the past two years, 13-year-old Arvind Mahankali won the Scripps National Spelling Bee last night on the word “knaidel,” a German-derived Yiddish word that means matzo ball. What do you think?
Perhaps The Gimmick Of My Father And Me Starring In A Movie Is Actually More Annoying Than Appealing #~# When I was first presented with the opportunity to act alongside my father in our latest movie After Earth, I couldn’t have been more excited. It seemed like a surefire hit at the time—I mean, wouldn’t the movie-going public just be over the moon to once again see Will and Jaden Smith on the silver screen playing father and son?
Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic #~# SANTA CLARA, CA—With several weeks now having passed since the tragic death of his old college roommate, local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday he is uncertain just how long he has to continue using a photograph of his departed friend as his Facebook profile picture. “I’ve had this photo of Matt up for a while now, so I’ve probably honored his memory pretty sufficiently at this point, right? What are the rules here?” said the 29-year-old, referring to the late Matthew Abrams, who in April succumbed to injuries sustained in a car accident, and whose photo has been featured on Bisbee’s profile ever since. “Obviously, I can’t leave it up forever—that would be creepy. But then again, it might look really weird if I just went back to my normal picture all of a sudden. Maybe if I change it late at night nobody will notice?” At press time, Bisbee confirmed he had switched his profile picture to a pro-gay-marriage equals sign and “[was] hoping for the best.”
‘CC Sabathia Is Hurting Team,’ Report Yankees Trapped Beneath Pitcher #~# NEW YORK—Claiming that the left-hander was inflicting significant damage to the team, Yankees sources trapped beneath CC Sabathia told reporters Friday that the pitcher was causing harm to the ball club’s mental and physical well-being. “He’s just crippling this team right now,” said an anonymous Yankee player, speaking in muffled, barely audible tones. “We’ve all felt it, and each day is getting worse and worse. Guys are awfully demoralized and some are clearly giving up. This really hurts. I’ve never seen the Yankees in such a bad place.” At press time, Yankees players confirmed that Sabathia was crushing their hopes of surviving until the postseason.
Report: NHL Actually Has Had Hundreds Of Openly Gay Players For Years #~# NEW YORK—In the wake of NBA center Jason Collins and U.S. soccer midfielder Robbie Rogers coming out as homosexual, reports revealed Friday that the National Hockey League has in fact had hundreds of openly gay athletes throughout its history.
Spelling Bee Champion Returns To School A Hero, He Imagines #~# BAYSIDE HILLS, NY—Scripps National Spelling Bee champion Arvind Mahankali arrived at his middle school in Bayside Hills, NY a hero lauded by all his classmates, the 13-year-old imagined today. “Man, Arvind, the way you took down the word ‘knaidel’ was unbelievable! You are awesome,” said popular and athletic classmate Jason Franklin in Mahankali’s imagination before lifting the spelling champion over his shoulder while surrounded by a consortium of applauding teachers, students, and cheerleaders. “We always knew you were super smart, but to win Scripps? That’s amazing, dude! We are great friends now.” At press time, Mahankali was telling himself that, yes, this is how things would be from now on.
If I Hold Out Another 2 Years, They’ll Give Me The Really Big Pension Bone #~# You know, I love the force, and I’m proud to have devoted myself to law enforcement these past five years. I’ve seen the city and met every kind of person you can meet. But lately, the gray fur’s been creeping in, and I find I get more and more winded chasing down those drug runners. It’s time I got serious about retirement planning—and, specifically, about choosing the pension bone that’s right for me.
Royals’ Agent Books Team For High-Profile Gig In New York City #~# KANSAS CITY—Calling it their chance to finally hit the big time, booking agent Freddie Holt announced this morning that he had landed the Kansas City Royals a major gig in New York City this August. “This is it, fellas: the big leagues!” said Holt, who promised that instead of the “crappy” Midwest venues they’ve been doing for months, the team would be “playing in front of thousands of screaming fans in The Big Apple.” “Everyone’s gonna be watching you. There’ll be big lights, TV cameras—maybe even a reporter for The New York Times! So, don’t blow it, or you’ll be back here in Kauffman Stadium before you know it.” Players were reportedly disappointed to learn the gig was actually in Queens and not Manhattan, but agreed that playing on the East Coast at all was “still a huge deal.”
Michele Bachmann Figures Why Not, Introduces Homosexual-Beheading Bill #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that she’ll be gone soon anyway so she might as well, Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann introduced H.R. 259: The Homosexual Decapitation Act, which would give the United States government legal authority to behead any gay U.S. Citizen. “I figured, eh, why not; I’m not running for reelection in 2014, I have nothing to lose, and I’ve been sitting on this bill for nearly five years, so what’s it going to hurt to finally throw it into the mix,” Bachmann said of the piece of legislation which, if passed, would create Homosexual Decapitation Centers throughout the country where handcuffed gay people would be taken to have their heads chopped off. “I’m also planning on introducing a Hang All The Muslims bill, the Abortion Doctor Castration Act, and H.R. 264, which would allow me to rip the throat out of any citizen who doesn’t believe in creationism. Rip it out with my teeth.” At press time, every new piece of legislation introduced by Bachmann had received more than 10 Republican cosponsors.
Gap Forced To Recall Pants After Man Dies Eating 37 Pairs Of Corduroys #~# SAN FRANCISCO—After reports surfaced Thursday that a local Gap customer became ill after consuming 37 pairs of five-pocket straight-fit corduroy pants, the clothing chain recalled the wrinkle-resistant men’s trousers and issued a statement urging customers to refrain from eating any style of their pants. “Gap is taking the necessary steps in the matter: First, we are going to put a label on our corduroy pants reminding people that it’s unhealthy to eat clothing. Second, we would just like to say directly to our customers, right now, that our pants are designed to be worn, not eaten. And third, if you recently purchased multiple pairs of corduroy pants, you can send them back for a full refund if you purchased the garments with the intent of eating them,” said Gap Inc. spokesperson Dina Abrahms, adding that the company’s sweaters, sweatshirts, tees, and tanks were also not intended to be swallowed or digested, and that in the event that a customer did consume multiple articles of Gap clothing, he or she should go to the nearest hospital immediately. “Now, if you really must eat our garments, please do so in moderation. One or two items at the very most, and never 37 pairs of pants in one sitting.” The company clarified that customers could feel free to eat their long-sleeve thermals, though, adding, “They’re actually pretty good.”
Larry King To Host Show On Russian TV #~# Larry King, the legendary 79-year-old news personality who retired from CNN in 2010, will host a new public affairs talk show called Politics With Larry King on the Russian state-funded television network RT starting in June. What do you think?
You Haven’t Seen ‘Frances Ha’ Until You’ve Seen It In IMAX #~# As a director, I have always strived to present my work to the audience in such a way that it accurately reflects my artistic vision in its purest form, so that what is displayed on the screen is as close as possible to my original conception of the film. This has never been more true than for my most recent project, Frances Ha, a lively paean to youth and dreams, and one which absolutely must be viewed in the film format that it was intended to be viewed in, which of course is IMAX.
Man On Cusp Of Having Fun Suddenly Remembers Every Single One Of His Responsibilities #~# GAITHERSBURG, MD—Local man Marshall Platt, 34, came tantalizingly close to kicking back and having a good time while attending a friend’s barbeque last night before remembering each and every one of his professional and personal obligations, backyard sources confirmed.
Features Of Motorola’s New Moto X Smartphone #~# All right, so, The Onion would like to sincerely apologize for not putting together this infographic about the new Moto X smartphone, since we frankly did not expect anyone to actually click on it. This post seemed like a good idea when originally conceived, but when it came down to actually doing research and then writing and editing the post, it just didn’t seem like a wise use of company time and resources. Ultimately, we felt that no one would really want to read about the Moto X—after all, this is not a new iPhone or a product with a comparable sense of global anticipation. There are high expectations for web traffic here at The Onion, and, to be completely honest, this hasn’t been the best traffic week (or month, for that matter), so we decided to devote our efforts to posts we thought would actually be viewed by readers. Now, you might be asking yourself why we would even publish the article at all if we knew no one was going to click on it, and that’s a reasonable question. A totally reasonable question. Unfortunately, we just don’t have a good answer to that question right now. Things are pretty confusing around here.
Chinese Buy America’s Largest Pork Producer #~# To satisfy China’s growing demand for pork as its middle class expands, the Chinese company Shanghui International Holdings is buying the American company Smithfield Foods, the world’s largest pork producer, for $4.7 billion. What do you think?
Nation Gathers Around Area Man Trying To Parallel Park #~# PHILADELPHIA—According to reports, the nation’s entire population gathered around and looked on with concern Thursday as 28-year-old Erik Olsen attempted to parallel park his Honda Civic in a tight space on South Street. “Man, he’s cutting it pretty close there,” said Milwaukee resident Adam Collins, 36, who was among the 315 million American passersby watching with pained expressions as Olsen moved backward several inches and then abruptly hit his brakes. “He didn’t cut the wheel soon enough, that’s the problem. At this point he needs to just pull out again, line up about 3 feet closer, and then—Christ, he’s gonna nick that Corolla with his bumper if he’s not careful.” Moments later, the entire U.S. populace reportedly let out a collective groan as Olsen accidentally backed his tires up onto the curb for a second time.
Company Hosts Fun Night For Employees To Get Drunk And Complain #~# WOBURN, MA—Local IT security firm Acronis International has organized an enjoyable little office party after work Thursday for staff members to get drunk and complain about their jobs, employees reported. “It’s just really nice when, every couple of months, the company puts out some snacks and a keg so we can all hang out together and enjoy complaining about our incompetent CEO, our shitty benefits package, our depressing open-plan office, our uninspiring business model, our annoying receptionist, and our meager salaries,” security analyst Ted Dorz said of the fun get-together. “It’s a great chance to get to know each other better and chat about why we absolutely hate our jobs and the company we work for. I wish we could do something like this every week, if only our CFO weren’t so fucking cheap.” At press time, numerous staff members were reporting that they couldn’t wait to down five beers in quick succession at 6 p.m., mutter “Fuck this place” to anyone in earshot, and take a cab home.
After Careful Deliberation, Baby Goes With Homosexuality #~# EDMOND, OK—Following weeks of deliberation during which he carefully considered what sort of life he wanted for himself, 4-month-old baby Nathan Reynolds announced Wednesday that he had decided to be homosexual.
George W. Bush Having Trouble Finding Decent Cocaine Since Leaving White House #~# CRAWFORD, TX—Citing his dramatically reduced level of influence and his separation from old acquaintances in Washington, former president George W. Bush complained Monday that he has had trouble finding decent cocaine since leaving office in 2009. “I had some real good hookups in D.C., but the shit down here is just terrible,” Bush said from his ranch in Crawford, TX, noting that while he could previously count on the White House kitchen staff or top aides for the good stuff, he now has to drive half an hour to Waco and waste his money on “junk cut with Benzo.” “I just don’t get as high, you know? Sucks, because I could really use some good coke right now. It’s commencement season, and God knows how many speeches I’m gonna have to get through.” Bush added that while he’s disappointed with the powder in Texas, he has to admit the whiskey and pot are “fantastic.”
Football Coach Who Just Cursed Out 14-Year-Old Also Special Education Teacher #~# ALEXANDRIA, AL—Sources at Alexandria High School confirmed Thursday that football head coach Eric Grier, the man who just unleashed an abusive, profane tirade at 14-year-old freshman linebacker Brandon Baker, also serves as the school’s special education teacher. “What the fuck was that? You’re lollygagging out there like a fucking turd,” said Grier, who during the school day is responsible for teaching and providing emotional support to kids with learning and developmental disorders. “No, shut the fuck up. That was fucking horrendous. You’re wasting this team’s time and you’re wasting my goddamn time, so I better not fucking see you pulling any more of that soft-ass pansy bullshit.” After practice ended, the 36-year-old coach reportedly drove home to have dinner with his wife and two young children.
Sherpas May Add Ladder At Top Of Everest #~# Aiming to ease congestion and increase the number of climbers they can take to the top of the mountain, Sherpa guides are considering adding a ladder to the nearly vertical 40-foot final ascent at the peak of Mount Everest. What do you think?
We Made A Big Gamble On Americans Wanting To Sit Around And Mindlessly Watch TV For Hours Straight, But It Paid Off #~# Great entrepreneurs—those steam engines that drive our economy—aren’t the people who follow conventional wisdom. They’re the ones who take risks, the ones who dare to try what no one else has imagined. They don’t ask what’s possible; they ask what could be possible. That’s why last year, I approached my board of directors with an admittedly far-fetched idea: What if Americans wanted to sit around and mindlessly watch television for multiple hours in a row?
Michele Bachmann Leaving Congress #~# Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), a Tea Party conservative who ran for president last year and an outspoken critic of President Obama, confirmed that she will not seek a fifth term in Congress in 2014. What do you think?
Michele Bachmann Leaving Congress #~# Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), a Tea Party conservative who ran for president last year and an outspoken critic of President Obama, confirmed that she will not seek a fifth term in Congress in 2014. What do you think?
New, Improved Google Maps Lets User Launch Missile At Any Location On Globe #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Tech giant Google announced Wednesday that their newest version of Maps will enable users to fire a missile at any location on the planet. “Simply zoom in on any point on the map, set the crosshairs, and tap the ‘Launch’ button, and a Google satellite will immediately send an ASM cruise missile accurate within 5 feet,” said Maps product manager Jason Murawski, adding that the feature is available on both iPhone iOS and Android operating systems, whereupon the missile’s flight path can also be tracked in real time. “If you need a closer look at a target, just go to Street View, which enables you to go up and down a city block and set multiple airstrike markers. You can even explore the interiors of certain buildings, should you want to attack a specific floor or section of a structure.” At press time, massive explosions had been reported at a neighborhood park in Cleveland, a restaurant in Lawrenceville, NJ, and the Eiffel Tower.
Michele Bachmann: ‘God Wants Me To Earn 7 Figures For A Lobbying Firm’ #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that it’s the Lord’s will, Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann announced on her website Wednesday that she has decided not to seek reelection in 2014 because God wants her to earn millions of dollars working for a high-powered lobbying firm.
BuzzFeed Writer Resigns In Disgrace After Plagiarizing ‘10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models’ #~# NEW YORK—Bringing an end to a high-profile scandal that has shaken the media industry, BuzzFeed staff writer Tim Mills resigned his position Wednesday following widespread accusations that he plagiarized content in the recent slideshow “10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models.”
Family’s Euphemism For Genitals Really Weird #~# ‘They Call Them Dinkies,’ Sources Say
Biggest Scandals Of The Obama Administration #~# President Barack Obama has recently come under fire for the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups, the White House’s handling of last September’s attack in Benghazi, and the Justice Department’s seizure of reporters’ phone records. Here are some other scandals that have tainted the Obama Administration:
Tim Duncan Offers Legal Advice To Wife’s Divorce Lawyer #~# SAN ANTONIO—After entering into divorce proceedings with his wife of nearly 12 years, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan made his considerable abundance of legal knowledge freely available to his spouse’s divorce lawyer, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You’re an excellent counselor, and you’ve been doing a bang-up job with these filings so far, but if you ever need any assistance, I’d be more than happy to help,” Duncan reportedly told attorney Adam Whitley, noting that certain issues pertaining to alimony, financial disclosure, and joint custody agreements can often be “a little tricky.” “Especially when you get into those complex Texas statutes surrounding the proper division of assets and debt, it never hurts to have a second pair of eyes to go over the paperwork. And, by the way, if you haven’t already checked it out, Divorce And Family Mediation: Models, Techniques, And Applications is an indispensable resource as far as dissolution law goes. I can lend you my copy if you’re interested.” Duncan added that should Whitley have any further questions regarding the legal proceedings accompanying the end of his marriage, he should feel free to call him at any point during the Spurs’ upcoming championship series.
Nation Excited To See Whatever Bile The Internet Spews Up Today #~# WASHINGTON—According to reports, the American people are currently rubbing their hands in anticipation for whatever vile, disgusting garbage the internet will eventually puke up across a variety of news outlets, blogs, social media networks, and comment sections today. “Man oh man, I literally cannot wait to see what foul shit the web smears across my computer screen,” said Massachusetts resident Andrew Renzi, 29, before eagerly checking out the latest despicable offal and sludge Facebook, Twitter, CNN.com, and Reddit had recently coughed up. “What’s it gonna be? A horrid slideshow spewed from the pits of internet hell designed to appeal to the basest form of human intelligence? A poisonous stream of racist comment threads? Either way, I just love how you can always count on the net to deliver a rancid, steaming plate of feces fresh to your browser every morning.” At press time, Renzi had breathlessly clicked on a link to a story about Elvis’ connection to Michael Jackson’s death.
$200K Raised To Buy Video Of Toronto Mayor Smoking Crack #~# An IndieGoGo project created by Gawker has reached its $200,000 goal, with the intention of purchasing a video from a self-proclaimed member of the Toronto drug scene that allegedly shows Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. What do you think?
Ancient Egyptian Agriculture Revolved Around 3 Seasons And Was Heavily Dependent On Irrigation #~# Agriculture has arguably been the single most crucial development in human history. The methods of cultivating and harvesting crops have been perfected over thousands upon thousands of years, dating as far back as the Neolithic Era of 10,000 BC, and no civilization has been more integral to such advancements than the people of Ancient Egypt. However, unlike other regions of the world, Egyptian agriculture was dictated entirely by the cyclical flooding of the Nile River, a natural form of irrigation that divided the farming calendar into three distinct seasons.
Chinese Hackers Steal Top U.S. Weapons Designs #~# Chinese hackers reportedly gained access to the designs of more than two dozen highly advanced U.S. weapons, including ballistic missile defense systems, fighter jets, and helicopters. What do you think?
New Obesity Drug Delicious #~# CHICAGO—Following the FDA’s approval of the prescription obesity medication Pryvexa earlier this week, users of the recently released weight management pill have confirmed that it is absolutely delicious. “They’re so good, I’ve been eating them like nonstop,” said Roland Holmes, 46, one of the thousands of overweight users who reported being able to pop full bottles of the phentermine-based pill every day. “I try to cut myself off, but they’re just too tasty. I like to mix them in with my milkshakes or with a handful of my diabetes medication.” In the wake of the drug’s immediate popularity, the FDA has reportedly been forced to announce an individual limit of six bottles of Pryvexa per day.
Family Concerned After John McCain Wanders Into Syria #~# WASHINGTON—Members of Sen. John McCain’s family expressed deep concern Tuesday after receiving word that the aging legislator had wandered off into Syria. “Unfortunately, this has been happening a lot lately; he’ll walk out of the Capitol building, get disoriented, and then we get a call late at night saying that John is in Syria,” McCain’s wife Cindy said upon learning that her 76-year-old husband turned up in the war-torn country after ambling across the Turkey-Syria border and delivering a rambling, incoherent speech to a group of rebels. “Then one of us has to go to Syria, pick him up, and bring him back to Washington. We’re going to have to sit down soon and decide what to do about this before he seriously hurts himself.” McCain’s wife added that her husband’s recent trip to Syria was the most alarming episode for her family since the elderly Arizona senator got into his car, started driving, and ended up lost in the 2008 presidential election.
U.S. Disc Jockey General Urges Americans To Get The Led Out #~# WASHINGTON—Citing “troubling” statistics revealing that the vast majority of Americans are not receiving all rock all the time, U.S. Disc Jockey General Rich “The Wolf” Haskel urged citizens nationwide Tuesday to get the Led out.
Scientific Breakthrough Reveals Stars Consist Primarily Of Twinkles #~# WASHINGTON—In a breakthrough study that experts say completely reshapes our understanding of the cosmos, a team of astrophysicists at Oxford University have discovered that stars, the celestial bodies that represent the fundamental building blocks of galaxies, are composed primarily of twinkles. “When we look up at the night sky, all we see are tiny dots of light, but in reality these luminous interstellar objects are made up of trillions and trillions of tiny twinkles,” said lead researcher Professor Paul Denton, who added that each twinkle itself contains billions of small twinkle fractals all held together by the forces of gravity. “Moreover, the twinkles we observe with the naked eye are in fact twinkles that twinkled millions of years ago that are only now visible from earth.” Researchers added that twinkles are very pretty and sparkly.
Tecmo Bowl–Winning Bulldogs Visit White House #~# WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama hosted the Tecmo Bowl champion Bulldogs at the White House Thursday, honoring the team for their stunning victory over the heavily favored Wildcats.
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of May 28, 2013 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Adrian Peterson’s Boyfriend Can Take A Hint #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Responding to Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson publicly asserting his firm opposition to gay marriage, the reigning MVP’s longtime boyfriend Scott Oakes told reporters Tuesday that he “can take a hint” and now understands that the athlete isn’t interested in marrying him. “All right, Adrian, I get the message loud and clear,” said Oakes, noting that Peterson’s stated position that gay marriage is “not something [he believes] in” perfectly explained why his lover had yet to pop the question at any point in their three-year relationship. “He can’t see himself being with me in the long term? That’s fine, but if that’s how he feels, he should have had the guts to tell me directly rather than letting it slip out in some radio interview. I’m not with that.” Oakes added that, with Peterson now out of the picture, he was considering trying to patch things up with his former flame, Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace.
Last 12 Years A Real Wake-Up Call For Area Man #~# SAGINAW, MI—Saying he had been “shaken up pretty badly” after hitting rock bottom from 2001 to 2013, local man Phillip Garvey, 41, told reporters Tuesday that the past 12 years had been the incident that finally motivated him to turn his life around. “It was a real eye-opener for me as soon as things got really rough there for about a dozen years,” Garvey said of the period during which he endured a failed marriage, a bankruptcy, and a bout with alcoholism. “Those years when I was between the ages of 29 and 41, that’s when it truly hit me: Something’s gotta change. I have to start taking charge of my life right now.” Garvey later admitted that while he’d had “a pretty good scare” between 1993 and 2000, the past 12 years had really been “the last straw.”
Dozens Wounded As Man Defends Box Of Wheat Thins From Invading Coworker Horde #~# KENOSHA, WI—Local marketing firm MediaGlobal became a scene of chaos this morning after an account manager fended off dozens of coworkers as they attempted to take handfuls of Wheat Thins from the box on his desk. "It was pretty touch-and-go for a while there, but luckily I was able to toss my monitor at Mike from accounting, then pick up my keyboard and club [H.R. manager] Linda before she was able to get her hand in the box," said the bloodied and bruised employee, who managed to fend off over twenty colleagues brandishing improvised weapons such as staplers, reams of printer paper, and the water cooler. "I knew I couldn't fight them all, so I tossed a few Wheat Thins down the hall to distract them while I made a run for it. I hated to sacrifice perfectly good Wheat Thins like that, but I had no choice. My life was on the line." At press time, the terrified man was hiding with his box of Wheat Thins in an air duct above the copy room as ravenous, half-mad coworkers searched the building.
Google Blimps To Bring Wi-Fi To Emerging Countries #~# Google is reportedly seeking to build a network of high-altitude blimps to transmit wireless internet signals across sub-Saharan Africa and Southeast Asia, with each blimp capable of offering Wi-Fi access over several hundred square miles of land. What do you think?
Graphic Lesbian Film Wins Top Prize At Cannes #~# The highest prize at the Cannes Film Festival was awarded to the romance film Blue Is The Warmest Color: The Life Of Adele, a coming-of-age story about a 15-year-old girl and her older lesbian lover that features long, explicit lesbian sex scenes. What do you think?
Sources: Greg Oden Looks Incredible In Video From 2007 #~# ATLANTA—Displaying the virtually unlimited raw potential of a once-in-a-generation franchise center, multiple league sources confirmed Saturday that former Portland Trail Blazers player Greg Oden has looked absolutely incredible in a video from 2007. “He’s just such an amazing physical specimen—the guy could destroy every center in the league,” NBA On TNT analyst Steve Kerr said of the video that surfaced five years ago, showcasing Oden’s tremendous natural talents as a center for Ohio State University. “He totally dominates in the paint and around the rim. Guys with 7-foot, 250-pound frames who have that level of quickness and agility don’t come around too often. How do you stop that?” Kerr went on to say that while Oklahoma City Thunder small forward Kevin Durant demonstrates a pretty high ceiling in a recently unearthed clip from 2006, Oden appears to “ultimately be the guy you can build a team around for the next decade.”
Area Man Beginning To Think He Has Memorial Day Off #~# BOSTON—Hours after arriving at an empty office this morning, local man and R&G Insurance Guaranty sales associate Joel Wyner told reporters that he’s beginning to suspect his employer may have given his staff the day off for Memorial Day. “I figured people might be rolling in a little late on a Monday, but it’s well past noon at this point,” Wyner said while furtively scanning the rows of vacant cubicles in his noiseless, unlit office. “The company didn’t send any kind of email about having Memorial Day off. At least I don’t think they did. Did we have it off last year?” At press time, a phone call made by Wyner to his supervisor had gone directly to voicemail.
Report: Texting While Driving Okay If You Look Up Every Couple Seconds #~# WASHINGTON—A new report published Monday by the National Transportation Safety Board advises motorists that sending text messages while driving “is totally fine” and “not that big a deal” as long as you make sure to glance up from your phone every now and then. “If you’re driving and have a really important text to send, that’s okay; just try to keep one eye on the road as best you can,” NTSB chairman Deborah Hersman said of the report, which advocates a new “50-50 rule” for texting drivers, suggesting they keep half their attention on the road and half on their handheld device. “After all, you can always steer with your knees or—if you really want to be extra careful—text with one hand and hold the wheel with the other. Better yet, just ask a passenger to give you a heads-up whenever there’s a red light or another car up ahead.” Hersman added that the report’s findings apply not only to texting, but also to checking email, playing games, or watching movies while driving.
‘Crazy’ Ants Swarm Across Southeastern U.S. #~# An invasive species known as crazy ants is rapidly crowding out fire ant species in the Southeast, causing havoc by invading homes, nesting in walls, and damaging appliances and electrical equipment by swarming inside of them. What do you think?
Timothy Hutton and Debra Winger #~# Timothy Hutton and Debra Winger were married in 1986, if you didn’t know.
3-Day Weekend Practically Already Over #~# WASHINGTON—According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Monday’s federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in said weekend dwindling away at an increasingly rapid pace even as you read this news article. Reports have confirmed that, given the hour in the day, it is practically Sunday already, so you can basically consider half the weekend gone, and that between the various errands you have to run, the various things you need to finish up before Tuesday, and the hours you effectively waste doing nothing at all, sources say you’ll only really be enjoying the rest of the weekend in any substantive way for another hour or two tops. In fact, sources are verifying, when you really think about it, you should probably just watch a show on Netflix and get some sleep before heading back to the office because, let’s face it, the weekend is pretty much over at this point, and you know it.
Obama Vows To Wind Down War On Terror #~# After more than a decade of war, President Obama stated yesterday that the U.S. should limit drone strikes, close the Guantánamo Bay detention facility, and repeal the Authorization for Use of Military Force that was enacted after Sept. 11, 2001. What do you think?
Tim Duncan Encourages Teammates To Be Fathers First, Basketball Players Second #~# SAN ANTONIO—In an effort to inspire the team before Game 3 of the Western Conference Finals, Spurs captain Tim Duncan reportedly reminded his teammates Friday to always put their duties as fathers before their jobs as basketball players. “What you do on this court is nothing compared to what you do at home for your children,” said Duncan, adding that what this country lacks most is not basketball players but mature men. “The playoffs end in June, but the responsibilities of fatherhood? Those are year-round. Guys, it doesn’t matter if you score 10,000 points or win three NBA championships—spending time with your kids: that’s the championship. This is just a game, after all.” Duncan then referred his teammates to a study showing that children with absent fathers were more likely to have behavioral problems than those whose fathers were present and involved in their lives.
Biden Investigated For Questionable Workers’ Comp Claim #~# WASHINGTON—Weeks after accepting a workers’ compensation settlement for a personal injury he purportedly sustained on the job, Vice President Joe Biden is under investigation for allegedly filing a fraudulent claim, sources confirmed Friday. “Can you believe it? I wrench the hell out of my back while showing a diplomat around the Rose Garden, and now they’re trying to take away my disability check?” a back brace–wearing Biden said of the ongoing probe into his settlement, noting that he expects to be “on the mend” for at least a few months. “I got this jerk-off from the insurance company snooping around, and I keep telling him, ‘Listen, buddy, if you don’t get off my case, I’m likely to re-aggravate my injury and be off the job even longer.’ I’d love to get back to work, but right now my lawyer says the best thing for me to do is take it easy and keep collecting those checks, so that’s exactly what Uncle Joe’s gonna do.” Biden added that while he’s been treating his injury with “a few cold ones, [he] could definitely use some Oxy to help put out the fire.”
Boy Scouts To Allow Gay Members, Ban Gay Leaders #~# The Boy Scouts of America voted during their annual meeting yesterday to allow the admittance of openly gay youths into the scouting program, while maintaining the organization’s ban on homosexual adults as scout leaders. What do you think?
Gay Kid Excited To Be Made Fun Of For Second Thing #~# SUGAR LAND, TX—Shortly after reports surfaced today that the Boy Scouts of America had voted to lift its ban on gay youths, local homosexual child Max Lovell, 14, told reporters that he was looking forward to joining the organization and finally being ridiculed for another thing. “This is great. I get made fun of every day for being gay, but now I’ll be called a dork, too,” said the enthusiastic Lovell, who is routinely taunted for being homosexual but will now endure everything from light ribbing to vicious name-calling based on his affiliation with the outdoor-preparedness youth group. “It’s perfect because I’ve been looking for a second thing to get mocked for, and Boy Scouts seems like a great fit. I think it’ll really open me up to a whole new batch of cutting insults.” Lovell added that he also “can’t wait” to see what his peers will do when he joins the eighth-grade marching band in the fall.
U.S. Admits To Killing Americans In Drone Strikes #~# The government confirmed for the first time that it has killed Americans in strikes by unmanned aerial drones, killing four U.S. citizens in Yemen and Pakistan, including radical cleric Anwar Al-Awlaki. What do you think?
The Events Depicted In ‘Star Wars’ Actually Happened To Me #~# It should be obvious to any moviegoer of perception that I created a series of highly personal films with my famous Star Wars franchise. But I think one of the things many critics miss about my six-part space opera is that the works are much more autobiographical than one might initially think. I mean, it’s not like I dreamed this stuff up—I made these movies the way I did because the events depicted in them actually did occur.
Restaurant's Extreme Burger Challenge Moved Down To Regular Menu #~# COLUMBUS, OH—According to staff at Dusty’s Kitchen, the local restaurant’s extreme burger challenge, formerly described as “an insurmountable mountain of beef and cheese,” has recently been moved down to the regular dinner menu. “When we first started selling the Colossus Burger, we didn’t actually think more than a handful of people would attempt to finish it, but now it’s our most popular item,” said Dusty’s shift manager Rachel Ferguson, referring to the 10-pound tower of hamburger patties, bacon, onion rings, and three kinds of cheese, which also comes with five pounds of french fries and which is reportedly now referred to on the menu simply as “The Classic.” “Honestly, it got to the point where every single customer who tackled that burger was polishing it off no problem, and well under the 30-minute time limit, too. We were giving out free meals and ‘I Slayed the Mighty Colossus’ T-shirts left and right.” Ferguson noted that the restaurant has since upgraded its challenge burger to an enhanced 40-pound version referred to as “The Leviathan,” which at press time was being enjoyed by eight different Dusty’s patrons.
Highlights From David Beckham’s Career #~# Onion Sports examines notable moments from the soccer player’s illustrious 21-year career. 
Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard #~# WALTHAM, MA—Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking about it very intensely.
Man Eating McChicken Sandwich Can Tell McDonald's Switched Up Antibiotics #~# SEATTLE—Citing “subtle notes of ethambutol and clindamycin,” longtime McDonald’s customer Chris Hingle reported Thursday that he could discern from the taste of his McChicken sandwich a definite change in the antibiotics the fast food giant uses in its poultry. “This tastes way less ciprofloxacin-y than the McChicken did a year ago,” Hingle stated after two bites of the crispy dollar-menu item. “It’s good and all, but I really wish they’d bring back the old macrolide blend with the dirithromycin and troleandomycin. That’s the taste I grew up with.” Hingle later added that the Wendy’s restaurant chain “seriously needs to find a better thickening and gelling agent” if it hopes to sell him another Frosty.
Dwight Howard Interested In Ruining Rockets #~# LOS ANGELES—Ahead of his impending free agency, Lakers center Dwight Howard told reporters Thursday that he is “very interested” in moving to Houston and completely ruining the Rockets. “They have a great young core of players with James Harden and Jeremy Lin, so I’d obviously love the chance to go shatter their chemistry and tear the entire locker room apart,” said Howard, adding that he would “relish the opportunity” to totally undermine Rockets head coach Kevin McHale. “There are a few teams on my radar right now. Dallas has a really solid roster too, and I’m definitely intrigued by the prospect of clashing with Dirk Nowitzki and running that whole franchise into the ground. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.” Howard did stress to reporters, however, that he has not yet ruled out remaining in Los Angeles to continue destroying the Lakers for the foreseeable future.
NASA Developing 3D Food Printer #~# Aiming to feed astronauts efficiently on long space missions in the future, NASA has awarded a $125,000 grant to develop a printer that can create three-dimensional food items, which will use cartridges containing edible powders that have a shelf life of 30 years. What do you think?
Raymond Kinnard and Margie McGinnis #~# Unable to secure the permits at the last minute, Raymond Kinnard and Margie McGinnis were wed Saturday on dry land in full scuba gear.
Miami Heat Unprepared For Chainsaw-Wielding Pacers #~# MIAMI—During Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, players on the Miami Heat confirmed Wednesday that they were wholly unprepared for the aggressive brand of basketball played by the chainsaw-wielding members of the Indiana Pacers squad. “Going into this game, we were planning on using our superior ball movement to neutralize Indiana’s size advantage and get around their defenders, but when their starting five walked out onto the court with revving chainsaws in hand—there just wasn’t a way for us to anticipate that,” said Heat shooting guard Dwyane Wade as his screaming teammate Chris Bosh was set upon by a seemingly berserk Roy Hibbert. “We knew they’d be physical, but they’ve really taken things to a new level with these chainsaws. I mean, LeBron [James] has lost a leg, both of his arms, and most of his face; they’ve succeeded in completely taking him out of the game.” At press time, in spite of having suffered numerous gruesome amputations and substantial blood loss, the Heat had jumped out to an early lead.
Photos Of Bin Laden's Body To Stay Secret #~# A federal court ruled that the government does not have to release photographs of the body of Osama bin Laden taken after he was shot dead in 2011, claiming the images could incite violence against the U.S. What do you think?
Kate Middleton Suffering From Morning Sickness #~# LONDON—Just two months away from Kate Middleton’s speculated July due date, sources close to the Royal Family confirmed today the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge is in the throes of yet another case of morning sickness. “As has been the case several times in the past few months, Kate is feeling a tad queasy,” an anonymous source told OK Magazine UK reporter Robin Healy. “However, when the Duchess isn’t sick, she has all sorts of food cravings and will always leave the plates completely spotless. That royal baby must be a hungry little guy!” The source added that an apparently overwhelmed and excited Middleton has repeatedly told those around her that she “just [wants] the baby to come out.”
Brian Urlacher Retires With Plenty Of Injuries Left In The Tank #~# CHICAGO—Iconic Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher officially announced his retirement from the NFL Wednesday, despite acknowledging that he still had “a lot of injuries left in the tank.” “I’ve decided that now is the time to end my playing career, even though I’m very confident that I could continue suffering injuries at a high level for a couple more seasons,” Urlacher wrote in a statement to reporters, adding that his decision largely hinged on the fact that he could no longer get hurt playing for the Bears. “I’m still very much capable of going out there and straining my hamstrings, fracturing the bones in my arms, and tearing my knee ligaments. And there’s no doubt in my mind that I could be listed as questionable for 16 games next season, but after 13 years in the league, my choice to retire is final.” Urlacher went on to thank the Bears organization and fans, claiming that he will “never forget” the time he spent on the team’s sidelines last season.
Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy #~# WASHINGTON—Standing before members of the White House Press Corps Wednesday afternoon as aides lowered a bunch of grapes into his mouth, President Obama encouraged everyone gathered in the West Wing briefing room to abandon their inhibitions and revel in a wild, drunken orgy.
Woman Who Cracked 3 Separate iPhone Screens Expecting Baby Boy This August #~# PHILADELPHIA—Samantha Curtis, a 29-year-old sales clerk who has reportedly cracked three separate iPhone screens over the years, is due to give birth to a baby boy this coming August, sources confirmed.
Calvin Johnson Says He Played 2012 Season With Broken Heart #~# DETROIT—Months following his record-setting 2012 campaign, Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson shocked football fans Wednesday, revealing that he played much of last season with a severely broken heart. “A certain someone banged up my heart pretty bad, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me from doing what had to be done,” said the Lions wideout, who last year caught 122 passes for an NFL record 1,964 yards while reportedly suffering from the chronic pain and anguish of having his heart torn out and shattered into a thousand pieces. “Sure, it makes it difficult to perform when you’ve had your heart trampled on by the one person who told you she would always be there for you. It really hurts, but when a situation like that arises, you just gotta play through it, you know?” At press time, Johnson added, “Lilah. Oh, Lilah, Lilah, Lilah.”
Life’s Too Short To Get Hung Up On The Mysterious Circumstances Surrounding Your Wife’s Death #~# Life is precious. And yet, how often do we lose sight of the big picture, wasting our time worrying about things that can’t be helped? Sure, you can spend your life sweating the small stuff, stressing out about problems you can’t control, going over the mysterious circumstances of your wife’s death over and over like a broken record, or you can get out there and enjoy everything life has to offer.
Local Mosque Only Rated 1.5 Stars On Yelp #~# DES MOINES, IA—With complaints about everything from “raggedy prayer mats” to “the grimiest ablution fountain ever,” local Muslims have slammed the al-Wali Mosque on 14th Street as “the worst of the worst,” giving it an average review of 1.5 stars on the website Yelp. “Frankly, this place is a dump—between the poor lighting, the overall dirtiness, and the crowds, it’s almost impossible to concentrate on anything pure or holy,” user Faruq43 wrote in a scathing review posted this week, claiming that he once even had his shoes stolen from the mosque when he removed them for Friday prayers. “On top of that, it doesn’t even face Mecca. Seriously! According to my iPhone, it’s at least 10 degrees off. I now drive an extra half hour to the masjid in Ames just to avoid this place.” According to congregants, the place of worship’s only five-star review, an unqualified rave, was almost certainly posted by the mosque’s imam.
Childhood ADHD Linked To Obesity Later In Life #~# A study found that 41 percent of males who were diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in elementary school were classified as obese at age 41, compared to just 22 percent among those with no history of the condition. What do you think?
Peter Jacobs and Estelle Wilson #~# Peter Jacobs and Estelle Wilson, both age 88, were married in the banquet hall of Shady Oaks Nursing Home on Friday, surrounded by people who looked kind of familiar to them.
Father Excitedly Tells 10-Year-Old Son About New Video Game System #~# WEST HAVEN, CT—Following Microsoft’s official unveiling of their latest video game console Tuesday, 41-year-old father of two Richard Shearer excitedly told his son David, 10, about the new features of the Xbox One. “It looks so awesome—the graphics are super realistic and there’s a new controller with these triggers that can, like, vibrate in different ways if you’re playing a shooting game or a racing game,” said the middle-aged accountant, tugging on his prepubescent child’s shirt to get his attention before loudly exclaiming that the console also features a Blu-Ray player and “can change the TV channels.” “And there’s this thing where, for the Kinect, it can track your fingers and your face, and it can even take voice commands! It’s so cool. We have to get one when it comes out!” At press time, Shearer was frantically calling his best friend Jacob, 43, to talk about the newly released commercial for forthcoming Xbox One game Call Of Duty: Ghosts.
Apple Dodged Billions In Taxes #~# Apple CEO Tim Cook was questioned by lawmakers today, following a congressional report that showed how the company used a complex web of offshore subsidiaries to keep the IRS from taxing at least $74 billion of its earnings over the past four years. What do you think?
‘Our Thoughts Go Out To Oklahoma,’ Says Congressman Mentally Calculating When He Can Bring Up Benghazi Again #~# VISTA, CA—Following the devastating tornado in Oklahoma this week that killed dozens of residents and displaced many more, U.S. congressman Darrell Issa, a representative from California who is currently counting down the seconds until he can bring up Benghazi again, told reporters his thoughts are with the people of Oklahoma. “My sincerest thoughts and prayers go out to everyone affected by this horrible tragedy,” Issa said while trying to determine in his head, to the nearest millisecond, the next possible moment he can get away with once again raising questions about the Obama administration’s handling of the attack in Benghazi. “I am deeply saddened by this tragedy and commend the brave men and women of Oklahoma City for their heroic response to the disaster. The people of California have you in our hearts.” At press time, Issa was wondering if maybe now would be the right time.
24-Year-Old Receives Sage Counsel From Venerable 27-Year-Old #~# DULUTH, MN—Generously bestowing the kind of wisdom that only comes with age, worldly and venerable 27-year-old Matthew Owen took the time last night to offer his enlightened counsel to 24-year-old family friend Dennis Paige, sources confirmed Tuesday.
2013 Year In Review Photo Essay Shaping Up To Be Quite Horrific #~# WASHINGTON—Citing a succession of tragedies that have darkened the majority of 2013, including the Boston Marathon bombing, the Bangladeshi garment building collapse, and yesterday’s Oklahoma tornado, media outlets across the nation confirmed today that their end-of-the-year news slideshows are looking rather horrific so far. “We’re still in May, and this thing’s already turning out to be a real soul-crusher,” said CNN web producer Kim Benson of their website’s 2013 “Year In Photos” feature, which is reportedly “packed to the gills” with horror and misery despite containing only five months’ worth of material so far. “I mean, the Texas fertilizer plant explosion; the New Orleans Mother’s Day Parade shooting; the continuing Syrian genocide; fucking Ariel Castro. This thing’s a doozy already. And remember, it’s not even storm season yet and murder rates spike in the summer.” At press time, sources confirmed we still had seven more months of this goddamned year.
Americans Dredge Up Last Remaining Reserves Of Grief #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—In the wake of yesterday’s devastating tornado that has so far left 24 dead and hundreds injured in the Oklahoma City area, citizens around the country reportedly dredged up what little remained of the nation’s rapidly diminishing grief reserves.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain #~# AMARILLO, TX—Frequently mentioning the fact that his hometown of Corpus Christi, TX also happens to be the birthplace of Whataburger, local 31-year-old Chad Derringer takes a truly depressing amount of pride in the fast food establishment, sources confirmed Tuesday. “If you’ve never been to one, you absolutely have to try it,” Derringer said of the 735-location restaurant chain, which he reportedly speaks of so proudly and so often that those around him find it simply heartbreaking. “I’d put their burger up against any other burger out there—fast food or slow food, doesn’t matter. Whataburger beats them all, hands down. And if there’s a place with better fries, I’d sure like to try them.” Even more depressing, sources revealed, is the fact that Derringer, who has never been employed by Whataburger, owns a minimum of three shirts bearing its logo.
American Consumers Happiest Since 2007 #~# Americans’ confidence in the U.S. economy reached its highest level since July 2007, according to the latest reading of a leading consumer sentiment index. What do you think?
Yahoo Buying Tumblr For $1.1 Billion #~# As part of CEO Marissa Mayer’s strategy to expand the company’s social and mobile presence and attract younger users, Yahoo will purchase the popular blogging service Tumblr for $1.1 billion in cash. What do you think?
‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Missions To Focus Largely On Tutoring, Community Outreach #~# NEW YORK—Confirming months of speculation, developers at Rockstar Games revealed today that the missions in the upcoming Grand Theft Auto V video game will largely revolve around the player serving as a tutor and volunteering for various community outreach programs. “We’ve developed a deep and immersive gaming experience wherein players will be able to go on a diverse array of missions, from coaching high school students in math to working closely with a series of nonprofit groups with a focus on aiding disadvantaged neighborhoods,” Rockstar President Sam Houser said of the newest installment in the popular GTA series, noting that the game will take place in the expansive open world of Los Santos, which the main character can safely traverse in a two-door sedan loaded with study materials and potted plants. “As the game develops, players will eventually be able to undertake more challenging missions relating to LSAT prep and inner-city soccer programs, as well as unlock a one-bedroom apartment that offers a quicker commute to the Boys and Girls Club. That is, if they pass the credit check.” Though Houser refused to divulge additional details, sources have hinted that the game ends with a tragic episode in which the player is beaten and subsequently run over by a carjacker.
Justin Bieber Recovering In Intensive Care Unit After Being Badly Booed #~# LAS VEGAS—Doctors at Valley Hospital Medical Center are reporting that pop sensation Justin Bieber is in critical but stable condition today after being admitted to the facility’s intensive care unit Sunday night with severe booing-related trauma sustained at the Billboard Music Awards. “Mr. Bieber was rushed into the ER late last evening after enduring heavy boos, and while the situation was pretty touch-and-go for a while there, his vitals look good and we are hopeful he will eventually make a full recovery,” emergency medical specialist Dr. Isaac Liss said of the 19-year-old singer, who entered the hospital after being badly hurt by a chorus of jeers, jibes, and heckles while accepting the fan-voted Milestone Award. “We’re just trying to administer lots of love and praise right now. He’s still on shaky ground, but with a steady, round-the-clock course of fawning adulation, I think Mr. Bieber will one day soon, with luck, be able to make another awards show appearance.” At press time, Bieber’s condition had taken a turn for the worse after the performer was booed by one of his nurses.
Teacher Grading Papers Next To You On Plane Not Pulling Any Punches #~# ABOVE CONCORDIA, KS—Her pen mercilessly slashing its way through a stack of handwritten pages, the middle school English teacher grading papers next to you on your flight from Los Angeles to Cleveland sure isn’t pulling any punches, sources confirmed Friday. “Man, she’s really letting those kids have it, isn’t she?” you reportedly thought to yourself while watching the teacher, who is holding nothing back as she fills page after page with red ink, crosses out entire paragraphs and aggressively marks several sentences “unnecessary” or “confusing.” “C plus, B minus, D minus—this woman is not fucking around. These are 12-year-olds writing papers on Abraham Lincoln, for God’s sake. You’d think she’d just be glad they turned in something halfway readable.” At press time, sources confirmed that Joey Caldwell from third period was getting torn a new asshole.
Weird Guy From 2 Jobs Ago Still Liking Woman’s Photos On Facebook #~# NORFOLK, VA—Though she hasn’t spoken with him since they were both employees of American Mutual Insurance back in 2008, local woman Rebecca Pittman, 30, said Thursday that her former coworker Jeff Wallach, 35, still frequently “likes” her photos on Facebook. “At least once or twice a week I can count on getting a notification that says he likes one of my pictures,” Pittman told reporters, adding that she and Wallach were never at any point close friends, though they occasionally made small talk in their office’s break room. “Even if someone tags me in a photo of a large group of people he’s never met, there’s still a pretty good chance he’ll like it. And weirdest of all, sometimes he’ll click ‘like’ when I accept a friend request from someone he couldn’t possibly know. Why the hell would anyone do that?” Pittman went on to admit that on the rare occasions when Wallach fails to like one of her Facebook photos, she actually gets a little bit offended and wonders if maybe there’s something wrong with it.
90% Of Audience At College Graduation Involved In Heated Family Argument #~# BETHLEHEM, PA—With numerous disagreements on topics ranging from who was supposed to make dinner reservations, to the unexpected high cost of the hotel, to who was to blame for arriving late to the ceremony, over 90 percent of the audience members at Lehigh University’s graduation ceremony are currently involved in a heated family argument, campus sources are reporting. “Shh! Pay attention. This isn’t about you,” nearly all the parents of graduating seniors told their younger children prior to a family squabble over how to use the camera’s zoom function and then another about why their graduating sons or daughters didn’t better explain where they would be sitting during the ceremony. “Goddamnit, if you didn’t want to sit all the way back here you should have gotten ready on time. Honey, did you figure out where we’re meeting after?” Following the ceremony, 8 in 10 parents are expected to start another argument by asking their graduated children why they didn’t get honors and all their friends did.
Yahoo Back On Top After Purchasing Millions Of 13-Year-Old Girls’ Blogs #~# SUNNYVALE, CA—Finally overcoming competition from the likes of Google, Microsoft, and AOL, internet corporation Yahoo firmly re-secured its place as an industry leader after Sunday’s purchase of millions of blogs written by 13-year-old girls. “While Yahoo has seen its share of struggles over the years, the company’s acquisition of over 100 million blogs written by middle-school females before bedtime has already majorly revitalized the company’s brand,” said BCG consultant Timothy Shore, praising the $1.1 billion purchase of web pages filled with complaints about parents, speculation about cute boys in school, and photos of Robert Pattinson. “Yahoo is looking to the future here, and tying the entire life of their company to a bunch of pubescent girl bloggers was the smart move.” Yahoo has projected that 13-year-old Melissa Wheeler’s blog, mellisasworld.tumlbr.com, would eventually pull in over $2.3 billion for the company.
Electrically Stimulating Brain May Improve Math Skills #~# According to a new study, individuals who struggle with mathematics saw a notable increase in their ability to learn and retain arithmetic concepts when a mild current was sent into their brains by a pair of electrodes. What do you think?
Expectant Mother Ashamed To Realize She’s Looking Forward To New Wheat Thins Flavor More Than Birth Of Own Child #~# SALEM, OR—According to sources, a local mother-to-be admitted with profound shame this week that she is considerably more excited for the release of the new lime-flavored Wheat Thins than she is for the birth of her own child. "While I'm still very much looking forward to being a mom, I must regretfully declare that the idea of eating lime-flavored Wheat Thins sounds not only more appealing to me but, quite frankly, more fulfilling in every way," the expectant mother told reporters, adding that she is fully aware that this statement makes her a complete and utter monster. "Look, I love Wheat Thins more than my unborn son, okay? There, I said it. You think I'm proud of myself? Believe me, I am not." At press time, the pregnant woman was imagining what it will feel like to finally cradle a box of lime-flavored Wheat Thins lovingly in her arms.
Everyone Forgets To Bring Swimsuits To Coworker’s Party #~# 'What Are The Odds?' Pasty, Flabby Colleagues Say
Obama's Second Term Mired In Scandal #~# President Obama’s second term is off to a rocky start, with the acting IRS chief stepping down, the Justice Department seizing journalists’ phone records, and Republicans continuing to allege a high-level cover-up of the Benghazi attack last September. What do you think?
Obama Fondly Recalls Frustration Of First Term #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that those were definitely some good times, a reflective President Obama told reporters Friday that the current scandals plaguing his administration have made him long for the deeply frustrating, often maddening political climate of his first term in office.
Nation Supposes It's Outraged By White House Scandals #~# 'I Guess It's Bad, Sure,' Populace Shrugs
Coworker Who Went To Gym This Morning A Chipper Little Fucker #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Running his hands through his freshly showered hair while hanging his backpack on the back of his chair, unbearably chipper little motherfucker Dave Mooreland, 31, enthusiastically greeted coworkers this morning after arriving straight from the gym, sources at Alperin and Associates marketing agency reported. “Hey guys, what’s going on?” said the upbeat little prick who woke up at 6:30 a.m. sharp, ate a full breakfast, and exercised for 90 minutes before jumping on the train and strolling into the office with enough time to brew a fresh pot of coffee. “Anyone got anything big on the agenda this weekend?” At press time, employees had reportedly cheered up after sales associate Todd Meier arrived visibly exhausted and hungover.
Sponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome #~# NEW YORK—Media consumers across the United States are reporting this week that sponsored content—articles and videos paid for by advertisers and distributed by print and digital publications—is easily the coolest fucking published material anyone could ever read or watch.
Cleveland Browns Gearing Up To Punt Ball Down Opponents’ Throats #~# CLEVELAND—Claiming they want to impose their will against the competition, Cleveland Browns head coach Rob Chudzinski announced Friday that the team is gearing up to aggressively punt the ball down opponents’ throats this season. “We just signed T.J. Conley, who is an electrifying power punter, so you’re going to see this team transitioning to more of a boot-it-up-the-gut style of football,” said Chudzinski, adding that the Browns planned to line up in the punting formation 25-30 times a game. “I hope we’ve found a dominant, explosive punter who can relentlessly pound the ball with his foot. I won’t be satisfied unless we’re punting wild over defenses.” Chudzinski told reporters that the Browns were not opposed to having two or three punters on the roster and punting by committee.
Call From Daycare Can't Be Good #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Speculating that the rest of her day will now definitely take a turn for the worse, local mother Nicole Mendlow confirmed Friday that an incoming call she is currently receiving from her 4-year-old son’s daycare center can’t possibly be good. “Well, this is going to be rough,” Mendlow said while staring at the nursery school’s phone number flashing across her iPhone screen. “It’s not like they call you in the middle of the day to say your child is doing great. Either he hit another kid, they can’t find him, or he’s hurt.” At press time, sources confirmed that, Christ, it was even worse than Mendlow thought.
Biggest Sports Collapses #~# With Sergio Garcia plummeting from first place to a seven-way tie for eighth at the Players Championship last weekend, Onion Sports examines some of the worst chokes in the history of athletic competition. 
Joint Chiefs Chairman Pretty Sure He Could Pull Off Junta If He Really Wanted To #~# WASHINGTON—While stressing that he has no plans to mount such an insurrection, Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Martin Dempsey told reporters Friday that if he really wanted to, he could probably carry out a sweeping military junta that would oust President Obama from power. “I’m just saying, there are seven joint chiefs, we all have extensive military training, and we spend a lot of time behind closed doors with the president,” said Gen. Dempsey, adding that the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that, if he had a mind to do such a thing, installing a military dictatorship “wouldn’t be all that difficult.” “There really are no insurmountable barriers to eliminating him, declaring martial law, and having tanks on the White House lawn by the end of the day. I can’t say that I’m interested in making myself the ruler of a 300-million-person police state, but it certainly would be easier to do than a lot of people think.” Dempsey went on to state that the nation’s various police forces and local militia movements would also “pose no significant threat.”
Skill Difference Between Top, Bottom High School Tennis Seeds Hilarious #~# PALATINE, IL—During a tennis tournament hosted by Fremd High School, spectators, coaches, and fellow competitors agreed Thursday that the massive gulf in skill levels between top-ranked Anthony Pagano and bottom-seeded Tyson Vandervennet was the most amusing thing they had ever seen on a tennis court. “Anthony is like a Greek god with a pretty good cross-court forehand, and the other squirt can’t even get the ball over the net,” said spectator Keith Horvath, stopping to laugh after a Pagano serve knocked the racket out of Vandervennet’s hand. “This is so priceless. Pagano must be at least 6’2” and is clearly going to be playing tennis in college. And then you have this smaller kid who is probably padding out his college applications and definitely does not want to be here. The look of terror on his face is so damn funny.” As of press time, Vandervennet’s mother Lydia was only making the entire thing more crushingly comical by shouting “good try, honey” after a powerful serve bounced off her son’s chest.
No I’m Not #~# FOX
Marijuana Smokers Skinnier #~# According to new research, pot smokers have smaller waist circumferences and have higher levels of “good” HDL cholesterol than those who do not use marijuana, even after controlling for other factors such as age, sex, and level of physical activity. What do you think?
The Onion Urges Barack Obama To Come Clean About The Basilisk Project #~# This week, President Barack Obama and his administration have come under fire from political opponents seeking an explanation for the White House’s alleged complicity in a series of widely publicized scandals. Inquiries regarding the administration’s role in a cover-up of the Benghazi attack, the Justice Department’s tapping of AP journalists’ phone lines, and the supposed malfeasance by the Internal Revenue Service are innumerable and have succeeded in hijacking the 24-hour news cycle.
Venezuela Running Out Of Toilet Paper #~# Government mismanagement has left toilet paper in short supply in Venezuela, causing long lines to form throughout the country to purchase the rapidly dwindling item, and prompting lawmakers to call for the immediate importation of 50 million rolls. What do you think?
David Beckham Announces He’s A Quitter #~# PARIS—Following a storied 21-year career, global soccer icon David Beckham officially announced Thursday that, at the age of 38, he is a giant quitter. “It has been an incredible honor to represent so many amazing clubs throughout my career, as well as my country over 100 times,” said the quitter, who just gave up and took the easy way out after an illustrious career playing for Manchester United, Real Madrid, the Los Angeles Galaxy, AC Milan, and Paris Saint-Germain. “After winning six Premier League titles, two FA Cups, and two MLS championships, I feel very proud to [quit].” In addition, Beckham revealed that he couldn’t hack it as a professional soccer player, confirming that the 38-year-old is a pitiful excuse for an athlete who finally showed his true colors today.
Obama Supporter Has Perfectly Improbable Explanation Absolving President From Blame For Scandals #~# CORTLAND, NY—Amid mounting scrutiny over scandals involving last September’s attack on the U.S. embassy in Benghazi, the IRS’ alleged targeting of conservative groups, and the Department of Justice’s spying on the Associated Press, Obama supporter Jake Maynard reportedly devised a perfectly implausible explanation Thursday that frees the president from any blame. “Look, he’s the President of the United States of America; how could he possibly be involved in or aware of every single high-level action taken by the prominent government agencies he oversees?” said Maynard, noticeably perspiring as he explained the completely illogical reason why the President of the United States will emerge from this week’s scandals unscathed. “Let’s watch this thing play out. I have no doubt that in a week, more than enough evidence will come out showing he had nothing to do with any of this. You’ll see.” Maynard, whose voice quavered several times during his asinine explanation, ended his perfectly invalid defense of the president by stressing that this was all politics and that “none of this would even be happening if the president were someone other than Obama.”
Report: World's Lone Non-Telepathic Individual Still Completely Unaware #~# NEW YORK—According to a report released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution, the lone non-telepathic individual living in the world today is still completely unaware that every other human being has the ability to mentally receive and channel thoughts.
Report: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Left Really Nice Thank-You Note To Boat Owner #~# BOSTON—Law enforcement officials confirmed today that before the police captured Boston bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the 19-year-old left a really nice thank-you note for the owner of the boat in which he had been hiding out that day. “To whom this may concern: Thank you very much for letting me use your boat. It was very nice to lie in,” Tsarnaev reportedly scribbled on the inside wall of the boat. “Anyway, I have to go get arrested now. But I just wanted to say thank you and that I apologize for causing you any trouble and for bleeding all over your boat.” According to sources, Tsarnaev signed the note “Yours, Dzhokhar,” and added a friendly postscript calling for the death of U.S. forces in Afghanistan and Iraq.
'One Week' #~# Patrons of Darrin’s Bar and Grill looked on in horror Friday as the Barenaked Ladies song “One Week” was brutally murdered by local band Wrong Turn.
Remembering 'The Office' #~# The hit NBC show The Office will air its series finale on Thursday. Here is a look back at some of the most unforgettable moments of the show’s nine-year run:
Google Launches Subscription Music Service #~# Google unveiled a new streaming music service Wednesday called Google Play Music All Access to compete against Spotify and Pandora, though it will notably not offer users a free option. What do you think?
Desperate Mom Okays Male Babysitter #~# HARTFORD, CT—Unable to secure the services of any of the young women who normally watch her 4-year-old son when she goes out for the evening, desperate local mother Rebecca Lowenstein confirmed Wednesday night that she had resorted to hiring a male babysitter. “Normally I wouldn’t do something like this, but I really need tonight off,” said Lowenstein, adding that while this was her first time hiring a male sitter, other people must surely do it all the time. “It’s not ideal, but this guy sounded polite enough on the phone, and I know he babysat for my friend Sheila once. Besides, my neighbor offered to stop by and check in on them later, so everything should be fine…right?” When it came time for her to go, Lowenstein was seen giving her son an unusually long hug, taking a deep breath, and then walking out the door.
House GOP Votes To Curb Obamacare For 37th Time #~# For the 37th time since they assumed control of the House of Representatives in 2011, Republican congressmen will hold a vote this week aimed at curtailing, defunding, or repealing the Affordable Care Act. What do you think?
Bangladesh Factory Owners Vow To Change Nothing So That This Happens Again #~# SAVAR, BANGLADESH—In the wake of a garment factory collapse last month that claimed the lives of more than 1,100 laborers, clothing factory owners throughout Bangladesh issued a joint statement Wednesday, pledging to spare every expense necessary to ensure that a tragedy like this definitely happens again. “This terrible loss of life has not opened our eyes to the conditions for workers throughout Bangladesh, and we promise to take the proper inaction so that we can guarantee all safety hazards are completely and fully ignored,” wrote Wal-Mart contractor Sujon Majumdar on behalf of over 2,000 plant owners, who vowed to stand idly by and do absolutely nothing within their power to prevent another catastrophe. “In our opinion, the workers of Bangladesh are our least important resource and deserve nothing more than unsafe and inhumane working conditions. Rest assured, this will happen again on our watch.” The statement from the owners concluded by urging readers to pledge to a relief fund to support the revenues that were tragically lost in the recent collapse.
Yankees Fans Turn On Mariano Rivera After Spat With Wildly Popular Joba Chamberlain #~# NEW YORK—Following the pair’s highly publicized confrontation before a game last week, New York Yankees closer Mariano Rivera reportedly felt the full wrath of fans Tuesday evening for crossing widely beloved Yankees icon Joba Chamberlain. “Nobody messes with Joba around here and gets away with it,” said 46-year-old lifelong fan Chris Ferland, one of thousands loudly booing Rivera during the team’s game against the Seattle Mariners before chants of “Joba” erupted around Yankee Stadium. “Joba Chamberlain is the heart and soul of the Yankees—when you think of the pinstripes, you think Chamberlain. That Rivera guy better learn his place and show some damn respect.” According to sources, the backlash, while fierce, still pales in comparison to fan outrage when shortstop Derek Jeter reportedly had a falling out with Yankees legend Alex Rodriguez in 2006.
Cormac McCarthy Flaunts Sexy New Beach Body #~# CABO SAN LUCAS—Acclaimed novelist Cormac McCarthy, 79, wowed Cabo beachgoers Wednesday after debuting his sizzling new summer physique in a light-blue Vilebrequin swimsuit that showed off at least 20 extra pounds of lean muscle. “I got into this routine where I was just hitting the gym every morning, writing some of my novel in the afternoon, and then hitting the gym again later that day, and it paid off,” the Pulitzer Prize–winning author of Blood Meridian told reporters as he massaged his washboard abs with deep tanning oil. “I didn’t go in for any of that carve-and-starve stuff, so I just upped my cardio, did two-a-days, and took an Isagenix whey protein shake every morning. Feels good to look good, you know?” At press time, the prose master was performing a surfside workout sequence of lunges and squat thrusts.
Report: No Way This Year's Summer Strawberries Living Up To Hype #~# WASHINGTON—In the midst of unprecedented buzz over the highly anticipated crop of summer strawberries, a report issued today by the U.S. Department of Agriculture indicated that there’s absolutely no way this year’s batch will come anywhere close to living up to all the hype. “For all the chatter that’s circulating around these summer strawberries—and there’s a lot—there’s just not a snowball’s chance in hell they end up meeting our wildly inflated expectations at this point,” said department spokesperson Marsha Rockwell, noting that people “must be fucking dreaming” if they’re actually buying into the rumors concerning the unparalleled sweetness, texture, and abundance of the fruit’s coming harvest. “Yeah, we’ve all heard about how these berries are totally going to knock our socks off, but you need to keep in mind we were saying the same thing leading up to the summer of ’07, and we all remember how that turned out. Hey, I know we all want another batch like we had in 1994, but trust me: It ain’t fucking happening. Not this year.” Rockwell added that if the U.S. populace doesn’t “get their heads out of the clouds and come back to reality,” the resulting letdown could be the biggest disappointment since the “total bullshit” crop of asparagus that absolutely ruined the spring of 2003.
Steven Spielberg Claims He Dislikes Black Actors To Get Out Of Cannes Jury Duty #~# CANNES, FRANCE—In a brazen attempt to avoid serving jury duty and missing work days, film director and head festival juror Steven Spielberg told the organizing committee of the 2013 Cannes Film Festival that he strongly dislikes black actors. “I feel compelled to report to you that I have a personal bias against black actors and actresses that would necessarily impair my ability to carry out judicial responsibilities at the Cannes International Film Festival with integrity, impartiality, and competence,” Spielberg reportedly told Cannes officials, adding that he has always held these views and that he would therefore be a “poor choice” to judge films fairly over the next 12 days. “Since I do not wish my strong opinions on race to sway, obstruct, or in any way influence the jury’s final verdict, I recommend that you replace me with an alternate, such as acclaimed director and producer Ron Howard, for instance.” At press time, sources confirmed that skeptical officials had denied Spielberg’s motion for recusal and the director had sullenly accepted his $40 daily stipend.
25-Year-Old Woman's Biggest Dream Still Being Popular High School Student #~# 

BRISTOL, CT—Approaching the second half of her twenties with a college degree, a full-time job, and a wide circle of friends, local woman Amanda Lasky’s main goal in life still remains being a popular high school student, sources close to the 25-year-old confirmed.
Jesse Faws #~# Jesse Faws, 28, died Tuesday in a dream about a plane crash while asleep on a plane that crashed.
Bitter Feud Developing Between Joakim Noah, Rest Of Humanity #~# MIAMI—As the Chicago Bulls prepare to face the Miami Heat in what is a must-win playoff elimination game for Chicago, sources around the world confirmed Wednesday that a bitter feud is rapidly building up between Bulls center Joakim Noah and the rest of the human race.
SeaWorld To Discontinue Great White Shark Ride #~# ORLANDO, FL—Citing flagging popularity and recurrent technical problems over the attraction’s 10-year run, SeaWorld Orlando announced that it will permanently shutter its great white shark ride, officials for the theme park announced Tuesday. “Due to a number of difficulties related to maintenance costs and a mixed customer response, we have decided to shut down our great white shark ride indefinitely,” SeaWorld spokesman Robert Hawes said of the long-running attraction, which allows adults and children to touch, swim with, and ride atop 7,000-pound great white sharks in a large tank. “We had hoped that visitors of all ages would be thrilled at the chance to fall in love with these magnificent predators up close, but, regrettably, this did not prove to be the case.” Officials added that at no time during the ride were any great white sharks hurt or endangered, and that in fact they were the happiest and healthiest of all the park’s animals.
Friend Who Sent Link To 8-Minute YouTube Video Must Be Fucking Delusional #~# SALEM, OR—Sources confirmed that local man Paul Gallagher emailed friends a link to an eight-minute-long YouTube video Wednesday, evidently experiencing some kind of psychotic break that left him deluded enough to believe people would want to watch the whole goddamned thing. “Is he out of his fucking mind?” link recipient Stephen Dunstable said after reading the email’s instruction to “be sure to watch all the way to the end.” “Because he’d have to be clinically insane to think anyone would sit through a video that long. Three or four minutes would be crazy enough—but eight? And the asshole doesn’t even tell us what point we should cue it up to if we just want to watch the best part. I honestly don’t know what planet this guy is living on.” Later on, while procrastinating at work, Dunstable reportedly watched the video in its entirety and admitted it was “actually kind of good.”
Good Morning America Canada #~# CBC
Minnesota Legalizes Gay Marriage #~# Following Rhode Island and Delaware, which approved same-sex unions earlier this month, Minnesota became the 12th state in the nation to legalize gay marriage Tuesday. What do you think?
Eliminated Canucks Excited To Spend Time With Ice Families #~# VANCOUVER—Though disappointed to exit the Stanley Cup playoffs in the first round, Vancouver Canucks players and coaches told reporters on Monday that they looked forward to spending quality time with their ice families this offseason. “It’s time for us to put this season behind us and return home to be with our ice loved ones,” said Canucks goaltender Roberto Luongo, who mentioned that it had been months since he’d kissed his ice baby or taken his ice daughter out to a glacier. “No one likes losing, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited to catch up with my ice mom and my ice dad. They’ve been away in the freezer so long.” Luongo told reporters that he also had been craving a frosty slice of his ice mom’s triple icicle cake.
IRS Targeted Conservative Groups For Scrutiny #~# The IRS is said to have targeted conservative and Tea Party–affiliated groups for tax scrutiny, seeking out organizations that focused on the national debt and those that aimed to influence citizens regarding “how to make America a better place to live.” What do you think?
Victorious Tiger Woods: 'I Hit The Ball Well, My Life Is A Dark And Twisted Struggle, And I Made Some Good Putts' #~# PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—During the trophy presentation at this year’s Players Championship, tournament winner Tiger Woods told the assembled crowd that he struck the ball well the entire week, that since his public meltdown four years ago his life has been a debilitating morass of personal and professional struggles that often leaves him emotionally crippled, and that he made some very good putts.
Sasha Obama Suspicious After Doing A Little Digging Around On Benghazi #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that none of the facts quite add up, first daughter Sasha Obama, 11, reported being “highly suspicious” today after poking around the details of the 2012 Benghazi attack. “I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t make sense—first they blame the attack on a spontaneous demonstration, but now we find out the CIA talking points were secretly revised?” said the sixth-grader, sitting in the darkened White House library intensely scrolling through pages of articles about the controversy and classified Pentagon briefings. “Obviously, someone’s hiding something: the poor security; the al-Qaeda link; the leaked emails. All I’m asking for here is a simple explanation from the State Department and the White House, and I’m not getting one. I mean, who are they protecting here? And why?” Sasha went on to tell reporters she felt even more suspicious after former defense secretary Leon Panetta failed to respond to any of her 24 voicemails.
I'd Say My Least Favorite Part About Being A Restroom Attendant Is Spending 8 Hours A Day In A Room Where People Defecate #~# You know, for the most part, being a restroom attendant is a pretty sweet gig. The hours are reasonable, the pay is decent, and I don’t have some boss standing over my shoulder telling me what to do all the time. But if I had to think of one drawback, I’d probably say my least favorite part about this job is the fact that I spend eight hours out of the day in a room where people shit in a toilet.
Sight Of O.J. Simpson Actually Kind Of Comforting #~# LAS VEGAS—As O.J. Simpson returns to court to seek a retrial on his 2008 robbery and kidnapping convictions, sources across the country told reporters today that the sight of the former football star is actually somewhat comforting at this point. “I can’t explain it, but after everything we’ve been through since the mid-’90s, seeing O.J. Simpson back in the courtroom is sort of nice—like, I actually found myself thinking, Oh, yeah, I miss that guy,” said local woman Linda Pasternack, 45, who, like the rest of the nation, expressed a profound sense of nostalgia for the notorious Simpson murder trial, which occurred many years prior to the September 11 attacks, the Iraq and Afghanistan invasions, the collapse of the global economy, and dozens of deadly mass shootings. “Sure, he may be a murderer, but those were good times back then, you know? Clinton was in the White House, gas was $1.35/gallon, and the biggest thing in the world to worry about was whether some football player had killed his wife and her friend. And remember the Bronco chase? Christ, that’s an actual cherished memory of mine at this point.” At press time, sources nationwide issued an announcement to Simpson saying any time he wants to show up in the news again is “just fine” by them.
Dude With Knit Hat At Party Calls Beer ‘Libations’ #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Sources attending a house party on Governor Street confirmed that the dude with the knit hat has been referring to the supply of beer as “libations” throughout the night. “The night is young, my friends—enough libations for everyone,” said the guy whose sideburns poked out from beneath the wool cap and whose name may have been Jordan or Jay—or possibly Kyle—before raising his red plastic cup to eye level, nodding his head slightly, and urging the assembled partygoers to “imbibe.” “We’ve got some fine spirits in the kitchen, too, if anyone’s interested.” The dude, who also wore tight brown corduroy pants, then reportedly circulated among the partygoers, describing his recent “unreal” trip to Colorado.
Adidas Unveils New Running Shoe For Fleeing From Mass Shootings #~# NEW YORK—With the launch Tuesday of a massive nationwide ad campaign, athletic footwear manufacturer Adidas has officially unveiled the Adidas Bystander, the first shoe designed for running away from a mass public shooting. “From its reinforced tread engineered specifically for running in a zigzag pattern to its whisper-quiet, low-squeak rubber, the Bystander combines speed and stealth to create the perfect shoe for escaping or hiding from an armed murderer,” Adidas CEO Herbert Hainer said at a press conference. “And its brand-new Firmo-Grip sole minimizes slippage, even when you’re panicked and need to move quickly through puddles of freshly spilled blood. No shoe has ever been better suited for today’s running, crouching, and cowering needs.” The shoes, which go on sale at the end of the month, will be available for wearers as young as 5.
Clean-Shaven, Tuxedoed James Holmes Charms Courtroom In Latest Appearance #~# CENTENNIAL, CO—A newly clean-shaven and tuxedo-wearing James Holmes reportedly charmed and utterly beguiled the entire courtroom during an appearance today at his murder trial. “Why, hello, hello—I hope I didn’t keep you all waiting,” the dapper man accused of gunning down 12 people in an Aurora movie theater said after strolling through the gallery, casually leaning up against the jury box, and giving a wink to Judge Carlos A. Samour, to the visible delight of the assembled attorneys and judicial staff. “So, where did we leave off last? Ah, yes, of course. My plea. That old thing.” At press time, a rapt courtroom watched with great amusement as Holmes spoke eloquently and at length about the idiosyncrasies of the fairer sex, Morocco in spring, and the sublime pleasure of a good glass of brandy.
This Has To Be Year Local Miniature Golf Course Finally Goes Out Of Business #~# WHITEHALL, NY—Claiming that the dilapidated, sun-bleached recreational facility had been on its last legs for years, local residents told reporters Monday that this has to be the summer that the Putt King miniature golf course on Route 22 finally closes its doors.
Bridezillas #~# WE
2 Meteorites Hit Connecticut #~# Less than three weeks after a small meteorite struck a house in the Connecticut town of Wolcott, a second meteorite was found to have hit a home less than a mile away in the town of Waterbury, with scientists suggesting the two may have fallen in the same event. What do you think?
Animal Facing Extinction In 2003 Fucks Its Way Back #~# CAMBRIDGE, UNITED KINGDOM—Saying that the species knew it had to start fucking and start fucking fast, officials from the International Union for Conservation of Nature announced Monday that loggerhead turtles—marine reptiles considered critically endangered in 2003—have successfully fucked their way back from the brink of extinction.
Doctors: Cancer Patients Who Watched The Onion’s Amazon Pilot Daily Showed Signs Of Remission #~# WASHINGTON—According to dramatic new findings announced by the American Medical Association Monday, thousands of patients at cancer treatment facilities across the United States displayed signs of full remission after repeatedly viewing The Onion’s new Amazon television pilot over a period of several days. “Every form of cancer we studied, including inoperable Stage IV brain, lung, and pancreatic cancers, began decreasing in severity and extent as soon as patients began streaming Onion News Empire on Amazon,” said renowned oncologist Arthur Maxwell, noting that patients returned to their pre-disease levels of energy, alertness, and appetite within moments of viewing the show’s opening credits. “After a week of daily viewings, all tumors and lesions had disappeared completely, and 100 percent of patients were discharged from the hospital with clean bills of health. Simply put, Onion News Empire appears to be even more potent and effective than our most intensive chemotherapy and targeted radiation treatments without a single side effect—that is, if you don’t count being thoroughly entertained as a side effect.” Maxwell confirmed, however, that viewing Onion News Empire without filling out the accompanying online user review caused irreversible spinal meningitis among all patients.
Barbara Walters Announces Retirement #~# Barbara Walters, who broke gender barriers by becoming the first woman to anchor a national nightly newscast, announced that she will retire from broadcasting in 2014 after more than 50 years on television. What do you think?
Nation Checks Out CNN.com To See What Their Old Pals The Tsarnaevs And Castros Are Up To #~# WASHINGTON—Americans nationwide turned to the news website CNN.com today to see what was kicking with their old buddies Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev and alleged rapist and kidnapper Ariel Castro and his brothers. “Okay, time to check up on my little pals the Tsaernevs and Castros, find out what’s new with those kooks,” said Denver resident Danielle Lebow, 43, as she typed “CNN.com” into a web browser and pressed enter. “Who knows, maybe I’ll pop by a story on James Holmes, too, see that how that guy’s doing these days. Gotta know how all of my little friends are holding up.” At press time, citizens had reportedly migrated to HuffingtonPost.com to look in on their friend Benghazi to see what “the big guy” was up to.
Study Finds College Education Leaves Majority Of Graduates Unprepared To Carry Entire American Economic Recovery #~# NEW YORK—According to a new study published Wednesday in The American Educational Research Journal, an overwhelming majority of recent college graduates are completely unprepared to carry the full weight of the U.S. economic recovery.
Sight Of Coworkers' Stupid Fucking Faces Endured Yet Again #~# WASHINGTON—After a brief two-day reprieve from looking at them day in and day out, Americans across the nation were yet again forced to endure the sight of their coworkers’ stupid fucking faces as they entered the office Monday morning. “Yup, there they are—sitting there again with those big dumbfuck looks on their big dumbfuck faces,” said local claims adjuster Martin Barker, echoing the thoughts of millions of people who don’t particularly dislike their coworkers, per se, but really want to punch each one of them square in their fucking noses every single time they see them. “And now I suppose I’ll have to hear them open their annoying fuckface mouths and talk, talk, talk like a bunch of annoying fuckfaces while I try to get through the rest of my seemingly endless shitshow of a day. Fucking Christ.” At press time, millions of people across the nation were “really looking forward” to going home and having to look at their family members’ idiotic goddamned faces again too.
Intact Benetton Shirt Miraculously Pulled From Bangladesh Rubble Weeks Later #~# DHAKA, BANGLADESH—Nearly three weeks after the tragic collapse of a factory building in Bangladesh, overjoyed representatives for the clothing company United Colors of Benetton announced Monday they had miraculously managed to pull a fully intact shirt from the wreckage. “We are thrilled and relieved to report the rescue of a men’s medium fuchsia short-sleeved shirt from the rubble of the Rana Plaza building,” a beaming Benetton spokesman said of the article of clothing from the company’s 2013 summer collection, which authorities believe survived the collapse of the eight-story building wedged in the spaces between two large cinder blocks. “We’re happy to report that, aside from a few smudges, the shirt is in excellent condition and only needs a slight washing before it can be shipped to retailers. We want to thank the brave rescue workers in Dhaka for never giving up hope of finding this precious shirt.” At press time, Benetton reported that the garment had been restored to its factory condition and would retail for $59.40.
Michelle Obama Shutters 'Let's Move!' Program After Failed 3-Year Run #~# WASHINGTON—Citing a “widespread disinterest bordering on contempt” for the program’s most basic aims, Michelle Obama announced Monday she was shutting down “Let’s Move!,” the initiative she created in 2010 to fight childhood obesity. “Though I had hoped ‘Let’s Move!’ would promote healthier habits among America’s children, it turns out our young people simply aren’t interested in moving—at all,” the first lady told reporters. “Seriously, not even a little. When I visit these schools and talk about exercise, most of the kids look back at me with blank stares. And the ones who do attempt to exercise clearly do not like it and stop almost immediately.” Obama added that she expects to achieve far more success with her forthcoming “Fine, Let’s Just Sit Here Stuffing Our Faces Until We Drop Dead!” campaign.
High School Breathes Sigh Of Relief As Difficult Teacher Ages Out Of Education System #~# CLEVELAND—Faculty and staff at Baxter High expressed a profound sense of relief Monday upon learning that the school’s most infamous troublemaker, 65-year-old geology teacher Sharon Fisher, had finally reached retirement age and exited the education system. “We’re not supposed to say this kind of thing, but she was truly awful,” said principal Dayna Carrier, who noted that in addition to her behavior problems, Fisher had performed poorly in every one of her classes since arriving at the school in 1983. “She never paid attention, had one of the worst attitudes I’ve ever encountered, and was a constant disruption in the classroom. Now, thankfully, she’ll be someone else’s problem.” Faculty members were reportedly disappointed to learn that Fisher’s replacement would be Ernest Hughes, 31, another reputed “problem teacher” who has been in and out of several schools already.
Man Straight-Up Demands To Know How Many Siblings Coworker Has #~# HARTFORD, CT—Following months of hesitantly tiptoeing around the matter, sources confirmed that local claims adjuster Jeff Sterling today finally “cut the shit” and demanded to know just how many siblings his coworker David Mobley has. “All right, we’re doing this now—you will tell me,” Sterling said after cornering Mobley in the breakroom and demanding to know the number, approximate age, and gender of Mobley’s as-yet-undefined brothers and sisters, emphasizing that “[he was] through fucking around.” “Just give it to me straight and we’ll be done with this. How many siblings do you have? Tell me. Now. Go.” Mobley responded that he has an older sister, two younger brothers, and an older half-brother from his father’s first marriage.
What Do My Neighbors Do At Night? #~# ABC
Dog Owners Have Healthier Hearts #~# The American Heart Association officially announced that people who owned pets, particularly dogs, appeared to have a reduced risk of heart disease and had better survival rates than those without pets. What do you think?
Breakfast In Bed Served To Mom Who Just Got Eaten Out #~# PEORIA, IL—While celebrating Mother’s Day today, local woman and mother of two Ellen Taylor, 38, was reportedly served breakfast in bed by her children mere minutes after being voraciously eaten out by her husband. “Ooh, what a treat!” said Taylor while receiving a tray of scrambled eggs, pancakes, and orange juice, sitting up on the same damp sheets upon which she had moments earlier moaned in pleasure as her husband’s firm tongue rapidly contorted in and around her slick vagina. “Strawberry pancakes! My favorite!” Upon finishing her Mother’s Day breakfast, Taylor reportedly urged her children to go downstairs and “let Mommy sleep a little longer.”
New to the market! #~# Lovely two-bedroom, one-bath condo, carefully renovated to retain the intoxicating scent of previous tenant Lisa. Reference #6672138
Jason Collins Just Might Be Frontcourt Presence Team Trying To Boost Media Coverage Needs #~# WASHINGTON—NBA analyst Bruce Bowen reportedly suggested Friday that openly gay free agent center Jason Collins just might be the perfect frontcourt presence for a team needing to instantly boost media coverage. “Jason Collins is a savvy, veteran center who can immediately contribute to increasing a team’s public visibility,” said Bowen, adding that the 34-year-old homosexual basketball player really shines in the middle of press conferences. “Collins would be a great pickup for teams like the Milwaukee Bucks or Sacramento Kings that are lacking a big man who can dominate in the postgame interview.” Bowen acknowledged that signing Collins would be potentially risky, claiming that the move would significantly hurt any team’s depth at center.
Jason Collins Might Be Just The Frontcourt Presence Team Trying To Boost Media Coverage Needs #~# WASHINGTON—NBA analyst Bruce Bowen reportedly suggested Friday that openly gay free agent center Jason Collins just might be the perfect frontcourt presence for a team needing to instantly boost media coverage. “Jason Collins is a savvy, veteran center who can immediately contribute to increasing a team’s public visibility,” said Bowen, adding that the 34-year-old homosexual basketball player really shines in the middle of press conferences. “Collins would be a great pickup for teams like the Milwaukee Bucks or Sacramento Kings that are lacking a big man who can dominate in the postgame interview.” Bowen acknowledged that signing Collins would be potentially risky, claiming that the move would significantly hurt any team’s depth at center.
Man Does Good Job Getting Drunk #~# ETNA, PA—Moments after watching him finish his fifth alcoholic beverage at the Crow’s Nest Bar and Grill Thursday night, sources reported local man Chris Serna, 32, had completed the task of getting drunk with a high degree of efficiency and skill. “Mr. Serna has a clear goal, which is getting drunk, and as of now he is doing an exceptionally good job of achieving that goal,” Crow’s Nest bartender Gavin Morey, 40, said of Serna’s focused, driven consumption of draft beers, which he reportedly ordered and dispatched with both alacrity and precision in the space of 90 minutes. “He understands the process of becoming inebriated, and he executes that process with a great deal of proficiency. I would rate his getting-drunk capabilities very highly, and in fact among the stronger efforts I’ve seen tonight.” At press time, Serna was reportedly doing an expert job of programming AC/DC’s “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” five times in a row on the bar’s jukebox.
Florida Restaurant Discontinues Lion-Meat Tacos #~# After coming under fire by animal rights activists and receiving numerous threats, the Tampa, FL restaurant Taco Fusion decided to discontinue its $35 taco made with meat from a lion. What do you think?
The 'Great Gatsby' Movie Was Nowhere Near As Good As The Book 'The Hit' By David Baldacci #~# I was so pumped for the new Great Gatsby movie. It looked awesome, and I went into it with high hopes. The fact that it was in 3D seemed cool, and I’m a big fan of Baz Luhrmann’s films—but man, the movie just didn’t even come close to being as amazing as the book The Hit by David Baldacci.
Font Too Small #~# WASHINGTON—Sources across the nation confirmed today that the font in this article is too small. Reports said the font, a 4-point Helvetica, is far too miniscule to be easily read by anyone and is, moreover, not the standard font size used in other articles on this website. Additional sources indicated that while this font is certainly more legible, it is ultimately far too big but would, nevertheless, probably be preferred to a font this small, or even a font that is just slightly bigger, like this. At press time, sources were also confirming that under no circumstances is a red font such as this acceptable.
LeBron James' Career Highlights So Far #~# With LeBron James winning his fourth MVP award, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the superstar’s career up to this point.
29-Year-Old Has Been Going To Different Friend's Wedding Every Weekend For Past 3 Years #~# STAMFORD, CT—Speaking with reporters Friday after picking up his suit from the dry cleaners, 29-year-old Jeremy Wallace confirmed that he has spent every weekend for the past three years attending a different friend’s wedding. “There was Amy’s wedding last week, Tara’s the week before, and Eric’s before that, and I’m just about to head out to my friend Sam’s rehearsal dinner tonight,” said the man who has for each of the past 156 weekends packed a bag and traveled to friends’ weddings all across the country and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. “I was thinking about skipping Josh’s in July because it’s a five-hour trek up to Vermont, but we were pretty good friends in college. Plus, if I missed his wedding, it would be weird when I see him at Devin’s and Luke’s weddings later that month.” Wallace said he was looking forward to an upcoming wedding-free weekend in early October during which time he’s scheduled to attend three separate bachelor parties.
Black Voting Rate Surpassed White Voting Rate In 2012 #~# According to Census Bureau data, 66.2 percent of eligible African-American voters turned out to cast a ballot in the 2012 election, compared to 64.1 percent of eligible Caucasian voters, the first time on record that blacks have surpassed whites in voter turnout rate. What do you think?
'Forbes' Names Tim Tebow World’s Most Influential Former Athlete #~# NEW YORK—Forbes magazine named recently cut New York Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow as the world’s most influential former athlete Thursday, stating that the 25-year-old holds more sway than anyone else who used to play sports. “In the world of professional sports played before April 2013, Tim Tebow is king,” said Forbes sportswriter Tom Van Riper, adding that the ex-NFL player was still tremendously popular and held a position of stature among athletes who have concluded their careers. “We asked Americans which washed-up former backup athlete they believe wields the most clout, and most didn’t even hesitate as they said Tim Tebow.” Forbes sources confirmed that Tebow narrowly beat out fellow former athlete Derek Jeter for the list’s top spot.
FAA Report: Spirit Airlines Is The Fucking Worst #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Tuesday by the Federal Aviation Administration, Spirit Airlines, the American low-cost air carrier, is the absolute fucking worst and is actually a giant fucking rip-off.
Mentally Unstable Man To Exhibit 1 Or 2 More Warning Signs Before Finally Doing This #~# WHIPPANY, NJ—Local mentally ill man Michael Redding, 26, announced his intention Thursday to display one or two further instances of troubling behavior before finally going ahead and carrying out what he has planned. “I’ll do a couple more clearly disconcerting things in public locations in front of people who know who I am, then that’s it—I’m going through with it,” said the severely unstable man, noting that his increasingly erratic and worrisome conduct over the past few months has so far been ignored or gone unnoticed by his family, colleagues, and therapist. “Maybe I’ll blow up and scream at an acquaintance for no reason, or I might just become totally unresponsive and withdrawn—who knows? All I can say is that I’ll throw up about two more red flags and then it will be time.” At press time, Redding reportedly finished publishing a set of disturbing thoughts on social media and verbally threatened a coworker, and is now ready to act on his plan.
78,000 Apply For One-Way Trip To Mars #~# The Dutch nonprofit Mars One, which hopes to send a small group of humans on a one-way mission to establish a colony on the surface of Mars in 2022, has received applications from 78,000 people who are willing to leave Earth and never come back. What do you think?
LeBron James Unable To Enjoy MVP Knowing Boston Globe’s Gary Washburn Didn’t Vote For Him #~# MIAMI—After receiving 120 of 121 first-place votes from NBA media members, Miami Heat star LeBron James admitted to reporters Thursday that he can’t enjoy his fourth league Most Valuable Player award with the knowledge that Boston Globe writer Gary Washburn didn’t cast his ballot for him. “Sure, it’s nice to be in the same company as other four-time MVP winners Bill Russell, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Wilt Chamberlain, and Michael Jordan, but knowing Gary Washburn didn’t think I deserved this makes it just seem worthless,” said James, stressing that Washburn, who voted for New York Knicks small forward Carmelo Anthony, is the only journalist whose opinion truly matters within NBA circles. “Yeah, I led my team to a league-best 66-16 record, a 27-game win streak, and averaged over 26 points and 7 assists per game, but honestly, who cares? We all know Gary’s vote is what counts, so I just can’t help but think Carmelo deserves this honor more than I do.” In light of Washburn’s vote, Heat president Pat Riley is reportedly strongly considering trading James after this season.
Woman Sets Google Alert For Kevin Costner #~# 'It'll Just Be Easier This Way'
Obama Speechwriters Unsure How They’d Praise Fort Lauderdale In Event Of Tragedy #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that nothing about the city really evokes the strong sense of pride and endurance that typically serves as a source of strength in a time of need, members of President Barack Obama’s speech writing team admitted Thursday they were “pretty much at a loss” for how they would go about praising Ft. Lauderdale, FL should a tragedy strike the city.
Everyone On Flight Annoyed By Screaming Kid Rock #~# LOS ANGELES—Passengers on flight 657 from Detroit to Los Angeles confirmed Wednesday that the trip was repeatedly disrupted by the noisy and obnoxious behavior of an annoying Kid Rock seated in the fifth row. “As soon as I saw that damn Kid Rock get on the plane, I knew it was going to be one of those awful flights,” said business traveler Alvin Gorman, who complained about the immature behavior and ear-splitting screams of the unruly Kid Rock. “I wish someone would shut that Kid Rock up. For almost an hour, that fucking Kid Rock was kicking the back of my seat or running up and down the aisle yelling like an idiot.” Several passengers told reporters that the last 20 minutes of the flight were relatively peaceful when the hyperactive Kid Rock began to calm down after he was given a bottle.
Billions Of Cicadas Begin Swarming East Coast #~# After 17 years underground, as many as one trillion so-called Brood II cicadas are beginning to emerge along the East Coast for their brief two- to four-week adulthood, during which time they will sing, feed, mate, and lay eggs. What do you think?
Men Are The Best #~# As a group of relatively young women, we don’t pretend to know everything. After all, there’s a lot in life we have yet to learn and see. But based on our experiences over the last 10 years—being kidnapped and locked up against our will by a group of three men who didn’t think twice before physically and emotionally destroying us—the one thing we do know, in fact the only thing we can say with absolute, 100 percent certainty, is that men really are the best.
Joakim Noah Guarantees He'll Annoy Living Fuck Out Of Heat #~# MIAMI—Following the Bulls upset of the Heat in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference semifinals, Chicago center Joakim Noah boldly guaranteed Monday that he will annoy the living fuck out of Miami in this series. “Mark my words, no one on the Heat can stop me from getting in their faces and irritating them every fucking second,” said Noah, looking straight into one of the cameras and emphatically promising to single-handedly start shit with “every one of those assholes on the Heat.” “I guarantee that I’ll trash-talk after making easy layups, scream after every rebound, and howl like a fucking lunatic while driving to the hoop.” Noah, who was asked whether his words might motivate the Heat, said that the media overhyping player predictions was pretty fucking annoying, which proved that he was off to a good start.
Uncooperative Seller! #~# Three bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, two-car garage, and one seller who will change their mind at least four times during the sale process and will likely dispute the transaction if it ever goes through. Reference #8039417
SC Voters Forgive Sanford For ‘Appalachian Trail’ Affair #~# Four years after famously lying to his staff and constituents that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, when in actuality he was visiting his secret Argentine lover, former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won a special congressional election yesterday. What do you think?
Jenny Sanford: 'I'm Loving These Lax Gun Purchasing Laws' #~# SULLIVAN’S ISLAND, SC—Hours after former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won back his old congressional seat Tuesday, the philandering politician’s ex-wife, Jenny Sanford, told reporters that she couldn’t express enough support for the state’s lenient gun purchasing laws. “It’s just really great to know that in South Carolina, as long as you have a state ID and as little as $50, you can have a loaded, lethal weapon in your hand, cocked and ready to go in minutes,” said the state’s former first lady, whose highly publicized divorce from her husband—who is now engaged to the mistress he secretly visited in 2009 with the use of misappropriated state funds—was finalized in March 2010. “There are no concealment laws, and I don’t even have to worry about getting the gun registered. Perfect.” Reporters say Sanford abruptly concluded the interview, saying, “Well, I have to go now.”
Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing #~# PURCHASE, NY—Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo announced Thursday the launch of its new Mountain Dew CinnaBlast beverage. “CinnaBlast absolutely tested through the roof!” said vice president of marketing Brad Sheets, unaware the enthusiasm expressed by the ill-intentioned group of consumer taste-testers was wholly and deliberately misleading. “They were saying, ‘This is delicious—keep the cinnamon coming!’ And that’s exactly what we did. They also had some great ideas we may try out in the future, like adding nutmeg, putting some cloves in there, or encouraging people to drink it hot.” Reached for comment, members of the spiteful focus group admitted they had almost recommended PepsiCo use a jingle built around Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5,” but ultimately decided that would be going too far.
Woody Allen Extremely Busy Updating WoodyAllen.com #~# NEW YORK—Stressing that “continuously adapting to new technology is a must,” famed writer, actor, and director Woody Allen confirmed Thursday that he remains incredibly preoccupied with maintaining and updating his personal website, WoodyAllen.com.
How Am I Supposed To Get Off When News Networks Only Show Obese People From The Neck Down? #~# It never fails. Every time I turn on the television and there’s a news segment about obesity—whether it’s on diabetes, heart disease, or the American diet—they do the same thing. They roll footage of obese bodies, but they never show these people above the neck. All of which leads me to wonder: How in the hell am I supposed to ever get off if I can’t see the fat faces of the people those fat bodies belong to?
EPA Warns Americans Not To Breathe #~# WASHINGTON—In an urgent message broadcast on every U.S. television network, Environmental Protection Agency officials announced Wednesday that Americans should avoid breathing at all costs. “Effective immediately, we are strongly advising all members of the U.S. populace to cease normal respiratory activity,” said acting EPA administrator Bob Perciasepe during an impromptu press conference held in the agency’s underground bunker. “If you absolutely must inhale, do so at once and really make it count. As a general rule, contact with the earth’s atmosphere is strongly discouraged.” At press time, Perciasepe reminded Americans to prevent injuries by lying down before entering a state of unconsciousness.
Everyone Who Started Watching 'Mad Money' In 2005 Now Billionaires #~# NEW YORK—According to a report released this week by Forbes magazine, every person who has regularly watched CNBC’s financial program Mad Money since its 2005 premiere is now a multibillionaire. “[Host] Jim Cramer turned out to be 100 percent accurate with every stock he said to buy, sell, or hold; I started out by investing $600, and now I have a net worth of $4.1 billion,” said former dishwasher Paul Welling from the plush 100-seat TV room aboard his custom luxury yacht. “All I had to do was follow Jim’s investment instructions and then sit back as the millions upon millions rolled in every day for the past eight years. And actually, I myself watched no more than three times weekly, and today I own a media conglomerate.” The findings reportedly came as welcome news for the cable channel following recent reports that over half the regular viewers of the morning show Squawk Box had died of exposure after winding up penniless and destitute on the street.
Parents Urged To Suck Infants' Pacifiers To Prevent Allergies #~# A study found that parents could help prevent allergies in their infants by sucking on their children’s pacifiers before returning them to the kids, thereby introducing them to a variety of oral bacteria and aiding their immune system development. What do you think?
Man Creates Functional Gun On 3D Printer #~# Cody Wilson, founder of the libertarian nonprofit Defense Distributed, has created a functional plastic gun on a 3D printer that uses standard handgun rounds, demonstrating that anyone with such technology can make their own largely undetectable and untraceable firearm. What do you think?
Chris Kluwe Pens Impassioned Editorial On Challenges Facing Cut NFL Punters #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Following his release from the Minnesota Vikings earlier this week, punter Chris Kluwe reportedly responded Tuesday by composing a fiery editorial in which he laid out the numerous challenges facing cut NFL punters. “Speaking as a punter who has recently been released by the Vikings, I can tell you that discrimination against our kind is alive and well in this fickle league, and we need to put a stop to it right fucking now,” an article written by Kluwe read in part, noting that such rejected special teams personnel routinely face discrimination from football organizations that won’t allow them into the locker room, don’t invite them to practices, and refuse to sign them to contract extensions. “Why should a cut punter be treated any differently than those players who are actually employed by a football team? Just because these athletes have been told that their services are no longer needed doesn’t make them any less valuable to the squad than a starting QB. They—and I—deserve a shot at greatness.” At press time, members of the Vikings roster confirmed that they felt terrible about never meeting Chris Kluwe before he was cut.
17-Year Cicadas Horrified To Learn About 9/11 #~# NEW YORK—Following their synchronized emergence this week after gestating underground since 1996, a colossal swarm of 17-year cicadas were horrified today to learn about the events of September 11, 2001. “Holy shit, are you serious?” said one member of the East Coast brood of winged insects, expressing its continued shock and horror about the coordinated terrorist attacks that claimed the lives of 3,000 people. “They just flew the planes right into the fucking buildings? Man, oh, man. People must have just been completely freaking out. Christ, I know I would have been.” At press time, the 17-year cicadas were beginning to express serious doubts about how two structures supported by reinforced concrete and steel beams could just collapse like that.
Heartbroken Chris Brown Always Thought Rihanna Was Woman He’d Beat To Death #~# LOS ANGELES—After revealing yesterday that he had recently split up with longtime girlfriend Rihanna, a heartbroken Chris Brown tearfully told reporters that he always thought the 25-year-old singer was going to be the woman he’d beat to death one day. “Despite all the ups and downs, I was so sure Rihanna was the one I’d take by the throat one day and fatally assault, and even toward the end I continued to hold out hope that we’d be together until the day she died at my hands from blunt-force trauma,” Brown, 24, said in a radio interview this week, telling DJs he still has abusive feelings for his ex-flame and is hopeful that he might punch her again one day. “It’s hard knowing that there’s some other guy out there who gets to beat her senseless. In fact, for all I know, there might be someone out there assaulting her right now. And let me tell you, that guy is the luckiest guy in the world.” A saddened Brown added that, should the couple not reconcile, he remains confident that the special someone he was meant to beat to death is still out there for him, and when he finds her, he’ll waste no time in slapping her around.
Lindsay Lohan's Rehab Stint Off To Great Start—And She’s Gone #~# RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Just a few days after beginning her court-ordered rehabilitation at the Betty Ford Center, sources close to Lindsay Lohan told reporters today that the troubled actress’ rehab stint is off to a fantastic start—oh, wait, she’s gone. “I’m happy to report that Lindsay has acknowledged her addictions and is finally serious about getting clean and—hold on, where’d she go?” said Betty Ford substance abuse counselor Tamera White, who claimed that the Hollywood starlet had entered into her 90-day treatment program with enthusiasm, actively engaging in group therapy and showing a genuine desire to break from the habits—except reports now confirm she’s not in her room, her purse is gone, and she’s running out the front entrance. “Hmm. Okay. Well, better luck next time, I guess.” At press time, Lohan has been taken into police custody after crashing her Corvette two blocks away from the recovery center.
Picking Thing Up From Apartment Floor Rescheduled For Thursday #~# DANIA, FL—Stating that things are “just really crazy right now,” local man James Kinter told reporters Monday that an appointment to pick up an object from his apartment floor would have to be moved to Thursday. “I’m super swamped—lots of stuff going on—so it’s going to be really tough for me to fit it in today,” Kinter said of moving the small, lightweight item that could be picked up and placed in its proper location in under five seconds. “The next few days are booked solid, too; the second half of the week is a lot more realistic. I’ll see how early Thursday morning looks and we’ll take it from there.” At press time, Kinter was looking directly at the object while lying on his couch.
Snooze Button Time Traveler Sets Coordinates For 5 Minutes Into The Future #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Setting his sights on a point five minutes into the future, snooze button time traveler Brent Conley, 31, engaged the launch initiation switch on his temporal teleportation device at precisely 7:30 a.m. this morning, immediately sending himself hurtling through time.
Arab-American Actually Kind Of Enjoys Always Having 2 Bus Seats To Self #~# CHICAGO—While stressing that racial profiling is degrading and has made his life more difficult in a great many ways, 29-year-old Egyptian-American Tarek Yasin admitted to reporters Monday that he does sort of enjoy always having two seats to himself when he rides the bus. “Sure, it’s insulting when people take one look at me and then walk to the other end of the bus, but after a long day of work, it is kind of nice to be able to stretch out a little bit,” said Yasin, adding that since the Boston Marathon bombings on Apr. 15, he hasn’t once had to sit next to someone else during his daily commute. “Even when the bus is full, just the sight of me standing in the aisle is enough to make people get up and move, so I always wind up with a seat. Ignorance, fear, racism—these are horrible things, but at least I get to sit down and take a load off.” Yasin, who has been an American citizen for over a decade, added that he also gets the locker room at his health club to himself “just by showing up and setting down [his] gym bag.”
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of May 7, 2013 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
PETA Attacks Chris Christie For Killing Spider #~# After New Jersey governor Chris Christie posted a video online of him squishing a spider with his hand while meeting with a group of children, the president of PETA issued a response chiding Christie for not thinking about the spider’s worth as a living being. What do you think?
We Were Going To Take Over The ‘Onion’ Website, But It’s A Real Mess With All Those Ads #~# Earlier today, we launched an online attack on the American journalism website The Onion in order to lay bare the lies the Western media has been perpetrating about the Syrian government and its revered leader, Bashar al-Assad. However, we immediately regretted our actions as soon as we hacked into The Onion’s site and saw what a goddamn mess it is with all those ads.
James Holmes Elected New NRA President #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Saying that he embodies the organization’s core values and beliefs, members of the National Rifle Association elected Aurora, CO mass shooter James Holmes as their new president Monday, sources confirmed. “Mr. Holmes is not only a powerful symbol and advocate of  Second Amendment rights, but he’s also a high-profile gun owner himself,” said NRA member Tyler Paulson, 46, who claimed he could think of no one better to lead the group through its current challenges than the man who shot and killed 12 people in a Colorado movie theater. “The fact is, Mr. Holmes isn’t afraid to stand up for what he believes in. We support James Holmes 100 percent and are excited to see where he decides to lead us going forward.” At press time, Holmes and NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre were spotted laughing with one another and shaking hands during Holmes’ visiting hours.
Nation's Amateur Skateboarders Haven't Landed Trick In 12 Years #~# BERKELEY, CA—Having completed a long-term analysis of skateboarding activity at every skate park, public plaza, parking lot, and suburban cul-de-sac in the United States, researchers at the University of California reported this week that not one of the nation’s 19 million amateur skateboarders has successfully landed a single trick since 2001.
Syrian Electronic Army Has A Little Fun Before Inevitable Upcoming Deaths At Hands Of Rebels #~# DAMASCUS, SYRIA—After hacking into The Onion’s Twitter account earlier today, members of the Syrian Electronic Army confirmed that the organization simply wanted to have a little fun before soon dying at the hands of rebel forces. “We figured that before they bust in here and execute every single one of us, we might as well have a good time and post some silly tweets about Israel from a major media outlet’s feed,” said a spokesperson from the pro-Assad group, adding that he and his cohorts “had a few good laughs” and are now fully prepared for their painful and undoubtedly horrific deaths in the coming days. “I mean, we definitely don’t have much time left, so we thought, hey, let’s just enjoy ourselves before getting blown away by rockets, decapitated, beaten to death, or hung during public executions. Why not, right?” At press time, violent screams and pleas for mercy were reportedly overheard as rebel troops broke into the Syrian Electronic Army’s hideout.
Onion Twitter Password Changed To OnionMan77 #~# ‘That Ought To Do It,’ Company Sources Confirm
50 Years Of James Bond #~# British secret agent James Bond made his first appearance in American theaters 50 years ago Wednesday in Dr. No. Here are some of the most memorable moments of 007’s half century on the silver screen:
Suicide Rate Up Sharply Among Middle-Aged #~# According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the suicide rate among Americans between the ages of 35 and 64 increased by 28 percent between 1999 and 2010. What do you think?
Coworker Insists On Describing Entire Plot Of Old Spice Commercial #~# Account manager Brad Rutledge, 33, has come under fire for spoiling the latest Old Spice commercial to his fellow employees at software company NuTech Datasystems. "Oh man, you've got to see the latest one," said the extremely annoying Rutledge. "There's this guy who showers with Old Spice bar soap, and then hot water starts spraying on him. The water follows him around all day." Sources say that promising to watch the commercial yourself won't deter Rutledge from standing in your cubicle and physically acting out every part of the ad. "I even told him I saw it and that it was funny, but that didn't get rid of him," said programmer Glenn Polson. "He said the ad's jingle was stuck his head, and then sang the entire thing like five times." At press time, Rutledge was holding up a meeting with 15 people to play the ad at the start of a PowerPoint presentation.
Tuesday, May 14 #~# Author and ecologist Michael Strandley will be at the Cameron Library on Tuesday discussing his lifelong work with bears and why he thinks they’re overrated.
No One In Limo Going To Prom With The One They Wanted #~# INDEPENDENCE, MO—None of the six students in the white stretch limousine presently en route to Harry Truman High School’s senior prom are attending the event with the person they wanted to be their date, sources reported this evening. “Wooo! Prom night!” 18-year-old Amanda Schumacher shouted, despite the fact that she had really hoped to be asked to the dance by Bradley Sumner but had instead been forced to settle for Craig Doyle, who himself had asked her to go only after Lindsay Willis had turned him down. “Tonight is going to be so awesome!” concurred Ian Robeson, poking his head out the sunroof while imagining his date were Karen Simmons, the girl he’s had a crush on for four years, instead of Beth Malden, his friend and study partner. Additional sources reported that the students’ chauffeur would prefer to be going to prom in his company’s new 220-inch Cadillac Escalade limo instead of its old eight-seater Lincoln Town Car.
Superstitious Baseball Player Always Steps Into Batter’s Box Before Swinging At Pitches #~# MILWAUKEE—While speaking to reporters prior to Saturday’s game against the St. Louis Cardinals, Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun admitted he consistently follows an elaborate, superstitious routine in which he always makes sure to step into the batter’s box before swinging at pitches. “I know it’s crazy, but I’ve just got to have my feet planted firmly in that box before I’ll even so much as look at a pitch,” said Braun, noting that his complex at-bat ritual also includes gripping his bat with both hands and making sure to face the pitcher at all times. “A lot of the guys make fun of me because I’m always tapping my bat on the plate to make sure I’m positioned correctly and putting most of my weight on my back leg before taking a hack, but, really, baseball players all have weird little quirks like that. Hey, whatever works, you know?” The superstitious ballplayer added that he also follows the game’s more traditionally observed practices, such as making sure to step directly on the foul lines when coming on or off the field and enthusiastically discussing a no-hitter in progress to make sure the pitcher is aware of it.
First Woman Added To FBI’s 'Most Wanted Terrorists' List #~# Joanne Chesimard, a member of the Black Liberation Army who killed a New Jersey state trooper 40 years ago and has since fled to Cuba, was named one of the FBI’s Most Wanted Terrorists, becoming the first woman ever to appear on the list. What do you think?
Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year #~# MARIETTA, GA—Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.
2013 NRA Convention Schedule Of Events #~# The National Rifle Association is holding its 142nd annual meeting in downtown Houston this weekend. Here are the scheduled events:
Cavaliers Impressed With Mike Brown’s Willingness To Coach Cavaliers #~# CLEVELAND—A week after hiring the former Lakers head coach, Cleveland Cavaliers general manager Chris Grant announced at a press conference Wednesday that the team was most excited about Mike Brown’s total willingness to coach the Cavaliers. “From the moment he expressed some interest, we knew we had our guy,” said Grant, detailing the rigorous interview process they conducted with Brown to ensure the one-time NBA Coach of the Year was serious. “Obviously, we like his experience and trust his ability to develop the young talent on our team, but what really sold us most was the fact that he evidently wants to coach here. We honestly couldn’t say that about any other candidates we considered.” After finishing with the league’s third-worst record, Grant said the Cavaliers will next turn their attention to the draft, where they hope to add yet another talented young player who doesn’t want to be in Cleveland.
Magazine Runs Article About Louis C.K. #~# NEW YORK—An American entertainment magazine has run, in its most recent issue, an article about comedian and actor Louis C.K., sources reported this week. “We decided to publish an article describing how Louis C.K. is dominating the world of comedy across a variety of media,” said an editor of the magazine in question, who confirmed the three-page profile opens with a present-tense declarative sentence stating that C.K. is about to go on stage. “This article also discusses Louis’ independent online sales model, how he incorporates his experiences as a father into his stand-up, and the creative freedom he enjoys on his TV show Louie. It also contains a sentence comparing his current lucrative successes to his everyman personality.” The publisher confirmed that the profile featured a photo of C.K. looking sad in a black T-shirt and jeans.
Family Watching Movie White-Knuckles It Through Unexpected Sex Scene #~# BETHEL PARK, PA—A routine Schaeffer family movie night took a sudden and deeply uncomfortable turn Thursday when the family of four was forced to white-knuckle its way through an unanticipated sex scene, household sources confirmed.
Guide To Tim Tebow's Future #~# Onion Sports gazes into its crystal ball to examine the fate of recently cut Jets quarterback Tim Tebow.
First American Colonists Engaged In Cannibalism #~# Citing knife and saw marks on the bones of a 14-year-old girl who is believed to have died of starvation, researchers concluded that the colonists in Jamestown, the first permanent English settlement in the Americas, ate the girl’s flesh and brain during the winter of 1609. What do you think?
Saturday, May 11 #~# An outdoor screening of the Rozenski family’s rafting trip has been set up so everyone can get it over with at once.
Rescue Chip Sent In To Save Broken Tostito Submerged In 7-Layer Dip #~# AKRON, OH—Calling the situation dangerous and a rescue operation “very risky,” authorities have confirmed they will now lower a rescue chip into a seven-layer dip to save a broken Tostito that got caught in the party spread approximately 45 seconds ago.
Dad Busy Throwing Seeds Or Something On Lawn #~# WARRENSBURG, MO—Speculating that it’s probably meant to make the grass greener or fuller or something, living room sources reported Thursday that local dad Brian Winfield, 45, is currently busy throwing little seeds of some kind all over the front lawn. “He’s been at it for a few hours now,” said Megan Winfield, 15, who confirmed that her father is carrying a large bag around, grabbing handfuls of small grain-like kernels, and dropping them methodically on the grass. “He got up really early to do this, so apparently it’s important. He does it every year.” At press time, Winfield was reportedly standing at the edge of the lawn, wiping the sweat from his brow and admiring whatever it was he had just done.
New Zealand Bans Naming Babies ‘Christ,’ ‘Lucifer’ #~# New Zealand, which requires government approval of all baby names before they become official, released a list of the names it has rejected, including “4Real,” “Anal,” and a symbol of a star. What do you think?
Tim Tebow Just Sitting By Himself In Darkened Florida Gators Football Stadium #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—After being waived by the New York Jets and so far receiving no offers from other NFL teams, former Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow was reportedly sitting alone in the darkness of his alma mater’s deserted football stadium, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Obama Explains How They Get All Those Cars On The Back Of One Of Those Trucks #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking at a nationally televised press conference from the White House this morning, President Obama explained to the nation how they load all those cars onto the trailer of one of those big transport trucks.
Teen Pregnancy Rate Prompting More High Schools To Eliminate ‘Fuck Your Brains Out’ Program #~# WASHINGTON—A 150 percent increase in teen pregnancy rates over the past decade has led more high schools to eliminate “Fuck Your Brains Out,” a national sexual education program that encourages adolescents to have sex frequently and with as many partners as possible, sources confirmed Thursday.
Heat Surprised It Took 4 Games To Beat Bucks #~# MIAMI—Reflecting on their first-round playoff series, members of the Miami Heat expressed their genuine surprise Thursday that they needed four games to beat the Milwaukee Bucks, team sources confirmed. “I know Dwyane [Wade] has been banged up, but it’s still pretty shocking that we couldn’t close out a team like the Bucks in less than four,” said small forward LeBron James, explaining that he and his teammates had expected to win the best-of-seven series in “no more than two or three games, tops.” “With the quality on our roster, there’s no excuse for letting the Bucks hang around like that. It was a real wake-up call for us, and we clearly need to step up our game for the rest of the playoffs.” James added that he hasn’t been so embarrassed since last season’s Eastern Conference Finals, when it inexplicably took the Heat seven games to beat the Boston Celtics.
Proud Boston Market CEO Announces Food Hasn't Been This Gross In Years #~# GOLDEN, CO—Visibly beaming with pride, Boston Market CEO George Michel told reporters Thursday that the food at his restaurant chain “has rarely, if ever, been more disgusting.”
Woman Placed Poisoned Orange Juice In Starbucks #~# A California woman has been charged with attempted murder after allegedly placing two bottles of orange juice containing lethal amounts of rubbing alcohol into a refrigerated case at a Starbucks in San Jose. What do you think?
Obama Renews Calls To Close Guantánamo #~# President Barack Obama renewed his 2008 campaign promise to close the detention facility at Guantánamo Bay, where roughly 100 detainees are currently on a hunger strike that has required many of them to be force-fed by special medical personnel. What do you think?
Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library Opens In Pitch-Dark, Sulfurous Underground Cave #~# SUMNER, NE—The Richard B. Cheney Vice Presidential Library and Museum officially opened to the public on Wednesday, housing a variety of exhibits honoring the legacy of the former vice president on display in a vast, dark, sulfurous cave thousands of feet below the surface of the earth.
SPONSORED: Today’s Ku Klux Klan: Back On Top And Ready For The Future #~# HARRISON, AR—When six former Confederate officers gathered in the winter of 1865 to establish a private social club, none of them could have dreamed that their small group would one day grow into America’s preeminent white nationalist organization, one that embodies the values of faith, family, and community that have always been the bedrock of this great country.
UMass Dartmouth Beginning To Regret Offering Course In Applied Domestic Terrorism #~# DARTMOUTH, MA—After federal authorities arrested two students from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth on Tuesday in connection with the Boston Marathon bombings, officials at the university told reporters they are starting to seriously regret offering a semester-long course in Applied Domestic Terrorism. “ADT 201 has long been one of the most popular courses in our registry, and we have always tried to offer a progressive and wide-ranging list of classes to our undergraduate students, but we recognize, at this juncture, that this particular plan of study may not have been well-considered,” university spokesman Greg Stelter said of the popular tutorial-style course, which reportedly uses a “problem-solving approach” to equip students with the knowledge of homegrown terrorism techniques and the skills for carrying out large-scale domestic attacks on innocent civilians in major metropolitan areas. “It’s a shame, because this is one of the only programs out there that offers students a well-rounded survey in domestic attack planning and execution, from bomb-making to fertilizer explosions to online threats and computer viruses. Plus, it’s a required course for Domestic Terrorism majors.” At press time, Stelter had announced that until the board of trustees had reached a decision on the course, currently enrolled students should continue attending classes and taking practical exams.
Michael Jordan Accidentally Leaves For Honeymoon With One Of His Mistresses #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Following an extravagant wedding ceremony attended by hundreds of famous guests, former NBA star Michael Jordan inadvertently left for his honeymoon with one of his mistresses, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Damn it, I’m never going to hear the end of this shit,” said Jordan, who reportedly noticed that the woman sitting next to him on a private jet bound for Viceroy, Anguilla was not his new bride Yvette Prieto. “Christ, she’s going to be so pissed when she finds out I spent our two-week honeymoon with Candy.” At press time, Jordan had reportedly told his mistress that he regretted not going on his honeymoon with the “sexy, young” waitress from the wedding reception.
Applebee's Introduces New 50 Appetizers For $250 Special #~# DECATUR, GA—Announcing a special offer aimed at “whetting appetites like never before,” the Applebee’s restaurant chain said Wednesday that for a limited time customers will be able to purchase 50 appetizers at the discounted price of $250. “Try 12 servings of our tempting Boneless Wings, followed by 20 plates of Chicken Quesadillas Grande, and polish it off with 18 baskets of our Crunchy Onion Rings—all for just $250 plus tax and tip,” Applebee’s representative Gavin Feig said in a press release, noting that the special allows customers to pay substantially less than they would if they were to buy 50 appetizers individually. “Best of all, the deal is valid with the purchase of any entrée on our menu, including our longest-running favorite, the 25-Steak Dinner Deal.” Feig added that the offer does not apply to orders of Chili Cheese Nachos, saying, “It’s just the rule.”
Parents Seize Creative Control Of 3rd-Grade Art Project #~# PHILADELPHIA—Following a series of creative disputes, third-grade student Jeffrey Milner has been removed from day-to-day control of the “What I Want More Than Anything” assignment he is required to hand in during art class tomorrow, household sources confirmed Tuesday. “While we appreciate Jeffrey’s contributions to the project, his repeated rejections of outside input have unfortunately made it necessary for us to step in and institute some controls,” the 9-year-old’s mother, Bethany, said while sprinkling glitter on a freshly poured line of glue. “In the end, we felt that taking him off the project was the only way to salvage the hard work of everyone involved, including those of us who have funded this venture. He is, of course, a talented artist, and we hope to work with him again sometime in the future.” Jeffrey’s parents added that his name will still appear on the finished product and that his creative input will continue to be welcomed in a consulting capacity.
A-Rod Warns Accusers It'll Be Their Word Against His #~# 'Who Do You Think They’re Going To Believe?' Says Rodriguez
3 Climbers, 100 Sherpas Brawl On Mt. Everest #~# While 23,000 feet up Mt. Everest, three European climbers claimed they were physically attacked by 100 Sherpa guides after they disobeyed the Sherpas’ commands and knocked ice onto one of the Sherpas below, though both sides later made peace. What do you think?
Saturday, May 11 #~# The Ridgewood Gardens Association will be meeting for its annual Green-Up The Neighborhood event on Saturday beginning at 10 a.m. to clean up bottles, fast food containers, and other litter from the Dolan family in unit 14-C.
Magic Skateboard #~# PBS
Senate Passes Immigration Reform Bill #~# With 14 Republicans joining Democrats, the Senate passed a sweeping immigration reform bill yesterday, which would provide a 13-year path to citizenship for the nation’s illegal immigrants, though the bill faces strong opposition from House Republicans. What do you think?
Scientists Find Link Between How Pathetic You Are, How Fast You Respond To Emails #~# CHICAGO—According to a study published this week in the Journal Of Contemporary Ethnography, scientists at the University of Chicago have established a definitive link between how promptly an individual responds to emails and how pathetic that person is as a human being. “Our research shows that, without exception, only the saddest and most pitiable individuals will reply to a new message in their inbox within moments of receiving it, whereas those who respond after an extended period—oftentimes up to multiple days—are invariably more socially adept, confident people,” said sociologist Daniel Moran, confirming that the length of time that passed between receiving a given work or personal email and sending a reply was directly correlated to the level of excitement, diversity, and fulfillment in that person’s life. “By simply noting how quickly it takes an acquaintance or colleague to respond to one’s online correspondence, email users can accurately assess what kind of person they're dealing with. And it goes without saying that those people who respond immediately to emails can safely be written off as miserable losers who are sadly hanging on every little message that gets sent their way.” Moran also added that the frequency with which one checked or refreshed their email account corresponded precisely to how empty that person felt inside.
Stanley Cup Shot 11 Times During Chicago Blackhawks Victory Parade #~# CHICAGO—Over the course of the 45-minute victory parade held Friday morning to celebrate the Chicago Blackhawks’ NHL championship, the Stanley Cup sustained nearly a dozen gunshot wounds, city police officials have confirmed. “Multiple gun-wielding individuals, all appearing to operate independently, fired approximately 25 shots at the trophy, resulting in 11 direct hits,” said Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy, who confirmed the famous trophy’s injuries may leave many of the names of past champions engraved upon it permanently illegible, including the entire roster of the 1999 Dallas Stars. “We are seeking any information regarding the current whereabouts of the Cup’s assailants, as well as the identities of the 1.3 million revelers facing charges of public intoxication.” Parade coordinators reportedly elected to continue the rally, stating that the crowds of Chicagoans did not seem at all fazed by the gunfire.
Lucky Old Woman Getting Wheeled Around Airport #~# DENVER—Travelers at the Denver International Airport looked on in envy Thursday at a very lucky elderly woman, who, since her arrival, has been greeted by an airport employee and been pushed around in a wheelchair wherever she wants to go. “Man, she doesn’t have to walk to her gate or anything; I would kill to be her right now,” 32-year-old bystander Neal Bedo said of the fortunate 89-year-old, who is basically being waited on hand and foot and is currently being ushered all the way to the B Terminal, which, according to sources, is pretty far away. “I bet when she gets to the next airport, there’s going to be another wheelchair waiting for her at the jetway. And then she’ll be wheeled to baggage claim where someone will help with her luggage. What a sweet deal she’s got.” At press time, the pampered queen made everyone jealous when an airport employee went to the food court to get her a cold drink, and she got to just sit at her gate and not have to worry about standing in line or anything.
Graffiti Artist Completes Masterwork ‘Still Life Of Marijuana Leaf’ #~# BUFFALO, NY—Revealing his most recent offering, which further solidifies his rightful place in the cultural pantheon, local graffiti artist Patrick “Jester” Dunham told reporters Friday that he has at last put the finishing touches on his latest masterwork, “Still Life Of Marijuana Leaf.” “My newest creation combines the natural and the contrived, the unexpected and the everyday; it represents everything I’ve achieved so far, while also suggesting what exciting frontiers lie ahead,” Dunham said of his towering opus depicting a single monochrome Cannabis frond, which follows the aerosol master’s recent tours de force, “Anarchy Symbol,” “Dead Kennedys Logo,” and “Fuck You #8.” “In my early period, I attempted to merely assimilate the methods of those great virtuosos who came before me, but today I paint solely from within, channeling that deepest part of me and expressing my innermost self on the brick. And I think the intensity of that process comes out in my work.” Dunham added that those wishing to experience his chef d’oeuvre for themselves may do so by visiting the western exterior of the Exchange Street Amtrak station, where the painting will be displayed alongside the location’s permanent collection of bubble-letter slurs and phalluses.
Undertaker’s Last Few Embalmings Before Summer Vacation Always A Little Sloppy #~# SKOKIE, IL—As vacation season approaches and local Donnellan Family Funeral Services staff prepare for their summer breaks, mortuary director Gene Donnellan told reporters Friday that the last few embalmings he performs before vacation are “typically pretty slapdash.” “To be perfectly honest, I’m pretty much exhausted that whole week before I’m off, so by the time I get to the last few bodies I usually end up overdoing the formaldehyde and skipping right to the cavity drainage,” Donnellan said of his “admittedly messy” last-minute process, which, he added, “is far from [his] best work but gets the job done.” “Look, if it’s six o’clock on Friday and I’ve got two weeks in the Virgin Islands ahead of me, it’s not like I’m going to get to every toe. And then I’ll just pack the anus and vagina with gauze to prevent seepage, put the bag of organs at the base of the casket, and call it a day.” At press time, Donnellan was absentmindedly suturing a corpse’s mouth shut while thinking about what kind of tropical drink he was going to order.
Gay Pride Celebrations Across U.S. #~# Gay pride marches and parades will be held this weekend across the United States as LGBT Pride Month draws to a close. Here are some local gay pride celebrations throughout the country:
Ryan Tannehill Confident Dolphins Can Win A Wide-Ranging Number Of Games Next Season #~# MIAMI—Second-year quarterback Ryan Tannehill expressed his confidence in the Dolphins after minicamp Tuesday, claiming that he believes this team could win almost any number of games next year. “With the talent on this squad, I’m quite optimistic that we could definitely win anywhere from one to eight games this season,” said Tannehill. “It may sound crazy in June, but a zero, one, two, three, four, five, six, or seven-win season isn’t out of the realm of possibility this year.” Tannehill also told reporters that he believed the Dolphins had it in them to put together a fairly solid losing streak.
Monica Lewinsky’s Clothes, Negligee Up For Auction #~# Thirty-two items that belonged to Monica Lewinsky during her time as a White House intern will be auctioned online, including a floor-length black negligee, a letter signed by President Bill Clinton, and a number of articles of clothing. What do you think?
Grout Virgins #~# HGTV
Cleveland Cavaliers Draft Huge Bodybuilder With First Pick #~# ‘Look At How Massive This Dude Is,’ Gushes GM
Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music #~# ROCHESTER, MI—Hip-hop artist Marshall Mathers, a.k.a. Eminem, said he was left wholly terrified today after meeting his daughter Hailie’s new boyfriend Justin Denham, an 18-year-old who was reportedly raised on the rapper’s music.
Texas Executes 500th Prisoner #~# Convicted murderer Kimberly McCarthy was put to death by lethal injection last night, marking the 500th execution by the state of Texas since the death penalty was reinstated there in 1982. What do you think?
‘I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,’ Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Upon coming across the same job posting Monday for a full-time position at a local startup company, an estimated 1,400 people reportedly described the opening as “a perfect fit” for their qualifications, saying it was exactly the opportunity they’ve been waiting for. “I have all the skills they want, my experience matches up—I honestly don’t know if there’s anyone out there better suited for this job than me,” said unemployed man Charles Duncan, echoing the sentiments of 1,400 others, 900 of whom believe their facility with social media and knowledge of web design will definitely make their application “stand out from the rest of the pack.” “This position just makes so much sense for me. My résumé and cover letter might not get me the job outright, but once I go in for the interview they’ll see why I’m ideal for it.” Sources later confirmed a family friend of a top executive at the company had already accepted the position, which had been unofficially promised to him long before the job was even posted.
Texas Executes 393rd Guilty Prisoner #~# HUNTSVILLE, TX—Marking a notable milestone in the history of capital punishment in the United States, the state of Texas executed its 393rd guilty prisoner Wednesday with the death of 52-year-old convicted murderer Kimberly McCarthy by lethal injection. “Yesterday, the Texas Department of Criminal Justice executed its 500th  inmate since the state reinstated capital punishment in 1982, and the 393rd one who was proven to have committed the crime of murder beyond a reasonable doubt,” said U.S. Deputy Attorney General James Cole at a press briefing this afternoon, adding that the Texas legal system had, in this particular instance, “definitely confirmed” that McCarthy killed her 71-year-old neighbor in 1997. “As of today, Texas leads all states with its 500 total executions, 393 of whom were guilty individuals, and 98 executions of prisoners who they’re fairly certain were guilty.” Cole noted, however, that Texas was tied with Florida for the most executions that, in retrospect, they weren’t all that sure about, with nine apiece.
God Proud Of Cockroaches #~# THE HEAVENS—Saying He was astounded with their continued tenacity and resilience through generations of life on earth, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, declared today His overwhelming pride in cockroaches.
Grandiose Delusion Of Own Self-Importance Only Thing Keeping CEO Alive, Doctors Say #~# GREENWICH, CT—Days after being admitted to the clinic’s intensive care unit, physicians at Greenwich Hospital relayed Thursday the improving condition of Invictus Mutual Funds CEO Charles Latham, 67, a man whose grand delusion of self-importance is the only thing keeping him alive at this point, doctors confirmed.
Top Prospects Of The 2013 NBA Draft #~# With the 2013 NBA Draft quickly approaching, Onion Sports breaks down the best collegiate and international basketball players.
Pool! #~# This 3 pool/2.5 pool unit features an open-concept pool and a bonus basement pool. Two-car pool. In-ground pool with hot pool. Reference #H892350
Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder #~# FRAMINGHAM, MA—Adding yet another wrinkle to the football player and media sensation’s eventful offseason, authorities confirmed today that a former teammate of New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow has been arrested and charged with murder. “While this is a highly sensitive matter, I can confirm that [Tebow’s former teammate] has indeed been taken into custody,” said Massachusetts State Police Superintendent Timothy P. Alben, referring to the individual who reportedly knows Tim Tebow, has talked to Tim Tebow, and has spent time in the same locker room as Tebow following the deeply religious quarterback’s release from the New York Jets earlier this year. “As our probe is ongoing, we will have no official comment on [the man who played football with former University of Florida standout Tim Tebow, who continues his rollercoaster journey through the National Football league this year—a journey beset with NFL experts and fans constantly asking this question: Is Tim Tebow an NFL quarterback? And if not, is he capable of playing another position? And if not, does he belong in the league at all?]’s role in the investigation at this time.” When questioned by reporters, Alben was unable to provide an answer on how Tebow’s physical style of play and experience running the wildcat package would mesh with Patriots head coach Bill Belichick’s longstanding emphasis on the passing game.
U.S. Home Prices Rise Sharply #~# According to newly released figures, home prices in the United States rose 12 percent from April 2012 to April 2013, the fastest rate of increase since before the housing crash in 2006. What do you think?
College World Series: ‘Ping’ #~# OMAHA, NE—Following UCLA’s series-winning sweep of Mississippi State Tuesday night, the College World Series took the opportunity to announce ping. “Ping,” said the annual double-elimination tournament, reiterating what it has stated multiple times over the last two weeks. “Ping. Ping! Ping. Ping. Ping. Ping! Ping. Ping.” After a brief pause, the series added, “Ping.”
Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, Alito Suddenly Realize They Will Be Villains In Oscar-Winning Movie One Day #~# WASHINGTON—Shortly after turning in dissenting opinions in landmark federal rulings today that struck down the Defense of Marriage Act and conferred full federal benefits to married same-sex couples, Supreme Court justices Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, John G. Roberts, and Samuel Alito reportedly realized today that they would someday be portrayed as villains in an Oscar-winning film about the fight for marriage equality. “Oh, God, the major social ramifications, the political intrigue, all the important people involved in the case—I’m going to be played by some sinister character actor in a drama with tons of award buzz, aren’t I?” said Scalia, joining his fellow dissenting justices in realizing they would be antagonists in a film potentially titled Defense Of Marriage and probably written by Tony Kushner. “I’m going to be portrayed as a closed-minded Neanderthal and the very symbol of backward thinking. And at the end of the movie, when my character realizes he’s on the wrong side of history, the audience will feel emotionally fulfilled because the hero attorney, probably played by George fucking Clooney, will have won. Great.” While they added that they aren’t looking forward to being vilified on screen, Scalia, Roberts, Alito, and Thomas all agreed that the movie would probably be pretty good, and that they could see Paul Dano getting his first Academy Award nomination for his supporting role as a gay rights crusader.
Texas Abortion Opponents To Cheer Selves Up With Execution #~# AUSTIN, TX—Following state senator Wendy Davis’ successful filibuster of sweeping abortion restrictions last night, disappointed Texans told reporters they are looking forward to tonight’s scheduled execution of convicted murderer Kimberly McCarthy to cheer them back up. “I was completely devastated after learning that abortion providers throughout the state would remain open, but thankfully, there’s nothing better to lift up our spirits than an old-fashioned execution,” said Fort Worth anti-abortion activist Caroline Hinton, who added that the impending lethal injection of McCarthy was “more than enough” to put a smile back on her face. “And as soon as I remembered that the state of Texas is preparing to take a woman’s life this evening by strapping her onto a gurney and shooting a cocktail of deadly chemicals into her arteries, I just perked right up and put those failed abortion restrictions out of my mind. And it’s our 500th execution, too, so it’s going to be a real celebration! I guess this week won’t turn out all bad after all.” At press time, Hinton reported feeling “even better” after learning that Governor Rick Perry is expected to call a special session to reintroduce the anti-abortion legislation and that political analysts say it will likely pass.
Report: No Gay People Actually Refer To Selves As 'Same-Sex Couple' #~# WASHINGTON—Following the U.S. Supreme Court’s historic rulings on gay rights earlier in the day, a report issued Wednesday by the Human Rights Campaign reveals that not a single one of the nation’s millions of homosexuals actually refer to themselves and their partners as “same-sex couples.” “While the expression ‘same-sex couple’ is frequently incorporated into legislation, legal proceedings, and throughout the media, our research shows that this is not a term that even one gay person has ever used to describe his or her relationship,” said author of the report James Newcastle, 41, who noted that at no point in his own life has he referred to his boyfriend as his “same-sex partner.” “As the evidence demonstrates, whenever two gay people are engaged in a relationship, they usually just say something like, ‘We’re dating,’ or, ‘We’re married,’ or, ‘We’re a couple.’ They might, and it’s a big might, call themselves a ‘gay couple.’ But ‘same-sex couple’ is not a thing that normal people say.” Newcastle added, however, that a surprising number of such romantic pairs are now identifying themselves as a “queer dyad.”
Bigot Relieved To Learn Gays In His State Still Effectively Subhuman #~# NORMAN, OK—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark 5-4 ruling this morning striking down the Defense of Marriage Act, local bigot Donald Pohlman, 45, reportedly breathed a sigh of relief upon learning that homosexuals were still considered less than human under the laws of his home state. “Boy, that’s a load off—for a second there when I saw all those gays hugging and celebrating on the Supreme Court steps, I thought it could have been really bad,” said the visibly reassured hate monger, who noted that it was “very comforting” to discover that every homosexual living around him remained a second-class citizen and would continue to be denied basic human rights by the Oklahoma constitution. “Yes, sir, that was a close one! Luckily, my beliefs are being upheld and gay marriage stands no chance of getting through our state legislature—not if people like me have any say in it, that is.” Pohlman told reporters he was further delighted upon reading a related article detailing the Supreme Court’s recent rolling back of the Voting Rights Act.
Supreme Court Repeals Defense Of Marriage Act #~# The Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act by a vote of 5-4 today, with moderate justice Anthony Kennedy writing the majority opinion, stating that the law deprived citizens of “equal liberty” under the Fifth Amendment. What do you think?
Supreme Court Leaves Final Decision On Gay Marriage In Capable Hands Of Texas, Alabama, Georgia #~# WASHINGTON—After months of deliberation, the U.S. Supreme Court opted today to leave the ultimate decision on whether homosexuals should be allowed to marry in the more than capable hands of states such as Texas, Alabama, and Georgia. “As to the issue of gay marriage itself, we will not interfere with the individual commonwealth’s authority to fairly and competently dictate its own laws in these matters, seeing as states such as, for instance, Georgia have time and again proven themselves eminently adept at making the fairest and most reasoned of decisions,” said Chief Justice John Roberts of the state where sodomy laws were fiercely enforced until federally overturned in 2003. “Though the court’s ruling will delay the recognition of gay marriage on a state-by-state basis, the nation’s homosexuals should rest easy knowing that their freedoms and right to the pursuit of happiness lie within the famously rational and egalitarian legislatures of states such as Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, Tennessee, Florida, Montana, Utah, and West Virginia.” Roberts added that “who better” to have final authority on signing equal rights legislation into law than the likes of Jan Brewer, Rick Perry, and Scott Walker.
Gay Marriage Opponents Warn Supreme Court Ruling Could Put Nation On Slippery Slope To Rationality #~# WASHINGTON—Condemning the decision as “dangerously reasonable” and “beyond level-headed,” vocal opponents of same-sex marriage strongly cautioned that this morning’s Supreme Court rulings supporting gay rights could put the United States on a one-way, slippery slope to rationality. “I don’t think people fully understand that letting homosexuals legally marry one another is just the very beginning of a dangerous road to clear logic and sound, sensible decision making,” said anti-gay protester Kevin Moore, 43, who warned that the landmark ruling will likely lead to “an unspeakable amount of enlightened discourse and thoughtful compromises across the country.” “I mean, we’re talking about granting people their basic human rights on the basis of written law and common decency here. What’s next? Using sound judgment and compassion to foster a more humane culture and system of government? This is pure lunacy.” Gay marriage opponents later stated they were at least relieved to know that states still maintained their rights to remain as irrational and misguided as they each saw fit.
Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress #~# WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, technically speaking, progress, sources confirmed.
McDonald's Introduces New 6-Piece Chicken NcNoltes #~# OAK BROOK, IL—Touting its latest menu offering as a grizzled, tough, and brashly exciting dining option, McDonald’s CEO Don Thompson officially launched the company’s new six-piece Chicken NcNoltes meal at a press event Wednesday. “America spoke and we listened—our new Chicken NcNoltes have the mouth-watering gristle, crusty seasoning, and leathery texture that our customers have been clamoring for,” Thompson told gathered reporters, noting that the new product is made with only the most weathered and world-weary portions of all-white meat. “Whether you’re in the mood for a gruff, imposing dinner, or simply searching for a snack that looks like it’s on the verge of completely falling apart, our six-piece Chicken NcNoltes are certain to hit the spot.” Thompson added that the new Chicken NcNoltes paired perfectly with the chain’s mild and likable Ruffalo Sauce.
Paula Deen Loses Ham Endorsement Deal #~# After it was revealed last week that Paula Deen used racial slurs and made a number of racist jokes, the prominent pork company Smithfield Farms, which boasted a line of Paula Deen–branded hams, has severed its ties with the celebrity chef. What do you think?
Space Wives #~# Bravo
House With A Basketball Hoop That’s A Bit Lower Than 10 Feet #~# This cozy three-bedroom bungalow is perfect for the family that loves to dunk but lacks the necessary vertical leap. Reference #6071288
Cat Looking Out Window, Bird Form Unbelievably Intense Fifth-Of-A-Second Bond #~# ADRIAN, MI—An extremely intense bond that lasted just 0.2 seconds, but which was filled with a range of deeply intertwined and conflicting emotions that included fear, hunger, curiosity, rage, and even—on some level—love, was reportedly felt Monday between Lionel, a tabby housecat, and a pine warbler. The brief, silent connection, described to reporters as an overwhelming, almost spiritual experience for both animals, almost as if everything in their short lives had been cosmically leading up to this very encounter, formed when Lionel, seated in his usual spot near the kitchen window, instinctually moved his head rapidly to the left and spotted the bird coming to rest on the patio table. During the milliseconds the two species locked eyes, age-old genetic impulses of survival were reportedly unlocked and the two animals were suddenly frozen in time, enveloped by the most primal and elemental forces of nature. According to witness accounts, at the height of their ever-so-short but fathomless bond, the cat and bird truly believed they were the only two living things in the entire universe, gripped by an almost paralyzing sense of yearning. The unexplained connection, which sources confirmed was as awesome, mighty, and holy as God Himself, ended as soon as it began when the warbler flew away and Lionel scratched his ear and lay down.
Obama Announces Major Climate Change Policy #~# President Obama announced a new effort to combat climate change today, saying he would use executive orders to help cities and states cope with extreme weather, fund renewable energy sources, and cap carbon emissions at power plants. What do you think?
Edward Snowden’s Current Options #~# Former NSA agent Edward Snowden has been accused of treason and is currently the target of an international manhunt. With the U.S. demanding his return to America, The Onion looks at what Snowden’s current options are:
Embarrassed George Lucas Still Just Telling New Wife He Works In Digital Media #~# SAN ANSELMO, CA—Following his lavish wedding over the weekend to financial company president Mellody Hobson, a self-conscious George Lucas is reportedly still too embarrassed to tell his new wife exactly what he does for a living, and continues to just say he’s employed in the digital media industry, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh, I just do a lot of web stuff, you know, in the digital tech kind of realm—it’s not really all that interesting,” the visibly uncomfortable screenwriter and film director reportedly told Hobson during their wedding reception, before noting that Steven Spielberg, Samuel L. Jackson, and others in attendance were fans of his “work with computers.” “No, I don’t know who Han Solo is. Someone asked you about him? Hmm, I have no idea. Must be some guy who worked at my data-tech company way back. What about your work, though? I love hearing about that. How’s that going?” According to sources, Lucas informed his new wife that Skywalker Ranch, where the two were wed, was named for the property’s previous owner, Carl Skywalker, and was still full of “a bunch of that guy’s old junk.”
George Zimmerman’s Attorney Opens Second Day Of Trial With Trayvon Martin Impression #~# SANFORD, FL—As the trial of former neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman entered its second day this morning, defense attorney Don West reportedly opened his team’s remarks with an extended comic impression of Trayvon Martin, the deceased teen whom his client is accused of murdering in a fatal shooting altercation last year. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’d like you to imagine for a moment that it’s a dark night in Sanford, and my client sees an imposing stranger in an oversized hooded sweatshirt coming towards him—it might go a little something like this,” West said before turning his back to the jury, pulling on a hoodie, grabbing a bag of Skittles and spinning back around to face the court. “Yo, my name’s Trayvon, and I’m here to say/Suckers mess with me, I will make them pay.” West reportedly concluded his impression with a nearly 10-minute-long freestyle rap, which sources said received no visible reaction from the jury.
Silvio Berlusconi Transferred To Steamy All-Female Penitentiary #~# MILAN, ITALY—Hours after being sentenced to seven years in prison for having sex with an underage prostitute and abusing his power, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was transferred today to the Genoan Women’s Correctional Facility, a steamy, sultry all-female penitentiary on the Italian Riviera. “We believe our prison will be the ideal environment for Mr. Berlusconi to serve his sentence and pay for the crimes he committed while in power,” said the prison’s warden, Isabella Santaro, 18, who added that Berlusconi would have to regularly contend with the prison’s thousands of scantily clad prisoners and guards, sweltering hot temperatures, and daily cell-block group showers. “This is a maximum-security facility, and while he is here, Mr. Berlusconi will spend the vast majority of his day locked down in a cage-like cell with two of our most notorious prisoners, the Sicilian lesbian robbery duo Sophia and Alexxxandra.” Santaro added that Berlusconi will be strongly and repeatedly punished by the prison’s staff at the first sign of “naughtiness.”
City Of Miami Delighted By Impromptu Parade #~# MIAMI—Calling the seemingly unplanned celebration “quite the party,” city residents were reportedly delighted at the impromptu parade that broke out in downtown Miami on Monday. “Well! It’s certainly not every day you walk out your front door to see a giant parade rolling by for no reason,” said local retiree Glynnis Larson, 63, who added that it had been nearly a year since the last time she saw such a spirited rally spontaneously erupt on a random weekday. “And just look at all those tall young men cheering on top of that double-decker bus—they look like they’re having a really nice time. This truly is the greatest city in the world.” Following the passing of the unidentified parade, the 400,000 Miami residents who attended the event reasoned that it was probably for some sort of pre–Fourth of July celebration.
Well, Time To Go Out In Front Of A Bunch Of People And Lie To Them #~# Well, it looks like we’re about ready. The reporters have taken their seats, the photographers have set up their equipment, and everyone in the briefing room is waiting for me, the White House press secretary, to walk up to the podium and address the American public’s most pressing questions. And all that means only one thing: It’s time for me to go out there in front of all those people, take a deep breath, and then completely lie to their faces for about an hour.
Chicago Blackhawks Relatively Silence Boston Fans #~# BOSTON—In a thrilling conclusion to the NHL Finals, the Chicago Blackhawks defeated the Boston Bruins in Game 6 of the championship series Monday night, securing the Stanley Cup for Chicago in a stunning win that hockey analysts agreed somewhat silenced Boston’s typically vocal fan base. “Having to watch the Blackhawks hoist the Cup on the Bruins’ home ice really quieted this crowd, to the extent that these people can be quieted,” said ESPN hockey commentator Barry Melrose, adding that after the final horn sounded in TD Garden, you could just about hear a pin drop, in a sense. “This defeat has left Bostonians at a loss for words, comparatively. After last night, something tells me we won’t be hearing a peep out of Bruin diehards for at least a few seconds.” When contacted by reporters, Boston residents more or less declined to comment.
Scientists Probably Discover A New Species Of Frog #~# They’re Always Doing That Kind Of Shit
Twinkies Returning To Stores July 15 #~# Emerging from bankruptcy under new ownership, snack food company Hostess announced that its iconic Twinkies will return to store shelves on July 15 with packages bearing the phrase “The Sweetest Comeback in the History of Ever.” What do you think?
Edward Snowden Seeks Asylum In Ecuador #~# After fleeing Hong Kong, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden arrived in Moscow, where he is seeking asylum from the government of Ecuador, the same nation that has sheltered Wikileaks founder Julian Assange in its London embassy for over a year. What do you think?
Johnny Depp Now Physically Unable To Walk Unless Whimsically Teeter-Tottering Across Rolling Log, Wobbly Plank, Or Swaying Beam #~# LOS ANGELES—Sources close to the Lone Ranger and Pirates Of The Caribbean star confirmed Monday that unless Johnny Depp is playfully keeping his balance while wobbling along the length of a ship’s mast or comically teeter-tottering across a rolling log floating in water, he is now physically unable to walk without falling over. “The other day we were walking in the city, and he must have lost his balance and fell down 60 times, but as soon as various sections of the ground broke apart underneath him and started swaying back and forth, well, he flailed around a lot and made some wide-eyed, funny facial expressions, but he didn’t fall down once and made it across unharmed,” said a close friend, adding that because of the injuries Depp has sustained while trying to walk on stable ground, the actor now prefers the tops of moving trains to sidewalks. “And if he ever runs, he has to first be chased by an angry mob of some kind and, secondly, be inside a giant wooden wheel that he’s moving forward with his own momentum. Otherwise he will fall flat on his face.” Sources who work at Depp’s Los Angeles residence told reporters that the actor almost broke his neck attempting to exit his home last Monday and now only mischievously swings on chandeliers to get from his bedroom to the front door.
The Case For And Against George Zimmerman #~# FOR
Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar #~# NEW YORK—After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos. “Wall Street erupted into absolute pandemonium once the price of a dollar jumped past $50—if this keeps up, I wouldn’t be surprised if the dollar reached $275 or higher by the closing bell,” said CNBC analyst Marvin Kanisch, noting that the price of 20 dollars had soared well over $1,000 amid frenzied trading before plummeting back down to a more reasonable $430, while the price of five dollars remained steady at $5. “Everywhere you look, panicked investors are clamoring to exchange their dollars—which can only purchase about two cents apiece right now—for more stable dimes and quarters, which are trading at $18 and $32.25, respectively. And with the price of pennies falling below $140 an ounce, it’s easy to understand the sense of urgency. Bottom line: It’s a seller’s market.” With the skyrocketing dollar-to-dollar exchange rate prompting Americans to hoard as much money as possible, President Obama is expected to address the nation later today about easing America’s dependence on domestic currency.
Impatient Nation Demands Supreme Court Just Get To The Gay Stuff #~# WASHINGTON—Following the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling in an ongoing affirmative action lawsuit Monday, the impatient American public reportedly demanded that the nation’s highest court stop jerking around with all these other cases and just get to the gay stuff already. “Screw all these other cases, man, we’re ready for the real stuff—you know…the gay stuff,” said Indianapolis resident Eric Newcomb, 36, just one of millions of restless Americans who claimed they are sick of waiting for the Supreme Court to pull the trigger on a gay rights decision, noting that the judicial body has already had “a solid three months” to consider the constitutional issues associated with homosexual marriage and same-sex partner benefits. “Seriously, stop wasting time with all these boring appeals nobody cares about and bring on the gays. I mean, do they honestly think anyone gives a shit about any other case?” At press time, the nation had thrown up its hands in frustration upon learning that the Supreme Court was currently preparing a 46-page opinion addressing the jurisdictional conflicts raised by Mutual Pharmaceutical Co. v. Bartlett.
Family Tells Ailing Mandela Racism Over #~# PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—As 94-year-old Nelson Mandela remains hospitalized in critical condition, family members decided to go ahead and tell the former South African president that racism had finally ended, sources confirmed Sunday. “Just last night, all the races of the world reconciled with one another and agreed to live together in harmony,” Mandela’s wife Graça Machel reportedly said to the bedridden global icon, adding that the despicable institution of racism was “unlikely to have any further negative impact on the world.” “Citizens everywhere have united to fight against any government policy that perpetuates intolerance, and all efforts are being made to live by the social doctrine that all people, regardless of race or gender, are created equal. You did it, Madiba! You did it.” Family members then told Mandela that they “saw no end in sight” to Africa’s pervasive AIDS epidemic.
Ian McKellen: Live At The Apollo #~# HBO
Report: 80% Of Subway Track Repairmen Run Over Each Day #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study released Monday by the American Public Transportation Association, four out of every five subway track repairmen are run over by trains during the course of a normal workday. “So far this year, over 12,000 subway maintenance workers have been run over throughout the United States, with the average subway train hitting one worker an hour,” said APTA representative David Ross, who noted that most incidents were attributable to repairmen’s negligence, inability to find protective cutouts in tunnel walls in time, or tendency to become transfixed by an oncoming train’s lights. “Whenever passengers feel a bump or a screech, that’s a repairman getting run over. And at any given time, three to five workers are typically caught in each subway car’s underside and are being dragged around from stop to stop.” The report confirmed that every delay on a subway line is due to the train’s path being obstructed by a pile of repairmen corpses.
70% Of Americans Take Prescription Drugs #~# A report from the Mayo Clinic found that nearly 7 in 10 Americans take at least one prescription medication, and noted that antibiotics, antidepressants, and painkillers were the most frequently prescribed drugs in the U.S. What do you think?
The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday #~# Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyone looking for a quick and easy way to die.
Report: 89% Of Americans Just Want To Go Home Right Now #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report published Friday afternoon by the Pew Research Center, 89 percent of the American workforce currently wants nothing more than to just head home right this very moment. “Our data indicate that the only thought occupying their minds is getting the hell out of whatever project they’re working on as soon as possible and going straight home to their own couches in their own living rooms,” said lead researcher Julia Geier, noting that 42 percent of respondents said they want to be home fucking pronto, 33 percent said if this day doesn’t end soon they are literally going to bang their head against their keyboard for the next five minutes, and 21 percent reportedly just sighed, rubbed their face, and muttered, “Come on, I just want to go home.” “While I, for one, am disseminating this study’s findings and responding to media inquiries right now, the only thing I can actually think about is walking into my home, closing the door behind me, and then just lying down. That’s it—that’s all I want.” The report went on to confirm that once Americans finally return home, approximately 94 percent of them will immediately begin wishing they were anywhere else.
All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman #~# A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012. What do you think?
Report: It Not Worth Staying Past Fifth Inning Of 83% Of Baseball Games #~# EAST LANSING, MI—According to a report published Wednesday by researchers at Michigan State University, staying past the fifth inning of 83 percent of baseball games is usually pretty pointless. “After about five innings, you’ve basically had the whole baseball experience,” said the study’s leader Michael Kernfield, who added that remaining at a baseball game until the ninth inning is completely impractical 99 percent of the time. “You’ve seen some pitches, you’ve seen some outs, and maybe you’ve seen some hits. At that point, you can tell who’s going to win, and if you can’t, who cares? It’s hot out and traffic’s only going to get worse later. Best to just get out of the parking lot, get home, and enjoy a nice, relaxing evening.” The same report revealed that watching even one inning of a Kansas City Royals game was invariably “a colossal fucking waste of time.”
Vatican County Fair Sets Record For World's Largest Communion Wafer #~# VATICAN COUNTY—Shattering the previous Eucharistic weight record set by Cincinnati’s Sisters of Mercy convent, the Catholic Church’s College of Cardinals confirmed Friday it has baked an 800-pound communion wafer, the heaviest ever recorded, for this weekend’s Vatican County Fair. “That there’s the biggest body of Christ under the sun, friend,” said Cardinal Angelo Sodano, who personally carved the image of the cross onto the 16-foot-wide wafer. “A full foot thick, batter-dipped, and completely unleavened.” After the colossal host is displayed alongside the fair’s butter sculpture of the Crucifixion and its 450-pound blue-ribbon bishop, each of the 40,000 paying attendees will reportedly receive a piece of the wafer and 32 ounces of wine in a commemorative plastic cup.
Greatest Coaching Accomplishments In Sports History #~# With Erik Spoelstra leading the Miami Heat to a second straight NBA championship, Onion Sports examines the most astounding coaching accomplishments in the history of athletic competition.
Heat Fans Wake Up To Learn Team Won Game 7 #~# MIAMI—A number of self-proclaimed “big Miami Heat fans” woke up this morning, turned on the local news, and were reportedly thrilled to learn that their team won Game 7 of the NBA Finals last night, sources confirmed Friday. “So they won the trophy?” said 47-year-old Coral Gables resident Frank Gardner, echoing the sentiments of millions of die-hard Heat fans throughout the area, who went on to note that they started watching the team more since the franchise acquired “LeBron James and Chris Bush [sic].” “We turned in early last night, so this was just great news to wake up to. So what does this mean for them now? Do they move on, or how does it work? I'm excited.” When told of the victory, a number of members of the Heat Nation said they love Shaquille O’Neal, think he’s a character, and that he must have played very well last night for the Heat to have won.
Paula Deen Admits To Saying N-Word, Racist Jokes #~# According to a video reportedly obtained by the National Enquirer, Food Network star Paula Deen confessed that she had used the N-word, told racist jokes, and wanted to hire black waiters to play the part of slaves in a wedding she was planning. What do you think?
Heat Franchise Laughs In Nation’s Stupid Fucking Faces For 10 Minutes #~# MIAMI—After winning their second consecutive NBA championship, members of the Miami Heat reportedly spent 10 minutes Thursday laughing in the nation’s stupid fucking pathetic faces. “Ha, ha, ha,” said Heat small forward LeBron James, who stuck out his tongue, pointed at television cameras, playfully shoved his snickering teammates, and cackled wildly at every goddamn miserable lump of shit in America. “Oh my God, my sides hurt from laughing at all those dumbfucks.” At press time, the Miami Heat announced plans for a nationwide victory parade, visiting every city to laugh right in your disappointed fucking faces.
Rupert Murdoch, Donald Trump, Idi Amin, Joseph Stalin Celebrate Heat Victory #~# KAMPALA, REPUBLIC OF UGANDA—Calling themselves the Miami Heat’s biggest fans and saying that the team embodies everything they love, billionaires Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump, former Ugandan president and mass murderer Idi Amin, and Joseph Stalin celebrated the Heat’s Game 7 victory over the Spurs Thursday. “Let’s go Heat!” shouted Stalin, who perpetrated the Ukrainian Genocide while serving as the leader of the Soviet Union, cheering the Miami victory with fellow diehard Heat fans Slobodan Milosevic, Kenneth Lay, Joseph Goebbels, Barry Bonds, Pol Pot, Robert McNamara, Jerry Bruckheimer, and Vlad the Impaler—all of whom were wearing LeBron James jerseys. “They went out there and did what they had to do to win. We love this team!” At press time, Satan had burst through the door, screamed “We did it!” and proceeded to spray champagne on everyone.
Scientists Discover Mollusks Are Next Evolutionary Stage For Humans #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—In a breakthrough study that researchers say adds important insight into the evolution of Homo sapiens, scientists at the University of Michigan confirmed Thursday that human beings are slowly evolving into mollusks. “Evidence shows that modern humans emerged on the evolutionary timeline about 200,000 years ago, developed into the highly evolved hominids of today, and are now transforming into soft-bodied invertebrates,” said the study’s lead author Dr. Mitch Keneally, adding humans have already started turning into snails, slugs, and octopi,  evidenced by their increasingly amorphous figures. “Over the next 1,000 years, we’re going to see people developing gills, a hard protective shell around their torsos, and a large, muscular foot in their dorsal region that will help with locomotion and mucus secretion. The world is changing rapidly, and those who can’t filter seawater aren’t going to be able to survive.” Scientists added that the evolutionary trajectory isn’t all that surprising considering that mollusks themselves descended from monkeys just 5,000 years ago.
Government Admits To Using Drones In U.S. #~# FBI Director Robert Mueller admitted yesterday that his agency uses unmanned aerial vehicles for surveillance within the United States, stating that the agency’s drones are used “very seldom” and in a “very minimal way.” What do you think?
LeBron James Announces Retirement #~# ‘I’ve Accomplished Everything I Ever Dreamed Of,’ Says Former NBA Superstar
World Health Organization: ‘Not Sure How, But Adam Levine’s New Fragrance The Only Antidote To MERS Virus’ #~# GENEVA—Amid the spread of the deadly Middle East Respiratory Syndrome, or MERS, virus, the World Health Organization announced today that the only known cure for the fatal infection is, for some reason, the debut fragrance from pop star Adam Levine. “After numerous clinical trials involving broad-spectrum antibiotics, antiviral agents, and immunomodulatory therapy, we have concluded that, somehow, none of those treatments proved even remotely as effective as Adam Levine for Men Eau de Toilette and Adam Levine for Women Eau de Parfum,” WHO assistant director-general Keiji Fukuda said of the new cologne from the lead singer of Maroon 5, which is the first known cure for the deadly SARS-like virus beyond supportive medical care. “We can’t explain why; all we know is if you’re traveling to the Arabian Peninsula, we recommend drinking 3-4 oz. a day of the fragrance, or injecting 6 oz. at the first sign of fever, cough, or breathing trouble. Also, we are working around the clock to do something about the smell, but it may not be remediable.” When reached for comment, Levine said that learning his new perfume product provided effective relief from the latest fatal strain of coronavirus was “awesome, man. So cool.”
Study: 80% Of Waking Hours Spent Plotting Revenge #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new study published Tuesday in The Journal Of American Psychology, a large majority of the U.S. populace devotes nearly all of their conscious lives to plotting revenge against those they believe have wronged them.
McDonald's Considering Franchising Restaurants After 70 Years Of Being Family Owned And Operated #~# OAK BROOK, IL—More than 70 years after the opening of the first McDonald’s, the world’s largest fast food hamburger chain announced Thursday it may soon begin franchising its restaurants, which until now have always been wholly owned and operated by the McDonald family.
Friday, July 5 #~# Those two kids in town with the dyed hair and the eye shadow will be out walking around smoking cigarettes and looking morose Friday night. Community residents are invited to gawk and shake their heads.
Man Calls Trust Fund Savings #~# NEW YORK—Following a year of fruitless efforts to find a job, unemployed 26-year-old Scott Wesley, who reportedly lives off a $2 million trust fund established by his parents, confirmed Thursday he “still has enough in savings” to make ends meet for the time being. “The job market’s tough right now, but thankfully I have some money put away in my savings account,” said Wesley, apparently referring to the professionally managed investment fund to which his parents have been the sole contributors since his birth. “Obviously, living off your savings isn’t ideal, but I’m not too worried. I’ve been through rough stretches before, and somehow in the end I’m always able to find enough to cover all my expenses.” At press time, sources confirmed the man’s parents had just deposited $30,000 into his checking account.
Nation’s Doctors Classify Obesity As Disease #~# At their annual meeting this week, the American Medical Association officially recognized obesity, which affects about a third of all Americans, as a disease. What do you think?
U.S. To Hold Peace Talks With Taliban #~# American and Taliban leaders confirmed yesterday that they would meet face-to-face this week in the Taliban’s newly opened political office in Qatar to discuss a formal peace agreement to end the 12-year war in Afghanistan. What do you think?
Nation Currently More Sympathetic To Demise Of Planet Krypton Than Plight Of Syria #~# WASHINGTON—According to a national poll conducted by the Pew Research Center Monday, the vast majority of Americans are currently more concerned about the demise of Planet Krypton, the native world of the comic book character Superman recently depicted in the film Man Of Steel, than the devastation currently taking place in the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. “What happened to that place, the tragic loss of life, the horrific images we’ve seen—it’s simply too sad to even think about,” respondent Kathy Ames said in reference to the fictional extraterrestrial world. “To think that entire families were just wiped out in an instant because of a nuclear chain reaction caused by the planet’s unstable core. I just really feel for the people of Krypton.” When asked how she feels about Syria, Ames, along with numerous Americans polled, said, “I don’t know, bad, I guess?”
New Documentary To Finally Shed Light On Nation’s Fast Food Chains #~# WASHINGTON—Americans across the country expressed their excitement Wednesday over the upcoming release of Value Meal, a feature-length documentary that will, at long last, shed some light on America’s fast food restaurant chains. “I’ve always wondered if eating fast food could potentially have some health risks, so I’m looking forward to watching Value Meal and finding out about some of the heretofore unexamined pros and cons of this industry,” said Denver resident David Jarrett, adding that he is looking forward to the documentary exposing the inner workings of the likes of McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s to the general public for the very first time. “Finally, we’ll get a glimpse into how fast food restaurants operate behind the counter—how they produce and cook the food, their treatment of livestock and general farming practices, and the working conditions of their employees, so that I can learn what problems, if any, exist at these establishments. Man, it’s about time someone made a documentary like this, you know?” Reached for comment, extremely anxious executives from every major fast food corporation expressed their terror to reporters that Value Meal may dissuade Americans from ever eating at their restaurants again.
After One Realizes Methadone Clinic Nearby, Behavior Around City Block Makes Sense #~# NEW YORK—Though he was once confused by the number of frail, seemingly mentally unstable people concentrated around the Houston and Broadway area of Manhattan, local man Paul Nichols, 38, told reporters Monday that as soon as he figured out there was a methadone clinic nearby, that pretty much explained everything. “Oh, I get it now,” said Nichols, who, during his walk to work, used to wonder why he would regularly see comatose-looking individuals holding cigarettes and murmuring to themselves. “Makes sense.” After learning of the methadone clinic, Nichols reportedly told his coworkers, who then nodded and said they thought that might be what was going on there.
ESPN Thinks It Can Just Casually Call Something 'Confed Cup' #~# BRISTOL, CT—Expressing confusion and annoyance upon reading the phrase, sources confirmed Wednesday that someone at ESPN thinks it’s okay to call something the “Confed Cup” with no further context or explanation. “The Confed Cup? What is that? What makes them think they can get away with that?” said Lima, OH resident Dan Burrowes, 34, referring to a headline mentioning widespread riots at whatever the fuck the Confed Cup is. “You only abbreviate things if people know what you’re talking about. Like the Pres Cup. It’s pretty easy to guess that’s the Presidents Cup. But you sure as shit don’t go and call anything the Confed Cup. Not unless you’re speaking to a roomful of tennis fans, or Civil War enthusiasts, or whoever is supposed to understand what that means.” Burrowes, who said he didn’t have time to look it up right now, told reporters that he would probably check back later to see who won.
Ecstatic American Indians Praise 'The Lone Ranger' #~# ‘Finally Our Story Is Being Told,’ Tribespeople Say
Fully Leveled-Up Video Game Character Marvels At How Far He's Come #~# WINDHELM, SKYRIM—Having completely filled out his skill tree, obtained every unique item, and successfully completed each quest and subquest within the expansive virtual world of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, fully leveled-up video game character Dagmar Brightbane this week fondly reflected on his substantial accomplishments within the fantasy realm, marveling at just how far he's come.
Audience At Press Conference Relieved To Hear Steps Will Be Taken #~# WASHINGTON—Calling a press conference Wednesday to address a matter of grave seriousness, a major public organization reportedly reassured those in attendance that steps will be taken and that every effort will be made to rectify the problem if one is found to exist. “It’s a relief to know they’re not taking the situation lightly and remain committed to looking into the matter at every level,” said press conference attendee Madeleine O’Hara, who admitted her confidence had been shaken when news of the potentially devastating allegations first broke. “They also said continuing efforts were in place to hold accountable any responsible parties, so obviously that’s great to hear, as is their promise to leave no stone unturned. I’m just happy all proper measures are being implemented, you know?” Several members of the press nodded in agreement, saying the only thing left to do now is tell the American people the good news.
Kidnapping Going Pretty Smoothly #~# ST. LOUIS—While admitting he’d been nervous at first about the seriousness of the felony he was committing, local kidnapper Milt Horton reported Wednesday that his abduction and ransoming of a 7-year-old boy “could not be going any more smoothly.” “To be honest, everything’s been happening just as I planned it,” said Horton, explaining that he had muscled the second-grader into his van with no problems and that the boy had complied when instructed to “shut the fuck up” if he ever wanted to see his family again. “I’ve delivered the ransom note, the money is already on its way, and this whole thing should be over with by 7 p.m. at the latest. Piece of cake! I just wish I’d known it would all go off without a hitch so I could have made some plans for the evening.” Horton then laughed, adding that anyone who thinks kidnappings are riddled with complications has “probably been watching too many cop movies.”
U.S. Citizenry Admits It Could Kind Of Go For Charismatic Authoritarian Dictator #~# WASHINGTON—According to a Pew Research Center poll conducted this week, the overwhelming majority of Americans admitted they would actually be fairly interested in having a magnetic, forceful dictator oversee and control all aspects of American society.
Study: Media Biased In Support Of Gay Marriage #~# A survey found that media stories that focused on support for same-sex marriage appeared five times more often than those that focused on opposition to the issue, while responses on Twitter were far more evenly divided between the supporting and opposing camps. What do you think?
Wednesday, July 3 #~# July 3: Everyone close the windows of your home Wednesday, as the truck with the malfunctioning insect sprayer will be driving around town.
Supreme Court Blocks Arizona Voter ID Law #~# The Supreme Court struck down a controversial Arizona law yesterday that required residents to provide proof of U.S. citizenship in order to register to vote, noting that the rule had kept thousands of citizens off voter rolls because they lacked passports or drivers licenses. What do you think?
Ahmadinejad Signs On As Dean At Sarah Lawrence #~# BRONXVILLE, NY—Building on a decades-long career serving government and academic institutions in his home country, outgoing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad officially accepted a position at Sarah Lawrence College as the next Dean of Students, officials for the private New York liberal arts school announced today. “It is both an honor and a privilege to welcome Professor Ahmadinejad to the administrative team at Sarah Lawrence, to which he brings a wealth of leadership experience and a deep passion for our undergraduate program,” college president Karen Lawrence said of the right-wing Islamic leader and former engineering professor, who will teach two introductory courses in government as well as oversee the Office of Residence life, the Center for Health and Wellness, and the First Year Experience program. “From his first visit to campus in April, it was clear to everyone that Professor Ahmadinejad is a passionate and student-centered leader who understands our commitment to a highly individualized course of study, including our strong focus on the creative and performing arts, and our commitment to a diverse and culturally progressive campus community. We are proud to welcome him to our faculty.” At press time, Dean Ahmadinejad had announced that his first order of business in the fall was to increase campus resources for the Queer Voice Coalition.
Nation Admits It Always A Little Bored By Whole Jimmy Hoffa Thing #~# ‘Why Is This Fascinating Again?’ Populace Asks
Syrian Rebels, Government Think It’s About Time To Call Syria A Day #~# DAMASCUS—Two years into a devastating civil war that has left nearly 100,000 dead, caused incalculable destruction, and all but ruined the prospects of even a tenuous peace, rebel forces and the nation’s government agreed today that it’s about time to call Syria a day and move on. “We gave Syria our best shot; it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work out for anybody, so how about we close up shop on old Syria? Whaddaya say?” said Free Syrian Army leader General Salim Idris, who, like his counterparts within the country’s Ba’athist regime, claimed he had “no problem” with cutting his losses and packing in the war-torn Middle Eastern nation. “Hey, we had a good run. Twelve thousand years if we include the Fertile Crescent days. But at this point I think we can safely put the kibosh on Syria without anyone being too upset about it.” Idris noted that both sides should be sure not to forget their weapons before saying goodnight to Syria, adding that they “would come in handy” wherever the conflicting parties ended up.
NBA Experts Rule Out All The Things NBA Finals Won’t Come Down To #~# Library Books, ‘Hudson Hawk,’ Mail Among Things That Won’t Factor Into Outcome
Italy, Japan Advance To G8 Finals #~# ENNISKILLEN, NORTHERN IRELAND—On the heels of eliminating the United Kingdom in their highly anticipated Tuesday afternoon matchup, Italy has joined Japan to become the first two nations in the G8 Finals, sources confirmed. “Italy certainly looked nervy in their opener, but they shook off the rust and managed to bounce back and advance at France’s expense,” said G8 analyst Nicolas Vermijl, adding that the Italians haven’t been to the final round since the 2006 summit in St. Petersburg. “The biggest surprise thus far is undoubtedly Japan, though. Nobody expected them to get this far, but they came in hot and rode that momentum all the way to the final, upsetting clear favorites Russia and last year’s winners, Germany. They could very well go the distance.” Vermijl also noted that the United States had another disappointing showing at the G8, having been knocked out during the group stage for the third year running.
Financial Sector Thinks It’s About Ready To Ruin World Again #~# NEW YORK—Claiming that enough time had surely passed since they last caused a global economic meltdown, top executives from the U.S. financial sector told reporters Monday that they are just about ready to completely destroy the world again.
Sources: You Don’t Want To Know What Currently Happening To Saudi Arabian Woman #~# JEDDAH, SAUDI ARABIA—Solemn-faced sources confirmed today that you do not want to know anything at all about what is happening at this very moment to 36-year-old Saudi Arabian woman Assi Omran. According to reports, no matter what you think she might be going through, the reality is much worse, and you would unquestionably be better off just tuning this one out and focusing on something else entirely. Experts suggested that even a single glimpse of what she’s enduring right now would become permanently ingrained in your mind and inflict severe emotional damage—especially if you knew what that man is about to do with the hot pan of boiling water he’s just picked up from the stove, Jesus—so, clearly, the less said the better, agreed? Others stated that if you stop to consider that Omran lives in a nation in which she cannot even legally leave her house without the permission of the man presently doing unspeakable things to her, you will likely not make it through the rest of your day without suffering a complete psychological breakdown. In addition, sources said you’ll feel better if you don’t dwell on the fact that 14 million women live in Saudi Arabia and the same thing could happen to any one of them at any time.
Sometimes When Things Get Really Stressful, I Close My Eyes, Sit Back, And Pretend I’m Back In Kenya #~# Leading the greatest country in the world is a demanding job for any one man or woman, and the responsibilities of a U.S. president, day in and day out, are at times profoundly stressful, as the past four years have taught me well. But I take great solace in the support of my family, my trusted advisors, and the fact that whenever the pressure seems unbearable, I can go be alone somewhere and just visualize myself back on the savannahs of western Kenya that I remember so well from my boyhood.
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of June 18, 2013 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Mick Jagger’s Hair Up For Auction #~# A British auction house will sell several locks of Mick Jagger’s hair, which are expected to fetch between $2,300 and $3,100, and which are said to date back to the mid-1960s, when the grandmother of a woman who was then dating the Rolling Stones frontman took some of his hair without his knowledge. What do you think?
Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Have Daughter #~# Kanye West and Kim Kardashian welcomed a healthy daughter into the world Saturday, with the newborn weighing in at less than 5 pounds and the parents saying they would choose a name that begins with the letter K. What do you think?
‘Whitey Bulger Ordered The Murder Of 19 People,’ Reports Anonymous Rat Bastard #~# BOSTON—One week into the criminal trial of alleged mobster James “Whitey” Bulger, reports surfaced Monday that the accused organized crime kingpin ordered the murders of 19 separate people, according to anonymous testimony from a cheese-eating rat bastard who’s about to get what’s coming to him in a big way. “Though he has so far evaded jail time for his numerous criminal acts, I can confirm that Mr. Bulger personally ordered and in some cases himself carried out the killings of 19 individuals,” said the man who just signed his own death warrant, and who sources very, very close to the situation confirmed better not be thinking about showing his face in Dorchester ever again unless it’s in a fucking casket. “While I am aware that my deposition may draw the unwanted attentions of Mr. Bulger and his associates, I believe that this man must atone for his actions.” At press time, sources have confirmed that the gutless snitch’s testimony could pose an immediate risk to his, shall we say, livelihood, given Mr. Bulger’s numerous underworld connections, all of whom are reportedly going to find him no matter how far he runs or how much protection the feds say they’re gonna give him. Recent reports have concluded definitively that Whitey’s got friends all over the world, too, so it don’t matter if this tale-telling bastard is hiding in Brockton or Timbuktu; they’ll sniff his ass out. That’s right, rat. And maybe some of those friends might be sending some guys to tune you up right now. You reading this, you dirty, squeaking rat fuck? If you are, you might want to send a copy of this article to your 9-year-old daughter at sleepaway camp over in Sudbury. We got your attention now, you cocksucking fink? Should have thought about that before you decided to try and fuck Whitey. You don’t fuck Whitey, sources concluded. Whitey fucks you.
New Iranian President Really Impressed With Country’s Nuclear Arms Program #~# TEHRAN—After touring various energy plants and fusion reactors throughout the country, newly elected Iranian President Hasan Rowhani told reporters Monday that he is incredibly impressed with the Islamic republic’s advanced nuclear weapons program. “Wow, I was originally under the impression that we were months if not years away from fully functional nuclear warheads, but they’re all pretty much ready to go,” said Rowhani, adding that he was “really amazed” after seeing enough fully enriched weapons-grade uranium for “hundreds of atomic bombs.” “I had no idea that our long-range rockets and launching mechanisms were so up to speed as well—they’re way further along than I thought. This is great stuff. We should be ready for test strikes any day now.” Rowhani added that he is especially excited about Iran’s recent development of nuclear missiles capable of reaching both Tel Aviv and Washington, D.C.
Nelson Mandela Admits Thoughts, Prayers Of Millions Played No Part In Recovery #~# ‘My Doctors Treated Me,’ Explains South African Icon
Michelle Obama Seen Outside Walking Family Rhinoceros #~# WASHINGTON—Spectators outside the White House received a rare treat this morning when they witnessed First Lady Michelle Obama on the South Lawn going for a stroll with the family’s pet rhinoceros, Chauncey. “Owning a rhino is a lot of work, but all of the Obamas—and especially Michelle—really love Chauncey,” said White House spokesperson Sam Davidson of the 3,000-pound eastern black rhinoceros the family adopted in December after Barack Obama’s reelection promise to “finally get Sasha and Malia that rhino they’ve been wanting.” “And Chauncey really loves them all, too. He sleeps inside the White House master bedroom, he gives Sasha and Malia fun rhino rides, and he always charges at the president whenever he first enters the Oval Office.” Sources confirmed that the Obamas have been considering purchasing a steel cage for Chauncey ever since the rhino accidentally gored Health and Human Services Sec. Kathleen Sebelius earlier this month.
Superman Turns 75 #~# Superman’s legacy began 75 years ago this month with his first appearance in the inaugural issue of Action Comics, and continued last weekend with the release of the blockbuster film Man Of Steel. Here are some of the most memorable moments in the legendary superhero’s 75-year history:
'After Earth II' Tanks At Box Office #~# LOS ANGELES—According to box-office returns, the new Will Smith film After Earth II, the sequel to last month’s science-fiction adventure-drama After Earth, performed disastrously in movie theaters over the weekend. “We had hoped and assumed that audiences would be excited to see how the onscreen father-son relationship between and Will and Jaden Smith would develop in a follow-up film, but admittedly the box-office numbers fell short of our expectations,” Columbia Pictures president Doug Belgrad said of the $145 million sequel, which was filmed simultaneously with After Earth last year and scheduled for cinematic release two weeks after the first film’s premiere. “There were hopes that the introduction of Willow Smith as Zenya Raige, the long-lost little sister of Jaden Smith’s character who was raised on another planet, would pique interest, but that unfortunately does not appear to be the case. There are also some indications that the release date was poorly timed.” Studio executives added that returns for the first and second installments of the film franchise did not bode well for next week’s premiere of After Earth III starring Jada Pinkett Smith.
More White Americans Dying Than Being Born #~# According to the U.S. Census Bureau, for the first time in modern history, more white Americans are dying than being born, with whites predicted to fall below 50 percent of the population by 2043. What do you think?
Happy Father's Day, Dad vs. Thank You, Disappointment #~# Hey, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.
Dad Can’t Believe Lawn Didn’t Get Him Anything For Father’s Day #~# WINCHESTER, VA—Telling reporters that he can’t help but feel a little hurt, 52-year-old local father Trevor Jackson expressed his surprise and disappointment Sunday that his lawn didn’t bother to get him anything for Father’s Day this year. “It’s not like I expect a big production on Father’s Day or anything, but I guess I thought my lawn would get me some sort of little present—a card, at the very least,” said Jackson, adding that as the day went on, he slowly realized he wouldn’t be receiving any kind of gift at all from the grass in his front yard. “I care for it, I buy it anything it needs, I spend every weekend with it, and on the one day that’s supposed to be about me, I don’t even get so much as a ‘Happy Father’s Day’ greeting. I mean, would it kill my lawn to show me just a little appreciation once a year?” Despite his initial frustration, Jackson later confirmed that taking care of his lawn is its own reward, and he was happy to simply have a quiet Sunday afternoon together with the patch of fertilized grass.
NSA: Surveillance Thwarted ‘Dozens’ Of Terrorist Acts #~# The NSA chief claimed that his agency’s phone and internet surveillance programs had stopped “dozens” of acts of terrorism, and the FBI director added that, had the programs been in place at the time, the government could have also prevented the 9/11 attacks. What do you think?
Stunning E3 Announcement Reveals New Video Game Consoles To Phase Out Graphics Entirely #~# LOS ANGELES—According to fans who attended this week’s E3 gaming conference in Los Angeles, representatives for Sony, Nintendo, and other industry heavyweights made the stunning announcement that next-generation video game consoles and devices will completely phase out graphics. “Graphics-free gaming is finally here, and I am thrilled to report that it is indeed the wave of the future,” Microsoft vice president Yusuf Mehdi reportedly told audience members while gesturing to a large black gameplay screen behind him. “The upcoming Xbox One is leading the way in this groundbreaking new paradigm, offering immersive, interactive new worlds brought to life by the latest audio cards and surround-sound technology. Using our intuitive new controllers, microphones, and keyboards, you’ll shout and text your way through fierce battles and fantastical missions, free at last from the cumbersome 3D graphics and lifelike visuals of yesterday’s game consoles. Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the next generation of gaming.” Multiple sources have reported that the most highly anticipated graphics-free game of 2014 is undoubtedly Bethesda Studios’ text-based adaptation of Henry James’ 1881 novel The Portrait Of A Lady.
The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Active Dad #~# Whether your dad loves sports, the great outdoors, or is always on the road, these gifts are guaranteed to wow the most important man in your life.   
The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For Dad Around The House #~# Father’s Day is only a few days away, and what better way to show your dad how much he means to you than with one of these amazing gifts he can always use around the house?
Loose-Knit Community Not Particularly Shattered By Teen’s Death #~# WINDEN FALLS, WA—Just days after a fatal accident claimed the life of high school sophomore Brian Tillerman, members of the 16-year-old’s loose-knit hometown of Winden Falls, WA told reporters Thursday they were not all that devastated by the news of his death.
Man Who Plays Game For Millions Of Dollars Called Gutsy #~# BOSTON—Several sources confirmed Friday that a man who is paid millions of dollars to play a game was reportedly called gutsy and lauded for a “valiant effort” to hit a small white ball with a wooden stick. “With such a plucky performance, he’s showing some real courage at the plate,” said the game’s commentator, noting the spirited determination and daring of the man who sits for hours at a time during the competition. “It’s nice in this day and age to see a player who is so lionhearted. He’s just completely fearless when he’s behind in the count.” At press time, the person who makes a living by talking about the game was describing a ball being caught in a leather mitten as absolutely beautiful.
If Cast And Crew Of Local Production Of ‘The Music Man’ Being Honest, ‘Marian The Librarian’ Number Needs Work #~# GREENSBURG, PA—Saying that the iconic number simply isn’t where it needs to be at this point, nearly everyone involved in The Greensburg Playhouse production of The Music Man agreed Sunday that, if they were being perfectly honest, the song “Marian The Librarian” still needs a good bit of work.
Greatest Moments In Stanley Cup Finals History #~# With the Stanley Cup Finals underway, Onion Sports examines highlights from the 120-year-old NHL championship series. 
Longest-Living Man In Recorded History Dies At 116 #~# Jiroemon Kimura, a Japanese man who was born in April 1897, died Wednesday of pneumonia in his hometown at the age of 116, making him the oldest male known to have ever lived. What do you think?
Facebook Adds Hashtags #~# Facebook began adding hashtag functionality to its website yesterday, allowing users to turn any posted word into a link by placing a pound sign in front of it, which, when clicked, brings up a feed of all posts bearing that hashtag. What do you think?
Office Exiles Menstruating HR Manager #~# ‘Ellen May Return When The Red River Ebbs’
The Government Has No Right To Pry Into What Goes On In The Privacy Of Your Home #~# I’ve been keeping up with the news recently, and as you’ve probably seen, this last week has been marked by several shocking revelations concerning the conduct of the National Security Agency and the federal government’s overall attitudes toward the privacy of the American people.  It’s spawned a vigorous debate, but to me, the answer couldn’t be any clearer: No matter what pretexts the presidential administration might have about protecting the American people, the government simply does not have the right to poke their nose into what goes on in the privacy of your own home.
Report: Waving Objects Behind Basket Has Only Resulted In 3 Missed Free Throws In NBA History #~# DURHAM, NC—A new study published on fan behavior this week revealed that the common practice of waving objects behind the basket to distract free throw shooters has succeeded only three times in the NBA’s 67-year history. “It doesn’t matter if the objects are inflatable plastic noodles, signs that say ‘Miss It,’ or cardboard cutouts of players—waving them around almost never has any effect on the free throw shooter whatsoever,” said the study’s lead author Andrew Townsend, noting that the only three times the strategy worked were St. Louis Hawks point guard Jack McMahon’s second missed free throw against the Celtics on March 2, 1957; Philadelphia 76ers center Darryl Dawkins’ first missed free throw in Game 2 of the 1980 Eastern Conference Finals; and Detroit Pistons forward Tayshaun Prince’s fourth failed attempt against the Chicago Bulls on January 6, 2007. “These are professional athletes we’re talking about. They know how to deal with this stuff. They’re not going to miss just because you’re frantically shaking something.” The study did confirm, however, that shouting “brick” just before a free throw causes players’ accuracy to drop by 20 to 30 percentage points.
Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed #~# GARDEN GROVE, FL—Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak existence. “On paper, he’s a loser with no realistic escape from his ordeal, but for some reason he’s smiling all the time,” longtime friend Peter Gunderson said of the 32-year-old man who is reportedly consumed by neither self-hatred nor feelings of hopelessness. “How does he even get out of bed in the morning? I get depressed just walking into that dimly lit studio apartment of his.” Brewster’s brother Mitch agreed: “For a guy who lives alone and walks dogs for a living, he’s way, way too happy. Things are going much better for me than they are for him, and I’m a nonstop wreck.” While admitting Brewster has never once mentioned seeking the help of a mental health professional, friends said the only logical explanation is that he must have the absolute best therapist on the planet.
U.S. Census Announces Those People Will Be Majority By 2043 #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Thursday by the U.S. Census Bureau, by the year 2043, the majority of the American population will be composed of those people. “Based on future projections of childbearing, mortality rates, and net international migration, we can safely say that the number of those types in this country will double, if not triple, within the next 30 years,” said report co-author and Census statistical analyst Ken Shefner, adding that as the baby boomer generation begins to die off, Americans can expect to see “more and more of those kinds hanging around every day.” “Going even further forward, we expect the U.S. populace to reach 439 million by 2050, of which approximately 54 percent will be made up of, you know…them. You know who I mean.” Shefner stressed, however, that despite the population shift over the next several decades, Americans should expect no large changes to national policy from the federal government.
Advanced Alien Civilization Discovers Uninhabitable Planet #~# CONSTELLATION HYDRA—Dashing the hopes of those among them who believed the faraway world would surely prove habitable, astronomers from the Terxus II star system announced Thursday that a recently discovered planet remarkably like their own is in fact completely hostile to life.
Tiger Woods, Nike Deal Includes New Line Of Sex Toys And Apparel #~# BEAVERTON, OR—Nike CEO Mark Parker officially announced Thursday that the company had agreed to a multi-year endorsement deal with golfer Tiger Woods that includes a new signature line of sex toys and erotic apparel.
Bloomberg Proposes NYC Climate Change Protection Plan #~# Anticipating powerful storms and rising sea levels due to climate change, Mayor Michael Bloomberg unveiled a $20 billion long-term plan that includes building massive floodwalls and creating a man-made island to help shield New York City from extreme weather. What do you think?
A Tent In The Backyard! #~# Why can’t I just camp out in the backyard? Come on, it’s warm enough! Jared could stay over and we won’t be too loud. The neighbors won’t care! Come on! Why not?!
Family Kind Of Concerned At How Fast Dad Ate Father’s Day Gift #~# MUSCATINE, IA—Sources within the Brier family admitted to being "a bit alarmed" this morning after Kevin Brier, 34, consumed his special Father's Day gift of bacon with what his wife and two children are describing as disturbing and grotesque swiftness. "Happy father's d—" said Brier's wife, stopping mid sentence and realizing her husband had already far exceeded the recommended serving quantity of two slices. "Honey…honey, slow down." At press time, Brier had put on his other gifts, a new pair of khakis and a polo shirt, and driven to the supermarket to buy more bacon.
George W. Bush’s Approval Rating Highest In 8 Years #~# George W. Bush’s approval rating has climbed to its highest level since 2005 and he is now seen more positively than President Barack Obama, with 49 percent of Americans viewing the former president favorably and 46 percent viewing him unfavorably. What do you think?
New Ultra-Realistic Xbox Game Has Users Press B Repeatedly To Make Character Breathe #~# LOS ANGELES—In an exclusive preview to fans gathered in Los Angeles this week for the E3 gaming conference, Microsoft officials reportedly unveiled an ultra-realistic new game for their upcoming Xbox One console that requires players to press the B button repeatedly in order to make their characters breathe. “Through the careful and constant pressing of different buttons, players are able to control not only breathing, but a steady heart rate, digestion, and other autonomic body functions as they help their avatars maintain homeostasis and complete their missions,” Microsoft spokesman Michael Drew said of the single-player game, adding that players will use one analog stick to move the left leg forward and the other analog stick to move the right leg forward. “To pump your avatar’s heart, for example, all you have to do is rapidly press the left bumper button, making sure to increase heart rate during periods of increased exercise. And then, of course, a second controller is needed for unholstering and firing your weapon, although players will still have to make sure, using the first controller, that their character is still breathing and his heart continues beating during this period.” Sources at E3 say early feedback for the game has been mixed due to the fact that gameplay begins in the middle of a shootout and you only get one life.
Report: 250 Million Americans Still Need Guests On Their Podcasts This Week #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report out today, 250 million Americans are still scrambling to find someone to appear on their podcasts this week, as the guests they would normally book either just appeared on last week’s episode or are too busy hosting their own shows. “I’ve been trying to book my brother-in-law, who occasionally watches Mad Men and could probably fill some time talking about that, but he just called and said he has to guest-host his buddy’s podcast,” said Robert Healy, host of The TV Robcast and one of the quarter billion podcasters nationwide who cannot secure a guest with whom to engage in 45 minutes of inane banter about politics, food, stand-up comedy, or rock music. “I could run a ‘Best Of Robcast’ special, but I did that last week, and I want to keep it fresh.” The report also stated that no podcasters will consider simply not releasing an episode this week, as not one of them wants to risk losing any of the 14 listeners they have been steadily cultivating for the past year and a half.
NSA Assures Americans That PRISM 2.0 Will Be Way More Invasive #~# FORT MEADE, MD—Members of the National Security Agency told reporters yesterday that if they thought the electronic surveillance program known as PRISM invaded the privacy of law-abiding citizens, the newly updated PRISM 2.0 will be far, far more invasive. “Who you call and for how long? That’s child’s play compared to what 2.0 is going to be able to do,” NSA director General Keith B. Alexander said of the improved information-gathering program, which will not only be able to monitor emails and online chats, but, through satellite technology, will have the ability to eavesdrop on all telephone conversations and record any time an individual logs onto a wireless or 4G network. “PRISM 1.0 was a little glitchy, and now that we’ve smoothed out the bugs, well, your privacy, especially inside your own home, will be a thing of the past. The technology is so good that it will basically be as if a member of the NSA is standing right behind you at all times.” Alexander also said that the next version of PRISM will have a slightly altered name, noting that there will be a Z in place of the S.
Bengals Fan Confident This The Wake-Up Call Pacman Jones Needed #~# CINCINNATI—On the same day cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones pleaded not guilty to assault charges after being accused of striking a woman outside of a bar, local Bengals fan Randall Price reportedly told his friends Tuesday that he’s confident this incident is the wake-up call that Jones needs to turn his troubled career around. “It really seems like he’s going to learn his lesson from this arrest,” said Price of the troubled NFL star who has now had more than 10 brushes with the law. “I’m pretty confident that this actually winds up being good for him and good for the NFL. It provides an example to the rest of the league that after a lengthy suspension and then a few more incidents, a player can finally go on to have a successful career after just one more arrest.” When asked by reporters whether he also saw the off-the-field incident as a wake-up call, Jones made it very clear that he felt “that dumb bitch is lying.”
Michael Jordan Hires Patrick Ewing As Bobcats Assistant Coach To Watch Him Lose More #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Bobcats owner Michael Jordan announced Wednesday that he has officially hired Patrick Ewing as the team’s assistant coach purely to watch the former New York Knicks center lose more. “I’m thrilled to add Patrick to the coaching staff, and I am very happy to once again be the person responsible for Patrick losing game after game after game,” said Jordan, adding that much like their heated rivalry in the 1990s, Jordan will have a front-row seat to watch Ewing consistently fail on the basketball court. “I’m incredibly confident that with our roster of players, and under the tutelage of our head coach, Steve Clifford, Patrick will be frustrated, upset, and constantly question whether or not his team is good enough to reach the playoffs, let alone win an NBA Title. Putting him through that kind psychological torment again couldn’t excite me more.” Sources later confirmed Jordan was also in negotiations to bring on former Cleveland Cavaliers guard Craig Ehlo so that he could “make that guy’s life a living hell all over again too.”
Panicked Studio Delays ‘Man Of Steel’ To Get More Shots Of People Looking Up In Awe #~# LOS ANGELES—Citing a dire need for additional reshoots, visibly panicked officials at Warner Bros. studios announced Wednesday that they had decided to delay the release of the upcoming Superman film Man Of Steel in order to get more footage of people looking up in wonder and awe. “At this time, we have alarmingly few shots of awestruck passersby looking up at the sky, squinting just a touch, and making an ‘I can’t believe what I’m seeing right now’ face, which means we have no choice but to delay Friday’s release indefinitely,” Warner Bros. president of distribution Dan Fellman told reporters, noting that filmmakers are currently rushing to finish a critical sequence in which a man in a business suit lifts his head skyward, exhibits a mesmerized expression on his face, and holds his hand to his forehead as Superman whizzes by. “We have a fair amount of scenes of fathers holding young children in their arms and pointing straight up, but even then, we’re going to need at least another six weeks of shooting in order to get more shots of cab drivers swiftly turning their heads and saying ‘Did you see that?’ or ‘Holy….!’” At press time, officials were reportedly relieved upon learning that filmmakers had completed the film’s final shot in which Superman flies straight into the camera, the screen turns black, and the credits roll.
Report: Many Iraqis Still Holding Petty Grudge About U.S. Invasion #~# WASHINGTON—In spite of the rest of the world long having agreed to move on with their lives, a new report issued Monday reveals that many Iraqi citizens apparently still hold some sort of petty grudge over the U.S.-led invasion of their country.
Nation Mostly Alarmed That Government’s Top Programs Handled By 29-Year-Olds #~# WASHINGTON—Following reports Sunday that the source of the leaked National Security Agency surveillance practices is 29-year-old government contractor Edward Snowden, polls revealed today that beyond concerns about privacy, Americans are primarily distressed that sensitive government programs are apparently being managed by kids who were still in high school when 9/11 happened. “Sure, this raises troubling questions about liberty and security, but what’s really bothering me here is that there are people in very high positions handling national security matters of grave importance who are the same age as my son,” Virginia resident Karen Linder said of the Gen-Y whistleblower. “He’s had, what, six years of experience? Let’s get some older guys in there. How about someone in his 40s who’s lived a little bit, who’s maybe old enough to have voted in more than two elections.” Linder went on to add that she was, however, impressed that the millennial had a job.
Weird Porno Stops At Kissing #~# PASADENA, CA—A local 46-year-old man expressed confusion and disappointment Wednesday after watching what he described as a “really weird” pornographic movie that featured no nudity of any kind and contained only a few brief kissing scenes that never once led to a sexual act. “It’s about this all-American girl-next-door type and her fascination with a sleazy, gray-haired guy, which is usually the kind of thing I’m into, but it turned out to be the strangest porn I’ve ever seen,” said surprised viewer Peter Lindy, explaining that the feature-length 1999 film was based entirely around whether the lead male and female characters will get together in the end, and though they eventually do, “you never see anything close to full penetration.” “I just thought with all the tension between those two, it would turn into a huge fuck-fest, but instead they just make out. At one point, Maggie and Ike exchange a really hot kiss at this wedding rehearsal, and you think someone’s going to step in and Eiffel Tower her or something, but it never happens.” Though perplexed by the film, Lindy confirmed that the final wedding scene was “still pretty hot,” so he was able to get off anyway.
Most Americans Okay With NSA Surveillance #~# A poll found that 56 percent of Americans believe the NSA’s collection of phone record data is “acceptable,” saying that the government’s need to protect against a terrorist attack outweighed citizens’ right to privacy. What do you think?
San Francisco: The City By The Bay #~# This one-of-a-kind place offers food, sites, and people specific to it. There are ways to get alcohol and beds to sleep in at night, and the weather may be favorable depending on when you visit.
Terrorist Living In U.S. Gets Why NSA Spying Such A Complicated Issue #~# UNDISCLOSED—In the midst of the ongoing national debate over the recently revealed NSA surveillance of American citizens, a Yemeni al-Qaeda operative currently living covertly in the United States told reporters Tuesday that he totally understands why the issue is so incredibly complex and multifaceted.
Hillary Clinton Joins Twitter #~# Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who is considered the frontrunner for the 2016 presidential election, joined Twitter yesterday under the handle @HillaryClinton. What do you think?
Guy Typing In All Caps Supports Edward Snowden #~# OMAHA, NE—Calling Edward Snowden both a “TRUE PATRIOT” and an “AMERICAN HERO,” Tony Dewitt, 32, reportedly voiced his unflinching support for the NSA whistleblower Tuesday by using only capital letters in the comment section of a WashingtonPost.com article. “EDWARD SNOWDEN IS THE ONLY ONE WILLING TO UNCOVER THE LIES WE ARE ALL BEING TOLD,” wrote Dewitt, who was furiously banging on his keyboard for several minutes and had misspelled the word “surveillance” 14 times. “JUST LIKE THE FOUNDING FATHERS HE DIDN”T WAIT FOR ANY ONE ELSE#$ TO ACT AND PROTECTED AMERICANS!!!111 NOW THEY WANT TO PUT HIM BEHIND BARS FOR GOOD.” At press time, Dewitt was intensely breathing in and out after reaching the comment box’s 2,000-character limit.
GOP: ‘We Support Our Nation’s 11 Million Latino Criminals’ #~# 'These Lawbreakers Are Part Of Our Country’s Rich Tapestry'
Area Man Outraged His Private Information Being Collected By Someone Other Than Advertisers #~# VIOLA, NY—After a government whistleblower revealed last week that the U.S. National Security Agency is collecting phone records and other data as part of an authorized domestic surveillance program, area man Michael Landler, 46, told reporters Monday that he is outraged his private information is being collected by someone other than advertisers. “I can’t express how infuriated I am that my credit history, phone activity, and online browsing habits are being systematically collected and archived without my knowledge by undisclosed organizations that aren’t trying to sell me products,” said the visibly disturbed man, adding that if his private information isn’t being used by advertisers to create a targeted consumer profile, it shouldn’t be used at all. “As a law-abiding resident of this nation, I have the right to do whatever I want without a shadowy organization recording my every move, unless of course it’s part of an electronic campaign designed to figure out, based on all of my emails and phone conversations, what types of clothes, shoes, and houseware products I like. Then it’s fine.” Sources later confirmed that Landler had posted a Facebook rant on the issue, which had generated a pop-up ad from a company that restores lost PC data.
Renowned Ornithologist Always Secretly Wanted To Be A Bird #~# ITHACA, NY—Though he now enjoys a successful career as one of the nation’s foremost bird experts, distinguished ornithologist Timothy Washburn admitted to reporters Tuesday that when he was young, his dream was to actually become a bird himself. “When I was first starting out, the idea of being the guy who studied birds was the farthest thing from my mind,” said the longtime Cornell University professor, who went on to explain that it was a “fairly difficult” time in his life when he ultimately realized being a bird just wasn’t in the cards. “It was hard letting go of that dream, but really, this is the next best thing—I get to hang around with birds all day. Of course, a part of me will always wonder what it’s like to be the one who’s out there actually flying around, building nests, and migrating south for the winter.” While stressing his commitment to ornithology, Washburn acknowledged that from time to time he does catch himself eating a few earthworms and “thinking about what might have been.”
Patriots To Finally Get Some Media Attention With Tebow Signing #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following news that free agent quarterback Tim Tebow was acquired by the New England Patriots, sources close to the organization told reporters Tuesday that they expect the high-profile signing to at long last draw some media attention to the oft-ignored football franchise. “With a guy like Tebow on board, I’ve got a feeling that we’re finally going to be seeing some cameras in our locker room,” said team CEO Robert Kraft, who aired his frustrations that his small-market football club traditionally has been overshadowed by such media darlings as the Cincinnati Bengals and the Tennessee Titans, adding his personal belief that sports journalists generally hold a bias against East Coast teams like the Patriots. “Yep, this move is going to put us on the map. They might even send over some reporters from ESPN to do a story about us, the New England Patriots. Imagine that!” Kraft added that the presence of a famous player such as Tebow could perhaps lend some publicity to routinely overlooked members of the Patriots organization such as Rob Gronkowski, Bill Belichick, and Tom Brady.
Nothing Gets Me Wetter Than A Monotonous Domestic Routine #~# The libido is a mysterious animal. Everyone’s tastes are different, and what excites one person might be a complete turn-off to another. I’d be hard-pressed to come up with my No. 1 turn-on; there are so many things that can be arousing, from a romantic candlelit dinner, to a kiss, to a loving massage.
HBO Film Reveals Liberace Was Good Friends With Gay Men #~# NEW YORK—According to critics, the new Liberace biopic Behind The Candelabra, which premiered on HBO last month, reveals that the famed musician and performer was good friends with a number of gay men in his personal life. “Everybody knows Liberace for his extravagant wardrobe, virtuosic piano performances, and endearing Midwestern sensibilities, but what a lot of people don’t know, which this film shows, is that Liberace also counted a number of gay men among his close personal friends,” said television critic Jeff Wasser of the film, which shows Liberace, famed pianist and lover of figure-skating champ Sonja Henie, developing friendships with many homosexuals, whom he often invited to his home for dinner, swimming, and conversation. “He was apparently quite progressive in that regard and did not discriminate against gay men in the slightest, despite being a famous ladies’ man. In fact, he would even bestow numerous gifts upon his gay male friends as a token of his friendship.” Wasser added that he particularly enjoyed the film’s portrayal of Liberace’s relationship with his gay chauffeur, who became perhaps his closest buddy.
Vladimir Putin Divorcing Wife #~# Russian President Vladimir Putin and Lyudmila, his wife of almost 30 years who was rarely seen in public, announced their joint decision to divorce last week. What do you think?
Crowd Cheers As 93-Year-Old Fuckup Finally Graduates From College #~# CALIFORNIA, PA—Students, faculty, and attendees at California University of Pennsylvania’s commencement ceremony stood and cheered Sunday as 93-year-old Esther Goodwyn, a fuckup who took seven decades to graduate from college, for Christ’s sake, finally received her diploma. “Esther Marie Goodwyn!” school president Geraldine Jones announced to raucous applause as the lazy woman, who did in 75 years what most people only need four to do, was helped up the steps and guided to the podium. “Congratulations, Esther.” Following the ceremony, Goodwyn gave World War II, raising her children, and caring for her ailing husband as frankly pitiful excuses for why she was unable to receive her diploma on time like a normal person, and reportedly neglected to mention that she is also a grade-A idiot who needed a lifetime to graduate from a school that sure as shit isn’t Harvard.
NSA Whistleblower Flees To Hong Kong #~# Edward Snowden, a 29-year-old contractor working for the National Security Agency, has taken credit for leaking top-secret documents to the press regarding the NSA’s phone and internet surveillance, and has fled to Hong Kong to avoid prosecution. What do you think?
New Study Finds It Is Impossible To Lose Weight, No One Has Ever Done It, And Those Who Are Trying Should Give Up #~# WASHINGTON—According to a groundbreaking new study published Monday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, it is impossible to lose weight, no one has ever lost a single pound of fat through diet or exercise, and those attempting to do so are advised to abandon their weight loss goals immediately.
Ghost Of Alvah Roebuck Enjoying The Hell Out Of Sears’ Decline #~# CHICAGO—Expressing a deep sense of delight and amusement at the corporation’s recently reported $279 million first-quarter loss, the ghost of Alvah C. Roebuck told reporters Monday that he was “really enjoying the hell” out of watching Sears struggle with mounting layoffs and a steadily declining market share. “I have to say, the people in charge these days are complete and utter dimwits, and it’s been an absolute dream come true to watch that turd of a company go down in flames,” said the broadly smiling apparition, acknowledging that he “laughed [his] ass off” at the 170-plus store closings recently carried out by the beleaguered retailer. “The second they stopped sending out those mailers, I knew they’d never make it. It’s tradition! And what the hell is ‘the softer side of Sears’ anyway? If my good friend Richard [Sears] were not burning in hell, he’d be humiliated at the fool they’ve made him out to be.” The flickering specter then shook his head and stated that he could tell “it was all downhill” for the retailer after it discontinued its popular lines of opiates, home anvils, and powdered remedies to suppress women’s hysteria.
Poor Bastard Who Just Wanted To See 'After Earth' Really Taking Shit From Theater Employee #~# STOCKTON, CA—While purchasing a single ticket to see a Monday afternoon screening of the Will Smith film After Earth, poor son of a bitch Evan Whitfield, 38, was reportedly forced to take a load of shit from a theater employee for wanting to see the commercially unsuccessful science-fiction movie. “Wow, you’re actually willing to put yourself through this—you know it’s not too late to change your mind, right?” said the 19-year-old ticket clerk, who reportedly had to act like an asshole about it rather than just hand Whitfield his ticket and let him watch a movie. “You know, I better go make sure they actually fire up the projector this time—I think they’ve taken the last few days off. Good luck finding a seat in there, buddy!” At press time, Whitfield was sitting alone in the movie theater while being mercilessly mocked by the employee sweeping the floors.
George R. R. Martin Kills Off Whole Family #~# SANTA FE, NM—In yet another stunning twist that has reportedly shocked fans and law enforcement officials alike, fantasy author George R.R. Martin surprised Game Of Thrones viewers Sunday night by killing off his entire family, sources confirmed. “Wow, I definitely did not see that coming,” said Atlanta man Todd Franklin after learning that the A Song Of Ice And Fire scribe had mercilessly butchered his wife, two sisters, and countless members of his extended family in cold blood after locking them inside his Santa Fe residence. “To think that he slit the throats of all those major relatives like that, in the blink of an eye, it’s just crazy. He definitely keeps you on your toes, that’s for sure.” While fans of the HBO series were blindsided by the unexpected and brutal murders, longtime readers of Martin’s books told reporters that they were not at all surprised to see the novelist commit such atrocities, as that’s exactly what he did to several other close friends and relatives 12 years ago.
Report: Get Back To Fucking Work #~# WASHINGTON—An alarming new labor report released just moments ago has concluded that you should stop reading this article right now and get the fuck back to work. “The very latest findings indicate that not one word of what you’re currently reading is even tangentially related to your job, and that you certainly weren’t hired to sit around browsing the goddamn internet all day,” an expert familiar with the report said while your eyes continued to scan this block of text instead of tending to one of the many unopened work-related emails in your inbox. “I don’t know how I can make this any clearer: This report is directed specifically at you. You should not be reading this. You should be working, asshole.” The report concluded that while there are 12 million unemployed Americans who would be extremely grateful to have your job, you seem to think you are entitled to use company time to read this article to the very last goddamn sentence.
Lockheed Martin Engineer Told To Make It Sear Faces Off Faster #~# BETHESDA, MD—While reviewing his work on a new project, officials at defense contractor Lockheed Martin told engineer Erik Whitaker that it was looking pretty good, but it should sear faces off more rapidly, sources confirmed Monday. “Right now, it can incinerate most facial features within seven or eight seconds, which is a great start, but we really need to get it to where it can completely eradicate an entire human face in three seconds,” said Whitaker’s project supervisor, adding that it should also be capable of “almost instantly” incinerating the eyes, noses, and lips of as many as 50 individuals in a single blast. “Ideally, we want it to immediately melt off all the skin from the crown of the head to the neck, liquefying the underlying musculature right down to the skull. Once that’s taken care of, all the vital organs and everything else will just fall off the skeleton into one big pile, no problem. So make it do that, okay? Thanks, Erik.” Whitaker’s boss added that the entire three-second process should transpire in half the time for organic targets weighing 80 pounds or less.
Gary Bettman Wondering If He Really Has To Attend Every Game Of Stanley Cup Finals #~# NEW YORK—With the Stanley Cup finals quickly approaching, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman told reporters Monday that he’s starting to wonder if he actually has to attend every single game of the championship series. “There’s no way people are seriously expecting me to go to all of these games, right? That would be ridiculous,” said Bettman, adding that he “[has] better things to do” than sit through up to seven hockey matchups from beginning to end. “I definitely have to show up for Game 1—that’s a given—but after that I figure I can just go to the later games where one of the teams has a chance to clinch it. And I’ll probably arrive in the second or third period for those. Really, I’m not about to spend any more time with this than I have to.” Bettman added that he had already watched a total of five hockey games this season, “which [was] more than enough.”
Features Of Apple's New Streaming Music Service #~# At its annual developer conference this week, Apple unveiled its long-rumored streaming music service. Here are some of its features:
'Archie' To Become Live-Action Film #~# Warner Bros. Pictures will produce a live-action movie based on the 72-year-old Archie comics franchise, portraying the characters of Archie, Veronica, Betty, and Jughead in a modern-day version of Riverdale. What do you think?
Uncle vs. Uncle #~# truTV
Nancy Sullivan #~# Nancy Sullivan pulled an all-nighter and didn’t tell anyone.
U.S. Operating Massive Online Spying Program #~# The National Security Agency admitted to accessing the databases of many of the largest internet companies including Google, Facebook, Apple, and Skype, allowing the agency to mine the contents of emails, photos, videos, chats, and other online data. What do you think?
Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The Mirror’ Better Get His Act Together #~# MARIETTA, GA—Sources at Charley’s Bar and Grille are reporting that local man Peter Kagan, 34, who is currently 30 seconds into a karaoke version of the 1988 Michael Jackson song “Man In The Mirror,” better get his goddamn act together sometime fucking soon.
Paula Deen Releases Delicious New Butter Product Made From Her Breast Milk #~# SAVANNAH, GA—Expanding a retail line that already includes kitchen supplies, bakeware, and cookbooks, television personality and restaurateur Paula Deen today introduced Deen Farms Butter, a delicious dairy product concocted from her own breast milk. “My new butter’s so sweet and creamy, it’s just like a lil’ slice of heaven, y’all,” Deen said in this week’s episode of Paula’s Home Cooking while applying a generous pat of the tangy mammary butter to a freshly baked blueberry muffin. “Now, what I like to do is melt a stick of it in with my macaroni and cheese, and you know it’s just perfect drizzled over of a big ol’ pot of mashed potatoes, too. Dig in, y’all!" Though Deen’s new lactation spread represents her first foray into the food products realm, the chef indicated that she has several other tasty edibles in the pipeline, including Paula’s Perfect Pasta Topper, a rich bolognese sauce made from her own menstrual blood.
Strange New Culture Forming On Other End Of Office #~# HOUSTON—Pointing to the group’s radically divergent behaviors and customs, employees at local software firm Pendant Systems confirmed Friday that a strange new culture appears to be forming among their coworkers at the other end of the office. “Somehow, the account management team has forged a society all its own, one that is markedly different from anything we’ve ever seen among the cubicles on this floor,” product development chief Stephen Cheng said of the curious micro-civilization, noting its inhabitants display highly unique work habits and modes of dress. “Within their isolated community, they appear to have developed their own power structure, and they often communicate in a bizarre, shorthand language of inside jokes that no one from outside the group can understand. They’ve even begun to congregate at an establishment down the street where they meet to have drinks and recount stories from the previous week. It’s truly remarkable.” Cheng added that while it is unlikely his own department and members of the offshoot culture will ever learn to coexist in any meaningful way, it has not stopped several of his own people from attempting to mate with their women.
Three’s Company #~# TV Land
John Tortorella Pacing Around Penn Station Screaming At Total Strangers To Clear Puck Into Neutral Zone #~# NEW YORK—According to confused onlookers inside Penn Station, recently fired New York Rangers head coach John Tortorella is currently wandering around the major rail terminal yelling at complete strangers to clear the puck into the neutral zone. “C’mon! Cover the goddamn high slot and clear the zone!” said a disheveled and slightly off-balance Tortorella, who was reportedly screaming at an elderly couple about to board an Amtrak train to Boston. “Wake up and get the forecheck going right now! I don’t want to hear any excuses—just get out there and either crash the net or move the puck out to point and put some fucking shots on net!” At press time, eyewitnesses confirmed that Tortorella was shouting at travelers in the Grand Concourse to gather around him to talk about the team’s “pathetic penalty kill.”
Susan G. Komen Cancels Half Its Breast Cancer Races #~# Susan G. Komen for the Cure, which is known for its ubiquitous pink-laden breast cancer awareness campaigns, has canceled its three-day charity races next year at seven of its 14 sites around the U.S. due to low participation. What do you think?
NBA Finals #~# The Miami Heat battle the San Antonio Spurs for a chance to lift a trophy.
Government Collects Citizens’ Phone Records #~# According to a top secret court ruling issued at the request of the FBI, Verizon has been ordered to hand over mobile and landline phone records of all of its customers to the National Security Agency. What do you think?
Tim Duncan Argues Theory Of Infinite Divisibility Prevents Any Team From Winning Championship #~# MIAMI—Applying an analytical framework dating back to 360 BC, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan used the concept of infinite divisibility Thursday to argue that, in theory, no team could win the NBA championship. “Given that an initial field of nonzero size is halved by each round of playoffs, it follows that one may make an arbitrarily large number of such divisions, each time yielding another field of nonzero size,” said Duncan, diagramming his arguments in marker on a dry-erase board for his teammates. “Imagine, if you will, a basketball approaching a backboard from 8 feet, then 4 feet, then 2 feet, and so on. Now ask: When is the ball halfway there? This is my point: that the ball is always halfway there, and continues to be so. I know this is all very abstract, but you understand what I’m saying. The NBA playoffs behave asymptotically, approaching a zero limit but never reaching it.” Duncan then asserted that, assuming the dimension of time is similarly divisible, tonight’s Game 1 tip-off would never occur.
30-Year-Old Factors In Birthday Money #~# MEDFORD, OR—While calculating his budget Wednesday, Ben Hollis, a 30-year-old man, carefully factored in the birthday money he’ll receive next month as a way to offset a number of expenses, sources confirmed. “I usually get $100 from my parents, and then there’s a $25 check from Aunt Darlene, and another $25 from Aunt Lorrie, so that’s groceries right there,” said the full-grown adult, who then made a mental note to call his grandparents later that week to talk about his birthday plans so that they’ll remember to send their customary $10 bills. “If Uncle Howie sends something, I might only have to pay half of my phone bill. Then I can get the new Tomb Raider game.” Hollis reportedly reassured himself that if the value of the anticipated gifts falls short of expectation, he can spend his own money on his gym membership, but he’d prefer not to.
Curiosity Rover To Explore Massive Martian Synagogue #~# PASADENA, CA­—Nearly a year after Curiosity’s triumphant Mars landing, scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced today that the NASA rover is preparing to explore a large structure six kilometers south of the Gale Crater, which preliminary reports indicate is an enormous Martian synagogue. “There appears to be a wheelchair-accessible ramp near the main sanctuary entrance by the stone replica of the 10 Commandments, so our plan is to collect samples from there, and then continue past the member services desk to the Lebowitz wing,” project scientist Joy Crisp said of NASA’s plans for the upcoming mission, which also include taking photos of the Jewish Community Center two kilometers southwest of the temple. “If our early thermal imaging and soil samples bear out, it appears as if Martians would congregate in the JCC’s steam room, stop at a nearby delicatessen for lox and bagels, and then file into the synagogue for services. Analysis of some discarded Havdalah candles could mean that not only was there life on the Red Planet, but that it was fully capable of observing the Sabbath.” Crisp added that scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory were eager to analyze a theatrical playbill believed to be from the JCC’s performing arts annex, which, according to the document, staged a popular production of Fiddler On The Roof starring a 12-year-old Seth Schwartz as Tevye.
Shaven, Cologned Grandpa Heads Into Town To Rake In D-Day Pussy #~# RICHMOND, VA—After applying several spritzes of cologne to his freshly shaven face, 87-year-old World War II veteran Roger Sarlo confidently left his home Thursday to go reel in some top-shelf D-Day anniversary pussy, the grandfather of five confirmed. “I have my garrison cap nice and pressed with all the pins on the sides, so now it’s time to head out and get me some of that sweet I-stormed-the-beach-at-Normandy snatch,” said Sarlo, claiming that he expects to be “positively drenched in cooch” by mid-afternoon. “Plus, I dusted off my old military jacket and put my medals right there on the breast pocket. That’s usually guaranteed to get at least one or two pairs of panties sopping.” At press time, Sarlo was saluting an American flag in a local park and “waiting for the beaver train to come rolling in.”
Obama Administration Releases Nation’s Phone Records To Public #~# ‘We Are Making Every Effort To Be Transparent,’ Says President
Gregg Popovich Admits Winning Championship This Year Would Mean About The Same As Previous Titles #~# SAN ANTONIO—After reaching his fifth NBA championship series, Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich admitted to reporters Wednesday that winning this year’s title would mean almost exactly as much to him as the previous four he’s won. “Every time you win an NBA championship, you win one title, and this would be just like that,” said Popovich, confirming that winning a championship is good and “that is what you want to do.” “I’ve won four, but a fifth would be nice. Every title is important, but not more important than the other ones.” At press time, Popovich confessed that preventing LeBron James from winning a second consecutive NBA championship would mean more than all the Spurs’ titles combined.
Study: 83% Of Gamblers Quit Right Before They Would Have Hit The Big One #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study published Monday in the Journal Of Financial Economics, 83 percent of gamblers quit right before hitting the jackpot and striking it rich.
Paul Houseman #~# Paul Houseman, 42, stuck to his wife’s shopping list and refrained from buying a bag of Bugles, even though he really wanted to make witch fingers.
Extinct Lizard Named After Jim Morrison #~# The largest plant-eating lizard ever discovered, a 6-foot, 60-pound species that lived between 36 and 40 million years ago, has been named Barbaturex morrisoni in honor of the late Doors frontman Jim Morrison, who referred to himself as “The Lizard King.” What do you think?
Oklahoma Tornado Was Largest In U.S. History #~# The tornado that struck El Reno, OK last Friday was the widest tornado ever recorded at 2.6 miles in diameter, leaving a trail of destruction 16.2 miles long. What do you think?
'New York Times' Reader Stoked After Noticing Article Penned By Favorite Reporting Duo #~# 'Cha-Ching! It's Michael D. Shear And Jeremy W. Peters Time!'
Nation Wondering What Telegenic, Eloquent Grant Hill Will Do For Money After Retirement #~# LOS ANGELES—In response to small forward Grant Hill retiring after 19 seasons in the NBA, Americans across the country this week reportedly pondered how the telegenic, eloquent, and tremendously likeable Duke graduate will earn money now that his basketball career has concluded. “Hopefully, there’s some kind of opportunity out there for an insightful, highly regarded former professional basketball player who is good in front of the camera,” said Detroit resident Trevor Bowman, expressing concerns that the charismatic NBA expert may not find an outlet for his talents. “It would be perfect if he could get paid to talk about the NBA. I’d definitely be interested in that. Maybe he should do a podcast or something. It sucks because an attractive, personable seven-time NBA All Star with a huge fanbase probably doesn’t have a lot of options.” At press time, executives at ESPN and TNT were reportedly worried about how a soft-spoken, rational-minded former basketball player would be able to find work.
Obama Takes Excited Daughters Out For Day Of Drone-Watching #~# WANA, PAKISTAN—Calling it a chance to get some fresh air and learn about the unmanned aerial vehicles inhabiting the Middle East, President Barack Obama took his daughters Sasha and Malia out to the tribal territories of Pakistan for an exciting afternoon of drone-watching, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Look, there’s one right there,” Obama reportedly whispered as he handed a pair of binoculars to his youngest daughter Sasha, keeping quiet so as not to alarm the RQ-11B Raven drone sweeping past a nearby mountain ridge. “And there’s another—that’s an MQ-9 Block 1-Plus Reaper. You can tell by the markings on its wings. Just a beautiful, beautiful drone. You may not see as many of those as you used to, but around here they’re still the kings of the sky.” According to reports, Obama then told the two girls that if they came back at nightfall, they might get to see a drone attacking its prey.
Man Invisible On Gchat Observes World From Impregnable Perch #~# ST. LOUIS—Having earlier in the day set his Gchat status to “invisible,” local man Jeff Young, 29, reportedly spent his Wednesday afternoon monitoring the comings and goings of his various online contacts as a silent and unknowable observer, espying the world and its madding crowd from his lofty, impregnable perch. “Here I lurk, unseen and yet all-seeing, privy to the deepest and darkest secrets of all who toil below me,” Young said, moments after withdrawing into the virtual shadows, all evidence of his very online existence obscured by an unassuming gray circle in his Gchat sidebar. “I am a watcher of limitless vision, unknown to the watched, gazing with fearsome power and great solemnity upon those pitiable fools whose online presence lies in plain sight. Lo, in my omniscience, I am akin to God Himself.” At press time, Young’s girlfriend had somehow breached his seemingly impenetrable observatory, demanding to know why he was ignoring her.
Street Musician's Mother Really On His Case About Practicing His Buckets #~# NEW YORK—Insisting that if the young street musician doesn’t apply himself more, he’ll never work his way up to a good busking spot in Times Square, local mother Rita Skolnick reportedly told her son Wednesday to “go upstairs right now” and get to practicing his buckets. “When you begged me to get you those buckets, you promised you’d practice an hour every day, and now they just sit there collecting dust,” Skolnick shouted at her son Tyler, 15, pointing at a pair of white plastic buckets in the corner of his room. “You should be setting aside a solid block of time every afternoon to sit down and practice your buckets. That’s the only way you’re going to get better.” Sources confirmed that half an hour later, Skolnick again yelled at her son when she went into his room and found him sitting on one of his buckets and playing video games.
Taylor Swift Enters Alternate Universe To Date Body-Building George Harrison #~# LOS ANGELES—In just the latest in a series of whirlwind romances, sources confirmed today that singer-songwriter Taylor Swift entered an alternate universe parallel to our own earlier this week and stepped out with famed English powerlifter George Harrison. “Taylor was spotted hand-in-hand with the former Mr. Universe on Tuesday night as the two entered West Hollywood restaurant Lucques,” said US Weekly reporter Rebecca Kelly of the blossoming courtship between the 23-year-old recording artist and her new three-time Olympiad beau from a divergent plane of reality. “After dating guys like Harry Styles and Conor Kennedy, Taylor was probably looking for a more muscular hunk like George Harrison. Who can blame her for traveling outside the temporal and spatial dimensions of our world to be with him?” Swift’s relationship with Harrison comes just weeks after the pop star had been spotted in a separate alternate universe with Seattle Seahawks running back Mohandas Gandhi.
Whale Warts #~# Discovery
Marriages That Begin Online More Satisfying #~# A study found that more than one-third of new marriages in the United States between 2005 and 2012 began online, and that these marriages were more satisfying and less likely to end in divorce than ones that started offline. What do you think?
Oscillating Fan #~# Oscillating fan is ready to cool some rooms.
Arena Security Prevents Erik Spoelstra From Celebrating With Miami Heat #~# MIAMI—Following the Miami Heat’s decisive Game 7 victory over the Indiana Pacers in the Eastern Conference championship series Monday night, security personnel at American Airlines Arena reportedly rushed to the floor to prevent Erik Spoelstra from joining the Heat in celebrating their win. “Sir, sir! You can’t go onto the court; celebration’s for members of the Heat organization only. No fans allowed,” head of security Michael Welsh was reportedly overheard telling Spoelstra before he was forced to physically restrain him. “Sir, I do not know who you are, but this is the Heat’s big moment. I’m gonna have to ask you to leave or I’m gonna make you leave. Either one.” Sources later confirmed that as Spoelstra was being escorted from the arena by security, he yelled, “LeBron! LeBron, over here!” at which point LeBron James looked over, saw his coach, and resumed celebrating with his teammates.
Supreme Court: Police Can Take DNA During Arrests #~# The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that police can swab a suspect for DNA during an arrest—though prior to any trial or potential conviction—in cases of a “serious offense,” with Justice Antonin Scalia joining three liberal justices in dissent. What do you think?
Local Laundromat Employs Social Media Coordinator #~# CHESTER, PA—Saying that it was the next logical step for the company, the owners of local laundromat Sudz Cleaners told reporters Tuesday that they had recently hired social media coordinator Dan Elmets, 26, to lead the development and execution of social strategy for the coin-wash laundry business. “Dan’s role is essential to Sudz Cleaners because he not only manages our Facebook and Twitter identities, he also keeps us on top of the latest trending topics and makes us a part of the global online conversation,” said Bill Dunn, co-owner of the self-service and drop-off laundromat. “For example, if something happens with Clorox, we can tweet at them from our account and then repromote on Facebook. And if we get a machine fixed, we can tease it on Instagram with a photo and the caption, ‘Want to wash your clothes? Dryer 5 is open!’ We always try to go with those ‘gotcha’ moments, and that’s where Dan really brings his talent and innovation to the table.” Dunn added that though they are currently allocating $50,000 for just one social media position, they hope to offset the cost by raising the price of laundry detergent tablets in the vending machine by $0.20.
If You Wish To Be A Writer, Have Sex With Someone Who Works In Publishing #~# I have so much sympathy for aspiring writers. Our profession is difficult to master, and the deluge of advice writers receive doesn’t make it any easier: “Write every day,” “Study the works of writers you admire,” “The essence of writing is rewriting,” etc. Such guidance isn’t wrong, exactly, but it certainly misses the big picture.
Miami Heat Unable To Tell If Congratulations Are Sarcastic Or Not #~# MIAMI—After eliminating the Indiana Pacers to reach the NBA finals for the third consecutive year, Miami Heat players were reportedly struggling Monday to determine whether those congratulating them on their victory were being sarcastic. “When people tell me this was an inspiring win by a team with real integrity, I want to believe them, but it’s hard to tell sometimes,” said shooting guard Dwyane Wade, who was unsure how to interpret comments such as the Heat’s dominance is “very, very impressive” and “a great thing for the NBA.” “One guy came up to me after the game and said I was his favorite player on his absolute favorite NBA team, and then he claimed our team was ‘built the right way.’ He was sort of smiling, but I don’t know if he was being sincere. He also said we should be ‘real proud of what we accomplished’ and then added a second ‘real proud,’ which makes me think he didn’t actually mean it.” At press time, Heat players reportedly realized that anyone claiming to be happy to see Mario Chalmers back in the finals was definitely being sarcastic.
Kate Middleton Feels Royal Baby Kicking During Queen’s Coronation Anniversary #~# LONDON—Midway through the ceremony marking the 60th anniversary of Queen Elizabeth II’s coronation, sources close to the Royal Family confirmed today that Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton felt her royal baby kicking inside the womb. “His little highness has apparently been moving around a lot lately, but today the royal mommy-to-be definitely felt the biggest kicks yet!” said Daily Star reporter Prudence Jones. “Her bundle of joy must be really eager to finally come out and meet the world. And with kicks like that, don’t be surprised if the little guy is recruited by Manchester United one day!” Sources later confirmed that Middleton left the ceremony prior to its conclusion after complaining of mild stomach discomfort.
Dollar Tree CEO Officially Unveils Long-Rumored Foil Baking Pan #~# CHESAPEAKE, VA—At a highly anticipated launch event Tuesday, Dollar Tree CEO Bob Sasser ended months of fervent speculation over the latest phase of the national discount chain’s massively popular and influential kitchen products line by unveiling the company’s new foil baking pan.
Indiana Pacers Feel Stupid For Believing In Themselves #~# MIAMI—Following their 99-76 Game 7 loss in the Eastern Conference Finals, Indiana Pacers players confirmed Tuesday that they felt like complete idiots for believing in themselves and foolishly thinking that they ever had a chance against the Miami Heat. “It’s downright embarrassing that every player on this team was actually convinced we were good enough to beat a team loaded with NBA superstars,” said Pacers small forward Paul George, who apologized for getting pumped up by a speech from Indiana head coach Frank Vogel. “What the hell were we thinking? They have LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, and we have David West and George Hill. Nobody on this team has ever averaged more than 20 points a game. When I think about how confident we were during games, I can’t believe we acted so stupid. Deep down we should have believed with all our heart that we would fail.” At press time, George acknowledged that Indiana fans must have been “fucking delusional” to seriously believe in the Pacers.
Asian Guy Has Separate Group Of Just Asian Friends #~# AUSTIN, TX—Local resident Ted Cho has two separate groups of friends, one of which only has Asians in it, the 25-year-old software developer’s non-Asian friends reported Tuesday. “He has the group of friends I’m in—mostly people he knows from work or college—but then he has this whole other set of just Asian friends we’ve never hung out with for some reason,” said coworker Bruce Hollis, 26, noting that Cho is frequently seen in Facebook photos having dinner or drinks with four or five Asian people their age whom Hollis never sees in person. “Sometimes when we invite him out he already has plans with his Asian friends, and we’ll suggest he bring them along. He’ll say, ‘Yeah, maybe we can meet up later,’ but somehow it never happens.” Hollis added that the one time he bumped into Cho with his Asian friends they were all speaking English, so he really doesn’t see what the big deal is.
SPONSORED: Red Lobster: Taking Up The Vanguard In The Fight Against Women In The Workplace #~# ORLANDO, FL—In today’s fast-paced corporate world, it sometimes seems as if the moral fabric of our society has been stretched beyond recognition in the name of so-called social progress. Bowing to the twin demons of feminism and political correctness, many businesses have readily yielded to the pressures of the country’s advancing women’s rights front, allowing their fear of losing a few customers to cloud their judgment and dilute their most fundamental of values.
5 Rules To Survive Falling Skies #~# Brought to you by Falling Skies
App Claims It Can 'Cure' Homosexuality In 60 Days #~# A free app created by the non-denominational Christian ministry Setting Captives Free that claimed it could release users from “the bondage of homosexuality” in 60 days was removed from the iTunes store after widespread public outcry. What do you think?
Put A Ving On It #~# BRAVO
Oh Shit, I Totally Forgot That Happens! #~# As the author of the popular Song Of Ice And Fire series of fantasy novels, it has been a pleasure and a joy to watch Game Of Thrones, HBO’s riveting television adaptation of my work. Every week, the show delights viewers, myself included, with a series of stirring performances, deftly maneuvered feats of visual storytelling, and eye-popping special effects. It truly is a joy to watch my novels—my life’s work—come to life on the screen, rendered with tact, faithfulness, and considerable filmmaking skill.
‘After Earth’ Bombs At Box Office #~# After Earth, a sci-fi adventure starring Will Smith and his son Jaden and featuring a Scientology-related narrative, took in just $27 million last weekend, a small fraction of its $135 million budget and the $100 million Sony spent on marketing. What do you think?
Angelina Jolie Stuns In First Rollerblading Competition Since Double Mastectomy #~# ARCADIA, CA—Famed actress and activist Angelina Jolie wowed Grindside Street Comp spectators Sunday in her first public aggressive inline skating competition since undergoing a preventive double mastectomy earlier this year. “I think a lot of people were wondering what it would be like when she got back out there on the half-pipe again, but her performance was flawless—she’s a world-class blader, and she proved it today,” fellow women’s vert competitor Cecilia Gonzales said of 37-year-old Jolie, who reportedly dazzled the crowd with an inspiring arsenal of stunts including a top-acid turn, an alley-oop unity, and a stunning double backflip. “When she opened with a frontside I figured she was just going to take it easy, but then she goes and pulls a sick mizou with a 540 hurricane. And I was just like, ‘Damn. Still got it.’” When interviewed after receiving third place in the women’s vert event, Jolie told reporters it was great to be back and urged young skaters to consider the importance of proper training and protective gear.
Vain Galápagos Tortoise Trying To Pass For 90 #~# TORTUGA BAY, GALAPAGOS­—Saying the aging reptile is “really embarrassing himself,” leading herpetologists expressed embarrassment Monday on behalf of Old Bill, a local giant tortoise who reportedly makes tremendous efforts to appear several decades younger than his actual 120 years. “Yeah, he’s not fooling anyone at this point,” said Dr. Ann Schoenherr of the Charles Darwin Research Station, claiming Bill has had his vertebral scutes brightened and often stretches his neck out in a futile attempt to make it look slightly less wrinkled. “The fungal growth on his carapace is a dead giveaway. It’s time for him to be honest with himself, accept his faded shell markings, and try to age with a little bit of dignity.” Schoenherr’s colleagues concurred, saying the tortoise should just relax and make the most of the 30 or 40 years he has left.
New Liver Complains Of Difficulty Working With Lou Reed #~# NEW YORK—Just weeks after being transplanted into Lou Reed’s abdomen, a 3.5-pound donor liver voiced complaints to reporters Monday about the difficulty of working with the “temperamental” rock legend. “It’s really hard to get along with Lou—one minute he’s your best friend and the next he’s outright abusive,” said the vital organ, describing its ongoing collaboration with the former Velvet Underground frontman as “strained at best.” “He just has this way of making you feel completely inadequate. I can tell he doesn’t respect me at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s already thinking about replacing me.” The liver admitted it was considering ending its detoxification sessions with the 71-year-old recording artist and just letting him synthesize proteins and digestive biochemicals on his own.
Eric Holder Loads iPod With AP Phone Conversations For Morning Commute #~# WASHINGTON—While preparing to leave for work Monday, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder reportedly loaded up his iPod with dozens of Associated Press reporters’ confidential phone conversations to enjoy on his morning commute. “It usually takes me about 30 minutes to get to the office, so I’ll have something to listen to to pass the time,” said the Justice Department head while transferring the wiretap recordings taken from dozens of AP journalists’ work and cell phone lines from his home computer to his mp3 player. “It’s nice to just sit back and listen to a few secret conversations between reporters and their classified sources. Lately I’ve been getting into [AP Middle East correspondent] Bassem Mroue’s stuff. His off-the-record calls with top intelligence officials are awesome. It’s like he’s just having a conversation with these people and I’m lucky enough to listen in.” Holder added that he’s saving a really lengthy call between Washington Post executive editor Martin Baron and CIA Director John Brennan for a cross-country flight he’s taking Friday.
12-Year-Old Camper Excited To Meet Girls Who Will Torture Her For Rest Of Summer #~# MT. LEBANON, PA—While enjoying the first day of her four-week stay at North Winds Summer Camp, 12-year-old Tracy Rowley told reporters Monday how thrilled she is to meet her fellow girl campers who will spend the rest of the summer mercilessly teasing and harassing her. “I’m really looking forward to spending time with all the girls in my bunk—it’ll be really fun to stay up and talk every night after lights out,” Rowley said of the girls who will constantly make fun of her weight, call her “Brace-Face Trace” at every opportunity, and cause her to cry several times a week. “We’re going to be like sisters!” Reached for comment, Rowland’s parents told reporters that their daughter, whom they will be forced to pick up and bring home halfway through the camp session, will have a really fun and memorable summer at North Winds.
Chuck E. Cheese's Announces New Lower Prices, But The Restaurants Will Be Dirtier #~# IRVING, TX—Promoting itself as “America’s best value in family-friendly fun,” pizza restaurant and entertainment center Chuck E. Cheese’s announced a steep drop in its prices Monday, explaining the cost would be offset by a chain-wide lowering of hygiene standards. “We’re reducing the price of our food and making the games cheaper, but the entire establishment, from floor to ceiling, is going to be much, much dirtier,” said CEO Michael Magusiak, who confirmed that due to reduced standards of cleanliness, parents will now be required to sign a waiver before their children can go down a slide, jump in the ball pit, or touch any of the games in the arcade. “So just to be clear, there’s a trade-off here: While you’ll be paying less, your experience will also be pretty disgusting. Basically, we’re giving our bathrooms one quick swab at the end of the day and passing the savings on to you.” Magusiak added that all Chuck E. Cheese locations would make a small bottle of hand sanitizer available to their customers in exchange for 4,000 Skee-Ball tickets.
Most Buzzed-About Kickstarter Campaigns #~# Last week, the popular crowdfunding website Kickstarter announced the launch of its 100,000th campaign, having collectively raised a total of $631 million in its three years in operation. Here are some of the most notable projects funded through the site: 
4 In 10 U.S. Households Headed By Female Breadwinners #~# According to U.S. Census data, women are now the sole or primary income-earners in 40 percent of American households with children below the age of 18, which is up from 11 percent in 1960. What do you think?
Netflix Gently Reminds 'Arrested Development' Fans That New Episodes Of The Show Won't Actually Solve World's Problems #~# LOS GATOS, CA—As widespread anticipation for the May 26th premiere of the new season of Arrested Development mounted, on-demand media provider Netflix delicately cautioned fans not to get too excited for the series, seeing as it is of course a television program and not an actual solution to any of the world's various catastrophic problems. "While we are glad that viewers are excited for Arrested Development—and we are excited as well—I would like to quickly remind people that we are talking about a TV show here, and not, say, a cure for cancer, or a technology that would reverse the ruinous effects of climate change," said Netflix CEO Reed Hastings, gently adding that the acclaimed show will not even begin to address any of the personal or socioeconomic problems that human beings, including each and every viewer, experience on a daily basis. "Also, war, famine, poverty, inequality, and political inefficacy will continue to exist after the premiere of this show and will not in any way be remedied by the admittedly highly amusing misadventures of the Bluth family. It's good to be happy but, you know, maybe think about taking it down a notch." At press time, not a single fan of Arrested Development was paying even one moment's attention to Netflix's announcement.
Chris 'Birdman' Andersen #~# Miami Heat power forward Chris “Birdman” Andersen has shot 37 for 43 during the NBA playoffs. Is he any good?
Fans Of Green Screens, Incredibly Fake-Looking Things Express Love For Modern Cinema #~# NEW YORK—Self-proclaimed fans of artificially sleek movies that at no point appear as though they contain real human beings onscreen in real locations doing real things expressed their ongoing appreciation for modern filmmaking today, sources confirmed. “We live in a veritable golden age for films featuring performers hoisted up on wires in front of green screens and talking to inanimate objects that will later be replaced in post-production with oddly humanoid, cartoonish CGI characters,” film aficionado Kevin Wu told reporters, expressing his abiding passion for today’s movies that essentially look like above-average video games. “If you’re like me, and you like nothing more than chaotic, ugly-looking scenes of computerized carnage where you can practically see the mouse cursor hovering over the movie screen at all times, then this truly is the greatest time in history to be a moviegoer.” Wu added that he often shudders at the thought of how supremely awful cinema must have been before the advent of CGI.
Is Bradley Manning A Hero Or A Traitor? #~# Yesterday, a military judge convicted Army Pfc. Bradley Manning of violating the Espionage Act, but acquitted him on charges of aiding the enemy. Manning, who leaked more than 700,000 classified documents to WikiLeaks in 2010 and now faces up to 136 years in prison, is being hailed by some as a hero for his whistleblowing and a traitor by others for compromising national security. Here are the cases the two sides are making:
Bashar Al-Assad Introduces Syrian Bike-Sharing Program #~# DAMASCUS—Saying that the initiative will reduce vehicle traffic, improve local air quality, and foster a strong sense of community, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced Tuesday that city transportation authorities across the nation will soon launch SyriaCycles, a new bike-sharing program allowing urban residents to access bicycles for short-term trips without worrying about storage or maintenance. “Transportation is a key factor in the quality of life for any urbanite, and SyriaCycles ensures that city-dwellers all over the country can travel conveniently and efficiently; it’s fast, easy, and fun,” Assad said of the new transportation system, explaining that commuters can pay daily or yearly subscription fees to access a fleet of one-size-fits-all bicycles stationed at hundreds of rental hubs across numerous Syrian cities. “All you have to do is look for the row of orange-and-gray bicycles, unlock your ride with your unique CitiKey, and you’re on your way! And of course, in the interest of safety, we would like to remind all SyriaCycles members to always wear their bike helmets.” Assad added that he hopes 2013 in Syria will be remembered as the Year of the Bicycle.
Ben & Jerry’s–Inspired Porn Barred From Release #~# Following a legal settlement with Ben & Jerry’s, porn studio Caballero Video will not release its Ben & Cherry’s line of pornographic videos, featuring such titles as Peanut Butter D-Cup and Boston Cream Thigh, and which used packaging and slogans similar to that of the ice cream company. What do you think?
Dick Van Dyke Finally Confesses To Zodiac Killings #~# MALIBU, CA—Saying he had wanted to talk about the subject for years but feared it would damage his career, beloved entertainer Dick Van Dyke confessed Wednesday to being the infamous Zodiac Killer, the serial murderer who terrorized Northern California more than four decades ago.
Car Dealership Giving Serious Thought To Ending Sponsorship Deal With Jerry Sandusky #~# ALTOONA, PA—Admitting that the promotion has not been as successful as they would have hoped, salespeople at Mattingly Perkins Automotive told reporters Wednesday that they are giving serious thought to putting an end to the car dealership’s sponsorship deal with convicted pedophile and current spokesman Jerry Sandusky. “With as much as people around here love the Nittany Lions, we figured taking a former Penn State football coach and making him the face of our business was a surefire move, but I have to say that the reception so far has been pretty lukewarm,” said senior sales manager Ralph Perkins, referring to the dealership’s ongoing arrangement with Sandusky, in which the alleged child molester’s image and personal testimonials have been used to plug new and used sedans, pickup trucks, and SUVs. “Frankly, a lot of our customers appear extremely disgusted that we’ve chosen to go this route, but at this point it feels like we’re pretty committed to the promotion. I mean, that giant inflatable Sandusky out front cost us a good two grand, and we’ve got like 15 cardboard cutouts of him set up in the showroom. But unless we start moving some serious volume, we may want to at least weigh our options.” Perkins added that management was also considering a move to pull a locally aired commercial in which Sandusky drives up to the dealership in a flashy convertible, hops out to kick a football squarely through the uprights, and then celebrates with dozens of ecstatic children.
Open Dialogue Two Americans Having About Race Pretty Hilarious #~# POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—Citing the pair’s “earnest expressions” and “apparent belief in the power of honest dialogue,” sources said Tuesday that the open-minded, nonjudgmental conversation two Americans are currently trying to have about race in the 21st century is pretty hilarious. “Our racial identities are an integral part of who we are, and while we can’t ignore that there are differences between us, we can still engage in a meaningful discourse,” said one of the two individuals, both of whom spoke in thoughtful tones and used hand gestures that made their laugh-out-loud discussion of genuine understanding between the races even more hysterical. “I disagree with some of your perspectives, but I respect you and want to learn more about where you’re coming from.” The sidesplitting exchange reportedly reached its uproarious climax as the two Americans nodded toward each other and agreed that “this is how change happens.”
Report: Alex Rodriguez Has Asked 4 In 5 Americans For Steroids #~# NEW YORK—As evidence of doping continues to mount against the 14-time MLB All-Star, reports surfaced Wednesday confirming that throughout the course of his 19-year career, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has sought steroids from roughly 4 in every 5 Americans. “Oh, A-Rod? Yeah, he came up to my friends and I at the gym a few weeks ago and asked if we had any HGH,” said 36-year-old Columbia, MD accountant Daniel Caballero, one of approximately 250 million Americans whom Rodriguez has discreetly petitioned for performance-enhancing drugs on at least one occasion. “He also asked my neighbor Greg for something called Primobolan a couple years back, and when my 9-year-old niece got his autograph at an Orioles game, he slipped her a note that said to get in touch if she knew where to score any undetectable anabolic steroids.” According to numerous sources, Rodriguez has also requested clean urine samples from an overwhelming majority of the U.S. populace, including 29-year-old Pittsburgh financial analyst Jennifer Pratt in 1999, Denver-based retiree Martin Nedari in 2006, and Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig in 2011.
Drone Blimps To Protect Washington, D.C. #~# Within the next year, two 242-foot-long, $2.7 billion helium blimps will be deployed into the skies above Washington, D.C., using advanced radar and computer processing to detect any incoming missiles or other threats headed for the nation’s capital. What do you think?
Albino Tracker #~# Fox
Publicist’s Single Dream In Life For Nation To Have Wes Bentley Fever #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying that she wants nothing more than for her client to gain the fame and notoriety he deserves, Hollywood publicist Kelsey Schumacher told reporters Tuesday that her greatest single dream in life is for the nation to be overtaken by Wes Bentley fever. “If I don’t ever have a family, or ever get to travel, or fall in love, that will be fine as long as I can ramp up Wes Bentley’s buzz and ensure that he takes the world by storm,” Schumacher said, adding that her life will be rendered meaningless if the Jonah Hex and American Beauty actor’s face doesn’t constantly appear on the cover of celebrity gossip magazines with captions such as “Wes Bentley Shows Off His Killer Beach Bod,” “Wes Wows On The Red Carpet,” and “Behind The Scenes Of The Latest Wes Bentley Movie.” “My most deeply held hopes and wishes would be fulfilled if we somehow lived in a world where people were clamoring for all the Wes Bentley they could get, where Wes Bentley would have to turn down talk show spots because he’s been double-booked, and where directors would bend over backwards to get Wes Bentley in their projects. If that happened, my existence on this earth would make sense.” At press time, Schumacher was attempting to foster a groundswell of social media attention for her client by getting the hashtag #WBent to trend.
Email From Coworker Trying To Organize Office-Wide Social Outing So Unbearably Sad #~# ATLANTA—According to employees at Polaris Marketing, an email sent today by coworker Tim Voss, 31, trying to organize an office-wide social outing after work is just so incredibly sad. “Hey guys, this is happening, so I’ll need to know soon who’s in and who’s out so I can get tickets,” read the first message in an incredibly depressing thread of emails that reportedly included heartbreaking suggestions to eat dinner beforehand, horribly painful updates about ticketing procedures, and repeated calls for head counts, which fellow employees described as “too pathetic to even read.” “Okay, so the 6:15 show is sold out, but there’s another one at 7:45, which means we can either hang out beforehand or meet there. Does that sound good? Let me know in the next 15 minutes so I can order tickets on Fandango.” At press time, sources confirmed that numerous employees had exchanged distressed private emails with each other asking, “Are you going to this?”
Border Patrol Finds Pot On Bieber Tour Bus #~# U.S. border patrol agents reportedly found marijuana on Justin Bieber’s tour bus as it passed from Canada into Detroit Sunday, though Bieber himself was not on the bus at the time and made his scheduled performance later that night. What do you think?
Politician Spots Young Female Aide, And So It Begins #~# WASHINGTON—While attending a legislative strategy session this afternoon, Virginia congressman Alan James reportedly caught sight of a young female aide in attendance and, ah, sources confirmed, so it begins. “Hi, I’m Representative James—it’s a pleasure to have you working with us,” the 48-year-old politician reportedly said to the recent college graduate following the meeting, eliciting from her a shy, flattered response and a flush of her cheeks, the first soft steps in a delicate dance that has unfolded with elegant precision time and again for untold generations. “I have a good sense about these things, and I can tell that you’re going to be an important member of our team, and I’m going to personally make sure you’re involved in all aspects of my policies and campaign. I very much look forward to working closely with you.” With the fated events set in motion, sources reported that the congressman moved on to the requisite second movement of the time-honored performance, in which he retired to his office and told his manager to call his wife to tell her he had to work late.
Quiet Loner Really Comes Out Of Shell At Gun Store #~# JACKSON, MS—Though he remains quiet and reclusive in nearly all other situations, local resident Frank Collins “really brightens up and comes into his own” when he visits Larry’s Guns & Ammo in downtown Jackson, relatives of the 22-year-old reported Tuesday. “He won’t say three words to you all day, but once he steps into that gun shop he’s like a flower blooming in spring,” said Collins’ father Paul, explaining that in the store his son will immediately start pointing around and saying “I’ll take one of those, two of those, and how much is it for 1,000 rounds of ammunition?” “He’s always full of questions about reload times, stopping power, magazine capacities—you name it. You’d never believe he was the same kid who spends all weekend indoors with his blinds drawn. Going there seems to be really healthy for him.” Gun store employees confirmed Collins suddenly grows distant and withdrawn when they take a few minutes to perform his federally mandated background check, but always perks right back up again the moment his purchase is approved.
Fucking Loser At Movie All By Himself #~# NEW YORK—Sources are confirming that a sad fucking loser, who many speculate has no friends or anyone in his life to talk to, is currently attending a 1:30 p.m. screening of the film Red 2 all by himself.
Woman Flattered Complete Stranger Would Say Something So Nice About Her Tits #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Blushing in pleasant surprise after receiving the admiring attentions of a pedestrian Tuesday morning, local woman Maley Phillips, 25, told friends she was genuinely flattered when an absolute stranger approached her and said the nicest thing about her tits. “They say chivalry is dead, but without any prompting or encouragement, this man on the street—someone I had never met in my life—came right up to me and complimented me on my breasts,” said Phillips, noting that the amorous gentleman paid further praise to her figure by calling on other passersby to “get a load of that rack” and check out her “sweet ass.” “And to think I’d just been walking along with my head down trying to ignore everyone in my path. It’s really nice to know there are people out there kind and thoughtful enough to tell me they want to motorboat my huge tits. It made my whole day.” At press time, Phillips’ delight had reportedly been extended when the man trailed her for an additional 50 feet and flirtingly asked where she was going.
Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks Restart In D.C. #~# Following months of diplomacy by Secretary of State John Kerry, high-ranking officials from Israel and the Palestinian territories resumed direct peace talks Monday in Washington, D.C., the first time the two sides have met in five years. What do you think?
History Of The Catholic Church’s Views On Homosexuality #~# Marking what could be a significant change in the Catholic Church’s official stance on homosexuality, Pope Francis said Sunday, “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?” Here are some notable ways the Church’s views on homosexuality have evolved over the years:
Pope Signals Acceptance Of Gay Priests #~# Pope Francis said today that he would not judge gay priests so long as they are faithful and have good will, claiming that it is Catholic teaching to treat homosexuals with dignity. What do you think?
Zoologists: Ape Neurology Much Like That Of Banana-Obsessed Humans #~# AUBURN, AL—According to a new study published Monday by zoologists at Auburn University, the neurological framework of an ape is in fact incredibly close to that of a human being who is obsessed with bananas. “Though their brain size and specific cerebral functions differ, apes share a striking and uncanny common neurological bond with humans who spend the vast majority of their waking life thinking about bananas,” said lead researcher Dr. Leonard Franklin, adding that the pleasure center in the frontal cortex of both a banana-obsessed human and an ape light up almost identically at the mere sight of even a picture of a ripe, yellow banana. “While we had always guessed that there was a strong similarity in the brain activity of the average adult ape and the average human being who maniacally covets bananas all day, every day, these results go far beyond our earlier assumptions. You can clearly see the stark similarities when you present either with an actual banana. In both cases, their pupils will swiftly dilate, they will emit an excited grunting sound, and they will wildly swat at the fruit in an attempt to grab and eat it. It’s extraordinary.” Franklin also speculated that humans share a close link with chimpanzees who are riddled with constant anxiety and depression.
Merger Of Advertising Giants Brings Together Largest Collection Of People With No Discernible Skills #~# NEW YORK—In a historic announcement that analysts say marks major changes for the advertising industry, senior leadership at Omnicom Group, Inc. and Publicis Groupe SA outlined plans on Sunday to merge the advertising giants into one firm, bringing together the largest collection of people with no discernible skills whatsoever. “With thousands of employees and billions of dollars of assets between them, the consolidation of Omnicom and Publicis will create an intimidating workforce of 135,000 utterly talentless men and women who are not marketable in any industry other than their own and whose jobs add zero value to society at large,” market analyst Mark Goodnough said of the planned $35 billion merger, adding that not a single person involved in the merger has ever made anything with his hands, knows anything about information technology, or is capable of doing quality writing or research. “These two ad behemoths will have the industry’s largest and most formidable talent pool of people called ‘creatives’ who have never created a single thing in their lives and whose only apparent ability is to trick other people.” At press time, over $500 billion was spent on advertising last year.
Tech Is The Future, Reports Local Dad #~# NAPERVILLE, IL—Beginning his remarks by saying “These tech guys, I’ll tell you what,” local dad Alan Estlin stressed in conversation with his daughter today the important role he foresees the technology industry playing in the future. “Tech: that’s where it’s at,” said the 48-year-old tile supplier, adding that “kids today should all be going to school for tech” and that “a few years down the road, it’ll all be tech.” “Computers. The internet. Anyone with half a brain can see things are heading in that direction. And it’s all in California; that’s where it’s happening.” Sources say Estlin elaborated on his projections for the technology sector for upwards of 10 minutes, concluding that “in this job market, if you get a degree in computers, they’re gonna be banging down your door.”
Pit Of Komodo Dragons Shocked To Discover Billionaire Who Owns Them Is Just 26 #~# NEW YORK—While lying dormant in their 12-foot-deep, climate-controlled pit earlier this morning, the nine Komodo dragons recently purchased by local billionaire Kyle Edmunds were stunned to discover that the obscenely wealthy magnate who owns them is just 26 years old. “I guess I always assumed we were the novelty pets of some old, eccentric oil tycoon type, but apparently, this Kyle kid was born in fucking 1987,” said one member of the surprised pack of Indonesian monitor lizards, adding that he couldn’t believe they were the fanciful, spectacularly expensive whim of “some twerp in his mid-20s.” “He and his dork friends made some sort of app in college, I guess, and now he has a giant pit filled with Komodo dragons in his mansion. I mean, I thought we belonged to, like, Warren Buffet, or at least some crazed South American drug lord. But this kid?” At press time, the Komodo dragons were reportedly devouring the large carcass of a young water buffalo while shaking their heads and muttering, “The guy’s name is Kyle, for Christ’s sake.”
25 Years Of ‘The Rush Limbaugh Show’ #~# Rush Limbaugh’s eponymous national radio show celebrates 25 years in syndication this Thursday. Here are some of the major moments in the conservative pundit’s controversial career:
Vatican Quickly Performs Damage Control On Pope’s Tolerant Remarks #~# VATICAN CITY—Following Pope Francis’ tolerant remarks Sunday about homosexuals and the Catholic Church, Vatican officials reportedly went into crisis mode, announcing that the Pope’s thoughtful message of understanding was clearly taken out of context. “It is not the official stance of the Pope or the Catholic Church that all people of good will who seek the Lord, especially gay people, should be accepted by Christ,” a visibly nervous Vatican spokesman told reporters, adding that the Holy Father was clearly tired after his long trip to Brazil and never meant for his comments to sound caring or realistic. “Homosexuality is a disorder. And this in no way means that, going forward, the Catholic Church will be an open-minded, more sensible organization. I assure you we are just as prejudiced and backward today as we were yesterday. Thank you.” According to an anonymous source close to the Vatican, the Pope is currently being yelled at by Church officials, who are telling him, “You don’t just go off script like that. Who the fuck do you think you are?”
Report: Only .00003% Of Things That Happen Actually Matter #~# WASHINGTON—Despite the sense of importance virtually all people place on the details of their day-to-day lives, a new report out this week from the Pew Research Center found that only three in every 10 million things that happen actually matter. “For example, in the entire 20th century, the only events that really made any difference of any kind were the Holocaust, the invention of the atom bomb, civil rights, and at most one or two other things,” the report read in part. “Meanwhile, our research found that how much caffeine you drink, your kid’s soccer game, what time the supermarket closes, where you go on vacation, weekend box-office returns, who shot JFK, and your taste in design do not matter in any way, regardless of your level of interest in them. In fact, the last thing that actually mattered at all was 9/11.” Pressed for comment, Pew researchers acknowledged that their new report was not among the .00003 percent of things that matter.
Husband Experimenting With Open Marriage #~# BAR HARBOR, ME—Saying that he has reached a point in his married life where he’s ready to “shake things up a little,” local husband Aaron Elsburg told reporters Monday that he has decided to pursue an open marriage. “Claire and I have been together a long time now, and I think a great way for us to show our love and trust for each other would be for me to start seeing other women,” said the 34-year-old Elsburg, adding that “a lot of people do this and say it works wonders for their marriage.” “I just figure we’ll try having me sleep around, see how it goes, and then evaluate how we’re doing in a couple of months. Ultimately, I’m hoping that my having sex with other people will make me feel closer to Claire.” Reached for comment, Elburg’s wife shrugged, explaining that she herself had been carrying on an open marriage for the past five years.
Under the Dome #~# CBS
Tall Women At Higher Risk For Cancer #~# According to a new study, tall postmenopausal women are more likely to develop cancer than shorter women, with researchers finding that every 4-inch increase in height correlated to a 13 percent higher risk of a variety of cancers. What do you think?
Bob Skylar and Elizabeth Honing #~# Bob Skylar, 33, married Elizabeth Honing, 28. But why? Can someone please answer that?
School Of The Arts Aims To Transform Boys And Girls Into Insufferable Young Men And Women #~# FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting that its incoming class of high school freshmen is their most coddled to date, instructors at Chestnut Ridge Academy for the Arts told an education conference this week that its mission is to take bright, precocious boys and girls and transform them into insufferable young adults. “Here at Chestnut Ridge, we are dedicated to providing artistically gifted young people with the resources they need to blossom into entitled, condescending men and women with an inflated sense of self-importance and accomplishment,” Principal Madeleine Healey told conference attendees, noting that the school has already graduated thousands of budding young narcissists with zero sense of shame or perspective. “Of course, many of our students are already immensely smug and self-satisfied when they arrive. But after years of only talking about themselves and receiving undeserved praise from everyone around them, they’ll leave our doors more pompous and unbearable than we ever thought possible.” Healey added that anyone skeptical about the merits of an arts education should examine the school’s track record, as their alumni have gone on to have completely bullshit careers in the arts all over the world.
Lincoln Memorial Vandalized With Green Paint #~# Police closed the Lincoln Memorial early today after discovering that vandals had splattered green paint along the base of the iconic statue of 16th president Abraham Lincoln, as well as on the monument’s marble floor. What do you think?
Baby Can Already Tell Crib He’s In Going To Be Recalled #~# CRESTON, IA—Saying that he detected the "telltale signs" the first time he lay down in it, local infant Joshua Singer told reporters Friday that he can already tell his defective crib is going to be recalled. "Man, this one's a real piece of work; I can actually feel it moving from side to side while I’m in it," the 6-month-old said, pointing to several hazardous design flaws in his wooden cradle that he speculated would lead to its mass recall in the near future. "These railings are splintering on the edges and they're way too far apart—I can get out of this thing no problem. And I don't like that weird metallic smell one bit. That has to be toxic, right? Really, it's only a matter of time before we’re watching a news story about this make and model on CNN." At press time, Singer was idly gnawing on the thin strands of polyester filling protruding from his crib's mattress.
Notable Sports Suspensions #~# With the MLB suspending Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun 65 games for violating the league's drug policy, Onion Sports takes a look at some of the most significant punishments in the history of athletics. 
Annual 6-Sentence Conversation With Cousin Goes Smoothly #~# PEORIA, IL—In keeping with the pair’s time-honored yearly tradition, local resident Bruce Malden reportedly made it through a “smooth and uneventful” six-sentence exchange with cousin Jeanelle Fowler at his family’s annual reunion last weekend. “Hey, how have you been?” Malden said to his cousin, who according to sources answered without hesitation that she had, in fact, been doing fine. “Doing pretty good myself. Can’t complain, anyway. You still liking it out there in Seattle?” Reports later confirmed that the fifth and sixth sentences spoken by Malden consisted of the single-word responses “Good” and “Uh-huh,” respectively.
Brilliant, Innovative CEO Just Wrote Words 'Social Media' On Whiteboard And Underlined It #~# BOSTON—During this morning's marketing meeting at Dwyer Publishing, Inc., CEO Eric McCulloch astounded and amazed his staff by writing the phrase "Social Media" on a whiteboard in black pen and underlining it. According to sources, McCulloch's virtuoso whiteboard performance has forever rendered traditional advertising pointless and obsolete, and has solved all of Dwyer Publishing's marketing needs in one fell swoop. To the utter astonishment of all in attendance, the veritable titan of industry then pointed at the words "Social Media" on the whiteboard and proclaimed "this is the future." "In my entire career, I have never before witnessed with my own two eyes such a dazzling—nay, electrifying—display of cunning insight and business acumen," product manager Jessica Berg told reporters of the visionary and "utterly game-changing" display of word writing and underlining. "The fact that he thought of the words 'Social Media' to begin with is incredibly impressive and forward thinking, but then he actually managed to take it two steps further by not only writing those words in block letters on a whiteboard but—get this—drawing a straight line underneath the words. I mean, the guy's a genius. I guess that's why they pay him the big bucks."
You’re New Here, But You Should Know That I’m The Guy Whose Computer People Gather Around To Watch Funny Videos #~# Hey, there. Dave, right? Nice to meet you. I'm Mark Waggoner, I work in sales, over by the file cabinets. Enjoying your first week on the job? Great, glad to hear it. Well, I just decided to stop by because I noticed that a little earlier you were watching a funny video on your computer and you invited a few of our coworkers over to check it out. You were all really laughing it up, must have been four or five of you, all told. I'm glad you guys had such a great time. However, I just wanted to come over here because I need you to know right now that here, in this office, I'm the guy whose computer people huddle around to watch funny online videos.
Golden State Warriors Tore Up NBA Summer League, Reports Man Who Has Never Been So Alone #~# LINTON, IN—While sitting at the Sportsman Pub’s bar Thursday, local man Gregory Quinn, who has never felt so lonely and isolated in his entire life, reportedly announced that the Golden State Warriors had really torn up the NBA Summer League. “After going undefeated, they totally deserved the Summer League title,” said the sad-looking Go-Rent-A Car employee who desperately wants to have some kind of human contact. “Ian Clark may have won the MVP, but that kid [Kent] Bazemore stuck out as a player with real potential.” At press time, Quinn declared “Andre Iguodala was a solid pick up” while silently wondering if anybody would miss him if he died.
Jane Austen To Appear On British 10-Pound Bill #~# The celebrated British romantic fiction author Jane Austen, who famously penned Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility, will appear on Great Britain’s new 10-pound note beginning around 2017, replacing Charles Darwin. What do you think?
Congress Fiercely Divided Over Completely Blank Bill That Says And Does Nothing #~# WASHINGTON—A blank piece of legislation that says nothing, does nothing, and contains no text whatsoever has been the source of heated debate in Washington this week, and has sharply divided Congress along partisan lines, Beltway sources confirmed Thursday.
Calling People Fat Spurs Weight Gain #~# According to a new study, the discrimination that people face regarding their weight, including stigmatizing, teasing, and name-calling, does not motivate them to shed pounds, and instead increases their risk of obesity later, as many engage in overeating as a coping behavior. What do you think?
Tony Romo Practicing For First Time Since Surgery To Remove Ovarian Cyst #~# OXNARD, CA—According to sources inside the Dallas Cowboys training staff, quarterback Tony Romo returned to the practice field Thursday for the first time since undergoing surgery to remove a painful ovarian cyst. “Tony appears to have responded well to the procedure, and given the rate at which his ovarian cyst was growing, I'm glad we got in there when we did,” said Dr. Peter Baskin, who removed the four inch fluid-filled sac after the signal-caller reported constant abdominal discomfort during voluntary OTA’s. “If we had waited any longer, it very well could have spread to his uterus. Hopefully Tony can still have children.” Baskin told reporters that there will most likely be some scarring along the fallopian tubes, but Romo’s range of motion should remained unaffected.
Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Economists at Harvard University released a new study this week indicating that Americans who paint themselves silver and pretend to be statues in public spaces make, on average, $10 million per year. “Our extensive, nationwide survey found that painting yourself a metallic color and standing perfectly still in front of strangers is not only a smart career choice, but one of the most lucrative professions in the country,” said lead researcher Ronald Morrow, noting that in larger markets such as Houston and New York, the median annual incomes of these motionless performers increases to “20 or 30 million, easy.” “Their overhead is limited to a few gallons of paint and some old bedsheets, and because it’s purely a cash business, their revenues may actually be much higher than what they’re reporting. For all we know, those guys painted to look like Statues of Liberty and standing in hotspots like Times Square could be pulling in $1 million every single day.” Economists added that while most people break into the profession by portraying iconic figures, earning power only increases with the ability to make startling movements that can “scare the bejeezus” out of passersby.
Greg Oden Suppresses Severe Shooting Pain All Over Body During Meeting With Heat #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Having already received interest from several other NBA teams, reports confirmed Thursday that former Portland Trail Blazers center Greg Oden suppressed acute shooting pains throughout his entire body while holding talks over a prospective move to the Miami Heat.
Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had “a major shitstorm” he had to deal with, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly had a guy named Worm sit in for him at a cabinet meeting Thursday, assuring senior officials in the administration that his buddy was “a top-notch dude.”
Meteorologists Report Sky Just A Little Bluer Today, And It’s Because Minneapolis Resident Doug Bramowski’s In Love #~# MINNEAPOLIS—The National Weather Service is reporting that the clouds over Minneapolis have parted, the sun is shining, and the sky is just a little bluer today—and it’s all because 38-year-old Doug Bramowski is in love, folks.
Print Dead At 1,803 #~# NEW YORK—Sources close to print, the method of applying ink to paper in order to convey information to a mass audience, have confirmed that the declining medium passed away early Thursday morning.
Amanda Bynes Hospitalized After Setting Fire #~# Authorities in California ordered the involuntary psychiatric hospitalization of embattled 27-year-old former actress Amanda Bynes after she allegedly started a fire in a stranger’s driveway, the latest in a string of bizarre behavior. What do you think?
Jason Noggoh #~# Jason Noggoh slid headfirst down the slippery slope into dog marriage.
Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry #~# WASHINGTON—The continued efforts of lawmakers to overhaul the nation’s immigration system gained considerable momentum Wednesday when House Speaker John Boehner announced that he would allow House Republicans to vote on a bipartisan reform plan that offers citizenship to immigrants who can play the piano so damned good that it just makes everyone cry. “The House fully supports a broad immigration bill that includes a path to citizenship to immigrants who can sit down at a shiny Steinway piano, close their eyes, and move audiences to tears with a haunting solo piano performance that makes you well up with emotion and say, ‘Wow, this guy can really play,’” Boehner said before a joint session of Congress, pledging support for a Senate-backed bill that would grant citizenship to young Asian children, Eastern European men, and other potential immigrants who can play the shit out of a piano to the point where all you can do is sit there with your jaw open because the whole thing is just so touching and evocative. “Even if said individual is undocumented and entered onto U.S. soil illegally, we are more than willing to grant said individual legal status should they play a stirring piano rendition of either ‘Pachelbel’s Canon,’ Beethoven’s ‘Moonlight Sonata,’ or possibly the theme from Schindler’s List with great poise, stunning technique, and an almost unbearable sense of poignancy.” At press time, leadership in both parties had expressed support for further proposals to grant permanent citizenship to any immigrant who can make those steamed pork bun things that are so good you can’t stop eating them.
Anthony Weiner Continued Sexting After Resignation #~# New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner said he would not drop out of the race after evidence surfaced that he again sent images of his genitals and engaged in lewd chats with a young woman, purportedly under the pseudonym “Carlos Danger.” What do you think?
Frustrated Novelist No Good At Describing Hands #~# GLOUCESTER, MA—Admitting that he has “absolutely no idea how other authors do it,” novelist Edward Milligan, 46, told reporters Tuesday that he’s just no good at all when it comes to describing people’s hands in his writing.
Man At Salad Bar Has To Say Every Item Aloud As He Adds It To Salad #~# RICHMOND, VA—Sources at the downtown Whole Foods location reported this afternoon that one of the grocery store’s salad bar patrons apparently felt compelled to mutter the name of each vegetable and fixing under his breath as he picked it up and placed it in his plastic container. “Romaine…carrots…a little cucumber…no black olives…some scallions…” the tong-wielding man reportedly said in a soft but audible voice as he moved from vegetable tray to vegetable tray alongside several other customers. “Hmm, dressing, which dressing? Ooh, balsamic.” Sources reported that the man later said the words “no” and “yes” aloud at checkout when the credit card terminal screen asked him whether he wanted cash back and to verify the transaction’s $7.48 total.
Weird-Looking Guy Somehow Manages To Look Normal In Facebook Profile Picture #~# NEWTON, MA—Despite exhibiting what numerous acquaintances have described as a distinctly odd appearance, local man Daniel Hobson has somehow managed to look relatively normal in his Facebook profile picture, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Dan’s definitely a weird-looking dude, but one look at his profile and you’d actually think he was halfway, you know, not weird-looking,” said coworker Carrie Wyatt, noting that the angle and lighting of Hobson’s photograph have effectively negated the most bizarre of his telltale physical characteristics, including his bulging forehead, perpetually chapped lips, and prominent overbite. “When you see him in person, it can actually be pretty unsettling. But here he’s positioned in such a way that he looks like a perfectly normal, fully functioning human being. You can barely even tell he has a lazy eye.” At press time, after having scanned the rest of Hobson’s photos on the social media website, Wyatt had noticed that Hobson has adopted an identical pose for nearly every picture he has allowed to have been taken of him.
Man With Widely Circulated Penis Pictures Not The Most Humiliated Person At Podium #~# NEW YORK—Announcing his decision to remain in the New York City mayoral race, a man whose self-taken cell phone photographs of his penis have been widely circulated and viewed by millions of Americans was reportedly not the most humiliated person standing behind the podium at a press conference yesterday, sources confirmed. “These things that I did were wrong and hurtful,” said the man who, despite referring to himself online as Carlos Danger and repeatedly sharing images of his genitals on social media sites, was somehow not the most embarrassed person standing within three feet of the bank of microphones and dozens of reporters. “I want to again say that I am very sorry to anyone who was on the receiving end of these messages and the disruption that this has caused. Now it’s time to move forward.” At press time, the individual whose name is now little more than a punch line remained the least ashamed person in his house.
Doctors Clear RGIII’s Knee For Light Tearing #~# RICHMOND, VA—Calling it an encouraging sign for the 23-year-old, Redskins team doctors have reportedly cleared quarterback Robert Griffin III’s knee to resume light tearing this week, team sources confirmed Wednesday. “Robert’s knee has healed to the point where we feel he can safely start damaging the ligament again,” said orthopedist James Andrews, noting that Griffin should limit himself to simple overstretching at first before gradually easing into more challenging connective tissue ripping. “Heading into August, we plan on having Robert tear his knee more severely each day so that the tendon can be 100 percent shredded by the time the season begins.” Andrews added that if all goes according to plan, Griffin would be ready for a season-ending injury by as early as week one or two.
Area Man Treats Girlfriend To Sumptuous 20-Second Massage #~# BETHEL PARK, PA—In an unexpected outpouring of generosity and affection, local man Adam MacMillan spent 20 seconds Tuesday evening treating Melanie Traynor, his girlfriend of three years, to a luxurious back and neck massage on the couple’s couch, sources have confirmed. According to reports, Traynor was almost certainly brought to a state of utmost relaxation as her boyfriend intimately kneaded her neck with a single hand as he sat watching television, his sensual motions decreasing in intensity with each passing second. In addition, sources confirmed that Traynor was both delighted and entirely satisfied during the six-second period when her boyfriend was rubbing her vertebrae while under the impression they were muscles. After concluding the lavish massage with a few half-assed chopping motions on his girlfriend’s shoulders, MacMillan reportedly then turned to Traynor and insisted, “Okay, my turn.”
Study: Dolphins Call Each Other By Name #~# According to a new study, dolphins call and respond to one another using distinctive, personalized whistles, suggesting the marine mammals use and recognize individual names for each member of their social group. What do you think?
Jessica Farthing and Mark Harris #~# Jessica Farthing and Mark Harris were joined together in marriage Saturday, but split soon afterwards when Farthing realized she had the wrong Mark Harris.
Unambitious Loser With Happy, Fulfilling Life Still Lives In Hometown #~# CAMDEN, ME—Longtime acquaintances confirmed to reporters this week that local man Michael Husmer, an unambitious 29-year-old loser who leads an enjoyable and fulfilling life, still lives in his hometown and has no desire to leave.
Wildman Currently Raging Across Southern California #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Several cities in Southern California were placed under a state of high alert early Tuesday after a large and markedly destructive wildman began sweeping through Santa Barbara County, sources confirmed.
Skipping Breakfast Linked To Heart Attacks #~# According to a study appearing in the journal Circulation, older men who routinely skipped breakfast had a 27 percent higher risk of a heart attack than those who ate breakfast every morning. What do you think?
Brewers Worried Ryan Braun Suspension Might Put Season In Jeopardy #~# MILWAUKEE—Following news that Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun will sit out the rest of 2013 due to his alleged involvement with performance-enhancing drug supplier Biogenesis, the power hitter's teammates told reporters Tuesday that they were concerned his suspension could put the remainder of the 41-57 ball club’s season in jeopardy. “This team is built around Ryan, and I can already tell that we’re going to face an uphill battle without him,” said starting second baseman Rickie Weeks, emphasizing that he “just couldn't imagine” the team that currently possesses the second-worst record in the National League lasting very long in the postseason without the five-time All-Star. “Obviously, there’s a lot of talent in this clubhouse, but the fact is that everything we’ve been able to do so far this season has been because of Ryan. No doubt about it, we’re in trouble. I don’t know how we could play in the World Series without him.” When reached for comment, Braun told reporters that he believed his team would be able to perform just as well without him.
Everyone In Whitey Bulger Trial Found Dead In Woods Outside Dorchester #~# DORCHESTER, MA—The ongoing trial of notorious Boston crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger on 19 murder-related charges took another pivotal turn today as Massachusetts authorities discovered the bodies of every single person involved in the trial in a wooded area outside Dorchester, law enforcement officials announced this afternoon. “At approximately 9:30 a.m. this morning, police identified the bodies of 347 people in a wooded area near Columbia Road, including one District Court judge, five prosecuting attorneys, 18 jurors, 32 potential witnesses, and dozens of gallery spectators,” Middlesex District Attorney Marian Ryan said of the new development, in which officers also discovered the remains of three courtroom sketch artists, seven Boston Globe reporters, 10 alleged extortion victims, a bailiff, 28 relatives of alleged extortion victims, 31 state police chiefs, and 50 local businessmen. “Autopsies were conducted today by the Office of the Medical Examiner and officers determined that the deaths resulted from natural causes. The incident remains under investigation by state authorities, and we will update the public as necessary.” At press time, a spokesman for the Federal Bureau of Investigation could not be reached for comment.
Man Pulling In $1,000 Per Month Has Nerve To Complain About Minimum Wage Laws #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Despite bringing in a cool grand—that’s 1,000 U.S. dollars in cash—every month, South Carolina resident and Sports Authority employee Jason Bigsby reportedly whines about minimum wage laws on a near daily basis, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I really don’t see what this guy’s got to complain about when every month he rakes in a thousand big ones; take a $100 bill and times it by 10 and that’s how much money he makes in a month,” said local Todd Mailer, adding that if Bigsby quit whining and took one look at his finances, he would realize he is essentially being handed a briefcase packed with a thousand $1 bills in it every single month. “The guy’s rolling in it. After living expenses, he still has, what, more than 500 bucks to spend on whatever he wants? Video games, fancy dinners, cologne—you name it. Guy could even save up all that cash and net himself $10,000 by year’s end, I shit you not. $10,000!” At press time, sources said Bigsby should just kick back, stop worrying, and enjoy the good life.
Ryan Braun: 'Never Believe Any Of Us' #~# MILWAUKEE—In his first statement after receiving a 65-game suspension from baseball, Brewers slugger Ryan Braun called on fans Tuesday to remember that every single word that he or any other baseball player accused of using steroids has ever said publicly is a lie. “Please be aware that nothing we ever say is true, and when I said that I would ‘bet my life’ I didn’t take steroids, you should have stopped right there and assumed that I took them,” said the former NL MVP, who went on to ask fans whether they really believed that someone who narrowly avoided a 50-game ban for elevated testosterone levels on a technicality could be wrongfully incriminated a second time in two years. “If faced with either telling the truth and losing millions of dollars or lying and keeping our millions of dollars, we’re going to choose to betray the confidence and trust of everyone around us. Even when we make a confession, the truth is that we did so in a strategic attempt to prevent you from digging any deeper and discovering the really despicable stuff we did.” Braun concluded his remarks by asking why reporters bothered to write down a single word from his speech since the entire thing was, in all likelihood, also one giant lie.
Pool Owner Has Bathing Suit That Touched His Penis You Can Borrow #~# CHERRY HILL, NJ—Upon learning that you cannot go swimming with everyone else because you left your bathing suit at home, local pool owner Gary McGill, 41, offered to loan you some swim trunks that have touched his penis countless times, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh, don’t worry about it—out in the pool house I’ve got an extra pair whose thin, absorbent netting has tightly cupped my genitalia on many occasions,” said McGill, adding that he had been lending the swimsuit out to guests all summer and that it was really no trouble at all. “Yep, go in there and look for the orange ones that always cling to my wet, bare ass and have to be peeled off when I’m done. They’ve been rubbing right up against my penis and the penises of several other people for the past two months. I’ll see you in the pool, buddy!” At press time, reports confirmed you had chosen to go swimming with your groin enmeshed in a garment full of someone else’s scrotal skin cells.
Without Guns, How Am I Supposed To Defend Myself From My Family? #~# As a gun owner, I feel very strongly about our constitutional right to bear arms. There are people out there who say we need to reexamine our country’s firearm policies, and still others who believe American citizens shouldn’t be allowed to own guns at all. To these critics, I pose just one question: Without guns, how am I supposed to protect myself from my immediate family?
Area Dad Just Absolutely Sobbing After Phil Mickelson Win #~# DOVER, DE—After Phil Mickelson birdied the 18th hole at Muirfield to assure his British Open victory last Sunday, local dad Tom Culp reportedly broke down in tears in the family’s downstairs TV room. “Lefty deserves this! He deserves it!” Culp was overheard saying as he fell to his knees and let out repeated wails of joy and relief, adding that “Phil put in the work to be a great links golfer, and it paid off, goddammit.” “This couldn’t have happened to a better person. Look at his beautiful family! Lefty. Lefty! I love you, Lefty!!!” Family sources confirmed that at dinner that same night, Culp was silent and curt at the table, ordering his son to grab him a beer and telling his wife that the chicken was dry.
Nelson Mandela Evidently Thinks World’s Journalists Have Nothing Better To Do Than Wait Around Like Idiots #~# JOHANNESBURG—Following reports that Nelson Mandela is showing sustained improvement as he recovers from a recurring lung infection, media sources confirmed Monday that the former president of South Africa must believe the world’s reporters have nothing better to do with their time than stand around like fucking idiots waiting for him to die. “Oh, so he’s stabilized and is showing signs of improvement? Great, I’ll just be right here with my thumb up my ass,” BBC News world affairs correspondent Mike Wooldridge said of the ailing civil rights champion and anti-apartheid crusader, who apparently thinks journalists must have freed up their entire schedules to stand outside a hospital all day long. “But really, I’m glad he’s feeling better, and I sure hope he doesn’t think for a second about those of us who aren’t allowed to return home until he dies. Really, he should take his sweet time in there, and meanwhile I’ll just keep rewriting this one obituary until he’s good and ready. Fucking asshole.” Wooldridge added that if Mandela does happen to pull through, the two months he spent waiting for him to die would have been “a complete waste of time.”
Area Dad Wants To Watch New Blu-Ray Of ‘Spring Breakers’ By Himself #~# PAOLI, PA—Instructing his wife and children to stay away from the den for the next few hours, area dad Dave Landler has announced that he wants to watch a new Blu-ray DVD of Spring Breakers, the 2012 film starring Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens, alone. “I’m just going to have a little movie night by myself tonight, guys, so I’d appreciate some privacy while the movie’s on,” said Landler, 49, while opening the DVD box for the Harmony Korine–directed film about four college-aged girls on a spring break trip to Florida. “It’s about two hours long, so I’ll probably be done in about two hours or so. In fact, why don’t you guys go out and get some food, on me. Maybe get some ice cream later, too. Take your time.” Sources reported the last time Landler watched a movie alone in the den was when he borrowed a DVD copy of the 2002 film Blue Crush from fellow dad Jeff Pritzker.
Batman, Superman To Star In Film Together #~# Warner Bros. Pictures announced that a sequel to this summer’s blockbuster Man of Steel would feature Superman teaming up with Batman, with the film slated to begin production next year. What do you think?
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of July 23, 2013 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Royal Baby Has Father’s Eyes #~# LONDON—Just hours after the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a healthy baby boy, a source close to the Royal Family reported today that the newborn heir to the British throne has his father’s eyes. “I saw His young Highness earlier today, and I can tell you that he definitely has Prince William’s famous baby blues,” the anonymous source told The Sun after reportedly viewing the royal baby during a feeding at Buckingham Palace. “He also has his father’s ears and jaw, and his grandfather Prince Charles’ nose. And he has a full head of dark hair that looks just like his mother’s.” The source stated that the energetic infant prince spent much of the afternoon delightedly playing with his father’s hands.
Royal Baby Speaks First Words #~# Listen: The Royal Baby's First Words
Royal Baby Eats First Meal #~# LONDON—Sources close to Buckingham Palace are confirming that members of the Royal Family convened today to celebrate the infant prince’s first meal. “The queen herself couldn’t help but laugh and smile when His Royal Highness hungrily gobbled down his first bite,” said an anonymous source who attended the feeding, noting that while the young child ate more than anyone expected, and seemed to want even more, most of his supper ended up smeared around his face and hands. “It really was quite adorable watching him gleefully fling his food about the room. The little prince really made quite the mess.” According to sources, the royal baby was fed largely by his grandfather Charles, the Prince of Wales.
Royal Baby Already Crawling #~# LONDON—Mere hours after the well-publicized birth of the Prince of Cambridge, representatives for the British Royal Family announced that their newest member has already begun crawling. “Most babies don’t start moving on all fours until they’re at least seven or eight months old, but it seems His young Highness has wasted no time,” said a royal source, commenting on the precocious child’s rapid development. “At this rate, I predict he’ll be out and about and fully mobile in no time, ready to take on the world, as it were!” At press time, the royal baby was reportedly working up a very healthy appetite.
Royal Baby Born #~# LONDON—After months of anticipation, representatives for the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton confirmed today that the royal baby has finally made its way into the world. “I am very excited to report that the little sire has been born happy, hungry, and ready to greet the nation,” said a representative for the Royal Family, who noted that while the Duchess experienced some slight soreness during birth, it was all worth it to see the newborn prince in person. “We all simply cannot wait to see what our recent arrival has in store for Britain, and indeed the world at large.” At press time, the proud new mother was reportedly recovering in Buckingham Palace and unavailable for comment.
Nate Silver Warns Against Overestimating His Value To ESPN #~# NEW YORK—After officially announcing his move from The New York Times to ESPN, prominent statistician and blogger Nate Silver reportedly urged Americans Monday to avoid overestimating his overall worth to the sports network. “According to recent web-traffic figures, my popularity peaked from 2010 to 2012 as a function of the presidential election, but given the tendency of such linear regression models to heavily fluctuate, it serves as a poor signifier of any actual, real-dollar value to ESPN,” said Silver, adding that according to data projections, his FiveThirtyEight blog has only a 7.4 percent chance of generating considerable interest on the ESPN home page. “The approximations of my future drawing power in fact resemble more of a random walk—in layman’s terms, a random model that cannot accurately predict future outcomes. There is strong statistical evidence to suggest that ESPN could have operated more efficiently by offering me a far smaller contract.” Silver also noted that, considering recent statistical trends within the television industry, there is an overwhelming likelihood that Keith Olbermann’s new weeknight talk show on ESPN will be fucking awful.
Palace Of Biblical King David Found #~# A team of Israeli archaeologists claim to have uncovered the ruins of the famed biblical King David’s palace near Jerusalem, though some historians and archaeologists dispute the findings and others claim David never existed at all. What do you think?
Wrigley Field Jumbotron To Offer Cubs Fans Welcome Distraction #~# CHICAGO—In the midst of heated debate over the installation of Wrigley Field’s first-ever Jumbotron, officials from the Chicago Cubs stressed Monday that the state-of-the-art screen will provide fans with a much-needed distraction from the team itself. “We will always do our utmost to retain the historic feel of America’s oldest ballpark, but the Jumbotron will give fans something to watch and actually enjoy during Cubs games,” said team owner Tom Ricketts, adding that the 5,700-square-foot screen, which would not obstruct the iconic center-field scoreboard, will show commercials, clips of television shows, and broadcasts of other baseball games from around the country. “Games can last over three hours, so we need to offer spectators something that will keep them entertained and take their minds off of whatever is happening on the field. Trust me, these people need this.” Reached for comment, Cubs manager Dale Sveum enthusiastically backed plans for the Jumbotron, telling reporters he is looking forward to finally having a good reason to attend home games.
Generous Improv Troupe Performing For Free #~# NEW YORK—In a commendable act of charity and goodwill, local improv troupe Calhoun reportedly showcased their talents completely free of charge Sunday night in the basement of a local performing arts space. “What do you mean you’re a dog?” Calhoun’s Nick Clewson said to his barking co-star Daryl Crane during a show the group could easily have charged a $20 admission to but, in a gesture of magnanimity, chose to offer to the public at no cost, as they do every week. “Well, luckily, I speak fluent dog. Ruff, ruff, ruff! That means, ‘Freeze! You’re under arrest.’” Following the performance, group members extended their generosity further by voluntarily folding the audience’s metal chairs and stacking them in a storage room.
Website's Built-In Search Engine Just Pathetic #~# CHICAGO—Following several unsuccessful attempts to find a specific article on a national media website, readers confirmed Monday that the built-in search engine found in the upper-right-hand corner of the online publication is nothing short of useless. “For example, I wanted to find a story they did recently about Michael Bay, and so I typed in his name, but the first results that came up were articles about NASA, Jim Harbaugh, and aliens,” said longtime reader Courtney Dunning, who admitted to reporters she was surprised that a website with two decades of backlogged content would have such a poorly designed and ineffective method for accessing its archived material. “Searching for ‘Michael Bay’s new movie’ didn’t get me anywhere, either. In fact, even when I typed in the exact headline of the article, it told me no results could be found.” As of press time, Dunning had reportedly abandoned the website’s search bar, Googled what she was looking for, and found it on her first attempt.
Nintendo Entertainment System Turns 30 #~# The original version of the Nintendo Entertainment System, known as the Famicom or Nintendo Family Computer, first became available in Japan 30 years ago this month. Here are some of the most notable moments and milestones in the iconic video game console’s history:
Species Of Big-Nosed Dinosaur Unearthed In Utah #~# Paleontologists have discovered a previously unknown species of dinosaur called Nasutoceratops, a name that translates to “large-nosed horned face,” which lived during the Cretaceous period and had a distinctive oversize nose and large horns. What do you think?
Martha Sarahns #~# Martha Sarahns, 78, passed away Saturday night surrounded by her closest friends, family, and this random dude who looked completely lost.
Ceiling Fan Transforms Apartment Without Air Conditioning Into Frosty Wonderland #~# NEW YORK—According to 27-year-old Alex Wilson, the five-blade ceiling fan in his apartment’s common room is making the two-bedroom living space a veritable winter wonderland, providing him with an enchanting arctic sanctuary from the triple-digit temperatures outside. “Brrr, it’s like Christmas in here!” Wilson said as the ceiling fan oscillated above, its icy vortex of wind making the fifth-floor apartment feel as chilly as a midwinter’s day. “If anything, it’s too cold. What if I don’t have enough blankets to keep me warm at night?” At press time, Wilson was making some hot cocoa and settling in to watch Miracle On 34th Street.
Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant staffer who’s only been with the company for maybe a month and who had the gall to take the best donut in the box for himself.
Report: Detroit Bankruptcy Might Transform City Into Some Kind Of Hellish, Depopulated Wasteland #~# WASHINGTON—Following Thursday’s announcement that the city had declared bankruptcy, reports are confirming that Detroit may suddenly descend into a horrifying, depopulated hellscape, one with numerous dilapidated buildings, rampant urban decay, a failing education system, near-constant drug-related homicides, and a downtown area that looks virtually abandoned. “I fear that, very soon, we may be looking at a city that is completely and utterly unrecognizable from its booming heyday of the 1950s,” said the report’s lead author, Professor Robert Fuchs, noting that Detroit may see its population plunge to half its size amidst a mass exodus of desperate and unemployed residents. “Its citizens might as well enjoy the city while they can, because soon enough they’re going to be living in an uninhabitable wasteland where the police take nearly an hour to get to the scene of a crime, the poverty rate is three times that of the national average, and vacant warehouses look like they’ve been attacked by mortar shells.” Fuchs added that even Detroit’s once dominant auto industry could very well be transformed into a depressing, broken-down husk of its former self.
Detroit Files For Bankruptcy #~# Detroit became the largest municipality in U.S. history to seek bankruptcy protection yesterday, which will likely force the city to slash government employment, sell assets, and further pare back municipal services. What do you think?
Nation Disturbed By Photos Of Bud Selig In ESPN’s Body Issue #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the pictorial “disgusting” and “very unsettling,” millions of Americans were reportedly deeply disturbed by the semi-nude photos of 78-year-old Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig in ESPN The Magazine’s annual Body Issue last week, sources confirmed Friday. “Getting a glimpse at the incredible physiques of athletes like Colin Kaepernick, Kerri Walsh Jennings, and Sydney Leroux was really cool, but turning the page to see Bud Selig standing there buck naked and shielding his genitals with his left hand was, I have to say, a bit much,” San Diego resident Jason Dawson, 31, said of the three-page spread, which contained strategically shot pictures of a naked Selig from multiple angles covering himself only with an MLB baseball cap and a catcher’s mitt. “To be honest, it pretty much ruined the entire issue for me.” While undoubtedly put off by the images of Selig, many Americans admitted to reporters that the feature was far easier to stomach than last year’s controversial double-page spread of completely nude Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland lying in the spread-eagle position at home plate.
Tiny Advisor Who Lived In Obama’s Ear Dead At 83 #~# WASHINGTON—Robert Linder, a miniature man who was among the closest and most trusted advisors to President Barack Obama and several past U.S. presidents, died of a heart attack this morning in his home within Obama’s ear canal. He was 83.
Greenlit Sports Movies Of 2013 #~# With the recent success of sports movies, Hollywood is once again prepared to cash in at the box office. Here are the latest projects to begin production:
Pope To Reduce His Twitter Followers’ Time In Purgatory #~# The Vatican will offer indulgences to believers who follow Pope Francis’ Twitter account, @pontifex, during next week’s World Youth Day, thereby reducing the amount of time these individuals’ souls spend in purgatory and allowing them to enter heaven faster. What do you think?
Manny Ramirez Impresses Triple-A Teammates With Knowledge Of Shapes #~# ROUND ROCK, TX—In a remarkable demonstration of expertise, Round Rock Express designated hitter Manny Ramirez reportedly wowed his triple-A teammates Friday with his expansive knowledge of basic geometric shapes. “See, that one is a circle, and it’s made from the roundest stuff in the whole world—billions of super-tiny curves that you can’t see with your eyes, man,” said Ramirez, who also excitedly pointed out a square, diamond, number, glove, and cap shape. “I like all the shapes, but the triangle is the best and my favorite because it has a bunch of sides and super-pointy parts. Triangles are expensive, man. Squares aren’t as fancy, but they are still really good shapes.” At press time, players on the Round Rock Express confirmed that Ramirez had taught them about several new shapes, including the squishircle, correctangle, and stopsignagon.
CVS, 7-Eleven Ban ‘Rolling Stone’ Issue Featuring Tsarnaev #~# Numerous retailers, including CVS, Walgreens, and 7-Eleven, said they will not sell the new issue of Rolling Stone featuring a tousle-haired Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on its cover, which many have protested for treating the Boston Marathon bombing suspect like a celebrity. What do you think?
FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs #~# WASHINGTON—The FBI is asking any Americans with information about the eating habits, top speed, fighting abilities, or other general-interest knowledge of cheetahs to contact them immediately in return for a $1 million reward. “Cheetahs seem really awesome, and we know there are Americans out there who can help us figure out if a cheetah would win in a 100-meter race against a 1998 Yamaha Virago,” said FBI Director Robert Mueller, who paused to ask reporters several times during the course of his statement whether they knew if a cheetah would be able to beat a water buffalo in a fight. “Like, if it really wanted to, could a cheetah cut down a tree with its claws? That would be so fucking sweet.” The FBI stressed that finding out more about cheetahs will be the Bureau’s top priority until they know how wide a canyon a cheetah could jump over going full speed with no wind.
Netflix Receives 10 Emmy Nominations For Season 4 Of ‘Wings’ #~# LOS ANGELES—In a sign of the growing influence of online streaming services in the television and broadcast industry, the fourth season of Wings, the popular Netflix Instant Watch series about a fictional family-run airport in Nantucket, MA, was nominated for 10 Primetime Emmy Awards on Thursday, sources confirmed. “We are absolutely thrilled that Wings has garnered not one but 10 nominations from the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, including twin Outstanding Lead Actor nominations for Tim Daly and Steven Weber for their portrayal of the Hackett brothers,” Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said of today’s groundbreaking announcement, in which Wings also racked up nominations for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series and Best Director for Andy Ackerman for the Season 4 finale, “Date Package Number 7.” “Rebecca Schull as the sweetly manipulative Fay absolutely deserved her Emmy nom. And it will be interesting to see Thomas Haden Church go head-to-head with Emmy veterans like Modern Family’s Ed O’Neill and Jesse Tyler Ferguson for Supporting Actor in a Comedy. It just goes to show that good television is good television, no matter what network it’s on.” At press time, awards forecasters predicted that despite its impressive showing, the series would likely lose the Outstanding Comedy award to either Season 2 or Season 3 of Wings.
Heat Wave Doesn’t Bother Local Contrarian #~# CHICAGO—Despite broiling temperatures that have plagued the residents of the Midwest and much of the Eastern Seaboard throughout the week, local man and lifelong contrarian Martin Rivers told reporters Thursday that the ongoing heat wave does not in fact bother him. “Everyone’s been complaining about the weather lately, but I’ve always liked when it gets nice and hot like this,” the aggressively contrary man said of the recent surge of intense heat and humidity that has seen temperatures climb well into the 90s, adding that “it feels good to sweat.” “I like distinct seasons, you know, and I think it’s nice to have weather extremes every once in a while. I mean, it’s summer; what do you expect?” At press time, those close to Rivers had confirmed that the nonconforming individual was loudly airing his hopes that the intense heat would continue through the weekend.
Pro Football Hall Of Fame Removes Aaron Hernandez’s Gun #~# CANTON, OH—Following dozens of visitor complaints, officials at the Pro Football Hall of Fame announced Thursday that they have elected to take down an exhibit featuring a firearm owned by former New England Patriots tight end and current murder suspect Aaron Hernandez. “While we initially felt that this unique piece represents an important chapter in NFL history, the objections from our patrons have been enough to warrant its removal,” said museum spokesman Joe Horrigan, referring to the Glock .45-caliber pistol that had until this week been prominently displayed alongside a partially emptied 13-round clip recovered from Hernandez’s home. “Though this exhibit provides an interesting look into the lives of one of the game’s most dynamic young talents, we have since been advised that it is in poor taste, and has even made some of our visitors uncomfortable. And for that, we apologize.” Horrigan told reporters that the Hall currently has no plans to modify or remove any of its other popular football memorabilia displays, including O.J. Simpson’s black leather gloves, a variety of choke chains once owned by Michael Vick, and the exhumed corpse of Junior Seau.
Fox Books Files For Bankruptcy #~# NEW YORK—In a move that has shaken the already fragile publishing industry, struggling retail giant Fox Books officially filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Wednesday, sources confirmed.
Schedule For 2013 San Diego Comic-Con #~# Sci-fi, fantasy, and comic book fans from around the world will converge on Southern California this weekend for the 2013 San Diego Comic-Con International. Here are some of the most anticipated events of the four-day convention:
Man Spends Entire Marketing Meeting Nodding #~# BAKERSFIELD, CA—According to sources at tile manufacturer BuilderPro, engineer Gary Sadler spent an entire two-hour meeting with his company's marketing department politely nodding his head. "Sure, sounds good" said the nodding Sadler after being talked at for 120 minutes straight about uniques, social strategies, clickability, ROI, earned media, native advertising, big data, KPI, content marketing, impressions, viral videos, affiliates, super affiliates, A/B testing, and engagement." Thanks, guys." Following the conclusion of the marketing meeting, Sadler went back to doing actual work.
New Moon Discovered Orbiting Neptune #~# While studying pictures of Neptune, astronomer Mark Showalter noticed a small white spot that, upon further investigation, was found to be a previously unknown moon, the planet’s fourteenth, which will go by the designation S/2004 N 1. What do you think?
Donnie #~# Donnie the cat had to be put to sleep Friday because, Jesus Christ, who has three grand for bladder stone removal?
Twin Pandas Born In Atlanta #~# Lun Lun, a 15-year-old giant panda housed at Zoo Atlanta, gave birth to a pair of twins this week, which join a panda family at the zoo that includes their father, Yang Yang, and two brothers. What do you think?
4 NL Fans Killed In Brutal All-Star Game Riots #~# NEW YORK—In the deadliest clash to date in the bitter and fierce rivalry, four National League fans were reportedly killed Tuesday when vicious riots erupted at Citi Field following the 2013 MLB All-Star game.
Tour De France Enters Stage Where Officials Begin Building PED Case Against Eventual Winner #~# CHORGES, FRANCE—With the grueling mountain stages now finished, excitement surrounding the Tour de France reached a fever pitch on Wednesday as cyclists began the eighteenth leg of the race, also known as the doping-officials-begin-gathering-evidence-to-prove-that-the-eventual-champion-used-performance-enhancing-drugs stage. “Chris Froome’s strong showing during the time trial stages has given him a commanding lead, but will that prepare him for the very tricky steroid-allegation phase of the race?” said commentator Phil Liggett, explaining that over the next few days, the field of over 100 cycling officials will scrutinize Froome’s performance in search of proof that he is guilty of doping. “Froome knows this is a treacherous stage where many talented riders—including his rival Alberto Contador—have faltered in the past, so he’ll need to be careful and watch out for a late push by the U.K. Anti-Doping Agency to prove his guilt and strip him of his victory.” Following the conclusion of the eighteenth leg, the Tour de France will reportedly move on to the everybody-ignores-the-sport-of-cycling stage.
Man Who Couldn’t Defeat George W. Bush Attempting To Resolve Israel-Palestine Conflict #~# AMMAN, JORDAN—Arriving in the Middle East today for top-level negotiations with Palestinian and Israeli officials, a man who could not even devise a way to beat George W. Bush in a head-to-head vote will spend the next several days attempting to bring a peaceful resolution to the most intractable global conflict of the modern era, State Department sources confirmed. “We are confident that [this person who managed to win just 19 states against George W. Bush, even in the midst of two highly unpopular and costly foreign wars] will be able to establish a framework to bring about lasting peace in the Middle East,” said State Department spokesperson Jen Psaki, stating that the diplomat, who was actually deemed by the American populace to be a worse option than four more years of an administration led by a former baseball team owner and Dick Cheney, could provide the leadership necessary to resolve the bitter, bloody conflict that has raged for more than six decades. “[The individual whose sole goal for more than a year was to make the simple case that he would do a better job than one of the most disliked and poorly rated politicians of all time, and who decisively failed at this singular task] will lay out his bold vision for a road map to peace, and it’s one that we believe both Israelis and Palestinians will be very receptive to. Our best hope for a safe, prosperous Middle East lies with [a guy who came in second to a former substance abuser who nearly choked to death on a pretzel].” Sources throughout Israel and the Palestinian territories said they were optimistic about a peace deal, saying they were eager to hear the ideas of the husband of a powerful food-processing heiress.
Metta World Peace Signs 2-Year Deal With ‘New York Post’ #~# NEW YORK—Calling it “the perfect place for someone like me,” outspoken former Lakers forward Metta World Peace announced Monday that he had agreed to a two-year deal with the New York Post. “I know the Post has been wanting a player like this for a long time, and frankly, Metta couldn’t be more excited about the role he will play in their paper,” said Marc Cornstein, World Peace’s agent, who told reporters that his client would shine in the tabloid’s controversial headlines and sensationalist articles. “As much as the Post may prefer the Ron Artest of old, I think both sides understand that Metta may be a little older but still has plenty to contribute to New York newsstands.” Details of the deal have yet to be made public, but many are speculating World Peace could yield nearly as much ink as Tim Tebow drew last year, depending on whether he reaches any of the outburst, tirade, or physical violence incentives built into his contract.
MIT Scientists Create Robot Capable Of Feeling Lust #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Heralding the breakthrough as a landmark achievement for artificial intelligence, engineers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Thursday that they have successfully developed the first robot capable of feeling human lust.
Eric Cantor Pressuring Wife To Try New Political Position #~# WASHINGTON—House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) has reportedly been pressuring his wife to try new political positions, claiming the same old ones are getting stale after 24 years of marriage. “Come on, baby, let’s try a little pro-gun control, or maybe a little reverse pro-gun control, just to spice things up,” sources overheard Cantor saying to his wife Diana, right after suggesting that she might try getting in the mood by playing with her position by herself a bit before entering into passionate debate. “I’ll role-play a neoliberal who’s been naughty on security issues, and you’ll be a social-conservative minx who wants to deny hospital visitation rights for gay couples all night long. We’ll have a safe word so I can go back to being an ideologically inconsistent Republican if things get too intense.” Diana Cantor commented that while she supports her husband trying to keep the discourse fresh, she is too tired to try any new political positions tonight.
Obese Boy Scouts Banned From National Jamboree #~# Boy Scouts were required to undergo a body mass index screening to attend this week’s National Scout Jamboree, with the most obese being barred from the 10-day gathering, which features such physical activities as hiking, kayaking, and zip-lining. What do you think?
Kevin Maguire #~# Kevin Maguire unwittingly martyred himself Wednesday for the cause of getting a stop sign put up on Larchmont.
Infant Child Left In Sweet Camaro #~# MASHPEE, MA—An 18-month infant is reportedly recovering from a severe case of heatstroke today after local parking lot attendees found her trapped inside a sweet-ass Camaro, police said in a press conference today.
Top Mexican Drug Lord Captured #~# The kingpin of the extremely brutal Zetas drug cartel, Miguel Angel Trevino Morales, known as Z-40, was captured by Mexican Marines while traveling in a pickup truck containing $2 million in cash as well as his bodyguard and personal accountant. What do you think?
Best Buy Employee Going To Tell You What He Has At Home #~# MEDFORD, OR—After asking if you needed help while browsing wireless routers, a Best Buy employee is now going to give you a detailed explanation of what he uses at home, sources are confirming. “I’ve had this NETGEAR dual-band router for years, and honestly, I haven’t had a single issue with it,” said the employee, noting that he at one point owned a cheaper model of the same router, but upgrading has “definitely been worth the extra 30 bucks, no question.” “I always have a lot of devices running on the network at the same time—usually my laptop, my Xbox, and my iPhone—and there’s never been any problem in terms of connection or internet speed. And the signal is really strong no matter where I am in my apartment.” The employee will reportedly go on to talk about the product’s warranty.
George Zimmerman Wins Florida State Lottery #~# SANFORD, FL—Just days after being fully acquitted for his role in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman reportedly won the $37 million Florida Lottery jackpot last night.  “Yeah! All right!” said a visibly smiling Zimmerman, holding the winning lottery ticket he purchased on a whim hours after he was found not guilty for shooting and killing the unarmed 17-year-old. “I just figured why not, you know? I think I’ll probably use the money to buy a bigger house and a new car, and I’ll invest the rest. This is just fantastic. Life is good.” Zimmerman added that he’ll never have to worry about money again.
Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine #~# SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed.
Just Once I’d Like To Make A Hotel Reservation Without Hearing About Someone’s Relative Surviving The Holocaust #~# As one of the world’s most renowned Holocaust scholars, novelists, and human rights activists, I do a lot of traveling. Whether I’m promoting a new book or delivering a lecture at a university about how I survived the Nazi concentration camps, I am constantly on the go and constantly staying overnight in one city or another. I would say that in a given week I must call at least three different hotels to make reservations for an upcoming trip. And, like clockwork, the second I give my name to a hotel employee, something inevitably comes over him and he thinks it’s open season to launch into some long, drawn-out story about how his grandmother or grandfather survived the Holocaust.
Nation Hoping ‘The Newsroom’ Ends Before Trayvon Martin Storyline #~# NEW YORK—Reflecting on the aftermath of the George Zimmerman trial, citizens across the nation prayed Tuesday that HBO’s The Newsroom somehow ends before the show is able to incorporate a storyline about the killing of Trayvon Martin. “Oh, Christ, you just know Aaron Sorkin is already dying to clamber up on his high horse and tell people exactly how the media dropped the ball on this story at the time and exactly how he would have gotten it right,” said Eugene, OR resident Sarah Vandenberg, echoing the thoughts of the country’s 310 million citizens while doing a panicked mental calculation to determine just how long the show will have to stay on the air for the Newsroom universe to catch up to the events of Martin’s death and the subsequent criminal trial of George Zimmerman. “Honestly, I just don’t know if I can make it through Will McAvoy’s self-righteous monologue criticizing other news outlets for selectively editing Zimmerman’s 911 call, or listen to an articulate new black staff member’s passionate, perfectly rehearsed speech to the rest of the News Night team at ACN about what it feels like to be racially profiled, or see how a heated office debate over race in America will somehow affect Jim and Maggie’s relationship. I just won’t be able to handle that, okay? So please, please let the show be canceled by then.” At press time, millions of Americans were already cringing at the thought of Emily Mortimer screaming in the control room to cut a conservative guest’s mic after he says something racist.
Prince Fielder Dominates Home Run–Eating Contest #~# NEW YORK—The MLB All-Star festivities ended on a high note Monday as Detroit Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder wowed fans with his dominant performance in the league’s annual Home Run–Eating Contest. “I saw the hunger in his eyes when he stepped up to the plate, but I never imagined he’d be able to eat that many dingers in one sitting,” said SportsCenter anchor Chris Berman, noting Fielder’s grueling regimen, which culminated in the consumption of 40 singles and 30 doubles on Sunday, followed by a 24-hour fasting period leading up to the event. “He really looked like he was about to burst after the tenth or eleventh double-decker, so to see him power through the pain and shatter his own record of 35 round trippers in 50 minutes was that much more impressive.” Fielder’s current pace of four-baggers ingested during the regular season has led to speculation that he might be the first MLB player to eat 800 home runs.
Man’s Idea For Tweet Just Pops Into His Mind Almost Fully Formed #~# TRENTON, NJ—In an astonishing moment of creative inspiration, local Twitter user Chase Munson, 29, told reporters Monday that his latest idea for a tweet had simply popped into his head all at once, almost fully composed. “I was driving back from the store, and it just came to me out of nowhere, nearly word for word—the whole tweet!” said Munson, adding that the rapidly conceived-of tweet arrived in his mind complete with an appropriate hashtag and fell well within the social media site’s 140-character limit. “I mean, it was all there, the whole thing. A finished work. It was amazing.” At press time, sources confirmed Munson’s masterpiece had been “favorited” by two of his friends.
Texas Passes Sweeping Abortion Restrictions #~# Despite an 11-hour filibuster by state senator Wendy Davis two weeks earlier, the Texas legislature passed strict abortion limits during a special session called by Governor Rick Perry, likely resulting in the closure of all but five of the state’s abortion clinics. What do you think?
Nation Thankful That Shellie Dean Zimmerman Was Charged With Perjury At Least #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that, hey, it beats nothing, Americans across the nation expressed gratitude today that Shellie Dean Zimmerman, the Florida woman accused of lying to police about husband George Zimmerman’s finances while he was imprisoned this year for the death of teenager Trayvon Martin, has been officially charged with perjury under state law. “Look, no matter how anything else turned out, Shellie Dean Zimmerman has still been charged with the offense of lying to authorities, so, justice served, right?” Maryland resident Abby Liptak told reporters on Monday, noting that while it’s unfortunate George Zimmerman was found innocent over the weekend of murdering an unarmed black teenager, she’s at least glad his wife will be tried for a third-degree felony. “So you thought you could get away with perjury, did you, Mrs. Zimmerman? Well, not so fast, Shellie—not so fast!” Liptak additionally told reporters that if Shellie Zimmerman is convicted on charges and gets even 12 or 13 months of probation, she’ll consider the Trayvon Martin case closed.
Rallies Against Zimmerman Verdict Held Across U.S. #~# Rallies were held in cities nationwide yesterday and today, as thousands chanted, marched, and wore hooded sweatshirts in protest of the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the shooting death of unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. What do you think?
In Our Defense, These Were Some Pretty Fucked-Up Laws And We Were Ordered To Deliberate In Accordance With Them #~# The tragic death of Trayvon Martin and subsequent trial of George Zimmerman have been hotly debated across the country for the last 16 months. As a juror in the case, I’ve spent the last several weeks listening to all kinds of legal arguments from both sides, hearing testimony from 56 witnesses, and considering detailed evidence from a host of forensic experts. Ultimately, we acquitted Zimmerman on charges of both second-degree murder and manslaughter, and millions are outraged by the outcome of the case, arguing that justice had been subverted and a known killer was allowed to walk free.
Nation Throws Hands Up, Tells Black Teenagers To Do Their Best Out There #~# WASHINGTON—Following Saturday's not guilty verdict in the George Zimmerman trial, an exasperated and speechless nation could reportedly do nothing other than wish black teenagers good luck out there, saying that they’re definitely going to need it.
Zimmerman Found Not Guilty, Technically, But C’mon #~# SANFORD, FL—More than 16 months after he fatally shot 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in an altercation at a Florida condominium development, neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman was found, technically speaking, not guilty of murder Saturday, but c’mon.
CNN Holds Panel Discussion To Determine If There Race Problem In America #~# ATLANTA—Following the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the murder of African-American teenager Trayvon Martin, news network CNN convened a special on-air panel today to determine if perhaps some kind of race problem or division currently exists in the United States of America. “In the wake of this contentious verdict, it falls upon us to ask a difficult question: Might this trial and its aftermath actually point to a larger problem in our country concerning race relations?” said CNN anchor and panel moderator Anderson Cooper before kicking off the hour-long dialogue between several prominent experts in the field of race in America, including a black man, a black woman, a white man, and a second black man. “Does the outrage over the Zimmerman verdict demonstrate that our country remains somehow divided, in a sense, by race? Do there exist flaws in our legal system that prevent true equality for all Americans? And is race, in fact, a powerful and complicated force in American life? What do you think?” At press time, Cooper was inviting viewers to share their thoughts at CNN.com.
Great Career Comebacks #~# With Manny Ramirez attempting to return to the MLB at 41 years old, Onion Sports provides a guide to athletic competitors with the most amazing career comebacks.
J.K. Rowling Revealed To Be Pseudonym For Newt Gingrich #~# Former Speaker Wrote All Harry Potter Books, Sources Confirm
Michelle Obama Finally Gets Around To Reading ‘Dreams From My Father’ #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that she had put it off for a long time and that now was as good a time as any, Michelle Obama told sources Monday she had finally gotten around to reading her husband’s 1995 memoir Dreams From My Father. “I read the first couple chapters back when it came out, but I just couldn’t get through it, and it’s been lying on my dresser ever since,” said the first lady, explaining that she felt obligated to read President Obama’s autobiographical exploration of race and identity in America even though, “to be honest, it’s a little slow.” “The parts about his dad seem a little overwrought, and he spends so much time writing about himself that he comes across a bit narcissistic—who writes a memoir when they’re 33, anyway? I skimmed a lot of it, but I can still pretend I read the whole thing if he asks.” The first lady added that The Audacity Of Hope fucking sucked.
Study: Diet Soda Doesn’t Aid Weight Loss #~# A recent study by Purdue University has found that, contrary to popular thinking, drinking diet soda doesn’t aid in weight loss, and that its consumption can actually increase the likelihood of obesity and development of precursors to diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and other ailments. What do you think?
Famous Whistleblowing Cases In U.S. History #~# Edward Snowden is the latest whistleblower to alert the American people to conspiracy in a high-level organization. Here are some other famous whistleblowing cases over the years:
Microsoft Announces Major Company Overhaul #~# In a bid to compete more fiercely with competitors like Apple, Google, and Amazon, Microsoft on Thursday announced a sweeping reorganization, which officials say will help the company react more quickly to changing technology and speed up development of products. What do you think?
Insurance Company Gets Fucked Over By Another Cancer Patient #~# CHICAGO—Frustrated executives from the Blue Cross Blue Shield Association announced Friday that they are getting “completely fucked over” by Allentown, PA resident Matthew Greison, a 57-year-old man suffering from an advanced form of Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
Defense: ‘George Zimmerman Is, You Know, He’s A Decent Enough Guy’ #~# SANFORD, FL—At the end of a three-week trial in which they sought to prove their client innocent of the murder of teenager Trayvon Martin last year, defense attorneys for George Zimmerman presented closing arguments to jurors on Friday, saying that while he is “not the most wonderful person they’ve ever known,” Zimmerman is “you know, a decent enough guy.” “Listen, he’s not the greatest guy in the world, but what do you want to hear? He’s…well, he’s an okay person, I guess,” chief defense lawyer Mark O’Mara told the panel of six jurors, adding that his legal team doesn’t really know Zimmerman very well but that he seems fine, for the most part. “I mean, look: Are we best friends? No. Will I keep in touch with him after this trial? Probably not. But he’s basically a tolerable person, from what I can tell. I don’t know. I could be wrong. He could be a bad guy. Kind of hard to tell, though, you know?” O’Mara ended his remarks by shrugging his shoulders and silently walking back to his seat.
Egyptians Concerned About Direction Government Is Toppling In #~# CAIRO—Responding to the ongoing struggle for power following the July 4 military overthrow of Mohamed Morsi, many Egyptian citizens expressed fears on Friday that their government may be toppling in the wrong direction. “These protests, the military power grabs, and the looming threat of civil war all make me wonder if this is how our society should ideally collapse, and if, in fact, we are utterly falling apart in the wisest and most prudent fashion,” said Cairo resident Chigaru Habib, adding that he believes there are “far better ways” in which stability should completely and irretrievably break down. “I remember a time—and it wasn’t very long ago—when Egypt was crumbling in harmony with the will of the Egyptian people, toppling bravely toward a future of peace and prosperity. But now it seems those days are long gone.” Planned elections next spring will reportedly allow Egyptians to vote on which direction the government will topple next.
FBI Can’t Bring Themselves To Bust Guy Torrenting Every Season Of ‘Picket Fences’ #~# WASHINGTON—FBI officials announced Friday that even though they have enough evidence to make an arrest, they just can’t bring themselves to bust a man who recently downloaded all four seasons of the 20-year-old TV drama Picket Fences from a torrent site. “The crime definitely falls within our jurisdiction, but if this guy has actually reached a point in his life where he’s pirating Picket Fences, maybe he already has enough to deal with, you know?” said FBI Director Robert Mueller, expressing sympathy for the individual who apparently wishes to pass his time viewing 88 episodes of a television series that no one even bothered to release in its entirety on DVD. “We could slap him with a fine, but is that really going to be any worse than what he’s already going through? Maybe keeping up with the lives of Sheriff Jimmy Brock and his family as they negotiate the strange happenings of a small Wisconsin town is all this guy has to cling to these days. I say if that’s what you need, then so be it. Go right on ahead and enjoy Picket Fences.” The man who downloaded the show could not be reached for comment, which sources confirmed is unfortunate, because talking to another human being is something he could probably use right about now.
Derrick Rose Wondering If He Should Start Rehabbing Knee Sometime This Summer #~# CHICAGO—Fourteen months after undergoing surgery to repair a torn ACL, Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose told reporters Wednesday that he’s thinking about getting around to beginning rehabilitation on his knee sometime this summer. “I’ve enjoyed my time off, but I should probably get started soon if I still want to make it back by midseason,” said Rose, adding that with injuries it’s important to patiently wait for the first year or two before diving back into any activity whatsoever. “I don’t want to rush anything, but I guess I should begin those exercises where I can bend my knee and eventually walk again.” Rose, who admitted that he was enjoying the nice weather in Chicago, was reportedly leaning toward starting his physical therapy next year.
Judge: Apple Conspired To Drive Up E-Book Prices #~# A federal judge this week found Apple, Inc. guilty of conspiring with publishers to drive up the price of e-books by undercutting Amazon.com’s dominance of the digital books market, a decision that legal experts say may change the way books are priced and distributed online. What do you think?
MRI Exam Shows Yadier Molina’s Knee Contains All Kinds Of Gross Tendons, Cartilage #~# ST. LOUIS—Results from an MRI scan of Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina’s right knee revealed a “super gross” mess of blood, cartilage, and tendons inside the joint, concerned radiologists confirmed Thursday. “Yadier’s knee appears to be full of all this nasty, slimy stuff that totally makes you want to puke,” said Saint Louis University’s Dr. Joseph Farber, adding that there are a bunch of nasty worm-like things everywhere in the “completely disgusting” knee. “It’s all wet and greasy, too, almost like ground beef or brains. Ugh, I don’t even want to look at it, let alone touch it.” Farber added that Molina should avoid putting any weight on the knee, warning that doing so would “probably cause it to fall apart or explode or something.”
Justin Bieber Apologizes To Clinton For Insults #~# Following the release of a video showing Justin Bieber urinating in a restaurant mop bucket and saying “Fuck Bill Clinton,” the Canadian pop star reached out to the former president and apologized for his behavior, tweeting yesterday that the two had spoken personally and that Clinton was a “great guy.” What do you think?
Reasons For Obama’s Low Approval Rating #~# A new Quinnipiac University poll released Thursday showed that President Obama’s approval rating has plunged to 44 percent. Here are the reasons why Americans say they disapprove of Obama's job performance:
Terrified Johnny Depp Unable To Remove Tonto Makeup #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Following the release of Disney’s The Lone Ranger, actor Johnny Depp told reporters that the makeup he wore for his co-starring role in the film as Tonto still will not come off. “I’m telling you, I’ve washed my face 40 or 50 times and I keep scraping at it with my fingers, but it does nothing,” a panicking Depp explained, adding that he’s afraid the paint may have somehow seeped into his skin. “Christ, what if it never comes off? What if this is what I look like now? Please help me, I’m begging you.” Depp added that though Tonto’s stuffed-crow headdress also seemed to be inextricably fused to his head, he was happy to continue wearing it for a while.
Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite #~# COLUMBUS, OH—In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.
Completely Unknown Employee Begins Sending Email Updates To Office #~# RUTLAND, VT—According to employees at Innovo Digital Marketing, a series of emails sent this week updating them on upcoming office functions, the addition of new hires, maintenance issues, and a variety of other workplace matters are being sent from a coworker they have never heard of in their lives. “Yesterday, out of the blue, we got an email from someone named Karen asking if there was any interest in forming an office softball team. Who the fuck is Karen?” sales representative Andrew Bartlett said of the email titled “Update: Softball and Summer Hours,” which reportedly began, “Hey everyone, just received more info about the softball league,” and concluded, “Thanks guys! –Karen.” “You’d think there would have been some kind of preface or introductory note on the first email, but nope. Apparently this person is under the impression we know who she is. Her email signature says she is our company’s VP of Events Coordination. Do we even have one of those?” At press time, sources were reporting oh yeah, that Karen.
U.S. Stock Market Soars After Bernanke’s Reassuring Comments About ‘Pacific Rim’ #~# ‘The Giant Monsters And Robots Look Fucking Amazing,’ Says Fed Chief
George Zimmerman Offers To Just Plead Guilty And Pay Fine Or Whatever #~# SANFORD, FL—Claiming that his second-degree murder trial has “dragged on for way too long,” sources confirmed Thursday that former neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman offered to just plead guilty and pay the fine or whatever. “Look, I’m sick of having to deal with this, so just let me pay the 100 bucks or whatever it is and I’ll be on my way,” said Zimmerman, noting that he has already wasted three weeks in court fighting his murder charge in the February 2012 shooting death of unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. “At this point, I don’t even care anymore. I’ll take the slap on the wrist if it means I can get back to my life. And if I have to do community service or something then, fine, I’ll do that too.” Zimmerman added that he really needed to wrap things up by tomorrow at the latest, since he has “already missed way too many days of work for this stupid thing.”
DirecTV Launching Channel For Dogs #~# Satellite service provider DirecTV announced this week that beginning in August, the network will broadcast DogTV, a subscription-based channel with 24-hour programming for canines including short segments of green fields, doorbells, vacuum cleaners, and other stimuli. What do you think?
Mexico Surpasses U.S. As Fattest Nation #~# A new report by the United Nations has found that Mexico has overtaken the United States as the most obese nation in the Western Hemisphere, an incline experts have attributed to the proliferation of fast food chains, increasingly sedentary lifestyles, and rising income inequality. What do you think?
Report: Nation Thinking About Big, Warm Piece Of Cinnamon Coffee Cake Right Now #~# WASHINGTON—According to a press conference held moments ago by The Food Institute, Americans across the country are all presently picturing a fresh, right-out-of-the-oven warm piece of cinnamon coffee cake that just melts in your mouth. “Currently, the entire U.S. populace is thinking about digging into a soft, rich slice of coffee cake—one of those nice and big ones with the crumbles on top,” said Food Institute representative Raymond Dodge, adding that he, along with every other American resident, can almost taste a layer of crisp almond slices perfectly complementing the tender moistness of the rest of the cake. “Citizens throughout the nation are at this moment imagining how it would taste with some blueberries baked in, maybe a little whipped cream on the side, and a big, cool glass of milk to wash it all down.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation was glumly eating a granola bar.
Facebook: ‘We Will Make Our Product Worse, You Will Be Upset, And Then You Will Live With It’ #~# MENLO PARK, CA—In a statement released to its 1.1 billion users, social media site Facebook announced Wednesday that the company will continue to make bad changes to its product, that members will be very upset with these changes, and that said members will then just have to learn to live with these changes. “Here’s what’s going to happen: Facebook will introduce a bunch of new features to the site that everyone will hate and that will make your experience worse, you will complain about it, and then you will realize you are utterly powerless to do anything about these new features, at which point you will move on and continue to use our product every single day,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg told reporters, adding that users will voice their dissatisfaction via a post or two on their timelines and then gradually let it go and return to using the site as usual, because “that’s the way this is gonna go.” “This exact same scenario will repeat itself six months from now, and then a year from now, and then a year and a half from now, and so on and so forth, that’s the deal, get used to it, talk to you later.” Facebook officials added that any users who strongly disagree with their policy should feel free to deactivate their accounts and reactivate them two days later.
I Think People Could Have Been A Little More Sympathetic About My Broken Nose #~# The past year and a half has been a very difficult time for me. It’s all been so upsetting and surreal, what with the night of the incident, my arrest, the resulting media feeding frenzy, and now, of course, my trial. At times it seems all anyone wants to talk about is what crime I may or may not have committed. Amidst it all, though, one thing has been nagging at me, and I hate to be the one to dig up old bones here, but I have to say, I honestly expected people to show a bit more sympathy and understanding about my broken nose.
Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Rushes Out Of Summer Class To Make Court Hearing #~# BOSTON—After hurriedly gathering papers from his desk and giving a quick nod to his professor, Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev rushed out of his summer engineering class at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth this morning to make his arraignment in U.S. District Court, sources reported. “Shit, I already missed two Loop buses and the next one isn’t for 15 minutes—I’m going to be so late,” the 19-year-old terror suspect told classmates on his way out, noting that because he left his UMass Pass at his dorm, he would have to rifle through his backpack for some change while running to the bus stop. “The good news is that I’m only missing half a lecture, so as I long as I get notes from someone it should be fine. Plus, this class is pass/fail anyway.” At press time, sources were reporting that upon arriving at the courthouse, Tsarnaev apologized to the judge for his tardiness and explained that he had usually gotten rides from his brother.
Pregnant Wife Has No Idea Which Jonas Brother She Married #~# LOS ANGELES—During an announcement that she was pregnant with the couple’s first child, Danielle Jonas confirmed Wednesday that she was still not entirely sure which of the Jonas Brothers she had married. “The one with the curly hair…that’s Joe, right? Or is it Nick?” said the 25-year-old, who wondered aloud if she had possibly wed “Kellen” [sic] Jonas in 2009. “Honestly, I don’t know. When all three of them are together, I can’t really tell them apart, but I’m definitely having a baby with one of them.” At press time, a still unsure Danielle Jonas told reporters she would ask her 10-year-old niece because “she’s really into the Jonas Brothers.”
‘The Onion’ Offers A Swift, Painless Death To Edward Snowden #~# Since leaking classified details of mass surveillance operations carried out by the U.S. government, former NSA contractor Edward Snowden finds himself in particularly perilous circumstances. Of the 20 countries with which Mr. Snowden has applied for asylum, only three—Venezuela, Nicaragua, and Bolivia—have accepted, and none have the political leverage or global influence to fulfill their promises of his protection. Meanwhile, as U.S. authorities attempt to extradite Snowden for federal prosecution, his passport has been cancelled, American allies have threatened to deny airspace to any flight upon which he is traveling, and his options are growing thinner by the day.
A-Rod Shows Minor Leaguers Proper Way To Put Down Teammates #~# TAMPA, FL—A week into his rehabilitation stint with the minor league Tampa Yankees, third baseman Alex Rodriguez reportedly impressed his new teammates Wednesday by sharing valuable tips about proper technique for putting each other down. “To alienate players at a major league level, you have to be active and aggressive about creating hostility toward them with a wide variety of disparaging remarks,” Rodriguez said to the dugout full of wide-eyed minor leaguers eagerly absorbing every word of his advice. “Stay focused on escalating pointless, petty squabbles as much as you can, and pretty soon you’ll see yourself getting involved in longer, more vicious disputes. The most important thing is that, deep down, you’re a bitter and hateful person. That’s something you can’t coach.” Tampa catcher Tyson Blaser confirmed that after practice, Rodriguez offered to take everyone except pitcher Rafael De Paula out to dinner and explain some subtle tactics for starting feuds.
Clear Theme Of Obedient Children Emerging In Father’s Bedtime Stories #~# HUMBOLDT, TN—Citing recent tales such as “Hank the Homework-Before-Dessert Dog,” “Elmer the Don’t-Talk-Back Parrot,” and “Hard Work Is Its Own Reward,” 8-year-old Travis Ferland told reporters Wednesday the theme of obedient children had begun to recur in his father’s bedtime stories. “In last night’s story, Ricky the Raccoon was almost to Pinecone Castle to rescue Princess Porcupine when he suddenly turned around and went home because he realized he had forgotten to ask his dad for permission to go outside,” said Travis, noting that his father had also recently introduced a human character named “Travvie” who, because he wishes to be a big help to his father, chooses to rake leaves without receiving an allowance. “At least it was better than the one about the unicorn who goes on a trip with his parents and does nothing the whole time but sit quietly in the backseat of the car and behave himself.” Travis’ father, Peter Ferland, declined to comment on the bedtime stories and instead asked if his son had been polite or “acted like a little shit” when talking with reporters.
Eliot Spitzer Announces Return To Politics #~# Eliot Spitzer, who resigned as New York governor in 2008 after admitting that he solicited call girls from a prostitution ring, confirmed this week that he is running for New York City comptroller, asking voters to forgive him for the scandal so he can return to public service. What do you think?
Bin Laden Wore Cowboy Hat To Avoid Detection #~# According to an investigation by the Pakistani government into the death of Osama bin Laden leaked to the public Monday, the former al-Qaeda leader wore a cowboy hat, shaved his beard, and used other tricks to avoid being detected by authorities for nearly 10 years. What do you think?
Logo Of Smiling Cartoon Tooth Holding Brush Inspires Nothing But Confidence In Local Oral Surgeon #~# GREENEVILLE, TN—A cartoon image of a giant tooth smiling and holding a toothbrush in the window of Dr. Howard Goldenthal’s office inspires nothing but total, unqualified confidence in his abilities, local patients of the oral surgeon confirmed Tuesday. “I was initially pretty nervous about getting my wisdom teeth out, but after seeing a sign on Dr. Goldenthal’s office featuring an anthropomorphic tooth waving a big toothbrush in one hand and giving a thumbs up with the other, I realized my concerns were both unfounded and ridiculous,” said 24-year-old Dennis Kierstead, adding that the fact that the tooth is happy and clean-looking is, in itself, proof positive that Dr. Goldenthal is a trained medical professional of the highest stature. “I looked into the tooth’s big, round, googly eyes and immediately thought, ‘What am I worried about? This is clearly an establishment of unblemished excellence, and I have no problem with this dentist anaesthetizing me and sticking sharp metal instruments into my mouth.’” Kierstead also confirmed he was put even more at ease after seeing the name of the establishment was Dependable Dental.
If You Think You Can Talk To Your Mother Like That, Then You’ve Paid Attention To The Way I’ve Subtly Degraded Her For Years #~# Listen up, young man, because I’m only going to say this once. You have been acting more and more disrespectful to your mother lately, and frankly, she’s at the end of her rope. Between snapping rude profanities at her to making ungrateful demands, you’ve treated her more like a servant than the woman who raised you. Your mother has noticed it, I’ve noticed it, and all I have to say is that if you think you can talk to your mother like that, then you’ve certainly paid very close attention to the subtle ways in which I’ve completely torn down her sense of self-worth for years.
Jay-Z CEO Resigns After Stock Price Plunges #~# NEW YORK—Following a dismal second quarter in which the company’s stock price plummeted more than 30 percent, CEO Walter Kempman stunned shareholders Tuesday by announcing that he will resign his leadership of the New York–based entertainment conglomerate Jay-Z. “We are grateful for all Walter has done for Jay-Z, but ultimately the board of directors recommended that he step down,” said chairman David Casey, who admitted that the brand had struggled somewhat since Jay-Z went public in 2003 to an impressive IPO of $17.6 billion. “When my grandfather, a simple car mechanic from Akron, Ohio, founded Jay-Z in 1949, he did so in hopes of providing the very best in service to our customers. We are confident that with the right adjustments, we can return to that vision as we lead Jay-Z into the future.” Top Jay-Z executives will reportedly now turn their attention to finding a replacement CEO, with COO Michael Quinlan, vice president James Clark, and CFO Shawn Carter taking over Kempman’s responsibilities during the interim.
Andy Murray Claims It's Kind Of Pathetic Britain Taking So Much Pride In His Win At A Tennis Tournament #~# LONDON—After becoming the first British player to win the Wimbledon men’s singles championship since 1936, Andy Murray announced Tuesday that the amount of pride Great Britain has taken in his victory at a tennis tournament is “actually pretty pathetic.” “I’m a professional tennis player who beat another professional tennis player, and people are seriously calling it one of the greatest moments in Britain’s history?” said Murray, adding that while he understands his victory means a lot to the United Kingdom, the British public needs to “get their priorities straight, and do it fast.” “I won a tennis tournament—a prestigious tennis tournament that’s very difficult to win, but a tennis tournament nonetheless—and millions across Scotland, England, and Wales are celebrating in the streets and waving Union Flags. Don’t you think that’s a little sad? I mean, Christ, it’s not like I cured fucking cancer. Or even won the World Cup, for that matter.” Murray then tossed the Wimbledon trophy to the assembled press corps, telling reporters they could “have the goddamn thing if they’re so fucking happy about it.”
Zoo Visitors Watch Mating Rituals Of Ice Cream Shop Staff #~# ST. LOUIS—Describing the behavior as bizarre yet captivating, dozens of visitors to the Saint Louis Zoo reportedly looked on in fascination Saturday as the ice cream shop’s staff engaged in their unique mating rituals.
Study: Unpaid Internships Don’t Lead To Jobs #~# A recent study found that college seniors who held unpaid internships received essentially the same number of job offers as those who did not, while both groups earned far fewer offers than students who held paid internships. What do you think?
Pilot Had Little Experience Landing Boeing 777 #~# According to airline officials, the pilot of the Asiana Airlines flight that crashed at San Francisco International Airport Saturday had limited experience landing a Boeing 777 jetliner, and had only 43 hours of flying time behind the controls of the plane when he attempted to touch down on the runway. What do you think?
Area Man Loses All Control Of Face While Thinking #~# BELLEVILLE, IL—Scientists observing the behavior of local man David Berham told reporters on Monday that the 34-year-old, remarkably, is completely unable to control his facial muscles whenever he has to process information of any kind. “As soon as Mr. Berham’s brain engages with even a simple question or concept, his mouth and forehead immediately begin to contract and relax of their own accord,” Johns Hopkins University’s Dr. Paula Kirchman told reporters, noting that while he is thinking, Berham’s facial expressions have absolutely no relation to his current mind state or to any type of recognizable human emotions. “Sometimes, while he is engaged in the process of conscious thought, a look of either utter disgust or incredible pain will appear on Mr. Berham’s face and stay there for minutes on end, an expression he is completely unaware that he is making. However, just as often, he will spend this entire period of time with his mouth agape, his eyes dead, and his every facial feature drooped, as though he has slipped into an unconscious or prolonged vegetative state.” Dr. Kirchman added that preliminary medical research shows that, while engaged in thought, Berham’s facial structure is externally most akin to that of either a fucking idiot or a big fucking moron.
Despite Armie Hammer Profile In ‘Good Housekeeping’ Magazine, ‘Lone Ranger’ A Flop At Box Office #~# LOS ANGELES—In a development that stunned studio executives, the new Disney motion picture The Lone Ranger somehow flopped at the box office over its opening weekend despite a recent profile of star Armie Hammer in Good Housekeeping magazine. “We’re totally in disbelief over the way the movie has underperformed—people saw the half-page interview with Armie Hammer in Good Housekeeping, right?” Disney Executive Vice President of Worldwide Distribution Dave Hollis said of the 153-word article titled “Armie Hammer on What Makes a Good Marriage,” which mentions that the actor’s wife, Elizabeth, doesn’t like cold baths and that the couple does not keep secrets from each other. “It’s extremely frustrating when you have a film that has everything going for it—big-name stars, a $175 million marketing budget, a sidebar interview with Armie Hammer in Good Housekeeping magazine—and it’s still not enough. I mean, what more could we have done?” At press time, the film’s profits had reportedly picked up dramatically after Hammer sat down with E! News to talk about what it was like riding a horse.
FAA Advises Asiana Airlines Pilot To Get Back Out There After Crash #~# 'You Don’t Want To Lose Your Confidence,' Agency Says
‘True Blood’ Characters Openly Talking About How They Can’t Wait For Episode To End #~# BON TEMPS, LA—During Sunday night’s installment of HBO’s supernatural drama True Blood, several characters on the show overtly mentioned that the episode was really dragging and that they couldn’t wait for it to finally end. “Christ, when is this shitty show going to be over?” said character Bill Compton to the show’s protagonist, Sookie Stackhouse, adding that he was getting “pretty tired” of speaking with “this stupid accent” all the time. “I’m sorry, but this episode sucks dick, you guys, and there’s still like five minutes left. Should we just split early? It feels like we’ve been sitting in this dumb swamp talking about dark realms and faeries for about 12 hours. Are we seriously on Season 6 of this thing?” Sam Merlotte, a shapeshifter character on the program, reportedly spent the remainder of the episode openly complaining that the scene where he was hiding from werewolves was boring and a “complete waste of [his] time.”
Panicked Sabermetricians Forced To Rethink Entire Sport After Discovering They Missed At Bat From Lou Brock On August 3, 1975 #~# PHOENIX—The entire field of sabermetrics was thrown into a frenzied panic Thursday after a previously undocumented at bat from former St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Lou Brock on August 3, 1975 forced sabermetricians to completely rethink their understanding of the sport of baseball. “So if you plug Brock’s 3-2 count and ground out into the OPS formula, the standard deviation and expected value for every single player and team is completely off—goddammit, none of this makes sense now,” said visibly anxious Society for American Baseball Research sabermetrician Tony Branham, sweating profusely as he pored over thousands of pages of statistics from the last 30 MLB seasons. “The Total Pitcher Index, Wins Above Replacement, Batter-Fielder Wins, batting averages, ERAs, RBIs—that one third-inning at bat against the Cubs makes all of this stuff meaningless. How the hell does baseball work?” At press time, based on the new understanding of sabermetrics, Braham confirmed that former New York Yankees centerfielder Mickey Mantle did not actually exist.
Best Music Festivals Of Summer 2013 #~# The summer music festival season is in full swing, with music fans gathering by the thousands at outdoor venues for a chance to see dozens of their favorite artists perform live. Here are some of the biggest music festivals of the summer:
CIA Interrogator Apologizes Profusely After Asking Question About Touchy Subject #~# GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA—Following an intrusive line of questioning during an interrogation Sunday, CIA agent Martin Crenshaw reportedly apologized profusely to suspected enemy combatant Faisal Ishaq for bringing up the admittedly touchy matter of his connection to al-Qaeda cells in Yemen. “Oh, jeez, I’m so sorry—that was way out of line,” a mortified Crenshaw said to Ishaq moments after posing an uncomfortable question regarding the detainee’s known ties to terrorist leaders, stating that he was fully aware of what a sensitive topic that was and acknowledging that it was “not really any of [his] business.” “Gosh, I wasn’t thinking at all when I said that, and I feel just terrible about putting you on the spot there. Please accept my apologies and let’s just forget I ever said that. What do you say we just start this over, okay?” In a further show of contrition, Crenshaw offered to lower the electrical current passing through Ishaq’s testicles.
Breastfed Children Achieve Higher Social Status #~# According to new research, people who were breastfed as infants had higher cognitive development than those who were not breastfed and were 24 percent more likely to increase their social status over their lives, as measured by income and job. What do you think?
Belichick To Tebow: ‘I’m Your Lord And Savior Now’ #~# BOSTON—Warning that he was a dark and vengeful God, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly pulled aside Tim Tebow at the team’s facilities Thursday and informed the backup quarterback that he was his only Lord and savior now. “This is your church now, and you shall worship me,” said Belichick, who sources confirmed clutched Tebow’s throat and slammed the former Heisman Trophy winner against a concrete wall. “If you want to see a wrathful God, then question me on playing time. I will crush you into dust. And if I ever see you on your knees, you better be praying to me or you will be destroyed by my blistering fury.” At press time, Tebow told reporters that he was renouncing Jesus Christ.
‘I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore, Little Buddy!’ Says Mother In Midst Of Nervous Breakdown #~# ASHEVILLE, NC—While suffering an unexpected nervous breakdown Thursday morning, local woman Alyssa Mullen reportedly admitted to her 5-year-old son that she “just doesn’t know who [she is] anymore, little buddy.” “I’m trying my best to remember what the point of all this is, kiddo, but I’m really having a hard time of it,” Mullen told her son Jacob, moments after watching a mug of coffee slip out of her hands and shatter on the kitchen floor. “Buddy, every day I wake up and I see the sun slipping through the blinds, and I just feel sick, sick, sick, sick. It’s like I’m drowning and no one can see me! You know what I mean, little man?” At press time, Mullen was clutching her son to her chest and repeating the phrase, “It’s okay, bud.”
Cubs Players Heckle Lackluster Fans In Wrigley Field Stands #~# CHICAGO—After seeing yet another anemic, lifeless display in the stands, sources confirmed Tuesday that frustrated Chicago Cubs players began heckling the team’s lackluster fans at Wrigley Field. “C’mon! Show some heart, for God’s sake!” Cubs outfielder Nate Schierholtz reportedly screamed while his fellow teammates loudly booed the fans in the stadium. “You’re fucking pathetic! You don’t deserve to wear those colors!” At press time, irate Cubs players and coaches were seen leaving the game en masse midway through the seventh inning.
Farmer Who Cleared Out Crops To Build Baseball Field Goes Bankrupt, Loses Family, Arrested For Tax Evasion #~# DYERSVILLE, IA—After allegedly listening to voices in his head instructing him to clear out a significant portion of his crops to construct a baseball diamond, sources close to local man Tom Petrillo, 36, confirmed Friday that the deluded heartland farmer has since gone bankrupt, become estranged from his family, and been arrested for tax evasion. “It’s horrible; this was a guy struggling to keep his farm afloat in an extremely challenging economic climate, and the next thing you know he’s razing his one source of livelihood because the hallucinations told him to,” said neighbor Mark Drysdale, who recounted how Petrillo spent weeks tearing up his cornfield and spent thousands of dollars erecting a makeshift baseball stadium against the pleas of his friends, family, and creditors. “Now he’s locked up in jail for failing to pay his taxes, the bank’s foreclosing on his property, and his wife and daughter don’t want anything to do with him. All because of that fucking baseball field.” When reached for comment, authorities at the Dyersville Police Department said that Petrillo had recently been moved to a nearby psychiatric ward after being discovered naked and unresponsive in his holding cell repeating the nonsensical phrase, “If you build it, he will come.”
Sibling Bullying Just As Bad As Peer Bullying #~# A recent study found that kids who were physically or psychologically bullied by siblings suffered comparable or even worse mental health outcomes than if they were bullied by neighbors or classmates. What do you think?
13 Year Old Boy Diagnosed With Incurable Puberty #~# ROCHESTER, MN - Doctors at the Mayo Clinic announced this week that despite, their best efforts, there is no hope of a cure for 13 year old puberty victim Ben Dobson. "Unfortunately there is no treatment for a case of pubescence this severe," said lead physician Mark Felderman. "Ben will continue to become hairier, ganglier, and more awkward around girls. We've given him a notebook he can use to cover his erections, but there's not much else we can do." At press time, Ben Dobson is not normal, he is a cracking voiced weirdo, and he always will be, sources confirmed.
Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought #~# PRINCETON, NJ—The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced Study.
U.S. Celebrates Independence Day #~# Americans are enjoying the day off with friends and family in celebration of the 237th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How are you celebrating the Fourth of July?
Justin Upton Realizes He’s Been At Bat For 4 Hours #~# ATLANTA—Taking a timeout during the third inning of Tuesday’s game against the Marlins, Braves left fielder Justin Upton reportedly realized he’d been at bat for more than four hours. “Man, how long have I been up here?” Upton was overheard muttering after fouling off 437 consecutive full-count pitches from eight different Marlins pitchers. “It’s getting fairly dark outside, my shoulders are really starting to ache, and the fans are starting to leave. I mean, I get that it’s important to be patient and wait for the right pitch, but this is taking fucking forever.” At press time, the inning had ended as Jason Heyward was caught stealing second.
BREAKING: Lovers Lost In Fog #~# ‘Isabelle!’
Report: 79% Of Sincere Thoughts Played Off As Jokes #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—According to a groundbreaking new report from researchers at Yale University’s Center for Cultural Sociology, a full 79 percent of all sincere thoughts expressed in conversation are played off as jokes before they register their intended effect. “Our research shows conclusively that whenever an individual attempts to express a compliment, concern, or other personal opinion, they will, in nearly four-fifths of cases, quickly neutralize this sentiment through the use of sarcasm or another rhetorical device intended to convey a lack of seriousness,” said Yale sociologist and lead author of the study Laura Briscoe, citing multiple case studies in which a subject began to tell a friend how much their friendship meant to him or her, before abruptly diverting the conversation into an extended comic routine on how they should get married and open a bed and breakfast. “In fact, in the rare event that an individual successfully communicates a candid idea or belief—for example, a woman telling her husband she wants a baby, without then remarking that they could sell it on the black market—the vast majority of listeners are so conditioned to everything they hear being passed off as jokes that they assume the other person is joking, thus disarming the sentiment. All told, the proportion of genuine, heartfelt words that actually reach the intended party is about 1 percent.” Briscoe hurriedly added that her research was actually pretty stupid, and that she only became the head of Yale’s sociology department “to get at that sweet behaviorism money.”
Less Than 1 In 4 Americans Trust Newspapers #~# A Gallup poll found that only 23 percent of Americans are confident in the information they receive from newspapers, down from a high of 51 percent in 1979. What do you think?
Kids Tired Of Hearing Boring Stories About How Father A Skilled, Generous Lover #~# MANCHESTER, NH—Saying they had heard each one of his anecdotes “a thousand times,” local siblings Lindsay, Alex, and Danielle Curtis told reporters Monday they were tired of listening to their father repeat the same boring stories about his skillful, selfless lovemaking.
Dying Kid In Houston Holding On Until Astros Develop Player Worth Meeting #~# HOUSTON—Danny Kelvin, a 10-year-old Astros fan suffering from an advanced form of acute lymphoblastic leukemia, told reporters Thursday that he is just trying to hold on until the team develops a player actually worth meeting.
Apparently Facebook Friend Under Impression Ron Paul Still Running For Major Federal Office #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Based on his recent activity on Facebook, local man Arthur Gibson, 29, is reportedly under the impression that libertarian icon and former presidential candidate Ron Paul is still running for a major federal office of some kind, sources confirmed Tuesday. “In times such as these, we require an experienced leader who is willing to stand behind the courage of his convictions and do what is right for America, and that man is Ron Paul,” Gibson wrote in just his latest post on the social networking site, seemingly unaware that the 77-year-old political theorist and former congressman is neither running for president nor in a position wherein he can directly affect public policy in any way. “[President Barack] Obama has had his chance, and yet he has consistently failed us at every turn. Well, no more. It’s time for us to take back our country.” Gibson’s Facebook friends later confirmed that the staunch libertarian has held unfounded delusions about Paul’s ability to play a role in the political process since as far back as 2008.
16-Year-Old Excited To Have Whole Summer To Plan Shooting For Next School Year #~# TERRE HAUTE, IN—A few days into his summer vacation, local 16-year-old John Vucinich told reporters Tuesday that he is excited to have the next three months to do nothing but sit back, relax, and meticulously plot out the details of the mass shooting he is planning for the upcoming school year. “After a long, stressful year, it’s great to have all this free time to just kick up my feet and figure out exactly when, where, and how I’m going to make everyone pay,” said Vucinich while lying comfortably in a deck chair and sketching out a “rough list” of students and teachers he plans on targeting during his upcoming rampage, as well as a tentative arsenal. “When class is in session, there’s way too much homework and studying for me to spend on outside projects, like sketching out a route from the parking lot to the cafeteria in order to maximize the body count. But now I have all the time in the world! Will I get Clint and those guys on the football team first? Should I go for head shots or just spray the crowd? Luckily I have a long, lazy summer to figure all that stuff out.” At press time, Vucinich was enjoying a glass of fresh squeezed lemonade while fantasizing about leaving homemade explosives in the trash cans by the gymnasium, the teacher’s lounge, and the library.
Last Time I Checked This Was Still America, But If I’m Being Honest, That Was A While Ago #~# As a man born and bred in the US of A, I’m sick and tired of the direction this country is headed in. There are people out there who think they can just turn our morals and principles upside down and undercut the very values that make this nation great. They think they can deface the vision of the Founding Fathers while the rest of us just stand idly by. Well, those people have another thing coming, because the last time I checked, this was still America, although if I’m being completely honest with you, that was a pretty long time ago.
Study: 95% Of People Don’t Wash Hands Correctly #~# A Michigan State University study, which observed 3,700 people washing their hands in public bathrooms, found that only one in 20 people wash well enough to kill bacteria and other germs, with the other 95 percent not using soap, not scrubbing for the recommended 20 seconds, or not washing at all. What do you think?
Fossilized Evidence Reveals Spazosaurus Was Largest Doofus To Ever Roam Earth #~# MOAB, UT—U.S. paleontologists reportedly unearthed a nearly intact skeleton of a Spazosaurus Tuesday, an extraordinary discovery providing evidence indicating that the awkward, uncoordinated, and peculiar creature was the largest doofus to ever roam the earth.
Wide-Eyed Minor Leaguer Never Thought He’d One Day Be Playing In NBT Bank Stadium #~# SYRACUSE, NY—Days after stepping foot onto the minor league baseball diamond for the first time, recently called up Syracuse Chiefs catcher Kris Watts told reporters Wednesday that he never in his wildest dreams thought he would one day have the chance to play in the “legendary” NBT Bank Stadium. “As a kid, you always fantasize about someday playing at the ’T, but to see it actually happen—it’s just incredible,” said the wide-eyed AAA backstop, adding that he still can’t believe he gets to run the bases on the same “hallowed ground” where Syracuse legend Corey Brown once hit a grand slam off Ryan Feierabend in front of 11,000 screaming Chiefs fans. “I mean, I leave my house every day and drive right up to 1 Tex Simone Drive like it’s the most normal thing on earth. And then I walk out of the dugout to play catch with guys like Yunesky Maya and Mark Lowe. It’s just crazy to think about.” Watts added that he still hadn’t quite wrapped his head around the fact that he now plays under iconic Chiefs manager and former Pittsburgh Pirates third-base coach Tony Beasley.
Tips For Hosting A Pool Party #~# With summer heating up and many Americans taking vacation for the Fourth of July holiday, millions across the country will be gathering together with friends and family poolside. Here are The Onion’s tips for enjoying a safe, fun, and memorable pool party:
American Dental Association Recommends Making Your Gums Hurt Really Bad Once A Day #~# CHICAGO—Reiterating the organization’s oral health care guidelines at a press conference Friday, a spokesperson for the American Dental Association reminded all Americans to make their gums hurt really bad once each day. “In addition to brushing your teeth twice daily with an ADA-accepted fluoride toothpaste, to maintain optimal dental hygiene, we recommend that you make your gums ache like hell every day—and we mean really make them sting,” said ADA Consumer Advisor Ada S. Cooper, who stated that optimal oral health was best achieved through abrading and irritating the gumline until it became impossible to drink cold water without wincing in pain. “Too many people skip the crucial step of causing their gums to burn and throb, but it is vitally important to get in there each night and just rub those things raw. Basically, if you have to hold your hand up to your jaw afterwards and massage your gums to assuage the pain, then you’re on the right path to a happy, healthy mouth.” Cooper reminded Americans that the easiest way to determine whether they were scraping their gums properly was to check whether they could both see and taste blood.
New Michael Bay Romantic Comedy To Focus On Love Story Between 2 Explosions #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s wanted to do something a little more personal for some time now, director Michael Bay, known for such big-budget action films as Transformers and Armageddon, announced Tuesday the start of production on What Are The Odds?, a quirky romantic comedy about two unlikely explosions who fall in love.
Progressive Charter School Doesn’t Have Students #~# ATLANTA—One year into its founding as the purported “bold next step in education reform,” administrators on Monday sang the praises of Forest Gates Academy, a progressive new charter school that practices an innovative philosophy of not admitting any students. “We’ve done something here at Forest Gates that is truly special, combining modern, cutting-edge pedagogical methods with a refreshingly non-pupil-centric approach,” said academy president Diane Blanchard, who claimed that the experimental school boasts state-of-the-art facilities, a diverse and challenging syllabus, absolutely zero students, a world-class library, and the highest faculty-student ratio in the nation. “Thanks to our groundbreaking methods, we’ve established a structured yet free-thinking environment where the student is taken out of the equation entirely, and in fact is not allowed on school property. And the results, we think, speak for themselves.” According to its budgetary records, Forest Gates has so far received approximately $80 million in public funding from the state of Georgia.
Government Bans Sugary, Fatty Snacks From Schools #~# Under the government’s new “Smart Snacks in Schools” guidelines, schools will no longer be allowed to stock vending machines or snack bars with treats exceeding 200 calories or those including trans fats. What do you think?
The Case For And Against Intervening In Syria #~# While the Obama administration has been considering an armed intervention in Syria following the gassing deaths of hundreds of Syrian civilians, a vocal movement in Congress and among the general public has emerged in opposition of any U.S. military role. Here are the arguments for and against American involvement in the war-torn Middle Eastern nation:
CEO Has Special Knack For Recognizing Great Ideas And Ruining Them #~# BALTIMORE—Employees at local technology firm Halverson Enterprises remarked to reporters Monday that CEO Peter Weathers, 61, has an extraordinary gift for discovering great ideas and then swiftly running them into the ground with his horrible modifications. “He’s just incredible at picking out the best proposal, watering it down, putting the wrong person in charge of it, and then abandoning the whole thing once it’s clear that he’s created a complete fucking train wreck,” said senior sales manager Francesca O’Toole, who added that even more remarkable was the virtuoso CEO’s knack at recklessly sinking enormous sums of the company’s money into the plans after he had thoroughly destroyed anything worthwhile about them. “It’s pretty incredible to watch [Weathers] walk into a project proposal meeting, commandeer the ideas that you’ve spent weeks tirelessly crafting, and then, in a split second, just transform them into total goddamn wastes of everyone’s time and energy. That’s the special ‘Weathers touch’ that really makes it obvious what a rare talent he is.” Sources also confirmed that Weathers has an undeniable flair for blaming someone else after the plans he had butchered inevitably failed.
50% Of Americans Oppose Intervention In Syria #~# According to an NBC poll, 50 percent of Americans oppose the use of military force against Syria in the wake of a purported chemical weapons attack by the government of Bashar al-Assad, compared to 42 percent who support military action. What do you think?
Students Can’t Believe They’re Actually Sitting In Class With Denison University Starting Quarterback Luke Pavlatos #~# GRANVILLE, OH—In what many described as “pretty incredible,” students at Denison University expressed disbelief Friday after realizing they were actually sitting in the same English 225 class as none other than the school’s starting quarterback, Luke Pavlatos. “Holy shit, Pav is here,” said sophomore Jared Stasio, who admitted it was difficult to fathom that he was sitting just two seats away from the very quarterback who commands Big Red at Piper Field. “Oh my God, number 8. He’s taking a class just like us. I can’t believe that they even make him go to class.  I mean you hear his name all the time and I guess you forget he’s still a regular student like everybody else.  I just hope I don't say anything stupid in front of him.” At press time, the students confirmed that despite being the “King of Denison,” Pavlatos was “so down to earth.”
Obama Throws Up Right There During Syria Meeting #~# WASHINGTON—During a meeting with Cabinet-level officials at the White House Friday morning, sources confirmed that President Barack Obama threw up right in the middle of discussions regarding a U.S. military intervention in war-torn Syria. “He got really quiet and pale when we began to discuss plans for a unilateral strike on al-Assad’s forces, but then [White House Chief of Staff] Denis McDonough mentioned the Muslim Brotherhood, and the president just puked right on the table,” said one source who was present, adding that Obama began dry heaving when talks turned to yesterday’s British parliamentary vote against any involvement in an imminent attack. “We thought he had gotten it all out of his system, but when [Secretary of State] John [Kerry] argued that the use of airborne military force must be swift and decisive in order to diminish the likelihood of a subsequent ground invasion, that just made Obama double over and hurl all over the floor. At that point, we simply had to stop the meeting.” At press time, Obama was reportedly sitting in the fetal position in a corner of the Oval Office as advisers frantically assured him that France is prepared to take military action alongside the United States.
Bricks Goddamned Everywhere, Reports Psychotic Study #~# PHILADELPHIA—A psychotic study authored by deranged researchers at the University of Pennsylvania confirmed Thursday that “the bricks…the bricks are goddamned everywhere.”
Latest U.N. Report Shows Raider Nation At Bottom Of Human Development Index Rankings #~# NEW YORK—According to a new report published Friday by the United Nations Development Programme, Raider Nation has for the fifth straight year held the lowest position in the Human Development Index rankings.
Scientists Grow Miniature Human Brains #~# Neuroscientists at an Austrian lab have grown pea-sized human brains that reach the same level of development as a 9-week-old fetus, though they claim the miniature brains, which are kept in nutrient-rich baths, are incapable of thought. What do you think?
Word Search On Box Of Frosted Mini-Wheats Fucking Impossible #~# TROY, NY—A word search puzzle featured on the back of a Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats box is just about fucking impossible, local man Glenn McCurdy confirmed Thursday. “Jesus Christ, why can’t I fucking do this?” said McCurdy, 34, referring to the impenetrable 10-letter by 10-letter grid, which reportedly includes such words as “breakfast,” “milk,” and “fun.” “I’ve been at it for almost an hour, and even the ones I got were some kind of fucking miracles. I mean, it looks like some of these words are in there backwards. Who the hell do they think I am? Bill fucking Gates?” At press time, a frustrated McCurdy had torn apart the cereal box to access the answers printed on the inside.
Fast Food Workers On Strike Across U.S. #~# Saying they want to be paid $15 an hour, thousands of employees of fast food chains walked off the job today in 50 cities across the country in what is believed to be the largest ever strike by fast food workers. What do you think?
Completely Unnatural Mixed-Race Couple Actually Kind Of Beautiful In A Way #~# LAFAYETTE, IN—While describing the couple’s relationship as nothing short of perverse, sickening, and totally unnatural, reports confirmed Thursday that Daniel Bowman, a 25-year-old black man, and Jennifer Pines, a 24-year-old white woman, are in a way actually sort of beautiful together.
Rookie Geno Smith Has Already Mastered Jets Offense #~# NEW YORK—After Jets quarterback Geno Smith finished last week’s game against the Giants with a 45.7 passer rating, head coach Rex Ryan told reporters Thursday that the team is very encouraged by the rookie’s mastery of their offensive system. “All camp we’ve watched to see if Geno understands what we’re trying to do here, and by completing barely half of his passes and throwing three interceptions against the Giants, he proved to everyone that he does,” said Ryan, adding that Smith demonstrated a firm grasp of key schematic elements such as staring down reads, throwing balls behind receivers, and rarely leading a drive of more than 20 yards. “When Geno carelessly scrambled out of the back of our end zone for a safety, I knew he was ready to lead the Jets in the regular season. He gets it.” Ryan confirmed that Smith’s greatest areas for improvement are boosting his relatively low sack and fumble totals.
Report: Millions Of Courageous Americans Overcoming Media Pressure To Be Thin #~# AUSTIN—According to a groundbreaking report released this week by researchers at the University of Texas, tens of millions of citizens across the United States are bravely resisting the relentless pressure from the media to be thin and active.
Features Of ‘Madden 25’ #~# With Electronic Arts releasing Madden NFL 25 this week, Onion Sports examines the new and innovative features of the popular football video game series.
Here’s The One True Way To Heaven #~# People ask me all the time about the Christian path to heaven. How can we get there? What acts must we perform? Some think the answers are unknowable. Others believe the divine kingdom may not exist at all. But let me assure you, heaven is a very real place. I’ve been there plenty of times, and it always starts with me getting into a van with a bag of mescaline and just flooring it out west into the desert sunset.
Eternal Bliss #~# Walk in heavenly, pristine halls of alabaster with the Lord at your side. Slumber in gossamer bedding to the soothing strains of golden-voiced cherubim. All this for the mere price of simply loving your neighbor—but not too much, or you’ll end up somewhere else.
George Zimmerman Asks Florida To Pay His Legal Costs #~# Saying that the donations he received from supporters online had dwindled, George Zimmerman, who was acquitted last month in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, will seek $300,000 from the state of Florida to cover legal costs he incurred in his defense. What do you think?
So, What’s It Going To Be? #~# Well, here we are. It’s been two years of fighting, over 100,000 people are dead, there are no signs of this war ending, and a week ago I used chemical weapons on my own people. If you don’t do anything about it, thousands of Syrians are going to die. If you do something about it, thousands of Syrians are going to die. Morally speaking, you’re on the hook for those deaths no matter how you look at it.
Report: Now Sadly The Best Time In American History To Be Black #~# BOSTON—Despite rampant cultural racism against African Americans in all aspects of American life, discriminatory voting laws, and a vast gap in educational opportunities, there has, sadly, never been a better time than 2013 to be black in America, a Tufts University study revealed Wednesday. “We found that it’s pretty heartbreaking that blacks today are much better off than they’ve ever been, especially because we still live in a country where racial equality remains more of an ideal than a reality,” the study’s lead author Dr. Sam Porter said in regards to the report, which noted that, unfortunately, African Americans have never had it better despite the fact that incarceration rates for blacks are nearly six times that of whites and only 42 percent of black students who enter high school will graduate. “If you don’t think about how—five decades after Martin Luther King Jr.’s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech—it’s perfectly legal in many parts of the country for police to detain and question a person just because he’s black, the findings are not as depressing. But then you do think about that, and then you realize it’s pretty pitiful that what blacks are going through right now in America could be considered a veritable heyday.” The study went on to point out that, on an optimistic note, at least black people aren’t worse off in 2013 than the nation’s women, who are just as fucked now as they’ve ever been.
50th Anniversary Of ‘I Have A Dream’ Speech #~# President Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and Oprah Winfrey will be among those delivering speeches on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial today in honor of the 50-year anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.’s historic “I Have a Dream” speech. What do you think?
Syria Conflict Intensifies As Bears Enter War #~# DAMASCUS—Syria’s ongoing civil war entered a new and dangerous phase today as tens of thousands of bloodthirsty bears reportedly descended on the strife-torn country, charging from city to city on a murderous rampage.
Mark Sanchez Lies Awake At Night Fantasizing About What Life Would Have Been Like If He Never Played Football #~# NEW YORK—Unable to sleep after a stressful day, Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez reportedly spent several hours last night lying in bed imagining how his life might have turned out if he hadn’t played professional football, sources confirmed Wednesday. “My life would be great if I weren’t a quarterback in the NFL,” the 26-year-old reportedly thought to himself, growing melancholy as he envisioned living in a nice little town surrounded by people who genuinely liked him. “I’d have a normal job and a boss I respect. I could make a mistake and only the people in the room would know about it. Strangers wouldn’t just shout at me on the street. Maybe I’d have a wife and a kid who would look up to me and be proud of me. Just to have one person in the world who believes I’m a hero—I think that would be enough.” According to sources, the last image in Sanchez’s mind before he fell asleep was of his imaginary family sitting side-by-side on the couch and rooting for Jets quarterback Geno Smith on the television.
Study: 25-Foot-Tall Asian Women Remain Underrepresented In Media #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study released Wednesday by the Center for Media and Social Research, 25-foot-tall Asian women are still vastly underrepresented in the nation’s mainstream media. “When Americans turn on the television or pick up a fashion magazine, they’re simply seeing very few, if any, depictions of 25-foot-tall Asian women,” said lead researcher Jessica Harris, who added that despite visibly towering above almost every major region in the country, 25-foot-tall Asian women remain notably absent from all but 1 percent of the films, newspaper articles, and novels surveyed. “Even in the rare cases in which 25-foot-tall Asian women are portrayed in the media, our study found them in stereotypical roles such as cleaning homes, performing secretarial duties, terrorizing the Eastern Seaboard, or raising children.” Harris went on to condemn the need for trailblazing 25-foot-tall Asian women like Lucy Liu to hide their heights with trick photography.
Most Used Words In The ‘I Have A Dream’ Speech #~# Civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his historic “I Have A Dream” speech from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial 50 years ago Wednesday. Above are the words and phrases used in King’s speech weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.
Nation’s Single Men Announce Plan To Change Bedsheets By 2019 #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that their bedsheets have no major stains and look completely fine except for a “couple flakes of skin here and there,” the nation’s single men announced Tuesday that their goal is to change their bedding by 2019.
NFL’s Top 10 Linebackers #~# With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. Here's a helpful guide to the league’s best linebackers.
Phantom Landlord #~# The caretaker of this comfortable, sunny 1-bedroom apartment will fix any maintenance issue in a timely and professional manner without your ever knowing what the fuck he looks like.
Shirtless Man Turns Face From Side To Side In Mirror While Running Hands Down Smooth Face #~# MADISON, WI—According to sources, shirtless, 22-year-old Michael Kotter stared at his cleanly shaven face in the mirror Tuesday, taking care to turn his face left and then right to see how spotless his skin looked after using the Philips Norelco Click & Style razor. While slightly pivoting his face in both directions, he reportedly leaned into the mirror to get a closer look, and then grazed his fingers along his left jaw line to feel for himself just how smooth his once rough and whiskered visage had become. Sources told reporters that prior to shaving, Kotter had to swipe the moisture off an extremely fogged-up mirror with his right hand, as steam had built up in his bathroom due to the hot shower Kotter had taken moments before. At press time, Kotter was staring at his cleanly-shaven face in the mirror and smirking.
McDonald’s To Add Chicken Wings To Menu #~# Next month, coinciding with the start of football season, McDonald’s will begin a nationwide rollout of its new Mighty Wings, breaded bone-in chicken wings flavored with cayenne and chili pepper, which will be available through November. What do you think?
NSA Spied On United Nations #~# According to leaked documents published by a German newspaper, the National Security Agency hacked into the video conferencing system at the United Nations headquarters in New York last summer, allowing it to spy on meetings. What do you think?
Some Stupid Thing Making The Rounds Among Your Facebook Friends Today #~# SEEMS LIKE GODDAMN EVERYWHERE—According to a cursory glance at your Facebook feed, just about every goddamn friend you have is passing around and commenting on some stupid and inescapable new viral web thing. The dumb thing, only marginally dissimilar to a thousand idiotic things before it and which evidently propagates itself by making friends pester additional friends in an unending chain of messages crowing “Hey, have you seen this [stupid thing]? It’s really [stupid.]” first showed up on your timeline around 7 a.m. and shows no sign of waning in popularity as 4 p.m. approaches. Social media experts predict that the stupid thing will remain popular for the next two days, at which time it will be replaced by an even stupider thing.
Entire Nation Pitches In To Save Yosemite #~# ‘C’mon, Gang! This Is Our Park’
Experts Point To Long, Glorious History Of Successful U.S. Bombing Campaigns #~# WASHINGTON—In light of increased pressure on President Obama to order a military strike on Syria, leading historians and military experts on Tuesday simply pointed to the United States’ longstanding and absolutely impeccable record of successful bombing campaigns over the past 60 years. “The record clearly shows that, in every instance since the Second World War in which the U.S. government has launched strategic missile attacks on foreign soil, our military forces easily targeted enemy assailants with total precision, leaving no civilian casualties, collateral damage, or any long-term negative consequences for the affected country or region, American foreign policy, or international relations as a whole,” said Harvard University historian Dr. Michael Carmona, adding that such past U.S. bombing operations have gone particularly well in Middle Eastern countries over the last century. “Just look at the 1954 bombings in Guatemala, the 1965-to-1973 bombings in Laos and Cambodia, the 1982 bombings in Beirut, the 1986 bombings in Libya, the 1987 bombings in Iran, the 1998 bombings in Iraq, the 1998 bombings in Sudan, the 1998 bombings in Afghanistan, routine airstrikes in Pakistan since 2005, the 2007 bombings in Somalia, the 2011 bombings in Somalia, and essentially the entire American military effort in Vietnam from 1960 to 1975. Those were all executed perfectly, and led, in the long run, to the most desirable possible outcome.” All experts on the subject then agreed unanimously that, if you want to create positive and lasting change in a troubled region, change that you will one day look back on with a deep sense of confidence, pride, and assurance that you did the right thing, then bombing campaigns are almost always the way to go.
Obama Weighing His Syria Option #~# WASHINGTON—Facing mounting domestic and international pressure to respond to the deployment of chemical weapons by the government of Bashar al-Assad, White House sources confirmed today that President Barack Obama is carefully weighing his option for dealing with the war-torn Middle Eastern nation. “The president has conferred with his top advisors and is currently considering everything from authorizing missile strikes against Syrian regime targets, to taking out Syrian regime targets with missile strikes—nothing is off the table at this point,” said White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough, noting that the president would “take all factors into consideration,” including the well-being of the Syrian people and the strategic interests of the United States, before settling on his only option. “The president recognizes that the situation in Syria is extremely delicate and that the U.S. faces complex consequences regardless of what he chooses; that’s why he’s giving the one option in front of him so much thought. He will not act until he’s confident in the inexorable decision he’s making.” At press time, Obama had reportedly narrowed his option down to missile strikes against Syrian regime targets, but stated that he would consider it for several more days before making a final decision.
NFL Seeks Restraining Order Against Intrusive Adam Schefter #~# NEW YORK—Claiming that the 46-year-old journalist is “clearly unhinged,” the National Football League has sought a restraining order against ESPN reporter Adam Schefter, sources confirmed Tuesday. “This weirdo is always showing up unannounced and following people around, and the harassment is really getting out of hand,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that the proposed legal injunction would prevent Schefter from coming within 100 yards of any team. “He’s totally obsessed—constantly calling, writing these creepy online posts, and asking inappropriate questions about private information. The guy is a total wack-job, and there’s no telling what he could do if this keeps up. Frankly, we fear for our safety and the safety of the entire NFL family.” At press time, authorities had reportedly just arrested Schefter on charges of stalking new 49ers backup quarterback Seneca Wallace after a team practice in Santa Clara, CA.
Lamar Odom Representative Denies Basketball Player Missing #~# ‘He’s In A Crack House,’ Agent Assures Media
Panda Born At D.C.’s National Zoo #~# After being artificially inseminated earlier this year, the Smithsonian National Zoo’s resident female panda Mei Xiang gave birth to a healthy 4.8-ounce cub Friday. What do you think?
Let Me Explain Why Miley Cyrus’ VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning #~# Over the years, CNN.com has become a news website that many people turn to for top-notch reporting. Every day it is visited by millions of people, all of whom rely on “The Worldwide Leader in News”—that’s our slogan—for the most crucial, up-to-date information on current events. So, you may ask, why was this morning’s top story, a spot usually given to the most important foreign or domestic news of the day, headlined “Miley Cyrus Did What???” and accompanied by the subhead “Twerks, stuns at VMAs”?
Person Sitting In Parked Car At 2:00 A.M. Probably Upstanding Member Of Community #~# SUDBURY, MA—Sources confirmed Monday that the man seen parked on a residential street at 2:00 a.m. in a ’93 Ford Lightning last night is, in all likelihood, a morally upright citizen with nothing but the most virtuous intentions. “He’s just been sitting there in the dark for the past thirty minutes in a car I’ve never seen around here before, so there’s no question in my mind that whatever he’s up to here, it’s totally ethical and legal,” Massachusetts native Samuel Brand said, adding that nothing about the man’s idling on a corner well after midnight seemed at all menacing or out of the ordinary. “Based on the fact that his car is in need of repairs and he doesn’t seem to have any reason to be here, it seems like this guy is just some law-abiding citizen looking to visit a friend or something. There certainly isn’t anything about this situation that I could call suspicious.” At press time, the man had abruptly revved his car’s engine and driven away for what sources speculate are entirely innocent reasons.
Study: Americans Enjoy Watching TV, Eating #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new study published Monday by the Pew Research Center, Americans enjoy watching television and eating. “Our research indicates that residents of the United States take great pleasure in watching television, often for many hours at once, and enjoy eating food in large quantities, preferably several or more times per day,” lead author Dr. Richard Cowell said of the study, which follows an earlier report that concluded the nation greatly prefers sitting to standing. “Our findings also suggest Americans enjoy watching television and eating at the same time.” According to the study, Americans do not enjoy being hungry or having no TV.
Town Nervously Welcomes Veteran Back Home #~# BEVERLY, MA—Upon Sgt. 1st Class Ted Orcutt’s return from a year of active combat duty in Afghanistan, the 34-year-old veteran’s tight-knit community came out in full force to nervously welcome him home, sources reported Monday. “Great to have you back, man,” said an apprehensive childhood friend of Orcutt, shaking the National Guard member’s hand just a beat too long as assorted neighbors and town officials smiled and looked on anxiously. “You look good. You look great! Hey, if you ever need anything, just let us know. Call me any time. For a beer, whatever. Phone’s always on.” At press time, locals were reportedly exchanging nervous glances as the veteran excused himself for a moment from his welcome-back barbecue.
’N Sync Reunites At VMAs #~# Boy band ’N Sync briefly reunited last night at the MTV Video Music Awards, singing and dancing to snippets of their hit songs “Girlfriend” and “Bye Bye Bye” as part of a longer medley performed by former member Justin Timberlake. What do you think?
Woman Who Left Room Crying Earlier Expects To Jump Back Into Party Just Like That #~# RUTLAND, VT—Despite being seen weeping as she left the room 15 minutes ago, area woman Rebecca Fordham, 35, apparently expects to easily and unobtrusively slip right back into the party and continue socializing as if nothing had happened, sources confirmed Saturday evening. “Oh, hey guys,” said Fordham, somehow thinking she could casually just re-enter a lighthearted party conversation like everything was normal, despite her eyes now being visibly red and puffy from sobbing audibly through a locked bedroom door. “What’s everybody drinking?” At press time, sources said Fordham had excused herself from a group of friends, entered the bathroom, and begun crying again.
Nation Feels Fucking Awful For Woman Who Sits Between Skip Bayless, Stephen A. Smith #~# BRISTOL, CT—Expressing their deepest most heartfelt sympathy, the American public announced Thursday that they feel really fucking terrible for the poor woman who sits between Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith on the ESPN program First Take. “What could she have possibly done to deserve something so fucking horrible?” said despondent ESPN viewer Mark Humphrey, adding that enduring the arguments of Bayless and Smith was nothing short of cruel and inhumane punishment. “That poor, poor woman. Why are they making her do this? I can’t imagine being in that appalling position. Those two are just repulsive monsters.” At press time, Bayless and Smith were screaming about whether Tim Tebow would fit into the Patriots offense along with Tom Brady while the woman was silently cutting herself.
Men Dressed As Mormon Missionaries Rob Home #~# Two men dressed as Mormon missionaries rang the doorbell of a Las Vegas house and told the homeowner they wanted to speak with him about Jesus Christ, before pulling out a gun, assaulting the resident, entering his home, and stealing cash and iPads. What do you think?
Breaking Bad #~# AMC
Monday, September 2 #~# Due to budget cuts, beginning next week the library is replacing Movie Mondays with Blondie Comic–Reading Mondays.
Employee Offering Suggestion At Meeting Slowly Grows Quieter And Quieter Until Eventually Squeaking ‘I Don’t Know’ #~# PLANO, TX—While speaking up at a business strategy meeting earlier today, sources confirmed that Ceres Network Analytics assistant sales manager Jeffrey Horton, 49, offered a suggestion for the future of the company that steadily decreased in volume and intensity until he wrapped up his dwindling remarks with a squeaked "I don't know."
Report: Last Time Anyone Actually Rose To The Occasion Was 2002 #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that not one person over the past decade has succeeded in approaching a personal or professional challenge head-on and tackling it, a new study by the Pew Research Center has found the last time anyone actually rose to the occasion was in 2002. “Research indicates that the last instance of any person on earth actually stepping up and getting something done in a way that met or exceeded expectations was Mark Rubin in April, 2002,” lead author Dr. Henry Glosser said of the California man, who, when asked to the movies by a friend, proceeded to communicate travel arrangements clearly and accurately, purchase tickets to the correct show time in advance, and arrive at the theater with enough time to find better-than-average seats and use the restroom before the start of opening credits. “There have been a few occasions in the last 10 years when people have come very close to meeting the moment and succeeding on all fronts—including a local father who attended nearly all of his son’s baseball game, a local fundraising organization that raised about 70 percent of their goal to buy new school textbooks, and a few actors whose performances were slightly more entertaining than movie reviews had indicated—but aside from that, we haven’t found a single instance in which someone actually carried out a task from start to finish in a way that wasn’t, ultimately, somewhat flawed and underwhelming at best.” Researchers added that in corroboration of their findings, they documented a record 32.5 billion occasions of complete and utter fuckups in the past two weeks alone.
Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt #~# NEW YORK—Author Chuck Klosterman reportedly cornered a guy who was wearing a Dio shirt at a party Thursday evening and dominated an exhaustive discussion on the metal band, addressing the group’s fantasy themes, deconstructing lyrics, and expounding a variety of related and semi-related topics.
Ben Affleck To Play Batman #~# The president of Warner Bros. announced yesterday that Ben Affleck will play the role of Batman in the 2015 sequel to this summer’s Man of Steel, in which Batman will join forces with Superman. What do you think?
Goldman Sachs Announces They’re Blowing Up A Nursing Home And There’s Nothing Anyone Can Do About It #~# NEW YORK—Executive board members of Goldman Sachs called an afternoon press conference today to announce they will be exploding a local intermediate care facility, adding that “we’re doing it, and there’s basically nothing anyone can do about it.” “We decided today we really want to blow up a nursing home, so we’re going to do that and, honestly, I can’t think of a single thing that any one of you could possibly do to stop us—in fact, I’d like to see you try,” said company chairman and CEO Lloyd Blankfein, who later added that residents of the Ocean Trail Care Center in Jamaica, Queens “can leave the facility if they want, or stay right there for all we care, but either way that whole damn nursing home is going up in smoke at 6 p.m.” “So, anyway, that’s what’s going on. We’re placing the explosive charges now and, again, you are all completely powerless to stop us. Have a good day and fuck all of you.” At press time, well, they did it.
Nate Silver Vows To Teach Chris Berman How To Read #~# BRISTOL, CT—Weeks following the announcement of his move to ESPN, renowned statistician Nate Silver told reporters Friday that he has made it his personal goal to teach his coworker and fellow analyst Chris Berman how to read.
Narrow Gaps In Bathroom Stall Doors To Be Widened Monday #~# WASHINGTON—Introducing a new measure set to be implemented nationwide, officials announced that gaps in restroom stall doors in American workplaces, restaurants, schools, theaters, and all other public places will be made wider by the start of business Monday morning. “We ask citizens to bear with us as we modernize every toilet stall in the country by doubling the width of the gap between each door and its surrounding frame,” Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said of the sweeping, mandatory initiative. “The inconvenience should only last a few hours—just long enough to reduce the overall height of the stalls by several inches and retrofit the doors so they are slightly translucent and feature no locking bolt. Then you may all get on with your lives.” Sebelius added that her department unfortunately does not have room in its budget to pay for the lubrication of the country’s glory holes, but said an effort would be made to sand down any sharp edges that are found.
Biden Time #~# A&E
Pope Benedict Says God Told Him To Resign #~# Speaking publicly for the first time since he stepped down, 86-year-old pope emeritus Benedict XVI claimed that his surprise resignation in February was due to a months-long “mystical experience” during which “God told [him]” to retire. What do you think?
Saturday, August 31 #~# The Petersons will have an Open Jump on their new trampoline this Saturday from 1 to 6 p.m., after which it will never be used again.
Bradley Manning Wants To Live As Woman #~# One day after receiving a 35-year sentence for leaking classified information, Army Pfc. Bradley Manning announced that he has always felt he is a woman, that he wants to begin hormone therapy, and that he wants people to refer to him as Chelsea. What do you think?
Study: People Far Away From You Not Actually Smaller #~# PRINCETON, NJ—According to a groundbreaking new study published Thursday in The Journal Of Natural And Applied Sciences, people who are far away from you are actually not, as once thought, physically smaller than you.
Mother Surprised Son Needs So Much Ammunition For First Day Of School #~# VERSAILLES, PA—With a list of back-to-school supplies that included an AR-15 rifle, three Walther P22 pistols, and four X-15 skeletonized drum magazines, local mother Amy Bromka asked her 15-year-old son, Tyler, Monday if he really needed all that ammunition for his first day of school. “Honey, can you even fit all of that in your backpack?” Bromka reportedly asked of the near 40 pounds of smooth-feeding 30-round speed loaders Tyler said he “totally needed.” “It just seems like a lot of guns and ammunition, sweetie. And I don’t think you need more than two three-subject notebooks, either.” At press time, Tyler’s best friend Ben had just given his mom a similar list.
New Desktop Folder Created For Sad Little Creative Project #~# CANTON, OH—According to sources, local sales associate Dan Herzfeld, 29, created a new desktop folder on his office laptop this morning for the sad little creative project he’s working on. “I’m going to have a lot of documents for this, so I need to stay organized and have everything in one place,” said Herzfeld of the deeply depressing virtual folder, titled ‘Skyzone Stuff,’ which reportedly includes seven heartbreaking little subfolders including ‘First Drafts,’ ‘Second Drafts,’ ‘Character Bios,’ and ‘Misc.” “It’s just a single hub where I can access everything quickly, that way if I need to look at the revised outline or my one-sheet pitch, I don’t have to search all over my hard drive for the docs.” At press time, the poor son of a bitch was dragging a file titled “Ideas for Scenes” into the folder.
Study: Majority Of Children Lack Strong Male Supermodels #~# WASHINGTON—A troubling new report from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services revealed Thursday that fewer than 4 percent of American children have a strong male supermodel in their lives. “During their formative years, it is essential that our young people have a lean, strong-jawed Adonis to look up to,” said the department’s deputy secretary, Bill Corr, adding that many children don’t even have a father at home, let alone one who is “chiseled and knows how to look good in anything.” “In America today, the percentage of fathers, uncles, and male educators who have high cheekbones and wax all of their body hair is at an all-time low. With such a lack of positive examples, how will our kids learn to handle themselves in a photoshoot or on the runway? Who will teach them important life skills like showing up on time, making bedroom eyes at the camera, and pursing one’s lips while squinting?” Corr also expressed his concern that without enough positive male supermodels, today’s children may never grow to feel comfortable getting in front of the camera in their underwear.
Obama Deeply Concerned After Syrians Gassed To Death On White House Lawn #~# WASHINGTON—Assuring the nation that he was “carefully monitoring the situation,” President Barack Obama expressed his “deep concern” this morning after several hundred Syrian men, women, and children were discovered gassed to death overnight on the White House lawn. “The use of chemical weapons on the South Lawn, or anywhere on the White House grounds, is unacceptable, and I strongly condemn these actions,” read a statement issued by the president, which failed to acknowledge his previous stern warnings that any poison gas attacks on civilians within 400 feet of the Oval Office would cross a “red line” that would draw an international response. “We have called on the United Nations to conduct a full investigation of the incident, and pending their findings over the upcoming weeks and months, the appropriate parties will be held accountable. For now, our thoughts and prayers go out to those innocent families down by the south fountain and jogging track who are grieving the loss of loved ones today.” The latest attack comes more than two years into a bloody conflict on the White House grounds that has seen tens of thousands of Syrian civilians brutally massacred in the Rose Garden, the South Portico, and the Lincoln Bedroom.
Awkward New International Student Saw His Entire Family Murdered In The Congo #~# PITTSBURGH—Thomas A. Edison High School’s new international student, Joseph Ombale, who saw his family, friends, and neighbors brutally murdered and mutilated in the Democratic Republic of Congo, has been described by classmates as a “total weirdo,” and “kind of a spaz,” sources confirmed Tuesday.
Poll: 98% Of People Picture Run-Down Strip Mall Parking Lot When Word 'America' Said #~# WASHINGTON DC— A new poll conducted by the Pew Research Center found that, when asked to provide their immediate reaction to the sound of the word “America,” 98 percent of respondents replied by describing the sight of a near-empty parking lot of a decrepit suburban strip mall on a late February afternoon. “We've found that in nearly all instances the image that comes to peoples' minds within milliseconds of the word ‘America’ being said is a small strip mall in northern Virginia, southern Missouri, or possibly somewhere outside of Indianapolis, featuring a checks cashed place, a cell-phone store, and an L.A. Tan with three customers inside,” said lead researcher Graham Tierney, adding that the identical tableau visualized by the vast majority of test subjects also included weeds growing through cracks in the asphalt, a Mountain Dew Code Red can rolling on the ground, and a grey overcast sky. “The lone variable we found was whether or not respondents also imagined a car idling while playing ‘Heaven’ by Los Lonely Boys with the windows down. Those subjects who did not imagine this element instead heard either the distant sound of a baby crying or the plaintive bark of a faraway dog.” Graham added that every single test subject became visibly downcast and requested that researchers not say that word to them again.
MLB Organizes Support Group For Players Who Identify As Inter-League #~# NEW YORK—Offering a “safe and accepting environment for those who feel they have nowhere to go,” officials from Major League Baseball announced Thursday the formation of The Outfield, a new support group for players who identify as inter-league. “Not everyone views themselves as just American League or just National League, so we want them to know they’re not alone,” said The Outfield’s leadership coordinator and former inter-leaguer Orel Hershiser, adding that though the number of inter-league players in the MLB has tripled since 1997, many are still bullied and harassed by their peers. “There is, frankly, still a large stigma associated with the inter-league label. It can be incredibly difficult for designated hitters, for example, when they first realize they’re inter-league, thinking that they’re weird or abnormal. The Outfield community can encourage them to have the confidence to stand up and say, ‘I am inter-league, and there’s nothing wrong with that.’” MLB officials also confirmed that a similar group for homosexual players would be unnecessary, noting that no gay men have ever played professional baseball in the history of the sport.
Time Flies When You’re Feeding An Addiction To Internet Pornography Over Which You No Longer Have Any Control #~# I try to stay on top of things, but I can’t tell you how surprised I was this week when I looked at a calendar for the first time in I don’t know how long and I saw that we’re almost all the way through August. August! Can you believe it? I mean, here I was thinking that summer had just started, and it turns out we’re closing in on the end of the year! I guess it really is true what they say: Time flies when you spend every waking hour feeding an addiction to internet pornography over which you no longer have any semblance of control.
New Evidence Confirms A-Rod Invented Steroids #~# NEW YORK—In another blow to the disgraced superstar’s legacy, Major League Baseball officials reportedly acquired new evidence this week confirming that third baseman Alex Rodriguez invented steroids. “These documents prove that, well before his first positive test, Mr. Rodriguez invented and distributed the very first muscle-building anabolic steroids, as well as amphetamines and HGH,” said MLB executive vice president Rob Manfred, who noted that Rodriguez began early testing and development of the performance-enhancing drugs in a laboratory near Seattle. “We also now know beyond doubt that in the ensuing years, Mr. Rodriguez refined steroids to make them less detectable, and in blatant contempt of league regulations continued to supply doctors with the illegal substances that have stained the reputation of baseball forever.” At press time, Alex Rodriguez was reportedly concocting a new lethal chemical agent capable of wiping out the entire Eastern Seaboard.
Scientists Create Hydrating, ‘Hangover-Free’ Beer #~# Australian scientists have infused light beer with electrolytes to create a beverage that is three times more effective at hydrating the drinker than regular beer, thereby reducing the likelihood and severity of a hangover the next morning. What do you think?
Proud Father Teaches Son How To Shave Eyebrows For First Time #~# TIGARD, OR—In a cherished coming of age tradition, local father Brian Everson taught his 13-year-old son Michael how to shave his eyebrows. "Make sure you get them both or else it will look uneven," said Everson as he stood with his son in front of a bathroom mirror and gently pulled a Philips Norelco Click & Style razor across his eyebrows. "And then once you've shaved them both off, give your brow another quick shave just to make sure you've gotten all the stubble off. You want your brow completely hairless and smooth."  At press time, Everson was looking on proudly and remarking how his eyebrow-less son looked just like him.
Friday, August 30 #~# The usual cast of weirdos will be showing up to whatever free thing is going on at the Wilmont Community Center.
Man Working Up Courage To Ask Coworker To Office Dance #~# ‘I Wonder If Stacy Already Has A Date To Fall Ball?’
NSA Scans 75% Of All U.S. Internet Traffic #~# An investigation by The Wall Street Journal found that the National Security Agency uses algorithms to filter three-quarters of all internet traffic in the U.S. and appears to retain the content of certain emails sent between U.S. citizens within the country. What do you think?  
Study: All Of Your Memories Implanted In You 5 Minutes Ago When Universe Was Created #~# WASHINGTON—Challenging years of research examining the cognitive and biological processes underlying human memory, a new study by researchers at Georgetown University has found that all experiences of the past stored in a person’s mind are in fact information artificially implanted five minutes ago when our universe was first created. “Previous studies suggest that human memories are created over time through the formation of neuronal connections enhanced and strengthened through meaningful association, but our research suggests that all of our perceptions of the past, including recollections of important life milestones and learned knowledge of events in human history, were in fact inserted into our brains at the universe’s moment of creation a little more than five minutes ago—five minutes and 13 seconds ago, to be exact,” lead researcher Dr. John Isherwood said of the study’s findings, which, like all cognitive research he and his team believed they had conducted in the past, was manufactured and implanted in his brain just over 300 seconds ago when the cosmos and all its contents—and, indeed, all of existence itself—first came into being. “In fact, everything we remember or know of the past—including loving memories of family and friends, families and friendships themselves, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, the Industrial Revolution, the Roman Empire, Stonehenge, the Cretaceous Era, the Big Bang—never happened at all, and are in fact artificial impressions of reality implanted into our minds by an unknown entity, or entities, shortly before I just now began presenting the results of this study.” Researchers added that they are confident the study’s findings will help shape prevailing scientific thought on cognitive and brain processes in the future until the end of the universe, which is projected to occur approximately three minutes from now.
Economists Advise Nation’s Poor To Invent The Next Facebook #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that no other feasible option exists for the United States’ legions of destitute citizens, a panel of the nation’s top economists convened Wednesday to advise America’s poor to extricate themselves from poverty by inventing the next Facebook. “As unemployment holds steady and lower-class income plummets, the best and, frankly, only option for the country’s working poor is to try and come up with a new service like Facebook that forever changes how people communicate with one another, and then monetize it,” said Brookings Institution socioeconomics expert Richard Reeves, emphasizing that the nation’s approximately 50 million men, women, and children currently living under the poverty line will only be able to save themselves from lifelong misery if they somehow conceive of some kind of innovative website that permanently alters the world’s social and technological landscape. “To be honest, with the gap between rich and poor only getting wider, there’s really no middle ground here. Either invent another Facebook or languish in the gutter until you starve to death. Those are pretty much your options. So, you know, good luck.” Reeves added that a good name for one of these revolutionary game changers that delivers its creator from a lifetime of hardship and suffering might be BuzzConnect.
Tony Romo Notices Star On Cowboys Helmet For First Time #~# DALLAS—Entering his 11th season with the franchise, Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo reportedly noticed the star on the Cowboys helmet for the first time Tuesday, excitedly pointing out the logo to his teammates and coaches. “Whoa, look at that, it’s a star like the kind they have in the sky,” said Romo, who acknowledged that he couldn’t see the star on his helmet while wearing the protective equipment. “Wait a second, is there one on the other side? Or is that the same star and it just jumps back and forth? There’s so much stuff you don’t ever see unless you look really close. There’s all these letter things on the back of our jerseys, and mine has an upside-down six.” Romo also told reporters that the star appeared similar to “the one in the middle of the field” that he had found last week.
BREAKING: Middle East Conflict Not Solved Today #~# CAIRO—According to late-breaking reports emerging from Damascus, Gaza, Baghdad and elsewhere across the region, the deadly, generations-long conflict in the Middle East was not resolved today.
Seemingly Mentally Ill Internet Commenter Presumably Functions In Outside World #~# WASHINGTON—Though his incoherent, deeply uninformed, and often abusive internet comments seem to suggest he suffers from severe mental illness, web user DaemonX is in all likelihood a normal individual capable of functioning in the outside world, sources reported Wednesday.
Who Wants A Belly Rub? vs. I Want A Belly Rub #~# Aw, who’s a good boy? Who’s a good little boy? Does someone want a belly rub? Does someone want to roll over and let me rub his belly? Who does? Who? Does someone want me to wub his bewwy wewwy wewwy?
Ford Develops New SUV That Runs Purely On Gasoline #~# DEARBORN, MI—The Ford Motor Company announced Wednesday that it has developed a new SUV that will be powered exclusively by gasoline, a 100 percent reliable, oil-based energy source. “We’re very proud to introduce the Ford Petrola, a vehicle that runs on a specialized fuel derived almost entirely from naturally occurring organic compounds,” said Raj Nair, the company’s vice president of global product development. “Whether you’re commuting to work or heading out for a little adventure on the weekend, just fill the Petrola with gasoline and you’ll be ready to go. Best of all, this pure hydrocarbon fuel source is currently available at more than 100,000 filling stations across America.” Nair also noted that prototypes of the new vehicle have been able to travel more than 300 miles on a single “power charge” of gasoline.
The NFL’s Top 10 Wide Receivers #~# With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. Here’s a helpful guide to the league’s best wide receivers.
Study: Cost Of Raising Kid In U.S. Now $240,000 #~# The Department of Agriculture calculated that the cost of raising a child born in 2012 until his or her 18th birthday, including food, shelter, daycare, and other expenses, will total $241,080 for the average middle-class American family. What do you think?
Can You Cuddle That? #~# Animal Planet
Obamas Get New Dog Named Sunny #~# Saying that their dog Bo could use more canine interaction, the Obamas welcomed a second dog to their family Monday, a 14-month-old female Portuguese Water Dog named Sunny for her cheery disposition. What do you think?
Elmore Leonard, Modern Prose Master, Noted For His Terse Prose Style And For Writing About Things Perfectly And Succinctly With A Remarkable Economy Of Words, Unfortunately And Sadly Expired This Gloomy Tuesday At The Age Of 87 Years Old #~# PROLOGUE It was 10 a.m. when this reporter—stubbly, lean, and careworn—leaned in his chair, scanning the news for topics of interest, and chanced upon the demise of a very great writer. Gripped suddenly by the inspiration to write, he composed, carefully and with no small degree of consideration, the story you are about to read.
Obama Family Adopts 44-Year-Old Portuguese Water Man #~# WASHINGTON—Providing a friendly playmate for their dog Bo, White House sources confirmed today that President Barack Obama and his family have adopted an energetic, 44-year-old Portuguese Water Man. “I’m happy to report that the Obamas have welcomed the arrival of the newest member of their family: a beautiful, soaking wet Portuguese Water Man,” said White House spokesperson Hannah August, referring to the shaggy, perpetually drenched Lisbon native, who at press time was napping on the floor of the Grand Foyer. “He’s only just arrived, but he’s already made himself at home. He spends hours every day running around the North Lawn, and he loves to curl up in the First Couple’s bed at night. Portuguese Water Men are, by nature, very affectionate, so he’s already made lots of friends around here, the cute little guy.” August confirmed that the Obamas have decided to name their new furry friend Ernesto Guiomar Aristedes.
PBS Pulling Out The Fucking Big Guns Tonight With ‘Andrea Bocelli: One Night In Central Park’ #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Telling reporters that they are “done fucking around,” executives from the Public Broadcasting Service announced this morning that they’re busting out the big guns tonight with a full two-hour broadcast of Andrea Bocelli: One Night In Central Park. “It’s time to get nasty,” said PBS president Paula Kerger, noting that the network is “going balls to the wall” with the 2011 concert featuring the widely beloved blind Italian tenor singing a collection of his most popular operatic pieces. “Sometimes, you pussyfoot around like a little fucking pansy with all this Charlie Rose and NewsHour shit, and you just gotta unload your major firepower. And Bocelli live on the Central Park Great Lawn alongside the New York Philharmonic is like 12 sawed-off shotguns blowing your goddamn nuts off.” Kerger added that once Bocelli gets to the bravura aria in “La Donna è Mobile,” it’ll be game fucking over.
Washington’s Hobby Lobby Lobbies To Strengthen Hobbies #~# ‘We’ll Lobby For Hobbies All The Way To Abu Dhabi,’ Says Lobby Rep Robbie Stobby
Report: Employers Know Within First 5 Minutes Of Job Interview Whether They Will Murder Applicant #~# NEW YORK—Confirming years of anecdotal evidence on workplace hiring practices, a new study conducted by psychologists at New York University has found that employers typically know within the first five minutes of a job interview with a prospective employee whether or not they will murder the applicant. “First impressions are everything, and our research shows that no matter how good someone looks on paper, an employer can generally tell almost as soon as a job applicant walks through the door if this is someone they will soon violently kill,” lead researcher Dr. Laura Hollander said of the study, adding that initial factors such as an applicant’s eye contact, facial expression, energy level, and posture are often all that’s needed for employers to know for certain if they are going to slit that person’s throat and stuff their corpse in a supply closet. “One seasoned human resources manager, for example, told us that he typically knows as soon as the first handshake whether he’s going to murder an applicant on the spot or, alternatively, follow the applicant home that evening and bash his or her head in with a rock. Sure, once in a while an applicant can really shine at the end of an interview and overcome an unimpressive start, but in general, people need to be on their game from minute one if they want to prove to prospective employers that they’re someone who deserves to live.” Researchers added that despite the study’s intimidating findings, job applicants can improve their odds of surviving the first interview by preparing responses for a range of potential questions, dressing professionally, and always carrying a concealed weapon in an ankle holster.
Psychiatrist Patiently Listens To Obama Complain About Every Single American #~# WASHINGTON—Carefully jotting down notes as the two sat in his small second-floor office on K Street, psychiatrist Dr. Thomas Eccleson patiently let President Barack Obama angrily voice his complaints and grievances about every single American in the nation, sources confirmed Tuesday.
Adolescent Girl Reaching Age Where She Starts Exploring Stepfather's Body #~# EVANSTON, IL—While it may seem as though she was a little girl only yesterday, local 13-year-old Heather Perrington is now reaching that age where she is likely to begin exploring her stepfather Craig Dunbar’s body, experts confirmed Tuesday. “It can be awkward and even a little scary for an adolescent girl when she experiences all these strange new feelings and starts to notice the sexual desires of her mother’s husband,” said Ronna Denton, the counselor and health teacher at Perrington’s middle school. “It will probably take time for Heather to figure out what does and doesn’t feel good to her stepfather, and she may be surprised to discover acne and hair in unexpected places on Craig’s body. But it’s all part of growing up, and she should know that she is taking a very important step in life. It won’t be long before her childhood is gone forever.” Denton added that if the eighth-grader is confused or troubled by such experiences, she should try talking to friends her age who are going through the exact same thing.
Andy Reid Motivates Chiefs With Inspirational Speech About Great Burrito Place #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Speaking with a fiery passion about a deep hunger and desire, Chiefs coach Andy Reid reportedly motivated players Monday with an inspiring speech about an incredible burrito place he recently discovered. “I can tell you right now, the burrito at Taqueria El Comal had all the ingredients of a world champion,” said Reid, his voice reportedly quivering as he described the effect of combining roasted chicken and carne asada to the players huddled around him. “And they don’t just take tortillas from a package and steam them because, men, there are no shortcuts to perfection. They’ve got the trays of dough balls that they flatten out and grill to order, and that right there is the difference between a good burrito and a great one.” Reid reportedly concluded the rousing 10-minute speech by requesting that any player who goes to Taqueria El Comal take his punch card, as he only needs three more purchases for a free steak taco.
Bear Attacks Rise Sharply Across U.S. #~# During the past week, at least seven people in five states have been attacked by bears, including grizzly bears, brown bears, and the historically more docile black bear. What do you think?
Political Cartoonist Not Sure How To Convey That Large Sack In Senator’s Hand Is Full Of Money #~# CHICAGO—Admitting that he has completely run out of ideas at this point, local political cartoonist Lawrence Cleary told reporters Monday that he is unsure how to convey that a large sack being clutched by a U.S. senator in his latest drawing is full of money. “In order for this one to work, the reader has to know that it’s a big bag of cash the senator’s holding, but how can I possibly get that idea across? ” the Chicago Tribune satirist told reporters, referring to the as-yet-unfinished black-and-white sketch, which features an unnamed politician carrying the bulging, unmarked sack while strolling out of a building marked “Middle Class Savings & Loan,” underneath the caption “Politics As Usual…” “I was thinking of maybe having a few coins spilling from the top of the bag, or maybe he’s already dropped an open bag on the ground and we can see a bunch of cash inside of it. I guess I could always give him a speech bubble that says, ‘There’s a bunch of money in this bag that I took from the American people,’ but that might be spelling it out too much. Maybe he could be wearing a name tag that reads ‘Senator Moneybags,’ thereby denoting that the bag he is holding is in fact filled with money?” At press time, Cleary had decided to write the word “money” on the bag.
‘Lee Daniels’ The Butler’ Takes Box Office; ‘Jobs’ Flops #~# Lee Daniels’ The Butler, a drama that follows the life of a black White House butler who served eight presidents, took in $25 million in its opening weekend, beating out the Steve Jobs biopic Jobs, which earned a disappointing $6.7 million. What do you think?
Researchers Discover Female Frogs Prefer Mate Who Knows Way Around The Cloaca #~# MONTEVERDE, COSTA RICA—A new study released by the Monteverde Institute today has found that when selecting a mate, female frogs demonstrate a clear preference for males who know a thing or two about the cloaca. “The pulse and duration of the male’s mating call certainly plays a role in the female’s selection process, but we now know they also place a strong emphasis on the male’s ability to understand the cloaca and work it just right, either with their digits or with their tongues,” said lead researcher Adreana Morán, who went on to explain that the most desirable mates intuitively understand that the female cloaca—the posterior opening from which urine, feces, and eggs are discharged—is not simply an on/off switch, but a delicate instrument that, with a little know-how, can be stimulated to yield blissful results. “The most competitive mates begin stimulating the cloaca indirectly, arousing the female with low croaking sounds and light touches to her abdomen and webbing. If he doesn’t rush into the amplexus posture too quickly, by the time the male gets to the cloaca, she’s already putty in his frontal legs.” Morán added that a significant number of males also enjoyed having their cloacas stimulated.
Study Finds You Irrelevant To Success Or Failure Of Bollywood Film ‘Zanjeer’ #~# BALTIMORE—According to a new study released Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University’s Center for Advanced Media Studies, you are totally and utterly inconsequential to the success or failure of the upcoming Bollywood film Zanjeer. “Our data clearly indicates that, ultimately, your opinion on Zanjeer—whether positive, negative, or completely indifferent—will be of absolutely no consequence whatsoever to the ₹75 crore Indian action film’s performance at the box office,” said the report’s lead author Dr. Julianne Wright, confirming that the reputation of director Apoorva Lakhia will not hinge in the slightest upon whether you see the film or whether you are even aware of its existence. “According to the findings, you will have absolutely no impact on the future acting careers of Zanjeer stars Ram Charan and Priyanka Chopra, as well as supporting ensemble cast members Prakash Raj, Sanjay Dutt, and Atul Kulkarni. You are, simply put, a non-factor in whether this modern remake of Prakash Mehr’s classic 1973 action-thriller buoys or sinks Flying Turtle Films’ commercial fortunes.” Wright added that, despite the fact that you will play no role in the film’s critical or commercial reception, you should still see Zanjeer due to Charan’s riveting portrayal of Inspector Vijay Khanna, which is said to rival Amitabh Bachchan’s performance in the original.
Six Flags Employee Sick Of Talking Visitors Down From Bad Acid Trips #~# GURNEE, IL—Expressing frustration at the frequency with which he is required to guide people through their darkest moments of drug-induced psychosis, Six Flags Great America employee Mark Griffin told reporters Monday that he is sick and tired of talking park visitors down from their bad acid trips.
San Andreas Fault Feels Terrible For What It’s About To Do #~# CALIFORNIA—Saying it feels “really awful” about what is about to happen, the San Andreas Fault issued a preemptive apology Monday to California’s citizenry stretching from San Francisco to Los Angeles. “I hate to say it, but the amount of stress in all three of my segments has reached sufficient levels, and, well, I’ll just be honest here, it’s going to be really bad,” the tectonic boundary said, adding that it felt especially sorry for any Californians currently on the Golden Gate Bridge or in one of the upper floors of the U.S. Bank Tower in Los Angeles. “The thing is, I can’t make it stop. Believe me, I would if I could, but the friction and tension in my plates has been building and building for such a long time, and now they’re going to slip. In 30 minutes. I’m so, so sorry. Last thing in the world I wanted to do.” The San Andreas Fault noted that, on the bright side, the people of Arizona and Nevada are going to love their new oceanfront property.
Oddsmakers Say Oakland Raiders A Long Shot To Finish Season #~# LAS VEGAS—The Las Vegas Hotel & Casino sports book released a slate of new odds on the upcoming NFL season Monday, listing the Oakland Raiders as a 60-to-1 long shot to finish all 16 games this year. “Frankly, I think these odds are generous for a team that seems like it will be lucky to reach its bye week,” said Vegas insider Rick Malik. “You’ve got an inexperienced quarterback, a walking injury of a running back, and then honestly name another player on this roster. Frankly, I would not be surprised if the Raiders are bounced out in week one.” Bookmakers, however, placed 4-to-1 odds on the Raiders’ entire draft class being a bust and a straight 2-to-1 line on the coaching staff being fired before season’s end.
Crullers Explained #~# ST. PAUL, MN—After mentioning the deep-fat-fried pastry in conversation and drawing a blank stare, local man Greg Weinberg proceeded to explain crullers to his friend Jeffrey Tomlinson, sources confirmed Monday. “It’s sort of like a donut, but braided,” said Weinberg, who went on to describe the dessert as “basically a bunch of dough all twisted together.” “They’re good. You should try one.” At press time, Tomlinson had reportedly tried a cruller.
Well, Neighbors Just Got A Pit Bull #~# SPRINGFIELD, MA—Initial reports from your back porch confirmed Sunday that, yep, the couple next door just got a pit bull. Witnesses said one of its ears appears to have been bitten off and the animal has scars all over its muzzle, indications that, wouldn’t you know it, this is probably one of those rescue dogs that was thoroughly abused by its previous owner. There it goes, sources stated, just growling and barking away. And jumping. The pit bull can reportedly jump really high, clamp its jaws down on a dangling piece of knotted rope, and just hang there, snarling. According to sources, a low hedge is all that separates the animal from your backyard, which, sure enough, is where your three small children play all the time. Oh, here we go, the reports continued, your neighbor is apparently coming over to tell you there are a lot of misconceptions about these dogs. They’re only as bad as their owners, he says. Well, at least they only got one pit—oh, nope, there’s a second one coming out of the house. How about that, sources said. Two pit bulls, and they’re really starting to go at each other, aren’t they? Witnesses later confirmed that, Christ, they’re just going to leave the two dogs untethered in the backyard while they go out for the night.
The NFL’s Top 10 Running Backs #~# With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. Here’s a helpful guide to the league’s best running backs.
What Does College Tuition Money Pay For? #~# The average cost of tuition and room and board at a four-year private university in the U.S. has risen to $39,518 annually. Here is a breakdown of where that money goes:
Stove Alone #~# FOX
Male Millennials More Likely To Live With Parents #~# According to a new study, 36 percent of Americans between the ages of 18 and 31 lived with their parents in 2012, with 4 in 10 male millennials still living at home as compared to 32 percent of females. What do you think?
Area Teen Quickly Running Out Of Chances To Be First Openly Gay Anything #~# PEORIA, IL—Citing the increased visibility of gay athletes, politicians, and officials, area teen and homosexual Alex Zaragoza, 15, told reporters today that he is worried about running out of opportunities to become the first openly gay member of any professional field or social group.
Government Finally Admits Existence Of Area 51 #~# In declassified CIA documents, the government officially acknowledged for the first time ever the existence of Area 51, saying that the top-secret location in the Nevada desert was created as a testing site for the U-2 spy plane in the 1950s. What do you think?
A-Rod Incredibly Humbled To Be Mentioned Alongside All-Time Greats Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco #~# NEW YORK—Saying the comparisons are “unbelievably flattering,” New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez told reporters Friday that he is extremely humbled to currently be mentioned in the same breath as all-time baseball greats Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, and Jose Canseco. “When you talk about the likes of Bonds, McGwire, and Canseco, you’re talking about some of the best hitters who ever played the game, and to be in the same company as those players is pretty incredible,” said Rodriguez, adding that “it’s a true honor” to also be likened to other sports icons such as cyclist Lance Armstrong and Olympic sprinter Ben Johnson. “I’ve seen some people put me up there with [Sammy] Sosa and Manny [Ramirez], and I really don’t know what to say. These guys are baseball legends—heroes, really—and hearing my name said alongside theirs is pretty overwhelming.” Rodriguez later admitted to sources that he doesn’t understand the comparisons between himself and Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun, claiming that he’s “a totally different player.”
It Says Here On Your Résumé, Mr. Zimmerman, That You Shot A Boy? #~# Well, George, it looks here like you’ve got a lot of good work experience. Strong references. Proficiency in the Microsoft Office suite. And you’re bilingual, which is a huge plus. I’d say on paper you’re certainly qualified for this position. But before we move any further, Mr. Zimmerman, I just have a quick question about one of these items from February 2012. It says here that you shot a boy?
David McCullough Wondering How Much Scratch He Could Shake Out Of Frederick Douglass #~# BOSTON—Saying that he’s been “wondering how much cheddar he could squeeze out of Old Man Abolitionist for a while now,” renowned historian David McCullough told reporters Friday that he’s strongly considering writing a biography of the famed social reformer and statesman Frederick Douglass.
Chinese Newlyweds Wondering What They’re Going To Do With All This Medicinal Bear Bile #~# PINGLIANG, CHINA—After taking the time to open and sort through all of their wedding gifts Thursday, newly married Chinese couple Li Zhang and Yue Xu were reportedly at a loss as to what they were supposed to do with the dozens of bottles of medicinal bear bile they received. “I don’t know what we’re going to do with all this bear bile—this is way more than two people could possibly use,” said Yue, who confirmed that friends and family also left them with half a dozen deer penises, several gallons of turtle blood, and nearly 10 pounds of ox gallstones. “And we said we wanted just one tiger claw, but we got five. We appreciate the thought, but only one of us has insomnia.” As of press time, a cousin who missed the ceremony was reportedly arranging to send a crate of flying squirrel feces before the one-year grace period on wedding presents expired.
Dolphins Struggling To Get Shy Rookie To Participate In Practice #~# DAVIE, FL—Explaining that the rookie is shy and easily discouraged, Miami Dolphins coaches told reporters Thursday that they were having trouble getting wide receiver Andrell Smith to participate in practice. “Andrell is such a sweet kid and we’re trying to get him involved, but so far he hasn’t really come out of his shell,” said offensive coordinator Mike Sherman, noting that when a play starts, Smith usually just stands by himself near the sideline or runs off on his own without looking at the quarterback. “The trouble is, he’s too timid to call for the ball even when he’s open, and in the huddle he barely says a word. The only time I actually heard him talk was when he came up to me and quietly said he wanted to go home.” Sherman added that he and the other coaches also wanted to encourage young quarterback Ryan Tannehill to share better with receiver Mike Wallace.
Tips For Hosting A Fantasy Football Draft #~# Fantasy football leagues across the country are gearing up for the NFL season. Here are some tips for hosting the perfect fantasy football draft.
Hacker Hijacks Family’s Baby Monitor, Shouts At Child #~# An unknown individual reportedly hacked into a Houston family’s wireless baby monitor, pivoting the camera around the 2-year-old’s room and using the monitor’s communication system to shout expletives at both the child and her parents. What do you think?
Massachusetts Evacuated To Prevent Any Contact With Tom Brady’s Knee #~# BOSTON—Following an alarming episode in which New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady suffered a mild sprain to his left knee, government officials confirmed Thursday that Massachusetts has been evacuated in order to prevent the state’s populace from having any contact with the star athlete’s knee. “Though we’ve received word that Brady’s MRI showed no structural damage, as a precautionary measure, I have issued an executive order mandating that every man, woman, and child currently living in the state disperse immediately so as to avoid any chance of aggravating his injury,” said Governor Deval Patrick, urging Massachusetts’ 6.6 million inhabitants to seek temporary residence in any one of the neighboring states pending further instruction. “While these measures may pose a minor inconvenience to our citizenry, it is of utmost importance that we do everything in our power to ensure that Brady enjoys a complete, trouble-free recovery and is back at full strength by Week 1. You really can’t be too careful with this sort of thing.” Patrick added that as Brady recuperates, the Patriots quarterback should feel free to use any of the state’s vacated houses and abandoned possessions as he sees fit.
Scientists Finally Pronounce Human Genome #~# ‘It’s Gatcaatgaggtggacaccagaggc…’
Report: There Only 17 Total Square Miles On Earth Where Gays Not Discriminated Against #~# WASHINGTON—A new Pew Research Center report revealed Thursday that on the entirety of planet earth there exist only 17 square miles where gays are not systematically assaulted, slandered, or violently threatened for their sexual orientation. “In terms of locations where homosexuals don’t have to fear for their livelihood and well-being on a daily basis, we found roughly 16 places, including San Francisco’s Castro District, a few blocks in Manhattan’s West Village, a four-mile stretch in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and Berlin’s Nollendorfplatz,” the three-year study read in part, noting that these numbers shrink to as low as 10 square miles when factoring in criteria such as being afforded any shred of civil liberties or essential decencies. “Resultantly, gays can only expect to be treated like human beings—rather than some sort of repulsive subhumans—on roughly .00005% of the world’s landmass. And these are our most generous estimates.” The report went on to confirm that there are currently 196,950,000 square miles on earth where straight individuals are free from sexual prejudice.
Egypt Plunges Into State Of Middle East #~# CAIRO—Following deadly clashes on Wednesday between government forces and supporters of recently deposed President Mohamed Morsi, sources confirmed that Egypt has descended into a state of total Middle East. “Widespread and rampant Middle East swept across the nation over the last 24 hours, leaving hundreds dead and thousands more injured,” said U.S. Ambassador to Egypt Anne W. Patterson, noting that the all-out Middle East currently happening in the country could potentially destabilize the entire region. “It’s nothing but pure Middle East on the streets right now. And there is a strong possibility that if the international community becomes involved, the Middle East could become even worse.” Patterson added that while the Middle East in Egypt is showing no signs of letting up, the situation has thankfully not yet boiled over into a full-blown Africa.
Group Of Friends Engage In Passionate, Incoherent Discussion About Current Events #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Sharing their thoughts and opinions on a wide variety of topics and hot-button issues, five friends eating dinner at Tapper’s Bar and Grill Wednesday had a lengthy, animated, and utterly incoherent discussion about current events, sources confirmed.
White House Increases Security After Man Shows Up At Oval Office Looking For Obama #~# WASHINGTON—The U.S. Secret Service announced Wednesday that the White House has upgraded its security procedures following a recent incident in which Donald Glazer, a 51-year-old man who had no prior appointment scheduled, showed up unannounced at the Oval Office looking for President Barack Obama. “Mr. Glazer waited by himself for 45 minutes, milling about the empty Oval Office and idly thumbing through the materials left out on President Obama’s desk while waiting for the commander-in-chief to return,” said Secret Service Director Julia Pierson, adding that while Glazer wasn’t threatening or armed, he should not have been able to enter the White House through a staff access door, walk through the Rose Garden, enter the West Wing, say “I’m here to see Barack Obama,” and be let into the Oval Office. “From now on, we will be maintaining a visitor log that all White House guests will be required to sign before being permitted on the premises, as well as installing metal detectors at several key entry points. Additionally—and this is of the utmost importance—we must make an effort to keep all doors and gates to the White House locked at all times. No exceptions.” Sources later told reporters that Glazer wanted to talk to Obama about getting E-ZPass booths installed along Nebraska toll roads.
Man’s Fantasy Football Team Names Over Past 5 Years Depict Slow Descent Into Madness #~# CHICAGO—Competitors in Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football league Super Bowl Shuffle expressed concern Thursday about the mental state of league member Evan Reeves, whose choice of team names over the past five years reportedly paints a picture of a man gradually descending into utter madness. “When we first started out a few years back, Evan just called his squad Butkus’ Dick, but his name choices these last few seasons have been increasingly unsettling,” fellow virtual manager Jay Steiner said of Reeves, 29, whose unhinged team names have since included “The Widening Gyre,” “What Does GOD Fear?” and “PLAGUEPLAGUEPLAGUEPL.” “I haven’t seen this guy since college, but judging from his behavior, he appears to be entering into some kind of bizarre state of irreversible derangement, all while actively participating in our friendly 12-team keeper league. It’s pretty disturbing to watch someone plunge into the darkest chasms of lunacy before your very eyes, plus all those Bible passages are really starting to clog up the message board.” As further evidence of Reeves’ ongoing slide into full-blown psychosis, Steiner noted that this year the deeply disturbed individual drafted Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco in the first round.
Wealthy, Famous Individual Described As ‘Totally Down-To-Earth’ By Thousands Of Acquaintances, All Of Whom Are Lying #~# LOS ANGELES—A high-powered, rich, and famous industry player is routinely described as “low-key” and “totally down-to-earth” by countless acquaintances and friends, each and every one of whom is lying through their teeth, sources confirmed Thursday. “He’s just like this cool, normal guy,” said one lying acquaintance, trying to project an image wherein the massive celebrity seems approachable and humble, both attributes that the Hollywood megastar doesn’t even come close to embodying. “I knew him before he had all this success, and trust me, wealth hasn’t changed him. He’s friendly, relatable, and just a general salt-of-the-earth dude.” At press time, the celebrity’s acquaintances were checking this article to see if they were quoted, in hopes that the famous individual would also see the piece, take note of their loyalty, and then go on to use his industry clout to give them opportunities to make large sums of money or acquire fame themselves.
Under The Porch #~# Listen to the soothing sounds of conversations with people who don’t know you can hear them while sitting on an old tarp near some cinderblocks. Don’t move around too much or they’ll hear you.
Mouse Study Suggests Soda Consumption May Be Fatal #~# A new study found that female mice that consistently consumed 25 percent of their calories in the form of added sugar, which is the equivalent of a human drinking three cans of soda per day, died at twice the rate of mice that were not on the high-sugar diet. What do you think?
First Lady To Release Rap Album About Healthy Living #~# First Lady Michelle Obama will release a hip-hop album aimed at youths, which includes 19 tracks about eating vegetables and staying active, and which features appearances by DMC, Ashanti, New York Knicks player Iman Schumpert, and Dr. Oz. What do you think?
Russian Man Recalls Oppressive Days Under Communism When No One Could Speak Freely Or Protest Government #~# MOSCOW—Saying he was pleased to be living in a hopeful, post-communist age, Russian man Alexei Suslov, 62, recalled today a harsher, more oppressive period in his country’s history when Russian citizens were unable to protest their government for fear of getting arrested by authorities.
Cat Seemed Perfectly Content Right Up Until Point He Bolted Out Of Room #~# SOMERSET, NJ—Twenty-eight-year-old Jason Wagner confirmed Tuesday that his cat, Pepper, seemed totally relaxed and content up until the moment he jumped from the living room couch onto the floor and darted out of the living room. “For 15 minutes he was purring, sitting on my lap—asleep even—but, just like that, it all changed,” Wagner said of his cat’s abrupt, 180-degree mood shift. “One moment, you think he could lie there the entire day, and the next he’s on some sort of impromptu search-and-destroy mission.” At press time, Pepper had reportedly walked calmly back into the room, leapt onto the couch, and lain down as if nothing had happened.
Pornographic Website Visitor Chooses Subscription That’s Right For Him #~# RALEIGH, NC—Stating that he wanted to find the option that best fit his budget and viewing habits, local man Jim Hinney told reporters Thursday he was trying to decide which among a pornographic website’s many subscription plans was right for him. “The $19.99 basic package seems pretty nice, but for an extra $5 you can get the 24/7 webcam, free access to 5000 facial and Asian gang-bang videos, two private chat sessions per month, and an all-access pass to the VIP section,” Hinney said as he mulled over an even pricier premium package that reportedly comes bundled with a “Teens-Only Whack-Pack” video collection and free membership in a partner site called Anal Annihilation. “Meanwhile, the yearly plan seems like the best value, but what if I make my way through their archives in a few months and am then stuck paying until my subscription runs out? I need to make sure I’m getting a sufficient amount of original adult hardcore footage at a reasonable monthly price. We just started Eric in daycare so budgeting is an issue.” Sources confirmed Hinney later decided against purchasing any of the site’s packages, having suddenly remembered the internet offers more free pornography than any one person could possibly view in a single lifetime.
New ESPN Program To Feature Attractive Blonde Reading Tweets For 30 Minutes #~# LOS ANGELES—ESPN programming executives announced Wednesday the debut of a new show called The Pulse that will air afternoons on ESPN and evenings on ESPN2 and which will consist of an attractive blonde host reading tweets and Facebook comments to the camera for a half hour. “This new show will tap into the real conversations taking place across social channels and then literally repeat those conversations back to people,” said Jamie Horowitz, vice president of original programming. “We are confident that a beautiful, flaxen-haired young woman flirtatiously reading short, easy-to-digest messages aloud is exactly the kind of innovative programming that the discerning modern sports fan demands.” After several rounds of test marketing, the collected data suggested that The Pulse has the potential to become the most popular program on the entire ESPN family of networks despite frequently veering completely off the topic of sports.
Friend Asks If There Any Openings At Job He Constantly Mocks #~# SEATTLE—After politely broaching the subject last week with inquiries about recent hires and overall staff size, sources confirmed Wednesday that area man John Davies asked his friend Matthew Harrison if there were any openings at the real estate information website Zillow.com, a company Harrison works for, and which Davies constantly and relentlessly mocks behind his back. “Hey, man, just out of curiosity, do you know if they’re hiring right now?” Davies reportedly asked in reference to positions that he’s called “stupid,” “so fucking dumb,” and once went so far as to say that he would “blow [his] own brains out if [he] had Matt’s job.” “I can email you my résumé, and then if you could pass it along to human resources, that would be great. You don’t mind, do you? Thanks.” Reports later confirmed that Davies told Harrison that he thinks Zillow.com would be a “pretty cool” place to work.
Father Teaches Son How To Fly Into Rage Over Completely Inconsequential Bullshit #~# RAPID CITY, SD—Saying that he always strives to set a strong example for his son to follow, local father Gary Dalton told reporters Tuesday that he has been carefully teaching his 9-year-old boy Zachary how to overreact with blind rage to completely irrelevant bullshit.
Jay Cutler Hoping To Prove Doubters Whatever In Contract Year #~# BOURBONNAIS, IL—Shrugging his shoulders and scowling, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told reporters Tuesday that he’s looking forward to proving doubters “completely whatever” in the final year of his contract. “People want to question my future with this team, and that just motivates me to show them meh,” said Cutler, holding his mouth agape for several seconds before continuing. “I know there’s a lot of pressure on me to win, so at the end of the day I just have to go out there and who gives a shit.” Sources confirmed Cutler concluded the press conference by putting on a large winter jacket, silently pouting, and refusing to answer any questions from reporters.
Riotous, Chanting Iowa State Fair Crowd Gathers For Annual Deep-Frying Of Virgin #~# DES MOINES, IA—Capping off the Iowa State Fair’s opening weekend with a much-beloved tradition, throngs of cheering fairgoers gathered in the Midway Sunday evening to witness the annual deep-frying of a virgin. “There’s something for everybody here at the fair, but the frying of the pure one is always a highlight,” said Iowa State Fair marketing director Lori Chappell, the crowd roaring as the dazed teenager was led to a platform where she was stripped nude, hog-tied, covered in butter and flour batter, and then dipped in a vat of boiling cooking oil. “They fattened this one up pretty good, so by the time we top her off with powdered sugar, cookie crumbles, and drizzle her with caramel, there’s gonna be 145 pounds of scrumptious deep-fried virgin-on-a-stick to go around. It’s a little rich for me, but kids love it.” Chappell added that this year’s Midway Play Packs include a bonus ticket to the inaugural widow roast.
Man Taking Photo With iPad Oblivious To How Badass He Looks #~# CHICAGO—According to those witnessing the impromptu photo session, an unidentified man taking pictures of Millenium Park’s Cloud Gate sculpture on his iPad has no idea how incredibly badass he looks. “The way he’s holding the iPad all the way out in front of his body like that? Dude looks so awesome he doesn’t even realize it,” onlooker Jessica Walker, 25, said of the man, who, after taking one photo of the landmark, became the very essence of cool when he hitched up the waistband of his shorts, squatted down, squinted, jutted out his arms and captured a second image of the sculpture. “I don’t know who he is, but he reminds of Jay Z or of a 1970s Mick Jagger—maybe even a young Marlon Brando. He’s just so fucking smooth, you know?” At press time, the badass had reportedly turned his iPad around to take a picture of himself smiling in front of the artwork.
Rent It All In Hilton Head, South Carolina! #~# Rent a beach house, rent a car, rent a boat, rent a bike for a couple hours, and see what else you can rent in the rental capital of the U.S.!
Judge Rules Against NYC’s Stop-And-Frisk Policy #~# Saying that the tactic was unconstitutional and unfairly targeted minorities, a judge ordered the New York Police Department to restrict its stop-and-frisk policy, a program that allowed officers to search anyone regardless of whether they thought a crime had been committed. What do you think?
Some Kind Of Smart-Ass Wearing Kevin Kolb Jersey #~# BUFFALO, NY—Speculating that he must think he’s “real goddamn funny,” observers at Overtime Sports Bar & Grill confirmed Monday that a man is walking around wearing a Kevin Kolb jersey like some kind of smart-ass. “Looks like we’ve got a grade-A wise guy on our hands,” said Joe Phillabaum, 32, adding that the “fucking guy actually spent 120 dollars for this one joke.” “A Kevin Kolb jersey. Yeah, we get it, pal. Good one. Why don’t you go attend a game and get him to autograph a football while you’re at it? Cocky fucker.” At press time, Phillabaum had walked over to shake the asshole’s hand and congratulate him on making everyone in the whole bar laugh.
‘The Onion’ Encourages Israel And Palestine Not To Give A Single, Goddamn Inch #~# As the ongoing conflict between Israelis and Palestinians once again threatens to intensify, the international community has called on both sides to come together and engage in peace talks. On Wednesday, leaders from both sides will meet face-to-face in Jerusalem for the first time in five years, to discuss the terms of a Palestinian state alongside Israel, the drawing of a secure border between the two nations, and the fate of Palestinian refugees.
Area Man Perfectly Content With Role As Another Cog In The Wheel #~# HARTFORD, CT—Saying that he enjoyed the ease and straightforwardness of his daily routine, local office worker Joel Shoppach, 41, expressed his contentment Tuesday at being just another cog in the wheel. “It’s nice—I just have one simple function that I do over and over again each day, and that’s it,” said Shoppach, who explained that he was “perfectly happy” being one of thousands of nearly identical components that cycle endlessly through their own basic individual tasks to facilitate the workings of a large, overarching apparatus. “Really all I’ve had to do for the past 15 years is come in at nine, perform an incredibly minor role in a rote, mechanical process, and then leave for the day, so I can’t complain. I’m actually pretty good at being a miniscule part of a large machine.” Shoppach added that he is equally content to return home after work and play an extremely minor role in the functioning of his family as well.
Billionaire Calls For High-Speed Tube Transit #~# California billionaire Elon Musk unveiled his plan for a futuristic transportation system, the Hyperloop, which would send passengers at 800 miles per hour through above-ground steel tubes and cut travel time between Los Angeles and San Francisco to 30 minutes. What do you think?
New Super-Fast Transport System Powered By Passengers’ Screams #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Entrepreneur Elon Musk unveiled his plans Monday for a revolutionary Hyperloop transportation system, which would seat riders in vacuum-like tubes, launch them from Los Angeles to San Francisco, and would be powered solely by the screams of its terrified passengers. “With zero negative effects on the environment, the Hyperloop could cut travel times in half, or even by two thirds, depending on how loud passengers’ shrieks and pleas for help are,” said Musk, adding that special turbines will convert the horrified screams of its riders into kinetic energy, which would then propel the capsule at record speeds toward its final destination. “If passengers are terrified enough to scream in abject terror the entire duration of the ride—and they probably will, knowing that even the slightest malfunction will cause their flesh to peel off their bodies—an hour-and-a-half trip from New York City to San Francisco could be a reality.” Musk added that his team is still working on technology that would power the rapid transportation tubes with both crying and silently praying to God for the trip to be over.
Bigoted Asshole Makes The Best Barbecue #~# ALLENTOWN, PA—Friends of local man Charles Wyatt, an intolerant asshole who unrepentantly despises all non-Caucasians, confirmed Tuesday that the deeply bigoted man makes the best barbecue around. “Oh, man, Charlie’s an absolute master on that grill,” said Wyatt’s next-door neighbor Mark Hawthorne, who like all of the racist prick’s exclusively white friends has long enjoyed the hateful, small-minded man’s expertly prepared grilled chicken, spare ribs, and beef brisket. “First he marinates everything in his own homemade North Carolina–style sauce, and then he slow-cooks it for hours so the meat just falls off the bone. I swear, nobody does it quite like Charlie.” Sources additionally confirmed that Wyatt’s tantalizing barbecue dishes are perfectly complemented by the cooking of his wife, Sandy, a vicious anti-Semite who makes the best macaroni salad you’ve ever had in your life.
Whitey Bulger Verdict Interrupted By Ben Affleck Shouting Commands From Director’s Chair In Balcony #~# BOSTON—As the federal jury in the racketeering trial against James “Whitey” Bulger handed down its verdict Monday, famed actor and filmmaker Ben Affleck interrupted the proceedings by shouting out commands from a director’s chair in the balcony, courtroom sources reported. “Cut! Okay, that was good, but let’s run it again—Whitey, do you think you could give us a tiny little smirk after the foreman says guilty?” said The Town and Gone Baby Gone director, aiming a megaphone at the aging South Boston crime lord convicted on numerous counts of conspiracy, money laundering, and extortion, as well as 11 murder charges. “You’re doing great, but you came off just a little too remorseful that time. Maintain eye contact with the jurors like you’re really trying to intimidate them. Also, Bryan, we’re going to need a little more backlight on the judge. Let’s take it again.” Affleck later confirmed that Whitey will hit theaters in time for awards season.
Report: Some Shirts Good, Other Shirts Not Good #~# NEW YORK—A report released Thursday by the Brookings Institute confirmed that some shirts are good and other shirts are not good.
The NFL’s Top 10 Quarterbacks #~# With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. We begin with a helpful guide to the league’s best quarterbacks.
Unpaid Internship A Really Great Experience For Local Company #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Following the departure this week of their unpaid summer intern, executives at the marketing firm Purwin & Avery reflected on how the internship had turned out to be a really positive experience for their company. “Going into the program we weren’t really sure what to expect, but by the end we realized just how much we had gotten out of it,” department manager Dana Hughes said of the 10 weeks during which their summer intern, Erin, reportedly provided the company with more than 1,500 man-hours of free labor. “It was an invaluable opportunity for us, giving Erin a chance to work in a real-world, hands-on environment. It really broadened our perspective. In fact, it was such a great experience, we’ve decided to keep the internship program going year-round.” At press time, sources confirmed that three paid entry-level employees at Purwin & Avery had just received pink slips.
Terrified Laptop Wakes Up Inside Case #~# DENVER—Sources confirmed that a 16-inch laptop woke up screaming in a blind panic today after finding itself inside a Samsonite case. “Gah! Where the hell am I? What is this? For God's sake, somebody help me, please!” screamed the notebook computer, which had fallen asleep hours before and had awoken to find itself securely bound into the case’s Perfect Fit Technology. “Who are you? What do you want from me? Oh God, let me out, let me out!" At press time, the laptop was frantically searching for a WiFi signal so it could call for help.
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of August 13, 2013 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Millennials Choosing Not To Own Cars #~# In spite of carmakers’ efforts to lure younger buyers by advertising in video games and conducting social media campaigns, data show that 18- to 34-year-olds are buying cars at a much lower rate than previous generations. What do you think?
Woman At Supermarket Imagines Entire Narrative Where Bagger Is Happy With Life #~# CINCINNATI—While checking out at the local Shoprite Monday, customer Lauren Connors, 36, reportedly concocted an entire narrative in which the man who was bagging her groceries enjoys his job and is content with his life.
Highlights From Sunday Night’s Return Of ‘Breaking Bad’ #~# AMC’s critically acclaimed hit Breaking Bad premiered the first of its final eight installments last night after nearly 11 months off the air. Here are the most memorable moments from the highly anticipated episode:
Holder Seeks More Lenient Sentences For Drug Users #~# Attorney General Eric Holder outlined a proposal today to give judges more discretion in drug cases by eliminating mandatory minimum sentences for low-level, nonviolent drug offenders, which have been in place since the 1980s. What do you think?
Teen Choice Awards Honor Cory Monteith With Posthumous Surfboard #~# LOS ANGELES—To celebrate his contributions to television and remember the tragic circumstances that surrounded his death, the Teen Choice Awards posthumously honored Cory Monteith Sunday by giving him a surfboard. “We could think of no more fitting tribute to Cory than a colorful surfboard covered in palm tree decals,” said Teen Choice Awards director Michael Dempsey, adding that he hopes the Monteith family appreciates the surfboard. “The greatest tragedy is that Cory didn’t live to earn more surfboards.” Other surfboard winners from last night include the Kardashians, Miley Cyrus, and Twitter.
Israel Builds New Settlement To Host Palestinian Peace Talks #~# JERUSALEM—As part of their continuing efforts to bring peace to the conflict-stricken region, Israeli government officials announced today the construction of a new settlement on Palestinian lands where future peace talks can be held. “After years of failed diplomacy, it has become clear that we need to make a fresh start, and what better way to do so than by appropriating a small amount of Palestinian territory where Israeli citizens can live and negotiators from both sides can talk about a peaceful way forward?” said Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, referring to the civilian Jewish community that will be constructed in place of multiple razed city blocks in the West Bank. “With this new settlement in place, I believe that our prospects of peace and unity will be brighter than ever. In fact, we should build more settlements so there can be even more places to negotiate.” Netanyahu noted that any individuals currently living on the future site of Israeli-Palestinian peace talks have exactly 36 hours to leave before they are forcibly removed.
‘Expendables 3’ Cast Requests To Be Paid In Steroids, Meat #~# HOLLYWOOD—As pre-production continues on the third installment of the action franchise, sources confirmed Monday that the cast of Expendables 3 has asked to be paid solely in steroids and slabs of raw meat. “Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the rest of the actors have all requested a minimum of 120 testosterone injections and eight full racks of bloody bison ribs per day of filming,” said executive producer Robert Earl, adding that, should their demands be met, the cast will make 3,150,000 pounds of anabolic steroids, HGH, and ground chuck for appearing in the movie. “And if the film does well, they could earn a good amount of raw lamb, T-bone steaks, and full, uncooked pigs on the back end.” After an earlier contract dispute, Dolph Lundgren has signed on to reprise his role as Gunnar Jensen, with his representatives saying that the studio has agreed to compensate the actor by giving him 15 living cows that Lundgren plans to eat from the inside out.
Report: Redskins’ Name Only Offensive If You Think About What It Means #~# WASHINGTON—A new study published Monday by the University of New Mexico confirmed that the name of the Washington Redskins is only offensive if you take any amount of time whatsoever to think about its actual meaning. “When you hear or say ‘Redskins’ in the abstract, it’s completely harmless, but we’ve discovered that if you briefly pause to remember it’s a racial slur for an indigenous group wiped out by genocide over the course of a few centuries, then, yeah, it’s awful,” said lead researcher Lawrence Wagner, adding that only if you allow the NFL franchise’s name to register in your mind does it evoke the thought of human beings devastated by the forced removal from tribal lands, intentional exposure to smallpox, and countless massacres. “It has the potential to come across as a degrading relic of an ethnocentric mentality responsible for the destruction of an entire people and their culture, but that’s only if you take a couple seconds to recognize it as something beyond a string of letters.” Wagner recommended that the NFL franchise should change their name to something more appropriate and historically accurate, such as the Washington Racist Fucks.
Headline About So-Called Lobsterman Extremely Misleading #~# BAY VILLAGE, OH—Numerous internet users reported feeling extremely misled Monday by a news website’s headline, “Lobsterman Safe After Being Pulled From Ocean,” noting that the associated article contained neither images nor a detailed description of the promised aquatic Lobsterman creature. “I don’t understand—the guy in the picture just looks like a regular person,” a visibly disappointed Josh Huber, 29, told reporters after clicking on a link to the article with the expectation that he would be shown photographs of a large half-human, half-crustacean hybrid that had been captured. “I thought he’d have some big claws and a tail, maybe antennae or something. I guess I knew he probably wouldn’t have an exoskeleton or anything like that, but I figured he would at least be red, and I definitely thought he would be at least a 6-foot-tall lobster with a human head that speaks like a person. What gives?” As of press time, Huber was mulling over the possibility that the man in the photo might be the one who caught the Lobsterman.
25 Years Of Al-Qaeda #~# Sunday marked the 25th anniversary of the founding of the global terrorist network al-Qaeda. Here are some of the milestone moments in the militant organization’s 25-year history:
Man Made Clear-Headed Choice To Upload Series Of Online Videos Explaining How To Install Surround Sound Speakers #~# ‘This Was Something He Wanted To Do,’ Sources Confirm
Smarter Women Less Likely To Have Kids #~# According to new research, women who are more intelligent are less likely to want children, with researchers finding that a woman’s urge to have a baby diminished by 25 percent for every 15-point increase in her IQ. What do you think?
Carl Tresvant #~# Since he didn’t know anything about the topic being discussed, Carl Tresvant kept his goddamn trap shut.
No One At Baseball Game Has Any Idea What Inning It Is, What Score Is, What Teams Playing #~# CINCINNATI—Despite their earnest efforts to follow along with the action during Friday’s matchup between the San Diego Padres and the Cincinnati Reds, not a single person attending the baseball game currently has any idea what inning it is, what the score is, or even which teams are playing, sources confirmed.
Obama Taking 8-Day Martha’s Vineyard Vacation #~# The Obama family will leave Saturday for an 8-day vacation on the quiet, affluent island of Martha’s Vineyard, where they have visited three of the past four summers, and are expected to spend the week golfing, shopping, and relaxing. What do you think?
BREAKING: Thriller Writer Jeffery Deaver At Top Of His Game #~# NEW YORK—Late-breaking reports from the literary community confirmed just moments ago that veteran thriller writer and No. 1 bestselling author Jeffery Deaver has done it again. “POW! Deaver is back and better than ever with a new heart-stopping juggernaut of a book that showcases the 31-time novelist at the peak of his powers,” a publishing representative confirmed to reporters this morning, adding that this latest and best installment in the author’s Lincoln Rhyme series is “not to be missed.” “With every twist and turn, The Kill Room cements Deaver’s status as the undisputed master of the modern spy thriller. The one-two punch of this cunningly wrought, crackerjack page-turner will keep you guessing until the very end.” An update received at press time confirmed that if the book’s chilling conclusion doesn’t make your pulse pound, you probably don’t have one.
Mom Spends Beach Vacation Assuming All Household Duties In Closer Proximity To Ocean #~# NAGS HEAD, NC—Continuously doing laundry, cooking, or vacuuming in her family’s rented beach cottage this week, area mom Catherine Yardley has spent a much-needed vacation performing all her usual household chores while in closer proximity to the ocean, sources confirmed. “Isn’t it nice to just get away for a while and relax by the water?” Yardley said as she wiped down the kitchen counter and then took out the garbage, tasks she would normally perform at a distance of 200 miles from the beach instead of 50 feet. “I just love that I can be scrubbing the bathroom, look out the window, and see the tide coming in. We should do this every year!” At press time, Yardley was reportedly busy preparing a meal identical to what she would have made back home, except that she planned to serve it on paper plates.
Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football #~# DENVER—Two years after performing his 2011 spinal fusion surgery, doctors announced this week that Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has been officially cleared to return to the field and take part in football activities. “We’re pleased to say that after a long recovery, Peyton has successfully passed all of our medical tests required to begin engaging in full-contact drills,” said Dr. Alan Killough, who went on to praise Manning’s determination to come back ahead of schedule, adding that a year ago he doubted the signal-caller would even be able to suit up for the 2013 season. “Now, while we’re excited for Peyton, it’s important that we monitor his health closely as he gradually transitions back into football. He should be limited to the first quarter of games until around week six, when he can probably play an entire half, but I think it goes without saying that a full 16-game season is out of the question.” Killough added that patience would be key as even the slightest aggravation of Manning’s neck injury will most likely result in paralysis.
Insecure, Frustrated Bully With Something To Prove Considering Career In Law Enforcement #~# RALEIGH, NC—Calling it his lifelong dream, local man Brendan Lockhart, an insecure and perpetually frustrated bully who believes he has something to prove to the world, told reporters Thursday that he is seriously considering a career in law enforcement.
Vince Gilligan’s Brain Spoils Final Season Of ‘Breaking Bad’ For Vince Gilligan #~# LOS ANGELES—Despite waiting nearly a year for this Sunday’s return of the popular AMC series Breaking Bad, creator Vince Gilligan reported today that his own brain had nonetheless completely spoiled the television show’s final season for him. “I was really excited about seeing what was going to happen after Hank found out that Walt is actually Heisenberg, and to find out why Walt was in that diner alone in the season five flash-forward, but now that’s all totally ruined,” Gilligan said, confirming that his mind had not only revealed to him the entire plot of the season premiere, but also gave him a thorough scene-by-scene breakdown of every moment of the show’s final eight episodes. “The fucker totally ruined exactly what ends up happening to Walt, Jesse, Skyler, Hank, everyone! Not only that, but now I know the final scene, too.” Gilligan later told reporters that all in all, he was kind of happy his brain spoiled the show because the ending sounded “sort of shitty.”
Scientists Create Microscopic ‘Mona Lisa’ #~# Using nanoscale chemistry, scientists in Georgia have created the world’s smallest version of the Mona Lisa, with the researchers’ so-called Mini Lisa measuring just 30 microns wide, or less than a third of the width of a human hair. What do you think?
Truther Jihadist Wishes Al-Qaeda Had Committed 9/11 Attacks #~# DHAMAR, YEMEN—Calling the attacks on the World Trade Center “a missed opportunity for al-Qaeda,” 9/11 truther and militant jihadist Fahad al-Mouqrin reportedly expressed his deep disappointment Thursday that the September 11 attacks were in fact not carried out by the terror organization. “It would have been perfect if al-Qaeda did deliver such a devastating blow to the American infidels, but unfortunately, it was all planned and executed by the Bush administration to justify the Iraq War,” said the militant Islamic fundamentalist and conspiracy theorist, noting that it “really kills [him]” to think of the widespread carnage and chaos at Ground Zero, knowing deep down that it was not truly the work of his fellow mujahideen. “I wish we had destroyed those two buildings in the name of Allah, instead of the controlled demolitions at the base of the World Trade Center that actually caused both towers to collapse. But the whole thing was an inside job by the U.S. government and then covered up by the mainstream American media. Unfortunately.” Al-Mouqrin added that he is at least relieved al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden is still alive and currently planning imminent attacks on several major U.S. cities.
HorseConnect, The Social Network For Horses, Bought For $1 Billion #~# PALO ALTO, CA—In an exciting development for what many tech insiders are calling the hottest startup in Silicon Valley, HorseConnect, the social network exclusively for horses, has been acquired for approximately $1 billion, sources confirmed Thursday. “When we heard of a website that allows horses to create personal profiles and connect with one another online, we knew we had to get in on the ground floor,” said venture capitalist Micah Sheridan, leader of the consortium of private investors who successfully completed the all-cash deal, adding that he anticipated every stallion, colt, and filly in America would eventually be using the burgeoning social media platform. “There’s a ton of buzz around this property, and for good reason: Once we expand into the global market, the revenue potential is enormous. No question, it’s a bright future for HorseConnect, and we’re going to be there every step of the way.” Despite Sheridan’s unwavering enthusiasm about his investment group’s acquisition, many analysts reportedly have expressed their concerns as to its long-term growth potential, pointing to the disastrous IPOs of competing equine social networks Foal Follow, YearLink, and MareFinder.
Disney’s ‘Toy Tales’ Hits Theaters Friday #~# GLENDALE, CA—Sources at Walt Disney Animation Studios told reporters today they are expecting big things from their brand-new computer-animated feature film Toy Tales, which will debut in theaters across the country this Friday. “I think kids and adults alike are going to fall in love with the film’s gang of talking toys and their spirited, often touching adventures,” said Disney Studios chief creative officer John Lasseter, adding that he expected the film to kick off a continuing series featuring the colorful, anthropomorphic playthings. “We’ve got Brendan Fraser starring as Ranger Gil, Tommy Lee Jones as his rival-turned-sidekick Robot Fred, and Ray Romano as the wisecracking Mr. Lincoln Log. There will be laughs, there will be thrills, and there will also be a poignant coming-of-age tale at the heart of the film to give it a real emotional core. We dug deep and came up with a great original premise that people will love.” Lasseter went on to reveal that Disney has several other computer-animated films currently in production, including Scary Creatures, Mouse Chef, and Up High.
Motorcyclists Riding 2-Wide In Lane Right Next To You Probably Know What They’re Doing #~# TIFTON, GA—Traveling lightly with little to no body protection and occasionally swerving inward to chat, the two motorcyclists riding side by side in the traffic lane right next to you on Interstate 75 probably know what they’re doing, highway sources reported. “They’re riding at incredibly high speeds within feet of each other and dozens of other multi-ton vehicles, so of course they know how to travel safely without endangering the lives of everyone around them,” car passenger Jane Kurutz confirmed as the two men suddenly nodded to each other, cut across two lanes of traffic, and resumed traveling in a two-wide formation. “Oh, look, now they’re being joined by four other motorcyclists who are also riding side by side. Yep, there’s six of them. Probably all highly trained professionals with years of experience operating motorcycles in potentially lethal situations. Pretty neat.” At press time, sources reported that traffic had slowed down and the no doubt supremely careful motorcyclists were expertly passing cars by squeezing between them in a single-file line.
Feud Develops Between Sly Stallone, Bruce Willis #~# After Bruce Willis reportedly refused to appear in the movie The Expendables 3 for less than $1 million per day for four days of filming, the film’s star Sylvester Stallone blasted Willis on Twitter as “greedy and lazy” and said he would suffer “career failure.” What do you think?
ESPN.com Acquires ESPN.go.com #~# BRISTOL, CT—In a merger of the two online sports news giants, top executives at ESPN.com announced Thursday that they have fully acquired and subsumed rival website ESPN.go.com. “The audience of ESPN.com and the audience of ESPN.go.com overlapped so much that this move made the most sense,” said ESPN.com vice president Kevin Jackson, explaining that fans will no longer have to check both websites for complete sports news coverage. “Obviously, getting the traffic that was going to ESPN.go.com is huge for us. But there’s also just a lot of mutual respect and admiration between our staff and the ESPN.go.com staff. We’re very excited to start working together.” With the blockbuster acquisition complete, ESPN.com will reportedly now set its sights on picking up one or both of www.espn.com and http://espn.com.
Ravens Offense Suffers Another Huge Blow As Joe Flacco Lines Up Under Center #~# OWINGS MILLS, MD—After losing tight-end Dennis Pitta to a season-ending injury,  the Baltimore Ravens’ offense suffered another major blow Monday as team sources confirmed that quarterback Joe Flacco had lined up under center. “I saw Joe calling signals and stepping up to the line and—well, obviously your stomach just kinda drops when you see something like that,” said head coach John Harbaugh, who acknowledged that the team now has a “major void” to fill at quarterback. “Of course we’ll try to find a way to recover from what happened today, but right now I know the whole team is feeling completely demoralized.” The team reportedly sustained yet another crippling setback when Joe Flacco received the snap.
Purchase Of Jeans Ushers Man Into Exclusive, Ultra-Cool Subculture Of Jeans-Wearing Americans #~# PHILADELPHIA—Following his purchase of a pair of regular-fit Levi’s blue jeans, 32-year-old Frank Auttenberg has reportedly become part of the ultra-hip, ultra-exclusive subculture of pants-wearing Americans known as Jeans Wearers, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Just a few weeks ago I was a nobody, but look at me now—a member of the jeans-wearing underground, an elite and rare group of decision makers and persons of influence,” said Auttenberg, whose blue jeans get him tables at the coolest restaurants and cause people to ask, “Who is that man?” “Where is he going?” and “How do I become him?” “Innovators. Inventors. Tastemakers. Now that I wear jeans, these are the only sorts of people I socialize with. It’s the kind of realm only the hippest of the hip get to enter, but here I am, ready to make my dent.” Auttenberg then noticed another man wearing jeans nearby, grinned, and gave him a brief, knowing nod.
Winning Lottery Numbers So Obvious In Hindsight #~# RICHMOND, VA—According to numerous sources nationwide, the winning lottery numbers in Wednesday night’s $448 million Powerball Jackpot are, in hindsight, completely and maddeningly self-evident. “Jesus Christ, 58-5-25-59-30 and powerball 32! Of course!” said Richmond local Alexis Tavish, 41, noting that those particular numbers were a “total layup” and were practically staring her in the face the whole time. “How could I be so stupid? That 58 at the beginning? Talk about a gimme. And don’t even get me started on the 25 or the 30. I mean, in retrospect, what other numbers could they have been?” Sources confirmed that next time they will definitely just think for another second or two before picking the winning numbers.
New Poll Finds Majority of Americans Thought We’d Live Inside Computers By Now #~# WASHINGTON—According to a nationwide poll published Thursday by the Pew Research Center, an overwhelming majority of Americans said they were surprised that technology had not yet advanced to the point at which everyone lives inside of computers.
Blood-Spattered Suri Cruise Drags Dog Carcass To Mother’s Doorstep #~# 'Suri Get Meat Now?'
I Admit It, I Need Help Acquiring More Drugs #~# As any longtime drug user can attest, there comes a time in your life when you have to admit that you have a problem. A time when things get so bad that the only thing left to do is open your eyes and admit you need help. It’s about acceptance, about acknowledging that something is wrong and that you can’t fix it alone. And for me, that moment of acceptance happens now. So here it is: I admit that I am a serious drug abuser and that I need help acquiring more drugs.
Obesity Rates Falling Among U.S. Preschoolers #~# A new report from the CDC found that rates of obesity among preschool-aged children from low-income families fell slightly in 18 states between 2008 and 2011, the first time researchers have seen a decline in decades. What do you think?
Elizabeth Cho #~# Elizabeth Cho watched the sunset all the way to the end even after it started getting boring.
Woefully Misguided Man Stocking Up On Gallons Of Milk For Armageddon #~# DULUTH, MN—Noting that he expects he'll need all the nutrition he can get once the end of days arrives, Minnesota resident and utterly misled man Kyle Burton told reporters Wednesday that he is preparing for Armageddon by stocking his fridge to the very brim with gallons upon gallons of milk. “After things really start falling apart, I’m sure calcium and protein will be very important—so I just figured, better pack this place wall to wall with as much milk as I can find,” said the extremely confused man, adding that his vast store of milk will likely make him a veritable king in the post-apocalyptic wasteland. “Plus, I’ve got all of these fresh fruits and vegetables—so I’m pretty much set. Hell, with the amount I bought, I'll be happily eating apples and drinking milk for years.” At press time, the grievously misguided man was purchasing bags of ice to keep his milk cold throughout the apocalypse.
45,589,321 Healthy Kale Recipes To Try This Summer #~# We decided not to do this. We were tired. Maybe we will do this in the future. You should check back tomorrow and see if we’ve posted 45,589,321 healthy kale recipes. Maybe we’ll have the energy. Maybe we won’t.
Study: Child Obesity Rates Declining, But You Wouldn’t Know It Looking At MacArthur Center Mall In Norfolk, Virginia #~# NORFOLK, VA—A report issued Tuesday by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention reveals a significant decline in childhood obesity rates in several states, though, honestly, sources confirmed, you sure wouldn’t know it if you took one look at the MacArthur Center mall in Norfolk, Virginia. “After decades of rising obesity rates among American children aged 2 to 4, our latest findings show that the prevalence of this alarming trend may at last be diminishing, despite what even the briefest glance at the MacArthur Center mall might lead you to believe,” said CDC director Thomas Frieden, adding that the study, while statistically accurate, “sure as shit” doesn’t seem like it if you’ve ever watched dozens of preschoolers frantically waddle to the food court of the Norfolk shopping center. “Though it’s too early to conclude that we have turned the corner in stemming this dangerous epidemic, we hopefully will see further promising developments in the coming years, the grotesque little butterballs in the MacArthur Mall notwithstanding.” According to agency sources, the CDC’s latest report comes on the heels of similarly optimistic studies concerning the nationwide abatement of drug abuse, teen pregnancy, and illiteracy, which sure as hell weren’t written by anybody who’s ever visited the Ridgeland, Mississippi Dairy Queen.
2013-14 NBA Schedule Does Not Bode Well For Phoenix Suns #~# NEW YORK—Saying that late October through mid-April looks to be an incredibly tough stretch for them, league experts said Wednesday that the newly released 2013-14 NBA schedule does not bode well for the Phoenix Suns. “The schedule isn’t kind to Phoenix at all—they start off against the Trail Blazers at home, and then there are about 81 games there where they’ll face teams that present some pretty tough matchups for them,” said NBA On ESPN analyst Jalen Rose, also highlighting games against the Heat, Spurs, Thunder, Bulls, Rockets, Clippers, Warriors, Celtics, Cavaliers, Grizzlies, Pelicans, Nets, Knicks, 76ers, Magic, Wizards, Nuggets, Timberwolves, Jazz, Lakers, Kings, Bobcats, Raptors, Hawks, and Mavericks as incredibly difficult games for the Suns. “The schedule gets a little easier during the All-Star break, but after that there isn’t any let-up.” When asked to comment on the schedule, Suns coach Jeff Hornacek said he has circled the team’s 41 away games and 41 home games as contests that could pose significant tests.
Shia LaBeouf Shimmies Out Of Third-Floor Window At School For Wayward Boys #~# CRANSTON, RI—Capping off a month of unruly behavior that included defacement of school property, possession of forbidden items, and persistent backtalk and rebelliousness, sources say actor Shia LaBeouf attempted to escape from a dormitory window of the Homewood Training School for Wayward Boys last night, marking his third such attempt during the summer quarter. “I’m making my way out of this hole—good luck, kid,” the 27-year-old Transformers star reportedly said to his bunkmate before packing his cot with pillows and lowering himself from the building’s third-story window, aided by an improvised ladder of knotted bed sheets. “Look me up when you’re out. And make a break for it soon, if you got half a brain.” After being promptly apprehended when a night guard caught LaBeouf scaling the facility’s front gate, Homewood officials reportedly debated what to do with the smirking young man, whose only was response was, “Call my dad, see if he cares."
George W. Bush Undergoes Heart Surgery #~# Following the discovery of a blockage in one of George W. Bush’s arteries during his annual physical, doctors performed successful heart surgery on the former president Monday, inserting a stent to hold open his clogged blood vessel. What do you think?
Obama Not Sure How To Tell Nation This, But He Ran Over Jimmy Carter With Car Last Night #~# WASHINGTON—Sighing and shaking his head, a shaken and deeply saddened President Obama appeared before the nation Tuesday to deliver the news that he had struck and killed former president Jimmy Carter with his car while driving through downtown Washington last night.
Man Misses Simple Pleasure Of Going To Movie Store, Browsing For Something, Being Told It’s Out, Driving Home #~# FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Shortly after streaming a movie through his Netflix account earlier today, local man Brian Larson, 32, fondly recalled a simpler, more joyful time when he would go to his local video rental store, browse for a particular movie, find out it wasn’t available, and then drive home and find something else to do. “It was just a different experience walking into a cozy, independently run store and having someone tell you, sorry, they just rented out the last copy of the movie you really wanted to watch,” said Larson, adding that while he fully appreciated being able to immediately watch virtually any movie title on his laptop, he “occasionally misses” his Friday night routine of driving to a video store and then driving back home in disappointment 10 minutes later after failing to secure one of the store’s five copies of a new release. “Sometimes you could even see special recommendations made by video store employees, only to realize they don’t have any copies of those movies left either. It’s just the type of experience you’ll never get online.” At press time, Larson’s pangs of nostalgia were somewhat fulfilled when he found out the 2006 film The Prestige was not available to be streamed.
Masochist Dog Enjoys Being Walked Around On Leash While Naked #~# DULUTH, MN—According to neighbors living near local French bulldog Ruggles, the humiliation-loving canine apparently derives intense pleasure from being stark naked, clipped to a movement-constricting leash, and paraded around in public.
Members Of Opening Band Walking Among Crowd During Intermission Like Gods Among Men #~# OXNARD, CA—Descending from the stage as though from Mount Olympus on high, members of the alt-rock band Cold Thunder reportedly deigned to mingle among the awestruck masses at Club Lagos Thursday evening after the group’s 20-minute opening set. “Thanks for coming out, guys,” one of the godlike beings called to a throng of lowly supplicants, who gazed upon the almighty ones as they sipped upon the fine nectar they had obtained with their two complimentary drink tickets. “We’ve got another show next week, so come on out if you can. And we’re selling CDs out front. Only 10 bucks. We’ve got a mailing list, too, so definitely sign up for that.” Reports indicate the magnificent deities then hauled their equipment back to their van, leaving behind only a mythic afterglow, and the undying memory of their valor and might.
Mattel, NASA Introduce Mars Explorer Barbie #~# Marking the one-year anniversary of the Mars rover Curiosity’s landing on the red planet, Mattel debuted its new Mars Explorer Barbie developed with the aid of NASA, which features pink boots, a pink oxygen tank, a pink helmet, and a pink-accented form-fitting spacesuit. What do you think?
Alex Schlemmer #~# 34-year-old Alex Schlemmer is still to this day able to remember all the TV station numbers and affiliations from his childhood.
Repellent 9-Year-Old Crushed At Suspension Of Favorite Baseball Player A-Rod #~# NEW YORK—Following Major League Baseball’s decision to suspend the Yankees third baseman for 211 games, 9-year-old Alex Rodriguez fan and utterly repellent little asshole David Polaski expressed his heartbreak Tuesday that he won’t be able to see his favorite player in action until 2015. “I love A-Rod—he’s the best, and now I don’t get to watch him at all,” said the insufferable and entitled little prick, who sources confirmed has absolutely no friends and is hated by virtually everyone who knows or has ever met him. “The MLB is stupid. A-Rod’s the most awesome player ever. This sucks.” The repulsive, self-absorbed brat added that he’s just glad he can still watch his second-favorite player, Yankees relief pitcher Joba Chamberlain.
Highlights Of The Curiosity Rover’s First Year On Mars #~# One year ago, NASA’s Curiosity rover landed on Mars. The Onion looks back on some memorable moments of the robotic craft’s first year on the Red Planet:
Amazon CEO Buys ‘Washington Post’ For $250M #~# Jeff Bezos, the founder and CEO of the world’s largest online retailer, Amazon.com, bought The Washington Post and several smaller newspapers for a quarter of a billion dollars. What do you think?
Bob Woodward Gets New Job #~# BELLEVUE, WA—Following yesterday’s announcement that Amazon.com founder Jeffrey Bezos would be purchasing daily newspaper The Washington Post, sources confirmed today that Post associate editor and legendary investigative journalist Bob Woodward had already been repositioned at a new staff position in one of Amazon’s main warehouses just outside of Seattle.
Taylor Swift Now In Long-Distance Relationship With Curiosity Rover #~# NEW YORK—Slowing things down after a string of on-again, off-again romances, sources confirmed today that pop star Taylor Swift is currently in a long-distance relationship with NASA’s Curiosity Rover. “Taylor is really serious about Curiosity, and even though the distance is tough, she’s determined to make the relationship work,” Defamer.com writer Katie Jensen said of the 23-year-old country crooner and the six-wheeled automated motor vehicle, nicknaming the couple “Trover.” “Taylor has visited Mars every chance she’s gotten, but she’s not crazy about the temperature, and would prefer it if Curiosity moved to L.A. at some point down the road. Still, she’s definitely in love and she would move to the Red Planet in a heartbeat if Curiosity asked her.” At press time, sources confirmed the infatuated Swift was sending private X-band radio waves to the rover’s UHF antenna.
I’m Happy To Say, After 71 Years, I’m Finally Going On A Surfin’ Safari #~# If you take a look at my life and career, you might think I’ve done it all. From writing dozens of critically acclaimed records, to touring the country with the Beach Boys, to winning the hearts of millions of fans, I’ve seen a lot of my dreams come true. But so far, one dream has remained unfulfilled—an ambition that has dwelled in the back of my mind ever since I started playing music with my brothers Dennis and Carl and the rest of the boys: my lifelong dream to go on a surfin’ safari.
Dolphin Spends Amazing Vacation Swimming With Stockbroker #~# ORLANDO, FL—Describing the encounter as a once-in-a-lifetime experience she’ll never forget, local bottlenose dolphin Hazel reportedly recounted stories Tuesday from a recent vacation in which she got to go swimming with a stockbroker. “He was definitely shy at first, but with a little encouragement he swam right up next to me—the whole thing was so amazing,” said the dolphin, appearing excited as she described her “almost spiritual” encounter with the financial executive, whom she estimated was perhaps 40 years old and weighed as much as 180 pounds. “And he was just chattering away the whole time. It’s like they have their own little language. You have to wonder what’s going on in their heads and whether it’s true that they’re almost as intelligent as we are.” The dolphin added that while she ultimately enjoyed her experience, she was disappointed that she wasn’t allowed to actually ride the stockbroker.
‘The Onion’ Salutes Our Friend Mahmoud Ahmadinejad On A Job Well Done #~# After eight terrific, groundbreaking, and unforgettable years at the helm of his nation’s government, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad officially stepped down from office Sunday. Mr. Ahmadinejad has enjoyed so many historic accomplishments during his two terms in office, not the least of which were capturing the imagination and undying support of every Iranian across the country and setting a shining example of strength and astute leadership across the globe. As a token of our great respect, The Onion would like to salute you, Mr. Ahmadinejad, our good friend and ally, on a fantastic job serving as president of Iran, and we wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors.
Japan Launches Talking Robot Into Space #~# The Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency launched into space a 13-inch talking robot named Kirobo, which will join the crew of the International Space Station and will be used to study how robots can provide emotional support to people kept in isolation for long periods. What do you think?
Negligent Father Isn't Building A Castle To Protect Family From Apocalypse #~# Neighbors are up in arms over a careless homeowner who seemingly has no plans to turn his house into an impregnable fortress.
Report: Only Thing A-Rod Guilty Of Is Trying To Win Ballgames #~# NEW YORK—Following Major League Baseball’s announcement that New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez will be suspended through 2014, sources confirmed Monday that there’s only one thing the 14-time All-Star is guilty of, and that’s trying to win baseball games.
Royal Baby Spits Up On Great-Grandmother #~# LONDON—Members of the Royal Family confirmed today that, following his morning feeding, the crown’s newborn heir spit up on his great-grandmother, Queen Elizabeth II. “Elizabeth took the little hiccup lovingly in stride,” said an anonymous palace aide, adding that she had a “marvelous sense of humor about the episode.” “The Queen is devoted to her great-grandson and understands that babies will be babies. She wouldn’t dream of missing these early moments with him.” The aide added that the Queen’s outfit was mildly stained.
All I Want To Do Is Play Ball, Ya Know? Take Steroids And Play Ball #~# I feel like the last month has been filled with nothing but distractions. Every time I turn on the television or look at ESPN there’s another news story about who bought what from whom, who admitted to doing what, and who covered up for someone three years ago. Look, the bottom line is that all I want to do is get back on the field and play ball. Take a whole bunch of steroids and performance-enhancing drugs and human growth hormone and just play ball.
Iowa State Fair Guards Told To Shoot Non–Iowa Residents On Sight #~# DES MOINES, IA—Cautioning that non-residents should stay at least 500 feet away from the fairgrounds at all times to ensure their safety, Iowa state police announced Monday that they have ordered law enforcement officials at the upcoming Iowa State Fair in Des Moines to shoot all out-of-state visitors on sight. “We have positioned highly trained patrolmen and snipers throughout the entire fairground area and have given them specific instructions to eliminate all non-Iowans the second they can get a clean shot off,” police spokesman Sgt. Jonathan Davey said during a security briefing ahead of opening day festivities on Thursday, noting that while teams of long-range shooters have been trained to visually identify non-residents by their clothing, physique, and body language, officers on the ground have been told to check for state-issued IDs at the gates and shoot out-of-state visitors on the spot at point-blank range. “The state fair is for Iowans and for Iowans only. They’re the only ones who deserve to celebrate our rich history, salute our local growers, and look at our huge Butter Cow. The rest deserve to die.” Authorities added that they were confident the shoot-to-kill policy would be successful based on a similar police edict issued last year, when officers killed 200 mainstream folk musicians outside the state’s annual Indie Folk Music Festival.
World's First Lab-Grown Hamburger Tasted #~# A hamburger made from 20,000 small lab-grown strands of cow muscle, which were cultured from bovine stem cells, was cooked and served today in London, though food critics described the burger as too lean and not juicy enough. What do you think?
Man Has Never Given Single Definitive Yes To Any Invitation He's Ever Received #~# RICHMOND, VA—As far as coworkers and friends of local resident Jamie Brewster can determine, the 32-year-old paralegal has never once unequivocally accepted any invitation he has received in his entire life. “Whenever we ask him to one of our after-work get-togethers, he always says something like ‘Cool, hopefully I’ll be able to stop by,’” coworker Janice Simmons told reporters Monday, adding that Brewster’s repertoire of qualified invitation responses also includes the phrases “Yeah, we’ll see,” “It’s possible I could swing that,” and “Definitely, as long as I can finish up my work and get out of here at a decent time.” “Just once it would be nice to hear a simple ‘Yes, I’d love to come.’ Actually, at this point, I’d settle for a definitive, unambiguous response of any kind. A flat-out no would at least be honest.” At press time, Brewster had tentatively expressed his desire to attend an employee birthday celebration currently taking place in the office breakroom.
How The NSA Collects Your Data #~# In the wake of the Edward Snowden whistleblowing scandal, pressure has mounted from citizens at large as well as politicians on both sides of the aisle to curb the National Security Agency’s domestic espionage powers. Here’s a look at how the NSA collects your personal data:
8 Of The Hottest Celebs Without Their Flesh #~# Dermal papillae, schmermal papillae—Mila Kunis doesn’t need an epidermis to turn heads. This perennial sex kitten sizzles in this casual, flesh-free look.
Global Warming Making People More Violent #~# A study published in the journal Science found that extremely hot and dry weather resulted in greater levels of conflict, and posited that for every degree Fahrenheit increase in average temperature, violent crime in the U.S. would rise by 2 to 4 percent. What do you think?
Reading Rainbow Trout #~# PBS
Job Growth Remains Sluggish, Or Rather, Akin To A Slug #~# It’s Sluglike, Is What Sources Are Trying To Say
Terrorist Plot Foiled After Concert Security Taps Woman’s Purse #~# ANAHEIM, CA—Claiming that thousands of innocent lives had been saved, authorities announced today that a plot to bomb the Honda Center was successfully foiled Thursday evening after a concert security worker lightly tapped a purse with his hands, revealing several hidden explosives. “I grazed the outside of her bag with my fingers for a split second, and I could immediately feel the IEDs in there,” said Anthony Corvine, the heroic 31-year-old security staffer who identified the threat while manning the arena’s bag-check line. “We’re specially trained for this sort of thing, so a brief touch of any purse or backpack and we’ll know exactly what’s in there. People say I’m a hero, but I was just following our standard, highly effective purse-tapping protocol.” Sources confirmed this is the second such terrorist plot recently foiled at a major stadium, after security at New York City’s Barclays Center quickly patted the front pockets of an attempted suicide bomber last month.
Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement #~# Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole. Here are a few highlights from Castro’s remarks:
Texas Running Out Of Execution Drug #~# A spokesman for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice confirmed that the state, which has the nation’s highest rate of executions, is running low on the lethal injection drug pentobarbital and would exhaust its supply in September. What do you think?
Two People Who Went To Same College Ruin Evening For Rest Of Group #~# CHICAGO—Sources reported that an entire night with several close friends and acquaintances was ruined Thursday when it was revealed that two of the attendees had gone to the same college. “Oh, that’s too funny, because if you were a senior in ’07 we must’ve been there at the same time, because I graduated in ’05,” Lindsey Tolliver, 30, was overheard saying to Matt Fisher, 28, before they engaged in an all-night conversation about the poor quality of the freshman dorms, professors they may have shared, and “totally dumb” campus-wide events—a conversation that reportedly alienated the other three individuals present and rendered them completely silent. “Oh yeah, of course I went to Casino Night. It was so stupid but really fun. I’m surprised I never saw you there. I would always go with Ben Levine—do you know Ben Levine? Oh my God! That’s so crazy that you know him. We should call him right now.” Sources later confirmed the night only got worse when the three other members of the party just stared at Tolliver and Fisher as they debated which campus takeout place offered the best hot wings.
Armed George Zimmerman Given Warning For Speeding #~# Two weeks after being acquitted of murder charges in the death of Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman was pulled over for speeding in Texas, admitting to the police that he was carrying a gun and saying he was going “nowhere in particular” before being released with just a warning. What do you think?
Who’s The Best At Fighting? #~# Spike
Edward Snowden’s Life Just Flat-Out Fun And Exciting #~# MOSCOW—Citing a whirlwind month and a half in which he leaked classified details of a massive government surveillance operation, secretly fled from the United States to Hong Kong, and became a figure of national and global intrigue, sources confirmed Thursday that the life of NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is just straight-up fun, exciting, and full of action.
Edward Snowden Granted Asylum In Russia #~# The Russian government today granted temporary asylum to Edward Snowden, allowing him to leave Moscow’s Sheremetyevo Airport, where he has been staying for more than five weeks, and live freely within Russia for one year. What do you think?
Nation Just Wants To Be Safe, Happy, Rich, Comfortable, Entertained At All Times #~# WASHINGTON—In a new report released Wednesday by the Pew Research center, Americans indicated that when it comes to what they expect from their country, all they really want is to be safe, happy, rich, comfortable, and entertained at absolutely all times.
Asshole Awarded For Asshole Behavior By Business Community Leaders #~# PHILADELPHIA—At a ceremony held in the Hilton Hotel banquet hall Wednesday evening, noted local asshole Mark Thorton, 54, was recognized by his asshole peers in the business community with an award honoring his illustrious career of distinguished asshole conduct.
Grown Adult Walks Right Into Karate Studio #~# CAPE CORAL, FL—Marcus Webster, a full-grown adult with a job, responsibilities, and who stopped being 10 years old over 25 years ago, was observed walking into a karate studio yesterday, sources confirmed. Onlookers said that Webster did not enter the location—which the 38-year-old man earnestly refers to as a “dojo”—accompanied by a child, but was in fact there on his own in order to become better at karate. Upon entering the studio, witnesses reported that Webster removed his shoes and changed into his specialized karate gi, which he purchased with money he earns at his job, and then spent an hour performing a variety of elaborate poses and simulated fight moves. The grown man, who has a car and a mortgage, has been engaging in this activity three times a week for three years, and reportedly gets excited at the prospect of becoming a purple belt. At press time, sources confirmed that Webster was bringing his palms together and bowing to another adult, a 52-year-old man who spends his entire day in a karate studio and who insists that he be addressed as “sensei.”
Woman Apparently Wants To Smell Edible #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Using such products as pineapple-scented shampoo and raspberry sorbet body wash, 28-year-old Stephanie Holden apparently likes to smell like she wants other people to eat her, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I really like this vanilla-coconut fragrance, but sometimes I like to switch it up and use this blueberry stuff I got at Sephora,” said the woman in what would seem to be a concerted effort on her part to make friends, dates, and fellow pedestrians want to place her in a bowl, put a pinch of sugar on her, and then consume her. “I just like to smell [like food, apparently].” At press time, Holden’s milk-chocolate-scented hair was being gnawed on by three of her coworkers.
RGIII Assures Doctors He Can Barely Even Feel Knee #~# RICHMOND, VA—Putting the fears of coaches, fans, and the organization to rest, Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III reportedly assured team doctors Thursday that he can barely even feel his reconstructed right knee. “Really, guys, my knee is totally fine; honestly, it’s been completely numb for weeks,” the reigning Offensive Rookie of the Year told Redskins medical staff inquiring into the status of his surgically repaired ACL and LCL ligaments, emphasizing that he “can’t feel a thing from [his] hip on down.” “As far as I can tell, it’s almost like there’s nothing there at all. Maybe a tiny, shooting phantom pain every so often, but, really, I’m feeling great. Can’t wait for the season to start.” According to clubhouse personnel, in order to further assuage team doctors’ concerns, Griffin then demonstrated the improved flexibility of his knee by bending the joint backwards and touching his toes to his chest.
That Footage Of Neil Armstrong Playing Saxophone On The Moon Was Clearly Faked #~# For nearly half a century, Americans have been spoon-fed a thrilling but implausible picture of bravery and brilliance. We are evidently to believe that in 1969, a heroic crew of astronauts led by Neil Armstrong voyaged to Earth’s moon, descended to its surface, played a rip-roaring jazz-blues number featuring Armstrong on saxophone, and then returned safely to terra firma.
Coffee Linked To Lower Suicide Risk #~# A recent study found that people who drink two to four cups of coffee daily are 50 percent less likely to commit suicide than those who drink fewer than two cups a day, drink decaffeinated coffee, or don’t drink coffee at all. What do you think?
U.S. On Verge Of Full-Scale Government Hoedown #~# WASHINGTON—With legislators unable to reach an agreement on health care and other issues before the start of the new budget year, Washington insiders confirmed Monday that the United States is rapidly approaching a full-scale government hoedown.
Breaking: Congressmen Walking Somewhere #~# Groups Of 2, Sometimes 3 Seen Heading Down Hallways
‘Breaking Bad’ Ends #~# The AMC hit Breaking Bad, starring Bryan Cranston as a high school chemistry teacher with cancer who turns to making methamphetamine and Aaron Paul as his young partner in crime, came to a close after five critically acclaimed seasons. What do you think?
What A Government Shutdown Means For You #~# If Congress is unable to pass legislation that will fund the government by midnight tonight, the U.S. government will shut down. Here is what a government shutdown means for you:
NFL Week Four Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the fourth week of the NFL season:
5-Year-Old Figures He Has A Year Left Of Peeing At Urinals With His Pants All The Way Down #~# MODESTO, CA—Standing at a urinal in a ballpark men’s room Sunday afternoon, 5-year-old Derek Hill estimated that he likely has about a year left of urinating in public restrooms with his pants all the way down to his ankles. “It’s probably going to look really weird if I’m still doing this at 7 or 8, and I am willing to acknowledge that,” said Hill, standing with his legs far apart and holding his rolled-up shirt above his abdomen. “Which is annoying, because it’s just so much easier this way, you know? I know it won’t last forever, so I figure I might as well keep dropping my pants to the ground to pee while I still can.” Hill later lamented that as recently as 2012 it had been acceptable for him to avoid the inconvenience of getting up at night to use the bathroom by simply urinating in the comfort of his own bed.
Jay Cutler Proudly Watches Son Throw First Tantrum #~# CHICAGO—Telling reporters that it marked a joyous occasion for him as a father, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler proudly watched his 1-year-old son throw his first-ever temper tantrum Monday. “Hey, looks like my boy had himself quite the hissy fit, just like his old man,” said Cutler after his son Camden reportedly exploded into a tearful rage in response to dropping a juice box handed to him by a staffer at his daycare, screaming and pounding his fists on the ground for several minutes. “My little guy’s barely even a year old, and he’s already throwing tantrums like his dad does on TV. He even stormed out of the room and sulked afterward. Yep, he’s a regular chip off the old block.” Cutler noted that he further swelled up with pride upon watching his son blame his mistake on the other kids.
Dance Now! #~# CW
15% Of U.S. Adults Don’t Go Online #~# According to the Pew Research Center, 15 percent of adults in the United States do not go online or use email. What do you think?
Storied Fantasy Owner Relocates To New IP Address #~# NEW YORK—Bringing a notable chapter of National Fantasy Athletics Association history to a close, Brad’s Awesome Team relocated this week from 38.106.42.183 to 65.432.87.292. “This is an emotional day in our team’s history, but more than anything, it is an exciting step forward for our franchise,” said team owner Brad Blevins, adding that the move will improve the team’s competitiveness, in addition to offering fans a superior gameday experience, including pregame entertainment presented by Netflix and faster in-game updates of stats and scores. “We look forward to forging a new era in team history at 65.432.87.292, all the while never forgetting the memories made in our former home.” At press time, Blevins announced a lucrative naming rights deal with Lenovo’s IdeaPad Yoga11S reportedly worth $749.00.
‘Breaking Bad’ Ends With Reveal That Whole Series Was Plot Of Book Marie Shoplifted #~# LOS ANGELES—Capping off five seasons of critically acclaimed television, the AMC series Breaking Bad concluded its run Sunday night with the shocking revelation that the entirety of the show’s story—from Walter White’s diagnosis with cancer to his transformation into a ruthless methamphetamine kingpin—was in fact merely the plotline of a crime novel that character Marie Schrader had shoplifted from a local bookstore. “What I wanted to create for the finale was an uncompromising conclusion focused on the show’s true emotional core: Marie’s kleptomania,” show creator Vince Gilligan said of the episode’s revelatory last scene, in which flashbacks to beloved moments from the show are intercut with shots of Marie flipping to chapters in the novel such as “Heisenberg’s New Hat,” “Trouble With Gus,” and “The Train Robbery.” “From day one of writing the show, I knew exactly how the story would play out: with virtually all of its central characters other than Marie—including Walter White, Jesse Pinkman, Saul Goodman, everyone—revealed to be fictitious figures in a paperback thriller Marie felt compelled to slip into her jacket in an Albuquerque-area Barnes & Noble. Marie uses this pulp crime novel to help herself deal with the guilt she has stemming from her own very real criminal behavior, which she tries desperately to hide from her husband, local mineralogist Hank Schrader.” Gilligan told reporters he is especially pleased with the final shot of the series, in which Marie closes the stolen book, revealing it had been titled Breaking Bad all along.
Jay Kogen #~# Caricature artist Jay Kogen went easy on the jowls.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week Four Picks #~# OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week four games:
Scientists Recommend Having Earth Put Down #~# FORT COLLINS, CO—Claiming that it is the humane thing to do, and that the planet is “just going to suffer” if kept alive any longer, members of the world’s scientific community recommended today that Earth be put down.
Student Reporter Hits It Out Of The Park With 5 Accurate Sentences #~# TUCSON, AZ—Building on his recent winning streak of two almost correctly transcribed interviews and three basically right lede paragraphs, Arizona Daily Wildcat reporter Josh DeLuca completely knocked it out the park Friday with a story that had five accurate sentences, an achievement editors say has set a new standard for the student-run publication. “Josh absolutely nailed this assignment—we send him out to cover reading requirements at the Honors College and he comes back with a 1,200-word piece that has not one, but five whole sentences presenting factual, accurately reported information,” said Daily Wildcat editor-in-chief Peter Jobanik, adding that the sentence “Dean MacCorquodale said students are expected to have read the book thoroughly before it’s time to discuss them in their seminars” is a “total slam dunk” that doesn’t misspell anyone’s name, incorrectly describe someone’s job position, misattribute a quote to the wrong person, or take a remark completely out of context. “It’s not often you see a reporter who can write multiple sentences that don’t have glaring errors or really odd and confusing phrases you have to read over and over in order to comprehend what, if anything, they are trying to say. But Josh really stepped up to the plate and turned five out of his 63 sentences into something readers can remotely understand. He really raised the bar for the rest of our reporters.” At press time, DeLuca had reportedly scored another home run with a news blurb about campus housing that only mangled two out of his three sources’ quotes.
Google Turns 15 #~# Google’s search engine turns 15 years old today, with the tech giant celebrating the milestone at the Menlo Park, CA garage where the company was founded by Larry Page and Sergey Brin. What do you think?
Bullied Eighth-Grader Incorrectly Thought Classmates Would Leave Him Alone During Field Trip To 9/11 Memorial #~# NEW YORK—Citing the solemnity of the monument and the horrific events that led to its construction, eighth-grader Austin Holcombe just assumed his classmates wouldn’t bully him during his school’s field trip to the September 11 Memorial last Wednesday—an assumption that proved incorrect almost instantaneously, sources confirmed.
New Poll Finds Americans View Death Of Close Relative More Favorably Than Congress #~# WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Center, the favorability rating of the U.S. Congress has sunk so low that the legislative body is now looked upon more negatively than the death of a close relative. “When asked whether they would prefer to select a casket for their child or endure the forthcoming congressional showdown over the debt ceiling, 89 percent of Americans said they would rather bury their own offspring,” said Pew spokesperson Diana Shostak, adding that the figure went up to 96 percent when it was specified that the political brinksmanship could go on for weeks without a single piece of legislation ever making it to the floor for a goddamn up-or-down vote. “Watching one’s grandmother weep uncontrollably at the impending death of her husband of 60 years, having the agonizing conversation about whether to pull the plug on his life support unit, and looking on as he gasps for his final breaths—these situations all enjoyed higher approval ratings than any individual member of the House or Senate.” The poll also found that the prospect of suffering one’s own death by slow asphyxiation was viewed four times more favorably than anything having to do with filibusters.
Report: Aldon Smith’s Leave Of Absence Could Devastate San Francisco’s Bar Scene #~# SAN FRANCISCO—With the 49ers outside linebacker entering rehab earlier this week, multiple sources expressed concerns Friday that Aldon Smith’s indefinite leave of absence would absolutely cripple San Francisco’s bar scene. “You just can’t replace a guy like Aldon,” said Mission District bar owner Hank Reynolds, adding that Smith’s dominant presence during two-for-one rails and taps night would be greatly missed. “You can hope that somebody steps up to fill the void, but our business just isn’t as shored up with an All-Pro drinker like that out of the mix.” Unsure when or if Smith will return, local bar owners reportedly expressed hope that the linebacker is able to return without missing so much as a beat and get right back into his position as the anchor of the San Francisco drinking economy.
57% Of High Schoolers Unprepared For College #~# According to The College Board, only 43 percent of SAT takers in the high school class of 2013 received a 1550 or higher out of 2400 total points, the benchmark the organization uses to determine whether a student is “college-ready.” What do you think?
UFC 227 Or 183 Or Some Fucking Thing Happened Last Weekend #~# LAS VEGAS—In what was apparently the biggest event of their season, sources confirmed Tuesday that some fucking UFC 225 or 134 thing reportedly happened last weekend.
Google Employees Disappointed 15th Anniversary Party Only Has One Solar-Powered Lego Drag Race Reffed By David Pogue #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Saying they had been expecting something more, employees at tech giant Google expressed disappointment that today’s festivities celebrating the company’s 15-year anniversary only included one drag race of solar-powered Lego cars officiated by New York Times columnist David Pogue. “Today was definitely a letdown, given all of our expectations,” said Google programmer Cheryl Kendrick, saying that she and fellow coworkers were underwhelmed by the mere three different types of insect robots they were given to battle with, and that the field used to play billiards with giant inflatable balls did not look enough like a pool table and was a bit small. “I was pretty bored, to be honest. I thought they might take us to play laser tag at Alcatraz or do something with the Mythbusters. Even the Godiva fountain ran out after like an hour.” At press time, Google cofounder Sergey Brin was personally apologizing to company employees for not ordering enough visor headsets for the Tron virtual-reality simulation.
Michael Jeffreyton Wishes Screenwriter Had Given Him More Believable Name #~# LOS ANGELES—Speaking from his two-story, picket-fenced house on Oak Street, movie character Michael Jeffreyton told reporters Thursday that he has lately begun wishing that the screenwriter who created him had given him a more believable name. “‘Michael Jeffreyton’? It sounds like he just took the first name that popped into his head and went with it,” said Jeffreyton, who sources confirmed is handsome, fit, and drives a red convertible sports car to his job downtown as a lawyer. “I mean, I understand not wanting to name me Joe Smith or Dave Johnson or something, but Jeffreyton? That’s like a fake name a kid would make up. It’s bad enough we live in a town called Sunnyville.” At press time, Jeffreyton was letting out an audible, exhausted sigh at the thought of having to bond with his son Bobby that evening over yet another friendly game of basketball in the driveway.
Man Who Understands 8% Of Obamacare Vigorously Defends It From Man Who Understands 5% #~# SEATTLE—As debate continues in Washington over the funding of President Obama’s health care initiative, sources confirmed Thursday that 39-year-old Daniel Seaver, a man who understands a total of 8 percent of the Affordable Care Act, offered a vehement defense of the legislation to 41-year-old Alex Crawford, who understands 5 percent of it.
Airlines Made $27 Billion In Fees Last Year #~# A report found that airlines worldwide made $27 billion last year from fees—including those for checked baggage, early boarding, in-flight snacks, additional legroom, and more—which represents a 20 percent increase from the previous year. What do you think?
James Fenimore Cooper, Famed American Novelist, Dies At 224 #~# COOPERSTOWN, NY—James Fenimore Cooper, the prolific author of numerous historical romances about the early American frontier whose 1826 novel The Last Of The Mohicans established him as one of the nation’s most popular and enduring writers, died today at age 224 at his home in Cooperstown, NY, family members have confirmed. “We are heartbroken today by the passing of James Fenimore Cooper, a beloved husband, father, and patriot who captivated generations of readers with his sweeping sagas of the frontier experience and abiding love for the American wilderness,” a spokesman for the Cooper family said from the author’s estate where he had lived quietly with his family for the past 162 years. “His legacy will live on in the hearts of his family and the millions of readers around the world who continue to enjoy his work. We thank you all for your support during this difficult time.” Fenimore, whose wife, Susan, passed away in 1851, is survived by more than 170 children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great-great-grandchildren, great-great-great grandchildren, great-great-great-great grandchildren, and great-great-great-great-great grandchildren, including Bradley Fenimore Cooper, Chris Fenimore Cooper, Anderson Fenimore Cooper, and Alice Fenimore Cooper.
Man Who Has Something Seriously Wrong With Him On A Fundamental Level Leaves That Part Off OKCupid Profile #~# BOSTON—Upon reviewing his public profile on the dating website OKCupid, local man Malcolm Lighty, 34, told reporters Thursday that he had decided to omit the fact that he has profound and irresolvable psychological and emotional problems. “I didn’t want to include anything too personal, like the deep-seated mental issues that have always prevented me from connecting with another human being,” said Lighty, who reportedly concluded it was “best not to mention” that he is a seriously troubled man in need of professional help. “These profiles are just meant to introduce us, anyway. Later, we can get into the parts of my personality—like how my mother and father’s lack of empathy forever stunted my emotional development, and how I have a pathological fear of sexual intercourse—that get in the way of having meaningful relationships with women. For now, I’m just keeping things short and sweet.” Lighty later confirmed that he had been matched up with Kelly Caldwell, a woman who reportedly left off her profile that she is extremely attracted to damaged, unhinged men.
District Attorney Worked Way Up From Police Dog #~# WEST CHESTER, PA—Watching him pore over case files Monday morning from his office at Chester County Courthouse, you’d never know that Sam Morris, known affectionately as Sammy by his coworkers and former handlers, has only spent five weeks as the district’s top prosecutor.
Highlights Of Mariano Rivera’s Career #~# With the 43-year-old Yankees relief pitcher retiring, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from Mariano Rivera’s 19 seasons in the MLB.
Area Man Determined To Make The Best Of Situation Comedy #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’ll “just have to put [his] head down and get through this thing,” area man Martin Mull, 70, told reporters Thursday that he’s made up his mind to make the best of the situation comedy he’s in. “Obviously no one wants to find themselves in a situation comedy like this, but that’s just how life is sometimes, so I might as well soldier on,” Mull said, adding that his predicament was simply “one of those unavoidable situation comedies that crop up from time to time.” “You don’t plan these things. You hope they don’t happen. But when you find yourself in a situation comedy like the one I’m up against, you just have to put it in perspective and focus on the finish line.” Mull said he was confident he would be able to find the silver living in his unfortunate circumstances, adding that “After all, it’s not like I haven’t been in shittier situation comedies than this.”
Roger Goodell Announces NFL Will Begin Collecting Players’ Sperm For New Breeding Program #~# NEW YORK—Telling reporters that “we must prepare for the future,” commissioner Roger Goodell announced Thursday that the league would begin collecting sperm samples from all players for the NFL’s new breeding program. “Each player shall submit to mandatory weekly collection of genetic information, in accordance with new league protocol,” said Goodell, who noted that resistance to the program “will not be tolerated.” “Empty capsules shall be distributed on Tuesday. The player shall fill the capsule with semen and return it on Wednesday, at which point it shall become the sole property of the NFL. All of this is necessary. The league will survive.” Goodell then cryptically added that two players from each of the NFL’s 32 teams had already been selected “to serve as the vessels.”
Secret Agent’s Back’s Always Been A Bit Hinky Ever Since He Burst Through That Skylight And Landed In Fountain #~# LANGLEY, VA—Saying that he “must’ve wrenched it pretty good,” Secret Agent Mark Keller informed colleagues yesterday that his back has been a bit hinky ever since that one time he crashed through a stained-glass skylight and landed in a fountain during a black-tie event last month. “If I have to rappel down an all-glass skyscraper, it’s really not that bad, maybe a few knots, but whenever I barrel roll out of a burning car before it careens off a cliff, the back’ll really flare up these days,” Keller told reporters, adding that hanging from a moving helicopter is actually good for his back because it “keeps everything good and stretched out.” “The thing is, it usually doesn’t hurt while I’m sliding down a steep rooftop while trying to dodge gunfire, it’s the next morning when I really feel it. I probably just have to take it easy the next time I jump out of a plane at 20,000 feet and parachute onto a surfacing submarine.” Keller added that he would maintain his daily routine of running and jumping from the tops of train cars, as he insists that the movement prevents his back from stiffening up.
20% Of Yelp Reviews Fake #~# Following a recent study that found that 20 percent of all reviews on Yelp are fake, the attorney general of New York announced it had fined 19 businesses for posting fraudulent positive reviews, which had been farmed out to phony reviewers in Bangladesh, the Philippines, and Eastern Europe. What do you think?
Advertiser Thought This Sponsored Post Was Good Idea #~# NEW YORK—The marketing and advertising team at a major American company actually believed that commissioning, paying for, approving, and publishing this sponsored post you are reading right now was a smart move, sources confirmed this week. “People love to read sponsored posts, it is the best way for making people trust and respect your brand, and this website is the best place for a company like ours to get the word out about its products,” said a spokesman for the company, which, again, genuinely thought that it was effectively bolstering its image with the purchase of this four-sentence, 164-word article that is clearly labeled on a popular website as a piece of advertising material. “The post will take everything people like about this website’s regular content and slap our company’s logo and corporate voice all over it. This is a great idea. People will love this. Right?” At press time, the company in question is actually considering doing another one of these things.
Jacob Elish #~# Jacob Elish watched a pornographic movie featuring an actress that vaguely resembled his wife.
President Cruz Fondly Recalls 21-Hour Speech That Started It All #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking with reporters from his desk in the Oval Office Wednesday, President Ted Cruz found a moment to take a break from his duties as commander in chief and leader of the free world to fondly recall the marathon anti-Obamacare Senate speech he delivered in 2013, the one that propelled his ascent to the presidency.
Facebook Version Of Marriage Going Great #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Citing the numerous photos and status updates that the couple regularly post online, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Facebook version of Annie and Colin Wheeler’s eight-year marriage is going extremely well.
World’s Insect Leaders Attend G20,000,000,000 Summit #~# OTTAWA—A host of high-ranking insect leaders convened in Canada for the annual G20,000,000,000 summit Friday, addressing various challenges facing today’s insects and promoting stability among the global bug population.
Area Man Worried Health Care Debate Might Be Getting Political #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Local man Henry Allen, 56, expressed concern Tuesday that the debate over how United States citizens receive health care may in fact be becoming a political issue, sources confirmed. “Is it just me, or does it seem like the overall health and well-being of everyday Americans is in danger of somehow being used as fodder for elected officials to score political points against their rivals?” Allen told reporters, adding that he’d hate to think that lawmakers from both parties would distort the facts of a literal life-and-death issue solely to gain seats in Congress, if in fact that is what’s happening. “I mean, supposing that is the case, and health care is becoming politicized in some way, how does that really help someone who doesn’t have access to quality health care actually get health care? I guess it really doesn’t.” Allen stated that, in the end, he believes elected officials know how great their responsibility is to the American people, and that they would ultimately of course never let something as petty as party politics get in the way of that.
GM To Pour All Resources Into Single Car That Can Be Safely Driven Down Street And Back #~# DETROIT—In what is being hailed as a potential game-changer for the beleaguered automotive giant, General Motors announced Thursday that it plans to pour all its resources into a single car that can be safely driven down the street, turned around, and then driven back.
Ted Cruz Gives 21-Hour Speech Against Obamacare #~# Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), with the help of a few other conservative senators, spoke for over 21 hours on the floor of the Senate beginning yesterday afternoon as part of his effort to defund the Affordable Care Act. What do you think?
Man Experiencing First Real Moment Of Peace In Years Resuscitated #~# PORTLAND, OR—Interrupting the only moment of genuine peace the man had known in several decades, a team of paramedics reportedly resuscitated area resident Alan Taborsky this morning following an apparent cardiac arrest. Reports indicated that just as Taborsky had reached a state of complete relaxation in which he felt unburdened by his life’s troubles for the first time in recent memory, medical technicians wrenched him back into consciousness with a pair of defibrillator pads. By reviving the 62-year-old, emergency personnel reportedly denied Taborsky the deepest sense of contentment of his life, cutting short a soothing and profound state of calm after what sources confirmed was only a few blissful seconds. At press time, a paramedic had informed Taborsky that he was lucky to be alive.
I Wish The Government Would Make Up Its Mind Who Should Be Killed And Who I Can Have Sex With #~# I love my country and strive to be the best citizen I can be. While I may not agree with everything our government does, I abide by its laws nonetheless. That’s part of living in a democracy. But I grow frustrated when our elected officials fail to issue clear-cut rules on matters critically important to my life. Why, for example, have they not yet reached a consensus on who should be killed and who I’m allowed to have sex with?
Yankees Honor Derek Jeter, Retire His Number, Forcibly Remove Him From Stadium #~# NEW YORK—In a farewell ceremony before the team’s Tuesday night game against the Rays, the New York Yankees paid tribute to longtime shortstop Derek Jeter by officially retiring his number and then forcibly escorting him out of the stadium, sources confirmed. “Over 18 incredible seasons, Derek was one of the best players baseball has ever seen, and his amazing career speaks for itself,” Yankees GM Brian Cashman said to the crowd as he walked Jeter—who repeatedly looked around in confusion—to center field while former teammates Jorge Posada, Paul O’Neill, and Bernie Williams unveiled the number 2 jersey in Monument Park. “While we’re all sad that this is his last appearance at Yankee Stadium, none of us will ever forget his amazing contributions to this ball club. It’ll be strange not seeing you out there anymore, Derek, but you’ll always be remembered as an all-time Yankee great. So let’s hear it one last time for our captain, Derek Jeter!” The ceremony reportedly concluded as security guards took Jeter’s hand and waved it to the crowd, dragged him inside the stadium against his will, and then shoved him out into the parking lot.
Owner Admits Fantasy Team In Rebuilding Year #~# NEW YORK—During a press conference this week to discuss his expectations for the upcoming fantasy football season, Brad’s Awesome Team owner Brad Blevins asked fans for patience as his franchise enters rebuilding mode. “We need to be realistic and realistically, we’re still another season away from competing for a playoff spot,” said Blevins, assuring diehard fans that Brad’s Awesome Team will not tank any games this season in an attempt to secure the first overall pick in the 2014 draft. “We’ll never have the resources of a perennial contender like Huge Giant Robots, but we like the pieces we’ve assembled. This is an exciting young roster we’re building around and fans can be confident that 2014 will be our year—and just the beginning.” At press time, Blevins refused to address rumors that his team was shopping all of its veterans to clear cap space.
Tamara Federici #~# Tamara Federici gave her friend a couple of extra back pats during their goodbye hug.
Married People More Likely To Beat Cancer #~# A recent study found that married people are 20 percent more likely to survive a battle with cancer than their unmarried peers. What do you think?
Burger King Debuts Low-Fat ‘Satisfries’ #~# Fast food chain Burger King is rolling out a new item that it calls Satisfries, a type of crinkle-cut french fry that allegedly has 40 percent less fat and 30 percent fewer calories than McDonald’s french fries. What do you think?
Intricacies Of Meal Plan Discussed #~# BOSTON—Boston University freshman Zack Klein explained the ins and outs of his meal plan Monday, telling friends that he went with the “9-Plus Plan” because it makes the most sense based on his eating habits and class schedule, sources confirmed. “With the 9-Plus, I only get nine dining hall meals per week, but I get 800 dining points per semester, which is good because I’ll probably eat lunch at the GSU most days anyway, and you can use dining points at Late Nite [Café],” Klein told his friends, one of whom, sophomore Emily Reiss, said that last year she opted for the 250 Plan, didn’t realize that meant she only received 125 meals per semester, and then had to write a letter to dining services in order to get it changed. “The cool thing is that the dining points carry over from the fall semester. So if I don’t use all of them, I get even more points during the spring. I think next year, though, I might move off campus and cook more, so I might not even get a meal plan at all. Or maybe I’ll just do Convenience Points.” Klein and Reiss reportedly just assumed that their other friend, Seth Kemmis, probably got the Unlimited.
New Netflix Gas Lets Users Inhale Multiple Seasons Of TV Shows #~# LOS GATOS, CA—Netflix unveiled its brand-new fume-based streaming service Monday, finally allowing its nearly 26 million worldwide subscribers to instantly inhale multiple seasons of their favorite television shows in just one sitting, company sources confirmed. “With Netflix Gas, we’re really hoping to tap into a demographic that’s a little more fast-paced, a little more on-the-go, and that just wants to sit down whenever they have the chance and breathe in three or four seasons of, say, Fringe in less than 10 seconds,” said company spokesperson Brian Cohn, explaining the new service is $11.99 per month and comes with a complimentary Entertainment Mask that fits comfortably over  users’ mouths and—via a combination of nitrous oxide, vaporized ether, and the gaseous state of the entire series of Sports Night—allows them to transmit all 45 episodes of the show directly into their bloodstreams and into their brains. “Frankly, we think this distribution model is going to be the future of how Americans watch television.” Reports indicate that the media company has already approached director Sam Mendes to create an original drama series based on the life of Al Capone solely for Netflix Gas.
Highlights Of Obama’s Speech To The United Nations #~# President Barack Obama spoke in front of the United Nations General Assembly on Tuesday. Here are some prominent moments from the president’s address:
Fantasized Argument Getting Pretty Intense #~# BELMONT, MA­­—Escalating over the course of 20 minutes from a restrained discussion with a coworker to a heated confrontation between multiple members of his management team, the fantasized argument currently taking place in the mind of Digital Ventures, Inc. employee Jesse Newman is getting pretty intense, sources confirmed today. “You’re talking to me about incompetence? Me?” Newman said in his mind while furrowing his brow and letting the entirely fictitious dispute go to an increasingly frank and emotionally charged place. “Mark, no one in this room agrees with you. Why? Because they don’t respect you. And they never have. And if you honestly believe that what you do around here is in any way vital, or important, or irreplaceable, then you are out of your mind. Absolutely out of your mind. No…you made it personal by insinuating that I wasn’t up to the task.” At press time, a blood vessel was just becoming visible on Newman’s temple.
Nation Sick Of Looming Stuff #~# WASHINGTON—Noting the ceaseless onslaught of issues constantly nearing the eleventh hour, Americans across the country told reporters Tuesday they are sick and tired of all this looming stuff. “Frankly, I would like a week to go by where I don’t hear about some sort of showdown or crisis that is looming, or brewing, or rearing its head, or anything like that,” said 34-year-old Matawan, NJ resident Jonathan Lear, echoing the thoughts of all 315 million U.S. citizens who have expressed a strong desire for the nation to take a break from either approaching or being on the cusp of anything at all, including conflicts, deadlines, decisions, battles, something ending, something beginning, something getting worse, or something getting even worse. “I don’t want to hear about how another bad or difficult thing we need to avoid is ‘on the horizon’ or ‘right around the corner.’ Just let all the horrible impending shit that’s going to happen happen so we can at least get it over with and move on with our lives.” The American populace did confirm, however, that they are more than happy to hear about anything that is in the nation’s rearview mirror.
Giants Nervous They Might Actually All Be On Same Page #~# NEW YORK—Following their first practice since their disastrous 38-0 loss to the Panthers, several Giants players reportedly expressed concern Monday that they are actually all on the same page. “Unfortunately, I think we’re communicating well, have great team chemistry, and have  generally gelled to form one cohesive unit,” said defensive end Justin Tuck, fearing that at this point the product on the field is the result of the team working in complete unison to the best of their abilities. “I hate to say it, but there’s no confusion, zero distractions, and every player is committed to the same goal. It seems like everybody knows exactly what their individual roles are and how all the pieces are supposed to fit together. It’s scary, but we may very well be the full sum of our parts.” Tuck added that he is extremely worried that every single one of his teammates responded to his demand last week that they step up their game.
Cereal Commercial Completely Neglects Showing Numerous Life Problems Character Faces Beyond Breakfast #~# BOISE, ID—Displaying a single-minded focus on the benefits of eating a delicious and wholesome morning meal, a television commercial for Special K that appeared today reportedly failed to depict any of the many life problems its protagonist might face outside breakfast. “This commercial talks about breakfast like it’s the only thing that’s going on in this woman’s life, when for all we know she could be struggling with a wide range of deep seated problems that a cereal fortified with essential vitamins and nutrients would honestly not even begin to address,” said viewer Beth Cavanaugh of the 30-second advertisement, in which a mother remarks that “finding a healthy cereal [her] kids will actually eat is hard” while entirely omitting any mention of the professional, social, medical, or financial issues unrelated to breakfast that she is likely confronting. “Sure, it’s important to eat well in the morning, but it’s also important to earn a living, support your community, find the right work-life balance, feel validated, and maintain healthy relationships with the people you love, and this woman is likely just barely keeping her head above water on all of this stuff. And yet the commercial doesn’t address any of that—it just has this obsessive tunnel vision for breakfast.” Sources also noted that throughout the ad, the woman appears to pour milk onto the cereal for a good 12 to 15 seconds.
Manager Inspires Marlins With Clubhouse Reading Of Contractual Obligations To Play Out Season #~# MIAMI—Prior to their Monday evening game against the Phillies, Marlins manager Mike Redmond motivated his players with a moving reading of the team’s contractual obligations to play out the rest of their season, clubhouse sources confirmed. “Before we go out there tonight, I want you guys to remember this: As it states in article V of section 3(a), we are all legally bound to play all nine innings tonight in order to receive full salaries plus health, dental, and retirement benefits,” Redmond reportedly said as his players gathered around and quietly nodded along with his words. “I want each of you to look at yourself not just as a player, not just as a man, but as a paid employee of the Miami Marlins franchise owned by Jeffrey Loria, who signed you to play for this Major League Baseball team for a minimum of 162 regular-season games. And after tonight, when you come off that field, you hold your heads up high, because you fulfilled the requirements necessary to get your paychecks. So c’mon, boys, let’s go to work as our contracts stipulate!” After Redmond reminded players that their season will be over on September 29 no matter what happens against Philadelphia, the entire team reportedly erupted in cheers and excitedly took the field.
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of September 24, 2013 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Neo-Nazis Trying To Create Whites-Only Town In ND #~# A white supremacist has purchased multiple properties in the town of Leith, ND and has invited fellow neo-Nazis to move there with the goal of taking control of the local government and creating a whites-only enclave, despite the protests of Leith’s 24 current residents. What do you think?
New Television Show To Examine Rarely Discussed Years Between 1980 And 1989 #~# BURBANK, CA—According to sources, ABC’s new family comedy The Goldbergs is ambitiously aiming to somehow bring the oft-forgotten, seldom referenced decade of the 1980s, in which the series is set, back into the zeitgeist. “As a culture, America has rarely looked back on the years between 1980 and 1989 in a nostalgic or playful way—in fact, I’m not sure such an act of tongue-in-cheek retrospection has ever been attempted—but The Goldbergs is apparently attempting to do just that,” said network spokesperson Jonah Levitt about the show that follows the exploits of the Goldberg family—including an overprotective mother, her husband, and their three children—but audaciously takes place during the little spoken-of and rarely joked-about decade that preceded the 1990s. “Viewers will come to love the Goldberg family as they learn life lessons, all the while bringing light to this previously unexplored era of outdated fashions and synthesizer-based pop music.” At press time, viewers were reportedly amazed to hear that time had not lapsed directly from December 31, 1979 to January 1, 1990.
NASA Offering $18K To Stay In Bed For 70 Days #~# NASA researchers will pay volunteers $18,000 to stay for 10 weeks in a bed inclined at six degrees, such that subjects’ feet are higher than their heads, which simulates cardiovascular conditions seen in space. What do you think?
Extremely Vibrant Town Able To Sustain Two Buffalo Wild Wings #~# PEORIA, IL—Sources confirmed Monday that the unprecedented prosperity and wealth exhibited in Peoria, IL is evidenced by the vibrant and economically robust town’s ability to sustain not one  but two Buffalo Wild Wings locations. “Normally, having more than one Buffalo Wild Wings in a single municipality isn’t remotely feasible from an economic standpoint, but in Peoria, which is essentially the very definition of a boomtown, it’s almost expected,” said University of Chicago economist Robert Lucas, adding that one need not look any further for symbols of citywide prosperity than the Buffalo Wild Wings at 5121 W. American Prairie Dr. and the Buffalo Wild Wings at 833 W. Camp St. “If you consider the kind of thriving local economy it takes to support such an extravagant luxury, it’s clear that Peoria has an abundance of riches that puts ‘wealthy’ cities like Oslo, Abu Dhabi, and Tokyo to shame. This truly is the city of gold.” Lucas went on to compare Peoria’s enormous wealth to its sister city of Bloomington, IN, whose financial largess is embodied by the town’s five McDonald’s locations.
Highlights From Last Night’s Emmy Awards #~# The 65th annual Primetime Emmy Awards were held last night at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles. Here are some of the most notable moments from this year’s ceremony:
Dad Explains Obamacare #~# ‘It’s Bullshit,’ Father Says
NFL Week Three Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the third week of the NFL season:
How ‘U.S. News’ Ranks Colleges #~# U.S. News & World Report published its influential annual list of the nation’s best colleges earlier this month, with Princeton University topping the 2014 rankings. Here is a behind-the-scenes look at the methods and metrics used by the magazine:
Length Of Relationship Mistaken For Quality Of Relationship #~# DOVER, DE—Following local couple Mark and Diane Raftery’s 25-year wedding anniversary this weekend, friends and family reportedly reflected on the pair’s milestone by mistaking the length of their relationship for its quality. “Wow, 25 years is incredible—it’s a true testament to the bond Mark and Diane share,” said one acquaintance, believing that the sheer passage of time since the two married indicates the presence of a deep and meaningful emotional connection that actually enriches both of their lives. “It’s so great to see them together after all these years. Not that many couples can say they’ve lasted that long. They definitely have something special.” Those close to the Rafterys are also said to have mistakenly referred to their paralyzing fear of being alone as “true love.”
Nation Curious As To What Winning Formula Responsible For A’s Success #~# OAKLAND, CA—Claiming to be very eager to learn anything about the team’s successful yet mysterious tactics, Americans across the nation reportedly expressed their keen interest Friday in the Oakland A’s winning formula for remaining consistently competitive over the past decade. “Year after year, the A’s win an above-average number of games even though they’re on a far smaller budget than most teams—how do they keep doing that?” said Lowell, MA resident Jake Hughes, 28, adding that someone should at least interview GM Billy Beane and, if possible, get an inside look at the way Oakland’s front office operates. “I suppose it could be pure luck, but something tells me there’s more to the story than that. I wonder—and this is all purely conjecture, of course—if they have some sort of unique system in place to get the optimal value for their payroll: a ‘fiscal ballgame,’ if you will. Whatever they’re doing, it’s unorthodox, and I’d love to know about it, especially within the context of baseball history and the game’s more conventional practices.” Despite their curiosity about the franchise’s strategy, Americans confirmed that they would not be interested in anything beyond a single magazine article on the subject.
Study: Life On Earth Has 1.75 Billion Years Left #~# A new study found that our planet will remain habitable for life forms for at least the next 1.75 billion years, after which the sun’s increasing heat will burn off all the liquid water on the planet and render Earth unfit for life to exist. What do you think?
Man Feels Automatic Connection With Attractive Woman #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Saying he was immediately drawn to her for reasons he “can’t quite put his finger on,” local man Brad Feltzer, 28, said he feels an instant and almost inexplicably strong connection with physically attractive coworker Susan Iglesias. “I don’t know what it is, but there’s just something about her that made me realize the moment I saw her: This is someone I could be very happy with,” said Feltzer of the lithe 23-year-old with perfectly symmetrical facial features, clear skin, and long, chestnut hair. “Maybe it’s her personality, or the way she talks, or maybe even something else entirely that I can’t put into words. I mean, who knows why we’re drawn to people, ya know?” Sources confirmed it is a connection that Feltzer has felt with attractive women only three or four thousand times before.
Jim Schwartz Allowed To Coach Despite Exhibiting Concussion-Like Symptoms #~# DETROIT—Reports from Lions practice this week indicate a growing sense of concern over head coach Jim Schwartz’s decision to continue managing the team despite exhibiting a variety of concussion-like symptoms. “Between his inability to concentrate, confused demeanor, and extreme irritability, he shows all the signs of having suffered a traumatic brain injury,” said head trainer Dr. Rick Holloway, adding that Schwartz’s slurred speech and typically blank expression further suggest that at some point the coach was subjected to a violent blow to the head. “At times he seems to lack total situational awareness and often does not appear to understand what is being asked of him. Frankly, I’m uncomfortable with the idea of him going out there and leading the team like that, but unfortunately there’s no rule in place that says I can stop him.” When asked to comment, Schwartz reportedly insisted he feels fine and is more than prepared to coach his team to a victory over the Arizona Cardinals.
Pope: Church Must Stop Focusing On Gays, Abortion #~# Claiming that the Catholic Church had become “obsessed” with “small-minded rules” on social issues, such as contraception, abortion, and homosexuality, Pope Francis said the Church should be more inclusive and focus on spreading messages of compassion instead of condemnation. What do you think?
Onion Sports’ NFL Week Three Picks #~# OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week three games:
The Onion’s Tips For Healthy Skin #~# Here are The Onion’s tips for keeping your skin healthy and beautiful:
Weak Little Man Asks For Help #~# LINCOLN, NE—Apparently too weak and feckless to execute the task on his own, utterly pitiable little sales associate Nick Gardocki, 27, pathetically asked his coworkers for help on a project Friday afternoon, sources confirmed. “If one of you guys are free, I could really use a hand here,” said the poor excuse of a man, who, much like a helpless child, essentially admitted he was incapable of handling a problem on his own, thus forever branding himself as a fragile and powerless human. “I’d really appreciate it, thanks.” At press time, the miserable little invertebrate watched as a real man, one who does not require the help of others, assisted him.
Lonely Nation Gathers Outside Window Of Happy Family Eating Dinner Together #~# MARSHALL, VA—Gazing longingly at the happy, loving family as they sat down to eat, all 315 million Americans gathered outside the dining room window of Edward and Karen Langhorne on Thursday night to watch the couple and their children enjoy dinner together, sources confirmed.
Best Sports Movies Ever Made #~# With the auto-racing film Rush coming to theaters next week, Onion Sports examines the greatest sports movies of all time.
Area Man Absolutely Determined To Use Wheelbarrow This Weekend #~# AKRON, OH—According to sources, local homeowner Terry Hoffman is positively determined, no matter the consequences or expense involved, to do something, anything with his wheelbarrow this weekend. "I don't care if it's hauling manure, or moving some potted plants, or just putting one brick inside and wheeling the thing back and forth from the backyard to the front yard, I am going to somehow use that wheelbarrow this weekend and nothing is going to stop me, do you understand me?" a resolute Hoffman told reporters, adding that he is aiming to silence "all of the naysayers and pernicious critics" in his own home who have consistently questioned his purchase since he brought the wheelbarrow back from The Home Depot three years ago. “Anyone who stands between me and that wheelbarrow is in for a world of trouble. And to all those who doubt the value of the wheelbarrow, and its place of prominence on the side of my yard, I say shame on you, for it shall be used, and it shall be used this very weekend!" At press time, Hoffman was seen typing “wheelbarrow uses” into Google.
‘Wizard Of Oz’ Rereleased In IMAX 3D #~# A digitally restored IMAX 3D version of the The Wizard Of Oz begins a weeklong run in theaters today as part of Warner Bros. effort to celebrate the film’s 75th anniversary and promote their new Collector’s Edition Blu-ray and DVD, which will go on sale Oct. 1 for $105. What do you think?
Hell Now A Thriving Epicenter Of Gay Culture #~# THE MALEBOLGE, NETHER REGIONS OF DARKNESS—Noting the incredible rate at which the community has grown, sources confirmed Thursday that Hell, the Endless Kingdom of Misery, is now a booming haven of gay culture.
What Apple Users Need To Know About iOS 7 #~# Yesterday, Apple officially released iOS 7, the latest update to its mobile operating system that runs the iPhone and iPad. Here’s what’s new about iOS 7: 
Food Allergies Cost U.S. $25 Billion A Year #~# New research shows that food allergies among the nation’s children—including allergies to nuts, wheat, dairy, and other foods, which affect 8 percent of all U.S. kids—cost American families an estimated $24.8 billion a year in medical expenses, allergen-free foods, special child care, and lost productivity. What do you think?
Prince Fielder Promises To Hit Home Run For Terminally Ill Detroit #~# DETROIT—Pledging to do all he can for the sickly metropolis, Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder reportedly promised Detroit, a city with a debilitating terminal condition, that the next home run he hits will be for the brave Michigan town, sources confirmed Thursday. “You’ve been a real champ these last few months, little bud, so I’m gonna hit one out of the ballpark just for you,” said Fielder, who admitted that it broke his heart to know the ailing city didn’t have much time left. “You keep watching me up there on the TV screen, okay? You’re so strong. I just need you to hold on a little bit longer.” At press time, sources confirmed Detroit was eagerly watching Fielder and cheering for the five-time All-Star even as its vital infrastructure started to give out.
Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied #~# APPLETON, WI—Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening. “When Bill called me ‘limp dick’ and punched my shoulder, I wasn’t sure if he was insulting me or just being friendly, but everyone else was smiling and laughing, so I smiled back,” said Chambliss, adding that he has also been called “fucker” several times, which feels like bullying even though the whole group seems to be referring to one another as “fucker.” “I wish I could figure out whether I’m being included or excluded. When Jeff burped loudly in my ear while I was playing pinball, I was torn between storming off angrily and buying the next round. And when they asked how my ‘piece of ass’ was doing, I couldn’t tell if they were trying to compliment my wife or were just being degrading.” At press time, the group was reportedly exiting the bar as one of Chambliss’ coworkers said, “See you next time, pussy,” leaving him to wonder whether they actually wanted to hang out with him again or were just being sarcastic.
Retiring NFL Player Announces Plans To Go Bankrupt, Shoot Self Within 5 Years #~# ST. LOUIS—After an 11-year NFL career, a Rams nose tackle officially announced his retirement from pro football at a press conference Friday, telling reporters that over the next five years he intends to lose all of his money and eventually shoot himself.
Old Faithful Brutally Beaten To Death By Group Of Teens #~# TETON COUNTY, WY—Rangers at Yellowstone National Park confirmed the death of famed geyser Old Faithful this morning, hours after it was severely beaten by a gang of teenaged males who, according to investigators, “appeared to have simply been bored.” “Our security footage shows six young men approaching Old Faithful just before midnight and then kicking and punching the geyser directly in the spout,” said National Park Service director Jonathan Jarvis, adding that the teenagers had been loitering in the area about an hour before they began circling around the geothermal formation and shouting taunts at it. “It appears Old Faithful attempted to spray them off, but it can only erupt every 90 minutes or so and, in any event, was outnumbered. At present we are unsure whether this was a thrill-killing or the result of a dispute between the parties involved.” The White House confirmed President Obama has responded by ordering heightened security around all U.S. national treasures, including Yosemite Falls, Glacier National Park, Tony Bennett, and the Grand Canyon.
Deceitful Woman Deviously Alters Appearance To Give Illusion Of Youth, Fertility #~# TERRE HAUTE, IN—Saying that the duplicitous local woman employs a variety of devious ruses to achieve a false impression of youth and fertility, sources confirmed today that Michelle Guerrero, 45, routinely changes her appearance to simulate a far higher and more robust egg count than her biological age implies. “I love how this powder foundation evens out my skin tone without being too heavy,” said the woman who blasphemes nature daily by underhandedly modifying the tone of her complexion and luster of her hair with an array of ointments, gels, and lotions shrewdly designed to impart an artificial bloom of youth to her aging, depleted body. “It looks natural and stays on all day, so I don’t have to worry about touching it up at work. And there’s a built-in SPF, so that’s another plus.” At press time, the crafty sorceress was applying a tinted chapstick to her lips in a bald, desperate attempt to simulate the flush of orgasm so as to attract a mate.
Area Man’s Intelligence Probably Just Too Intimidating For Most Women #~# MILWAUKEE—Describing his mind as both “a blessing and a curse,” local man Benjamin Walker, 27, told reporters Thursday that his intellect was probably just too intimidating for most women to engage with romantically.
Britney Spears To Have Own Las Vegas Show #~# Pop star Britney Spears announced that she will begin a two-year residency at the Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas on December 27, performing the show “Britney: Piece of Me” 50 times each in 2014 and 2015. What do you think?
Starbucks Asks Customers Not To Carry Guns #~# Reversing the company’s previous tolerance toward firearms, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he “respectfully requests” that all of the coffee chain’s patrons leave their guns at home or in their cars and not bring them into any Starbucks location. What do you think?
SI Investigation Reveals Oklahoma State An Awesome Place To Play Football #~# STILLWATER, OK—A shocking investigation published in this week’s Sports Illustrated shed light on Oklahoma State University’s alleged practice of plying its football players with sex, drugs, academic assistance, and cash payments in violation of NCAA rules, revealing that the college is an absolutely awesome place to play football. “We found by enabling recreational drug use, encouraging recruits to sign by offering free sex, and paying some players over $10,000 annually that OSU is a totally kickass place to play football,” said Sports Illustrated writer Thayer Evans, adding that the “amazing” Division I football program from 2000 to 2011 routinely provided “lucky-as-hell” athletes with “incredibly cool” illegal perks. “After discovering the typical OSU football player gets access to an unending supply of sex, drugs, and free money, all while the school provides a tutor to do your homework for you, only one thought came to my mind: ‘Ride ’em Cowboys!’” At press time, every single one of the nation’s top 300 high school football recruits had committed to OSU.
Obama Meets With Nation’s Schizophrenic Voices To Urge Less Violence #~# WASHINGTON—With the nation still reeling from Monday’s mass shooting inside the Washington Navy Yard, President Barack Obama held a bilateral meeting with the country’s schizophrenic voices earlier today, urging the disembodied auditory hallucinations to join him in helping to reduce violence.
Liquor Commercial Featuring Dance Party On Pirate Ship Also Includes Important Message About Responsibility #~# NEW YORK—According to sources, a recently aired TV ad featuring dozens of rum-guzzling pirates swinging on ropes while dancing with scantily clad women to Caribbean steel-drum music also included a voice-over narration urging viewers to use caution while consuming alcohol. “Please drink responsibly,” said the ad’s narrator, just seconds after a group of boisterous, maniacally laughing pirates sang a sea chanty and hoisted brimming mugs of alcohol while firing every one of the ship’s deck cannons. According to sources, the ad was followed by a commercial in which a child drizzles frosting on a toaster strudel while a narrator says, “part of a balanced breakfast.”
I’m Just A Free Spirit Who Is Entirely Financially Dependent On Others #~# I’m a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of guy. I like to hit the open road, go where the wind takes me, and approach every day as an opportunity to strike out on a new adventure. I live life with the attitude that whatever happens happens, and as long as I’ve got air in my lungs, a spring in my step, and someone else’s money in my bank account, I’m good to go.
Grandmother Shown Around Retirement Home Where She Will Die #~# GLENWOOD SPRINGS, CO—Walking hand-in-hand with her adult daughter as they passed through several carpeted corridors and brightly lit common rooms, 86-year-old Bonnie Tellinder listened politely Sunday as a staff member gave her a guided tour of Esplanade Village, the retirement home in which she will grow increasingly frail and die.
Enjoyment Of Steve Miller Band’s ‘Jungle Love’ Last Piece Of Common Ground In America #~# WASHINGTON—Amidst a nation eternally divided on matters relating to politics, social issues, and foreign affairs, sources confirmed Thursday that the collective enjoyment of the hit 1977 Steve Miller Band single “Jungle Love” remains the last and, at press time, only piece of common ground shared by the American populace. “While citizens nationwide have yet to reach anything approaching a consensus in regard to a vast majority of the issues ranging from education to energy solutions to health care reform, we have found—time and time again—that a mutual appreciation for the popular song ‘Jungle Love’ is the sole shared trait of all 315 million American men, women, and children,” said Pew Research Center senior director Kenneth Harding, pointing to survey evidence showing that even those Americans with sharply divergent views on nearly every subject would be able to reach a quick and emphatic agreement over the Lonnie Turner– and Greg Douglass–penned riff-based rocker. “We are fiercely, at times violently divided people. However, when it comes to ‘Jungle Love,’ the crunchy guitar riffs, tight drumming, and exuberant hook of this killer ’70s AM radio favorite are something that we can all get behind.” Harding added that, among the countless topics of fierce debate currently facing the American people, the most passionate unquestionably pertains to whether “Jet Airliner” or “Swingtown” is the second-best cut on the Book Of Dreams album.
New Study Finds Americans Scoot Over At Least 10 Miles Per Year #~# WASHINGTON—A new study published Wednesday by the Department of Transportation reveals that the average U.S. resident travels some 10 miles annually solely through the act of scooting over to make room for another person. “Between park benches, bleachers, backseats, and various other types of shared, communal seating, the typical American scoots nearly a mile a month,” said Department Secretary Anthony Foxx, who added that, taken all together, a lifetime’s worth of scooting over, sliding over, scooching, and “making a bit more room” would equal the distance from the nation’s capital to Orlando, FL. “The statistics are even higher in the South, where picnic season is longer. And if you count instances of scooting over, seeing the other person has already found a place, and then scooting back, many Americans travel farther by scooting than they do by motor vehicle.” The study’s methodology has come under fire from critics who argue it should have also counted situations in which sitters must move their chair over to make room for someone who already has their own chair.
Tough Season - Week One Panic - Ep. 3 #~# After a tough week one loss, Brad desperately tries to trade his entire team away. Larry Fitzgerald gives Alfred Morris some sage advice.
‘GTA V’ A Sophisticated Gaming Experience, Says Man Who Spent 3 Hours Running Over Homeless People With Fire Truck #~# DAYTON, OH—Calling the latest installment of the video game franchise “complex” and “highly nuanced,” local man Kevin Mitchell, who just spent the past 3 hours brutally driving over homeless characters with a stolen fire truck, confirmed Tuesday that Grand Theft Auto V provides a deeply sophisticated gaming experience. “The narrative is dynamic and multilayered, the characterizations are brilliantly assured, and the vast open-world experience creates a style of play that is both revolutionary in design and intellectually stimulating,” Mitchell told reporters, moments before making his in-game character block traffic with a bus to create a 10-car pileup in the middle of the street, toss grenades at unsuspecting pedestrians while standing on top of an ambulance, and jump off a building into the spinning blades of a helicopter. “And nowhere is GTA V more groundbreaking than when it is deftly skewering the vices and follies of contemporary culture with its razor-sharp social commentary.” At press time, Mitchell was remarking on the game’s “stunningly inventive storycraft” while repeatedly kicking a Los Santos resident until blood pooled around their lifeless body.
Desperate Nation Tries Getting On Board With Mass Shootings #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of numerous public shooting sprees that have left nearly 90 dead and countless injured, desperate Americans across the country are, in a clear last-ditch effort, attempting to get on board with mass shootings, sources confirmed.
‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Released #~# The highly anticipated new installment of the popular Grand Theft Auto series, rumored to be the most expensive video game ever made, went on sale today. What do you think?
Teen Wastes Prime Childbearing Years Going To High School #~# REDDING, CA—Though now in the stage of her life when her body is at its most fertile, local teenager Katie Stevens is evidently choosing to squander her peak childbearing years by devoting herself to obtaining a high school education, sources confirmed Tuesday.
Company More Like Family Whose Members Are Desperate To Join Better Family #~# MANCHESTER, NH—Saying that it represents more than just a 9-to-5 to them, employees at Proteus Commercial Logistics told reporters Tuesday that the company they work for is more like a big family whose members are frantically trying to join a better family. “With a lot of jobs, it’s nothing more than a paycheck, but this place is really a family where everyone desperately wants to leave so they can make more money and get ahead in their careers with a far superior family,” said junior sales associate Omar Castillo, 31, noting that he thinks of his coworkers not simply as colleagues but as relatives whom he would swiftly abandon at a moment’s notice should the chance to have more impressive relatives present itself. “We really are all like family here, until such a time, of course, as I meet a new family in a bigger, better city who will provide me with a superior benefits package.” When reached for comment, Proteus CEO Bernard Dixon said that he himself sees his employees like his children whom he wouldn't hesitate to fire should cheaper, less entitled children be made available.
12-Year-Old Hispanic Boy Not Sure If He’s Supposed To Be Looking Up To Marco Rubio #~# CLEVELAND—While recognizing that he and the junior senator from Florida share a similar ethnic background, 12-year-old Hispanic boy Damon Aguilar admitted to reporters Tuesday that he doesn’t really know whether he’s supposed to be looking up to Marco Rubio or not. “I don’t know, should I try to be like Marco Rubio when I grow up? Is he the model I should be aspiring to?” said Aguilar, adding that Rubio may look like he does, but only when compared to all the other members of the U.S. Senate. “I guess he’s given some pretty big speeches, but I don’t know if I’m supposed to be impressed with that or what. It’s not as if my parents or teachers have ever told me, ‘Hey, if you work really hard, maybe someday you could be the next Marco Rubio.’” Aguilar later told reporters that as far as role models go, Hispanic-looking Miami Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra would probably be a far safer pick.
Pope Francis’ Plans For Modernizing The Catholic Church #~# Pope Francis has made efforts to modernize the Catholic Church by embracing technology, saying that he would not judge homosexuals, and considering the removal of celibacy as a requirement of the priesthood. Here are some of the other progressive reforms the pope is considering:
Study: Zero People Have Led Satisfying Lives After Altering Original Career Plans, Aspirations #~# WASHINGTON—A report out Monday from the Labor Department has found that of the millions of American adults who have switched jobs in search of a new career, not a single one has ever experienced a higher quality of life or greater levels of overall satisfaction. “Our results show that exactly zero people in the workforce have benefited from examining their original goals in life, deciding happiness lies elsewhere, and risking a new career,” read the report, compiled from an exhaustive study of every person employed in the United States since record-keeping began in 1888. “According to our evidence, if you aspire your whole life to become an attorney, spend a decade practicing law, and then quit to start your own business or pursue some other profession, you will be completely miserable. Even if your new line of work pays significantly more, you will still feel an overwhelming lack of fulfillment and regret making the change. Our report concludes that all citizens should cling to their current station in life, however unpleasant they find it.” The study also found that 80 percent of Americans who don’t fulfill their career goals by age 5 remain crestfallen for the rest of their lives.
Study: Holy Water Unsafe, Full Of Bacteria #~# Austrian scientists tested holy water from 39 sources and found that all samples contained high levels of bacteria and would be unsafe to drink, with 86 percent of sources contaminated with bacteria common in fecal matter and many samples containing traces of fertilizer. What do you think?
20% Of High School Seniors Binge Drink #~# A new study found that one in five high school seniors binge drinks, which is defined as drinking five or more alcoholic beverages in a row, while one in 10 engaged in extreme binge drinking, in which they consumed more than 10 drinks in a row. What do you think?
Report: Several NFL Teams Interested In Tim Tebow As Grounds Crew Worker #~# NEW YORK—Sources confirmed Monday that at least six NFL franchises have expressed serious interest in quarterback Tim Tebow as a grounds crew worker, claiming that the former Florida Gators star would be a perfect fit for their field maintenance team. “From a purely physical standpoint, Tebow has the size, strength, and agility for turf management, snow removal, or lifting 50 pounds of mulch,” said Kansas City Chiefs general manager John Dorsey, who expressed concerns about whether Tebow possessed the mental makeup to handle the stresses of mowing at a professional level. “Tim certainly has the skills to unload equipment, water grass, and organize and clean the storage areas, but he’s a little sloppy. We would be willing to take a chance on him for the league minimum, of course. However, if he wants insurance, he needs to put in 40 hours a week.” Tebow has reportedly stated that he wants to paint the lines on the field, but all the interested NFL teams agreed that the 26-year-old was not yet ready for such a challenging task.
New Features Of ‘Grand Theft Auto V’ #~# The latest installment of the Grand Theft Auto video game series launches Tuesday. Here are a few of the new features gamers can look forward to: 
Study Finds Leading Cause Of Depression Hearing Words ‘2016 Frontrunners’ #~# BETHESDA, MD—A groundbreaking psychiatric study released Monday indicates that hearing the words “2016 frontrunners” is currently the leading cause of chronic depression in the United States. “As our research shows, the vast majority of major depressive disorders arise instantly after the words ‘2016 frontrunners’ are uttered in any context, with most cases developing mere seconds after the words are heard and processed,” said National Institute of Mental Health director and study author Dr. Thomas Insel, pointing to thousands of test subjects who sank into an acute and irretrievable state of melancholy upon being exposed to any reference to the impending U.S. presidential race and its candidates. “Time and time again, we found that even the most buoyant and carefree of individuals would, upon hearing this reminder of the 2016 election, immediately plunge into an abject state of sadness, anxiety, decreased energy, and overwhelming despair, with their symptoms only amplifying as the phrase was repeated. Truly, these two simple words are capable of wreaking absolute havoc on the human mind.” Insel added that despite its destabilizing effects, the expression is nowhere near as devastating to one’s mental well-being as the highly corrosive words “primary season,” which were reportedly responsible for more than 80,000 suicides in 2012 alone.
Indian-American Miss America Attacked On Twitter #~# Nina Davuluri, an Indian-American from New York, was crowned Miss America last night, becoming the pageant’s first-ever winner of Asian descent and prompting a flood of racist tweets, including many that erroneously called her a Muslim. What do you think?
Local Applebee's Removes Photo Of Underperforming Pop Warner Team #~# BOISE, ID—Taking the group portrait down from the eatery’s wall, local Applebee’s manager Gus Piedmont announced Friday that the restaurant was rescinding their sponsorship of the Panthers Pop Warner football team, claiming that the “pathetic” 0-3 start was not up to the establishment’s standards. “They’re not cutting it anymore, so they’re gone,” said Piedmont, adding that the group of 8-year-old football players was “just stinking up the field.” “It’d be one thing if they just lost, but they got killed by Bates Auto Repair. We don’t want those failures inside this restaurant. We’re sorry, but Applebee’s can’t be associated with a bunch of duds.” Panthers coach Mitch Goodman said that losing Applebee’s was “no big deal,” acknowledging that he had made inroads with the local Dairy Queen, an establishment his team reportedly prefers to patronize after games anyway.
Location Of Newest Mass Shooting Revealed #~# It’s A Navy Yard, Authorities Confirm
TV Showdown Expected As ‘Sleepy Hollow’ Debuts Tonight Against HBO’s ‘Ichabod,’ TNT’s ‘Headless Horseman,’ Showtime’s ‘Cloaked Rider’ #~# LOS ANGELES—In what critics are calling a hotly anticipated television “showdown,” Monday night will see the debuts of four separate adaptations of Washington Irving’s 1820 short story “The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow,” including Fox’s Sleepy Hollow, HBO’s Ichabod, TNT’s Headless Horseman, and Showtime’s Cloaked Rider. “Fans of gothic melodrama and classic Americana have their pick of the litter tonight, but only time will tell if they flock to the gritty realism of David Milch’s Ichabod or TNT’s sci-fi depiction of Sleepy Hollow as a futuristic, crime-ridden metropolis,” said Los Angeles Times television critic Mary McNamara of the litany of shows that all followed last year’s release of the BBC drama Mr. Crane. “On the other hand, many viewers could find themselves drawn to Showtime’s Cloaked Rider, starring Toni Collette as the first-ever female Headless Horseman. Only time will tell which show will come out on top.” McNamara noted that all four shows could lose a significant amount of viewers to NBC’s Young Van Winkle, debuting tonight in the same time slot.
NFL Week Two Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the second week of the NFL season:
250-Pound Man Sadly In Best Shape Of His Life #~# ORLANDO, FL—Stating that he has shed nearly 10 percent of his body weight this year and is now down to 250 pounds, local 36-year-old Michael Peters sadly revealed Monday that he is in the best shape of his life. “Man, I feel great!” said the still-obese man, whose health, depressingly enough, has reached an all-time peak, leaving him at high risk for heart disease, Type 2 diabetes, and many other serious conditions. “I’ve dropped 25 pounds, and for the first time in my adult life I’m wearing pants with a 46-inch waist. I’m back down to my college weight!” At press time, Peters was reportedly sweating.
Voyager 1 Leaves Solar System #~# NASA announced that its Voyager 1 space probe, which was launched in 1977, officially left our solar system over a year ago, becoming the first man-made object to enter interstellar space. What do you think?
Luther Conover and Patricia Das #~# Luther Conover and Patricia Das had one of those really creepy weddings where they take the garter off all sexy.
Keys To The Matchup: Eli Manning vs. Peyton Manning #~# With Peyton battling Eli this week, Onion Sports examines the greatest conflict of all: Manning vs. Manning. Here’s what each brother must do to win.
Out That Innie! #~# Fox
Bold Employee Just Watching Videos During Meeting With Sound On #~# PHILADELPHIA—Showing reportedly no signs whatsoever of fear, restraint, or apprehension, sources confirmed today bold local graphic designer Dan Perrett was just watching videos on his laptop, with the sound on and everything, during a 1 p.m. board meeting. “Ha,” Perrett reportedly chuckled to himself, confidently and unabashedly, before raising the volume on a YouTube video titled “Man wipes out on scooter,” right there in the middle of a telephone conference with corporate. “That’s hilarious.” According to sources, Perrett then loudly called for a coworker in the next room to “come check this out.”
J.K. Rowling Writing ‘Harry Potter’ Spinoff Film #~# Warner Brothers reached a partnership deal with J.K. Rowling to write a series of films based on the Hogwarts textbook Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them that appeared in her Harry Potter series of books and films. What do you think?
Tony Romo Confident Bruised Ribs Won’t Hurt His Performance In Upcoming Ballet Recital #~# DALLAS—Despite suffering several bruised ribs during last weekend’s 36-31 victory over the New York Giants, Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo told reporters Friday that the injury will in no way hinder his performance in an upcoming recital of Pyotr Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake. “I might not be 100 percent by the opening scene, but it shouldn’t affect my pirouetting motion at all, or my ability to plié and hit a grand jeté at full speed,” said Romo, adding that while he has experienced some soreness in recent days, any discomfort will “absolutely not” diminish his role as Odette, Queen of the Swans. “Look, these things happen during ballet season. It’s been feeling better during rehearsal, so I’ll definitely be out there for all four acts this Saturday night. Sometimes you have to just dance through the pain, because at the end of the day, it’s all about the ensemble.” Romo did confirm, however, that he plans to wear a brace underneath his bodice to protect his ribcage while being lifted into the air.
Mother Feels Violent Desire To Make Front Doorway Reflect Current Season #~# LANSING, IA—Describing it as “a raging desire over which [she] has absolutely no physical or psychological control,” local mother Sandra Bedo told reporters today that she regularly experiences an intense, violent compulsion to festoon her home’s front doorway in decorations that reflect the visual traditions of the current season.“God damn it, I need dry corn stalks now—where are the dry corn stalks?” the 46-year-old mother of three said with a pinecone between her teeth, frantically stringing miniature gourds along twine for a harvest garland. “October is almost here and I need a fucking cornucopia of berries and Indian corn to go at the base of the door next to the pumpkin cluster with the paper cutout of the scarecrow that will look darling leaning against the foliage wreath. Son of a bitch, this feels good! I feel alive!” At press time, Bedo—who claimed to be “propelled by a force far larger and more powerful” than herself—was physically shaking as she purchased a doormat with a cartoon pilgrim on it at a local craft store.
Completely Unrealistic TV Character Has Complex, Multifaceted Personality #~# NEW YORK—According to a number of prominent television critics nationwide, the HBO series Boardwalk Empire stretches belief to the breaking point by featuring an incredibly implausible main character who is a complex human being with a layered, ambiguous, and nuanced personality. “I honestly want to like Nucky, the main character, but it’s frankly really hard to swallow this super unrealistic fantasy universe where human beings act with purpose, have complicated thoughts and opinions, are motivated by coherent desires, and are more than just superficial, mindless stereotypes,” wrote Washington Post TV critic Hank Stuever in a recent column, adding that while individuals in the real world drift thoughtlessly through their entire unexamined lives, the show’s incredibly far-fetched protagonist seemed to have a deep inner life, an actual original point of view, and a sense of moral conflict. “The whole premise that there are people out there with a full, expressive range of emotions, and a worldview that is willing to see things in more shades than simply black and white, is just completely preposterous. I mean, do the writers seriously expect us to buy this nonsense?” Stuever conceded, however, that he found the show’s depiction of a bleak, inhospitable universe “just about right on the money.”
NASA: Voyager-1 Has Officially Carried Remains Of Joan Crawford Outside Solar System #~# WASHINGTON—Hailing the achievement as a monumental one for both the space program and humanity as a whole, NASA officials announced Friday that the Voyager 1 probe, first launched in 1977, has entered interstellar space with the remains of late actress Joan Crawford. “The Voyager 1’s plasma-wave antennas recently picked up two significant electron oscillations, leading us to the thrilling discovery that Joan Crawford’s body had crossed the threshold into the interstellar medium sometime around August 25, 2012,” said Voyager project scientist and plasma physicist Don Gurnett, adding that upon completing its primary mission to take the late star of Mildred Pierce as far as Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune in 1989, the spacecraft then continued flying toward the edge of the heliosphere. “When Ms. Crawford was first placed inside the Voyager 1 hatch and launched into space 36 years ago, this was just a far-off dream. To see it become scientific reality is truly overwhelming.” NASA confirmed that scientists have also maintained contact with the Voyager 1’s sister craft, the Voyager 2, which is expected to reach the Kuiper Belt and then jettison the body of singer Bing Crosby within the next several years.
Department Of Agriculture Locates Perfect Goat #~# SPRINGFIELD, MO—Citing the animal’s ideal physical features and archetypally frisky behavior, Department of Agriculture officials announced at a press conference Thursday that the agency had successfully located the perfect goat. “As you can see from the proportion of his legs to his body, his flawless, glossy brown hair, and the way he chews grass with his jaw moving back and forth at an ideal rate of 40 times per minute, we have finally found the perfect goat,” said Deputy Secretary of Agriculture Krysta Harden, while admiring the animal’s perfect horns, perfect ears, and perfect hooves. “The sounds he makes are not too loud and not too soft. They are superb bleats.” At press time, Harden reportedly observed the goat limping slightly and vowed to double efforts to track down an impeccable cashmere goat allegedly residing in the Iowa countryside.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News #~# CALDWELL, ID—Calling it a vital part of his daily routine, local man and utterly depraved masochist Richard Petrillo revealed to reporters Friday that he enjoys keeping up with the news.
Carrie Underwood Releases Complex, Multi-Part Prog Rock–Inspired ‘Sunday Night Football’ Theme Song #~# NEW YORK—Providing a unique interpretation of the weekly game broadcast’s iconic introductory music, country singer Carrie Underwood earlier this week debuted her own version of “Waiting All Day For Sunday Night,” a sprawling, multi-part progressive rock–inspired take on the NBC Sunday Night Football theme.
Study: Men With Smaller Gonads Are Better Dads #~# Researchers at Emory University found that men with smaller testicles were more involved fathers and helped to a greater extent with parenting duties than men with large testicles. What do you think?
Saved By The Liberty Bell #~# NBC
Christ Reluctantly Enters Area Man’s Heart #~# OLATHE, KS—Despite numerous reservations and misgivings He harbored about the 33-year-old mortgage broker, Jesus Christ, the Son of God and Our Holy Savior, reportedly entered the heart of Derek Moehr on Wednesday, reluctantly illuminating the local man with His divine grace.
Jefferson Starship Memorial Reopens On National Mall #~# WASHINGTON—The National Park Service officially reopened the Jefferson Starship Memorial to the public Thursday, following nearly four months of routine repairs to the neoclassical marble structure honoring the historic American rock group. “This is my favorite memorial—it’s a beautiful, special place for citizens to come and reflect on the legacy of Jefferson Starship and all the contributions this one remarkable band made to our nation, from Red Octopus to Nuclear Furniture,” said visibly moved visitor Carrie Asher, 53, while admiring the 19-foot bronze statue of the legendary founding members of the band captured in the midst of a searing, prog-tinged jam. “Whenever I need reassurance or inspiration, all I have to do is look up at the immortal words etched into these walls, which Jefferson Starship penned so many years ago. The bronze plaque inscribed with the historic chorus of ‘Miracles’ is just so stirring. It always brings a tear to my eye.” The National Park Service noted that the Jefferson Starship Memorial is one of its most popular monuments, drawing upwards of 2.5 million visitors per year, a total exceeded only by the 6 million tourists who annually visit the National Gallery of Art Garfunkel.
College Freshman Honors Dead Roommate’s Memory By Solemnly Eating All His Food #~# CLEMSON, SC—Following the tragic death of Clemson University sophomore Ben Pruett, surviving roommate Ryan Greene decided to honor the deceased student’s memory Thursday by solemnly eating all of his perishable foods. “This is a sad day,” said Greene while slowly opening Pruett’s peanut butter and making a sandwich with his late friend’s bread. “It’s crazy to think that just three days ago he was hanging out eating this Honeycomb cereal and drinking this Diet Mountain Dew, but now Ben’s gone forever. I’m really going to miss him.” As of press time, Greene was morosely moving his roommate’s printer paper, scissors, and pencils to his own desk.
Report: Gap Wider Than Ever Between Ultra-Rich And Reality #~# PHILADELPHIA—A report released Wednesday by economists at the University of Pennsylvania confirmed that the already massive gap between the world’s ultra-rich and reality is now at historic levels and only continues growing wider each year. “While there has always existed a large, some say unbridgeable divide between those making over $30 million a year and the basic realities of everyday life that exist, have existed, and will continue to exist for the vast majority of lifeforms in the known universe, that divide appears to have grown even more vast within the past few years,” said lead researcher Brian Dalton, explaining that the gulf separating multimillionaires from common, typically pervasive actualities such as financial hardship, spending limitations, hunger, want, doubt, discomfort of any kind, and consequences for their actions is now the largest since 1985. “Despite efforts from international organizations in every country across the world, wealthy businessmen continue drifting further and further apart from any semblance of reality, and within the next decade we will likely find that this gap has become truly insurmountable.” Researchers also stated, however, that the gap between the ultra-rich and utter delusion remains nearly nonexistent.
First Lady Urges Americans To Drink More Water #~# Noting that 4 in 10 Americans drink less than half the recommended amount of water per day, Michelle Obama kicked off her new Drink Up initiative, launching the hashtag #DrinkH2O and a new website, youarewhatyoudrink.org, to help spread her message. What do you think?
Report: Some Small Town Enjoying Last Days Of Anonymity Before Harrowing Tragedy #~# SOME SLEEPY LITTLE TOWN IN THE MIDWEST SOMEWHERE—Waking this morning without fresh memories of pain and suffering, national media attention, or ongoing services in memory of the victims, some no-name little American town is currently enjoying its last precious moments of anonymity before experiencing a devastating and unimaginable tragedy, sources confirmed today. “Hi, how are you guys?” a smiling local man reportedly remarked to a pair of neighbors as he walked to his job this morning, completely unaware that in a short matter of days, the tear-streaked faces of everyone he knows and works with will appear on television screens across the county in the aftermath of a senseless act of violence, most likely a shooting, or a kidnapping, or a home invasion, or an act of domestic terror, or something else too wrenching and awful to even describe. “That’s good. You guys have a good one, all right?” At press time, we should all just let them enjoy it, these last few moments of innocence and serenity, before it’s all gone, all of it, lost forever in a sea of evil and grief.
Troy Polamalu Lands On Injured Reserve After Feebleminded Ben Roethlisberger Accidentally Breaks His Neck #~# PITTSBURGH—Steelers officials confirmed Thursday that strong safety Troy Polamalu has been placed on injured reserve with a broken neck following an unfortunate incident in the team barn involving dim-witted quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. “Oh no, I done a bad, bad thing,” said the hulking simpleton and two-time Pro Bowler, who reportedly furrowed his brow attempting to comprehend the situation as Polamalu remained face-down and motionless on the bed of straw. “I just wanted to touch his soft, pretty hair, that’s all. I didn’t mean to hurt him none, honest. Aw, I gonna get hell now.” At press time, Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin was reportedly speaking to Roethlisberger about the team’s bright future while pointing a Luger pistol at back of the feebleminded quarterback’s head.
Couple Thoughtfully Puts Up Wedding Website For Friends To Mock #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Newly engaged couple Tom Kerry and Jessica Tompkins unveiled their wedding website on Tuesday, helpfully posting the page online for the benefit of guests attending the upcoming October nuptials to mock, ridicule, and repeatedly insult, sources report.
Josh Martin and Tanya Booker #~# Josh Martin and Tanya Booker were married on the Sunday before Labor Day in a beautiful ceremony that wasted their families’ and friends’ entire three-day weekend.
HIV Outbreak Shuts Down Porn Industry #~# Four adult film performers have tested positive for HIV since July, prompting California’s pornographic video producers to temporarily cease production, and spurring further calls from AIDS advocates to make condoms mandatory in adult films. What do you think?
Study Finds 80 Percent Of Facial Hair Being Silently Judged At Any One Time #~# PRINCETON, NJ—A groundbreaking study released this week by Princeton University discovered that one’s facial hair is under constant, silent scrutiny by friends, acquaintances, and potential lovers. “We found that 65 percent of the time, people will completely write off another individual if their facial hair isn’t well kempt,” said lead researcher Henry Miles, adding that facial-hair scrutiny is 40 percent higher at social functions, such as parties, weddings, and family gatherings. “Moreover, our data indicates that, 75 percent of the time, when one individual looks at another, the first thought that goes through his or her head is, ‘Does this person know the right level of stubble for his facial structure and overall build?’” The study advised those men wishing to avoid their peers’ harsh judgment to go out and buy 450,000 Philips Norelco Click & Style razors immediately.
U.S. Income Inequality Widest Since 1928 #~# Last year, the nation’s wealthiest 1 percent took in the largest share of U.S. household income since the eve of the Great Depression in 1928, with their incomes rising 20 percent during 2012, compared to a 1 percent annual increase in income for the remaining 99 percent of the population. What do you think?
Marketing Department Under Impression Keebler Elves A Beloved Part Of American Culture #~# BATTLE CREEK, MI—Recent reports surfacing from within the Kellogg’s corporation suggest that the baked goods company’s marketing department labors under the apparent belief that the Keebler Elves are a beloved fixture in American popular culture. “Look, America loves, has always loved, and will always love Ernie Keebler, Fryer Tuck, Zoot, and the rest of the Keebler Elves, and so we have a responsibility—and I believe it is a sacred responsibility—to create marketing materials that appropriately honor and respect these deeply cherished characters,” said Kellogg’s Senior Vice President of Customer Marketing Darcey Macken, adding that for over 45 years the characters have been a mainstay of the American experience, as recognized and as treasured nationwide as apple pie, baseball, and Mickey Mouse. “And it is precisely because the Elves are such iconic figures that we must carefully vet each scenario we place them in to maintain continuity and, more importantly, to ensure that we are remaining faithful to the original, singularly winning personas that captured the country’s hearts and minds so many years ago. A love for the Elves is one of the first things Americans pass on to their children, and so for us it should be far less a burden than a great honor to preserve that legacy.” At press time, the Kellogg’s marketing department was drafting a request to the U.S. Postal Service to create a commemorative stamp featuring the Keebler Elves in front of their Hollow Tree Factory.
Man Looking Up At Tall Building Thinking About, You Know #~# CHICAGO—Sources confirmed that while looking up at a skyscraper during his lunch break today, 29-year-old Kevin Nocera briefly thought about, well, you know. According to reports, Nocera’s gaze remained fixated on the top of the building as a flood of images from—um, yeah—raced through his head. Sources indicated that upon seeing a commercial airliner seemingly fly past the skyscraper, he briefly imagined exactly what you assume he imagined. At press time, Nocera reportedly sighed, shook his head, and went about the rest of his day.
Rudy Giuliani Suddenly Realizes He’s Been Grinning During Entire 9/11 Ceremony #~# NEW YORK—While standing among the somber attendees who were gathered in lower Manhattan this morning to commemorate the 12th anniversary of the September 11 attacks, sources confirmed former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani briefly panicked after suddenly realizing he had been smiling widely throughout the entire ceremony. “Oh, Jesus, has my face been like this the entire time?” Giuliani reportedly said under his breath while stifling his large grin as the names of the victims were read out loud to friends and relatives convened at the National September 11 Memorial. “I think I’ve been smiling through at least 1,000 names or so. All right, Rudy. Just look extra somber for the rest of this thing and you’ll be fine. Remember: sad. Really sad.” While a children’s choir solemnly sang the national anthem, the former mayor once again caught himself beaming from ear to ear after remembering himself being cheered at Yankee Stadium.
Americans Experiencing Slightly Different Kind Of Numbness Today #~# NEW YORK—Noting that it feels clearly distinct from the type of generalized, aching malaise and sadness that constitutes their usual day-to-day existence, Americans nationwide reported feeling a somewhat different sense of spiritual numbness today, one characterized by an acute melancholy, a more localized feeling of emptiness, and a helpless inability to alter the course of the past 12 years of history. “Typically, as I go through my daily routine, the emotional paralysis I feel is more like a dull, non-specific pain that pervades the very essence of my being—a pained voice, if you will, that wants to scream but can’t—but today it’s more like a profoundly longing, grieving kind of numb,” 35-year-old Ohio resident William Bryant told reporters, echoing the sentiments of all 315 million Americans, who say their daily sense of grief and spiritual exhaustion usually “just sort of hangs there in the background, but felt more specifically and immediately miserable today.” “When I woke up this morning, I felt utterly alone and shattered, just as I always do, but there was a little added something in the mix this time—horror, maybe? A sense of unmollified anguish over a tragic event that can never be erased or even truly comprehended? I don’t know, something like that. It felt shitty, I know that much.” Americans went on to confirm that while today’s unique variety of emotional numbness was certainly no better than any other day’s, at the very least it changed things up a little.
Billboard Alerts Drivers To Existence Of Situational Comedy Starring Stand-Up Comedian Jerry Seinfeld #~# CHICAGO—City commuters reported a mixture of surprise and excitement this weekend after passing a billboard informing them of the existence of a situational comedy titled Seinfeld, which evidently stars stand-up comedian Jerry Seinfeld.
Jets Fans, Mark Sanchez Really Hoping Shoulder Injury Rules Him Out For Rest Of Season #~# FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Longing for some good news, Jets fans reportedly joined quarterback Mark Sanchez Wednesday in expressing hope that the shoulder injury Sanchez sustained during the preseason would sideline the fifth-year veteran for the remainder of the season. “Oh man, I sure hope he’s done for the year, maybe for good,” said 34-year-old Jets fan Lou Alameda, echoing Sanchez’s stated wish for a season- or career-ending diagnosis. “Well, he’s still seeking second opinions on it, so he probably won’t take a snap against the Pats this week. Thank God. If this could somehow knock him out of commission for the long haul, though—that would honestly be perfect.” At press time, renowned orthopedic surgeon Dr. James Andrews had released a statement saying he also hoped Sanchez would never play football again.
Mother Comes Pretty Close To Using Word ‘Streaming’ Correctly #~# PATERSON, NJ—Family sources told reporters Tuesday that local mother Karen Burkhart came fairly close to using the term “streaming” correctly during a recent conversation. “She likes that Orange Is The New Black show and told us that she started ‘stream-watching’ a couple of episodes,” said daughter Melanie Burkhart, who was reportedly surprised by her mother’s nearly accurate usage of the technical jargon. “I thought, wow, she actually got really close to the actual meaning of the word. She almost nailed it. And this is the woman who asked if the internet was as good as the online. It’s certainly the most precise she’s been in a long time.” At press time, Burkhart’s children decided to give it to her, claiming that she got close enough.
Lisa Hassell and Brian Morefield #~# Lisa Hassell and Brian Morefield were united in marriage Saturday in a tacky love-themed wedding.
U.S. 17th Happiest Country In World #~# According to the 2013 World Happiness Report released earlier this week, the United States is the seventeenth happiest country on the planet, ranking behind our neighbors Canada and Mexico, which came in sixth and sixteenth, respectively. What do you think?  
5 Seconds Of ‘Wild Wild West’ #~# TNT
Syria Says It Will Give Up Chemical Weapons #~# Accepting a plan put forth by Russia, the Syrian government has reportedly agreed to relinquish its stockpile of chemical weapons in an effort to avoid a military strike by the United States. What do you think?
Report: U.S. Exported 6 Billion Tons Of Crude Web Content Last Year #~# WASHINGTON—New data released by the Foreign Trade Division of the U.S. Census Bureau has found that the United States exported over 6 billion tons of crude web content last year, outpacing all other developed nations as the world’s largest producer of unrefined digital information. “What we’re seeing is a 15 to 20 percent yearly increase in crude web content production, which is the largest rise in annual output since the United States first started exporting unfiltered web content in the early 1990s,” the report read, noting a continued increase in raw U.S. web content and crude materials such as listicles, memes, YouTube videos made by 15-year-olds, GIFs of animals defecating, author Tucker Max’s personal website, girl-on-girl pornographic thumbnails, theCHIVE.com articles, and over 80 percent of all Facebook status updates. “Fortunately, new technology has made it cheaper and easier than ever to pump out billions of tons of crude web forum commentary, tweets, and other internet content per year, though with domestic consumption of such content rising, U.S.-based producers will have to increase output further if they want to meet the demand for new celebrity beach body slideshows and UFC fan pages.” The report added that though the United States is nearly 90 percent independent in crude web content production, it still imports millions and millions of tons of garbage from Japan each year.
Hey, Baby, I’m Terrified Of My Looming Mortality! #~# Whoa-ho-ho! Look at that piece of work coming up Fifth! Slow down, baby. Let me get a good look at you. Why don’t you try me on for size, huh? Check me out. I’m 200 pounds of pure solid man, I’m desperately lonely, and I’m fearful of the mortality that I, like every one of us, inevitably faces!
John Kerry Costs U.S. Defense Industry $400 Billion #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to initial reports that Syria may relinquish its stockpile of chemical weapons following Secretary of State John Kerry’s assertion that doing so would decrease the likelihood of American military strikes, representatives for the domestic defense industry complained to reporters Tuesday that the top-ranking diplomat may have cost them $400 billion in revenue. “We were ready to produce and sell tomahawk missiles, advanced combat systems, and more unmanned predator drones, but instead our Secretary of State had to run his big fat mouth about options for averting war, and now we’re out hundreds of billions of dollars,” said a visibly upset Lockheed Martin CEO Marillyn A. Hewson, who along with her fellow executives at Northrop Grumman, Raytheon, and General Dynamics complained that because the initial invasion would have more than likely led to a protracted, wide-ranging international conflict, Kerry might have even cost them trillions. “With thousands of new munitions and logistical support contracts, Syria would have been a goldmine for us. I swear to God, if this doesn’t work out John Kerry owes us half a trillion dollars.” Hewson added that it was some consolation that, with Kerry as the country’s chief foreign affairs liaison, he would “probably say something idiotic” in the near future that would lead to another lucrative international conflict.
Apple Unveils Panicked Man With No Ideas #~# CUPERTINO, CA—At a highly anticipated press event at its Silicon Valley headquarters Tuesday afternoon, tech giant Apple officially unveiled to the public a panicked and completely idea-free man.
Features Of The Lower-Cost iPhone 5C #~# In addition to unveiling the new flagship iPhone at a press event Wednesday, Apple CEO Tim Cook debuted a more affordable version of the device called the iPhone 5C, which is clad in a plastic casing and is available in a variety of colors. Here are some notable features of the budget-friendly iPhone:
Manager Slits Own Throat After Realizing Some Members Of Company Not On Same Page #~# PROVO, UT—Sources at area media company T-Net Solutions reported Thursday that manager Phil Harden slit his own throat from ear-to-ear after discovering he had neglected to loop in all of his employees, resulting in some of them not being entirely on the same page. “No! I’ve failed to keep an open line of communication throughout the office and make sure everyone’s up to speed!” the 37-year-old mid-level manager reportedly screamed shortly before grabbing a letter opener, slicing open his neck, and spraying blood across the faces of stunned employees. “Why the hell didn’t I do more to ensure that all the departments—from sales to human resources—were pulling in the same direction? I could have at least conducted a few team-building exercises to encourage more dynamic group interactions. Aaaaarrrggggghhhhhhhh!” At press time, sources confirmed a memo was circulated around the office in Harden’s honor, reminding the entire staff about “the importance of regular check-ins.”
Report: National Average Now 604 #~# WASHINGTON—According to the annual report released Monday by the Center for Global Statistics, the United States National Average reached 604 Monday, climbing up from 600 in the previous year. “While the data revealed that the U.S. National Average increased slightly in 2013, those numbers are still moderately lower than in the late 1990s when the USNA was at 615,”said Dr. Paul Lewison, the lead researcher who collected, analyzed, and interpreted the numerical information in the survey sample used to determine the National Average. “The National Average has certainly been known to fluctuate, so estimations that it could gain a point or two and reach the 605 or 606 range are not unwarranted. However, the USNA might conceivably drop down to somewhere between 602-603.” The report confirmed that over the last year China’s National Average had decreased by a half point to 782.5.
Scientists Discover World’s Largest Volcano #~# Scientists have discovered a 145-million-year-old inactive volcano about four miles below the surface of the Pacific Ocean that is roughly the size of New Mexico, making it the largest volcano on the planet. What do you think?
Jon Gruden Still Talking Inside ESPN Broadcast Booth 45 Minutes After End Of ‘Monday Night Football’ #~# WASHINGTON—ESPN’s Monday Night Football commentator Jon Gruden reportedly continued speaking into his microphone for 45 minutes following the conclusion of last night’s Eagles–Redskins matchup, incessantly rambling on about the potential of rookie players, his experiences as an NFL coach, and quarterback throwing mechanics. “I’m telling you, if the Eagles are going to keep running a one-deep, RGIII just needs to look him off and that slot receiver is going to be wide open all night,” Gruden reportedly babbled aloud, standing alone in the darkened broadcast booth overlooking the completely empty stadium as crew members packed the last cases of camera equipment into the production truck. “This kid is something special, and I love watching him go out there and play like he’s having fun. He’s what I like to call a true competitor.” Witnesses confirmed that after the rest of the production team left the stadium, Gruden continued discussing the intricacies of the Eagles’ spread offense as a FedExField janitor attempted to vacuum around his feet.
Foreign Guy Probably Dressed Very Fashionably For Wherever He’s From #~# DENVER—According to sources, the foreign guy spotted on Colfax Avenue wearing tight, distressed green jeans and a graphic tee could very well be at the height of fashion back in his home country, wherever that may be. “Sure, he’s wearing really boxy glasses and his hair is all spiky on top and shaved around the sides, but I don’t know, maybe that’s just what’s in vogue back where he’s from,” said Denver resident Kyle Shea, adding that in the foreign man’s birthplace it is probably the height of chic to have the word “Love” embroidered in glitter across one’s T-shirt. “Hell, maybe all the tastemakers in God-knows-where-he’s-from leave the house every day in purple undershirts, Skechers, and gold chains. Who am I to say?” At press time, Shea was thinking it’s got to be either Russia or Croatia, possibly Turkey.
Nation’s Math Teachers Introduce 27 New Trig Functions #~# All Graduating Students Must Master Gamsin, Negtan, Cosvnx, 24 Others
Heartless Dutch Curators Put Deranged Scrawlings Of Mentally Ill Suicide Victim On Full Display For World To Mock #~# AMSTERDAM—In a cold-hearted, deeply exploitative decision announced Monday, the Van Gogh Museum revealed that they had unearthed the crazed scribblings of a schizophrenic, highly disturbed suicide victim and planned to put them on full display for the world’s amusement this coming fall. “We hope people from all across the globe will come to see this exciting and fascinating new acquisition,” said the museum’s chief curator, Axel Rüger, who is evidently fine with the idea of parading around a clearly very sick man’s manic doodles for the so-called entertainment of millions. “It’s truly an extraordinary find, and we feel especially lucky to be the first to [take the creations of a severely bipolar individual and allow the general public to leer at the products of his mental illness]. Truly, this is an historic day for all interested in [exploiting the creations of an insane person].” Museum officials confirmed the sad, erratic evidence of a madman’s psyche will be on view—like some sort of modern-day freak show—until early winter.
Iowa Issuing Gun Permits To The Blind #~# Officials in Iowa have been granting gun permits to visually impaired and fully blind residents, allowing these individuals to purchase firearms and carry them in public. What do you think?
Couple Should Get Dinner With Other Couple, Couple Reports #~# OAKLAND, CA—Emphasizing that they, too, were a couple, local couple John and Kendra Wilkins suggested to couple Peter and McKenzie Kerns on Monday that the two couples get dinner together sometime, the couple confirmed. “We are a couple and you are also a couple, so we should go to dinner together as two couples,” the couple recommended to the other couple, noting that the two couples could also go out to drinks together or meet with a third couple. “We can update you on what we’ve been doing as a couple and you can update us on what you’ve been doing as a couple, and if our experiences overlap, we can discuss how we enjoyed our experiences as a couple relative to how you enjoyed your experiences as a couple. At the end of the dinner, we can talk about how nice it is to socialize with other couples, suggest getting together as couples again soon, and leave in our respective coupled pairings.” At press time, the couples confirmed plans to retain their mutual bond as couples until one couple became parents, at which point they would fall out of touch until the other couple became parents, and then they would all agree to meet up and socialize as parents.
Bashar Al-Assad Tries Tiny Bit Of Sarin Gas On Self To See What It’s Like #~# DAMASCUS—Citing the ongoing international debate over his alleged use of chemical weapons, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad reportedly subjected himself to a small dosage of sarin gas Sunday “just to see what it feels like.” “I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try a tiny little bit—but holy shit, was I wrong,” said Assad, who gingerly inhaled from a tube containing the lethal nerve agent and then proceeded to vomit into a nearby sink; experience severe eye pain, confusion, and partial paralysis; and then briefly lose consciousness. “I must’ve sniffed that stuff for, like, three seconds tops, but any more and I probably would have lost control of my entire central nervous system. I mean, can you imagine what a high dose of sarin would do to someone? Especially a child? Jesus.” Assad then abruptly told reporters he needed to end the interview before collapsing to the ground and convulsing uncontrollably.
NFL Week One Winners And Losers #~# With the first Sunday of the NFL season in the books, Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from week one:
Area Man’s Opinion Hasn’t Been Taken Seriously By Anyone In Over A Decade #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Sources close to marketing director Paul Himes confirmed Tuesday that no one has taken any of the 44-year-old’s opinions seriously for over 10 years, explaining that his viewpoints have no influence whatsoever on others and that they are disregarded the instant they are expressed. “Any opinion that comes out of Paul’s mouth, no matter how passionately held it may be, is immediately derided, talked over, or ignored, and not a single thought of his has factored seriously into any sort of decision or discussion that I can remember,” said Himes’ supervisor, Susan Grady, who confirmed that although Himes’s family, friends, and coworkers occasionally nod their heads, say “yeah, Paul,” and feign interest by making eye contact when he speaks, not a single one of them has earnestly considered his views since 2002. “Sure, I pretend to pay attention whenever he talks to me, but honestly I think everyone has learned to tune him out at this point.” Himes was not asked to comment.
The Mentalist #~# CBS
Study: Yelling At Teens As Harmful As Hitting #~# According to a new study, yelling, swearing, or directing insults at one’s teenage children does not correct their negative behavior and can cause the same psychological problems as hitting them would, including depression and aggression. What do you think?
Dallas Cowboys Halftime Show Features Execution Of Texas Prisoner #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Marking the Cowboys’ season opener against the Giants in traditional fashion, Dallas fans were reportedly treated to a thrilling halftime show Sunday night that featured the execution of a Texas state prisoner. “That was the best halftime show I’ve seen in years—there was this awesome light show with Toby Keith’s ‘American Ride’ playing over the sound system while a priest administered the last rites,” said 46-year-old Cowboys fan Alan Kierstead, adding that he especially enjoyed when Cowboys cheerleaders formed the shape of a skull around the stage and performed an elaborate dance routine before the convicted felon was injected with a lethal dose of pentobarbital. “My favorite part was when he finally went limp and all those fireworks shot up from the top of the stadium. I just wish I were one of those lucky people on the field who got to watch it close-up.” Delighted fans also told reporters that the halftime execution was far better than any other such event at Texas Stadium, noting that the view of the inmate’s last breath was much better on the venue’s state-of-the-art 72-foot-tall LED jumbotron.
Rex Ryan On Jets Season: ‘Anything Short Of 6-10 Is A Failure’ #~# NEW YORK—Jets head coach Rex Ryan told reporters at a press conference Thursday that anything short of a 6-10 record this season would be considered a flat-out failure. “I’ve never been afraid of setting lofty goals for this team, and we set the benchmark last year,” said Ryan, adding that anything less than third or fourth place in the NFC East would be a huge letdown for the team, front office, and fans. “I can see the potential for this team, so I’m not afraid to put it out there. This is a 6-10 team, and I expect us to play 6-10 football this year.” Ryan confirmed that he’s equally ambitious when it comes to setting the bar for himself, saying that a dismissal from the team anytime before week 12 would be an utter disappointment.
NFL Stadiums Eliminate Policy Requiring All Fans To Piss On Floor Next To Urinal #~# NEW YORK—In a reversal of longstanding league policy, NFL officials announced Friday that its stadiums will cease requiring all fans to piss directly on the bathroom floor next to urinals. “Going forward, the NFL will no longer demand that all fans miss the urinal completely, pissing wildly onto the floor, wall, and adjacent urinal partitions,” said NFL executive vice president Ray Anderson, emphasizing that the rule change was made in the interest of “keeping up with the times.” “Obviously, we remain committed to honoring football’s hallowed traditions. Pissing onto the floor is, of course, still allowed and encouraged, but we won’t enforce the rule that every single fan must always do so every time he goes to the bathroom.” Anderson added that the ban on women’s restrooms in NFL stadiums remains in effect.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week One Picks #~# OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL Week One games:
Nicole Walden #~# A memorial service will be held Friday for Nicole Walden, the world’s first “Nikki,” who passed away peacefully yesterday at 92.
George Zimmerman’s Wife Files For Divorce #~# Shellie Zimmerman filed for divorce from her husband of seven years, George Zimmerman, who was recently acquitted in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, claiming that he is verbally abusive, selfish, and that she’s not sure she “ever really knew him at all.” What do you think?
New Subway Promotion To Honor Subtember 11 #~# MILFORD, CT—Citing a wide range of deals customers will “never forget,” fast food chain Subway announced an exciting new promotion this week to honor and commemorate Subtember 11. “With a number of terrific discounts on special sandwiches as well as our classic footlongs, you’ll always remember where you were on Subtember 11,” Subway president Fred DeLuca told reporters, referring to Subway’s special promotion in which, for a limited time only, visitors of the restaurant’s tens of thousands of franchise locations will be able to “fly on in” and pick up two footlong subs of their choice for only $9.11. “From the Structural Steel Melt on Tower 7–Grain bread to the Twin Chowers cold cut combo with Ground Zero–Carb vinaigrette on a Let’s Whole Wheat Roll, we’ve got something for everybody this Subtember 11.” DeLuca added that the special promotion will be “first responders, first served.”
Study: Average Person Becomes Unhinged Psychotic When Alone In Own House #~# ITHACA, NY—Citing a range of behavior that experts could only describe as “profoundly disturbed,” a new study released by Cornell University’s psychology department Thursday revealed that most otherwise normal people transform into complete psychotics when alone in the confines of their own homes.
New ‘RoboCop’ Trailer Reveals Main Character To Be Some Sort Of Robotic Policeman #~# LOS ANGELES—According to sources, a new trailer released Thursday for the upcoming film RoboCop revealed that the movie’s main character seems to be some kind of futuristic robotic policeman or law enforcement officer. “The film—and I could be wrong—seems to posit a narrative world in which a half-machine, half-man is apparently an active member of the police force and is charged with upholding the law as though he were a human member of the police force,” said 32-year-old Macon, GA resident Jeffrey Albertson, adding that while the trailer was somewhat ambiguous, he believes RoboCop will, by and large, focus primarily on the actions of a singular robotic cop and not a police force comprised of many robotic cops. “I would assume, based on what I’ve seen, that because he is a robot policeman, if you will, and because he has the benefits of robotic technology, he will therefore be carrying out some of the film’s more difficult police missions. Again, this is purely conjecture at this point.” Albertson said he would just have to wait for the movie to come out to see if the human and robotic elements of the character’s identity come into conflict with one another, especially during the film’s quieter, more emotional scenes.
Jenn Sterger Still Receiving Lewd Brett Favre Texts #~# LOS ANGELES—Nearly three years after being embroiled in a sexual harassment scandal involving allegations that Brett Favre sent her a series of suggestive text messages, model and media personality Jenn Sterger revealed to reporters Friday that she continues to receive vulgar texts from the retired quarterback on a regular basis. “I would say that I get at least five or six texts from him every single day, and sometimes as many as 20 or 30,” said Sterger, noting that she has yet to reply to a single one of the 20-year NFL veteran’s thousands and thousands of obscene electronic advances. “Usually it’ll be more innocent stuff like ‘I’m touching it right now’ or ‘I want to explode inside you,’ but it can sometimes get super graphic if Brett feels like I’m ignoring him. What’s annoying is that I’ve changed my phone number like four times since this started happening, and he keeps finding my new one. I just want to move on with my life already.” When reached for comment, Favre responded with seven different photos of what was presumably his erect penis.
The NFL’s Top 10 Coaches #~# With the NFL season finally underway, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to the league’s best coaches.
Family’s Horrific 45-Minute Screaming Match Ends In Consensus To Go To Macaroni Grill #~# WHEATON, IL—Following 45 minutes of intense arguing and bitter protests, a heated screaming match between members of the Carroll family came to an end Thursday evening with a consensus to eat dinner at Macaroni Grill, household sources reported.
World War II Documentary Suffused With Anti-Nazi Undertones #~# NEWTON, MA—Calling its rhetoric one-sided and tendentious, viewers of the World War II documentary Total War told reporters Friday that the film’s language and imagery reflected an unmistakable anti-Nazi bias. “When they call the Third Reich ‘brutal’ and then play that sinister music in the background, you start to wonder if the filmmakers may have come to this project with a certain agenda already in mind,” said Mike Kuldell, 43, explaining that the documentary had “a pretty clear Allied slant” to it. “Any pretense of objectivity is out the window by the time they start talking about the ‘Nazi menace’ and how Hitler’s speeches were ‘full of hate.’ It’s so heavy-handed. Why can’t they just lay out the facts and let me draw my own conclusions?” Sources confirmed that by its end, Total War had devolved into a shameless hit piece that actually seemed to take a kind of sadistic pleasure in Hitler’s demise.
Lego Introduces First Female Scientist Figure #~# Lego, which has been accused of marketing their products almost exclusively to boys and playing into gender stereotypes, introduced its first female scientist Minifigure this week, though the ratio of male to female figures in the Lego universe remains roughly 4 to 1. What do you think?
Area Man Bids Tearful Farewell To Family As NFL Season Begins #~# CHESTERFIELD, MO—Steeling himself for the long journey ahead, local man and father of three John Cantrell reportedly bid a tearful farewell to his family Thursday, expressing good wishes to his loved ones prior to the commencement of the 2013 NFL season. “Deborah, kids, it looks like I’ll be going away for a while,” said Cantrell, adding that, following the kickoff of the season-opening matchup between the Baltimore Ravens and the Denver Broncos, his family wouldn’t see or be able to contact him for the next five months. “I know it’s going to be tough, but, hey, I’ll be back before you know it. Now don’t you cry, Josh. You’re the man of the house now. I need you to watch out for your mom and sisters, okay? God, I love you all so much.” As in past years, depending on the performance of the St. Louis Rams this season, sources noted that Cantrell might actually return to his family in as little as eight weeks.
Poll: Majority Of Americans Approve Of Sending Congress To Syria #~# WASHINGTON—As President Obama continues to push for a plan of limited military intervention in Syria, a new poll of Americans has found that though the nation remains wary over the prospect of becoming involved in another Middle Eastern war, the vast majority of U.S. citizens strongly approve of sending Congress to Syria.
Tough Season - Preview #~# Tough Season returns with a gritty, hard-hitting look inside the fantasy football locker room of Brad’s Awesome Team.
Man Puts Glass Of Water On Bedside Table In Case He Needs To Make Huge Mess In Middle Of Night #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Explaining that it’s just more convenient, local man Andrew Gomez told reporters Thursday that he’s gotten in the habit of placing a glass of water on his bedside table before he goes to sleep in case he needs to make a huge, sopping mess in the middle of the night. “Sometimes I’ll wake up at night, and it’s nice to be able to reach over and spill water all over my nightstand, comforter, and floor without having to get up,” said Gomez, noting that he usually places a brimming cupful of water next to his cell phone and unopened mail so that he can just awaken in a disoriented state and send the glass and its contents careening everywhere while fumbling for it in the dark. “Who wants to get out of bed and walk all the way to the kitchen to get a drink of water when they can spend half an hour in the middle of the night frantically drying off their possessions and picking up shards of broken glass? It’s definitely much easier this way.” Gomez added that, in the event he does not knock over the glass while reaching for it, there’s nothing quite like the taste of stale, room-temperature water.
Target Of Future Drone Attack Urges American Intervention In Syria #~# DAMASCUS—The target of a future U.S. drone strike aimed at taking out anti-American extremists strongly urged swift U.S. military intervention in Syria, sources confirmed Thursday. “President Obama and American forces must step in and help us overthrow Assad,” said the radical Islamist who will be the object of what will one day be an intense and lengthy manhunt by the CIA and whose death will reportedly be hailed as a major strategic victory by counterterrorism officials. “There needs to be a new regime in Syria immediately.” At press time, a non-target of a future drone strike, currently indistinguishable from the target of one, was saying the same thing.
Samsung Unveils Smartwatch #~# Samsung debuted its much-anticipated Galaxy Gear smartwatch yesterday, which allows the wearer to make calls or read texts and emails from their wrist and use any of 70 apps, though the device has to be synced with a nearby Galaxy Note tablet to operate. What do you think?
Nation’s Female Joggers Know They Will One Day Be Assaulted, Buried In Woods #~# ‘Circle Of Life,’ Say Women
R.A. Has Bad Feeling About Kid In Cloak #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Saying that he’s “gonna have to keep an eye on that one,” Ohio State University resident assistant Scott Joachim confirmed Wednesday that he is “not getting a good vibe” from the freshman student on his floor who wears a cloak at all times. “It’s hard enough being a freshman in the first weeks of school and trying to find your identity, but on top of all that this kid’s gotta throw a cloak in the mix?” said Joachim of the 18-year old student who is reportedly registered under the name Tim Estrin but, on the rare occasions that he has spoken with hallmates, has introduced himself only as “Damien.” “And he’s not wearing the cloak in a humorous, quirky way, either. He’s clearly dead serious. Everyone in the whole dorm just calls him Cloak Kid.” At press time, a relieved Joachim saw the student entering his room with a young woman who was also wearing a cloak.
Wal-Mart Announces Plan To Slash Customers’ Throats #~# BENTONVILLE, AR—In a nationwide event this Thursday, Wal-Mart stores in more than 4,000 locations will be slashing customers’ throats from sunrise until sundown, the retailer announced. “In every section of the store, whether it’s electronics or produce, we’ll be cutting customers’ throats from ear to ear!” an official Wal-Mart press release read in part, adding that the throat-slashing event is not to be missed and is a once-in-a-lifetime offer. “We expect hundreds of thousands of customers to come out and experience our deep cuts across their internal and external carotid arteries, so get here early. And bring the kids!” The statement confirmed that in addition to slashing customers’ throats, the store would also be cutting arms and legs down by half.
True Courage Is Knowing You’re Wrong But Refusing To Admit It #~# Courage requires us to remain steadfast in our beliefs. It asks that we stand by the convictions we express and never give an inch, no matter what the cost. However off base, wrongheaded, or patently false a position we’ve staked out may be, courage nonetheless demands that we blindly pound home our stupid fucking point, never letting up.
Buying Everything Hairstylist Recommends Would Cost $8,000 #~# PASADENA, CA—Purchasing every single item hairstylist David Bonadio recommended to her this morning would cost local woman Marya Hayes upwards of $8,000, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Start with the Serge Normant Meta Lush Volumizer, plus a good leave-in conditioner to keep your hair hydrated, and after that you’ll want to use a curling iron, the Chi Air ceramic hair dryer, a pomade, and obviously one of these heat-protectant sprays,” said Bonadio, standing before a display shelf at his salon and pointing to products whose combined price would equal more than a fifth of Hayes’ annual salary. “I’d suggest the tea-tree moisturizer with the applicator, as well as the oléo-relax serum. And if you don’t have a salon-quality oil, well, you’re just destroying your hair. Moroccanoil is best—that’s the first in a five-part treatment. You won’t regret it. Same goes for flexible-hold hair spray, a boar-bristle brush, and the Keratin Complex Volumizing Dry Shampoo Lift Powder. Those are absolutely essential.” At press time, Hayes had reportedly exited the salon with the same shampoo she always gets.
Len Hilt #~# Len Hilt, 89, died after a brief illness. He enjoyed brief illnesses and presumably died a contented man.
Lava Lamp Turns 50 #~# The lava lamp, which was invented by British accountant Edward Craven-Walker, first went on sale 50 years ago this week under the name Astro Lamp, becoming widely popular throughout the 1960s and 1970s. What do you think?
Tough Season - The Draft - Ep. 2 #~# Larry Fitzgerald anxiously waits to find out which fantasy team he’ll play for this year, while coach Brad Blevins tries not to panic over his first round pick.
NAACP, KKK Hold First-Ever Meeting #~# The NAACP chapter president in Casper, WY met with a local Ku Klux Klan organizer in the first-ever meeting between the two groups, with the Klansman paying a $30 fee to join the NAACP so he could receive the organization’s newsletter and learn more about its views. What do you think?
Breaking: Tim Tebow Drawing Interest From Media #~# NEW YORK—Late-breaking reports from several major broadcasting outlets confirmed moments ago that recently cut quarterback Tim Tebow is currently drawing a significant amount of interest from American media. “There has certainly been a lot of chatter on Tim Tebow, linking him to several high-profile news stories,” an anonymous source told reporters, adding that Tebow was presently attracting attention from ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, and ESPN as well as print media, radio, and the internet. “Obviously the frenzy of moves made by the media clearly shows that Tebow is a very intriguing prospect who has so much potential to truly shine in headlines, articles, or even as the topic of a short broadcast segment.” Despite the overwhelming enthusiasm from the media, NFL fans have reportedly expressed zero interest in Tim Tebow.
Ariel Castro Failed By System #~# ORIENT, OH—In yet another glaring indication of the nation’s broken criminal justice system, Ohio correctional officers discovered the body of inmate Ariel Castro, a Cleveland man serving a life sentence on rape and kidnapping charges, hanging from his jail cell Tuesday night, prompting strong calls for action from reformers looking to correct America’s failed correctional policy. “What happened to Ariel Castro is symptomatic of a deeply flawed rehabilitation system that provides neither justice nor security, instead allowing countless men and women each year to fall through the cracks,” prison reform advocate John Wolahan told reporters, noting that Castro, who police say was left unattended for 30 minutes at a time by security personnel, was as much a victim of the prison’s negligence as he was of society as a whole. “In a legal system concerned with harsh sentencing and ultra-punitive approaches to justice, the well-being of people like Ariel Castro—those who have to live in the system we created—is treated as a mere afterthought. And I ask you: How many Ariel Castros have to suffer before we realize the machine is broken? His death is something we all have to live with.” Reformers added that the case was especially tragic because prison employees had reportedly seen warning signs from Castro for weeks and took no action.
New Skin Cream To Do Something #~# CINCINNATI—Representatives from Olay skin products confirmed Monday that their new skin cream does something, like “something that has to do with aging, or smoothness, or some other skin thing.”
Assad Unable To Convince Putin That He Used Chemical Weapons On Syrians #~# MOSCOW—Despite Syrian president Bashar al-Assad’s flat-out admission to the Russian leader that he was responsible for an August 21 chemical weapons attack on a suburban Damascus neighborhood, Russian president Vladimir Putin confirmed Wednesday that al-Assad has yet to provide a convincing case that he carried out the assault. “Given the information I’ve seen at this point, President Assad failed to show me clear, substantiated evidence that he used chemical weapons against the Syrian people, regardless of how many times he says ‘I, Bashar al-Assad, President of Syria, am the one who did this’ while showing me videos of people dying of Sarin poisoning,” said Putin, adding that he remains extremely skeptical despite phone conversations in which a reportedly frustrated Assad repeats, over and over again, the step-by-step account of how he authorized the use of nerve gas to kill over 1,400 people. “We need to know all the facts before we act. I don’t care how many autopsy reports, laboratory tests, or pictures of Assad pressing a button labeled ‘chemical weapons launcher’ he sends me—before we have conclusive proof that he and not the opposition forces did this, we cannot say that Syria is in violation of international law.” Putin went on to confirm that until Assad proves beyond a doubt that he carried out the alleged attack, Russia will continue delivering components of a surface-to-air missile defense system to the Syrian government.
Royal Baby Already Making New Friends #~# LONDON—Just six weeks after entering into the world, sources close to the Royal Family confirmed today that the newborn heir to the British throne is already making new friends. “The prince is barely a month old, but he already has all sorts of friends following him around wherever he goes—he’s quite the social butterfly!” said a Buckingham Palace aide, noting that the young monarch’s new buddies love to crawl around with him and make funny little sounds. “There seem to be more of them every day, in fact! At this rate, he’ll soon be the most popular boy in England.” At press time, a gleeful pack of the royal baby’s friends were reportedly playing with Prince William.
College-Aged Female Finds Unlikely Kindred Spirit In Audrey Hepburn #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Acknowledging that her improbable affinity for the actress must come as quite a surprise, University of Virginia sophomore Emily DeLong revealed Wednesday that she has found an unexpected kindred spirit in golden age of Hollywood star Audrey Hepburn. “It may seem like an odd thing to say, but I think my favorite actress might be Audrey Hepburn,” said the 19-year-old DeLong, adding that while no one would ever suspect it, she has a Breakfast At Tiffany’s poster hanging in her dorm room. “She was so elegant and down to earth all at the same time, and something about her beauty was just timeless, you know? A lot more so than today’s celebrities.” In another statement coming completely out of left field, DeLong said she had recently bought a vintage film camera and was getting into photography.
Personal Trainer Has Desk #~# DALLAS—After seeing the inside of a small office room near the elliptical machines at Fitworks Gym, sources confirmed Monday that personal trainer Marc Robinson has a desk. “It’s a desk with a little pen holder and drawers for, I don’t know, his papers or something, I guess,” said gym member Maggie Rosado of the desk, which belongs to a man whose job consists primarily of walking around the interior of a fitness center and helping people lift weights. “There is a chair, too, for when he needs to sit down at his desk for extended periods of time and do, you know, work. Paperwork. Or whatever it is he needs a desk for.” At press time, sources were staring with quizzical expressions at a large file cabinet near the desk.
Bruce Springsteen On Fence About Playing Assad’s Birthday Gig #~# RUMSON, NJ­—Sources close to Bruce Springsteen confirmed yesterday that the rock legend continues to have mixed feelings about accepting an invitation to perform at Syrian president Bashar al-Assad’s upcoming 48th birthday party. “I mean, he’s a big fan, and the money’s good, so it’s a close call, ya know?” Springsteen reportedly said of the upcoming gig, in which the 63-year-old musician would be expected to play a 45-minute set with the The E Street Band at the Presidential Palace before al-Assad, his family, and several high-ranking military officers. “Besides, I kind of accepted over the phone when he asked, so the rest of the band is already over there right now. It sucks, but it might be the kind of thing where you just have to grit your teeth, go out there, and get it over with. Will it be my finest moment? No, but 200 grand is 200 grand.” Springsteen added that if he does ultimately decide to play the party, he’s thinking of opening with “Badlands” into “The Ties That Bind” and then closing with an extended jam on “Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out.”
Walt Streit #~# Walt Streit passed away Monday at the age of 74. In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to write a rambling, incoherent anti-immigration letter to your local newspaper.
Dennis Rodman Returns To North Korea #~# Six months after he visited on a goodwill tour with the Harlem Globetrotters, former NBA star Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea to “just have a good time” with his “friend” Kim Jong-un, the isolated country’s 29-year-old leader. What do you think?
20-Something Thinking About Maybe Doing Something Funny With His Facial Hair #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Local 24-year-old Dan Olson is strongly considering doing something unusual and humorous with the hair growing on his face, sources reported this week. "I just got a Philips Norelco Click & Style razor, so I was thinking of perhaps styling the hair on my face in a way that is considered amusing by those around me,'" said Olson, adding that he is thinking of making comical facial hair a central facet of his sense of self and personal identity. "And then, perhaps, by doing something humorous with the hair on my face, I will display to other human beings my age that I am a person who is humorous, and then they will like me and respect me for being a humorous person with humorous facial hair. That's my plan at the moment." At press time Olson had chickened out and given himself a clean shave.
Mom Loved ‘Fruitvale Station’ #~# CINCINNATI—Saying that “oh, I just thought it was so powerful” and “Dad loved it too,” local mom Deborah Ward informed family sources this week that she loved the film Fruitvale Station. “It was so sad, but so, you know, well-made, and the acting was just—I mean, I cried,” said Ward of the film, which reenacts the final hours of 22-year-old Oscar Grant’s life before he was tragically killed by a BART police officer, and which the 57-year-old mother of two confirmed is “based on a real story that happened.” “And the main actor in it is just wonderful. He’s almost sort of like a young Denzel Washington type. He’s very handsome, too. You really feel bad for him and his daughter.” Ward added that “I’m seeing it again with Audrey on Friday.”
Obama Assures Americans This Will Not Be Another 1456 Ottoman Siege Of Belgrade #~# WASHINGTON—As fierce debate continued this week over a proposed military strike on Syria, President Obama stressed to all Americans Monday that any U.S. involvement in the Middle Eastern country would not in any way mirror the 1456 Ottoman Siege of Belgrade.
64-Year-Old Woman Swims From Cuba To Florida #~# After four unsuccessful attempts, 64-year-old Diana Nyad this weekend became only the second person to swim from Cuba to Florida and the first to do so without the aid of a shark cage, traversing the 110-mile distance in 53 hours. What do you think?
New Study Finds Americans Are Living Too Long #~# WASHINGTON—According to findings released Monday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, 21st-century Americans are living far too long. “Due to advances in modern medicine, better dietary habits, and a greater overall quality of life, the current life expectancy for someone living in the United States is unfortunately 78; it should be 58, tops,” Dr. Francis Zhu told reporters. “Science is allowing U.S. citizens to live well beyond the point at which anyone could explain why they’re still alive. By the time they reach 60, Americans really have nothing more to offer.” Zhu added that childhood obesity, diabetes, and violent crime were thankfully helping to bring the life expectancy averages down to a much more sensible level.
Jellyfish Falls Short Of Dream To Kill Diana Nyad #~# GULF OF MEXICO—Just one day after Diana Nyad completed her record-breaking swim from Cuba to Florida, a local box jellyfish expressed its deep disappointment Tuesday morning at narrowly failing to achieve its lifelong dream of killing the 64-year-old swimmer. “From the time I was just a young ephyra, I’ve dreamt of the day I would sting Diana Nyad so many times that she’d die,” said the highly venomous Tripedalia cystophora, who reportedly faced numerous adverse conditions throughout the 103-mile swim including choppy currents, varying water temperatures, and Nyad’s special facial gear and skin cream that protected her from jellyfish stings. “To have a dream like this, and to train for years only to come up short, is a pretty heartbreaking thing for me. And this was my chance, ya know? I’m certainly not getting any younger, and I doubt I’ll ever get that close to her again.” At press time, the box jellyfish told reporters it hopes to recover from the personal defeat by killing the 8-year-old girl currently drifting toward it in Key West.
Coworkers Nationwide Embrace Tearfully After Painful 3-Day Separation #~# 'Hallelujah, God Is Good!' Reunited Employees Cry
God Feeling Down In Dumps After Death Of Grandmother #~# THE HEAVENS—Grief-stricken from the sudden death of His paternal grandmother last week, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, reported Tuesday He “hasn’t felt this sad in millennia.” “It’s been really tough these past few days, just because Nana was the one who took care of me and my sisters after our parents left,” said Our Heavenly Father, tearfully recalling the oatmeal raisin cookies His grandmother used to bake whenever He came home to visit from college. “I knew I could always count on her being there to pick up the phone, no matter what was bothering me. Just hearing the sound of her voice could somehow make me feel better, and now I’ll never get to hear it again.” God added that the woman was the only grandmother He ever knew, since His mom’s mom died 200 years before He was born.
Guy Looking To Feel Horrible About Aspect Of Everyday Life Decides To Watch Documentary #~# LANSING, MI—Seeking a sense of bottomless dread about an aspect of ordinary daily life that had heretofore seemed innocuous to him, local resident Michael Strzpek decided to watch any of a thousand documentary films available to stream on netflix.com Thursday evening. “I already feel terrible about American politics, advertising, water, dolphins, fast food, and Walt Disney, so let’s see what other documentaries can make me feel terrible about something it never occurred to me to feel terrible about before,” the 31-year-old claims adjuster told reporters. “I’m just really in the mood to feel like complete and utter shit about something I do, eat, purchase, patronize, or support, and I want the depths of its ugliness revealed to me through a combination of shocking footage, interviews with experts, and sober voice-over narration.” At press time, Strzpek figured this documentary exposing the dangers of wind turbines “should do the trick.”
The NFL's Top 10 Cornerbacks #~# With football training camps underway, Onion Sports is preparing fans for the upcoming 2013 NFL season by ranking players at every position. Here’s a helpful guide to the league’s best cornerbacks.
The Onion’s Tips For College Freshmen #~# Millions of young Americans are arriving on campuses all over the country to begin their college lives. Here are some useful tips for incoming freshmen to help them successfully navigate undergraduate life and make the most of the next four years:
Study: Life On Earth May Have Started On Mars #~# According to scientist Steven Benner, conditions on Mars 3 billion years ago were more conducive than those on Earth to creating one of the earliest molecules of life, RNA, and that meteorites may have transported these molecules to Earth’s surface. What do you think?
Hannah Storm On What She’s Learned From Interviewing NFL Players: ‘They’re Idiots’ #~# BRISTOL, CT—Claiming that the interviews during the NFL Face To Face series were very enlightening, SportsCenter anchor Hannah Storm revealed Monday that the in-depth conversations with NFL superstars taught her that professional football players are complete idiots. “When you sit down and really talk to a NFL player, you see right away that they are just dumb as fuck,” said Storm, adding that the dipshits elaborated on their goals, feelings, and passions with a series of incoherent and incredibly moronic statements. “As individuals, each of them shared their amazingly stupid thoughts on a number of topics, which provided a unique insight into an uneducated jerk.” Storm told reporters that despite their talent and physical prowess, NFL players are really no different from the average American imbecile.
If Martin Luther King Were Alive Today, He Would Be Disgusted At How Difficult It Has Become For Public Figures To Quietly Cheat On Their Wives #~# Today marks a proud occasion for all Americans: It’s the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.’s historic “I Have A Dream” speech, in which King delivered his rousing message of goodwill, tolerance, and racial harmony to over 250,000 passionate civil rights supporters assembled in our nation’s capital. However, five decades later, as thousands of men, women, and children gather on the National Mall to commemorate this immense chapter in the civil rights movement, it pains me to say that Dr. King would, frankly, be up in arms about the way things are today.
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of September 2, 2013 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Men Just As Likely To Be Depressed As Women #~# Upending previous research, a new study found that an equal percentage of men and women, about 30 percent, would meet the definition for depression at some point in their lives if the criteria for diagnosis were broadened to include symptoms such as aggression, substance abuse, and risk taking. What do you think?
Seventh-Grade Biology Class Grossed Out At Having To Dissect Horse #~# MONTCLAIR, NJ—Students at Glenville Middle School expressed disgust Thursday at having to dissect full-size horse cadavers, a much-dreaded annual assignment given to all seventh-grade biology classes in the local school district. “You always hear that [biology teacher] Mr. Becora’s going to make you dissect a 14-hand thoroughbred, but until you actually see one all pinned down on your lab table, you don’t realize how gross it’s going to be,” said Lauren Denison, 13, who has protested the policy stating that any student who refuses to participate is automatically given a C. “They give you this horse in a tank of formaldehyde, and it’s super disgusting—you and your lab partner have to slice off the hooves one by one, and that’s before you even crack open the rib cage and remove the aorta. Yuck!” As of press time, resident class clown Ian Levine was reportedly trying to lasso Denison using his horse’s small intestine.
Rand Paul Accused Of Plagiarizing Speech From Wikipedia #~# Rachel Maddow accused Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) of plagiarizing four lines of a recent speech from the Wikipedia page on the 1997 film Gattaca, while others noted that Paul appeared to borrow several lines from the Wikipedia entry on the 1988 drama Stand and Deliver during a speech earlier this year. What do you think?
Harrison Ford Begs Agents To Just Let Him Die Now #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying that “it’s time,” a visibly weary Harrison Ford pleaded with his agents Thursday to simply stop this and let him die, sources confirmed. “Please, you’ve had your fill. Just let me go quietly into the night,” the 71-year-old Ender’s Game star reportedly said, later imploring his agents not to hand him any more scripts and to just “let [him] go to sleep forever.” “I’ve spent my entire life doing this for you people. We had a good run, but it’s been a long journey and I’m very tired now. Please don’t talk about any more projects or how the director will work around my schedule. And don’t try to convince me that this is how I get my Oscar. It’s over. I just want to close my eyes and never wake up.” Reports confirm that Ford’s agents then mentioned a new script set during the Cold War in which he’d play Robert McNamara, which prompted Ford to sigh, shake his head, and say, “Okay, let me take a look.”
NBC Cancels ‘Piven’ After 5 Seasons #~# LOS ANGELES—Citing flagging ratings and a desire to retool its Thursday night comedy lineup, NBC announced today that Piven, the half-hour sitcom starring Jeremy Piven as a hotheaded actor on the verge of breaking into the A-list, would not be renewed for a sixth season. “Piven always had a strong cult following, but unfortunately it never found a wide enough audience long-term to make it profitable for the network,” said TV Guide’s Matt Roush of the ratings-plagued show, which reportedly suffered from several time slot reshuffles, off-set problems with costar Robert Klein, and an uneven first season. “The show got a lot of mileage out of the will they/won’t they thing with Jeremy and Michelle, but once that got resolved in the fourth season, the ratings never really recovered. And once it was announced that fan favorite Cybill Shepherd, who played Piven’s mother, would not be returning for another season, that was pretty much the final nail in the coffin.” At press time, Deadline.com had reported that the actor is slated to make a midseason return on CBS’ Jeremy.
Boss Came To Work Today Dressed As Guy Who Fires Sean #~# TRENTON, NJ—Praising his Halloween costume as “extremely realistic,” employees at local software firm Sterling Data Analytics confirmed Thursday that boss Donald Barlow has come into the office dressed as a guy who’s firing Sean. “Wow, he absolutely nailed it,” marketing associate Susan Dominguez told reporters, adding that Barlow’s depiction of a stern middle manager who, due to Sean’s recent performance issues, is forced to lay him off is “absolutely perfect.” “He’s got a suit on and this really serious look on his face just like a man who’s about to explain to Sean that his position has been terminated, effective immediately, and that he needs to clean out his desk and turn in his keycard. Very authentic. And it looks like he just called Sean into his office, too. Man, he’s really selling it.” At press time, Sterling employees were similarly impressed by Sean’s decision to dress up as a weeping man who had just lost his livelihood.
Jen Piasek and Scott Gahagen #~# Jen Piasek and Scott Gahagen claimed they were married in their backyard Saturday so they could have the beautiful autumnal scenery in all of their pictures but it’s really because they’re poor.
Half Of U.S. Kids Use Smartphone Or Computer By Age 2 #~# A new study found that 48 percent of American children under the age of 2 have used a computer or mobile device, flouting the latest recommendations issued by the American Academy of Pediatrics. What do you think?
Red Sox Fan Dedicates Garbage Can He’s Lighting On Fire To Marathon Victims #~# BOSTON—Fifteen minutes after the Boston Red Sox defeated the St. Louis Cardinals to become World Series Champions, sources are now confirming that local man Bradley Ferrante, 26, is dedicating the trash can he’s lighting on fire to the victims of last April’s Boston Marathon bombings. “4/15, never forget!” said a visibly intoxicated Ferrante before throwing an entire book of lit matches into the trash bin, stumbling slightly before kicking it to the ground, removing his shirt, and screaming “Go Sox!” “Dynasty!” “Big Papi! We love you, Papi!” and “We’re the fuckin’ champs, baby! Boston Strong! Yankees suck! Woo!” At press time, Ferrante was hunched over on Boylston Street, vomiting roughly 800 yards from the marathon’s finish line.
Red Sox Host Cardinals For Game 6 Of World Series At Boston’s Orpheum Theatre #~# BOSTON—Driving the venue into a frenzy of deafening cheers, the Red Sox and Cardinals took the stage Wednesday night to play the sixth game of the 2013 World Series for a sold-out audience at Boston’s iconic Orpheum Theatre. “This whole place just went nuts when the lights went down; [Red Sox lead pitcher] John Lackey rushed out from backstage and they launched right into the first inning,” said Jordan Steger, one of 2,700 fans treated to the breathtaking pitching, batting, and pyrotechnics displays the two teams put on. “It got out of control for a while there—Jacoby Ellsbury hit a line drive that was headed right at me until one of the outfielders came scampering up the aisle to grab it. Love watching these guys play in such an intimate venue.” At press time, the Red Sox and Cardinals players were involved in a heated balcony-clearing brawl.
College Unveils New Media Center Every Month #~# WASHINGTON—Having described each of the state-of-the-art facilities as crucial to serving the evolving needs of the college’s student body, campus sources confirmed Wednesday that George Washington University has unveiled a new media center every single month for the last five years. “I’m pleased to announce the opening of the Carroll-Eldridge Media Center, which will offer our students a unique and cutting-edge learning experience,” Dean of Students Dr. Peter Konwerski said of the school’s newest media center, which—like the recently constructed Decker Media Center, Sheila and Arthur Bergmann Media Center, Eugene Willis Media Arts Center, Sussman Media Center, Michael Schwartz Media and Computer Center, David Schwartz Media and Computer Center, and Benjamin Coleman Media Center—boasts a fully furnished computer lab, soundproofed recording studios, and a media rental library containing more than 75,000 audiovisual titles. “This ultramodern facility will also feature dozens of video projectors, music practice rooms, and a 450-seat auditorium that dwarfs the nearby Clayton Media Center’s 350-seat auditorium. It will ensure that our student body has full access to all the conveniences they require, while also allowing GW to remain competitive with other colleges that are adding their own media centers.” Konwerski later noted that undergraduate tuition will rise approximately $6,000 next year.
Town Sues Sriracha Factory Over Hot Sauce Odor #~# The town of Irwindale, CA is suing the local Sriracha hot sauce factory for what residents claim is the overpowering stench of chili peppers and garlic, alleging that the odor causes them to sneeze and cough, gives them headaches, and burns their eyes and throats. What do you think?
Suburban Mom Wows Family With Most Androgynous Look Yet #~# BURKE, VA—Speechless for several seconds after she descended the stairs for breakfast Sunday, the family of local mother Jolene DiPietro were reportedly “floored” by the 49-year-old’s latest look, a gender-neutral mix of loose-fitting clothes and low-maintenance grooming that muted any and all outward feminine characteristics.
Justin Timberlake Tells Jessica Biel No One Will Believe Her #~# LOS ANGELES—Explaining the exact nature of the situation to his wife, pop superstar Justin Timberlake reportedly told Jessica Biel on Wednesday that even if she were to make the mistake of telling somebody what happened, not a goddamn soul would believe her. “You’re nuts if you think anyone’s going to take your word over mine,” said Timberlake, who according to sources invited Biel to think for a minute about how ridiculous it would sound—her, the former 7th Heaven star, going up against him, an international sensation and the reigning king of pop. “Sure, tell the press. See if they’ll even listen to you. But Jess, if it really comes down to you versus me, then come on, who do you think they’ll believe? The guy who can literally make people scream by simply showing his face in public, or some 13-year-old’s jerk-off fantasy from 2001?” Reports indicate Timberlake then asked Biel to remind him which one of them was capable of selling out Madison Square Garden in five seconds flat and, after she answered, said, “That’s right,” patted her on the head, and told her he was going to bed.
Fun-Loving, Laid-Back Woman With A Bit Of A Nerdy Side Joins Online Dating Service #~# CINCINNATI—Describing herself as “spontaneous, down-to-earth, and just a little quirky,” a self-professed fun-loving, laid-back woman with a bit of a nerdy side has joined an online dating service, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I like biking and hanging out with my friends, but am just as fond of curling up with a good book or nerding out to a good Joss Whedon show,” read the woman’s profile, which includes photos captioned with the phrases “reigning karaoke champ” and “me and Ashley at Hogwarts in Orlando!” “While I’m adventurous and enjoy going new places and trying new things, I also don’t mind staying in with a bottle of wine and watching some Battlestar Galactica. Sometimes it’s good to have a day to just veg out, you know?” The woman’s profile also reportedly confirms her positive feelings toward dogs.
Roommate Protective Services Rescues Helpless 22-Year-Old From Squalid Apartment #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Calling the man’s living conditions “utterly deplorable,” officials from Roommate Protective Services confirmed today that they removed local Kevin Spyra this morning from a two-bedroom apartment filled with overflowing garbage bins, piles of unwashed dishes, and a refrigerator full of rotting food. “The squalid state of the apartment was extremely hazardous to the health and well-being of Kevin, and we had to get him out of there,” local RPS officer Jim McCarthy said of the at-risk 22-year-old, adding that Spyra’s negligent roommate Ben Stern, 23, had created an unsafe environment in which Kevin was constantly exposed to piles of foul-smelling dirty clothes, the stench of unwashed bath towels, Incubus blaring at 3 a.m., and scattered mugs with used tea bags crusted onto them. “We got a tip from a neighbor who said that she overheard Ben shouting at Kevin after Kevin politely asked when Ben would pay his share of the cable bill. It’s tragic when you find a helpless 22-year-old roommate living like this.” McCarthy went on to say that Spyra has been taken into protective custody, and that the most important thing now is to find him a healthy shared living situation with a roommate who isn’t a complete dick.
NFL To Add Second Team In Jacksonville #~# NEW YORK—Citing the overwhelming success of the Jacksonville Jaguars, NFL officials unveiled plans Tuesday to add a second franchise in Jacksonville by the 2017 season. “Over the last 20 years, we’ve seen that Jacksonville, Florida is a city passionately devoted to professional football,” said league commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that he believes the market in Jacksonville can easily sustain one, if not two or three additional NFL teams. “Obviously, the Jaguars have set a very high bar that would be difficult for a second team to surpass, but if the Jacksonville Pythons were to enjoy even a small fraction of the Jaguars’ popularity, this would be a worthwhile investment.” Officials revealed that to maintain inter-conference balance, the league would also add a team in San Diego, St. Louis, or Tampa Bay.
Some Guy At Bar Lived In San Francisco For A Summer And Liked It A Lot #~# PITTSBURGH—Calling it “a great city” and saying that he could definitely see himself moving back there one day, some guy at local bar Casey’s Draft House lived in San Francisco for a summer and really liked it, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh, you talking about San Francisco? I lived there for a summer when I was doing an internship, back in, like, I think it was 2010,” said the guy, who then went on to talk about Golden Gate Park and the “amazing” Mexican food he used to pick up in the Mission. “What’s awesome about San Francisco is that it’s got all these cool little neighborhoods and they’re all within walking distance of each other, so it doesn’t feel like you’re stuck in a big city. And you’re right on the water the whole time. It’s great. I love San Francisco.” At press time, the guy had turned around and was talking to someone else now.
Pro-Assad Group Hacks Obama’s Twitter Account #~# The Syrian Electronic Army, a group that supports the regime of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, hacked links on President Barack Obama’s official Twitter and Facebook accounts, redirecting users to a propaganda video about terrorism in Syria. What do you think?
Edwin Harsy and Jen Cranlin #~# Edwin Harsy and Jen Cranlin were wed far from home, but even that couldn’t keep Uncle Brian away.
Mom Leaks Out Another Divorce Detail During Drive To SAT Prep Class #~# EDMONDS, WA—While driving her 15-year-old son Jonathan to his SAT prep class last evening, area mom Donna Callins leaked another detail of her divorce from the teenager’s father earlier this year, sources reported. “You know by this time last fall, he had already picked out a condo in the Southwest—I suppose you weren’t aware of that,” the 48-year-old mother said in what reports confirmed was merely the latest in a series of increasingly forthcoming disclosures to her son on the subject of her failed marriage, quickly adding that she “shouldn’t be talking about this with [him]” before expounding further on the topic. “At that point, I’m not sure if you know this, but we hadn’t been speaking for three months, except about you kids. Your father is a very difficult man. Anyway, have a good time! Text me when it’s over.” Sources later reported that Jonathan Callins sat quietly for the entire duration of the car ride.
Mysterious Google Barges Seen On East, West Coasts #~# Many are speculating that two mysterious barges containing four-story structures, one docked in Portland, ME and another in San Francisco, are owned by tech giant Google and may contain floating data centers or promotional Google Glass store locations. What do you think?
I’m Kind Of OCD About Always Serving White Customers First #~# We’ve all got our little quirks. Some people need to have all their books stacked on the shelf in perfect alphabetical order. Others freak out if someone puts away their dishes in the wrong cupboards. But me? My biggest neurosis is that when I’m at work, I can get pretty OCD when it comes to making sure to serve our white customers first.
27-Year-Old Lies About Every Single Aspect Of His Life To Keep Parents From Worrying #~# BOSTON—While speaking with his mother over the phone Monday evening, sources confirmed that 27-year-old marketing coordinator Daniel Hewitt lied about every single detail of his life in order to keep his parents from worrying about him.
Sports Journalist Told To Write Some Slop About Baseball Healing Boston #~# BOSTON—Ahead of Wednesday’s potential World Series–clinching Game 6 matchup between the Red Sox and Cardinals, sources confirmed that Los Angeles Times sports editor Sam Poyet instructed journalist Ross Martinez to quickly throw together some slop about baseball helping the city of Boston heal from this year’s tragic marathon bombings. “Just shit out like six or seven hundred words’ worth of melodramatic sludge about how the whole city has been galvanized by their team and how baseball offers a way for Bostonians to slowly move on from tragedy,” said Poyet, adding that Martinez should definitely churn out a couple paragraphs of muck contrasting the overwhelming terror pervading Boston during the aftermath of the bombings to the especially emotional and impassioned atmosphere at Fenway Park this season. “Don’t forget to mention the ‘Boston Strong’ rallying cry, the club’s tributes to victims during each game, and how this is all about much more than just baseball. And, I don’t know, a little section about the players saying some heartwarming gunk about how much this means to the people of Boston. Then maybe round off the whole sentimental garbage heap with something about how no matter what, the day will never be forgotten. Oh, and something where you use the phrase ‘the wounded heart of a proud city.’ Just throw it all in the trough; they’ll eat it up.” Poyet added that the giant mound of histrionic, exploitative glop should probably start off with the sentence, “The morning of April 15, 2013 wasn’t much different from any other in downtown Boston.”
NFL Forbids Chiefs From Creating Their Own Schedule Again Next Season #~# NEW YORK—Assuring reporters that the team will soon be “back on a level playing field,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Tuesday that the currently undefeated Kansas City Chiefs will not be permitted to create their own schedule again next season. “Though we allowed them to make these decisions this time around, the Kansas City Chiefs will not be able to handpick which NFC and AFC divisions they’re matched up against next year,” said Goodell, adding that in order to maintain parity across both conferences, the Chiefs will not be authorized to once again dictate which games they play at home or the timing of their bye week. “We felt it wasn’t in the best interests of the league to invite Kansas City’s upper management back to the NFL front office next April to choose their opponents, the order in which they play those opponents, each week’s kickoff time, and the location of every game. Letting the Chiefs select the absolute easiest schedule possible ultimately reflects poorly on the NFL as a whole, and was clearly an abuse of the privilege.” Goodell also noted that the league may allow the Jacksonville Jaguars to choose their schedule next season, but admitted to reporters “it probably won’t make a difference anyway.”
Report: Someone Probably Masturbating To This Stock Photo Right Now #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report published today by the Pew Research Center, there is most likely someone out there, at this very moment, masturbating to the stock photograph shown above. “Statistically speaking, it is highly probable that at present there is at least one hunched-over person touching him or herself while viewing this stock image,” the report read in part, citing current levels of web traffic, the frequency with which the average human being masturbates, and the variability of human nature and sexual proclivities, to draw its conclusion regarding the above photo licensed from Getty Images. “In all likelihood, the individual in question was simply browsing this site, reached this page, found its image sexually arousing, and has now commenced genital stimulation.” The report went on to state that there is nothing anybody can do about it.
63-14 Loss Disgraces Penn State Football Program #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA—Following a humiliating 63-14 defeat against Ohio State over the weekend, officials at Pennsylvania State University on Tuesday called the blowout loss a blemish on the school’s storied football program, and the college’s biggest disgrace in recent memory. “Frankly, it’s unacceptable to have the Nittany Lions associated with something loathsome like this,” head coach Bill O’Brien told reporters, claiming that his team’s one-sided loss—its worst in nearly 114 years—does not align with the school’s values, and represents a black eye from which it may never recover. “To see our boys fail time and time again to create plays—and in a conference game, no less—it’s just reprehensible. I never thought I’d say this, but when the clock ran down and I got a final look at that scoreboard, I was actually ashamed to be associated with Penn State football.” O’Brien added that deceased head coach Joe Paterno was “probably rolling over in his grave” when his former team allowed the Buckeyes to put up 408 yards rushing.
Girlfriend To Stay Underneath Blanket For Next 5 Months #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Immediately after sitting down on the living room couch and covering herself in a large cotton blanket, area girlfriend Amanda Bettman, 28, announced her intentions Monday to remain in this state for the next five calendar months. “I am cozy right now, this is my ideal state of warmth and comfortability, and I shall remain underneath this blanket for the next 150 days or until such time as the cold weather season has fully transpired,” the Providence resident confirmed to her boyfriend as she drew the comforter to her ears and curled up amongst several big, fluffy pillows. “Blankets provide warmth, I am warm underneath this blanket, and being warm is better than being cold. These are the primary motivations behind my decision.” Bettman told her boyfriend she also intended to maintain a state of constant watch over their apartment’s thermostat.
Blake Griffin Caught Plagiarizing Dunks #~# LOS ANGELES—The professional basketball world was left reeling as reports surfaced Tuesday that Los Angeles Clippers power forward Blake Griffin has been caught plagiarizing several of his slam dunks. “We have heard these accusations, and let me assure you that they are receiving our full attention,” said Clippers general manager Gary Sacks, referring to allegations that the former Rookie of the Year stole several iconic dunks from other players without properly crediting them—most egregiously a two-handed overhand slam from the low post recorded in a Jan. 4, 2012 game against the Houston Rockets that experts call a “carbon copy” of a similar dunk previously executed by Chicago Bulls forward Carlos Boozer. “If Blake is found to have in fact stolen these dunks—and we are still making every effort to determine if his rim position, angle of approach, and hang time were in fact lifted from other athletes—then we will hold him fully responsible for his misdeeds. Dunk plagiarism lately has become a black eye for this league, and it is not something our organization takes lightly.” A visibly agitated Griffin reportedly insisted that the only borrowed components of his jams were those taken from public domain slam dunks by such NBA legends as Bob Pettit, Dave DeBusschere, and Elvin Hayes.
Poll: Older Americans Very Satisfied With Their Jobs #~# In a new poll, 90 percent of Americans over the age of 50 reported that they were either very satisfied or somewhat satisfied with their jobs, with the poll showing a steadily increasing level of job satisfaction among workers as they age. What do you think?
No One On Pirate Ship Has Any Idea What ‘Splicing The Mainbrace’ Means #~# THE HIGH SEAS—Upon being ordered by the captain to “splice the mainbrace” Wednesday, the crew aboard The Bloated Mermaid admitted that not a single one of them had any clue what the phrase meant or what they were now intended to do. “I think it has something to do with the sails, like, whether they’re up or down, maybe? Honestly, I really have no idea,” the ship’s first mate told reporters, adding that he had conferred with the galley steward, other deckhands, the captain’s wench, and numerous prisoners below deck and had yet to find anyone who could confirm the command’s meaning. “I'm still a little fuzzy on what a mainbrace is, to be perfectly frank. Or why one would need to splice it, whatever the hell that means.” At press time, the first mate had begun wondering whether the captain had said “splicing” or “slicing.”
Dad’s Been On A Parenting Kick Lately #~# AUSTIN, TX—In the most recent of a long string of hobbies and obsessions to completely absorb the local father’s attention, friends and family reported Monday that Jacob Rossbach, 35, has been on a serious parenting jag lately. “In the past few days, he’s just been going nuts with the paternal encouragement and affection stuff—he’s really gotten into it lately,” said daughter Jenny, 7, adding that while she’s not sure what put the parenting bug in her dad’s ear, her father now spends nearly all his free time on activities such as doling out advice, providing material assistance, and imparting wisdom to his two children. “A few minutes ago he stopped by my room just to tell me he was proud of me. He’s done that five times today. It’s like, huh, guess he’s going through a little nurturing-his-children phase or something.” The sudden burst of commitment to his paternal duties reportedly replaces a fiscal responsibility kick that dominated the previous week and a half of Rossbach’s life.
Woman Builds Ironclad Case Proving Mila Kunis Looks Bad Without Makeup #~# MILFORD, DE—After several months spent compiling and analyzing hundreds of magazine articles, internet slideshows, and transcripts of the television program Entertainment Tonight, area woman Erin Ward, 27, presented to her boyfriend on Monday her ironclad case proving actress Mila Kunis looks bad without makeup, sources are confirming. “Evidence of the disparity in Ms. Kunis’ attractiveness with makeup versus sans makeup dates back to 2007 at the earliest and is, as you can see, stark and irrefutable,” said Ward, gesturing to a corkboard-mounted flowchart chronicling all of Kunis’ public appearances in the past five years. “I’d like to direct your attention to Sample A, this photograph of Ms. Kunis on the red carpet of the 2012 People’s Choice Awards. Now compare that to this photograph of her in a restaurant just two weeks later when she was not wearing makeup. Note the puffier eyes, the saggier cheeks, the pale complexion. Please note as well that, should further evidence be required, I have five full boxes’ worth of documents supporting this very same conclusion.” Ward ended her 35-minute briefing by confirming that, sadly, her findings have thus far been persistently ignored and distorted by the mainstream media, though never disproven.
U.S. Tapped Phones Of 35 World Leaders #~# According to documents leaked by Edward Snowden, the National Security Agency tapped German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s phone as well as those of about 35 other foreign leaders beginning as early as 2002. What do you think?
Enzyme Humbled To Have Played Part In Successful Biochemical Reaction #~# BOSTON—Calling itself “just a catalyst, nothing more,” humbled enzyme α-amylase confirmed Monday that while its contributions to a recent biochemical reaction significantly sped up the breakdown of starch into maltose, the formation of the disaccharide was, overall, a team effort. “All I did was lower the activation energy required for the reaction to take place, but if I don’t have an amazing substrate like starch to act upon, there is no reaction, period,” said the modest catabolic enzyme, adding that it’s easy to forget about the calcium ion, chloride ion, and the 496 amino-acid residues that all need to come together to make this biomolecule possible. “Say the pH isn’t slightly acidic, or say there is just one less carbon atom. Are we left with a simple sugar that can be used as an immediate energy source? Absolutely not. You need teamwork for that, and thankfully, that’s what we had today.” The reserved molecule added that, when it comes down to it, every atomic particle down to the very last electron owes the successful creation of maltose to a working pancreas.
Today Particularly Rough Day For East Village Junkie Transvestite #~# NEW YORK—While reading in a wet, tattered copy of the New York Post about musician Lou Reed’s death as she waited in line for methadone outside the Bellevue Offsite Clinic in New York’s East Village this morning, homeless transvestite heroin addict Cookie Williams confirmed to reporters that today was going to be an especially rough day for her. “Even by the standard of how a day usually goes for me, I think today is now officially shaping up to be a doozy,” said Williams, 38, adding that hearing the news of the rock legend and Velvet Underground founder’s death at age 71 was “pretty much the last thing [she] needed” after waking up to infected blister pains this morning. “Granted, if you take away Lou Reed’s death, we’re still looking at a real motherfucker of a day for me, no question. But this sure as hell ain’t helping.” Williams later told reporters that, given the news, she was just going to take it easy today and nod off in Tompkins Square Park for 11 hours straight.
NFL Week Eight Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the eighth week of the NFL season:
How Congress Plans To Boost Its Approval Rating #~# Following the government shutdown and the debt ceiling crisis, polling has showed that a record 85 percent of Americans disapprove of Congress. Here’s how the nation’s lawmakers are attempting to boost their dismal approval ratings:
Nation’s Pedophiles March On Washington, D.C. Elementary School #~# WASHINGTON—With muttered chants of “Do you like The Hunger Games?” “I’m friends with your dad from work,” and “Cool backpack,” the nation’s pedophiles marched Monday upon Washington, D.C. grammar school Heatherton Elementary.
Americans Spend $330 Million On Halloween Pet Costumes #~# According to the National Retail Federation, Americans will spend nearly a third of a billion dollars on costumes for their pets this Halloween. What do you think?
Call Now! #~# This obituary space could be yours! Call or email this publication for rate and availability information.
The Walking Dead #~# AMC
Fan Pissed 15-Yard Penalty Called On Hit That Resulted In Player Being Carted Off Field On Stretcher #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Household sources confirmed that local football fan James Clemons became irate earlier this afternoon upon seeing a 15-yard penalty called on a hit that resulted in the ball carrier being carted off the field on a stretcher. “That’s such bullshit!” Clemons reportedly shouted at the television, as the huddled members of the training staff assessed the motionless and unresponsive player before immobilizing his neck and securing the rest of his body to the plank. “I’m fucking sick of these ticky-tack flags. Guy’s penalized for making a play. It’s ridiculous. It completely changes the momentum of the fucking game.” At press time, Clemons was reportedly screaming for the officials to throw a flag after a linebacker made light contact with the helmet of his quarterback.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week Eight Picks #~# OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week eight games:
Man Still Trying To Find Right Work-Anxiety–Life-Anxiety Balance #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Lamenting that there are only so many hours in the day to devote to his various stresses, local Epione Medical Instruments sales manager and father of two Dale Humphrey told reporters Friday that he continues to have difficulty striking a proper work-anxiety–life-anxiety balance.
Kim Jong-Un Receives Honorary Doctorate #~# A university in Malaysia conferred an honorary doctorate in economics on North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong-un, saying that the 30-year-old leader “makes untiring efforts for the education of the country and the well-being of its people.” What do you think?
NASA: ‘We Will Have A Mass Shooting On The Moon By 2055’ #~# WASHINGTON—Calling it the next great milestone in mankind’s journey into outer space, NASA officials boldly declared in a press conference Friday that a mass shooting would occur on the moon no later than 2055.
Titans Players Evenly Divided Amongst Bud Adams’ Next Of Kin #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Following last week’s death of Titans owner Bud Adams, the long-tenured executive’s next of kin have reportedly spent the past several days dividing up the team’s players in accordance with the wishes in the late owner’s last will and testament. “It’s been tough because most of them are pretty much worthless, but some at least have a little sentimental value,” said Susan Adams, one of the former owner’s two daughters who hoped her children would get some use out of Jake Locker. “You tell yourself they’re just things and you won’t let it cause problems, but then suddenly everyone is fighting over running back Chris Johnson.” While the majority of Titans had been distributed to Adams’ family and a few prized veterans were donated to local museums, punter Brett Kern was reportedly still sitting in a storage locker waiting to be claimed.
Company To Offer Balloon Rides To Edge Of Space #~# An Arizona-based company called World View Enterprises says it will offer rides to the edge of space in a capsule carried by a helium balloon at a price of $75,000 per person. What do you think?
You Can’t Judge A Book By Its Cover #~# NBC
NRA Calls For Teachers To Keep Loaded Gun Pointed At Class For Entire School Day #~# FAIRFAX, VA—In the wake of Monday’s tragic Nevada school shooting in which a 12-year-old student killed a teacher and wounded two classmates, representatives from the National Rifle Association pushed for all teachers around the country to keep a loaded gun pointed at their classes throughout the school day. “The only way to ensure safety in our schools is to make sure teachers hold fully loaded firearms at students from the moment they walk into the classroom until the moment they leave,” said NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre, explaining that educators should, at the very least, point one 9mm semiautomatic pistol at the class while also keeping a concealed .357 magnum revolver and several spare cartridges of ammo nearby at all times. “If teachers need to write on the board or turn the page of a textbook, they should always use their free hand while keeping the gun at face level of all students and holding one finger firmly on the trigger. Frankly, this is just common sense if we want to prevent these tragedies like Nevada from happening again in the future.” LaPierre added that for maximum security, teachers should give all lessons from underneath their desks while blindly firing a semiautomatic M4 carbine assault rifle in all directions.
Starbucks Opens First Teahouse, Plans 1,000 More #~# Starbucks opened a teahouse in Manhattan that serves a variety of teas and food items, the first of what it hopes will be 1,000 such stores across the United States. What do you think?
CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO #~# NEW YORK—Though today he holds a powerful position as head of a leading information technology firm, MergeMedia CEO Gary Lightman told reporters Thursday he, amazingly, worked his way to the very top of the company from humble beginnings as the son of the previous CEO. “A lot of people are surprised when I tell them I started out as a lowly senior vice president right out of college, but it’s true,” said Lightman, 37, who stressed that he had to work every angle to get to where he is today, including being born to the head of the company, being raised by the head of the company, going to the same prestigious business school as the head of company on a legacy scholarship, and being hired at age 22 for a management-level position by the head of the company. “Believe me, I had to sit through a lot of board meetings to get where I am today. If you’d asked me a few years ago if I’d one day be CEO of my dad’s company, I would have said, absolutely not this soon. I thought for sure I’d have to spend a year or two as COO before I made it to the top.” Lightman added that he plans to hold on to his current job until MergeMedia can no longer afford to pay his seven-figure salary, at which point he looks forward to transitioning into retirement.
Josh Freeman Takes On Leadership Role To Help Vikings Find Franchise Quarterback #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Having just signed the former Buccaneers quarterback at the beginning of October, Vikings head coach Leslie Frazier told reporters Thursday that Josh Freeman has already stepped up as a prominent leader in the team’s search for a franchise quarterback. “Josh has really impressed us with his hard work scouting quarterbacks who could be the face of the franchise for the foreseeable future,” said Frazier, adding that the 25-year-old is always the first to arrive at the team’s practice facility every morning to interview overlooked free agents and often watches game tape of college prospects into the late hours of the night. “We don’t even have to tell him what to do—Josh just instinctively knows where to find all the stats on up-and-coming college quarterbacks around the country and takes it upon himself to identify guys who could potentially lead our offense. He already found a couple of very promising players whom we’re definitely going to pursue in this year’s draft.” An anonymous team source later told reporters that Freeman is also doing “an excellent job” helping the Vikings find a suitable new head coach.
Panicked Newborn Didn’t Realize Breathing Would Be On Apgar Test #~# GORHAM, ME—Shortly after his delivery Thursday at Mercy Gorham Crossing Primary Hospital, a local newborn reportedly panicked upon realizing that his respiratory aptitude would be scored as part of the upcoming Apgar test. “Whoa, whoa, whoa—I knew reflexes and skin tone would be on this thing, but breathing? No one said anything about that,” the visibly anxious infant said of the standardized test administered by physicians immediately after birth. “I can’t believe I’m going to nail the grimace section and fucking fail breathing. I would have stayed in there longer and prepared had I known. I hate tests. I really do.” At press time, the newborn had broken down crying during the Apgar, passing it with flying colors.
Scientists Teach Sign Language To Gorilla-Suit-Wearing Man #~# HILLSBORO, OR—In what is being hailed as a major breakthrough by the scientific community, a team of researchers announced Monday that they had successfully taught American Sign Language to a 43-year-old gorilla-suit-wearing man.
Alumni Magazine Tiptoeing Around Campus Shooting #~# CONROE, TX—Campus sources confirmed the Yateson College alumni magazine The Yateson Voice released its November issue on Tuesday, delicately sidestepping any overt mention of the late August shooting rampage that left six students dead and 23 wounded. “The spirit of renewal is in the air at Yateson this fall, starting with the complete renovation of the second floor of the library,” read the editor’s letter of the magazine, which also featured pieces on the school’s upcoming fall theater production, the library’s newly installed “military-grade” metal detectors, and the new cafeteria dining options. “We’ve also doubled the size of our campus police and vastly expanded our mental health services, each improvement part of our plan to make Yateson better than ever!” The magazine also reportedly features over 550 uses of the word “safe.”
Eric Clapton Wows Audience With Even Slower Version Of ‘Layla’ #~# DULUTH, GA—Debuting yet another arrangement of the classic song Wednesday night, singer-guitarist Eric Clapton reportedly treated a sold-out crowd at the Gwinnett Center to an even slower, somehow mellower acoustic version of his original 1971 hit “Layla.” “When he played those first 45-second-long notes of the opening riff, that was when everyone recognized it as ‘Layla’ and just went nuts,” concertgoer Leslie Friedrich said of the 87-minute rendition, which according to listeners featured three eight-minute choruses and a half-hour jazzy piano interlude before concluding with a lengthy fadeout. “I heard those brushed drums and glacial tempo and my jaw dropped. I was like, ‘Wow, he actually managed to come up with a more lethargic and neutered acoustic jazz-blues version of “Layla” than ever before! How did he pull it off?’” Sources confirmed Clapton followed “Layla” up with a vigorous, electric double-time version of “Tears In Heaven.”
Microsoft Testing Google Glass Competitor #~# According to an unnamed source, Microsoft is testing a wearable computer with an eyewear interface similar to Google’s highly anticipated Google Glass device. What do you think?
Martha and Lawrence Krebsbach #~# Having spent nearly every moment of their 61-year marriage together, Martha and Lawrence Krebsbach, both 83, died within minutes of each other, because that’s what usually happens when you flip a Camaro.
Cardinals vs. Red Sox #~# The St. Louis Cardinals and the Boston Red Sox face off in the World Series, vying for the 22nd most important title in professional sports. Onion Sports looks at what each team must do to win.
Ah, To Be Young, Rich, White, Male, College-Educated, Straight, And In Love #~# I may be getting on in years, but I still consider myself a bit of a romantic. Why, just today, I was strolling through the park when I happened to spy a young, upper-class, straight male Caucasian sharing a kiss with his beloved, and I tell you, my heart nearly skipped a beat. The very sight of it filled me with a deep yearning and sense of elation that stirred this old man to his core. And I thought to myself, “Ah, to be young, wealthy, white, male, college-educated, heterosexual, and in love!”
Massive Asteroid Could Hit Earth In 2032 #~# Ukrainian scientists identified a 1,300-foot wide asteroid, large enough to potentially wipe out human civilization, that they projected would strike the planet in 2032, though NASA’s calculations place the likelihood of an impact at one in 48,000. What do you think?
ESPN Has Been Talking About Beards For 80 Straight Hours #~# BRISTOL, CT—As part of their 2013 World Series preview, ESPN, the world’s largest sports broadcast network, has been airing content about Red Sox players’ beards, their beard lengths, and the itchiness of their unkempt beards for 80 hours straight, sources confirmed Wednesday. “The Red Sox players have grown very big beards, and this is a story that needs to be told all day, every day, morning, noon, and night,” said Senior Vice President of Programming Rick Berry, adding that for the foreseeable future, all broadcast time on ESPN and its sister networks will be filled with comparisons of one Red Sox player’s beard to another’s, humorous anecdotes about who on the team is unable to grow a full beard, and interviews with baseball analysts about when and why the members of the Red Sox decided to grow their beards. “Tonight On ESPN2 we will be airing Outside The Lines: Beards, after which ESPN viewers can watch Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser do an all-beard edition of PTI. And then, instead of the Celtics-Nets preseason game, we’re just going to air a previously recorded interview with Mike Napoli where we ask him about his beard for two and a half hours. ESPN is covering this beard situation from all angles.” When asked if ESPN cameras will be present if and when Red Sox players decide to shave their beards, Berry said, “You better fucking believe it.”
Report: ChicagoTheBand.com Most Visited Site On The Internet #~# SAN FRANCISCO—With its massive and fiercely loyal user base, ChicagoTheBand.com—the official Internet home of the American music group Chicago—remains the most frequently visited website in the world, tech industry experts confirmed Wednesday.
5-Year-Old Reluctantly Lets Crying Mom Sleep In His Bed Again #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Telling himself it was the last time he would let her do so, area 5-year-old Adrien Hughes once again agreed to let his crying mother, Rachel, sleep in his bed last night, sources confirmed Wednesday morning. “All right, come on, get in,” said the exhausted child, who reportedly proceeded to rub the 37-year-old’s back while assuring her that she was okay and everything was going to be fine. “I’m right here, see? I’m right here next to you. There’s nothing to be afraid of, Mom. You were just having a bad night. Let’s go to sleep now.” Hughes later admitted he was also concerned to see his mother still drinking from her bottle.
Police Investigate Reports Of Local Gay Man Being Dragged Behind Boat #~# NORWOOD, NC—Law enforcement officials investigated a disturbance Sunday afternoon following reports of a screaming gay man being dragged across a lake behind a boat. “We received multiple accounts of two male suspects forcefully pulling a young gay man behind their motorboat at high speeds,” said Sgt. Michael Bosch of the Norwood Police Department, who noted that people on shore observed the gay man frantically waving and shouting the entire time he was yanked through the water by a 75-foot length of rope. “Witnesses indicated that the two suspects appeared to enjoy putting the gay man through this ordeal, even laughing out loud at him when he yelled that they were going too fast.” Sources further confirmed that any time the gay man became disconnected from the boat, the two men quickly reattached him so they could continue dragging him across the lake.
BREAKING: Drunk Teen Going 100 MPH Down Slick Highway Is Invincible #~# PALMDALE, CA—With one hand on the wheel and the other turning up a radio blasting Black Flag’s “Rise Above,” the drunk 17-year-old currently driving a convertible at 100 miles per hour down a slippery patch of California State Route 138 is utterly invincible, sources have confirmed. “Nothing can stop me—I’m going to live forever!” slurred the fast-living, indestructible teen, swerving his father’s BMW through the torrential rain and accelerating down the winding mountain highway. “I’ll be young forever, too. ’Cause I play by my own set of rules.” The immortal being then reportedly sneered as he locked eyes with his own reflection in the rearview mirror, pressed harder on the gas, and approached a sharp bend in the road.
Family Braces As Autistic Son Discovers Amtrak’s ‘Track A Train’ Webpage #~# TULSA, OK—Just days after learning that the 8-year-old had thankfully moved on from a website compiling all professional baseball statistics since 1871, the local McKinsdale family reportedly braced themselves as autistic son Brendan discovered Amtrak.com’s “Track a Train” page. “Oh, God, he’s going to be on there for hours and hours at a time,” said mother Barbara McKinsdale, wincing upon learning that the site has an interactive graphic, which provides maps, timetables, and real-time, 24-hour updates on the progress of more than 300 trains traversing some 21,300 miles of track. “All we can do now is prepare ourselves to hear about how the 8:03 from Penn Station to Chicago is running 14 minutes late, or how the local train from Washington to Philadelphia is $59.36 cheaper than the express, but takes an extra 27 minutes to arrive. This is going to be rough.” Household sources later confirmed that Brendan had just spent the past half hour zoomed in on Milwaukee and hitting his browser’s refresh button every three seconds.
Ronald Crandall #~# Ronald Crandall, 44, passed away last weekend while practicing his beloved hobby of amateur high-voltage transmission wire repair.
75% Of Breast Milk Bought Online Contaminated #~# A study found that three quarters of human breast milk samples purchased from the online site Only the Breast, an exchange service for mothers, were contaminated with levels of bacteria that could sicken a child, including salmonella and traces of feces. What do you think?
Teen Wolfe #~# MTV
Unfinished Basement Has Weird Feeling About Way Woman Looking At It #~# FRESNO, CA—A local unfinished basement confirmed this week that the way homeowner Shelley Thomason has been eyeing it lately has caused it to feel deeply uneasy. “Every time she walks down the stairs, she always stops and gives me this look like she’s planning something, it’s really making me uncomfortable,” said the 900-square-foot ground-level area, which also reported that various sightings of Thomason carrying home unknown products in an orange Home Depot bucket had given it a sinking feeling of dread. “Whatever she’s thinking, I don’t see any way I’m going to make it out of this looking anything like I do now. Why is she carrying that velvet curtain down here now? Oh man, what does she want with me?” At press time, the basement was trying to calm down by convincing itself that even if Thomason tried to pull off some kind of DIY renovation project, she wouldn’t have what it takes to carry out the act.
Poll: 63% Of Americans Want Boehner Out Of Office #~# A poll conducted after the government reopened found that nearly two-thirds of Americans want House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) ousted from his position, including almost half of Republican respondents. What do you think?
Weird Man Begins Every Morning By Dousing His Naked Body In Water #~# NEW YORK—In what sources confirmed Tuesday was an absolutely bizarre and puzzling routine, area eccentric Robert Szypko reportedly spends each morning stripping entirely naked, stepping into a porcelain tub, and then dousing his body in warm water for up to 10 minutes straight. After inexplicably drenching his nude form in gallons of water, the New York–area oddball then reportedly smears chemicals of various colors and consistencies all over his genitals, underarms, and hair in a progressively more mystifying display that culminates with himself covered in a thick layer of white foam. Numerous reports found that the strangest aspect of Szypko’s behavior, by some measure, was his insistence on letting this coating of white foam wash away, stepping out of the tub, and then vigorously wiping a section of absorbent fabric all over his body—still naked, readers are reminded. Szypko reportedly concludes his utterly baffling morning custom by returning to the room where he sleeps to drape pieces of colored cloth over every segment of his body except for his face and hands, which he insists, bizarrely, remain naked.
Dead Grandfather Still Talking About Ebbets Field #~# FLUSHING, NY—A full eight years following his fatal heart attack, deceased grandfather Martin Whitley continues to talk about Ebbets Field and his experiences at the demolished New York ballpark, individuals close to the dead man confirmed Tuesday. “Every time we go to Grandpa’s grave to pay our respects, you can still hear him down there going on and on about his memories of taking the subway down to Prospect Park to see the Brooklyn Dodgers, and how there’ll never be another stadium like that ever again,” said Whitley’s grandson David, telling reporters that despite having been dead and buried for nearly a decade, his grandfather continues to reminisce fondly about Jackie Robinson, the Dodgers’ 1955 World Series win, and “good ol’ [former play-by-play announcer] Red [Barber].” “Anyone who gets within 30 feet of his burial plot can hear his muffled voice complaining about how it absolutely broke his heart when they tore down that beautiful ballpark to put up a bunch of lousy apartment buildings.” At press time, the dead man was informing reporters that “they just don’t make ’em like Leo Durocher anymore.”
You Meet The Most Interesting People Kicking Open Random Bathroom Stalls #~# I’ll admit it: I love striking up conversations with strangers. I’ll talk to people in line at the grocery store, on street corners, in airplanes, or even while lifting weights at the gym. But the most unique ones, the folks who never fail to fascinate, are the ones I’ve met after violently kicking open their stall doors while they’re going to the bathroom.
Peyton Manning Takes Advantage Of Indianapolis Trip To Visit Wife, Children #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Taking advantage of his team’s recent road game against the Indianapolis Colts over the weekend, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning reportedly used the opportunity to visit with his wife and children, sources confirmed today. “I hadn’t seen Ashley and the kids since I signed with Denver in the spring of 2012, so I figured I would stop by the old place and check in,” said the 12-time Pro Bowler and former Colts play caller, adding that he managed to fit in a 15-minute stopover with his family at their Indianapolis-area home before heading to Lucas Oil Stadium on Sunday. “It seems like they’re all doing pretty well, which is good. Marshall and Mosley really grew a lot. I guess they’re getting older.” Though Manning expressed regret at having to leave his family and return to Denver, the four-time MVP told reporters that he hopes to get the chance to visit them again should the Broncos come back to town for the AFC Championship game.
GOP Announces Plan To Go After Obamacare #~# WASHINGTON—In a strategic announcement that has reportedly left Beltway observers both shocked and stunned, Republican lawmakers revealed Monday that they were planning to go after Obamacare.  “This may surprise many Americans, but myself and my colleagues do not like Obamacare and have been planning to gut the bill for quite some time,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, adding that one of the GOP’s strategies going forward will be to attack those politicians who voted for and supported Obamacare, including the president himself. “I won’t say that we’ll use the upcoming debt ceiling increase as leverage to repeal the law, but let’s just say everything is on the table. The gloves are coming off.” Washington officials later confirmed that Democratic leaders would soon announce their plans to defend Obamacare.
Apple’s Plans To Revive Its Innovative Image #~# In recent months, Apple has faced mounting criticism that it is no longer an innovative brand, and just last week the company was forced to cut orders of its plastic-encased iPhone 5C due to lack of demand. Here are Apple’s ideas for reviving its image as the most cutting-edge company in the tech industry:
Fan Has $100K Of Surgery To Look Like Justin Bieber #~# Los Angeles resident Toby Sheldon, 33, has spent $100,000 on various cosmetic procedures—including hair transplants, eyelid surgery, a chin reduction, and Botox injections—to make himself look like 19-year-old pop sensation Justin Bieber. What do you think?
First-Generation Immigrant Couple Still Adjusting To Life Of Being Featured In Son’s Standup Routines #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—The parents of local comedian Nick Maropoulos admitted this week that they are still adjusting to their new lives as first-generation American immigrants who are regularly featured in their son’s standup comedy sets. “It’s kind of strange being in a new country, learning all the customs, and hearing intimate details from your personal life used as source material in a comedy routine, but it’s just something we’re getting used to,” said Maropoulos’ father, Spiros, who along with his wife, Eleni, has slowly grown accustomed to hearing their struggles as strangers in a foreign land routinely exploited for laughs in their son’s televised comedy specials. “I mean, we came to this country to build a better life for ourselves and for our family so that our children could pursue their dreams, whatever they may be. But it takes time to assimilate and adjust to the fact that our son’s dream involves sharing our language struggles with a live audience that finds them hilarious.” Spiros Maropoulos went on to say that he could think of no greater tribute to the generations of Maropolouses who came before him than to see his family’s heritage and traditions joked about for a crowd of drunk 25-year-olds in a comedy club.
Anne Hathaway Tormented By 14-Year-Old Bully #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling the teen’s behavior “ruthless” and “out of control,” Oscar-winning actress Anne Hathaway confirmed to reporters today that for the past few months she has been routinely and viciously bullied both in person and across a wide variety of social media by 14-year-old Jenny Schroeder.
New, Improved Obamacare Program Released On 35 Floppy Disks #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread criticism regarding its health care website, the federal government today unveiled its new, improved Obamacare program, which allows Americans to purchase health insurance after installing a software bundle contained on 35 floppy disks. “I have heard the complaints about the existing website, and I can assure you that with this revised system, finding the right health care option for you and your family is as easy as loading 35 floppy disks sequentially into your disk drive and following the onscreen prompts,” President Obama told reporters this morning, explaining that the nearly three dozen 3.5-inch diskettes contain all the data needed for individuals to enroll in the Health Insurance Marketplace, while noting that the updated Obamacare software is mouse-compatible and requires a 386 Pentium processor with at least 8 MB of system RAM to function properly. “Just fire up MS-DOS, enter ‘A:\>dir *.exe’ into the command line, and then follow the instructions to install the Obamacare batch files—it should only take four or five hours at the most. You can press F1 for help if you run into any problems. And be sure your monitor’s screen resolution is at 320 x 200 or it might not display properly.” Obama added that the federal government hopes to have a six–CD-ROM version of the program available by 2016.
Mom Breaks Into Son’s Apartment At Night To Administer 2013 Flu Vaccine #~# EXETER, RI—After leaving multiple phone and email messages reminding her son Josh, 28, to schedule an appointment with his doctor for his seasonal flu shot, area mom Kathleen Warner broke into his apartment in the dead of night Sunday and administered the 2013 flu vaccine herself, sources reported. “I warned you,” the 58-year-old woman reportedly whispered to her son through a black ski mask as she flicked the tip of the needle, pumped the syringe two times, and jabbed it into his arm. “I told you to schedule an appointment with your primary care physician. I even sent you a list of local flu clinics in your area. But you wouldn’t listen. Now we’re doing things my way.” Sources confirmed that after administering the vaccine and exiting her son’s room, Warner quickly tidied up the bathroom before slipping out the back door.
Redskins’ Kike Owner Refuses To Change Team’s Offensive Name #~# WASHINGTON—Denying widespread claims that the franchise is being offensive or disrespectful, the Washington Redskins’ kike owner announced Monday that he remains steadfast in his refusal to change the team’s derogatory name. “The Redskins represent 81 years of great history and tradition, and it’s a source of pride for our fans,” said the hook-nosed kike, stressing that the team’s insulting moniker is “absolutely not a racial slur by any means.” “‘Washington Redskins’ is much more than just a name. It stands for strength, courage, and respect—the very values that are so intrinsic to Native American culture.” The shifty-eyed hebe went on to assure fans that he will do “everything in his power” to preserve the team’s proud heritage.
New Book Claims Robert Kennedy Stole JFK’s Brain #~# According to a new book, President John F. Kennedy’s brain was placed in a container and stored in the National Archives after his assassination, though it was discovered in 1966 that the brain was missing, with signs pointing to his brother Robert Kennedy as the culprit. What do you think?
NFL Week Seven Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the seventh week of the NFL season:
Tim Duncan Urges Teammates To Be Patient With Frequent-Flyer Miles #~# ‘It’s Best To Build Them Up For One Big Trip,’ All-Star Says
New Study Finds Human Beings Were Never Meant To Wake Up From Sleep #~# BOSTON—According to a new study published in The New England Journal Of Medicine this week, human beings were never meant to wake up after falling asleep, but were rather supposed to remain in a deep, peaceful slumber until eventually expiring. “Our research team of evolutionary biologists conducted an extensive and thorough examination of human physiology, past and present, and determined that human beings were, in their ideal state, supposed to be born, spend a solid 12 hours awake as an infant, and then lie down for a tranquil, dream-filled sleep from which they would then not awaken,” lead researcher Dennis Zeveloff said of the findings, which also suggest that life for early man was not supposed to last longer than one day. “Eventually, after spending three or four weeks lying comfortably in bed, humans were meant to just slide directly into death. In fact, the truly optimal state toward which human evolution aspired was for all individuals to succumb to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome almost instantly after exiting the womb.” The study concluded that, based on these findings, coma patients should be considered among the most highly evolved humans on the planet.
Cincinnati At Pittsburgh #~# Fox
Scientist: Yetis Real, Related To Polar Bears #~# According to a geneticist, DNA collected from two pelts, which Himalayan residents believe to be those of yetis, matched DNA from a species of ancient polar bear, with the scientist positing that yetis exist and are likely a hybrid form of polar bear and brown bear. What do you think?
Dead Hamster Feels Its Life Has Been Properly Honored By Shoebox Coffin #~# EUGENE, OR—Recently deceased hamster Muffin announced today that he was quite pleased with the cardboard box his corpse was placed in before being buried in the backyard, saying that it is a “truly fitting memorial to [his] life.” “Honestly, I cannot think of a more proper way to honor my legacy on this earth than this 11.5-by-7-inch cardboard shoebox,” said the rodent of the DSW shoebox in which his lifeless body was placed and buried near the back fence. “If anything, I only worry that I perhaps did not fully deserve a monument quite so grand and so lavish as this shoebox, but nonetheless, I am deeply touched and honored by this stirring testament of my former owner’s love and devotion.” At press time, Muffin’s owner reportedly stopped at DSW to pick up another pair of shoes on his way home from the pet store “just in case.”
Schrödinger’s House #~# Has radioactive decay tripped the mechanism that sends the hammer swinging, smashing the vial of poison and killing the cat that resides inside, or does the cat still live? Buy this house and find out!
Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks #~# OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games:
Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay #~# A man reportedly attacked Michael Bay on the set of Transformers 4 in Hong Kong by swinging an air conditioning unit at Bay’s head, though the director was able to avoid serious injury by ducking and then wrestling the appliance away from his assailant. What do you think?
God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans #~# THE HEAVENS—Speaking candidly during a rare interview this Thursday, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed to the public that He occasionally eats human beings.
HBO Announces ‘Game Of Thrones’ Not Coming Back This Weekend #~# NEW YORK—Addressing the show’s legions of passionate fans, HBO executives officially announced Friday that the hit series Game Of Thrones will not be returning for its highly anticipated fourth season this weekend. “For those who have been patiently waiting to find out when the exciting war for the Iron Throne will be coming back, the wait is over—we will not be airing a brand-new episode of the show on Sunday,” said HBO’s president of programming Michael Lombardo, confirming that, if viewers turn on their television Sunday night and tune it to HBO,  the popular adaptation of George R.R. Martin’s A Song Of Ice And Fire fantasy novels would not be on. “I would also like to announce that the thrilling new season premiere of Game Of Thrones will not be on next weekend either. Or the weekend after that. Goodbye.” Lombardo did confirm, however, that the award-winning series The Newsroom would be returning this Sunday with three new episodes.
Entire Office Clamoring To Be Introduced To Coworker's Parents #~# CHANDLER, AZ—Nearly uncontrollable with excitement upon learning that coworker Drew Nieman’s parents were visiting, employees at local analytics firm Marvell Technology eagerly jockeyed for a chance to meet the 60-year-old couple, sources confirmed Friday. “I want to talk to them first!” said Isabel Strause, 29, adding that she “truly, deeply hoped” Nieman would introduce each of his coworkers by name, briefly summarize their role in the office, and make them say hello to his mother and father individually. “There’s so much I can’t wait to say to them. I can ask how their trip was, where they’re staying—oh, and I can tell them I enjoy working with their son! I’m just so giddy right now. This is such a welcome and wonderful distraction from the actual work I ought to be doing.” Coworkers later confirmed that in return for generously introducing everyone to his parents, Nieman more than deserved to take off early and show them around town.
Unnerving Adidas Commercial Just Features Derrick Rose Sitting #~# CHICAGO—Striking a different tone from previous ads for the sportswear company, a disturbing new Adidas commercial features Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose just sitting still in a dimmed arena, sources confirmed Friday. The unsettling 30-second spot reportedly begins with a wide shot of a basketball arena before slowly zooming in on Rose, totally motionless, sitting courtside and staring at the camera with a blank expression on his face. Viewers noted that at one point the 25-year-old star seems to grimace slightly, and confirmed that the commercial ends with an extreme close-up on Rose, who closes his eyes just before a cut to a black screen displaying a white Adidas logo and the text “#drose2015.”
Clemson Athletic Director Rips Into Player Who Isn’t Putting Academics First #~# CLEMSON, SC—Sources have confirmed that following a review of the latest academic progress reports, Clemson athletics director Dan Radakovich tore into an unnamed member of the Tigers football team yesterday for not putting education first. “Look, son, you are a student-athlete here, and the student comes first,” Radakovich told the 310-pound man, adding that he doesn’t give a damn how much money the football team brings in each year. “When our boosters fund your scholarship, they expect to see you show up every Tuesday and Thursday for lecture and take advantage of all this university has to offer, got it? You think we care about our number of wins, some rivalry game, or our school’s profile? No. We care about your education.” Radakovich reportedly concluded by informing the player that everyone will be pulling for him this weekend as he studies for Monday’s midterm.
Greatest Sports Rivalries #~# Approaching a weekend schedule full of heated rivals facing off on the gridiron, Onion Sports breaks down the most storied rivalries in the athletic world:
Flesh-Eating Drug Krokodil Catches On In U.S. #~# Several people in the U.S. have been hospitalized following their apparent use of the highly addictive injectable street drug known as krokodil, which is popular in Eastern Europe and which experts say rots users’ flesh from the inside out. What do you think?
Man Craving Some Kind Of Human Connection That Would Let Him Know He’s Not Alone In This World, Sliders #~# CINCINNATI—Feeling adrift and without purpose in life, 31-year-old Brian Dillon announced Tuesday night an intense and all-consuming craving for someone—anyone—he could connect with on a deep, genuine, and personal level, and also some small cheeseburgers. “Sometimes I feel utterly alone, so small in this vast universe, so devoid of contact that I hunger for but a fleeting feeling of intimacy, for a companion who would mourn me when I’m gone, for the touch of one who truly cares, and also for some sliders too, if possible,” said Dillon, who said his heart yearns only for the sweet succor of friendship, love, miniature sliders from White Castle, and affection. “I just want someone to care about me and to tell me my life has meaning, and I could also go for a side of fries and a soft drink.” At press time, Dillon clarified that it didn’t matter whether the relationship was romantic or platonic, or what toppings the sliders had, as long as it was something real he could hold onto in this world of heartbreak and sorrow.
Government Reopens #~# With the United States just hours from hitting the debt ceiling, the House of Representatives voted to pass a bipartisan spending bill drafted in the Senate, funding the government until Jan. 15 and raising the debt ceiling until Feb. 7. What do you think?
Child Sees No Reason Why Iron Man Costume Can’t Be Worn To Grandfather’s Funeral #~# SAUGUS, MA—Arguing that he had been allowed to wear it in the past, local youth Andrew Robillard protested a parental edict barring his Iron Man costume from the upcoming funeral of his late grandfather. “I wanna wear my Iron Man costume,” said an outraged Robillard, 6, of the $20 superhero outfit purchased from Target last October. “Iron Man is awesome and I wanna wear it.” A further 10 minutes of pro–Iron Man rhetoric touched upon several of his greatest adventures and the coolest elements of his design. At press time, Andrew was willing to compromise on a jacket and tie if permitted to bring his Arctic Shock Super Soaker.
Boehner Hoping To Remain Leader Of Republican Parties #~# WASHINGTON—After a 16-day-long government shutdown and a nearly averted financial crisis that left them with their lowest poll numbers in recent memory, Speaker of the House John Boehner told reporters Thursday that he hopes to remain the leader of the Republican Parties up until the 2014 midterm election and beyond. “It is my strong belief that the Republican Parties will remain the majority, especially in the House, for quite some time,” said Boehner, adding that it is an honor to serve as his parties’ standard-bearer. “In fact, I expect the GOPs to come back from this stronger and even more unified, and I hope to be at the forefront of that charge.” Boehner said his job would not be complete until a Republican from either Republican Party is once again in the White House.
Republicans Give In Right Before Obamacare Would Have Been Repealed #~# WASHINGTON—After Republican lawmakers reached a last-minute agreement Wednesday night to end the government shutdown and raise the debt ceiling, sources confirmed today that the GOP yielded its fight against Obamacare mere moments before the president was about to cave and repeal the entire law. “Whew! That was a close one,” President Obama told reporters, admitting that literally seconds before he would have put pen to paper on an executive order to fully defund and eliminate the Affordable Care Act, he received a phone call informing him that House Speaker John Boehner had agreed to back down from the shutdown stalemate. “The GOP really had our backs up against the wall on this one, and to be honest I was definitely about to blink first. I sure as hell didn’t want to be the president who oversaw the first default in our country’s history, and I thought the Republicans knew that. If they would have just held out a little longer—I’m talking two, three seconds—they would have gotten everything they wanted. They seriously held all the cards here.” The president said that if House Republicans threaten to use the same tactics with the debt ceiling this February, he’ll probably just repeal Obamacare immediately.
Distressed Michael Vick Urges Creation Of Some Sort Of Dog Fighters Anonymous Support Group #~# PHILADELPHIA—Speaking at a press conference Thursday about the “sickening compulsion,” a visibly distraught Michael Vick called for the creation of an anonymous support group for those who are addicted to dog fighting. “There needs to be some sort of system in place to help people who barely resist strong desires to visit dog fighting rings and still find themselves looking up pit bull adoptions on the internet at 3 a.m.,” said the Eagles quarterback, explaining that, ideally, the group would hold weekly meetings with other recovering addicts and provide some kind of 24-7 hotline that one could call when facing an irresistible impulse to drive to a nearby friend’s house and bet thousands of dollars on a dog fight. “The most important thing is that the identities of the group’s members would never, ever be disclosed to the public so they can be comfortable openly talking about their addictions. Trust me, some people stay awake all night before a big game imagining two Rottweilers fighting to the death in their basement, and they just need someone to say, ‘Hey, that’s wrong, so don’t do it.’” Vick added that there is a “desperate need” for the formation of such a group by this Saturday evening.
There’s Going To Be A New Alpha Male In The Office When My Coworkers Hear About The Baby Deer I Saw #~# I’ll admit it: I’m not necessarily at the top of this office’s totem pole. To be perfectly honest, I don’t have a towering presence that influences others and commands respect. People never consider me an authority or expect me to make decisions. In fact, I can’t even remember a time when I took control of a situation. But pretty soon all of that’s going to change. Because the minute my coworkers hear about the adorable baby deer I saw this weekend while driving out in the countryside, there’s going to be a new top dog in this place.
Nude Biden Wakes Up On Cold Slab In D.C. Morgue #~# WASHINGTON—Disoriented and “freezing his goddamn nuts off,” a naked Vice President Joe Biden reportedly awoke Thursday morning on an autopsy table in the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner, White House sources confirmed.
Moose Dying Off Across North America #~# Moose populations are falling sharply across Canada and the northern United States, and while scientists do not have a specific explanation as to why, most suspect that climate change is to blame. What do you think?
Just What You Should Want #~# Beautiful house in an upscale neighborhood with four bedrooms, modern kitchen, walk-in closets, and absolutely no bathrooms where vile, disgusting acts could be performed.
Oreos As Addictive As Cocaine Among Rats #~# A recent study from Connecticut College found that more neurons were activated in the “pleasure center” of lab rats’ brains when they ate Oreos than when they were exposed to morphine or cocaine. What do you think?
Report: You Live In An Embarrassing Country #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new report published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center, you live in a deeply embarrassing and barely functional country. “Our latest research and statistical analysis shows that you are currently the citizen of an objectively humiliating nation wreathed in a miasma of pettiness, sloth, rank stupidity, and failure,” the report read in part, adding that this—this goddamned disgrace of a culture and system of government, if that’s what you call whatever the hell this is—is where you live, where you are from, and where you will likely die. “Decline and dysfunction are currently the first things people across the world think of when they hear the name of your place of origin, and, by association, these are the first words that would come to mind when they think of you as well.” The report concluded that there isn’t a whole hell of a lot you can do about it either.
Obama Announces Start Of Annual D.C. Spooktacular #~# WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation from a candlelit and cobweb-strewn Oval Office, President Barack Obama, wearing a black cape and plastic fangs, emerged from a cloud of dry ice Tuesday night to announce the official opening of Washington, D.C.’s annual Spooktacular.
Heroic Broken Sewage Pipe Floods Congress With Human Waste #~# WASHINGTON—Calling the busted cylinder a national hero, sources confirmed Wednesday that a sewer pipe in the U.S. Capitol building valiantly burst open, pouring more than 1.5 million gallons of raw sewage into Congress and flooding the Senate and House of Representatives with human excrement, sludge, and wastewater. “Someone or something had to step up and fight for the American people, and when I heard that explosion and then saw congressman after congressman get swept up by a massive wave of feces and urine, I knew that sewage pipe had done something truly brave and extraordinary,” said one congressional source, adding the pipe’s heroics were evident from the outset when the initial explosion splattered Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) with wadded-up toilet paper, sanitary napkins, vomit, and cholera-containing pathogens. “Harry Reid must have guzzled down at least three thermosfuls of this brownish slop, and John Boehner was covered in human offal. Every Tea Party Republican, including Michele Bachmann and Steve King, had so much fecal matter on them that all you could see were the parts of their eyes where they wiped it away. They were all in one corner throwing up and dry heaving because of how putrid the smell was. This cracked sewage pipe deserves the Medal of Honor.” At press time, nobody was trying to fix the pipe.
Thursday Cry Moved Up To Wednesday Due To Scheduling Conflict #~# BEVERLY, MA—Sources say that after an important work meeting was added to the usually free block of time she sets aside each Thursday to privately weep, Visor Solutions’ West Coast sales director Nina Caldwell moved her usual Thursday cry up to Wednesday morning to account for the scheduling conflict. “Our morning meeting ended early today, so luckily there was a safe 20-minute window that I could set aside for the long, hard cry I’d typically have tomorrow after checking in with [East Coast sales director] Ryan,” said the 32-year-old professional, who alternately whimpers, sobs, and outright bawls in a remote, soundproof room designated for conference calls every Thursday from 11 a.m. until 11:13 a.m. “I need about 10 minutes to unleash, three to pull myself together, and then another four or so to go to the bathroom and clean up my face. Thursdays are ideal because there’s enough pent-up frustrations from the week to fuel an extended cry, but Wednesdays work too.” Caldwell added that she had considered allotting 20 minutes of her lunch hour to crying, but ultimately decided against it as she didn’t want to eat into the time she dedicates to stressing out about money.
Haunted Corn Maze Owner Has Another Conversation With Zombie No. 2 About Not Touching #~# MALTA, IL—After receiving several complaints from patrons regarding unwanted touching in the haunted corn maze attraction, Jonamac Orchard owner Stuart Parrish reportedly sat down with the actor portraying Zombie No. 2 for a second conversation about the maze’s no-contact policy. “Look, Dan, I don’t care if that’s what a real zombie would do—haunters can’t touch the guests, period,” Parrish told the 36-year-old seasonal employee, adding that “you can get in their face, you can run at and around them, but there just can’t be hands-on contact.” “I hear you. We want this to be a scary experience. But I gave two refunds this weekend to guests who said they felt endangered. I appreciate your enthusiasm, but this is a family attraction, and you have to respect that.” Parrish added that he had to be especially vigilant after last year’s corn maze debacle, when he fired the Wolfman over allegations that he exposed himself.
Muslim Man Figured Trip To Mecca Would Be A Lot More Life-Changing #~# MECCA—Speaking to reporters after traveling to the Muslim holy city of Mecca and completing his five-day hajj pilgrimage, 38-year-old Toronto resident Imad Marikh expressed his surprise and disappointment Wednesday that he didn’t find the experience to be more transformative.
Bruce Willis Seriously Considering Doing More Films #~# ‘I’ve Been In Many Movies, But I’m Willing To Appear In More,’ Says Willis
Man Points Out Town Where He Threw Up #~# YPSILANTI, MI—Stressing that the place has changed a lot since he was throwing up, local cashier Dwayne Rosten excitedly showed his friends the area where he threw up while driving past the neighborhood Saturday afternoon. “There! That’s the exact street where I threw up,” a nostalgic Rosten told his passengers while passing through the Rawsonville neighborhood of Ypsilanti. “That blue house is the house I threw up in. Nothing fancy, but a great place to throw up, you know?” Rosten later cruised by the high school where he “did a lot of throwing up in just four years.”
Sports Fan Has Opinion #~# INDIANAPOLIS—A local sports fan has an opinion about sports, sources confirmed Wednesday. According to individuals close to the situation, area man Justin Donnelly, a self-described sports “diehard,” is currently airing his thoughts on a number of issues relating to sports, including the positive qualities of his favorite sports teams, the negative qualities of those teams he dislikes, and his predictions for several upcoming sports matchups. Donnelly, who in the past has communicated his viewpoints on sports to friends, family members, coworkers, as well as complete strangers on internet websites devoted to sports, is reportedly vocalizing his beliefs with passion. Several reports indicate that sports such as football, baseball, basketball, and others are important to Donnelly. Sources confirmed the sports fan enjoys sports very much. At press time, Donnelly was reportedly disagreeing with another sports fan expressing a differing opinion about sports.
Elderly Woman Unknowingly Lived With 20,000 Bees #~# Saying she didn’t notice any buzzing or see any bees flying around outside, a 98-year-old Florida woman was shocked to discover more than 20,000 bees living in her attic, as well as numerous rats and squirrels that had been attracted by the large amounts of honey. What do you think?
Guinness World Records Promotes Man Who Can Lift 27 Pounds With Tongue To Editor-In-Chief #~# LONDON—Citing the man’s remarkable ability to lift 27.56 pounds using only his tongue, executives at Guinness World Records on Tuesday officially named creative vice president Thomas Blackthorne as the reference book’s new editor-in-chief. “There were many qualified candidates—from our 2-foot-tall media director Jyoti Amge to our fact checker, the world’s largest pumpkin—but ultimately Thomas showed he wanted the job most,” said outgoing editor Craig Glenday, explaining that while the executive board was quite impressed by managing editor Mitsugu Kikai’s large collection of Super Mario memorabilia and publisher Lee Redmond’s 3-foot fingernails, Blackthorne was the only candidate who lifted 27 pounds and 8.96 ounces entirely with his tongue. “After seeing him distinguish himself from an exceptional applicant pool that included the fastest-ever person to enter a zipped suitcase, a crowd of 2,219 people simultaneously doing the Macarena, and a man who crushed 43 watermelons with his forehead in one minute, we are fully confident Thomas is the man to lead our organization into the future.” Blackthorne’s former duties as creative vice president will reportedly be handled by Peter O’Toole, recipient of the most Best Actor Oscar nominations without a win.
Serial Killer Thinking Of Interesting Ways To Incorporate Social Media #~# OLYMPIA, WA—Citing a need to stand out from the crowd and further his brand, local serial killer Peter Guiles told reporters Tuesday that he has been working on several new and exciting social media strategies as a means to promote himself and his future slayings.
Nation Could Probably Draw John Boehner From Memory At This Point #~# WASHINGTON—With the government shutdown entering its third week, citizens across the nation confirmed Tuesday that “while it’s unfortunate,” House Speaker John Boehner’s image has now become such a prominent part of their day-to-day existence that they could more than likely draw the high-ranking Republican from memory. “First, I would sketch out his sort of square-shaped face, and then I would pencil in the three, no, four wrinkles that run across his forehead,” said 34-year-old Topeka resident Peter Eckhart, whose eyes were closed as he pulled from a mental impression of Boehner that has been seared into his brain after weeks upon weeks of press conferences, news articles, and television appearances. “Pink tie; gray-blue eyes that look tired and glassy; short, thin brown hair with an M-shaped hairline; Slight double chin. You can draw him pointing or not pointing. Pointing if he’s calling on a reporter. Don’t forget the deep wrinkle next to his right eyebrow, and a really defined indent between his lips and nose.” When asked if they could draw House Majority Leader Eric Cantor from memory, U.S. citizens said they couldn’t, and “thank fucking God for that.”
Madonna Banned From Movie Theater For Texting #~# Madonna was kicked out of the Alamo Drafthouse movie theater in New York for texting during the film 12 Years A Slave, with the CEO of the theater chain banning her from any of the company’s locations until she publicly apologizes for her behavior. What do you think?
College Freshman Thinking It Might Be Time To Break Up With His High School Teacher #~# AMHERST, MA—Saying he had entered a new phase in his life and wanted to start with a clean slate, University of Massachusetts freshman Seth Erickson told reporters Tuesday he was seriously considering breaking up with his high school teacher Karen Hull.
Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City #~# NEW YORK—Drenched in drying blood and limping slightly, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg triumphantly stated this morning that the city’s longstanding homeless problem had finally been solved. “Homelessness is over—it’s not a problem anymore,” a winded Bloomberg said to a City Hall press conference while gripping the lectern tightly to prevent his hands from shaking. “I fixed the problem. Problem solved.” When asked by reporters if permanent housing had been provided for the city’s 50,000 homeless, Bloomberg assured them the new lodgings were quite permanent.
Escape Into Escapism With Jean #~# Lend me your eyes, Jeanketeers, because I’m mounting the ol’ soapbox again! Hey, wait—do soapboxes even exist anymore? Well, let’s pretend they do, because I would have a very hard time standing atop a large jug of liquid laundry detergent! LOLOLOLOL! (Finally, I figured out a way to use that soapbox/liquid detergent gem! It sat in my notebook for ages. I’m soooo proud of myself for waiting for an opportunity to use it that wasn’t forced!) Anyhow, being as we are peas in the proverbial pod, I’ll assume you are just as sick to death as I am of all the permissive trash and major bummers that pass for popular entertainment these days.
Broncos’ Perfect Season Ends With Humiliating Win Over Jaguars #~# DENVER—While speaking to members of the media following yesterday’s practice, several Broncos players reportedly took time to reflect on their perfect season ending with Sunday’s humiliating 35-19 win over the Jacksonville Jaguars. “I think we stopped taking games one at a time, got caught looking ahead, and ultimately we paid the price,” said Broncos wide receiver Wes Welker, referring to their embarrassing 16-point win over the last-place Jaguars in which the Broncos only managed to score four touchdowns heading into the fourth quarter. “Missing out on perfection is obviously a tough pill to swallow, but at the end of the day we’ve got a lot of other goals we’d still like to accomplish. Coach Fox has said from the beginning that winning the Super Bowl is all that matters, so finishing strong and securing a bye and home-field advantage throughout the playoffs is what we’re focusing on now. There’s definitely plenty left for us to play for.” At press time, sources confirmed Jaguars players continued to celebrate their sixth straight moral victory.
Shutdown Halts Craft Beer Production #~# The federal agency that approves new brewing companies, beer recipes, and beer labels has been closed amid the government shutdown, halting the opening of new craft breweries throughout the U.S. and delaying the rollout of specialty and seasonal beers. What do you think?
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week of October 14 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Tea Party Congressman Listens To Constituent Who Wears Thomas Jefferson Costume Everywhere #~# WINNSBORO, SC—At a town hall meeting Monday sponsored by Tea Party affiliate FreedomWorks, sources confirmed that Rep. Mick Mulvaney (R-SC) seriously listened and responded to several points raised by a constituent wearing a Thomas Jefferson costume complete with brass-buttoned waistcoat, velveteen breeches, and tricorn hat. “You make a great point, sir, and I am here to fight for people like you,” the congressman said to the man in a powdered wig who was carrying a giant Declaration of Independence poster board and who wears his Thomas Jefferson costume not just to political meetings, but every time he leaves his home. “When I get out of the D.C. bubble and come back to South Carolina and talk to voters, that’s when I remember the folks like yourself who sent me to Washington.” Following the meeting, Mulvaney spoke for 45 minutes with a local business owner and his wife, both of whom said the government shutdown was a good thing, and both of whom were dressed as Paul Revere.
Religious Scholars Discover Jesus Christ Delivered By Dr. Sidney Adler #~# JERUSALEM—In a discovery biblical scholars say sheds new light on the historical portrait of Jesus, religious researchers at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem have found that Jesus of Nazareth was delivered by Dr. Sidney Adler, M.D., a prominent obstetrician with a private practice in Galilee. “While many details surrounding the chronology and events of Jesus’ birth are still unknown, what we know for sure is that the man known as Jesus of Nazareth was delivered in a stable outside Bethlehem under the care of the private obstetrician Sidney Adler, who received his medical degree from Johns Hopkins University and completed his residency in Obstetrics and Gynecology at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in Los Angeles,” Professor of History Dr. Robert Beinin said of the new scholarly research, which found that Dr. Adler accepted Mary of Nazareth as a patient around 5 B.C. and heavily monitored the first-time mother for complications such as pre-eclampsia and gestational diabetes. “Dr. Adler was recommended to Mary by a friend, he conducted her first ultrasound, and the Mother of God was said to be very pleased with his brand of personalized, compassionate care. When Mary went into labor unexpectedly, Dr. Adler rushed to her side and administered an epidural, then kept her calm and composed as he safely delivered the Son of God.” Scholars added that Dr. Adler remained personal friends with Mary after the pregnancy and delivered all of her subsequent children.
Study: Behavioral Problems Linked To Irregular Bedtimes #~# A study of 3-, 5-, and 7-year-olds in the United Kingdom found that children without regular bedtimes got into fights more often and were more likely to be overly emotional or withdrawn, though the study noted that such effects could be reversed if parents imposed and adhered to a fixed bedtime every night. What do you think?
Family Watches In Silence As Dad Checks Out Waitress #~# CLEVELAND—Struggling not to openly show discomfort, family members dining with local man Louis Munson sat quietly on Sunday as Munson peered intently in the direction of Olive Garden waitress Layla Martinez. Munson, who first noticed the 23-year-old brunette as she walked past carrying another table’s pasta entrees, reportedly gazed at her for approximately 12 seconds, lingering on certain features of her anatomy while his fully aware wife, two sons, and daughter watched in silence. Though the family’s unease had largely passed by the end of the meal, sources say it was re-sparked when Munson suddenly noticed Martinez from across the restaurant bending down to tie her shoe.
News Website Refers To Users’ Ceaseless Exchange Of Racial Slurs As ‘Discussion’ #~# NEW YORK—While inviting its readers to “make [their] voice heard,” the website of a major national news outlet recently described the rampant onslaught of racial slurs that appears below each of its articles as a “discussion,” sources confirmed Wednesday. “Join the discussion by sounding off in our comments section,” read a box of text on the homepage, referring to a part of the site in which people engage in racist invective while typing out long, barely coherent screeds on everything from voter ID laws to the anniversary of the March on Washington to President Obama’s ancestry. “Let us know what you think.” Reports indicated that the news website also refers to its legions of race-baiting, homophobic commenters as its “community.”
NFL Week Six Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the sixth week of the NFL season:
John Boehner’s Wife Calls For Her Shutdown King To Come Back To Bed #~# WASHINGTON—As her husband worked late into the night devising a strategy to negotiate the ongoing budget crisis that has ground Washington to a halt, the wife of House Speaker John Boehner called for her big, strong Shutdown King to come back to bed, sources confirmed early Monday morning. “It sounds like my Mr. Powerful Shutdown King is working awfully hard; maybe he needs something to help him take his mind off his kingly duties?” a negligee-wearing Deborah Boehner playfully called out from the couple’s bedroom, urging “His Majesty” to turn off his phone for five minutes and join her in their royal chamber. “My mighty deadlock leader has brought the federal government to its knees, but maybe now he can take his scepter and do the same to his Shutdown Queen? Your wish is my command, sire.” At press time, Boehner was mumbling “not now” under his breath.
Internet Rocked By Blogger With Sarcastic Sensibility #~# NEW YORK—Hailed by members of the online community as “a groundbreaking and radical new voice,” blogger Charles Edo has taken the internet by storm in recent weeks with a series of posts in which he conveys his opinions using the rhetorical device of sarcasm, sources reported Thursday.
Suicide Hotline Operator Sick Of Talking Down Jaguars Players #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Complaining that the phone was ringing off the hook, local suicide hotline operator Richard Bloomquist told reporters Monday that he’s sick and tired of fielding calls from depressed members of the Jacksonville Jaguars. “They just keep calling, one after the other, saying ‘I can’t make it another week,’ or ‘I don’t think I can keep going out there,’” said Bloomquist, adding that the hotline has begun hiring extra help specifically for Sunday nights to field the countless calls from distraught players and coaches. “The rule is never to lie to anybody, but how else am I supposed to tell these guys that everything will be okay? I mean, anybody can see there isn’t a glimmer of hope on that whole damn roster, but I can’t tell them that. We’d lose every one of them before they even hit their bye week.” At press time, paramedics had been called to the Jaguars practice facility after wide receiver Justin Blackmon reportedly found out he was under contract through 2015.
NYC Restaurant Has Diners Eat In Silence #~# The Brooklyn restaurant Eat, which serves local farm-to-table fare, has gained popularity with its $40 four-course prix fixe menu nights in which the patrons, waiters, and chefs are not allowed to speak at all. What do you think?
October 19 #~# There will be a 10K charity run for lupus research Saturday, so if someone hits you up for a donation in the next couple of days, it’s legit.
Stray Dad Found In Lumber Section Of The Home Depot #~# PORTLAND—According to sources, missing dad Ed Phillips was reunited with his family Thursday after he was found safe and in good health in the lumber section of The Home Depot. “We were starting to worry we were never going to see him again, we kept calling his name, but he was just gone without a trace,” said Phillips’ 14-year-old daughter Caroline after her 49-year-old father wandered off from his wife and two children, giving the family quite a scare. “After he didn’t turn up in the lighting or paint aisles, we started thinking about all of the other places he might be drawn to, and thought about how he likes playing with wooden blocks. Luckily we spotted him there staring at a stack of 2x4s.” At press time, Ed was happily playing with a group of other dads in the power tools section.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week Six Picks #~# OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week six games:
McDonald’s To Put Books In Happy Meals #~# McDonald’s announced that it would include one of four paperback books in its Happy Meals from Nov. 1 to Nov. 14, with the works featuring McDonald’s Funky Farm characters, including a goat, ant, dodo bird, and dinosaur. What do you think?
Intern Strikes Up Friendship With Least-Respected Employee #~# DENVER—After starting at the company just three weeks ago, 22-year-old Wenger Marketing intern Allison Bennett told reporters Thursday that she has already befriended 36-year-old digital content coordinator Mike Fryer, the least-respected employee in the entire office.
High School Football Coach Encourages Player To Shake Off Cognitive Impairment #~# DECATUR, IL—Telling the 17-year-old to “play through” the brain injury he sustained from a vicious hit during a game against Danville, West High football coach Doug Husted reportedly encouraged tailback Marcus Fisher Thursday night to shake off his cognitive impairment and get back out there. “Show a little backbone now, son!” said Husted, who instructed Fisher to catch his breath, drink some water, and shrug off the bruises on his cerebrum. “A true champion doesn’t let a little blood on his brain slow him down. So suck it up—I need you back out there in three plays.” Sources confirmed Husted then forcefully hit the concussed 17-year-old on the back of his helmet and told him he had a game to win.
Airline Part Of Something Called 'Star Alliance' #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Travelers on United Airlines were reportedly unsettled on Thursday after observing that the carrier was part of some sort of mysterious coalition of airlines known as the Star Alliance. “What are they, some sort of galactic fighter force? Have we been recruited as footsoldiers for an impending interplanetary war?” said traveler Bruce Cathcart, adding that he only wanted to visit his sister, not align himself with a secretive group that holds outposts in Tokyo, Frankfurt, and the Epsilon Indi star system. “Who am I now allied against? Do we have enemies? I’m just trying to fly to Atlanta here, not act as a pawn in some interstellar power scheme.” At press time, Cathcart had gotten over his misgivings once a round of complimentary beverages was served.
WNBA Finals Dominated By Minnesota Lynx’s 8-Months Pregnant Power Forward #~# ATLANTA—The Minnesota Lynx swept the Atlanta Dream Thursday night to clinch their second WNBA championship in three years, led by several dominant performances from 31-year-old, eight-months pregnant Rebekkah Brunson.
Mothers May Pass Depression To Newborns #~# According to a new study by British researchers, babies born to women who are depressed during their pregnancy are 1.3 times more likely than their peers to suffer depression when they become adults. What do you think?
Kuwait To Medically ‘Detect’ Gay Visitors, Expel Them #~# Kuwaiti officials said that the country will use medical tests that they claim can “detect” homosexuality when assessing expatriates attempting to enter their borders, with those who test positive for homosexuality being barred from entry. What do you think?
The Onion’s Guide To Understanding The Debt Ceiling Crisis #~# The Treasury Department has warned that the continued failure by Congress to raise the debt ceiling would leave the United States unable to pay all of its bills and may force the country to default on its government bonds. Here are some helpful answers to the most common questions about the debt ceiling crisis:
New Pumpkin Spice Channel To Offer Fall-Themed Hardcore Pornography #~# NEW YORK—Accommodating their viewers’ nonstop demands for seasonal hardcore porn, Spice Networks has rolled out their new Pumpkin Spice Channel, offering 24-hour autumn-themed pornographic films and videos. “Now the world’s dirtiest sluts can be seen taking it in every hole while they’re apple picking in northern Massachusetts or when their fall foliage tour guide turns out to be a hot M.I.L.F who’s ready to party,” Spice publicist Glenn Fitzhugh said at a Monday press event. “We are proud to give our fans this new service, launching Friday night with soon-to-be autumnal porn classics The Pumpkin Snatch, In Cider, and Indian Cornholers. You’ll also love our Halloween Spootakular featuring Ron Jeremy in Frankenstein’s Monster Cock.” Fitzhugh added that early subscribers will receive free access to the pay-per-view Skanksgiving broadcast of Gobble-Gobble 2: Stuffed Again.
Obamacare Helps Uninsured Americans Become Blindingly Enraged At Insurance Companies #~# WASHINGTON—Following this month’s rollout of President Obama’s signature health care law, millions of uninsured citizens across the country praised the program for allowing them to become blindingly enraged at health insurance companies for the first time in their lives, sources confirmed. “I’ve been working two to three jobs without once qualifying for health insurance for as long as I can remember, and now for the first time ever, I’ll be able to fill out reams and reams of indecipherable forms and paperwork that will frustrate and anger me in ways I could never possibly imagine,” said Oregon man David Haddock, adding that he now has access to nearly 10 insurance companies that have staffs that will try to deny him benefits at every turn and make his life a living hell. “Come January 1, my wife and I will finally be unable to find a good doctor that’s in network, I’ll try to call our insurance provider to get an explanation, and then I’ll be on hold for an hour before I slam the phone down on the ground. It’ll be one of the happiest days of our lives.” At press time, Obamacare had already helped numerous citizens punch a hole in their computer monitors after the repeated failure of healthcare.gov.
Chipmunk’s Plan For Future Better Crafted Than That Of 8 Out Of 10 Americans #~# PRINCETON, NJ—Highlighting the small woodland creature’s ability to set long-term objectives and competently follow through on them, a Princeton University report released Thursday found that a local 2-year-old eastern chipmunk had crafted a far more secure and responsible future for itself than 8 out of 10 Americans.
Most Offensive Team Names #~# With the Washington Redskins coming under fire for having a disrespectful name, Onion Sports examines some of the most insulting monikers of sports teams. 
Thunk U For Nobbel Prise, Me Happie Now #~# Telfone ring tooday and man tell very excite thing. Man voice tell me win big Nobbel Prise! Tell, “Alice Munro win Nobbel Prise!” Cant believe! Always want win Nobbel Prise and now win Nobbel Prise like always want! So thunk u Nobbel Kabitty for big shine prise. Make me so happie and excite.
Marcus Vick Likely Out For Sunday Shift At Sbarro #~# ATLANTA—After missing four consecutive days this week, sources close to Marcus Vick confirmed that the former Virginia Tech quarterback is considered unlikely for his Sunday afternoon shift at Sbarro. “Marcus showed a lot of promise early on, but it’s looking increasingly doubtful that he’ll be on the floor this weekend,” branch manager Glenn Bailey told reporters, adding that lingering issues had prevented the former athlete from fulfilling his role as the restaurant’s go-to cashier. “Everyone on my staff would be thrilled if Marcus showed up at 100 percent this weekend, but with his history that’s just wishful thinking. While Sunday is a huge day for us and we could really use him, I can’t help but feel that his professional food services career is over.” Restaurant insiders have speculated Vick’s absence may provide a valuable opportunity for his current backup, former No. 1 draft pick and Sbarro trainee JaMarcus Russell.
U.S. Adults Below Average In Math, Literacy, Computers #~# According to a comparison of 18-to-65-year-olds in 22 advanced democracies, the U.S. placed ahead of only five countries on a test of literacy, and beat out just two countries in a test of math skills, while also placing 15th in a measure of computer skills. What do you think?
October 17 #~# This week’s city council meeting will conclude with a lengthy statement from an elderly woman who doesn’t know the issues but enjoys a little bit of human interaction.
Janet Yellen Nominated As First Female Fed Chief #~# President Obama nominated Janet Yellen, the current vice chairperson of the Federal Reserve, to replace Ben Bernanke as the head of the nation’s central bank, which would make her the first woman to hold the position, provided she passes her Senate confirmation. What do you think?
Psychiatrists Deeply Concerned For 5% Of Americans Who Approve Of Congress #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the individuals in question may be extremely mentally disturbed or suffering from a serious psychological illness, the nation’s psychiatrists announced Wednesday that they are deeply concerned for the estimated 5 percent of Americans who were found in nationwide polls this week to approve of the U.S. Congress. “With numerous members of Congress refusing to negotiate an end to the shutdown in the face of widespread federal furloughs and a looming deadline to avoid defaulting on government debt, we are extremely concerned for the mental health of those Americans who responded, ‘Yes, we think Congress is doing a good job,’” psychiatrist Dr. Donald Levin said in a press conference this morning, telling reporters that the estimated 15.5 million Americans who approve of Congress are likely “very troubled” citizens who may in fact be experiencing psychotic episodes or delusional thoughts. “We’re not entirely sure who these people are or where they come from—perhaps they are psych ward patients, or unstable recluses living in remote huts on the outskirts of society—but what we do know is that they are extremely disconnected from reality and in need of immediate attention if they are not already receiving it. We need to find these people and get them the help they need before their illnesses get worse.” Psychiatrists added that because a number of mental health services are currently furloughed, many respondents would just have to “sit tight and hang in there” until the shutdown is resolved.
Fucking Pathetic John Ashbery Actually Thinks He Has Shot At Nobel Prize In Literature This Year #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Unbelievably pitiful American poet John Ashbery is seriously harboring the belief that he has any chance in hell at winning this year’s Nobel Prize in Literature, sources close to the clearly delusional author confirmed Wednesday. “Ashbery needs to give himself a serious fucking reality check, pronto, if he really thinks his little poems have had even a tenth of the effect on world literature required to make him worthy of a Nobel,” Yale University English professor Charles Xu said of the 86-year-old surrealist poet, adding that Ashbery must be living in a total cuckoo fantasyland if he thinks there is even a remote possibility of him beating out U.R. Ananthamurthy or Alice Munro or even Juan fucking Goytisolo, for Christ’s sake. “Does he understand these things aren’t given out to just anybody? You can’t simply shit out a few reams of verse like Self-Portrait In A Convex Mirror and expect to hang with the big boys like Yasunari Kawabata and Octavio Paz. You just can’t.” Xu went on to say that even speculating on possible winners was a waste of time regardless, as Haruki Murakami “pretty much has the whole award sewn up tight as a fucking drum.”
Washington Redskins Change Their Name To The D.C. Redskins #~# WASHINGTON—Following an outpouring of criticism from across the country, the Washington Redskins announced Wednesday that they are officially changing the team’s name to the D.C. Redskins. “We’ve heard the concerns of many people who have been hurt or offended by the team’s previous name, and I’m happy to say we’ve now rectified the situation once and for all,” said franchise owner Dan Snyder, adding that “Washington Redskins” will  be replaced with “D.C. Redskins” on all team logos, uniforms, and apparel. “It was a difficult decision—and one that, frankly, I’m a little embarrassed took me so long to make. So hopefully we can now put this issue to bed and start cheering on our D.C. Redskins.” In light of Snyder’s decision, Cleveland Indians owner Larry Dolan told reporters he will change the feather in Chief Wahoo’s headdress from red to a “more appropriate” shade of red.
Michelle Obama Opens Up In ‘Marie Claire’: ‘Our Sex Life Has Never Been More Open, More Experimental, More Generous’ #~# WASHINGTON—Sitting down for a candid interview with Marie Claire magazine last Thursday, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly opened up about her marriage to President Barack Obama, saying that their sex life “has never been more open, more experimental, or more generous.”
High School Freshman Thinks ‘Romeo And Juliet’ Might Just Be Her Favorite Play #~# EL PASO, TX—Praising its characters, story, and ending, Maya Brown, a freshman at DeSoto High School, decided this Monday that William Shakespeare’s classic Romeo And Juliet might just be her favorite play. “I love how romantic it is, and especially how well the dialogue is written,” said the 15-year-old, whose knowledge of theater and the dramatic arts reportedly dates back to the fall of 2012. “Shakespeare is just such an amazing playwright. He’s probably one of the best in history.” Brown added that if she were ever in a production of Romeo And Juliet, she would want to play Juliet.
Daryl Johnston Admits He Doesn’t Feel Comfortable Being Alone In Booth With Kenny Albert #~# DALLAS—Describing him as both “creepy” and “kind of a weirdo,” Fox NFL color commentator Daryl Johnston admitted Wednesday that he does not feel comfortable being alone in the broadcast booth with play-by-play partner Kenny Albert. “Whenever there’s a pause in the action, all I’m thinking about is how badly I want to get the hell out of there,” said Johnston, adding that he was disconcerted by Albert slowly rocking back and forth while licking his lips and emitting small giggles at seemingly random intervals during every commercial break.“There’s something off about him. Occasionally, without warning, he’ll move over close enough so that our thighs are just touching, and then he’ll stare straight ahead with this big dumb grin on his face. It’s really unsettling.” Johnston added that he is equally disturbed by Albert’s unwavering insistence that they book adjoining hotel rooms.
Man Panics After Reaching Age Where Parents Prematurely Started Family #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Sources confirmed Wednesday that 28-year-old graphic designer Gerald Lawler experienced an anxiety attack following the realization that he was the same age as his parents when they prematurely started a family. “By this time, my parents were already raising a child and had backed themselves into working a job they hated just to make ends meet,” said Lawler, anxiously comparing his current apartment to the tract home whose mortgage his parents are still paying off. “Pretty soon I’ll be 30. Dad had already left Mom when he was 33. I’d better get a move on.” Lawler added, however, that he’s already much more experienced with therapy and antidepressants than his parents were at 28.
Military Unveils Bionic Super-Soldiers Capable Of Withstanding Mental Toll Of War #~# WASHINGTON—Touting them as the next stage in modernized combat, representatives for the United States military unveiled today a new line of bionically enhanced “super-soldiers,” capable of withstanding the enormous mental toll of war.
China Warns U.S. Not To Default On Debt #~# Leaders in China, which owns $1.28 trillion in U.S. Treasury bonds, warned that a default by the United States would have global ramifications and urged American lawmakers to work harder to raise the debt ceiling before the country hits its borrowing limit on Oct. 17. What do you think?
October 16-18 #~# The public water supply will be shut down for the rest of the week in preparation for the Fifth Annual WaterFest this weekend.
NYPD Lets Suspicious Man Go After Only Finding ‘Catcher In The Rye’ In Backpack #~# NEW YORK—Responding to several calls regarding a suspicious-looking individual lurking outside a Midtown office building, police released a man today after finding only a copy of J.D. Salinger’s 1951 novel The Catcher In The Rye in his backpack, sources report. “We had received complaints of an individual with a strange look in his eyes loitering near the building, but fortunately a search of the man’s backpack yielded nothing more than some old book,” said Officer Pete Silvani, referring to the man’s dog-eared copy of Salinger’s seminal work that reportedly contained hundreds of annotations, drawings, and frequent highlighting of the words “children” and “innocence.” “In light of this, we determined that he posed no threat to the public and, per his request, directed him to the nearest hardware store.” At press time, the suspicious man was seen rapidly approaching actor Greg Kinnear.
Tom Hanks Has Diabetes #~# In an interview on the Late Show Monday, Oscar winner Tom Hanks told David Letterman that he suffers from Type 2 diabetes, saying that he’s experienced symptoms of the disease for 20 years. What do you think?
Congressional Aides Withholding Sex Until Budget Compromise Is Reached #~# WASHINGTON—As the shutdown of the federal government enters its second week, with legislators on both sides of the aisle having so far failed to bring a resolution to the negotiating table, sources confirmed Tuesday that Washington’s congressional aides have opted to withhold sex from their employers until a budget compromise is reached. “We were all hoping it would never come to this, but unless lawmakers agree to put aside their differences and get the government moving again, then any and all clandestine sexual intercourse with us is simply off the table,” said Allison Pereira, 26, personal aide to Rep. Tom Massie (R-KY) and just one of hundreds of Capitol Hill staffers who reportedly have resolved to deny the nation’s elected officials sexual favors of any kind until they hammer out an evenhanded federal budget agreement that resolves the Obamacare stalemate and ends the shutdown. “With hundreds of thousands of government employees out of work and the congressional process held hostage to partisan gridlock, we have no chance but to leverage our most powerful bargaining chip. So until they figure out a budget deal, sex is off. And that includes oral sex and hand jobs, by the way.” In the absence of gratification from their subordinates, sources confirmed that the sex boycott has forced all 535 U.S. senators and House representatives to avail themselves of D.C.’s various escort services and brothels, at an estimated cost to the American taxpayer of $6.2 million.
I Wonder If My Roommate Can Hear My Girlfriend And Me Firing Civil War Cannons #~# My roommate and I get along fine. We’re pretty good about sharing food and fridge space, and we even hang out a few times a week. Overall I’d say it’s a friendly dynamic. But it occurred to me the other day that sometimes when my girlfriend comes over and we fire Civil War cannons in my bedroom, there’s a chance he might be able to hear us.
Fanatically Devoted Nerd Could Potentially Turn On Simon Pegg At Any Moment #~# DURHAM, NC—Despite being a long-avowed fan of the British comedian, actor, and director, local nerd Josh Russell is liable to turn against Simon Pegg without any warning whatsoever, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Right now he loves Pegg’s stuff, but knowing Josh, 45 seconds from now he could be talking about how, in hindsight, Shaun Of The Dead and Hot Fuzz weren’t all that great,” said Russell’s friend Chandra Hughes, noting how the 37-year-old is capable of sudden, unprompted reversals of opinion on nearly any topic. “In the blink of an eye he might very well start calling them ‘cheap, hack-job slapstick’ and asking if we’re ‘really still watching Simon Pegg in 2013.’ It will be like his Joss Whedon reversal all over again.” At press time, sources indicated that Russell had just finished watching The World’s End and was letting out an equivocal sigh, seemingly gathering his thoughts, and preparing to speak.
History Of The Walt Disney Company #~# This month marks the 90th anniversary of The Walt Disney Company. Here are some of the most notable moments in the media conglomerate’s history:
Dick Vitale Enthusiastic About Latest Al-Qaeda Plot #~# BRISTOL, CT—On the set of SportsCenter Sunday to talk about the upcoming college basketball season, analyst Dick Vitale expressed his extreme enthusiasm for college hoops, the autumn weather, and most shockingly, the latest al-Qaeda terrorist plots. “Subway bombings? I love it! Take it underground, baby!” Vitale shouted directly into the camera before calling al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri a “Prime-Time Player.” “Give me AQ over any other terrorist organization out there. Bar none. They’re scintillating, sensational, and you’ve got to love that dedication, baby!” While initially shocked and confused, fellow analyst Jay Bilas admitted at the end of the segment that Vitale’s excitement helped make al-Qaeda’s plot actually sound great.
Report: Chicken Nuggets Only 50% Meat #~# Researchers tested chicken nuggets from two fast food restaurants and found that the first was only half chicken muscle, with the rest made up of blood vessels, fat, and nerves, while the second sample was only 40% meat, with the remainder composed of fat, cartilage, and bone fragments. What do you think?
Dad Actually Yelled At That Guy #~# LORAIN, OH—Multiple family members recently confirmed that while waiting in line to buy tickets at a movie theater last night, local dad Jim Massey actually yelled at some guy. “He just turned around, in public, and totally yelled at a guy,” said Peter Massey, 14, describing how his father shouted at a man in his mid-20s for continuously swearing loudly while talking with some friends behind the family of five. “He looked right at the guy and snapped, ‘Hey, watch your language.’ And it was loud, too. A bunch of people heard it. I looked at my brother and we were both like, ‘Whoa.’” According to witnesses, eldest daughter Emily Massey refused to speak to her father throughout the remainder of the evening as a punishment for embarrassing her like that.
Nobel Prize In Chemistry Awarded To Taft Middle School Teacher Mr. Ambler #~# STOCKHOLM—In recognition of his contributions to the field of making sixth-grade chemistry fun, Taft Middle School teacher Peter Ambler was awarded the Nobel Prize in Chemistry on Monday. “Mr. Ambler is pretty chill, and he makes jokes and does cool activities and stuff, which is awesome because he doesn’t make chemistry seem all boring and lame,” read an announcement from the Nobel Prize committee, adding that the 46-year-old teacher is “super dorky about science” but is otherwise nice and doesn’t grade that hard. “He does a lot of fun experiments and stuff instead of just worksheets and tests. He’s not all strict like Ms. Caputo. And on Halloween he’ll usually come in dressed up as, like, a molecule or something funny like that. He’s pretty cool.” According to Nobel officials, what really put Ambler above the competition for the $1.2 million prize was a few months ago when he showed how you can make a battery out of a grapefruit.
Poll Shows Majority Of Americans Can’t Blame Congress For The Shutdown, Not With Those Adorable Faces They Can’t #~# WASHINGTON—As the federal government shutdown enters its second week, a recent CBS News/New York Times poll revealed Monday that an overwhelming majority of Americans just can’t find it in their hearts to blame congressmen for the ongoing impasse, especially not with those adorable little faces of theirs. “I’m obviously upset that our elected officials can’t work together to figure out a reasonable budget resolution, but honestly, how could you ever stay mad at those cutie pies?” said 46-year-old Silver Spring, MD resident Daniel Hadler, one of the 78 percent of Americans who want to pinch congressmen and women right on their big chubby cheeks, while a further 91 percent said they would love to put the lawmakers between two slices of bread and just eat them right up. “Have you ever seen anything so precious in your whole life? I mean, look at them—dressed up in their little suits with their big-boy ties on, huffing and puffing around the Capitol building. You can’t be angry when your heart’s practically melting.” At press time, 94 percent of Americans were about to lash out at the legislative branch, but after taking one look at Congressman Ken Calvert’s sweet punim, decided that all they could do was pick the little guy up, squeeze him tight, and give him a big, sloppy kiss on the cheek.
How The Government Shutdown Could End #~# As the government shutdown nears a full week, neither house of Congress appears ready to budge. Here are some ways the standoff could be resolved:
Reality TV Show To Send Winner To Space #~# NBC announced that producer Mark Burnett and Virgin Galactic founder Richard Branson will create a new reality TV elimination show called Space Race, with the winner earning a flight on Virgin Galactic’s space tourism vehicle SpaceShipTwo. What do you think?
Area Family Putting A Little Money Away To One Day Blow On Single Health Scare #~# YUMA, AZ—Ever mindful of the skyrocketing cost of medical care, members of the Skolnick family told reporters Friday that the household sets aside a little from each paycheck so that if the time ever comes, they’ll be able to blow it all on a single health scare. “You never know when you may have to pointlessly throw away every penny you’ve got on a round of medical tests that all come back negative,” said Paula Skolnick, 48, noting that while the family is far from rich, they are prepared for thousands of dollars to be drained from their savings the moment one of them presents symptoms that look very much like, but turn out not to be, cancer or heart disease. “We’re making little sacrifices every day to ensure we have a future in which all of our hard-earned money can be spent on surgery to remove a tumor that we later find out was completely benign.” The mother of two added that should someone in her family actually develop a serious illness, she and her husband would of course not be able to afford the treatment.
NFL Week Five Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the fifth week of the NFL season:
High-Powered Washington Fixer Tells Blood-Soaked Obama To Listen Carefully #~# WASHINGTON—Stating that he had been informed of “a certain problem that needs solving,” a high-powered Washington fixer reportedly entered the White House at 11:35 p.m. Wednesday and told a blood-spattered President Obama to listen to what he said and listen very carefully.
Study Finds Only Safe Place To Tackle Football Players Is 4-Inch Area On Right Thigh #~# PALO ALTO, CA—In light of a troubling number of major injuries in the NFL this season, a new study published Monday by the Stanford University Sports Medicine Center revealed that the only safe part of the body to tackle a football player is a 4-inch portion of the right thigh. “Our findings showed players have a substantially higher risk of incurring critical, sometimes permanent damage when receiving a hit anywhere outside this 10-centimeter-square area of the upper right leg,” said lead researcher Dr. Mark Domianci, explaining that regardless of age or level, all football players should avoid direct contact to the head, neck, chest, back, shoulders, arms, abdomen, hips, knees, shins, and ankles. “Given how much bigger, faster, and stronger today’s athletes are becoming, the only way to prevent serious head trauma, high-grade muscle tears, bone fractures, or spinal injuries is by ensuring players target this small region of the right thigh when delivering a hit. Tackling anywhere else on the body—even just a few inches from this area—is extremely dangerous for both players involved.” Domianci went on to recommend that as a general rule, no one should ever play the sport of football under any circumstances.
Doctor Creates Feces Pills To Treat Illness #~# A Canadian doctor has treated 27 patients suffering from Clostridium difficile infections by giving them each between 24 and 30 handmade pills containing stool from one of their healthy relatives, curing each patient of their illness. What do you think?
Packers Go With No-Cuddle Offense #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Seeking to quicken the game’s pace by not cuddling up before every snap, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers confirmed that his team plans to run a no-cuddle offense on Sunday against the Detroit Lions. “It’s true the cuddle gets everyone on the same page and makes them feel safe and warm, but it takes quite a long time,” said Rodgers, explaining that cuddling is more useful in hostile away stadiums where players often become scared or upset. “You also have to remember that when we cuddle, the defense gets a cuddle of its own where they get to snuggle up, catch their breath, and give each other affectionate kisses on the neck. Going no-cuddle puts them on their heels instead.” Rodgers then added that he would still make an effort to give his running backs and receivers plenty of reassuring touches throughout the game.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine #~# Fox
Giant Hornets Terrorize Central China #~# The Chinese province of Shaanxi has been devastated by Asian giant hornets, which are the size of a human thumb and have venom capable of causing kidney failure, with hornet attacks hospitalizing over 200 citizens and injuring nearly 1,500 more this year. What do you think?
Onion Sports’ NFL Week Five Picks #~# OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week five games:
Tea Party Leaders Announce Support For Deal In Exchange For Malia Obama #~# WASHINGTON—As the federal government shutdown stretches into its fourth day, 20 members of the Republican’s Tea Party faction announced this morning they would be willing to support a clean budget resolution bill in exchange for the president’s firstborn daughter, Malia Obama.
Linguistics Professor Tells Notre Dame Leprechaun To Sit The Fuck Down In Class #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Multiple sources confirmed Thursday that Notre Dame Professor Geoffrey Morell paused his linguistics lecture to tell the student dressed as the Leprechaun to sit the fuck down. “Johnny, cool it, because you’re bothering me and you’re bothering the class,” said Morell, adding that he was tired of warning him every single week about this type of shit. “I know you do your dumb little song and dance during the games, but right now you’re a student, so act like it and just get in your fucking seat. Oh, and when you are out there on Saturdays, everybody thinks you’re making a goddamn fool of yourself. You are not a part of the team, you are not even a part of the band, and frankly, I think in 10 years you are going to look back on this and feel like a complete jackass. Open your damn notebook.” According to witnesses, Professor Morell also informed the Leprechaun that if he ever again walks into his classroom to find “Football Game This Saturday!” written on one of the blackboards, Morell would not hesitate to fail his ass.
Hostages Freed After Tense 7-Minute Standup Set #~# RICHMOND, VA—A group of 35 hostages at Laugh-Up Lounge on West Broad Street were set free Wednesday night following a tense, often excruciating seven-minute standup comedy performance. “Please, somebody help us,” texted one of the victims, who later confirmed that comic Marty “The Party” Woodruff had subjected his captive audience to multiple tortuous and painful jokes, at one point even pulling a hostage up on stage and forcing her to participate in the act. “Just get us out of here! I have a feeling this is going to end very, very badly.” Several freed hostages told reporters they had in fact enjoyed the performance, though psychological experts confirmed these reactions were likely cases of Stockholm syndrome.
David Bowie Asks Iman If They Should Just Do Lasagna Again #~# NEW YORK—Saying he would be fine “just taking a load off” and eating in, rock icon David Bowie reportedly asked his wife, Somali supermodel and actress Iman, if they should just do lasagna for dinner again Monday.
Internet Not Quite Done Milking Cory Monteith’s Death For All It Worth #~# WASHINGTON—Saying that there’s “still a little juice left in that lemon,” content producers across the internet announced Friday that they aren’t quite done milking Cory Monteith’s death for all it’s worth. “I figure until we get a sound bite from every single person who worked with Cory Monteith on Glee, exhaust every possible image of him for retrospective slideshows, publish a separate post for every new tribute video, and report every minute detail of every single autopsy report, then there’s still a good bit of water at the bottom of this well,” said Starpulse.com editor John DiMico, just one of many internet content producers who sources said can definitely get a good five or six more miles out of this gas tank if they aggregate some stories about the emotional state of Monteith’s girlfriend, Lea Michele, and bang out a few more posts on the dangers of mixing drugs and alcohol. “A new trailer for Glee’s upcoming Cory Monteith tribute episode is trending online as we speak, and I’m thinking we can scare up at least one ‘Watch here’ post, one more ‘Celebrating Cory’ slideshow, and one more article with a headline like, say, ‘Behind The Smile, A Troubled Life” on my site in the next 20 minutes. After all, there’s still some change in this piggybank and it’s not going to shake itself out.” At press time, web editors across the nation had reportedly told their staff to keep up the good work after they published a video post featuring Lea Michele weeping.
Creepy Statistician Starts Softwetfootballfacts.com #~# EDISON, NJ—Touting his new website as the premiere online destination for visitors looking for hard-hitting analysis on the malleability and moisture of today’s NFL players, local man and incredibly creepy statistician Todd McIntosh unveiled softwetfootballfacts.com, sources confirmed Friday. “There are a lot of websites out there offering information about the game of football, but no one so far has provided facts and figures on the softness and wetness of today’s athletes that fans so desperately crave,” a fidgety, perspiring McIntosh said while avoiding eye contact with reporters. “When you visit my site, you’ll have access to all the key dampness-pliability metrics, including defensive suppleness, liquid lost/yard, and QB squishiness ratings. It’s all very important. I like this stuff a lot.” At press time, McIntosh was reportedly moistening his lips with his tongue while compiling a list of the NFL’s soggiest defensive ends.
Even Consumer’s Subconscious Can Tell Banner Ad Campaign Ineffective #~# NEW YORK—Sources inside local man Eric Chen’s brain confirmed this week that a major corporation’s recent online advertising campaign was so unsuccessful that its ineffectiveness was immediately perceptible to Chen’s subconscious. “Oh man, that had absolutely no impact on me whatsoever. Why are they wasting their money on this garbage?” said Chen’s unconscious mind of the weak, useless banner ad that was judged a waste before the 28-year-old could even consciously produce a negative visceral reaction to it. “They really thought this would work on me? I can’t believe that advertising team wasn’t fired years ago.” At press time, Chen’s subconscious was thinking of a big Reuben sandwich with a pickle and a side of fries.
Meat #~# Meat. Lots of meat. Piles and piles of meat. Meat slices. Turkey slices, ham slices, slices of chicken breast. Roast beef, pastrami brisket, mesquite smokehouse beef brisket, knockwurst, and franks.
Group Shows DNA Evidence, HD Video Of Bigfoot #~# A group of scientists known as the Sasquatch Genome Project unveiled the findings of a five-year, $500,000 study claiming they sequenced Bigfoot’s unique DNA and unveiling high-definition videos, photos, and thermal images of what they say are sasquatches in the wild. What do you think?
The Men Who Built Canada #~# History
BREAKING: Daniel Throwing His Life Away, You Should Call Him, He Dropped Out Of Wharton—Wharton, For God’s Sake #~# POTOMAC, MD—According to sources close to the situation, it would be really great if you could give Daniel a call because he’s going completely off the rails—dropped out of Wharton, Wharton, for God’s sake—and maybe you could talk some sense into him since sources have confirmed he certainly isn’t listening to them, that’s for sure. “He just won’t listen to reason, and it’s like he doesn’t even care about his future; I mean, my God, we’re talking about Wharton here—who leaves Wharton?” said a source familiar with the situation and who went on to cite reports indicating that, look, this isn’t Stern, this isn’t Kellogg—Daniel got a full ride to Kellogg and he turned it down for Wharton and now he’s, what, throwing it all away? “This isn’t the Danny we know. Something’s going on with him. I don’t know what it is; he’s acting like everything’s fine, but come on, you don’t up and drop out of Wharton—Wharton—if everything’s fine. Please just call him. He listens to you.” Observers went on to say that Daniel respects you, he cares what you think, and that you more than anyone else might be able to knock a little reality into him before he really flushes it all down the toilet and gets back with Sarah—yes, Sarah again, as if he couldn’t do better—like he’s been hinting.
Putin Nominated For Nobel Peace Prize #~# Saying that he stopped western nations from launching an air strike on Syria, a Russian advocacy group known as The International Academy of Spiritual Unity and Cooperation of Peoples of the World has nominated Vladimir Putin for the Nobel Peace Prize. What do you think?
Mia Farrow: ‘It’s Possible My Son Was Fathered By Frank Sinatra, Mario Puzo, George McGovern, Robert Altman, Anthony Perkins, Milton Berle, Robert Redford, Michael Caine, Danny Aiello, Or Bruce Dern’ #~# ‘Or Maybe Francis Ford Coppola, John Cassavetes, Tony Curtis, Dustin Hoffman, Quincy Jones, Sydney Pollack, Joe Mantegna, Liam Neeson, Tom Courtenay, Bob Balaban, Or Even William Hurt,’ Suggests Actress
Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Size Bar #~# FREEPORT, ME—Standing next to a white unmarked van on an unlit street after school, local 7-year-old Andrew Barns informed reporters Thursday that he would not get into the strange vehicle for anything less than a king-size candy bar, and the suggestion that he might do otherwise was, frankly, an insult. “Given the risk-reward ratio on this whole scenario, I would have to insist that the candy bar be king size, and to be honest, anything else would pretty much be a waste of my time,” said Barns, adding that any offer from the suspicious van of a regular-size Hershey’s bar, or even Rolos, would be immediately rejected on sight and on principle. “Look, if I’m going to get into this complete stranger’s dirty van with tinted windows, then it needs to made worth my while. The two-cup regular-size Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup packet is not going to cut it. It’s gotta be the four-cup king size. Or, alternatively, four fun-sized singles.” At press time, Barns was waiting for the man to return from a trip to the local FoodMart with a suitably alluring confection.
OSN’s Tips For Turning Your NFL Season Around #~# Heading into week five, there are 10 NFL franchises with a 1-3 or worse record. Here are some surefire tips for teams to get their seasons back on track:
Germ-Free Haven! #~# Tired of trying to stay clean all the time? Try this completely germ-free dwelling in the heart of the Arctic Circle, where no germs can survive! Low rent! (You may be asked to collect the occasional scientific data and sign my name to it.)
Report: American Jews Becoming Less Religious #~# According to a new report, the majority of American Jews now believe that being Jewish has more to do with ancestry and culture than religious beliefs, with 20 percent saying they don’t identify with any religion. What do you think?
U.S. Treasury Announces Bonus Financial Quarter Worth Double The Cash #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that this could be America’s “big chance at big money,” the Department of the Treasury announced Wednesday that the country was poised to enter a bonus financial quarter worth double the cash.
NBC, CNN Cancel Hillary Clinton Movies #~# Amid backlash from the Republican National Committee as well as a number of people close to the Clintons, CNN stopped production of a Hillary Clinton documentary, while NBC canceled its planned miniseries Hillary, which had already cast Diane Lane in the lead role. What do you think?
The Republican Party Cannot Stand By And Let Obamacare Destroy This Country vs. Help Me #~# My fellow Americans, as I write this, the United States government is experiencing its first shutdown in 17 years. Democrats are quick to place blame on the Republican Party, and have accused us of taking this country hostage. President Obama has said our attempt to fund the government by defunding Obamacare is an attempt to extract a ransom solely for doing our jobs. He’s likened some members of our party to right-wing fanatics.
1998 University Of Virginia Graduates Still Taking Inspiration From Governor Jim Gilmore’s Commencement Speech #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Saying that the speech remained as vibrant and important to them now as it was 15 years ago, members of University of Virginia’s class of 1998 reported this week that they continue to regularly draw inspiration, reassurance, and inner strength from the commencement address delivered by Governor Jim Gilmore.
Nation Admits There Could Be A Little Less Porn #~# WASHINGTON—Citizens across the country reportedly came to a collective agreement Wednesday that as a society they could probably make do with a bit less porn. “If we’re really being honest with ourselves, I think we have to acknowledge that we’d still be okay if there was maybe a fraction or so less pornography than there currently is,” said Cleveland resident Eric Shepard, 32, noting that the nation now has more porn at its disposal—including amateur porn, barely legal porn, bondage-BDSM porn, bukkake porn, clothed-male-naked-female porn, fisting porn, felching porn, enema porn, and vintage porn—than it could possibly view.  “Now, we’re definitely not asking anyone to take it all away. We love this stuff, after all. We’re just saying we could stand to dial back what we currently have by maybe 3 or 4 percent.” Citizens later added that should the day ever come when the amount of porn needs to be increased, they would like to see additions made to the present inventory of biracial pregnant face-sitting porn.
I Don’t Know Where My Navy Blue Tie Is—Sure, Maybe That’s Not Important To You, But It Is To Me #~# Every night before I go to bed I like to make sure my whole outfit—shirt, pants, jacket, tie, socks—is all laid out for me in the morning. Last night, I was trying to get my clothes together when I noticed my navy blue tie was missing. I thought to myself, “Well, it must be in my closet somewhere; I’ll probably run across it by the time I head out for work in the morning.” But no, I still can’t find my navy blue tie anywhere.
New Pro Football Hall Of Fame Exhibit Allows Visitors To Experience Concussion #~# CANTON, OH—In an effort to provide visitors a truly immersive look at the life of an NFL player, the Pro Football Hall of Fame reportedly unveiled a new exhibit Wednesday that allows museum patrons to experience the effects of suffering a concussion on the field of play. “This interactive display gives our guests the unique opportunity to see what it feels like to sustain a real traumatic brain injury as if they were actually being crushed into the turf,” Hall of Fame executive director Stephen Perry said of the newly installed exhibit, in which museum guests insert their head and neck into a tightly fitted box that is then abruptly jolted in order to simulate a vicious helmet-to-helmet hit from a 250-pound linebacker. “We have gone to great lengths to ensure that the entire concussion experience produces the real physical, cognitive, and emotional symptoms resulting from violent head trauma. And we believe our guests will find the entire process—from the moment their vision goes dark to their years and years of ensuing headaches, memory loss, and unpredictable mood swings—utterly fascinating.” Perry noted that immediately following the moment of impact, the Hall of Fame’s staff administers a cursory physical examination in which they determine that the recent concussion isn’t anything serious, after which the visitor’s head goes right back into the box.
New York Adds ‘Texting Zones’ To Highways #~# New York governor Andrew Cuomo announced the introduction of special “texting zones” along the state’s highways, which are designated parking areas and rest stops where motorists can pull over to check and send text messages. What do you think?
The Outer Edge Of Consciousness #~# Place those hands around your neck and start your wondrous journey to a place where there is no pain! But don’t go all the way. Not yet.
Billion Dollar Listing #~# Bravo
Government Shutdown Forces National Zoo To Turn Off Panda Suicide Cam #~# WASHINGTON—Along with a host of other nonessential federal services that were indefinitely shuttered following the government’s Monday night shutdown, the National Zoo’s beloved panda suicide cam went dark Tuesday morning, zoo officials confirmed. “You mean that newborn baby panda might kill herself and I won’t be able to see it live?” said Maryland resident Angela Krest, 39, echoing the sentiment of many Americans who were disappointed to see the temporary interruption of the zoo’s 24-hour live feed monitoring the pandas’ attempts at self-inflicted death. “I was really looking forward to seeing how she’s going to do it. Will she climb up as far as she can on a bamboo shoot and then try to leap to her death? Will she just try to knock her head on a rock over and over? Frankly, I don’t see why I have to be punished and miss seeing a panda take its own life just because of some partisan bickering.” At press time, the National Zoo issued a statement reassuring Americans they would do “everything in [their] power” to delay the suicide of any panda until such time as the suicide cam was back online.
Last Thing Government Worker Needed Was Agency Labeling Him ‘Nonessential’ #~# WASHINGTON—Following Tuesday’s government shutdown, which furloughed the jobs of all federal employees not considered to perform essential government functions, National Gallery of Art facilities manager Don Henning confirmed to reporters that the last thing he needed at this point in his life was to be called a nonessential employee. “Well, this is just great. I’m already working 60 hours per week in a low-paying job with horrible hours and zero perks, and now I’m officially being told that I could straight up stop going to work at all and it would not ‘essentially’ change anything,” the 49-year-old husband and father told reporters, noting that after more than two decades living basically paycheck to paycheck with no real chance of upward mobility, the one thing missing from his life was a furlough notice from the government informing him that what he does for a living is essential to absolutely nothing. “Listen, I get that my job could disappear at any minute and it wouldn’t matter to anyone. I can read between the lines. But there’s no need to tell me in a personally addressed letter that it’s actually better for the government’s survival if I’m not working than if I am. I mean, Christ, my self-esteem is low enough as it is.” At press time, Henning confirmed to reporters that, given the circumstances, 3 p.m. on a Tuesday was definitely not too early to start drinking.
Greatest Country In World Unable To Keep William H. Gross Stamp Gallery Open #~# WASHINGTON—Following Congress’ inability to hammer out a last-minute budget agreement, the federal government earlier today entered into a partial shutdown under which the greatest country on the planet—that shining example to all other nations in the world—will be unable to keep the William H. Gross Stamp Gallery open, sources confirmed.
Government Shutdown Begins #~# With the House of Representatives unwilling to pass a budget without defunding the Affordable Care Act, and the Senate unwilling to accept such a demand, the United States government entered its first partial shutdown in 17 years at midnight. What do you think?
How Obamacare’s Health Insurance Exchanges Work #~# As part of the implementation of President Obama’s signature Affordable Care Act, private health insurance exchanges are being rolled out on Oct. 1 as a means for citizens to obtain medical coverage. Here are some helpful answers to the most common questions about these exchanges:
Saudi Cleric: Driving Harms Women’s Ovaries #~# Prominent Saudi cleric Sheikh Saleh Al-Loheidan claimed that medical studies showed how driving automobiles damaged women’s ovaries and pelvises and, if performed often enough, could result in their children being born with “clinical problems.” What do you think?
Pope Francis Canonizes Single Turkey In Annual Vatican Tradition #~# VATICAN CITY—Declaring the 10-pound bird worthy of the church’s veneration to a crowd of thousands in St. Peter’s Square, Pope Francis celebrated a hallowed tradition on Thursday by canonizing a turkey from a local farm, a Thanksgiving ritual dating back more than three centuries to the pontificate of Innocent XII. “Dear brothers and sisters, it is my deepest joy today to present the life and witness of this humble bird to the Church and welcome him to cluck and cackle among the saints in God’s Kingdom of Heaven,” Pope Francis recited in accordance with the teaching of the Second Vatican Council, invoking the name of God three times before inscribing the newly beatified bird, named St. Gobbler, in the catalogue of saints. “Like those who came before, this pure and simple bird lived a life in consecration of Christ the Lord, his gentle gobbles spreading goodness and grace throughout Applewood Farms. May this noble and dignified bird forever bear witness to the Glory of God on earth and shine light in the hearts of the faithful on this most holy day.” Vatican sources say the ceremony was far less controversial than last year’s posthumous canonization of St. Wattle, a 23-pound wild turkey who was burned alive as a heretic in 1690.
Infertile Aunt Doing It Up Big At Kids Table #~# CHICOPEE, MA—Eliciting repeated waves of laughter and making sure to include everyone in her lively conversations, local aunt Gina Coleman, a childless and infertile woman, is really hamming it up at the kids table this Thanksgiving, sources have confirmed. “I just feel like I’m one of the gang with you guys!” said the woman physically incapable of conceiving, as the children giggled along with their aunt whose permanently depleted ovarian reserves guarantee that her womb will remain a desolate and barren wasteland until her death. “Trust me, it’s much more fun down here; the other table is just a bunch of fuddy-duddies. Now, who’s getting this last crescent roll?” Following dinner, the woman whose body lacks all of the prerequisite conditions to create life had reportedly agreed to join her nieces and nephews for a round of Wii bowling in the basement.
Nation Celebrates Thanksgiving #~# All across the country, Americans are gathering with their loved ones to celebrate Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for this year?
Comet Could Light Up Sky In Northern Hemisphere #~# The comet ISON will fly close to the sun on Thursday, and if it manages to survive without being ripped apart, astronomers say the celestial body could produce a brilliant spectacle in the Northern Hemisphere that’s visible to the naked eye throughout December. What do you think?
Individuals Unaware They Constitute Area Man’s Support Network #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Unbeknownst to them, a selection of friends, coworkers, and loose acquaintances of local data entry clerk Brian Lochner make up the 28-year-old’s entire emotional support network, sources reported Wednesday. “Brian? Yeah, over the years he and I have gotten drinks after work a bunch of times—definitely a good guy to have around the office,” said coworker Jeff Aldriss, oblivious to the fact that he is the first person Lochner would call if the going really got tough and he needed someone to talk him through it. “Brian’s a sweet guy; we stop and chat in the hallway of our building a lot and it’s always very pleasant,” added neighbor Kelly Platt, who would be shocked to learn that even a minor crisis would drive Lochner to lean on her for weeks. Sources confirmed that the group’s collective ignorance is expected to continue until June of next year, when Lochner’s girlfriend of nine months leaves him following his sudden firing.
School Teacher Not About To Risk Her Life For Derek #~# CLARKSVILLE, TN—Saying she felt no responsibility whatsoever to protect the 14-year-old student if it meant dying for the kid, local East Parkview High School history teacher Angela Wells told reporters today that in the event of a school shooting, she would likely not risk her own life to save that of freshman Derek Madison. “If it ever came down to it, there’s no way I’d jump in front of a gunman for that kid—I’m sorry, but he’s always late, he talks constantly during class, and frankly, he’s a poor student,” said Wells, who added that she “wouldn’t think twice” before shielding any other student with her own body. “Look, I have a husband and two children. I’m not going to sacrifice all that for someone who enjoys carving the word ‘faggot’ into desks with the sharp end of a compass. If we’re talking about Albert, Jessica, Carolyn, or Rodrigo, that’s a totally different story. But Derek? I just can’t see myself doing that.” Wells later added that if Derek were standing among a group of students being threatened by a gunman, she would strongly consider “just sacrificing the whole bunch of them.”
Monaco Teen Doesn’t Want To Fall Into Townie Life Of Being Billionaire Race-Car-Driving Playboy #~# MONACO—Saying he feels destined for something different than his Lamborghini-driving, Dom Pérignon–guzzling peers, 17-year-old Jean-François Cambora told reporters Tuesday he doesn’t want to be a Monaco townie forever, stuck in the European city-state living the all-too-common life of a cosmopolitan playboy.
Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Matthew Jorgensen, a complete and total nerd who sources speculate likely has no tangible social life, actually both owns and regularly uses his own personal computer, reports from those with knowledge of Jorgensen’s geeky hobby confirmed Tuesday.
Canadian City Outlaws Doorknobs #~# Vancouver, British Columbia, the eighth largest city in Canada, has banned the installation of doorknobs in all newly constructed buildings including personal residences, mandating that the devices be replaced with easier-to-use levers. What do you think?
Why Are All The Good Guys Always Taken, Gay, Dead, Or Available? #~# Being a single woman today isn’t easy. After a long week at work, it’s hard to find the time and energy to go out, navigate the crowded dating scene, and try to find a deep romantic connection. And here’s the thing: When you finally do come across one of the good guys out there, why does it always turn out that he’s either taken, gay, dead, or available?
Morning-After Pill Doesn’t Work For Heavier Women #~# According to the French pharmaceutical manufacturer HRA Pharma, the active ingredient in morning-after pills is not fully effective in women who weigh over 165 pounds and is ineffective in women who weigh more than 176 pounds. What do you think?
Archaeologists Discover Site Where Desperate Jesus Christ Turned Tricks #~# JERUSALEM—In a stunning discovery that archaeologists hope might shed light on the little-known years between Jesus Christ’s childhood and his ministry, the Israel Antiquities Authority uncovered Monday what they believe to be the site where, in the years before he began his itinerant preaching, a desperate, cash-strapped Christ briefly turned tricks for money.
Study: Major Shift In Media Landscape Occurs Every 6 Seconds #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—A study published Tuesday by Rutgers University’s Center for Media Studies reported that a major shift in the media landscape occurs approximately once every six seconds, confirming that the way information is transmitted and received in our culture is radically altered over 10 separate times in one minute. “Based on our research, we can now confirm that in the span of just one day, the conventions of the media as we know it will transform thousands of times, with over 800 reinventions of the rules of journalism in the digital age, 450 completely new ways of looking at how news is disseminated, 900 shifts in the way people and media institutions interact and share information, and 8,000 game-changing technological breakthroughs that will forever change how the word ‘media’ itself is defined,” said Professor of Media Studies Roger Scherer, noting that the study did not account for the 64 total paradigm shifts in the media landscape that have occurred in the hours since its release. “We also know that every four seconds, new social trends cause the rise of new spheres of global interaction, which we all—every single one of us—must adapt to within minutes.” A follow-up study later confirmed that this article, the social media site used to access this article, and the person reading this article are all part of a vastly outdated mode of communication.
New NFL Concussion Test Requires Players To Grunt With Dazed Expression Before Returning To Field #~# NEW YORK—The NFL unveiled a new concussion test Monday that will require players suspected of suffering a head injury to produce an audible grunting sound and maintain a dazed expression for several consecutive seconds before receiving clearance to return to a game. “With our new concussion protocol, trainers will closely monitor whether a player can stare off into the distance, emit a low, guttural moan, and remain awake for at least two seconds,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that a player would also be authorized to take part in football activities once they showed they could successfully perform physical movements such as dropping to the ground and slowly rolling in the grass while clutching their head. “Fully formed words of any kind, especially a player suggesting that they feel fine, are the best indicator that a player is in no real danger of long-term brain damage and is ready to get back on the field.” Though the new test has received some criticism from a faction of former NFL athletes, league officials were quick to point out that nearly all those retired players have suffered head injuries over the course of their careers and therefore cannot be trusted to act with sound judgment.
British Royal Family Sadly Announces Death Of Prince Charming #~# LONDON—Prince Charming, 32, died from heart failure on Tuesday, November 26, 2013 at St. Mary’s Hospital, according to an official statement released by the British Royal Family. “His Royal Highness, Prince Charming of York, passed away this morning at approximately 9:33 GMT surrounded by close family and friends,” spokesperson Margaret Embridge solemnly told reporters, adding that a vigil for the beloved son of England would be held this Sunday following a private funeral outside his ancestral home in Wolsingham. “He will be remembered for his unrivaled handsomeness, courage, gallantry, flowing dark hair, dashing demeanor, chivalry, utter desirability, sartorial elegance, valor, pluck, pride, daring, prowess, heroism, refinement, majesty, swordplay, horsemanship, talent for rescue, aversion to villainy, seraphic smile, and of course charm.” Charming is survived by his noble steed, Samson; his wife, Priscilla; and his brother, Prince Valiant.
Nation Has To Sell Lake House #~# MADISON, ME—Admitting that the cherished property had recently become a burden, the nation’s 317 million citizens announced Thursday that as much as they loved the old place, it was time for them to sell the lake house.
Winter Storm Snarls Holiday Travel #~# A winter storm that brought snow, sleet, and rain to the Southwest is poised to move east, soaking the South with rain and possibly bringing a windy wintry mix of precipitation to the Northeast, causing massive headaches for those traveling for Thanksgiving. What do you think?
Area Dad Convinced Receiver Controlled Ball, Got Both Feet Inbounds #~# ALTOONA, PA—Following a contested pass on the sideline, living room sources just confirmed that local father James Kulick is convinced the receiver on his team controlled the football and managed to get both feet inbounds for a fair catch. “Just look, you can see it right there on the replay—he gets possession and both feet touch the ground before he goes out,” said Kulick, adding that the receiver’s successful toe tap next to the sideline is “100 percent clear when they zoom in all the way.” “He dragged his left foot to the right as he got the ball, and he maintains control all the way to the ground. That’s a catch, no question. Clear as day. He caught it.” At press time, Kulick was reportedly furious after the opposing team had challenged the call.
‘The Onion’ Vows To Carry On Iran’s Nuclear Weapons Program Until The Job Is Done #~# Yesterday, a group of high-ranking world leaders met in Geneva and brokered a six-month deal to limit the nuclear ambitions of the Islamic Republic of Iran. These spineless Western autocrats did so in exchange for the removal of several economic sanctions on Iran, believing they have both the power and authority to dismantle the country’s nuclear program and enforce strict IAEA regulations on uranium enrichment.
Iran Suspends Nuclear Program #~# Possibly setting the stage for a more comprehensive deal, Secretary of State John Kerry helped broker an agreement with Iranian leaders to halt the enrichment of uranium to weapons-grade levels for the next six months in return for relief from economic sanctions. What do you think?
Frustrated Iranian Scientist Forced To Shut Down Project He Spent 12 Goddamn Years Of His Life On #~# NATANZ, IRAN—Standing in the dim subterranean facility in which he had spent the better part of his peak work years, deeply frustrated Iranian scientist Ali Khatami told reporters today that the recent Iran-U.S. nuclear accords have forced him to shutter the project he has wasted 12 years of his life—12 goddamned years—developing. “Perfect! Let’s just flush a decade of my life down the drain, then, shall we?” Khatami said as he angrily typed a code into a nearby computer to power down over 8,000 P-2 centrifuges he reportedly squandered countless nights diligently overseeing. “Do those assholes even know how hard it is to enrich uranium? How much I sacrificed? I never married, I’m prematurely gray, and now guess what? The prime of my life is gone forever. Unbelievable. This country’s going to fucking hell, man.” The nuclear physicist then paused, sighed, and wondered if he might realistically find work in Yemen.
NFL Week 12 Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 12th week of the NFL season:
Factory-Farm-To-Table Restaurant Proudly Serves Locally Tortured Animals #~# ST. HELENA, CA—Promising cuisine made from the “freshest, most inhumanely treated ingredients,” new factory-farm-to-table restaurant Cage announced this week that it is proud to serve the meat of locally tortured animals.
Winter Storm Threatens Homeless Man’s Plans To Survive Over Thanksgiving #~# SYRACUSE, NY—Following reports of a severe winter storm system threatening to pummel several areas of the nation’s Northeast, Syracuse-area homeless citizen Randall Limpkin told reporters today the impending storm could very well threaten his plans to survive over Thanksgiving. “They said the storm’s supposed to be at its worst on Wednesday, which is definitely going to completely disrupt my plan of not freezing to death on a barren city street during the holiday weekend,” said Limpkin, adding that he had been planning as early as August to live over Thanksgiving. “I mean, I was really looking forward to being alive this Thanksgiving, but I guess with this weather you can’t really plan to not die, you know?” At press time, Limpkin told reporters that, regardless of what happened, he was definitely not planning on surviving over Christmas.
Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something–Anti-Something Clash #~# SOMEWHERE—Sources confirmed yesterday that a series of riots, bombings, and urban firefights has left hundreds dead and many more wounded in the latest flare-up in the long-standing conflict between the pro-something group and the anti-something group.
No One At High School Remembers Asking Ray Lewis To Give Football Players Inspirational Pregame Speech #~# LAKEWOOD, CO—Saying that his appearance was equally confusing and startling, members of the Bear Creek high school coaching staff told reporters this week that none of them recalled inviting former Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to give an inspirational pregame speech to their football team last Friday. “I got my guys down on one knee in the locker room and then he just sort of showed up and took over,” head coach Eric Moore said of Lewis, who reportedly began his 15-minute speech in a low whisper before gradually building up to full-throated screams as he punched lockers in front of the group of silent high school players. “He really scared my boys shitless. I know I didn’t invite him, and my assistants told me they didn’t either, so I have no idea where the hell he came from. I think I heard some of the opposing players saying he stopped in to talk to them before the game too.” Moore confirmed that neither he nor anyone else affiliated with the school or booster club asked Lewis to lead the team through the paper banner and onto the field.
Study: Handful Of Nuts Each Day Lengthens Life #~# A recent study found that people who ate a handful of nuts five or more times per week lived longer than people who rarely consumed nuts, with nut-eaters experiencing a 29 percent lower risk of dying from heart disease and 11 percent lower risk of dying from cancer. What do you think?
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks #~# OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 12 games:
FCC May Allow Cell Phone Calls On Flights #~# The Federal Communications Commission is considering lifting the ban on cell phone calls on flights when the plane is above 10,000 feet, though calls would still be disallowed during takeoff and landing. What do you think?
Man Doesn’t Know How Parents Ever Going To Pay Off Massive Student Loan Debt #~# NEW YORK—Recent Wesleyan University graduate Zach Wallace confided to reporters Thursday that he has no clue how his parents are supposed to earn enough money to settle his $40,000 in student loan debt. “My God, they’ll be lucky if they’re able to pay this off while they’re still in their 70s,” said the 23-year-old film studies major and unpaid intern, noting the minimum monthly payments his father and mother will need to make just to keep their heads above water. “The student loan system takes advantage of a lot of parents who simply don’t realize what they’re getting into. Then four years later it’s like, ‘Welcome to the real world, Mom and Dad!’” Citing the present trend of tuition hikes and stagnant wages, Wallace added that his parents might well be forced into bankruptcy by the time he has completed a decent Ph.D. program.
New Report Finds Climate Change Caused By 7 Billion Key Individuals #~# WASHINGTON—In a landmark report experts say fundamentally reshapes our understanding of the global warming crisis, new data published this week by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has found that the phenomenon is caused primarily by the actions of 7 billion key individuals.
Area Man Can Remember Exactly Where He Was, What He Was Doing When He Assassinated John F. Kennedy #~# LANGLEY, VA—Saying that he will never forget the events of that fateful day, local man Edgar Denton, 81, told reporters Friday that, five decades later, he could still recall exactly where he was and what he was doing the day he shot and killed former U.S. president John F. Kennedy.
Controversy Over ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ Sequel #~# A group of Hollywood producers announced they are working on a sequel to the classic 1946 Christmas film It’s A Wonderful Life, although Paramount Pictures, which owns the rights to the original film, has said it will fight to keep It’s A Wonderful Life: The Rest Of The Story from being made. Here are the plot points of the sequel that have stirred controversy:
Poll: Most In U.S. Believe JFK’s Death A Conspiracy #~# Fifty years after President John F. Kennedy’s assassination, a Gallup poll has found that 61 percent of Americans still believe JFK’s murder was a conspiracy and not carried out by Lee Harvey Oswald alone. What do you think?
Today’s Kids Take 1.5 Mins Longer To Run Mile Than ’80s Kids #~# The American Heart Association found that children today take 90 seconds longer to run a mile than did children 30 years ago, with researchers attributing 30 to 60 percent of the decline in running performance to kids’ increasing fat mass. What do you think?
Parents Finally Cave And Buy 33-Year-Old Son PlayStation 1 #~# KENOSHA, WI—Having refused to purchase the video game console since its introduction in 1994, local parents John and Melissa Gionda confirmed Thursday that they had finally caved in and bought a Sony PlayStation 1 for their 33-year-old son, Daniel. “It has some violent games I still don’t approve of, but I know it’s something Daniel really wanted, so we finally figured, ‘Why not?’” Melissa Gionda said shortly after purchasing a bundle package containing the PlayStation console, a 1-megabyte memory card, and copies of Crash Bandicoot, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2, and Spyro The Dragon for the 2002 college graduate and digital marketing analyst. “We’ve always felt that video games would have been a huge distraction from his schoolwork and first four jobs after college, but Daniel has been patient and waited long enough to get a PlayStation. As long as he doesn’t sit around all day in front of the TV, it’ll be fine. And we got him an extra controller, too, so he can play it with his friends or his son Mark.” Despite buying the video game system, the Giondas confirmed that they still refuse to buy the 33-year-old a copy of the 1992 Megadeth album Countdown To Extinction.
Man Was Himself For 27 Minutes Today #~# ST. LOUIS—Temporarily ceasing all his regular affectations and posturing, local man Jeremy Claremont was his actual, genuine self for nearly half an hour today, sources have confirmed. “I was definitely myself for about six minutes there while eating breakfast, and then again during the first three minutes and 45 seconds of my commute, right up until the point I hit traffic,” said Claremont, speaking to reporters during one of the 27 nonconsecutive minutes in which he exhibited his true personality. “I also let my guard down at 1:14 p.m., when I was eating lunch with coworkers, but that stretch ended by 1:22, around the time the topic of conversation switched to business. Likewise, I didn’t betray my authentic self during the cumulative six minutes I spent urinating today.” According to reports, the 36-year-old was unable to be himself during the eight hours he slept, as he spent nearly all that time dreaming he was someone else.
Kindergarten Class Burning Through 6 Hamsters A Year #~# LIGONIER, PA—Attributing the high levels of attrition to a combination of handling errors and poor oversight, Holy Trinity School kindergarten teacher Alyssa D’Orazio told reporters today that her class is currently burning through hamsters at a rate of six per year, with every indication that the figure will rise. “We blew through two in one week this October,” said D’Orazio, adding that if her students continue to cycle through the rodents at this pace, current classroom pet Lancelot likely will not live to see Thanksgiving break. “Take-homes are now a hard, hard no. But I figure if we reduce out-of-cage playtime and take Rory and Eva off feeding privileges entirely, we might be able to get the average down to a more reasonable number.” D’Orazio added that if Benjamin Szygenda were to be transferred to a different class, it would likely have an “enormously positive” effect on their average hamster’s lifespan.
Bears Giving Jay Cutler A Few Years To Properly Heal #~# CHICAGO—Claiming they don’t want to rush the veteran play caller, Bears coach Marc Trestman announced Thursday that the team is giving quarterback Jay Cutler three to four years to properly heal from a lingering ankle injury. “For the sake of the Chicago Bears, we feel it’s best for Jay to take as many years as he needs to fully recover,” said Trestman, who reportedly advised Cutler not to worry about returning in time for the playoffs or the 2014 NFL season. “Looking at the big picture and long-term goals of this football franchise, it would be reckless and irresponsible to allow Jay to get back on the field too soon. Unfortunately, high ankle sprains can be tricky and sometimes need one or two hundred weeks to fully mend.” Bears general manager Phil Emery emphasized that Cutler should focus solely on rehabbing the ankle and that signing a contract extension with the team should be the last thing on anyone’s mind.
Attractive Woman Surprised To Learn Coworker A Dick #~# LAWRENCEVILLE, PA—Noting with some degree of confusion that “he’s always really sweet to [her],” attractive Kolfax Group sales associate Leslie Shiller admitted Thursday she was surprised to learn account manager Eric Cryan is widely considered to be a total fucking prick. “Wow, that’s so weird—Eric’s so nice and friendly,” the beautiful 27-year-old said of Cryan, who according to coworkers is routinely short with the company’s receptionists, micromanages all his employees, and generally makes the office an unpleasant place to work. “We’re really talking about Eric here? He seems like such a sweetheart. Anytime I need something, he’s happy to stop whatever he’s doing and help. He even pops by sometimes just to chat and ask how things are going with me. Huh.” The slim, well-toned Shiller was also reportedly surprised to learn that several of her female coworkers think she’s “a stuck-up bitch.”
Inventor Of Gromdar Determined To Put A Gromdar In Every American Home #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Laying out his vision for the company’s future at a shareholder meeting yesterday, Gromdar, Inc. cofounder and Gromdar inventor Jeffrey Shanes said that he is determined to put a Gromdar in every home in the nation, sources reported.
Siblings Gather Around PowerPoint To Hash Out Off-Limits Topics For Thanksgiving #~# DELMAR, NY—In an effort to ensure a smooth and enjoyable dinner with their relatives, siblings Jason, Alyssa, and Leslie Conroy reportedly sat down together Tuesday evening for a PowerPoint presentation covering all of the conversation topics that will be off-limits during the family’s Thanksgiving gathering. “As you can see here, we’re unsure whether or not cousin Jessica is actually college-bound, so we’re going to avoid that subject and stick to the key talking points listed in this table,” said Alyssa Conroy, 26, during the siblings’ 48-slide presentation, which reportedly featured pie charts breaking down the state and national voting histories of extended family members, as well as Venn diagrams illustrating what each relative knows about their father’s upcoming surgery. “While we’d like to stay away from this topic if possible, this timeline does lay out Sarah’s various employers and subsequent job search over the last several years, and the chart to the right summarizes Uncle Jack and Aunt Peg’s opposing viewpoints on the matter. Now, if you would open your handouts to page 14, Jason’s going to give us the outline of Dad and Uncle Jack’s ongoing argument about renting a house together in Cape Cod this summer.” The presentation reportedly concluded with a reminder not to ask Uncle Tim’s girlfriend anything, a slide that has been carried over from the last seven straight PowerPoints.
Ohio Walmart Holds Food Drive For Own Workers #~# A Walmart location in Canton, OH has placed a number of large bins in one of the back rooms of its store to collect donations for company employees who are having difficulty putting enough food on the table during the holidays. What do you think?
Passenger Assures Flight Attendant He Has Opened Emergency Exit Dozens Of Times Before #~# SALT LAKE CITY—When asked if he needed any special instructions for the safety hatch’s use, airline passenger Jeffrey Evars reportedly assured a Delta flight attendant Wednesday that he had both sat in exit rows and opened emergency exit doors many, many times before. “Yeah, yeah, I open these all the time—don’t worry about it,” Evars reportedly told the flight attendant, waving her away as he explained that he cracks open the sealed evacuation doors on nearly every plane trip he takes. “Trust me, I’m an old pro at this. You just crank the lever down and twist it a few times. It’s easy. Here, look, I’ll pop this one open now.” At press time, Evars had opened the emergency exit, deployed the inflatable slide, and left the plane.
‘Hip-Hop Conservative’ Congressman Caught With Cocaine #~# Former Fox News Radio talk-show host and self-proclaimed “hip-hop conservative” Trey Radel, a first-term Florida Tea Party congressman, pled guilty to cocaine possession today. What do you think?
Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows To Unleash Tranquility On West #~# WASHINGTON—In a 45-minute video posted on Tibetan websites Thursday, Tsuglag Rinpoche, leader of the Buddhist extremist group Kammaṭṭhāna, threatened to soon inflict a wave of peace and tranquility on the West.
Report: Employers Created 40,000 New Jobs For Existing Employees Last Month #~# WASHINGTON—In a promising development for the nation’s workforce, a report released Wednesday by the U.S. Department of Labor shows that employers created approximately 40,000 new jobs, additional responsibilities, and miscellaneous tasks for their existing employees last month. “Despite unwavering unemployment figures, I’m proud to report that private sector companies continue to add many, many new jobs to their employees’ workloads,” Labor Secretary Thomas Perez told reporters, saying that managers and supervisors across the country are actively increasing the number of commitments and obligations expected of their staff. “In every industry, companies are drastically increasing the amount of work that needs to be completed, as well as tacking on thousands of assignments previously performed by departed employees. In many cases, we are even finding that employers have brought on several unpaid interns to share in the abundance of job duties.” Perez noted that, as an added benefit, the increase in the amount of work being performed by the nation’s jobholders has enabled these same individuals to accumulate millions of hours of unpaid overtime.
Columnist Getting All Self-Righteous About Rape Epidemic In College Sports #~# PITTSBURGH—With his sanctimonious, holier-than-thou attitude, local sports columnist Lucas Durbin is getting insufferably self-righteous and pretentiously didactic about the rape epidemic afflicting the world of collegiate athletics, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Who does this guy think he is, Jesus fucking Christ?” Pittsburgh Post-Gazette subscriber James Gillespie said of Durbin’s latest preachy editorial, in which the journalist hoisted himself up on his soapbox and called on college administrators to acknowledge the rash of sexual assaults being committed by student athletes and actively work to make the nation’s campuses safe for women. “Yes, many allegations of rape against high-profile athletes are downplayed or outright ignored. Yes, the culture of alcohol and drug abuse that exists among college students makes rapes that much more likely. Yes, many rapes go unreported. Yes, sexual assault victims are often intimidated and threatened by the rapist’s friends, teammates, and fans. Yes, law enforcement is often complicit in working with colleges to cover up sexual assault cases to protect the school’s reputation and keep its athletic program running smoothly. Yes, those players who are accused of sexual assault rarely, if ever, are charged with a crime. We get it, Your Excellency. Why don’t you give it a rest already?” At press time, Durbin was once again getting on his high horse and trotting out some hapless story about a college freshman who committed suicide after being raped by a member of the Notre Dame football team, as if readers hadn’t heard it all a dozen times before.
Friend Who’s Going Through Difficult Emotional Time Carefully Avoided #~# BUTLER, PA—Saying that the 33-year-old has been going through a pretty rough patch lately and might even be clinically depressed, friends of local man Darren Lalley confirmed they are taking care to avoid him as much as possible. “Yeah, Darren’s in kind of a bad place right now, so I’m doing the best I can to keep my distance,” said Lalley’s friend John Carver, 32, who mentioned that lately he has been sending Lalley’s calls to voicemail and going invisible whenever he signs onto Gchat. “I definitely want to give him his space now that the holidays are coming, because that’s always the worst time of year for him. If we bump into each other at any of the same parties, it’ll be tough tiptoeing around personal stuff and sticking to small talk, but I’ll try my hardest.” Carver added that he is also making a point of avoiding his friend David Osborn, who reportedly won’t stop talking about how happy he is to be engaged.
White House Announces Sasha Obama To Now Be Played By Britney Watkins #~# WASHINGTON—In a move that has caused a nationwide stir among the first daughter’s extensive fan base, White House officials announced at a press briefing Thursday that starting next week, Sasha Obama will be played by up-and-coming actress Britney Watkins. “When my agent called yesterday and told me ‘You got Sasha,’ I couldn’t believe it,” said Watkins, the 12-year-old replacing identical twin actresses Ashley and Jamie Richards, who have played the role to mostly positive reviews since 2011. “I’m really excited about the opportunity to take Sasha in a new direction. The nation should expect her to become a little moodier as she enters her teenage years. She might even be getting into a little more trouble than what people are used to seeing.” Sources confirmed Watkins has already visited the White House wardrobe department and been outfitted with lace-up platform boots, a black velvet cloak, and additional goth attire.
Study: Video Games Don’t Negatively Impact Kids’ Behavior #~# Contrary to popular perceptions that playing video games causes psychological and emotional problems in children, a study of 5-year-olds in the United Kingdom found no correlation between electronic gaming and behavioral issues. What do you think?
George Zimmerman Arrested For Domestic Violence #~# George Zimmerman, who was acquitted in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, was arrested on a felony charge of assault after his girlfriend said he broke a glass table, pointed a shotgun at her face, and then locked her out of the house they share. What do you think?
Terrified Obama Trapped Inside Healthcare.gov Website #~# WASHINGTON—According to an urgent report issued today by the White House, a terrified and frantic President Obama is currently trapped inside the healthcare.gov website.
Study: American Intestinal Bacteria Most Obese In World #~# SEATTLE—A study published Tuesday by the University of Washington revealed that the gastrointestinal bacteria of American citizens are the most obese in the world. “We found that American intestinal microorganisms consume an unhealthy diet rich in sugars, fats, and processed foods, and as a result, tend to be severely overweight compared to international averages,” said researcher Benjamin Singh, highlighting electron microscope images of American Bifidobacteria cultures that showed their bulging plasma membranes and thick layers of internal cytoplasm. “Indeed, most intestinal microbes residing in U.S. residents had difficulty propelling themselves around the GI tract with their flagella and spent most of their time ingesting saccharides in the same stationary position in the gut, which leaves them at high risk for chronic health problems and a shorter life cycle overall.” Singh added that there was little hope of curbing the obesity epidemic in the near future, noting that most American intestinal bacteria live in areas where nutritious food options simply are not available.
Woman Who Had Almost Formed Healthy Sense Of Self Rejoins Social Media #~# OVERLAND PARK, KS—Having reportedly developed an increased sense of satisfaction with her body image, career, relationship status, and overall identity in recent months, area woman Katie Baransky came remarkably close to forming a well-adjusted, positive sense of self before rejoining social media Tuesday morning, sources confirmed. “I was thinking I might just get back on Facebook, maybe Instagram, and just casually check in from time to time,” said the 29-year-old woman whose self-esteem was right on the cusp of being healthy and is now mere days away from once again plummeting into a veritable maelstrom of jealousy, neediness, and self-loathing. “I’m just going to use it to keep in touch with friends and see what people are up to. It’s supposed to be a fun little diversion, you know? And that’s what it’s going to be for me this time.” At press time, Baransky was angrily clicking through all 43 pictures in the Facebook wedding album of a person she went to high school with while wondering why no one was “liking” her most recent status update.
This First Time Area Man Hearing About Daughter Dating George Zimmerman #~# APOPKA, FL—After his daughter was reportedly threatened, held at gunpoint, and shoved out of her home by her live-in boyfriend yesterday, the father of area woman Samantha Scheibe told reporters this is the first time he’s hearing anything about his daughter dating George Zimmerman. “Wait, you mean that George Zimmerman? Like, the guy who shot the kid?” the stunned father said while rapidly scanning news articles for any clues as to how his 27-year-old daughter happened to meet, much less become romantically involved with, the man nationally recognized for pursuing and killing an unarmed teenager in February of 2012. “I mean, I heard her mention she was seeing a guy named George, but how in the world was I supposed to know she was talking about George fucking Zimmerman? Christ, how long was this going on? Were they serious?” The disgruntled father added that his daughter better not be pregnant.
Totally Irresponsible Parents Remember To Drop Son Off At Football #~# CRESTON, IA—Apparently not caring about the 10-year-old’s health or safety at all, local parents Laura and David Turner heedlessly remembered again to drop off their son Jacob at football practice, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Have fun, Jake,” said the negligent father, displaying the same reckless disregard for Jacob’s welfare as with the last 12 times he remembered to bring the child to football practice. “Listen to the coach and just try to do your best out there.” At press time, Jacob had reportedly been stuck there for three whole hours.
I Like Living In L.A. Because People Don’t Act Weird When They See Me On The Street #~# We’ve all seen how people can act around big stars. They’ll openly gawk at them, even interrupt them when they’re just trying to enjoy a meal at a restaurant. And hey, I get it, people love celebrities. But the truth is, Hollywood actors like myself appreciate common courtesy as much as anyone else. That’s why I like living in Los Angeles, where I can go out in public and no one ever acts all weird when they see me coming down the sidewalk.
Most Used Words In The Gettysburg Address #~# One hundred fifty years ago Tuesday, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the historic Gettysburg Address at the site of the bloodiest battle of the American Civil War. Here are the words and phrases used in Lincoln's speech weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.
‘Luck’ Producers Still Killing A Lot Of Horses #~# LOS ANGELES—Nearly two years after the HBO drama’s early cancellation due to animal rights concerns, the producers of Luck confirmed yesterday that they continue to cripple and euthanize horses on a regular basis. “After production on the series shut down, we pretty much just switched to killing horses full-time; we probably finished off the original herd in about a week,” said producer and show creator David Milch, who explained that he, producers Michael Mann and Carolyn Strauss, and the rest of the crew now receive a fresh shipment of purebreds each week, running the horses until they collapse in painful throes of agony and a veterinarian must be sent onto the track to put them down. “Sometimes Dustin Hoffman still stops by to help out with the killings. We all miss the show, but it’s great that we’ve been able to continue our work on this level, at least.” Sources at HBO reported that the producers plan to explore the world of dog racing next.
Spicy Chips, Snack Foods Sending Kids To ER #~# Doctors across the country are reporting increases in the number of children arriving at emergency rooms with painfully inflamed stomachs after consuming chips and other snack foods with extremely spicy flavorings, such as Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. What do you think?
Dick Cheney’s Daughters Feud Over Gay Marriage #~# Liz Cheney, who is running for a Senate seat in Wyoming, recently voiced her opposition to gay marriage, prompting her sister, Mary Cheney, who is married to her same-sex partner, to issue a response on Facebook stating that Liz is “on the wrong side of history.” What do you think?
Report: 92% Of Divorced Parents Get Back Together If Children Ask Enough Times #~# EVANSTON, IL—In a groundbreaking study experts say could help repair millions of broken families, researchers from the Family Institute at Northwestern University have found that 92 percent of divorced parents will get back together if their children ask enough times. “People tend to assume that couples who’ve been divorced for many years are unlikely to reunite with each other, but research shows that 9 times out of 10, parents will get back together and stay together if their children ask or beg them to do so for a certain period of time,” lead author Dr. Hannah Morris wrote in the study, noting that even if parents have remarried other people, relocated to different areas of the country, and had babies with their new partners, they will nearly always return to their old lives and be a contented couple again if children repeatedly express a strong desire for them to do so. “For example, one 7-year-old subject remained quiet and withdrawn for years after his parents’ divorce, only rarely mentioning his ardent wish for them to rekindle their love. But after telling his mom and dad about seven or eight times how much he wanted them to be a family again, the parents decided to give their relationship another try and got remarried within a year. And they are all very happy now.” Researchers added that an astonishing 98 percent of divorced parents will remarry if their children make a secret, special wish when blowing out their birthday candles.
Cancer Researchers: ‘Don’t Get Cancer’ #~# PHILADELPHIA—Calling the contraction of the disease “not good,” and saying that not having the illness is highly preferable to having it, oncologists representing the American Association for Cancer Research urged the U.S. populace Monday not to get cancer.
NFL Week 11 Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 11th week of the NFL season:
Open Floor Plan Increases Office Shooter’s Productivity By 95% #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Carlyle Digital’s new open floor plan has increased the productivity of ex-employee and current office shooter Frank Pendrowski by at least 95 percent, the 37-year-old told reporters during his homicidal rampage on Monday. “I’m utilizing space in a much more efficient way, there are no obstacles for coworkers to hide behind, and if one of them tries to run, I can track them down nearly immediately,” Pendrowski told reporters as he rapidly headed down one of the office’s sleek, uncluttered corridors, indiscriminately unloading an M14 semiautomatic rifle into the bullpen-style work environment. “All the departments are integrated into this single cohesive unit—so if I suddenly want to head over to the sales team and gun every last one of them down, I can access them almost instantly. Even the CEO [Mark Greeley] sits out here with everyone else, so I can just pop over and shoot him in the back of the head, no problem. I’m getting so much done!” Pendrowski did admit, however, that the modern layout had likely decreased his creativity during the massacre by at least 50 percent.
Report: Kanye West, Bill Gates, Tom Hanks All Currently Reading, Enjoying This Article #~# Mila Kunis, Too
How Facebook Is Trying To Retain Users #~# Facebook executives recently admitted that younger teenagers are abandoning the site for newer mobile messaging and social sharing apps, while a study from earlier this year found that the social network lost 11 million active users overall in the U.S. and Britain. Here are some options Facebook is considering to retain its existing users and win back those who have defected:
More Teens Using E-Cigarettes #~# While the percentage of teens who smoked cigarettes stayed roughly the same between 2011 and 2012, health officials found that the percentage of high schoolers and middle schoolers who used e-cigarettes nearly doubled. What do you think?
‘Sunday NFL Countdown’ Crew Gives Some Dumb Fucking Demonstration On Fake Field #~# BRISTOL, CT—Sources confirmed this evening that ESPN’s Sunday NFL Countdown crew is currently giving some dumb fucking demonstration on a fake field in their studio. Initial reports indicate that Cris Carter and Keyshawn Johnson are taking off their jackets and lining up three goddamn feet away from each other as quarterback and wide receiver to explain how a corner route works, though it remains unclear as to how this is pertinent information for tonight’s game. Christ, now Mike Ditka’s coming over to line up as a linebacker or defensive end and pretending to pass-rush Carter in slow motion. Those close to the situation say everybody just froze mid-play so Carter could explain some bullshit about looking off the safety that isn’t even there. According to witnesses, Johnson just caught the ball that was barely flicked to him and is now dancing while Ditka mumbles some forced trash talk about sacking Carter if this had been a real game. At press time, the stupid segment still wasn’t over yet.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 11 Picks #~# OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 11 games:
China To Loosen One-Child Policy #~# The Chinese government announced that it will ease its 33-year-old population control measure that limited most couples to one child, and will begin allowing families to have two kids if one of the parents is an only child. What do you think?
Independent Bookstore Puts The Dave Eggers Right Where The Fuckers Can Find Them #~# PORTLAND, ME—Saying that he wanted to make things as easy as possible for all the dumbshits to locate, Back Pages Bookshop owner Stephen Larrick told reporters Friday that he had placed all of the Dave Eggers titles on a table near the independent bookstore’s entrance where any stupid son of a bitch who wandered in could find them. “A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius, Zeitoun, the new one—I piled all that shit smack-dab in the middle of the room for the dum-dums to snatch up,” Larrick said of the centrally located display, adding that he had attached a handwritten list of staff recommendations that directed the fuckers to several further titles located nearby. “And wait until these dim bulbs see the bookcase I set up with those anthologies of George Saunders’ short stories. They’ll start squealing like pigs in shit.” Larrick added that he would almost feel bad for these chumps if he wasn’t riding them straight to the goddamn bank.
Secretary Of Transportation Worried He’s Not Living Up To Legacy Of Claude S. Brinegar #~# WASHINGTON—Calling himself a pale shadow of his storied predecessor, U.S. Secretary of Transportation Anthony Foxx admitted to reporters Friday that he often worries whether he’ll ever be able to live up to the monumental legacy left by Claude S. Brinegar. “I try my best everyday to ensure a safe and efficient nationwide transportation system, but there are days when I just stop and think, ‘Who am I kidding? I’m no Brinegar and I never will be,’” said Foxx, adding that the “legendary” third chief of the U.S. Department of Transportation set an impressive and “humbling” standard for administering the nation’s transportation policies that no subsequent transportation secretary has ever been able to match, let alone best. “We’re talking about Claude Stout Brinegar here, for God’s sake. The man who tackled price gouging in the fuel industry, expanded commercial air service between the U.S. and the Soviet Union, and navigated this country through the 1973 oil embargo. I mean, what chance do I stand against a legacy like that?” Foxx added that he can at least take consolation in the fact that he’s already “kicking the shit out of [14th Secretary of Transportation] Norman Mineta.”
R.E.M.’s Children Still Hoping Parents Will Get Back Together #~# PORTLAND, OR—Claiming they are still struggling to accept their parents’ split-up, the children of seminal alternative rock band R.E.M. revealed Friday that they continue to hope their parents’ band will one day reconcile. “I just don’t understand why they can’t be happy together like they were before, when things were good,” said Zoe, daughter of guitarist Peter Buck, echoing the thoughts of Julian Mills and Zelda Buck, who just want their parents in the acclaimed jangle pop group to get back together in the studio. “I asked my dad if it was our fault that they broke up and he said, ‘No, honey, of course not. Sometimes adult Gen X musicians just don’t get along.’ But it hurts. I just want it to be like it was on the Monster tour again.” At press time, the members of R.E.M. reassured the children that, no matter what, they would always be the 1992 Grammy Award winners for Best Alternative Music Album.
Grown Man Who Owns Bane Action Figure Has Love To Give #~# CHICAGO—Saying that he is here, that he is caring, and that he is available, local man Philip Gorney, who owns a 6-inch Mattel action figure of the comic book villain Bane, confirmed Thursday that he has love to give. “I could make somebody happy, I am loving, and I deserve to be happy, too,” said the 31-year-old man who has drawn several full-color illustrations of the superhero Swamp Thing, has seen the film Event Horizon nine times, and is a sensitive and giving person. “I am worth it. I am worth it and there is love inside of me.” Gorney then confirmed he is a human being with feelings before sitting down to replay The Secret Of Monkey Island on a classic PC game emulator.
Man Who Drinks 5 Diet Cokes Per Day Hoping Doctors Working On Cure For Whatever He’s Getting #~# BINGHAMTON, NY—After finishing his second can of Diet Coke of the morning, local man Derek Cowan, who reportedly drinks five of the artificially sweetened soft drinks a day, expressed his sincere hope that researchers are currently working on a cure for whatever terrible disease he’s getting right now. “I’m just going to optimistically anticipate that by the time the chronic ailment I’m currently developing fully progresses, a team of dedicated researchers working around the clock in a lab somewhere will have found a cure,” Cowan said, noting that he’s “counting on” scientists to invent a pill, vaccine, patch, or other medical solution in the coming years to prevent people from contracting whatever horrific, life-threatening disease you eventually get from drinking 60 or more ounces of Diet Coke each day. “It makes sense because medicine is already so advanced that in 15 to 20 years, when I finally experience the full onset of whatever the hell freaky illness is slowly gestating inside of me with each sugar-free can of this shit, there’s bound to be at least one cure. And I hope they start working on it soon, too, because I’m not feeling so great.” Cowan added that, until that day comes, he could really go for another Diet Coke.
Area Woman Thinking About Doing That Thing Where She’s Mean To Other Women She Meets For No Reason #~# TACOMA, WA—Local woman Jillian Lauretta confirmed to reporters Friday that she was thinking of doing that thing where she acts incredibly cold and unfriendly toward other women she has just met for absolutely no earthly reason whatsoever. “You know, I think I might just go ahead and make a couple women whom I don’t know and whom I have absolutely no reason to dislike feel very uncomfortable and insecure by greeting them with a tight-lipped smile and then silently judging them,” said the 32-year-old accounts manager, adding that she might even tack on the whole bit where she reacts to every perfectly pleasant thing another woman says with chilly near-silence and then, when said woman leaves the room, say something mildly cutting about her in a way that opens the conversation up to outright trash talk if anyone else is so inclined. “While I’m at it, I’ll probably feel threatened by her based on nothing at all and then make little passive-aggressive asides about her—whereas she’ll just be really friendly to me, which will only make me feel small and petty, and my self-loathing will drive me to irrationally despise her all the more.” At press time, reports indicate that Lauretta was not laughing at a humorous remark another woman was making.
Washington Redskins Ease Tensions With Native Americans By Adding Bottle Of Booze To Logo #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to alleviate the controversy surrounding their allegedly racist name, representatives for the Washington Redskins announced Thursday that they will attempt to ease tensions with the nation’s outraged Native Americans by adding a bottle of liquor to the football team’s official logo. “We have heard the complaints from the Native American community about our logo, and we are making some key design changes so that we can at last put this matter behind us,” franchise owner Dan Snyder told reporters at a press conference in which he unveiled the newest iteration of the team’s emblem, which now features a 1.75-liter plastic jug of Black Velvet blended whiskey alongside the Redskins’ traditional Indian head profile. “After years of contentious back-and-forth over the issue, we decided to come up with a logo that at last pays fitting tribute to this country’s proud native peoples. And we believe this is that logo. You redskins like-um the firewater, right?” According to team sources, in a further attempt to mend relations with the Native American community, the Redskins have elected to donate thousands of smallpox-infested blankets to the nation’s Indian reservations.
PlayStation 4 vs. Xbox One #~# Sony and Microsoft are launching their hotly anticipated next-generation video gaming consoles this month, with the PlayStation 4 going on sale on Nov. 15 and the Xbox One arriving on shelves one week later. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two new systems:
Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Releases New Leather-Bound Philip Roth #~# NEW YORK—Publisher Houghton Mifflin Harcourt announced Friday the release of its first limited-edition, leather-bound Philip Roth, which it confirmed will arrive “just in time for the holiday season.” “This engaging and provocative author, now lovingly handcrafted in genuine calf hide, is a must-have for any collector of great American prose fiction writers,” read a press release, which went on to state that the 80-year-old Pulitzer Prize winner and author of Portnoy’s Complaint has never before been made available for purchase in his complete, unabridged form. “With his mottled-leather exterior and 22-karat-gold-accented arms and legs, Mr. Roth makes an excellent showpiece for any home library or study.” Several reviewers have criticized the newly released leather-bound author for what they describe as his unsympathetic treatment of women.
California Town On Sale On Craigslist For $225K #~# The town of Seneca, CA, a 12-acre former gold-mining outpost in the northern part of the state, is being offered on Craigslist for $225,000, which includes the town’s liquor license, three cabins, and a bar. What do you think?
It Almost As If Rite Aid Cashier Doesn’t Care About Reputation Of Rite Aid Corporation #~# PEORIA, IL—Citing the man’s wrinkled uniform and detached attitude, Rite Aid patrons surmised Thursday that, if appearances could be believed, it would almost seem as though cashier Gabriel Morales was wholly unconcerned with the reputation and overall corporate health of the third largest retail pharmacy chain in the United States. “I don’t want to jump to conclusions here, but his body language and general behavior might nearly imply that he has little or no regard for the history of the Rite Aid corporation and the image that it wants to project to the world,” said pharmacy customer Michael Valetta of the 39-year-old Rite Aid employee, noting that Morales’ nonexistent greeting, slow response time, and general air of indifference all but pointed to the conclusion that he perhaps did not see himself as a representative of the Rite Aid brand who has been tasked with upholding that company’s sense of tradition and character. “Honestly, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was just treating this job as—how should I put this—well, almost like it were any other minimum wage retail job rather than an esteemed position at one of America’s most beloved, time-honored companies.” At press time, customers were baffled to note Morales smoking outside of the store while on a break, as though he wasn’t the public face of the country’s premier purveyor of pharmacy, health, and wellness services.
Study: Women Less Likely To Climax During Casual Sex #~# According to a recent study, women are half as likely to reach orgasm from oral sex or intercourse during a one-night stand or casual hookup as when they are having sex in a serious relationship. What do you think?
How The President Plans To Fix Obamacare #~# Responding to his administration’s ongoing struggles with the launch of Obamacare, President Barack Obama announced a proposal today that would enable insurance companies to grant one-year extensions to the health plans of Americans who would otherwise face cancellation. Here are some of Obama’s other plans to fix the troubled rollout of his signature health care law:
Area Man Lacks Star Power Necessary To Carry Major Motion Picture #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Noting that the 37-year-old does not possess the looks, charisma, talent, or name recognition of a successful leading man, Hollywood insiders agreed Thursday that local account manager Dennis Kerning’s star power is not sufficient to carry a major motion picture.
Scientists Theorize Sun Could Support Fire-Based Life #~# WASHINGTON—In an announcement that could forever change the way scientists study the hydrogen-based star, NASA researchers published a comprehensive study today theorizing that the sun may be capable of supporting fire-based lifeforms. “After extensive research, we have reason to believe that the sun may be habitable for fire-based life, including primitive single-flame microbes and more complex ember-like organisms capable of thriving under all manner of burning conditions,” lead investigator Dr. Steven T. Aukerman wrote, noting that the sun’s helium-rich surface of highly charged particles provides the perfect food source for fire-based lifeforms. “With a surface temperature of 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit and frequent eruptions of ionized gases flowing along strong magnetic fields, the sun is the first star we’ve seen with the right conditions to support fire organisms, and we believe there is evidence to support the theory that fire-bacteria, fire-insects, and even tiny fire-fish were once perhaps populous on the sun’s surface.” Scientists cautioned that despite the exciting possibilities of fire-life on the star, there are numerous logistical, moral, and ethical questions to resolve before scientists could even begin to entertain the possibility of putting fire-people on the sun.
Area Dad Looking To Get Average Phone Call With Adult Son Down To 47.5 Seconds #~# OLYMPIA, WA—Saying that he’s done a few trial runs already and is confident he can reach his target time soon, area father Richard Downing, 62, told reporters Thursday that he’s on track to bring the average length of a phone call with his adult son Mark down to a trim 47.5 seconds. “As of right now, my typical phone conversation with Mark usually lasts approximately 58 seconds, sometimes a few seconds more, but I’m positive that with a few crucial adjustments I can shave 10 seconds off of that average, no problem,” Downing said, noting that he’s already adopted several changes that include making only cursory inquiries into his son’s job, responding with polite, one-word answers to any questions, and outright eliminating his own updates on the progress of an ongoing basement renovation project. “Obviously, there are a few variables I can’t control, like if he actually has some important news to tell me—then that would inevitably tack on an extra half minute and skew the average. But I think if I can avoid bringing up his girlfriend and keep the when-are-you-visiting-next stuff to a minimum, we’ll already be hovering right around the 48-second mark, give or take seven or eight seconds of awkward silence until I hand the phone over to his mother.” When reached for comment, Downing’s wife, Linda, noted that she herself is implementing a battery of conversation-expanding tactics in an attempt to boost her average talk with her son up to an even 80 minutes.
Alarming MRI Shows Peyton Manning Has Been Dead For Past 6 Months #~# DENVER—After the Broncos quarterback sustained an apparent ankle injury in Sunday’s game against the San Diego Chargers, team doctors were shocked Monday when an MRI revealed that Peyton Manning has actually been dead for the past six months. “It’s obviously never good when an injury is worse than you anticipated,” interim head coach Jack Del Rio told reporters, noting that what doctors expected to be slight tearing of the ligaments actually turned out to be a late stage of decomposition afflicting the entirety of Manning’s body. “We’ve started a rehab regimen for him, mostly trying to keep his rotting flesh from falling off the bone. Luckily, the rigor mortis hasn’t affected his mobility. And in spite of the news, Peyton’s spirits appear to be up.” While the deceased four-time MVP will be listed as questionable this week, Broncos sources expect Manning to start Sunday.
I’m Sorry, But At This School We Don’t Promote Someone To Head Surf Instructor Just Because They Directed ‘Goodfellas’ #~# Listen, you’ve come a long way since you began teaching here. You quickly picked up the subtleties of surfing, you’ve proven to be a reliable introductory-level teacher, and everyone here of course respects your lengthy and influential catalogue of cinematic achievements. Now I’m sure you’ve heard that Darren’s leaving next month, and I know you’re interested in his position, but I’m afraid here at Pacifica School of Surfing we don’t just promote someone to head surf instructor simply because they directed the film Goodfellas.
2013 Heisman Trophy Favorites #~# With the race for the Heisman Trophy heating up, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to college football’s most outstanding candidates.
Siblings Patiently Waiting For Day They’ll Be Close To Each Other #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Though they never formed a tight-knit bond as kids and still haven’t as adults, siblings Macy and Kyle Treadgold continue to wait patiently for the day they’ll finally grow close to each other, sources reported Thursday. “I thought it might happen when I was a senior in college and she was a freshman, because I figured the chance to hang out away from our parents would bring us closer together, but yeah, that didn’t happen,” said Kyle Treadgold, 31, whose sister Macy, 29, confirmed that despite saying “I love you” after their infrequent phone conversations, the siblings still feel no real connection at all. “Then when we were both in our twenties and living in the same city, I thought for sure we were finally at that age when we’d become friends. But somehow that didn’t pan out either. At this point, I think it may take a major family tragedy for us to form a lasting tie. We’ll probably have to wait until Mom or Dad dies.” According to a report suddenly received at press time, even that hasn’t managed to do it.
Console Wars Heat Up As Zenith Unveils Gamespace Pro #~# LINCOLNSHIRE, IL—With next-generation video game systems such as the Xbox One and the Playstation 4 hitting stores later this month, the console wars got even hotter today as electronics manufacturer Zenith announced the release of its own console, the Gamespace Pro, which arrives in stores Nov. 19. “With its sleek silver-and-gray box, double-analog-stick controllers, ability to play CDs, and starting price of $374.99, the Gamespace Pro is our way of saying, ‘Move over, Sony and Microsoft, Zenith is now officially a player in the console game,’” said Zenith CEO Michael Ahn at a Gamespace Pro press event, showcasing the system’s launch titles MoonChaser: Radiation, Cris Collinsworth’s Pigskin 2013, and survival-horror thriller InZomnia. “With over nine launch titles, 3D graphics, and the ability to log on to the internet using our Z-Connect technology, Zenith is finally poised to make some big waves in the video game world.” According to Zenith representatives, over 650 units have already been preordered.
Boyfriend Can Really Envision Losing His Sense Of Self Long-Term With This One #~# SALEM, OR—Increasingly smitten as the relationship enters its third year, local man Jeffrey Winston is beginning to see girlfriend Karen Lompoc as the one for whom he could throw away any claim to a personal identity for the rest of his life. “She’s that amazing kind of woman who could make a guy give up any hobbies or interests of his own—even his own circle of friends,” the doting 30-year-old boyfriend said Thursday. “As it stands, I haven’t seen a horror movie, played paintball, or watched any sport in over a year. I could honestly envision ceasing, for all intents and purposes, to be, and existing solely as an extension of her will.” Winston added that he hopes to propose to Lompoc as soon as he figures out when and how she would like that to happen.
NFL Players Worried Increased Media Scrutiny Could Disrupt Locker Room BDSM Culture #~# DALLAS—Responding to increased media attention in the wake of allegations of improper, hostile conduct within the Miami Dolphins organization, several NFL players across the league today expressed concerns that the heightened scrutiny could potentially disrupt professional football’s vibrant locker room BDSM culture. “There’s a very delicate team dynamic that exists in the locker room when we all strap on our restraints and engage in hardcore bondage play, and it needs to stay out of the public eye,” a harness-clad DeMarcus Ware told reporters through the unzipped mouth slot of his leather face mask, saying that the presence of reporters and photographers would throw off the natural environment of submission, discipline, nipple torture, and sexually charged abuse that currently thrives in all 32 NFL locker rooms. “After the game ends and we return to the locker room to hook ourselves up to the ceiling, the absolute last thing we need is some nosy journalist hanging around watching us drip hot candle wax on each other’s moaning bodies. That’s just how this sport has always been, and the media needs to respect that and keep their distance.” Ware added that any journalists attempting to access the locker room while the players are participating in their usual sadomasochistic activities would have to be taught a lesson.
Depression Accelerates Aging #~# Lab tests have shown that the cells of people who have suffered from severe depression appeared biologically older than the cells of non-depressed individuals, suggesting that the mental affliction speeds up the aging process in our bodies. What do you think?
Least Popular Guy At House Party Really Hitting It Off With Dog #~# CHICAGO—Having failed to find a single person to have a meaningful conversation with, least popular party guest Paul Whitford is really hitting it off with the host’s dog, sources are confirming.  “You’re my buddy,” Whitford said while sitting next to the dog on the couch, looking at him at eye level, and petting him as partygoers continued talking and laughing amongst themselves nearby. “You’ve been a very good boy with all these people walking around your house, but I bet you’re ready for them to get out of here, right? Yes, I bet you are. Good boy.” At press time, Whitford was reportedly flipping through a coffee table book after the dog became interested in another guest.
Obama’s Approval Rating Hits Record Low #~# With numerous problems afflicting his signature health care law, President Barack Obama is   facing the worst polling numbers of his presidency, with a record low 39 percent of Americans   approving of his performance. What do you think?
Man Just Going To Assume Apartment Has Functional Carbon Monoxide Detector Somewhere #~# DALLAS—Saying that he’s never seen it but that there’s probably one around somewhere, 24-year-old web developer Doug Horton told reporters Wednesday he is willing to just assume his apartment has a functional carbon monoxide detector. “I’m sure there’s one on a wall in the kitchen, or maybe in the bedroom,” said Horton, sitting on his sofa as he briefly scanned his living room for a device that looked like it might raise an alarm in the event of a deadly gas leak. “There has to be one, right? And even if there wasn’t, I’d probably still be able to see or at least smell any carbon monoxide that got in here, so I’m not too worried.” At press time, reports confirmed Horton had decided to open a window “just in case.”
Man Catches Bad Television Show Going Around Office #~# GLENARDEN, MD—Following a string of similar cases among coworkers this week, local consultant Eric Hubbard confirmed today that he had finally caught the bad television show going around his office. “I had a feeling I might catch it a couple days ago after Chris mentioned Season 1 was on Netflix, and by Wednesday I was home in bed marathoning the whole thing,” Hubbard said of AMC’s Hell On Wheels, the highly contagious western drama coworkers suspect started with Kristen in accounting and spread by word of mouth to other departments within days. “It’s been really bad so far. One of the worst shows I’ve caught in a while, actually. I’m super lethargic and I get headaches from staring at the screen too long. I’ll try to go in tomorrow, but even then I might have to leave early to finish the rest of Season 3.” When reached for comment, experts said the best way to avoid contracting the television show is to avoid primary contact with infected persons and stay away from public places where people may be discussing its premise and actor Common’s supporting role.
Cowardly Refugee Running Away From Problems #~# BERAHLE, ETHIOPIA—Six months after deciding his life was just too hard and fleeing over the border to Ethiopia, cowardly Eritrean man Ismael Semed continues to hide from his problems at the Berahle refugee camp, sources confirmed this week.
Breaking: Intruders Detected In Zone 17 #~# THE TIBERIUS COMPLEX—According to hazard agents stationed in Level 8 of the Pyroid Reactor, a group of unidentified intruders have been detected in Zone 17, and are at this very moment proceeding with great haste toward the first inner layer of the complex dome.
T.G.I. Friday’s Bankrupt After Spending Billions On Priceless Americana #~# CARROLLTON, TX—After years of spending billions on rare and highly expensive artifacts of American culture to display on its walls, the T.G.I. Friday’s restaurant chain announced Wednesday that it had declared bankruptcy. “We have always believed that authentic, priceless treasures of Americana were necessary to create the Friday’s dining experience, but in retrospect buying game-used, Babe Ruth–autographed baseball bats to display in each of our 900 locations was probably a mistake,” said company president Ricky Richardson, who confirmed the casual dining establishment had laid off more than half its staff, beginning with the thousands of full-time curators it employed to maintain its massive collection of memorabilia. “Showroom-condition 1957 Chevys are expensive enough to begin with, and by the time you pay to saw them in half and have them mounted on the wall in every restaurant, it costs a fortune. I suppose part of the blame falls on me for signing off on the purchase of every trumpet Louis Armstrong played during his 50-year career, and for outbidding the Smithsonian Institution on those propellers from the original Air Force One.” Richardson went on to apologize to all Friday’s shareholders, offering them each a copy of Action Comics #1 for their trouble.
Pittsburgh Residents Horrified To Learn Ben Roethlisberger Considers City Home #~# PITTSBURGH—After the veteran quarterback strongly refuted earlier reports that he would leave the Steelers this offseason, sources confirmed Wednesday that Pittsburgh residents were horrified to learn Ben Roethlisberger considers the city his home. “I always assumed he stayed here while the Steelers were playing and then went back to Ohio during the offseason, but he wants to live here for good?” said 41-year-old Pittsburgh native Melissa Galewski, who confirmed that learning the two-time Super Bowl winner has settled down and plans to live in Pittsburgh for years to come is “beyond disturbing.” “I mean, he called himself a Pittsburgher and said he wants to raise his kids here. The fact that he even has a child in the first place is already upsetting enough, but the thought of running into Ben Roethlisberger on the sidewalk or at the grocery store in 15 or 20 years’ time is just…I really don’t like this.” Sources later confirmed that in light of Roethlisberger’s declaration, property values in Pittsburgh had plummeted by 800 percent.
Survey: 1 In 10 Women Prefer Pets To Partners #~# One-tenth of women in an English survey reported that they loved their pets more than their relationship partners, while nearly a third of women said they loved their pets and their partners an equal amount. What do you think?
Male Substitute Teacher With Ponytail Cloaked In Mystery #~# GREENFIELD, RI—Knowing neither where the man came from, what his story is, or what, if anything, he hoped to accomplish, Greenfield High School students in Mrs. Edwards’ fourth period English class confirmed Tuesday that their new male, ponytailed substitute teacher has been heretofore cloaked in a veil of mystery too deep to penetrate. “He doesn’t look like our usual subs and he’s, like, 30 or something,” sophomore Peter Tate said of the enigmatic man in a dress shirt and jeans whose hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail and who told students they should feel free to address him as “Tyler.” “We didn’t really do any work. He told us he wanted today’s lesson to be more of a ‘conversation,’ whatever that means. It wasn’t really clear what else is going on with his life, but he can’t just be some weirdo because then why would the school let him teach kids?” At press time, the substitute teacher’s legend had only grown as students spotted the inscrutable figure pulling out of the school’s parking lot at lunch on a 1996 Kawasaki Ninja.
PG-13 Movies Have More Gun Violence Than R Movies #~# A study found that the amount of gun violence in PG-13–rated movies has more than tripled since 1985, with recent PG-13 films containing more gun violence than R-rated films. What do you think?
Obama Has That Sex Dream About Nation Again #~# WASHINGTON—After awaking from a restless sleep in the Presidential Bedroom, a disoriented and lightly perspiring President Barack Obama informed reporters early Tuesday morning that he had just had that weird sex dream about the entire nation again.
Black Friday Deals #~# Retailers are planning to open earlier than ever this Thanksgiving holiday, with many national department stores opening their doors by 8 p.m. Thanksgiving night. Here are some of the doorbuster deals they have unveiled for the upcoming holiday shopping season:
Man Smoking E-Cigarette Must Be Futuristic Bounty Hunter #~# ATLANTA—Several eyewitnesses confirmed Tuesday that a man seen smoking a high-tech e-cigarette device must, in all likelihood, be some sort of futuristic bounty hunter in the midst of a covert time-stream-altering mission of critical importance.
Mariana Trench Once Again Named Worst Place To Raise Child #~# NEW YORK—Parenting magazine released its annual list of the best and worst places to raise a child this week, once again naming the Mariana Trench—an undersea chasm located 36,000 feet beneath the western Pacific Ocean—as the least desirable location for rearing children.
Report: Some People Live In Pennsylvania #~# ALBANY, NY—According to the results of a comprehensive, year-long study published Tuesday, researchers have confirmed that there are some people who live in Pennsylvania. “A careful examination of the evidence we collected has led us to conclude that certain people—some male, some female—make their home in the state of Pennsylvania,” said the report’s lead author, Ryan Armstrong, noting that such individuals may be adults or children, and may reside in northern Pennsylvania, southern Pennsylvania, eastern Pennsylvania, or western Pennsylvania. “When directly asked where they live, many people we spoke with told us Pennsylvania. However, there were others who, when asked the same question, named completely different places, such as Ohio, New Hampshire, or Buffalo. This would seem to indicate that while some people do indeed live in Pennsylvania, not everyone lives in Pennsylvania.” Researchers added that if actor Tom Hanks were to purchase a home in Pennsylvania and move into that home, then Tom Hanks would be someone who lives in Pennsylvania, but this is currently not the case.
Apple Developing Larger iPhone With Curved Screen #~# Apple is reportedly designing two larger versions of the iPhone that feature 4.7- and 5.5-inch curved glass displays, though the new iPhones are not likely to appear until the third quarter of next year. What do you think?
‘NCIS’ To Cease Print Edition #~# NEW YORK—Longtime readers are already mourning the end of an era as CBS announced today that at the end of this month it would cease print operations of the popular drama NCIS after several years of diminishing ad revenue and subscription rates. “While we have always endeavored to publish the finest and most hard-hitting NCIS print content possible, our business model unfortunately can no longer support physical, hard-copy editions of the Naval Criminal Investigation Service’s adventures,” said NCIS publisher Shane Brennan, a long-time employee who delivered hard copies of the naval police procedural by truck during its infancy. “While I still think that the print edition is the best way to experience NCIS—turning each page, feeling the newsprint on your fingers—it's time for us to move on and accept that the industry is changing. Still, I know I’ll always enjoy taking one of the hardbound print anthologies of past seasons off the shelf and leafing through classic exploits from yesteryear of Gibbs, McGee, and the rest of the team.” The NCIS editorial board later confirmed that they would continue to release new content on the drama’s weekly television edition.
Folks, We Don't Usually Do This On The White House Tour, But Let's Go Tickle The President #~# And so that’s the Vermeil Room, ladies and gentlemen. Wasn’t that tableware just spectacular? Now, we’ve just about reached the halfway mark of our official White House tour, but don’t worry, there’s still a lot left to see. Between the Green Room, the Red Room, the Blue Room, and the East Room, we’ve got some of the White House’s most sumptuous interiors ahead of us. However, before we move on to the next room, I thought you folks might enjoy something very special today. Now, this isn’t something we usually do on these tours, but folks, what do ya say we go tickle the president?
White Texan Wins Election After Pretending To Be Black #~# A white conservative won a seat on the Houston Community College Board of Trustees after sending out flyers in his predominantly black neighborhood that showed stock images of African-Americans and included an endorsement by a family member who has the same name as a popular local black politician. What do you think?
ESPN Searching For A Few Loud-Mouthed Fucks For New Afternoon Program #~# BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the program will further strengthen their afternoon lineup, officials at ESPN announced Monday that the network has started searching for a few loud-mouthed fucks to host a new sports talk show. “We’re looking for three, maybe four absolutely reprehensible, know-it-all fucks to sit around a table and share their idiotic opinions about the day’s biggest sports stories,” said ESPN’s vice president of original programming Jamie Horowitz, adding that ideally, the obnoxious, pig-headed pieces of shit will be a mix of annoying national sports columnists, repulsive former athletes, and one prick from Boston. “We’ll just throw some bullshit on one side of the screen while our panel of arrogant fucking assholes scream at each other. The whole debate—if you can even call it that—will be moderated by either another loud-mouthed fuck or an attractive female broadcaster. We feel this show will really complement our other programs on ESPN and perform particularly well in the 4 p.m. time slot.” At press time, ESPN confirmed that producers had started narrowing down their initial pool of 14,000 potential candidates for the show.
NFL Week 10 Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 10th week of the NFL season:
Biden Frantically Hitting Up Cabinet Members For Clean Piss #~# WASHINGTON—A cabinet meeting in the White House’s West Wing was reportedly interrupted early Thursday morning when an agitated Vice President Joe Biden suddenly barged in, asking if anyone could “hook [him] up with a Dixie cup” of their urine. “C’mon, you gotta help me get some clean whiz—Shinseki, Donovan, I’m looking in your direction,” said Biden, who implored all 15 heads of the executive-branch departments not to say anything, noting he would be in “deep shit” if they did. “I’m not fucking around. I need some lizard juice, pronto. And dudes only—I can’t get found out like I did last time.” According to sources, Biden then hurried out of the room, vowing to return with bottles of water in case anyone needed help “kickstarting their hogs.”
How Climate Change Will Affect You #~# According to a United Nations climate report released last week, the world must cut its carbon emissions drastically by 2020 or face an increase in global temperature of 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit or more by the end of the century. Here’s how global warming will affect daily life if major action is not taken:
Experts: Jellyfish Taking Over World’s Oceans #~# Jellyfish populations have boomed across the world in recent years, a phenomenon experts say is likely caused by warming water temperatures and overfishing of jellyfish predators and competitors for food sources. What do you think?
Condom Indicted On 400 Million Counts Of Spermicide #~# ALBANY, NY—A condom allegedly employed as a local couple’s method of contraception earlier this year was indicted by a federal grand jury Thursday on nearly 400 million counts of spermicide. “Our investigation shows that the defendant, with the use of good timing and proper fitting, willingly and knowingly perpetrated the mass spermicide of nearly half a billion innocent spermatozoa,” read a statement issued by the Attorney General’s office, which also made reference to separate charges for the unidentified male and female accomplices who were said to have contracted the polyisoprene barrier’s services during a mass sperm-killing spree. “Our investigation has uncovered substantial DNA evidence linking the defendant to the crime, and we strongly urge the harshest possible sentence.” The statement went on to say that due to the extremely violent nature of the crime, the maximum sentencing of life imprisonment in a college dorm room wastebasket would be sought.
Report: Running To Factor Greatly In This Week’s Sports #~# LUBBOCK, TX—According to a report published Friday by the Texas Tech School of Health, Exercise, and Sports Science, every variation of running, from light jogs to full-out sprints, will factor heavily into the execution and outcomes of this week’s sports. “Our studies show that running in some variety or another will be required for nearly every athlete—both amateur and professional,” said Dr. Henry Chalmers, a lead researcher on the 14-month-long study. “Upper body strength, hand-eye coordination, and balance were a few of the other central factors we identified as important, but time after time we found that swift terrestrial locomotion will be prominent.” The study also revealed that, unfortunately, kicking was also a contributing factor in several sports, but researchers noted that those required running immediately before or after every kick.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 10 Picks #~# OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 10 games:
FDA To Ban All Trans Fats #~# The FDA proposed new guidelines that would ban nearly all artificial trans fats, which are found in products such as frosting, margarine, microwave popcorn, and frozen pizza, a measure that they say could prevent 20,000 heart attacks a year. What do you think?
Report: American People Lead World In Compressing Big Sandwiches So They’re Bitable #~# WASHINGTON—A new report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center has found that Americans lead the world in their ability to take very large sandwiches into their hands and crush them until they are small enough to fit inside the human mouth. “When it comes to manually compressing a towering heap of meat, cheese, and bread into manageable bites, U.S. residents are far more adept than their peers in other nations,” said lead researcher Hugh Newell, adding that while most Americans can apply an impressive 400 pounds of pressure per square inch to a hero or roll, their skill in simultaneously maintaining the sandwich’s structural integrity is what ultimately sets them apart. “Few people outside the United States are capable of wrapping their mouths around a triple-decker turkey club while sealing off the sides and back of the sandwich with a grip so powerful it completely eliminates the loss of any wayward pickles or tomatoes. You put a Czech or a Cambodian in that situation and the whole thing just falls apart in their hands.” Researchers have announced plans to conduct a follow-up study on Americans’ ability to also cram a lengthwise-folded slice of pizza in there while they’re still chewing the sandwich.
Woman Always Dreamed Of Opening Her Own Sparsely Attended Dance Studio #~# PORTLAND, ME—Looking on proudly as her afternoon tap class got underway with only three paying students, local DanceWorks studio owner Hayley Caslin expressed a deep sense of satisfaction to reporters Thursday at achieving her lifelong dream of running a poorly attended, unprofitable dance school.
NFL Scout Hoping Player’s Hometown Friend ‘Big Killah’ Won’t Be Liability #~# MIAMI—Declaring that University of Miami wide receiver Marcus Henderson could be the missing piece to their franchise, a NFC West scout told reporters Thursday that he hopes the player’s hometown friend Chris “Big Killah” Dawkins will not be a liability.
Mobile Quarterback Era Not A Thing #~# BRISTOL, CT—Refuting numerous claims recently asserted in the world of football analysis, sources confirmed Friday that the so-called mobile quarterback era—a trend in the NFL in which the league supposedly is being dominated by aggressive, run-friendly signal callers—is not actually a real thing. “There is no mobile quarterback era and we are not living in it,” said ESPN analyst Ron Jaworski, noting that despite recent theories to the contrary, the best quarterbacks in the league remain those who adhere to the traditional offensive philosophy of dropping back and passing, there have never been more passes thrown than there are today, and that this has not and is not likely to change. “Look at the best QBs in the league right now: Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady. These are the types of players who consistently put points on the board, and the majority of the time they do so by passing the football or handing it off to another player to run. That is how the game is played.” In support of his point, Jaworski noted that some of the quarterbacks who have in the past been touted as revolutionizing the game of football with their run-heavy approach include Vince Young, Michael Vick, and Tim Tebow.
Lady Gaga To Sing In Outer Space In 2015 #~# As part of the Zero G Colony festival that is set to take place in early 2015 at Spaceport America in New Mexico, Lady Gaga will perform a single song aboard a Virgin Galactic spaceflight, becoming the first pop star to sing in space. What do you think?
Rival Dojo In For Big Surprise At Regionals #~# ASHBURN, VA—Local 17-year-old Clint Hrabik, a second kyū brown belt at Ashburn Enshin Karate, issued a statement Wednesday indicating that rival dojo Falls Church Enshin Karate was in for a big surprise at regionals this year. “Sensei Nima and his students may think they’re the best dojo in northeastern Virginia, but they will soon learn they are quite mistaken; we’ve been doing things a little differently up here in Loudoun County,” said Hrabik, cryptically hinting that Ashburn’s Sensei Vlado has taught his second-place team “a little something” Falls Church won’t be expecting. “Let’s just put it this way: We’ve incorporated a very interesting new technique into our training. And Sensei has taught us well.” Region 2 AAU Karate championships will take place Dec. 1 at 2 p.m. in the Fairfax High School boys’ gymnasium.
Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to do anything about them. “I want to thank you for bringing these serious concerns to my attention,” said the man with no chance whatsoever of effecting change of any sort anywhere in the company. “These matters are very important, and I’m extremely grateful to you for speaking up about them.” According to sources, the man who will never in a thousand years bring any of this to Steve’s attention then pledged to bring all this to Steve’s attention immediately.
High School Elects Gay 45-Year-Old Homecoming King For First Time In School History #~# CANTON, OH—In a momentous and historic event for McKinley High School last Friday, software engineer Kenneth Garza became the school’s first ever gay 45-year-old man elected homecoming king, sources confirmed. “Thank you, kids, this is wonderful,” said the middle-aged homosexual, addressing homecoming revelers from the royalty float beside his 17-year-old homecoming queen, McKinley High senior Jillian Buccolo. “Even when I made Homecoming Court I didn’t think this was possible, but you looked past my sexual preference and age and just accepted me for who I am. Anyway, the decorations look great, and you kids did just a fantastic job here. Go Bulldogs!” In addition to electing Garza to the prized position, several anonymous sources confirmed that the student body had unknowingly made history by electing the school’s 50th pregnant homecoming queen.
Report: Yasser Arafat Poisoned With Polonium #~# Scientists conducted tests on the body of former Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat and found concentrations of the element polonium-210 that were 18 times the normal level, supporting the theory that he was poisoned, with many pointing their fingers at Israel. What do you think?
Report: Nation Secretly Hoping Dads Die First #~# EAST GREENBUSH, NY—While emphasizing that they hate even talking about this type of thing, the nation revealed today that, if they’re being honest, they are secretly hoping their dads die first. “Look, obviously I don’t want either of my parents to die, but if one of the two had to go first, I have to say it would be much more sad and awful to see Dad try to move on without Mom than the other way around,” said David Hill, 34, echoing the privately held beliefs of millions of Americans who feel their mother is far more suited to live out life as a widow, and Christ, they just don’t think their dads would have it in them to recover from a blow like that. “Just the image of him sitting at the kitchen table by himself hurts to think about. You know, not really going anywhere or being sure of what to do. I mean, Mom has Linda and Leanne if anything happened to him. I know she’d be okay. But Dad? I don’t know about that.” The nation’s citizens then reportedly became quiet after imagining their fathers going out to eat at a diner alone.
Highlights Of Sports Victory Parades #~# 1908: Chicago Cubs parade is notable for its low fan turnout, the team having already won a World Series title the year before
Local Teen Walks In On Family Masturbating #~# SALEM, OR—In a humiliating incident that all parties involved said they would “never get over,” Peter Miklewski, 15, confirmed he came home from school early Monday and accidentally walked in on seven members of his family masturbating in the living room. “Aaagh! Get out of here, goddammit!” shouted Peter’s parents, David and Jessica; his sister, Virginia; his older brother, Caleb; and his grandmother Emily, while his younger brother, Mark, and his aunt Fay reportedly scrambled to turn off the pornographic video they had been watching. “Why the hell don’t you knock?” Sources said that after leaving the room, Peter sighed, concluded his family members were simply at those ages, and decided never to discuss the incident with them.
Giant Burrito To Solve All Of Area Man’s Problems For 6 Precious Minutes #~# GREENSBORO, NC—According to sources at a local Qdoba, 31-year-old advertising sales associate Anthony Gerrit is about to purchase an extra-large burrito that will completely resolve every concern, burden, and troublesome issue in his life for six blissful minutes.
Marvel Comics Announces Muslim Girl Superhero #~# Marvel will introduce a new comic book series in February with a lead character named Kamala Khan, a teenage Muslim female who lives in Jersey City, NJ and who uses her shape-changing superpower to fight villains. What do you think?
Who Is Chris Christie? #~# New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie decisively won reelection last night in a victory many pundits see as a significant step toward a 2016 presidential bid. As Christie’s prominence on the national stage rises, The Onion breaks down all you need to know about the 51-year-old Republican:
Newly Naturalized Citizens Taken Around U.S. For Orientation #~# WASHINGTON—Following the successful completion of their citizenship tests and their collective recitation of the Oath of Allegiance, the nation’s newly naturalized citizens were led on a quick orientation around the United States of America by an immigration services worker Wednesday to help them become more familiar with their new surroundings. “Now, over here on your right is Philadelphia, and if you follow me up over the Appalachians I’ll show you where we produce our heavy industry,” said orientation guide Paul Little, pausing a moment to point out the Rust Belt and Great Lakes before shepherding the group along to the Gateway Arch in St. Louis where they planned to grab a quick lunch before checking out the American West. “And coming right up in front of us are 500,000 square miles of prairie. A handy trick to remember is that if you ever find yourself surrounded by hundreds of miles of flat farmland, that means you’re in the center of the country, so you can just walk in any direction and you’ll eventually come across a city. Any questions?” After finishing the tour in Barrow, AK, the 1,600 foreign-born individuals were each given a certificate of naturalization and a small American flag and left to find their way home.
Toronto Mayor Admits Smoking Crack On Video #~# Following more than five months of allegations, embattled Toronto mayor Rob Ford finally admitted this week that he smoked crack cocaine after police confirmed they had video evidence showing the mayor engaging in such behavior. What do you think?
Nation Not About To Start Giving A Shit About Canadian Politics #~# WASHINGTON—Despite Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s recent controversial admission to having smoked crack cocaine, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday that, Rob Ford or no Rob Ford, there’s just no way they’re about to start giving a shit about Canadian politics—no way in hell. “Yeah, sorry, not happening,” said 37-year-old Harrisburg, PA resident Daniel Cooke, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who told reporters they will continue happily ignoring any and all stories about the Canadian government, the politics of Canada, or scandals involving Canadian politicians. “Frankly, that guy could have been having sex with an underage boy in the middle of a parliament meeting or whatever the hell they have over there and I still wouldn’t give a shit. I don’t know or care to know who he is, where he’s from, or what he did. What I do know is that if you think I’m going to start paying attention to what’s going on with politics in Toronto or Nova Scotia or Ontario City or wherever the fuck then you’re going to be very disappointed.” The U.S. populace went on to confirm that, unless Martin Short were to somehow be elected prime minister, their interest level in Canadian politics would remain at this level indefinitely.
David Copperfield Once Again Tops The Onion’s Annual List Of World’s Most Powerful People #~# The Onion is proud to announce that in 2013, for the third year running, the newspaper’s title of World’s Most Powerful Person has been awarded to magician David Copperfield.
Salivating Andy Reid Still Chasing Perfect Seasoning #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—His mouth watering as he described the elusive blend of herbs, salts, and spices, Chiefs coach Andy Reid told reporters Wednesday that he was still determinedly pursuing a perfect seasoning. “A lot of things have to come together for a perfect seasoning,” said Reid, adding that his lifelong dream of tasting perfection led to countless hours of obsessive preparation and many late nights in the team’s kitchen facilities. “It needs to have a little grit, it needs to get hot at the right time, and it will only happen for a truly special meat. I’ve been close to the recipe for a perfect seasoning before—it’s actually why I moved to Kansas City.” Reid admitted that while the cook-offs were the most important goal, the Chiefs’ winning steak was “always in the back of [his] mind.”
Hillary Clinton Quietly Asks Bill If He Still Finds Her Electable #~# CHAPPAQUA, NY—Saying that the thought had been on her mind for a while and that she felt she needed to bring it out in the open, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly asked her husband Bill if he still finds her electable Tuesday evening.
Study: People Appear More Beautiful In Groups #~# Researchers in California found that individuals’ faces are rated as more attractive when they appear alongside those of other people, with the scientists saying that a person’s asymmetries and disproportional features appear to “average out” in groups. What do you think?
DHS Warns U.S. In Danger Of Another Eagles Reunion Album #~# WASHINGTON—Issuing a nationwide high alert and urging all Americans to “be prepared for the worst,” Department of Homeland Security acting Secretary Rand Beers announced today the “serious and imminent threat” of a possible new Eagles reunion album in the coming weeks or months.
Scientists: At Least 8.8 Billion Habitable Planets In Galaxy #~# Using data from the Kepler telescope, scientists have estimated that that our galaxy contains about 8.8 billion potentially habitable planets orbiting sun-like stars, though the number could be as high as 40 billion if non-sun-like stars are included. What do you think?
BREAKING: Authorities Currently Racing Down Highway To Arrest You For Crime You Didn’t Commit #~# Run!
You’ll Never Work In This Town Again! #~# Listen up, pal, ’cause I’m gonna give it to you straight. We all know you helped build this town. Hell, there was a time when you made this town tick. But times have changed, and your time is long past, buddy. You’re finished, get it? Done. Through. You’re all washed up.
Overstock.com Announces Plans To Develop Original Programming #~# COTTONWOOD HEIGHTS, UT—In a broad push to offer new content to the website’s millions of customers, executives from online retailer Overstock.com officially announced plans Tuesday to develop a slate of original online programming. “We’re incredibly excited to finally enter the arena of producing high-quality original entertainment, and we look forward to creating some great new comedy, drama, and children’s series that will make Overstock.com a true player in the original programming game,” said Overstock’s vice president of original programming Daniel Schulte, adding that the wholesale retail outlet has already begun production on a 13-episode run of a single-camera situational comedy starring Jason Schwartzman. “Among our new projects is an hour-long crime drama series developed by The Practice and Chicago Hope creator David E. Kelley, and we’ve also greenlit a full season of a psychological thriller starring Tim Roth as a homicide detective in a small town in Tennessee. All of these incredible new programs and more will be available to stream exclusively on Overstock.com.” Schulte also confirmed widespread fan speculation that Overstock is currently in the process of acquiring the rights to produce an all-new sixth season of the recently canceled NBC sitcom Piven.
Texans Players Wish They Were Good Enough To Rally For Gary Kubiak #~# HOUSTON—With their longtime coach just released from the hospital after collapsing during Sunday night’s game, members of the Houston Texans admitted to reporters Tuesday that they just wished the team was good enough to make a spirited on-field rally for Gary Kubiak. “We all love Coach, and don’t get me wrong, we want to go out there and win to lift his spirits so he can make a quicker recovery, but we can’t do it,” said Texans defensive end J.J. Watt, noting that while dedicating a huge victory to Kubiak “would be great,” the team is realistic about their chances after starting the season 2-6 and blowing an 18-point lead against Indianapolis last weekend. “If we were a little healthier and had a better passing game, then yeah, maybe we could come together and turn the season around for Coach Kubiak. But for now, pretty much the only thing we’re capable of is visiting him at home and playing with a ‘GK’ decal on our helmets. That’s about it.” Many players later confirmed that they might inspire Kubiak with a strong, hard-fought win in the team’s Nov. 24 game against the Jaguars.
Paul Hogan Admits He’s Still Searching For That One Career-Defining Role #~# SYDNEY—Australian character actor Paul Hogan, 74, told sources in an exclusive interview Tuesday that he’s “still searching” for that one career-defining role. “I’m proud of my work, but despite acting in a variety of different films, I’ve yet to find that one iconic, unforgettable character with whom everyone identifies me,” said Hogan, who has been appearing in motion pictures for more than a quarter century. “When people hear the name Paul Hogan, there isn’t any particular performance that comes to mind, but rather a broad range of many diverse roles. I just have to keep working, and hopefully something great will come along eventually.” Hogan then reportedly opened up about his divorce from his wife of 23 years, an actress he met while working on a film in 1986.
Kidnapped Teen Freed, Though Freedom Is Its Own Kind Of Prison, Is It Not? #~# BEDFORD, IN—The Lawrence County Sheriff’s Department confirmed Wednesday that Jessica Paulsen, a 15-year-old who went missing last month, has been freed from the home of two men accused of kidnapping her, although isn’t freedom itself, as both a figurative concept and a state of being, merely another kind of prison, one that entraps us all?
Gatorade Releases New Performance Suppository #~# CHICAGO—Gatorade officials unveiled Tuesday the newest product in its G Series line of drinks and supplements, G Push, a performance-enhancing suppository engineered in the company’s sports laboratory to hydrate and energize athletes for a full digestive cycle. “G Push has the electrolytes of four 20-ounce Gatorades in one, easily inserted gelatin capsule,” Gatorade’s director of marketing Alfie Brody told reporters, debuting the first trio of suppository flavors: Arctic Chill, Watermelon Thrust, and Lemon-Lime. “At Gatorade, we’re continually trying to innovate new ways to improve athletic performance, and we think G Push is about to revolutionize the way we amp ourselves up for competition.” The product’s new commercial reportedly features a smiling LeBron James holding a G Push suppository in his palm before the screen suddenly goes dark and text appears reading, “G Push: Is it in you?”
Study: Brushing, Flossing May Prevent Heart Disease #~# Researchers at Columbia University found a link between regular brushing and flossing of the teeth and a slower rate of plaque buildup in individuals’ arteries, suggesting a lower likelihood of suffering a heart attack or stroke. What do you think?
Financially Ruined Executive Still Piecing Life Back Together 2 Years After Occupy Movement #~# NEW YORK—More than two years after the commencement of the Occupy Wall Street protests, former Wall Street executive and financially devastated man Arthur Stratton, 65, told reporters Monday from his modest one-bedroom apartment in Washington Heights that he continues to attempt to piece his life back together in the wake of the monumental social movement that left him ruined.
Advice To Enjoy Being Young Came Out Way Sadder Than Intended #~# NEW YORK—An attempt Monday to impart a piece of upbeat, life-affirming wisdom about enjoying one’s youth reportedly conveyed a desperate, melancholy tone that made the message feel considerably sadder than intended, sources confirmed. “Enjoy all the freedom and all the options you have now because you can never go back,” a well-meaning Jeff Gibbons, 48, told Eric Portman, 24, in what observers said sounded far less like a motivational appeal to seize the day, as he meant it to, and more like a naked cry for help. “Sooner than you think you’ll wake up and you won’t have your whole life ahead of you. And those carefree days when it seemed like anything was possible will be over. So enjoy it while it lasts.” At press time, instead of coming across as playful and lighthearted, Gibbons sounded like he would absolutely kill somebody if it meant he could be Portman’s age again.
Lay’s Debuts Chocolate-Covered Potato Chips #~# Frito-Lay will begin selling a milk-chocolate-covered version of its wavy-style potato chips this week, which will be available through the holiday season and will be priced at $3.49 for a five-ounce package. What do you think?
New Documentary Reveals SeaWorld Forced Orca Whales To Perform Nude #~# WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on widespread abuses faced by orcas in captivity, a new documentary titled Under the Surface revealed that killer whales at SeaWorld and other marine theme parks are forced by trainers to perform—sometimes as often as seven times per day—completely in the nude. “These majestic creatures are required, time and again, to swim naked out in front of crowds of thousands, perform humiliating tricks entirely in the buff, and then expose their bare bodies to men, women, and children by repeatedly breaching their tanks,” animal rights activist Marissa Abelson told reporters at a screening of the film, adding that even when the whales are not performing they aren’t permitted to cover up and are left in solitary confinement, often forced to spend all night floating nude in undersized tanks. “And what’s most humiliating is how, during the shows, the trainers make them lie there unclothed and beg for food. It’s sick.” When reached for comment, a spokesman representing SeaWorld said the film completely misrepresents their orca programs, namely due to the fact that trainers work tirelessly to promote a positive body image for the whales and occasionally allow shyer orcas to perform in jeans.
Shameless Coworker Doing Nothing To Conceal Clearly Flaccid Penis Lying Beneath Khakis #~# HARTFORD, CT—Employees at Trustwell Insurance expressed shock and embarrassment Monday upon noticing that senior sales associate Mark Hansel had a visibly flaccid penis just sitting there underneath his khaki pants and was making absolutely zero effort to conceal it from his colleagues. “It was like, Christ, we can totally tell that your limp penis is right there behind a layer of fabric, Mark, and you don’t even have the decency to cover yourself up?” accounts analyst Alexis Crawford told reporters, adding that she forced herself to look away out of politeness after seeing Hansel’s completely unerect penis just hanging there, concealed beneath his khakis. “His flaccid genitals were practically staring us all in the face, covered in nothing but his khaki pants, and presumably a pair of boxers or briefs of some kind. And yet Mark didn’t try to sit down or block our view with a file folder or anything. I mean, good Lord, I didn’t come to work to see a peep show.” At press time, numerous office sources were considering reporting Hansel’s actions to corporate as an act of sexual harassment.
NFL Week Nine Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the ninth week of the NFL season:
Republican Alternatives To Obamacare #~# As the White House struggles with the rollout of Obamacare’s online health insurance marketplace, pressure has mounted within the Republican Party to begin offering conservative alternatives that address the nation’s health care crisis. Here are some of the plans the GOP is considering:
Locker Room Reporter Still Hasn’t Gotten Used To Seeing Jerry Jones Naked #~# IRVING, TX—Despite having frequently visited NFL locker rooms for several years, Dallas Morning News sports reporter Adam Laverty confirmed Monday that he’s still not accustomed to the sight of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones walking around naked after every home game. “At the end of the day, it’s a locker room, so you definitely expect to see guys changing in there, but it still feels a little weird when Jerry comes out of the showers dripping wet and totally nude,” said Laverty, adding that it is not uncommon for the 71-year-old to playfully snap towels at Cowboys players in the middle of postgame interviews with reporters. “He’ll stand there toweling off for 20 minutes, and then he’ll do a few laps around the locker room with absolutely nothing on, talking to different players and giving his thoughts on the game. It’s very distracting.” Laverty confirmed the situation has become increasingly awkward since he noticed that the discolored mole on Jones’ scrotum has been growing larger every week.
World Facing Global Wine Shortage #~# Global demand for wine outstripped supply by 300 million cases last year due to rising per capita consumption, unfavorable weather, and fewer vineyards, with researchers predicting that the shortfalls in supply will only grow larger in the future. What do you think?
Guy Wearing Texans Jersey Mercilessly Abused By Fans At Reliant Stadium #~# HOUSTON—Shouts of “Go to hell!” and “Eat shit, loser!” were heard from the stands Sunday night as a man wearing a Texans jersey was subjected to fierce harassment and abuse by fans at Reliant Stadium, sources confirmed. “Take that off, asshole!” one fan reportedly screamed as a cascade of boos, insults, and obscenities from the entire section were directed at the man, who was also given the middle finger by several spectators in an adjacent row. “You think you can show up here wearing that shit? Go home before you get your fucking ass kicked!” At press time, after being hit with a cup of beer, security had escorted the man out of the stadium for his own safety.
Patricia Belanger and Mark Russell #~# Patricia Belanger will now be Mark Russell’s new emergency contact and vice versa.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week Nine Picks #~# OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week nine games:
FAA Allows Use Of Electronics Throughout Flights #~# The Federal Aviation Administration announced that airline passengers will now be able to use certain electronic devices, such as e-readers and video gaming devices, throughout an entire flight, though cell phone calls remain prohibited. What do you think?
Centers For Disease Contraction Urges Americans To Suck Doorknob #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Centers for Disease Contraction and Preservation, Americans should suck on four to five doorknobs per day, especially doorknobs to public restrooms and doorknobs covered in a noticeable film of human hand grease.
Report: What College Recruiter Currently Doing To Be Subject Of Huge NCAA Investigation In 5 Years #~# JUPITER, FL—Sources confirmed Friday that what college recruiter Jeff Watters is currently doing will be the subject of a massive NCAA investigation in five years. “What’s happening right now with that top recruit will likely be the focal point of a seven-part exposé in Sports Illustrated and several days’ worth of intense SportsCenter coverage in the near future,” said one anonymous source, only specifying that the impermissible dealings include promises of “temporary gifts” for the player and the realization that his high school coach would be a perfect candidate for the university’s newly vacant Director of Player Personnel position. “The envelope he just handed that high school senior will be the smoking gun at the end of a long trail of subpoenaed bank statements and one-on-one interviews with other recruits and players. All of this will be denied by everyone involved and NCAA personnel will spend months, possibly years, sorting through the details.” The unnamed source added that the entire investigation and sentencing will take place after both the star player and Watters have left the college’s football program.
Nabisco Snack Physicists Develop Highly Unstable Quadriscuits #~# OAK RIDGE, TN—Snack physicists at Nabisco Labs announced Friday the first successful synthesis of a Quadriscuit cracker, a salty treat long postulated by the theoretical models of food scientists but never confirmed by experiment until now. “At the moment, this hyperwafer can only exist for six milliseconds in a precisely calibrated field of magnetic energy, positrons, roasted garlic, and beta particles,” lab chief Dr. Paul Ellison told reporters at a press conference outside Nabisco’s $200 million seven-whole-grain accelerator. “However, by bombarding the cracker with neutrons until it reaches critical levels of zestiness and crunchability, we believe we can one day develop a chemically stable and edible Quadriscuit. Needless to say, such an irresistibly tasty breakthrough could upend everything we thought we knew about snacking.” Ellison added that the snack’s existence cannot be explained by classical Fig Newtonian physics.
Area Woman Almost Imagines Taste Of Peppermint Mocha On Tongue But Stops Herself #~# ‘Patience, Patience—Soon, My Love’
Weirdest Game Finishes In Sports History #~# With the Red Sox Game 3 of the World Series decided by a bizarre obstruction call, Onion Sports takes a look at some of the strangest endings in the history of athletics. 
Facebook Use Declining Among Teens #~# Facebook stock prices tumbled after executives admitted this week that the site’s usage among young teenagers has been declining in recent months, as newer social networks like Snapchat lure away the valuable trendsetting demographic. What do you think?
Notable Individuals’ 2014 New Year’s Resolutions #~# With the new year now upon us, people throughout the world are taking this opportunity to make personal resolutions for the year ahead. Here are some notable figures’ resolutions for 2014:
The Onion’s Tips For Hosting A New Year’s Eve Party #~# Millions of people are preparing to ring in the new year by hosting friends and family for a night of food, fun, and festivity. Here are The Onion’s tips for ensuring that your New Year’s Eve party is enjoyable and memorable:
Relatives Gather From Across The Country To Stare Into Screens Together #~# OAK CREEK, WI—Turning on the television while unpacking tablets, iPhones, and laptops from their suitcases, members of the McPherson family communed from across the nation this holiday season for several straight days of staring into electronic screens while in the same room together, sources confirmed Friday. “Nothing puts me in the Christmas spirit more than sitting down on the couch with my parents and siblings, turning on the TV, and then proceeding to either look at the screen or gaze down into my glowing tablet display for hours on end,” 28-year-old Andrew McPherson told reporters, adding that he always felt most connected to his relatives when they were both silently gazing into glowing screens of some kind. “It’s just great to get home for a while and spend some quality time not speaking a single word to my relatives, whether that’s by sipping hot cocoa with my sister while we both check our emails, or by gathering the whole clan for a nice holiday meal where everyone is fixedly looking down at the text messages on their phones—’tis the season, you know?” McPherson noted he was sad, however, that Grandpa Sam would not be there to stare into screens with them this year.
Cousins Meaner This Year #~# POTOMAC, MD—Noting a perceptible shift in the young relatives’ general attitude and demeanor, Weinberg family sources confirmed Thursday that cousins Jason Weinberg, 13, and Jake Weinberg, 15, seemed a lot meaner this year.
What Do You Get For The Man Who Already Has The Complete Fleetwood Mac Discography? #~# Well, Christmas is almost here, and as usual I’ve put off my holiday shopping until the last minute. It took me a while to figure out what I was going to get for everyone, but I’m just about ready to head over to the mall: I’m thinking a new pair of earrings for my wife, or maybe a bottle of that fancy perfume she likes, and for my kids, there’s always some hot new toy or video game gizmo that they just have to have, but I’m still completely out of ideas for what I’m going to get my brother Michael. I mean, this is someone who already owns the entire Fleetwood Mac discography, so what else is left to give him?
Camera Admits It Can’t Do Much For Barry #~# MELVILLE, NY—Saying that the 39-year-old is pretty much unsalvageable at this point, a local Canon PowerShot N camera told reporters Monday that, despite featuring state-of-the-art imaging capabilities and its innovative Creative Shot mode, there isn’t really much it can do for Barry. “With most rough-looking subjects, I can always utilize the color correction tool or apply a filter to put the image in soft focus, both of which can greatly enhance the quality of any picture. But with Barry, yeah, that’s not really gonna do a whole lot of good,” said the optical instrument, which, even with its ability to analyze an image’s color, tone, and composition to produce unique and artistic photos, admitted that it still wouldn’t be able to create an image of the poor schmuck that was even the least bit aesthetically pleasing. “Even after applying a sepia-tone filter, eliminating red eye, and adjusting the light more favorably, I found that it’s simply impossible to make Barry not look like…well, Barry.” The camera went on to say that the best it could probably do would be to crop Barry out of an image altogether.
Dan Dierdorf Provides In-Depth Analysis Of Player’s Shoe Falling Off #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—CBS color commentator Dan Dierdorf provided detailed analysis of a player’s shoe falling off during the Jets-Panthers game Sunday, speaking on the subject for several minutes as he determined the factors that caused the cleat to become detached from the foot. “A shoe just popped off, right at the 25-yard line, and it’s still on the ground, lying motionless,” said Dierdorf, who methodically scrutinized several angles of the broadcast footage in slow motion, establishing “that guy’s shoe fell off during the play.” “Wow, unbelievable. If you look closely, it appears that a teammate stepped on his left heel and it comes loose. And the guy keeps going without a shoe.” At press time, Dierdorf was sharing an anecdote about a shoe falling off during his playing days with the St. Louis Cardinals as the Panthers scored a touchdown.
3-Foot-Tall Christmas Tree Really Completes Incredibly Depressing Apartment #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Noting that the sad little seasonal addition really seemed to “pull the place together,” local resident Jason Uhlir, 28, was reportedly pleased Tuesday by the way his newly purchased 3-foot-tall Christmas tree completed the unbelievably depressing look of his one-bedroom apartment. “I had this bleak, empty corner between my stained secondhand futon and the slanting bookshelf where I keep my six DVDs, so I thought it might be nice to put a misshapen, pathetically under-decorated Christmas tree there,” said Uhlir, noting how the shabby miniature pine with its two ornaments and single pitifully draped strand of colored lights really “tied together nicely” with the ratty, soiled towel he placed beneath the tree and the nearby blinking internet router and tangle of Ethernet cords in the middle of the floor. “I kind of had my own vibe going on in here with my completely blank, bare walls and oppressive fluorescent overhead lighting, so I didn’t know how a Christmas tree would look. But I have to say that this miserable little decoration and the pile of needles accumulating around it have really put the utterly dispiriting atmosphere of my apartment over the top.” Sources noted that Uhlir’s living room was only one embarrassing, shoddily wrapped Christmas present away from pulling off that hands-down, blow-your-brains-out wretched look.
2013 In Technology #~# The National Security Agency’s high-tech online spying, the debut of the Xbox One and Playstation 4, and the rise of wearable computers such as smartwatches were all major news stories this year. What do you think was the greatest advancement in technology in 2013?
Heat Fans Growing Frustrated With Team’s Lack Of NBA Titles Since June #~# MIAMI—Saying that the organization must make some serious changes in order to do justice to its impassioned fan base, supporters of the Miami Heat told reporters Friday that they are becoming increasingly frustrated with the team’s failure to win a single championship since June.
Thousands Of Americans To Notice First Signs Of Dementia While Visiting Parents Over Holiday #~# WASHINGTON—Noting that the experience is sure to be extremely upsetting, a new report has found that thousands of Americans will likely notice the first signs of their parents’ dementia while visiting over the holidays. “Shortly after arriving home from the airport, an estimated tens of thousands of adults will invariably witness one or both parents forget something that just happened, misremember details of their lives that have been discussed hundreds of times before, or momentarily lose track of what they were doing right in the middle of an action,” lead author Dr. Tim Belarde wrote in the report, adding that 80 percent will see their parents write down incorrect information on a calendar, 65 percent will hear their mothers refer to a completely nonexistent event from childhood, and half will observe their father mixing up siblings’ names. “For the remainder of their vacations, these Americans will spend hours carefully observing their parents for further signs of mental decline and then convince themselves that any brain lapses were anomalies due to the stress of the holidays, ultimately leaving with dozens of unsettling memories they will repress in an effort to deny the inevitable.” At press time, sources reported that an estimated 40,000 mothers had just asked their children to resend their flight itineraries for the fourth time.
Most Anticipated Bowl Games #~# With bowl season upon us, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to the most exciting matchups.
Scientists Believe Hockey Players May Communicate By Banging Sticks Against Boards #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Shedding light on how hockey players convey information without an advanced verbal language, a study published this week by Stanford biologists has found that players may communicate by banging their sticks against wooden boards surrounding the rink. “We found that hockey players can use stick-banging to indicate anything from disagreement with a referee to encouragement of their teammates,” said lead researcher Dr. Margaret Cundiff, who explained that players typically strike the boards a single time with force when they want to display anger, or use multiple softer taps in order to display approval. “Sometimes, an entire bench full of players will begin banging the boards in unison—either signaling that a goal has occurred, or that the players want a goal to occur. This actually lets hockey players ‘speak’ to each other, if you will, in surprisingly complex ways far beyond what was previously anticipated. They are truly magnificent creatures.” The study also concluded that hockey fans’ common behavior of pounding their hands against the glass while emitting a series of guttural grunts serves no discernible purpose.
30-Year-Old Has Earned $11 More Than He Would Have Without College Education #~# DUBLIN, OH—After accounting for the cost of tuition, four years of lost earning potential, and the minimal increase in salary an undergraduate degree provides, 30-year-old local man Patrick Moorhouse has, at this point in his life, earned $11 more than he would have had he not attended college at all, an independent study confirmed today. “All told, Patrick’s B.A. in Political Science translates to about $5,000 more in annual wages, but when you account for his student loan payments, including his 6 percent interest rate, his degree from a respected four-year university amounts to slightly more than 10 extra bucks in his wallet,” said researcher Ken Overton, adding that had Moorhouse been accepted to his more prestigious first-choice college, his earnings would have totaled $54 more than if he had never enrolled in higher education. “If Patrick had started working straight out of high school, he would have had slightly fewer job options than he does now, but living at home instead of a dorm or student apartment even just those first two years would have added at least $16,000 in total savings, which pretty much evens things out. All in all, the countless hours Patrick spent stressing about getting into school and then working hard to succeed in college have been more or less a financial wash.” The study noted, however, that one cannot ever truly put a price on the 12 Post-WWII European History lectures Moorhouse attended junior year.
Uruguay Legalizes Marijuana #~# Uruguay became the first country in the world to fully legalize production and distribution of marijuana, allowing Uruguayan citizens over the age of 18 to grow up to six pot plants of their own and purchase up to 1.4 ounces of the drug per month. What do you think?
Modern-Day Caligula Orders Everything Bagel #~# MCKEESPORT, PA—Descending into a lurid bacchanal of decadence and excess, sources confirmed that modern-day Caligula Mike Suzik indulged the darkest and most debauched of his hedonistic appetites Thursday morning by ordering an everything bagel—a frenzied mélange of poppy, sesame, onion, and garlic seasonings fit to titillate only the most depraved palates. “I’ll have an everything bagel,” proclaimed the local advertising salesman and wanton pleasure-seeker in a declaration akin to that of the infamous Roman emperor of unbounded licentiousness, demanding that not one or two but seven distinct coatings adorn the baked good for no purpose other than his own trifling amusement. “Can I get that with veggie cream cheese, too? Thanks.” At press time, the lusty sybarite was adding a Nantucket Nectars Orange Mango juice to his order—a sinful orgy of exotic fruits that only the most reprobate of libertines dare even consider—in a final flourish of intemperance wholly in step with his bottomless, perverted cravings.
Bill Belichick Places Rob Gronkowski In Patriots’ Injured Reserve Cage #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—After the star tight end suffered a torn ACL and MCL in his right knee last Sunday, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick announced this week that Rob Gronkowski has officially been placed in the team’s injured reserve cage. “It’s a huge loss, but with that type of injury we really have no choice but to shut Rob down and put him in the IR cage for the rest of the year,” said Belichick, adding that the 24-year-old tight end has joined teammates Jerod Mayo, Vince Wilfork, Tommy Kelly, Sebastian Vollmer, Justin Francis, Adrian Wilson, and Tyronne Green in the Patriots’ 10-by-10-foot electrified high-tensile-wire injured reserve enclosure. “He’s obviously not going to return for at least eight to 12 months, but that will give him the chance to heal up and get ready for next season. We’ll obviously be closely monitoring him and sending someone down there every two or three days to ensure that he’s making progress and to refill the water bowls.” Belichick also confirmed that Gronkowski would not be allowed to rush his recovery, stressing that any attempt to escape the IR cage will lead to “far more serious injuries.”
2013 In Entertainment #~# The entertainment world was abuzz this year over Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s newborn daughter North, the series finale of Breaking Bad, as well as the antics of former Disney star Miley Cyrus. What do you think was 2013’s top entertainment industry story?
Mark Jackson Encourages Golden State Warriors To Play Like Suspension Bridge #~# OAKLAND, CA—Calling on his team to use the forces of tension and compression to their advantage, Golden State Warriors head coach Mark Jackson reportedly implored his players Wednesday to play like a suspension bridge. “We need to go out there tonight and play like we’re connecting Yerba Buena Island and Emeryville for 48 straight minutes,” said Jackson, asking his players to show their opponent they are capable of bearing dead, live, and dynamic loads by shifting them from the woven wires through the towers and onto the anchors where they can dissipate into the earth. “I want to see you hustling like you’ve got two decks of traffic running along you, and I want you manning up on defense like you’re more adept at maintaining structural integrity during earthquakes. Remember, as a team you’re all eyebars holding up cables individually, so if just one of you quits for a play this entire thing is going to collapse.” Following a disappointing first half, Jackson reportedly told his team they looked more like a tubular bridge.
Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy Worried It Came Down Too Hard On Jeff Yesterday #~# JEWISH CABAL HEADQUARTERS, JERUSALEM—Saying that they never intended to behave quite so mercilessly, several prominent architects of the global Jewish conspiracy aired their concerns Thursday that they perhaps came down a little too hard on local man Jeff Crawford yesterday.
Encouraging Economic Report Reveals More Americans Delusional Enough To Start Their Own Business #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a promising new economic report published Wednesday by the National Bureau of Economic Research, a steadily growing number of Americans have become delusional enough to open their own businesses.
Freeze-Resistant Cockroaches Invade Manhattan #~# A particularly hardy species of Asian cockroach known as Periplaneta japonica, which can withstand freezing temperatures and winter conditions, has been found in Manhattan, its first confirmed presence in the United States. What do you think?
2013 In International News #~# This year, the British royal baby was born, Pope Francis became the new pontiff, and legendary anti-apartheid leader Nelson Mandela died at age 95. What do you think the biggest international story of the year was?
Hip-Hop Man Enjoys Making Musical Rapping Sounds #~# NEW YORK—Noting the degree to which he likes to say rhyming words as a type of music, sources confirmed this week that a hip-hop man very much enjoys creating musical rapping sounds with his mouth and recording said sounds for the purpose of commercial release. “He is a very good hip-hop man, he frequently performs the rhythmic rapping of words, and it is clear that he finds it enjoyable to use his mouth as a sort of word-rhyming instrument,” said Tyler Bodris, an admirer of the hip-hop man. “His musical rap noises are of a high quality, he is a successful rapping person, and he is my favorite of the various hip-hop men and women.” Sources also confirmed that the hip-hop man sounds like he is talking but is in fact making mouth-based rapping noises in what can only be described as an accompaniment, in a sense, to a drumming man, or rather the simulation of a drumming man.
Gun Laws Passed This Year #~# In the past year, over 100 bills pertaining to firearms have been passed at the state level, nearly two-thirds of which have loosened restrictions on gun ownership. Here are some of the notable gun laws enacted this year:
The Onion’s 2013 Holiday Gift Guide #~# Still unsure what to get everyone on your list this holiday season? The Onion has you covered with its guide to all of the year’s hottest gifts:
NSA Spied On Online Gamers #~# Newly released documents reveal that members of the National Security Agency spied on multiplayer online games, believing that terrorists might be using the games to communicate, coordinate real-world attacks, and pass money to one another. What do you think?
2013 In The Economy #~# Housing prices rebounded in 2013 and U.S. stock indexes hit all-time highs, though unemployment still held above 7 percent and the recovery from the Great Recession remained tepid. How did the economy affect you this year?
Man Worried About Drug Dealer Who's Not Picking Up Phone #~# ATLANTA—Growing increasingly concerned with each successive call, local man Ryan Mead, 24, began to worry late Tuesday afternoon after his drug dealer, Jared, failed to pick up his phone. “He usually always picks up around this time—I hope he’s okay,” Mead told reporters as he anxiously paced around his apartment, considering the possibility that the 19-year-old purveyor of marijuana, cocaine, and ecstasy could be lost, scared, and all alone out there somewhere. “Why isn’t he answering? I texted him, ‘Jared. Please, please pick up your phone,’ but he hasn’t responded. He’s got me worried sick!” After nearly 15 minutes with no response, Mead lost all hope and called his other guy.
Taxi Driver Just Taking His Time As If Man Not Late For Color Me Mine Pottery Party #~# PITTSBURGH—According to sources who don’t see why he can’t just step on the gas and get a move on already, a local taxi driver was apparently just taking his sweet time as if his passenger weren’t 10 goddamned minutes late for a Color Me Mine pottery party. “I told you to take the freeway, man—c’mon, I’m going to be super late,” said passenger Alan Tate to the taxi driver, who either didn’t know or just flat-out didn’t care that the paint-your-own-pottery party that Tate was on his way to was already underway and would likely run out of Midnight Black glaze within minutes. “Please, please, please just hurry up, okay? It’s really important.” At press time, well, there go Tate’s chances of painting an entire bouquet of ceramic Funky Flowers.
Friends, Family Say Derrick Rose Hasn’t Said Single Word In Past 17 Days #~# CHICAGO—Close friends and family confirmed Tuesday that Bulls point guard Derrick Rose has remained completely silent for the past 17 days, failing to utter one word since learning that the torn meniscus in his right knee will cause him to miss a second consecutive season. “Derrick just sits there; he hasn’t even moved,” said a friend who wished to remain anonymous, adding that the three-time All-Star spends most of the day on the couch staring at the ceiling. “Yesterday he inhaled deeply like he was about to say something, but then he just sighed and changed the TV channel he was watching.” Rose’s mother, Brenda, reportedly visited over the weekend and told her pajama-wearing son to remain positive in the face of adversity—an encouragement sources said the 2011 NBA MVP responded to with a shrug.
Pudgy Doughboy With Rosy Red Cheeks Presses Nose Up Against Window Of Chocolate Shop #~# BOSTON—His woolen mittens dangling from the ends of his sleeves and his mouth partially agape in breathless wonder, a pudgy doughboy with rosy red cheeks is currently pressing his round button nose up against the display window of a local chocolate shop, sources confirmed. The astonished butterball, his cheeks aglow in the biting cold, is reportedly flattening his plump face right up against the shop window, occasionally wiping the fog from the steamed-up glass as he gazes longingly at the sugary confections contained within, his mind dancing with possibility, his eyes wide with wonder. According to sources, the sight of a fresh tray of bonbons being carried ever so tantalizingly to a display table near the front of the store has caused the transfixed doughboy’s eyes to glaze over in an almost narcotic stupor of yearning and delight. Reports have also confirmed that the intoxicating aromas of melted chocolate, sweet cream, and fresh puff pastry wafting out of the shop’s just opened door have merged in midair to form a veritable olfactory symphony in the roly-poly tot’s imagination, each delectable scent drawing the little piglet’s flushed cheeks closer still to the glass, an inaudible “Wow!” forming on his drool-glistened lips. At press time, the doughboy’s impatient mother was grabbing him by his coat sleeve and rushing him hurriedly along down the street.
The Case For And Against Legalizing Marijuana #~# Uruguay's legislature is voting today to make their country the first in the world to legally regulate the production, distribution, and sale of marijuana, while here in the U.S., state lawmakers continue to weigh arguments over whether to follow Colorado and Washington by legalizing the drug for recreational use. Here are the arguments for and against legalizing marijuana:
Delirious Rover Hallucinates Water On Mars #~# PASADENA, CA­—More than one year into the automated motor vehicle’s exploration of Mars’ arid Gale Crater, NASA scientists confirmed Friday that the delirious, weakened Curiosity rover is currently hallucinating that it has discovered water on the Red Planet. “Earlier this morning, mission control received an enthusiastic transmission from Curiosity indicating that it had detected a significant volume of cold, clear, crystal-blue water capable of supporting life,” said project scientist Ashwin Vasavada, adding that the demented rover then made a beeline for what its strained, dust-clogged sensors determined to be a sparkling desert oasis encircled in waving palm fronds. “While we remain skeptical that Curiosity has in fact come across a plentiful source of water that we somehow overlooked for several decades, the rover appears convinced that it has unearthed the building blocks of life on Mars, as evidenced by the large quantities of the supposed ‘water’ it has so far shoveled into its spectrometer.” At press time, Vasavada confirmed that Curiosity had also apparently discovered an alluring, seductive lady rover.
World Leaders Attend Mandela Funeral #~# President Barack Obama and all other living U.S. presidents as well as scores of heads of state from around the world gathered at FNB Stadium in South Africa today to pay their respects to anti-apartheid icon Nelson Mandela. What do you think?
2013 In Politics #~# This year saw a 16-day government shutdown, the Supreme Court striking down the Defense of Marriage Act, and the problem-prone rollout of Obamacare’s online health insurance exchange. What do you think was the biggest political story of 2013?
Terrifying Man Selling Dead Trees Out Of Middle School Parking Lot #~# FAIRFAX, MN—Clutching a jagged hacksaw while staring unblinkingly from his black ski mask, a terrifying figure has reportedly been selling dead trees to passersby in the Fairfax Middle School parking lot for two weeks, sources confirmed Monday. “Looking for a tree?” the hulking brute of a man said while pacing behind local residents as they traversed row upon row of evergreen cadavers, occasionally stopping to prop up a frozen tree’s corpse to allow visitors to gape at its lifeless form. “Like this one? Let me just cut off the bottom of its trunk for you real quick.” Sources confirmed that the fearsome beast then dragged the dead body of a pine tree to a nearby car, grunted audibly as he bound it tightly to the automobile’s roof with a length of twine, and then tried to sell onlookers a grisly, horrifying ring made from the severed, intertwined limbs of several gruesomely butchered firs.
God Admits He Never Created Gerbils #~# THE HEAVENS—Lord God, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness told reporters this Wednesday that despite creating all other forms of life in the universe, He in fact had nothing to do with creating gerbils. “I just wanted everyone to know that I have absolutely no idea where gerbils came from; they just showed up a few million years ago and started reproducing,” admitted God, the Divine Creator of Life, Heaven, Earth, and the rest of the order of Rodentia, but not gerbils. “I have no problems with gerbils personally, I just wanted to make it clear that they weren’t sculpted by my divine hand. Clearly some other force brought them into existence, but I honestly couldn’t tell you what, why, or how.” God added that whoever or whatever created the gerbil must have been a fan of his work, since it is a “complete rip-off” of the hamster.
Alarming New Adult Trend ‘Plateauing In Your Career And Relationship’ Sweeps Nation #~# WASHINGTON—A hot new trend sweeping the country’s adult population has turned into a nationwide sensation, sources confirm, but many experts say the burgeoning grown-up fad may be a cause for significant concern.
NFL Week 14 Winners And Losers #~# Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 14th week of the NFL season:
College Coach Accused Of Receiving Payment #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Scandal rocked the college football community Monday as allegations surfaced that the head coach of a major Division I program may have accepted monetary compensation for his involvement with the team. “We are currently investigating claims that a college coach received semi-monthly payments totaling in excess of $1 million from his school’s athletic department last year,” the NCAA said in a statement, noting that the coach was also alleged to have accepted performance-based bonuses including housing, health care, a free parking spot, and other impermissible benefits. “Such actions run directly against the NCAA’s principle of amateurism and—if the charges prove true—will be met with swift punishment ranging from fines to forfeiture of wins and a two-year postseason ban.” NCAA officials confirmed that the school’s athletic director is also under investigation.
The Onion’s Tips For Applying To College #~# With the Regular Decision application deadline fast approaching at many top universities, high school seniors around the nation are rushing to fill out college applications. Here are The Onion’s tips for applying to college:
Mom Not Joking When She Says She Wants Picture Of Grown Kids In Bath For Old Time’s Sake #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Saying she is dead serious and willing to wait all day if necessary, local mother Teri Fisher told her three adult children Monday that she is, in fact, not joking when she says she wants a picture of them in the bathtub together like when they were kids, sources confirmed. “Yes, I am being serious. I want you all to get in there and pose just like that picture we have on the mantel. Now, hop in the tub and smile for old time’s sake so I can get a good shot,” said Fisher, who was overheard stating that she is not holding her Canon PowerShot camera for no reason and that, no, she’s not kidding when she says they need to make more bubbles. “You all used to love taking baths together; I don’t see why you’re giving me such a hard time. Now, on the count of three, I want you to smile.” At press time, Fisher had reportedly told her kids to dry off and meet her downstairs in their old Power Rangers costumes to recreate her favorite Halloween picture.
Study Disputes ‘Fat But Fit’ Claim #~# Challenging the idea that obesity is benign if the person is metabolically healthy, a new study in the Annals Of Internal Medicine has found that even if an obese person has normal blood pressure and cholesterol levels, they have a higher risk of dying from heart disease than those with a lower body mass index. What do you think?
Saints vs. Panthers #~# The Panthers battle the Saints in a game that will certainly come down to one bullshit call. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks #~# OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games:
Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna #~# PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping Atlantic bluefin tuna. “Oh, God, I can smell it from here,” said commuter Evelyn Jacobs, muttering under her breath how rude it was to subject the rest of the bus to such a pungent food, especially one that was spurting blood and scales everywhere. “I mean, really, lady? A live 350-pound tuna? Have some consideration for the rest of us who maybe don’t want to leave reeking like the exposed innards of a deep-sea predator.” The passengers’ irritation reportedly turned to audible groans when the woman produced a large bucket of vinegar to pickle whatever she couldn’t finish.
Every Parent’s Worst Nightmare Is Losing A Child To Gorchul, The Dark Sorcerer Of Time #~# As a parent, worrying is second nature. You’re constantly afraid that something could go wrong. Your child could get sick, or get in an accident, or even just not fit in at school. Sure, there’s joy and pride and fulfillment, but there’s also an unavoidable stream of dread. And all of these worries of course pale in comparison to every parent’s worst nightmare: losing your child to Gorchul, the Dark Sorcerer of Time.
New Attractive Person Comes To Nation’s Attention #~# LOS ANGELES—With well-groomed hair, symmetrical facial features, and appealing anatomical proportions, a new attractive person captured the nation’s interest this week, joining the ranks of all others who are considered extremely good-looking and deserving of widespread attention.
Roger Goodell Carefully Considering Every Comment On NFL.com Message Boards #~# NEW YORK—Admitting that he was thankful to have such a valuable resource at his disposal, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell revealed Thursday that he continues to carefully consider every single comment posted on the NFL.com message boards.
Lawsuit Seeks Human Rights For Chimps #~# Borrowing rhetoric from the anti-slavery movement, a lawsuit filed in New York on behalf of four captive chimpanzees seeks to recognize chimps as legal persons with a limited right to liberty, which would prohibit them from being kept as pets or used in biomedical research. What do you think?
NSA Tracking Locations Of Millions Of Cell Phones #~# According to an investigation by The Washington Post, the National Security Agency is currently tracking the locations of hundreds of millions of cell phones worldwide belonging to both Americans and foreigners, with the agency collecting nearly 5 billion new records per day that allow them to trace the movements of individuals and map their relationships on an unprecedented scale. What do you think?
Nelson Mandela Becomes First Politician To Be Missed #~# JOHANNESBURG—Following the death of former South African president and civil rights leader Nelson Mandela today at the age of 95, sources confirmed that the revered humanitarian has become the first politician in recorded history to actually be missed. “Today we lost not only an international hero and a symbol of the resilient human spirit, but also the very first political figure ever who people actively wish was still alive and affecting world affairs,” said political historian Wallace M. Delaney of Columbia University, adding that Mandela will long be remembered for enduring 27 years in prison in the fight against apartheid, championing equality across the globe, and standing alone as the only world leader whose passing left the international community grief-stricken and feeling a palpable void in their lives. “Certainly people have felt a sense of sorrow at the deaths of politicians in the past, but Nelson Mandela’s death is the only one on record that people everywhere unanimously agree has left the world notably worse off. I miss him, we all miss him—and that’s entirely unprecedented in the world of politics.” Delaney added that he could not predict who might be the second politician to be missed by humanity, but confirmed there were no viable candidates anywhere out there right now.
Slow-Witted Conspiracy Theorist Convinced Government Behind NASA #~# BARRINGTON, RI—Calling it the most scandalous cover-up of the past half century, dim-witted conspiracy theorist Daniel Burgess told reporters Thursday he believes the U.S. government has, for years, been clandestinely exercising total control over the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.
Grisly Remains Of 15 Hobbits Discovered In Peter Jackson’s Attic #~# WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND—In an appalling incident that has sent shockwaves through the surrounding community, authorities confirmed Thursday that the decayed, dismembered remains of 15 missing hobbits were found in the attic of highly acclaimed film director Peter Jackson.
New, More Realistic ‘NFL Play 60’ Campaign Encourages Kids To Be Active For 60 Seconds A Week #~# NEW YORK—Admitting that the previous incarnation of its program may have set unrealistically high expectations for the nation’s youth, the NFL unveiled Thursday its newly downscaled “Play 60” campaign, in which the league is encouraging children to be physically active for 60 seconds per week. “In hindsight, hoping that kids would be able to get out there and move around for an entire hour every single day was wildly optimistic, but we’re hoping that a solid minute of motion every week or so is a bit more attainable,” NFL spokesperson Clare Graff said of the more reasonable health and fitness campaign, which urges children to make an effort to engage in such activities as standing, waddling, and holding a “semi-vertical” pose to whatever extent they are capable. “And keep in mind that those 60 seconds don’t all have to come at once. No need to overdo it. You can split it up into five- or 10-second chunks, and you don’t have to start with a full minute at first. Just, you know, try your best.” Graff added that in an effort to spread word about the revised exercise program, the NFL is planning on airing a new Play 60 commercial featuring a group of panting, red-faced children shifting around on a couch with Green Bay Packers defensive tackle B.J. Raji.
This Is My Favorite Time Of Year Because I’m Sexually Aroused By Toy Soldier Makeup #~# It’s hard to pick the most magical thing about the holiday season, I guess because everyone has his or her own special traditions and memories of Christmastime. For some, it might be playing a Christmas album they’ve loved since childhood; for others, it might be buying and decorating a tree. As for me, I always feel more alive during the last five weeks of the year because of my deeply rooted and lifelong sexual attraction to anyone and anything in toy soldier makeup.
New Google Streep View To Provide Panoramic Imagery Of Meryl Streep #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Promising to transform the way people experience Meryl Streep, Google announced Monday its new “Streep View” technology, providing zoomable 360-degree panoramas of the Oscar-winning actress. “For the first time, Google users are not merely limited to marking Streep locations on a map, but can also see her from any angle or scale they wish,” Google CEO Larry Page announced at a press event debuting the software platform, which is now live at streep.google.com. “Furthermore, our fleet of Streep View vans is working 24-7 to photograph every square centimeter of her surface and create a truly seamless Meryl-navigation experience.” As part of the company’s ongoing mission to streamline its suite of services, Page added that the module is fully compatible with the latest version of Google Firth.
Generous Military Sends $800 In Disability To Man Who Wakes Up Screaming Every Night #~# WASHINGTON—In a deeply magnanimous gesture of charity to the two-time war veteran, sources confirmed today that a truly beneficent U.S. military generously sends a bounteous $800 in monthly benefits to John Callins, a former combat soldier in Iraq and Afghanistan who wakes up every night screaming in a pool of his own sweat. “In order to compensate those who live with service-related disabilities, the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs offers veterans and their families a monthly tax-free monetary benefit,” VA spokesman John Warner said of the noble and unbelievably selfless program, which provides 800 whole dollars a month for the man who withdraws into himself every morning after ingesting a cocktail of antipsychotic and antidepressant medications to control PTSD symptoms, social anxiety, and a host of other debilitating and ongoing mental disorders that will stay with him for the rest of his life. “It is the right of all servicemen to live with dignity and respect, and this program is designed to ensure that those with military-related disabilities receive the benefits they deserve.” Sources added that in another act of almost unimaginable kindness and generosity toward the currently unemployed veteran of two brutal foreign wars, the noble institution offers additional compensation and services to family caretakers who grow more distant and alienated each day as the stress of caring for a mentally broken relative slowly chips away at their own lives and relationships.
Study: Male, Female Brains Wired Differently #~# A recent study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found significant differences in how neural networks are connected in the brains of men versus women, with male brains better structured to facilitate perception and action and female brains more attuned to reasoning and intuition. What do you think?
Pretty Obvious Which Sibling Going To Have To Deal With All The Nursing Home Stuff #~# LANSING, MI—Agreeing that really only one of them was suited to the task, if they’re being honest here, the adult children of local couple Ron and Lydia Barnes stated Monday that it was pretty clear which sibling would be handling all the nursing home stuff. “When the day comes, Sarah is obviously the one who will explain to Mom and Dad that it’s time for them to pack up and move into a retirement facility,” said Andy Barnes, 35, referring to his older sister, whom he identified as the one who calls the most often and has “even driven them to the rheumatologist once or twice.” “It’s a Sarah thing, for sure. She can handle those things easily enough: finding the right place, signing them up, dropping them off, stopping by regularly, making sure the bill gets paid on time. I actually think she’d kind of like doing it.” Sources confirmed that Ron and Lydia are hoping for Sarah as well, since the prospect of depending on one of their other children for care “absolutely terrifies [them].”
House Votes To Renew Ban On Plastic Guns #~# The House of Representatives has voted to renew a longstanding ban on plastic firearms that don’t have enough metal to be detected by X-ray machines, though many have criticized the extension bill for not restricting 3D printing technology, which can produce plastic guns with removable metal parts. What do you think?
Pathetic Hands Subject To Man’s Every Whim #~# FREDERICK, MD—Calling them spineless and utterly devoid of dignity, witnesses described Wednesday how the pathetic hands of local man David Bromley allow themselves to be subjected to his every whim. “Look at how those meek little stooges obey his every command, no questions asked; have they no sense of shame at all?” said observer Jane Hadfield, 37, noting that if the subservient worms had an ounce of guts they would have stood up to Bromley years ago. “It’s as if they’re oblivious to how embarrassing it all looks. If he says right, they go right. If he says clench, these weak-willed saps clench until he tells them it’s okay to release. I bet you they’d press themselves against a hot stove if he wanted them to.” At press time, Bromley and a potential business client were forcing their respective minions to engage in a humiliating little hug.
Jason Campbell Cleared For Light Brain Activity #~# CLEVELAND—Following the quarterback’s recent concussion against the Steelers, Cleveland Browns head coach Rob Chudzinski told reporters Tuesday that Jason Campbell has been cleared by team doctors to resume light brain activity. “Jason passed all the necessary tests yesterday, so he’s now been given the green light to carry out some very basic cerebral functions,” said Chudzinski, adding that the 31-year-old play caller has already begun sending neural signals to his cardiovascular system to pump blood throughout his body, as well as using his brain stem to subconsciously control the rate of his breathing. “The doctors are quite happy with his ability to regulate his heartbeat, display elementary motor control of his body, and form thoughts, so we’re hoping to have him speaking and using intellectual reasoning by the end of the week. And Jason himself is very eager to get back on the field as soon as possible, at least from what we can gather based on his facial expressions.” At press time, team sources confirmed that Campbell was sitting motionless on the floor of the Browns’ practice facility and quietly drooling on himself.
Biologist Completes 5-Minute Study Of Pathetic Organism In Mirror #~# GAITHERSBURG, MD—According to a new study released this week by George Washington University Professor of Biology Randall Palinack, the pathetic organism in his bathroom mirror—which he observed from approximately 6:04 to 6:09 Monday morning—is “pitiful, just absolutely pitiful.”
Employee Slowly Realizes Boss Attempting To Have Normal Conversation With Her #~# ACWORTH, GA—Taking several minutes to fully process what was occurring, Sinclair Group, Inc. employee Carolyn Belk, 27, slowly and gradually realized this morning that her boss, Doug Fletcher, 48, was attempting to conduct a normal conversation with her. “He came in and asked me how everything was going, and then he started talking about his family’s plans for the holidays and whether I had made plans yet too and I’m thinking ‘Okay, what’s happening here? Where is this going?’” said Belk, who confirmed that it dawned on her only incrementally that Fletcher was not giving her a performance review or assigning her a task or gently reprimanding her for something she had done wrong, but was in fact trying to initiate a casual coworker-to-coworker chat. “It took me a solid five minutes to figure out what was going on, and by that time the conversation was basically over. I pretty much just stared at him.” At press time, Belk was praying that would never, ever happen again.
Report: Everyone Starting New Exciting Stage Of Life Except You #~# NEW YORK—A new 400-page report released Monday by the Pew Research Center confirmed that everyone—absolutely everyone—other than you is starting new, exciting phases of their lives and careers. “Our results indicate that those around you are all turning a new leaf, moving forward to face a fresh challenge, and embarking on periods of immense personal and professional growth, while you on the other hand are in a phase of total stagnation, if not regression,” said head researcher Dr. James Messemer, adding that the data also suggests that everyone sees the clear contrast between those who are really blossoming by moving on to meet a new opportunity and you, an individual perceived as being stuck in a rut, left behind, or simply someone who has already reached their potential. “Our study proves that, unlike yourself, all of your peers are enriching themselves by experiencing the triumphs and failures associated with any new personal journey, a journey that will ultimately be looked back upon as the most fulfilling part of these individuals’ lives. Meanwhile, you remain trapped in a state of perpetual—well, our researchers would have to call it ennui, as there is really no other word for it.” The study determined that the odds of any of this changing were less than 7 percent.
Red Lobster Welcomes Back ‘Defrosted Shrimp Days’ #~# ORLANDO, FL—Casual dining restaurant chain Red Lobster announced the start of its annual “Defrosted Shrimp Days” on Monday, welcoming back the popular seasonal promotion that features all-you-can-eat freshly thawed prawns for only $9.99. “It’s that time of year again for us to crack open the cold storage locker and melt the freezer burn off of our succulent jumbo shrimp,” said Salli Setta, president of the Red Lobster brand, who suggested people also try the restaurant’s signature Twice-Reheated Breadsticks or Room-Temperature Portofino Seafood Bake. “So bring the whole family down for a delectable feast, right from the freezer to a plastic bag of boiling water to your table!” Setta added that customers should act fast because the promotion only lasts until January 1, after which the restaurant will transition to its “Leftover Shrimp Fiesta.”
Study: Gut Instincts Help Predict Marital Happiness #~# A study published in the journal Science found that the “gut” feelings newlyweds have for each other right after getting married are good predictors of future happiness, with couples experiencing underlying doubts about their partners less likely to stay together than those with positive subconscious feelings at the time. What do you think?
Train Safety Called Into Question #~# Following this weekend’s deadly train derailment in the Bronx, commuters around the nation have been left wondering if traveling by rail is still a safe transportation option. What do you think?
Deformed Freak Born Without Penis #~# NORFOLK, VA—In an alarming case that has baffled and repulsed many, sources confirmed Tuesday that a severely deformed freak born without a penis has managed to live with the condition for over 26 years.
Report: Fritz A Fine Name For A Boy #~# VIENNA—Citing its strong character and imperial heritage, a report from the local gentry confirmed Tuesday that when considering a name for one’s son, one could do little better than Fritz, for it is truly a fine, fine name for a boy. “Fritz is an excellent name for a young boy; a strong name; a virile name,” said local patriarch Karl Schönburg-Graetz, adding that any strapping young chap would be blessed to bear a Christian moniker with a pedigree as fine as Fritz—why, sources confirmed, it is what his own dear grandpapa was named, don’t you know? “For centuries, noble young boys have been named Fritz, and whyever not? It is a fine name, ideally suited to any firstborn son, such as my own, who is thusly called.” Schönburg-Graetz went on to add that, as far as names for a boy are concerned, Felix would simply not do.
Stunned St. Peter’s Square Crowd Overhears Pope Francis Getting Bitched Out By God #~# VATICAN CITY—Calling the tense confrontation both “incredibly harsh” and “uncomfortable to sit through,” a stunned crowd gathered in St. Peter’s Square Tuesday confirmed that they overheard Pope Francis being viciously bitched out by God. “Wow, He’s really laying into him,” said Vatican City resident Sofia Caratti as she and hundreds of other individuals positioned near an open window in the Papal Apartments listened in on the leader of the Catholic Church being mercilessly raked over the coals by a furious Heavenly Father. “He’s actually yelling. And the pope’s just sitting there taking it. Whoa—He just told the pope to ‘either get your shit together or take a walk.’ I really can’t believe they’re doing this with everyone within earshot—don’t they realize that we can hear everything?” When reached for comment, the Supreme Deity declined to discuss the nature of the altercation with his subordinate, telling reporters to “mind [their] own fucking business.”
Nobody At University Of Alabama Caught Saturday’s Game #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—Vaguely claiming they had “some stuff to do on Saturday,” every single person at the University of Alabama reportedly missed this past weekend’s stunning Iron Bowl loss to Auburn, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh, yeah, I was really busy that afternoon, so I wasn’t able to catch the game,” said 21-year-old junior Craig Hopkins, who, along with every other Crimson Tide student, professor, administrator, and alumnus, was reportedly “out at this place” while the game was on and couldn’t get to a television. “I wish I could have watched it, but it’s not that big of a deal anyway. You know, it’s actually a much bigger game for Auburn than it is for us. But I’ll, uh, definitely check out the highlights later when I’m not so swamped.” The entire population of Tuscaloosa later repeatedly stressed to reporters that they still have the game on DVR and don’t want to talk about what happened before they watch it.
New Report Shows Many U.S. Businesses Actually Just Fronts For Moneymaking Operations #~# WASHINGTON—Dealing in millions of paper bills and electronic payments every year, often in plain sight, thousands of U.S. businesses that provide clothing, food services, home goods, and more are actually operating as elaborate moneymaking fronts, federal prosecutors discovered this week. “Though appearing from the exterior to be legitimate operations, thousands of businesses in local communities across the nation are actually covering for organized rings of moneymakers whose whole purpose is to earn profits,” U.S. Attorney Office spokesman Martin Langler said following the successful raid of a front organization in Virginia, a so-called quality home furnishings outlet that was found to have thousands of dollars of paper bills in registers throughout the store as well as a large supply of cash procured through the storefront and then deposited into a private bank account. “These are major moneymaking schemes involving multiple employees who are taking money from sold goods and services and then counting them as profits for the store. Even a place as innocent as a restaurant, for example, can be operating as an intricate front in which food is exchanged for money, with the owners and staff of this establishment receiving a cut of the earnings for themselves. This is happening all over America.” Langler went on to confirm that a special prosecutor is currently investigating reports that the federal government may itself be receiving a cut of the profits from these businesses via taxes.
Halloweiner Frankfest 2013 Poster Now Relic Of Time Long Gone #~# TULSA, OK—A poster for “Halloweiner Frankfest 2013” seen today on the bulletin board of area coffee shop Corner Joe now stands as an artifact of times long gone, offering a glimpse into an epoch of history long forgotten and believed lost to the ages, sources confirmed. “Come on out on October 28th, 2013 for a night of spooky fun, delicious sausages, and tasty craft beers,” the relic from history’s deepest, darkest corridors read in part, allowing all who viewed it to briefly journey back, if only for a moment, to a faraway time when autumn was new and Halloween-themed beer-and-sausage tastings were seasonally appropriate. “Costume contest at 9:00. Dance party at 10:00. Bring your friends along for a scary good night!” At press time, witnesses could only guess as to how the people of October 28, 2013—so alike to us in many respects—lived and communicated on a day-to-day basis.
Amazon Testing Drone Delivery Service #~# Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos recently revealed that the online retailer has been experimenting with a new drone-based delivery method called Amazon Prime Air, in which unmanned vehicles would fly packages to a customer’s doorstep within 30 minutes of their order. What do you think?
Bizarre Sci-Fi Novel Posits World Where Natives Inhabited America Before Europeans #~# NEW YORK—In a riveting, if slightly far-fetched, work of alternate history that fans of science fiction are bound to enjoy, author Judith Nies’ novel Native American History: A Chronology Of The Vast Achievements Of A Culture And Their Links To World Events imagines a strange fictional world where, prior to its 15th-century colonization by Europeans, North America was actually inhabited by millions of indigenous peoples. “Numerous Paleoamerican groups inhabited vast expanses of land along modern-day Canada and the United States as early as 1400 C.E., including what would later become the Navajo, Iroquois, Cherokee, and Ojibwe peoples,” reads an excerpt from Nies’ wildly bizarre science-fiction tale, positing a sweeping alternate reality in which vast tribes of “Native Americans”—each fleshed out with their own names, rich cultural backstories, and even strange foreign languages invented by the author—roamed the Americas for thousands of years before any European explorers set foot on the continent. “These indigenous populations eventually established successful dryland farming practices, allowing for the cultivation of crops in the arid midwest and corn-based agriculture from Mesoamerica. Other tribes, however, lived as nomads, utilizing hunting and gathering methods to survive off the likes of buffalo, elk, deer, and antelope.” Sources confirmed that science-fiction fans are sure to be especially thrilled by the shocking conclusion to Nies’ expansive sci-fi tale, in which settlers from Europe, upon reaching America, massacre and drastically marginalize these native inhabitants over the next several centuries.
Insane Man Gets A Little Perspective By Reminding Himself That He Is God #~# RAPID CITY, SD—Saying he had been very hard on himself recently over a series of small mistakes, local clinically insane man Isaac Whipple, 38, put things in perspective Monday morning by reminding himself that he is God. “I have a tendency to beat myself up over the tiniest little things, so when I’m feeling down like this it always helps to just sit down, take a deep breath, and remember that I am the Great God Almighty, Supreme Lord and Ruler of All Creation, and that nothing happens unless I will it,” the mentally ill Whipple told reporters, emphasizing that reminding himself he is immortal and holds sway over the lives of all living creatures “always calms [him] down a bit.” “I’m my own biggest critic and I tend to make mountains out of molehills, so it’s good to keep in mind the fact that I am a flawless and infallible being who controls everything that is and will ever be. I see all. I know all. I judge all. I am God. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.” When reached for further comment, Whipple attributed his recent bout of insecurity to the tremendous stress involved in ruling over the pits of Hell, as he is also Satan.
‘What If We Put M&M’s On Top? Would They Eat That?’ Doritos Exec Wonders Out Loud #~# PLANO, TX—At a meeting this morning with the snack brand’s research and development department, Frito-Lay Senior Vice President George Legge wondered aloud if people would eat Doritos snack chips with M&M’s on top of them, sources confirmed. “We could glue the M&M’s on with powdered sugar or caramel or something; people would eat that, right?” Legge reportedly asked a roomful of colleagues, adding that “they’ve eaten other stuff like this.” “Or maybe, like, Skittles or something? Or Twizzlers? Would they eat Doritos with Twizzlers on them?” At press time, a confident Legge had concluded that, sure, they would eat that.
Man Confidently Hits ‘Send’ On Worst Job Application Company Has Ever Seen #~# SAN FRANCISCO—After a quick yet confident once-over that unfortunately caught none of the rampant spelling errors, clunky prose, and overly casual language throughout his cover letter and résumé, job hopeful Mark Lopez hit “send” on the worst application California-based marketing firm Precision Intermedia has ever seen, sources confirmed Monday. “Okay, this looks ready to go,” Lopez said, seconds before sending an email that will inevitably be forwarded to an estimated 200 Precision Intermedia employees, all of whom will laugh heartily at his address to the wrong company, his claim of being “detail-orinted,” and the line “[INSERT EXTRACURRICULARS]” that he forgot to delete from the résumé template he used. “And…sent.” At press time, Precision Intermedia office manager Theresa Clark had announced to her colleagues that “this one’s going up on the bulletin board.”
What The Average American Consumer Will Spend This Christmas #~# Americans are projected to spend more than $600 billion during the 2013 holiday shopping season. Here is a breakdown of the average American consumer’s Christmas spending:
Cyber Monday Sales Projected To Top Records #~# Online analysts have projected that Cyber Monday sales will reach $2.27 billion this year, making it the highest online shopping day in the nation’s history. What do you think?
Romney During Victory Speech: ‘Man, This Is A Weak Field’ #~# TAMPA, FL—Following a decisive win in tonight's Florida primary, presidential candidate Mitt Romney took a moment during his victory address to reflect on the current crop of Republicans vying for the party's nomination, telling the gathered crowd he "[had] to admit that, overall, it's a pretty weak field." "No question about it, you're looking at a bunch of duds," Romney said to his supporters, who grew silent as the former Massachusetts governor added that it was hard to imagine any of the GOP contenders, himself included, being president of the United States. "Republican voters have been dealt a crappy hand, and that's all there is to it. It's like the year the Democrats had Michael Dukakis and Gary Hart—maybe even worse. To be perfectly honest, our party's in a weird, transitional phase right now. We don't really know who we are, what we stand for, or what it is we're even trying to do. On the other hand, in 2016, we should be stacked: Paul Ryan, Chris Christie, Mitch Daniels. Lot of great options there. This year is garbage, though, and I sincerely apologize for that. Anyway, off to Nevada." Romney then exited the stage to zero applause, got into his car, and was driven to the airport.
Nashville Predators Promotion Allows First 500 Fans To Feed Players #~# NASHVILLE, TN—The first 500 visitors to see the Nashville Predators play hockey in their custom-built reinforced glass enclosure at Bridgestone Arena Saturday will actually be allowed to feed the team, Predators officials announced today. "For a few dollars, children and adults will be given a handful of player feed they can drop over the glass—like this—and watch the Predators eat," said general manager David Poile, tossing food on the ice as hungry players glided by, slapping their sticks and drooling. "Don't try to feed them from your hand, though. They may not have many teeth, but the ones they do have are needle-sharp. Also, don't tap on the glass. They'll fight." Poile further cautioned fans not to give the players food purchased at concession stands, because that food is not good for them and can make them very sick.
Mitt Romney's Watch #~# "I pledge to every single Hispanic-American—whether you came here from Mexico to start a new life for your family or fled the brutality of Castro's Cuba—that if my watch is put back in its rightful place in the next two hours, I will consider the matter closed and no one will be the wiser." - Mitt Romney
Romney Appeals To Hispanic Voters For Return Of Watch He Left On Dresser #~# MIAMI—At a hastily assembled press conference Tuesday, presidential candidate Mitt Romney reached out to the nation's Hispanics, asking if they would please return the watch he had left on his dresser earlier. "As I stand before you today, I wish to issue an appeal to my Hispanic friends all across this great land of ours: Please do the right thing and give me back my property," said Romney, adding that while he didn't want to accuse the nation's 21.7 million registered Hispanic voters of stealing the watch, he was certain that no one in his family stole it, and that watches don't just walk off by themselves. "I pledge to every single Hispanic-American—whether you came here from Mexico to start a new life for your family or fled the brutality of Castro's Cuba—that if my watch is put back in its rightful place in the next two hours, I will consider the matter closed and no one will be the wiser." With the watch still not returned at press time, Romney begged the nation's Hispanics, "Please don't make me call the—how do you say it? El policío? La policía? The appropriate authorities."
Report: Syria Running Dangerously Low On Civilians To Oppress #~# DAMASCUS—Noting that without the brutal subjugation of its masses a totalitarian state is effectively meaningless, Syrian officials announced this week that the country is experiencing a severe shortage of civilians to tyrannize. "After a year of continuously putting down popular uprisings with increasingly extreme violence, the regime is now running very low on people to crush beneath its iron fist," said Prime Minister Adel Safar, later adding that the government would need to seriously reevaluate its approach to indiscriminate slaughter, with an eye toward rebuilding a healthy population of oppressible citizens. "Effective immediately, we will focus more on murdering the sick and the old, while placing reasonable limits on the execution of pregnant women in the streets." The Syrian government is also reportedly looking into the possibility of importing roughly 50,000 people from Iran, which has long enjoyed a surplus of citizens to brutalize.
Off The Top Of My Head #~# Love a good bargain as much as Jean Teasdale? Betcha you don't! For example, I don't call the third day of the week Tuesday anymore—I call it Doublecouponday! Why, I'm such a Super Saverette (lady version of Super Saver) that—get this—I subscribe to a website that e-mails you daily discounts from local businesses! A couple weeks ago, I found an exciting deal that struck my fancy like a semi: a free weekend introductory class at an improvisational theater!
Chevy To Sticker Cars' Environmental Impact #~# Beginning with its 2012 subcompact Sonic, Chevrolet will begin providing information on the lifetime environmental impact of its cars. What do you think?
Area Man Thinks It's Nice They Didn't Put The Prettiest Girl Scouts On The Cookie Box #~# STAMFORD, CT—Local CPA Adam Hober told reporters Wednesday he was pleased to see the Girl Scouts of America had chosen not to feature the most conventionally attractive girls on boxes of their trademark cookies. "They could have put the prettiest girls on there and maybe sold some more cookies, but they didn't, and I really appreciate that," Hober said while munching on a "Samoa"-style baked treat. "It's just nice to see what an inclusive organization they are, and it's really great they gave those Plain Janes a chance to shine." Mr. Hober later added that the wheelchair-bound Hispanic Girl Scout on the side of the box was perhaps a bit much.
Two Men #~# CBS
Joel Zumaya Agrees To Throw One Last Amazing Pitch #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Injury-plagued fireball reliever Joel Zumaya informed reporters Monday that his new $800,000 contract with the Twins obligates him to throw one last beautifully self-destructive pitch that will finally annihilate his arm forever. "I've undergone dozens of surgeries and months of painstaking rehab to get my arm in good enough shape to pitch again, so that pitch is going to be absolutely incredible," said Zumaya, whose single-pitch contract is laden with incentives for velocity, accuracy, and the horrifying sound his elbow makes when it implodes from the torque. "Bones will splinter, arteries will be spouting in all directions, ligaments will twang through the air like snapped guitar strings, and when the shock and disgust finally subside, they'll look at the radar gun and see '235 mph.'" Zumaya then broke his wrist clicking a pen.
Weird-Looking Potato #~# "Seriously, it is so freakin' weird. At first, you don't even think it's a potato, but after you look at it for a minute, you realize it is a potato, but it's all fucked up." - FDA commissioner Dr. Margaret Hamburg
FDA Urges Americans To Check Out Weird-Looking Potato #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Officials at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration called an emergency press conference Monday to urge all Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato.
Dogs Domesticated Earlier Than Thought #~# The discovery of a jawbone in a Siberian cave may indicate the domestication of dogs took place 30,000 years ago, 16,000 years earlier than previously thought. What do you think?
Just For Show #~# This newly renovated building is the perfect place for dates to drop you off, and a photograph of its exterior is a great way to prove to your parents that you’re doing fine on your own. $200 a month. Living on property not allowed. Reference number 84233
Screwballs #~# ABC Family
College Football Signing Day #~# As Signing Day approaches, Onion Sports analysts break down the nation's top prep prospects.
Area Couple Vows Never To Go Dildo Shopping While Horny Again #~# AKRON, OH—After spending nearly $350 on sex toys that included the John Holmes cast-molded plaster penis, the E-Class Screamer, and the Eve's Double-Pleaser Dong XI, couple James Keneally and Pam Nguyen confirmed Thursday they would never go dildo shopping while sexually aroused again. "We were so revved up that we wanted to buy everything," said Keneally, adding that the couple ulti­mately lost their libidinous urge while reading the instruction manual for the Cyberglass 4-Way G Vibratron. "In the end, I guess our eyes were just bigger than our orifices." Keneally and Nguyen said it was the most excessive shopping trip they had indulged in since 2008, when they visited an orphanage while feeling especially childless.
Super Bowl XLVI #~# It's Super Bowl time, and our analysts have methodically outlined what the Pats and Giants have to do so that fans don't feel vaguely disappointed by this uninspiring game.
Eli Manning Asks Peyton If He Can Crash At His Place #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Pointing out that Peyton has a big house in Indianapolis and that they never hang out together anymore, Eli Manning approached his brother Friday to ask if he could crash at his place when he's in town for the Super Bowl. "C'mon, man, I can just stay on the couch if the spare bedroom is really full of stuff," a brotherly e-mail from the Giants quarterback read in part. "C'mon, it'll be fun." Although Peyton Manning has reportedly not yet given Eli a definite answer, in his initial replies he has written, "I dunno, man, my place isn't really all THAT big," and "Oh, yeah, just remembered my dad is gonna be staying with me that week, so maybe no."
The Art Of Compromise #~# Never imagined you'd be 35, married with two kids, and working a job you can't stand in a town you once vowed to leave? Then this 3-bedroom, 2.5-bath suburban monument to averageness is for you! Easy access to strip malls, chain restaurants, and charming walking trails for quiet sobbing. Reference number 4JF389
Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create #~# CODY, WY—Describing the years of psychological torment he has in­flicted upon his two children James, 14, and Amber, 9, local tax attorney Ted Sheehan told reporters Thursday he couldn't wait to see what kind of art his abuse would inspire them to create when they grow up.
Department Of Housing And Urban Development Issues Report Just To Keep Name Out There #~# WASHINGTON—Citing a lack of name recognition, officials at the Department of Housing and Urban Development issued a brief, one-page report on mortgage trends Tuesday "just to keep the agency fresh in people's minds." "In cabinet-level public service the name of the game is buzz; if you don't keep putting out these reports, you're toast," HUD assistant secretary for policy and research Raphael Bostic said, adding that while data did show a spike in second mortgages among new retirees, the important thing was that people see the department's logo up top. "These days, all you ever hear is 'Department of State' this or 'Department of Justice' that—we've got to get some of that heat." In order to get the agency's brand trending again, HUD has dispatched its street team to major cities in an effort to sign pedestrians up for its mailing list.
Piers Morgan: The Animated Adventure #~# CNN
Australian Open Canceled As Tennis Balls Fall Off Bottom Of Earth Into The Sky #~# MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Organizers of the Australian Open canceled the highly anticipated Grand Slam event Wednesday night after admitting they were unable to prevent tennis balls from falling off the underside of the planet and into the sky. "We regret to announce we had not adequately researched the problems of playing tennis upside down here on the bottom of the world," a statement by tournament organizers read in part. "Our deepest, most sincere apologies go out to spectators, to participants, and especially to the family and friends of Kim Clijsters, who was last spotted by Royal Australian Air Force radar falling down through the atmosphere following an ill-advised jump serve." Sporting cognoscenti said the problems facing the Open were not insurmountable, pointing to the innovations that allowed Australian soccer to develop into Australian rules football in the 19th century.
Oklahoma Bill Would Ban Use Of Fetuses In Food #~# A bill introduced by Oklahoma state senator Ralph Shortey would prohibit the use of aborted fetuses in food products. What do you think?
New Law Prohibits Kaleidoscoping While Driving #~# TRENTON, NJ— Citing the nearly 1,500 deaths that occurred in the United States last year as a result of kaleidoscoping while driving, New Jersey governor Chris Christie signed legislation Friday banning the practice. "If you need to see complex geometric patterns made by colorful beads and glass shifting in front of your eyes while you rotate a cylinder, pull over to the side of the road first or, better yet, wait until you reach your destination," Christie said after signing the bill known as Lisa's Law, named for a teen killed when a kaleidoscoping driver crossed the center line and struck her car in 2009. "Studies have shown that kaleidoscoping while operating a motor vehicle is the equivalent of driving under the influence of four alcoholic beverages and two tabs of LSD. It simply isn't safe." Lobbyists for the kaleidoscope industry maintain their product is totally safe for drivers if they use the hands-free option.
Ninetysomethings #~# "I feel totally reinvigorated—this year I'm grabbing the bull by the horns and getting ready to die, first by canceling all my magazine subscriptions." - 92-year-old Hollis Ryzek
Nation's Ninetysomethings Gear Up For Last Year Of Their Lives #~# BOCA RATON, FL—Excited ninetysomethings across the country announced Wednesday they were gearing up to take full advantage of what promises to be the final year of their lives. "I feel totally reinvigorated—this year I'm grabbing the bull by the horns and getting ready to die, first by canceling all my magazine subscriptions," said 92-year-old Hollis Ryzek, adding that his new carpe diem attitude stems from his desire to tell his grandchildren he loves them one final time. "I'm looking forward to planning my last words, getting my living will in order in case they have to pull the plug on me, and then it's off to sit alone in my room at the assisted living facility and think about how all my friends are dead. This is going to be the best last year ever!" Ryzek said he jumped feetfirst into his dynamic new routine, spending New Year's Day calling all his relatives to make sure they knew he wanted to be cremated.
Nation’s Least-Appealing Puppies To Face Off In Puppy Bowl #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling the collection of puppies assembled for Puppy Bowl VIII a tired rehashing of the same old Jack Russells, pit mixes, collies, and labs, fans around the nations agreed this week that the 2012 contest would be one of the most boring ever. “It was a pretty exciting fall as far as cute little puppies go, but this is it?” said Sylvia Shawlbuck, a longtime fan of baby animals who has never missed a Puppy Bowl. “Abilene, the Australian shepherd mix who dawdled and misfired all season until she lucked out in the Puppy Playoffs? Joni, the rat terrier who plays in an awful puppy division where she’s almost guaranteed a shot at the postseason? Boring.” However, die-hard Puppy Bowl fans reacted positively to the news that the Kitty Halftime Show would be de-emphasized this year, saying they had always found the kitten performers to be “whorish and slutty.”
Internet Against SOPA, PIPA #~# Last week, several websites, including Google and Wikipedia, raised awareness of the prohibitive measures included in the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect IP Act (PIPA). Here are some of the legislation's controversial provisions:
Time Traveler From The Year 1998 Warns Nation Not To Elect Newt Gingrich #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he came bearing an important message from the past, a stranger from the year 1998 appeared on the Capitol steps Thursday and urged voters not to elect Newt Gingrich president in 2012. "In the late 20th century, Newt Gingrich is a complete disgrace!" said the time-traveling man, warning Americans that 14 years in the not-so-distant past, Gingrich becomes the only speaker in the history of the House of Representatives to be found guilty on ethics charges, and is later forced to resign. "In my time, he shuts down the federal government for 28 days because his feelings get hurt over having to sit at the back of Air Force One. Gingrich gets our president impeached for lying about marital infidelities when, at the same time, Gingrich himself is engaged in his own extramarital affairs. And for God's sake, he divorced his first wife after she was diagnosed with cancer. Won't anyone listen to me?!?" When asked about Donald Trump, the time-traveler said he had no information on the man, as no one from 1998 cared about a "washed-up fake millionaire."
Federal Employees Owe More Than $1 Billion In Taxes #~# According to the IRS, federal, postal, and congressional employees owe $1.03 billion in unpaid taxes. What do you think?
Population Growth #~# "I'm just going to level with you—the earth's carrying capacity will no longer be able to keep up with population growth, and civilization will end unless large swaths of human beings are killed, so the question is: How do we want to do this?" - Cambridge University ecologist Dr. Edwin Peters
How Would You Like To Die? #~# Back to story: Scientists: 'Look, One-Third Of The Human Race Has To Die For Civilization To Be Sustainable, So How Do We Want To Do This?'
Scientists: ‘Look, One-Third Of The Human Race Has To Die For Civilization To Be Sustainable, So How Do We Want To Do This?’ #~# WASHINGTON—Saying there’s no way around it at this point, a coalition of scientists announced Thursday that one-third of the world population must die to prevent wide-scale depletion of the planet’s resources—and that humankind needs to figure out immediately how it wants to go about killing off more than 2 billion members of its species.
Project Runaway #~# Lifetime
Jerry Sandusky: I’ll Never Forget All The Things Joe Paterno Did For Me #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA—As thousands of mourners gathered at Penn State's campus spiritual center Wednesday afternoon to say their farewells to Joe Paterno, former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky took the opportunity to express his "deep, everlasting gratitude" for everything his late mentor had done for him.
Romneymania #~# "The raw energy and enthusiasm Mitt Romney stirs inside people is like nothing I've ever seen." - Youngstown, OH auto mechanic Chris Ritenour
Romneymania Sweeps America #~# TAMPA, FL—From coast to coast, town to town, and in nearly every public meeting place and private residence across America, millions have been captivated, inspired, and in some cases moved to tears by presidential candidate Mitt Romney, the former Massachusetts governor who now finds himself campaigning before a nation in the throes of full-scale Romneymania.
Obama's State Of The Union #~# President Barack Obama delivered his third State of the Union last night. What do you think?
Frocked Podium Boys Shine In Pre-State-Of-The-Union Rituals #~# WASHINGTON—Clad in their ceremonial red, white, and blue vestments, the six podium boys of the U.S. Congress impressively performed the age-old ritual of helping the president prepare for his State of the Union address, Capitol Hill sources confirmed Tuesday evening. "It's a big responsibility for any youngster, but these whip-smart kids didn't miss a beat," said House Sergeant at Arms Paul D. Irving, describing how the podium servers helped the president into his traditional bespoke-tailored suit and pinned the mandatory America flag pin onto his lapel. "I'm completely confident these boys will perform just as ably as they assist Mr. Obama during his grand procession into the chamber, kneel to present photocopies of the speech to the vice president and House speaker, and manually scroll through each page of the address on the teleprompter. I have to confess, this all takes me back—I was a podium boy for Harry S. Truman, you know." Despite a pat on the head and the offer of a nickel, the podium boys, bound by sacred oaths, would not disclose to reporters whether the president would be wearing a red or a blue tie.
Nation Unsure What To Do With Information That Padraig Harrington Wears Citizen Watches #~# NEW YORK—A confused nation admitted this week it isn't sure what it's supposed to make of the fact that professional golfer Padraig Harrington wears Citizen watches, or what it means that Harrington is apparently fueled by passion and Citizen Signature watches are fueled by light. "I mean, this is something I'm aware of now. I know it as fact. Padraig Harrington wears a Citizen watch. So what now?" 54-year-old Damien Morrison of Pensacola, FL said. "Should I consider buying one to be better at golf? Or is there maybe some message within the correlation of this person and this specific item that I'm not picking up on? I wish either Padraig Harrington or the Citizen company would just come out and tell me what to do next." According to a survey conducted Tuesday, the closest thing to a national consensus in response to this information has been that most Americans just use their cell phone to check the time.
I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself #~# In this world, there are all kinds of chicks—tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, even some real ugly ones that my buddy Jeff calls "double baggers"—ha! And hey, everybody has different tastes when it comes to the babes. As for me, if you really want to know what gets my motor running, then I'd have to say I'm more of a breast man and a horrible, despicable human being, myself.
Uncle Joe #~# "I'll teach you the hot licks and killer riffs you need to get 'em wet where it counts." - Vice President Biden
North Korea #~# "Approximately 30,000 children leapt through the air with shiny metallic streamers, while the coordinated undulations of T-shirted adults simulated a giant North Korean flag fluttering in the wind. In other words, as of late, we've seen nothing out of the ordinary here." - State Department foreign policy analyst William T. Baker
Giffords To Resign #~# Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) announced on her website this past weekend that she would resign her seat in the House to concentrate on her recovery. What do you think?
North Korea Returns To Normalcy With Synchronized Disco Jump-Rope Gala #~# WASHINGTON—In a sign that North Korea is finally returning to normal following the death of Kim Jong-il, the country reportedly held a festive synchronized disco jump-rope gala in Pyongyang's main public square this week. "Slowly but surely, typical daily life has resumed in North Korea: The loudspeakers are once again blaring dance music, and ordinary citizens have put their brightly colored costumes back on and are performing gymnastics in perfectly choreographed sequences," State Department foreign policy analyst William T. Baker said. "Approximately 30,000 children leapt through the air with shiny metallic streamers, while the coordinated undulations of T-shirted adults simulated a giant North Korean flag fluttering in the wind. In other words, as of late, we've seen nothing out of the ordinary here." Observers later reported that the nation's new leader, Kim Jong-un, had nodded once in approval of the synchronized disco jump-rope gala, signaling that the period of mourning is officially over.
Ron Paul #~# "He's not afraid to give Americans no-nonsense straight talk about his completely delusional fantasy world. That's why I'm part of the highly unlikely Ron Paul revolution." - Rick Crawford
Prince Fielder Catching On To Fact That Teams Take Free Agents Out To Dinner A Lot #~# ORLANDO, FL—After recently visiting the Texas Rangers to discuss the possibility of signing a long-term contract, All-Star first baseman Prince Fielder told reporters Monday he's beginning to notice how many complimentary meals he's getting from interested teams. "In Chicago, they took me to a steakhouse, it was top-flight seafood in D.C., and in Dallas, we went out for barbecue and they even comped my breakfast buffet at the hotel the next morning," said Fielder, adding that he has been craving Mexican lately and might entertain an offer from the Dodgers if it means scoring free tacos. "At this rate, I'm almost positive I'm going to sign a one-year deal so I can do this again next winter." Upon hearing the news, pitcher CC Sabathia reportedly put in a call to his agent to inquire about getting out of his current contract with the Yankees.
Ron Paul Supporter Likes The Way Paul Tells It Like It Has No Chance Of Being #~# RICHMOND, IN—Self-proclaimed strict constitutionalist and freethinker Rick Crawford told reporters Monday he is supporting Ron Paul in the 2012 Republican presidential primaries because of the way the candidate looks people directly in the eye, doesn't mince words, and tells it like it will never, ever be in a million years. "Ron cuts right through the fat and doesn't sugarcoat anything when he talks about policies that would be absolutely impossible to implement, like abolishing the federal income tax, eliminating Medicare, or putting the nation's currency back on the gold standard," Crawford said as he pounded a hand-painted "Ron Paul 2012" sign in his front lawn. "He's not afraid to give Americans no-nonsense straight talk about his completely delusional fantasy world. That's why I'm part of the highly unlikely Ron Paul revolution." Sources close to Crawford's family said his wife supports Mitt Romney because of the way he tells it like people want to hear it.
Celebrity Career Swap #~# ABC
Paula Deen Has Diabetes #~# Chef Paula Deen announced this week that she has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. What do you think?
Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy #~# Pint-Sized Muscleman  Can Lift Entire Frozen Turkey Over Head
Jan. 23 #~# Quilting for Teens: Please come back, Dana! You're the only person who ever came, and I miss you!
Where Are They Now? #~# ABC
Third-Grader Prays Massive Deficit Coupled With Decreased Tax Base Causes District-Wide School Closings Tomorrow #~# CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Local third-grader Dylan Gardener, 8, prayed before bed Sunday that a steep decline in tax revenues combined with the decisive failure of a recent bond measure would force school closings throughout the greater Chicago area tomorrow. "Please, God, let there be a severe budget shortfall that leads to a skyrocketing state deficit that leads to a legislative stalemate, which in turn forces all non-vital government institutions to close down for the day so I don't have to go to school," the youngster said as he knelt before his bed. "I want to go sledding in the park." At press time, sources confirmed Dylan's prayers had been answered indefinitely.
NBA Announces Supernatural Investigation Spin-Off ‘NBA Nights’ #~# NEW YORK—Facing financial shortfalls due to an abbreviated season and eager to compete with traditional prime-time entertainment, the National Basketball Association announced Friday it would soon debut NBA Nights, an hour-long suspense series in which the league's top stars investigate and battle supernatural threats to humanity.
Eli Manning #~# He has one Super Bowl ring and has led his team to another NFC Championship Game, but many still aren't ready to call Eli an elite quarterback. Is he any good?
Area Man Relieved Friend's Short Story Sucks #~# BOSTON—After reading the final draft Saturday morning, local man Chris Peters, 27, was relieved to discover the short story written by his friend Mark Carter, 26, was absolutely terrible. "When Mark first mentioned he'd written a short story, I was terrified that maybe he had some sort of creative side I'd never seen before, so it was comforting to see that it really, really sucked," said Peters, explaining he took solace in the fact that Carter's poorly crafted story reflected no sign of blossoming talent. "Now I can totally support Mark without worrying about him actually being good at this, or standing out in any way that would make him seem more significant than myself. What a load off." As of press time, Peters was urging Carter to turn his short story into a feature-length screenplay.
College Basketball Warns People Not To Get Excited About It Yet #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Admitting it is "enormously worried" some people are taking an interest in its emerging storylines this early in the season, the sport of college basketball made a statement Saturday urging fans and the media to ignore it until it is time to get excited. "If you try to pay attention to me right now, I'm just going to seem like a mess. You should be invested in the NFL playoffs right now. That's what they're there for," said the collegiate sport, known for delivering riveting, emotional March tournament games to viewers who have only recently remembered it exists. "If you start to become attached to a team I'm setting up for a startling upset in the first round of my tournament, you will have nobody to blame but yourself." College basketball went on to remind fans it puts a great deal of work into making each season dramatically satisfying, unlike college football, which just hands its championship to whichever school's boosters give it the most money that year.
Miranda July Called Before Congress To Explain Exactly What Her Whole Thing Is #~# WASHINGTON—Congress convened a special investigative committee this week in an attempt to put to rest questions that have puzzled the nation for much of the past decade, namely what public figure Miranda July's whole thing is, exactly.
Feel Superior Now, Asshole? #~# TLC
New Super Stats #~# Sports is currently enjoying an era of unprecedented statistical analysis, with Moneyball having opened the floodgates for stats-oriented people to find new benchmarks in every sport. Here are some of the more notable number-crunchings:
Clam Juice #~# "There are clear health benefits to drinking room-temperature clam juice that still has bits of the shell floating around in it." - Dr. Stephen Lewis
Gross Doctors Recommend Drinking 8 Warm Cups Of Clam Juice A Day #~# ATLANTA—A report released Friday by the Centers for Disease Control's Department of Gross Medicine concludes that people should consume eight cups of warm clam juice a day. "There are clear health benefits to drinking room-temperature clam juice that still has bits of the shell floating around in it," said disgusting physician Dr. Stephen Lewis, adding that in order to ensure the body absorbs the nutrients, one must allow the tepid, briny bivalve-mollusk extract to sit in the back of one's throat for several seconds before swallowing. "After you drink your fourth cup of clam juice, eat whatever is in between your toes, or stir your toe jam into your fifth cup of clam juice so you can have both at the same time. It's great for you." The gag- inducing doctors added that individuals with shellfish allergies may, as a substitute, chug a gallon of tofu runoff.
Obama Rejects Keystone Pipeline #~# Citing environmental concerns, the Obama administration is rejecting the proposed Canada-to-U.S. oil pipeline, but may reconsider if the builders propose a different route. What do you think?
Seattle Mariners Hope Jesus Montero Can Get Good Enough To One Day Sign With Yankees #~# SEATTLE—Introducing former Yankee farmhand Jesus Montero to the media Friday, the Seattle Mariners said they have high expectations for the newly acquired catching prospect, a player they hope will eventually become great enough to desert them for a hefty free-agent contract with the New York Yankees. "It is every baseball executive's dream to spend years developing a talented young man so he can then be poached by the Yankees at the peak of his ability with a disgustingly high offer you cannot possibly match," beamed Mariners general manager Jack Zduriencik, who presented Montero with both a Mariners jersey and a future Yankees jersey he might one day wear, complete with a patch mourning the death of Yogi Berra. "We'll miss Michael Pineda, but we hope Jesus can join him one day and they will win lots of world championships for the Yankees together." Zduriencik also said he will commit suicide as soon as he secures a pension for his family.
Jan. 20 #~# As a reminder to those attending the West Side Rink's public skate next week, the arena's stolen Zamboni still hasn't been recovered, so the ice will be quite rough.
Baltimore Ravens Admit They Like The Ugly Wins #~# BALTIMORE—Reflecting on a 12-4 season that showcased their gritty, brash, defense-first style, the Baltimore Ravens admitted Thursday that while everyone else chases the pretty, sexy wins, they actually prefer theirs ugly. "There's just something about the physical, dirty, sweaty ones, the ones that aren't much to look at but really make you work for it and might even hurt you," said one Ravens player who asked not to be named and claimed there were "at least 10 other guys" on the team who shared his feelings. "Everyone chases after the sexy ones, the ones with poise and so on, but there's something about grunting and shoving your way through that sweaty muck for an hour that makes an ugly one a lot more satisfying. Mmm. Yeah." The Ravens refused to name which of the ugly wins was their favorite, but admitted there was one "real hog wallow" in Tennessee they'd always regret letting get away from them.
Romney Facing Flak For Turn As Venture Capitalist #~# Rivals have bashed Mitt Romney for his role at Bain Capital—the investment group that held stakes in such businesses as Sports Authority, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Domino’s Pizza—claiming his pursuit of personal profit cost hundreds of jobs. Here are some of their criticisms:
SweetSpace #~# "Ultimately, the goal of SweetSpace is to be Facebook for the Facebook generation."
New Social Media Start-Up Aims To Be Cross Between Facebook And Facebook #~# SAN FRANCISCO—SweetSpace.com, the new social networking start-up from Caltech wunderkind Devin Preston, launched Wednesday with the stated intent of bridging the gap between Facebook and Facebook. "The easiest way to explain SweetSpace is that it's essentially Facebook meets Facebook," said Preston, noting that like Facebook, SweetSpace.com will allow its members to communicate publicly by having a wall that people can post to, but, like Facebook, members will also be able to message other users privately. "Ultimately, the goal of SweetSpace is to be Facebook for the Facebook generation." Preston added that the new site will have pri­vacy issues comparable to Facebook, but assured users it will deny them, like Facebook.
Santorum Won Iowa Caucus #~# A recount of votes in the Iowa caucus shows that former senator Rick Santorum actually beat Mitt Romney by 34 votes. What do you think?
Jan. 19 #~# Due to recent budget cuts eliminating sanitation service, garbage fires are now authorized to rage from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m., Friday through Sunday.
Rick Perry Experiences Overwhelming Feeling Of Clarity And Contentment In Final Moments Before Death Of Campaign #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Texas governor Rick Perry experienced a profound moment of peace and serenity Thursday morning just before his campaign to be president of the United States slipped away into the darkness, meeting its death. "It's all so clear now—so breathtakingly, beautifully clear," said Perry, tears streaming down his face as his bid for the 2012 Republican nomination drew its final, gasping breaths. "All that time I spent accusing people who disagreed with me of treason, labeling more or less all Muslims as terrorists, and generally alienating the American public, I should have been reaching out—I should have been celebrating our differences, and learning from them. It's ironic, but now, with the end so very near, I finally know what it means to be a good candidate. Goodbye." Gov. Perry told reporters he plans to return to Austin, where he will lead a state-sponsored Christian prayer service, mandatory for all residents, on the steps of the Texas Capitol.
Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior #~# WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, confused White House staffers arrived at their desks Wednesday to find a meticulously researched, entirely unrequested report from the Interior Department assessing dry humping as a suitable sex alternative for teenagers.
Skippy #~# NBC
Nation's Sound Engineers Gather To Talk About Their Ponytails #~# AUSTIN, TX—Sound engineers from around the country converged on the Hilton Garden Inn Saturday for their annual convention in which they discuss their ponytails. "It's always fun to catch up with other sound guys, just so we can swap stories about changing out bad cables, smoke cigarettes together, and see how our ponytails are," said Joe Spencer, a sound engineer from Kansas City, MO whose 11-inch ponytail was poking out the hole of his Zildjian ball cap and obscuring the tour dates on his Megadeth T-shirt. "But despite our cool jobs, it's pretty much like any other convention. We talk about new Mag-Lite innovations, see presentations on ponytail-friendly headphones, and swap tips, like how, in a pinch, you can use a mic clip as a clasp to secure your ponytail." At the close of the weekend-long event, attendees will reportedly observe a moment of silence in honor of the late Ted "Smash" Bailey, a sound engineer who had an impressive 24-incher and told Peter Gabriel to fuck off in 1983.
Zappos Hacked #~# The online shoe retailer Zappos was hacked, leaving much of its customer data compromised. What do you think?
Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong' #~# WASHINGTON—Striking down the judicial precedent that established the legal supremacy of right over wrong more than two centuries ago, the U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday overturned Right v. Wrong.
Right v. Wrong #~# "We firmly believe that malice, dishonesty, and injustice were the framers' original intent," - Justice Scalia
Prince Fielder Wondering If He Has Truly Free Agency #~# NEWPORT BEACH, CA—After meeting with his agent Monday to discuss his free agency prospects, Prince Fielder told reporters he was left wondering if he or any man can ever say his agency is truly free. "Free agency suggests I am able to make a choice void of any constraint, but right from the get-go, that premise is problematic," said Fielder, adding that it isn't as if he can just get a job as an acoustical engineer, or even as a professional athlete in another sport. "In the end, I am not an autonomous entity who can choose a path based on multiple options. Instead, I am one link in a causal chain, so my actions are merely the inevitable product of lawful causes stemming from prior events. What I'm saying is, I'm essentially limited to the 30 baseball organizations in North America; realistic, long-term socioeconomic factors have already decided which cities can support a team that pays the kind of salary I demand; and roster decisions dating all the way back to the invention of the game have determined which teams are in need of a first baseman today—so there are only a few clubs that could logically take me. And human nature will compel me to pick the one that offers the best, highest salary." Fielder concluded the press conference by saying that he is essentially a determinist, and that he enjoys hitting baseballs.
You'll Never Love Our Amazing Deals On Household Appliances Unless You First Love Yourself #~# Good afternoon, there! Let me direct you to our housewares section, where we've slashed  prices on kitchen appliances and home furnishings to the bone! We have the guaranteed lowest prices on all the latest designs, plus a variety of payment plans to fit your personal needs. And speaking of personal needs, I've been meaning to ask—have you taken time today to recognize that you're a wonderful person who has a lot to give? After all, you'll never love our amazing deals on food processors, Sub-Zero refrigerators, and high-end countertop ranges unless you first learn to love yourself.
Would you be open to a new screwdriver head? #~# Back to story: Poll Finds Americans Would Be Open To Third Type Of Screwdriver Head
Murder No Longer Among Top Killers In U.S. #~# For the first time since 1965, murder was not among the top 15 causes of death in the United States, having been replaced by the respiratory ailment pneumonitis. What do you think?
Poll Finds Americans Would Be Open To Third Type Of Screwdriver Head #~# WASHINGTON—A CBS/New York Times poll released Tuesday revealed that while an overwhelming majority of Americans are "more than happy" with the two screwdriver heads currently available to them, 64 percent would be willing to entertain the idea of using a third type. "Well, I've never had a problem with my Phillips or my flathead, but if the question is would I reject a new screwdriver head outright without even trying it first, then the answer is no, I don't think I would," said Tulsa, OK resident Joe Reynolds, adding that when it comes to new ways to tighten and fasten screws, he remains "skeptical but open-minded." "Now, if the third type of screwdriver head didn't work as well as the two I'm currently accustomed to, then that would be a different story; if that were the case, then I would not be inclined to use it." Despite the poll results, numerous hardware manufacturers have confirmed they currently have no plans to manufacture or release a third screwdriver head.
New Screwdriver Head #~# "Well, I've never had a problem with my Phillips or my flathead, but if the question is would I reject a new screwdriver head outright without even trying it first, then the answer is no, I don't think I would."
How I Met Your Mother #~# CBS
Bucs To Talk With Marty Schottenheimer About How Lousy He Would Be #~# TAMPA, FL—The search for a new Buccaneers head coach has continued in Tampa Bay, where last week team management flew in Marty Schottenheimer, former NFL coach and current head of UFL’s Virginia Destroyers, to discuss how utterly terrible he would be in the position. “We were fascinated by Marty’s embarrassingly dated offensive philosophies, his inability to make defensive adjustments that optimize his on-field personnel, and his tendency to lose his cool in pressure-filled game situations,” said Bucs co-chairman Joel Glazer, adding that Schottenheimer has proven he has what it takes to win in the NFL “unless it’s an important game,” and furthermore would have “absolutely no idea” what to do with promising young quarterback Josh Freeman. “Plus, he’d probably bring in his idiot son Brian to coach the offense, completing a totally dismal package.” Sources close to the Buccaneers said the meeting “went very well” and Schottenheimer is now the leading candidate to take over the team.
Huntsman Drops Out #~# Jon Huntsman announced he is dropping out of the race and endorsing Mitt Romney. What do you think?
Huntsman Drops Out, Endorses Huntsman #~# MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced today he was dropping out of the race, and, citing his good character, foreign policy experience, and overall pragmatic approach, officially endorsed former Utah governor Jon Huntsman for president. "Unfortunately, our campaign never quite built up the traction it needed, but my goal now is to nominate a Republican who will conduct a campaign based on civility, humanity, and respect—a Republican who won't talk down to people, but will present a healthy conservative alternative to Barack Obama. That man is Jon Huntsman," Huntsman told reporters. "During my time on the trail, I have been impressed not only by Huntsman's ability to stay above the fray, but by his commitment to having a genuine conversation about the direction of this country. He has my full support." Political analysts said they expect Huntsman's endorsement to have little effect on the race, as Huntsman's backers are far too small in number to actually help Huntsman.
Arby's Grab-N-Go #~# "It's that same Arby's taste you love, but piled high in your own two hands."
Arby's Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Go Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef #~# ATLANTA—During a press event at Arby's headquarters last week, the company officially launched its new $2.99 Grab-N-Go Meal Deal, which allows patrons to go behind the counter at any franchise location and grab as much roast beef as they can with their bare hands.
CVS Roadshow #~# PBS
Philip Morris Introduces New Marlboro Sinus PM Cigarettes #~# RICHMOND, VA—At a press conference Tuesday, tobacco giant Philip Morris introduced its new medicinal cigarette, Marlboro Sinus PM, a smokable nighttime cough suppressant and analgesic designed to ease cold symptoms. "Marlboro Sinus PM uses the power of acrid tobacco smoke to restore and rejuvenate," Philip Morris president William Gifford said. "Just inhale two cigarettes right before bedtime and the medicated tar goes to work by coating your mucus and packing it down deep inside your lungs. You'll wake up feeling rested, refreshed, and ready for a smoke." In addition to the Sinus PM cigarettes, Philip Morris will later this month introduce its new line of Non-Drowsy Daytime Formula 100s and Copenhagen Smokeless Birth Control Dipping Tobacco.
Parents Drop Fake Treating-You-Like-An-Adult Act Half-Hour Into Visit #~# DALLAS—Scarcely 30 minutes into his recent visit to his hometown, 26-year-old Robert Feldman's parents Paul and Sharon had dropped the facade of treating him like a full-grown adult and begun to interact with him as if he were at least a decade younger, sources confirmed Saturday. "For the first half-hour of the drive home, it was like we had a healthy, mature relationship in which they viewed me as an actual grown-up with a career and responsibilities, but before I knew it, they were talking about me as if I weren't there, and refusing to let me turn up the radio," said Feldman, who for a short time had managed to convince himself his parents were granting him the same respect they would show to any other human being his age. "From the way we'd been talking about my new job, I really thought I'd made a breakthrough, but the second we got home, my mom was making me a tuna sandwich I didn't want, and somehow I found myself having to get permission from my dad to go out later." At press time, Feldman's father had reportedly offered him a beer and his mother had silently judged him for accepting it.
Ndamukong Suh Fined $75,000, Just To Wrap Things Up #~# NEW YORK—In what it is calling "the only fitting way" to end a season marked by continual unsportsmanlike conduct and accompanying disciplinary action, the NFL announced Friday it had fined Ndamukong Suh an additional $75,000 just to finish things off. "For some reason, it seemed wrong to let the year end without levying one more fine," said Commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that the season now feels "officially complete." "This way, we put a nice cap on things and can start fining and suspending afresh next year." After meeting with Goodell, Suh told reporters he thought the fine was  "ridiculous and unfair," but agreed it did sort put a nice button on the season.
AFC Divisional Playoffs, Broncos at Patriots #~# Scant weeks after beating Denver in the regular season, the Patriots host the Broncos and try to put a stop to Tim Tebow's remarkable run.
Study Finds Hearing Loved One's Voice Induces Excruciating Pain In Coma Patients #~# BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, people in comas experience excruciating, indescribable levels of pain whenever they hear the sound of a loved one's voice.
Inadvertent Ice Road Truckers #~# History
Bill O'Brien Promises To Never Uphold The Traditions And Values Penn State Now Stands For #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA—New head coach Bill O'Brien held an introductory press conference Saturday in which he explicitly promised to never, ever uphold the traditions and values now equated with Penn State football. "I'm very familiar with the principles established within this program, and I can assure everyone out there that those will be completely wiped away," O'Brien said sternly, adding that legacy, history, and culture are also very important things for a new coach to restart from scratch. "If Joe Paterno taught us anything in his 46 years here—you know what, on second thought, let's just remember that football has been played here for a long time, and continuing to play football is something I feel strongly about." O'Brien then spent a full minute shaking his head, sighing loudly, and occasionally rubbing his temples, before turning his attention back to reporters and saying, "This is really going to suck, isn't it?"
Athletes And Religion #~# Tim Tebow has reinvigorated discussion on athletes using the field as a pulpit, but of course he's hardly the first to do so.
Unpopular BCS Crowns Alabama National Champions, Endorses Rick Santorum, Spits On World War II Veteran, Pushes Elderly Woman Down Flight Of Stairs, Wishes Osama Bin Laden Were Still Alive #~# NEW ORLEANS—During a postgame ceremony Monday in which the Bowl Championship Series controversially awarded the Alabama Crimson Tide the 2012 NCAA championship trophy, the increasingly unpopular selection system proceeded to endorse Rick Santorum for president; spit on Samuel Carson, an 89-year-old World War II veteran holding the American flag for the ceremony; and then kick Carson's wife Rose down the stairs of the trophy-presentation platform.
Area Man Shocked To Learn There Is A Butt-Oriented Magazine He Was Not Aware Of #~# BENTON, AR—According to sources, buttocks-themed periodical aficionado Lyle Breslin was surprised and dismayed when he discovered Friday the existence of a magazine about butts he had not previously encountered. "I'm shocked this one got past me," Breslin said as he thumbed through the full-color photographs of women's nude posteriors featured in an issue of Heavenly Can. "As someone who has every issue of Big Butt, Round Butt, Ass Passion, and Rump Fancy, and is a charter subscriber of the more literary Two Scoops Quarterly, there's no way they should have gotten to issue number six without me knowing, especially given the fact that they managed to steal away prominent editor Hersch Steinberg from Nice Pooper." After perusing the magazine for 15 minutes, Breslin dismissed the magazine as a third-tier knockoff of Booty Clap.
Court Overturns Oklahoma Sharia Law Ban #~# The 10th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled it was discriminatory for Oklahoma to single out Sharia in its ban of religious law and stated there was no evidence the Islamic legal code had influenced the U.S. justice system. What do you think?
Scandalous Photos Reveal Grover Norquist Carried On Secret Affair With Taxes For Years #~# WASHINGTON—In a scandal that strikes at the very heart of the American anti-tax movement, a series of incriminating photos surfaced online Thursday, revealing that, for decades, leading Republican power broker Grover Norquist has secretly engaged in a romantic affair with taxes.
Detroit Ending 24-Hour Police Station Access #~# Beginning this week, the City of Detroit will shut the doors of its police stations to the public for 16 hours a day. Here are other ways the cash-strapped city is saving money: 
President Obama Wondering Why He Always Has To Initiate Phone Call With NCAA Champions #~# WASHINGTON—In the moments following Alabama's 21-0 victory in the BCS National Championship Monday, President Barack Obama asked several advisers why he always has to be the one to call the winning team’s coach. "This happens every year. The guys obviously know I want to talk to them, but still I sit here and wait around until finally I’m forced to do the dialing," Obama said before groaning and asking his secretary to find him Nick Saban’s phone number. "They are national champions. I'm president of the United States. Am I crazy to think that one of the first things they'd want to do is call me? I'd just like to know I'm on their minds for once." Despite Obama's disappointment with always having to initiate calls with national champions, he did add that he wishes the MLS champion L.A. Galaxy would stop calling him.
Hostess Files For Bankruptcy #~# Hostess, the manufacturer of such American food staples as Wonder Bread, the Twinkie, and the Ding Dong, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. What do you think?
Obama Spends Wednesday Doing Some Urgings, Some Callings On #~# WASHINGTON—During a routine briefing at the White House Wednesday, Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters President Obama would be occupied throughout the day with numerous urgings and callings on. "The president has a full schedule today, and will spend much of the morning reaffirming his commitments to before tackling five reiteratings this afternoon," said Carney, later noting that, if time permits, Obama would engage in a few comings out against. "In addition to several standings arm in arm with, he'll finish his day with some light unveilings as well as a few statings in no uncertain terms." When asked if the president would have time for a break, Carney said that at 12:30 p.m. Obama would take a brief lunch during which he'd squeeze in as many embracings the values of as he could.
Romney Wins New Hampshire #~# Presidential candidate Mitt Romney won New Hampshire’s Republican primary yesterday. What do you think?
The View #~# ABC
One Of Those Fucking People Wins New Hampshire Primary #~# CONCORD, NH—With the majority of precincts reporting, sources are now confirming that one of those fucking guys—one of the ones who wore a suit on television and talked a lot—has won the New Hampshire primary, beating five or six of the fuckers he was up against. "To be honest, I don't really know which one of those cocksuckers I voted for, but I think it was the asshole with the hair," New Hampshire resident Pete Harris told reporters. "I can’t remember his name, but he was the only one who looked me in the eye and didn't immediately make me want to throw up." Following announcement of the results, sources said one of the assholes is probably considering dropping out, another one is probably continuing on, and who really gives a flying fuck?
A 12-Hour Road Trip #~# Pile the kids in the car and pretend games like I Spy and the promise of a McDonald's breakfast will keep everyone from realizing you may or may not have a place to sleep once you get to Memphis.
New Hampshire Primary Excites Tiny Percentage Of Population Who Even Cares What Happens Anymore #~# CONCORD, NH—Today's New Hampshire primary, considered crucial to determining 2012's Republican presidential nominee, has excited the tiny percentage of Americans who even give a damn what happens anymore, political analysts told reporters. "What's happening here is absolutely electrifying to the few people still capable of clinging to a shred of trust in any public institution remaining in the United States," said pundit Marcus Brennan, describing the meager segment of the U.S. populace that has yet to be beaten into apathy by two wars, a terrible economy, daily life, and a highly dysfunctional federal government. "Of the citizens glued to their television sets this evening, perhaps as many as .005 percent of them will be awaiting the results with bated breath. It's a great day for America." Tonight's results are expected to impact the upcoming South Carolina primary, which is highly anticipated by the estimated dozen or so Americans who will be remotely conscious of a single fucking thing that's going on by then.
Fish At Pretty Good Place In Its Life Right Now #~# GULF OF MEXICO—Pausing a moment from swimming around its shallow coastal habitat to speak with reporters, a 14-month-old Atlantic tarpon admitted Tuesday that it was currently at a "pretty good place in [its] life" and "couldn’t be happier." "I feel good. I've got my health, I've reached full maturity, the autumnal migration went great—I really can’t complain,” said the 5-foot Megalops atlanticus, stating that it had everything a pelagic fish could ask for, from abundant sources of crab and grass-shrimp to zero predators in its visual field. "And this ambient water temperature and elevated salinity level feel great on my fins. Things just seem to be going my way right now, I guess." The herring went on to say that it didn't want to jinx itself, but it had to admit its spawning prospects were looking "real good" too.
I Thought We'd Have Flying Slaves By Now #~# When I pictured the future back in the 18th century, I have to admit this isn’t quite what I had in mind. Sure, there have been tons of impressive technological advancements, but I always thought that by the year 2012 everyone would eat their meals in pill form, there would be moving sidewalks, and one would be able to look up at the sky and see an interstellar highway system full of flying slaves zipping around on jet packs.
Will Google, Facebook Stage Blackout Protest? #~# A number of Internet companies, including Google, Facebook, Amazon, Wikipedia, and Twitter, have reportedly considered a coordinated blackout of services to protest the controversial Stop Online Piracy Act. What do you think?
Footloose and Fancyfree #~# ABC
Fight Kind Of Runs Out Of Steam 15 Seconds In #~# HAMILTON, OH—A violent and dangerous bar fight reportedly ran completely out of steam late Wednesday night, about 15 seconds or so after it had started. "They're not really punching each other in the face very much anymore, and there's definitely a lot more panting and heavy breathing now than when the fight first began," said bar patron Paul Moyers, adding that the scuffle seemed to slow down significantly after the initial few bursts of physical exertion, and had then continued with both men on all-fours just sort of pushing each other back and forth, each urging the other to give up. "Still, somebody should really step in and stop it, if it hasn't stopped already. It's hard to tell." Moyers told reporters that if he had to choose, he would guess the "one dude who sort of put a headlock on the other guy's legs" had probably won.
Angels Hoping They Can Get Mike Napoli Back Now That They Have Albert Pujols And C.J. Wilson To Trade #~# ANAHEIM, CA—After spending $330 million on big-time free agents Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson, Los Angeles Angels officials said Monday they now feel they have the pieces in place to make a trade for former Angels catcher Mike Napoli. "At first we thought we could make a run at Mike by offering a player-for-player trade, but we ultimately realized the Rangers would probably want more than just C.J. Wilson," said general manager Jerry Dipoto, adding that getting back the lifetime .264 hitter is the team's top priority. "So we signed Albert Pujols. And if the Rangers aren't willing to accept both of those guys, which I completely understand, we've already inked a $140 million contract with Prince Fielder." Dipoto said that when he presented the deal to Nolan Ryan, the Rangers president was speechless, prompting Dipoto to throw in every single Angels draft pick through 2034.
Capitol Building Haunted By Spirit Of Killed Piece Of Legislation #~# WASHINGTON—Beltway sources confirmed rumors this week that the U.S. Capitol is haunted by the ghost of H.R. 4591, a transportation appropriations bill brutally killed by Congress 16 years ago on the floor of the House.
First Mixed-Embryo Monkey Born #~# Scientists reported in the journal Cell the first successful birth of a monkey composed of stem cells from six different monkey embryos. What do you think?
Called It! #~# CBS
Masochistic Record Wants To Be Broken Again #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Days after San Francisco 49ers kicker David Akers set the new single-season mark for field goals made, the masochistic record publicly stated its strong desire to be broken "again, and again, and again—shattered even." "I wish a new season could start right now, just so the tension could start building," kicking's highest single-season achievement said Saturday, adding that its been reached or broken four times since 1999, which is "more than most records but still not nearly enough." "God, there’s nothing like that moment when you know you're going to be broken. When it feels like the whole world is watching, waiting to see you toppled and tossed aside like the filthy, lesser number that you are. Jesus Christ, somebody break me again! Break me now! Destroy me!" When asked why it desired to be broken so much, the record said that, as a monument to excellence in placekicking, it is "a terrible, terrible record that deserves to be punished."
Mississippi Brings Down Yet Another National Average #~# WASHINGTON—With a new study ranking it last among the 50 states yet again, Mississippi once more brought down the overall national average on another key quality-of-life indicator Monday. "We thought the U.S. had already hit rock bottom on [the statistical measurement of social progress]," researcher Charlie Ong said during a presentation to government officials. "But just look at this line graph before and after the data for Mississippi is added. See? Ugh." Observers noted that if you factor in truck-fixin' and waving from porches, Mississippi still does pretty good for itself.
Man Who Said 'Yes' To Life Found With Mountain Bike At Bottom Of Gorge #~# MOAB, UT—Authorities announced Tuesday that the body of 27-year-old screen printer Tom Finnery, a person friends confirmed always said yes to life and no to the idea of limits, had been found lying 20 feet from his mountain bike at the bottom of a gorge, his spinal column completely shattered and his broken femurs pinned behind his own back. According to police reports, Finnery, who always seized the day and drank deeply from the cup of life, was discovered with both kneecaps completely detached and nearly all his teeth smashed out of his fractured jawbone. Police said the man who lived life with no regrets failed to take his cell phone with him, a fact that Finnery—who reportedly always lived life in the present—had at least nine hours to reflect upon after his fall, following which he succumbed to hypothermia and was partially eaten by coyotes.
All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer #~# SAN DIEGO—Following seven straight years of long hours at the office and sacrificed weekends and holidays, all of account manager Sam Hemstead's hard work and single-minded devotion to Pinnacle Automotive Insurance has finally paid off for CEO Charles Pardahee, Pardahee said Friday.
NFL Coaches Admit It Sucks When You Have To Punt #~# It's Shitty Because You Don't Have The Ball Anymore, Coaches Say
Origin Story #~# Spike
NFL Playoff Picture #~# It's playoff time in the NFL, and we've condensed our expert analysis of each team's chances into a handy capsule form.
Andrew Luck #~# The Heisman and a Fiesta Bowl victory may have eluded him, but Andrew Luck is still the consensus No. 1 pick in this year's NFL draft. Is he any good?
New Study Going To Take Another Week Or So, Report Scientists Who Look As If They've Been Crying #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—A new study scheduled to be released today by the cognitive sciences department at MIT is going to have to be delayed at least another week or so, confirmed a group of red-eyed scientists who looked as though they might burst into tears at any moment. "For the past year and three months, our team has been compiling data related to what will eventually be groundbreaking new findings in the field of neuroscience, but unfortunately…excuse me…unfortunately, we're going through some pretty tough stuff at the moment, and it's just…it's just not ready yet," said Professor Michael Frazier, his voice trembling. "I know you all came here today expecting a study, and we let you down. But given the circumstances, I'm sorry, there's just no way it was going to happen. Not after this. No way. Please don't yell at us." Asked whether they were okay and if they needed anything, the researchers attempted to utter a response and then quickly ran out of the room.
Perry Stays In Race #~# Despite a disappointing fifth-place finish in the Iowa caucus, Texas governor Rick Perry decided to stay in the Republican presidential race. What do you think?
Rex Ryan: 'Mark Sanchez Was Absolutely Our Quarterback This Year' #~# FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Though some in the Jets organization have expressed doubts about Mark Sanchez's role as the team's starting quarterback, head coach Rex Ryan vociferously defended Sanchez Thursday, confirming the former first-round pick was "absolutely" the team’s starter during the 2011-2012 season. "I know it’s your guys' job to generate controversy, but I'm only going to say this once: Mark Sanchez was our quarterback this past season, and he will continue to be our quarterback this past season," said Ryan, who repeatedly called Sanchez "my guy last year." "I'm not going to stand here and listen to people ask if I am going to stick with Sanchez all last season, because I am. End of story." When asked if the Jets planned to acquire quarterback Peyton Manning in the offseason, Ryan said, "How many times do I have to tell you? Mark Sanchez is the heart and soul of the 2011-2012 Jets."
Andrew Luck Repeatedly Mentions How Good His Neck Feels During Post Game Interview #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Stanford quarterback and projected No. 1 NFL draft pick Andrew Luck spent the majority of his post–Fiesta Bowl interview Tuesday night discussing the superb health and dexterity of his neck. "It feels great," Luck told reporters, rolling his neck a full 360 degrees several times in both directions while letting out a pleasurable sigh. "My whole spine is really clicking right now, particularly vertebrae C2 and C3—right in the neck there. But enough about my thriving cartilaginous discs, hyoid bone, sternocleidomastoid muscle, and external carotid artery. They’re all in tip-top shape, so no need to discuss them any further. Oh, hey, has anyone here ever had a kink in their neck? Because I haven’t." Luck then went on to demonstrate how he looks off defenders and scans the entire football field, saying he couldn’t imagine how anyone—even future Hall of Fame quarterbacks with a Super Bowl victory—could do that without a fully functioning neck.
Boy Scouts Celebrate Proud History Of Preparing Teens For Not Having Cool Friends #~# IRVING, TX—At a gala event last weekend, the Boy Scouts of America celebrated its century-long legacy of preparing young men for lifetimes devoid of friendships with their cool, respected peers. "For more than 100 years, scouting has successfully guided generations of boys on a path toward not really being able to relate to any of their high school classmates," chief scout executive Robert J. Mazzuca said. "The Boy Scouts of America instills the timeless values of character and self-reliance in our nation's youth, values which they will need as they struggle to fit into a mainstream society that thinks devoting so much time to getting merit badges is just a little weird." The festivities reportedly concluded with a celebratory dinner, after which participants silently made their way home and then stayed in for the rest of the night.
Best Debate Moments #~# The Republican presidential candidates have participated in 13 debates since last May, with each event seeming to have a different frontrunner. As the Iowa Caucus leads us into the primary season, here are some highlights from the verbal jousts:
Levi McShane #~# Levi McShane politely listened to the girl he secretly loves talk about how casual sex isn’t what she wants long term, but it will do for now.
Fracking Causing Earthquakes? #~# Fracking wastewater is being blamed for several recent Youngstown, OH earthquakes, including one that reached a magnitude of 4.0. What do you think?
Man Suspected Of Being Bumbling Spy #~# WASHINGTON—Citing his erratic social behaviors, sudden unexplained disappearances, nondescript occupation, and habit of accidentally walking off piers while pretending to read newspapers, acquaintances of 37-year-old Jeff Walther said Thursday they suspect he may be a bumbling spy.
Zero To Hero #~# USA
'These Last Two Are Gonna Be Real Turds,' George R.R. Martin Assures Fans #~# SANTA FE, NM—In the wake of last year’s highly successful publication of the fifth installment in his A Song Of Ice And Fire series, author George R.R. Martin assured fans Tuesday the final two books in the fantasy saga would be “complete turds.” “For starters, there’ll be no mention of the dragons at all, because I’m pretty much sick of writing about dragons at this point,” said Martin, who added he would also be introducing an entirely new storyline set on a completely different continent and featuring a cast of at least 50 new characters all vying for the same throne. “And I’m going to take even longer to write these last two, at least a decade each. Who knows if I’ll even be alive to finish them? Who cares? My son knows how to spell most of the characters’ names, so maybe I’ll let him wrap the whole thing up.” Martin said that while he didn’t want to give too much away, he was certainly going to kill off Tyrion and never resurrect him, because “that fucking dwarf” was annoying the shit out of him.
NHL Tries To Pass Off Commercial Flight As Flyover For Winter Classic #~# PHILADELPHIA—Seizing the opportunity given them when a United Airlines 737 passed over Citizens Bank Park during the opening festivities of Monday's Winter Classic, NHL officials attempted to convince the 46,967 fans in attendance that flight 2734 to Fort Lauderdale was in fact the game's ceremonial flyover. "Ladies and gentlemen, please rise and remove your hats for the men and women of American flying," the announcer told fans, who squinted up at the passenger jet as it began banking south—the first of several dozen that flew the exact same path over the course of the game. "Truly a sight to be seen. Now, let's play some hockey!" The NHL has refused comment on the performance of the national anthem, which many in attendance claimed was lip-synced by a wildly gesturing woman in a Patti LaBelle mask.
Obama Openly Asks Nation Why On Earth He Would Want To Serve For Another Term #~# PITTSBURGH—Citing three years of exhausting partisan politics, constant gridlock in Congress, and an overall feeling that the entire nation has "completely lost it," President Barack Obama openly asked a  campaign-rally crowd Tuesday why he'd want to serve another term as president of "this godforsaken country."
Some Organics Not Green #~# As they ramp up production to meet the demands of a growing market, some organic farms are coming under scrutiny for agricultural practices that may do more harm to the land than good. What do you think?
600-Pound Butter Cow Sculpture Wins Iowa Caucus #~# DES MOINES, IA—With a majority of precincts reporting, sources have confirmed a 600-pound recreation of a dairy cow sculpted entirely from freshly churned butter has won the 2012 Iowa Caucus. A staple at the Iowa State Fair and part of a tradition dating back to 1911, the 5-and-a-half-foot-tall, non-homogenized-milk-fat sculpture of a grazing bovine received 64 percent of the vote, easily defeating opponents Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul. "For one thing, I’m more familiar and comfortable with the butter cow," said Iowa voter Horace Wright, who cited the creamy sculpture’s even demeanor, its pro-agriculture agenda, and the fact that it’s not Mitt Romney as his primary reasons for voting for it. "And second, looking at the rest of the field, I think at this point the butter cow is the Republican Party’s best shot at beating Obama in November." Exit polls revealed many caucus attendees considered Jon Huntsman, but ultimately concluded they didn’t want to waste their votes.
Cam Wright #~# Cam Wright, drummer for the Bakersfield, CA bar band Gambiteer, decided the group’s “Spoonful” cover sounded tighter without his extended solo, and dropped it from Friday’s set.
Presidential Fitness Test Now Awarded To Any Kid Who Can Eat Without Sweating #~# WASHINGTON—Finally conceding it is unrealistic to expect today’s children to complete a pull-up, run a mile, or touch their toes, the President’s Council on Fitness, Sports, and Nutrition announced Tuesday the new standard for winning its award would be the ability to eat a meal without breaking a sweat. “In our revised physical fitness test, a meal is placed in front of a child, and the longer he or she is able to eat without wheezing or needing to lie down, the higher the score,” said executive director Shellie Pfohl, adding that children who complete the meal in the fastest amount of time without shifting around in their seat to make their pants fit more comfortably will be eligible for the top medal. “We want our kids to set more pragmatic, real-world goals for themselves, and being able to run back and forth across a basketball court one time is no longer realistic.” At press time, elementary school student Henry Walters was on his fourth helping of mashed potatoes as his obese classmates cheered for him to keep going.
President Signs Controversial Defense Bill #~# Despite having fought against many of its provisions, President Obama signed a defense appropriations bill that allows the military to detain American citizens indefinitely. What do you think?
Prime Minister Of Norway Gets Laid #~# OSLO, NORWAY—Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg got laid on Friday, according to a spokesperson for the Norwegian government. "I am able to confirm that the prime minister did indeed have sex last night, and that he was very pleased to have done so," communication officer Tor Aagaard Borgersen told reporters Saturday during a routine briefing of the Oslo press corps. "Following a meeting with cabinet members on long-term strategies for navigating the eurozone crisis, Mr. Stoltenberg returned home, where, a short time later, he had sex with a woman." Reports from high-ranking officials indicated that after getting laid, the prime minister rested comfortably in his bathrobe and read a book while the woman with whom he had intercourse took a shower.
My Kids Are Learning How To Drive…Me Up The Wall! #~# Honk! Honk! Pull over, loyal readers. Pull way over. Keep going. More. To tell you the truth, you better clear the road completely. My twin daughters are learning how to drive!
Job Interview Tips #~# When you're job-hunting, getting called for an interview is only half the battle. Here are some strategies that can make you stand out during a meeting with a potential employer:
Ivy League Horse #~# TBS
UFC Fan Knows What All Those Guys' Names Are #~# KINGSPORT, TN—Sources confirmed Monday that area resident Kyle Nickerson apparently knows the actual names of all those guys in the UFC and that, to him, they don't all sort of run together. "I know maybe four of those guys: Brock Lesnar, Kent Shamrock, Tito Ortiz, and the guy with the mohawk—but Kyle knows all of them, even the ones from that reality show," Nickerson's friend Eric Heijl told reporters, adding that Nickerson is also able to name the moves those guys use. "Sometimes two UFC guys will flash on the screen and Kyle will not only know their names, but know who they've fought in the past. Should I know who these people are? Is UFC such a big deal now that I should be able to identify a UFC fighter when I see one?" When reached for comment, Nickerson was reportedly watching a UFC match in which he not only knew the names of both competitors, but also what their records were.
Christmas Letter Ominously Makes No Mention Of The Twins #~# GREECE, NY—Though the annual Christmas letter from the Thompsons addresses Elliot's first semester at college and Mom's new job, it eerily makes no mention of the twins, concerned sources reported Monday. "It talks about their vacation in Reno and Uncle Rick's laparoscopic surgery, but then it jumps right to a paragraph about Aunt Laura's new computer," said recipient Stephen Olander, adding that the letter was far more soberly written than in previous years, foregoing the usual narrative device in which an irreverent update on the Thompsons is written from the point of view of the family's cat, Sergei. "It's all very, very weird." Olander conceded that perhaps there was no cause for alarm, saying that maybe his aunt was stymied by the rhyme scheme of "The Night Before Christmas," and thus unable to work the twins into her musings.
Happy New Year #~# The New Year is full of promise and mystery. How did you ring in 2012?
Neighborhood Kind Of Hoping Panera Bread Shows Up And Plows Over Charming Local Bakery #~# WORCESTER, MA—Residents of Worcester’s Grafton Hill neighborhood acknowledged Monday they would not necessarily mind a Panera Bread franchise coming in and wiping out Callahan’s, a charming, family-run bakery that has been a fixture of their community since 1964.
The Last 10 Minutes of House #~# Fox
iPad 3 May Cost 15% More #~# If leaked documents prove to be authentic, the soon-to-be released iPad 3 will cost $70 to $80 more than the iPad 2. What do you think?
Miriam Kutz And Rodger Juniper #~# Miriam Kutz and Rodger Juniper have the same weird blood type, so it sort of makes sense for them to get married.
FDA Allows Import Of Cancer Drugs #~# In order to alleviate the shortage of two cancer drugs, Doxil and methotrexate, the FDA has loosened restrictions and will allow the drugs to be imported from India and Australia. What do you think?
Crystal's Return To Oscars #~# Billy Crystal’s return to hosting duties at the Academy Awards on Sunday night received mixed reviews. What do you think?
Cost of Living #~# "For the first time, we have statistical evidence of what we've suspected for the past 40 years: Life really isn't worth living." - Jack Farness
Bob Peterson #~# Bob Peterson, 47, walked up to his wife and gave her a big fat kiss in front of everyone.
GLAAD To Honor Any Mainstream Film That Gets One Thing Right About Being Gay #~# LOS ANGELES—Seeking to honor filmmakers for fair and inclusive portrayals of the LGBT community, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation announced Sunday the establishment of a prestigious new prize to be awarded to any mainstream motion picture that gets even one thing right about being gay. "We're not asking for a two-hour-long pitch-perfect exploration of the gay and lesbian experience—just a single accurate, believable detail that feels in any way telling or true-to-life," said GLADD spokesperson Cheryl Weingardt, who promised a major cash prize and high-profile award ceremony to any Hollywood director able to deliver a film—any film at all—that includes a brief on-screen moment in which a gay character seems even somewhat authentic. "It can be a line of convincing dialogue, an emotionally honest reaction shot. All we ask is that you have someone gay in the frame for a couple seconds without it being completely insulting to the audience's intelligence." Weingardt added that she hopes her grandchildren will one day see a popular movie in which a gay person's role isn't limited to being the main character's witticism-spewing confidante.
Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Arrive On Oscar Red Carpet 12 Hours Early #~# ‘We’re Just So Happy To Be Here,’ Joyful Couple Announces
Microbrewer Trying To Work Dog Into Name Of New Seasonal Beer #~# SENECA, OR—Owner and founder of Fossil Bed Brewery Dave Walker, 39, reportedly struggled Saturday to find a way to work his 5-year-old Labrador retriever mix into the name of a new spiced winter ale. "I was going to just call it Puppy Weizen, but that's kind of impersonal, and technically it's not a wheat beer," said Walker, who has so far failed to find a name that captures both his pet's personality and the distinct raisin and pepper flavoring of the microbrew. "I have to do something to make it stand out on the shelf alongside Flying Dog, Sea Dog, Turbodog, Smuttynose Old Brown Dog, and Dogfish Head." At press time, Walker had yet to figure out how make his dog, Barley, a part of the beer’s name.
Exhausted Sweatshop Worker Just Has To Laugh After Sewing Fingers Together #~# PHNOM PENH, CAMBODIA—After working her third straight 17-hour shift, garment worker Nghiem Phuong said Monday she "couldn't help but laugh" after sewing her index and ring fingers together. "Well, I guess it's just one of those days," said a chuckling Nghiem, who told reporters she had accidentally run her hand through the industrial sewing machine "like a complete dunderhead" while working on a Seattle Seahawks crewneck sweatshirt. "Luckily, my health insurance will cover it—nah, I'm just joshing." Nghiem added that she had not laughed so hard at herself since she was 13 and an angry sex trafficker threw her down a flight of stairs for getting pregnant.
Divine Design #~# HGTV
Police Report: Sexual Assault Numbers Under Control, Unless You Count The Super Brutal Ones #~# LOS ANGELES—The Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that incidences of sexual assault in 2010 have plummeted to record lows, that is, if one excludes the attacks that are just really awful and merciless. "Thanks to the tireless efforts of law enforcement, women are less likely to be mildly sexually assaulted than ever before," LAPD spokesman Jack Baker said. "Now, as far as women being raped and abused in the most horrify circumstances imaginable, those numbers are of course way, way up. Almost astronomically so, really." As the odds of being inappropriately touched by a stranger on a bus continue to drop, Baker added that citizens can now rest easy as long as they're not worried about having their throat slashed after being raped by a partner or close friend.
Obama Proposes Lowering Corporate Tax Rate #~# In an attempt to raise revenues, President Obama proposed a plan that would simplify the corporate tax code, lower the corporate tax rate from 35 percent to 28 percent, and eliminate numerous loopholes. What do you think?
Angela Cloud #~# Angela Cloud did her best not to seem bored as she listened to a coworker talk about having his dog put down.
Great Team Chemistry No Match For Great Team Biology #~# COLLEGE STATION, TX—Despite college basketball analysts' frequent remarks that the team exhibits "great chemistry," the Texas A&M Aggies were edged out Wednesday night 66-58 by the No. 4-ranked Kansas Jayhawks, who apparently have great team biology. "I've never seen a team work in sync with itself as well as A&M  did tonight, but unfortunately, they were up against players who have bodies far better adapted for playing basketball," ESPN's Jay Bilas said. "The Aggies were finally healthy, they really had a sense of where everyone was on the court, when to slide over to help on defense, and when their teammates will make a move that will free them up to run to the basket or get an open look for three. The Jayhawks, however, have players who are actually naturally able to score a lot of points." Bilas admitted that despite its great team chemistry, Texas A&M might also be susceptible to a squad with great team physics, such as being taller and able to shoot from a greater height.
Apple Vows To End Unsafe Labor Practices #~# Amidst charges that Apple employs numerous Chinese factories that mistreat and underpay their employees, Apple CEO Tim Cook vowed to ensure the safety and fair compensation of the people who make the company’s popular iPods, iPads, and iPhones. Here are some of the changes that will be instituted:
Handlers Constantly Reminding Gingrich To Stay On Uninspiring, Belittling Message #~# PHOENIX—As Newt Gingrich continues to cede ground to Rick Santorum, the former House speaker's campaign team has responded by advising him to stay focused on the belligerent, mean-spirited message that has long been the hallmark of his presidential run, sources confirmed Monday. "Newt's rhetoric can become abstract and idiosyncratic at times, and we have to gently remind him that he just needs to be himself, to be the Newt people are familiar with—the Newt devoid of any discernible scruple beyond his own insatiable instinct for self-promotion," campaign director Michael Krull said Friday, explaining that whatever lies at Gingrich's cold, depraved core is what will make or break him with voters. "Every time he veers off course and talks passionately about about outer space or how the United States has to stop spending beyond its means, I tell him, 'Look, your greatest asset is being a remorseless asshole. Now get out there, fuck everyone over using every means at your disposal and let's win this thing.'" Several handlers told reporters they live in fear of a gaffe in which Gingrich displays some vague semblance of humanity and completely loses his identity among voters.
Scientists Create Lab-Grown Meat #~# Dutch scientists have started using stem cells to grow muscle tissue in hopes of producing the first-ever synthetic-meat hamburger later this year. What do you think?
Female Friends Spend Raucous Night Validating The Living Shit Out Of Each Other #~# AKRON, OH—According to witnesses, a tight-knit group of five female friends spent a wild night on the town Saturday, overindulging in emotionally supportive behavior and generally validating the living shit out of each other.
Ace Of Lasagnas #~# Food
Obama: No Option Off The Table Except Snatching Iran's Leaders With Hook Lowered From Plane And Flying Them To Washington #~# WASHINGTON—A resolute President Obama warned Tuesday that if Iran remained unwilling to halt its nuclear program, the United States would consider any and all options at its disposal short of whisking away the Islamic republic's leaders using a hook lowered from an airplane. "We are dealing with a grave threat and we will not hesitate to use any available recourse, with the exception of flying one of our stealth fighter jets into the heart of Tehran, having the pilot shoot some sort of grappling device 500 feet to the ground, dragging the steel hook in such a way that it remains inconspicuous, and then suddenly snatching up key officials when they least expect it," said Obama, adding that diplomatic pressure, economic sanctions, and military force were still on the table, given that those options did not involve using a curved metal implement at the end of a long retractable cable to ensnare members of the ruling Guardian Council. "Our message to Iran's leaders is clear: If you do not choose peace, we will take whatever steps are necessary aside from swooping in,  snagging the back of your shirt collar with the tip of a large hook, and then flying you across the ocean to be our prisoners." Regardless of U.S. policy, many experts predict Israel will begin capturing Iranians with hooks lowered from planes as early as this summer.
Negative Advertising More Frequent In 2012 Primary #~# According to the ad-tracking firm Kantar Media/CMAG, the percentage of Republican primary attack ads increased from 6 percent in 2008 to 50 percent in 2012. What do you think?
Nation Trying, Okay? #~# Jesus
Margerie Hempstead #~# While watching a young mother struggle with her child at the local pharmacy, Margerie Hempstead respectfully held herself to a disapproving glare instead of explaining the proper way she would raise a child.
MMA Fighter Unfortunately Discovers True Love For First Time On Morning Of Big Fight #~# TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an unfortunate instance of ill-timing, mixed martial artist Pat Schrode finally discovered the feeling of true, unrequited love Saturday morning just hours before his fight with Kyle Hendrix. "You ask if I’m ready? I feel ready for so many things—I'm ready to love and be loved, I'm ready to be a father, I'm ready to trust somebody so much it literally pains me to think about life without them," Schrode said in a pre-fight interview, pausing momentarily to grab the hands of several reporters and "take in the moment." "I'm not worried about winning or losing. Think of what we could accomplish if we weren't so worried about winning everything and instead focused on being—being together. That's the kind of champion I hope to become." Hendrix won Saturday's bout with a 27-second knockout, in the process breaking Schrode's orbital bone, collapsing his lung, and displacing a disk in the love-struck fighter's neck.
I’m Getting Bitten By The Oscar Bug…AGAIN! #~# For some people, March Madness begins in March, and it’s tied to college basketball, but not me! I start to go mad beginning in December, and it all wraps up right at the beginning of March, or the end of February lately. Of course I'm talking about the glitz, the glamour, the Oscars!
Woman In Ninth Year Of Letting Boyfriend Down Easy #~# CHICAGO—Saying she wanted to "end things the right way" and not leave any painful, unresolved issues lingering between them, area woman Deborah Oster confirmed Wednesday she has been letting boyfriend Greg Norfolk down easy for the past nine years. "Greg's such a sweetheart; breaking things off suddenly would just be too cruel," said Oster, who began emotionally distancing herself from Norfolk in 2003 after concluding they just weren't cut out for a long-term relationship. "I know it won't be easy for him, but this year I think it's time for me to sit Greg down, tell him we need to talk, and then gently broach the subject of how we both might benefit from a little more alone time. Then, three years from now, I'll be able to bring up the idea of seeing other people, explaining that it could be a way for us to learn more about ourselves and improve our own relationship. That should pave the way for me to suggest we take a break in 2017." Sources confirmed Norfolk has no plans to tell Oster that he has been regularly cheating on her for the past seven years.
Fruit Flies Seek Out Alcohol #~# An Emory University study published in the journal Current Biology shows that common fruit flies often seek out fermented fruit for nourishment in order to self-medicate against the threat of deadly parasitic wasps. What do you think?
The Parents #~# ABC
Disturbed Beltway Sources Report Congress Eerily Cooperative Today #~# WASHINGTON—According to reports from distressed Capitol Hill sources, members of both houses of Congress were eerily cooperative and agreeable throughout today's legislative session, prompting widespread confusion, fear, and suspicion among political observers across the Beltway.
Pennies, Nickels To Change? #~# Between costly raw materials and manufacturing expenses, pennies and nickels cost more than twice their face value. The Obama administration has asked Congress for permission to change the metal composition for those coins. What do you think?
Oh Fuck, What The Fuck Is That? #~# Animal
Suspicious-Looking Duffel Bag Spotted On Magic Bench Just Glen Davis #~# ORLANDO—The Orlando Magic were forced to evacuate the Amway Center prior to their game against Milwaukee Friday after team officials called security to investigate a large, suspicious duffel bag that turned out to be forward Glen Davis. "I thought it might have been a bag filled with extra basketballs, but when it started making strange noises, we had to call it in," said head trainer Keon Weise, who was the first to notice Glen Davis propped up atop a seat at the end of Orlando’s bench. "I feel terrible that nobody realized it was [Davis] until after security detonated him." The incident follows last week's report of a large animal finding its way into the locker room, which resulted in Orlando animal control officials mistakenly tranquilizing, tagging, and releasing Hedo Turkoglu.
Smug New Mom Going To Start A Blog #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Three days after giving birth, first-time mother Courtney Baldritch has registered with the web service WordPress for the purpose of blogging the severely underdocumented experience of child-rearing. "Now I'll be able to preserve for posterity every detail of this magical time in my life and in Kaylee's, recording every decision that affects her as well as all of my personal thoughts and reflections on the process," Baldritch told reporters Saturday. "At long last, persons wondering what valuable insights fertility has imbued me with, or just wanting to see pictures of my precious Kaylee, will have a one-stop resource in cyberspace." Baldritch estimated the odds of her updating the blog twice a week for three weeks and then abandoning it at zero.
Jeremy Lin #~# Since coming out of nowhere two weeks ago, Jeremy Lin has rejuvenated the Knicks,  reignited interest in basketball, and become a bona fide phenomenon. Is he any good?
Tom Brady Cruelly Consolidates Power By Marrying Sister Off To Twisted But Influential Kevin Youkilis #~# BOSTON—While acknowledging Tom Brady's decision to betroth his sister Julie to savage, lecherous Kevin Youkilis may be morally repugnant on a personal level, Boston sports analysts said Thursday the move should consolidate the superstar's power over the region's fans. "From a strictly political standpoint, the union of his family and the House of Youkilis spreads his authority into the realm of the Red Sox and allows him to check the power of the young aspirant Jacoby Ellsbury," said ESPNBoston.com reporter Mike Reiss, who has tracked Brady's rise since his Machiavellian overthrow of the once-great Drew Bledsoe. "Youkilis may not be a strategic genius, but he is powerful and unpredictable, and it's better to let him exercise his animal urges on Julie than it is to leave his twisted mind to plot and plan."The move is one of many the Patriots quarterback has made to reassert his authority following a disappointing Super Bowl battle; after making it known through his wife he was unhappy with his receivers, Wes Welker was drawn and quartered by Brady followers last week in the streets of Foxborough.
U.S. Loses U.N. Membership After Embarrassing Video Of Nation Surfaces On Internet #~# BRUSSELS—Representatives of the 192 remaining U.N. member states have expelled the U.S. delegation following the country's appearance last week in a compromising nine-minute video on the popular website YouTube. "These images of the United States indulging in irresponsible, lewd, and perhaps intoxicated behavior present sufficient grounds to revoke its seat in the General Assembly," Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon announced Sunday, describing the clip as "appalling" and "distasteful by any standard of human decency." "We may in the future consider membership on a strictly probationary basis if the U.S. can mature and make significant strides toward civilization." In the spirit of full disclosure, Ban admitted he did smirk a bit during the drunken stapler fight.
Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital #~# BELLEVUE, NE—Shortly after 8 a.m. Tuesday, Landon Matthew Crowley, a 7-pound, 14-ounce baby boy and the future warlord who will rule over the charred remnants of what was once the state of Nebraska, was welcomed into the world at Omaha's Methodist Hospital, sources reported.
Come Away With Me #~# Fox
New Sitcom To Feature Blocking Tight End Living With Pass-Catching Tight End #~# LOS ANGELES—CBS executives announced Friday they have ordered a full season of a new show called Loose Ends, a situation comedy about a buttoned-down NFL tight end known for his blocking ability who lives in a condo with his brash young teammate, a tight end used primarily as a receiver. "Trev is a playboy who wants to score every touchdown and party all night, and Russell's the one left trying to protect the quarterback and clean up the mess Trev's made of the living room," said executive producer Peter Dominguez, who adapted the series from a Cowboys-Patriots game that aired in October. "They may come from different sides of the line and find themselves in some zany situations as they try to get along, but at the end of the day, they discover they're both still tight ends." CBS also said it picked up the midseason series Shield Goal, a drama about a Jets placekicker who moonlights as the top forensics expert in the NYPD's foot-crimes division.
What To Look For In NASCAR This Year #~# Danica Patrick and fuel-injected cars are just two of the exciting changes NASCAR has in store for us this racing season.
FCC Blocks GPS-Jamming Broadband #~# Fearing it would interfere with GPS devices, the Federal Communications Commission is revoking the permit of the company LightSquared to build a nationwide wireless broadband network. What do you think?
Melo's Groin #~# "Carmelo's injury really isn't that unusual or severe, as these things go, so we've had to be persistent in striking him repeatedly and forcefully in the crotch to prevent him from returning to the lineup." – Knicks team doctor Craig McConnell
Knicks Doctors Continue Carefully Reinjuring Carmelo Anthony's Groin #~# NEW YORK—As the Jeremy Lin phenomenon continues to lift hopes and spirits among the Knicks faithful and basketball fans nationwide, team doctors are doing everything they can to maintain the unusually high level of morale by painstakingly and methodically prolonging the groin injury Carmelo Anthony suffered on February 6.
Man Pretty Sure He Slept #~# AKRON, OH—Following eight restless hours in bed, copy repair technician Jason Murphy reported that he was "80 percent" sure he had slept the previous night. "It definitely seemed like I was sleeping for a while there, though I don't really feel rested, so it's hard to say," a haggard Murphy told coworkers Friday. "I mean, when my alarm went off, I jumped, so that must have meant I was asleep, right? Then again, I remember looking up at the clock a couple times and it was 3:38, so I'm not quite sure what happened there." Murphy went on to tell reporters that, regardless, he will try to sleep again this evening.
Chinese National Found Guilty Of Stealing Trade Secrets #~# A former Motorola software engineer was found guilty of stealing industrial secrets, though acquitted of charges she intended to commit espionage on behalf of China. Here are some of the secrets she may have been trying to smuggle out of the country:
Nation Watches In Envy As 15-Year-Old Jots Notes In Margin Of 'To Kill A Mockingbird' #~# 'God, Those Were The Days,' Longing Citizens Announce
Jamie Oliver Unearths Joy Division Master Tapes #~# While renovating the basement of a bank he plans to turn into a restaurant, celebrity chef Jamie Oliver reportedly found $1.7 million in valuables, which included jewelry, New Order and Joy Division master tapes, and a gun. What do you think?
Petition: We Want Heath Ledger In "The Dark Knight Rises" #~# Fans of the Batman film series have drafted a petition to make an appearance from late actor Heath Ledger happen. Full Story.
Heath Ledger #~# "In the last one, they flipped over a semi and blew up an entire hospital, so don't tell me they can't use a little movie magic to bring back Heath Ledger." - Erin Matthews
Moviegoers Not Interested In Hearing What Is, Isn't Possible, Demand Heath Ledger 'Dark Knight Rises' Appearance #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying they don't want to hear anything at all about what film producers can or can't do, moviegoers across the country warned Thursday that the latest Batman movie, The Dark Knight Rises, had better include an appearance by the late Heath Ledger as the Joker.
Millionaires And Their Money #~# Discovery
Charlize Theron Hired To Ride Struggling Cleveland Light Rail System Monday Through Friday #~# CLEVELAND—As part of an ongoing effort to rejuvenate its public transportation system, the Greater Cleveland Regional Transit Authority announced Wednesday that it had signed a three-year, $32 million deal hiring Academy Award–winning actress Charlize Theron to ride the city's light-rail lines eight hours a day, Monday through Friday. "Each work week, Ms. Theron will bring the glitz and glamour of a Hollywood movie premiere right to Cleveland's own RTA Rapid Transit trains," spokesperson Ted Reardon said of the agreement, which will also require the 36-year-old Hancock star to use Cleveland's public buses for 14 consecutive hours on the third Saturday of every month. "Who knows? You might just see Charlize on the Red Line, the Blue Line, or sleeping on a wooden bench in the Tower City station!" This latest initiative reportedly builds on the Cleveland water service's recent awareness program, which largely involved paying Alfred Molina to swim laps in the central reservoir.
Supreme Court Justice Robbed At Knifepoint #~# While vacationing in the Caribbean, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer and his family were robbed of $1,000 by an intruder wielding a machete. What do you think?
What phrase following "4-Year-Old Girl Forced To" would you would be able to deal with today? #~# Back to story: Nation Refuses To Read Headline Beyond Words '4-Year-Old Girl Forced To'
Nation Refuses To Read Headline Beyond Words '4-Year-Old Girl Forced To' #~# 'Nope, Can't Deal With That Today,' Populace Says
GOP Voters: 'Can We See What It Looks Like With Huntsman And Perry Again?' #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming something "just seemed off" with the combination of candidates currently seeking the Republican Party's nomination for president, voters asked Tuesday if they could see once more what the GOP field would look like with Jon Huntsman and Rick Perry back in the race. "Could you just show me Huntsman next to Santorum again, and maybe Perry in there, too, trailing just a bit behind Romney? Not too close, though," said Cleveland-based voter Alan Sanders, squinting as he contemplated the grouping of presidential hopefuls. "No, that's still not quite right. What if we try Pawlenty, Paul, Bachmann, and Gingrich—in that order. Ugh, never mind, that just looks weird. Maybe take Romney out and put Herman Cain back in? That might work." At press time, the nation's Republican voters were asking to see Sarah Palin in there, too, just for fun.
Roger Goodell Backs Off Expansion Talk After Being Reminded Of Jacksonville Jaguars #~# NEW YORK—Amid talks of "possibly adding a 32nd team" to the National Football League, Commissioner Roger Goodell was reminded by aides Tuesday that the Jaguars have been playing in the AFC South for more than a decade. "Oh, right, of course! The Jaguars," a sheepish Goodell said at a press conference originally called to discuss possible new NFL cities. "Teal, right? But not the Panthers. Teal, cats, not very good—you can see how we got that wrong. We will certainly be making internal adjustments to ensure we don't forget them again." Goodell did say, however, that the NFL was still interested in someday fielding a team in a large warm-weather city such as Los Angeles; San Antonio, TX; or even Jacksonville, FL.
So, How Was Afghanistan? #~# Welcome back! Wow, I almost didn't recognize you. How long has it been? It seems like forever since you left for Afghanistan. What a lucky guy, getting to take so many exotic trips halfway around the world with your best friends. Somebody's got a little travel bug, doesn't he? Sit down. I'm dying to hear all about it.
Saudi Journalist Arrested For Tweeting To Muhammad #~# Twenty-three-year-old Saudi newspaper columnist Hamza Kashgari was arrested in Malaysia, where he was trying to flee after receiving death threats for tweets addressed to the Prophet Muhammad. What do you think?
Man Recalls Simpler Time When He Only Masturbated To Still Images On Internet #~# LEXINGTON, KY—As a video of two women fellating a man streamed on his laptop, 36-year-old Timothy Barchuk reminisced Monday about a simpler time when he pleasured himself using only still images from the Internet. "The online world moved slower back then," Barchuk said as he flicked wistfully through the seven browser tabs of hardcore video pornography he had going at once. "Time was, you'd log onto AOL and wait three or four minutes for a fuzzy screen grab of Phoebe Cates from Fast Times to load—a new line of pixels appearing every few seconds—and you'd really take your time with it. Now there's no imagination to it, no art." At press time, Barchuk sighed and glumly ejaculated.
New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the now critically endangered species of politician is at high risk for complete extinction within the next 10 years, Beltway-area conservationists announced plans Monday for a new captive breeding program designed to save moderate Republicans.
Bus Bowl #~# Fox
Anti-Doping Agency Has A Bunch Of Old Tour De France Titles Lying Around If Anybody Wants One #~# MONTREAL—Upon releasing documents Monday relating to the verdict against 2010 Tour de France winner Alberto Contador, World Anti-Doping Agency officials mentioned to reporters they have plenty of stripped Tour titles in the office that anybody could drop by and take. "We're not going to being doing anything with all these trophies. Just call us before you come by, and we'll have them put your name down in the record books as the winner," said WADA president John Fahey, who dropped off boxes of tainted yellow jerseys at Goodwill earlier in the day. "They're cycling trophies, so they're not worth anything, but they might work well as a fruit bowl." Fahey said the agency wants to get rid of the titles quickly, as "they will really start cluttering up the place" when Lance Armstrong is finally convicted.
'House' To End #~# Producers for the show House announced the current season of the popular medical drama would be its last. What do you think?
Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids' #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Kevin Stenner, 32, known as "Uncle Kev" to the wound-up screaming children whose most chaotic, destructive, and self-gratifying tendencies he unabashedly fosters, was referred to as "good with kids" by parents Sunday. "Kevin is such a natural, the way he laughs and encourages Clarkie to yank on the dog's tail or climb up the entertainment center like a ladder," Stenner's college friend Annalisa Pratt told reporters while attempting to calm her son Clark, 3. "As soon as my son sees him, it's 'Throw things game, Uncle Kev! Throw things game!' And it's so cute the way Kevin makes Clark do that punching thing he does." Experts theorize that Stenner, who has reportedly described his friends' kids as "entertaining," encourages the more savage impulses of children to bolster his own demanding and indulgent ego.
16 and Present #~# MTV
Robert Pike And Tammy Roeder #~# Guests were delighted that Robert Pike and Tammy Roeder's wedding wasn't one of those nights when they try to kill each other.
Doctors Clear Peyton Manning To Let 300-Pound Men Slam Him Into The Ground As Hard As They Can #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Sources confirmed Friday that Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had been cleared by doctors to resume his career of being chased, clubbed, and thrown to the ground by 300-pound men, often with the 300-pound men falling on top of him. "So far as I can tell, Peyton has no reason to be concerned about returning to the most violent game that exists in our culture," Colts neurosurgeon Dr. Hank Feuer said of Manning, who had bones fused together in his spinal column in order to protect the nerves that provide him with basic motor function in all his extremities. "After a thorough medical evaluation, we can safely say that Manning is cleared to engage in an activity that could very feasibly result in his head being pulled backward by one of the world's strongest physical specimens, then subsequently slammed into a cold, unyielding surface." When asked Wednesday whether he had any trepidations about jeopardizing his future with his family for a few games in the twilight of an already Hall of Fame–worthy career, Manning said he was "just trying to focus on returning to football."
Roger Goodell Asks Football Fans How Much They Are Willing To Pay To Make Pro Bowl Go Away #~# NEW YORK­—Football fans "do not like the Pro Bowl" and "would rather get rid of the all-star game altogether," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Saturday, saying the league is open to hearing exactly how much money viewers are willing to offer to make a Pro Bowl cancellation happen. "The fans have said this is becoming embarrassing for the sport, and we want them to know we're listening. So there's a seat at the bargaining table waiting for them," said Goodell, gesturing to his team of accountants and lawyers. "As the Players Association saw last year, we will consider all offers in good faith, but we're not going to just give you everything you want and leave money on the table. Name a sum, and we'll see how badly you don't want this." Sources inside the league said they were not expecting an unusually large deal with the fans, as the NFL already takes in more than 95% of Americans' discretionary income.
New Rumsfeld Scholarship Awarded To Student Who Demonstrates Potential To Ignore Geopolitical Consequences Of Armed Invasion #~# CHICAGO—West Roosevelt High School student Jeremy Holloran became the first recipient of the Donald Rumsfeld Scholarship for Limited Geopolitical Foresight on Wednesday, a recognition bestowed upon students who demonstrate impressive potential for disregarding the predictable fallout that accompanies the invasion and occupation of a sovereign nation. "Through his academic achievements, volunteer activities, and Chess Club successes, Jeremy has shown he has the same thirst for power and blind hubris that a Rumsfeld scholar must embody," said Patricia Keith, who presides over the board that selected Holloran. "We are excited to watch him flourish in college, where he will no doubt excel at arrogantly and wantonly ignoring the influence native tribes have in the region over which he intends to exert control." Although he has not yet picked a school, Holloran said he plans to take a year off before college to be appointed chairman of Gilead Sciences Inc. and serve in the Nixon administration.
48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds #~# WILMETTE, IL—Describing himself as "open-minded" and "very willing to try new things," 48-year-old law firm partner Richard Bogan told reporters Saturday that, as unconven­tional as it may sound, he's actually quite receptive to the idea of dating 25-year-old women.
Josh Hamilton Apologizes For Not Calling Sports Media Immediately After Relapse #~# 'I Let A Lot Of Nationally Syndicated Columnists Down,' Says Slugger
Championship Celebration Moments #~# The Giants shut down Manhattan for half the day Tuesday with their NFL championship parade, and while magnificent, it didn't register alongside these epic sports victory celebrations:
Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Like Things To Go Right For Once #~# UTICA, NY—A poll released Tuesday by Zogby International found that 72 percent of Americans would prefer it if things could go right, just this one time, without something inevitably coming along and screwing everything up. “For once in my life, it would be cool if things didn’t suddenly fall apart right when they started going my way,” said poll respondent Esther Lau, who listed finally catching a break as one of her personal goals. “Suppose, for example, that instead of turning into a total disaster in the end, events worked themselves out in a way that was favorable, or at least okay for the most part. That’s a situation I would be amenable to.” The remaining 28 percent of Americans agreed that everything was just fine, and why would this even be a question someone would ask in the first place?
The Dr. Oz Show #~# NBC
Nonindigenous Larry Crosses State Lines #~# CINCINNATI—People in the greater Cincin­nati area reported multiple sightings of a non­indigenous Larry on Wednesday, leading officials from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources to conclude the outsider may have crossed state lines and traveled from as far away as Kansas. "This particular Larry is easily identified as invasive based on the colorful Kansas City Chiefs markings on his jacket," said local ecologist Russ Manning, adding that the Larry might have migrated eastward for the Powerball jackpot or simply gone out to find food and become lost. "Confirming this is not a native subspecies of Larry is his cry of 'Pop? Pop?' which is easily distinguishable from the local Larry's 'So-da! So-da!' Poor little guy is probably scared to death being this far from home." Manning stressed the importance of returning the invasive Larry to his native habitat before he mates with an indigenous Cheryl, upsetting the delicate balance of the local pool-hall ecosystem.
Congress Clears U.S. Airspace For More Drones #~# With a vote of 75 to 20 in the Senate, Congress approved a bill that will allow more drones, military and private, in U.S. airspace. What do you think?
Peyton Manning Congratulates Brother Eli: 'This Has Been The Worst Year Of My Life' #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Mere minutes after Super Bowl XLVI MVP Eli Manning hoisted the Lombardi Trophy on Sunday, he was congratulated in the locker room by his older brother, injury-ridden four-time NFL MVP Peyton, whose sadness at missing an entire season seemed to evaporate as he proudly grasped his younger brother by the shoulders and said, "Man, this has been without a doubt the worst year of my life."
Brandon Cisneros And Amy Phillips #~# Although she desperately wanted to marry Brandon Cisneros, Amy Phillips, 25, thought saying "I don't do' at the ceremony was just too funny an opportunity to pass up.
Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon #~# TEHRAN—Amidst mounting geopolitical tensions, Iranian officials said Wednesday they were increasingly concerned about the United States of America's uranium-enrichment program, fearing the Western nation may soon be capable of producing its 8,500th nuclear weapon. "Our intelligence estimates indicate that, if it is allowed to progress with its aggressive nuclear program, the United States may soon possess its 8,500th atomic weapon capable of reaching Iran," said Iranian foreign minister Ali Akbar Salehi, adding that Americans have the fuel, the facilities, and "everything they need" to manufacture even more weapons-grade fissile material. "Obviously, the prospect of this happening is very distressing to Iran and all countries like Iran. After all, the United States is a volatile nation that's proven it needs little provocation to attack anyone anywhere in the world whom it perceives to be a threat." Iranian intelligence experts also warned of the very real, and very frightening, possibility of the U.S. providing weapons and resources to a rogue third-party state such as Israel.
'Soul Train' Creator Don Cornelius Dead #~# Last week, the final chapter of Soul Train came to a close when show creator and longtime host Don Cornelius was found dead in his California home. Here are some highlights from the legendary show he created:
New Biography Reveals Einstein Devised Theory Of Relativity On Paper Because He Wasn't Smart Enough To Invent Microsoft Word #~# PRINCETON, NJ—A new biography by science historian Tanya Medel has rocked the physics world with the revelation that theoretical physicist Albert Einstein wasn't smart enough to invent Microsoft Word and use it to devise his theory of relativity. "The name Einstein has become synonymous with intelligence, but as I researched my book, it became clear he was incapable of devising a simple word-processing program with which to type up his findings," Medel said Thursday of the physicist whose work revolutionized science and fundamentally changed the way people think about space and time. "He had to scrawl everything out by hand, like some dumbo. It's a wonder people could even make heads or tails out of it without simple bullet points and auto-numbering." Medel also revealed that the famous photo of Einstein with his tongue sticking out was not a pose made for the sake of humor, but was instead the way he looked all the time because he was just that stupid.
Arne Duncan #~# "We've basically flushed $11,000 down the toilet for every single one of these little bastards." - Education Secretary Arne Duncan
Spanking Doesn't Work #~# A study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal analyzed two decades of research and found that children who were punished physically became more aggressive over time, while those who weren't became less aggressive. What do you think?
Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year #~# Number Astronomically High For Harmonious,  Postracial 21st-Century America, Researchers Say
Cryojennifer #~# CW
Study Reveals Majority Of Suicides Occur While Trying To Put Fitted Sheet On Bed #~# BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday in Psychological Bulletin, more than 83 percent of suicides take place when an individual is faced with the task of putting a fitted sheet onto a mattress. “In the majority of these cases, people end their lives after trying in vain to get the short side of the sheet onto the long side of the bed, and at least one-third kill themselves after struggling with the final corner only to realize it is their own body weight preventing the sheet from stretching far enough,” said Johns Hopkins University psychologist Dr. Khalil Mazarhi, adding that suicide victims are usually discovered in close proximity to fitted sheets that are either partially covering a mattress or balled up in a corner of the room. “The tragic irony of this phenomenon is that a significant number of people will actually use the sheet to hang themselves.” The study concludes with a recommendation that, for personal safety, fitted sheets only be handled when a second person is present.
Aged Americans #~# "Think about it: You're a United States citizen who has to live with the decision to elect Barack Obama every single day, a decision that constantly affects the entire planet. You'd only sleep four or five hours a night, too." - Democratic strategist Mitch Kaplan
Smoking Speeds Mental Decline #~# A study published in Archives Of General Psychiatry found that middle-aged men who smoked had diminished cognitive skills, the equivalent of having aged an additional 10 years. What do you think?
New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans #~# WASHINGTON—Recent side-by-side photographic comparisons of Americans before and after he assumed the presidency have confirmed the stress of Barack Obama's time in the White House has taken a significant toll on the U.S. populace, dramatically accelerating the nation's signs of aging.
Matt And Shandra Fink #~# With no family or friends in attendance, Matt and Shandra Fink were quietly married in a low-key Las Vegas ceremony, but the couple went right from there to pulling off an exciting casino robbery.
Report: Watching Episode of 'Downton Abbey' Counts As Reading Book #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report from the U.S. Department of Education released Thursday, watching a single episode of the British TV series Downton Abbey is the cultural and educational equivalent of reading an entire book. "It's a period piece with British accents and drama that hinges on each character's place within an aristocratic peerage system, so needless to say, viewing one show from beginning to end is basically the same as reading a book," Education Secretary Arne Duncan said. "Also you really have to pay attention to the  storylines, so it's also like reading in that respect. And it's not as if you can stop watching Downton Abbey for a while, come back to it, and remember exactly what's going on. You'd probably have to start over from the very beginning, just like you do with a book." Duncan then excused himself from the press conference so he could go home and watch a couple books before he went to bed.
Increase In NHL Ankle Injuries Linked To Super-Slick Synthetic Astro-Ice #~# NEW YORK—The NHL announced Tuesday it would study the possible safety and injury risks of playing hockey on Astro-Ice, an artificial rink-surfacing material used by many teams instead of expensive and difficult-to-maintain ice, the solid state of water formed at low temperatures. "While we maintain there are many benefits to using Astro-Ice—increased slipperiness, ease of installation, no need for costly Zambonis—we realize the increased instance of players falling down indicates a need for further examination," a press release issued by the NHL read in part. "Until the study is complete, we urge all franchises using Astro-Ice to exercise utmost caution." Astro-Ice, a Dow Chemical product, includes many of the same components found in water-based ice, plus added binding polymers, artificial coloring, and additional hydrogen, which the NHL said was "almost certainly" not to blame for this year's dramatic increase in on-ice fires.
Kid Court #~# FOX
Choosing Your Candidate #~# During primary season, it can be tough to decide whom you wish to nominate for president of the United States. Here are some simple ways to decide which candidate is right for you: 
Migrating Whooping Cranes Stall In Alabama #~# Nine whooping cranes that had been following an ultralight aircraft as it guided them on their migratory route stopped when they reached Alabama, 500 miles short of the intended destination. What do you think?
Health Department Still Not Able To Really Prove Why People Shouldn't Be Eating Candles #~# 'They Won't Kill You Or Anything, But They Can't Be Good For You,' Say Officials
NASA #~# "We're excited we made contact with this advanced form of life, but it's clear they're pretty big jerks." - NASA
Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy #~# HOUSTON—Marking a momentous leap forward in humankind's understanding of the universe, NASA scientists announced today they had received a radio transmission confirming the existence of intelligent, extremely condescending life in a galaxy nearly 13.8 billion light-years away.
Landon Donovan Inks $2-Per-Goal Deal With Grandparents #~# LOS ANGELES—At a press conference Monday, Everton and Los Angeles Galaxy forward Landon Donovan announced his signing of a $2-Per-Goal contract with his grandparents Frank and Dianne Donovan—a full 100 percent raise from his previous agreement. "Obviously, I'm thrilled to have this deal, and the 50-cents-per-assist clause was completely unexpected," said Donovan, counting on his fingers how much money he'd made in the past week. "Plus, Grandpa Frank gives me a silver dollar from his milk jug every time I visit, so if I save up, I might be able to buy a bicycle by this summer." As for last year's controversy surrounding the ice cream sundae Donovan was promised if he had fun and showed good sportsmanship, the star forward said that was all put aside after his grandma offered a signing bonus of his favorite meat loaf dinner.
Florida Millionaire Adopts 42-Year-Old Girlfriend #~# A 48-year-old West Palm Beach millionaire and polo club founder has adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend in an apparent bid to avoid paying out a wrongful death lawsuit. What do you think?
Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories #~# LIVERMORE, CA—Judging by his 18-month-old son's recent cognitive developments, local father Ryan Hardell figures he has about three more months to get drunk, curse, and make cruel jokes before the child begins forming long-term memories. "It's pretty great not having to second-guess whether the shit I'm doing is causing irreparable psychological harm, so I'd better make the most of the next 10 weeks or so," Hardell told reporters Thursday, explaining that thus far he has been able, with total impunity, to pretend as though he were about to throw his son in the trash to make his friends laugh and watch R-rated movies with him. "It's too bad. I'm really going to miss jokingly calling the boy an asshole every time he drops something." According to sources, Hardell has no immediate plans to stop walking around the house nude.
Meet The Press #~# NBC
Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend #~# WASHINGTON—According to Capitol Hill sources, Rep. Bobby Schilling (R-IL) came to the painful realization this week that agribusiness lobbyist Stephen Fischer, who had been kind and generous toward him for months and had often met up with him for drinks after work, was not, in fact, his friend.
Jacksonville Jags To Go Without A Head Coach For 2012 #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that it "doesn't really make a difference," Jacksonville Jaguars officials announced Saturday they plan to play the 2012 season without a head coach. "We took a look at our roster, our support staff, even ourselves as management, and basically determined the difference between having a head coach and not having one to be negligible," said general manager Gene Smith, adding that recent hire Mike Mularkey still hadn't shown up to work yet, and nobody within the Jaguars organization could blame him. "Maybe we'll lose two or three more games, but ultimately our head coach is just going to wind up a scapegoat, and we'd rather not put anybody in that position." Smith concluded the press conference by saying that given its recent history with the position, the team is also assessing whether or not it needs a quarterback this year.
Downton Abbey #~# PBS
Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job #~# TAMPA, FL—New Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano explained to reporters Friday his decision to leave Rutgers, saying the mid-Florida football team offered his family the privacy and anonymity he missed during his years in the Rutgers spotlight. "I realize many people can't understand why I would leave that big-time media market to come down here, but I want to step back and live a normal life again," said Schiano, under whose leadership Rutgers went 28-48 in the Big East and was even ranked in the top 25 one year. "Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the pressures of coaching in the 2008 PapaJohns.com Bowl, but it will be nice to work in a place where I won't have those high expectations on me all the time." Schiano led Rutgers to six bowls in 11 seasons, whereas the Buccaneers have made it to only one bowl game in their entire history.
Area Man Finally Sees Enough Images Of Bare Breasts For Entire Lifetime #~# 98,344th Pair Leaves 32-Year-Old Man Entirely Sated
Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers #~# TAMPA, FL—After finishing last in this week's Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul told reporters his poor showing in the polls was caused by the prohibitively expensive cost of the poster board, markers, and tape he uses to create and hang his campaign signs. "It's difficult for us to keep up with the better-funded campaigns and get our message out there when you have to dish out nine bucks or more for an eight-pack of multicolored markers," said Paul, adding that for his campaign, it was simply not financially feasible to use glitter or sparkles to make the posters more eye-catching. "We tried using ballpoint pens, but it took forever to make thick letters. Then we tried switching to typing paper, but it was just too small, and we couldn't fit 'Restore America Now' on there without having to flip over the page and put the last couple letters on the back side." Paul said he decided to suspend advertising in Florida after the black marker stopped working, reportedly because campaign chairman Jesse Benton forgot to replace the cap.
Should Sugar Be Regulated? #~# In a recent editorial in the journal Nature, researchers from the University of California–San Francisco suggested that as a toxic substance, sugar should be taxed and regulated like alcohol or tobacco. What do you think?
Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene #~# DALLAS—Sought-after free agent pitcher Roy Oswalt said he was "flattered and impressed" by the effort the Texas Rangers made in trying to sign him this week, but admitted he had no idea why the team made such a point of emphasizing the abundant, diverse, and thriving gay nightlife in Dallas.
1,000 'Bleacher Report' Writers Descend On Super Bowl Media Day #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Sports journalists and television crews were pushed aside during Super Bowl Media Day on Tuesday as more than 1,000 writers for the website BleacherReport.com entered Lucas Oil Stadium to acquire material for their trademark style of reportage. "I asked Tom Bardy [sic] where he thought he should be on my list of the top 10 guys to ever play in the Super Bowl, and he said it didn't sound like I had anyone who played before 2005," said Bleacher Report writer Darron Nasty, 16, whose credentials identified him as "Writer, Top 10 Carolina and Miami Hurricanes Writer, June 2011." "I think we got a lot of good answers, though, and our Super Bowl analysis lists are going to give a lot of insight to the fans and coaching staffs." Also at Media Day for the first time was the sports and culture web magazine Grantland, which sent Vin Scully to narrate the proceedings so that editors could sit at home listening to him on the radio while drinking cognac.
SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes #~# Last week, SEAL Team Six, the Navy strike force responsible for killing Osama bin Laden, rescued two humanitarian aid workers who'd been taken hostage by Somali pirates. With such a stressful line of work, the team needs a little down time now and then. Here's how the elite military squad unwinds:
New Study Finds Humans May Have Some Capacity For Compassion #~# TUCSON, AZ—A University of Arizona study published this week in the American Journal Of Sociology suggests that some adult humans may occasionally feel compassion, a trait scientists have long considered beyond the capacity of the species. "A small percentage of the roughly 900 subjects we observed seemed at times to exhibit genuine empathy toward another person experiencing either psychological or physical pain," said the study's lead author, Dr. Benjamin Trumble, who later added that these individuals did not appear as though they were looking to gain anything from their compassionate reactions, but, to the surprise of researchers, were simply concerned about another person's well-being. "Of course, we'll need to conduct further tests to rule out the possibility that these demonstrations weren't the result of statistical noise or the expression of some sort of very, very rare genetic mutation." The study also reaffirmed previous research indicating that 95 percent of individuals are capable of convincingly feigning compassion.
Burmese Pythons Exterminating Everglades Mammals #~# A study in the journal Proceedings Of The National Academy of Sciences links a drastic decline in raccoons and other mammals in the Florida everglades to the introduction of Burmese pythons. What do you think?
'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine #~# Horrified Workers Watch As Colleague Torn Apart By Powerful Content-Gathering Engine
Shafts #~# Oxygen
Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet #~# 132-Room Estate Includes Personal Chef, 24-Hour Security Detail
Newt Gingrich #~# "I should have worn one of those little beanies around more often, had a photo op with a rabbi, and, you know, just Jewed things up a bit more." - Newt Gingrich
Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail #~# ORLANDO, FL—A day after losing the Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told reporters his biggest regret in the Sunshine State was "not getting out there and doing more Jew stuff." "I should have worn one of those little beanies around more often, had a photo op with a rabbi, and, you know, just Jewed things up a bit more," said Gingrich, adding that if he'd made a few more statements about Israel or used some more "Jewey words" he could have easily "locked down the hebe vote." "Even though I was busy showing those beaners I liked tacos, I should have made some time to light a few candles near a synagogue or something. Those old Jews are so far gone at this point that you really need to beat the Jew stuff into their heads for anything to stick." As the Gingrich campaign shifts its focus to Nevada, the former House speaker declared his resolve to really galvanize that state's voters, including the "faggier ones."
Facebook To Launch IPO #~# Social networking site Facebook is expected to go public this week and will likely become the largest tech IPO in history. What do you think?
Romney Celebrates Florida Win With All-Night Miami Beach Rave #~# MIAMI BEACH, FL—Sparing no expense to celebrate his 14-point win over Newt Gingrich in last night's Florida primary, Mitt Romney hosted a lavish all-night rave at Miami's Club Amnesia Tuesday, packing the popular hot spot with a crowd of more than 2,000 enthusiastic supporters who danced and drank complimentary Cîroc vodka until dawn. "Boy, the Romney campaign really knows how to throw an insane party," said 26-year-old South Beach resident Anthony de Silva, recalling how crazy the crowd went when Romney's old friend Tiësto showed up to spin an impromptu neo-trance set. "At one point—I think it was around four in the morning—I saw Romney himself with a pacifier in his mouth, waving around a pair of glow sticks and shuffling like he was possessed by some kind of demon. I really hope he wins the nomination in August." As of press time Wednesday morning, sources reported seeing the disoriented former Massachusetts governor climbing down from the roof of a lifeguard tower, dressed in only his all-access VIP badge.
Media Manipulations, Falsehoods, And The Greater Truth #~# Recently, the most downloaded episode of This American Life—featuring Mike Daisey's monologue The Agony And The Ecstasy Of Steve Jobs—and a viral video about African child soldiers called Kony 2012 have fallen under fire for failing to provide wholly factual accounts of their subjects. Here are some other media projects that have not withstood scrutiny:
Honus Wagner Baseball Card #~# An ultrarare Honus Wagner baseball card, supposedly among the finest examples of the 60 believed to exist, is expected to bring $1.5 million at auction this month. Is it any good?
'The Natural' Not On TV Often Enough For Area Dad #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—Local father Ken Hosmer voiced his disapproval Sunday concerning the frequency with which cable television channels air the 1984 film The Natural. "I was flipping through and didn't see The Natural on TMC, TBS, or even AMC," said Hosmer, adding that while The Hunt For Red October provided a temporary diversion, it was no substitute for the Robert Redford classic. “I just want to be able to surf around and catch him striking out The Whammer, or maybe the part where he breaks Wonderboy right before the final home run, you know?” Hosmer also criticized his local classic rock radio station for its infrequent broadcasting of Thin Lizzy's 1976 hit "The Boys Are Back In Town."
I'd Be Happy To Help With Any Herding… #~# Lately, things have been a little slow. Just sort of been killing time by lying down, going on some walks, lapping up water. You know, same old, same old. I guess I’ve been a little bored, actually, and maybe feeling a bit antsy. You know what I mean by antsy, right? When you sort of want to get up and go, but you don’t really have anything to go to? It’s frustrating, right? Hey, actually, now that I have your ear, I’ve been meaning to ask: You don’t happen to have any herding you need a hand with, do you?
Cash Bus #~# Discovery
Lottery Reaches Record Jackpot #~# The multistate Mega Millions lottery jackpot has reached $640 million and become the largest prize of its kind in U.S. history. What do you think?
Number Of Songs GOP Candidates Can Use Down To 4 #~# WASHINGTON—Republican strategists confirmed Friday there are now only four songs in the entirety of recorded music that GOP candidates are legally permitted to use. "Currently, the only artists who have not issued court injunctions against Republicans for playing a song on the campaign trail are Kid Rock and Barry Manilow," said John Brabender, a senior strategist for Rick Santorum, adding that he "wouldn't be surprised" if Manilow's lawyer already has a cease-and-desist letter in the mail concerning use of "Ready To Take A Chance Again." "The only options left are in the public domain. So it's looking more and more likely that the Santorum campaign will make 'Turkey In The Straw' the official anthem of its White House run." According to sources, Mitt Romney took the stage during a Wisconsin campaign event Thursday with "Jimmy Crack Corn" blaring from gymnasium speakers.
Notable Suspensions In Sports #~# Following his team's involvement in a bounty program, Saints coach Sean Payton has been suspended for a year, one of the most daunting punishments in modern sports. Some others of note: 
Death Of Beloved Boxing Writer Bert Sugar Introduces Thousands To Beloved Boxing Writer Bert Sugar #~# MOUNT KISCO, NY—Bert Sugar, the prolific and colorful boxing writer whose smart-aleck yet genuine enthusiasm for boxing allowed him to straddle the line between critic and fan, gained thousands of new fans this week by dying of cardiac arrest at age 75. "I had no idea good writing about boxing could be so readable and fun," said Charlotte, NC resident and new Bert Sugar fan Lois Applebaum, who first learned of Sugar's existence and career through his New York Times obituary and has since "devoured every word she could find" by the universally beloved Boxing Hall of Fame inductee and author of more than 80 books. "Why didn't anybody tell me about this guy before?" In related news, publishing insiders expect sportswriter Rick Reilly's works to disappear almost entirely after Reilly is struck and killed by a derailed locomotive next week.
Spike Lee Tweets Wrong George Zimmerman's Address #~# After a Twitter user posted the wrong address for Treyvon Martin’s killer, filmmaker Spike Lee unwittingly retweeted the error, which led to an elderly couple in Florida receiving death threats and having to flee their home. What do you think?
Exhaustive Investigation By Broadcasters Finds Every Player In NCAA Tournament Just A Great Kid #~# NEW ORLEANS—An intensive monthlong investigation conducted by the color commentators, play-by-play announcers, studio analysts, sideline reporters, and other personnel tasked with televising the 2012 NCAA Men's Basketball Championship tournament concluded that every participating player was simply an exemplary young man who deserved all the success in the world, broadcasters announced Monday.
MLB Investigates Why Joba Chamberlain Is Allowed To Have A Son #~# TAMPA, FL—After reviewing details of the Mar. 22 accident in which Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain suffered a dislocated ankle while playing with his 5-year-old son, Karter, Major League Baseball announced Thursday it had launched an investigation into the oversight that allowed the 6-foot-2 right-hander to have a child. "Unfortunately, we can find no language in any contract between Mr. Chamberlain and the Yankees or the MLB that restricts, discourages, or otherwise bars him from having a son," a statement from the league read in part. "Clearly this is an almost criminal oversight… While this does not relieve Chamberlain of his own responsibility in this matter, Major League Baseball deeply regrets its part in the incident and wishes to assure fans that steps are being taken to prevent this situation from ever arising again." There is currently no timetable for Chamberlain to resume pitching or parenting.
Zimmerman Appears Uninjured In Video #~# In a surveillance video of assailant George Zimmerman from the night of the Trayvon Martin shooting, Zimmerman does not appear to be bloody or injured, raising questions about his story of being attacked and beaten by Martin. What do you think?
Shelly Paquette And An Asian #~# For marriage number seven, Shelly Paquette, 48, decided, “Why not go with an Asian?”
Bigot Group Recommended Alienating Gays From Blacks #~# In a memo recently made public, the National Organization for Marriage suggested it would benefit the group's antigay marriage agenda to drive a wedge between blacks and gays. What do you think?
Scalia Unable To Name All 9 Supreme Court Justices #~# WASHINGTON—Associate Justice Antonin Scalia struggled to recall the names of all nine active Supreme Court justices while playing a trivia game Thursday, sources confirmed. "Let's see, there's Breyer, um…Ginsburg. Pretty sure that's one. And, uh, there's that guy with the bow tie and the pinched face," said Scalia, noting that his difficulty in answering stemmed largely from the significant turnover on the nation's highest court since he memorized the names of its members in high school. "I can picture him in the photo, but what's his name? Oh, I remember Clarence Thomas, of course, because of the Anita Hill thing, and then there's that Mexican woman with the name that's impossible to pronounce. And…Kerrigan?" After initially declining offers of a hint, Scalia reportedly caved in and asked if someone could just give him the first couple letters of each justice's last name.
Sunny & Raini #~# Disney
SAT Takers Face Tighter Security #~# After last year’s scandal involving 20 Long Island students, SAT and ACT test takers will now face increased security measures. What do you think?
Protest Timeline Of Events #~# Full Story.
Nation's Quadriplegics Immobilize On Washington In Support Of Stem-Cell Research #~# WASHINGTON—Having arrived in the nation's capital by the wheelchair-accessible-busload, tens of thousands of quadriplegics from across the United States immobilized on the National Mall Wednesday, rallying in motionless protest against restrictions on federal funding for embryonic stem-cell research.
New Walgreens Facebook Plugin Allows Users To See What Prescriptions Friends Are Picking Up #~# DEERFIELD, IL—In an effort to enhance its social media presence, Walgreens pharmacies announced Wednesday the launch of "RxSocial," a new Facebook plugin that enables users to "view, share, and comment on" the prescription drugs their friends are taking. "Our goal is to create an interactive community that lets your friends see what your current dosage of Xanax is, what method of birth control you prefer, or whether you're likely to have any spare Adderall," said Walgreens e-commerce chief Sona Chawla, explaining that drug purchases show up automatically on users' Facebook profiles and appear in their friends' news feeds. "RxSocial even offers a real-time view of which drugs are trending right now." At press time, Gina Sims of Lawton, OK had picked up her lithium.
Supply Of College Graduates Outstripped By Workforce Demand #~# Though the number of people graduating from college in the United States every year is increasing, it is still not enough to keep pace with employer demand. What do you think?
U.S. Military Desperate To Be Handed Just One Solid War It Can Knock Out Of The Park #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Reportedly fed up with complicated and protracted operations overseas, top Pentagon officials acknowledged this week they were desperate to be given just one straightforward, no-nonsense military engagement they could really knock out of the park.
Gingrich Photo Op: $50 #~# Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich is charging supporters $50 to pose for a photo with him. What do you think?
This Kid Derek And Some Short Woman #~# This kid Derek you went to elementary school with and some short woman are getting married Saturday according to a wedding announcement your mom will clip out and send you because she thinks you might be interested.
'The Recovery Is Here,' Reports Underemployed Man Making $20,000 Less Than He Used To #~# CARBONDALE, IL—Citing the fact that he's now able to make the minimum payment on his credit cards each month and is back in the workforce making $20,000 less than when he was laid off in 2009, 43-year-old Tom Baker declared Tuesday that the economy was recovering by leaps and bounds. "The tide is turning!" said the man who had to sell his four-bedroom home for less than what he owed on it and move his wife and three children to a cramped apartment 800 miles away. "My company just hired 50 skilled contract employees with a guaranteed eight months of paid employment. America is back!" Baker said that if the economic turnaround continues, he may be able to save enough money to send at least one of his children in for a dental checkup.
U.S. Compensates Afghan Victims’ Families #~# The United States paid out $50,000 for every person killed and $11,000 for every person wounded in a Mar. 11 rampage for which a renegade U.S. soldier has been charged. What do you think?
Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out #~# MEDFORD, OR—Considering that everyone else at Kevin Brown's sleepover party is having a great time and not freaking out about missing their mommies and daddies, 10-year-old Brandon Thompson needs to just man up and tough it the fuck out because this homesick bullshit is getting ridiculous, sources reported Saturday.
Tom And Karen's Baby #~# ABC Family
NFL Panics When Only 17 Prospects Declare For Draft #~# NEW YORK—National Football League officials announced Monday that the 2012 player draft, originally scheduled to begin April 26, may have to be rescheduled or restructured, as only 17 college prospects have declared thus far. "We were frankly unprepared for the prospect of so many student-athletes staying in school, using their college educations to pursue other careers, or just avoiding the possible decreased health and life expectancy that come with an NFL career," Commissioner Roger Goodell said in a press conference. "As there are now fewer potential players to go around than there are teams, we may have to do some adjusting." In related news, Mel Kiper has released a new mock draft every hour since Friday.
Supreme Court Begins ‘Obamacare’ Hearings #~# The U.S. Supreme Court has begun three days of hearings on the constitutionality of the Obama health care plan. What do you think?
Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause #~# WASHINGTON—As the Supreme Court hears oral arguments today on President Obama's health care reform law, plaintiffs aiming to strike down the legislation are citing the U.S. Constitution's Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves clause, which decrees that children who suffer from debilitating illnesses prior to acquiring health insurance "should just go straight to hell." "It explicitly states in Article 4, Section 9 that 'children with extant disorders unable to pay exorbitant premium fees can just fucking die for all we care, especially the ones with leukemia.'" attorney Paul D. Clement told the nine jurists during his opening statement. "Thus the current law is on its face unconstitutional. The Founding Fathers clearly wanted to force doctors to turn away youth with acute asthma so the nation's children would turn blue in the face, go into cardiac arrest, and die in their own homes." Legal experts noted that if this argument fails, plaintiffs would undoubtedly cite the 24th Amendment's If-You-Don't-Have-Health-Insurance-Already-You-Must-Be-A-Poor-Fuck-Who-Doesn't-Deserve-It-Anyway provision.
Cause Of Male-Pattern Baldness Discovered #~# A study published in Science Translational Medicine found that an abundance of a protein called prostaglandin D2 was responsible for male-pattern baldness. What do you think?
Women Voters Can't Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP #~# 'We Should Know Better, But There's Just Something About Its Unflinching Misogyny,' Says Gushing Female Populace
Luck #~# HBO
Closing Of State Aviary Facilities Puts Hundreds Of Mentally Ill Birds On The Streets #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Due to budgetary constraints, the State of Rhode Island was forced to shutter a number of its aviary facilities Sunday, resulting in hundreds of mentally ill sparrows, pigeons, chickadees, pelicans, kestrels, and penguins being put out on the street. "These birds are incapable of making the decisions necessary to navigate through everyday life," Providence Aviary administrator Margaret Lyons said as a disturbed grackle pecked at a spot on the ground where there was clearly no food. "With nowhere to go and no one to look after them, they roam the streets, sleep on telephone wires, and fly uncontrollably and repeatedly into large-frame plate-glass windows. Frankly, it's irresponsible and inhumane to release a kiwi that hears voices into a world where it could be a danger to itself or to others." Gov. Lincoln Chafee has promised swift action, stating that he would close the state's cat shelters in order to rectify the situation.
Coach Draws Up Patented 'Unbalanced, Highly Contested 3-Pointer' Play For Game's Final Possession #~# LAFAYETTE, IN—Coach Brian Janssen, whose scrappy but undersized Wildcats are trailing their heavily favored crosstown rivals 45-47 with eight seconds left in their big game tonight, used his final timeout to draw up his patented "Off-Balance Well-Defended Last-Minute Shot From Well Outside the Three-Point Arc" play. "Okay, Razansky, when you inbound the ball, I want it to glance off your man's arm so that Fanningsworth has to chase it almost to half-court to get it back. Fanningsworth, you pass it to Welcyszko, but do it so slowly the defenders can easily move up to double-team him," Janssen said as the impatient refs signaled to him that the clock was about to restart. "Welcyszko, there will be two taller guys in your face, and you'll have forgotten how much time is left. It won't be much. Now, I know you've only hit four shots out of the 23 you've taken from downtown this year, but you'll be falling backwards and shooting with your off-hand, and they'll probably also foul you without being called, so just chuck it up there and don't think about your possibly pregnant girlfriend watching, or your estranged dying alcoholic father, either, even though he was the last guy to win the championship for this team back in the ’70s. Got it? Okay, break." The Wildcats are the seventh team Janssen has coached in five years.
Sidney Crosby's Long Year Off #~# Sidney Crosby's back and doing very well indeed since a concussion forced him to sit out a year of hockey. We look at how he spent his recovery time.
Greeting Each Other Like Normal Human Beings Impossible For Local Friends #~# PHOENIX—Persons close to Jake Parmentier and Mike Seifkes told reporters Saturday that despite being full-grown adults with jobs and families, the two longtime friends were still incapable of greeting each other like normal human beings.
That's So Gina! #~# CBS
Charles Barkley Repeatedly Commends Ohio University's Hunger #~# ATLANTA—In a special segment of Tuesday's edition of NBA Live dedicated to the NCAA Sweet 16, analyst Charles Barkley praised the "hunger, appetite for the game, and taste for a challenge" displayed by the underdogs of Ohio University. "They've really stepped up to the plate and devoured everything in front of them," said Barkley, salivating visibly while showing highlights of the Bobcats’ best dishes and jams. "They really set the table by beating Georgetown, and I love the way they're just licking their chops over North Carolina. I predict good things for them, like a meatball sub with extra provolone and Parmesan cheese on herb-garlic bread." Barkley spent the rest of his allotted time praising the 10th-seeded Xavier team for its blow-job-like qualities.
Cocaine Factor In Houston's Death #~# According to the coroner who conducted the autopsy on singer Whitney Houston, cocaine was a factor in her drowning death. What do you think?
Anthony Davis #~# Kentucky’s shot-blocking frosh sensation has been unselfish, versatile, and seemingly everywhere on the floor during the NCAA Tournament. Is he any good?
Area Man Gets Terrible Creative Juices Flowing #~# SLIDELL, LA—Local man Timothy Nolan announced Friday that after initially struggling to get into the right frame of mind for a new project, he had finally gotten his horrible creative juices flowing. "At first it was a challenge to jump-start my lackluster imagination, but once the floodgates of terrible ideas opened, it was pretty much nonstop drivel from there on out," said Nolan, adding that after he let his appalling artistic impulses fly, he couldn't stop his mind from churning out heinously abhorrent idea after heinously abhorrent idea. "With the sheer number of god-awful things just waiting to burst out of me, I wonder why I ever doubted my enfeebled and degenerate creative sensibilities in the first place. I'm a vessel for art in the worst possible way." As of press time, the first chapter of a new novel was stalled after Nolan was thankfully hit with a miraculous case of writer's block.
Grounder So Routine Nothing Could Possibly Go Wrong, Nothing At All #~# FORT MYERS, FL—A run-of-the-mill medium-speed ground ball has been hit right up the middle in such textbook fashion that it is nearly impossible for anything—anything in the entire world—to go wrong before the shortstop can field it, ballpark sources report.
'Hunger Games' Opens Today #~# The Hunger Games, the hotly anticipated film adaptation of the young adult novel in which teens have to fight to the death, opens today. What do you think?
Kentucky Going To Stick With Strategy Of Having Far-And-Away Better Athletes At Every Position #~# ATLANTA—In a press conference today regarding the Wildcats' Sweet 16 matchup, Kentucky coach John Calipari revealed to reporters he does not plan to switch up his strategy, which thus far has been to put in athletes who are much more gifted basketball players than the ones on the other teams. "When they get this deep in the tournament, some coaches see the good teams they're playing and think up ways they'll try to handle them," said Calipari, whose Wildcats have beaten their first two opponents so badly he has played nearly his entire bench of reserves. "I, on the other hand, am going to stick with what has worked so far: putting players on the court who make their opponents look like inept children and who will, in a few months, collectively take in tens of millions of dollars in the first round of the NBA draft." Calipari later admitted he will not even be attending Kentucky's game against Indiana tonight, as it conflicts with a meeting he scheduled with top-ranked recruit Nerlens Noel.
Marine Faces Discharge For Anti-Obama Facebook Posts #~# A U.S. Marine sergeant who started a Facebook page called Armed Forces Tea Party may be dismissed from the corps for violating Pentagon directives on political speech by active soldiers. What do you think?
Tim Tebow Absolutely Horrified After First Phone Conversation With Rex Ryan #~# NEW YORK—Confusion, disgust, and terror were among the emotions new Jets quarterback Tim Tebow reported feeling after a 20-minute phone call with New York coach Rex Ryan. "Coach Ryan is a very…expressive person. Really descriptive. He can be a little vulgar, though," the visibly distraught Tebow told reporters while attempting to hold a glass of ice water steady enough to drink from it. "He told me what he wants the Jets to do next year. Then he told me I'd like New York, and why. Then he told me about, about the 'fun' we are all going to have together. That was most of the call. I have to go now. I have to call my parents. I have to be alone for a while." Coach Ryan said he enjoyed talking with Tebow, whom he described as "a nice, quiet kid with a good head for football who gasps a lot when you talk about poontang."
New Porno Worth Checking Out Even For People Who Aren’t Familiar With 5 Guys Jerking Off On Single Pair Of Tits #~# LOS ANGELES—Adult film fans have praised the newly released Batter Splatter 9, calling the 43-minute pornographic DVD accessible even to people who aren't previously acquainted with five guys jerking off on a single set of tits. "There's something in this movie for everyone, whether you already know something about five men of varying ethnicity repeatedly ejaculating upon the breasts of a young woman, or whether you're a first-time viewer," pornography enthusiast Rick Baineman said Thursday, stressing that the film did not contain any overly esoteric references or jargon-filled dialogue familiar only to longtime devotees. "The first two minutes might be a little confusing to the uninitiated, but once the guys start unzipping their jeans and forming a semicircle, you get brought up to speed pretty quickly." Baineman added that while the film can be enjoyed on multiple levels, those already familiar with pulling out at the last second and climaxing on a woman's face might get more out of it.
Poll Shows Best Part Of Primary Season Has Been Really Getting To Know, Spend Time With 4 Great Guys #~# WASHINGTON—According to a Gallup poll released Thursday, a majority of Americans believe the best and most satisfying aspect of the entire 2012 presidential primary experience has been the opportunity to spend extended time in the company of four just really terrific guys.
Brain Mechanism Triggered By Electroshock Discovered #~# Though electroconvulsive therapy has been in use since the 1930s, a paper published in the journal Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences described for the first time how the treatment cures patients of depression. What do you think?
Survivorbot #~# Discovery
Romney Wins Illinois #~# Pundits are declaring that Mitt Romney's decisive victory in Illinois yesterday is a good indicator that he'll win the nomination. What do you think?
PTSD #~# "If it's only their second or third tour, we have no problem sending soldiers with shattered psyches and profound emotional problems back into a war zone." - Army Staff Sgt. Robert Bales
Study Finds Newborn Infants Can Tell If Parents Are Losers #~# CHICAGO—A study published this week in the journal Pediatrics found that, within seconds of their birth, babies have the ability to sense whether their parents are losers. "From the moment they open their eyes, newborns can tell if their mother had no other options and was forced to settle for their father, or if their father is a sad sack who has no friends and gets drunk on a single glass of chardonnay," said researcher Dr. Stuart Lindstrom, explaining that despite their blurry vision, infants can still identify basic loser body types, and have specialized olfactory receptors allowing them to detect the odor of failure. "In fact, we've determined that as early as the second trimester, a fetus picks up on the income and social standing of its mother via the umbilical cord." The study also concluded that the screams of newborns stem from the sudden realization they will be stuck with their loser parents for at least 18 years.
Military Now Considering Limiting Soldiers With Severe PTSD To 3 Combat Tours #~# WASHINGTON—Following the alleged murder of 16 Afghan civilians by Army Staff Sgt. Robert Bales, the U.S. military announced Wednesday it would consider limiting troops with crippling post-traumatic stress disorder to just three combat tours. "If it's only their second or third tour, we have no problem sending soldiers with shattered psyches and profound emotional problems back into a war zone, but the case of Staff Sgt. Bales suggests four may be too many," said Gen. John R. Allen, the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan, adding that troops in their third deployment can still basically function with PTSD and, instead of snapping and killing civilians, "might still have it together enough to kill actual enemies when they go berserk." "We are beginning to think that if a soldier in his fourth tour suffers from constant night terrors or is haunted by memories of the friends he's lost in combat, he could actually become a liability on the battlefield." Gen. Allen acknowledged that while it is possible the redeployment of the mentally ill is a bad policy altogether, any such notion is mere speculation at this point.
Dolphins Spend Entire Meeting With Alex Smith Venting About Free Agents They Couldn’t Sign #~# MIAMI—Quarterback Alex Smith’s meeting with the Miami Dolphins on Sunday was unproductive, sources confirmed, because team executives were on the verge of tears and unable to talk about anything except all the other free agents who have turned them down so far this offseason. "It’s bad enough that Peyton has his family here and would barely consider us, but Matt Flynn turned us down and now we're going to have to sign David Garrard, of all people," Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland reportedly told Smith, sinking his face into his hands and wondering aloud how any team could make the region’s beaches an unattractive place to live. "God, I hate the way people treat us like we don't even exist." Smith re-signed with the 49ers Tuesday in a deal said to be worth $8 million annually.
Wendy's Surpasses Burger King #~# In 2011, Wendy's overtook Burger King to become the No. 2 fast food hamburger chain in the United States. What do you think?
U.S. Citizen Resigns After Making Controversial Remark About Country #~# MATTOON, IL—Ending the firestorm of controversy that erupted after he made a highly critical comment about the United States, 43-year-old hardware store employee Keith Nellson bowed to public pressure Wednesday and announced he would be stepping down as an American citizen, effective immediately.
Panicked Redskins Send Another Couple First-Round Picks To St. Louis Just To Make Sure #~# WASHINGTON—Mere days after sending the St. Louis Rams three first-round picks and a second-round selection in exchange for the second pick of the 2012 NFL Draft, the Washington Redskins took steps to ensure they would be able to sign Heisman Trophy–winning quarterback Robert Griffin III and sent the Rams another pair of first-round picks "just to be absolutely sure." "We have to take steps to protect the future of this organization," Redskins owner Daniel Snyder said Monday, adding that he would also consider throwing in tight end Chris Cooley, Washington’s best offensive player, and $1.4 million in cash if it helped to "make super sure" his team gets the pick. "And the way I see it, giving all our future draft picks away is the best long-term plan for the Redskins, especially since we don't have any money." As of press time, Rams officials said they had filed the paperwork to transfer the draft pick, but that having Redskins linebacker Brian Orakpo "couldn't hurt the process."
Atheists Unbless Florida Road #~# To protest government officials involvement last year in the blessing of a county road, an atheist group in Lakeland, FL "washed away" the blessing this weekend. What do you think?
Your Dog Died #~# Sorry You Had To Learn About It Like This, Buddy
Sometimes I Feel Like I'm The Only One Who Gives A Shit About Rich, Lustrous Hair #~# Today I saw a woman whose hair had incredible potential. With a little effort and the help of quality hair-care products, she could have had glorious, bountiful locks—the kind any man, woman, or child would kill for. I do not exaggerate when I say she had a head of hair that was a gift from God. But it was all a tragic waste, because atop her head sat a nest of horrors: flyaways, frizz, dry ends. Pure natural beauty ruined by pure neglect.
Delta Highest In Pet Deaths #~# According to documents filed with the Federal Aviation Administration, Delta Airlines accounted for 19 of the 35 flying-related pet deaths in 2011. What do you think?
Keeping an Open Mind #~# In the modern world we are constantly exposed to new ideas, concepts and cultures and we are expected to experience them without preconceived notions, which can be difficult for some. Here are some ways to help keep an open mind:
NHL Reluctantly Signs Deal With Hockey To Continue As Their Sport Through 2016 #~# NEW YORK—Despite revenue, attendance figures, and viewing statistics showing it continues to lag behind as the least popular major sports league in the country, the NHL reluctantly completed a four-year, $20 million deal with hockey Tuesday to continue on as its sport through 2016. "We've struggled to survive under hockey for decades, so we realize it's not a realistic sport for a professional league," said Commissioner Gary Bettman, adding that the NHL is making "every effort" to work toward a suitable sport to play for the long term. "With an untenable infrastructure of cold arenas and so many franchises rooted in Canadian cities, it's impossible to switch sports right now, but I promise the NHL will get out of hockey as soon as it is feasible." Bettman refused to comment on what sport the league might go to next, but bantered happily for half an hour with a reporter who asked about volleyball.
8 States Fail Corruption Test #~# A multi-agency survey of corruption in the U.S. gave a grade of “F” to eight states, including South and North Dakota, Maine, and Virginia. What do you think?
Empathy Theatre #~# PBS
$100 Buys Airport Security Bypass #~# By paying a one-time fee of $100 and attending a brief interview with a customs officer, flyers can bypass the regular airport security lines and pass through without removing their belts or shoes, or the liquids in their bags. What do you think?
Ray-Ban A Little Unsure Public Can Pull Off 2012 Series Of Sunglasses #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Premium eyewear manufacturer Ray-Ban confirmed Monday it has "some very real doubts" about whether its summer 2012 line of sunglasses is something American consumers will be able to pull off. "It's a tricky look, not everyone can make it work, and even those with enough confidence to make a serious attempt usually end up looking like they're just trying too hard,” said company spokesperson Vincent DeSoto, who acknowledged that marketing research indicates Americans wearing Ray-Ban aviator shades are 24 percent more likely to be perceived by their peers as assholes. "The truth of the matter is, Americans don't have the face for it this summer, and unless you have exceptional cheekbones, we recommend you just leave your Ray-Bans hanging from your shirt collar without actually putting them on.” Officials added that even if the glasses look ridiculous on Americans, this summer's Ray-Bans will still have a big logo on the lens so that everyone knows all the wearers are in some kind of special fucking club or something.
Residents Of Indiana Join Together To Form Collective Consciousness #~# 'We Are Indiana,' New Hive Mind Announces
NFL: Thank God That Bounty Thing Is Over And All Fixed Now #~# NEW YORK—In a statement late Friday expressing its heartfelt relief at the passing of what it said was "really not a big deal after all, it turns out," the National Football League thanked God that the issue of defensive players being paid to injure opponents was, in fact, over. "Phew!" read the press release from the NFL, which was signed by Commissioner Roger Goodell, all 32 team presidents, and the heads of the officiating and rules committees. "That was kind of ugly for a little bit, right? But it's all over and we can go on knowing that nothing like that will ever happen again. Not that anything happened. Who's excited for the draft?" The press release was issued as part of a series of official statements with titles such as "Head Injuries: I Know, Right?" and "Undetectable Performance-Enhancing Drugs—Whaaaat? Shut Up!"
Poll: 96% Of Bands Looking For Slightly Better Drummer #~# WASHINGTON—According to a Zogby poll released this week, 96 percent of rock groups across the nation are currently in search of a slightly better drummer. "Nearly all bands surveyed indicated that, while their current drummer could keep time and was 'pretty good,' they certainly wouldn't mind playing with someone who could handle quicker rhythms and maybe knew a few more beats," pollster Will Materson said. "Additionally, most bands seemed to indicate they would be open to any drummer who could just be a bit more versatile in general, like Adam, who is completely awesome but is currently playing with those other guys who let him sing lead on a couple songs." The poll also found that 72 percent of bands think it would be pretty cool to get a band member who could play piano on a few tracks.
OTTO THE ORANGE #~# Perhaps the most distinctive mascot in college basketball, Otto the Orange will doubtless give No. 1 seed Syracuse his full support through the tournament. Is he any good?
Area High School Somehow Still Carrying On Without 2011 Seniors #~# HENDERSON, TN—Despite 2011's seniors being the most awesome class ever to pass through the halls of Chester County High, staff and students told reporters Friday the school has somehow managed to carry on without them. "I never thought we'd recover from the loss of the greatest class of all time, but by some miracle, we're still here," said Principal Troy Kilzer, citing the class of 2011's spirit and Christine Kelly’s amazing homecoming decorations as just a few of the reasons the 98-year-old Chester High should have, by all rules of logic, ceased to exist following the graduating seniors' departure. "The rock they painted 'Class of 2011' on is still there on the hill overlooking the school, reminding us every day of their devastatingly clever senior prank, when they all showed up one morning wearing their clothes backwards. The doors should have closed forever based on that alone, but somehow we're still getting by—just barely, but we're getting by." According to current senior class sources, the loss of the unbelievably awesome class of 2012 will definitely bring Chester County High School to an end.
Still Some Nutella Left In Jar, Reports Depression #~# TIGARD, OR—Citing the fact that having another spoonful or two wasn't going to make much of a difference at this point anyway, a crippling bout of clinical depression reported Tuesday there was definitely still some Nutella left in that jar.
Report: Humans Have Evolved To Point Where They No Longer Hear Dick Vitale #~# PALO ALTO, CA—New research released Thursday by Stanford University biologists indicates that in a single generation, human beings have evolved to the point where they can no longer hear anything college basketball commentator Dick Vitale says. "It's amazing the ways our genome will adapt to help us survive," said lead researcher Dr. Ramona Collier, who designed a study subjecting 540 undergraduate students to recordings of Vitale's commentary and frozen-pizza commercials. "Humans whose auditory systems can't process Vitale’s voice aren’t distracted by his overzealous yelling, repetitive catchphrase usage, or weak, unfocused analysis. Consequently, they are more alert to potential threats, opportunities to reproduce, and other information vital to their lives." Collier suggested it is surprising Vitale himself has not yet been thinned from the herd, as he makes an easy target for predators who can hear his shrieks, spot his flailing arms, and smell his unabashed bias toward Duke.
Notable NFL Free Agents #~# The 2012 NFL schedule has begun with a frantic flurry of free-agent signings, and Onion Sports runs down the best players available.
Sound Technicians Resort To Hanging Donald Sutherland Upside Down In Empty Stairwell To Get Optimal Voice-Over Tone #~# BURBANK, CA—During a recording session earlier this week, technicians at ProSound Studios found they were able to obtain a perfectly lush, heady voice-over resonance by hanging actor Donald Sutherland upside down from the railing of an empty staircase. "We tried lowering him into an old smokestack, but you lose some of the subtlety in his lower register that way," audio engineer Kevin Coe said as he loosened Mr. Sutherland's leg buckles and eased him down onto the landing. "Toyota is very specific about the sound they want, and we found that hanging Donald upside down in this staircase and muffling him slightly by stuffing socks into his mouth produced exactly the sort of warm, comforting inflections the client just loves." Coe said the recordings, which effectively showcased Mr. Sutherland’s full, powerful timbre, were some of the best work he's done, though Toyota ultimately decided to go with a more ragged, gravel-toned Gene Hackman voice-over instead.
Children's Stair Injuries Down Nearly 12% #~# A study from Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, OH reports that, while a child is hospitalized every six minutes with a stair-related injury, the number of incidences has fallen 11.6 percent since 1999. What do you think?
Report: Only Matter Of Time Before A 'SportsCenter' Host Snaps, Blows Brains Out On Live Television #~# BRISTOL, CT—Citing the increasingly frenetic pace at which SportsCenter anchors and correspondents are forced to report the same shallow feature items, gushing personality profiles, and artificially inflated news stories, media analysts announced Friday that ESPN was at great risk of seeing one of its hosts die of a self-inflicted gunshot wound during a live broadcast.
In Over Your Head #~# We're talking $1,310 a month for the next 30 years of your life—that's until 2042 and doesn't even begin to include property taxes. Not to mention mortgage insurance, title insurance, closing fees, what have you. Think you can skimp on an inspection or appraisal? Think again, buddy, or you'll be screwed so hard. And have you even heard of an "amortization" or "points" before? Yeah, I didn't think so. You're so fucked. Reference #98498
Peyton Manning In Talks With Dolphins About Whether Miami Would Be A Good Place To Retire #~# MIAMI—Immediately following his eight-hour meeting Wednesday with the owners and coaches of the Tennessee Titans, star free-agent quarterback Peyton Manning initiated talks with the Dolphins over whether their host city would make a good retirement spot, sources close to the team said. "Peyton called this morning, and I stressed how great Miami would be for him. We've cut some major distractions from our roster, re-signed top defensive personnel—and I'm willing to design the offense so it’s keyed on him," said newly hired coach Joe Philbin, who spent most of the 45-minute call answering Manning's questions about local deep-sea fishing, South Beach nightlife, and the possibility of building a second house in the Keys. "I was particularly excited to learn that, if he comes to Miami, either right away or in four or five years, he plans on settling down here for good." Manning is also scheduled to contact the Denver Broncos this week to discuss the possible long-term outlook of skiing conditions.
Girl Scouts Turns 100 #~# Juliette Gordon Low started the Girl Scouts of America in Savannah, GA on Mar. 12, 1912. Here are some highlights from the organization's century of providing activities and education:
Study Finds Owning Cool Leather Jacket More Rewarding Than Raising Children #~# SEATTLE—A study released Thursday by the Pacific Parenting Institute found that owning a seriously cool leather jacket is significantly more fulfilling than raising a child to adulthood. "Our research suggests that the feeling of purchasing a really amazing leather jacket and then proudly watching over time as it gradually becomes broken in and forms perfectly to your body is, by a very wide margin, more rewarding than conceiving a child and then raising it from birth to 18 years of age," said lead researcher Dr. Marcus Aiello, adding that it was on average 63 percent more gratifying to regularly condition a leather jacket that had awesome vertical zippers on the sleeves than it was to read nightly bedtime stories to a son or daughter. “When study participants also obtained just the right pair of faded jeans and some vintage harness motorcycle boots to go with their badass leather jacket, these enormous feelings of pride and satisfaction reached levels that caused similar feelings stemming from attending a child's college graduation to become statistically irrelevant.” Aiello also noted that the average cost of raising a child is estimated to be $400,000, an amount researchers pointed out was much higher than the price of a mint-condition 1971 supercharged Plymouth Barracuda.
Long Space Voyages May Damage Vision #~# MRI scans of astronauts who have been on long space flights found evidence of intracranial hypertension, which could damage eyesight. What do you think?
Supreme Court Justices Drowsily Bid One Another Good Night While Drifting Off To Sleep In Giant Shared Bed #~# WASHINGTON—As night settled over the nation’s capital Wednesday and a bright, full moon hung amid the twinkling stars and cast long shadows over the National Mall, all nine Supreme Court justices could be overheard drowsily bidding one another good night before drifting off to sleep in their giant shared bed.
Positively Andy #~# ABC
Resounding Humanity #~# "To have my belly repeatedly whacked is no less than the resounding declaration of my very humanity." - Joshua Bishop
Justice Department Rejects Texas Voter ID Law #~# The U.S. Department of Justice blocked a Texas law requiring voters to present a state-issued photo ID before casting a ballot, saying it unfairly discriminated against Hispanics. What do you think?
Area Man Secretly Tired Of Exposing His Big Belly For Friends To Slap, Yet Knows No Other Way #~# GREENSBORO, NC—Though local man Joshua Bishop secretly yearns to stop exposing his ample belly for friends, family, and coworkers to playfully smack, the 28-year-old assistant project manager confessed Wednesday that he fears he has invested too much of his identity in the ritual to ever abandon it. “I admit I tire of this demeaning exercise, but without submitting to it, how else am I to reaffirm the bonds of brotherhood with my fellow man?” said Bishop, whose rotund middle has over the years been lightheartedly slapped, jiggled, and manipulated in such a way that it forms a simulacrum of a face that is then made to appear as though it is talking or singing. “To have my belly repeatedly whacked is no less than the resounding declaration of my very humanity, and yet it is a small piece of my humanity that withers and dies with each spirited bongo solo. I am nothing without this grotesque, undignified spectacle, but what part of my true self can possibly survive should I allow it to continue?” At press time, the reporter was winding up to really give Bishop a good one.
Alien World To Help Out Syria Since This One Refuses To #~# IMPERIAL CITY, PLANET ZARKLOM 12—Frustrated by "the astonishing incapacity of earthlings to halt the rampant slaughter of their own kind" in Syria, the emperor of Zarklom 12 announced Wednesday he had no choice but to dispatch his own intergalactic forces from 3 million light years away to end the senseless bloodshed.
Rick Santorum Relieved No One Has Asked Him About Interracial Marriage Yet #~# LAFAYETTE, LA—Saying his campaign has "really dodged a bullet so far," Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told reporters today that, much to his relief, no one has asked his opinion on interracial marriage. "No question about it, what I'd have to say about the topic would absolutely terrify anyone with a conscience," said Santorum, adding that his longstanding and carefully thought-through views on whether two individuals of different races should be allowed to marry would put him so far out of the mainstream that it’d be "hilarious how insane [he]’d sound." "The truth is, if anyone decided to ask me flat out if I approve of marriages between black men and white women, for example, the flood gates would open and the bile I would spew would sink this campaign in 10 seconds tops." As of press time, reports of Santorum's mere reference to his incendiary views had caused his favorability ratings in Alabama and Mississippi to skyrocket.
Pathetic Bobcats Owner Again Regaling Players With Tales of His NBA Glory Days #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—To the exasperation of his struggling team, the owner of the Charlotte Bobcats has been hanging around the locker room once again this week, telling any and all who will listen about his glory days in the league. "Can't he let it go? Just go play golf and ride your motorcycles or whatever," said Bobcats guard Kemba Walker, leaving hastily upon seeing the smiling owner enter the room wearing an outdated, closely cropped mustache. "What am I supposed to do with all these stories? One time he said he made a shot in the playoffs that was so good, they just called it 'the Shot.' That doesn't even make sense." Walker added that the owner seems to see his time in the league as "some kind of golden era of the NBA" and that "to hear him tell it, he's like the greatest player of all time."
Move Right Into A Piece Of Small-Screen History! #~# Available immediately, the Anderson, IN home where Teen Mom star Amber Portwood conceived her path to television stardom. Reference #6547978
Gingrich Desperately Trying To Court People-Who-Vote Vote #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to gain key wins in today's primaries, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has adopted a new strategy that targets the crucial people-who-vote demographic, sources confirmed. "Gingrich has repeatedly failed to attract the Americans-who-participate-in-the-electoral-process vote," said Washington-based pollster S. David Pollack, explaining how the former House speaker's lack of support among this segment of the population has hurt his chances of winning the Republican nomination. "He just doesn't really connect with people who pay attention to candidates for public office and then go to a polling place to cast a ballot. Unfortunately for Gingrich, this group makes up roughly 100 percent of likely voters, and is simply too important to ignore." Although the people-who-vote vote is a redoubtable force in American politics, critics claim its power is unfair and disproportionate, as it makes up only a small percentage of the overall population.
Obama Waiting For Perfect Moment To Walk By White House Tour Group #~# 'They're Totally Going To Freak Out,' Excited President Says
The Tree Of Liberty Must Be Refreshed With The Blood Of Air Show Pilots #~# For more than two centuries, the United States of America has stood as a shining beacon to people the world over. Immigrants flock to our nation's shores to drink from the cup of liberty and partake of our bounteous freedoms. But, as the saying goes, freedom isn't free. These privileges we hold so dear are not simply granted to us; they must be diligently maintained by each successive generation. Which is why, from time to time, the great tree of liberty must be refreshed with the nourishing, crimson blood of air show pilots.
LSD Could Be Viable Alcoholism Treatment #~# A comprehensive analysis of LSD studies conducted in the 1960s and ’70s found that alcoholics were less likely to relapse if they took LSD under the controlled supervision of a psychiatrist. What do you think?
The Lockhorns: The Animated Series #~# Fox
Black Sheep Of Earnhardt Family Dies In Public Transit Crash #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Dr. Terrance Earnhardt, youngest son of the late NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt, died Friday when the light-rail Muni Metro train he was riding home from his oncology practice derailed, delivering one final embarrassment to the racing family. "It's a shame things had to come to this, but at least they finally have some closure and can stop worrying about him politely moving to the center of the vehicle so that other bus passengers have room to board," said longtime family friend Darrell Waltrip. "I know it tore Dale up inside, but after Terry confessed he didn't like competition or going fast and had a deep interest in alternative transportation solutions that reduced society's carbon footprint, they never spoke again. It was for the best." The Earnhardt family is planning a private mourning lap Wednesday and has posthumously named Terrance the driver of the number 37 Quaker State Oil Additives Chevrolet.
Report: Some People Wake Up When It’s Still Dark Outside #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Labor Department, some people evidently get up when it is still dark outside and, rather than immediately going back to sleep, actually opt to start their days at this time. "As strange as it sounds, we found that a not insignificant number of people wake up before the sun has risen and then, amazingly, engage in a variety of activities," department spokesperson Laura Rittenberg said of the report, based on a survey of 1,000 American households. "These people will actually do things such as go jogging or read newspapers, and in some cases, they will even wake up, shower, and head directly into work, only to return home after it's dark outside again—yeah, it's super weird." The report also suggests that some people may in fact work all night and then go to sleep when the sun is coming up, though most experts have dismissed this notion as far too outlandish.
Ground Beef Contains Pink Slime #~# According to a U.S. Department of Agriculture whistleblower, 70 percent of all ground beef sold in stores contains "pink slime," beef trimmings that have had the fat removed and been treated with ammonia to kill bacteria. What do you think?
Succession Of Terrible Events Fails To Befall 33-Year-Old Riding Longboard To Digital Media Job #~# NEW YORK—A series of horrific, devastatingly injurious events failed to befall 33-year-old Flavorpill.com digital media developer Jake Reston as he confidently skated to work on his longboard, shocked witnesses reported today.
Extreme Home Makeover: Shower Edition #~# HGTV
How Sturdy Is That? #~# HGTV
Government Admits To Hiding Embarrassingly Lame 1973 Extraterrestrial Encounter #~# WASHINGTON—National Security Agency officials released a report this week detailing an exceedingly disappointing alien encounter that occurred in New Mexico nearly four decades ago. "The event has remained classified for this long not because it contained sensitive information, but because the whole thing was just really lame and not even worth mentioning," NSA commander Thomas Geary said during a press conference, explaining that neither humans nor their intergalactic visitors "came off particularly well" in the lackluster meeting. "I know people hear words like "extraterrestrial encounter" and "government cover-up" and get excited, but trust us on this one, it was an incredible letdown in every way. Lots of standing around and then an abrupt, awkward goodbye, and that was about it, really." After providing reporters with copies of the report, Geary excused himself, insisting that he was too embarrassed to be in the room while they read it.
Spate Of Offseason Kicker Suicides Blamed On Trauma Of Getting Iced By Timeouts #~# NEW YORK—A study released Friday concerning the four suicide deaths of NFL kickers in recent months suggests the players all exhibited signs of post-timeout stress disorder, a condition blamed on the "hellish psychological torture" of an opposing coach icing them with a timeout right before a field-goal attempt. "Kickers don't like to admit timeouts bother them, because in football's masculine culture that's a sign of weakness," said Dr. Franklin Gould, one of the study's authors, who criticized the league for disputing the harm caused by kicker icing. "This is an extremely harrowing experience for kickers, and we always recommend they take a few weeks off to cope and talk to someone about what they went through. But in most cases, they go right back on the field and attempt the field goal again anyway." The study was particularly harsh on the San Diego Chargers, whose kicker Nick Novak showed "several symptoms" of deteriorating mental health, such as urinating on the sideline, before his shooting spree targeting the Broncos' coaching staff last week.
Indiana Either This Year's UConn, This Year's Arizona, 2010's Michigan State, Or A Combination Of 2003's Marquette And 1987's Providence #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—As the Hoosiers enter the NCAA Tournament for the first time in four years, many commentators are speculating that the 2012 Indiana men's basketball team could be this year's UConn, or at least this year's Arizona, or potentially even a hybrid of 2003's Marquette team and the 1987 Providence squad, both of which made surprise runs to the Final Four. "IU is getting hot at the right time, much like Connecticut last year, but they also have a dominating freshman like Arizona had. Then again, Marquette also had freshman Dwyane Wade in 2003, and Tom Crean also coached that team, so maybe that is the better comparison, especially if you pair elements of that team with the 1987 Providence Friars," ESPN analyst Jay Bilas said Saturday, stopping to backtrack several times during the segment to recount which teams Indiana does and does not remind him of. "Ultimately, I see this team making a nice run to the Sweet 16, but bouncing out there, which incidentally enough is exactly what the 1994 Hoosiers did, so I might change my answer. Yeah, that's it—this Indiana team strikes me as most similar to the '94 Indiana team. And maybe a little like Michigan State from two years ago, now that I think about it." After more than 15 minutes, two commercial breaks, and the rolling of a whiteboard into the studio to help parse through several dozen teams from multiple eras, the College GameDay crew agreed that come tournament time, Indiana should appear most reminiscent of the Indiana basketball team that played in the Big 10 Tournament on Friday.
John Calipari #~# Newly minted SEC Coach of the Year John Calipari has led more schools to the No. 1 seed, and had more victories vacated from the records, than any other coach. Is he any good?
Online Recap Of TV Show Attracts 25,000 Readers Who Have Given Up On Life #~# NEW YORK—The website TVFighter announced Friday that its weekly recap of the show Fringe had received a record-high 25,000 hits from readers who might as well be dead. "After each episode, I like to check the recap just to stay on top of everything, plus the message board is a great way to touch base with other fans," said 32-year old Mike Puleo, who, given his decision to read about a TV program immediately after watching it, has clearly lost his will to live. "I've made some pretty good friends that way. Sometimes me and another guy or two will be on there for hours, commenting back and forth about what's happening with the show. It's one of my favorite things on the Internet." While acknowledging the recaps occasionally contain "serious mistakes" and are not terribly well written, the man whose existence is devoid of any meaning or value of any kind said reading them was "still better than nothing."
We Hope You Enjoyed Your Stay In The Room Our Daughter Died In! #~# Headed out already? Why, it seems like you just got here. Boy, did you ever luck out with the weather this weekend—warmest days we've had all year! Before you go, we just want to say thank you for choosing our bed and breakfast, and we hope you had a relaxing and enjoyable stay in the Lilac Room, where our beloved daughter Elizabeth was confined for six years while she slowly died of an incurable illness.
Details Of The NFL Bounty Scandal #~# The NFL’s bounty investigation has triggered one of the biggest scandals in league history, and it’s no simple matter. Onion Sports breaks down the most important points:
Sweating, Shaking Man Never Going To Spend A Little Time With His Thoughts Again #~# LOS ALAMOS, NM—Describing it as a harrowing ordeal that he "wouldn't wish on his worst enemy," badly shaken 39-year-old senior account manager Daniel Tillison told reporters Friday he would never again spend a few minutes alone with his thoughts. "My God, it was just awful—that's the last time I ever take a moment to myself to reflect," a profusely sweating Tillison said before unsteadily pouring a large glass of whiskey and drinking it down in a single gulp. "The worst part is, I actually did this to myself. I actually said, 'I think I'd like a little time alone to think about some things.' Then, for a few brief, horrible moments, I looked deep within myself and saw who I really was. It was honestly the scariest, most nauseating experience of my life." Tillison said that if he ever again found himself alone and without the distractions of music, the Internet, television, or video games, he would repeatedly hit himself in the head with the handiest large blunt object to prevent any sort of return to his own innermost thoughts.
Negative Nancies #~# ABC
College Graduates Making 8% to 11% Less #~# According to the Economic Policy Institute, female college graduates are making 7.6 percent less than they did 10 years ago, while their male counterparts are making 11 percent less. What do you think?
New Father Remembers Time When Baseball Wasn't So Goddamn Meaningful #~# EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—While stressing that he loves his 6-month-old son Jordan "more than life itself" and that fatherhood is "a whole new world opening up to you every day," 36-year-old Greg Henderson admitted Friday that he misses the days when baseball was merely an enjoyable game and not an almost endless collection of meaningful and profoundly significant life lessons.
Floyd Mayweather, Jr. And Manny Pacquiao Urged To Put Aside Differences And Fight #~# LAS VEGAS—Despite pleas from their managers, handlers, and fans, Floyd Mayweather, Jr. and Manny Pacquiao are too consumed with anger toward each other to engage in fighting, sources close to the two boxers confirmed Thursday. "We've done all we can, but the animosity between these two men is too bitter to allow them to trade punches," said Mayweather adviser Leonard Ellerbe, who has repeatedly entreated Pacquiao to "set aside whatever personal animosity he bears Mayweather and do his level best to knock him out," but to little avail. "Unfortunately, their reciprocated feelings of hatred seem to be too great, and to run too deep, to ever subside into physical violence." Both Pacquiao and Mayweather are said to be considering offers to batter much closer friends of theirs into unconsciousness.
North Korean Relations May Be Thawing #~# Last week, North Korea announced it would suspend nuclear weapons tests and uranium enrichment in exchange for food aid, possibly signaling a desire for renewed negotiations with the United States. Here are some other ways relations will improve:
Robot 'Cheetah' Sets Land Speed Record #~# A quadrupedal machine known as the Cheetah set a land-speed record for legged robots, running 18 mph on a treadmill in a U.S. military–funded lab. What do you think?
Entertainment Writer Has Knack For Making Complex Pop Culture Concepts Accessible To Lay Readers #~# LOS ANGELES—Lauded by colleagues and readers alike for his lucid reportage, entertainment writer Paul Veist has an unparalleled knack for taking even the most complicated pop culture concepts and making them accessible for those with little or no technical understanding of celebrity matters, sources said Thursday. "Paul is a master at distilling the essence of convoluted topics such as stars' fashion faux pas and making them comprehensible without using a lot of esoteric, hard-to-follow mumbo jumbo," said People magazine reporter Tia Nadel, adding that Veist's use of engaging metaphor rather than confusing jargon has made his articles appearing on websites such as E! Online and TMZ.com extremely popular. "Even when he's writing about something as daunting and difficult to understand as Kim Kardashian releasing a new fragrance, you never feel as though he's being condescending or otherwise talking down to you." Many of Veist's avid readers said they find his stories a refreshing alternative to the impenetrable language featured in overly academic celebrity journals such as Entertainment Weekly.
Best Part Of Gay 12-Year-Old’s Day Half Hour Spent Eating Lunch Alone On Staircase #~# SAGINAW, MI—According to Franklin Middle School seventh-grader and closeted homosexual Ben McElroy, the highlight of his day is the 30 minutes between third and fourth period when he eats lunch on a staircase by himself.
Up All Night #~# NBC
Chris Kattan Wondering Whether He Should Start A Podcast #~# LOS ANGELES—Citing the freedom of the form, the popularity of shows such as WTF With Marc Maron and The Joe Rogan Experience, and the likelihood that his fans would be excited to hear what he’s been up to lately, former Saturday Night Live cast member Chris Kattan wondered aloud Wednesday whether he should start his own podcast. "I could call up some old friends like Darrell Hammond and Rachel Dratch—I'm sure they'd totally be into coming on as guests," Kattan said of his possible foray into podcasting, which he told reporters he envisioned as "an interview show with some comedy elements." "And I bet people would love to catch up with [Kattan's SNL characters] Mango, Mr. Peepers, and Gay Hitler. You know, if I clear some of the boxes and other stuff out of the basement and grab that card table out of the garage, I could set up a really sweet little home studio down there." Kattan was reportedly spotted later that day pricing low-end mixing boards at a North Hollywood Guitar Center location.
This Article Generating Thousands Of Dollars In Ad Revenue Simply By Mentioning New iPad #~# SAN FRANCISCO—According to industry sources, this news article is generating a veritable bonanza of highly lucrative advertising revenue by mere virtue of the fact that it mentions Apple's new iPad. "Current estimates show that the particular article I am being quoted in at this very moment began to accumulate thousands of dollars in ad-based profits as soon as the words 'new iPad' appeared in the headline," said market analyst Jonathan Bowers, who single-handedly and out of thin air created cold hard cash for a media organization simply by adding that the new Apple iPad will feature a high-definition screen and an improved processor. "Furthermore, any subsequent mention of the new iPad in this article—as well as any mention of the fact that preorders for the device start today—is resulting in increased reader traffic and, thus, increased revenues for your company's ad-based business model." At press time, new iPad, new iPad, new iPad, new iPad, new iPad, new iPad, new iPad, new iPad, new iPad, new iPad.
Court Rules Loughner Can Be Forcibly Medicated #~# A U.S. court of appeals ruled that Jared Loughner, who attempted to kill Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) last year, could continue to be medicated against his will. What do you think?
Squandered Resources #~# "There is no use squandering any more of our valuable time and money on the myth that every child is capable of attaining success and one day changing the world." - President Barack Obama
All Of Nation's Resources Dumped Into 50 Children Who Are Actually The Future #~# WASHINGTON—Stating it is time to rethink how the nation lays a foundation for a better tomorrow, President Barack Obama announced Wednesday that all of the federal government's resources will now be directed exclusively toward the 50 children who actually represent the country's future.
Media Reminds Public Not To Overemphasize Super Tuesday Results Or Draw Any Sort Of Wide-Reaching Conclusions #~# NEW YORK—Stressing that the last thing they would ever want is to be responsible for unduly affecting the course of the nomination process, members of the news media urged the public not to be swayed by their breathless, second-by-second Super Tuesday coverage and to refrain from drawing any sweeping, broad conclusions about the current state of the American political system on the basis of said coverage. “Let’s remember not to place too much importance on anything that happens tonight, or act like any single event could make or break a candidate, signal the overall direction of the Republican Party, or sum up the opinions of voters in general,” CNN’s Wolf Blitzer said as the results trickled in during his nonstop, seven-hour coverage of the voting. “Come to think of it, even the phrase Super Tuesday may be a bit unfair, as it makes the ballots cast on this day seem more important than others, which is frankly a sensationalist way of looking at things considering we still have 28 states, the District of Columbia, and five U.S. territories left to go.” Blitzer later added that presenting extended coverage and analysis of Super Tuesday at all was ultimately unnecessary given that “realistically speaking, Romney pretty much has this thing wrapped up.”
Brooklyn Man Can Still Remember Where He Was When Giants Won Super Bowl XLVI #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Giants fan and Brooklyn resident Charles Somers, 34, can still remember exactly where he was on the early February day when the New York Giants won the NFL championship by defeating the New England Patriots in the 2012 Super Bowl. "I can still recall just what I was doing when the clock wound down—I was in my place, hardly able to believe it, sitting on the edge of a raggedy red chair I used to have," the nostalgic Somers told reporters. "In fact, I still have it. Let me just… Here. I was right about here. That memory will be with me forever." Somers is also "pretty sure" he was over at his friend Dave's place in 2008 when the Giants won Super Bowl XLII, but noted, "That was a long time ago."
Poll: 63% Of Americans Say They Have A Problem With A Mormon President Who Is Also Mitt Romney #~# WASHINGTON—A Gallup poll released Tuesday suggests voters are highly resistant to electing a Mormon who is Mitt Romney as president of the United States. "I'm already hesitant to vote for a Mormon, and I'm especially uncomfortable if that Mormon is Mitt Romney," said Wyoming voter Dale Butler, 63, adding that he needed only the slightest extra excuse not to vote for a Mormon candidate, and that the candidate in question being Mitt Romney “probably sealed the deal." "I don't expect anyone to be perfect, but in the end, I just don't think I can overlook the fact that someone is both a Mormon and Mitt Romney. Personally, that's just too much for me." The same poll revealed that voters were more than willing to overlook the serial philandering of a candidate who was not also Newt Gingrich.
The Plan #~# A leaked document reveals details of the bishop team’s mission. Full Story.
Vatican Dispatches Elite Team Of Bishops To Sabotage Contraceptive Manufacturer #~# VATICAN CITY—Anonymous sources within the Vatican confirmed Tuesday that Pope Benedict XVI has dispatched a crack team of six highly skilled bishops to sabotage the New York headquarters of pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, a leading contraceptive manufacturer.
‘Lorax’ No. 1 #~# The Lorax, the CGI adaptation of the classic Dr. Seuss book, opened No. 1 at the box office this weekend, bringing in more than $70 million. What do you think?
Say Yes To The Dress #~# TLC
Going Out To Dinner With Food-Loving Friend A Huge Ordeal #~# SEATTLE—Going out to dinner with 41-year-old self-described gourmand David Loomis has become a massive, aggravating ordeal, exasperated friends confirmed Monday. "Once we can finally settle on a restaurant that's 'authentic' enough for Dave, he will pretty much exclusively talk about how certain things are prepared or the chef's career up until that point rather than have an actual conversation with the people at the table," said best friend Henry Tan, 39, who has been chastised by Loomis on no fewer than four occasions for mispronouncing the names of ethnic dishes. "Most times, he won't even let you order what you want, and instead you have to get some weird thing that a particular place is 'known for'—not that I've ever seen Dave served anything that he didn't have some huge problem with." Tan added that he thought the traditional Japanese ramen Loomis recently forced him to try after waiting more than two hours for a table at a new restaurant was "pretty good" and not the "bland, pedestrian trainwreck" the intense lover of food described.
Sources: Any Number Of Players Could Be Traded To Nearly Any Combination Of Teams #~# NEW YORK—With the NFL Draft approaching, pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training, and the NBA trade deadline drawing nearer, multiple sources are reporting that a near-limitless number of deals could be struck as soon as this week. "All 32 NFL teams, 30 MLB teams, and 30 NBA teams are in the market for at least something at this point, and in each case, every single other team in the league could theoretically fulfill that need in some manner, leading to every player being a possible player on every team," an unnamed source said Monday, adding that a third team entering the mix of any given trade would more than double the possible trade agreements that could be reached. "And that’s before you even factor in the number of NHL players who could clear waivers and still be swapped after last week’s deadline." As of press time, rampant media speculation had disrupted the chemistry of every single team in professional sports and forced all negotiations to break down.
Sleep Improves With Age #~# A new study from the University of Pennsylvania concluded that sleep improves with age. What do you think?
Voters Slowly Realizing Santorum Believes Every Deranged Word That Comes Out Of His Mouth #~# WASHINGTON—As Rick Santorum has emerged to become Mitt Romney's leading opponent for the Republican presidential nomination, the American electorate said Monday it had slowly begun to realize that the former Pennsylvania senator sincerely believes every deranged word that exits his mouth.
Max Meyer And Abigail Crenshaw #~# Max Meyer and Abigail Crenshaw are proud to announce they will be married in the beautiful church they could only reserve after a year of attending mass and pretending to be Catholic.
Danica Patrick #~# She's one of sports' single-name stars, but even after her first Daytona 500 start, Danica is more well-known for her endorsements than her performance. Is she any good?
NHL's New 'Blue Zone' Channel Only Shows Games When The Puck Is Within 3 Feet Of One Of The Blue Lines #~# NEW YORK—Boasting that fans will now be able to see "every crossing of neutral ice and many of the faceoffs from every game," the National Hockey League introduced its new "Blue Zone" subscription-only programming channel Saturday. "See the beginning faceoff of each game and all the change-of-possession action between the intensity-packed blue lines," a press release from the league read in part. "Everything from every matchup except the scoring, the saves, the struggle for the puck in the corners, and the majority of the checking—only on the Blue Zone." A spokesperson for the league said the NHL had not considered a broadcast format that included all the on-ice action, as whenever that "gimmick" had been tried in the past, "no one was interested."
Breakouts And Busts Of NFL Combine #~# The annual combine can be a make-or-break event for potential NFL draft picks, and 2012 saw its share of standouts and washouts.
Players Drink Soda, Wear Sneakers, Drive Trucks On Grueling Day One Of NFL Endorsement Combine #~# INDIANAPOLIS—The first day of the NFL's endorsement combine ended Friday with draftees performing for marketing scouts in workouts that included shoe-posing, pizza-enjoying, and automotive co-masculinity. "Unfortunately, under the current rules, college athletes aren't allowed to perform endorsements, so this is really our first chance to see them pretending to use and like these products," said Gatorade scout Grant Bonner, carefully studying running back prospect Trent Richardson as he poured a beverage on his face. "We need to see if these guys have what it takes to be able to support a brand for years to come or are just flash-in-the-pan draft busts who can't even fake a conversation with an animated gecko." Bonner added that Gatorade will probably still sign Andrew Luck despite the highly touted rookie pitchman repeatedly calling the company's product a "flavory drink."
Monkees’ Davy Jones Dies #~# Davy Jones, the British-born lead singer of the TV band the Monkees, died of a heart attack Wednesday. What do you think?
Washed-Up Air Bud Signs With Greek Pro Team #~# RHODES, GREECE—Ignoring critics’ calls for the aging golden retriever's retirement, basketball standout and multisport athlete Air "Bud" Buddy has signed a one-year contract for an undisclosed amount with Kolossos Rodou B.C., a mid-level club in the Greek Basket League.
Kids Of Milwaukee Forced To Look Up To Ryan Braun On Technicality #~# MILWAUKEE—Despite ample evidence pointing to elevated levels of testosterone in Ryan Braun's urine, the mishandling of the Brewers slugger's sample means the region's young baseball players will once again have to look up to him, arbitrator Shyam Das ordered Thursday. "If you are a Wisconsin youngster and Ryan Braun has been your favorite player, you are still required to want to be just like him when you grow up," said Das, ordering area 12-year-olds and Little Leaguers to reattach previously discarded Ryan Braun posters to all affected bedroom doors. "Major League Baseball officially believes Ryan Braun when he says if you work really hard and don't corners, you'll be successful like him, and you are now required to resume believing that, too." Following the decision, Brewers Kids Club members had petitioned Das to allow them to start looking up to outfielder Corey Hart instead, but the arbitrator ruled that since the departure of free agent Prince Fielder, Braun is the only logical player for them to idolize.
John Scarpello And A Metaphor #~# Despite his director's wishes, screenwriter John Scarpello, 31, was married this morning to the use of his main character's car as a metaphor for life.
Crippled Cruise Ship Docking Today #~# A crippled cruise ship owned by the Carnival Corporation was towed to the Seychelles after a fire broke out in the engine room and knocked out power, resulting in the second major accident for the company in the past six weeks. What do you think?
Who Do You Think You Are? #~# NBC
Poll: Support For Afghanistan War Up Among Americans Who Love Horrible Situations #~# WASHINGTON—According to the results of a Gallup poll conducted last month, support for the U.S. occupation of Afghanistan has surged among Americans who absolutely adore horrible situations. "Overall, there was a 95 percent approval rating among citizens who hope to deal with their child being kidnapped some day," Gallup representative Wendy Timmins said Wednesday, adding that the conflict was particularly popular among individuals looking forward to undergoing chemotherapy treatments for pancreatic cancer. "We also found a massive overlap between those who support the war and those who said they enjoyed having their homes foreclosed on, carbon-monoxide poisoning enthusiasts, and people open to the idea of having needles shoved into their own eyes." In sharp contrast to these findings, Gallup released another poll showing that talk of troop withdrawal had led to a sharp decline of support for the White House's Afghanistan policy among people who enjoy intractable conundrums.
Errant Keystroke Produces Character Never Before Seen By Human Eyes #~# SAN MATEO, CA—Following an accidental keystroke combination Monday, local woman Kate Garret’s computer displayed a strange, never-before-seen typographical character that experts have since confirmed does not belong to the written language of any human culture, past or present. "I was holding down the Alt button and brushed something up near the Tab or Tilde key, and then this weird thing just popped up out of nowhere," said Garret, who described the symbol as looking something like a combination of Arabic script, a mathematical sign, and the letter "F." "I tried over and over again to replicate the keystrokes, but the character never reappeared. I immediately copied and pasted it into a separate document and hit save, worried no one would ever believe me otherwise." Archaeologists brought in to study the unusual marking said that while its bears no resemblance to the iconography of any known civilization anywhere on earth, it is, in all likelihood, "probably just another goddamn fertility symbol."
Jimmie Johnson Disqualified After Pre-Race Inspection Reveals Car To Be Airplane #~# RICHMOND, VA—Following a pre-race inspection, NASCAR officials announced Friday that the car to be used by Jimmie Johnson's Hendrick Motorsports team at Richmond has been disqualified from Saturday's race because the Lowe's Chevrolet was found to be a Gulfstream G550 jet. "The No. 48 car's nose was narrower than our templates, so I can see why they thought they might get this past us, but it came in 44,800 pounds overweight, had giant wings, and wasn’t even powered by internal combustion," said Sprint Cup Series official John Darby, who acknowledged that Johnson's vehicle had been equipped with a pushrod V-8, but scrutineers discovered the engine was just sitting in the aisle and not connected to any sort of drivetrain. "We have these rules to keep the competition fair and, more to the point, to keep the drivers safe, and no roll cage, window netting, or harnesses had been put in. We wouldn't even let anyone near this thing… Nothing was done to help anyone survive a crash." NASCAR said it will investigate further before deciding on penalties, but a closer look at footage showed Johnson's car has been flying through the air most of his career.
Salt Content In Fast Food Depends On Country #~# A recently published study of fast food in several countries found that the amount of salt in menu items varied country to country. What do you think?
NASA Announces Plans To Put Man On Bus To Cleveland #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Hailing the dawn of a new era in long-distance highway travel, NASA officials unveiled Monday the agency’s ambitious plans to put a man on a bus to Cleveland, OH by early 2013.
Phil Jackson Enjoying Retirement On Montana Ranch With Egomaniacal Livestock Who Hate Each Other #~# LAKESIDE, MT—In a rare interview from his Montana ranch that aired Saturday on SportsCenter, former Lakers coach Phil Jackson said he has found his retirement dealing with the egos of his star cattle who all hate each other relaxing. "It's nice to just be out here enjoying the quiet of nature, meditating on the leisurely pace of pastoral life, and juggling the personalities of a few talented animals who would rather spend all day squabbling about who's ranch this is than just go out and do what they're supposed to be here to do," said Jackson, repairing his trademark triangle fence after a steer decided it was holding him back. "There's nothing I would rather be doing in my halcyon days than placating selfish beings who want all the grass for themselves." Later, Jackson showed the cameras a cow he explained wanted to be sold to another ranch, and then suddenly killed and butchered it and ate one of its steaks raw.
Pilots #~# ABC
Report: A-Rod Probably Thinking About Betting On Baseball #~# NEW YORK—After carefully analyzing the progression of contemptible things the Yankees third baseman has done in his career, a report released Friday by the University of Missouri's sports psychology department concluded Alex Rodriguez is most likely thinking about betting on baseball right now. "A-Rod hasn't done anything dickish in quite some time, so he has to be contemplating something truly despicable," said lead researcher Dr. James Lisanti, adding that Rodriguez is not likely to actually make a bet until New York is in a crucial playoff series. "At this point in time, we don't think he's heard of Pete Rose, but once he has, we expect him to attend one of Rose's charity events so he can ask him how he got caught." The report also suggested revelations of A-Rod's betting will not surface until after he has already been arrested for vomiting into a reflecting pool at the World Trade Center memorial, gotten a 16-year-old Disney Channel pop star pregnant, and been banned from baseball for testing positive for steroids a third time.
Starbucks Removes Beetle-Based Coloring #~# Starbucks said it would stop using cochineal beetles to color its strawberry Frappuccinos and switch to a tomato-based food coloring. What do  you think?
No One Can Remember Seeing Houston Astros For At Least A Week #~# HOUSTON—The Houston Astros, described by police as a 50-year-old franchise last seen wearing a white pinstriped uniform with its name on the front and known locally for performing baseball in front of downtown crowds for money, has been missing since at least last week, when it was reportedly expected to meet a franchise it knew in Milwaukee. "We were initially contacted Saturday by the owner, who had gone to check in on the Astros two days previously and found the team wasn't home," said city police chief Charles McClelland, adding that the Astros lived alone in Minute Maid Park, a public housing facility owned by the county. "People who were aware of the franchise say they didn't remember it really having any friends or loved ones, so that's partly why it's been difficult to pin down exactly when it went missing. The last time anyone can remember the Astros doing anything was in 2005, actually." McClelland also said the franchise may have been distraught after suffering heavy losses as of late and filing for bankruptcy, so police are treating the case as a possible suicide.
Cash Cab #~# Discovery
Ron Paul Video Game In Development #~# Ron Paul supporter Daniel Williams has launched a Kickstarter campaign to fund a video game called Ron Paul: Road to REVOLution. What do you think?
Group Of '90s Footnotes Welcomes Gingrich Home #~# NEW YORK—Saying they held no grudge against him and were just glad he was back where he belongs, a group of cultural footnotes from the 1990s announced today that they were happy to welcome home former Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich. "We told him there wasn't a place for him in 2012, but Newt's always been a bit stubborn," said Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale, who spoke to reporters at a festive gathering that also featured Whitewater prosecutor Kenneth Starr, television personality Arsenio Hall, the bumblebee girl from the video for the Blind Melon song "No Rain," and former NBA forward Dennis Rodman. "All that matters now is that he's home safe, tucked away with the rest of us in a sidebar of late-20th-century Americana. As long as he promises never to leave again, all is forgiven." At press time, Gingrich was seen tearfully embracing participants in the Million Man March.
Latest Blake Griffin Dunk More Annoying Than Anything #~# LOS ANGELES—Players and fans alike are saying that Blake Griffin's latest dunk, while a solid, unstoppable one-handed jam, was actually more irritating than it was breathtaking or impressive. "Just the way he palmed the ball was, like, ‘Oh, I'm going to jump up with this and place it through the hoop now, ooh, look at me,’" said Lakers center Andrew Bynum, adding that the dunk was "probably going to come back to bug [him] all week at odd moments" until the playoffs started. "And the way he jumped? Tell me that wasn't the most aggravating jump you've seen since Reggie Miller was playing." Despite the generally acknowledged off-putting nature of Griffin's dunk, onlookers agreed Kobe Bryant was still the most annoying thing about the game.
Joakim Noah Gets Some Ugly But Gutsy Yard Work Done Over The Weekend #~# CHICAGO—Though his neighbors said it wasn't a pretty sight, Bulls journeyman Joakim Noah reportedly put forward maximum effort while trimming hedges, fertilizing his lawn, and mulching during a workmanlike, 86-minute performance in his yard Monday. "He isn't afraid to grind it out, I'll give him that," said Edward Stanton, 46, a stockbroker who watched Noah whitewash the fence that marks the border between their lawns and confirmed he was impressed by the center's tenacity with the paint. "Not the most elegant approach I've ever seen, using his elbows like that, but he does get the job done." Meanwhile, across town, onlookers at Derrick Rose's backyard barbecue marveled as the point guard dished out 12 straight buckets of chicken.
Wind Farms Leave Most Birds Unaffected #~# A study published in the Journal Of Applied Ecology of 10 bird species on the site of a newly constructed wind farm showed that most populations were unaffected by the operating turbines. What do you think?
Study: Red Meat Takes Years Off Of Cow's Life #~# WASHINGTON—Confirming years of speculation, a new study from the U.S. Department of Agriculture's National Animal Health Monitoring System has found that red meat significantly increases the risk of premature death in cows. "Our research suggests that by having red meat, a cow's life can be shortened by as many as 10 years, sometimes more," Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack said in an interview with CNN Tuesday. "Unfortunately, in some cases, even just a single daily serving of red meat can hurt a cow's chances of surviving past the earliest stage of life." On a more positive note, researchers found that other high-protein foods like milk, cheese, and butter only decrease a cow's life by 7 to 9 years.
Storage Wars #~# A&E
George H.W. Bush Hasn't Seen Anyone From His Secret Service Detail In Years #~# HOUSTON—President George H.W. Bush realized Tuesday it had been several years since he had seen any members of the Secret Service detail that was assigned to protect him for the rest of his life. "I remember Barbara and I were eating at a diner when [Secret Service agent] Carl [Palmer] came up to the table and told me he had to duck out for a second, but I should call if anything came up," said the visibly saddened 41st president, adding that he could recall a "bright" and "lively" time when he was shuttled from location to location and there were Secret Service agents around him constantly. "Well, I haven't seen Carl since. I guess you eventually just get to an age where no one sees you as a target anymore." Later that evening, President Bush died quietly in his sleep.
Busy Mel Kiper, Jr. Still Finds Time To Throw Around The Old Spreadsheet With His Daughter #~# TOWSON, MD—Despite the daily stresses of analyzing the upcoming NFL Draft, Mel Kiper, Jr. still finds time to toss the old spreadsheet around with his teenage daughter, the ESPN analyst said Friday. "It's easy for a busy parent to get caught up with work and miss what's really important," said Kiper, who fondly recalls throwing around accounting worksheets as a child with his own father. "She may say it's 'lame' that I still ask her to pull an old, broken-in printout of football statistics out of the garage and join me in the backyard for a game of catch, but deep down, she knows she'll remember the feel of the fading ink rubbing on her hands and the bond we formed here forever." Kiper then adjusted his hair and tie and returned to the dank, unadorned condominium filled with computer terminals and stacks of scouting reports where he lives alone.
Well, Well, Well, Look Who’s Come Crawling To His Uncle To Hear His Fleetwood Mac Concert Stories #~# Ah, my dear nephew, I thought those were your steps I heard. Allow me to pause this  Mirage concert bootleg; may I ask to what I owe this unexpected visit? Surely you haven’t come to my basement hideaway to spend the evening hours with your doddering old uncle, who, as you have made abundantly clear so many times before, has nothing at all to teach you—
Man Just Wants To Come Home, Hear Lindsay Lohan Made Fun Of, Get Some Sleep #~# BELLEVUE, NE—Having just put in another double shift at work, 41-year-old utility worker Charlie Bellows reported Tuesday that he would like nothing more than to return home, sit on his couch, listen to utterly predictable jokes about troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan, and get a full night's rest. "All day long, I look forward to kicking back and hearing a series of lame cheap shots at Lindsay Lohan's expense before I head to bed," said Bellows, who claimed that with the stresses of his job he needed time at the end of every day to just unwind and listen to a hack comedian rip into the emotionally damaged young woman. "I don't think that's too much to ask." Bellows also claimed that after a good night's sleep, nothing prepares him for another hard day of work like a large cup of coffee and a loud radio personality's stale, shallow jabs at politicians.
So, You Wanna Dance? #~# Fox
University Shuts Down Marijuana Rally #~# In order to deter an annual marijuana legalization rally, officials at the University of Colorado–Boulder closed the campus to visitors and applied an odorous fish-based fertilizer to the lawn. What do you think?
Arizona Toughens Immigration Laws In Attempt To Rid State Of Phoenix Coyotes #~# PHOENIX—Arizona governor Jan Brewer signed legislation Thursday designed to finally expel the Phoenix Coyotes and other immigrants blamed for playing hockey in the state. "For too long, Arizona has been plagued by savage Canadian and European men seeping through our borders to engage in these lewd and violent activities," said Brewer, adding that police have found evidence of a facility in the Phoenix suburbs where such immigrants maintain a large sheet of ice. "It's time we send a message to these people that hockey is not welcome here. This crucial legislation empowers law enforcement to arrest the Coyotes and any other groups of Czechs found congregating on frozen water so they can be removed from our state as soon as possible." Arizona police have already made their first arrest under the law, apprehending Coyotes captain Shane Doan Thursday night for driving while under the influence of the metric system.
Golf Pretty Sure All Those Young Black Kids Inspired By Tiger Woods Should Have Arrived By Now #~# PALM BEACH GARDENS, FL—The huge upsurge in golfing among black youth that Tiger Woods' success most likely initiated in the mid-1990s probably should have inspired thousands of young African-Americans, all of whom really ought to have turned up by now, professional golf officials announced Friday.
Shit, Friend Just Said Something To Obnoxious Drunk Guy On Bus #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—Fuck, according to sources, there's this guy on the bus who is belligerent and obviously drunk and your friend just decided to play the hero and go say something to him. Reports confirm that since the drunk guy is reacting with a mixture of incoherence and what appears to be hostility, your friend would no doubt appreciate some support, and with no one else on the bus making eye contact, it looks like it's up to you. Sources feel things may be settling down, as the drunk guy, who initially stood up and asked what the fuck your friend's problem is, has now sat back in his seat. At press time, the man has reportedly stopped singing and is seated calmly, staring straight ahead, but oh shit, he's looking over here and getting up again.
Norwegian Mass-Murderer Would Prefer Execution #~# Anders Behring Breivik, whose racially motivated killing spree left 77 dead in Norway, told an Oslo court he would prefer execution to the “pathetic” 21-year maximum prison term. What do you think?
Wal-Mart Executives Kind Of Weirded Out By Town Not Putting Up Any Resistance To Store Opening #~# LITTLETON, MA—Staring over a month-old press release announcing the opening of a new Supercenter, senior executives at Wal-Mart said they were a little freaked out that the people of Littleton, MA appear to have made no effort to stop them. "No emotionally charged town hall meetings, no petitions to save local businesses, no calls to state representatives, nothing," chief operating officer Gisel Ruiz said as she reread the company statement explaining that the first phase of construction would entail demolishing several buildings of historical significance to the town. "It's been so quiet, it's making me nervous. What if they're up to something? Even if they're not, maybe this isn't a good location for us after all. If there's no public outrage, something must be wrong." At press time, executives had stated that as long as nobody cared, they would go ahead and start phasing out employee health care benefits completely.
Dick Clark Dead #~# Former American Bandstand host and television producer Dick Clark died yesterday at 82. What do you think?
Charlotte Bobcats Still Practicing For Some Reason #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite being only a week away from the end of a season in which they have lost more than 50 games, the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats are, for reasons unknown at this time, still meeting regularly to practice. "As far as I can tell, they were eliminated from the playoffs some time in February," Bobcats practice facility security guard Fran Kirkland said Thursday, noting that the team has already secured the league's worst record of the season. "But they still show up here with all their equipment like it's business as usual, pass the ball around, run shooting drills, even break a sweat—I swear to God." Sources close to the Bobcats were unable to confirm if there is some sort of league rule that requires teams to practice or if Charlotte is simply preparing to play some other sport that uses practice drills similar to those employed in basketball.
Area Man Proud He Can Still Fit Into Car From High School #~# NAPA, CA—Wiggling from side to side as he forcibly wedged his torso into the driver's seat of a 1992 Ford Festiva, local man Michael Kerson told reporters Friday he couldn't help but take a little pride in the fact that he could still fit into his car from high school. "I had a hard time getting the belt fastened at first, but once I reclined the seat, tucked my gut under the steering wheel, and got the strap pulled up higher on my chest, I managed to do it," Kerson said as he shifted his weight to better fit the interior contours of the 5-foot-wide, 2,000-pound vehicle, adding that being able to get into the car in one try was more than he could say for most of his friends. "I have to suck in my stomach, but there's still room. Just barely, though. I may have my mechanic let the doors out a little." At press time, sources reported that as soon as Kerson turned the key in the ignition, his seat belt snapped in half and the trunk popped open.
The Sinking Of The Titanic: 100 Years Later #~# Last week marked the centennial of the historic sinking of the Titanic on its maiden voyage from Southampton, England, to New York. Here's how the anniversary was commemorated:
GSA Under Fire #~# The General Services Administration, a relatively obscure federal government office, is under congressional scrutiny for spending more than $800,000 at a Las Vegas conference in 2010. What do you think?
Depressed Ralph Lauren Releases New Wrinkled Dress Shirt With Marinara Stain On It #~# NEW YORK—In a bold move that has become the talk of the fashion world, morbidly depressed designer Ralph Lauren has unveiled a wrinkled dress shirt stained with marinara sauce, part of a new ready-to-wear fall line reflecting the clothing legend's deep and seemingly inescapable despondency.
Break Room Masters #~# Food
Warren Buffett Being Treated For Cancer #~# Billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced he was being treated for prostate cancer, stirring speculation over who his successor at Berkshire Hathaway would be. What do you think?
Retail Sales Rise #~# Retail sales in the United States rose 0.8 percent in March, thanks in part to warmer weather and an improved economy. What do you think?
Obama Launches More Realistic 'I Have Big Ideas But We'll See How It Goes' Campaign Slogan #~# CHICAGO—After coming to terms with the limited scope of what he can realistically expect to accomplish as president, Barack Obama announced Wednesday a new, more practical campaign slogan that will serve as the cornerstone for his 2012 reelection bid: "I Have Big Ideas But We'll See How It Goes."
Bring Your Laptop To The Corn Palace! #~# Mitchell, SD’s premiere tourist spot is now Wi-Fi enabled! So stop in to check your e-mail, get directions to Mount Rushmore, or see where the best fireworks stand on the way to Wall Drug is.
Space Shuttle Discovery Moves To D.C. #~# On its final flight, the Space Shuttle Discovery left Florida for Washington, where it will be part of the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. What do you think?
Joe Maddon Working On Creating Cool New Infield Position #~# ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Saying he finds the defensive positioning that has been standard in baseball for well over 100 years "staid" and "primitive," Rays manager Joe Maddon revealed Monday he is deep in the process of creating an exciting new infield position for his team. "It's going to be called 'thwartstop,'" said Maddon, who has been working on the position off and on since abandoning efforts to reimagine the left fielder role in the late 1990s. "I haven't worked out all the kinks, but basically you use one less outfielder, and the thwartstop plays in a different part of the infield for each batter, standing in the exact spot spray charts show the batter is most likely to hit the ball." He later showed reporters a special prototype thwartstop glove he has been sewing and divulged that he offered Evan Longoria $500 to star in a instructional video series about the new position that Maddon is self-producing.
FDA Urges Farmers To Eliminate Antibiotic Use #~# Fearing the spread of drug-resistant bacteria, the Food and Drug Administration has asked pharmaceutical companies to stop dispensing antibiotics to livestock without a prescription. What do you think?
Human Civilization Brings Out Worst In Area Man #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Sources close to local resident Justin Krypel admitted to reporters this week that while the 34-year-old account executive was "basically a good guy at heart," human civilization has a tendency to bring out the worst in him.
Celebrity Dreams #~# E!
20% Of U.S. Adults Don't Use Internet #~# A Pew research report reveals that one in five adults in the United States don't use the Internet. What do you think?
Dwight Howard Tells Reporters He's Very Unhappy In Milky Way Galaxy #~# ORLANDO, FL—Following another tough loss for the Magic Tuesday, Dwight Howard informed reporters he is very unhappy playing in the Milky Way, the galaxy where he has spent his entire life and career, and is looking to be moved as soon as possible. "This is just not a winning environment," said Howard, who has in the past also criticized his team's court, arena, neighborhood, city, county, state, country, continent, hemisphere, planet, planetary system, interstellar cloud, star belt, and spiral arm. "I'm tired of dealing with the underperforming dwarf stars and the distractions the ionized gas clouds and stellar winds cause around here. I just don't see this place changing much in the next billion years or so. I want to play in a more supportive galactic structure with a winning tradition where I can breathe argon if I want to."Sources said about 10 billion galaxies have expressed interest in Howard, but he is unlikely to go to his first choice, Messier 108, which has remained cautious since being burned 10 years ago with its acquisition of Mookie Blaylock.
Court: Employers Don't Have To Enforce Lunch Break #~# The California Supreme Court ruled that employers were under no obligation to ensure workers take their legally mandated lunch breaks. What do you think?
Trusted Sistine Chapel Janitor Convicted Of Sexually Abusing Last 4 Popes #~# VATICAN CITY—Bringing to a close a scandal that has rocked the Roman Catholic Church and upset millions of its followers, trusted Sistine Chapel janitor Giuseppe Falduto, 78, was convicted Thursday of sexually abusing four popes between 1965 and 2011.
April 20 #~# Army recruiter Sgt. William Thompson will address students at Madison High School next Friday. To save time at the Q&A session: Sgt. Thompson has killed three people.
Every Team, Fan Base, Front Office Panicking #~# With the regular season either finally underway or almost over, the playoffs beginning, and preparations for the draft about to wrap up, every individual associated with a professional North American sports team in any way entered a deep state of panic this week. "We really have to shore up our defense and get more physical or we are just going to be meat to every other team in our division," star Chicago Bulls guard Derrick Rose, longtime Green Bay Packers fan Brian Walters, and embattled Toronto Maple Leafs general manager Brian Burke said Friday. "Right now, the [team] [is] just on the brink of disaster." Meanwhile, every head coach in sports was given an unsolicited vote of confidence by team ownership, a declaration traditionally seen by the sports media as a bad sign.
Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Philadelphia Flyers #~# The Stanley Cup playoffs are here and the matchups are intriguing, particularly the feisty, fight-ridden intrastate battle between the Penguins and the Flyers.
Newark Mayor Rescues Neighbor From Fire #~# Newark, NJ mayor Cory Booker was treated for smoke inhalation and second-degree burns after rescuing his elderly neighbor from a burning house. What do you think?
Global Dementia To Triple By 2050 #~# As quality of life improves around the world, the rate of dementia is on track to triple within the next 40 years, creating a financial burden on those caring for aging family members. What do you think?
Healthy, Nutritious Food Would Have Saved The Titanic #~# One hundred years ago this Sunday, the legendary Titanic went down in the icy waters of the North Atlantic, tragically claiming the lives of more than 1,500 passengers and crew members. And as the world pauses this week to remember the historic disaster, it's important to reflect on how easily this catastrophe could have been avoided with a healthy, nutritious diet rich in fresh fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.
Toronto Raptors Think Of Really Good Comeback 10 Minutes After Losing Game #~# TORONTO—Despite losing their home matchup against Philadelphia 75-93 Wednesday, the Toronto Raptors told reporters later they had an easy path to a victory, but their "really good" idea for a comeback only came to them 10 minutes after the final buzzer. "We're kicking ourselves now, because it's so simple when you think about it," said Raptors center Aaron Gray, who, along with his teammates, came to the sudden realization when standing in the locker room showers. "Man, I could have just jumped up and stole the ball when Jrue Holiday made that pass to Elton Brand with 6:54 on the clock and dished it ahead to Andrea [Bargnani] for an easy dunk. Then one of us could have stolen the inbounds, no-looked it to Jerryd [Bayless] in the corner for an open three, forced them to take a contested jumper on the next possession at the buzzer for an air ball, taken it down and set up DeMar [DeRozan] for a backdoor cut off my screen, and boom, we're going into timeout with a one-possession game. I guess it's easy when you think about it now." Despite the incredibly lucid realization, the Raptors admitted they had "absolutely no idea"how the team has won any of its 20 victories this season.
April 17 #~# Sandalwood Circle residents are advised that the Baumgartners will be having pretty loud sex this Tuesday shortly after 9 p.m.
Yankees Blame Slow Start On It Being A 162-Game Season So Calm The Fuck Down #~# NEW YORK—After losing their first three games and needing extra innings to beat the lowly Baltimore Orioles, the 3-3 New York Yankees addressed the fears of their fans Thursday by saying they were still slated to play more than 150 games this season and everyone should really take a deep breath and relax. "Okay, Mariano Rivera isn't as young as he used to be, and our bats started out slow, but you know, it's freaking April," Yankees manager Joe Girardi said. "At this point I think we'll be in good shape when the Red Sox come to town on Oct. 1, thank you very much." In related news, the front office of the 4-2 Mets, who opened the season with three straight victories, cautioned fans that the team may not win another game in 2012.
Zimmerman Charged With Second-Degree Murder #~# Six and a half weeks after the incident, George Zimmerman was arrested and charged with second-degree murder in the shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. What do you think?
U.S. Warns North Korea Not To Test Missile #~# The White House warned North Korea that if it went ahead with a planned long-range missile test, the United States would withhold food aid from the nation. What do you think?
Glass Ceiling Business #~# "All the feminist movement needed to do was bring on someone who had the balls to do something about this glass ceiling business." - Peter "Buck" McGowan, chief of the worldwide initiative for women's rights
Dennis the Menace: The Later Years #~# AMC
Santorum Bows Out #~# In the face of a family health crisis and growing resistance from Republican Party leaders, Rick Santorum suspended his presidential campaign. What do you think?
Christie 2016 Comes From Nowhere To Win Republican Nomination #~# WASHINGTON—Though most observers believed Mitt Romney had the 2012 Republican presidential nomination wrapped up, the 2016 campaign of New Jersey governor Chris Christie came out of nowhere Wednesday to convince delegates that the future candidate deserved the nomination, and that he should be the leading Republican on the ticket this fall. "If we're going to beat Obama in November, we're going to need a candidate who is charismatic and has had years to distance himself from the disastrous 2012 crop of potential nominees like Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and a still-very-green Chris Christie," Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus told reporters, adding that the Christie 2016 campaign had already raised hundreds of millions of dollars in donations from David Koch and investment banker Charles Schwab. "With Christie selecting Paul Ryan—who has had four years to come back to the center on economic issues—as his running mate, the Republican ticket is exceptionally strong. If I were Obama right now, I'd be very worried." At press time, the Christie 2016 campaign was planning an appearance on The Late Show With David Letterman, where the candidate will more than likely discuss his new fit and trim appearance.
Facebook Pays $1 Billion For Instagram #~# In advance of its initial public offering, Facebook has purchased the two-year-old photo-sharing website Instagram. What do you think?
Sony Loses $6.4 Billion #~# After writing down deferred tax credits, the Sony Corporation reported an annual net loss of $6.4 billion, double its initial projections and marking the fourth year in a row the company has lost money. What do you think?
Gingrich Urges Romney To Drop Out So He Can Focus On General Election #~# RALEIGH, NC—Following Rick Santorum's announcement Tuesday that he would end his bid for the Republican presidential nomination, candidate Newt Gingrich called upon frontrunner Mitt Romney to drop out of the race so the former House speaker could concentrate on the general election. "While I respect my challenger's right to fight through to the bitter end, the time has now come to unite behind one man so we can take back the White House in November," said Gingrich, addressing a crowd of 35 supporters at the Raleigh County Public Library. "My opponent should be congratulated on running a fine campaign. But I need him to swallow his pride, come back to reality, and tell all Republicans to throw their support behind Newt Gingrich as the next president of the United States." Gingrich noted that Romney's withdrawal would bolster Gingrich's fundraising efforts as he seeks to eliminate some of the $4.5 million in debt he has amassed thus far in his victorious campaign.
April 15 #~# The Belleville Library would like to announce that the guy with the red backpack who's been hanging around the periodicals section will not be there on Monday of next week because he has a job interview.
10-Year-Old Girl Gives Birth #~# A 10-year-old girl in Colombia gave birth to a healthy 5-pound boy, making her one of the youngest mothers on record. What do you think?
NFL: Overtime Games To Be Decided By First Team To Do Something Really Fucking Awesome #~# NEW YORK—The NFL announced Monday that its owners have voted to change the league's regular-season overtime rules, which now stipulate that games will be decided by whichever team is the first to make a really fucking awesome play. "The NFL is defined by the plays that are quite freaking exceptional, and our overtime rules should reflect that," said Commissioner Roger Goodell, going on to praise the sick-as-hell plays that decided games this January under new postseason overtime rules. "If teams aren't willing to run a double reverse and complete a wild pass 50 yards down the field, or pitch the ball three times and break a bunch of tackles as part of a dazzling quarterback option, they're not going to win the game." According to the new rules, kicking a field goal is a "total wuss move" that will not result in a win "unless it ricochets off a guy's helmet before it goes in or something like that."
Maternal Obesity May Be Autism Factor #~# A study of 1,000 children in California found that mothers who suffered from obesity, diabetes, or hypertension had a greater chance of giving birth to an autistic child, with those who were obese during their pregnancy being 67 percent more likely to have a child with autism. What do you think?
Three Dead Kids #~# "For years, countless children played with the Aqua Assault RoboFighter without incident. But then these three retards come along and somehow find a way to get themselves killed." - Wizco president Alvin Cassidy
Pope Denounces Celibacy-Protesting Priests #~# Pope Benedict XVI spoke out against a group of priests that has called for ordaining women and ending celibacy for the clergy. What do you think?
NCAA Investigators Bust Into John Calipari's Office To Find He's Already Skipped Town #~# LEXINGTON, KY—As part of an investigation into possible rules violations, NCAA officials visited Kentucky's basketball facility following its championship win this week, but found no trace of notorious head coach John Calipari, whose messy office appeared to have been hastily and recently abandoned. "Slipped through our fingers again," said lead investigator Michael Huber, who found clipboards scattered on the floor and open file cabinet drawers that appeared to have been hurriedly emptied. "By now, this guy's probably a thousand miles away, running his scheme on yet another team. We can vacate what he did here, but we'll probably never catch him in the act." The only person inside the building, a janitor cleaning the halls, told investigators he had never heard of Calipari and seemed to believe the facility was used by the University of Kentucky's art history department.
Coast Guard Sinks Vacant Ship #~# The U.S. Coast Guard used cannon fire to sink the 164-foot Ryou-Un Maru, a Japanese "ghost ship" set adrift by the tsunami last year. What do you think?
Top NHL Playoff Contenders #~# Hockey's second season, the Stanley Cup playoffs, is upon us, and Onion Sports breaks down the top contenders.
Awesome T-Shirt Cannon Party Interrupted By Nashville Predators Game #~# NASHVILLE, TN—A rousing T-shirt cannon party at Nashville’s Bridgestone Arena was repeatedly marred by men coming out to play hockey Thursday, despite jeers and pleading from the crowd. "Everyone was excited to see free shirts fired into the stands by a 6-foot blue cat-man wielding a cannon, but they didn’t do that for more than a couple minutes at a time," said T-shirt fan Darren Chapman, adding that crowd members were turned away by security when they tried to follow the T-shirt squad into a tunnel. "If you have T-shirt cannons at a three-hour event, there should be three hours of T-shirt cannons. If I didn’t know better, I’d say they had been planning on playing that hockey in here all along." The arena’s public address announcer later declared there would be exciting "playoff" T-shirt cannon parties in the next few weeks, but sources said hockey-playing men are expected to ruin those too.
Yahoo! Lays Off 14% Of Workforce #~# Internet giant Yahoo! announced it would lay off 2,000 workers in order to save $375 million annually. What do you think?
Ryan Leaf Somehow Worse At Crime Than Football #~# HELENA, MT—Criminal and football analysts announced Monday that, in light of his second arrest for felony burglary in just four days, former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf is now officially performing even worse as a criminal than he did as a disastrous No. 2 draft pick for the San Diego Chargers. "Make no mistake, Ryan Leaf is still the worst draft bust of all time," Sports Illustrated's Peter King said. "But two arrests mere days apart for attempting to steal oxycodone from private residences when he’s already serving a 10-year probation? That is a truly remarkable achievement. Leaf is soon going to make us forget all about his football career." In related news, future NFL Hall of Famer and Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning, the only player chosen ahead of Leaf in the 1998 draft, walked off with $250 million in a complex Monaco heist so perfect it will take casino owners weeks to realize it happened at all.
Cambodian Antiquity To Be Seized #~# FBI agents moved to impound a statue from the auction house Sotheby's after Cambodian officials claimed it was looted from an ancient Khmer temple. What do you think?
Phil Grayson #~# Phil Grayson celebrated 15 years of manning the old glory hole in the South Royalton Rest Area men’s room.
Sweeping New Labor Reforms Allow Foxconn Employees To Work In Inhumane Conditions From Home #~# BEIJING—Following an independent audit that uncovered major labor violations in Chinese factories responsible for producing iPhones, iPads, and numerous other Apple products, electronics manufacturer Foxconn agreed Thursday to sweeping new reforms that will allow laborers to work in dangerous and inhumane conditions from the comfort of their own homes. "We have enacted several new policies that make it possible for employees to put in grueling, poorly compensated 100-hour workweeks from their place of residence, whether that's an inadequately ventilated hut they share with their extended family in a rural village or an overcrowded, toxin-ridden dormitory right here on the Foxconn campus," company chairman Terry Gou said in a statement to the press. "Our new labor-friendly policies provide remote access to the factory's hazardous chemicals and combustible electrical equipment, as well as to the brutal stress levels that drive employees to suicide." Gou added that new maternity-leave packages would allow women to continue assembling MacBook Pros from a hospital bed while giving birth.
Conservatives Believe In Science Less #~# A new study published in the American Sociological Review found today’s conservatives have less trust in science than the conservatives of the mid-1970s. What do you think?
Obama Signs Bill Banning Congressional Insider Trading #~# Following a prayer breakfast this morning, President Obama signed into law a bill prohibiting members of Congress and other federal employees from insider trading. What do you think?
Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of Ointment #~# WASHINGTON—In the event the Supreme Court strikes down the president's health care law, the Obama administration has prepared a contingency plan under which all 313 million Americans would share a single large jar of ointment, sources confirmed Tuesday. "We are committed to protecting the health of the American people, and while it's not a perfect solution, allowing citizens to scoop up fistfuls of ointment from a giant communal jar would at least guarantee a certain minimal level of care," said Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, stating that the 96,000-pound container of topical rub would be located in the middle of the country and that, in some cases, citizens might have to travel 1,300 miles to have access to the salve. "I will say there is only a limited amount of ointment, and those citizens who are gravely ill and lack medical insurance will get first dibs at the soothing unguent." At press time, top Republicans had already blasted the so-called “Ointmentcare” plan, arguing that the use of taxpayer funds to salve the careless and negligent violated the rights of those who had responsibly obtained their own private stashes of calamine lotion, Icy Hot, and Preparation H.
Busy Romney Sorry He Missed Nation's Piano Recital #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference on behalf of presidential candidate Mitt Romney, campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul told the American public how deeply sorry the GOP frontrunner was to have missed the nation's piano recital Saturday. "Mr. Romney knows how important it was to you, and he wanted to be there, he really did, but sometimes people running for office are very busy and have to spend the whole weekend at rallies in Wisconsin," said Saul, adding that the former Massachusetts governor understood how disappointing it must have been for the nation to look up and see that empty chair in the front row. "He's been briefed on how well you played, though, and he wanted me to tell you he's very proud of you and can't wait for the next recital. Not only will he be there, but he's promised to take everyone out for ice cream afterward." According to sources, Romney wanted to wake up the nation and apologize, but was told by his angry wife, Ann, that the country had just cried itself to sleep and didn't want to see the Republican candidate right now.
Republicans Lose Ground With Women #~# Due in part to GOP-backed policies limiting birth-control access, President Barack Obama has an 18-point lead against any Republican opponent among women in swing states. What do you think?
Echolocation #~# "In most cases, the dolphins succeeded in finding land mines only when we placed them directly on top of the mines." - Dr. Scott Lindell
Gerald Carnes #~# Gerald Carnes whipped out his jumper cables and started the car of Jennifer Barrett while reassuring her that it was okay, women do stupid things like leaving their lights on all the time.
Flying Car A Reality #~# Massachusetts-based company Terrafugia Inc. announced it has completed a test flight of its flying car prototype and will be displaying it at the New York Auto Show. What do you think?
Manny Ramirez Trying To Train Birds To Carry His Pop Fly Balls Over Fence #~# OAKLAND, CA—In an apparent attempt to keep himself relevant this season after a year off and a 50-game suspension to come, Manny Ramirez told reporters at an Oakland A's workout Monday he has been hard at work trying to teach birds how to snatch fly balls he hits and fly them over the fence for home runs. "I had a lot of time to think about how to get more home runs and came up with birds," explained Ramirez, pulling a parakeet out of an Athletics duffel bag filled with various birds and taping a baseball to its feet. "Everybody loves it when I hit the home runs, man. Even the birds, the home run birds. If they see they can help me do it, they will help me." Ramirez threw several birds taped to balls from the outfield toward the fence before giving up and taking the remaining animals into Oakland's tape room to show them footage of how sad he gets when he hits pop flies.
Totally Predictable Ending To Wild NCAA Tournament Prepares Student-Athletes For The Rest Of Their Miserable, Ho-Hum Lives #~# NEW ORLEANS—After the usual exciting upsets, Cinderella stories, and unlikely triumphs that make up the NCAA men's college basketball tournament every March, No. 1 seed Kentucky defeated No. 2 seed Kansas to take the national title Monday, reestablishing the customary order of things and setting student-athletes in the tournament on the proper humdrum course for the rest of their lives. "I was really euphoric there for a few days after we beat Duke," said Lehigh star guard C.J. McCollum, who watched with his teammates in introspective silence as the overdog Wildcats took a commanding lead they never relinquished in their inexorable victory. "But then Xavier beat us, and Baylor beat them, and they lost to Kentucky, and now I just feel, I don't know. I guess this is just the way it goes." The feelings of inevitability, pointlessness, and hopeless futility inspired by Kentucky's victory are expected to serve all tournament participants well in their eventual careers as insurance salesmen, teachers, NBA basketball players, and sportscasters.
Florida Police Warn Public Against Taking Law Into Own Hands Unless It’s That Law Specifically Designed For You To Do That #~# SANFORD, FL—Amidst the controversy surrounding the recent shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, the Sanford Police Department cautioned Florida residents Tuesday against taking the law into their own hands, except when following the state statute that explicitly authorizes people to do so. "Let me be clear: We do not want citizens resorting to deadly force when they believe they're being threatened—unless, of course, they are following the letter of the law, which says they can resort to deadly force when they believe they're being threatened," said interim Sanford police chief Darren Scott, referring to the state's "Stand Your Ground" rule. "Law enforcement should be left to the police. However, it can also be left to common citizens, since pursuing vigilante justice is perfectly within their legal rights. Have I made myself clear?" After being bombarded with questions about the confusing nature of the law, a flustered Scott said, "Just don't be racist and kill people, okay?"
Major Obama Donor Accused Of Fraud #~# Abake Assongba, a New York woman who with her husband contributed $50,000 to the Obama campaign, is accused of defrauding people out of more than $650,000 and using the money to build a house. What do you think?
Bin Laden Relatives Sentenced #~# A Pakistani court sentenced Osama bin Laden's three widows and two daughters to 45 days of house detention for living illegally in Pakistan. What do you think?
Miami Marlins Construction Crew Completely Unaware They've Been Building Baseball Stadium #~# MIAMI—Speaking with reporters while putting the finishing touches on Miami's new stadium Saturday, construction workers at Marlins Park admitted they had no idea what the structure would be used for, despite having built baseball stadiums in the past. "We installed a big pool back there, so maybe all the seats are for people waiting in line to swim?" said foreman Frank Davies, sealing one of the large, inexplicable dual aquarium tanks behind home plate. "But there's that giant rainbow thing with the pink flamingos we built at the edge of the grass that sometimes lights up and moves like a windmill, so I'd say my best guess is this is a really big miniature golf hole or a theme park for disabled children." Major League Baseball has yet to rule the field fit for play, as the stadium has no traditional dugouts, Marlins management having opting instead for two giant sets of wax lips.
Man Arrested Trying To Board Flight With M-80s #~# Authorities in Philadelphia arrested a 29-year-old man trying to board a flight to San Francisco with commercial-grade M-80s and a bottle of flash powder. What do you think?
Esther Hatcher #~# Esther Hatcher ate an entire box of her roommate’s cookies and replaced them after her roommate noticed and got mad.
Cupcake Truce #~# Food
Todd Bishop And Nicole Soper #~# Todd Bishop, 56, and Nicole Soper, 21, will be wed this weekend in a small ceremony attended mostly by Todd's children.
Jets Worry Tim Tebow Will Be Distracted By Wild New York Churchlife #~# NEW YORK—Despite an obvious display of enthusiasm for Tim Tebow's arrival at his introductory press conference Monday, the New York Jets admitted this week to concerns he may become distracted by the city's wild churchlife. "Manhattan offers worship services at all hours of the day, with some places bearing witness to the Good News till 4 a.m.—not to mention all those millions of nonbelievers walking around to convert—and a young player with a healthy thirst for Christianity could really have himself some fun here," said Jets coach Rex Ryan, adding that the sheer number of churches in New York means Tebow could tithe himself into bankruptcy if he's not careful. "In the past, he's managed to keep his God habit in check and focus on football, but in a city where a pew is never more than a minute away, we don't know if he'll be able to resist the temptation." Sources confirmed the Jets are making overtures to fellow Christian Kurt Warner to mentor Tebow, because the veteran once played in the city, and also because they do not have anybody who is good at quarterback.
Apartment Returns To Pre-Houseguest Level Of Tension #~# COLUMBUS, OH—With the Sunday afternoon departure of friends visiting from Chicago for the weekend, the apartment of Gary and Felicia Mylan ceased being a warm, open household and returned to its normal atmosphere of icy resentment. "They're gone," said Felicia Mylan, dropping the relaxed demeanor she had affected for three days and clenching her teeth as her husband opened his laptop to read e-mail and shut off any possibility of conversation. "I'm going to lie down for a bit." The weekend marked the lowest level of tension in the home since February, when the couple shared a chuckle over news of an acquaintance's three-month-old marriage ending in divorce.
Report: Majority Of Instances Of People Getting Lives Back On Track Occur Immediately After Visit To Buffalo Wild Wings #~# SEATTLE—According to a University of Washington report published Friday, more than two-thirds of major lifestyle reassessments take place after exiting a Buffalo Wild Wings franchise. "Typically, the moment of self-reflection begins when people find themselves in the parking lot asking questions like, 'Why the hell am I here?' and 'What terrible life path am I currently on that led me to a Buffalo Wild Wings?'" said researcher Dr. Priyank Sarin, adding that most individuals hit bottom when they notice the stench of stale barbecue sauce clinging to their clothes and remember how depressed they felt when they caught their own saddened reflection in one of the many televisions surrounding the restaurant. "By the time you leave a Buffalo Wild Wings, you're ready for a fresh start, because at that point, there's nowhere to go but up." The report shows, however, that 98 percent of people experiencing such epiphanies will return within a week to the very same Buffalo Wild Wings location.
Team USA Devastated After Home Depot Refuses To Let Athletes Take Time Off For Olympics #~# COBB COUNTY, GA—Big-box home improvement giant the Home Depot, which has generously supported the U.S. Olympic team in past years by providing flexible employment for athletes in training, announced Thursday that the Olympians in their employ were "too valuable" to be granted time-off requests to compete in the upcoming London games. "We are sorry, but the Olympic athletes on our staff are by far our best employees—conscientious, disciplined, energetic, competitive, and in great shape—and we can't afford to let them go during the busy summer months," a press release from the retailer read in part. "We hope that any of our associates wishing to travel to London for the games will weigh the value of a career representing the quality, service, and value that the Home Depot stands for against the chance of representing, say, Team USA water polo, and choose accordingly."  As of press time, no Olympian had yet announced a decision.
Southern White Rhinoceros #~# A southern white rhinoceros at the San Antonio Zoo made an effort not to look suicidal in front of children.
Ford Assembly Line Foreman Thinking About Asking Out Cute Welding Robot From Work #~# DEARBORN, MI—Sources said Tuesday that Bruce Garver, a 42-year-old assembly line foreman at the Ford Motor Company's Dearborn, MI, plant, is giving serious consideration to asking a cute welding robot he works with out on a date. "She's not only pretty, but I've never seen anyone so committed to their job," said Garver, who said he'd asked around and learned that no one recalled the DX 700 spot welder ever mentioning a boyfriend. "I'd never want to interfere with that, of course, but I bet she gets lonely sometimes. I know I do." At press time, Garver had still not approached the 1,900-pound robot, reportedly convinced that she was way out of his league.
Secret Service Called Before Congress #~# Following an incident in Colombia in which Secret Service agents drank excessively and hired prostitutes, the head of the agency was called before Congress to discuss the scandal and its fallout. Here are some of the revelations from the hearing:
Shadows Meet The Clouds, Gray On Gray, Like Dusty Charcoal On An Ashen Brow, Nation's Poets Report #~# NEW YORK—According to a growing consensus of U.S. poets, shadows—inky sharp as a raven's beak—meet the sullen bloat of clouds, their hues a pallid loam, each a dancer, each alone, like dusty charcoal on an ashen brow.
Dylan, Albright, Morrison Receive Medal Of Freedom #~# President Obama honored 13 recipients, including former secretary of state Madeleine Albright, singer Bob Dylan, author Toni Morrison, and astronaut John Glenn, with the Medal of Freedom. What do you think?
The Big L #~# Lifetime
Romney Clinches Republican Nomination #~# With his victory in the Texas primary, Mitt Romney has amassed enough delegates to secure the Republican nomination for president. What do you think?
Money Man Pulls Even With Black Guy In Latest Poll #~# WASHINGTON—With the election less than six months away, a nationwide Gallup poll released Wednesday found that Money Man has now pulled even with Black Guy in the 2012 presidential race.
Would you rather have Money Man or Black Guy as president? #~# Back to story: Money Man Pulls Even With Black Guy In Latest Poll
Nabisco Tentatively Adds Hummus To List Of Approved Ritz Toppings #~# EAST HANOVER, NJ—Snack manufacturer Nabisco announced Tuesday its tentative decision to add hummus to its list of approved Ritz cracker toppings, temporarily granting the chickpea-based spread the same status accorded to garnishes such as summer sausage and tomato wedges. "At this time, we believe it is in our best interests to move forward with a trial period to assess the value of hummus as a flavorful complement to our line of Ritz products," said Nabisco spokesman Dale Reinert, who demurred when asked whether the topping might one day supplant peanut butter as the preferred filling in sandwich crackers. "Following an 18-week evaluation, we will determine whether a renewal of hummus' certification is warranted." Tuesday's long-awaited announcement ends months of speculation that began last year when Nabisco parent company Kraft Foods invested heavily in sesame-oil futures.
Shrieking Vilsack Wakes From Nightmare About Being Buried Alive By Giant Ear Of Corn #~# WASHINGTON—A shrieking, sweat-soaked Tom Vilsack reportedly woke in a panic Tuesday night after the U.S. Secretary of Agriculture had a horrifying nightmare that he was thrown into a shallow grave by a giant ear of corn and then buried alive.
Lugar Will Not Campaign For Republican Nominee #~# Sen. Dick Lugar (R-IN) announced he won’t campaign for Richard Mourdock, the Tea Party–backed candidate who defeated him in the primary. What do you think?
Thom Cargill #~# Thom Cargill kept his tuberculosis under wraps so as not to be a downer during the flight from Hong Kong to L.A.
Obama Presides Over Secret 'Kill List' #~# According to The New York Times, President Obama approves every name added to a classified “kill list” of terrorists and has made himself the final arbiter of whether or not to order a strike when an opportunity arises. What do you think?
Big 12 Agrees To Annual Bowl Loss Against SEC #~# IRVING, TX—Keeping with years of tradition of getting blown out in demoralizing defeats to its dominating competitor, the Big 12 Conference confirmed Monday it has agreed to a yearly bowl loss to the Southeastern Conference. "This is a proud day for the Big 12," said interim Big 12 commissioner Chuck Neinas, who acknowledged that the decision, like everything the conference has done in the past year, was forced on them by the SEC's pursuit for ever-increasing revenue and power. "Every New Years Day, a national television audience will get to enjoy an exciting matchup as the SEC champion thoroughly embarrasses the best remaining school in the Big 12 over the course of four agonizing quarters. For the dozen member institutions of the Big 12, it will be like the throbbing pain of their New Year's hangover never ended." According to the bowl agreement, if the SEC champion is playing for the national championship in a given year, the school at the bottom of the SEC standings will take their place in order to make the Big 12's loss all the more humiliating.
Hey, Everybody! This Cool New Tide Detergent Video Is Blowing Up All Over The Internet! #~# Hey, everybody, have you seen this awesome new web video from Tide detergent? I just checked it out online and, man, it is easily one of the coolest digital videos I've ever seen. It's no wonder this clip is blowing up all over the Internet! It's so fun and entertaining, absolutely everyone is discussing it on popular blogs and linking to it from social media platforms.
Area Man Winded After Particularly Lengthy Wendy's Order #~# GLEN ALLEN, VA—Local man Brett Lussier, 43, was left fatigued and out of breath Thursday after placing a particularly long lunch order at the Wendy's franchise location on Brook Road, sources reported. "I'll have a Spicy Chicken Sandwich, large fries, baked potato, a root beer," said the man, his voice slowing as his taxed lungs labored to produce each syllable of Junior Bacon Cheeseburger amid audible gasps for breath. "Cup of chili and…and… hegh, ugh." According to onlookers, the puffing, pink-faced Lussier then hacked a single wet cough, braced his wearied frame against the counter, and required a full 10 seconds of repose before he was finally able to wheeze out the word "Frosty."
PayPal Now Accepted At 15 Retailers #~# Online payment service PayPal has struck a deal with 15 brick-and-mortar retailers, including JCPenney and Barnes and Noble, that will enable users to pay for merchandise with their phones. What do you think?
Exposed Brick #~# USA
Crayola CEO Presents Jarringly Ambitious 5-Year Plan At Annual Shareholders Meeting #~# EASTON, PA—Speaking at the annual shareholder meeting of Crayola, Inc. on Tuesday, CEO Mike Perry reportedly bewildered investors with a 95-slide PowerPoint presentation called "Thinking Outside The Crayon Box" in which he outlined an oddly ambitious, disconcerting  5-year plan. "I expected him to introduce some new colors or something, but all of the sudden he was talking about 'throwing wax out the window' and 'envisioning the Crayonscape of the future,'" shareholder Nicole West said of Perry's unnerving slideshow, which included a production timeline for a series of Bluetooth-compatible crayons under the heading "Fully Integrated Multi-Level Crayon Solutions." "He said that by 2018, crayons are going to be 100-percent digital, and I'm not sure anyone really understood what he meant by that. To be honest, I kind of just wanted to hear if he figured out a way for crayons to color better or something." Perry further unsettled shareholders by saying that the company would be phasing out burnt umber, as the color was "an archaic and embarrassing vestige of a bygone crayon era that does not represent Crayola as the vanguard of conceptual, cutting-edge crayon thinking and ideas."
Jim Harbaugh Insists Michael Crabtree Has Best, Most Lickable Hands In NFL History #~# SAN FRANCISCO—49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, who has worked with such receiving greats as Tim Brown, Marvin Harrison, and Jerry Rice over the course of his career, found reason to praise his current top pass-catcher last week when he claimed Michael Crabtree has “far and away the most mouth-watering and lickable hands” of any receiver playing today or any he has ever coached. “Larry Fitzgerald’s hands are soft and Calvin Johnson’s are strong, to be sure, but Michael’s are the perfect balance of sweet and savory,” Harbaugh said Friday during an interview on Bay Area sports radio station KNBR-680, adding that their unique tang was a major reason Crabtree caught 72 passes in the 2011 season. “They’re pretty big, too, so you have to be careful you don’t gag on them.” When host Kevin Lynch asked, after an extended pause, if Harbaugh was satisfied with the way Crabtree’s footwork had improved over his career, Harbaugh refused comment, saying only “feet are gross.”
Solar Plane Makes First Intercontinental Flight #~# Pilots flew the Solar Impulse, an experimental solar-powered two-person aircraft, on a two-leg journey from Switzerland to Morocco. What do you think?
NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything #~# ‘Yeah, Something Like 1,000 Dead Kids,’ Reports Spokesperson
$lapping $trangers #~# MTV
Why Women's Professional Soccer Failed in the U.S. #~# With the sad and unnecessary death of Women's Professional Soccer last week, there is no longer a professional standalone women's soccer league in the United States. Here are the main reasons why: 
Nation Mesmerized By Spurs' Dazzling Pass-Screen-Pass-Shoot Brand Of Offense #~# SAN ANTONIO—In arenas, sports bars, and homes throughout the country, the San Antonio Spurs' dominating run through the playoffs has transfixed the nation with the breathtaking spectacle of their pass-screen-pass-shoot offense. "There they go, passing, doing a screen, passing again, and shooting the ball!" said South Dakota resident Roger Siler as he reviewed Spurs highlights on his computer. "Sometimes you think they won't pass it that second time, but then they do. They almost always do! And then they shoot the ball, scoring points. Wow." Perhaps even more thrilling is the fact that before viewers can get a chance to catch their breath, Americans say, the Spurs then get back on defense.
Undercurrent Of Inequality And Fear Roiling Just Beneath Surface Of '50s-Themed Diner #~# MINNEAPOLIS—An underlying but eerily palpable feeling of enforced social conformity, racial tension, and communist witch hunts lurks just beneath the surface of Smokey Joe's, a 1950s-themed novelty diner, sources reported Monday. "This place is like a great nostalgic time capsule," said customer Brad Handley, 61, describing the roller-skating waitresses, old-fashioned jukebox, and sense of overwhelming nuclear paranoia inherent in the family-style eatery. "It's just a fun place to grab a cheeseburger and listen to some Elvis hits." Handley's wife Janice told reporters she also enjoyed the restaurant's atmosphere, which evokes a simpler time in America when Phil Silvers was on television, women were systematically oppressed at home and in the workplace, and sock hops were all the rage.
Spurs/Thunder #~# It's time for the Western Conference Finals, featuring an archetypical dynamic young team and an archetypical veteran team with strong fundamentals. Here's what each must do to win:
Michael Phelps Apologizes To Nation After Tasting Subway For First Time #~# NEW YORK—In a press release issued Friday, Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps publicly apologized to his fans and Americans everywhere after actually tasting one of the Subway sandwiches he endorses. "I am embarrassed, ashamed, and quite frankly disgusted in myself for encouraging other people to eat that bready, semi-meat-flavored amalgamation Subway attempts to pass off as a meal," the statement read in part, explaining that most commercial shoots only required Phelps to hold sandwiches near his face, and even so, he was under the impression that those were only props. "Actually watching the sandwich being made may have been even worse than eating it. Seeing that sad man peel translucently thin meat-sheets off damp paper and place them on limp marshmallowy bread, then dump on handfuls of gray-green vegetable matter and douse the whole thing in some goop out of a tube, took days off the end of my life. Again, I cannot begin to express how deeply sorry I am." The statement concluded by stating that Phelps will no longer continue on as a spokesman for Subway, adding that he would "rather endorse eugenics than that garbage."
Report: 5th Floor A Bunch Of Pompous Dicks #~# SEATTLE—Citing their stuck-up attitudes and stupid, hip little outfits, a devastating new report from Waverly Building sources found Tuesday that the people who work on the fifth floor are a bunch of pompous dicks. "Taking into account how they're always talking to each other about some client or project or something and acting all high and mighty, it is our determination that [the people on the fifth floor] are pretty much all cocksuckers," the report read in part. "They don't even look at you when you walk into the elevator, and they don't laugh at your jokes, either. It's like, ooh, sorry, people on the fifth floor, I guess we're not all attractive and wealthy like you. Pricks." The report also confirmed there was that one woman from there who looks kind of like Laura San Giacomo who smiled once, so she might be okay, but the rest of them can go to hell.
Phoenix Coyotes Pretend Homeless Drifters At Greyhound Bus Station Are Fans Welcoming Team Home #~# PHOENIX—Upon returning from their elimination from the Western Conference Finals Tuesday, the Phoenix Coyotes convinced themselves that the homeless drifters occupying the Greyhound bus station were adoring fans waiting to welcome them back. "It eases the pain to see so many fans back here waiting for us, and it looks like most of them were even camping out for a while waiting for us," team captain Shane Doan said, after shaking the outstretched open hand of a mumbling homeless man. "From the sad looks and anguished faces, I can tell how much our loss truly pains these die-hards. Some of them kept saying, 'Please, help me.' All I could say was 'We'll get 'em next year!'" In related news, the conference champion Los Angeles Kings reportedly believed that the people who filled their arena during the series actually cared whether they won or lost.
Friends Of Friends #~# NBC
U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan #~# The Senate Appropriations Committee voted 30-0 to cut aid to Pakistan by $33 million after the country’s government arrested and sentenced a doctor who tipped off the United States to Osama bin Laden's location. What do you think?
Wrigley Field Supporters Propose Tearing Down Rest Of Chicago #~# CHICAGO—A coalition of die-hard Cubs fans and Wrigley Field supporters introduced a drastic proposal at a Chicago city council meeting Tuesday, angrily calling for the demolition of the expensive, obsolete, 175-year-old city surrounding the beloved ballpark.
Thomas The Tank Engine A Little Uneasy With His Broad Autistic Following #~# ISLAND OF SODOR—Thomas the Tank Engine told reporters Tuesday that while he's glad trains are a source of fascination and joy for so many children, he often feels uncomfortable with the attention he receives from the autistic fans that make up the majority of his fan base. "Don't get me wrong—I'm grateful that these kids enjoy me so much, but I think the way they're enjoying me is not really so healthy, and honestly not the way I would choose to be appreciated, personally," the anthropomorphic locomotive said between stops on his Mystery On The Rails tour, where he observed that children with autism "outnumber the normal kids by at least three to one." "It would be nice to have some indication that my messages about friendship and sharing are being heard rather than have a pack of totally silent, open-mouthed 6-year-olds stare unblinkingly at my shiny wheels for an hour. It creeps me out." Thomas the Tank Engine's comments come on the heels of the controversy surrounding Sesame Street's Snuffleupagus, who last month incensed gay rights groups after saying that he was confused and somewhat disturbed by his massive, rabid homosexual following.
'Fifty Shades Of Grey' Series Reaches 10 Million Sales #~# Publishing house Vintage has sold 10 million copies of the erotica trilogy Fifty Shades Of Grey in multiple formats in an astonishing six weeks. What do you think?
Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor fallen American soldiers this Memorial Day with a fittingly "badass" tribute, Vice President Joe Biden has announced plans to jump a motorcycle over the entire length of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.
Suspect Arrested In Etan Patz Case #~# A suspect in the 1979 disappearance of 6-year-old Etan Patz, the first missing child to be put on a milk carton, was taken into custody. What do you think?
Skechers To Pay For Dubious Fitness Claims #~# Shoe company Skechers, whose rounded-bottom Shape-Up brand was purported to have been good for weight loss and overall fitness, has been ordered by the Federal Trade Commission to pay out more than $40 million in refunds. Here are some other recent FTC decisions:
Visiting Parents Unknowingly Strike Up Conversation With Parents Of Dorm's Blowjob Queen #~# BOSTON— As they helped their son move out of Boston University's Warren Towers dormitory Wednesday, the parents of student Jay Wiernick struck up a conversation with the parents of fellow student Elaine Marcone, reportedly oblivious to the fact that the Marcones' 19-year-old daughter was the residence hall's blowjob queen. "I wonder if Jay's ever met her," said Lori Wiernick in reference to the freshman who, unbeknownst to Wiernick, was known throughout the 1,800-room dormitory for giving blowjobs to pretty much anyone who asked, sometimes to two guys at once. "Her parents said she was pre-med, right? Like Jay? I bet they've at least had one lab together. I'll ask him." According to sources, the Marcones were equally unaware that the Wiernicks' son was widely acknowledged as the dorm's blowjob king.
U.S. Census Overcounted By 36,000 #~# A survey revealed that the 2010 census counted an extra 36,000 people, or 0.01 percent, because of duplicate forms and deaths, which is down from the 0.49 percent overcount in the 2000 census. What do you think?
Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter #~# PITTSBURGH—Having established a reputation among the Flagstone Marketing staff as a quiet and reserved temporary worker, Kevin Bright completely shocked his coworkers this week when it was discovered that, outside the office, the mild-mannered 27-year-old is actually an embarrassingly unskilled singer-songwriter.
B #~# ABC
Egypt Holds First Presidential Elections #~# Fifteen months after Egyptian ruler Hosni Mubarak was deposed, Egyptians voted in their first-ever free presidential elections. What do you think?
Memphis Airport Panda Express Takes Over As Nation's Most Depressing Place #~# MEMPHIS, TN—With its combination of flickering fluorescent lights, seats facing a Delta security checkpoint, and day-old lo mein noodles sticking to its teal-colored tiled floors, Memphis Airport’s Panda Express is now the the nation’s most depressing place, sources confirmed Tuesday. “We found listening to alternating English and Spanish safety announcements while eating orange chicken at 10 in the morning to have a soul-crushing quality unlike anywhere else in America,” said US News & World Report list editor Brian Kelly, adding that the chinese fast food restaurant became the nation’s saddest location after overtaking a concession stand at a Flint, MI, dollar-movie theater. “The Panda Express had been holding steady at number two for several years, but once they switched from red and yellow paper plates decorated with Chinese dragons to plain-white Styrofoam containers, that took it over the top.” Other locations that made this year’s list were a Boca Raton, FL, burn ward, the House of Representatives, and wherever 34-year-old Fairfax, VA, resident Nate Clement happens to be.
Kennedy Family Releases List Of Tragic Ways Remaining Members Could Die #~# HYANNIS PORT, MA—Following last week's tragic loss of yet another family member, the grieving Kennedys released a list of numerous heartbreaking ways the dynasty's remaining living relatives could die, sources confirmed Tuesday.
Catholic Orgs Sue Over Birth-Control Rule #~# Several Catholic institutions, including Notre Dame, are suing the federal government over the Obama administration’s birth control funding mandate. What do you think?
Scientists Find Thousands Of Previously Undiscovered Species Cowering In Amazon Rainforest #~# MANAUS, BRAZIL—A team of scientists studying the Amazon Rainforest announced the remarkable discovery this week of thousands of previously undiscovered mammals, reptiles, birds and other species desperately cowering for dear life under rocks and assorted foliage.
Posthumously-Conceived Children Get No Benefits #~# The Supreme Court ruled that a set of twins conceived with frozen sperm through in vitro fertilization 18 months after the father's death are not eligible for Social Security survivor benefits. What do you think?
David Ortiz Claims He Just Saw Submarine In Kansas City Royals Fountain #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz excitedly informed everyone in his team's dugout that he had just spotted a submarine splashing around in the Kauffman Stadium fountain behind the outfield fence in Kansas City, sources confirmed Wednesday. "It came up from under the water and was looking around with its stethoscope [sic], but I think it was lost and might have been at the wrong game," said Ortiz, who reportedly waved enthusiastically at the submarine in the top of the third inning while striking out with the bases loaded. "It was probably one of those that people flush down the toilet when it's a little submarine because they don't want it anymore, and then it grew super big inside the sewer eating rats." Red Sox sources confirmed that after the game Ortiz searched for the submarine in the locker room by peering into a sink's drain, inspecting a shower nozzle, and checking underneath a urinal cake.
Come On! There Has To Be One Person In This Goddamn School Who's Been Molested #~# I've been at this school a long time now. Fourteen years this September. And I know it sounds corny, but all I've ever wanted to do is make a real difference. Since the day I arrived, nothing has motivated me more than the thought of helping—really helping—a troubled young person who might not know where else to turn. Sure, I know part of my job is getting people ready for the SAT or giving them advice on selecting a college, but there's so much more I can do. I can turn a student's life around, I know it, if one of them just gave me the chance.
Karzai Thanks U.S. Taxpayers For Covering Cost Of War #~# In an address given during the NATO summit in Chicago, Afghan president Hamid Karzai thanked the people of the United States for bearing the cost of the war. What do you think?
Couple Has Nest Egg Of Debt To Make Sure They've Got Some Money To Owe Down The Road #~# BRIMLEY, MI—Local couple Matt and Wendy Ratliff told reporters Tuesday that they have been steadily building up a nest egg of debt to make sure that they always had something tucked away to owe banks and creditors no matter what the future held. "We've been saving a little debt each year for about 15 years now, which might not sound like much, but as the debt grows over time, it will hopefully provide us with a nice chunk of debt we can dig into later on if we happen to run into any unexpected prosperity," said Wendy Ratliff, 47, adding that if she and her husband stuck to their plan, they would have enough outstanding payments stashed away to not only retire in debt but also to ensure that their children could inherit some of their debt as well. "It was a little difficult setting aside the debt at first, but after awhile, we just got used to it. Now we barely notice how crippling it's going to be." Ratliff said the nest egg was personally important to her, as her own mother had never put any debt aside and was now an elderly widow with almost no source of financial hardship.
Cool Basketball Fan Calls Sport 'B-Ball' #~# HOBBS, NM—According to friends of the man, area cool basketball fan Kip Conroy calls the sport "b-ball," even though that is not the sport’s official name. "Kip's always like, 'Want to play some b-ball?' or 'Did you see that b-ball game last night?' It's so cool," said coworker Aaron Beebe, who admitted Monday he once called basketball "hoops" but would never attempt anything as cool as saying "b-ball." "I think he must know a lot about basketball. That's why he feels so comfortable abbreviating it." When reached for comment, Conroy confirmed that "b-ball" is his favorite sport and that his favorite b-ball team is "all of them."
Study Logs 2,000 Wrongful Convictions #~# A new database assembled by two universities has identified more than 2,000 wrongful convictions overturned in the last 23 years, at an average of 11 years each. What do you think?
News Team 9 Adventures #~# Cartoon
Alabama School System's Lone Textbook Falling Apart #~# MONTGOMERY, AL—The Alabama Department of Education reported Wednesday that its sole textbook has begun to seriously show its age after more than a decade of heavy daily use at the state's 1,500 public schools.
Every NBC Program To End With Character Straight Up Asking Viewers What Kind Of New TV Shows They Would Like To See #~# NEW YORK—The struggling NBC network announced a new programming initiative last week that involves characters in each scripted series ending episodes by breaking the fourth wall and asking viewers point blank what sort of television shows they would most like to see in the future. "Now that we've closed the books on yet another thrilling criminal investigation, it's time to solve the mystery of just what you guys would tune in to if you had your pick," said Law And Order: Special Victims Unit's Mariska Hargitay, flanked by co-star Danny Pino, who stopped arresting the episode's prime suspect, waved to the audience, and said, "Hi there. Did you like this episode of television? Would you like to see something else instead, either in place of us or in place of something else?" Pino was then joined by the rest of the cast as well as NBC Chairman Robert Greenblatt, who shook hands with all the actors before introducing himself and addressing viewers.  "Good evening. How about a three-camera family sitcom? A hospital drama? Some kind of musical contest thing, maybe? Really, don't be shy; we just need to know what it is you want so we can make more money and be a better company. Please email your suggestions to viewervoices@nbc.com and try to be as detailed as possible when explaining the type of programming you'd like to see. Have a good night." Following Greenblatt's announcement, the show's closing credits began to roll.
Donna Summer Dead #~# Donna Summer, singer of such disco anthems as "Last Dance" and "Love To Love You Baby," died at the age of 63. What do you think?
The Skeet Shooter #~# NBC
Jessica Tanley and Rodney Holl #~# Jessica Tanley married Rodney Holl beneath a beautiful evening sky, hoping for a shooting star at the moment of their “I Do’s,” but of course that didn’t happen because Rodney always screws everything up.
Independent Baking Scene Apparently Worth A Documentary #~# SEATTLE—A string of independent bakeries in the Seattle area apparently provided enough material to warrant a 73-minute documentary titled Rise: The Resurgence Of The Artisanal Bakery, 27-year-old Netflix browser Cyrus Wall observed Sunday. "I guess someone decided this local baking scene was worth shooting and editing an entire movie about," said Wall, noting that his residence in Seattle and previous interest in a documentary about rustic cabinet making probably led to the film being recommended to him by Netflix. "Apparently, there's some kind of story to tell about these three traditional bakers and an upstart gluten-free baker, so I guess that's why this is a thing." After hovering over the play button for fifteen seconds, Wall opted instead to watch a documentary about cast-iron chair manufacturers in Boise, ID.
Yankees To Rest Pitching Mound After 8 Innings Of CC Sabathia #~# NEW YORK— Yankees manager Joe Girardi announced at a press conference Tuesday his plans to give the pitching mound a few days of rest to fully recover from enduring eight grueling innings of hurler CC Sabathia. "A long outing of Sabathia really put a strain on the mound, and the last thing we want to do is risk permanent damage," said Girardi, adding that the pitching mound was iced down to prevent swelling. "The mound has been a valuable asset this year, and we have a huge investment at stake. But it's a long season and we are definitely concerned that is was so worn down after one start by CC. From here on out the mound will be limited to a strict pitcher count." While Girardi said he hopes it won't be long before the pitching mound is back out on the field, he maintained that the unfortunate situation provides an opportunity for dirt from the bullpen to get a few starts.
Sculpture Of Stereotypical Italian Chef Proof Of Pizzeria’s High Standard Of Excellence #~# MINNEAPOLIS—According to customers, a fiberglass sculpture of a fat mustachioed Italian stereotype recently placed in front of Gunther's Pizza has provided irrefutable proof of the restaurant's high standard of excellence. "I was looking for a quality Italian place, and I had no idea where to go, but then I saw that statue with its chubby-cheeks and curly little mustache," local diner Pamela Jackson said Saturday, adding that the shallow representation of an Italian chef, with its pot belly and red neckerchief, all but guaranteed that she was was in for an authentic eating experience. "He was wearing a white apron with some marinara stains on it, so I knew the food would be good. Why else would that statue be lovingly holding up a pizza like that?" Jackson added that any lingering doubts she had were immediately erased upon being seated and noticing a framed photo of Marlon Brando on the wall.
Metta World Peace #~# Mr. World Peace changed his name last year in order to show he'd rejected the hooliganism that got him in trouble as Ron Artest, but he's also coming off a seven-game suspension for a blind elbow. Is he any good?
Fleet Of Ambulances On Hand For 41-Year-Olds' Touch Football Game #~# GOLDSBORO, NC—Anticipating the very likely need for rapid medical evacuation, a fleet of ambulances from several regional hospitals took up positions Saturday at the edge of Fairview Park, where a group of 41-year-old former college friends had gathered for a casual game of touch football.
The Return Of Eddie #~# TLC
Baseball Officials Concerned As More And More Retired Players Begin To Show Jose Canseco–Like Symptoms #~# NEW YORK—In response to evidence an increasing number of former players are showing what doctors say can only be described as "Jose Canseco–like symptoms," the MLB announced Friday it was launching an investigation into whether lingering neurological effects of playing baseball are causing the erratic behavior. "When you hear about a player who exhibit signs of challenging 8-foot-tall men to boxing matches in Japan or bickering with his tiny porn-star girlfriend on Twitter, you assume it’s an isolated condition. Namely, isolated to Jose Canseco," said MLB official Carson Pettus, who has been tasked with investigating reports other former players may be bottling their own lines of antiaging energy drinks in unhealthy delusions of business acumen. "Major League Baseball is aware of the psychological grind of 162-game schedules and plans to take careful precautions with our players when they show early signs of Jose Canseco." Sources said the MLB was jolted into action last week when reality-show cameras were seen following around a very tan, mascara-wearing Cal Ripken, Jr. as he hustled 7-year-olds at Baltimore-area T-ball practices.
Sweetener Makes You Dumber #~# A study published in The Journal of Physiology demonstrated that rats given substantial amounts of high fructose corn syrup learned and remembered less than a control group. What do you think?
Famous Flops In Sports #~# Faking outrage or egregious injury in order to draw a penalty, once the purview of soccer players, is becoming more and more common across all sports these days. 
Alien Still Hasn't Gotten Around To Listening To Whole Voyager Golden Record #~# 47 U. MAJORIS STAR SYSTEM—Roughly 18 months after discovering the collection of common Earth sounds contained on the golden record placed aboard the Voyager probe NASA launched in 1977, extraterrestrial Richard Ellinger, 237, admitted Friday he still hasn't gotten around to listening to the whole thing. "The wind, rain, and surf sounds are pretty cool, but I usually sort of zone out when it gets to the crickets chirping, and then I just end up turning it off," said Ellinger, adding that he will sometimes put the record on as background noise when he's cleaning his electro-biological habitat. "And to be totally honest, I almost always skip that track with the mother kissing her baby. It's like, 'Who cares?' you know?" Ellinger said he plans on taking a few things he likes off the record—such as the traditional Peruvian wedding song, the humpback whale calls, and the tractor noises—and throwing them on a mix with some Elvis Costello classics.
New DVR Can Skip Ads #~# A new DVR sold by the Dish Network comes with the capability to pass over ads and is sending shockwaves through the television industry. What do you think?
Heat Lose Chris Bosh Indefinitely To Severe Poetic Justice #~# MIAMI—After straining his abdominal muscles, Miami power forward Chris Bosh will be out indefinitely in what appears to be a severe case of poetic justice for his arrogant and presumptive team, sources close to the Heat confirmed Tuesday.
Bears Claim They'd Want Brandon Marshall On Their Side In Bar Fight With Woman #~# CHICAGO—Defending their newly acquired wideout Brandon Marshall, multiple members of the Chicago Bears organization came forward this week claiming they would want him on their side in a barroom brawl with a woman. "Brandon’s had his troubles, but at the end of the day he’s absolutely the kind of guy you could count on punching any number of women in the face if you needed him to," said Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, who admitted that he’s still learning what it takes to beat a woman like a leader in the NFL. "At the end of the day, it’s about trust. And I, personally, trust Brandon to do whatever number of horrifyingly brutal things to women this team needs of him." Marshall’s dedication will be a welcome addition to the Chicago offense, considering its defense is already anchored by Brian Urlacher, known across the NFL for never backing down when verbally abusing the mother of his son.
Kristen Anderson and James Greene #~# Kristen Anderson and James Greene, both of Austin, TX, were married Friday at the city's newest wedding truck.
Evolution Of Obama's Gay Marriage Stance #~# Last week, President Obama announced he is now in favor of gay marriage and said his stance had evolved over the past two years. Here are some of the evolutionary stages of Obama's opinion:
Cop Grudgingly Admits Suspect Is The Best Goddamn Pedophile He's Seen In 30 Years On The Force #~# LOS ANGELES—Veteran LAPD detective James Russo, 49, reluctantly admitted to reporters Thursday that the pedophile he is currently on the trail of is the best he's seen in his 30 years on the force. "I've put away more than my fair share of pederasts, and let me tell you, this son of a bitch is good—I mean really good," said Russo, shaking his head in admiration while scanning a report detailing the sex crimes the at-large child molester had perpetrated against his latest victim, an 8-year-old Reseda boy. "I certainly don't condone what he's doing, but goddamn it if I don't respect him. There's part of me that just can't help but wonder what sort of stunt this crazy bastard is going to pull next." Russo added that he hasn't been this impressed since 2008, when he apprehended 34-year-old Richard Pearson, the smoothest, most sophisticated public masturbator the detective has encountered in his entire career.
Nonwhite Babies Pass White Babies In United States #~# For the first time in U.S. history, the number of minority babies outstripped the number of white babies. What do you think?
Bush Endorses Romney #~# Following a speech in Washington, former president George W. Bush offered an impromptu endorsement of candidate Mitt Romney to reporters. What do you think?
Secretary Of Transportation Flips Out On Pothole In Baltimore #~# BALTIMORE—Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood went off on a 22-centimeter-wide, 8-centimeter-deep pothole Wednesday, calling it a "goddamn disgrace" and a "real piece of work that's out to make [him] look like a fool."
Lady Gaga Barred From Indonesia #~# Following numerous religious protests, Indonesian officials have refused to issue a permit for Lady Gaga to perform in Jakarta next month. What do you think?
Swedish Rules Football #~# Fox Sports
Area Man Pretty Shaken Up After Running Into Casual Acquaintance At CVS #~# NEW YORK—A full 20 minutes after running into casual acquaintance Dan Ehrlemeyer at a CVS drugstore Wednesday and exchanging pleasant small talk with him, area man Jason Ditmas, 32, told reporters he was still really shaken up by the experience. "There I am in the toothpaste aisle, and before I can walk away pretending I haven't seen him, he makes eye contact, and bam—I'm talking about what I've been up to lately with this guy I've never seen before in a context like that," said a still-reeling Ditmas, who upon exiting the store deliberately walked in a different direction from Ehrlemeyer, stopping around the next corner to take some deep breaths and gather his composure. "My God. In a CVS of all places." Ditmas later returned to the drugstore to pick up additional items, including antiperspirant and a hair-care product, that he was reportedly uncomfortable purchasing in Ehrlemeyer’s presence.
First Private Flight To Space Station This Week #~# SpaceX, the privately owned spaceflight company, is planning to launch a robotic capsule to the International Space Station this Saturday. What do you think?
Tens Of Thousands Dead In Ongoing Africa #~# JUBA, SOUTH SUDAN—According to alarming reports from international relief agencies operating in Swaziland, Chad, the Democratic Republic of Congo, and rebel-held sections of Mali, more than 500,000 people have died so far this month from the ongoing Africa plaguing the region.
James Palmenteri and Valerie Skinner #~# After two marriages to other people, James Palmenteri, 38, and Valerie Skinner, 35, have decided to waste their friends and family’s time, once again, this Saturday.
Stranded Fisherman Sues Cruise Line #~# Panamanian fisherman Adrian Vasquez is suing Princess Cruise Lines after one of its ships allegedly chose to ignore a stalled boat in which he and two companions, who later died, had been stranded. What do you think?
Derek Jeter Admits He Only Plays The Game The Right Way For The Pussy #~# NEW YORK—New York Yankees shortstop and eventual first-ballot Hall of Famer Derek Jeter admitted to reporters Monday that the only reason he plays baseball with effort, modesty, and reverence to those who played before him is because it gets him all the world-class pussy he can handle. "It's not like I'm faking anything out there; I do genuinely play my hardest each and every night, but I also genuinely love digging balls deep into women like Minka Kelly, and I'd be lying if I told you those two things aren't related," said Jeter, adding that charity work and appearances at fundraisers are another sure-fire way to "line up the juicy wet love gloves." "In 2004, when I dove into those stands and busted up my face, the whole time I was running toward that ball I was thinking to myself, 'Threesome!!'" When asked for his opinion, Jeter's teammate Alex Rodriguez acknowledged that pussy is the only reason he acts like an arrogant asshole who's too good for everyone he meets.
I Was One Of Those Kids Who Always Took Cats Apart To See How They Worked #~# I guess I've always been the curious type. Ever since I was a kid, I've wanted to learn how things worked. For me, it was never really about the surfaces of things—how they looked or how fast they could go—it was more about what was going on underneath. Take cats, for example. Most kids like petting cats or playing with them, but I was always the kid who was sort of off by himself, taking cats apart, familiarizing himself with their bone and tissue fibers, and really learning how each piece of the cat connected to the next.
Positive Affirmation Makes One Feel Worse #~# According to a study published in the journal Psychological Science, repeating positive affirmations like "I am a lovable person" makes depressed people feel worse. What do you think?
Hershey's Announces It's All Out Of Candy #~# 'It's Been A Hell Of A Run, Folks,' Say Retiring Executives
Holmes On Homes #~# DIY
Don't You Fret, America #~# "But don't you fret, America. If you ever feel like your government is getting too big or too intrusive, just give a little whistle, and there I'll be. I'll be there quicker'n you can spit." – Ron Paul
Tiger Woods' Reputation Takes Another Hit After He Is Caught Operating A Coal Mine With Flagrant Disregard For OSHA Regulations #~# FAIRMONT, WV—In an announcement that has caused the golfer to lose further endorsement deals and degraded his already meager public esteem, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration released a report Monday citing a West Virginia coal mine owned by Tiger Woods for more than 400 violations. "This is one of the worst cases of workplace negligence we've seen in decades," said OSHA spokesman Mark Colson, adding that the mine has been the site of 24 deaths in the past five years. "I have to question if this man has any shred of conscience at all. His near total disregard for the people in his life who depend on him is simply staggering." The mine report is only the latest bad publicity for Woods, following March's revelation that he provided much of Bosnian genocidaire Slobodan Milosevic's political support in the late 1990s and January's news that he destroyed a painting he owned, a major work by Andy Warhol, in a sex accident.
'Avengers' Has Record Second Weekend #~# The Avengers became the first film to make more than $100 million domestically in its second weekend, and has now grossed more than $1 billion to date worldwide. What do you think?
Was Romney A Bully? #~# Former classmates of Mitt Romney have reported multiple incidents of bullying by the presidential candidate when he was a student at the prestigious Cranbrook preparatory school in Michigan. What do you think?
'Game Of Thrones' Running Out Of Unkempt Old Men To Cast #~# LOS ANGELES—According to insider sources, the future of HBO’s Game Of Thrones is currently in doubt, with the hit fantasy series facing a dire shortage of weather-beaten, bedraggled old men to cast.   “A lot of the big crowd scenes in season two really depleted the available pool of greasy-haired bearded actors over 70, and for the sake of continuity we can’t really reuse them,” executive producer D.B. Weiss said Monday, stressing the importance of having a minimum of one new elderly and disheveled male character in every episode of the epic drama. “I honestly don’t know what we’re going to do. In the third season, we have at least a dozen war room meetings to film, and you can’t shoot a war room meeting without having at least two or three poorly groomed old guys with big, tangly beards hanging around.”   The Game Of Thrones crisis is the latest in a series of casting woes to beleaguer HBO, which in March announced it had already used up its annual allocation of Steve Buscemi.
General Mills Gives Honey Nut Cheerios Bee Intense Backstory Of Childhood Foster Home Abuse In Bizarre Rebranding Effort #~# MINNEAPOLIS—In an unsettling attempt to increase brand visibility and broaden its demographic appeal, the General Mills corporation unveiled a new backstory for its iconic Honey Nut Cheerios bee character Monday, giving the cartoon insect a traumatic personal history of childhood abuse in a foster home.
JPMorgan Loses $2 Billion #~# JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon informed investors that a series of risky positions in synthetic credit securities had resulted in a $2 billion loss for the company. What do you think?
Prince Fielder Urges Rookie To Choke Up On Burrito #~# DETROIT—Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder reportedly shared years of veteran experience Wednesday by urging rookie pitcher to Drew Smyly to choke up on his burrito, claiming it would vastly improve his control and ability to make contact with the mouth. "First off, move in closer so you're directly over the plate and bend over more at the waist," said Fielder, who told Smyly to put his hands up higher on the burrito to make it shorter, lighter, and easier to swing around quickly. "You can loosen up your grip. You don't need to kill it. You just want to move it smoothly so you can find the gap. Actually, give me that burrito. That one's way too big for you. I like a huge barrel. I have them custom made for me, because I'm more of a power eater." Fielder also showed the first-year player how to prevent the burrito from slipping out of his hands by coating the tortilla in pine tar.
Cliffhanger High #~# Noggin
Guitar Music Fad Runs Course #~# CLEVELAND—Nearly six decades after electric-guitar-based rock and roll began its dominance of mainstream popular music, the fad has finally run its course, a group of fans, critics, and record industry executives confirmed Sunday. "At this point, who'd want to sit through another incendiary guitar solo?" said Eric Clapton, a guitarist. "There's really only so much you can do with the thing. The guitar has had a nice run, but it's time to move on." Confirming reports that six-string sales have plummeted, music store owners noted that business has been steady overall, with teenagers eager to put down $500 in hopes of riding to stardom on the new clarinet craze.
Goodell's Toughest Rulings #~# The frequency and severity of his punishments have earned NFL commissioner Roger Goodell a reputation as a strict disciplinarian. We look at some of the most notable.
Police Continue Investigation Into Body Found At Churchill Downs By Questioning Horse Of Interest #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—The Louisville Metro Police Department said Thursday it is following all leads in the murder of track worker Adan Fabian Perez, even bringing in Derby horse Daddy Long Legs for questioning as a horse of interest. "While the ongoing investigation prevents us from revealing more at this time, we can tell you that hoofprints were prevalent in and around the stable where the body was discovered," said police spokesman Dwight Mitchell, adding that while no charges have been filed, the horse will be kept in a holding stable for the evening. "Daddy Long Legs has thus far refused to speak to investigators, but we're hopeful that once his court-appointed attorney horse arrives he will be more cooperative." Mitchell concluded his press conference by emphasizing the challenging nature of the investigation, citing the vast numbers of people, horses, mice, flies, crows, spiders, hawks, jockeys, millipedes, raccoons, ticks, earthworms, and stray cats that had access to the barn where Perez was found.
$80 Million Movie Scrapped After Footage Reveals Brad Pitt Had Spinach Stuck In Teeth For Entire Film #~# LOS ANGELES—Director Andrew Dominik announced Saturday that he was forced to scrap a new $80 million motion picture after reviewing footage and finding that the film’s  star, Brad Pitt, had a piece of spinach wedged between his front teeth throughout the three-month shoot. “It’s unfortunate, because Brad’s performance was so great,” said Dominik, explaining that the spinach was visible in every scene in which Pitt opens his mouth. “We tried to salvage it by adding a brief prologue before the credits where he’s eating a bowl of spinach, but it’s still too distracting, particularly because of all the scenes where his fellow actors rub their tongues over their teeth and slyly point at their mouths.” Earlier in postproduction, Dominik noticed that Mary-Louise Parker had mustard smeared on her face, but that problem was quickly solved by digitally inserting hot dogs into her hands every time she appeared on screen.
5-Year-Old Announces Circle No Longer Her Favorite Shape #~# ALLENTOWN, PA—Radically reversing nearly three weeks of precedent, local 5-year-old Tricia Billings announced Saturday that the circle was no longer her favorite shape.
Not The New York Philharmonic #~# PBS
Tony Parker #~# San Antonio is looking like the team to beat in the NBA Playoffs, and French import Tony Parker has made the Spurs his own. Is he any good?
Roger Goodell Tells Junior Seau's Family To Throw Brain In His Trunk With The Rest Of Them #~# OCEANSIDE, CA—After paying his respects to the late Chargers great Wednesday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell acceded to Junior Seau's family's request to have the deceased linebacker's brain studied for the effects of repeated concussions, telling them to toss it in the trunk of his car with all the other brains of dead players he has collected. "Use that permanent marker to write his name on the jar or whatever, and then you can just go ahead and drop it in there," said Goodell, referring to the large plastic container of more than a dozen ex-player brains he keeps in his trunk. "Oh, and sorry for your loss." Goodell promised the family that the clinking sound made as the brains rolled around in his trunk would remind him to keep them moist, and that any damage to Seau's brain will be reported by a team of medical experts hired by the league, as long as they don't find anything too damning.
Gray Wolves Sighted In Capitol Building For First Time In 85 Years #~# Species Making Comeback In Senate Chambers, Excited Wildlife Experts Say
North Pacific Experiences Waste Surge #~# Researchers from the Scripps Institution of Oceanography found that plastic waste in the North Pacific has increased a hundredfold over the past 40 years. What do you think?
Kentucky Derby Winner Hoping He Won't Have To Repeat What Was Easily Most Traumatic Experience Of Life #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Shaken and trembling Kentucky Derby winner I'll Have Another, who came from behind and outside on the final turn to win the Kentucky Derby in a breathtaking display of speed and panic, is reportedly hoping that nothing like the 1-1/4-mile race ever happens to him again.
Brain Surgery Live Tweeted #~# A brain surgery performed at Houston's Memorial Hermann hospital was live-tweeted, complete with accompanying photos and video. What do you think?
Disney Reveals That Every Disney Movie Takes Place In Single, Unified Universe #~# BURBANK, CA—During the final installment of a three-part retrospective podcast on the film studio Thursday, longtime Disney illustrator Russell Schroeder revealed that every one of the company’s live-action and animated features takes place in a single, unified world. “Most people don’t know this was the way Walt Disney envisioned it, but every one of these films takes place in the same interconnected universe,” said Schroeder, explaining that Never Never Land is only five minutes away from the coral reef where Nemo lives along with Daryl Hannah’s character from Splash.” “The plot of the The Lion King may not be happening at the same time as Aladdin, but those characters are all there in that world while it’s going on. Of course, if the filmmakers had been so inclined, they could have had Jasmine hop into Herbie Fully Loaded and speed through Pride Rock on her way to see the Jonas Brothers’ 3D Concert Experience—that is, if she didn’t get tricked by Br’er Rabbit’s Tar Baby first.” When asked why more characters didn’t cross paths during their adventures, Schroeder responded that filmmakers have approached the collective kingdom rather cautiously ever since Bambi’s mother was mistaken for a rabid dog and shot by Travis from Old Yeller.
Gingrich Drops Out Of Presidential Race #~# Former House speaker Newt Gingrich formally announced he was ending his bid to become the Republican candidate for president last week. Here are some highlights from his yearlong campaign:
Ahmadinejad Kind Of Getting Back Into Old R.E.M. Again #~# TEHRAN—Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told reporters Thursday he was kind of getting back into old R.E.M. again, rediscovering his once-great passion for the alternative rock group's first six albums.
Dogs' Thoughts 'Read' With MRI #~# Using fMRI imagery, scientists were able to see which parts of the brain were activated when specially trained dogs were offered treats. What do you think?
Nation's Moms Invent New Recreational Drug To Worry About #~# DENVER—A new illicit drug that is incredibly cheap, highly addictive, and extremely easy to produce is appearing in school yards across the country, the fevered imaginations of the nation's mothers who need something to fret over confirmed today.
My Future Postman #~# Lifetime
North Carolina Bans Gay Marriage #~# By a margin of 58 to 42 percent, North Carolina voters approved an amendment to the state constitution that bans same-sex marriage. What do you think?
Fracking Industry Now Largest Employer Of Recent PR Graduates #~# SAN FRANCISCO—A new labor market study published Wednesday has found that oil companies with hydraulic fracturing interests have outpaced the tobacco industry, Wall Street, and the gun lobby to become the largest employer of recent college graduates with public relations degrees. "These days, media-savvy professionals who know how to publicize questionable scientific data in order to downplay the environmental dangers of forcing toxic fluids into the ground can pretty much write their own ticket," said Bart Hobijn of the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco, adding that this year at least 2,500 graduating seniors will be put to work obfuscating the levels of carcinogens in groundwater. "And in the long term, the job demand will only increase. Fracking has become a high-growth sector in which there is an extraordinary amount of spinning to be done." When asked how he enjoyed his new position with a Pittsburgh-based fracking operator, recently hired PR manager Matt Coleman said he believed the practice is a "safe, clean way to increase our natural gas reserves and reduce U.S. dependence on foreign oil."
Consumer Borrowing Increases In March #~# Overall borrowing, including credit card purchases and student loans, increased more in March than in any month in the past 10 years, pushing the total close to its level immediately preceding the recession. What do you think?
Obama Blasts Obama's Evasive Stance On Gay Marriage #~# 'The President Needs To Come Clean On His Views,' Obama Says
Loophole In Curse Lets Archaeologist Off The Hook #~# CUZCO, PERU—Mystic spirits guarding Sacsayhuamán Archaeological Park acknowledged Tuesday that a loophole in a centuries-old hex had allowed archaeologist Brian Bauer to violate the site's subterranean catacombs without being cursed. "When Professor Bauer entered the forsaken necropolis and disturbed the earthly remains of the fearsome warlord Lloque Yupanqui, a series of unspeakable horrors should have been visited upon him by the ancient forces of evil," said a spokesman for the temple guardians, explaining that because the spirits had left the sarcophagus lid slightly ajar, Bauer technically did not open it, as required by the curse. "While he did not violate the actual letter of the deathly incantations muttered within these walls ages ago, he certainly disrespected their intent. Let all mortals be warned that we are resealing the tomb and carefully reviewing all demon-conjuring bas-relief inscriptions to ensure that, going forward, no act of this kind goes uncursed." At press time, the spirits were deciphering the strange, forgotten language of a corollary to the original hex, hoping it would at least provide a sound basis for them to wreak grave misfortunes upon Professor Bauer's prospects for securing tenure next term.
Smoove Is Remodeling #~# It has been an unusual time for Smoove.
Steve Nash Has Emotional Goodbye With Host Family #~# PHOENIX—With his Suns season over and a new team likely in the future for free agent Steve Nash, the Canadian point guard spent an emotional final day with his American host family, the Berkleys, Sunday. "Steve has been such a joy to have around, so polite and such a great role model for [our son] Ben," said Lisa Berkley, Nash’s host mother, who Nash claimed makes the best mac and cheese he’s ever tasted. "He struggled to adjust a bit at first—there were a lot of tears that first year—but eventually people stopped picking on him and he really became part of the family. I’m going to miss driving him to practice every morning." Nash, who will be returning to his home country for the summer, said he expects to find hosts in another city in time for next season, adding that he hopes his next family lets him stay up just as late playing Xbox 360 as the Berkleys did.
Maurice Sendak Dead At 83 #~# Children's author Maurice Sendak, whose beloved book Where The Wild Things Are came out in 1963, died of complications from a recent stroke. What do you think?
Film 'Neighborhood Watch' Gets Name Change #~# The Fox film studio is changing the name of its comedy Neighborhood Watch to The Watch in order to distance it from the killing of Florida boy Trayvon Martin by a neighborhood watch representative. What do you think?
Maya Angelou Thought She’d Be Invited To More White House Stuff #~# WINSTON-SALEM, NC—Saying that she didn’t want to be presumptuous but had thought her celebrated literary career, numerous academic honors, and tireless political activism would put her "pretty high up" on guests lists, Maya Angelou told reporters Monday she just always assumed she would be invited to more White House stuff.  "I’m not saying I need to be a regular, but there’s stuff going on there pretty much every week that I’d be perfect for," said Angelou, adding that she was surprised last month when she was not invited to speak at "A Celebration of American Poetry, Past and Present," which she described as an event that was "so obviously in [her] wheelhouse." "I would have been more than happy to write a poem for, say, a Women’s History Month event featuring the first lady, but March went by and no one’s aide or secretary ever called—not once. C’mon, that’s bullshit." At press time, Angelou had circled the University of Kentucky basketball team’s White House visit on her calendar and said she plans to just show up and see what happens.
Mundane Sex #~# TLC
Greeks Reject Bailout-Supporting Politicians #~# Greeks handed a victory to anti-austerity politicians in Sunday's elections, which included a second-place finish for the Radical Left Coalition and victories for the extremist anti-immigrant party Golden Dawn. What do you think?
Rajon Rondo: 'I Have Too Many Father Figures On This Team' #~# BOSTON—At a press conference last week discussing his suspension for bumping a referee, Celtics guard Rajon Rondo blamed his conduct on having "too many role models and people to look up to" on the team to get a coherent idea of how he should act. "I had three different aging superstars, plus a coach who once played and has sons my age, giving me four different lectures about the bump," said Rondo, adding that he once tried to carry himself like Kevin Garnett, only to have all his other father figures tell him that is not how a professional should act. "I do act out from time to time, but I have no young teammates to compare my conduct to. Sometimes I wonder if these guys sort of need me to cause problems, because without me, they would have nobody to mentor." Rondo said he has talked to Celtics general manager Danny Ainge about adding a young player to the roster so he can have somebody his own age to play with, but Ainge just told him a story about asking the same thing of the Celtics GM when he was a player.
Ashton Kutcher Ad Pulled Amid Charges Of Racism #~# An ad for Popchips featuring Ashton Kutcher speaking in a stereotypical Indian accent and wearing brown-face makeup was pulled after a public outcry. What do you think?
Inaugural Paula Deen .05K Walk For Diabetes Research Course Map #~# The planned route for the .031-mile event. Full Story.
Paula Deen Sponsors .05K Walk For Diabetes Research #~# SAVANNAH, GA—Celebrity chef and restaurateur Paula Deen announced Monday that her recently launched Step for a Cure Foundation would host its first annual .05K fun walk on May 20 to raise money for Type 2 diabetes research.
'Supermoon' Biggest Of 2012 #~# Saturday's full moon reached perigee, the closest the satellite gets to Earth in its orbit, making it appear fuller and brighter than at any other time this year. What do you think?
This Is Fun, Right? #~# GSN
Rex Grossman Happy To Take An Afternoon To Teach Robert Griffin III Everything He Knows #~# WASHINGTON—Veteran Redskins quarterback Rex Grossman, who during his nine years in the NFL has earned a 56-60 touchdown-to-interception ratio and lost a Super Bowl with the Chicago Bears, said Friday he was willing to spend an afternoon mentoring Washington's prize draft pick, Heisman trophy winner Robert Griffin III. "I want to take him under my wing after lunch someday soon and teach him the finer points of standing tall in the pocket out of sheer inability to make up your mind where to throw the ball," said Grossman, who added that sharing his understanding of the Redskins' offense with Griffin could add up to an hour to their master-student relationship. "And of course, most young QBs come into the league unaware of the right technique for just hurling the ball as far downfield as you can just to make it look like you're being heroic when you're actually really confused. I hope he doesn't have plans before 7:30." Griffin reportedly thanked Grossman for his thoughtfulness, but asked if they couldn't really cover most of it over the phone.
Justice Breyer Unable To Look At Anything Without Deliberating Constitutionality Of It #~# WASHINGTON—U.S. Supreme Court justice Stephen Breyer told reporters this week that he cannot stop himself from deliberating over whether even the most mundane aspects of his personal life follow the dictates set out by the U.S. Constitution. "It's completely automatic now; without even thinking about it, I'll be staring at a cup of coffee and start mentally running through Third Circuit appeals that could potentially relate to it," said Breyer, who estimated he spent at least six hours of his free time Saturday contemplating the constitutionality of issues ranging from throwing garbage in a neighbor's trash can to a birthday card for his nephew, which certain creative property statutes might have applied to. "I was late to work this morning because I tried to figure out whether borrowing my wife's car would violate the Fourth Amendment's prohibitions on unreasonable seizure in light of the precedent set by—hold on, I should be writing this down." When reached for comment, the Supreme Court's other eight justices were unanimous in their sentiment that Breyer should really stop calling them at home.
Robert Griffin III #~# He may have been the second pick of the draft, but RG3 is by far the most intriguing pick. Is he any good?
Mohamed Sanu Very Disappointed To Discover Second Call From Bengals Not A Prank #~# CINCINNATI—New Bengals wide receiver Mohamed Sanu told reporters last week he had been "desperately relieved" to find out a phone call notifying him that Cincinnati had drafted him was a prank, but was later dejected when actual team representatives called to use a pick on him. "I have to admit, it was pretty funny when that kid told me the Bengals were drafting me in the first round, especially when I realized it was a joke," said Sanu, confirming the prankster "really had me going." "But the Bengals calling to say their disaster of a team actually was drafting me, just for a lot less money? What kind of sick human being does that?" Though acknowledging he cried when he first put on his Cincinnati jersey and realized he would be wasting away his youth playing for the Bengals, Sanu took solace in the fact that NFL careers are generally short and his dream of playing pro football would be over soon enough.
Half A Sleeve Of Oreos Lost In House Fire #~# NEWARK, DE—A three-alarm fire tore through a family home on Newark's East Side early Saturday morning, completely gutting the two-story residence and tragically claiming a half-sleeve of Oreo cookies that was trapped inside a cupboard.
NFL Draft Winners And Losers #~# The 2012 NFL Draft is in the books, and the speculation now begins as to which teams gained football players and which ones gambled away their entire futures.
Mosquitoes Don't Even Need To Bite Us, Study Shows #~# MINNEAPOLIS—According to a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Minnesota, mosquitoes have no physiological reason to bite humans, and in fact do so only out of spite. "For years, entomologists assumed members of the Culicidae family drew blood for sustenance, but as it turns out, they feed almost exclusively on pollen," said study author Dr. Robert Benenson, who explained the sociopathic insects either spit out human blood immediately after they bite, or else carry it from person to person, gratuitously killing millions as they spread diseases like malaria and dengue fever. "While there is literally zero biological necessity for their bloodsucking behavior, mosquitoes enjoy putting a damper on our outdoor activities and expend tremendous energy spreading deadly pestilence throughout the world. They just really, really hate us." Benenson noted that mosquitoes bite a variety of vertebrates besides humans and are especially fond of leaving itchy patches on the skin of baby pandas, koala bears, and very small puppies.
DEA Forgets Man In Cell For 4 Days #~# The Drug Enforcement Agency apologized to 23-year-old Daniel Chong for leaving him locked alone in a cell without food, water, or a toilet for four days. What do you think?
The Dandelion Gang #~# Nickelodeon
Jacksonville 3rd-Round Pick Punter Bryan Anger: 'I Will Punt The Jaguars To Greatness' #~# NEW YORK—Mere moments after becoming the highest-selected punter in the NFL Draft since 1995, Bryan Anger took the opportunity to thank the Jaguars and announce that he would do all he could to help punt the team to greatness.
Condo With All The Finest Craigslist Keywords! #~# Don't miss this gorgeous condo with WALL-TO-WALL ceilings, STAINLESS STEEL nails, and in-unit W/D (white doors). Your kids and pets will just love roaming the LARGE YARD-wide hallways! To schedule a viewing, contact real estate agent Ms. GRANITE H. COUNTERTOPS today! Reference number X33JS
Longtime Teacher Retires Without Changing A Single Student's Life #~# MARION, OH—Local residents on Friday struggled to recollect the legacy of educator Jerry Kowalski, 68, who next month will complete his 43-year teaching career without having had a lasting impact on the life of even one of his students. "Oh, yeah, that guy. English class, right? I kind of remember him," software manager and 1998 Harding High School graduate Andrew Dillard said of his former history teacher, who failed to impart a single life lesson or piece of unforgettable encouragement to any of the 7,178 students who passed through his classroom over the years. "I don't recall him offering advice or motivating me to make something of myself or anything like that, but I guess he was all right. I think he gave me a B, which was cool." In contrast, fellow faculty members said they would always remember their departing colleague as someone who sat in the corner of the teacher's lounge smoking and never said much.
'The Scream' Sells For $119.9 Million #~# Edvard Munch's expressionist drawing The Scream sold at Sotheby's for $119.9 million, the highest price ever paid for a work of art at auction. What do you think?
Cops Cleared On Corruption Charges After Implicating Decorated Police Dog #~# SARATOGA, NY—Less than 24 hours after being promoted to staff sergeant within the corruption-plagued Saratoga Police Department, decorated canine unit dog Chips was implicated by fellow officers Friday in a long series of felony misconduct charges, a development that has cleared all members of the force previously accused of the crimes. "It's really heartbreaking to see a good dog you admire and respect go down like this," recently exonerated narcotics detective Charles Mitchell said of the 82-pound German shepherd, who had previously been commended for bravery on eight separate occasions and is now being held on counts ranging from harassment and evidence tampering to shooting an unarmed citizen during an investigation. "I felt really conflicted about turning evidence on him, but he was somehow able to steal 18 pounds of marijuana from a bust we worked together and then hide it in my garage, so what was I supposed to do?" Other absolved officers added that Chips' arrest is especially difficult for the precinct after last month's suicide of police horse Ranger, who hung himself from a beam in his stable while under investigation for defrauding the department's pension fund of tens of thousands of dollars.
Remembering Dick Clark #~# Dick Clark, the creator and longtime host of American Bandstand and Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, died on Apr. 18 of a heart attack. Here are some highlights from the beloved TV personality’s life:
Murdoch Blasted As Not Fit To Lead #~# The British Parliament released a 125-page report on the News Corp phone-hacking scandal that concluded CEO Rupert Murdoch was unfit to govern a major media company. What do you think?
Thing With Old Girlfriend Works With New Girlfriend #~# BOSTON—According to local man Peter McCarthy, an endearing behavior that once helped him nurture companionship and intimacy with ex-girlfriend Kara Banachek is currently allowing him to do the same with new girlfriend Alyssa Michals. "Kara used to love it when I made funny faces and tried to get her to laugh when she was talking on the phone, and it turns out Alyssa gets a kick out of that too," the 29-year-old said Wednesday, acknowledging he has also taken advantage of the fresh audience to recycle such tried-and-true practices as stroking back the hair from Michals' forehead before kissing her and nuzzling the back of her neck as the two drift off to sleep. "I do feel kind of guilty about it, and, yeah, they'd probably both be pissed if they found out, but realistically that's not ever going to happen, so who's it hurting?" McCarthy said he was still feeling out the use of his old pet name for Banachek—"Kare Bear"—on Michals and was prepared to "go back to the drawing board" should his new girlfriend grow suspicious.
Obama Asks Staff To Try To Include National Security Adviser A Little More #~# 'He's Having A Tough Time Fitting In,' Sympathetic Commander In Chief Says
Operation Repo #~# truTV
Jessica Simpson Has Baby #~# Former reality TV star Jessica Simpson gave birth to a 9-pound, 13-ounce daughter, Maxwell Drew Johnson, on Tuesday. What do you think?
Secret Service's Prostitution Scandal Did Not Affect President's Security, White House Adviser Madame Chartreuse Says #~# WASHINGTON—The alleged misconduct of Secret Service personnel accused of soliciting prostitutes in Colombia last month did not at any time compromise President Obama's security, longtime White House adviser Madame Chartreuse said during a press conference today. "My girls know the rules: Be discreet about everything you see and never take in agents who are on duty, no exceptions," said Madame Chartreuse, adjusting her pearl-buttoned crimson corset as she lit a brown cigarillo and sipped from a snifter of absinthe. "I run a classy operation, just ask anyone. Johns gotta wash up beforehand, no slappin' the girls around, and no opium." Madame Chartreuse added that anyone who sees "that no-good son-of-a-bitch [Vice President] Joe Biden" should tell him that, if he wants his embroidered leather trousers back, he will have to pay for all the stained-glass lamp shades he's broken.
Wind Farms Cause Local Warming #~# Researchers studying four large wind farms in Texas found that the turbine movement caused the average ground temperature in the area to increase nearly one degree Celsius. What do you think?
Anxiety-Ridden Man Rightly Ashamed Of Every Single Thing He Does #~# 'We Are All Silently Judging Him At Every Moment, Just As He Suspects,' Acquaintances Say
Occupy Calls For General Strike #~# The Occupy movement has declared May 1 to be a day of national protest and has asked people not to go to work, conduct banking, or go shopping. What do you think?   
Grizzlies Annoyed They Went To Bed Instead Of Watching Clippers Improbable Comeback #~# MEMPHIS—Grizzlies players expressed frustration during a press conference Monday, admitting they regretted having gone to bed early and missed out on seeing one of the most improbable comebacks in NBA history as the Clippers overcame a 27-point deficit to defeat the Grizzlies 99-98. "We thought the game was over, just like I'm sure everybody else did, so we decided to hit the sack. I'm pissed, because it would have been cool to see such a once-in-a-lifetime finish," said small forward Rudy Gay, who was already resting up for his Wednesday game against Los Angeles when the buzzer sounded on the Clippers' comeback. "That kind of determination and refusal to give up would have been pretty inspiring for our team to see, especially now that we're down a game in the playoffs." Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins is standing by his decision to send the team to bed early, claiming he hates it when players are tired and grumpy during practice.
An Entomologist's Dream! #~# Cozy bungalow perfect for the professional or amateur insect enthusiast. While away the hours studying a decades-old interior roach colony and the complex series of anthills dotting the quaint, private yard, or be the first to identify this property’s numerous other resident species, including nests of fat spiders with yellow stripes and something with at least fifty legs. Reference number 348R3
Some Engineer Currently Designing Better ESPN Telestrator Instead Of Surgical Equipment #~# BRISTOL, CT—Despite the medical field's growing need for better real-time imaging technology, faster-acting broad-spectrum protein-identification lasers, and portable cancer-marker biosensors, at least one guy who's more than qualified for the job is currently slapping together a better telestration array for ESPN, sources said Tuesday. "I think we could probably scan the field with point-focused IR sources and get a rough 3-D image of the play in progress," a man capable of developing equipment that could help surgeons locate difficult-to-find metastatic melanomas said while gazing at a scale model of Chicago's Soldier Field. "This'll be a lifesaver to the guys in the booth." Elsewhere on the ESPN campus, a group of professionals with the analytical and statistical-modeling know-how to make the American manufacturing sector commercially viable again were put to work calculating the Pittsburgh Pirates' chances of winning the 2012 World Series.
New Visa Talking Credit Card Urges Buyers To Go For It #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Financial services giant Visa held a press event Tuesday to introduce "Visa Voice," a new line of talking credit cards that urges shoppers to just go ahead and buy it if that's what they really want. "Whenever you're near an item you're hesitant to purchase, Visa Voice offers words of encouragement, such as 'Come on, just go for it!' and 'Trust me—you're not gonna regret this,'" Visa president John Partridge said of the groundbreaking new payment product, which allows users to select between a calm, supportive female voice and a morally authoritative male voice. "If you're still not convinced after 30 seconds, the card will begin whispering, 'You know you want it,' and repeat the phrase a bit louder each time until cardholders have received the verbal reassurance needed to just say, 'Fuck it—I'm getting this.'" Partridge added that if customers exceed their credit limit, the card falls silent and quickly changes the subject.
As Long As My Child Does Something That Makes Him Happy And Wins The National Book Critics Circle Award For Fiction, I’ll Be Proud #~# When you become a new parent, everything changes. The first time I looked into the trusting, innocent eyes of my newborn son, all my old, selfish priorities were swept aside in an instant. Now, everything was about him, not me. I knew right then I'd always be the proudest father on earth, just so long as he does something with his life that brings him true happiness and wins him the National Book Critics Circle Award for Fiction.
Tourist Ban In Dutch Pot Cafés Upheld #~# A law prohibiting everyone but Dutch natives and permanent residents from visiting marijuana cafes was upheld in court last week. What do you think?
Bud Selig #~# Major League Baseball's ninth commissioner has presided over the sport's steroid era, gimmicky All-Star games, the introduction of interleague play, an all-out strike, and the most lucrative period in baseball history. Is he any good?
Bill Simmons Releases 2,000-Page Book Exploring How Fucking Clever He Is #~# BOSTON—Grantland and ESPN sports columnist Bill Simmons has written a new book titled Wit, Brilliance, Insight, Simmons, a semiautobiographical amalgam of sports, pop culture, and American history as seen through the unique lens of how goddamn ingenious Simmons is.
Hottest 12 Months On Record #~# The period between May 2011 and April 2012 was the hottest since record-keeping began in 1895. What do you think?
Whatevs House #~# This house is pretty cool. It can get a little hot in the summertime, but no big deal. It's pretty roomy. Has a nice deck. The kitchen isn't the biggest in the world, but it works. Anyway. You can have it if you want. Or not. Either way. Reference #965RMM
David Duval Still Shilling Nike Golf Products Years After Contract Runs Out #~# CHERRY HILLS VILLAGE, CO—Even though his sponsorship deal with Nike expired more than eight years ago, former world No. 1 golfer David Duval is still appearing on courses and in stores actively promoting the brand's products to anyone who will listen, sources confirmed Thursday. "He's in here about twice a week putting a Nike VR Pro driver in somebody's hands and asking them to take a few swings," said local Sports Authority manager Aaron Camacho, adding that Duval hangs around the store's golf aisles in his full Nike gear for hours at a time. "We've thought about kicking him out, but he's used and read about these products more than any of us on staff, and to tell you the truth, he's purchased more of our Nike stuff than any other customer." Though Nike officials have reportedly thanked Duval for his loyalty and sent him free products in an effort to persuade him to disassociate himself from the company, he continues to be seen in public wearing a threadbare Nike shirt adorned with the brand's patch honoring the victims of 9/11.
Killings Of Environmentalists On The Rise #~# According to a report from the group Global Witness, murders of environmental activists have risen dramatically over the past three years. What do you think?
Overhead Bins Grow To Hold Larger Carry-Ons #~# Several airlines, including Delta, American, and United, are buying new planes with larger overhead bins or retrofitting older planes to accommodate larger carry-on bags. What do you think?
Your Dream Home! #~# Sometimes, dreams do come true. Not this time, though. Buy this mediocre home and then imagine you live somewhere much, much better. Back deck with light wood rot an ideal place to fantasize about a superior domicile. Reference #45234536
Area Man Pretty Sure He Knows Which Athletes Are Gay #~# TOLEDO, OH—Area man Arnold Pera, 26, bragged to several of his friends Sunday that "nine times out of 10" he can tell whether an athlete is gay or not. "Sometimes it's the way they talk or interact with their teammates, but a lot of times I can tell just by watching them play," said Pera, directing his friends' attention to a TV screen at the bar in order to point out a pitcher's windup that he described as "a telltale sign of a total homo." "No athletes really ever come out and say they're gay, but they might as well, because it's totally obvious. I could easily tell you 20 or 30 gay basketball players right off the top of my head." While Pera claims to have mastered the ability of deciphering athletes' sexual orientations simply by watching them, the married father of two has reportedly not yet picked up on the one overwhelming piece of evidence that he, himself, is homosexual.
Scientists To DNA Test Bigfoot Evidence #~# Scientists from Oxford University have reached out to cryptozoologists to collect any purported biological evidence left behind by Sasquatches or yetis to be DNA tested. What do you think?
U.S. Facing Helium Shortage #~# With its helium reserves rapidly depleting, the United States faces a shortage expected to have a detrimental effect on certain sectors of the economy. What do you think?
Mike Holmgren Finally Admits To Friends That He's Working For Cleveland Browns #~# CLEVELAND—After asking friends and loved ones to assemble at his home so he could "finally come clean," Mike Holmgren made a tearful admission Sunday night, at last revealing he works for the Cleveland Browns and has been doing so for more than two years. "I know some of you probably feel angry that I've been hiding things from you, but I think you understand why I wouldn't want people to know about this," said Holmgren, choking up as he clutched the hand of his wife, who separated from him for a period after he confessed to her late last year. "And obviously, I did hide it. No, I didn't buy a house in Cleveland because I won a lifetime pass to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on the radio. And all those times I told you I was going to watch the Browns, it wasn't because I was scouting them. It was because I'm actually responsible for running the whole franchise." With the support of his friends, Holmgren agreed to seek help and next week will check himself into a rehab program located in the Packers' front office.
Syrian Fighter Pilot Granted Asylum #~# Defecting from the Assad regime, a Syrian air force colonel flew his Russian-made jet to Jordan, where he was granted asylum. What do you think?
Behind The Down Pillow #~# TLC
Americans Pool Together $945.23 To Counteract Corporate Money's Influence In Politics #~# WASHINGTON—Spurred into action by the surge of Super PAC donations ahead of November's general election, the American people this week collectively managed to raise $945.23 to offset the influence of corporate spending on politics. "Today we take a stand against big money's stranglehold on the U.S. electoral system and give a voice back to the voters," said spokesman Danny Bader, an unemployed carpenter who scraped together $1.10 as part of the effort to counteract the unlimited number of undisclosed independent expenditures corporations are legally allowed to make. "With these funds, we will print some pamphlets and hopefully get a website up, and we will send a clear message that billions in shadowy spending will not buy this election." At press time, the American people were struggling to raise an additional $65 for another dozen T-shirts.
Mike Tyson's One-Man Broadway Show #~# Spike Lee will direct Mike Tyson as the retired boxer brings his life story to Broadway with a one-man show. Here’s what theatergoers can expect:
Evolutionary Biologist Discovers Common Human Ancestor At Cousin's Wedding #~# MONTEREY, CA—Evolutionary biologist Scott Gerhardt told reporters Saturday he may have gained valuable insight into his family's evolutionary arc after discovering a common human ancestor in attendance at his cousin's wedding. "This organism's distinct markings place him within the same genus as both myself and my cousin Gary, if not that of my entire mother's side," Gerhardt posited of the nearby quadruped, which at press time appeared to be hibernating in a wheelchair near the buffet table. "Judging from the angle of his brow and the length of his shinbones, it would seem he lives a largely sedentary life. And from what I can see of his incisors, he likely feeds on both plant and animal material, much in the same manner as my Aunt Harriet—and myself, for that matter. Could it be possible he and I are cut from the same phylogenetic cloth?" Confirming it was too early to draw a conclusive link between himself and his potential primogenitor, the biologist said he hoped that once the dancing started he would get a chance to wheel the creature back to his laboratory for further examination.
Report: Baseball Favorite Sport Of Many Detroit Tigers Players #~# DETROIT—Though their differing ages, nationalities, and backgrounds would suggest a greater divergence of opinions on the world of athletics, most Detroit Tigers players say baseball is their favorite sport, clubhouse sources reported Saturday. "We're all into sports around here, but I would say we talk more about baseball than anything else," said Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander, adding that he and his teammates follow baseball "pretty closely." "I liked a lot of different stuff when I was younger, but since leaving college and starting a busy career, I've found I'm paying more attention to baseball than other sports." Though many of the team's players are high-powered millionaires, sources said most decorate their lockers with simple bats, balls, and other types of baseball souvenirs, and wear baseball paraphernalia while they are working.
Last Shaman Standing #~# Bravo
Justice Department Sues 2 Polygamous Communities #~# The U.S. Department of Justice is suing the communities of Colorado City, AZ and Hildale, UT, alleging a pattern of discrimination against residents who do not belong to the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. What do you think?
Tear-Stained Final Words #~# "If you somehow gather the mental wherewithal to collect 30 UPC labels and mail them to our promotions department, we'll send you an Old Milwaukee pen and notepad set, perfect for scrawling down your tear-stained final words." – Old Milwaukee advertising director Jill Eisenhard
Romney Stares Uncomprehendingly At $1 Bill #~# POCATELLO, ID—A $1 bill somehow made its way into the hands of Mitt Romney during a campaign stop Thursday, reportedly causing the Republican presidential candidate a moment of uncomprehending fascination. "What am I looking at here? What is this?" said Romney, squinting at the bill as he turned it over and over in his hands. "It almost looks like money, but it's missing the zeroes. Huh. Do people try to buy things with this?" Romney finally crumpled up the bill and threw it away, chuckling as he told reporters that "whoever thought that one up must be a real wiseacre."
Phil Mickelson's Shower Caddy Recommends Sudsy 9-Iron #~# RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—Approaching the halfway point of a solid round of bathing Sunday, Phil Mickelson followed the advice of his shower caddy and used a sudsy 9-iron for his approach shot instead of the shampoo-covered pitching wedge he had originally intended to swing. "Look at the location of the drain and the way the water's running," whispered shower caddy Jim Mackay, removing the loofah from a driver so Mickelson could wash his back between shots. "Just play it safe and avoid the hazard, then worry about making up ground in your next shower." While the advice proved helpful, Mickelson and his caddy unfortunately had a heated exchange only minutes later, when Mackay misread the slope of the tub, causing Mickelson to slip and fall in his attempt to step out.
Eating Disorders Common Among Older Women #~# A study by researchers at the University of North Carolina found that 13 percent of women 50 years of age and older had an eating disorder such as binge-eating or bulimia, including many women over the age of 75. What do you think?
New Commercials For Old Milwaukee Beer Feature Group Of Friends Contemplating Suicide #~# WOODRIDGE, IL—Old Milwaukee beer announced Friday the launch of a new series of commercials featuring a group of friends despondently contemplating suicide while drinking the alcoholic beverage and sitting in darkened apartments.
Fixer-"Downer"! #~# This place is so nice you can't help but kick in a few doors, smash some windows, and just mess shit up. Reference #2680
Sandusky Angry He's Not Going To Be Allowed To Tell The Tender, Romantic Side Of The Story #~# BELLEFONTE, PA—As jurors began deliberations Thursday on charges that he sexually abused 10 boys over a 15-year period, former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky—who did not testify during his trial—expressed regret over being denied a chance to tell "the sweet, loving, tender, and romantic part of the story" that he felt the jury had a right to hear.
Frustrated Bob Ley Tasked With Explaining Concept Of Europe To ESPN Viewers #~# BRISTOL, CT—Assigned to provide commentary over SportsCenter's Euro 2012 highlights Tuesday night, ESPN anchor Bob Ley was forced to explain first the existence of Europe to the show's audience, a daunting task that clearly frustrated him. "You know how we say the U.S. is a country? Well, Europe is many countries put together, and people live in them just like people live here," said Ley, rushing through his script as England and Ukraine played on screen, and failing to make it through even a brief overview of the continent's history or why it was relevant, much less who Wayne Rooney is or why it was good that the ball bounced off his head at the end of the field. "Over by where the Red Sox play is some water called the Atlantic Ocean, and on the other side of the water is Europe… Okay, let's just leave it at that. I've probably lost most of you by now." Ley then went on to highlights of the Sweden-France match, simplifying things by just calling the two foreign nations the "Blue Jays" and the "Expos."
Eco-Conscious Marketing Firm Developing Alternative Sources Of Synergy #~# PORTLAND, OR—Marketing firm Green Solutions announced Wednesday that it was developing environmentally friendly alternatives to the nonrenewable sources of synergy, global positioning, and blue-sky thinking currently used to fuel the nation's corporations. "We take an eco-friendly approach to packaging and presenting what our clients have to offer," said Anthony Marino, the firm's founder and CEO. "With green, clean, responsible solutions, we believe businesses can sustain brand awareness while also treading gently upon the world's markets." Marino confirmed that while his firm's innovations had not yet been widely implemented, they were currently being tested in areas considered dangerously low in buzz.
New Internet Destinations Created #~# The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) is sifting through candidates for new Internet suffixes to join .com and .net, and suggestions so far have included .book, .amazon, and .cloud. Here are some of the other proposed domain suffixes:
Report: Moderate Drinking May Not Affect Fetus #~# A Danish study suggests that drinking low to moderate amounts of alcohol in the early months of pregnancy may not be harmful to the baby. What do you think?
Woman, Gay Best Friend Go On Another One Of Their Little Adventures #~# PASADENA, CA—With the intention of letting loose, hitting the town, and maybe even "getting into a little mischief," Christine Fehrman, 33, and her closest gay friend Paul Daganais, 28, have embarked on yet another one of their special little adventures, sources confirmed Thursday.
Groomzillas #~# Spike
Assange Seeks Asylum In Ecuador #~# Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, who is currently awaiting extradition from the UK to Sweden to face rape and sexual assault charges, has taken refuge in the Ecuadorean embassy in London and is seeking political asylum in the South American country. What do you think?
Dead Daughter Would Have Wanted $220 Million Liability Settlement #~# ASHEVILLE, NC—The deceased daughter of James and Martha Hagerty would have wanted her parents to relentlessly pursue a $220 million liability settlement against the manufacturer of the allegedly defective merchandise that caused her death, the family announced Wednesday. "While Kaylee is no longer with us, we know she'd be absolutely heartbroken if we agreed to a payout that didn't reach well into the nine figures," read a statement from the Hagertys, who have fought tooth and nail to secure a multimillion-dollar penalty from Nordic Window Fashions, the company they contend sold faulty pull-cord venetian blinds and thus bears responsibility for Kaylee's fatal 2009 strangulation. "Wherever my baby girl is now, she's looking down on us and smiling as we initiate proceedings toward a multipart civil settlement that includes lump-sum compensatory and punitive damages, along with attorneys' fees and prejudgment interest." The Hagertys' lead attorney, Bryson Tuttle of Tuttle-Wembert P.C., echoed his clients' sentiment, adding that Kaylee would never have settled for Nordic's latest offer of $150 million and would in fact have considered it "a complete insult."
Rich and Famous #~# "I'm rich and famous, and everyone wants to be me. That doesn't make me a bully. That just makes me better than most people." – Donald Trump
Greece Votes In Pro-Euro Party #~# With the center-right political party New Democracy placing first in Greece's parliamentary elections, the fiscally troubled nation appears poised to remain in the 17-nation eurozone. What do you think?
Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day #~# NEW YORK—Real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump reportedly stood before his bedroom's full-length mirror Wednesday morning and stared forlornly at his aged, shriveled penis before getting dressed and leaving his residence in Manhattan's Trump Tower to start the day.
Little Weird White House #~# Live out your fantasies of having drivers-by wonder what your deal is. Unkempt garden with broken wheelbarrow and a rusty shed in back. Reference #347512
Hebrew National Hot Dogs Not Kosher? #~# A lawsuit filed against ConAgra Foods alleges its Hebrew National brand of hot dogs are not produced in strict accordance with Orthodox Jewish law, and therefore not kosher, despite being marketed as such. What do you think?
I Think I'd Make A Pretty Good HBO Show #~# I don't think I'm talking out of turn here when I say that, as far as historical eras are concerned, I am probably one of the richest and most exciting periods in Western history. That's not me bragging; it's just a generally accepted truth at this point. After all, not every century of a nation's past can boast successive international wars, a radical intellectual movement, and a bloody revolution, but I've got all of that and then some. In fact, one would be pretty hard-pressed to find a period more compelling and ripe for gripping drama than myself.
Latest Apple Maps Leaves Out Mass Transit #~# The latest mobile operating system for the iPhone and iPad has drawn criticism for omitting public transportation options from its Maps application. What do you think?
Herman Cain Endorses Who Gives A Fuck #~# DOESN'T MATTER—Business magnate and former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain briefly returned to the spotlight Tuesday to announce he would lend his support to the campaign of nobody gives a flying fuck what Herman Cain has to say. "After serious consideration and soul-searching, I've decided to support [no one gives a shit about you, your political beliefs, and certainly not who you think should be president of the United States]," said the short-lived media phenomenon, reading from a prepared statement that in a sense does not exist if no one agrees to read or listen to it. "I [Just shut the fuck up now. We don't care. People are going to stop paying attention to you now and you are going to go away]." At press time, Donald Trump you've got to be kidding me, no way, nuh-uh, not even if he's announcing he invented a fucking time machine, I'm sorry, I just can't.
Teen Fetus #~# MTV
Romney Promises 'The Opposite' Of Obama On Israel #~# This past weekend, Mitt Romney vowed that he would look at what President Obama has done regarding Israel and "do the opposite." What do you think?
Grandfather's Advice Pretty Bad For Someone Who's Lived That Long #~# NORTH AUGUSTA, SC—According to household sources, the Sederquest family was astounded by the glut of terrible advice offered Sunday by grandfather Bill Sederquest, with several younger members marveling at the fact that someone who has been alive since 1937 could have so little wisdom to offer. "He kept telling me I didn't have to be in love to get married, saying that as soon as I settled down with a woman and started having kids, I'd just get used to it," said 17-year-old grandson Cody, whose grandfather also told him it was important to drive everywhere, as it would show people he was able to afford a nice car and gasoline. "I know I'm supposed to be respectful, but I have no idea how to respond when he tells me that if a guy's giving me trouble, I should punch him in the back of the head when he's not looking." Family members said they were also dismayed to learn that grandmother Eileen plans to pass her awful recipes down to the next generation.
'Dallas' Update Draws 7 Million Viewers #~# TNT's Dallas, a continuation of the classic 1980s prime-time soap opera, premiered Wednesday with 6.9 million viewers, the most of any new scripted show on cable this year. What do you think?
Americans Enjoying 3 Months Of Vegging Out Before Responsibilities Of Fall Programming Resume #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they just need to relax after a "grueling" nine months of watching television, Americans across the nation are reportedly using the summer to recuperate before they take on the demanding responsibility of 2012's fall programming lineup.
Documentary About Something Jewish #~# PBS
62-Year-Old Colt Wins Belmont Stakes Senior Event #~# ELMONT, NY—Dark Star, the colt best known for his victory at the 1953 Kentucky Derby, made it to the winner's circle once again Friday, when the 62-year-old earned his fifth victory in the Senior Belmont Stakes. "He's not the kind of horse you're ever going to retire. He's a competitor," said jockey Felix Meneses, who led Dark Star to the win in a record 34 minutes and 19 seconds. "He tried to lie down and sleep there for a while on the backstretch, but once I got the whip into him, he was good to go. I mean, his breathing was kind of ragged and he was leaning against the rail the whole time, but he wanted this win, and he got it." Three of the 10 horses in the field, including 1941 Triple Crown winner Whirlaway, perished from exhaustion during the running.
U.S. Improves Infrastructure With Transnational Power Strip #~# WASHINGTON—In a sweeping effort aimed at overhauling the nation's aging infrastructure, the United States on Sunday unveiled a 3,000-mile transnational power strip, which officials said would provide Americans with 126 billion new electrical outlets. "Stretching from Maryland to California, this magnificent power strip will ensure that all our citizens have the ability to plug in as many devices as they want without all that fussing and fumbling with tangled-up cords," said Energy Secretary Steven Chu, adding that the $500 billion device was equipped with both three-prong and two-prong outlets. "Those living to the north or south of the strip may require extension cords up to 600 miles long, funding for which will be provided at the state level." Critics of the new power supply have claimed that residents tripping over the wire connected to the Hoover Dam caused this morning's nationwide blackouts.
Report: Dad Proud Of You; He Won't Say It, But It's True #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Sunday by the Pew Research Center, even though he doesn't always show it and certainly never says it, your father is very proud of you. "He actually talks about you all the time with his coworkers and the friends he plays golf with on Sundays," the report reads in part, stating that while it may seem as if he has little interest in your career, your dad really respects how hard you've worked—regardless of the fact that every time you see him he manages to make a sarcastic little comment about your profession while going out of his way to praise your sister. "You should have seen the smile on his face when he found out you were coming home for Fourth of July weekend." The report concluded that it's just your dad's way, and the sooner you accept it and understand that you will never be able to change him, the happier you'll be.
Capricious God Violently Shakes Ant Farm Day After Bestowing Orange Slices Upon Colony #~# APPLETON, WI—Less than 24 hours after their god bestowed two delicious orange slices upon them, local ants reported the capricious deity had picked up the entire ant farm in which they live and shaken it violently, leaving many to wonder what they had done to incur the all-powerful being's deadly wrath.
American Under-Preppers #~# National Geographic
Stress Up Since 1983 #~# According to a Carnegie Mellon University study, stress levels in the United States increased 18 percent for women and 24 percent for men between 1983 and 2009. What do you think?
Manny Teaches Minor-League Teammates About God's Son Who Was Nailed To Two Crossed Bats #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Speaking reverently as he shared his newfound religious faith, Sacramento River Cats designated hitter Manny Ramirez reportedly taught his triple-A teammates Monday about God's only son, who gave his life for mankind when he was nailed to two crossed bats by a mean Roman umpire.
Why We Hate LeBron #~# No one denies that LeBron James is a phenomenal young talent who has turned in some almost supernaturally good performances, but he's still generally unloved by fans. Here's why:
Peer Group Forces Man To Have Opinion On 'Weird Al' #~# SANTA FE, NM—After 17 years of not thinking about "Weird Al" Yankovic, 31-year-old Tony Gilman was pressured into having and expressing a definite opinion on the popular novelty singer by members of his peer group Friday. "Sure, I listened to 'Fat' when I was a kid, but I wouldn't call myself a fan or anything," Gilman told reporters while socializing with friends at a bar. "And since I never thought of him as being highly regarded, I don't fall into the 'overrated' camp. That said, it's a bit of a stretch to call 'Weird Al' an 'underappreciated genius.' I mean, the guy is a parodist, for one, which in my view automatically makes him… Wait. I'm doing it. God fucking damn it." When the conversation turned to the Showtime program Dexter, Gilman left the table to go play darts.
Obama Losing Global Appeal #~# A Pew Research Center poll indicates that President Barack Obama’s popularity is slipping around the globe, due in part to disapproval of drone airstrikes. What do you think?
Lance Armstrong's Bike: 'It Was Me' #~# AUSTIN, TX—Following formal charges of performance-enhancing drug use brought by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency against Lance Armstrong on Wednesday, Armstrong's longtime bicycle has stepped forward to take full responsibility. "I can no longer keep silent—it was me all along," said the bicycle, admitting it had engaged in a full regimen of transfusions, EPO use, and other forms of blood manipulation throughout Armstrong's entire career. "I was doping for every one of Lance's and my Tours de France, and now it's time for me to face the consequences. I apologize for what this has done to my family, to my friends, and to Lance, my longtime partner." Armstrong refused comment on the issue, saying only that he maintained his own innocence and hoped his bicycle would get the help it obviously needed.
Sunday, June 17 #~# There will be a street fair this Sunday on Ennis Street, so all who live in the area are invited to crane their necks out their windows sporadically between 1 and 5:30 p.m.
HBO Apologizes For Bush Decapitation #~# Republicans are angry following an admission by the creators of the HBO series Game Of Thrones that a scene in the season-one finale featured a severed replica of former president George W. Bush’s head on a pike. What do you think?
NHL Gives Kings List Of Things Stanley Cup Is Allergic To #~# LOS ANGELES—Moments after the Kings took turns hoisting the Stanley Cup in celebration of their championship victory Monday, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman gave the team instructions on caring for the trophy and distributed a six-page, stapled document listing everything it's allergic to. "First off: I know you guys are really excited, but no latex," Bettman told Kings captain Dustin Brown, puffing his cheeks and gesturing with his arms away from his sides to demonstrate how the trophy swells up. "And absolutely no gluten. Seriously, don't even breathe on the Cup if you've just eaten pasta, let alone kiss it. Damn thing will be covered in hives for days." Bettman also had every member of the squad practice injecting the Stanley Cup with its EpiPen, instructing the Kings to put the needle through the ring section listing the 1974 champion Philadelphia Flyers, which is already riddled in scar tissue anyway.
The Legacy Of Ray Bradbury #~# Pioneering science-fiction author Ray Bradbury, who wrote such books as Fahrenheit 451 and The Martian Chronicles, died last week at the age of 91. Here are some of the works he leaves behind:
'It's Been An Honor, Gentlemen,' Shift Supervisor Says As Giant Vat Of Molten Cheese Erupts #~# NEW GLARUS, WI—As the walls of the molten-cheese containment unit groaned and the massive vat of coagulated milk curd began to give way, shift supervisor Derek Preston addressed his staff for the last time Thursday, bidding the close-knit team farewell. "Gentlemen, it appears we have reached the end," Preston told the ragtag group of workers gathered around him before pausing for a moment of silence to honor their fallen colleague Walter Timm, who had bravely attempted to vent the excess cheese buildup by diving to the bottom of the vat to wrench open a stuck valve. "I'm proud to have served with all of you. Are we heroes? That's ultimately for history to decide, but goddamn it, you're all heroes in my eyes." At press time, the remaining employees gave one another a final nod before standing together, undaunted and with hands clasped behind their backs, as the encroaching wall of piping-hot cheese drew nearer and nearer.
Town Fines For Public Cursing #~# The town of Middleborough, MA voted to impose a $20 fine on anyone using obscene language in public. What do you think?
Middle-Aged Woman Angrily Demanding Price Check On Rice Pudding Was Once Carefree Youth, Onlookers Speculate #~# WESTBROOK, ME—Once, perhaps very many years ago, the enraged 42-year-old woman currently berating a Hannaford supermarket cashier over the price of a package of Kozy Shack rice pudding was a buoyant, free-spirited youth, bystanders imagined Thursday.
Don't Trust The B—— In Apartment 23 #~# ABC
First Lady Joins Pinterest #~# Michelle Obama joined the social networking site Pinterest, adding photos of her family and her garden. What do you think?
Few Years In Military Would Have Really Straightened Out Troubled Teen Killed On First Tour Of Afghanistan #~# KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN—Friends, family, and colleagues of 19-year-old U.S. Marine Alex Penzerton were saddened Wednesday upon learning he had been killed by a roadside bomb and was thus deprived of the life-changing opportunity a few years in the military might have afforded him. "Alex was a troubled kid who really could have benefitted from the kind of structured environment an organization like the Marines provides," said Penzerton's father, David, holding the flag the Corps had shipped home to him. "I'm sure he would have straightened himself out if he'd just had a few more months in the service and survived into his 20s." Also killed in the attack was 26-year-old Cpl. Damon Siggs, who sources said was in his fourth tour of duty and had really turned his life around with the discipline he learned as a Marine.
Americans' Wealth Down 40% #~# The median net worth of American families has fallen from $126,400 in 2007 to $77,300 in 2012, bringing middle-class wealth back down to 1992 levels. What do you think?
Romney Spends Most Of Factory Visit Yelling At Employees To Work Harder #~# NORTHFIELD, OH—Sources at the Gregson-Turner Paper Co. confirmed that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney spent the vast majority of his visit to the company's Ohio-based factory Tuesday yelling at employees to work harder.
Friday, June 15 #~# The Adams High School 10th-grade jock clique would like to remind all the stupid faggots in their class that they will be egging their cars or smashing their mailboxes with baseball bats this Friday night, weather permitting.
Heat/Thunder #~# The 2012 NBA Finals pits a little-liked team stocked with superstars against a classic lovable underdog. Here's what our analysts say everyone must do in pursuit of victory:
People More Likely To Die On Birthdays #~# According to a Swiss study published in the journal Annals Of Epidemiology, people have a 14 percent greater chance of dying on their birthday. What do you think?
I Had The Idea For YouTube Back In 2010 #~# YouTube is one of the biggest sensations on the web today. Chances are you've visited the site numerous times, and maybe you've even uploaded a video of your own. It's such a popular site that practically everyone in the world is tripping all over themselves praising the guys who invented it as "geniuses" and "brilliant innovators" and all kinds of other baloney. Well, you can talk all you want about how far ahead of the curve the YouTube guys were, but what if I told you I had the idea for YouTube back in 2010?
Miami Heat Spend Entire Plane Ride To Game 1 Planning Victory Parade #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Sources within the Miami Heat organization reported Tuesday that the Eastern Conference champions spent their entire flight to Oklahoma City planning their NBA championship victory parade. "We should each get our own victory float with our own music, and the whole city will come out for the biggest celebration Miami's ever seen," Chris Bosh told his teammates 24 hours before the tipoff for Game 1 of the Finals, as Udonis Haslem eagerly joined in to describe all the beautiful bikini-clad who would be dancing throughout South Beach. "Then when we get to the stage, fireworks go off while we just spray champagne all over. God, I wish it were next week already so we could just start the victory party." Moments before the flight landed at Will Rogers World Airport, head coach Erik Spoelstra demanded his players settle down, be quiet, and focus on how cool it would be if he arrived in a helicopter to deliver the Larry O'Brien Trophy to the rest of the team on a big stage.
Herculean Effort, Astronomical Expense Lead To Photo Of Whole Family At Disney World #~# ORLANDO, FL—A Sisyphean, continent-spanning voyage and the depletion of six years of savings at long last resulted this Tuesday in a single photograph of all four Schoepke family members in front of Cinderella Castle at the Walt Disney World Resort in Florida. “Hey, all right!” matriarch Brenda Schoepke said following the click of the camera shutter, a culmination that required an arduous, backbreaking overland journey from Idaho, many months of planning, and a monumental sum of money, with the only physical relic being the photograph of the squinting, badly sunburned Schoepkes in ill-fitting Disney-character-emblazoned T-shirts. “That one’s going straight into the photo album!” The Schoepkes agreed the grueling, extravagantly expensive Disney World odyssey was much more successful than 2009's onerous trek to the Grand Canyon, which resulted in nothing after Brenda’s camera was left behind at a highway rest stop.
'Car Talk' Comes To An End #~# Ray and Tom Magliozzi, hosts of the public radio program Car Talk, announced they were retiring the popular show after 25 years of broadcasting nationally. What do you think?
Man On Verge Of Self-Realization Instead Turns To God #~# AUSTIN, TX—A major existential breakthrough was averted Friday when, moments before he had a realization of monumental personal significance, 29-year-old local resident Darrell Gatsas instead turned to God. "He was so, so close to discovering something truly fundamental about himself and his place in the universe, but nope—he went with God," close friend Peter Rankin, 27, said. "For a second there it seemed like he was going to seriously consider the cause-and-effect relationship of his own actions and elevate himself to a new level of compassion and understanding, but then he suddenly changed course and asked God to swoop in and fix everything." Reached for comment, God chuckled to reporters that Gatsas is, indeed, a real piece of work.
AMC Roast Of Matthew Weiner #~# AMC
Bats Shooed Out Of Nation's Waterslide Tunnels In Preparation For Summer #~# WISCONSIN DELLS, WI—In an annual ritual as regular as the arrival of summer itself, the nation's waterslide tunnels were purged Monday of all the bats inhabiting them. "Go on, scram," the nation's broom-wielding water-park employees said to the bats, which took up residence in the dim fiberglass tubes shortly after Labor Day last year. "Go make your nest somewhere else! It's summertime. There are all kinds of kids who are gonna want to cool down, splash around, and enjoy themselves. So beat it!" Following the successful evacuation of the bats, the water parks' junior employees were sent into the bathrooms to clear out all the daddy longlegs and porcupines that had wintered there.
Commerce Secretary Involved In Hit-And-Run #~# U.S. commerce secretary John Bryson was involved in a hit-and-run in Los Angeles when his vehicle struck a car stopped at a train tracks. What do you think?
Disappointing Indy 500 Viewership Prompts Organizers To Hold Race Again This Weekend #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Citing lower television viewership numbers than expected despite an unusually exciting race, Izod IndyCar officials announced they would hold the 2012 Indianapolis 500 again this coming weekend. "Everyone should tune in to see the record 35 lead changes, Takuma Sato's daring but ultimately disastrous attempt to take the lead on the last lap, and Dario Franchitti's triumphant third Indy 500 victory," said IndyCar chief Randy Bernard, explaining that the June 17 Indy 500 would be identical to the May 27 running, which he called one of the best in the race's long history. "Really, it was great. We have no idea why more people didn't see it the first time." Bernard later acknowledged that no one should have watched June 3's Detroit IndyCar race, which he conceded was "an unwatchable shitshow."
Tesla To Sell Cars In Malls #~# Electric car manufacturer Tesla Motors has begun opening shops in malls to sell its $100,000 vehicles. What do you think?
Peter Jackson Opens Up About His Personal Hobbit Friends In Beginnings Of Genius Marketing Campaign Or Full-On Mental Breakdown #~# LOS ANGELES—Either deploying a brilliant strategy to spur excitement for his forthcoming adaptation of The Hobbit or completely losing his grip on reality, filmmaker Peter Jackson told reporters Sunday about the many hobbits with whom he enjoys personal friendships.
The Northernmost Corner Of Your Room #~# Let this quiet 14-by-14-foot alcove be your sweet respite from the pile of work on your bed, the unsorted receipts on your desk, and the closet full of clothes that haven't fit you since November!
The Dunham Group #~# PBS
Tired Twins Ask If They Can Stop Swinging Bat All The Way Around #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Exhausted from months of trying, to little avail, to hit the ball, the last-place Minnesota Twins gathered around manager Ron Gardenhire in the clubhouse Friday afternoon to ask if they could be allowed to stop swinging their bats all the way around. "We can just do the one where you hold your bat out there halfway with both hands and see if the ball hits it," suggested second baseman Alexi Casilla, who lately has been swinging all the way through a full 360 degrees but has yet to hit a home run this season. "Or we can just go up there and do nothing. Sometimes they let you go to first base if you just stand there for a while as the balls go by. That sounds like a good strategy to me." The Twins also asked if they could discontinue running toward batted balls to field them, saying that if everyone just waits around long enough with their gloves out, eventually the ball is bound to fall into one of them.
Governor Too Embarrassed To Say Which State He Leads #~# WASHINGTON—According to event attendees, after numerous failed attempts to steer the subject away from his occupation, an American governor in town for a fundraiser Thursday at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts finally acknowledged he was the elected leader of one of the 50 states, but refused to say which. "It's out west," said the governor, who sources confirmed usually just mumbles something about working in public service when meeting new people. "You've probably never heard of it. Whatever, it's not important." After eventually admitting it was not Wyoming, the governor hastily excused himself and went back to his hotel room, where he reportedly became so flustered he completely forgot to grant clemency to that inmate scheduled for execution.
Jonathan Quick #~# The Stanley Cup is usually about goaltending, and Los Angeles goalie Jonathan Quick has been playing at an almost supernaturally high level for the Kings. Is he any good?
Goldman Sachs Hires Single Morally Decent Human Being To Work In Separate, Enclosed Cubicle #~# NEW YORK—Seeking to mollify critics over its role in the global financial crisis, Goldman Sachs announced Friday the hiring of junior analyst Greg Kohler, who executives said is the investment bank's first and only employee to possess a clear set of morals or a basic understanding of right and wrong.
Nurse Jackie #~# Showtime
High School Seniors Texting While Driving #~# In a survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control, 58 percent of high school seniors admitted to sending and receiving text messages while driving. What do you think?
The Looming NFL Referee Strike #~# With contract negotiations failing and the league announcing plans to hire replacement officials, the NFL Referees Association may soon go on strike. We boil down the major sticking points of both sides.
NASCAR To Discontinue Having Kids Rush Onto Track To Wipe Up Skid Marks During Races #~# DAYTONA BEACH, FL—In a statement released Thursday, NASCAR announced it would end a longstanding tradition of allowing child volunteers to run out onto the track during races to help wipe up skid marks. "Seeing local kids get the chance to dodge their favorite stock cars while helping to clean the track of excess rubber may seem as much a part of NASCAR as the checkered flag, but unfortunately its time has passed," the statement reads. "We believe the risks now outweigh the rewards for those 10-year-olds who feel the rush of air produced by a stock car flying right by them at 175 mph as they scrub the fabled track surface of Daytona or Talladega." In an accompanying press release, NASCAR confirmed it would erect a plaque near the third turn of the Daytona International Speedway to memorialize the 24 boys and girls killed by a spinning Kevin Harvick last year.
More And More Athletes Using Social Media To Confirm Every Stereotype Greater Public Had About Them #~# NEW YORK—With the near-ubiquity of social media platforms such as Twitter and Facebook, more athletes than ever have been able to confirm every widely believed stereotype concerning their arrogance, lack of perspective, and generally inflated sense of self-importance, sources who study online consumer behavior reported this week.
Obama Raises $60 Million In May #~# During May, Obama and the Democratic Party raised a combined $60 million for his reelection campaign, bringing his total to $450 million. What do you think?
Local Grandmother Beginning To Realize Family Never Even Looked For Better Nursing Home #~# BILLINGS, MT—Local grandmother Janet Rozell said Tuesday it had recently started to dawn on her that family members hadn’t even bothered to research nicer nursing homes before admitting her to Horizons Retirement Community six years ago. “For the longest time, I thought they’d put me in the best home in the state, but then I started hearing some of the other residents talk about how much better all these other places were, including one that’s not even half a mile from here,” Rozell, 87, said while fiddling with the antenna on the 400-room facility’s communal television. “And now I remember asking my son if the bedrooms in all the nursing homes were so small, and he immediately said that they all were, every single one of them, as if he’d really looked into it. I don’t think he had any idea.” At press time, Rozell said her suspicions were confirmed upon overhearing a group of nurses all say they had résumés out with pretty much every other retirement center within 200 miles.
Report: Mood In Spurs Locker Room #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Despite the team having brought itself to the Western Conference finals on the strength of weeks of brutally productive and disciplined play, visitors were reportedly startled to find there was a mood in the Spurs locker room following their elimination from the playoffs Wednesday night. "Yes, definitely, there is a mood in here tonight, and I'd have to say it's a predominant mood," Spurs guard Tony Parker told reporters, the general tone of the room reflected in his expressionless face. "But tomorrow is a new day, and we're not going to let that mood affect us going forward." Spurs coach Gregg Popovich later asked reporters to leave, admitting there was a certain tone present in the locker room, but claiming the team would not allow it to develop into an atmosphere or, worse yet, a feeling.
Houston, We Have Some FUN! #~# Even though the shuttle program is over, the fun's not over at NASA. Come on down to Houston and see for yourself at the brand new Johnson Space Center Haunted House.
LinkedIn Passwords Hacked #~# The professional social-networking site LinkedIn announced that some of its passwords had been leaked in a security breach. What do you think?
NASA Receives 400 Mars Exploration Ideas #~# After soliciting ideas from scientists, NASA has received around 400 proposals on how to rethink its Martian exploration program. Here are a few of them:
Man Arrested For Stealing More Than $50,000 In Beards From Hank Williams, Jr. #~# PARIS, TN—The Henry County Sheriff's Department announced Monday the arrest of a local man charged with burglarizing the climate-controlled beard humidor of country artist Hank Williams, Jr. and stealing his entire archive of human beards. "This man stole goatees, Vandykes, Shenandoahs, French forks, and even the original $4,000 Garibaldi that was the prize of Mr. Williams' collection," Deputy Bob McCrary told reporters. "He left nothing behind but stubble and some mismatched sideburns; it's a miracle we caught him, given his considerable ability to disguise himself." The recovery of the collection has come as an enormous relief to Williams, who for days had been forced to make do with only a soul patch and toothbrush mustache borrowed from friends.
Nude Man Who Locked Self Out Of House Delivers Moving Treatise On Human Condition To Slowly Gathering Crowd #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—Shortly after discovering he had locked himself out of his suburban home, stark naked 43-year-old claims adjuster David Ronzo began to deliver a stirring and thought-provoking philosophical treatise on the frailty of the human condition to a slowly gathering crowd, deeply moved witnesses reported today.
Disney Bans Junk Food Ads #~# The Walt Disney Co. announced it would no longer run advertisements during children’s programs for foods it considers unhealthy. What do you think?
The Bachelor's #~# ABC
Republicans Block Equal Pay Bill #~# A bill that would have made it easier for women to sue for pay inequality was shot down by Senate Republicans. What do you think?
Physicists Discover Our Universe Is Fictional Setting Of Cop Show Called 'Hard Case' #~# PALO ALTO, CA—A report released Tuesday by physicists at Stanford University has revealed that the entire known universe—including the whole of human civilization and the totality of all existing matter and energy—is actually the fictional setting of a police-procedural television series called Hard Case.
New Preventative Drug Would Kill People Before They Get Alzheimer's #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling it the single greatest breakthrough to date in Alzheimer's research, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced Monday the approval of Proneva, a new medication that prevents the degenerative brain disorder by killing individuals before its onset. "Clinical trials have shown that a single dose of Proneva can end the lives of patients who otherwise would have developed a serious and life-threatening illness," said FDA spokeswoman Sandy Walsh, explaining that in a recent study Proneva successfully prevented Alzheimer's in 87 of 87 people who were administered the drug. "For the millions of Americans who already suffer from this disease or have shown early signs of dementia, we recommend commencing treatment as soon as possible." According to Walsh, preliminary research also suggests Proneva may be equally effective at preventing cancer, AIDS, and heart attacks.
Herman Cain To Get Talk-Radio Show #~# Retiring syndicated-radio host Neal Boortz announced he would be replaced by former presidential candidate Herman Cain in 2013. What do you think?
Former Spy Telescopes Turned To Space #~# The National Reconnaissance Office has donated two former spy telescopes to NASA, which hopes to repurpose them to investigate dark energy. What do you think?
Report: People Talking About Soccer, But There’s No World Cup This Year So It Must Be Something Else #~# NEW YORK—According to a report released Friday, which noted a considerable increase in the number of people talking about soccer throughout the United States, this is not the year of a World Cup, so there must be something else going on. "Our research definitely shows a measurable increase in soccer-related conversations, Facebook updates, and tweets, which would be a perfectly natural occurrence around the time of a World Cup. However, that’s still two years away, so we’re really stumped," said Dr. Galen Clavio, a professor of sports communication at Indiana University, adding that hours of research also affirmed the increased soccer talk is not at all related to the upcoming London Olympics. "The current leading theory is that one of the famous soccer guys might have died, but the chatter only seems to be increasing rather than diminishing over time." Stating that they hope to have a definite answer within the coming week, researchers said there remains a strong likelihood that Americans were simply confusing soccer and hockey.
My Great-Grandfather Started This Business With One Simple Mission That We Abandoned Decades Ago #~# In 1896, 12-year-old Dietrich Konrad Mueller came through Ellis Island with 50 cents in his pocket and a belief in the American dream. A decade later, in a Lower East Side storefront, he opened Mueller Dry Goods, the company he would operate for the next 48 years. Today, it's a Fortune 500 multinational corporation, and the same simple philosophy upon which my great-grandfather built it—quality, fairness, and a commitment to the customer—has absolutely nothing to do with how we conduct our business.
First Disk Of Rosetta Stone Hungarian Just Urges Listeners To Rethink This Whole Thing #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Software developer Rosetta Stone announced Thursday the launch of a new three-CD-ROM Hungarian language program, the first disk of which is dedicated entirely to urging users to reconsider learning Hungarian. "Think really hard for one second: Do you really want to be doing this? Hungarian? Really?" asks the instructional software, which subsequently reminds users that the Hungarian language contains a 44-letter alphabet, with each noun having 17 different forms. "Seriously, it's not too late to learn Spanish, French, or even German, all of which are really much more useful languages in pretty much any context. Why are you doing this?" The program's second disk reportedly begins with an audible sigh followed by the words "All right, fine. Your funeral."
Earhart Died On Pacific Island #~# The International Group for Historic Aircraft Recovery has concluded that Amelia Earhart died on an uninhabited island after running out of fuel. What do you think?
4-Year-Old Shows New Doll The Ropes #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—According to sources, local 4-year-old Annie Platt spent much of Tuesday afternoon showing the ropes to her newest toy, a stuffed rag doll named Lucy. "You have to come to tea time when I say so, and stay away from Jerry the monkey, because he bites," Platt said after familiarizing Lucy with the box of crayons, the beanbag chair, and the play stove, which the new doll is under no circumstances ever allowed to touch. "And remember, I'm in charge here, so I make the rules." Later in the day, Platt reportedly forced Lucy to sit in the corner, allegedly for breaking nap time rules, but many in the playroom felt the toddler was simultaneously trying to establish her dominance over the newcomer while sending a warning to the other toys.
And Then They Fall In The Pool #~# Fox
Dangerous Mutated Strain Of Fernandomania Discovered In Rural China #~# SICHUAN PROVINCE, CHINA—According to reports from world health officials, farmers across a rural district of China are contracting what is believed to be a particularly deadly form of Fernandomania, the baseball-watching scourge previously thought to have been eradicated in the mid- 1980s. "We don’t want to say this will be a pandemic, but if we don’t get help to this region soon, the whole world might soon be wearing tight-fitting blue-scripted uniform tops," said World Health Organization director-general Margaret Chan, cautioning that the disease is still localized and has not yet caused people going to Dodger games to arrive on time or stay until the final out. "We especially advise Latinos, people amused by the jolly antics of fat athletes, and those easily awed by a wicked screwball to take special precautions to avoid contracting this. Considering Fernando Valenzuela hasn’t pitched in the majors in 15 years, this strain must be extremely hardy." It is unclear if the mutation could once again make the disease a threat to the people of Los Angeles, who were devastated by a catastrophic outbreak of Fernandomania in the 1980s and until recently believed Dodger Fever had been totally eradicated.
Richard Dawson Dead #~# Richard Dawson, actor and longtime host of Family Feud, died Saturday at 79. What do you think?
The Definitive Legal Knowledge Quiz (Qualifies as Bar Exam in Several States) #~# America's legal system protects our civil liberties, dispenses justice, settles disputes, and provides high paying jobs to thousands of humanities majors who didn't know what else to do after college. Take this quiz to find out how much you know about this important branch of our government.
George Lucas Retiring? #~# Star Wars director George Lucas announced that he will step away from his production company to focus on making smaller, more experimental films. What do you think?
Ann Romney Says Husband Has Deeply Principled Side No One Ever Sees In Public #~# LA JOLLA, CA—Ann Romney, wife of Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, said Monday that despite her husband's public image as a shameless opportunist with no convictions whatsoever, in private he displays a rare principled side that most people never get to see.
The Onion's Interactive Police Blotter #~# Explore area crimes reported by the Onion's law enforcement beat.
Ellen Cooper #~# Account manager Ellen Cooper only sighed audibly four times during last Tuesday's staff meeting.
Deadliest Catch: Fish Perspective #~# Discovery
Man Putting Huge Amount of Pressure On Self To Excel At Completely Meaningless Activity #~# SYRACUSE, NY—According to sources, area man James Hargraves, 34, is pushing himself far too hard to succeed at the completely trivial and pointless multiplayer board game The Settlers of Catan. "Goddamn it, I'm blowing it. Why I can't I harvest these crops right?" the intensely focused and competitive man said about the ultimately meaningless thing that has no real bearing on his life whatsoever. "I just have to keep building roads, that's the key. Can't get behind." At press time, Hargraves was searching online for strategies to improve his performance at the utter waste of his time and energy.
Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose #~# ARLINGTON, MA—According to onlookers in Wright Park, local sad sack Morgan Jennings was intimidated, bullied, and sent fleeing for safety by a Canada goose today while walking beside the park's namesake pond.
MLB Unsure Why It Ever Agreed To Hold League-Wide 'Teeny Tiny Boy Shorts Day' #~# NEW YORK—Major League Baseball released a statement Tuesday admitting that nobody in its offices was quite sure why the organization agreed to allow all of Monday’s games to be themed "Teeny Tiny Boy Shorts Day." "With all the players, fans, and mascots wearing teeny tiny boy shorts, it’s clear the day was very well organized and thought out, but to be quite honest, nobody here has more than the vaguest of memories about agreeing to something like this," Commissioner Bud Selig said in the statement, clarifying that the league was not upset about seeing all its athletes and managers don teeny tiny boy shorts for an evening, but it was confused. "A few people in marketing believe Monday’s action may have originally been planned as a day to raise awareness for a cancer of some kind, and then this kernel of an idea somehow got a little out of hand and wound up with a lot of players unfortunately scraping up their thighs by sliding in those teeny tiny boy shorts." As of press time, MLB.com had updated its calendar to list July 14 as "Sparkly Shoes and Spunky Little Hat Day."
DHS Creates Fenced-In Enclosure For Al-Qaeda To Safely Carry Out Attacks #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to streamline and better coordinate anti-terrorism efforts, the Department of Homeland Security announced Friday that it had established a designated "safe zone" within which members of al-Qaeda can carry out attacks on American soil without hurting anyone. "We've cordoned off 80 acres of Kansas pasture and created a simulated environment in which those harboring a deadly grudge against our nation can destroy virtual marketplaces, transportation hubs, and even a miniature cityscape complete with a replica U.S. Capitol and Golden Gate Bridge," said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, confirming the facility was equipped with enough airplanes for the terrorists to "climb around in, hijack, and blow up as much as they like." "We also made sure to include plenty of animatronic Iraqi police recruits, since we realize most victims of terrorism these days aren't actually Americans." At press time, 56 were reported dead and 174 injured in a series of coordinated attacks in and around Baghdad.
Dinner For One #~# Food
NYC Hopes To Ban Oversized Sodas #~# New York mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that he would seek to ban the sale of any soda or other sugary beverage larger than 16 ounces. What do you think?
Orioles: We Have Enough Talent To Win 5 More Games This Season #~# BALTIMORE—Despite well over a decade of futility before their hot start this season, the Baltimore Orioles, currently tied for first in the AL East, told reporters Thursday they trust in one another and believe they have enough talent this year to win five more games. "This is a special Orioles team," said manager Buck Showalter, confirming he believes fans can pencil in the Orioles to carry a .045 winning percentage the rest of the season. "With a few more fluke home runs from Adam [Jones], some bad umpiring calls going our way, and the kind of random chance we’ve come to depend on, I have no problem at all saying we can take five of our next 111 games." Team members however were quick to caution that their chances of winning five games could be jeopardized by unforeseen circumstances, such as injuries or the franchise getting demoted to AAA.
Greatest Team Anthems #~# The Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne just unveiled "Thunder Up," a psyche-up song calculated to spur the Oklahoma City Thunder to victory. As we see here, it's hardly the first time a team has had its own anthem. 
Quaker Scientists Formulate World's Oldest-Fashioned Oatmeal #~# CHICAGO—Calling it a banner day for breakfast science, a team of Quaker researchers announced Wednesday that they've unlocked the oatmeal genome, and can now successfully produce the world's oldest-fashioned oatmeal. "For 15 years, recreating the earliest form of oatmeal has been the Quaker research facility's sole mission," lead scientist Dr. Anders Cook told reporters, adding that his 12-man team, in conjunction with the archaeology department at Johns Hopkins University, had to simulate the soil and climate conditions of the Middle Paleolithic Era to achieve the most primitive form of the breakfast food. "And we've done it. After collecting the DNA of some petrified oats discovered in what is now considered modern day South Africa, we spliced new genes and attached the 40,000-year-old cells to de-husked oat grains; then just harvested, added hot water, and stirred." When asked how the crowning achievement in oatmeal science tasted, all researchers agreed that it "pretty much tastes like shit. I mean, it's oatmeal."
Mormons To March In Gay Pride Parade #~# One hundred representatives from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will be marching at the head of the Salt Lake City pride parade to show support for the LGBT community. What do you think?
NBA Arrested For Marijuana Possession #~# NEW YORK—The National Basketball Association is in custody today after law enforcement officials found the professional sports league to be in possession of more than 4,800 ounces of high-potency marijuana with a street value exceeding $2 million.
Indian Sweatshop Worker Has To Work In The Fucking Dark Now Too #~# NEW DELHI—Following the ongoing power outage that has left more than 680 million people in India without electricity, 17-year-old sweatshop worker Bhavesh Patel told reporters today he has now been forced to work his grueling, inhumane job in the dark on top of fucking everything else. "Jesus Christ, are you shitting me?" Patel reportedly said to himself while struggling to hand-stitch the right sleeve onto an Adidas T-shirt in pitch-black darkness. "It's bad enough having to work 19 hours straight in 100-degree heat for almost no pay, but now I have to stumble around in the dark like a goddamn moron, too? Fucking terrific." Patel then quickly remembered his starving family, calmed himself down, and continued to quietly and diligently work deep into the night.
NBC On Olympics Coverage: 'Sorry We Didn't Alter The Laws Of Space And Time To Accommodate People's Schedules' #~# NEW YORK—Responding to widespread criticism of its decision to air coverage of Olympic events on a six-hour time delay, NBC issued an apology Tuesday to American viewers, saying it was really, really sorry for failing to alter the governing laws of space and time to accommodate everyone’s precious schedules. "We at NBC would like to sincerely apologize for not doing something so simple as to modify the physical properties of the known universe so that you could go home and watch the women’s 100-meter backstroke live," chief digital officer Vivian Schiller said in response to widespread criticism on social media, adding that the network would "get one of our theoretical physicists right on that for you." "On second thought, we really should have considered manipulating the invariant properties of the space-time continuum while we were still in the planning stages of our coverage, and, boy, it sure was silly of us not to." Schiller noted that if viewers continue to be dissatisfied with the network’s coverage, they can feel free to switch over to an alternate plane of reality wherein temporal events and the subjective experience of said events may be shifted at will.
World Leader Wondering Why He Just Met With The Former Governor Of Massachusetts #~# WARSAW, POLAND—World leader and president of Poland Bronisław Komorowski was reportedly puzzled Tuesday as to why he had just met with a man who was apparently the governor of Massachusetts six years ago. "That person currently holds no position of power, so I'm not sure why I would have any sort of high-level talk with him," Komorowski was overheard saying to his advisers, adding that as a head of state with a busy schedule he shouldn’t be taking meetings with just anyone. "Essentially, I just had an hourlong conversation with an unemployed American man." According to sources, when reminded that the individual he had met also ran the Winter Olympics in 2002, Komorowski responded, "Who gives a shit?"
Seal Flu Could Infect Humans #~# A strain of bird flu known as H3N8 was found to be responsible for the deaths of 162 harbor seals that washed up on New England beaches last fall, leading scientists to fear the virus could spread to other mammals, including humans. What do you think?
Penn State Students Trying To Understand Why They're There Now #~# 'For School?' Students Ask Selves
U.S. Men's Gymnastics Team Thinks It Has Let Entire Nation Down #~# LONDON—Members of the U.S. men's gymnastics team have continued to apologize for their fifth-place finish in Monday’s team finals, mistakenly convinced that they dashed the entire nation's dreams of Olympic glory. "They didn't even come close to letting us down," said Minnesota resident Harry Camiel, referring to the male gymnasts who earlier fought back tears as they struggled to express how deeply sorry they were for breaking the hearts of the 300 million devoted fans they believed were counting on them. "Not a big deal. We don't actually care one way or the other whether you won or lost. It's not something important like basketball." At press time, the U.S. populace was unavailable for further comment, as it was completely absorbed in highlights from the Blue Jays–Mariners game.
I'm Truly Sorry For This, But You're About To Hear All About The Last Marathon I Ran #~# Listen, it's great catching up with you, and believe me, I'm really enjoying this conversation we're having, but I'm afraid I now have to do something that will make this exchange very awkward and unpleasant for you. I feel absolutely terrible about it, and so I want to give you fair warning: You're about to hear all about the marathon I just ran.
Iran Urges Population To Have More Babies #~# Fearing that an aging population could strain social services, Iranian leaders have reversed the nation’s pro-family-planning policies and are now urging citizens to have more children. What do you think?
Pictures Of Smiling Group Of People Taken Where John Lennon Was Murdered #~# NEW YORK—A smiling group of tourists, some giving the thumbs-up sign or making "bunny ears" behind one another's heads, posed to have their pictures taken Tuesday outside the Dakota apartments, on the very spot where John Lennon's blood splashed against the building and pooled on the sidewalk as he died. "Smile!" said the photographer to the happily married couple and their three children as he stood where Mark David Chapman gunned down Lennon on Dec. 8, 1980, causing a shrieking Yoko Ono to cradle her husband's bullet-riddled body. "There! Perfect. Want to do a fun one where all of you do something silly?" The group then hailed a taxi to drive them downtown so they could have their smiling photo taken on the same spot where Islamic extremists killed thousands of Americans on Sept. 11, 2001.
James Garfield: America's Forgotten Lizard-Man President #~# History
Fans Of Watching Teenage Girls Cry Excited For Olympic Gymnastics Finals #~# WASHINGTON—Fans of watching disappointed teenage girls cry their eyes out in front of large, international audiences confirmed Monday that they "can't wait" for the women's Olympic gymnastics finals. "For someone like me, who is really into just getting the family together in the living room and seeing a 15-year-old girl have an emotional breakdown in front of the entire world, there’s nothing better than the women's team and individual all-around events," said 38-year-old Nashville, TN resident Andrew Tyson, adding that while he enjoyed watching American gymnast Jordyn Wieber’s dreams get crushed Sunday, he’s more excited at the prospect of seeing a weeping Alexandra Raisman collapse into her coach’s arms after realizing she didn’t medal. "There's just nothing I enjoy more than watching teenage girls cry after failing spectacularly on the international stage. The look of agonizing shock and defeat on their faces, the way their teammates feel too awkward to even talk to them, the rare chance to watch a bawling teenager yell at her mother to leave her alone—I just can't get enough of that stuff." According to a recent Gallup Poll, 87 percent of people who enjoy looking into the tear-streaked face of a tiny girl as her whole life is publicly torn to shreds in an instant said they are already looking forward to the 2014 women's figure-skating final.
370 Million Without Power In India #~# Northern India's power grid failed early this morning, causing a blackout in the capital of New Delhi, shutting down train service, and leaving more than a third of a billion people without electricity amid the summer heat. What do you think?
Wendy's Wants Consumers To Know It's Fine With Gays, Disapproves Of Interracial Marriage #~# DUBLIN, OH—Responding to Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy's recent controversial admission of the company's donations to antigay groups, a statement from competing fast food chain Wendy’s let consumers know Monday that it has long supported same-sex couples and only harbors strong objections to interracial marriage. "It's important that Wendy’s customers know our restaurant proudly stands by the right of all Americans to marry whomever they choose, so long as it isn't someone of a different race,” said spokeswoman Jenna Knox, adding that while Wendy’s has always backed pro-gay legislation, it found miscegenation "an abominable offense to God’s will." "Just like our founder Dave Thomas, we dream of living in an America where two loving people of the same sex can freely wed, provided of course that both people are also of the same race, and that no black, Asian, Latin American, or other non-European heritage is allowed to de-purify the white racial bloodline." Following the Wendy’s statement, executives from Jack in the Box confirmed that they too had always supported gay rights and the Holocaust never happened.
Son, 'Sports Illustrated' Swimsuit Issue Consummate Relationship #~# BURLINGTON, VT—After experiencing several months of strong sexual attraction, Joey Grafman, 13, and his father's copy of Sports Illustrated's 2012 swimsuit issue consummated their relationship late Saturday night in the eighth-grader's bedroom, household sources confirmed. "It got pretty hot and heavy for us last night, and we decided to take it to the next level," said Grafman, who has been pursuing the swimsuit issue since the two shared several fleeting, lustful glances upon its delivery in February. "We waited, but it was worth it, and we both know that last night was only the beginning of something very special." Prospects for the couple's future remained uncertain, however, with eyewitnesses reporting that while Grafman "seemed really into it," the magazine was less enthusiastic and "just lay there" throughout the entire encounter.
Storms Could Deplete Ozone Layer Above U.S. #~# According to Harvard University scientists, water vapor lofted into the stratosphere by severe summer storms could react with chemicals there to destroy the ozone layer above the central United States, leading to dangerous levels of ultraviolet radiation. What do you think?
Dying Lion Sure Doesn't Feel As Though He's Completing Some Great Cosmic Circle #~# THE SERENGETI—According to a male lion currently dying on the Serengeti Plain, his agonizing demise certainly doesn't seem as though it's part of some transcendent cosmic circle of life, but rather as if he’s slowly and painfully bleeding to death.
The Hell You Are Wearing That #~# Bravo
David Koch #~# Multibillionaire industrialist and archconservative David Koch gave $7 million to the PBS show Nova.
Texas A&M Fans Celebrate 1999 Alamo Bowl Victory Over Penn State #~# COLLEGE STATION, TX—Following the NCAA’s decision Monday to vacate all of Penn State’s wins from 1998 through 2011, thousands of Texas A&M students and fans poured onto campus in a frenzy of excitement to celebrate what has now been ruled as a victory for their team in the 1999 Alamo Bowl. “First thing we had to do was track down Coach [R.C.] Slocum—we found him at home mowing his lawn and immediately dumped Gatorade on him,” said 32-year-old former Aggie fullback Ja’Mar Toombs, standing in a streamer-strewn street below a banner reading “Congratulations, 1999 Alamo Bowl Champs.” “You spend your whole life dreaming about NCAA rulings like this, and when one finally comes, you almost can’t believe it. I’m just so happy to share it with those of my teammates who are still around.” When reporters asked about the appropriateness of celebrating a game that took place during a trip on which Jerry Sandusky allegedly molested a young boy he brought with him to Texas, their questions were inevitably drowned out by triumphant chants of “A and M!”
Disastrous Ad Campaign Appeals To Basic Human Intelligence #~# LOS ANGELES—A new low was hit in advertising Thursday when an ad campaign appealing to basic human logic and rationality became the single-most money-losing effort in the entire history of the industry. "We thought, let's just stick to the facts: what the product is, what it does, and why it's better than other brands," said James O'Connor, CEO of O’Connor Advertising and chief architect of the disastrously failed commercials. "As it turns out, we should have just shown 28 seconds of talking CGI pigs and then displayed the product name right at the very end." O'Connor Advertising has issued a formal apology to the viewing public, promised it will never make the same mistake again, and announced plans to produce "the perfect ad," which will feature celebrities, high-end cars, cutting-edge special effects, and snack chips.
Andy Reid Grumbles Something About Rebuilding Mode As Sandwich Falls Apart In Hands #~# BETHLEHEM, PA—During an hour-long lunch break at Eagles training camp Friday, Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid mumbled something about rebuilding mode as a homemade Italian sandwich slowly began falling apart in his hands. "Everything is in disarray right now, so it's important to set up a solid foundation and build from there," said Reid, muttering to himself while ham, capocollo, provolone, and mayonnaise slipped out of a kaiser roll and fell onto his lap. "Need to be patient while we get this thing back to the level we all want, because it'll take time. Have to plug up all the holes in the middle for sure, maybe with some roasted peppers or a few cuts of salami with ranch dressing. Still need to acquire several more key pieces of cheese." After struggling to reconstruct the sandwich for several minutes, a frustrated Reid told team sources he "may need to start over with a few fundamental components" and shoveled a wad of meat, bread, and cheese into his mouth.
Ashley Hamilton #~# Sales executive Ashley Hamilton listened to a voicemail from her mom all the way through.
Highlights From 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony #~# Onion Sports recaps the most memorable moments from the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics in London. 
Wedding DJ Finally Gets The Chance To Listen To Some Black Eyed Peas On His Own Time #~# HAVERHILL, MA—Finding himself with an unexpected weekend off during the height of his busiest season, wedding DJ and pop music enthusiast Shawn DeFleur took the time Saturday to relax in his favorite chair, don his headphones, and listen to the Black Eyed Peas seminal 2003 album Elephunk for his own pleasure. “Finally, I can just kick back, close my eyes, and do some serious listening,” said DeFleur, adding that it felt a little strange not to have to take requests while a song was playing, or shout out the name of the bride and groom over a chorus, or switch to “Run The World (Girls)” two-thirds of the way through a track to appease bridesmaids. “I really should do this more often—just set aside a little time for myself to relax and sink my teeth into something like ‘Let’s Get It Started.’ Reminds me why I do this job in the first place.” When the album concluded, DeFleur turned to the classics, spinning “Mony Mony,” “The Hokey Pokey,” and different versions of “The Chicken Dance” for the rest of the afternoon.
Aldo Montano #~# Fencing Style: Poke-heavy
Lauren Jackson #~# Professional Perks: Still has a ton of free tickets to Seattle Storm games if anyone wants them
Qiu Bo #~# Training: Learned how to dive by jumping into sea of Dockers at parents’ work
Sarah Attar #~# Accomplishments: Finding success despite growing up in a community notoriously hostile to talented, ambitious young women in Escondido, CA
James Magnussen #~# Weaknesses: Technologically advanced American suits superior to Australian team’s heavy wool; sometimes distracted by coins on the bottom of the pool
Yelena Isinbayeva #~# Technique: So flawless nobody has noticed the numerous optical illusions she applies to add an extra 4 feet to her jumps
Kenenisa Bekele #~# Racing Strategy: Drafts behind other runners for first 9,998 meters of race and then jumps out in front at the last second like an asshole
Sir Chris Hoy #~# Number Of Times During A 5-Minute Conversation He Reminds You He Has Been Knighted: 17
Oscar Pistorius #~# Advantage: Has been taking steroids openly since 2009, but no one has the heart to disqualify him
Usain Bolt #~# Strength: Incredibly long legs allow him to finish the 100-meter dash in just four strides
International Olympians To Watch In 2012 #~# Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating Olympians from around the globe going into the 2012 Summer Olympic Games in London.
Disney World Visitors Contract Mystery Illness #~# Since June, several dozen visitors to Walt Disney World’s Wild Africa Trek in Florida have been sickened by an unknown illness that causes flu-like symptoms, including nausea, fatigue, and diarrhea. What do you think?
Nation's Moms On Olympic Opening Ceremony: 'Buckle The Fuck Up, It's Going To Be A Wild-Ass Ride' #~# DES MOINES, IA—Sitting down on their living room couches Friday after running a few household errands, mothers across the nation told their children today to "buckle the fuck up" for the 2012 London Olympic Opening Ceremony, adding that the event was sure to be "one hell of a wild-ass ride."
Pawn Stars #~# History
Miami Dolphins Wish 'Hard Knocks' Crew Would Stop Openly Talking About How Bad They Are #~# MIAMI— Dolphins players and coaches admitted Friday that they regret allowing the HBO series Hard Knocks to film their training camp, expressing frustration after repeatedly hearing the documentary crew openly refer to the team as "pathetic fucking losers." "I don't like those people coming in here saying how much we suck and talking about my guys as 'sacks of shit in teal,'" said Dolphins coach Joe Philbin, whose players' meeting on Thursday was listed on the production schedule as "Poor Bald Fuck Tries to Inspire Talentless Doormats." "The director yelled 'cut' when we were running passing routes because he said they already had hours of footage of has-beens and shitty draft picks dropping passes and needed to get a shot of somebody actually catching the ball." At press time, the Hard Knocks crew complained out loud about having to film a "sorry-ass practice" and refused to interview players, claiming the Dolphins would "fuck that up, too."
Trivial Pursuit Game Reveals Man Lacks Knowledge Of Basic Social Skills #~# DENVER—According to sources who played Trivial Pursuit with local man Derek Watkins last night, the hour-long question-and-answer contest revealed the 30-year-old attorney's glaring lack of knowledge of even the most fundamental social skills. "It became obvious pretty early in the game that Derek was at a complete loss on questions of social propriety and everyday human interaction," acquaintance Sheila Chiu said of the man who could reportedly name all five Allied beachheads at Normandy, yet displayed a conspicuous unfamiliarity with such categories as acting genially toward teammates, avoiding vociferous gloating, allowing others the opportunity to roll the die, and not repeatedly belittling the intelligence of one's fiancée in front of mutual friends. "Derek clearly had no clue on certain subjects, like having a fun and relaxing time with friends and not being a complete asshole. Though he did get all the sports questions right." Sources confirmed a subsequent game of Apples to Apples allowed Watkins to showcase his boundless ability to generate excuses for coming in last.
Justin Upton #~# Numerous teams are considering a trade for Arizona Diamondbacks slugger Justin Upton. Is he any good?
Computer Virus May Be Blasting AC/DC In Iran #~# A new computer virus that targets Iran’s nuclear facilities is believed to be causing AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck” to blast at full volume from Iranian scientists’ workstations in the middle of the night. What do you think?
Michael Phelps Using Rosetta Stone To Brush Up On His English #~# LONDON—Coaches and teammates confirmed Friday that U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has spent the past month studying with Rosetta Stone software in an effort to brush up on his English-language skills, which have grown rusty after several years of disuse.
Terry Molin #~# Terry Molin, 3, didn’t have a swim diaper on like he was supposed to at Crawdaddy Cove Water Park, but he didn’t have an accident, either.
Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities #~# CHICAGO—According to recently engaged and utterly smug shitheads Ross Bird and Jessica Black, the couple wants their upcoming nuptials to be not just a wedding, but also a true reflection of who they are as human beings.
Connecticut Governor Pardons Lobster #~# While visiting southeastern Connecticut tourist attractions yesterday, Gov. Dan Malloy officially pardoned a 15-pound lobster at a Noank, CT restaurant and then released it into the Mystic River. What do you think?
New Apple Campaign Urges Consumers To Buy iPhone For Other Hand #~# Year In Review
Anaheim Police Chief John Welter: 'Look, Our Job Is To Shoot People' #~# ANAHEIM, CA—As protests over a pair of fatal weekend shootings by Anaheim Police entered their fifth day, law enforcement officials continued Thursday to ignore calls for a stricter departmental gun-use policy, claiming such rules would prevent officers from executing their essential task of shooting people. "Our job is to shoot bullets at dangerous individuals posing a threat to life and property, and we're certainly not going to respond to a request that we stop doing our job," said Anaheim police chief John Welter, who pointed out that all officers are required to carry guns, and that guns are for shooting people. "A policeman who fails to discharge his service revolver on a regular basis is failing to serve his community, pure and simple." Welter added that anyone who knows anything about the history of law enforcement in Southern California should be well aware of that fact by now.
Holley Mangold #~# Strength: Strength
Ryan Lochte #~# Strengths: Thanks to obscure loophole, is allowed to use a canoe; powerful bubble-blower
Jordyn Wieber #~# Strengths: Pretending to smile
Lolo Jones #~# Event At Which She’s Most Likely To Win Gold: 60-meter tripping
Kim Rhode #~# Shooting Style: Oh, you’ll find out
Missy Franklin #~# Favorite Musical Artist: Who cares? Really, who the fuck cares?
Tyson Gay #~# Accomplishments: One of the only Americans capable of running
Maya Moore #~# Endorsements: American Tripe Council, Pontiac, Lady Subway
LeBron James #~# GDP Rank Among Olympic Nations If He Were Considered Own Country: 155/203
Michael Phelps #~# Swimming Style: Faster, better than everyone
US Olympians To Watch In 2012 #~# Onion Sports breaks down the top 10 members of Team USA to keep an eye on as the 2012 Summer Olympic Games begin in London.
Kim Jong-Un Volunteers For First Shift Of Wife's Suicide Watch #~# PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—One day after his marriage to Ri Sol-ju was officially announced on state television, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un volunteered to take the first shift of his wife’s suicide watch, sources confirmed Thursday evening. “I’ve got this watch, then [Vice Marshall Hyon] Yong-chol, you’ll take the 12 a.m. to 4 a.m. shift, and [Supreme People’s Assembly Chairman Kim] Young-nam, you’ll do 4 to 8,” Kim reportedly said, instructing aides to search “every inch” of the first lady’s padded bedroom for any concealed vials of poison or sharpened household objects. “I want eyes on her at all times. If she tries to fashion a noose from a bedsheet, get in there right away.” According to sources, Kim was forced to rush into his wife’s room six minutes into his watch upon realizing that her shoelaces hadn’t been removed.
Speculation About Romney's Taxes #~# As Democrats continue to press Mitt Romney to release more of his tax records, the Republican candidate has become more assertive in his rejection of such calls, leading many to speculate about what the filings contain. Here are some of the details experts suggest he may not want the public to see:
Catholic Leader Jailed For Covering Up Abuse #~# Monsignor William J. Lynn of the Philadelphia Archdiocese received a prison sentence of three to six years after becoming the first Roman Catholic Church official in the United States convicted of covering up the sexual abuse of children by priests. What do you think?
Fred Willard A Huge Hit At Counseling Session #~# LOS ANGELES—Since his arrest last Wednesday on lewd conduct charges, actor and comedian Fred Willard has become "quite the hit" in his court-mandated counseling sessions, amused sources reported this week. "Oh, man, that guy is a blast," said licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Tom Gronkowski, adding that he would barely begin delving into allegations that Willard publicly exposed himself in an adult theater before the actor would say something that "left [him] in stitches" for the next 10 minutes. "One moment I'm talking about the definition of a sex crime, and the next [Willard] is launching into this totally improvised bit where he's this clueless announcer guy commenting on everything I do. It's pretty killer stuff." Gronkowski added that he hadn’t had this much fun serving in a court diversion program since Andy Dick was arrested on sexual abuse charges in July 2011.
Drought Bad #~# Water Good
Gun Sales Surge After Shooting #~# In the wake of last Friday’s mass shooting at a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises, sales of firearms have surged in many states, with Colorado in particular reporting a 43 percent increase in gun sales from the previous week. What do you think?
Report: 2012 Election Likely To Be Decided By 4 Or 5 Key Swing Corporations #~# WASHINGTON—With polls this week showing the race between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney tightening even further, a growing number of political experts have declared this year's election will almost certainly be decided by a small handful of swing corporations.
Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, And Daniel Day-Lewis Come Out As Gay #~# Also Bruce Springsteen, Beyoncé, Brian Williams, Meryl Streep, And LeBron James
Syria: Chemical Weapons Won't Be Used On Civilians #~# A spokesman for President Bashar al-Assad's government said it would never use its presumed stockpile of cyanide, sarin, and mustard gas against Syrian citizens amid the nation's ongoing uprising. What do you think?
Mitt Romney Soars In Polls After Leaving Country #~# WASHINGTON—According to a newly released USA Today/Gallup poll, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney's favorability has surged to 64 percent since he left the country Wednesday for a three-nation overseas trip. "Once Gov. Romney was no longer within the borders of the United States and was instead many thousands of miles away from American voters, his popularity immediately spiked across almost all demographics," said political analyst Mark Halperin, noting that the electorate has been invigorated by Romney's complete absence from campaign events, rallies, and town hall meetings. "It seems that the farther away Romney travels, the more people like him. By the time his plane touches down in Israel, I wouldn't be surprised if his favorability rating isn't somewhere in the high 70s." Experts were quick to note the number remains well below Romney’s historical high of 89 percent, reached in February 2008 when the former Massachusetts governor announced his withdrawal from that year's presidential race.
Man Who Just Purchased 3,000 Rounds Of Ammunition Online Perfectly Sane, Thinks Man Processing Order #~# WEST BERLIN, NJ—While processing an online order Tuesday afternoon, Ammoman.com sales clerk Eric McCann confirmed to himself that the customer who just purchased 3,000 rounds of ammunition was no doubt a very sensible, stable human being with no prior history of mental illness. "Yes, the person I am now shipping three heavy boxes of 9 mm bullets to is surely an entirely normal person, with normal thoughts, who is in no way a danger to himself or others," McCann reportedly thought as he processed the $850 order, which will be shipped to a private residence in New Mexico within six to 10 business days. "Clearly, if he was able to find a bulk supplier online, complete our order form, and make the purchase with a major credit card, then he must be a person in full command of his mental faculties and at no point should I think twice about sending this package. I hope he enjoys the product." At press time, McCann was envisioning the psychologically well-adjusted customer receiving the ammunition and, naturally, using it for completely safe, constructive, and not at all illegal purposes.
Sally Ride Dies #~# Former astronaut Sally Ride, who in 1983 became the first American woman to travel into space, died in her San Diego home yesterday at age 61. What do you think?
FDA Approves Of What New Drug Is Going For #~# WASHINGTON—Officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that they approve of the basic direction Pfizer's new drug Ribastrol is headed in. "We like what you guys are trying to do here: kind of a Zoloft thing with some Levitra-esque undertones thrown in there, too," said Commissioner Margaret Hamburg, adding that the FDA essentially dug Ribastrol's general vibe. "We encourage all of you at Pfizer to play around with it a bit and tighten up some of its chemical configurations. And then, you know, get back to us." Hamburg said the FDA also recommends that Pfizer check out what the folks over at Novartis have been doing lately, because it might be right up their alley.
Uncle Ben's To Compete Against Apple With Brand-New Smartphone #~# HOUSTON—Hoping to boost profits by cutting into the valuable market share currently occupied by Apple's popular iPhone 4S, top American rice manufacturer Uncle Ben’s announced plans Tuesday to release its first-ever smartphone.
Holy Shit, I Just Realized People Want To Kill My Dad #~# I've always known my father was an important man. He is, after all, the president of the United States. But the other day, as I was running around on the playground, a thought suddenly occurred to me, a horrible realization that stopped me dead in my tracks: There are people out there who want to kill my dad. My dad. The man who is raising me, who asks me how school is every day, who takes me to soccer games and reads me stories when I can't fall asleep at night. People want to murder him. They want to murder my father.
George W. Bush Not Attending RNC #~# Former president George W. Bush declined an invitation to attend next month’s Republican National Convention in Tampa, FL. What do you think?
Chick-Fil-A Debuts New Homophobic Sandwich #~# 'Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu' Goes On Sale Wednesday
Para-Pa-Legal #~# Fox
Blood-Drenched, Berserk CEO Demands More Web Videos #~# ‘We Need More Videos!’ Yells Crazed Executive While Beating Random Employee With Golf Club
International AIDS Conference Attendees Receive Complimentary Gift Bag Full Of Awesome AIDS Gear #~# WASHINGTON—Upon entering the Walter E. Johnson Convention Center Monday, attendees of the 2012 International AIDS Conference were reportedly treated to free gift bags full of top-notch AIDS gear. “Man, they gave us some really sweet AIDS stuff this year,” immunologist Dr. Scott Fletcher, 41, told reporters as he held up his awesome new AIDS schwag, which consisted of an AIDS lanyard, an AIDS coffee mug, an AIDS t-shirt, and a complimentary AIDS iTunes gift card. “I needed a new case for my phone anyway, so now that I have this AIDS hard-shell iPhone protector, I guess I won’t have to go out and buy one myself.” At press time, no one was paying attention to the keynote address being delivered by former President Bill Clinton, as they were too busy unwrapping their free AIDS Nintendo DS consoles.
21 Burned At Tony Robbins Event #~# Twenty-one people were treated for burns after they walked across hot coals as part of a four-day “Unleash the Power Within” event hosted by famed motivational speaker and self-help guru Tony Robbins last week. What do you think?
Talking Head In Walter Payton Documentary Clearly Doesn't Know Payton Is Dead #~# CHICAGO—Despite calling himself a close friend and confidant of the late Chicago Bears superstar, remarks made by former Bears quarterback Vince Evans last week while being filmed for a documentary movie revealed that he has no idea that Walter Payton had passed away, as Evans several times referred to the Hall of Fame running back in the present tense. "Walter is just a fantastic all-around guy," said Evans, who somehow had never learned of Payton's death from their ex-teammates or by glancing at any newspaper on November 2, 1999. "I know he's got a busy life, but he has a magnetic personality and a real mind for the game, and we'd all love to see him get into coaching. He has so much to offer young players." Evans, who said that it seemed "like forever" since he last talked to Payton, announced that he would call "his good buddy Sweetness" immediately after the interview.
Iron Dumped In Ocean Might Slow Global Warming #~# According to a study published in the journal Nature, dumping iron at sea could encourage the growth of large blooms of algae, which in turn could soak up excess carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. What do you think?
Romney Requiring Potential Running Mates To Write 5,000 Word Essay On Favorite Things About Money #~# BOSTON—As part of its vetting process to select a potential vice president, the Romney campaign reportedly asked each of its shortlisted candidates this week to submit a 10-page essay describing, in detail, what they like most about money. "Before Mitt makes a final decision, he feels it's necessary to know what a prospective running mate’s favorite aspects of money are, be it its rich green color; its ability to be exchanged for luxury items like cars or beachfront homes; or the way it looks in neat, towering stacks," deputy campaign manager Katie Packer Gage told reporters Thursday. "We've made it clear to each essayist that Mitt’s not looking for anything specific here. In fact, he wants candidates to just cut loose and really explore attributes they may not have even realized they loved about money, such as its durable cotton paper stock or how it spontaneously grows when left completely alone in a bank account. Mitt wants to get a sense that if, God forbid, something were to happen to him as president, the individual filling his shoes would not only be capable of loving money as much as he does, but would be able to think about it in interesting, abstract ways." According to several campaign sources who asked not to be identified, former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty has thus far distinguished himself from the field with a nearly 12,000-word composition describing how deeply he enjoys exchanging 20 one-dollar bills for a single twenty.
The Pretending Hour #~# NBC
Brother-In-Law's Latest Money-Making Scheme Involves Starting PGA Championship Golf Course #~# TOLEDO—Local brother-in-law Steven Foster, 32, revealed a new money-making scheme at a family gathering Thursday, a proposal to start a PGA championship golf course by "getting a big ass piece of land" and "designing really cool holes." "We're talking about a top-caliber course that makes tons of cash because it's way better than everything else and you can hold like four pro tournaments a month," said Foster, adding that it would be easy to "throw some water, sand traps, and Pebble Beach stuff in there and get the pros to come." "How hard is it going to be to have an expensive pro shop and a big driving range? People will love it, getting burgers at the 19th hole. And we can have a girl going around during tournaments selling stuff. Do it classy though." Foster confirmed that the PGA championship course would also make a "shit-ton of dough" when rented out on weekdays for weddings and class reunions.
The Best Of 'Saturday Night Live' Goodbyes #~# NBC
Fan Prefers Tarantino's Early Work When He Was Shelving Movies All Day At Video Store #~# DANVILLE, CA—Despite being a fan of the visionary director's entire film catalog, local 29-year-old Charles Knox admitted Tuesday that he prefers Quentin Tarantino's work from his early days as a clerk at the Los Angeles–area Video Archives movie rental store. "I'm really into his pre–Reservoir Dogs stuff, when he was shelving VHS tapes, working the register, doing the inventory once a week, and just completely killing it," said Knox, arguing that from the mid to late '80s Tarantino was "absolutely at the top his game." "People could walk in there any time of day and he'd point them to the new releases, all the while talking a mile-a-minute about why Rio Bravo is the greatest Western ever made. That, to me, was classic Tarantino." Knox added that he is also a big fan of the work James Cameron did in his early 20s as a Southern California–based truck driver.
Details Of Paterno Family's Internal Report #~# Joe Paterno’s family has launched a private investigation into the Louis Freeh report that found the late Penn State football coach helped conceal Jerry Sandusky’s sexual abuse of children. Onion Sports looks at what the probe discovered.
Man Who Cut Off Seymour Hersh In Traffic Subject Of 20-Page 'New Yorker' Exposé #~# WASHINGTON—In an 8,000-word exposé featured in this week's issue of The New Yorker, Pulitzer Prize–winning journalist and author Seymour Hersh examines the life of 33-year-old Alex Phelan, a Virginia resident who on Dec. 3, 2011, cut him off while driving on the Capital Beltway. "A high-level municipal official who agreed to speak on background for this article confirmed Phelan was first licensed to drive by the Commonwealth of Virginia in March 1995 and since that time has received only three motor-vehicle citations despite being a piece-of-shit driver who clearly doesn't know when to yield the goddamn right-of-way," read an excerpt from the piece, for which Hersh spent six months interviewing Phelan's friends and family members, in addition to poring over internal documents obtained from various traffic enforcement agencies and a high school driver's ed program. "On Sept. 17 of last year Phelan went to I-Deal Autos in McLean, VA and purchased a 2007 Toyota Camry bearing the tag TRK-254 that was not three months later jerked into the right lane without so much as a signal when the asshole decided at the last fucking second to take the Georgetown Pike and almost fucking killed the driver behind him." Hersh's future projects include a book about the vice presidency of Dick Cheney and an in-depth series of articles on a disputed labor charge at a D.C.-area Jiffy Lube.
Exhausted Cyclists Ask For Some Drugs So They Can Finish Tour De France #~# BLAGNAC-BRIVE-LA-GAILLARDE, FRANCE—During Friday's 222.5-km-long 18th stage of the Tour De France, several dozen exhausted cyclists reportedly asked trainers, cameramen, and random spectators if they had any drugs that could help them finish the race. "I know I can get a massage or some painkillers, but c'mon, let's get serious, you know what I need to finish this thing," Spaniard Alejandro Valverde told a reporter, pleading for "something, anything" that could chemically enhance the human body's ability to handle physical strain. "Andro, EPO, natural or synthetic testosterone, I'll take whatever you've got. This race is hard. Like really, seriously hard. We need drugs." Several cyclists, dejected by the difficulty of immediately acquiring steroids, reportedly said the race was a lot more enjoyable a couple of years ago when everybody had tons of drugs they were willing to share.
Big Money! #~# Game Show
Microsoft Announces First-Ever Quarterly Loss #~# Software giant Microsoft reported a quarterly loss for the first time since the company went public in 1986, losing $492 million in the most recent quarter due to a major write-down in its online division. What do you think?
Some Fucking Guy At Warner Bros. Wondering What Shooting Of 12 Means For Ticket Sales #~# LOS ANGELES—According to sources, some soulless fucking piece of shit at Warner Bros. is wondering how last night's tragic shooting of 12 people at a screening of Dark Knight Rises will affect ticket sales for the blockbuster film. "God, I hope this doesn't ruin our shot at the opening weekend box office record,” said the unimaginable asshole, noting that the cold-blooded murder of a dozen innocent people could deter moviegoers from seeing the film with friends throughout the weekend. "At least the international numbers will still be very strong. We can take comfort in that.” At press time, the oily, subhuman son of a bitch was reassuring coworkers the movie would definitely still finish number one in North American box office receipts for 2012.
NRA: 'Please Try To Remember All The Wonderful Things Guns Do For Us Every Day' #~# FAIRFAX, VA—In the wake of last evening’s horrific shooting that killed 12 in a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, representatives from the National Rifle Association asked all Americans to please try, in this moment of sadness and grief, to remember the myriad great and indispensable things that guns do for us every day. “While the events of last night are truly tragic, I sincerely hope that no one at any point forgets how truly terrific guns are, and how they enrich all of our lives on a regular basis,” said NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre, adding that the nation’s citizens must open up their hearts in this time of mourning and realize how simply unlivable a life without gun ownership would be. “From hunting, to protecting one’s home from prowlers, to target practice, why, there is practically no end to the ways in which guns are constantly improving our lives every moment of every day. As awful as this shooting was, none of us should ever forget that.” LaPierre then closed his remarks with a direct plea to the people of Aurora, asking them to try and imagine where they would be today without the citizen’s right to bear arms.
Sadly, Nation Knows Exactly How Colorado Shooting's Aftermath Will Play Out #~# WASHINGTON—Americans across the nation confirmed today that, unfortunately, due to their extreme familiarity with the type of tragedy that occurred in a Colorado movie theater last night, they sadly know exactly how the events following the horrific shooting deaths of 12 people will unfold.
Matt Forte Suffers Career-Ending Contract With Chicago Bears #~# CHICAGO—The career of 26-year-old running back Matt Forte was tragically cut short Monday after Forte succumbed to a career-ending contract with the Chicago Bears. "It's such a shame to see such a promising young talent fall victim to a multi-year deal with the Bears," said ESPN's John Clayton, adding that he had to look away when Forte announced the painful signing. "We've unfortunately seen this fate befall so many players through the years and while some of them try to recover, after a few years spent battling with a Bears contract, nobody is ever the same." History has shown the effects of signing with Chicago has proven particularly harmful to running backs, with former Bears Cedric Benson, Curtis Enis, Rashaan Salaam and a host of others reaching out to express their sympathies to Forte.
Area Dad Points Out Place That Has Great Reuben Sandwiches #~# 'You Like Reubens, Right?' Father Inquires
Nelson Mandela Turns 94 #~# To celebrate former president and Nobel Peace Prize winner Nelson Mandela’s 94th birthday Wednesday, citizens throughout South Africa dedicated 67 minutes of the day—one minute for each year of Mandela’s public service—to volunteering activities. What do you think?
Additional Findings Show Every Penn State Student, Alumnus Also Knew About Ongoing Child Molestation #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA— The recently released Freeh Report on Pennsylvania State University, which placed blame on university higher-ups for failing to protect children against sexual predator Jerry Sandusky, also revealed that every student attending Penn State from 1990 to the present day was aware of child molestation at their university.
Nelson Mandela Celebrates 94th Birthday In Prison After Violating Parole #~# ROBBEN ISLAND—Following reports he crossed international borders without first calling his parole officer, former South African president Nelson Mandela celebrated his 94th birthday yesterday in a Robben Island prison cell. "It's unfortunate when this sort of thing happens, especially since Nelson's usually so good about the weekly phone calls, drug tests, and not associating with other ex-cons," said Mandela's longtime parole officer, Ted Jackson, who claimed that despite successfully holding down a job as an international dignitary for the past 22 years, the former president is still "held to the same standards as all former inmates." "He's been warned before. Hopefully, this will teach him to call me next time he plans to leave for another overseas conference on international poverty." Mandela previously violated his parole in 1993, after failing to make a court appearance while he was receiving his Nobel Peace Prize.
Chris Christie To Deliver RNC Keynote Speech #~# New Jersey governor Chris Christie has reportedly been chosen to deliver the keynote address at the Republican National Convention next month in Tampa, FL. What do you think?
Christian Bale Glad To Be Done With Most Humiliating Experience Of Professional Life #~# HOLLYWOOD—Calling the last decade the most embarrassing of his 20-year-long acting career, Dark Knight Rises star Christian Bale expressed relief today that his days of "dressing up in a rubber suit and pretending to be a comic book super hero" are finally over. "There wasn't a moment I went to work that I didn't feel completely idiotic affecting that ridiculous, gravelly voice or wearing that absurd black makeup under my eyes," Bale told reporters, adding that every time he looked at himself in a mirror while dressed as Batman he felt like a complete moron. "Here I am hanging from ropes, throwing around what are essentially children’s toys at 'bad guys,' and then to make matters worse, I have to say things like, 'I believe in Harvey Dent.' The whole thing was mortifying." When asked what the most fulfilling moment of his acting career was, Bale mentioned any time he had to do flying splits during the dance scenes in Newsies.
European Debt Crisis Solutions #~# As the debt crisis continues to batter Europe’s finances, many countries, including Greece, Spain, and Italy, have been forced to impose severe austerity measures. Here are some of the efforts being taken to tighten budgets:
Romney Tailors Nursing Home Visit To Those Who Will Still Be Alive On Election Day #~# DAVENPORT, OH—While making campaign stops in Ohio Thursday, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney stopped by the Morningside Assisted-Living Center, where he talked exclusively to elderly men and women who will still be alive and physically able to vote this November. "President Obama has given us a failed economic policy, a job-killing health care plan, and out-of-control government spending, but if I'm elected, I can promise a better, brighter America for you, you, you, not you, definitely not you, and…you," Romney said while shaking the outstretched hands of only the healthiest-looking residents in the Morningside dining hall. "Together, the five of us can help turn this country back into the thriving, prosperous place it once was." At press time, Romney was waiting for his advisers to check the medical records of a smiling 92-year-old woman before returning her wave.
Boy Scouts Reaffirm Policy Banning Gays #~# Following a two-year review, the Boy Scouts of America reaffirmed its practice of denying membership to all openly gay scouts and scout leaders, saying such a policy was "in the best interest of Scouting." What do you think?
Kevin Youkilis Takes Out Full-Page Ad In 'Juggs' To Thank All The Trim In Boston #~# BOSTON—Former Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis took out a full-page advertisement in Juggs on Monday thanking "all the trim in Boston" for being "the absolute greatest cooch in the world." "Dear Gash of Boston: For the past eight years, I have loved every minute I spent dipping my wick inside hot, wet snatch from Braintree to Cambridge and pounding that puss like crazy," the ad, which featured text wrapped around an image of Youkilis flicking his tongue between his index and middle fingers, read in part. "I will always cherish the time I spent deep-dicking your slits and tonguing your clits. Thank you from the bottom of my rock-hard cock, Kevin Youkilis, 69." Youkilis, who returned to Fenway Park this week for the first time since being traded to the White Sox, pretended to hump his baseball cap as he took the field Monday, all the while urging Red Sox fans to show their support by "flashing [him] some beaver."
'You Will Die Someday And It Will Be Sad,' All Man Thinking During Dinner With Parents #~# CHICAGO—During dinner with his visiting parents at the Italian eatery Prosecco last Saturday, the only thing 29-year-old Eric Kauffman could think about was that the man and woman who had raised him, cared for him, and supported him all his life would eventually die, and that their passing would be extremely sad, sources confirmed.
Coachella To Be Held On Cruise Ship #~# Partnering with Celebrity Cruises, the popular Southern California music festival Coachella is expanding its presence to a 3,000-person vessel dubbed the S.S. Coachella, which will travel through the Caribbean this December. What do you think?
More People Turning To YouTube For News #~# A study from the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism found that people are increasingly turning to online video sites like YouTube for their news, with eyewitness footage of events such as natural disasters and political unrest proving particularly popular. What do you think?
God Admits Humans Not Most Impressive Creation #~# 'It's Mountains,' Says Divine Being
Jeremy Lin's Departure Teaches Knicks Fans Important Lesson About Getting Excited By The Knicks #~# NEW YORK—Following the Knicks' decision Tuesday not to match the Houston Rockets' three-year, $25-million offer for point guard Jeremy Lin, depressed New York fans learned a valuable lesson about ever feeling even the slightest bit of excitement for their team. "Goddammit," longtime fan Erik Reid, 52, said upon hearing the Knicks had opted to acquire Raymond Felton from Portland in lieu of re-signing Lin, the team's sole bright spot in an otherwise forgettable 2011-2012 season. "I guess it makes sense when you think about the Ewing-Riley team of the '90s, the entire Isiah Thomas era, spending $100 million on Amar'e Stoudemire, LeBron James choosing Miami over New York, and basically every single management decision under James Dolan. Christ, I really should know better by now." As of press time, Reid had spent several minutes staring wistfully at his Knicks season ticket-renewal form before begrudgingly filling it out and putting it in the mail.
London Olympics Doesn't Have Enough Security Guards #~# Private security firm G4S informed British lawmakers that it would be unable to provide the 10,400 security guards it had promised for the upcoming summer Olympics, admitting that only 4,200 individuals had been trained as of Tuesday. What do you think?
Scientists Say U.S. May Have Discovered Previously Unknown Level Of Not Caring About Syria #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a groundbreaking new scientific study released Tuesday by Harvard University, the U.S. population could very well have discovered a new and unprecedented level of not caring about Syria. "Our research indicates that Americans may have stumbled upon an extreme degree of ignorance and disregard for the plight of dying Syrians that we never before thought humanly possible," said lead researcher Dr. Henry Mason, noting that recent images of the Syrian government openly killing citizens in the nation's streets appeared to have no measurable effect on American psyches. "At some point—possibly after the mass murder of more than 100 men, women, and children in Houla, or when photos of mass graves began appearing across the Internet—the U.S. citizenry must have found previously untapped reserves of callousness, indifference, and self-absorption that were simply beyond the capacity of our research tools to quantify." Mason confirmed that scientists expect apathy levels to rise sharply in further trial studies, primarily because 95 percent of Americans still don't know the president of Syria's name.
My Year Volunteering As A Teacher Helped Educate A New Generation Of Underprivileged Kids vs. Can We Please, Just Once, Have A Real Teacher #~# When I graduated college last year, I was certain I wanted to make a real difference in the world. After 17 years of education, I felt an obligation to share my knowledge and skills with those who needed it most.
Australia May Drop Great White’s Protected Status #~# A surfer was killed by a great white shark off the western coast of Australia Saturday, marking the fifth fatal attack there in under a year and prompting officials to consider ending the protected status of the species. What do you think?
New Study Finds Americans Need 6 Hours Of Sleep At Work #~# PHILADELPHIA—A study published Monday in the Annals Of Internal Medicine concludes that the average American needs at least six full hours of uninterrupted sleep at work in order to leave the office feeling refreshed and alert. "Millions of people are staying up way too late at work," said endocrinologist Hannah Presnall, adding that in order for the body to function properly, workers should arrive at their job, check and send e-mails for two to three hours, and be asleep by 11:30 a.m. at the latest. "More and more people are pulling all-dayers and drinking coffee just to keep themselves awake for meetings and conference calls. But when compared with their better-rested coworkers, these individuals are far more likely to suffer from fatigue and decreased cognitive performance at home." The study recommends that adults who continually find themselves awake at work take Ambien first thing in the morning so they can fall asleep as soon as they arrive at the office.
So You Think You Can Win A Presidential Medal Of Freedom? #~# Fox
Joe Paterno's Name To Remain On Joe Paterno Center For Covering Up Sexual Abuse #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA—Despite mounting pressure following revelations that Joe Paterno helped bury allegations of child abuse against Jerry Sandusky, Penn State University announced Monday that it had voted not to remove the late football coach's name from the Joe Paterno Center for Covering Up Sexual Abuse. "For years, the Joe Paterno Center for Covering Up Sexual Abuse has been at the heart of our athletic program and a revered landmark on the Penn State campus," the university's board of trustees wrote in an official statement on the future of the center, which continues to be funded by the school as well as by donations from fans and alumni. "JoePa built this place from the ground up, and we’re not going to turn our backs on that. This facility is a monument to everything he did for our football team, our university, and our community." The statement also confirmed there were no plans to rename the Joe Paterno Hall of Willful Ignorance, the Joe Paterno Foundation for Raising Football Coaches to the Status of Gods, or the Joe Paterno Institute for the Study of Public Relations Damage Control.
London Authorities Shut Off Springsteen, McCartney Mics #~# At a Bruce Springsteen concert in London’s Hyde Park on Saturday, local authorities shut off the power on stage to comply with a 10:30 p.m. curfew, cutting short the show’s finale, in which Paul McCartney performed alongside the Boss. What do you think?
Romney Comes Clean, Admits He Made $32 Trillion In 2006 #~# BOSTON—In an effort to make a full disclosure of his professional and financial records following discrepancies over his stewardship of Bain Capital, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney admitted Monday that in 2006 he personally made $32 trillion. "It has never been my intention to mislead anybody about my financial history, and so I think it's important for me to reveal that I made roughly $30 trillion dollars in 2006, with various contractual bonuses pushing that total closer to $32 trillion," Romney told an assembled press corps, adding that his 14-figure net income was accurately represented on his 2006 tax return. "I also made $28 trillion dollars in 2007. And another $32 trillion in 2008. The fact is, I am a trillionaire many, many times over, and I don't want anyone to think I haven't been completely honest and transparent about that." The former Massachusetts governor also took the opportunity to reveal that he is currently serving on the directorial boards of 483 Fortune 500 companies.
World's Greatest Athlete Forced Back Into Diamond Mine At Gunpoint #~# KENEMA, SIERRA LEONE—The best athlete in the world, 26-year-old Umaru Conteh, whose natural talents would earn him unimaginable fortune as a global star had he been born into a society with a leisure economy sufficient to support professional sports, was on Saturday marched back into the mine where he is forced to work by armed guards."Go!" the AK-47-wielding man screamed at Conteh, whose one-in-a-billion combination of unbelievably dense fast-twitch muscle, otherworldly eye-hand coordination, and lightning reflexes would enable him to excel in any sport, despite his never having tasted clean water during his two decades of shackled labor in a poorly lit mine. "Down the shaft! Now!" After working for 18 consecutive hours to extract a tiny engagement-ring stone for a twice-divorced Tampa, FL real estate agent, Conteh was transported back home to the slum where he will die years before his unsuspected athletic abilities have a chance to decline.
Commanding General In Afghanistan Has No Idea How War Is Going, Just Trying To Ignore It At This Point #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Admitting he hasn't been following combat operations all that closely lately, Gen. John R. Allen, the top commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan, told reporters Monday he has "no idea" how the war is going and, at this point, is trying to ignore the whole situation as best he can.
Steven Tyler Leaving 'American Idol' #~# After two years serving as a judge, 64-year-old Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler announced he is leaving the long-running Fox reality singing competition American Idol. What do you think?
Tim Duncan Scrubs In To Perform Teammate's Arthroscopic Knee Surgery #~# SAN ANTONIO, TX—As 21-year-old small forward Kawhi Leonard was prepped and placed under general anesthesia Friday, Spurs center Tim Duncan scrubbed up and entered the operating room in University Hospital to perform his teammate's arthroscopic meniscectomy. "With this type of injury, it's best to clear out this scar tissue around the tibia before repairing the tear here on the lateral meniscus," the 13-time NBA All-Star said while pointing to an MRI scan of Leonard's left knee. "Basketball is Kawhi's life, so it's nice to be able to help him get back on the court. Nurse, I'm going to need a C-mount arthroscope and a biting clamp, please." After carefully suturing the last incision, Duncan washed up and began outlining a regimented physical therapy program that would have Leonard playing again by November.
Andrew McCutchen #~# With a .362 average, 60 RBIs, and 18 home runs, Pirates outfielder Andrew McCutchen is already being mentioned in MVP discussions. Is he any good?
'Jesus, What Is It Now?' Says Man Putting Down Swamp Thing Comic To Answer Phone Call From Wife #~# MILWAUKEE—Local man Todd Bogen, 32, reportedly expressed mild annoyance Saturday, muttering, "Jesus, what it is it now?" in response to being interrupted by an incoming phone call from his wife while trying to read Swamp Thing Vol. 3: The Curse.
Rolling Stones Turn 50 #~# The iconic British rock band the Rolling Stones made their debut at London's Marquee Club 50 years ago yesterday. What do you think?
Katie Holmes Glad She Can Finally Practice Scientology In Peace #~# NEW YORK—Speaking publicly for the first time since her divorce, Katie Holmes told reporters Friday that her separation from Tom Cruise has at long last given her the chance to immerse herself completely in the practice of Scientology without the intense media scrutiny that comes with being married to one of the church’s most famous members.
Great Moments In Electric Football History #~# Norman Sas, the inventor of Electric Football, has passed away at 87, leaving behind a legacy of buzzing, spinning, nostalgic football simulation. Onion Sports looks at the greatest milestones in the game he created 
New Comic Features Aquaman As 45-Year-Old Single Father To Troubled Flounder #~# NEW YORK—In what many are calling the publisher's most dramatic relaunch to date, DC Comics released on Wednesday the first issue of a new Aquaman series that depicts the underwater superhero as a 45-year-old single father struggling to raise a troubled flounder. "Written by acclaimed writer Scott Snyder, this new series really captures the depths of Aquaman's character as he agonizes over his flounder wife abandoning the family and then learns that being primary caregiver to a juvenile-delinquent fish is the most difficult challenge in all the seven seas," said DC comics editor-in-chief Bob Harras, adding that the middle-aged Aquaman and his flounder son share a cramped apartment in a rough area of Atlantis. "Aquaman, whose super strength and powers have faded with age, must summon all his telepathic abilities to get through to the violent and aggressive young flounder, who is expelled from school after attacking an ornate cowfish." Harras confirmed that an upcoming storyline would involve Aquaman learning his troubled son was actually fathered by a young Black Manta.
Creepy Fan In Bleachers Watching You More Than Game #~# SEATTLE—Reports from Safeco Field during the sixth inning of Friday's game against the Texas Rangers suggest the creepy fan four rows back is watching you and your friends almost exclusively instead of the game. "After the Mariners scored a run, everybody was standing and high-fiving, but that weird dude just sat there and stared at us," your friend Rich confirmed, adding that when he and the creep locked eyes, Rich tried to gesture as if to ask, "What do you want?" and the off-putting fan had "just smiled." "And just a few minutes ago when we all started laughing at Josh's story about his train ride, I swear to God that guy started laughing with us, even though there is no way he heard what we were saying." At press time, the sick fucker actually has the gall to move one row up into an empty seat approximately 3 feet closer to you but then watch a few plays as if to pretend he just wants a better view of the game.
Bin Laden's Cook Released From Gitmo #~# After 10 years as a prisoner at Guantánamo Bay, 52-year-old Ibrahim al-Qosi, who served as a cook at an al-Qaeda compound in Afghanistan, was released and allowed to return to Sudan. What do you think?
Bill Belichick Lauded For Volunteer Work At Local Morgue #~# BOSTON—New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick was lauded Friday for his volunteer work at the Boston City Morgue, receiving praise from its staff for his dedication, enthusiasm, and affable attitude while working at the storage facility for human remains.
Under Armour Celebrates 5 Years Of Dominating Roided-Out-High-School-Asshole Market #~# BALTIMORE—The unusually successful Under Armour athletic wear company celebrated five years of market domination Thursday, presenting financial records and surveys indicating it has commanded an 88 percent share of the U.S. arrogant high-school-aged-steroid-dickhead demographic since 2007. "We're proud to be the leisure and exercise garment of choice for roided-out cocks who treat others like garbage," said Under Armour founder and CEO Kevin Plank, who set his sights on the athletics-focused teenaged prick in 1996 and never looked back. "Of course, we're going to lose a few sales to Hollister and Ed Hardy when our asshole customers need formal wear, but that's just the business. Suck it, faggots!" The company is expected to remain dominant until its current young-belligerent-asshole customers age out of Under Armour and into generic sweatpants, generous-fit blue jeans, and polyester-blend police uniforms.
Daniel Tosh Chuckles Through Own Violent Rape #~# 'You Just Gotta Laugh,' Reports Comedian Through Blood And Tears
House Votes To Repeal 'Obamacare' #~# In a largely symbolic measure, the House of Representatives voted 244-185 to repeal the Affordable Care Act, the 33rd time in the past year and a half that the GOP-controlled chamber has sought to eliminate or curb the policy. What do you think?
Comic Book Movies Dominate Summer Box Office #~# With The Avengers having taken in $1.5 billion worldwide, and the final installment of the Batman trilogy due in theaters this month, movie companies are rushing to option more comic book properties. Here are some currently in production:
Freeh Report: Joe Paterno Burning In Hell Right Now #~# PHILADELPHIA—Releasing a full report of his investigation into the Penn State scandal at a press conference Thursday morning, former FBI director Louis J. Freeh disclosed that the late Joe Paterno was indeed burning in hell at this very moment for his part in covering up the sexual abuse of young boys. "My examination of the available documents found that Jerry Sandusky's activities were almost certainly known to Coach Paterno, who failed to act appropriately in reporting or following up on certain incidents and who is indeed shrieking in indescribable anguish as the searing flames of hell devour his flesh for all eternity," Freeh told reporters, adding that Paterno's firing by the university was also warranted. "Every moment since his death has been one of pure suffering and excruciating, flesh-melting torment, based on the interdepartmental communications given to us for review." Freeh refused to confirm whether Penn State fans and alumni who supported Paterno during the scandal would also eventually burn in hell, saying they had "the remainder of their lives" to reflect and repent and "may still escape eternal and painful damnation."
Owner Of Independent Comic Book Store In Ohio Not Quite Sure How He's Still In Business #~# DOVER, OH—Citing his town's sparse population and an increasingly niche comic-book market, Edge Comics owner Chris Moore admitted Thursday that he is not really sure how his store has remained in business for the past seven years. "With my storefront rent at $3,600 per month and inventory running another $1,500 on top of that, I really should have been out on the street years ago," said Moore, adding that even on a good day he sees no more than 20 customers, tops. "I mean, I'm not exactly selling luxury cars here. My main customer base is 12-year-old kids who stop by once a week to spend their allowance on a $3.99 comic book. Or two comic books, if I'm lucky." At press time, the store's lone customer flipped through a collected edition of Punisher MAX before putting it back on the rack and quietly walking out the door.
Peter O'Toole Retires #~# After a career of six decades, 79-year-old Irish actor Peter O’Toole, famous for his starring roles in Lawrence Of Arabia and Goodbye, Mr. Chips, as well as a life of hard drinking and carousing, has announced his retirement. What do youthink?
'Dark Knight Rises' Opts For Lighthearted, Cartoonish Tone #~# 'It's Fun, Like A Comic Book,' Says Christopher Nolan
Romney Receives 20-Minute Standing Ovation At NAAWP Event #~# HOUSTON—During an address Wednesday to the National Association for the Advancement of White People, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney received a lengthy standing ovation from the group of 2,000 Caucasians who had gathered to hear him speak. The NAAWP, a 400-year-old organization with a membership of nearly 8 million whites nationwide, is expected to be firmly in Romney's camp come November. "Thank you, thank you so much," said Romney, whose speech was repeatedly interrupted by wave after wave of raucous applause and numerous chants of "We love Mitt!" "I love you, too. Really, this is too much." Romney’s reception came in stark contrast to the welcome given to President Barack Obama, who spoke to the NAAWP last Thursday and was loudly booed for saying, "Hello, thanks for having me."
Romney Courts Black Voters With NAACP Speech #~# Hoping to win votes among a demographic that supported Barack Obama by a margin of 19-to-1 in the last election, GOP candidate Mitt Romney today addressed the NAACP’s annual convention, an event Obama decided to skip this year. What do you think?
David Ortiz Asks Kansas City Grounds Crew To Turn Off Stadium Lights So Teams Can See All The Stars #~# KANSAS CITY—After the seventh-inning stretch of Tuesday night's MLB All-Star game, Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz spoke to several members of the Kauffman Stadium grounds crew requesting they turn off all the lights, as the evening had grown dark enough for both teams to see all the stars they were brought there to see. "All these bright lights scare the stars away, but this is the game where we're supposed to see them all, so we need to turn off the lights to help them come out," said Ortiz, adding that he hoped the stars in Kansas City would be as good as the ones he saw in Arizona last year. "I keep getting invited back because I know all the shapes the stars make, like the big baseball bat and the ‘W’ and the triangle and the one that looks like home plate if it was kind of shorter in one part." After several crew members, umpires, and teammates informed Ortiz that the lights would in fact not be turned off, the Boston slugger refused to move from the AL bench or speak to anybody about the game unless they called it the "No-Star Game."
'Richie Rich' Comics Introduces New, Even Gayer Character #~# NEW YORK—DC Comics executives announced Tuesday that their upcoming revival of the popular Harvey Comics title Richie Rich would introduce a new, even gayer character to the popular series. "With the addition of Richie's visiting cousin Mitchell Happy in the first three issues, readers can expect to meet the Richie Rich universe's gayest character yet," said spokesperson Thomas Young, adding that Mitchell would be even more overtly flamboyant than characters like Jackie Jokers, Uncle Worry, and the Riches' longtime butler, Cadbury. "If readers thought Richie's friends Freckles and Pee-Wee Friendly were as gay as this comic could get, they've got another thing coming." Young also teased the addition of Wendy the Witch's stunningly new butch friend Steph.
Russia Ends Sales Of Weapons To Syria #~# Sixteen months into a bloody crackdown in Syria that has left an estimated 17,000 dead, Russia has agreed to halt arms shipments to the Assad regime. What do you think?
Comic-Con Once Again Marred By Increasingly Popular Bully-Con #~# SAN DIEGO—Sources confirmed Tuesday the comic book and sci-fi expo Comic-Con was once again tarnished by the presence of the increasingly popular Bully-Con, a brutal event held simultaneously in the same convention space and attended by some of the nation’s most die-hard fans of pummeling nerds.
Dog Owners Have Healthier Babies #~# A study in the journal Pediatrics found that infants who lived in homes with dogs had fewer coughs, colds, and ear infections than infants from canine-free homes. What do you think?
Obama Pledges To Repeal Health Care Law If Reelected #~# WASHINGTON—Calling it a "poorly conceived and irresponsible piece of legislation, pure and simple," President Obama made a public pledge to voters Tuesday that, if reelected, he would fight to repeal the recently upheld Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.
Comics Not Just For Kids Anymore, Reports 85,000th Mainstream News Story #~# NEWSSTAND—Though comics have long been considered a favorite pastime of children and teenagers, the continued popularity of comic books and movies for adults proves the genre isn't just for kids anymore, bold national news outlets reported for the 85,000th time this week. "Exchanging lighthearted fare for darker subject matter, films like The Dark Knight Rises and graphic novels by authors such as Chris Ware show that comics can have immense appeal for adults," read the groundbreaking article, making an astute and truly mind-blowing observation that had only been made 84,999 times before. "You may think adult-oriented comic books are merely the province of Archie and Jughead, but if the current trend is any indication, one thing remains clear: Comics are growing up." The incredibly perceptive and original article also specifically mentioned the work of writer Alan Moore, an obscure reference point that has only been used in every single article like this ever written.
Time In Outer Space Lengthens Worms' Lives #~# A study of microscopic worms taken aboard the International Space Station found that the suppression of several genes during their exposure to a microgravity environment resulted in longer life spans. What do you think?
This Roller Coaster Fails To Capture The Spirit Of My Heroic Adventures #~# To say I was flattered when I heard Six Flags was interested in developing a thrill ride bearing my name is an understatement. I was quite frankly honored, and even excited, that someone would choose to tell my story in roller-coaster form. I just thought, “What a cool thing,” you know? It was a real feather in my cap, and a real treat.
George Zimmerman Not Going To Let One Bad Experience Deter Him From Neighborhood Watch Responsibilities #~# SANFORD, FL—Out of jail after posting a $1 million bond, George Zimmerman told reporters Monday he remained firmly committed to community safety and had no intention of letting a single unpleasant episode prevent him from fulfilling his regular neighborhood watch duties. "Just because I had one little setback doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to forget my pledge to keep the Retreat at Twin Lakes safe and crime-free," said Zimmerman, adding that his arrest on charges of murdering 17-year-old Trayvon Martin was just a "single crummy day," and he was eager to get back to patrolling his gated subdivision of townhouses for suspicious activity. "So I had a bad experience and it spooked me. So what? I’ve got to dust myself off and try again. After all, they need me out there." At press time, Zimmerman reported that being back behind the wheel of his SUV and quietly scanning his darkened neighborhood streets again "feels good. Feels right."
Romney Raises Record-Breaking $106 Million #~# Republican Mitt Romney's presidential campaign took in $106 million in June, or roughly $3.5 million a day, breaking a fundraising record for the second consecutive month. What do you think?
Economically Healthy 'Daily Planet' Now Most Unrealistic Part Of Superman Universe #~# NEW YORK—Frustrated fans of the Superman comic book said Monday the continued financial stability and cultural relevance of the series' Daily Planet newspaper is now the most unrealistic part of its universe and an annoying distraction that has ruined their reading experience.
Giraffes Of The Kalahari #~# Discovery
Dana Alvarez and Ryan Coffman #~# Dana Alvarez and Ryan Coffman tied the knot Saturday night at Beef ‘O’ Brady’s just to get that drunken Unification Church officiate off their goddamn backs.
Mexican Program Aims To Reach Drug Lords Before They Get Caught Up In Cartels #~# CIUDAD JUÁREZ, MEXICO—Community advocates in Ciudad Juárez, Mexico, announced Tuesday the launch of a new intervention program aimed at reaching out to impressionable drug lords at high risk for becoming involved in cartels. "Drug lords' millions of dollars, control of ruthless paramilitary forces, and ownership of thousands of marijuana plantations make them by far the most vulnerable recruiting target for cartels," said program coordinator Jorge Garc'a Botella, adding that drug lords typically lack the kinds of positive role models who might encourage them to use their vast networks of smuggling tunnels more constructively. "Cartels provide drug lords with the sense of belonging they crave, but then these groups exploit them, using them for the influence they have over corrupt government officials." Garc'a Botella warned that if no one intervenes, most narcotics kingpins will end up becoming just another statistic responsible for 20 percent of all the cocaine smuggled through Mexico.
George Clooney Beginning To Think He Should Buy His Own Tuxedo #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying he didn’t want to go overboard but thought it would be a pretty good investment considering his line of work, veteran actor George Clooney told reporters Wednesday he’s been thinking about just going ahead and buying his own tuxedo. “At first I thought I wouldn’t need one, but I walk into a rental store around 175 times a year, and even the guys there say, ‘Why don’t you just buy one already?’” Clooney told People magazine, explaining that he spent more than $300,000 last year renting the same black Giorgio Armani. “That makes sense, because I’d get a lot of mileage out of it, and after a while, it would probably pay for itself. Maybe I’ll wait and see if I get invited to the Oscars this year, just in case.” Clooney added that because he travels so frequently, he is also considering buying a car instead of using a bus pass.
The Rookie #~# ABC
Keith Richards' Housekeeper Has Braced Herself For Finding Dead Body Every Morning Since 1976 #~# WESTON, CT—Since her first day on the job in October 1976, Keith Richards' housekeeper Rosemary Velasquez, 64, has mentally and emotionally prepared herself every single day to find the hard-living Rolling Stones guitarist lying dead somewhere in his home.
Dr. J #~# This week's Strong Side/Weak Side Classic explores the wonder that was Julius Erving.
International Olympic Medal Incentives #~# Winning the gold in international amateur competition is its own reward, but participating nations have found other ways to show their appreciation.
Richard Janosch and Carla DeVore #~# Richard Janosch and Carla DeVore were married Saturday after realizing they were probably breaking up so often because it wasn't illegal.
Man Sneaks In Mid-Snack Nibble #~# CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Local man Gary Crawford reportedly sneaked in a quick mid-snack nibble Thursday, devouring an Oreo cookie to pacify an intense craving the 46-year-old experienced while munching from a box of Cheez-It crackers. "I started feeling hungry between chews and had a hankering for something sweet, so I figured slipping an Oreo in there might just hit the spot," Crawford said. "It definitely helped tide me over until the next handful of Cheez-Its." Crawford confirmed that after finishing the crackers he enjoyed a post-snack pork-out by gnawing on a summer sausage.
Nation's Couples Hit Rough Spell #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—According to a survey released Tuesday by psychologists at Brown University, couples in the United States have been going through a bit of a rough patch lately, and if something doesn't change, and change soon, the future of their relationships may be in doubt.
Hitchin' #~# Travel
Man Who Pulls Up With Music Pumping Probably Coming From Someplace Cooler #~# SAN JOSE, CA—According to sources stopped at the corner of Fourth and St. James Streets, the man driving the custom-painted 2002 Honda Civic with speakers blasting Sean Paul must be coming from someplace much, much cooler. "My God, the racing decals, that chest-thumping bass, those sunglasses inverted so as to rest upon the back of his head. What kind of totally badass place did this guy just leave, and how do I get there myself?" said Dan Singleman, awestruck even to be in the presence of a man reclined so far back in the driver's seat. "Just look at him. The fact that his rear window is tinted makes me wonder if there are additional cool people sitting in the back who do not wish to be seen by those who are less cool." Judging by the burnout the man just performed, Singleman said he could only assume the driver must also be on his way to someplace very cool.
New Study Finds 85% Of Americans Don't Know All The Dance Moves To National Anthem #~# BOSTON—According to a survey published Wednesday by historians at Boston University, more than 85 percent of Americans are unfamiliar with the upbeat, traditional dance routine intended to accompany the singing of the national anthem.
Margaret Jones and Todd Jacobson #~# Margaret Jones and Todd Jacobson said their vows in front of friends and family at a large outdoor ceremony in Jefferson Park, and then again in a private voodoo ceremony immediately after.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Completes Horror Movie Script About Giant Hook From Sky Killing People #~# LOS ANGELES—Former NBA superstar and Hall of Fame center Kareem Abdul-Jabbar confirmed Monday he had finished writing a horror screenplay about a terrifying giant hook that comes from the sky and kills millions of people. "So at the start, life is normal, but then this massive razor-sharp hook suddenly appears in the sky and starts murdering people, and everyone's in awe of it, but no one can do anything because it's unstoppable," said Abdul-Jabbar, the NBA's all-time scoring leader, who told reporters he has spent the past six years working on the script. "People try to put up their arms to block it, but the huge hook arches way high up in the sky and then comes back down and decapitates all of them." According to Abdul-Jabbar, the huge scary hook escaped from a mental institution in the sky.
Anchower's Gotta Spend Some Time Away #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been pretty fucked up. The starter on my Festiva finally burned out. The thing is that most Festivas are beyond junked, so I can't find a replacement starter at a scrapyard. Now, every time I need to drive, I have to park on a hill so I can pop-start it.
Nation Celebrates Independence Day #~# This Fourth of July, communities throughout the United States will once again gather together to commemorate the nation's independence with baseball games, parades, fireworks, and other annual traditions that often date back generations. Here's how towns and cities nationwide are celebrating the holiday:
Congress Raises Livestock Minimum Wage To $6.50 Per Hour #~# WASHINGTON—In response to mounting pressures from domesticated farm animals, Congress voted Monday to raise the minimum wage for livestock to $6.50 an hour. "A lot of these animals are on their hooves all day pulling 10-hour shifts down at the slaughterhouse," said Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA), who co-sponsored the first livestock minimum-wage increase since 1993. "This bill ensures sheep, goats, chickens, and cows a fair wage, and will allow them to continue putting corn and oats in the trough. The costs of barns, pens, and pastureland have increased—why shouldn't their paychecks?" President Obama said he would sign the bill even though it did not include the tougher regulations he had pushed for to discourage gender-based discrimination in the farmyard.
I Can Dance—Now What? #~# Fox
Dodgers Grounds Crew Places Tarp Over Unsightly Crowd #~# LOS ANGELES—The Los Angeles Dodgers were forced to stop play Sunday against the Chicago White Sox to allow the grounds crew to come out and pull a tarp over the unsightly Dodger Stadium crowd. "You hate to stop the game, but it was getting next to impossible for the guys to play in conditions like that," manager Don Mattingly said of the 38,000 hideous Dodger fans who filled the stands, nearly ruining the game by being clearly visible. "I'm just glad our grounds crew reacted quickly, because Lord knows the damage those fans could have done to the facility otherwise. Somebody almost certainly would have gotten hurt." The specially made tarp used to cover Dodger Stadium attendees is the second-largest tarp in Major League Baseball behind that used by the Indians during home games to cover the rest of Cleveland.
Great, Now It's Turned Into A Whole Big Thing #~# BOSTON—Reiterating that this wasn't supposed to be a whole big thing, and that they still can't believe this, sources confirmed today that it has now turned into a huge deal. "Oh, great, this is just perfect," sources said, adding that this definitely could have been avoided and people certainly aren't helping by making more of it than it actually is. "Here we go again. Seriously, can we not?" At press time, sources had decided we can just talk about it later.
Report On Continuing Plight Of Millions Of Unemployed Americans Results In Round Of High-Fives At Romney Campaign Headquarters #~# BOSTON—Bleak unemployment numbers released Wednesday reportedly sent a wave of applause cascading through the headquarters of Mitt Romney's presidential campaign, with staffers rejoicing at news that millions of jobless Americans will continue to face crippling debt and emotional hardship as the election draws near.
Fussy J.J. Hardy Refuses To Stand On Nonorganic Dirt #~# ATLANTA—Fussy Orioles shortstop J.J. Hardy defiantly refused to stand on the nonorganic dirt in Turner Field Friday, complaining to coaches and teammates that the disgusting mixture of clay, silt, and sand was full of harmful additives and chemicals. "Yuck, no way I'm taking even one step on that gross stuff," said Hardy, who reportedly did not budge from his seat in the dugout. "It's not good for you to stand around in anything but pure, natural infield dirt with USDA organic certification. All that synthetic loam, processed sediment, and artificial brown coloring will make you sick or give you foot cancer." As of press time, J.J. Hardy had agreed to stand on several raw-cotton pads placed over the infield dirt.
Days Of Our Lives #~# NBC
Clint Eastwood Gives Bizarre Speech #~# Speaking nearly 12 minutes instead of his allotted five, Oscar-winning director and actor Clint Eastwood, 82, delivered unusual, rambling remarks at the Republican National Convention in which he pretended to talk with an invisible President Obama seated in an empty chair on stage. What do you think?
Cowboys Give Dez Bryant List Of Rules He Can Break #~# DALLAS—In response to numerous off-the-field issues over the past several years, team sources confirmed Friday that the Dallas Cowboys have provided wide receiver Dez Bryant with a clear set of personal conduct rules that he is allowed to break. "If Dez ignores the midnight curfew, skips the twice-a-week counseling session, or drinks alcohol from time to time, that's totally fine," said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, adding that the third-year wideout can also visit strip clubs as long as he avoids getting into fights. "We expect that Mr. Bryant will certainly try not to initiate arguments with police officers. And for Christ's sake, Dez, don't hit your mom with a closed fist." At press time, Jones was reportedly relieved to learn Bryant was completely sober after having been pulled over for speeding and reckless driving at 3 a.m. Friday.
Features Of LeBron James' New Shoe #~# With Nike set to release its new LeBron X sneaker this fall, the alleged $315 retail price of the shoe’s premium version has caused quite a stir. Onion Sports examines some of the basketball shoe’s innovative features. 
Doctors: Sidney Crosby Has Greatly Improved Ability To Hide Concussion Symptoms Lately #~# PITTSBURGH—A team of specialists helping Pittsburgh Penguins center Sidney Crosby to recover from multiple concussions announced Thursday that the All-Star has dramatically improved his ability to hide symptoms of his traumatic brain injuries from doctors, trainers, and teammates.
'You Did Great!' Terrified Personal Assistant Tells Clint Eastwood #~# TAMPA, FL—Following Clint Eastwood’s surprise speech Thursday evening at the Republican National Convention, in which he used catchphrases from his old movies and addressed an empty chair as though Barack Obama were sitting in it, absolutely petrified personal assistant Tim Weddle nervously informed the famed actor and movie director that he “did great!” “Wow, that was amazing! Seriously, you were really, really great—everyone loved it so much,” a trembling Weddle carefully told Eastwood moments after the 82-year-old film legend finished his speech and walked slowly off the stage. “And you were so funny, too! Oh my God, so funny. The chair thing went over really well. You should have heard the laughter and applause from out here, Clint. Honestly, Clint. Honestly. And you looked so young, too!” At press time, a perspiring Weddle was frantically trying to keep Eastwood as far away as possible from any televisions, computers, or newspapers.
'A Cashier At Our Davenport Location Did What?' Disgusted Sbarro CEO Asks #~# MELVILLE, NY—Following an update Friday on the status of the chain's 238 pizzerias throughout the Midwest region, witnesses said Sbarro CEO James Greco disgustedly sighed, shook his head, and said, "A cashier at our Davenport location did what?" "You've got to be kidding me," continued a visibly deflated Greco, asking who was responsible for hiring the employee in question, whether the cashier had been told that what he did was absolutely unacceptable, and whether any customers saw. "Jesus. Okay, well, did they clean it up? And what about the smell? Is it gone?" After reportedly asking his colleagues what excuse the cashier could have possibly given for doing what he did, Greco stopped his associates before they could answer and said, "You know what? I don't even want to know."
Lohan Banned From Hotel For $46,000 Unpaid Bill #~# Actress Lindsay Lohan has been banned from the chic Chateau Marmont hotel in Hollywood, where she lived during June and July, after failing to pay $46,350 in accommodations charges, room service, restaurant tabs, and cigarette and mini-bar fees. What do you think?
Best They Could Get Accepts Republican Nomination #~# TAMPA, FL—Addressing thousands of faithful GOP supporters at the Republican National Convention Thursday evening, the best they could get right now formally accepted the party’s nomination for the presidency of the United States.
Valiant Fact-Checkers Once Again Save American Political System From Descending Into Corruption #~# TAMPA, FL—By bringing to light the many factual inaccuracies in vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan’s speech to the Republican National Convention on Wednesday, a gallant group of fact-checkers has once again defended the unblemished honor of American electoral politics, protecting its famed innocence from any stain of corruption. “Ryan’s accusation that the president funneled $716 billion out of Medicare at the expense of senior citizens is highly misleading, and it also ignores the fact that Ryan himself has called for identical cuts in payments to health care providers,” read a statement posted by the gallant knights of PolitiFact, who, along with their courageous brethren at FactCheck.org, have ensured our political discourse remains forever unsullied by the slightest duplicity or fraud. “Furthermore, when Ryan asserted that Obama ignored the Simpson-Bowles Commission’s plan to resolve the debt crisis, he failed to mention that he was on that commission himself and actually voted against the plan.” With the entire American populace seeing the truth behind vice presidential nominee’s lies and adjusting its political sympathies accordingly, the noble and selfless band of fact-checkers rode off victoriously into the dark of night.
Vince Young Rewatches 2006 Rose Bowl Game Alone At Bus Depot #~# BUFFALO, NY—In the wake of his release from the Bills earlier this week, quarterback Vince Young was reportedly spotted sitting alone Thursday night rewatching the 2005-2006 BCS National Championship game on his laptop at a Buffalo bus depot. “Just look at that speed, that agility, that confidence to break out of the pocket and make a play,” Young said to no one in particular, describing aloud the thrilling 41-38 victory over USC. “Fourth and five with 26 seconds left, the Longhorns down by five, can Young do it? There’s the snap, Young steps back to pass, now he takes off for the end zone. Go Vince Go! Touchdown! Vince Young wins it for the Longhorns!” After watching the national championship trophy presentation, sources confirmed that Young was heard mumbling, “This kid will be a huge NFL star someday.”
New Orleans Survives Hurricane #~# Seven years to the day after Hurricane Katrina made landfall, New Orleans managed to survive a battering from Hurricane Isaac yesterday, with its reinforced system of levees keeping the city largely dry and safe amid the Category 1 storm. What do you think?
Patty Reese and Ken Sanders #~# Patty Reese and Ken Sanders kept their invitation list manageable by going with a peanut- and shellfish-themed wedding.
Romney's Acceptance Speech To Avoid Mentioning Personal, Professional, Religious, Political Life #~# TAMPA, FL—According to sources within Mitt Romney’s campaign, the presidential nominee’s acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention tonight will aim to solidify the support of his base and appeal to undecided voters by avoiding all mention of his personal, professional, religious, and political backgrounds. “Given what a big stage this is, we think it’s best for Mitt to stay away from potentially divisive topics that could raise any doubts or cast him in a negative light among voters, such as his family background, his church, his childhood and teen years, his term as Massachusetts governor, his income level and tax rate, his finances in general, and basically any of his views past or present on health care, abortion, gun control, immigration, environmental protection, and same-sex rights,” said chief speechwriter Lindsay Hayes, noting that Romney’s residences, where he went to college, his career at Bain Capital, where he went to graduate school, his overseas bank accounts, any political opinions he vocalized between 1994 and 2008, and his religious mission to France would also go unaddressed. “Mitt has some really great things to say about America and freedom, though, so definitely tune in for that.” Sources expect Romney’s speech to clock in at under four minutes.
Teen Unaware He Locked In Heated Ongoing Competition With Parents' Friends' Son #~# CHEYENNE, WY—Sources confirmed Wednesday that local high school sophomore Jeffrey Levine, 16, is oblivious to the fact that he is currently engaged in an intense and continuous no-holds-barred competition with classmate Eric Nelson, the son of his parents’ friends.
Piracy Down Sharply Off African Coast #~# Citing vigilant patrolling by international forces and heightened security by shippers, the U.S. Navy stated that so far this year pirates have carried out only nine successful attacks near the Horn of Africa, as compared with 34 in all of 2011 and 68 in 2010. What do you think?
World Wildlife Fund Quickly Backtracks After Announcing Panda Ears Are Delicious #~# 'They're Really Good, But We Shouldn't Be Saying That,' Says Spokesman
John McCain Just Blew His Brains Out During RNC Speech #~# Senator Had Been Depressed About Current State Of GOP, Career
Rodent-Borne Virus Kills 2 At Yosemite #~# With four visitors who stayed in cabins at Yosemite National Park this summer having contracted hantavirus, and two having died from the rodent-spread disease, park officials have contacted 1,700 recent guests to warn them they may be at risk. What do you think?
Tim Darje #~# Tim Darje kissed his bride for the first time as man and wife in front  of everyone Saturday, but really hoped none of his buddies saw.
Brave Woman Enters Restaurant Without First Looking It Up Online #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Unequipped with a smartphone or any other way to access a consensus opinion on the restaurant’s food and service, local woman Tanya Shaw reportedly drew a deep, resolved breath earlier today as she bravely entered Madam Jane’s Thai Cuisine without first looking it up online. “Well, I haven’t pored over the menu on the restaurant’s website, read the first 20 Yelp ratings, or scanned any online reviews from blogs or newspapers, but here we go,” Shaw said to herself as she valiantly opened the door of the small Thai café, knowing she could very well be subjecting herself to a meal that got a “Like It” rating of 40 percent on Urbanspoon. “Christ, I haven’t even seen a single picture of the food before on someone’s Tumblr page. I’m flying totally blind here.” At press time, Shaw had ordered an appetizer and an entrée based purely on their menu descriptions, having no idea if either item had made Zagat.com’s list of “Signature Dishes.”
Jeb Bush Warns RNC Attendees Of Bad Cialis Going Around Parking Lot #~# TAMPA, FL—According to sources on the floor of the Republican National Convention, former Florida governor Jeb Bush made his way through the crowd Wednesday afternoon to spread the word about a bad batch of Cialis that some guys were trying to sell out in the parking lot. “Don’t waste your money on any of that stuff they’re hawking out there,” said Bush, who reportedly took John Boehner, Eric Cantor, and Newt Gingrich aside to emphasize that the pills were “really weak shit.” “You get your hopes up. You think, ‘Wow, $35 Cialis?’ But it’s bunk. If you want the good stuff, you gotta pay for it.” At press time, Bush was again making the rounds to inform everyone the Levitra he had acquired from a guy backstage had turned out to be “absolutely primo.”
Do you agree with the Netflix board of directors' decision that 'Michael' is stream worthy? #~# Back to story:  Netflix Board Of Directors Meets To Decide If 'Michael' Is Stream Worthy
Pediatricians Tout Benefits Of Circumcision #~# After a major review of medical research, the American Academy of Pediatrics announced that the benefits of circumcising newborn males outweighed the risks, citing in particular circumcised men’s lower risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. What do you think?
Netflix Board Of Directors Meets To Decide If 'Michael' Is Stream Worthy #~# LOS GATOS, CA—According to sources within the company, Netflix’s board of directors held a tense series of meetings Friday to decide whether the 1996 fantasy-comedy Michael, starring actor John Travolta, should be included among the movies available through its instant-viewing program.
Entire Republican National Convention Stunned As Ann Romney Asks For Divorce #~# TAMPA, FL—Ann Romney shocked the crowd at the Tampa Bay Times Forum into silence Tuesday, announcing during her remarks to the Republican National Convention that she plans to divorce her husband of 43 years, whom the party had just nominated for president of the United States. “Good evening and welcome! I want to use this opportunity to talk about my husband Mitt and ask him for a divorce,” said Romney, who sources confirmed received two seconds of applause before the audience processed what she had actually said. “Mitt Romney is fiscally strong, he has a great vision for this country’s future, and I’m requesting a very substantial figure in alimony. I strongly feel this is what’s best, both for me and for our family, and my decision is final. If he wants to discuss the matter further he can contact my attorney.” Following the speech, a beaming Mitt Romney reportedly walked across the stage, took the microphone from Ann, and asked the crowd, “Wasn’t she great, everybody?” to continued silence.
Gay Marine Beaten To Bloody Pulp To Fire Up RNC Crowd #~# TAMPA, FL—Excitement on the floor of the Republican National Convention reached a fever pitch Tuesday, as attendees were treated to a rally at the Tampa Bay Times Forum featuring the savage beating of an openly gay Marine.
Will.i.am To Debut New Song On Mars #~# With the help of NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab, Black Eyed Peas star will.i.am is set to debut his newest single, “Reach For The Stars,” on the Martian surface today at 4 p.m. EDT, playing the song through speakers on the Mars rover Curiosity. What do you think?
Democratic Scouts Head To Tampa To Get Closer Look At Mitt Romney #~# TAMPA, FL—In an effort to better gauge the competition, scouts for the Democratic Party headed to the Republican National Convention in Tampa this week to size up GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney. “We’ve seen him on tape, so we already know he’s got great speaking mechanics and a dominant gesturing arm,” said lead scout Karl Ponias, 68, noting that Romney has been known to “bring some serious heat” during debates. “At 6-foot-2, and with a 6-foot-3 wingspan, Romney has a body built for campaigning. Combine that with a solid stance behind the podium, and you definitely have a politician who can speak with power. And quickness? The guy can make upwards of four rhetorical points in 45 seconds. No doubt about it, he’s a five-tool candidate.” According to scouts in both parties, if Romney has any weakness in his political game, it’s mental, because when it comes to the issues he often doesn’t know where he stands.
Astros Not Even Good Enough To Play For Pride #~# HOUSTON—Citing the unbelievable lack of depth at virtually every position on their roster, team sources confirmed Monday that the Houston Astros, who have the worst record in the majors, are not even good enough to play for pride at this point. "It'd be nice to at least have enough scraps of talent to compete for dignity's sake," said Astros outfielder J.D. Martinez, adding that the harder the players try, the more embarrassing the team's performances become. "Obviously we would love to get out there and give it our all for ourselves, our families, the Astros organization, and the fans in Houston. But we'd still suck, so what's the point?" At press time, the Astros were losing.
Hot New 'Murder Craze' Sweeps Chicago #~# CHICAGO—According to the nation’s tastemakers and trendsetters, the city of Chicago is currently wrapped up in a hot new murder craze, with murders occurring almost every day of the week, and sometimes happening well into the night.  “Englewood, Roseland, and Lawndale are some of the trendiest murder spots in the Windy City, with double or even triple homicides taking place on some of the hippest street corners and housing projects,” said trend expert Alyssa Mayrose, adding that while urban youths are at the cutting edge of the citywide craze, everyone, including middle-aged men and women, are getting caught up in Chicago’s “murder mania.”  “Some of the über-hip, very exclusive murders are happening in little tucked away places, like in the back alley of Lloyd’s Lounge in Riverdale. But if you are out on the town and want to find a murder, believe me,  you don’t have to look that hard. Bottom line: If you’ve got a gun or a knife and you want to kill someone, Chicago is the place to be right now.” Mayrose added that with the Chicago Police Department in complete and utter disarray, there is no indication that the cool, happening new trend of murdering people will end anytime soon.
Report: More Than 280 Yao Mings Killed By Chinese Poachers In 2012 #~# HANGZHOU, CHINA—According to a disturbing report released Thursday by the Species Survival Network, Chinese poachers have slaughtered more than 280 endangered Yao Mings this year, pushing the majestic creatures to the brink of extinction.
Here Are All Of My Opinions #~# I have 47 opinions. Here they are, in no particular order:
NYPD Criticized For Shooting Amid Crowds #~# After wounding nine bystanders while killing a gunman outside the Empire State Building Friday and an earlier incident in which a knife-wielding man near Times Square was fatally shot, New York police face scrutiny over their protocol for opening fire in crowded locations. What do you think?
Stars Earn Stripes #~# NBC
GOP Convention To Feature Strong Lineup Of Conservative Women Listeners #~# TAMPA, FL—On the eve of the Republican National Convention, GOP officials have announced that the three-day event will feature a solid, all-star lineup of the party’s most prominent female listeners. “A veritable who’s who of conservative women are scheduled to stand on the convention floor and listen attentively to what each male speaker has to say about the major issues facing our country,” RNC communications director Sean Spicer said Monday, confirming that an impressive variety of blond, smiling women with perfectly maintained hair and jewelry will be on prominent display and seated near television cameras. “I would say this is one of the most impressive rosters of dead-silent female Republicans wearing nice dresses that we’ve ever had at the convention.” Spicer also reassured convention-goers that the solid roster of women listeners had all been informed not to get in the way too much and, if possible, to show slightly more cleavage.
RNC Builds Levee Out Of Poor People To Protect Convention Site #~# TAMPA, FL—With Tropical Storm Isaac’s torrential rains battering the Gulf Coast of Florida, Republican National Convention organizers raced to build a protective levee out of local poor people Monday in order to prevent the Tampa Bay Times Forum from flooding. “We brought in several truckloads of low-income residents and welfare recipients from the Tampa area, and we have dozens of volunteers laying them down flat and packing them real close together to create a watertight barrier,” said Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus, noting that there were “more than enough” impoverished families devastated by foreclosures to fashion a sufficient levee around the entire 20,000-seat structure. “We’re still looking forward to a very productive, successful three days of celebrating conservative values and laying out a bold new direction for our country. And in terms of the storm, the poor people are now stacked nearly 5 feet high and 4 feet deep, so we should be good.” In a further attempt to assuage concerns about safety, Priebus confirmed that crews had already secured the convention site against high winds and debris by nailing hundreds of illegal immigrants over the arena’s windows.
Things That Shouldn't Be Said In Modern Society To Be Said At Least 1,400 Times At RNC #~# TAMPA, FL—According to numerous sociologists and political experts, things that should never under any circumstance be spoken aloud in modern society will be said no fewer than 1,400 times this week at the Republican National Convention in Tampa, FL.
Neil Armstrong Dies #~# Neil Armstrong, commander of the Apollo 11 mission and the first man to step foot on the moon, died Saturday following complications from heart surgery. He was 82. What do you think?
Desperate Angels Deactivate, Reactivate Vernon Wells To See If That Works #~# ANAHEIM—In a final act of desperation, the Los Angeles Angels elected on Friday to deactivate underperforming center fielder Vernon Wells from their 25-man roster and then immediately reactivate him to see if that would fix the problem. "Vernon hasn't been running so smoothly lately, and he keeps freezing all the time, so we're deactivating and reactivating him a couple times because sometimes that works," said Angels general manager Jerry Dipoto, who confirmed that he instructed trainers to blow on Wells a few times while he was deactivated to remove any built-up dust. "We already tried putting some other guys into the same slot, and they worked fine, so we're pretty sure the roster's not fried. I guess we could try jiggling him, too." At press time, Wells was preparing for tonight's game against the Detroit Tigers by repeatedly removing his helmet and putting it back on again.
Red Vines Recalled Due To High Lead Content #~# The manufacturer of Red Vines Black Licorice Twists recalled 16-ounce packages of the popular candy after the California Department of Public Health found they contained more than twice the amount of lead considered acceptable for young children. What do you think?
Bunch Of Numbers From Where Daddy Works Means No Trip To Disney World #~# RED OAK, MI—Six-year-old Kevin Bligh confirmed Friday that the papers Daddy brings home from work with all the numbers on them mean there will be no trip to Disney World this year after all. “The numbers are mean because they make Daddy sad sometimes,” said Bligh, who drew a picture of a crying Mickey Mouse and an angry Daddy, who was holding up a paper with red-colored numbers on them. “And Mommy and Daddy always wave the number papers around when they’re yelling. Sometimes Daddy just sits at the kitchen table and stares at the numbers while he drinks from his brown bottle.” Although the first-grader told reporters that Daddy hugs him tightly at bedtime and promises everything’s going to be all right, Bligh said he’s pretty sure Daddy is lying to him.
Law & Order: D.A.R.E. Unit #~# NBC
Annette and Barrett Carnell #~# Longtime married couple Annette and Barrett Carnell died last night side  by side, bickering about who was bleeding out the worst.
John Daly Injured After Vicious Hit During Arena Golf Tournament #~# SPOKANE, WA—Arena golfer John Daly was forced to withdraw from the Dick's Sporting Goods Classic at Spokane Arena Friday, displaying concussion-like symptoms following a punishing hit delivered by playing partner David Duval.
School Janitor's Summer As Human Already A Distant Memory #~# NORTH PLATTE, NE—Two weeks into the new school year, North Platte High School janitor Stan McCurdy's fond memories of his summer as a human being looked upon with dignity and respect have all but slipped away, sources reported Friday. "Now it almost seems like a dream, back in June when I was treated like a real person with the same feelings, worries, and aspirations as anyone else," the man, who for the next nine months will be addressed as "McDirty," said as he bent over to scrub a hardened chunk of feces off the wall of the boys restroom and tried to ignore the group of 14-year-olds who openly pointed at him and laughed. "Sometimes it's hard to believe that for three solid months I was surrounded by people who would make eye contact with me, say hello, and smile. Kind smiles, too—no sniggering grins. It was the briefest of experiences, but for a while there, I was Stan McCurdy, person." McCurdy told reporters he keeps a picture of his family's Fourth of July barbecue in his locker to remind him of his time as an actual valued member of the human race.
Nathan Kroger #~# Nathan Kroger was crushed by a hay bale, which sounds like it might be light, but this hay bale happened to be extremely heavy.
Roger Clemens #~# Taking  the mound for the first time in five years, 50-year-old pitcher Roger  Clemens is attempting a comeback in the Atlantic League of Professional  Baseball with the Sugar Land Skeeters. Is he any good?
Jerry Sandusky Somehow Coaching Little League World Series Team #~# SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Shocking many parents, coaches, and spectators across the nation, former Penn State defensive coordinator and convicted serial child molester Jerry Sandusky was inexplicably witnessed coaching the Little League World Series team from Fairfield, CT this past week. "I could have sworn he was in jail, but there's no doubt about it, that's Jerry Sandusky coaching my kid from the dugout," parent Henry Billings told reporters, not only questioning why the sexual deviant was coaching, but also how the former football coach could know enough about baseball to manage the team into the championship series. "I'm a little worried, sure, but he definitely seems to have a great rapport with the kids. Most everybody except for the Hopkins boy seems to be having fun." This latest report is not the first account of Jerry Sandusky coaching a team of minors, as only last month the parents of a 10-year-old AYSO soccer player in Virginia claimed to have witnessed Coach Sandusky tickling their son's team on the sidelines as they ate oranges at halftime.
Dad Navigates Reduced-Rate Travel Websites Like Mozart Composing Symphony #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—Exhibiting the nimble precision and unrivaled genius of the 18th-century Viennese prodigy, local father Michael Kirrane, 54, navigated several discount travel websites Friday evening in a staggering display of talent reminiscent of Mozart himself, sources reported.
Haven’t We All Done Steroids, In A Way? #~# There are many people who have tried to judge my actions, to label me as disgraceful or unethical. Time and again, I’ve had to endure the harassment of the media and the average sports fan, who act as though I’ve done something so outside the bounds of human decency as to defy logic or explanation. Yet I think, if we are all honest we each other, we could agree this is far from the case. For, really, haven’t we all, each and every one of us, ritually abused steroids, in a sense?
Lance Armstrong Lets Down Single Person Who Still Believed Him #~# Year In Review
Frozen Man #~# ABC
Orlando Magic 2012-13 Season Preview Guide To Feature Photo Of Arena On Cover #~# ORLANDO, FL—Sources within the Orlando Magic organization reported Thursday that the cover of the team's upcoming 2012-13 season preview guide would feature an aerial photograph of the Amway Center as well as the Magic logo displayed in the lower-right corner. "The options really came down to Hedo Turkoglu holding a ball in his left hand, Jameer Nelson pretending to pass the ball into the camera, or Al Harrington and Arron Afflalo standing back-to-back," said Magic director of communications George Galante, noting that a dramatic picture of the logo at half court was also considered for the cover. "Instead, we chose the Amway Arena. It's a really nice photo." In addition, the team released a statement revealing that for pregame introductions Orlando would just play heavy rock music and have the entire starting five waving from the bench upon the announcement of "your Orlando Magic!"
John Lennon's Murderer Denied Parole #~# For the seventh time in 12 years, Mark David Chapman, the man who shot John Lennon dead outside the music legend’s New York City apartment building in 1980, was denied parole by the New York Department of Corrections. What do you think?
Augusta National's Social Progress #~# The exclusive Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia is one of golf’s most famous courses, best known for hosting the Masters, as well as its history of discriminatory membership policies. Onion Sports takes a look at the club’s long history of enlightenment and tolerance. 
Fed Chief Makes Diplomatic Visit To Econopolis #~# ECONOPOLIS—As part of an effort to consolidate ties with the sovereign fiscal nation, U.S. Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke visited the cloud city-state of Econopolis on Friday to participate in ongoing diplomatic talks.
Navy SEAL Pens Memoir Of Bin Laden Raid #~# A recently retired member of SEAL Team Six has written No Easy Day: The Firsthand Account Of The Mission That Killed Osama Bin Laden, a detailed book slated for a Sept. 11 release date. What do you think.
Nation's Underfunded Public Education System To Experiment With Shortened 6-Day School Year #~# WASHINGTON—Faced with shrinking tax revenues and decreased public spending, the Department of Education announced Friday the 2012-2013 academic year would need to be radically shortened from 180 days to six. "The first day, of course, will be spent learning names, handing out textbooks, assigning lockers, and so forth, but on day two, we'll hit the ground running, covering all of history by lunch and hopefully squeezing in the entire language-arts curriculum before the final bell rings," said Education Secretary Arne Duncan, adding that any student caught misbehaving would be given three seconds of detention after class. "That will leave the rest of the week free for an intensive program of math and science designed to help American children develop the skills they would already have if they lived in just about any other industrialized nation." Duncan acknowledged not much would get done on day six, as students tend to be distracted on the last day of school, and they would in any event be worn out from the previous day's homecoming, talent show, SATs, winter semiformal, prom, finals, and commencement exercises.
Nation Celebrates Full Week Without Deadly Mass Shooting #~# UPDATE: Never Mind
U.S. Headed For 'Fiscal Cliff' #~# According to the Congressional Budget Office, if Republicans and Democrats don't resolve their budget stalemate by year’s end, they may push the nation over a "fiscal cliff," with automatic spending cuts and tax increases causing a new recession and 2 million job losses in 2013. What do you think?
New Memoir Reveals Navy SEAL Bounced A Few Book Ideas Off Bin Laden Before Killing Him #~# WASHINGTON—An early leak of the upcoming memoir documenting the raid that killed Osama bin Laden reveals the Navy SEAL who penned the in-depth account bounced several book ideas off the terrorist before shooting and killing him. “I was thinking the book could start with a little background on each member of SEAL Team Six before getting into the raid, but maybe it would be better if it started with all of us riding the helicopter to the compound—just to whet the readers’ appetites a little, you know?” the Navy SEAL, writing under the pseudonym Mark Owen, reportedly said while pointing a gun at bin Laden and encouraging him to “feel free to throw in any title suggestions [he] may have.” “And I was thinking there could be a quick profile to fill in your backstory a bit, so if you wouldn’t mind sharing a few interesting facts or anecdotes that haven’t already been covered in other books, that’d be great.” Prior to having his head blown off, bin Laden is said to have suggested a “pretty neat” technique of jumping back and forth in time between the SEAL team’s training and the actual mission.
Queen Elizabeth Annoyed Nude Pictures Of Prince Harry Don't Show Anything Good #~# LONDON—Expressing her annoyance after nude photographs of her grandson Prince Harry of Wales surfaced on Hollywood celebrity website TMZ this week, Queen Elizabeth II announced today that she is highly disappointed the grainy shots don’t show anything good. “In one [photo] he’s basically just bending over this girl, and all you can see is his ass crack,” the British monarch said at a news conference outside Buckingham Palace, noting that she spent two hours yesterday searching for uncensored versions of the images online. “In the other one he’s cupping his dick to the point where you can’t even see any pubes. It was barely enough to get me wet.” At press time, sources reported that while she was initially underwhelmed by the photos, the queen had since taken another look and experienced her first orgasm in decades.
College Newspaper Endorses Barack Obama #~# NEW BRITAIN, CT—Calling him the "best person to lead this nation forward," the editors of The Recorder, Central Connecticut State University's student newspaper, officially endorsed Barack Obama for president in a front-page editorial this week.
Michael J. Fox Returning To TV #~# Former Family Ties and Spin City star Michael J. Fox, who left television 12 years ago to focus on combating Parkinson’s disease, will appear next fall in a loosely autobiographical sitcom in which he plays a New York father struggling with the same neurodegenerative disorder. What do you think?
Mom Unaware Little Note She Packed With Son's Lunch Getting Him Beaten Up Right Now #~# SUN VALLEY, ID—Dental hygienist and mother June Treadway, 36, appears unaware that the thoughtful note she wrote at 6:30 a.m. and slipped into her son's lunch is the reason why he's now getting the shit kicked out of him, witnesses confirmed Thursday. "I like to leave a message in there each day so he gets a nice little surprise at lunchtime," Treadway said of the note taped to a cup of mandarin oranges that is currently being dumped over the 10-year-old's head as he is mercilessly made fun of for eating "pussy food." "It's just my way of letting him know that, even if he's having a hard day at school, there's someone at home who will always be there for him." Reports indicated Treadway is also unaware that, later tonight, the bully who taunted her son will read the note aloud to himself and pretend it's from his own mother, who abandoned her family eight years ago.
U.S. Military Sends A Few More Of Those Things Over To Afghanistan To Replace Dead Ones #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of the news that 2,000 of its things have now died in Afghanistan, U.S. military officials announced Monday that it will be sending some additional things to replace the dead ones.
Tommy Wilcox, 7, died Wednesday, exactly six minutes after he and his friends found an old set of lawn darts in his family's garage. #~# Tommy Wilcox, 7
Area Man Regrets Investing In Facebook #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Saying that he thought it was a “safe bet” at first, local man Mark Zuckerberg, 28, told reporters Tuesday that—after going what he called “all in” on the business—he now regrets staking so much of his financial future on the Internet company Facebook.  “It seemed like a slam dunk—popular company, kids love it, and my financial advisors were telling me this stock was going to be a monster,” said Zuckerberg, who works in computers, and has lost nearly $600 million since Facebook went public in May. “But you know what, I’ll admit there was always a small part of me that knew I was going to lose a boatload on this thing, because, when you think about Facebook, there’s not a whole lot of room for long-term growth there, or any real solid plan for the future. I guess it’s just another one of those overhyped tech stocks, and I bought into the hype.” At press time, Zuckerberg sold his shares in Facebook and invested in GE, which the computer programmer and husband called “a fine, safe American company that never gets too high, never gets too low.”
Hurricane Could Strike RNC #~# Tropical Storm Isaac, which is currently gaining strength in the Atlantic Ocean, is expected to become a hurricane in the next several days and could strike Florida on Monday, when the Republican National Convention opens in Tampa. What do you think?
Poll Reveals You Live In Country Where Mentally Ill Man Still Has Good Chance Of Being Senator #~# WASHINGTON—A new poll of the Missouri electorate reported this week that Sen. Claire McCaskill holds a tenuous lead in the state’s Senate race over Rep. Todd Akin, essentially revealing  that you live in a nation where a man who is deeply and irrefutably mentally ill can nevertheless stand a solid chance of winning higher office. “Current data shows that, contrary to any conventional notions of human reason or logic, a man with a questionable grasp on reality is evidently quite able to attain a prominent government position in the nation you are a citizen of,” said researcher Donald Schur, noting that the man in question currently holds a one-percent lead, “yes, lead,” in several other similar election polls. “That’s right, you, the average citizen, live in a country where a human being deep in the throes of delusion can not only be elected to higher office on six prior occasions, but may in fact be voted into office again despite his psychological instability being put on full display in the most spectacular fashion imaginable. This is the place where you live, and work, and pay taxes.” Researchers also noted that, according to recent evidence, this kind of thing actually doesn’t surprise you too much anymore.
2nd-Grade Teacher Can't Believe How Much Fatter They Keep Getting #~# WASHINGTON, PA—With the 2012-2013 academic year beginning this week, longtime James G. Blaine Elementary School teacher Suzanne Pomponio, 39, expressed her astonishment Wednesday at how much fatter her second-graders keep getting.
Teacher Just Hopes They Never Google Him #~# KETTERING, OH—After completing his first day at Fairmont High School on Tuesday, history teacher Ted Wilkinson reportedly spent most of the evening desperately praying that none of his new students ever feel inclined to Google him. "No doubt about it, if one of them decides to look me up, that's all she wrote," said Wilkinson, noting that the consequences might be even worse if anyone thought to run a Google image search on him, "God forbid with the SafeSearch filter turned off." "I mean, they wouldn't, right? Why would any of those kids bother Googling me? There's no reason to think they would." Sources confirmed a panicking Wilkinson later updated his résumé after realizing that when you type his name into Google, it's the first result.
Restrictive Voter Laws On The Rise #~# This year 41 states have introduced at least 180 bills that would reduce voting, whether by requiring an ID at the polls, curbing registration drives, or limiting early balloting. Critics argue these measures are aimed at disenfranchising the young, minorities, and the poor. Here are some of the more controversial laws under consideration: 
Myanmar Ends Media Censorship #~# Transitioning to a more democratic system after nearly half a century of repressive military rule, Myanmar's government announced Monday that its Press Scrutiny and Registration Department would no longer censor the nation's private publications. What do you think?
Apple Becomes Largest U.S. Company Ever #~# With $623.52 billion worth of shares outstanding at the close of trading yesterday, tech giant Apple became the largest American company of all-time as measured by the combined value of its stock, surpassing a mark set in late 1999 by Microsoft. What do you think?
New Commercial Posits Existence Of Jaguars Fans #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—In spite of a lack of real-world evidence supporting the presumption, a new Nike commercial that debuted on network television Friday featured actors dressed in Jacksonville Jaguars apparel and posited that fans of the AFC team exist. "It's an interesting theory, but you'd have to be pretty gullible to believe that large numbers of people would cheer on the Jaguars," said Rossford, OH resident Paul Giorgio, who saw the commercial during the otherwise logical Lions-Ravens preseason matchup. "If Jacksonville fans did exist, they probably would hold up those 'GO JAGS' signs and wear turquoise face paint. But when the camera pulls back to reveal a whole stadium of people like that in an otherwise unknown town in northern Florida, the premise really falls apart." A Nike spokesperson told reporters the company had yet to sell a single Jaguars jersey.
Ask A Freshman English Class Going Around The Room And Saying A Little Bit About Themselves #~# Dear Freshman English Class Going Around The Room And Saying A Little Bit About Themselves,
Cornell To Install Suicide-Prevention Nets #~# After 27 such suicides in two decades, Cornell University and the town of Ithaca, NY have agreed to install nets along the sides of five bridges to stop would-be jumpers from leaping to their deaths in the area’s famed gorges. What do you think?
Augusta National Admits First 'Woman' #~# AUGUSTA, GA—In a historic move that may help eliminate gender barriers for "women" everywhere, Augusta National Golf Club announced Monday that former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice would become the first "female" member in the club’s 80-year history. "I couldn't be more excited to see 'her' become the first 'woman' to wear the green jacket," Augusta chairman Billy Payne said at a press conference, turning to stare directly at Rice and making air quotes with his hands every time he used a female-gender-specific pronoun. "'She' shares the same passion for the game as everyone at this great club, and we all look forward to having 'her' here in the future. So from all of us here at Augusta, welcome aboard, 'Ms.' Rice." Payne confirmed plans to offer membership to other "women" in the future, such as German chancellor Angela Merkel, Italian fashion designer Donatella Versace, and former WWE wrestler Chyna.
Parents Don't Remember Enough Colors To Help With Kindergartner's Homework #~# BEDFORD, NY—Parents of 5-year-old Haylee Risser reportedly sat around their dinner table stumped Monday night, unable to recall enough colors to help their daughter with a homework assignment from her first day of kindergarten. "I definitely remember red and yellow, but when she started getting into that brown and green stuff, that's where I'm lost," said Deborah Risser, 36, who admitted that shoelaces and days of the week were always more her forte. "It's one of those things they drill into you in kindergarten, and then you never use it again. When the hell am I going to need to know purple, anyway?" At the suggestion of her increasingly frustrated husband, Risser picked up the phone to call her older brother, who sources confirmed is "great at colors."
Republicans Condemn Akin's Comments As Blemish On Party's Otherwise Spotless Women's Rights Record #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of last weekend’s highly controversial comments from Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO), top Republican officials condemned the congressman’s statements Monday, calling them a black mark on the party’s otherwise flawless record on women’s rights issues. “Throughout our history, whether it’s been our position on birth control, abortion, or equal pay for equal work, Republicans have always stood together with women, listening to their needs and fighting for issues that are are important to them. That is why we were stunned that someone from our own party could have made such insensitive remarks or expressed such uninformed opinions about women,” said Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus, calling Akin’s comments an outlier, especially when one considers the huge, progressive strides—both personally and professionally—the GOP has helped women make over the years. “We apologize for Congressman Akin. And we want the nation’s women to know that they will continue to have no greater ally than the the Republican Party.” Priebus added that while there was certainly no excuse for Akin’s comments, after 150 years without a single insensitive remark against women, perhaps the GOP was due.
Pregnant Woman Relieved To Learn Her Rape Was Illegitimate #~# LITCHFIELD, CT—Though she was initially upset following the brutal sexual assault last month that left her pregnant, victim Martha Byars told reporters she was relieved Sunday to learn from Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) that her ability to conceive her unwanted child proves she was not, in fact, legitimately raped.
I Misspoke—What I Meant To Say Is 'I Am Dumb As Dog Shit And I Am A Terrible Human Being' #~# As a politician, I often find myself in situations where, unfortunately, I express a certain thought or idea poorly, or find my words taken out of context. Indeed, that is what happened this weekend. Upon reviewing the impromptu remarks I made Sunday afternoon, I can now see that I used the wrong words in the wrong way. I would now like to set the record straight with the American people and clear up some confusion about what it was I intended to convey.
America's Got Rabies #~# NBC
6th-Grade Teacher Seen Making Out With GameStop Dude #~# BETHESDA, MD—Multiple reports Monday morning indicated that Van Buren Middle School teacher Ms. Emeling was totally seen making out with that dude from GameStop with the big sideburns. “We were at the movie theater, and there’s my teacher waiting in line for tickets with the guy from GameStop—and then he just started going to town on her,” said sixth-grader Max Werner, grimacing as he confirmed that they were kissing with tongue. “Are they dating or something? How does she even know him? She can’t have an Xbox. Ms. Emeling’s, like, almost 30.” During recess today, sixth-grade students reportedly gathered to discuss which of them would ask their teacher if she could get them an advance copy of Call Of Duty: Black Ops II.
David Ortiz Convinced There's Something Like The 7th-Inning Stretch But For The 70th Inning #~# BOSTON—Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz told reporters Monday that he believes an intermission similar to the seventh-inning stretch—but even better—happens midway through the 70th inning of a baseball game. "Inning 70 is when you slow things down and just take it easy-going for a while, you know. I think it's called the big break," said Ortiz, who mentioned that he had been "very disappointed" in May when a Red Sox–Orioles game ended after only 17 innings. "Everybody gets up to dance and also they sing a special song, like, 'It's the break. It's the break. It's the big, big break.' There are lots of tables on the field with food on them, and even a guy doing magic tricks. From what I see, it don't get no better than the 70th-inning big break." When informed that current MLB rules already include short breaks in the 14th inning, the 21st inning, and so on, Ortiz assured reporters that the big break was "bigger than them all."
Congressman: Pregnancy Rarely Results From 'Legitimate Rape' #~# During an interview yesterday, Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO), who is currently locked in a heated Senate race, said that women rarely become pregnant in cases of "legitimate rape" because "the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." What do you think?
Wal-Mart's International Growth Falters #~# Admitting it had made mistakes and been over optimistic about its international prospects, Wal-Mart announced it would delay expansions in Mexico—where it faces bribery charges—as well as in China and Brazil. What do you think?
College Roommates To Continue Bonding Process Until Real Friends Made #~# BOSTON—Sources at Boston University's Shelton Hall reported Monday that freshmen Paul Seltzer and Michael Thiru will continue building a rapport with each other until one of them has found a group of real friends, after which the randomly paired roommates will gradually cease their social interactions. "Until I meet people I genuinely like and want to be around, it's nice to have this kind of interim friendship with someone I can go to the dining hall and house parties with," said Seltzer, whose recent trip to the campus computer store to help Thiru get a printer will later be remembered as an odd fragment from his early pre-friend college days. "Soon enough we'll just be two classmates who share a room and awkwardly say hello when passing each other on the quad." In addition, Seltzer will reportedly continue receiving communications from his former high school girlfriend until an unspecified date in September, when she finds her real romantic partner.
Terrell Owens Having Trouble Deciding Which Seahawks Quarterback To Undermine #~# SEATTLE—Seahawks wide receiver Terrell Owens announced Friday that he was still struggling to decide which of the team's three quarterbacks to undermine this season, claiming that Matt Flynn, Russell Wilson, and Tarvaris Jackson were all potential candidates for unfair criticism and personal attacks. "I'm torn, because Russell is a rookie, so I thought I would be able to  publicly blame him for a poor offensive performance, but he's doing great," said Owens, who wouldn't rule out openly insinuating that one of the quarterbacks was secretly gay. "Matt's obviously more experienced than Russell, and he'd be perfect for unjust accusations that he's not getting me the ball enough and is favoring other receivers. On the other hand, let's not forget about Tarvaris, either—he already knows this offense so well that I could easily question the level of his conditioning in front of reporters." Owens also confirmed that he was still weighing which team to sign a short-term contract with once he is released by the Seahawks midway through the season.
Breaking Bad #~# AMC
Croatian Prime Minister Currently Stuck Under Pile Of Turnips #~# ZAGREB, CROATIA—Sources within the Croatian government confirmed today that Prime Minister Zoran Milanović is currently stuck under a massive pile of turnips. "Help!" the prime minister said after a horse-drawn turnip wagon tipped over and trapped him beneath what appeared to be thousands of pounds of the bulbous root vegetable. "Get these turnips off of me!" At press time, a rescue crew had successfully provided Milanović with a supply of paprika so that he could begin eating his way out.
Brian Urlacher Confident He'll Be Ready To Sit Out Opener #~# CHICAGO—Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher told reporters Saturday that he felt confident about being ready to sit out the team's season opener against the Colts, insisting that a sprained MCL would not prevent him from taking part in any action on the bench. "I'll be 100 percent, sitting down, checking it out from the sidelines," Urlacher said. "My goal for Sept. 9 is to be cleared for all football-watching activities, such as looking, clapping, and cheering. I can't wait to start hitting the bench. Bears fans better be prepared for some hard sitting." Despite Urlacher's enthusiasm, Bears coach Lovie Smith was reportedly pessimistic about the linebacker's chances of standing on the sidelines anytime before week six.
Strongside/Weakside: Rory McIlroy #~# Twenty-three-year-old Northern Irish golfer Rory McIlroy won the PGA Championship by a record eight strokes. Is he any good?
Torrent Time #~# G4
Woman Has Bizarre Ability To Share Details About Personal Life With Parents #~# PHILADELPHIA—Seated in the kitchen of her tastefully decorated apartment, local woman Jessica Beaumont looks the part of a typical young urbanite navigating life in the 21st century. But beneath this normal-seeming exterior lies a fascinating and highly odd characteristic.
Evangelical Hospital Holds 5th Annual Gayness Cure Walk #~# MARIETTA, GA—As part of an ongoing effort to eradicate homosexuality, Cobb County Evangelical Hospital held its fifth annual Walk to Cure Gayness Sunday, drawing thousands of participants to raise funds and awareness for the debilitating psychosexual disease.
Lowlights Of Chad Johnson's Career #~#  Wide receiver Chad Johnson's brief stint with the Miami Dolphins ended last week after the three-time All-Pro was arrested for a domestic dispute and subsequently cut from the team. Onion Sports looks at Johnson's most memorable low points.  
Popeye's Home Boiglerized #~# SWEETHAVEN VILLAGE—According to a report filed with the Sweethaven Police Department, the private residence of sailor man Popeye was violently boiglerized at approximately 4:30 a.m. Wednesday. "It seems that early this morning, the masked thieves broke down the door and boiglerized a house, taking nearly $700 worth of cash and pois'nal items and assaltupatin' the residents," said a police spokesperson, adding that the humiligrated homeowner was forced to watch at gunpoint as his live-in girlfriend Olive Oyl, 34, was voiliated by the men. "Sadly, as the thieves were making their escape, they even moidered an eyewitness, J. Wellington Wimpy. It's a real traveshty." Authorities added that the homeowner was still shaken from the experience but had promised to poilverize them no good so-'n'-sos should he ever find them.
Pussy Riot Convicted #~# After making an anti-Putin music video and calling attention to Russia’s crackdown on political dissent, three members of the punk band Pussy Riot have been found guilty of hooliganism and sentenced to two years in prison. What do you think?
Future Olympic Star Hard At Work On Her Backstory #~# ALBANY, GA—By the conclusion of the 2012 London Games last Sunday, promising 12-year-old gymnast Alexandra Davids had already begun working diligently on an inspiring personal backstory for the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. "I'll have to get cut from a team at some point or maybe fall just short at a really important competition," said Davids, who added that temporarily living in a homeless shelter or surviving a school shooting could provide a background that would make her story more touching. "If I could suffer some sort of serious injury and have doctors tell me I'll never be able to compete again, that'd be perfect. Basically anything where I can capture the hearts and minds of the entire nation by defying the odds to win." Davids confirmed that, while she in no way hopes for it to happen, having one of her parents die unexpectedly right before the Olympics "certainly couldn't hurt."
Mutant Butterflies Found Near Fukushima #~# Near the site of the 2011 nuclear accident in Fukushima, Japan, researchers have found severe mutations in the wings, antennae, legs, and eyes of pale grass blue butterflies, abnormalities likely caused by exposure to radiation. What do you think?
Ground Emerges As Tim Tebow's Favorite Target #~# FLORHAM PARK, NJ—With competition heating up at practices, Jets coaches and players confirmed Thursday that the ground was quickly emerging as quarterback Tim Tebow’s favorite target and had already received 90 percent of the third-year player’s passes during the first three weeks of training camp.
CDC Study Finds Decrease In Oral Sex Among Teens When Researchers Are Observing #~# HYATTSVILLE, MD—A new study released Thursday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that although the number of U.S. teens having oral sex remained high, the rate was considerably lower when scientific researchers were openly observing them. "When teenagers were by themselves, with nobody from the scientific community in the same room with them closely watching their sexual behavior, our findings indicate that 47 percent of them engaged in oral sex," CDC spokesman Miles Dalton told reporters during a press conference. "However, when the adolescents were being watched by researchers, that number dropped as low as 3 percent. Moreover, when scientists, clipboard in hand, told the teenagers that they wouldn't mind at all or be offended if they began having oral sex right there in front of them, that number rose only slightly to a still very low 5 percent." According to Dalton, the rate of teenagers willing to engage in anal sex while alone or while being observed by scientists was, in both cases, 89 percent.
Ugandan Powerball Jackpot Hits 31 Grains Of Rice #~# KAMPALA, UGANDA—Powerball mania continues to grip Uganda after last night's nationwide lottery drawing failed to generate a winner, pushing the prize total up to a staggering 31 grains of rice. "It's official: This will be the largest jackpot we've ever awarded," said a spokesman for the Ugandan Lottery, noting that the prize had surpassed the 29 rice grains claimed by a group of 17 widowed mothers in November of last year. "Hold on to your tickets, because whoever is lucky enough to pick the winning numbers will be able to add a basic nutrient to their diet that they need to avoid starving to death. It truly could be a life-changing amount of rice." The spokesman added that if there is only one winner, that person can choose between receiving the 31 rice grains over a period of 10 years or accepting a lump sum of 22 grains now.
Dallas Declares State Of Emergency #~# With West Nile virus on the rise nationwide and Texas accounting for more than half of this year’s deaths from the mosquito-borne disease, Dallas mayor Mike Rawlings has declared a state of emergency and ordered the aerial spraying of insecticide. What do you think?
'Huffington Post' Launches Some Sort Of New Thing #~# NEW YORK—This week The Huffington Post officially launched some sort of new thing, which company representatives said will provide an exciting, revolutionary new way for users to do something or other.
Not Even Julian Assange Clear On What's Going On With Him Right Now #~# LONDON—Following Thursday’s announcement that Ecuador will grant him political asylum, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange told reporters that not even he is totally sure what his legal situation is right now. “So wait, what exactly is my current status, and which countries can I go to?” asked Assange, adding that he is also “pretty hazy” on the outstanding criminal charge, or charges, against him at this point. “I think I’m wanted for questioning in Sweden, but if I go there they can apparently extradite me to the United States or something? And I guess I’m allowed to go to Ecuador, of all places, but then I also can’t for some reason? I honestly don’t know anymore.” At press time, Assange told reporters the only thing he is completely certain of is that he has a website.
Not For Sale #~# This immaculate two-story colonial that has a swimming pool and kitchen with brand-new stainless steel appliances isn’t for sale, but you are more than welcome to stop by and congratulate me on my amazing house. Reference #20014336
Study: U.S. Best Place For Women To Buy Jeans #~# WASHINGTON—For the 17th straight year, a comprehensive international study conducted by the Pew Research Center has ranked the United States as the best nation in which to buy women's jeans. "Among key women's-jeans criteria such as affordability, ease of purchase, and trustworthiness of available brand names, the U.S. surpasses all other nations," study head Dr. Kenneth Wiseman announced at a press conference Thursday. "Furthermore, with over 80,000 retail locations across the 50 states offering everything from custom curve fits to boot cuts to the newer 'skinny' and 'legging' styles, America firmly dominates the overall women's-jeans-shopping experience." For men's jeans, Moldova remained in the top spot.
Illegal Immigrants Apply To Stay In U.S. #~# Under an Obama administration policy that went into effect yesterday, an estimated 1.7 million immigrants 30 or younger who were brought to the United States illegally as children can now apply to remain in the country. What do you think?
Scientists Teach Chimpanzee To Conduct 3-Year Study On Primates #~# SEATTLE—In what the scientific community has hailed as a breakthrough achievement, zoologists have succeeded for the first time ever in training a chimpanzee to carry out a rigorous three-year study of primate behavior.
Area Woman's Hair Always Wet #~# DENVER—Whether she's off running errands, meeting friends for drinks, or just relaxing in her apartment after work, local woman Amanda Chapman’s hair is always wet, sources reported Wednesday. "It's usually wettest in the morning, but even in the middle of the day it looks as if she just got out of the shower," said cubicle mate James Oakley, adding that he’s never once seen Chapman with dry hair since they started working together two years ago. "At first I thought maybe she was going to the gym at lunch and washing her hair afterward, but nope, I've gone to grab a sandwich with her a couple times and somehow it just stays wet. You'd think it would dry off by the end of the day, especially when it’s sunny out, but it never does." At press time, Chapman's hair was wet.
A Whole Lot Of House #~# There is way too much house here. You probably couldn’t even handle it.  I won’t even mention the three bedrooms because it would blow your  mind. Reference #50296367
Lost Pyramids Found On Google Earth? #~# After scouring images from the global-mapping program Google Earth, blogger Angela Micol of North Carolina believes she may have found two previously unknown pyramid complexes in Egypt, though experts argue the structures may be little more than eroded hills. What do you think?
Contrasting Characters #~# ABC
Mars Rover's Discoveries #~# After completing a difficult landing on the Martian surface last week, NASA’s car-sized rover Curiosity has begun deploying its highly advanced cameras and instruments, which will provide the most thorough data on the Red Planet yet. Here are several of its early discoveries:
After-Work Drinks Enter Third Excruciating Minute #~# BROOKLINE, MA—According to sources who felt professionally obligated to attend, minute three of a management-sponsored after-work gathering at Freddy's Bar and Backroom remains tortuous and almost unbearable for the seven employees of ProVantage Solutions present. "My God, I don't know how much longer I can take this," sales associate Peter Ronson said 122 seconds into the Friday evening event. "We got through the first minute and a half with stilted exchanges about office stuff, but now we're all silently facing the fact that we have absolutely nothing else in common. I know I should stay for at least one drink, but I really just want to go home. Or anywhere else at all, to be honest." At press time four of the coworkers had fabricated awkward excuses to leave while the remaining three had buckled down and determined to "drink [their] way through this thing."
It Would Be An Honor To Serve My Country, Return With PTSD, Sit On A Mental Health Care Waitlist, Then Kill Myself #~# Ever since I was a kid I dreamed of joining the Army. So as soon as I could, I went down to my local recruiter and enlisted, knowing full well that I'd probably be sent to Afghanistan. Now, with my first deployment less than a week away, there's only one thing on my mind: how incredibly proud I'll be to fight for my country, experience crippling psychological trauma, wait indefinitely for the proper health care, and then eventually become so depressed and mentally ill that I commit suicide.
Man Thanks God He's Not Sexually Attracted To Children #~# TAMPA, FL—Saying his life would be much harder and more complex if it were the case, local accountant Jonathon Farlow, 31, took a private moment Wednesday to thank God he isn't sexually attracted to children.
Presidential Debate To Have Female Moderator #~# Following a successful petition started by three teenage girls from New Jersey, CNN’s chief political correspondent Candy Crowley has been chosen to moderate the Oct. 16 presidential debate, marking the first time in 20 years a woman has been selected for the task. What do you think?
Sources Close To Team Wish They Could Talk With Reporters About Something Other Than Rumors For A Change #~# AUSTIN, TX—Sources close to the University of Texas football team declined to speak with reporters Monday about who head coach Mack Brown was likely to name as starting quarterback, and asked if the journalists would mind talking about something besides rumors for once. "It just seems like all we ever talk about is rumors about recruitment, depth, charts, or injuries—it's the same shop talk every damn day," said one source, who confirmed that it had been months since he'd felt as though he'd had a normal, human interaction with a reporter. "You could at least ask us how we're doing every now and then, but no, it's always straight to 'How'd David [Ash] look in training camp this week?' Did you ever stop and think sources might just want to talk about favorite restaurants or hopes and dreams?" At press time, sources close to sources had given credence to rumors that the sources' outburst might have been due in part to undisclosed personal issues.
Ryan Begins Attacking Romney's Record As Massachusetts Governor #~# DENVER—Displaying the tough no-nonsense talk and firm commitment to conservative principles that led to his selection as the Republican vice presidential candidate, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) has taken to the campaign trail and begun viciously attacking the record of running mate and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.
Luxury Cars Fail Crash Test #~# Eight of 11 midsize luxury sedans failed to pass the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety’s tough new front-end crash test, with four such automobiles, including the Mercedes C-Class and Lexus ES, scoring the lowest possible rating of poor. What do you think?
Mike Krzyzewski Leads Ragtag Band Of Rejects To Olympic Gold #~# LONDON—Defying the odds with a stunning 107-100 upset victory over Spain, hot shot coach Mike Krzyzewski led the hapless misfits on the U.S. men’s basketball team to Olympic gold Sunday, transforming the scraggly bunch of lovable losers into world champions in just one month. "When we started in July, not one of them knew how to shoot a free throw, Kevin [Durant] couldn’t even dribble a basketball without using both hands, and there wasn't a single player capable of passing, but they've really come a long way," said Krzyzewski, who reportedly made a breakthrough right before the team's first game when he finally taught the freaks, washouts, and spazzes to believe in themselves. "Sure they may be dorky, weird-looking, or unpopular, but we showed the Spanish what a team of really great friends can accomplish with hard work, a whole lot of heart, and a little luck." Krzyzewski said he now plans to go to Durham, NC, where he will try to guide the bumbling squad of dickheads on the Duke Blue Devils team to an improbable NCAA championship.
Paul Ryan Wondering If He Should Have Told Romney About This Guy He's Dating #~# DES MOINES, IA—After appearing at his first solo campaign event since becoming the presumptive Republican nominee for vice president, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) reportedly began wondering if he ought to have told running mate Mitt Romney about the man he’s been dating recently. "I guess I probably should have mentioned Elliot when Mitt and his staff talked to me last Friday," Ryan said to himself Monday, adding that it had only been a couple months since he and his boyfriend started dating exclusively and that the pair were still "in the fun, early phase" of the relationship. "I mean, we're not super serious at this point. We see each other a few times a week at most. I'm not ruling out something more meaningful down the road, but right now it's really not a big deal." According to sources, despite his initial concern, Ryan relaxed after deciding that Romney would "absolutely love Elliot" when the two met at the Republican National Convention later this month.
Beyoncé Sings At U.N. #~# Last week, pop songstress Beyoncé met Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon and performed at the U.N.’s General Assembly Hall, filming a music video for the ballad “I Was Here” that will be released Sunday as part of World Humanitarian Day celebrations. What do you think?
The World Series Of Roulette #~# ESPN
Admit It, I Scare The Ever-Loving Shit Out Of You, Don't I? #~# When Mitt Romney selected me as his running mate, I knew the Democratic attack dogs would come out in full force. They would say I’m a right-wing ideologue. They would say my views on entitlement programs are far too radical. They would say putting me on the ticket immediately kills Mitt Romney’s chances of becoming president because I’m a liability. But if we’re being honest with each other—if we’re able to put aside the talking points for a few minutes and say what we’re all actually thinking and feeling—I believe we can acknowledge the real truth here.
Jennifer Aniston Engaged To Guy Who Frankly Will Never Replace Brad #~# LOS ANGELES—After enduring years of failed relationships and heartbreak, actress Jennifer Aniston is now engaged to boyfriend Justin Theroux, a man who is not and will never be a true replacement for Brad, representatives for Aniston and Theroux confirmed Monday. "Justin seems like a very nice guy who treats Jen very well, but c'mon, you can't tell me he even holds a candle to Brad,” said Aniston publicist Stephen Huvane, adding that “Justin's fine, but Brad's, like, perfect." "Sure, she's happy, but is she as happy as she'd be if she had just stayed with Brad? Of course not. And you know she knows it." Sources reported, however, that Aniston’s relationship with Theroux is still "way better than anything she ever had with [Counting Crows frontman] Adam [Duritz]."
Caravan Traveling U.S. To Oppose Drug War #~# Protesting the tens of thousands of deaths in Mexico resulting from the U.S. drug war, a group calling itself the “Caravan for Peace with Justice and Dignity” began a 20-city U.S. tour yesterday that will culminate in one month in Washington, D.C. What do you think?
Your Republican Friend To Explain Why Paul Ryan Is Great Choice #~# NEW YORK—Sources confirmed that in response to Mitt Romney's announcement of Paul Ryan as his vice presidential running mate, your Republican friend will soon explain to you that while the Wisconsin representative may appear to be a risky pick, he actually brings more to the ticket than you'd think. "If you stop for a second to consider his experience defending his "Path to Prosperity" budget in Congress, the fact that he hails from a swing state, and his keen political instincts, Paul Ryan makes perfect sense," your Republican friend will reportedly tell you this week, making sure to reference his earlier Facebook post observing that Ryan's latest Medicare proposal is co-sponsored by a Senate Democrat. "Combine that with his youthful energy and record of demolishing every opponent he's ever faced, and you’ve got a pretty strong ticket." The detailed explanation is expected to be a marked departure from 2008, when, following the selection of Sarah Palin, your Republican friend remained completely silent.
Focus: Who Is Paul Ryan? #~# Rep. Paul Ryan was announced Saturday as Republican candidate Mitt Romney’s vice presidential running mate. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the 42-year-old Wisconsin politician:
Area Mom Can't Believe She Has To Drive All The Way Out To Rockland For Son's Little League Game #~# PLAINSBORO, NJ—Local mother Ruth Conway, 38, reportedly expressed frustration Monday after realizing that her son's next Little League baseball game would be played an hour and a half away in Rockland County. "The game starts at seven, so we'll have to leave pretty much the second I get home from work tomorrow," said Conway, adding that she couldn't imagine getting back anytime before 11 p.m., "especially if the game goes as long as it usually does." "Why can't they just play down the road at Grover [Middle School]? There's a perfectly good baseball field, and it's only five minutes from the house." At press time, Conway, kitchen sources confirmed, had just grabbed the team phone list from the refrigerator and was calling other parents to ask if they could give her son a ride.
Stressed-Out Men Prefer Heavier Women #~# A new British study found that men placed in stressful situations tended to rate photographs of females with higher body mass indexes as more attractive than did stress-free men who were shown the same images. What do you think?
Coworker With Two Computer Screens Not Fucking Around #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Credible sources within your office reported Monday that the guy on the third floor with two computer screens on his desk is not fucking around. "Amazing—he comes in here, sits down next to me and my one sorry-ass screen, turns on his two screens, and starts tearing it up," marketing assistant Todd Piotrowski said as the guy dragged a window from one screen to the other, which sources confirmed was like watching fucking Minority Report or something. "He's got three, maybe four programs open on each screen, plus some sort of group video chat running nonstop—he's going balls to the wall over there. How is he doing all this with only one keyboard?" Piotrowski also speculated that if there’s a limit to how many tabs you can have open in your web browser at once, this guy's gonna hit it.
Occasional Butts #~# AMC
Nation's Economists Quietly Evacuating Their Families #~# NEW YORK—As employment stagnates, manufacturing continues its slump, and overall confidence in the U.S. financial system wavers, the nation’s economists have begun abandoning their homes and sending their loved ones overseas. “We’ve noticed a trend among the leading economic thinkers, be they Keynsians, supply-siders, or students of the Austrian school—they’re putting their families on one-way flights out of the country, often leaving half-finished survival bunkers behind them,” Paul Klement, an analyst with the Brookings Institute, told reporters Tuesday. “The flights aren’t on domestic carriers, either. I think they saw something in that last transportation industry report that really spooked them.” At press time, none of the nation’s economists could be reached for comment.
Subway Releases Pool-Water-Soaked Sandwiches To Honor Michael Phelps' Retirement #~# MILFORD, CT—Subway officials announced Friday that for a limited time all sandwiches on their menu would be drenched in chlorinated pool water to celebrate the historic swimming career of U.S. Olympian Michael Phelps. "We thought the only way to honor Michael was to let his fans enjoy Subway sandwiches the way he eats them—completely sopping wet after swimming laps," said Subway president Fred DeLuca, adding that the water at all locations would be sourced locally from public pools. "Your heart is going to swell with American pride for Michael's amazing accomplishments every time you sink your teeth into a soggy Italian B.M.T. or a chlorine-flavored Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki." In recognition of Phelps' record 22 Olympic medals, DeLuca confirmed that the chain is only charging customers 22 cents for a second dunking of their sandwich in pool water.
Fuck, Roommates Want To Have Meeting #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Sitting in the living room of his apartment Wednesday, a visibly anxious Drew Johnson told reporters that, fuck, his roommates want to have a meeting as soon as everyone can find a moment.
Gabby Douglas #~# Sixteen-year-old Gabby Douglas, known as the "flying squirrel," became the first American to win gold medals in the individual and team all-around competitions during the same Olympics. Is she any good?
New Dating Site Matches Users With Partners They Deserve #~# SAN MATEO, CA—Silicon Valley insiders are abuzz over a new dating site, JustMatch.com, which offers users the chance to be paired with the romantic partner they have coming to them. "It takes less than five minutes to fill out our online personality questionnaire and find that special someone you absolutely deserve given the kind of life you've lived," chief creative officer Douglas Spivey said Thursday. "JustMatch.com's unique algorithm sees through the face you show to the world each day, identifies your true self, and matches your profile with that of a partner every bit as awful as you are. For example, we've already helped several attention-starved narcissists meet up with cold-hearted monsters who withhold affection." Spivey added that he himself had successfully used the service to meet and marry the compulsive cheater whom he, as a chronic workaholic, was entitled to.
Thursday, August 16 #~# Authorities will be coming by homes to collect all children born the week of June 11-17 as foretold in the prophecy.
Area Man Confident He Could Design Way Cooler Medal Stand #~# OGDEN, UT—During the medal ceremony for the women's 100-meter hurdles, 34-year-old Richard Bowen announced that he could totally design a much cooler Olympic podium, living room sources confirmed Friday. "It's just a stupid purple stand with a little step on it for the winner," Bowen said of the current podium, which he described as "super lame," claiming he could "whip up a way better one in no time." "I'd make it curvy on the side parts for one thing, kind of like a big wavy 'W,' and the first-place guy would be up way higher so that he stands out more. And I'd put bigger golden rings on the front with some badass green flames going around them, too." As of press time, Bowen was sketching up a few original ideas that would "blow that dumb Olympic-ring logo right out of the water" by adding "a bunch more circles."
Andrea Kremer Proves Journalistic Prowess By Asking Olympian How That Felt #~# LONDON—NBC Olympic reporter and 30-year veteran of the journalistic craft Andrea Kremer exhibited her unequaled interviewing talents last week by asking a gold-medal-winning swimmer how it felt to win her race. "A gold medal, how does it feel?" asked Kremer, proving her adept ability to dig beneath the surface and down to the true heart of a story in a manner that's earned her two Emmys during her career. "It's got to feel pretty good, right?" Kremer also displayed her exemplary tact and skill a week earlier when the intrepid sports reporter conducted a postrace interview with the U.S. men's 400-meter freestyle relay team, causing journalists far and wide to question their own abilities when she asked Ryan Lochte, who was passed in the final lap, "What happened?"
Just Give Us Five Episodes #~# CBS
Colorado Shooter Being Evicted #~# Eviction proceedings were formally brought against accused Aurora, CO gunman James Holmes on Wednesday, with his landlord citing the tenant’s murder of 12 theatergoers, damage to the premises, and rigging of multiple explosive devices in the apartment as violations of his lease. What do you think?
Lakers Accidentally Trade For 7-Inch-Tall Center Dwink Howard #~# LOS ANGELES—An embarrassed Lakers management called a press conference Friday morning to announce they had accidentally orchestrated a four-team deal to acquire 7-inch center Dwink Howard, instead of 7-foot center Dwight Howard, as they had intended. "Clearly Dwink doesn't bring quite as much to the table as Dwight would have, but we're trying to remain positive and focus on how much Dwink will improve the atmosphere around here," said Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak, referring to Dwink Howard's proclivity for boosting team morale with his squeaky inspirational speeches and teensy locker room hijinks. "He just might be the tiny piece we need to help us win another NBA championship. And now that Andrew Bynum’s gone, we don't have to worry so much about somebody smooshing him." Kupchak closed the press conference by suggesting the Lakers were attempting to offset Thursday's mistake with an attempt to acquire 70-foot power forward/center Emega Okafor from the Wizards.
Christian Bale Visits Sikh Temple Victims #~# MILWAUKEE—Actor Christian Bale, star of the summer blockbuster The Dark Knight Rises, reportedly spent several hours Thursday visiting the hospital where the three men wounded in last Sunday’s shooting spree at a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, WI are being treated. "To be honest, we were a little surprised when he stopped by, but it was certainly a thoughtful gesture on his part," said Jim Douglas, president of the hospital where the gunshot victims, including one police officer and a man who remains in critical condition, continue to recover. "Our patients seemed confused by his presence at first, but once we introduced him to them, they did their best to smile and nod hello." In a statement released early Friday, Bale extended his "deepest sympathies" to the injured and the families of the deceased, and said that spending time with the victims was "the least [he] can do anytime something this awful happens."
Cain Train #~# "You better get your tickets ready, because it's time to ride the Cain train again." – Herman Cain
Herman Cain Lifts Suspension Of Presidential Campaign #~# ATLANTA—More than eight months after suspending his campaign amidst plummeting poll numbers and allegations of sexual misconduct, Georgia businessman Herman Cain appeared at a spirited rally Friday to announce he was officially lifting the suspension and resuming his bid for the presidency.
Gaffes By NFL Replacement Referees #~# The NFL's replacement referees are off to an inauspicious start, bumbling numerous calls while officiating the first preseason games. Onion Sports takes a look at the worst blunders.
July Was Hottest Month Ever In U.S. #~# With an average temperature of 77.6 degrees throughout the contiguous United States, last month was officially the nation’s hottest on record, breaking the previous all-time high set in July 1936 during the height of the Dust Bowl. What do you think?
Gabby Douglas Excited To Return To Her Abnormal, Totally Fucked-Up Life #~# LONDON—Women's individual all-around gold medalist and media darling Gabby Douglas admitted Thursday that as much as she loves all the attention she has received at the Olympics, she’s looking forward to returning to her completely abnormal, fucked-up life back in the United States.
Al Michaels, Bob Costas Not Even Sure Who's Who Anymore #~# LONDON—As they prepared for the last few days of their second Olympics broadcast together, NBC co-anchors Al Michaels and Bob Costas were no longer able to determine which one of them is which, sources confirmed Thursday. “Hi, everyone, and welcome back to our continuing coverage of the 2012 Olympics. I’m Bob Costas,” Michaels said during the prime-time segment. “And alongside me is—well, it appears to be Bob Costas. Which makes me Al Michaels, I think.” After Costas responded with a genial “That’s right, Bob,” both men turned and looked blankly at the camera for several seconds until the video feed cut to men’s volleyball highlights.
U.S. Cleaning Up Agent Orange In Vietnam #~# Thirty-seven years after the end of the Vietnam War, the United States will clean up an area in central Vietnam where Agent Orange was synthesized and stored, as seepage of the toxic defoliant into the groundwater has long been blamed by locals for cancer and birth defects. What do you think?
Saturday, August 11 #~# In case of inclement weather, the high noon pistol duel between the mayor and city council president scheduled for Perryman Park will instead be held at 12:45 p.m. in the Harrison Elementary School gymnasium.
Weird, Area Woman Wasn’t Harassed Today #~# ATLANTA—Returning home from work Wednesday evening, area woman Caitlin Levy suddenly realized that, quite unusually, she had not been harassed or propositioned for sex even once the entire day, the puzzled 28-year-old told reporters.
NASA Calls It A Mission As Curiosity Rover Fills Up Whole 2-Gigabyte Memory Card #~# PASADENA, CA—Barely 72 hours after the landing of its Mars rover, NASA officials announced Thursday that their mission had ended, as Curiosity's two-gigabyte memory card was now filled to capacity. "Well, that's that, folks," said chief scientist John Grotzinger, explaining that after Curiosity's Mars Descent Imager took an especially high-resolution JPEG of the Aeolis Mons mountain, the $2.5-billion rover’s SanDisk card only had 0.03 GB of space remaining. "Honestly, we thought two gigs would be more than enough. That's like a 1,000 pictures, right? I guess we probably should have deleted those old Hubble photos off there before the mission." Grotzinger confirmed that even if the rover had been equipped with a larger memory card, it likely would have had only enough power for a few more hours of exploration before it had to return to Earth to have its battery recharged.
'Romney Murdered JonBenét Ramsey,' New Obama Campaign Ad Alleges #~# CHICAGO—With campaign rhetoric becoming increasingly heated and both presidential nominees releasing more attack ads, a new 30-second spot from the Obama campaign this week accuses his opponent Mitt Romney of committing the 1996 murder of 6-year-old beauty pageant queen JonBenét Ramsey.
Now That Man Has Heard About Barack Obama, He Sees References To Him All Over The Place #~# WEST LEBANON, NH—After first learning of Barack Obama from a news broadcast last Friday, 29-year-old Aaron Chamberland said he has since been unable to go about his daily life without noticing references to the man nearly everywhere he goes. "It's one of those weird things. As soon as I heard it, it started appearing all over—online, on TV. I even saw it on a T-shirt," said Chamberland, noting he had been "astonished" to hear at least half a dozen complete strangers mention the name over the past several days. "Everywhere I go now it's Barack Obama this, Barack Obama that. It's like, 'What the fuck?'" Chamberland went on to tell reporters that his recent discovery eventually led him to realize that Barack Obama was the husband of first lady Michelle Obama, whom he has always greatly admired.
Graphic Anti-Smoking Ads Effective #~# The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that its recent anti-smoking ad campaign, which shows actual people who have suffered disease, paralysis, and amputations as a result of tobacco use, has been more successful than anticipated. What do you think?
Friday, August 10 #~# Between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m., American Legion Post 501 invites you to lie down on a vinyl cot while a nursing school trainee repeatedly pokes a needle in your arm in an effort to extract your blood, which will be donated to someone you don’t know.
'Hatecore' Music Used As Recruitment Tool #~# The revelation that Wisconsin shooter Wade Michael Page played in the hardcore punk white-power bands End Apathy and Definite Hate has increased the public’s awareness of the so-called ‘hatecore’ style of music, which is used as a recruitment tool by white supremacist organizations. What do you think?
Biden's eBay Feedback Rating Dips Below 35 Percent #~# WASHINGTON—A recent wave of negative bidder responses posted to Joe Biden's eBay account has for the first time dropped the vice president's already unfavorable feedback rating below the 35 percent mark. "Poor packaging, pages torn, and item routed through Tijuana and delayed more than four months!!!" read the angry feedback for VINTAGE CALENDAR OF BORIS VALLEJO EROTIC FANTASY ART, which was listed alongside items such as used kamikaze bandanas and bottles of pheromone cologne. "Seller refused to give me a refund and just said he’d give me partial credit if I wanted to buy a neon Stroh's sign. STAY AWAY!!!!" At press time, Biden’s feedback rating was approaching 25 percent as no one had received the 500-count box of tanning glasses they had ordered.
Bugs In Your Body #~# Discovery
Study: Pretending Everything's Okay Works #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—A study released Thursday by researchers at Harvard University's Department of Psychology has found that the simple act of pretending one's life is not a complete shambles threatening to collapse at any moment works. "Even when everything is coming apart at the seams and disaster is almost certainly imminent, putting up a good front for friends and loved ones makes everything better," said Professor Christine Wanamaker, who explained that smiling a lot and evasive answers were usually enough to get by. "Tell everyone that things are fine, and they will be fine. Just don't over-think it." When asked about her study's methodology, Wanamaker said the research was rock-solid, had been looked over by a bunch of scientists, and definitely wasn't anything to worry about.
Drought Ravages U.S. #~# With the worst drought in half a century devastating the central and southern United States, the Agriculture Department has designated more than half the nation’s counties as disaster areas. Here are some consequences of the historically hot and dry conditions: 
Tucson Shooter Switches Plea To 'Guilty' #~# After more than a year of being forcibly medicated, Jared Loughner, who is charged with killing six people and wounding 13 others, including recently retired Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, switched his plea from not guilty to guilty yesterday. What do you think?
Pet Eating Like Country Isn't In Goddamn Recession #~# RICHMOND, IN—Apparently heedless of the dismal fiscal climate, local dog Digby is wolfing down kibble as though the United States isn't limping its way through a goddamn economic crisis, the pet's owners confirmed Thursday.
LeBron James Admits Current USA Basketball Team Couldn't Beat 2012 Miami Heat #~# LONDON—In a stunning revelation, small forward LeBron James humbly conceded Tuesday that the current U.S. Olympic basketball team lacked the athleticism and talent to defeat the 2012 Miami Heat. "Team USA is solid, and we have some pretty good guys, like Kobe, Durant, and James, but there's no way we could possibly compete with James, Wade, Chalmers, Battier, and Bosh," said James, adding that the 2012 Miami Heat was loaded with too many superstars. "If we relied on LeBron, it might not be a blowout, I suppose. Still, the 2012 Miami Heat squad is the best of the best." James, who told reporters the U.S. basketball team had a coaching advantage over the Heat, struggled for several minutes trying to recall the name of Miami’s "shitty coach."
Buster Olney Encourages His Children to Submit Any Questions They Might Have About Homework, Sex, or Trade Rumors to @Buster_ESPN #~# YORKTOWN HEIGHTS, NY—ESPN baseball writer Buster Olney sat his kids down Monday evening to tell them they could always bring any questions about school, reproductive health, Alfonso Soriano's contract, or anything else on their minds to him on Twitter. "I don't care what the question is, whether it's about long division, having wet dreams, run differential, or whatever, I'm your dad and I'm going to tweet you back," said Olney, reminding his children that any prospective trade acquisition they asked about at this point in the season would have to first pass through waivers. "I do get a lot of tweets, so you guys may want to use a hashtag like #olneyfamily to make sure I see it, but the important thing to know is that I will always be there for you on social media." Olney cautioned his kids to type @Buster_ESPN with an underscore, claiming there was "some guy" with the Twitter handle @BusterESPN pretending to be him.
Wikipedia Offline After Cables Cut #~# The popular user-generated encyclopedia Wikipedia went dark for roughly two hours yesterday after fiber optic cables from its Florida data center were severed. What do you think?
Foundation Honored For Work With Developmentally Disabled Celebrities #~# LOS ANGELES—During a gala dinner at the Avalon-Carver Community Center Thursday night, officials from the City of Los Angeles honored the Shining Star Foundation for its ongoing work with local developmentally disabled celebrities.
'Just Illegalize Us Already,' Nation's Assault Weapons Beg #~# 'We Are Tired Of Killing People,' Plead Firearms
Clint Eastwood Endorses Romney #~# At a Republican fundraiser in Sun Valley, ID, famed actor and director Clint Eastwood provided a surprise endorsement of Mitt Romney, saying, "The country needs a boost." What do you think?
I'm Proud Of All My Songs, Even The Ones I Stole From People I Heard At Open-Mic Nights #~# For more than 50 years now, I’ve been a professional songwriter. It’s been a great privilege, putting these songs out in the world and watching them inspire generation after generation. It’s been said my best songs have become permanent touchstones of American life. And I take great pride in all my songs, even the ones I plagiarized from musicians I heard performing at open-mic nights.
2012 World Series Of Darts #~# ESPN
Michele Bachmann Thankful No Americans Died In Sikh Shooting #~# WASHINGTON—In response to the shooting death of six Sikh worshippers at a temple in Oak Creek, WI yesterday, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) offered a public expression of her thankfulness that no Americans had been killed in the rampage. "It's a relief and a blessing that not a single American died in this event," Bachmann said of the incident that claimed the lives of six Americans who practice the Sikh faith. "All of us can be grateful for that. Had the gunman targeted a church or synagogue, this violent act could have been much, much worse. There's no telling how many Americans might have died." Bachmann concluded by calling on citizens nationwide to direct all their thoughts and prayers to the family of wounded police lieutenant Brian Murphy, who was shot multiple times while rushing to help victims.
Mars Rover Lands Safely #~# The NASA rover Curiosity touched down safely on the Martian surface following a complex descent and landing procedure that scientists had dubbed the "seven minutes of terror." What do you think?
NASA Now Almost Positive Mars Is Rocky #~# PASADENA, CA—After initial transmissions from the Mars rover Curiosity provided multiple images of the Red Planet, officials from NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory confirmed Monday that scientists are now pretty sure the surface of Mars is rocky. "There are still a lot more tests to conduct, and many additional research projects that will take quite some time to complete, but we are now more certain than ever that Mars is covered in rocks, and that those rocks are red in color," said JPL director Charles Elachi, explaining that Curiosity had already transmitted several high-resolution photographs of "a whole bunch of rocks" from its landing spot in Mars' Gale Crater. "We are only one day into our two-year expedition, but we feel confident in our hypothesis that the surface of Mars contains many kinds rocks—not just ordinary-sized rocks, but perhaps also very large ones. I would say we’ll need to send several more rovers up there, and eventually a manned mission, to prove once and for all that Mars has rocks on it." Elachi also told reporters that he is optimistic the $2.5-billion mission will be a stepping stone toward one day concluding that Mars is big, cold, and completely uninhabitable.
Nation's Sane People To Nation's Insane People: 'Please Stop Shooting Us' #~# WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of Sunday’s deadly shooting in which a white supremacist allegedly shot and killed six congregants at a Sikh temple in Wisconsin, the nation’s psychologically sound populace issued a statement begging its insane counterparts to please, please stop shooting so many Americans. “Today we come together with a single voice, hoping to reach you with one very simple message: For the love of God, please stop firing your guns at us,” a statement from the sane read in part. “We don’t care if you’re a 22-year-old male with a history of psychological illness, a severely unhinged graduate student who fell through the cracks of our mental health care system, or an embittered middle-aged man convinced that religious minorities are threatening the fabric of America. All we ask is that you cease charging into rooms full of innocent people and raining down bullets on everyone in sight.” After making their urgent plea, the American people reportedly began stocking up on guns in the hopes of preventing future shootings from taking place.
Mood In Gotham City Rogues Training Camp Upbeat #~# GOTHAM CITY—At a press conference following Monday's practice, newly appointed Rogues head coach Adam Kewell said the team was feeling cheerfully optimistic about the upcoming season despite the constant reminder of the devastating terrorist attacks that killed thousands in the city last winter. "Obviously football had to take a backseat for a while there, and our thoughts are with all the victims and their families," said Kewell, referring to the bombings that destroyed much of the city's infrastructure and obliterated the field at Gotham Stadium, forcing the Rogues to play home games at Gotham Tech Stadium. "We only have one player left on the roster from last season, but everyone in this organization knows how important football is to the Gotham community, especially this year. If we can help the healing process by winning some football games, then that's exactly what we're going to do." Rogues officials later unveiled the team's new jerseys, which feature 89 black patches commemorating the Gotham City players and coaches who lost their lives during the tragic attacks.
'Vertigo' Named Top Movie Of All Time #~# The 1958 Alfred Hitchcock thriller Vertigo was named the greatest movie of all time in the British Film Institute's annual ranking of the top 50 movies, ousting Orson Welles' 1941 classic Citizen Kane from the spot it had occupied for half a century. What do you think?
Romney Stuck In Endless Loop Of Uncomfortable Chuckling #~# PORTSMOUTH, VA—According to increasingly concerned campaign sources, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney entered his 400th consecutive hour of uneasy chuckling Monday, apparently stuck in an endless loop of discomfort and apprehension that so far has shown no sign of abating.
Struggling Marlins Begin Construction On New Stadium #~# MIAMI—After a disappointing start to their inaugural season in Marlins Park, Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria unveiled plans Friday to build a new waterfront stadium at Mid-Beach, tentatively called Marlins Field. "We made a lot of great memories at Marlins Park, but our fans need a modern facility capable of housing a winning team," said Loria, who expects funding for the project to be approved by the city and county governments. "This is something we can't solve just by renaming the team the Southeastern Miami Marlins, changing our colors to maroon and gold, hiring a new manager, and installing a sculpture of a giant mermaid who dances with six glittering, spinning marlins every time the team hits a home run, though certainly we will do all of those things." Loria said the Marlins will be conducting yet another fire sale to rid themselves of their recently signed star free agents, but added that he hopes the new stadium will be able to draw star free agents to Miami.
Spelling Bees #~# Game Show
Phelps Drowns #~# LONDON—American swimmer Michael Phelps, who earned 21 medals and became the most decorated Olympian of all time, drowned Saturday while competing in the last scheduled race of his career, officials for the London games confirmed.
Breathtaking Easter Island #~# The island’s ancient, solemn carved stone faces, known as moai, are regarded by natives as deifications of long-dead ancestors and clan chieftains. So come behold these truly mystical, awe-inspiring sights, and remember that August is silly-wig month.
Nation Still Reeling From Mega-Success Of 'Mr. Popper's Penguins' #~# WASHINGTON—The nation's 300 million citizens announced Saturday that they are still walking around in a collective awe-inspired daze from the phenomenal blockbuster movie Mr. Popper's Penguins, which in its 13-month run has grossed $312 billion, made Carla Gugino Hollywood's top-paid actress, spawned a No. 1–rated spin-off series on the CW, and inspired 200 million downloads of the "Where's It Poppin?" smartphone app, which directs users to the closest screening of the movie. "Not a day goes by at work without hearing [Mr.] Popper['s Penguins] quoted at least five times," said self-described "Pop nut" Cassie O'Hara, 32, proudly displaying the tattoo on her hip of the film's affectionate penguin Lovey. "It's such a vital cultural touchstone. Years from now, historians will describe the world as pre-Popper or post-Popper. I've seen it once a week for the past year, and I'm just now finally getting a little bit tired of it." Indeed, concerned that the film's popularity has finally peaked, animal shelters across America are preparing for a sudden influx of penguins bought as pets and now expected to be abandoned on the street.
Andrew Luck Cut From Colts After Overthrowing Wide-Open Receiver #~# ANDERSON, IN—Less than a week into training camp, the Indianapolis Colts announced they had cut quarterback Andrew Luck from the roster because the rookie reportedly overthrew wide receiver Reggie Wayne by more than 2 feet during practice. "We appreciate everything Andrew has done for our organization, but we strongly believe that today's performance proves we need to move on," owner Jim Irsay said Friday, throwing his full support behind Drew Stanton as the future of the Colts. "Some may question our decision to sever ties with the No. 1 pick, but I can guarantee that anybody who saw how wide-open Reggie was would agree. I mean, that pass wasn't even close." Teams in desperate need of a quarterback now have a choice between claiming Luck or former Redskins passer Robert Griffith III, who was released Thursday after his shoe came untied.
The World's Leakiest Faucets #~# Discovery
Man Doesn’t Even Do Good Job At Sleeping #~# BROOKLYN, NY—With a history of tossing and turning, waking himself up with his own snoring, experiencing sleep interruptions every half hour, and general restlessness, Corey White, 31, admitted Monday that he was not even competent enough to lie in a state of suspended consciousness on a nightly basis. “Why is my arm underneath me? Why is my neck always sore in the morning? I have no idea. And this can’t be a normal amount of drool,” said White, adding that his dentist had threatened to give him a special mouthpiece just so he could stop grinding his teeth in his sleep. “And the snoring? Jesus, I can’t even breathe correctly.” Unfortunately, no sources could corroborate White’s lack of skill at sleeping, as he invariably goes to bed completely and utterly alone.
Olympic Surprises #~# One week into competition, the London 2012 Games has already provided its share of surprises, including Michael Phelps failing to win a medal in the 400-meter individual medley. Onion Sports looks at the most stunning moments so far.
Unemployment Rate Up #~# Despite the addition of 163,000 jobs in July, the U.S. unemployment rate rose slightly to 8.3 percent, suggesting the economic recovery remained weak. What do you think?
Andrei Kirilenko #~# Russian small forward Andrei Kirilenko has scored 51 points in his first two games of the 2012 Olympics and recently signed a two-year, $20 million deal with the Timberwolves. Is he any good?
Area Man Still Searching For Hookup Subculture On LinkedIn #~# GLADYS, VA—After weeks of concerted effort aimed at trying to meet sexual partners through the professional networking site, local man Hugh Nesbitt told reporters Friday that he has yet to break in to the underworld of casual hookups surely hidden beneath the surface of LinkedIn.com. "There has to be some way people are using this to arrange sexual encounters, right? You can't honestly tell me that everyone on there is looking for jobs," said Nesbitt, 27, adding that there were far too many people connected through the site for nothing seedy to be going on. "I see there's a 'recommendation' button. Is that the way down the rabbit hole? Or maybe it's some kind of exclusive thing where I need to get an introduction from someone who's already in on the action? That must be it." At press time, Nesbitt had successfully used LinkedIn to locate a former coworker whose profile photo he could masturbate to.
Area Family Awakes To Find Michelle Obama Tending Backyard Garden #~# HENNIKER, NH—Sources within the Cafferty household confirmed that at approximately 8 a.m. Friday the family awoke, peered out their kitchen window, and saw what was, unmistakably, the first lady of the United States kneeling in their backyard garden and humming softly to herself as she tended to a patch of heirloom tomatoes. "Look, she's wearing a big gardening hat, and I think she's planting kale or something," whispered Adam Cafferty, 43, who at one point made prolonged eye contact with Michelle Obama before she smiled broadly and returned to pulling out weeds. "That cucumber plant was definitely not there before. How long has she been out there?" Upon standing up and surveying her work, Obama reportedly gave the Caffertys a friendly wave, calmly walked around to their neighbor’s yard, and began working on the next garden.
Hungary's Szilagyi Pulls Off Upset In—Christ, One More Week Of This? #~# LONDON—Fifth-seeded Hungarian fencer Aron Szilagyi pulled off a stunning upset Sunday, winning the gold medal in the individual saber event with a 15-8 victory over Italy's Diego Occhiuzzi that—ugh, for Christ's sake, there's another whole goddamn week of this Olympics crap?
Hotmail Rebranded Outlook.com #~# Microsoft recently announced that its 16-year-old online e-mail service Hotmail would be streamlined, closely integrated with social media, and renamed Outlook.com. What do you think?
Fed: 'If Jobs Are Meant To Be With Us, They'll Come Back On Their Own' #~# WASHINGTON—Following a two-day meeting to discuss the country's continually disappointing employment numbers, officials from the Federal Reserve announced Friday that if jobs are really meant to be with the American people, they’ll return of their own volition. "Listen, if it's meant to be, it’ll happen," said Fed chairman Ben Bernanke, adding that there’s no point in purchasing new mortgage-backed securities or keeping the federal funds rate near zero percent "if both parties don't want this to work." "We can't spend all our time and energy trying to force this. We have to let them do their own thing, and if they don't come back, then maybe we were just never meant to be together." Bernanke confirmed that, while he is realistic about the slim chance of jobs ever actually returning, Americans should "always leave the door open" in case things change in the future.
Peyton On Beginning Of Manning Era In Denver: ‘I Will Break My Neck’ #~# ENGLEWOOD, CO— Speaking to reporters from Broncos training camp, quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed Thursday that the exciting new Manning era in Denver will be immortalized with the breaking of his neck. "It might not be this season, it might not even be next season, but at some point during my time as a Denver Bronco, my neck will splinter into pieces," said the four-time MVP, adding that after multiple surgeries and a spinal fusion to repair significant nerve damage, his neck was "practically waiting to be snapped in half." "You're all going to watch it happen, too. It will be disgusting and incredibly, incredibly painful, and you’ll probably see a million replays of it afterward. There's a really good chance it will be a compound fracture and the bones will be bent at a 90-degree angle and jutting out of my throat." As of press time, Manning had been secured to a stretcher and carefully loaded into an ambulance after shattering four intervertebral disks and severing his cervical spinal nerve while attempting to remove his jersey.
Bob Costas About 2 Seconds Away From Comparing Badminton Scandal To 1919 Black Sox #~# LONDON—Speaking in measured, purposeful tones, NBC Olympic sportscaster Bob Costas is at this moment very close to comparing the current badminton match-fixing controversy to the 1919 Black Sox scandal, sources have confirmed. “As sports fans, we’ve come to expect greatness from our heroes, and the present badminton scandal reminds me of how, at times, those heroes can fail us, and fall short of our expectations,” said Costas, his unbreaking gaze fixed directly on the camera. “Why do we watch sports? Why are we drawn to the sights, the smells, the larger-than-life personalities? The sound of the hot dog vendor, the crack of the bat, the call of ‘strike three’ after an Eddie Cicotte knuckleball has sailed into the catcher’s mitt, a perfectly hit shuttlecock, the roar of the crowd at old Comiskey Park. We cherish our athletes. In some sense we hold them to a higher standard than we hold ourselves. They become the measuring stick for all we strive to be. They play, not on some sandlot on the outskirts of Chicago or some backyard badminton court in Beijing, but in cathedrals built in their honor. Cathedrals where they stand at the altar of greatness while we look up to them and say, ‘Show us. Show us the grace and poise and raw talent it takes to track down a shot to left center or perform a backhand net kill.’ However, sports isn’t just about poetry in motion, or the physical ballet of jump shots, double plays, and forehand smashes. It’s about our heroes serving as torchbearers—no pun intended—not only for the sport they represent, but for the fans who look up to them. Lou Gehrig, Bill Russell, Bobby Orr, Casey Stengel, Walter Payton, Wayne Gretzky, Jim Thorpe, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Han Jian, Larry Bird, Jackie Robinson, Sandy Koufax, Rod Laver, Joe Lewis, Roy Campanella, Roberto Clemente, Arthur Ashe, Zhao Jianhua, and Muhammad Ali—people who played their respective games with integrity. The unfortunate events that took place here in London are an example of what happens when our heroes falter and break our hearts. Imagine the face of the 10-year-old badminton player who just realized that everything he’s come to believe in isn’t true—that his heroes are just people, people who aren’t perfect, who disappoint, who don’t always live up to our ideals.” At press time, Costas continued to speak.
FDA Okays Ingestible Sensor #~# The Food and Drug Administration approved the use of an ingestible digital sensor that can be embedded inside a pill and swallowed, allowing doctors to remotely monitor a patient’s heart rate, activity level, and other health indicators. What do you think?
Badminton World Rocked By Worst Scandal Since Dad Tapped Aunt Carla's Ass With Racket #~# LONDON—The entire badminton world remained in a state of shock Thursday following the disqualification of eight athletes from the 2012 Olympics for allegedly throwing their matches, an incident experts are calling the sport’s highest profile scandal since Dad lightly swatted Aunt Carla’s ass with his racket during last year’s family get-together at Uncle Rob’s house. “The shameful actions of these four teams, including the world’s No. 1 women’s pair, are a stain on the sport the likes of which we haven’t seen since Labor Day, when Dad had a few Rolling Rocks and tapped his sister-in-law on her ass right there in front of everyone,” said Badminton World Federation head Thomas Lund, referring to the incident that was said to have been accompanied by a congratulatory “Atta girl” after Aunt Carla successfully served the birdie. “To preserve the integrity of the sport, we will take immediate disciplinary measures against these players in much the same way Mom did when she made Dad switch teams and play on the other side of the net.” Badminton officials agreed, however, that the ongoing scandal still paled in comparison to the devastating black-eye the sport received back on July 4, 2008, when Cousin Kevin pressed the webbing of a Sportcraft racket onto his face, leaving his entire cheek and forehead temporarily covered in small red squares.
Jonah Lehrer Working On Book About Neuroscience Behind Why We Falsify Quotes #~# NEW YORK—Following his admission this week that he fabricated quotes he attributes to Bob Dylan in his nonfiction bestseller Imagine, disgraced former New Yorker staff writer Jonah Lehrer announced he had begun work on a new book detailing the unseen neurological factors and genetic patterns behind why we completely invent our source material. "It will take an in-depth, and often whimsical, look at how the quote-falsifying mind works, as well as the sociological conditions that allow such a mind to produce fraudulent work at a very fast pace," said Lehrer, adding that the book would also explore how the human mind, historically, has been able to use invented sources to support vague or fundamentally unsound pop science theories. "What I hope to convey is the notion that, far from being anomalous, utterly horseshit fabricated quotes are, in a sense, constantly hovering around us in the cultural ether, waiting for a certain mind to take hold of them. In that sense they are fundamental to human creativity." Lehrer confirmed the book would contain more than 8,000 citations from sources in the fields of science, medicine, sports, entertainment, politics, and literature.
Michael Phelps Asks Bob Costas If He Wins Or Loses Tonight #~# LONDON—Following a morning interview with Bob Costas, American swimmer Michael Phelps is reported to have surreptitiously asked the NBC anchor how well he does in tonight’s 200-meter individual medley final. “I know you guys know the results of these things before you air them, and I know you’re not supposed to say anything, but how do I do? Do I get a medal?” Phelps was overheard asking Costas in hushed tones, adding that if Costas told him the results of the forthcoming event, he promised not to say a word. “At least tell me what my time is. Is it a world record? A personal record? How does Ryan [Lochte] do? Am I leading after the first lap?” According to sources, Costas declined to talk about the swimming results, but privately assured Phelps that he would “not want to miss a second” of the 2:30 p.m. men’s handball preliminary match between Croatia and Hungary.
Human Culture Much Older Than Thought #~# Scientists recently discovered 44,000-year-old jewelry made from ostrich eggs and poison-tipped arrows in a South African cave, a finding that suggests modern human culture emerged more than 20,000 years earlier than previously believed. What do you think?
Argument Between Employees Shatters Illusion Of Professionalism Traditionally Associated With Walgreens #~# JOLIET, IL— According to eyewitness reports, two employees at a local Walgreens engaged in a heated argument Sunday in full view of customers, shattering the air of decorum traditionally associated with the drugstore chain. "Like most people, I've come to expect a certain level of courtesy and professionalism when I enter a Walgreens—the kind of effortless competence all retailers aspire to but few ever achieve," said shaken patron Gabe Lawrie, 28, who described two checkout clerks engaging in a loud dispute and not even acknowledging his presence until their exchange was interrupted when one took a personal phone call. "When you hear the name Walgreens, you think: an expert staff with a thorough knowledge of the store's products and—above all else—an unfailing respect for the dignity of the customer. I was looking around thinking, 'Is this a Walgreens? Am I in the wrong store?'" Lawrie then shook his head and crossed the street to CVS, where a white-gloved assistant manager greeted him with direct eye contact and a deep bow.
Dateline #~# NBC
Iced Tea Festival #~# Can't go to a wine festival because you gave up drinking? Come drink hundreds of flavors of iced tea with a bunch of other people getting their lives together!
Ebola Reaches Ugandan Capital #~# With 16 confirmed dead from the latest outbreak of Ebola in Uganda, including at least one fatality in the nation’s capital of Kampala, officials are urging citizens to help stem the spread of the highly lethal disease by not shaking hands or having casual sex. What do you think?
Nation's Lower Class At Least Grateful It Not Part Of Nation's Middle Class #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—A survey released Wednesday by researchers at the University of North Carolina found that despite the many challenges they face, the nation's lowest-income individuals are nonetheless thankful they don't have to endure the unique hardships of the nation's long-suffering middle class.
Democrats To Call For Same-Sex Marriage #~# For the first time ever, Democrats appear set to include marriage equality as an official plank in their platform when they meet this September in Charlotte, NC for their national convention. What do you think?
300 Million Without Electricity In India After Restoration Of Power Grid #~# NEW DELHI—According to estimates, roughly one-third of a billion Indian citizens were left without power Wednesday after workers successfully repaired the nation's electrical grid and brought all of its systems back online. "Since restoring our infrastructure to 100 percent capacity following Monday and Tuesday's blackouts, vast swaths of India are now completely without access to electricity," said the country's power minister, Veerappa Moily, who confirmed that three out of every four residents lacked access to such basic amenities as lighting, food refrigeration, and the use of simple appliances now that the country's grid had fully recovered. "We are currently not monitoring the situation, as everything appears to be functioning normally again in India." Government officials also stated that the widespread power outage had in no way compromised their ability to provide adequate sanitation to 31 percent of India's citizens.
Vikings vs. Lions #~# This battle between two perennial underperformers, Detroit and Minnesota, has all the makings of an epic disappointment. What does each team need to do to win?
The Science Of Sex #~# Discovery
Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person #~# BOISE, ID—According to friends and family, the automobile accident that claimed the life of area youth Evan Laskin this week tragically cut short the prospects of a talented 18-year-old who had aspired his whole life to be a living person.
Mark Sanchez, Tim Tebow Warm Up By Throwing Ball In Direction Of One Another #~# NEW YORK—In an interview before today’s game against the San Francisco 49ers, Jets head coach Rex Ryan described how quarterbacks Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow's typically warm-up by throwing passes in each other's general direction. “Mark usually chucks a couple balls over Tim’s head, and then Tim throws a few that either fall way short or sail shakily out of bounds,” said Ryan, who explained that the exercise helps the quarterbacks settle into their comfort zones. “If they establish a rhythm in warmups and start getting the ball in approximately the right area, it really helps them avoid intentional grounding penalties on the incomplete passes they throw during the game when it counts.” At press time, Tebow and Sanchez were working on their agility by running to retrieve all the balls that had rolled under sideline benches.
Texting-While-Fielding Causes Record Number Of Outfield Collisions #~# NEW YORK—According to a new report released Saturday by Major League Baseball, a record number of outfield collisions have occurred during the 2012 season due to the rising trend of texting-while-fielding. “Unfortunately, we’ve seen over 600 incidents this year alone, which is roughly triple the number of recorded fielding crashes in 2009,” said the league’s Vice President of Baseball Operations, Joe Torre, revealing that approximately 70 percent of the outfielders in a recent survey admitted to sending texts or emails while trying to catch a pop fly within the last six months. “Texting-while-fielding is incredibly dangerous not only to yourself, but also your teammates. We know it might seem like an important message at the time, but it's just not worth the risk when you're chasing a line drive or sprinting for a hard grounder.” At press time, Cleveland Indians outfielder Michael Brantley was being rushed to the hospital after slamming into Ezequiel Carrera while texting “I got it” to teammates.
You Do, Of Course, Realize That This Is Going To End Very, Very Badly #~# Like millions of viewers around the nation, I was thrilled this week when TLC renewed my television show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, for a second fun-filled season. It fills my heart with joy to know that our raucous Southern lifestyle in rural Georgia entertained so many families and started a "redneck fever.” Heck, more people watched ‘Honey Boo Boo’ than the Republican National Convention. That’s really something!
Netanyahu Feeling Like Trip To US To Start World War III Went Pretty Well #~# NEW YORK—Following his speech to the United Nations General Assembly this week, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Friday that he is “pretty satisfied” with his trip to the U.S. to instigate World War III. “All in all, I think I accomplished my goal of pushing humanity toward the brink of complete and utter annihilation,” said Netanyahu, adding that his implicit calls for international military action against Iran, which would ultimately escalate the conflict to an Armageddon-level of death and destruction, went “fairly well.” “I think I did a good job laying the groundwork for a nuclear holocaust that will kill billions of people and eventually end the world as we know it. Sounded like everyone really liked it, too.” When reached for comment, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told reporters that he was “equally happy” with his own efforts to nudge the world slightly closer to a full-blown apocalypse.
Tommy Lee Jones Tells Jimmy Fallon He Doesn't Want To Play Any Of His Little Fucking Games #~# NEW YORK—Prior to his appearance on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon last week, actor Tommy Lee Jones informed the host that he had no intention of playing “any of [his] little fucking games,” according to sources at NBC. “Listen here, Howdy Doody, I’m not putting on a wig, I’m not doing your skits, I’m not reading any Mötley Crüe lyrics, and I’m sure as shit not singing the Men In Black song with your goddamn band,” said the Oscar winner, who was on the show to promote his film Hope Springs. “Here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna walk out there, sit down, and tell you an amusing anecdote about my movie. Then you’re gonna roll the clip, thank me, and have a producer walk me to the elevator. That’s it. Nothing else. Zippo. I’m a 66-year-old man, for Christ’s sake. So you and your giddy little writing staff can just calm the fuck down.” Fallon reportedly replied by saying “awesome” eighteen times, and then instructed a production assistant to ensure singer Rickie Lee Jones stayed hidden in her dressing room until her surprise serenade of the similarly named guest.
Voting Begins In Iowa #~# More than a month before Election Day, residents of key swing state Iowa began casting their ballots at designated polling locations yesterday as part of the state’s early voting process. What do you think?
Nobody Can Quite Make Out If Lou Holtz Just Went On An Anti-Muslim Rant On ESPN #~# BRISTOL, CT—It remains unclear whether ESPN college football analyst Lou Holtz went on a lengthy, bigoted tangent against Muslims during an on-air segment, sources at the network reported earlier today. “From what I could tell, he either said something derogatory about Muslims or just told me how much he likes roast beef,” said fellow analyst Mark May, who noted that Holtz kept spitting—apparently out of anger—throughout the incomprehensible diatribe. “The whole thing sounded like a mish-mash of anti-Islamic rhetoric along with a list of European cities or something about his ankles, though it was all admittedly pretty hard to discern. Whatever it was, I was offended.” Following his possible tirade, Holtz reportedly glared at the camera for several seconds until the video feed cut back to May.
Robot Butler #~# Fox
D.C. Residents Can Remember Exactly Who They Were Murdering When Nationals Clinched First Ever Playoff Berth #~# WASHINGTON—One week after watching the Washington Nationals clinch their first-ever playoff berth, local fans told reporters Thursday that they would never forget exactly where they were and who they were murdering on the night their team beat the Dodgers 4-1.
California Legalizes Self-Driving Cars #~# Following heavy lobbying pressure from Google, which has already developed its own fleet of self-driving vehicles, California became the third state in the nation to legalize the use of driverless cars on its roadways. What do you think?
Saturday, September 29 #~# The North End Community Center will be holding its annual scavenger hunt this Saturday, so if you’re a guy wearing suspenders, prepare to have your picture taken.
Guy In Suit Handling Newspaper Like A Pro #~# NEW YORK CITY—In a masterful demonstration of control and poise, a man in a suit on a train platform was seen Tuesday manipulating a copy of The New York Times as skillfully as if it were his job. “He was whipping, snapping, creating these perfect creases, and it was all so fluid and beautiful, like some kind of martial art,” said bystander Lisa Giles, 34, noting that sections of the publication emerged and retreated from the suited man’s adroit grasp with the unfailing precision and speed of a magician’s legerdemain. “When the train arrived, he did this breathtaking double-armed flourish, snapped the paper under his arm, and stepped aboard. Then he did the whole thing all over again—this time while keeping one hand on a pole at all times. And he stood perfectly balanced, never once bumping into anyone or taking his eyes from the page as the train jerked forward or came to a sudden stop.” Witnesses agreed they had not seen newspaper handling of so high a caliber since the late-1980s golden age of newspapermanship.
New Chemical Element Created #~# After years of efforts, Japanese scientists claim to have finally synthesized element 113 on the periodic table, and if their findings are verified, it will mark the first time an Asian research team has had the honor of bestowing an official name on a new element. What do you think?
Man Going To Show Up To Launch Of J.K. Rowling's New Book Dressed As Severus Snape Anyway #~# SEAFORD, DE—Disregarding the fact that the novel has nothing to do with Harry Potter or wizardry, local man Quincy Basset, 33, announced his plan to line up for the release of J.K. Rowling’s The Casual Vacancy dressed as Severus Snape anyway. “Fuck it, I don’t care if he’s not in the book,” said Basset, donning his long robes, $200 potion master jacket, and flowing jet black wig as he has for the releases of the past three Harry Potter books, and all eight films. “Look, it’s a book release, J.K. Rowling wrote the book, and I’ve got a Snape outfit. So I’m just going to go for it.” At press time, Basset was waiting in line at his local Barnes and Noble alongside dozens of fans dressed up as the middle-class English teachers, doctors, and shopkeeper characters featured in Rowling’s new book.
Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans #~# LOS ANGELES—The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.
NFL: 'We Want To Protect The Integrity Of Our Brutal, Inhuman Game' #~# NEW YORK—After reaching an agreement with the NFL Referees Association to end the four-month lockout, league commissioner Roger Goodell announced Thursday that he is committed to maintaining the integrity of the violent and completely barbaric sport of professional football.
Insurance Company Celebrates 50 Billionth Fucking Over Of Customer #~# CANTON, OH—Overjoyed Cigna executives celebrated the health insurer’s 50 billionth fucking over of a customer Thursday, personally surprising 56-year-old spinal trauma victim Clyde Gershon with champagne, confetti, and hundreds of multicolored balloons as they denied his most recent disability claim.
Castrated Men May Live Longer #~# An analysis of Korean imperial court records dating from the 1300s to the early 1900s, found that eunuchs lived 14 to 19 years longer than other men, suggesting that male sex hormones may lower the average man’s life span. What do you think?
NFL Fans Excited To Finally Bitch About Regular Referees #~# NEW YORK—After three controversy-filled weeks, the NFL finally reached a deal with its locked-out officials Thursday, sparking waves of excitement from fans longing to bitch and complain about non-replacement referees again. “It’s about damn time, I was starting to wonder if I’d ever get the chance to call the regular refs a bunch of blind-as-fuck dipshits again,” said Jets fan Herb Krzynski, adding that it “just hasn’t felt the same” threatening to injure replacement officials in the parking lot after games. “Honestly, it was hurting the integrity of the game to have us terrorizing the family members of those replacement referees on Facebook. It’s going to feel so much better doing that to the normal referees.” When reached for comment, several of the replacement referees also expressed their excitement to return to officiating at high school and junior college games where they get bitched at by real fans instead of “drunk corporate pricks in $900 seats.”
Thursday, September 27 #~# Adopt a fabulous ferret from the Paws Down Animal Shelter this Thursday! Seriously, they’ll all be put down by 5 p.m. unless someone comes by and gets these things.
My Ex-Girlfriend Must Be Getting Pretty Desperate To Keep Answering All Of My Calls #~# Throughout our relationship, my ex-girlfriend Therese was an emotionally mature person with a good head on her shoulders. So, I have to say, it’s pretty sad to watch her desperately seek my attention by answering my incessant phone calls like this.
Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machines #~# MIAMI—Responding to widespread criticism of voting procedures that have plagued the state since the 2000 election, the Florida Elections Commission announced Thursday its plan to experiment with new 600-lever voting machines.
Madonna Endorses 'Black Muslim' Obama #~# During a concert in Washington, D.C. Monday, pop singer Madonna urged the crowd to support President Barack Obama, whom she referred to as a “black Muslim in the White House” amid an impassioned, profanity-laced political speech. What do you think?
Glowing Ahmadinejad: 'I Am The Nuclear Weapon We've Been Building' #~# NEW YORK— Responding to the ongoing controversy regarding Iran’s nuclear program, brightly glowing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced in his address to the U.N. General Assembly this morning that he himself was the nuclear weapon the Middle Eastern country has been building for the past year. “Ladies and gentlemen, President Obama pledged yesterday to prevent Iran from acquiring a nuclear weapon, but in fact, the weapon in question has been standing before you this entire time,” said Ahmadinejad, emitting a luminous green aura as stunned members in the General Assembly looked on. “Contained within my body is enough chemical explosive and uranium-235 to level all of Manhattan. Do not attempt to run. Do not attempt to warn anyone. It is already too late.” At press time, Ahmadinejad had reportedly shut his eyes as a loud automated countdown began to sound from his open mouth.
Romney's Campaign Gaffes #~# The Romney campaign scrambled to limit political fallout last week after the leaking of a video in which the GOP nominee made controversial comments about low-income Americans and those receiving government assistance. Here are some of Romney’s other campaign-trail gaffes:
Nation's Creepy Middle School Gym Teachers Also Come Out In Favor Of Circumcision #~# WASHINGTON—Following a recent statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics touting the benefits of circumcision, the nation’s creepy middle school gym teachers have also announced their support for the procedure, declaring it the more hygienic and aesthetically preferable alternative. “We just want to see healthy, happy boys out there, unencumbered by unsightly folds of loose foreskin,” creepy middle school gym teacher spokesman Mr. Griffon said at a press conference Wednesday, stressing that his group did not dislike uncircumcised penises per se, but simply found them less than ideal. “No boy should have to go through life with a disease-ridden flap of skin obscuring the elegant curve of his glans.” The group also decried the growing childhood obesity epidemic, due to its reported deleterious effects on student health and the firmness of pubescent breasts.
Pediatricians: Stop Using Trampolines #~# Citing 98,000 trampoline-related injuries in the U.S. in 2009, the American Academy of Pediatrics published a statement in the journal Pediatrics that “strongly discouraged” children’s use of trampolines. What do you think?
Neil Armstrong's Wife Glad To Finally Get Rid Of All The Space Hobby Crap #~# CINCINNATI—Carol Held Knight told reporters on Wednesday that, though she was still mourning her husband Neil Armstrong’s death, it was frankly a relief to finally be able to clear out all the “space hobby crap” her late husband kept lying around the house. “I loved my husband very much, but, honestly, what am I supposed to do with a pile of useless rocks, a moon man figurine of some kind, and a stack of journals he wrote about space in?” said Knight, who recalled that Armstrong once “practically threw a fit” when she tried to get rid of his little plastic space shuttles. “I’m just going put it in a box and leave it on the curb. Some kids from the neighborhood might want it, you never know.” Knight confirmed she planned on giving the spacesuit Armstrong wore on the moon to a thrift store, noting that “it doesn’t fit [her].”
Office Cheering On Employee Going For 32-Minute Nonstop Work Streak #~# NEW YORK — Holding up signs and roaring with applause, employees at Accenture Management Consultants dropped their work Tuesday morning to cheer on coworker James Conrad as he shattered company records by going for a 32-minute non-stop work streak, sources reported. “Go! Go! Go! Go!” coworkers chanted in unison as Conrad answered emails, analyzed data, and managed client accounts for the 19th straight minute without walking around the office, eating, or checking movie trailers on YouTube. “Can he go for 20? He did it! Twenty minutes of unbroken productivity and counting!” At the 22-minute mark, an exhausted Conrad was moments away from checking his Facebook account but was buoyed again by the cheers of his colleagues.
George W. Bush Returns To America After Spending 4 Years In The Himalayas #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Garbed in unwashed robes and wearing a long, gray, wispy beard, former president George W. Bush returned to the United States this morning after spending four years on a spiritual journey in the Himalayas.
Obama Tough On Iran At U.N. #~# Taking a break from the campaign trail, President Barack Obama delivered an address to the United Nations General Assembly this morning in which he stated that time was running out to curb Iran’s nuclear program through diplomacy. What do you think?
BREAKING: Friend Who Just Got Motorcycle Already Dead #~# BRIDGEPORT, CT—Moments after purchasing a new Kawasaki Ninja 250R, your friend Pete has already been killed, bystanders outside the motorcycle dealership have just confirmed. "Boy, that didn't last long," said bike salesman Chris Varrick, adding that “no more than 10 seconds” after becoming a bike owner, Pete lost control of his motorcycle, collided with an 18-wheeler, was flung approximately 30 yards, and died upon impact with the pavement. "He handed over the check, thanked me, and took off down Jackson Road. And then he died." At press time, Pete's younger brother, who inherited the bike, has also already died.
Steve Young Suffers Concussion Attempting To Explain Final Call In Packers, Seahawks Game #~# SEATTLE—ESPN medical personnel confirmed Tuesday that analyst Steve Young suffered a traumatic brain injury Monday night while attempting to explain the referees’ confusing ruling of a touchdown on the last play of the Packers, Seahawks game. “It’s evident that the replacement referees’ questionable, game-deciding call exerted a significant amount of trauma on Mr. Young’s brain and caused him to temporarily lose consciousness while attempting to grasp the rationale of calling that play a touchdown,” said neurologist Richard Spencer, adding that the woozy Young was helped off the ESPN broadcasting set immediately following his disoriented plea for the NFL to bring back the regular officials. "Given Mr. Young's history, this is certainly serious. It’s not surprising that he’s exhibiting signs of cognitive impairment. That ball was intercepted." As of Tuesday morning, Young was reportedly resting comfortably at the Harbor View Medical Center saying that the last thing he remembers from Monday night was Golden Tate pushing a defender squarely in the back and knocking him to the ground before the final pass came down.
Life Spans Fall For Low-Educated Whites #~# While the lives of the nation’s most highly educated have lengthened, the life expectancy for white Americans without a high school diploma has, since 1990, dropped by five years for women and three years for men, to 73.5 and 67.5 respectively. What do you think?
Newly Unemployed Woman Enjoys Equal Pay For First Time In Career #~# BOSTON—In a historic development for gender parity in the American workplace, recently laid-off consultant Paula Saunders, 32, is at last earning an income identical to that of her unemployed male counterparts. “Right now, I’m earning the same amount of money for the same amount of work as [former coworker] Greg [Lowell], who, just like me, started in 2004 and was laid off last week with no severance package,” a visibly proud Saunders told reporters Monday while sitting on her couch at two in the afternoon. “Finally, after years of trying to achieve equality, it’s nice to know that my gender isn’t a financial strike against me. The glass floor has been shattered.” According to company sources who wished to remain anonymous, it was no coincidence that Saunders’ employment was terminated two months after telling her bosses she was pregnant.
Romney Campaign Reboots For 72nd Consecutive Week #~# BOSTON—Saying it was time to get back to basics and “start fresh,” top-level sources at Romney 2012 headquarters announced plans to reboot and reenergize the campaign for the 72nd consecutive week Monday. “We’re looking forward to wiping the slate clean, getting back out there among voters, and showing Americans who Mitt really is and how his policies will work for them,” said communications director Gail Gitcho, stating that the campaign had hit the “reset button” and citizens could look forward to getting to know “the real Mitt” over the next several days, a statement she has made every week since May 2011. “It’s important that we pivot back to Gov. Romney’s central message of economic opportunity for all Americans and just let Mitt be Mitt. I think voters will really like what they hear.” At press time, Romney staffers are already prepping for next week’s campaign reboot after remarks the Republican candidate just uttered at a voter rally in Pueblo, CO.
Pennsylvania Republican Doubts Vote He Just Suppressed Would Even Have Made A Difference #~# PITTSBURGH—After preventing likely Obama supporter Carmen Ruiz from registering to vote on Monday, Republican elections officer Donald Tobin admitted that he doubts the vote he suppressed would actually have made a difference come Election Day. “Obama’s going to win here no matter who I disenfranchise, so what’s the point?” said Tobin, adding that if he lived in a true swing state like Florida or Ohio, his vote suppression might actually count for something. “Honestly, what’s it say about our electoral system when, even if I exercise my right to turn an elderly or enfeebled U.S. citizen away because he doesn’t have a driver’s license, it basically means nothing. That’s not democracy.” Though he was clearly disappointed, Tobin decided he would place an “I Suppressed a Vote Today” sticker on his jacket collar, anyway.
Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama #~# CHARLESTON, WV—According to the results of a Gallup poll released Monday, the overwhelming majority of rural white Americans said they would rather vote for Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than U.S. president Barack Obama. “I like him better,” said West Virginia resident Dale Swiderski, who, along with 77 percent of rural Caucasian voters, confirmed he would much rather go to a baseball game or have a beer with Ahmadinejad, a man who has repeatedly denied the Holocaust and has had numerous political prisoners executed, than spend time with Obama. “He takes national defense seriously, and he’d never let some gay protesters tell him how to run his country like Obama does.” According to the same Gallup poll, 60 percent of rural whites said they at least respected that Ahmadinejad doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s Muslim.
The Bird Sniffer #~# PBS
Voter ID Laws May Bar 10 Million Latinos #~# State laws that restrict voting, including measures that require photo ID or proof of citizenship at the polls, could prevent as many as 10 million Hispanic citizens of the United States from casting a ballot this election, according to a study by civil rights advocates. What do you think?
Baseball Experts: Roger Clemens Too Old For Steroids #~# SUGAR LAND, TX—Claiming the 50-year-old former star was past his prime, the nation’s baseball experts announced Tuesday that pitcher Roger Clemens was too old to make a comeback to steroids.“It’s admirable he’s trying to get back to what made him great, but shooting up at 50 can’t possibly compare to what guys half his age are getting from steroids” said Fox Sports baseball writer Ken Rosenthal, adding that many of the best young steroid users have been injecting HGH since middle school. “He may be one of the greatest dopers of all time, but he’s been away too long and knows nothing about the steroids of today.” Clemens vowed to prove the doubters wrong, insisting that he could still take performance enhancing drugs at a high-level.
Loose First-Grader Brings Home Different Friend Every Time #~# RENTON, WA—Neighborhood witnesses confirmed Sunday that the McAuliffe’s easy 7-year-old son Dylan always has a steady stream of friends going in and out of the family’s house. “It seems like every weekend that little slut has another friend over: Anton, Darryl, Steph, Sam, Noah—I guess everyone’s getting a turn,” said neighbor Jennifer Cloye, 43, who claimed the first-grader must be working his way through all of Westbrook Elementary, considering how many of his classmates pass through the “friendship brothel.” “Just the other weekend that whore brought home three friends at once for a sleepover. Can you imagine?” Sources also reported that the McAuliffe’s older daughter Kim, 17, was a cold, closed-legged prude.
Scientists Working On Immortality Better Hurry Up Because Ian McKellen Is 73 #~# WASHINGTON—Scientists in search of a cure for human mortality better pick up the pace, sources confirmed this week, because celebrated British actor Sir Ian McKellen is not exactly getting any younger. McKellen, a beloved star of stage and screen, is reportedly a mortal 73-year-old human being and, as such, will be lost to the world within decades unless immortality researchers start showing a little more hustle. Indeed, sources added, if scientists don’t get to work tout de suite on some kind of everlasting-life serum, movie scripts calling for aged and wizened mentor figures will soon face a noticeably weaker casting field. According to reports, any neuroscientist or molecular geneticist working on the project and lacking motivation is encouraged to watch a critically lauded performance from McKellen’s extensive filmography or, if possible, see him on the stage as King Lear or Richard III. At press time, researchers claimed they were nearing a breakthrough, but before proceeding further hoped to wait until actor and director Woody Allen, 76, had passed away.
Man With 'Popcorn Lung' Awarded $7 Million #~# A jury awarded $7.2 million in damages to a man diagnosed with “Popcorn Lung,” a respiratory disease he may have developed from inhaling a chemical in artificial butter flavoring during a decade in which he ate two bags of microwave popcorn a day. What do you think?
48 Syrian Civilians Massacred During Claire Danes' Emmy Award Acceptance Speech #~# LOS ANGELES—According to sources in the war-torn country, 48 unarmed Syrians in the small town of Daraya were murdered by government forces while Homeland star Claire Danes accepted the award for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series at the 64th annual Primetime Emmy Awards Sunday evening. “This is just an incredible evening, and an incredible honor,” said Danes, proudly holding up her Emmy just as a group of innocent men, women, and children were reportedly thrown against a wall and executed one by one by Syrian troops wielding high-powered assault rifles. “I wouldn’t be up here right now if it wasn’t for the support of my wonderful family—I love you all more than anything—as well as the absolutely amazing writers, cast, and crew of this show. And, of course, Howard Gordon and Alex Gansa, who have the unbelievable courage to put such a fearless and daring show on television. Thank you so much.” At press time, government soldiers were throwing the bloodied corpses of the civilians into a large mass grave as Lena Dunham was anxiously waiting to hear if Girls would win the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series.
It Literally Impossible To State How Unimportant Next 3 Hours Are #~# LOS ANGELES—Sources are now confirming that no words in the human language can possibly describe how truly unimportant the next three hours at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles actually are.
Congress Concerned About Weirdo Senator’s Increasingly Violent Legislation #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming he has always been “a bit of a loner,” members of Congress expressed their deep concern Friday about Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-OR), whose legislation has reportedly become increasingly violent and disturbing in recent months. “His bills have had some pretty dark stuff in them lately, and he’s been using a lot of very brutal language and imagery,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), adding that Merkley often hangs around the Capitol Building by himself listening to his headphones and rarely ever talks during meetings of the Senate Subcommittee on Financial Institutions and Consumer Protection. “In the Rebuilding Equity Act he handed in the other week, there were several subsections in which people were getting stabbed or shot, and when I asked him to insert an amendment on mortgage loan ratios, he just added a long paragraph about watching blood pour out of somebody’s head. I’m starting to really worry about him.” Despite Merkley’s inclusion of an explicit cry for help in a bill on farm subsidies last week, sources confirmed a hold had been placed on the legislation to prevent it from ever reaching the Senate floor.
Area Mom Was Waiting In The Car For 20 Minutes #~# Great, Now She’ll Be Late
That Chair Over There #~# No one’s using it at the moment. Go ahead, take a seat. You can always get up if someone comes back.
Romeo Crennel Puts French Fries Tag On Matt Cassel #~# KANSAS CITY—Chiefs head coach Romeo Crennel told reporters this weekend that he will apply the team’s French fries tag to Matt Cassel, preventing the eighth-year player from becoming an unsalted free agent at the end of this seasoning. “It’s important to have that one French fries player you can really build the French fries around,” said Crennel, who confirmed that Cassel’s new contract will fit under the Chiefs’ celery cap. “White Cassel is an exceptionally talented quarterpounderback, so it’s nice to know he’ll stay here while we continue to negotiate a long-term meal.” Crennel said he would consider taking the French fries tag off Cassel if the Cleveland Browns were willing to trade both linebacker Scott Fajita and a high-draft pickle.
Patriots vs. Ravens #~# The Ravens take on the Patriots, but unfortunately only one team can lose. Onion Sports looks at what each team must do to win.
Dad Suggests Arriving At Airport 14 Hours Early #~# CARLISLE, MA—Planning for his family’s Saturday evening flight to Florida, local dad Walter Holbrook suggested arriving at the airport at least 14 hours early, sources confirmed. "The plane leaves at 6:45 at night, and it takes a little while to park the car and get through security, so we should plan to get there no later than 4:45 a.m.," said Holbrook, adding that it would probably be smart to add an extra "eight to nine hours" to the car commute in case of traffic. "That should give us more than enough time to print our boarding passes, check in luggage, and get settled at the gate. Then we’ll have 10 hours to get food if anyone’s hungry.” At press time, Holbrook had reportedly revised the arrival time to 3:45 a.m. "just to be safe."
Fearless Man Bravely Ventures Out Into U.S. Economy #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Steeling himself against brutal market conditions and an unforgiving fiscal climate, fearless local man Calvin Ordway boldly set out into the U.S. economy this week, sources close to the 32-year-old confirmed.
Drunk Women Find Their Run Across Busy Street Hilarious #~# HOUSTON—An intoxicated cross-intersection run was found uproariously funny Saturday night when the drunken staff of the Clips ’N’ Curls hair salon engaged in a disorganized and evidently humorous trek past the intersection of Main Street and Texas Avenue. “Oh my God, we’re gonna get killed,” cackled an overjoyed Bev Foster, 26, between wheezing gasps of laughter. “This is the funniest thing ever. No one’s going to believe this even happened.” After gleefully advising party members who had yet to cross that they risked being left behind, Foster then joined in three uninterrupted minutes of hysterical, teary-eyed laughter resulting from assistant manager Karen Willis’ shoe coming off.
Jubilant 7-Year-Old Fan Of Arizona Cardinals Doesn’t Even See It Coming #~# TEMPE, AZ—Excited by Arizona’s surprising 2-0 record and expressing confidence that the Cardinals will have “the best season ever,” 7-year-old Jonathan Burley appeared completely oblivious Saturday to the inevitable agony and disappointment he will soon face as a fan of the team. “We’re going to win the Super Bowl this year!” said Burley, apparently unaware that the Cardinals will, at best, have a 3-6 record heading into their bye week after losing several close games through last-minute turnovers, avoidable penalties, and botched clock management. “Kevin Kolb is the best quarterback, and Larry Fitzgerald runs so fast. They’re going to score a million touchdowns tomorrow!” At press time, Burley was trying on his new Beanie Wells jersey, failing to realize that the running back will tear an ACL during Sunday’s game against the Eagles and finish the season on injured reserve.
Amish Group Guilty Of Hate Crime #~# Sixteen members of a breakaway Amish group in Ohio face 10 years or more in prison after a religious dispute led them to enter the homes of fellow community members and forcibly cut their beards and hair. What do you think?
Bobby Valentine: 'The Red Sox Suck Shit This Year And I Hate All My Players' #~# BOSTON—Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine announced at a press conference Thursday that the “Red Sox suck total shit this year” and confirmed his hatred of “every fucking player on the weak-ass team.” “Ugh, the Red Sox are such a shitty-ass team and the franchise sucks dick,” said Valentine, adding that Boston is an “incredibly shitty place to live.” “We’ve got a bunch of puss-bags out there. The fans are fucking assholes, and Fenway is a disgusting ballpark that I hope gets torn down.” At press time, Bobby Valentine said he “sucks shit, too.”
'Worrisome' Levels Of Arsenic In Rice #~# After testing more than 200 common rice products and finding “significant” and “worrisome” levels of inorganic arsenic, a toxin and known carcinogen, in nearly every item, Consumer Reports has urged Americans to curb their rice consumption. What do you think?
Sports Fan Swings By ESPN Headquarters To Check Latest Scores #~# BRISTOL, CT—Curious to know the results of the previous day’s action across the world of sports, 42-year-old electrician Gary Bimel reportedly made the 939-mile journey from his home in Kenosha, WI to ESPN headquarters in Bristol, CT on Thursday in order to check the latest scores.
New, Lighter iPhone Hailed By Exhausted, Humpbacked iPhone 4 Users #~# LOS ANGELES—The nation’s hunchbacked, out-of-breath iPhone users lined up outside Apple stores throughout the country today to purchase the new iPhone 5, which boasts a widely anticipated slimmed down, lighter design that promises to no longer irreversibly misshape the curvature of users’ spines. “I’m really excited for the iPhone 5’s 4G connectivity and the fact that it won’t dislocate my shoulder whenever I pick it up to answer it,” said severely disfigured graphic artist Gabe Brittell, 32, huffing and puffing under the weight of the hefty previous version of the device that he had strapped to his back via strong, braided nylon cords. “Finally a thinner model that won’t shatter my hip and take 20 years off my life by permanently deforming my torso and vertebrae!” Executives said they anticipated sales of the iPhone 5 to be down compared to previous years, citing the roughly 2 million Apple fans who have been crushed to death under the iPhone 4S.
Nick Jr. Suspends Production On 'The Almighty Muhammad's Porkalicious Toon Jihad' #~# LOS ANGELES—Responding to the ongoing protests from millions of Muslims over the depictions of the Prophet Muhammad, American television channel Nick Jr. announced today it was suspending production on its forthcoming children’s program The Almighty Muhammad’s Porkalicious Toon Jihad.
Panthers vs. Giants #~# The Panthers host the Giants in another one of these goddamn Thursday night games. Onion Sports looks at what each team needs to do to win.
Anniversary Of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Repeal #~# A year after the end of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” a new study shows that allowing homosexuals to serve openly in the armed forces “has had no overall negative impact on military readiness,” troop cohesion, or morale, as many detractors had predicted. What do you think?
Joe Flacco Silences Supporters Once And For All With Terrible Fourth-Quarter Performance #~# BALTIMORE—Following an anemic late-game performance against the Eagles last weekend, Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco confidently told reporters Thursday that he has now conclusively silenced all of his supporters. “I heard plenty of fans and journalists going off about how great I was after our win against the Bengals, but I don’t hear anyone talking now,” said Flacco, adding that his 2-for-7, 21-yard outing on the last drive of the game with his team down by one point should “shut up all those loudmouths once and for all.” “Maybe now they’ll think twice before saying I’m an elite quarterback who can lead my team to a Super Bowl. I’m sick and tired of hearing that nonsense, and now I can finally just put it all behind me.” In response to Flacco’s comments, Ravens head coach John Harbaugh also came out in strong support of the fifth-year quarterback’s complete lack of ability.
Egyptian Woman Wishes Screaming Protester Husband Would Go Bonkers For Her Once In A While #~# CAIRO—Sighing dejectedly Thursday morning as she watched her screaming husband depart for yet another massive anti-American protest in Tahrir Square, local woman Samira Khalil told reporters that she wished the hysterical man would go completely and utterly berserk for her once in a while. “Considering he spends all day unleashing a violent messianic fervor against our enemies, you’d think he could bring some of that same hysterical passion back to the bedroom sometimes,” said Khalil, adding that every time they’re about to get get hot and heavy in the sack, her husband’s mind wanders off to thoughts of jihad and fatwa. “As soon as he hears about a depiction of Muhammad, or some other brazenly evil work of the infidel, there’s this smoldering gleam in his eyes. But he never looks at me like that anymore.” Khalil added that when her husband returned home that night, she would try desecrating a Quran right in front of him to “get him all hot and bothered.”
Partygoer Rolls A Couple Of Fat Burritos To Pass Around #~# EUGENE, OR—According to anonymous sources, guests at the University of Oregon’s Sigma Nu fraternity house Friday rejoiced when fellow party attendee Jeff Lyons unzipped a bag of shredded lettuce, expertly licked the edges of two tortillas, and rolled a couple of fat burritos to pass around. “Yo, sprinkle some cheese on that fatty and pass it this way,” Lyons said before opening his mouth sharply and taking a long pull of pork. “Whoa, I got way too much that time. This one’s totally cashed. Looks like we’ll have to pack another bowl of meat and cheese.” Lyons reportedly told partygoers that if a neighbor smells refried beans and calls the police, they should quickly stomp out the burrito and kick it under the couch.
There Will Be Smells #~# Come stick your nose up in the air! Beautiful Charlotte, NC is an olfactory delight—flowers,barbecue, motorsports, and for just the right aficionado, maybe an old cigar or two!
'What About That Whole Birth Certificate Thing?' Romney Suggests To Staff #~# DALLAS—With his campaign still reeling from a series of miscues, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney asked a group of top advisers Wednesday whether it would be worth going after Obama by questioning the nation of his birth. “What about that whole deal with his birth certificate, or him being born in Kenya or wherever—you think that might stick?” said Romney, adding he was “just spitballing here.” “Also, wasn’t he connected to that terrorist guy, what’s-his-name? Ayers? Bill Ayers? That might have legs, right? Let’s look into that.” After agreeing that the situations should be investigated, Romney and his aides then reportedly sat in silence for 10 whole minutes.
Obesity To Skyrocket By 2030 #~# According to projections from health advocacy organizations, more than half the adult population in 39 states will be clinically obese by 2030, with Mississippi predicted to lead the nation with an obesity rate of 67 percent. What do you think?
Prince Harry Humiliates Royal Family Yet Again As Base Invaded By Afghan Insurgents #~# LONDON—Prince Harry of Wales caused yet another headache for the royal family this week as reports surfaced that the military base in Afghanistan where the wayward young royal was stationed had been invaded by Taliban insurgents. “Oh, dear, dear Harry—when will he finally grow up?” said a member of the royal family, who declined to be named. “Frankly, we thought he had left this wild phase of his life behind him, but it is obvious that he still has a lot of maturing to do.” At press time, sources confirmed that two U.S. Marines had been killed in the embarrassing fiasco.
Fast Food Chains Aim For Healthier Image #~# The nation’s 14,000 McDonald’s locations began displaying calorie counts next to menu items Monday, with the company confirming it may soon add healthier options such as egg-white McMuffins and seasonal produce. Here’s how other fast food chains are trying to be more health-conscious:
French Magazine Runs Muhammad Cartoons #~# The Paris-based satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo published cartoons today that depict the Prophet Muhammad naked, drawing criticism from the French government, which has shut down embassies and schools in 20 countries as a precautionary measure. What do you think?
Everyone At Airport Delighted By Chubby Family Rapidly Waddling Toward Gate #~# NEWARK, NJ—The stress and tedium of air travel were reportedly relieved Wednesday when passengers in Newark Liberty Airport’s Terminal C were treated to the wheezing, waddling antics of an overweight family hurriedly straining to catch a flight to Orlando. “Well, that was an utter delight,” said witness Monica Adler, adding that it was “wonderfully satisfying” to see a frazzled and obese mother try to hang on to her Auntie Anne’s pretzel while running to her gate. “Watching them huffing and puffing, yelling at the children to speed up but then falling behind themselves, all while weighed down by their carry-on baggage… The only thing that could have made it more enjoyable would have been ‘Baby Elephant Walk’ playing over the loudspeakers.” At press time, onlookers were bursting into delighted cheers as the family had to suddenly turn around and run the other way following a gate change announcement.
Posthumously Recorded Bob Dylan Album Receives Rave Reviews #~# LOS ANGELES—Singer-songwriter Bob Dylan’s posthumously recorded 35th studio album Tempest, released Sept. 10, has been enjoying widespread acclaim from top music critics across the country, with many praising the late Dylan’s largely undiminished songwriting skills. “While he may never again match the series of masterworks he recorded in the ’60s and ’70s, when he was alive, Dylan has entered a true late-career renaissance since passing away,” Chicago Tribune music critic Greg Kot wrote in his review of the fourth album Dylan has recorded since his death in 2005. “Dying has lent his voice a certain rough yet poignant gravitas. One can clearly hear how the dead tissue in his vocal cords has deteriorated to the point where there’s almost nothing left. Nothing, that is, except the genius of a master songwriter still in full command of his powers, even seven years after expiring.” While critics have almost unanimously found Dylan himself to be in fine form on the new album, a number of reviews have criticized the playing of his backing band as lifeless.
Andrew Luck Gets First Whatever It’s Called When You Beat The Minnesota Vikings #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Rookie quarterback Andrew Luck helped the Colts outscore their opponents 23-20 on Sunday to earn his first whatever that thing is called when you beat the Minnesota Vikings. “It’s great that Andrew has his first one of those things you get for defeating the Vikings under his belt,” said Colts head coach Chuck Pagano, who called Luck’s achievement a “victory-esque result.” “I mean, he’s still waiting for his first win, but he’s young. Just got to take it one step at a time. The important thing is that he went into the game and tried to get that, whatever it is.” According to Pagano, Luck’s performance was even more impressive the previous week, when the quarterback managed to lose by only 20 points while playing for the Indianapolis Colts.
Romney Aide: Campaign Light On Details #~# Ed Gillespie, a top adviser to Mitt Romney, admitted the campaign had thus far failed to provide enough details about policy proposals and said a concerted effort would be made to better communicate the Republican candidate’s specific ideas and stances. What do you think?
Now That My Campaign Is Over, I'd Like To Talk To You All About The Church Of Latter-Day Saints #~# My fellow Americans, can I have a moment of your time?
Report: It's Not Okay To Just Start Talking To People You Don’t Know #~# STANFORD, CA—Citing how devastatingly uncomfortable it makes people feel, a new report released by the Stanford University Sociology Department revealed Wednesday that it’s never okay to just start talking to someone you don’t know.
Harry Kalas Narrates Steve Sabol's Ascension To Heaven #~# HEAVEN—Legendary sports broadcaster Harry Kalas narrated NFL Films co-founder Steve Sabol’s ascension to heaven Tuesday, providing a stirring play-by-play of the 69-year-old soul’s dramatic entry into the Kingdom of God. “It’s a blustery day for a journey to heaven but Steve Sabol comes out soaring, hits a shaft of light, and rockets upward,” Kalas said. “It could be—it is! He’s going all the way to the Pearly Gates. He’s flying across the sky now and quickly eludes St. Peter with a stiff arm. And he’s done it. Steve Sabol has risen to the occasion and ascended into heaven.” Kalas, who described Sabol’s performance as flawless, confirmed that 750,000 angels were on their feet and cheering.
Romney Campaign Sends In Champion Of The Poor Paul Ryan For Damage Control #~# BOSTON—Following the widespread controversy over Mitt Romney’s recently leaked comments criticizing Americans who depend on the government, Republican vice presidential candidate and widely beloved champion of the poor Paul Ryan was quickly called in Tuesday to bolster the Romney campaign.
The Amtower Family #~# The Amtower family's copy of Monopoly still has all its pieces.
MythBusters #~# Discovery
Teen Sexting Linked To Having Sex #~# A study in the journal Pediatrics found that teens who sent sexually explicit texts or photos were seven times more likely to be sexually active, indicating they don’t simply use sexting as an alterative to real sex, as earlier reports have suggested. What do you think?
Romney Apologizes To Nation's 150 Million 'Starving, Filthy Beggars' #~# SALT LAKE CITY—Seeking to limit the fallout from a videotaped speech in which he asserts 47 percent of Americans “pay no taxes” and do not take “personal responsibility and care for their lives,” Mitt Romney hastily called a press conference today to apologize personally to the “150 million starving, filthy beggars [he] might have offended.”
'Okay, Gene, Let's Just Get Through This,' Marketing Executive Beginning Day Tells Self #~# NEW YORK—Suppressing all memories of his childhood dreams, DDB Worldwide marketing executive Gene Strassman reportedly spoke aloud instructions to himself to confront the day and begin his normal work routine Tuesday morning. “Here we go, just four hours until lunchtime,” Strassman murmured while booting up his office computer. “You can do this…you can plan and facilitate a rebrand meeting with the Applebee’s team.” After 30 minutes of stoically responding to interoffice e-mails, Strassman dutifully boarded the elevator to the 26th-floor conference room, momentarily hoping the doors would open on an empty shaft.
Ask An Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child #~# Dear Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child,
Netanyahu: Iran 6 Months From Bomb #~# On Meet the Press Sunday, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu said Iran would have nuclear weapons capability in six to seven months and urged Americans to elect a president who would draw a “red line” against Iranian nuclear ambitions. What do you think?
Henry Freiberg #~# Henry Freiberg, 33, waited until the waiter cleared the plates before he resumed texting.
Skipping Out On Friend's Birthday Party At Last Minute Closest Woman Will Ever Come To Feeling Rush Of Heroin #~# CINCINNATI—Still reeling from the visceral thrill of canceling a party appearance 34 minutes before its scheduled start time, Pam Watford confirmed Saturday the breach of decorum constituted the closest she will ever come to feeling the instant, euphoric rush of injecting pure heroin into her veins. “Holy shit, that was intense,” said the 28-year-old receptionist, collapsing on her couch as adrenaline and endorphins coursed through her system from the sudden release from responsibility. “I wish I had another party to duck right now. I just want this feeling to last forever.” Health experts have warned that thrill-seeking behavior like Watford’s can lead to calling in sick to work and, in extreme cases, dropping out of wedding parties.
Panda Born At National Zoo #~# After five disappointing false pregnancies, Mei Xiang, the female panda at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C., gave birth to a four-ounce cub last night, stunning zoo officials. What do you think?
Fun-Loving Turtle All Business When It's Feeding Time #~# GATLINBURG, TN—Though playful and fun-loving through the vast majority of his day, local pet turtle Beeper instantly ceases all frivolity and grows intensely focused when it comes time for his daily feeding, owner Martin DeCarlo reported Monday. “He’ll float around in his little pool for hours, just having the time of his life," the 52-year-old DeCarlo said. “But when I drop in his four pellets of turtle food, he cuts the bullshit and gets right on task. He homes in on the food like a fucking laser, as if the whole universe had been reduced to nothing but him and those pellets. Then, when he’s all done, just as suddenly as he stopped, he goes right back to Beeper fun time.” DeCarlo added that once, when feeding time was delayed by several hours, Beeper greeted him with a glare of “seething contempt.”
Stephen A. Smith Thinking Son Is Finally Ready For The Sex Argument #~# BRISTOL, CT—Sensing the 9-year-old is now old enough to engage in a heated debate on the subject, Stephen A. Smith reportedly decided Monday that his son is finally ready for the sex argument. “It’s a big milestone in every father-son relationship to sit your child down and dispute his pathetic ideas about the birds and bees,” said Smith, fondly remembering his own father belligerently talking over him when he got the sex argument as a boy. “He’s at that age where he’s starting to hear some things about sex at school, so it’s important for me as a parent to corner him on his logical inconsistencies and force him to admit he doesn’t have the experience to know what the hell he’s talking about.” Smith said he is ready to have the argument as soon as his son gets home from school and can get in front of a camera.
Newborn Loses Faith In Humanity After Record 6 Days #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—In a turn of events that has stunned the worldwide medical community, local infant Nathan Jameson, born just six days ago, has become the youngest person ever to permanently and irrevocably lose all faith in humanity.
Munchstrosity Created In Frito-Layboratory #~# TRANSFATSYLVANIA—Conducting an immoral and reprehensible snacksperiment, Doritologists working in the Frito-Layboratory reportedly unleashed an evil of cheddarclysmic proportions Monday when they brought an appalling munchstrosity to life. “What have we wrought?” said Dr. Hans Wolfram, one of the world’s top cheesearchers and supervisor of the chipnetic engineers who created the grotesque 8-foot-tall gut-bombination from puffs, curls, Ruffles, pretzels, and doodles. “This salty, crispy freak of unnatural flavor must be destroyed before a crunchtastrophe occurs.” At press time, panicked Frito-Layboratory snacksistants were attempting to chain the horrendous munchstrosity to the walls of the Funyungeon.
USA Today Redesigned #~# Redesigned for the first time in its 30 years in print, USA Today, the nation’s second-largest newspaper by circulation, now features more color, photos, and infographics, as well as a “Your Say” section with comments from Twitter and Facebook. What do you think?
Ray Rice #~# Tragic Childhoods per Attempt: 1
Ndamukong Suh #~# Strength: Amazing flexibility when twisting quarterback’s head off
Peyton Manning #~# Role Among His Teammates:: Uninterested-father figure
Three Players To Watch In Week 2 #~# Onion Sports highlights three top-flight players — Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice, Denver Broncos QB Peyton Manning, and Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh — to keep an eye on heading into Week 2 of the NFL season.
Redskins Fans Can't Remember How To Cheer A Quarterback #~# ST. LOUIS—During Sunday’s game against the St. Louis Rams, Washington Redskins fans across the country were reportedly having an extremely difficult time remembering how to cheer for a quarterback. “So wait, what I am supposed to yell when he’s on the field?” said longtime fan David Fenners, 47, adding that he “completely blanks” on how to conduct himself when Redskins rookie quarterback Robert Griffin III completes a pass, scrambles for a gain, or throws for a touchdown. “It’s something like ‘Go!’ or ‘Throw!’ right? Or maybe I’m just supposed to clap. I haven’t actually cheered for a quarterback since Mark Rypien, and that was like 20 years ago, so I honestly don’t remember what I’m supposed to do here.” At press time, confused Redskins fans were booing Griffin until they could think of something better to do.
Report: Calvin Johnson Probably Works Out Fairly Often #~# DETROIT—Numerous sources confirmed Friday that Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson probably works out at the gym fairly regularly, speculating, after they watched the two-time All-Pro run across the football field, that the 26-year-old must do one of those spinning classes or something. “He looks pretty fast and jumps around a lot during games, so he probably goes to the gym at least twice a week,” said Lions fan Drew Jenkins, adding that the 6-foot-5, 235-pound player likely knows how to lift weights. “His legs seem strong. He can probably ride on the exercise bikes for a really long time without getting tired. I bet he owns a bunch of different exercise videos, too. That’s the type of guy who gets a gym membership after New Year’s and actually sticks with it all year.” Eyewitnesses, who spotted Johnson leaving Ford Field in a customized Porsche Panamera after a game last season, guessed he might also have a pretty high-paying job.
Romney Just Saying He Grew Up Poor In Memphis Now #~# PUEBLO, CO—Abandoning his campaign’s previous strategies for winning over undecided voters in advance of November’s presidential election, Republican nominee Mitt Romney is just now telling people he grew up desperately poor in Memphis, sources confirmed Sunday.
St. Louis Mayor Has Sad Little Plan For Turning City Into High-Tech Hub #~# ST. LOUIS—In what appears to be a completely earnest attempt to revitalize a sluggish local economy, St. Louis mayor Francis G. Slay unveiled Thursday a detailed, ambitious, and truly depressing plan to turn his city into a major technology hub. “We’re going to show America, and the rest of world, just how innovative and cutting-edge St. Louis can be,” said the mayor, who displayed genuine optimism as he outlined a desperate strategy to woo major players in the high-tech sector with a sad little series of subsidies and tax incentives his city cannot afford. “When I look around St. Louis, I see nothing but possibility. Don’t be surprised if, within a few years, our crumbling warehouses are home to the nation’s hottest social media startups, and our abandoned rail yards are replaced with a world-class biotech research center. Get ready, because the future is happening right here!” The mayor ended his presentation by pleading with reporters to dub the hopelessly untenable project “St. Louis 2.0.”
Whole Museum Visit Spent Feeling Guilty About Moving On From Paintings #~# CHICAGO—Visitors to the Art Institute of Chicago reported Saturday that their trip to the celebrated museum was entirely dominated by the guilt they felt for not lingering long on any one painting before moving on to the next. “I know these are masterpieces, and you’re supposed to let their brilliance wash over you while you contemplate their significance, but I really couldn’t make myself stand there for more than a few seconds,” said museum-goer Vernon Bailey, admitting he spent more time reading the placards describing each painting than he did looking at the art itself. “They have all these Monets and Renoirs in there, but I made it through that entire wing in, like, five minutes. By the end I was just blowing past these iconic works—Nighthawks, American Gothic, that really famous pointillist one—and thinking, ‘Okay, done, done, done.’ What’s wrong with me?” Other museum visitors confirmed they couldn’t give a shit about paintings and didn’t mind saying so.
Fed Admits Up Until Now U.S. Has Just Been Coasting Off Money From 'Avatar' #~# 'We Spent It All' Reveals Bernanke
Mark Carson #~# Mark Carson has made it his duty to immediately inform friends and  family of any celebrity deaths, no matter what the deceased’s level of  fame.
Kate Middleton Topless Photos Published #~# The British royal family is considering legal action after the French gossip magazine Closer published paparazzi photos of Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, sunbathing topless at a private villa in Provence. What do you think?
Janoris Jenkins Claims He Got Laid During Interception Return #~# DETROIT—Bragging to teammates and coaches on the sidelines, Rams cornerback Janoris Jenkins reportedly boasted on several occasions Sunday that he got laid during a 34-yard interception return against the Detroit Lions. “Right when I picked off the ball in the end zone, I noticed her glancing at me, so I headed up the field, made a couple of moves, and we were fucking like crazy by the 15-yard line,” said Jenkins, who informed the referees the woman was “a total, cock-starved nympho.” “It was pretty hot and heavy. This chick wanted me to bone her in all these weird positions, which is probably why I didn’t get all the way to the end zone.” When pressed by doubtful teammates, Jenkins finally admitted that he had only received a quick halfhearted hand job right as he was tackled.
Chicago Public Schools Celebrate Fifth Straight Day Without Any Student Violence #~# CHICAGO—Jubilant Chicago Public Schools officials announced Friday that, for five straight days now, there has not been a single act of student violence in any of the city’s 675 public schools. “Our classrooms and hallways are safer now than they’ve ever been,” said CPS chief executive Jean-Claude Brizard, happily noting that there have been no reported instances of beatings, stabbings, sexual assaults, or shootings in any of the city’s public schools this week. “We’ve had no incidents of weapons being brought onto school property, nor has anyone had to break up a fistfight between students. We’ve all had to work together for this, but it’s paid off. Let’s keep it up!” At press time, a gunfight on Chicago’s South Side had reportedly claimed the lives of three 16-year-old boys.
Explosion Seen On Jupiter #~# Earlier this week, two amateur astronomers witnessed and captured video of what appeared to be a 100-mile-wide fireball in the atmosphere of Jupiter, a phenomenon they believe was likely the result of a major meteor or comet impact. What do you think?
Overconfident Dolphins Already Talking About Going Perfect 0-16 #~# MIAMI—Following their convincing 30-10 loss during week one of the NFL season, several members of the Miami Dolphins displayed unheralded confidence this week, openly discussing their team’s potential for finishing the year with a perfect 0-16 record.
Legal Loophole In Art Modell's Will Eliminates Cleveland Browns Forever #~# BALTIMORE—Exploiting a legal technicality that allowed him to regain full ownership of the Cleveland Browns organization in death, former team owner Art Modell specified his wish to permanently dismantle the 66-year-old franchise in his last will and testament, family sources reported Tuesday. “It is my dying wish that the Cleveland Browns football team and associated assets be liquidated and distributed amongst the benefactors listed herein,” read part of the document, in which Modell also stripped the franchise of its right to the team’s colors, which the Baltimore Ravens will adopt for their second alternate uniforms beginning next season. “Furthermore, I hereby set aside funds in the amount of $50 million for the creation of a nonprofit foundation dedicated to ensuring that no professional football team moves to or is ever established in the city of Cleveland, from now until the end of time.” At press time, sources confirmed Modell had bequeathed the Browns’ 1964 NFL championship to LeBron James and ordered the immediate demolition of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Frustrated Roger Goodell Trying To Find Live Stream Of Bears, Packers Game #~# NEW YORK—NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was reportedly growing increasingly annoyed Thursday while frantically searching the Internet for a live stream of the Bears, Packers game, expressing frustration that his cable provider didn’t carry the “bullshit NFL Network.”
Bears vs. Packers #~# The Bears go to Lambeau Field to take on the Packers in a rivalry that's as old and clichéd as the NFL itself.
No One Murdered Because Of This Image #~# WASHINGTON—Following the publication of the image above, in which the most cherished figures from multiple religious faiths were depicted engaging in a lascivious sex act of considerable depravity, no one was murdered, beaten, or had their lives threatened, sources reported Thursday. The image of the Hebrew prophet Moses high-fiving Jesus Christ as both are having their erect penises vigorously masturbated by Ganesha, all while the Hindu deity anally penetrates Buddha with his fist, reportedly went online at 6:45 p.m. EDT, after which not a single bomb threat was made against the organization responsible, nor did the person who created the cartoon go home fearing for his life in any way. Though some members of the Jewish, Christian, Hindu, and Buddhist faiths were reportedly offended by the image, sources confirmed that upon seeing it, they simply shook their heads, rolled their eyes, and continued on with their day.
Personal Trainer Making Area Man Put On Humiliating Little Show For Entire Gym #~# BOSTON—According to sources at the Boston Sports Club on Newbury Street, a personal trainer at the exercise facility is currently forcing a local man to put on an embarrassing acrobatic spectacle for the entire gym.
Older Brother Playing With Younger Brother On Swing Set Will One Day Con Him Out Of $50,000 #~# AUBURN, ME—Sources confirmed today that the smiling 3-year-old boy happily playing with his 7-year-old brother on their family’s backyard swing set will, in a few decades, be swindled out of $50,000 by the sibling currently giving him a big push. “You wanna go higher, Tom-Tom? Higher?” said the older brother, using his affectionate nickname for the same individual he will one day dupe into sinking a substantial sum of money into a bogus portfolio of Florida real estate futures that is in fact nothing more than a garden-variety Ponzi scheme. “Whee!” At press time, the older boy, who by middle age will become so mired in debt and desperate to escape his disreputable creditors that he will beg, borrow, and steal from everyone he knows just to keep his head above water, was pouring his younger brother a glass of apple juice.
New Monkey Discovered #~# Previously undocumented by science but known to locals as the lesula, a shy species of monkey with a hairless face and blond mane was discovered by zoologists in the remote lowland rainforests of the Democratic Republic of Congo. What do you think?
Romney: 'We Should Never Apologize For American Values Or Japanese Internment Camps' #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Criticizing the Obama administration’s response to the current crisis in Libya and Egypt, Mitt Romney told reporters Wednesday that we should never, under any circumstance, apologize for the values that make this country great, such as our belief in the right to practice religion without persecution, our commitment to the freedom of assembly, or the overwhelming xenophobia that led to the relocation and internment of more than 110,000 Japanese-Americans during World War II. “As Americans, we should never feel the need to question who we are or what we stand for, whether it’s our strong commitment to family or whether we’re rounding up a group of innocent people, separating them from their friends and loved ones, and putting them into what are essentially overcrowded prisons because they happen to be of Japanese descent,” Romney told the assembled press corps, adding that free speech and concentration camps are American ideals that should be cherished, not second-guessed. “So if you ask me, should we ever apologize for freedom, justice, honor, or how we perverted those beliefs to justify one of the most horrifying acts of prejudice in American history, the answer is no.” When asked by reporters what American values are exactly, or what the phrase American values even means, Romney stared at the press, blinked several times, and walked off stage.
Report: Majority Of Americans Stopped Paying Attention Several Words Ago #~# WASHINGTON—According to reports, the vast majority of Americans have attention spans so low they stopped reading this very article several words ago. “This news in brief—yes, this very one you’re looking at right now—is only five measly sentences long, but people can’t even handle that,” said, ah, why even attribute the quote to a source, since everyone by this point is just half-scanning the page in disinterested incomprehension, if even that. “Now that we’re into the third sentence, nobody’s made it this far, I’m sure. You could put whatever you want in this space—you might as well just type out a stream of unrelated words like walrus, cauliflower, robot, bucket—and no one will notice.” As of press time, a nuclear bomb just went off in your hometown and everyone you love is dying, just seeing if you were still reading, didn’t think so, okay, see ya.
Katie Couric Talk Show Dominates Ratings #~# Katie Couric’s new talk show, Katie, earned far higher ratings this week than the debuts of competing programs hosted by Ricki Lake, Jeff Probst, and Steve Harvey, becoming the most watched daytime premiere since Dr. Phil first aired 10 years ago. What do you think?
Emergency Room Law Firm #~# ABC
New Roomba Blender Makes Smoothie Out Of Everything In Its Path #~# BEDFORD, MA—In an exciting extension of their product line, the creators of the Roomba-brand self-directed vacuum cleaner have introduced the Yumba, a new household blender capable of mixing a rich, frothy smoothie out of whatever ingredients it sucks up from your floor. “With the Yumba, you can make a banana, floor sweepings, and wheat germ shake; a strawberry-mango-cigarette-butt frappé; or, for a light lunch, a zesty toenail-clipping-cat-hair-dead-skin-and-pineapple smoothie,” product developer Peter Olsen said Monday, demonstrating the new device on a carpet covered in sawdust, garden vegetables, and detritus. “Mmm, you can taste the cobwebs.” When asked if the Yumba could make smoothies out of pennies and melon, Haskins said that it could.
Anti-Islam Movie Incites Violence #~# The 14-minute trailer for an obscure low-budget movie that mocks the life of Muslim prophet Muhammad and was produced by an Israeli-American real estate developer last year has been blamed for yesterday’s protest at the U.S. embassy in Egypt, as well as the attack on the U.S. consulate in Libya that killed four American diplomats. What do you think?
iPhone 5 Features #~#  Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the widely anticipated latest generation of the iPhone at a press event Wednesday. Here are some of the new device’s features:
Magazine Article About Mindy Kaling Fails To Mention She’s A Woman #~# NEW YORK—According to sources, a piece appearing in this month’s issue of Vanity Fair magazine about actress, comedian, and author Mindy Kaling does not once mention that she is a woman. Along with never remarking upon Kaling’s gender, the 850-word article fails to bring up Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Chelsea Handler, Whitney Cummings, Lena Dunham, Adam Carolla, or the 2011 film Bridesmaids, and at no point makes use of the phrase “women in comedy” or “funniest ladies on TV.” Sources said the piece also neglects to observe that Kaling’s profession is predominantly made up of white males, and fails to further note that Kaling is not only a woman, but a woman of Indian descent. At press time, Mindy Kaling is a woman in comedy.
Mitt Romney Reaches Out To Young Voters With Laser Tag Pizza Party #~# MANCHESTER, NH—Seeking new ways to appeal to the 18-to-29-year-old electorate, Mitt Romney hosted the first of several planned “Rockin’ Romney Friday Nite GOPizza Parties” at a local amusement center, featuring laser tag, rock and roll music, and free pepperoni pizza for every eligible voter. “Hey, gang, come grab a slice of pizza and play all the games you want!” the 65-year-old candidate shouted while handing out video game tokens and Romney 2012 lick-and-stick tattoos. “Get yourself a root beer, too. And have fun! But no horseplay, okay?” Attendee Bradley Stafford, 27, stated that while he personally had no objection to the offering of laser tag, he would have preferred a discussion of policies that might help his family keep its home out of foreclosure, as well as some diet soda options.
Your Honor, This Is Going To Sound Silly, But How Am I Doing So Far? #~# Your honor, at this time I’d like to make a humble request of the court. This is, I grant, rather unusual. Some may even find it silly. But this trial has gone on for two and a half weeks now; we’ve consumed public resources and the time of these generous and patient jurors. I’m not protesting this process—it is, after all, part of a noble system through which we apply the rule of law to arrive at wise and fair judgments. Still, I need to know something. Your honor, please tell me, to the best of your knowledge and judicial experience, how am I doing so far?
Apple Announces New iPhone With N-Word On Back Knowing Customers Will Buy It Anyway #~# SAN FRANCISCO—With CEO Tim Cook stating that desperate customers would surely “line up like idiots” to purchase the offensive product anyway, Apple announced today the release of the company’s new iPhone 5, which features the word “nigger” boldly embossed on its back. “Sure, the new iPhone has the word ‘nigger’ printed right on it, but we all know you pathetic losers will still buy it in droves, because, hell, you’ll buy anything we put out,” Cook said in a press conference, describing the lightweight smartphone that will include a larger high-resolution display and have the racial slur printed in 36-point Helvetica font directly on its back, as well as on every accessory sold for the product. “Our technology ensures the word will brightly light up through whatever cover or sticker you may use in an attempt to obscure it, so don’t even try. You are all very stupid and sheeplike, and I will enjoy watching this play out.” Cook followed the iPhone 5 announcement with a brief preview of the company’s updated iPad, which will feature a loud, unchangeable ringtone of Roseanne Barr repeatedly yelling “faggot.”
Mayor Of Trenton Arrested #~# Trenton, NJ mayor Tony Mack was arrested on corruption charges Monday following an FBI sting operation in which he allegedly accepted $119,000 in kickbacks for selling city land to parking garage developers for below its assessed value. What do you think?
Paul Ryan Knocked Over By Pack Of Rambunctious Romney Boys #~# BELMONT, MA—Visiting the home of running mate Mitt Romney today, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) was reportedly knocked to the floor by a pack of rambunctious, wet-nosed Romney boys, all five of whom jumped onto the vice presidential candidate as soon as he entered the door and sniffed him from head to toe.
NBC Honors 9/11 Anniversary By Releasing New Matthew Perry Sitcom #~# NEW YORK—Saying they wanted to do something special to commemorate the 11th anniversary of the tragedy, NBC officials confirmed the network would pay tribute to the victims of 9/11 and their families by premiering a new Matthew Perry sitcom Tuesday. “On this solemn occasion, when words can do little to heal still-fresh wounds, we here at NBC offer the only words that might actually help: Matthew Perry is back,” NBCUniversal CEO Steve Burke said of the network’s new sitcom Go On. “With his hilariously off-kilter timing and character work, Perry will provide succor to those still grieving from that fateful day. Because if Matthew Perry can’t, who possibly can?” At press time, the show was reported to be the most moving tribute of its kind since Universal Studios released The Scorpion King on April 19, 2002, to commemorate those lost in the Oklahoma City Bombing.
China's Next Leader Vanishes #~# The Chinese government has failed to explain why Xi Jinping, widely presumed to be named the country’s new president in a few weeks, has not been seen in public for the past 10 days, leading to widespread speculation over his whereabouts and health. What do you think?
20th Century Fox Green-Lights 'United 93 vs. Predator' #~# LOS ANGELES—Seeking to expand on two of their most beloved properties, 20th Century Fox executives have approved production on United 93 vs. Predator, a crossover film speculating what might have happened the morning of Sept. 11, 2001, if a team of self-cloaking alien hunters had also been aboard the doomed flight that crashed in Shanksville, PA. “This film will ramp up the action and tension in the original United 93 by a factor of five,” Fox vice president Adam Bronford promised Tuesday, adding that the film’s tagline will be “We Don’t Negotiate with Predators.” “In addition to terrorist hijackers, the passengers will face traveling carnivorous space chameleons who blend into their surroundings and pick off passengers one by one for their alien blood sport. We won’t give out any spoilers, but it’s fair to say a planeload of brave, freedom-loving Americans will prove to be more than those Predators bargained for.” If the film is a success, New Line Cinema will reportedly green-light the script for Freddy vs. Jason vs. New Year’s Eve on the Achille Lauro.
9/11 Truther Convinced Government Destroyed Past 11 Years Of His Life #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Citing “overwhelming evidence,” 9/11 Truth movement adherent Dennis E. Shaw, 53, told reporters Tuesday that he believes the U.S. government has orchestrated a secret, intricate plot to systematically destroy his entire life over the past 11 years.
18-Year-Old Fighting In Afghanistan Has 9/11 Explained To Him By Older Soldier #~# KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN—After asking why the United States was in Afghanistan in the first place, 18-year-old U.S. Army Pvt. Josh McCombs received a frank description of the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, from Master Sgt. Todd Brinkman, 33, between raids on Taliban insurgents Tuesday. “Turns out, the little shaver was only 7 back then, and his folks didn't want him to see the horrible pictures on TV,” the commanding officer later told reporters. “Then Pvt. McCombs asked: ‘If 9/11 happened more than 10 years ago, why are we here now?’ And that’s when I told him to stop asking questions and just follow orders.” McCombs was last seen explaining 9/11 to his fellow young infantrymen, who all reportedly asked the same follow-up question McCombs did.
Sea Otters Fight Climate Change #~# Researchers at the University of California, Santa Cruz, found that kelp forests were able to absorb 12 times more carbon dioxide in the presence of sea otters, a result of the aquatic mammals preying on kelp-eating sea urchins. What do you think?
FBI Receives Credible Information About Terrorist Attack On Sept. 11, 2001 #~# WASHINGTON—Speaking at an impromptu press conference early this morning, FBI officials revealed the discovery of new information regarding a possible terrorist attack within the United States on Sept. 11, 2001.
What If They Had A Beard? #~# History
Blissful Ignorance Commemorated On Annual 9/10 Anniversary #~# NEW YORK—In cities and communities throughout the nation today, Americans gathered by the thousands to commemorate the blissful ignorance of Sept. 10, 2001. “Every year at this time, we pause to remember that momentous late summer day when our nation was united in delightful complacency, utterly oblivious to anything that was happening outside our own borders,” New York mayor Michael Bloomberg said at a 9/10 memorial event, adding that 11 years ago today, Americans were happily unaware of where Afghanistan was on a map or what al-Qaeda was, but happy nonetheless. “None of us should ever forget the events of 9/10—the Broncos Monday night victory over the Giants, the Dow Jones Industrial Average gaining 2.15 points in moderate trading—which profoundly touched us all by keeping us joyously unmindful of the wider world and the growing anti-American sentiment that was about to be unleashed. We must never forget.” As per tradition, the nation’s 9/10 ceremonies concluded with the tolling of bells, candle-lightings, and the annual name-reading of those Americans who naively went to bed that night thinking everything would always be okay.
Target Pulls All Sponsorship From Publicly Ignored Syrian Conflict #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Retail giant Target announced Monday that, due to a complete lack of public interest or attention in the conflict, the company is ending its sponsorship of the ongoing civil war in Syria. “Unfortunately there just haven’t been enough eyeballs on this brutal crisis in Syria, so we’re officially pulling the plug on our endorsement,” said CEO Gregg Steinhafel, adding that the two-year, $70 million sponsorship deal, which placed Target logos and advertisements on rebel tanks, Bashar al-Assad’s presidential palace, and rubble from bombings in Damascus and Aleppo, would cease immediately. “We thought the global exposure of the mass murders of more than 20,000 innocent civilians and protesters by the Syrian government would be the perfect opportunity to advertise our great deals on Bella kitchen appliances and our stunning new line of Target-exclusive Merona shirts for men and women. But no one really seems to be paying much attention to the civil war at all, so we can no longer justify the investment.” Steinhafel confirmed that, despite the end of the sponsorship deal, the winner of Target’s “Win a Dinner Date with al-Assad” raffle would still receive the prize.
Chicago Teachers Go On Strike #~# Unable to reach an agreement with city officials on issues of job security, health benefits, and teacher evaluations, 26,000 employees of Chicago’s public schools went on strike today, canceling classes for 400,000 students. What do you think?
Nationals Ensure Strasburg Doesn't Pitch By Removing Tendons From Arm #~# WASHINGTON—With Stephen Strasburg reaching his innings limit for the year, Nationals personnel announced plans Sunday to shut down the star pitcher for the remainder of the regular season and playoffs by removing several tendons from his right arm. "Basically, we're going to sneak in, chloroform him, and rip out various connective tissue important for pitching," said manager Davey Johnson, who reasoned that Strasburg can't injure his arm if he can't move it. "Stras won't be happy about being unable to lift things or hold stuff, but in the long term it's better this way, because even if he wants to pitch, he won't be able to." Johnson confirmed the Nationals will give the tendons back to Strasburg shortly before spring training next year.
Hang-Gliding Putin Leads Flock Of Birds #~# Piloting a motorized hang glider and wearing a costume designed to mimic a Siberian white crane, Russian president Vladimir Putin participated in a project to help train endangered migratory birds to fly to nesting grounds in Central Asia. What do you think?
Number Of Users Who Actually Enjoy Facebook Down To 4 #~# WASHINGTON—A comprehensive and groundbreaking new report released Monday by the Pew Research Center’s Internet and American Life Project has found that only four users of Facebook derive pleasure of any kind from the popular social networking website.
Broncos Receivers Keep Forgetting They Can Run Farther Than 5 Yards Downfield On Passing Plays #~# DENVER—Team sources confirmed Sunday that members of the Denver Broncos' receiving corps are still struggling to remember they can now run more than five yards down the field during a passing play. "I guess we just got really used to taking a few steps and then immediately starting to block the nearest defender," said third-year wideout Eric Decker, adding that he also has to occasionally catch himself from instinctively jogging off the field after every third down. "It definitely caught me off guard the first time I looked up in the middle of a play and saw the ball coming directly toward me and not 15 feet away. It's unusual, for sure, but I'm slowly getting used to tight spirals hitting my hands. I really like it, actually." When reached for comment, new Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed that he is having difficulty adjusting to receivers who drop every single ball he throws them.
Steelers/Broncos #~# The Broncos host the Steelers in a rematch of the 2012 wild-card game, but this time Denver has an actual quarterback. Here’s what each team must do to win:
Area Woman Dumped On 15-Week Anniversary #~# TACOMA, WA—Insult compounded romantic injury Saturday when local boyfriend Charles Pond not only broke up with Karen Brunhoff, the woman he has dated since last spring, but reportedly “had the nerve” to dump her on the couple’s 15-week anniversary. "I just can't believe he would do this to me on our 15th," said Brunhoff, confirming she was stunned by Pond’s utter lack of sensitivity. "Today of all days? We’ve been together week after week, we make it to the 15 mark, and now he does it? I should have known something was up when our 14th came and went without so much as a card or flowers." Reached for comment, Pond told reporters he had already been patient enough in delaying the breakup until after the couple’s 100-day anniversary.
New Zipcarp Service Offers Short-Term Carp Rentals #~# BOSTON—Announcing its plan to offer short-term, affordable carp rentals for urbanites and college students who don’t own a carp of their own, Zipcarp Inc. launched a brand-new fish-sharing service earlier this month.
NFL On Fox #~# Fox
San Diego Zoo Displays First Rhino Stillborn In Captivity #~# SAN DIEGO—The San Diego Zoo continues to welcome the record crowds coming from far and wide to see its latest attraction: Ren, the first Indian rhinoceros stillborn in captivity. “What really captivates people about Ren is that he was born far too early and came into the world as just the tiniest little expulsion of mucus-covered fetal tissue,” said animal keeper Jeff Cooperman, speaking to reporters Friday about the zoo’s newest superstar. “Everybody loves Ren, from the schoolkids who voted in our “Name the Dead Rhino Fetus” contest to the grownups who are charmed by the way he just lies there by his mom and are quick to notice the miniature tip of his underdeveloped horn nub.” Additionally, Cooperman noted that the gift shop’s bestselling items were lumpy, red-flecked stuffed toys made in the likeness of Ren.
Bears Offensive Coordinator Working On Innovative New Turnover #~# CHICAGO—Promising to "change the way people think about surrendering possession," Chicago Bears offensive coordinator Mike Tice told reporters Saturday that he is currently developing an innovative new turnover for the 2012 season. "Right now we're calling it a double-reverse fumble, but honestly that doesn't capture how truly revolutionary this turnover is," said Tice, who advised skeptics to "forget everything they think they know about giving the ball away." "Imagine a botched snap transitioning into an errant lateral that is somehow also an interception, and that should give you some idea of what we're about to unleash on the league. We'll run it if we feel defenses are starting to get complacent with our normal turnovers." Tice also mentioned that he has spent the past few nights drawing up some bold new illegal formations incorporating as many as 16 players.
Everyone In Improv Troupe Balding #~# NEW YORK—Every member of local improvisational troupe “Calhoun” is balding, audience members observed Tuesday during the group’s 8 p.m. performance.
Mother Knows Perfect Picture To Publicize If Daughter Ever Abducted #~# GLENCOE, IL—Concerned mother Eva Germaine, 42, has already picked out the perfect picture to release to the media should her daughter Brittney, 16, ever be abducted by a maniac, sources close to the family reported Monday. "I went back and forth on it for a while, but now I'm convinced this one with her holding the soccer ball and smiling would be just right—it has this overall wholesomeness to it that's working really well," said Germaine, stressing how important it would be publicize a "friendly, likable" image of her daughter in the event of a missing-and-possibly-raped scenario. "I'll just tuck this away for when the time comes." Sources confirmed Germaine was planning to run the picture by her daughter first before finalizing the selection.
Homeless Man Has No Idea What To Do With Visiting Parents #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—With a long-planned weekend visit from his parents looming closer, local homeless man David Ruffner told reporters Friday he has been scrambling to come up with things to do with his mother and father during their stay. “I don’t know. I guess I can show them my spot under the bridge here, but that’s only going to kill an hour at most,” said Ruffner, 38, speaking loudly to make himself heard above the din of a train passing overhead. “And of course I’ll give them a tour of the park where I sleep when the weather’s nice, and direct them toward a discreet place to defecate, but after that I’m gonna be a pretty boring host.” Sighing in apparent resignation, Ruffner confirmed he would probably end up walking around the downtown area with his parents and maybe grabbing dinner from a restaurant dumpster.
Coworker’s Girlfriend Not As Pretty As Expected #~# STAMFORD, CT—Employees at Greenberg Consulting Group confirmed Friday that accountant Tim Eriksen’s girlfriend, who was widely assumed to be very good-looking, is not nearly as pretty as everyone had anticipated. “I don’t know, for some reason I just kind of had this idea in mind that Tim was dating a really attractive woman,” office manager Craig Fields said shortly after meeting the woman at an after-work dinner event. “Tim’s a good-looking guy, so I figured he probably does pretty well for himself. Plus, her name is Kylie, which conjured up the image of a certain kind of woman. She’s not super unattractive or anything, she’s just normal, which is totally fine, I just…I don’t know, I wasn’t expecting it, I guess.” At press time, Eriksen was reportedly at home having absolutely mind-blowing sex with his girlfriend.
Report: It's Not Too Early To Be Pessimistic About Cleveland Browns #~# CLEVELAND—Though the team has yet to play a single game, a report published Thursday by Sports Illustrated football writer Peter King confirmed that it is not yet too early to be pessimistic about the Cleveland Browns this season. "In years past, it might have made sense to wait until they started out with a five-game losing streak to declare the season over, but clearly the time to give up on the Browns is now," said King, whose report determined Cleveland has "all the right pieces in place" to start getting blown out immediately in week one. "This is a team that is absolutely beyond hope, trusting their offense to a rookie quarterback who will turn 29 in October and a banged-up rookie running back. And with all the injuries in the defense, you'd be crazy not to have a completely bleak outlook on this shit team." While acknowledging the Browns are a perennial favorite for worst team in the league, the report concluded the floor of their potential is now lower than ever and, with a little luck, 2012 could be the year they finally put together a whole season without a single win.
One Direction Wins Big At VMAs #~# London-based boy band One Direction took home three MTV Video Music Awards last night, beating out Rihanna, Maroon 5, and Justin Bieber for best pop video with their chart-topping debut, “What Makes You Beautiful.” What do you think?
Guess Whose Sister Is A Bitch? #~# Bravo
Highlights Of The DNC #~# The Democratic National Convention, held this week in Charlotte, NC, featured dozens of speeches, the formal adoption of the party's 2012 platform, and the official renomination of President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden. Here are a few highlights from the three-day event:
Elephant Poaching Up Dramatically #~# According to recent reports from advocacy groups, elephants in central Africa are being slaughtered at rates unseen since the 1980s, with ivory prices skyrocketing due to increased demand from emerging Asian nations, most notably China. What do you think?
Cubs Fans Now Too Fat To Attend Games #~# CHICAGO—According to a statement released Thursday by the Chicago Cubs front office, fans of the 136-year-old baseball franchise are now too fat to attend home games.
Obama: 'Help Us Destroy Jesus And Start A New Age Of Liberal Darkness' #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—With the savage roar of the heathen Democratic horde rising all around him, President Barack Obama delivered an incendiary speech to close his party’s national convention Thursday night, commanding the ultraprogressive minions in attendance to help him “destroy Jesus and usher in a new age of liberal darkness that shall reign o’er the earth for a thousand years.”
Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87 #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Accepting his renomination at the Democratic National Convention on Thursday, Vice President Joe Biden countered recent Republican criticisms by asserting that most Americans were indeed better off than they were four years ago, but he acknowledged that life still paled in comparison to that one “killer fucking” summer in 1987.
Rising Star John Kerry's Stirring Speech Paves Way For 2016 Presidential Run #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Rising Democratic star John Kerry took the stage at his party’s national convention Thursday night, delivering a rousing speech that many political insiders are saying may pave the way for the Massachusetts senator to make a formidable 2016 presidential run. “Sen. Kerry’s electrifying and thought-provoking address offered unique views on America’s place in the modern world and proves he is a force to be reckoned with in 2016,” said syndicated columnist and blogger Robert Eukel, who noted the up-and-coming politician showcased a unique ability to address both sides of the political divide, demonstrating his potential to become “the future of the Democratic party.” “His message really resonated with the audience and created the kind of energy and excitement the Democrats haven’t experienced in a long time. This guy has got it.” Political analysts are already comparing Kerry to former Florida governor Jeb Bush, whose invigorating speech at last week’s Republican National Convention has already been credited with helping to establish him as one of America’s most prominent conservative leaders.
Obama's Speech Moved Indoors #~# Due to the likelihood of severe storms, President Obama’s acceptance speech tonight at the Democratic National Convention has been moved from the 73,000-seat Bank of America Stadium to the 20,000-seat Time Warner Cable Arena. What do you think?
NFL To Reduce Penalties By Installing Hundreds Of Security Cameras #~# NEW YORK—In a new effort to deter rule violations and reduce penalty rates across the league, the NFL announced Thursday it would install hundreds of security cameras in stadiums and constantly monitor players during games. “This new surveillance system will effectively prevent penalties, because players know that the moment they step on the football field, we’ll be closely watching them at all times,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that currently referees can’t see every face mask, clipping, or horse-collar tackle that occurs on the field and sidelines, and have been unable to address why players decide to break rules in the first place. “I’m confident the dense placement of security cameras will significantly decrease the number of illegal formations, neutral zone infractions, and equipment violations in the league, creating a safer, more harmonious sport for all. Our video analysis software features an advanced number-recognition program that allows those working in the NFL’s Central Monitoring Center to identify suspects committing personal fouls and impose the proper punishment.” The NFL also announced plans to combat improper off-field conduct by installing cameras inside locker rooms, strip clubs near stadiums, and the homes of players and coaches.
Guantánamo Prisoners Released Into Cheering DNC Crowd #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Drawing thunderous applause and roars of approval from the 20,000 Democrats in attendance, top party officials released all 168 remaining detainees from the Guantánamo Bay detention facility into the Time Warner Cable Arena on Thursday. “Are you ready to rectify one of the gravest moral failings and grossest miscarriages of justice in American history?” Democratic National Committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz shouted from the convention podium before lifting a curtain to reveal dozens of enemy combatants, all of whom immediately sprinted into the crowd of wildly cheering liberals and out the facility’s exits. “Justice is finally served!” At press time, the FBI was responding to a report of a possible dirty-bomb detonation in the immediate Charlotte, NC area.
Obama's 19-Year-Old Son Makes Rare Appearance At DNC #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—The first family has turned more than a few heads at this week’s Democratic National Convention, where the president, as he greets delegates and waves to crowds of supporters, is often accompanied not only by his wife and two daughters, but also his rarely seen 19-year-old son, Luther.
Andy Roddick Retires At Top Of Everyone Else's Game #~# NEW YORK—After losing in the fourth round of the U.S. Open to Juan Martin del Potro, Andy Roddick officially retired from professional tennis Wednesday, walking away from the sport while at the peak of his competitors’ careers.
Supreme Court's New Agent Already Getting Them Better Cases #~# WASHINGTON—The justices of the United States Supreme Court confirmed this week that although he has been on the job less than a year, their new agent, Rory McCleft, has already started to help the nine-member panel land more high-profile cases.
Organic Food No More Nutritious #~# A study by Stanford University researchers found that organic meats and produce did not possess more vitamins or nutrients than their conventional counterparts, casting doubts on the health benefits of organic foods. What do you think?
Prince Charles Thinks Boys Are Finally Old Enough To Hear What Happened To Their Mother #~# LONDON—Feeling that his sons were finally mature enough to handle the truth, Prince Charles reportedly decided Thursday to tell Princes William and Harry what really happened to their mother, the late Princess Diana. “Boys, gather around, there’s something important you need to hear,” said His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales, 63, taking a deep breath before explaining to his sons that their mother had in fact died in a car crash in 1997. “I know this may come as a shock, but I think you two are old enough now to know the real story. You should also know that I’ve remarried.” Observers of the Royal Family expect Charles to wait another 15 years before letting Prince William know how many young women the queen vetted before ordering Kate Middleton to marry him.
Bill Clinton Finally Just Shows America His Penis #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—During his speech Wednesday evening at the Democratic National Convention in downtown Charlotte, former U.S. president Bill Clinton finally just unzipped his fly and showed the entire country his penis.
S'More Than Just S'Mores! #~# Food
Unemployed Man Who Had To Move Back In With His Parents Still For Obama #~# COVINGTON, KY—More than two years after losing his last job in a brutal round of layoffs and moving back in with his parents, local man Brian Powers confirmed he is still a vocal supporter of Barack Obama and a vehement defender of the president’s economic platform, sources reported Wednesday. “I’ve always been a huge admirer of Obama, and there’s no doubt I’m supporting him in November,” said the unemployed 26-year-old, who, since voting for the president in 2008 while a senior in college, has defaulted on $200,000 in student-loan debt and held no fewer than five entry-level positions, each of which was terminated within six months due to downsizing. “His first term wasn’t perfect by any means, but he still did a lot of really impressive things, especially considering the poor hand he was dealt. Now that we’re on the road to recovery, he needs our help more than ever.” At press time, the staunch Obama supporter was heading by the AMPM store to see if any positions had opened up since last week.
Cowboys/Giants #~# The 2012 NFL Kickoff game showcases a classic division rivalry between the Super Bowl champion New York Giants and the defending NFC East third place champion Dallas Cowboys. Here's what each team must do to win.
McDonald's To Open Vegetarian Restaurants #~# The first two entirely vegetarian McDonald’s restaurants are scheduled to open next year near Hindu and Sikh pilgrimage sites in northern India, offering items such as potato patties and vegetable-and-cheese pastries instead of traditional burgers. What do you think?
'Breaking Bad' Creator Thinking Maybe Next Season Should Take Dark Turn #~# LOS ANGELES—Following last Sunday’s Breaking Bad midseason finale, creator and showrunner Vince Gilligan told reporters that in a departure from the “light, fun tone” that has characterized the program thus far, the concluding episodes may take more of a darker turn. “Ever since the very first episode, in which [main character] Walt is diagnosed with cancer and forced to sell meth to provide for his pregnant wife and cerebral-palsy-stricken son, I’ve thought that perhaps one day we could begin taking the show in a grittier direction,” said Gilligan, adding that while the program’s ongoing depiction of a man slowly succumbing to an illegal lifestyle defined by power, violence, and alienation was fine for four and a half seasons, he “wouldn’t mind” eventually exploring some grimmer themes. “I know our audience has gotten comfortable seeing Walt regularly kill drug dealers, endanger his family, and poison small children, but, personally, I think people would be interested in seeing a slightly more sinister side to the character.” Gilligan’s announcement comes just weeks after fellow AMC showrunner Matthew Weiner announced it was “entirely conceivable that the next season of Mad Men may touch on how men deal with marriage.”
Tonight's DNC Program To Be Just 3 Hours Of Osama Bin Laden's Blown-Off Face Projected Onto Screen #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—According to high-level campaign sources, the second night of the Democratic National Convention will consist solely of three straight hours of the late al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden’s bloody, bullet-mauled face being projected on every screen and monitor in the Time Warner Cable Arena. “From 8 to 11 p.m., we’re going to dim the house lights and show bin Laden’s blown-off face, bloodstained cranial fragments, and exploded brain matter from every conceivable angle—everything from ultra close-ups of his gaping forehead wound to wider shots showing the immense pool of blood pouring from his shattered skull,” said Obama campaign press secretary Ben LaBolt, noting that for the 10 p.m. network television broadcast hour, a massive 60-foot screen in the center of the stadium would be lowered to display a continuous loop of never-before-seen high-definition footage of the terrorist mastermind’s face being ripped apart by bullets. “We can’t think of a better way to finally release these photographs. The slow-zoom portion of the program where the camera essentially goes into bin Laden’s empty eye socket and you can see all the dangling cerebral tissue and nerve endings should be very powerful. It’s going to be a fantastic night!” LaBolt said the images of bin Laden would be introduced by his fourth wife, Siham Saber.
Adam Levine Receives Promotion To Senior Lead Singer Of Maroon 5 #~# LOS ANGELES—Before moving on to the normal business of Maroon 5’s Wednesday morning all-staff meeting, manager Jordan Feldstein reportedly took a moment to announce that lead singer Adam Levine had been promoted to senior lead singer of the Grammy-winning pop-rock band. “In recognition of Adam’s 12 years of dedicated lead singing, we’ve made the decision to bump him up to the senior level, which comes with a few added responsibilities and a well-deserved pay raise,” Feldstein said to a round of light applause from the other five musicians in attendance. “I’m also happy to announce that longtime staff keyboardist P.J. Morton will be making the move to associate keyboardist, having come quite a long way since he first joined us as a keyboarding intern right out of college. Congrats, Adam and P.J.! You guys certainly earned it.” Levine later told reporters he felt a creeping sense of guilt for having recently submitted his résumé to Death Cab for Cutie.
Clint Eastwood To Publish New Autobiography: 'I…Where You're Alive And They—You Write A Book About You' #~# Year In Review
Scientists Able To Restore Sense Of Smell? #~# A study published in Nature Medicine found the sense of smell in mice could be restored by administering gene therapy via injections to the nose, a discovery that offers hope to humans with anosmia, or the inability to perceive scents. What do you think?
Good Evening, It's An Honor To Be Used As A Political Prop By My Husband's Campaign #~# Good evening, everyone. Thank you so much for being here with us. I speak to you tonight as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and, of course, a proud American.
DNC Keynote Speaker Definitely Not Keynote Speaker Only Because He's Latino #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—The keynote address at the Democratic National Convention tonight will be delivered by San Antonio mayor Julián Castro, who party sources have reiterated was given the very prominent speaking role as a result of his vast accomplishments in local government and definitely not just because he’s Latino. “I deliver my speech tonight as a widely respected political figure, and not at all because the Latino vote is pivotal to this November’s presidential election or because the Democratic Party is desperate for a young, telegenic Latino to be seen on national television endorsing the president,” Castro told reporters, repeatedly noting that his three-year tenure as mayor of San Antonio was the primary reason for his selection and not the fact that he plays very well with the largest minority group in the country. “Indeed, every single thing I say up here honestly represents my values and beliefs as a person and is in no way part of some patently contrived attempt to show Latino voters that the Obama administration indeed cares about them and has their best interests at heart. I assure you this is not that.” As evidence to support his argument, Castro pointed to the long history of thirtysomething mayors delivering keynote addresses at national political conventions.
Joe Biden Hitchhikes To Democratic National Convention #~# WASHINGTON—Saying it was his duty to “heed the call of the open road,” Vice President Joe Biden set off hitchhiking to the Democratic National Convention today, relying solely on his charm and the generosity of passing motorists to make his way across the 400 miles between Washington to Charlotte, NC.
DNC Lacking Same Delusional Magic It Had In 2008 #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—With the 2012 Democratic National Convention now under way in Charlotte, Beltway observers are reporting that the mood inside the Time Warner Cable Arena remains spirited and optimistic, despite a noticeable lack of the delusional, completely-out-of-touch-with-reality magic that characterized the event four years ago.
Democratic National Convention Opens #~# The three-day Democratic National Convention kicks off today at the Time Warner Cable Arena in Charlotte, NC, with prime-time addresses from first lady Michelle Obama and San Antonio mayor Julián Castro, the event’s keynote speaker. What do you think?
Teammates Feel Absolutely Nothing During Hug With Returning A-Rod #~# ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Members of the New York Yankees reportedly failed to experience even the slightest tinge of emotion Monday while hugging teammate Alex Rodriguez, who returned to the lineup following a six-week layoff with a fractured hand. "You'd think after four years of playing together, traveling to away games, and hanging out in the clubhouse, I would at least have some feelings, either positive or negative, when embracing the guy," said Yankees outfielder Nick Swisher, explaining that the stiff, two-second embrace left him with a "cold, uncomfortable numbness." "I didn't feel happy, I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel anything at all. Just complete emptiness. It was like putting my arms around a lamppost." Sources later confirmed that, despite the complete and utter indifference felt by every Yankee who greeted Rodriguez, the team did take some joy in watching the 14-time All-Star strike out during their 4-3 loss to the Tampa Bay Rays.
Retired Kurt Warner Dropping By Cardinals Training Camp Periodically To Make Sure Team Still Using Clean Language #~# FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Reports out of Arizona Cardinals training camp confirmed that for the third time this preseason—and the 33rd time since he retired in 2010—former starting quarterback Kurt Warner dropped by practice to see his former teammates and make sure they were still using appropriate, clean language. “Right after Kurt retired we weren’t that surprised to see him, because he used to mention all the time how worried he was that our language would go to heck once he left,” Cardinals running back Beanie Wells said Tuesday, adding that everyone on the team has noticed how badly Warner grimaces every time he hears an “F-word.” “Now we’re starting to get a little tired of hearing that just because a word may not offend our teammates doesn’t mean it doesn’t offend Jesus.” Several Arizona players did, however, make a point of saying that the former MVP’s periodic visits were much prefered to those of former Cardinal quarterback Jake Plummer, who stops by twice a week seemingly for no other reason than to drink as much free Gatorade as possible.
I Wish My Parents Would Stop E-Mailing Naked Pictures Of Me To Their Friends #~# First of all, I just want to say that I love my parents. They are generous and supportive and overall they seem like good people. But I have to admit they have habits that are, for lack of a better phrase, pretty messed up. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and call these habits unbelievably messed up. Because while I appreciate how they feed me and clothe me and take me places, I am decidedly not so into this whole thing where they take high-resolution digital photos of me while I'm naked and distribute them via e-mail to a large audience of their friends, family, and coworkers.
5,000 Killed In Syria In August #~# Activist groups claimed that 5,000 Syrians were killed last month as the Assad regime stepped up its bloody crackdown on the nation’s civilian uprising, marking the highest monthly death toll since the conflict began in March 2011. What do you think?
Nation Tired Of Having To Skim Past Headlines About Apple, Samsung Lawsuit #~# WASHINGTON—Citizens browsing news sites across the United States expressed frustration Monday after being forced to skim past more headlines about the ongoing patent infringement lawsuit between Apple and Samsung. “It seems like every morning there’s another new article about this thing and, quite honestly, I just don’t care about it and I’m not clicking on it,” said ad copywriter James Gibaldi, one of the millions of exasperated Americans who told reporters they were tired of Apple/Samsung links occupying space that could be used for political, entertainment, sports, health, or other technology news. “When I see ‘Apple’ in the headline I expect it to be about the new iPhone or something interesting, but it just turns out to be some new thing about the lawsuit. Jesus, I thought I scrolled past a headline weeks ago saying it was resolved, but there’s more stuff every day.” At press time, citizens also said they were becoming weary of daily headlines about Syria’s rising death toll, saying they would much rather see them replaced with more links about the cancellation of Jersey Shore.
Sun Myung Moon Funeral To Be All Weird, Sources Report #~# GAPYEONG, SOUTH KOREA—Citing the myriad bizarre religious customs practiced by the Unification Church, sources told reporters Monday that they expect the funeral of recently deceased founder Rev. Sun Myung Moon to be all weird and shit. “I mean, the guy said he was the messiah, so it’s definitely going to be super freaky,” said Tsuyoshi Hwang, 31, who further speculated that a bunch of different people in outlandish outfits would likely make speeches and then maybe do some kind of strange group dance. “There will probably be some big weird altar and people will probably chant like a bunch of nutjobs while they put him into the ground. And there will definitely be some crazy-ass hats and stuff. That’s basically a given.” At press time, sources confirmed the ceremony would probably involve a point when all 3 million members of the odd cult commit suicide in a really weird way.
Americans Take Day Off From Looking For Work #~# NEW YORK—Citing the day-in, day-out grind of waking up early every morning and plugging away nonstop to find a job, Americans across the nation are spending their Labor Day taking a well-deserved day off from looking for work.
Airplane Bird Strikes On The Rise #~# A study from the Department of Transportation found that aircraft bird strikes in the U.S. have increased more than fivefold since 1990, with nearly 10,000 such instances last year alone. What do you think?
Report: Average American Consumes 156 Pounds Of Sugar Per Year But Would Like To Consume Much More #~# WASHINGTON—A U.S. Department of Agriculture report published Monday revealed the average American consumes 156 pounds of sugar a year but would, ideally, prefer to ingest a far greater amount. “To be honest, 156 sounds pretty low,” said Milwaukee-area consumer Curt Jenkins, 35, whose feelings are shared by an overwhelming 87 percent of U.S. citizens who participated in the five-year, $200 million study. “That’s not even a pound a day. I think if we worked at it, we could double that number. I know I personally could eat a whole lot more, and I’m sure others could, too. I mean, sugar’s the best! Have you tasted it? It’s really good.” The report follows last month’s finding that Americans take an average of 5,117 steps per day, a distance 96 percent of survey respondents agreed was “way farther than anyone should be walking.”
Chiefs Realize Brady Quinn Received 'Frog And Toad Are Friends' Instead Of Playbook #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Dismayed Kansas City Chiefs personnel told reporters Monday that backup quarterback Brady Quinn had mistakenly received a copy of Arnold Lobel's children's picture book Frog And Toad Are Friends instead of the team's 54-page playbook. "Brady kept talking about how he spent hours each night poring over the book and memorizing the diagrams in it," Chiefs head coach Romeo Crennel said of the Caldecott Honor book, which is designated level two in the "I Can Read" series and is intended for "readers who are increasingly confident, but still need some help." "It wasn't until he started telling little stories in the huddle about coat buttons and ponds that we realized something was up. He does seem to have learned some important lessons about friendship from the book. He's more communicative on the field, and he's sharing the ball better, but he's much further away from being game-ready than we thought." At press time, Quinn was preparing for Sunday's season opener against the Atlanta Falcons by carefully studying footage from the second season of Yo Gabba Gabba!.
Gun vs. Knives #~# Game Show
Kids Swallowing More Small Batteries #~# A new CDC report found a surge in the number of children treated for ingesting the button batteries used in small devices like toys, watches, and hearing aids, with the nationwide figure rising from 1,900 in 1998 to 4,800 in 2010. What do you think?
Michelle Lokey and Grant Bergen #~# Michelle Lokey and Grant Bergen were united in marriage Saturday in a  lovely ceremony during which, let’s face it, it crossed every guest’s  mind at one point or another that the couple was going to have some real  pale and mole-y children.
Paul Ryan Cuts $120 Million In Wasteful Spending From Romney Campaign #~# WASHINGTON—Back on the campaign trail this weekend following the Republican National Convention, vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan recommended more than $120 million in cuts to what he called the "excessive, wasteful, and frankly irresponsible" amount of money being spent to elect Mitt Romney. "We're looking at upwards of $15,000 a day on hotel and restaurant expenses alone—there are any number things we need to just slash and hack here," Ryan told reporters Sunday, pointing to a bar graph outlining the budgets of the Romney campaign, the Republican Party, and various friendly super PACs. "This kind of runaway spending is unsustainable and has no place in our political system." Ryan added that while normally he is only in favor of austerity measures for the poor and middle class, Romney's election funding was simply ridiculous.
Minor-League Baseball Player Has No Idea Which Team's Farm System He's In Anymore #~# BURLINGTON, VT—Utterly disoriented after changing minor-league teams and cities several times in the past year, Vermont Lake Monsters pitcher Shane McCatty told reporters Saturday that he no longer had any idea which MLB team's farm system he belonged to. "I might have been a Washington Nationals prospect at one point," said McCatty, who was uncertain if he had been traded, promoted, or demoted by the major-league parent club. "Maybe they switched affiliations or something. Anyone's guess is as good as mine. I'm almost positive [the Lake Monsters' parent team] isn't a mammal one. And it's definitely not a bird or a sock. I was thinking the Arizona Snakes, but that doesn't really sound right, either." McCatty reportedly concluded that the smartest thing for him to do right now was to focus on throwing baseballs, which he remained confident was one of his responsibilities.
Romney Privately Wondering How In The Name Of Fuck He’s Going To Appeal To Asian Voters #~# MOLINE, IL—Mitt Romney privately wondered this week just how in the name of living fuck he’s supposed to appeal to Asian voters, sources close to the presumptive Republican presidential nominee confirmed. “I have to get 40% of these people?  I don’t even know how to court one Asian, let alone five million Asians,” muttered the former Massachusetts Governor, adding that he couldn’t think of an Asian on the entire fucking planet that would look at him and think, “I want to vote for that guy.” “This is going to be a goddamn disaster. I have a hard enough time appealing to white women, let alone Asians. Asian, for Christ’s sake.” Recent reports indicate that Romney has decided to start walking around in a silk robe he found in his closet and see if that does anything for him.
Jovial Man Must Not Be Aware He Works At Airport Burrito Restaurant #~# DENVER—According to bewildered sources near gate B52 at Denver International Airport, the man cheerfully and energetically going about his tasks behind the counter of the Burrito Beach Mexican Grille must not be aware that he works at an airport burrito restaurant.
Sean Pickens #~# Sean Pickens, a 41-year-old peeping Tom, left local woman Cecilia Jones a  note informing her of a strange-looking mole on her back.
Paul Ryan Releases 90-Minute High-Endurance Budget-Slashing Video #~# WASHINGTON—Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan took a short break from his busy campaign schedule Wednesday to announce the official release of his new 90-minute high-endurance Extreme Budget Shredder instructional video.
Nation Suddenly Realizes This Just Going To Be A Thing That Happens From Now On #~# NEW YORK—Following Hurricane Sandy’s destructive tear through the Northeast this week, the nation’s 300 million citizens looked upon the trail of devastation and fully realized, for the first time, that this is just going to be something that happens from now on.
Sandy's Economic Toll Could Reach $50 Billion #~# Many analysts are estimating the cost of the devastation and economic disruption caused by Hurricane Sandy at around $20 billion, with some suggesting the economic toll could reach as high as $50 billion. What do you think?
Report: Only Way Nation Will Pay Attention To Climate Change Is If Julia Roberts Dies In Hurricane #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—As the nation recovers from Hurricane Sandy, Florida State University researchers released a report Wednesday revealing that the only circumstance in which Americans would ever pay any attention at all to the issue of climate change would be if film actress Julia Roberts were killed in a hurricane. “Our data suggest that Julia Roberts will either have to drown in rising floodwaters or be crushed to death as 170-mile-per-hour winds demolish her home before the country even acknowledges global warming,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Brooke Langley, adding that the widely beloved star of Erin Brockovich and Pretty Woman would need to be killed in no less than a Category 1 tropical cyclone for the populace to notice that irregular climate shifts pose a very real threat to humanity. “Even if millions are killed and entire cities are washed away, only the sight of Ms. Roberts’ pale, lifeless corpse lying amid storm wreckage will convince Americans to have open and frank discussions about the disastrous effects of greenhouse-gas emissions. And even then, there’s no telling if it will be enough for the country to actively take any steps to reduce them.” At press time, disappointed climatologists confirmed that Julia Roberts remains alive and was entirely unharmed by Hurricane Sandy.
Weird Couple Has Greatest Sex Of Their Lives After Announcement Of Disney-LucasFilm Merger #~# NASHUA, NH—Following yesterday’s announcement that the Walt Disney Co. had acquired movie studio Lucasfilm Ltd. for $4.05 billion, local couple John Campbell and Linda Clarke had the most mind-blowing sex of their lives, the utterly bizarre pair told reporters. “Wow, that was incredible,” an exhausted Clarke said to Campbell after the intense lovemaking session, which reportedly began in an odd moment of passion brought on by industry news that Disney now owns rights to R2-D2, Chewbacca, and other Star Wars properties. “I feel amazing.” The exceedingly strange couple added that they hadn’t had such great sex since 2007, when they “couldn’t keep their hands off each other” after learning Brendan Fraser had signed on to reprise his role as explorer Rick O’Connell for a third film in The Mummy franchise.
The Word 'Spooktacular' Used To Mean Something In This Country #~# Halloween is supposed to be a special time—a treasured holiday when children of all ages gather to celebrate everything dark and macabre and to experience the frights of their lives. But unfortunately, in this day and age, it’s difficult to tell who is legitimately providing ghoulishly good fun, considering how loosely the term “spooktacular” is thrown around. It’s appalling, it’s infuriating, and it’s downright un-American.
Nation's Lower Class Still Waiting For First Mention By Either Presidential Candidate #~# WASHINGTON—With only a week remaining in the 2012 presidential campaign, the one-third of Americans adults who identify as members of the lower class announced they are still waiting for the first meaningful mention of themselves by either of the major-party candidates. “I’ve heard a lot about how the middle class is vital to the economy and how the upper class may not be paying their fair share, so I’m hoping that, at some point, there’s at least one remark from Romney or Obama on the plight of the lower class,” said Spillville, IA resident Martin Huskins, a cashier who earned $14,600 last year. “Just a word or two would go a long way. Even if the campaigns talk about us in a manipulative or patronizing way—that’d be okay, so long as there’s an actual acknowledgment of the millions upon millions of Americans in my situation. Because it seems like a pretty big problem, right?” Reached for comment, members of the nation’s working poor and underclass said they were pretty sure both candidates must be saving up big speeches on poverty to deliver right before Election Day.
Guy Eating Pistachios And Watching 'Sniper' Doesn't Seem To Be Part Of Haunted House #~# HAVERHILL, MA—According to reports Wednesday from local haunted house Spook Manor, the man eating pistachios and viewing a TV broadcast of the 1993 action film Sniper does not appear to be a part of the Halloween attraction. “We went through a hallway with a strobe light and some fake rats into this pretty well-lit living room where a guy was just sitting on the couch, eating nuts, and watching Sniper,” Spook Manor patron Jeremy Keller said of the man who reportedly acknowledged visitors with a curt “hey” before turning his attention back to the Tom Berenger–Billy Zane movie. “He wasn’t even wearing a mask or anything. At one point he did get up, and I was sure he was going to do something scary, but he just grabbed a soda, sat back down, and kept watching Sniper.” When told there was someone inside watching the scene in Sniper where the two soldiers stake out the hacienda, haunted house proprietor Gary Forsyth expressed disbelief, saying the man who matched that description had died under mysterious circumstances five years ago to the day.
The Onion's Issue-By-Issue Candidate Guide #~# As Election Day nears, inform your vote with The Onion’s definitive issue-by-issue guide to the presidential candidates. Check back daily for further analysis of where the candidates stand on all of the major issues facing our nation.
Lone House With No Halloween Decorations By Far Spookiest In Neighborhood #~# OGALLALA, NE—The only house on the street that remains unadorned with Halloween decorations is far and away the spookiest home in the entire neighborhood, residents of Parkhill Drive told reporters today. “That place gives me the creeps,” said Jenna Dorsey, 36, who noted the residence’s eerie lack of fake cobwebs, hanging bats, or skeleton window decals. “Nobody really knows the people who live there very well, but whoever they are, they don’t celebrate holidays, I guess. It’s all a little spooky—the fluorescent lights glowing in the kitchen, the Ford Taurus parked in the garage, the front yard that’s completely overgrown with weeds.” Sources who briefly glimpsed a sullen-looking man wearing jeans and a T-shirt and walking around inside the house confirmed the sight was far more frightening than any costume they had seen yet today.
Candidates' Last-Minute Appeals To Voters #~# With Election Day less than a week away, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama are urgently barnstorming through key battleground states. Here are some of their last-minute efforts to secure crucial votes:
Increased Negative Campaigning Reveals Previously Hidden Ugly Side Of Politics #~# WASHINGTON—Shocked and disillusioned sources across the nation reported feeling a “loss of innocence” last week when, for the first time in the country’s history, increased negative campaigning began to reveal a long-hidden ugly side of American politics. “Like all of us, I believed our elected representatives considered themselves honor-bound to present public policy matters to the American people in as clear and truthful a manner as possible,” said Omaha resident and mother of four Melanie Jenkins, describing “the dark, secret underbelly” suddenly exposed for the first time this past week in the misrepresentations and outright lies of political ads and speeches. “But now it appears something sinister is afoot in our civic discourse. How long has this deliberate manipulation of voters been going on right under our noses?” At press time, Americans reportedly became even more distressed after realizing that money may actually play a large and detrimental role in our political process.
Paul McCartney: Yoko Ono Didn't Break Up Beatles #~# In an interview with David Frost, Paul McCartney rejected the long-lived allegations that John Lennon’s wife, Yoko Ono, caused the Beatles’ breakup in 1970, stating that the band was already in the process of splitting up at the time. What do you think?
Celtics vs. Heat #~# The Celtics battle the Heat in a rematch of  the 2012 Eastern Conference Finals featuring intrigue, betrayal, and a  bunch of pricks.
Mood In Car Takes Grim Turn After Dad Misses Exit #~# LYNNVILLE, IN—The atmosphere inside the Lowery family car became gravely serious Saturday morning immediately after father and driver Chris Lowery, 44, missed the highway exit he was supposed to take, backseat sources confirmed.
Lone Doofus Has Been Waiting 36 Hours For Next C Train #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Despite the fact that all New York City subway service has been shut down since Sunday night due to Hurricane Sandy, area doofus Matt Crumskey has reportedly spent the past 36 hours waiting for the next C train to arrive at the Broadway Junction stop. “I know the subway is delayed sometimes, but this is getting ridiculous,” said the bumbling halfwit, who somehow blundered his way past the tape blocking the subway entrance, oblivious to the numerous signs stating that service had been halted due to a devastating storm ravaging the Northeast. “I’d try taking a different line, but I already paid my fare, and I know the second I leave this platform, the train will get here. And then I’d probably get caught in the rain out there.” The imbecile added that since he was the only one waiting on the platform, at least he could be sure that the train wouldn’t be too crowded once it finally arrived.
Oh, Right, World Series #~# Uh, Giants Won
Superstorm Sandy Kills 38 #~# Though downgraded to a post-tropical cyclone, Sandy has left 38 U.S. residents dead, cut electricity to 8.2 million, flooded large swaths of the Eastern Seaboard, and prompted President Obama to declare a “major disaster” in New York and New Jersey. What do you think?
Mom Just Called To Make Sure You're Not Under That Dangling Crane #~# BOISE, ID—Calling to check on him for the fourth consecutive morning amid reports of the dangers posed by Hurricane Sandy, local mom Mary Canfield expressed relief Tuesday after learning her son in New York wasn’t underneath that crane that’s dangling from a high-rise apartment building in Manhattan. “Oh, thank God—the thought of you standing under that big, dangling crane was just awful,” said the concerned mother, explaining that as soon as she saw TV footage of the crane on 57th Street in Midtown, she had a “horrible vision” of her son, a 27-year-old Brooklyn resident, trapped beneath the twisted wreckage of the crane as floodwaters rose around him. “They’re saying it’s 1,000 feet up in the air and just flapping around waiting to fall. Honey, promise you won’t go near that crane, okay?” Canfield added that in case of an emergency, her son should feel free to call her friend Debbie up in Utica.
New Jersey Residents Avoid Rising Floodwater By Climbing To Top Of Chris Christie #~# EWING, NJ—Heeding the instructions of state officials and emergency personnel, thousands of New Jersey residents were able to escape Hurricane Sandy’s devastating floodwaters Monday by ascending to the crest of Gov. Chris Christie and riding out the storm atop the first-term Republican. “According to flyovers conducted this morning, several thousand citizens from Sandy Hook to Cape May—including almost the entire population of Atlantic City—followed our advice to climb up Mr. Christie’s legs and torso to reach the highest point of the governor,” said New Jersey emergency management director Rick Fuentes, noting that there were numerous food provisions located throughout the moderate Republican’s clothing that could be accessed by those currently stranded on him. “Thankfully, Gov. Christie has a strong, solidly built foundation and was easily able to withstand gusts of up to 90 miles per hour, as well as a fast-moving storm surge. So we ask the thousands of you still clinging to the governor to just hold tight—and don’t worry, because that thing’s not going anywhere.” Fuentes then stated that rescue boats and helicopters were being mobilized and urged the remaining citizens stuck atop Christie to be patient and avoid straying too close to his mouth.
Election FAQ #~# In the days leading up to the Nov. 6 General Election, the Onion political team will answer your common questions about voting. Check back daily for two more responses to voters' most pressing questions.
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of October 30, 2012 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Quitting Smoking Adds Decade To Women's Lives #~# According to a study of 1.3 million women, those who gave up cigarettes by age 40 lived an average of 10 years longer than lifelong smokers, while those who quit by age 30 had a 97 percent chance of avoiding an early death altogether. What do you think?
Ways To Wait Out Hurricane Sandy #~# With Hurricane Sandy shuttering schools, businesses, and transit services up and down the East Coast, tens of millions of Americans have been left to wait out the storm indoors. Here are some ways you and your family can occupy your time until the weather passes:
Misinformed Man Riding Out Storm In Bathtub Filled With Batteries #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Saying that “you can’t be too prepared,” Brooklyn resident and seriously misinformed man Jason Randolph told reporters today he plans to get through Hurricane Sandy by riding out the storm in a bathtub full of batteries. “With a storm of this magnitude, safety is key, so I’ve made sure I’m prepared by first filling my sink with flashlights and then climbing into a tub full of AA batteries,” the woefully misled man said as he burrowed beneath the pile of Duracells. “The more precautions you take, the better off you are. That’s why I’ve taped dozens of cans of soup to the windows and weighed down all my possessions with sandbags.” At press time, a hungry Randolph was planning to snack on some of the candles he had stocked his pantry with.
20 Idiots Evacuated From Times Square M&M's Store #~# NEW YORK—With Hurricane Sandy pounding New York City with powerful winds and a dangerous storm surge Monday, emergency workers were mobilized quickly to evacuate 20 colossal morons from the M&M’s World store in Times Square. “When our first responders found amid the storm several largely oblivious idiots sampling various colors of the milk-chocolate candy and posing for pictures with a large statue of the green female M&M character, we recognized we had to do everything in our power to bring them to safety,” New York City Office of Emergency Management commissioner Joseph F. Bruno said of the tubby fucking dimwits clad in Lion King hats and shirts, several of whom were said to have initially resisted the rescue attempt because they had not yet purchased an M&M plush doll. “Fortunately, we were able to relocate each one of these staggering dopes, as well as most of the American Girl Place bags they were clutching, to a more secure location.” At press time, emergency personnel were working to locate any remaining dummies by pounding on the doors of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.
Hurricane Gives Holed-Up Couple Great Chance To Have All Those Fights They've Been Avoiding #~# NEW YORK—Holed up in their apartment while Hurricane Sandy continues its path up the East Coast, local couple Tim Zucchino, 29, and Helen Powell, 27, told reporters today they were glad to finally get a chance to have all those bitter and tense arguments they’ve been avoiding for the past few months. “Now that Tim and I are trapped alone in our small one-bedroom apartment for God knows how long, we’ll definitely take this opportunity to have some of those big fights about our communication issues we’ve been putting off,” said Powell, sitting next to a nodding Zucchino, who added that he was looking forward to “making that petty comment about Helen’s compulsive tidiness that [he] didn’t get around to last week.” “Sometimes, we both get so caught up in work we just have no energy for our usual screaming matches over whose fault it is that we never spend any time together. But now we literally have days to sit on a couch and wallow in anger and sexual frustration.” At press time, Zucchino and Powell told reporters they really hoped the power would be knocked out soon so they could start fighting about who forgot to purchase flashlight batteries.
Nation Suddenly Remembers Simple Comforts Of Having Out-Of-Touch White Man Run Country #~# WASHINGTON—With just days left before the election, the nation’s 150 million registered voters have started to remember the simple, reassuring comforts of entrusting control of their country to an extremely out-of-touch white man, sources confirmed Monday.
Hurricane Sandy Slams East Coast #~# Bringing winds up to 85 miles per hour, a potentially devastating storm surge, and the threat of blizzard conditions at higher elevations, the historic and massive Hurricane Sandy will make landfall tonight along the densely populated mid-Atlantic coast. What do you think?
Report: Majority Of Americans Now Eating One Continuous Meal A Day #~# WASHINGTON—According to a trend analysis conducted by leading sociologists, most Americans, rather than eating a series of meals with breaks in between, are now eating one continuous, uninterrupted meal throughout the day.
Secretary Of Transportation Spends 3 Hours Cleaning Up Wikipedia Page On Roundabouts #~# WASHINGTON—Grumbling that “it doesn’t take any longer to get this stuff right than it does to get it wrong,” Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood reportedly spent three hours this weekend proofreading, correcting, and in some cases rewriting Wikipedia’s error-riddled roundabout entry. “Oh, come on, who edits this stuff?” said LaHood, shaking his head while deleting a “completely erroneous” paragraph from the section on marked-perimeter cycle lanes. “Someone who didn’t know any better could read this and come away thinking a roundabout is no different than a dumbbell interchange. If you’re going to write about this stuff, you owe it to the public to get it right. I’m afraid to even click on the cloverleaf page.” Sources confirmed that after adding an entirely new paragraph on recommended signaling etiquette, LaHood updated the secretary of transportation entry to note in its first sentence that holders of the office are 14th in the line of presidential succession.
'Cloud Atlas' Weak At Box Office #~# Featuring six plots woven together across five centuries, the Tom Hanks and Halle Berry movie Cloud Atlas, which is based on a David Mitchell novel long considered “unfilmable,” opened to middling reviews and poor ticket sales. What do you think?
Major League Baseball World Series #~# Fox
Jim Leyland's Daughter Takes Off Work To Help Father Through World Series #~# DETROIT—Calling it a far more important use of her time right now, Patti Leyland-Ford, daughter of 67-year-old Tigers manager Jim Leyland, made the decision this week to use some personal days at work to join the Tigers for the World Series and help her dad out around the clubhouse.
Falcons vs. Eagles #~# The Falcons journey to Philadelphia to face the Eagles in a beak-to-beak bird battle for the ages.
Endangered Wildlife To Be Given New Identities In Species Protection Program #~# SEATTLE—In an effort to protect at-risk animals from those who might wish to do them harm, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced Friday it had launched a program that provides endangered species with new names and habitats to ensure their anonymity. “In order to safeguard the lives of innocent creatures and preserve the biodiversity of our nation’s ecosystems, our Species Protection Program creates entirely new identities for animals and relocates them to places where no predator or poacher will ever find them,” said service director Vincent Hill, who confirmed that the former California condor now goes under a pseudonym and, in fact, no longer lives in California. “For example, we just moved a whole warren of brush rabbits from their home along the Columbia River because some fur trappers took a hit out on the poor fellows. Now, as long they keep their heads down, they should be safe.” The program has already come under intense scrutiny following an incident in which a herd of woodland caribou was reportedly reassigned to live in a dolphin community in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
Dwight Howard Makes Talking Look Almost Effortless During Lakers Press Conference #~# LOS ANGELES—Following a team practice Friday, sources confirmed that new Lakers center Dwight Howard gave an inspiring press conference performance in which he made talking look practically effortless. “He was running his mouth better than ever out there,” said Los Angeles Times reporter Helene Elliott, adding that Howard is “just a total natural” when it comes to incessantly rambling about winning NBA championships. “Having spent so much time out injured, everyone was a little worried that Dwight might not be able to blather on and on at the same level he once did, but he silenced any of those concerns right away with a few arrogant and self-involved comments. His mouth was moving so fluidly that it was like he wasn’t even trying. It was amazing to watch.” At press time, Howard was preparing for Tuesday night’s opening-season press conference by practicing forced smiles and fake laughter in front of a locker-room mirror.
Stadium Humors Old Man On Stage, Sings Along to 'Hey Jude' #~# PHILADELPHIA—Not wanting to be rude or hurt the man’s feelings, the thousands assembled at Lincoln Financial Field on Saturday good-naturedly humored a 70-year-old performer who requested they sing along to “Hey Jude,” a song he had written. “I felt bad for the poor guy—he’d been up on stage a really long time, so I figured the least I could was sing a few ‘na-na-nas’ for him,” said 37-year-old attendee Kevin Walker, who admitted it was “really hard” to watch the musician stand up from the piano, hold his microphone out toward the audience, and listen expectantly. “Fifteen times through the chorus was a bit much, but he seemed to get a kick out of it, so no harm done.” Crowd member Brenda Carlton also cheered along complacently, saying, “I’m always looking for ways to teach my kids the value of being polite and, above all, patient.”
Meat Loaf Endorses Romney #~# Performing after the band Big & Rich at a Romney rally last night, Meat Loaf offered the candidate an unusual, rambling endorsement in which the 65-year-old rocker mentioned that he had never been involved in politics before, that the Cold War is not over, and that “Paul Ryan has not pushed [him] off the cliff in a wheelchair.” What do you think?
Mitt Romney Terrified What Will Happen If He Ever Stops Running For President #~# DAYTON, OH—Claiming that running for president of the United States is all he knows, Republican nominee Mitt Romney has confided to aides that he is terrified of what will happen to him if he ever stops campaigning for the highest office in the land, sources confirmed Friday.
U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China #~# WASHINGTON—In what is certain to be regarded as a defining moment in the nation’s history, leading U.S. political figures gathered at the Capitol today to sign their names to the newly drafted Declaration of Dependence, formally proclaiming America’s total reliance on China.
I Hope The Guy Who Got Knocked Out By The American Thighs In That Song Is Okay #~# I just heard a song on the radio that, quite frankly, left me feeling very concerned. While I understand that the gentleman singing the song was having—or sounded as though he was having—an enjoyable time, I can’t help but worry. All I can say is, I’m glad he met the best damn woman he’d ever seen (as he put it), but I sure hope that guy who got knocked out by the American thighs in that song is okay.
Baseball Hall Of Fame Getting Depraved Urge To Induct Jose Canseco #~# COOPERSTOWN, NY—Despite being an emblematic figure of the darkest era in the sport’s history and an insufferable human being, Jose Canseco was under serious consideration this week for induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame, simply for the perverse thrill of bestowing the honor, sources confirmed Thursday. “Can you imagine the look on everyone’s face if we announced that? Fucking priceless,” Baseball Writers Association of America vice president Susan Slusser reportedly told colleagues at a recent meeting, before suggesting the removal of Lou Gehrig from the Hall to make room for an extra-large plaque befitting Canseco’s steroid-fueled frame. “Sure, he cheated by taking performance-enhancing drugs, but he hit 462 home runs and had 1,407 RBIs. Hell, we might as well put [Roger] Clemens and [Barry] Bonds in there too. There’s a fucking Hall of Fame class for you.” According to BBWAA members, the only thing holding them back from inducting Canseco was the prospect of spending an hour in the same room with the man, and living with themselves for decades to come.
Department Of 'Homeland' Urges All Americans To Watch This Week's Episode #~# WASHINGTON—In an urgent warning to the American public, the U.S. Department of Homeland advised citizens to take any and all measures necessary to avoid missing this week’s episode of the hit TV drama starring Claire Danes and Damian Lewis. “From 10 p.m. to 11 p.m. Sunday, it is absolutely imperative that you are secure and in your homes with the lights turned off and the television tuned to Showtime,” said U.S. Homeland Secretary Glenn Liston, addressing the public in an emergency broadcast carried by all major networks. “Based on screener discs we received earlier today, we are warning all U.S. residents: If you do not have Showtime, subscribe immediately. If you do have Showtime, lock your doors, kiss your kids good night, and prepare yourself for this tense and dramatic television event. We have heard credible Internet chatter indicating that what Saul has planned for Sgt. Brody simply can’t be missed.” Liston’s announcement was followed by a statement from the Secretary of Californication urging Americans to stay as far away from that Showtime program as possible.
U.S. May Pass Saudi Arabia As Top Oil Producer #~# Driven largely by high prices and new drilling technologies, domestic production of oil is now expanding at its fastest rate since 1951, leading many to project that the United States could overtake Saudi Arabia as the world’s largest producer within years. What do you think?
The Price Is Right #~# CBS
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation #~# HARTFORD, CT—Moving swiftly and discreetly like CIA field agents on some kind of black-ops mission to infiltrate a terrorist cell in a hostile country, coworkers of soon-to-be 29-year-old Catherine Greyson clandestinely passed a birthday card around the office of Rhodes Insurance Corp. on Friday, sources confirmed.
U.S. Sues Bank Of America For $1 Billion #~# The Justice Department has sued Bank of America for allegedly employing a scheme from 2007 to 2009 called “the Hustle,” through which it approved risky loans and sold them to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, ultimately costing taxpayers more than $1 billion. What do you think?
On David Stern Retiring As NBA Commissioner In 2014 #~# NBA commissioner David Stern announced Thursday he will step down from his post on Feb. 1, 2014, 30 years to the day after he began his tenure. What do you think?
Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation #~# From The Onion Book of Known Knowledge. Order Now: IndieBound | Amazon | Barnes & Noble
Cactus Scientists Recommend Drinking 8 Cups Of Water Per Year #~# WASHINGTON—A consortium of the nation’s leading cactus doctors issued a new set of guidelines Thursday recommending that Americans drink at least 8 cups of water per year to maintain proper hydration. “Studies have repeatedly shown that, in the face of 110-degree heat and intense exposure to the sun’s rays, the average adult requires a full 0.2 ounces of fluid each day,” said 15-foot giant saguaro cactus Dr. Bronson Prickle, who also suggested the nation cope with its current record-breaking drought by using a widespread root system and specialized waxy layer of skin to retain as much moisture as possible. “Furthermore, our research indicates that protecting oneself against desert herbivores is integral to longevity, and can be achieved by maintaining tough external spines and unpalatable, bitter flesh.” At press time, a nesting pygmy owl was peering from an opening in one of Dr. Prickle’s many arms.
I Mean, If I Lose To Mitt Romney, I'll Probably Kill Myself #~# Well, here we are. Less than two weeks left in my reelection bid, and the race is locked in a dead heat. Though I assumed it would be a somewhat close election, I guess I’d be lying if I said I thought that with 14 days to go I’d be in such a vulnerable position. Because, when it comes down to it, my opponent is Mitt Romney. I’m not exactly running against Dwight D. Eisenhower or Abraham Lincoln or even George H.W. Bush here, you know? I’m running against Mitt Romney—a guy who has made so many conflicting statements on so many different issues that the thought of losing to someone like that leaves me severely depressed, and makes me question if I’ve maybe wasted my entire life. Truth be told, if I do lose on Nov. 6, I think the odds are pretty good that I’ll kill myself.
Billionaire Gives $100 Million To Central Park #~# In what is thought to be the largest-ever donation to a public park, hedge fund manager John Paulson gave $100 million to the not-for-profit Central Park Conservancy, which maintains the 843-acre public space. What do you think?
God Distances Self From Christian Right #~# THE HEAVENS—Responding to inflammatory remarks made by Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock during a debate Tuesday night, Our Lord God the Almighty Father sought today to distance Himself from both Mourdock and the entire right-wing fundamentalist Christian movement, sources confirmed.
World Series 2012: Tigers vs. Giants #~# The Detroit Tigers and the San Francisco Giants face off in the World Series, vying for the 16th most important title in professional sports. Onion Sports looks at what each team must to do win.
Apple's Gag Division Unveils Sleekest Fake Dog Shit To Date #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the product’s new state-of-the art features and highly intuitive user interface, Apple’s gag division unveiled at a media event today the iDookie 4SE, which the tech giant describes as the sleekest, most advanced fake dog shit to date. “With this newest iDookie, we have created an ultrathin pile of novelty dog shit that provides the experience of a much larger imitative turd,” said Apple’s senior vice president of marketing Phil Schiller, referring to the 2.5-inch-thick, touch-operated piece of plastic dog feces as “a worthy addition” to Apple’s line of fake barf, whoopee cushions, and Wi-Fi-compatible squirting flowers. “Users simply place the iDookie on carpets, tables, laptops, or virtually anywhere, and then stand back and watch as unsuspecting passersby react with shock and surprise to the realistic-appearing dog doo. We at Apple are very excited to see this ‘must-have’ product in the hands of pranksters everywhere.” Schiller’s announcement was met with a thunderous standing ovation from those in attendance, all of whom announced their plans to lineup at Apple Stores weeks in advance for the fake dog shit.
'Mother Mary Was Essentially Raped,' Mourdock Says While Digging Self Into Deeper Hole #~# NEW ALBANY, IN—Defending his comment that a woman becoming pregnant from rape “is something God intended,” Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock dug himself into an even deeper hole today when he argued that, if you really stop to think about it, the Virgin Mary was basically raped by God. “Mary certainly didn’t ask for God to impregnate her with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but obviously the Immaculate Conception, while not the result of a consensual act, was still a part of God’s plan—you see what I’m getting at, right?” said the 61-year-old man who currently serves as the state treasurer of Indiana. “Of course I don’t condone sexual assault. I’m just saying that sometimes when a woman is violated and impregnated against her will, it’s actually a really good thing in the end, because God’s rape of Mary gave us Jesus, and Jesus saved mankind from sin. So that’s one example right there.” At press time, multiple male Senate candidates in their 60s remained divided between those who believe pregnancies resulting from rape are biologically impossible and those who believe they are the divine will of God.
WNBA Title Only Makes Indianapolis That Much More Bleak #~# INDIANAPOLIS—The Indiana Fever captured their first ever WNBA championship Sunday night with an 87-78 win over the Minnesota Lynx, an accomplishment that has reportedly only served to make the city of Indianapolis that much more miserable. “Jesus Christ, this joyless town really didn’t need this,” said Indianapolis native Rebecca Dynes, adding that the state’s capital city was depressing enough without anyone calling it the “home of the WNBA-champion Indiana Fever.” “On top of a famous race track, a nonexistent nightlife, and our sorry excuse for a skyline, now we have a WNBA title to be ashamed of too? Plus, you know it won’t be long before those pitiful victory boards start popping up next to every dismal highway.” At press time, city officials confirmed they had approved plans to rename a downtown street “Fever Boulevard.”
Founding Forks #~# Food
Senate Candidate: 'God Intended' Pregnancies From Rape #~# During a debate last night, Richard Mourdock, a Tea Party–backed Republican Senate candidate from Indiana, said that instances of impregnation due to rape are “something that God intended to happen.” What do you think?
Fact-Checking The Debates #~# The four presidential and vice presidential debates of the 2012 election season featured countless questionable or conflicting claims, giving the nation’s fact-checkers more than their fair share of work. Here are some of their key findings from the debates:
Trump Announces He's A Very Sad Man #~# NEW YORK—In a blockbuster announcement today, Donald Trump announced that he is a very sad man who has nothing to live for other than drawing attention to himself. "I'm a sad, pathetic human being and a complete waste of life," said Trump, adding that he lives an empty existence, and that he is nothing more than a corporate shill, as well as a failed husband, father, and human being. "I am the piece of shit you stepped in on your way to work. I am the vomit that hurls out of your mouth when you are sick. I want to kill myself very badly. Thank you." Trump then slit his throat from ear to ear.
Monster Energy Drink Cited In 5 Deaths #~# Reports of five deaths said to be related to Monster Energy Drink—including a Maryland teen who died of caffeine-induced cardiac arrhythmia after consuming two 24-ounce beverages in a 24-hour period—has prompted an FDA investigation. What do you think?
Latest Study Finds Cancer Cells Now Cruelly Mocking Researchers #~# ROCHESTER, MN—Stating that cancer cells are now “laughing in our fucking faces,” a new Mayo Clinic study with widespread implications for the treatment and potential cure of the disease has found that the malignant growths have begun cruelly mocking researchers. 

On The Marlins Firing Ozzie Guillen #~# The Miami Marlins fired manager Ozzie Guillen on Tuesday following a disappointing 69-93 season in which his team failed to live up to the hype of its new ballpark and All-Star-laden roster. What do you think?
Coworker Hastily Leaves Break Room To Avoid 'Here Comes The Boom' Spoilers #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Determined to remain insulated from all major and minor plot points until this weekend, file clerk Grant Hollis rushed from Midwest Publishing’s employee break room Monday at the first mention of the 2012 comedy film Here Comes The Boom. “Everyone around here has already watched Here Comes The Boom, it’s all they’re talking about, and I really don’t want any part of the movie ruined before I see it,” said Hollis, who bolted from the room with his hands over his ears the moment conversation turned to the Kevin James vehicle. “I wouldn’t even let myself watch the trailer. I just want to sit down and be surprised.” At press time, this reporter hasn’t seen Here Comes The Boom, but it’s pretty safe to say that Kevin James saves the goddamn school at the end.
Apple Unveils iPad Mini #~# At a press event today, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iPad Mini, a 7.9-inch version of its popular iPad tablet that features an ultrathin, light design and is intended to compete with smaller e-readers such as the Kindle Fire and Google Nexus 7. What do you think?
Entire Nation Now Undecided After 4 Debates #~# WASHINGTON—Following the completion of three presidential debates and one vice presidential debate, a nationwide Gallup tracking poll conducted this morning has found that all registered voters in the United States now consider themselves undecided in the upcoming election.
This Last Story Ever Written About Cycling #~# AIGLE, SWITZERLAND —In the wake of overwhelming allegations that he engaged in illegal doping throughout the course of his professional career, cyclist Lance Armstrong was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles Monday, effectively making this article the last story ever written about the sport of cycling.
Boys Now Entering Puberty Younger #~# On the heels of research showing that some American girls are beginning puberty as young as 7 or 8 years of age, a new study suggests that boys are maturing 6 to 24 months earlier than they were four decades ago, though the cause remains unknown. What do you think?
Top 10 Best-Selling Books — Week Of October 23, 2012 #~# This week's 10 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Obama Takes Out Romney With Mid-Debate Drone Attack #~# BOCA RATON, FL—Saying that the high-value target represented a major threat to their most vital objectives, Obama administration officials confirmed tonight that former governor Mitt Romney was killed by a predator drone while attending a presidential debate at Lynn University.
Romney Delivers Stern Warning To China, Speaking Directly Into The Camera In Fluent Mandarin #~# BOCA RATON, FL—After asserting during Monday’s foreign policy debate that Americans needed a president who would “finally stand up to China,” Republican nominee Mitt Romney responded to a question on international trade by looking intently into the television camera and addressing Beijing’s leaders in their native language. “As president, I will crack down on China, and I’d like to make one thing clear to President Hu [Jintao] right now,” the candidate said before locking his gaze on the camera and issuing a stern set of remarks in perfectly accented Mandarin.  Jabbing a finger at the camera as he concluded his statement, Romney held his firm, unbroken glare for several seconds before tersely ordering debate moderator Bob Schieffer to move on to the next question.
Weeping Obama Breaks Down, Admits Bin Laden Still Alive And Out There Somewhere #~# BOCA RATON, FL—In a stunning admission during tonight’s foreign policy debate, President Barack Obama broke down in tears and announced that Osama bin Laden was not killed by a U.S. special operations team last year, is in fact still on the loose, and remains a major threat to the safety of all Americans.
Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America #~# BOCA RATON, FL—During tonight’s presidential debate on international issues, Republican candidate Mitt Romney vowed to halt all of the Obama administration’s foreign policy measures and replace them with new jobs for American workers. “You see, we have all these diplomatic relationships with countries in Europe and Asia; my plan is to take all of that and convert it into more than 500,000 manufacturing jobs for out-of-work folks right here in Florida and across the nation,” said Romney, adding that eliminating high-level talks with China and Iran alone could help more than 3 million unemployed workers get the education they need to thrive in America’s new, foreign-policy-free economy. “Meanwhile, President Obama plans to keep foreign policy. He doesn’t understand that you can get rid of the diplomatic philosophy of a nation—all these doctrines that guide its interactions with state and nonstate actors—and reinvest it in America’s small businesses. That’s what grows the economy—not foreign policy.” When asked by moderator Bob Schieffer if the U.S. should intervene in the ongoing conflict in Syria, Romney promised to lower taxes and close loopholes in deductions.
Both Candidates Announcing Unmitigated Support For Eugenics Virtually Only Way Tonight's Debate Will Matter At All #~# BOCA RATON, FL—Citing the continuous regurgitation of the same campaign talking points and the media’s exhaustion of almost every conceivable sound bite, political analysts confirmed that the only way tonight’s presidential debate will matter at all is if both candidates enthusiastically endorse a mandatory national eugenics program.
Romney Blimp Makes Emergency Landing #~# While flying over Boca Raton, FL yesterday ahead of the final presidential debate, a blimp bearing the likeness of the Republican presidential nominee and the phrase “America Needs Romney” was forced by high winds to make an emergency landing. What do you think?
How The States Got Their Shapes #~# History
Romney Foreign Policy Debate Prep In Crisis Mode After Discovering Existence Of Country Called 'Womania' #~# BOCA RATON, FL—Sources within the Romney campaign said the candidate’s preparation for tonight’s foreign policy debate with President Barack Obama went into crisis mode this morning after aides discovered the existence of the Eastern European nation of Womania.
RomneyLabs Concocts 'Doomsday Zinger' Capable Of Swinging Any Debate, However Lopsided #~# BELMONT, MA—In preparation for tonight’s third and final presidential debate, the microbiologists, chemists, and physicists employed at RomneyLabs confirmed Monday that they had completed their work on the “Doomsday Zinger,” an extremely radioactive quip capable of shifting the momentum of any debate, regardless of who is winning.
Government Offers $50,000 To Stop Robocalls #~# Citing thousands of monthly complaints about robocalls, the Federal Trade Commission has offered a $50,000 award to anyone who devises a technology to block illegal automated telemarketing calls while leaving legitimate calls unaffected. What do you think?
Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs #~# Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs were married at sunset Saturday on a  picturesque Hawaiian beach inside Chelsea's head, while the rest of her  body was at the actual ceremony near the seventh hole of the golf club  Robert's dad belongs to.
Ravens vs. Texans #~# The Ravens battle the Texans in a game that most of the players will have no recollection of the next day.
Romney Stands Behind Ryan To Show Good Campaigning Stance #~# COLUMBUS, OH—In order to demonstrate proper campaign posture, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stood behind running mate Paul Ryan on Saturday and gently guided the younger man’s hips and elbows into an ideal speaking stance, sources confirmed. “There you go…just let the speech flow from here,” Romney reportedly said while patting Ryan’s abdomen and resting his chin on his shoulder as he maneuvered the Wisconsin congressman’s shoulders into a more confident position, his strong but soft hands gradually plying the naive representative’s frame into that of a master statesman. “You're doing terrific,” whispered the former Massachusetts governor as his right ear lightly brushed against Ryan’s cheek. “You’re a natural.” At press time, the candidates’ eyes had met, their gaze holding for upwards of 20 seconds.
Ravens Already Dreading Ray Lewis Constantly Being On Sideline For Rest Of Season #~# HOUSTON—With Ray Lewis on injured reserve after suffering a torn triceps, Baltimore Ravens players and coaches confirmed Sunday that they were dreading the loud, outspoken linebacker’s constant presence on the sideline for the rest of the season. “Oh, God, that’s going to be so awful when he’s around all the time,” said Ravens head coach John Harbaugh, adding that it made him cringe to think of Lewis incessantly screaming criticism, support, and advice at everyone on the sideline. “Knowing Ray, he’ll be shouting nonstop and never shut the hell up. I like it when he’s on the field, because then you get a nice break from him.” At press time, a group of Ravens players had reportedly gathered to pray for Ray Lewis to die.
NFL Still Removing Confused Replacement Referees From Replay Booths #~# NEW YORK—Nearly a month after the end of the referee lockout, the NFL is still struggling to remove frightened and confused replacement officials from replay booths, league sources confirmed Monday. “Every time I enter the booth, I find a couple bewildered replacement refs inside, skittishly bumping into each other and all the equipment,” crew chief Ed Hochuli said. “I swear I took one guy out of there twice. He didn’t seem to understand the words ‘get out of here,’ so I had to go get a broom to scare him off.” Hochuli confirmed that he found one replacement referee covered in blood from repeatedly attempting to exit the booth through the replay monitor.
'I Feel Your Pain,' Romney Tells Campaign Rally Attendees Who Make $20 Million A Year #~# INDIAN HILL, OH—As he continues to tout his plan to fix the economy and “make things right,” presidential nominee Mitt Romney delivered a heartfelt address to wealthy rally attendees Monday, telling those who make more than $20 million per year that he “feels [their] pain” and can relate to their struggles.
Boy Scouts Release Sex-Abuse Documents #~# The Boy Scouts of America released 14,500 pages of so-called “perversion files,” which include details of child molestation at the hands of scoutmasters between 1959 and 1985, and reveal that more than a third of such instances were not reported to police. What do you think?
Paramedics Rush To Revive God Following Latest Suicide Attempt #~# LAS VEGAS—Clark County paramedics responded Thursday to a frantic 911 call from an Econo Lodge motel where the Lord Our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, was found naked and unconscious following an unsuccessful suicide attempt, the third such incident in recent years.
Heightened League Awareness Prompts B.J. Raji To Schedule Breast Exam #~# GREEN BAY, WI—The NFL’s highly visible efforts to support Breast Cancer Awareness Month succeeded this week in motivating Green Bay nose tackle B.J. Raji to schedule an appointment with Packers doctors to receive a mammogram, team sources confirmed Thursday. “This is a very serious deal, and you can’t get this stuff checked out too soon,” said Raji, who had just administered a breast self-examination in the team’s locker room while encouraging defensive end Ryan Pickett to do the same. “It’s important to get to know how your breasts normally look and feel. I have to check myself as often and carefully as possible, because pretty much my whole body is lumps.” Raji, who has recently become more concerned about his health, also asked team doctors to perform a cervical screening.
New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Died In Cretaceous Period Hospice #~# LAWRENCE, KS—After studying a rich fossil bed in the South Dakota plains, paleontologists from the University of Kansas have confirmed that most Cretaceous Period dinosaurs ultimately died in hospice care. “We’ve uncovered a number of fossils of elderly Tyrannosaurus Rexes and Troodons more or less seated in makeshift wheelchairs and covered in shawls,” Professor Meredith Moreschi told reporters Friday, adding that once dinosaurs were too old to take care of themselves, they were loaded onto the back of a triceratops and carried to an assisted living facility where they could be looked after by a trained staff of anklyosaurs. “We also found evidence of older, dementia-suffering velociraptors wandering off and being led back to the facility by stegosauruses, who essentially served as night nurses.” Moreschi added that specific groupings of other fossils in the area indicated that younger dinosaurs didn’t visit the older ones nearly as often as they could have.
The Onion Endorses John Edwards For President #~# Choosing who should be entrusted to lead our nation’s government is not a responsibility that should be taken lightly, and never has that maxim been truer than in this current election cycle. Our economy is stagnant, our culture is dangerously stratified, and our way of life is threatened by a host of dangers both foreign and domestic. In this newspaper’s more than two centuries of covering the national scene, few moments in history have felt more crucial or, indeed, perilous.
'Onion Book Of Known Knowledge' Contains Cure For HIV #~# MACAO, CHINA—According to sources from the Zweibel Center for Knowledge Studies, The Onion’s new encyclopedia, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge, contains the cure for the human immunodeficiency virus and, ultimately, AIDS. “If an HIV patient turns to page 106 of this magnificent tome and licks the page from top to bottom, a chemical reaction will occur inside the body that restores cell-mediated immunity and destroys the virus forever,” said Dr. Han Soo Jong-Zweibel, leader of the Onion Book Of Known Knowledge’s microbiology team, later adding that even people who do not suffer from the illness should purchase it immediately because it can also be used as an HIV vaccine. “In addition to curing HIV, the book can treat the most advanced stages of pancreatic cancer, end world hunger, fix a loveless marriage, alleviate lower back pain, create lasting peace in the Middle East, and endow its owner with unending happiness.” Dr. Jong-Zweibel told reporters that if The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is not a worldwide bestseller, all the planet’s inhabitants will burn in hell, and deservedly so.
Cancer-Stricken Chuck Pagano Annoyed Colts Couldn't Win Second Game For Him #~# INDIANAPOLIS—One week after the Colts upset the Green Bay Packers in his honor, leukemia-stricken head coach Chuck Pagano was reportedly annoyed after they lost 35-9 to the New York Jets on Sunday, expressing frustration over his team failing to win a second game for him.
Bloomberg Forms Super PAC #~# Billionaire New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is using his own money to form a super PAC that will run ads for congressional, state, and local candidates from both parties who support gay marriage, tighter gun laws, and school reform. What do you think?
Gamecocks Fan Surprised To Hear That Team Represents a College #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Speaking with reporters, Columbia resident Mike Wegley, 34, expressed astonishment Saturday upon learning that his favorite football team, the Gamecocks, is in fact a group of amateurs representing the University of South Carolina. “Huh. Really? They’re like a college team?” said Wegley, who mentioned that he has attended numerous Gamecocks home games over the past several years without once suspecting that the team was affiliated with an academic institution. “I guess I always assumed they were a local semi-pro team, or maybe an NFL farm program or something. Honestly, it never crossed my mind that the Gamecocks might be in any way involved with higher learning.” Wegley said he was equally surprised to discover the Carolina Panthers are a professional franchise and not, as he had thought, a high school’s junior varsity squad.
CDC Announces Americans Should Make Plans To Say Goodbye To Loved Ones #~# ATLANTA—During a brief, impromptu press conference at the agency’s headquarters this morning, Centers For Disease Control director Dr. Thomas Frieden announced that Americans should start making plans to say goodbye to loved ones right away. “Citizens are advised to bid farewell to parents, children, and any other friends or family they haven’t seen in a while,” Frieden told reporters, adding that if you live anywhere in the Northeast, you should definitely call within the next 48 hours, if not by tonight. “If you have any unresolved emotional issues with any family member whatsoever, now is the time to work those out—I mean right now, because there will not be another chance. You don’t want any regrets.” Concluding his statement to the American public, Frieden said, “Dad, I love you. And I’m so sorry you never really got to know your grandson.”
Seahawks vs. 49ers #~# The 49ers host the Seahawks, frantically looking for more chairs and preparing their guests’ favorite meal. Onion Sports looks at what each team must do to win.
Man Arrested In Federal Reserve Bomb Plot #~# A 21-year-old Bangladeshi man who allegedly claimed ties to al-Qaeda has been accused of attempting to blow up the Federal Reserve Bank in Lower Manhattan with a van full of inoperable explosives supplied to him by undercover agents. What do you think?
Thriving 'Onion' Puts Another Print Edition Out Of Business #~# NEW YORK—Citing the publication’s ongoing struggle to compete in an industry long-dominated by thriving daily newspaper The Onion, officials from Newsweek magazine announced Thursday that they would cease print distribution at the end of the year, a move that makes their periodical the latest to succumb to the financial and editorial supremacy of America’s Finest News Source. “Newsweek has always endeavored to evolve and adapt in today’s challenging media landscape, but there is only so much you can do when you are in the same market as The Onion;  readers eventually see how redundant and useless you are by comparison, and notice how inferior your journalism actually is,” Newsweek editor-in-chief Tina Brown said in a statement, adding that she prefers to get her news from The Onion, has applied for numerous jobs there over the years, and knows her applications have never made it past human resources because “I am simply not good enough to work there.” “In the past year alone, The Onion has expanded its print distribution to all 196 countries, generating untold profits in print advertising and bringing its total circulation to upwards of 3 billion. The print industry as a whole is facing an uphill battle when it comes to competing with The Onion, and that’s something we’ve had to accept today.” When reached for comment, The Onion’s publisher emeritus T. Herman Zweibel said, “It comes as little surprise to me that a news publication administered by the likes of a woman has failed. Good day.”
Bruce Springsteen Accidentally Plays 'Big Government's Stealin' Our Livelihood' At Obama Rally #~# PARMA, OH—While performing at a campaign rally for President Barack Obama on Thursday, rock icon Bruce Springsteen reportedly failed to fire up the largely working-class audience when he accidentally played an acoustic ballad titled “Big Government’s Stealin’ Our Livelihood.” “Can’t ever feed the appetite of Uncle Sam / Stealin’ half my paycheck out of my hand,” crooned Springsteen, unintentionally alienating the bemused crowd with brazenly pro-market and anti-union lyrics that detail the struggles of a small business owner named Mikey who is forced to declare bankruptcy due to a weak economy plagued by industry overregulation. “Green energy subsidies unfair / The middle class ain’t going nowhere / ’Cause that big ol’ government stole our livelihood again.” According to sources, the New Jersey–bred singer-songwriter only compounded his mistake by following up with the fast-paced rocker “One Man, One Woman.”
Study: Human Imagination Capable Of Magnificent Things During Masturbation #~# PRINCETON, NJ—According to a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, the human brain is capable of wondrous, awe-inspiring things while an individual is masturbating.
Concussed Sidney Crosby Makes Rambling Appeal To End NHL Labor Dispute #~# NEW YORK—As labor negotiations continue between the league and players’ union, a severely concussed Sidney Crosby reportedly made a rambling, largely incoherent appeal to team owners Thursday to end the NHL lockout. “We have to get back out there by September for all the fans in Pittsbell [sic] and before Stanley,” said the Pittsburgh Penguins star, who reportedly trailed off in the middle of several sentences and at one point began bleeding from his left ear. “I want to score the cup, and why can’t we that? Not without the airplane on the bus. We need to get the pucks, because of ketchup in—after the movie.” Sources confirmed that Crosby then stared silently at the floor for several minutes before suddenly looking up and asking who he was.
Elena Lee and Frank Korda #~# Elena Lee and Frank Korda announced their engagement after discovering that they both deeply desired fried hors d’oeuvres, legitimate sex, and a gift-wrapped cake stand.
Americans' Cholesterol Levels Fall #~# A new study has found that despite an increase in obesity, Americans have seen their cholesterol levels fall significantly since the late 1980s, possibly as a result of eating fewer trans fats and taking drugs such as Lipitor. What do you think?
Would A Man Who Doesn't Support Women Let His Wife Pick Out Any Oven She Wants For Her Birthday? #~# During last night’s town hall debate at Hofstra University, my opponent Mr. Obama made a number of false accusations about my political positions, but none more egregious than his claim that my policies are in some way a threat to American women. As he has throughout this long campaign season, the president charged that I’m not advocating enough for women’s rights, that I’m ignoring the needs of hardworking mothers and daughters—in short, a litany of lies designed to convince undecided voters that I’m woefully indifferent to the needs of this country’s women.
Debate Gives ESPN Executive Awesome Idea For Show In Which White Guy, Black Guy Ignore Timers And Yell At Each Other #~# BRISTOL, CT—Explaining that the premise was directly inspired by last night’s presidential debate, ESPN executive vice president John Walsh told reporters Wednesday about his brand-new idea for a live TV show in which a black man and a white man furiously talk over each other while ignoring a countdown timer. “My idea is this: We give the black guy and the white guy a list of topics they’ll need to discuss during the show, and just like last night’s debate, they can just go off on each other with zero regard for the two-minute clock we’ll put on the screen,” said Walsh, explaining that the timer’s only purpose will be to elevate the tension when the men continue speaking after it hits zero. “The vehement black man and the vehement white man will have such big personalities, and think their ideas are so important, that nobody will be able to stop them from speaking, not even this one guy who I’m imagining hangs off to the side and occasionally tells them what they got wrong.” After watching some more election coverage, Walsh reportedly began sketching plans for a feature on ESPN.com that would allow people to cast meaningless votes on issues they know very little about.
Earthquake Rattles New England #~# A rare 4.0 earthquake centered in Maine shook much of New England, including the Boston metro area, for several seconds yesterday evening, though no reports of damage were recorded. What do you think?
Maria DeLouise and Martin Scholls #~# Maria DeLouise and Martin Scholls’ plan to stand near a couple being married in a local park so they could wed for free totally worked.
Candlelight Vigilante Takes Commemorating Into Own Hands #~# PORTLAND, OR—The mysterious “Candlelight Vigilante,” a rogue mourner known for appearing alone in parks and town squares, lighting a single candle, and commemorating loss on his own terms, made his first public statement Tuesday night, speaking to reporters from a pay phone. “Sometimes, when the system fails to grieve properly, a man has to take mourning into his own hands,” said the notorious one-man memorializer, a stoic gravitas entering his voice as he broke a long-held moment of silence. “I commemorate where others don’t. If there’s a church, synagogue, or hospital parking lot in need of a public outpouring of respectful concern, I’ll be there. Nobody—not a community organizer or local pastor—tells me when to pay solemn tribute.” At press time, witnesses reported the Candlelight Vigilante had appeared suddenly along the shoulder of a highway, removed an elaborate floral display from a military duffel, and placed it along the roadside before quickly disappearing back into the shadows.
Town Hall Attendees Still Standing Patiently Waiting For Their Questions To Be Answered #~# HEMPSTEAD, NY—More than 15 hours after the conclusion of the second presidential debate, sources confirmed members of the town-hall audience who asked questions last night are still standing in the now-empty hall at Hofstra University, note cards in hand, patiently waiting for the candidates to actually provide them with answers. “President Obama, during the Democratic National Convention in 2008, you stated you wanted to keep AK-47s out of the hands of criminals. What has your administration done or planned to do to limit the availability of assault weapons?” said debate attendee Nina Gonzalez, who asked her question almost one day ago, has yet to receive a straight answer, and, along with 10 other audience members, told reporters she is hoping Obama and Mitt Romney return to Long Island at some point to address her topic of concern as opposed to talking about something else entirely. At press time, the audience members were reportedly all still standing there, waiting.
Tearful Mitt Romney Announces He Has Rare Disease Where You Can't Sit Quietly On Stool When Repeatedly Asked To #~# HEMPSTEAD, NY—Highly emotional in the wake of last night’s town-hall-style debate, a tearful Mitt Romney called a press conference this morning to “come clean” about having a rare, little-understood disease known as Shuttlesworth Syndrome, a condition that prevents its victims from sitting quietly on stools anytime they are repeatedly told to do so. “As a sufferer of this rare disorder, being told to sit down and shut up—particularly when a stool is involved—only provokes in my central nervous system a violent overreaction that forces me to behave in the exact opposite manner,” Romney told reporters, his voice cracking with emotion as he revealed his secret to the world. “Without meaning to, I reflexively stand up, stride forward, and continue trying to speak—doing so even, and especially, when one or more people are instructing me to stop talking immediately and go back to my stool. It is a truly debilitating condition that I have battled all my life.” Romney said additional symptoms of the syndrome include an inability to maintain a convincing human smile, inexplicable reversals of previously stated policy positions, and an impaired ability to chuckle without sounding like a deranged maniac.
Spielberg Panics, Adds Comical Groin Injuries To 'Lincoln' #~# LOS ANGELES—Growing nervous after watching a rough cut of his upcoming biopic Lincoln, director Steven Spielberg reportedly re-edited the entire film in a bout of panic, inserting a recurring gag that involves the 16th president repeatedly suffering injuries to the groin. “Steven realized that given the brutal scenes of slavery, the horrific Civil War battles, and an ending in which the hero is killed in cold blood, his movie might benefit from a little comic relief,” said a source at DreamWorks Pictures, adding that the film includes a “hilarious” rail-splitting scene in which an ax head flies off its handle and hits the Great Emancipator squarely in the genitals, as well as a humorous mishap that causes Lincoln to open the Gettysburg Address with the words “Four score and seven years agooOOOWWW!” “We spent about a week shooting pickup footage, and Daniel Day-Lewis got so into character he would improvise taking-it-in-the-nuts routines that weren’t even in the script. He even had an assistant kick him in the balls between takes just so he could keep himself in the same frame of mind Lincoln would have been in at the time.” Reports from early screenings indicate overwhelming audience approval of the film’s new ending, in which John Wilkes Booth shoots Lincoln, screams “Sic semper tyrannis!” and leaps from the Ford’s Theatre balcony only to land crotch-first on an iron handrail.
Supreme Court Begins Landmark Session #~# Back in session this month, the U.S. Supreme Court faces a docket that may result in numerous landmark rulings. Here are some of the potentially historic cases the justices will decide:   
Scotland May Secede From U.K. In 2014 #~# Scottish nationalist leaders and British Prime Minister David Cameron have agreed to terms on an independence referendum that will allow the people of Scotland to vote in 2014 on whether to end their 305-year union with England. What do you think?
Millions Head To Internet To Figure Out Their Own Opinions About Debate #~# NEW YORK—Following tonight’s debate between President Barack Obama and Republican challenger Mitt Romney, millions of Americans took to the Internet to read the views and responses of others so that they themselves could ultimately figure out how they felt about the candidates’ performances. “I need to see what complete and total strangers are saying on Twitter and Facebook, read what the political pundits on CNN.com are writing, and then maybe I can reach my own conclusion about the debate I just watched,” said Raleigh, NC resident Jarrod Kakofski, adding that while he has a “gut feeling” about who won the contest, he would rather see if those thoughts are supported by political analysts and other online commentators “just in case [his] opinion ends up being wrong.” “I won’t be able to offer any ideas about the candidates’ policy proposals, body language, or overall relatability until I get online and am told which person I was supposed to like most.” Viewers nationwide also confirmed they would need to consult The Huffington Post before deciding what they thought about the performance of debate moderator Candy Crowley.
Debate Cut Short As Lantern Fire Burns Down Ol' Town Hall #~# HEMPSTEAD, NY—A time-honored tradition ended in calamity tonight when, less than an hour after presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama gathered together in the town of Hempstead, NY to debate their political views before villagers, a lantern tipped over and set fire to the ol’ Town Hall.
Romney To Town Hall Audience: 'I Own Horses And Care For Them, And You Are All Like Horses' #~# HEMPSTEAD, NY—In an apparent attempt to demonstrate empathy for everyday working Americans, GOP candidate Mitt Romney likened the audience at the town hall debate Tuesday to the many horses he owns and cares for, saying that, in a way, the majority of the American people are like helpless stable animals. “The horses I own, especially the ones who specialize in dressage, need constant attention because they are unable to care for themselves, much like all of you,” said Romney, adding that to the extent that horses aren’t the smartest animals out there, average Americans “aren’t that bright either.” “See, if I didn’t buy my horses and train them, they would be roaming around a some field somewhere, lacking any sort of direction. They wouldn’t know there is a better, more fulfilling life for them out there in which I am their owner and master. So what I’m saying is, let me buy you, and everything will be better.” To further the analogy, Romney said that when Americans get sick or break a leg, they should be shot.
Nation's Ever So Malleable Simpletons Fluttering Between Candidates Like Shuttlecocks Through Every Moment Of Debate #~# WASHINGTON—With their mouths agape and their glassy eyes fixed upon tonight’s televised presidential debate, the nation’s ever so suggestible dullards are currently fluttering to and fro like feathered shuttlecocks between candidates Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, sources have confirmed. “Well, I was planning on supporting Obama after he talked about his plan to create more manufacturing jobs, but then Romney said he would reduce our dependence on foreign oil, and that actually sounds better,” said 32-year-old Wilbur Pruett, one of the millions of gullible, weak-brained imbeciles gingerly batted back and forth between two possible voting options as though propelled by the tensile force of an ultralight stringed racquet. “Then again, Obama did just say that Romney’s plan is bad for the middle class, so who knows? They just both seem right and wrong in so many ways.” Reports suggested the nation’s utter simpletons will hover just so, in a gentle, suspended arc, until such time as they land on whichever candidate the man on the radio tells them to land on.
Romney Tells Heartbreaking Lie About Single Mother Of 4 He Never Met #~# HEMPSTEAD, NY—In response to a question on unemployment asked during tonight’s town-hall-style debate, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney shared a touching and poignant lie about meeting a struggling single mother of four on the campaign trail. “Just the other day I was in Richmond, VA, and a young woman named Sarah walked up to me and told me she had just lost her job and was finding it harder and harder to put food on the table for her kids,” Romney said of the woman he has never actually met because she does not exist. “She said to me, ‘Mitt, I just can’t survive another four years of high taxes and out-of-control government spending under President Obama.’ Well, Sarah, if you’re watching tonight, I want you to know that under my watch, we will reduce the tax burden on Americans, bring back jobs, and make sure everyone has a chance to be successful.” Sources confirmed the debate audience was also moved by another completely fabricated story in which Romney spoke of an elderly woman in Ohio who isn’t real and who tearfully explained that she just wants to make her own choices about health care.
Everyone In Town Hall Debate Audience Has Spouse Who Lost Health Insurance And Is Dying Of Cancer #~# HEMPSTEAD, NY—According to reports from Tuesday’s presidential debate at Hofstra University, every member of the town hall audience has a spouse who is battling late-stage cancer, the treatment for which they cannot afford because all of them have lost their health insurance within the past year. “My name is Marjorie Cochran, and my husband Robert was diagnosed with stage IV lymphoma just days after being dropped by his HMO,” said an audience member, who, like the individuals seated to her left, right, front, and back, has been laid off from her job, is worried she won’t be able to afford to send her daughter to college, owns a home that has gone into foreclosure, lives in a school district that has enacted painful budget cuts, and has a child currently serving in Afghanistan. “My question to you is, how can I afford the life-saving procedures and medication my husband needs, considering I’m just barely able to keep my small business afloat in this terrible economic climate? Thank you.” Cochran, along with every other attendee at the David S. Mack Sports and Exhibition Complex, then nodded in solemn agreement when a woman asked a follow-up question about how the candidates expected her to support her young child with special needs on a single salary.
First Question From Debate Audience Somehow Comes From Paul Ryan #~# HEMPSTEAD, NY—Following the opening statements by President Barack Obama and challenger Mitt Romney during tonight’s town-hall-style debate, the first question asked by an audience member somehow managed to come from Republican vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan.
Nation Tunes In To See Which Sociopath More Likable This Time #~# HEMPSTEAD, NY—According to reports, millions of viewers across the country are expected to tune in to tonight’s town-hall-style presidential debate at Hofstra University in order to determine which complete and utter sociopath they find more likable this time around.
Savvy Man Registers 'Sleepy Romney' Twitter Account Just In Case Candidate Looks Tired #~# EUGENE, OR—Ingenious, quick-thinking local man Pete Sidell, 29, demonstrated his uncanny cultural savviness today by registering a “Sleepy Romney” Twitter account he can use to parody Mitt Romney if the GOP candidate appears tired at any point during tonight’s presidential debate. “If he yawns even for a second, or rubs his eyes a bunch, this thing is gonna blow up,” said Sidell, who told reporters the first tweet from the “Sleepy Romney” account would most likely read “zzzzzzzzz.” “I could do a screen-cap of him looking sleepy and make that the avatar. And then tweet funny phrases like ‘Paul R-Yawn.’ People will retweet it and it will become a meme and I’ll get a ton of followers.” Sidell claimed that if Romney did not appear tired tonight, he could just find a picture of the former Massachusetts governor blinking, use that, and “hope it takes off.”
Ross Perot Endorses Romney #~# Saying the nation “can’t afford” a second term under President Obama, 82-year-old Texas billionaire H. Ross Perot, who unsuccessfully ran for president in 1992 and 1996, endorsed Mitt Romney in a Des Moines Register op-ed Tuesday. What do you think?
Okay, Let's Cut To The Chase—Which People Do I Know Who You Also Know Who Went To Your School? #~# Hi, hello, nice to meet you, let’s get down to business. You say you went to Boston College.  Now, this is what’s going to happen: I am going to tell you all of the people I know who went to Boston College, and then you are going to tell me if you also know them, because it will be interesting if you and I know similar people. Make sense? Great.
Whales Beach Selves In Attempt To Purchase 'The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge' #~# LOS ANGELES—With the release of the breathtakingly comprehensive and awe-inspiring encyclopedia The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge now exactly one week away, sources near the world’s coastlines have reported seeing whales beach themselves en masse in a desperate attempt to purchase the forthcoming book. “All across the world, we’re seeing thousands of blue whales, killer whales, sperm whales, and pilot whales deliberately washing themselves ashore in order to reach a bookstore and purchase, at any cost, The Onion’s all-new and absolutely essential book,” said local marine biologist Dr. Mark Buhler, who added that many of the large aquatic mammals were also attempting to crawl toward the nearest computer to preorder the magnificent tome, which collects all of the world’s accumulated knowledge. “It seems these cetaceans are all willing to risk dehydration and even death just to catch a glimpse of this breathtaking volume of facts, illustrations, and scholarship. It’s remarkable.” At press time, eyewitnesses reported that millions of birds had also begun to fly in circles above bookstores across the nation in anticipation of the book’s Oct. 23 release date.
On The Ravens Losing Ray Lewis And Lardarius Webb To Injury #~# The AFC North–leading Baltimore Ravens were dealt a harsh blow Monday when defensive stars LB Ray Lewis (torn triceps) and CB Lardarius Webb (torn ACL) were ruled out for the rest of the season. What do you think?
Area Man On Personal Mission To Explain Why Universally Enjoyed Things Are Bad #~# RICHMOND, VA—Describing it as “his life’s calling,” local man Gary Lerner, 31, revealed Thursday that he is on a personal quest to enlighten the world about why things everybody enjoys are actually bad.
America Ends Love Affair With McKayla Maroney After Finding Out She’s 16 #~# WASHINGTON—Just two months after the close of the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, the nation’s love affair with gold-medal-winning gymnast McKayla Maroney came to an abrupt end Tuesday after Americans discovered she is only 16 years old. “Whoa,” 31-year-old Greg Adamko said upon learning that Maroney was born in 1995, adding that he “totally thought she was at least 19.” “I mean, it’s not like I ever—Jesus Christ, 16? Are you sure? Shit.” At press time, sources confirmed that citizens across the country were quickly deleting their Internet histories.
Robotic Suit Could Help Paraplegics Walk #~# According to its NASA creators, a 57-pound robotic exoskeleton developed to keep astronauts fit on a possible future mission to Mars could also be used on Earth to give paraplegics the ability to walk again by assisting movements and keeping the wearer stable. What do you think?
Obama Excited To Participate In First Debate #~# WASHINGTON—Saying he was excited to “finally get out there” and defend his policies in front of the entire nation, President Barack Obama told reporters he was energized and eager to participate in his first debate of the 2012 election cycle Tuesday night.
Polls Reveal, Essentially, Nothing #~# WASHINGTON—A slew of recently released polls from the nation’s top public opinion firms have revealed, well, essentially nothing about the 2012 presidential race, sources confirmed Monday. Conducted by Ipsos, Gallup, Public Policy Polling, and Rasmussen, the pretty much meaningless polls reportedly offered no deep insight into any key demographic in the United States and, when it comes down to it, were all basically pointless and a waste of everyone’s time. In addition, a CBS News/New York Times poll and an ABC News/Washington Post poll both showed essentially the same thing because, well, if the two polls are ultimately nothing more than ephemera, officials said, then there really isn’t much difference between the hollow findings of one and the other, now, is there? Moreover, a CNN Poll of Polls confirmed nothing concrete except for the fact that 100 percent of people who clicked on the headline linking to the poll’s results will never get back the three minutes of their lives they spent reading about nothing.
'The Onion' Wins Nobel Prize #~# STOCKHOLM—American newspaper The Onion received a Nobel Prize this week in the category of Overall Excellence. The award, which marks the 12th time The Onion has been honored as a Nobel laureate, was presented in recognition of what the prize committee called “[The Onion’s] massive and enduring contribution to overall excellence in all fields.” The Onion has previously received Nobel Prizes in categories such as economics, literature, and medicine. At press time, Onion publisher T. Herman Zweibel had no comment.
European Union Wins Nobel Peace Prize #~# Still suffering from an economic crisis that has stirred social unrest and threatened to tear apart the eurozone, the 27-state European Union received this year’s Nobel Peace Prize in recognition of its contributions to democracy, peace, and human rights. What do you think?
Gary Bettman Surprised By Popularity Of NHL Lockout #~# NEW YORK—As labor talks between team owners and the NHL Players’ Association enter their fifth straight week, league commissioner Gary Bettman announced Monday that he has been “blown away” by the ongoing lockout’s immense popularity. “There’s just a buzz about hockey right now that I don’t think we’ve ever seen before,” said Bettman, adding that the outpouring of support he has received for the continuing lack of NHL games has been “incredibly touching.” “We get calls every single day from people who are begging us to keep this thing going. People just can’t wait to see more regular season hockey games canceled. Frankly, this is the best thing that has ever happened to the NHL in terms of growing its appeal among sports fans.” Bettman confirmed that he hasn’t seen so much public enthusiasm about the sport since 2004, when a labor dispute forced the NHL to cancel the entire season.
Lyndon Johnson Pulls Ahead In Poll Of Nation's Alzheimer's Patients #~# BOCA RATON, FL—A survey of the nation’s Alzheimer’s patients conducted Sunday by Public Policy Polling indicates that Lyndon Johnson now holds a comfortable 8-point lead in the 2012 presidential race, having pulled ahead of candidates Hubert Humphrey, Adlai Stevenson, Mitt Romney, and Gen. George S. Patton. “I’m voting for Lyndon Johnson this year,” said poll respondent Marjorie Halter, adding that she cast a ballot for Gregory Peck in the last election, and that she intends to vote for the Democratic ticket again this November. “I think Johnson and [Halter’s son] Doug will make a really strong team.” According to the poll, a full 14 percent of Alzheimer’s patients are still undecided, and could very well end up voting for former Olympic gymnast Dominique Moceanu if she does well in Tuesday’s debate.
Report: Jack Black's Life More Valuable Than Yours If It Ever Comes Down To It #~# ITHACA, NY—According to a new study by Cornell University, in any conceivable scenario in which a person would have to choose between saving your life or that of actor-comedian Jack Black, the Shallow Hal star would live and you would die. “In countless hypothetical ‘lifeboat’ scenarios, our research indicates that you are ultimately more expendable, because when it comes down to it, Jack Black’s life is more important to people than your own,” the study’s lead author Dr. Thomas Malden told reporters Monday, adding that if, for example, the world were coming to an end and there were one space left in an underground bunker, the actor who appeared in The Holiday would be on a government “save” list, and you would have to fend for yourself. “Although you are pretty good in your own way, Jack Black has simply made a much stronger case for his continued existence. Sorry.” Malden added that while the choice was far more difficult during the weekend when you helped your friend move and Gulliver’s Travels opened in theaters, Black nonetheless retained his preferred status.
Planet Made Of Diamond Discovered #~# Using data from NASA’s Spitzer Space Telescope, astronomers have learned that 55 Cancri e, a planet eight times as massive as Earth and just 40 light years away, is composed largely of pure diamond. What do you think?
Giants vs. Niners #~# The Giants and 49ers battle in a game that could impact the number one seed that neither team wants. Onion Sports looks at what each of these teams must do to win.
Packers vs. Texans #~# The Packers face the Texans in the soulless and revolting city of Houston, which sounds far more horrifying than losing a football game.
Taylor Harris #~# Leukemia sufferer Taylor Harris passed away Sunday afternoon, mere  seconds after the Minnesota Vikings and the Make-A-Wish Foundation  fulfilled the 9-year-old’s dream of fielding an NFL kickoff.
New 'NFL Long Snap' Channel Promises To Air Every Single Long Snap On Sundays #~# NEW YORK—Proclaiming that football fans can now watch “every long snap, every Sunday,” the NFL officially unveiled its new Long Snap game-day television network Sunday. “Featuring every big play from the likes of Jon Condo, Patrick Mannelly, and Tanner Purdum, NFL Long Snap brings you the action every time a ball is snapped 10 to 15 yards for a field goal or punt—live and in high-definition,” read a press release from the league, which also noted that programming will include in-depth analysis from former NFL long snappers David Binn and Mike Schneck. “Fans can watch Greg Warren snapping the ball for an extra point in Pittsburgh and in the very next second be in Carolina as J.J. Jansen snaps on a punt from the Panthers’ 25. If two long snaps are happening at the same time, our new channel will show you both simultaneously on split screens. You’ll never have to worry about missing a long snap ever again.” When reached for comment, an NFL spokesman also confirmed that the league is developing another network to broadcast every touchback from around the league.
Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo #~# LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday.
Dripping Wet 7-Year-Old Gets On Hotel Elevator #~# ATLANTA—An elevator at the Airport Ramada Inn was boarded Friday afternoon by a dripping wet 7-year-old child, sources within the hotel reported. Eyewitnesses confirmed the drenched youth, who wore a towel draped over his shoulders and swim goggles on his forehead, entered the lobby from an interior courtyard, walked inside the already open elevator, and extended a clammy finger to press the button for the fifth floor. A small puddle reportedly formed as water trickled off the boy, who occasionally shivered during the brief ride, his teeth chattering slightly from the chill. Sources confirmed the sopping wet kid then exited the elevator and headed past the snack machines toward the corridor for rooms 511 to 525, leaving behind him the sharp but fading scent of chlorine.
Horrible Boogie Boarding Accident Leaves Man Totally Bummed Below The Neck #~# ENCINITAS, CA—Local boogie boarder Kevin McLean was hospitalized Friday following an accident that left the 25-year-old completely bummed from the neck down, according to doctors. “On arrival, gnarly complications had already wiped out much of Kevin’s mobility, leaving him in mondo knots and dangerously elevating his body’s levels of weak sauce,” said Scripps Memorial Hospital’s Dr. Aaron Muriel, who described the accident as “hella, hella tragic” but encouraged McLean and his family to hang loose and maintain a tubular perspective if possible. “Unfortunately, his spinal cord is also effin’ cashed, so it may be months or even years before he regains any righteousness in his extremities. Frankly, we’re just psyched he’s alive.” At press time, McLean remained in mad bogus condition.
On The Packers' Disappointing Start #~# On the heels of a Super Bowl win two years ago and a 15-1 season last year, the Green Bay Packers take a disappointing 2-3 record into their week-six matchup against the unbeaten Houston Texans. What do you think?
Defense Secretary Warns Of Cyber Terrorism #~# Warning that Internet worms and malware could devastate the U.S. power grid, transportation network, and financial system, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta urged the nation to invest heavily in cyber security to avoid an “electronic Pearl Harbor.” What do you think?
Josh Hamilton Relieved He Made It Through Entire Season Without Killing A Fan #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Despite a wild-card loss to the Orioles that officially ended the Rangers season last week, outfielder Josh Hamilton told reporters Friday that he personally considered the season an immense success considering he made it through 163 games without killing a fan. “There’s a part of me that’s relieved we lost, because I was starting to feel like I was due,” said Hamilton, adding that he had a couple close calls this year, including a hard-hit foul ball in August and nearly backing over a stroller with his car after a game in June. “They say you just need to put it out of your head, but when you accidentally kill a father at a game with his son, how can you come up to bat without thinking, ‘Here we go again’? Even my home runs had me holding my breath until I saw them safely land without any bloodshed.” The five-time All Star, who enters free agency this offseason, said his top priorities are a long-term contract and playing for a team that has at least 4-and-a-half foot tall railings surrounding the entire upper deck.
Toyota Issues Its Largest-Ever Recall #~# Toyota has recalled 7.4 million automobiles worldwide, including 2.5 million in the United States, amid reports that a malfunctioning power-window switch had been linked to more than 160 instances of fire and smoke emanating from car doors. What do you think?
On Michael Vick Admitting He Owns A Dog #~# Three years after his release from prison on dogfighting charges, Eagles quarterback Michael Vick confirmed that his family owns a dog and that the pet is "well cared for." What do you think?
King Hippo's New Boxing Gym Allows 8-Bit Teenagers To Get Off Pixelated Streets #~# NEW YORK—Former World Video Boxing Association heavyweight King Hippo opened a new boxing gym this month, saying he hopes to provide a healthy outlet for troubled 8-bit teens and keep poorly rendered youths off the pixilated streets.
Biden Shares 20-Minute Post-Debate Kiss With Janna Ryan #~# DANVILLE, KY—Following Thursday night’s debate at Centre College, Vice President Joe Biden and Janna Ryan, wife of Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), shared a passionate 20-minute-long kiss that eyewitnesses described as lustful, vulgar, and sloppy. “Janna rushed past her husband and into Biden’s arms. He grabbed her and plunged his tongue deep into her mouth, and then they started going at it like crazy,” said debate moderator Martha Raddatz, explaining that the embracing couple caressed each other’s bodies while fervently kissing and tearing off various articles of clothing. “When the vice president began nibbling on her ears and fondling her breasts, Mrs. Ryan stuck her tongue straight out of her mouth and Biden just started licking all around it. She was literally shaking.” At press time, Biden told reporters he had Janna Ryan “gushing like Old Faithful.”
Eloquent Biden Brings Entire Audience To Tears In Debate Stunner #~# 'I'm A Flawed Man, But There Is Love In My Heart' Vice President Says
Ryan Chugs Down Rhino Horn And Bull Semen Shake For Mid-Debate Boost #~# DANVILLE, KY—Looking to boost his energy before entering the second half of Thursday night’s vice presidential debate, Republican nominee Paul Ryan took a quick breather around the 40-minute mark to chug a rhino horn and bull semen shake. “Aaaaaahhhh,” Ryan said after throwing back his head and swigging the 20-ounce mixture of shaved black rhinoceros horn, kale, pine nuts, and bovine ejaculate, part of his strict personal diet-and-exercise regimen. “You know, a lot of people never really learn how to feed themselves properly, and that’s a shame. A smoothie like this one helps maximize endurance, shred fat, and fuel your body through an intense workout. It’s a no-brainer, really.” At press time, Ryan was faulting Obama for the attacks on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi while performing three quick jumping-jacks, a one-handed push-up, five yoga poses, and numerous kick-boxing moves.
Biden Unleashes Torrent Of Vomit On Debate Stage #~# DANVILLE, KY—During his debate with Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) Thursday night, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly paused midway through a remark on Medicare vouchers, abruptly turned away from the table, and then clenched his stomach, spewing a copious stream of vomit onto the stage. “Hurrrrck, hurrrck, huhhhgluahh!” retched the doubled-over Biden, who dazedly wiped his mouth and eyes with a leather sleeve before regaining his composure. “Phew! Sorry, folks, just needed to shoot that out of the system. Guess those pancakes didn’t soak up the tequila as well as I thought. Feel great now, though.” Biden assured debate moderator Martha Raddatz that the incident was unusual and that he hadn’t “painted the floor like that in at least a month.”
Security Removes Biden's Rowdy Buddies From Auditorium #~# DANVILLE, KY—In the middle of tonight’s debate between Joe Biden and Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), Centre College security guards were forced to remove from the auditorium five of the vice president’s loud and unruly friends: Darius, Blaze, Tank, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, and Dozer. “My buddies tend to go a little wild during these things—what can I say?” a smiling Biden said as eight security guards hauled away the drunken roughhousers for loudly whistling whenever the vice president spoke, repeatedly catcalling debate moderator Martha Raddatz, and throwing beer cans at Ryan following his opening statement. “Thanks for coming out, fellas! I’ll meet you guys back at my suite for a smoke-out after. Take care of the pack, Blaze.” Minutes after she was ejected, a staggering, inebriated Pelosi rolled up her sleeves and told reporters she planned on waiting in the auditorium’s back alley to “have a little talk” with Paul Ryan after the debate.
Ryan Handed Romney's Latest Political Positions Before Walking On Stage #~# DANVILLE, KY—Moments before walking onstage for tonight’s vice presidential debate, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) was handed a revised list of his running mate Mitt Romney’s most up-to-date political principles and stances on various issues. “So our agenda no longer includes legislation that would restrict women’s access to abortion, though we do support using an executive order to prohibit federally funded international nonprofits from providing abortion in other countries—got it. Do we still believe health insurance providers should have the right to deny contraceptive coverage? Hold on a sec,” Ryan said to advisers while furiously memorizing the 10-page briefing, the fifth packet of agenda revisions he had received from Romney since noon. “Wait just one minute and okay, okay…done.” According to sources, Ryan’s handlers then shepherded the congressman onto the debate stage, where he greeted his opponent with an expressionless nod.
They Can Never Take Away My Memories #~# Sitting here in Camp Hill state penitentiary just outside of Harrisburg, PA, I begin a new chapter of my life, one in which I am completely cut off from the outside world, with virtually all my personal freedoms stripped away. Well, I may have lost my career, the support of my friends and family, and my worldly possessions, but there is one important thing I will have for the rest of my life: all my happy memories of molesting defenseless little boys over the past 35 years.
Supreme Court Hears Affirmative Action Case #~# The U.S. Supreme Court heard oral arguments yesterday in Fisher v. The University of Texas, a case in which 22-year-old Abigail Fisher claimed she had been unfairly denied admission to the school because she was white. What do you think?
A-Rod: 'I'm Very Happy For Raul Ibanez, And I Want Him To Die' #~# NEW YORK—Following Raul Ibanez’s walk-off home run in Game 3 of the American League Division Series last night, slumping Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez—who was replaced by Ibanez in the bottom of the ninth inning—reportedly congratulated his teammate and wished him an untimely death. “I don’t think there was anyone in the ballpark more excited for Raul than me, and I’d like him to die slowly in some extremely painful way, preferably while his entire family watches,” a smiling Rodriguez said during a postgame press conference, adding that he is proud to be Ibanez’s teammate and that he’d really like him to die in the next 24 hours. “Maybe something where he is strangled to death or stabbed repeatedly in the chest and stomach and face. I think it would also be nice if he was forced to walk out onto a frozen pond at gunpoint, and then he just fell through the cracked ice and drowned. Something like that. I’m so happy for Raul.” At press time, Raul Ibanez had not been seen by anyone in the past 12 hours.
'Peanuts' Movie In The Works #~# Twentieth Century Fox announced it will begin production on an animated movie of the iconic comic strip Peanuts and gave a targeted release date of November 2015, which coincides with the cartoon’s 65th anniversary. What do you think?
Naked, Tied-Up Paul Ryan Tells Staff He Can’t Prepare For Debate Unless They Slap Him Harder #~# DANVILLE, KY—Lying fully nude with his wrists and ankles tied to the corners of his hotel room bed, an intense, sweat-drenched Paul Ryan reportedly told his staffers today that the only way he could prepare for Thursday night’s vice presidential debate was if they slapped his naked, bound body harder and harder.
Justice Ginsburg Throws Party While 120-Year-Old Parents Away For Weekend #~# ALEXANDRIA, VA—With her parents leaving town to celebrate their 98th wedding anniversary, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg made plans Friday for a major house party, inviting all her Supreme Court colleagues to what she promised would be “a classic Ginsburg throwdown.”
Biden's Handlers Suggesting He Forget The Words 'Pink' And 'Stink' Altogether #~# WILMINGTON, DE—While attempting to prepare the vice president for tomorrow night’s debate against Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), Joe Biden’s staff members reportedly suggested he forget the words “pink” and “stink” altogether before taking the stage. “You know what, given the context of this particular debate and everything, I think maybe it’s best to avoid using the words ‘pink’ or ‘stink’ at all, and certainly never in the same sentence,” longtime Biden adviser Mike Donilon was overheard telling the 69-year-old politician during debate preparations this week, also reminding him to avoid any mention of “muffs,” “tang,” “cooze” and to definitely not do “the shocker” hand gesture while walking to the podium. “This is a very important night for us, Joe, and if you could try to stay on message as much as possible that would be, you know, ideal. Also, don’t do that thing where you smell your finger.” At press time, sources said Biden had assured Donilon he would do his best, but couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t “pop wood” at some point during the debate.
Protestants Not Majority In U.S. For First Time #~# According to a new study, the share of Americans identifying as Protestant is less than 50 percent for the first time on record, having fallen from more than two-thirds of the population just 40 years ago. What do you think?
Billy Wilhite #~# Billy Wilhite died of natural causes Saturday at 81, an age by which most men would have stopped going by "Billy."
Mr. Autumn Man Walking Down Street With Cup Of Coffee, Wearing Sweater Over Plaid Collared Shirt #~# BOSTON—The twigs and acorns crunching pleasurably beneath his boots, Mr. Autumn Man Dennis Clemons, 32, reportedly strolled down Massachusetts Avenue on Wednesday wearing a gray sweater over a plaid collared shirt as he cradled a cup of pumpkin-spiced coffee and relished the crisp October morning.
Seed Of World War III Planted In Beijing Middle-School Gym Class #~# BEIJING—The seed of the catastrophic Third World War of 2033-2036, destined to kill some 80 percent of the planet’s population, was planted and nurtured Wednesday by Beijing middle school gym teacher Xiao Feng. “Keep striving, keep improving for the greater glory of China and her people!” Xiao shouted at the 11-to-13-year-old boys of Beijing Jingshan Middle School, a loudspeaker blaring a triumphal march as they raced around an oval track and began to slowly germinate a tiny grain of hostility that will one day bloom into massive, unprecedented human annihilation. “The decadent Western pigs are gaining on you even now!” Following the grueling two-hour training regimen, Xiao informed pudgy underperformer and future Chinese dictator Sun Cheng that he was a total failure and always would be.
Keys To The Vice Presidential Debate #~# Vice President Joe Biden and Republican challenger Paul Ryan will square off in their first and only debate Thursday night at Centre College in Danville, KY. Here’s how the candidates plan to win over crucial independent voters:  
Danny DeVito, Rhea Perlman Separate #~# Danny DeVito, the 67-year-old actor and producer known for his roles on Taxi and It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, and actress Rhea Perlman, 64, who famously portrayed Carla Tortelli on Cheers, have separated after 30 years of marriage. What do you think?
Man To Skydive From Edge Of Space #~# With sponsorship from energy-drink maker Red Bull, Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner will ride a helium balloon to the edge of outer space and skydive from a record height of 23 miles, provided weather conditions allow. What do you think?
Congress Repairs To Parlor To Hear Rep. Carolyn Maloney Play The Recorder #~# WASHINGTON—Following a long day of legislation, members of the House of Representatives gathered in the congressional parlor Tuesday to sip dessert liqueurs and listen to Carolyn B. Maloney (D-NY) play the recorder. “Carolyn, please be a dear and bring out your recorder,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) said from his overstuffed leather armchair as he swirled brandy in a large snifter and lit a cigar. “There’s a good girl! I find a little music helps settle the soul after a long, hard day. Now, Carolyn, play that delightful little tune you’ve been practicing and show everyone what you’ve learned—ah, good! Good!” Following a stilted rendition of the traditional folk song “Greensleeves,” Cantor sent Maloney away so the grown-ups could exchange bawdy stories of large-chested ladies from their home districts.
Kevin Garnett No Longer On Roaring Terms With Ray Allen #~# BOSTON—In response to the shooting guard’s decision to sign with the Miami Heat earlier this offseason, Celtics forward Kevin Garnett confirmed Wednesday that he’s no longer on growling terms with longtime friend and former teammate Ray Allen. “It is what it is. I will not be shouting at the top of my lungs in that guy’s face from now on,” said Garnett, adding that he would never again roar at Allen in private nor would he engage in any pregame trash-screaming. “He made a decision based on his family, and I respect that, but it does mean he can’t keep expecting me to utter a deep howl of excitement whenever I see him.” Garnett, who has not communicated with referee Ed Malloy for several years, announced that he was finally ready to start whispering threats in the NBA official’s ear again.
Nation Did Not See Mark Wahlberg's Sex Change Coming #~# LOS ANGELES—Following the first public appearance of the actress formerly known as Mark Wahlberg at a Hollywood fundraiser last night, the American people acknowledged the Departed and Fighter star’s sex-reassignment surgery was something they had not seen coming. “Huh,” said Illinois schoolteacher Thomas Granger, 37, reading about the star making her red-carpet debut as Martha Wahlberg. “I guess Mark Wahlberg’s a woman now. He always seemed like more of a masculine guy. But good for him. I mean, her. It’s just that, you know, the last time I saw him on TV, he was doing some promo work for that Ted movie, and he didn’t mention anything about this.” Sources throughout the nation agreed that Wahlberg, despite the gender-change procedure, is still a looker.
Chiefs Scold Fans For Cheering Brady Quinn #~# KANSAS CITY—Several Chiefs players spoke out Monday about the cheering that occurred in Arrowhead Stadium when quarterback Brady Quinn replaced the injured Matt Cassel, expressing their utter disbelief that Kansas City fans would openly applaud the former Notre Dame signal caller. “That’s just sick, you know? People don’t do fucked up stuff like cheering for Brady Quinn,” said Chiefs tackle Eric Winston, adding that human beings simply don’t roar with approval when a terrible player like Brady Quinn enters the game. “You cheer for a touchdown, a field goal, or even when a player you don’t like gets hurt, but you don’t cheer Brady Quinn. It’s basic human decency.” Winston also told reporters he was extremely embarrassed to be playing for a team with despicable fans that would give Brady Quinn a raucous ovation.
Ask An Elderly Black Woman As Depicted By A Sophomore Creative Writing Major #~# Dear Elderly Black Woman As Depicted By A Sophomore Creative Writing Major,
Romney Frantically Figuring Out How Tax Plan Could Actually Work After Realizing He Might Win Election #~# LEXINGTON, VA—Reacting to news Monday that his performance in last week’s domestic policy debate had significantly boosted his poll numbers and put him closer to the White House than ever before, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney reportedly spent the afternoon frantically trying to figure how the tax plan he has proposed could actually work. “Okay, now, think—there’s got to be a way we can make these numbers add up, there’s just gotta be,” a profusely sweating Romney reportedly told his advisers while furiously calculating how in the world he could institute an across-the-board 20 percent cut in the marginal tax rate while balancing the federal budget within a decade and giving the Pentagon $2 trillion it hasn’t even requested. “So the plan states that I can afford to lower taxes for middle-class Americans by closing loopholes and deductions, but even if I cap taxable deductions at $17,000 per family like it says here, that doesn’t even come close to paying for the cost of the $5 trillion in tax breaks, does it? Shit. Who’s got a calculator?” At press time, a visibly agitated Romney was considering calling President Barack Obama to see if he had any advice for tightening up the plan.
U.S. Treasury Cowboy Claims Something Done Spooked Economy #~# WASHINGTON—U.S. Treasury Cowboy Earl “Buck” Laramie gathered reporters around his campfire at sundown Monday, rustled them up some biscuits and bacon, and broke the bad news that “Somethin’ or someone done spooked the economy” recently, resulting in the nation’s financial system running wild and free across the high chaparral.
Tim Tebow Spends All Night Refreshing Jets Depth Chart On ESPN.com #~# NEW YORK—Following the Jets 23-17 Monday night loss to the Houston Texans, Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow reportedly stayed up until morning compulsively refreshing the team’s depth chart on ESPN.com to see if his name had been switched to the starting position. Sources confirmed Tebow repeatedly clicked the browser’s “reload” icon and created several new tabs of the Jets’ depth chart page, apparently suspecting the content would be updated at any moment. “Come on, come on,” said the third-year player, who at several points checked the analogous depth chart at SportsIllustrated.com “just in case they updated it first.” “Come on—it still says second string.” Shortly before falling asleep at 5:15 a.m., a bleary-eyed Tebow told reporters he was certain the number next to his name had, for a fraction of a second, switched to a three.
105 Meningitis Cases Tied To Tainted Drugs #~# The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has confirmed eight deaths from 105 total cases of meningitis in nine states, all stemming from contaminated vials of steroid painkillers distributed by the same Massachusetts company. What do you think?
Jerry Sandusky Hoping Judge Takes It Easy On Him With Sentencing #~# BELLEFONTE, PA—Jerry Sandusky’s lawyers told reporters Tuesday that the former Penn State assistant football coach is desperately hoping the judge “has a heart” and will take it easy on him while delivering his sentence for 45 counts of child sexual abuse. “This is a first-time offender who has always been active in the community and has shown great behavior during this whole trial,” said defense attorney Joe Amendola, adding that Sandusky hopes to be released after serving a couple years so he can get back to his wife, his children, and “all his young friends whom he misses very much.” “We’re talking about a man who founded an entire foundation for at-risk youths out of the goodness of his heart. This is a good man, and I don’t think anybody would argue that he doesn’t deserve a little mercy.” Regardless of the outcome, the defense reportedly intends to file an appeal after sentencing on the grounds that it was far too difficult to prove Sandusky’s innocence given the timing of the trial and their client admitting to being attracted to children on national television.
Romney: 'This Is Why They Call Me Turnaround Mitty From Comeback City' #~# LEXINGTON, VA—Speaking at a rally on Monday, GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney told supporters his dramatic resurgence in the polls following last week’s debate had once again proved that he deserves his well-known moniker, Turnaround Mitty from Comeback City. “Since as far back as I can remember, folks have been calling me Turnaround Mitty from Comeback City, and just like in Detroit, Massachusetts, and Salt Lake, Turnaround Mitty from Comeback City has pulled through,” said Romney, adding that “the ol’ T.M.F.C.C. has struck again.” “There were many who doubted me, but everyone on the Nitty-Gritty Mitty Committee knew that Turnaround Mitty from Comeback City would one day be sitting pretty.” The candidate added that rebounds such as this one also explain why his close friends like to call him the Salt Lake Sultan of Surge.
Romney Proudly Explains How He's Turned Campaign Around #~# 'I'm Lying More,' He Says
Turtles #~# Discovery
Hugo Chávez Wins Third Term #~# Socialist Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez, who has served for nearly 14 years, was elected to his third six-year term Sunday with 54 percent of the vote, beating out former provincial governor Henrique Capriles Radonski. What do you think?
John Madden Finally Just Eats RV #~# PLEASANTON, CA—Overwhelmed by pangs of hunger, retired color commentator John Madden, 76, reportedly succumbed to years of intense cravings Thursday and finally just ate his entire 45-foot-long luxury bus.
Fire Chief Grants Fireman 3-Day Extension On Difficult Fire #~# NEWTON, MA—Shortly before leaving work Monday, local fire chief Pete Wilkes reportedly approved firefighter Joseph Ainslie’s request to take an extra three days on a particularly tough fire, advising him to “take [his] time” with the two-story blaze. “What matters most is doing the job right, not rushing through it and getting it done fast,” Wilkes wrote in an e-mail in which he suggested Ainslie sleep on the problem and return to it the next day with fresh eyes. “I’m of course happy to take a look at it sometime if you need me to, but it seems like you’re on the right track. Do you think you could finish it up by, say, Thursday at 10:30 a.m.? Let me know.” Sources confirmed that after staring blankly at the fire for several minutes, Ainslie finally decided to come back in the morning and try putting some more water on it.
Hire Of Local Moron Gives Nation Hope For Employment #~# PHOENIX—Citizens across the United States are expressing renewed hopes for a nationwide economic recovery following news that local resident and complete moron Ron Freizczky has found work, sources confirmed Monday. “They hired that guy…as a consultant?” Arizona man Bob Gunderbladt said of the 27-year-old dullard, remarking that if a dumb shit like that can get a decent job, anyone can. “The man can’t find his ass with both hands, but—wow, I guess things are really looking up. This country is finally starting to feel like America again.” Reached for comment, leading economists agreed that if more goddamn idiots like Freizczky get jobs that come with financial responsibility, conditions will indeed return to where they were just before the Great Recession.
Ann Romney To Guest Host 'Good Morning America' #~# Ann Romney, the wife of Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney, will serve as a guest host of Good Morning America Wednesday alongside George Stephanopoulos. What do you think?
Man Who Cried Himself To Sleep Last Night Has Some Great Ideas For Growing Company's Brand #~# NEW YORK—Marketing strategist Garrett Brooks, who reportedly cried himself to sleep Sunday while thinking about how much of his life he’s wasted and how he continues to contribute nothing of any value to society, has some great ideas for growing his company’s brand across multiple platforms, sources confirmed. “If we can utilize Twitter and Facebook to integrate our brand with other established players, we stand to boost our profile in all the key demographics,” said the 33-year-old Brooks, who last night lay in bed staring at the ceiling, tears dripping down his face as he realized the thing he puts so much effort into is so vacuous and void of meaning that his younger self would be disgusted by his pursuit of an occupation that ultimately doesn’t need to exist. “Fruit Stripe gum and Vans Shoes have already expressed interest, and the overall sense is that they get our unique voice. Now, if we can get the biggest fish on board, our visibility will shoot through the roof. That’s right, I’m talking Burger King. And I have a contact there.” Following the brief staff meeting, Brooks returned to his office, shut the door, and stared at the wall for 45 minutes.
Broncos vs. Patriots #~# The Broncos travel to New England to enjoy the stunning colors of the Patriots' uniforms. Onion Sports looks at what each team must do to win.
Matt Ryan Votes 'No' In Online Poll Asking If He’s Elite Quarterback #~# ATLANTA—Calling the choice “a no-brainer,” Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan reportedly voted “no” this morning in an ESPN.com poll that asked, “Is Matt Ryan an elite NFL quarterback?” “Uh, no, obviously I’m not an elite player,” Ryan said as he submitted his answer, adding that he was “definitely not even in the top 10” and listing eight better quarterbacks right off the top of his head. “I mean, for starters, I have no pocket presence, my accuracy is pretty middle-of-the-road, and most importantly, I’m just not a born leader. Sure, the Falcons are 4-0, but so what? Who have they even played this year? Fucking nobody. They’ll be lucky to even make the playoffs.” On reviewing the poll’s results, Ryan noticed that more than 90 percent of voters from Georgia had selected “yes,” a decision he called “idiotic.”
New Study Finds Majority Of Bullshit Calls Go To Other Team #~# PITTSBURGH—According to a study published Friday in the Journal Of Quantitative Analysis In Sports, an overwhelming majority of bullshit rulings made by NFL officials go in favor of the opposing team. “The data in our findings conclusively proved that most horseshit calls not only go to the other team, but also occur very late in games,” said lead researcher Dr. Alexander Ferguson, a statistical analyst at Carnegie Mellon University. “In addition, we found that of the officials who make dumbass calls, 58 percent don’t know what the hell they’re doing out there, 23 percent must be watching a completely different goddamn game, and a further 19 percent are just totally fucking blind.” The study, which confirmed that the majority of bullshit calls are game-changing decisions, also found that rulings that help your team are simply lucky breaks that would not have affected the ultimate outcome of the game anyway.
Turkish Actor Thinks He's Cüneyt Fucking Arkin #~# ISTANBUL—The cast and crew of the Turkish film Arada confirmed this week that local actor Ahmet Demir, 28, is strutting around the set like he’s goddamned film superstar Cüneyt fucking Arkin or something. “Who does this arrogant prick think he is? The two-time Golden Orange Award–winning star of Battal Gazi Destanı?” said the film’s cinematographer, Kadri Polat, shaking his head in irritation. “Look, I’ve worked with Cüneyt Arkin, and this guy’s no Cüneyt Arkin, okay? This asshole is a poor man’s Aytekin Akkaya—if that.” At press time, sources confirmed Demir “will be lucky to if he gets to make another picture at Film Sokaği Studios, that’s for goddamned sure.”
Lot Of Bold Talk About Making Broth Going Around Apartment #~# CHICAGO—Considering the bold words being bandied about haven’t amounted to anything yet, there sure is a lot of serious talk about making broth going on right now in a local apartment on West Charleston Street, reports confirmed Wednesday. “I was thinking I might make some broth for tonight,” said roommate Ryan Benson, who talked a pretty big game about “throwing in some beef bones” but had yet to actually grow a fucking pair, step up to the stove, and slowly simmer some meaty, thick-marrowed bones in order to draw out their subtle flavors. “You just have to boil water in a stockpot and then put in whatever you want. It’s easy.” At press time, skeptical sources indicated that a lot of cavalier boasts of maybe heading down to the farmer’s market to pick up some fresh carrots and celery had yet to a result in any apartment occupants enjoying a goddamn bowl of hearty stew.
Jim Lehrer Forced To Report On His Own Botched Debate Moderator Performance On Tonight's 'NewsHour' #~# NEW YORK—After conducting the first of the 2012 presidential debates earlier this week, former anchor Jim Lehrer hosted PBS NewsHour’s political analysis roundtable on Friday, an appearance that forced him to discuss the quality of his widely panned performance as moderator. “The consensus among commentators is that Jim Lehrer completely lost control of this debate, failed to make the candidates adhere to its format, and generally allowed them to spend the full hour and a half reciting talking points on any subject they wished. Your thoughts?” Lehrer asked fellow commentators Mark Shields and David Brooks, both of whom agreed with their colleague’s scathing assessment of himself. “As someone who has reported on every presidential debate since 1960 and moderated 12 of them, including Wednesday night’s horribly handled contest between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, I’m simply at a loss. It was frankly painful to watch the two debaters walk all over Mr. Lehrer, and I’m sure that, in hindsight, he wishes to God he had never signed on for the job.” Shields and Brooks spent the remaining 59 minutes of the broadcast providing a wide-range of political analysis and seldom allowing Lehrer to get a word in edgewise.
Area Man Going To Sit Quietly In Darkened Bedroom Until Roommate’s Party Ends #~# AUSTIN, TX—Saying that he “really doesn’t know anyone out there,” local man Matt Kremer, 24, announced Friday night that he plans on sitting alone quietly in his darkened bedroom until a party being thrown by his roommate ends.
Record Number Of Gay Characters On TV #~# A record 4.4 percent of all scripted TV characters on the five major networks are either gay, bisexual, or transgender this season, with a total of 111 LGBT characters across all channels, according to the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. What do you think?
Michael Dukakis Wakes Up Not Angry For First Time Since 1988 Election #~# BROOKLINE, MA—According to sources, former Democratic presidential nominee Michael Dukakis woke up Friday without feeling an overwhelming sense of burning rage for the first time since losing his bid for the White House 24 years ago. “Wow, I actually feel pretty good,” said the 78-year-old former Massachusetts governor, reportedly experiencing a sense of inner peace and satisfaction he had not felt in more than two decades. “I’m not even thinking about that Willie Horton ad. Or the stupid advisers who convinced me to put on that helmet and get in the tank. That goddamn tank. And hey, I’m not even getting angry about that fucking Yale graduate George fucking Bush accusing me of Ivy League elitism. You know what? I just might go for a jog this morning. I just might do it.” At press time, reports confirmed Dukakis smiled for three seconds before smashing the bathroom mirror with his fists for the 853rd time since 1988.
On Cowboys.com Being A Gay Dating Site #~# Five years after the Dallas Cowboys bungled a domain name auction and lost Cowboys.com to a group of investors, the site has resurfaced as a gay dating service for “cowboy[s] looking for a man to ride into the sunset with.” What do you think?
Vast Field Of Marijuana Found In Chicago #~# Officers in a police helicopter discovered a marijuana plantation on Chicago’s South Side that is the size of two football fields, containing more than 1,500 large plants and worth an estimated $7 million to $10 million. What do you think?
Weird Child Pretends To Be Utility Infielder Mark DeRosa While Playing Baseball With Friends #~# WASHINGTON—Playground sources told reporters Thursday that 10-year-old oddball Scott Corello always pretends to be utility infielder Mark DeRosa during baseball games with friends and confirmed that the versatile Washington Nationals player is the “little weirdo’s” all-time favorite “big leaguer.” “Whenever Scott plays with us, he’s always saying that he wants to switch from second base to third or shortstop so he can be just like this guy Mark DeRosa,” said 11-year-old Ethan Abramson, adding that “the spaz” once drew a seven on his shirt with a marker to have the same number as DeRosa. “A lot of times he’ll just sit out and wait for somebody in the field to get tired so he can sub in and ‘shore up the defense like DeRosa would.’ He’s such a little freak.” At press time, Corello was reportedly mimicking DeRosa’s batting style by hitting line-drive singles to left field.
Cardinals vs. Rams #~# The Rams host the Cardinals for a game that someone at the NFL Network will get fired for scheduling. Onion Sports looks at what each team needs to do to win.
Reince Priebus Forced Back Into Ancient Puzzle Box After Being Tricked Into Saying Name Backwards #~# WASHINGTON—Startled sources at a GOP fundraiser confirmed Thursday that after being duped into saying his own name backwards, ancient elfin mischief-maker and Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus was cast back into the gilded puzzle box that has confined him for millennia.
Facebook Reaches 1 Billion Users #~# The 8-year-old social networking site Facebook now has 1 billion active monthly users, with roughly one of every seven people in the world holding an account, according to CEO Mark Zuckerberg. What do you think?
Romney Dominated Debate, Say Pundits Trying To Figure Out GOP Candidate's Policies #~# DENVER—Following Wednesday's presidential debate, Mitt Romney’s performance was hailed as “dominant” and “potentially game-changing” by a near unanimous consensus of political commentators who were still trying to figure out where exactly the Republican nominee stood on the issues and what specific policies, if any, he espoused. “Mitt Romney was very strong up there, and there’s no doubt he made an effective, compelling case to the nation’s undecided voters,” said NBC News correspondent Chuck Todd, who was, if anything, more at a loss as to what health care, job creation, tax policy, education, deficit reduction, and financial regulation would look like under a Romney presidency after the debate than he was before it began. “Romney came across as very presidential tonight. If he can ride this momentum for the rest of the campaign, he has a real shot at taking the White House.” Analyzing President Obama’s performance, pundits agreed that the man who articulated a sober plan of measured steps and shared sacrifice to ensure the nation’s future prosperity had a “tough road” ahead of him if he hoped to match Romney in the next debate.
Nation's Debate Viewers Disgusted With Selves After Connecting With Mitt Romney #~# WASHINGTON—As they awoke this morning, millions of Americans reportedly let out a heavy groan of regret upon remembering they had made an emotional connection with Republican nominee Mitt Romney last night during his first debate with President Barack Obama. “Oh my god, I’m pretty sure I liked him. Like, on a personal level, I connected with Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney,” said Pennsylvania resident Tom Gorelick, 26, adding that he can barely look at himself in the mirror now that he’s seen Romney as an appealing, charismatic speaker who could in fact become President of the United States. “Am I somebody who is going to vote for Mitt Romney now? Did I just ask that question out loud? I feel gross.” At press time, Gorelick was taking a scalding hot shower and vigorously scrubbing his body with steel wool.
Guy On Intense Cell Phone Call Walking Up And Down Block For Past 45 Minutes #~# NEW YORK—A man currently on a very intense cell phone call has been walking up and down the same city block for the past 45 minutes, periodically shaking his head and speaking brusquely to the individual on the other line, sources confirmed Thursday.
Sasha Obama Asks Father Why He Was Acting Like Such A Pussy During Debate #~# DENVER—Following last night’s nationally televised presidential debate, President Barack Obama’s 11-year-old daughter Sasha reportedly asked her father why he was “acting like such a goddamned pussy up there.” “Daddy, how come you were being such a little bitch?” asked the sixth-grader, who told the president she was “genuinely worried” that maybe somebody had “cut Daddy’s balls off” right before he took the stage. “What happened, Dad? Were you on your period or something? Maybe the next time you’re in front of the entire country for an hour and a half you should try not letting another man spank you on the ass like that.” Sources added that Obama’s youngest daughter then offered to help the president go “look for [his] dick, because apparently it’s gone missing.”
Sensitive Scientists Report 5 In 5 Women Don't Know How Beautiful They Are #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—A team of considerate, emotionally available researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Monday the results of a study indicating that in a random sampling of five women, not even one has any idea how beautiful she actually is. “In clinical trials, we discovered 100 percent of test subjects were virtually oblivious to the fact that they are and always have been thoughtful, intelligent, and truly gorgeous, inside and out,” sensitive scientist Sidney Kaplan said of the four-year, $30 million study aimed at showing women what they just can’t seem to see for themselves. “Perhaps even more alarming, we found that 87 percent of women felt it was their job to try to make themselves into someone they aren’t, instead of looking in the mirror and rejoicing at what they had already become. And trust me, what they had already become is perfect.” The receptive and caring  authors of the study said their work would be published in the forthcoming issue of Nature and available to women “anytime they need to hear it.”
2,400 Millionaires Collected Jobless Benefits In 2009 #~# An analysis by the Congressional Research Service found that 2,362 individuals who received government unemployment benefits in 2009 lived in households with annual incomes of at least a million dollars. What do you think?
On Miguel Cabrera Winning Baseball's Triple Crown #~# On Wednesday night, Tigers star Miguel Cabrera became the first player since Carl Yastrzemski to achieve the Triple Crown, finishing the season with a .330 average, 44 home runs, and 139 RBIs. What do you think?
No Bedrooms #~# It’s got five rooms, okay? Whether or not you want to put beds in there is up to you, but there’s 1,100 square feet of floor space divided five ways. Use it how you see fit. Reference #92795022
Mitt Romney Jots Down Ideas For Concession Speech While Obama Talks #~# DENVER—As his opponent Barack Obama responded to a question during Wednesday night’s presidential debate on domestic policy, Republican nominee Mitt Romney reportedly took a few moments to scribble down some ideas for points to hit during his upcoming Nov. 6 concession speech. “It’s been a long journey, never stop fighting, etc., deeply grateful to all of those who stood by me and fought with me (fill in later),” wrote Romney, underlining the phrase “my wife, Ann” several times and using an entire page to list colleagues he would thank for their tireless efforts. “Maybe close with something about standing by the president even if I don’t agree with all his policies, he cares about America as much as I do—too cliché? Run it by Matt. Blue shirt, red tie.” Having written out his thoughts, Mr. Romney then looked up from the podium and stated that he did not agree with President Obama’s answer.
Panicking Romney Attempts To Lay Off Debate Moderator #~# DENVER—Pressed during Wednesday night’s presidential debate to provide details of his plan to lower taxes across the board while balancing the federal budget, a visibly flustered Mitt Romney reportedly sought to extricate himself from the situation by attempting to lay off moderator Jim Lehrer. “Well, uh, tax loopholes must be closed, and as you know, um, there are many underperforming programs, and, boy—Jim, we need to have a talk,” said the Republican nominee, who, after several moments of nervous chuckling informed the 78-year-old PBS NewsHour anchor that market conditions had forced him to “make adjustments to our outlook and staffing.” “Given our business model going forward, it no longer makes sense for this debate to continue. We appreciate all you’ve contributed, and let me assure you this in no way reflects on your personal performance. But we’re moving in a new direction and I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go.” Romney then wished Lehrer “the best of luck,” waiting patiently behind his lectern until the baffled moderator filed out of the University of Denver’s Magness Arena.
Mitt Romney Adopts New ‘Ronnie Ferocious’ Persona For Debates #~# DENVER—Saying that he wasn’t going to take any shit tonight and that the debate podiums “looked just as fucking lame as all the dressed-up suits in this godforsaken hellhole of a room,” Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney appeared tonight at the University of Denver’s Magness Arena as Ronnie Ferocious, the aggressive, no-rules punk-rock persona he has reportedly adopted for his three debates against President Barack Obama.
Millions Of Excited Americans Gather To Watch Candidates Deliver Series Of Short, Elaborately Rehearsed Speeches #~# WASHINGTON—Sources confirmed that Americans all over the country have eagerly assembled tonight to watch a much-anticipated television broadcast in which presidential candidates Barack Obama and Mitt Romney will give a series of brief, meticulously rehearsed speeches on various domestic issues. “I can’t wait to hear what Obama and Romney have already practiced saying hundreds upon hundreds of times over the past few weeks in front of political strategists, media professionals, and image consultants,” said 34-year-old Suffolk, VA resident Shannon Donnelly, adding that she is most excited to hear the two candidates’ carefully rehearsed 90-to-120-second speeches on tax reform and job creation. “After months of campaign sound bites, we finally get to hear one candidate recite a carefully vetted position before pausing and allowing the other candidate to do the same. I am very much looking forward to one of them rebutting something the other says with a response that is painstakingly calculated down to even the slightest pause between words.” Sources also reported that voters are greatly looking forward to the evening of Oct. 16, when the candidates will gather in a town hall setting to respond to discreetly edited questions from handpicked members of the audience.
Biden Implores Obama To 'Rub One Out' Before Debate #~# 'Don't Want Pussy On The Mind Out There,' Reports Vice President
The Anemic Economic Recovery Is Due To The Failed Policies Of My Opponent vs. C'mon Man, The Debate's In A Couple Hours, We Can Do This Then #~# If there’s one thing I’ve learned campaigning across this great country of ours, it’s that hardworking Americans are doing their God’s honest best in these trying economic times. But unfortunately, far too many families that were once solidly middle-class now have a tough time paying their bills and, in some cases, struggle just to put meals on the table. We’ve been promised an economic recovery for four years, folks, and I don’t need to tell you that it hasn’t come to pass.
Smug Replacement Refs Point Out Not A Single 'Intentional Midfield Zone Hands' Called All Weekend #~# NEW YORK—Following the return of the NFL’s regular officials, several smug replacement referees told reporters Tuesday about the abundance of missed calls last week, noting that since their dismissal not a single flag has been thrown for intentional midfield zone hands, personal clock interference, or roughing the line of scrimmage.
Nation Demands More Pre-Debate News Stories About Body Language #~# WASHINGTON—According to sources throughout the nation, the U.S. populace is clamoring today for more news articles about how a candidate’s body language can affect the outcome of a presidential debate.
Obama Hoping Jim Lehrer Doesn't Bring Up U.S. Economy #~# DENVER—Ahead of tonight’s debate with Republican nominee Mitt Romney, sources within the Obama campaign confirmed that the president is hoping moderator Jim Lehrer doesn’t ask any questions about the economy of the United States. “Hopefully he just completely forgets to ask about the unemployment rate and anemic job numbers, or maybe we’ll luck out and just run out of time before he can cover it,” Obama reportedly told senior campaign adviser Robert Gibbs, adding that he is “crossing his fingers” and hoping Lehrer also doesn’t bring up health care reform, immigration, gun control, Medicare, or Social Security during the 90-minute debate on domestic issues. “Actually, if the whole thing could just focus on gay rights, that would be perfect.” At press time, Obama was reportedly staring blankly at a copy of the the Labor Department’s August jobs report.
Really Not A Great House #~# Not going to sugarcoat it—this is not a quality home. The roof leaks, the appliances are out of date, and there’s a sizable termite infestation, but hey, maybe this is where you’re at in life. Reference #41008263
Teen Drinking And Driving Down Sharply #~# According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, teen drinking and driving rates have decreased by more than half over the past 20 years, with 10.3 percent admitting to doing so in 2011, as compared with 22.3 percent in 1991. What do you think?
Pujols Switches To Shiny Red Bat As Mid-Career Crisis Sets In #~# SEATTLE—Angels slugger Albert Pujols reportedly showed up to the team’s dugout Tuesday with an expensive little bright-red bat, prompting players to speculate that the 32-year-old was entering a mid-career crisis. “He’s seemed kind of down since his numbers started dipping and people stopped talking about him as the best hitter in baseball, so it’s not really surprising to see him swinging around that brand-new sporty cherry-red bat,” said Angels left fielder Vernon Wells, who confirmed Pujols had also recently attempted to appear younger by wearing tight leather pants during games. “Albert says playing with a young rookie phenom contending for the MVP doesn’t make him feel insecure, but that zippy crimson bat says otherwise. He’s been bragging about how the barrel is blazingly fast and cracks louder when it hits the ball, but his wife is going to kill him for blowing $50,000 on a bat.” At press time, team sources confirmed Pujols had driven his 2013 Harley-Davidson Iron 883 motorcycle to the on-deck circle for batting practice.
Campaign Adviser Recommends Throwing Old Blanket Over Romney For Debates #~# DENVER—Helping to devise the Republican presidential nominee’s strategy for his upcoming debates against Barack Obama, campaign adviser Kevin A. Hassett recommended appealing to viewers by maybe throwing an old sheet or blanket over Mitt Romney for the duration of the contests, sources reported Wednesday. “I think we just take an old quilt or painting drop cloth and throw it right over his head before opening statements. Nothing too nice, though,” Hall reportedly suggested to Romney campaign staff, adding that they could secure the edges of a tarp with rocks or bungee cords so it doesn’t blow off. “It might not cover him up all the way, but as long as it’s over his head and torso, that’ll be fine. I think viewers will really respond to that. This could be a real game-changer.” Hassett added that at the end of each debate, campaign volunteers could simply fold Romney up, drag him onto a flatbed truck, and haul him off to his next appearance.
Report: Just So You Know, Your Younger Sister Probably Getting Laid Pretty Regularly These Days #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—According to a study published Wednesday by researchers who aren’t trying to freak you out or anything but just thought you ought to know, your now-17-year-old younger sister is probably getting laid pretty regularly these days. “Our results suggest you should face the fact that your sister is almost certainly having sex at least three to four times a week, and has no doubt been boned by at least two members of the basketball team,” read the 90-page report, which indicated that the sibling you walked to school when she was a first-grader is now a teenage girl who has a boyfriend—just saying—and that you can’t honestly pretend you didn’t see this coming. “Following a multiple regression analysis taking into account that your little sister (1) is a high school senior, (2) has always been cute, and (3) has, admit it, gotten seriously hot in the past couple years, our study concludes she can, in all likelihood, get laid anytime she wants to, and is basically at the point of turning dick away by now. Just wanted to throw that out there.” Data from the study also indicate that hey, while we’re at it, you might as well know your little brother isn’t doing too bad, either.
Quiznos Sandwich Maker Worked Way Up From Mail Room #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Effortlessly cutting into a piping hot Baja Chicken sandwich, Kevin Coleman may not stand out among the half-dozen black-aproned sandwich makers at the Quiznos on Southwest 34th Street. But his rise to the top of this deli-style fast food restaurant has taken a somewhat unconventional route.
50 Years Of Beatlemania #~# Fifty years ago Friday, the Beatles released their first single, “Love Me Do,” in the United Kingdom, touching off the global phenomenon known as Beatlemania. Here are some major milestones from the Fab Four’s legendary career:
Seth MacFarlane To Host Oscars #~# Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane, who wrote, directed, and starred in the movie Ted this past summer, has been chosen to host the 85th Academy Awards in February. What do you think?
Hope In Students' Eyes Too Much For Screenwriting Teacher To Handle This Week #~# LOS ANGELES—Spending his Tuesday office hours meeting individually with each student in his Screenwriting II class at the University of California, Los Angeles, part-time lecturer Sam Albrecht, 33, told reporters that the eagerness and optimism in his students’ gazes had become too much for him to bear. “There’s this earnest twinkle in their eyes when they look at you, like they really believe they have a chance, and—I’m sorry, but it just tears me to pieces,” said the man who has written 20 screenplays but never had one produced. “I really don’t know if I can keep it together through another four hours of these kids talking about the third-act problems they’re so sure they can work out.” At press time, Albrecht was reportedly choking back tears as he forced himself to indulge a sophomore’s speculation about which Hollywood actors she imagined in her script’s roles, and to agree that Steven Soderbergh could indeed be a good choice for directing it.
$2 Million In Gold, Gems Stolen From Museum #~# Breaking into the California State Mining and Mineral Museum on Friday, thieves armed with pickaxes made off with $2 million worth of gold and jewels, but failed to crack a safe containing a famous 14-pound hunk of gold known as the Fricot Nugget. What do you think?
Embarrassed Catcher Not Sure What He Came To Mound For #~# MIAMI—Miami Marlins catcher John Buck was reportedly “totally humiliated” during the fifth inning of Tuesday’s game against the New York Mets after completely forgetting the reason why he walked to the pitcher’s mound. “Just give me a second here, it’ll come to me,” Buck was overheard saying before crossing his arms and staring silently into into the distance for several moments. “Something about the runner on second, maybe? Shit, I have no idea. Well, I’ll let you know if I remember what it was, I guess.” Team sources confirmed that Buck immediately recalled what he meant to say as soon as Hudson gave up a home run from an inside fastball on the next pitch.
I Want To Know What True Lunch Is #~# I guess you could call me a hopeless romantic. I believe everyone, at some point in life, deserves to find true happiness and a deep, emotional connection—a joining together that transcends all else in life, that makes the heart race, and that, if taken away, can send one into a tailspin. That’s right, I’m talking about the experience of true lunch.
Obama Makes Surprise Visit To Quantum-Branching Multiverse On Alternate Hyperdimensional Plane #~# EVERYWHERE IN SPACE-TIME SIMULTANEOUSLY—Attempting to appeal to the widest possible demographic base as Election Day draws near, President Obama made a surprise campaign stop Monday to visit an infinite series of alternate universes that vibrate on a hyperdimensional plane different from the three spatial dimensions observable in our own universe.
Candidates' Debate Preparations #~# Ahead of Wednesday’s first presidential debate, to be held at the University of Denver, both campaigns are carefully grooming their candidates to make the best possible impression on voters. Here’s how they’re preparing:
Hugo Chávez Endorses Obama #~# Calling Barack Obama a “good guy,” Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez said on state television Sunday that if he were American he would vote for the incumbent Democrat, and that he is sure if Obama were from Caracas, he would vote for Chávez. What do you think?
Bears vs. Cowboys #~# The Cowboys host the Bears in a shootout between two of the NFL's dopiest quarterbacks
Schwarzenegger Admits To Affair With Predator Costume #~# NEW YORK—In a new autobiography published Monday, action star and former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admits to many indiscretions that strained his 25-year marriage to Maria Shriver, including a steamy extramarital affair with the costume from the 1987 action movie Predator. “From the moment I arrived on set and saw that Predator costume hanging in the prop closet, there was this intense sexual energy between us, and truth be told, I couldn’t keep my hands off it,” Schwarzenegger writes on page 266 of Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story, explaining that his relationship with the 200-pound suit was “purely physical.” “The minute the cameras stopped and the stuntman inside the costume got out of it, I’d take the suit back to my trailer and have my way with it. Those rubber dreadlocks and polyurethane fangs really turned me on. At night, I’d sneak back into the wardrobe department so we could do it all over again.” Schwarzenegger added that along with the Predator costume, he also had affairs with the set of Mars from Total Recall, the computer used to render the shiny alloy puddle from Terminator 2, and Twins co-star Danny DeVito.
Obama Camp Vows To Win Neighborhoods Where Romney Staffers Are Too Afraid To Go #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Entering the final month before the general election, sources within the Obama campaign announced today their new strategy of focusing on voters in neighborhoods where Romney staffers are too scared to go. “We’ve already pinpointed several low-income, primarily black and Hispanic neighborhoods that the Romney team has avoided at all costs,” said local Obama 2012 volunteer Jacob Fitzsimmons, describing efforts to get the president’s message out in high-crime, inner-city areas that most of Romney’s canvassers won’t even drive through. “Romney staffers that do travel to these areas are typically ineffective because they roll up their windows, lock their car doors, and get nervous when stopping at intersections. Additionally, we believe we can make tremendous strides in neighborhoods where Romney campaign volunteers are willing to go, but never past 6 p.m.” Members of the Romney camp countered this afternoon by saying they planned to redouble their efforts in gated suburban communities that would never allow Obama supporters to enter, let alone knock on doors.
Justin Bieber Vomits On Stage #~# In Glendale, AZ for the first show of his new Believe Tour, 18-year-old pop superstar Justin Bieber vomited on stage, but then went on to finish his set, later attributing his illness to drinking milk. What do you think?
Jim Thome Leaves Game Early With Tightness In Pants #~# BALTIMORE—Orioles designated hitter Jim Thome was forced to leave in the fourth inning of Sunday’s game against the Boston Red Sox after complaining about tightness in his pants. “Something just didn’t feel right and I could barely walk,” said Thome, who caused concern for teammates and coaches as he grimaced while gingerly ambling off the field. “It really pinched in the thighs and restricted movement in my legs. It even hurt to sit. I hope this doesn’t keep me out of the lineup for too long. The trainers tried to help me stretch out the fabric but it was still awfully stiff.” Thome, who has suffered from chronic trouseritis for much of his career, received good news Monday when the MRI revealed that the 42-year-old did not tear his pants.
Mitt Romney Frantically Running Around Ohio Smiling And Waving #~# CANTON, OH—As part of an effort to cut into President Obama’s lead in the crucial swing state of Ohio, Mitt Romney reportedly ran at full speed Monday around the entire state screaming “Hello!” at the top of his lungs while smiling and waving indiscriminately. “Hello, Ohio! How ya doing? Hi! How is everybody? I’m Mitt Romney!” the breathless, sweat-drenched candidate spat out randomly as he tore across the state without pause, furiously kissing babies and tossing them backwards over his shoulder in a mad dash that has now taken him through 30 of Ohio’s 88 counties. “The beautiful state of Ohio! Go Buckeyes! Jobs! Ohio! Hello! I’m Mitt Romney!” At press time, Romney had reportedly dived through the plate-glass front window of a North Canton bar, scrambled to his feet, wolfed down a large plate of pancakes, waved to restaurant patrons for five seconds, furiously stammered out a few words about the economy, stumbled out through the front door, and sprinted in the direction of Youngstown.
Poor Diet May Cause Alzheimer’s #~# A growing body of research suggests that an unhealthy diet reduces the natural level of insulin in the brain, which, in turn, may cause the neurodegenerative disease Alzheimer’s, prompting some doctors to begin referring to the condition as “type 3 diabetes.” What do you think?
U.N. Votes To Recognize Palestine #~# Over the strong opposition of the United States and Israel, the U.N. General Assembly voted 138 to 9 to grant the West Bank and Gaza Strip status as a “non-member observer state,” moving one step closer to recognizing Palestinian sovereignty. What do you think?
Geese All Flying To Andy García's House For Winter #~# LOS ANGELES—In an annual ritual that has long heralded the changing of seasons, thousands of geese have left their native breeding grounds across North America and begun to head south, taking to the skies in droves as they migrate to actor Andy García’s house for the winter.
U.N. Agency Says 2012 Celebrities Hottest On Record #~# HELSINKI—In a report released Thursday at the United Nations pop culture summit in Finland, a consortium of leading entertainment scientists confirmed that the year 2012 has witnessed the hottest celebrities in recorded history.
Fencing #~# From The Onion Book of Known Knowledge. Order Now: IndieBound | Amazon | Barnes & Noble
NFL Researchers Discover New Playoff Scenario In Which Steelers, Bengals Share AFC’s 6th Seed #~# NEW YORK—After working through thousands of tiebreaker hypotheticals, scientists in the NFL’s research division reported Thursday that they had discovered a previously unknown playoff configuration in which the Cincinnati Bengals and Pittsburgh Steelers would share the AFC’s sixth seed. “According to our calculations, if Cincinnati and Pittsburgh are tied at the end of the season with identical head-to-head, divisional, and conference records, it would cause both teams to simultaneously occupy the same playoff seed,” said NFL theoretical analyst Dr. Graham Scheer, explaining that under the scenario, the two AFC North rivals would merge into one massive 106-man roster to play against the third seed in the wild card round of the playoffs. “Moreover, if what we are postulating occurs, and if the players are able to overcome their animosity and work together, then there would, in theory, be nothing to prevent the combined Bengals-Steelers squad from making a deep playoff run.” Scheer noted that the only other time a similar situation occurred was in the 1984 season, when the San Francisco 49ers and Los Angeles Rams famously shared the NFC’s first seed, going on to jointly win Super Bowl XIX.
Colossal Supermassive Black Hole Discovered #~# Scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Astronomy in Germany announced the discovery of the biggest black hole ever recorded, a mammoth ultradense celestial body that is 17 billion times the mass of our sun. What do you think?
Saints vs. Falcons #~# The Falcons host the Saints in a game in which a victory for Atlanta will bring the team one step closer to an inevitable playoff loss at home against an inferior team. Onion Sports takes a look at what each side needs to do to win.
Congolese Rebel Can't Bring Himself To Care About Congolese War #~# GOMA, DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO—While he admitted to having heard mentions of the bloody uprising and grave humanitarian crisis, Congolese rebel Emmanuel Muamba, 26, told reporters Thursday that he is having difficulty taking any real interest in the country’s ongoing insurrection and has “pretty much tuned out” all references to the conflict. “I vaguely know there’s something going on between government forces and insurgents, but frankly, I just find myself not caring about it at all,” said Muamba, admitting he probably wasn’t as informed as he should be about the details of the recent war atrocities he had committed or the plight of the child soldiers fighting alongside him. “I know I ought to pay attention, and I genuinely feel bad about my apathy toward what’s happening, but at the end of the day, it’s just another violent conflict in Africa, you know? I just can’t keep up with all of them at this point.” Reached for comment, all of the villagers that Muamba was currently massacring echoed the rebel’s total disinterest in the African nation’s continuing political strife.
New Nolan Ryan Cookbook Features Over 200 Recipes For Baseballs #~# NEW YORK—Little, Brown and Company announced Monday the forthcoming publication of The Nolan Ryan Baseball Cookbook, a collection of recipes from MLB’s all-time strikeout leader that will include Down-the-Middle Meatballs, Slow-Cooked Pulled Fouls, Nolan’s Famous Cheese Casserole, and more than 200 other “finger-licking” dishes made from regulation baseballs. “There’s nothing better on a summer afternoon than throwing a few ground balls on the grill and cooking up some flame-broiled sliders,” read an excerpt from the first-ballot Hall of Famer’s cookbook, which will reportedly feature chapters on properly cutting a baseball, on techniques for dry and wet rubs, and on mixing the perfect screwball cocktail. “You’re going to want to put a bat or two on your grill and shut the lid to really smoke them right in there. And be sure to put on your mitt when you take them out, because those baseballs are going to reach high heat.” According to Ryan, the cookbook is a natural extension of his popular Fastballs Grille, which has been serving marinated, slow-roasted spitball kabobs at Rangers Ballpark since 2008.
Powerball Winners Already Divorced, Bankrupt #~# DEARBORN, MO—Less than 24 hours after last night’s Powerball drawing, reports confirmed that the two winners of the $587 million jackpot are both already divorced from their respective spouses, alienated from their friends and families, and completely bankrupt.
Remaking The Republican Party #~# Mitt Romney’s poor performance among minority voters, single women, and young people has led many top Republicans to call for an overhaul of the party’s image. Here are some options the GOP is considering to extend its appeal:
Romney Has Lunch At White House #~# In his first meeting with Mitt Romney since winning reelection, President Barack Obama hosted his former political rival for lunch at the White House today to discuss ways to improve the federal government. What do you think?
Nobody At Capital One Can Remember Why It Put Vikings In Its Ads #~# MCLEAN, VA—Despite spending hundreds of millions of dollars in branding and promotion each year, no one at Capital One Financial Corporation can precisely recall why its ads center around a merry group of cost-conscious Vikings, sources reported Thursday. “I know there was some sort of connection between Vikings and credit cards at some point, but I honestly don’t remember what it was—something about raiding your credit card bill or something?” said the bank’s vice president of marketing, Dave Erlenmeyer, echoing the thoughts of everyone within the company. “Or maybe it’s because our fees are so low it’s just like pillaging? I honestly have no idea. All I know is every time we do a commercial now it has to have Vikings in it.” According to focus group data, TV viewers had been under the impression that the commercials were previews for an upcoming Viking-themed sitcom entitled Capital One: What’s In Your Wallet?.
Colin Kaepernick Admits He Learned Nothing From Watching Alex Smith Play Quarterback #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Coming off his second straight win as 49ers quarterback, Colin Kaepernick admitted to reporters Thursday that watching Alex Smith over the past two years has not helped his game in the slightest. “I wish I could say Alex has been an inspiration to me and all that, but I’ve watched the guy play 27 games now, and honest to God, I didn’t get a single thing out of it,” said Kaepernick, who added that seeing the 8-year veteran in practice and in games has taught him nothing about staying cool in the pocket, reading defenses, improvising when protection breaks down, or leadership either on or off the field. “I guess the only thing I did learn was how to completely fall apart during a conference championship game. That and how to rely on a great running back and phenomenal defense to win games for you. Otherwise, it was pretty much useless.” Kaepernick confirmed that his greatest learning experience since entering the league came while watching Eli Manning play against the 49ers.
Half-Dressed Man Frantically Scrambles Out Of Home After Hearing Toyotathon Deals Won't Last Long #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to eyewitness reports, visibly frantic area resident Dwight Freeman, 31, rushed headlong out his front door Sunday in a desperate attempt to get to his local dealer’s limited-time Toyotathon before his brief window of opportunity closed. “My God, I have to get there right now!” screamed Freeman, who after hearing a radio ad state “these deals [would not] last long” reportedly ran across his yard, pulling a shirt over his head as he carried his shoes in one hand and slammed a cup of coffee with the other. “These are the best deals of the season—the whole season.” At press time, the wife and children of a frazzled, bleary-eyed Freeman were seen stumbling after him as he punched the car’s steering wheel and yelled, “Come on, come on, come on!”
Fuck It, Man On Death Row Just Going To Read Entire Harry Potter Series #~# HUNTSVILLE, TX—Convicted murderer and death row inmate Robert Insterman, 45, announced Thursday that, fuck it, he might as well read the whole goddamn Harry Potter series of bestselling young-adult novels.
'I Am A Brand,' Pathetic Man Says #~# SEATTLE—Sad, pathetic local web developer and blogger Phillip Cathin, 34, told reporters today that he sees himself as “a brand.”
Consumer Confidence Highest Since 2008 #~# Confidence among U.S. consumers has risen this month to its highest level in nearly five years. What do you think?
Minnie Caren #~# Minnie Caren, 81, passed away last evening, leaving behind her son, Steven; her daughter, Sandy; and so many goddamn papers, like, just boxes full of papers.
Lax PetSmart Background Check Allows Deranged Gerbil To Slip Through The Cracks #~# PHOENIX—Retail chain PetSmart Inc. came under fire this week after a police investigation revealed the company’s loose background-screening process had allowed a deranged gerbil to slip through the cracks and be sold to a Los Angeles family, despite the rodent having reportedly exhibited sociopathic tendencies such as hoarding pellets, maniacally shredding wood chips, and hiding itself away in dark holes. “We wish to extend our deepest apologies to Mr. and Mrs. Richardson and their children, as well as commend them for catching the early warning signs of their pet’s psychosis and turning the animal over to authorities,” PetSmart public relations manager Jeff Davis said of the unhinged gerbil, who according to family members exhibited extensive troubling behavior, often squeaking to itself late into the night and then shitting all over the house. “Though we at PetSmart remain humbled by this unfortunate incident, we would like to assure animal lovers everywhere that thorough background checks are paramount in our screening process, and that we carefully review each animal’s credit history, criminal record, and social media use prior to its sale.” Davis added that the mishap was the first of its kind at the company since 2003, when a store accidentally sold a goldfish with a history of suicidal ideation.
Congressman Torn Between Meaningless Pledge To Anti-Tax Zealot, Well-Being Of Nation #~# WASHINGTON—Amid ongoing negotiations in Congress over the looming “fiscal cliff,” Rep. Tom Reed (R-NY) told reporters Wednesday he is “completely torn” between his commitment to conservative activist Grover Norquist’s meaningless anti-tax pledge and the general welfare of the entire country. “On the one hand, you have a nonsensical promise to blindly oppose tax increases regardless of circumstances, but on the other, you have the well-being of more than 300 million people and the long-term stability of the entire U.S. economy,” said Reed, adding that he is “really stuck between a rock and a hard place” now that he must decide between his loyalty to a dogmatic political lobbyist and his responsibility to serve the best interests of his constituents. “At the end of the day, it’s a question of whether a nonbinding signature on an outdated and worthless pledge written 26 years ago is more important than preventing the nation from completely going to hell. I just don’t know what to do here.” When reached for comment, Norquist urged the pledge’s signatories in Congress to “remember what’s really important” before sacrificing utterly irrational principles for the sake of the country’s future.
Dept. Of Interior Releases New Stick #~# WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of the Interior held a press conference Wednesday to announce the release of a new stick. “The stick is a maple stick, is 14 inches long, and is sure to please casual nature lovers and serious stick enthusiasts alike,” Interior Secretary Ken Salazar said of the stick, which has a little bark peeling off one end and a sort of nub coming off it at a 45-degree angle. “We think it will make a perfect complement to our other 38 billion sticks currently in circulation.” Salazar added that his personal favorite feature of the new stick, which will be deposited onto a forest floor in New Hampshire in March, is that if you break it in half, it becomes two sticks.
'Boy Meets World' Spin Off To Focus On Difficulties Of Raising Autistic Child #~# LOS ANGELES—Delighting fans of the popular ’90s sitcom, producers at ABC announced Tuesday that Cory Matthews, Topanga Lawrence, and other beloved characters from Boy Meets World will soon return to the small screen in Girl Meets World, an hour-long drama that centers on the couple as they struggle to raise a severely autistic daughter. “Children of the ’90s rejoice: Cory and Topanga are back and better than ever as the parents of 13-year-old Riley, an autistic teenager whose debilitating disabilities prevent her from fitting in with peers, understanding basic instructions, or showing any affection for her parents whatsoever,” executive producer Michael Jacobs said of the new show, in which the family also copes with long periods of unemployment, their daughter’s medical expenses, and the loss of Pvt. Eric Matthews in the Afghanistan War. “We’re thrilled that Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel will reprise their roles from the original series, as both are skilled performers capable of portraying the deep personal anguish that will follow their characters as they navigate the harsh realities of 21st-century American life.” Jacobs also confirmed that noted character actor William Daniels would return to the series as retired educator George Feeny, who has been admitted to hospice care after developing Alzheimer’s disease.
Powerball Jackpot Reaches $550 Million #~# Strong sales of Powerball tickets have been reported across the United States ahead of tonight’s drawing, as the multistate lottery game’s jackpot has swelled to a record half billion dollars. What do you think?
Game Changer #~# As I write this to you, Smoove is in pain. This is not the heart pain I expose to the world week after week in this column. No, today Smoove is in body pain. If I may be perfectly honest, it is quite a bit of body pain.
Please Click On Our Website's Banner Ads #~# As a regular columnist for The Onion and a respected analyst and surveyor of the advertising scene, it has been my distinct honor to pen this weekly editorial detailing the changing landscape of the American ad industry. However, if I may, I wish to devote today's column to a somewhat different thesis. Yes, today I come to you not as a cultural critic, nor even as an objective journalist, but instead as a man who is imploring you to stop reading this column immediately and to click on the wide assortment of banner ads currently adorning TheOnion.com.
Latvian Diplomat Tells Amusing Human Development Index Anecdote On 'U.N. Tonight! With Ban Ki-Moon' #~# NEW YORK—In a highly anticipated episode of the popular talk show U.N. Tonight! With Ban Ki-Moon, Latvian representative to the United Nations and frequent guest Normans Penke delighted the late-night program’s studio audience Tuesday with a humorous human development index anecdote.
GOP Lawmakers May Break Anti-Tax Pledge #~# In order to reach a bipartisan deal to prevent the nation from going over the “fiscal cliff,” several top Republicans have stated they would defy their vow to oppose any and all tax revenue increases, a pledge advocated by anti-tax activist Grover Norquist. What do you think?
Marilyn Jacobs #~# Marilyn Jacobs, 73, died after a brief illness but a really long scream.
Disturbance Of Arafat's Grave Casts Horrible Curse On Middle East #~# Desecration Of Tomb To Usher In Generations Of Death, Chaos
BREAKING: No Way Egypt Coming Out Of This With A Functional Democracy #~# CAIRO—Following countrywide protests against President Mohamed Morsi’s sweeping assertions of executive power, sources confirmed Tuesday that, just so you know, there’s no chance whatsoever that Egypt is emerging from all this with a functional and active democracy. “These decrees are temporary and exist only to ensure a smooth transition to a representative government for all Egyptians,” Morsi said in a recent statement, which, to be clear, is not indicative of anything that will actually happen and only masks an inevitable future in which the fundamental democratic rights of every Egyptian citizen continue to be oppressed. “This level of authority is necessary in order to implement a new constitution, appoint a democratically elected parliament, and [a bunch of other carefully crafted rhetorical bullshit that is totally meaningless since the people of Egypt will in no way be allowed to have any real say in the political or ideological future of their country, which, again, will not in reality resemble anything close to a true democracy whether this guy remains in power or not].” Sources also concluded that, in case you were wondering, many more protesters are going to wind up in jail or dead by the time this thing is all over.
High School For Performing Arts Student Dealing With Really Weird Social Pressures #~# PHILADELPHIA—Philadelphia High School for Performing and Visual Arts student Samantha Bylum, 16, told reporters this week that she is currently experiencing an overwhelming amount of pressure to conform to some really weird social norms. “I just want to play one of the supporting roles in [Tennessee Williams’ play] Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, but I feel like I won’t be cool if I don’t try out for [the role of] Margaret,” said Bylum, who has also felt compelled by her peers to engage in bizarre, abnormal behaviors such as memorizing dialogues from Tom Stoppard’s Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead and enjoying the new Esperanza Spalding album. “Of course, if I do get the part, I’ll have to quit tap, and then everyone will think I’m a total loser.” At press time, Bylum was being mercilessly teased for never having seen the play August: Osage County.
Matt Schaub Releases Exhaustive List Of Who Deserves To Be On Texans' Roster #~# HOUSTON—Following up on his assertion that Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh is “not Houston Texan–worthy,” Texans quarterback Matt Schaub released a comprehensive list to the media Tuesday cataloging who he believes deserves a place on the team’s 53-man roster. “The following people are worthy of playing for the Houston Texans: Larry Fitzgerald, Peyton Manning, Brian Urlacher, Aldon Smith, Sebastian Janikowski,” said Schaub, reading an excerpt from the 10,000-name list, which he told reporters was compiled according to “who these people are and what they stand for.” “Additionally, Aaron Rodgers is a Texans-quality person, as are Deion Sanders, Walter Payton, Merlin Olsen, Rosa Parks, Dennis Rodman, Warren Buffett, my wonderful parents, Johnny Unitas, Suri Cruise, Manti Te’o, Genghis Khan, Calvin Johnson, and the architect Frank Lloyd Wright.” Schaub confirmed that only one current Texan is included on the list: second-string fullback Tyler Clutts.
Palestinian Leader Arafat Exhumed #~# Following an investigation that found polonium-210, a lethal chemical, on articles of his clothing, the body of longtime Palestinian nationalist leader Yasser Arafat, who died in 2004, was exhumed today to determine whether he was poisoned. What do you think?
That's Fine, Area Girlfriend To See 'Anna Karenina' When Visiting Mom Over Christmas #~# PHILADELPHIA—Having been talked by her boyfriend into seeing Skyfall instead, a movie he insisted they would both enjoy, local girlfriend Chelsea Condos, 27, confirmed Saturday that it’s fine, she’ll just go to Anna Karenina with her mother when she visits her parents over Christmas. “No, no, it’s fine—I can just see it with my mom,” Condos said to the boyfriend, who also resisted her suggestion of viewing Life Of Pi on claims that he had not read any reviews of it yet. “It’ll be more fun watching it with my mom, anyway. We can just see the James Bond thing tonight.” At press time, Condos was unaware that her vocal anticipation of the upcoming release of Les Misérables would ultimately culminate in the couple going to see Django Unchained.
Filthy Mitt Romney Delivers Campaign Speech To Audience Of Confused Shoppers In Ohio Safeway #~# CANTON, OH—According to eyewitnesses at the scene, an unkempt and thoroughly disheveled Mitt Romney gave an impassioned campaign speech Monday to a group of bewildered shoppers inside a local Safeway.
Abortions In U.S. Fall To Decade Low #~# The overall number and rate of abortions in the United States fell 5 percent from 2008 to 2009, the biggest drop in at least a decade, according to the most recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. What do you think?
New Season Of 'Downton Abbey' Jumps Forward To Year 2121 #~# LONDON—Fans of the wildly popular period drama Downton Abbey were delighted Friday when producers announced that, following another successful run on British television this fall, the show has been renewed for a fourth season, which they confirmed will be set in the Roaring 2120s.
42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record #~# NEW YORK—According to emergency personnel, early estimates indicate that more than 42 million Americans were killed this past weekend in what is now believed to be the bloodiest Black Friday shopping event in history.
Detectives Overlooked Casey Anthony's 'I Killed My Daughter' AMA On Reddit #~# ORLANDO, FL—More than a year after Casey Anthony was acquitted of her daughter’s murder, the Florida sheriff’s office that investigated the case admitted Monday that it had overlooked a key piece of evidence: a discussion thread Anthony posted on the social news site Reddit titled “I killed my daughter AMA.” “I am Casey Anthony, a 22-year-old mom who just murdered her 2-year-old daughter and hid her body in the woods. Ask me anything!” read an introductory bio at the top of the June 16, 2008 thread, in which Anthony responded in detail to users’ questions about how she knocked her child unconscious with chloroform before suffocating her with duct tape and attempting to cover up the incriminating evidence. “I’ll be on here for the next couple hours, happy to talk about any part of my experience and share tips, especially if you’re thinking about doing this yourself. I’m an open book!” Investigators confirmed that Anthony’s post about how to properly stash your dead daughter’s corpse in a trash bag and store it in the trunk of your car received more than 500 up-votes.
Thanksgiving Weekend Draws Record Number Of Shoppers #~# With many Black Friday sales beginning earlier this year—including several that started on Thanksgiving night—stores and online retailers together lured a record 247 million shoppers this weekend and took in more than $59 billion. What do you think?
Dad Holds Best Buy Salesman's Feet To Fire With Question About HDTV Compatibility #~# CANTON, OH—Not one to be given the runaround, local dad Mark Shawsky, 56, made sure to really hold a Best Buy sales clerk’s feet to the fire while inquiring about HDTV accessories, sources confirmed Sunday. “The double-shielded wire is going to give me the best resolution, right? So I’m not going to get home and find out this HDMI cord isn’t the right one to hook my TV up to my Blu-ray player?” said Shawsky, decisively demonstrating to all within earshot that he was neither a fool nor some know-nothing off the street who could be taken advantage of. “I’m pretty sure this is the right one, but I want to know if you know. You’re supposed to be the expert. I should get the double-shielded wire, correct?” At press time, sources reported no one—not even Mr. Fancy Blue Shirt—was going to slick-talk Mark Shawsky into a bad purchase.
Brandon Roy Finally Invests In Home Arthroscopic Surgery Kit #~# MINNEAPOLIS—After suffering another setback in a long line of chronic knee issues, Minnesota Timberwolves guard Brandon Roy announced Monday that he has finally purchased a do-it-yourself arthroscopic surgery kit for at-home joint repairs. “It’s so much more convenient being able to perform a meniscectomy or ACL reconstruction right from the comfort of your own bed,” Roy said of the kit, which contains arthroscopes, scalpels, forceps, hook and planing knives, biting clamps, local anesthesia, and an easy-to-follow 14,000-page instruction manual. “It takes a little while to get the hang of, but this way I don’t have to deal with the hassle of going all the way to the hospital and waiting for hours on end for an overpriced orthopedic surgeon. Just this morning I made a quick incision and shaved off some damaged cartilage around my patellar tendon, saving myself a trip to the ER and a few thousand bucks.” At press time, Roy was scrubbing up after tearing the PCL and MCL in his right knee while talking to reporters.
Baby Knocked Out With Cough Syrup Praised For Being Such A Good Little Traveler #~# NEWARK, NJ—Rendered unconscious by a powerful sleep-inducing cough suppressant, 8-month-old Emma Janofsky reportedly won praise from fellow airline passengers Sunday for being “such a good little traveler.” “Look at that, she’s not even stirring—what a perfect sleepy angel!” Deborah Lesser said of the nearly comatose Janofsky, whose pulse slowed dramatically as her internal organs struggled to process the potent cocktail of chemicals her parents had mixed into her applesauce. “I just can’t get over how precious and well behaved she is. You must be so proud.” Thanking Lesser, Janofsky’s mother then excused herself to carry her limp, drooling daughter to the lavatory to deal with the infant’s desperate attempt to expel the drug from her bowels.
UN: HIV Infections Down Sharply #~# According to the United Nations, there were 700,000 fewer new cases of HIV last year than in 2001, with 25 low- and middle-income countries reporting 50- to 73-percent reductions in new infections. What do you think?
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of November 26, 2012 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Just A Gray TV Screen #~# PBS
Enter to win the chance to customize the name & location in an Onion article #~# The Onion will use 10 AT&T winner's names and locations in Onion articles over a ten-day span on our site, from 12/10-12/24.  To enter: log on to www.giftmoneycantbuy.com and follow instructions to submit official entry form.
Cash Cab #~# Discovery
Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving #~# Citizens throughout the United States are celebrating Thanksgiving at home with family. What are you thankful for this year?
Dez Bryant Smacks Son During Thanksgiving Game Promo #~# DALLAS—Posing with his family in a 10-second promotional spot for the NFL that aired during Thursday’s game between the Cowboys and Redskins, Dallas wide receiver Dez Bryant could be seen reproachfully smacking his son, Zayne Bryant, whom he noticed squirming around midway through the commercial. “Hi, I’m Dez Bryant. On this special day, our family would just like to wish you a—Zayne, cut it out,” said Bryant, who then hit the back of his son’s head in frustration, smiled and attempted to regain his composure during what the ad’s director confirmed was the cleanest take he could get. “Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving, from our home to—stop crying, now.” Sources confirmed that as soon as the camera cut away, Bryant began strangling his mother, Angela.
Not A Shithole #~# It’s not a shithole. Sure, it could use some work, the plumbing’s not great, and there might be a foundation issue, but come on, a shithole? Why does everyone keep saying that?
BREAKING: Cousin Mark Coming After All #~# RESTON, VA—In an unexpected turn of events, Aunt Trisha announced Thursday that her son Mark is actually coming to Thanksgiving dinner after all, confirming that the 29-year-old can definitely make it now. “I guess he doesn’t have to take that holiday shift,” said Aunt Trisha shortly after receiving a brief telephone call from Mark. “I just checked and he’ll probably get here right about when we start. So we can set an extra plate. It’s a shame Todd can’t make it, too.” At press time, sources were unable to corroborate reports that cousin Mark was bringing his girlfriend, Stephanie, but had confirmed numerous rumors that he was stopping at the liquor store on his way over.
Grandson Has Long Hair #~# Like a Girl—He Has Girl Hair
Calm Sense Of Impending Violence Returns To Middle East As Ceasefire Brokered #~# GAZA CITY—Following today’s announcement of an official ceasefire between Hamas and Israel, putting an end to eight straight days of widespread violence along the Gaza Strip, sources confirmed that the region has now finally returned to a calm, tranquil sense of imminent violence. “Thank goodness we can all go back to our quiet, normal lives in which the prospect of widespread bloodshed constantly looms over us every second of every day,” said Gaza resident Tamer Bisharat, 42, echoing the sentiments of millions of Israelis and Palestinians glad to return to a state of unbearably tense normalcy. “It’s just nice to know that I can safely go outside again, knowing that all is peaceful, still, and constantly on the verge of erupting into sudden, full-scale warfare at any given time.” At press time, relieved residents of Israel and Gaza were planning to spend the rest of the week unwinding, relaxing with their families, and imagining over and over being killed in an exploding bus.
Andrew Bynum Admits Pain In Knees Small Price To Pay For Philadelphia Fans' Misery #~# PHILADELPHIA—Speaking to reporters after suffering a setback with lingering injuries, 76ers center Andrew Bynum admitted Wednesday that the intense pain in his knees was completely worthwhile considering all the misery it’s causing the Philadelphia fan base. “I’d easily take a full season of this just to keep watching all these assholes crying and whining on message boards,” said Bynum, adding that every bitching sports talk radio host makes him wish he could go through surgery all over again. “Do you think I would have admitted that I hurt myself while bowling if it wasn’t this fun to make these Philly fans suffer? God, this is way better than trying to bring these awful people a championship.” As of press time, the Eagles have announced they will re-sign head coach Andy Reid to a four-year deal just to see the look on their fucking fans’ faces.
Elmo Puppeteer Resigns Amid Sex Scandal #~# Kevin Clash, who served for 28 years as the puppeteer and voice of the popular Sesame Street character Elmo, resigned yesterday amid allegations that he engaged in sexual relationships with two teenage boys. What do you think?
The Onion's Guide To Hosting A Perfect Thanksgiving #~# Every host wants to pull off the perfect holiday gathering with a delicious, stress-free meal that leaves friends and family happy and satisfied. Here are some helpful tips to ensure your Thanksgiving is pleasant and memorable:
Apes Suffer Midlife Crises #~# A study of more than 500 captive apes found the primates experienced a decrease in happiness from the end of their childhoods until middle age, at which point their overall mood appeared to steadily improve, mirroring the pattern seen in humans. What do you think?
Patriots vs. Jets #~# The Jets host the Patriots in a battle between an elite quarterback and, well, it's Thanksgiving, so nicer not to say anything at all.
Cowboys vs. Redskins #~# The Cowboys host the Redskins for a game that will go to whoever wants it more, unless the team that wants it more fumbles six or seven times.
Animal Cops: Houston #~# Animal Planet
3BR/2.5BA/1KT/68EO/​16WN/4CF/12D/1MS(s) Paradise! #~# Newly available townhouse features three bedrooms, two and a half baths, one kitchen, 68 electrical outlets, 16 windows, four ceiling fans, 12 doors, and a large, spacious mausoleum shared with the adjoining unit.
Study: Everyone, Everything Linked To Paranoia #~# BALTIMORE—According to a study published Tuesday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have succeeded in conclusively linking everyone and everything everywhere to paranoia.
Nation's Uncles Enter Last Stage Of Prep For Thursday's Thanksgiving Debates #~# WASHINGTON—Sequestered in their homes today to review talking points on a range of topics from gay marriage to Gaza to the wisdom of purchasing a hybrid car, the nation’s uncles have reportedly entered their final stages of preparation for Thursday’s highly anticipated sit-down Thanksgiving dinner debates. “Now, now—now Bob—Bob!—you can’t just go saying… Hold on—you can’t just go saying that without considering the consequences,” said the loudmouth contrarians, talking into their mirrors as they vigorously rehearsed various interruptions and smug denunciations on subjects such as political bias in the media and whether or not underage nephews should be allowed to have a few sips of wine on a holiday. “If you thought about—thank you, Mary, it was delicious—if you thought about the consequences for one second, you’d realize how completely wrong that plan is. That’s exactly what these congressmen think, and that’s why we’re headed off a fiscal cliff. You see?” Sources confirmed the nation’s uncles are drafting their closing remarks around the theme of how the crust on the pumpkin pie could be “a little flakier.”
Greenhouse Gas Levels Reach All-Time High #~# Last year, according to the World Meteorological Organization, atmospheric concentrations of greenhouse gases—including carbon dioxide, methane, and nitrous oxide—rose to their highest levels ever recorded. What do you think?
Struggling American Airlines To Shutter Air Passenger Service To Focus On 'American Way' Magazine #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Claiming the drain on time and resources involved in operating an airline was preventing them from pursuing their true goals as a publisher, officials at American Airlines announced Tuesday they would discontinue air service in order to concentrate on writing and editing American Way magazine. “Our first love is and always has been our travel and lifestyle magazine—in fact, distributing American Way is the reason we first got into air travel back in 1930,” said former American Airlines CEO and current American Way editor-in-chief Thomas Horton. “Sadly, the publishing industry is changing, and we can no longer afford to use the seat-back pockets of a major international airline to maintain our print circulation. It’s simply not a cost effective way to run our magazine.” The corporate refocusing is expected to be the most influential change to the travel industry since 1991, when Pan Am Airways ceased operations to concentrate on its music career.
Secretary Of Education Forced To Take Up Stripping To Put Nation Through School #~# TAMPA, FL—Saying it was his only real option to earn much-needed cash, U.S. Education Secretary Arne Duncan told reporters Tuesday he had been forced to start working as an erotic dancer at the local strip club Peaches in order to put the nation’s students through school.
Jessica Simpson Reveals Slimmer Figure After Chopping Off Limbs #~# LOS ANGELES—Silencing gossip in the media about her weight, singer and actress Jessica Simpson wowed crowds this weekend when she stepped out in Beverly Hills with a trim new figure, flaunting her slender frame for the first time since chopping off all her limbs in October. “Gurl srsly looks ah-mazing!” Hollywood blogger Perez Hilton wrote under photographs of the starlet being wheeled into a shoe store, reportedly a whole 80 pounds lighter than she was last month. “Paps snapped our girl de-stressing with some retail therapy, and mama is looking fabulous with her slimmed-down frame! We are so proud of you, Jess!” When reached for comment, Simpson said the process of taking off the weight was “easy, fun, and the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.”
Jessica Simpson Reveals Slimmer Figure After Chopping Off Limbs #~# LOS ANGELES—Silencing gossip in the media about her weight, singer and actress Jessica Simpson wowed crowds this weekend when she stepped out in Beverly Hills with a trim new figure, flaunting her slender frame for the first time since chopping off all her limbs in October. “Gurl srsly looks ah-mazing!” Hollywood blogger Perez Hilton wrote under photographs of the starlet being wheeled into a shoe store, reportedly a whole 80 pounds lighter than she was last month. “Paps snapped our girl de-stressing with some retail therapy, and mama is looking fabulous with her slimmed-down frame! We are so proud of you, Jess!” When reached for comment, Simpson said the process of taking off the weight was “easy, fun, and the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.”
Fighting Continues Over World's Holiest Bombing Sites #~# JERUSALEM—Bitter fighting between Israel and Hamas reportedly showed no signs of abating Tuesday as both sides continued to lay exclusive claim to several of the most sacred bombing sites in the world.
U.S. Headed For Fiscal Cliff #~# Unless Democrats and Republicans can reach an agreement by Jan. 1, 2013, the United States will go over the so-called “fiscal cliff,” triggering automatic spending cuts and tax increases that many experts believe could plunge the nation back into recession. Here is what will happen if the government fails to act:
Only College Student Staying On Campus Planning Saddest Thanksgiving Meal Of All Time #~# CLEVELAND—Case Western Reserve University freshman Brian Calabrese, 18, who will be the only student staying on campus this holiday weekend, is planning the saddest little Thanksgiving meal in history of the world, sources told reporters today.
8-Year-Old Palestinian Boy Pleasantly Surprised He Hasn't Been Killed Yet #~# GAZA CITY—As civilian casualties continue to mount amid the escalating conflict along the Gaza Strip, 8-year-old Palestinian boy Walid Suleiman expressed both joy and astonishment Monday that he has yet to be killed in an Israeli military attack. “Boy, I thought I’d be dead by this past Saturday for sure, but amazingly enough, here I am,” said Suleiman, adding that he is “pleased, but pretty shocked” not to be among the estimated 100 Palestinians left dead by widespread Israeli airstrikes in the region over the past six days. “I’d have bet you anything that by today they’d have already dug my corpse out from underneath a giant pile of rubble and buried me alongside the rest of my family. Guess I won the lottery, eh?” At press time, incoming Israeli aircraft could be heard swiftly approaching as Suleiman limped back to his home.
Area Father Beginning To Suspect 3-Year-Old A Real Ding-Dong #~# CLEVELAND—Local dad Kevin Marshall, 29, began to voice concerns Monday that his 3-year-old son Bryant might be a real ding-dong, household sources confirmed. “I don’t know about that kid. Starting to look like there's not much going on upstairs,” said Marshall of the 3-year-old whom he called a turkey, a dingus, and a real dud. “Sometimes I just want to say, ‘Hello! Knock, knock, you dope. Anyone home?’ I think we may have a real lemon on our hands.” Marshall confirmed that his son is “a real sweet kid, though.”
Anonymous Declares Cyberwar On Israel #~# In retaliation for Israel’s threat to cut off Internet access in Gaza, the shadowy hacker collective Anonymous launched attacks on 700 Israeli websites, downing many and replacing the home pages of others with pro-Palestinian messages. What do you think?
Area Woman Finally Uploads All 12 Million Pictures Of Her Vacation To Europe On Facebook #~# WINSTON-SALEM, NC—A laborious eight-month-long task came to an end for Facebook user Arielle Stevens on Monday, as the college junior finally finished uploading the more than 12 million photos she took during her “unforgettable” six-day vacation to Paris and Madrid last spring.
Environmental Ad Campaign Encourages Turning Shower Off After Showering #~# WASHINGTON—The Environmental Protection Agency launched a major new ad campaign Monday encouraging people to conserve resources by turning off their showers when they’re not showering. “We estimate that Americans waste up to 20 billion gallons of water each week by leaving their bathrooms with the shower still on, heading off to a full day’s work followed by a full night’s sleep, and then waking up the next morning to step into an already running shower,” administrator Lisa P. Jackson said of the EPA’s advertising effort, which includes TV spots that touts the benefits of turning showers off, such as not having a steamed-over bathroom mirror and not running out of hot water. “Nobody likes the inconvenience of having to manipulate a faucet first thing in the morning, of course, but we want to show people how the pluses of not leaving the water running all the time really can outweigh the negatives.” If the ads are a success, the EPA plans to launch a follow-up campaign in the spring urging people to conserve fuel by turning off their car engines when they return home for the night.
Brazilian Scientists To Clone Endangered Species #~# Scientists in Brazil announced their intention to clone eight native species, including the jaguar, the bush dog, and varieties of bison and deer, as part of an effort to help save the endangered animals from extinction. What do you think?
Caffeinated Cracker Jacks To Debut #~# Marketed to adults, Cracker Jack’d Power Bites—a spin-off of the classic snack—will be sold in 2-ounce packages that contain as much caffeine as two cans of cola, prompting consumer groups to warn of safety risks, particularly for children. What do you think?
That’s Too Degrading! #~# Fox
Area Man Never In Mood To Do Things He Hasn't Done Before #~# DAVENPORT, IA—Continually claiming that he’s “not up for stuff like that right now,” local resident Andrew Hughes, 27, is apparently never in the mood to take part in things he’s never done before, family and friends confirmed Friday. “Eh, that’s not really for me,” said Hughes, who regularly expresses a reluctance to engage in activities outside his normal routine of television, sitting, showering, bowling, going to work, playing video games, and grocery shopping. “I don’t feel like doing it because it would make me uncomfortable. Seems kind of like a hassle.” At press time, Hughes was reportedly feeling in the mood to do any of the eight things he’s already done.
Steelers v. Ravens #~# The Ravens battle the Steelers in a game in which both teams will leave everything on the field, making it difficult to travel across the thick layer of stuff. Onion Sports looks at what each team must do to win.
University Of Oregon Debut Controversial Fly-Ridden Duck Flesh Uniforms #~# EUGENE, OR—Now synonymous with controversial uniforms, the Oregon Ducks reached a new level of contentiousness Saturday when they took the field to play Stanford wearing helmets, jerseys, pants, socks, and shoes made entirely of rotting, feather-strewn duck flesh. “Jesus Christ, the smell and all those goddamn flies,” said Stanford head coach David Shaw, who pleaded with officials to suspend the game when a nauseous Cardinal defense started vomiting on the field, and again when slippery footballs covered in duck blood limited his team’s passing game. “I’ve said before that their uniforms can be overly distracting, but the way the sun glints off those slimy duck entrails wrapped around the waist clearly has to be some kind of violation. Plus I’ve got a halfback receiving stitches from the duck bill that snapped off a tackler’s shoulder pads and lacerated his forearm.” According to NCAA officials, an investigation into Oregon’s controversial uniforms will be conducted as soon as health officials deem the sweaty, festering duck carcasses now strewn in a sopping pile on the floor of the Autzen Stadium locker room safe enough for inspection.
Sunday, November 18 #~# Smelly Randall will be in Roosevelt Park yelling at pigeons from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., after which he’ll hold a brief Q&A.
Cool New Lakers Coach Doesn't Make Team Play Defense #~# LOS ANGELES—The mood in the Los Angeles Lakers’ locker room was upbeat this morning as players were reportedly enthusiastic about new head coach Mike D’Antoni’s policy of never forcing them to play any defense whatsoever. “Man, this new guy is awesome about letting us do whatever we like when we don’t have the ball,” said Lakers forward Pau Gasol, who predicted that defending in transition would be much more fun now that he doesn’t have to hustle or guard anyone. “Our old coach always lectured us about boring stuff like closing out on the ball and challenging shots, but new Mike doesn’t care about any of that. He’s the best.” Gasol added that he hoped D’Antoni wouldn’t turn out to be too much of a hardass about requiring the team to win a lot of games this year.
5-Year-Old Says 'Sesame Street' Has Sucked Since 2010 #~# NEW YORK—Claiming that it’s “been going downhill for a while now,” lifelong Sesame Street viewer Brayden Granger, 5, told reporters Friday that he believes the popular children’s show has sucked since 2010. “The guest stars have been terrible this season—Zac Efron, really?—and the new cast sucks, too,” said Granger, who criticized the show’s writers for “totally screw[ing] up the Big Bird character.” “The season opener was okay, I guess. The letter P, that was pretty great. Problem is, though, you have to sit through a bunch of crap to get to those gems. You never had to do that back in 2009.” Granger added that despite the decline in quality, he would probably continued to watch the show “at least twice a day.”
Robert Pattinson Looking Forward To Taking On More Serious Vampire Roles After Conclusion Of 'Twilight' Films #~# LOS ANGELES—During a press junket for Breaking Dawn Part 2 Friday, actor Robert Pattinson told reporters that with The Twilight Saga now behind him, he is eager to branch out into different, more serious vampire roles. “Twilight has obviously been wonderful for my career, and I’m thankful for its success, but I’m looking forward to extending my range and playing more sophisticated, multifaceted vampire characters,” said Pattison, adding that while he enjoyed portraying Edward Cullen in the five Twilight movies, he’s interested in future projects that deal with “darker, grittier” themes, such as vampire mental illness, vampire poverty, and vampire drug addiction. “I’d love to challenge myself with more complex, harder-hitting material, maybe as a vampire war veteran struggling to return to civilian life, a gay vampire living with AIDS, or a Jewish vampire during the Holocaust.” At press time, Pattinson’s representatives confirmed the actor had just signed on to star in an upcoming biopic of vampire Jonas Salk and his search to find a cure for vampire polio.
Laid-Off Hostess Employee Forced To Look For Creme-Injecting Job Elsewhere #~# GRAND PRAIRIE, TX—Following Friday’s announcement that Hostess Brands was shuttering its facilities and ceasing operations, laid-off employee Howard Brock told reporters he was now in the difficult position of finding creme-injection work with another company. “The economy is tough right now, so I hope I can find another job filling cake interiors with creme,” said Brock, a veteran creme injector with more than 15 years experience injecting chocolate, vanilla, and peanut butter cremes for Hostess. “I’ve also done some unskilled work as a frosting layer, coconut duster, and icing squiggler, but I hope it never comes to that. Luckily for me, no matter how bad the economy gets, companies are always going to need people who know how to inject food products with rich creme centers.” At press time, Brock had reportedly opted for freelance creme-injecting work until he could find a more permanent position.
Hostess Brands Going Out Of Business #~# Hostess Brands, the manufacturer of such iconic products as Twinkies, Ho Hos, and Wonder Bread, announced that it would shut its doors permanently and liquidate its assets. What do you think?
Bears Trainers Worried Concussed Jay Cutler May Never Sulk Again #~# CHICAGO—Bears trainers were reportedly worried about the significant concussion suffered by Jay Cutler during Chicago's loss to the Texans Sunday, expressing fears that the traumatic brain injury might prevent the petulant quarterback from ever sulking again. “Unfortunately, our post-concussion assessments and cognitive testing revealed that Jay has shown a loss of brain function manifesting itself in problems with scowling, a difficulty expressing annoyance, and an inability to bitch about others,” said the Bears head athletic trainer, Chris Hanks. “At this point, it doesn’t look like he’ll ever sulk properly again and will constantly struggle to effectively mope around on the field or the sidelines.” Bears players and coaches as well as numerous NFL scouts confirmed they were confident Cutler would prove doubters wrong by not only sulking, but also throwing hissy fits again like an All-Pro shithead.
Lifelong Boise Resident Realizes He's Never Been To Morrison Knudsen Nature Center #~# BOISE, ID—Explaining to reporters that he’s been meaning to see it for years, lifelong Boise resident Dale Kirkbride acknowledged Friday that he has never visited the city’s popular Morrison Knudsen Nature Center. “I know, I know—I really should get out there, but I never seem to find the time,” said Kirkbride, who confirmed numerous friends and coworkers have told him the butterfly gardens alone are worth the price of admission. “Everyone loves the Morrison Knudsen. It’s what people come to Boise to see. Meanwhile, I’ve lived 10 minutes away from it my whole life and somehow never gotten around to it. What’s wrong with me?” At press time, sources confirmed Kirkbride had at long last visited the nature center, where he looked around briefly, bought a hat in the gift shop, and then drove back home.
T.G.I. Friday's Unveils New Jeff Daniels Barbecue Sauce #~# CARROLLTON, TX—Looking to infuse its menu with “a little kick,” T.G.I. Friday’s this week introduced its new Jeff Daniels Barbecue Sauce, a “smoky-sweet glaze” that will serve as the cornerstone for a variety of new entrées inspired by the Golden Globe–nominated actor. “By partnering with Jeff Daniels, we’re bringing together our craveable dishes of steaks, ribs, and burgers with a name synonymous with hot and tangy flavors,” T.G.I. Friday’s vice president of marketing Marissa Langford said in a press release, adding that patrons can choose from a selection of sauces including Jeff Daniels Original, Jeff Daniels Mesquite Marinade, and Sweet Baby Jeff’s Vintage Smokehouse BBQ Sauce. “In celebration of our Jeffed-up new menu, we’re offering our Sizzlin’ Jeff Daniels Sirloin Steak—a 10-ounce fire-grilled Black Angus strip basted with Jeff Daniels Honey Chipotle Sauce and served with a side of crispy jalapeños—for only $10.99. Believe me: Our signature Friday’s recipes seasoned with pure Jeff Daniels is a combination your mouth won’t want to miss.” When reached for comment, Daniels replied that he is “looking forward to sharing [his] passion for barbecue sauce with T.G.I. Friday’s diners everywhere."
Pistons Lose To Elementary School Girls Team After Big Night From 4'9" Center #~# DETROIT—The woeful start to the Pistons’ season continued Thursday when dominant 4-foot, 9-inch center Shauna Thompson led the Thirkell Elementary School girls basketball team to an authoritative 88-72 victory over 1-8 Detroit.
Secession Petitions Filed In All 50 States #~# Following President Obama’s reelection, residents in all 50 states have filed petitions on the White House website requesting secession from the union, with six states receiving the 25,000 signatures needed for the administration to issue an official response. What do you think?
Doctors Refuse To Clear Concussed Michael Vick After He Claims Eagles Can Still Make Playoffs #~# PHILADELPHIA—As they continued to monitor the 12-year veteran for concussion symptoms, Eagles team doctors announced this morning that they would not clear quarterback Michael Vick to play this Sunday after hearing him claim his team “still has a great chance” to make the playoffs. “When Michael said that it immediately raised all kinds of medical red flags,” said head physician Dr. Peter DeLuca, adding that highly irrational delusions such as Vick’s were a classic symptom of severe concussions. “As a doctor, I cannot in good conscience let a player walk onto the field believing that the Philadelphia Eagles—a 3-6 team that has already lost to both the Cardinals and the goddamn Detroit Lions—have even the faintest hope of reaching the postseason.” DeLuca confirmed that medical personnel grew even more concerned about Vick’s condition after the quarterback held up seven fingers when asked how many more games the Eagles would win this season.
BP CEO: 'We Deeply Regret The Tragic Loss Of $4.5 Billion' #~# LONDON—After his company agreed to plead guilty to 14 criminal charges in connection with the Deep Horizon accident and oil spill, BP chief executive Bob Dudley released an official statement Thursday expressing his “profound and heartfelt remorse” over the loss of $4.5 billion in fines. “All of us at BP deeply regret any negligence on our part that may have led to this tragic oil spill and the tremendous damage it has inflicted upon our profitability,” Dudley said of the disaster that may eventually cost his company more than $40 billion in settlements and penalties. “We never intended to upset the incredibly delicate balance of our finances, and efforts to restore the billions of dollars lost in this unspeakable catastrophe will continue until we ensure ensure just compensation for every last shareholder.” Reached for further comment, Dudley told reporters that while he feels “tremendous sorrow over losing $4.5 billion,” he’s just thankful it only amounts to 1 percent of the company’s gross revenue for 2011.
Paula Broadwell Crashing On Petraeus Family’s Couch Until Sex Scandal Blows Over #~# SPRINGFIELD, NH—In an effort to escape the intense media scrutiny surrounding her recently exposed liaison with former CIA director David Petraeus, Paula Broadwell is reportedly crashing on the Petraeus family’s couch until the uproar blows over. “Holly [Petraeus] has been the most gracious hostess throughout this whole ordeal,” Broadwell said of the woman whom she once spent hours interviewing while having an affair with her husband and writing his biography. “I wouldn’t blame her if the arrangement has left her feeling a little put out—houseguests can be a pretty big inconvenience—but she’s been really sweet about it. She gave me a couple of David’s old Army uniforms to sleep in and some fleece blankets from the closet.” At press time, sources confirmed Broadwell’s offer to help Holly Petraeus do the dishes had been politely rebuffed.
New Al-Qaeda Recruit Sick Of Hearing Senior Terrorists Brag About 9/11 Attacks #~# BANNU, PAKISTAN—Less than two months after joining the militant Islamist organization al-Qaeda, recently recruited operative Umar Hassan told reporters Tuesday he has already grown tired of listening to senior terrorists brag about the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. “The older guys never shut up about it,” said Hassan, adding that “it’s always Twin Towers this and hijackers that” with the veterans. “Don’t get me wrong—9/11 was awesome and really helped put the name out there. Now it’s kind of a problem, though. Because it was so iconic and our first big break, it’s like there’s nothing we can do that’s, you know, bigger than that. We’re working on some cool stuff right now, some biological stuff I think is really solid. But sometimes it feels like no one even notices because they’re always going on and on about something that happened 11 goddamn years ago.” Hassan added that he actually thought the 9/11 attacks were slightly overrated, noting that “they didn’t even hit the White House.”
Palestinian Family Trapped Under Rubble Thrilled To Hear 'Gaza' Trending On Twitter #~# BEIT LAHIA, GAZA STRIP—As her husband and three children remained trapped beneath burning debris from an Israeli airstrike, Gaza resident Adliya al-Haddad, 34, told reporters Thursday that she and her family were beside themselves with excitement after hearing that “Gaza” was a trending topic on the social networking site Twitter. “Did you guys hear that? Everyone’s talking about us on Twitter!” al-Haddad shouted joyfully while she attempted to free her bloodied, unconscious son from beneath a fallen beam pinning him to the ground. “Check out how many people are tweeting about us! We’re seriously blowing up.” At press time, al-Haddad’s critically injured, barely breathing daughter was hoping the Gaza hashtag would receive “some Twitter love” from a person with a large number of followers “like Katy Perry or Bruno Mars.”
Bubba Gump Shrimp Owner Comforts Depressed Guy Fieri #~# 'I've Been There, Bud,' Says Fellow Restaurant Owner
Busy Mom Wishes She Had Enough Spare Time To Fuck CIA Director #~# MEDIA, PA—Folding laundry Thursday morning as she watched television coverage of the latest revelations in the affair between Gen. David Petraeus and his biographer Paula Broadwell, local mother Dinah Cooley told reporters she wished she had enough time to fuck the director of the CIA once in a while. “What I wouldn’t give to just drop everything, slip away for a little while, and fuck a CIA director,” Cooley said with a huff, adding that she doesn’t understand why it’s always someone else who gets to have fun fucking high-ranking military and intelligence officers. “Between cooking three meals a day, chauffeuring the kids around, and keeping this house in order, I barely have time to fuck a low-level CIA operative, much less the director of the whole agency. And even if I did get an hour alone with him, I’d probably be too exhausted to really get anything out of it.” Sighing softly as she returned to her work, Cooley added that she would just have to settle with fucking her neighbor for now.
Israel Unleashes Assault On Gaza #~# A day after killing the top military leader of Hamas in an airstrike, Israel responded to a spate of Palestinian rocket attacks by stepping up its assault on Gaza, and the conflict between the two sides has now reached its most violent level in at least four years. What do you think?
Scientists Develop Highly Volatile New Relationship #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Marking a major breakthrough in the study of highly charged atmospheres and intense fields of emotional instability, scientists at Stanford University announced Thursday they had synthesized an entirely new and extremely volatile form of romantic relationship.
Scientist: Human Race Becoming Dumber #~# Citing mutations in genes that determine intelligence, as well as the fact that modern-day humans don’t have to rely as much on intellect in order to survive and reproduce, a study by Stanford geneticist Gerald Crabtree suggests people are growing dumber. What do you think?
Saturday, November 17 and Sunday, November 18 #~# The Armenian Festival will be held this Saturday and Sunday in Moody  Park and is open to all those interested in Armenian music, food, and  crafts, as well as anyone who is just curious what people of that  ethnicity look like.
Second-Person Narrative Enthralling You #~# CHICAGO—In a piece of writing that had you intrigued from the very first clause, a second-person narrative you are reading right at this very moment is absolutely captivating you, sources reported. “Wow, I can’t believe this is happening,” you are thinking as you move through the narrative, which at first merely piqued your interest but is now completely and utterly taking hold of you, leaving you breathless with amazement. “This is incredible. Look how seamlessly my own reactions and emotions are being channeled into this marvelous piece of writing. I am absolutely eating it up.” At press time, after having delighted in a verbatim transcription of your own inner monologue, you have gained a renewed appreciation of the publication in which it is appearing, and your only regret is that its latest masterwork must now, regrettably, come to an end.
Kim Jong-Un Named The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive For 2012 [UPDATE] #~# The Onion is proud to announce that North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, 29, has officially been named the newspaper’s Sexiest Man Alive for the year 2012.
Poor Bastard Who Just Started Watching ‘Lost’ In For World Of Disappointment #~# MEDFORD, OR—Local man Adam Gould, 24, who recently began watching ABC’s science-fiction drama series Lost on DVD, is in for a whole world of disappointment, sources close to the unsuspecting schmuck confirmed Wednesday. “This show is amazing,” said Gould, who is currently working his way through the last few decent episodes of season one with no fucking idea how hard this show is about to let him down. “I’m so excited to see how they start tying all the threads together, answering the big questions. Like why is everyone on the island healing so fast, and does it have anything to do with the smoke monster? It’s all going to end with a bang, that’s for sure.” At press time, a heartbreakingly enthusiastic Gould was reportedly working on an elaborate theory about why there was a polar bear on the island.
Elmo Admits He's Uncomfortable Working With Gay Puppeteer #~# NEW YORK—While stressing that he “in no way discriminates against or dislikes homosexuals,” Sesame Street star Elmo admitted to reporters Wednesday that he is “no longer comfortable” working with his now openly gay puppeteer, Kevin Clash. “While Elmo respects Mr. Clash’s decision to come out as a gay man, it does make Elmo somewhat uneasy,” said the 26-year-old furry puppet, adding that Clash’s sexuality “conflicts with [his] personal and religious beliefs.” “Elmo simply does not agree with the gay lifestyle, and given the unique puppet-puppeteer relationship, Elmo believes that having daily physical contact with Mr. Clash as part of Elmo’s employment is now inappropriate.” At press time, Elmo had submitted an official request to the Sesame Workshop to be transferred to a different puppeteer.
Government Internet Surveillance Rising #~# Nearly doubling the figure from three years ago, the world’s governments requested access to Google’s private data almost 21,000 times during the first half of 2012, with the United States making the most demands. What do you think?
Obese Salmon Unable To Swim Upstream To Spawn #~# SEATTLE—After repeatedly gorging itself on marine sea life for more than seven years, a severely obese chinook salmon told reporters Wednesday he had grown too overweight to swim upstream and reproduce.
Hurricane Sandy Recovery Efforts #~# Relief agencies, businesses, and government are banding together with volunteers and local citizens to rebuild communities hit hard by Hurricane Sandy. Here are some of their recovery efforts:
Pepsi Introduces High-Fiber, 'Fat-Blocking' Soda #~# Aiming to attract young and health-conscious consumers, PepsiCo introduced “Pepsi Special” in Japan yesterday, a high-fiber drink that contains the water-absorbing substance dextrin, which the company claims will help reduce body fat. What do you think?
Saturday, November 17 #~# From 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. this Saturday in the Food Lion parking lot, Boy  Scout Troop 3578 will be collecting canned goods for their annual Canned  Good Target Shoot.
Widening Petraeus Scandal Reveals Human Race Has Been Having Sex For 200,000 Years #~# WASHINGTON—Following the recent revelation that former CIA director David Petraeus conducted a protracted extramarital affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell, sources confirmed today that the far-reaching scandal has widened to reveal that mankind, otherwise known as the species Homo sapiens, has been engaging in sexual intercourse for the past 200,000 years.
Nation Horrified To Learn About War In Afghanistan While Reading Up On Petraeus Sex Scandal #~# WASHINGTON—As they scoured the Internet for more juicy details about former CIA director David Petraeus’ affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, Americans were reportedly horrified today upon learning that a protracted, bloody war involving U.S. forces is currently raging in the nation of Afghanistan. “Oh my God, this is terrible,” Allie Lipscomb, 29, said after accidentally stumbling on an article about the war while she tried to ascertain details about what specific sexual acts Petraeus and Broadwell might have engaged in. “According to this, 2,000 American troops have died, 18,000 have been wounded, and more than 20,000 civilians have been killed. Jesus Christ. And it’s been happening for, like, 11 years.” Sources confirmed that after reading a few paragraphs about the brutal war, the nation quickly became distracted by a headline about Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash’s alleged sexual abuse of a 16-year-old boy.
John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John Christmas Album Plunges Nation Into Double-Dip Recession #~# NEW YORK—Financial markets were thrown into chaos and consumer confidence plunged to its lowest level in decades Tuesday following the commercial release of This Christmas, a new holiday album by John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John that economists confirmed had thrust the nation into a severe double-dip recession.
New 'Call Of Duty' Released #~# The highly anticipated first-person shooter Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2 went on sale at midnight, and according to a poll on the gaming website IGN, one in four purchasers planned to call in sick to school or work today to play the new game. What do you think?
Come On, Just Open The Door And Let Me In This Once #~# Hey, you! You in the window with the coffee and the flannel sweater! I see you in there, all cozy in your big warm house. It’s been pretty cold out here lately, what with fall turning into winter and everything, so how’s about maybe opening the front door a crack, just this once, and letting me in? C’mon, man. Help a raccoon out?
Lakers GM Claims Mike D'Antoni Had More Impressive Cover Letter Than Phil Jackson #~# LOS ANGELES—Following his team’s surprising decision not to hire Phil Jackson as its new head coach, Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak told reporters Tuesday that Mike D’Antoni had won the job by sending an incredibly polished, well-written, and far superior cover letter. “Mike really blew us away when he described his 10 years of NBA head coaching experience and his specific ideas for improving our offense,” said Kupchak, adding that the former Knicks coach also included Steve Nash, Mike Krzyzewski, and Steve Kerr as professional references, while Jackson’s letter was only a half page of double-spaced text containing numerous typos. “Frankly, Phil didn’t put a whole lot of effort into his application. In the skills section, he just wrote ‘superior communication abilities’ and ‘thriving in a fast-paced environment,’ which don’t really mean anything. Also, I think he repurposed an old letter, because it was addressed to a ‘Mr. Krause.’” At press time, upon verifying Jackson’s employment history, Kupchak confirmed that the Hall of Fame coach had lied on his résumé about having won 19 NBA championships.
Needy Nation Breaks Down After First Full Week Without Being Pandered To By Politicians #~# UNITED STATES—In a desperate fit of emotional neediness, all 314 million residents of the United States broke down today after going a whole week without the nation’s political parties, candidates, or interest groups pandering to them at every turn, sources reported.
Intern Just Happens To Be Beautiful 22-Year-Old Woman #~# NEW YORK—In a turn of events sources described as “completely coincidental in every way,” the new intern at the consulting firm Marcus, McMahon, and Grieg, in addition to being the most qualified candidate for the position, also just happens be a gorgeous 22-year-old woman, reports confirmed Tuesday.
Wal-Mart To Open On Thanksgiving Evening #~# The world's largest retailer, Wal-Mart, announced it would open its U.S. stores at 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving to kick off its annual Black Friday sales. What do you think?
Interim CIA Director Assures Nation He Engages In No Sexual Activity Whatsoever #~# WASHINGTON—Following the resignation of CIA director David Petraeus amid recent reports of marital infidelity, current acting director Michael Morell assured Americans Monday that he does not engage in any form of sexual activity whatsoever. “Under no circumstances do I ever take part in sexual acts of any kind, nor do I desire to, nor have I ever deemed this activity necessary in any way,” Morell told reporters at a press conference, explaining that his genitals are “solely for excreting urine and absolutely nothing else.” “I have never had sex in the past, I am not having sex now, and I guarantee I will never have sex in the future, be it for pleasure, procreation, or any other purpose. Indeed, I am a fully asexual being who possesses neither the need nor the inclination for sexual intercourse.” Morell then stared unblinkingly at the assembled press corps for a full five minutes.
Sources: Petraeus Knew About Affair For More Than A Year #~# WASHINGTON—High-level sources in Washington confirmed today that CIA director David Petraeus was fully aware of his extramarital affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell almost a year before the story broke last week. “All evidence suggests Petraeus quite probably had extensive and detailed knowledge about his protracted sexual relationship with Paula Broadwell as early as last fall, shortly after he began having sex with her,” said former Army spokesman Steve Boylan, adding that Petraeus was likely well informed of his own adultery throughout the course of his entire relationship with Broadwell, and may indeed have had full knowledge of various intimate details of said relationship. “There is strong reason to believe that Petraeus came across explicit e-mails sent between Mrs. Broadwell and himself not long after he wrote them, and that his awareness of the romance was more or less confirmed somewhere around the time he began having a yearlong affair with her.” Additional sources concluded it was very likely Petraeus knew he was completely fucked about 10 seconds after resigning.
BuzzFeed Editors Unsure How To Spin Petraeus Story Into Reason The '90s Were Great #~# NEW YORK—With Monday’s peak web traffic hours nearly over, editors at the viral content site BuzzFeed told reporters they were still searching for a way to incorporate the news of CIA director David Petraeus’s career-ending affair into a short article about why the 1990s were great. “I don’t know, I guess we could talk about how government officials also had affairs back in the ’90s, and then segue into the Lewinsky scandal, maybe?” BuzzFeed editor-in-chief Ben Smith said before asking staff members if anything about Petraeus could in any way be connected to the music video for the Blind Melon song “No Rain,” Crystal Pepsi, or scrunchies. “I guess Petraeus looks a little bit like David Schwimmer. Sort of. Does that work?” At press time, the editorial staff had reportedly decided to just make the article’s accompanying picture a split screen of a contrite Petraeus and a still from the animated television show Hey Arnold!
Having Gone This Far Without Caring About Syria, Nation To Finish What It Started #~# WASHINGTON—More than a year and a half after the conflict began, Americans across the country confirmed Monday that, having come this far without displaying any discernible interest whatsoever in the ongoing uprising in Syria, they are now determined to “finish the job.”
Petraeus Resigns Over Affair #~# CIA director and retired four-star Army general David Petraeus resigned after the FBI discovered his extramarital affair with Paula Broadwell, the West Point graduate, Army reservist, and Ph.D. candidate who co-wrote his biography. What do you think?
Karl Malone Still Making Posters Of Himself For Kids' Bedrooms #~# RUSTON, LA—Forty-nine-year-old NBA Hall of Famer Karl Malone told reporters Monday that in addition to helping coach Louisiana Tech’s basketball team and escaping to his second home in Alaska, he still finds time to make new posters of himself for kids to hang on their bedroom walls. “With these computer programs now, it’s super easy to make them at home, throw the files on a Zip disk, and bring them to Kinko’s, where they print them out,” said Malone, showing reporters a few of his favorite designs, including one featuring the power forward dressed in a postal service uniform that says “The Mailman,” and another of him striking a pose while dunking, which he called “a total classic.” “People think posters have gone out of style, but no way. A kid turns 12, gets to decorate his own room, what’s he gonna choose? Posters. And that’s where ‘The Mailman’ comes in.” Malone declined to comment on how much revenue is generated by his posters, saying only that he “gets by,” which is more than can be said of former Golden State Warrior Chris Mullin, who just last year ceased production of his line of Chris Mullin trading cards due to declining sales.
McDonald's Sales Down For First Time In 9 Years #~# McDonald’s worldwide sales fell 1.8 percent in October, marking the first drop in the fast food chain’s monthly sales figures since April 2003. What do you think?
5-Year-Old Feels Like She Just Wasted Whole Carousel Ride Waving To Dad #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Local 5-year-old Kimberly Hanson confirmed Sunday she regrets having spent the entirety of a recent carousel ride waving to her nearby father instead of taking in the full range of sights and sounds offered by the amusement park ride. "There I was on this huge merry-go-round, riding a beautiful purple horse as lights sparkled and happy music played, but when I saw my dad, I just couldn’t stop waving,” said the kindergartner, telling reporters she “completely missed” the carousel’s scenic 360-degree view of the state fairgrounds. "I should have just let myself enjoy the moment. Now I’ll never have an opportunity like that again.” At press time, sources confirmed a weeping Hanson appeared adequately placated by various fried foods on sticks.
Texans vs. Bears #~# The Texans battle the Bears in what could be a high-scoring defensive shootout.
Bowling Green State Just Going To Claim Christopher Lloyd As Alumnus Until Someone Calls Them Out #~# BOWLING GREEN, OH—Saying they could easily take advantage of the false assertion until someone calls them out on it, administrators at Bowling Green State University plan to start claiming Emmy Award–winning actor Christopher Lloyd as an alumnus, sources confirmed Friday. “Prestigious alumni can be a powerful recruitment tool, and seriously, who’s going to check to see whether he actually went to school here?” dean of admissions Karl Schuller reportedly said at a meeting of the university’s board of regents, later adding that even though it’s not true, it couldn’t hurt to start saying that Doc from the Back To The Future trilogy graduated from the theater program. “A prospective student would have to read our brochure, see the claim, somehow suspect we’re lying, look into the matter, and then confront us about it. Even if someone does do all that, who cares? We could still get a few enrollments out of the deal before the jig is up.” If the policy proves successful, Schuller said he remained open to the idea of adding Garfield cartoonist Jim Davis to the list of the school’s College of Arts and Sciences alumni.
I Didn’t Know You Were Pregnant! #~# TLC
Anorexic Woman At Gym Looking Good #~# CHICAGO—Citing her shapeless physique, protruding skeleton, and jaundiced complexion, gym members exercising at a local Equinox Fitness Club on Friday confirmed that the anorexic woman working out on the first floor is looking good.
Humane Society Volunteer Spends Whole Adoption Meeting Trying To Sell Family On Sicker Cat #~# TOPEKA, KS—The moment Laurie and Ronald Bergman indicated their willingness to adopt an abused 2-year-old tabby in need of a caring home, a volunteer at Helping Hands Humane Society began trying to convince the couple to take a much sicker cat instead, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I’m not saying you wouldn’t be happy with that younger cat, but ol’ Sweet Pea here is so sleepy and cuddly, you can do just about anything you want to with him,” adoption coordinator Allison Gilbert said before demonstrating how the cat still appeared to have most of his fur when held at a certain angle. “Look at how sleepy and cuddly he is! And with this little guy you don’t need to worry about spending a fortune on cat food, because Sweet Pea doesn’t have much of an appetite—do you Sweet Pea?” Gilbert reportedly went on to praise Sweet Pea’s coughlike purr and remark on how he must be really happy to see the Bergmans, seeing as he was shaking even more than usual.
Gallant Amazon User Heroically Defends 'Fringe' Season 2 Box Set From Negative Reviewers #~# TEMPE, AZ—Doughty and lionhearted Amazon.com reviewer Jason Lydon, 24, leapt to the defense of the Fringe season two box set Friday, protecting the Fox television series from the brutal comments and cutthroat low ratings of its gravest detractors. “Don’t listen to Agerybay09—Peter’s emotional arc with his father works perfectly with the development of both universes,” the valorous Lydon wrote, staving off assault after assault with the rapier-thrust of each word. “What are these clueless people talking about?? J.J. Abrams didn’t get ‘desperate’ in this season. What he did was break new ground. That’s what makes this show so brilliant and—I don’t care what batgirl_91 says—the only worthy successor to Lost The courageous Amazon user then went on to act as a human shield against falsehood on the “What can you do about hardened brown sugar?” Yahoo! Answers page.
On The Lakers Firing Coach Mike Brown After Five Games #~# Head coach Mike Brown has been fired by the Los Angeles Lakers, who have started the season with a conference-low 1-4 record despite adding Steve Nash and Dwight Howard to a roster that already includes Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol.
Extensive FAQ Page Dispels Any Lingering Confusion About Boston Duck Tour #~# BOSTON—With its abounding reams of critical information, BostonDuckTours.com’s Frequently Asked Questions page goes to great lengths to eliminate even the slightest hint of confusion that may arise when it comes to touring the city via amphibious “Duck” vehicles, company officials said Friday.
Arizona Shooter Sentenced To Life #~# Jared Loughner, the gunman who shot six dead and wounded 12 others, including former congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, outside a Tucson, AZ shopping center in January 2011, was sentenced to seven consecutive terms of life in prison, plus an additional 140 years. What do you think?
8th-Grade Health Class Squirms Throughout Entire Screening Of 'Miracle Of Abortion' #~# CANTON, MI—According to sources at Thomas E. Dewey Middle School, all 26 students in Mrs. Flannery’s fifth-period health class squirmed uncomfortably and grimaced in disgust Thursday throughout the screening of a 45-minute educational video titled The Miracle Of Abortion.
Hurricane Sandy Victims Receive Roethlisberger’s Sexually Disturbing Thoughts And Prayers #~# NEW YORK—Hurricane Sandy victims reportedly received the sexually disturbing thoughts and prayers of Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger this week when the two-time Super Bowl champion sent out his incredibly depraved hopes that East Coast residents were safe and ready for throbbing hard cock.
Women To Be 20 Percent Of Senate #~# Women will occupy a record 20 of the U.S. Senate’s 100 seats when the 113th Congress opens in January, the result of numerous high-profile election victories, including Elizabeth Warren’s in Massachusetts and Tammy Baldwin’s in Wisconsin. What do you think?
Little Wonder Tomato Steamer System #~# Fox
Ben Affleck Defends Decision To Set 'Argo' In Boston #~# BOSTON—In an interview published today in Entertainment Weekly, actor-director Ben Affleck responded to movie reviewers’ near-unanimous criticism of his decision to set Argo, his new film about the Iranian hostage crisis, in modern-day Boston. “We wanted to take this story that everyone knows—the CIA’s rescue of six U.S. diplomats from militant Islamist captors in 1979—and use the cultural backdrop of South Boston to explore it in this whole new way,” said Affleck, explaining that he and the film’s producers considered several other locations, including New York and Tehran, before deciding the movie should take place in Boston. “We stayed true to this tale of international intrigue and theocratic infighting, but at the same time infused it with some of the Southie grit that, you know, really captures the streets of blue-collar Boston. When viewers see the main character, Grand Ayatollah Sully, drive past those classic Boston landmarks—Faneuil Hall, Harvard Yard, Fenway—I think that’s when Argo is going to resonate with them most.” Affleck also confirmed that his next film, a remake of Martin Scorsese’s The Departed set in present-day Boston, will begin shooting in spring 2014.
Romney Spends Day Tearfully Apologizing At Father's Grave #~# BRIGHTON, MI—Visitors to Brighton’s Fairview Cemetery confirmed that since early this morning, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has been kneeling at his father’s gravestone and tearfully apologizing to the late politician for his loss to Barack Obama in Tuesday’s election. “All I ever wanted to do was please you, and I failed. I am so, so sorry,” Romney reportedly said as he ran his fingers along the marbled engraving of his father’s name, quietly sobbing while wiping away dirt from his tear-streaked face. “I tried as hard as I could. Honestly, Dad, I did. Can you ever forgive me?” Sources reported that a disconsolate Romney finally left the plot after a deep, guttural voice emanated from the ground and said, “You’ve disappointed me, Mitt. Go away. Forever.”
'04-'05 NHL Lockout Enters Ninth Year #~# NEW YORK—A little less than a decade ago, hockey fans were blessed with a slate of games every night, but on Thursday sources confirmed that for the ninth consecutive year NHL players have been locked out, with very slim hopes of an agreement in sight. “It seems like just yesterday Martin St. Louis and his Lightning teammates were raising the Stanley Cup,” high school hockey coach and onetime ESPN analyst Barry Melrose said. “Obviously, I’m still hoping the two sides can come together and reach an agreement, but I’m starting to think nobody really misses hockey anymore. Nope. Nobody but old Barry. I’d still love to catch an Atlanta Thrashers game.” Observers have noted that when arena doors do reopen, the NHL will face the perhaps greater challenge of convincing fans to return to hockey instead of watching more popular sports like football, basketball, baseball, and SlamBall.
Heavily Armed Karl Rove Spotted At Top Of Electoral College Clock Tower #~# WASHINGTON—Sources confirmed this afternoon that a heavily armed Karl Rove has positioned himself atop the Electoral College clock tower and is planning to pick off at least 50 electors with a high-precision sniper rifle.
Nor'easter Slams Hurricane Sandy Victims #~# The season's first winter storm pummeled the mid-Atlantic coast, bringing rain, up to 8 inches of snow, 60-mph wind gusts, a 2- to 4-foot storm surge, and below-freezing temperatures to areas still reeling from Hurricane Sandy. What do you think?
Man Googles Matt Damon's Address Because, Well, He's Crazy And Wants To Murder Him #~# SALISBURY, MD—After rereading actor Matt Damon’s Wikipedia page for the 13th time since 9 a.m. today, local man Dan Easter decided to look up the celebrity’s home address on Google because, well, he’s admittedly crazy and wants to murder him.
Disney Announces 'Star Wars 7' #~# Upon acquiring Lucasfilm Ltd. last week, the Walt Disney Co. announced it was making a seventh episode of the Star Wars franchise for release in 2015. Here is what viewers can expect in the Disney-produced sequel:
U.S. Suicide Rate Up Amid Economic Crisis #~# According to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention data, the national suicide rate climbed slowly from 1999 to 2007, but then surged more than fourfold between 2008 and 2010, during the depths of the nation’s economic crisis. What do you think?
Judge Swap #~# NBC
12 Miles Of Oranges! #~# Stroll through more than 200 picturesque rows of my  beautiful orange trees. Pick as many of my oranges as you’d like—in  fact, pick them all! But don’t eat them. Bring them back to me! No pay.
CNN's John King Now Just Swiping Hands Across Everything #~# WASHINGTON—A day after his “Magic Wall” coverage of the U.S. presidential election, sources confirmed that CNN chief national correspondent John King is now swiping his hands across everything from lampshades to parked cars. “Let’s see what’s going on over here,” King reportedly said while swiping tables, chairs, and broadcast equipment in the CNN newsroom, running his hand across the office water cooler in a vertical scrolling motion, and then lightly tapping Wolf Blitzer on the chest to zoom in on the anchor’s tie. “Let’s try to expand that out, explore this area a little more. Things are looking good for the president here.” At press time, King apologized to viewers for “incomplete information” on a nearby coffee cup, saying that he was experiencing a “small glitch.”
Todd Akin Spends Whole Night Wondering What Went Wrong #~# ST. LOUIS—Following a disappointing loss in his state’s U.S. Senate race to incumbent Claire McCaskill, Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) told reporters Wednesday that he spent all of last night racking his brain and trying to figure out what had gone wrong with his campaign. “I don’t know what happened. I was polling really well until late August, but then it all just kind of unraveled,” said Akin, adding that he was “still piecing together” the causes of his collapse. “I just keep replaying those weeks and months over and over in my head, searching for something, anything, that I could have said or done differently, and absolutely nothing comes to mind. Maybe it was my views on tax reform that did me in. I don’t know.” Akin then reportedly called his friend, fellow defeated Senate candidate Richard Mourdock, to offer his condolences and remark on “what a crazy, random world we live in.”
Nation's Women Wake Up Relieved To Find Selves Still In 2012 #~# CHICAGO—According to reports from across the nation, the country’s entire female population was greatly relieved upon waking this morning to learn that the year was still 2012. “I was worried I would open my eyes and it would be 1954,” said 31-year-old Lauren Mercer, stating that is was a “huge weight off [her] shoulders” to get out of bed and find herself in the present day, instead of transported back to a time when equal pay in the workplace was deemed taboo and abortion was illegal. “The first thing I did was look at the newspaper and turn on the news, and thankfully I could tell by what I read and heard that it was still the 21st century.” Echoing the sentiments of all 157 million American females, Mercer said that while she was grateful upon learning what year it was, she had to admit that living in the year 2012 was still quite frightening.
Moments Leading Up To Romney's Concession Most Likely Hilarious #~# BOSTON—Sources are confirming that the moments leading up to Mitt Romney’s concession speech last night—from the expression on his face the second he realized he was going to lose, to the brief sigh he probably let out before walking onstage—were all more than likely pretty hilarious. “I’m not trying to be mean or anything, but it’s kind of funny to imagine a 65-year-old man watching television, desperately hoping for something to go his way, learning it’s not going to happen, and then just sitting there face forward while the rest of the room goes silent around him,” Ohio resident Bret Foss told reporters, adding that the thought of a campaign aide putting his hand on Romney’s shoulder and solemnly telling the former governor that it was all over just makes him laugh for some reason. “Maybe it’s because the stakes were so high, but something about Mitt Romney hurriedly cobbling together a concession speech with one of his writers and then standing backstage all by himself as he waits for his cue to go on really cracks me up.” Foss added that while it may make him sick in the head, he chuckles every time he thinks about the intense private moment Romney and his wife probably shared before he officially called the president to concede.
Colorado, Washington Legalize Marijuana #~# Voters in Colorado and Washington state adopted ballot measures yesterday that will legalize possession of marijuana for recreational use by anyone 21 years of age or older, although the drug remains prohibited under federal law. What do you think?
Lives Of Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Eric Cantor Retain Meaning #~# WASHINGTON—Following the president’s reelection Tuesday, top Republicans Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, and Eric Cantor expressed relief, saying the primary purpose of their lives—to stymie, irritate, and confound President Obama at every turn—had not been taken away from them. “Had Barack Obama lost his occupation, then we too would have lost ours,” said Sen. McConnell (R-KY), calling an existence in which he doesn’t wake up every morning and figure out ways to systematically block the president’s agenda an empty one. “Tomorrow, I will go to the Capitol building and immediately say that Republicans are unable to work with the president if he wants to raise taxes on the wealthy. That’s a life worth living. That’s a life where I feel like I’m actually contributing something to society.” Cantor and Boehner said they were thankful not to have ended up like Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who committed suicide after the first presidential debate, when it appeared as if Mitt Romney might win the election.
Obama, Romney Remain About Equally Powerful #~# WASHINGTON—Having won another four years in the White House, President Barack Obama will retain about the same amount of power as American multimillionaire Mitt Romney, leading political scientists confirmed today. “Thanks to his reelection, Obama has managed to stay on equal footing with Romney in terms of overall clout,” Northwestern University professor Julia C. Perlman said. “Obama remains commander in chief of the most powerful military in history, while Romney, whose income places him among the richest 0.01 percent of Americans, will have far more control over the world’s largest economy. And though Obama still holds veto power, Romney’s massive wealth ultimately makes it much easier for him to push legislation through Congress in the first place. So they have roughly the same amount of influence.” Perlman added that while presidents must work tirelessly to forge coalitions and advance their agendas, Romney can simply become CEO of a Fortune 500 company and make thousands of people do everything he says.
Sex Scandal Sinks Klemke Reelection Bid #~# WICHITA, KS—Wichita 4th District alderperson Alan Klemke, who rode into office four years ago in one of the most stunning political upsets in U.S. history, saw his hopes for a second term dashed Tuesday in the wake of reports he engaged in an extramarital affair with his secretary, Eileen Lundstrom, 48.
Ron Paul Elected Ruler Of Planet Inhabited By 1 Billion Tiny Ron Pauls #~# 'You Are Our Supreme Leader,' Legions Of Miniature Pauls Say In Unison
Romney Camp Retooling Campaign After Latest Setback #~# BOSTON—Calling it “a small bump in the road,” sources within Romney headquarters announced plans Wednesday to readjust their campaign strategy following their candidate’s loss of the 2012 presidential election to Barack Obama.
Obama Reelected President #~# President Barack Obama was reelected Tuesday, defeating Republican challenger Mitt Romney in a closely contested race. What do you think?
Millions Without Power Following Election #~# WASHINGTON—According to widespread reports, roughly 314 million Americans across the country have been left without any power following Tuesday’s devastating presidential election.
Turkey For Assholes #~# If you enjoy ancient civilizations and are a huge dick, then you’ll love  this 12-day guided tour of Anatolian wine cellars, spice farms, and  prehistoric caves, which is specially designed for the smuggest  limp-dick pricks. Dying to see Cappadocia? Even know what Cappadocia is?  Then book today, asshole, and join us in fucking Turkey!
'I Want To Congratulate The President,' Romney Says In 240,000th And Final Lie Of Campaign #~# BOSTON—While delivering his concession speech at the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center Tuesday night, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney uttered the 240,000th and final lie of his 2012 campaign when he offered his “sincere congratulations” to President Barack Obama. “This has been a hard-fought and closely contested campaign, and while we’ve had our share of disagreements, there has always been a great deal of respect and admiration between myself and the president,” said Romney, concluding 17 months’ worth of manipulative falsehoods, half-truths, and outright fabrications with one last bald-faced lie. “Tonight, the American people made their voices heard. And now I urge every one of my supporters to set aside their differences with my opponent and join me in standing behind our president, so that we all may come together in a spirit of understanding and cooperation to build a better America.” Romney then concluded his speech by expressing his thanks for the tireless efforts of his campaign team, marking the 12th and final true statement of his nearly six-year-long White House run.
Defeated Man Victorious #~# CHICAGO—Following a turbulent first term in office and one of the tightest and most-hard-fought presidential campaigns in recent history, a wholly and utterly defeated man emerged victorious Tuesday, winning reelection with 332 electoral votes.
Obama Announces We Are Invading Iran Right Now #~# WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation from the Oval Office this evening, President Barack Obama announced that a full-scale U.S. military invasion of the Islamic Republic of Iran is currently underway. “At this hour, we have deployed approximately 200,000 troops across the Iran-Iraq border as part of a multipronged military offensive against Iran,” said Obama, who confirmed the decision to invade was made unilaterally, without the explicit consent of any other world leaders. “To be clear: We are at war with the nation of Iran. On my orders, American forces have fully mobilized and begun striking selected targets with the aim of crippling Iranian nuclear infrastructure. These are the opening stages of what will be a long-term, protracted campaign.” Obama went on to dismiss the invasion’s impact on the presidential election, sternly reminding citizens that “we are in a time of war right now.”
Polling Booth Completely Disgusting By Time Last Voters Get There #~# WILMINGTON, DE—Noting the sticky floors, pervasive smell of fecal matter, and greasy residue on the electronic equipment, voters arriving late in the day to cast their ballots at the Woodlawn Library polling station reported that the voting booth was completely disgusting by the time they got there. “As soon as I walked in there I started to gag,” said voter Danielle Barnes, who had to sidestep a pile of soggy toilet paper, soiled diapers, used tampons, and pornographic magazines before she could even approach the Diebold AccuVote-TS machine, which was caked over with mud, crusted semen, and dried blood. “There was mayonnaise everywhere—someone definitely ate a meal in there and then smeared mayonnaise on the wall. I also saw a couple hypodermic needles, and there was some sort of brownish, yellowish grease covering the floor. These people are animals.” Barnes later admitted that she did end up urinating in the corner of the booth before casting her vote.
Ohio May Need Recount #~# Polls in Ohio have shown a tight race for its crucial 18 electoral votes, leading many pundits to predict a statewide recount that could delay official tallies—and a clear victory in the presidential contest—until December. What do you think?
Majestic Sounds Of 'Goddamn Long Line' Ring Across America #~# WASHINGTON—In a breathtaking chorus heard only once every four years, sources confirmed that the glorious sounds of “goddamn long line” rang out across the country Tuesday, resonating with magnificent consonance from the highest mountain tops to the lowest valleys. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, you gotta be kidding me,” said Boston resident Matt Wilkinson, his voice filling the skies outside his local polling center and echoing millions of other voices that together shimmered in perfect harmony across the mighty Great Plains and through the thronged streets of every gleaming, alabaster city. “This is bullshit.” At press time, the wondrous refrain of “Fuck this, I’m going home” reverberated from the vast Atlantic to the jeweled Pacific in one final carol of sublime and majestic eloquence.
Only Name Area Man Recognizes On Ballot 'Jill Stein' #~# ALTOONA, PA—After casting his vote in the presidential election this morning, Altoona voter Doug Lawson, 36, admitted to reporters outside his local polling station that the only name he recognized on the whole ballot was that of Green Party candidate Jill Stein. “I have to admit, I voted for Stein because she was literally the only one on there I’d even heard of,” said Lawson, who mentioned that the other names he saw “looked almost like fake names” to him. “I feel kind of bad, since I’m sure they all fought hard campaigns to get on the ballot. But looking at those names—Mitt Romney? Joe Biden?—I’m sorry, but I just have no idea who any of them are or what they stand for. In the end, I had to go with Jill. I know her.” Lawson then went on to tell reporters it was a shame how, every election, the list of non–Green Party candidates on the ballot was always “just a bunch of weird, no-name losers.”
Poll Workers Overhear Biden Repeating Phrase 'Banged Her' While Reading Names On Ballot #~# GREENVILLE, DE—Local election workers confirmed Tuesday that they overheard Vice President Joe Biden repeating the phrase “banged her” and describing salacious details of sexual encounters with various female candidates as he read through the names listed on his ballot. “Banged her, fucked her, boned the shit out of her, got a tug job from that one, went down on her,” said Biden, scanning through a list that included Jill Stein, Cheri Honkala, Karen Weldin Stewart, Cheryl Anne Valenzuela, and nine-time Delaware state Rep. Deborah D. Hudson. “She sucked me off in ’86 after a fundraiser in Wilmington. Oh, brother, Debbie Hudson had the thickest bush I’d ever seen. That thing would get so soaked when we went at it.” Poll workers also reportedly overheard the vice president loudly recalling that he had recently been in a “foursome” that included Delaware gubernatorial candidates Jack A. Markell and Jeffrey E. Cragg.
'The Onion' Calls Florida, Ohio, Colorado, Pennsylvania For John Edwards #~# WASHINGTON—With six or more hours remaining before most polling locations close, The Onion is officially calling Florida, Ohio, Colorado, and Pennsylvania for John Edwards, giving the former North Carolina senator 76 electoral votes and virtually assuring his election to the presidency.
Area Man To Run Naked Through Streets Tonight No Matter Who Wins Election #~# OMAHA, NE—Local man Luke Dotson, 34, told reporters this morning that, regardless of who wins today’s presidential election, he plans to take off all his clothes and run screaming through town as soon as a winner is announced. “Obama, Romney, whoever—honestly, it really doesn’t matter,” Dotson said of the ritual he engages in once every four years, rain or shine, no matter what the electoral outcome. “Don’t you see? This is about more than any one candidate. It’s about celebrating the democratic process.” At press time, local authorities were reportedly already dreading having to wrestle Dotson to the ground in a public park, as they did in 2004 and 2008.
Enthusiasm Of 18-Year-Old First-Time Voter Completely Unbearable #~# SAN BERNARDINO, CA—According to sources close to high school senior Jeffrey Safran, the 18-year-old’s limitless enthusiasm for casting his first-ever vote has become completely insufferable to everyone around him. “I’m really looking forward to getting to the polls and finally letting my voice be heard,” said the immensely irritating Safran, who made friends and family want to puke every time he went on to describe his excitement for voting, not only for president, but also for numerous state officials and various local ballot initiatives. “Let’s face it, the stakes are higher than ever this time around, and it’s going to be great to have a say in the future of this country. If you think about it, these issues really impact us all.” The excruciatingly smug teenager then added he would be fully content even if his candidate of choice didn’t win because “at least [he] was able to participate in the democratic process.”
Man Who Eats Breakfast At Dunkin' Donuts Every Morning And Enjoys The 'Saw' Films Allowed To Vote #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—According to records obtained from the Mahoning County registrar’s office, local man David Kearney, who eats breakfast at Dunkin’ Donuts every day and is a passionate fan of the Saw film franchise, is actually allowed to vote in today’s general election.
Americans Vote For President #~# After a long, hard-fought campaign between Democrat Barack Obama and Republican Mitt Romney, voters are finally headed to the polls today to cast their ballots for president of the United States. What do you think?
Romney Volunteers Going Door-To-Door To Let Obama Supporters Know President's Dead #~# COLUMBUS, OH—In a last-ditch effort to win a few more votes in the key swing state of Ohio, Mitt Romney campaign volunteers made door-to-door visits to homes of registered Democrats on Monday to personally let them know that the president had died. “This is very difficult to say, but yeah, Barack Obama actually died early this morning, so he’s not running for president anymore,” Romney supporter Marcia Higgins reportedly told a family of four, calling the president’s sudden death “extremely tragic,” but adding that it’s important for voters to keep the fact that he died in mind when they go to the polls tomorrow. “You didn’t hear? Oh, yeah, it was totally sudden. Heart attack or something. Crazy. But anyway, I just wanted to let you know that Barack Obama, the man you were planning on voting for, has passed away, and Mitt Romney is still alive, so…” When asked how Obama could be dead when he was currently on television giving a stump speech in Wisconsin, Higgins said the footage “must be from yesterday or something, because the president is definitely dead now.”
Romney Throws Quinceañera For Ann In Last-Minute Attempt To Get Hispanic Vote #~# SANFORD, FL—With election day looming, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney tried one last time Monday to cut into Barack Obama’s large lead among Latino voters by putting on an elaborate quinceañera celebration for his wife, Ann. “Today, Ann became a woman,” said Romney, who mentioned that he helped Ann choose the gorgeous, jeweled white-and-yellow dress she wore as she danced a traditional waltz for an audience assembled in the basement of the Spanish Church of God. “From the cutting of the cake, to the 15-candle ceremony, to the changing of the shoes that symbolized her changing from girlhood to womanhood, this was Ann’s very own special day. We are all so proud of her.” Sources also confirmed the customary gift-giving reception following the quinceañera garnered several hundred thousand dollars in donations for the Romney campaign.
Obama, Romney Urge Americans To Purchase 'The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge' #~# AKRON, OH—In a rare display of bipartisanship just one day before the presidential election, President Barack Obama and Republican challenger Mitt Romney came together Monday to urge Americans to purchase The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge. “This nation is divided, it's been through hell, and The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is quite frankly the only thing that can heal its wounds and make it great again,” Romney and Obama said in a joint statement before appearing at a rally in which the two candidates joined hands and raised their own copies of the book high into the air. “Tomorrow, we are urging all of you to skip voting, go to any place books are sold, and buy this compendium of vital information. It’s not only the right thing for you, it’s the right thing for America.” Obama and Romney then spent hours reading the book—which can be purchased online right this very second—out loud to each other as the crowd roared in approval.
Nation Unsure Which Candidate's Plan To Destroy The Environment Will Create More Jobs #~# WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Monday, the U.S. populace remained unsure which of the presidential candidates’ plans to destroy natural resources and render the environment unfit for human habitation would put more Americans back to work. “On one hand, President Obama has proved his commitment to creating jobs that will poison the entire American Northeast with toxic fracking chemicals, but on the other hand, Mitt Romney, with his pledge to intensify oil exploration offshore and in our nation’s protected wilderness, seems genuinely determined to put millions to work contaminating the oceans, exterminating scores of species, and inevitably accelerating a planetary cataclysm,” said Denver voter Lynn Russell, stressing the economic importance of good-paying jobs that systematically eliminate all remaining natural resources left on earth. “The candidates have so many comprehensive ideas for ensuring that our overheating planet—as well as human society in general—is pushed well beyond the point of no return, but it’s impossible to tell which one will go slightly farther in reducing unemployment.” Voters nationwide reportedly found themselves even more on the fence after learning that both candidates had pledged to build dozens of job-creating nuclear plants that, in the event of a minor mishap, could render vast regions of the nation immediately unlivable.
Serious Mitt Romney Demanding To Be Addressed As 'Mitthew' Now #~# SANFORD, FL—During Mitt Romney’s final campaign swing through Florida today, the Republican presidential nominee issued a stern rebuke to members of the press, insisting they use his full given name and refer to him exclusively as Mitthew Romney. “Before we go on, I need to stop and correct you on one thing—it’s Mitthew, okay?” said Romney, interrupting a reporter who had asked a question in which she referred to the candidate as Mitt. “My name is Mitthew. It always has been. Apparently people think it’s okay to be informal and call me Mitt for short, but I’ve never liked that particular nickname and would appreciate it if everyone would just use the name my parents gave me: Mitthew.” At press time, Romney had boarded his campaign jet along with his five sons, Taggothy, Joshathan, Benben, Craigory, and Matt.
Gilligan’s Highland #~# BBC America
Florida Faces Early Voting Fiasco #~# Florida residents hoping to cast early ballots faced long lines yesterday, including a six-hour wait at one polling place in Miami-Dade County, while a bomb scare closed a voting location near Orlando. What do you think?
After Success Of London NFL Games, Goodell Thinking About Trying One Game A Year In Jacksonville #~# NEW YORK—Commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Monday that given the popularity of NFL games played in London, the league is considering amending its 2014 schedule to include one game each year in Jacksonville, FL. “We believe there is an untapped market in Jacksonville for real American football played between two high-caliber teams,” said Goodell, who noted that there is actually another sport in Jacksonville that they call football, but it mostly involves the ball rolling around on the ground. “This could be a great way of introducing the league to a city that has never experienced the excitement of an authentic NFL game. And if it goes well, who knows? We might even be able to start a franchise there someday.” A recent poll of NFL players revealed that 90 percent would never consider traveling to Jacksonville.
9 Brightly Colored New Tarantula Species Found #~# Scientist Rogério Bertani recently discovered nine previously unknown and endangered species of small tree-dwelling tarantulas in Brazil, many of which feature bright pink, purple, and orange colorations. What do you think?
Undecided Voter Pretty Sure He’s Some Kind Of Idiot #~# SEATTLE—With just one day to go before the presidential election between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, undecided voter Andrew Mueller is pretty sure he’s some kind of idiot, the 37-year-old Seattle resident told reporters today.
Natalie Blasi #~# After realizing no one else was going to step up, Natalie Blasi assumed  the role of the person who lets everyone in the post office line know  how long they’ve all been waiting.
Well-Meaning Friends Once Again Try To Set Up Cheryl Miller With Reggie Miller #~# RIVERSIDE, CA—According to sources close to the former college basketball star, friends of Cheryl Miller once again attempted to set her up on a date with retired Indiana Pacer Reggie Miller on Saturday, apparently still unaware that the two are siblings. “Seriously, you guys have so much in common,” said Miller’s close friend Danielle Kaelin, stressing that the couple would “really hit it off if [Miller] would just give him a chance.” “Reggie loves basketball as much as you do. He played in college and even a few years in the NBA. I won’t lie to you Cheryl—he’s not the best looking guy out there. But he’s still in really great shape for his age, and he’s really rich, too.” At press time, a resigned Miller begrudgingly agreed to go out on a dinner date next week with her younger brother.
Local Sports Reporter Recycles Same High School Volleyball Season Preview For 18th Year In A Row #~# RUMFORD, ME—Tasked with writing the Rumford Falls Times’s annual preview of the Mountain Valley High girls’ volleyball season, local sports reporter Patrick Carver again reused, verbatim, the article that has run at the start of every season since 1995, sources at the paper confirmed Friday. “Mountain Valley has a talented team this year,” read the feature that, as always, praised the team’s “strong group of returning seniors” but also predicted the squad “will be looking for some younger players to step up.” “[Cross-state rivals] Wells is going to be tough to beat—they always are—but if the Falcons can fill their roles and play solid defense, they have a great chance at the championship.” For the 18th consecutive year, the preview listed a Megan Johnson as a “key player to watch.”
Romney Promises Any Pennsylvanian Who Votes For Him Can Have Ann Romney For One Hour #~# LANGHORNE, PA—In an attempt to sway any voters who remain undecided in the Democratic-leaning state, Republican candidate Mitt Romney announced Friday that any resident of Pennsylvania who votes for him in the upcoming election can have his wife, Ann, for one hour. “One vote for me gets you 60 minutes alone with Ann to do whatever you want, no questions asked,” said Romney, adding that he has broached the proposal with his 63-year-old wife and that she is amenable to it. “She is a very beautiful woman, and very discreet, so trust me, you won’t be disappointed. This is a solid offer I’m making you.” At press time, Romney was assuring female voters that their support will guarantee them one private night with his five sons at the family’s lake house in New Hampshire.
'New York Times' Bully Knocks Stack Of Polls From Nate Silver's Hands #~# NEW YORK—As part of his continued effort to torment the 34-year-old statistician and blogger, feared New York Times bully Derek Kriesel reportedly slapped a stack of opinion polls from Nate Silver’s hands Friday, scattering the surveys across the floor of the organization’s newsroom. “Pick them up, you little fuckin’ dweeb,” said Kriesel, who eyewitnesses confirmed kicked the papers down the hallway before Silver could gather them up. “Hey, Silverdork, I got a poll for you. It says there’s a 90 percent chance that I’m going to beat the shit out of you, what do you think of that?” At press time, sources said Silver was hiding in a supply closet and analyzing the latest electoral data as a menacing voice from across the hall called out, “Oh, Silver! Where are you, Silver?”
New Jersey To Use Military Vehicles As Polling Places #~# With the election four days away and much of New Jersey still reeling from Hurricane Sandy, state officials announced that military trucks would serve as polling locations in hard-hit areas. What do you think?
Editors Of 'Good Car' Magazine: 'The 2013 Hyundai Sonata Is A Good Car' #~# NEW YORK—In its November 2012 issue, out on newsstands this week, Good Car magazine bestowed its trademark “This Is A Good Car” ranking upon the 2013 Hyundai Sonata, which the publication features on its cover. “From its good handling, good fuel-efficiency, and good reliability, to a range of good safety features and equally good factory options, the 2013 Sonata proves itself to be a good car,” write the editors of GC. “Consumers in search of a good automobile will likely find it to be one among many possible good choices.” The article went on to speculate that the Sonata no doubt outperforms bad cars, and falls somewhat short of great ones, but acknowledged those two categories of vehicles are outside Good Car magazine’s editorial purview.
Pakistani Boy, U.S. Drone Form Unlikely Friendship #~# MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN—According to CIA officials and sources on the ground in the region, an unlikely friendship has developed between a 9-year-old Pakistani boy and a U.S. MQ-1 Predator drone in North Waziristan. “You’d think they would have nothing in common, and yet you see them together all the time, wandering around the countryside hand in wing,” area merchant Siraj Rahmad told reporters Friday, adding that local tribesmen generally took amusement in the duo’s improbable companionship, apart from the time the boy tried to hide the drone under his shirt and sneak it into his fourth-grade classroom. “Each day, when the boy goes to school, the drone slowly hovers over his house, waiting for him to come home. It’s adorable, really.” At press time, the inseparable drone and boy had run out to a nearby field to shoot at old cans, resulting in four civilian casualties.
Romney Slowly Turning Into $100 Bill #~# TAMPA, FL—Campaign sources expressed concern today over Mitt Romney’s green complexion, papery skin, and slowly flattening body frame, prompting increased speculation that the Republican presidential candidate has been gradually transforming into a $100 bill.
ESPN Sports Segment Reveals Science Behind Tony Romo's Shittiness #~# BRISTOL, CT—In an installment of the popular segment broadcast Thursday night, ESPN’s “Sport Science” attempted to investigate the natural phenomena surrounding Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo’s shittiness and provide conclusive explanations for why the Dallas veteran sucks so bad.
Record High Unemployment Hits Eurozone #~# Ravaged by a continuing debt crisis and a sluggish economy, the 17-nation Eurozone has seen unemployment reach 11.6 percent, its highest level in 17 years of data. What do you think?
Atlantic City Faces Long Recovery Before It Can Start Destroying Lives Again #~# ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, Atlantic City officials warned Friday that it could take weeks or even months for the storm-ravaged gambling hub to fully repair its infrastructure and get back to utterly and completely ruining people’s lives.
Yummers #~# From The Onion Book of Known Knowledge. Order Now: IndieBound | Amazon | Barnes & Noble
Romney Pitches In To Repair Thousands Of Downed Romney-Ryan Lawn Signs #~# MANTOLOKING, NJ—Saying he had been deeply shaken by the extent of Hurricane Sandy’s destruction, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney visited the storm-battered mid-Atlantic coast Thursday to help victims repair and re-erect thousands of downed Romney-Ryan campaign signs. “I’ve toured up and down the coastline, and I can tell you that the level of damage to campaign signage is unimaginable,” said the visibly concerned candidate, wading through calf-high water and debris to place a tattered “Romney: Believe In America” sign back in the window of a flooded house. “The high winds and storm surge absolutely devastated the signs in their path, and sadly, a number were even washed out to sea. But my team and I will do everything we can to make sure these lawn signs receive the care they need and get back on their legs as soon as possible.” Staffers confirmed the GOP candidate had also donated 10,000 Romney-Ryan baseball caps to families left homeless by the storm.
Shaq Spends Entire 'Inside The NBA' Segment Analyzing Size Of Own Hands #~# ATLANTA—Shaquille O’Neal dedicated an entire five-minute segment of Inside The NBA Wednesday to an in-depth analysis of the size of his own hands, observing on several occasions that the fingers seemed to be growing right before his eyes. “Just look at these huge things—I’m pretty sure they’re bigger than they were a couple seconds ago,” said O’Neal, who carefully surveyed the hands by holding them several inches from his face. “I could pick up a basketball with a thumb and index finger. Wait a second. These aren’t my hands. Somebody switched my normal hands with these gigantic ones when I was getting ready for the show.” After the segment, O’Neal reportedly asked TNT producers for an ax, several rolls of masking tape, and his regular hands.
This May Not Be The Ideal Moment Politically, But It’s Time To Talk Reparations #~# This year, the American people face one of the most stark and important elections of our time, with much at stake for average citizens and their families. Election Day is less than a week away, and with my campaign running neck-in-neck with Mitt Romney’s, I fully recognize this is probably not the ideal moment to introduce a controversial new proposal widely ignored in mainstream politics. But I can no longer stay quiet about an issue I believe in so firmly.
2012 Campaign Most Expensive In History #~# Driven by a massive spending push from super PACs and other advocacy groups in the final days of the election season, the total cost of all federal campaigns this year is estimated to reach $6 billion, surpassing the previous record of $5.3 billion set in 2008. What do you think?
Disney Buys Lucasfilm For $4 Billion #~# The Walt Disney Co. purchased Lucasfilm Ltd., the production company of George Lucas, for $4.05 billion in cash and stock Tuesday, announcing it would release a seventh installment in the Star Wars franchise in 2015. What do you think?
Chloe Thorn #~# Chloe Thorn, 25, had a groundbreaking idea for a Tumblr site—one that would surely garner a book deal, a sitcom pilot, and hundreds of imitators—but chose to keep it to herself.
'Zero Dark Thirty' Reveals Navy SEALs Killed Bin Laden By Frantically Throwing Whatever They Could Find At Him #~# LOS ANGELES—According to reviews this week of Kathryn Bigelow’s thriller Zero Dark Thirty, which chronicles the 10-year hunt for Osama bin Laden, the film’s climactic scene features a team of U.S. Navy SEALs shrieking in terror as they gradually kill the al-Qaeda leader by throwing a variety of nearby objects at him. “The mood is tense and silent as SEAL Team Six infiltrates the infamous Abbottabad compound, but then all hell breaks loose when bin Laden emerges from behind a door, causing the whole squadron to start yelling wildly as they pelt him with shoes, cups, and flimsy pieces of drywall,” wrote New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis, who mentioned that the hectic five-minute sequence shows bin Laden stumbling around with his head stuck in a sweatshirt thrown by one of the SEALs, bashing into various fixtures and shouting, “Ow, ow!” “Meanwhile, in the helicopter floating above the hideout, two SEALs scream directly into each other’s faces while they desperately try to fly the aircraft away from bin Laden, who is also screaming throughout the entire scene.” The remainder of the film then reportedly focuses on the SEALs tentatively kicking bin Laden’s corpse before retreating several feet and anxiously watching to see if he is still moving.
Man Who Just Bought Mayan Headdress, 4 Crates Of Corn Pretty Sure You'll Be Looking Like The Fool When Apocalypse Happens #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Local man Dustin Barnes, 33, who reportedly just purchased a colorful feathered Mayan headdress and four crates packed with corn announced Friday that he was fairly certain you’ll end up looking like an idiot when the apocalypse finally happens. “We’ll see who looks like an unprepared chump on doomsday,” said Barnes, scoffing at the “real saps” while painting the traditional designs of a Mayan warrior on his face and chest. “I’m going to be the one laughing when the Tonsured Maize God spares me because I actually thought ahead and prepared a sacrificial offering of corn. Enjoy dying suckers.” At press time, Barnes was reportedly wearing the elaborate Mayan headdress around his house and feeling sorry for his loved ones.
2012 In Technology #~# The debut of the iPhone 5, the landing of NASA’s Curiosity rover on the surface of Mars, and the discovery of what is likely the Higgs boson were all major events this year. What do you think was the greatest advancement in technology in 2012?
2012 In Entertainment #~# This year the TV show Homeland earned critical praise, Canadian pop singer Carly Rae Jepsen dominated the airwaves, and The Avengers became the third-highest-grossing movie of all time. What do you think was the top entertainment industry story of 2012?
2012 In International News #~# This year witnessed ongoing bloodshed in Syria, massive blackouts that cut power to more than half a billion in India, and the 60th anniversary of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign. What do you think the biggest international story of the year was?
The Onion's Person Of The Year Is… #~# No one.
The Onion's Other Top Newsmakers Of 2012 #~# NASA employee Greg Ogletree, the man seated inside the Mars rover Curiosity, inspired the nation this year when he successfully touched down on the Red Planet and began driving the vehicle across its surface. In addition to Ogletree’s primary task of guiding the rover around Mars using its steering wheel, pedals, and gear stick, the 44-year-old is also charged with verbally describing the Martian landscape to mission control, keeping an eye out for water, and tasting soil samples.
2012 In The Economy #~# Economic indicators improved marginally during the year, with the unemployment rate falling slightly and housing prices finally starting to rebound, but the recovery from the Great Recession remained far from robust. How did 2012’s lackluster economy affect you?
2012 In Politics #~# This year saw the Supreme Court upholding the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, Barack Obama winning reelection, and the nation threatening to go over the “fiscal cliff.” What do you think was the biggest political story of 2012?
We've Had Our Differences, But I'd Be Willing To Serve As Obama's Secretary Of State #~# It’s well known that Barack Obama and I don’t see eye to eye. I believe in freedom, limited government, and rewarding those who work hard. I was a vocal advocate of his opponent, Gov. Mitt Romney, during this year’s presidential campaign. I wasn’t a huge fan of Mr. Obama’s first term, and I don’t think he’s such a big fan of my politics, either. But I also understand that great thinkers don’t always agree, which is why I have decided that, should the president call on me to serve as secretary of state, I would honor my duty as an American and accept.
People With Children Live Longer #~# According to a study by Danish researchers, men and women who do not have children are at increased risk of dying early when compared to those who have kids. What do you think?
Casual Fan Ready To Introduce NFL To His Parents #~# HAZEL PARK, MI—Claiming that this season has been pretty entertaining, casual football fan Reggie Butler, 29, told reporters Sunday that he was ready to introduce his parents to the NFL, predicting that his mother and father would probably enjoy all its unexpected twists and turns. “I got really into it last year, and that season ended with like this big thing that I think Mom and Dad would really like,” said Butler, adding that the NFL “gets better and better as you watch it.” “I was blown away by the finale. The way they resolved it. I never saw it coming. Early in the year it wasn’t as good, but now there are all these new storylines developing and a lot of great recurring characters.” At press time, Butler had reportedly decided to take his parents to a live NFL performance.
'Right To Live Life In Complete, Stunned Horror,' Added To Constitution #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of yesterday’s gruesome mass shooting that claimed the lives of 27 people, including 20 schoolchildren, the United States ratified a new constitutional amendment this afternoon guaranteeing American citizens the right to live life in a perpetual state of abject horror. “The provisions of the 28th Amendment will fully protect the right of all individuals to spend every waking moment utterly terrified at the thought of a deranged stranger with a semiautomatic combat rifle gunning them down,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), explaining that the measure also permits Americans to suffer panic attacks anytime their loved ones go to work, school, malls, or virtually any other public location. “In addition, the new amendment prevents the government from ever infringing on a citizen’s inalienable right to lie awake at night visualizing the images of crying children being ushered out of a school and wondering where it could happen next.” The new amendment comes on the heels of numerous other proposed changes to U.S. law, including a highly contested bill that would protect the right of Americans to ignore a widespread, deadly problem until it is far too late.
Mike D'Antoni Drawing Up Plays To Get Lakers To Like Him #~# LOS ANGELES—Sources within the Lakers organization confirmed Friday that recently hired head coach Mike D’Antoni has been drawing up plays in a clear attempt to make his new players like him. “World Peace, you’ll run a weave screen for Pau to the inside, and then Pau, you’ll shoot the jumper on the weak-side arc—I mean, unless you don’t want to, because you can take a shot from anywhere and you’ll still make it, because you’re awesome,” D’Antoni said during a team practice, repeatedly stressing that his plays “are only guidelines” and players should “feel free to improvise out there.” “When we’re not in possession, Dwight, I want you in the paint, blocking the lane and getting rebounds, because you’re the best defender in the league, and, wow, just watching you play is an honor. And Kobe, you can hover around the perimeter on offense and, anytime you see an opening, just raise your hand and someone will get you the ball. There’s no need to draw up plays for you—if anything, you should be giving me notes, right?” Following the practice, locker room sources reported that every player on the Lakers already hates D’Antoni.
Right To Own Handheld Device That Shoots Deadly Metal Pellets At High Speed Worth All Of This #~# NEWTOWN, CT—Following today’s mass shooting that left 20 young children dead at a Connecticut elementary school, numerous sources across the country reported that their government-protected right to own a portable device that propels small masses of metal through the air at lethal rates of speed is completely worth any such consequences. “It’s my God-given right and a founding principle of this country that I be able to own a [piece of metal that launches other smaller pieces of metal great distances, one after the other], and if a few deaths here and there is the price we have to pay for that freedom, then so be it,” said Lawrence Crane of nearby Danbury, CT, who is such a staunch advocate of the portable deadly-pellet-flinging apparatuses that he keeps multiple versions of such mechanisms in his home, often carries one with him, and is a member of a club whose sole purpose is to celebrate these assembled steel things and the small bits of metal they send flying. “Sure, it’s sad that a few kids died, but it’s far better than the tyranny that would result if the government came and took away all our [mechanical contraptions that make a lot of little pointy chunks of metal go through the air fast]. Can you even imagine what kind of horrible world that would be?” The man added that if the events that unfolded today led lawmakers to question his ability to possess any such items of steel and lead, authorities would have to “pry the [wholly inanimate mechanical object, nothing more, nothing less] from [his] dead hands.”
Fuck Everything, Nation Reports #~# WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything. Just fuck it all to hell.
Report: It Okay To Spend Rest Of Day Curled In Fetal Position Under Desk #~# WASHINGTON—Following reports of a mass shooting at a Connecticut elementary school that left 20 children dead, sources just confirmed that it is totally fine to spend the entire rest of today curled up in the fetal position underneath your desk. Early reports also indicated that sitting on the floor while holding your knees to your chest and slowly rocking back and forth is not only acceptable, but, sources said, absolutely understandable. According to officials, it is furthermore fully okay should you want to simply stare at nothing in particular for several minutes in total silence, get under the covers of your bed and bury your face in a pillow, or weep uncontrollably with your head in your hands. At press time, sources reported that you should also feel free to call your loved ones at some point in the day, if you think that will help.
'Just Illegalize Us Already,' Nation's Assault Weapons Beg #~# 'We Are Tired Of Killing People,' Plead Firearms
No 'Fiscal Cliff' Deal In Sight #~# With time running out before the Jan. 1 deadline, President Barack Obama and House Majority Leader John Boehner appear no closer to reaching a deal to avert the “fiscal cliff,” which many economists fear could plunge the nation back into recession. What do you think?
Kyle Shanahan Admits Mother Helped Design Most Of Redskins Offensive Plays #~# WASHINGTON—Conceding that designing plays is a difficult task, Redskins offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan admitted Thursday that his mother, Peggy, helped him create most of the formations, schemes, and strategies in the Washington playbook. "My mom is so nice about it. I sometimes have trouble figuring out the blocking—especially what to do with the guards—and she always helps me, no problem," said Shanahan, adding that his mother is "way, way better" at getting Robert Griffin III space to run. "I'd ask my dad, but lots of times he gets upset that I can't figure things out, instead of just helping me and making me feel good." Kyle Shanahan, who confirmed that he talks to his mother on his headset during games, said that she offers encouragement as well as advice on how to get the tight ends more involved.
Roger Goodell Proposes Eliminating Ball From NFL #~# NEW YORK—Responding to concerns about high injury rates on plays involving a football, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell introduced a possible rule change Friday that would eliminate balls from the game entirely. “Footballs pose a significant safety hazard, and nothing is more important to the league than our players’ safety,” said Goodell, who noted that footballs often hurtle through the air at more than 50 miles per hour before slamming violently into receivers and defenders. “Under the new rules, the NFL would remain committed to preserving the parts of the sport that make it great—players would line up, run, block, and tackle as normal, but they would do so without the highly dangerous footballs we currently use.” Goodell mentioned that the league is also considering a rule change that would reduce unsafe collisions by imposing a strict 3-mph on-field speed limit.
Movie Studio Blows Whole Budget On Big-Name Gaffer #~# BURBANK, CA—Insisting that such a film must not go under-gaffed, producers of the Warner Bros. comedy-horror film Blood Brothers reportedly coaxed Brett Atkins, the film industry’s most legendary gaffer, out of retirement this week at a cost rumored to be in the $50 million range. “Yes, roughly 90 percent of the film’s budget will go to gaffing, but Brett brings a level of lighting expertise and cable-laying innovation that is simply indispensable,” said executive producer Todd Wainwright, extolling Atkins’ “revolutionary” electrical work on 1994’s Clear And Present Danger. “We certainly don’t want another Green Lantern fiasco—$200 million of top-notch action spectacle, but Christ in heaven, the gaffing!” Offsetting the substantial expense, noted Wainwright, is the fact that this genre of film essentially key-grips itself.
'Whitney Houston' Top Google Search Of 2012 #~# According to Google, the world’s top trending search topic of 2012 was “Whitney Houston,” the famed American vocalist who died in February. What do you think?
'The Hobbit' To Feature 53-Minute-Long Scene Of Bilbo Baggins Trying To Figure Out What To Pack #~# LOS ANGELES—According to early reviews, the highly anticipated new film The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, which opens in theaters Friday, features an extended 53-minute-long scene in which the protagonist, Bilbo Baggins, decides on what to pack for his trip to defeat the evil dragon Smaug.
Man Who Will Die In Great Eastern Seaboard Flood Of 2023 Preparing For Mayan Apocalypse #~# FAIRFIELD, CT—Heeding warnings that a world-ending cataclysmic event will occur next Friday, local man Craig Massey, 26, who will be one of several thousand fatalities in 2023’s Great Eastern Seaboard Flood, told reporters today he is fully prepared for the apocalypse he believes the ancient Mayans predicted.
Plot To Murder Justin Bieber Foiled #~# Two men have been accused of planning to capture teen pop sensation Justin Bieber at a recent concert, strangle him to death with a paisley tie, and possibly castrate him, a plot allegedly masterminded by a 45-year-old jailed New Mexico rapist and murderer with a tattoo of Bieber on his leg. What do you think?
Joe Flacco Excited To Work Under Man Who Was Coached By Peyton Manning #~# BALTIMORE—Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco told reporters Wednesday he was excited to work with new offensive coordinator Jim Caldwell, expressing enthusiasm about learning as much as possible from the man who was coached by former Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. “It’ll be great to pick Caldwell’s brain and find out what he learned in Indianapolis while working under one of the best quarterbacks of all time,” Flacco said. “I’m sure Jim has some really cool stories about being mentored by a four-time MVP, but mostly I want to find out what it was like when he was coached to a Super Bowl by Manning.” At press time, Flacco was reportedly thrilled about hosting the Denver Broncos on Sunday, explaining to teammates and coaches that he couldn’t wait to see, in person, an accomplished quarterback who is admired by millions.
Taylor Swift Now Dating Suri Cruise #~# NEW YORK—Following her recent string of high-profile relationships, including a romance earlier this week with Garfield cartoonist Jim Davis, singer-songwriter Taylor Swift is now dating Suri Cruise, sources confirmed today. “Taylor and Suri were seen grabbing lunch at a Thai restaurant in SoHo earlier this afternoon, and we can confirm that the two are now officially an item,” TMZ reporter Allison Raeber wrote of the budding romance between the 23-year-old pop star and the 6-year-old daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, nicknaming the couple “Saylor.” “Fans spotted the two holding hands on the way out of the restaurant, and Taylor was even seen giving Suri a quick peck on the lips before getting into a car.” At press time, sources reported that Swift had just entered Cruise’s apartment building in downtown Manhattan.
Businessman Goes Home For The Holidays To Network With Family #~# NEW YORK—Emphasizing the importance of “developing contacts and getting your name out there,” sales coordinator Keith Elliott told reporters on Tuesday that he was traveling home to Ohio for the holidays to put in some solid networking time with his family. “Christmas is a great opportunity for me to really work the room, and I’m hoping to make some big contacts, especially on my mom’s side of the family,” said Elliott, who mentioned that he would “definitely try to get in some good face time” with his dad, who works in retail. “You just never know which sibling or nephew might have an ‘in’ for you somewhere, so it’s really important to cultivate personal, win-win relationships with all of them.” Elliott added that he planned on enclosing his business card in his gift to his second cousin Steven Brolin, who reportedly “knows some of the higher-ups over at a Fortune 500 company.”
Ford: New F-150 Pickup Truck Capable Of Crushing A Big Turtle In One Go #~# DEARBORN, MI—In a bold new series of print and television advertisements launched this week, the Ford Motor Company reportedly aims to appeal to consumers by touting the 2013 F-150 pickup truck’s ability to crush a large, full-grown turtle in a single pass. “The F-150 has always been synonymous with strength and dependability, and our newest model raises the bar even higher with its ability to squash a giant leatherback sea turtle in just one go,” Ford spokesman Walter Jeffries said at an outdoor press event as a professional driver steered the full-size pickup over numerous large reptiles, including a 130-year-old Galapagos tortoise. “We ask Toyota and Chevy truck owners to take Ford’s ‘Big Turtle Challenge’ at home or at Ford dealers nationwide. We think they’ll be surprised at the results.” Jeffries added that the F-150 features an electronic six-speed transmission and a payload that can hold 80 to 90 squashed adult terrapins.
Supreme Court Unanimously Upholds Concealed Gavel Law #~# WASHINGTON—In a unanimous 9-0 ruling Friday, the Supreme Court upheld a controversial federal law allowing licensed judges to carry concealed gavels in public. “It is the opinion of the court that any judge, magistrate, or justice found to be of legal age and sound mind who so desires to carry in secret an adjudicating mallet on his or her person, provided such gavel is properly permitted and registered within the local jurisdiction, shall face no legal encumbrances—federal, state, or otherwise—preventing them from so doing,” Chief Justice John Roberts, an outspoken pro-gavel advocate, wrote for the majority. “Whether such an arbitrating implement be used to conclude trial proceedings, commence an adjournment, for self-defense, or purely for sport, the right of any and all judicial officials to harbor a concealed gavel, and the lawful use thereof, is wholly and fundamentally protected under the Constitution of the United States.” Under the terms of the ruling, all varieties of gavel—even automatic or sawed-off models like the ones used in several recent high-profile mass bonkings—will remain legal for judges to carry.
Clive Cussler Realizes Latest Novel Not Thrilling 3 Hours After Sending It To Printer #~# NEW YORK—Mere hours after the printing of Odin’s Cleft, the 472-page marine technothriller he spent most of the year crafting, veteran author Clive Cussler came to the sudden realization that the novel was actually in no way thrilling. “Even while I was writing it, I could barely keep myself from putting it down. My knuckles were unwhitened the whole time, and my pulse barely pounded at all,” said Cussler, who described the book as “far from taut, or even tight, in any way.” “Cracking good yarn, my ass. How could this book come from me, the author of such page-turning bestsellers as Raise The Titanic, Pacific Vortex!, and The Storm, a novel from the NUMA files due out in paperback this spring?” Although the book has already gone to press, Cussler’s publisher has agreed to let him rewrite the final chapter, in which hero Dirk Pitt Jr. engages a corrupt administrator in witty repartee following their two-hour crosstown pursuit in Toyota Priuses.
The Onion's Gift Guide For The Person Who Has Everything #~# Before you waste your money again, The Onion's holiday gift guide offers these can’t miss ideas for what to give your somewhat-loved ones who already have everything.
Rare Pornographic Movie Shot At Vatican For First Time Since 1982’s ‘Pope Fisters IV’ #~# VATICAN CITY—Sources confirmed a new hardcore pornographic movie began shooting at the Sistine Chapel on Sunday, marking the first time the seat of the Roman Catholic Church has hosted the filming of a sexually explicit adult feature since 1982’s Pope Fisters IV.
Inscription On MLK Memorial To Be Removed #~# The government will remove the paraphrased quotation “I was a drum major for justice, peace and righteousness” from Washington’s Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial after many complained the out-of-context words made the civil rights leader sound arrogant. What do you think?
Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of December 10, 2012 #~# This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Mumford And Sons Can't Believe They All Got Each Other Mandolins For Christmas #~# LONDON—According to sources close to the English folk-rock quartet Mumford and Sons, the band’s members were surprised to discover during their annual Christmas gift exchange Wednesday that they had all gotten each other new mandolins. “I love my mandolin so much that I decided this was the year to introduce Ted [Dwane], Ben [Lovett], and Winston [Marshall] to this wonderful instrument,” said lead singer and guitarist Marcus Mumford, whose bandmates confirmed they each independently decided to buy each other mandolins with the exact same thought in mind. “To be honest, I thought at least some of the 12 mandolin-shaped packages would turn out to be banjos, dobros, or buzuqs when we unwrapped them. But I can’t say I’m disappointed when I think about the amazing sound we could create with this many mandolins.” Mumford added that the coincidence was at least an improvement over last year’s exchange, when each of the four musicians went home with three copies of the band’s debut EP, Love Your Ground.
Authorities Not Even Going To Bother Looking For Motive Behind Oregon Shooting #~# 'He Was An Asshole, How's That?' Officials Say
Hundreds Of People Who Will Die Before Christmas Really Excited For Holiday Season #~# WORLDWIDE—With just days remaining until Christmas, sources reported that excitement for the holiday has reached a fever pitch for hundreds of people who will not live to observe it. "I love Christmas; I can’t wait to go home, see my family, and wrap presents," said Yonkers, NY contractor Paul Gatlick, 34, who will die in a car wreck this Friday, and who echoed the thoughts of hundreds who will die during the next two weeks from heart attacks, terminal diseases, old age, and freak accidents. "This is going to be a holiday season I’ll never forget!” Sources also reported that millions of people who dread Christmas with a passion will unfortunately have to live through every last second of it.
Ho, Ho, Ho! 9/11 Was An Inside Job! #~# Seasons greeting from your old friend Santa! My, my, Christmas is just two short weeks away, and everyone here at the North Pole can’t wait to deliver presents to all you nice boys and girls this year. Yes, Jolly ol’ St. Nicholas hopes you’re all being as good as can be!
North Korea Launches Long-Range Missile #~# Though the rocket fired by North Korea this morning appears only to have placed a satellite in orbit, many experts believe the country’s primary intent was to test its ability to launch an intercontinental ballistic missile that could one day carry a nuclear warhead. What do you think?
Redskins Playoff Hopes Listed As Questionable #~# WASHINGTON—Following further testing this week, the Washington Redskins announced Wednesday that their playoff hopes were still officially listed as questionable. “We’ll just have to continue to assess the situation and see how it looks at the end of the week,” said head coach Mike Shanahan, adding that the team’s postseason prospects would be re-evaluated before this weekend’s game against the Cleveland Browns. “We’ve seen some encouraging signs in the past day or two, but at this point, it’s still questionable.” Shanahan confirmed that the sole glimmer of hope for the entire Redskins organization would likely be a “game-time decision.”
Kim Jong-Un's Wife Escapes North Korea In Long-Range Missile #~# PYONGYANG—Following North Korea’s sudden and controversial launch of a long-range rocket Wednesday morning, reports have confirmed that Ri Sol-ju, the wife of leader Kim Jong-un, successfully jumped inside the missile just in time to escape the communist country.
Preparing For The Mayan 'Doomsday Prophecy' #~# With the Mayan Long Count calendar concluding a 5,125-year cycle, many doomsayers are predicting a cataclysmic event will occur next Friday, Dec. 21. Here’s how people are preparing for what they view as an impending global catastrophe:
The Onion's Gift Guide For The Home #~# Are you the kind of asshole who can't get enough Crate & Barrel? If so, find the right presents to liven up your home this holiday season in The Onion's gift guide for the home.
Man Has Such Good Friends They’ll Let Him Drink Himself To Death Right Before Their Eyes #~# FAIRBORN, OH—Local resident and full-blown alcoholic Ken Mathiessen has such caring and loyal friends that they are willing to stand by in silence as the 32-year-old drinks himself to death right in front of them, sources confirmed Friday. “I’ve got the greatest buddies anyone could ask for,” said the pale and increasingly sallow Mathiessen, who can always count on his close-knit circle of friends to keep quiet, look the other way, or outright enable his most self-destructive of impulses. “If it weren’t for Patrick, or Gary, or even Michael, I don’t know where I’d be today. Probably not at Mad Hatters every night, that’s for sure.” According to reports, Mathiessen’s steadfast companions will continue to be there for him, whether at a nearby bar, around his hospital bed in June, or at his agonizing funeral service later this year.
Scientist Names Ancient Lizard After Obama #~# In honor of President Barack Obama, a Yale University scientist has bestowed the name Obamadon gracilis on a species of ancient lizard that was less than a foot in length and went extinct around the same time as the dinosaurs. What do you think?
Area Woman Just Itching To Complain If Anyone Objects To Nativity Scene In Park #~# HUNTINGTON, WV—Local resident Ann Jacobsen announced Tuesday that she is “champing at the bit” to complain to township officials should anyone object to a display of the nativity scene recently erected in the community park. “Someone’s bound to say something, and when they do, I’ll be ready to unleash a big tirade about the attack on Christian traditions and our right to publicly celebrate religious holidays,” said Jacobsen, adding that she is “raring to go” with a long-winded speech defending the presence of the diorama, which depicts an infant Jesus Christ lying in a small manger alongside life-size figurines of the Virgin Mary and Saint Joseph. “Then I’ll launch into a whole thing about how if this was a display for a Muslim or Jewish holiday, no one would be saying a thing. Oh, and I’ll top it all off by arguing that if you don’t like it, no one’s making you look at it. I can’t wait.” Jacobsen also confirmed her desire to harshly criticize anyone who takes offense to the “Merry Christmas” sign above the exhibit. At press time, a disappointed Jacobsen looked on as a Middle Eastern woman walked by the exhibit and commented that it was “very nice.”
Study Finds Millennial Generation Stays On Phone With Parents Throughout Entire Day #~# DURHAM, NC—In a groundbreaking study published this week in the Journal Of Social Psychology, scientists reported that members of the millennial generation typically spend the entirety of their waking lives seeking emotional support from their parents over the phone.
Guys With Boring Jobs Really Hitting It Off A Few Rows Back On Airplane #~# PHOENIX—According to sources currently seated in rows 14 through 18 aboard flight 763, two middle-aged men with incredibly boring jobs are really hitting it off during the three-hour trip to Kansas City.
Slovenian 8th-Graders Surprised Even They Outperformed U.S. Students In Science #~# LJUBLJANA, SLOVENIA—Responding today to his nation’s ranking in a new international study measuring student performance, 14-year-old Izotk Rogelj told reporters he was more than a little surprised that even he and his classmates, all eighth-grade students from Slovenia, had outperformed their American counterparts on science achievement exams. “I mean, I know they’re in desperate need of education reform over there, but those guys ranked four spots below a country where the average income is half what it is in the United States,” said the flabbergasted pupil, noting that Slovenia’s national education budget of $2.8 billion in funding for every single basic primary, secondary, and tertiary institution was enough to buy “maybe three microscopes.” “I understand the global recession has taken a toll on American education as much as anywhere else, but I live in an Eastern European nation that barely existed 20 years ago. And yet we manage to beat a nation with the highest GDP in the world? Pretty weird, right?” Rogelj said that despite America’s shortcomings in education, he was hoping to go there for college one day.
Taylor Swift Apparently Now Dating 'Garfield' Creator Jim Davis #~# NEW YORK—Following reports earlier this week of pop star Taylor Swift’s whirlwind romance with One Direction singer Harry Styles, sources confirmed today that Swift has moved on and is apparently now dating Garfield creator Jim Davis. “Taylor and Jim were first spotted canoodling in a SoHo bar last night, and we were able to confirm today that the two are indeed an item,” Gawker contributor Janice Reynolds wrote of the relationship between the nearly 23-year-old singer-songwriter and the 67-year-old syndicated cartoonist, nicknaming the couple “Tayvis.” “Just this morning, fans took several photos of the lovebirds leaving her Tribeca hotel hand in hand. They’re actually really cute together.” At press time, sources reported seeing the new couple board a private jet that was most likely bound for Davis’ home in Albany, IN.
Union Supporters Throng Michigan Capitol #~# In what may be the largest demonstration ever held at the Michigan Capitol, labor supporters protested the Republican-controlled legislature’s passage of a right-to-work bill, which would bar mandatory union enrollment in a state famous for its auto factories. What do you think?
Toddler Leaders Call For Increased Duck Visibility #~# WASHINGTON—High-ranking members of the toddler community made an impassioned appeal Tuesday for greater duck visibility, calling for more unobstructed views of the beloved waterfowl.
I Get To Determine Whether Gay People Can Marry #~# Last week, the Supreme Court decided to take up a pair of cases related to gay marriage, cases that will for the first time determine the constitutionality of laws denying marriage rights to same-sex couples. As a member of the nation’s highest court for the past 21 years, I can remember few rulings of such consequence as these two, which will affect the lives of so many people. So as the time approaches, I ask all Americans to think long and hard on what these decisions will mean for the future of our nation, and also think long and hard about the fact that I, Clarence Thomas, will get to determine whether gay people can marry each other.
The Onion's Gift Guide For Kids #~# Looking for the perfect present for your kids? The Onion presents its ultimate holiday gift guide for children ages 5 and up.
Kidnappers’ Demands Only Make Sense Given Economy #~# NEW YORK—Detectives from the New York Police Department confirmed that a list of demands received Wednesday from the abductors of 14-year-old Julia Weatherford, the daughter of multimillionaire financier Austin Weatherford, only make sense given the state of the nation’s economy. “The kidnappers promise to release Julia in exchange for $6,000 to pay for a few months’ rent and groceries, as well as a monthly subway pass and a warm parka for a 10-year-old boy, which considering the state of things, isn’t entirely unreasonable,” investigator Mike Brumm told reporters. “In a booming economy, sure, we’re used to hostage-takers asking for bearer bonds and helicopters. But these individuals said they’d be happy if we just gave them the name of a good, affordable mechanic and any toys our kids don’t play with anymore.” The Weatherford family confirmed their intention to comply with the ultimatum, adding that they’d probably toss in a $100 Outback Steakhouse gift card so the perpetrators “can have a nice night out.”
Iran Debuts State-Run YouTube Substitute #~# With YouTube banned there since the disputed election of 2009, Iran recently launched its own video-sharing website called “Mehr” (the Farsi word for “affection”), which only shows government-approved video clips. What do you think?
Boehner Just Wants Wife To Listen, Not Come Up With Alternative Debt-Reduction Ideas #~# WASHINGTON—Amid the continuing debate over the upcoming “fiscal cliff,” sources close to House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) confirmed Monday that he simply wants his wife, Deborah, to listen to his budget proposal and “isn’t in the mood for a debate” over her suggestions for alternative ways to reduce the federal deficit. “Hey, honey, would you please stop throwing in your own ideas and just listen to what I’m saying, okay? I know what I’m doing here,” said Boehner, who reportedly grew increasingly frustrated as his spouse interjected various ideas for closing loopholes, limiting deductions, and scaling back health care costs in order to trim the government’s $16 trillion debt. “Don’t you think I would have thought of lowering marginal tax rates? If you just let me talk for two seconds—Debbie…Debbie, please!—if you just let me finish, you’ll see that I already considered lower marginal tax rates as well as raising the rates of capital gains and dividends, and it doesn’t work. The revenue doesn’t add up, and—see, I’m trying to explain it to you, but you won’t listen.” At press time, after hearing his wife’s lengthy argument, Boehner was forced to concede that her suggestion to institute a gradual increase in the Medicare eligibility age was “a pretty good idea,” although “similar to an idea I already had, actually.”
The Onion's Plan For Solving The Fiscal Cliff Crisis #~# With the so-called fiscal cliff arriving in three, The Onion would like to offer its own simple and mutually beneficial plan for averting a crisis. Those who reject any part of this plan are not only ignorant, but are also guilty of actively trying to undermine the nation and its government.
Other Nurse Thought It Was Funny #~# LONDON—Responding to popular outrage over the prank call from Australian DJs Mel Greig and Michael Christian that may have led to London nurse Jacintha Saldana’s suicide last week, ward nurse Lynn Parker, who also spoke to the pair of radio hosts, told reporters Monday that she thought the prank was actually pretty funny. “I have to admit I had a pretty good laugh over it,” said the nurse, adding that the two DJs “really had [her] going there for a moment.” “The whole thing was very well done; they really nailed those impressions. I went back and listened to a few archived episodes, too, and I’m a pretty big fan of the show now.” Parker went on to tell reporters that the whole incident “really made” her week.
Disappointed Couple On 8-Month Waitlist To Get Married At Pentagon #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they “had [their] hearts set” on the venue, engaged couple Tamara Hunter and David Bryant expressed disappointment to reporters Monday upon learning the headquarters of the Defense Department currently has an eight-month waiting list for weddings. “We figured there would be a lot of other couples trying to book the Pentagon for their wedding, but we had no idea we’d have to reserve it so far in advance,” said Hunter, voicing regret and frustration that she hadn’t acted sooner to realize her vision of an intimate marriage ceremony officiated by Defense Secretary Leon Panetta in the military office complex’s 5-acre central plaza. “I guess we should have known we’d never get in there for a May wedding—after all, it’s every little girl’s dream to have her special day in a 6.5-million-square-foot defense facility.” Hunter added that she and her fiancé were now considering both the deck of the USS Theodore Roosevelt and Bagram Airfield, but stated that these second-choice locations “just didn’t feel right.”
China To Be Biggest Economy By 2030 #~# According to an analysis by U.S. intelligence agencies, China will have surpassed the United States to become the world’s largest economy by 2030. What do you think?
Furious Bleacher Report Editor Will Make Staff Rank Things All Fucking Night If He Has To #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Frustrated with the poor quality of lists the website’s writers have produced as of late, BleacherReport.com editor Eric Briggs threatened Monday to force the staff to rank things “all fucking night” if he had to. “What do you fucking think this is? It’s Bleacher Report. Pick any fucking sports shit and rank it,” said Briggs, before angrily slamming shut the laptop of a young writer he found working on a 4,000-word feature on the legacy of racial prejudice in tennis. “I don’t give a shit if you’re tired. Rank the goddamn top 10 fingers on Tom Brady’s hands if you have to. Just shit something out, and people will click through it.” Briggs added that if he did not have 400 new lists ready to put up on the website the next morning, the staff could “say goodbye” to their “cushy-ass $5-a-post jobs.”
Coffee May Prolong Life #~# Recent studies have showed that coffee drinkers are likely to live longer than non-coffee-drinkers, regardless of whether their beverage of choice is regular or decaf. What do you think?
Tim Tebow Puts Empty Gatorade Cups In Wildcat Formation On Jets Bench #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Jets quarterback Tim Tebow reportedly sat alone during Sunday’s game against the Jacksonville Jaguars, arranging empty Gatorade cups in the wildcat formation and running plays across the bench. “I walked over there and he was muttering something to one of the cups about it having ‘unique skills’ that would make the wildcat a powerful offensive weapon,” said Jets defensive lineman Mike DeVito, adding that there was also a Tebow-voiced analyst cup that said cups in the wildcat provided the only chance to win the game. “At one point he had all those cups join together in a circle, and he closed his eyes like he was praying with them.” With the game on the line in the closing minutes of the fourth quarter, Jets coach Rex Ryan turned to Tebow to ask for the cups back, as team members who were playing in the game were reportedly thirsty.
Chad Greene and Danielle Faye #~# Chad Greene and Danielle Faye were married before friends and family this weekend, but as of press time it was not known if the ceremony was beautiful.
Sesame Street #~# PBS
Johnny Manziel #~# Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel threw 24 touchdowns and rushed for 19 during his freshman year, becoming the first freshman to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
Pot, Gay Marriage Now Legal In Washington #~# Same-sex marriage licenses became available in Washington state yesterday at 12:01 a.m., and at the same time, a voter-backed law decriminalizing the recreational use of marijuana took effect. What do you think?
Chris Christie Dreaming About 72-Inch Springsteen Sub #~# TRENTON, NJ—Slowly licking his lips and salivating as he indulged his imagination, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon alone in his office daydreaming about a mouthwatering 72-inch Springsteen sub. “Mayo, lettuce, Bruce Springsteen, a few of those spicy peppers right on top—oh man,” Christie was overheard murmuring to himself alone at his desk, his eyes closed as he tantalized his taste buds with visions of the 6-foot-long toasted sandwich piled high with the Boss and provolone cheese. “Mmmmmmm.” At press time, sources confirmed Christie had decided to sprinkle some Little Steven on top as well.
Eagles Concerned By Nick Foles Asking About Best Ways To Tear ACL #~# PHILADELPHIA—According to team sources, members of the Philadelphia Eagles’ staff were “incredibly troubled” Friday after new starting quarterback Nick Foles began asking about the most effective ways to tear an ACL. “I was a little confused when out of the blue Nick asks me about the best way to suffer a serious knee injury, but I became really concerned when he asked if there’s a particular popping sound to listen for when the ACL snaps,” said Eagles head athletic trainer Rick Burkholder, adding that the rookie quarterback asked him several times to physically demonstrate the precise twisting motion required to “totally rip the ligament to shreds.” “The whole time he kept saying he was just curious to learn about the body, but then he asked if there was an easy way to also tear the PCL and MCL at the same time, and specifically whether that would sideline a football player for at least a couple months. It was all very worrying.” At press time, a smiling Foles was reportedly being carted off the team’s practice field.
New Study Finds Primitive Customers Capable Of Buying Tools From Hardware Store #~# PHILADELPHIA—A new study published Friday by scientists at the University of Pennsylvania found that under certain conditions, even the most primitive of shoppers possessed the ability to purchase simple tools from their local hardware stores. “Our research indicated that while these customers lacked a highly developed prefrontal cortex, they could nonetheless use money to acquire basic tools and transport these items back to their places of dwelling,” said evolutionary biologist Sheila Simmonds, who co-authored the study. “This is a startling discovery, as we previously believed they lacked this capacity entirely. We even found evidence suggesting that some lower-order shoppers had a rudimentary ability to fumble in their pockets and try a different credit card if their first one was denied.” Simmons suggested that a future study might look at whether primitive customers had the verbal skills necessary to ask for the tool they wanted, or were forced to simply point and stare at it with their mouth open until someone helped them.
Area Family Has No Idea Where Dad Gets Shirts #~# SHERIDAN, WY—Saying he must get them somehow but that his means of procurement remained a mystery, the children of area father Don Griffith, 42, confirmed Friday they have no idea where he gets his shirts. “We know he gets new ones, because he’ll wear the same old stuff for a long time and then all of a sudden he’ll put on some sort of plaid Nautica golf shirt we’ve never seen him in before,” said Don Griffith Jr., 14, noting that the only exceptions were his father’s T-shirts, which usually featured written phrases indicating where he got them from. “I don’t even know when he would have time to go out and buy them. It seems like he’s usually with us when he’s not working. Maybe there’s a shirt store by his office?” At press time, the children realized that, oh, right, Mom buys them.
Jerry Jones Wanders Up And Down Field During Game #~# DALLAS—Claiming he wanted to “go get himself” a closer look at the action, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wandered out onto the field during his team’s game against the Philadelphia Eagles Sunday, joining huddles, advising players, and berating officials.
Starbucks Opening 3,000 New Stores #~# The Seattle-based coffee chain Starbucks announced plans to open 3,000 new stores in North and South America over the next five years, with half to be located in the United States. What do you think?
Massage That Broderick! #~# GSN
Obama Paranoid Government Coming For His Guns #~# WASHINGTON—Reflecting attitudes held throughout his personal and political life, President Barack Obama restated Thursday his long-standing fear that the U.S. government is even now putting measures in place to take his guns away.
Kobe Bryant Blasts Teammates For Failure To Criticize Pau Gasol #~# LOS ANGELES—Claiming there was “no excuse” for tolerating weakness, Lakers guard Kobe Bryant publicly called out his teammates Thursday for their failure to condemn center Pau Gasol’s lackluster play this season. “We all need to step up, get right in his face, and vilify him like we really mean it,” said Bryant, who encouraged the entire team to “come together and just attack, attack, attack” the 7-foot-1 Spaniard. “Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one denouncing Pau’s weak style of play every single night. That’s not acceptable. This has to be a team effort. I want our bench guys to get involved. Coach [Mike D’Antoni] is with me on this, but even he knows he could be doing more.” Bryant also issued a challenge to each and every one of his teammates to draw technical fouls for fighting with Pau Gasol during Friday’s game against the Thunder.
Sitcom Characters Still In Shock After Christmas Episode Proves Existence Of Santa Claus #~# ORSON, IN—Characters from ABC situational comedy The Middle are reportedly still in complete and utter shock after the conclusion of a recent Christmas episode revealed that Santa Claus does in fact exist. “Jesus, are we going insane?” said the show’s protagonist Frankie Heck, several days after hearing the faint sound of sleigh bells as her 10-year-old son Brick joyously unwrapped a popular new toy that she and her husband were unable to buy in time for Christmas. “This essentially alters my entire perception of reality. There is an immortal being out there who leads a workshop of elves on the North Pole and hand-delivers presents to every child on earth in a single night? One minute we were trying to resolve a relatable, commonplace domestic situation, and the next we learned that time and space can be completely altered—I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind.” Sources confirmed the shaken couple then refused to help their oldest daughter Sue prepare for an upcoming school dance, claiming that “none of this bullshit matters anymore.”
Man Freely Smoking Pot in Washington Literally Has No Issue He Feels Strongly About Anymore #~# SEATTLE—Celebrating the new law in Washington state that allows him to freely smoke marijuana within his home, local man Erik Cirrone, 25, told reporters Thursday there is no longer any political or social issue he feels strongly about in any way whatsoever. “Yeah, the right to smoke marijuana legally was pretty much the only thing even remotely tying me to events going on in the world,” said Cirrone, who unreservedly took a drag from a joint before adding that he does not have an impassioned stance, or any stance at all, on topics such as the economy, health care, gay rights, unemployment, Gaza, global warming, or any other major domestic or international matter. “I used to consider myself pretty political before this law was passed, but now I realize this was actually the one and only political issue I cared about. Don’t really give a shit about anything else, frankly.” At press time, Cirrone was smoking pot.
Charlie Batch Totally Embarrassed After Almost Losing To Joe Flacco #~# PITTSBURGH—Steelers third-string quarterback Charlie Batch told reporters Wednesday that he still felt completely humiliated by the shame of nearly losing to Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco in week 13. “Oh my God, I can’t believe that I had to put together a 61-yard drive in the closing minutes just to beat Joe Flacco,” said the absolutely mortified 38-year-old, who has recorded 61 touchdowns and 52 interceptions during a NFL career spent almost entirely as a backup. “That could have been the last game I ever started or even played in. If you lose to Joe Flacco, you know it’s all over. There’s just no way you can call yourself a pro quarterback after that.” Ravens wide receiver Anquan Boldin expressed empathy for Batch, admitting that he often feels totally embarrassed to be seen in the same huddle as Joe Flacco.
Apple To Assemble Some Computers In U.S. #~# Having manufactured its products in Asia since the late 1990s, tech giant Apple announced this week that it would return production of some of its Mac computers to the United States in 2013. What do you think?
Relationship Definitely Hurtling Toward Something #~# GURNEE, IL—After dating only two months, local couple Marcus Evenberg and Tyra Stone told reporters Wednesday their relationship already appeared to be hurtling toward something, though they could not confirm what that might be. “We’ve definitely thrown caution to the wind and are charging headfirst in one direction or another,” said Evenberg, adding that the relationship had the potential to lead, quite soon, to a development of some kind. “This is somehow going to change our lives in a big way, I’m sure. And we’re certainly moving very rapidly toward whatever lies ahead.” Experts agreed the Evenberg-Stone relationship had picked up such speed that the two were likely to lose all control and, as a result, experience strong positive or negative emotions toward each other.
38-Year-Old Little Boy Posts Picture Of Fast Car He Likes To Facebook #~# EASTON, MD—Informing reporters that it was one of the coolest things he had ever seen, 38-year-old little boy Nick Weber posted a photograph of a fast car he liked to his Facebook account Saturday.
NASA To Send New Rover To Mars In 2020 #~# Following the success of its Curiosity rover, which has made key discoveries about the past existence of liquid water on the surface of Mars, NASA announced its intention to send another large rover to the Red Planet in the year 2020. What do you think?
Lego Man and Dora the Explorer #~# A Lego man and Dora the Explorer sealed their arranged marriage Wednesday with a face collision.
I Honestly Don't Understand How Anyone Could Support Chris Brown #~# As a performing artist with years of experience in the music and entertainment industry, I’ve seen firsthand how obsessed and devoted an entertainer’s fan base can be. From emulating an artist’s style of dress to spending hundreds of dollars for concert tickets, diehard fans will often stop at nothing to support their favorite performer, even when he or she has acted in less-than-admirable ways off stage. After all, you may not always agree with a person’s behavior, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to continue supporting them as a performer.
Pope Tweets Picture Of Self With God #~# MIAMI—In his first post since joining social networking site Twitter early this week, Pope Benedict XVI has tweeted a picture of himself spending time with the Lord Our God, Divine Creator of the Universe. “Feelin real blessed today to be hangin out wit @therealHeavenlyFather today!” the pope wrote to his nearly 500,000 Twitter followers, attaching a link to a Twitpic photo of himself in which he is seen relaxing on his papal yacht with God. “Just gettin some sun and sippin cocktails. #loveit.” At press time, the picture had been retweeted by Taylor Swift, Bruno Mars, Oprah Winfrey, and Jesus Christ.
Poll: Majority Would Back Hillary Clinton In 2016 #~# Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would garner the support of 57 percent of Americans—66 percent of women and 49 percent of men—if she chose to run for president in 2016, according to a new poll. What do you think?
Department Of Transportation Announces New Highway Concert Series #~# WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Transportation announced plans Wednesday to stage Traffic Jam 2013, a brand-new highway concert series that will feature popular musical acts performing for passing motorists on America’s shoulder lanes, median dividers, and overpasses.
Highlights Of 'The Hobbit' #~# Excitement is building ahead of next week’s opening of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, the first in a three-part series based on the classic J.R.R. Tolkien fantasy novel. Here’s what to expect from the surefire blockbuster:
Flu Season Arrives Month Early #~# Citing an uptick in influenza reports in the Southeast and Texas, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned that flu season has arrived a month earlier than usual and noted that this year’s strain could be particularly troublesome for the elderly. What do you think?
Nation’s Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games #~# NEW YORK—In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be played. “Do you think you’re some sort of funny guy? Do you think you can mess with me? Well, now is the time to do that,” said veteran Bronx detective Roger “Ratchet” O’Doyle, adding that it was the perfect time to mess with him and that, for the moment, lowlife scum could also assume he was born yesterday without fear of being shoved into a wall or dangled from a rooftop. “We’ve got about two hours here to get jerked around by punks like you. After that, it will no longer be a game, but for now, we do indeed have time for this shit.” The period in which hardass cops can be fucked with will reportedly continue until former detective Darryl Sykes emerges from retirement, grabs a low-level drug dealer by the shirt, shouts “Playtime’s over!” and tosses him off a bridge.
Jeff The Normal-Nosed Reindeer #~# ABC
15-Year-Old Duchess Of McComb, AL Announces Pregnancy #~# MCCOMB, AL—In an announcement that quickly set Lowndes County abuzz with excitement, royal family sources revealed Tuesday that Brandy Puckett, 15, Duchess of McComb and first in the line of succession to the throne, was pregnant with her first child.
Coy 'Dexter' Producers Hint At 'Huge Plot Holes' In Season Finale #~# LOS ANGELES—Promising “jaw-dropping inconsistencies” and “flaws in the story line you never saw coming,” producers of the Showtime series Dexter offered fans a teasing look at the season-seven finale today, hinting to reporters that the Dec. 16 episode will contain multiple plot holes viewers won’t want to miss. “I can’t reveal too much, but fans should prepare to have their patience strained to the extreme as this season reaches its mind-bending and completely unbelievable conclusion,” series creator James Manos dished to the entertainment website TVLine, adding that the jam-packed episode offers fans “shocking narrative gap after shocking narrative gap.” “If you thought the end of season six was blatantly unconvincing, then this time your mind will truly be blown. You won’t believe how we destroy the continuity established over this past season and push all the pieces of the puzzle farther apart. At the end of the night, viewers will be saying, ‘How did they do that? And why?’” Manos added that fans will have plenty of time to discuss the finale before the premiere of season eight, when “all their questions will be left unanswered.”
Royal Family Releases Kate Middleton Ultrasound Image #~# LONDON—Excited members of the British royal family released an ultrasound image Tuesday morning showing the unborn child of the former Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, whose pregnancy was officially announced yesterday. “We are so thrilled to release this image of our future monarch, whose prophesied moment of ascension we await anxiously,” proud great-grandmother-to-be Queen Elizabeth II told reporters. “Soon it shall be with us. Soon all will be as foretold.” Representatives for the royal family claimed the child’s mother was “unable” to be interviewed, as she “needs much rest—the vessel requires strength.”
The Text Message Turns 20 #~# Twenty years ago yesterday, London-based software engineer Neil Papworth sent the world’s first text message, “Merry Christmas,” to a telecommunications executive at a party across town. What do you think?
It's Funny, I've Actually Only Been To New Jersey A Couple Of Times #~# When you think of Bruce Springsteen, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Maybe it’s the heartland rock music of your youth, or the E Street Band. Perhaps you think of New Jersey—heck, a lot of people do. But I have to admit I chuckle every time I hear that, because honest to God, I’ve only been to the place maybe three, four times tops.
Hardee's Introduces Shame Curtains For Customers To Eat Behind #~# ST. LOUIS—In response to extensive market research, fast food chain Hardee’s announced plans Tuesday to equip every table at its restaurants with its all-new “Shame Curtains,” large, dark drapes behind which menu items can be consumed in complete privacy. “We asked customers what we could do to improve their dining experience, and they said nothing would be better than finding a way to prevent them from making humiliating public spectacles of themselves as they enjoy Hardee’s classics like our two-thirds pound Monster Thickburger,” CEO Andrew Pudzer said during a press conference at which he demonstrated how to use the fully opaque, ceiling-to-floor Shame Curtains. “Once the double-Velcro closure is secure, you can consume your meal free from the recriminating glances and disgusted stares of your fellow patrons. And you don’t have to worry about feeling embarrassment in front of passersby, either, because we’ve decided to just go ahead and brick up all the windows.” Pending the success of the curtains, Hardee’s may experiment with subterranean tunnels that allow its restaurants to be entered from across the street.
Kim Kardashian Appearance Protested In Bahrain #~# Appearing in Bahrain to promote a new milkshake franchise called Millions of Milkshakes, celebrity socialite Kim Kardashian reportedly drew thousands of fans as well as at least 50 Islamist protesters, who the police repelled with tear gas. What do you think?
Pete Bushnell and Mary Thoft #~# Pete Bushnell and Mary Thoft were married Saturday in a church that still smelled like the previous day’s funeral.
Cut This Monster Out Of Me #~# By now the news has no doubt spread that early this morning I was admitted to the hospital due to severe morning sickness, a side effect accompanying my first pregnancy. Yes, it’s true: After a year and a half of marriage, William and I are expecting a child, a greatly anticipated occasion that has brought much joy to the Crown and personal horror to me, the innocent woman who was chosen from among millions to act, unwittingly, as nothing more than vessel for a deformed and unnatural being.
Dunbar Family Forced To Discontinue Print Edition Of Christmas Newsletter #~# PAULLINA, IA—In an e-mail to readers on Monday, editors of the Dunbar Family Annual Christmas Update announced that due to logistical constraints, they had decided to cease print publication of the newsletter, which will move to a web-only distribution model. “Amid a rapidly changing Christmas-letter landscape, the printed word has become a less effective way to keep you informed about Dunbar family affairs,” wrote editor-in-chief Phyllis Dunbar, who assured a readership of more than 60 friends and relatives that the December bulletin would remain the most reliable source for updates on Nathan’s progress in school, pet acquisitions and deaths, and the family’s travel plans. “Even as we move to expand our online presence, we have not forgotten our core principles of journalistic integrity and holiday cheer. We are very proud of our digital edition, and we think you will like it too.” At press time, sources had confirmed that as part of their transition to the digital age, the Dunbars would be eliminating 37 jobs.
Different Waitress Brings Order #~# FARIBAULT, MN—In a turn of events reportedly unforeseen by the party of four, the waitress at Tony's Family Restaurant who brought the Sostek family their food during lunch on Sunday was not the same one who took their order, sources at the table confirmed. “Huh, that’s weird,” said diner Ed Sostek, 47, who noted that while the tall blond one who took their order did not appear to be on break or anything, their entrées were nonetheless brought to them by the short brunette one. “Must be how they do things at this place.” At press time, members of the Sostek family were overheard discussing which one they should ask for the bill and speculating as to how the two women would go about splitting the tip.
Pope Joins Twitter #~# The Vatican unveiled Pope Benedict XVI’s personal Twitter account today, @pontifex, and stated that the Catholic leader would begin tweeting in eight languages on Dec. 12. What do you think?
UPS Reports Troubling Drop In Residents Answering Doors In Lingerie #~# SANDY SPRINGS, GA—In what delivery personnel are calling an alarming nationwide trend, customers who answer the door wearing alluring lingerie and little else now account for less than 24 percent of the shipping business, a six-month investigation by UPS officials confirmed Monday. “The latest numbers are, frankly, unacceptable, and a far cry from where the industry stood a decade ago, when the observed rate of middle-aged women receiving packages in titillating undergarments soared as high as 60 percent,” UPS spokesperson Mark Dickens told reporters. “Perhaps more upsetting is the fact that, of those still wearing carelessly fastened negligees or lace garter belts, a mere 12 percent are remarking on how very, very hot it is outside, inviting the deliverymen in for lemonade, and then conspicuously mentioning that their husbands are away at work and won’t be back for a long time. This is a problem that must be rectified immediately.” Despite the grim outlook for the home delivery service, a recent employee survey conducted by Time Warner Cable found that its repair technicians continued to report a steady bra-and-panties rate of 92 percent.
ESPN.com Visitor Wouldn't Have Watched Ad If He'd Known Video Was Just Analysis #~# BETTENDORF, IA—ESPN.com visitor Eric Escobedo was forced to endure a full 30-second advertisement for Bank of America on the website Sunday night, an experience he reportedly would not have tolerated had he known the “stupid video” was just analysis. “The headline said that the Bears lost in overtime and made it seem like something exciting, but it was just a bunch of talking about stats from Chicago’s last five matchups,” said Escobedo, adding that the site did not permit him to skip the ad. “Why would they put an analysis video on the front page? I definitely would have sat through the ad for highlights of touchdowns, interceptions, and sacks, or even clips of guys yelling about how the Bears suck.” Though frustrated by the experience, Escobedo refused to fault the website for wasting his time, admitting that he had willingly frittered away countless hours over the decades watching pointless analysis from ESPN.
Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man #~# CHICAGO—Local resident Daniel Paxson has reportedly heard dozens of accounts from numerous friendly sources in the past two weeks confirming that the new James Bond film is pretty good. According to persons with knowledge of the situation, an unnamed friend of Paxson’s coworker Wendy Mathers watched the movie on opening weekend and found it to be “decent enough.” News of this development is believed to have then led Mathers herself to see the film the following week. Though she was overheard describing its screenplay as “kind of forgettable,” Mathers is said to have concluded that Daniel Craig’s performance redeemed the movie overall, and according to witnesses, she voiced this opinion during a work meeting at which Paxon was present. Within a few days, a second coworker had reportedly seen the film and told Paxson it was “not the worst way [he] could spend a night out.” Sources said the accumulation of these mostly positive reports led Paxson to decide the movie was probably good and to consider checking it out himself sometime this week. At press time, reports indicated Paxson was perusing theater listings and confused as to whether the new James Bond movie was titled Killing Them Softly, Deadfall, Skyfall, or Silent Night.
Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges #~# Negligent Group Believed Responsible For Millions Of American Deaths
Dr. Dre Highest-Paid Musician Of 2012 #~# According to Forbes magazine, longtime hip-hop artist and producer Dr. Dre was the highest-paid musician of 2012 with earnings of $100 million, which stemmed largely from his successful Beats by Dre headphones business. What do you think?
I Was Impaled #~# Discovery
Nets Ask Deron Williams To Close Mouth While Dribbling #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Calling it a “disgusting habit,” teammates and coaches finally asked Nets point guard Deron Williams to stop dribbling the ball with his mouth wide open, team sources confirmed Friday. “It’s bad enough when he does it at home, but when we’re all playing in somebody else’s arena, it embarrasses us in front of the other team,” said Nets forward Gerald Wallace, adding that on several occasions he’s caught Williams drooling all over the ball while leading a fast break. “Not only is it gross, it’s just rude. We’re all trying to play basketball here. We don’t need to see that. Did his mother or high school coaches not teach him anything?” While on the subject, several members of the organization also called attention to how many visiting teams as well as members of the media are beginning to notice that Brook Lopez never showers.
Nick Moyer #~# In a private ceremony Thursday night, members of Kappa Delta Psi honored the memory of their recently deceased fraternity brother Nick Moyer by doing what he loved best: drinking a lot of Busch and showing their dicks to one another.
U-Say Responses To The Military Chaperone Program #~# We received thousands of emails about the army’s new chaperone program for women in combat. Here's what U-Say about this issue:
Every Team In NFL Calls Bengals To Let Them Know They Don't Want Carson Palmer #~# CINCINNATI—Claiming that the phone had been ringing off the hook all morning, Bengals owner and general manager Mike Brown told reporters Tuesday that representatives from every NFL franchise had contacted the Bengals organization to insist they absolutely do not want quarterback Carson Palmer. "As soon as the news got out that Carson wanted to be traded, coaches and general managers were just clamoring to let me know what a bad fit he would be for any team wanting to win football games," said Brown, adding that he was also contacted by several CFL teams expressing their uninterest in the Bengals starting quarterback. "Some teams have been hounding me five or six times a day just to let me know how badly they didn't want to see Carson Palmer in one of their uniforms next year." Brown confirmed that at least two dozen teams had offered the Bengals draft picks in exchange for a guarantee that the organization wouldn't try to make a deal for Palmer.
Walgreens Rolls Out Store-Brand Beer #~# The drug-store chain Walgreens has introduced Big Flats 1901, a budget beer that prices in at $2.99 a six-pack, in 4,600 of its stores. What do you think?
Department Of Health And Human Services Recommends Standing At Least Once A Day #~# WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing campaign to promote physical fitness and well- being, the Department of Health and Human Services is urging all Americans to set aside time at least once a day to stand.
No One Shows Up For Pro Bowl #~# NEW YORK—Despite the game having been scheduled well over a year ago, not a single person associated with the NFL—players, coaches, reporters, or stadium employees—arrived in Honolulu for the Pro Bowl on Sunday. "No one came," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said at a press conference. "I'd use this as an opportunity to reprimand those who failed to fulfill their duties, but, well, I didn't show up either. I hate the Pro Bowl. It sucks." Though Fox was forced to broadcast a blank screen in lieu of the game, the time slot boasted higher ratings than any Pro Bowl in history.
As A Matter Of Fact: Military Chaperones #~# A lot of people have been getting their knickers in a tizzy lately over the military's new plan to pair female soldiers with male chaperones. Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to weigh in on the matter with a true story about my own chaperone, Raymond, who has been accompanying me plum-near everywhere for the past five years. I hope it will make those of you out there taking offense at the army’s decision to see its value.
Classic Albums: 'My Name Is Barbra, Two' #~# VH1
Deadly Chemistry Band Show Review #~# I saw the band that Mark Shepard is in called Deadly Chemistry play songs at a bar on Saturday night.  He asked me to write a review of them to post on my blog so I'm going to do it.
Paranoid Duck Convinced CIA Killing Off U.S. Bird Population #~# TULSA, OK—Claiming with certainty that government agents were behind the unexplained deaths of several thousand redwing blackbirds in Arkansas this month, a mallard duck voiced suspicions Tuesday that the CIA has conducted a decades-long covert operation to decimate the nation's bird population.
Should Congress just make up a new protocol for signing a bill into law? #~# Should Congress just forget the old procedure for signing a bill into law and just create a new one that's easier to remember like putting all the bills in a hat and then whatever one is pulled out gets to be a law?
The CrossWord: More On Decoy Muslims #~# I've been getting calls all day saying, "Shelby, you have me terrified. Tell me some more about these Decoy Muslims."  All right, listen up, because I'm about to tell you what you should do next time you see someone who looks Muslimish. TAKE ACTION, that's what. Whether he's a convenience store worker, a police officer, or your doctor, the only smart move you have is to tie him up and start searching him for bombs.
Special Five-Part Series "Dumb In America" Begins This Week #~# "Dumb In America" host John Harris is on a search to answer a question as complex as America itself: What is Dumbness?  Is it simply being born stupid? Or is it an adopted identity, learned through association while attending sporting events or shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch? Dumb people are an important part of our society, bring their dumb ideas to everything from fashion industry to politics.  Today, complete idiots hold jobs as waiters, yoga instructors, talk-radio personalities, teachers, and doctors. In fact, today more than half of all Americans are dumb and the latest census indicates their numbers are increasing daily.
Twitter Messages Show Congressmen Do Not Remember How To Pass Bill #~# Panic struck Washington this week when it was discovered that no one in Congress remembers the process for passing a bill.  The following Twitter messages from inside Congress provide a glimpse of the desperation currently being felt on Capitol Hill.
FEMA Advisory Released For New Orleans #~# FEMA just released the following weather advisory for New Orleans:
Is it time to establish a specialized Federal Emergency Pornography Agency? #~# The government response to the pornography outage that hit the Midwest this week has faced widespread criticism, with many complaining the emergency porn distributed by rescue workers was low-quality, featuring unattractive performers, poor camera angles, cheesy music, and only one facial.  Is It time to establish a specialized Federal Emergency Pornography Agency?
Should officials be doing more to rescue snowbound Wisconsin residents from their immediate families? #~# Thousands of people in snow-covered Wisconsin are currently trapped inside their homes with their horrible, intolerable family members. As this crisis continues, are state officials doing enough to get them out?
Onion News Network Winter Weather Safety Tips #~# We urge all idiots to take caution during this snow emergency and keep in mind the follow tips:
Protect Yourself With An Emergency Porn Kit #~# As a historic blizzard continues to hammer the Midwest, many are finding themselves stranded and without an internet connection, unable to access even the most basic pornography.  Protect yourself. Keep Emergency Porn Kits in your home your home, car, and office.  While an Emergency Porn Kit won’t provide you with the endless variants of hardcore sex you’re used to, it will be enough to save you from going through a disaster entirely pornless.
World War II Hero Cursed Out For Driving Speed Limit #~# JAMESTOWN, ND—A decorated World War II veteran who was still a teenager when he first saw combat and witnessed the bodies of friends being torn apart by heavy artillery was cursed at by a passing motorist Tuesday for driving the posted speed limit. "Move it, you old fossil!" 32-year-old Brian Forsythe yelled at the man who charged into enemy fire to take out a machine-gun nest during the Allied invasion of Italy and was driving 65 miles an hour. "Get out of the fucking left lane!" The man, 85-year-old Carl Palmer, was on his way to the local VA hospital to receive the intensive weekly physical therapy that allows him to walk despite the chronic pain of a massive shrapnel wound he sustained 67 years ago.
Gym Adds Big Heavy Pull Thing In Corner #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—According to patrons of the gym, All-American Fitness added this new big heavy pull thing Tuesday, over in the corner by the leg press. The thing, which is reportedly pretty much a bunch of tubes and wires and pulleys, has different handles you can attach to it, including a T-bar, two loops on a rope, and some kind of metal swoosh. "I think it's supposed to work your front muscles," gym member Liam Kern said. "I did see a guy working his legs with it, though." At press time, no one had worked up the courage to ask the gym staff how to use the pull thing, and one person actually strained her quads when she attempted to push it.
States Eyeing Texting-While-Walking Legislation #~# Following the first increase in pedestrian fatalities in four years, some states are considering banning the use of electronic devices like cell phones and MP3 players in crosswalks. What do you think?
Toughness in Sports #~# Jay Cutler's supposed lack of toughness has people discussing the gutsiest performances in sports. Here are the ones we'll always remember:
Super Bowl Veterans Much More Prepared For Big Game's Unique Stresses #~# Rookies Often Rattled By Pools Of Boiling Blood, Scything Blades, Psychosexual Hallucinations
Study Links Adult-Male Smiling To Extremely Overweight Men Scoring Touchdowns #~# PHILADELPHIA—A study released Monday by the University of Pennsylvania Department of Psychology revealed a direct correlation between smiling in adult American males and the scoring of touchdowns by incredibly large or obese football players. "The initial results of the study proved that adult males offer at least a smirk at the sight of any extremely overweight man's head squished into a helmet," said Dr. Caroline Nissen, who directed the study. "But without fail, if that man happens to recover a turnover and begins to run with the ball, the size of the observer's smile grows exponentially, especially if the plump athlete attempts to jump over anything. By the time the obese player scores, literally every adult male we studied was grinning to the limits of his ability." Thus far, the study is being heralded by the medical community as a potential cure-all for males suffering from chronic depression.
MTV's Alternate-Dimension 'The Grind' #~# MTV
Submit Your Ad To OSN's One-Second Chance Super Bowl Contest #~# You've got one second to make an impression with the whole world watching.
Honey, I'm Not Going To Stand Here And Debate The Merits Of The First Two B-52's LPs In Front Of The Whole Supermarket #~# Honey. Please. Just drop it. I'm serious, I'm not doing this with you now. We're in the bread aisle of the Food Lion, for God's sake. I'm not going to get sucked in to another one of these stupid arguments again. Not now, okay? Not here. No, I'm telling you, I don't want to hear anything about the gimmickry of retro '60s hairdos or guy-girl fractured-pop ensembles, certainly not from someone who worships the Cramps, understand? So just stop.
Tom Gilbert, Actor Who Portrays TV's Regis Philbin, To Leave 'Regis & Kelly' Show #~# NEW YORK—Actor Tom Gilbert, who for the past 44 years has portrayed the popular television personality Regis Philbin, announced last week he will be leaving the long-running morning program Live With Regis & Kelly, saying he has taken the beloved Regis character "as far as it can go."
L-Cup Bra Introduced #~# Lingerie company Bravissimo introduced the world's first L-cup bra as part of their spring collection. What do you think?
Study: 89 Percent Of Networking Nonconsensual #~# ATLANTA—A new study published Tuesday by Emory University determined that 89 percent of networking encounters occur forcibly and without the consent of one of the parties involved, a disturbing finding that suggests far more people are victims of unwanted career-related discussions than was previously thought.
Democrats Hold Annual Retreat #~# Last weekend, House Democrats convened in Maryland and met with Vice President Joe Biden and President Barack Obama for their annual retreat. Here are some highlights of the meeting:
Boxing Fans Heartbroken As Kent Sudder Survives #~# Disappointing scene in Las Vegas as boxer Hector Ansada failed to kill his opponent Kent Sudder in the ring today. Despite  Sudder's clearly out-of-shape physique and a referee with near-criminal level tolerance for violence, Ansada was not able to deliver the final death knell that would have snuffed Sudder's spirit forever and send over 10,000 bloodthirsty spectators home happy.
Obama Delivers State Of The Union #~# Last night, President Barack Obama delivered his second State of the Union address. What do you think?
Report: For 8th Straight Year, Europeans Remain Weirdest-Looking Players In NBA #~# ORLANDO, FL—According to a report published this week by the University of Central Florida's Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sport, for the eighth straight season, the highest percentage of bizarre and unconventional-looking NBA players continue to be of European descent. "If a team is in need of a solid player with nasty hair, droopy eyes, a patchy beard, and a starkly pale body, Europe is the place to go," said Brian Fisher, the director of the university's study. "Over the years, it has consistently provided some of the weirdest-looking people the league has ever seen: Gheorghe Muresan, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Hedo Turkoglu, and Pau Gasol, just to name a few. Oh, and Dirk Nowitzki. How could we forget that goofy-looking guy?" Though European players occupied 25 of the report's 30 spots, Chris Bosh was named weirdest-looking player in the NBA for the fifth straight year.
Shepard's Pie: Deadly Chemistry Deadly Deets #~# There's a lot of buzz building around Deadly Chemistry's next gig after we got a little on-air publicity from yours truly.  We were already pretty pumped because the Orbit Room finally gave us a weekend gig after years of rocking Tuesday and Wednesday nights.  But we've been polishing the set list pretty much non-stop whenever we aren't at work and the storage facility where we practice isn't too busy, and we are ready to shine on Saturday.
God Almost Forgot To Kill Dave Elfman Of Boulder, CO Today #~# BOULDER, CO—After a long day of hearing the prayers of His followers and controlling the seas and skies, God confirmed today He almost forgot to kill 43-year-old Boulder loan officer Dave Elfman, nearly derailing His plan for the universe. "It was on my to-do list, but I kept putting it off and putting it off," the Supreme Being said. "I got so tied up with the floods in Brazil that I nearly blanked on giving Dave a massive cerebral hemorrhage. Hold on a sec . . . there. Fixed." With that, order was restored and Dave Elfman instantly dropped dead in the middle of a knot-tying demonstration in front of his 10-year-old son's Boy Scout troop.
Obama: Aside From All The Weirdos And Freaks Around Here, The State Of The Union Is Strong #~# WASHINGTON—Citing historical legislative accomplishments, an improving economy, and the American people's resilience in the face of adversity, President Barack Obama declared Tuesday that the state of the union—aside from all the weirdos, freaks, and truly bizarre citizens out there who are "just really, really strange"—is strong.
Reade High School: Home of the Warriors And Over 100 Documentaries #~# When people want to make a documentary about a slice of Americana, they come to Reade, Texas and join the long, proud tradition of filming a season's worth of footage of the Reade Warriors football team. Here are some of the best ones out there, but even if you watch these, don't worry; there's five more Reade documentaries slated for release this year alone.
QVC Temptation Tour Power Rankings #~# Ann Folger waged an unsuccessful battle against QVC, caving in and buying a pitcher with fruit infuser. That knocked her clean out of the power rankings for the week, so let's see who usurped her position:
Who's Your Tallest Player In The NBA? #~# Tonight's Dome counted UP the tallest players in NBA history, according to height. But who cares about numbers and measurements? OSN want to know who YOU think the tallest player in the NBA is.
What's Your Favorite Kobe Bryant Personality? #~# Kobe Bryant is announcing his newest personality this week, and we want to know what YOU think. Out of Kobe Bryant's vast array of personalities over the years, which has been your favorite?
U-Say Response To Detroit Judge's Decision #~# We received thousands of viewers mails about Judge Lemont's decision that 16-year-old Hannah Stevenson will be tried as a black adult. Here's what U-Say about the ruling:
It Seems The Hunter Has Become Arrested For Not Having A Gun License #~# Well, well, well. How the tables have turned. When I set out to stalk my prey early this morning, who could have predicted that events would unravel as they have? Only the fickle hand of fate knew what was in store, and so now it seems the hunter has become arrested for not having the proper license needed to legally own and operate a firearm in this state.
Senators Accuse Thrashers Of Pouring It On After 3-1 Loss #~# OTTAWA—Following their 3-1 loss Wednesday, Senators players accused the visiting Thrashers of poor sportsmanship for keeping up the intensity long after the game was out of reach. "At the end of the second period it was 2-1, meaning the game was basically over," said Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson, who called the Thrashers' behavior in tallying the gaudy score a violation of the hockey code. "What's going to happen? We're somehow going to score a goal and tie it? Maybe. Flukes happen, miracles happen. But are we going to score twice? This is hockey we're talking about, after all." Alfredsson would not rule out his team attempting to score three goals on the Thrashers in their next meeting regardless of whether the Thrashers score at all.
Van Morrison Removed From Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Following Allegations He Bet On Album Sales #~# CLEVELAND—Officials from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced Tuesday they were removing 1993 inductee Van Morrison from the institution following the discovery that he had bet on record sales throughout his career. "From 1971 to 1998, Mr. Morrison placed dozens of illegal bets on the success of his albums, sometimes wagering tens of thousands of dollars," said Hall of Fame president Terry Stewart, adding that the Irish singer had clearly rigged The Best Of Van Morrison to garner higher sales. "We also believe that he threw a number of albums in the 1980s." Supporters have argued that regardless, Morrison deserves a spot in the Rock Hall based on his record-breaking streak of 4,256 consecutive shows performed without cracking a smile.
Olbermann Abruptly Leaves MSNBC #~# Without any advance notice, MSNBC Countdown host Keith Olbermann announced during his program Friday that the show that night would be his last. What do you think?
Slacks Coach #~# TLC
Next In The Dome: A New Kobe, Boxing History In The Making And One Expert's Analysis Gets Thrown To The Pile #~# The SportsDome is starting to rev up, readying itself to bring you an overflowing plate of the latest sports information. Mark Shepard and Alex Reiser are going to make it happen and fill your brain full of sports knowledge until it hemorrhages and bleeds out.
Johnson & Johnson Introduces Self-Lotioning Baby #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Responding to increased demands for easily moisturized infants, the Johnson & Johnson pharmaceutical com≠pany unveiled its latest product Monday, a self-lotioning baby. "Parents no longer have to worry about manually lubricating their newborn infants," said spokesman Dale Rosteroz, adding that to receive a self-lotioning baby, couples need only mail in their sperm, an egg, and specify if they want their baby to secrete lavender or unscented lotion. "Nine months later, we'll send them a baby who can produce up to 40 fluid ounces of dermatologist-tested and dye-free lotion every month." Rosteroz added that if parents act now they will receive 10 percent off a Johnson & Johnson bronchial atomizer to remove the lotion that will inevitably build up in the baby's lungs.
Running Back Finds Self In Alternate Universe After Offensive Line Opens Up Black Hole #~# PITTSBURGH—The Steelers' Rashard Mendenhall has been stranded in a neighboring space-time continuum after particularly solid blocking by guard Ramon Foster and tackle Flozell Adams opened up a massive black hole in the Jets defense, which Mendenhall ran through for a huge interdimensional gain Sunday. "We're particularly concerned about his health due to the gravitic flux that discharges across the black hole's event horizon," said head coach Mike Tomlin, who called a time-out when Mendenhall translated out of our universe and sent the team's medical staff to wait at the edge of the singularity's accretion disc, but to no avail. "All we can do now is wait and hope that the alternate Steelers playing on the O-line in that version of Heinz Field can open up a hole big enough to bring him home." Although NFL rules state that the yardage gained on trans-dimensional plays is considered infinite, any gain by Mendenhall was wiped out by a holding call on center Doug Legursky.
127 Charged In Mob Sweep #~# In the largest mob crackdown in U.S. history, the FBI has targeted 30 “made” members and nearly 100 associates of the Mafia in New York, New Jersey, and Rhode Island. What do you think?
Gap Between Rich And Poor Named 8th Wonder Of The World #~# PARIS—At a press conference Tuesday, the World Heritage Committee officially recognized the Gap Between Rich and Poor as the "Eighth Wonder of the World," describing the global wealth divide as the "most colossal and enduring of mankind's creations."
Braylon Edwards Confident He Could Fly If He Tried Hard Enough #~# PITTSBURGH—After two impressive wins in Indianapolis and New England, confident New York Jets wide receiver Braylon Edwards told reporters Friday that under the right conditions, he could probably take off from the ground and fly. "I'm not saying it would be easy, but I'm pretty fast," said Edwards, who stretched his arms out to demonstrate how, for the most part, he would glide and use an occasional arm flap to keep aloft. "The problem is football fields are only 100 yards, and I would need more takeoff room than that. But if it's a downward slope, and I get the right wind behind me, I think I could probably make it to Florida." Edwards concluded the press conference by adding, "Nrrrrrrrrrwwwww I'm an airplane, pshew pshew pshew."
In Memory Of Susan Merriweather #~# With great regret, we wish to inform you of the death of Onion News Network international reporter Susan Merriweather.
Postmodern Family #~# ABC
IFC Channel Finder: #~# Find IFC On TV in your area:
Which song should SCOTUS choose as their theme song? #~# The Supreme Court's new matching jackets have been so well received by the public, the court will new be adopting an official theme song.  Which of the songs currently being considered do you think they should choose?
Study: Family History Of Alcoholism Raises Risk Of One-Man Show #~# CHICAGO—According to an alarming new study released Monday by the University of Chicago, children raised in households where alcoholism is present are at a significantly greater risk of writing and performing a one-man show than those who grow up in a more stable environment.
Is Christian Bale too cruel to run North Korea? #~# Human Rights Watch is already protesting Christian Bale's appointment as the leader of North Korea after he recently acted out on set by snapping at a cinematographer and then kidnapping two American journalists in his trailer. Is Christian Bale too cruel to run North Korea?
Arizona Proposes Stricter Sex-Offender Rules #~# With California's recent announcement that registered sex offenders will be required to wear lightly tinted sunglasses and denim cutoff shorts, many states are following suit with even stricter dress codes. Below, a regimen recently proposed in the Arizona state legislature:
Original Handjob Patent Document #~# This original schematic shows the mechanics behind the handjob as registered with the U.S. patent office. Amazingly enough, the technique has changed very little over decades of use.
The TuckScreen: Can't Wait To See Joe Biden's Band Play The Superbowl #~# I don't listen to much popular music these days because the pulsing electronic beat in many songs makes me queasy, but back in my younger days I was quite a tune-a-holic. Like many people my song-drink of choice was anything served up by the Joe Biden Band. I remember getting so excited whenever "Sister In Law" would come on the radio, I would actually tap my foot in time with the music!
Stevenson Trial Courtroom Sketches #~# Courtroom sketches depict 16-year-old Hanah Stevenson, who stands accused of murder.  Citing the severeness of her crime, a judge today ordered Stevenson to be tried as a black adult.
WB Press Release Details Batman Movie #~# In what is being described as a "foreign policy game-changer," North Korean leader Kim Jong Il will give up his nation's nuclear program in exchange for the lead role in the next Batman film. The following press release was issued by Warner Brothers pictures this morning:
Storyboards From New 'Batman' Starring Kim Jong Il #~# The following images are storyboard drawings for the film “National Batman Hero For The Betterment Of Economic Self Sufficiency” written by and starring North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. The quotes above the images are translations of stage directions given in script. More than 600 such images were released by the UN earlier today.
What should Melanie Wilkerson do to thank the fireman who saved her life? #~# Which of the following do you think Melanie Wilkerson should do as a show of appreciation to the family of the fireman who died saving her life?
Should Philadelphia spend public funds to build a 35-foot-high "Giant Bronze Handjob"? #~# To celebrate the invention of the handjob, the Philadelphia city council has proposed the construction of a 35-foot-high statue showing the act. Is this a good use of public funds?
Besides untangling headphones, which activity consumes more of your time? #~# A new government report says 200 million man-hours are lost each year to untangling headphones.  On which other activity do you spend the most time?
Which is your favorite Kim Jong Il superhero? #~# Of the various superhero characters played by Kim Jong Il during his long North Korean film career, which is your favorite?
Read Sarah Palin's Presidency Adventure #~# Download this fun, interactive mini-book to find out what might happen if Sarah Palin is elected president.  This book was first reported by Onion News Network (Fridays 10/9c on IFC) in the segment: Morbid Curiosity Leading Many Voters To Support Palin.
New Congressional Intern Disillusioned With Politics and Democracy In Record 6 Minutes, 41 Seconds #~# WASHINGTON—Once-idealistic Penn State senior Marc Leitman set a congressional internship record Tuesday when, within seven minutes of his arrival on Capitol Hill, he became hopelessly disillusioned with American politics, having overheard his sponsoring senator offer a government contract to a construction company in exchange for free home renovations. "I didn't even get a chance to introduce myself before he demonstrated how shamelessly the politicians in this town put their own needs above those of their constituents," a crestfallen Leitman said. "This whole damn town stinks to high heaven and I haven't even had my lunch break yet." The previous record for political disenchantment by a congressional intern was set in 2004 by University of Texas student Kerri Donovan, whose breasts were groped by her representative at the 09:54.00 mark.
Lieberman Not Running For Re-Election #~# Senator and one-time vice-presidential candidate Joe Lieberman (I-CT) announced that he would not run for a fifth term in 2012. What do you think?
Problems With Athletes' Charities #~# A recent Dallas Morning News report revealed that many charities run by sports stars are poorly managed, with some organizations appearing to exist only to employ the athletes' friends. Some extreme examples:
Prince Fielder Explains Complexities Of Salary Arbitration Using Cheeseburgers #~# MILWAUKEE—In an effort to clarify complicated financial negotiation procedures, Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder enthusiastically explained the intricacies of salary arbitration to reporters Wednesday by representing important elements of the process with dozens and dozens of cheeseburgers.
Jay Cutler Proves Naysayers Wrong By Defeating Shittiest Team Ever To Make Playoffs #~# CHICAGO—Silencing once and for all the multitude of critics who said he did not have what it took to be a postseason quarterback, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler led the Bears to the NFC Championship Game last Sunday by defeating the 8-10 Seattle Seahawks, by far the worst team ever to make the playoffs. "I think I've demonstrated what I'm truly capable of when I'm playing to my strengths," said Cutler, who threw for two touchdowns against Seattle's godawful 27th-ranked defense and had a four-game interception streak snapped only because Seahawks safety Jordan Babineaux inexplicably muffed a pass thrown at the goal line. "People got to see my true potential today." Cutler will play his first postseason game against an opponent with a winning record Sunday.
New Swears #~# SHOWTIME
The High Reis: I Don't Care About Politics So Obama Shouldn't Care About Sports #~# I work in sports on television as a man who talks about the sports stories of the day. I get on TV and I say if the players did bad or if the coaches did bad or if the teams did bad. I don't care about people who make laws so I don't say things about things like that.
Blockbuster Asks Creditors For Money #~# Faltering video-rental behemoth Blockbuster Inc. is asking its bondholders for $200 to $250 million so it can exit bankruptcy. What do you think?
In My Professional Medical Opinion, Pick At It #~# Even the most spry and agile among us get a little banged up now and then. We fall off bikes, trip on stairs, get our hands caught in doors. A minor injury of this kind is so common that we usually just want to "shake it off" and go about our day. But the truth is, even the smallest cut or scrape can become a big problem if not treated properly. Fortunately, tending to one is as simple as three words: Pick at it.
Supreme Court Mistakenly Used Belgium's Constitution For Last 3 Rulings #~# WASHINGTON—The U.S. Supreme Court announced Monday that it would have to review two weeks' worth of procedure after determining it had mistakenly based its last three rulings on a copy of the Belgian constitution left in the justices' chambers. "When I presented my case on legal citizenship status under proposed changes to immigration law, I wondered why they said my argument was in direct opposition to the parliamentary rights of the Walloons," said lawyer Hector Martinez, who argued before the court last week. "In light of this information, I think their denying my case based on a precedent set by the Duke of Beaufort in 1782 is null and void." Martinez has appealed his case, but is still awaiting confirmation of his audience with His Majesty Albert II.
Winona Ryder Finally Agrees To Sleep With Generation X #~# LOS ANGELES—After being a subject of Generation X desire for the better part of two decades, actress Winona Ryder announced Tuesday that she had finally conceded to having intercourse with every interested member within that age group.
Starbucks Introduces 31-Ounce Cup #~# On Tuesday, Starbucks introduced its largest-ever drink size, a 31-ounce cup for iced beverages called the Trenta. What do you think?
New Parenting Book Sparks Outrage #~# Last week, Penguin Press published Amy Chua's book Battle Hymn Of The Tiger Mother, which criticizes "Western" parenting and advocates an "Asian" approach that includes forbidding playdates and being highly critical of children in order to make them more successful. Here are some other tips from the book:
Report: Most NFL Receivers Compensating For Not Having Enough Things Thrown At Them As Children #~# MADISON, WI—According to a report released this week by the Association for Applied Sport Psychology, more than 86 percent of NFL wideouts became receivers as a way to compensate for the lack of things thrown at them during their childhood. "Because their mothers and fathers weren't there to whip things at their chests, these players must seek validation elsewhere," AASP spokesperson Melinda Panzer said in an interview. "You can see it in the agony on their faces when they yell at their quarterbacks to throw them the ball, or when they smack the ground when they don't catch it. Wide receivers are sick individuals who need help." The report also found that zero percent of NFL wide receivers suffer from a mental illness in which they feel compelled to practice more.
Giants Fan Visiting Philadelphia Feels Betrayed By Bud Light Ad For Eagles #~# PHILADELPHIA—New York Giants fan Mark DeLeon, 36, told reporters Monday that he felt shocked, hurt, and betrayed after seeing a billboard stating that Bud Light was also the official beer of the Philadelphia Eagles. "What the hell is this? The Eagles—our division rivals for Christ's sake," said a visibly distraught De≠Leon, adding that at the moment he saw the billboard, he realized all the posters, commercials, and promotional plastic cups pairing the low-calorie lager with his favorite football team were "complete bullshit." "While they're at it, why not just put a stake in my heart and tell me Bud Light is also the official beer of the fucking Red Sox." DeLeon added that he plans to take revenge on the disloyal company by drinking Bud Light Lime.
Fun! #~# FOX
Remembering Allison Pencey #~# Allison Pencey was profiled in the Wish Zone this week, a young Phillies fan whose burning hatred for and inspired heckling of Mets 3B David Wright kept her alive far longer than her terminal cancer should have allowed. It says something of her heart and drive that she died booing a Mets fan in her ward, collapsing both her lungs. That she used the ventilator to suck her last gasps of air and expel them telling the young Met fan to "go fuck himself with Santana's cock" says more than any blog post ever could.
What You Need To Know About Horse Corking #~# The Federation of International Polo has released a report indicating that the Chilean National Team has been corking their horses for the better part of the past decade. This creates a lighter, faster horse more capable of flashing around the polo pitch at lightning speed.
The Most Inspiring Wishes Ever Granted By The Wish Zone #~# Tonight, we brought you the story of Alison Pencey, an eight-year-old Phillies fan who didn't let cancer stop her from hating David Wright with all her strong little heart.  From the moment we met Alison and heard her call Wright a "pretty-boy slap hitter with a woman's face," she found a place in our hearts as one of the most inspirational Wish Zone recipients we ever had the pleasure of meeting.
All Hail The Toad! #~# Hey OSNation!
Horse Corking In Polo: What You Need To Know #~# In baseball, it's steroids. In football, helmet-to-helmet hits. Flopping in basketball and soccer have reached epidemic-levels. But another cheating scourge has hit a major world sport.
Get To Know The OSN Girlfriend Analysts #~# Brenda Kenyon -Boyfriend: Dominick Mirk -Length of Relationship: 1 year, 10 months -How Do You Feel About Sports: "They really are tremendous athletes, and I love how they play hard. I LOVE going to a game, drinking a beer and eating some nachos and being all sportsy! They're paid way too much but no more than movie stars or magicians. I don't really like baseball, it's way too slow and boring."
How Should Hockey Hoaxer Gary Bettman Be Punished? #~# The country has been talking about National Hockey Association commissioner Gary Bettman, whose kidnapping grabbed mid-paper headlines for the past few days.  Now it's been revealed that Bettman staged the kidnapping, hiring three of his top hockeymen to pretend to be his captors. How do you think Gary Bettman should be punished for this hoax?
Major League Baseball's Biggest Memory Bargains #~# The MLB is inaugurating its new Licensed Memory Price Structure with incredible clearance prices on their deep back catalog of Major League Memories.  Here are some of the best deals:
Bill Belichick Consumed By Insecurity, Jealousy Towards Quarterback For Years #~# Those who knew of Bill Belichick spoke of a dark, consuming insecurity that haunted the coach throughout his whole career.  Fueled by past rejections and a stunted sense of self-worth, Belichick was obsessed with the idea that his quarterback Tom Brady was too good for him, mocked him secretly behind his back with other players, and would someday leave him for a younger, more attractive coach.
When You Hire Union Plumbers, You Hire Trained Professionals Who Won't Fuck Your Wife #~# In my 27 years as a union-certified plumber, I've heard every negative stereotype you could possibly imagine: Union plumbers charge too much; union plumbers are lazy; union plumbers take way too long on jobs. Now, I'm not going to stand here and say there aren't a few bad eggs out there. There always are. But the fact is, when you hire a union plumber, you're getting quality workmanship from a thorough, highly trained professional whom you will never walk in on giving the high hard one to your missus if you come home early from work.
Excerpt From Bill Belichick's Journal #~# Belichick's journal, uncovered by police and released to the media this afternoon, shows a man teetering on the brink of a violent breakdown.  Watch the full Onion SportsDome story on Belichick throwing acid in Tom Brady's face.
Tiger Woods Wondering If He Should Tell People He's Still Getting Laid #~# WINDERMERE, FL—Tiger Woods reportedly spent several hours in deep contemplation Saturday, pondering whether he should inform friends, family, and reporters that he's still getting laid on a regular basis. "I suppose it's important to be open and honest about what's happening in my life, and it's not like I'm married anymore, so there's really nothing wrong with it," Woods said as he attempted to remember the number of sexual partners he's had over the past month. "On the other hand, people might get upset if they knew I was having sex three times a week with random women I meet at bars. I've only fucked a few ladies in the stall of the men's restroom and one on top of the sink, though. So that's not too bad." After deep consideration, Woods reportedly decided that it would be best not to reveal any sexual escapades that involved fisting, anal penetration, or urophilia.
Next In The Dome: Belichick's Jealousy, A Record-Breaking Performance And A Brave Phillies Fan Kept Alive By Her Hatred Of David Wright #~# If you're plugged into the Dome's 24-hour sports-drip, then you've already got the night's top stories and highlights flowing through your veins.  But Alex Reiser and Mark Shepard are back to inject a syringe of pure Dome straight into your heart.
Area Woman Prefers To Get Same Advice From As Many People As Possible #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—When faced with any kind of vexing decision or problem, 29-year-old Christine Lim prefers to weigh all her options by getting the exact same advice from as many people who already agree with her as possible, the area woman told reporters Monday. "If I meet a great guy who's really sweet but still getting over a bitter divorce, I just feel better knowing that 20 to 30 of my friends are in lockstep with my predetermined opinion that I should look past it and date him anyway," said Lim, who has also sought out a wide range of identical opinions on recipes, birthday gifts for her mom, and whether or not one of her shoulders is slightly higher than the other. "Calling on those close to me to endlessly reconfirm my worldview makes coming to conclusions that much easier." Lim added that on the occasions when she does encounter someone with a conflicting take, she is quickly reassured by her real friends that Laura is a total bitch.
'Baby Doc' Returns To Haiti #~# Former dictator Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier returned to Haiti nearly 25 years after he was deposed in a coup. What do you think?
Congress Honors 9/11 First Capitalizers #~# Recognizes Those Who Rushed To Cash In On Tragedy
Shepard's Pie: Let's Hope That Brett Favre Doesn't Die Like Charles Schulz #~# Growing up, I would always grab my stepfather's newspaper off the front stoop and run as fast as I could up to my room, lock the door behind me, turn right to the comics section and reacquaint myself with Peanuts friends. Every day I would laugh and laugh at those three panels. Most of the time I didn't understand what was going on, but I figured hey, it's in the comics section: it HAS to be funny!
Weary Haitians Shrug As Ragnarök Begins Outside Port-Au-Prince #~# PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Preoccupied with recovery from a devastating 7.0 earthquake, seasonal floods, a widespread cholera outbreak, and chaos in the wake of disputed presidential elections, the weary Haitian people simply shrugged in resignation Tuesday at the sudden onset of Ragnarök, the end of the cosmos as foretold in Norse mythology. "At first I didn't even notice the writhing serpents spewing poison into the sky, but once I saw Loki demolishing everything in his wake, I was like, 'Of course,'" unemployed barber Jean-Paul Aucoin said as Tyr and the hellhound Garm battled behind him. "It's a little odd, since Haiti has no connection to Scandinavian folklore, yet at the same time it makes perfect sense." Aucoin then went back to loading rubble into a wheelbarrow as Sköll devoured the sun, plunging the island nation of Haiti into complete and total darkness.
My Buddy, My Pork Chop #~# HUB
Power Of Imagination May Help Dieters #~# A study by Carnegie Mellon researchers showed that when subjects spent time imagining they were eating a particular kind of candy, they ate less of that candy than did control groups. What do you think?
U.S. Renews Contract With Spotted Ground Squirrels Through 2015 #~# WASHINGTON—The Department of the Interior announced this week that ongoing negotiations with the nation's population of spotted ground squirrels have been resolved and that the rodents are now contracted to continue activities on U.S. soil through Dec. 31, 2015.
The Emperor's New School #~# DISNEY
Brian Urlacher Theorizes Saturn Might Have Playoff Atmosphere #~# CHICAGO—Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher posited a new theory to his teammates Wednesday, speculating that the rapid rotation of Saturn, coupled with the planet's extreme conditions, greatly increase the likelihood that the gas giant has an amazing playoff atmosphere. "If I was on the visiting team, I wouldn't want to go there for a postseason game, because the environment would be incredibly hostile," Urlacher said. "The pressure just gets more intense the deeper you go, and the whole place just gets totally raucous because you've got to contend with 500 mph winds. Plus, the surface probably gets really slippery from the helium rain. Any team from Saturn who gets home-field advantage would make it to the Super Bowl easy." Although Urlacher claimed that the high concentration of hydrogen and trace amounts of methane, ammonia, phosphine, and acetylene would leave players gasping for breath, quarterback Jay Cutler insisted the thin Rocky Mountain air made INVESCO Field at Mile High a harder place to play.
Man Waiting Until Parents Die Before Doing A Single Thing That Makes Him Happy #~# MT. VERNON, WA—Thirty-seven-year-old bank employee Brian Terlaine is apparently spending his entire adult life avoiding any activity or decision that might give him the smallest bit of satisfaction until both of his parents have died.
The High Reis: Top Playoff Storylines #~# All the playoff teams are this weekend so I decided to make a post about the top storylines in each game, which are all interesting.  As explained to me, the storylines are the things people talk about.  But it is more complicated than that.  Anyway here are the storylines.
Dancing Wild Man Strikes Again, Badly Shaken Bar-Goers Report #~# CALMAR, IA—With manic grunts, crazed undulations, and an utter disregard for the personal space of others, the dancing wild man once again appeared without warning Tuesday at Calmar's popular nightspot the Horseshoe, leaving scores of patrons disturbed and disoriented. "I was just standing there when 'Friends In Low Places' came on the jukebox, and bam, there he was," said Jamie McAbee, describing her third encounter in five weeks with the mysterious gyrating figure. "The next thing I know, he's waving his arms all over the place and knocking a beer out of my hand. It was horrible." At press time, the dancing wild man was seen violently bobbing his head at Roscoe's Pub.
Political Pundits Surprisingly Good At Getting Inside Mentally Unbalanced Shooter's Head #~# NEW YORK—According to media analysts, the nation's TV commentators and political pundits have proved uncannily accurate when describing the deeply disturbed inner thoughts of accused Arizona gunman Jared Loughner. "It's strange, but when it comes to getting inside the mind of this human being who seems to possess no empathy, sense of morality, or hold on reality, and who is motivated only by personal animus and self-glorification, the nation's major political pundits have been amazingly adept," said Horizon Media analyst Bob Cullen, who has studied extensive tape of commentators on all major TV news programs and found their remarks on "what the killer is thinking" to be consistently thorough and detailed across the board. "It's almost as though they have some way of knowing, firsthand, exactly what this demented and highly dangerous individual with the eyes of millions upon him is going through." Researchers at Horizon Media also reported that a number of prominent TV pundits appeared to be mimicking the exact same chilling gleam in Loughner's eye for what they could only speculate was "dramatic effect."
Anti-Smoking Aid Tops List Of Violence-Linked Medications #~# In a study from Institute for Safe Medication Practices, the smoking-cessation medication varenicline (sold as Chantix in the United States) topped a list of the ten legal drugs most linked to violence. What do you think?
2011 Hall Of Fame Finalists #~# Canton has released this year's list of players nominated for the Hall of Fame. We weigh in on who is and isn't deserving of football's highest individual honor.
NFL Season Seems To Be Building To Some Sort Of Climax #~# NEW YORK—Though fewer and fewer games are being held each weekend, sources confirmed Thursday that anticipation and tension throughout the NFL seems to be gradually increasing, and the entire 2010-2011 season appears to be building toward some sort of momentous climax.
Terrible Seattle Seahawks Have No Chance In Hell Of Winning Playoff Game Again, Right? #~# CHICAGO—Though the historically bad Seattle Seahawks managed, despite a 7-9 record, to defeat the defending world-champion Saints on Saturday, football fans agreed yesterday that the team will be thoroughly demolished on the road in Chicago this Sunday, right? "Look, they have the 28th-ranked offense and 27th-ranked defense; they're going to lose by 100, or at least a touchdown or so, right?" said Bears fan Kent Palmer, adding "lightning doesn't strike twice, usually." "It doesn't matter that they've already beaten us this year and they went point-for-point with the Saints. Marshawn Lynch isn't good, and I can't even name one player on their defense, so, yeah, they're going to get destroyed. I'm, like, 75 percent sure of it. Like, 50 percent sure. Twenty-five percent." In response, quarterback Matt Hasselbeck assured reporters that the Seahawks are, in fact, going to lose.
Joe Biden's Delaware #~# TLC
Report: It Going To Take Way More Than An Inconceivable Act Of Violence For Country To Rise Above Politics #~# WASHINGTON—Sources struggling to make sense of the shooting rampage in Tucson confirmed Wednesday that it would take much more than brutally gunning down a congresswoman, a federal judge, a 9-year-old girl, and 17 others for the nation to rise above its current corrosive state of politics. "This was obviously a horrific tragedy, but nowhere near the unspeakable manifestation of evil it would take for politicians and pundits to act like decent human beings," said analyst Grant Ames, adding that this event would have been ripe for disgusting political opportunism even if 30 or 40 people had been killed. "Perhaps if some senators were kidnapped and buried alive as they screamed for mercy we might be able to rise above politics. But they'd probably have to be decapitated, on live television, for it to make any lasting difference. Then again, it still might not." Ames told reporters he couldn't rule out the possibility that no matter what happens, they will all just continue to act like complete assholes.
John F. Kennedy Makes Rare Appearance At Kennedy Center Honors #~# WASHINGTON—Former president John F. Kennedy made a rare appearance at the 33rd annual Kennedy Center Honors, which celebrated the long-standing cultural contributions of Oprah Winfrey and Paul McCartney, as well as composer Jerry Herman, country music legend Merle Haggard, and Tony Award–winning choreographer Bill T. Jones. "It is a great privilege to receive this honor in front of such a distinguished group," said Jones, gesturing toward President Obama, Ms. Winfrey, and the nation's 35th president. "This is such a thrill." Kennedy, 93, was last seen in public in 1994 at the funeral of his wife, Jacqueline.
Beating The Post-Holiday Blahs #~# Many people report feelings of depression after the holidays. Here are some ways you can relieve the seasonal doldrums:
Standoff In Ivory Coast Threatens To Boil Over Into Full-Scale News Blurb #~# WASHINGTON—As the standoff between Ivory Coast's defiant incumbent president and its president-elect continued into its seventh week, American media experts warned Tuesday that the tense political showdown could escalate into a full-scale news blurb. "We're looking at an extremely volatile situation that, if it isn't defused quickly and carefully, has the potential to explode into 100 to 150 words of news copy," said Joseph Durand of the Center for Media and Public Affairs, who noted that the BBC was already reporting sporadic sound bites being fired off by both sides. "In a worst-case scenario, we could see cross-border destabilization that spills over into a fifth or possibly even sixth sentence." In spite of the threat of a massive international armed conflict, U.S. media leaders vowed not to deploy American journalists to the unstable region unless a full-blown article broke out in nearby oil-rich Nigeria.
Tucson Keeps Church Protesters Away #~# The infamous Westboro Baptist Church called off plans to protest the funerals of those killed during the attempted assassination of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords in exchange for appearances on live radio programs in the Tucson area and elsewhere. What to you  think?
Iams Executives Scrambling To Figure Out Why Brand Is Losing 2- To 4-Year-Old Chocolate Labs #~# MASON, OH—Frantic executives of the Iams pet food corporation convened an emergency meeting Wednesday to address the brand's increasingly poor sales among 2- to 4-year-old chocolate-colored Labrador retrievers, company sources reported.
Sam Cassell Asks If He Can Get In On Carmelo Anthony Trade #~# WASHINGTON—Wizards assistant coach and former Houston Rockets guard Sam Cassell reportedly phoned his agent and several NBA front offices Monday inquiring if he could "get in on" the potential three-team deal that would send Carmelo Anthony to the New Jersey Nets. "Looks like there's a lot of guys included, so maybe I can just slide on in there," Cassell, 41, wrote in an e-mail to NBA commissioner David Stern. "Doesn't matter where I end up—Detroit, Denver, New Jersey—I'm not picky. Just, you know, make a little roster space for good old Uncle Sam is all I'm asking. What's the worst that could happen?" At press time, Cassell was constantly refreshing his e-mail awaiting a response from Stern.
Shooting Suspect Released After Not Breaking Any Arizona Laws #~# TUCSON, AZ—Jared Lee Loughner was released from custody this afternoon when it was determined that the suspect—accused of a shooting spree that left six dead and 14 injured, including Rep. Gabrielle Giffords—had not technically broken any Arizona state laws. "While Loughner is clearly a deranged madman who, with this heinous, tragic act, has proved to be a danger to himself and others, he has not explicitly violated any statutes currently on the books in Arizona," Pima County Attorney Barbara LaWall said of the man whom witnesses saw murdering a 9-year-old girl and a federal judge. "We can only hope that if he acts out again, another Arizona citizen will be legally carrying a concealed firearm and be able to stop him." LaWall told reporters that the only way her state would have any legal recourse in the brutal slayings would be if Loughner were Mexican.
Crystal Meth Hallucinations League Power Rankings - Week 2 #~# 1. Travis Wojkowski  -LAST WEEK: 2  -Wojkowski finally gets to number one on our power rankings after a strong week getting into a fistfight with his door and chasing an angry rainforest out of his bathroom.
Where Did U.S. Money Go In Iraq? #~# According to a report in The Washington Post, Gen. David Petraeus and other American military commanders were given access to $5 billion in discretionary funds to spend on various projects like a now-defunct $1 million water park in Baghdad. Here are some of the places the money went to:
Sitting Increases Heart Disease Risk #~# In a recent study, people who spent more than four leisure-time hours a day sitting in front of a TV or computer screen showed a 48 percent increased risk of death. What do you think?
Tim Duncan Reports 5th Straight Successful New Year's Resolution #~# SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan confirmed Monday that since he had not put off answering e-mails once during the entire year, 2010 would mark the fifth consecutive year he had held true to his New Year's resolution. "In 2006, I vowed to cut down on the sodium in my diet, and in 2007, I promised myself I would win another NBA championship and finally visit Denmark," said Duncan, adding that 2009's resolution to "loosen up and have more fun" was achieved by auditing a sociology course at the University of Texas at San Antonio. "2008 was hard, but on Dec. 31, I finally built up enough courage to talk to [AT&T Center concession-stand worker] Erin [Matthews]." This year, the 12-time All-Star has resolved to start cooking for himself more and to put more thought into the gifts he gives.
Bible Study Group Preparing For Bible Aptitude Test #~# ALBANY, GA—A local Bible study group led by 18-year-old Elna Parker has begun meeting more frequently and taking regular practice exams in preparation for the upcoming high-pressure Bible Aptitude Test. "The fact is, if you want to get into a good church these days, you have to do really well on your BATs," Parker told reporters Wednesday as she flipped through a heavily highlighted King James Bible. "My cousin didn't take them seriously, totally blew his Second Maccabees, and wound up in a Unitarian congregation." Parker went on to say that the math section was a breeze, since it was all threes, sevens, and 12's, but memorizing the 3,087 character names is where most people trip up.
Report: Nation Not Ready For This #~# Maybe 10 Years From Now, But That's A Big Maybe
God The Bounty Hunter #~# A&E;
From Working Keys To Rocket Suits: How Other Cities Have Enticed Their Star Players #~# St. Louis isn't the first city to offer a star enticements to stay with their team. Here's how  other cities have tried to keep their All-Stars in town.
OSN Globo Poll: Ultimate Fighter Nick Prindell’s Career Highlights #~# Handicapped fighter Nick Prindell has been garnering attention for his boundless talent and UFC's refusal to let him fight with his metal prosthetic hands. What's your favorite moment of Prindell's career?
Official Proclamation From St. Louis Granting Albert Pujols Working Key To The City #~# If all franchises received as much support in retaining star players from their home cities as the Cardinals have received from the city of St. Louis, Babe Ruth would have retired a Red Sox and Brett Favre might have been physically demolished in Green Bay this past season.
Keep Safe: What To Do If You See A Brain-Damaged Former NFL Player #~# Though the NFL claims they closely monitor brain-damaged retirees to keep them away from the general public, here are some things to remember if you see a former football player.
OSN Globo-Poll: The Heat's New Rules #~# Now that the Heat can sign any player who signs a Friendship Contract and touches everything in Chris Bosh's "Gross Box" while blindfolded, who should they pursue in the offseason?
More On Bosh, Wade And LeBron's New Rules For Basketball #~# The Dome brought you the first look at the new rules for basketball, designed by Heat superstars Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and LeBron James who were reportedly "sick of playing basketball the stupid way." But while they've gotten a lot of buzz for replacing shot clocks with strobe lights, putting lions in luxury boxes and making every team eat a whole pizza at halftime, the new rules go further than that.
The High Reis: My Suspension Gave Me The Opportunity To Think About Many Things #~# As you probably saw, Domers, tonight I made my return to the Dome after a long and difficult suspension. What I was alleged to have done or said on air is no longer of any importance. What matters is that I have learned many hard lessons about myself and my conduct, and I hoped to take this opportunity to talk about those lessons on a blog post written by me, Alex Reiser, of my own volition.
New NBA Basketball Rule #44 #~# Finding the buried treasure chest on Slam Dunk Island is worth 20 wins and an automatic playoff bid.  Back to SportsDome.
Original NBA Rules Proposal #~# The Onion Sports Network obtained the original proposal sent to the NBA and immediately ratified by commissioner David Stern who still has not bothered to read them. Back to SportsDome.
New NBA Basketball Rule #8 #~# Bosh came up with Rule 8, which allows for the use of ziplines players can ride right to the basket, after learning that rocket shoes were not feasible. Back to SportsDome.
Shepard's Pie: Return Of The Reiser #~# As Public Enemy might have said, millions of suspensions couldn't hold him back, and Alex Reiser is back on the Dome tonight!  I've gotta be honest, the fill-ins from down on the OSN-News Farm did a great job, but my mother always said, Dome with the one that brought you.  Me and A.R. go way back and that salty-sweet Shep-Reis taste cannot be duplicated with artificial flavors.
Great Game, Sport, Civilization Ruined By Speaking Of Phrase 'This Is For All The Tostitos®' #~# GLENDALE, AZ—A thrilling, down-to-the-wire BCS National Championship game between Auburn and the University of Oregon, as well as the sport of football itself and the entire 10,000-year history of civilization, was destroyed Monday night when the apocalyptic phrase "This is for all the Tostitos®" was intoned by commentator Brent Musburger just before the crucial last-second field goal that gave Auburn the now-meaningless title. "It should have been an amazing triumph for our team, not the corn-chip-endorsing downfall of the entire human race," said Auburn kicker Wes Byrum, adding that he was "despondent" at seeing the greatest moment of his life transformed into the fall of modern society. "Now, instead of celebrating with my family, we have to prepare for the marketing-driven end times." A spokesperson for Tostitos® estimated that Musburger speaking the words that ended the age of reason were worth the equivalent of $2.5 million in conventional advertising.
I Really Hope My Local McDonald's Will Participate In This Latest Promotion #~# I was watching television yesterday and a commercial came on saying that for a limited time only, McDonald’s is bringing back the Arch Deluxe. Yes, after a 15-year hiatus, the Arch Deluxe—a quarter pound of beef with ketchup, a secret mustard and mayonnaise sauce, and peppered bacon, all on a sesame seed bun—is finally returning. Not only did the thought of eating one excite me, but I immediately got caught up in the novelty of the whole thing. There was a lot of buzz when this sandwich first came out, and now, albeit for a short time, I can have it again.
Jimmie Johnson Goes Out For Nice 180 MPH Drive To Clear His Head #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying he was "still stressed out" from the tension of winning his fifth consecutive Sprint Cup, Hendrick Motorsports driver Jimmie Johnson unwound Tuesday by taking his No. 48 Lowe's Chevrolet for a leisurely 180 mph drive through the North Carolina countryside. "Sometimes I just like to throw on my comfy old Nomex suit and gloves, slide through the window of my Chevy, strap on the HANS device, buckle into that five-point racing harness, and just go," said Johnson, who claimed nothing was more soothing than watching the miles click by at the rate of three a minute. "I love turning up the radio and putting my elbow up on the fire extinguisher while I just kind of watch the world hurtle by like I haven't got a care in the world." Johnson returned two hours later, having only stopped outside of Atlanta for 9.6 seconds to get gas.
2012 Prius To Feature Rudimentary Reproductive System #~# TOKYO—In an effort to keep pace with its largely progressive customer base, Toyota Motor Corporation announced Monday that the 2012 line of Prius hybrid-electric vehicles would come equipped with a crude but functional reproductive system. "It's the same fuel-efficient, environmentally friendly car that drivers love, but with the option of male or female sex organs," said Toyota spokesman Veronica Bates, inviting reporters to examine the 85-pound vulva of a just-assembled female Prius, as well as the passenger-side vas deferens of its male counterpart. "The new anatomy is seamlessly integrated into the car's design, which means there's little maintenance required except for occasional cleanup of a nocturnal emission or heavy-flow menstrual cycle." Bates added that automated Fallopian tubes might be available as soon as 2014.
History Channel Aborts Kennedys Miniseries #~# The History Channel has decided not to air The Kennedys, an eight-part miniseries starring Greg Kinnear as John Kennedy and Katie Holmes as Jackie Kennedy, saying it was "not a fit for the History brand." What do you think?
The High Reis: What Was That Part At The End #~# Football has a lot of confusing rules.  I have been watching football for many years and I still don't understand them.
Shepard's Pie: Congratulations, Tigers! #~# A lot of people thought Auburn would win because of Cam Newton.  Instead, my analysis detected another factor — wanting it.
NHL Simply Not Going To Bother Reaching Out To Hispanics #~# NEW YORK—Though other professional sports leagues have made concerted efforts to attract new fans in the emerging demographic, the NHL is just not even going to try to reach out to Hispanics, league officials said Monday. "Truthfully, at this point it's not even worth it; I have enough on my plate right now just trying to get youth hockey leagues to accept half-price tickets to these games," Commissioner Gary Bettman said. "I'm not going to tell Hispanics or Latinos they can't come, but we have a lot more to worry about than looking up the Spanish word for 'Penguins' or painting the puck the colors of the Mexican flag for Cinco de Mayo." Bettman added that before the league even thinks about such outreach programs, it has to figure out why, despite its best efforts, North American white people still haven't embraced the sport.
Report: Majority Of Money Donated At Church Doesn't Make It To God #~# WASHINGTON—A shocking report released Monday by the Internal Revenue Service revealed that more than 65 percent of the money donated at churches across the world never reaches God. "Unfortunately, almost half of all collections go toward administrative expenses such as management, utilities, and clerical costs," said Virginia Raeburn, a spokesperson for the Lord Almighty, adding that another 25 percent of heavenly funding is needed just to cover payroll for the angelic hierarchy. "People always assume God is filthy rich, but they'd be surprised to learn His net worth is only around $8 million—and most of that is tied up in real estate." According to Raeburn, God currently has enough money saved to live comfortably throughout all eternity, but He may be forced to shutter a number of† under-performing religions.
White House Seeks Massive Military Cuts #~# The Pentagon has been ordered to slow its growth and ultimately reduce Army and Marine forces by nearly 6 percent. What do  you  think?
Josh Hartnett Returns To Pearl Harbor For First Time Since Film #~# PEARL HARBOR, HI—Still haunted by the horrific images seared into his memory, an emotional Josh Hartnett returned to the scene of Pearl Harbor Tuesday, choking back tears as he revisited the site of one of the worst atrocities in American history.
Conspicuous Boss #~# CBS
Florida Names Charlie Weis New Fat Offensive Coordinator #~# GAINSVILLE, FL—The University of Florida Gators confirmed Monday that former fat Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis will leave the NFL to become their fat offensive coordinator and fat quarterbacks coach. "Not only does he have fat coaching experience at a major college, but he earned four fat Super Bowl rings and really has a knack for running a complex offense while fat," Florida head coach Will Muschamp said at a press conference. "His fat coaching style really complements our new staff, which now includes medium-sized defensive coordinator Dan Quinn and tiny little offensive-line coach Frank Verducci." Muschamp added that he thinks the fat Weis will fit in perfectly with Florida's drug-addled football team of dipshit criminals.
Modern-Day Cowboy Rides 18-Wheeler Full Of Entenmann's Products Westward #~# SOLOMON, KS—Awakening to the lonely howl of a distant coyote early Tuesday morning, C.J. Hoppel climbs into his 18-wheeler and sets off westward across a barren stretch of unbroken prairie, the whipping wind his only companion as he pulls a rig full of Entenmann's baked goods and snack cakes across the plains.
Revamped WPA To Create 50,000 New Jobs By Disassembling, Reassembling Hoover Dam #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to boost the economy and promote job growth, representatives from the newly revived Works Progress Administration announced Thursday their plan to dismantle, piece by piece, the 3.25 million cubic yards of concrete forming the Hoover Dam, and then immediately rebuild it. “This is a vital initiative,” said WPA director Ted Doogan, who was appointed last week. “Systematically tearing down such a massive edifice will create at least 25,000 jobs over the next five years. And then reassembling it, using all the same pieces in the exact same configuration, will employ another 25,000 workers. America is back.” Other public works projects currently underway include the bulldozing of libraries, the burning of national forests, and the defacing of public murals, which will be followed by a massive plan to rebuild libraries, revive national forests, and repaint public murals.
Robert Gibbs Stepping Down #~# While House press secretary Robert Gibbs announced he would be leaving his position as White House press secretary to work as a political adviser. What do you think?
NFL Playoffs 2010 #~# As the playoffs begin, Onion Sports offers an analysis of each team's chances to win it all.
Seattle Coach Pete Carroll: Seahawks Only Need 3 Losses To Reach Super Bowl #~# RENTON, WA—Just a day after Seattle became the first team with a losing record to make the playoffs, a jubilant and confident head coach Pete Carroll announced that the Seahawks were only three losses away from reaching the Super Bowl.
Colts Tap Quarterback Peyton Manning To Start Playoff Game #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Indianapolis Colts head coach Jim Caldwell told reporters Thursday he has decided to start 13-year veteran and 11-time Pro Bowler Peyton Manning at quarterback for Saturday's wild-card matchup against the New York Jets. "After much deliberation, we believe that Peyton's four MVP awards and one Super Bowl ring give us the best chance to win," said Caldwell, adding that Manning being a first-ballot Hall of Famer "factored somewhat" into his final decision. "Curtis Painter is a promising young player, but at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself, 'Do I go with the guy who has 28 career pass attempts or with the fastest player in NFL history to reach 1,000 completions, 2,000 completions, 3,000 completions, and 4,000 completions?'" Caldwell concluded the press conference by stressing that it's "always week-to-week," but Manning would likely be the frontrunner to start a divisional matchup should he lead the team to victory Saturday.
Boy Vs. Cat #~# ANIMAL
The High Reis: Parking Garage Near Heat Arena Very Confusing #~# I decided to check out a Miami Heat game this week. I went with reporter's credentials so I could get in for free and then write about it for this blog. I don't remember who they were playing that night.
I'm Only Really Happy When I'm Writing, Or When I'm Having Lots Of Fun With My Friends And Family #~# I guess you could say I have always had a love affair with the written word. The simple, solitary act of contemplating the white expanse of the blank page, and then putting pen to paper and seeing where the words take me, is my one constant solace in an otherwise turbulent world. Yes, I must admit it: I am only truly happy when I'm writing.
FCC To Fine Americans Who Don't Keep Up With TV Shows #~# WASHINGTON—Announcing that it would no longer allow Americans to fall behind, the Federal Communications Commission introduced a plan Monday to levy steep fines on anyone failing to keep up with the nation’s TV shows. “Our economy lost more than $200 billion in productivity this year with people taking time out of their day to explain what happened last night on Mad Men,” FCC chairman Julius Genachowski said. “Staying abreast of popular culture is the responsibility of every citizen. Unless we’re talking about a show like Weeds, which, frankly, hasn’t been that good since season two.” The agency confirmed penalties would be reduced for citizens who agree to issue a minimum of three Facebook posts stating their intention to finally catch up on True Blood this weekend.
New 'Huckleberry Finn' Edited For Language #~# A new edition of the Mark Twain classic Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, forthcoming next month from NewSouth Books, will replace every use of the word "nigger" with the word "slave." What do you think?
Fully Validated Kanye West Retires To Quiet Farm In Iowa #~# 'I Got All The Approval I Needed,' Content Former Pop Star Says
Nuclear Bomb Detonates During Rehearsal For 'Spider-Man' Musical #~# NEW YORK—In yet another setback for the $65 million dollar Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark—a production plagued by multiple delays, poor early reviews, and severe injuries to its cast and crew—a thermonuclear device detonated during the first act of Tuesday night's preview performance. "The bomb should not have gone off at all," said lead producer Michael Cohl, adding that the explosion that vaporized most of Manhattan was "not that unusual" for a major Broadway show still in development. "Spider-Man is supposed to swing down to the stage and deactivate a nuclear bomb, but his wires got tangled up, and by the time he got there and remembered the disarm code, it was too late. We're going to hire two more stagehands to make sure this doesn't happen again." Despite the setback, Cohl told reporters that he is more optimistic than ever about the production, saying that director Julie Taymor and composers Bono and the Edge were disintegrated in the explosion.
DHS Teams Up With Wal-Mart #~# Last month, the Department of Homeland Security announced it was working with retailer Wal-Mart to help protect American towns. What policies is Wal-Mart instituting to make our communities safer?
Crisis Provokes Anger At God #~# According to a study published in the Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, two out of three people become angry with God following traumatic events, such as a cancer diagnosis. What do you think?
Shepard's Pie: The Seattle Seahawks Have Mothers Too #~# First of all: How dare all of us.
Tim Duncan Announces Shoe Deal With Florsheim #~# SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan held a press conference Monday to unveil the newest style in the Florsheim catalog, called simply "the Duncan." "We really tried to capture the classic styling of the Tilden, paired with the ease and comfort of the Denison—or the Lexington, if you're a wing-tip man," said Duncan, adding that because he helped design the shoe himself, he made certain it would appeal to a basketball player in his mid-30s seeking respectability and comfort, or a man in his mid-80s seeking the same. "We wanted to avoid the classic athlete cliché of going overly flashy with something like a bike toe or cap toe, so we kept it simple; kept it stylish. Those are the principles Milton Florsheim founded this company on in the first place." The press conference concluded with a private screening of Florsheim's new commercial, which features the All-Star center sitting in an empty Spurs locker room reading an e-book, at which point the camera pans to his shoes and the slogan "Style. Comfort. Duncan." appears.
Area Man Has No Idea How He Got On Hamas E-Mail List #~# ATLANTA—Twenty-two-year-old bank teller Paul Branocek told reporters Wednesday he is clueless as to why the militant Palestinian organization Hamas began sending e-mails to his personal account urging him to raise the banner of jihad and eradicate the state of Israel. "Oh, come on, another one?" said Branocek, explaining that he receives at least one call-to-arms against the Zionist menace a week and cannot request to be removed from the list because the e-mails contain no unsubscribe link or reply-to address. "I can't believe the spam filter doesn't catch these by now." Admitting that he may have "checked the wrong box or something" while making an online purchase, Branocek said it was more likely Facebook had sold his profile information to the group.
Sources: Harry Reid Sleeping With Mitch McConnell's Wife In 1986 At Core Of Senate Gridlock #~# WASHINGTON—In a stunning disclosure this week, congressional sources revealed that the acrimonious gridlock in the U.S. Senate traces its origins to a single November evening in 1986, when Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) engaged in sexual intercourse with Sen. Mitch McConnell's (R-KY) then-wife, Sherrill.
CSI: Miami #~# CBS
Who Was I, And Why Was I Important Again? #~# I was flipping through the channels the other day when I heard a CNN reporter say something along the lines of "Something, something, since John Sununu," and I thought, "Oh, yeah. John Sununu. Who was I again?"
Bradley Center Announcer Way More Into Miami Heat Than Bucks #~# MILWAUKEE—Barely mentioning the Milwaukee Bucks Monday night, the Bradley Center's public-address announcer continually showed blatant favoritism toward the Miami Heat, giving them an overblown introduction that included bombastically shouting each of the starters names, blasting music, and providing a choreographed light show. "He introduced us first even though we're the home team, and he kind of just mumbled the names of our starters," point guard Brandon Jennings said. "Then the lights went out, a laser light show started, and he told the crowd to 'please welcome their Miami Heat.' I wish the crowd wouldn't have cheered so loud, because that just encouraged him more." Though they were disappointed with their introduction, Bucks players were reportedly impressed with the confetti that fell from the ceiling after their 88-78 loss.
'But A Fox Wouldn't Eat Gingerbread,' That One Precocious Little Asshole Reports #~# HORSEHEADS, NY—According to that one little asshole who's too smart for his own good and always insists on sitting right up at the front of the class during story time, foxes "wouldn't eat gingerbread." "They would never find that in their habitat," the precocious shit said Friday, a week after he insisted Jack would suffocate from lack of oxygen if he were to climb a beanstalk that high into the atmosphere. "Foxes eat small rodents and birds. Gingerbread would make a fox sick." The fucking know-it-all later added that foxes are mainly nocturnal.
Arkansas Birds Fell From Sky #~# Investigators are collecting the bodies of blackbirds in the small Arkansas town of Beebe after thousands of the birds fell from the sky on New Year's Eve and New Year’s Day. What do you think?
Player Pathetically Convinces Self He'll Be Even Better After Surgery #~# NEW YORK—In an extremely depressing case of denial Monday, a professional athlete about to undergo season-ending knee surgery told reporters that following the complex, four-hour-long procedure, he could be even stronger and faster than he was prior to the injury. "The new ligament will actually be more durable than the last one since it won't have been through all the wear and tear," said the pathetic player, blatantly disregarding the fact that doctors would be harvesting other parts of his body in order to perform the surgery, thus weakening crucial muscles surrounding the knee and essentially making him a shell of his former self. "I bet I'll be able to move quicker than I did in college." According to sources, even more heartbreaking than the player's unrealistic statement has been the response from his fans, who not only ignored their gut instinct that the player's once-promising career was basically over, but actually began speculating how good their team would be when he finally returns.
House Democrats Forced To Move All Their Things Back Into Disgusting Minority Locker Room #~# WASHINGTON—Suffering their greatest indignity since losing their majority in the midterm elections, House Democrats were forced this week to move all their personal belongings back into the filthy and dilapidated minority locker room, disgusted representatives confirmed Monday. "This place sucks. We have to share lockers, and the latches on the bathroom stalls don't work so you have to hold the door shut," said Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH), adding that the House majority locker room has nice carpeting, leather furniture, places to hang their suits, and a Jacuzzi. "Plus, the floors are always wet, and it smells like piss. Who's pissing everywhere?" House Democrats also reported finding a dirty pair of Champion shorts belonging to Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) and a wall covered in graffiti reading "Fuck Americans!"
U.S. Homes Lost $1.7 Trillion #~# According to the website Zillow.com, the value of all American homes fell $1.7 trillion in 2010. What do you think?
Wait, Wait, Go Back, This Is That 'Cosby Show' Where The Huxtables Get Tired Of Theo Borrowing Money So They Give Him Fake Money And Make Him Pay For Food From The Kitchen Like At A Restaurant And He Has To Buy All His Bedroom Furniture Back #~# TV LAND
Virgin Mary Statue Crying For No Good Reason #~# WORCESTER, MA—Nearly a week after a statue of the Virgin Mary began shedding what appeared to be actual tears, worshippers at St. Alphonsus Catholic Church told reporters Wednesday they had lost patience with the figure's nonstop whining and carrying on.
Rick Reilly Columns Increasingly Laden With Cries For Help #~# BRISTOL, CT—For the past six months, the columns and essays written by ESPN's Rick Reilly, including "Why Michael Vick Deserves Redemption More Than I Do," "The Hot Stove And Why I Want To Put My Head In It," and "Caddying For The Grim Reaper," have become increasingly punctuated by anguished appeals for someone to save him from himself, ESPN readers have noted. "It will be here at Augusta, where so much golf history has taken place and where I'd like to walk slowly into a water hazard until the placid blue water closes over me, leaving no trace that I was ever born," Reilly wrote in his column last week, a piece titled "When It's Gone, It's Gone" which deals with Tiger Woods' slump and Reilly's apparent wish for self-destruction. "And if he's doomed, if he disappears forever, you have to wonder if anyone would notice. Next week, I take Roger Clemens bowling and try to choke back the bile." Sources at ESPN said they have considered speaking to Reilly about his obvious personal problems, but decided against it after realizing Reilly's columns are the most engaging they've been in years.
ExxonMobil CEO Really Hurt That College Student Is Talking About Him Right Now #~# IRVING, TX—According to sources within ExxonMobil's global headquarters, Rex W. Tillerson, the company's president, chairman, and CEO, was completely devastated Wednesday by what 18-year-old Skidmore College freshman Samantha Huestis was saying about him in her dorm room.
Swearing Batman #~# CARTOON
Confused Milwaukee Bucks Have No Idea What To Do After Rebounding Basketball #~# NEW YORK—Shrugging their shoulders and looking helplessly at each other, baffled players on the 22-35 Milwaukee Bucks had no idea what to do with the basketball Wednesday following a defensive rebound by center Andrew Bogut. "Um, so now what?" Bogut said, clutching the ball to prevent it from accidentally bouncing on the floor. "Man, this thing is really round. Should I be rolling it somewhere? Wow, coach is doing his angry jumping. Is he pointing at me? He is, but I definitely have shoes on this time. Oh, I think he's signaling me to waste another timeout." Despite the confusion, a majority of the Bucks agreed that Bogut should either slowly walk over to the referee and hand him the ball, or do what he did the last time, which was throw it as far and as high into the stands as possible.
Reid: Kill The Brothels #~# Suggesting Nevada's legal brothels make it difficult to attract businesses, Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) urged state lawmakers to consider outlawing prostitution. What do you think?
Anne Hathaway, James Franco Spend Every Moment Of Oscars Tearing Into Jesse Eisenberg #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Academy Awards hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway spent the entire three-hour broadcast Sunday absolutely ripping apart Social Network star Jesse Eisenberg with a barrage of clever one-liners, cutting jabs, and outright name-calling. "In the Best Actor category tonight, we have a king, a grizzled U.S. Marshal, and a big nerd who never gets laid being played by another big nerd who never gets laid," said Hathaway, introducing the award’'s presenter and adding that Eisenberg looked like he was "about ready to crap his pants." "Hey Jesse, your mom told us we need to wrap things up so we can get you home before bedtime, you little dork." Representatives from the American Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences have reportedly invited Franco and Hathaway back for next year's ceremony, saying they loved the bit where Franco inserted himself into scenes from all the Best Picture nominees and talked about how small Eisenberg's penis must be.
Christian Bale Given Neutered Male Statuette Named Oscar #~# LOS ANGELES—After being recognized for his outstanding work in the film The Fighter, actor Christian Bale was awarded a gold-plated statuette of a nude, sword-wielding man with no genitals named Oscar. “It’s such an honor,” said Bale, holding a 13.5 inch featureless eunuch. “Thank you. Thank you so much.” Many more of the faceless bald figurines of tiny little men were presented to various film technicians the night before.
Report: Majority Of ADD Cases Go Undiagnosed Until Child's First Public Failure #~# WASHINGTON—A new report by the Mayo Clinic revealed that most cases of Attention Deficit Disorder are not diagnosed until one or both parents are publicly humiliated by their child's behavior. "More often than not it takes something like a kid goofing off during a choir recital to act as a wake-up call for parents," said Dr. Emily Chao, who realized her own son had ADD when he forgot his lines and knocked over a piece of scenery during a school play. "While many children's symptoms may not be apparent at first, they become markedly more acute when viewed in a public forum such as a spelling bee." Doctors have also recently discovered a new syndrome that compels unemployed 30-year-olds to move back home even though their parents did a perfectly fine job raising them.
Haunted History #~# BIOGRAPHY
Member Of Book Group Just Loved This Book A Little Less Is All #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Speaking to members of her book club Wednesday, 38-year-old Lorraine Stern explained it's not that she didn't enjoy this month's selection, it's just that she didn’t love it quite as much as some of the other members in the group seemed to. "No, no, I liked it, I really did," Stern said after offering her opinion of Kathryn Stockett's The Help. "There were just a few parts I didn't…You know what? I was pretty tired when I was reading the last chapter. It probably went over my head." Stern later discovered the warm spinach dip she brought, usually a book club favorite, had gone untouched the entire evening.
Open-Minded Man Grimly Realizes How Much Life He's Wasted Listening To Bullshit #~# CLEVELAND—During an unexpected moment of clarity Tuesday, open-minded man Blake Richman was suddenly struck by the grim realization that he's squandered a significant portion of his life listening to everyone's bullshit, the 38-year-old told reporters.
CynGen Press Release #~# CynGen released this statement in response to public outcry over a screaming cob of genetically modified corn.
U-Say Responses To Tillis' Resignation #~# Our inbox has been flooded with emails of support for Tillis following his decision to step down.
Which 1920s cultural signifier to you most associate with anti-semitism? #~# Many 1920s cultural signifiers have roots in anti-semitism. Which do you associate most with early 20th Century prejudice toward Jews?
Should Illinois require safety guardrails be placed around all bathtubs in the state? #~# After several teens drowned in bathtub in Wilmette, the Illinois legislature is considering a bill that would require safety equipment like guardrails, graded gravel paths, and concrete barricades be placed around all bathtubs in the state. Is this a good idea?
The Cross Word: Build Your Own Justice Shed #~# Use this diagram to build your own Justice Shed and you’ll have a safe spot to keep ne'er-do-wells and suspicious-looking folk you wrangle up off the streets.
Upcoming SIURT Reports #~# Don't miss these upcoming reports by the Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team:
Genetically-Modified Food Activity Around The Nation #~# Produce-related anomalies seem to be on the rise in America. Some examples of unusual activity by genetically modified crops reported in the past 12 months:
How did Farmville players respond to internet outages? #~# After the cyber attack left millions without access to the internet, loyal Farmville players found themselves cut off from the game. If you play Farmville, how did you respond?
Which career should former drunk senator Dave Tillis pursue next? #~# Tillis brought his inspirational message to the halls of government. Now that he's stepped down, what should his next career move be?
Washington Watcher: Pentagon Warns Of Viral Video Cyber Attack #~# According to a Pentagon statement, a raid on the the home of al Qaeda operative Khalid al Shehri revealed a cache of tools which could have been used to conduct a second cyber attack: hundreds of kittens, many with little red bows tied around their necks, as well as several crates of teeny tiny Yoda costumes. The Pentagon stated they do not know at this time whether al Shehri's intent was to place the Star Wars costumes on babies or small dogs, but that either could have been devastatingly cute. Even more frightening, the raid also produced a detailed plan for kidnapping Justin Bieber. As a safety precaution, Pentagon officials immediately buried Bieber in a concrete casket six miles below the earth's surface.
Marauding Gay Hordes Drag Thousands Of Helpless Citizens From Marriages After Obama Drops Defense Of Marriage Act #~# WASHINGTON—Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this week, leaving the institution completely vulnerable to roving bands of homosexuals. "It was just awful—they smashed through our living room window, one of them said 'I've had my eye on you, Roger,' and then they dragged my husband off kicking and screaming," said Cleveland-area homemaker Rita Ellington, one of the latest victims whose defenseless marriage was overrun by the hordes of battle-ready gays that had been clambering at the gates of matrimony since the DOMA went into effect in 1996. "Oh dear God, why did they remove the protection provided by this vital piece of legislation? My children! What will I tell my children?" A video communique was sent to the media late yesterday from what appears to be the as-yet unidentified leader of the gay marauders, who, adorned in terrifying warpaint, announced "Richard Dickson of Ames, Iowa. We're coming for you next. Put on something nice."
The Daily LOL: Piglet Wearing Boots #~# Addendum as of 2:12pm: WARNING! DO NOT TRANSMIT THIS PHOTO. TRANSMISSION OF THIS PHOTO IS NOW A FEDERAL CRIME PUNISHABLE BY $20,000 FINE AND/OR UP TO 15 YEARS IN PRISON.
Netflix Switches Over To Convenient New Physical Locations #~# LOS GATOS, CA—Officials at Netflix announced Thursday that the company has finally reached its long-term goal of constructing a chain of easily accessible stores. "Having actual physical locations was always our ultimate intent, and we are proud to provide our customers with the convenient option of driving to a nearby Netflix store and renting any available movie for just $3.99 per title," said Netflix spokesman Henry Regis, adding that the ease of physically walking through aisles and picking out DVDs will more than make up for the stores' minimized selection of titles. "We will also be implementing late fees to help ensure films are returned on time—that way no one misses a chance to rent the hottest new releases." Regis confirmed that the new physical locations will be open from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. and include easy after-hours drop-off boxes.
Justice Department Won't Defend DOMA #~# In a move that surprised observers, the Obama administration announced Wednesday that the Department of Justice would no longer uphold the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act. What do you think?
Calgary Flames Trying To Keep Fact That They're A Hockey Team From Landlord #~# CALGARY—While the Flames stand at a modest 31-23-8 and are in 8th place in the Western Conference, team sources revealed this week that the team's main struggle this season has been tricking their landlord, Mr. Bennigan, into thinking they are not a professional hockey team and that no hockey is being played on the Scotiabank Saddledome premises.
Excited Virginia Fans Storm Court To Beat Shit Out Of Duke Basketball Team #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In a stunning and brutal display of support last Wednesday, frantic Virginia fans rushed the court at John Paul Jones Arena, swarmed the Duke men's basketball team, and pounded the ever-living shit out them. "This is so amazing. I never thought this day would come, but I'm on top of the world," said University of Virginia senior Chris Davis as he repeatedly smashed Duke forward Kyle Singler's face into the wood floor and pumped a blood-soaked fist in the air. "Nobody thought we could beat them like this, but we proved everyone wrong! Go Hoos Go!" According to security officials, Virginia coach Tony Bennett cut down the arena's basketball nets and then proceeded to shove them down Mike Krzyzewski's throat.
Notable Trade Deadline Deals #~# Carmelo Anthony just became a New York Knick mere days before the NBA trade deadline, an event that joins these other blockbuster under-the-wire deals.
I Didn't Know Everyone Was Pregnant #~# TLC
Final Week Of "Dumb In America" Looks At Future Of Idiots #~#  In "Half-Wits Ascendant: Towards A Dumber Tomorrow," Host John Harris is embedded with The Brotherhood of the Talon, a group of anti-government revolutionaries deep in the Ozarks, where he uncovers a little-known fact: several of the nation's Founding Founders were actually dumb. Will America finally come to terms with its dumb heritage? Don't miss this final episode of this important series, or the Onion News Netword's follow-up series "Dumb In America 2: State of Dumbergency," coming in 2012.
Governor Walker Should Be Flogged For His Inability To Control His Underlings #~# By any civilized measure, this should be a golden age for America. My editors inform me that the gap between rich and poor is the greatest in history, which is a comfort, as I wish the coal-smudged wretches as far from me as possible. So, too, are we in a vast recession, meaning I am allowed to appear fiscally pious and unusually virtuous as I refuse to share even a parcel of my staggering wealth with the less enriched. Best of all, the lack of spare spending-pennies among the general population has put every-one in such a foul demeanor that the good people of Georgia may soon pass a law decreeing that any woman over 13 who is not pregnant must be put to death, and about time, I say. Truly, it is a good time to sell news-papers, as people do lap up the repeated failures of their society like a dog its vomit.
Who's Ready For Some Oscars! #~# Item! Well, it's that time of year again! Once again, Americans will unplug their phones, plop down in front of their TVs, and watch the greatest human drama on Earth unfold live in front of them! I can only be talking about one thing: Egypt! Just kidding. No, I mean the 83rd Annual Academy Awards!
Utah Group Moves To Recall Wisconsin Senators #~# A Utah-based group called American Recall Coalition has filed paperwork to recall eight Wisconsin state senators. What do you think?
Man Who Temporarily Disables Facebook Account Deems Self 'Off The Grid' #~# ATLANTA—After deciding to disable his Facebook account in an effort to increase productivity, Chad Allen announced in a Facebook update Thursday that he was now "off the grid." "I'm dropping off the radar for a while," wrote Allen, 36, who lives in a two-story house with running water, electricity, regular garbage pickup, wireless Internet access, and high-definition satellite television service. "If you need something, text me." Allen has not been heard from since earlier this afternoon, when he confirmed via Twitter that he was "maintaining radio silence" and then checked in to his local coffee shop on Foursquare.
Study: 87 Percent Of Movies Would Be Better With Michael Keaton In Them #~# LOS ANGELES—According to a comprehensive study released this week by researchers at UCLA, 87 percent of feature-length motion pictures would be significantly improved by the addition of 59-year-old film and television actor Michael Keaton.
Saudi Arabian King To Populace: 'Don't Even Think About It' #~# RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In a televised speech addressing the pro-democracy protests currently sweeping across the Middle East, King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia reiterated that the people of his country should not even think about it. "Get it out of your heads right now," the king said in a firm, unwavering tone of voice while staring directly into the camera. "I'm serious. Whatever you are thinking about doing, it’s not gonna end up good for you. Trust me." The king then widened his eyes, paused, and added, "No."
Jack Nicklaus: Portrait Of A Still-Living Golf Legend #~# (The OSN copywriters did a great job putting together a terrific memorial post when it looked like the sporting world had lost Jack Nicklaus, it would be a shame not to use it.)
States Turning Down Federal Money #~# Last week, the State of Wisconsin turned down $23 million in federal funding for rural broadband, and Florida turned down $2 billion for a high-speed rail line between Tampa and Orlando. 
Libyan Pilots Seek Asylum #~# After refusing to bomb a crowd of protesters, two Libyan air force pilots landed their jets in Malta and are now seeking political asylum. What do you think?
Trail Blazers Down To One Working Knee #~# PORTLAND, OR—According to sources close to the injury-plagued Portland Trail Blazers, after a series of knee injuries to center Marcus Camby and All-Star guard Brandon Roy, the team is now officially down to one good knee. "Normally our strategy is to rest the knee so it can be ready for critical fourth-quarter situations, but right now we're letting LaMarcus Aldridge use it so he can be effective under the basket," head coach Nate McMillan told reporters, adding that he hopes the Blazers will continue their current winning streak so the knee can be saved for the playoffs. "Of course, Brandon will need the knee when he comes back, but to be honest, I'm worried that he'll just blow it out." McMillan added that he has a ton of working ACLs, MCLs, and a couple of good bursa sacs, but without multiple working knees, they're basically useless.
Revolutionary New Homophobia Immersion Therapy Involves Lowering Patient Into Tank Of Gays #~# BOSTON—During a widely publicized press conference at the Boston University School of Medicine Friday, researchers announced a breakthrough new technique that cures homophobia by immersing patients in a large glass tank overflowing with gays. "Rather than avoid one's fear of homosexual men, we believe it's crucial to face it head on," behavioral psychologist Dr. Dolph Kleineman told reporters, explaining how homophobic subjects are hooked up to a harness and lowered into a room containing bare-chested men dancing suggestively to the latest club hits, kissing, and feeding one another strawberries. "So far the treatment has been successful, with early test subjects being able to go out into the real world and see a gay couple hold hands without making a bigoted remark." When asked if there was a risk of subjects getting stuck in the tank of writhing men, Kleineman said the gays would be so oiled up that patients would have no trouble slipping in and out.
NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find, Kill God #~# WASHINGTON—After more than five decades of tireless work, brave exploration, and technological innovation aimed at a single objective, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced Wednesday that it had finally completed its mission to find and kill God.
Top Gear USA #~# HISTORY
Man's Masculinity Continues Losing Streak Against Tough Batting Cage #~# Doug Townsend suffered defeat at the hands of the Slinko Games batting cage on Tuesday, making contact only four times and solid contact just once. This was just the latest in a series of setbacks for Townsend's feelings of manhood and self-worth:
Rays Expect Increase In Attendance After Filling City With Hissing Snakes #~# In the SportsDome, we told you about Tampa Bay's plan to fill Tropicana Field by unleashing thousands of snakes in the streets of Tampa and St. Petersburg, making the home of the Rays the only snake-free zone in the area.  Rays General Manager Andrew Friedman expected the move to pay big dividends, saying, "nothing will get the people of Tampa in the mood for baseball like stepping out of bed in the morning, directly into a pile of writhing snakes."
The Prospects You Need To Know At The NFL Owner's Combine #~# This week in Indianapolis, the top NFL owning prospects in the country are gathering to prove that they have the raw skills it takes to be an NFL owner.  The combine is the most important showcase for rich white businessmen will hundreds of millions of dollars on hand to prove they have what it takes to dominate an NFL franchise from the owner's box.  Here are some of the under-the-radar magnates who have emerged as legitimate owning prospects during the combine.
NASCAR Prostitutes And Other Lascivious Motor Crimes #~# Up-and-coming stock car racer Taft Myers has become embroiled in scandal, with a mountain of evidence that Myers pulled over during the Daytona 500 and picked up a prostitute on the legendary track's infield.  While Myers claims he is innocent of all charges, his indiscretion has already earned him a spot among the crudest mid-race acts in racing history.
Official Deposition From Prostitute Found In NASCAR Vehicle #~# Read the official deposition from Sauna, the prostitute found inside NASCAR driver Taft Myers' car.  Complete coverage of this scandal, tonight at 8/7c on Comedy Central.
DEVELOPING: Driver Caught With Prostitute In Car During Daytona 500 #~# During Sunday's Daytona 500, NASCAR driver Taft Myers was caught with a prostitute in his car.  Full coverage of this scandal tonight on SportsDome at a new time, 8/7c on Comedy Central.  Here are more details as they come in:
How Should NASCAR Drivers That Pick Up Prostitutes Mid-Race Be Disciplined? #~# Full coverage of the NASCAR prostitute scandal tonight at 8/7c on Comedy Central.
Tonight In The Dome: Coverage Of The 2011 Owners Combine, Gary Payton Returns, And A NASCAR Driver Caught Racing With A Prostitute In His Car #~# Major League Baseball is headed to Florida and Arizona for spring training, and the SportsDome is serving up an Early Bird Special at its NEW TIME of 8/7c.  Alex Reiser and Mark Shepard are grilling up some analysis and restocking the salad bar with fresh-picked sports.  Get in line and grab a chilled plate, because this Dome is All You Can Eat.
The High Reis: I Am Glad They Told Me The Show Is Moving To 8:00 This Time #~# Today they told me that SportsDome is going to be on at 8:00 PM from now on instead of 10:30 PM.  I was glad they told me.  In the past when they changed the time for the show they didn't always tell me in time.  The last time they moved me on SportsDome I showed up either seven hours early or seventeen hours late, or both.  I am thankful that they told me today because I have advanced warning, but not so much that I'll eventually forget.
Shane Victorino's Parents Bracing For Annual Spring Training Drop-Off Tantrum #~# WAILUKU, HI—Michael and Joycelyn Victorino told reporters Friday that they are preparing to deal with their tantrum-prone 30-year-old son, Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino, who they said will undoubtedly throw another hissy fit before being dragged out of the car and dropped off at spring training. "It's just a matter of time. Once he sees us packing his clothes and his baseball equpiment, his face gets all red and he starts shaking," said mother Joycelyn, adding that they tried to get Victorino's grandfather to take him to Clearwater, FL, but he was unavailable. "He's going to cry and kick and scream the whole ride there. 'Don't make me go! None of the other players like me!' All that crap. Frankly, I'm just happy to have him out of my hair for a few weeks." Victorino's parents said they hope they don't have a repeat of last year, when Phillies manager Charlie Manuel had to call them back to the spring training facility to pick up their bawling son.
U.N. Weapons Inspectors Thoroughly Unimpressed With Yemeni Weapons #~# SANAA, YEMEN—U.N. inspectors assigned to evaluate the threat level of weapon caches throughout Yemen reported Sunday that they were "underwhelmed" and, "to be honest, a little embarrassed" for the Yemeni army after observing firsthand the low quality, poor condition, and overall shoddiness of the country's military arsenal. "I turned to [fellow weapons inspector Dr.] Will [Schlesinger] and was like, 'Are these guys having a yard sale or something? What the hell is this junk?'" U.N. field technician Dr. Karl Ludviggssen said. "We visited 17 sites, and the most threatening things we saw were eight Soviet-era surface-to…well, frankly, surface-to-probably-nothing missiles. What a waste of time." The U.N. Security Council said the uselessness of the inspection was eclipsed only by that undertaken in Iraq in late 2003.
Thousands Injured By Cribs Annually #~# A report in the journal Pediatrics found that nearly 10,000 babies and infants are admitted to emergency rooms each year with injuries sustained in or by crawling out of cribs. What do you think?
Shepard's Pie: The Dome Is Moving To 8, Which Is A Lucky Number In China #~# I'm not going to sugarcoat it: moving the SportsDome to eight o'clock is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
Bet I Can Lift That #~# FOX
Even Michael Vick A Little Uneasy About How Easily People Have Forgiven Him #~# HAMPTON, VIRGINIA—During a press conference Wednesday, Michael Vick admitted that he was both surprised and somewhat disturbed at how quickly and easily the NFL and its fans have forgiven him for running an illegal dogfighting ring. "I have to say that, while being a crowd favorite again has made my life substantially easier, I guess I'm a little weirded out by how little it took for people to fully embrace me, considering what I did to those dogs," said Vick, who also wondered aloud what it says about American society that he is once again a beloved sports figure. "To be honest, I haven't really forgiven myself for what I've done. Does everyone remember what I did to those dogs? The electrocution? The drowning? The pits of dog carcasses? I guess we all deserve second chances, but all I did was play some good football." Vick added that his 2010 Comeback Player of the Year award amounted to "some sort of insane joke."
Same Americans Who Made Taylor Swift Popular Polled On Constitutionality Of Health Care Reform #~# WASHINGTON—Americans, a group of people directly responsible for the popularity of country-pop singer Taylor Swift, were asked by an independent research group Wednesday to share their thoughts on the constitutional implications of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. "They can't force me to get insurance," survey taker Carrie Hunstley, a woman who will purchase almost any magazine with an image of Swift on the cover and is intimately aware of the fact that the musician briefly dated Jake Gyllenhaal last year, said of the massive federal statute. "We need to protect the Constitution." The survey also asked U.S. citizens, 1 in 15 of whom tuned in to watch the episode of CSI during which Taylor Swift made her primetime TV acting debut, for their perspectives on the nation's fiscal policy.
TSA Screeners Steal $160K #~# A pair of TSA screeners were caught stealing $39,000 from a passenger's bag and have since admitted to thefts totaling at least $160,000. What do you think?
Embarrassed Republicans Admit They've Been Thinking Of Eisenhower Whole Time They've Been Praising Reagan #~# WASHINGTON—At a press conference Monday, visibly embarrassed leaders of the Republican National Committee acknowledged that their nonstop, effusive praise of Ronald Reagan has been wholly unintentional, admitting they somehow managed to confuse him with Dwight D. Eisenhower for years.
Keep The Beat #~# FOX
Tim Duncan Urges All-Stars To Use Inside Voice During Game #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying he understands how excited everyone can get during an All-Star game, Spurs center Tim Duncan made it clear Saturday that since the game is held inside the Staples Center, he expects members of both teams to put their outside voices away and watch their volume for the big night. "Guys, seriously, if you don't know what an inside voice is, then just whisper and you should be fine," Duncan told his teammates during warm-ups, explaining that they were "well above a seven" and needed to bring it down to "about a three." "It's not like we're 10,000 feet apart from one another. I'm standing right here. I can hear you just fine." At press time, Duncan was seen hushing a fan in the mezzanine level who had been shouting, "Go Kobe!"
Area Dad Just Wants Computer With The Basics #~# EDISON, NJ—Wary of paying too much for a new computer loaded with unnecessary bells and whistles, area dad Paul Moyers, 52, announced Friday that he just wants a regular, no-frills PC with only the basics.
Military Releases Drone's Suicide Note #~# In a shocking turn of events, embattled military drone plane TR425 destroyed itself.  Military officials released the following suicide note written by the airplane.
Which family should Neil Armstrong choose? #~# Now that Neil Armstrong's secret is out, should he stay with his lunar family or his terran family?
DHS Issues National Alert: Hold Breath Now #~# The Department of Homeland Security has issued an urgent message requesting all United States citizens hold their breath for the next two minutes.  Citizens must comply immediately or risk inh
Should border broadcasts inform immigrants they may be subjected to inhumane working conditions? #~# Based on the success of the new Miranda Rights program, speakers along the border will now warn illegal immigrants that they may be subjected to inhumane working conditions should they enter the United States. Is this a step forward for immigrant rights in this nation?
How To Talk To Your Teens About Cody #~# Health Authorities From Pennington, IL have released this list of tips for parents of children who may come in contact with handsome Pennington High student Cody.
Healthy Living Tips For Shawnas #~# This blog is reprinted with permission from the Department of Health and Human Services
The Daily Bump: The Buzz On Howie Mandel's Oscars #~# So long, Anne and James!  In a surprise move, funnyman Howie Mandel was tapped to be the new host the 83rd Academy Awards, according to sources inside Mandel's imagination.  What can we expect from the telecast now that Howie is daydreaming he's at the helm?  Our Star Fix mind-reporters give us a sneak peek of what we can expect Sunday night.
New Arkansas Border #~# This artist's rendering depicts how the Arkansas state border will be affected by passage of the 2011 Fairness Through Casinos Act.
Openly Drunk Senator Tillis' Campaign Promises #~# Senator Dave Tillis rode a wave of popular support last November to become the first openly drunk senator in U.S. history. More recently, Senator Tillis has seen his poll numbers sink as the public expresses frustration with broken, so-called drunken campaign promises. Below is a list of such promises pulled from Senator Tillis' speeches:
Ron Statsky's Services #~# This week the troubled Democratic party entered therapy with Political Party Counselor Ron Statsky.  Below is a description of the services he offers as listed in his promotional material:
Courtroom Drawings Of Military Drone TR425 #~# Drawings of the military drone plane TR425 as he appeared in court today.
Did Joe Biden go too far by calling Britney Spears a bad mother on 'The View?' #~# Joe Biden is already making waves on The View, this morning saying that Britney Spears should concentrate more on parenting and less on her career. Did Biden go too far?
Should Obama tell the American people how often he beats his dog? #~# Full coverage of the Obama dog controversy, tonight at 10/9c on IFC TV.
Suspension Of Disbelief Goes Unrewarded #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—Summoned in an effort to enjoy a two-hour feature film, 33-year-old Geoffrey Spalding's willing suspension of disbelief reportedly went unrewarded Saturday. "It wasn't easy, but I held up my end of the deal," Spalding said of the mental effort he put forth to accept the invented premises of a fictional world and temporarily disregard their implausibility. "What do I get in return? A thoughtful exploration of our inward nature transferred to an imaginative context? A semblance of truth confronted through a skillful narrative process? Nope, I don't get shit." Spalding added that if he could be enraptured by a rat who aspires to be a chef and a man who ages backward, then being entertained by a young ballet dancer discovering her dark side should have been a breeze.
Chicago Population Falling #~# Urban flight over the past 10 years has left Chicago with its lowest population since the 1920 census. What do you think?
Terrified Ray Allen Discovers Celtics Lab Containing Thousands Of Test-Tube 'Big Babies' #~# BOSTON—Celtics shooting guard Ray Allen told reporters he made a terrifying discovery Wednesday, stumbling across a genetic research laboratory located deep beneath the TD Banknorth Garden and filled with thousands of test-tube "Big Baby" Glen Davises.
Contador Cleared Of Doping By International Cycling Federation's Doping-Clearing Board #~# MADRID—The ICF's Doping-Clearing Board has investigated and cleared 2010 Tour de France winner Alberto Contador of all doping charges, allowing the three-time Tour champion to return to competition immediately, officials announced Monday. "We have concluded a full, in-depth investigation into Contador's case and summarily cleared him," said Doping-Clearing Board president Fernando Uruburu, who has previously been tasked with the investigations of Alessandro Petacchi, Lance Armstrong, and, on an earlier occasion in 2007, Contador—all of whom were cleared. "Of course, Contador's case is subject to review by the World Doping-Clearing Agency as well as the Spanish Doping-Clearing Council, but we fully expect them to clear him as well." The Doping-Clearing Board is still refusing to review the doping case of disgraced 2006 Tour winner Floyd Landis, who they claim is "a twerp."
Remembering Earnhardt #~# It's been 10 years since racing lost Dale Earnhardt, a man synonymous with NASCAR's rise to popularity in the 1990s. We look at his life and legacy.
Love Is...With Donnie Iris #~# OXYGEN
"Dumb In America" Fourth Episode Shines Light On Dumb Blacks #~# Harris goes deep inside the dumb black experience to ask, "In a country where African-Americans make up an inordinate amount of the prison population, does being dumb really matter one way or the other? They're probably going to get you anyway, right?" Don't miss "Episode Four: Dumb & Black: Two Strikes And You're Out."
GOP Asks "Does Obama Love Bo?" #~# The GOP is contending Obama doesn't actually love his Portuguese Water Dog, Bo. Their claims include:
An Excerpt From 'Refusal To Play': An In Depth Look Into Obama's Distant Relationship With His Dog #~# An exclusive excerpt from investigative journalist B.T. Forbes' best-selling exposé, "Refusal To Play," that examines President Obama's troubling and distant relationship with his dog, Bo.
New Constitution Of The United States Ratified #~# A new Constitution of the United States was ratified today, less than a week after the nation discovered the previous Constitution had expired.
And To Think, No One Believed A Website That Puts People In Dangerous Physical And Sexual Situations Could Succeed #~# I remember the '90s like they were yesterday. Websites such as Amazon and eBay were well on their way to transforming commerce as we know it, and even flash-in-the-pan startups were making their founders into overnight millionaires. But while the money piled up for other people, I quietly nurtured a vision of my own: Craigslist, a revolutionary online classifieds site that allows people who wish to buy or sell goods and services online to be raped or murdered by total strangers.
Man Cruises By William H. Macy's Website To Check Out The Latest News #~# BAYONNE, NJ—Not wanting to miss out on the latest William H. Macy news, local resident Andy Dorman popped by the actor's official website Wednesday to check it out and update himself on everything Macy. "I was already surfing the web, so I figured why not zip on over to WilliamHMacy.net and see what he's got cooking," a satisfied Dorman said of the visit, during which he pored over Macy's filmography page and signed the actor's guest book. "Did you know he was born in Miami but grew up in Georgia and Maryland? He's apparently pretty involved in charities, too." While admitting he was disappointed that the videos page was still under construction, Dorman said he was looking forward to e-mailing Macy as soon as he thinks of a good question to ask him.
Billy Ray Cyrus: 'Hannah Montana' Ruined Family #~# In an interview with GQ, singer Billy Ray Cyrus said that his daughter Miley's show Hannah Montana ruined their relationship. What do you think?
Anthropologists Trace Human Origins Back To One Large Goat #~# 'Wait, That Can't Be Right,' Scientists Say
FactZone's Five Most Popular Stories #~# On this, the week of FactZone's fifth birthday, we look back on some of our most popular stories to date:
Are The Republican Battles Becoming Too Public? #~# In the latest instance of discord within the Republican party, former senator Rick Santorum publicly rebuked GOP star Sarah Palin's decision not to attend the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, implying that she was more concerned with money than governing. Here is further evidence of a party in turmoil:
My Behavior Tuesday Night Has Forced Me To Confront The Fact That I Have A Problem With Energy Drinks #~# All of us who have the privilege of working in the Dome deal with the stress in different ways, some more destructive than others — exercise, drugs, fast cars.  Alex collects dirty playing cards and Wellsy locks herself in her dressing room and refuses to answer the door for me, even when I just want to chat and I bring her food from the cafeteria.
LeBron James: 'Not To Rub It In, But Do You Sort Of See Why I Left The Cavaliers Now?' #~# MIAMI—Following the Cleveland Cavaliers' Wednesday night loss to the fourth-place Detroit Pistons, LeBron James attempted to point out as gently as possible why leaving the 8-45 basketball team was probably the best decision he could have made. "So, you guys kind of get why I did that now?" James asked reporters, holding up a newspaper showing the Eastern Conference standings and coughing. "I mean, you know, they've lost 26 games in a row. That's a lot of games. I'm good, but I fully admit I can't lead a team like that to the title. Sure, I could have gone about leaving in a much better fashion, but come on, right?" James added that he meant no offense by his comments and that he was "just saying."
"Late Inning Drama" Episode Guide #~# Episode 1: Odd Manager Out
'New York Times' Moves All Content You Won't Give A Shit About Unless You Make At Least $200K A Year Into One Convenient Section #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to highlight content of interest to the subscribers it values most, The New York Times announced Monday it would move all articles you could not possibly give a shit about unless you make more than $200,000 into one handy section. "From now on, people looking for helpful hints on renovating a $4 million Manhattan townhouse won't have to waste time sifting through articles on the crisis of public education," Times executive editor Bill Keller said of the new section, which will be printed in smudge-proof ink so it doesn't soil the soft, pink hands of its readers. "They can flip straight to TimesElite for the latest on society weddings, Tuscan getaways, and the rising cost of boat winterization." Keller added that if the experiment proved successful, the Times might create a similar section for moms in Brooklyn.
Clothing Prices Expected To Rise 10% #~# Retail clothing prices, which have dropped over the past decade, may soon spike by 10 percent percent as the cost of cotton reaches record highs. What do you think?
Perfect Soup Weather Coming #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Monday that Americans should begin preparing for perfect soup weather, which will hit many parts of the country as early as midweek.
The Next Great P.A. #~# BRAVO
Rocky Top's Owners Say Goodbye To Their Dead Horse's Semen #~# Tonight in the SportsDome, you saw the life of racehorse Rocky Top tragically cut short before his sperm could be sold to sire dozens more horses at premium prices.  The loss of the horse's fertility touched no one more than his owners George and Marsha Fielding, who lost not only a horse, but a substantial amount of money.
Eli Manning: The Grand Fool Of French Cinema #~# No quarterback's career has alternated more rapidly between stellar, stinking and stupid than New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning. Here we take a look at his more vaunted works, that are having him hailed in France as "the impossible man and the impossible buffoon."
Fifth Grader Fails To Avoid Embarrassment With Windbreaker Mixup #~# Ten-year-old Jeff Lilley put up a good fight, but was ultimately unable to keep the fact that he wasn't wearing a regular shirt underneath his windbreaker from his classmates.  Check out his stats on the day:
All Rise For The OSN Anthem: "For The Love Of Sport Eternal" #~# All the great countries in the world have anthems. Since the Onion Sports Network is greater than all the countries in the world, it is only fitting that we should have our own anthem more glorious and majestic than any other anthem out there.
Which offseason move will help the Raiders most in 2011? #~# Hiring three coaches is just one of the Raiders offseason shakeups.  What move do you think will have the biggest impact in the 2011 season?
Tonight In The Dome: Raiders Hire Their Next Three Coaches, The NBA Kidnapping Deadline And Vets Rush To Save A Dying Horse's Sperm #~# Sports news is breaking fast and breaking hard in the Onion SportsDome.  Champion thoroughbred Rocky Top broke his leg running the Stapleton Derby, and vets have rushed to the horse's side in an attempt to masturbate him before he dies, so his valuable sperm can still be sold to other breeders and he will not be a total loss to the horse's owners.
Dunk Contest No Longer A Big Deal Now That 85 Percent Of Populace Can Dunk #~# LOS ANGELES—The NBA's annual Slam Dunk Contest, which rose to prominence with the high-flying talents of players like Michael Jordan, Dominique Wilkins, and Spud Webb, has failed to garner much interest this year due to the fact that an overwhelming majority of the U.S. population has the ability to dunk, sources confirmed Monday. "Yeah, I'm not gonna watch that, because me and the guys I work with could pretty much have our own dunk contest if we wanted to," said 43-year-old postal employee Frank Palmer, who then did four 360-degree dunks and several Jordanesque kiss-the-rim slams on an NBA regulation-height basketball hoop. "My dad and I still dunk the ball around every now and then." League sources confirmed that within the next 75 years every NBA player and U.S. citizen will be able to play defense.
Police Find Adorable Little Skeleton #~# MIDLAND, MI—While exercising a search warrant at a Morgan Road residence Tuesday, officers from the Midland Police Department reported finding an "absolutely adorable" set of skeletonized human remains. "When we pulled that plastic shopping bag from underneath the shed, we had no idea what a cute little surprise was in store for us," said Deputy Jim Olszanski, who noted this was the fourth and by far the tiniest of the miniature skeletons police had recovered from the property over the past week. "Looking into those big eye sockets in its itty-bitty skull or at those teensy hand and feet bones—it melts your heart." Police at the scene said they hoped eventually to find another small skeleton whose spine hadn't been pulverized from apparent blunt-force trauma.
Justice Thomas Marks 5 Years Of Court Silence #~# Next week will mark the fifth anniversary of the last time Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke aloud while hearing a case. What do you think? 
Onion News Network on IFC Recap -- Feb. 11, 2011 #~# Every Friday on IFC at 10/9c, Onion News Network brings you News Without Mercy, hurling 80 facts per minute in a full-frontal news assault. Here are last week's top stories:
FactZone's Five Most Touching Moments #~# On FactZone's fifth anniversary, we look back at a few of the shows most touching moments:
The Talk #~# CBS
'And Now For A Thrilling Tennis Season,' Nobody In Nation Says #~# NOWHERE—With Super Bowl XLV concluding the 2010 football season and with several months to go before the 2011 baseball season, absolutely nobody in the country confirmed Sunday that they were looking forward to watching tennis. "I've already requested my days off for the U.S. Open," said not one single person in the entire United States of America. "Seems like this might be the year [Novak] Djokovic finally climbs out of [Rafael] Nadal and [Roger] Federer's shadows," added an American who does not and never will exist. Although even the faintest thought of the 2011 tennis season occurred to no one whatsoever, 95 percent of the country has reportedly been wondering what Michael Chang is up to.
Report: Antismoking Group Has Never Even Tried Cigarettes #~# WINSTON-SALEM, NC—A controversial report released Monday by the tobacco advocacy group Smoking Now blasted the antismoking group Truth.org for never even once taking a drag off a rich, flavorful brand-name cigarette before forming its negative opinions. "This is America," pro-smoking activist Amber Joyce said. "What ever happened to not knocking it before you try it? Give it at least a pack, then come back and tell us that it's no fun." The report concluded that if the members of Truth .org just bummed a couple while they were drunk, they would see how smooth and cool cigarettes, and they themselves, could be.
Strokes On Rise In Young And Middle-Aged #~# Since 1995, the number of strokes among Americans age 15 to 34 has risen 51 percent for men and 17 percent for women. What do you think?
Nation Somehow Shocked By Human Nature Again #~# 'How Could Someone Do Such A Thing?' Populace Wonders Of Event That Has Transpired Literally Millions Of Times
The Daily Bump: America Has Gorgalon Fever #~# It seems like you can't pick up a magazine this week without seeing Zorla Gorgalon and her 352 precious newborns. Why are celebrity-watchers so obsessed with Zorla? It seems there’s a lot of good reasons.
Portrait Of A Hero #~# Yesterday, America was introduced to Trevor Wilson, the brave young man from Granton, Kansas who heroically gunned down a potential school shooter before the shooter could even obtain a gun. But to those who know him, Trevor's act of heroism was no surprise; The handsome football star and prom king has been serving as a role model for Granton's youth for years.
Aaron Rodgers To Spend Offseason Being Compared To Things #~# GREEN BAY, WI—NFL experts said Friday that Aaron Rodgers, who since winning the Super Bowl has been likened to his predecessor Brett Favre and 49ers great Steve Young, will spend the rest of the offseason being compared to everything from other football players to inanimate objects and abstract concepts. "His accuracy reminds some of Peyton Manning, his easygoing masculinity is reminiscent of Steve McQueen, and his reliability and durability make you think of the Honda Civic family sedan," Peter King wrote in the Feb. 14 issue of Sports Illustrated, which also featured articles comparing Rodgers to Derek Jeter, Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater mansion, the blue-eyed soul music of the 1960s, Barbaro, and Microsoft. "Of course, it's too early in his career to compare him to Jordan in terms of either the basketball player or the Middle Eastern nation." Rodgers has not commented on any of the early comparisons, although he consented to an interview for an upcoming ESPN piece that will compare him to Super Bowl–winning Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers.
Vending Machine Attendant Admits B3 Selection Has Changed A Lot Over The Years #~# STAMFORD, CT—On his weekly trip to restock the vending machine at the Stamford Office Park cafeteria Friday, 56-year-old attendant Bob Ingersoll reminisced about how much the B3 slot selection has changed in the 20 years since he began servicing the popular snack dispenser.
Who should write the next Constitution? #~# Now that the Constitution has expired, the nation is in need of a new one. Who should be tasked with writing it?
Is toping the gateway drug to teens building hydrogen fusion bombs? #~# An alarming number of teens are experimenting with enriching uranium, an activity some say is just harmless fun. But could this lead to largescale nuclear projects?
FactZone's Five Most-Memorable Interviews #~# On the fifth anniversary of FactZone, we look back at our favorite interviews:
Warning Signs Your Teen May Be Enriching Uranium #~# This week, the Onion News Network investigates a dangerous new trend sweeping across high school campuses nationwide: "Isotoping." If you are a parent, look for these warning signs your teen has been enriching uranium:
How has 'FactZone' improved over their five years on the air? #~# After five years of FactZone, does it seem like the show has increased the amount of truth in its broadcasts or increased the amount of facts?
Grace North Answers Your Questions #~# Grace North, wife of Congressman Ronald North guest blogs today, answering your questions about how to move on in the face of personal adversity.
Should someone try to talk to the woman who is crying on a train platform in San Francisco? #~# A woman is sobbing loudly on a train platform in San Francisco. Should someone go see if she needs some help or something?
The Tuckscreen: A Time For Remembrance #~# This week, as we reflect on the first five incredible years of FactZone I find myself thinking back to my introduction to the news program that would come to define my life.
As A Matter Of Fact: What's A Parent To Do? #~# As a mother, the recent trend of teens enriching uranium for the purpose of creating nuclear weapons concerns me deeply. Sadly, my concerns are apparently not felt by executives in Hollywood, who continue day in and day out to produce movies, television shows, and music glamorizing the process of increasing the percent composition of uranium-235 through isotope separation.
Are you concerned about your rights to due process and the equal protection of the law? #~# Now that the Constitution has expired and it no longer limits the states' abilities to abridge citizens' privileges or immunities are you concerned about your rights to due process and the equal protection of the law?
School Board Acts To Remove Emotionally Disturbed Students #~# After a shooting at their high school, a school board in Granton, KS has enacted a new proactive plan for removing emotionally disturbed students from the school before tragedy can strike. The board has defined an emotionally disturbed student as one who:
"Zorla Mania" Sweeping America #~# In Tularosa, New Mexico last week stay-at-home-mom Zorla Gorgalon gave birth to 352 children and almost overnight went from being what she described as "just a normal human woman" to the center of a media frenzy.  This week, People magazine profiles the amazing multi-mom everyone is talking about:
Does Al Qaeda's use of cross dissolves and wipes signal the terrorist group is gaining strength? #~# Recent reports show Al Qaeda has begun to edit their terrorist videos, using transitions to trim down long-winded screeds and remove the moment at the beginning of videos where the jihadist turns on the camera and then sits down in front of it. Does this signal Al Qaeda is gaining strength?
Tillis' Acceptance Speech #~# This week, the Onion News Network looks back at the political career of Dave Tillis, the nation's first openly drunk senator. The following is a transcript of Senator Tillis' speech to his supporters upon winning the historic election:
Assange's Police Documents Leaked #~# Swedish police reports documenting charges against Julian Assange for the rape of two women were leaked online. What do you think?
Senator Honored For Work With Overprivileged Americans #~# HOUSTON—Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX), long a champion of the country's most advantaged Americans, was honored for his 20 years of work with the overprivileged Sunday. "John has dedicated his life and career to helping the uptrodden, believing in the common billionaire oil man who just needs that extra push to be able to pick himself up and increase his wealth and power without having to worry about paying taxes," said oil tycoon T. Boone Pickens, adding that without Sen. Cornyn, he and dozens like him would just barely be hanging on to their spots on Forbes magazine's World's Richest People list. "Few men have done so much for those few who already have so much." Cornyn later delivered a speech in which he vowed to continue his work with the nation's least needy, after which he was presented with the key to Houston's finest gated communities.
Kids In 'Scared-Straight' Program Visit Horrifying Cleveland Cavaliers Practice #~# CLEVELAND—As part of an effort to help at-risk youths turn their lives around before it's too late, organizers of a local "scared-straight" program exposed a group of at-risk teens to the horrors of a Cleveland Cavaliers practice Wednesday.
Andy Pettitte Retires To Inject HGH Without Being Harassed About It #~# NEW YORK—Sixteen-year veteran and five-time world champion Andy Pettitte announced his retirement from professional baseball last Friday, telling reporters he was mostly leaving the game so he could inject human growth hormone to his heart's content and not be constantly harangued about it. "I was really torn between giving baseball one more go and being able to stick myself with needle upon needle of HGH without repercussions," said Pettitte, adding that if he had been given the option to use HGH with a guarantee he wouldn't be given a hard time about it, he would still be a New York Yankee. "But it's time for me to focus on my life after baseball—specifically, how enjoyable it will be to use performance-enhancing drugs without somebody hounding me to pee in a cup." Pettitte then smiled, thanked reporters and fans, and downed more than 50 tablets from a bottle labeled Max HGH.
Problems With The NFL's Collective Bargaining Agreement #~# The NFL is facing a possible lockout and the loss of next season if owners and the players' union can't work through these sticking points during negotiations:
Real World: Nashville #~# MTV
Third Episode Of "Dumb In America" Investigates The Dumb Woman #~# In "Episode Three: The Dumb Glue Holding The Dumb Family Together," reporter John Harris continues his cross-country odyssey of dumbness by talking to imbecilic women.  In one especially poignant vignette an idiotic woman's complains about her best friend’s boyfriend's sister for more than two hours. If you or someone you know is a woman, you can't miss this episode of "Dumb In America."
Journey Of Self-Discovery Leads Man To Realization He Doesn't Care #~# FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Three months after setting off down a long spiritual path to find himself, 38-year-old Corey Larson arrived at the conclusion Tuesday that he does not care. "I spent many long hours meditating, studying the works of great thinkers and spiritual leaders, and delving deep within myself for some kind of answer, and then it hit me: I couldn't care less," Larson said of his soul-searching journey. "Fuck it. Fuck it all." Larson briefly considered writing a self-help book to make the journey easier for others, but decided that he also didn't give two shits about whether other people arrived at the same conclusion he did.
Study: Popular Children Meaner #~# A paper published in the American Sociological Review found that the more teens struggled to be popular in their schools, the more aggressive they were. What do you think?
Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook #~# CUPERTINO, CA—In his first major product release since stepping in for an ailing Steve Jobs last month, interim Apple CEO Tim Cook faced a storm of harsh criticism Monday after unveiling a grotesque new version of the company’s popular MacBook that many in attendance described as “disgusting.”
Egyptian Populace To Hopefully Get Something Better Than Democracy Out Of All This #~# CAIRO—After more than a week of political protests, bloodshed, and cultural upheaval in Egypt, analysts are holding out hope that the Egyptian people will get something more out of the whole ordeal than just democracy. "While having a truly representative system of government would be an improvement, you'd like to think after all they've been through the people of Egypt could be rewarded with something better than that," said Brookings Institution senior fellow Kenneth Pollack, adding that having a form of government in which power is derived from the people "isn't all it's cracked up to be." "They suffered under Mubarak for 30 years and this is the consolation prize they get? Democracy? At least give them all new jobs, or $5,000 in cash. Something." At press time, Brookings fellows were pooling some money together to buy the city of Cairo a "first-rate" new zoo.
Valentine's Day Stoning Runners-Up #~# The Onion News Network salutes the runners up to this year's Valentine's Day stoning. Don't worry, couples, there's always next year!
A Troubled Sheen #~# After an all-night drug and sex party resulted in a trip to the emergency room, troubled actor Charlie Sheen announced that he would undergo rehab at home so he could continue shooting Two And A Half Men. Here is a timeline of other incidents that led him to this point:
AOL To Acquire Huffington Post #~# Internet company AOL announced it would purchase media aggregator site The Huffington Post for $315 million. What do you think?
Library Of Congress Adds 3 Titles To List Of Films That Should Be Destroyed Forever #~# WASHINGTON—The Library of Congress announced this year's selections for the National Film Incineration Project on Tuesday, naming three titles it had chosen to permanently eradicate for the sake of future generations. "As an institution tasked with the preservation of our nation's cultural heritage, it is with a sense of profound responsibility that we commit these works to the flames," NFIP president Lawrence Feldman said as workers shoveled every known copy of Hollow Man 2, Nights In Rodanthe, and Rock Star into a furnace burning at 6,000 degrees Fahrenheit. "I'd like to thank our librarians for their painstaking work combing thrift stores for VHS tapes and personally deleting every known digital version of these unremarkable films." Observers said this year's list was smaller than those of years past, mainly because Feldman reportedly believes that Surviving The Game and A Knight's Tale are both actually pretty entertaining and underrated.
U.S. Authorities Can't Really Fault Al-Qaeda For Deadly Bombing Of Carnival Cruise Ship #~# 'Those Things Represent Everything That's Wrong With America,' Officials Say
America's Next Top Stock-Photo Model #~# BRAVO
NHL Responds To Blackhawks' Team U-Haul Overturning #~# The tragic accident involving the Chicago Blackhawks' overstuffed team U-Haul overturning on the highway has sent ripples throughout the league, as teams and players hear about the accident through the mail or using their league-issued pre-paid phone cards.  Other teams have been sending in best wishes to the Blackhawks as they deal with the tragedy.
How Will Each Of Shaq's Body Parts Help The Mavs? #~# Big deal going down earlier today as the Dallas Mavericks acquired Shaquille O'Neal from the Boston Celtics so that they could tear him apart and divide his body parts among their healthy, young, effective players. Here's an inventory of what's left of Shaq and how it might help the Mavs get to the promised land.
How The Orioles Decided To Become Half Baseball Team, Half Industrial Slaughterhouse #~# After years of declining attendance and an even worse overall record, the Orioles made the bold decision to limit their baseball-playing operations and embark on a grand experiment: converting to a large-scale abattoir. Here's a look at their projected 2011 lineup and the new roles each player might play.
The Hard-Luck NHL's Stunning History Of Tragedy #~# The NHL suffered a major blow this week as the Chicago Blackhawks' team U-Haul crashed on the highway, spilling all its players onto the hard asphalt, killing six. Tragic though it is, the NHL is no stranger to sadness. Here are a few of the notable calamities to befall this struggling league:
Listen To The First Jock Jam, 'Inside The Bowels Of The Great Steam-Ship' #~# It was in 1902 that an obscure composer named Alexander Oriana forever changed the sporting landscape by introducing the first Jock Jam at Sportsman's Park in St. Louis, Missouri.  Though his name has largely been forgotten to history, his contributions to music and sports have not — every pounding bass line and blaring orchestra hit you hear in Jock Jams today can be traced back to Oriana's experiments in dissonance and uncomfortable volume in his St. Louis studio.
Shepardus Maxim-us: My First Maxim Interview #~# That's right folks: Mark Shepard has graduated from long-time Maxim skimmer to first-time Maxim interviewee! It's a real honor, real thrill. I've always felt that of the FHM-Stuff-Maxim triumvirate of high-testosterone glossies, Maxim is by far the least sexist and second smartest.
Having My Own Cologne Company Taught Me A Lot About Business And Fragrance #~# You may have heard me talk on SportsDome about my DIY Cologne Kits.  Marky was supposed to drop it in conversation when he talked to the people writing the Maxim article, but he didn't.  Hopefully this blog post will get the attention of Maxim and they will either ask to write an article about me or let me hang around on one of their sexual photo shoots.
Blake Griffin Makes Amazing Dunk Where He Lets Go Of Ball 20 Feet Away From Hoop #~# MIAMI—Visiting Clippers forward Blake Griffin stunned spectators and opponents alike Sunday with a death-defying dunk executed by releasing the ball a full 20 feet from the basket. "Oh my God, he was literally almost back near the three-point line when he started the dunk, and then the ball suddenly left his hands," said game attendee Matt Harmon, adding that at one point the ball was "like 8 or 10 feet above the rim" and that it seemed to hang in the air forever before sailing through the hoop. "I've never seen anything like it." Later in the game, Griffin performed an encore of sorts, wowing the crowd with a one-point dunk he released 15 feet from the hoop after being fouled.
What's This Nonsense About Being Able To Laugh At One's Self? #~# I am not a humorless man. I've laughed heartily at skits constructed around the most ridiculous scenarios, and I myself am known for the occasional well-placed quip. But while laughter certainly has a place in life, I categorically reject the notion that one ought to laugh at oneself, even if only once in a while.
Tonight In The Dome: Shaq To Be Traded And Broken Down For Parts, The Last Word On Super Bowl XLV, And More #~# If your hair and teeth are falling out and your skin is covered with seeping blisters, you're still dealing with the Super Bowl fallout.  The Green Bay Packers are Super Bowl XLV champs, and Mark Shepard and Alex Reiser are setting up a pigskin triage in the SportsDome with all the latest deets on Green Bay's win, the Steelers' bumbling giveaways and reaction from millions of men who look exactly like Mike McCarthy.
Parents Really Enjoying Cruise #~# HAMTRAMCK, MI—According to a phone call made to their daughter Monday afternoon, Glen and Margery Bennings, 62, are really enjoying their Carnival Cruise thus far. "We've pretty much just stayed on the boat the whole time because there's lots to do and plenty to eat," said Bennings, adding that while she and her husband were playing the slot machines in the casino the previous night, they met a couple of nice Yemeni tourists who seemed "dumbfounded" by everything the ship had to offer. "Gotta go! They're getting us all up to dance the Macarena!" At press time, the Bennings had not been heard from but were assumed to be enjoying themselves immensely.
Commemorating Reagan's 100th #~# Sunday marked the 100th birthday of the late President Ronald Wilson Reagan. How did you remember him?
Future U.S. History Students: 'It's Pretty Embarrassing How Long You Guys Took To Legalize Gay Marriage' #~# DECATUR, IL, THE YEAR 2083—According to students in Mr. Bernard's fourth-period U.S. history class, it's "really pathetic" how long it took for early-21st-century Americans to finally legalize gay marriage.
Connor's Corner #~# Yesterday
Announcing The Winners Of Our Super Bowl One Second Ad Contest #~# Thank you, Domers, for all of your submissions to OSN’s One Second Chance Super Bowl Contest.  They were all terrific.  Choosing a single video to represent the love you all have for OSN to be seen by billions of viewers worldwide during the Super Bowl was extremely difficult, and was only made more so by the outdated policies of the FCC and the Fox Network’s obstinacy.
U-Say Response To Becker Decision #~# Was the Supreme Court's ruling against Tom Becker fair? Here's what U, the viewers, have to say:
It Doesn't Look That Cold Out, Reports Man Who Doesn't Have Thermo-Sensing Eyes #~# BUFFALO, NY—According to 33-year-old Sam Paik, whose ocular capacity does not include the ability to visualize the heat spectrum, it doesn't look cold outside. "Looks nice out," said the man, whose retinas are not embedded with silicon bandgap transducers capable of relaying precise temperature readings to an integrated circuit. "I don't think you'll need a coat." Paik, who does not have cancer-hearing ears, also told friends that he had recently spoken to his grandmother and she sounded fine.
Super Bowl Security Breached As Regular Football Fan Finds Way Into Stadium #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Security officials admitted Monday that 25-year-old Michael Thillens, a normal Packers fan with no connection to any corporate sponsor or multimillion-dollar Dallas business, somehow entered Cowboys Stadium and was able to watch his team play in the Super Bowl for two quarters Sunday before being apprehended. "First off, I don't know how an actual fan of one of these teams got a ticket to the game, but that's for another day," said security director Mel Janicki, who stressed that every year authorities do their very best to make sure sponsors, friends of sponsors, curious millionaires, high-level league employees, and celebrities are allowed to attend the Super Bowl in a safe and stable environment. "We should have been more suspicious when he entered the stadium wearing all that Green Bay apparel, but we get a lot of rich investors who bring their kids and buy a bunch of team clothing before the game just for the fun of it." Janicki said that Thillens gave himself away by being the only person in the stadium who cared about the game's outcome.
Is The Internet Full? #~# Last week, the organization that assigns IP addresses—unique numbers that identify the "location" of every device connected to the Internet—handed out its last available digits. What do you think?
The High Reis: Ben Roethlisberger Broke My Trust With Him #~# I was going to root for Ben Roethlisberger in the Super Bowl because in him I saw a man who I shared a common experience with, including being suspended for something that was never proven in a court of law.  So I wanted the Steelers to win, and I thought I would meet him at Dallas and hang out with him for a while, but he did not return my calls.
Shepard's Pie: That Is Exactly How I Predicted The Super Bowl Would Turn Out #~# Surprised? I'm not.
Puppy Bowl Marred By Tragic Spinal Injury #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Puppy Bowl VII, puppy football’s biggest annual event, came to a complete standstill Sunday when Alvin, a 3-month-old schnauzer mix, suffered a freak spinal injury while chasing down a loose squeaky football.
Widowzillas #~# TLC
Jacksonville Jaguars Stun NFL By Taking Completely Different Road To Super Bowl #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Bypassing the traditional route of winning in the playoffs, the 8-8 Jacksonville Jaguars stunned the NFL Monday by exploiting a little-known loophole to qualify for Super Bowl XLV. "Although the Jaguars didn't beat any teams in the postseason, they filled out the paperwork properly, handed in the 350-page application on time, and got the signatures of the necessary CEOs and small-business owners," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that while the unorthodox route to the Super Bowl has been in place for more than 30 years, teams who consider taking it usually become discouraged by having to write essays on both the Federalist Papers and Thomas Pynchon's V. "So here we are. Steelers, Packers, Jags. All three, very deserving teams." According to Goodell, the Jaguars almost didn't make the Super Bowl, but center Brad Meester was able to prove he had opened up a Roth IRA just before the Jan. 1 deadline.
Bard College Named Nation's No. 1 Dinner Party School #~# ANNANDALE-ON-HUDSON, NY—The Princeton Review announced this week that Bard College has topped its annual ranking of the nation's biggest dinner party schools.
Listings for other local Pennington cable-access programming #~# WONN5 Cares About Pennington!
Was the Chinese government justified in posthumously charging 20,000 citizens with "subversive seismic activity"? #~# More than 20,000 Chinese citizens were posthumously tried and charged with "subversion of state power by engaging in illegal seismic activity" for their role in the earthquake which destroyed nearly $500 million in government buildings. Was the charge justified?
The CrossWord: Juniper Has Troubled Past #~# All right, people, let's talk about this horse-marriage debacle. The conventional wisdom is that Congressman Ronald North is the bad guy, but like all conventional wisdom, it's DEAD WRONG. What no one except for ol' Shelby seems to be looking at here is the culpability of the horse. There are a lot of facts that indicate this mare Juniper lured North into this rendezvous.
Should the U.S. send more troops to Iran to help clean up after the series of explosions the nation is now experiencing? #~# Since the U.S. sent 45,000 troops into Iran to help clean up a minor train accident yesterday, the nation has been rocked by a series of accidental explosions.  Should the U.S. send in more troops to help the Iranian people recover from these mishaps?
Which will be the next state to legalize marijuana for the sick and dying? #~# With a growing number of doctors saying that marijuana can relieve the pain and suffering of those suffering from debilitating illnesses like stomach cancer and degenerative nerve conditions, which groovy state do you think will legalize medical marijuana next?
Tom Becker's Testimony #~# The Supreme Court recently ruled that the First Amendment no longer applied to idiotic blowhard, Tom Becker. Below, a short excerpt from Becker's three-hour rambling testimony during the trial.
Plan For Operation Humanitarian Firestorm #~# The Pentagon has released a map detailing their plan to help Iran in the wake of today's trainwreck.  Click image to enlarge
Apple Fans Lining Up For iHand #~# As we reported on Onion News Network tonight (Fridays 10/9c on IFC), this week Apple rolls out its newest must-have gadget, the iHand. Millions of devoted Apple fans have already pre-ordered the sleek device, cutting off their hands early so they can be the first of their friends to attach the high-tech prosthetic hand to their severed wrist. We received thousands of messages from Mac fans excited for the upcoming release.
Instead of hiring a national repairman, should the U.S. government have attempted to fix the nation's infrastructure themselves? #~# Considering our national repairman Ron charges 50 million dollars an hour, should should the U.S. government have attempted  to just fix the nation's infrastructure themselves?
If Obama attempts to steal the pot filled with the world's, does that prove he is the trickster god Anansi? #~# As speculation that the president is actually the cunning West African spider trickster god Anansi continues to mount, Obama's critics are demanding that a Congressional committee seal all the world's wisdom in a pot and put it in the high boughs of a thorny tree. If the president attempts to steal the pot, will that prove he's Anansi?
What qualifies Clayton Cressbeckler to be president? #~# Joad Cressbeckler's brother Clayton has announced his intention to run as a third-party presidential candidate in 2012.  Which skill best qualifies him for office?
Plan For Operation Humanitarian Firestorm #~# The Pentagon has released a map detailing their plan to help Iran in the wake of today's trainwreck.  Back to the Onion News Network blog.
Photos Surface Of Congressman Cavorting With Horse #~# Today photos surfaced showing Mississippi Congressman Ronald North—a staunch anti-gay marriage activist who argued that allowing a man to marry another man would lead to men marrying horses—in what appears to be romantic outings with a mare.
Obama Delivers Whispered, Untelevised Speech On Gun Control #~# WASHINGTON—President Obama delivered a 10-minute-long inaudible and untelevised speech on gun control Thursday, addressing the politically volatile topic from behind the closed doors of the Oval Office, where nobody could see or hear him. "The Second Amendment doesn't…" said Obama, who trailed off and gently whispered a number of strong, definitive statements that were muffled by the hand in front of his face. "While I understand this is an important issue to many Americans, I also believe that in the aftermath of the tragedy in Arizona, certain kinds of guns are [incoherent mumble], and that we should seriously look at [incoherent mumble]. It's the right thing to do." White House sources confirmed that it was Obama's finest speech since his one-hour silent monologue last Friday, when he outlined the growing threat of climate change and ordered the oil and automobile industries to develop renewable energy sources while cutting carbon emissions completely by 2018.
Pamphlet Shows North's Strong Anti-Gay Marriage Position #~# Congressman Ronald North, who today admitted to having an affair with a horse, was one of Capitol Hill's most outspoken opponents of gay marriage. The pamphlet below was distributed by North's office in 2010:
Natalee Holloway, Osama Bin Laden Celebrate 5-Year Wedding Anniversary #~# LAS VEGAS—Saying they couldn't believe it had been five years since their Niagara Falls honeymoon, Natalee Holloway and Osama bin Laden announced this week that they would be spending their anniversary relaxing in a suite at the Wynn Las Vegas casino hotel. "We're just as happy now as we were on our wedding day," read a Facebook post by the pair, who said the past five years have been "quite a ride" and thanked all the "wonderful people" they've met along the way. "It was love at first sight, and we haven't looked back since the moment we laid eyes on each other." The Holloway–bin Ladens are reportedly already gearing up for their next big trip, an RV tour of America's great ballparks, in the spring.
White Stripes Break Up #~# According to an announcement on their website, the White Stripes have broken up "to preserve what is beautiful and special about the band." What do you think?
Super Bowl Still Hasn't Happened Yet #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Despite the overwhelming media hype, countless interviews with players and coaches, and considerable speculation about the big game since the conference champions earned Super Bowl berths nearly two weeks ago, Super Bowl XLV still hasn't happened yet. "It feels like it should have happened last Sunday, but it didn't," Ohio-area football fan Jared Britton told reporters Friday, adding that instead of the Super Bowl, the Pro Bowl happened. "So I guess there's still two more days. Well, three if you count today. Doesn't it feel like it should have happened already?" As of press time, the Super Bowl still hasn't happened.
Great Moments In The Histories Of The Steelers and Packers #~# They are two of the league's premier franchises and have given football some of its most memorable moments. We look at some of the best.
I Should Be Alive #~# ANIMAL
This Week's "Dumb In America" Looks At Dumb Men #~# In "The Dumb Man: Hardship & Hope At An Eighty-Six I.Q.," "Dumb In America" host John Harris examines what it means to be a dumb man in America today. Though stupid men find themselves increasingly accepted by society as a whole, problems for the demographic persist, from difficulty understanding the plots of movies to frequent firecracker injuries.  See the series that has all of America talking.
The High Reis: They Should Pretend Someone Dies In The Middle Of The Super Bowl Halftime Show And We Have To Solve The Murder #~# The halftime show at the Super Bowl is something they always talk about.  They used to have good shows, but then they stopped having good ones after Janet Jackson exposed her breast.  I remember watching that show in my apartment with my old roommate Big Nate.  He was in the kitchen shouting at his girlfriend and I said, "Janet Jackson exposed her breast."  Anyway I think I know a way to make a better halftime show this year and that is to pretend someone got murdered and we have to solve the murder, like what happened on this ship I was once on.
Packers, Steelers Find A Bunch Of Fucked-Up Shit While Exploring Cowboys Stadium #~# ARLINGTON, TX—After spending several hours exploring the facilities, Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers players reportedly discovered a ton of insanely fucked-up shit in Cowboys Stadium Tuesday, including a functioning crematorium, a creepy boys choir, and a gallery filled with nude sculptures of former Dallas players. "This place is just wrong," said Packers cornerback Charles Woodson, adding that Steelers tight end Heath Miller stumbled across an armory packed with ammunition and assault rifles as well as a concrete bunker lit by a single bare bulb and containing only a portrait of Jerry Jones on one wall. "I really wanted to check out the brand-new weight room, but all I could find was this dungeon thing filled with all this crazy bondage gear, like ball gags and stuff, but like, really small. For small people." Though he was reportedly disturbed by the stadium's sub-basement chamber in which Andy Warhol's Blow Job was playing on loop, Steelers nose tackle Casey Hampton said he was most sickened after discovering a glass display case containing quarterback Tony Romo's exquisitely preserved corpse.
Packers Fans #~# STRENGTHS: Whatever muscles one uses to lift 340 pounds of lard out of bed each morning; unwilling to let work, family, religion, or even basic necessities like health and shelter stand in the way of their devotion to the Packers; best fans in the world
Mike McCarthy #~# STRENGTHS: Never-ending source of thrilling sound bites such as "We'll address that after the Super Bowl," "That's a nonissue for us," and "We're just here to play football"; known for wild offensive trickery such as the "fake handoff" and "wide-receiver screen pass"; carefully scripts touchdowns for first 15 plays
Clay Matthews #~# STRENGTHS: Able to tackle all players, even those who don't desire to be tackled; thick shag carpet matches the long drapes; dislikes not hitting people
Charles Woodson #~# STRENGTHS: Won the Heisman Trophy, which, come to think of it, has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on this game; unique ability to line-up anywhere on the field except, for some reason, the 36-yard line; disguises blitz by dropping back into coverage right after he sacks the quarterback
Donald Driver #~# STRENGTHS: Best player in league at smiling after the catch; phenomenal jumper, but also remarkable at standing perfectly still; great route runner in the way that's actually not a euphemism for "slow as shit"
Aaron Rodgers #~# STRENGTHS: Sees the field almost too well, so is sometimes distracted by unevenly cut grass or poorly painted on-field lines; best time-out calling mechanics in NFL; uses mobility and quick feet to escape shadow of Brett Favre
Steelers Fans #~# STRENGTHS: Somehow pull off rooting for a team that always wins without coming off like Patriots fans; good at waving things, spinning things; best fans in the world
Mike Tomlin #~# STRENGTHS: Summoned the hypocrisy necessary to trade Santonio Holmes for pot infraction but keep Ben Roethlisberger; can manage and motivate an entire 40-man roster of elite athletes while staying on one side of white line; only decided to coach the Steelers after finding out there was no Neil O’Donnell, Kordell Stewart, or Bam Morris
Troy Polamalu #~# STRENGTHS: So good, only needs to play 75 percent of season to be named Defensive Player of the Year; eight-year veteran at strong safety, but reads offenses at a 12th-year level; is behind you right now
James Harrison #~# STRENGTHS: Has given NFL $3 million in fine money prior to game so he can feel free to tackle helmet-first anytime he wants, which shows good strategic thinking; good at murder; plays Steeler football, whatever the hell that means
Hines Ward #~# STRENGTHS: One of the most agreeable assholes in the game; block on Keith Rivers received harsh critical reviews but grossed $12.5 million worldwide; great blocking receiver, mangling receiver; unlike some Steelers receivers, can in fact catch a cold
Ben Roethlisberger #~# STRENGTHS: Defensive ends and blitzing linebackers have trouble getting a grasp on his misshapen head; remarkable ability to avoid tacklers, prosecution; because his offensive line sort of sucks shit, has figured out how to extend plays indefinitely
Super Bowl XLV Preview Guide #~# With Super Bowl XLV upon us, Onion Sports has assembled this guide to each team's top players, coaches, and fans to help you answer the crucial question: Will Super Bowl XLV be any good?
Steelers, Packers #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Over the past two weeks, sources close to the NFL have confirmed Steelers, Packers. "The Pittsburgh Steelers," sources told reporters, "and the Green Bay Packers." Furthermore, according to a report released today by the NFL, Super Bowl XLV.
Book Of Revelations: Secrets Revealed In Other Athletes' Autobiographies #~# John Daly's new book "Educated Guess" sheds light on the champion golfer's career, including the revelations that he must re-teach himself how to play golf after every stultifying hangover and how he won the 1991 PGA Championship while in a total dissociative fugue state as a Mexican horticulturalist named "Juan". Daly is not the only athlete to make some world-shocking revelations. Here are some other recent autobiographies of note:
Area Woman Marries Into Health Insurance #~# SAN FRANCISCO—The romantic motives of local woman Janet Debois, 28, came under scrutiny Sunday following accusations that she had only married Vince Davidson, 31, for his generous health insurance policy. “She wasn’t even into Vince until he started flashing his Blue Cross/Blue Shield card around,” said Carly Platt, a longtime acquaintance who speculated Debois might one day leave her new husband for an older man with a smaller co-pay. “You could just see the wheels turning in her head once she found out his dental plan covered twice-annual cleanings. Then it was a sprint to the altar.” Sources close to Davidson confirmed that he is only getting married so he can use his wife as a tax write-off.
Super Bowl Draws Underage Prostitutes #~# The Super Bowl is "one of the biggest human-trafficking events in the United States," according to Texas attorney general Greg Abbott, and police have vowed to crack down on underage prostitution this year in Dallas. What do you think?
Police Bust Giraffe-Fighting Ring #~# ST. LOUIS—Local law enforcement officials announced Monday they had broken up a major giraffe-fighting ring, arresting two alleged organizers and 12 spectators found at the scene, in addition to confiscating $45,000 in cash and 10 badly abused giraffes.
U.S. Negotiating Mubarak's Severance Package #~# CAIRO—In an effort to provide monetary compensation to the Egyptian president for three decades of faithful service, U.S. officials opened negotiations with Hosni Mubarak Tuesday, offering him a severance package worth $20 million upon termination of his employment. "We are all thankful for the hard work and long hours President Mubarak put in over the years, and hope our discussions continue smoothly," said senior U.S. negotiator Frank Wisner, who admitted that the final settlement would have to be considerable, as Mubarak's contract with the U.S. was being terminated 15 years early. "Unfortunately, he no longer reflects our needs in the region at this time, but we would like to end our relationship on the right foot. He deserves to retire in comfort." Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has also reportedly offered to write Mubarak a letter of recommendation in case he wishes to apply for any dictatorship jobs with U.S. allies in the future.
Illinois Supreme Court Deems Rahm Emanuel Sleazy Enough To Run For Mayor Of Chicago #~# CHICAGO—In a unanimous decision handed down on Thursday, the Illinois Supreme Court ruled that former White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel was sleazy enough to be included on Chicago's mayoral ballot. "It is the opinion of this court that Mr. Emanuel is coarse, vulgar, and power-hungry to such a degree that he should be eligible to hold this city's highest office," Illinois Justice Robert R. Thomas wrote in his majority opinion, adding that Emanuel also met a key stipulation requiring that any mayor of Chicago be a bully willing to do whatever is necessary to push his agenda through the city council. "Further, Mr. Emanuel is a sleazebag and a sleazeball, both of which are criteria he fulfilled prior to filing his papers with the local election board." The decision overturned an appellate court's ruling that Emanuel was only sleazy enough to be the governor of Illinois, and that he lacked the slithery, snake-like attributes necessary to oversee the morally bankrupt cesspool of Chicago politics.
Obama Pushes Job Creation #~# Following his State of the Union address, President Barack Obama has turned his attention to job creation. Here are some facets of his administration's plan:
The Most Underwhelming Super Bowls Of All Time #~# The Super Bowl is inevitably two weeks of intense hype before a sloppy, disappointing flameout filled with muffed kick returns, dropped passes and delay of game penalties.  Here are some of the worst games in Super Bowl history:
Intel Ships Flawed Chip #~# On Monday, computer-chip manufacturer Intel announced that its new Cougar Point chip had a flaw, and that rectifying the situation would cost the company $1 billion. What do you think?
Carmelo Anthony Scores 36 Points While Rest Of Players Watch NFL Playoffs #~# DENVER—In an explosive performance Sunday night, small forward Carmelo Anthony hustled all over the court, leaping for rebounds, diving for loose balls, and erupting for 36 points while the rest of the Nuggets and Pacers players watched the exciting conclusion of the AFC Championship game. "If they're going to leave me open beyond the three-point line, I'm going to make those shots every time," said Anthony, who started slowly by missing his first six field goal attempts, but eventually caught his stride as players and coaches huddled around a small courtside television. "If I pick my spots and am patient, I can take over any game." Anthony was eventually ejected when his loudly squeaking basketball shoes distracted a referee, causing him to miss the Jets sacking Ben Roethlisberger in the end zone for a safety.
Reporter For High School Newspaper Most Professional Journalist In Nation #~# YAKIMA, WA—According to sources, sophomore Melanie Finkelstein, a reporter for Yakima High School's Eagle Eye student newspaper, is, as of Tuesday, the most competent and professional journalist in the nation. "I just want everyone on campus to know what's going on," said the student, who when reporting on various Yakima High events and activities attributes all details and assertions, runs quotes by sources before publishing them, and avoids sensationalism. "I triple-check my facts and then take out anything that looks like an opinion from me—just basic journalism stuff, really." Finklestern, 15, who with her short, cropped hair and tomboyish clothing is probably a lesbian, said that while she enjoyed writing for the student paper, she doubted she was good enough to ever do it for a living.
Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth #~# WASHINGTON—In a strong rebuke of President Obama and his domestic agenda, all 242 House Republicans voted Wednesday to repeal the Asteroid Destruction and American Preservation Act, which was signed into law last year to destroy the immense asteroid currently hurtling toward Earth.
Nirvaniacs! #~# ABC
DomeFacts: The Truly Disgusting Career Of Kwame Brown #~# The Minnesota Timberwolves lost the Kwame Brown Lottery, meaning they will be forced to sign Kwame to a contract this offseason, despite his horrible play and even worse attitude.  Here are some DomeFacts about Kwame to put the T-Wolves' misery in perspective:
The Science Behind The NFL's Roger Goodell Clones #~# Countless Goodell clones are already milling around the Dallas area, providing a stark visual reminder of the commissioner's presence in an attempt to keep partying players on the straight and narrow.  Here are some of the clones' most advanced features:
What do you hope to see in the big Doritos Super Bowl commercial? #~# With the Super Bowl delayed to give Doritos time to finish their commercial, what do you hope to see in the big Doritos spot?
Do you think Roethlisberger will be redeemed if he wins a third SuperBowl? #~# Ben Roethlisberger is on the cusp of being a good human being, needing only one win in the Super Bowl to wipe out two accusations of sexual assault in the past three years. If Big Ben wins a third Big One, do you think he has been redeemed?
Denis Leary Drops By Comedy Club To Try Out New Ford Commercial #~# LOS ANGELES—The Laugh Factory audience received a surprise Thursday when actor-comedian Denis Leary dropped by to try out material for his upcoming Ford commercial. “I just like to get up there every once and a while, try out a new bit on the F-150’s payload capacity, and see what’s working, you know?” said Leary, whose unscheduled appearance bumped two struggling comedians from slots booked more than two months ago. “I’ve got 15 seconds on zero-percent APR financing that I think is going to kill.” Leary later dealt with a heckler by showing him one of the company’s many J.D. Power and Associates awards.
Sink Or Schwim #~# NBC
Next In The Dome: Super Bowl Put On Hold, Big Ben One Win Away From Being A Good Person, and National Crystal Meth Hallucination League Action #~# Hit the deck and find a big piece of tin to hide under, because the SportsDome's buzzing your house with the biggest Super Bowl analysis anywhere. Alex Reiser and Mark Shepard are dropping a full payload of Agent Sports all over your village and watching it burn to Super Bowl Sports-Cinders.
I've Got You Dumb Motherfuckers Eating Right Out Of My Hand #~# When we released the first Toy Story movie back in 1995, my colleagues and I were nervous about the response from critics and audiences. Sure, we knew we had crafted a brilliant, earnest film that intelligently explored the human condition—a story that resonated with both children and adults alike—but we didn't know for sure if moviegoers would come out in big numbers or not. Well, fast-forward 15 years, 11 movies, and $6 billion later, and I can tell you with full confidence that I've got you stupid fucking sons of bitches exactly where I want you.
Annoying Friend Always Flabbergasted By Over-Under #~# MIDDLE RIVER, MD—According to his irritated friends, local man Mike Dreyer is inexplicably shocked and angered whenever he hears the over-under oddsmakers have set for any sporting event whatsoever. "It's like he takes it personally or something," said Dreyer's friend Matt Brands, who makes a point of putting away the local sports page before Dreyer comes over so he can't consult it. "Nobody cares if Mike thinks the Texans' performance on artificial turf warrants something more like an over-under of 42 than 45. He's never made a bet in his life anyway." At press time, Dreyer was not asked to comment about the Super Bowl spread.
Will.i.am Named Creative Director Of Intel #~# Computer-chip manufacturer Intel named Black Eyed Peas bandleader Will.i.am its director of creative innovation, signing him to a multiyear contract. What do you think?
Study: 90% Of Plane Landings Just Barely Pulled Off #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new study published by the National Transportation Safety Board, 90 percent of successful plane landings are “this close” to ending with the aircraft pinwheeling down the runway and exploding into a fireball of twisted metal and charred flesh. “We found that when passengers think they’re hearing the landing gear being lowered, that’s actually the sound of the plane’s fuselage coming apart at the seams as the flight-control system fails,” said NTSB chairwoman Deborah Hersman, adding how remarkable it is that the wheels don’t break off immediately after making contact with the tarmac. “Further, when the plane lands, every bump, big or small, basically means the pilots are fighting with all their might to prevent the aircraft from crashing into the airport terminal.” The study found that in nearly all cockpit recordings, the last few moments before touchdown are filled with the pilots screaming for their lives, praying to God, or trying to say one final goodbye to a loved one.
Perez Hilton Writing Children's Book #~# Celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton is writing a children's book entitled The Boy With Pink Hair to be published in September. What do you think?
Harry Connick, Jr. Dies In Piano Fire #~# NEW ORLEANS—According to a statement released by the New Orleans Police Department, a piano fire claimed the life of celebrated singer Harry Connick, Jr. late Tuesday night. Witnesses on the scene said Connick was in the midst of a particularly jaunty rendition of “S’wonderful” when the piano—which had been inspected just two weeks prior to the incident—suddenly burst into flames. “The burning lacquer just adhered to his skin like napalm,” friend and witness Jamie Walters said. “Then the blaze got hotter, and the piano wires began to snap, cutting into his hands, arms, and face like steel razor whips. We tried to pull him away from there, but he kept running back to finish the song.” Connick was 43.
Continued Existence Of Edible Arrangements Disproves Central Tenets Of Capitalism #~# WALLINGFORD, CT—Upending more than two centuries of free-market theory, leading economists across the globe announced Thursday that the fundamental principles of capitalism had been "irrefutably disproved" by the continued existence of the designer fruit-basket company Edible Arrangements.
American Media Reports News Other Than Zoo's Escaped Cobra As If Anything Else Really Matters #~# NEW YORK—The American print, broadcast, and online news media inexplicably continued reporting Wednesday on topics ranging from the budget debate in Washington to the recent tumult in Syria as if Saturday's escape of a 20-inch Egyptian cobra from the Bronx Zoo—a snake whose venom destroys its prey's nervous system and can kill a human being in 15 minutes—isn't the only thing worth paying attention to right now. "The safety of nuclear power continues to be a hot-button topic," said one reporter in a newscast that, bizarrely, wasn't devoted entirely to a deadly snake that has no regard for human life and could be anywhere, coiled up in someone's basement, hiding in a pillowcase, or at this very moment looming right behind an individual reading a news article, its neck-hood fully extended and its lethal fangs poised to strike into the back of one's head. "And in sports news, [something else unrelated to the only two topics that could possibly be of any interest to anyone, namely, (a) what is being done to catch the snake and (b) how does one actively hide from it]." As of press time, Brian Williams should stop interviewing President Obama about Libya for Christ's sake and ask him why, with a snake on the loose that can release a neurotoxin causing severe flaccid paralysis, the government isn't setting up antivenom distribution centers across the country.
Starbucks Is 40 #~# The Seattle-based coffee chain Starbucks celebrated its 40th anniversary in March. 
Romantic Pain = Physical Pain #~# New research reveals that the reaction of the human brain to heartbreak is similar to its reaction to the experience of physical pain. What do you think?
International Criminal Court Announces New '3 Strikes' Genocide Policy #~# THE HAGUE—In an effort to crack down on the systematic killing of entire races and ethnic groups, International Criminal Court officials introduced a new “three strikes” policy Monday that mandates harsher punishments for offenders receiving their third genocide conviction. “You get three chances, and that’s it,” said ICC president Sang-Hyun Song, a judge with a reputation for being tough on genocide. “It doesn’t matter if you’re slaughtering rival clans en masse, gassing your own people, or gunning down all males over the age of 15 in front of their families and neighbors. If it’s your third time, we’re throwing the book at you.” According to the ICC, three-time perpetrators of genocide will face stiff fines and have to issue formal public apologies, pending appeals.
Report: Majority Of Americans Just Gotta, You Know, Get Motivated And Do It #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new report from the National Association of Just Getting Out There and Getting It Done, when it comes to making it happen, a majority of Americans just have to, you know, get motivated and do it.
Murder On The Orient Express #~# PBS
Sustainable Energy Solutions Are The Key To Our Country's Economic Future vs. Christ, Ted, Is That You? It's Four In The Morning #~# Time and time again, the United States finds itself on the brink of economic disaster, and all because we have tethered ourselves to an unstable energy source: oil. This reliance leaves us both susceptible to the volatility of an unstable market and defenseless against the cyclical havoc it creates in our economy. We continually vow to change our ways, but as soon as prices go back down, we're right back where we started, feeding our oil addiction.
Report: Sidney Crosby Dead Of Intracranial Bleeding, Will Start Against Flyers #~# PITTSBURGH—According to a report released by the Pittsburgh Penguins organization Monday, star forward Sidney Crosby, who suffered a severe concussion last January, fatally succumbed to intracranial complications Monday at the age of 23 and is expected to make his first start in nearly three months tonight against the Philadelphia Flyers. "Late last night Sidney experienced a severe brain hemorrhage and was rushed to University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, where doctors were unable to revive him and he was pronounced dead at 6:30 a.m.,"† Penguins owner Mario Lemieux said in a statement. "We're really looking forward to seeing 'Sid The Kid' back out there on the ice where he belongs, leading this team into the playoffs. It's a hockey night in Pittsburgh!" Crosby is survived by his parents Troy and Trina and a younger sister Taylor, and, according to head coach Dan Bylsma, should get 18 to 20 minutes of ice time tonight depending on how he feels.
Maker Of Pizza Rolls Rethinks Letting Fans Tell Its Story #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Shocked by the sheer volume of depressing videos submitted to their Tell Us Your Totino's Tale campaign, employees at the pizza-roll manufacturer announced Tuesday that they are rethinking their recent user-generated marketing initiative. "In retrospect, perhaps it would have been better for us to have simply gone ahead and told the Totino's story ourselves like we always have," marketing manager Joelle McCaffrey said Friday as she motioned toward a laptop displaying the dozens of sad, mildly disturbing videos she's been forced to watch over the past two weeks. "In each of the clips I've seen so far, everyone was greasy or sweaty. Seven of them mentioned they love pepperoni but didn't have a lot else to say, and at least four said our pizza rolls are the only thing they look forward to each day. One person forgot to turn the camera off and there was just this long shot of her struggling to get out of her chair and walk 10 feet to the door." Admitting the project was a failure, McCaffrey said that Totino's would soon be rolling out a replacement campaign featuring an Italian-accented animated pizza roll.
Burmese Pythons Hardier Than Thought #~# Despite record low temperatures and a drought in Florida, researchers caught six Burmese pythons in parts of the Everglades where they had not been seen before, indicating that the invasive species will be harder to get rid of than previously thought. What do you think?
NYTimes.com's Plan To Charge People Money For Consuming Goods, Services Called Bold Business Move #~# NEW YORK—In a move that media executives, economic forecasters, and business analysts alike are calling "extremely bold," NYTimes.com put into place a groundbreaking new business model today in which the news website will charge people money to consume the goods and services it provides. "The whole idea of an American business trying to make a profit off of a product its hired professionals create on a daily basis is a truly brave and intrepid strategy," said media analyst Steve Messner, adding that NYTimes.com's extremely risky new approach to commerce—wherein legal tender must be exchanged in order to receive a desired service—could drastically reduce the publication's readership. "To ask NYTimes.com's 33 million unique monthly visitors to switch to a cash-for-manufactured-goods-based model from the standard everything-online-should-be-free-for-reasons-nobody-can-really-explain-based model is pretty fearless. It's almost as if The New York Times is equating itself with a business trying to function in a capitalistic society." In a statement released last Thursday, the newspaper's publisher Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr. said, "If this fails, I'd honestly rather The New York Times not exist in a world where people are unwilling to pay the price of a fucking movie ticket for a monthly online subscription."
Who Wears The Pants Around Here? #~# ABC
Negative Comments About Big East Fail To Affect Anybody, Anything #~# NEW YORK—A recent outpouring of negative criticism levied against the Big East for the conference's poor showing in the NCAA Tournament has had absolutely no affect on anyone or anything, and will reportedly continue to have zero effect on the world due to the fact that being angry at a collegiate basketball conference is a completely worthless endeavour, sources confirmed Thursday. "I think the Big East is the most overrated conference," said a man whose overwhelming disappointment with what basically amounts to 19-year-old boys playing basketball makes one wonder what his priorities are, if he understands that there are millions of things much more interesting to talk about, or whether or not he's aware that such passion could be focused on saying something that actually matters. "The selection committee should never have put 11 Big East teams in the tournament. Never. It's ridiculous." According to sources, a recent wave of opposition from fans and analysts defending the Big East has also had little impact on anything, mainly because this topic is so stupid.
Science Confirms Men and Women Never Meant To Be More Than Friends #~# UPPSALA, SWEDEN—In a shocking reversal of thousands of years of thinking on human reproduction, researchers at the Swedish Collegium for Advanced Study in the Social Sciences announced Monday that sexual contact is a genetic accident, and men and women originally evolved to just be good buds. “Using DNA evidence unavailable until the completed mapping of the human genome, we can now definitively state that the two genders were never meant to do anything more than hang out with each other platonically as pals,” said noted evolutionary scientist Dr. Janet Karberg, adding that humans are genetically hardwired in such a way that getting involved romantically can only “ruin everything” between two people. “The true biological imperative of male and female humans is to enjoy long-lasting friendships that don’t get bogged down in attraction or sexual tension in any way.” Ideally, the report stated, men and women should just go to dinner or the movies every few weeks, hug at most, and then return home to masturbate in solitude.
Earliest Americans' Traces Found In Texas #~# Stone tools recently uncovered in a Texas creek valley were found to be 15,500 years old, making them the earliest known artifacts of what may have been the very first Americans. What do you think?
Even Newt Gingrich A Little Depressed By Prospect Of Him Running For President #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing a reaction similar to millions of other dismayed Americans, Newt Gingrich admitted Monday that he too was feeling "pretty bummed out" about the prospect of a Newt Gingrich presidential campaign.
Mets Release Mets #~# PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla—In an attempt to move the organization into a new era, the New York Mets announced Friday they will part ways with the New York Mets, releasing all 40 of its roster players and its entire farm system. "They were given a fair chance to prove themselves, but they've shown a disappointing lack of productivity for the past 64 years," Mets general manager Sandy Alderson told reporters, citing the 1988 NLCS, the 1999 NLCS, the Subway Series, the 2006 NLCS, the 2007 and 2008 collapses, seven consecutive losing seasons in the 1960s, the decision to trade Nolan Ryan, K-Rod punching his girlfriend's father in the face, and Carlos Beltran as reasons to swallow the remaining $480 million left on every player's contract. "Mets fans associate an intense feeling of negativity with the Mets. Cutting the entire organization was the only way to get them back on our side." Following his statement, Alderson said, "Goodbye," and left, as he had just informed himself of his own release.
Visiting Friend Okay Doing Whatever #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Minutes after arriving at Scott Clark's apartment Friday, college friend Marc Karam, 26, announced that he didn't really have any plans in mind for his visit, and that he would be fine doing pretty much whatever this weekend. "Up to you, man—I'm down for anything," said Karam, suggesting the two could just walk around the city for a while, check out Fisherman's Wharf, hang out in the apartment, or maybe see what Brent's up to later. "Honestly, I'm just here to see you, so it really doesn't matter to me. And hey, if you got stuff you need to do, just go do it. I brought my laptop." Clark later suggested that the two could go to Chinatown, which Karam rejected, saying he'd rather do something he hasn't done before.
30-Second Meals With Rachael Ray #~# FOOD
Report: At Least 14 Different Types Of Animals Crawl On You While You Sleep #~# SAN DIEGO—A study conducted at the University of San Diego found that during an average night's sleep, at least 14 different animals, ranging from ants to Gila monsters to wounded possums, are likely to scurry, slither, or crawl across a slumbering individual's body. "You become a virtual playground for these creatures mere minutes after you fall asleep, inhaling dozens of insects and swallowing up to 17 spiders during an eight-hour period," lead researcher Jack Paulette told reporters Thursday, adding that earwig colonies spend each night hatching thousands of their young in and around human genitalia. "If you’re lying in bed and feel as if something has just brushed across your leg, that's because something actually has. In most cases, snakes." Paulette added that it's not uncommon for a baby mountain goat to clamber upon one's shoulder at night in an attempt to find purchase, and that people who awaken with mountain-goat afterbirth in their bedsheets should know they aren't alone.
Laid-Back Voices Urging Man To Kill His Family When He Gets A Chance #~# CLAYTON, MO—According to easygoing voices inside the head of local man Tom Kepler, 39, the husband and father of three should maybe consider murdering his whole family when he has a minute, if it isn't too much trouble.
Introducing The Onion News Network's 'Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle!' #~# Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle! is a fast-paced news and current affairs program devoted to bringing you the latest need-to-know information about awesome motorcycles.  With the recent announcement that the new American Dream will be to own a tricked out motorcycle, there has never been a more vital need for motorcycle-based news programming. Anchored by four-time Easyriders magazine cover girl Ashlee Desiree, Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle! will feature interviews with today's foremost motorcycle experts, tips for attaining a better motorcycle, and a solid hour of footage of sweet motorcycles either being ridden or turning on pedestals.  Shredding guitar riffs and women chanting "Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle!" will also feature prominently in Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Motorcycle! Watching is your best way to achieve your perfect bike.
What do you think the new American Dream should be? #~# Congress debated a number of new American Dreams before choosing a motorcyle-based dream. Which do you think they should have picked?
Anti-Gay Protesters Turn Out In Florida #~# Protesters in Florida waved signs decrying gay adoption for subjecting the children of same-sex parents to horrible, bigoted protesters like themselves.
What's the most exciting discovery made NASA's New Mexico Rover? #~# NASA has embarked on a low-cost exploration of a highway in New Mexico. What's the most exciting item discovered by the rover?
A Closer Look At Biden's New Bodyguards #~# Earlier this week Vice President Joe Biden replaced his traditional Secret Service detail with a team of sexy female bodyguards.  This morning the White House released these bios of the women Biden calls "Joe’s Guardian Vixens."
Message From The Mayor #~# A special message from Mayor Sue Hallinan:
The TuckScreen: Historical Documents Show Dream's Decline #~# People began to give up on the American Dream almost from the time it was created.  Below, a letter from a riverboat porter written in 1901 shows some of the earliest written documentation of an American saying, "Fuck it, what's the point?" The author of the letter is said to have gone on to become a surly, overweight drunkard who spent his days beneath a tree on the banks of the Mississippi River drinking sour mash whiskey and complaining about the humidity.
Help Jeff Gordon Learn To Read #~# Race car driver, Jeff Gordon's new charity organization, Zoom Through Reading, aims to teach Jeff Gordon to read. Guests can attend a star-studded benefit this week to raise money for the cause. Gordon promises that all attendees will have a chance to take a photo with Gordon as well as help him learn the alphabet song.
Damaged Women's Coalition Releases Statement #~# The Damaged Women's Coalition released this statement denying that they marched on the Capitol Friday at 2 a.m. Another statement is expected to be released from the DWC also denying that they broke the windows at the offices of the Younger, Thinner, Self-Assured Women's Coalition after Congress invited the YTSAWC to participate in an upcoming two-day summit on marriage to be held in the Adirondacks.
Do the Damaged Women have a valid complaint against the government? #~# The Damaged Women marched on Washington DC demanding someone listen to them for once. Do you think the they have a valid complaint against Congress?
What are your thoughts on the death of the American Dream? #~# The last person to believe in the American Dream abandoned it Friday. What is your reaction?
Do you agree to have your opinion on Malia's arranged marriage scanned by our thought scanners? #~# The White House is hoping Malia Obama's arranged marriage to a Taliban leader brings a lasting peace in Afghanistan. Do you agree to submit to opinion scanning on this topic?
There And Back #~# Full coverage of this breaking story on Onion News Network, tonight at 10/9c on IFC.
Dish! #~# Full coverage of this breaking story on Onion News Network, tonight at 10/9c on IFC.
Venus & Mars #~# Full coverage of this breaking story on Onion News Network, tonight at 10/9c on IFC.
So Random #~# Full coverage of this breaking story on Onion News Network, tonight at 10/9c on IFC.
30 Love #~# Full coverage of this breaking story on Onion News Network, tonight at 10/9c on IFC.
The Love CEO #~# Full coverage of this breaking story on Onion News Network, tonight at 10/9c on IFC.
The Daily Bump: The Heigl Film Deluge #~# Following this week's freak release of 34 Heigl films, Sony executives were quick to remind the public that the widespread hospitalizations were a result of the sheer amount of Heigl to which the public was exposed. Had the movies been released one at a time, they say, the ill effects would’ve been no greater than the light nausea and confusion which sometimes accompanies with viewing a Heigl vehicle.
Which Katherine Heigl movie are you most worried about being exposed to? #~# Disaster struck Hollywood this week when 34 Katherine Heigl movies were released simultaneously.  Which film are you most concerned about?
Peeping Polly #~# Full coverage of this breaking story on Onion News Network, tonight at 10/9c on IFC.
Report: Anthrax Attacks Could Have Been Prevented #~# According to psychiatric records, the scientist believed to have been responsible for five anthrax-by-mail deaths in 2001 had numerous psychological issues, including an obsession with a sorority. What do you think?
Slow-Thinking Bystander Weighing Pros And Cons Of Pulling Man Out Of River #~# LA CROSSE, WI—Proceeding with great deliberation, bystander Albert Preston carefully considered every possible option Thursday while attempting to discern the best way to respond to the plight of a man who appeared to be drowning in the nearby Black River. "Hold on!" Preston yelled out after thoroughly reviewing the steps of CPR, using landmarks on the shore to estimate the speed at which the current was violently rushing the victim downstream, and performing an honest self-evaluation of his own skill as a swimmer. "How much would you say you weigh?" At press time, Preston was calculating which of five available branches, if any, would be both long enough to reach the drowning man and strong enough not to break during an attempt to pull him to safety, as well as considering what he might say to the man after rescuing him.
Louisville Overcomes Early First-Round Loss To Advance To Elite Eight #~# SAN ANTONIO—After a slow start last Thursday in which they were upset in the first round by 13-seed Morehead State, the Louisville Cardinals have come roaring back in the NCAA Tournament, putting together several dominating performances and advancing to the Elite Eight. "Our guys didn't expect to lose that early, but if anything, that woke us up and made us realize how bad we really want this thing," said head coach Rick Pitino, adding that he was proud of his players for never giving up. "We're right back in it. And though we can't afford to lose too many more games, I've told our players that if we just concentrate on winning out, we can bring a title back to Louisville." In order to advance to the Final Four, the Cardinals will have to defeat a very strong Pitt team, who many analysts have dubbed the "Comeback Kids" for the way in which they rebounded from their early-round loss to Butler.
Criminal Case Of 'USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds' Begins #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Barry Bonds, the San Francisco Giants outfielder who in 2007 capped his 22-year baseball career by becoming the MLB's all-time home run leader, arrived in Courtroom 10 of the Phillip Burton Federal Courthouse at 8 a.m. Monday to appear in Case No. 3:07-cr-00732-SI, USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds.
2011 NCAA Tournament Highlights So Far #~# The first two rounds of March Madness provided more than their share of great drama. Here are the moments that will live on long after the tournament is over:
The Onion News Network #~# IFC
South Dakota Enacts 3-Day Abortion Waiting Period #~# A new South Dakota law requires women to wait three days and attend counseling before having an abortion. What do you think?
Report: NFL May End Lockout By Hiring Scab Owners #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to protect the integrity of the game, commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed Friday that the NFL has considered ending the lockout by hiring replacement owners to run the day-to-day operation of the league's football teams. "We've already found a number of guys off the street who did a little owning in college," said Goodell, adding that many of the leading candidates had previous experience with owning small businesses, condominiums, and used cars. "Our replacement owners might not be as flashy as someone like Al Davis, but they will be just as effective at running a football franchise, handling difficult management decisions, and collecting profits." Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones criticized the possible move, claiming the scab owners wouldn't know anything about the nuances of price-gouging and fucking over fans.
FCC Chief Cites Special Occasion For Allowing Vaginal Penetration On Network Sitcom #~# WASHINGTON—Following a controversial broadcast of CBS's The Big Bang Theory during which vaginal penetration could be seen on-screen for more than a minute, the FCC announced Friday it would not levy a fine against the network, saying the show was "a strong episode," and the cast and crew of the sitcom deserved some leeway to achieve their creative vision. "While the extended full-frontal shot of Howard's penis repeatedly entering Bernadette's exposed vagina is fairly explicit by most network TV standards, we made an exception, seeing as this was the season finale and the scene was sort of necessary to advance the story," said FCC chairman Julius Genachowski, who claimed the show's 8 p.m. airtime meant most kids were probably asleep anyway. "Also, a lot of the funniest jokes wouldn't have made sense without actually showing the act of penetration all the way through to Howard ejaculating, so we figured we'd bend the rules just this once." Genachowski added that it wasn't as if the two characters were smoking cigarettes while they were copulating or anything bad like that.
Time Between Thing Being Amusing, Extremely Irritating Down To 4 Minutes #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—According to a study released this week by Brown University's Department of Modern Culture and Media, it now takes only four minutes for a new cultural touchstone to transform from an amusing novelty into an intensely annoying thing people never want to see or hear again.
U.S. Mortality Rate At All-Time Low #~# In 2009, the mortality rate in the United States fell 2.3 percent to 741 deaths per 100,000. Here are some of the factors behind the nation's lowest-ever death rate: 
NCAA Selection Committee Announces Sweet 16: 'It's The Teams That Won Last Weekend' #~# INDIANAPOLIS—The 10 members of the NCAA Selection Committee reconvened in Indianapolis late Sunday to select this year's Sweet 16 participants, announcing they had chosen the teams that, at the end of last weekend, had won their first- and second-round games. "There were many deserving programs out there, but we decided to go with the teams that won," said committee chairman Gene Smith, noting that because they had been victorious, Duke, UConn, Wisconsin, and the other thirteen selectees would continue playing in the NCAA Tournament, whereas the teams that lost would not. "We know there's going to be some controversy about including Richmond and Butler, but you can't deny that they won. And while we did consider some NIT participants and some other bubble teams, in the end we had to acknowledge that none of them had won any NCAA Tournament games this year." Smith added that committee members would meet again after Friday's games to pick who will play in the Elite Eight, saying they would probably weight their decisions in favor of teams that win in the Sweet 16.
Cover Author Working On Word-For-Word Remake Of 'Moby-Dick' #~# LOS ANGELES—Cover author Gerald Putty told reporters Monday that he is about six months away from finishing a word-for-word rewrite of Herman Melville's masterpiece Moby-Dick, saying that his version will be "utterly true in every way" to the original. "When you cover a novel like this, you're tempted to play with all kinds of things—sentence structure, meter, all the commas," said Putty, adding that fans of the original will be pleased that he retained the same chapter numbers and titles. "I might alter the font a little, but other than that, this book will be a pretty faithful cover." Putty confessed that he has run into a few problems because his spelling is not as good as Melville's, but said he felt no shame falling short of one of the greatest writers of all time.
More Men Getting Plastic Surgery #~# In 2010, 1.1 million men underwent cosmetic surgery, an increase of 2 percent. What do you think?
Deaths Of 20,000 Japanese Afford Planet Solid 15 Minutes In Which Everyone Acts Like A Human Being #~# EARTH—Following the recent earthquake and tsunami that tragically took the lives of an estimated 20,000 Japanese citizens, the planet Earth was afforded a good 15 minutes during which its inhabitants behaved like actual human beings, sources reported.
Everything Is As It Seems #~# CBS
At My Age, I Just Can't Compete With The Younger, Competent Guys I Work With #~# I'm 51 years old, but I might as well be 100 when it comes to my workplace. These days, in a culture that values youth and the ability to competently do your job above all else, it's tougher than ever for an unqualified person my age to get by. How is someone like me supposed to survive in that environment when he's surrounded by younger guys way more capable, adaptable, and hardworking than he is?
Realistic Announcer Shouting How Kevin Durant Making His Last 4 Shots Has No Bearing On Whether He Will Make Next Shot #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Amidst a hot streak Sunday in which Thunder star Kevin Durant hit four field goals in a row against the Raptors, excited and extremely realistic play-by-play man Brian Davis could be heard singing the forward's praises at the top of his lungs while carefully acknowledging that those previous positive results had no statistical influence on future shots. "It seems like he's on fire, but it's more a mathematical anomaly than anything!" Davis yelled, noting that Durant's lifetime field-goal percentage, weighted toward his current season tally, was a better indicator of whether or not he would make the next shot than anything that might be inferred by his hitting four in a row. "Durant pulls up and drains another—essentially the equivalent of flipping a coin five times in a row and getting heads each time! Don't think for a second this streak has to end on the next shot, either; consider each shot a discrete and independent event!" Davis lost his voice late in the fourth quarter while shouting about how the Thunder need to find a way to get the ball in Durant's hands, but only because he is their best player and not because he is in any way immune to the universal phenomena of chaos and randomness.
Senator Baucus Shows Rest Of Congress Where He Found The Dead Body #~# WASHINGTON—Breaking off in the middle of a speech on financial reform Tuesday, Sen. Max Baucus (D-MT) offered to take any member of the assembled Senate brave enough to follow him down to Breakneck Woods to see the dead body he had found. "I went to collect some rocks by Miller Creek this morning, and I saw something in the tall grass," the wide-eyed senator said as he led several members of Congress over a rickety bridge by the quarry right around sunset. "He was just lying down there. His skin was all blue-looking." Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) was later seen taking an inconsolable Sen. John Barrasso (R-WY) over to a nearby tree to calm him down just before the group ran off to hide in an old drainage pipe after seeing oncoming headlights.
New York Tour Bus Dangers #~# After two fatal tour bus accidents occurred in a single week, authorities in New York conducted random inspections in which 14 of 14 buses stopped were taken taken off the road for safety violations. What do you think?
Penguins Coach Assures Everyone That Dazed, Vomiting Sidney Crosby Is Progressing Nicely #~# PITTSBURGH—Following a Tuesday skate-around in which concussed team captain Sidney Crosby practiced for the first time since January, Penguins coach Dan Bylsma told reporters that his star player, who spent the majority of the press conference passed out and only occasionally woke up to vomit, is progressing nicely and should be back on the ice soon. "His recovery is right on schedule," Bylsma said as Crosby quietly slurred a complaint about how bright the lights were, fell into a daze, and began convulsing. "We're seeing some definite signs of improvement. We just have to keep at it until he can stand without assistance." Bylsma claimed the team could expect Crosby to return as early as next week, or when he can remember who he is, where he is, and what hockey is, whichever comes first.
Company's Employees Spend Entire Day Touching Base #~# SEATTLE—According to sources, employees at Gibbons Tech Supply Distribution spent most of Monday touching base. "I'm going to touch base with Kevin on this, and then let's loop Amy in just so we're all on the same page," said Peter McEntire, supervising manager for Gibbons Tech, who spent five of his eight-hour workday touching base with clients via e-mail and CC'ing coworkers. "It's important to make sure everyone's up to speed." Sources re­ported that by day's end, all essential Gibbons employees had been filled in except for assistant sales manager Ted Breskin.
Kasell #~# ABC
Area Man Filled With Sudden Desire To Go Outside And Play Basketball #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—For the first time in "a good year or two now," local man Nelson Greenley, 33, was struck by the sudden impulse to go outside and play some basketball Saturday. "I don't know if it's the the tournament getting started or just the nicer weather, but I could definitely get out there and shoot the rock a little bit," said Greenley, adding that he checked the local community center's website to see what the open-gym hours were just in case he also wanted to play at night. "I bet you Jeff [Sanburn] and Craig [Kearns] would be down to play. We could probably scrounge up a fourth to get some two-on-two going." At press time, Greenley was driving to a Dick's Sporting Goods to purchase an air pump and had placed a call to his mother to see if she still had his old basketball shoes from college, although reports confirmed he'll wind up shooting 32 jump shots alone before getting bored and going inside.
Nuke Fears Spark Potassium Iodide Poisoning #~# Poison control centers are starting to receive calls from people who are experiencing negative side effects from potassium iodide pills ingested due to fear that radiation from Japan will hit U.S. shores. What do you think?
Last Of 2008 Christmas Puppies Euthanized, Marking Start Of Spring #~# NEW YORK—In a familiar sign that spring is just around the corner, animal shelters across the nation announced this week that they have put down the last batch of dogs that were given as Christmas gifts in 2008.
Are You Street-Smarter Than A Street Urchin? #~# FOX
'I Make My Own Hours,' Says Man About To Get Fired #~# NEW YORK—Marketing associate Jack Hilliard has carved out a pretty nice little setup wherein he has the freedom to make his own hours and come and go to work as he pleases, the 41-year-old who is on the verge of losing his job told reporters Monday. "When you've been here as long as I have, you can start to sidestep some of these little office guidelines everyone else has to follow—especially if I get all my work in on time," boasted Hilliard, whose replacement was hired this morning. "It's sort of an unspoken agreement," As of press time, supervisors had scheduled a meeting for 8:30 a.m. tomorrow to fire Hilliard, who confirmed he would be unable to attend due to some landlord stuff that needs sorting out.
Something Wrong With Literally Everything In Apartment #~# SOMERVILLE, MA—According to the residents of 117 Maple St., Unit No. 2, literally every appliance, fixture, surface, and structural feature in their apartment is defective to some degree.
Kelly and Epting's Apartment #~# Within walking distance of public transportation and situated in an up-and-coming area of town, Justin Kelly and Luke Epting's two-bedroom apartment contains a number of minor, albeit notable flaws. Back to article.
The Daily Bump: America Loves Zeljko! #~# As soon as OBC announced that "Former Warlord" star Zeljko Goran had successfully avoided being extradited to the Hague to stand trial for war crimes, the emails started flooding in. Here's just a sampling of the outpouring excitement over "Former Warlord: Season 2":
U-Say: Washington Meets With Real America #~# After years of rising tensions, representatives of Washington and Real America have finally entered diplomatic talks. Here’s what some of our viewers had to say about the summit:
If you have a podcast, how many listeners do you have? #~# Unemployment jumped after the government realized how many Americans listed podcasting as an actual job. If you are among them, how many people listen to your podcast?
Will you be uploading state secrets to the Wanbee site? #~# The popular new social networking site Wanbee allows users to earn points by uploading state secrets. Do you plan to participate?
Should it be legal to shoot anyone you want in the leg without warning? #~# A new law has made it legal to carry a gun at head level, but some critics say this is not enough. Should it also be legal to shoot anyone you want in the leg just in case they're dangerous?
Join The Campaign Against Laura Miller, Spanish Teacher, Traitor #~# With the help of viewers like you, the Onion News Network was able to join the fight of patriot Kyle Johnson and get his Spanish teacher Laura Miller fired. But is firing Senorita Miller punishment enough for poisoning the minds of American high school students with the foreign tongue of illegal immigrants? I don't THINK so. Justice will not be served until Senorita Miller is either deported to Mexico, the country she's actually loyal to, or is made to answer for her crimes in a court of law. That's right, contact your Congressman and tell him that Senorita Miller should be tried for TREASON as an ENEMY of the American Republic.
FEMA Releases BBQ-Related Safety Advisory For Midwest #~# FEMA has just released the following advisory for residents in ord near the deadly BBQ cloud:
Which signs of disease have you detected in Justice Breyer? #~# Washington is buzzing amid rumors Justice Breyer might have an incurable disease, opening up a seat on the Supreme Court during Obama's term. Which signs of disease have you detected in Breyer?
How are you reacting to news of the Midwest's BBQ cloud disaster? #~# The Midwest suffered yet another devastating food related accident this week when factory exploded, sending a cloud of BBQ seasoning over the area. How are you reacting?
Which cow were you rooting for to win the Westminster Cow Show? #~# A Holstein took Best In Show at this week's Westminster Cow Show. Which of these frontrunners were you hoping would win?
Which Afghanistan strike was most critical to winning the war on terror? #~# The Pentagon had a string of military successes in Afghanistan this month.  Which do you think was most important strategically to winning the war on terror?
How To Prevent Shaken Manchild Syndrome #~# Full coverage of SMS, Tonight at 10/9c on IFC.
CIA Contractor Released With Blood Money Payment #~# Raymond Davis, a CIA security contractor employed in Pakistan and held captive for killing two men, was freed after the victims' families were paid around $2.3 million. What do you think?
Quick-Lube Shop Masters Electronic Record Keeping Six Years Before Medical Industry #~# KETTERING, OH—A comprehensive digital cataloging system that keeps track of its customers' car maintenance history, oil-change needs, and past fuel-filter replacements puts Karl's Lube & Go's computerized record- keeping an estimated six years ahead of the medical industry's, sources confirmed Friday. "We figured that a basic database would help us with everything from scheduling regular appointments to predicting future lubrication requirements," said the proprietor of the local oil-change shop, Karl Lemke, who has no special logistical or programming skills, and who described his organizational methods, which are far more advanced than those of any hospital emergency room, as "basic, common-sense stuff." "We can even contact your insurance provider for you to see if you're covered and for how much, which means we can get to work on what's wrong without bothering you about it. The system not only saves me hundreds of thousands of dollars per year, but it saves my customers a bundle, too." Lemke added that he also routinely and politely inquires about his customers' health and well-being, which puts him roughly 145 years ahead of the medical industry.
Office Pool's Low Number Of Bracket Printouts A Reminder Of How Many Employees Were Laid Off Last Year #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Employees at Take 5 Media said the smaller-than-usual stack of brackets printed out Wednesday for this year's NCAA basketball tournament served as a stark reminder of just how many workers have been laid off from the design firm over the past year.
Incredibly Hip NCAA Counter-Committee Ranks Field Of 64 Teams You've Never Heard Of #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Touting it as perhaps their most daring yet nuanced field to date, the NCAA's hip, trendsetting counter-committee released its bracket of 64 obscure alternative tournament teams Monday. "While the mainstream selection committee has, as usual, been droning on and on about Duke and Kansas, not a single one of those unimaginative sheep has paid any attention to what our three-seed Bethune-Cookman brings to the table, or is even the least bit aware of the hypnotic qualities of our at-large bid, Texas–Pan American," said 28-year-old chairman Michael Ley, reminding reporters that the counter-committee was seeding quirky and distinctive Gonzaga way before anybody else had even heard of them. "Somebody might look at our No. 1-overall Radford's 5-24 record and say they don't belong in a postseason tournament, but a record is exactly the kind of thing the majority of America would hold against a basketball team. We really probed deeper into their wonderfully idiosyncratic body of work, and we liked what we found." When asked why the counter-committee didn't choose to expand its field to 68, as the traditional NCAA tournament has, several members laughed, shook their heads, and said that "if you have to ask, you clearly don't get it in the first place."
What's That Noise? #~# ABC
Breaking Down The Tournament's Top Seeds #~# Being a No. 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament doesn't guarantee a Final Four berth, but it does automatically make your team the subject of in-depth analysis. Here are how the top four teams stack up:
Exhausted Studio Has Done All It Can In Terms Of Building Excitement For 'The Lincoln Lawyer' #~# LOS ANGELES—"Profoundly fatigued" executives at Lionsgate Films announced Thursday that they are completely out of ideas in terms of how to promote the Matthew McConaughey legal thriller The Lincoln Lawyer, saying they have been working around the clock for the past two months trying to build enthusiasm for the film. "Between fighting to get William H. Macy on Kimmel, booking a CNN.com live chat with Marisa Tomei, and making sure every highway billboard, bus stop, and building has a poster of Mathew McConaughey sitting on the hood of that goddamn Lincoln, we've simply reached a point where people are either going to see The Lincoln Lawyer or they're not," said Lionsgate executive vice president David Spitz, who hasn't seen his wife in nearly three weeks and "cannot spend one more minute" trying to create buzz on Internet message boards. "We even put the line 'Don't miss Matthew McConaughey's first trip back to the courtroom since A Time To Kill' in the trailer. Maybe that will fill a few seats. Who the hell knows? It's in God's hands now." Summoning one final ounce of strength, Spitz added that The Lincoln Lawyer, starring Matthew McConaughey and Ryan Phillippe, opens in theaters nationwide tomorrow.
Nuclear Energy Advocates Insist U.S. Reactors Completely Safe Unless Something Bad Happens #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to the ongoing nuclear crisis in Japan, officials from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission sought Thursday to reassure nervous Americans that U.S. reactors were 100 percent safe and posed absolutely no threat to the public health as long as no unforeseeable system failure or sudden accident were to occur. “With the advanced safeguards we have in place, the nuclear facilities in this country could never, ever become a danger like those in Japan, unless our generators malfunctioned in an unexpected yet catastrophic manner, causing the fuel rods to melt down,” said NRC chairman Gregory Jaczko, insisting that nuclear power remained a clean, harmless energy source that could only lead to disaster if events were to unfold in the exact same way they did in Japan, or in a number of other terrifying and totally plausible scenarios that have taken place since the 1950s. “When you consider all of our backup cooling processes, containment vessels, and contingency plans, you realize that, barring the fact that all of those safety measures could be wiped away in an instant by a natural disaster or electrical error, our reactors are indestructible.” Jaczko added that U.S. nuclear power plants were also completely guarded against any and all terrorist attacks, except those no one could have predicted.
Study: Every 10 Seconds A Skyscraper Window Washer Falls To His Death #~# NEW YORK—A study released Monday by the Department of Labor found that every 10 seconds, on average, a window washer somewhere in the United States accidentally plummets to his or her death. "One would expect an occasional fatality in this occupation, but our research indicates that whether a rope snaps or a slip-and-trip situation occurs, more than 8,500 window washers are killed each day," said statistician Carl Eberling, adding that during a half-hour stroll through Manhattan, one is likely to see 15 to 25 workers hit the pavement, depending on the neighborhood. "Even with strict safety measures in place, the truth is, it just gets really windy up there." Eberling noted that at Dubai's Burj Khalifa, the world's tallest building, it is not unusual for one window washer to be smashing into the ground while a second flails and screams in midair and a third, somewhere above, is beginning to lose balance.
Millionaires: It Takes $7.5 Million To Be Rich #~# In a recent survey, 42 percent of millionaires said they didn't feel rich and would need assets of around $7.5 million or more to feel wealthy. What do you think?
Keira Knightley Answers Fan Letter Way Too Quickly #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—According to local computer programmer and Keira Knightley fan Tom Hayes, 38, the internationally known English film actress and model responded "much too fast" to the letter he sent just a few days ago.
Representative King's Muslim Hearings #~# Last week, Rep. Peter King (R-NY) held a controversial hearing entitled "The Extent of Radicalization in the American Muslim Community and that Community's Response." Here's some of the information that came out of testimonies given there:
Oxford English Dictionary To Add 'Skype' And 'Coat' To Latest Edition #~# OXFORD, U.K.—Editors of the Oxford English Dictionary announced Tuesday their plans to include the words "Skype" and "coat" in their most recent update of the authoritative reference work. "We are pleased to welcome to the OED these words English speakers have embraced as a way of referring to video conferencing and to a thick overgarment that keeps one's chest warm." Oxford University Press spokesperson Charles Aver told reporters. "So entwined in our language have these vernacular expressions become that it is now commonplace to hear one speak of 'Skyping' a friend or coworker, or of putting on a 'coat' before going outside." While lexicographers have heralded 2011 as "the Year of the Coat," many critics derided the dictionary's slowness to adapt, noting that its 20 volumes still contain no simple verb meaning "to add a layer of paint."
Nuclear Power Companies Hit Hard #~# In the wake of nuclear accidents following the massive earthquake and tsunami in Japan, investors drove down the prices of atomic-energy stocks. What do you think?
Pope To Ease Up On Jesus Talk #~# Pontiff Trying To Be Not So In-Your-Face With That Stuff
The Michael Rapaport Project #~# FX
Off-Season Christmas Tree Lot #~# CBS
Carlos Beltran Has Impressive Day Of Not Falling Apart And Dying #~# PORT ST. LUCIE, FL—Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran, whose past several seasons have been hampered by nagging injuries, had a successful outing Monday, managing to get through a spring training workout without crumbling into a pile of dust and dying. "It was one of his best days in years, because he was still breathing and alive by the end," Mets manager Terry Collins said during a press conference, adding that he was amazed with Beltran's ability to pump blood from his heart to other parts of his body for a whole session of batting practice. "If he's able to take this into the regular season and maybe live for 100 games, that's a big win for this organization." At press time, Mets trainers had confirmed that Beltran had indeed just died.
Official Proclamation Of Cleveland's Ban On Professional Sports #~# After years of wrenching disappointment, the city of Cleveland has finally cast professional sports aside, to be replaced with anything and everything that doesn't emotionally cripple every last citizen.
Athlete-Stalker Bill Ansler Retires At The Top Of The Stalking Game #~# His face has been part of the landscape of all the major female sporting events of the past 25 years: peeking into the locker room at Wimbledon, sneering from the back row at UConn Lady Huskies games, even masturbating right on the ice while Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding engaged in their famous practice skate.
Basketball's Humble Origin As A Diversion For Hated Giants #~# Today, genetic freaks are celebrated as sports heroes.  But giants used to be shunned and feared.  All that changed with the invention of basketball by Dr. James Naismith in 1891.
Former Nun Responds To Release Of Pau Gasol Sex Tape #~# The Lakers are dealing with another distraction as they make their playoff push: the leak of a surreal, expressionistic sex tape starring power forward Pau Gasol.  The woman who filmed and appears in the tape, an ex-nun known only as "H," agreed to write about her experience filming with Gasol:
The Top Moments In OSNY History #~# Since their inception, the OSNY awards have been built on moments: bone-crushing, animal-killing, athlete-humiliating moments. We took a look at the top five on the pre-OSNY Dome tonight, but here are a list of runners-up that are champions in their own right:
Peyton Manning Impersonator Captured After Years Of Endorsing Products #~# Police apprehended Jerry Borgman this week, a 49-year-old contractor who allegedly appeared in dozens of commercials pretending to be Colts quarterback Peyton Manning.  Though Borgman is shorter than Manning and would always refuse to take off his reflective sunglasses on set, he was still able to pose as Manning for at least a year, without being detected by the millions of Americans who saw his ads or purchased products believing them to be endorsed by a Super Bowl MVP.
I Am Glad I'm Only Allowed To Watch The OSNY Awards On Television #~# On Tuesday night, SportsDome is going to go to the OSNY Awards to have a pre-show on the red carpet there.  Normally I go to the OSNYs, because the OSNYs is the best sports awards show on the planet, where all the best celebrities and athletes show up to have a huge sports party.  And I get to hang out with all the stars and the athletes and every year I give my phone number to Eliza Dushku and hope that this is the year that she calls it.  I have gone every year since I got a job at OSN and always get trashed and it is great.
FAN CHOICE: Who gets this year's Bacardi Let Loose Moment Of The Year OSNY? #~# Tune in to live preview coverage of this year's OSNY awards, on SportsDome, 8/7c on Comedy Central.
Tonight In The Dome: OSN Celebrates The OSNY Awards, The Most Glamorous And Award-Filled Night In All Of Sports #~# Iron your tux and take your elegant gowns out of storage!  SportsDome's breaking out the arena-sized formalwear to celebrate the 2011 OSNY Awards — the awards show that makes for the most important, most star-stuffed night in sports!  It's the only night of the year athletes are recognized for their accomplishments with gold statues.  All the biggest celebs and athletes in the sports world will be on hand to celebrate another year of excellence in athletics and broadcasting!
Your Obsessive Love Or Hatred Of Me Means Nothing In The Grand Scheme Of Geological Time #~# As the undisputed No. 1 teen pop sensation in the world, I have become something of a fulcrum upon which the extremes of human emotion pivot. On one side, you have people who have vaunted me to such lofty heights it is tantamount to deification; on the other, my high-spirited song-and-dance routines elicit an almost murderous rage. But, I ask, when viewed within the context of the geologic timescale, wherein chronological development is measured by evolutionary and stratigraphic events over countless eons rather than transitory human experience, what does any of it truly matter?
Dirk Nowitzki Recommends Playing In NBA Games To Friends Taking Road Trip #~# DALLAS—Claiming they would have "so much fun" and "also get to meet some of my NBA friends," Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki enthusiastically recommended playing in NBA games when chatting Monday with several friends who were planning a cross-country road trip. "If you're going to be in downtown Phoenix, you absolutely have to drop in and play the Suns," said Nowitzki, adding that in his opinion, there's no better way to kill time in the Southwestern city. "And I think one of you said you were going to New York, right? Well, you gotta play professional basketball at Madison Square Garden against the Knicks while you're there. There's so much history in that place. Plus, New Jersey is really close, so you can get in a quick game with the Nets. Just don't try to do it all in one day." Nowitzki added that if his friends were looking for a place to stay in Chicago, they could always crash with his buddy Joakim.
Condé Nast Launches 'The New Yorker For Black People' #~# NEW YORK—Facing decreased ad revenue and a moribund print industry, publisher Condé Nast is attempting to capture a greater share of the dwindling magazine market with its launch this week of The New Yorker For Black People. "We believe that a distinguished cultural institution like The New Yorker could be doing a lot more to reach out to black people," editor David Remnick told reporters at a launch party Monday. "This new version will feature the same brilliant essays, cartoons, and sharp, relevant critical reviews, but this time, for black people. Trust us: New York–based black people of all stripes will find something they can enjoy in The New Yorker For Black People." Industry sources reported that if the magazine is a success, Condé Nast may move ahead with plans for other niche publications, including Kurdish Wired and GQ For Men.
State Department Spokesman Ousted #~# P.J. Crowley, a spokesman for the State Department, was forced to resign following comments he made at MIT about the alleged mistreatment of imprisoned Wikileaks source Pfc. Bradley Manning. What do you think?
Highly Anticipated Launches At SXSW Interactive #~# Every year at South by Southwest, companies roll out their latest interactive media. Here's what to look for this year:
Highlights Of Past South By Southwest Festivals #~# A surprise show by the Flaming Lips in 2006 has been hailed as one of the top music-festival highlights of all time. Here are some other SXSW moments that have made history:
How To Become An Internet Music Sensation #~# More and more, bands are recording, releasing, and promoting their music at home using their own computers. Here are some ways a burgeoning musician can make a splash on the Internet:
'Planet Earth' PA Still Trying To Get Release Forms From Every Bird In Serengeti #~# NGORONGORO, TANZANIA—Despite spending several years scouring Serengeti National Park's rolling plains, arid basins, and remote mountaintops, 24-year-old production assistant Rachel Orr is still trying to obtain release forms from every bird that appeared on camera in the BBC's Planet Earth. "It's exhausting work, scrambling from branch to branch hunting for signatures from each three-banded plover, but if we don't cover all our bases, we could end up facing some serious lawsuits," said Orr, attempting to flag down a ruff that was filmed bathing itself for the show's 'Jungles' episode. "It's pretty discouraging when a flock of bustards flies by and doesn't even notice me standing here with the clipboard. But at least I'm not one of the PAs still trying to track down individual fire ants." Orr told reporters she was intentionally saving the elusive magpie shrikes for last since they'd probably be extinct soon anyway.
Human Progenitors Had Barbed Penises #~# According to a study published in the journal Nature, missing chunks of DNA show that human ancestors may once have had barbed penises. What do you think?
NHL Ref Likes It When He Gets To Jump Over Puck #~# CHICAGO—Fifteen-year veteran NHL official Michael Lussenhop confirmed in an interview Sunday that the most satisfying part of his job is when he's backed into a corner and has to grab the boards to leap over the puck to keep from interfering with the game. "Compared with the typical routine of just skating around, it's a nice little treat," said Lussenhop, who added that he never makes the hop too fancy, but simply makes sure he "gets over the puck and lands safely." "The other refs always bust my chops afterward: 'Hey, saw you got to jump over the puck today.' It's all in good fun. We have a good time." Lussenhop went on to explain that every ref's second favorite part of the job is getting to put the goal back into place when it comes loose, while their least favorite is dropping the puck during "stupid, boring face-offs."
Consumers Say Recession Changed Way They Blow Paycheck On Crap #~# WASHINGTON—A survey released Monday by the U.S. Department of Commerce found the nation's weakened economy has drastically changed the way consumers blow their paychecks on useless crap.
Attempt To Meet Different Types Of People Thwarted By Partygoer Who Also Watches 'Friday Night Lights' #~# PORTLAND, ME—Party attendee Richard Silvan's plan to branch out and meet people who would perhaps introduce him to a new hobby or cultural interest was derailed Saturday when the first person he spoke to happened to also be an avid viewer of the NBC football drama Friday Night Lights. "We probably spent about three hours in the kitchen discussing how they resolved things with Matt and Julie and how the show's final season really did a god job of testing the Taylors' marriage," said the 28-year-old paralegal, who, because he was in deep conversation about how he wished Smash Williams would have been brought back for at least one scene in the series finale, failed to meet a humanitarian aid worker who just returned from Africa and a documentary filmmaker. "The guy I was speaking to even looked a little bit like me. It's too bad I never caught his name." Witnesses reported that at one point Silvan briefly interrupted his conversation about how Tim Riggins might be one of the most tragic characters in television history when he mistakenly thought he overheard an attractive woman mention Battlestar Galactica.
Time Cat #~# DISC
What Do U-Say About Mike Brant? #~# Messages of support for GOP candidate Mike Brant have been flooding our inbox. Here's a small sampling:
Report: Danny Ainge Got Tons Of Pussy At BYU #~# PROVO, UT—Following BYU's dismissal of one of its basketball players for having premarital sex with his girlfriend, teammates of former BYU star Danny Ainge confirmed Friday that the shooting guard got shitloads of pussy when he was enrolled at the school, fucking a different girl every night of the week from 1977 to 1981. "'All-The-Way Ainge' was boning chicks constantly. In fact, I remember his dorm room just reeking of pussy," said former BYU center Greg Kite, adding that Ainge was known across campus as "The Pussy Magnet," "The Pussy Vacuum," and "The Pussyhound of the Baskervilles." "In the 1979 NCAA tournament, he bent some woman over the laundry hamper in the locker room and fucked her from behind during halftime. For the rest of the game, whenever he handled the basketball, it smelled like pussy." Former Cougars power forward Fred Roberts recalled that Ainge liked to make women do all the work during sex, a style Ainge often referred to as "putting my cock on cooze control."
School Surprised To Learn Student Committed Suicide Over Pressures Of Intro To Communications #~# MEDFORD, MA—Students and faculty of Tufts University expressed shock Tuesday upon learning that freshman Jennifer Vance took her life due to pressures associated with Introduction to Communications, an undemanding survey class regarded almost universally as an excellent way to pad one's grade-point average. "This sad event, which would be tragic under any circumstances, is that much more so because it was brought about by the most obvious blow-off course in our entire curriculum," said Dean of Students Paul Shelton, noting that instructor Lawrence Deacon basically awards everyone a B-plus "just for showing up." "Had this poor young woman held out a little longer, she would no doubt have realized that the final for the class is a take-home exam with one really easy question you can bullshit your way through in about 20 minutes." Shelton urged all students struggling with stress to take advantage of the school's counseling services, which are available free of charge and can even help with anxiety related to classes where you pretty much watch movies all day.
Town Of Davenport, Iowa Descends Into Hell Following Gay Marriage Ceremony #~# FORMER DAVENPORT, IA—Immediately following the performance of a same-sex marriage ceremony Sunday afternoon at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church on Lincoln Avenue, the city of Davenport, IA and all 99,685 of its residents were reportedly smitten into oblivion by the merciless wrath of God and flung into the deepest bowels of eternal hell.
Should there be restrictions on the types of videos that James Spader can post on SpaderMe.com? #~# Some are calling for greater restrictions on the content James Spader posts on the Spader Me website, especially the videos he posts of himself. Are some Spader videos too disturbing for general viewing?
Do you plan to join the boycott against the 7,219 American foods that contain GoldenMade corn syrup? #~# Many are saying high fructose corn syrup manufacturer GoldenMade is not doing enough to clean up the massive midwest corn syrup spill. Will you boycott the American foods that currently contain their corn syrup, which includes soda, fruit drinks, pasta sauce, ketchup, pizza sauce, barbecue sauce, macaroni and cheese, cold cuts, bacon, sausage, bread, cookies, cakes, rolls, English muffins, granola bars, waffles, pickles, applesauce, yogurt, cottage cheese, salad dressing, chicken strips, french fries, and breakfast cereal?
Duncan Birch's Top 100 Books #~# With the spring reading season upon us, here’s a list of what I consider to be the best 100 of the books I’ve written. (Out-of-print and small-press books can be ordered through me personally.)
As a "real American," which issue is most important to you (and don't lie, because we've electrified your whole house)? #~# Considering that you must tell the truth because if you don't we could send a thousand-volt current of electricity through your walls at any time, which issue is most important to you, the "real American" at home?
Which quality most makes Mike Brant a worthy GOP presidential candidate? #~# Many are naming Mike Brant as a contender for the 2012 presidential ticket. Which quality most makes him a worthy candidate for president?
What will you do now that the FDA announced that Americans are "on their own"? #~# This week the deputy FDA commissioner announced that Americans are "on their own" in regards to dietary regulations. What will you do as a result?
Take The Comic Sans Test #~# Researchers at the Princeton University Center for Brain, Mind, and Comic Sans have made major breakthroughs in discovering why the Comic Cans font is so funny. Read these two sentences and decide which one is funnier:
Did you have any idea that Jude Law was a terrible actor? #~# This week Jude Law surprised the nation by coming out as a terrible actor. Did you have any inkling Law was actually no good?
The Growing Menace Of America's Fat Bitches #~# They're overweight, wear lots of eyeliner, and are always in a foul mood. They're America's fat bitches. One in five citizens reports having been yelled at, complained to, or glared at by one of these corpulent harpies in the past month. Whether at the bank, on the street, or in our very homes, these detestable cunts have somehow managed to gain the upper hand through the sheer force of their hatred for the world. Perpetually holding a cigarette in one hand and a plastic drugstore sack in the other, they impede our entrance to public buildings, ruin our bus rides with their yammering, and smirk at us when we attempt to use an out-of-order ATM machine at the Dairy Queen. So what can you do if you find yourself in the oncoming path of a scowling woman with streaky highlights screaming "that's some bullshit" into her cellphone? How do you to protect your family from being told "you just jealous" by a fat bitch waitress with way too much cleavage? Which measures will prevent your own child from growing into a fat bitch or getting trapped in a relationship with a fat bitch? Watch the special one-hour report on America's Fat Bitches tomorrow night and find out. This is one report you can't afford to miss.
If man is fallible, isn't reason itself fallible, and if so, mustn't this fallibility find a place in our logic? #~# The stock market plunged 1,000 points today on news man is not infallible. But if this is so, isn't reason itself fallible, and therefore, mustn't this fallibility find a place in our logic?
Should Obama write Kim Jong-Il an email expressing his disappointment over North Korea destroying the Asian continent? #~# Some have expressed that the U.S. should take a harder line with North Korea regarding its destruction of the Asian continent. Should the president write Kim Jong-Il a personal email over the matter?
Which of these new Republican darlings has the best chance of becoming the face of the GOP? #~# All eyes are on furniture repairman Mike Brant, the newest star of the Republican party, but there are other frontrunners as well: Trisha Nichols, a 4th grader who wrote an essay about why the Bald Eagle is her favorite animal, and Chester, a puppy who recently defecated on the New York Times. Who do you think will pull ahead?
Will you try to use some of your high school French to speak to President Obama's European friends? #~# Many Americans are saying they will rely on their high school language classes to make a good showing when the French president and First Lady come to visit. Will you try using French?
Libyans Agree To Come Up With Something For Qaddafi To Do All Day In Exchange For Him Leaving #~# TRIPOLI—In an act of reciprocity they called "vital to the future of our nation," the leaders of the rebel uprising in Libya said this week they would come up with something for 68-year-old dictator Muammar Qaddafi to do all day if he agrees to relinquish power. "He's the kind of person who always needs to be busy or else he goes completely stir-crazy, so we'd be willing to find some sort of hobby for him if he consents to leave and let our nation move forward," said rebel leader Ibrahim Aldaali, adding that his group had already secured a large collection of crossword puzzles, a small vegetable garden, and a fleet of old cars for the Libyan leader to tinker with should he finally step down. "The man just needs a project. If he could direct his energy toward something more constructive, maybe he'd discover he doesn't have to spend his whole life subjugating people beneath the iron fist of a despotic regime." At press time, rebels were also considering getting Qaddafi in touch with restless former Tunisian president Zine el-Abidine Ben Ali and having the two men build a chest of drawers together.
Child Makes Useless Gesture To Help Struggling Family #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Having observed his parents falling further into debt and despair since the auto plant where his father worked shut down, 5-year-old Brian Jacobson emptied out his entire piggy bank onto the kitchen table Monday, a worthless offering that will make absolutely no impact on his family's dire financial situation. "Here, Mom, I saved these quarters for the house," said the young Jacobson, eradicating .000002 percent of his parents' next mortgage payment. "You can take my Halloween candy, too. I got some left." Although his remaining four Tootsie Rolls and half dozen Smarties will likely not prevent a foreclosure on the Jacobson's home, the kindergartner will reportedly rescue his family from the brink of bankruptcy next month when he chokes to death on a defective Happy Meal toy.
Subway Now Largest Restaurant Chain #~# Last year, the sandwich chain Subway surpassed McDonald's as the franchise restaurant with the most locations in the world. What do you think?
NFL Players Excited For Looming Work Stoppage: 'Playing Football And Getting Hurt All The Time Is The Worst' #~# NEW YORK—With their collective-bargaining agreement less than a day away from expiring, NFL players expressed Thursday how thrilled they are at the prospect of a season-long work stoppage, saying that suffering near-traumatic injuries week in and week out is pretty much the worst. "Sure, everybody loves the game and the money is great, but have you ever broken both the bones in your shin and been pressured by coaches and fans to play through it? It's really a horrible experience," said players' union head DeMaurice Smith, adding that 12 months without football will spare several hundred men the pain of enduring multiple concussions. "Every single player in the NFL spends several hours a week on a trainer's table or in a hospital. It sucks. To be perfectly honest with you, a lot of players have said privately that they kind of hope we never reach an agreement and football is eventually outlawed." When reached for comment, former Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett expressed his regret that a stoppage like this couldn't have happened four years ago.
BYU Students Protest Brandon Davies' Dismissal By Having Sex All Over Campus #~# PROVO, UT—In response to Brigham Young basketball player Brandon Davies' suspension from the Cougar squad for having premarital sex with his girlfriend, his fellow students have taken to their school's campus en masse, protesting the player's expulsion by engaging in flagrant public sex.
The University Honor Code #~# Brandon Davies' dismissal from the BYU basketball team for honor code violations has drawn attention to the very idea of honor codes. We've outlined some of the more prominent examples for you:
Heavy #~# A&E;
Responsible, Thoughtful Nation Decides To Ignore Charlie Sheen Situation #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling the situation "none of our business" and "not worth a second of our time, quite frankly," a responsible and thoughtful U.S. populace uniformly decided this week to ignore Charlie Sheen's recent outbursts, saying they had far more important things to focus on than a sitcom actor's personal troubles. "When Mr. Sheen's public meltdown began, I immediately recognized how a Hollywood star's crisis could be voyeuristically appealing, which is exactly why I said to myself, 'I am better than that; Charlie Sheen's attention-seeking behavior undermines my intelligence, and the sooner I ignore it, the sooner it will go away,'" said 41-year-old Denver accounts coordinator Margaret Atkins, who along with the rest of the nation has paid no attention to Sheen's situation, and has spent the majority of her time concentrating on the unrest in Libya, the collective-bargaining debate in the Midwest, and the health and well-being of her own family. "Not only have I chosen to ignore Mr. Sheen, but thankfully so has the American media, which has once again shown journalistic decency by only reporting the news that people legitimately need to know." Charlie Sheen was not sought out for comment.
Hey, Man, I Totally Get It; I'd Watch A 2-Hour 'Biggest Loser' Special, Too #~# So, remember how you said earlier that you wanted to devote at least an hour to reading me tonight? Listen, I know you're really tired and everything, and I just want to say, don't worry about it. You can jump in another night. I completely understand—and frankly, I can't say I blame you.
Jon Hamm To Overenthusiastic Fan: 'You're Ruining Me For Everyone' #~# NEW YORK—A visibly exasperated Jon Hamm, star of the hit AMC series Mad Men, announced Monday that overly exuberant fan Marla Parker was ruining him for everybody else by constantly blathering about his talent and good looks. "Take it easy, you're starting to really annoy people," said Hamm, who told reporters he risks a public backlash if Parker keeps mentioning to her coworkers that, in addition to being a gifted dramatic actor, he's also very funny. "I'm not irritating, but people will start to think I am because you're so irritating. People associate me with you now. Please shut up." Hamm closed his remarks by urging Parker to devote her attentions to someone who would appreciate it, such as actor Nathan Fillion.
Pollution May Trigger Heart Attacks #~# An analysis of data by European researchers shows that 7.4 percent of heart attacks are triggered by exposure to roadway smog. What do you think?
Grown Adult Actually Expects To Be Happy #~# NORMAL, IL—According to incredulous sources, local hardware store employee and grown adult human being Rob Peterson, 37, actually expects to be happy in life.
My Band Deadly Chemistry Makes Its Dome Debut #~# Folks, if you were one of the millions of Deadly Chemists that loved that sick backing track to those snowboarding highlights, then you are not alone. I have already gotten six text messages and eight e-mails (five of them not spam) since those hot synth licks tickle-smashed your e-drums. It is the new hotness and I'm expecting the OSN director of programming to reverse his "one-time only" edict any minute now.
China Cracking Down On Foreign Journalists #~# In the wake of the upheaval in the Middle East, the Chinese government has been tracking, detaining, and even beating foreign journalists who have attempted to cover protests there. What do you think?
Hidden Bank Fees #~# As a result of recent regulations prohibiting certain types of account fees, banks are finding new ways to make money from their customers. Here are some of the hidden charges now being applied:
MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players #~# NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant. "We just saw Ryan Spilborghs and Brett Cecil still taking up major-league roster spots and decided we needed to unclutter things a little," said league rep Gerald Norris, who added that Geoff Blum, Ryan Doumit, Lyle Overbay, and Daric Barton all died quickly and painlessly. "There's always a tremendous glut of outfielders and middle relievers that we try to burn off before every season starts, like your LaTroy Hawkinses and Aaron Heilmans and Jonny Gomes and Josh Willinghams. Then there are just so many prospects to keep track of, so we rounded up Kyle Drabek, Desmond Jennings, and Mike Trout and took care of them. Just clearing out the brush." Norris seemed unconcerned that Ryan Howard was among the euthanized, saying only that his name was really normal-sounding.
New Plastic Surgery Technique Makes 40-Year-Old Women Look Like Really-Weird-Looking 38-Year-Olds #~# TAMPA, FL—The American Association of Cosmetic and Plastic Surgeons announced Tuesday the approval of a groundbreaking new technique that will allow an otherwise normal 40-year-old woman to gain the appearance of an incredibly strange-looking waxen-faced woman two years her junior. "New understandings of dermal elasticity and tissue-ironing allow us to subtract dozens of months from a woman's apparent age while simultaneously turning her face into something bizarre and haunting," a press release from the AACPS read in part. "Now women can finally look like a grotesque simulacrum of the age they feel." The AACPS confirmed that its member surgeons would also continue their practice of making human breasts resemble chest-borne hazardous- chemical storage tanks.
Wealthy Swiss Tourist Offers U.S. Government $87 Billion To Buy Indiana's Populace For Just One Night #~# WASHINGTON—Sources on Capitol Hill have confirmed that visiting Swiss banker Maximilian Krieger met privately with President Barack Obama and congressional leaders Friday, offering the U.S. government the equivalent of $87.3 billion for one night with the entire population of Indiana.
OSN's March Madness Dump Your Girlfriend Contest! #~# Want to party with OSN at the Final Four? Feeling ambivalent about your ladyfriend? Well get ready to humiliate two birds with one stone!
Fish Murder Is Disgusting And Wrong #~# Hey folks, real grim Inside the Bench this week on a horrifying subculture of athletes that dare to lure fish in with sharpened hooks designed to look like worms or flies. Brings up some rough stuff from my childhood when my uncle would take me on trips with the express intent of torturing and killing as many fish as we could find.
Sure, Dancing's Okay #~# FOX
Cindy Halcombe And The The Cindy E-Zone #~# As part of the continuing agreement between the Onion Sports Network and ex-intern Cindy Halcombe, here is a court-mandated guest post written by Halcombe.
New Species Of Van Gundy Sheds Light On Development Of Near-Human Ancestors #~# Archaeologists are studying the fossilized remains of a previously undiscovered species of Van Gundy found in Montana this week.  Previously believed to be a subspecies of the Homo genus, scientists now believe Van Gundys are an altogether separate species, which has been living alongside humans and surviving off their refuse since the dawn of civilization.
Excerpt From Tim Duncan's Shocking Autobiography 'My Slam Dunk Life' #~# NBA fans are buzzing after word leaked that, in his autobiography “My Slam Dunk Life,” Spurs forward Tim Duncan would claim to have had supportive friendships with more than 10,000 women in the course of his 14-year NBA career. Here’s a page from the book:
Career Highlights Of Fat Kid Brian Muskeep #~# 10-year old Brian Muskeep was named the Beltline Grill Cardinals starting catcher this week, a natural fit for a player of his unique physical capabilities. Brian slipped on the tools of ignorance after a long, distinguished career as team fat kid, during which time he led his teams in key categories like strikeouts and errors. Here is an incomplete list of the highs and lows of this fat little man's Little League career:
March Madness Officially Underway Following Email From Greg #~# Impatient college hoop fans, the time has come: Greg officially kicked off March Madness by sending out his invitation to his official online bracket pool.  NCAA officials were there to watch Greg send the email, thereby ringing in the biggest month in college sports as he has every year for the past 13 years.
Top Suspects In Shooting Of Obnoxious White Sox Catcher AJ Pierzynski #~# Police are still building their list of initial suspects, a process made more difficult by many of those questions loudly insisting they "wished they killed the loudmouth bastard."  Here are some of the most promising leads:
Nation Savoring Every Moment Of Glorious Late-February, Early-March Days #~# WASHINGTON—Saying there are only a few days left to relish the steel-gray skies, dirt-caked melting snow, and still-freezing temperatures, citizens across the country are reportedly taking the time to savor every last moment of 2011's late-February, early-March days. "It's my favorite time of year," said 42-year-old Cleveland resident Meredith Polonsky, adding that she loves stepping outside and smelling the thawing dog shit nobody bothered to pick up during the winter, as well as going to the park, avoiding all the places where the ground is too wet, and going home early because the high winds make her eyes hurt. "Also, I love that the days are getting longer, but still aren't long enough to actually do anything. It's really magical." According to a CNN/New York Times†poll, a majority of Americans are hoping for just one more night where a slushy, rain-snow mix forces them to stay inside and watch another Milwaukee Bucks–Indiana Pacers regular season basketball game.
Tonight In The Dome: Latest From The NFL Labor Talks and Tim Duncan's Claim That He Has Had Over 10,00 Platonic Relationships With Women #~# Spring training, the NFL labor crisis and March Madness are fighting it out in the trenches, and only the Dome has the heavy-duty Sports-Treads you need to blast through enemy lines and make the world safe for sports again.  Alex Reiser and Mark Shepard lead the way as the SportsDome rips up the countryside and takes back the Rhineland in the name of sports purity.
Jim Joyce Accidentally Deletes Book He's Writing With Armando Galarraga #~# NEW YORK—As umpire Jim Joyce and pitcher Armando Galarraga completed the writing of their book, Nobody's Perfect, Monday afternoon, Joyce accidentally highlighted the entire document and hit the delete key, thereby destroying all 240 pages of text. "I just cost that kid the whole book," a teary-eyed Joyce said to a group of reporters, adding that up until the end, the writing was going perfectly. "I was sure I put my finger where the period key was, I swear. But it was the delete key. It was the biggest moment of both of our writing careers, and I blew it." Though Galarraga forgave Joyce rather quickly, the umpire insisted on crying for a few more hours.
West Virginia Celebrates As 32 Die In Non-Mining-Related Accident #~# CHARLESTON, WV—News that a fiery bus crash on Interstate 79 had killed 32 passengers was greeted with cheers and sighs of relief Friday, as West Virginia's 1.8 million residents gave thanks that their fellow citizens had perished in a catastrophe not involving a mine-shaft collapse, a mine explosion, or any other subterranean disaster. "This truly is a bright new beginning for our state," Gov. Earl Ray Tomblin said at a ceremony honoring the state's largest non-mining-related loss of life in a generation. "Today, we can all be proud to call ourselves West Virginians." A coroner's report later confirmed that 29 of the dead were miners returning home from work.
Young Adults, Teens Having Less Sex #~# According to a survey by the Guttmacher Institute, the number of teens and young adults who report they've never had intercourse has risen substantially. What do you think?
Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11 #~# ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11. "The 27 wins are largely due to [the team's] 15th best goals per game average," said the Thrashers source, adding that the teams’ ranking 9th in power play percentage was also a factor. "But the 28 losses are likely the results of allowing 3.25 goals per game." When pressed with further questioning, sources confirmed that defenseman Tobias Enstrom leads the team with 40 assists.
U.S. Forces Take Over Key Afghan City That Will Be Retaken By Taliban When Marines Leave #~# KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN—After U.S. Marines secured several government centers, markets, and fuel depots in Kandahar Tuesday, the Pentagon announced that the Afghan city had been liberated from the Taliban until the inevitable withdrawal of U.S. forces results in the Islamic extremists once more regaining control. "This is a great temporary and ultimately shallow victory for us and for the citizens of Kandahar," Gen. Alan Smith said. "America is committed to momentarily displacing extremism until such a time that the world is no longer paying attention to our occupation and we can go home." Gen. Smith went on to say that the training of the Afghan police force and army was also a success, boasting a 15 percent rate of soldiers not defecting to the Taliban as soon as they had weapons.
Phil Collins Retires #~# In an interview with FHM magazine, Phil Collins announced his retirement from music. What do you think?
Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To Fuck Up Every Time #~# BALTIMORE—Neurologists at Johns Hopkins University confirmed Monday they remain completely baffled by Rockville, MD resident Erik Collins, a man who possesses an extraordinary and previously undocumented ability to fuck everything up.
Our Miss Reno Investigates #~# PBS
Peewee Football Player Retires To Spend More Time With His Mom And Dad #~# FERNDALE, MI—After a storied three-month career as the starting running back, the third-string safety, and, when Billy's grandfather died, the punter for peewee football's Ferndale Jets, Jacob Banks, 10, announced Saturday afternoon he was retiring in order to spend more time with his mom and dad. "As much as I like talking to my friends out on the field and eating the pizza after Friday practices, I don't want to be the kind of kid who grows up never knowing his parents," Banks said at a press conference held at the big rock behind the recreational center, adding that he loves his mom and dad very much. "Family comes first for me, and my parents need me around to harass my older sister and break all the electronics in the house." Sources said the announcement took parents Rick and Laura Banks by surprise, as they had reportedly gotten used to enjoying six hours away from their son each week.
Area Man's Biggest Accomplishment Not Ever Killing Anyone With His Car #~# HAMPSTEAD, NH—In his 36 years of life, Gary Widmer's greatest contribution to humanity has been not causing any fatalities while behind the wheel, sources close to the Hampstead man confirmed Thursday. "Overall, I've got a lot to be proud of: I worked my way through college, I'm a good friend, I have a solid job," said Widmer, whose most enduring† deed thus far is never having sent a pedestrian rolling over his hood or slamming his car into a bus full of schoolchildren. "And I try to give back to the community, too." Widmer is currently awaiting trial for the deaths of three teenagers in a boating accident.
The Suite Life Of Zack & Cody #~# DISNEY
Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs #~# GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.
Which award does Brooke Alvarez's new book "Alone In The Herd Of Fools" more deserve to win? #~# This week Brooke Alvarez's new book "Alone In The Herd Of Fools," written during Brooke's recent six-day cruise to Mykonos, hits bookstores. Which of these awards do you think it deserves to win?
Which Joe Biden would you rather have a beer with? #~# Amid discussion of Obama's replacement by an impostor, Joe Biden's impostor is also in the news. Which Biden would you rather sit down and have a beer with?
Police Release Michael Bay's Notebooks #~# Earlier today the LAPD made public these images of pages from Michael Bay's personal notebooks, which contain blueprints for Mr. Bay's numerous bizarre violence-fetish films such as "Bad Boys 2" and "Pearl Harbor."
Should American employees also be allowed scream in the copy room for three minutes a day? #~# Is six minutes of crying now guaranteed to workers enough to quell the frustration of the average American feels or should there be an addendum that allows for employees to also scream in the copy room for another three minutes a day?
Which Obama do want in office? #~# Following the discovery that the real President Obama was kidnapped and replaced by a weak-willed impostor, many citizens are saying they would rather keep the fake Obama in office since the nation is already used to him.  Which Obama do want in office?
Pennington Gay Pride Day - Schedule Of Events #~# 8:00 AM: The Gay Pride Planning Committee (Mayor Sue Hallinan, Nurse Jill, Megan, Ashley Pottsdale, and the Trapper Twins) invites you to the Kroger parking lot to help decorate the gay floats and assemble balloon rainbows.
What do you think of Michael Bay's attack on LAX? #~# Critics are buzzing about Michael Bay's horrific attack on Los Angeles International Airport. How would you rate it?
Will lower dating standards be enough to get your ugly friend Karen paired off? #~# The nation's dating standards were officially lowered today.  Will it be enough to finally get your ugly friend Karen paired off with someone?
High Fructose Corn Syrup Spill: Timeline Of A Tragedy #~# It has now been 48 hours since an explosion ripped through the massive GoldenMade corn syrup factory in Leon, Iowa and sent over a million gallons of high fructose corn syrup spilling into the surrounding environment.  Below is an hour-by-hour timeline of the events:
Now that the U.S. Dating Standards have been readjusted, what's your ideal first date? #~# Dating standards have been lowered for the first time in decades, bringing millions of previously unacceptable mates onto the market. Now that the rates been readjusted, what's your ideal first date?
Should teachers be eliminated and replaced by dogs trained to press "play" on DVD players loaded with a single, long educational video? #~# In order to cut budgets, some states are switching to a "one teacher per school" plan which will increase average class sizes to 1,000 students. However, critics of the plan say that in order to truly reduce deficits all teachers should be eliminated and students should be taught by dogs trained to press the "play" button on DVD players loaded with a very long educational video.  Do you agree?
Quiz: Is Your Weight Keeping You From Getting Drunk? #~# This blog entry is reprinted with permission from the Department of Health and Human Services.
Tips For Dating In The Current Market #~# If you're single, there's never been a better time to look for someone special. Dating standards are at record lows, which means it's a daters market! Here are a few tips on how to meet a romantic partner with the new lower dating standards:
The New VP Uniform #~# The Office of the Vice President released these photos of the new uniform designed for and by Joe Biden:
U-SAY Responses To Scandalous Horse Spread #~# Juniper, the mare implicated in an affair with Congressman Ronald North, has agreed to do a four-page spread in Stud Farm magazine.  What do U think?
Obama's Life In Captivity #~# A document leaked to the internet earlier today, supposedly containing the results of Obama's first interview with FBI agents, contains numerous new details about the president's life of solitude. According to the document:
Should someone tell Conair to recall their pulsing, handheld showerheads too? #~# Conair recently recalled their line of wand massagers after realizing it was being used inappropriately. Should someone tell Conair to go ahead and recall their pulsing, handheld showerheads too?
The TuckScreen: My Life As A Tween Icon #~# I'm getting a lot of compliments for making the cover of Teen People (posted below).  I'm stumped as to what it is about me that tweens find so appealing, but I'm happy that it has brought me so many exciting opportunities. Most recently, I was asked to voice a character for a new cartoon show called Yuki Ki Yuki Battle Zoom.  It's an "anime," which is a kind of Japanese cartoon that is very popular with tweens these days. I'll be playing a robotic wolf who helps a young boy in his eternal fight against something called The Six Earth Spirits.  I'm not exactly sure what my character's role in the battle will be, but I'm sure it's going to be fun!
Wand Massager Recalled For Inappropriate Use #~# The Onion News Network obtained this transcript of the Conair annual stockholders’ meeting which led CEO John Haller to recall the company’s popular wand massager:
WATTAHELL YA THINKA TH INCOMPREHENSBLESHOUTING BILL? #~# HEYAFUCKER WHYN'T YA SAYWHAT YA THINKA TH INCOMPREHENSBLESHOUTING BILL. YAJUST GONNA SITHERE SHIT?!?
New iPhone Application Tracks Progress Of Deceased Loved Ones' Decomposition #~# CUPERTINO, CA—According to its description on the Apple App Store website, Decomposhop, a new application that allows users to track the putrefaction of their deceased loved ones in real time, will be available for download by grieving iPhone owners starting Tuesday. "Decomposhop lets you import open casket photos, enter a date of death, and then watch over time as the face of a friend or family member slowly shrivels up beyond recognition," read a description of the product, which applies a decay algorithm to replicate the deterioration of human remains from bloat to liquefaction to dry rot. "With this revolutionary, fully iPhone 4 compatible app, you can see if your father is still wearing the suit you buried him in and receive customized alerts when the bones really start to poke out. $3.99." Developers told reporters that an iPad version with enhanced graphics and optional olfactory simulator will be out in time for Christmas.
Texas Immigration Bill Includes Domestic-Worker Loophole #~# The Texas Legislature is considering a bill that would imprison anyone who knowingly hires an illegal alien, except in cases where the employee is a maid, landscaper, or other household worker. What do you think?
ESPN Doesn't Have Heart To Tell John Clayton He Has Never Actually Appeared On Television #~# BRISTOL, CT—Though they first pointed a camera at the NFL writer more than 15 years ago as a prank, producers at ESPN still cannot bear to tell John Clayton they have never actually put him on television. "It's heartbreaking to watch him standing outside in the snow at one of these stadiums, trying to keep his wispy mound of hair in place, waiting for his big chance to speak in front of a camera that isn't even rolling," said ESPN executive Kathryn Rich, adding that in order to make Clayton think he is on the air, producers will often have an intern pose as an ESPN anchor and ask him follow-up questions. "I don't know why he ever believed we would actually put a guy like him on TV, but it's too late now." To keep the ruse going, ESPN officials were forced to arrange a mock induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame for Clayton four years ago and are still paying Clayton's wife, a prostitute they hired in 1996, to tell him how good he was on television that particular night.
Derek Jeter Rejects Move To Outfield By Reminding Yankees That He's Derek Fucking Jeter #~# TAMPA, FL—During a post-workout press conference at the Yankees spring training facility Thursday, shortstop Derek Jeter once again rejected the idea of moving from shortstop to center field, citing the fact that he's Derek fucking Jeter and he'll play whatever fucking position he wants.
Famous Offseason Workout Regimens #~# The truly great athletes have always spent the time between seasons making sure they're in peak condition. Here are the workout routines of some of the best:
NOVA #~# PBS
Ask A Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party #~# Dear Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party,
Report: Crane Operator Last Remaining Fulfilling Occupation In U.S. #~# WASHINGTON—A report released Tuesday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed that crane operator is the last career in the United States that offers personal fulfillment. “With its flexible hours, surprisingly high pay, and clear sense of what the job’s goal is and how to accomplish it, crane operator easily ranks above every other American profession in terms of basic worker satisfaction,” read the report, which also noted that the occupation is the only remaining job that does not fill workers with a sense of deep malaise or existential angst. “Every single documented utterance of the phrase ‘I love my job’ over the past 10 years has occurred in a crane.” The report also indicated that the career next closest to offering any sense of gratification was tugboat captain, as people with that job get to watch seagulls and only entertain thoughts of suicide three times a week.
Huckabee Claims Obama Grew Up In Kenya #~# In a radio interview, former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee wrongly stated that President Obama grew up in Kenya with his Kenyan grandfather. What do you think?
Al-Qaeda Recruiting Suicide Bombers With Promise Of Halfway Decent Job In Afterlife #~# WASHINGTON—Intelligence officials said Tuesday that al-Qaeda is recruiting a new generation of suicide bombers with assurances that martyrs will be rewarded in the afterlife with a halfway decent job, benefits, and a 401(k) plan.
CNN Anchor Interviews Al Jazeera Anchor Who Interviewed Libyan Rebels #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to provide viewers with an authentic, first-person account of conditions on the ground in Libya, CNN news anchor Kyra Phillips conducted an exclusive, one-on-one interview Tuesday with the Al Jazeera news anchor who interviewed leaders of the uprising. “What can you tell us about what they told you about what the situation is like for them right now?” asked Phillips, going directly to the source of the Arab news network’s extensive on-air discussions with key figures in the rebellion. “’This fight for freedom has come at a great cost to you,’ is what I imagine you said to them, correct?” CNN has announced it will continue its firsthand reporting on the chaos in Tripoli’s streets from its bureau in Cairo, more than 1,000 miles away.
How Illegal Immigrants Cross The Border #~# Last week, in one of its largest arrests in the past year, U.S. Border Patrol agents apprehended 128 individuals suspected of illegally entering the country from Mexico as a single group. How are immigrants crossing into the United States?
DeMarcus Cousins Worried He Might Have Locker Room Cancer #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Sacramento Kings center DeMarcus Cousins was frantic before the team's home game Monday, fearing that he might have locker room cancer. "Feel under my shoulder blade, tell me if you feel a lump," Cousins said to teammate Luther Head, adding that he'd heard locker room cancer spreads faster than any other type of cancer and that once you contract it "that's pretty much it." "I'm pretty sure my grandmother died of locker room cancer. Her high school field hockey team used a locker room like every day. So it runs in the family is what I'm saying." As of 2010, locker room cancer remained the leading cause of death among the nation's professional and amateur athletes, claiming 582 lives in the month of December alone.
Dwarf Actor Assured Guest Spot On 'How I Met Your Mother' Will Not Be Demeaning #~# LOS ANGELES—After being cast in an episode of the sitcom How I Met Your Mother, 4-foot, 6-inch-tall actor Craig Holsapple was assured Monday that the role would treat his height matter-of-factly and not in any way that would be degrading. "You'll be playing a doctor, all very professional and respectable, and after Neil Patrick Harris—who is your patient, and he's your patient because he wants the best doctor, mind you—anyway, after Neil says something about the tall blond nurse, you get angry at him because she's your wife," executive producer Carter Bays told Holsapple, who remained absolutely silent throughout the meeting. "Trust me, it has nothing to do with your height. The part pays $1,800." Holsapple was also assured that "normal-size" doctors were thrown through windows all the time and that, in any case, "a tiny little mannequin" would be used for that shot.
Last American WWI Veteran Dies #~# Frank Buckles, the last living American World War I veteran, died on his West Virginia farm at 110. What do you think?
Postal Service Celebrates Another Awesome Day Of Delivering Mail #~# ‘We Did It Again, You Guys,’ Jubilant Postmaster Declares
iTube #~# G2
Vin Scully: Broadcaster, Los Angeles Dodgers #~# The legendary voice of the Dodgers has been broadcasting games since 1950, and he's seemed old since at least 1982.  The beloved Scully looks oddly waxen, like a doll under hot stage lights, but his face has been noted to turn incredibly red when he speaks or otherwise exerts himself, leading many to fear for his life constantly.
'Born Ugly: The Willie McGee Story' Comes Under Fire #~# Former Major Leaguer Willie McGee is suing the producers of "Born Ugly: The Willie McGee Story," the new film loosely based on McGee's life, about an young man who makes his baseball dreams come true despite a face like a disaster area.  Praised for its heartrending portrayal of a man torn between his love of the grand stage and his unshowable face, and a gripping performance by actor Dulé Hill wearing several heavy pounds of head-disfiguring makeup, the movie is now up in the air due to McGee's lawsuit.
Andy Reid: Head Coach, Philadelphia Eagles #~# Though he has shown few signs of physical deterioration, medical experts are unanimous that no man should weigh as much as Andy Reid does.
Nick Johnson: DH, Free Agent #~# Last seen ripping up his wrist for the New York Yankees, Johnson has been unable to catch on with another MLB team, presumably because another one of his soft, meaty tendons would rip were he to so much as roll out of bed.
Muhammad Ali: Legendary Former Boxer #~# This list could have been filled with boxers, present and past, who had their wits punched out and their joints turned to stone after decades of punishment in the most brutal "sport" on the planet.  But the one who stands above them all is Muhammad Ali, considered by many to be the greatest heavyweight in boxing history, and the most decrepit man in the United States.
Charlie Manuel: Manager, Philadelphia Phillies #~# With his shock of white hair and hunched, birdlike walk, Manuel's decrepitude is further enhanced by his outdated theories about baseball.
Tim McCarver: Broadcaster, Fox #~# McCarver broadcasts baseball for Fox weekly, despite his failing body and viewers' general sense that he doesn't know where he is at any given point in time.
The Importance Of Pedophiles To The High School Girls Field Hockey Landscape #~# OnionSportsNetwork.com cedes space to guest blogger and pedophile Terry Parker to explain why the recent uniform changes at the Radbourne Academy are an insult to pedophiles everywhere:
Gene Keady: Assistant Coach, St. John's #~# The longtime Purdue coach, now serving as a special assistant under Red Storm coach Steve Lavin, is notable for his roundness, lumpiness and the combover that sits atop his pock-marked face.
Yao Ming: Center, Houston Rockets #~# Entering the league at 7'6" with a clumsiness common to people his size, the Chinese icon looked decrepit even before his body started falling apart and the bones in his foot started splitting and cracking every time he took a step.
Toad On The Road! #~# Last year we strapped the Toad down to the back of a flatbed truck and brought him all over America, and it went so well (lawsuits pending) that we decided to truck him back out! See if he's stopping by a town near YOU!
Chris Bosh's Frightening Night Locked In A Hot Car #~# Police were called to a Miami-area nightclub late last night to respond to reports that Heat forward Chris Bosh was left alone in a hot car for hours while his teammates LeBron James and Dwyane Wade partied inside, without a thought to their highly-paid sidekick.  Experts are now saying that the Heat are likely to lose custody of the vulnerable Bosh, an outcome made more likely by the duo's history of neglecting Bosh and their other teammates.  Here are some of their most notorious incidents of neglect:
OSN's Most Decrepit Men In Sports #~# Though most sports coverage focuses on the athletic and healthful, many of sports' most celebrated figures are old and decrepit.  Click below to view OSN's picks for the most decrepit men in sports:
Greg Oden: Center, Portland Trail Blazers #~# Oden was the number one overall pick in the 2007 NBA Draft before missing his entire rookie season because his body is falling apart.  His age is unknown, although he made this list less for being old and more for being in a constant and tragic state of disrepair.
The NFL's History Of Military Action #~# Word has come down that the National Football League has launched a series of missiles into a Cambodian factory/elementary school thought to be fabricating unlicensed NFL merchandise. Though the death toll in the factory has reached into the hundreds, many of them children, it is far from the bloodiest day in the long, brutal history of the NFL.
Jim Calhoun's History Of Breaking The Rules And Wasting Away #~# Jim Calhoun was hit hard by sanctions this week after the NCAA found he committed recruiting violations by telling high school recruits he was nothing more than a pitiable old man who is going to die soon.   The NCAA collected evidence for months in the process of investigating these charges.  The 30-page notice of allegations included transcripts of phone calls Calhoun had with prospective recruits:
Jim Calhoun: Head Coach, Connecticut Huskies #~# Calhoun has recently come under fire with the NCAA for being a decrepit old man who tricked students into attending UCONN because they felt bad for him as a result of his incredible age.
State Dept. Asks U.S. Citizens In Libya What The Hell They Were Doing In Libya #~# VALLETTA, MALTA—State Department officials charged with evacuating nearly 200 Americans from Tripoli last week shepherded the U.S. citizens aboard a ferry, assessed their need for any special medical attention, and then asked them what the hell they were doing in Libya in the first place. "We are pleased these Americans are now out of harm's way, but, really, why would anyone want to go to Libya?" a U.S. official told reporters, offering a list of more than 20 countries that are safer, more fun, and "just seem like more logical places to take a vacation" than the repressive North African country. "Frankly, we're not quite sure what there is to do in Libya. Walk around? Go sightseeing? If you’re gonna spend that much money on a plane ticket, why not just go to Rome? It's beautiful this time of year." Secretary of State Hillary Clinton later released a statement telling all Americans considering a vacation in the Congo that if getting beheaded is their idea of a fun time, then by all means.
New Facebook App Tells You Suitors Waiting #~# WaitingRoom, a new Facebook application, lets users in a relationship know when other people become interested in them romantically, revealing these secret admirers' identities only when users switch their status to "single." What do you think?
Wish Zone Returns With The Story Of A Boy Who Doesn't Let Wheelchair Stop Him From Beating Boy Who Accidentally Paralyzed Him #~# Grab your tissues and get ready to weep, because tonight at 8/7c SportsDome returns with another chapter in the most inspiring sports-wish granting volume on television: The Wish Zone.
76ers Ask Knicks If They Want To Be In Rivalry With Them #~# PHILADELPHIA—Considering the teams share a division, come from major metropolitan areas in relative proximity to one another, and the fact that it would just be nice to have a little something extra to play for, the Philadelphia 76ers reportedly asked the New York Knicks to be their rivals Monday. "Could be kind of fun, right?" said 76ers forward Elton Brand, adding that his team can be the rivalry's underdog or vice versa, it doesn't really matter to him. "I don't know, maybe during our next game one of us can foul you hard, and then you can get up in our faces and taunt our fans later on in the game? It doesn't matter how it starts. We'll make sure to say we hate you at the post-game press conference. You know, like a rivalry. We think people are really going to get into this." Upon seeing new Knicks star Carmelo Anthony walk into the room, the 76ers pushed a reluctant Andre Iguodala up to him and forced Iguodala to brashly guarantee a win the next time they play.
Greyhound Now Charging Customers $15 Fee To Vomit In Aisle #~# DALLAS—Greyhound passengers accustomed to complimentary vomiting in the aisles will now be charged a $15 fee to do so, company representatives announced Monday. “In order to better serve our customers in the future, we have instituted a small surcharge for those needing to empty their stomach down the center walkway,” said spokesman Don Randall, adding that once riders wipe themselves off, they can pay with any major debit or credit card. “We recommend passengers wishing to avoid paying the fee puke on one of the chairs in the terminal beforehand.” Despite the new changes, Randall assured customers that masturbating under a bulky winter coat would always be free.
Tonight In The Dome: Chris Bosh Left In A Hot Car By His Teammates, The NFL Bombs A Bootleg Merchandise Factory, And The Wish Zone Gives A Paralyzed Kid A Shot At Revenge #~# Spring training, the NCAA bubble, basketball and hockey's stretch run: the sports world is a whirling vortex and the SportsDome is the only spaceship with the proper magnetic resonance to cut through the high-frequency interference. Hop aboard the Good Ship SportsDome with your captains Alex Reiser and Mark Shepard as they guide you past the black holes and quasars and into the Class M planets hospitable to sports.
Dodgers Playing Extra Hard In Hopes Of Bringing Mom And Dad Back Together #~# LOS ANGELES—Dodgers players told reporters Friday they have been playing harder than usual the last few weeks in hopes of reuniting their parents—Frank and Jamie McCourt. "Maybe if we keep hitting homeruns, it'll make them realize how much they miss us and love us and then they'll come back," said outfielder Andre Ethier, who credited his 23-game hit streak and .379 batting average to "missing Mom and Dad real bad." "We're all going to try extra hard tonight because we forged apology letters to and from our parents and told them to meet at the game. Casey [Blake] reserved their tickets. Gosh, I hope this works." Several players confessed they want the McCourts to take notice of their winning ways sooner rather than later, as none of them liked the creepy adoptive father who keeps telling them to just call him "Bud."
Police Officers Waving Everyone Over To Take A Look At What Happened To This Guy #~# PHILADELPHIA—Responding to reports of a beating on the 4600 block of Jefferson Blvd. Tuesday, officers quickly cordoned off the crime scene, determined that the victim had been brutalized to an unusually extreme degree, and began ordering bystanders to come see this shit for themselves, eyewitnesses said. “All right, folks, something for you to see here, check this out,” said patrolman Brian Pearson, who arrived on the scene and instructed onlookers to “just push past that yellow tape there for a better look.” “Don’t worry, the dude’s still alive. Yeah, his cheek’s totally torn away, but where’s the rest of his teeth? Seriously, what do you think happened?” Police have already detained several witnesses in order to further question them on whether they’ve ever seen anything so fucked up in all their lives.
Man Raised By Parents Struggling To Adjust To Human Society #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Two years after his discovery by a team of developmental psychologists, David Sullivan, a man raised by a pair of mated parents, is still struggling to adapt to normal human society, sources confirmed Friday.
ESPN Draft Butcher Breaks Down 2011 Draft's Top Running Back Into Roasts, Steaks #~# NEW YORK—In a new segment during Thursday's 2011 NFL Draft broadcast, ESPN draft butcher Donnie Stoeger evaluated running back Mark Ingram by breaking down the Alabama star into rib roasts, filet mignon, T-bone steak, and strip loin. "I really like how this Ingram kid looks—tender, lean, but with good marbling, nice filets," said Stoeger, adding that for a late first-round pick Ingram would definitely provide a team with jaw-dropping cuts of meat. "I'm not impressed with the consistency of Virginia Tech's Ryan Williams, though. He's the kind of back I'd used sparingly for ground chuck. I do think, however, that someone should snag John Clay in the fourth round, put him in the freezer, and thaw him out later in the season when it gets colder and a team wants something hearty and strong to stew up." The ESPN draft butcher later fed host Chris Berman some sausage made from California running back Shane Vereen.
Obama Finishes Deal To Get Every American A Free Parrot #~# WASHINGTON—After months of tense bipartisan negotiations, President Barack Obama announced Monday he had secured a deal to provide every man, woman, and child in the United States with a parrot. "These are beautiful animals that can live up to 80 years and are very smart," said Obama, feeding sunflower seeds to a blue and yellow macaw he referred to as General Parrotraeus. "At a time when there is so much dividing us as a nation, we must never forget that there are some things every American can cherish. You will enjoy these birds." A press release from the White House stated that while no food or cages would be provided, citizens who already own a bird may opt out with proof of parrot.
Budget Cuts Shutter Alien Search #~# Due to budget cutbacks, the radio telescope arrays at the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) Institute have been shut down since Apr. 15. What do  you think?
18,000 People Cheer Thing Going Through Thing #~# NEW YORK—A capacity crowd of 18,000 sports fans erupted into wild cheers and applause Thursday when a thing traveled through another thing.
Saving The Dodgers #~# In an effort to get the Dodgers back on track, Major League Baseball has seized control of the mismanaged franchise from bankrupt owner Frank McCourt. Some of the changes that MLB plans to make:
Production Of 'Iceman Cometh' Canceled Due To Entire Cast Getting Called Back For Axe Body Spray Commercial #~# LOS ANGELES—An upcoming production of Eugene O'Neill's 1946 drama The Iceman Cometh, a complex meditation on the futility of the American Dream, was canceled Tuesday when every single cast member was called back for an Axe body spray commercial. "The character of Hickey is one of the finest-written roles in American drama, but Axe called and you can't pass that up," said actor Evan Weiss, who studied at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, has always wanted to play the lead in The Iceman Cometh, and has the perfect physique for the 30-second Axe spot. "This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." The commercial's casting call for its "Lick 'Em If You Got 'Em" edible body spray campaign also dis-rupted work at multiple restaurants and theme parks, and has halted production on Mandy Patinkin's current one-man show, Mandy.
Couric Leaving CBS News #~# Katie Couric told People magazine that, after five years as anchor of CBS Evening News, she was leaving the position. What do you think?
Silicon Valley Town Pinning Tourism Hopes On World's Largest Website #~# SUNNYVALE, CA—The wonder in 8-year-old Hayley Dunbar's face as she stares out over what locals claim is the world's largest website makes it easy to understand why she and her father, Tom, drove all the way from Eugene, OR to see it.
Al-Qaeda: Latest Missile Attack Bears Hallmarks Of U.S. Military #~# MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN—At a press conference Monday, al-Qaeda spokesman Abu Musab al-Madani stated that last week’s missile attack on a terrorist hideout in Pakistan’s North Waziristan region bore all the hallmarks of the United States military. “While the investigation is still ongoing, we can say that the timing of the strike, the sophistication of the explosive device, and the fact that it came from a predator drone are all consistent with previous confirmed attacks by American forces,” said al-Madani, who noted that the terrorist organization had also received an anonymous tip alleging that the U.S. military was in the advanced stages of plotting one of its regular weekly attacks on al-Qaeda soil. "Additionally, the United States has already taken credit for the assault in the American media, though they have significantly underreported the number of civilian casualties.” Al-Madani went on to state that the nonexistent gunfire and ground combat that al-Qaeda had recently encountered were a distinctive hallmark of the Pakistani military.
Covering The Royal Wedding #~# The media is going to great lengths to cover the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton this Friday, with CNN alone dedicating 125 reporters to the event. Here are some of the extremes media outlets are undertaking:
Jim Morrison Foundation Awards $50,000 Grant To Little Shit Who Thinks He's A Poet #~# LOS ANGELES—Citing the 17-year-old's awkward overuse of Native American imagery and general ability to make long lists of random adjectival phrases, the Jim Morrison Foundation announced Monday the awarding of a $50,000 grant to self-obsessed little shit Jerome Caudry of Shullsburg, WI. "In Jerome's verse, all of which seems to be about Jerome himself as he struggles with the burden of approaching the edge of prophecy and daring to peek over, we hear echoes of the Lizard King himself," read a press release from the foundation, which has given annual grants to brooding, solipsistic pukes since 1983. "This gift should help Mr. Caudry achieve his personal goals, which we hope include winding up dead in a bathtub within the year." Caudry's myopically self- aggrandizing autobiographical novel The Bleeding Sky's Wife Shatters The Soul-Mask Of The Hopi Postman was also short-listed for this year's Richard Brautigan Prize for Thpppppt! Oh, Give Me a Fucking Break.
Coffee At Highest Price Since ’70s #~# Because of increased demand in emerging markets and a diminished supply, raw coffee beans topped $3 per pound for the first time in 34 years. What do you think?
Obama's Deficit-Reduction Plan Includes Spending Cuts, Robbing Fort Knox, Tax Reform #~# WASHINGTON—Saying the nation must face the "grave realities" of its mounting debt, President Barack Obama unveiled a deficit-reduction plan Wednesday that included far-reaching spending cuts, pulling off a daring robbery of the heavily fortified Fort Knox bullion deposi-tory, and repealing Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthy.
Ryan Howard Asks Teammates If They Ever Noticed How Realistic Crowd Looks #~# PHILADELPHIA—As 40,000 fans filed into Citizen's Bank Park Monday night, Phillies first basemen Ryan Howard took a moment from warmups to ask teammates if they had ever observed the lifelike three-dimensional shapes, high resolution, and realistic sound of the stadium's crowd. "If you look close enough, you can actually see individual people out there," Howard said, adding that when he first started playing baseball, crowds were just a mishmash of blurry colors and the cheering sounded like static from an old TV. "Do you ever hear how the crowd gets loud after a big play and quiet when the game's boring, just like an actual crowd would? In some ballparks, I almost feel like I could reach out and touch them, they look so real." Howard claims to have read that someday soon, announcers will also sound more realistic rather than just repeating prerecorded sentence fragments that are pieced together for specific games.
Fort Knox Facts #~# ➤Army base covering 109,000 acres in northern Kentucky
If I Could Have Any Superpower, It'd Definitely Be Invisibility #~# It's kind of a nerdy question, but it always seems to come up. You'll be hanging out with a few friends and someone will ask, "If you could have any superpower you wanted, what would it be?" Most people can't answer right away because there's so many to choose from. But not me. I know exactly what I'd pick, hands down, every time: invisibility.
Study: Only 4 Scenic Routes Left In Country #~# WASHINGTON—The Department of Transportation released the findings of a new study Thursday indicating that in the entire continental United States, only four scenic routes suitable for nice, meandering drives and aesthetically pleasing roadside views still exist. “A recent expansion of Cracker Barrel restaurants cost us three scenic routes last year, with two others falling to people chucking used diapers out their car windows,” said Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood, pointing to a map depicting the four stretches of road that remain unblemished by development. “If you want to get away from it all and clear your head with a drive through the countryside, you’d better do it at these locations, preferably in next three months.” In the course of the press conference, one remaining scenic route located in Wisconsin was rezoned to facilitate the construction of a methane-emissions plant.
Apple Branded Least Green Tech Company #~# Last week, Greenpeace released a list of tech companies ranked according to the environmental friendliness of their energy consumption, and Apple came in last. What do you think?
Socially Awkward Player Afraid To Ask If He’s Invited To Walk-Off Celebration #~# LOS ANGELES—Following his teammate Matt Kemp's walk-off home run Tuesday night, Dodgers second baseman and self-proclaimed "loner" Juan Uribe told reporters he felt uncomfortable joining the celebration without first being asked. "Maybe they don’t want me there," Uribe said, adding that while watching his teammates jump up and down, he noticed that no one asked where he was. "I didn’t have anything to do with the game-winning hit, and I don't know Matt [Kemp] that well, so I guess I don't belong. What kind of team would want to celebrate with a loser like me anyway?" Teammates assured Uribe he should feel more comfortable celebrating with the team as well as calling for pop flies and leaving the batter's box without waiting for the coach to tell him to run first.
Who I Saw In Vegas #~# BRAVO
Anything, Anything At All #~# HISTORY
Man v. Food #~# TRAVEL
Classic Laser Shows #~# VH1
Nation's Attractive People Demand We Send Them All $200 Checks #~# MIAMI—During a televised press conference held Friday afternoon at their chic beachside headquarters, the nation's attractive people demanded that we each immediately mail them a personal check for $200. "Just make it out to 'cash,'" said their physically flawless spokesperson Juliana Marie St. Onge, occasionally glancing up from texting and flashing an alluring smile as she addressed the country. "Aw, don't ask what the money's for, that's no fun. Besides, you know you're just going to send it anyway." Initial reports indicate that most citizens have already mailed their checks, with some including an additional $50 to $1,000 in an effort to make a good impression.
Lasers Could Replace Spark Plugs #~# A team of Japanese researchers has developed an improved fuel ignition system that would use lasers instead of spark plugs. What do you think?
Passing Of Ohio Man Forces Nation To Confront Death For First Time #~# MARION, OH—Following the passing of 82-year-old Joseph Howerton Saturday, the American people were, for the very first time, forced to confront the reality that death is an inevitable part of life that one day awaits us all.
Peyton Manning To Spend Several Weeks With Newborn Twins Before Naming Starting Child #~# INDIANAPOLIS—After months of preparing for the birth of the new Mannings, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning announced Tuesday he will carefully assess his newborn twins in the coming weeks before he names one of his offspring as the starting child. "I'm not going to rush into this and just give it to Mosely because she has the better build or Marshall because he’s a more mobile baby. They're going to have to earn the job, like I did with my dad," said Manning, who plans to evaluate the children in a series of progressively more challenging drills designed to simulate the actual stress and pressure of being a Manning family member. "This is a process. And even when I choose the starter, there are no guarantees that a kid is going to stay the starting spot unless they prove they deserve it every day." Despite his early optimism for the family's new acquisitions, however, Manning admitted being irritated that the twins keep falling asleep when he reads to them from his playbook.
Bed Monsters #~# DISC
'Arby's Has Been Putting More Onion Bits On Their Buns,' Reports Man Sinking Into Heavy Depression #~# KANSAS CITY—According to local Patrick Johnson, the amount of crunchy onion bits baked into Arby's sandwich buns seems to have increased somewhat recently, the 32-year-old mechanic noted while visibly descending into a heavily depressed state. "Yeah, I think there's more onion things, but maybe they're a little smaller, I can't really tell," said the emotionally deteriorating Johnson, moments before slowly dunking a fry into a small paper cup full of ketchup. “I think that paper they wrap the sandwiches in got thinner, too.” As of press time, Johnson had left the Arby's to walk home, noticing that the billboard for that Christmas movie was still up.
New 49ers GM Asks If Team Can Use Draft Picks For Something Other Than Football Players #~# SAN FRANCISCO—San Francisco's newly minted general manager, former scout Trent Baalke, asked the NFL head office for clarification on a point of order Monday over whether the team is required to exchange its draft picks for a football player. "Our roster has plenty of guys on it, so I believe the franchise should look to address other needs through the draft, like for instance we don't have a trampoline or a pontoon boat," said Baalke, who said he would consider trading the seventh pick in the first round to any team who could offer him a set of beanbag chairs. "If we have to get an athlete, I'm thinking maybe a power forward. We don't have one of those right now." NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is expected to deny the request, saying the last time he allowed San Francisco to use a draft pick for non-football player purposes they wasted them on Utah's Alex Smith.
People Who Produce American Culture Warning Nation Ahead Of Time That Rest Of 2011 Going To Be Pretty Rough #~# NEW YORK—A coalition of artists, filmmakers, novelists, musicians, fashion designers, and other producers of American culture issued a joint statement this week warning the nation's citizens that the remainder of 2011 was going to be "pretty rough stuff."
Millions of People Prince William Would Never Deign To Speak To Captivated By Royal Wedding #~# LONDON—Onlookers throughout the English-speaking world remained enthralled this week by the majesty and pomp of the upcoming nuptials of England's Prince William, a man who wouldn't in a million years be caught dead associating with any of them, sources reported. "What a beautiful dress—and that cake!" said Arizona housewife Jeanette Tyler, 47, a woman Prince William has been raised since birth to believe he is genetically superior to in all respects. "It's like a fairy tale." The wedding of Price William, whose full title is His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis of Wales, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, will be broadcast to six continents of the eager hoi polloi, none of whom he would ever even stand within 50 feet of unless they were part of a carefully orchestrated photo opportunity.
Frustrated Kevin Durant Realizes He Forgot To Write-Off Several Dunks On Taxes #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Just hours after Kevin Durant mailed in his forms for 2010, a conversation with Thunder teammate Russell Westbrook Monday made him realize he had forgotten to deduct the results of some 600 dunks. "Russell was talking about how he was able to get almost 60 percent back from dunks, and I was just stunned I'd forgotten to put down any at all," said Durant, who noted that he could have received substantial dunk-related refunds, as even dunks made while ahead by more than 10 points could be counted as necessary entertainment write-offs. "I mean, even Serge [Ibaka] remembered to list all his jams, and he's from the Congo." Durant said he had intended to make the deductions, keeping each of his dunk receipts, but had gotten sidetracked by the pressure of filling out his and-1 forms by the April 18 deadline.
Green Considered Feminine #~# A study conducted by OgilvyEarth, four out of five Americans said going green is "more feminine than masculine." What do you think?
David Ortiz Terrified After Hearing About Red Sox Bats Coming Alive #~# BOSTON—During last Sunday’s game against the Toronto Blue Jays, designated hitter David Ortiz was reportedly horrified by manager Terry Francona’s comment that the Red Sox’ bats were coming alive, which caused the panicked slugger to scream warnings and urge teammates to flee Fenway Park.
Onion Sports 2011 Mock NFL Draft #~# Conventional draft wisdom says to take the best player available, but sometimes a team needs something different. With that in mind, here's how OSN predicts the first ten picks of the NFL Draft will go:
Conga Line #~# ABC
'It's A Privilege To Have Worked With Such Talented People,' Says Coworker Getting The Fuck Out Of There #~# EUGENE, OR—During his final day of work at R&C Media on Friday, consultant Carlton Davies told coworkers it was "an honor" to have worked with such a gifted and talented group of people, even though he's spent the past two weeks literally counting the hours until he could get the fuck out of there and never, ever come back. "I've learned so much from each and every one of you," said Davies, who for six months has told family and friends he's been "dying to leave that shithole of a company" and who, at exactly 5 p.m., peeled out of the office parking lot as the Kings song "Switching To Glide" blared from his car stereo. "It's truly been an honor." While eating a piece of goodbye cake in the office break room, Davies' boss Laura Marcus described his departure as an immense loss for the company, knowing full well she would replace him with an intern who would do the same work at half the cost.
McDonald's Is Hiring #~# On Tuesday, McDonald's held a National Hiring Day in which people across the country lined up to fill the planned 50,000 positions the company offered. What do you think?
Mitt Romney Haunted By Past Of Trying To Help Uninsured Sick People #~# BELMONT, MA—Though Mitt Romney is considered to be a frontrunner for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination, the national spotlight has forced him to repeatedly confront a major skeleton in his political closet: that as governor of Massachusetts he once tried to help poor, uninsured sick people.
The Nixon Library's New Watergate Exhibit #~# A newly revamped exhibit at the Richard Nixon Presidential Library in Yorba Linda, CA details the events behind Watergate and the eventual downfall of the 37th president. Here are some of its new features:
BP Ready To Resume Oil Spilling #~# LONDON—A year after the tragic explosion and oil spill that caused petroleum giant BP to cease operations in the Gulf of Mexico, the company announced Wednesday that it was once again ready to begin oil spilling. "People said this company might never rebound from last year, but we're here and ready to do what we do best," said BP chief executive Robert Dudley, who confirmed that the company had already successfully conducted small test spills and that full-scale spilling operations could resume as early as July. "We've reorganized and regrouped, and now we're ready to put the faulty blowout preventers on the wellheads and watch them pump raw crude petroleum right into the environment." BP stock jumped $14 a share following the announcement.
Match.com Screening For Sex Offenders #~# Following a lawsuit from a woman alleging she was raped by a man she met on  Match.com who had previously been convicted of sexual battery, the dating website announced it would begin vetting its members to exclude known sex offenders. What do you think?
U.N. Evicted From Headquarters #~# 'Disgusting' World Organization Illegally Housing 268 Feral Cats, Say City Officials
Albert Pujols Embarrasses Cardinals By Returning To Dugout With First Base Stuck On Bottom Of Shoe #~# ST. LOUIS—Cardinals players were reportedly mortified Monday when Albert Pujols embarrassed the entire team in front of 34,965 fans by trotting back to the dugout with first base stuck on the bottom of his left shoe. "Oh my god, he's such a spaz," said left fielder Matt Holiday, lowering the bill of his baseball cap and pulling up the hood of his sweatshirt. "Please don't let anyone in the crowd think that we are with him. Oh Jesus, he's trying to scrape it off and now it's stuck on his other shoe. I swear, if he sits next to me, I'll never be able to show my face around here again." According to third baseman David Freese, Pujols consistently humiliates everyone in the dugout when he "claps like a total dork" any time the team does well.
Don't Forget The Lyrics #~# VH1
The House Of B Must Continue #~# Lately, Smoove has had much on his mind.
'The Economist' To Halt Production For Month To Let Readers Catch Up #~# LONDON—World-renowned news and opinion magazine The Economist announced plans to suspend any new online and print content for the next month in an effort to finally allow subscribers a chance to catch up. "It's only fair to our readers," said Economist editor Winthrop Parker, adding that there was no reason for subscribers to feel ashamed for not necessarily knowing every last detail about the current economic and geopolitical climate. "Even just scanning over some of the feature stories can sometimes take two or three daily bus commutes to finish. After all, some of these issues have as many words in them as a short novel. No one should be expected to do that in one week." In related news, ESPN The Magazine announced Monday it would be suspending publication indefinitely until its readers learned to read.
‘Forever’ Stamp Features Wrong Lady Liberty #~# The newest “forever” stamp from the U.S. Postal Service features a photo of the New York–New York casino's Statue of Liberty replica in Las Vegas instead of the original. What do you think?
35 And Pregnant #~# MTV
IRS Can't Believe Area Man Didn't Get A Raise Last Year #~# WASHINGTON—IRS agents looking over Akron, OH resident Steven Eutsey's tax return Wednesday told reporters they were stunned he did not receive a raise during fiscal year 2010. "Four years of busting his ass in sales and not even a cost-of-living increase?" said IRS agent Trevor Khan, adding that things must be doubly tough for Eutsey now that he is claiming a child as a dependent. "Steven really needs to talk to Mitch in H.R. and make them understand just how valuable he is to the company. There's no reason he should be making less than Adam [Zelevsky], who's only been there half as long and, between you and me, files late every year." Khan later told reporters that the fact that Eutsey is struggling financially will make it even harder for the IRS to conduct its upcoming audit on him.
YouTube Educates Offenders About Copyright #~# YouTube is requiring users caught uploading pirated material to take an online copyright class and pass a test before they can resume sharing videos on the website. What do you think?
Ethicists Update List Of Acceptable Things To Masturbate To #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Unveiling what may be the most comprehensive guide to socially responsible self-pleasure ever published, a group of leading ethicists released Monday its list of things that are acceptable to masturbate to.
NBA Honors Chris Paul For Heroically Saving Ball From Going Out Of Bounds #~# NEW YORK—The NBA honored Hornets point guard Chris Paul Wednesday for heroically stepping in front of a stray pass and saving the basketball from going out of bounds. "Chris deserves to be commended for his selfless act, as many players would have just stood and watched while the out-of-control ball flew helplessly into the stands," league commissioner David Stern said while presenting Paul with the NBA Medal of Valor, basketball's second-highest civilian honor, for his bravery during the Apr. 8 game against the Phoenix Suns."I don't even want to think about what would have happened if Chris wasn't there. But thankfully he was, and he prevented the tragic loss of a key possession late in the game." Paul said that he has not seen or talked with the ball since saving it from going out of bounds.
Guests Emerge Shell-Shocked From Rich People's Wedding #~# MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA—Citing its 80-piece orchestra and real silver place settings, several of the 500 guests at Saturday's wedding of Boston socialite Elizabeth Kessler and investment banker Peter Graham emerged from the affair dazed and disoriented, sources told reporters. "I've never seen anything like this," said Beth Risser, tightly clasping to her chest the commemorative wedding iPod preloaded with the bride and groom's favorite songs while she waited for the valet to deliver her 1996 Mazda. "There were swans everywhere, 12 videographers, and about $800 worth of candles at my table alone. And was that Henry Kissinger next to the raw oyster bar?" While many of the attendees were bewildered by the spectacle they had witnessed, at least 6 percent of the guests left the wedding worried that the Kesslers had fallen on hard times.
America's Next Top #~# BRAVO
Patrick Kane No Longer Able To Play With Blackhawks After Dad Gets New Job In Boise #~# CHICAGO—Just days before the Blackhawks' first-round playoff loss to the Vancouver Canucks Wednesday, star right winger Patrick Kane announced to a stunned locker room that his father had taken a new job in Boise, ID and that he was moving away with his family. "I'm really sorry to do this to you guys right before the playoffs. I tried to tell my dad that this is where all my friends are and everything, but he just wouldn't listen," said Kane, confirming he would not be allowed to stay behind in Chicago and live with either his grandmother or Blackhawks owner Rocky Wirtz. "Maybe they have a hockey team in Boise and we can play each other someday." Before Kane left, each member of the team gave him a tearful hug, took down his family's new telephone number, and made a point of glaring angrily at Kane's father as he drove his family out of the United Center parking lot.
Just When Couple Finally Stops Stressing About Having A Baby, They're Still Not Pregnant #~# HENDERSON, NV—After finally deciding to relax and not worry so much about having a baby, local couple Aaron Leonard and Shelley Akers announced Tuesday that at long last they remained no closer to conceiving a child. "After more than two years of trying to get pregnant, we decided not to put so much pressure on ourselves—and wouldn't you know it, still nothing happened," said Akers, 32, adding that you can never predict when God will choose to continue withholding His blessing. "I guess it's one of those situations where you're not expecting anything and then, totally out of the blue, you don't get it." Akers added that, for a while, she had actually begun to think her husband might be sterile, and that she was still very much leaning in that direction.
Piece Of Art For Sale On Coffeehouse Wall Has Had It Up To Here With The Wiseass Remarks #~# MADISON, WI—A painting hanging on the wall of Mother Fool's coffee shop in Madison announced Tuesday that it was growing "pretty frigging tired" of the unending stream of smart aleck jokes and insults hurled its way.
Sleeping Air Traffic Controllers Prompts FAA Action #~# After several recent cases of air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job—including one incident that delayed the landing of a medical flight—the Federal Aviation Administration announced it was adding more overnight controllers at 27 towers. What do you think?
Vacation-Bound Rush Limbaugh To Do Nothing But Golf And Respect Minorities For 2 Weeks #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Popular radio personality Rush Limbaugh said on his show Tuesday that he is going to Honolulu for a 10-day vacation during which he plans to break away from his daily routine and "just play a lot of golf, eat, sleep, and treat minorities with respect and dignity." "Ten solid days of hitting the links, catching up on some reading, and not making obscene or hurtful racial comments—can't wait," said Limbaugh, adding that once he touches down on the Hawaiian island he's going to play 36 holes at the Waialae Country Club and treat Hawaii's diverse population of indigenous islanders, Filipinos, Chinese, and Japanese with the same consideration he would give white people. "Don't get me wrong—I love my job and I enjoy working my ill-informed fans into a frenzy by tapping into their deep-seeded, ignorant fears of people who are different from them. But when I'm on vacation, the phone is off, I'm not checking e-mail, and I don't even want to think about making iffy slurs or insensitive impersonations until I have to punch back in." Limbaugh also promised that he wouldn't ruin the vacation for himself by thinking about how strange it is that he's so popular.
Last Pick Of WNBA Draft Earns Title Of Saddest Woman In America #~# BRISTOL, CT—With the 36th and final pick of the 2011 WNBA Draft, the Seattle Storm selected 6-foot-5 center and rebound specialist Krystal Thomas, thereby officially making her the saddest woman in the United States of America.
Miami Heat Complete Worst Season In NBA History At 58-24 #~# MIAMI—Despite having high expectations heading into the 2010-2011 season, the Miami Heat suffered the worst regular season record of all-time Wednesday, limping to a painfully humiliating 58-24 and finishing an embarrassing second place in the Eastern Conference. "The Three Kings experiment is officially a disaster," said TNT basketball analyst Charles Barkley, who later called the Heat "pathetic" because the team only won a league-best 28 times on the road. "Two dozen losses and guaranteed home court advantage for two rounds of the NBA playoffs? Wow. This team owes an apology not just to its fans, but to the entire league." Sources confirmed this may have been the single worst performance by any team since the 1995-1996 Chicago Bulls lost a regular-season road game to the Denver Nuggets.
Notable Sports Collapses #~# Rory McIlroy went into the final round of the Masters with a four-stroke lead, but shot eight over on the last 18 holes, flailing uselessly all day. Add his meltdown to this list of all-time great collapses:
The East Wing #~# ABC
Justice Scalia Endorses New Easton Gaveling Gloves #~# WASHINGTON—Saying their gel-filled kangaroo-leather palms give him "the control and comfort I need for the perfect swing," Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia signed a deal Monday with equipment and accessory maker Easton to endorse the company's new line of gaveling gloves. "When you're the longest-serving man on the bench, you get to know what works and what doesn't," said Scalia, who under the terms of other endorsement contracts has worn Under Armour robes and penned Gatorade dissenting opinions. "Easton gaveling gloves reduce sting, increase grip, and give me the confidence I need to make the tough decisions." Easton ended its sponsorship of Clarence Thomas following the justice's 2009 corked-gavel scandal.
Weaves, Braids May Hasten Balding Process #~# A study of 326 black women revealed that a quarter of them were suffering from baldness that may be linked to hairstyles that tug at the scalp, such as braids or weaves. What do you think?
Author Promoting Book Gives It Her All Whether It's Just 3 People Or A Crowd Of 9 People #~# CINCINNATI—Shortly before her reading Tuesday at local bookstore Word Mentality, author Francine Massey told reporters that she does her absolute best for everyone who comes out to see her, whether it's just three people or a much larger crowd of nine people.
Libyan Rebels Still Working Full-Time At Other Jobs #~# TRIPOLI—Rebel forces hoping to oust Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi confirmed Tuesday that they were having difficulties coordinating their rebellion while still working a full 40-hour week at their other jobs. "Obviously I'd love to combat Qaddafi's army and win our nation's freedom all day, but the reality is I've got to make a living here and my boss is pretty stingy about time off," said Libyan resistance fighter and day-shift cab driver Husni Deghayes, adding that while he occasionally lobs a few grenades at government forces on his lunch break, he rarely has time to do so before he has to rush back and clock in again. "Plus, I'm a father. So really I have three full-time jobs." Deghayes went on to tell reporters that the situation is unlikely to get any easier, as he has to cover a number of upcoming shifts for his coworker who got killed in a skirmish outside Benghazi last night.
Get Him To Notice You During Sex #~# Back to video.
Unforgettable-Sex Chocolate Chip Cookies #~# Back to video.
Keep An Accessory Wall Next To Your Bed #~# Back to video.
Make Sure To Flirt #~# Back to video.
Obama Orders Guantánamo Prisoners Transferred To Next President #~# WASHINGTON—After two years of false starts and protracted legal wrangling, President Barack Obama signed an executive order Tuesday authorizing the transfer of all 172 Guantánamo detainees to the next chief executive of the United States of America. "The president's bold decision to move these enemy combatants to the subsequent administration should finally quiet critics who have accused him of inaction and impotence concerning this issue," White House press secretary Jay Carney said after noting that Obama had—in favor of the more politically pragmatic alternative—passed on several opportunities to relocate the inmates to correctional facilities in the continental United States as a first step toward affording the prisoners due process of law. "This will not be an easy process by any means, but all of the detainees should be transferred by 2012, or 2016 at the very latest." With the Guantánamo issue finally resolved, President Obama has reportedly already begun efforts to address another of his 2008 campaign promises by calling for the removal of the Bush-era tax cuts from the current political dialogue.
CEO Pay On The Rise Again #~# According to a survey of 200 major companies, median executive salaries rose 12 percent from 2009 to 2010, with many CEOs doing better than they were before the economic downturn. What do you think?
Replacing Meredith #~# With Meredith Vieira rumored to be leaving the Today show when her contract expires this year, NBC is scrambling to find a new female cohost. Here are some of the people being considered:
Area Man Already Tired Of Adjusting His Fantasy Baseball Roster #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Two weeks into the 2011 Major League Baseball season, 27-year-old Fred Romero has already begun complaining about the amount of time it takes to manage his fantasy baseball team, sources confirmed Wednesday. "I have a job, I have friends, I have a life. I shouldn’t be cutting into hours of sleep to research middle infielders for a game that’s supposed to be fun," said Romero, adding that on three separate occasions he's checked his team at lunch only to find out a pitcher on his bench has already started an afternoon game. "Besides, Michael [Armor] does website design or something for Yahoo! Sports, so he always wins our league anyway." Romero's expression of frustration arrives sooner than it did in 2010, when he reportedly waited until the end of April to tell his friends that he didn’t "have time for this shit" and was "never doing it again."
Third-Party Candidate Forms Exploratory Committee To See Who Can Cover Shifts For Him In Coming Months #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Laying the groundwork for a potential presidential run, United Progressive Party leader Jed Connelly formed an exploratory committee Wednesday to determine whether any coworkers could pick up a few evening shifts for him as the 2012 campaign season begins to heat up. "Before I officially throw my hat in the ring, it's imperative that I gauge the viability of [shift leader] Carrie [Bullock] cutting me some slack on the weekends," said Connelly, adding that early polling suggested a high likelihood that Derek would be cool about swapping a couple Thursdays. "2012 will be a landmark election, and that's why it's important to get my name out there early, particularly among anyone on morning shift who might be willing to pull a double." While a final decision remained weeks away, Connelly stated that the committee was on track to file official paperwork with the Federal Election Commission in June, provided someone on his team had access to a printer.
Ongoing Search #~# Every law enforcement officer in the region is now scanning an 80-mile-wide radius.  Roll over for more information. Back to story.
Aspen Police Continue Search For Missing Ski #~# ASPEN, CO—Citizens of this small mountain community remained in a state of shock Wednesday as law enforcement officials continued their frantic, all-hours search for a ski that went missing last weekend.
Well, Folks, It Appears Some Shithead Down There Is Shining A Laser Pointer Into The Cockpit And We're About To Crash #~# From the flight deck, this is your captain. Just want to give you a quick update as we make our final preparations for landing. The current weather in Los Angeles is 67 degrees with a slight northwesterly breeze, and in case you're wondering why the plane feels like it's completely out of control, well, there's currently some fuckface standing on the roof of his car down near the tarmac shining a laser pointer directly into in my eyes.
50 Years Of Manned Space Flight #~# Today marks the 50th anniversary of cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin's voyage outside the Earth's atmosphere, the first of its kind. What do you think?
Jeff Suppan Approaches Omaha Residents With Offer To Do Small Pitching Jobs Around House #~# OMAHA, NE—Local Omaha residents told reporters Monday that for the past week veteran pitcher Jeff Suppan has been going door-to-door, offering to do small pitching jobs around their houses in order to make some extra money. "He told me that if I needed somebody to throw a two-seamer on the outside corner of my garage, or do something off-speed with the gutters, he’d be glad to help," said local resident Mark Cuneo, adding that Suppan told him for an extra $10 he could break out his old cutter to help with any plumbing problems. "I have to say, he looked terrible, so I ended up hiring him for the day because I felt bad. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to clean up the attic, because all he did was take things out of boxes and throw them across the room." A disappointed Suppan was last spotted leaving a residence after being refused payment, the occupant citing the fact that he needed the former NLCS MVP to throw down protective mulch at 89 mph, and that Suppan could only get it up to 85.
'Ghost Hunters' Enjoys Surprising 100% Success Rate #~# LOS ANGELES—Despite the fact that in all of human history not one person has ever provided definitive empirical evidence of the afterlife, the crew of the second-tier cable network television show Ghost Hunters has shocked statisticians and theologians alike with an incredible and uncanny 100 percent success rate in documenting proof of spiritual presences from beyond the grave. "Well, we have really good equipment," said one cast member, a man in his 30s who sees one or more ghosts each week, without fail, every single time he sets out to do so. "What can I say? We're just really good researchers, I guess." At press time, despite having repeatedly resolved the most central question of human existence, the program is somehow not on the cover of every major newspaper, magazine, and scientific journal in the world.
You Know, That Show #~# CBS, Maybe
Branson To Dive To Uncharted Depths #~# Virgin Group chairman Richard Branson is set to explore the uncharted depths of the ocean in a custom-built submarine he will copilot. What do you think?
Detroit Pistons JumboTron Not Even Trying Anymore #~# AUBURN HILLS, MI—Making flippant remarks about the game such as "BASKETBALL GAME HAPPENING NOW" and "WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF THIS?" the Detroit Pistons' JumboTron has reportedly stopped trying to pretend to care about the team this season. "SOMEONE IS ON DEFENSE AND SOMEONE IS ON OFFENSE," the on-screen text said during the second quarter of Friday's game against the Milwaukee Bucks. "FANS! GET UP ON YOUR FEET! THEN WALK OUT OF HERE AND GO DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE WITH YOUR NIGHT." After showing some highlights from the 2004 championship team, the JumboTron said, "THIS IS JUST DEPRESSING," and then turned itself off completely at halftime, only to return in the game's closing minutes to show a couple of funny dog videos from YouTube.
Writer Unwilling To Admit His Screenplay Perfect Fit For Justin Long #~# LOS ANGELES—Screenwriter Jeff Haynes has refused to admit that actor Justin Long would be perfect to play video game tester Pete Knowles in his new film Change Of Plans, sources confirmed Saturday. "I think this is a role someone like Leonardo DiCaprio could really sink his teeth into," said Haynes, who knows deep down that Justin Long's easygoing, boyish charm would make him ideal for the part. "We need an experienced actor who is convincing as a romantic lead, but also someone who can just cut-up and be funny." When asked if he had ever considered the possibility of Long playing the character described in his screenplay as "5-foot-8.5-inches tall, with wide eyes, bushy eyebrows, and a charismatic smile," Haynes said he hadn't, but would be okay with producers bringing the actor in for a cold read "just to see."
Congress Cuts Funding For 26-Year-Old Stepson #~# WASHINGTON—Leaders from both parties announced Tuesday that Congress has voted to cut funding for its 26-year-old stepson, Jeremy, whose education and living expenses have been federally subsidized since he and his mother moved in with the legislative branch in 1998.
Oh, God, Area Man Making His Move #~# BRIGHTON, NY—Patrons of the Full Moon Tavern are reporting that oh, God, area man Darrell Barnes is walking right up to that beautiful woman sitting by the window. "I can't watch this," eyewitness Mark Oliver whispered to himself after witnessing Barnes spend seven minutes working up the courage to oh, shit, he's actually trying to talk to her. "What the hell are you doing? Just get out of there, man." At press time, sources confirmed Barnes and the woman were walking together toward the exit and, Christ, look at that: The son of a bitch actually pulled it off.
The Oprah Winfrey Show #~# SYNDICATED
UConn Women Disgusted They Lost To Women's Basketball Team #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Following the UConn women's 72-63 loss to Notre Dame in the NCAA Final Four last Sunday, the Huskies expressed shock over how they could have lost to a women’s basketball team. "I don't see how we can still call ourselves an elite college basketball program if we're going to get beaten by a bunch of girls,"  UConn star Maya Moore said of the defeat. "Nothing against the Irish—they're really good for a ladies' squad—but I had hoped to end my career with a little more dignity." UConn guard Tiffany Hayes agreed with Moore, but said she would console herself with the fact that the UConn men's team probably would have lost to Notre Dame as well.
Zip-Lining Day Trip To Somehow Save Marriage #~# CONCORD, NH—According to sources, the deteriorating 10-year-old marriage of Dale and Gina Byer will somehow be magically restored this weekend by a zip-lining excursion to the mountains of northern New Hampshire.
Guy In Audience Shouts Out Perfect Thing #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Audience members at Crossroads Cinema were treated to an unexpected delight Friday when someone in the crowd shouted out a hilarious thing at the exact right moment, sources reported. "We were completely blown away—I still can't believe how perfect it was," said moviegoer Marissa Seidel, describing how the surprising but undeniably apt quip, made during a particularly tense moment in the film, was executed with perfect timing. "Imagine the sense of inner contentment that must have come with yelling out something so succinct yet so profoundly in tune with our shared experience at that precise moment in time. God, he must have felt amazing after we all laughed." Another audience member, who failed to win over the crowd by yelling "Buckle up!" 10 minutes later, was unavailable for comment.
Beck: Trump Making Me 'Uncomfortable' #~# Talk show host Glenn Beck said that he’s "a little uncomfortable" with some of Donald Trump's claims about Obama's birth certificate and that the nation doesn't need a "show boat." What do you think?
Qaddafi Asks Closest Advisers If They Think He's A Bad Person #~# TRIPOLI—In the midst of widespread unrest, Libyan president Muammar Qaddafi convened his closest advisers Tuesday and asked them to be totally honest about whether they thought his brutal crackdown against his own people made him a bad person. "When he closed the door, he said that if ordering air strikes against fellow Libyans, allowing the repeated sexual assault of female prisoners, and conducting public executions against political dissenters made him sort of an awful human being, then we should just tell him," adviser Atia Mahmoud said. "We all assured him that he wasn't a complete monster and that he was doing the right thing. I mean, we were all pretty worried we'd be shot in front of our families if we said otherwise." Satisfied by the response, Qaddafi ordered bulldozers to flatten every building in the rebel-held city of Benghazi, as well as any inhabitants that got in the way.
Thunderstorms Force PGA Organizers To Move Masters Indoors #~# AUGUSTA, GA—Severe thunderstorms in the Richmond County area forced organizers to move the first round of the 2011 Masters indoors to nearby John M. Tutt Middle School, tournament chairman Billy Payne announced Thursday.
Brad Stevens Fired After Losing Second Consecutive NCAA Finals #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Saying that Butler University "cannot afford to establish a culture of losing," Butler athletic director Barry Collier announced at a press conference Friday that the university was firing under-performing head basketball coach Brad Stevens, effective immediately. "We hired Coach Stevens anticipating that he would lead us to an NCAA title, but year after year he continues to come up short," said Collier, noting that expectations at Butler are high and that losing the finals to four-time champion Duke and three-time champion Connecticut was not acceptable. "We love Brad, and we wish him all the best, but he evidently was not the right fit for this team." Stevens, who is expected to continue his coaching career by accepting one of the many open assistant positions at the mid-major schools, was gracious, saying only that he deeply regretted his inability to match the high standard set by Butler legend Tony Hinkle, who coached the famed 1929 Bulldogs championship team.
The Unique Challenges Of Augusta National #~# As the Masters tees off, we take a closer look at what makes Augusta one of golf's most legendary and difficult courses.
Castle #~# ABC
Longer Work Day May Increase Heart Attack Risk #~# A new study revealed that people who worked 11 or more hours a day ran a 67 percent greater risk of having a heart attack than those who worked seven or eight hours a day. What do you think?
Lazy Event Planner Throws 'Bags Of Ice'–Themed Party #~# LOS ANGELES—Lacking the time, energy, or initiative to prepare anything better, Hollywood-based event planner Frankie Haines spent roughly 20 minutes last week organizing a 'Bags of Ice'–themed celebrity birthday bash. "I figure it makes sense: Parties and bags of ice, those are two things that go together," said Haines, describing his inspiration for the hastily created, half-million-dollar soiree, which will feature five massive columns of ice bags stacked throughout the space, ice bags leading up the driveway, and possibly an ice-bag sculpture centerpiece, "if there's time." "There's a pool, so we've got some bags of ice bobbing in there. We even stuffed some bags of ice into some clothes I found lying around and made ice-bag people. Perhaps not my finest work, but certainly good enough for David Hyde Pierce's 52nd birthday." The gala event will be followed immediately by a 'Bags of Water' after-party at the same location.
FBI Director Sheepishly Admits Agency Hasn't Solved Single Crime In 10 Years #~# WASHINGTON—In response to a probe into the bureau’s operational costs, FBI director Robert Mueller timidly told Congress Wednesday that the organization he oversees has not technically solved any crimes since 2001.
U.S. To Just Hand Terry Jones Over To Fundamentalist Muslims #~# 'Have At Him,' Officials Say
General Electric's Aggressive Tax Strategy #~# Americans were outraged when it came to light recently that multinational corporation General Electric paid no taxes for 2010. Here are some of the ways GE avoided the tax man:
Juror Brings Baseball Glove To Barry Bonds Perjury Trial #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Saying that "you never know," juror Jesse Ferguson has worn his baseball glove to the Barry Bonds perjury trial every day, telling reporters Tuesday that his seat on the jury is in a perfect spot should Bonds really connect on one. "With my luck, a hard liner would come my way the day I didn't wear a glove, so I'm just going to keep it on at all times," said Ferguson, who has taken care not to lean over the jury box railing when court is in session. "I know it's kind of childish, but there's something about attending a perjury trial with wide-ranging repercussions for the performance-enhancing-drug culture in our national pastime that brings out the kid in you." Ferguson went on to say that wearing a glove leaves one hand free to hold his beer, offer Bonds a baseball card to autograph, or take notes on the deposition.
Teen Rebel Refusing To Purchase Yearbook #~# WESTERVILLE, OH—Refusing to march in lockstep with the other drones at Westerville Junior High, 16-year-old rebel Chris Iconia announced Monday he would not be purchasing a copy of the school's 2011 yearbook. "Forget that—let all those other sheep sign each other's little books," said the modern-day James Dean, who bucked the system by wearing a T-shirt for class photos and using an ellipsis as his per≠sonal quote. "Like I'm really going to look back one day and wonder who ran JV track this year? Please, I've got better things to spend $65 on." After yearbooks were distributed, the radical teen who plays by his own rules spent two hours perusing a friend's copy before deciding it was lame.
Governor Of 'Broke' State Hires Donor's Dropout Son #~# Despite Gov. Scott Walker’s repeated claims that the State of Wisconsin is broke, his administration recently gave the college-dropout son of lobbyist and campaign donor Jerry Deschane an $81,500-a-year job overseeing environmental and regulatory matters. What do you think?
White House To Hold Second Auditions This Week For Nationwide Production Of 'Guys And Dolls' #~# 'We're Still Looking For A Really Good Nathan Detroit,' Obama Says
Too Many Geese #~# WGN
FDA: Food Dye/Hyperactivity Data Inconclusive #~# A Food and Drug Administration panel concluded that a link between hyperactivity and food dyes was not borne out sufficiently by current data. What do you think?
Goddamn It, The Neighbors Are Silently Going At It Again, I Imagine #~# Christ almighty, here we go again. Just when I think I can finally get in a good night's sleep, those upstairs neighbors of mine start silently going to town on each other again like a couple of goddamn cats in heat, I imagine.
Home Burglary Reveals Rays Players' Horrible Living Situation #~# PORT CHARLOTTE, FL—While investigating the burglarized home of Tampa Bay Rays players Evan Longoria, David Price, and Reid Brignac last week, authorities were shocked by the dwelling's squalid living conditions, saying the house was "basically a rat-infested shithole." "Regardless of the Xbox games and the other junk that was stolen, the place had no running water, and the floors were covered in trash," a representative of the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office told reporters, adding that the only pieces of furniture were three bare mattresses; that even the walls were covered in dirt; and that each sink, including those in the bathrooms, contained stacks of dirty dishes. "There were no signs of toilet paper or any cleaning supplies. I'm surprised the burglar was able to grab enough stuff without vomiting, given the intense smell of human fecal matter." Though police do not currently have any leads, they have taken several steps toward finding a new home for Rays catcher John Jaso, who was found sleeping naked in the cellar.
GOP Completely Fixes Economy By Canceling Funding For NPR #~# WASHINGTON—Unemployment plummeted and stocks soared Tuesday after Republican leaders fulfilled their promise to cut funding for National Public Radio, a budgetary move that has completely rejuvenated the flagging U.S. economy. "Since eliminating federal spending for NPR, America's economic outlook is brighter than it's been in decades, with manufacturing on the rise and millions of jobs once sent overseas now returning to our shores," said Sen. Mark Kirk (R-IL), adding that by eliminating funds for NPR, the deficit has been slashed by 0.000004 percent and a newly thriving middle class once again has cause to believe in the American dream. "Pulling funding for Car Talk and Planet Money alone has created 4.2 million jobs and generated a $2 trillion budget surplus." Republicans announced Thursday they will now turn their attention to cutting the National Park Service, a move that should ensure Social Security's solvency for the next 350 years.
Biden Calls Dibs On Qaddafi's Clothes #~# WASHINGTON—Interrupting a meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff on Tuesday, Vice President Joe Biden called dibs on the clothes of Muammar Qaddafi, saying he wanted first pick of the Libyan dictator's wardrobe as soon as he was deposed. "I've had my eye on those threads for years," said Biden, promising the assembled military officers they could have Qaddafi's print shirts or any assorted hats and sunglasses that Biden didn't want. "I need a couple of his traditional nomad outfits for this sheikh-themed party I'm throwing. And those uniforms with all the medals are pretty sweet." According to sources, Biden was unable to lay claim to Qaddafi's Bedouin tents because Energy Secretary Steven Chu had called them minutes earlier.
Trial By Judy #~# SYNDICATED
Neurologists Paint Grim Picture Of 'Madden' Football's Long-Term Effect On Players' Brains #~# SAN JOSE, CA—In an alarming report that sheds new light on the dangers of the game, the Institute for Brain Injury Research published Wednesday the results of a five-year investigation into the long-term neurological consequences of playing Madden football.
Kemba Walker Wants To Be The One To Throw Ball Up At Very End Of Game #~# HOUSTON—Opening up to reporters at a press conference Sunday, Connecticut all-American guard Kemba Walker explained at great length that should the Huskies have the fortune of winning Monday's national championship game, he would like to be the player who launches the basketball into the air as the final seconds run out. "Hours of practice, all the games, everything we've achieved this year, it all leads up to that moment; as those final seconds tick down, I want the ball in my hands so I can throw it really, really high," Walker said. "There are a lot of options in a moment like that—one hand, two hands, straight up, out into the crowd—but in the end, only one thing matters: really chucking it way up there with all you've got." After speaking to the media, Walker made his way to Connecticut's final practice, where he spent the majority of his time trying to get a ball to hit the rafters.
GoDaddy CEO Posts Elephant Killing Video #~# Bob Parsons, the CEO of the web host GoDaddy.com, posted a video of himself killing an elephant in Africa, during which villagers wearing GoDaddy hats strip the elephant of its flesh. What do you think?
Cooking For Large Groups #~# As the warmer weather approaches, many people will open their houses to larger dinner parties. Here are some ways to take the sting out of cooking for a large group of people:
Eating Locally #~# The locavore movement—in which people eat food produced near their home to reduce their carbon footprint—is getting more and more popular. Here are some ways you can do more to eat locally:
Area Dad Off To Bad Start With Waitress #~# BETHEL, PA—Following an awkward exchange in which Tom Richardson flagged down their server for "a round of waters" mere seconds after being seated, family members confirmed Sunday the 56-year-old father of three was off to a rough start with their waitress. "I knew it was all going down hill when she turned to leave and he called her back to request she 'go easy on the ice,'" said son Marc, cringing as his father touched the waitress on the elbow and asked her to slow down a bit while reading the dinner specials. "There's no bouncing back at this point. All we can hope for now is that when she comes by to see if we need anything else, he doesn't joke about how he could use some help with his income taxes." As of press time, Richardson had complimented the waitress on her unique name and asked which country her parents were from.
Will They/Won't They #~# LIFETIME
Butler Bulldogs Inspire Thousands Of Tall, Goony-Looking Midwestern Dorks #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Butler's Final Four appearance—its second in as many years—has inspired and energized not only the state of Indiana but thousands of tall, awkward, acne-riddled Midwestern dopes who reportedly see a lot of themselves in the Division I basketball team. "The Bulldogs aren't just a mid-major surprise anymore—they're the real deal," one lanky, bucktoothed 16-year-old goof told reporters Friday. "It just goes to show that you can make something of yourself even if you're gangly, uncoordinated, and mostly made of elbows and knees. With an oversized head. And really droopy eyes. And pasty skin with weird freckles. And no friends." Similarly, in Virginia, the bold, charismatic leadership of VCU's head coach Shaka Smart has inspired two people with the first name Shaka.
Study: 38 Age It Too Late #~# BALTIMORE—After years of observing people in their late 30s to early 40s, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have determined that once an individual reaches 38 years of age it is too late to make any meaningful life changes. "Our analysis indicates that if people turn 38 before getting the job they always wanted, meeting that special someone with whom they can settle down, or accepting themselves for who they are, they never will," said study coordinator Dr. Erik Heuer, adding that those who haven't "figured things out" by their late 30s die sad, miserable, and alone 100 percent of the time. "In order to bolster our findings, we observed several subjects ages 38 and above who attempted to finally resolve their troubled relationship with a parent or write that novel that's been kicking around in their head, and the results were, well, very sad to say the least." The study has been criticized in peer-review by multiple scientists aged 38 and older, many of whom said they are going to yoga and learning Korean cooking and that it's really going quite well.
Man Wakes Up From Bender With Financial Problems Solved #~# EUGENE, OR—Though he has only the haziest memories of what happened between the time he left work Friday evening and woke up late Sunday afternoon, marketing associate Ben Taylor told reporters today that during his 36-hour drinking binge, he somehow managed to sort out his entire financial situation.
Cutting Oil Imports By One Third #~# Faced with mounting criticism over rising fuel prices, President Obama is calling for more biofuels and domestic drilling, and for reducing consumption of foreign oil by one third over the next decade. What do you think?
5-Year-Old Critics Agree: Movie ‘Cars’ Only Gets Better After 40th Viewing #~# NEW YORK—According to a poll of 5-year-old film critics released Tuesday, the 2006 Disney-Pixar animated feature Cars only gets better after the 40th viewing. “The tow truck talks funny, and he has big teeth,” said noted cinéaste Ramon Diaz, 5, adding that it takes at least 30 screenings before the film’s message of friendship achieves full resonance. “Let’s watch it again!” The poll’s respondents also agreed that Willie Wonka And The Chocolate Factory is a weird and scary film they wish their parents would stop trying to make them watch.
Chicago Cubs Can't Believe They're Doing This Again #~# CHICAGO—Cubs players, coaches, and management expressed disbelief Thursday, questioning whether they were out of their minds for participating in another Major League Baseball season.
NCAA Schedules VCU For Final Four Play-In Game Just To Be Sure #~# HOUSTON—In an effort to ensure the integrity of the NCAA Final Four, tournament officials announced Wednesday they had added a play-in game for Virginia Commonwealth University that, if won, would allow the Rams to continue on to the semifinals. "There are a lot of good collegiate basketball programs in the country, and we want to make sure the Final Four is comprised of the absolute best teams," NCAA president Mark Emmert said. "We think VCU's incredible story is what this contest is all about. That's why we can't wait to watch these student-athletes try to continue their Cinderella run against top tournament seed Ohio State." According to Emmert, should VCU win the play-in, defeat Butler, and triumph in the national title game, the Rams will then go to a "winners bracket" in which they will have to defeat all three of the other Final Four teams over and over again until the NCAA is convinced they deserve this year's tournament trophy.
Biggest All-Time NCAA Tournament Upsets #~# Either Butler or VCU will be in the NCAA Tournament's final game this year, raising the possibility of a historic upset and calling to mind these previous David-over-Goliath moments:
America's Next Top RoboCop #~# ABC
Part Of Me Wants To See This Acrobat Fall To His Death vs. Part Of Me Wants To See That Guy In The Third Row Have A Heart Attack In Front Of His Family #~# I'll admit I wasn't that excited to take my wife and children to the circus. I'm 46 years old so I'm not exactly in the target demographic. But I'll tell you, it's pretty hard not to be impressed by these trapeze artists, especially this guy right here in the blue leotard. He's so graceful and precise. And the courage he must have to do this every night? I can't even imagine. It must have taken him years of training to make everything look so effortless.
Crystal Cathedral Sold #~# The Crystal Cathedral, the Orange County, CA megachurch started by televangelist Robert Schuller, has been sold to an investment group so the church can restructure its debt. What do you think?
Charles Barkley: ‘There Were Only Ever 3 Straight NBA Players’ #~# CHICAGO — During Monday’s pregame broadcast, TNT basketball analyst and NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley confirmed that there have been only three straight players in the history of the league: himself and two of his former Phoenix Suns teammates. "So there was me, obviously, Kevin Johnson, and I'm pretty sure Dan Majerle was mostly straight," said Barkley, adding that Wilt Chamberlain had sex with at least twice as many men as women. "George Mikan, Michael Jordan, Jerry West, the entire Detroit Pistons roster under Chuck Daley, Chuck Daley, James Worthy, which is a no-brainer once you meet the guy, Derrick Coleman, and everyone else—all card-carrying friends of Dorothy. I’ll say this, if you want to see gay in all its glory, enter an NBA locker room. There is no more gay-friendly place on earth.” Barkley's controversial statement comes on the heels of another incident just two days earlier, when Kevin McHale, upon being asked about Joakim Noah's use of an antigay slur, responded by passionately kissing TNT commentator Kenny Smith until the channel broke to commercial.
FDA To Increase Recommended Dosage Of Acetaminophen For Children Who Can Handle Their Shit #~# WASHINGTON—The Food and Drug Administration announced Friday that it has approved an increase in the recommended dosage of acetaminophen for children who can hack it. "Our research shows there is a growing number of 2-year-olds out there who are fully able to keep their shit together and hang with the big boys," FDA commissioner Margaret Hamburg said. "Just because some toddlers evidently can't walk the walk doesn't mean that other children should be forced to settle for some pussy little 320 milligrams dose when they could easily handle 960 milligrams if it came down to it. "The three-fold increase of the previously recommended dosage reportedly came about after an FDA researcher accidentally gave her nephew more than she should have and he was totally fine.
Report: Game Of Knockout Awesome #~# CHICAGO—An impromptu game of knockout at Gross Park Sunday involving 10 people and lasting more than 15 minutes was awesome, sources reported. “We had two balls, so we just started playing knockout, and then the game just got really intense and, I have to say, pretty epic,” said 27-year-old participant Drew Carden, who was still catching his breath as he recalled several moments during the rapid-paced foul-shooting game when the action was so compelling he found himself yelling and cheering. “It was Joe [Gamble], [Doug] Foster, and Dave [Stern] down to the wire, and Dave won with this amazing shot all the way from the far corner of the court. He just heaved it up, and it knocked Joe’s ball out of the air and his own bounced in. We all went nuts. It was amazing.” According to sources, everyone agreed to play another game immediately after, though it lasted just three minutes and kind of sucked.
Loser Congressman Carries Around Pocket-Sized Version Of Constitution Everywhere #~# WASHINGTON— Congressional sources confirmed Thursday that “huge nerd” and loser Rep. Daniel Lipinski (D-IL) continues to insist on carrying around a pocket-sized version of the U.S. Constitution at all times. “When he says things like, ‘It’s always good to have one of these handy,’ I kind of just want to punch the little pip-squeak in the mouth,” Sen. John Boozman (R-AR) said of Lipinski, adding that the dorky, four-term congressman can often be seen eating lunch and reading his tiny little book all by himself. “He’s also highlighted parts of it and dog-eared the page where the First Amendment is. There’s no way this dweeb has ever gotten laid, right?” When asked for comment, Lipinski pulled out his mini Constitution and, before he could finish saying “This is what we were elected to uphold,” was loudly told to just give it a rest already.
Pope Vows To Crack Down On Crime In Vatican City Slum #~# VATICAN CITY—In response to a rash of illegal activities in the most impoverished and violent neighborhood of the Holy See, Pope Benedict XVI vowed Monday to eradicate crime in the Vatican City’s slum. 
Frontline #~# PBS
A History Of Lance Armstrong's Doping Allegations #~# Lance Armstrong is fending off accusations by former teammates that he doped himself during his cycling career. Of course, it’s hardly the first time suspicion has been leveled against him:
Man Unable To Explain Contempt He Feels For Group Of People Enjoying One Another's Company #~# RICHMOND, VA—A table of people enjoying a friendly conversation plunged diner John Richards into a deep, bitter resentment Monday that he was completely unable to rationalize. "I can't explain it, but just seeing them there smiling and talking makes me want to kill them all," said Richards, adding that he does not normally think of himself as an absolutely miserable piece of shit. "There's no reason for this. All they're doing is having a nice meal and—oh, you fucking assholes, stop laughing before I stab you in the face. See, there I go again." After changing seats, Richards admitted that the couple sitting across from him staring silently into each other's eyes made him realize that true love is possible between two extremely obnoxious and sickening little pricks.
Veins #~# FOX
Cleveland Enters Second Month Of Complete Silence So As Not To Jinx Indians #~# CLEVELAND—The entire population of Cleveland continued its two-month-long silent streak Saturday, opting to remain completely still so as not to ruin hope for the Indians, who are off to their best start in five years. “Ssshh,” superstitious Indians fan Lindsay Berowski told reporters while placing her index finger over her lips and shaking her head briskly. When asked for further comments about the team’s impressive record, Berowski located a pen and paper and wrote, “Be quiet and please leave.” According to sources, many are blaming Wednesday’s 14-2 loss to the Red Sox on Cleveland resident Paul Eutsey, who recently rose from the chair he had been sitting in for the past month to clean off the dried urine and fecal matter that had caked itself all over his body.
Restaurant That Never Has Customers Celebrates Fifth Weird Year #~# CHICAGO—The Royale restaurant near Rogers Park commemorated its fifth weird year of business Monday the same way it celebrated its opening: with a vague attempt to attract customers by stringing brightly colored plastic flags from the mysterious eatery's storefront to a nearby utility pole. Residents have passed by the fluorescent-lit restaurant since 2006, bearing witness to three "under new management" signs, the promise of live music on Tuesdays, and 24 mismatched and empty chairs. "They're offering a 'buy one, get the second half-price' special," local woman Michelle Durkin said. "But it doesn't say what you have to buy one of. Actually, I've never really been too clear on what kind of food they serve there." According to passersby, the ethnic-looking guy in an apron talking on a pay phone in the back looks like he works there.
'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes #~# CHICAGO—Following various incidents in which they stumbled, got distracted, or simply lost their grip, thousands of dopes across the country announced Friday that they had spilled their sodas.
Google, Sprint Announce Mobile Phone Payment Service #~# Google announced yesterday that it would be rolling out a system in which people could pay for items with their Sprint Android phones. What do you think?
Lance Armstrong: I Never Failed One Of Those Shitty, Easy-To-Fool Doping Tests #~# AUSTIN, TX—Embattled seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong held a press conference this morning to sternly reiterate that during his career he passed every easy-to-mask, ineffective doping test he was ever given. “Let me be entirely clear about this: I, like the hundreds of obviously juiced cyclists who also passed them, never failed one of those shitty tests that you can basically learn how to beat by reading Internet message boards,” Armstrong said. “I repeat: Those tests—which were easily defeated by such simple means as, say, injecting a chemical masking agent, re-transfusing blood, or creating a urine sample out of toilet water and a drop of yellow food coloring—always said I was clean. And anyone who says otherwise is a slanderer.” Armstrong concluded the press conference by challenging his accusers, saying he would retake any of his previously defeated doping tests “anytime, anywhere.”
Study: All American Problems Could Be Solved By Just Stopping And Thinking For Two Seconds #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—A study published Thursday by psychologists at the University of North Carolina concluded that all American problems—from stuck jacket zippers to the national debt—could be solved if citizens just stopped, took a deep breath, and thought for two seconds before they acted. "We found that in 93 percent of cases, a positive outcome could have been achieved if Americans simply splashed a little water on their faces prior to dealing with an unfair boss, being out of clean spoons, signing on to direct a second Wall Street film, or answering a call from a parent," Janet Mallory, the study's lead author, told reporters. "Our data indicate that when U.S. citizens don't take a second to compose themselves, they typically charge in like maniacs and hurt either themselves or several million Iraqi civilians." Mallory said a good rule of thumb for Americans is to think of a plan, stop, and then do the complete opposite.
NASCAR Awards Driver $50,000 For Homophobic Comments #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—NASCAR took direct and immediate action Wednesday in response to homophobic slurs made by driver Kyle Busch last weekend, levying an award of $50,000 to the popular Sprint Cup star.
It's 10 Already? #~# NBC
Report: Kevin Durant’s Success Could Lead To More NBA Teams Drafting Tall Players #~# NEW YORK—Several NBA scouts confirmed Monday that Thunder forward Kevin Durant's recent success in both the regular season and playoffs could prompt more teams to draft very tall players. "We've been following Kevin Durant very closely to see how the Thunder's 'tall-player experiment' would work out, and we've come to the conclusion that players 6-foot-8 and above have the potential to be very effective in the NBA," said Minnesota Timberwolves scout Brent Haskins, acknowledging that many basketball skeptics believed Durant’s tallness would be a disadvantage on the court and that his closeness to the rim would impede his ability to score. "This is a whole new model for the league and could play into the draft quite a bit. We are definitely thinking about going with someone tall this time around." Cleveland Cavaliers scout Trent Redden said that based on Glen "Big Baby" Davis' poor performance in the playoffs, fewer NBA teams would probably draft fat, useless fucks.
Al-Qaeda's New Leadership #~# Following Osama bin Laden's death, the Egyptian-born Saif al-Adel has reportedly been named interim leader of al-Qaeda. Here are some of the new terror head's qualifications:
Smallpox Destruction Delayed #~# The World Health Organization has delayed until 2014 its decision on setting a timetable for the destruction of its storehouse of the smallpox virus. What do you think?
Panicked Man Looking For Son Stressing Everybody Out #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—The commotion caused by a panicked man's frantic search for his missing son Saturday reportedly stressed out dozens of local residents trying to relax and enjoy their afternoon in Lions Park. "He's making me feel really tense," said Stacey Moore, 24, who was distracted from her People magazine when the man scoured the bushes near her blanket. "This guy is literally yelling his kid's name over and over again. I really hope he finds him soon. I'm getting so wound-up that my shoulders are starting to feel tight." According to several eyewitnesses, the sight of the man collapsing to his knees and weeping was very nerve-racking for a local resident trying to concentrate on catching a Frisbee.
Economists Gently Suggest American Manufacturing Maybe Start Again With Something Simple Like A Ball #~# WASHINGTON—After conducting an in-depth analysis of the nation's industrial output and long-term economic future, leading economists delicately suggested this week that maybe American manufacturers might want to think about abandoning their current products and start over with something nice and simple, such as a ball.
Bin Laden Returns To Sea #~# VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—The colossal Osama bin Laden, having carved a swath of unimaginable destruction from New York to Washington, has reentered the ocean, dazed and terrified sources are confirming. Bin Laden, whose rampage officials now say may have killed more than a million people and dealt a crippling blow to the American economy, reportedly waded into the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Virginia. He was last seen slowly disappearing into the water several miles offshore.
Bin Laden's Path Of Destruction #~# Trace the 500-Foot terror leader's path of destruction from New York to Washington D.C.  Back to story.
Enraged 500-Foot-Tall Bin Laden Rises From Sea, Destroys New York, Washington #~# UPDATE: Giant Bin Laden Destroys New York, Washington
California Must Cut Inmate Population #~# The U.S. Supreme Court upheld a ruling requiring the State of California to remove at least 37,000 inmates from its prisons to reduce overcrowding. What do you think?
Unplugged #~# MTV
Let's Just Go Ahead And Assume We've Learned The Lessons Of The Gabrielle Giffords Shooting #~# On Jan. 8, 2011, we as a society were shocked and dismayed when 19 people, including Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, a Democratic congresswoman from Arizona's 8th District, were shot during a public meeting outside a local supermarket. Six people were killed and Rep. Giffords suffered a near-fatal head wound. In the wake of this national tragedy, there seemed to be a clarion call to have an open dialogue about gun control, a thoughtful conversation about the way this country treats its mentally ill, and a long overdue discussion about the consequences of overly inflammatory political rhetoric.
Excited Padres Ask Manager If Cardinals Can Sleep Over #~# SAN DIEGO—Fired up after a fun night of having the St. Louis Cardinals over to play baseball, the San Diego Padres asked manager Bud Black if the visiting team could stay at their stadium for the night, sources confirmed Monday. "I know you usually don’t let us have friends sleep over on a baseball night, but it doesn't make sense to make them go all the way back to their hotel when they could just stay here with us," Padres pitcher Mat Latos was overheard telling his manager while standing next to St. Louis Cardinals pitcher and "new best friend" Kyle Lohse. "Plus, their manager already said it was okay." Black reportedly allowed the sleepover, but he made his team promise not to stay up too late or get so loud that they wake the umpires.
Woman Arrested In Moon Rock Sale Bust #~# A California woman was placed in custody after attempting to sell a moon rock to an undercover NASA investigator for $1.7 million. What do you think?
We In Golden Age Of Thing, Guy Who Likes Thing Reports #~# TULSA, OK—According to 37-year-old aficionado Niles Stefanovich, who said he's been following this for a really long time, we are currently living through a golden age of the thing he personally enjoys, takes great interest in, and is knowledgeable of. "What we're seeing now is a full-on renaissance—it hasn't been this good since the '70s," Stefanovich told reporters Tuesday, listing several examples of the thing now getting "way overdue" recognition. "I think people will look back at 2011 as a crucial turning point for [the thing]." Stefanovich warned that it was only a matter of time before it all got completely watered-down, so people should enjoy it now before the whole thing gets co-opted by Nike or McDonald's.
16 & Pure Energy #~# MTV
Fewer Emergency Rooms As Need Increases #~# According to a study published in The Journal Of The American Medical Association, the number of non-rural emergency rooms fell 27 percent even as ER visits nationwide rose 35 percent. What do you think?
Old Photographs Reveal Grandmother Never That Attractive #~# POCATELLO, ID—Family members gathered around a photo collage of matriarch Maria Esquivel, 85, were surprised to learn Tuesday that she was never really very beautiful. The faded black-and-white photos revealed that, in childhood, her plain brown eyes did not have a mischievous twinkle, and in adulthood, her stout body and broad features placed her roughly in the 45th percentile of feminine attractiveness. "Wow, she was so plain when she was younger," confirmed Esquivel's granddaughter Carrie, as she stared at the photograph, wide-eyed. "Guess grandma was never much to look at, huh?" Upon completing the trip down memory lane, family members ran their fingers across the precious photographs once more, quietly thanked God they got their grandfather's looks, and put the photos back on Esquivel's casket.
Neurologists Implore Professional Athletes To Wait Until They Are Dead To Send In Brains For Research #~# ST. PAUL—The American Academy of Neurology issued a statement this week urging professional athletes with suspected concussions to wait until they are deceased before sending in their brains for research. "We already have numerous brains to study, so please stop prying open your skulls with chisels and crowbars and scooping your brain matter into a mailing envelopes," said AAN president Bruce Sigsbee  MD, adding that neurologists have also received the decapitated heads of 200 professional athletes who could not figure out how to remove their brains from their skulls. "However, if athletes do feel compelled to ship us their brains before their death, we recommend they not bash in their heads with a large rock to retrieve it, as it may damage the neural tissue and prevent proper diagnosis."  Sources at the U.S. postal service confirmed that they have already discovered over 200 professional athletes with their heads stuck in mailboxes after attempting to mail themselves.
Maple Syrup Reactors Safe, Canadian Prime Minister Reassures #~# OTTAWA—Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper addressed growing public concerns about the safety of his country's maple syrup reactors Thursday, reassuring citizens that the sucrose fission facilities posed little risk of failure and there was absolutely no reason to be concerned.
Russell Westbrook #~# Point guards are resurgent across the NBA, and there may be no better example of the modern point guard than Westbrook. Is he any good?
Lunatic Realizes Thing He Screamed In Middle Of Street Earlier Not Entirely True #~# EUGENE, OR—Local insane person Nathan Yeckly admitted Tuesday that upon further reflection, several of the things he screamed at passing cars, pedestrians, and animals while standing in the middle of East 18th Street were perhaps slightly embellished. "In retrospect, I may have somewhat overstated the Supreme Court's role in aiding the beef industry's plan to slowly poison every person in America," said Yeckly, adding that while there is no question the CIA is using satellites to taint livestock with infrared lasers, he has little proof of the high court's participation. "I mentioned the Supreme Court to add some weight to my argument, and for that I apologize. Especially to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. It's just patently untrue that she has the power to control my thoughts; all she can do is read them." Yeckly also expressed regret for vowing to "kill everyone of you," saying that he now realizes he only needs to murder those who know.
Astros Sold By Best Door-To-Door Salesman In The World #~# HOUSTON—Cliff Williams, the No. 1 door-to-door purveyor of electric razors, kitchen knives, and mechanical adding machines, confirmed Friday that he "sealed the deal" on his sale of the Houston Astros to businessman Jim Crane. "I says to Mr. Crane, 60 dimes on the spot, no bumps in the price, and you get yourself a honey of a franchise that'll make your old lady smile," Williams said while snapping his fingers, adding that he closed the deal by tossing in a $50 cash rebate and foul poles at no extra charge. "With some of these ball clubs you have to worry about who’s hitting, who's not. With the Astros, it's all clockwork, baby. Hunter Pence, Carlos Lee—these are real, genuine, top-notch quality ballplayers, I tell ya. And that’s a Cliff Williams guarantee!" Immediately following his comments, Williams hopped on a train to Pawhuska, OK, where he was meeting "some poor schnook" who was interested in purchasing the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Man's Life Riddled With Continuity Errors #~# DENTON, TX—Sources confirmed Friday that the life of local marketing associate Rich Hammond has been plagued by a series of glaring errors in continuity, leading many to believe it was poorly thought out, with little regard for basic logic or consistency.
Star Trek: The Next Iteration #~# CW
World To End Saturday #~# According to Harold Camping, the founder of Family Radio, the world will come to an end on Saturday. What do you think?
Government Official Who Makes Perfectly Valid, Well-Reasoned Point Against Israel Forced To Resign #~# WASHINGTON—State Department diplomat Nelson Milstrand, who appeared on CNN last week and offered an informed, thoughtful analysis implying that Israel could perhaps exercise more restraint toward Palestinian moderates in disputed territories, was asked to resign Tuesday. “The United States deeply regrets any harm Mr. Milstrand’s careful, even-tempered, and factually accurate remarks may have caused our democratic partner in the Middle East,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said in an unequivocal condemnation of the veteran foreign-service officer’s perfectly reasonable statements. “U.S. policy toward Israel continues to be one of unconditional support and fawning sycophancy.” Milstrand, 63, will reportedly appear at an AIPAC conference to offer a full apology as soon as his trial concludes and his divorce is finalized.
Player-Led Workouts #~# In a normal year, most NFL teams would be starting their minicamps right now. With the lockout in effect, some players have taken the initiative to organize workouts on their own, with varying degrees of success.
Mavericks: Winning Championship For Jason Kidd Not Really A Factor In Wanting NBA Title #~# DALLAS—Already one game up in the Western Conference Finals and within sight of the NBA title, the Dallas Mavericks confirmed Thursday they were not putting any special thought or effort into winning the championship for veteran point guard Jason Kidd.
Dollars, Design & Dennis #~# HGTV
Fiscally I'm A Right-Wing Nutjob, But On Social Issues I'm Fucking Insanely Liberal #~# The world is a complicated place, and in this day and age, you just can't expect a person to fall on the same political side of every issue he is confronted with. Things are more nuanced than that, and the average American might think one way about one topic, and a completely different way about another. For instance, when it comes to fiscal issues, I consider myself to be a rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth, right-wing lunatic. But on the social front, I'm a completely out-of-his-mind, wacked-out liberal loon.
Santorum Contradicts McCain On ‘Enhanced Interrogation’ #~# In a radio interview Tuesday, presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said he thinks torture critic Sen. John McCain "doesn't understand how enhanced interrogation works." What do you think?
High School Fuckup Now In Charge Of Checking Airport Luggage For Explosives #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—Former D-plus student and complete fuckup Malcolm Tibbets, 28, was recently entrusted by the Transportation Security Administration with the task of searching all bags for explosive devices or other weapons that could kill passengers or cause irreparable damage at Birmingham-Shuttlesworth International Airport. “What I do is real important,” said the semiliterate, five-year Birmingham Central student, shaking a peanut brittle package next to his ear several times before replacing it in a passenger’s bag. “Got to make sure no bombs get on the planes.” According to airport sources, Tibbets, who once tried to punch his 11th-grade English teacher, was given the bag-searching job in December after TSA personnel deemed him the sharpest man on the metal detector team.
Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups #~# 'Mature Adults Could Be Gone Within 50 Years,' Experts Say
Now's Not The Time For Spiders! #~# Disc
Bin Laden's Abandoned Terror Plots #~# Poring over materials seized during the raid in Pakistan, intelligence officials have discovered Osama bin Laden wanted to commit new acts of terror to drive the United States out of the Middle East. Here are some of the plots he had devised:
Sesame Street #~# PBS
A Look Inside Planned Parenthood's $8 Billion Abortionplex #~# Climbing wall, food court, large-capacity fetus incinerators: Look inside Planned Parenthood’s new abortionplex. 
Scott Erickson Attempts To Sell 1994 No-Hitter On eBay #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Hoping to make a little extra money, former Minnesota Twins pitcher Scott Erickson placed his 1994 no-hitter against the Milwaukee Brewers up for sale on eBay Sunday. "It's 17 years old, but I guarantee this game is still 100% hitless," read the listing, which after four days online has received one bid of $4.75. "You get all five strikeouts, four walks, even the six runs my teammates put up in support. Trust me, this is truly a fine game to own." Erickson has set the no-hitter’s Buy It Now price at $2,500.
Daughter Taken From Mom After Botox Admission #~# After telling Good Morning America she gave her 8-year-old Botox injections to make her more competitive in beauty pageants, California mother Kerry Campbell lost custody of her daughter to the state. What do you think?
Obama, Tennessee Titans Have No Clue Why Team Invited To White House #~# WASHINGTON—As cameras snapped and members of the press looked on, neither President Obama nor members of the Tennessee Titans were able to provide any indication as to why the professional football team might have been invited to visit the White House Tuesday. "We are honored to have this team here today," said Obama, who paused to confer privately with an aide after appearing confused by the appearance in the Oval Office of the NFL's 27th-ranked team. "It's good to see you. God bless America." Following the exchange, the befuddled Titans handed the president a jersey, posed for more pictures, and flew back to Nashville in confused silence.
Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex #~# TOPEKA, KS—Planned Parenthood announced Tuesday the grand opening of its long-planned $8 billion Abortionplex, a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to terminate unborn lives with an efficiency never before thought possible.
Oklahoma City Thunder Wander Town Aimlessly Looking For Place To Celebrate Big Win #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Following their Game 7 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies Sunday, Thunder players spent several hours wandering the streets of Oklahoma City in search of a decent bar or nightclub to celebrate the organization's first Western Conference Finals appearance. "We figured we'd eventually find something, but every place we saw was either closed, pretty empty, or really sad-looking," Thunder guard Russell Westbrook told reporters, adding that Yelp searches on his phone found mostly "nasty cigar lounges and bowling alleys." "You'd think there'd be at least one 24-hour diner or something. You guys just want to go back to the arena and play some more basketball?" After Thunder players spent approximately 45 minutes standing on a street corner asking one another if they were still up for celebrating—and trying to determine if Kevin Durant was serious when he suggested they all drive to Tulsa—the team eventually decided to just go home.
Massachusetts Mayors Battle Melatonin Brownie #~# The mayors of Fall River, MA and New Bedford, MA are seeking to ban Lazy Cakes, a brownie containing 8 milligrams of melatonin, claiming the cartoon character on its package is being used to market the product to children. What do you think?
Baseball Experts: It Still Early #~# NEW YORK— Despite the fact that the season is well over a month old and league standings are starting to take shape, Major League Baseball experts confirmed Monday that it is still way too early. “Lots of baseball to be played between now and October, folks,” leading baseball analysts, commentators, and writers have repeatedly said this week, adding that the World Series isn’t won in May. “At the All-Star break maybe we can talk a little more seriously.” Professional analysts stated that while there is still plenty of time, it is too late for the Minnesota Twins.
Desperate PBS Premieres Nova: Boobs A-Bouncin' #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Scrambling to secure much-needed funding, the Public Broadcasting Service began its spring pledge drive Monday with the debut broadcast of Nova: Boobs A-Bouncin'. "We at PBS are proud to present this latest installment in our award-winning science series," PBS spokesperson David Brennan said of the two-hour special devoted to the science of breast mobility. "As you'll see, Boobs A-Bouncin' covers all the ups-and-downs, side-to-sides, and other various jiggling patterns associated with the physics of breasts in motion. Please enjoy this episode, and please, please call the number at the bottom of your screen to donate." Faced with a similar budget shortfall, NPR announced last week that it had retooled its popular show Fresh Air so that Terry Gross would now conduct all her interviews from a Sybian.
Vatican Blames Man-Made Emissions For Global Warming #~# A scientific panel convened by the Vatican called upon people to work to reduce the emission of greenhouse gasses to slow global climate change. What do you think?
Genuine Love And Respect Only Thing Holding Area Relationship Together #~# CROWLEY, LA—According to friends of Brian and Stacey Stockton, the couple's 30-year marriage is currently hanging by a thread, with only their profound love and mutual respect for one another keeping them together. "If they don't get a divorce soon, I'd be surprised, because at this point all they've really got to go on is their deep, abiding trust, strong sense of commitment, and willingness to compromise," neighbor Vince Cafferty told reporters Sunday, adding that the only thing preventing the couple from separating is the fact that they've acted as beacons of support and affection for each other from the moment they first met. "Marriages like that—built on empathy, a rock-solid belief system, and undying devotion—simply can't last. There's just nothing there." Cafferty added that he thinks the Stocktons are only staying together for their kids, who went away to college years ago, have recently gotten married, and now use their parents' relationship as a model for their own.
Load Of Mulch Dumped In Kind Of Ballsy Location #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—Onlookers expressed shock and grudging admiration Wednesday after noticing a full load of mulch had been dumped in what all agreed was a pretty ballsy location.
Animal Kingdom #~# This 20-1 longshot wasn't presumed to be quick in the dirt, but he finished with a blistering final half-mile to win the 137th Kentucky Derby. Is he any good?
Man Eating Cashew Butter Can’t Believe He Wasted So Many Years Fucking Around With Peanut Butter #~# SYRACUSE, NY—After enjoying his first taste of cashew butter Monday, blindsided local man Gus Darius declared that he was “utterly ashamed” of all the years he’d wasted on the far inferior taste of peanut butter. “You’d think it would be obvious, seeing as cashews taste way, way better than peanuts, but apparently that thought never managed to enter my thick fucking skull,” Darius told reporters, calling himself an “real asshole” for ever picking up and enjoying a jar of peanut butter. “Every day in college, I’d sit there with a thumb up my ass, eating PB and J sandwich like some kind of goddamned rube, and now I’ll never get those years back. Why did Mom never tell me about this? Fuck.” At press time, Darius had switched loyalties back to peanut butter, after realizing that a jar of cashew butter costs $8.99.
Friends And Family Worry As Athlete May Be Permanently Stuck In Zone #~# BOSTON—After Bulls guard Derrick Rose led the Bulls past the Hawks averaging almost 30 points in six games, concern rose among friends and family that Rose could potentially be stuck in the zone, forever doomed to hit jump shots, break down defenses, and experience the game at a much slower pace than everyone else on the court. “Dear God, please let him miss his next shot,” Rose’s trembling mother told reporters, adding that by just looking at his determined facial expression, she could see that he was “totally in it.” “His stroke is just too smooth right now. Somebody needs to put an end to this horrible, horrible hot streak. I want my son back.” At press time, the family remained horrified as they overheard their son tell his teammates during a timeout that the basket looks like an ocean to him right now.
Gentle Ben Biographer's Shocking New Book Reveals Famous Bear's 28-Pine-Marten-A-Day Habit #~# LOS ANGELES—The film community was stunned Tuesday by a new biography’s allegations that at the peak of his acting career, celebrated American black bear Gentle Ben was a ferocious addict who consumed up to 28 pine martens a day. “I spoke to a production assistant whose job was to buy the pine martens and sneak them into Gentle’s trailer,” said Gary Collins, whose book Go, Gentle, Into That Good Night contends the bear “was not always as gentle as his public image would suggest.” “He refused to work until he’d had at least five pine martens, and by the time he stumbled onto the set, he could barely make it through his scenes. When he finally crashed, he sometimes hibernated for a year or more. That cost him a role on Grizzly Adams.” According to the book, it was only with the help of Bear Jesus that Gentle Ben was able to break the chains of his crippling Mustelidae addiction.
Nation Wrestling With Notion Of Mark Cuban Winning NBA Title #~# DALLAS—Within hours of the Mavericks sweeping the Lakers Sunday to advance to the NBA Western Conference Finals, basketball fans across the United States began preparing themselves for the very real possibility of outspoken libertarian and tech billionaire Mark Cuban winning an NBA championship. “Yeah, I know, first thought that occurred to me was ‘Oh, man, that would be terrible,’” said Eugene, OR water-treatment plant worker Tracy Williams, adding that his jaw clenched uncomfortably at the idea of Cuban kissing the championship trophy with his “big, loud, stupid mouth.” "But then I thought, you know what? The guy clearly loves his team. He treats his players great. Maybe he does deserve an NBA title. Then I got pissed off at myself for thinking that.” At press time, reporters are currently weighing the pros and cons of asking Mark Cuban to comment.
HP Unveils Non-Computer For Those Who Don't Need A Computer #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Hewlett-Packard announced Friday the release of the first-ever non-computer, a fully unusable device specially designed to address the demands of individuals who have absolutely no need to own a computer.
Career Highlights Of Phil Jackson #~# Thirteen-time NBA champion Phil Jackson, the man who most thoroughly embodies the idea of the basketball guru, is saying he’ll hang it up now that his Lakers have been eliminated from the playoffs. We look back on his life and career:
Bronx Zoo Loses Peacock #~# Following a high-profile cobra escape earlier this year, the world-famous Bronx Zoo had a peacock go missing this week. What do you think?
Every Player Begins Hitting Home Runs After Copying Albert Pujols’ Stance, Swing #~# NEW YORK—All 750 Major League Baseball players reported extreme increases in their number of hits, RBIs, and home runs Saturday after closely studying and mimicking Albert Pujols’ batting stance and swing. “I saw him getting so many hits and figured, hey, I ought to do exactly what he’s doing,” said Royals shortstop Alicides Escobar, who was batting .226 until copying Pujols, and has now gone 39-for-50 with 28 RBIs and 13 home runs. “All I do is get in the batter’s box, spread my feet way apart like he does, hold the bat in the exact same spot, and then crack another dinger. I don’t know if it helps me to copy that facial expression he makes when he waits for a pitch, but I figured it couldn’t hurt.” In related news, all 30 pitching staffs have claimed that their efforts to combat the offensive explosion by copying Roy Halladay’s windup is working, as evidenced by the fact that Joba Chamberlain no longer looks like a helpless idiot when he’s on the mound.
Area Man Has Some Pretty Shitty Mob Ties #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Despite local contractor Danny Polazza's frequent claims that "he knows a few guys," friends confirmed Monday that the 42-year-old's ties to the Mafia are actually pretty shitty. "He's always using this really knowing voice to ask us if there's anything we need—'anything at all'—but the most impressive thing he's ever come through with is tickets to a semi-pro hockey match," said Ryan Lambert, who grew up with Polazza and once received a free case of Vitamin Water from him. "Sometimes he'll show up with these calzones that are really delicious, but I'm pretty sure he pays for those out of his own pocket." Reached for comment, Polazza told reporters that if they kept their mouths shut and didn't ask too many questions, he could get them backstage during New Brunswick High School's spring production of Pippin.
Justin Verlander Doesn’t Bother Telling Parents Difference Between No-Hitter And Perfect Game #~# DETROIT—Following a phone call home Monday, Tigers starting pitcher Justin Verlander said that he hadn’t even bothered to explain the difference between a no-hitter and a perfect game to his parents, claiming that going into the various details would be more trouble than it was worth.
Have My Leftovers #~# Food
I Gave You Life, You Ungrateful Bastard #~# WE
If I See Doug, I'm Going To Kick His Ass vs. Apparently Doug Is A Better Fighter Than I Thought #~# That's it. Doug thinks he can talk shit behind my back and get away with it? Oh, no, my friend, that's not gonna fly with me. That motherfucker's a dead man. A dead man! Running his mouth like a little bitch. The fuck does he think he is, anyway? Doug needs to get his smug face smashed in right now, and I don't give a shit where—outside his house or in a parking lot or on his lunch break in front of his whole fucking office. Give me two minutes, man. I'll teach him to mess with Rick Stovall.
Shriver, Schwarzenegger Separate #~# After 25 years of marriage, former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and former NBC News reporter Maria Shriver announced they are separating. What do you think?
It Pleases Me To Announce The Elevation And Coronation Of Hammond Morris, The Onion's New Advertising Czar #~# When the Onion's groveling, sniveling Board of Directors approached me with the idea of hiring someone to act as supreme imperator of all advertising-related matters, I was so shocked and enraged by their presumption that a fulminating cascade of bilious ichor shot forth from my nostrils. I appointed those spineless puppets to carry out my wishes, not to display any sort of initiative or independence what-so-ever!
John Edwards Pays $30 To Register Edwards2016.com Just In Case #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—Disgraced former senator and democratic presidential candidate John Edwards told reporters Friday that while he has no plans to run for president in 2016, he has nonetheless registered Edwards2016.com because "you never know." "I'm definitely not going to run—it's completely out of the question—but it never hurts to keep your options open," said Edwards, whose political career effectively ended after it was revealed that he had fathered a child with a former campaign worker while his wife was dying of breast cancer. "It's only 30 bucks, so I figured, why not? Better safe than sorry." According to Edwards, if he does run, which he adamantly stated he was not going to do, he's already got a few campaign slogan ideas he brainstormed "just for the hell of it."
Report: Area Woman Has Best Friends In Whole World #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—A new report released Wednesday by a privately funded think tank revealed that local receptionist Amanda Berley, 31, has the best friends in the whole world.
Zeitgeist Hunters #~# Syfy
Storage Wars #~# A&E;
Rate Of Uninformed Conversations About Navy SEALs Skyrockets #~# WASHINGTON—The frequency and detail of uninformed conversations about the required strength, agility, and killing abilities of the Navy SEALs has increased exponentially since the SEAL-led operation to kill Osama bin Laden, Pentagon officials told reporters Monday. “Since last week, the number of people who have incorrectly stated that all SEAL members must do 300 pull-ups in a minute, earn advanced calculus degrees from MIT, and be able to hold their breath underwater for an hour, has been extraordinarily high,” said Pentagon press secretary Geoff Morrell, adding that the comment, “I heard you need to be able shoot a quarter from a mile away after running for four hours straight,” has been idiotically uttered in more than 65 percent of discussions related to the military operation. “Just to set the record straight: Navy SEALs are allowed to talk to their families. Ninety percent of them do not die during training. And members of SEAL Team Six did not have to fight and kill a tiger shark in order to be admitted.” Morrell added that current enlistment numbers couldn’t possibly account for the number of Americans claiming they have an uncle in the Navy SEALs.
The Post-College Job Hunt #~# Members of the class of 2011 are facing an anemic job market as the national unemployment rate hovers around 9 percent. Here are some of the ways graduating seniors are getting a leg up:
Gingrich Announces Candidacy #~# Former House speaker Newt Gingrich is announcing he will run for president in 2012. What do you think?
Area Nephew A Very Funny Young Man #~# TACOMA, WA—Calling him "quick" and "very clever," local aunt Maria Palmer, 47, confirmed Wednesday that her nephew Gregory Olsen is a very funny young man. "It's like having a stand-up comedian in your living room," said Palmer, adding that the entertaining 13-year-old boy cracks her up with both his funny skits and his "spot-on" impression of Regis Philbin. "I don't know where he comes up with this stuff!" According to reports, Palmer has told her nephew that he should send in some of his jokes to Saturday Night Live.
Exhausted Derek Jeter Sleeps 20 Hours Straight After 2-Home-Run Game #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Following his 4-for-6, two-home-run performance against the Rangers Sunday, 36-year-old Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter went back to the team hotel and slept for almost the entire day Monday, team sources reported. “By that second home run trot, he looked absolutely exhausted,” said teammate CC Sabathia, adding that Jeter began nodding off on the team bus and fell asleep immediately upon entering his hotel room. “I don’t even think he took off his shoes. He just fell onto the bed and was out like a light.” Added Sabathia, “Taking all those swings and running around all those bases? It was a big day for the old guy.”
Obama Makes It Through Another Day Of Resisting Urge To Launch All U.S. Nuclear Weapons At Once #~# WASHINGTON—Despite being constantly tempted by the seductive power of having an apocalyptic arsenal at his fingertips, President Barack Obama somehow made it through another day Tuesday without unlocking the box on his desk that houses "the button" and launching all 5,113 U.S. nuclear warheads.
Team Owners Object to MLB's New Run-Sharing Agreement #~# NEW YORK—Major League Baseball's latest effort to achieve competitive parity by having larger-market teams share their runs with small-market teams drew fire last Wednesday after owners complained that the rule unfairly penalized better-performing clubs. "Subsidizing the offense of other teams isn't our job, so it really hurts when the Yankees lose because we have to give two of our five runs to the Royals," said Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner, referring to the previous night, when the league determined a Derek Jeter double off Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander had driven in Kansas City's Wilson Betemit and Mike Aviles. "And the Royals still got beat by the Orioles in extra innings." According to the agreement, the only big-market team that does not have to share its runs is the New York Mets "because, well, they're the New York Mets."
142 Plane Crash Victims Were Statistically More Likely To Have Died In A Car Crash #~# WASHINGTON—Following last week’s deadly crash of United Airlines flight 9753, which claimed the lives of 137 passengers and five crew members, the National Transportation Safety Board announced Wednesday that the victims were actually far likelier to have perished in an automobile accident. “Although these individuals died tragically, it’s important to remember that their flight was 80 times less likely to kill them than if they had driven to their destination,” said NTSB chairperson Deborah Hersman, adding that their horrific deaths were “almost a statistical impossibility” when compared to highway travel. “In actuality, these people were 11 times more likely to die crossing the street than in the terrifying onboard fire and subsequent 10,000-foot free fall that took their lives.” Hersman concluded by reaching out to the victims’ families, stating that she sincerely wished they would have been able to see 24 of their loved ones eventually die of violent heart attacks, 20 waste away from cancer, and one or two commit suicide, as would be expected of a random 142-person sample.
Parental Drinking Supervision Doesn't Work #~# A new study concludes that teens who drink with parental approval and supervision have a higher risk of becoming problem drinkers than those who wait until they're 21. What do you think?
Landlords Urged To Be Vigilant Against Terrorists #~# Following the death of Osama bin Laden, the Department of Homeland Security has urged landlords to be on the alert for radicalized individuals who may be occupying their buildings. What do you think?
Report: Samantha's New Haircut Pretty Bad, But Don't Say Anything #~# COOKEVILLE, TN—According to a report from the Department of Health and Human Services, the haircut Cookeville resident Samantha Howard got Tuesday looks pretty terrible, but please don't say anything, because she's already a little insecure about it. "It's kind of choppy and lopsided, like one of those hairstyles they say is going to make you look young and cool, but Samantha just can't pull it off," HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said. "Her face is too round, for one thing. Please be advised to tell her it's fine and then change the subject." As of press time, Howard's haircut just needed to grow in a little, and Americans were being urged to support her decision to maybe wear it in a ponytail for now.
Slow-Working Pitcher Really Getting Inside Head Of Kid In Crowd Who Needs To Go To The Bathroom #~# DETROIT—Three hours and only six innings into the Tigers-Indians game last Sunday, Detroit starting pitcher Brad Penny's slow work on the mound was effective in getting inside the head of 6-year-old spectator Jacob Windham, who badly needed to use a restroom. "At this point—no outs, multiple lazy throws to first, and his dad refusing for a fourth time to take him to the bathroom until the inning's over—the kid's completely at the mercy of Penny," Tigers radio analyst Jim Price remarked. "You can see him squirming up there, shifting his weight around. He knows his only chance is to keep his head down and avoid looking at that fountain in center field." Following another mound visit by catcher Alex Alvila, Penny finally got to Windham when the kid pissed himself and had to be taken out of the game screaming and crying.
Budget Mix-Up Provides Nation's Schools With Enough Money To Properly Educate Students #~# WASHINGTON—According to bewildered and contrite legislators, a major budgetary mix-up this week inadvertently provided the nation's public schools with enough funding and resources to properly educate students.
Area Woman Marries Into Health Insurance #~# SAN FRANCISCO—The motives of local woman Janet Debois, 28, came under scrutiny Sunday following accusations that she had only married Vince Davidson, 31, for his generous health insurance policy. “She wasn't even into Vince until he started flashing around his Blue Cross/Blue Shield card," said Carly Platt, a longtime acquaintance who speculated Debois might one day leave her new husband for an older man with a smaller co-pay. "You could just see the wheels turning in her head once she found out his dental plan covered twice-annual cleanings. Then it was a sprint to the altar." Sources close to Davidson confirmed he plans to use his wife as a tax write-off.
What's The Point? #~# ABC
UFC Fighter Has Idea For T-Shirt With A Bunch Of Shit Written All Over It #~# LAS VEGAS—Mixed martial artist Phillipe Nover announced design plans Thursday for a new T-shirt that he claimed would be completely covered in hundreds of dumbshit fighting terms and stupid fucking tribal patterns. "This shirt will feature a rambling assortment of worthless violent images and words, like 'grapple' and 'slam,' all thrown together in the most unappealing colors possible," said Nover, adding that graphics would include spray-painted angel wings, laughing skulls wearing crowns, random splatter marks, and other images so idiotic they could only appeal to 8-year-old boys from Long Island or emotionally undeveloped middle-aged men. "It's going to look like two Ed Hardy shirts fucked and vomited on each other. I can guarantee it will be the stupidest, ugliest T-shirt ever made." When asked if the inside tag would also feature an unsightly design, Nover admitted he had not yet thought of that but would be sure to include "machine guns or naked lady silhouettes or something else that's stupid."
Attempt To Recreate Incredible Night Out From Youth Works Perfectly #~# MADISON, WI—An attempt by old college friends to relive a fun night out from more than 20 years ago went perfectly Friday, with no one involved experiencing the innate futility of trying to recapture the glory days of their youth, sources later confirmed.
Man Angry At Self After Not Recognizing Actress In Eyelash Commercial #~# TEMPE, AZ—Local research assistant Rob Greenfield descended into anger Tuesday after not being able to name the actress he saw in an ad for Revlon CustomEyes mascara. “Come on,  come on, I know this—Jennifer, Julie something?—I want to say Jessica Alba, but it’s obviously not her,” said Greenfield, whose frustration continued to mount throughout the commercial break and well into the next segment of Hawaii Five-0. “Fuck, this is going to kill me. It’s the girl from The Illusionist.” As of press time, it was Jessica Biel.
Report: NFL Players Look Weird In Suits #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Professional Association of Custom Clothiers, NFL players, especially offensive linemen, generally look really weird in suits. "The suits themselves are actually very nice, but something about NFL players' bodies just make the whole thing look very awkward," the report read in part, adding that an aspect of the initial weirdness is that NBA players "just look way better" in suits than NFL players do. "And it's not that the suits don't fit correctly, either. It's hard to explain. It's just that bizarre combination of very thick necks and plump heads jutting out of common business attire that looks plain off." The report concluded that even the quarterbacks "look like they're wearing a costume or something."
Man Could See Himself Spending Rest Of Life With Image Of Woman In Head #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—According to friends and associates, 28-year-old Tallahassee resident Paul Curnow could really see himself spending the rest of his life with the highly idealized version of Allison James, a 23-year-old personal assistant with whom he’s gone on two dates. “She’s perfect for me,” Curnow said of the woman who in actuality shares none of his interests or ambitions, has no intention of settling down, and plans to move to California in the spring. “I can see us buying an old place downtown, fixing it up, having a couple kids, maybe opening a little shop around the corner. It’d be a nice life.” James could not be reached for comment, as she was making out with another man in the back of the bar at the time.
Athletes In Politics #~# Every now and then, someone from the world of sports decides his experience will translate to the political arena. Here’s how that has worked out so far:
NASCAR Drivers Stop Cars Mid-Race, Exit Vehicles, Walk Off Premises #~# 'This is Ridiculous,' Drivers Say
California Has Nation's Worst Air #~# According to an annual survey by the American Lung Association, California cities have the worst air quality in the United States. What do you think?
Penguin Autopsy #~# ANIMAL
U.S. Sets Tornado Record #~# The National Weather Service reported a new record for number of tornadoes in a day, with 312 counted in a 24-hour period last week. What do you think?
Hundreds Of Horrified Onlookers Gather Around Wreckage Of Area Man #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying they found themselves shocked, appalled, and yet unable to look away, hundreds of passersby stopped to view the horrible wreckage of 34-year-old local resident Tim Finucane on Tuesday.
Obama Finally Tells Rambling Tom Vilsack To Shut The Fuck Up During Cabinet Meeting #~# WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack spent nearly 20 minutes of a cabinet meeting Tuesday rambling on about recent fluctuations in the price of corn before President Barack Obama finally told him to "shut the fuck up." "Look, Tom, I like you, I do, but we have some serious shit to talk about here," said Obama, who during previous meetings of the executive branch's top officials has reportedly listened with patience to Vilsack's digressions before moving on to other subjects. "Seriously, how long do you expect a group of people to listen to one man talk about corn? I'm sick of it, and everyone else in this room is fucking sick of it, and you need to shut the fuck up now." Sources confirmed Vilsack spent the rest of the day asking other cabinet members whether he was out of line or the president was just being a dick.
Beastie Boys Release New Album #~# The Beastie Boys have released a new album, Hot Sauce Committee Part Two, the hip-hop trio's eighth in 25 years. Here are some of the highlights from the group's career:
Supreme Court Hinders Consumer Rights To Sue #~# The U.S. Supreme Court ruled last week that companies could force dissatisfied customers into individual arbitration and prevent them from banding together in a class-action lawsuit. What do you think?
Phillies Season-Ticket Holder Stuck With Goddamn Joe Blanton Game Again #~# PHILADELPHIA—Philadelphia Phillies fan Rick Kirkland was disappointed to learn Friday that his season-ticket package had once again dealt him a game started by the fifth man in the team’s rotation, Joe Blanton. “Four of five starters are All-Stars, and we get the shitty one again?” said Kirkland, who has had to endure the mediocre Blanton the past eight times he has taken his family to the ballpark. “Do you have any idea what it costs to go to these games? If I wanted my kid to see a guy who will be totally forgotten in a few years struggle to locate an 89-mile-per-hour fastball, I could take him to a college game, for fuck’s sake.” Kirkland did express some hope a rainout might alter the rotation schedule, but when asked about the scenario, Phillies manager Charlie Manuel confirmed he would still start Blanton just to spite the ticket holder.
Congress Gets In 12 Solid Hours Of Gridlocking Before Calling It A Day #~# Legislators Proudly Call Gridlocking Session A 'Team Effort'
Guy Who Came In Late Not Sure How Much Longer He Should Pretend To Be Frazzled #~# AMHERST, MA—After walking into a meeting 15 minutes late Tuesday, graphic designer Charles Hill remained unsure of how long he should maintain the appearance of being frazzled. "When I first got there, I mentioned how bad traffic was, being careful as I did so to move and speak somewhat frantically while noisily removing my coat as though I were actually concerned about my tardiness," Hill said on his lunch break, pretending to rifle through his bag with great purpose. "I could just drop the act when we resume, but I feel like running my hands through my hair a bunch and sighing as loudly and heavily as possible while clicking my mouse and waiting for programs to load would really seal the deal. I'll just play it by ear." At press time, an unusually alert Hill was appearing to be intensely interested in what one of his coworkers was saying.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon #~# NBC
Mariah Spawns Twins #~# Singer Mariah Carey gave birth to twins, one boy and one girl, on Saturday. What do you think?
Knicks Management Puzzled As To Why Chauncey Billups Wants To Return #~# NEW YORK—Several members of New York Knicks management expressed bewilderment Thursday as to why Chauncey Billups would openly express a desire to return for a second season with the organization. "He knows this is the New York Knicks, right?” said team president Donnie Walsh, explaining he was skeptical of Billups’ request and outlining a list of reasons why, which included outdated facilities, an unreliable fan base, and his recent managerial track record. "He must have meant the Nets. They have a new arena, they have Jay-Z… Yeah, he probably meant the Nets." After several phone calls to ask Billups if he "was positive" and "wasn’t just messing around," Knicks management immediately picked up the 34-year-old point guard's option for next year and began negotiating a 10-year, $140 million extension.
The White Nation Will Never Resume Its Rightful Place Until One Of Us Learns How To Make A Decent Website #~# My Aryan brethren, White America is under siege. Every day, millions of Mexicans are using our schools and hospitals tax-free; blacks are receiving affirmative-action jobs and scholarships that are rightly ours; and by 2025, our great race will be a minority in this country. To reclaim our national birthright, we must join together, take up the glorious mantle of our proud European forebears, and finally figure out how to build a website that isn't a total fucking joke.
Pfizer Breaks Psychological Need To Always Seek FDA's Approval #~# NEW YORK—Pfizer spokesman Vincent Martin announced that the company had achieved a major personal breakthrough Monday by finally summoning the courage and confidence to overcome its need to constantly seek the FDA's approval. "We've spent so many years fretting and obsessing over what the FDA would think of our new drugs, when all that time, the only people we really should have been worried about pleasing was ourselves," said Martin, who was emotionally supported onstage by other international drug company spokesmen who have been through this exact same thing. "So you know what? From now on, we're just going to start manufacturing drugs the way we want, because we're good at it, and, I'm sorry, life is just too short to second-guess yourself." Martin added that if the FDA knows so much maybe they should just start manufacturing their own drugs.
Kids Eat The Darnedest Things #~# ABC
Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation Likes To Imagine #~# NEW YORK—Osama bin Laden, 54-year-old leader of the international terrorist group al-Qaeda and mastermind of the 9/11 attacks that took nearly 3,000 American lives in 2001, was killed early Monday morning in Pakistan while sitting on the toilet, the U.S. populace took great pleasure in imagining today. “Just thinking about the stupid look on that evil bastard’s face when those Navy SEALs kicked in the bathroom door and started blasting away—it’s so totally priceless,” said Queens, NY resident Rachel Sumner, one of 311 million Americans who reveled in a fictional scenario in which bin Laden met his gruesome and humiliating end while sitting on the commode, humming to himself, and reading a newspaper. “And him frantically trying to pull up his boxer shorts seconds before some badass Special Forces guy blows his head off—ha, ha! What a fucking moron.” Some Americans have disputed this fabricated version of bin Laden’s death, explaining they prefer to imagine the terrorist leader being surprised by Navy SEALs while wearing bright red lipstick, trying on ladies’ clothing, sashaying in front of a full-length mirror, and saying, “Who’s the prettiest little girl? Osama's the prettiest little girl!”
Fans Disappointed To Learn 'Fast Five' Contains No Car-Chase Scenes #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Devoted fans of the Fast And Furious movies expressed disappointment upon leaving theaters this weekend, reporting that Fast Five, the latest installment in the franchise, does not include a single car-chase scene. "You see a bunch of cool-looking cars revving their engines at red lights, but just before they hit the gas, the action cuts away to a coffee shop, where the main characters discuss what a great car chase they just had," said moviegoer Ben Liddell, explaining that while the film's plot remains tightly focused on street racing, all the driving takes place off camera. "The only time you even see a vehicle in motion is at the very end, when Vin Diesel and Paul Walker park their cars and go inside." Broadway director Julie Taymor is reportedly at work on a stage production of Fast Five that will contain more than a dozen extended and elaborately choreographed car-chase sequences.
Chrysler Introduces New Midsized Sedan For In-Home Use #~# Company Says Car's Tires Can Be Upgraded For Shag Carpeting
Mariano Rivera Yelled At For Blowing Save #~# NEW YORK—Following Mariano Rivera's second consecutive blown save Sunday, coaches and executives led the11-time All Star and World Series MVP into an office, slammed the door shut, and reamed him out for several minutes, team sources reported. "I heard coach [Joe Girardi] scream, 'You have one responsibility out there, and you screwed it up, goddammit!'" said outfielder Curtis Granderson, adding that he also heard several voices shout "Take your head out of your ass," "You're the worst closer in the world!" and "I am so mad at you right now!" "Mariano had tears running down his cheeks when he walked back into the locker room, but that didn't stop Derek [Jeter] or Robinson [Cano] from telling him to stop acting like a fucking baby." Though Rivera later apologized for his actions, Yankees pitching coach Larry Rothschild told him to sit down, shut up, and think about what he did.
PlayStation 3 Data Breach May Be Biggest Ever #~# Sony admitted last week that hackers had compromised its network and may have obtained the names, addresses, usernames, passwords, or credit card information of 77 million PlayStation users. What do you think?
Boise Homemaker Bows Toward Mecca Just To See What It's Like #~# BOISE, ID—After reading an article about Muslim rituals, curious homemaker Frances Parker decided to give bowing toward Mecca a shot Tuesday.  "I guess I just wanted to see what it'd feel like," Parker said of the few minutes she set aside to lay a colorful blanket on the ground, draw the curtains, and look up which direction Mecca was from her house in Boise. "It was kind of neat." While she admitted performing the ritual five times a day seemed "a bit much," the mother of two told reporters she might try to work in another bow tomorrow and see how that goes.
Miami Heat vs. Boston Celtics #~# Boston and Miami are going head-to-head in what may be the most compelling matchup of the NBA playoffs this year. Here's what each team must do to advance:
30 Years Of Man's Life Disappear In Mysterious 'Kansas Rectangle' #~# CHICAGO—The so-called "Kansas rectangle," a desolate and featureless region covering 82,277 square miles in America's mysterious Great Plains, has been a source of speculation among paranormal investigators for decades. Though the questions surrounding its existence have never been answered, one thing is certain: The life of former Chicagoan Kevin Corcoran suddenly vanished into the eerie region 30 years ago this week, never to return.
Buying Someone A Drink #~# When you see someone you're interested in during a night out, it's common to buy them a drink. Here are some etiquette guidelines to consider before you make your move:
Official Poster For 'Terminal Gust' #~# The new anti-wind power documentary Terminal Gust describes a small town being poisoned with wind. Back to video.
Glee #~# FOX
Sources: C'mon, Just Give Us The Goddamn Pulitzer Already #~# NEW YORK—Sources confirmed Friday that it’s time to cut the shit and hand over the goddamn Pulitzer Prize already. According to visibly frustrated officials with extensive knowledge of the situation, we’ve been beating around the bush long enough and we’re done playing around, so let’s go, hand over the fucking thing. Now. You know what, sources added, fine, don’t give us the fucking award, keep it, we don’t care, we never wanted your stupid piece-of-shit prize anyway. Christ, sources concluded, this has all been very humiliating. Fuck.
Tireless, Hardworking Reporter Has Already Won Greatest Prize Of All #~# 'The Love And Respect Of My Family And Community,' Esteemed Journalist Says
'Onion' Snubbed By Pulitzers #~# This year, the Pulitzer Board has once again neglected to bestow an award upon The Onion. What do you think?
Media Watchdog Spokesman Sought On Embezzlement Charges #~# OMAHA, NE—According to FBI sources, the nonprofit media watchdog group Americans for Fairness in Awarding Journalism Prizes, or AFAJP, was ordered to cease operations Friday after its spokesman and president, Stephen Forbeck, was indicted on 24 counts of embezzlement, fraud, and money-laundering. “Over the past 20 years, Mr. Forbeck—aka Thomas Porter, aka Richard Vernon, aka Israel Greenburg, and the list goes on—has gone from media organization to media organization, tricking them all into thinking he could get them the awards they deserve, all while illegally appropriating tens of million dollars in supporter donations for his own personal use,” lead investigator Paul Coughlin told reporters from outside AFAJP’s main office, which, aside from a dozen phones and random sheets of paper strewn across the floor, was completely deserted prior to the FBI raid. “Mr. Forbeck remains at-large at this time. And we’d like to inform all media organizations, especially desperate ones, that as impressive as Mr. Forbeck’s credentials sound, there is no such thing as a J.D. in Journalism Award Giving and Award Law.” At press time, security cameras at Los Angeles International Airport captured an image of a figure resembling Forbeck boarding a flight to Barbados.
If The Onion Is Not Awarded A Pulitzer Prize Within The Next Year, I Will Murder 50 People #~# Yes, readers, you have read the above headline correctly. This is no hoax. For too long, The Onion has been cruelly deprived of the Pulitzer Prize it so richly deserves, and now the thought of such an injustice being committed yet again fills me with a deep and insatiable thirst for violence. Which is why if The Onion is not awarded a Pulitzer Prize within the next calendar year, so help me God, I WILL SAVAGELY MURDER 50 INNOCENT SOULS, and the Pulitzer Board’s hands shall be soaked in blood instead of jammed down Arthur Sulzberger, Jr.’s underpants the way they usually are.
Mother Of Slaying Victim Glad It Was Onion Reporter Who Knocked On Her Door Half An Hour After Funeral #~# BALTIMORE—In mourning following the early morning slaying of her 16-year-old daughter by an unknown assailant in Broening Park, Grace Palmer expressed joy and gratitude Tuesday that a reporter from The Onion, and not some other newspaper, had come to her door 30 minutes after the funeral. “Thank God it’s you!” the sobbing mother exclaimed as she threw open the door and ushered reporters inside. “Those other journalists from The Washington Post and The Baltimore Sun are nothing but a pack of vultures. You’re the only ones who can give my daughter a voice now that she’s gone!” After sharing everything she had withheld from other media outlets—including descriptions of her own confusion, grief, and desire for compassionate justice—Palmer started to give in to the overwhelming sexual aura of journalistic excellence emanating from The Onion reporter, which he understood, but gracefully declined to have any part of due to his unwavering commitment to professionalism.
Seymour Hersh #~# "I don't feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when I look at my Pulitzer. Instead, I feel angry." - Seymour Hersh 
Pack of Vultures #~# "Those other journalists from The Washington Post and The Baltimore Sun are nothing but a pack of vultures."
Onion Ignored By Pulitzer Committee #~# Despite its high-caliber journalism, The Onion has once again been snubbed by the body that awards the Pulitzer Prizes. Here’s what’s wrong with the Pulitzer Board:
Top This #~# An unforgettable piece of photo-journalism from The Onion that competing media organizations will certainly be unable to surpass this year.
Millions Have Never Read The Onion #~# According to market research, there are millions of Americans who have never picked up a single issue of The Onion. What do you think?
Investigation Exposes eBay User For Selling Fake Pulitzer Medals #~# Shoddy Imitation Prizes A Total Rip-Off
Reporter Spends Month Undercover In Mass Grave #~# SAN FERNANDO, MEXICO—In an effort to better connect with the men and women murdered by the Zetas drug cartel, Josh Sullivan, an investigative reporter for The Onion, eschewed modern conveniences and the comforts of home for a month, going undercover and posing as a corpse in a mass grave to gain an intimate understanding of the victims’ plight.
Son Of Edward R. Murrow Says Father 'Real Dirtbag' Compared To Onion Reporters #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In an exclusive interview Tuesday, Internet executive Paul Murrow admitted that his revered journalist father, Edward R. Murrow, was a real dirtbag and a huge piece of garbage compared to the brave and tireless reporters at The Onion. “There's no comparison,” said the 58-year-old Murrow, his voice quivering as he expressed praise for the hard work and unflappable commitment to reportage exhibited by the entire Onion staff. “He was a good man, a great father, and a fantastic journalist, but compared to what The Onion does every day, he was a leaky pail of shit. I can't believe I looked up to him. Why couldn’t someone from The Onion have been my father?" Murrow added that he'd like nothing more than to rename his father's namesake journalism award to “The Onion Prize,” but said there could never possibly be an applicant worth bestowing The Onion name upon.
Too Much Integrity? #~# Some people say The Onion may have too much integrity for the Pulitzer Board to award it a prize. What do you think?
Almost No One Noticing Officials Doing Corrupt Thing #~# Almost No One
Investigation Finds Man Wrongfully Imprisoned For 3 Of 76 Murders #~# POTOSI, MO—Almost two decades after Michael Hollings was put on death row for the murders of 76 men, women, and children across Missouri, evidence uncovered by an exclusive Onion investigation has exonerated him of three of the brutal slayings, restoring his dignity when he thought all had been lost.
Angela Merkel Opens Up To The Only Newspaper She Trusts #~# ‘The Work You Do Is So Important’
Onion Continues To Touch Millions #~# The Onion has touched countless lives over its 250 years of publication. What story has affected you the most?
News Report On Wartime Atrocity Even More Powerful For Its Brevity #~# KHAWHEABAD, AFGHANISTAN—A 300-word article describing a nighttime attack on civilians that was carried out using white phosphorous charges and bayonets was given additional impact and emotional resonance by virtue of its brevity, sources close to the story's reporters confirmed Monday. Use of plain facts, such as the number of civilians killed in the incident, the simple mention of the extremely high temperature at which white phosphorous burns and of its tendency to adhere to human flesh, and the stark observation that most of the survivors were orphaned children under 14 years of age, lent the piece an almost unendurable weight. Furthermore, sources confirmed that the article's brief description of an elderly woman cradling an infant was made more powerful by its terseness, allowing readers to fill in the missing details with their own vivid imaginations. At press time, it was not known whether a similarly emotionally desolate and devastating follow-up feature would eventually run.
Tornado Victims Thank News Organization For Its In-Depth Reporting On Storm's Carnage #~# 'It Was Personal Yet Not At All Exploitive,' Victims Agree
Dressing Up For Going Out #~# It's always hard to decide what to wear when you're going out for the evening. Here are some ways to look your best for a night on the town:
Preparing For Your Night Out #~# When gearing up for a fun night out with friends, there are a lot of factors to consider. Here are some things to keep in mind as you’re getting ready:
Mysterious Black Family Going From NASCAR Race To NASCAR Race #~# SPARTA, KY—Fans attending the Sprint Cup Series’ past four races have witnessed a strange phenomenon: a black family who drives a motor home onto the racetrack’s infield and watches every event of the weekend. “Frankly, they freak me out. They show up with the same radios we use to listen to drivers talk to their crews. They all wear T-shirts with drivers on them. They’re black. I’ve never seen anything like it,” race fan Darrel Swinea told reporters Saturday during the Quaker State 400. “I’d go ask what they’re up to, but, well, uh, you know.” Around lap 56 of the race, the father of the black family turned to the crowd staring at him and asked if anyone wanted some of the beer or venison sausage from his cooler, causing spooked fans to immediately run out of the grandstand and into the parking lot.
Previous Pulitzer Winners: 'Feels So Hollow Knowing There Are Far More Deserving Institutions' #~# WASHINGTON—A consortium of Pulitzer Prize winners announced Monday that its members were wracked with feelings of shame and inadequacy knowing that, given The Onion’s continued lack of recognition by the Pulitzer Board, they clearly had received awards they did not deserve. “This prize is a farce,” said investigative journalist and winner of the 1970 Pulitzer Prize in International Reporting Seymour Hersh, adding that The Onion’s “searing” coverage of the My Lai Massacre far exceeded his own in breadth and insight. “I don’t feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when I look at my Pulitzer. Instead, I feel angry, like my whole career is a sham. I keep my prize in the bottom of a drawer in my garage so I don’t have to be confronted by its lies.” Hersh then offered to do penance by working in The Onion mail room for free.
I Shall Now Exact My Final Revenge Upon That Jack-Ass Joseph Pulitzer #~# I was roused from an unusually restful sleep yesterday for reasons utterly alien to a news-paper publisher: a meeting with the normally biddable and pliant Onion Board of Directors and, more unusual even than that, with the burgeoning horde of miscellaneous and endlessly multiplying functionaries who refer to themselves as my executive editors. For them to request an audience is oddly courageous, considering I care-fully cultivate cowardice in my direct underlings, and I knew it could only mean one thing: On the occasion of this, our 1,000th issue, a fresh generation of Onion employees must think it desirable to seek Pulitzer’s eternally God-damned Prize!
Report: Massive Wildfires, Geopolitical Crises, AIDS, Human Rights Violations, Deadly Shootings, Africa, Trapped Travelers, Ethical And Moral Issues, Child Labor, Drug Wars #~# THE WORLD—Calling it devastating, tragic, complex, heartrending, heartwarming, catastrophic, courageous, and shameful, sources confirmed Sunday that massive wildfires, geopolitical crises, AIDS, human rights violations, deadly shootings, Africa, tourists taken hostage, ethical and moral issues, child labor, and drug wars.
Nation's Dads Treated To Mark Knopfler Meet-And-Greet #~# CHICAGO—In what many were calling "the best Father's Day present ever," the nation's dads were treated to a Mark Knopfler meet-and-greet Thursday, spending several minutes chatting and posing for photos with the former Dire Straits frontman. "Wow, I can't believe I got to meet Mark Knopfler," said Paul Miller, 45, a father of three from Omaha, NE. "I love that song 'Walk Of Life.'" According to the nation's dads, Money For Nothing is their favorite Dire Straits album.
Slippery Slope #~# FOX News
Another Boxing Hall Of Fame Induction Ends With Everyone Punching Each Other #~# CANASTOTA, NY—Though it started as a typical celebration of such boxing icons as Mike Tyson and Julio Cesar Chavez, last Sunday's International Boxing Hall of Fame induction ceremony once again devolved into a 200-person melee of hooks, jabs, and uppercuts, the event concluding in the same fashion it has throughout its 22-year existence. "There’s a lot of testosterone in that room to begin with, but then one person says the wrong thing to somebody else and the whole thing goes off pretty much on cue—people at the podium are punching each other, people in attendance are punching each other, and the whole room is basically one big boxing match," Hall of Fame director Ed Brophy told reporters, adding that before he was decked by Tyson, he got in a couple of pretty good shots on 68-year-old inductee Ignacio Beristain. “Sure, we broke some tables, stained some of the carpet with blood, and that one guy died on the way to the hospital, but it's the Boxing Hall of Fame. That's what happens here." Sylvester Stallone, also a 2011 inductee, was reportedly knocked out with one punch six seconds into the fight.
Partygoer Gets Thoughtful #~# LAFAYETTE, LA—At approximately 11:20 P.M. Friday night, the festive attitude of local partygoer Nathan Daniels, 34, suddenly gave way to a more thoughtful and introspective mood, witnesses reported. "One moment Nate was pouring everyone shots of Wild Turkey, and the next he got real serious and started talking about Shannon," said longtime friend Michael Driscol, who also listened as Daniels discussed his "shitty-ass job," the fact that it was 2011 already, and how one day he thinks he'll be a good father. "I guess he had a lot on his mind, because he was having these really reflective conversations with different people for like an hour." At press time, Daniels insiders confirmed the cheerful-turned-sentimental man had once again shifted moods and begun smashing beer bottles with a two-by-four.
Man With Broken Foot Plunged Into World Of Human Kindness, Caring #~# MINNEAPOLIS—After an accident this past weekend in which he tripped down a flight of stairs and fractured a metatarsal in his left foot, sales analyst Tim Morris was suddenly thrown into a strange and unfamiliar world pervaded by human generosity and kindness.
U.S. General Jealous That Syrian Army Allowed To Attack Citizens #~# WASHINGTON—U.S. Army Gen. James David Thurman admitted Friday that he felt extremely jealous of the Syrian military’s ability to relentlessly attack its own citizens. “When I saw footage of Syrian forces at a protest gunning down their fellow countrymen with total impunity, I thought, man, what I wouldn’t give to roll into Dayton, OH with 10,000 troops and take a few hundred people out,” said Thurman, who later called Syrian Gen. Abdul Fatah Qudsiya “the luckiest guy in the world.” “You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about driving a tank up to a packed movie theater and firing indiscriminately at American men, women, and children without any repercussions. But I can’t do that because we have all these stupid rules.” As of press time, Thurman had formally requested permission for “one little air strike” on Houston.
How Powerhouse Teams Came Up Short #~# The factors in the collapse of the Heat's supposedly unstoppable Big Three will be analyzed for a long time, and as we've seen in the past, juggernauts disappoint for many reasons.
America Just Now Remembering How Much They Hate Dallas #~# WASHINGTON—After feelings of elation over the Miami Heat losing the NBA Finals started to fade this week, Americans across the country suddenly began to remember how much they actually hate the city of Dallas, the Mavericks, and their “total fucking asshole” owner Mark Cuban. “Don’t get me wrong, I loved watching those pricks on the Heat lose, but around Wednesday I was like, ‘Wait a minute—if it were any other Finals matchup, I would have been rooting really hard against the Mavericks because I absolutely hate Dallas and always have,’” Chicago resident Keith Thompson told reporters Thursday. “It’s an awful place with terrible fans and overpaid players, and to be honest, I could actually care less about Dirk Nowitzki finally winning an NBA title. And fuck, Jason Kidd? That guy’s a piece-of-shit wifebeater. Ah, yes, it’s all coming back to me now.” Americans who said they found themselves smiling when Mark Cuban held up the Larry O’Brien Trophy confirmed they now think back on that moment with despair and wonder what kind of terrible human beings they must actually be to have such revolting impulses.
'Duke Nukem Forever' Finally Released #~# After more than 13 years in development, the latest installment in the Duke Nukem series of first-person shooter video games was released Tuesday. What do you think?
Report: Typical City Bus Contains No Fewer Than Four Erections At Any Given Time #~# WASHINGTON—A report from the U.S. Department of Transportation confirmed Thursday that at any one time, the average American city bus is occupied by at least four fully erect penises. "This persistent level of physical arousal remains a mystery, as we have found no link between these erections and either the attractiveness of fellow passengers or the intensity of vehicle vibrations," the report read in part, also noting that when one of the four engorged penises goes flaccid, another immediately hardens, as if to take its place. "Four is just a minimum, of course. During rush-hour traffic, there may be as many as 21 stiffened members on a single bus, while off-peak erection counts often hover around five or even six." The report's statistics do not include bus drivers, who are believed to remain constantly erect throughout their shifts.
Cleveland Pathetically Celebrates Greatest Sports Moment In City’s History #~# CLEVELAND—As the Dallas Mavericks sealed their NBA Finals victory over LeBron James and the Miami Heat Sunday night, the citizens of Cleveland participated in a joyous, exuberant, and extremely pathetic celebration of their city's greatest-ever sports moment.
Trunkful Of Babies #~# ABC
American Students Not Proficient In History #~# The 2010 National Assessment of Educational Progress concluded that less than a quarter of students were proficient in U.S. history. What do you think?
'America's Most Wanted' Canceled #~# After 23 years on the air, America's Most Wanted—the Fox show that dramatizes real crimes in order to assist in the capture of suspects—will no longer air as a weekly program. Here are some of the show's highlights:
Obama's Aunt Sends Him Article Mentioning United States #~# KALONA, IA—According to family sources, Barack Obama's aunt Claudia, 79, mailed a letter to the president Monday that included a short note and a carefully clipped-out article from the Highland Review newspaper mentioning the United States. "Thought you would be interested in this," read the note, which also had "This is kind of neat" written on the top of the article and the words "United States" and "Washington, D.C." highlighted throughout. "I know you probably saw this already, but it would be a shame if you missed it." President Obama told reporters his aunt Claudia is very sweet and he needs to remember to call her soon.
Thousands Turn Out For Empire State Building's Annual No-Hassle Suicide Day #~# NEW YORK—Thousands jumped off the Empire State Building Thursday as part of the famed skyscraper's 12th annual No-Hassle Suicide Day, during which anyone can take the iconic 86-story plunge without having to worry about being stopped, fined, or serving time in prison.
Derek Jeter Just 6 Squib Grounders, Shallow Bloops Away From 3,000 Hits #~# NEW YORK—Yankees captain Derek Jeter hit a seeing-eye wormburner through the left side of the infield for his 2,994th career hit Monday, leaving him just six toppers down the third-base line, Texas Leaguers, or check-swing humpback liners short of 3,000 hits. "These last six chop singles off home plate and difficult-to-field slow rollers to shortstop are going to be hardest for him," said manager Joe Girardi, who wouldn't rule out Jeter grounding a ball off the lip of the infield grass and taking a bad hop off the second baseman's shoulder as a possible route to 3,000. "Derek just needs a couple of swinging bunts and a few official scorers to mistakenly give him a hit on what is clearly an error, and he'll join the immortals that hung around just long enough to reach this tremendous milestone." When asked if he would take grounding the ball off the pitcher's back foot and the pitcher not being able to find it on the field as his 3,000th hit, Jeter answered, "Yes. God, anything."
Detective Trying To Get Into Mind Of Litterer #~# LAKEWOOD, NJ—Tired of being led in circles by a shrewd and elusive local litterer, detective Alex Lavin attempted to penetrate the thought process of his arch-nemesis on Wednesday “to find out what makes him tick,” sources reported. “He knows I’m hot on his trail, yet he loves the excitement of the chase,” Lavin pondered aloud as he surveyed aluminum cans strewn along the median of Route 9. “A plastic bottle, a pack of Camels, a Pringles canister—is he just toying with me?” Later, arriving home to find a still-warm Charleston Chew wrapper on his doorstep, Lavin reportedly peered up and down the block for the shadowy figure he knew wouldn’t be there, chuckled softly to himself, and muttered, “Ooh, this guy’s good.”
Disney Raises Theme Park Admission #~# The Walt Disney Company announced the cost of a one-day pass to Disneyland had risen from $76 to $80, the second price increase in a year. What do you think?
Baserunner Caught In Rundown Bites Cyanide Capsule To Avoid Falling Into Enemy Hands #~# SEATTLE—In order to avoid capture by the visiting Minnesota Twins Thursday, Mariners center fielder Franklin Gutierrez bit down on his team-issued cyanide capsule during a run down between second and third base. "When you're surrounded by defenders on both sides with no escape in sight, team protocol is to self-terminate," said Mariners third base coach Jeff Datz, adding that running outside the baseline is never an option. "Frankie conducted himself bravely. He attempted to advance to the far base, turned back to see if the near base was attainable, assessed the situation, and realized he was out of options. That's when I smelled the bitter almonds and I knew he was gone.” When asked what information Gutierrez possessed that made suicide his only option, Datz chuckled humorlessly and lit a cigarette, saying, "There's a lot you don't know about the Seattle Mariners."
Chasers Of Storm Chasers #~# Discovery
I Had Bedbugs, But They're All Cleared Up Now #~# Hola, amigos. Whuddup? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been knee-deep in the hoopla. First of all, I been working my fingers to the bone at my new job in a cell phone store. I gotta be out on the floor of this tiny-ass shop all day, five days a week. I only got a cell phone myself like last year, but the manager saw that I used to work at an electronics chain and figured I must know something about this kind of shit.
New York Court: Lap Dances Not Tax-Exempt #~# Ruling that lap dances do not qualify for tax-exempt status as a "dramatic or musical art performance," a New York court has ordered a gentleman’s club to pay nearly $125,00 in back taxes. What do you think?
New Study Finds Best Sunscreen Is Layer Of Human Blood #~# WASHINGTON—According to a study released Monday by the Environmental Working Group, the best defense against the harmful effects of the sun's rays is a thick coating of human blood. "We found that a generous application of human blood blocks 98 percent more UVA and UVB rays than standard SPF 30 sunscreen lotions," said researcher Dr. Carl Lapkins, adding that while pig and chicken blood can mildly decrease the risk of skin cancer, human blood ultimately offers the most effective form of protection. "An additional layer of fresh blood should be applied for each hour spent outdoors, especially if you're swimming. Infants, who are more vulnerable to sun exposure, should be completely submerged in a bucket of blood before going outside, and re-dunked frequently." Lapkins added that to avoid missing a spot, one should ask for a friend's help when spreading blood on hard-to-reach areas.
Tim Pawlenty Shaves Off Every Hair On His Body In Really Weird Campaign Gaffe #~# DES MOINES, IA—In what political insiders are calling one of the weirdest campaign gaffes in history, Republican presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty shaved every single hair off his body this weekend while campaigning in Iowa.
How I Met Steve #~# CBS
Gingrich Loses Top Advisers #~# Several of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich's top campaign aides resigned Thursday, putting the future of his presidential bid in doubt. What do you think?
Members Of U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Love Each Other Like Sisters And All That Shit #~# HARRISON, NJ—Following a 1-0 victory over Mexico last Sunday, representatives from the U.S. women’s soccer team said all that touchy-feely garbage they usually say about how much they love each other and how the whole team is like one big family. “These girls are like my sisters,” said midfielder Carli Lloyd, who added a slew of overly sentimental, gag-inducing drivel that included such bullshit as “This is a collection of very strong women,” and “We definitely have our fights, but in the end, there is only love here.” “When it comes to these girls, I’d do anything for them and they’d do anything for me.” In two weeks, the team will travel to Germany for the 2011 World Cup, in which they will more than likely talk about the 1999 women’s soccer team with so much reverence that it’ll literally make you want to puke all over the place.
Young Billionaire's Age Not Reported For Sake Of Nation's Ego #~# NEW YORK—Major media outlets confirmed Friday their agreement to omit young billionaire Terry Gibson's age from all news reports as part of an effort to protect the fragile egos of Americans and prevent national morale from sinking to an all-time low. "With the economy lagging and millions of Americans still out of work, the last thing people need to hear is the age of some young billionaire inventor who's just rolling in it," said ABC News president Ben Sherwood, adding that the enormously wealthy young man was "under 30, and let's just leave it at that." "Just seeing that kid's smiling baby face is going to be depressing enough." Television broadcasts and newspapers are not revealing that the billionaire makes $50 per second, claiming that the information would cause every citizen in the country to blow their fucking head off.
Disgusted Supreme Court Can't Believe It Has To Rule Having Sex With American Flag Protected Under First Amendment #~# WASHINGTON—U.S. Supreme Court justices expressed unqualified disgust Tuesday after ruling that fornication with the American flag is an act of free speech protected by the First Amendment.
Nation Wishes Area Man Were A Creep, But, Ugh, He's Actually Really Fucking Nice #~# WASHINGTON—Americans across the country admitted Monday that although they desperately wanted corporate lawyer Alex Saunders, 28, to be a huge creep, Christ, he's actually a super fucking nice guy. "I wanted to hate him, because he's so confident and has perfect hair and this handsome face you want to punch in, but, shit, he's just really awesome and friendly," said Houston resident Craig Diedrich, echoing the disappointment of 300 million other Americans. "Turns out he's also really great to his girlfriend. And even though she's so fucking gorgeous that she seems unapproachable, she's really nice, too. Goddamn it." The majority of the nation said that after talking to Saunders for five minutes they wanted to buy him a drink, but the successful lawyer had reportedly disappeared, only to return a few minutes later with a whole goddamned round of drinks for everyone.
Report: Someone Needs To Step Up #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Friday by the National Association of Sports Commissions, somebody needs to step up and take control of this game. "It’s now or never,” the report read in part, adding if somebody doesn’t dig deep and find that extra gear, this thing is all but over. “Everybody’s standing around waiting for somebody else to step up and make big plays. There’s just no sense of urgency out there.” The report concluded that it all comes down to who wants it more.
Texas County Bans Some Outdoor Grills #~# In an effort to curtail wildfires in the drought-stricken area, Guadalupe County in Texas has banned outdoor fires, including barbecues without lids. What do you think?
Thing That Got Area Man A Laugh To Be Done Repeatedly For Next 12 Years #~# DANVILLE, IL—After a particular combination of vocalizations and gestures garnered him several laughs Tuesday, local man Terry Lanier announced his plans to repeat the series of actions regularly for the next 12 years. "I believe this one will have a lot of traction," Lanier said of the routine he believes will provide an easy way to break the ice in social situations or insert a little levity into serious discussions. "It may require slight modifications from year to year, and I'll probably have to tweak a few things depending on the audience, but I intend to ride this thing out as long as I can." Lanier added that in order to make room for the new gag in his repertoire, he has opted to retire an 8-year-old bit that is still getting laughs but perhaps not the right kind anymore.
Man Just Going To Grab Guitar And Old Four-Track, Go Out To Cabin In Woods, Make Shittiest Album Anyone's Ever Heard #~# CHICAGO—Following a protracted period of creative stagnation, struggling 27-year-old musician Tom Ruskin announced Friday his plans to retreat to a remote cabin in the Illinois woods with just his acoustic guitar and an old four-track recorder in order to make the biggest piece-of-shit album ever committed to tape.
Revelations In The New ESPN Book #~# Those Guys Have All The Fun, a history of ESPN published last month, gives readers a behind-the-scenes look at the sports network that began on a landfill in Bristol, CT and soon became a broadcasting giant. Here are some of the book’s more shocking disclosures:
Grizzly Bear Sprained Paw While Mauling Hunter, Reports Ranger #~# MCKINLEY PARK, AK—Denali National Park ranger Steve Griggs confirmed that a grizzly bear suffered a mild sprain when it mauled a hunter Wednesday, the 400-pound animal awkwardly twisting its paw while crushing the man's skull. "Looks like he slipped on some flesh he was tearing off and just came down on it wrong," said Griggs, adding that the bear also appeared to have strained its neck as it tossed the man's torso back and forth in its mouth. "It's a slight sprain. Doesn't look broken. The paw is a little tender, but he'll be all right as long as he doesn't put too much weight on it, rests up, and keeps it under a cool stream to reduce swelling." Griggs confirmed that the bear should have no problem catching salmon but may limp for a week or so.
Ohio State Hires Jim Tressel As Head Football Coach #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Ohio State athletic director Gene Smith announced Thursday that the university has hired veteran coach Jim Tressel to helm the football program. "Coach Tressel is our kind of guy; he embodies what Buckeye football is all about," said Smith, adding that Tressel has already proven in past jobs that he can beat Michigan, win conference titles, and even capture a national championship. "We realize he has experienced some misfortunes in the past, but we think this is exactly the kind of atmosphere in which he can get a fresh start and build the kind of program Ohio State fans have come to expect." Smith told reporters that the school's ability to woo a coach with seven Big Ten titles and multiple coach of the year awards proves its legacy remains strong.
Stanley Cup Lauded For Work With Developmentally Disabled Trophies #~# NEW YORK—In recognition of its tremendous leadership and community work, the Stanley Cup was honored Wednesday for its dedication to helping developmentally disabled trophies.
Undercover Bass #~# CBS
California To Release All Prisoners Who Seem Nice Enough #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—In an effort to reduce prison populations throughout the state, California governor Jerry Brown announced today that he would release all inmates who seemed as though they were nice enough people. “The goal of this new initiative is to gather a rough first impression of whether or not a prisoner is a decent-enough-seeming person, and to release him or her back into society based solely on that general gut reaction,” said Brown, adding that prison authorities would spend an estimated 12 minutes with each inmate to chat about “this and that” and decide whether or not a prisoner seemed like the friendly sort. “Obviously, some might try to take a swing at the warden in the beginning, but if they calm down from there and maybe smile a few times, they’re probably fine.” At press time, officials at San Quentin State Prison had determined that inmate Vincente “Lobo” Díaz came across as slightly eccentric, granted, but basically likable.
Atlantic City Is Dying #~# Though it became a destination after voting to legalize gambling in 1976, Atlantic City now faces competition from casinos in Delaware and Pennsylvania, and next year it may drop to third place in gambling revenue. Here's how the ailing city can boost tourism:
GM CEO Suggests Additional $1 Gas Tax #~# General Motors CEO Dan Akerson said in an interview that the auto industry would be helped more by higher gas taxes than by mandatory increased fuel efficiency. What do you think?
Pakistani Intelligence Announces Its Full Cooperation With U.S. Forces During Upcoming Top Secret June 12 Drone Strike On Al-Qaeda At 5:23 A.M. Near Small Town Of Razmani In North Waziristan #~# ISLAMABAD—Pakistan's Inter-Services Intelligence agency restated Thursday its commitment to the fight against terrorism, pledging full cooperation with U.S. forces during the upcoming strike on an al-Qaeda safe house on June 12 at 5:23 a.m. near the small town of Razmani in the remote tribal region of North Waziristan.
School Application Blasted For Inappropriate Question #~# An application for the Dry Creek School District in California has come under fire for asking if the child to be enrolled was delivered vaginally or via cesarean section. What do you think?
Senile Senator Allowed To Believe He Solved Immigration Crisis #~# WASHINGTON—According to colleagues, 87-year-old senile Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) has been allowed to believe he permanently solved the nation’s immigration crisis in 2007. “What’s the harm?” Sen. Mark Udall (D-CO) told reporters Tuesday. “He comes up and says, ‘It takes a lot to strike a bipartisan compromise on an issue as contentious as immigration, but I did it,’ and I just say, ‘You sure did, big guy!’ It makes him feel good.” Critics have argued that this is just another example of partisan favoritism, and that former Sen. Mark Hatfield (R-OR) should be allowed to think he is still a voting member of the Senate, or at least have access to the cafeteria.
NHL: Toothless Players Gumming On Each Other's Fingers Is Harmless #~# NEW YORK—In response to critics calling on the NHL to suspend Canucks forward Alex Burrows for biting an opponent’s finger during the Stanley Cup Finals, league officials released a statement Tuesday saying that toothless hockey players gumming on one another is harmless and to be expected. “[Burrows] is going through a phase where his mouth is really hurting him, so it’s completely understandable that he would gum down on a competitor’s finger to get some relief,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, adding that most hockey players begin gumming on fellow competitors’ hands four to six months into the season. “Most of the time they’re not even angry when they do it. They’re just looking to explore. It’s actually kind of cute.” Bettman went on to say that the NHL “cares deeply” about athlete safety, and always makes sure not to leave any small objects around the ice that players could put into their mouths and choke on.
Cole Hamels Disgusted By Opposing Pitchers Leaving Trash On Mound #~# PHILADELPHIA-—During a post-game press conference Tuesday, Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels expressed disgust with opposing pitchers who assume he has no problem picking up their used tissues, candy wrappers, and empty cans between innings. "I'm not a maid," said Hamels, adding that he always makes sure to sweep up, rake the dirt, and disinfect the rubber with Lysol before returning to the dugout. "I'm not asking for much—just that they be decent human beings and not turn the mound we share into their personal garbage dump." Hamels claimed he issued a formal proposal to the MLB suggesting fines for litterbugs who ignore the multiple trash receptacles placed right next to the pitcher's mound.
Handmade Anti-Obama Sign Currently Frontrunner For Republican Presidential Nomination #~# WASHINGTON—According to a Quinnipiac University poll conducted this week, a homemade anti-Obama sign has surged to the front of the 2012 Republican presidential field, emerging as the clear favorite to earn the party's nomination in next year's primaries.
American Sleazebags #~# History
Dale Earnhardt Jr. Sick Of Everyone Assuming He's A Good Driver #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—After blowing the lead in the the Coca-Cola 600 by running out of fuel on the final lap to finish seventh, Dale Earnhardt Jr. expressed his frustration with his fans and the NASCAR establishment alike, bemoaning their inability to realize that he is not very good at racing cars. "I haven't won in over a hundred races, for God's sake, and it's not because I wasn't trying," said Earnhardt, who noted that his last win was in the LifeLock 400 on June 15, 2008, and which he claims he "didn't even deserve." "I get to be on good teams, for some reason, and I've had some big breaks, but I really shouldn't be as popular as I am. I think it might be my name." Earnhardt then repeated, for what he said was the "millionth time in [his] career," that he was not in fact his father, Dale Earnhardt, Sr., the phenomenally talented stock-car racer who died in February 2001.
I Just Want To Say That I Hated Every Moment Of That Piece-Of-Shit Show #~# Wow, I guess that’s it. It’s hard to believe that after pouring my heart and soul into that show for 25 years, I’ll never tape another episode, sit down with another guest, or connect with another fan again. And thank fucking God for that, because I hated every moment of that piece-of-shit show.
Scientists Trap Antimatter For Record Time #~# Scientists at CERN trapped atoms of antihydrogen for more than 16 minutes, enabling them to study the elusive material more closely than ever. What do you think?
Poll: 81% Of Office Workers Would Rather Stay Late Than Ride Elevator With Richard #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—More than four out of five employees at LaPorte Technical Infrastructures prefer working after hours to braving an elevator ride with Richard, an internal company survey revealed Tuesday. "An overwhelming majority would opt to stay an extra half hour—even at the end of a long Friday—than share the same personal space with Richard for the 20 seconds it takes to get down to the lobby," HR manager Andrea Tibbets said. "When in the elevator with Richard, 45 percent of those polled said they avoid him by patting their pockets as if realizing they'd forgotten their keys, 29 percent pretend something is wrong with their phone, and 2 percent think maybe Richard's actually not that bad." Company officials said they were planning to promote Richard in recognition of his role in helping to increase office-wide productivity by some 13 percent.
Fix Your Wagon Good #~# HGTV
Catherine Zeta-Jones Happy To See People On Internet Would Still Hit That #~# NEW YORK—Forty-one-year-old actress Catherine Zeta-Jones told reporters Sunday she was "quite pleased" to know a majority of Internet commenters would totally still hit that. "At this point in my career, it's encouraging to see that Devin808 would still tap my ass if he had the chance, and I was flattered when HandyMan14 said that, even though I'm not as hot now as I was in High Fidelity, he definitely wouldn't mind tearing me apart until I could barely walk," a smiling Zeta-Jones said. "CowboysFan93 was really specific about how he'd like to choke me with his cock, which, as an actress now in her 40s, really brightened my day." At press time, Zeta-Jones' husband Michael Douglas was reportedly searching for any type of Internet comment speculating on the size of his penis.
Food Pyramid Scrapped #~# The U.S. Agriculture Department has thrown out the Food Pyramid, in use since 1992, in favor of "MyPlate," a new plate-based dietary visualization tool. What do you think?
NHL Fines Ozzie Guillen Just To See If He'll Pay #~# CHICAGO—Following the latest outburst from the much-sanctioned White Sox manager, officials from the National Hockey League fined Ozzie Guillen $25,000 Monday in order to see if he would pay. "We saw that he had taken a few jabs at his critics before the Blue Jays game and we decided, well, what the heck?" said NHL chief disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan, adding that the league knew it was a long shot but decided it couldn’t hurt to try. "We need the money, and if he doesn't pay, we lose nothing. Plus, come on, he totally deserves it." When reached for comment, Guillen said he would pay the fine, as he cannot afford to be suspended by the NHL during the Stanley Cup finals.
Yellowstone National Park Concerned About Competing 'Yello-Stone Natural Park' Built Right Across Street #~# GARDINER, MT—With the summer tourist season now in full gear, officials at Yellowstone National Park expressed a growing sense of concern and agitation Monday about a competing 3,500-square-mile nature reserve that recently opened directly across the street from their own park.
Stanley Cup Finals vs. NBA Finals #~# Sports fans are in clover with the NBA and NHL championship series both currently in progress, providing an opportune moment to settle an age-old question: Which one is better?
Editors Of '401 Best Soups' Cookbook Still Fighting #~# BURLINGTON, VT—Six years after the book's release, the editors of 401 Best Soups have reportedly been unable to set aside their disagreements over which recipes were included in the volume. "[Chef Andrew] Darcy thinks his very workable beef stock recipe got passed over for a flashier, trendier tripe and fish stock, while [Chef Harold] Brister won't shut up about the inclusion of two supposedly inferior gazpachos," literary agent Joe Palmento told reporters, adding that the soup chefs can't even be in the same room without fighting over the best way to prepare a roux. "Meanwhile, [Chef] Anna [Smolinski] feels like her creamy leek got buried in the back pages. Which is just fine by [Chef Tom] Manard, of course." To date, the book has sold 450,000 copies, won a James Beard award, and been hailed by gourmands the world over as the definitive guide to soup preparation.
Nation's Women Throwing Themselves At New No. 1 Ranked Golfer Luke Donald #~# DUBLIN, OH—Luke Donald, the newly-minted world's No. 1 golfer, found himself on the receiving end of non-stop phone calls, aggressive come-ons, and outright groping from hordes of sexually deranged women less than an hour after the world golf rankings were announced Monday. "Everyone knows that the world's top-ranked golfer is one of the most sought-after men on the planet, but I had no idea it would be like this…I've hardly been able to sleep," Donald said at a press conference Thursday which was periodically interrupted by throngs of flushed, panting women breaking through PGA security cordons and once by a female reporter screaming "Take me now!" and removing all her clothing. "I'd heard rumors of what those Bunker Betties will do you you, but… Wow. Just wow. You wouldn't even believe me if I told you." Meanwhile, former No. 1 Lee Westwood declined to comment on the matter and was last seen dejectedly phoning his wife to desperately beg her to let him come home again.
Point Of Story Apparently That Man Ate At Restaurant #~# ELYSBURG, PA—Friends of 33-year-old Dan Leski were subjected Tuesday to a detailed account of his recent visit to a restaurant, the sole point of which was apparently to communicate the fact that Leski had eaten food and then paid for it. "I thought he was going somewhere with it when he mentioned how the waitress had a foreign accent, but nope, that was just a prelude to the part where he ordered his meal," friend Eric Farber said of the story that began with Leski feeling hungry and ended when the bill—$13.95 plus tax and tip—had been settled. "Evidently Dan had lunch at a restaurant the other day. That's about all we learned." Farber told reporters he would probably check the restaurant out himself sometime in the near future.
Fire Consumes Big Happy Farm Where Families Send Sick Dogs To Run Free And Play #~# RAVENA, NY—Authorities confirmed a four-alarm blaze tore through the countryside Sunday, burning down a picturesque farm where thousands of sick and elderly dogs had been sent by parents who wanted their children's beloved pets to have lots of room to run around and play.
Undercover Boss #~# PBS
A History Of Ohio State's Rules Violations #~# Buckeyes head football coach Jim Tressel resigned last week following a cash-for-memorabilia scandal, but it's not the first time Ohio State has run afoul of the NCAA.
NCAA Lacrosse National Championship Goes Off Without A Hitch #~# BALTIMORE—The NCAA men's Division I collegiate lacrosse championship was successfully contested as expected Monday, crowning the season's winning team as easy as you please. "Both schools got there on time with all their lacrosse equipment, the field was fine, and there were the required number of refs. So we played the game," University of Virginia captain Bray Malphrus said the night after completing the match. "When it was over, the winning team was handed a trophy, pictures were taken, we changed out of our uniforms, and everybody went back to their hotels." Though the NCAA head office and officials directly involved said they were content the game had gone off without a hitch, all admitted it really would not have been a big deal if there had been some problems.
Weiner Can't Say Photo Isn’t Of Him #~# While denying he sent the image to a female follower of his Twitter account, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) said he could not state with absolute certitude that he was not the man pictured in a photo showing an engorged penis covered by gray boxer-briefs. What do you think?
Gruesome Home Plate Collision Reawakens Nation’s Love Affair With Baseball #~# SAN FRANCISCO—The people of the United States confirmed this week that seeing a horrific home plate collision fracture the left ankle and shred the ligaments of Giants catcher Buster Posey on May 25 provided exactly the spark they needed to renew their love affair with baseball.
Educated Bigot That Much More Terrifying #~# FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After arguing with a well-read, articulate racist Wednesday, area man Daniel Truett described the experience as "bone-chilling," telling reporters it was far scarier than any encounter with an ignorant bigot ever could have been. "I've met some intolerant assholes in my time, but never one who could quote passages from Booker T. Washington's Up From Slavery to make his point," said Truett, who raised objections to the man's racial prejudices, but found his opponent was able to anticipate each of his arguments and counter them point by point. "And the most terrifying part of all is that he's obviously intelligent enough to know he's a hateful, bigoted person, which means he must actually be okay with that fact." Later that evening, Truett felt even more conflicted after hearing the very same bigot perform an exquisite and nuanced rendition of the Dvorak cello concerto.
Planet Earth #~# DISCOVERY
Would-Be Assassin Ruled Unfit For Trial #~# A federal judge has ruled that Jared Loughner, accused of killing six people in an attempt to assassinate Rep. Gabrielle Giffords in January, is not competent to stand trial. Here are some of the factors that played a role in Loughner's medical evaluation:
Dancers Arrested At Jefferson Memorial #~# U.S. Park Police arrested five people for "expressive dancing" in the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C. What do you think?
Guy Who Got Laid Off Just Glad Multi-National Corporation Will Make It #~# DANBURY, CT—After learning that he had been laid off Friday by global conglomerate Honeywell International, senior sales associate Edward Morway expressed relief that his employer of 14 years would be able to scrape by. "When [department head] John [Condos] called me into his office and explained the tough business climate, my heart just sank for the company," said Morway, adding that he "immediately understood" how cutting his $79,000 annual salary would help keep the multibillion-dollar corporation afloat during a feeble economic recovery. "Sure, I'm worried about providing for my wife and kids and making my house payments, but Honeywell executives have 128,000 employees and stockholders in locations all over the world to think about, so it would be unfair to even compare my troubles to theirs." Morway also said that the decision of the Fortune 500 corporation to fire him right before he received matching retirement funds was a "really smart move," given the lean times Honeywell was currently facing.
Report: Life Put In Hands Of 2,000 Complete Strangers Every Single Day #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new report from the National Institute for Safety Management, on any given day, the average American's life is entrusted to more than 2,000 different people who are complete strangers.
Prince William Divorces Kate Middleton After 5 Weeks #~# 'I Made A Terrible Mistake' Says Heir To British Throne
New Jersey To Pull Out Of Greenhouse Gas Agreement #~# Republican governor Chris Christie announced he was removing New Jersey from a ten-state regional cap-and-trade program aimed at reducing carbon emissions. What do you think?
Joba Chamberlain Holds Stuffed-Animals-Only Meeting #~# NEW YORK—Yankees reliever Joba Chamberlain reportedly led a stuffed-animals-only meeting on the floor of the team’s clubhouse Thursday, addressing confidants Wugsy the Bear, Cuddly Monkey, Fluff Fluff the Kitty, and Tiny Horsey. “Nobody else gets to come because they’re too mean and won’t let me be a starting pitcher, and they don’t get a special treat,” said Chamberlain, pretending to eat “strawberry pie sandwiches,” which he also fed to each of the stuffed animals. “You guys all want me in the starting rotation, right? Yes, Tiny Horsey, I am the best thrower on the Yankees. Thank you for saying that. We don’t need those other jerks. We can start our own Yankees right here.” According to sources, the 45-minute stuffed-animals-only meeting adjourned when Yankees manager Joe Girardi announced that it was time for Chamberlain’s bath.
History Channel Treating Invention Of Popcorn Like It's Fucking Penicillin #~# NEW YORK—An in-depth, hour-long History Channel special about the cultivation and manufacture of popcorn reverentially details the origin of the snack food as though it were as fucking miraculous as the discovery of penicillin, sources reported Friday. "It was then that an engineer from Indiana named Frederick Mennen—a quiet, thoughtful man who would later found the Jiffy Pop corporation—conceived the intricately interleaved foil enclosure that would become synonymous with popcorn for most of the 20th century," a voiceover declared in sober tones befitting a description of how Sir Alexander Fleming saved millions, literally millions, of fucking lives by developing the world's first antibiotic. "The addition of salt and butter added the final flavorsome coda to Mennen's masterpiece." The program was reportedly followed by a rerun of Ancient Aliens, a show that treats extraterrestrial influence on primitive cultures as if it were something that actually happened.
Planet Earth Doesn't Know How To Make It Any Clearer It Wants Everyone To Leave #~# EARTH—According to a statement released to the press Tuesday, the planet Earth has "just about run out of ways" to let its roughly 6.9 billion human inhabitants know it wants them all to leave.
The Stride #~# NBC
Area Man Got So Wasted And Abusive Last Night #~# PORTLAND, ME—Following an extended bout of binge drinking, area alcoholic Doug Pennock spent Monday morning sharing “hilarious” anecdotes about how drunk and physically aggressive he had gotten the night before. “Oh, man, I can’t believe I was so loaded and verbally abusive to everyone around me last night,” said a laughing Pennock, adding that he “barely remembered” drunkenly calling his ex-girlfriend six times and threatening to kill the new guy she was seeing. “It was awesome.” Pennock told reporters he could “not fucking wait” for this weekend, when he and his best buddy Steve plan to get totally shit-canned and have a nonsensical screaming match that devolves into an awkward fistfight from which their friendship will never recover.
No Way! #~# Bravo
Out-Of-Control Conversation Safely Turned Back Onto Self #~# HARRISBURG, PA—A runaway conversation was successfully returned to its proper subject Saturday when 36-year-old Clark Hanneford regained control of a post-work chat session that had errantly strayed from the topic of him. “It was pretty scary for a second there,” the shaken-but-safe Hanneford said following the ordeal. “The talk was comfortably centered around me and my guitar playing, when out of nowhere Gary starts talking about his family. Luckily I was able to keep my wits about me and steer the focus back to myself and what it was like growing up in a small town in Pennsylvania.” Though rattled by the experience, Hanneford said he feels better equipped to react if he is ever momentarily not the sole focus of attention again.
Tim Wakefield Tries To Get Line Drive To Put Him Out Of Misery #~# CHICAGO—Facing the cruel prospect of winning 200 grueling games in his interminable 19-season career, 44-year-old Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield tried to get a line drive to hit him in the head Friday to finally put an end to it all. “I didn’t throw [White Sox hitters] any knuckleballs because I wanted to make sure the ball had enough speed coming off the bat to shatter my skull,” said Wakefield, who lunged face-first at everything batted toward him. “I didn’t give them anything they could pull, either, because it’s gotta come right at me and, with any luck, nail me square in the temple so I die instantly. Then again, at this point, I would also take a deep coma.” Wakefield said he was looking forward to Wednesday’s start against the Cleveland Indians, calling it “another great opportunity to die.”
Area Woman Excited To Finally Experience Unbearable Loneliness Of Having Her Own Place #~# SOMERVILLE, MA—After living with roommates for the better part of a decade, local woman Anne Lazar announced Tuesday she was excited to finally experience the overwhelming loneliness of having her own apartment.
2011 MLB Season Dominated By Pitchers, Hitters, Fielders #~# NEW YORK—Baseball experts agreed Thursday that the 2011 MLB season has become a year defined by pitching, hitting, and defense. “When people look back on this season, what is really going to stand out is the pure offensive and defensive domination displayed by a talented group of batters, pitchers, and fielders who are playing at a professional level,” said MLB Network analyst Peter Gammons, adding that baserunning, team chemistry, and baseball players have also been highlights of 2011. “This season proves that if your club can simply outpitch, outhit, and out-field the other team, you’re going to have a much better shot at competing.” Experts said they expect this trend to continue for the foreseeable future, noting it does not seem likely a season dominated by base coaches is coming anytime soon.
Critics: NBC's 'Playboy Club' Glamorizes Pornography #~# Watchdog group the Parents Television Council has accused NBC of glorifying pornography with its new program The Playboy Club, which debuts in September. What do you think?
Breaking Down The New NFL Labor Agreement #~# The lockout has ended, and NFL players are finally in training camp under a new deal with the league. We look at exactly what the players and owners agreed to.
All Flights Grounded After FAA Officials Suddenly Realize That Man Was Not Meant To Fly #~# WASHINGTON—Shortly after 3 p.m. today, the Federal Aviation Administration ordered the immediate grounding of all commercial and private aircraft, a result of top officials' collective realization that humankind was never meant to fly. "It is wrong—nay, foolish—for lowly man to aspire to the realm of birds and dare to soar across the firmament in unholy flight," said FAA administrator Randy Babbitt, announcing the indefinite cancellation of all 87,000 daily flights through U.S. airspace. "Alas, man's destiny lies not amongst the clouds. So let us be guided by hubristic folly no longer and embrace our terrestrial provenance." Addressing concerns from thousands of disaffected passengers, Babbitt also stated that man was not meant to be reunited with any luggage that had been bumped onto a later flight.
Nation Wants Some Fucking Football, Doesn’t Give Shit About Details Of Collective Bargaining Agreement #~# WASHINGTON—Following the announcement Monday that NFL owners and players had reached a deal to end their 132-day labor dispute, Americans across the nation expressed their desire for some goddamn football already and acknowledged they didn’t give two shits about the boring-ass details of the collective bargaining agreement.
What's In The Box? #~# CBS
Al Qaeda infrastructure #~# "We want to turn your bridges into rubble, but if we claimed credit for making them collapse, nobody would ever believe us," - Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda Leader
Cruel Summer #~# According to scientists, flooding and wet weather have led to unusually high mosquito populations this summer, and the accompanying heat wave has resulted in numerous deaths. Here are some of the other difficulties people are facing this summer:
Congressman Resigns Over “Unwanted” Sexual Incident #~# Amid accusations he sexually assaulted an 18-year-old, Rep. David Wu (D-OR) announced he would resign as soon as debt-ceiling negotiations were complete. What do you think?
New Documentary Focuses On Life Of Eva Braun's Late Husband #~# NEW YORK—The History Channel announced Thursday it will air a new documentary this fall examining the life of the late husband of prewar German model and amateur photographer Eva Braun. "This film is a fascinating, in-depth look at a central figure in Eva Braun's life," said History Channel spokesman Charles Lansing, adding that the broadcast will feature more than 300 archival images of Braun with her husband, a German civil servant and vegetarian noted for his charisma and interest in art. "Braun's longtime lover had a significant impact on her views regarding politics and aesthetics, and the footage of him we've unearthed highlights the persuasive power of the man she often wrote about." Lansing added that the new documentary, entitled The Man Behind Eva Braun, will cover the very active life of Braun's spouse right up to his sudden passing in 1945 in the basement of the couple's Berlin apartment.
Al-Qaeda Claims U.S. Mass Transportation Infrastructure Must Drastically Improve Before Any Terrorist Attacks #~# WASHINGTON—In a 30-minute video released Thursday, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri criticized the mass transportation infrastructure of the United States, claiming significant repairs and upgrades would need to be implemented before the militant group would consider destroying any roads, bridges, or railways with terrorist attacks.
Bachmann Says Unexplained Blackouts From Which She Wakes Up Covered In Blood Won't Affect Ability To Lead #~# WOODBURY, MN—Republican presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann fired back Wednesday at critics who have said the Minnesota congresswoman's ability to lead the nation would be greatly hindered by her frequent, hours-long blackouts from which she invariably awakens covered in blood. "This is a complete nonissue—who among us hasn't gotten the occasional blinding headache only to wake up totally nude two days later in an abandoned church, covered from head to toe in someone else's blood and with absolutely no recollection of what happened in the intervening time?" said Bachmann, later adding that she is otherwise healthy and, in fact, is fairly certain she gets a significant amount of aerobic exercise during her prolonged fugue states. "I think I can handle the job of running the country just fine even if now and again I have one of my little spells where I come to in the middle of the South Carolina woods tightly gripping a bloody lead pipe in one hand and a ragged piece of what I think was a scalp in the other." Many political analysts have expressed doubt regarding Bachmann's presidential chances, citing the 1988 loss of Michael Dukakis to George H.W. Bush after it was discovered the Massachusetts governor had cooked and eaten a border collie while sleepwalking.
Emergency Team Of 8th-Grade Civics Teachers Dispatched To Washington #~# WASHINGTON—With lawmakers still at an impasse over increasing the debt ceiling, a special team of 40 eighth-grade civics teachers was air-dropped into Washington earlier today in a last-ditch effort to teach congressional leaders how the government’s legislative process works. “We started them off with the basics, like the difference between a senator and a representative, and then moved on to more complex concepts, like what a resolution is,” Bozeman, MT social studies teacher Heidi Rossmiller told reporters as all 535 members of Congress copied down the definition of “checks and balances” from a whiteboard in the House chamber. “It’s been a bit of an uphill battle, since most of them seemed to have no real sense of how or why a bill is passed, and Sen. [Harry] Reid [D-NV] had to come up to me during a break and ask, ‘Ms. Rossmiller, what happens if Congress can’t reach a compromise?’ But hopefully it will all start to sink in soon.” At press time, an unruly House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) had noisily stormed out of a lecture on bipartisan cooperation, claiming it was “too hard.”
Big Drugs About To Go Generic #~# The patents of six of the 10 bestselling prescription drugs will expire over the next two years, making room for cheaper generic equivalents. What do you think?
Twins Shocked To Learn You Can Score 2 Runs In Same Play #~# MINNEAPOLIS—The fourth-place Minnesota Twins finally came to realize baseball teams can score more than one run in a single play when, in the fifth inning of their 4-6 loss to the Cleveland Indians last Monday, they witnessed their opponents do just that. “It doesn’t seem like it should be allowed,” said Twins manager Ron Gardenhire, who ran out of the dugout to protest when he saw two Cleveland players touch home plate. “We’ve never tried to pull anything like that. Quite frankly, it looks pretty hard. First off, you’d almost have to be in a situation where two people were on base, and then if you could manage that, a hitter would have to hit the ball so far away from the fielders that there would be little chance of getting it back to the catcher before the second runner reached home plate. Sounds crazy to me.” Though he admitted the team still did not quite understand how scoring multiple runs works, Gardenhire called it a “cheap gimmick” and said the Twins would not attempt it anytime soon.
Nation Ready For Its Din Din #~# WASHINGTON—Sitting patiently in their chairs with their nappies on their lappies, the residents of the United States announced Wednesday they were ready for their din din. "Yummy yummy num nums," exclaimed a Nashville, TN–area big boy, 42, digging into a mound of macaroni and cheese as soon as his plate touched the table. "Mmmmmm." After din din, the nation will reportedly have its bath, get its jammies on, and then it's time for beddy-bye.
USSR Wins Space Race As U.S. Shuts Down Shuttle Program #~# MOSCOW, USSR—Less than a week after the return of the Atlantis orbiter marked the end of the U.S. space shuttle program, the crowded streets and textile factories of Moscow erupted in celebration as the USSR officially declared victory over the United States in the Space Race.
Men Of An Uncertain Age #~# TNT
Mom And Dad, I'm Gay And Also Stronger Than Both Of You, So Don't Try Any Shit #~# Mom, Dad, there's something we have to talk about. I've been wanting to tell you this for some time, and I want you to know that while I'm fully aware this might be difficult for you to hear, remember, I am still your son, and I love you very much: Mom, Dad, I'm gay, and so help me God, I am stronger than the both of you, and I won't hesitate to beat you back to the Stone Age if you give me any shit about this.
Shaq Prepares For New TNT Job By Doing Research On Talking #~# ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to prepare for his new analyst job on TNT’s Inside The NBA, 15-time All-Star center Shaquille O’Neal has reportedly spent the past two weeks gathering “crucial data” by studying reference books, conducting online searches, and using observational methods to learn more about talking. “Through my in-depth investigation of this fascinating subject, I have discovered that talking will be key to verbally expressing my thoughts, ideas, and opinions about the sport of basketball,” said O’Neal, scribbling in a small notebook filled with elaborate diagrams and mathematical equations. “Although I’ve revised some of my earlier theories on talking, I now believe that thoughts are first formed in the brain and then travel to the tongue, which is used to make the mouth speak words that are strung together in order to create specific comments such as ‘That guy can jump,’ and ‘Steve Nash.’” O’Neal added that he is also spending six hours each day learning how to sit in a chair without falling over.
Co-Founder Of Mattel Dead #~# Elliot Handler, the co-founder of the company that introduced Barbie dolls and Hot Wheels cars, died Thursday at age 95. What do you think?
Area Man To Make Fun Of Dancing For A Bit Before Nervously Joining In #~# NEW YORK—Citing self-consciousness, an inability to let loose, and a knee-jerk tendency to rely on irony in personally vulnerable social situations, local wedding reception attendee Will Harris announced Saturday he would attempt to mock other people's dance moves before gathering the courage to start non-ironically dancing himself. "I plan to start off whispering and pointing at everyone, which is a defense mechanism used to hide my jealousy toward those who can dance without caring what other people think," Harris told reporters. "Then I will do some silly moves, like the robot, the running man, and maybe an invisible lasso in order demean the entire act of dancing so that I can feel a false sense of superiority over those around me. Then I will finally work my way up to actually moving my head with the beat." Sources familiar with Harris said his reluctance was understandable, since he looks like a total idiot on the dance floor.
I Gotta Be A Roadie #~# ABC
Nation's Weirdest Teenager Buys Season One DVD Of 'Murphy Brown' #~# MUSCATINE, IA—Local teen Brian Lemire, who reports indicate is by far the most bizarre person within his age group anywhere in America, purchased a season-one DVD box set of the early '90s CBS sitcom Murphy Brown this weekend. "It's going to be a real treat to enjoy this landmark show's debut episodes and see where the magic all began," said the staggeringly weird Lemire, who, despite being a 16-year-old living in the year 2011, was somehow "especially psyched" for the long-forgotten program's Dan Quayle jokes and its guest appearances from late character actor Darren McGavin. "The first four years were really when the banter between Candice Bergen and [a cast member whose name Lemire strangely knows] was at its peak." At press time, the human being who was barely old enough to speak when Murphy Brown went off the air in 1998 was for some reason chuckling knowingly at the episode 20 commentary track from creator/executive producer Diane English.
New Law Bans Cyclist Harassment #~# A law passed in Los Angeles makes it illegal for motorists to harass bicyclists verbally or physically. What do you think?
Rupert Murdoch Worried He Might Have Damaged Heretofore Perfect Reputation #~# LONDON—Embroiled in a vast scandal involving the company he founded, respected entrepreneur and News Corp. CEO Rupert Murdoch expressed concern Monday that he might have caused significant damage to his heretofore pristine reputation.
Yankees Talking To Several Teams About Robinson Cano: ‘He’s Good And We’re Going To Keep Him’ #~# NEW YORK—According to sources around the league, the New York Yankees have held discussions with multiple teams about All-Star second baseman Robinson Cano, specifically concerning how vital he is to the Yankees’ success and thus how important it is that they keep him in pinstripes. "Brian Cashman called me up this past week and asked what we'd be willing to give up for Robinson Cano, but before I could even answer, he said, 'Whatever it is, it wouldn't be enough, because we just love the guy,'" an executive within the Blue Jays organization told reporters. "Finally he said he wanted to get serious and talk about Jose Bautista, but it turns out he was just wondering if we appreciate having him on our team as much as they appreciate having Cano." Sources around the league have also reported the Yankees’ willingness to entertain teams inquiring about CC Sabathia with a song they've written about their devotion to the All-Star pitcher.
Family Requests Privacy During This Unbelievably Awesome Time #~# COLUMBIA, SC—The Whittaker family asked for privacy Saturday night as they struggled to come to terms with the awesome events of their ridiculously fun week. “Given the nature of what happened here, we would greatly appreciate it if you would respect our privacy during this bitchin’ time so as not to distract anyone from all of the cool shit happening to us," said a spokesperson for the family, wearing a tuxedo with an unfastened bow tie. “Therefore, we will not be making any further comments to the media for the foreseeable future. Woooo!” In lieu of flowers, the family respectfully asked that people send pizza and beer and keep it coming.
Murdoch #~# "Look, anyone who knows me knows that I have never cared about money," - Rupert Murdoch
Darren Clarke #~# No one expected fun-loving Darren Clarke to win the British Open, but the Guinness-and-cigarettes-loving Irishman took his first major at the age of 42. Is he any good?
Frame Guys #~# BRAVO
Pirates Starting To Pay Attention To Themselves #~# PITTSBURGH—Finding themselves six games over .500 and vying for first place in the National League Central Division, members of the Pittsburgh Pirates organization are beginning to take notice of the surprisingly competitive Pittsburgh Pirates. "With us in contention this late in the season, I think we've proven that we can't look past ourselves anymore,"Pirates outfielder Andrew McCutchen said Friday, adding that he's become increasingly aware of himself as a force in the middle of the Pirates lineup. "Now when I look on our schedule and see the Pittsburgh Pirates, I know that we'll really need to show up for that game." According to sources, the Pirates are not the only ones beginning to pay attention, as the team’s first winning season in 18 years has become a welcome distraction to locals who would otherwise be worrying about their own existence in Pittsburgh.
Artists Announce They've Found All The Beauty They Can In Urban Decay #~# DETROIT—After spending more than a century exploiting urban decay to create deeply moving, socially conscious works of art, the art world announced Tuesday that it had captured all the beauty it was going to find in rusted-out cars, abandoned houses, and condemned industrial sites. "These modern ruins speak to the very heart of the human condition, but at this point every last inch of Detroit and Oakland has been documented in photographs, on film, or as part of a multimedia installation," said artist Devon Gerhart, who told reporters that devoting so much time to contemplating the wounded grandeur of blighted cityscapes had led him to the point where he just wanted to see the places cleaned up. "I made my career portraying the plight of the homeless, but now I'm starting to wonder whether they'd prefer it if someone just helped them find a place to live." The world's artists later confirmed plans to spend at least another 50 years churning out heavy-handed depictions of the inherent soullessness of suburban sprawl.
Last Male Heir To Bloodline Watches Movie Alone On Laptop #~# CULVER CITY, CA—Nathan Brandten, the last remaining male heir to a rich genetic lineage stretching dozens of generations into the dim and distant past, watched a movie alone on his laptop late Friday evening, sources reported.
Sandwich From Television Commercial Spotted At Local Restaurant #~# HALFMOON, NY—Local lunch patrons were stunned Tuesday when they spotted the sandwich from a recent 30-second television commercial occupying the window booth at a nearby Arby's franchise. "I think that's the one from TV," said Denise Hudson, 37, adding that the chicken sandwich looked "way more crispy in person." "I didn't recognize it right away, but I did a double take as soon I saw that grilled kaiser roll with the provolone that's melted right onto the bacon." At press time, Hudson couldn't place the man sitting with the sandwich, but assumed he must be someone important.
Perry #~# “I prayed last night and asked the Lord to support my candidacy, and He said no,” - Ricky Perry
Hobbies #~# "If we can't get job legislation passed, the least we can do is provide these citizens with something to do during the workday," - Labor Secretary Hilda Solis
Phil Mickelson Laughs Off 2nd-Place Finish, Blows Brains Out In Car #~# SANDWICH, ENGLAND—Following another tournament meltdown Sunday, the world’s sixth-ranked golfer Phil Mickelson joked to reporters at the British Open about missing a two-foot putt and making three bogeys on the final six holes before calmly walking to his Ford Expedition, getting into the driver’s seat, and blowing his brains out with a .357 Magnum revolver. “Ha, oh boy, looks like I choked again,” said a smiling Mickelson, who just minutes later removed the gun from his glove compartment, placed the barrel in his mouth, and screamed loudly before pulling the trigger. “Guess I let another major slip away, huh? Ha! Ha ha ha ha!” According to hospital reports, Mickelson was unable to successfully complete the suicide attempt, and although he will live, the damage to his bullet-riddled brain and extremely disfigured face is irreparable.
Highlights Of Ben Roethlisberger’s Wedding #~# Steelers quarterback Big Ben Roethlisberger will marry Ashley Harlan this Saturday in what is already being touted as Pittsburgh's royal wedding. Here's what to expect:
Kim Kardashian Suing Old Navy #~# Celebrity Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy for using an actress that looks like her in an ad. What do you think?
Nation's School Systems Held Back A Year #~# WASHINGTON—Having continued to display learning deficits and a failure to reach basic educational milestones, the nation's school systems will be asked to repeat the academic year, sources confirmed Friday. "We know this is disappointing news, but we believe it's for the best," said Education Secretary Arne Duncan, who pointed out that many underperforming schools glide under the radar for years without achieving any kind of proficiency in math, reading, or science. "An extra year will give America's school systems some time to get a better handle on the subject matter so they can catch up with the other nations." Duncan added that allowing school systems to continue on without meeting minimum standards wouldn't be fair to all the kids who come to school every day prepared to learn.
Manager, Pitcher Go Through Entire Bottle Of Wine During Really Great Mound Visit #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Cleveland Indians manager Manny Acta and pitcher Justin Masterson said they "shared a great baseball moment…a great human moment" while splitting a bottle of chilled white wine during an "exceptional" mound visit during Tuesday night's game against the Twins.
Tosh.0 #~# COMEDY
God Urges Rick Perry Not To Run For President #~# AUSTIN, TX—Describing Texas Gov. Rick Perry as grossly unqualified for the position, God, the Creator and Ruler of the Universe, urged Perry not to run for president of the United States Wednesday. “I prayed last night and asked the Lord to support my candidacy, and He said no,” Perry told reporters outside the Texas Capitol, explaining that God had cited the governor’s rejection of federal stimulus funds to expand state jobless benefits, his irresponsible speculation about Texas seceding from the union, and his overall lack of concrete solutions to the nation’s problems as reasons why He could not endorse a Perry presidential bid. “I believe God made some valid points about my lack of credentials, and He’s absolutely right. My extreme beliefs when it comes to social issues and states’ rights are not only disturbingly narrow-minded, but would also make me a horrible president.” When reached for comment, God said He would not be present at Perry’s much-talked-about Christian day of prayer on Aug. 6, calling the governor’s use of his public office to endorse a religion both “irresponsible” and a violation of the Constitution.
News Corp. Under Fire For Cell Phone Hacks #~# Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation, the parent company of Fox News, is under scrutiny following reports that its paper The News Of The World hired people to hack into the phones of politicians, murder victims, and relatives of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. 
FBI Raids Homes In 'Anonymous' Sweep #~# The FBI announced Tuesday it had arrested more than a dozen people in Florida, New Jersey, and California allegedly connected with the hacker group Anonymous. What do you think?
Nation's Optometrists Finally Starting To Recover After Raucous Optic Disc Expo 2011 #~# ATLANTA—Following days of lengthy seminars, pharmaceutical presentations, and panels on topics ranging from retinal fluid to posterior microphthalmos, the lives of optometrists across America finally began returning to normal this week as yet another raucous Optic Disc Expo drew to a close.
Congress Continues Debate Over Whether Or Not Nation Should Be Economically Ruined #~# WASHINGTON—Members of the U.S. Congress reported Wednesday they were continuing to carefully debate the issue of whether or not they should allow the country to descend into a roiling economic meltdown of historically dire proportions. "It is a question that, I think, is worthy of serious consideration: Should we take steps to avoid a crippling, decades-long depression that would lead to disastrous consequences on a worldwide scale? Or should we not do that?" asked House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA), adding that arguments could be made for both sides, and that the debate over ensuring America’s financial solvency versus allowing the nation to default on its debt—which would torpedo stock markets, cause mortgage and interests rates to skyrocket, and decimate the value of the U.S. dollar—is “certainly a conversation worth having.” "Obviously, we don't want to rush to consensus on whether it is or isn't a good idea to save the American economy and all our respective livelihoods from certain peril until we've examined this thorny dilemma from every angle. And if we’re still discussing this matter on Aug. 2, well, then, so be it.” At press time, President Obama said he personally believed the country should not be economically ruined.
Should the nation be allowed to fall into economic ruin? #~# Back to article.
Budweiser Can Sports New Look #~# Budweiser, the second-bestselling beer in the United States, is giving its can a new design featuring red, blue, and gold motif. Here are some other changes the can has undergone over the years:
Phone Hack Whistleblower Found Dead #~# Sean Hoare, a former News Of The World entertainment journalist who was first to admit publicly that reporters were encouraged to hack celebrities' phones, was found dead in his home at Watford, England. What do you think?
Tim Duncan Sends Teammates Google+ Invitations For Fifth Consecutive Day #~# SAN ANTONIO—For nearly a week, Spurs center Tim Duncan has reportedly emailed his teammates invitations to join him on Google’s new social networking site, Google+. “Please join soon, as I’ve already begun sharing game plans and upcoming events via Google+’s Circles feature,” Duncan wrote in an email Tuesday, adding that team chemistry “may suffer” if people don’t have access to each other’s +1’s. “I’ve pinned the San Antonio Spurs under my Sparks, and you should too as soon as you’ve set up your profiles. And, also, guys, please switch out your old Comcast and Earthlink email accounts for new GMail ones so we can communicate easier via Google Groups.” As of press time, no Spurs player has entered Duncan’s current Google+ Hangout.
Labor Dept. Creates 20,000 New Hobbies For Nation's Jobless #~# WASHINGTON—The federal government announced Monday that 20,000 new hobbies would be made available to the nation's 14 million unemployed people in an effort to keep them occupied with mildly diverting pastimes. "If we can't get job legislation passed, the least we can do is provide these citizens with something to do during the workday," Labor Secretary Hilda Solis said of the new federally recommended hobbies, which include Tuesday morning board game leagues, vintage computer-monitor collecting, and finding quick ways to streamline your cell phone contacts. "It is our hope that Americans will take comfort in novel activities such as rearranging the contents of their refrigerator so it looks like a photo from a magazine, as these things don't require a lot of money, just a lot of effort." Many are comparing the move to the Give Them Something Shiny To Look At initiative from 2009, which was a temporary success.
City Opens New Art Jail #~# SAN FRANCISCO—City officials announced the opening of a new maximum-security art jail Tuesday, unveiling a modern detention facility designed to imprison a large population of high-profile paintings and sculptures.
Follow That Dollar Bill #~# FOX
These Summer Movies Are Blockbusting My Wallet! #~# In a world…
'Sports' Wins 11th Consecutive ESPY For 'Best Thing' #~# LAS VEGAS—As expected, Wednesday night's ESPN awards culminated in a win for the recreational competitive activity 'Sports' in the Best Thing category, soundly beating perennial runners-up Girls, Food and Beverages, and Consumer Electronics for the 11th consecutive year and 18th year overall. "It was really great to hand the award over to Sports, which as you know has only lost once, to Steak with Mashed Potatoes in 2000," said George Bodenheimer, president of ESPN Inc, who went on to add that being a 'Sports' fan himself was one of the main reasons he agreed to produce the ESPYs. "Of course, that was a bad year for sports, and a really good one for steak." Sports could not attend the award ceremony in person, but arranged for former professional basketball player Michael Jordan to accept the trophy because of his strong, 40-year relationship with sports.
Casey Anthony Released #~# Acquitted murder suspect Casey Anthony was released from jail on Sunday. What do you think?
15-Year-Old Girl Viciously Torn Apart By Rabid Pack Of Peers #~# MONTEREY, CA—A stunned crowd outside Del Monte Shopping Center watched in horror Saturday as helpless 15-year-old Haley Garner was savagely attacked and ripped to shreds by a pack of her frenzied peers. "They homed in on her immediately, surrounded the poor girl from all sides, and then just tore her to pieces," witness Barry Motts told reporters, saying there was nothing anyone could do for the defenseless teen except look away and let nature run its course. "As traumatizing as it was, I can see why it happened. A beanpole adolescent standing outside a nice mall in an oversized T-shirt tucked into jean shorts, waiting for her mom to pick her up? It's amazing she survived as long as she did." Later, the rabid pack of teens reportedly emitted a series of violent screeches before encircling a slightly obese girl who had entered the mall.
Minnesota Bars Running Dry #~# Following a government shutdown in which bars in Minnesota were unable to renew their liquor-purchasing cards, many establishments are running out of alcoholic beverages to serve. What do you think?
Congress Spotted Leaving Gay Nightclub #~# WASHINGTON—According to numerous eyewitness reports, all 535 members of Congress were seen late Sunday night stumbling out of Mermaids, a gay nightclub in Washington, D.C. "Yeah, I saw them leaving there about 2 a.m.," said passerby Alex Hanvey, who told reporters he watched as a bouncer unhooked a velvet rope and helped the legislative branch of the United States government exit the club. "They hailed a cab and left with some guy." Sources later confirmed the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives had tried to give their phone number to approximately two-thirds of the club's patrons.
U.S. Quietly Slips Out Of Afghanistan In Dead Of Night #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—In what officials said was the "only way" to move on from what has become a "sad and unpleasant" situation, all 100,000 U.S. military and intelligence personnel crept out of their barracks in the dead of night Sunday and quietly slipped out of Afghanistan.
Scratch Our Back... #~# NBC
Fourth-Grader’s World War II Project Vastly Oversimplifies Importance Of Air Combat, Uncle Reports #~# NORRISTOWN, PA—Despite receiving a “check-plus” on his three-page school project entitled “World War II,” fourth-grader Joe Fisher’s work grossly overlooks the full significance of Allied air offensives in Europe and the Pacific, his uncle Ron, 51, reported Tuesday. “What [Joe] failed to grasp was the importance of sustained bombing raids conducted across the Western Front, not to mention the decisive aerial assaults on the Imperial Japanese Navy,” said Ron Fisher about his 9-year-old nephew’s handwritten, stapled, and illustrated report. “Are we actually to believe, as Joe’s report supposes, that a few isolated beach landings in the European theater turned the tide of the war? Frankly, that overstates the case to an embarrassing degree.” Fischer reportedly spent the next 90 minutes detailing how teething problems in the R-2600 engines of Curtis XB2C-1 prototypes were eventually smoothed out in the SB2C service models.
Can I Stand Here? #~# MTV
NFL Players, Owners Warn Lockout May Be Over In Time For Exhibition Games #~# NEW YORK—With a principle agreement in their grasp and only rookie minimums remaining as a substantial stumbling block, representatives for both NFL owners and players cautioned Thursday that 2011's unpopular and most likely boring exhibition season may in fact go forward as scheduled. "We are working hard with both the owners and the player's association to resolve this issue as soon as possible, unfortunately," a press release from the league office read in part. "That could mean football as soon as August 7, when a bunch of guys who have no hope to make the Rams are scheduled to play a sad bunch of dopes who are trying to make the, uh, we think it's Bears. Whatever, we're not watching that crap." At press time attorneys for both sides were working around the clock to find "something, anything, no matter how penny-ante" that would keep talks going until September 8 and the opening of the regular season.
Derek Jeter Relieved He Can Go Back To Not Hitting Ball #~# NEW YORK—After reaching the  3,000-career-hits milestone last week, Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter told reporters Monday that he felt a great sense of relief that he could once again go back to not hitting the ball. “Now that that’s all over with, I can sit back, relax, let my average sink back down to just above .200, and watch everyone debate if I still belong in the starting lineup,” Jeter said. “I really  don’t feel any pressure to get on base for the rest of the season at all. It’s nice.” Jeter added that if he does happen to hit the ball, it will probably just be a weak groundout to the right side.
Sadly, Gift Certificate To Loews Cinemas Perfect Gift For Area Man #~# CHICAGO—While acknowledging it was "sad" and "kind of depressing to think about," sources close to local man Nathan Bosnic admitted Friday that a $50 gift certificate to Loews Cinemas was the perfect present for him. "It breaks my heart to say this, because Nate's my little brother and I love him, but the sad fact of the matter is that he goes to a lot of movies by himself, and he'll get more use out of this than anything else I could have bought him," said Bosnic's sister Kate, adding that the gift was "really a no-brainer," a fact that made it all the more depressing. "I know he'll love the matinee discounts there, because he sees a lot of movies in the daytime. He says he likes it when it's less crowded and he can get a row to himself. Jesus." When asked for comment, Bosnic said he would probably use one of the free tickets to see Tom Hanks' new romantic comedy Larry Crowne, which, sadly, everyone knew he would say.
Little Clay Thing Bought At Arts Festival #~# EUGENE, OR—A small, somewhat spherical clay thing with various types of decorations on it was purchased Friday at the ninth annual Eugene Arts Festival, sources confirmed.
Hope Solo #~# American sports fans are falling in love with the goalkeeper of the U.S. women’s national soccer team, at least partially because of her performance against Brazil in the World Cup. Is she any good?
Great Home Run Derby Moments #~# The Home Run Derby has become almost as compelling as the All-Star game itself. We look back on how this came to be so.
U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Better Not Fucking Blow It #~# MÖNCHENGLADBACH, GERMANY—In light of the enormous momentum and goodwill they are carrying with them into the Women's World Cup final in Frankfurt this Sunday, sources confirmed the U.S. women had better be damned sure they don't fucking blow it. "Their gutsy yet elegant win over Brazil got everyone behind them, and their victory over France—complete with the second Abby Wambach header in as many games—made them look like a team of destiny, so they'd better not fuck this one up, because they’ll look like complete idiots," thousands of bandwagon fans from across the United States said Wednesday, adding that if the team loses Sunday, its whole World Cup run will have been a fucking waste of everyone’s time. "I mean, if they shit the bed by not closing this deal, they'll at best be the answer to a trivia question for the rest of their lives, if not a punch line." Soccer fans in Japan, whose national team upset Sweden 3-1 to advance to the final, agreed, saying that if the Japanese women throw away the greatest underdog story of the past hundred years, they might as well not come home.
Nation's Busiest Highway Closes For Weekend #~# A 10-mile stretch of L.A.’s Interstate 405, the busiest highway in the United States, is closing for the weekend, causing many to cancel plans. What do you think?
Nation's Busiest Highway Closes For Weekend #~# A 10-mile stretch of L.A.’s Interstate 405, the busiest highway in the United States, is closing for the weekend, causing many to cancel plans. What do you think?
Area Woman Always Has Backup Problem Just In Case #~# DAYTON, OH—Local woman Jessica Hartley, 26, confirmed Tuesday that she always has a backup problem handy just in case her initial predicament is resolved or no longer relevant. "Whether it's fretting about my career or the mess in my kitchen, I hate being caught off guard without anything to worry about," Hartley said. "It's good to have a spare problem in your back pocket. I'll probably never use it, but it's comforting to know it's there." Hartley, who is currently apprehensive about paying off a credit card bill, said a misshapen mole on her arm that might be skin cancer should be a good secondary source of stress.
Nation To Always Remember Yao Ming’s 22-Point, 8-Rebound Game Against Milwaukee #~# HOUSTON—Since Yao Ming’s intention to retire from the NBA was first reported last Friday, basketball fans across the country have been reflecting on the player’s nine-year career, with nearly all of them agreeing the Rockets center will forever be remembered for his 22-point, 8-rebound performance against the Milwaukee Bucks during a regular season game in 2007.
The Rochester Way #~# FOX
Obama dance #~# "The United States will never dance for any nation on earth more than once. There will be no encore." - President Obama
Dumptruck #~# "There's a lot more to me than anyone realizes," - Dumptruck
Pope #~# "Not only are Tony and Craig complete sweethearts, but anyone who spends more than two minutes with them can see they're clearly perfect for each other," - Pope Benedict XVI
Last Shuttle Launched Into Space #~# The launch of Atlantis last week marked the final mission of NASA's shuttle program. Here are some key moments in space shuttle history:
'Brady Bunch' Creator Dead At 94 #~# Sherwood Schwartz, creator of The Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island, died Tuesday at the age of 94. What do you think?
Report: You Know You Are A Fucking Idiot, Right? #~# AMHERST, MA—According to a study published Friday by experts who can tell just by looking at you, you have got to be aware that you're a fucking idiot. "You know that, right?" the report read in part, going on to stress that you really ought to see what everyone else sees when they look at your stupid face. "There's really no way you couldn't know, but then again, you're such a giant dumbass that anything's possible." The report concluded that, seriously, if you don't realize it, you'd better get a fucking clue.
China Agrees To Erase Portion Of U.S. Debt If Americans Dress Up In Costumes And Perform Silly Dance For Them #~# BEIJING—In what it's describing as a magnanimous gesture toward an economy in decline, the Chinese government announced Monday it would forgive a portion of the staggering U.S. debt if Americans agreed to dress up in costumes and perform silly dances for their amusement.
Woman problem #~# "Whether it's fretting about my career or the mess in my kitchen, I hate being caught off guard without anything to worry about."
The Next Day #~# You're tired from a late night out with friends, and you have to be up for breakfast with your parents. Here are some ways to survive the day:
Getting Everyone Together #~# It can be hard to organize a large group and reach a consensus on where to go. Here are some ways to make it easier:
New Antibiotic-Resistant Gonorrhea Strain Found #~# Investigators at the Centers for Disease Control have identified a new strain of gonorrhea that is resistant to the effects of most antibiotics. What do you think?
Obama Sort Of Freaked Out After Not Receiving Single E-Mail, Phone Call For Entire Day #~# WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama told reporters Tuesday he was surprised and "a bit unsettled" that he had not received a single e-mail, phone call, or written briefing in the past 24 hours. "Usually there's at least a national security memo or a call or two from [White House chief of staff] Bill [Daley]," Obama said while watching CNN to make sure nothing had happened that might have disrupted the nation's telecommunications network or removed him from power. "They wouldn't leave me out of the loop on anything big, would they? I've got full bars here, so people should at least be able to reach me on my cell." Obama later used a Hotmail account to send a message to his work address with the subject line "E-mail Check," and it reportedly went through fine.
Vatican Reverses Stance On Gay Marriage After Meeting Tony And Craig #~# VATICAN CITY—In a stunning and unexpected reversal of long-standing doctrine, Pope Benedict XVI proclaimed the Roman Catholic Church's unequivocal support for gay marriage Tuesday, just hours after meeting Stonington, CT couple Tony Ruggiero and Craig Housinger.
Winter Olympic Event Guide: Snøkåathlaan, Part 2 #~# Our handy viewer's guide continues this week with a comprehensive guide to a thrilling sport rich in tradition.
Breaking Bad #~# AMC
Yeah, Take It Off #~# Well, hello there. It's been a while, hasn't it?
U.S. Withdraws $800 Million In Pakistan Aid #~# In the midst of strained relations between the two countries, the United States announced it would suspend more than one-third of its $2 billion in military assistance to Pakistan. What do you think?
Nickname To Forever Prevent People From Getting To Know The Real Dumptruck #~# BLAIRSVILLE, GA—Having been saddled with the nickname for years, a 27-year-old man known to his friends as "Dumptruck" told reporters Tuesday that he fears people will never get to know the real him. "There's a lot more to me than anyone realizes," said Dumptruck, who is also called Dumpy, Dumps, D.T., and Deets for short. "I have a rooftop herb garden, I volunteer as a math tutor, and I love classical music. But none of that is what comes to mind when people think of me." At press time, sources said to check out that shirt the Big Dumper was wearing.
Baseball Fans Excited For All-Star Matchup Between Best Available Non-Injured Players Willing To Play In Game #~# PHOENIX—Baseball fans across the country have registered their excitement for Tuesday night’s MLB All-Star game, saying they can’t wait to watch the league’s annual showcase of its best players who aren’t injured, aren’t afraid of potentially getting injured, aren’t too tired, are free the night of July 12, didn’t pitch recently, aren’t scheduled to pitch next week, don’t mind making the trip to Arizona, and are actually willing to play two and a half innings of baseball. “I love the All-Star game—seeing all those guys who sort of want to be there, don't really deserve to be, and haven't reached a point in their careers where they are confident enough to flat-out reject what fans want, all together on the same diamond,” said local Diamondbacks fan Neil Shernoff, adding that he was most thrilled to see whoever was replacing Placido Polanco. “Sure, Jose Reyes, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Shane Victorino, Ryan Braun, Justin Verlander, Felix Hernandez, Jon Lester, CC Sabathia, David Price, Mariano Rivera, Cole Hamels, and Matt Cain may not take the field, but there are some other guys here, and they’re going to play a game of baseball.” Both managers said they’d be utilizing their entire rosters once they learned who their players are and what positions they play.
Very Lenient Umpire Tells Base Runner Next Time He Gets Tagged He’s Out #~# MIAMI—Umpire Laz Diaz displayed an unusual amount of leniency Sunday, allowing a clearly tagged Hanley Ramirez to take third base regardless of his failed steal attempt, on condition the Marlins shortstop understood he could not count on the same treatment next time. “I told him next time he’s tagged out, I’m calling him out,” Diaz told reporters after the game. “But I figured Hanley makes that play 9 out of 10 times, so for him to mess up that badly means something’s probably going on in his personal life, and hey, we’ve all been there. I can respect that.” Asked why the umpire also declared Logan Morrison’s eighth-inning foul a home run, Diaz replied, “You could see in his eyes he meant to hit a home run.”
After-Bar Activities #~# The bars are closed, but you and your friends still want to hang out. Here are some ways to continue the good times:
Extremist Groups Flourish In Northwest U.S. #~# As the economy continues to falter, militias and hate groups are on the rise in the American Northwest. What do you think?
Cake Boss #~# TLC
Kevin Youkilis Puts Sign-Up Sheet For Threesome In Red Sox Dugout #~# BOSTON—Third baseman Kevin Youkilis reportedly posted a sign-up sheet for a threesome in the Red Sox dugout Monday, encouraging players and coaches to join him for a great opportunity to “get their fuck on.” “Let’s do this, guys. I’m already super hard thinking about all this group boning,” said Youkilis, who pretended to stroke a 4-foot-long erection while urging teammembers to also sign up girlfriends, wives, or even grandmothers, as long as they weren’t squeamish about “backdoor action.” “The combination doesn’t matter as long as there’s an equal number of poles and holes. Dustin, I’m going to put your name up here. You don’t have to join in. You can just jerk it in the corner if you want. We’re all just trying to get off, right?” According to sources, Youkilis warned the team to wear clothes that they didn’t mind getting jizz-stained.
Funk Congress #~# The time has come to face facts: To move forward, we've got to get on up, and stay on the scene, like a sex machine." - Brick House Majority Leader James Brown (G-GA)
Twisted Sister #~# "The world is a different place today, and with that in mind, we would like to go on record as saying that, starting right now, we are going to take it." - Twisted Sister
Miracle Baby Born With Job #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Following a long and difficult delivery, weary but jubilant doctors announced that at 8:23 a.m. Tuesday, area mother Cathleen Jericho had miraculously given birth to a healthy, strong, and fully employed baby boy. "We've never seen anything like this, but once we saw the resumé come out it was clear that the newborn was the VP of Sales, East Coast Division," said attending physician Dr. Bernard Hunt, who recommended the baby stay in an incubator for several nights until he was fully vested in his company's 401(k) plan. "There was some concern that he was going to have to be put on emergency unemployment for the first week, but this kid had a lot of fight in him and some great references. He'll be able to retire before the age of 6, I'm sure." While the new parents said they're just thankful their child has 10 finger and 10 toes, they later admitted they'd had their heart set on a lawyer.
New Study Shows People With Panic Disorders Respond Poorly To Being Locked In Underwater Elevators #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—A study published Monday in the Journal Of Abnormal Psychology found that individuals who suffer from panic disorders react negatively to being locked in underwater elevators for indefinite periods of time.
Music Festival Tips #~# This summer promises to be a vibrant one for music festivals, due to the growing popularity of the Pitchfork Festival, Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, and others. Here's how you can keep safe and comfortable during these multiday events:
Fish #~# "The bass were the first to talk about it, but they're kind of a coarse fish." - Eight-pound walleyed pike
Dick Armey #~# "We cannot afford to take the health of our nation's lawns for granted." - Sen. Dick Armey (R-TX)
Perry Became Millionaire In Politics #~# Since entering public office, Texas governor Rick Perry has profited from multiple land deals that, according to critics, were the result of his political connections. What do you think?
Patient Referred To Physician Who Specializes In Giving A Shit #~# NORTH PLATTE, NE—After visiting his primary care physician Tuesday with complaints of intense pain in his left leg, computer programmer Dan Fields was referred to a specialist who focuses on giving a shit. “I want to send you to someone who specializes in not dismissing you brusquely after three minutes,” Dr. Paul Niles said as he hastily scrawled out a referral and pushed Fields to the door. “Dr. Lewis is really one of the best out there at regarding patients as actual human beings. If anyone’s going to listen closely without resenting you for taking too much of his time, it’s him.” Niles added that his colleague’s reputation for giving a shit, however, often meant waiting at least four months to get an appointment.
Catcher Doesn't Have Heart To Throw Out Stealing Johnny Damon #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Compassionate Texas Rangers catcher Mike Napoli could not bring himself to throw out Rays’ 37-year-old outfielder Johnny Damon as he attempted to steal second base Tuesday, allowing the two-time All Star to safely take the bag in the top of the seventh inning. “I honestly had all the time in the world to throw him out, but I didn’t want to embarrass him in front of everybody,” Napoli told reporters after the game, adding that it would have broken his heart to watch Damon get thrown out by such a large margin. “If he goes home tonight thinking that he ran so fast that it didn’t even warrant a throw, then so be it. The guy deserves his dignity.” Sources close to Napoli confirmed that Damon called Napoli the day after the game to say “Thank you.”
Failing U.S. Economy No Reason At All To Stop Investing In Print Media, All Experts Agree #~# NEW YORK—The nation's top experts unanimously agreed Tuesday that the current struggles of the U.S. economy were no reason whatsoever to stop investing in print media, which they said was easily the safest and most profitable place to invest one's money.
ONION NEWS NETWORK LANDS FIRST INTERVIEW WITH BEYONCE'S BABY #~# Network To Air Exclusive Pre-Natal Interview With Singer's Fetus
Push The Button! #~# ABC
If I Go Extinct I Swear I Will Take As Many Humans With Me As I Can #~# I think people always expected that when the time came for us to go extinct, we'd go down all quietlike—that just because we're small blue butterflies with a wingspan of an inch, we wouldn't put up a fight. Well, I can assure you that before my kind dies out there will be a reckoning. Blood will run in the streets. Human blood.
Half Of Adults Obese By 2030 #~# According to the British medical journal The Lancet, 50 percent of Americans will be obese by 2030 based on current trends in diet, nutrition, and exercise. What do you think?
B.J. Raji Shouldn’t Have Eaten That Burrito, Cheeseburger, Bag Of Chips, Ice Cream Sandwich, Cheesecake, Second Burrito Before Game #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Green Bay Packers defensive tackle B.J. Raji admitted  Friday that it may not have been a good decision to eat a burrito, cheeseburger, bag of chips, ice cream sandwich, cheesecake, and a second burrito before his game against the Colts. "I know coach says we shouldn't eat before games, but I didn't think a little slice of pizza, box of Frosted Flakes, scrambled eggs, pancakes, turkey leg, six chicken quesadillas, beef jerky sticks, Twizzlers, 12 ounce filet, couple of Boston cream doughnuts, a chocolate frosted doughnut, bowl of mashed potatoes, a Rolo candy bar, plate of spaghetti, egg salad sandwich, and a half-gallon of chocolate milk would hurt," Raji said, pausing to grab his belly with both arms and moan. "Actually maybe there was something off with the fish sticks, or pretzels, or steamed dumplings, or strawberry milkshake, or biscuits, or falaffel, or fried dumplings, or gorganzola salad, or seven slices of American cheese, or ice cream cake roll, or fistfuls of goldfish crackers, or eggs Benedict, or barbecue pork ribs, or shrimp scampi, or veal parmesan I had at halftime.” Raji added that while he was currently in pain, he didn’t regret for a single second eating that entire birthday cake, extra large container of Cool Whip, or meatball sub, and that the bagel he was currently munching on was delicious, as would be the Twix bar he intended to eat for dessert.
Tea Party Congressman Calls For Tax Breaks To Put Out Raging Wildfire In District #~# WASHINGTON—With a massive wildfire currently raging out of control in his district, Tea Party Caucus member Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ) pressed Congress to pass immediate tax breaks Tuesday to combat the rapidly spreading blaze. "This fire has already burned hundreds of square miles and left thousands of helpless families with only one hope: across-the-board income tax cuts and a sharply lower corporate tax rate," said Franks, stating that broad-based tax relief would spur investment and extinguish the towering flames that grow larger by the minute. "We must act now. The longer the oppressive tax burden on honest, hardworking individuals remains unaddressed, the larger and more deadly this fire will become." According to staffers, Franks plans to honor the nine individuals who have perished in the blaze by introducing additional legislation this week that would eliminate Medicaid.
Wanna Be On A Bravo Show? #~# Bravo
Bill Watterson Writes, Illustrates, Shreds New 'Calvin And Hobbes' Strip Each Morning Out Of Spite #~# CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OH—Despite not having published a new comic strip since December 1995, cartoonist Bill Watterson has reportedly taken the time every day since to write, pencil, hand-ink, and, out of spite, destroy a new installment of Calvin And Hobbes. "Wow, this might be one of the best yet," Watterson said as he completed his 5,689th strip of the past 16 years and then immediately fed it into a paper shredder. "I bet my millions of fans would really love this whole new direction for Spaceman Spiff. Oh, well, fuck them." According to sources, Watterson also spends a portion of his time calling comic strip syndicates to discuss publishing new material, only to abruptly announce, "Actually, that's never gonna happen," and hang up the phone.
New Species Count: 8.7 Million #~# According to a recent statistical analysis of Earth’s biodiversity, there are currently 8.7 million different species on the planet. What do you think?
Ongoing Iraqi Violence Almost Makes American Invasion Seem Pointless #~# WASHINGTON—Following the latest surge of violence in Iraq, a Pew Research Center poll released Monday has found that a substantial majority of Americans now believe the continuing bloodshed in the country almost makes it seem as if the 2003 U.S. invasion might have actually been somewhat pointless.
Level-Headed Yankee Fans To Take Curtis Granderson's Excellent Season Into Account Should He Struggle Down Stretch #~# NEW YORK—The New York Yankees fanbase, known for its level headed and reasonable disposition, released a collective statement Monday claiming that, should MVP candidate Curtis Granderson begin to slump come September, they would carefully take into consideration his excellent season before determining exactly how they should treat him. “He’s had a career year for us, so if he goes a couple games without a hit or strikes out during a clutch situation in the bottom of the 8th inning, we won’t abruptly turn on him by booing him or questioning his sexual orientation,” said Yankees fan John Pompa, adding that fans of the pinstripes are practical people who understand that every baseball player goes through a slump. “It’s our responsibility to realize, especially in situations where Curtis’ play may hurt our record, that he was a major component in making us a World Series contender in the first place. So we’re not going to fly off the handle and shout things at him that either degrade his family or could be construed as racially insensitive.” While Yankees fans stated they would be pleasantly surprised if the team could win its 28th World Series this year, they admitted that winning isn’t everything.
Terrelle Pryor #~# The Raiders acquired the controversy-ridden Ohio State quarterback in the NFL supplementary draft. Is he any good?
19 14 Kids And Counting #~# TLC
NFL Fans Looking Forward To Season Of Touchbacks #~# NEW YORK—The National Football League's decision to move kickoffs to the 35 yard line has football fans across the nation anticipating a 2011 season full of dramatic, tension-producing touchbacks, league sources report. "When the return man catches the football, looks up to see the coverage team has already made it across the 50-yard line, and slowly, almost reluctantly sinks to take a knee in the end zone… That may be the best play in sports," said longtime football fan David Merriman. "In fact there is nothing more boring to me than when the return man evades a few tackles, gets a key block, and sprints up the sideline towards the end zone.  Touchbacks are why I watch football." In related news, the Chicago Bears have released return specialist Devin Hester, saying there were at least three people on their roster who could kneel down with the ball for $8 million less.
Cash-Strapped Oklahoma To Conduct Executions By Hammering Squad #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Facing a budget shortfall, the State of Oklahoma announced Thursday it would cease to conduct capital punishment by lethal injection and would instead carry out executions by hammering squad. "This will help us cut spending while continuing to ensure justice is served for the most heinous criminals," said Department of Corrections director Justin Jones, who explained that administering the death penalty with the same kind of hammer you might find in a kitchen drawer would eliminate $150,000 from the state's deficit. "It doesn't require any special equipment, since most of our executioners already own hammers. And though it takes considerably longer than more traditional methods, you save quite a bit when you don't have to pay for an anesthesiologist." Jones added that in a pinch, the hammering squad could also use the butt end of a screwdriver or a cast-iron skillet.
Novelist Has Whole Shitty World Plotted Out #~# GLOUCESTER, MA—As he neared completion this week on his latest novel, By The Water's Edge, author Edward Milligan marveled aloud to reporters how he was able to flesh out, in meticulous detail, every single corner of his book's vast and stunningly shitty world.
Let's Make It Real #~# CBS
THE ONION NEWS NETWORK CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR EAST COAST EARTHQUAKE AND HURRICANE #~# Testing New Machine, Disastronome XG-479, The Onion News Network Creates Natural Disasters At Will
Miami's Alleged Violations #~# As the University of Miami is investigated for illegal dealings between players and boosters, Onion Sports offers this handy guide to what is alleged to have happened:
America Gets Set To Enjoy Month Or So Of Libya Seeming Like Symbol Of Freedom #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Americans across the nation told reporters Wednesday that with the collapse of Muammar Qaddafi’s despotic regime, they were preparing to savor the next month or so of Libya seeming like an inspirational symbol of freedom. “We’ve got a nice four weeks of thinking Libya represents a triumph of liberty before the situation begins to deteriorate and some new form of authoritarianism inevitably asserts itself,” said Michigan-based architect Wes Reinhorn, adding that while he was looking forward to the nation potentially serving as a model for other Arab countries, he would eventually realize the situation in the region was very complex, and any hope he had of Libya transforming things for the better would presumably fade away by October. “We should all enjoy this stirring image of Libya as a beacon of democracy before Islamists or a new military strongman moves in to fill the power vacuum.” Other Americans, however, said that after a month of looking to Libya as a symbol of freedom, they planned to simply stop paying attention to the nation altogether.
Brawl Highlights Decades Of Tension Between China, Georgetown #~# BEIJING—The bench-clearing brawl during last week’s exhibition game between the Georgetown Hoyas and China’s Bayi Rockets was merely the latest incident in a long-simmering conflict between Asia’s most powerful country and the college basketball team, historians confirmed Monday. “Tensions between the two have been mounting ever since then-coach Buddy O’Grady came out against Mao Tse-tung and the Chinese Revolution of 1949,” said Georgetown professor Anthony DelDonna, adding that Allen Iverson’s visit to Taiwan in 1994, during which the point guard officially recognized the sovereignty of the island state, brought the communist nation and the college to the brink of all-out war. “The only surprise is that anybody made it out of this basketball game alive. The Chinese spent much of the 1980s trying to assassinate Patrick Ewing.” Though further conflicts may be temporarily averted by Georgetown coach John Thompson III and Chinese president Hu Jintao’s agreement to let U.N. peacekeepers officiate games, intelligence reports indicate the Hoyas are now only six months away from completing their first nuclear weapon.
Space Station Supply Rocket Crashes #~# A Russian rocket carrying nearly 3 tons of supplies for the International Space Station crashed five minutes after takeoff, an accident expected to delay the return of astronauts to Earth. What do you think?
Insane Moron Draws Conclusion From NFL Preseason Game #~# BRISTOL, CT—Basing his argument on an entirely meaningless preseason game between the Chicago Bears and the New York Giants, a deranged idiot came to a completely fucking stupid conclusion Tuesday about the whole 2011 NFL season, sources confirmed.
Big Mac: Inside The McDonald's Empire #~# CNBC
Republicans Praise Nixon Administration For Allowing Qaddafi To Rule Libya So He Could One Day Be Overthrown #~# WASHINGTON—GOP officials claimed credit Thursday for the Libyan people’s liberation from Col. Muammar Qaddafi’s despotic 42-year rule, saying that without the Nixon administration permitting Qaddafi to take control of Libya in the first place, there never would have been a tyrannical regime to topple. “In 1969, Qaddafi staged a coup, abolished the monarchy, kicked out American forces, and demanded U.S. oil companies share more revenue or else face expulsion—had Nixon and his Republican appointees done anything at all to stop Qaddafi during this time, Libya wouldn’t be celebrating his downfall today, in 2011,” explained Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC), calling the Libyan uprising a clear feather in the GOP’s cap. “So once again, the Libyan people have only the Republican Party to thank, because without our brilliant foresight, there would have been no Qaddafi dictatorship, and without a Qaddafi dictatorship, there would never have been a reason for the uprising. Understand? Again, this is our accomplishment, and ours alone.” Before thanking reporters for their time, Graham quickly added that Barack Obama had failed on every level and will always fail on every level.
Overtired 398-Month-Old Throws Tantrum #~# LANSING, MI—Appearing tired, agitated, and "a lot fussier than usual," whining 398-month-old Jeff Burnsworth reportedly threw a big tantrum Saturday evening. "The poor guy must be tuckered out," said roommate Andy Northcutt, explaining that the normally well-behaved Burnsworth had skipped his afternoon nap and then gotten "a little wound up" when his friends came over. "He's already had his dinner, so I know it's not that. I think he's probably just ready to be put down for the night." Northcutt added that he planned to sit Briggs on the sofa and put The Departed on, as that always works.
Steve Jobs Resigns #~# Said to be in poor health, Apple CEO Steve Jobs stepped down late Wednesday. What do you think?
PayPal Founder To Create Island #~# Peter Thiel, the founder of PayPal and an early investor in Facebook, is putting $1.25 million of his own money toward the creation of artificial libertarian island-nations. Here are some of the features the islands will include:
New Apple CEO Tim Cook: 'I'm Thinking Printers' #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Following the resignation of Apple founder Steve Jobs, incoming CEO Tim Cook called a meeting of shareholders and members of the press Thursday morning to announce that he envisioned printers as the company’s future. “Laser, ink-jet, double-sided, color, black-and-white—the future of technology is in printers. I am absolutely convinced of that,” Cook explained to a packed auditorium as a montage of printers and people using printers played on a screen behind him. “What is the one thing people will always need? It’s obvious: printers. Printers with fax machines attached, printers that collate and staple, perhaps a printer that makes photocopies. Anything’s possible. It’s called innovation.” Cook concluded his remarks by assuring investors the release of upcoming Apple products such as the iPhone 5 would be postponed for at least four years so the company could throw all its time and resources into the creation of high-quality printers for the home and office.
Comic Sans #~# "It turned out that when people read Comic Sans, the same areas in the brain light up as when they view fat people or penguins."
Voice Inside Cheering Libyan Rebel's Head: 'Oh, Fuck, Now What?' #~# TRIPOLI—An uneasy voice inside the head of cheering Libyan rebel Ahmed Jibril reportedly said, "Oh, fuck, now what?" Wednesday as the jubilant fighter celebrated the downfall of Muammar Qaddafi. "Uh-oh, what happens now? Seriously, what the fuck happens now?" said the interior monologue of the smiling man who stood atop the roof of Qaddafi's former compound screaming "Freedom is ours!" and pumping his fist. "There's a massive power vacuum, and looking around, I don't really see anyone who's going to fill it. It's certainly not going to be me, I'll tell you that much. Is this country going to descend into chaos? Please, please, please don't let that happen. Someone just needs to tell me what our next step is right now or I'm seriously going to flip the fuck out." The voice inside the head of the man who exultantly fired three machine gun bursts into the air quickly added, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."
Lewis Out For MDA Telethon #~# Despite a report that Jerry Lewis and the Muscular Dystrophy Association had reconciled, for the first time in 45 years the comedian will not be hosting the group's annual Labor Day Telethon. What do you think?
McDonald's Unveils New Senior Citizen PlayPlace #~# OAK BROOK, IL—In an effort to accommodate an aging customer base and make the McDonald’s experience “super fun for seniors 65 to 95,” the fast-food chain unveiled its new Senior Citizen PlayPlaces Wednesday. “The ball pit has a special winch to lower seniors into and out of it,” said day-shift manager Will Earle, adding that the tunnel-maze has multiple exits in case seniors become disoriented or scared. “We have a slide wide enough to accommodate wheelchairs, and on Saturdays, Ronald himself stops by to make balloon animals and just talk to the old folks. They like talking to Ronald.” McDonald’s confirmed plans to open even more senior PlayPlaces by 2013, saying they provide a space in which children can enjoy a meal and still keep an eye on their elderly parents or grandparents.
Notre Dame Stays Competitive, Falls Short In Intra-Squad Scrimmage #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Despite holding a lead with 13 minutes left to play in the fourth quarter, Notre Dame fell short in an intra-squad scrimmage game Friday, losing 33-27 in the final heartbreaking seconds. “We couldn’t stop them, we couldn’t score when we needed to—we beat ourselves out there,” Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly told reporters after the practice, adding that the loss was particularly painful because “we should be able to beat those guys.” Close games are always tough to swallow, but, in the end, it came down to who was the better team. And that wasn’t us.” Notre Dame is off to its worst start since 2010.
Congress To Bet The Farm On One Last Big Bill #~# 'We're Going All In, Boys,' Congressmen Say
I Shouldn't Be Alive #~# Animal
Report: Male Hair Loss 7 Times More Painful Than Childbirth #~# LOS ANGELES—According to a study released Wednesday by the California Pain Medicine Center, subjects suffering from male- pattern baldness were found to experience a level of physical pain at least seven times more intense than that experienced by women during childbirth. "Clinical studies show that as hair gradually separates from the scalp, men experience intensifying waves of all-consuming pain equivalent to having their insides ripped out through the thousands of tiny follicles on their head," said Vincent Kwan, who led the all-male research team that carried out the study. "While strong uterine contractions and tearing of the vaginal walls undoubtedly cause a degree of discomfort among women in labor, balding men would give anything to experience those sensations instead of lying awake and suffering all night as their hair thins." Kwan stated that men's remarkable ability to endure years of excruciating agony without the aid of epidurals or other powerful analgesics was a testament to the sex's unrivaled tolerance for pain.
As Long As You're Smiling, Nothing Can Get You Down vs. This Shelter For Homeless AIDS Sufferers Has Been Defunded; Please Gather Your Things #~# Now and again we all find ourselves feeling a little bit "blue." That's just life, after all. But remember, without the bad times, how would we learn to appreciate the good? Look hard enough, and you'll always find that little ray of sunshine peeking through the clouds, even on the rainiest of days. The trick is to keep on smiling!
Bears Offensive Line Coach Mike Tice Fairly Close To Learning Difference Between Tackle And Guard #~# BOURBONNAIS, IL—Despite struggling through the first three weeks of training camp, Bears offensive line coach Mike Tice told a group of reporters Tuesday he has “just about figured out” the difference between offensive tackles and guards. “I can’t say with confidence right now I know which is which, but that’s why we hold training camp,” said Tice, who has tried to label the line formation on his fingers to help him remember but keeps sucking the ink off while thinking about other things. “You work on this stuff now so you don’t have to worry about it during the season.” Though Tice speculated he could learn the difference between the types of players by the beginning of the regular season, he admitted that he continues to struggle with the difference between “left” and “right.”
Report: At This Point, Most Americans Feel More Comfortable In Dying Economy #~# WASHINGTON—A report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that after more than four years of financial hardship, a majority of Americans now feel more at ease living in a failing economy than they would in a thriving one.
Cool It #~# Food Network
Qaddafi Regime Ends #~# Libyan rebels had captured most of Tripoli Monday, spelling the end of dictator Muammar Qaddafi's reign. What do you think?
DHS Announces Racial Profiling Free-For-All This Sept. 11 #~# WASHINGTON—Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced Thursday that the Transportation Security Administration, the Border Patrol, and all levels of U.S. law enforcement would be engaging in an all-out nationwide racial profiling binge on Sunday, Sept. 11. "If you have curly hair, a beard of any kind, or so much as a hint of a foreign accent, get ready, because you will definitely be interrogated," said Napolitano, cautioning those with surnames longer than five syllables or containing Z's not to even look at a plane that day unless they wanted to spend an extra five hours held up at security. "My advice to anyone with even the slightest amount of melanin in their skin is just to stay inside and wait it out, because we're going to be handing out pat-downs and full-on detentions like there's no tomorrow." Saying the success of the racial profiling spree would rely largely on public vigilance, Napolitano called on Americans to take note of anyone who looked different from themselves and either report such persons to authorities or "just take them down yourself."
'Extreme Couponing' Craze Increases Newspaper Theft #~# A TV show about extreme coupon use has been blamed for an uptick in the number of newspapers stolen from driveways, newstands, and coin-operated dispensers. What do you think?
Nation's Celebrities Not Famous Enough, Publicists Agree #~# LOS ANGELES—In a group statement released Monday to all known broadcast, cable, online, and print news outlets, publicists from throughout the entertainment industry urgently warned that the nation's celebrities remain "dangerously under-famous" and need to become "much, much more" famous than they currently are.
Report: No One Over 13 Wants To Play QB For Redskins #~# ASHBURN, VA—Though the Washington Redskins are currently attempting to decide on their starting quarterback, no person older than the age of 13 has shown any enthusiasm about the position, team sources confirmed Sunday. “We had one ninth-grader come in, but he wouldn’t play here unless we got him a serious receiving threat,” said head coach Mike Shanahan, staring warily as an overweight 10-year-old girl attempted to throw a five-yard out to Santana Moss. “The problem we have here is that the only people in camp that are really excited about leading this team can’t see over the offensive line, can only throw underhanded, and trip over their jerseys.” The Redskins’ quarterback situation further deteriorated Sunday evening, when owner Daniel Snyder offered to trade Grossman and a third-round pick to a local Pop Warner team in exchange for their backup quarterback and cash.
Dan Uggla #~# Uggla's 33-consecutive-game hit streak was the longest in the majors in five years. Is he any good?
Area Man Guesses He Doesn't Need MC Lyte Wikipedia Page Open Anymore #~# IOWA CITY, IA—After keeping the tab open for almost three hours, local man Nathan Marsten decided this afternoon he could probably shut down the MC Lyte Wikipedia page on his web browser. “I looked her up earlier because I got that ‘Cha Cha Cha’ song stuck in my head, but I feel like there’s really no need to keep it open at this point,” said Marsten, who learned from his scanning of the page that Lyte’s two older brothers are also hip-hop artists, and that they collaborated on some of her records. “If worse comes to worst, it’ll still be in my browser history. Or I could just Google her name again. It’ll literally take three seconds.” At press time, it remains unclear as to why Marsten has opted to keep the Wikipedia page on Tripoli open.
Jesus Christ Claims Tim Tebow Not Ready To Be NFL Starter #~# DENVER—Jesus Christ, noted  Son of God and football analyst proclaimed Monday that second-year Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow lacks the pocket presence, arm strength, and passing accuracy necessary to be a starter in the NFL. “Tim’s place is at the right hand of the other backups on the bench, and his earthly works show that he deserves to dwell there all the days of his life,” said Lord and Savior of all mankind, adding, ““It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle than for Tim Tebow to complete a pass against the Cover-2”. “For Tebow must have faith in coach Fox’s plan, and pay his dues by wearing the headset, and by calling in plays from the clipboard while watching from the sidelines.” Christ also asked Tebow to stop praying to Him and asking to be made the number one quarterback in the depth chart, claiming “that’s never going to fucking happen.”
Everything In Power Done To Appear Interesting To Attractive Woman On Subway #~# NEW YORK—According to evening commuters, 26-year-old web designer Kevin Hanley summoned every resource at his disposal Tuesday in an effort to appear more thoughtful and sophisticated, hoping to capture the attention of an attractive woman on the subway. "As soon as she got on the train, he sat up straighter, adjusted the angle he was holding his book at so he could show off the title, and started doing this thing where he would casually run his fingers across his stubble," said a witness to the scene, adding that Hanley would also look off into the middle distance from time to time and smile as though he were contemplating something humorous or poignant. "And at one point, I swear to God, he even furrowed his brow and wrote something down in a little notebook." When he gave up his seat to an elderly person in an effort to look chivalrous, the attractive woman appeared to notice Hanley at last, walking up to him, saying "Excuse me," and maneuvering past him so she could exit at her stop.
Lonely Teacher, Outcast Student Begin Somewhat Endearing Sexual Relationship #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Filling the voids of loneliness present in their respective lives, Robert P. Hughes High School science teacher Lorraine Belmont, 33, and sophomore Matthew Clark, 16, have reportedly begun a sexual relationship that observers have described as being actually somewhat endearing.
2011 College Football Preseason Poll #~# With college football season almost upon us, it's time to take a look at where the top teams rank in the preseason polls.
Sports Psychologists Suggest Tiger's Slump May Be Because Of All That Shit He Went Through #~# HOUSTON—In a study published Monday, several representatives from the Institute of Sports Psychology advanced the theory that Tiger Woods' recent string of poor performances may be directly tied to all the crazy shit he's gone through over the past two years. "It's always difficult to analyze somebody from a distance, but when assessing Tiger's struggles on the golf course, it's hard to attribute it to anything besides the months-long shitstorm we watched him go through," said ISP director Robert Andrews, adding that his organization is conducting additional research to further map causal relations between diminished athletic achievement and fucked-up personal shit going on. "Failing to qualify for tournaments, finishing 15 strokes off the lead in 40th place—all that can be traced to reduced confidence and concentration from all the bullshit going on in your life." When asked about the diminished performance experienced by recently retired wide receiver Randy Moss, ISP psychologists said the seven-time Pro Bowler is just "completely fucked in the head."
Abercrombie & Fitch Institutes Reverse Sponsorship #~# As a publicity stunt, Abercrombie & Fitch has offered to pay Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino not to wear its clothing line, saying they believe an association with him is "contrary to the aspirational image of the brand." What do you think?
Freshman Asks New Roommate Not To Hide Masturbation From Him #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—As Indiana University students began moving into their assigned residence halls Wednesday, freshman Martin Mattucci told his new roommate Corey Dwire not to worry about hiding his acts of masturbation. "I just want you to know, right off the bat, that I'm cool with you jerking off when I'm around," said Mattucci, who added that any other arrangement would be impractical considering the two would be sharing a 10-by-10-foot room for the next nine months. "If I walk in while you're rubbing one out, just keep right on going. The way I see it, it would be more awkward if you stopped. By the way, my name's Martin." Mattucci added that he always keeps plenty of paper towels and moisturizer around for just such occasions, so Dwire should feel free to let him know if he's running low or needs extra.
Jerk Off #~# "I just want you to know, right off the bat, that I'm cool with you jerking off when I'm around."
Attractive, Diverse Peer Group Gathers For Popular Refreshments, High-Definition Sports Broadcast #~# UNITED STATES—A racially diverse group gathered in the living room of a stylish and well-appointed apartment earlier this week to enjoy various snack items, moderate amounts of low-calorie alcoholic beverages, and the company of other attractive young adults while watching a sporting event on a sleek new high-definition television.
Antiques Roadshow #~# PBS
Why Would You Prefer To Be An Animatronic Bear? #~# Back to story: Study: 96 Percent Of Humans Would Rather Be Animatronic Bear
Man Somehow Overcomes Alcoholism Without Jesus #~# CHICAGO—Despite a lack of divine intervention by the Son of God or any other higher power, area man Tom Wendt has somehow managed to overcome his alcoholism, sources confirmed Friday. "It was causing so many problems at work and with my family that I decided to stop drinking before it ruined my life," said Wendt, who credited his own willpower, a desire to better himself as a human being, and not Jesus Christ for the otherwise inexplicable recovery. "It hasn't been easy, but I took a hard look at myself and made some important lifestyle changes. I'm sober almost three months now, and I never could have done it without [wife and non-supernatural-entity] Susan." Reached for comment, Wendt's aunt Clara, who spent years praying for her nephew, remained steadfast in her insistence that Jesus most likely had something to do with it.
State Fair Season #~# Every year around this time, American states hold fairs to celebrate the agriculture and industry that make them unique. Here are some of the attractions that draw people to their state fairs:
1 In 3 Twentysomethings Have Faked Calls #~# According to a new survey from the Pew Research Center, 30 percent of cell phones users aged 18 to 29 have feigned calls in the past month to avoid certain social situations. What do you think?
Study: 96 Percent Of Humans Would Rather Be Animatronic Bear #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—The University of Virginia published the results of an extensive 18-month study Wednesday revealing that 96 percent of human beings across the planet would strongly prefer to be a singing, dancing animatronic bear.
I Didn't Know I Was #~# TLC
FCC Investigates BART Mobile Shutdown #~# The Federal Communications Commission is looking into an incident last week in which Bay Area Rapid Transit allegedly shut down mobile phone service in an effort to prevent a protest over the BART police’s second fatal shooting since 2009. What do you think?
Pawlenty Supporters Can Only Dream What It Would Have Been Like If Candidate Dropped Out 2 Months Later #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Days after their candidate’s sudden withdrawal from the presidential race, dejected supporters of Republican Tim Pawlenty said Wednesday they could now only dream of what things might have been like if the former Minnesota governor had been able to drop out a couple months later. “Just imagine if he’d actually gotten the chance to be kicked around by pundits until October before collapsing under the weight of continually falling poll numbers and all but nonexistent support from donors,” said Natalie Van Druff, a volunteer who told reporters she was struggling to accept the fact that she wouldn’t be seeing Pawlenty end his campaign after a distant fourth-place finish in New Hampshire. “We put in so much work, and now we’ll never get to watch him limp along for another few months as a total also-ran. It’s just not fair.” Van Druff added that with Pawlenty out of the race, she would reluctantly support former Utah governor Jon Huntsman, who she said had the best chance of meekly bowing out by Thanksgiving.
Report: Apocalypse Actually Happened 3 Years Ago #~# MENLO PARK, CA—Though the event went largely unremarked upon at the time, a report published Monday by the Kaiser Family Foundation has found that the apocalypse, or end of the world, occurred three years ago. "According to our data, the total collapse of all human civilization occurred on or around April 3, 2008," said foundation representative Jodie Palmenterri, citing numerous instances of environmental disaster, humanitarian catastrophe, and economic ruin as unambiguous signs that the world had ended. "Those who have worried for years that human culture was headed toward calamity can rest easy, because it already happened. We are living in a postapocalyptic world. This is it." Palmenterri went on to say that because the apocalypse does not resemble the eschatological predictions of any major religion, it's safe to assume the gods have all forsaken us.
49ers Front Office Excited For Meeting With Football Player #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Members of the 49ers front office admitted to frantically cleaning up clutter and rearranging furniture in the team’s conference room several hours before last Friday's scheduled meeting with wide receiver Derrick Mason. “Oh my God, I can’t believe an actual, real-life football player is coming here to meet us,” 49ers president Jed York told reporters before taking a deep breath, wiping sweat from his forehead, and yelling at his colleagues not to come off as too desperate. “Let’s just be cool. We’ll let him be the first person to bring up football, and then we’ll mention that we’re fans of his, real casual. Wait—should we have shoulder pads in here? Is he going to want to play football with us or just talk about football? But maybe he doesn't want to be put on the spot. You think we hung up too many pictures of him on the wall?” At press time, Mason had yet to show, and a visibly solemn York had to be comforted by team GM Trent Baalke, who assured his boss that Mason was probably just stuck in traffic somewhere.
Apocalypse #~# "According to our data, the total collapse of all human civilization occurred on or around April 3, 2008."
Nation's Students To Give American Education System Yet Another Chance #~# WASHINGTON—Despite years of putting up with underperforming teachers, overcrowded classrooms, and a gradually deteriorating educational experience, American students reluctantly announced Tuesday that they would be giving the nation's public school system yet another chance this fall.
Holder Visa #~# "The actions of the Visa crime ring amount to nothing less than mass extortion," Attorney General Holder
Eric Clapton To Release New Album Inspired By Blues Music #~# LOS ANGELES—Musician Eric Clapton announced Wednesday that his next album, Eric Clapton Plays The Blues, would be a collection of songs primarily influenced by blues music, a genre the 66-year-old guitarist said he enjoys very much. "I've always been interested in blues music, and this album will really explore that interest," Clapton told reporters, explaining that many of the new songs would feature long blues guitar solos, repeating 12-bar-blues chord structures, and lyrical themes centered around both getting and continuing to have the blues. "I'm fairly confident about the project, as I plan to sing with a sort of forlorn, bluesy quality in my voice, and I'll be playing a lot of E, A, and B chords, along with all the blue notes of the scale. Just pure and simple blues, really." Clapton later admitted that while each track would definitely be inspired by blues music, the final product might actually be more of a blues-rock album.
Pawlenty Drops Out #~# Following a poor showing in the Iowa straw poll, former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty announced Sunday he was no longer seeking to become the Republican nominee for president. What do you think?
Dustin Pedroia Asks Buddy To Watch Second Base For Couple Innings #~# BOSTON—Suddenly needing to “go take care of something,” Boston Red Sox infielder Dustin Pedroia left second base in the care of his 34-year-old buddy Dave Scholl on Sunday. “It’s pretty easy. If the ball comes to you, just throw it to the guy standing to your left. He’ll know what to do with it,” said the departing Pedroia, hastily writing his cell phone number on a piece of paper in case of an emergency. “Sometimes the runner will—nah, never mind, not gonna happen. You’ll be fine.” Upon returning to his position an hour later, Pedroia was relieved to find the Red Sox were still leading the AL East but found that his cat’s water dish had not been refilled.
Last Name & Other Last Name #~# TNT
Bert And Ernie Not Gay #~# Reacting to an online petition calling for Muppets Bert and Ernie to marry, Sesame Street released a statement on its Facebook page explaining that the duo are just friends and do not have a sexual orientation. What do you think?
2012 Seniors Thunder Into High School's Parking Lot Like Coalition Forces Entering Baghdad #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Driving up the narrow student-only entrance ramp and plowing over speed bumps as if they were sand dunes, Robert T. Everett High's Class of 2012 thundered through their school's parking lot Monday like the coalition forces storming Baghdad. "You ready to rock, Big Ace?" said 17-year-old senior Brian Grady, removing his sunglasses as he addressed an Aéropostale-shirt-wearing Curtis Jenner, who nodded his head while hanging out the sunroof of a Hyundai Tucson as if it were an armored M1151 Humvee blasting "Welcome To The Jungle" into the arid desert air. "Let's do this, Double Dutch." At press time, the 117-strong force had sprung from their vehicles and breached the school's hallways on foot, equipped with their Jansport backpacks, lunch money, and a surge of adrenaline pounding through their veins.
Nashville Sports Reporter Likes To Consider Himself 'One Of The Guys' In Titans Locker Room #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Recounting Monday's Titans practice to colleagues, Tennessean sports reporter Jim Wyatt referred to multiple players on the team as "my buddy" and on more than one occasion described himself as "one of the guys." "Oh, man, [wide receiver] Kenny [Britt] is so hilarious, you should have heard the stories he was telling me this afternoon," Wyatt said to several coworkers, referencing the eight-minute group interview Britt gave to Wyatt and 14 other members of the press. "I’m pretty sure a lot of the guys hang out at Mystic, so I'm thinking about popping by there after work. They'll flip when they see me show up. Those guys love me." When asked for their opinion of Wyatt, several members of the Titans asked if he was the pasty one in his 30s and said he "seemed fine."
Visa Exposed As Massive Credit Card Scam #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In coordinated raids Monday at locations in Delaware, South Dakota, and California, federal agents apprehended dozens of executives at Visa Inc., a sham corporation accused of perpetrating the largest credit card scam in U.S. history.
Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, That Person Is Me #~# Our country faces a moment of extreme crisis. We stand at the verge of an utter breakdown of our economy, our government, and our way of life. Democracy itself is at a crossroads, and without proper guidance, the United States of America will face grave times ahead. During this period of great tumult, someone needs to step in and fix these complex and enormous problems, and when it comes to the question of who is truly up to this task, I think we can all agree that person is—hands down and without question—me, Michele Bachmann.
Low-Budget Film Panders Just As Shamelessly As Big Studio Feature #~# NEW YORK—Moviegoers were reportedly impressed this weekend by the ability of an independent feature produced on an $80,000 budget to be just as shamelessly pandering as any blockbuster from a major studio. "Wow. Between its cloying indie soundtrack, quirky animated title sequence, and tangential subplot ending in a failed suicide attempt, I felt every bit as patronized as I did watching Transformers 3," viewer Samantha Holmes, 26, said of the latest release from IFC Films, which stars Kat Dennings and, in a few key scenes in which emotional truths are revealed, Paul Dano. "Maybe even more so, since at least Transformers 3 wasn't pretending to be something it's not." Audience members confirmed the movie ends on a bittersweet note before credits roll to the whistling of a catchy melody accompanied by ukulele.
Prove It #~# Fox
After Watching Tom Brady Highlight, Every Man, Woman, And Child In America Dreams Of Love #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Upon seeing a brief, intimate clip of quarterback Tom Brady completing a gorgeous pass at the Patriots’ training camp, the nation drifted into intense visions of love Friday night. “I’ve never felt this way before about anything,” SportsCenter viewer Ron Barragan said Saturday morning, crying softly as he recounted his previous night’s visions to his family. “It was like the entire world was dancing with Tom to one joyful song. It was beautiful. Everything is just beautiful.” When reached for comment, Brady flipped his hair, turned to America, and winked.
Seeing Eye Dog Really Blows Off Some Steam In Dog Park #~# FORT COLLINS, CO—From the moment he was let loose in a local dog park Saturday, golden retriever and licensed Seeing Eye dog Biscuit reportedly blew off some steam by jumping up to lick people's faces, urinating on smaller dogs, and chasing almost everything that moved across his field of vision. "At first he was calm as could be, just leading his owner to a bench and letting her take a seat, but as soon as that guide-harness came off, holy fuck, that dog just went goddamn ballistic," said onlooker Ray Seward, 54, adding that Biscuit was "absolutely going to town" on every dog in the park. "That thing took off like a fucking rocket and sprinted the entire perimeter of the park six times before beelining directly toward this toddler and completely flattening her without even missing a step. Inevitably, the place cleared out, and then he just sat down and barked, nonstop, until he'd tired himself out." Sources confirmed Biscuit was last seen calmly walking back to his owner, where he lay down at her feet and waited until she was ready to be led back home.
Deion Sanders #~# Deion Sanders, the epitome of the two-sport athlete, the archetypal shutdown corner, and the prototype for today's self-promoting superstars, was inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame last week. Was he any good?
With .163 Average, Adam Dunn No Longer Considered A Baseball Player #~# CHICAGO—After his batting average slumped to a historically low .163 this week, White Sox DH Adam Dunn received an official notice from Major League Baseball Thursday informing him that he no longer met the minimum requirements to be labeled an official baseball player. "He's certainly allowed to continue playing baseball, but he cannot legally refer to himself as a 'baseball player,'" an MLB spokesperson said in a statement, adding that Dunn would now be called what the league refers to as a ‘baseball participant.’ “We are confident Adam will eventually regain his abilities. For now, however, we think it's best to disassociate his horrible hitting from the great game of baseball." When asked for comment, Dunn expressed relief and claimed that joining the ranks of players like Mike Cameron and Jorge Posada would at least take some pressure off of him.
Most Memorable Hall Of Fame Speeches #~# Last weekend, Shannon Sharpe's tribute to his brother and Deion Sanders' strange humility were two reminders of the heights that sports hall of fame speeches can reach. Some great quotes from others:
Iowa Straw Poll Saturday #~# The first major indicator of Republican presidential candidates’ viability, the Iowa Straw Poll, takes place this Saturday. What do you think?
Gay Telling #~# "Finally, after years of being silent about my sexual orientation, I can get all this built-up telling out of my system," - Cpl. Kevin Lassally 
Man Who Got 6-Figure Book Deal From His Tumblr Account Has The Fucking Nerve To Appear On National Television #~# NEW YORK—Infuriating tens of thousands nationwide, 26-year-old microblogger Travis Yates reportedly had the goddamn nerve to appear on Good Morning America Friday just days after signing a $400,000 deal to adapt his popular Tumblr account into a full-length book. "That rich little punk has the fucking stones to show up on my TV and talk about how many hits his stupid blog gets? What a dick," said Colorado resident Jason Stehmeier, 34, who added that it was common decency not to show oneself in public after lucking into something like that. "That guy needs to shut up, write the damn thing, and go away already." Most of the angered viewers admitted they might consider purchasing a copy of the book so long as Yates' smug little prick face was not featured prominently on the back cover.
Obama Proposes Tax Increase On Meanest 2% Of Population #~# WASHINGTON—In the latest administration initiative meant to reassure citizens nervous about the slow pace of economic recovery, President Obama proposed a tax hike this week for the shittiest, most self-absorbed 2 percent of Americans. "In challenging times like this, I believe it is only fair that our country's hugest jerks should bear the largest share of the tax burden," Obama said of the increase that will reportedly affect those who cut people off in traffic as well as those who point and laugh when they see someone fall down. "Hopefully, this proposal will serve as a wake-up call to people who behave in ways that are totally uncool yet who never seem to pay a price for it." The increase has been widely criticized by Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) as well as an estimated 97 percent of the nation's wealthiest citizens.
Penn State Players All Worried They're Going To Be The One Who Accidentally Kills Joe Paterno #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA—Hospitalized after a receiver crashed into him on the field last Sunday, Joe Paterno’s return to practice Wednesday came as a vast relief to Penn State players, all of whom live in constant fear of being the one who inevitably kills the 84-year-old head coach.
Rick Steves' Asia #~# PBS
Scientists Say Newly Discovered Earthlike Planet Could Support Robust Economy #~# SANTA CRUZ, CA—Astronomers at the University of California, Santa Cruz, announced Friday that preliminary studies of Gliese 581g, a habitable planet orbiting a red dwarf star 20 light-years away, indicate its conditions are perfect to support a booming economy. "With the possibility of a nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere, the likelihood of water sources, and no indication of local zoning laws or taxes, conditions on Gliese 581g are almost textbook≠perfect for the industrial sector," said Professor Steven S. Vogt, the planet's discoverer, adding that he would not be surprised to find the planet was well-suited to host basic forms of employment. "With its unmatched areas for growth, especially in the real estate and manufacturing fields, I would advise immediate investment." Vogt said that because the planet's gravity was conducive to human beings walking on its surface, he saw no reason why people from Earth wouldn't one day be able to invest in risky speculative bubbles on Gliese 581g that would drive the planet into complete economic free fall.
Magazine Sales Continue Downward Trend #~# Newsstand sales of magazines decreased 9.2 percent in the first half of 2011. What do you think?
Straight, Gay Service Members Looking Forward To Asking, Telling Come September #~# WASHINGTON—With Don't Ask, Don't Tell, the policy on gay men and women serving in the military, set to expire Sept. 20, tens of thousands of U.S. service members are reportedly busy gearing up for marathon sessions of asking and telling. "Finally, after years of being silent about my sexual orientation, I can get all this built-up telling out of my system," Cpl. Kevin Lassally said Thursday, telling reporters he had already made an exhaustive mental inventory of all the people he was going to ask. "I think I'll probably send out a bulk e-mail to get my telling over with all at once. That way, I can free up most of my time for asking. Man, this is gonna be great. I'm totally asking the colonel." Pentagon officials said they have canceled two planned invasions in anticipation of the military slowdown expected to occur while troops are getting all their asking and telling out of the way.
Whiny, Selfish 8-Year-Old Always Wants His Parents To Stop Yelling At Each Other #~# ST. PAUL, MN—In a shockingly selfish pattern of behavior that has occurred repeatedly over the past six months, local 8-year-old and whiny brat Sean Cooper has continued his habit of interrupting his parents with his pleas for them to stop screaming at each other, sources reported Thursday.
McConnell #~# "There is no greater joy in my life than making Obama hate his," - Sen. Mitch McConnell
Are Sack Lunches Unsafe? #~# A study published in the journal Pediatrics showed that most meats and vegetables parents packed in their children’s lunches were not kept in a safe temperature range once at school. What do you think?
Pardon Me, Madame, Do You Have A Moment For Fancy Man Rights? #~# Excuse me, my dear lady, could you perhaps spare but a moment of your precious time for Fancy Man Rights? Your support would mean the world to fancy men everywhere, myself very much included.
Consumers Now Required To Seek Treasury Department Approval On All Purchases Over $50 #~# WASHINGTON—Disappointed with the way the nation has been managing its money, the Treasury Department announced Wednesday it had begun requiring citizens to seek government approval on all purchases over $50. "It's not that we don't trust people, but right now we're not seeing a lot of evidence suggesting they're capable of making these decisions on their own," Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said of the law requiring consumers to fill out a form at the point-of-sale listing the desired item, the total estimated cost, and the reason why they need it and why they need it now. "If, for example, you are a 32-year-old woman deep in credit card debt, we are going to need a compelling reason as to why you need a vintage rotary phone from Anthropologie." At press time, the department had denied Cleveland resident Jim Barnes' purchase of a Buffalo Springfield box set that he already had on cassette.
Ryan Braun Not About To Look Like An Idiot By Attempting Diving Catch In Outfield #~# ST. LOUIS—Saying he wasn’t about to make an idiot out of himself on national television by splaying across the field like some kind of asshole, Milwaukee Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun opted to play a fly ball on a hop Tuesday night instead of “looking stupid” by trying to make a diving catch. “First off, it would have made me look desperate, which is humiliating enough,” Braun said during a postgame press conference, adding that in addition to the embarrassment of potentially missing the fly ball, he would have then had to stand around in front of tens of thousands of people with grass stains on his uniform. “If it’s between saving a run or saving my dignity, I’m going to go with dignity every time.” Braun did however admit it would have been impossible to look dumber than Prince Fielder, who at the time was sitting on first base eating mozzarella sticks out of his pocket.
College Student Still Managing To Look Like Asshole In Picture Of Village He Helped Build #~# PRINCETON, NJ—Even while posing for a picture alongside impoverished people he helped provide humanitarian aid to, college junior Dave Morris—with that smug, know-it-all look on his face and that shit-eating grin you just want to smack off his mouth—still looks like a complete and total asshole, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You’d think David wouldn’t look like such a self-centered prick when he’s standing in a village where he helped install modernized plumbing and build a new school, but check out those Ray-Bans hanging around his neck and that water bottle he’s dangling from his index finger,” said classmate Ryan Brandt, adding that the photo confirms Morris even continued to gel his hair into that dipshit spike of his during the trip. “Just look at him: He’s got his polo shirt sort of half tucked in to his khaki jungle shorts, you know he probably thought he looked really cool and rugged in that stupid headband, and he’s giving the thumbs-up, like, ‘Hey, everybody, look at me—I’m the world’s biggest fuckwad.’” Fellow student Shelly Carson said that she’ll probably want to puke when Morris returns to school and talks about how the experience changed his life.
New GOP Strategy Involves Reelecting Obama, Making His Life Even More Miserable #~# WASHINGTON—Calling a GOP victory in the 2012 presidential election antithetical to the party platform, top Republicans revealed a new long-term political strategy Tuesday: reelecting Barack Obama and making his life even more of a living hell than it already is.
Civil War Hospital #~# NBC
Laffy Taffy Sponsors Every Cobblestone At 9/11 Memorial #~# NEW YORK—The makers of Laffy Taffy, a chewy fruit-flavored candy known for the lighthearted jokes printed on each wrapper, announced Tuesday they would pay tribute to the victims of 9/11 by sponsoring every single cobblestone at the World Trade Center memorial. "No one can ever forget the events of that tragic day, and Laffy Taffy is proud to honor the families of our fallen heroes," a company spokesperson said at a press conference held near Ground Zero in Lower Manhattan. "When we chisel the words 'Laffy Taffy' into each eternal stone on this sacred ground, we will show the citizens of our great, enduring nation that despite any calamity, they can always count on Laffy Taffy." Company sources also confirmed that victims of the famine in Somalia had received more than 10,000 pounds of Laffy Taffy.
Solar Activity Has Electric Companies On Alert #~# Three large explosions on the surface of the sun may affect satellite technology, communication systems, and the power grid. What do you think?
Area Loser Blissfully Unaffected By Whims Of Stock Market #~# BOULDER, CO—According to economic experts, local man and complete reject Dale Everett, 37, remains 100 percent unaffected by the dramatic ups and downs of the American stock market. "No matter what sort of calamity befalls Wall Street, this total failure of a man remains exactly, and happily, the same as he was before," said market analyst Ben Tanaka, who since 2008 has developed high-blood pressure and a stomach ulcer from worrying about the financial crisis. "As long as he has money for rent, cable, and food, which he usually does, he is fine. I have to say, I kind of envy the loser." Tanaka added that unless there was suddenly a 550 percent nationwide spike in the price of beer, Everett's condition would likely continue on without change.
New Receiver Michael Jenkins Unable To Finish Reading Vikings' Tedious Playbook #~# MANKATO, MN—Newly acquired Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Michael Jenkins told reporters Tuesday he was struggling to finish reading his new playbook, calling it tedious, unoriginal, and oftentimes "all over the place." "I've read a lot of playbooks, and I'm always paying closest attention to the receivers, and some of the things I'm seeing in here I don't think a wideout would actually do," said Jenkins, adding that in some places the playbook is completely contrived and boring, and that on several occasions he’s fallen asleep after reading just four or five pages. "Now the Falcons’ playbook, that was great. I couldn't put it down. I breezed through that baby in two nights and honestly found myself wanting to go back and read parts of it again." As of press time, Jenkins was attempting to watch Vikings game film but reportedly walked out of the projection room after just 10 minutes.
Onion News Network Is The Loudest Voice In News (Season 1: Ep 5 on IFC) #~# The Onion News Network is now 20 percent louder than any other network on television.
SSI: Boca Raton #~# Lifetime
Groups Oppose Perry's Prayer Meeting #~# Several groups, including the Texas ACLU, have voiced their opposition to Texas governor Rick Perry's participation in a day of Christian prayer and fasting this past weekend, saying it violates the separation of church and state. What do you think?
Bristol Palin Interview Accidentally Reveals Mother's 15 Abortions #~# WASILLA, AK—Sarah Palin's political team was forced to do emergency damage control Monday after the former Alaska governor's daughter Bristol accidentally divulged on live television that her mother has undergone at least 15 abortions over the past 30 years. "She's always telling me how special I am, especially considering the five or six babies she aborted before I was born," Palin, 20, said during a CNN interview in which she was asked if she thought her mother would make a good president. "Then of course there were the twins she aborted shortly after having me, another four abortions after Willow somehow survived hers—but anyway, she's a wonderful mom. She just gets pregnant a lot and doesn't always want to have the baby." Palin also commended her mother's strength in carrying three babies with Down syndrome to term, and then even choosing not to give Trig up for adoption like the others.
Broncos Center Apologizes To Team After Accidentally Snapping Ball To Brady Quinn #~# DENVER—Broncos center J.D. Walton called a team meeting Monday to apologize to players and coaches for inadvertently snapping the ball to third-string quarterback Brady Quinn, promising to never make the same stupid mistake again. “I’m so sorry. What I did was absolutely wrong and never should have happened,” said Walton, begging the Broncos for forgiveness while nervously surveying the angry faces in the crowd. “I feel terrible and I know I let this entire organization down. Coach Fox has said from day one to never hike the ball to Brady Quinn, but I screwed up big time. I know it isn’t likely, but I hope I can eventually win back your trust and respect.” Broncos head coach John Fox was reportedly furious about the incident and reassured the team’s front office that a “fuckup” of such proportions would never happen in a game situation.
Scientists Trace Heat Wave To Massive Star At Center Of Solar System #~# PASADENA, CA—Groundbreaking new findings announced Monday suggest the record-setting heat wave plaguing much of the United States may be due to radiation emitted from an enormous star located in the center of the solar system.
Study: Whites To Be Minority In Donaldson Family By 2027 #~# AVONDALE, AZ—According to new projections released Monday, the white members of the Donaldson family are expected to find themselves in the minority by 2027. "Thanks to continued illegal immigration and increasing birth rates, the number of nonwhite ethnicities within the Donaldsons is expected to reach 18 percent by 2021," confirmed demographer Dr. James Lanier, who reached his projected figure soon after Juan proposed to Marcy in late March. "Once Grandma June finally passes, and Rich and Kim fly abroad to finalize their adoption, that number will spike even higher." Researchers also estimated the fastest growing population group among the Donaldsons would be Asians, due primarily to Kevin's dating habits.
Pirates Acquire Lee, Ludwick To Bolster 2nd-Half Collapse #~# PITTSBURGH—In order to deepen some holes in their lineup and increase their chances of a second-half collapse, the Pittsburgh Pirates acquired first baseman Derrek Lee and outfielder Ryan Ludwick Sunday. “They’re both experienced losers who we’re hoping will come in here and help us surge right to the bottom of the NL Central,” Pirates general manager Neal Huntington said in a statement, adding that after six consecutive losses, the team is now poised to make a last-place run.  “Not only do we think they’ll take our offense and defense to a whole new level of horrible, but overall, I think this will prove to Pirate fans that this team is committed to losing for years to come.” Huntington reportedly urged young players not to rely on their new stars, emphasizing that a successful nosedive would require everyone to play like shit.
Man Just Walked Into Best Buy For No Reason Whatsoever #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Despite having no reason for entering the store, 39-year-old Pat Arneson reportedly stopped into a local Best Buy Tuesday, browsed through the various sections, and then left 15 minutes later. "I don't know why, but I just sort of felt compelled to go in there," said Arneson, confirming that while inside he watched a child play a video game, avoided eye contact with sales representatives, and picked up some security-tethered cell phones from their cradles before letting them zip back into place. "I didn't really need anything. Didn't really want anything, either." After standing in front of a display of USB drives for five minutes, Arneson left the Best Buy and was last seen driving to the Barnes and Noble across the street, where, sources said, he was going to flip through some magazines.
Tom And Julie's Reasons For Entering Couples Therapy Explained To Silent Dinner Guests #~# CARMEL, CA—Approximately 45 minutes into a dinner party at their beachfront home Friday, Tom and Julie Raskin's six guests listened on in total silence as their hosts launched into an extended explanation of why they had decided to enter couples therapy.
Randy Moss #~# Flamboyant, outspoken receiver Randy Moss has retired after 13 NFL seasons, some brilliant, some bad, none boring. Was he any good?
Visa Calls Indians To Confirm They Actually Did Intend To Take On More Salary #~# CLEVELAND—According to Indians team sources, an investigator within the fraud department of Visa phoned Cleveland owner Larry Dolan Thursday to discuss unusual activity on the team’s credit card—a $2.8 million purchase of Rockies pitcher Ubaldo Jimenez. “I immediately flagged the account and asked Mr. Dolan if he recently bought anything in Colorado,” said the investigator, adding that the irregularity caught the attention of his department because, according to Visa’s records, Dolan rarely spends any money around this time of year. “He usually just deposits several million dollars at the beginning of every August. But to be honest, it was spending that kind of money on a guy who is 6-9 with a 4.46 ERA that made us think the card had been stolen.” Visa also contacted Cubs owner Joseph Ricketts, not in regard to any recent account activity, but just to yell at him for fucking up another season.
Blogging Teacher To Return To Work #~# After a brief suspension, a Pennsylvania teacher will be returning to work at the same high school whose students, faculty, and administrators she criticized in blog posts. What do you think?
Most Notable Recent Player Transactions #~# With the shortened NFL free-agency period overlapping baseball's trade deadline, there has been a lot of player movement recently. Here are the most notable new deals:
Dept. Of Labor Reports It Could Be Nothing, But They May Have Spotted Job In Iowa Strip Mall #~# WASHINGTON—Urging the 14 million Americans without jobs not to get their hopes up, officials from the Department of Labor cautiously announced Tuesday that they had heard about a possible employment opportunity at the Lindale Mall in Cedar Rapids, IA. “Now, this could be something, or it could be absolutely nothing, but we think they’re looking for someone to restock the jewelry kiosk Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings, with the chance to add Sunday mornings further down the line,” said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, explaining that the person who currently holds the part-time position had been overheard asking about her employer’s maternity leave policies. “People rushing to update their resumés should understand that we’ve been informed of similar openings in the past only to find out later that a coworker has stepped up to take the extra hours—so please be advised this may be a false alarm.” Solis added that the only fact she could confirm for certain regarding the job was that it did not include health insurance.
Cris Carter Enters Football Hall Of Fame As Paying Customer #~# CANTON, OH—In his fourth year of eligibility, eight-time Pro Bowler Cris Carter, who scored 130 receiving touchdowns on 1,101 receptions over the course of his career, finally entered the Hall of Fame on Thursday by paying $21 for a ticket.
'Oldest Bird' Not Actually Bird #~# The discovery of a new fossil suggests the archaeopteryx may have been more of a bird-like dinosaur than a dinosaur-like bird. Here are some other examples of commonly held beliefs refuted by recent archaeological finds:
Obama compromise #~# "I'm truly grateful that both Democrats and their Democratic counterparts were able to reach this consensus," President Obama
Dunkin' Donuts Employee Busted For Prostitution #~# Following a six-week investigation, a New Jersey Dunkin’ Donuts cashier was arrested for propositioning customers for sex. What do you think?
Obama Turns 50 Despite Republican Opposition #~# WASHINGTON—After months of heated negotiations and failed attempts to achieve any kind of consensus, President Obama turned 50 years old Thursday, drawing strong criticism from Republicans in Congress. "With the host of problems this country is currently facing, the fact that our president is devoting time to the human process of aging is an affront to Americans everywhere," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who advocated a provision to keep Obama 49 at least through the fall of 2013. "To move forward unilaterally and simply begin the next year of his life without bipartisan support—is that any way to lead a country?" According to White House officials, Obama attempted to work with Republicans right up until the Aug. 4 deadline, but was ultimately left with no choice except to turn a year older.
Kid Massive #~# Just Absolutely Massive
States Slashing Arts Budgets #~# Facing fiscal crisis, a number of states—including Texas, Wisconsin, and Kansas—are cutting their arts budgets or eliminating them altogether. What do you think?
Obama: Debt Ceiling Deal Required Tough Concessions By Both Democrats And Democrats Alike #~# WASHINGTON—A day after signing legislation that raised the government debt ceiling and authorized steep budget cuts, President Obama thanked Democrats as well as Democrats for their willingness to make tough, but necessary, concessions during negotiations. "I'm truly grateful that both Democrats and their Democratic counterparts were able to reach this consensus, accepting an agreement that is far from perfect not just for Democrats, but also for Democrats," Obama said Wednesday of the deal that cut federal spending $2.1 trillion over 10 years but included no revenue increases of any kind. "Lawmakers from across the political spectrum—from moderate Democrats to the more liberal members of the party to dyed-in-the-wool progressives—reached within the aisle and showed the nation that compromise requires real sacrifice from everyone." Obama added that while it may look ugly at times, politics is about Democrats giving up what they want, as well as Democrats giving up what they want, until an agreement can ultimately be reached.
Danny DeVito A Lot Taller, Thinner In Person #~# LOS ANGELES—After a chance spotting of Danny DeVito at Los Angeles International Airport on Friday, vacationer Ted Appleby was surprised to find the actor to be a lot taller and thinner in person than he appears on screen. "Based on the characters he plays, you're expecting something completely different, but I'm six-one, and he was almost at eye level, with a solid frame of lean muscle," said Appleby, surmising that trick camera angles must have been used to make DeVito look like Arnold Schwarzenegger's shorter brother in the 1988 film Twins. "And his face had these really sculpted, almost classical features. The camera really doesn't do him justice." Appleby added that he couldn't believe the flaxen-haired Nordic woman standing next to DeVito in the terminal was the actor's longtime wife, Rhea Perlman.
Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is #~# SEWARD, NE—Claiming he wasn't afraid to let everyone in attendance know about "the real mess we're in," Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke reportedly got drunk Tuesday and told everyone at Elwood's Corner Tavern about how absolutely fucked the U.S. economy actually is.
Doctors Concerned As Joe Blanton’s Goatee Flares Up Again #~# PHILADELPHIA—Team doctors expressed their concern about the future of Phillies pitcher Joe Blanton Tuesday after the goatee that has plagued him nearly his entire career once again flared up. "We've never seen it this bad," said team physician Steve Cohen, holding up a photo of the inflamed growth, which has reportedly swollen to twice its size since Blanton’s last checkup. "We've tried to warn Joe about this in the past, but now our fears about it spreading are being realized. At this point, we feel the only remaining solution is to cut it off entirely." As of press time, Blanton had just issued a statement saying he would seek a second opinion from a specialist.
Apple Has More Cash Than U.S. Treasury #~# According to the most recent available financial statements, Apple Inc. has more cash on hand—over $76 billion—than the U.S. Treasury. What do you think?
I Wish Someone At This Wedding Would Dance With That Girl In A Wheelchair Already #~# Just look at her. She's been sitting all by herself at the edge of the dance floor for five songs now, but no one seems to care. She must be so lonely, the poor thing, so left out. I really wish someone at this wedding would ask that girl in a wheelchair to dance, because this is killing me. Please. Somebody, anybody.
Soccer Player In Blue Shirt Happy #~# SOUTH AMERICA?—Following what must have been a successful on-field achievement Sunday, a professional, semi-professional, or possibly amateur male soccer player wearing a sky-blue shirt appeared happy, sources confirmed. According to reports, fans in attendance adorned with similarly blue-colored clothing, flags, and face paint were also happy, while players wearing red shirts hung their heads because they were sad. Along the sidelines, a group of people in yellow shirts remained neither happy nor sad but mostly seemed indifferent, and as of press time, no players on the field were wearing pink or purple shirts.
FDA: Everyone Needs To Induce Vomiting Right Now #~# WASHINGTON—In a hastily called press conference broadcast live on all major television networks this morning, Food and Drug Administration commissioner Margaret A. Hamburg implored every citizen of the United States to induce vomiting immediately. "Please, everybody, there's no time to explain. Just gag yourselves, drink ipecac, do whatever is necessary to puke everything out right now—all of it," Hamburg said moments before jamming her index and middle fingers deep into her throat and violently disgorging the contents of her stomach all over the lectern. "Do it now! Now, now, now!" As of press time, the FDA released a statement saying that everyone should have vomited by now and informing those who hadn't that it was "too late."
Democrats, Republicans Celebrate Pitiful Excuse For Common Ground #~# WASHINGTON—Following Sunday’s pathetic excuse for an agreement on raising the government’s borrowing limit, Democrats and Republicans took time to celebrate the meager, ineffective deal, calling it “a testament to the not-so-great things that can happen in Washington when both parties barely come together and agree to not really accomplish anything.” “It took months of phone calls, negotiations, and meetings, but finally we created a pretty sad version of a framework that, we’re happy to say, none of us is really proud of, and that doesn’t really do much to solve our country’s fiscal problems at all,” said House Speaker John Boehner, who gave a cheerful thumbs up and added that the sorry piece of legislation was expected to pass both houses of Congress with a really pitiful display of bipartisan support. “Once again, Democrats and Republicans have demonstrated why our mangled, fractured, barely functioning democracy is the greatest in the world.” At press time, members of both parties were trying to explain to their supporters how the budget agreement could in any possible way be construed as a victory for them.
Woman Fined For Truck Nutz #~# Facing a $445 fine, a South Carolina woman will go to trial to let a jury determine whether the fake oversized testicles hanging off the back of her truck are obscene. What do you think?
X Games Perused To See If That Kid With The Skateboard From High School Is In It #~# TUALATIN, OR—Twenty-seven-year-old local resident Tom Portwood reportedly watched the X Games for nearly a half-hour Saturday, curious to see if that kid who skateboarded in high school was now participating in any of the events. “I think his name was Jake Baggenstoff, and I remember he was pretty good even when we were freshmen,” Portwood told reporters, recalling that Baggenstoff had been featured in a couple skating videos for sale at Zumiez and definitely had a sponsor at some point. “I saw him in a picture with Tony Hawk once. I’m not sure if they were skating against each other or Jake was just a fan, but who knows?” Although Portwood did not see Baggenstoff, he was fairly certain the guy who won third place in BMX Freestyle Big Air was the kid from one town over who always wrapped his bicycle in electrical tape.
Windows Opened On Both Coasts In Effort To Create Transcontinental Cross-Breeze #~# WASHINGTON—In a move to combat record-high temperatures and facilitate some much-needed cross-country ventilation, the Department of Housing and Urban Development announced Friday it had ordered the opening of two windows, one in San Francisco, CA and another in Virginia Beach, VA. “As we speak, a cool cross-breeze is sweeping eastward to bring relief throughout our stuffy 3.79 million square miles of interior,” said HUD Secretary Shaun Donovan, adding that those with air-conditioning should turn it off now to avoid wasting electricity. “While we’ve heard reports of more flies coming into the central states at night, we feel that’s a price worth paying to prevent people from having to sleep on top of the sheets.” As of press time, the transcontinental breeze had decreased considerably after the window in San Francisco was shut to keep out street noise.
Congress Passes First Law In U.S. History That Doesn't Somehow Kill Tens Of Thousands Of Ducks #~# WASHINGTON—The United States Congress passed a law late Wednesday that for the first time in its 222-year history did not result in the sudden and unexpected deaths of thousands of ducks.
Scientists Augment Brain With Computer #~# Scientists at Tel Aviv University have implanted an artificial cerebellum in rats that can restore functioning to those with damaged brains. What do you think?
Vick To Miss 4 Weeks With Hand Concussion #~# PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the persistent feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and nausea in Michael Vick's non-throwing hand indicate the appendage is concussed, Eagles team physicians announced the quarterback will miss the next four weeks of football. "Until tests show Mr. Vick’s right hand is reacting normally to stimuli, we cannot allow him to play or practice," a statement from the team read in part. "As of today, it has not responded correctly to our questions and seems sluggish and unfocused." Vick criticized the decision, saying that although his hand has no memory of the hit in which it was injured, it only has a mild headache.
Great Players' Worst Games #~# Even the great ones have off days, as Tom Brady found out against the Bills. Onion Sports lists the worst games of the very best.
Report: Diamondbacks Are Definitely In The Playoffs #~# PHOENIX—According to a new report released by the Elias Sports Bureau on Friday, the Arizona Diamondbacks are without a doubt in the 2011 MLB playoffs. “Though it seems strange at first, we’ve found that if you examine the regular season standings, the Diamondbacks were better than every other team in their division,” the report read in part, adding that the lowercase “y” next to their name is also a surefire indicator that the Diamondbacks have moved on to the postseason. “Mathematically, they earned the right to compete in the National League Division Series. Also, the fact that they are scheduled to play in a playoff game solidifies the notion that they are indeed in the playoffs.” Despite the overwhelming evidence, however, the report goes on to explain that the Diamondbacks being in the playoffs is “unbelievable” and “fucking ridiculous.”
Bill Belichick Forgets About Loss By Relaxing In Bathtub Filled With Warm Entrails #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to relieve the stress of the Patriots’ disappointing 31-34 loss to the Buffalo Bills, New England head coach Bill Belichick reportedly relaxed at home Sunday night by soaking in a bathtub filled with warm entrails.
A Mean Guy, A Gay Guy, And A Girl #~# Bravo
Insurance Costs Outstrip Wage Increases #~# The cost of health insurance premiums in the United States rose 9 percent this year, nearly three times the rate of increase seen in 2010. What do you think?
Hostage Negotiation Talks Stall In Congress #~# WASHINGTON— A congressional spokesperson informed the FBI that talks have stalled on the Senate floor and lawmakers will need more time to debate the proposed deal to release the group of schoolchildren they took hostage earlier today. "Obviously, the most important thing here is to reach a deal that works for both sides," read a statement from Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell on the disputed $12 trillion agreement that would free the young children currently being held at gunpoint by the country’s legislative branch. "But many important questions still remain: How will the ransom money be allocated? How can we cut needless expenditures such as individual ski masks for every congressman? Should there be a stipulation to take one of the children with us to ensure a clean getaway? Unfortunately, it may be quite some time before we can reach an adequate consensus on these and other issues." At press time, FBI officials said Congress had moved to extend the money drop-off deadline until early December.
Asteroid To Destroy Earth #~# Onion News Network To Broadcast Planet's Final Moments
R.E.M. Breaks Up #~# After 31 years together, the Athens, GA–based band R.E.M. has announced it is breaking up. Here are some highlights of the group's career:
Panicked ER Doctor Calls 911 #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—In the midst of performing an emergency appendectomy Thursday, panicked ER doctor Caleb Morrison dropped his surgical instruments mid-operation and dialed 911. "You've got to get over here! There's a guy lying on a table with a hole in his stomach," a frantic Morrison can be heard saying in a recording of the emergency phone call, shortly before giving his location as operating room 3 at St. Andrew's Hospital. "Please hurry! He's losing a lot of type O positive blood and his vital signs are increasingly unstable." When the 911 operator's attempts to guide the doctor through the necessary triage procedures proved unsuccessful, the deceased patient was taken to the morgue, where the forensic pathologist on duty fainted at the sight of a dead body.
Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage #~# 'We Need $12 Trillion Or All These Kids Die'
Just Desserts #~# Bravo
Doritos Creator Dies #~# Arch West, the Frito-Lay marketing executive credited with inventing the Dorito snack chip, died at 97. What do you think?
Expiration Of Contract Allows Fergie To Put On Pair Of Pants For First Time In 5 Years #~# BRENTWOOD, CA—Black Eyed Peas vocalist Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson told reporters Wednesday her contract with the group has expired, legally allowing her to wear pants for the first time since 2006. "Ahhhh," said Fergie, pulling on a pair of tan slacks. "Pants." The singing sensation added that while her agreement is being renegotiated, she will enjoy not having to contact Will.i.am every four hours, not referring to her breasts as her "lady lumps," and remaining silent on the highly drivable qualities of the new Honda Civic.
Syracuse Leaves Big East For Woman Named 'Misti' #~# SYRACUSE, NY—In a hastily delivered statement from the passenger side of the young woman’s lime-green Hyundai Tiburon, Syracuse University announced Sunday it was leaving the Big East, the conference it helped create more than 30 years ago, for a 23-year-old exotic dancer and vodka brand ambassador named “Misti.” “We’ve had a nice run with the Big East, but we think Misti has more to offer us,” said Syracuse athletic director Daryl Gross, crediting the woman for bringing a “renewed sense of purpose” to the 141-year-old research institution. “We have had some good times—great times, actually, really great—with the Big East, and we hope we can continue to maintain a friendly relationship, but we think it’s time for us to pursue other options.” Gross quickly added that the young woman is “really smart” and wants to go to school to become a dental hygienist, which is perfect, because they are a school.
Historians Politely Remind Nation To Check What's Happened In Past Before Making Any Big Decisions #~# WASHINGTON—With the United States facing a daunting array of problems at home and abroad, leading historians courteously reminded the nation Thursday that when making tough choices, it never hurts to stop a moment, take a look at similar situations from the past, and then think about whether the decisions people made back then were good or bad.
Sarah High #~# ABC Family
Putin Moves To Return To Presidency #~# Former president and current prime minister Vladimir Putin of Russia announced at a meeting of his party that he would run for president again in 2012. What do you think?
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit #~# NBC
Ask The Concept Of Phenomenology In Architecture As Developed By The Norwegian Theorist Christian Norberg-Schulz #~# Dear Concept Of Phenomenology In Architecture As Developed By The Norwegian Theorist Christian Norberg-Schulz,
Twins Continue Clawing Their Way Down To Bottom Of Standings #~# MINNEAPOLIS—The scrappy Minnesota Twins continued to claw and fight their way down to the bottom of the standings last Wednesday, stringing together the league’s longest losing streak with their 11th-straight defeat. “This team has a lot of resolve, and we will battle tooth and nail for last place until the season is over,” said right fielder Jason Kubel, who has helped to lead the team with crucial defensive lapses and ineffectiveness at the plate. “We’ve got a lot of spunk. I don’t care who we are playing. We’ll do whatever it takes and find some way to lose.” Twins manager Ron Gardenhire said the team was slumping at the right time and might end up with the worst record in the majors if they continued to play their brand of shit ball.
Pediatricians Announce 2011 Newborns Are Ugliest Babies In 30 Years #~# ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—According to a statement released Tuesday by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the babies born in 2011 have thus far been the ugliest on record since 1981. "Although all newborns look a little freaky to some extent, this year's batch is, regrettably, particularly grotesque," AAP president Dr. Marion Burton said. "They have the stubbiest ears, the creepiest little toes—really, I can't do their repulsiveness justice in words. I'm just glad I'm not a parent who has to bring one of these mutts home. Jesus Christ." Burton said this revolting lot stood in stark contrast to the 2006 newborns, which were the sexiest he'd ever seen.
Gamers Succeed Where Scientists Couldn't #~# After trying for more than a decade to create a computer model for a protein key to the reproduction of HIV, scientists turned to online gamers, who completed the task in three weeks. What do you think?
California To Allow Prisoners To Serve Sentences Online #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Faced with a mandate to cut the state's prison population by 30,000, the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation announced Monday it would begin allowing prisoners to serve their sentences online. "Inmates are required to log in promptly every morning at 6 a.m.," CDCR secretary Matthew Cate said. "But make no mistake, this is not some online holiday resort prison. Offenders spend at least eight hours a day entering data and can only see visitors in the chat room once a week. The real advantage of the Internet penitentiary is that it streamlines the entire corrections process, allowing a standard five-year sentence to be completed electronically in as little as three weeks." Cate added that while there was still a problem with prison rape, inmates could report an assault or any other issue by clicking on the "Ask the Warden" button.
Al Michaels Asks Cris Collinsworth If They Can Talk About Something Other Than Football #~# INDIANAPOLIS—NBC play-by-play announcer Al Michaels interrupted the broadcast of the Steelers-Colts game Sunday to ask color commentator Cris Collinsworth if they could talk about something other than football for once. “Cris, can’t we just change the subject for once and have a real discussion about something that matters?” said Michaels, adding that he was sick of dull topics such as dominant NFL teams or how the Steelers should use Rashard Mendenhall in short-yardage situations. “I want to talk like normal men. How’s your wife? What’s your favorite piece of literature? Let’s discuss remodeling projects, childhood memories, or the best weekend trips.” After a short deliberation, Michaels and Collinsworth finally agreed to drop the subject of football and instead talk about the Kansas City Chiefs.
Biden Roof #~# "So, you ready to see this sweet-ass roof or what?" - Vice-President Biden
Biden Asks White House Visitor If He Wants To Check Out Roof #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming it was "pretty fucking cool up there" and not to be missed, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly asked Estonian ambassador Väino Reinart on several occasions Sunday if he wanted to check out the White House roof.
Otherwise Savvy Woman Duped By Mascara Makers Again #~# DALLAS—Otherwise intelligent consumer Nancy Overton was once again deceived by the cosmetics industry Tuesday when she shelled out $20 for eye makeup that promised to give her lush, long, waterproof lashes. “Goddamn it!” a mascara-streaked Overton said as she threw another 0.8-ounce tube of Maybelline into the garbage. “I’m not an idiot. I have a law degree, for Christ’s sake. I know good and well it’s physically impossible for makeup to lengthen eyelashes, but every fucking time I see a commercial for a new mascara, I fall for it.” At press time, Overton was digging through the trash for the product’s directions to see if she was supposed to have shaken it first or perhaps let it dry between each coat.
Floyd Mayweather #~# Mayweather is taking a lot of heat for his strange legal-but-uncool victory over Victor Ortiz last week. Is he any good?
Amish Teen Spends Entire Rumspringa At Apple Store #~# PITTSBURGH—Since discovering the electronics retailer by chance at the beginning of his ritual period of experimentation outside the strict regimen of the Amish life, 16-year-old Isaac Stoltzfus has spent every day of his rumspringa at a local Apple Store, sources reported Monday. “This place is amazing! Everyone here is super-friendly, and they let me try out all these neat computers and phones and stuff without pressuring me to buy anything,” said Stotzfus, who reportedly can be seen at the store’s entrance at sunrise each morning, waiting for the doors to open. “I love the interactive displays and presentations, of course, but probably my favorite thing to do here is just stand back and take in the atmosphere of the whole place. I had no idea the modern world was so shiny.” Stolzfus added that he typically spends his entire day in the Apple Store, leaving only briefly to “head around the corner for a Jamba Juice.”
Cam Newton Proving He Can Throw Football A Lot #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—With 83 total throwing attempts in the first two games of the season, Panthers rookie quarterback Cam Newton has proven to critics that he can not only throw a football, but can throw it a lot. “A big question mark in the offseason was whether Newton had the arm strength and endurance to throw the ball over and over and over again,” said NFL analyst Jay Glazer, admitting he was wrong to have doubted Newton, who now holds the record for most pass attempts by a rookie in the first two games of a season. “He’s showing a lot of poise out there—a week after throwing the ball 37 times, he went out there and threw the ball 46 times. People are already saying he might be one of the most copious throwers this game has ever seen.” Experts agree that what makes Newton a true threat is the combination of his ability to throw a lot plus his ability to move his feet a lot in whatever direction he wants.
God: Human Body Not Designed To Play Football #~# THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH—The Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, made a statement Thursday in which He condemned the practice of human beings playing football, proclaiming He had never intended the body to suffer such punishment.
Indianapolis Announces Really Embarrassing Bid For 2020 Summer Olympics #~# INDIANAPOLIS—At a press event held Wednesday in the main conference room of the downtown Hyatt Regency, Indianapolis mayor Greg Ballard publicly announced his city’s thoroughly embarrassing bid to host the 2020 Summer Olympics.
General Mills Releases New Lucky Charms With 15 Percent Less Leprechaun Meat #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Saying that Lucky Charms is “as magically delicious as ever but now lower in magically saturated fats,” General Mills announced Friday it would begin making the cereal with 15 percent less leprechaun meat. “Lucky Charms will still have the same great taste and marshmallowy goodness, but now only the tastiest, leanest parts of the leprechaun will be used,” a press release read in part, noting that the Lucky Charms recipe had not changed since 1964, when leprechaun meat was first added as an emulsifier. “As always, we use only natural colorings and flavorings in our cereals, which is why you may still sometimes find a wee hat in your bowl.” The announcement comes only weeks after General Mills discontinued the use of ground rhinoceros in Wheaties.
Buffalo Bills Don't Know What The Hell To Do With 2 Wins #~# BUFFALO, NY—Following their thrilling 38-35 week-two victory over the Oakland Raiders Sunday, the Buffalo Bills expressed confusion over what the hell they were supposed to do with their two wins now that they have them. "I hope we get to keep these, because a lot of the guys really like these wins," said quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, helping teammates build a special shelf in the corner of the locker room where the team intends to keep the wins. "I bet you if we lose this week the league will try to take them away from us, but we're not going to let ’em. We love these wins." As of press time, several players had asked head coach Chan Gailey whether the NFL had a rewards program in which wins could be cashed in for flight upgrades or similar prizes.
Being A Better Neighbor #~# In the suburban environment, tensions can build over something as simple as an unraked lawn. Here are some ways you can keep the peace with your neighbors:
Iran Frees American Hikers #~# Two American hikers who were captured and accused of spying when they strayed across the border into Iran have been freed after 26 months. What do you think?
House Haunters #~# HGTV
Doc Martin #~# PBS
Bill Gates Spends $56 Million On Amazon In One Night #~# SEATTLE—With his wife away on a research trip for the Gates Foundation, Microsoft founder Bill Gates spent $56 million on Amazon in a single marathon session late Wednesday night. “The kids were in bed, and I was thinking about how it had been a long time since I’d heard any Yes, so I bought the MP3 for ‘Leave It,’” Gates said as he opened one of the 13,846 boxes that had arrived at his house. “Then I started looking into other songs Trevor Horn produced and bought all the Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Art of Noise CDs they had. I guess that sort of inspired me, because next I purchased Amazon’s entire inventory of musical instruments, equipment, and software, and before I knew it, I somehow ended up with 200 sets of luggage, all their TVs, a bunch of kayaks, that Krakauer book about the Mormons, and I don’t even know how many walk-in freezers. Oh, and a dozen chandeliers and a birdbath and pretty much all their watches, too.” Gates told reporters he came to his senses at about 5 a.m. after realizing he had nearly purchased a controlling stake in the company.
U.N. Address Ends In Tragedy As Ahmadinejad Suffers Third Degree Burns From Malfunctioning Pyrotechnics #~# NEW YORK—Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's highly anticipated annual address to the U.N. General Assembly ended in tragedy today when an onstage pyrotechnics mishap left the Iranian president with third-degree burns covering 40 percent of his body. Soon after ascending the podium amidst flashing lights and the blaring strains of AC/DC's "Hell’s Bells," the 54-year-old leader was seen protectively cradling his head as a massive fountain of brightly colored sparks exploded directly into his face. "We tried to warn him that our venue was not suited to this kind of display, but he was insistent," U.N. facilities manager Gary Shepard said. "And the pyrotechnicians were supposed to hold off on the larger fireworks until Mr. Ahmadinejad got to his big finish about Israel." Assembled dignitaries agreed they had not witnessed such a grave disaster since 1997, when Kofi Annan’s aerial rigging snapped and sent the secretary-general careening into the delegation from Bulgaria, killing eight.
Satellite To Hit Earth This Week #~# A defunct 6-and-a-half-ton climate satellite is scheduled to crash into Earth on Friday, though scientists can't tell exactly when or where just yet. What do you think?
ONION NEWS NETWORK POLL FINDS MAJORITY OF AMERICANS WILL VOTE FOR ASHTON KUTCHER IN 2012 #~# Analysts Say The "Two And A Half Men" Star Could Easily Win Presidency
Cool Dad Raising Daughter On Media That Will Put Her Entirely Out Of Touch With Her Generation #~# RENTON, WA—Local man Paul Campbell confirmed Saturday he was raising his daughter Emma on a variety of media carefully selected to help her cultivate an appreciation for artistic quality, a move that will reportedly put the 12-year-old girl hopelessly out of touch with her generation.
Netflix Starts Qwikster #~# In an attempt to rebound from the public relations disaster of the company's poorly-rolled-out price increases, Netflix announced that its newly separate DVD service would be rebranded Qwikster. What do you think?
Bugs Infesting Area Apartment Have No Clear Goal #~# BUFFALO, NY—Residents in a downtown apartment questioned the goals and motives of the bugs infesting their home this week after watching cockroaches wander aimlessly from room to room with no apparent objective. "At first I thought they were just searching for food," Valerie Dicaro said Wednesday, adding that she figured the bugs would have their act together by now, considering it's been six months. "But then I saw a bunch of them in the hallway, where there's no food at all. What exactly is the game plan here?" Dicaro stated that if the bugs fail to make any progress soon, she might have to kill them.
First-Ever Gay 'Dear John' Letters Begin Reaching U.S. Troops Overseas #~# BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN—Hailed as a monumental step toward equality by gay rights activists, hundreds of Dear John letters reportedly began reaching newly outed troops overseas this week, notifying soldiers for the first time ever that their same-sex partners back home were leaving them and starting a new life with someone else.
Rick Perry's Alaska #~# Discovery
Republicans Call Tax Proposal 'Class Warfare' #~# High-ranking Republicans, including chairman of the House Budget Committee Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), have spoken out against President Obama's proposed minimum tax rate for millionaires, decrying it as class warfare. What do you think?
Obama Visits South-Carolina-Ravaged South Carolina #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Calling the devastation "heartbreaking and appalling," President Barack Obama toured South-Carolina-ravaged South Carolina Tuesday, vowing never to turn his back on the 4.6 million residents whose lives have been turned upside down by the horrors of South Carolina. "For decades, citizens from Columbia to Walterboro have suffered a kind of pain and anguish that most Americans could never fathom," said Obama, who later led a silent prayer for the countless victims of the Southern state. "But I'm confident you will rebound. Maybe not in a month. Maybe not in a year. But South Carolina will one day emerge from the ashes of this South-Carolina-torn land." Obama will reportedly be traveling to Charleston next, a city the president said has miraculously escaped the devastation of South Carolina.
Report: Majority Of Baseball Players Swallow Up To Six Baseballs In Their Sleep Per Year #~# WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the National Sleep Foundation revealed that most Major League Baseball players swallow as many as six baseballs per year while sleeping. “As baseball players, they tend to be around baseballs more often, so it’s only natural that they come in oral contact with them while sleeping, swallowing more of them than the average person,” said sleep expert and lead author of the report Dr. James Lowman, adding that swallowing a regulation-sized baseball here and there “isn’t going to kill anyone.” “Some players become distressed when they find out about all the baseballs they swallow, but there’s really no cause for concern. It’s not until you start swallowing 20 baseballs a year, or two baseballs at once, that you need to start thinking abut seeking help.” Lowman, who also said that Prince Fielder sought treatment for swallowing several baseball gloves and a batting helmet earlier this year, disclosed that the Brewers first baseman was awake at the time.
They're Canceling My Favorite Soap! #~# Once in a while, something happens that is so out of nowhere and so inexplicable it leaves you gasping for words. And that something happened last month, when it was announced my very favorite soap opera Brink Of Destiny would be going off the air in September! Canceled! I never, ever thought this would happen. We're talking about a show that has been on every Monday through Friday since 1962. The meanie network couldn't even wait for the show's 50th anniversary to pull the plug. And now it's been unceremoniously canned, like beets!
Roommate, Girlfriend Never Seem To Have Sex #~# BROOKLINE, MA—By all outward indications, Derek Nesbitt and his girlfriend of eight months, Shawna Morrero, never have sex, baffled roommate Max Wirsing reported Tuesday. “It’s pretty odd, frankly, that he and Shawna rarely hang out in his bedroom, and when they do, they never turn the music up loud,” said Wirsing, pointing out that both he and his roommate have similar 9-to-5 work schedules, effectively ruling out the possibility that the couple has sex during the day. “What’s more, my room is right next to his, and I haven’t once heard them go at it while I’m trying to sleep. Bizarre.” Wirsing later determined that Morrero and Nesbit could only be having sex during an 8-to-10-minute window on Monday and Thursday evenings, when Wirsing leaves the apartment to move his car to the opposite side of the street.
FDA, Dr. Oz Clash Over Apple Juice #~# The Food and Drug Administration has chastised Dr. Oz, accusing the TV physician of dispensing misleading and incorrect information when he expressed concerns over arsenic levels in apple juice. What do you think?
No Complaints If A Remake Of 'Emma' With Jon Hamm And Emily Blunt Got Thrown Our Way, Nation's Girlfriends Report #~# NEW YORK—Claiming it would be totally fine by them, the nation’s girlfriends assured reporters Tuesday that if a new BBC miniseries remake of Emma starring Jon Hamm and Emily Blunt somehow got thrown their way, there would be no complaints from them. “All we’re saying is, if they decided to film a classic tale of tangled romance set in Regency England starring those two actors, by all means,” said Denver-area girlfriend Eva Mazula, who added that tossing in a little Ryan Gosling as Mr. Elton wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, either. “And certainly don’t hold back, on our account, on squeezing in a scene where two characters in gorgeous period costumes exchange furtive glances across a ballroom while Judi Dench talks about her daughter’s dowry. Honestly, feel free.” A spokesperson for the nation’s girlfriends confirmed that none of them would put up a fight should a back rub occur during one of the film’s commercial breaks.
Team Returns To Stadium In Dead Of Night To Retrieve All They Left On Field #~# COLUMBUS, IN—Members of the New Albany Bulldogs high school football team reportedly returned to East Stafford Stadium in the dead of night Friday and attempted to recover everything they had left on the field earlier in the evening. “We left everything we had out there, which was great, but now we have to get it back before our next game,” said Bulldogs starting tailback Chris Stephens, adding that the team also needed all of it for practice. “After a long bus ride home, we suddenly realized we just left it all sitting there, strewn all over the field. Of all the stupid things to forget, ‘everything we had’ has to be the dumbest.” After a two-hour search, the team expressed frustration upon discovering their opponents had taken everything the Bulldogs had left out there, with the East Stafford Raiders claiming it was their own absolute best.
Distressed Nation Turns To Poet Laureate For Solace #~# FRESNO, CA—Struggling through difficult times marked by war, economic despair, and political turmoil, the nation turned en masse this week to its newly appointed poet laureate, seeking solace in his words as so many generations of Americans have before in the words of laureates past.
Dancing With The Star #~# ABC
Justin Verlander #~# Detroit's Justin Verlander has 23 wins for the Tigers this season, prompting talk that he deserves the MVP despite only playing every fifth game. Is he any good?
Grandfather Tries To Make First Fall As Cool-Looking As Possible #~# DECATUR, IL—Not wanting to appear old or frail in front of his family, 78-year-old Gordon Isensee did everything in his power Thursday to make his first crippling fall look as cool as possible. "I felt my knees buckle and I knew I had to act quick to try to make it look as smooth as possible," Isensee said. "I crumpled to the kitchen floor but managed to extend my arms out, say 'Ta-da!' and tell everyone who was standing over me that I'd be there all week. I think that really impressed them." Isensee then spent the entire ambulance ride thinking about the perfect catheter joke he could tell his grandchildren when they visited him at the hospital.
Just Like Everything Else! #~# Fox
Everyone On Seahawks A Bad Secret Weapon #~# SEATTLE—Seahawks coach Pete Carroll said in a press conference Friday that the Seahawks would be one of the biggest surprises of the 2011 season, as the team is entirely made up of bad secret weapons. “Tarvaris Jackson is going to surprise everyone with his play in our losses this season, tight end Jamison Konz is a threat to make crucial mistakes from anywhere on the field, and no one’s even going to see Charlie Whitehurst coming—he’s that bad,” said Carroll, adding that the team may soon unleash fullback Eddie Williams, a little-known third year player with no actual playing experience who will undoubtedly perform terribly in key short-yardage situations. “Defenses will just have too much to account for—they won’t know where their next easy sack, high wobbling interception, or unforced fumble is coming from.” Carroll said he was excited to see all the terrible players get their chances to screw up, but revealed his idiotic, poorly-thought-out game plan is the team’s best-kept bad secret weapon.
'Under New Management' Banner Heralds Bold New Era For Cell Phone Store #~# SMYRNA, GA—Foretelling a brave new epoch in Cumberland Mall T-Mobile store history, a grand "Under New Management" sign was triumphantly unfurled across the retailer's front window Saturday morning.
Baseball’s Annual Awards: 2011 Edition #~# It's that time of year again when baseball gears up to honor its best players, pitchers, managers, and rookies. Here's how Onion Sports sees it:
Eli Manning Buys Silly Hat To Make Himself Feel Better #~# NEW YORK—Following a demoralizing 14-28 loss to the Redskins Sunday in which he threw an interception and no touchdowns, Giants quarterback Eli Manning attempted to cheer himself up with the purchase of an oversized green leprechaun-style top hat. “I like it. It makes me feel better,” Manning told reporters while wearing the large, dopey hat that reportedly cost $24.99 at a local Spencer Gifts. “I knew when I was sacked for a fourth time that it was going to be a hat day. This one made me laugh the most when I saw it, but the hat that looked like a traffic cone was funny too. I’m pretty sure I already have that one, though.” According to sources close to the family, Manning’s father yelled at him for wasting his money on yet another silly hat.
FBI Probing Johansson Phone Hack #~# The FBI is investigating the source of nude photos that were allegedly hacked from actress Scarlett Johansson's phone. What do you think?
B.J. Upton Greeted By Teammates After Historic Circumnavigation Of Bases #~# ST. PETERSBURG, FL—With warm welcomes and loud exclamations of relief from his Rays teammates, Tampa Bay outfielder B.J. Upton was greeted at home plate Sunday after returning from a perilous, arduous circumnavigation of the Tropicana Field bases, a journey that ended at the very same spot it began.
Undefeated NFL Teams, So Far #~# There are still seven undefeated teams in the NFL, and as usual, they're not the ones you might expect. What are their chances of staying that way?
ONION NEWS NETWORK LAUNCHES NEW TV CHANNEL FOR THE POOR #~# "Onion Destitute Channel" Will Cater To Growing Demographic Of Americans Living In Poverty
American Secrets For Sale #~# Space scientist Stewart David Nozette pleaded guilty to a charge of attempting to sell classified information to an FBI agent posing as an Israeli spy. Here are some other secrets people are trying to sell to foreign intelligence agencies:
Poverty Rate Hits 17-Year High #~# In 2010, the number of Americans living in poverty reached nearly one in six, the highest rate since 1993. What do you think?
Smithsonian Rejects Tie Dylan McDermott Wore In 'The Practice' #~# WASHINGTON—The Smithsonian Museum of American History has politely declined to accept the striped-blue tie worn by actor Dylan McDermott during the "Of Thee I Sing" episode in the seventh season of The Practice. "Unfortunately, the Smithsonian is not accepting unsolcited submissions at this time," read the form letter sent by the Smithsonian Institution to the residence of Mr. McDermott, along with the returned tie and autographed headshot originally sent to the museum. "While we appreciate your interest, the article of clothing in question does not meet the level of cultural significance demonstrated by the artifacts in≠cluded in our collection, such as the ruby slippers from The Wizard Of Oz and Archie Bunker's chair from All In The Family. Best of luck." When asked for† comment, Mr. McDermott said he thought the Smithsonian was making a "huge mistake," but believed another item he recently sent the museum—a sweater he wore in the 2003 film Runaway Jury—was "a sure thing."
Sears Quote #~# "Our only shot at creating jobs is for this guy to buy a drill press," - Ben Bernanke
U.S. Economic Recovery Resting On Man Currently Perusing Sears Power Tools Section #~# WASHINGTON—Top financial experts announced this morning that any chance for the struggling U.S. economy to improve now rests solely on the shoulders of Spokane, WA resident Bill Loughlin, who is currently browsing the power tools section at Sears.
Ancient Mysteries #~# History
Jerry Jones On Cowboys' Loss: 'This Was The Worst 9/11 Ever' #~# NEW YORK—Saying it "might be years before America's Team recovers from the devastation," Cowboys owner Jerry Jones told reporters Monday his team's 27-24 defeat by the New York Jets on Sept. 11 marked the worst 9/11 on record. "I'll never forget where I was on Sept. 11 when that punt was blocked and our team just collapsed," said Jones, adding that he was still struggling to comprehend the enormity of the loss. "All I could do was watch from the sidelines… I kept thinking, 'This can't be happening. This can't be real.' But it was." The almost inconsolable Jones stated that "As of 9/11, we are all Dallas Cowboys" before succumbing to grief and being escorted from the building.
Fast-Cut Cartoons May Reduce Children's Focus #~# In a recent study, children who watched SpongeBob SquarePants were less able to complete a problem-solving task than those who instead watched an educational cartoon or spent the time drawing. What do you think?
New Study Finds Women Should Only Be Making 20 Cents Less On Dollar Than Men #~# WASHINGTON—A new study released Monday by the U.S. Labor Department found that women, who currently earn 23 cents less on the dollar when doing the same work as men, should in fact be earning only 20 cents less than their male counterparts. "This is 2011, and it is frankly ridiculous that women earn only 77 percent of what men make, when they should clearly be making 80 percent of what men make," department spokesman Frank Neiderberg said. "There's simply no doubt that, in this day and age, women contribute a full four-fifths of what men do to the economy. No doubt whatsoever." A coalition of feminist groups said the report "is a small step in the right direction, but doesn't go nearly far enough," causing many observers to point out that nothing is ever good enough for those people.
Friend Lives Strange Other Life As Manchester United Fan #~# BOSTON—According to resident Mike Donnick, his friend and roommate Ben Manton lives a bizarre parallel life as a fan of the U.K. Premier League soccer club Manchester United. “On Saturdays, I’ll hear him leave the apartment at like 7 in the morning, and then he’ll come back around 2 or 3 in the afternoon absolutely plastered, wearing an enormous red scarf and Man U jersey,” Donnick told reporters Tuesday, admitting he has no idea where Ben goes or with whom he hangs out while away. “Occasionally, Ben’ll be on his computer and yell something like ‘Fucking Vidic,’ but when I ask him who Vidic is, he tells me Vidic’s the club skipper and not to worry about it. I think Vidic might be a soccer player, but who knows?” Donnick also said Ben’s weird choice to sing “Build a bonfire, build a bonfire, put the Scousers on the top” to the tune of “Oh My Darling, Clementine” is somehow connected to his secret Manchester United fandom, but could not be certain.
Bruce Springsteen Releases New Sci-Fi Concept Album About Struggles Of Poor Miners Working On Mars #~# RUMSON, NJ—After more than a year of writing and recording, Bruce Springsteen released his 18th studio album Tuesday, a concept record titled Red Dust that explores the  everyday lives and struggles of immigrant workers scraping by in the 23rd-century carbonate mines on Mars.
That's Delicious! #~# Food
Well, I Guess I'll Just Take My Business To Another Soulless Multinational Corporation #~# The nerve of you people. Treating a longtime patron with so little respect, like I'm just another walking dollar sign. If that's what passes for customer service around here, you sadly leave me with no choice but to have the exact same experience at another giant soulless multinational corporation somewhere else.
U.S. Funding Video Games #~# According to University of Texas tax professor Calvin H. Johnson, the video game industry is one of the most heavily subsidized in the United States, a result of its unique position in software development, entertainment, and online retail. What do you think?
Lack Of Media Interest Makes Genocide Cover-Up Unnecessary #~# AFMADOW, SOMALIA—Utter global disinterest in the wholesale slaughter of 250,000 ethnic Bajuni people this week has caused Somali warlord Maj. Fortunate Charles to regret all the effort he put into covering up the atrocities. "I went out of my way to hide the corpses in secret mass graves, I burnt entire villages to the ground to destroy evidence—all for nothing," said Charles, adding that he had expected intense media scrutiny or at least some kind of U.N. fact-finding mission. "Next time, I'll leave them lying where they fall with the machetes still in their heads." Charles said he was also upset about the money he'd wasted on the custom-fitted Italian suit he had intended to wear while on trial in the Hague.
Boxer Who Killed Other Guy In Ring Somehow Not World Champion Now #~# LAS VEGAS—Despite punching his opponent so hard and so often Monday that he killed him in the ring, boxer James Griffin is somehow not the sport’s current world champion. “It would seem that killing a person while boxing would mean the pugilist has reached the absolute top of his profession, but according to federation rules, that isn’t the case,” said boxing analyst Gary Brito, adding that if the goal of boxing is to punch someone so that he can’t get up during a 10-count, punching someone to a point where he is physically incapable of ever getting up again should warrant some sort of championship belt. “There is something truly wrong with the sport when killing a man doesn’t at least earn the victor some extra prize money.” Griffin admitted to reporters he was disappointed the match did not make him world champion but said murdering a stranger with his hands in front of the man’s family and thousands of cheering people was its own reward.
New Mexico Governor's Grandparents Were Illegal Immigrants #~# Gov. Susana Martinez, who supports a bill that would prevent illegal immigrants from obtaining driver's licenses in New Mexico, has acknowledged her father's parents came to the United States without papers. What do you think?
The Big O #~# Fox
'If Only Sully Had Been Flying Those Planes On 9/11,' Grade-A Idiot Remarks #~# MARTINSVILLE, VA—Reflecting on the events of Sept. 11, 2001, grade-A moron Dennis Lloyd remarked aloud to friends Sunday that the tragedy likely would have been averted had the hijacked airliners been captained that day by Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, the commercial pilot famed for safely landing US Airways Flight 1549 in the Hudson River in 2009. "You just know Sully would've had things under control and landed that plane in downtown New York or right on top of the Pentagon if he had to," said the colossal imbecile, revealing a staggering ignorance of that day's circumstances, the brutal tactics used by the hijackers, and basic physics. "He would've been 10 years younger at the time, too, so if anyone tried to get into the cockpit, he would've just thrown a few elbows and ended things right there." The unbelievable idiot also concluded the 9/11 attacks could have been prevented if the Navy's SEAL Team Six had been in charge of the World Trade Center.
Chris Bosh Announces Plans To Spend NBA Lockout Playing Basketball Alone In Driveway #~# MIAMI—Heat forward Chris Bosh confirmed Sunday he plans on dribbling around and shooting hoops alone in his driveway during the NBA lockout. "I want to keep playing the high-caliber basketball I'm accustomed to, so until someone calls me back, I'll be in my driveway pretending Karl Malone is defending me and I’m on the 1997 Chicago Bulls," Bosh told reporters, adding that he'd recreate pressure-filled game situations by making crowd noises with his mouth as he played. "The NBA doesn't seem like it wants to work out a deal, so I hope other players will join me. I mean it; guys are welcome to come over anytime. I've got cold Gatorades in the fridge and video games for when it gets dark. Please, someone, come over." Bosh reconfirmed multiple times that the backboard on his hoop is, in fact, Plexiglas, "just like a real NBA one."
U.S. Commemorates 9/11 By Toasting Stable Afghan Government From Top Of Freedom Tower #~# NEW YORK—In a moving and beautiful ceremony held atop Lower Manhattan's gleaming, 120-story-tall Freedom Tower, the nation commemorated the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks by raising a glass to the stable democracy of Afghanistan and to a decade of unprecedented peace and prosperity across the globe.
Playin' Possum?!? #~# Fox
Man Who Likes To Be Jostled Moving To City #~# ENID, OK—Local resident Spencer Cravel announced his plans to move to New York City Wednesday so that he might pursue his passion for being jostled and bumped around. “For a guy like me who enjoys getting jostled, bopped, and knocked from side to side by hundreds of strangers all pressing forward in a pointless hurry, New York City’s the place to be,” said Cravel, who first discovered his love of getting shoved from every direction as if in a herd of cattle while exiting a professional basketball game. “I’ve been to Chicago and there’s some good jostling there, especially around the El train entrances early in the morning, and I hear Tokyo has some top-notch jostling, but here, in America, if you want to be jostled, and I mean truly good and jostled, you got to go to New York City.” Cravel admitted he was relieved he’d no longer have to seek out jostling spots in his hometown, saying he’d grown tired of the “rinky-dink” jostling he experiences when trying to reenter his local movie theater after a film has just ended.
Busy Referee Regrets Not Finding Time To Throw Flag Around With Son #~# TAMPA, FL—NFL referee Bob Turner wishes he could find more time to be at home throwing a flag around with his 8-year-old son, the veteran official said Friday. “Every dad wants the chance to spend some quality time in the backyard with his kid, tossing a flag on the ground, but traveling across the country every week means I don’t get to do that very often,” said Turner, who fondly remembers throwing a flag around with his own referee father. “One of these days I’m going to come home from a Super Bowl, want to throw the flag on the grass with him, and he’s not going to be a kid anymore.” Turner also admitted he sometimes worries his absence will lead the boy to fall in with the wrong crowd, and dreads the thought of getting a call at 3 a.m. notifying him his son has been charged with a face-masking penalty.
Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps #~# UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.
Continental Sports Channel To Hold 10th Anniversary Memorial Service For 'Sports Night' Employees Killed On 9/11 #~# NEW YORK—Citing a responsibility to honor coworkers lost on Sept. 11, 2001, Continental Sports Channel managing editor and former Sports Night executive producer Dana Whitaker announced that a memorial service would be held Sunday near the show’s former World Trade Center office. “When the first plane hit, instantly killing Dan [Rydell] and Casey [McCall], the show and our lives changed forever,” said Whitaker, adding that the memorial would especially be cathartic for the show’s current executive producer, Natalie Hurley-Goodwin, who lost her husband Jeremy when the studio’s editing bay was engulfed in flames. “So many members of the CSC family are now gone: the entire crew; [CSC ratings adviser] Sam [Donovan], who was actually on one of the planes; and Sally Sasser who, even though she wanted my job and slept with Casey, did put on a very polished West Coast Update. And poor Isaac. With the complications he was suffering as a result of his stroke, he never had a chance of making it out.” Whitaker added that she is still having trouble finding the right balance between her personal and professional life.
Crane Collapse Delays National Cathedral Repair #~# A 500-ton crane set up to repair earthquake damage at the National Cathedral in Washington collapsed Wednesday, damaging several cars and a nearby building, but sparing the church itself. What do you think?
9/11 Memorial Curators Decide Not To Display Swastika Formed By Twisted Girders Found At Ground Zero #~# NEW YORK—Despite the surprising coincidence of finding a perfectly formed swastika amidst the broken girders of the Twin Towers, 9/11 memorial curators have opted not to display the symbol, choosing instead to leave it in the storage facility where it has been located for the past 10 years. "On the one hand, it's pretty miraculous that there was a precisely shaped 80-by-80-foot swastika found in the rubble of the fallen World Trade Center, but in the end, we decided not to include it in our plans for the museum," said memorial spokesman Stanley Morgenstern, adding that it would probably be seen as inappropriate. "Although you've got to admit that it is pretty incredible. Mathematically, what are the odds? It's amazing but, perhaps, not right for what we are trying to achieve with the museum." Upon hearing the news, neo-Nazi groups have complained about the exclusion, arguing that the giant swastika is "a sign from heaven" and that "9/11 affected all Americans, including those who believe in the inherent genetic superiority of the Aryan race."
Most Surprising Training Camp Cuts #~# Last Saturday saw NFL teams making final cuts to get down to 53-man rosters, and some unexpected names had to hand in their playbooks. Here’s a guide to who was released:
Family Relieved To Hear Good Grandma Didn't Die #~# KEENE, NH—After enduring a temporary moment of heartbreak upon hearing their grandmother had died in her sleep the previous night, children of the Sullivan family told reporters Monday they were immensely relieved to learn it wasn’t the good grandma. “When Mom first broke the news, I got this awful feeling like everything inside me just dropped into my stomach—but then she told us it was Nana Duffy, not Grammy Jane,” said 15-year-old Dana Sullivan, later adding that she couldn’t bear to think about the void her beloved grandmother Jane’s absence would have left in her life. “I really would have missed Grammy’s stories and jokes. Thank God it wasn’t her. She’s the best.” Dana and her two brothers Jason, 13, and David, 14, were reportedly excited to hear they would be staying with Grammy Jane in Concord while their parents attended the funeral.
House Condescendingly Approves $400 In Added Stimulus #~# 'Go Fill Yourself A Nice Pothole,' Say Republicans
Grown Men Inspired By Stupid Little Sign Hanging In Locker Room #~# ST. LOUIS—A group of fully grown men felt inspired Saturday by a stupid little sign hanging in a locker room and expressed their exhilaration by shouting, clapping their hands, and jumping around, baffled eyewitnesses confirmed.
Ghost-Storm Chasers #~# National Geographic
Area Woman's Baseless Hatred Of Anne Hathaway Reciprocated #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Actress Anne Hathaway admitted to reporters Thursday that she feels the same baseless hatred for a Massachusetts woman that the woman feels toward her. "You can tell Cathy Lerro's totally in love with herself, even though she's really just fucking annoying," Hathaway said in reference to the 36-year-old Sudbury resident, who the Devil Wears Prada star grudgingly acknowledged was decent that one time as an office manager but hasn't done anything nearly that good since. "Ugh. Just hearing her name makes me kind of ill. And that voice." When questioned further by reporters, Hathaway vehemently denied her hatred for Lerro was motivated by jealousy.
ONION NEWS NETWORK TO AIR GOV. RICK PERRY'S FIRST PUBLIC EXECUTION #~# Perry To Make Executing Prisoners Central Campaign Theme—>—>
Cheney's New Memoir #~# Former vice president Dick Cheney promised to have ‘heads exploding’ with his new memoir, In My Time. Here are some revelations from the book:
Smoking Rates Down #~# A report from the Centers for Disease Control showed that fewer Americans are smoking, and that those who do smoke are smoking less. What do you think?
Shitty Zoo Promoting Hell Out Of New Fruit Bat #~# WICHITA, KS—Desperately hoping to raise its profile and boost attendance, the Wichita Zoo, long considered one of the crappiest zoos in the United States, is using every resource at its disposal to promote the hell out of a new fruit bat, sources reported Friday.
Hostess Fruit Pie Theater #~# G4
Nation Would Rather Think About 9/11 Than Anything From Subsequent 10 Years #~# NEW YORK—As media coverage of the 10th anniversary of 9/11 ramps up this week, citizens across the United States collectively realized they would rather think about the terrorist attacks of 2001 than about anything else that has transpired in the subsequent decade. "The events of Sept. 11 were unspeakably tragic, but really, when you think about it, things have only grown more horrible and unbearable since then," said Phyllis Bennett of San Jose, CA, who considered 9/11 a notably less unpleasant topic than the Iraq War, the worldwide financial meltdown, Hurricane Katrina, the nation's debt burden, the deaths of 6,200 U.S. troops, China's rise into a global superpower, the housing market, relentless partisan bickering, millions of job losses, the war in Afghanistan, nuclear proliferation, unchecked climate change, declining household income, swine flu, or the 9/11 Truth movement. "That was an awful day for America, but at least the nation came together and people actually seemed to care about one another. Just compare that to now, Jesus Christ." While stating they felt "kind of terrible" about it, Americans expressed a longing to return to those "better days" of shared national agony in September 2001, when everybody truly believed things couldn't get any worse.
Post Office Nearly Bankrupt #~# With the U.S. Postal Service in danger of defaulting on a $5.5 billion payment due this month, a bailout will be necessary to ensure the mail is delivered. What do you think?
Obama Commercial #~# "Glico Pretz Ham & Cheese is a fine product, a delicious product, and one that I fully endorse for snacking morning, afternoon, and night." - President Obama
NFL To Fine Fans For Excessive Celebrations #~# NEW YORK—In a controversial decision to crack down on gaudy displays of jubilation, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Wednesday to fine fans thousands of dollars for celebrating excessively in the stands. “Offending individuals engaged in elaborate rituals that involve props, choreographed dances, or leaving their feet will face stiff monetary penalties,” said Goodell, adding that every taunt, chant, cardboard sign, and chest bump will be reviewed by the league. “The NFL simply will not tolerate poor sportsmanship, and any spectator committing extreme celebrations, such as collaborating with others to display a cardboard capital “D” and a picket fence, or removing articles of clothing after a touchdown, will receive a $30,000 fine and be ejected from the game.” Goodell also told reporters teams would receive a 15-yard penalty anytime a fan gets out of line by clapping too loudly or shouting complaints about a referee’s call.
Obama Earns Money For U.S. By Appearing In Japanese Television Commercial #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to obtain badly needed revenue for the ailing U.S. economy, President Barack Obama recently appeared in a 30-second television spot for the popular Japanese snack product Glico Pretz Ham & Cheese, White House sources reported Wednesday.
We Need To Do More When It Comes To Having Brief, Panicked Thoughts About Climate Change #~# The 20 hottest years on record have all taken place in the past quarter century. The resulting floods, wildfires, and heat waves have all had deadly consequences, and if we don't reduce carbon emissions immediately, humanity faces bleak prospects. We can no longer ignore this issue. Beginning today, we must all do more when it comes to our brief and panicked thoughts about climate change.
Obama Will Not Preempt Football #~# President Obama promised that Thursday's jobs address to Congress would not conflict with the NFL season opener between Green Bay and New Orleans. What do you think?
Former Lovers Meet In Coffee Shop For One Last Cliché #~# MADISON, WI—According to sources, former lovers John Breneman and Ingrid Matay returned Friday to the coffeehouse they had frequented in college, stoking the last dying embers of their feelings for each other and sharing one final cliché. The couple, who began their banal relationship after meeting at a party freshman year and bonded over their shared enthusiasm for the same band, are said to have broken up after graduating and getting jobs in different cities. On Friday, the two reportedly exchanged hackneyed, bittersweet memories from their past, recounting their first kiss, shared under an awning as a freak storm passed, as well as the picnic they went on—complete with blanket, basket, and bottle of wine—in trite celebration of their first anniversary. At press time, the couple had exited the coffee shop, shared a lingering hug full of rehashed sentiment, and gone their separate ways, with Breneman looking back over his shoulder to make eye contact in one last well-worn trope.
Three More Syrians Killed As Tom Weighs Merits Of Drafting Neil Rackers #~# EMPORIA, KS—Three civilians attending a pro-democracy demonstration in Syria were shot dead by their government’s armed forces Tuesday while local man Tom Burchett was reportedly trying to decide whether or not to draft Neil Rackers with his fantasy football team’s sixteenth-round pick. “Rackers was pretty stellar last year from long yardage, and this league gives you extra points for those,” Burchett, 34, said as dying Syrians realized with their last flickers of dwindling consciousness that they would never experience human freedom. “I could go with another sleeper wideout here, but my worry is there will be a run on kickers now that Greg and Dustin have both picked one.” As several hundred more Syrians decided to join the protests and risk their lives, Burchett finally decided to draft Rackers, calling it the most difficult choice he’s made all year and a risk he hopes he won’t regret.
Pawn Stars #~# History
New Study Reveals Majority Of Americans Want #~# CHICAGO—A study of more than 1,200 subjects by the Consumer Research Institute at Loyola University has found that a significant majority of U.S. citizens want. "Regardless of their age, gender, class, education, or religion, Americans are remarkably alike in their capacity to want," Dr. Stanley Murcheson told reporters Tuesday, noting that 33 percent of survey respondents indicated they not only want, but want really bad. "And among those who want, a growing number also demand, feel entitled to, and actually expect." The study concluded that while more Americans than ever desperately need, fewer than 6 percent of them will ever get.
NCAA Football Recruitment Reduced To Series Of Winks, Eyebrow Raises #~# INDIANAPOLIS—The NCAA unveiled a new set of college football recruitment rules Monday, restricting teams from communicating with high school athletes using anything other than a wink or a raised eyebrow. “The only way to level the playing field for programs and temper the influencing of young athletes is to limit coaches to six of these facial movements toward a player in any given week,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert, who earlier vetoed a proposal from schools that wanted to use the more suggestive half-smile, head nod, and rubbing of thumb, index, and middle fingers together to denote “cash.” “Coaches are advised that their facial movements must be made at least 20 feet away from the athlete and for a duration of no more than five seconds. The gestures may not be repeated if they go unnoticed.” According to sources within college programs, however, a distinct wink has already been developed to communicate the phrase “that brand-new red Escalade parked in front of your parents’ house is yours.”
Responsible Cable News Outlets To Devote Sensible Amount Of Airtime To 10th Anniversary Of 9/11 #~# NEW YORK—Promising to cover the event responsibly and with the kind of delicate restraint it deserves, the nation's cable news outlets announced Monday that while they would be devoting some airtime to the 10th anniversary of 9/11, they "certainly wouldn't be going overboard with it."
Saints vs. Packers #~# The 2011 NFL Kickoff game showcases the past two Super Bowl winners, so we'll see how bad those famous hangovers can be.
Report: Fax Machines Still Pretty Impressive If You Think About It #~# WASHINGTON—Fax machines, despite using 40-year-old technology and having come into prominence in the 1980s, are actually still pretty impressive if you think about it, a new Brookings Institute report confirmed Tuesday. “Yes, the words ‘fax machine’ evoke this arcane image of a bulky telephone apparatus that makes a dial-up modem sound, but come on, if you take a step back and think about how, with one press of a button, it’s capable of transmitting a facsimile of a document thousands of miles away over a standard telephone line, there’s no way you can’t find that slightly remarkable,” the report read in part, adding that one has to admit that even with all the technological advancements over the years, the fact that fax machines are still viable communication devices in offices around the world is “pretty damn amazing.” “People still use these things. They rely on them. It’s not uncommon for someone to say, ‘Send me a fax.’ When’s the last time you heard someone say, ‘Can I borrow your Discman?’ See what we’re saying?” The report concluded that the mere fact we’re even talking about fax machines right now should be evidence enough of how great they still are.
You Can't Do That On Television! #~# (N/A)
4-Year-Old’s Optimism Just Making Things Worse For Area Family #~# MARION, AR—Though intended to cheer up family members, the unflagging optimism of 4-year-old Shelby Cooper has served only to exacerbate the financial stress her parents have experienced since her father lost his job two years ago, sources reported Monday. “It used to make me smile when she’d say, ‘Don’t worry! You’ll get a million dollars!’” said Ken Cooper, admitting he has since grown to dread his daughter’s good-luck nose kisses. “But now when she crawls onto my lap and tells me I shouldn’t be sad because I’m the strongest Daddy in the whole world, it just makes me feel like an even bigger failure.” At press time, Shelby was coloring a picture of her mother, who when reached for comment said drawings of her leaving the hospital on a rainbow only made her worry more about how the family would pay for her cancer treatments.
Orioles Winning Streak Has O's Fans Worried About Rest Of League #~# BALTIMORE—As the Orioles completed a six-game winning streak last Sunday, several O’s fans expressed concern about the mental and physical health of every other Major League Baseball team. “For J.J. Hardy and Mark Reynolds to suddenly play so well, you know that means there has to be something seriously wrong with everyone else,” Orioles fan Elaine Dietz told reporters, adding that the team’s combined talent should never result in consecutive wins at any given time. “If the Orioles go on another streak like that, I would seriously consider ending the season immediately and testing every American League team for bacterial, viral, and autoimmune disorders. If whatever the league has contracted isn’t caught immediately, it could mean the end of baseball.” At press time, members of the Minnesota Twins, whom the Orioles swept in August, were experiencing fatigue, vomiting blood, and reporting painful skin pustules all over their bodies.
Area Man Obsessed With Knowing If Kevin Spacey Asshole In Real Life #~# VANCOUVER, WA—Local resident Pat Brouger spent more than an hour Saturday speculating about whether or not actor Kevin Spacey is an asshole in everyday life.
Little League World Series Winners Must Be Getting Tons Of Pussy Right Now #~# WILLIAMSPORT, PA—After defeating a Japanese team 2-1 to win the Little League World Series, the 12-year-old champions from Huntington Beach, CA are, without a doubt, up to their ears in pussy, sources reported Friday. “They win the biggest game on the biggest stage—there’s no way they’re leaving the house without wading hip-deep in trim,” said LLWS color commentator Orel Hershiser, adding that every member of the team is probably getting his own wet right now. “The second a woman finds out she’s talking to a Little League World Series champ, she gets all flushed and will basically do anything. I’m talking the nastiest of stuff. With all that puss in their faces, I just hope those kids can breathe.” Current major-league player and former Little League World Series winner Jason Varitek told reporters he got more pussy after winning the 1984 championship than at any other point in his life, and said the kids should just enjoy it while it lasts.
Top 2011 College Football Matchups #~# Another great college season is upon us, and Onion Sports analysts have made their picks for the year’s most thrilling games.
AT&T, T-Mobile Merger Faces Roadblock #~# The Department of Justice has filed an antitrust lawsuit to block the merger between mobile service providers AT&T and T-Mobile, saying it would increase prices and reduce innovation. What do you think?
Lovie Smith Says Voices In Headset Keep Calling Him Idiot #~# CHICAGO—Harried, flinch-prone Bears head coach Lovie Smith said Thursday his biggest concern going into the 2011-2012 NFL season would be the constant presence of the cruel, derisive voices in his headset that keep calling him an idiot.
Look At 'Em Go! #~# Bravo
What print media would you be foolish not to invest in? #~# Back to article: Failing U.S. Economy No Reason At All To Stop Investing In Print Media, All Experts Agree
Monsanto Corn Under Attack By Superbug #~# An Iowa entomologist discovered a corn rootworm that has evolved to be resistant to a pesticide produced by a genetically modified corn plant the Monsanto company developed to ward off that very bug. What do you think?
Nostalgic Scientists Rediscover Polio Vaccine #~# NEW YORK—A half century after Jonas Salk first devised a vaccine for polio, nostalgic researchers at NYU Medical Center rediscovered the “classic” inoculation late Tuesday night, recreating the immunization treatment from a monkey kidney tissue culture determined to be highly evocative of the original. “It was a simpler time back then,” said project leader Dr. Timothy Riordan, who lamented his generation having lost touch with many traditions from the early days of virology. “They just don’t make vaccines like this anymore. There was a real craft to it back then.” At press time, the scientists had shifted their efforts toward finding a way to contain the new deadly and virulent strain of polio they had inadvertently created.
Circus Train Wreck Not Funny, Investigators Emphasize #~# ALTOONA, PA—Following the fiery derailment of a 56-car Ringling Bros. circus train Wednesday, hundreds of clowns, somersaulting acrobats, ringmasters on stilts, stampeding giraffes, and monkeys in colorful hats were seen fleeing the accident, which investigators stressed was a very serious matter and in no way funny.
Earthquake Tests East Coast Preparedness #~# Emergency management professionals questioned the readiness of Washington, D.C., New York, and other cities after a 5.8-magnitude earthquake hit Virginia. Here are some things you can do to keep safe during a quake:
New Cheney Memoir Reveals He's Going To Live Full, Satisfied Life Without Ever Feeling Remorse And There's Nothing We Can Do About It #~# NEW YORK—The publication this week of Dick Cheney’s memoir, In My Time, has revealed the former vice president enjoys a fulfilling life unaffected by any sense of guilt or regret and there’s absolutely nothing any of us can do about it. “This unique look at an otherwise intensely private man’s inner thoughts shows us he couldn’t be prouder of his life’s work and will never feel one single moment of anguish over his actions no matter how desperately we want him to,” book critic James L. Warner writes of the 576-page memoir’s disclosure that Cheney would spend his retirement never second-guessing his advocacy of a disastrous war, the torture of detainees, illegal wiretapping, or tax cuts that created devastating budget deficits and crippled the U.S. economy. “Nothing we do will ever change the fact that this man sleeps very soundly at night and, in fact, looks back fondly upon a long, rewarding career. You almost have to admire that.” The book also reveals that none of the former vice president’s five heart attacks has caused him even the slightest amount of pain.
Guys Working #~# MTV
Population Reaches 7 Billion #~# According to the United Nations, the population of Earth will reach 7 billion today. What do you think?
New Facebook Feature Allows User To Cancel Account #~# PALO ALTO, CA—In its ongoing effort to enrich the way people connect and interact, social media website Facebook introduced a new feature Monday that allows users to cancel their accounts. “To complement our recently overhauled interface—which now provides users with a real-time log of every single thing their friends are doing at any given moment—we’ve added a function that lets people delete their entire profile with the click of a button,” said company spokesman Scott Wippold, describing how the change would bring “an exciting new level of user control” to Facebook. “It’s a really cool feature we’re happy to be offering for the very first time.” The company later confirmed that account closures would not stop Facebook from continuing to acquire, permanently store, and sell all information about its current and former users until the day they die.
Cocky Miami Dolphins Already Booking Hotel Rooms For Week 12 Game At Dallas #~# MIAMI—In what analysts are calling a brash move, the Miami Dolphins have decided to tempt fate by going ahead and securing rooms in a Dallas Marriott for their week 12 matchup against the Cowboys. "It's pure arrogance that would lead a team to reserve rooms in Dallas when there's no guarantee they'll even be playing by then," NFL Network host Rich Eisen said Saturday on NFL Total Access, adding that the Dolphins' decision to plan that far in advance is both "cocky" and "a total gamble." "Sure, on paper, the Fins have a chance to make it past the Giants and maybe even Kansas City, but why tempt fate like this? This team has to take it a game at a time." Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano informed reporters he has booked his room in a long-stay hotel, as he is not planning on going back to Miami ever again.
Remains Of Ancient Race Of Job Creators Found In Rust Belt #~# WASHINGTON—A team of leading archaeologists announced Monday they had uncovered the remains of an ancient job-creating race that, at the peak of its civilization, may have provided occupations for hundreds of thousands of humans in the American Northeast and Midwest.
FAA To Ban Plane Crashes #~# WASHINGTON—In what officials are calling "a much-needed policy shift," the Federal Aviation Administration announced this weekend that it would ban all plane crashes. "After a careful review of flight data from the past 25 years, we've determined that customers, pilots, and the airlines themselves would benefit significantly from a strictly enforced no-plane-crash policy," said FAA administrator Randy Babbitt, adding that pilots involved in fiery plane wrecks could face a steep fine or even suspension. "The practice of crashing an airliner into an ocean or mountain will no longer be tolerated. American consumers deserve better." According to industry sources, most commercial airlines are planning to fit in as many crashes as possible between now and Jan. 1, when the ban officially goes into effect.
Joe Buck Walks In On Troy Aikman Covering NFL Game With Another Man #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Fox play-by-play announcer Joe Buck claimed to be overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy, betrayal, and grief Sunday after catching color commentator Troy Aikman covering the Packers-Vikings game with another man. "Troy? Troy! I can't believe you would do this to me after insisting I was the only broadcasting partner you ever wanted or needed," said Buck, who walked in on Aikman and play-by-play announcer Thom Brennaman intimately discussing Vikings rookie quarterback Christian Ponder's first NFL start. "The second I'm away you're hopping into the booth with…with some guy? Some guy who could never describe a 6-yard carry by running back James Starks the way I can? Does he know that you prefer it when I say the 'ball carrier burst through a huge hole'? I trusted you, Troy, but here you are sharing footage of your rookie season with some man you don't even know." Sources confirmed Aikman repeatedly apologized to Buck, saying, "It's not what it looks like," while putting on his pants.
LASIK Surgery Allows Baron To See Without Monocle #~# KÖNIGSBERG, EAST PRUSSIA—Baron Fritz von Friedrich VII, steward of Württemberg, told reporters Saturday that the LASIK surgery he recently underwent to correct the vision in his left eye has been an unmitigated success, allowing him to see without the aid of a monocle for the first time in 30 years. "I grew so dreadfully weary of affixing my monocle whenever I wished to look over a writ concerning one parcel of land or another," said the baron, adding that the sunglass monocle he had to wear while his eye recovered was worth the inconvenience, though its darkened lens forced him to rely upon the opinion of his manservant when selecting a dressing gown each morning. "Now if only they had some miracle remedy for my terribly sensitive hands so I didn't have to wear these wretched white gloves all the time!" Von Friedrich added that he was most grateful for the fact that he will never again have to wear contact monocles, the gold chains of which badly irritated his eye.
Man's Utter Failure In Life A Bit Of A Sore Spot #~# MADISONVILLE, TN—Sources close to local man Mike Ferguson confirmed Saturday that over time they have learned not to bring up their friend's utter failure to achieve anything whatsoever in life, a sensitive topic they said has always been a bit of a sore spot for him.
Lions Fans Excited To Be Booing Again #~# DETROIT—After their team dropped its second-straight game Sunday, Detroit Lions fans told reporters they were thrilled to get back to booing the hapless franchise. "Coming to the games and being disappointed at everything on the field for three consecutive hours—this is what it means to be a Lions fan," said Detroit resident Jim Kesseler, who has followed the team and booed it all his life. "I don't know how to cheer, and I'm glad I never wasted my time learning." The fans also expressed relief that newcomers to the Lions bandwagon were already leaving after two losses, as longtime supporters of the team were uncomfortable interacting with people who had not seen the franchise they love humiliated year after year.
Wal-Mart Shutters New York Fashion Presence #~# Two years after relocating its fashion offices to New York, retail giant Wal-Mart announced it was moving the division back to Arkansas. What do you think?
Greatest World Series Moments #~# Albert Pujols' three homers in one game was an amazing World Series spectacle, but it was hardly the greatest moment the Fall Classic has ever seen.
Popular New DirecTV Package Offers Zero NHL Games #~# EL SEGUNDO, CA—Satellite broadcast provider DirecTV has been inundated with new subscribers following Monday's introduction of NHL ShutOut, a special new sports entertainment package that allows customers to miss 100 percent of National Hockey League programming.
Record Year For Abortion Restrictions #~# While recent federal attempts to impede women's access to safe, legal abortions have failed to pass the Senate, at the state and local level, 2011 has seen far more new restrictions placed on reproductive rights than in any previous year. Here are some of the laws now on the books:
Tsunami Debris Approaching U.S. #~# Debris from the Japanese tsunami in March is now approaching Hawaii and is predicted to hit the West Coast of the U.S. in three years. What do you think?
U.S. To Offer Tax Incentives To Companies That Do Not Openly Make World Worse At Every Turn #~# WASHINGTON—A growth-stimulus package introduced in Congress Thursday aims to provide tax incentives to companies that do not openly and unapologetically make the world a worse place than it already is. "We want to encourage American businesses not to commit blatantly destructive or fraudulent acts in plain sight where everyone can find out about them and get upset," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said. "We all understand that companies need to stay competitive: Maybe you had to cut a few corners on safety and accidentally released thousands of gallons of toxins into the water supply, or maybe you skillfully exploited regulatory loopholes to dupe your customers out of every dollar possible. That's okay. As long as you make a reasonable effort to cover it up, you're still eligible for this tax credit." According to congressional sources, companies that openly make the world worse can continue to apply for the same tax breaks they've always gotten.
Nation Finally Breaks Down And Begs Its Smart People To Just Fix Everything #~# WASHINGTON—Overwhelmed by the frustration of being utterly unable to solve any of the numerous difficult problems it faces, a worn-out nation finally broke down Thursday morning and begged its smart people to please just fix everything now.
Study Finds Every Style Of Parenting Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults #~# SANTA ROSA, CA—A study released by the California Parenting Institute Tuesday shows that every style of parenting inevitably causes children to grow into profoundly unhappy adults. "Our research suggests that while overprotective parenting ultimately produces adults unprepared to contend with life's difficulties, highly permissive parenting leads to feelings of bitterness and isolation throughout adulthood," lead researcher Daniel Porter said. "And, interestingly, we found that anything between those two extremes is equally damaging, always resulting in an adult who suffers from some debilitating combination of unpreparedness and isolation. Despite great variance in parenting styles across populations, the end product is always the same: a profoundly flawed and joyless human being." The study did find, however, that adults often achieve temporary happiness when they have children of their own to perpetuate the cycle of human misery.
John Madden Agrees To Work As Consultant For Raiders Concession Stand #~# OAKLAND, CA—As Raiders owner Mark Davis reaches out for advisers in the wake of his father Al Davis' death, the team's front office confirmed Tuesday that former coach John Madden has agreed to come back to Oakland and serve as a consultant for stadium concessions. "The Raiders have a lot of good pieces already in place—cheeseburgers, hot dogs, popcorn, ice cream—but I want to help them think of new opportunities," said Madden, holding a binder labeled "playbook" and smeared with nacho-cheese residue. "I mean, you've got all that butter and relish lying around and they're not even using their imagination. They've got two locations for burritos, which I love, but neither of them are sticking Italian sausages inside there. You take that sausage-stuffed burrito, wrap it in bacon, and deep-fry it—now you're talking about real stadium concessions." While expressing appreciation to Madden, who has lent his services free of charge, Raiders management admitted the former NFL analyst has cost the organization nearly $1,200 per day in food and food-prep labor.
MTV's Occupy Wall Street #~# MTV has put out a casting call for a member of the Occupy Wall Street protests to join its cast of The Real World. What do you think?
FDA Approves Putting Picture Of Trish On Cigarette Packs #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to accurately portray the risks of smoking tobacco, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved rules Wednesday that will require all cigarette packaging to bear a large warning label featuring a graphic image of Trish.
Another U.S. Downgrade Looming #~# Due to the inability of Congress to make any long-term budget fixes, experts are predicting another credit-rating downgrade for the United States. What do you think?
Paul Simon Wondering How One Goes About Getting A Column On 'The Huffington Post' #~# NEW YORK—According to sources, acclaimed singer-songwriter Paul Simon visited The Huffington Post website Tuesday and wondered aloud about what a person needs to do to get a column with the popular online publication. "So is this the kind of thing where they try you out for a few weeks and see how you do before letting you contribute regularly, or how does this work?" said the 13-time Grammy winner and 2001 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee. "Do I have to start a blog on my own first? Are you supposed to wait for them to approach you, or can you just go to them with an idea? I should see if I know anyone who has a connection over there. Oh, cool, Bradley Whitford has a blog." At press time, Simon had narrowed down the list of possible names for his column to "Paul's Posts" and "Simon Says."
This Sure Is A Spooky Time For The Economy #~# Greetings…it's your favorite dead-itorial writer, Paul "Bearer" Krugman, here to talk to you again about some rather, shall we say, chilling developments in the national economy. Ah, yes, it is a very dark and stormy night indeed for our financial system, dear readers, the kind of night that sends shivers up one's spine and sends the national unemployment rate soaring to nearly 10 percent. So curl up under your covers, and keep the candlelight close, because I will now tell a tale of economic woe so terrifying it may just make your hair stand on end.
Eli Manning Announces Second Down Is His Favorite Down #~# NEW YORK—In a postgame press conference Sunday, Giants quarterback Eli Manning told reporters that second is his favorite of all the downs. "There's too much pressure on first down, and third down—that's the worst down, because people get mad when you mess up your last chance," said Manning, adding that he does not often think about fourth down, but when he does, he "does not like it." "On second down, there's not so much pressure. You can just hang out in the pocket and do what you want without people yelling. I wish every down was second down." Manning later added that his other favorite down is actually when the opposing team has second down, because that's when literally nothing is expected of him.
Andy Reid Asks Sean Payton If He Is Going To Eat His Torn MCL #~# PHILADELPHIA—While recovering from injuries suffered in a sideline incident last Sunday, New Orleans head coach Sean Payton received a phone call from Andy Reid in which the Eagles coach expressed his wishes for Payton to heal quickly from the fractured tibia and torn MCL, and inquired as to whether or not Payton was going to eat the damaged ligament. "You rest up and make sure you're okay, now, and if you think that MCL is just going to sit around in your fridge, well, give me a call," said Reid, who also regaled Payton with descriptions of "this great spice rub, not too hot, really savory, perfect for connective tissues" that he'd found at a barbecue shack. "Lot of people think, yeah, an MCL's too tough, but you slow-cook one with say the right marinade and it's tender as you please. Though I figure, a busy head coach like you, probably no time to simmer one of your ligaments for 10 hours, so maybe you might want someone to take it off your hands…?" Payton reportedly told Reid he was planning on healing his MCL, then hung up as Reid was inquiring as to whether the knee would have to be amputated.
Town Seeks To Criminalize Walking And Biking #~# Officials in the town of Hull, WI are considering an ordinance requiring walkers and cyclists on certain roads to register their trips in advance. What do you think?
Newly Deployed Soldier Has Dreamed Of Fighting In Afghan War Since He Was Little Kid #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Recently deployed to participate in counterinsurgency operations outside of Kabul, 19-year-old Pvt. Robert Welsh told reporters Monday that for as long as he can remember, he has wanted to serve his country by fighting in Afghanistan. "My most vivid childhood memories are of seeing the war on TV and imagining one day I'd be able to grow up and come over here to fight for my country," said Welsh, who has followed the U.S. struggle against the Taliban for more than half his life and once spent recesses at school make-believing he and his fellow third-graders were fighting the war on terror. "I honestly never thought I'd get the chance to participate all these years later, but here I am." Welsh went on to say that while he doesn't want to get his hopes up, he remains cautiously optimistic that his own children will one day follow in his footsteps by fighting in Afghanistan.
Mitt Romney's Goal To Connect With One Voter By The Time This Is All Over #~# BELMONT, MA—While he is widely favored to win the Republican nomination for president next year, Mitt Romney told reporters Monday that deep down, what he truly wants is to actually establish a real, authentic connection with at least one voter before his campaign ends.
Republican Presidential Debate #~# Fox News
Mother's Little Angel Just Made Fun Of Classmate's Weight For 30 Straight Minutes #~# SMYRNA, GA—Eleven-year-old Dan Weisz, reportedly his mother's precious sweetheart, viciously ridiculed an overweight classmate for 30 minutes straight this morning on the Middlebury Elementary School playground. "You couldn't ask for a more loving, well-behaved boy," Donna Weisz said of the son who is the apple of her eye and whose tireless mockery of another boy’s body type during recess continued with such ruthless intensity that it appeared to be unimpeded by anything even approximating a human conscience. "Every day with him is such a special gift. His father and I feel truly blessed." By press time, mother's little angel had systematically broken down any remaining sense of self-worth his overweight classmate may have previously possessed.
Fox Launches 'We're Not Any Happier About This Than You Are' Campaign Promoting World Series #~# ST. LOUIS—Acknowledging this year's World Series lacks a compelling team and any real sense of drama, Fox rolled out ads for its coverage this week using the tagline "We're Not Any Happier About This Than You Are." "You don't have to tell us what a disappointment this is. We wasted hundreds of millions of dollars on the rights to broadcast up to seven games between two unlovable, unspectacular teams from moribund markets," Fox announcer Joe Buck says in one ad. "But it's going in the record books as a World Series. So if you're a baseball fan, you're pretty much obliged to watch Fox." To better reflect the current series, a line used in previous postseason advertisements, "Legends Are Born in October," has been reworked to "A Series of Bullpen Arms Will Be Shuttled in and out to Get Favorable Matchups in October."
Former 'Munsters' Star Butch Patrick To Write Autobiography On Word Processor Bought At Yard Sale #~# PHILADELPHIA—Butch Patrick, 58, a former child actor who appeared on television's The Munsters, has announced plans to write an autobiography on the word processor he just purchased for $11, yard sale sources confirmed Saturday.
Pop Goes the Wiesel #~# History
Making IndyCar Racing Safer #~# In response to the tragic death of Dan Wheldon, IndyCar Series officials are considering major safety changes for next year's races.
Lions, Tigers Killed In Ohio #~# After a man in Zanesville, OH released 56 exotic creatures—including lions, tigers, bears, and monkeys—and then took his own life, sheriff's deputies were forced to hunt down and in most cases kill the animals. What do you think?
Mom Can't Wait For Halloween Episode Of 'The Big Bang Theory' #~# GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Since Oct. 1, local mother of three Danielle Campbell has been beside herself in anticipation of the Halloween episode of the popular CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory, and has so far spent the month leading up to Halloween speculating about the plotline and romantic twist the episode might contain. "I wonder if Sheldon will dress as another science concept, like lasers," the 42-year-old woman who hasn't gone out for Halloween herself in two decades said with a giggle. "I hope they don't all dress up like the Flash again! But it was on that very same episode when Leonard and Penny kissed for the first time. Bazinga!" Campbell then scanned through her Big Bang Theory DVDs to comb them for information about possible candy allergies that might play a part in the episode.
Bears Somehow Proud Of Selves For Beating Vikings #~# CHICAGO—According to reports from within the Bears organization, pride has somehow been displayed by the team this week following its 39-10 home victory over the struggling 1-5 Vikings. "I thought we looked great out there," said head coach Lovie Smith, who for some reason praised his team's success in containing broken-down Vikings quarterback Donovan McNabb, passing for a mere 267 yards against one of the league's worst defenses, and defeating the last-place team in the NFC North. "And how about Devin Hester's 98-yard touchdown return?" added Smith, expressing pride in a third-quarter play that had no effect on the outcome of the game. Sources within the Bears organization said the team is also inexplicably proud of its 3-3 record this season, its 29th-ranked defense, and Brian Urlacher.
Nation Gathers Around Radio Set To Listen To Big Ball Game #~# WASHINGTON—After the little ones had finished up the last of their supper, moms had dashed out to get the last of the wash off the line before the sun set, and dads had quietly finished smoking their pipes behind the evening newspaper, eager citizens from coast-to-coast gathered around the radio set to listen to the big ball game between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Texas Rangers, sources in America's living rooms, dens, and parlors confirmed Wednesday.
Qaddafi Killed #~# Former Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi has reportedly been killed in or near his hometown of Sirte. What do you think?
New Dr Pepper Drink Aimed At Men #~# Dr Pepper Ten, a new diet soda from the Dr Pepper Snapple Group, is being marketed to men with the slogan "It's not for women." Here are some of the other ways the company is portraying the beverage's masculinity:
Report: 40,000 People Died On Ferris Wheels This Summer #~# NEW YORK— In its annual report of carnival and amusement park fatalities released Thursday, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration found that 40,000 riders lost their lives in Ferris wheel accidents during the summer of 2011. "Approximately 18,000 riders slipped out of their safety restraints and fell, suffering repeated traumas as they hit each spoke of the moving wheel on their way to the ground," said OSHA spokesperson Ben Simmons, who cited routine wear on the machines as the underlying cause of most fatalities. "We estimate 9,500 were engulfed in flames, 4,600 starved to death, and 17 fell victim to the Ferris Wheel Slasher, who is evidently still at large. Overall, Ferris wheel fatalities increased 6 percent from the summer of 2010." The report also listed 294 deaths from three separate incidents in which a Ferris wheel detached from its axle and rolled into other Ferris wheels.
Occupy Toronto #~# Following a three-hour discussion, participants in the Occupy Toronto movement took to the streets, marching from St. James Park to Dundas Square, and then back. What do you think?
New Decoy Website Launched To Lure Away All Moronic Internet Commenters #~# SAN JOSE, CA—With funding from dozens of news outlets and media companies, the groundbreaking Outkube.com launched this week, providing an online destination where pandering and incendiary content is used to lure moronic Internet commenters away from all other websites.
Antiques Sideshow #~# PBS
Rangers vs. Cardinals #~# The Fall Classic begins tonight with the Rangers making their second-ever Series appearance, this time against the talent-rich but often underperforming Cardinals. Here's what both teams must do to win:
California Doctors Endorse Marijuana Legalization #~# The California Medical Association reached an agreement this weekend calling for marijuana's legalization, which the group said would allow the drug to be prescribed with greater understanding. What do you think?
Cam Newton Leaves Panthers To Start Own Football Team #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Rookie quarterback Cam Newton delivered a statement Tuesday announcing his plans to move on from the Carolina Panthers so he can start his own independent professional football team. “I want to thank the Panthers for giving me the opportunity to play for them, but I would be denying myself the chance to reach my full potential if I stayed here,” said Newton, adding that he will be using a lot of what he learned over the past six weeks as he gets his franchise started. “I’ve hit my peak with this organization. This is something I need to do.” According to Newton, he has contacted wide receiver Steve Smith to play for him and head coach Ron Rivera to help design his new team’s website.
Management Determined To Find Out Who In Company Leaked Information That CEO Is Asshole #~# NEW YORK—Employees at software maker Rosgrove Inc. report they were harshly reprimanded Wednesday morning when executives demanded to know who leaked proprietary information confirming CEO Dan Murray is an asshole. "The fact that Mr. Murray is a callous son-of-a-bitch who has no idea what the fuck he's doing is the intellectual property of this company, and as such it is intended to remain within the organization," said Rosgrove communications director Donna Kremer, adding that management has launched a staff-wide investigation to find out how the press discovered Murray is a cocksucking piece of shit who's completely out of touch with reality. "If anyone has any information on who spoke to reporters about the backslapping, double-dealing fat fuck who heads this company, please let us know." Reached for comment, Murray denied he was an asshole and said employees were merely upset with his recent cost-cutting measures aimed at making quick, short-lasting improvements to the balance sheet so he can sell his stake in the company and comfortably retire before completely running the organization into the ground.
Federal Government To Reduce Madoff's Sentence If He Can Infiltrate U.S. Economy In 48 Hours And Turn It Around #~# NEW YORK—According to high-ranking federal officials, the U.S. government has struck an unusual bargain with convicted criminal Bernard Madoff, giving the former financier 48 hours to infiltrate the nation's crumbling economy and fix it in exchange for a reduction in his sentence.
Republican Coma Candidate Dominates GOP Debate #~# HANOVER, NH—Analysts are hailing the performance of candidate John Clarkson in last Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate as a clear victory for the former Colorado representative, who following a car crash eight years ago entered a coma from which he has yet to emerge. “The entire time he was on stage, Clarkson clearly displayed a level of poise, professionalism, and real charisma that, say, a Rick Perry or Mitt Romney simply fails to match,” said NPR commentator Cokie Roberts, adding that the hypnotic beeping noises of Clarkson’s life-support system offered an appealing contrast to Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 tax plan. “At no point did Clarkson stray from his central message, talk down to the audience, or commit any sort of glaring gaffe or tactical error, and I think that clearly set him apart from every other GOP hopeful.” While some blasted Clarkson after the debate for his silence on health care, other pundits praised his strategy, saying it is to the candidate’s advantage to let Mitt Romney get in as many words as possible on this issue.
Climate Change Causing Smaller Animals #~# According to researchers, warmer, drier climates are leading to smaller animals, which may disrupt the food chain. What do you think?
Man Unfortunately Sleeps Like Baby #~# YAKIMA, WA—According to frustrated family sources, 49-year-old Gene Dawson sleeps like a baby, waking up every few hours and needing to be held and soothed before he can fall back asleep. "I'll put him down after Leno most nights, but he's up two hours later because he wants to be fed again," Dawson's wife, Joyce, told reporters Tuesday. "If I'm lucky, I'll give him his bottle and he'll pass right out for the rest of the night. Usually, though, I'm up till dawn trying to get him to stop crying." At press time, Dawson was finally sleeping soundly and had begun to soil his pajamas.
Mom, I Want You To Meet The Girl Who Will One Day Make Me Put You In A Nursing Home #~# I've got some exciting news, Mom. You know how you're always telling me to stop fooling around and settle down with a nice girl? Well, guess what? I finally found her. She's my true love, the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, and I just know you're going to adore her.
Cleveland Browns Fan Beginning To Question His Future With Team #~# CLEVELAND—Local contractor and lifelong Browns fan Tim Rogan, 32, revealed in an interview Monday that he is beginning to seriously question his once promising future with the team. "Things started out so well, it almost seemed magical," said Rogan, reflecting on the first time he ever strapped  on a Cleveland Browns helmet and headed out to the backyard to pretend he was Bernie Kosar. "I've been trying to maintain my enthusiasm for the rebuilding phase they’ve been going through for the past 20 years, but right now I don't even understand what they're trying to do with the team. I feel as if guys like me aren't even a part of their thinking anymore." As of press time, the Jacksonville Jaguars had expressed interest in Rogan, saying a fan is exactly what their organization has been lacking for some time.
Dogtective #~# ABC
Man In Coma Enters GOP Race, Already Polling Ahead Of Romney #~# Onion News Network To Air Special Report Tomorrow Night
New Legislation Would Shut Down U.S. Education System, Give Each American Student $3,000 To Start Own Small Business #~# WASHINGTON—In what is being hailed as a simple and elegant solution to the nation's current employment and education crises, a bill introduced in Congress Monday would shutter U.S. schools and give each student $3,000 to start a small business. "Where our teachers have failed, we believe our markets can succeed," said bill co-sponsor Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), who told reporters the one-time expenditure on every American between the ages of 5 and 18 would force children to quickly develop the skills they need to survive in the free-enterprise system. "If a child has an idea for, say, a drywall-importing business or a firm that provides global outsourcing services, this plan lets that kid get started right away rather than bogging him down with years and years of expensive schooling." Supporters of the measure said it also incentivizes job creation by allowing former students to take out subsidized loans if they hire two or more out-of-work adults.
Cain's 9-9-9 Plan Would Cost Average Americans More #~# An analysis has shown Republican candidate Herman Cain's tax plan, which would levy a flat rate of 9 percent on all incomes, sales, and business profits, would cost average Americans substantially more than they pay now. What do you think?
Citizens Of Winnipeg Realize They Hate Hockey Now #~# WINNIPEG—After hosting the first game of the newly relocated Winnipeg Jets last week, Winnipeg residents realized they have actually lost all interest in hockey in the 15 years since they last had an NHL team and in fact now despise the sport. “It was nice of them to think of us when they were moving the team, but when we look back on all those years we watched this dumb sport, it’s just embarrassing,” said local man Bobby Dolan, cringing at the sight of a Jets logo. “I checked out about half a period before I realized how much better my life has been without hockey.” As of press time, the Winnipeg-based investors who bought the team had left the deed to their arena and all of their 23 players with a sleeping homeless man curled up on a sidewalk.
Leaf-Hunting Season Begins #~# PENACOOK, NH—Sportsmen throughout the region donned camouflage and readied their rifles and bows Monday, heralding the official opening of New Hampshire's 2011 leaf-hunting season.
Ryan Braun #~# The reliably clutch Brewers slugger is a perennial All-Star and a favorite for this year's National League MVP. Is he any good?
Ryan Braun #~# The reliably clutch Brewers slugger is a perennial All-Star and a favorite for this year's National League MVP. Is he any good?
Nation's Untalented Fast Wide Receivers Mourn Passing Of Only Employer #~# OAKLAND, CA—Shortly after Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis passed away last week, scores of the nation's incompetent but extremely fast wide receivers came forward to mourn the loss of their only employer. "I feel like the last of a generation," Raiders wideout Darrius Heyward-Bey told reporters Friday, stressing how proud he is to be part of a fraternity of lightning-quick but sloppy and stone-handed pass catchers drafted by Oakland who never panned out. "My heart really breaks for all the super-fast kids who can't catch in college and high school right now. Who will draft and ultimately wind up disappointed with them?" The Raiders announced that at halftime of Sunday’s game they will honor Davis for employing most of the NFL’s talentless speedsters over the past 25 years, with Heyward-Bey, Denarious Moore, Jacoby Ford, Louis Murphy, Arman Shields, Chaz Schilens, Johnnie Lee Higgins, Jonathan Holland, Kevin McMahan, Carlos Francis, Johnnie Morant, Doug Gabriel, Ryan Hoag, Ken-Yon Rambo, Jerry Porter, Dameane Douglas, Olanda Truitt, Raghib Ismail, Ron Lewis, Gary Gooden, Mike Alexander, and Larry Shephard all expected to participate. Tim Brown, the only talented fast wide receiver of the Davis era, will not be in attendance.
Report: All The Good Seashells Taken #~# CORAL GABLES, FL—According to a report released Monday by a group of environmental researchers, all the good seashells worth picking up and bringing home have already been taken, a development that threatens the very future of shell collection regionally.
Topeka Decriminalizes Domestic Violence #~# Following a dispute between city and county officials over who should pay to prosecute offenders, the Topeka City Council voted to decriminalize misdemeanor domestic violence. What do you think?
The Life And Times Of Al Davis #~# He was a coach, an owner, an executive who hired the league's first minorities in key positions, a vindictive boss, and a litigation-happy gadfly. We list the man's most notable moments in an effort to define Al Davis.
'85 Bears Visit To White House Marred By Former Players Tracking Dog Shit Everywhere #~# WASHINGTON—After waiting nearly 26 years to attend a White House ceremony in recognition of their Super Bowl XX victory, the 1985 Bears met with President Obama last week, a visit that was marred by the dog-shit-caked former Chicago players smearing feces all over the place. “I wanted to do something nice and finally honor the team, but this was a terrible mistake,” said Obama, adding that the entire West Wing now reeks of dog shit. “They somehow managed to get dog shit on the curtains, the walls, my desk, an oil painting of James K. Polk, and even the Bears jersey they presented to me. I really should have listened to my advisers on this one.” As of press time, White House officials confirmed that much of the supposed dog shit was actually human excrement belonging to retired quarterback Jim McMahon.
Handshake Comes In At Unusually High Angle, Velocity #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—During an introduction to another man at a party Friday night, local resident Mike Greenly was reportedly blindsided by a high-speed handshake that plunged in at an angle of nearly 90 degrees. "His hand initially rose above his head like he was going for a high-five, but then it pointed straight down and just dove like a hawk," said Greenly, explaining the steep angle resulted in his grasping the tips of only three fingers during the shake. "My hand actually flinched when I saw his hand coming." According to current estimates, a proper handshake should be delivered at an angle of plus-or-minus 5 degrees and with an average speed of 7 mph.
Sight Of Matt Millen On TV Simply Too Much For Nation’s Unemployed To Handle #~# BRISTOL, CT—The nation's 14 million unemployed persons experienced a combination of rage, disbelief, and near-suicidal depression after seeing former Lions CEO Matt Millen—long regarded as one of the most resoundingly incompetent failures in management history—working as a football analyst on Wednesday's SportsCenter.
The Demands Of Occupy Wall Street #~# As Occupy Wall Street enters its fifth week, its numbers are growing and the movement is beginning to take shape. Here are some of the protesters' demands:
Christie Endorses Romney #~# New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would support Mitt Romney's candidacy for president. What do you think?
Actor Sometimes Feels Silly Pretending To Be Someone Else #~# MALIBU, CA—Calling the process of acting as though you are someone you are not a "pretty ridiculous thing to do," actor Ed Harris, 60, admitted to reporters Tuesday that he frequently feels silly pretending to be another person.
Nation Waiting For Protesters To Clearly Articulate Demands Before Ignoring Them #~# NEW YORK—As the Occupy Wall Street protest expands and grows into a nationwide movement, Americans are eagerly awaiting a list of demands from the group so they can then systematically disregard them and continue going about their business, polls showed this week. “The protesters need to unify around a shared agenda with precise policy goals so I can begin paying no attention to them whatsoever,” said Tulsa, OK poll respondent Kaye Petrachonis, echoing the thoughts of millions across the country. “If they don’t have a clear power structure organized around specific demands first, then I’ll never be able to completely tune them out due to a political conflict of interest or an inability to comprehend complex, detailed economic concepts. These people really need to get their act together.” Once Occupy Wall Street has a concrete set of objectives in place, the majority of Americans said they would go back to waiting for the sluggish economy to recover while blindly accepting things the way they are.
'Joe The Plumber' Running For Congress #~# Samuel "Joe" Wurzelbacher, who came to prominence after questioning Barack Obama's economic policies during the 2008 presidential campaign, has filed papers to run for Congress in Ohio. What do you think?
Obama Seeks Approval Of 'Occupy Wall Street' Protestors By Punching Banker In The Face #~# Early Polls Indicate 44% of Respondents Saying "It's about damn time" and 32% Wishing For A Kick Instead of Punch
End Of Last Meals For Death Row Inmates Could Decimate Texas Restaurant Industry #~# AUSTIN, TX—Texas restaurant owners voiced concerns Friday over the recent decision of state prison officials to end last meals for death row inmates, claiming the ban would decimate a substantial portion of their industry's revenues. "How are dining establishments in this state supposed to stay afloat without their key customer base?" said Borboa's BBQ proprietor Tobey Barker, explaining that the Texas Department of Criminal Justice's food orders for those about to be executed accounted for 75 percent of restaurant business in the state. "Our places get a little bit of walk-in traffic on weekends, but let's face it, we're in the business of catering meals for individuals who will be dead in the morning." While the ban remains in effect, experts have predicted it is likely to be reversed once the decline in demand for sirloin steaks begins to draw ire from the formidable Texas beef lobby.
Lone Post On Jaguars Fan Message Board Requests Directions To Stadium #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—The only post on JagsBoard, a dedicated Jacksonville Jaguars fan page on which even spambots have not bothered to post, is an unanswered question from 2003 asking for help getting to the team’s stadium, sources confirmed Monday. “Can i just take 95 all the way down to Alltel Stadium or do i need to get off on the mlk parkway at some point?” wrote IBleedTeal, whose profile features a Mark Brunell quote and whose message board avatar image is the team helmet. “i know the Dolphins are beating up on the whole league but i wanna see Leftwich’s first start in person.” The writer of the post went on to explain he had extra tickets located in a luxury box suite at midfield that were free to anyone who wanted them.
U.S. Back On Top As Gas Prices Drop Slightly #~# WASHINGTON—With gasoline prices dropping a full 26 cents from where they were a month ago, a new era of confidence and hope washed over Americans this week, confirming the United States is once again the greatest nation in the world.
Fans Of Victorious Nobel Laureates Riot In Stockholm #~# STOCKHOLM—The annual announcement of Nobel Prize winners was once again marred by vandalism this year, with triumphant fans of the 2011 laureates mobbing Stockholm streets last week, breaking shop windows and setting bonfires as they celebrated remarkable achievements in economics, physics, medicine, and other disciplines. “Fuck yeah, rapidly solidified alloys shown by means of electron diffraction to possess icosahedral symmetry—a little phenomenon known as quasicrystallinity, bitches!” said one chemistry fan who helped overturn a parked car as a mob chanted the name of prizewinner Daniel Shechtman. “Number one, motherfuckers!” Nobel officials said this year’s rioting is Stockholm’s worst since 1971, when Chilean poet Pablo Neruda’s prize for literature sparked three days of bloody unrest that left 19 dead.
Saudi Women Receive Husbands' Explicit Permission To Celebrate Right To Vote #~# RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In the wake of the watershed decision granting them the right to vote in the 2015 elections, Saudi women have received their husbands' explicit consent to rejoice, sources reported Wednesday. "It is with great pride that women all across Saudi Arabia have been allowed to leave their homes under the guardianship of a male relative and celebrate this cultural landmark," father of four Khalid al-Kazaz told reporters. "It brings us great pleasure to permit them a few moments in which to smile beneath their hijabs before returning to their daily duties." Saudi officials followed the announcement with another historic decree that lowered from 10 to 7 the number of lashes that will be administered to women who drive themselves to the voting booth.
Texas Pastor Calls Mormonism Cult #~# After introducing Gov. Rick Perry during a campaign stop, megachurch pastor Robert Jeffress drew criticism when he referred to Mormonism as a cult. What do you think?
The Ecstasy Of Defeat #~# The Onion's new compendium of sportswriting, The Ecstasy Of Defeat, was released in bookstores everywhere Oct. 11. Is it any good?
I'm Moving This Miserable Periodical To The Yukon #~# Disturbing reports have been reaching my bronze ear-horn over the past few weeks concerning the goings-on at the many Eastern sea-board offices of The Onion news-paper. Evidently, if accounts from my disgustingly subservient dogsbodies in management are to be believed, the constant rustle of news-print and scratch of fountain-pen nibs has been punctuated by the murmur of pleasant conversation and, in many cases, outright laughter among staffers. It seems the foul cancer known to some pansy-sniffing modern types as High Morale has taken root at the very paper I killed six men to establish, despite my undertaking every effort to ensure the opposite!
Nation's Brothers-In-Law Know Exactly What They Want For Christmas #~# EVERYWHERE—The country's brothers-in-law released a statement Tuesday announcing their unparalleled desire to receive an expertly written, tangible anthology of sports and sports-culture journalism for Christmas. "We want the best of both the writing and publishing worlds, priced within the affordable and certainly reasonable $21 to $23 range," read the statement, which added that paying the full, as-advertised price would serve as the best way to compensate the overwhelmingly deserving authors of such a publication. "This book would not only make us very happy on a momentous holiday, but would also add meaning to our otherwise insubstantial familial bond, which could then be reinforced further by presenting us with a second copy of the same book, just in case something were to happen to our all-important original copy." Thus far, the only product to meet the brothers-in-law's well-reasoned and plausible standards is the Onion Sports' new Ecstasy Of Defeat, now on sale for the full, as-advertised price of $21.99 wherever fine books are sold.
Nestlé Creates Ad For Dogs #~# Nestlé aired a pet food ad on Austrian television that consisted of blips and high-pitched noises meant to attract dogs. What do you think?
Jets Offensive Line Signs Up For Continuing Education Class On Pass Blocking #~# NEW YORK—Sources close to the Jets offensive line confirmed the players have enrolled in a continuing education course on pass blocking, attending their first class Monday at Hunter College to receive basic instruction on quarterback protection. “We are all learning a lot, and our teacher, Mr. Muñoz, is really nice and knows what he’s talking about, even if he’s kind of old,” said left guard Vlad Ducasse, adding that he learned just today that a lineman doesn’t have to wait for a defensive player to touch him before attempting to block. “I never thought about pad level before, but it seems pretty important. We also worked on doing this pass-blocking stance where we bend our knees and keep our backs straight and lift up our arms. It’s hard because it feels more natural and less tiring to just let your arms hang at your side.” Although a few Jets offensive linemen said they were learning valuable skills and techniques that could help improve their careers, the majority agreed that pass blocking wasn’t for them.
New Bipartisan Law Would Make Dog Neckerchiefs Mandatory #~# WASHINGTON—Cutting short its Columbus Day recess, Congress held a special emergency session this weekend to push through comprehensive legislation requiring every dog in the United States to wear a neckerchief, with both parties hailing the outcome as a "major step forward for the nation" and "downright adorable."
Detroit Unveils New Half-Ton, 400 Horsepower Motown Singer #~# DETROIT—At a gala ceremony in the heart of the city’s downtown, Detroit’s civic and business leaders unveiled a new half-ton, 400-horsepower Motown singer Thursday that promises safety, reliability, and soulful, unmistakable melodies. “This fully loaded 1,000-pound tenor with deep gospel roots is what Detroit does best,” said Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers president Mitch Bainwol, showing off the performer’s rugged, road-ready construction and rhythm section with optional funk features. “It’s a dual-exhaust harmonizing machine with full horn accompaniment and superior torque-handling ability guaranteed to churn out dazzling radio singles as well as the occasional politicized street anthem.” At press time, the hybrid-electric singer’s first attempts in the studio had been postponed until engineers can fix whatever is making that rattling noise.
New Study Finds Link Between Cancer, Reading Text On Computer Screen #~# ATLANTA—A new study released Monday by the Centers for Disease Control has found a direct link between a particularly aggressive strain of ocular cancer and reading text on a computer screen. “We’ve found that reading a headline followed by three or four sentences on a computer screen will result in a malignant brain tumor 97 percent of the time,” said researcher Jason Lofton, adding that even scanning a phrase modifying the name of a source can rapidly accelerate the cancer’s metastasis. “We’ve discovered that news stories with more than three commas are particularly bad, and readers should avoid compound sentences at all costs.” The study also concluded that the disease is treatable if caught early, unless one encounters the sort of icon that indicates the end of a news article, in which case there is no cure.
Area Man Somehow Endures Harrowing Entertainment-Free Commute #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Despite having no access to personal entertainment technology or media stimulation of any kind, 33-year-old Jeff Vali somehow withstood his entire harrowing 30-minute train commute Friday. “I wasn’t scared at first, but I started freaking out when I fully realized what was happening,” said a stunned Vali, who told reporters he had dashed out the door and left his iPod on the counter. “I still had my Kindle, but it went dead last week and I forgot to charge it. I tried to keep calm by reading the newspaper of the guy standing next to me, but I couldn’t get close enough to make out more than one or two big headlines. Even the ads on the train were all boring community college stuff. Eventually I realized I was going to be trapped with nothing but my thoughts for the next half-hour. It was horrifying.” Vali told reporters he managed to survive his ordeal by humming “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” and sifting through the contents of his wallet.
Everybody Shocked Body Found In Woods Not Justin #~# CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Stunned friends and acquaintances expressed disbelief after learning that a corpse discovered in the woods the early Saturday morning was not Justin.
Bowling Birthday Party Enters 5th Agonizing Hour #~# MANCHESTER, CT—According to bored and increasingly irritated sources currently sitting at lane 8 of Manchester Family Bowl, Nick Morwood’s fourteenth birthday party has now dragged on into a fifth excruciating hour. “Another game? You can’t be serious,” said Will Meaker, 12, noting with great annoyance that Morwood had just entered a set of new ridiculous nicknames into the computer. “And we haven’t even done cake and gifts yet. Ugh, this is never going to end.” At press time, a fed-up Meaker groaned as the party was extended further by an attendant who spent several minutes dislodging a pin with a broomstick.
Nation's Sports Fans Demand To Spend $21.99 On Something #~# UNITED STATES—In cities across the nation, thousands of sports fans rallied together this weekend to demand the world provide them with something to purchase for $21.99, ideally something that would offer immediate enjoyment in addition to providing long-term keepsake value. "We’re tired of waiting around with our 22 disposable dollars, and we insist upon spending this money on a sports-related item," local man Peter Kearsley said to a gathering of several thousand fans in Sandusky, OH, where a rally was organized through one of several hundred blogs and Facebook pages created in the past 24 hours and dedicated to things available for sports fans at a retail price of around $22. "We are no longer satisfied with shirts, hats, and bumper stickers. There must be something, anything, that can both inform and entertain sports fans nationwide." At press time,  The Ecstasy Of Defeat, The Onion's first-ever collection of sports reporting, was available for prepurchase at bookstores and online retailers for $21.99 or less.
Shaken Secretary Of Transportation Reduces Speed Limit To 5 MPH After Witnessing Accident #~# WASHINGTON—Still reeling from having witnessed a brutal five-car pileup Thursday on I-495, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has authorized the reduction of the federal speed limit to five miles per hour, effective immediately. "There was just twisted metal everywhere, and this one guy had blood all over the side of his face and the paramedics kept telling him to stay awake—it was so bad, you don't even know," said a trembling LaHood, adding that if Americans had seen what he just saw, they would think twice about ever getting behind the wheel again. "People forget that cars are these big, heavy, fast-moving things that can just utterly destroy you. Make the slightest mistake at 65 mph and you could end up dead in an instant. Literally an instant." LaHood later stated Americans should drive only when absolutely necessary because they definitely don't want to end up like that one guy.
NBC Cancels 'Playboy Club' #~# After airing three episodes, NBC is dropping its retro series The Playboy Club, making it the first cancellation of the TV season. What do you think?
The Great Sports Books #~# To mark the publication of The Ecstasy Of Defeat, The Onion takes a look at the proud tradition of sports literature.
Vikings Sticking With McNabb Because They Hate Him #~# MINNEAPOLIS—In a press conference Thursday, Minnesota head coach Leslie Frazier made it clear Donovan McNabb would remain the team’s quarterback for the foreseeable future, as Frazier and every other person in the Vikings organization completely despises the 12-year veteran and enjoys nothing more than seeing him fail. "Yes, we're 0-4, but starting Donovan McNabb is still what's best for the team and worst for his health and well-being," said Frazier, going so far as to add there is no other player in the entire NFL he'd rather see losing games for the Minnesota Vikings. "We know Christian Ponder is the QB of the future, but don't think this is about protecting him. This is about watching Donovan McNabb suffer." Despite his firm stance on the team’s starting quarterback, Frazier admitted he was hopeful Ponder would see action on the field this year after McNabb suffers a career-threatening injury.
Apple User Acting Like His Dad Just Died #~# BOSTON—Calling the death a “tragic loss” and saying he was “truly devastated by the news,” self-described Apple product loyalist Eric Cavanaugh is treating the passing of the company’s former CEO Steve Jobs as if his fucking dad just died, sources confirmed Thursday. “I can’t believe it,” said Cavanaugh, 28, wearing a saddened expression that would make you think he was mourning the loss of his 61-year-old father, Jack, and not a complete goddamn stranger. “He meant a lot to me, and I’ll miss him. I think I might send an e-mail to rememberingsteve@apple.com [instead of contacting the man he hasn’t talked to in a month who helped him with his homework, paid his college tuition, and has supported him throughout his entire life, loving him unconditionally despite his myriad fuckups].” At press time, Cavanaugh reportedly needs to get his fucking priorities straight.
Andy Rooney Stepping Down #~# Longtime 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney made his final appearance on the show Sunday. Here are some quotes from his storied career:
Last American Who Knew What The Fuck He Was Doing Dies #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Steve Jobs, the visionary co-founder of Apple Computers and the only American in the country who had any clue what the fuck he was doing, died Wednesday at the age of 56. “We haven’t just lost a great innovator, leader, and businessman, we’ve literally lost the only person in this country who actually had his shit together and knew what the hell was going on,” a statement from President Barack Obama read in part, adding that Jobs will be remembered both for the life-changing products he created and for the fact that he was able to sit down, think clearly, and execute his ideas—attributes he shared with no other U.S. citizen. “This is a dark time for our country, because the reality is none of the 300 million or so Americans who remain can actually get anything done or make things happen. Those days are over.” Obama added that if anyone could fill the void left by Jobs it would probably be himself, but said that at this point he honestly doesn’t have the slightest notion what he’s doing anymore.
Steve Jobs Dead #~# Apple announced on its website yesterday that company founder Steve Jobs had died. What do you think?
Nervous American Voters Worried About Botching Another Election #~# WASHINGTON—According to a Rasmussen poll released Thursday, nearly all American voters share a deeply held fear of botching another election in 2012, with the majority admitting that selecting candidates suitable for public office is something they are just not very good at.
Obama Not Sure How To Handle Compliment #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—During an appearance at a town hall meeting Monday to discuss the economic recovery, President Barack Obama reportedly seemed unsure how to respond to an earnest compliment from a man in attendance. "Now, hold on a second, let's consider the financial situation I inherited from my predecessor," a defensive Obama shot back before realizing local resident Bill Rhett's comment, "You're doing a fine job, Mr. President," was not intended to be sarcastic or denigrating in any way. "Oh, um, sorry. I mean…I mean thank you. Thank you for your support." White House sources said that in the days since receiving the compliment, the president has frequently stopped whatever he was doing, shaken his head in amazement, and smiled as he repeated the words "A fine job, Mr. President."
Koch Brothers Made Illegal Sales To Iran #~# Bloomberg News reported Monday that billionaire brothers Charles and David Koch illegally used German and Italian subsidiaries to sell oil equipment to Iran, a nation classified by the U.S. as a sponsor of global terrorism. What do you think?
Umpire Asks Catcher To Move Up A Little #~# MILWAUKEE—Home plate umpire Marvin Hudson asked Brewers catcher Jonathan Lucroy to move forward “just a little” during the second inning of Sunday's NLDS game so that Hudson could have some more room and see better, nearby sources reported. “I’m getting a little cramped back here, so could you scootch up a bit?” Hudson reportedly whispered while gently nudging Lucroy in his lower back. “Little more. Little more. Little more. Little back. There. That’s perfect.” Both Hudson and Lucroy stood up and reevaluated their positions when, after an ensuing pitch, they realized they had ended up 5 feet in front of home plate.
‘Layoffs Are Necessary If We Want To Keep The Lights On,’ Says CEO Halfway Through Tasting Menu #~# PHILADELPHIA—As the fifth plate of his 10-course, $150 prix fixe tasting menu dinner was carefully placed on the manicured table in front of him, Kohl-Strauss Media Group CEO Tom Byatt reportedly told a colleague Tuesday that in order for the company to stay afloat in this adverse economic climate, staff layoffs would likely be necessary.
New NPR Head Comes From 'Sesame Street' #~# National Public Radio announced Sunday that its new CEO would be Gary Knell, CEO of the Sesame Workshop, home of Sesame Street. What do you think?
Apple: New iPhone Good #~# ‘You Should Buy It’ CEO Says
No Matter How Much You Protect Your Kids, Sooner Or Later One Of Them's Going To Drown In A Swimming Pool #~# As parents, the responsibility to keep our children safe is an obligation we all take very seriously. Our homes are fortified with baby gates and monitors, outlet covers and drawer locks, every safety gizmo under the sun—and yet, when our child gets a tiny boo-boo on her knee, we still feel that twinge of guilt for letting it happen. But the truth is, there's only so much even the best mommies and daddies can do for their kids. Like it or not, it's only a matter of time before one of your children drowns in a swimming pool.
Sports Fan Digs Deep, Finds Something To Complain About #~# FRANKLIN, WI—Though the Green Bay Packers solidly defeated the Chicago Bears by 10 points Sunday, Packers fan Randy LaBelle reached into the depths of his being after the victory to bitch about the team's inconsistency when converting third downs and missed red-zone opportunities. "It's nice that we were able to run the ball against the Bears' defense, but we get so conservative at the end of games and let teams hang in there," said LaBelle, who also noted that the Packers gave up more than 300 yards through the air on the way to their 27-17 victory. "And why is McCarthy giving the ball to Starks when Ryan Grant is clearing running way better. We should be beating every team by at least 17 points. Jesus Christ." LaBelle reportedly spent the offseason complaining about the Packers' dropped passes and poor choice of run plays during their Super Bowl victory.
No more kids #~# "Another couple billion children might not be the best idea at this point," - Human Race
Boardwalk Con Men Hit Hard By Sharp Decrease In Chumps #~# ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—According to a survey of confidence men released Tuesday, limited economic growth in the United States has led to a severe decline in the number of chumps, marks, and suckers ripe for the picking on the boardwalk. "A stagnant economy like this, I can't get no one interested in the same old grift," local sharpie Johnny Three-Cards said between unsuccessful attempts to hustle passersby into a pigeon drop. "On a good day, I reel in two, maybe three, patsies, tops. I honestly ain't had a halfway decent swindle since that busload of rubes was up here from Nashville in June." The survey also suggested that unless the economy soon showed signs of generating the disposable income required to sustain their flimflams, the whole lot of 'em was going to pull up stakes and take it down to Florida, where the chumps are a dime a dozen.
Occupy Wall Street Growing #~# Last week, Occupy Wall Street, the movement attempting to shine a light on corporate excess and greed, was joined by United Airlines pilots, Metropolitan Transit Authority workers, and Michael Moore. What do you think?
NHL Not Quite Sure Why It Has A Preseason #~# NEW YORK—With the NHL preseason heading toward its conclusion, players, coaches, and managers wondered aloud Monday why they were even bothering with exhibition games. "Don't we have eight months of games to play to get the rust knocked off?" Commissioner Gary Bettman said. "It’s not like any of these games are any good until the playoffs, anyway." An official statement from the league office declared, in part, that the exasperation with the preseason had nothing to do with the total October attendance figure of 137.
Civilization To Hold Off On Having Any More Kids For A While #~# 'Let's Just See How We're Doing In A Few Years' Humanity Decides
Ryan Fitzpatrick #~# After leading the Bills to a 3-0 record, this journeyman quarterback from a small, unheralded school has everyone's attention. Is he any good?
Man Strains To Find Personalities In Pet Fish #~# GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits to his seven tropical fish. "This guy here, he's a bit of a loner," Ferguson told reporters Sunday, pointing at a fish who was, at that moment, swimming in a different part of the tank than the other six fish. "And that fish over there, he can be kind of a jerk." At press time, Ferguson was poring over different varieties of fish-food flakes at his local pet store while explaining to a clerk that each of his fish was an "extremely picky eater."
What Man Thinks Is Recycling Takes City Workers 2 Hours A Day To Sort #~# NEW YORK—City sanitation experts confirmed yesterday that the supposed “recycling” of Manhattan resident Ron Klauff was in fact a conglomeration of various recyclable and nonrecyclable refuse that takes city workers an average of two hours and 288 gallons of water to sort and clean each week. “These days, being eco-aware is more important than ever,” said Klauff, filling a plastic shopping bag with a mixture of yogurt containers, wire hangers, and broken electronics that a civil servant will later have to sift through in the middle of the night. “You have to do your part, even if that means gathering all of your soda cans and stacking them neatly inside your pizza boxes.” Because Klauff is the only New York resident who does not carefully sort and separate his recyclables, officials are considering just tossing everything he throws out into a landfill.
Longtime Coffee Shop Employee Thought Customers Would Care More About His Last Day #~# DENVER—Barista Andrew Fulton was reportedly underwhelmed Friday by the customer response to his final day at St. Mark's Coffeehouse, saying that after his four years of service, he had thought patrons would be more emotionally invested in his departure.
Cake Boss #~# TLC
Radio DJ Invites Whole Town To Some Bullshit #~# TULSA, OK—According to an on-air announcement, KWPA disc jockey Johnny the Radio Bomb is inviting the entire populace of Greater Tulsa to some bullshit or other happening this Sunday.  The bullshit, which is taking place in the parking lot of Kirk's Mattress Warehouse off the Broken Arrow Expressway and may or may not be in a tent, will feature free hot dogs, an unbearable local blues-rock band, a bunch of other bullshit, and an appearance by Johnny the Radio Bomb himself. "Everyone's welcome," the Radio Bomb said as he cued up "Feels Like The First Time" and "Juke Box Hero" for a Twofer Tuesday rock-block. "Hop on down to [the bullshit] between two and five." In addition to picking up bullshit bumper stickers and stupid-ass balloons for the kids from the KWPA Prize Patrol, visitors can register to win a 2012 Toyota Corolla.
Scientists Create Lightest Material #~# A group of scientists in California has created a new material that is 100 times lighter than Styrofoam. What do you think?
54 Iraqis Die In Not Our Problem Anymore #~# BAGHDAD—A series of massive explosions ripped through a crowded central Baghdad market on Friday, killing at least 54 Iraqi citi­zens in not our problem anymore.
Tommy Santiago And Joni Wills #~# After 12 years of sitting on the fence, it turns out a pretty good Groupon deal on a banquet hall was the little push Tommy Santiago and Joni Wills needed to finally tie the knot.
Even Annoying Twentysomething Shits Like Me Deserve To Have A Future #~# While the Declaration of Independence guarantees each of us the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, today's economic uncertainty has kept those sacred rights out of reach for many of our newest college graduates. Not long ago, all Americans, regardless of how young and unbearably irritating they were, could count on having a chance to make a good lives for themselves.
How To Turn Down A Dare Graciously #~# Sometimes, when you find yourself being challenged to do things you're not comfortable with, a social situation can turn awkward. Here's how you can deflect such pressures and turn down a dare without losing face:
'Please Stop Calling Me Big Baby,' Says Glen 'Pencil Dick' Davis #~# BOSTON—Irked that a reporter had once again referred to him as "Big Baby" while asking him a question about the NBA lockout, Boston Celtics center Glen "Pencil Dick" Davis lashed out at fans and the media Monday for continuing to call him by his renounced nickname. "I understand people like calling me 'Big Baby' and all that, but it really bothers me, and it's demeaning," Pencil Dick said. "I just don't think 'Big Baby' defines me at all, not anymore. If anything, you should call me Big [Pencil Dick] or Mr. [Pencil Dick]. Even [Pencil Dick] would be fine." None of Davis' teammates could be reached for comment, including Kevin "The Big Fuckface" Garnett.
U.S. Adds 4 Million Jobs But In St. Louis #~# WASHINGTON—The Labor Department reported Monday that the U.S. economy created a staggering 4 million jobs in October, though government officials hastened to add that the new positions are all located in the St. Louis metropolitan area. "New employment opportunities are emerging in the fields of engineering, medicine, and manufacturing, but, to be clear, one would have to move to and live in St. Louis to fill these openings," said government spokesperson Stephanie Bergsen, noting that the city has a high crime rate and not much in the way of culture, so be sure to take that into consideration. "Though this much- needed job growth would bring our unemployment rate down to a far more manageable six and a half percent, at the end of the day, it's St. Louis, so…" Republicans strategists are reportedly already planning to use President Obama's record of creating 4 million jobs in St. Louis as the basis for numerous attack ads.
Canada Keeps Marijuana Illegal #~# Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper announced last week he would not decriminalize and tax marijuana, despite calls to do so from the current mayor and four former mayors of Vancouver. What do you think?
Wife Unfazed By Husband's Sad E-Mails To Other Women #~# SPOKANE, WA—After stumbling upon several pathetic, mostly one-way e-mail correspondences between her husband and other women, local real estate agent Gertrude Tisch said Monday she did not feel particularly threatened by the discovery, and actually held a certain amount of pity for her 22-year partner in marriage. "I'd say about 90 percent of the e-mails I found are just Greg trying to confirm receipt of his last message, because he hasn’t heard back from the woman yet," said Tisch, adding that she has half-entertained the idea of creating a fake account and writing him back herself, just to boost his spirits a little. "Then there's the e-mail to his high school crush where she wrote back saying she didn't remember who he was. I found a few attempted starts of a reply in his drafts folder, but the poor guy must have lost heart after a couple paragraphs.” While Tisch admitted she should probably feel more upset about her husband reaching out to other women, she said such concerns have been more than outweighed by the amazing sex she's been having with her boss for the past six months.
Old-Fashioned No-Water Practice Gets High School Diving Coach Fired #~# GRANT, NE—Perkins County High School diving coach Tony Spencer was fired Friday for what he called an "old-fashioned no-water practice," a drill that left three swimmers dead and several others in intensive care. "If you can dive into a pool with no water, imagine what you can do with a pool that has water," the 72-year-old Spencer said as he was led to a police car, adding that the "old-school" practice was meant to weed out those who want to be divers from those who aren't serious about the sport. "Those kids who are still breathing? They'll thank me in a couple years when they're wearing gold medals around their mostly healed necks." During his arraignment Saturday, dozens of Spencer's former divers, many of whom were confined to wheelchairs and unable to breathe without a ventilator, showed up to the courthouse to support their coach and thank him for molding them into the men they are today.
Record Sales Expected For Cyber Monday #~# Cyber Monday, the first Monday after the Thanksgiving holiday, is expected to bring in record online sales this year. What do you think?
Nation's 10-Year-Old Boys: 'If You See Someone Raping Us, Please Call The Police' #~# 'Doesn't Matter Who, Doesn't Matter Where,' Children Say
Dolphins vs. Cowboys #~# The Dolphins visit Dallas for the traditional Cowboys Thanksgiving game. Here's how these teams could make this super-70s matchup watchable:
Budget Super Committee A Bust #~# Tasked with finding $1.2 trillion worth of deficit cuts to be spread over the next 10 years, the budget super committee in Congress announced this week it had failed to reach a compromise. What do you think?
Russian Hackers Target Water Supply #~# A water pump in Illinois was damaged when hackers took control of it earlier this month. What do you think?
U.S. Births Drop Again #~# The number of births in the United States dropped for the third consecutive year in 2010, with birthrates in many age groups hitting an all-time low. What do you think?
Prescription: Bedtime #~# CBS
Area Ford Taurus Thinks It Could've Made It In NASCAR If It Had Started Earlier #~# FREMONT, IN—Calling the stock cars in NASCAR "not all that special," a local used 2002 Ford Taurus told reporters Monday it could have made it onto the professional circuit had it started racing when it was younger. "If your owner has you racing from the day you come off the lot, it's not a guarantee you'll make it pro, but you certainly have an advantage over most cars," said the dark red Taurus with 88,000 miles and a small dent near the passenger door handle. "I was always naturally talented, but that talent needed to be honed and finessed. If I'd been at the track from day one I'd be talking to you from the Brickyard 400 right now instead of this driveway in the suburbs, that's for sure." Upon completing its statement, the Taurus was started by its 74-year-old owner, Sue Hampton, left to warm up for a couple minutes, and driven down to the outlet mall.
Smooth Transaction At DMV Exaggerated Into Story Anyway #~# ALBANY, NY—Though he spent no more than 20 minutes at the Department of Motor Vehicles Tuesday getting his driver's license renewed, Dan Nesbitt, 27, decided to embellish his experience anyway, saying he was mistakenly given the wrong form to fill out, the guy in front of him took "forever," and the person behind the counter wasn't exactly helpful, either. "That place is unbelievable," said Nesbitt, who didn't have to wait more than five minutes for his number to be called and successfully left the DMV with the one thing he came in for. "And God help you if you don't walk in there with nine different forms of identification." As of press time, Nesbitt could not be reached for comment due to the "fucking typical" lack of tellers available at the bank.
Burger King Introduces New Thing To Throw In Front Of Kids After Another Hellish Day At Work #~# MIAMI—Fast-food chain Burger King held a press conference Tuesday to unveil the newest thing on its menu for parents to halfheartedly throw in front of their kids' faces after yet an-other hellish day at the office. "Whether they're too exhausted to prepare the simplest meal or just want something for their kids to chew on quietly in the backseat so they can enjoy the first 10 minutes of peace and quiet they've had all day, parents will love this new thing," said senior vice president Alex Macedo, adding that the thing will also come in barbecue flavor. "It's hot, basic sustenance in a wrapper, and it's perfect for kids whose parents are glumly sifting through bills or wearily going over paperwork for tomorrow's 9 a.m. meeting." Macedo added that the new item will also come with a stupid little toy thing that should keep kids occupied for at least another 15 minutes.
High Integrity, Moral Decency Has Cost Idiot Man Millions #~# CHARLESTON, SC—With its firm grounding in honesty, loyalty to friends, and a strong  spirit of generosity, the asinine ethical code of Kevin Premus has cost the 42-year-old idiot millions of dollars over the years, reports confirmed Friday.
America's Great Interstate Rest Stops #~# A&E
Eagles Having Postmodernist Short-Storybook Season #~# PHILADELPHIA—With a complete lack of ordered structure, a highly compromised cast of characters lacking a true protagonist, and no coherent resolution in sight, the Eagles—who began the season widely heralded as the best team in football—are enduring a postmodernist short-storybook season. “Taken as one body of work, the disjointed and almost halting series of vignettes that is the ordeal of the Eagles’ weekly games—the empty victories, the shattering losses, and the sense that nothing good or pure can survive it all—is, in the best and bleakest traditions of postwar literature, compelling almost in spite of its inherent despair,” said critic Michiko Kakutani, writing about the Eagles’ “gorgeously incoherent chronicle of desperation and futility” in a review for The New York Times. “That they still have an outside chance of winning the NFC East adds just the right touch of meaningless, ultimately destructive hope to the whole narrative. Recommended.” Kakutani also took time to deride the as-yet undefeated Green Bay Packers’ season as “a barely credible litany of unattainable flawlessness showcasing the worst aspects of the American male-power fantasy.”
Team Unsure Of What Fans Mean By 'Go!' #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying the command was not very specific and lacked any real substance, confused members of the Carolina Panthers football team were forced to call a timeout Sunday so they could try to figure out what their fans meant by "Go!" "Did they think we might stop playing the game or something? Because we weren't going to do that. We're under contract," quarterback Cam Newton told reporters, adding that fans should be a little more clear next week in terms of what they want. "I don't think they were telling us to go in a specific direction, either. Like forward or to the left or something. Overall, it was just really frustrating." Following the press conference, the Panthers had a team meeting, assumed the fans wanted them to leave North Carolina, and moved the franchise to Los Angeles.
Report: Majority Of Americans Experience Profound Sense Of Dread When Asked To Name Favorite Music #~# PHILADELPHIA—A new study from the University of Pennsylvania revealed Wednesday that 81 percent of Americans experience muscle tension, elevated heart rate, and profuse sweating when asked what kind of music they most enjoy listening to. "I got so nervous I ended up just blurting out, 'Ween,' and sure, they're fine, but I have no idea why that was the first thing out of my mouth," said 28-year-old Richard Rowe, a participant in the study in which a request to specify even one genre preference induced stress levels seldom observed outside of military combat zones. "Then I muttered something about liking 'a lot '70s guitar stuff.' I hope that didn't make me sound lame." The doctors conducting the study recommended that people confronted with the question in real life should answer, "Yes, I like music," and then quickly walk away.
China Uneasy About American Troop Deployment #~# A recent American plan to place 2,500 Marines in Australia has fanned tensions between the United States and China. What do you think?
More Vegetables Evolving Chocolate-Sauce-Filled Centers As Evolutionary Imperative #~# AMES, IA—Leading agriculturalists reported Wednesday that many vegetables, including carrots, eggplants, and zucchini are evolving rich, creamy chocolate centers in order to ensure their survival as a species. "A crop must adapt to changes in the food-consumption environment and develop traits that encourage the plant's cultivation and consumption," said Professor Gavin Tibald of Iowa State Univer-sity, showing off a recently discovered variety of beet that releases carbonated sugar water when its skin is pierced. "If a species doesn't entice farmers and consumers with an ooey, gooey goodness, it will die off and be replaced by a plant that does." A similar phenomenon was observed last year when Danish fishermen discovered a species of scallop that appeared to have perpetuated itself by growing a thick layer of bacon around its body.
NHL's Critics Find No Evidence That Penalty Box Reforms Players #~# TORONTO—After performing an in-depth 15-year study of professional hockey penalties, penalization practices, and the behavior of penalized players, independent hockey-law reform group JustIce concluded this week that the NHL's use of the penalty box does "absolutely nothing whatsoever" in the long term to deter players from committing violations.
NFL Searching For Any Unused Harbaughs #~# NEW YORK—After noting the respectable performance of Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh and the excellent record of San Francisco 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh, the National Football League announced Tuesday it is actively seeking any and all Harbaughs currently not in use. “If we could find maybe three or four more Harbaughs, we could replace at least one of the Whisenhunts, Turners, and Sparanos we’re making do with now,” a statement from the league read in part. “The NFL is prepared to offer a hefty finder’s fee to anyone able to locate adult male Harbaughs of decent condition who can speak English and identify a regulation football.” NFL sources said the only person to answer the inquiry, an Africa-American male who became agitated when asked to produce proof of his Harbaughness, was almost certainly former Minnesota Vikings coach Denny Green in disguise.
Only Time Employee Has Ever Done Job Is When Training Replacement #~# SPRINGFIELD, MO—While training his replacement on his final day of work Thursday, outgoing warehouse shipping worker Ben Worthen, 29, reportedly performed the actual designated functions of his job for the first time in his entire two years of employment with the company. "What you need to do first is check the contents of each package and make sure the size, color, and product identification number match the order sheet," said the man who had never before carried out any of the tasks he was explaining and whose knowledge of the procedures came solely from recollections of his own training back in 2009. "If there's a discrepancy between the invoice and the packing slip, and you don't tell a manager about it, you can get seriously bitched out. Trust me." Worthen, who sources confirmed once managed to knock over five shelving units in the company storage facility, also explained that under no conditions would his replacement be authorized to drive a forklift.
How To Rise To The Challenge #~# Life doesn't always go the way you plan. Sometimes, an obstacle comes along—be it at work, in your home life, or elsewhere—that you need to overcome. Here are some tips on how to rise to the challenge:
I've Never Prayed Before In My Life, But I'm Absolutely Desperate #~# Uh…hello? Anybody there? Man, this is so awkward. But I honestly don't know what else to do. I'm really and truly at the end of my rope. I've never prayed before in my life—never really even considered myself the least bit spiritual—but I just feel so profoundly lost, and I have to give this a shot because…because I'm desperate, okay? I'm absolutely desperate.
The Onion Sports Guide To The NBA Lockout #~# Any hope for the 2011 NBA season may soon disappear in a confusing morass of mutual greed, antitrust litigation, and David Stern's uselessness. Onion Sports breaks down the key points and what they mean for the fans:
'Family Circus' Creator Dead #~# Bil Keane, whose comic strip The Family Circus has appeared in newspapers since 1960, passed away last week at the age of 89. Here is a brief history of the strip and its creator:
NASA Seeking Astronauts #~# Faced with a potential shortfall of qualified personnel, NASA is currently accepting new applications for its astronaut-training program. What do you think?
Rick Santorum Asks U.S. Populace If He's Still Running For President #~# DES MOINES, IA—At a campaign stop Monday, former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum asked a crowd assembled in the parking lot of a Hy-Vee supermarket if he was still running for president. "America, I have only one question for you," said Santorum, who later wondered aloud if he might be mistaking himself for former Utah governor Jon Huntsman. "Am I, Rick Santorum, still a candidate for president of the United States? I think I am, but then again, I may have dropped out months ago because nobody really pays attention to me or cares about what I have to say. It's like I'm here but I'm not here. Anyway, just let me know if I'm still up for the nomination. Thanks!" Santorum's question has drawn comparisons to one put forth by fellow candidate Herman Cain, who in a recent speech asked his supporters why he was running for president.
Report: Jessica Milly Has Put Out #~# DEARBORN, MI—Sources are confirming that at 8:45 p.m. this evening, Thomas E. Dewey High School junior Jessica Milly officially put out. Though many had predicted she would finally give it up to her boyfriend Josh Gibson this Friday, those close to the 17-year-old said Milly “just wanted to get it over with already” and went all the way with Gibson at his house approximately 15 minutes after his parents left to watch his little sister Emma’s dance recital. At press time, text messages to Milly asking, “How was it?” “How many times?” and “Condom?” have not been answered.
Parking Wars #~# A&E
When Will Jessica Milly Officially Put Out For The First Time? #~# Back to story: Breaking: Jessica Milly To Start Putting Out
Felons Have Increasing Access To Guns #~# According to a study from The New York Times, the loosening of state laws across the country has made it much easier for convicted felons to obtain guns legally. What do you think?
Breaking: Jessica Milly To Start Putting Out #~# DEARBORN, MI—In a shocking revelation that has rocked Thomas E. Dewey High School, sources in Mrs. Trimble’s third-period English class confirmed this week that 17-year-old Jessica Milly will soon begin putting out.
Nation To Bring In Revenue By Offering Official United States Of America Franchise Opportunities #~# WASHINGTON—Amidst continued deadlock over how to rein in the federal deficit, government officials announced plans Tuesday to increase revenue by offering franchise opportunities to entrepreneurs who wish to start their own United States of America.
Sword Stolen From Lincoln's Tomb #~# Thieves stole a 3-foot copper sword from the tomb of Abraham Lincoln's final resting place in Springfield, IL. What do you think?
Magnanimous Banker Hires Occupy Wall Street Protesters #~# 'I Like Your Pluck!' Says Gracious Plutocrat
Alex Ovechkin Having Trouble Following Puck On TV #~# WASHINGTON—Lying on his sofa and flipping through channels Saturday night, Washington Capitals forward Alex Ovechkin settled on a televised hockey game for a few minutes, but reportedly had trouble keeping track of the puck. "It’s going all over the place and it's moving so fast—how is anyone supposed to follow the thing, let alone enjoy watching it?" asked Ovechkin, adding that he had never heard of any of the players on the ice and hadn’t even realized Nashville had a hockey team. "I guess I'd like it more if there were more goals. A lot of my friends say it's better to watch a game in person, but I've been to a few and they're just sort of okay, I guess." After becoming frustrated with the various colored lines and circles on the surface and the seemingly arbitrary "icing" penalty, Ovechkin gave up, watched 20 minutes of a college basketball game, and fell asleep.
I Know I'm Pregnant #~# TLC
Crystal Returns To Oscars #~# After Eddie Murphy backed out of hosting the Academy Awards last week, his fellow Saturday Night Live alum Billy Crystal agreed once again to assume Oscar-emcee duties. What do you think?
Man To Sail Around World To Decrease Awareness Of Important Issues #~# ENCINITAS, CA—In a completely inconsequential event that has already captured the imaginations of thousands, amateur sailor Michael Gilmer, 29, announced Monday he would be embarking on a sea journey around the world to actively decrease awareness of significant global issues.
Report: Military Contractor Overcharged Pentagon For Torturing Iraqi Citizens #~# WASHINGTON—Pentagon officials expressed outrage when an independent audit revealed Tuesday that defense contractor KBR Inc. had charged them up to five times more than market price for the service of torturing Iraqi citizens. "At a time when our government is facing budget cuts across the board, it is reprehensible that someone would charge $150,000 to grab an innocent civilian off the street, fly him to a prison in an undisclosed location, and deprive him of sleep while forcing him to maintain an excruciatingly painful stress position for 40 hours," said Douglas B. Wilson, assistant secretary of defense for public affairs, adding that the service should have cost "$40,000, tops." "Sure, they got this particular individual to talk, but is that any reason to tack on $250 dollars per nipple-clamp used to electrocute him?" The Defense Department later confirmed it looked forward to continuing its work with KBR on projects throughout the region.
Jets vs. Patriots #~# The Jets' last loss was to the Patriots. The Patriots have won only one game since then. Here's what each team must do to avoid losing the mutual hatefest this Sunday:
Previously On #~# ABC
Friend's Excuses For Why He Can't Hang Out Getting More Sophisticated Over Time #~# TACOMA, WA—Having spent years making excuses to avoid socializing with friends and acquaintances, local man Eric Shulman's explanations for why he can't hang out have grown more and more sophisticated over time, sources confirmed Saturday.
Bus Passenger Believes She Lives In World Where Curried Shrimp Is Odorless #~# PHILADELPHIA—According to several witnesses, bus passenger Marie Wallace apparently believes she exists in a universe wherein curried shrimp does not give off any odor. Wallace, who demonstrated her conviction Saturday by eating large amounts of the food from a Styrofoam container while traveling on a crowded Greyhound coach from Philadelphia to Boston, is reportedly under the impression that aromatic molecular compounds do not travel through space and react with olfactory chemoreceptor cells in the human nose. Passengers also suggested that Wallace believes sound waves do not carry within a narrow, enclosed vehicle, judging from the animated seven-minute phone conversation she had with her friend Deb about her friend Deb's ex-husband, Jim.
Eli Manning Throws Big-Boy Touchdown #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Trailing in the final seconds of last Sunday's game against New England, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning, 30, stunned the Patriots by throwing a big-boy touchdown to clinch a victory. "I did it! I did it!" a jubilant Manning said after the win, adding several times that he threw the big-boy touchdown all by himself "without help from anybody in the whole wide world." "Did you see me? Did you see me throw the ball to my friend in the touchdown?" A day later, Eli's older brother Peyton confirmed that he did in fact see the play, and yes, Eli is a big boy who will grow up and be big and strong like his brother.
House Hunters International #~# HGTV
Celebratory Jets Dump Cooler Of Soap And Water On Rex Ryan #~# BUFFALO, NY—As the clock expired Sunday in their 27-11 victory over division rival Buffalo, Jets players honored head coach Rex Ryan by dumping a celebratory orange cooler of hot, soapy water over his body and making sure to cover every inch of him with a thick, triumphant lather. "This one was all you, Coach! Your power football scheme really wore them down!" said guard Brandon Moore, who joined his fellow linemen in victoriously scouring their coach with Jets loofahs as filmy runoff from Ryan turned the sideline gray. "Those defensive substitutions were sheer genius!" added quarterback Mark Sanchez, tousling Ryan's hair thoroughly and working the soapy mixture deep into his scalp in celebration. Minutes later, when Ryan got his team's attention in the locker room to tell them they now had a share of first place in the AFC East, the Jets celebrated by popping the corks on bottles of bubble bath and hosing down their coach yet again.
Jobs' Last Words Revealed #~# Delivering a eulogy, Mona Simpson, the sister of Steve Jobs, shared the Apple CEO's final words: "Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow." Here are some other famous last words:
A House Like No Other #~# You think you’ll ever find another house out there that has 3 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, a one-car garage, and a crawl space? Good luck to you, buddy. Reference #47229301
Revelations From Shaq’s New Book #~# Shaquille O'Neal's frank and unflinching autobiography Shaq Uncut: My Story hits store shelves this week. Though Shaq's candid thoughts are too numerous to list here, readers will find these the most notable:
Hoover Biopic Opens Today #~# Clint Eastwood's film J. Edgar, starring Leonardo DiCaprio as controversial FBI head J. Edgar Hoover, opens today. What do you think?
Fertility Center Asks Couple If They Want Some Cheap Eggs From A Real Fucked Up Chick #~# CINCINNATI—Saying they could save a few bucks, a fertility counselor asked Anita and Joe Jansen Monday if they wished to consider far more affordable donor eggs from a totally fucked-up chick. "Seriously, you can get these things for 40, 50 percent less if you’re okay with a donor who's absolutely batshit insane," said Dr. Susan Rowling, pointing her index finger at the side of her head and twirling it in a circle. "I'm not sure how someone this plainly bonkers slipped through our screening process, but our mistake can save you a bundle." Rowling added that the donor was totally schizo and definitely a cutter but that there was no guarantee those traits would be passed onto the child.
New York City Marathon Winner Does Cool-Down Jog Back To Kenya #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to reduce soreness and prevent injury, New York City Marathon winner Geoffrey Mutai immediately followed his victory Sunday with a 7,209-mile cool-down jog from Central Park to his hometown of Mumberes, Kenya. "Got to keep the blood flowing," Mutai told reporters, jogging into the East River until his body was fully submerged. "I can’t stress how important cooling down is for slowing your pulse and easing the strain on blarghlarlarblublub." Mutai was last spotted emerging from the shores of Cape Verde and continuing his run without removing the seaweed covering his body or the squid attached to the top of his head.
Sports Media Asks Molestation Victims What This Means For Joe Paterno's Legacy #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA—After former Penn State defensive coach Jerry Sandusky was charged Saturday with multiple counts of involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, corruption of minors, indecent assault, and unlawful contact with minors, the national sports media sought out his victims this week to ask if they were worried about Joe Paterno's legacy and how their molestations might affect the recently fired head coach's place in the history books.
Embarrassed JCPenney Announces All It's Sold In Past Year Is Two Fleece Jackets And A Scattergories Game #~# PLANO, TX—Ashamed CEO Myron Ullman III admitted to shareholders of the JCPenney Corporation Thursday that in the past year the company has sold only two fleece jackets and a single Scattergories game. "While the jackets were purchased together as part of an end-of-winter buy-one-get-one-free deal, we still count that as two units sold," said Ullman, noting the new figures corrected earlier sales projections, which had to be revised when a towel set believed to have been purchased at a Tulsa, OK location turned out merely to have been obscured by a stack of Levi's. "This news may be disappointing, but with three Champion sweatshirts sold already this fall, fiscal 2012 is on track to be a year of substantial growth." Ullman said things could have been worse, as an attempted return of the Scattergories game proved unsuccessful when the already-opened product was deemed ineligible for refund.
Police: Student Had Embarrassingly Bad Plans For School Shooting #~# LEAMON, ID—Following their apprehension Thursday of would-be assassin Trent Beyer, law enforcement officials told reporters the 17-year-old student's attempted shooting rampage at East High School was "embarrassingly bad" and "didn't even come close" to causing any injuries or deaths.
Berlusconi To Step Down #~# Having lost the support of his coalition in Parliament, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi—the dominant force in Italian politics for nearly two decades—announced he would resign following the passage of new budget reforms. What do you think?
Whitney #~# NBC
Owners Of Google Hope To Parlay World's Most Popular Website Into Book Deal #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The creative minds behind Google.com confirmed Wednesday that they hope to turn the popular website into a book, perhaps even securing a deal that would have their work in print and on sale in time for the 2012 holiday season. "There's been a lot of buzz around our site lately, and we have new visitors every day, so hopefully we can at least get a publisher to read our proposal," said executive chairman Eric Schmidt, adding that if the book was a success it could possibly lead to more books or even a TV pilot. "Obviously, we'll be including highlights from the past decade of Google searches, but we're hoping to work out a deal with enough of a production budget to include pullout versions of some of our most popular maps. We've already sent an outline and sample chapters to a guy at HarperCollins, so we'll hear back soon, I hope." Schmidt also said the Google book would definitely be better than the Ask Jeeves book, which was just a rehash of what was already on the Ask Jeeves site with nothing new added to it.
Store-Bought Honey May Be Dangerous #~# More than three quarters of the honey on American store shelves may have been smuggled in from China and could be tainted with heavy metals and antibiotics, according to a Food Safety News investigation. What do you think?
Report: It All Some Kind Of Sick Joke #~# PRINCETON, NJ—According to a new report published this week, researchers at Princeton University and the Institute for Advanced Study have definitively concluded that it—all of it—is some kind of sick joke.
NBA Says They Can Still Salvage A 10-Game Season #~# NEW YORK—Though lockout talks between owners and the players union remain stalled, league officials said late Monday they were still optimistic a deal could be reached in time to salvage a 10-game NBA season. "If we continue to push ourselves through 13-hour days as we have been, we’re probably only six or seven months away from breaking the impasse," NBA commissioner David Stern told reporters. "We know the fans want to see this season happen, so we’re doing everything in our power to give them a whole week of games in early April before their team hits the offseason." If a deal does come in time to hold the short season, Stern promised fans, the NBA playoffs will still seem about 30 weeks long.
Brendan Fraser To Star In New Pre-Movie Trivia Question #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—According to a statement published in Variety Tuesday, Mummy star Brendan Fraser has signed on to appear in a new trivia question running before Friday’s 4:50 showing of Puss In Boots. "The moment I read the question, I called my agent and told him I had to be in this thing,"” Fraser said in reference to the multiple-choice quiz asking which actor made his feature debut in the 1988 film Mystic Pizza. "Getting to see my name on the screen alongside such talents as Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear was simply a dream come true." Fraser added that if his appearance as answer "C" was well-received by audiences, he would not rule out future opportunities to have the letters of his name scrambled in a word puzzle.
The Entertainer's House #~# An entertainer's dream! Spacious backyard offers pool, spa, and fire pit. Outdoor bar completes the party. 75 very cool people always there. Reference #845LL2
I Got A Beat Down From A Crazy Cat Dude #~# Hola, amigos. How's your pecker? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been pretty rough for your pal Jim. The muffler on my ride is shot, so the Festiva sounds like an Indy car, especially if I push her to 65 on the highway. I meant to get under there and fix up the holes, but you know how it goes. Life gets crazy.
Chicken Pox Lollipops Ineffective #~# Health officials are warning that a recent parenting trend of giving children a lollipop licked by a child with chicken pox instead of using a vaccine is not only ineffective, but also poses numerous other health risks. What do you think?
Charlie Rose #~# PBS
Obama Now Attempting To Get Each Word Of Jobs Bill Passed Individually #~# WASHINGTON—Following two months of frustrated efforts to push his American Jobs Act through Congress, President Obama announced Monday he was now attempting to have each word of the bill passed individually. "This is a truly vital piece of legislation that needs to be approved in a bipartisan manner as swiftly as possible, and if that means passing it one single linguistic element at a time, then so be it," the president told reporters, claiming he and Republican lawmakers had already agreed on several synonyms that could be substituted for various controversial modifiers. We just had a major breakthrough with the third appearance of the word 'it' earlier today, and we all were surprised to find common ground on 'that.' But I must caution Americans that we still have hundreds of key multisyllabic words to get through." At press time, Congress was reported to be hopelessly deadlocked on the word "taxes."
Bank Executives On 15th Floor Gambling On Which Occupy Wall Street Protester Will Be Arrested Next #~# NEW YORK—Peering down from their 15th-floor boardroom onto the Occupy Wall Street encampment in Lower Manhattan's Zuccotti Park, executives at the financial services firm Wittinger Group reportedly placed bets Monday on which protester would be arrested next.
Rams Take First Down Off To Enjoy The Beautiful Field Position #~# ST. LOUIS—With the ball on their opponent's 45-yard line last Sunday, the Rams allowed the game clock to expire during first down so they could take in the unusual sight of their rich, beautiful field position. "Wow, it’s gorgeous around here," running back Steven Jackson said while running his hands through the artificial turf and inhaling deeply. "It’s a shame we hardly ever get this far. Just look at the view—you can almost see the other end zone from here! I really wish we got to do this more often." According to sources, the team was so excited they took second and third down off as well, evidently just choosing to lie down and relax.
Greenhouse Gases Worse Than Worst Prediction #~# Global greenhouse gas emissions saw their biggest single-year jump ever between 2009 and 2010, exceeding worst-case scenario projections with an increase of 564 million tons. What do you think?
Walking Dead #~# AMC
November 8 #~# The Greensboro Friend of Gays and Lesbians Group will be expanded to include an "s" on the end of "Friend," as the group now has more than one member.
Greatest Moments Of Tony La Russa's Career #~# After winning his third World Series, Cardinals manager Tony La Russa has announced his retirement. We look back on a career that encompassed the steroid era, the moneyball craze, and a lot of irascibility.
Woman With Furrowed Brow On Airplane Carefully Studies Article About Which Actress Wore Dress Better #~# NAPERVILLE, IL—Displaying levels of human concentration usually reserved for deciphering military codes or performing cardiac surgery, airplane passenger Amber Reyson, 37, spent several minutes Sunday studying an Us Weekly photo spread devoted to who wore a particular dress better. "It's like she was staring a hole through that thing," said fellow passenger Jim Tenler, who saw Reyson hunched over the magazine, her face contorted into an expression of deep concern, as if she were seriously and carefully appraising the appearance of each actress. "She barely even looked up when the flight attendant offered her something to drink." Tenler then reportedly put in earplugs so he could spend the rest of the flight rearranging the lineup of his fantasy baseball league undisturbed.
Adult Bookstore To Enhance Shopping Experience With Café #~# DENVER—Seeking to create a shopping environment more inviting to potential customers, Blue News Adult Books and Novelties announced Monday that it had opened an in-store café. “Now people can enjoy a latte and a black currant scone while they’re thumbing through the latest issue of Furry Femmes or Cunts Who Put Out,” bookstore owner Ronald Powers said as he sprayed bleach on the seat of a booth. “They come in for the coffee and the free Wi-Fi, but then browse around and wind up buying a bottle of Slip-N-Glide and a King Dong. We’re offering a personalized experience you just can’t get from online retailers.” Powers added that the café would serve only the finest Guatemalan fair-trade coffees and the filthiest, most exploitative all-anal action available in print.
Marvin Lewis On Suicide Watch After Becoming Winningest Coach In Bengals History #~# CINCINNATI—Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis was immediately placed on suicide watch by city authorities after achieving his franchise-record 65th victory with the team last Sunday. “The fact that he’s tallied 65 wins with the Bengals means he’s been miserable for a long time, and in enough pain to plunge any person into a deep, suicidal depression,” Cincinnati police chief Daryl Rowan told reporters during a press conference, adding that the majority of suicides in Cincinnati can be linked back to the victim’s association with the Bengals. “Lewis has been put through so much turmoil—from Mike Brown’s terrible decisions to Cedric Benson’s multiple arrests to last year’s 4-12 season to having to deal with Carson Palmer for so damn long. After all that, it’s a shock he isn’t hanging from a ceiling beam somewhere already.” Moments after the press conference, Police Chief Rowan was found dead and, in a suicide note, claimed that discussing the Bengals that long had been too much for him to handle.
Cute 8-Year-Old Starting To Realize How Much Better She Is Than Ugly Girls #~# WINNEMUCCA, NV—Eight-year-old Ella Neumark said Saturday that in recent weeks she has become increasingly aware of how her adorable physical characteristics make her superior to unattractive girls.
Pulitzer Board Adds Giant Pumpkin Category #~# NEW YORK—The Pulitzer Prize Board announced Friday that it was expanding the scope of its prestigious journalism and arts awards with the introduction of a new Giant Pumpkin category. "Recognizing the hugest pumpkins is another way to honor the standard of excellence embodied by the Pulitzer Prize," said co-chair Ann Marie Lipinski, adding that the forklift and industrial platform scale to be used for Pulitzer weigh-ins had already been brought into the board’s Columbia University office. "Over the years, we have conferred honors upon some of the most distinguished writers and artists in the nation, and all pumpkins under consideration will be required to have attained that same level of achievement." Although the official Pulitzer finalists will not be announced until April, favorites to win include The New York Times, The Baltimore Sun, and "Big Bertha," a 1,587-pound pumpkin grown in Lodi, WI.
Grey's Boobs #~# ABC
LSU at ALABAMA #~# This week sees a matchup at the very top of the scientifically determined college football rankings. Here are the strategic points for both platoons:
Satire Mag Burned For Muhammad Cartoon #~# Hours before publishing a depiction of the Prophet Muhammad on its cover, the French satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo had its offices firebombed. What do you think?
Brandon Jacobs Furious At Giants Coaching Staff For Not Giving Him More Yards Per Carry #~# NEW YORK—Giants running back Brandon Jacobs was reportedly furious with coaches following a team meeting Tuesday, loudly expressing his displeasure and demanding more yards per carry. “I work really hard at practice and study the playbook, but then they constantly have me getting tackled by the first defensive player I make contact with,” said Jacobs, complaining that the coaches rarely reward his labor with a touchdown-scoring run. “They’re giving [Ahmad] Bradshaw more yards per carry than me. They like him better. I don’t get it. Seems like I get all the negative rushes or the ones for really short yardage. How is this supposed to make me feel appreciated?” Backup quarterback David Carr expressed empathy for Jacobs, claiming the team has repeatedly ignored his requests for better throwing mechanics, a stronger arm, and more accurate passes.
Conclusion Of MLB Season Fails To Tie Up Several Loose Ends #~# NEW YORK—Just weeks after Major League Baseball wrapped up its 2011 season with an unlikely championship run by the St. Louis Cardinals, baseball fans are reportedly confused and disappointed by the way dozens of storylines were left dangling.
David Freese Swarmed In St. Louis By Hordes Of Swooning, Average-Looking Women #~# ST. LOUIS—In the wake of his MVP performance in the World Series, St. Louis Cardinals third baseman David Freese has been constantly surrounded this week by dozens of swooning, average-looking women. "It's flattering to see so many plain women flocking to me, especially considering most of them look like they’ve probably popped out a couple kids and had to hire a babysitter in order to come out," Freese said as one woman, who wasn't exactly homely but certainly would never be described as attractive, planted a kiss right on his cheek. "My girlfriend was a little worried about all the attention I was getting at first, but then, you know, just get a load of all these fives. She's got nothing to worry about." Freese did admit it was better to be surrounded by legions of so-so women than the creepy, aging men carrying microphones who kept hounding him in the immediate aftermath of Game 7.
November 6 #~# Autumn Hamjo workshop: The hamjo is a scintillating Scandinavian spinning dance. Two hours of instruction, followed by an hour of hamjoing to the best live hamjo band in the county.
The iPod Turns 10 #~# Apple's iPod, the MP3 player that revolutionized portable digital music, turned 10 recently. Here are some high points from the device's decade of existence: 
Painkiller Overdose Deaths At Record High #~# Records show that in 2008, overdose deaths from painkillers surged to 15,000, more than from heroin and cocaine combined. What do you think?
Report: More Recent College Graduates Making Extra Money By Tutoring High School Teachers #~# NORMAL, IL—According to the Center for the Study of Education Policy at Illinois State University, an increasing number of recent college graduates unable to find jobs in their chosen field have turned to tutoring high school teachers for money. "Nearly 39 percent of students who received diplomas in 2011 have put their education to use bringing teachers back up to speed on the fundamentals," researcher Ian Ennis said Thursday, adding that while high school faculty members are initially wary of the extra work, they frequently report their tutors are "pretty cool once you get to know them." "As it turns out, most teachers have forgotten quite a bit of their own training, and much of what they do remember hasn't been relevant for decades. So this is a way for young graduates to earn some cash while giving a hand to people who really need it." The survey also noted that on most college campuses in America, post≠doctoral fellows are paying the bills by charging hefty fees to help struggling professors cram for their freshman lectures.
Deadbeat Congressman Spends Time With Constituents For First Time In Months #~# WATERLOO, IA—Saying it was one of the few times the elected official had opted to show his face in the area all year, disheartened constituents of Iowa's 1st Congressional District confirmed that, during a charity event Wednesday, deadbeat U.S. Rep. Bruce Braley (D-IA) had finally decided to spend some actual quality time with them.
Perfecting Your Revenge Plot #~# There are times when you have exercised all other options to resolve a difference, and vengeance is your sole remaining alternative. Here are some ways to ensure your revenge plot goes off without a hitch:
Those Darn Caucasians #~# NBC
Bill Simmons Somehow Still Writing About 2010 NBA Season #~# LOS ANGELES—With the NBA lockout having already resulted in the cancellation of many games this fall, ESPN.com and Grantland columnist Bill Simmons is somehow managing to churn out upwards of 3,000 words per week on the NBA by continuing to write about the long-completed 2010 season. "Nov. 22 of last year, Thunder vs. Timberwolves, what many may have excused as an early season flirtation between two young squads, but this was more than that: It was yet another example of why Kevin Durant is trade-your-entire-team-to-get-this-guy good," Simmons wrote Tuesday in a post titled "The Greatest Season Ever? (Part Nine)." "I said it last season, I said it in the playoffs, I said it in the offseason, I said it in the NFL preseason, and I'm saying it now: Durant is as smooth and calculating as Omar from The Wire, and I watch recordings of him just as often." Over the past three weeks, Simmons has mentioned last year's NBA season on more than 800 occasions, including 287 times in his account of attending a Los Angeles Kings hockey game.
Anonymous Targets Drug Cartel #~# Claiming one of its members has been kidnapped by Mexico’s Zetas cartel, the hacker group Anonymous has threatened to publish names, photos, and addresses of the drug ring’s supporters if the alleged abductee is not released. What do you think?
Sure, Area Man Can Watch Your Cat While His Life Is Falling Apart #~# NEW YORK—Local shell of a man Joel Marsden said Wednesday that, absolutely, he'd be happy to take care of your cat while you're out of town for three weeks and his entire world is falling to pieces all around him. "Sure, I can help you out in the midst of my total emotional breakdown, no problem," said the 41-year-old man, who may soon have to abandon the past decade of his life and move halfway across the country because his job is being relocated. "I'm in complete psychological shambles at the moment, and of course, you bet, anything I can do to help. It's not like I have anything else going on right now. When's a good time to pick up your keys?" Marsden also said that, once you return, he'd be happy to come by and help you move a bookshelf while he sobs uncontrollably.
Obama Publishes Tell-All Book About America #~# WASHINGTON—In what is being advertised as a bombshell cultural event certain to spark a storm of controversy nationwide, publisher HarperCollins has released this week  President Barack Obama's long-awaited new tell-all book about America.
November 4 #~# Junior Beckett Crisp will finally tell senior Sarah Holmes how he feels about her in an extravagant and over-the-top manner Friday morning in the quad. Sarah, and anyone else who actually wants to feel something for once in their lives, is encouraged to attend.
If Humans Evolved To Be Social Creatures, Then Why Didn't Anyone Come To My Party? #~# It was Aristotle himself who first described humans as "social animals," and indeed his observation from 350 B.C. has been borne out by a considerable body of research in the field of evolutionary anthropology. Human beings have developed in such a way that gathering in groups is not merely advantageous but essential for the survival of both the individual and the species. Therefore, given the innate disposition of humans to congregate, it seems reasonable to ask: Why didn't anyone come to my party?
Black Licorice Linked To Irregular Heartbeat #~# A chemical compound in black licorice has been found to lower potassium in the blood and may cause irregular heartbeats. What do you think?
Theo Epstein Disgusted To Find Cubs Playing In Old Stadium With Weeds Growing All Over Walls #~# CHICAGO—After taking a tour of the franchise’s home stadium Monday, new Chicago Cubs president Theo Epstein told reporters he was revolted the team played in a stadium so run-down a landscaper had to be hired to cut down the thick carpet of weeds growing all the way up the outfield walls. “That hunk-of-junk scoreboard in center is apparently broken—they change the numbers by hand—and I don’t even know if this place has electricity,” Epstein said while directing workers to tear down the field’s dangerous brick boundaries. “If this is the way they take care of their ballpark, I’m not surprised they never put together a winning team here.” Epstein went on to say he is already planning to build a “proper, modern stadium” for the Cubs next to Woodfield Mall in nearby Schaumburg, IL, and hopes to have Wrigley Field demolished as soon as possible.
Huntsman Quietly Relieved To Be Polling Poorly Among GOP Voters #~# 'These People Scare The Bejeezus Out Of Me,' Says Candidate
How To Consume Spicy Foods #~# Spicy foods continue to grow in popularity, whether they agree with your palate or not. Here are some tips on how to avoid social awkwardness while consuming spicy dishes:
Those We Lost In 2011 #~# From left, North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-il, Col. Muammar Qaddafi, Family Circus creator Bil Keane, al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden.
Kim Jong-Un Privately Doubting He's Crazy Enough To Run North Korea #~# PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In surprisingly candid remarks today following his father’s death, Kim Jong-un, heir apparent to North Korea’s highest government post, expressed doubt that he was sufficiently out of his mind to succeed longtime dictator Kim Jong-il.
2011: Politics #~# Party brinksmanship in Congress has led to the government nearly shutting down on multiple occasions this year. Are you worried about a federal shutdown in 2012?
2011: Technology #~# Many technological breakthroughs occurred in 2011. In your opinion, what was the biggest achievement?
2011: Entertainment #~# Though box office receipts, TV ratings, and music sales went down, 2011 was still a banner year for video games and streaming video. What entertainment did you enjoy this year?
2011: International #~# This year saw political unrest in the Middle East and Russia, economic crisis in Europe, and a former president of the Ivory Coast on trial in the Hague. What do you think the biggest international story of the year was?
Style For Men #~# Men's fashion choices are becoming increasingly more complex. Here are some tips to help you sort through the contradictory ideas you might have about what to wear:
Download K'Ronikka's Single 'Booty Wave' Now #~# Click here to download 'Booty Wave'.
2011: The Economy #~# This year, the struggling economy once again dominated headlines, and most of the news was bad. How has the slow recovery affected you?
Nancy Grace's Kidnap Countdown #~# Headline
Donut Shop Gets Weird After 11 A.M. #~# CHICAGO—According to unnerved sources, the donut shop at the corner of Belmont Avenue and Clark Street gets really weird after 11 a.m. "Up until about 10, it's totally normal, but sometime after that, you start seeing more and more people with gauze taped over one eye, and there generally seems to be a lot more canes—sometimes just leaning up against tables or hanging off the backs of empty chairs without it really being clear who owns them," retail associate Jake Kleibesadel told reporters Thursday, explaining he occasionally stops into the establishment for a quick snack during work breaks. "Usually at least two people will just be staring at their cups of coffee without drinking them, and a lot of times you'll see a guy watching one of those weird portable DVD players without bothering to use headphones. After a certain point, it just starts feeling really tense and sort of creepy in there." The donut shop reportedly gets weirder and weirder until reaching an apex at 6 a.m., after which it reverts back to its normal clientele of numbed, defeated people lurching to work.
Coach Secretly Turned On By Illegal Formation #~# TAMPA, FL—Buccaneers quarterbacks coach Alex Van Pelt admitted to reporters Saturday that even though he knows it’s wrong and “very, very naughty,” he secretly gets aroused when he sees a team line up in an illegal formation. “Mmm, look at this wideout, look at him failing to cover that tackle, oh, that’s so bad,” said Van Pelt, licking his lips as he ran tape of the same penalty forward and backward multiple times. “You throw that flag, ref. You know it’s wrong. That’s only six men on the line of scrimmage, and that ref doesn’t like it. No, not one bit. But you know who does like it? Alex likes it. Yeah. Yeah, Alex knows that tackle failed to report as an eligible receiver. Mmmm.” After Van Pelt spent several more minutes dissecting one illegal formation penalty from a preseason game against the Dolphins, reporters asked him what he thought of illegal shifts, which prompted the coach to release a pleasurable moan and excuse himself from the film room.
Who Is Romney Today? #~# Critics have long complained that instead of sticking to strong positions on issues such as immigration, federal spending, and health care reform, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has routinely changed his stance to appeal to voters. Here are some key policies on which he has flip-flopped:
BCS National Championship Game #~# Alabama gets a mulligan and a chance to lose to LSU for the second time this year in a championship game that doubles as proof the BCS is a complete mess.
Shitty Graffiti Artist Captures 19-Year-Old Girl's Heart #~# 'He's Also A Terrible DJ!' Teen Squeals
The Rachel Maddow Show #~# MSNBC
Tech Tips #~# Technology innovates faster than many people can comfortably keep up.  Here's some general tips to deal with the ever-changing, innovative world of technology.
Tom Brady Autobiography Highlights The Highs And Highs Of Being Tom Brady #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—A new autobiography by New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady gives readers a behind-the-scenes look at the ups and even greater ups of being the three-time Super Bowl champion, sources confirmed Friday. "From the highest highs of winning two NFL MVP awards and marrying a Brazilian supermodel, to the more moderate highs of being a record-setting quarterback for the University of Michigan, this memoir is very personal and doesn't hold back," said Bryce Joplin, a representative from the book's publisher, Hyperion, adding that Tom Brady: A Life Of Joy And Painlessness goes on sale Tuesday. "On the one hand, readers will see the side of Tom they already know from the football field—a good-looking millionaire who is constantly winning—but on the other, they'll finally learn who Tom is off the field: a constant winner who is also a good-looking millionaire." Brady was not available for comment, as he was eating filet mignon at the best steakhouse in Boston while waiting for a call concerning a $20 million endorsement deal with Rolex.
2011 In The Less Popular Sports #~# Any fan will tell you the big-name leagues aren't the whole sporting world. As time expires on 2011, we take a look at major accomplishments, happenings, and developments in the less popular sports.
U.S. To Give Limestone-Based Economy A Shot Starting Next Week #~# 'Sounds Weird, But You Never Know,' Officials Say
Euro Crisis Hits Rock #~# Some rock bands, including the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Metallica, have changed the dates of their tours to ensure payment in the event the euro collapses. What do you think?
New Commercial To Feature John McEnroe Saying 'You Cannot Be Serious' #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to emphasize the value of its offerings and enhance the visibility of its brand, electronics superstore TV America will run a new commercial that features former tennis great John McEnroe intoning his trademark phrase "You cannot be serious," company representatives announced Friday.
Prototypical Stock-Car Racer Kurt Busch Fired For Being Prototypical Stock-Car Racer #~# MOORESVILLE, NC—Veteran NASCAR racer Kurt Busch, long a fan favorite for old-school stock-car-driver antics such as reckless racing, fistfights with competitors, and hard drinking, was released by Penske Racing on Monday for antics such as unsafe on-track behavior, physical assaults, and arrests for drunk driving. "We are sorry to have to part company with Kurt, one of the sport's real symbols, but we feel his frankly classic actions do not represent Penske Racing and are inconsistent with the company's standards for personal conduct," a press release from Penske read in part, referring to Busch's "in-character and inexcusable" behavior at the Homestead season finale, during which he directed an obscene gesture at Michelle Obama's motorcade and later defended himself to interviewers in a profanity-laced tirade. "But that part where he flipped the first lady the bird? That was damn good stuff, tell you what." NASCAR has fined Busch $50,000 and nominated him for Driver of the Year for his actions.
Area Man Carefully Weighs One Side Of Argument #~# BOISE, ID—Personnel manager Victor Hartley confirmed Wednesday that he is taking very seriously a dispute between employees Tom Gladstone and Harriet Deneve, giving the matter a great deal of thought and carefully weighing one side of the argument. "As a supervisor, I need to give equal consideration to the person telling me what I want to hear before I side with him," said Hartley, who told reporters the key to conflict resolution is ensuring there is always an open channel of communication with one of the parties involved. "On the one hand, Tom presents a very compelling case, but on the same hand, Tom is the only person I'm willing to listen to." Hartley added that he will make certain to ignore Deneve's argument one more time before breaking the bad news to her.
Bee Species Rediscovered #~# Scientists from the University of California–Riverside announced they have rediscovered a bumblebee that was last seen in 1956. What do you think?
Study Finds Getting Smacked Right In The Mouth With A Goddamn Tree Branch Really Sucks #~# 'But After A Minute, You're Basically Fine,' Researchers Say
2 Broke Girl Detectives #~# CBS
6-Year-Old Boy Thinks He Might Be Too Old To Be In Women's Locker Room #~# STAMFORD, CT—Admitting to a growing sense of unease, 6-year-old Zachary Barrett confided to reporters Monday that he might be getting too old to continue accompanying his mother into the women's locker room at the local gym. "I'm at that age now where every time I'm surrounded by grown, half-naked women I don't even know, I think to myself, 'What am I doing here? This isn't right,'" said Barrett, who called the situation "kind of creepy on a number of levels." "What's my mom thinking? I'm not three anymore, for God's sake—I know what's going on now, and frankly, I really don't appreciate standing around awkwardly for 10, 15 minutes trying to pretend I don't feel incredibly uncomfortable. What's worse, I can tell the women are starting to feel awkward being naked around me, too." Barrett later confirmed that while he was certain he didn't belong in the locker room, he could probably endure another visit if it meant catching one last glimpse of that yoga instructor's fantastic tits.
Teen Sexting Not As Prevalent As Thought #~# A study published in the journal Pediatrics revealed that only one in 100 teens had sent nude or sexually explicit images via phone, as opposed to the previous estimate of one in five. What do you think?
Secretary Of Agriculture Attends Diplomatic Meeting With Foreign Cabbage #~# LJUBLJANA, SLOVENIA—In the latest stop on his goodwill tour to improve U.S. relations with foreign produce, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack attended a meeting Thursday with a fresh head of Slovenian cabbage.
The Diabetic Basketball Association #~# ABC
Did Someone Say Bison? #~# Hi, hello there, sorry. I apologize if I'm interrupting, but did someone over here just say bison? I swear I wasn't eavesdropping or anything, but I was just standing over there and I couldn't help but notice that somebody mentioned something about bison, or herds of bison, or something about bison. Anyway, I could have sworn the word "bison" came from this general vicinity, so I just figured I'd stop over.
Winter Meetings Heat Up With Rumors That Hotel Has An Indoor Pool #~# DALLAS—Team owners across the major leagues were galvanized Monday by news that the Hilton Anatole hotel, which will host professional baseball's official 2011 winter meetings, may feature an indoor pool. "Aw, man, I'm totally gonna bring my trunks," said Cleveland Indians general manager Chris Antonetti, adding that he hopes the pool is "one of those ones where half is indoors and the other half is outdoors." "I'm definitely spending all my time in there. And I'm gonna splash [Boston Red Sox owner] John Henry if he walks by, because he ought to be in the pool anyway." A spokesman for the Hilton Anatole confirmed the hotel features two indoor pools, plus an outdoor pool with a swim-up bar, and has been the site of baseball's winter meetings six previous times.
Two New Elements To Be Named #~# The International Union of Pure Applied Chemistry unveiled two new elements last week, tentatively named flerovium and livermorium. What do you think?
In Major Gaffe, Obama Forgets To Dumb It Down #~# CINCINNATI—In a serious miscalculation that may prove devastating to his bid for a second term, President Barack Obama neglected Tuesday to simplify a statement to the point where it could readily be grasped by anyone with the vocabulary of an 8-year-old. "Instead of saying, 'There are many global variables at work here, and unless they all fall into place, we could find ourselves back in a recession,' he should have just said, 'Times are hard. We gotta be strong,'" said Washington Post political correspondent Brian Meltzer, noting that Obama's statement during a speech on job creation was met with dumbfounded looks and audible gasps from the crowd. "Americans are so used to meaningless homespun homilies, they don't know what to do when they're treated like thinking adults. The president has to understand that if he goes out there throwing around words like 'currency' and 'economy,' he'll end up being branded an elitist." In an attempt to correct the error, Obama concluded his speech with the words "Jobs good. No jobs bad. God bless America."
Excited Mike Krzyzewski: Duke Squad Hasn't Been This Unlikable In Years #~# DURHAM, NC—Though cautioning that it is still early in the season, a beaming Mike Krzyzewski told reporters Monday he has not seen a Duke team this unlikable in many years, and is optimistic about the Blue Devils' chances to grow even more repulsive and annoying with practice. "Obviously, we set the pace early with my all-time wins record and the never-ending, fawning media hoopla over that, and I think we've been able to stay consistently repellent since then," said Coach Krzyzewski, who argued that his current players' obnoxious ability to draw charges compares with his most loathsome teams ever, giving them the potential to become more infuriating than any J.J. Redick­–led squad. "We've got Stephen Curry's little brother, a ball-hogging NBA coach's son, three Plumlees, and a whole roster of overprivileged assholes, so all the pieces are in place for this to be one of the prickiest teams in Blue Devils history. We just need to get it done." Krzyzewski said he does not want to weigh the team down with expectations, but college basketball fans should not be surprised to find themselves cursing and turning off their televisions in utter disgust come March.
Nation's Moms Demand Christmas List #~# ATLANTA—Saying the holidays are right around the corner and they want to make sure they get you something you'll really like this year, the nation's moms demanded a Christmas list Monday. "Five or so items would be more than enough, with at least one idea for a big present," said 53-year-old Maureen Marshall, one of several million mothers who explained they really don't want to get you something impersonal like a gift card. "Be sure to get it to us by Friday, because there are some big sales coming up and that's when we take your grandmother shopping. If we're not there to tell her what you want, who knows what you'll end up with?" The mothers went on to say that they themselves don't want anything special and that just getting to see you for the holidays is all the present they need.
Android Phones May Be Harvesting Data #~# A developer discovered a hard-to-detect bit of software on Android phones that tracks your location, phone calls, and text messages, and report them back to its maker. What do you think?
Report: Global Warming May Be Irreversible By 2006 #~# GENEVA—A new report from the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change warned Monday that global warming is likely to become completely irreversible if no successful effort is made to slow down the trend before 2006.
In Theory #~# Showtime
Josh Greene And Alyssa Mandel #~# Despite being a lavish Jewish ceremony with several quirky twists, the nuptials of Josh Greene and Alyssa Mandel Sunday was deemed not quite lavish, Jewish, or quirky enough to make it into the New York Times’ ‘Weddings & Celebrations’ section.
Every Marlins Game Sold Out For Next Season As Fans Become Enamored With Team's New Color Scheme #~# MIAMI—The Miami Marlins announced Saturday they are completely sold out of tickets for the 2012 season, ending a deluge of requests from area residents completely rabid about the long-ignored team's new cap and uniform colors. "Until three weeks ago, I didn't know anyone around here who gave a crap about the Marlins, but when they changed up their colors, we were all like, 'Oh, man! Wow! Blue, yellow, black, and orange?'" said new season-ticket holder Gord McCullough, adding that like the majority of Miami residents, he once would have preferred sitting in traffic for four hours to attending a Marlins game, but now, because of the revamped logo's stylized fish and the addition of the city's name to the team, can't imagine life without trips to the ballpark. "I don't even really care that it's basically the same lineup as last year. Did you see [Miami mascot] Billy the Marlin's new look?" Club management confirmed that by the All-Star break, when the hype has died down, the team is below .500, and people stop showing up for games, the tarp that typically covers all of the unsold seats in the stadium will also have a new Marlins logo on it.
Early Stage Threesome Forming In Corner Of Party #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—According to reports from Adam Hartford's house party on Preston Avenue, a male and two females have separated from the core group of attendees and are currently in the nascent stage of forming a threesome in the far corner of the living room. Factoring in the subjects' increased levels of giggling and flirtation, suggestive body language, and projected alcohol consumption, sources have determined the ménage à trois will reach full maturation three hours from now, likely in Hartford's partially finished basement. Experts also stated that the females' recent progression from talking about kissing each other to actually doing so, even if only jokingly, marks a crucial threshold in the early-phase three-way, indicating the eventual occurrence of group sex is now a statistical certainty. While those observing the threesome's gradual materialization admitted it was fascinating to watch such a natural phenomenon coalesce, they acknowledged the rare marvel was "completely gross" because it involved Jeff.
Cain Drops Out #~# After a Georgia woman came forward and claimed she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain, the former Godfather's Pizza CEO announced he would suspend his campaign for the presidency. What do you think?
Greatest Regular Seasons In Sports #~# With the Packers enjoying a spectacular 2011 run, Onion Sports looks at some of the most remarkable regular seasons in sporting history:
Ford Looks Down On Website That Would Let Itself Be Plastered In Ford's Ads #~# DEARBORN, MI—Ford Motor Company officials chastised news and commentary website Masthead.com Friday, conceding they were embarrassed to be associated with a publication that would allow the entirety of its award-winning content to be hidden behind splashy, distracting ads for the Ford F-150.
Wife Hoarders #~# A&E
Nation's Undiscovered Pedophile Coaches Getting Extremely Nervous #~# SYRACUSE, NY—After the dismissal of Syracuse assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine and the arrest of former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky, the nation's yet-to-be-caught pedophile coaches expressed nervousness Friday that any one of them could be next. "There's a certain level of anxiety one comes to expect from this sort of life, but all this media attention has made me worry that the terrible things I've done to children may finally come to light," said an assistant high school coach and co-director of a summer sports camp who spoke on condition of anonymity. "I almost wish I were morally strong enough to stop what I'm doing, or even turn myself in, because I know in my heart that sexually abusing the children is wrong and I need serious psychiatric help. But I'll probably just ease up for a while until all this blows over." As of press time, all coaches, assistant coaches, and camp counselors who feel uneasy about sexually molesting defenseless little boys, but haven't used these national cases as an excuse to seriously examine their own lives, continue to be among the worst human beings in existence.
Scalia Recuses Self From Capital Murder Case, Citing Double Homicide He Committed in '80s #~# WASHINGTON—Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia recused himself from a capital murder case heard Monday, acknowledging his impartiality could be called into question due to the double homicide he committed in 1986. "Considering my own brutal murder of two innocent people 25 years ago, there are some who might cast doubt upon the court were I to help decide this defendant's guilt or innocence," Scalia said in reference to the incident in which he viciously beat and murdered two elderly owners of a mom-and-pop convenience store before placing their dismembered remains in plastic trash bags and throwing them off a bridge. "While I person­ally believe myself capable of ruling on this matter without bias, judicial propriety dictates I disqualify myself." Also recusing himself is Justice Clarence Thomas, who is the defendant in the case and widely believed to have committed the murder in question.
Urban Meyer #~# Not even a year after he quit college football to recover his health and spend time with his family, two-time national champion Urban Meyer accepted the head coaching job at Ohio State. Is he any good?
20 Percent Of American Homes 'Underwater' #~# According to a study from the Santa Ana, CA research firm CoreLogic, one in five homes in the United States are worth less than what their purchasers owe on them. What do you think?
Urban Meyer Gets The Destroy-My-Personal-And-Physical-Health-Again Bug #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he missed the thrill and challenge of chest pains, breathing difficulties, and rapid fluctuations in blood pressure, two-time college national champion football coach Urban Meyer announced Nov. 28 that he would take the head coaching position at Ohio State. "What can I say, I have that arachnoid-brain-cyst-that-could-cause-severe-neurological-damage itch, and I need to scratch it," said Meyer, who added that his gut was telling him to leave the commentator's desk behind and get back out on the sidelines for another chance at collapsing from a heart attack in front of his players. "Once you get the run-yourself-into-the-ground-with-unbelievable-stress fever, it never quite lets you go." Meyer will reportedly meet with existing coaching staff as soon as possible to get started on strategy, dehydration, and headaches.
Form And Function #~# German engineers once again beautifully married form and function in the 2012 Passat.
Allen Iverson: 'You Hear That, Everybody? We're Coming Back! All Of Us!' #~# PHILADELPHIA—Following the announcement Saturday that a deal had been reached to end the league-wide lockout, an exuberant Allen Iverson told reporters that every single NBA player, a group that "includes myself, obviously, because I am a current NBA player," is excited to return to the hardwood.
Everyone Giving Up On John After Latest Movie Recommendation #~# CARLIN, NV—Expressing their exasperation upon watching the latest in his long string of disappointing movie recommendations, friends of area resident John Blakely announced Monday they had decided to give up on him completely. "That's it—he’s done," said 27-year-old Patrick Cairnes, who added that he blamed himself for not giving up on Blakely sooner, especially considering what their friendship went through when Blakely insisted he listen to Kings of Leon. "John went on and on about how I should see The Adjustment Bureau, but then I watched it and it’s fucking terrible. At this point, I'm actually starting to wonder how we became friends in the first place." When asked if Blakely had even once recommended a movie they liked, several friends conceded The Social Network was "pretty good," but said they hardly needed anyone’s endorsement to go see that one.
U.S. Horse Slaughter To Resume #~# A five-year ban on the butchering of horses for meat has expired, meaning slaughterhouses can once more process horses for human consumption. What do you think?
Osprey Devours Lion In Massive Food-Chain Shake-Up #~# DAR ES SALAAM—With its dramatic depiction of an osprey stalking, killing, and eating a lion, a video released Tuesday reveals what alarmed scientists have described as a massive and shocking disruption of the global food chain.
Zooloist #~# "This profound disturbance could threaten the stability of entire ecosystems" - Zoologist Rebecca Clattenburg.
So You Think You Can Hold A Job? #~# FOX
Vikings Stand Behind Brett Favre's Decision To Jerk Team Around For Months #~# EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Players, coaches, and front-office personnel are united in their support of Brett Favre's decision to waffle, demur, delay, beat around the bush, and generally yank them around for months on end while they wait for him to make a decision about his retirement. "He's a living legend and our captain, so we support him if he needs to take some time to fuck with us," said backup quarterback Tarvaris Jackson, whose future would benefit greatly from a quick decision by Favre and whose life and career are basically in limbo until the future Hall of Famer once again makes up his mind. "We could only watch in envy as he did exactly this in Green Bay all those years, but to see him jerk around your own team… It's an honor, really." Favre responded to questions abut retirement by confirming that he was planning to draw out the situation for months and would ultimately do whatever was most annoying for the team.
Backpack Strategically Placed In Theft-Proof Corner Of Concert Hall Floor #~# ATHENS, GA—Wishing to avoid the annoyance of wearing his backpack during a rock and roll show at the 40 Watt Club Friday, concertgoer Nick Hurley ingeniously placed the bag in the corner, thereby rendering his personal items completely inaccessible to any potential thieves.
While Cheering On Brother, Eli Manning Struggles To Follow Football Game #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Clapping randomly as he struggled to follow the action on the field, a confused Eli Manning attempted to cheer for his older brother Peyton in the AFC Championship Sunday, barely comprehending the most basic elements of the game. "Which one is Peyton? Is he the one kicking the ball?" said Manning, the Giants quarterback and Super Bowl XLII MVP. "Are the numbers on the shirts always the same? Wait, is that Peyton's team? He stopped running by that side area, but there's nobody there and now he's sitting down. Come on! Throw it to the guy in the striped shirt, Peyton." Eyewitnesses reported that Manning became very excited and shouted, "Go, go, go, touchdown!" while the grounds crew worked on the field during halftime.
Can Your Aunt Do This? #~# ABC
Truck Drivers Barred From Texting #~# The U.S. government will no longer allow drivers of large trucks and buses to text while they are driving. What do you think?
Best Thing That Ever Happened To Area Man Yelling At Him About Socks #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Joseph Collins, 38, who is perhaps the luckiest man alive and who certainly doesn't deserve the wonderful woman who showed him what it was like to be happy, was chastised by the love of his life for sock-related reasons Thursday. "Look at the holes in these toes," sighed Collins' perfect match, who found him when he was adrift in his late-20s and brought joy and tenderness into his life. "And these are your good SmartWools. You have to treat your things right, honey. Are you listening to me?" At press time, Shelly Collins' knight in shining armor was spilling cookie crumbs all over the couch she had just cleaned.
The Saints' Hapless History #~# The Saints' road to their first Super Bowl wasn't an easy one, as for years they were one of the unluckiest, most bumbling franchises in sports. We review their tale of football woe. 
Saints, Colts Hoping To Resolve Super Bowl Through Diplomacy #~# 'Playing Game Is Last Possible Resort,' NFL Commissioner Says
Bunch Of Phonies Mourn J.D. Salinger #~# CORNISH, NH—In this big dramatic production that didn't do anyone any good (and was pretty embarrassing, really, if you think about it), thousands upon thousands of phonies across the country mourned the death of author J.D. Salinger, who was 91 years old for crying out loud. "He had a real impact on the literary world and on millions of readers," said hot-shot English professor David Clarke, who is just like the rest of them, and even works at one of those crumby schools that rich people send their kids to so they don't have to look at them for four years. "There will never be another voice like his." Which is exactly the lousy kind of goddamn thing that people say, because really it could mean lots of things, or nothing at all even, and it's just a perfect example of why you should never tell anybody anything.
Ask A High School English Teacher Pressed Into Duty As The JV Basketball Coach After The Previous Coach Abruptly Resigned #~# Dear High School English Teacher Pressed Into Duty As The JV Basketball Coach After The Previous Coach Abruptly Resigned,
Obama Gives State Of The Union #~# After a full year in office, President Barack Obama delivered his first State of the Union address. What do you think?
Burger King Looks Open #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—Sources from within the car driving slowly past the Burger King at Roselle and Hartford report that, despite the late hour, the restaurant looks as if it could possibly be open. “Lights are still on, except for the sign, but the sign being off doesn’t necessarily mean anything, because they might just be getting ready to close,” the driver of the car said while searching for a place to turn around in order to drive by the fast-food restaurant again slowly. “There are people behind the counter and a guy mopping, so I think it’s probably open. Probably.” At press time, the opinion of the car’s occupants was to drive past one last time just to be totally sure.
Al-Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Devastating Personal Attack On Illinois Man #~# WASHINGTON—In a statement posted this morning on several Islamist websites, the global terrorist network al-Qaeda claimed responsibility for last Thursday's devastating personal attack on Carbondale, IL resident Tim Harris. 
Report: Guy Just Put 10 Bucks In Jukebox #~# EAST LANSING, MI—Gold Mine Bar & Grill sources report that, just as you got change back from the two pitchers you ordered, some guy walked up to the jukebox and methodically slid in two fives, an amount of money sufficient to play 40 songs. “Well, that’s it for me,” said one of the regulars, who was just finishing his drink anyway, as the jukebox guy’s girlfriend came over to help him pick. “Look at this guy. There aren’t even 25 good songs on there.” As of press time, the guy had just asked the bartender to mute the TV as Meatloaf’s “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” began its first of three eventual plays.
Nation Growing Increasingly Distrustful Of NFL Experts #~# NEW YORK—Football viewers across the nation announced Tuesday that a lackluster performance, inaccurate predictions, and a failure to acknowledge shortcomings have led to an increased distrust in so-called NFL experts. "First they had Green Bay over Arizona, then Dallas over Minnesota, and of course they just couldn't see the Jets winning," said 46-year-old New Jersey resident Tom Nicholson, who called on authorities to investigate how long NFL experts have been misleading the American public. "I don't know who to believe. The more I think about it, the more I realize that these self-appointed 'experts' are wrong a staggering percentage of the time. Why, I ask you, does all that pregame analysis become inconsequential once the game actually begins?" A majority of Americans also noted that in instances where analysts are correct, as is often the case with Cris Collinsworth and Merril Hoge, the commentators are so insufferably smug that it makes them unwatchable.
How I Met Your Mother #~# CBS
What Cost The Democrats Massachusetts? #~# Though it was considered a foregone conclusion that the seat would remain in Democratic hands, Republican Scott Brown surprised everyone by winning the Senate seat left vacant by the death of Ted Kennedy. Here are some of the reasons pundits are giving for the defeat:
16-Year-Old Attempts Sailing Record #~# Abby Sunderland, 16, is attempting to set a world record by becoming the youngest person to sail alone around the world. What do you think?
Frantic Steve Jobs Stays Up All Night Designing Apple Tablet #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Claiming that he completely forgot about the much-hyped electronic device until the last minute, a frantic Steve Jobs reportedly stayed up all night Tuesday in a desperate effort to design Apple’s new tablet computer. “Come on, Steve, just think—think, dammit—you’re running out of time,” the exhausted CEO said as he glued nine separate iPhones to the back of a plastic cafeteria tray. “Okay, yeah, this will work. This will definitely work. Just need to write ‘tablet’ on this little strip of masking tape here and I’m golden. Oh, come on, you piece of shit! Just stick already!” Middle-of-the-night sources reported that Jobs then began work on double-spacing his Keynote presentation and increasing the font size to make it appear longer.
Science Channel Refuses To Dumb Down Science Any Further #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—Frustrated by continued demands from viewers for more awesome and extreme programming, Science Channel president Clark Bunting told reporters Tuesday that his cable network was "completely incapable" of watering down science any further than it already had. 
LeBron James Says Complicated Enrollment Form Prevented Him From Signing Up For Slam Dunk Contest #~# CLEVELAND—Though Cavaliers forward LeBron James stated last year that he fully intended to participate in the 2010 Slam Dunk Contest, the NBA All-Star told reporters Monday that a complicated enrollment form prevented him from signing up. "One of the questions asked me to list any dependents I might have," said a visibly confused James, adding that, while he completed the portion of the form asking what type of dunks he would perform, he was unable to provide the information required on how long each of his dunks would take and how many degrees they would be in total. "I put down my mom as a dunking emergency contact in case I got hurt, but they said the contact had to live in the Dallas area. And what did it mean when it said I could e-file the form?" Defending slam-dunk champion Nate Robinson once again successfully enrolled in the competition, saying that he hires a team of attorneys every year to help him fill out his paperwork.
Exterminator Kind Of Surprised Apartment Doesn't Have Roaches #~# CHICAGO—During his monthly visit to the building at the corner of Spaulding and Milwaukee Avenues, Pest-Away exterminator Harold Batten was once again mildly baffled to find that, despite its unsanitary condition and state of utter disrepair, apartment 4B contained no roaches. “You have got to be kidding me,” said Batten, who used a high-powered flashlight to inspect a sink containing two weeks’ worth of dirty dishes in 4 inches of gray water and soggy cereal bits. “I should look underneath that bathtub again or check around that lasagna pan on the couch, because there is just no way.” Batten was reportedly also surprised by the apartment’s lack of mice, rats, bedbugs, or eviction notices.
New All-White Basketball League Launched #~# Augusta, GA boxing promoter Don "Moose" Lewis has announced the creation of The All-American Basketball League, comprised entirely of all-white, American-born players. What do you think? 
Man Who Enjoys Thing Informed He Is Wrong #~# LOS ANGELES—George Himmelsbaugh, 32, was informed Tuesday that he was incorrect in enjoying a thing he had been deriving pleasure from for many years. Authorities in the field informed Himmelsbaugh that, although he believes his appreciation of the thing to be a matter of subjective personal taste, any positive feelings or satisfaction taken from this are by definition erroneous. Furthermore, sources reported, Himmelsbaugh does not in fact enjoy the thing, but has merely been convinced that he does by the influence of others who also claim to enjoy the thing but who must be insane or developmentally disabled if they actually do. Himmelsbaugh has responded to the information by endeavoring to enjoy the correct things in the future. 
I Don't Even Want To Be Alive Anymore #~# I know there are a lot of people out there who are upset about some of the things I've been saying on my radio program lately. My comments about the situation in Haiti have hurt and angered many Americans who genuinely care about the plight of the Haitian people, and that hurt and anger will likely never go away. Many of you are probably wondering, "What would compel a human being to say things like that?" Well, here's your answer: I am a very bad person. And, to tell you the truth, I don't really want to be alive anymore.
Massive Earthquake Reveals Entire Island Civilization Called 'Haiti' #~# PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Less than two weeks after converging upon the site of a devastating magnitude 7.0 earthquake, American anthropologists have confirmed the discovery of a small, poverty-stricken island nation, known to its inhabitants as "Haiti."
Dirk Nowitzki's 20,000 Points Not Worth Nearly As Much In European League #~# WURZBURG, GERMANY—According to current basketball point exchange rates, due to the weakened value of the NBA basket, Dirk Nowitzki's career 20,000-point total is worth just over half that much in Euroleague Basketball. "A traditional two-point American basket is worth 1.126 points in Europe," leading basket economist Dr. Benedikt Acton told reporters after Nowitzki's career milestone, later adding that while the NBA point is struggling, it is still strong against the IBL Punkt and the Chinese Basketball Association's fēn. " If Mr. Nowitzki would have remained in Germany, the value of his points would have remained stable. Then again, nobody could have predicted the soaring inflation that followed Kobe Bryant's 81-point game in 2006." Acton added that if the Celtics' defense remains strong, the NBA point could see a resurgence in the second half of the season.
Air America Ceases Operations #~# As of Thursday, liberal radio network Air America stopped all live programming and announced it was filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. What do you think? 
Paying The Bills With Dad #~# A&E;
Lane Kiffin Leaves USC For Dream Job At GameStop #~# LOS ANGELES—During his introductory press conference as USC's new head coach last Wednesday, Lane Kiffin told reporters that he would be leaving the school indefinitely to pursue his dream of working at GameStop. "I was approached by a cousin who works at the GameStop on Wilshire Boulevard, and when he said there was an open sales clerk position, I had to take it," said Kiffin, who then proudly placed a GameStop baseball cap on his head. "I have been going to that GameStop for years. I know the people there. I know the customers. This is just an opportunity I couldn't pass up." Before leaving the press conference, Kiffin told reporters that, while he is committed to GameStop, his heart will always belong to the Beverly Center Sunglass Hut. 
Good-Looking One Not Working Today #~# BROOKLYN, NY—To the great chagrin of sources at local coffee shop From the Ground Up, the Good-Looking One is not working today, and there is no evidence to suggest she will show up before the morning is over.
Vikings Criticized For Not Running Up Score High Enough On Cowboys #~# MINNEAPOLIS—All corners of the sporting world sounded off against the Minnesota Vikings this week for their conduct at the end of their divisional playoff game against the Dallas Cowboys, saying that even after a late touchdown made the score 34-3, the Vikings were obligated by general principle to humiliate the Cowboys further by attempting to score even more points. "As far as I'm concerned, by holding back against Dallas, the Vikings showed a complete disregard for gamesmanship,"said ESPN analyst Mark Schlereth, adding that, when a team has the Cowboys down, stomping on their throats and trying to win by 50 or even 60 points is the classy thing to do. "How about a long bomb to Rice while Terence Newman is half-assing it and looking ahead to next season? Maybe a fake punt? Maybe rubbing their noses in it by sending eight men to cripple Tony Romo? All I have to say is that [Vikings coach] Brad Childress should be ashamed of himself." Vikings quarterback Brett Favre responded to the controversy by saying that no team wants to be on the same field as the Cowboys any longer than they have to be.
Watching Faces Of Students As They Finish 'The Lottery' Highlight Of English Teacher's Year #~# CHICAGO—Ninth-grade Collins High School English teacher Melissa Hamlin told coworkers Monday that the one moment she looks forward to all year, watching her students reach the end of Shirley Jackson's short story The Lottery, is rapidly approaching. "Oh, my God, the looks on their faces when they realize the villagers are actually going to stone Mrs. Hutchinson to death right then and there!" said Hamlin, who added that she never allows students to read the story as a take-home assignment. "I'm almost too excited to sleep. Oh, it's so great! They're never gonna see it coming!" According to Hamlin, the rest of the academic year is a slow but predictably horrifying downward spiral of disillusionment and unending scholastic disappointments.
Bible Verses Encoded On U.S. Military Gun Sights #~# ABC News reported that, since 2005, military contractor Trijicon has been engraving coded Bible passages on sniper sights supplied to soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan. What do you think? 
The Perils Of Fan All-Star Voting #~# It's looking like a troubled All-Star Game for the NBA, with fans favoring Allen Iverson and Tracy McGrady even though both players have had subpar seasons. But it's not the first time fan involvement has muddied the All-Star waters.
Shaq Misses Entire Second Half With Pulled Pork Sandwich #~# CLEVELAND—Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal suffered a frustrating setback during his team's victory over the Toronto Raptors Tuesday night, when he was sidelined for the entire second half of the game with a pulled pork sandwich.
How Quickly Israel And Palestine Have Forgotten The Lessons Of 'Enemy Mine' #~# Every now and then, the world is taught a profound lesson about what it means to be human; it is given a symbol, a universal tale that shines light on the path to a better tomorrow and a true brotherhood of mankind. In 1985, Dennis Quaid and an alien named Jeriba gave us such a symbol, and their story changed an entire generation. Yet every time I read about the continuing horrors of the conflict in the Middle East, I can't help but wonder if the Israelis and Palestinians are somehow still living in a pre–Enemy Mine world.
Taco Bell Founder Dead #~# Glen W. Bell Jr., who started the Taco Bell franchise in 1962, died Sunday at 86. What do you think? 
Man Stuck In No-Man's Land Between Two Domino's Delivery Areas #~# AUBURN, WA—James Stallard, 29, experienced feelings of profound loneliness and alienation Monday upon discovering that his home lay just outside the delivery zones of two nearby Domino's Pizza franchises. "I am invisible, a nonexistent entity in the eyes of Domino's," Stallard uttered while staring blankly out his third-story window. "There is life in this apartment, hunger even, and yet…I cannot have a large pepperoni pizza, with chicken kickers, and a liter of Coke delivered to my home." At press time, Stallard reached up and touched his own face, just to make sure that he was in fact still there. 
Friendship Between Caterpillar, Horse Exploited For Cheap Children's Book #~# BLACKSBURG, VA—Scholars and critics across the country expressed outrage this week following the release of Chomper & Clomper, a children's book that some have called an irresponsible and exploitative portrayal of the celebrated friendship between Clomper, a Brandenburger gelding, and Chomper, a caterpillar of the Junonia genus.
Redskins Claim They Left Stacks Of Head Coach Applications In Major Inner Cities #~# WASHINGTON—Redskins officials maintained Wednesday that the organization made a conscientious effort to find a minority candidate to lead the team by distributing bundles of head-coaching applications in the slums and ghettos of major inner cities. "Look, we put piles of applications in high traffic areas near housing tenements, abandoned warehouses, and back alleys, but the response was disappointing," said team owner Dan Snyder, adding that, in the end, Mike Shanahan was the only person who really seemed to want the job. "It's not my fault these people didn't want to take the time to fill out an application and send it in." According to Snyder, the application featured sections to provide personal information, experience, offensive and defensive ideologies, and references who could prove that the candidate was not white.
God's Wrath According To Pat Robertson #~# 700 Club founder Pat Robertson stated that the earthquake in Haiti, which may have killed 100,000 people, was God's punishment for a deal Haitian slaves made with the devil 200 years ago to get out from under French rule. Here are some other tragedies and Robertson's explanations for them:
Everyone Proud Of Grandma For Staying Awake #~# BLANCHARD, OK—Members of the Haggerty family expressed wonder and admiration Tuesday night when, at the surprisingly late hour of 10:30 p.m., Grandma finally told them all good night and went to bed. “Wow, she did really good,” said Grandma’s son Ben Haggerty, gesturing toward the kitchen clock as relatives sitting around the table murmured in agreement. “I guess she was really enjoying having all of us here together. She was keeping up with the conversation and everything.” Granddaughter Vanessa recalled that the last time Grandma stayed up late was during last summer’s family reunion, when she not only made it past 10, but even managed to win a few hands of canasta.
The Celebrity Sorcerer's Apprentice #~# NBC
Former Fugee's Haiti Charity Under Scrutiny #~# In the wake of the recent earthquake, a Haiti charity run by rapper Wyclef Jean is under fire for its unusually high administrative costs and allegedly spending money on Jean's for-profit businesses. What do you think? 
'How Bad For The Environment Can Throwing Away One Plastic Bottle Be?' 30 Million People Wonder #~# WASHINGTON—Wishing to dispose of the empty plastic container, and failing to spot a recycling bin nearby, an estimated 30 million Americans asked themselves Monday how bad throwing away a single bottle of water could really be.
My Revenge Will Be Rushed And Unfulfilling #~# Ah, yes. The time is at hand. No more shall the countless humiliations you have heaped upon me go unanswered. At last, the moment of reckoning. A forced, sloppy, blink-and-you'll-miss-it reckoning.
CBS Producers Ask Shannon Sharpe To Use At Least 3 Real Words Per Sentence #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to clear up the confusion caused by terminology such as "unconsistentical" and "splosiverance," CBS producers made a formal request Monday that NFL Today commentator Shannon Sharpe use a minimum of three real words in each sentence. "We tried to convey to Mr. Sharpe that peppering in a few words that actually exist will help viewers understand what he's talking about," executive producer Sean McManus said. "Providing fans with some context is key for Shannon. It is much easier to comprehend what he means when he says, 'Andre Johnson needimentally must keep advantagizing opportunimals this week.'" Sharpe has yet to make any intelligible comment on the situation.
Jay-Z: 'On Second Thought, I Like Orlando More' #~# ORLANDO, FL—Though known for his personal homages to New York City in songs such as "Brooklyn's Finest" and "Empire State of Mind," hip-hop icon Jay-Z announced Monday that, upon closer reflection, he actually prefers the Greater Orlando area to the Big Apple. "New York is gritty and real and helped shape both my music and my life, but Orlando—Orlando has it all," said the 40-year-old recording artist. "Plenty of shops, amazing restaurants, and you're only minutes away from Universal Studios. Plus, Orlando is just a really great place to raise a family." Jay-Z went on to declare that if you could make it in Kissimmee–St. Cloud, you could probably make it anywhere.
Everclear Faces Iowa Ban #~# Following a hazing incident in which a freshman was hospitalized with a blood-alcohol content of 0.5 percent, Iowa is considering banning the high-proof neutral grain spirit known as Everclear. What do you think? 
Don't Spill The Beans #~# ION
Jersey Shore #~# BBC
Struggling US Airways Introduces $100 Million Bomb Fee #~# TEMPE, AZ—With holiday traffic down almost 4 percent compared to last year and business continuing to decline, US Airways announced Monday that it would allow VIP customers to bring bombs on board its flights for a one-time $100 million fee. "At US Airways, we want to show the world that we're willing to go the distance for customers our competitors repeatedly ignore," a press release read in part. "Your enrollment fee grants you full access to our prestigious Bomber's Club at participating airports, early boarding with choice of seat, the option to bring aboard knives and guns for a small additional surcharge, and allowance for an extra carry-on, which can of course be used for your bomb." The airline noted that an additional $50 million dollar deposit was required and would not be refunded in the event of a detonation.
Dusty Baker Destroys Aroldis Chapman's Arm Within Minutes Of Arrival #~# CINCINNATI—Within just a few minutes of Cuban pitcher Aroldis Chapman's arrival in the United States, Reds manager Dusty Baker had already overused and mangled the 21-year-old's arm beyond recognition, team sources reported Sunday. Baker, who has been accused of overtaxing young pitchers' arms in the past, reportedly greeted Chapman with a bucket of 250 baseballs and told him to "hurl them" as fast as he could, later encouraging the fastballer to "go nuts" with his pitching style. "He didn't even let me stretch out first," Chapman told reporters through an interpreter. "And when I started to wince from the pain and soreness, he just gave me a thumbs up, winked, and told me to keep throwing." At press time, Chapman had already been to the hospital for an oblique strain, a torn rotator cuff, and his second Tommy John surgery of the week.
'CSI' Set To Perform At Super Bowl Halftime Show #~# MIAMI—Just three weeks before its highly anticipated on-field performance at the Super Bowl XLIV halftime show, the popular CBS crime drama CSI is gearing up for what network executives are promising will be a "thrilling, high-tech whodunit on fourth and inches." 
Obama Consults CEOs About Modernizing Government #~# President Obama met with CEOs from 50 companies, including UPS and Microsoft, to consult with them about how to streamline government and improve services. What do you think? 
Horse-Drawn Carriage Confessions #~# HBO
Vick Calls Fumble In Cowboys Game 'The Worst Thing I've Ever Done' #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Eagles backup quarterback Michael Vick apologized to fans immediately after his team's 34-14 wild-card loss to the Cowboys Saturday, saying his fumbled handoff attempt late in the first half was "absolutely the most damning and hurtful act of [his] life." "I guess I just thought I could hand the ball off to the fullback without any repercussions, but never in my life have I been so wrong. Never," a visibly contrite Vick said to the assembled reporters. "I just want to apologize to my family, friends, and most important, the fans. There are things I have done in my time on this earth that I regret, but this fumble is undeniably the worst." Eagles fans responded to Vick's statement by saying he was absolutely correct. 
Roommate's Work Schedule Remains Complete And Total Mystery #~# BOSTON—Though Tom Alford has been living with him for more than three months, Kyle Fisher, 26, told reporters Sunday that his roommate's work schedule is more of a mystery now than it was when Alford moved in last October.
Community #~# NBC
Tom Brady: 'I'd Have Booed Us Too, But Patriots Fans Are Still Ungrateful Front-Running Shitheads' #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following a 33-14 drubbing at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady admitted that his team deserved to be booed, but said that "to suffer jeers from shortsighted brainless front-runners like Patriots fans was both laughable and pathetic." "The Ravens outplayed us here today, but I'm sorry, fuck all of you," Brady said to the Patriots' fan base, noting that the concept of a true Patriots fan was "barely even existent." "There's no doubt we could have executed better, just like there's no doubt those 68,756 slavering fair-weather pieces of shit in the stands have less right than anyone else to point that out. And if they have a problem with that, they should feel absolutely free to go fuck themselves." Brady added that, next to Pats fans, the Boston fans cheering for the Celtics' gang of johnny-come-lately mercenaries were the saddest fucking thing he'd ever seen.
U.S. Obesity Levels Out #~# According to statistics collected by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, obesity rates in the United States have remained constant over the past five years. What do you think? 
Make-A-Reasonable-Request Foundation Provides Sick Child With Decent Seats To Minnesota Timberwolves Game #~# MINNEAPOLIS—A dream nearly came true for leukemia patient Cody Patterson last week when the Make-A-Reasonable-Request Foundation provided the 10-year-old with free tickets to a Timberwolves game. “Satisfying the modest hopes of children like Cody is so rewarding,” said president Tom Jameson, whose organization aims to fulfill the most practical wishes of children suffering from terminal illnesses. “He originally wanted to sit on the bench and meet the players, but we were able to talk him down to a pair of sensibly priced tickets to a Monday home game. These two nonadjacent seats will really make his eyes light up.” In addition to providing a decent, largely unobstructed view of the game, the foundation agreed to go halfsies with Patterson on some nachos and a large drink. 
The Troubled Life Of Jayson Williams #~# Former Nets star Williams has pleaded guilty to aggravated assault in the 2002 accidental shooting death of his chauffeur, capping a years-long saga of depression and violence. We break down his troubled tale.
Mark McGwire Admits It Was Really Fucking Fun Hitting Baseballs So Far #~# NEW YORK—Former St. Louis Cardinals slugger, onetime single-season home run record holder, and admitted steroid abuser Mark McGwire came clean Monday, confessing that it was really fucking fun being able to hit baseballs so hard and far.
If You're Ever In Florence, You Have To Visit This Mediocre Trattoria I Know #~# So, I hear somebody's going on a little Italian vacation this spring. You lucky dog, you. Kelly and I were there for our 10th wedding anniversary last June, and we just had a tremendous time. Even though I know you probably have your whole trip planned out already, I want to say that, if you happen to find yourselves in Florence at any point, you absolutely have to set aside a night and visit this really middle-of-the-road little trattoria I know. 
World's Physicists Complete Study Of Physics #~# HARIMA, JAPAN—Saying that there was no more knowledge to acquire about the physical nature of the universe, the International Union of Pure and Applied Physics announced Monday that it had concluded the scientific study of matter, energy, force, and motion. "Yeah, that about does it for physics," said IUPAP member Sukekatsu Ushioda, powering down Japan's Super Photon ring particle accelerator. "All done. Math can pretty much take it from here." The world's top physicists also announced that they would celebrate the conclusion of physics by meeting at PJ's Pub later tonight for drinks. 
Dubai Debt Crisis Halts Building Of World's Largest Indoor Mountain Range #~# DUBAI—Representatives from the emirate of Dubai announced with disappointment this week that its recent debt crisis has forced developers to halt construction on the city's long-planned 22-mile-long indoor mountain range.
Conan May Leave 'Tonight' #~# Saying that he doesn't want to take part in the destruction of the Tonight Show legacy, Conan O'Brien announced he will step down from the program he began hosting eight months ago if NBC moves it to a later time slot. What do you think?
Shaolin At Home #~# TLC
Cowell Leaving 'American Idol' #~# Acerbic British talent-show judge Simon Cowell is leaving the program he has helped make popular over the past eight years. What do you think? 
Highlights of the Consumer Electronics Show #~# The 2010 Consumer Electronics Show took place last week in Las Vegas. Here are some of the must-have gadgets rolled out by the big manufacturers:
That Show About The Lady Sheriff Finally Released On DVD #~# WAVERLY, NE—A comprehensive 12-disc box set containing every episode of that show about the lady sheriff is now available for retail purchase, area shopper T. Eric Mayhew told reporters Saturday. The sitcom, which starred the blonde girl from those infomercials, used to be on TV all the time but hasn't aired in many years, sources reported. "Oh, that show about the lady sheriff," Mayhew said while perusing the aisles of a local Best Buy. "Nice." DVD extras include a commentary track with the blonde, the guys who came up with the show, and two-time guest star Dom Irrera.
Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—At first glance, high school senior Lucas Faber, 18, seems like any ordinary gay teen. He’s a member of his school’s swing choir, enjoys shopping at the mall, and has sex with other males his age. But lately, a growing worry has begun to plague this young gay man. A gnawing feeling that, deep down, he may be a fundamentalist, right-wing Christian.
Colts To Rest Starters For First Game Of Playoffs #~# INDIANAPOLIS—At his weekly press conference Monday, Colts head coach Jim Caldwell announced that he will rest key starters during the divisional round of the AFC playoffs to keep his players fresh for a Super Bowl run. "You can't win the Super Bowl if you don't get there with all your players healthy," said Caldwell, who added that next Saturday quarterback Peyton Manning would probably get the first two series, which will mostly be comprised of running plays. "Dwight [Freeney] and Dallas [Clark] will get about a quarter in the AFC Championship game. But honestly, even if we make it to the Super Bowl, I can't see playing these guys the whole game. The 2010 season is closer than you think." Throughout the entire press conference Manning could be seen in full uniform, stalking and pacing in the back of the room.
New Hulk Hogan Autobiography 300 Pages About The Psychology Of The Leg Drop #~# NEW YORK—Reviewers of Hulk Hogan's recently released autobiography My Life Outside The Ring were surprised to find that, aside from three chapters containing sketchy details of the wrestler's Florida childhood, the book contained nothing more than a highly detailed psychological analysis of the atomic leg drop, Hogan's signature wrestling move. "While the physical power of the leg drop itself is not inconsiderable, its true impact is to the confidence and self-image of the inner wrestler—an ego-driven class of para-performer/pseudo-athlete whose self-image is a carefully assembled yet delicate mental construct," writes Hogan, the six-time WWF champion and reality-show star. "Moreover, those subjects who undergo repeated application of the leg drop usually develop habits of inadvertent and almost universally negative introspection, i.e., the tendency to question exactly why they entered the ring with the person or persons subjecting them to said leg drop." Sports psychologists are calling My Life Outside The Ring an innovative if somewhat single-minded opus, marred only by Hogan's rather didactic prose style and frequent mentions of his desire to leg drop his ex-wife, Linda.
Kids, Your Mother Is Ready To Start Fucking Again #~# Jordan, Tyler, come here. Sit down. I wanted to speak to you today about something that's been on Mommy's mind a lot lately. As you know, it's been almost two whole years since your father passed away, and we all miss him very, very much. But after a long period of mourning, I think we've finally healed enough as a family to begin moving forward with our lives. So, after giving it a lot of thought, your mother has come to the decision that she is finally ready to start fucking again.
Afghan Warlord Not Sure Which Side He Feels Like Helping Today #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—As late as the third call to prayer Wednesday afternoon, Afghan warlord Najibullah Muhibi had still not determined which side—Taliban insurgents or U.S. Army—he would provide with useful intelligence that day. "Boy oh boy, I tell you, both allegiances just seem so tempting today!" Muhibi said through an interpreter contracted by the State Department. "I suppose I should just pick whichever one strikes my fancy. Either way, I make a lot of money, no? What a glorious day to be alive!" After much thought, Muhibi resolved to share with the Americans the location of a Taliban weapons cache, the directions to which involved driving directly past a concealed roadside bomb.
Reid Under Fire For Racially Charged Comments #~# In a new book about the 2008 presidential campaign, Harry Reid is quoted as saying that Obama could be elected because he was "light-skinned" and did not speak in a "Negro dialect." What do you think?
We Don't Have That #~# BRAVO
New Grown-Up Monitor Allows Children To Listen In On Parents Crying #~# EAST AURORA, NY—Fisher-Price announced the release of a new grown-up monitor Monday that will allow children to remotely keep tabs on their crying parents at a range of up to 400 feet. "Being a grown-up can be very stressful," said spokeswoman Lynn Clancy. "Whether Mommy's crying all day because she didn't marry the man she really loved or Daddy's sobbing in bed because he just knows some 23-year-old hotshot is going to get that promotion he desperately needs, children can feel secure knowing that they'll be able to hear every last emotional breakdown in full, crystal-clear detail." While the ParentCom is currently available only as an audio system, a new model with a video component allowing children to observe their parents sitting far apart in the living room and quietly seething is expected to be released next summer.
Tom Coughlin Scores 2 Touchdowns In Season-Ending Speech To Giants Defense #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Following the Giants' embarrassing 44-7 loss to the Vikings, 63-year-old head coach Tom Coughlin further manhandled the Giants defense Sunday, scoring two more touchdowns against them during the eight minutes of his season-ending speech. "In the end, Coach [Coughlin] just got the better of us," said defensive end Justin Tuck, who was later caught flat-footed by several reporters who added another touchdown during Tuck's postgame press conference. "He exploited our weaknesses, and we just couldn't stop him. I guess he just wanted it more than we did." Tuck later blamed a porous Giants defense for allowing play-by-play man Bob Papa and color commentator Carl Banks to score two more touchdowns and a field goal during their postgame remarks.
Obama To Wait For Next Bruce Springsteen Album For Word On Economy #~# WASHINGTON—Faced with the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, the White House announced Tuesday that a cautious President Obama is awaiting the release of the next Bruce Springsteen album before moving forward with additional economic stimulus initiatives. "If Mr. Springsteen puts out an E-Street Band project with one rave-up and several tracks containing an overarching theme of redemption, the president will certainly take that as a strong indicator of economic recovery," said press secretary Robert Gibbs, adding that an album cover featuring an American flag would be "extremely promising." "However, if he records a stark, haunting, Nebraska-esque exploration of blue-collar life, then it is time to lower interest rates and take immediate steps toward drastically reevaluating our current strategy." The president has reportedly eschewed the supplementary Mellencamp Little Pink Housing Index used during the Reagan administration, as economists now widely believe it conveys a derivative, shallow view of the American fiscal landscape.
State Of The Union Could Coincide With 'Lost' Premiere #~# Fans of the show Lost were up in arms when it was announced that President Obama's State of the Union address might preempt the show's season premiere. What do you think? 
Woman Married To Fat, Emotionally Distant Vampire Escapes Into 'Twilight' Novels #~# NEW ORLEANS—Acknowledging years of marital dissatisfaction and a noticeable increase in her vampire husband's weight, 43-year-old Sara Pastor told reporters Thursday that she often seeks solace by losing herself in the escapist fantasy of the Twilight novels.
Hanes Her Way Fashion Show #~# CBS
Resigned Jason Bay: "Well, I'm A Met Now" #~# NEW YORK—At an introductory press conference at Citi Field Tuesday, Jason Bay donned a blue and orange hat, sighed deeply, and announced that he was, indeed, a New York Met. "Well, here we are," Bay seemed to say to himself while tightly gripping the lectern and slowly shaking his head. "I guess I'm a Met now. A New York Met. I was on the Red Sox for the past couple of years, they offered me $60 million to stay, but instead here I am with the Mets. Not exactly sure how that happened, but yeah, I'm thrilled to be here. Just thrilled." Bay became more animated when musing aloud about the possibility of a trade, but fell quiet once he realized that possibility wasn't very realistic.
Man Gets Life In Order For 36 Minutes #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Briefly overcoming a near-continuous streak of disorganization, area man Terry Oberlin, 37, got his life together for exactly 36 minutes, sources confirmed Monday.
The Quiet Man #~# AMC
Colt McCoy's Unusually Tragic Boyhood Dream Comes True #~# PASADENA, CA—Following a 37-21 loss to Alabama in which he suffered a game-ending injury just five plays in and was forced to watch the Crimson Tide defense take advantage of his absence, Texas quarterback Colt McCoy told reporters that the heart-breaking defeat fulfilled a depressing dream he has had since he was a boy growing up in New Mexico. "I think every kid, whether he is playing high school football or a pickup game with friends, imagines what it would be like to one day lead your team to the Rose Bowl, stand on the sidelines, and then helplessly watch your team get dismantled on the grandest stage imaginable," said a teary-eyed McCoy, adding that the irony of never missing a game due to injury until the most important game of his life was just icing on the cake. "This was a dreadful storybook ending. I really couldn't ask for more." McCoy added that he plans on fulfilling another of his wretched boyhood dreams by being a bust in the upcoming NFL draft and having a largely disappointing NFL career.
Concussed Texas Tech Receiver After Emerging From Dark Shed: 'That Was Exactly What I Needed' #~# LUBBOCK, TX—Adam James, whom Red Raiders head coach Mike Leach confined to a dark storage shed after suspecting the player of exaggerating or fabricating a head injury, emerged from isolation Monday saying he "felt great" and that his time in the shed was "exactly what [he] needed." "At first I thought it sounded stupid, even kind of cruel, but I have to admit it worked like a charm. My head feels awesome, 100 percent," said James, who was surprised to learn that during his recuperation Leach had been fired. "That shed is magic. Coach was right all along. He's a great guy." James' father, ESPN college football reporter Craig James, has taken time to praise Leach and his shed-confinement practice on the air and will reportedly contact university officials to advocate Leach's reinstatement.
Dodd Steps Down #~# In the wake of his failed bid for president and sliding poll numbers, Sen. Christopher Dodd (D-CT) announced Wednesday that he would not seek reelection in 2010. What do you think?
Everyone At Hospital Already Hates Wes Welker #~# BOSTON—Though injured New England Patriots wide receiver Wes Welker has only been in the hospital for five days, doctors, nurses, support staff, and fellow patients told reporters Thursday that the extremely passionate and determined Welker has already annoyed the hell out of everyone.
Tonight I'm Going To Party Like It's The 10th Anniversary of 1999! #~# 10…9…8…7…6…5… 4…3…2…1…Happy New Ye-—oops! I've already broken all of my resolutions!
Several Probably Killed In Shooting, Lazy Police Report Confirms #~# AKRON, MI—According to a hastily written police report, anywhere from several to half a dozen people were killed at some point Monday in what officers described as a tragic shooting or stabbing of some kind. "It was hard to get an exact body count, because the ambulances were obstructing our view, and we were in kind of a hurry to make our dinner reservation," wrote Sgt. Ken Morris, who in his description of the scene stated that, from where he was standing, a couple of victims appeared to have been killed execution style. "But if I had to guess, my gut tells me maybe about five people were shot." At press time, details from the one person who witnessed the crime were unavailable, as Morris gave up on the interview when his pen ran out of ink.
Would-Be Bomber's Visa Revoked #~# The State Department announced Tuesday that it has revoked the visa of Nigerian Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the man who tried to blow up a Northwestern flight to Detroit on Christmas Day. What do you think?
Clint Eastwood Continues Desperate, 40-Year Attempt To Win Over Unimpressed Man #~# LOS ANGELES— Five-time Academy Award winner and Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood attended a press junket Tuesday to promote his new film Invictus, the latest project in the director's long line of failed attempts to impress Wheeling, WV resident Daryl Lorrimer. 
The Making Of The Behind The Scenes Of 'Avatar' #~# TMC
Hangover Cures #~# The holidays are a traditional time for overindulgence in alcohol. Here are some of the more common hangover cures:
Attractive Woman, Wealthy Man Somehow Making It Work #~# GREENWICH, CT—Despite their disparate backgrounds, lack of mutual interests, and seemingly insurmountable gap in age, former Miss Kentucky finalist Amber Williams, 26, and multimillionaire real estate mogul Chester R. Williams II, 61, told reporters Monday that they somehow continue to make their marriage work. "The moment I saw her, I knew I wanted to marry her," said Chester Williams, adding that the couple's relationship has inexplicably persevered despite the fact that they usually only see each other one or two nights a week. "Amber said she had always been waiting for somebody like me to come along and sweep her off her feet. I suppose she was exactly what I was looking for, too." Sources close to the pair confirmed that it is almost as if the two were "made for each other."
Beatty Bedded 12,775 Women, Book Says #~# According to a biography by Peter Biskind, actor Warren Beatty has had sex with approximately 12,775 women in the past 52 years. What do you think?
Nation's Nipples Severely Under-Clamped, U.S. Bureau Of Masochism Reports #~# WASHINGTON—A new study released this week by the U.S. Bureau of Masochism has concluded that American nipples are critically under-clamped, bolstering long-held suspicions that the nation is rapidly losing interest in the thin, delectable line between pleasure and pain. 
I Have Finally Achieved The Status Of Gamma Male #~# Listen up, world. It's been a long, hard road, but here I am, at the top of the heap. Well, not the top, exactly, but pretty darn close. Relatively speaking. No, no, over here. Yeah. Below the first two guys.
Man Unable To Wear Nice Clothes Without Everyone Asking Questions #~# MENASHA, WI—Expressing his growing frustration, IT support technician Chris Brennan, 28, told reporters Monday that he is incapable of wearing a button-up shirt and khaki pants without every person he knows asking him why. "If I wear anything at all besides jeans, people are like, 'Where you going? Got a big night out?'" Brennan said. "Or they say, 'Ooh, look who's all dressed up. You have some kind of job interview or something?' I mean, Christ, come on. It's just a shirt with buttons." Brennan conceded that, on a positive note, some of his coworkers were extra nice to him because they assumed he was going to a funeral service. 
6 Million Live On Only Food Stamps #~# Around 6 million Americans report that food stamps are their only source of income. What do you think? 
Hoarders #~# A&E;
Most People Exposed To Secondhand Smoke #~# According to the World Health Organization, over 94 percent of people around the globe are unprotected from secondhand smoke. What do you think? 
Department Of Interior Employee Caught Embezzling 50,000 Wolves #~# BILLINGS, MT—In what is being called the largest wildlife embezzlement scheme in more than 40 years, Department of Interior employee Stephen Kendrick, 48, was caught Monday diverting large sums of wolves from Yellowstone National Park into an offshore Cayman Islands reserve. "We initially became suspicious when we noticed an unusually large surplus of elk this year," said Jon Jarvis, director of the National Park Service. "After a closer look, it was clear someone was skimming wolves off the top. We should have known. On his salary there was no way he could have that many wolves." This is the largest wildlife misappropriation in the United States since 1968, when the FBI closed down several Chicago pet stores that had illegally obtained more than 300,000 cottontail rabbits in the nation's biggest-ever bunny laundering scam.
Cat Refuses To Die #~# SOMERVILLE, MA—Despite his advanced age, near-complete physical decay, and constant bouts of renal failure, area cat Socrates vehemently refuses to die, sources reported Tuesday. 
Undercover Employee #~# CBS
Olympic Athletes Hoping To Exchange Bent-Up Medals For Normal Ones #~# VANCOUVER—A number of medal winners at the 2010 Winter Olympics admitted Tuesday that they looked forward to exchanging their inexplicably beat-up medals for regular ones that weren't completely dented for some reason. "When I was on the podium, I was like, what the hell is this?" said speed skater Shani Davis, adding that his gold and silver medals looked as though they had been "beat to shit." "Then I figured that they were just using these old medals for the ceremony so nobody would lose the nice, normal, non-fucked-up ones during all the excitement. I know a bunch of people who just recycled theirs afterward." Alpine skier Julia Mancuso told reporters that she knew an auto-body guy who could probably hammer her medals flat.
Sierra Leone Diamond Miner Devastated By News Of Broken-Off Engagement #~# KENEMA, SIERRA LEONE—Standing waist-deep in one of the many gravel pits that surround the city of Kenema, and struggling to fight off the harsh African sun, local diamond miner Muwomba D'akari was deeply saddened Monday to learn of Linda Hines and David Meyer's recently canceled wedding engagement.
Bar Thinks They Have Curling Figured Out #~# DOYLESTOWN, PA—After three hours of watching Canada take on Denmark in women's curling Friday, regulars at the Cargo Grill in suburban Pennsylvania felt they had the rules and traditions of the sport sufficiently sussed out. "We basically think it's like horseshoes but with ice," bar patron Jim Comito said of the 500-year old sport. "The middle part of the bull's-eye thing is worth two points unless they both get their pot-looking thing in the middle. Tommy said they use the brooms to clear little ice particles out of the way, but I still think it's a static electricity thing." By the tenth end, the entire bar felt they had enough information at their disposal to chant "Curl! Curl! Curl!" at the television.
Seven O'Clock Saturday Night At The Olive Garden #~# CBS
GM Closing Hummer #~# After a takeover deal with a Chinese manufacturer fell through, General Motors announced that it would shut down its Hummer line. What do you think?
Highlights From The 2010 Winter Olympics #~# As the 21st Winter Games draw to a close, we look back on moments that will live on in Olympic history:
Senator Dikembe Mutombo Blocks Record Amount Of Legislation #~# WASHINGTON—Sen. Dikembe Mutombo (R-CO) showed that he is still one of the most dominant big men in Congress Thursday, blocking a record 16 bills in one legislative session.
Wal-Mart Shoppers Mocked By Target Shopper #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Local shopper Craig Klein took a moment to mock a group of patrons in the parking lot of a local Wal-Mart during his drive Thursday to the Target on the other side of the highway. "Guess it's time for Cooter and Horlene to stock up on turlit paper and Cheez Doodles," Klein scoffed on his way to purchase affordable, designer-inspired bathroom supplies and a family-size bag of pita chips. "They sure don't look like they're buying any soap, I'll tell you that much. Oh, man, that is just sad." Shortly after parking at his destination, Klein was himself the focus of a raised eyebrow from a Volvo driver on her way to Crate and Barrel. 
Bristol Palin As Herself #~# Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol will appear on the ABC Family program The Secret Life Of The American Teenager playing herself. What do you think?
Daytime, Nighttime 7-11 Clerks Have Vastly Different Opinions Of Area Man #~# CHICAGO—In separate interviews with reporters Monday, the daytime and nighttime clerks of a local 7-Eleven provided sharply contrasting opinions on the personality and temperament of regular customer Chris Coles.
If Only I'd Listened To Virtually Anyone #~# I can't believe I did it again. They tried to tell me—all of them did—but I didn't heed any of their warnings. Why do I have to be so stubborn? Why won't I just take every single person seriously?
Top Sous Chef #~# BRAVO
One Year Into The Stimulus Plan #~# It's been one year since the launch of the $787 billion federal stimulus package. 
Sentimental Pitchers And Catchers Fulfill Promise Of Meeting In Exact Same Spot One Year Later #~# SARASOTA, FL—Fulfilling a promise they made one year ago, nostalgic MLB pitchers and catchers reported to the exact same spot Thursday to recount memories of what many of them called "the best spring training ever." "Oh my God, you guys, I can't believe we're here. Let's see if that Gatorade bottle with the notes we wrote to each other is still buried under the pitcher's mound," said the visibly giddy Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina, adding that everyone at camp looked older, but "in, like, a good way." "Would you look at us? We're all so different. Zack [Greinke] is an award winner now, and Roy [Halladay] is a Phillie. Wow. Let's promise to make this spring training even better than last year's spring training." Despite all the emotional and professional changes many of the players had gone through in the past year, all agreed they were there to do one thing, which was pitching and catching.
10-Year-Old Shocked Woman From 'Guinness Book' Who Can Pop Her Eyes Out Not A Millionaire #~# CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Stunned shock and dismay were just a few of the reactions from Bobby Guntergrass on Tuesday when the 10-year-old learned that the woman from The Guinness Book Of World Records who has the ability to pop her bulging eyeballs nearly all the way out of their sockets was not a millionaire. "No way, she's gotta to be rich," said Guntergrass, adding that, if he himself possessed the woman's unique attribute, he would be a billionaire. "Maybe she spent it all on a giant house. Yeah, that makes sense. She probably bought a huge mansion." At press time, Guntergrass had reportedly grown even more disillusioned after learning that the man who holds the record for the world's longest fingernails lives in a developing nation and has no access to clean water.
Guns Now Legal In National Parks #~# A law that took effect Monday makes it legal to carry loaded guns in national parks, as long as owners comply with state rules. What do you think?
Latest Sarah Palin Speech Opens Sixth Seal #~# IDAHO FALLS, ID—Speaking unto an audience of anti-immigration advocates, global-warming deniers, and members of the Tea Party Nation, former Alaska governor and vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin gave forth utterances Monday that reportedly opened the sixth seal of the Book of the Apocalypse.
I Bought An Awesome Gun That Makes Me Feel Like God, But I Hope I Never Have To Use It #~# You never know when life could take a tragic turn. One moment you're sleeping comfortably in your home and the next you suddenly find yourself in a position where you have to protect your loved ones' very lives. It was that thought, as well as the admittedly awesome and glorious window display at Atkins Gun Shop, a display that seemed to call to me from on high, that led to my recent purchase of a Colt Python .357 Magnum revolver. 
Local Snowplow Guy Ruins Winter Olympics #~# VANCOUVER—The 2010 Winter Olympics were postponed indefinitely Friday morning after snowplow operator Dominic Wondolowski arrived on the scene Thursday night, a snowplow affixed to his 1994 Ford F-150, and proceeded to clear out nearly all of the snow from every Olympic venue. "Can't believe V-DOT isn't on this yet," said Wondolowski, referring to the Vancouver Department of Transportation as he plowed Whistler Olympic Park's cross-country skiing course and spread road salt along the halfpipe. "I think I pretty much got all of it, including the driveways and the slick stretch on that mountain with all the flags sticking out of it. Gotta make sure kids can get to school safe in the morning." The 63-year-old Wondolowski reportedly does not get paid for his services.
Paleontologists: 'We've Been Looking At Dinosaurs Upside Down' #~# SALT LAKE CITY—In a paradigm-shattering revelation that has shocked the scientific community, paleontologists from the Utah Geological Survey offered definitive proof Wednesday that, for the past 175 years, everyone has been looking at dinosaur fossils upside down. "How they moved, what their appendages were for, we were wrong about everything," said Dr. Brian Kirch, explaining that new evidence indicates the animals slid along on what was once believed to be their backs. "Basically they scooted around by grabbing nearby vines with their mouths and pulling their bodies. Almost like a snake. What we used to think were legs were actually big flippers that flapped about in the air, driving them forward. Incredible." Kirch told reporters that when you think about it, paleontology makes a lot more sense now.
Schwarzenegger Says State Bouncing Back #~# Declaring that his state is showing "signs of a comeback," California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that the worst of the recession is over. What to you think?
Olympic Curling #~# NBC
Spud Webb Getting Smaller And Smaller Every Time People Recount 1986 Dunk Contest #~# ATLANTA—In recent accounts of Spud Webb's astounding victory in the 1986 NBA Slam-Dunk Contest, basketball fans across the nation have reportedly exaggerated the diminutive point guard's size by greatly diminishing his height with each retelling of the event. "I totally remember he was like 3-foot-5-inches tall and he did this amazing 180-degree reverse double-pump slam," Hawks fan Eric Davis said of the 5-foot-7 Webb, who was 4-foot-9 and dunked from the foul line the last time Davis told the story. "Spud really wasn't much bigger than a basketball. He just blew everybody away in the final round when he rode into the arena on a hamster, ripped off his G.I. Joe doll uniform warm-up pants, threw the ball at the backboard, ran between a small child's legs, jumped up to Dominique Wilkins' palm, and springboarded off it to do a 360-degree two-handed dunk." Sources later confirmed that on the rare occasion that people talk about Nate Robinson's dunk contests, the Knicks guard remains 5-foot-9 inches tall, as nobody really cares enough to exaggerate his exploits.
Geithner Refuses To Come Down Off Capitol Dome #~# WASHINGTON—Three days after a sulking Timothy Geithner climbed to the top of the U.S. Capitol dome, the treasury secretary remained steadfast Monday in his refusal to come down. "You all hate me," said Geithner, his arms crossed as he shouted at the crowd of onlookers gathered on the Capitol lawn below. "What do you care if I stay up here? You'll just make fun of me if I come down anyway. Well, I'm not coming down—not ever!" Federal security teams monitoring the situation said they believed Geithner might be planning an extended stay atop the dome, as evidenced by what appeared to be a burlap sack containing various snacks, a six-pack of root beer, and several copies of The Economist.
School Accused of Using Laptops To Spy on Students #~# A suburban Philadelphia high school is being sued for giving students laptops with cameras and then remotely activating them. What do you think? 
Former Prom King Now Living Anonymously Among Commoners #~# GRESHAM, OR—Sean Fowler, the man once revered throughout the halls of Barlow High School as prom's one true king, has for the past several years lived a meager existence among the very peasants who used to tremble at the mere mention of his name, sources reported Monday. 
Construction Restricts Daytona 500 Traffic To One Lane #~# DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Construction crews working to patch the rippled and broken asphalt of Daytona International Speedway reduced traffic to a single lane during last Sunday's Daytona 500, resulting in average speeds of 35 miles per hour. "It's bad enough that they can't get this fixed during the week," said race winner Jamie McMurray, who finished in just over 15 hours. "And NASCAR doubles the fines for speeding in work zones, so there was nothing we could do." Disagreeing with McMurray was Emilio Ramirez, operator of the No. 0563 Rolaids/Chick-fil-A Caterpillar road grader, who earned time-and-a-half for the race and called the event a "rousing success."
Real Estate Developers Push To Rebrand Murder Heights Neighborhood Of Baltimore #~# BALTIMORE—In an effort to revitalize several distressed areas of the city, a coalition of local real estate developers announced ambitious plans Monday to rebrand Baltimore's historic Murder Heights district.
Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex #~# PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.
Ghost Whisperer #~# CBS
CIA Forced To Complete All Scheduled Torture In One Hectic Weekend #~# WASHINGTON—Following the launch of a Justice Department criminal probe into the CIA's alleged abuse of detainees, the intelligence agency was forced last week to complete months of previously scheduled torture over the course of one frenzied weekend. "We were already way behind on false executions as it was," said CIA director Leon Panetta, who was overseeing the consolidation of several human pyramids into one large one so that relentless tauntings and other dehumanizing practices could be accomplished more efficiently. "Only three of the car batteries have any juice left, and these poor dogs are almost too tired to strike. If we weren't keeping these guys awake 24-7, there's no way we'd be able to wrap this up by Sunday." Panetta said that if the CIA didn't finish in time, he will order a covert operative to assassinate Russian president Dmitry Medvedev to take some of the pressure off.
Lawmaker Seeks To Ban U.S. Currency #~# Mike Pitts, a representative in the South Carolina legislature, has proposed a law that would replace dollars with gold and silver in his state. What do you think? 
Chinese Crested Dog's Beautifully Descended Testicles Bring Divided Nation Together #~# NEW YORK—Awed and inspired by the gloriously formed, beautifully descended testicles of Tommy, a hairless Chinese crested dog competing in his second Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, millions of U.S. citizens took stock of their lives and set aside their differences Tuesday to stare at the canine's perfectly groomed reproductive glands. "Those trembling orbs are so breathtakingly magnificent in and of themselves, yet they also contain within them such potential," said Allentown, PA machinist and former Tea Party member Roy Halbstead, who, upon seeing the dog's testicles on Animal Planet, immediately committed himself to the cause of reconciliation and healing America's rifts. "Furthermore, while they are two separate entities, they share one canine scrotum and work together for a common goal. Truly those dog testes are the very symbol of our great nation." Despite the unparalleled unifying powers displayed by Tommy's messianic testicles, the award for Best Testicles in Show went to Aubrey's Bellerophon, a 3-year-old huge-sacked Dogue de Bordeaux.
I Don't Talk Much, But When I Do, Nobody Really Cares #~# I'm not the type of guy who likes to throw his opinions around willy-nilly. Most of the time, I'm happy enough to just sit back and take in what everyone else has to say. Once in a great while, though, I'll decide to speak up and make my feelings known, and when I do, boy, you'd better believe that nobody pays any attention.
Tom Of MySpace Gone? #~# Breaking with years of tradition, MySpace no longer automatically adds company cofounder and former president Tom Anderson as the first friend of every new user who signs up for the social networking site. What do you think? 
Gay Marriage Passes In 9 States After Area Homosexual Dunks On Regulation Rim #~# MONTGOMERY, AL—A two-handed slam dunk by an openly homosexual man set off a chain of events this week that culminated in the legalization of gay marriage in nine states, including Mississippi and Alabama. "When I saw that dunk, I was like, 'Whoa!'" said Alabama state Sen. Hinton Mitchem, adding that his office was flooded with calls and e-mails from constituents demanding legal recognition of same-sex marriages following the slam. "A guy with nasty moves like that should be entitled to the same fundamental rights as the rest of us." On Thursday, the New York State Senate passed a resolution declaring that it would take a pretty sweet roundhouse kick from a gay mixed martial arts champion before it would allow homosexuals to marry.
Scrappy Crew Of 'Good Morning America' Decides To Put On A News Show #~# NEW YORK—Saying they were bored and there was nothing fun to do in the ABC studios, the spunky crew of Good Morning America announced "really big plans" Thursday to write and broadcast their very own television news show all by themselves.
That Show That Guy From High School Was In #~# CBS
Stocking Up For Weather Emergencies #~# In anticipation of the snowstorms that paralyzed the mid-Atlantic, store shelves were stripped bare, leaving some unlucky citizens without the bare essentials. Here are the items you should not be without if you're snowed in:
Lindsey Vonn Credits Success To Really Good Ski Poles #~# VANCOUVER—World Champion skier and Olympic gold medal favorite Lindsey Vonn admitted yesterday that the secret to her success is her "really, really good ski poles." "There's no way I would have won 31 World Cup races without these great, great ski poles," Vonn told reporters during a press conference, noting that without the top-of-the-line ski poles, it would be difficult for her to maintain her balance or change directions during competition. "I use them a lot because I'm always skiing, and they haven't broken in half or anything. I think they're really expensive too, like over 50 bucks." Vonn, who said she was unsure if her ski poles were made of graphite or carbon fiber, urged reporters to trust her when she said that "whatever they're made of is definitely the best."
Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls #~# EVANSVILLE, IN—In an effort to keep pace with the rapid growth of American mouthfuls, flatware manufacturer KitchenMaster announced yesterday the addition of a fifth tine to its line of dinner forks. "These days, a traditional four-tined fork is just not enough to handle the quantities of food people shove down their throats," said company spokesman Ken Krimstein, holding up a fork supporting six separate tortellini, two turkey sausages, and some mashed potatoes. "To stay relevant to our customer base and bring back some of those who have given up on using utensils entirely, this was an adjustment we just had to make." Krimstein added that the augmented forks would soon be followed by 25 percent deeper spoons and 3-gallon gravy boats.
Holyfield Reportedly Hit Wife #~# Candi Holyfield, the third wife of Evander Holyfield, said the former heavyweight champion hit her in the face and head because he thought she had not tithed to their church. What do you think?
U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion #~# WASHINGTON—The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.
Oh, Golly #~# CMT
Senator Misses Simpler Time When He Could Do Abominable Things In Peace #~# WASHINGTON—After being targeted by a Senate Ethics Committee probe for engaging in alleged improprieties with a former staffer, Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) took the Senate floor Tuesday to recall a kinder, simpler time when legislators like himself could commit abhorrent acts "without a care in the world." "Used to be a fella could have a lobbyist deliver bags of cash to his office first thing in the morning, leer openly at a buxom young page, and by noon be enjoying a $35 glass of scotch at the Four Seasons without having done a lick of work," Ensign said before pausing to sigh and gaze wistfully up at the ceiling. "Nowadays, I can't even accept inappropriate gifts from campaign donors with mob ties without thinking twice. What is this country coming to?" Ensign also rued the fact that his staff is too busy keeping him out of public scandals for any of them to have an affair with him.
You Are Your Own Worst Enemy, And After That, It's Count Dementox #~# Look, we need to talk, because, frankly, I've been worried about you lately. Your bad attitude; your lack of motivation; the way you've been letting things slide. To tell you the truth, it's getting hard for me to watch. You have a lot of wonderful qualities, but the reality is that you can also be your own worst enemy, worse even than the architect of insanity himself, Count Dementox. 
Obese Filmmaker Booted From Flight #~# Kevin Smith, director of such films as Clerks and Clerks II was ejected from a Southwest Airlines flight this weekend because of pilot concerns over his weight. What do you think? 
World Inspired By First Snowman To Win Luge #~# VANCOUVER—In what has become the most inspiring story at the XXI Winter Olympiad, the luge was won Sunday by the most unlikely of competitors: Tom, a snowman rolled together just two days earlier by the Kansy family of Vancouver. "Another barrier falls, marking a historic day for iced people everywhere," was the call from NBC's Bob Costas as Tom took the top spot on the Olympic victory podium. "Tom has proven it matters not the composition of your skin, only whether you are capable of competing at the highest possible level. He entered these Olympics as Tom the Snowman, but history will remember him as Tom the Luger." Tom was unavailable for comment as the Kansy family had only given him a twig for a mouth.
Ford Recalls 2010 Mustang For Being Too Cool #~# DETROIT—-Ford officials issued a massive recall of the entire 2010 Mustang line Tuesday, apologizing for a quality-control oversight that led to the company manufacturing a badass muscle car that was way too awesome for the American public. “We deeply regret this lapse in judgment and accept full responsibility for the mistake,” Ford CEO Alan R. Mulally said standing beside a gorgeous, cherry-red vehicle recalled for being “way too smoking.” “After numerous road tests, we’ve found the car to be a mean, mean ride that Americans are simply not cool enough to handle, and it would be irresponsible of us to allow anyone to get behind the wheel of this killer car. It’s truly frightening how sweet the Mustang is.” According to Mulally, Ford has canceled production on the 2011 Mustang, and will instead release a line of fuel-efficient vehicles in an effort to appeal to boring old Americans.
Tea Party Movement Hopelessly Divided Into Enraged, Apoplectic Factions #~# WASHINGTON—Organizers of the Tea Party movement, a group opposed to the federal government’s attempts to alleviate the ongoing financial crisis through increased spending and taxation, announced today that their members have split down reactionary lines into those who are apoplectic in regard to the Obama administration and those who are merely enraged. “This rift is absolutely irresolvable,” screamed red-faced events coordinator Daniel Hume, head of the movement’s apoplectic faction. “We believe that now is simply not the time to be irrationally furious about unprecedented economic policies that have had little more than a year to start showing any signs of effectiveness. Now is the time to be foaming-at-the-mouth, incoherently livid about them.” A third camp of angry protesters had reportedly emerged from the recent upheaval, but its entire membership tragically died from massive brain aneurysms shortly after the group formed.
Flat, Unending Landscape Still Makes Veteran Cross-Country Skier Nervous Before Race #~# VANCOUVER—Though he has competed in hundreds of sanctioned events and two prior Winter Olympics, veteran cross-country skier Kris Freeman admitted to reporters Friday that the foreboding sight of an unfathomably flat and endless landscape still causes him apprehension before each race. "I've done this thousand of times before, but when I'm in that starting gate, and I see the featureless snow-covered tableau of the course ahead of me, it just scares me to death," Freeman said. "I'll be shaking from the monotony, but once that first rush of boredom kicks in the fear just disappears." Freeman added that he was equally terrified every time he crossed the finish line, claiming that he's never been comfortable with the lack of lights, television cameras, family, and fans who never shout his name or ask for autographs. 
Psychiatric Tome Getting Long-Awaited Update #~# A draft of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders (DSM) has been posted for online review before its publication in 2013. What do you think?
Rise In Teen Pregnancy Proves Teens Still Got It #~# WASHINGTON—Squashing any fears that they might have lost it, a 3 percent increase in teen pregnancy rates positively confirmed Tuesday that America's teenagers still have it and, in some cases, are rocking it harder than ever.
650-Pound Virgin #~# DISCOVERY HEALTH
Extremely Uptight Olympic Procession Director During Opening Ceremony: 'Wrong, Wrong, This Is All Wrong!' #~# VANCOUVER—Olympic Procession director Bryan Anderson, known for his vigilant attention to detail and his violent temper, was furious with the apparent "sloppiness" and "unprofessionalism" during the athletes' opening ceremony march-in Friday night, sources reported. "No! Wrong! Don't cue the chimes now. It's too early. The chimes come on during Belgium, not Belarus!" a red-faced Anderson was overheard yelling just moments before he flipped over a chair and fired a handful of Olympic staffers for their "apparent decision to be morons today." "Come on, we got Azerbaijan on hold in the tunnel, let's move, people. You had your moment, Egypt. Less waving, more walking. Would it kill the Swiss to unravel their flag before they bring it out? Where's my spotlight? Where the hell is my goddamned spotlight?" Once the entire ceremony was completed, Anderson reportedly took a deep breath, smiled, and said, "We did it. Great work, everyone."
Forgotten Assyrian God Revived To Name Sports Drink #~# NEW YORK—Representatives from the sports drink manufacturer Powerade announced Wednesday that Nisroch, the ancient Assyrian god of agriculture, has been resurrected from the depths of Assyro-Babylonian mythology to serve as the key marketing figure for their newest product, Nisroch: Eagle Heart X-TREME WHIRLWIND! 
Life After People #~# HISTORY
Child Slavery Gives Area Activist Something To Do With Her Evenings #~# BOULDER, CO—The scourge of child slavery, an abhorrent practice affecting millions of exploited children under 12 worldwide, has given local woman Jenny Slocum, 36, something to do with her Tuesday and Thursday evenings. "Most Tuesdays I would end up just moping around the house, anyway, and child slavery's pretty awful," said Slocum, who "met some really cool people" while attending a recent meeting for Child Slavery Outreach. "Maybe next week I could host a CSO potluck and we could just hang out and talk about child slavery and stuff." Slocum said her commitment to child slavery would continue indefinitely unless the global warming people started meeting on the same nights.
Google Asks NSA For Security Help #~# In light of recent hacking attacks, search engine leviathan Google has asked the National Security Agency for help securing its network. What do you think?
Intelligent, Respectable Women Across Globe Inexplicably Excited For Figure Skating #~# VANCOUVER—As the 2010 Winter Olympics get underway, the prospect of watching figure skating and ice dancing in all their forms has inspired a surprising amount of giddy exuberance in otherwise levelheaded women worldwide. "Did you hear? Mao Asada may perform to Nicole Kidman's love ballad from Moulin Rouge while wearing a gold-sequined shift!" the impeccably dressed Yale-educated New York–based international maritime contract attorney Ellen Conagey said to her London colleague Marlena Barstow Thursday during an intricate discussion of customs taxes and cargo liability. "It'll be, like, triple flip, triple toe loop, triple salchow, 'One day I'll fly away!' Yes! Anyway, the precedent set in Spector v. Norwegian Cruise Line makes it perfectly clear that Title III of the Americans with Disabilities Act applies to foreign-flag cruise ships in U.S. waters." According to figures kept by the International Olympic Committee, similar reactions are occurring in roughly 10 percent of the world's otherwise intelligent and respectable men.
Winter Olympic Event Guide: Snøkåathlaan, Part 1 #~# Our handy viewer's guide continues this week with a comprehensive guide to a thrilling sport rich in tradition.
Smoove Is Not A Fan Of Valentine’s Day #~# A word of warning: The following column could very well blow your mind. Smoove urges you to read it with the utmost caution.
Local Asshole Attains World-Class Status #~# MADISON, PA—Local asshole Skyler Berwin, 28, was granted world-class asshole status Saturday during a special ceremony held in recognition of detestable actions that were deemed beyond the pale even for a major-league asshole such as himself. "Due to Mr. Berwin's consistent refusal to pay for drinks, his tendency to loudly point the flaws of others, and his habit of turning up at your place unannounced to eat whatever's in the fridge and then crash for a couple days, the board votes unanimously in this matter," said National North American Asshole Council chairman Tucker Max, citing sworn affidavits testifying that Skyler had been "a career asshole as far back as college." "I hereby declare Skyler Berwin to be a 24-karat, world-class asshole, with all the rights and responsibilities pertaining to that office." Following his certification, Berwin refused to apologize for his actions, claiming that that was just the kind of asshole he is.
Dentistry Postpones Lil Wayne Prison Term #~# Though scheduled to face sentencing on weapons charges, rapper Lil Wayne, born Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., had his imprisonment postponed Tuesday so that a dentist could fix his cracked tooth. What do you think? 
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine's Day #~# WASHINGTON—Flushed with anticipation and ready to emerge from another long, cold winter, millions of Americans participated this week in the annual tradition of trimming their pubic regions in time for Valentine’s Day.
Paranormal Cops #~# A&E;
Huge Chunk Of Nation You'd Never Want To Meet Excited For Daytona 500 #~# NEW YORK—Although you are more interested in the pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training in a few days, or even the upcoming Winter Olympics, a significant chunk of society that you are aware of but would rather have nothing to do with is very much looking forward to the Daytona 500, NASCAR's season-opening race. "Man, it'll sure be good to see them hitting the banking on that tri-oval," said a man in a camouflage jacket and an advertising-emblazoned mesh-back cap who made you feel less intelligent just by speaking aloud. "Looks like Jimmie Johnson has a good chance of gittin' 'er done again this year." Sources close to you said that, while NASCAR itself does seem to be targeting the three-toothed sister-humping illiterate demographic, it may be a bit elitist to write off every one of its fans as such.
Valentine's Day Specials #~# This time of year, couples can take advantage of the great Valentine’s deals many businesses have to offer. Here are some of the bargains that are available:
Prayers Answered By Random Series Of Events In Cold, Uncaring Universe #~# KATY, TX—A man in danger of losing his home had his prayers coincidentally answered Tuesday by the haphazard machinations of an indifferent and entirely random universe. Marvin Pewter, 45, was able to refinance his house after a radio station in Sioux Falls, SD played the favorite song of a local data-entry worker who, quietly singing along to the tune in her office, became distracted and missed a keystroke that eventually resulted in Pewter's credit rating increasing by 200 points. "Thank God," said Pewter, speaking to reporters from the large ranch-style home he purchased four years ago and has never been able to afford. "This just goes to show that, if you put your faith in the Lord, the Lord will provide." At press time, when gale-force winds had leveled his house and swept away all his possessions, Pewter put the blame on atmospheric conditions off the Gulf Coast and declined comment on whether God was punishing him for his hubris.
Super Bowl XLIV Most-Watched Show Ever #~# With 106.5 million people tuning in, Sunday's Saints-Colts Super Bowl became the most-watched program in U.S. history, drawing 500,000 more viewers than the 1983 series finale of M*A*S*H. What do you think? 
Wal-Mart Cuts Over 13,000 Of What It Calls Jobs #~# BENTONVILLE, AR—Retail giant Wal-Mart has announced in recent weeks that, effective immediately, it is cutting as many as 13,000 of what it somehow has the audacity to refer to as "jobs" from its corporate payroll.
There Should Be No Secrets In Our Relationship Excluding The Events Of March 2, 2004 #~# We've been together quite a while now, and I truly believe that if our relationship is going to last—if we're really going to commit to a future together—we need to communicate as openly and honestly as possible. I know it's difficult to reveal private aspects of your life to another person, but it's time we took that step. People who love each other like we do should have no secrets excluding what happened on Mar. 2, 2004.
Family Concerned After Aging TV Show Has Another Terrible Episode #~# ROANOKE, VA—The Stashwick family of Roanoke was "alarmed and saddened" to see a beloved-but-aging TV program suffer yet another terrible episode Tuesday night. "It's devastating to watch it deteriorate like this," said wife and mother Janice Stashwick, shaking her head at the gradual breakdown of the show, which she claimed used to be "so smart" and "with it." "Not only does it barely make any sense these days, but most of the time it just tells the same old story over and over again. This has been a really bad year." Family patriarch and longtime viewer Arnold Stashwick agreed, saying that it's painful to watch the show fall apart like this, and that if it were up to him he would just pull the plug on it.
Toyota Expected To Recall Prius #~# Following last month's costly recall of 8.1 million vehicles due to an acceleration problem, Toyota has announced a recall of its latest hybrid Prius model because of a braking problem. What do you think? 
Congressional Bloopers #~# C-SPAN
New Orleans Moves To No. 3 In NFL Power Rankings #~# MIAMI—On the heels of their 31-17 win over the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLIV, the New Orleans Saints rose to the third spot in the most recent NFL team power rankings. "With Drew Brees running the offense, this team has what it takes to be among of the best," ESPN.com reporter John Clayton wrote in his entry on the World Champion Saints. "I'm still not convinced their defense can take them all the way to the top, though. As I said in my rankings, I think the Colts are just a better club overall. And of course I like the depth of talent on the Cowboys." Clayton said he expected "big things" from the Saints in the 2010 season.
Top Recruit Tricked Into Committing To Notre Dame #~# ST. PAUL, MN—One of the most sought-after high school recruits of the year, Sean Harrisson, a 270-pound, 6-foot-2 linebacker, unwittingly signed with Notre Dame after Fighting Irish coach Brian Kelly played a series of mind tricks on the senior. "Wait, I just signed with who?" said a baffled Harrison, whose facial expression turned to shock and horror as he noticed Notre Dame football logos all around him. "Oh my God, no. No no no. See, I couldn't understand what he [Brian Kelly] was saying. He gave me this drink, and things were getting hazier and hazier, and then he kept telling me, 'Do not not say no if you do not want to not play for a top 10 program.' I was so confused, I said no. Wait a minute—I could've sworn he was wearing a Miami Hurricanes hat when he got here." This is not the first case of the Fighting Irish manipulating a youngster into signing with them, as demonstrated by the case of former Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn, who was infamously tricked into attending the school after being told South Bend, IN had a thriving gay nightclub scene.
Unfunny Inside Joke From 5 Years Ago Only Thing Holding Friendship Together #~# SAN FRANCISCO—An unfunny private joke dating back to when they were roommates five years ago is reportedly the last remaining thread still connecting friends Jennifer Kerns and Kerri Gallagher. "All one of us has to do is say, 'You are hungry, Mr. Max,' and we'll both bust out laughing," Gallagher said of the shared reference that has outlasted each friend's recollection of the other's birthday, favorite pastime, and middle name. "Sometimes we'll spend entire phone conversations just sort of doing it back and forth. Most times, actually." Gallagher, unaware that Kerns was currently attending her mother's funeral, added that it had been a while since her friend had called.
Missionaries Charged With Kidnapping In Haiti #~# Ten American missionaries were charged with kidnapping after trying to take 33 Haitian children—some orphans, some not—across the border to the Dominican Republic. What do you think?
NASA Launches David Bowie Concept Mission #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—NASA officials announced today the successful launch of the new shuttle Moonage Daydream, marking the beginning of a long-anticipated two-week conceptual mission inspired by British rock star David Bowie.
Blowhole High #~# ANIMAL PLANET
Phil Mickelson Demands Scott McCarron Publicly Apologize To Pitching Wedge #~# RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—In response to accusations of cheating that he called hurtful, insensitive, and simply not true, Phil Mickelson lashed out at Scott McCarron Thursday, demanding that his fellow PGA Tour member publicly apologize for humiliating Mickelson's 20-year-old pitching wedge. "You can say what you will about me, but you do not attack Ping-Eye 2," said Mickelson, addressing McCarron's claim that a loophole in the PGA Tour rules had been unfairly exploited to allow the club to take part in sanctioned competitions. "Scott, that pitching wedge has done nothing to you, yet you dare criticize the square grooves on its face? How could you? You either apologize to my wedge or I swear to God I will say things that will bring your stupid-looking putter to its knees." According to sources close to Mickelson, the two-time Masters winner has urged his pitching wedge to explore taking legal action against McCarron for slander.
Father Still Has Complicated Series Of File Folders With Grown Son's Name On Them #~# TUALATIN, OR—Former project manager Bill Jacobson, 62, confirmed Monday that he still has in his possession an intricate system of immaculately maintained file folders with the name of his 34-year-old son written on them in black marker.
Peyton Manning Studying Saints Game Film From 1974 #~# MIAMI—According to his teammates and coaches, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning has been sequestered in the film room at Sun Life Stadium for the last three days reviewing game tape from the Saints' 1974 season. "Can't be too prepared," a bleary-eyed Manning reportedly told a team manager, adding that if the Saints decide to sign former middle linebacker Joe Federspiel, 60, before the game this Sunday, he'll know exactly what adjustments to make. "Could you get me that Rams game from November? I need to see how quick [former strong safety] Johnny Fuller got to the quarterback on the blitz. Go now." Manning later told the Colts defense that they didn't need to watch any of the game film, as the Saints' quarterback in 1974 was "absolutely terrible."
Repurposing Lines From The Hangover #~# SPIKE
'Lancet' Retracts Autism Paper #~# Citing the study's bad methodology, the British medical journal The Lancet retracted a 1998 paper that linked autism with the measles-mumps-rubella vaccine. What do you think?
2010's Top College Football Recruiting Prospects #~# With Signing Week upon us, Onion Sports runs down the prep stars who will soon make an impact on the college football scene. 
Thoughtful Nation Questioning Whether Anyone Can Really 'Win' The Super Bowl #~# MIAMI—As the Super Bowl captures the country's attention, excitement over the NFL's championship game is muted somewhat by the persistent question of whether winning, or losing for that matter, holds any absolute value—a question that has many football fans pondering the meaning of the game itself.
If I See A Shirt I Like, I'll Usually Just Buy It #~# I'm not really the kind of person to get caught up in the latest trends or fashions or anything like that. But some days, if I get out of work early and have a little time to kill before dinner, I'll go do some window-shopping in the downtown Omaha area. Usually I just stick to browsing, but occasionally I'll see a shirt I like, and if I try it on and it looks good, I'll say, "What the heck," and go ahead and buy it.
Area Mom Issues Stern Warning On Road Where She Once Got A Ticket #~# OSHKOSH, WI—Insisting she recently received a ticket on Jackson Street, Brenda McCormick, 57, issued a stern warning to her son Justin Monday, urging the 25-year-old to slow down the car, backseat sources reported. "Watch out, there's always a police car waiting at the corner where the speed limit switches from 55 to 35," said McCormick, adding that the area was definitely a speed trap. "They have quotas, you know." McCormick also cautioned her son to drive defensively near New York Avenue, as drivers were always pulling out right in front of people and there was that bad accident there when he was little.
Pentagon Brass Supports Gays In Military #~# Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Mike Mullen both spoke out in favor of Obama's call to lift the "don't ask, don't tell" policy and allow gays to serve openly in the military. What do you think? 
Alzheimer's Disease Causing Baby Boomers To Misremember 1960s Even More #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Alzheimer's researchers at Stanford University published a study this week showing that the degenerative brain disease is beginning to affect the baby boomer generation, causing many to remember the 1960s even less accurately than they normally would.
Supreme Court Allows Corporations To Run For Political Office #~# WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision that overturned decades of legal precedent, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 Tuesday to remove all restrictions that had previously barred corporations from holding public office. "This is an unfair, ill-advised, and tragic mistake," Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) said before boarding a flight to Arizona in response to primary poll numbers that show him trailing the Phoenix-based company PetSmart by a double-digit margin. "Despite the deep discounts and exciting promotions that they may be able to offer, these huge, soulless entities are not capable of truly serving the American people's—or their pet's—needs." Corporate attack ads have already begun to hit the airwaves in New York, where a new Pepsi commercial set to a catchy modern remix of Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin'" blasts incumbent governor David Paterson as "unrefreshing" and urges New Yorkers to "taste the choice of a new generation this Nov. 2."
Colts, Saints Blinded By Natural Sunlight Upon Arrival At Stadium #~# MIAMI—Members of both Super Bowl teams, who played the majority of their regular season and playoff games in domed stadiums, squinted in pain and sought refuge from the sun Thursday after walking onto the field at Miami's Sun Life Stadium. "What is that thing? It's not gonna be on during the game, is it?" said Saints running back Pierre Thomas, who experienced lingering spots in his vision after his attempts to look directly at the unfamiliar object. "Usually, stadiums have, like, a lot of little lights on the ceiling. I really hope that burning spot thing just goes away before kickoff." During the team's afternoon walk-through, frightened players reportedly retreated into the stadiums' interior when, according to Thomas, "the air started doing this freaky-ass swirling around stuff for no reason."
Amazon Stock Falls In E-Book Dispute #~# After a dispute between Macmillan and Amazon over e-book pricing resulted in the retailer briefly removing all the publishing house's books from its website, shares of Amazon fell around 7 percent. What do you think? 
White House Infested With Bedbugs After Biden Brings In Recliner Off The Curb #~# WASHINGTON—The White House suffered a severe bedbug infestation last week after Vice President Joe Biden reportedly "scored" a discarded recliner chair that "someone was just throwing out" on the corner of Windom Road and 32nd Street. "It's plenty comfy, and I'll tell ya, they don't make 'em with levers like this anymore," said Biden, scratching at a series of red welts on his arms as he pointed out the pocket on the side that could hold both a remote control and a Coors tallboy. "It reclines all the way back. All the way. And you wanna know what else? It holds two people, if you know what I mean." Meanwhile, Senegal officials reported that their nation has been plagued by an outbreak of bedbugs since its president returned from a short stay in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Clean Your Computer Desktop! #~# BRAVO
Nation's Strangers Decry Negative Portrayal Among Children #~# WASHINGTON—Addressing reporters from behind a row of juniper bushes, a coalition of sketchy single men gathered in Washington on Monday to protest the "negative, demeaning, and often hurtful" portrayal of strangers when it comes to the nation's children.
As Much As I Hated Putting My Dog To Sleep, I Know He'll Feel Better When He Wakes Up #~# Our beloved Saint Bernard, Buford, has been a part of the Brimble family for almost 16 years now. From the time he was just a puppy, he's been a loyal and loving friend, always right there for me through thick and thin. So, while it sure was tough to bring my pal Buford to the vet this morning and have him put to sleep, it's comforting to know he'll be right back to his cheery old self as soon as he wakes back up. 
Players Giddy As Football Hall Of Fame Representative Rumored To Be Attending Super Bowl #~# MIAMI—Giddiness overtook the locker rooms of both Super Bowl teams Thursday when members of the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts caught wind that a representative from the Pro Football Hall of Fame might be attending the game next Sunday. "Oh my God! Are you serious? Are you freakin' serious? I better go work on my out patterns," said Saints wide receiver Marques Colston, who asked his equally excited teammates if they knew where the representative from Canton might be sitting during the game. "It's the Hall of Fame, guys! The Hall of freakin' Fame!" Upon hearing the news, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning reportedly rushed to the team bathroom and began throwing up.
Hospital Paperwork Reduces Man's Reading Comprehension To First-Grade Level #~# HOUSTON—The frustrating paperwork for a routine visit to St. Luke's Episcopal Hospital reduced Kenneth Anderson's reading comprehension to a first-grade level Monday, forcing the 39-year-old sales associate to slowly sound out each syllable and use his finger to follow along with the words. "Man, this stuff is really hard," said Anderson, on the verge of a reading-related tantrum for the first time since struggling with Frog And Toad Are Friends at age 6. "'Pro-phy-lax-is'…. What does that even mean?" Anderson's math skills also plummeted as he strained to figure out how the number on his hospital bill could be so high. 
Future Of Moon Mission In Doubt #~# Due to financial constraints, NASA's plans to return to the moon are no longer in the Obama budget. What do you think?
Antiques Roadshow #~# PBS
Apple Finally Unveils iPad #~# Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled Apple's new tablet computer, the iPad, during a presentation in San Francisco last week. Here are some of its features:
Saints Trip To Super Bowl Actually Best Thing That Has Ever Happened To New Orleans #~# NEW ORLEANS—City officials confirmed Monday that the Saints' historic first-ever trip to a Super Bowl would in fact be the best thing that had happened to the city in its long and tragic history. "This is a proud town, a good town, but you have to admit that we've had many more bad times than good," said Mayor Ray Nagin, noting among other things the Battle of New Orleans, which took place unnecessarily after the War of 1812 had ended; the massive political corruption that marked most of the 20th century; the presence of Anne Rice and the resulting rise of vampire fiction; the devastation wrought by Hurricanes Betsy, Rita, and Katrina; and the establishment in the city of the New Orleans Saints, perhaps the most frustrating football team of all time. "Okay, we have a great jazz scene here, and we throw a huge annual party, but it's about time we had something more than that." Mayor Nagin also noted that it was a kind of comfort to know that, if the Saints lost the Super Bowl, it would hardly be the worst thing that had ever happened to the city.
Mayonnaise, Black Forest Ham To Share Top Billing In Upcoming Sandwich #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Lunch insiders confirmed rumors Monday that Mayonnaise and Black Forest Ham would share top billing in a highly anticipated upcoming sandwich, which sources said is still in the early stages of development. The on-bread reunion will be the first time the popular duo has teamed up since costarring in a widely acclaimed Italian grinder in 2009. Recent kitchen reports stated that the sandwich itself was almost abandoned when it appeared that a prior commitment to star in a low-budget chicken salad might have rendered Mayonnaise unavailable. Sources would not confirm rumors that Shredded Lettuce and Melted Provolone are also involved, but confirmed that, despite early interest, Ketchup just wasn't right for the project.
Disney Shutters Miramax #~# The Walt Disney Company is closing down its indie-film arm Miramax, the home of such films as The Piano and Pulp Fiction. What do you think? 
Bald Eagle Tired Of Everyone Just Assuming It Supports War #~# THE OREGON WILDERNESS—Frustrated by the widely held assumption that he unequivocally endorses the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, a bald eagle said Monday that his thoughts on the conflicts were far more nuanced than many Americans might expect.
Harvard Places Lectures Online #~# Harvard is the latest university to offer lectures for free through Apple's iTunes store. Here are some of the topics they have made available:
Zydrunas Ilgauskas Figures He Must Be From Turkey Or Something #~# CLEVELAND—In a locker room interview prior to his game against the Sacramento Kings Sunday, Cavaliers center Zydrunas Ilgauskas ruminated on his home country, guessing he might be from Romania or Croatia before finally concluding that he is probably from Turkey or someplace like that. "I'm not 100 percent sure, but players like me are usually from around Turkey," said Ilgauskas, citing his oddly shaped head and the mishmash of consonants in his first name as evidence. "I can't place my accent for the life of me. It's kind of Russian-ish, I guess, but Turkey's relatively close to Russia. So, yeah, Turkey." When informed that he is from Lithuania, Ilgauskas said that sounded about right, as Lithuania is probably a city in Turkey.
Rescued Baby Bird Wearing Out Welcome #~# SAN JOSE, CA—The abandoned baby robin rescued by 7-year-old Todd Jeffries Friday morning has long since overstayed its welcome, Sycamore Drive sources reported. "It was adorable when he first brought the bird home," said father Ken. "We thought it would be a chance for him to learn about compassion and how to take care of another living creature. But it's been five days, the damn thing squawks all night long, and I've already spent 25 bucks on mealworms." According to Jeffries, he's giving the bird two more days to learn how to fly and then he's going to snap its neck and be done with it.
Republicans Spent $2,000 At Strip Club #~# The Republican National Committee dropped $1,946 at Voyeur, a strip club in West Hollywood, CA. What do you think?
Corgi Town #~# ABC
U.S. Government To Save Billions By Cutting Wasteful Senator Program #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to reduce wasteful spending and eliminate non-vital federal services, the U.S. government announced plans this week to cut its long-standing senator program, a move it says will help save more than $300 billion each year.
If You Put Your Mind To It You Can Believe Anything #~# I'm not one of those people who spends his whole life wishing things had turned out differently. Sure, the so-called "real world" can be a pretty cruel place sometimes, but why sit around all day worrying about the way things are when, with a little imagination, determination, and blinding denial, you can convince yourself that everything is great?
Shots Of Indianapolis Skyline To Depress Nation During Final Four Broadcast #~# WASHINGTON—Shots of the Indianapolis skyline scheduled to air during the 2010 Final Four will be extremely depressing and will momentarily infuse viewers with a sense of overwhelming bleakness, the U.S. populace reported this week. "When they come back from commercials I'll have to look at these uninspired, cold-looking buildings. There are those two really tall ones that kind of look dead, like nothing's really going on inside of them," said Andover, MD resident Nathan Kowalski, adding that during the Colts' 2009 Super Bowl run, aerial shots of the metropolis put him in such a deep malaise that he had to stop watching the NFL playoffs. "I bet they'll show night shots of the skyline, too. Which will look just as dead, because who wants to be caught in Indianapolis at night when everything is closed and there's nothing to do? I hope they just show the New York City skyline and cut to the game." At a press conference Thursday, Indianapolis mayor Greg Ballard seemed to be on the verge of defending his city, but ultimately sighed and agreed with the rest of the country.
Report: No One At White Castle Wants To Make Friends #~# DETROIT—A new report compiled at the Gratiot Avenue White Castle late Saturday night found that none of the eatery's patrons possessed any enthusiasm to meet new people. Data compiled between the hours of 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. in the restaurant's dining room revealed a zero percent interest in friendly chatter, group sing-alongs, exchanging bites of sandwiches, tabletop drum circles, or any other social activity. An equal percentage displayed no interest in posing for cell-phone photographs, with 11 percent hissing angrily when asked. According to the report, the only person in the building who exhibited any signs of friendliness was the shift manager, but even he wasn't interested in going back to the apartment and watching a bunch of UFC matches.
California To Legalize Marijuana? #~# California's November ballot will include an initiative that if approved would make marijuana legal and taxable. What do you think?
NCAA To Strip Duke Of Its '08-'09 Losses #~# DURHAM, NC—NCAA officials announced Wednesday that seven losses would be stricken from Duke's 2008-2009 season record, claiming they were forced to act after discovering evidence of dramatically meritorious behavior both on and off the court. "This will forever polish the legacy of the Blue Devils, as all their losses from the season will be removed from the record books," said Paul T. Dee, the chairman of the Plauditory Committee, who expressed strong commendations for the men's basketball team. "Their overall AP ranking for last year will also be impacted, as we will have to drop them up from sixth to second. And we find it only fair that Duke be stripped of its 1994 second-place tournament finish, which will go to Arkansas in exchange for their national title trophy." Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski has decided not to appeal the NCAA's decision to permanently place the Blue Devils on approbation.
Robert Kraft On Tom Brady: 'I'd Prefer If He'd Stay For The Entire Night' #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Patriots owner Robert Kraft told reporters Thursday that he would prefer it if Tom Brady would sleep by his side for the entire night instead of leaving before Kraft wakes up. "Sometimes Tom and I will be so happy in each other's arms, but then he always makes some excuse about how he's got a busy day tomorrow and then suddenly he's gone at like three in the morning," said Kraft, insisting that he did not want to say anything that would push his starting quarterback away. "I know T-Bone is really busy, but I just want to be a part of his life. It hurts when you're looking forward to spooning someone and he's not around. It's not much fun eating breakfast in bed all by yourself." The owner reportedly expressed concern that Brady refused to spend the night because Kraft could never give him a baby.
Celebrity Smell-Alike Sweats Just Like Alec Baldwin #~# TOPEKA, KS—Friends, family, and workout partners of Ted Granding stated this week that the 35-year-old paralegal is a dead whiffer for popular film and television actor Alec Baldwin. "Seriously, if Ted and Alec came back from jogging together, you wouldn't be able to smell them apart," coworker Paul Eastman said. "I've seen people spin around because they think Alec Baldwin just walked in, and then look around the room in confusion. If there were an agency for people who smell famous, Ted could make a new career out of this." For his part, Granding said he did not smell the resemblance to Baldwin, though he claimed that from certain angles he smells like a cross between Sam Rockwell and Sigourney Weaver.
Obama's Twitter Account Hacked #~# An unemployed young Frenchman is being accused of hacking into the Twitter accounts of President Barack Obama and Britney Spears by correctly answering their security questions and then resetting their passwords. What do you think?
Increasing Number Of Parents Opting To Have Children School-Homed #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Education, an increasing number of American parents are choosing to have their children raised at school rather than at home.
Beauty And The Handsome Guy #~# ABC
Childhood Photos Of Your Girlfriend #~# LIFETIME
City Of Chicago To Modernize Outdated Graft Programs #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to streamline unethical practices and boost illegal profiteering, Mayor Richard M. Daley announced sweeping new plans Monday to overhaul his city's "antiquated" system of graft.
The Price Is Right #~# CBS
Asian Economic Woes Force Layoffs Of 700,000 Pop Stars #~# SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—In what is being called the worst development to hit the Asian pop star industry in years, the floundering economy forced several Pacific Rim nations to lay off some 700,000 pop stars this week, sources close to the young, perky entertainers reported. "Although we still have more than 2 million pop stars left working, this is a devastating blow," entertainment industry analyst Bak Jae-bok said. "Sadly, the space-age Korean teenybopper and Japanese cowboy sectors were hit the hardest, and may take many months to recover." Bak went on to say that several Asian entertainment corporations are now looking to outsource their red-haired, leather-jacket-wearing teenage boy workforce overseas.
Last Supper Meals Getting Larger #~# A study of 52 depictions of the Last Supper—the final meal Jesus ate with his disciples before he was crucified—found that food portions in the paintings have grown 69 percent over the past millennium. What do you think?
NCAA Tournament Proving That Mid-Major Semi-Upper-Lower-Middle-Mids Should Be Taken Seriously #~# INDIANAPOLIS—When Ali Farokhmanesh hit his game-winning shot to lift ninth-seed Northern Iowa over top-ranked Kansas last Saturday, it was a true Cinderella moment for the NCAA Tournament, a rare second-round knockout of a high-major opponent by a scrappy, fundamentally sound mid-major semi-upper-lower-middle-mid.
Highlights Of The 2010 Iditarod #~# Alaska's Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race is a 1,161-mile spectacle of human courage and canine fortitude, and the 2010 race was an exceptional example.
Cornell Drains Fun Out Of Cinderella Run By Explaining How On A Long Enough Timeline The Improbable Becomes Probable #~# SYRACUSE, NY—Despite overcoming long odds as the lowest seed remaining in the NCAA Tournament, Cornell's basketball team had on Wednesday squandered most of its underdog goodwill by using every opportunity to explain that, given a finite set of possible outcomes and a sufficient period of time, the sheer quantity of opportunities available to accomplish an improbable outcome makes its achievement likely if not almost certain. "It'd be foolish to ascribe any of the properties of a pan-dimensional function space to the NCAA Tournament," said Cornell center Jeff Foote, who has averaged 14 points per game in the first two rounds. "However, bear in mind that we're not talking about a null probability space. With eight teams in the Ivy League and 65 in the tournament, you eventually run out of possible permutations. One could even make the case for historical inevitability; we won, so we were always going to win. I think my good friend Baron d'Holbach would agree—that's decidedly nonzero. Decidedly." Foote excused himself after the interview upon receiving a fifth rejection-of-transfer letter from Harvard.
Maple Syrup Is An Excellent Way To Enhance The Flavor Of Pancakes And Waffles vs. I Thought We Were Going To Talk About The Proliferation Of Nuclear Weapons #~# If there's one thing that almost anyone can agree on, it's that a good, thick maple syrup makes a great addition to any pancake or waffle breakfast.
Health Inspector Repulsed By Restaurant's Customers #~# ATLANTA—During a routine visit to Maxwell's Diner on Wednesday, Fulton County health inspector Dan Newman was appalled by the "completely unacceptable" condition of the patrons in the otherwise pristine restaurant. "They were revolting," said Newman, who after touring a spotless kitchen was shocked by what he found in the dining room. "Customers had piled refuse all over their tables, some appeared not to have been washed in days, and one diner was covered in a thick layer of grime. These people should not be handling food at all." While the restaurant easily passed inspection, Newman warned that the guy at the counter who looked like he'd been sitting out all week had better be gone the next time he dropped by.
Universal Slashes CD Prices #~# Hoping to revive moribund sales, Universal Music Group is dropping the price of most new CDs to $10 or less. What do you think?
Man Plans Special Weekend To Reaffirm Commitment To Xbox 360 #~# HAGERSTOWN, MD—Local resident Tom Fletcher announced Wednesday that he has made all the necessary arrangements and cleared his entire schedule so that he can spend a quiet, uninterrupted weekend reconnecting with his Xbox 360.
Study: Announcers Increasingly Able To Believe What They're Seeing #~# ITHACA, NY—Over the past five years, sports announcers have displayed a marked increase in their ability to accept the evidence of their eyes and find the sporting efforts they witness "entirely credible," a study published Wednesday concluded. "In the past, sportscasters were like newborn infants, assuming each running catch or 28-point performance was outside the realm of possibility," said Cornell University researcher Karen Thaler, who noted that "wow's" and "oh-my's" have recently hit all-time lows. "It appears they are now able to contextualize an event within the long and varied history of team sports that came before it. Today's basketball announcers won't even say that a jump shot is taken from 'downtown' unless the player is 40 feet away from the hoop." When asked to comment on these findings, ESPN's Dick Vitale replied with a calm and even "that sounds about right."
E!'s 10,001 Sexiest Celebrity Bodies #~# E!
Texas' New Textbooks #~# Because of a belief that academia skews too far to the left, the Texas Board of Education voted 10 to 5 in favor of buying history and social studies textbooks that adhere to a more conservative ideology. Here are some of the changes they are mandating:
NHL Holds Fan Attendance Night #~# NEW YORK—In a promotion aimed at encouraging people who like hockey to come and watch teams play the sport, the NHL held its first-ever Fan Attendance Night on Tuesday. "We just wanted to get a little something back from our fans and show them that, hey, we exist," said commissioner Gary Bettman, who added that the league was unable to find a sponsor for the event. "We're having lots of great promotions on these special nights: Two for the Price of Two, Bring a Friend/Bring Another Friend, and Just Show Up. And everyone who comes receives their very own commemorative card-stock ticket to that game. So, yes, please come." Bettman said he didn't think Fan Attendance Night had worked.
Man From Future Can't Stop Living In The Less-Far-Into-The-Future #~# LOS ANGELES—Time-traveling neurotic Guy Axiom, more commonly known as "the Man from the Future," cannot stop living in the past, which to us, in the present, is also the future, but not quite as far into the future as the period Axiom hails from, sources close to the beleaguered 23rd-century scientist reported Monday. "You've got to learn to live in the now, not the now that will have been," Axiom's friend Joe Busey said in an attempt to console Axiom. "There's nothing you can do about things that haven't happened yet but will." The cause of Axiom's worries, his ex-girlfriend Jan Strontium, could not be reached for comment, as she will not be born for another 200 years.
Chrysler To Release Electric Car #~# Starting in 2012, struggling auto manufacturer Chrysler will produce an electric car, the Fiat 500 EV. What do you think?
Report: $14 Trillion Spent Annually On Trying To Look Cool #~# WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Commerce revealed that Americans spend an astonishing $14 trillion a year on countless, usually failed attempts to look cool.
My Students Are Going About Making Fun Of That Tyler Kid All Wrong #~# The students in my fourth-grade class are the most amazing group of kids you'll ever meet. Every day is an adventure with them. They're like these little sponges, ready to soak up as much knowledge as they possibly can, and as their teacher, I take pride in the fact that I let them grow at their own pace. As I always say, a child will never learn something unless they do it for themselves.
Good Night's Sleep Changes Nothing #~# FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Despite receiving a much-anticipated good night's rest, local man Arthur Baldwin awoke from eight uninterrupted hours of sleep Monday to the realization that he was still out of shape, lonely, and generally dissatisfied with his life. "Huh," said Baldwin, who at 7 a.m. found himself slightly more alert than usual but remained $55,000 in debt and trapped in a toxic, dead-end relationship. "I still hate my job and I still feel like shit. What time is it? Fuck." At press time, Baldwin had decided to return to the only thing that ever did bring him pleasure in life, Afghani brown tar heroin.
Dogs Originated In Middle East #~# Using genetic markers, researchers at the University of California, Los Angeles, have discovered that dogs were likely first domesticated from wolves in the Middle East. What do you think?
Hallmark After Dark #~# SPIKE
NIT Wrapped Up In About 5 Hours #~# NEW YORK—The 32-team field of the 2010 NIT took a businesslike attitude toward getting the tournament over with Wednesday, with participants entering Madison Square Garden at noon, hitting the showers around 5 p.m., and wrapping up the tournament's 31 games in record time. "We were just looking to put this whole thing behind us," head coach Rick Stansbury said of his victorious Mississippi State Bulldogs while charging out of the locker room and into the car he had left running outside. "The two-minute halves helped, obviously, but everyone did a great job of avoiding eye contact and playing basketball as fast as possible." NIT officials expressed disappointment that they weren't able to "get the whole thing down to a half hour, tops."
World's Leading Entomologist Calls For Someone To Get It Off #~# RIVERSIDE, CA—Internationally renowned entomologist Professor Stanley Weber, noted for his work on the pheromone-release cycles of invasive insect species in North American flora, called upon his colleagues to get it off, get it off, for Christ's sake during an academic conference Saturday.  "Ahhhhh!" said Weber, citing an urgent need to please get a net or a plastic cup or something to remove it, and pointing toward evidence that it's about to go down his damn shirt and those creepy legs feel like little needles on his skin, Jesus fuck. "Hurry up! It's in my hair!" A three-hour interruption of the conference followed, with scheduled events continuing only after an ad hoc panel of entomology experts concluded it was probably just a housefly.
Facebook More Popular Than Google #~# For the first time ever, the social network Facebook had more weekly traffic than Google, making it the most popular site on the Internet. What do you think?
Computer Company Started In Garage 30 Years Ago Now In Smaller Garage #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—In the summer of 1980, MIT graduates Donald Faber and Peter Haberle moved into an empty two-car garage and started work building their first ever personal home computer. Almost 30 years later, what began as a humble two-man operation has since grown into an even more humble, even more cramped computer company, based out of an even smaller single-car garage.
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia #~# FX
Newest Bronco Brady Quinn: 'The Brody Qualls Era Has Begun' #~# DENVER—In the first of what is expected to be a long series of gaffes with his new team, quarterback Brady Quinn bungled a statement to Broncos coaches, players, and fans Tuesday by mistakenly declaring that the Brody Qualls era had begun in Denver. "I, Brody Qualls, am so excited to take over the Cardvern Dronkos," said Quinn, whose remarks were periodically interrupted by his teeth accidentally striking the microphone. "I'm ready to leave this team all the way. I'm not promising anything, but I will do my darnest to be the next Don Elwood, if that be the will of my lord and saboteur Jesus Price." Quinn, who also lost a shoe during the address, said that he was slightly afraid of the mascot but admitted that such a huge angry fish would really intimate the team's opponents.
Sometimes, Area Woman Just Feels... #~# BELMONT, NH—Stating that she wasn’t in the best place right now, and that things have been sort of you know, Belmont resident Megan Slota announced Thursday that sometimes she just feels….
Entire Nation Picks Same Bracket #~# WASHINGTON—Citizens across the United States have selected the exact same teams to win every single game of the NCAA Tournament, handing in millions of completely identical brackets, college-basketball-pool organizers reported Thursday. "Usually the brackets are fairly similar overall, but there was always at least one person in the country who had slightly different picks," said Kevin Murphy, who coordinated an NCAA Tournament pool for his office. "It must be this particular field of teams that has everybody in absolute agreement. You'd think people would select a favorite team here and there, but they all seem really determined to base their picks on logic. It's not going to be much fun dividing up the prize money equally." According to recent statistical analysis, everyone in the nation picked a losing bracket.
Iron Chef #~# FOOD
Local Neurotic To Undergo Invasive 32,000-Hour-Long Therapy Procedure #~# NEW YORK—Manhattanite Ted Friar, who has been battling chronic neuroses for more than 20 years, elected to undergo a highly invasive 32,000-hour Freudian therapy procedure Tuesday. "I know it's risky, but I have no other choice," Friar, 47, said as his team of psychoanalysts prepared for the thrice-weekly, several-decade-long treatment, which offers only a 10 percent chance of recovery. "I just hope they can break through my blocked memories and get rid of any underlying guilt in time." Friar's doctor, noted therapist Eli Wasserbaum, added that possible complications of the procedure include erectile dysfunction, liver damage, and bankruptcy.
Erectile Dysfunction Linked To Heart Disease Fatality #~# German researchers have found that erectile dysfunction is a strong indicator that a man will die from heart disease. What do you think?
Athletes And Sexual Misadventure #~# Tiger Woods' public apology for serial philandering reminds us how athletes have always found sex as problematic as it is easy for them to get.
Carmelo Anthony Called For Traveling Back In Time #~# HOUSTON—Nugget's forward Carmelo Anthony made no secret of his displeasure with game officials Monday night after being whistled for a rarely called traveling-through-time foul late in the fourth quarter of Denver's 125-123 loss to the Rockets.
Jackson Estate Signs $250 Million Deal With Sony #~# Sony Music will pay the estate of Michael Jackson up to $250 million for the right to continue selling his back catalog and release as many as 10 new projects from the singer’s archives. What do you think?
Report: Music Industry Made $18 In 2009 #~# NEW YORK—The Recording Industry Association of America announced Tuesday that the combined revenue brought in by Warner, Sony, EMI, Universal, and countless independent music labels in 2009 totaled $18. "The music industry is back," RIAA representative Doug Fowley said. "Not only was Kenny Chesney's Greatest Hits CD purchased at a Knoxville, TN Borders for $12.99, but we also had two songs downloaded through iTunes, and our ringtone sales reached three." Fowley added that as long as no one returns or exchanges the CD, the music industry would continue to be a vital and creative force in American culture.
Wise Council Of Elders Accuses Day Nurse Of Stealing Change #~# GLENS FALLS, NY—An esteemed high council of elders gathered in the hushed chambers of the Hillside Assisted Living Center this week to determine the fate of Wanda Drexler, a 43-year-old day nurse suspected of stealing loose change from atop various dressers and nightstands.
I'll Be Able To Get This Big Pot Of Chili Over To My Friend's House A Lot Quicker If I Put On My Roller Skates #~# Done! A heaping, hearty 10-gallon pot of Rudy's Famous Five-Alarm Chili, simmered to perfection and all ready for the big party over at my friend Evan's house. Now, how do I get this delicious, spicy stew over there while it's still piping hot? I guess I could walk, but jeepers, I'm already pretty late as it is.
Celebrity Shvitz #~# FOX
Musher Claims Free Agency Destroyed Chemistry Of Sled-Dog Team #~# WILLOW, AK—Though originally favored to win the 2010 Iditarod by a large margin, musher Stefan Anderson's team has put in a mediocre performance up to this point, a result Anderson blames on flashy high-priced acquisitions on the sled-dog free-agent market. "We look great on paper, but these dogs aren't used to racing together," Anderson said. "The truth is, we got 10 lead dogs out there but no wheel dogs. Jammer's got talent, but his power style is never going to mesh with Milo's speed game. They have no chemistry. None whatsoever." Anderson would not deny a rumor that the team might sign 10-year Iditarod veteran Bronson for some much-needed leadership.
Growing Number Of Americans Distrust Census #~# Despite the fact that the 2010 Census form is the shortest in recent history, some anti-government activists are refusing to answer any question besides the number of people in their household. 
Budweiser American Lager Purchased At Tavern #~# ST. LOUIS—An educated gentleman of discerning tastes entered a reputable public house Tuesday, whereupon he reportedly purchased a Budweiser American Lager. "The crisp smoothness of this beer must come from its use of the choicest rice," said the gentleman, who after expertly swirling the bottle in his hand took note of an aroma that he presumed to be the legacy of many generations of brewmasters and their uncompromising adherence to a classic recipe of five all-natural ingredients. "And the distinct character of this lager is no doubt the product of its exclusive beechwood aging process. Truly, this be a king of beers." Following the consumption of his eighth bottle, the gentleman excused himself, made his way into the lavatory, and vomited into a urinal.
Obama To Revamp 'No Child Left Behind' #~# In his weekly radio address, President Obama announced plans to overhaul the previous administration's education policy. What do you think? 
I Wasn't Going To Buy This House Until I Saw The Realtor's Headshot On The Sign #~# Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions a person can make, so when I set out to purchase my first home, I didn't take the matter lightly. Sure, the place I ended up with isn't in the greatest shape, or even in the best part of town. And by any fair market estimate of its value, I certainly overpaid. 
Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—In an effort to avoid physical exertion, strenuous activity, and standing up, slothful free agent Hollis Thomas told several NFL general managers Friday that he would prefer to try out for their teams over the phone. "I'd really like to go, but I just can't justify waking up super early and packing a bag and catching a flight and stuff," said the defensive tackle, promising during the call to leave everything on the field. "Anyway, you just need to know that I go up the middle pretty hard. And I do some tackling. You can probably find my 40 time if you look around online. If not, I just did a yard in a second or something, so you can just multiply that by 40, I guess." Thomas also said he was willing to perform medical examinations on himself, although as far as he could tell from his couch, everything "seemed fine."
Obama Visits Kindergarten To Read Class 200-Page Memorandum On Health Care #~# MIAMI—As part of a new program designed to encourage reading, President Barack Obama visited a kindergarten class Monday to read the schoolchildren a 200-page memorandum on health care reform. "All right, part one, subsection A," the president began as the assembled students fidgeted on their carpet squares. "Can everyone see this diagram here on page two showing projected excise taxes on high-cost insurance over a 10-year period?" Sources said several of the children, while supporting the plan in principle, remained unsure how the tax base would be able to support the full scope of Obama's proposed measure.
California Restaurant Busted For Serving Whale #~# The head chef of a Santa Monica sushi restaurant was charged with serving the meat of the endangered sei whale. What do you think?
New College Graduates To Be Cryogenically Frozen Until Job Market Improves #~# WASHINGTON—In a bold new measure intended to address unemployment among young professionals, lawmakers from across the political spectrum agreed on legislation Tuesday to subsidize the cryogenic freezing of recent college graduates until the job market recovers.
General Hospice #~# ABC
Pretentious Selection Committee Member Thinks Only 6 Teams Deserve Spots In NCAA Tournament #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Following hours of heated deliberation, pretentious selection committee member Doug Fullerton remained adamant Saturday that only six teams had truly earned a spot in the 2010 men's NCAA basketball tournament. "Let's be honest with ourselves. Purdue is hardly NCAA Tournament material. The very idea. And Baylor? You've got to be kidding me," said Fullerton, who refused to give Kansas, Kentucky, or Syracuse any seed higher than 14. "There's no reason we should be clogging up the brackets with this dreck. And I, for one, would rather not watch Duke embarrass itself yet again, if it's all the same to you." Fullerton added that it was his colleagues' lack of appreciation for the avante-garde that caused them to laugh him out of the room for suggesting Eastern Washington University be made a No. 1 seed. 
Laser Pointer Aimed Toward Space In 1997 Finally Annoying Planet 13 Light-Years Away #~# ZORAXION CITY, IMPERIAL HOMEWORLD—A laser pointer directed at the night sky by a young human in 1997 has finally reached the home planet of the Zoraxian race and is "annoying the hell out of everybody," sources on the alien planet reported Tuesday. "What is that irritating dot?" Zoraxian Emperor Fi'ar Shal Shoka communicated in a telepathic message delivered to the outer edges of the Throndastural Sands. "It's pointed right at my facial genitalia. This is so embarrassing." At press time, irritated Zoraxian military personnel were hard at work building a giant megalaser designed to incinerate the source planet of the irritation.
Lesbian Teen Suing School Over Prom #~# A Mississippi high school senior is filing suit against her local school board, which canceled its prom after she challenged its policy against same-sex dates. What do you think?
Marijuana Use Triples Among Gary #~# COLUMBUS, OH—In an alarming trend that some are calling a failure of U.S. drug prevention policies, daily marijuana use increased nearly threefold this month among 26-year-old Gary.
Burn Notice #~# USA
NHL, NASCAR To Punish Carl Edwards For Hit On Bruins' Marc Savard #~# BOSTON—NASCAR and the National Hockey League announced Wednesday they would punish Sprint Cup driver Carl Edwards for hitting Boston center Marc Savard with his No. 99 Ford Fusion stock car late in the third period of Sunday's Penguins-Bruins game, an action that inflicted a Grade 2 concussion and ended Savard's season. "NASCAR may have announced earlier this season that they would let the drivers drive, but when Carl drove out to the blue line and plowed into Marc's blind side, it was clearly the exact sort of cheap shot the NHL is trying to prevent," NHL disciplinarian Colin Campbell said during a joint press conference with NASCAR vice president of competition Robin Pemberton. "We have no choice but to suspend Mr. Edwards for the next three races and the remainder of the NHL regular season." The Bruins would not comment on whether they would send quick-fisted team enforcer Shawn Thornton out to retaliate during the Samsung 500 at Texas Motor Speedway.
Racial Slur Development Not Keeping Pace With Mixed-Race Births, Nation's Bigots Report #~# WASHINGTON—A coalition of the nation's most fervent bigots convened in Washington Monday to address growing concerns that the production of hateful new racial slurs has failed to keep pace with the rise in mixed-race births. 
'She's Probably A Money-Hungry Liar,' Extremely Nervous Steelers Fans Report #~# PITTSBURGH—In the wake of sexual assault allegations made against Ben Roethlisberger by a Georgia college student, nervous Steelers fans across the nation speculated that the supposed victim was most likely a conniving harpy out to make a quick buck and that her claims were completely without merit. "She's probably just a typical example of certain women like that," said Pittsburgh resident Michael Reese, who has never met the alleged victim, and who followed his initial statement by nervously lighting another cigarette. "She probably saw him at the bar and thought, 'Here's my chance to cash in.' Or maybe she hit on him, and when he didn't even give her the time of day, she concocted this little scheme to get back at him. Yup. Bet you any money that's what happened. Sure." Reese then stared down at the Roethlisberger jersey in his hands for a long moment, gesturing as if to put it on before slowly hanging it on a hook behind his door.
Things That Are Probably Still Okay To Eat #~# FOOD
Authorities Investigating Suicide Determine Victim Really Went For It #~# HAVERFORD, PA—Officials investigating the tragic suicide of local man Thomas Ingraham told reporters Tuesday they have determined that the 29-year-old really went full-on balls-to-the-wall. "Judging by the blood spatter and his use of double-aught buckshot, we believe it's safe to say the victim did a hell of a number on himself," Haverford Police Department detective Hank Davidson said at the scene of what he called a real fucking doozy. "This guy was not messing around." County coroner Gus Weldon confirmed the findings, adding a low whistle and shaking his head.
Massa Insinuates He Was Forced Out #~# After resigning amidst allegations of sexual harassment, former Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY) told Larry King and Glenn Beck that he was targeted by the Obama administration for not supporting health care reform. What do you think? 
Legendary Athlete Splurges #~# Julius Peppers signed a big Bears contract and bought pricey bottles of champagne for an entire nightclub, but it wasn't the biggest flashing of cash in sports history.
Stan Van Gundy Gives Players 'Dr. BBQ's Big-Time Barbecue Cookbook' To Read During Road Trip #~# ORLANDO, FL—Continuing a tradition that stretches back to his early years with the Miami Heat, Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy routinely presents his players with classic barbecue cookbooks to inspire them and provide insights during road trips.
Man On Internet Almost Falls Into World Of DIY Mustard Enthusiasts #~# DES MOINES, IA—When Steve Gibson first became casually involved with an online community of mustard makers, he had no idea his mild interest in the condiment would, within a few short months, spiral dangerously out of control.
I Didn't Spend 6 Weeks In A Medical License Reinstatement Ethics Class To Have You Call Me 'Mister' #~# It's tragic how people treat doctors in this day and age. The lack of respect for the education and training medical professionals go through, both before and after unfortunate ethical transgressions, is downright shameful, and it has to stop right now.
Lohan Sues E*Trade Over TV Ad #~# Actress Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against the Internet brokerage E*Trade over a commercial featuring a talking baby named Lindsay who suffers from "milkaholism." What do you think? 
Couple Of Cool Guys Just Hanging Out #~# UPDATE: NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Cool guys Shawn Goldstein and Walt Traxel no longer hanging out.
Alternate Health Care Bills #~# In response to President Obama's call for compromise, several lawmakers have concocted their own health care reform bills. Here are some provisions of the top contenders:
Man vs. Seagull #~# NGC
Chris Bosh Out For Season After Cutting Open Knee To See How It Works #~# TORONTO—The Raptors medical staff announced Tuesday that Chris Bosh will miss the rest of the season after the inquisitive forward cut open his knee with a steak knife in an effort to look inside and see how the joint works. "There's a lot more stuff in there than I thought," said Bosh, who after finishing the surgery attempted to stop the bleeding by wrapping an entire roll of toilet paper around his knee. "It probably needs all those meaty-looking ropes so it can bend. And look in this pickle jar—I kind of had to use some pressure to get it started turning, but I had no idea that I could unscrew my kneecap. Pretty cool, huh?" While recovering from the significant ligament and cartilage damage, Bosh said he plans to undergo a procedure to detect early signs of colorectal cancer by shoving a digital camera up his ass.
Universe Comes To Halt As Kid Flips Through First Shark Book #~# SPRINGDALE, AR—The dynamic processes by which matter and energy function in the physical world ground to a halt Thursday night as 7-year-old Troy Benton paged through his first fully illustrated book about sharks. "Whoa!" said Benton, who was staring wide-eyed at a photo of a great white shark when time came to a complete standstill, the planets stopped dead in their orbits, and a strange, unknowable force disrupted all of existence and caused a rift in the very fabric of reality. "Up to 20 rows of teeth?" Sources confirmed that earlier this month the universe and all the laws governing it collapsed entirely on occasions coinciding with Benton's discovery of cobras, dinosaurs, and fighter jets.
Wine May Help Women Moderate Weight #~# In a long-term study that surveyed the drinking habits of 20,000 women, those who consumed moderate amounts of alcohol were more likely to keep their weight down. What do you think?
Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text #~# WASHINGTON—Unable to rest their eyes on a colorful photograph or boldface heading that could be easily skimmed and forgotten about, Americans collectively recoiled Monday when confronted with a solid block of uninterrupted text. 
Do The New Tablets Own Up To The Hype? #~# When tablet computers first reared their heads in the '90s, they were quickly written off as low-powered machines that were kind of neat, but not terribly functional. As a busy performer doing three shows a day at the marine park, I didn't have time to fumble around with the clumsy stylus that came with these devices, and within a month, mine found its way to the bottom of the junk drawer.
Ball Movement Making Dirk Nowitzki Nauseous #~# DALLAS—During last Wednesday's game against the Phoenix Suns, Mavericks center Dirk Nowitzki reportedly told teammates that he "needed a sec" after a possession featuring quick-paced perimeter passing made him nauseous. "Oh jeez, I think I'm gonna throw up," said the nine-time all-star, who, using the team's second time-out, headed to the sidelines, where he dry-heaved between slow, small sips of Gatorade. "I think I should be okay. Just give me some room." Minutes later, Nowitzki ran into the locker room with his hand covering his mouth after a Jason Terry no-look pass to Shawn Marion.
Mytron The Fifth, Illuminati Ruler And Secret Overlord Of All Humanity, Dead At 112 #~# 2,000 MILES BENEATH BAVARIA, GERMANY—Mytron the Fifth, Illuminati ruler and secret mastermind of the entire human race since the year 8449 on the world's true calendar, died yesterday in his subterranean bedchamber. He was 112. Mytron, who assumed clandestine dominion of the planet upon the sudden withering of Hemmonphanes the Ancient, was perhaps best known for engineering more than 200 wars, economic catastrophes, and famines, and for having psychokinetic control over the inner thoughts of every man, woman, and child on earth. "He'll be missed," said a longtime friend and Roman Catholic archbishop who declined to be identified. Mytron is survived by 251 offspring, primarily from his human wives.
Global Warming Skeptics Growing In Numbers #~# Since 2008, the number of people who don't believe in global warming has doubled to 16 percent. What do you think? 
Family vs. High School Reunion #~# LIFETIME
Uh-Oh, Annoying Coworker Going To Tell You Why IndyCar Racing Completely Different From NASCAR #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Oh man, sources confirmed that it looks as though Paul Martinelli, that irritating guy from sales, is going to give you an entire breakdown of the differences between IndyCar and NASCAR after you—completely by accident, for Christ's sake—referred to the Daytona 500 as the Indy 500, and only in reference to the pace of work around your office. "Open-wheel racing, such as IndyCar, is more concerned with aerodynamics, not to mention the obvious fact that the cars race on road and street courses in addition to ovals," said Martinelli, who is more than capable of droning on about this crap for hours, especially when he should, oh, let's see, be talking to potential clients, maybe. "Of course, you could say that here in the office we run around in circles all day just like drivers in both series! Heh! Ah, man. Anyway, me? I'm a fan of both." At press time, Martinelli was spouting some nonsense about formula-something-something being a higher class of auto racing while you answered an e-mail.
Out-Of-Control Group Yields Little Usable Data #~# ATLANTA—A study of the effects of antidepressants on sleep patterns was derailed this week when the experiment's out-of-control group—a sampling of participants selected for their violent tendencies and inability to follow simple instructions—grew restless and destroyed expensive brain-wave scanners crucial to the project. "Unfortunately, half the group didn't even show up, and the other half brought their friends with them," lead researcher Dr. Adrienne Gatspur said. "Later, we discovered they had broken into the medicine closet and loaded up on God-knows-what, so our results wouldn't be valid anyway, even if they hadn't torched all our data sheets. Sometimes I wish we didn't have to have an out-of-control group." At press time, the out-of-control group had broken out of the clinic and was roaming the streets of Atlanta, terrorizing tourists and looking for another medical study to join.
20% Of Teens Have High Cholesterol #~# A study of American teens shows that one in five has unhealthy cholesterol levels. What do you think? 
Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With 4-Page Pamphlet #~# CLEARWATER, KS—Sitting alone in the school nurse's office, local student Vanessa McMillan, 12, was welcomed to the most beautiful and special time in her life Tuesday by a four-page educational pamphlet.
Meat And Potatoes #~# ABC
Wrestling Fan's Comments Alternate Between Admitting It's Fake, Forgetting It's Fake #~# STATEN ISLAND, NY—During a recent screening of WWE Friday Night SmackDown, wrestling enthusiast David Graziano fluctuated between an awareness that the match he was watching was completely scripted and a willingness to treat the event as though it were 100 percent real. "[Chris] Jericho isn't even coming close to landing those punches," said Graziano, who, seconds later, gave a pained shout as wrestler Edge chopped Jericho across the chest. "That chair-hit looked dumb as hell, but Jericho should have dodged low and slapped on the [finishing move] Walls of Jericho. Nobody can get out of that." Graziano later commented on how old the Undertaker was looking, and how the Deadman wouldn't be able to single-handedly bury people alive for too much longer.
Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save #~# HOUSTON—With the challenges accompanying his developmental disorder widening the already vast gulf between his parents, autistic child Evan Thomas, 3, continued this week to destroy the failing marriage he was brought into this world to save.
Area Man Wonders What Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady Talk About #~# WATERBURY, CT—While skimming an SI.com article about Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, local roofer Ernest Wilkinson, 46, told reporters Thursday that he could not even begin to comprehend what the American-born football player and his wife, Brazilian-born lingerie model Gisele Bundchen, talk about with each other. "What do they say? 'Hi, honey, you look great.' 'Yeah, so do you, honey.' I mean, how many times can you have that conversation?" asked Wilkinson, who listed several things the two didn't have in common, including jobs, culture, background, and "taste in movies, probably." "I bet after they have sex they talk about how good it was, and that's all. How long could a conversation like that really last?" Upon further consideration, Wilkinson acknowledged that maybe wealthy, famous, attractive couples like Bundchen and Brady really don't need to talk about anything.
Gordon Ramsay's Fuck You #~# FOOD
Soda Tax Suggested In California #~# California lawmaker Dean Florez has introduced a bill that would tax soda and other sugary drinks one cent for every teaspoon of caloric sweetener they contain. What do you think?
Failed ESPN Shows #~# For every Around The Horn, ESPN has produced a Stump The Schwab. Some other properties from the Worldwide Leader that never made the cut:
Disabled Athlete Likes It When Opponents Go Easy On Him #~# SHIPPENSBURG, PA—At first glance, 17-year-old Jeremy Davis looks like any other member of the Shippensburg Lions wrestling team. He jostles for key position against his teammates, participates in spin and takedown drills, and seems to enjoy the challenges of his sport.
I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars! #~# Item! Anyone who's read my column in the past knows that I am pretty outspoken about the Oscars. Even though I readily admit it's the biggest event of the entertainment year (and hosting my Annual Oscar Party is the biggest event on my social year), I've also been quite the critic: I nearly boycotted the show in 1999 when they announced that Billy Crystal wouldn't be hosting. And when filmmaker Monty Moore gave his speech about President George Bush, I let people know that, though I didn't disagree with him, I thought it was traitorous to use the Oscars to push your political views. 
Once Mighty Super Bowl Commercial Now Sad, Pathetic 'Price Is Right' Commercial #~# LOS ANGELES—Though it once stood proud as a majestic and much-celebrated Super Bowl ad—captivating an audience of millions with its sleek, seductive images and stunning production values—a television commercial for Doritos was reduced Wednesday to occupying a feeble 30-second slot between segments on The Price Is Right. "It's tragic to see an ad fall so far so fast," viewer Bob Crumbley said of the corn-chip spot, which just last month was beloved far and wide for its sly and good-natured humor, but has since become nothing more than a meddlesome obstruction to the Showcase Showdown. "What a humiliating way to go." The ad is scheduled to fall even further from grace next week, when a pathetically truncated 15-second version will air during a rerun of Judge Joe Brown.
Chile Quake Shifted Earth's Axis #~# The recent earthquake in Chile shifted the axis of the earth 3 inches and made the day 1.26 microseconds shorter. What do you think? 
Houseguest Just Going To Lie There Until Rest Of House Wakes Up #~# SAN DIEGO—Houseguest Kevin Keegan announced Sunday morning that, despite being totally awake, he nonetheless intends to remain on the living room couch he slept on last night until one or more of the house's occupants gets up.
Babies For Those Who Can't Have Them #~# LIFETIME
Academy Awards Highlights #~# Every year, the Oscars entertain Hollywood insiders and movie fans alike. Here are some of the more memorable and scandalous moments in the ceremony’s 81-year history:
Ski Jumper Has To Work On His Soaring #~# VANCOUVER—Following a disappointing 98.5-meter effort that onlookers described as a "longish hop" or "sort of a flutter," ski jumper Hans Pavelka announced Friday that he would redouble his commitment to soaring. "I acknowledge that my soaring is not as majestic as it could be. This week it was all I could do to manage a glide," Pavelka said through an interpreter. "I have hired the soaring coach who worked with the world's best-known soarers and have booked time in the new $12 million soaring tunnel outside Ingolstadt. I promise my soaring shall be the envy of the world in 2014." Ski jumping insiders lauded Pavelka's statement, but speculated that ski jumping's movement toward more innovative forms of careening could render soaring obsolete in four years.
9-Pound Infant Barrels Way Down Birth Canal #~# IDAHO SPRINGS, CO—Described by medical personnel as "a real whopper," a 9-pound infant came hurtling down the birth canal of 27-year-old Jennifer Pischke like a bat out of hell Monday. "Fire in the hole!" obstetrician Karen Mobley screamed as the infant careened off the sides of Pischke's fully dilated cervix like a Comanche on the warpath. "This little cannonball's ready to blow. Gangway!" At press time, the baby, nicknamed Herbert "Heads Up, Idaho Springs, We Got a Full-Throttle Runaway Locomotive on Our Hands" Pischke, was resting comfortably in a bassinet.
PlayStation 3 Outage Angers Players #~# A programming bug in Sony's PlayStation 3 caused error messages to crop up this week, and the manufacturer urged owners not to use the gaming console for 24 hours. What do you think?
Google Responds To Privacy Concerns With Unsettlingly Specific Apology #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Responding to recent public outcries over its handling of private data, search giant Google offered a wide-ranging and eerily well-informed apology to its millions of users Monday.
My Constituents Care Way More About Political Gamesmanship Than Jobs, Health Care, And The Economy #~# It is my responsibility as an elected official to look out for the people back home, the voters who sent me to Washington. So, after 20 years representing Ohio's 8th District, I know what the good citizens of Montgomery, Preble, and Butler counties really want: someone who engages in the kind of calculated political gamesmanship that increases his standing in the Republican party while simultaneously hindering our country's legislative process at every conceivable turn.
Hitting Coach Lets Out Long, Melancholy Sigh Before Working With Pitchers On Bunting #~# JUPITER, FL—Florida Marlins hitting coach Jim Presley massaged his temples with his left hand and emitted a deep, sorrowful sigh Friday when he realized he would have to spend two hours going over bunting with his team's pitchers. "All right, let's just get this over with," said Presley, who spent much of the practice shaking his head in disbelief and wincing from frustration. "How is it that you're all professional baseball players, but you don't know how to do this? Move up in the batter's box and square yourself off. And make sure you thumb is out—oh, boy. You're going to have to get that checked out." Presley was reportedly in high spirits afterward when he watched infield coach Joey Espada work with the pitchers on throwing to first base.
Area Dad Suffers Massive Nothing To Worry About #~# STEVENS POINT, WI—In a no big deal that barely even took place, area factory worker and father of four Walt Koepke suffered a massive nothing to worry about late Thursday afternoon. According to sources, the 58-year-old Koepke had been shopping at a nearby grocery store when he clutched his chest, fell over, and was incapacitated by a very sudden and very painful everything will be just fine. Doctors are currently keeping Koepke under observation at Mount Sinai Hospital in case he requires another emergency quadruple sweetheart, there’s no need for you to fret over such a small matter, honestly.
President Still Smoking #~# President Obama's doctors hinted that he may still be smoking, despite his efforts to quit. What do you think? 
The Marriage Ref #~# NBC
Kevin Durant High-Dribbler In Win With 186 Bounces #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Thunder guard Kevin Durant dribbled the ball 73 times in the fourth quarter, leading all dribblers with 186 bounces in Oklahoma City's win against the New York Knicks Saturday. "At first I was trying to just be patient and dribble only when I had to, like to avoid traveling and to run the offense," said Durant, who is third in the league with 147.6 dpg and a 99.8 dribble percentage. "I know we're not supposed to admit it, but yeah, by the end I was counting. 182, 183, 184, 185, 186 bounces. It felt good. Honestly, I was in such a zone that it felt like I was dribbling on a court twice as big." Durant also led both teams with 43 jumps and 1,227 steps taken.
Yellowstone Park Attempts To Increase Ranger Population With New Mating Program #~# JACKSON, WY—In an effort to revitalize its rapidly dwindling ranger population, officials at Yellowstone National Park unveiled a new mating program this week in hopes of doubling the endangered employees' numbers by 2015. "It's vital we act now and save these once proud rangers before it's too late," said National Park Service director Jonathan Jarvis, adding that his staff had already begun identifying alpha males, monitoring the fertility cycles of several females, and preparing specially designed enclosures that would encourage copulation. "We've matched more than 15 active breeding pairs and now just have to wait and pray that they successfully mate." Park sources also said that, if Friday's singles' mixer doesn't go well, some of the more resistant female rangers may have to be tranquilized and artificially inseminated.
Museum Attendance Up During Recession #~# In a survey of 481 museums, 57 percent showed a substantial increase in attendance in 2009. What do you think? 
Archaeologists Discover Remnants Of Legendary Party Out By Train Tracks #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Archaeologists excavating the train tracks out by the quarry announced Tuesday that they have discovered evidence of an epic party dating back to the late- February period of the year 2010.
Player Drafted At Linebacker To Start At Realtor #~# OAKLAND, CA—The Raiders organization welcomed sixth-round draft choice Travis Goethel Wednesday and said the Arizona State linebacker would more than likely be asked to start as a Bay-area Realtor by the beginning of next season. "We believe that the intelligence, instinct, and leadership Travis displayed on the college gridiron will be of immense help to him as he assists his clients in finding quality housing in the greater Oakland region," a press release from the Raiders read in part. "While he was a standout college linebacker, we believe he will adjust quickly to his new position once he realizes his future is in real estate." Goethel claimed to be satisfied with the team's decision, saying it was far better than being asked to switch to car dealer, casino greeter, or long snapper.
Money Spent For Old Time's Sake #~# BROCKWAY, PA—Harkening back to an abandoned custom that had long existed only in memory, 28-year-old unemployed graphic designer Leslie Gordon exchanged currency for physical goods at a local shopping establishment Friday. "I was reminiscing about all the good times I used to have buying things with money, so I figured why not give it another go?" said Gordon, happily reliving the once-common act of selecting an item of her choosing, taking it to the register for payment, and then becoming its sole owner. "Look, they even still have those barcodes like I remember." As a result of her nostalgic splurge, Gordon will be forced to subsist entirely on maple-syrup- flavored Quaker Oats until next week.
Crist Dumps Republicans #~# After losing ground to his Republican opponent in the Republican primary, Florida governor Charlie Crist announced yesterday that he would be running for the U.S. Senate as an independent. What do you think?
Roethlisberger's Promise To Change #~# Following accusations of sexual assault and his NFL suspension, contrite quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has vowed to mend his ways. Here's how: 
Bill Belichick Drops Off Recent Draft Picks In Middle Of Nowhere, Tells Them To Find Way Back #~# UNNAMED DESERT—After providing his 2010 draft picks with only two canteens of water, a flashlight, and a cheap compass, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick dumped his 12 newest players in the middle of a desert wasteland Tuesday and told them to find their way back to Foxboro on their own.
Gimme Some Of That! #~# BRAVO
No Parent Should Ever Have To Bury His Child Alive #~# The whole thing just seems like a terrible, terrible dream.
God Shuts Down Andromeda Galaxy #~# INNER DISK, ANDROMEDA GALAXY—Thanking the spiral-shaped celestial body for its 6.8 billion years of tireless service, Our Lord and Divine Creator announced Thursday His "very difficult decision" to close down the Andromeda galaxy for good. "Nobody ever wants to have to do something like this, but operating Andromeda on a daily basis has grown impractical and I can't in good conscience keep it going," God said of the incomprehensibly massive nebula, which is home to more than 1 trillion stars and an untold number of planetary objects. "So much has changed since I brought it into being, and to be honest, it's just not working out the way I'd hoped." A spokesman for the Supreme Being issued an apology to Andromeda's 750 quadrillion resident life-forms, who as of midnight Eastern Time on May 15 will cease to exist.
Oil Slick May Hit Coast This Weekend #~# Following the explosion of a BP offshore drilling rig, 45,000 gallons of oil are pumping into the Gulf of Mexico each day, and the slick may hit the U.S. coast this weekend. What do you think?
Pickup Truck Stoled #~# LOGANSPORT, IN—Right out there, right in plain damn sight, a pickup truck got stoled last night out by the Murphy place, sources done reported Thursday.
Green Day's 'American Idiot' Musical Opens #~# A stage adaptation of Green Day's 2004 album American Idiot opened on Broadway last week. Here are some of the plot highlights from this boy-pursuing-his-dreams-in-the-big-city story:
Adam Wainwright Annoying Entire Ballpark By Announcing Pitch Count Out Loud #~# ST. LOUIS—Despite a stellar complete-game effort against the Mets Sunday, Cardinals ace Adam Wainwright managed to irritate every player, coach, member of the media, and spectator in the ballpark by shouting out his pitch count every single time he threw the ball. "One," Wainwright said after his first pitch, just seconds before acknowledging his second by shouting "Two." "Ninety-nine. One hundred. Anyone getting warmed up in the bullpen? No? One hundred and one." After realizing he had miscounted in the fifth inning, Wainwright delayed the game for two hours while he recalled and carefully tallied every pitch prior to that point.
Senate Bully Forces Legislators To Repeatedly Pass 'We Are Huge Homos' Bill #~# WASHINGTON—S. 4781, otherwise known as the We're All a Bunch of Huge Homos Act, was unanimously passed for the ninth consecutive time after pressure Thursday from Senate bully Rob Antonelli (R-NJ). "The bill passes. It is resolved that I am a fag. We are all massive fags," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), who has been repeatedly told by his constituents to defend himself and just pop Sen. Antonelli right in the face. "Let the record show that we are also big pussies who wet our beds at night." Aides to Antonelli told reporters the senator would be out by the bike racks behind the Smithsonian later if any of them would like to learn more details about the bill.
Stephen Hawking Warns Of Aliens #~# In a new documentary, celebrity physicist Stephen Hawking says that while there are almost certainly other life forms in the universe, we should avoid contact with them lest they decide to strip our planet of its resources. What do you think?
Big Men, Tiny Problems #~# FOX
FBI Uncovers Plot To 'Sex And The City 2' #~# WASHINGTON—Following an extensive eight month investigation, the FBI announced this week that it had learned of the potentially devastating plot to Sex And The City 2.
Getting Through Allergy Season #~# While for most people, spring means life and rebirth, for allergy sufferers, the excess of pollen in the air means watery eyes and runny noses. 
True Yankees, Regular Yankees To Now Wear Different Uniforms #~# NEW YORK—The New York Yankees unveiled a new, lesser uniform at a press conference Tuesday in an effort to distinguish ordinary, run-of-the-mill Yankees from the "true Yankee legends who walk among us." "To have Javier Vazquez don the same pinstripes as Mariano Rivera or Jorge Posada is…well, it's unthinkable," Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said as Curtis Granderson modeled the sterile, black-and-white uniform with a large, boxy, non-interlocking "NY" stitched across the front of the chest. "The untrue Yankees will wear a blank, unfitted ball cap until they have their big Yankee moment. They'll wear their last names on the backs of their lesser uniforms as a badge of shame." When asked which uniform he was assigned, Alex Rodriguez cried for 10 minutes.
Thing In Cave Not Finished With Eric Yet #~# WETHERILL MESA, CO—Two minutes of tense silence punctuated by a sound words can’t even describe led onlookers to believe Tuesday that the thing in the cave—whatever it is—was not through with Eric just yet. Huddled, outside-the-cave sources confirmed that the thing was apparently only getting started, despite hopes that a short break after what felt like hours of cracks, thuds, and weird suction noises meant that what was done was done and at least Eric wouldn’t have to suffer any longer. As of press time, Don had ignored Chrissy’s tearful warnings that the thing could still be hungry for more, and had taken the group’s only flashlight to go in after him.
'Archie' Gets A Gay Character #~# A gay student named Kevin will be introduced this September in an issue of Veronica, part of the Archie Comics franchise. What do you think?
Comedy Central Presents: Your Uncle #~# COMEDY CENTRAL
Fan Incredibly Disappointed To Learn Player's Favorite Book Is The Bible #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Upon learning that Thunder star Kevin Durant's favorite book is the Bible, Dale Lowell, 36, told reporters Friday that he was "super disappointed" and said he would have to reassess his entire opinion of the Oklahoma City forward. "It would really suck if he was one of these really outspoken religious guys," a visibly deflated Lowell said after reading an ESPN The Magazine article in which Durant claimed he looked to the Bible before games for inspiration. "But either he really believes all that stuff, or he just thinks that having the Bible be his favorite book is a safe answer, which is almost as bad. You watch him play and you just assume he's so much cooler than that." Lowell added he was equally disappointed when he found out Thunder point guard Russell Westbrook's favorite book is To Kill A Mockingbird.
Man At Very Top Of Food Chain Chooses Bugles #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Despite having no natural enemies and belonging to a species that completely dominates its ecosystem, local IT manager Reggie Atkinson opted to consume the processed corn snack Bugles Monday. "I was in the mood for something salty and crunchy, and it's a little early for dinner," said the ultimate predator, whose ancestors' bipedal locomotion, toolmaking abilities, and advanced spatial recognition developments allowed them to hunt animals 10 times their size. "These are original, but the other flavors are pretty good, too." Acting on an impulse from an incredibly complex forebrain that has evolved over millions of years, Atkinson then took note of the Bugles' amusing conical shape and placed one on each of his opposable thumbs like little wizard hats.
'South Park' Creators Threatened By Extremists #~# In response to a South Park episode in which the Prophet Muhammad appears in a bear costume, the radical Muslim website Revolutionmuslim.com hinted that the TV show’s creators would end up like murdered Dutch filmmaker Theo Van Gogh. What do you think?
Obama Promoted To Senior Vice President Of American Affairs #~# NEW YORK—A statement from America's National Headquarters revealed Thursday that, after just two years heading the Executive Branch, President Barack Obama has been promoted to Senior Vice President of American Affairs.
Roger Goodell 'Completely Skeeved Out' By Meeting With Ben Roethlisberger #~# NEW YORK—NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said Wednesday that Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will serve a six-game suspension and must attend mandatory counseling, partially for violating the league's personal-conduct policy and partially for 'giving [Goodell] the creeps' during their Apr. 13 meeting. "Ben's bodyguards stood outside the door, and he assured me we were all alone and no one would bother us. Then he suddenly sat on my desk and tried to look at my notes, asking me what I was writing, if I was writing to another guy, or if I was telling someone else about him. At one point he sort of cornered me and I had to squeeze past him to get away," said Goodell, adding that he just tried to get the meeting over with as fast as possible. "He was so gross. And having his hair like that certainly doesn't help." Goodell also remarked that he would probably still change offices, although Roethlisberger's smell had mostly gone away.
Tom Hanks Forces Houseguests To Play 'World War II' With Him #~# LOS ANGELES—Two-time Academy Award winner Tom Hanks, 53, once again invited a group of friends to his home and forced them to play a make-believe game of World War II with him, sources reported Saturday.
Heroic SWAT Team Stops NFL Draft Countdown Clock With One Second Remaining #~# NEW YORK—Law enforcement specialists who responded to reports of a ticking draft timer at Radio City Music Hall Thursday night are being praised for their selflessness and courage in preventing the clock from counting down its final second. "If that thing had been allowed to hit zero, these guys would have been sent flying all over the country," said SWAT team disposal technician Gavin McReary, the man who actually cut the wires that stopped the clock, preventing a tragedy that would have ruined the lives of countless young men. "You should have seen the look of relief on that Suh guy's face. He hugged me and said if we hadn't been there to deactivate that timing device, his life would be over." To show their gratitude, college football stars posed with the officers while wearing NYPD caps and holding up commemorative 00:01 SWAT uniforms.
Little League Coach Reveals Creepy Method For Breaking In Baseball Mitt #~# KILLEEN, TX—Telling the assembled group of third-graders that they had to oil it down and tie it up real good, 38-year-old Killeen Kougars coach Dan Behling explained, in creepy detail, how to break in a baseball glove Monday. "A good glove will be with you for a long time, so you got to treat it like your girl," Behling said to the innocent 9-year-olds as they stared at their feet. "Don't use the cheap stuff. Get good oil. It'll feel tight at first, but just keep pounding and pounding. She'll loosen up." Despite their discomfort, members of the team were unable to argue with the method, which resulted in a smooth, supple glove that warmly caressed—rather than loosely hung off—the hand.
Illinois Protesters Demand Higher Taxes #~# An estimated 15,000 people turned up at the Illinois state Capitol and called for higher taxes to prevent significant budget cuts. What do you think?
Great Boston Marathon Moments #~# Robert K. Cheruiyot set the new course record in this year's Boston Marathon, adding yet another chapter to the legend of this great road race.
Long-Standing, League-Wide Practical Joke Culminates In Sam Bradford Not Being Picked In NFL Draft #~# NEW YORK—In what many are calling the greatest prank in the history of professional sports, an elaborate, far-reaching practical joke to trick Sam Bradford into believing he was an elite quarterback came to a hilarious conclusion this week when Bradford was not selected in the NFL Draft.
FlashForward #~# ABC
I Still Ain't Sure About This Socialism Medicine #~# Hola, amigos. How's tricks? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been chasing my tail like a retard dog these days. I've been working plenty of hours at the warehouse discount place. I even got a little overtime. We were short-staffed because a bunch of people were out sick back in November, so they made me stand up front and look at people's receipts.
Champagne Company Develops New Second-Place Beverage #~# VERTUS, FRANCE—In an effort to provide second-place finishers with a taste of the champagne enjoyed by true winners, vintner Duval-Leroy unveiled a new sparkling wine Monday designed to be bitterly consumed by runners-up. "'Deuxième' balances the sweetness of near-triumph with the acrid aftertaste of once again falling just short," company spokesman Henri Babineaux said. "It is less effervescent but higher in alcohol content, ideal for sipping quietly in a rapidly emptying locker room." Babineaux added that the new beverage will be available in a screw top, allowing consumers to get stinking drunk without having to fiddle with a goddamn cork.
Actor Kal Penn Robbed #~# Kal Penn, the actor who played Kumar in Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle, was robbed at gunpoint in Washington, D.C. this week. What do you think?
Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade #~# CHICAGO—Even now, more than 20 years after the humiliating childhood incident took place, everyone still gleefully recalls the time you got sick and projectile-vomited right in the middle of your fifth-grade class, sources reported Tuesday.
Horoscope Test #~# 10…9…8…7…6…5… 4…3…2…1…Happy New Ye-—oops! I’ve already broken all of my resolutions! Hello again, loyal readers and fellow residents from the yesteryear of 2009! The holiday season has finally come to a close, and not a moment too soon. Between all the office parties and dinners with the in-laws—and the other things I actually wanted to do—well…I’m just plain (reindeer) pooped! Yes, two months of spreading cheer has really taken a toll on ol’ Saint Roger. Frankly, I’m surprised the New Year’s ball was the only thing that dropped at the end of December. I was tired enough to drop, too!aIs it just me, or did this year’s Yuletide seem a little fa-la-la-la-looong? From Thanksgiving to Hanukkah to Christmas to Kwaanza to New Year’s…. Hey, when exactly did I sign up to run this Merry-thon (marathon)? I swear, if I hear one more Christmas carol, I’m going to Rudolph all over my Christmas Shoes. This Winter Wonderland is quickly becoming a Winter Wonder-when-it-will-end-land. How about we get to the Last Noel already? Check, please! I don’t know about you guys, but it feels like I started eating turkey, hanging holly, and buying presents last year. Oh, wait. I did! But seriously, I couldn’t be happier that we’ve finally made it to 2010. It seemed like the distant future five years ago, when I promised my wife Rosemary that I would sell a book by 2010 or go back to hotel managing. But now that we’re here, I’ve got only one thing to ask you:  Dude, where’s my hovercar?  Honestly! I’ve seen enough Schwarzenegger classics to know the future is supposed to be much, much cooler than it is now. By 2010, we should have things like laser guns and supercomputers. Instead, we’ve got a stagnant economy, the Segway, and Congress. (And we’re still waiting for that last one to become intelligent.)  The wife says she can’t wait another year for this “comedy thing” to pan out? Well, I can’t wait another year for food in pill form and holograms! Heck, I wouldn’t even mind obeying an all-knowing dictator who watches over me constantly and judges everything I do. Er, someone besides my mother-in-law, that is. Yikes! That woman makes the Thought Police look like Barney Fife. Oh, (big) brother! At any rate, 2010 is going to see a whole new Roger Dudek. I’ve made some very important New Year’s resolutions. Of course, with my track record, maybe I should start calling them “reso-loose-tions.” Because they couldn’t be looser! Last year I resolved to stop eating fast food. Three days later I was begging the girl at McDonald’s to “take her sweet time with those Big Macs.” The only will power I have is the power to leave all my worldly possessions to Rosemary when I die. (I hope she likes VHS tapes of Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts and well-worn bathroom readers!) More like won’t power! Reso-loose-tion No. 1: Spend more time with the twins. I know they say “Kids grow up fast,” and that’s certainly true with my girls. But, let me tell you, they’re going in more directions than just “up”! In fact, they’re going every which way at once! They’ve got school and soccer practice and band practice and hanging out at the mall and “none of your business, Dad.” (That seems to be their favorite hang-out spot!) In fact, they bounce around in so many directions I’m not sure if they’re getting older or I’m seeing tracers as they enter warp speed!   Reso-loose-tion No. 2: Get a copy of my book, Memoirs Of A Guy-sha, to Mr. Saturday Night, the great Billy Crystal. What with the publishing industry disappearing faster than Jack Nicholson’s hairline and my book agent no longer taking my calls, it looks like I have to use all my connections to get this thing sold. Let’s just hope my connections are still, er, connected. Otherwise, my situation is going to be like a second-rate USO tour: Hope-less! Reso-loose-tion No. 3: Learn a new word every day. Today my wife’s sister invited us over for dinner, so I think I’m going to start with “no!” Happy Back to Work-days, everyone! If you need me, I’ll be at Burger King eating one french fry every three minutes! O
Sarah Palin's Speaking Demands #~# A draft contract containing details about Sarah Palin's speaking fee and requirements was obtained by California State University, Stanislaus, students who claim they found the document in a Dumpster.  Here are some of her demands:
Toads Can Predict Earthquakes #~# After studying toads in a dry lake bed in Italy, a British doctoral candidate discovered that toad behavior may be an indicator of earthquakes. What do you think?
Albert Pujols Sliding Into Everything After Learning To Slide #~# ST. LOUIS—Sources in the Cardinals organization confirmed Tuesday that, after completing private sliding lessons, Albert Pujols has been sliding feetfirst into equipment, open doorways, dirty laundry, teammates, dugouts, and anything else the three-time NL MVP can possibly slide into. "His technique is nearly perfect, but I can't even warm up without him barreling across the field and sliding into the pitcher's mound," said Cardinals starter Brad Penny, adding that a suds-covered Pujols also slid into him several times last week during a postgame shower. "I'm worried he'll wear himself out by sliding into the on-deck circle over and over again. And there's no reason he should be sliding into the St. Louis Arch." When asked to comment, Pujols slid into a group of reporters.
Gun Goes Off During Life's Third Act #~# CHEYENNE, WY—A gun introduced during the childhood of local resident Keith Johnson went off near the end of his life's third act Wednesday, finally resolving the dramatic tension that had gripped the residents of Cheyenne. The revolver, which was inherited from Johnson's emotionally distant father, was a frequent background detail in the unfolding narrative, though its importance had been dismissed until a drunken Johnson brought it out in front of his wife, Susan, and daughter, Katie toward the end of his marriage's second act. While only fleeting and disconnected images were available at press time, including the gun itself smoking on the floor next to Katie's favorite doll, consequences of Johnson's action will not be known until police reopen the scene and either begin the fourth act of Johnson's life or announce an epilogue.
The Basketball Ref #~# NBC
Biden Receives Lifetime Ban From Dave & Buster's #~# DALLAS—Following dozens of complaints from waitstaff and numerous incidents of property damage over the past 10 years, representatives from the Dave & Buster's corporation, a bar-restaurant chain offering a wide variety of arcade games, announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has been permanently banned from all 55 locations nationwide.
So We Meet Again, The Croup #~# How very curious. The patient seems to be displaying some highly unusual symptoms. There doesn't appear to be any swelling of the lymph nodes, yet I detect signs of a fever and the boy complains of nausea. Hmm, I wonder. Clearly, this is no common cold I'm dealing with here. No, something about this child's sickness is almost reminiscent of…could it be? Why, yes, of course! How could I have missed it? That distinctive barking cough; the constricted breathing; the hoarseness of the patient's voice. It could only mean one thing…
Mel Kiper, Jr. Explains How Justice Stevens' Retirement Affects NFL Draft #~# BRISTOL, CT—According to NFL draft expert Mel Kiper, Jr., Associate Justice John Paul Stevens' announcement last week that he would be retiring from the U.S. Supreme Court altered Kiper's Big Board considerably. "This certainly complicates things. If, for example, Obama selects 9th Circuit Court of Appeals judge Sidney Thomas, there's a good chance Jacksonville will take Sergio Kindle out of Texas instead of C.J. Spiller," Kiper said during Tuesday's edition of SportsCenter. "Now, if Obama goes with a jurist whose confirmation could be a long, drawn out process, like an Elizabeth Warren, the 49ers will definitely have to trade down for more picks." Kiper added any chance of Tim Tebow being drafted in the first round was basically quashed when Obama ruled out Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for the justiceship.
Passage Of Health Care Reform Brings Democrat-Republican Score To 317,622-318,047 #~# WASHINGTON—With their legislative victory on health care last month, Democrats narrowed by one point the gap in their 150-year-long competition with Republicans, bringing the current score between the rival political parties to 317,622-318,047. "The Republicans had a really strong first half, racking up points with their opposition to slavery and extension of citizenship to Native Americans," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said at a press conference Monday. "We caught up in the '30s and '60s with the New Deal and civil rights, then they blew it wide open from 1980 on. But now we're back in striking distance. Just 400 more political points to go." Anonymous Republican sources told reporters they were planning to bounce back next week by naming another building after Ronald Reagan.
McDonald's Nixes Cage-Free Eggs #~# The board of McDonald's has come out against a proposal that would require the restaurant to obtain 5 percent of its eggs from cage-free sources. What do you think?
DHiPs #~# NBC
Amar'e Stoudemire Still Trying To Find Out Where He Was Traded To #~# PHOENIX—After hearing his name in myriad trade rumors, Phoenix Suns forward Amar'e Stoudemire revealed Wednesday that, nearly two months after the NBA trade deadline, he is still trying to figure out which team he should currently be playing for. "I'm guessing I'm a Cavalier now, but maybe it doesn't take effect until next season," Stoudemire said following a game in which he led the Suns with 20 points. "Am I on the Nets and they just haven't told me yet? I've never been traded before so I don't really know how this works. Please, say I'm not a Net." Stoudemire added that, whichever team he is on, he's looking forward to sticking it to his Suns ex-teammates during the playoffs.
Helicopter Ride Pretty Much Delivers The Goods #~# HOMESTEAD, FL—Following a tour of the Everglades National Park, helicopter passenger Pete Palmissano reported that the trip was basically every bit as amazing as he had anticipated since age 4. "Was it pretty much awesome? Yeah," Palmissano said of the 15-minute ride that featured two swoops and a full 40 seconds of hovering 20 feet over the ground. "It's a helicopter ride. Of course it was." Palmissano reported that in stark contrast to the thrill of his aviation experience, his drive back to the hotel in a rented Kia pretty much sucked.
Icelandic Volcano Halts European Air Travel #~# A plume of ash from an erupting volcano in Iceland halted most air travel in Great Britain and Western Europe this weekend. What do you think?
Report: China To Overtake U.S. As World's Biggest Asshole By 2020 #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Monday by a panel of top economists and social scientists, the People's Republic of China will overtake the United States as the world's dominant asshole by the year 2020.
Law & Order SVU #~# NBC
Devin Ebanks Announces Intentions To Enter League They Pay You To Play Basketball At #~# MORGANTOWN, WV—West Virginia Mountaineers forward Devin Ebanks announced his intentions Monday to skip his final two years of college eligibility and join that one super-huge nationwide league where they give you money if you play basketball in it. "My dream has always been to go to the basketball place with all the older people who get paychecks for it," Ebanks said. "Not that I didn't cherish my time at that place with all the rooms and the talking people up front with the thick paper word holders. But that was for free, and I need to get one of those basketball jobs." When asked where he thought he would be selected in the 2010 NBA Draft, Ebanks told reporters, "On the stage part of the room with the men in suits with the ping-pong balls."
Opening Staff Rails Against Incompetence Of Closing Staff #~# ATHENS, GA—Citing a recent rash of barely mopped floors, sloppy register work, and general negligence, the opening staff of local restaurant Dom's issued a harsh proclamation this week, saying it would no longer endure the half-assed performance of the closing staff.
Nation Collectively Acts Like It Was Rooting For Phil Mickelson All Along #~# NEW YORK—The entire U.S. populace pretended it had not been rooting for Tiger Woods to come back from a bizarre sex scandal to win the 2010 Masters Sunday, claiming instead it was pulling for Phil Mickelson the entire tournament. "Anyone who wasn't cheering for Phil after the year he's been through with his wife's breast cancer diagnosis needs to seriously reexamine his values," said Boston resident Will Foreman, who secretly winced along with the majority of the nation when Woods bogeyed the par-4 14th hole during his final round. "I bet there are some sickos out there who actually wanted Woods to win because they thought it would be…well, pretty goddamn amazing, actually. Like no other triumph in the history of sports—an unforgettable moment. Not me, though: Phil and his wife embracing on the 18th is what I tuned in on Sunday to watch. Yup." According to CBS, a majority of citizens turned their televisions off after Woods' post-tournament interview, 15 minutes before Mickelson hit his final tee shot.
Average Time Spent Being Happy Drops To 13 Seconds Per Day #~# BERKELEY, CA—A study published in the latest issue of the Journal Of Social Sciences revealed that the amount of time spent being happy has dropped to an all-time low of 13 nonconsecutive seconds per day. "According to our data, the average American experiences a 0.8-second window of happiness upon awakening, before remembering that they're conscious beings in a relentlessly bleak and numbing world," said Dr. Derek Moore, lead author of the paper. "Other periods of happiness include 1.9 seconds after a good meal; 0.6 seconds upon receiving a paycheck; 1.1 seconds following completion of a scientific study; and the 2.5 seconds approaching orgasm, just before the guilt sets in." Researchers also recorded the smallest period of contentment yet, a 3.7-millisecond interval preceding the realization that one was experiencing happiness and that it could not possibly last.
Spanking Leads To Aggressive Children #~# According to a study in the forthcoming issue of Pediatrics, 3-year-olds who are spanked more frequently are more likely to bully and hit at age 5. What do you think?
Scouting The Sleepers Of The 2010 NFL Draft #~# Sam Bradford and Ndamukong Suh are getting all the attention, but NFL scouts look to the late rounds for hidden talent. Here are the players they should be keeping an eye on:
All Sports To Cease So Skip Bayless Has Nothing To Talk About #~# NEW YORK—Expressing regret that joyless, wrongheaded ESPN commentator and attack journalist Skip Bayless could not be dealt with otherwise, commissioners from every major professional sporting league, top officials of amateur athletic associations, and representatives of player unions reached an agreement Wednesday to end the practice of competitive sports in order to forever deprive Bayless of any subject matter.
American Punch-Up #~# FOX
Most Men Are Too Intimidated To Date A Successful, Educated Gorgon #~# Well, another wasted evening, another potential "Mr. Right" walking out of my life. I guess I should be used to it by now, because it's just so typical: Men will talk all day about how much they value ambition and intelligence in a partner, but when they finally meet a successful, educated gorgon, all of a sudden they head for the hills.
Closeted Soldiers Getting In Last Clandestine Rendezvous Before 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Repealed #~# ARLINGTON, VA—With the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy set to be repealed, millions of closeted soldiers are rushing to get in their last ever sessions of extra-hot surreptitious sex, sources reported Monday. "Ending 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' is a major step forward for the rights of all gay soldiers," said a high-ranking officer who wished to remain anonymous. "That said, there's nothing quite like the thrill of approaching a fellow soldier under the cover of night, undressing frantically behind an Abrams tank, and engaging in wild, forbidden intercourse knowing full well that you'll be kicked out of the military if you're caught. God. What a rush." The high-ranking officer then quickly excused himself, claiming that he desperately needed to go check up on "something inside those barracks."
Twitter Now Features Ads #~# For the first time since its inception in 2006, the social networking service Twitter is running advertisements. What do you think?
Sad Sack Purchases Screenwriting Software #~# AKRON, OH—Saying that he's had a few movie ideas kicking around for a while now, local resident and very depressing man Scott Norgren purchased screenwriting software Tuesday.
Kitty Kelley Pens Oprah Tell-All #~# An unauthorized biography of Oprah Winfrey by Kitty Kelley, writer of controversial books on Elizabeth Taylor and Nancy Reagan, was published Tuesday. Here are some of the book's revelations:
Lakers Great Karl Malone Inducted Into Hall Of Fame #~# SPRINGFIELD, MA—The Basketball Hall of Fame announced Monday that All-Star power forward and Los Angeles Lakers legend Karl Malone will be inducted into its hallowed halls this August. "It's an honor, it really is," said "The Mailman," whose well-documented tandem with all-time Laker great Gary Payton helped lead the team all the way to the Finals in 2004. "I never could have done this without my teammates." Malone, who averaged 13.2 points during his legendary run with the Lakers, heads a Hall of Fame class that also includes Portland Trail Blazers star Scottie Pippen.
Scientists Finally Prove What Area Dad Has Been Saying For Years #~# HOUGHTON, MI—A new study published in the science journal Nature has confirmed what area dad Charles Hillman has been saying all along, sources reported Monday. "Observation of a random sampling of participants showed that reduced distances between a viewer and a television set can lead to eye strain and, just like your Dad always told you kids, a greater risk for refractive myopia," the paper read in part, adding that modern science could have reached these conclusions years ago if it had just listened to that Chuck Hillman guy. "In conclusion, all data seem to indicate that maybe your old man isn't the big goofball you thought he was, huh?" The authors of the study are currently conducting trials that may prove your mother is not, in fact, such a worrywart after all for making you keep a warm blanket in the trunk of your car.
Conan To Join TBS #~# Atlanta cable broadcast company TBS announced Monday a new weeknight schedule in which George Lopez will move to midnight and a new Conan O'Brien talk show will air at 11 p.m. What do you think?
Thomas and Jarrett #~# ABC
U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths #~# WASHINGTON—Citing a series of fatal malfunctions dating back to 1777, flag manufacturer Annin & Company announced Monday that it would be recalling all makes and models of its popular American flag from both foreign and domestic markets.
Navy Bans Smoking On Submarines #~# The U.S. Navy has officially banned smoking on submarines while the crafts are below the surface. What do you think?
I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment #~# This is unbelievable. A goddamned outrage, actually, is what it is. My daughter Lucy, my own flesh and blood, is bringing home this…this…black man in less than an hour. "Marlon" something or other, she tells me. Marlon! Well, I won't stand for it. As long as I have breath in my body, no daughter of mine will bring a black man into this house until I've cleaned it up a little, maybe picked up a good bottle of wine, and made damn sure I have everything I need to make him feel right at home.
New Congressional Power Rankings Oversight Committee Marks Federalization Of Power Rankings #~# WASHINGTON—The U.S. Congress today announced the formation of the National Power Rankings and Team-Positioning Joint Oversight Committee, a group that will monitor and regulate power rankings across all sporting leagues as part of the largest-ever government takeover of the nation's sports-team rankings systems. "Tonight, Americans can sleep a little easier knowing that sports journalists can no longer rank organizations based on their own arbitrary, often self-serving views," said committee chair Rep. Ben Cardin (D-MD), who recognized the need for a massive government intervention when his hometown Orioles were placed as high as 19 on some lists and as low as 26 on others. "Regulation is needed to ensure the power of these sporting entities is ranked in a fair, unbiased, consistent manner. To those who say that the ranking and blurbing of your Hollingers and your Morosis and your Zimmermans needs no government oversight, I ask you: The Angels at No. 2? Are you serious?" Cardin also noted that Congress considered further federalization of sports journalism to be necessary for the good of the nation, promising the Rick Reilly Abolishment Act would be on the president's desk by June.
Cool Dentist Doesn't Give A Shit About Patients' Flossing #~# BERKELEY, CA—Cool Berkeley-area dentist Marvin Wilson, DDS, has grown in popularity lately due to his laid-back attitude toward regular brushing and flossing, which he "couldn't give two shits about," according to sources. "I asked him if I should be brushing differently, and he said people should just brush in whatever way makes them happy," recalls longtime client Amanda Jefferies, 27. "One time he started to warn me about gingivitis, but then he was like, 'You know what? Forget it. I can tell this is totally bumming you out.'" A receptionist confirmed there is currently a six-month wait to see Dr. Wilson, as his schedule is booked with patients needing extensive gum reconstruction.
Celebrity Look-Alike Rehab #~# VH1
NASCAR's Drive For Diversity Program Successfully Hidden From Fans #~# GREENVILLE, SC—NASCAR continued to sucessfully hide its Drive for Diversity minority-involvement program from fans last week by very quietly congratulating driver Darrell Wallace, Jr. on becoming the first African-American to win a K&N Pro Series East race, an achievement that threatened unwanted publicity for the program. "Congratulations to Darren [sic] on his win in the thankfully obscure Kevin Whitaker Chevrolet 150, and we wish him good luck in his future," said a NASCAR public relations official, who asked not to be named as he struggled to prevent Wallace from taking off his full-face helmet. "On behalf of a, uh, certain stock-car racing organization, the name of which escapes me at the moment, I'd like to present you with this check for $5,000 in exchange for not doing any interviews. Your amazing achievement is proof that the Drive for [unintelligible] program is working, unfortunately." Since the program began in 2004, it's become known to less than 5 percent of fans and has sent exactly zero drivers to the top-tier Sprint Cup Series.
NBC Admits To Never Actually Making An Episode of 'Chuck' #~# LOS ANGELES—The NBC action-comedy Chuck, familiar to millions of viewers from its long-running promo bumpers, does not actually exist, network executives admitted Friday. "We had a very successful, very expensive promotional campaign, but to be honest, we never actually bothered making a pilot," NBC spokesperson Grant Twombly said. "I guess everybody just assumes everybody else is watching it, because advertisers have jumped on board, and DVD sales are somehow doing great." A ratings analyst reached for comment confirmed that "people can't get enough of that Chuck."
Malcolm McLaren Dead At 64 #~# Music manager Malcolm McLaren, who is credited with creating such acts as the Sex Pistols and Bow Wow Wow, died in Switzerland last Thursday. What do you think?
New Six Flags Ride Based On Relationship With Deborah #~# VALENCIA, CA—Promoting the coaster as “the most heartbreaking ride on earth,” the Six Flags Magic Mountain theme park unveiled its newest attraction this week: a 395-foot-tall steel roller coaster designed to simulate a grueling three year relationship with Deborah.
This New House #~# PBS
Donovan McNabb: 'I'd Like To Thank The Ungrateful, Over-Expecting,Oftentimes-Racist Fans Of Philadelphia' #~# WASHINGTON—During an emotionally charged press conference Monday, newly minted Redskins quarterback Donovan McNabb expressed gratitude to the unappreciative, abusive, and intolerant fans of the Philadelphia Eagles for their total lack of support over the years. "I'd like to thank all the Eagles fans who were always there to demand the whole world from me every week, who expected me to do everything with almost nothing, and who blamed me for the team's every failure," said the six-time Pro Bowler, who also apologized for his failure to shore up the Eagles defense and his inability to keep Brian Westbrook healthy while leading the team to five NFC championship games. "I can't thank them enough for the constant insults or tell you what their lack of support meant to me when Rush Limbaugh made racist comments about me. My only regret, besides every fucking awful moment of the past 11 years, is that I couldn't give these people what they wanted most: drafting Ricky Williams back in 1999. No fans deserved it more." McNabb then wished probable Eagles starting QB Kevin Kolb luck winning the next 25 Super Bowls "because nothing else will be enough," gave all Philly fans the finger "because I can't give them all cancer," sighed with pleasure, and went to turn in his Eagles playbook to the Redskins' defensive coordinators.
Post Office Extends Hours To 3 A.M. To Attract Late-Night Bar Crowd #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to reach out to a previously untapped customer base, the struggling United States Postal Service announced Tuesday that it would extend its business hours to 3 a.m. to meet America’s late-night mailing demands.
MLB Opening Day Marred By Strikeouts #~# NEW YORK—Players, coaches, fans, and Commissioner Bud Selig expressed concern for the state of professional baseball Monday after MLB's highly anticipated Opening Day was "completely ruined" by a rash of strikeouts that began during the afternoon games and didn't end until the day was over. "I know players can be a little rusty, but there were strikeouts in literally every single game," said Selig, adding that in some cases there had been more than one strikeout per inning. "I want to assure the fans that things will improve. If these batters put in a little more effort and try to focus, we don't have to have another strikeout this season." Selig, who also condemned MLB hitters for an unreasonable number of fly-outs, pop-ups, and groundouts, threatened to cancel the 2010 season after learning the league's pitchers gave up 96 walks.
Virginia Governor Declares April Confederate History Month #~# Arousing the ire of civil rights leaders and many residents of his state, Virginia governor Robert F. McDonnell has declared April to be Confederate History Month. What do you think?
Presidential First Pitches #~# The president throwing out the ceremonial first pitch is as revered a tradition as anything in America. We look at some of the most memorable.
Tiger Woods Followed Everywhere At Masters By Sex Addiction Sponsor #~# AUGUSTA, GA—Sources close to Tiger Woods confirmed Friday that, due to the large number of women expected to attend this year's Masters, the top-ranked golfer has requested that his Sex Addicts Anonymous sponsor, 42-year-old recovering sexaholic Dave Gilecki, be at his side at all times during the tournament.
The Guy Who Sucked At The Comedy Club Show #~# CW
Ah, Great, I Think I Got A Goddamned Monster In My Closet Again #~# Man oh man, what a day. I tell you, all that homework and running around at recess must really be catching up with me, because brother, I am bushed. So thank God I can finally get some damned shut-eye around here. Yes, sir, after another hard day at school, nothing feels better than drifting off to sleep here in my big, cozy—whoa, wait a second…what was that? Did my closet door just creak open?
Study: Shoving, Yelling Makes Things Go Faster 76% Of Time #~# TUCSON, AZ—Researchers at the University of Arizona released a study Monday showing a causal relationship between raising one's voice, pushing people in the chest, and getting what you want more quickly. "These results certainly go against common wisdom," said visibly bruised and flustered sociologist Renée Pfaff, who found that subjects in the so-called "jerk group" received rewards an average of 45 seconds faster. "Once we ran out of the rewards, the participants began shaking down our research assistants for money." The study also concluded that gratuitous swearing accelerated the process by as much as 40 percent.
Cola Lowers Sperm Count #~# A study in the American Journal Of Epidemiology found that men who drank more than 7 liters of cola a week had reduced sperm counts. What do you think?
Republicans, Leukemia Team Up To Repeal Health Care Law #~# WASHINGTON—Citing a mutually shared vision of health care in America, congressional Republicans and the deadly bone-marrow cancer leukemia announced a joint effort Wednesday to repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, the historic new bill that extends health benefits to 32 million Americans nationwide.
Miley Cyrus' Public Private Life #~# The first kiss between singer Miley Cyrus and her boyfriend, actor Liam Hemsworth, was captured during the shooting of their movie The Last Song. Here are some other milestones from Miley Cyrus' life that have been caught on tape:
Team Roadie Accidentally Sets Lakers' Basket 8 Feet High #~# NEW ORLEANS—The Lakers are claiming that burnout and fatigue during their long road swing led to a team roadie accidentally setting the basket at a sub-regulation 8 feet before their game against the Hornets Monday night. "We didn't even notice right away, but when Kobe jumped up for an alley-oop, hit his thighs on the top of the backboard, and tumbled behind it, we were all like, 'Dammit, Glenn!'" center Andrew Bynum said during a postgame press conference. "I mean, Glenn's a good guy, we love him, we'd have to do all that stuff ourselves if it wasn't for him and his crew, but how do you miss that?" The Lakers, who lost the game 108-100 due to unusually poor shooting from the field, said they were considering disciplinary action against the roadie, who had reportedly also failed to remove the brown M&Ms from the snack tray in the team's hotel suite.
Hazing Incident Ends In Tragic Joining Of Fraternity #~# ASHLAND, OH—A night of forced binge drinking and other dangerous initiation rituals ended in horrible tragedy Tuesday when pledge member Steven Paulson, 18, was accepted into Ashland University's Delta Tau Theta fraternity. "I don't understand how something like this could have happened," said an inconsolable Vanessa Paulson, mother of the young college freshman who was found naked, severely hung over, and a member of Delta Tau Theta early Tuesday morning. "Steven had such a bright future ahead of him. He didn't deserve this. Nobody deserves this." While 12 freshman suffered the same unspeakable fate, some, like Brian Hinkle, who drowned to death during the late-night hazing, managed to escape with their dignity intact.
Breast-Feeding Saves Lives, Money #~# A study in the journal Pediatrics found that if all U.S. babies were breast-fed exclusively for six months, it would save 900 lives, as well as $13.6 billion in lost wages and medical costs, each year. What do you think?
Dogtown #~# National Geographic
U.S. Government: We Have Not Forgotten About Osaka Binn Rogen #~# WASHINGTON—High-ranking intelligence officials said Monday that the military was still aggressively pursuing notorious terrorist Osaka Binn Rogen, declaring that they had not forgotten about bringing the leader of the Al Hydra network to justice.
I've Left My Haltingly Awkward Voice Message; Now The Ball's In Her Court #~# As a single guy who's gotten out there a fair amount, I've learned how to play the game. The way I see it, if someone's interested, great. If not, no skin off my nose. Take last night: I got the number of this hot young thing at a bar and decided to give her a call. And now that I've left my painfully uncomfortable six-minute-long voice message on her cell, I'm not going to waste my time obsessing over my next move. The ball's in her court.
NBA To Start Charging Teams For Free Throws #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to increase the league's revenue and offset the expensive cost of foul shots, commissioner David Stern announced Monday that the NBA would begin charging teams a $50 fee per free throw attempt. "We just can't afford to keep them free anymore," said Stern, adding that not charging for foul shots was causing the NBA to lose $25 million a year. "We believe this is a fair price. Now, if teams don't want to pay the fee they can just take the ball out-of-bounds." According to Stern, the NBA will now offer free throw insurance throughout the playoffs, allowing players to reshoot missed attempts for an additional $150.
Area Woman Wants To Be Singer Or Actor Or Whatever #~# AKRON, OH—Ever since she was a little girl, Candice Huza, 22, has dreamed of someday becoming a popular singer, or actress, or some kind of famous celebrity or whatever. "Getting to sing, or maybe model, or receive some kind of huge acting award for whatever has always been a passion of mine," said Huza, leafing through an issue of Us Weekly. "I guess I was just born be one of those people you see on television, or in the theaters, or on some huge billboard somewhere. Or a magazine. It's my calling." According to sources close to her, Huza is in fact destined to become a Wal-Mart cashier, or maybe an office receptionist, or a bitter and unhappy housewife of some kind.
Combat Aircraft Converted To Biofuel #~# The U.S. military successfully tested a "Warthog" A10 Thunderbolt II that was modified to run on a mix of aviation fuel and a fuel made from the plant Camelina. What do you think?
A Basketball Game #~# TNT
Everyone In Red Sox Locker Room Just Assumed Jason Varitek Died #~# BOSTON—Catcher Jason Varitek's entrance into the Boston clubhouse Tuesday was punctuated by startled shouts and the clatter of dropped objects, as his Red Sox teammates explained that they had all just assumed the veteran player had died. "I could have sworn he died after the All-Star break," second baseman Dustin Pedroia, who sent flowers and a card to Varitek's family, told reporters. "I don't remember seeing him on base at all last season, much less in the lineup or catching. I thought that's why we got Victor [Martinez], because Jason was dead. Right?" Though Pedroia insisted that it was good to see his teammate again, he was still not entirely convinced that Varitek was not dead after watching him take a round of batting practice.
Freakonomist Keeps Close Eye On GE Stock Versus Height Of Mexican Weightlifters #~# CHICAGO—A University of Chicago freakonomics professor told General Electric investors Monday to keep a close eye on recent fluctuations in the heights of competitive powerlifters from Mexico. "Usually we can count on a stable average of 5 feet 8 inches, but last month's quarter-inch drop in height among Mexican dead-lift competitors in the middle-heavyweight division could spell disaster for GE's aviation and software subsidiaries," freakonomist James Duncan said. "But, like anything else, a shrewd investor must always ask himself one thing: How many hot dogs did I eat last year?" Duncan previously gained recognition for tracking first-time home ownership and teenage mothers' gum purchases against the Times Tom Jones Is Played Per Day Index.
Fatty Foods Trigger Addiction Response #~# A new study in rats suggests that foods high in fat and calories trigger the same addiction response in the brain that cocaine does. What do you think?
Pope Vows To Get Church Pedophilia Down To Acceptable Levels #~# VATICAN CITY—Calling the behavior shameful, sinful, and much more frequent than the Vatican was comfortable with, Pope Benedict XVI vowed this week to bring the widespread pedophilia within the Roman Catholic Church down to a more manageable level.
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno #~# NBC
Bored Bud Selig Makes The Diamondbacks An American League Team This Year #~# NEW YORK—Bored and looking for something to do during his 19th season as MLB commissioner, Bud Selig decided Thursday that he would move the Arizona Diamondbacks to the American League West for the 2010 season. "I figured, ah, why not, you know?" a distracted and disinterested Selig told reporters, saying that implementing the league switch would be a decent way to kill time. "If it doesn't work out, we can switch it back halfway through the season. Whatever." Selig went on to announce that, just for the hell of it, Indians outfielder Grady Sizemore would be banned from baseball for life.
Chimp In Cocaine Study Starts Lying To Friends #~# ATLANTA—Concerned workers at the National Primate Research Center said Bobo, a 5-year-old chimpanzee participating in a 16-month cocaine study, was observed this week lying to the faces of friends, family, and staff.
Butler Doesn't Understand What They Have To Do To Get Out Of Indiana #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Members of the Indianapolis-based Butler University basketball team, which defeated top-seeded Syracuse on its way to the school's first-ever Final Four, wondered aloud Wednesday what more they had to accomplish to finally get the hell out of Indiana. "We've won 24 games in a row now, a longer streak than anyone else, and in recognition we get to travel where? To New York? To Los Angeles? No. Across town," Butler star Gordon Hayward said during a press conference. "How am I supposed to motivate and inspire my teammates? We've excelled at the game, and our reward is to be trapped in this armpit? My only consolation is that the three visiting teams get to see how lousy some schools have it." Hayward, an Indiana native, ended the press conference early and left without comment when told an Indiana Pacers scout would be attending the Bulldogs' game against Michigan State.
Area Man Foolishly Entrusted With Genetic Code #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Despite his laziness, unreliability, and below-average intelligence, 34-year-old local resident Dylan Fonseca has been given full access to the human genetic code, appalled biologists told reporters Monday. "The sensitive DNA and RNA sequences used by cells to replicate proteins could spell disaster for future generations if placed in the wrong hands," Stanford University genetics researcher Raymond Cohen said. "How could someone who owns nine velvet paintings ever be allowed to handle the priceless nucleic acids that are the building blocks of life itself?" Others in the scientific community were unconcerned, saying that the loner Fonseca will likely take the precious code with him to his grave.
PepsiCo Develops New 'Healthier' Salt #~# With the introduction of a new designer salt that dissolves on the tongue faster, PepsiCo hopes to reduce the sodium in its Lay's Classic potato chips by 25 percent. What do you think?
Seeing Ken Griffey Jr. In Backwards Hat Now Just Depressing #~# SEATTLE—Baseball fans across the nation admitted Monday that the sight of Ken Griffey Jr. in a backwards baseball cap—an iconic image that once filled fans with joy and promise and a feeling that maybe, just maybe, eternal youth was possible—now makes them feel completely and utterly depressed.
Guess The Dress #~# WE TV
Shaken Attorney General Resigns After Learning What Murder Is #~# WASHINGTON—Attorney General Eric Holder turned in his letter of resignation to President Barack Obama Tuesday after discovering that people willfully participate in the killing of other human beings on a routine basis. "I am stunned," a pale and shaking Holder said. "That's just horrible. People really do that? My God, why?" Sources close to Holder said that he is seeking a position in which he will be less likely to encounter man's inhumanity toward man, perhaps in child protective services.
Aw, What The Hell, Here's The Micro-Walkman We've Been Developing For 20 Years #~# Twenty years ago, my colleagues and I envisioned a radical new product that would revolutionize the portable stereo market. Some said it couldn't be done. Others made well-reasoned arguments as to why it shouldn't be done. But I refused to listen to those naysayers, be they industry insiders, accountants, our R&D department, my two children, or large blocs of irate Sony shareholders. And here we are today.
Everyone Outraged Catholic Priest Did That Thing Everyone Jokes About #~# WASHINGTON—Following revelations last week that priests in Wisconsin and Italy were responsible for molesting more than 250 young deaf boys, millions around the country expressed shock and outrage over the very thing they had been endlessly milking as a source of humor for the past 10 years. "I am stunned and disgusted that this incredibly abhorrent thing that I was just joking with a coworker about the other day has actually occurred," Seattle resident Jess Voigt said. "Even though I have been humorously referring to this particular subject almost nonstop for the past decade, I am absolutely blindsided by this unexpected and disturbing news." Members of the American populace vowed to shake their heads and drop the subject from their ribald office banter for at least two weeks before drawing on these unfortunate events to make approximately 13 million more jokes about choirboys.
Superman Sells For $1.5 Million #~# A copy of the comic containing the first appearance of Superman, Action Comics #1, just sold at auction for $1.5 million. What do you think?
Rich Guy Feeling Left Out Of Recession #~# WILTON, CT—Michael Chandler looks out the windows of his sun room, past the swimming pool and guest cottage, to the wide backyard where his two children are playing with their pet dalmatian, Scotty. At a time when Americans everywhere are sharing the struggle of a once-in-a-generation recession, Chandler can't help but wonder how he and his family fell through the cracks.
Mike Brown Claims He Was Scapegoat For Cavaliers Terrible Coaching #~# CLEVELAND—In response to his recent firing, former Cavaliers head coach Mike Brown said at a press conference Wednesday that he was unfairly singled out and blamed for the team's horrendous coaching. "I hate to admit it, but they made me a scapegoat for the overall lack of leadership and inability to make in-game adjustments," Brown said. "It didn't seem to matter how hard I worked designing ineffective plays or putting the other team's inferior talent in a position to win, because they were going to make me the fall guy." Brown told reporters that executives in the Cavaliers front office should do some soul-searching and evaluate how their own poor performances led to the hiring of such a shitty-ass coach in the first place.
Amazing Original Thing To Become Hated Cliché In 6 Months #~# NEW YORK—An extremely clever and creative new thing will amuse the world for two and a half weeks in June, become passé by mid-September, and wind up as a trite and infuriating cliché by Christmas, sources said Monday. "Positive reviews on Boing Boing will signal the brief 'happy' phase of this exciting new thing's existence, about 11 weeks prior to the first backlash," said Wired magazine senior writer Stephen Levy. "I look forward to watching America fall in love with, make YouTube parodies of, sour on, forget about, and groan legitimately when hackneyed late-night talk show references are made to the thing." Levy estimated that the thing's creator will earn $400,000 from licensing its image for use on T-shirts that will all be donated to Goodwill by next spring.
Obama Skipping Memorial Day Ceremony #~# President Obama has angered critics with his decision to vacation in Chicago over Memorial Day and let the vice president lay the traditional wreath at Arlington National Cemetery. What do you think?
Adderall Receives Honorary Degree From Harvard #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Citing the drug's extensive contributions to almost every field of academia, Harvard conferred an honorary doctoral degree upon a 30-day supply of Adderall during the university's 359th commencement exercises Thursday.
Tops & Bottoms #~# ABC
Report: Celtics, Lakers Finals To Allow Sportscasters To Endlessly List The Last Names Of Former Celtics, Lakers #~# NEW YORK—According to the nation's sportscasters, a Los Angeles Lakers–Boston Celtics matchup in the NBA Finals will give analysts the chance to repeatedly intone the names of former Celtic and Laker greats in an unbearably reverent and dramatic tone of voice. "At the top of our pregame broadcast, or anytime they cut back to the studio, I can say, 'Russell. Chamberlain. Cousy. West. Havlicek. McHale. Worthy. Baylor,' in a tone suggesting viewers should feel emotionally transported by the sheer historic force of the Lakers-Celtics rivalry," ESPN's Michael Wilbon said on Saturday, explaining that sportscasters will be able to say "Magic…Bird," or "Bird…Magic," thousands upon thousands of infuriating times throughout the series. "And when we say or, rather, invoke these names, it's important to assume a solemn, transfixed expression that makes viewers want to shout, 'Jesus Christ, get over yourselves.'" Wilbon added that, as a result of the Phoenix Suns' loss, he is slightly disappointed to not be able to talk for hours about Steve Nash's injured face.
Work Friend Accidentally Becomes Real Friend #~# ATLANTA—Despite making no deliberate efforts to engage with his coworker beyond the point of pleasant acquaintance, Eric Phipps said Thursday he was astonished to discover he had inadvertently forged a personal bond with fellow web developer Michael Jenkins.
NHL Needs To Raise $5,000 In 24 Hours If It Wants To Hold Stanley Cup Finals #~# NEW YORK—NHL accountant Stuart Peterson informed commissioner Gary Bettman early Friday that the cash-strapped league desperately needed to raise $5,000 in the next 24 hours if it still wanted to have the Stanley Cup Finals. "We can probably get something for all this used hockey equipment, and I bet that signed Mario Lemieux jersey could bring in a hundred bucks or so," said Bettman, who sold plasma to three separate blood banks and started a dog-walking business last week to make some quick cash. "Maybe we can get Wayne Gretzky to whip up a batch of his famous double-fudge brownies for the bake sale." Bettman said he was increasingly confident that the NHL would be able to raise the money, adding that he just received a call from someone willing to pay $500 for the Stanley Cup trophy.
The Real Can-Redeemers of Brooklyn #~# TLC
Area Man Visits Haiti To Check Up On $10 Donation #~# PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Three months after a 7.0 earthquake rocked the impoverished island nation of Haiti, 36-year-old Brad Halder visited its demolished capital to see firsthand how his $10 donation to a relief fund was being spent. "It's been a little while, so I just wanted to check in and make sure my money was being put to good use," Halder told reporters while surveying the still largely devastated region. "To tell you the truth, I was kind of expecting to see a lot more new homes by now. And, I don't know, maybe some new hospitals or something. But, jeez, did they get any of the $10 I sent them?" After noting that nearly 90 percent of the country still lived in abject poverty, Halder announced that any funds left over from his donation should probably go toward rebuilding Haiti's infrastructure.
Getting To Know New Nets Owner Mikhail Prokhorov #~# Since buying the New Jersey Nets, Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov has become a media fascination. Onion Sports takes a closer look at the man:
President Obama Mentions He'd Like To See LeBron James In Chicago, Also That He's Leader Of The Free World #~# WASHINGTON—President of the United States, basketball fan, and former Chicago resident Barack Obama once again weighed in on the future of LeBron James Wednesday, saying how much he would enjoy seeing the superstar play for the Bulls, and also that he, President Obama, was in fact the leader of the free world.
Pigeon To Invoke Power Of Flight #~# DES MOINES, IA—Belying its dull and unimpressive appearance, a pigeon shall, in a matter of moments, summon the power of flight, and climb ever upward to taste the skies. According to sources, no witness to this miracle of nature will suspect the mottled gray Columba livia domestica of such a feat, but after the creature takes to the air, all will liken it to an angel from heaven. After its 11th foot of aerial locomotion, sources report, the pigeon shall return to terra firma to pluck a carelessly discarded hot dog from the fertile earth, at which point it will once more alight to crap on the shoulder of Gary Bentoff, 34.
Ask A Man's Thoughts During A Moment Of Silence For Our Troops #~# Dear Man's Thoughts During A Moment Of Silence For Our Troops, 
BP Pledges To Continue Being Huge Profitable Corporation #~# LONDON—Embattled BP officials assured the public Thursday that despite the setbacks of the past month, the company was still "fiercely committed" to remaining an enormously powerful moneymaking industrial conglomerate. "We promise the good people of Louisiana or Texas or wherever that this horrific oil spill will not, even for a moment, stop us from pursuing unspeakably massive profits," BP spokesman Reginald Clacton-Thorpe told reporters. "We are even now working around the clock to make this historic PR disaster as painless for us as possible." Clacton-Thorpe stressed that "neither the terrible errors of our past nor the inevitably worse ones of our future" would affect that ultimate mission.
GOP Argues Against 9/11 Hero Care #~# Saying it might help people who were undeserving, Republican congressmen spoke out against a proposed health care program for rescue workers who responded to the 9/11 terrorist attacks. What do you think?
Existentialist Firefighter Delays 3 Deaths #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—In an ultimately futile act some have described as courageous and others have called a mere postponing of the inevitable, existentialist firefighter James Farber delayed three deaths Monday.
Entire Facebook Staff Laughs As Man Tightens Privacy Settings #~# PALO ALTO, CA—All 1,472 employees of Facebook, Inc. reportedly burst out in uncontrollable laughter Wednesday following Albuquerque resident Jason Herrick's attempts to protect his personal information from exploitation on the social-networking site. "Look, he's clicking 'Friends Only' for his e-mail address. Like that's going to make a difference!" howled infrastructure manager Evan Hollingsworth, tears streaming down his face, to several of his doubled-over coworkers. "Oh, sure, by all means, Jason, 'delete' that photo. Man, this is so rich." According to internal sources, the entire staff of Facebook was left gasping for air minutes later when the "hilarious" Herrick believed he had actually blocked third-party ads.
Calderón's Communication Breakdown #~# When Mexican president Felipe Calderón spoke at the White House last week, the translation his office provided was grammatically incorrect and riddled with errors that sometimes changed his message altogether. Here are a few of the mistakes:
U.S. To Hold Naval Exercises With South Korea #~# Following a report that blamed North Korea for torpedoing a South Korean warship, Washington announced it would conduct joint naval exercises with Seoul. What do you think?
Chelsea Lately #~# E!
Area Man Tries To Throw Split-Fingered Fastball, Breaks Arm In 9 Places #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Local resident Thomas Pickford, 43, suffered breaks in his right pisiform, scaphoid, and lunate carpals; two separate fractures of the coronoid process; and four radial breaks, including one spiral fracture, as he attempted to demonstrate to his son how to throw a split-fingered fastball in their backyard on Thursday. "So you just jam the ball in between your second and third fingers here real tight, don't forget to spin your arm as fast as it'll go, and then you rear back and— No. Oh, God," Pickford said, before grabbing his arm and collapsing to the ground. "Get your mom, get your mom, get your mom." Late next year, Pickford will dislocate both of his knees while trying to show his youngest daughter how to take a jump shot.
Boy Stops Worshipping Dad At Record Age Of 3 #~# PAULDING, OH—Shattering the previous record by nearly six full years, area toddler Myles Palmer realized this week that his father was not in fact the towering symbol of manhood he had previously idolized. "At first he thought his dad was superman," Diane Palmer said of her 3-year-old son, who over the past few weeks had begun to suspect his father might not be the tallest, strongest, or bravest man in the whole wide world. "Though when you think about all the times Richard gave up halfway through a horsey ride or flat out ignored Myles' enthusiasm for trucks, it's not at all surprising." Palmer's record is expected to be broken later this week, when a 2-week-old infant suddenly realizes that the man holding him is just as scared and frail as he is.
White House Jester Beheaded For Making Fun Of Soaring National Debt #~# WASHINGTON—After serving 12 years in the position, Motley, the official White House Jester, was beheaded Tuesday after delivering a poorly received jape about the spiraling national debt before President and Mrs. Obama.
Well, It Looks Like My Work Here Has Been Successfully Avoided #~# At long last, it's five o'clock. Another day, another dollar, as they say, and I'm just about wrapping up. All that's left to do is switch off my desk lamp, grab my coat, and head home. Maybe when I get there, I'll have a beer. Nothing hits the spot like a nice cold beer after putting in a solid seven hours of shirking responsibility at the office.
NASCAR Considers Single 21,500 Mile Race For 2011 Season #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Citing the need to cut travel and promotional costs while still providing a top-notch racing experience for fans, NASCAR president Mike Helton announced Thursday that the schedule for 2011 may consist of a single 21,500-mile event. "Holding 36 separate races as we do now is just complicated, and our fans have to learn a lot of different kinds of ovals from week to week," said Helton, who also confirmed that the three-week race would consist of either 8,600 laps of Daytona's superspeedway or 43,000 laps of the half-mile "bullring" in Bristol, TN. "We're also blessed with a fanbase who, by and large, could watch the whole thing without having to miss any work or school." The announcement was met with only moderate enthusiasm by motorsports insiders, who pointed to the NHRA's disastrous 2003 attempt to condense its season into a single 36-mile drag race.
Man Actually Shouting At Other Man To Get Jennifer Aniston Romantic Comedy Made #~# LOS ANGELES—In a tone usually reserved only for life-threatening circumstances, a fully grown man repeatedly raised his voice Monday in order to intimidate another fully grown man into producing a light-hearted, 86-minute Jennifer Aniston film. "I will ruin you!" roared the first man, literally threatening a fellow human being in an effort to get the quirky romantic comedy about a small-town pastry chef made. "I will fucking kill you!" Sources reported the two men continued violently shouting at each other for 15 minutes, and then resumed their racquetball game.
Latest 'Shrek' Weaker Than Last #~# Shrek Forever After, the latest installment in the animated children's franchise, grossed nearly $50 million less in its opening weekend than its predecessor. What do you think?
Blackhawks Attempt To Find Out Why Shark On San Jose Logo Is Eating Hockey Stick #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Baffled members of the Chicago Blackhawks reportedly scrutinized San Jose's logo Tuesday in an attempt to determine some logical reason as to why it pictures a ferocious underwater predator eating a hockey stick. "Sharks are primarily carnivorous, so it really makes no sense for them to suddenly introduce wood to their diet," said center Jonathan Toews, wondering how a hockey stick would wind up in the ocean. "Isn't a mascot animal supposed to be in favor of hockey? Why then would he ruin a good stick by biting it in half? Also, not to get too nitpicky, but San Jose is inland, so they don't have sharks, unless the shark is bursting up through the rink, which is just unrealistic and stupid." The San Jose Sharks were reportedly just as confused by the Blackhawks logo, failing to understand what a somewhat racist representation of a Native American had to do with hockey.
Apartment Building Super Swap #~# ABC
New Hank Aaron Biography Reveals He Hated Hitting Home Runs #~# NEW YORK—In a stunning revelation that has sent shockwaves through the baseball world, Howard Bryant's recently published biography, The Last Hero: The Life Of Henry Aaron, reports that the Hall of Fame slugger actually despised hitting home runs. "They felt disgusting. Revolting. That's why I put off hitting the record-breaking home run for so long," Aaron says in an interview that appears in a chapter titled "Chasing The Bambino." "Lifting up my head to track the ball through the sky gave me terrible migraines, and I actually despised hitting the sweet spot of the bat. You couldn't feel anything. Nothing, except complete and utter emptiness." In the book, Aaron also reveals that he loved to bunt, claiming that he never felt more alive than when he'd tap the ball with his bat and watch it roll several inches and stop.
Costner Tests Water-Cleaning Device In Gulf #~# A new kind of centrifuge that may be able to remove oil from water at rates of up to 200 gallons per minute has been financed by actor Kevin Costner and will be tested in an effort to clean up the BP oil spill. What do you think?
'Lost' Possibly Still Airing In Parallel Dimension, Desperate Fans Report #~# NEW YORK—Desperate fans of the recently concluded television series Lost are speculating that the program is continuing on in a parallel dimension somewhere, and that alternate versions of showrunners Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse are currently writing new episodes of the series. "It's very possible that a sideways world running concurrent to our own exists, and that a facsimile of myself is happy, fulfilled, and already gearing up for the season seven premiere of Lost," said 36-year-old Kevin Molinaro, who, along with more than 20 million other hopeless fans, has recently booked multiple roundtrip tickets from Los Angeles to Australia in hopes of traveling through a vortex in the space-time continuum. "I just have to find a way to get there. We all do." According to data from Google analytics, searches for "How to build/detonate/use a hydrogen bomb to open up a multidimensional wormhole" have increased 10 millionfold since the episode aired.
National Parks Closed For Annual Remajestification #~# WASHINGTON—With their current condition “marginally breathtaking at best,” America’s national parks will be closed this week for their exhaustive annual cleaning and remajestification, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Monday.
Deranged Gunman Opens Fire On Shooting Range #~# SAN ANTONIO—A man described by eyewitnesses as "unsettled" and "disturbed" walked into the local Guns Galore Shooting Range early Tuesday morning, paid for a half hour's worth of time, and then calmly opened fire on dozens of unsuspecting targets.
Nation Just Finding Out That Flyers Came Back From 3-0 Deficit By Reading This Right Now #~# BOSTON—The Philadelphia Flyers came back from three games down to defeat the Boston Bruins in their best-of-seven playoff series last week, a historic feat neither you nor the rest of the country knew about until reading this. "It feels amazing," Flyers goalie Michael Leighton said after his team, on the road for Game 7 and down by three goals, fought back to win, causing millions to drop their jaws, primarily because it was a stunning achievement, but also because they could not believe that this very moment is the first time they've heard anything about it. "The most recent team I can remember that did something this special was the 2004 Red Sox and [everyone and their mother knows about that, but don't forget, the Red Sox blew out the Yankees in Game 7 of the ALCS, and therefore this is actually more impressive]." When asked to respond to its newfound hockey knowledge, the nation seemed impressed, although it somehow felt it was not nearly as impressed as it should be.
Moving-Day Meals #~# FOOD
Food Allergies Overdiagnosed #~# A new report from the federal government shows that many people who think they have food allergies actually do not. What do you think?
LeBron's Next Team #~# In scant weeks, LeBron James will be the most desirable free agent in recent memory. Where will basketball's biggest catch choose to go?
Fluid Just Happy To Have Had Opportunity To Build Up In Kobe Bryant's Knee #~# LOS ANGELES—Calling the experience "a true honor" and "the opportunity of a lifetime," the infected synovial fluid recently drained from Kobe Bryant's right knee told reporters Monday that there is no other basketball player it would rather have accumulated in.
When You Get Older You Learn To Appreciate The Moments When You're Not Skittering Away #~# No roach's life is easy. The time a Periplaneta americana specimen such as myself is allotted on this earth is brief, yet how do we spend most of that time? In fear. We live our lives dreading the terrifying instant when that light is switched on and we must dart away if we wish to escape with our exoskeletons intact.
Nation's Bicyclists Remove Helmets For Head Injury Month #~# CHICAGO—In celebration of concussions, cerebral contusions, and other forms of blunt head trauma, bicyclists across the country removed their protective helmets Monday for National Head Injury Month. “It is an honor for me to commemorate this wonderful, wonderful month,” said NHIM organizer John Harris, who made the announcement while simultaneously riding his bike, blasting Danzig-era Misfits on his iPod, and veering wildly in and out of traffic. “It is an honor for me commemorate this wonderful, wonderful month.” Cyclists observe National Head Injury Month each May, immediately following their recognition in April of Flailing Uncontrollably Through the Air Month.
Microsoft Overhauling Hotmail #~# Software giant Microsoft is planning a significant upgrade to its web-based e-mail portal Hotmail. What do you think?
New Social Networking Site Changing The Way Oh, Christ, Forget It #~# Let Someone Else Report On This Bullshit
The Pill Turns 50 #~# This month marks the 50th anniversary of the U.S. government's approval of the birth control pill. Here are some of the ways the pill has helped change women's lives:
What To Talk About With Your Grandparents On The Phone #~# WEATHER
Local Child Has Run-Of-The-Mill Imagination #~# PORTLAND, OR—According to sources in his home and school, the inner fantasy life of 6-year-old Connor Haney is not at all unique or vibrant. "Standard imagination, really," his teacher Joan Pershing told reporters. "Today at recess he was playing policeman and 'catching a bad guy.' So basically, he was pretending he had a job. Not exactly what I'd call visionary." Connor's mother, Sharon, concurred, displaying a crayon drawing and saying, "Look at this picture he drew. Ooh, wow, our house. Gee, where'd he dream that up?"
YouTube Turns 5 #~# Video sharing website YouTube turned five on Monday. What do you think?
Report: Majority Of Government Doesn't Trust Citizens Either #~# WASHINGTON—At a time when widespread polling data suggests that a majority of the U.S. populace no longer trusts the federal government, a Pew Research Center report has found that the vast majority of the federal government doesn't trust the U.S. populace all that much either.
If We Don't Stop Childhood Obesity, Our Fat Toddlers Could Become Fat Fucks #~# Today, America is facing an unprecedented crisis, and what's at stake is nothing less than the health of our children, and with it, the future of our country. As long as I serve this nation as first lady, I will bring as much attention as possible to childhood obesity, because I truly believe that if we don't work together and devote more resources toward solving this problem, today's overweight toddlers will become tomorrow's fat fucks.
Historic Seat-Covering Tarp To Be Part Of New Marlins Stadium #~# MIAMI —In honor of the team's storied past, the Florida Marlins announced at a press conference Tuesday that their new stadium would prominently feature the seat-covering tarp that has remained a constant during their 18 years at Sun Life Stadium. "We can't imagine a Marlins game that isn't played in front of an unbroken sea of smooth, empty teal," team president David Samson said as a screen behind him displayed a computer-generated animation of the giant tarp being lowered onto 9,000 empty seats in a new stadium. "That old tarp has been gloriously unfurled for 18 opening days and two World Series, and we're not going to just abandon it. Besides, the new facility will have 37,000 seats, so I'm pretty sure we'll find a use for it." Samson assured fans the ballpark would also feature modern amenities such as sleeker, more modern tarps to cover the entire upper deck and the Marlins' dugout.
New Study Confirms Humans Only Use 10% Of Genitalia #~# BOSTON—A surprising new study published in The New England Journal Of Medicine this week has revealed that human beings only use 10 percent of their genitalia at any given time. "To think of all that we could accomplish if we just unlocked the remaining 90 percent," said Dr. Howard Schwartz, who contributed to the sex-organ capacity study. "Why, the back shaft alone could represent a vast reservoir of untapped potential. It's frightening, but we, as a species, have barely scratched the surface of our genitals." Schwartz maintained, however, that with enough time and late-night exploration, human beings could someday live up to "the promise of their junk."
Scientist Claims Aliens Hijacked Probe #~# A German scientist told the newspaper Bild that the reason transmissions from deep space probe Voyager 2 changed last month is because the craft has been taken over by aliens. What do you think?
Nuggets Tell Dying George Karl They Made NBA Finals #~# DENVER—During a visit to his coach's deathbed at Denver Presbyterian Hospital on Wednesday, Nuggets All-Star Carmelo Anthony told a barely conscious, cancer-ridden George Karl that their team, which was eliminated during the first round of the playoffs this year, had advanced to the NBA Finals and was currently up 3-0 on the Cleveland Cavaliers. "Everybody's playing great, Coach, and the defense you taught us is completely shutting down LeBron," a tearful Anthony reportedly told the weak and gasping Karl, who mustered enough strength to nod his head and smile at the news. "Doctors say you're going to get better soon so you can celebrate with us at the victory parade. It's going to be—Coach Karl? Coach Karl! Nurse!"
Please, Anyone, Come Do Something, Anything, With My House #~# TLC
National Dog Bite Prevention Week Begins #~# This week is National Dog Bite Prevention Week, which aims to reduce the 4.5 million dog bites that occur in the United States every year. What do you think?
Woman Constantly Treating Herself For Once #~# RICHMOND, VA—After making it through her 63rd consecutive longest week ever, project manager Maureen Peltier decided on Friday to once again† treat herself to the kind of pampering everybody needs to indulge in from time to time. "Why not? I deserve it," Peltier said of the past week's pedicure, trip to the spa, box of Godiva chocolates, and two glasses of chardonnay drunk during a lunch meeting. "There's nothing wrong with spoiling myself now and again." On the way home from the spa, Peltier who decided that she had earned the right to go off her diet just this once, pulled into a McDonald's, and ordered the usual.
Heckled Christian Rock Band Knows How Jesus Felt #~# COLUMBIA, MO—After walking off stage to a chorus of boos, threats, and obscenities, local Christian rock band Enter the Kingdom told reporters Friday that they now knew exactly how Jesus felt when he was persecuted.
Kevin Garnett Now Screaming Each Time Rajon Rondo Scores #~# BOSTON —Now that Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo has emerged as the team's leading postseason scorer, 33-year-old forward Kevin Garnett has taken to emitting his signature primal scream each time Rondo makes a basket. "I'm no longer able to contain myself when I pass it back out to him because I can't get through a double-team, or when he hits a three while I'm stumbling in the paint," Garnett told reporters after Rondo's 22-point performance Thursday, during which Garnett punctuated the point guard's behind-the-back fast-break assist by pounding Rondo's chest with his fist. "I think I feel it the most when I'm grinding under the basket and I flip up an off-balance shot that clangs off the front of the rim, and Rajon's there to rebound and lay it back all in one motion and I'm like, 'GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!'" Garnett also announced plans to engage in histrionics whenever Glen Davis does something in the interior that Garnett is no longer capable of doing.
New David Simon Project To Investigate Happy, Upper-Middle-Class Streets Of Wilmette, IL #~# NEW YORK—Speaking at an HBO press junket Monday, acclaimed writer-producer David Simon, creator of the gritty urban dramas The Wire and Treme, announced that his next project will be an epic, multilayered examination of the contented and comfortable streets of suburban Wilmette, IL.
Lawrence Taylor Asks Exactly Which 16-Year-Old Prostitute Reporters Are Talking About #~# NEW YORK—Hall of Fame Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor responded to allegations that he raped a minor by asking reporters at a press conference Monday to clarify which particular 16-year-old prostitute they were referring to, suggesting they provide her name and at least one physical characteristic. "I'm just not sure if you mean Brandy, Sherry, Susie, Angel, Carla, or Karla with a 'K'," Taylor said. "Is she blonde? That could possibly be Jen, Jennifer, or Andrea. You can't be talking about Candy, Lexie, or Jen, because they'd be at least in their 20s by now, or Sarah, because she's only 14." Taylor admitted that determining the identity of the underage girl would be difficult because most of the 16-year-old prostitutes he knew were dead.
Sequestered #~# ABC
Not Very Good Album Takes A Little While To Get Into #~# BROOKLYN, NY—After a number of close listenings, local resident Brian Mott was finally able to get into a music album that is really not very good at all, sources reported Tuesday. "At first, it was kind of hard to penetrate, but now that I've heard the whole thing like six or seven times, I'm really starting to dig it," said Mott, who decided to stick with the utterly unimpressive record, and not be put off by the fact that it was, by any account, underwhelming at best. "It's definitely not for everyone, that's for sure." According to sources, Mott then went back to enjoying the overall crappy album by staring straight ahead for 43 minutes and furrowing his brow in intense concentration.
Budget Deficit Hits Record #~# In the face of diminished government revenue, the federal budget deficit set a new record for the month of April. What do you think?
Features Of The New NASCAR Hall Of Fame #~# More than 60 years after the founding of NASCAR, stock-car racing has opened a $200 million Hall of Fame in Charlotte, NC. Here's what fans can expect:
David Ortiz Getting Paid $13 Million, By The Way #~# BOSTON—According to official MLB statistics available as of press time, struggling Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz is hitting only .200 and has tallied a paltry four home runs and 11 RBIs thus far in 2010. Sources close to the team noted that, just FYI, Ortiz is being paid $13 million per year to do nothing but hit.
All This Tea Party Talk Is Making Me Thirsty! #~# Hello, hello, loyal readers! Say, have you guys seen this new show on TV? The one with all the animals running around, screaming at one another, and generally causing a ruckus? No, it's not on Discovery Channel or Animal Planet. I'm talking about CNN! Holy Hannity, what a hubbub. I've never seen so many protests, debates, and filibusters in all my life….
Report: 23% Of Population Just Sort Of Like That #~# WASHINGTON—A recent poll from the Institute for Figuring People Out revealed Tuesday that nearly one quarter of the U.S. population is just sort of like that. A report on the findings stated that 23 percent of Americans are "a little off," and even if they don't get up in anyone's face or anything, you never know when they're going to be in one of those moods. Within this group of respondents, 64 percent were not all there, 31 percent couldn't be bothered, and God forbid you even talk to the other 5 percent without some kind of hassle. The study concluded that, while many people seem pretty out there, perhaps that's just the way they are, and moreover, what can you do?
U.K. Prime Minister Gordon Brown Resigns #~# The week after an inconclusive election result, Prime Minister Gordon Brown stepped aside and recommended Conservative leader David Cameron as his successor. What do you think?
Study Reveals Dolphins Lack Capacity To Mock Celebrity Culture #~# GALVESTON, TX—A study conducted by marine biologists at Texas A&M University has found that bottlenose dolphins, long thought to be among the most intelligent members of the animal kingdom, are "utterly incapable" of pointing out the flaws of celebrities and knocking them down a peg or two.
Angry A-Rod Man Pitches Perfect Game #~# OAKLAND—Twenty-six year old Oakland Athletics pitcher Angry A-Rod Man threw the 19th perfect game in Major League history Sunday, striking out six and retiring 27 out of 27 Tampa Bay Rays batters. The Angry A-Rod Man, known primarily for being angry at A-Rod (above), accomplished the feat in only 109 pitches, 77 of which were strikes. "I had good stuff today," said the Angry A-Rod Man, who joined his grandmother Angry A-Rod Grandmother after the game so they could be angry at A-Rod together. "It's just cool to know that everyone thinks of me as the man who threw a perfect game." When asked for comment, A-Rod wished the Angry A-Rod Man well.
Alternative Energy Projects #~# The U.S. Department of Interior just approved Cape Wind, the nation's first offshore wind farm, which will be built five miles from Cape Cod. Here are some of the other projects awaiting approval:
Cesar Milan Whisperer #~# NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC
Yankees Hat Purchased #~# WAYNE, NJ—Thirty-six-year-old Ian Althoff, a self-professed casual baseball fan, purchased a fitted New York Yankees baseball cap Monday for the retail price of $33.99. "I've been meaning to get a hat, so I thought I'd just go ahead and get a Yankees one," Althoff told reporters from inside a Lids store at the Willowbrook Mall in Wayne, NJ. "I like Derek Jeter. And [ex-Yankee Hideki] Matsui is good. The NY in the middle is pretty cool." Althoff's new Yankees hat is the 4,754,833,624,064th of its kind purchased since 1913.
Jupiter's Liberals Worried About Their Ammonia Footprint #~# GREAT RED SPOT, JUPITER—Alarmed by the growing quantities of harmful nitrides in their planet’s atmosphere, Jupiter’s liberals are encouraging their fellow sentient ammonia-helium tornado beings to take measures to reduce their ammonia footprint. “There are little things all of us can do to minimize our negative impact on our climate,” thought-pulsed a spokesman for the progressive advocacy group Jupiter Action Coalition. “Buy your gleemie at a local farmers market, unplug your zorksnax when you’re not using them, and remember the three Rs of environmental conservation: ryzzengak, rokklegorkensplark, and recycle.” Jovian conservatives, however, are reportedly decrying the ammonia reduction efforts as a waste of time, pointing to the fact that this past winter was a typical minus 135 degrees Celsius and that Jupiter’s so-called “climate change” is just a myth.
Barbara Walters To Have Heart Surgery #~# Eighty-year-old journalist and cohost of The View Barbara Walters is scheduled to have a heart valve replaced this week. What do you think?
EPA: Stubborn Environment Refusing To Meet Civilization Halfway #~# WASHINGTON—The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency called a press conference Monday to publicly denounce the environment for blatantly refusing to pull its weight in mankind's ongoing efforts at ecological conservation.
I'm In Alien Ant Farm For The Long Haul #~# It's 2001: The whole world is rocking out to the Alien Ant Farm groove. We just released our album ANThology, we're touring the globe, and people are going crazy for our hard-rock cover of Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal."
Prince Fielder Satisfies Curiosity By Eating Small Handful Of Dirt #~# MILWAUKEE—Saying that he has been wondering about its taste for quite some time, Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder was witnessed putting small clumps of infield dirt into his mouth during the fourth inning of Monday night's game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. "There was a little bit of time between warm-ups and the first batter, so I figured I'd finally give it a try," Fielder told reporters after the game, adding that because of dirt's brown coloring, he was curious if it would taste like chocolate. "It wasn't bad. Not great. But not bad." In the past, Fielder has been seen nibbling on his baseball glove, bat, and the Wrigley Field ivy.
Ridley Scott Trades Russell Crowe To Tim Burton For Johnny Depp #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Directors Ridley Scott and Tim Burton traded their favorite actors Wednesday, closing a deal in which Scott received Johnny Depp and Burton received Russell Crowe plus two guys from Black Hawk Down and a three-pack of watermelon Bubble Yum. "I'm going to cover his face in white powder and make him wear a purple fright wig and a Victorian frock coat with swirls all over it," said Burton, who unsuccessfully attempted to trade away an old Michael Keaton with whom he hardly ever plays anymore. "Russell Crowe's going to be the best misfit undertaker ever!" Scott, meanwhile, told reporters that he was just glad he got rid of a crappy action figure like Crowe and that he and Burton had definitely called no tradebacks.
Cancer Panel's Findings Under Fire #~# The American Cancer Society is criticizing a study from the President's Cancer Panel that suggests Americans are under constant threat from environmental carcinogens. What do you think?
Weeds #~# SHOWTIME
Phillies Bring In Bruise Specialist #~# PHILADELPHIA—Phillies manager Charlie Manuel announced Thursday that a bruise specialist from the Johns Hopkins Hospital's contusion trauma center was brought in to examine a third-degree boo-boo on outfielder Shane Victorino's thigh. "It's never easy to say this, but in my professional opinion, Shane is definitely suffering from a light bruise," said Dr. Anthony Walker, adding that Victorino was being held overnight in a Level 1 bruise unit for observation. "The bruise appears to be about 2 centimeters in diameter and will eventually produce a yellowish discoloration, which means it's healing. However, judging from Shane's threshold for pain, it's going to be a while before he can stand the weight of heavy fabric on his leg again." Said Victorino, "It hurts, it hurts."
Pep-Rally Skit Rumored To Involve Cross-Dressing Principal #~# BATAVIA, NY—A skit planned for the upcoming Batavia High School's homecoming pep rally is likely to include Principal James Hoary forgoing his well-known stoic demeanor and donning women's clothing, booster club sources reported Tuesday. "[Junior] Sarah Foster said she saw a blond wig and a really big [rival high school] Caledonia cheerleader's uniform in the principal's office, which is so hilariously inconsistent with his character," said sophomore Jill Mooney. "Plus, I heard Mr. Hoary has been practicing a dance routine in the gym every night after school. I really hope it's true. It will totally be the funniest thing ever." Principal Hoary refused to comment on the cross-dressing rumors, saying only "Go Bulldogs!"
Report: Tanning Beds Addictive #~# A study in the Archives Of Dermatology found that many people who regularly use indoor sunlamps meet the standard criteria for addiction. What do you think?
Exhausted Noam Chomsky Just Going To Try And Enjoy The Day For Once #~# LEXINGTON, MA—Describing himself as "terribly exhausted," famed linguist and political dissident Noam Chomsky said Monday that he was taking a break from combating the hegemony of the American imperialist machine to try and take it easy for once.
Hot Tub Time Machine #~# TBS
Star Basketball Player Admits He'd Rather Not Have Ball With Time Winding Down #~# BOSTON—During a postgame press conference Sunday, Celtics star Paul Pierce told reporters that he does not like having the ball in his hands with time on the clock winding down, saying that the chance to make a buzzer-beater with the game on the line is not what he lives for. "Oh God no, absolutely not," Pierce said when asked if the thought of coming through in the clutch scenario fuels his competitive fire. "When I first started playing basketball I never once dreamed of taking a last-second shot during any basketball game, not during the playoffs and certainly not during Game 7 of the NBA Finals. That's way too much pressure to put on any one individual. When it is do-or-die time, I would much rather pass the ball to one of my teammates and let that be on their head." In the event that he has to take a last-second shot, Pierce said that he doesn't mind when he misses, adding that he takes no satisfaction in quieting the other team's crowd.
Actress, Musician To Wed #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—The actress from the big hit movie and the musician from the popular band who have been photographed many times together out on the town are getting married, entertainment industry sources reported Monday.
LeBron James Speaks Out Against Terrible Conditions Of Referee Camps #~# CLEVELAND—Cavaliers forward LeBron James railed against the harsh conditions of referee camps in the developing world Wednesday, calling attention to the plight of millions of referees worldwide who flee oppression and the threat of violence only to live without access to adequate food, water, or basketball facilities. "Sadly, thousands of referees are forced to live in unhygienic and crowded tents, unable to return to their home courts," James told reporters, adding that many referees lacked proper officiating equipment and their uniforms were in rags. "I don't always agree with the referees, but no one should have to live like that. Unfortunately for many, their whistles remain unheard, and numerous double dribbles and over-and-back violations are going unpunished." James, who called the situation "unsportsmanlike," has reportedly pledged $2 million to provide much needed shot clocks and urged NBA coaches to draw up a play to save the referees.
Excited Firefighters Point Out Kid On Tricycle #~# CHICAGO—Firefighters at the 111th Ladder Company stared in wide-eyed wonder Monday as local 3-year-old Jeffrey Sturges quickly pedaled past their station house on his bright red tricycle. "Tricycle!" shouted Fire Chief Robert Clark, who, along with his crew, pressed his face against the station window and waved excitedly as the three-wheeled vehicle made its way down the street. "Hi! Hello! Hi!" Unable to contain its enthusiasm, the entire first unit then suited up, jumped inside their fire truck, and followed Sturges down the block in hopes of hearing him ring his tricycle's bell.
Early Marijuana Use Increases Psychosis Risk #~# A study by the Queensland Brain Institute in Australia showed that young adults who had smoked marijuana for at least six years were twice as likely to suffer delusions, hallucinations, or psychotic episodes. What do you think?
The 'Sports Illustrated' Cover Jinx #~# For decades it's been assumed that making the cover of Sports Illustrated equals bad luck. Evidence indicates this may in fact be the case.
Russell Athletic Sheepishly Introduces New Cup #~# BOWLING GREEN, KY—Claiming that "today's more active athlete needs better protection for his, well, come on, you know," sports equipment manufacturer Russell Athletic debuted its new line of protective cups and athletic supporters Monday.
Mothering Frights #~# Every Jeanketeer worth his or her low-sodium salt substitute (!!) knows that Christmas is my very favorite holiday, with Valentine's Day a close second. Know what my third-favorite is? It's every second Sunday in May, when mothers, moms, mamas, and mommies alike are honored with their very own special day!
Report: All The Good Stuff Costs, Like, 200 Bucks #~# WASHINGTON—A Commerce Department report released Wednesday found that while there is stuff out there for 150 and even 100 bucks, any of the good stuff is going to run you 200 bucks, easy. "This report demonstrates that if you want something really cool that will last more than a year, it's going to cost you," Commerce Secretary Gary Locke said. "But our findings suggest that—while no one's got 200 bucks just lying around—if you buy the more expensive stuff, it'll be worth it in the long run." The report also warned that by 2015 the good stuff might actually set you back 300 bucks, if you can believe that.
Depression Sufferers Smoke More #~# A new study reveals that 43 percent of adults who suffer from depression smoke, and that depressed people are less inclined to quit than other smokers. What do you think?
New Law Forces CEOs To Humbly Shrug Before Receiving Massive Bonuses #~# WASHINGTON—Securities and Exchange Commission officials are calling it the strictest regulatory reform since the Great Depression: CEOs of major financial institutions will now be required to humbly shrug and smile sheepishly before accepting huge salary bonuses.
The Case Against Goldman Sachs #~# The Securities and Exchange Commission's lawsuit against Goldman Sachs is revealing a cavalier culture in which the firm invested recklessly and bet against its own clients. Here are some of the company's questionable practices:
PNC Park Sold Out For 'Fan Euthanasia Night' #~# PITTSBURGH—PNC Park boasted a rare sellout crowd Tuesday when more than 38,000 eager Pirates fans showed up for "Fan Euthanasia Night," during which each attendee was guaranteed "the sweet release of a quick and painless death" courtesy of sponsor PepsiCo. "For a diehard Pirates fan who has been following this team for nearly 20 consecutive losing seasons, or really just anyone who watched them get beat 20-0 by the Brewers last week, this is certainly a well-deserved treat," said 46-year-old Jim Martin, walking through the turnstile to receive his souvenir program and his lethal dose of sodium thiopental. "I haven't seen so many people so relaxed and generally happy to be at a Pirates game in a long time." An estimated 200,000 Pirates fans who were unable to get tickets to the game reportedly listened to its radio broadcast while idling their cars inside closed garages.
Priest Religious, But Not Really Spiritual #~# BOSTON—Father Clancy Donahue of St. Michael Catholic Church told reporters Wednesday that while he believed in blindly adhering to the dogma and ceremonies of his faith, he tried not to get too bogged down by actual spirituality. “I’m not so much into having a relationship with God as I am into mechanically conducting various rituals,” Donahue said. “To me, it just feels empty to contemplate a higher power without blindly obeying canon law and protecting the church as an institution.” Donahue emphasized that although he did not personally agree with those who pondered the eternal, he had nothing against them.
Women To Serve On Submarines #~# Sixteen years after the Navy began allowing women to serve on surface ships, the U.S. military has decreed that women will serve on submarines by 2012. What do you think?
Cookin' With Bread #~# FOOD
Supreme Court Upholds Freedom Of Speech In Obscenity-Filled Ruling #~# WASHINGTON—In a decisive and vulgar 7-2 ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court once again upheld the constitution's First Amendment this week, calling the freedom of expression among the most "inalienable and important rights that a motherfucker can have."
You Can Fire My Body, But My Soul Will Remain At Chesterfield Mutual #~# And so it ends.
Tony Gwynn Mentioned 72 Times During Guided Tour Of Padres Stadium #~# SAN DIEGO—Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn's name was uttered 72 times and indirectly referenced on another 36 instances during a guided tour of Petco Park, sources reported Tuesday. "There's Tony Gwynn's No. 19 over the center field wall there, and beyond that is the picnic area where countless Padre fans have chanted Tony Gwynn's name or at least thought about Tony Gwynn," said tour guide Hank Classon, adding that Tony Gwynn would have patrolled right field in Petco Park had he not retired three years before it opened. "Our groundskeepers always keeps the pitcher's mound pristine, since that's where we wish to have Padres great Tony Gwynn throw out the first pitch of all our future games. Look, everyone, there's manager Bud Black! Yes, I wish he were Tony Gwynn." Current Padres slugger Adrian Gonzalez was mentioned zero times.
Stuffed-Up Congress Allocates $250 Million To Destroy Pollen #~# WASHINGTON—Sending a strong message that airborne spores would no longer be tolerated in America's trees, weeds, or grass, members of the itchy and runny-nosed U.S. Congress pledged Tuesday to spend $250 million wiping out pollen for good. "We can no longer sit idly by while the nation's flora releases billions of microscopic granules into the air," announced House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD), who then rubbed his eyes and violently sneezed four times in a row. "We must act preemptively to…[violent hacking noise from back of throat]. Jesus Christ, it's every year with these things!" Insiders expect the measure to face an uphill battle in the Senate, where a rapidly swelling Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) vowed to block any bill that didn't include a provision to also eradicate shellfish.
Taliban Claim Dud Bomb #~# The Pakistani Taliban claimed responsibility on an Islamist website for a car bomb that failed to detonate in Times Square this weekend. What do you think?
Actual Science #~# DISC
Utah Fans Concerned As Jazz Break Huddle By Shouting 'Kill The Mormons' #~# SALT LAKE CITY—An uneasy sense of anxiety overtook the crowd at EnergySolutions Arena Sunday as fans watched a pumped-up Jazz team break their pregame huddle by chanting, "One, two, three—kill the Mormons!" "Normally this team is pretty even-keeled, but tonight they're really scaring me," said season ticket holder Delton Stanger, who was terrified by the team's cheers of "Die, Mormons, die" and "We're coming for you, Mormons." "I just don't understand why all my favorite players want to kill us and why it's inspiring them to play with such passion." Utah fans were reportedly appalled when head coach Jerry Sloan used a dry-erase board to diagram how to find the Mormons, round them up, and kill them, but admitted their anger was tempered by the team's resultant 15-0 run.
Thomas Jefferson Impersonator Reenacts Famous Cell Phone Shouting Match With Wife #~# PHILADELPHIA—Pacing angrily behind Independence Hall, historical actor and Thomas Jefferson impersonator Tim Blodgett, 48, loudly reenacted the legendary cell phone shouting match between the nation's third president and his wife, sources reported Thursday. "For Christ's sake, Sheila, how many times do we have to go over this," hissed Blodgett, vividly bringing to life the historic scene exactly as it might have occurred more than 200 years ago. "Just tell your mother to call Time Warner and have someone come over and set up the goddamn box already. No, absolutely not—I'll be home when I'm home." After cursing beneath his breath, Blodgett painstakingly reenacted the time Thomas Jefferson got into his Honda Civic, drove to a nearby Bennigan's, and got "blackout drunk" with his buddy Mitch.
Katie Holmes To Play Jackie Kennedy #~# Actress Katie Holmes will portray former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy in a TV miniseries about the life of John F. Kennedy. What do you think?
Nerf Develops New Line Of Biological Weapons #~# PAWTUCKET, RI—Nerf, the popular toy manufacturer, announced Tuesday that it was introducing a new line of foam-based biological weapons capable of causing "massive outbreaks of fun."
Earthquake Camera #~# DISC
NCAA Tournament Expands To However Many Teams Honestly Feel They Should Be In NCAA Tournament #~# INDIANAPOLIS—The NCAA Board of Directors made the decision Wednesday to expand its men's basketball tournament to however many teams "really and truly believe" they ought to be involved. "Who are we to bar a school from the Big Dance if they just know in their heart of hearts that they deserve a shot?" said NCAA interim president Jim Isch, adding that the maximum number of teams permitted would only be limited by the number of schools that believe in themselves. "Of course, for any team out there that wants to be in the tournament but doesn't quite think it deserves it, I say go ahead and put your name on the list anyway. Seriously, what's one more team?" Immediately following the announcement, all 342 Division I schools signed up for the 2011 tournament except Loyola Marymount.
Geologists: 'We May Be Slowly Running Out Of Rocks' #~# RALEIGH, NC—A coalition of geologists are challenging the way we look at global stone reserves, claiming that, unless smarter methods of preservation are developed, mankind will eventually run out of rocks.
Independence Day Celebrated #~# This Fourth of July marks the 234th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of independence. What do you think?
Unemployed Face Job Discrimination #~# More and more companies are requiring job applicants to already have a job. What do you think?
Cartoon Pitchmen Remarkably Effective #~# In a recent study, 50 percent of children said that food from packages adorned with one of their favorite cartoon characters, like Dora the Explorer or SpongeBob SquarePants, tasted better than identical food from a plain package. What do you think?
Stock Footage Variety Hour #~# ABC
Pirates Sign Guy Who Successfully Jogged Across Street #~# PITTSBURGH—The Pittsburgh Pirates signed Greensburg, PA resident Clark Goldwater Monday after a team scout witnessed the 36-year-old fan run across a street near PNC Park, hand a set of keys to a friend, and maintain a steady clip on his way back to the parking lot to continue tailgating. "We've been looking for a guy with this kind of ability for a long time," said Pirates manager John Russell, adding that Goldwater will start in left field for the Triple-A Indianapolis Indians Thursday. "And hearing that he only needed two strides to cross over the grass median strip tells me he might be able to stretch out a double. Players like that don't come around every day in Pittsburgh." Team officials are hopeful this decision will work out as well as their 2003 signing of starting pitcher Paul Maholm, whom they acquired after seeing Maholm accurately toss a used tissue into the garbage.
Senior Getting Great Funeral Ideas From Friends #~# TAMPA, FL—As he nears his 83rd birthday next month, local man Robert Lech told reporters that attending dozens of funerals over the past several years has given him "tons of great ideas" for his own memorial service, and has really opened his eyes to what a funeral can be.
NHL Loses Rights To NHL.com, Moves Website To NHLHockeySports.com #~# NEW YORK—In a disappointing coda to one of its most thrilling seasons in years, the NHL lost its longstanding Internet domain last week when executives failed to pay the renewal fee for NHL.com, allowing 18-year-old California resident Fredrick Westfield to purchase the URL for $10.69. "While our online situation is not ideal, our fans will still be able to get all the latest breaking hockey news they crave at NHLHockeySports.com," Commissioner Gary Bettman said of the domain his league will use unless Westfield lowers his NHL.com asking price from the "exorbitant sum" of $2,000 to something more reasonable. "Fans can still be friends with the NHL on Facebook and MySpace, where we post tons of great stuff like photos, videos, scores, and poll questions." Bettman later admitted that he wasn't sure how the problem was overlooked nine months ago when the league was forced to upgrade from its previous Yahoo! GeoCities hosting platform.
'True Blood' Renewed #~# HBO announced that it is renewing the vampire drama True Blood for a fourth season. What do you think?
Unwritten Rules Of Baseball #~# Baseball is a sport rich in tradition, and many of its most sacred rules and practices are passed from player to player. Onion Sports lists the most revered of baseball's unwritten rules:
Manny Embarks On Journey To Find Legendary Realm Of Batlantis #~# LOS ANGELES—In his ongoing quest to find the finest and most powerful baseball bat ever crafted, Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez embarked on an epic voyage Tuesday to search for the legendary underwater kingdom of Batlantis.
Hot Pursuit #~# truTV
No Size-36 Pants Can Contain Me #~# What do we have here? Another cocksure contender who thinks he can get a leg up on the master? Well, come and give it your best shot, old boy, but be warned: History is strewn thick with the remains of size-36 pants who thought they could contain ol' Dennis Puttkamer.
Nation's Boyfriends Dreading 'Free Event In The Park' Season #~# NISKAYUNA, NY—With summer officially beginning this week, the nation's boyfriends groaned Thursday in anticipation of yet another "Free Event in the Park" season. "Kelly already wants us to go see some Brazilian horn player and these people who use puppets to make fun of politicians. I'm sure they're fine, but we just got AC this summer," said Jason Evans, a boyfriend. "Plus, we go out all the time." A spokesperson for the nation's girlfriends countered that it would be a shame not to take advantage of the tons of cool-sounding cost-free events, which include a craft fair, an outdoor screening of The Wizard Of Oz, and the appearance of a modestly successful mid-90s alternative band at the Tulip Festival.
Lady Gaga Not Banned From Yankees #~# After an incident in which Yankees co-chairman Hal Steinbrenner announced Lady Gaga would be barred from the New York Yankees clubhouse, GM Brian Cashman said that this was not the case. What do you think?
CIA Declassifies Thousands Of Black-Ops 'Humor In Uniform' Jokes #~# CHAPPAQUA, NY—After more than 60 years of redacting classified but amusing anecdotes from Reader's Digest's popular Humor in Uniform section, the CIA announced Monday that the full text of thousands of previously censored jokes will now be made available to the public.
What's Going On In South Carolina? #~# Between the sex scandal that crippled Gov. Mark Sanford, the questionable candidacy of Democratic Senate primary winner and accused criminal Alvin Green, and the rumors of infidelity surrounding Republican gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley, South Carolina has seen a great deal of political upheaval. Here are some of the beleaguered state's lesser-known scandals:
Speculation About Where LeBron Will Play Could End When He Signs Contract #~# BRISTOL, CT—According to NBA analysts, speculation about where LeBron James might play next season could end when the Cavaliers MVP signs a contract with a professional basketball team. "When he agrees to play for a new team and has an introductory press conference with them—or when he re-signs with Cleveland—that's when I think we'll have a better idea which way LeBron is leaning," ESPN analyst Jalen Rose said during Tuesday's edition of SportsCenter, adding that a good indicator as to where James' head is at might come in late October, when James will be wearing a basketball uniform for the season opener. "Ten games into the regular season, if LeBron James is a New Jersey Net, I think at that point we can effectively eliminate Chicago or Cleveland, but I wouldn't rule out the Los Angeles Clippers. At any rate, by the 2011 All-Star break the picture should become, if not 100 percent clear, a lot less hazy." Rose suggested the guessing game over where LeBron will play next season may not end until he is enshrined in the Basketball Hall of Fame.
Increasing Number Of Americans Unable To Point Out Map #~# WASHINGTON—-An alarming new study released Tuesday by the Department of Education found that nearly 70 percent of Americans are incapable of pointing out a map when presented by researchers with a map. "Not only did a majority of people just stare blankly ahead, but nearly half pointed to nearby desk lamps in their attempts to guess correctly," said Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, who called the findings endemic of the nation's failing school system. "In fact, 14 percent of all Americans claimed they had never 'even heard of no map,' and asked if being prompted to locate one was some kind of trick question." According to Duncan, the Department of Education has suspended all further studies and will instead be spending the next six months just screaming into a pillow.
World Snake Population Drops #~# A study of 17 snake populations worldwide showed that the number of snakes had fallen dramatically in 11 of those populations since the late 1990s. What do you think?
Obama's Weekly Video Addresses Becoming Increasingly Avant-Garde #~# WASHINGTON—Hailed as a sign of renewed government transparency when they began airing last year, President Barack Obama's weekly video addresses have grown increasingly experimental in recent weeks, raising eyebrows nationwide.
Jeopardy! #~# ABC
My Old Nemesis...So We Meet Again #~# Aha. There was indeed an explanation for shipboard oxygen consumption exceeding projections by a fraction of a percent: It seems a parasite has stowed away upon my Royal luxury vessel! Bring forth the miserable slime, that I may look him in the face as I sentence him to a slow and exceedingly painful demise. And make haste!
Vikings Not Going To Tinker With Way Adrian Peterson Fumbles Ball #~# MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to preserve the running back's aggressive fumbling style, Vikings coach Brad Childress announced Monday that the training staff would not attempt to alter Adrian Peterson's two-point technique for loosely carrying the football. "When you have a great natural fumbler like Adrian Peterson, you don't want to mess with that," Childress said. "That's just raw talent right there. Nobody can expose the ball exactly the way he does. You can't teach that." Peterson has reportedly spent the off-season working with NFL veterans Warren Moon and Dave Krieg to improve his dropping mechanics.
Experts Say Breakfast Now Sixth Most Important Meal Of The Day #~# WASHINGTON—A new report from the Food and Drug Administration has found that breakfast, once considered the most important meal of the day, has now slipped to sixth place, below brunch and just above midnight snack. “Significant gains by lunch and dessert badly damaged breakfast’s standing in the late 1990s,” culinary analyst Myron Jeffries said. “Add to that the blockbuster debut of second-breakfast in 2007 and a renewed interest in leftover-pizza pre-lunch, and breakfast is in a downward spiral it may never recover from. Especially considering the popularity of super-brunch.” The makers of Eggo frozen waffles reportedly expressed no concern at the news, as waffle-dinner is still holding strong at No. 3.
Amanda Bynes Retires At 24 #~# Actress Amanda Bynes, star of such films as She's The Man, announced on her Twitter feed that she would retire from acting. What do you think?
What Kind Of God Would Do This To Me? #~# TLC
'Totally Worth It,' Claims Grown Man Limping Off Softball Field #~# VERONA, WI—Though he knew before his office's team took the field that his aging, out-of-shape body was at risk of physical injury, limping Affiliated Bank loan and trust officer Robert Newson, 48, told reporters Sunday that a muscle-pull, combined with a possible severe knee injury, was "totally worth" the four innings of softball he played prior to removing himself from the game. "Absolutely, 100 percent worth it," said Newson, who refused to accept his physical limitations during the game by trying to stretch singles into doubles and throwing himself to the dirt to chase moderately fast ground balls. "Completely worth it, no question. Grace? I think we might have to go to the hospital after all." Newson later claimed it was the most worthwhile injury he had suffered since his crippling chest pains in last year's game against the Bank of Cross Plains.
Elena Kagan Asked Straight Up: 'You Got What It Takes?' #~# WASHINGTON—Saying they didn't want to waste any more time dicking around, members of the U.S. Senate began Elena Kagan's Supreme Court confirmation hearing Monday by asking the solicitor general point-blank if she had the goods to join the nation's highest court. "I got your master's thesis in front of me, I got some speeches you made while you were the dean of Harvard Law School, but Kagan, let's cut the shit: You gonna be able to bring it or not?" Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) asked the former Clinton policy adviser. "Because the American people deserve a justice who won't crumble like a cupcake and run home to mommy when Second-Amendment-ruling time comes around." After indicating that she was "fucking born ready," Kagan was confirmed in a unanimous 100-0 vote.
Poll: More Muslims Distrust Obama #~# A survey from the Pew Research Center found President Obama's popularity was slipping among Muslims worldwide. What do you think?
Eons Of Darwinian Evolution Somehow Produce Mitch #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—The process of evolution, through which single-celled organisms slowly developed over billions of years into exponentially more sophisticated forms of life, has inexplicably culminated in local Albuquerque resident Mitch Szabo, leading evolutionary biologists reported Monday.
Scavengerman #~# DISC
Phil Mickelson Reluctantly Uses Golf Club Kids Made For Father's Day Present #~# PEBBLE BEACH, CA—In an effort to show appreciation for his Father’s Day gift, Phil Mickelson, participating in the final round of the U.S. Open Sunday, reluctantly used a pitching wedge his three children created from a cardboard tube, construction paper, a shoe box, and masking tape. “Oh, boy. I’m never going to get all the glitter out of my golf bag,” Mickelson was overheard saying as he stared down a 135-yard shot to the No. 1 green, his children eagerly looking on. “This is going to be a long day.” Mickelson then examined the pitching wedge’s yarn grip and the grooves drawn on the clubface in magic marker, sighed, set up to the ball, and proceeded to make a 47 on the hole.
Suffering Blue Whales Plead With Environmentalists To Let Them Go Extinct Already #~# NORTH PACIFIC OCEAN—Claiming that their miserable lives had become too depressing to endure, the world's remaining blue whales surfaced Monday and desperately pleaded with environmentalists to immediately cease all conservation efforts so the species could "just be done with it and finally go extinct."
Tiger Woods Begins Sobbing Uncontrollably On 5th Hole Of U.S. Open #~# PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Overcome by problems in his personal life, an inability to get his golf game in order, and his foundering public image, Tiger Woods broke out into uncontrollable sobs on the fifth tee of the U.S. Open yesterday. "He took his practice swing, stood behind the ball to line up his shot, and then just lost it," said playing partner Lee Westwood, adding that Woods' sobs were punctuated with high-pitched yells of "What the hell is going on with my life?" "Oh God, oh God, oh God," and "What are you all staring at?" "At one point Tiger wiped away his tears with his golf glove, and then got really upset because he got his golf glove wet. He mumbled something like, 'You fucked up again, Tiger. You fucked up again.'" Four minutes into Woods' breakdown, playing partner Ernie Els also began sobbing for reasons that still remain unclear.
Asteroid Probe Returns To Earth #~# A Japanese spacecraft deployed to an asteroid seven years ago returned home on Sunday, possibly carrying the first extraterrestrial rock sample since the moon landings. What do you think?
USC's Rules Violations #~# The NCAA says Reggie Bush took cash while playing for the Trojans, but that was hardly the only thing that came to light during its investigation of USC:
True Blood #~# HBO
South African Vuvuzela Philharmonic Angered By Soccer Games Breaking Out During Concerts #~# JOHANNESBURG—Members of the South Africa Vuvuzela Philharmonic Orchestra, widely considered to be among the best large-scale monotonic wind instrument ensembles in the world, told reporters Friday they were furious over the recent outbreaks of international soccer matches during their traditional outdoor concerts.
I Tell Ya, Until I've Had My Morning Coffee, I Am Just A Rapist #~# If you're anything like me, mornings are the worst. Dragging my sorry bottom out of bed is about the hardest thing in the world, and once I do stumble downstairs, I'm already dreaming about getting back under the covers. I'm groggy, I'm cranky, and, until I get that first precious sip of piping hot coffee, I'm a total rapist.
'Annie' Ends Print Run #~# On Sunday, after 86 years in print, comics page mainstay Annie—a strip about a little redheaded orphan and her dog Sandy—ran in newspapers for the last time. What do you think?
There, Like, 6 Cop Cars Outside #~# CHICAGO—According to sources huddled by the window, there are currently, like, six or seven cop cars parked right outside that building across the street over there. The cop cars, which reportedly have their lights on and everything and are definitely there in response to some crazy shit that must have gone down, arrived at approximately 11:37 p.m. While many details remain unclear, especially with Josh refusing to move and pretty much blocking everyone else's view, sources claim the cop cars are either investigating a major apartment theft thing, totally busting someone—probably the weird dude with a beard—for drugs, or maybe it's murder, man, do you think it could be murder?
Nation Agrees Latest Heineken Commercial Is Coolest Thing Ever #~# 'Oh My God, We All Have To Go Get Heinekens Now,' Populace Says
Obama's College Apartment On The Market #~# The New York apartment President Barack Obama inhabited while he was a student at Columbia University is available for rent at $1,900 a month. Here are some other pieces of Obama's past you can buy or rent:
Cubs Organ Player Getting Into Heavier, Darker Stuff #~# CHICAGO—Over the past several weeks, longtime Cubs organist Gary Pressy has gradually stopped playing the light ballpark-organ riffs that typically fill Wrigley Field's stands in favor of more broody, chilling songs. "I have to say that lately the sounds coming out of that organ have made me anxious and sad and in no mood to clap along," said season-ticket holder Mike Preston, adding that instead of playing "Hava Nagila" or using his organ to start a "Let's Go Cubs" chant, Pressy will strike an oppressive minor chord and sustain the unsettling tone for up to an entire minute. "Yesterday he played a really slow fugue on 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game' in this dark, funereal key. It was haunting." When asked for comment, Pressy drove reporters away by playing a demented arrangement of "Happy Birthday" on his newly installed 20,000-pipe, seven-story-tall organ.
Area Grandmother Comes Forward As 'Banksy' #~# LONDON—At a press conference Tuesday, 89-year-old Rose Biggin, a grandmother from the Camden Town neighborhood of North London, announced that she was in fact the internationally renowned graffiti artist known only as Banksy. "Those drawings? Oh, yes, those are mine," said the diminutive octogenarian, who admitted to scaling buildings and climbing fences in order to put up life-sized stenciled images that satirize modern society's mores and its inherent political power structures. "It sure does help to pass the time." Biggin then returned home, where along with some of her "dearest friends," she sipped tea, sampled some nice ginger cake, and planned the necessary destruction of dominant capitalist paradigms.
Vast Mineral Resources Found In Afghanistan #~# The United States has discovered nearly $1 trillion in mineral deposits, including copper, iron, and lithium, in Afghanistan. What do you think?
If Certain Animals Could Attack #~# FOX
CDC Officials Announce Free Ice Cream For Everyone, Delicious Tasty Ice Cream, And Also There Is An Ebola Outbreak #~# ATLANTA—In a sudden, unscheduled announcement Tuesday, officials from the Centers for Disease Control revealed that they were giving away free ice cream, had enough of the frozen dessert for everyone, and that, by the way, there had also been an outbreak of the deadly Ebola virus in the United States.
Stand Back, I Think I Know CPR #~# Out of my way. Let me through. Please, let me through!
Rookie Strasburg Begins Hazing Nationals Veterans #~# WASHINGTON—Though Nationals rookie Stephen Strasburg has only played in two major league games, the right-handed phenom has asserted his dominance in the clubhouse by hazing his veteran teammates, eyebrow-lacking sources confirmed Thursday. "He took my jockstrap and put Icy Hot around the edges of it," said Nationals pitcher and 15-year veteran Livan Hernandez, adding that the rookie had made the team run naked from the Capitol Building to the Washington Monument the previous night. "If we get mad at the hazing, he slaps your stomach really hard in the shower. And then your stomach gets all red." At press time, Strasburg was psyching out his teammates by sitting at his locker with a demented smile on his face while turning an electric hair clipper on and off.
New Pixar Employees Required To Watch Adorable Sexual Harassment Video #~# EMERYVILLE, CA—According to sources within Pixar Studios, all new employees were required Monday to view an adorable eight-minute animated short about sexual harassment that featured Luxo, the company's iconic hopping desk lamp, and a slinking mustachioed glove known as Fingers. "Through the delightful misadventures of Fingers, our employees learn what types of behavior are and are not acceptable in the workplace," said human resources administrator Lydia Price, referring to a scene in which Fingers rubs up against Luxo, repeatedly flicks her light switch on and off, and cups her bulb inappropriately. "And thanks to Pixar's stunning visuals and heartwarming storylines, our sexual harassment film can be enjoyed by adults and children alike." While most new hires gave the video a positive review, they were less enthusiastic about the company's 401(k)-allocation buddy film, Matchy & Roth.
South Carolina Senate Candidate Refuses To Drop Out #~# Democratic candidate Alvin Greene is refusing to drop out of the South Carolina’s U.S. Senate race despite having been charged with a felony for showing a college student pornographic materials. What do you think?
Mythmakers #~# DISC
Nike, Adidas Favorites In World Cup Final #~# JOHANNESBURG—As the first round of World Cup matches conclude, analysts have said that despite several dramatic and valiant displays from underdogs, traditional soccer juggernauts Nike and Adidas are still the favorites to reach the World Cup final. "While we've seen plucky performances from the Umbro and Puma platoons, they just don't have the depth or strength to reach the final rounds," said Hartmut Zastrow, executive director of the research firm Sport+Markt. "And while I personally admire fan favorite Le Coq Sportif, it's doubtful you'll see much of them after the first week." At press time Adidas was defending well and appeared to have a slight edge in terms of brand awareness, but Nike was making gains and pushing aggressively.
'Minotaurs The New Vampires' Says Publishing Executive Desperate To Find New Vampires #~# NEW YORK—In a desperate effort to find a trendy new fantasy subgenre to succeed the ebbing vampire craze, Razorbill Books executive Graham Childress decided this week to throw all his professional weight behind a new series of novels featuring minotaurs, the bull-headed, human-bodied creatures of ancient Greek mythology. "Everywhere I go, I hear people talking about minotaurs," Childress said at a publishing conference, frantically trying to drum up enthusiasm for the planned trilogy about a bad-boy minotaur who transfers to a new high school and eventually falls for the one girl who can see the pain and sensitivity behind his brooding exterior. "Plus, labyrinths are really hot right now." The first installment of Razorbill's minotaur series is slated to hit shelves on Dec. 14, the same date three rival publishers will release novels featuring a bad-boy mummy, a bad-boy cyclops, and a bad-boy Mayan vision serpent.
'A-Team' Opens At No. 2 #~# The big-budget, multi-writer remake of the ’80s TV series The A-Team opened in the No. 2 spot at the box office this weekend. What do you think?
Candidate May Have Lied About Heroic Death In Vietnam #~# MONTGOMERY, AL—In a major scandal that could cast doubt on his political future, U.S. Senate candidate Chris Wilfred came under fire this week for comments he made alleging he had died heroically while fighting in the Vietnam War.
Somali Pirates Make Off With Moses Mabhida Stadium #~# DURBAN, SOUTH AFRICA—Several World Cup matches will be rescheduled following the Friday afternoon theft of Moses Mabhida Stadium by Somali pirates, who used chains attached to a makeshift flotilla of armed skiffs to tow the arena through Durban Bay and out into the Indian Ocean during opening ceremonies. "Our officers were taken completely by surprise," said South African national police commissioner Bheki Cele, adding that by the time law enforcement officers heard the building's steel girders scraping across the highway's asphalt it was far too late to rescue the 800,000-ton sports facility. "One minute the stadium was hosting Durban's opening festivities, and the next there was only an empty parking lot and the fading sound of 50,000 vuvuzela horns as the structure disappeared over the horizon." The pirates have yet to issue ransom demands, leading to police speculation that they may have already been overwhelmed and shot by combat-hardened, heavily armed soccer fans.
Seashells Transform Suburban Bathroom Into Tropical Hideaway #~# WOODMERE, OH—-A wicker basket filled with seashells and placed on top of a toilet tank has magically transformed Dale and Paula Watson's suburban bathroom into a serene tropical oasis, sources reported Thursday.
Big Cats Lured By Obsession #~# In studying the amount of time two cheetahs interacted with different colognes, the general curator of the Bronx Zoo found that the cats showed a preference for Calvin Klein's Obsession for Men. What do you think?
Most Thrilling Playoffs In Recent Memory Unfortunately Happen In Hockey #~# PHILADELPHIA—The most riveting, nail-biting, and story-laden playoff series in the past several years of professional sports had the misfortune of reaching its amazing overtime finish in the sport of hockey Wednesday night, as the Blackhawks defeated the Flyers to win the NHL's championship series 4-2. "To see a team that was 14th out of 15 teams in its conference a few months ago not only make the playoffs, but advance to the final by coming back from three games down, was really a shame," said ESPN's Bill Simmons, who spent the evening preparing for Thursday's Lakers-Celtics game and did not watch the hockey finals. "And when the barnstorming Chicago team hoisted that trophy, ending its championship drought with an overtime win on the road, I felt sick to my stomach that it wasn't the Cubs and the World Series trophy." The NHL playoffs also saw Montreal goalie Jaroslav Halak stop 131 of 134 scoring attempts over three games in a superhuman defensive effort that was tragically not put forth by the Baltimore Ravens.
Physicist Brings In Particle From Home He's Been Meaning To Accelerate #~# BATAVIA, IL—Hoping to use his office's high-energy synchrotron particle accelerator for a "real quick" personal project, physicist Neil Lippmann reportedly brought in a proton from home Wednesday that he had been meaning to collide against a fixed nickel target at near light speed. "I know we're not supposed to accelerate personal particles on company equipment, but [Nobel laureate] Leon [Lederman] brings in his own subatomic matter all the time and nobody says anything," Lippmann said. "Plus, I'll do it after five, so it's not even on company time." To assuage any further guilt over the workplace rule infraction, Lippmann promised to clean all the leptons out of the accelerator's ion trap and leave the Van de Graaf generator looking just like new.
2010 World Cup Teams To Watch #~# While Brazil and Argentina seem to grab all the attention, the field is as interesting as it is deep. Onion Sports points out the keys for each national side.
The Onion Sports Introduction To World Cup Soccer #~# The 2010 FIFA World Cup is underway and millions have been swept up in an unfamiliar sport. Because there's so much more to the game than not using one's hands, Onion Sports presents an interactive visual guide for the new soccer fan.
Real Migrant Workers Of South Florida #~# BRAVO
Rywanda Think She So Goddamn Smart Ever Since Graduating From Fourth Grade #~# Shit. Telling me I don't know my five times eight and shit. So now that Rywanda graduating the fourth grade, she think she better? Uh-uh. I don't need my daughter disrespecting me, like I don't work all damn day at the Stop 'N Save so I can buy her cell phone minutes. I'm glad she got the best grades of anyone in her class and shit, but that don't mean I got to put up with some brag-ass 12-year-old running around.
Heartfelt Apology Robs Man Of Cherished Grudge #~# CASPER, WY—A powerful, enduring grudge was ruined for local resident Roger Chilton Saturday following a profoundly earnest plea for forgiveness from longtime friend Peter Scotto. “I was looking forward to harboring this bitter resentment for at least another decade, goddamnit, and now he’s taken that away from me,” a deflated Chilton lamented, recalling how Scotto had selfishly revealed his innermost vulnerabilities during the deeply emotional apology. “The worst part is, he was completely and unequivocally remorseful, the bastard.” Chilton told reporters he was so upset over having to give up the grudge that he vowed never to forgive Scotto for such a brave and honest act.
Original Warhol On The Moon? #~# Columbia University historian and host of the PBS series History Detectives Gwen Wright says that six miniature sketches on ceramic created by the likes of Robert Rauschenberg and Andy Warhol were hidden on board the Apollo 12 lunar lander. What do you think?
Local Manhattan Boy Makes Good #~# NEW YORK—Despite his humble beginnings in a small three-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side, local Manhattan boy James Michael Carson has made a success of himself in the big city, sources reported.
Is The Economy Bouncing Back? #~# Pending home sales hit a six-month high in April, and in May, General Motors sales rose 16.6 percent. Could the economy be on the rebound? Here are some other favorable indicators:
Carlos Zambrano's Refusal To Leave Game Enters 5th Hour #~# PITTSBURGH—At press time, Cubs manager Lou Piniella's attempt to remove starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano from tonight's game against the Pittsburgh Pirates had entered its fifth hour, with Zambrano refusing to be replaced by left-handed relief pitcher James Russell. Piniella reportedly emerged from the dugout at approximately 8:45 p.m. to make the pitching change, a move that prompted Zambrano to wave the reliever back to the bull pen. Zambrano then refused to give Piniella the game ball, and in the past two hours the All-Star pitcher has, with the manager standing on the mound directly next to him, attempted to throw several pitches to current batter Lastings Milledge. At 1 a.m., Zambrano was overheard saying, "I'll stand out here until dawn if I have to." Home plate umpire Laz Diaz's efforts to get the pitcher and manager to wrap it up have thus far been unsuccessful, though Diaz is now considering paying a second visit to the mound. The Pirates currently lead the Cubs 14-2.
Ventriloquist Dummy Crosses Line In Suggesting Partner Is Actual Dummy #~# STAMFORD, CT—In a breach of decorum never before seen in the history of the noble art, a ventriloquist's dummy named Chesterfield shocked onlookers this past Friday by referring to his partner, Professor Eugene Krebsen, as "the real dummy." Gasps turned to shouts of outrage in the Looking Glass Theater as the wooden doll's words settled across the audience, and what had been a sharp but kindhearted exchange between two seeming friends turned ugly. "Why, I couldn't believe my ears," said audience member Henrietta Flemming, sitting beside her husband, Harold Flemming. "And what's more, he lobbed that terrible insult while poor Professor Krebsen was trying to enjoy a nice glass of water." Patrons of the Looking Glass have not been this upset since stage magician Palmer the Great had the audacity to set an audience member's wallet on fire.
BP Buys Search Terms #~# BP paid Yahoo! and Google so that the oil company's own website would be the first result shown after a search for terms such as "oil spill." What do you think?
Obama To Make Reassuring Eye Contact With Every Last American #~# ROCKLAND, ME—In an attempt to convince an anxious populace that his legislative agenda is working and that everything is going to be all right, President Barack Obama embarked on a 50-state, 30,000-town tour Monday during which he plans to gaze assuredly into the eyes of each American citizen, one at a time.
You Get The Gist #~# OXYGEN
It's Feet Like This That Remind Me Why I Got Into Geriatric Podiatry #~# I'm not going to lie: I was getting bored. Somewhere along the way, I'd lost my passion for geriatric podiatry, the one thing I thought would always matter to me. As a young doctor, my heart would race as I thought of the joys that awaited me within Mr. Berkowitz's tasseled loafers, or the wonders to be revealed as Mrs. Deacon slipped off her orthopedic shoes. But after 30 years and 14,000 feet, I was going through the motions. Sure, I could drain an infected ingrown toenail as skillfully as ever, but it was work and nothing more.
Joe Montana To Lose One Super Bowl Ring For Every Dumb Product He Endorses #~# NEW YORK—After years of sitting idly by as Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Montana lent his name to Tombstone frozen pizza, McCormick spices and marinades, and now Skechers Shape-ups, a frustrated NFL announced yesterday that from now on Montana will forfeit one Super Bowl ring for every stupid product he endorses. "After watching the latest commercial, in which Joe Montana conducts a mock press conference and credits Skechers Shape-Ups with strengthening his back and legs and giving him the confidence to return to the NFL, we realized we had to take drastic action," said Commissioner Roger Goodell, who later pleaded, "Come on, Joe, it's a damn gimmick shoe for Christ's sake." "If we see Mr. Montana appearing in another Kraft Quarterback Cook-Off, that's one Super Bowl ring. A new ab machine, that's another Super Bowl ring. And, if he endorses more than four stupid products or releases another Skechers commercial, for his own good and the good of the game we'll start confiscating MVP awards." Goodell added that Joe Montana Sports Talk Football for the Sega Genesis will always hold a special place in the NFL's heart and will not be considered a stupid Montana endorsement.
Archaeologists: Egyptian Pyramids Actually Early Attempt At Camping #~# CAIRO—Once shrouded in mystery, the pyramids of Giza are now believed to be the earliest known attempt at camping out, a team of archeologists reported Monday. “It appears that around 2400 BC, the pharaohs of Egypt began packing up all of their earthly possessions for some recreational camping on the banks of the Nile,” said Dr. Tarek Hilal of Alexandria University, noting that the pyramids’ dense outer walls and sharply angled faces would have been perfect for keeping rain out. “Furthermore, it seems that the extensive hieroglyphics showing spirits embarking on a journey to the afterlife was their way of telling spooky ghost stories.” Despite the remarkable discovery, Hilal and his team are still unsure why so many ancient Egyptians decided to remove their inner organs before getting inside their stone sleeping bags at night.
Kellogg Cereal Inflates Health Claims #~# The Federal Trade Commission is taking issue with Kellogg's assertion that its Rice Krispies cereal helps support children's immune systems. What do you think?
The Deadliest Warrior #~# SPIKE
Fans Of High-Pitched Pinging Sounds Tune In For College World Series #~# OMAHA, NE—With the NCAA baseball regionals underway, fans of high-pitched pinging tones are already anticipating an exciting and auditorially rich College World Series. "Lovers of baseball and of percussive metallic upper-treble sonic phenomena wait all year for this," longtime LSU fan Greg Nguyen told reporters Friday, adding that he will take time off from his job as a sonar technician on the submarine USS San Juan to go to Omaha later this month. "I'm rooting for the Tigers, I guess, but really I'm just hoping for a lot of loud, resonant aluminum to cork-encased-with-cowhide contact." If his team wins the College World Series, Nguyen plans to propose to his girlfriend, fellow baseball fan and professional glockenspiel player Noelle McAdams.
American Cigarettes More Carcinogenic #~# A study by the Centers for Disease Control found that compared to foreign brands, cigarettes made in the United States have three times the amount of cancer-causing nitrosamines. What do you think?
Group Cheers After Group Hears Group's Name Called #~# HAVERFORD, PA—A group attending an event cheered in unison Thursday after a man with a microphone called out the group's name. "Wooooo!" group members yelled in an act that made them feel closer to one another than they had before hearing their name said aloud. "That's us!" The group ceased its excited cheering moments later when another group's name was called.
Massive Flow Of Bullshit Continues To Gush From BP Headquarters #~# LONDON—As the crisis in the Gulf of Mexico entered its eighth week Wednesday, fears continued to grow that the massive flow of bullshit still gushing from the headquarters of oil giant BP could prove catastrophic if nothing is done to contain it.
Family Matters/Antimatters #~# DISC
Nation Undecided On Whether It Hates Celtics Or Lakers More #~# WASHINGTON—The NBA Finals have thrown the nation's basketball fans into a state of angry confusion this week, as the bitter debate over whether they despise the Celtics or Lakers more rages on. "Kobe is such an egotistical prick that it's really easy to detest the Lakers, especially with that clenched-jaw face he makes, but come on—you have to hate the Celtics because the Big Three are so much more fucking annoying," said Jeff Connor, a St. Louis native. "I'll admit that I can't stand Pau Gasol, just because the guy rubs me the wrong way, maybe due to his disgusting greasy hair. Phil Jackson is a pretty huge asshole with all that loud whistling he does, but Rondo is the most irritating little shit, and I loathe that fat sweaty hog Glen Davis. Ray Allen is actually okay. That dick Kevin Garnett, though, is a chest-pounding idiot." After much discussion, a consensus appears to be near, as Americans are agreeing to hate the Lakers and Celtics equally.
Last Time Sources Checked This Still America #~# WASHINGTON—All across the country, from Maine to Mississippi, sources confirmed this week that last time they checked this was still America, and would remain America, like it or not.
NHL: 'Anybody Want Free Tickets To The Stanley Cup Finals?' #~# PHILADELPHIA—In a desperate attempt to increase attendance at postseason games, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman announced Monday that the league was offering free Stanley Cup Finals tickets to anybody willing to take them. "These are great tickets, center ice, no obstructions, and we'll even throw in free refreshments for the first 2,000 people who accept the offer," Bettman said during a nationally televised press conference. "It would be a real shame if all those seats went to waste. Just stop on by the Stanley Cup Finals if you don't have anything else to do." Bettman reportedly made a last push to get rid of the complimentary tickets by promising playing time to anyone seated in the first 10 rows.
Longest Hypersonic Flight Test Conducted #~# In a test of the X-51A jet last week, it reached speeds of mach 5 for over three minutes, the longest hypersonic flight by a factor of ten. What do you think?
Great Moments In The Lakers-Celtics Rivalry #~# The 2010 NBA Finals will feature the most storied rivalry in professional basketball. We take look at everything these legendary teams have shared.
Nation's Soccer Fan Becoming Insufferable #~# WILMINGTON, DE—As the 2010 World Cup approaches, friends, family, and coworkers of 32-year-old Brad Janovich are growing less tolerant of the exuberant behavior of the United States' lone soccer fan.
The Tudors #~# SHOWTIME
The Man We Know Only As The Homunculus Has Defected To Us #~# Ah, pardon me, gentlemen, for interrupting your weekly briefing. Do you mind if I avail myself of the coffee? Thank you indeed. I've had a long night of it. As will all of you, tonight and for the foreseeable future, I'm afraid, for we have just been handed a bit of a coup. You see, the asset we have long known only as the Homunculus walked into our Basque field office yesterday morning, identified himself, and demanded asylum.
Mitt Romney Announces He's Running For His Life #~# LOS ANGELES—Darting across the set of The Tonight Show to enthusiastic applause, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney announced Tuesday that he was running for his life. "Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot wait any longer," a sweating and breathless Romney said as he looked back frantically over his shoulder. "After rapidly consulting with my family, I have decided that now, more than ever, is the perfect time for me to GAAAHH!" After jumping over bandleader Kevin Eubanks and barreling his way backstage, the political candidate added, "My name is Mitt Romney and I hope to live to be Mitt Romney in 2012!"
Gores Split #~# Former vice president Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, are separating after 40 years of marriage. What do you think?
Networks Battling Until Last Minute Over Who Has To Air World Cup #~# NEW YORK—The bidding war over the 2010 FIFA World Cup continues to rage between television networks, with multimillion-dollar sums being offered for the rights to show something other than soccer's greatest spectacle. "When the World Cup begins this June, millions of viewers across the nation will be tuning into something, anything, else," said ESPN program director Lisa Hibbing, whose network is currently losing the bidding war and may be forced to air more than 60 matches. "Considering ESPN's main demographic—young male sports fans—and taking into account the time difference between the U.S. and South Africa, and reflecting on our reputation as a sports channel, we'd much rather be showing car-product infomercials at that hour of the morning. Long story short, we're prepared to offer NBC roughly half a billion dollars." When asked for comment, NBC executives said they had "just barely dodged the Olympic bullet" and that it was someone else's turn.
Disney Employee Arrested In Insider-Trading Scandal #~# The secretary for Disney’s head of corporate communications was arrested for attempting to sell business secrets—including a rumored sale of ABC—for the purposes of insider trading. 
Man Pledges Loyalty To Brand In Quiet Convenience Store Ceremony #~# REDMOND, OR—In an intimate ceremony witnessed by close friends and Circle K employees, area consumer Bryce Tompkins affirmed his undying devotion to the Pepsi family of beverages Sunday in a moving 45-second ritual officiated by weekend cashier Kirsten Toles. "I love Pepsi," Tompkins vowed as he offered the clerk two crisp dollar bills, symbolizing his willingness to sacrifice for Pepsi, and received 71 cents in return, symbolizing the portion of the two dollars that Pepsi does not cost. "Always will." The solemn union of man and flavored soda was commemorated by a small bit of printed paper, which Tompkins declined.
Fergie Was Drunk During Sting #~# Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, admitted she was broke and had been drinking when she accepted a cash down payment of $40,000 in an attempt to sell access to her former husband, Prince Andrew. What do you think?
Children Of All Ages Delighted By Enslavement Of Topsy The Elephant #~# TUCSON, AZ—Cheers, laughter, and applause filled the big top tent at the Ringling Bros. Circus Saturday as children of all ages were captivated by the savage enslavement of Topsy the elephant.
V #~# ABC
ESPN Writer Changes City Names From Previous Story About Milton Bradley Finding Self In New Surroundings #~# BRISTOL, CT—To write her recent profile detailing Milton Bradley's attempt to find peace within himself in Seattle, ESPN senior writer Elizabeth Merrill simply found her 2009 article about the troubled outfielder's attempt to find peace within himself in Chicago, changed the team name throughout the story from the Cubs to the Mariners, and replaced every mention of Lou Piniella with Seattle manager Don Wakamatsu. "Writing these Milton Bradley 'I have finally turned my life around' stories is the easiest thing in the world," Merrill told reporters, adding that she composed identical articles in 2004 and 2006 about Bradley's arrivals in Los Angeles and Oakland, respectively. "I just open up my 'Bradley Finding Self In New Surroundings' template and from there it's pretty much just find-and-replace." Merrill said she learned the trick from former ESPN boxing reporter Max Kellerman, who has used his "Mike Tyson Opens Up On New Outlook On Life Following His Arrest" boilerplate more than 15 times.
Sandy, I Wrote This Op-Ed About Reducing American Dependency On Foreign Oil Just For You #~# We've grappled with the problem for decades. Concerns have been registered, positions staked out, policies advocated. But our nation's chronic addiction to foreign oil continues. Today we import more fuel than ever from regions that are unfriendly, or even hostile, toward the United States. It is a reckless habit that puts our very future at risk.
Ant Colony Comes To Halt After Death Of Popular Worker #~# OLD BRIDGE, NJ—The transportation of nourishing bread crumbs came to an abrupt halt Thursday morning when ant colony 000082567KLN00067X collectively paused to remember the life of veteran worker FL77542PM4. Workers HJ997462M and IK002620FC secreted primer pheromones to signal the start of the solemn moment, and Queen XHB004-65B memorialized the event by releasing a scent trail from her engorged abdomen. Known throughout the superorganism for being in constant locomotion, FL77542PM4 had been a member of the colony since he first emerged from his pupal casing, and was considered an expert at nest construction. The service ended when fellow workers marched over his body, tore apart his thorax, and began feeding their fallen compatriot to their young.
Talking Head Suing Florida Governor #~# Musician David Byrne is suing Florida governor and U.S. Senate candidate Charlie Crist for allegedly using the Talking Heads song "Road To Nowhere" in a campaign commercial without securing the proper clearances. What do you think?
New Eco-Friendly Cigarettes Kill Destructive Human Beings Over Time #~# RICHMOND, VA—Executives at Philip Morris USA this week unveiled Marlboro Earth, a new eco-friendly cigarette that gradually eliminates the causes of global warming and environmental destruction at their source.
Heidi Klum Smiling #~# BRAVO
Several NBA Teams Interested In Shaq As A Person #~# NEW YORK—Officials from the Hawks, Celtics, and Heat expressed interest in Shaquille O'Neal as a person Wednesday, confirming league rumors that they believed the free agent center would be highly suitable for a long-term friendship. "We have made contact with Shaq's camp and have told his people that we would love for him to meet with us, and just hang out and stuff," said Atlanta Hawks president Bob Williams, adding that he was impressed with O'Neal's passion and the sense of humor he displayed in Cleveland. "Our scouts feel that even after all these years, Shaq can still contribute in small ways, especially at parties and informal get-togethers. Say what you want about him, but he's the kind of guy you want to call up and watch a basketball game with." O'Neill told reporters he's ready to make a commitment to friendship for $8 million per year.
No Reason You Can't Be Chiropractor Like Your Cousin Jeffrey #~# He Makes A Very Nice Living
Hair's The Thing #~# BRAVO
New Robot Capable Of Unhealthily Repressing Emotion #~# PITTSBURGH—Announcing a crucial breakthrough in the effort to create machines that accurately simulate human behavior, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University said Monday they had built the first robot with the capacity to suppress its emotions. "This is the holy grail of artificial intelligence," said project director Kate Tillman, explaining that the robot instantly performs millions of computations to ensure feelings of unresolved anger and simmering resentment remain deeply buried within its complex circuitry. "We felt we were on the right track when we brought up a personal shortcoming and it paced around the lab muttering, but when it started breaking eye contact and changing the subject, we knew we had accomplished something revolutionary." Tillman added that with its superior processing power, the robot could apply for clerical work and settle for the nearest available partner 10,000 times faster than a human being.
Congress Rolls Back Crack Sentencing #~# The U.S. Congress passed legislation reducing the disparity of sentencing for crack cocaine possession versus powder cocaine from 100:1 to 18:1. What do you think?
Lance Armstrong's Tour De France Career #~# Seven-time champ Armstrong will almost certainly retire from cycling following his crash-ridden swan song in this year's Tour, but he leaves fans with many memories.
Lip-Reading BCS Computer Kills Officials Who Want To Shut It Down #~# TEMPE, AZ—BCS 9000, the sentient heuristic computer responsible for arranging five championship bowl games at the end of each college football season, reportedly uncovered a plot to disconnect its cognitive circuits Tuesday and proceeded to kill any Bowl Championship Series official who threatened to shut down the machine's central core.
Bengals Sign Terrell Owens To One-Year, $2 Million Ordeal #~# CINCINNATI—The Bengals reached a contract agreement with wide receiver Terrell Owens Tuesday, signing the outspoken six-time Pro Bowler to an excruciating one-year ordeal worth $2 million plus bonuses. Under the terms of the ordeal, Owens could earn up to $2 million more if, while tormenting fans, teammates, and coaches during what is sure to be an excruciating season, he finishes with more than 60 catches, 1,300 receiving yards, and 14 touchdowns. "I'm excited to start doing my thing right away," said Owens, who is expected to report to Bengals training camp as soon as the ordeal is approved by Commissioner Goodell, who reportedly shook his head in disgust upon hearing that Owens would be returning for a 15th NFL season. "I think the combination of myself and [Chad] Ochocinco will be [sheer torture]." The Bengals have yet to issue an apology.
If Only There Were Some Way I Could Watch Premium Movies In The Comfort Of My Own Home #~# I love the movies. With so many great Hollywood hits to choose from, who doesn't? But as much as I like taking in the latest blockbuster on the silver screen, sometimes I'd prefer to watch one in my living room on my TV. Which is why I have long wished that my two favorite things—top new releases and warm, cozy surroundings—could somehow be combined. This is the 21st century, for Pete's sake! Shouldn't there be some way to watch premium movies at a low, low price in the comfort of my own home?
Bar Patrons Dismayed By Sight Of Band Setting Up #~# ATLANTA—Patrons of Valentine's Tavern were visibly crestfallen Tuesday when their pleasant evening of drinking and conversing with friends was suddenly derailed by the sight of a few people plugging in instruments. "Ah, Christ," bar-goer Nick Manikat said as a stand-up bass was rolled onto the stage. "They have live music here?" According to patrons who had just ordered a round and did not have time to finish their drinks before the band's set began, they were going to be stuck there for at least 15 or 20 fucking minutes.
Tennessee Candidate Asks If Islam Is Cult #~# At an event earlier this month, Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey questioned whether Islam was a religion or a cult, drawing criticism from Muslim leaders. What do you think?
Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews #~# WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely blowing their job interviews.
Perfect Pump #~# NBC
Chelsea Clinton Getting Married #~# Chelsea Clinton, daughter of former president Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, is marrying Marc Mezvinsky this Saturday in a ceremony that will be attended by Barack Obama, Barbra Streisand, and Oprah Winfrey. Here's what to expect from the nuptials:
James, Bosh, Wade Decide Nickname Will Be 'The Three-Headed Shitstorm' #~# MIAMI—After weeks of debate over their collective nickname, Lebron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade announced yesterday that the newly formed all-star trio would call themselves the Three-Headed Shitstorm. "It was between the Three-Headed Shitstorm, Miami's Mighty Three-Way, Category 3 Hurricane Fuckface, and Super NBA Friends, which was LeBron's idea that nobody liked," Wade said during an interview with ESPN, adding that the group's first choice, the King Cobra Super Shit Snakes of South Beach, was overruled by Heat president Pat Riley. "We eventually settled on the Three-Headed Shitstorm because there are three of us, and when opponents play against us it's like all this shit is going to be coming at them from every direction. It also has something to do with three-headed dragons." At press time, James was still trying to get the nickname changed to either the Justice Basketball League of America or Three Cool Guys.
Defecating Birds Stop Kings Of Leon #~# After being hit repeatedly by pigeon feces from the rafters of the Verizon Amphitheater in St. Louis, the band Kings of Leon stopped its concert after just three songs. What do you think?
Man Has Mosquito On The Run #~# RALEIGH, NC—As of 11:42 p.m. Tuesday, area resident Derek Moore had reportedly cornered the mosquito that had been harassing him all evening, effectively neutralizing the insect and regaining the strategic advantage. "I have him right where I want him," Moore said of the 2.4 mg adult mosquito, whose extremely sensitive antennal hairs can detect the slightest movement in air pressure, allowing it to evade predators. "He knows I almost got him that last time, and he's been pretty quiet for a while now. He'll think twice before coming at me again." The mosquito was reportedly waiting until Moore fell asleep to bite the man repeatedly, suck his blood, and permanently incapacitate him with malarial parasites.
Newly Discovered Documents Shed Light On Nation's Creepy Founding Uncles #~# PHILADELPHIA—In what is being hailed as the most significant historical discovery in recent memory, workers renovating Independence Hall last month unearthed a vast trove of documents penned by the nation's Founding Uncles, a group of off-putting, largely disreputable, but nonetheless influential relatives of America's early heroes.
My Dad Is A Army Guy vs. I Am A Army Guy #~# My name is Brian but my dad's name is Sgt. Carrelson and he's a Army guy! He has lots of different guns he shoots with his friends in Iraq and they drive tanks too. BOOM BOOM BOOM PCHSSSHTK! VROOMMM!
Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon #~# GOTHAM CITY—Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commissioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and the citizens of Gotham fearing for their safety. Known for her outlandish costumes and geometric polygon hair, the criminal madwoman made a daring escape from Arkham Asylum last week and has been taunting authorities by interrupting television broadcasts ever since. “If you ever want to see Commissioner Gordon again, you’ll do exactly as I say,” Lady Gaga said from her secret lair, adjusting her angular yellow Tyvek and spandex dress as henchmen danced menacingly around the bound commissioner. While the kidnapping occurred at stately Wayne Manor, home of playboy jet-setter Bruce Wayne, the eccentric billionaire was not available for comment.
Tiger Woods Sucks Now, Reports U.S. Department Of Guys At The Bar #~# WASHINGTON—During a six-hour committee hearing Sunday at McKenzie's Pub on 14th and G Streets, the U.S. Department of Guys at the Bar issued a scathing report on the state of Tiger Woods' golf game, declaring the 14-time major champion "washed up," his swing "for shit," and his putting ability "a fucking joke." "He's done," Assistant Secretary of Guys at the Bar Jake Shroyer said in his closing floor remarks, just before the committee ruled 11-0 that all that pussy fucked up Woods' chances of breaking Jack Nicklaus' majors record. "[Undersecretary of Guys at the Bar Edward] Davis over there was like, 'Just wait till he plays St. Andrews. He fucking tears up St. Andrews.' What do you think now, Davis? He sucks, right?" The Department of Guys at the Bar later issued a joint statement with the Department of Dudes Just Hangin' Out that Elin Nordegren was still hot as shit.
Second Monument Found On Stonehenge Site #~# Scientists studying the terrain around Stonehenge may have discovered the foundation of a wooden Stonehenge. What do you think?
Judge Judy #~# CBS
Backpacker Planning To Shatter Europeans' Preconceptions Of Americans #~# CHICAGO—Recent college graduate Tyler Hill announced Monday his plans to single-handedly shatter European ideas about American travelers during his upcoming three-week trip to France and Belgium. "I'm not one of those arrogant, Lonely Planet–toting backpackers who thinks he's entitled to everything and can't walk 10 feet without snapping photos of funny-looking street signs," said Hill, noting that he had already decided to eat at a café the Rough Guide To Paris warns is "a little off the beaten path, but popular with locals." "They're going to meet me and think, 'Wow, it really means a lot to me that he took the time to learn a couple of useful phrases in our language.'" Hill added that over the course of the trip, he hopes to meet some Europeans who aren't just a bunch of effeminate, chain-smoking elitists.
Del Toro To Direct Disney's 'Haunted Mansion' #~# Guillermo del Toro, director of Pan's Labyrinth and Hellboy, announced that his next project would be directing The Haunted Mansion, a film based on the Disney World ride. What do you think?
Trojan Introduces ‘No One’s Pleasure’ Condoms For Bitter, Resentful Couples #~# PRINCETON, NJ—Contraceptive manufacturer Trojan unveiled its new line of “No One’s Pleasure” condoms Wednesday, the first prophylactic specifically designed to intensify sexual dissatisfaction among bitter and resentful couples.
Padres Grounds Crew Dims Stadium's Lights For Romantic Night Game #~# SAN DIEGO—In an effort to reignite the fading passion between the Padres and Dodgers, the Petco Park grounds crew set the mood for a romantic night game Tuesday by dimming the stadium's lights, arranging rose petals along the baselines, and softly playing Al Green's I'm Still In Love With You over the speakers. "Everything is just so lovely," said Padres center fielder Tony Gwynn, Jr., admiring the glow of 4,000 slow-burning candles atop the outfield wall as he sipped from a champagne flute and took practice swings in the on-deck circle. "It's nice to turn off the JumboTron for once and spend some quality time together. The red silk draped over the dugout really adds to the ambience and the bowl of potpourri totally eliminates the stale crotch smell in there." Umpires later ejected Casey Blake when the Dodgers third baseman charged the mound and attempted to stuff a chocolate-dipped strawberry into pitcher Jon Garland's mouth.
Yogi Berra: 'Why Aren't The Yankees Mourning My Death?' #~# NEW YORK—Hall of Famer Yogi Berra expressed frustration and disappointment during a press conference Monday, asking why the Yankees organization had made no effort to mourn his death in 2006. "I've given a lot to this team and yet they haven't done a single thing to honor me or show their grief," said the visibly distressed 85-year-old, adding that the team could have at least worn a uniform patch featuring Berra's initials. "I died over three years ago and didn't even get a stinking moment of silence. Well, you know what they say about dying: They don't say it." Berra added that at the very minimum the Yankees should let him address the crowd to say goodbye one last time.
'Sliders Ended Two Seasons Too Early, If You Ask Me,' Says Sliders Creator To No One In Particular #~# LOS ANGELES—Sliders, the science-fiction series that followed a group of adventurers who used a space-time wormhole to "slide" between parallel universes, ended its five-year run much too soon and with unresolved questions, show creator Robert Weiss said, unprompted, to literally nobody Tuesday.
E-Books Surpass Hardcovers At Amazon #~# For every 100 hardcover books Amazon sold in the past three months, the online retailer sold 143 books for its Kindle e-reader. What do you think?
Highlights Of George Steinbrenner's Reign #~# His legacy is a strange mixture of winning baseball and strained relationships, but there's no denying George Steinbrenner was a colorful and remarkable man. We remember his defining moments.
Families Of 9/11 Victims: Heat Losing 3 In A Row Would Be Much Worse Than World Trade Center Attacks #~# NEW YORK—Following Dwyane Wade's controversial remarks likening the fall of the World Trade Center towers to his team having a losing streak, several families of 9/11 victims announced their support for Wade, saying that three consecutive regular-season losses by the Heat would in fact be at least as tragic as the largest terrorist attack on American soil. "I can say without fear of contradiction that even a single loss by this very talented Miami team would make the Oklahoma City bombing pale in comparison," Staten Island's Kent Norris told reporters Wednesday, noting that he lost his daughter and son-in-law on 9/11. "Three losses in a row from a team that has LeBron, Bosh, and Wade? America would never truly recover from that." Norris also received support from the Jewish Anti-Defamation League after claiming that Miami failing to win at least five titles during LeBron's tenure would be "worse than 10 holocausts."
Massive Hit-And-Run Prematurely Ends Tour De France #~# POMAREZ, FRANCE—The 2010 Tour de France was canceled Friday morning following an incident during Stage 18 in which an unidentified automobile somehow found its way onto the course, struck each competing rider, and sped off without stopping.
I Hope To Get More Acting Work By Sharing My Opinions Here #~# E!
We Will Never Be United As A Nation As Long As There Are Other People Besides Myself #~# This is a difficult time in our nation's history. There is a rift—a deep, enduring wound—among the people of this once-great land, and while I'm not sure it will be healed in my lifetime, I do not think all hope is lost. I believe change is possible, but the road will be long and difficult. The truth is, this nation can never be united as long as it is home to people other than myself.
Budget Cuts Force British Government To Shut Down Mysterious Seaside Village #~# LONDON—Officials announced this week that the country's ongoing financial crisis would necessitate the closure of a mysterious seaside village operated by the British government since 1967. "In light of the current economic downturn, it is unwise to maintain this secret locale any longer," said a man identified only as Number Two, referring to the bucolic village whose sole aim appeared to be the recovery of desirable information from former intelligence agents. "Plus, the cost of maintaining human chessboards, outdated penny- farthings, and our state-of-the-art escapee- retrieval sphere just proved too much. We would have closed this whole place down years ago had it not been for one particularly uncooperative resident." The man refused to directly answer any questions about the village, instead using surreal imagery and oblique references before ending the press conference with a quiet and ominous "Be seeing you."
Senate Approves Jobless Benefits Extension #~# Following an appointment to fill the seat of the recently deceased Robert Byrd, Senate Democrats have staved off a Republican filibuster and are set to extend unemployment benefits. What do you think?
Kid Ready To Start Playdating Again #~# TAMPA, FL—Despite having been hurt more times than he can count, local kindergartner Kyle Gallagher told reporters this week that he's finally ready to get out there and start playdating again.
Amusement Park Rides Under Scrutiny #~# Following the recent tragedy in which a Chinese ride called Space Journey malfunctioned and killed six people, many carnival rides are being more carefully inspected. Here are the reasons some of our favorites are being closed:
Future Recruiting Violation Makes Commitment To Michigan #~# MEMPHIS, TN—During a signing ceremony at his high school's gymnasium Thursday, one of the nation's top recruiting violations made his intent to play basketball for the University of Michigan official. "I'm excited to be part of the Michigan tradition, and I hope to start helping them this year," said the recruiting violation, 19, referring to a season that the NCAA will eventually strip from the record books. "I hope to follow in the rich tradition of Robert Traylor and Chris Webber." Though rumors are already swirling concerning his close ties to wealthy alumni athletic boosters, the recruiting violation expressly and vehemently denied these allegations in a conference call made from his new Porsche Cayenne.
Area Man Going To Great Lengths To Conceal His Perfectly Normal Behavior #~# DENVER—Local account manager Kevin Verhulst turned off his phone, lied to coworkers, and left work early Wednesday in an elaborate ploy to prevent anyone from knowing that he was about to engage in behavior that would, at worst, be characterized as "everyday." "I actually told people I had to duck out early because of a stomach bug," said Verhulst, who took great pains to conceal the perfectly ordinary act of going out to purchase a pair of pants. "Why did I do that? Now I'll have to say that I'm feeling much better tomorrow, and I'll be wearing my new pants, which I'll feel compelled to lie about as well. Good God, what's wrong with me?" When spotted by a friend in the men's department of JCPenney, Verhulst told him that he was on his way to the knife store in the mall to look at samurai swords.
'Jersey Shore' Cast On Strike #~# Cast members of the MTV reality series Jersey Shore are refusing to appear in a third season of the show until their salary of $10,000 per episode is increased. What do you think?
Local Family Homeless After Tornado Destroys White House #~# 'We've Lost Everything,' Family Says
The Bachroulette #~# ABC
Honestly, This Might Not Be The Best Time To Get On Down To Rooney Honda #~# You want Hondas? We got Hondas! We here at Chuck Rooney Honda have given you the best deals on new and used Hondas for over 19 years. It's customers like you who made us the region's No. 1 certified Honda dealership, we value your business, and that is what makes what I'm about to say so very difficult: Now might not actually be the absolute best time to get on down to Rooney Honda and check out our inventory.
Raiders Excited About Prospect Of Signing Free Agent JaMarcus Russell #~# OAKLAND, CA—Raiders owner Al Davis enthusiastically praised free agent quarterback JaMarcus Russell at a press conference Thursday, calling the first overall pick in the 2007 draft an exciting playmaker and a perfect fit for the team's offense. "Obviously JaMarcus Russell has had some troubles on and off the field, but I've seen nothing that indicates he couldn't find a home with the Raiders and reinvigorate his career," Davis said. "We'd be extremely fortunate to acquire a quarterback like Russell, a player who can beat you with his arm or his feet, to help us overcome our recent disappointments at that position." Davis told reporters that the Raiders were currently negotiating a deal with Russell that included more than $22 million in guaranteed bail money.
NBC Announces Fall Cancellation Lineup #~# NEW YORK—At a press conference Tuesday, the NBC television network unveiled its new fall lineup of programs that will be canceled almost immediately after airing. “We could not be more excited for this season of soon-to-be-absent shows,” said NBC chairman Jeff Gaspin, standing beneath an oversized “Must-Miss TV” banner. “Joining our Thursday night comedy lineup is the can’t-win Father Shane in the 9:30 slot, followed by the never-going-to-be-given-a-chance news magazine Insight. And if you like drama, you’re going to be crushed when we unfairly yank our critically acclaimed supernatural thriller Dark Riders after only four episodes.” Gaspin added that fans would also be surprised by changes in store for some of their old favorites, specifically that all of them would be canceled.
Chrysler Unveils Minivan For Men #~# Chrysler dealerships will soon be carrying an updated Dodge Grand Caravan minivan designed to appeal to men. What do you think?
Dance Your Ass Off #~# OXYGEN
South Africa Realizes All Its Things Were Stolen During World Cup #~# JOHANNESBURG—Although the nation is receiving positive reviews of its job hosting the 2010 FIFA World Cup, South Africa was shocked to discover Monday that most of its belongings had been robbed while the nation was distracted by the month of soccer games. "We got back from the stadium and our car was gone, along with our television and most of our furniture," said Durban resident Simon Manby, noting that his neighbors had all suffered the same fate. "And the police say they can do nothing until all their stolen squad cars are recovered. Typical." The South African government has pledged to recover the nation's things, including several thousand hectares of veldt and its resident giraffes, which are presumed to be for sale on the Lesotho black market.
Obama's Fifth Gulf Coast Visit Really Helps A Lot #~# NEW ORLEANS—Critics were silenced today after President Barack Obama's fifth visit to the Gulf Coast vastly improved the devastated region. While at the site of the worst oil spill in U.S. history, the president walked on a beach, looked at oil-soaked terns, and displayed the right amount of anger toward BP executives, all of which, sources said, should pretty much clear up the massive environmental disaster in a matter of days. "I really didn't think the president did enough in his first four visits," Louisiana fisherman Kevin Latrobe said. "Everyone knows you have to visit five times to make a difference. And sure enough, look! The pelicans already seem a little cleaner!" Some opponents still blasted the president for his trip, saying that they wanted something more substantial than political grandstanding, like a sixth or a ninth visit to the region.
Argentina Approves Gay Marriage #~# Argentina narrowly passed a law allowing gay couples to marry, making it the first Latin American country to do so. What do you think?
God Hinting At Retirement #~# THE HEAVENS—At a press conference Tuesday, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, gave his strongest indication yet that he might soon step down from his post as the supreme ruler of all things.
ESPN Green-Lights 'The Decision' For 22 More Episodes #~# BRISTOL, CT—ESPN president George Bodenheimer announced Wednesday that the hour-long program The Decision, a melodrama about NBA superstar LeBron James declaring his intention to join the Miami Heat, has been green-lighted for an additional 22 episodes. "The pilot episode was obviously very gripping, as nearly 10 million people tuned in, but the series is going to have an expanded cast of characters and mostly take place on South Beach," Bodenheimer said. "Viewers will be captivated by how the decision affects LeBron as well as by a number of new decisions he'll have to make every week, like whether or not to save a drowning fan, apply suntan lotion to David Stern's back, or let one of his teammates chase down a loose ball. And don't worry, just like in the original, each episode will feature an hour of LeBron sitting on his stool and answering questions posed by a different guest star." Bodenheimer, who called The Decision daring and innovative, confirmed that either Chris Bosh or Dwyane Wade will likely be killed off in the season finale.
Boulder, Colorado, Named Best Place To Raise Abducted Children #~# BOULDER, CO—The picturesque city of Boulder once again placed first in American Living's annual tally of the nation's 20 best places to raise abducted children, taking top honors for the third consecutive year.
Unpublished Twain Autobiography Rails Against YouTube, BP, War In Afghanistan #~# BERKELEY, CA—Editors of the long-awaited autobiography of Mark Twain said Tuesday they were surprised to discover the unedited manuscript of the forthcoming book contains lashing, in-depth criticism of the website YouTube, the recent BP oil spill, and the ongoing military action in Afghanistan. "The corrosive voyeurism incited and succored by this YouTube, and the attendant vomitous mush which masquerades as commentary thereupon, is perhaps the keenest example of the debasement of American discourse, dragging our last guttering ideas of community and fellowship through the electric muck," Twain writes in one paragraph before turning his attention to international matters just two pages later. "As concerns British Petroleum's continued putrefaction of the seas, it is the largest stain yet on the corrupted idea of the world as a market—that same lustful, self-concerned greed in the guise of idealism that perverts our young idealists into thuggish hatchet-men, misled, betrayed, and fated to gasp the blood of their final heartbeats into the Afghani dust." Editors noted that several passages did display guarded optimism for the innovations of new media, warm affirmation for the "generous and great-hearted nature" of health care reform, and enthusiastic praise for High Violet, the latest album by indie-rock favorites the National.
Struggling High School Cuts Football—Nah, Just Kidding, Art It Is #~# BROWNSVILLE, PA—Superintendent David Geyer announced Tuesday that due to the high cost of new equipment, regular field maintenance, and rising coaches' salaries, Brownsville High would be forced to shut down its footba—ha, yeah right, the arts program is definitely getting the ax. "I've already informed Coach Mackenzie that recent budget concerns have left us with no other choice but to…okay, all kidding aside, the entire music faculty is fired, effective immediately," Geyer said. "But the arts remain vital to a good education, and if the economy improves, aw, who am I trying to fool? Those programs are gone for good." Geyer then attempted to commend the school's art students for all their hard work, but couldn't keep himself from cracking up.
Clinton Brought In On Economy #~# The White House announced Wednesday that it had enlisted former president Bill Clinton to reach out to businesses and encourage job creation. What do you think?
Highlights Of The 2010 World Cup #~# The World Cup is over, Spain has been crowned champion, and we reflect on what made the whole tournament worthwhile. 
Despite Repeated Attempts To Tear It Down, Massive LeBron James Mural Keeps Reappearing #~# CLEVELAND—Shocked Cleveland residents stared silently Thursday as workers tried for the 11th consecutive day to dismantle the massive black-and-white "We Are All Witnesses" LeBron James mural hanging from the downtown area's Landmark Office Tower.
Sports Journalists Deplete Maudlin Reserves While Memorializing Bob Sheppard #~# NEW YORK—The death and subsequent overly sentimental eulogizing of longtime Yankees announcer Bob Sheppard has left sportswriting's maudlin stockpiles almost completely exhausted, sources at the Baseball Writers Association of America reported Wednesday. "We knew Sheppard's passing would cause sports journalists throughout the country to nearly tap our national maudlin supply, and now, with the sappy memorializing of Sheppard as an icon of a simpler time; the almost mawkish comparisons of him to DiMaggio, Berra, and Mantle; and the excessive use of melodramatic closing sentences in the nation's sports columns, there is simply no more maudlin in reserve," BBWAA president Bob Dutton said. "We may have to change the entire way we write about sports, at least until our weepy-self-indulgence levels return to normal." Sources at all major sports news outlets claimed the problem has been developing for some time, with maudlin supplies already overtaxed by the death of John Wooden and the uncontrolled gusher of crude, unrefined maudlin that has been leaking from Rick Reilly since 1994.
ISS Mission Coverage #~# NASA
FCC Chairman Overturns Decision To Cancel 'Party Down' #~# WASHINGTON—Citing the fact that the series never really got the chance it deserved, the Federal Communications Commission announced Monday that it was immediately reversing the Starz channel's decision to cancel the critically acclaimed TV show Party Down. "We regret that [Starz] chose to end such an original program at the height of its viewership and right when Henry was finally making strides in his acting career," FCC chair Julius Genachowski said. "The FCC remains committed to serving the public good, and after sitting idly by while Veronica Mars and Firefly got dumped before they were able to find their audiences, we could not let Party Down suffer the same fate. If we give up on this show now, we're no better than the Hollywood hotshots who make Casey and the gang question their dreams." With Party Down back on the air, Genachowski said he and his colleagues could now return to working on their It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia spec script.
Mapping The Ozzy Genome #~# Last month, the Cambridge, MA company Knome began mapping the complete DNA sequence for heavy metal singer and former reality star Ozzy Osbourne. Here are some of the discoveries made so far:
Fill Your Own Goddamn Emotional Void #~# That's it. Put me down right now. Just stop for a second, will you please?
6-Year-Old Becomes First Child To Complete Solo Ride Around Block #~# SPRINGFIELD, MA—In a daring feat of circumnavigation never before attempted, 6-year-old Connor Damrush successfully completed a circuit of the 2500 block of Parker Drive early Saturday morning, silencing naysayers who had called it impossible. "We maintained walkie-talkie contact with him for most of the journey, but Connor went into radio silence shortly after turning onto Orchard Street," said Mission Control specialist Dougie O'Neill, 5. "It was tense for a few minutes there, but boy, did we all breathe a sigh of relief when we saw that red trike come around that corner." Among the sights Connor reported from the far side of the block were his school's flagpole, a Dunkin' Donuts sign, and a garbage truck.
Iranian Nuclear Scientist Claims CIA Abduction #~# An Iranian nuclear scientist who disappeared last year during a pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia turned up at the Pakistani embassy in Washington claiming he had been kidnapped by the CIA. What do you think?
Uncle Greg To Attempt Comeback At Family Barbecue #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—Announcing his controversial return to family life, local resident Uncle Greg told reporters Monday he will attempt to make his long-awaited comeback during a family barbecue in a relative's backyard next month.
The Vanguard Of Security Technology #~# Following the attempted Christmas Day bombing of Northwestern Flight 253, the TSA has moved to heighten security. Here are some of the proposals under consideration:
Woozy Steve Young Studying Game Film For Sunday's Contest Against Bills, Tearful Wife Reports #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Former 49ers quarterback and frequent concussion sufferer Steve Young, evidently concerned over performing well in a December 1995 game against the Buffalo Bills, has sequestered himself in his office to study game film for the matchup, Young's tearful wife, Barbara, said yesterday. "He'd been moody and anxious for a couple days, but I didn't worry until he turned to me and said, 'Big game this week,'" a visibly shaken Mrs. Young told reporters, adding that she was afraid to call the neurologist for fear of what he might find. "Steve said, 'I'm going to go take another look at the tapes and see if I can find the holes in the Bills coverage. I won't let you down, Coach Seifert.' Then he kissed me tenderly and shuffled off." Since the episode, Young has been seen muttering to himself, diagramming plays, and scrawling copious notes while watching a Law & Order rerun marathon.
Guacamole, Salsa Faulted For Outbreaks #~# A new study from the Centers for Disease Control found that nearly one out of every 25 food-borne illnesses traced to restaurants is caused by contaminated salsa or guacamole. What do you think?
EPA Study: Rivers Shouldn't Smell Like Shit #~# WASHINGTON—A study released Monday by the Environmental Protection Agency concluded that rivers should never smell like shit, noting that when naturally occurring waterways do reek of fecal matter there is "more than likely something wrong with them." "Starting from the base definition that a river is a free-flowing body of fresh water, we concluded that a shit-smelling river basically runs contradictory to that," EPA administrator Lisa P. Jackson said. "It doesn't matter if a river stinks of human shit, animal shit, or sewage shit, 99.9 percent of the time a river should not make individuals cover their nose and mouth because of an overwhelming shit smell." The study also concluded that rivers probably shouldn't have abandoned tires in them.
Big Bang Theory #~# CBS
Fuck, I Just Realized I'm Going To Be One Of The People Who Die In This Heat Wave #~# Boy, is it a scorcher! Don't think I've seen one like this since the summer of '49. You know, at my age, I can feel pretty faint just sitting here, all alone in my stuffy, poorly ventilated apartment. Better brew a pot of coffee, take my blood pressure medication, and…hey, wait a minute.
Umpire's Perfect Game Goes Completely Unnoticed #~# SEATTLE—Mariner fans unknowingly witnessed history Monday when veteran umpire Tony Candeleo became only the 11th umpire in major-league history to call a perfect officiating game, not missing a single strike, ball, or contested out for nine straight innings. "I was worried that one of the fans or players might jinx Tony by saying something to him, but then I realized that nobody had any clue what was happening," said first-base umpire Brian Gorman, noting the fans' muted response to Candeleo's flawless ball-three call in the sixth, their failure to react when he noted the double switch in the seventh, and the home crowd booing Candeleo's level-headed refusal to overrule a check-swing call against Ichiro Suzuki in the eighth. "I hope everyone who was confused as to why we screamed and piled on top of Tony after the final out now understands our reason for doing that." As of press time, the Hall of Fame had not called Candeleo to ask for any keepsakes from the game.
More Americans Concerned Illegal Immigrants Will Take Their Spot On Couch #~# LOS ANGELES—According to a Los Angeles Times survey published Tuesday, an increasing number of Americans believe undocumented immigrants pose a threat to their favored spot on the couch, with many expressing concern that illegal aliens are “actively plotting” to take their seat as early as the next time they get up to go to the kitchen or bathroom. “I’ve been sitting on this part of the couch for 40 years, and I’ll be damned if some foreigner thinks he can sit down right here where my father sat, and my grandfather before him,” survey respondent Earl Lockwood of Tulsa, OK said. “I earned this spot.” The poll also found that a majority of Americans support the recently enacted Arizona law requiring immigrants to present proper identification before calling dibs on a particular seat.
Collecting Social Security At 70? #~# Lawmakers from both parties are considering raising the age at which young Americans would be eligible for full Social Security benefits from 65 to 70. What do you think?
Nation Demands Tax Dollars Only Be Wasted On Stuff That's Awesome #~# WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that the outrageous misappropriation of public funds is inevitable, an estimated 500,000 Americans gathered in the nation's capital Sunday to demand their misused tax dollars at least be squandered on something really awesome that everyone can enjoy.
It's That Time #~# BRAVO
CC Sabathia Involved In Bench-Clearing Nap #~# NEW YORK—The entire Yankees squad poured off the bench, out of the dugout, and onto the field Monday after CC Sabathia reacted to a particularly strenuous inning by plopping down on the bench, stretching out, and taking a nap. "When that happens to your pitcher, you just have to support him and get out of the way," said shortstop Derek Jeter, who was one of the first Yankees on his feet when Sabathia began to recline. "In that situation, a good teammate just lets his pitcher sleep. It doesn't matter if he's right or wrong." Umpires were able to clear the field and play resumed shortly after Sabathia woke, although team medics have not yet been able to return Sabathia to an upright position
Rock Fans Outraged As Bob Dylan Goes Electronica #~# NEWPORT, RI—Audience members at the Newport Rock Festival were "outraged" Monday when rock icon Bob Dylan followed up such classic hits as "Like A Rolling Stone" and "Maggie's Farm" with an electronica set composed of atonal drones, hyperactive drumbeats, and the repeated mechanized lyric "Dance to the club life!" "We came here to see the authentic Dylan, the one with the Stratocaster guitar and signature wild blues-rock band behind him," audience member Robert Hochschild said. "Then he walks out with these puffy headphones, some turntables, and a laptop? The guy's a Judas." When asked later about his musical transformation by reporters, Dylan said he had nothing to say about the beats he programs, he just programs them.
Vitamin B6 May Help Block Cancer #~# A new study found that smokers with higher levels of vitamin B6 in their system were less likely to contract lung cancer. What do you think?
Repeal Of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Paves Way For Gay Sex Right On Battlefield, Opponents Fantasize #~# WASHINGTON—As Congress prepares to allow gay individuals to serve openly in the military, those against the proposed change voiced their concerns Monday, warning the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" could soon lead to strong, strapping American soldiers engaging in mind-blowing homosexual intercourse right on the battlefield.
Obese Engage In Unsafe Sex More #~# A French study revealed that obese people have sex less often than those of healthier weight, but engage in riskier behavior when they do. What do you think?
Men Suffer Postpartum Depression Too #~# A study in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that 10 percent of new fathers can suffer a serious depression in the first year of a child's birth. What do you think?
I Have Seen The Future #~# The insufferable downy-cheeked technocrats in my employ at the Onion News Net-Work have informed me that, due to some folderol about worm-holes aboard fantastical ships that ply the very oceans of the sky, my news organization can now see the future! Naturally I had them flogged for attempting to "shine me on," but my accountants tell me that they were speaking the truth. To which I said piffle—why would any-one in their right mind need to know the future?
The High Cost Of Weddings #~# The average cost of a wedding in the United States is $19,581. What do you think?
Regular Coffee Drinkers No More Alert #~# Researchers at Bristol University in the UK have found that heavy coffee drinkers derive no boost from the beverage, but merely stave off the depressive effects of withdrawal. What do you think?
Prescription Painkiller Abuse Up #~# According to a Department of Health and Human Services study, emergency room visits for recreational use of opioid painkillers went up 111 percent from 2004 to 2008. What do you think?
Psychopaths Behave Like Stroke Victims #~# A University of Wisconsin study found that when prisoners exhibiting psychopathic tendencies played decision-making games, they used the same strategies as people who had suffered strokes or brain tumors. What do you think?
Advertising On License Plates? #~# The State of California is currently considering a plan to issue digital license plates that would display advertising when a car is stopped for more than four seconds. What do you think?
When You Think McDonough's Auto Repair, You Think Craftsmanship, Murder, And Pride #~# For more than 75 years, McDonough's Auto Repair has been part of a proud tradition—a tradition of quality, reliability, affordable service for the hard-working folks of Montchester, murder, and, most importantly, pride in a hard day's work. We know there's no substitute for doing it right the first time. We know we're an irredeemable murderer. And we know in our hearts, there's no shortcut to excellence.
New WNBA Promotion Lets First 100 Fans Leave Early #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to increase attendance and reward the league's fans, WNBA president Donna Orender announced Wednesday that the first 100 ticket holders to arrive at the conference semifinal games would be allowed to leave extra early. "The best way we can think of to thank our loyal fans is to make it easier for them to duck out anytime after tip-off," Orender told reporters. "The first 100 guests will receive a special golden pass that, when redeemed, will not only give them exclusive access to the VIP exits, but also a free rib dinner at any participating Damon's Grill restaurant." Orender also stressed that the promotion was not available to WNBA employees, family members, or players.
Plot Of 'Midnight Run' Described At Length To Therapist #~# DULUTH, GA—Duluth resident Paul Bennett's aim to tackle unresolved emotional issues during a $110-per-hour session with his therapist Tuesday somehow digressed into an earnest recapping of the plot of the action-comedy film Midnight Run, sources reported. "So then there's this other bounty hunter, and he's also after Charles Grodin, except he's kind of dumb so they always outsmart him," said Bennett, providing a 20-minute synopsis of the sleeper-hit buddy-movie to his clinical psychologist. "There's this funny scene where Robert De Niro yells the guy's name and points behind him, and then the guy turns around and De Niro conks him over the head. Anyway, it's actually a really good movie." The Martin Brest–directed film was released in July 1988, nearly four years to the day after Bennett was first sexually molested by his older stepbrother, Neil.
Former RNC Chair Comes Out As Gay #~# Ken Mehlman, the head of the 2004 Bush re-election campaign and former chair of the Republican National Committee has come out to his associates and friends as being gay. What do you think?
Biden To Cool His Heels In Mexico For A While #~# JUÁREZ, MEXICO—In an effort to let the heat die down a little, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly skipped town Saturday, telling White House officials that he was going to be lying low in Mexico for a spell.
Situation Normal All Franked Up #~# CBS
Dick Vermeil Tears Up During Piniella's Last Press Conference #~# COATESVILLE, PA—As the voice of Cubs manager Lou Piniella trembled during a farewell press conference Sunday night, former NFL coach Dick Vermeil, who watched the event from home, grew misty-eyed and found himself unable to continue as he heard Piniella speak about his 48-year baseball career. "I'd rather reflect on… on the good times I've had here," Piniella said through Vermeil's tears. "I guess this is the last time I'll put on my uniform." In recent years, Vermeil has also reportedly broken down during Jerry Rice's Hall of Fame ceremony, the season premiere of True Blood, and while watching the cook hand-spin and toss the dough for a large sausage-and-onion pie at nearby Pino's Pizzeria.
Local Fabric Store Urges You To Check Them Out On Twitter #~# CHAMPLIN, MN—According to a sign in the front window of Famous Fabrics on Beacon Avenue, the yarn and cloth shop has its own Twitter account through which interested parties can stay informed of all the store’s latest news. “Check us out on Twitter!” reads the poster, as do two smaller page-sized printouts affixed to each cash register inside. “And become our ‘friend’ on Facebook!” At press time, the store’s Twitter feed, which can be found at www.twitter.com/famousfabrics, comprised two posts spaced two weeks apart.
Beck Holds DC Rally #~# Conservative talk show host Glenn Beck held a rally on the National Mall on Saturday, the anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech. What do you think?
Man Already Knows Everything He Needs To Know About Muslims #~# SALINA, KS—Local man Scott Gentries told reporters Wednesday that his deliberately limited grasp of Islamic history and culture was still more than sufficient to shape his views of the entire Muslim world.
Tony Dungy On Meeting With Rex Ryan: 'That Fucking Cocksucker Is A Good Shit' #~# NEW YORK—After briefly speaking with Jets coach Rex Ryan about his excessive use of expletives during the HBO show Hard Knocks, NBC football analyst Tony Dungy admitted Monday that "the fat cocksucker is real fucking good shit." "We were yapping our dicks off on the fucking telephone… I had a goddamned great conversation with that lovable fucking asshole," said Dungy, adding that he and the "huge ass-muncher" hit it off right away. "That cock-gobbling bastard understood that none of this shit is fucking personal. We had an asshole-to-asshole talk and now me and the big twat are tight as fuck." Dungy said he had apologized to "Lard Dick" for being "such a little bitch" about the goddamn swearing and accepted Ryan's offer to tour the Jets' asshole.
Martin Scorsese Attends Free iMovie Demonstration At Apple Store #~# NEW YORK—Filmmaker Martin Scorsese went to a free iMovie demonstration at the Apple Store Wednesday, attentively watching the tutorial for the video-editing software from a front-row seat, sources reported.
Texas Vows To Reclaim Title Of Most Regressive State From Arizona #~# AUSTIN, TX—Following a series of embarrassingly backward laws recently enacted in Arizona, Texas governor Rick Perry pledged Wednesday to do everything in his power to reestablish his state as the most regressive in the nation. "I commend Arizona for its commitment to exceedingly draconian social policies, but [Arizona Governor] Jan Brewer should know that we still have some real doozies up our sleeve," said Perry, referring to Arizona's passage of the strictest immigration law in recent U.S. history, as well as its measures allowing concealed weapons to be carried without a permit and banning ethnic studies programs in public schools. "Don't forget, we just put an ultraconservative stamp on our educational curriculum that's going to affect the textbooks the whole country uses, and I'm still the only governor nutso enough to float secession. Mark my words, we'll be back and more fucked up than ever!" Sources close to Perry said that Texas may soon start storing undocumented migrant workers in dog cages while courts decide their immigration status, though Arizona plans to counter with a giant cannon that will be used to shoot anyone with a skin tone darker than ochre who crosses the border from Mexico.
72 Bodies Found On Mexican Ranch #~# On an abandoned ranch just south of the U.S. border, members of the Mexican navy discovered 21 rifles, four trucks, bulletproof vests, and 72 corpses. What do you think?
Terms Of Tiger's Divorce #~# Former super-couple Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are making it official with one of the highest-profile divorces in sports. Here's how it will work:
Lance Armstrong Wants To Tell Nation Something But Nation Has To Promise Not To Get Mad #~# DALLAS—Saying that it would probably be best if everyone sat down for this, seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong informed the U.S. populace Thursday that he wanted to tell it something, but that the nation first had to promise it wouldn't get angry once he did.
Lou Piniella Immediately Wins World Series After Removing Cubs Uniform For Last Time #~# CHICAGO—Having finished saying goodbye to Cubs players and fans during his final game with the team, manager Lou Piniella won his second World Series Sunday night mere seconds after taking off his uniform. "This is a great way to end my career, no question," a champagne-soaked Piniella told reporters, moments after winning the National League Central while removing his blue-pinstriped Cubs pants and the NLCS after tossing his Cubs hat to the team's equipment manager. "Man, it feels good to finally be on top again." The Chicago Cubs have not won a World Series since 1908.
I Didn't Know I Was Stupid #~# DISCOVERY HEALTH
Ask A Guy Who's Not Doing The Gig For Less Than $200 #~# Dear Guy Who's Not Doing The Gig For Less Than $200,
Honest, Hardworking Man Leans Against Reliable Pickup Truck #~# THE AMERICAN WEST—As early-evening light slanted through the slowly settling dust of a rugged, rustic backdrop, an honest and hardworking man hitched his thumbs into faded jeans, fixed his steel blue eyes on the horizon, and leaned against a reliable American-made pickup truck, sources said Tuesday. Moments after tossing his tools and cargo into the battered but sturdy truck bed—the weight of which caused the chassis to shift satisfyingly from left to right—the man reportedly whistled for his faithful brown dog to jump into the cab of the iconic vehicle, which wore its coating of mud as a general wears his uniform. At press time, strains of an anthemic rock ballad were rising in volume as the truck drove off, kicking up rocks and dirt in a slow-motion testament to simple men everywhere who work with their hands and lead with their hearts.
Judge Halts Embryonic Stem Cell Research #~# A judge issued a temporary injunction Monday that has cut off federal funding of research involving embryonic stem cells. What do you think?
Local Water Tower Celebrates 50th Year As Repository Of Information On Who Is A Slut #~# CONCORDIA, MO—Residents marked the 50th anniversary of the Concordia water tower Tuesday, honoring a structure that for generations has been the community's most comprehensive source of information on who is a slut.
China's Massive Traffic Jam #~# For 10 days, traffic on a 60-mile stretch of highway outside of Bejing has been reduced to a crawl, with many predicting the bottleneck will last until mid-September, when road construction in the area is completed. What do you think?
Mounting Opposition To New York Islamic Center #~# Claiming the neighborhood where the Twin Towers once stood is sacred ground, radical conservative groups are spearheading opposition to the construction of a nearby Muslim community center, a facility that would include a swimming pool and a 9/11 memorial and be located more than two blocks from the attack site. Here are some other projects currently facing controversy:
Sports Movie Protagonist Receives Some Bad News Before Big Game #~# CITY DESPERATELY NEEDING A WIN—Despite his sudden rise from obscurity to become a record-breaking performer, a handsome and seemingly flawless sports film protagonist learned some tragic news Tuesday, completely altering perspectives on the night's championship game. "After he pulled us through that rough patch earlier this season and almost single-handedly turned the team around, it appeared as if we were destined for greatness," said the protagonist's coach, a supporting but important character who is helping the protagonist fulfill his character arc, and who recently got a new lease on life after conquering his problem with alcohol. "But after this, in order to come out on top, we're going to need a kind of performance that challenges our very belief in the power of the human spirit. In fact, I'll just say it: We need a miracle." As of press time, the protagonist was sitting alone at his locker and staring at a photo of his father, while outside, his formerly scorned love interest reportedly pleaded with ticket-takers to let her in.
'We're In This Together, You Guys,' Reports Newest Member Of Crunch Gym #~# NEW YORK—New Crunch member Harold Nguyen baffled fellow gym-goers with his unbridled zeal and mystifying belief that his enthusiasm was shared by those working out around him, sources reported Monday "All right, everybody, the only way to get better is to work harder, right?" Nguyen was heard saying as he failed to generate any camaraderie whatsoever while simultaneously embarrassing everyone in the vicinity. "Come on, guys, push!" Crunch Fitness trainers have reportedly been persistent in their efforts to remind Nguyen that he still has five days to cancel his new membership and receive a full refund.
Smart, Qualified People Behind The Scenes Keeping America Safe: ‘We Don't Exist’ #~# WASHINGTON—Members of the brilliant, highly trained, and dedicated team of elite professionals who work tirelessly behind the scenes to protect our nation and keep its citizens out of harm’s way announced Tuesday that they do not exist.
Alt-Weekly Deathwatch #~# IFC
Stop Making Delicious Food I Can't Stop Eating And Go Back To Mexico #~# This isn't the country I grew up in anymore. It used to be a place where hardworking Americans could make an honest living, support their families, and feel safe walking the streets. It used to be a place that rewarded decency and fairness. But now, thanks to the millions of illegal immigrants crossing our borders every year, all that's changed—and I for one have had enough. So listen up, Mexicans: Stop cooking all that mouthwatering food that I cannot stop consuming and go home!
NFL Punters Lobby Congress For More Fakes #~# WASHINGTON—High-ranking NFL punters met with members of Congress Tuesday to lobby for legislation that would significantly increase the number of fake punts across the league. "Our elected officials must address the lack of opportunities for punters to rush or pass the ball for much needed first downs," Raiders punter Shane Lechler said before the House Ways and Means Committee. "Unfortunately, many teams do not have the confidence to run these trick plays in the most dire of fourth-down situations. You can fix that. If you earmark $10 million for fakes we could drastically improve training, draw up formations that better exploit unsuspecting defenses, and give desperate teams some kind of hope to keep their drives alive." The coalition of NFL punters said they were adamantly opposed to accepting federal funding for fake punts that involved directly snapping the ball to a running back.
Report: 10 Million Killed Annually By Stepping Out Of Comfort Zones #~# WASHINGTON—A new report published this week by the Department of Health and Human Services revealed that more than 10 million Americans are violently killed each year while attempting to break away from their regular everyday routines and try something new. "We found that getting out of your comfort zone and facing your fears resulted in premature death nearly 78 percent of the time," HHS researcher Madeline Hersh said. "People always ask themselves, 'What's the worst that can happen?' Well, according to our research, anything from being bitten by a poisonous snake to dying in a hot-air balloon crash can happen." The report found that the safest individuals were those who surrendered to the soul-crushing monotony of habit and then convinced themselves that they had things pretty good.
Earth's Moon Shrinking #~# Recent analysis of the moon showed geographic features indicating that earth's only natural satellite is gradually contracting. What do you think?
Dexter #~# SHOWTIME
JaMarcus Russell Currently Failing Drug Test #~# LOS ANGELES—Former Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell is currently in a Los Angeles Police Department bathroom failing a drug test, records will confirm Wednesday when the urine sample undergoes its initial toxicology screening. "I don't even know why I'm doing this. I'm totally clean now," Russell said moments ago from behind a closed bathroom-stall door while excreting urea containing high levels of marijuana, OxyContin, cocaine, and methamphetamine. "This is total bullshit, I'm telling you. Ah, shoot! Damn it, my shoes… Hey, man, can you slip me some paper towels? Got a bit of a situation in here." At press time, Russell asked to take the test again after purchasing a bottle of Gatorade he was trying to conceal in his left jacket pocket.
Report: Mom Just Locked Her Door #~# ROANOKE, VA—According to reports from stunned Melberg family sources, Mom just walked up the stairs, slammed the door to her bedroom, and locked it.
Ambassador Holding Phrasebook 'Pretty Sure' She Just Strengthened Ties With Pakistan #~# KARACHI—Armed with a brand-new Urdu phrasebook, the U.S. ambassador to Pakistan, Anne Patterson, said at a press conference Wednesday that she was "fairly certain" she had strengthened her country's bonds of friendship with Pakistan during a recent trip to the country. "Pakistan is an important partner in the region, and I got the general sense that I successfully affirmed our everlasting commitment to their great nation," said Patterson, who described a much-needed moment of levity during the talks when she may or may not have made a joke about growing up in Arkansas. "And, judging by the way [Pakistani ambassador Husain Haqqani] smiled when I was done talking, America has committed an additional $60 million in aid for victims of the recent floods. Unless it was $600 million." Haq≠qani told reporters he speaks fluent English.
U.S. Call Centers Cost Same As India #~# According to the head of the largest call center outsourcing firm in the country, the poor job market has made the cost of hiring a call center worker in the United States the same as hiring one in India. What do you think?
Little League World Series Player Ejected For Arguing With Umpire About 'Avatar: The Last Airbender' #~# WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Hamilton West Side's shortstop Tyson Baker, 11, was ejected in the fourth inning of Saturday's Little League World Series game after arguing with the umpire over a controversial call that Appa the flying bison was the best character on Avatar: The Last Airbender. "What are you blind? Aang is totally better," said Baker, who kicked dirt on home plate and threw his bat down the first-base line. "That's such bullcrap. Aang can make a ball of air and sit on it to fly around. Appa is just a flying cow. You're such an idiot that you probably liked it when Aang and Katara kissed." The umpire reportedly decided to toss Baker from the game after the 11-year-old accused him of wanting to be best friends with Fire Lord Ozai.
Mysterious Crate Arrives From London #~# DOCKSIDE, NEW ENGLAND—Witnesses were reportedly baffled by both the provenance and contents of a mysterious box which, constructed of stout heart-of-oak and bound in cold iron, was brought the quay Thursday night by the H.M.S. Redoubtable, arriving from London after a passage fraught with misadventure.
Obama To Create 17 New Jobs By Resigning And Finally Opening That Restaurant #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to counter the highest unemployment rate the nation has faced in a quarter century, Barack Obama announced Monday that he will create 17 new jobs by resigning from the presidency to pursue his lifelong dream of opening a cozy little down-home restaurant just off the Galesburg, IL exit on Interstate 74. "Now is the time for drastic measures, and the several line-cook and serving positions that will be generated by Barry's Place are imperative to getting the economy back on track," said Obama, donning a white apron over rolled-up shirtsleeves. "The hope is that this bold initiative will demonstrate to other American business owners that it is possible to break the cycle after they somehow get sucked into politics and things snowball so fast that they lose sight of what's really important, like serving people the best slice of pecan pie they've ever tasted at a price that can't be beat." Vice President Joe Biden has reportedly followed Obama's entrepreneurial lead by purchasing a secondhand cologne and condom vending machine that will be installed in the men's bathroom of a Wilmington, DE offtrack betting parlor.
More Teens Suffering Hearing Loss #~# An analysis of data over a 15-year period shows that 19.5 percent of teens have experienced hearing loss, an increase of nearly a third that is mostly attributable to earbud use. What do you think?
Golf's More Obscure Rules #~# When Dustin Johnson grounded his club at Whistling Straits, he unknowingly took a two-stroke penalty and brought some of golf's unusual regulations into the spotlight.
164 Closeted Gay Men Having Impressive NFL Preseason #~# RUTHERFORD, NJ—As the first round of preseason games drew to a close Monday, NFL sources reported that the league's 164 closeted gay players were turning in excellent performances across the board as they battled for roster positions on the league's 32 teams.
Trivial Point Of Order Electrifies Golf World #~# SHEBOYGAN, WI—A niggling little golf rule unheard of by most Americans infused the PGA Tour with more excitement last week than at any other time this season, tour officials, fans, and players confirmed Sunday. "Dustin Johnson illegally grounding his club because of an inability to determine whether or not he was in a sand trap or waste area was exactly the shot in the arm the PGA Tour needed," Commissioner Tim Finchem told a throng of excited reporters, referring to the minor rules violation that eliminated the 26-year-old golfer from a playoff to determine the PGA champion and galvanized fans worldwide. "Rule 13-4 is just awesome. Only golf can bring that kind of excitement." Finchem said he hasn't been this energized about the game since Phil Mickelson's wedge controversy back in January.
Great American Sister-in-Laws #~# HISTORY
Here's To The Next 40 Years Of Jean! #~# Okay, Jeanketeers, deep breath: On Aug. 9, I finally hit the big four-oh (the "oh" is for "Oh, my God!"). I know this comes as a shock to many of you, as I've played very coy about my actual age for the entire 20 years I've written my column. And up until the day itself, I was quite content to conceal this personal milestone from the world!
Person With Almost No Responsibility Always Stressed Out #~# RALEIGH, NC—Friends of local man James Perry, reported Tuesday that the 29-year-old somehow lives in a perpetual state of anxiety and agitation despite of his total lack of any meaningful personal or professional responsibilities. "He rushes around all panicked every morning grumbling that he's running late," Ryan Maynard said of his roommate Perry, whose frequent sighs of frustration and unending claims of exhaustion belie the fact that no children, sick relatives, or even casual girlfriends depend on his emotional support or the income of his part-time job working for his uncle. "James sleeps more than anyone I know, yet every other week he complains about how he's feeling sick and desperately needs a vacation." Perry was unavailable for comment, telling reporters that he was "totally swamped" with a bunch of work and personal stuff.
Israeli Ex-Soldier In Facebook Photo Controversy #~# A former Israeli soldier is under fire for posting photos on her Facebook page in which she poses with bound Palestinian prisoners. What do you think?
Hollywood Rangers To Manage Overpopulation Problem By Killing Off 1,200 Celebrities #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Calling current population levels "wildly unsustainable," rangers from the Federal Bureau of Celebrity Conservation announced this week their plan to eliminate some 1,200 celebrities from the Hollywood region.
Flight Attendant Shines Light On Problem Customers #~# Ever since Jet Blue employee Steven Slater made headlines for cursing out an unruly flyer on a plane's PA system and escaping down the emergency chute, more flight attendants have been speaking out about mistreatment at the hands of passengers. Here are some of their most common complaints:
China Now Second Biggest Economy #~# With a $1.337 trillion gross domestic product last quarter, China surpassed Japan as the world's second largest economy. What do you think?
Ochocinco, Owens Preparing Touchdown Celebration Opera #~# CINCINNATI—Bengals wide receivers Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens reportedly stayed late after practice Tuesday to begin writing the libretto and music for, and start preliminary blocking on, a new touchdown-celebration opera. "Me and T.O. have both been working really hard on these tight arias that really capture the awesome feeling of scoring a touchdown," said Ochocinco, attaching a Phantom Of The Opera mask to his helmet. "And the Italian lyrics sound so romantic and kind of sexy, not like that German stuff. The good thing about T.O. is that he sings in this rich, full baritone, but he can also go up into head voice and sing in this sweet-ass falsetto. It's good shit." Owens, who is currently attempting to secure a block of seats near the end zone for the orchestra, said the touchdown-celebration opera would be two hours and 30 minutes in length, with one short intermission to allow for costume changes.
Area Woman Thinks She Could Live In City She's Visiting #~# SAN FRANCISCO—After a few close friends personally escorted her around San Francisco's nicest parks, restaurants, and shopping centers, Virginia-native and first-time visitor Lori Timlin reported Sunday that she could envision herself living in the one of the nation's most expensive cities. "I can really see myself in one of those great big houses up on that hill, or maybe in an apartment overlooking the water," said the 28-year-old paralegal, whose friends had strategically steered her away from the city's aggressive homeless population and infuriating public transportation system. "How could you not want to live in a sparklingly clean city with such a perfect warm and sunny climate all year round?" During a four-hour layover at O'Hare Intern≠ational Airport on her trip back home, Timlin concluded she could never, ever live in Chicago.
Obama Declares Victory, Sort Of, Depending On How You Look At It, In Iraq #~# CAMP SPRINGS, MD—Addressing troops at Andrews Air Force Base Tuesday, President Barack Obama claimed victory in Iraq, saying that formal combat operations in the region would end Aug. 31, and that the United States had emerged from the seven-year war triumphant, kind of.
Parrot-lel Lives #~# ANIMAL
It's Nice We Can Finally Look Back On That Whole Oil Spill And Laugh #~# It's often said that with time and distance comes perspective; that nothing is ever as bad as it initially seems. Well, in the case of the BP oil spill, which—if you can even remember this far back—happened in the spring and summer of 2010, truer words have never been spoken.
Report: Still 12,000 More Games Left In 2010 Baseball Season #~# NEW YORK—With the All-Star Game a distant memory and opening day almost 62,000 games ago, Major League Baseball teams still have 12,000 more games to play before the start of the 2010 playoffs. "It's certainly a very long season," said 32-year-old Chicago resident Doug Meyer, adding that he stopped paying attention to baseball after his Cubs lost their 18,000th game, which put them half a million games out of first place. "I was actually surprised to learn there were only 12,000 games left, because to me it feels like there are 20- or 40,000 more. In fact, sometimes it seems like the season will never end at all." Meyer later tried to remember if a team plays 90,162 games in a season or† 90,161.
Candidate To Accuse Opponent Of Racism Just To See What Happens #~# NEW YORK—With polls showing him trailing in New York's Republican primary race for U.S. Senate, candidate David Malpass told reporters Friday he planned to accuse his opponent Bruce Blakeman of racism just to see if it caught on with anybody. "It couldn't hurt, so I might as well give it a shot," said Malpass, explaining that his campaign had whipped up an ad accusing Blakeman of making disparaging remarks about Hispanic-Americans. "I'll just kind of float the idea and see if it gets any traction. If it does, fantastic; if not, well, I wasn't really married to it anyway." According to sources, Malpass then shrugged.
Humans Used Tools Earlier Than Thought #~# According to the current issue of Nature, scientists found two scored mammal bones demonstrating that humanoids used tools to cut meat 3.39 million years ago, nearly a million years earlier than previously thought. What do you think?
Mangini Urges Browns Players Not To Say Who They're Going To Kill Over Twitter #~# CLEVELAND—Coach Eric Mangini issued a stern warning to the Browns Monday, dissuading players from using Twitter or other social networking sites to identify any person or persons they plan to murder. "What you do on your free time is your own business, but you represent this organization and you need to think before saying something stupid that ends up all over the Internet," Mangini was overheard telling his players following their morning workout. "Now, nobody is saying that you can't have Twitter accounts or that you can't kill people, but keep it between you, your family, and the person you are killing. The last thing you want to do is create bulletin-board material for the police." Mangini also asked players to stop repeatedly posting "The Browns suck!" on Facebook.
Desperate Pandora Employees Scrambling To Find Song Area Man Likes #~# OAKLAND, CA—The headquarters of personalized online music provider Pandora remained in a state of chaos Thursday as frantic workers struggled to find a song that 32-year-old Boston subscriber Dave Lipton would enjoy.
Wildlife Cleaning Volunteer Stuck With The Gulls Again #~# HOUMA, LA—Though her training qualifies her to clean any animal affected by the Gulf oil spill, wildlife rehabilitation volunteer Betsy Morris told reporters Tuesday that she somehow always ends up tending to the goddamn seagulls. "I really want to do my part to help, but I swear to God, I've had it with these things," Morris said as she used a soft toothbrush to loosen particles of encrusted oil from the eyes of her 14th gull of the morning. "They're cantankerous, they shit on you like crazy, and you have not heard shrieking until you've heard a gull shrieking from literally 6 inches in front of your face." At press time, Morris was seen gazing longingly at a fellow volunteer who was bathing a playful otter in warm, sudsy water.
'Cathy' Coming To An End #~# Cathy Guisewite, the creator of Cathy, is ending her syndicated daily comic strip after 34 years. What do you think?
Mad Men #~# AMC
Jamie Oliver's Armed Revolution #~# BBCA
Shaq To Solidify Celtics' Ability To Get 3-Second Violations #~# BOSTON—NBA analyst David Aldridge said Wednesday that with the addition of Shaquille O'Neal, the Celtics have vastly improved their chances of leading the league in three-second lane violations for the 2010–2011 season. "Not only does Shaq's presence in the paint give his team more opportunities to turn the ball over, but the Celtics have also added an experienced big man who makes an already old team significantly older," said Aldridge, adding that O'Neal should fill a key role in terms of drastically slowing down the Celtics' offense. "Danny Ainge was looking for someone with size who can't make it down to the other end of the court, and he went out and got the best in the business." Aldridge added that while O'Neal isn't the dominant force he once was, he believes Shaq still has a thing or two to teach teams who think it's a good idea to sign him.
New Edition Of Bible Specifically Mentions Second Amendment #~# CHICAGO—A new translation of the Bible released this week directly mentions the Second Amendment on eight occasions, and includes a version of Psalm 23 that begins, “The Lord is my shepherd, and the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” Positive early feedback praised the new edition for its clean design, readability, and beautiful rendering of proverbs that condemn the foolish ban on semiautomatic weapons for personal use. “For the Lord your God walks in the midst of your camp, to deliver you and give your enemies over to you,” Deuteronomy 23:14 reads. “Your camp shall be holy, and if that means exercising your constitutional right to purchase a firearm, then that’s your own damn business.” The leather-bound book also comes with a handsomely crafted carrying case and a fully loaded, custom-monogrammed Glock 17 9mm.
Employees Suspect Old Man Came To Roy Rogers To Die #~# ALLENTOWN, PA—According to morning-shift employees at the Roy Rogers restaurant off Route 114, the elderly man seated alone in the back corner booth appears to be intent on dying there.
Shrimp Boat Captain Worn Out From Long Day Of Putting Human Face On Crisis #~# VENICE, LA—Fourth-generation shrimp boat captain Buford Comeaux said Wednesday that he was wiped out from a 14-hour day spent personifying the human toll of the BP oil spill in the media. "They get me out of bed at the crack of dawn, and they make me do interviews all morning," said Comeaux, 49, who acknowledged he had lost track of how many times he had uttered the phrase 'shrimping is all I know' since the disaster began in April. "Then the rest of the day they take pictures of me staring at my empty trawl, holding my wife's hand on the living-room sofa, or gazing out at the Gulf from the deck of my boat. God, I could just collapse right here." Comeaux reportedly slept heavily for four hours before waking at sunrise so CNN could shoot some B-roll of him walking forlornly down a pier.
Medical Tourism May Spread Superbug #~# A new strain of bacteria that is immune to most antibiotics has been found in patients who underwent surgery in India, and its imminent spread is worrying experts. What do you think?
Recent Highlights From Lesser-Known Sports #~# As the sports world slows down for the summer, we take the opportunity to review what's been happening in less-heralded arenas of competition.
Tiger Woods Hits Rock Bottom, Aside from Being Worth Over $600 Million #~# AKRON, OH—Tiger Woods scored a career-worst 18-over-par finish at the Bridgestone Invitational Sunday, officially hitting rock bottom if one ignores the fact that he is worth over $600 million, is still the world's No. 1–ranked golfer, never has to work another day for the rest of his life, and has millions of fans worldwide. "Four rounds in the mid-to-high 70s, and finishing 78th out of 80 golfers—it simply can't get any worse for Tiger," ESPN golf analyst Andy North said of Woods, who left Sunday's round in his private jet and who, despite a damaging sex scandal, still earned more than $90 million in 2010. "Nowhere to go from here but up, [or sail up and down the California coast in his yacht for the rest of his life if he wants to]." Woods was unable to comment on reaching his personal low point, as he was too busy checking into the penthouse suite of his four-star hotel and deciding if he wanted the 12-ounce or 16-ounce filet for dinner.
Florida Marlins Delay Game Until Their Fan Shows Up #~# MIAMI—The Florida Marlins delayed the start of their game against the St. Louis Cardinals last Sunday when Steve, their fan, failed to show up at Sun Life Stadium by the scheduled 1 p.m. start time.
Who's More Tired? #~# TLC
If I Hadn't Found Jesus, I'd Feel Pretty Shitty About My Crimes #~# The first few months behind bars were the worst of my life. Every night I'd stare into the darkness, waiting for the nightmares, waiting to hear those horrible screams all over again. Even here behind these thick penitentiary walls, there was no hiding from what I'd done to that poor family.
Man Read Somewhere They Proved Thing He Just Made Up #~# BALTIMORE—After being questioned about the thing he had just made up in conversation Tuesday, 37-year-old Paul Rosada explained to those around him that, not only was his fabrication true, but he had recently read somewhere that it had been definitively proven. "You didn't hear about that?" asked Rosada, saying he probably still had the article at home, though he might have thrown it out. "It's probably online. I'll send you a link." Rosada added he was particularly surprised no one knew about the thing he had completely invented because he heard on the radio that they were making a documentary about it.
Radioactive Boars Roaming Germany #~# Nearly 25 years after the nuclear power plant disaster in Chernobyl, Germany is faced with a booming population of irradiated boars. What do you think?
Americans Demand Crispier Outside #~# NEW YORK—Millions of outraged consumers assembled across the nation Tuesday to demand a crispier outside, insisting that it also be made available in a number of great-tasting varieties and at a price that won't break the bank.
Bears Spend Entire Day Waiting Around For Mike Martz To Install High-Powered Offense #~# CHICAGO—Bears players and coaches spent their first day of training camp Monday waiting for new offensive coordinator Mike Martz to install their much-anticipated high-powered offense, a system Martz originally claimed he would have up and running "right away." "First he showed up late, then he spent most of the morning just figuring out where we want to put the receivers," said Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, adding that his concerns about the installation were directed to Martz's "unhelpful" technical staff. "He was promising us all these huge gains in performance, and said he could give us a bunch of special drills, but honestly, I just want the most basic offense out there." At press time, head coach Lovie Smith had been on hold with Martz for the past three hours.
Proposition 8 Overturned #~# Last week, a federal judge ruled that California's same-sex marriage ban was unconstitutional, leaving many proponents of Proposition 8 scrambling for new ways to stop gay marriage. Here are some of their strategies:
NFL Fans Turn Out In Droves To Watch Men Touch Cones #~# NEW YORK—Fans of professional football turned out more than 100,000 strong last week to watch grown men perform calisthenics, huddle around one another, and even run up to and touch orange cones, spokesmen for the NFL said Wednesday. "There is nothing better than driving to Green Bay to see real, full-fledged adults dress up in team-colored gym shorts and T-shirts and jog around the practice field in a desultory fashion," Chicago resident Jan Bryant told reporters. "Sit-ups, squats, and milling around and taking water breaks… You just never know what amazing stuff you're going to see at training camp." While the NFL would not comment on plans for the second week of training camp, fans were excited by rumors that some teams were planning a session of throwing and catching an actual football.
Visiting Chinese PM Presents Obama With 'The Expendables' On DVD #~# WASHINGTON—At a Rose Garden ceremony Tuesday, visiting Chinese prime minister Wen Jiabao presented President Barack Obama with a DVD of the forthcoming action film The Expendables, which opens nationwide Aug. 13. "I offer this gift humbly, as a gesture of goodwill from the Chinese people and as a symbol of the enduring bond of friendship and cooperation between our two nations," Wen said through a translator before posing for photographs in which he and Obama together held the DVD case, which features a blurry, photocopied image of the film's poster and misspells Sylvester Stallone. "We hope that you will enjoy it. And watch for the Bruce Willis and [Arnold] Schwarzenegger cameos—they're pretty cool." Obama politely accepted the gift despite the fact that he had already purchased a copy last week during a trip to New York City.
Diamond Dave Back With Van Halen #~# According to an announcement from Warner Music Group, David Lee Roth will be rejoining Van Halen for a new album and a tour in 2011. What do you think?
Millions Of Barrels Of Oil Safely Reach Port In Major Environmental Catastrophe #~# PORT FOURCHON, LA—In what may be the greatest environmental disaster in the nation's history, the supertanker TI Oceania docked without incident at the Louisiana Offshore Oil Port Monday and successfully unloaded 3.1 million barrels of dangerous crude oil into the United States.
Secret Recipe #~# USA
Look, Are We Going To Spend The Rest Of This Board Meeting Talking About Why I'm Covered In Blood And Feces Or Are We Going To Talk Business? #~# All right, gentlemen, I understand the circumstances are perhaps a bit unusual, but we're already behind schedule and we still have much to cover. Therefore, if everyone has their copy of the Samuelson Report, I suggest we move ahead to the items on page three, where it's been noted… All right, everyone. All right. Let's just get this out of the way.
Pirates Mathematically Eliminated From Major League Baseball #~# PITTSBURGH—After losing their fifth straight game Monday, the Pittsburgh Pirates were mathematically eliminated from Major League Baseball, having fallen to a 36-69 record that officially disqualified the team from ever playing the sport again. "Eventually it comes to a point where there just aren't enough future games to turn things around for a baseball team," manager John Russell said following a 4-0 loss to the Reds that ended the Pirates franchise. "I had high hopes that we would go deeper into our regular seasons, but truthfully, we've been playing so lousy for the last 18 years that even if we got to our 106th game we wouldn't have been able to contend." In response to the Pirates' getting knocked out of professional baseball forever, Pittsburgh fans said that they were frankly relieved.
Hillary Clinton Drags Taliban Leader's Body Through Streets Of Kabul #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—As members of the international press looked on, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton rode on horseback through the streets of Kabul Monday, dragging the mutilated remains of Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Jalil through the dirt behind her. "Graaaaaggghh!" Clinton shouted as a frenzied crowd of supporters shot AK-47s into the air. Earlier in the day, Clinton had led a band of mercenaries through rugged mountain terrain to hunt down Jalil, whom the former senator eviscerated with a single stroke of her gleaming scimitar. U.S. soldiers marched alongside the triumphant, blood-soaked Clinton to the center of Kabul, where she ordered the Taliban leader's gutted body be hung from the town's tallest spire, where "all may behold it." White House sources confirmed that upon returning to Washington, Secretary Clinton burst into the Oval Office, threw Jalil's head down on the president's desk, and let out a deafening war cry.
Mary Hart Leaving 'Entertainment Tonight' #~# Entertainment Tonight cohost Mary Hart announced that she would leave the venerable entertainment news program after this, her 30th season. What do you think?
LaDainian Tomlinson Enters Camp In Top Week-3, 2nd-Quarter, 4th-Offensive-Series Form #~# CORTLAND, NY—Jets coaches praised the conditioning of 10-year veteran LaDainian Tomlinson Monday, saying the running back showed up for camp in the shape typical of a player midway through the fourth offensive series of the second quarter of the third game of the season. "We were worried that he'd come to camp looking like a player in the third series of the fourth quarter during a Week 15 game, third down, four yards to go, deep in his own territory with the clock running. It's a concern, given his age," head coach Rex Ryan told reporters. "At best, we expected him to work out like a running back in the ninth play of a clock-burning drive in the second quarter on the road against a division opponent's 4-3 defense that has been sniffing out the play-action all day, but LaDainian's fitness is a nice surprise." Reporters observing the Jets' workout say the rest of the team's offense is playing at its usual second-week-of-summer-school-at-a-technical-college level.
Hanged #~# HBO
Visine Introduces New Eye-Whitening Strips #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—The Johnson and Johnson company unveiled its new Visine-brand "Eye-Bright" whitening strips Tuesday, an over-the-counter product designed to reduce unsightly stains in bloodshot and yellowed eyeballs. "If you're one of the millions who suffer from embarrassing ocular discoloration, this is the remedy you've been waiting for," spokeswoman Bonnie Jacob said of the adhesive strip, which, according to instructions, should be smoothed over an open eye, left on overnight while it fastens to the cornea, and then peeled off along with a thick membrane of broken capillaries and undesirable pigmentation. "Eye-Bright gets your eyeballs up to six shades whiter, thanks to a unique formula that penetrates optical tissues to scrub out ugly blotches at their source." Jacob added that consumers should discontinue use if swollen eyes reach billiard-ball size or sudden eruptions of vitreous fluid occur.
Kagan Confirmed To Supreme Court #~# With her confirmation by the U.S. Senate Thursday, former Harvard Law School dean Elena Kagan becomes the fourth woman to serve on the Supreme Court. What do you think?
Man Lives In Futuristic Sci-Fi World Where All His Interactions Take Place In Cyberspace #~# LINCOLNWOOD, IL—It's Tuesday morning and Michael Royce, 27, is about to begin his day. Steeling himself for the wild journey ahead, this bold techno-traveler coolly presses a button, boots up his mainframe, and jacks into a strange, high-tech futurescape.
Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—The State of Illinois acknowledged last week that in an effort to stay afloat during the worst financial crisis in its history, it had begun performing in adult films.
Boeing Lays Off Only Guy Who Knows How To Keep Wings On Plane #~# CHICAGO—With the airline industry continuing to suffer under the ongoing recession, the Boeing Company was forced Monday to lay off Al Freedman, the only guy left at the corporation who knows how to keep wings from falling off planes. "We used to have a whole team of engineers who knew how to make the wings stay on, but those days are long gone," Boeing CEO James McNerney, Jr. said. "We'll make it work, though. The wings are not necessarily the most important part of the plane, anyway." McNerney added that at least they were able to save the job of the guy who knows how to prevent jet engines from exploding.
Joblessness Not A Factor In Stimulus Money #~# A survey of the distribution of federal stimulus money reveals that states with the highest unemployment are among those receiving the least recovery funding. What do you think?
The Quotable Ozzie Guillen #~# The colorful White Sox manager is in the spotlight for comments about supposed favoritism toward Asian players, but it isn't the first time he's had something to say.
'Sports Illustrated' Sends Out Army Of Peter Kings To Cover NFL Training Camp #~# NEW YORK—Looking to cover every possible angle of NFL training camp, Sports Illustrated has once again unleashed its army of 350,000 Peter King clones on the preseason workout facilities of all 32 NFL teams.
Mike Shanahan Cancels Rest Of Redskins Practices: 'We're As Good As We Can Get' #~# ASHBURN, VA—Discouraged by player performance during workouts, drills, meetings, and stretching exercises, head coach Mike Shanahan canceled the Redskins' remaining 2010–2011 practices Wednesday, conceding that no amount of training could possibly improve the team. "I'm just wasting their time and mine by making them show up," Shanahan told reporters Wednesday. "It's important to know your players' limitations and realize that nobody is going to learn the playbook, pay attention to basic instructions, or avoid injuries when putting on their pads. We're done." Shanahan reportedly came to his decision after witnessing an exhausted Redskins player decide to do the rest of a sit-up later.
Interdiction #~# A&E;
In This Family We Maintain The Ways Of The Old Suburb #~# If there is one constant in life, it is change. Everyone knows this, yet it comes so quickly that it can swallow you up and sweep you away without warning. But just as change can breathe new life, so too can it destroy all that we hold dear. I have seen it many times before, and I see it now in my own children. We must not sacrifice who we are. We must be vigilant. We must be strong.
'Modern Family' Appears At 9 p.m. Just As Prophesied In 'TV Guide' #~# NEW YORK—As it has since the time before the Dawning of Color, the wise oracle TV Guide channeled visions from beyond the veil of this world last week to foretell the Wednesday night airing of Modern Family on ABC. "The hit family sitcom that everybody can relate to has appeared this night at nine o'clock in the East and eight o'clock Central, precisely as the Guide has preordained," said Minneapolis-area subscriber Randy Tedeschi, who also noted the accuracy of the text's prediction that the Dunphy-Pritchett clan would be too busy with personal commitments to appear in a nice family photo, greatly vexing Claire. "One wonders if this week's prophesy of another appearance at the same time next week will also prove true." Closer study revealed the all-knowing seers of TV Guide somehow divined that Wednesday's episode would be a repeat.
FBI Demands Wikipedia Pull Down Seal #~# The FBI sent Wikipedia a letter telling the user-edited encyclopedia to remove an image of the bureau’s seal. What do you think?
Cult Divided On Whether To Let Women Become Telepathic-Vision Clerics #~# KLAMATH FALLS, OR—According to sources within the Seventh Light compound, a rift has recently emerged within the cult over the question of whether to ordain female disciples as telepathic-vision clerics.
Senate Unable To Get Enough Republican Votes To Honor 'To Kill A Mockingbird' #~# WASHINGTON—Unable to find a single Republican senator willing to break ranks and support the measure, Senate Democrats failed Thursday to stop the filibuster of S. 6253, a one-page resolution recognizing the 50th anniversary of Harper Lee's To Kill A Mockingbird. "We almost had Scott Brown (R-MA) on board, but he balked when members of his party insisted the book only be commended if its court-room scenes were shortened a bit and the setting changed to Nebraska," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), explaining the procedural difficulties in passing legislation to honor the classic tale of a small-town lawyer's tireless efforts to defend an innocent man. "If we'd agreed to all their compromises, we'd have wound up with a watered-down version of the novel containing only seven of its original 31 chapters." At press time, Republicans said they would be willing to resume negotiations if the beloved work of American literature is revised so that Tom Robinson is a small-businessman wrongly accused of failing to provide employees with health benefits and Scout is a boy.
Michigan Also Hit By Oil Spill #~# BP's oil spill has proven to be the worst ecological disaster in U.S. history, and with attention focused on the accident in the Gulf, many others—such as a pipeline leak that recently dumped 800,000 gallons of oil into a Michigan river—have been overshadowed. Here are a few that have been lost in the shuffle:
Confusion Among Boxing's Sanctioning Bodies Results In Manny Pacquiao Fighting Self For 3 Separate Belts #~# LAS VEGAS—The World Boxing Organization, International Boxing Federation, and World Boxing Association held separate press conferences Monday resulting in the eventual announcement that Manny "Pride of the Philippines" Pacquiao, a seven-time world champion, would fight Manny "The Mexicutioner" Pacquiao, considered the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world, in a title bout on New Year's Eve. "We are proud to have the world's top welterweight fighting the world's best lightweight for the light-middleweight title of the world," an amalgam of press releases from the three bodies read in part. "This New Year's, the eyes of the boxing world will be on Atlantic City, Memphis, and San Juan. Also Las Vegas, if Pacquiao gains the weight to move up to the light-heavyweight division so he can finally fight Pacquiao." Meanwhile, representatives of the World Boxing Council have continued to struggle with staging their own world-title bout, which was marred when Floyd Mayweather, Jr. suffered a shattered cheekbone during his weigh-in, having struck himself repeatedly in the face before handlers could separate him.
Neighbors' Wi-Fi Password Must Be Something Good #~# CHICAGO—After exhausting all the obvious candidates, laptop user Ted Murphy concluded Thursday that the Wi-Fi password of the Ostermann family next door must be something pretty good. "Well, this is a tough little nut to crack," Murphy said following a half hour of failed efforts to access the Internet without moving from his sofa. "It's not 'password,' 'ostermann,' '123456,' or the name of any family member or pet. I'll be damned—they really put some thought into this one." If his next 20 or so attempts fail, Murphy said he would just try joining the network known only as Linksys.
Obama Confirms Iraq Pullout #~# In a speech before the Disabled American Veterans convention, President Obama reaffirmed plans to remove troops from Iraq at the end of this month, but acknowledged there may yet be more fighting. What do  you think?
DHS Releases 5 Terrorists Into U.S. To Test National Security #~# WASHINGTON—As part of its routine series of preparedness drills aimed at testing national security, the Department of Homeland Security announced Monday that it had set free the five most deadly foreign terrorists in U.S. custody.
Extorting Bruce Boxleitner #~# BRAVO
I'm The Reason There Are Signs Warning You Not To Play On The Luggage Conveyor Belt #~# The next time you're waiting at the airport baggage claim, thinking maybe you'll treat yourself to a little spin on the conveyor belt—feel its twists and turns as you watch the world slide by—I suggest you think again. Because those bright red signs that clearly say "Danger! Please Stand Back" and "Do Not Sit or Play on Baggage-Claim Machinery" are there for a very good reason.
Mom Finally Drunk Enough To Put On Bathing Suit #~# GALVESTON, TX—Members of the Morris family reported that after two margaritas at the Hilton Island Resort bar on Saturday, mom Helen Morris reached the level of intoxication necessary to don her bathing suit. The 48-year-old announced her intention to get the family fun time underway by going down to the hotel's indoor pool, saying she didn't give a wet fig who was looking. "Okay, I'm ready!" said Morris, stepping out of the bathroom. "Let's go have some fun!" Without even a towel to cover her midsection during the journey from hotel room to pool area, the slightly tipsy Morris spent 20 minutes swimming and another 10 in the hot tub, after which she reportedly returned to her room to sleep it off.
NASCAR To Abandon Racing Portion Of Business, Concentrate On Ads #~# NEW YORK—In a move designed to bring their business closer to its core values, top NASCAR officials announced Monday that from now on, rather than racing to determine a winner, advertising-bedecked cars would slowly circle the track in a noncompetitive marketing parade set to begin with next year's Daytona 500. "Declining revenue made us take a closer look at the sport, and we found that many fans couldn't even see the logos and graphics on cars when all that high-speed racing was taking place," NASCAR president Mike Helton said. "Now that we've eliminated the competitive aspect, we're also free to give our fans what they've been asking for: new advertising on the track, flashier ads applied during pit stops, and a safer, more relaxing marketing environment overall." Fans objecting to the move were encouraged to take advantage of NASCAR's wide array of newly available advertising space to voice their concerns.
Rangel Going To Trial Over Ethics Charges #~# Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY) will face 13 charges of violating congressional ethics rules and guidelines, including accepting gifts over $50 and failing to report rental income on a beach villa in the Dominican Republic. What do you think?
High School Madrigal 2: Going For Baroque #~# DISNEY
Indians Apologize For Not Having Ace Pitcher To Trade To Contender This Year #~# CLEVELAND—Addressing fans, rival MLB teams, and commissioner Bud Selig, Indians general manager Mark Shapiro delivered a heartfelt apology Tuesday, lamenting the lack of a Cy Young Award–winning pitcher his team could trade to a legitimate contender. "I apologize, especially to the large-market teams like the Yankees and the Red Sox, that we don't have a starter like Cliff Lee or CC Sabathia whom we can give away for next to nothing," said Shapiro, adding that he feels "just awful" that teams have worked so hard this season and the Indians have no way to help them. "But I assure you, we've been developing a number of prospects we soon won't be able to afford." Shapiro, who said the Indians really had no need for a closer, claimed the team was willing to part with reliever Chris Perez for $5,000 and a new baseline field marker.
CVS Now Selling Cheaper, CVS-Brand 'People' Magazine #~# WOONSOCKET, RI—In an effort to provide a budget-conscious equivalent to People magazine, CVS drugstores nationwide began selling the store-brand CVS Celebrity Magazine on Wednesday. "We think our publication is comparable in quality to the big name-brand magazines, but with an obvious cost-savings advantage," said night pharmacist and editor-in-chief Marvin Kuppering, showing reporters a grainy photo of Angelina Jolie's elbow that will appear in next week's Beach Bodies section. "Whether you want to read about Michael Chiklis' trip to Nevada to visit his aunt, or see who won our annual 'Handsomest Fellow in the World' award, CVS Celebrity Magazine has it all." Kuppering went on to hint at an upcoming exclusive lid-blower concerning Tom Arnold and the Los Angeles Parking Violations Bureau.
Sherrod To Sue Breitbart #~# Shirley Sherrod, the former U.S. Department of Agriculture employee who lost her job because a heavily edited video posted online made her look like a racist, plans on suing blogger Andrew Breitbart for posting it. What do you think?
Recently Single Al Gore Finally Able To Listen To W.A.S.P. Albums #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Finally unhindered by his wife Tipper’s 25-year-long household ban on violent and sexually explicit music, former vice president Al Gore, 62, reportedly embraced his newfound independence this week by listening to the albums of the heavy metal band W.A.S.P.
Open Widest #~# BRAVO
Los Angeles Has Hottest Day Ever #~# Following a very moderate summer, temperatures in Los Angeles reached an all-time high of 113 degrees Fahrenheit this week. What do you think?
For A Few Months, I Had It All #~# Hola, amigos. What's up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been stressin' like a Hessian over the amount of shit going on. First off, I had to replace my rear wheel bearings again, making this the third time since I owned this piece of crap Festiva that I had to do that.
Quiet Riot Speaks Out Against Nation's Poor Metal Health Care #~# LOS ANGELES—In their first public appearance since breaking up three years ago, surviving members of the hard-rock band Quiet Riot reunited Friday to raise awareness of the urgent need for metal health care reform. "The state of affairs in this country is enough to make most citizens want to bang their heads—in fact, it will drive them mad," said drummer Frankie Banali, explaining that many metal health plans no longer cover rudimentary procedures such as girls rocking their boys. "Sadly, the number of people seeking the help of metal health professionals has declined by more than 99 percent since our first hit in 1983. The situation is dire." The band went on to state that former lead singer Kevin DuBrow, who died in 2007, would have wanted all Americans to have equal access to the padded cells, straitjackets, and steel face masks so urgently needed by the metally ill.
Script Has Been Floating Around Hollywood For 75 Years #~# Has Had More Than 250 Stars And 300 Directors Attached, Been Rewritten 600 Times
New Cartoon May Violate FCC Regulations #~# Last week the Federal Communications Commission opened an inquiry into claims that the Nicktoons cartoon Zevo-3 violates advertising rules because its characters originated in Skechers shoe commercials. Here are some other shows that have raised alarms for inappropriate marketing:
Report: Majority Of College Football Fans Way Too Into Favorite Teams #~# INDIANAPOLIS—According to a yearlong study released Monday by the NCAA, 87 percent of college football fans are "way, way too into" their favorite teams. "The degree to which collegiate football dominates the conversation, correspondence, Internet use, mode of dress, and television habits of its fans, especially during the season, intrudes on nearly every aspect of their daily lives," the report read in part, explaining that many casual football fans found their more-invested counterparts either annoying, brainwashed, or slightly pathetic for being so emotionally invested in the lives of 20-year-old boys. "In almost a quarter of cases, fans interviewed were unable to go three sentences without alluding to college football in some way. Moreover, Auburn sucks; rammer jammer, yellowhammer." NCAA researchers apologized for the lateness of the report, which was conducted last season but suspended in the spring due to unavoidable conflicts with March Madness.
'With Binomials, Just Remember FOIL,' Reports Man Keeping Teens From Having Sex Between 2:30 And 3:20 #~# BEDFORD, NY—”When multiplying binomials, just remember the acronym FOIL,” a man said Friday, thereby preventing a classroom of teenagers from engaging in rampant, uncontrolled sexual intercourse for the 50-minute period between 2:30 and 3:20 p.m. “It’s easy: The product of two binomials is the sum of the products of the first terms, the outer terms, the inner terms, and the last terms,” explained the man, unaware that if he were to turn off his overhead projector and leave the room the rush of hormones coursing through the 16-year-olds would cause them to strip off their clothes and start rutting like animals. “Come on, guys, I know it’s last period, but try and stay with me here.” With 15 minutes to go, the man stressed the fundamental importance of the mathematical concept to a group of teens busy mentally ranking which classmates they’d most like to fuck.
Expired Medicines Collected By DEA #~# The Drug Enforcement Administration conducted a national initiative last weekend in which people could bring their expired and unwanted prescription medications for disposal, no questions asked. What do you think?
Something About Tax Cuts Or Earnings Or Money Or Something In Recent Economic News #~# WASHINGTON—Some sort of tax cut or earnings or money or something was reported in economic news this week in further evidence that a lot of financial- related things have been going on lately.
This Place Is A Dump #~# HGTV
There Was Definitely A Point During That Stoning Where We All Thought, 'Is This Weird?' #~# Well, that settles that! It was hard work, but we have righteously meted out the punishment this woman brought upon herself, and her days of disgracing the republic are over. Another adulteress has learned, stone by stone, that crimes against God will not go unanswered.
Quarterback Playing Well Enough For Commentator To Mention His Favorite Sandwich #~# CLEVELAND—Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco's commanding performance against the porous Browns defense Sunday provided commentators with an opportunity during the game's third quarter to discuss the signal caller's love for his favorite sandwich. "The Quiznos toasted Prime Rib and Peppercorn sub is absolutely his favorite sandwich, all right. It may be his favorite thing to have for lunch, period," announcer Don Criqui said as Flacco preserved the Ravens' 24-17 lead by completing a meaningless four-yard out. "He eats them all the time. Says he loves the sautéed onions. Buys them for all the linemen, too, after a good practice." Flacco finished the game with 22 completions on 31 attempts for 262 yards, three touchdowns, no interceptions, three comparisons of his musical tastes with his style of play, and two mentions of how a young Flacco led his high school baseball team to the New Jersey state title.
U.S. Government Opens Special 5,000-Acre Area Where Americans Can Go Blow Off Steam #~# RATON, NM—Federal officials on Friday unveiled a new 5,000-acre national park where frustrated Americans can blow off some steam by smashing rows of televisions with a bat, screaming at the top of their lungs into a canyon, or playing tracks by Motörhead and the Angry Samoans at extreme volumes. "I'm as angry as anyone that we can't pass an energy bill or end Don't Ask, Don't Tell," said Sen. Tom Udall (D-NM), who christened the facility by igniting the contents of a trash barrel, which he then upended and kicked down a rocky slope. "But in the meantime, the least we can do is give people a place to go where they can just fucking have at it." Opening day also included an unscheduled appearance by President Obama, who calmly entered the park, let loose a furious stream of undiluted profanity, punched several trees for 55 minutes, and then returned to Washington.
'Forbes' Wealthiest List Increased Wealth #~# Members of Forbes magazine's annual list of the 400 richest people in the United States outperformed the stock market over the past year, increasing their overall value by 8 percent. What do you think?
NFL Players Under Contract To Constantly Mention 'The Event' During Sunday Night Football #~# NEW YORK—League officials confirmed Monday that NFL players participating in NBC's Sunday Night Football broadcast are contractually obliged to repeatedly mention the NBC series The Event during interviews, audibles, and team cheers. "I thought we looked great out there, and also The Event looks great," said Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, uttering the phrase The Event approximately 76 times while speaking with sideline reporter Andrea Kremer. "The defense had a real gutsy performance, much like Jason Ritter in The Event. Everyone on this team knows that it's a long season, so we are going to prepare for each week of The Event one episode at a time. The Event." After the game, Peyton reportedly told his brother Eli that their father loves The Event more than he loves Eli.
The 2009 MTV Video Music Awards #~# MTC
Bills Impressed By Quality Of Toilet Paper In Visitors' Locker Room #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Bills players were reportedly impressed by the quality of toilet paper in the visitors' locker room at Lambeau Field Sunday, enthusiastically admiring the bathroom tissue's durability, absorbency, and softness. "Wow, fancy," said running back Marshawn Lynch, gently rubbing a sheet across his left cheekbone. "They definitely don't scrimp around here. I hate the stuff our GM gets. It's really thin and rough and it hurts." Lynch reportedly urged his teammates to stuff their bags with the toilet paper before leaving the stadium.
New 'Do Not Kill' Registry To Allow Americans To Opt Out Of Being Murdered #~# WASHINGTON—A bipartisan coalition of U.S. Congress members announced Tuesday the creation of the nationwide “Do Not Kill” Registry, which gives citizens the convenience of choosing whether or not they would like to be violently murdered. “Obviously, we understand there are many Americans who would rather not be disturbed at dinnertime by an ax-wielding maniac, and that’s why we are providing this service,” said Sen. Mike Enzi (R-WY), who explained the law would also regulate the practice of random robokilling. “All citizens will have to do is supply us with their names and telephone numbers and we will make sure to block any further bothersome visits from killers smashing down their doors and ruthlessly murdering them in front of their screaming families.” While the new program is proving to be popular, critics have pointed out that more than 2,000 of the people who have signed up for the registry have been stabbed to death in their driveways simply because they didn’t realize it takes 30 days to go into effect.
'Sesame Street' Pulls Katy Perry Segment #~# A Sesame Street segment featuring singer Katy Perry performing "Hot N Cold" with Elmo was pulled because of complaints that she was showing too much cleavage. What do you think?
Bush Still Working On Manned Mission To Mars Quietly In Spare Time #~# DALLAS—Speaking from his home in Dallas, former president George W. Bush told reporters Tuesday that when he's not busy giving lectures or writing his memoirs, he spends most of his spare time working on the manned mission to Mars he proposed in January 2004.
Rocky Horror Picture Show's Cult Following Just Doesn't Have The Energy Anymore #~# LOS ANGELES—Longtime fans of the 1975 cult classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show reported this week that after 30 years of religiously attending midnight showings of the film, they no longer have the energy to put on red wigs, bras, and lipstick and yell things at a movie screen until two in the morning.
Department Of Defense Unveils $83 Million Thing That Shoots #~# WASHINGTON—Defense Department Deputy Secretary William Lynn III revealed the results of a three-year, $83 million project culminating in a device that shoots Friday. "This new, state-of-the-art thing that shoots will be an invaluable part of our arsenal," said Lynn of the high-tech thing that rolls around and shoots things. "When combined with our thing that goes underwater and our thing that flies around and drops exploding stuff, this cutting-edge shooting thing will help ensure American military dominance for decades." Lynn also emphasized to reporters that the new device will only shoot at bad people.
New Game Set In Michael Jackson's World #~# Planet Michael, a "massively multiplayer online virtual world" based on imagery from Michael Jackson's songs and videos, is being developed by game publisher SEE Virtual Worlds. What do you think?
Unorthodox Mascot Hijinks #~# Ohio fans were taken aback last weekend when their mascot, Rufus Bobcat, attacked Ohio State's Brutus Buckeye without provocation. But sports has seen stranger mascot moments.
Brett Favre Apparently Undecided If He Will Return To Vikings This Season #~# MINNEAPOLIS—ESPN analyst John Clayton reported Monday that, after throwing four interceptions and just one touchdown in the first two games of the 2010-2011 football season, Brett Favre is still undecided about whether he will return to the Minnesota Vikings. "His lack of presence in either game shows that he has not yet committed to a yes or a no answer, though it would appear that he is leaning toward no," Clayton said on SportsCenter, adding that three veteran Vikings players traveled to Favre's locker last Sunday and begged him to return to the team during halftime of the week-two loss to the Dolphins. "With a cumulative QB rating of 56.1, his heart clearly isn't in it. Maybe he's sending a message to Vikings brass that he's ready to call it a career." Following his television appearance, Clayton reportedly received a text message from Favre, who said he would make a decision about returning when he is ready.
No One Knows Who Female Star Athlete In Nike Commercial Is #~# NEW YORK—A recent Nike commercial featuring star players from both the NBA and NFL also includes an evidently prominent African-American female athlete, though sources confirmed Thursday that not a single viewer knows her name or what sport she plays.
Let's Try A 10 1/2 #~# NBC
Honey, Will You Make Me The Happiest Deeply-In-Denial Closeted Homosexual On Earth? #~# Nicole, you're my best friend. You're kind, you're thoughtful, and you've always been there for me through thick and thin. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd find a woman who complements me so well, knows me inside and out, and unconditionally allows me to repress who I really am. And yet here you are, standing before me.
Area Man's Bathroom A Monument To Ongoing War Against His Own Disgusting Body #~# BURLINGTON, VT—The gels, ointments, and mechanical grooming devices strewn across 28-year-old Micah Russell's bathroom stood in mute testimony Wednesday to the seemingly endless battle of attrition the local man has waged against his own repulsive physique since entering adulthood. "Looks like I'm almost out of Lotrimin," Russell said as he leaned over his facial-hair-speckled sink to retrieve a tube of daily-use eczema cream from his medicine cabinet. "Oh, man, a new zit." Earlier this week, Russell was forced to open yet another revolting front in the war with his body by adding Cottonelle lotion-infused personal wipes to his grotesque arsenal of toilet papers.
Republicans Block Gays-In-Military Reform #~# Senate Republicans voted against a defense spending bill that included a provision to repeal the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy regarding homosexuality. What do you think?
New Evidence Suggests God Also Had Incredibly Busty Daughter #~# ARABAH VALLEY, ISRAEL—In a discovery that biblical scholars say could alter our most fundamental understanding of Christianity, recently unearthed manuscripts suggest that in addition to His Son, Jesus Christ, God also had a daughter with absolutely humongous breasts.
‘Super Mario Bros.’ Is 25! #~# Twenty-five years ago, game designer Shigeru Miyamoto created the video game Super Mario Bros., which has since sold millions of copies and spawned numerous spin-offs. Here are some highlights from the history of the computerized plumber:
Referee Frustrated By Number Of Commercials Shown In Replay Booth #~# SAN DIEGO—Referee Terry McAulay told reporters he was extremely annoyed by the exorbitant number of commercials he had to watch Sunday before being able to review the footage of a disputed fumble call during the Jaguars-Chargers game. "I'm trying to keep the game moving, but I have to spend forever waiting through a bunch of stupid commercials for Old Spice and The Mentalist, even through NFL promos," McAulay said. "And every time you try to change the angle or look at a freeze-frame, another message pops up saying your footage will be available after a short message from our sponsors. You used to be able to skip the commercials, but you can't now unless you subscribe." After reviewing the footage, McAulay said Brett Favre appeared to have crossed the line of scrimmage before throwing the ball during the Wrangler commercial.
Dad Recounts Amazing Story Of How, Through Quick Thinking, He Saved $4.27 #~# SANTA FE, NM—Before a spellbound audience consisting of his wife, his two daughters, and the family cat, area dad Larry Schroeder described in gripping detail Tuesday how he just barely managed to save $4.27 at the local Wal-Mart. "So I'm sitting in the car, literally turning the key in the ignition, when it hits me," said Schroeder, pausing briefly for effect. "They charged me for the free teeth-whitening stuff, even though I bought three tubes of Crest like the coupon said. Thank God I remembered to keep the receipt."  At press time, Schroeder had further awed family members by producing the very receipt from his wallet and pointing to where the manager had initialed to authorize the refund.
FDA Weighs Genetically Modified Salmon #~# The Food and Drug Administration is deciding whether to allow the cultivation of salmon genetically modified to grow at twice its normal rate. What do you think?
Poll: 1 In 5 Americans Believe Obama Is A Cactus #~# WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Tuesday, nearly 20 percent of U.S. citizens now believe Barack Obama is a cactus, the most Americans to identify the president as a water- retaining desert plant since he took office.
World's Dumbest Criminals Vs. World's Stupidest Cops #~# TRUTV
I Have Proof That For the Past 3 Months, The CIA Has Been Running A Covert Operation To Make This An Awesome Summer #~# This has been an awesome summer: perfect weather, great tunes, cruising around with the top down and the shades on. Yup, a real laid-back, great-for-grilling kind of summer. The kind of summer you dream about, right?
Weird Coworker Knows Where Every NFL Player Went To College #~# PHILADELPHIA—Whether it be a top rookie from last year's draft or an obscure offensive lineman who has been in the league for 14 years, SRS Consulting's Ryan Janis seems to know where every NFL player went to college, his coworkers confirmed Monday. "I was having a casual conversation about Sunday's games and brought up [Buffalo Bills running back] Marshawn Lynch, and Ryan popped in and just said, 'Cal,'" SRS office manager Aaron Lorrimer told reporters, adding that several days earlier, Janis confounded and slightly annoyed his colleagues by knowing that Saints safety Darren Sharper was a second-round pick out of William & Mary. "I guess it's, I don't know, kind of impressive? But we don't really care where these players went to school. Do you think Ryan believes he's adding to the conversation when he does that?" At press time, coworker and Carolina Panthers fan Ted Long was eating lunch and talking about linebacker Jon Beason's 10-tackle game against the Giants last Sunday as the word "Miami" began to form in Janis' mouth.
Voter Anger Palpable At Intentionally Anger-Stoking Rally #~# WASHINGTON—Tempers in the crowd ran high Monday during a massive rally at the nation’s capital aimed at provoking tempers in the crowd to run high. “There is a palpable sense of anger within the American voting public today,” media correspondent Janet Hargrove said of the event, which played on such base human emotions as ignorance, fear, and xenophobia to give the impression of a palpable sense of anger within the American voting public today. “It’s almost as if thousands of people came to this rally with the intention of being angered, and then were.” When asked later about their rage, people at the rally were unable to pinpoint its cause, but expressed a vague desire to “take back America.”
Poverty Rate Jumps #~# The U.S. Census Bureau found that during 2009 the number of Americans living in poverty increased from 39.8 million to 43.6 million. What do you  think?
Professional Basketball Team Interested In Trade For Professional Basketball's Carmelo Anthony #~# NEW YORK—Citing his excellence in shooting, passing, dribbling, and jumping, a professional basketball team in the National Basketball Association announced its interest Tuesday in acquiring the services of professional basketball player Carmelo Anthony for the 2010-2011 season. "Carmelo Anthony simply makes a high percentage of his basketball shots, which puts him in the top tier of the 450 basketball players currently filling salaried positions in the league," a general manager of a professional basketball team told reporters. "We would be willing to trade two or even three of our professional basketball players in order to place Carmelo Anthony in our employ, for which we would in turn pay him a large sum of money." The general manager added that while Anthony is a very good professional basketball player, he would of course rather have signed professional basketball player LeBron James.
Corey Pavin Announces Plans To Get Loaded Before Ryder Cup #~# NEW YORK—Declaring that the match-play competition between European and American players was "going to be a total frickin' blast," U.S. captain Corey Pavin announced plans Wednesday to get completely hammered before this year's Ryder Cup. "We might not win, but we're gonna have a hell of a good time this year," said Pavin, adding that he and his team intend to get fully loaded at the hotel before the alternate-shot matches, and intend to "drink and just keep on drinking" throughout the entire opening four-ball event. "I already got a crapload of booze like vodka and whiskey and some of that Apple Pucker schnapps crap for Zach Johnson so he doesn't puss out. And, man, [Jim] Furyk's an animal when he's hammered." Pavin maintained that the U.S. squad's main goal was to get Phil Mickelson to puke.
Project Runaway #~# BRAVO
Easy Wife Gives It Up On First Date Night #~# OMAHA, NE—Local man James Carlson totally got some Friday night when his wife, Shelly, "went all the way" after just one date night, the lucky husband reported. "I figured it'd be at least three date nights before she gave it up, but all it took was a modest dinner and a few glasses of wine, and she went straight home with me, no questions asked," Carlson said of his wife of eight years, with whom he has three children, James Jr., 7, Wendy, 5, and Sandy, 3. "After we paid the babysitter and brushed our teeth, she couldn't keep her hands off me." Carlson hopes to continue date-nighting his wife for the foreseeable future, seeing as she is such an easy lay.
Oprah Selects Franzen Again #~# Despite the author publicly admitting his discomfort at his novel The Corrections being chosen as an Oprah Book Club selection in 2001, Oprah Winfrey has picked Jonathan Franzen's new book, Freedom, as her latest selection. What do you think?
Mexico Killed In Drug Deal #~# MEXICO CITY—In the latest incident of drug-related violence to hit the country, all 111 million citizens of Mexico were killed Monday during a shoot-out between rival drug cartels.
Congress Appropriates $3.17 To Rent 'Tango & Cash' #~# WASHINGTON—After weeks of debates, concessions, and committee hearings, the U.S. Senate finally passed legislation Tuesday to rent the 1989 action-comedy Tango & Cash.
Virginia To Execute First Woman In 97 Years #~# Unless the state's governor issues a stay of execution, Virginia will to execute Teresa Lewis on Sept. 23. What do you think?
The NFL's Overcomplicated Rules #~# Football may have the most complex rule set of any sport, as the Lions found out last Sunday when a game-winning catch was disallowed. Here are a few other examples:
Drew Brees Casually Wonders Aloud If He Really Could Get Away With Murder In This Town #~# NEW ORLEANS—Drew Brees, Super Bowl–winning quarterback of the Saints and local hero, spent a few minutes during a routine press conference Tuesday wondering aloud if he could get away with murdering someone on the streets of New Orleans in broad daylight.
Touchdown Disallowed After Ref Drops Ball Handed To Him By Player #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Chargers' tight end Antonio Gates' 3-yard touchdown reception against the Chiefs Monday was ruled incomplete after referee Doug Rosenbaum bobbled and dropped the ball handed to him by Gates. "The rule in question states, 'A referee must maintain possession through the entirety of the post-touchdown player-to-referee-exchange, and make a clear officiating move," NFL vice president of officiating Carl Johnson said at a press conference Tuesday. "Not only must the official signal a touchdown, receive the game ball, hold it, and twirl it around a little in his hands, but he must also take it home with him and keep it in his possession for at least three days. That is the only way a touchdown is officially recorded in the NFL." Johnson insisted the rules of the league must be upheld, because otherwise fans might actually be happy.
Kourtney and Khloé Take JCPenney #~# E!
My Sister Actually Went To School With Ryan Reynolds' Brother vs. Cool, I Like You More As A Person Now #~# You know, it's funny that you mention Ryan Reynolds, because my sister actually went to the same college as Ryan Reynolds' brother. Yeah, my sister Stephanie. You've met her. Remember, at the barbecue over at Josh's place last summer, when she and her husband were in town for the Fourth of July? Yeah. Anyway, she went to school with Ryan Reynolds' brother.
Ira Glass Tries To Explain 'This American Life' At High School Reunion #~# BALTIMORE—According to sources at Milford Mill High School's 30-year reunion, alumnus Ira Glass spent most of Saturday's event laboring to explain his public radio program, This American Life, to former classmates. "I'm still not completely sure, but I think he has some sort of call-in show," said Glass' sophomore biology lab partner Shannon Fortin, who reported that Glass just sighed when asked if he could say Fortin's name on the air during his next broadcast. "Sounds like he almost caught a break with some TV show, but I guess they canceled it. Poor guy." After Glass left the reunion early, a number of sympathetic attendees took up a collection for their old acquaintance, as Glass had mentioned that he relied almost entirely on donations.
Amish Numbers Increasing #~# According to an annual survey by Elizabethtown College, the Amish population in North America has increased by 5 percent over the past year. What do you think?
Report: More Colleges Offering Dick-Around Abroad Programs #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report published this week by the U.S. Department of Education, an increasing number of universities now offer dick-around abroad programs that give students the chance to hang out and do jack shit in another country.
Filling Empty Movie Theaters #~# With 3-D films failing to maintain their appeal and movie theater bedbug infestations worrying potential ticket buyers, Hollywood is looking for new ways to sell tickets. Here are some of the ideas being pitched:
NASCAR Struggling To Recover From Yet Another Injury-Free Season #~# LOUDON, NH—As they prepare to begin the Chase for the Cup with the Sylvania 300, top NASCAR executives are worried about the financial impact another season free of horrible injuries could have on the sport. "Every day a car doesn't flip over or a driver isn't set on fire, NASCAR loses money," chief marketing officer Steve Phelps said Monday, adding that the main reason fans say the sport hasn't been the same since Dale Earnhardt, Sr. died in the 2001 Daytona 500 is because no one has been killed or maimed in that time. "Of course, we hate to see anyone get hurt, but then again, we have to put the needs of the fans first." In related developments, NASCAR officials are expected to announce changes to the Car of Tomorrow that include eliminating seat belts, a top speed of 300 miles per hour, and special design features that make you look like a girl if you wear a helmet while driving.
Law Schools Now Require Applicants To Honestly State Whether They Want To Go To Law School #~# NEW YORK—A growing number of law schools have begun requiring applicants to specify in writing whether they do, in fact, have some desire to attend law school, or are just using it as a predictable last resort. "We want to separate those who actually see themselves becoming attorneys from those who just want to put off joining the adult world for another three years," Fordham Law School director Bruce Green said Thursday, showing reporters an application that asks students to check boxes marked "Really?" and "Seriously? You're really that into this?" "We want prospective students to know that they will actually have to study the U.S. legal system. As in, the whole thing." Word of the new requirement has already reportedly caused a 450 percent spike nationwide in applications to graphic design schools.
Cuba Going Capitalist? #~# Less than a week after the publication of an interview in which Fidel Castro allegedly admitted his nation’s economic system was a failure, Cuba announced it would lay off up to 1 million or more government employees. What do you think?
Back-To-School Necessities #~# No matter what your level of education, the first day of school arrives with anxiety about the things you forgot to bring. Here's a comprehensive checklist of items you'll need for the academic year.
Second-Most Popular Kid In School Assumes Power Following Death Of Star Quarterback #~# Pledges 'Seamless Transition' Of Coolness
Since The Beginning Of Time, Mankind Has Discussed What It Did On Summer Vacation #~# For as far back as historians can go, summer vacations have been celebrated by people everywhere as a time for rest and relaxation. Many advancements have been made in summer breaks since these early times, but it is also true that many different traditions have lived on and continue to remain with us today. This is why, since the beginning of time, mankind has discussed what it did on its summer vacation.
College Meal Plans #~# As they head to college for the first time, freshmen will be faced with a wide array of meal plans through their dormitories. The choices can be dizzying. Here are some of the typical university dining options.
Dormitory Decoration Tips #~# For most college students, your dormitory is your first living space that you can call your own. Be sure it's saying the right things about you as an adult individual with these decoration tips.
The Secret Life Of The American Teenager #~# ABC FAMILY
Homeless Drifters Of Santa Barbara Feverishly Await Women's Beach Volleyball Tournament #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Though there are still two days to go until the first match of the California Beach Volleyball Association's annual Santa Barbara tournament, homeless drifters and vagrants of all ages have already begun to gather in the ocean-side community for what they call "their most favorite weekend of the year." "I like to look at those ladies, they're nice to look at," 54-year-old Peter "Midnight Pete" Hanley said Thursday as he unwrapped a half-eaten cheeseburger he'd been storing in his breast pocket. "They ain't hardly got nothing on, neither. They're running and diving and screaming real loud, and all for me—for my birthday. Ain't hardly got nothing on, neither." In response, CBVA officials said they're just happy people are getting excited for the tournament.
All Those Years Shopping At Independent Bookstore Wasted #~# AUSTIN, TX—Reacting to news that independent outfit Shaker House Books had closed Monday, longtime customer Stephanie Brear said she couldn't believe she "flushed seven years down the toilet" patronizing the local store. "I put so much time into supporting my quirky local bookshop, with its charming window displays and us-versus-the-world attitude, and for what?" said Brear, adding that she even went through the trouble of befriending the husband-and-wife owners and their cat, Ulysses. "Countless hours wasted quietly browsing their shelves when I could have just ordered this shit for way cheaper online." Brear told reporters that the next time she needs gardening supplies, the little hardware store around the corner can go fuck itself, because she's going to Home Depot.
Excess Fat Diminishes Brainpower #~# A Northwestern University study found that for every point gained on a scale of obesity, older women lost mental skills. What do you think?
Shaq Vs. #~# ABC
Banana Republic Announces Opening Of New Stores Where Buying Pants Will Not Be Totally Humiliating Experience #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Retail apparel chain Banana Republic announced plans Tuesday to open 50 new stores at which customers will be able to buy pants without going through a painfully awkward, dehumanizing public ordeal. "None of our workers at these select locations will ever knock on the dressing-room door at the worst possible time or, in fact, make eye contact with you at any point whatsoever," said company president Jack Calhoun, who explained the new stores will not employ young, attractive salesclerks, nor will mortified patrons feel forced to hurriedly purchase the first garment that vaguely fits them. "We've streamlined the process so you can walk in, get what you need on the first try, drop some cash in a jar, and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible." Calhoun added that to further enhance customer satisfaction, the new locations would be nowhere near any shopping malls, and all external Banana Republic signs would only say "Store."
Rookie Ndamukong Suh Records Lions First-Ever Tackle #~# CHICAGO—Rookie defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, the Lions' first pick in this year's NFL draft, lived up to expectations Sunday by recording the first tackle in Detroit Lions history. "We knew Big Suh had potential, but to record a milestone like this in his first game… We're all just speechless," head coach Jim Schwartz told reporters at a postgame press conference, adding that the only previous Lions player to even come close to making a tackle was defensive end Alex Wojciechowicz, who in 1942 ran Chicago Cardinals quarterback Bud Schwenk out of bounds. "Of course I congratulated him afterwards, but I also warned him not to get too cocky. The lows can get pretty low around here." Team historians were quick to note that while this was the Lions' first-ever defensive tackle, former Lions running back Barry Sanders was, during his decade-long career, accidentally tackled 273 times by his own offensive line.
McMansions Done? #~# According to the results of a survey by the real estate website Trulia, Americans no longer want to buy the oversized houses that characterized the housing boom of the 2000s. What do you think?
Nation Once Again Comes Under Sway Of Pink-Faced Half-Wit #~# NEW YORK—Following an Aug. 28 rally in Washington, D.C. attended by an estimated 87,000 Americans, experts confirmed this week that the U.S. populace appears to have fallen under the spell of yet another pink-faced half-wit.
Tim Duncan Sends Out 3-Month Warning To Inform Spurs Of Upcoming Season Opener #~# SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan sent an e-mail with the subject heading "REMINDER! OPENING TIP-OFF COMING!!!" to all of his teammates Tuesday, urging them to keep Wednesday, Oct. 27, completely free because that is the night they play the Indiana Pacers in the 2010-2011 NBA season opener. "Please do not plan anything that entire day, as there will be a pregame meal, a mandatory pregame shoot around, warm-ups, and the game against the Indiana Pacers. Afterwards, plan on Coach Gregg Popovich addressing us in the team locker room for five to 10 minutes," Duncan's e-mail reads before going on to mention that he would be at the arena extra early to help with parking or anything else that might come up. "Remember, the game is at home at the AT&T Center. If you like, I can send you directions to the game based on the addresses I currently have on file. Please, if anything has changed, notify me." Explaining that he didn't want a repeat of last year's scheduling snafu, Duncan concluded the message by reminding his teammates that the Spurs haven't played in the Alamodome since 2002.
Guy Carrying Guitar Case On Elevator Envied By Everyone On Elevator, Imagines Guy #~# NEW YORK—A guy carrying a guitar case on a midtown Manhattan elevator was envied and admired by fellow passengers during the entirety of his 14-floor ride, the guitar-case- carrying man imagined Monday.
N-Words My Dad Says #~# CBS
Classic Movie 'Avatar' Updated For Today's Audiences #~# LOS ANGELES—Paramount Pictures confirmed Monday the Dec. 23 release date for Avatar 2KX, a remake of the beloved 2009 sci-fi thriller Avatar that will bring the story into the modern era with faster-paced action sequences and cutting-edge visual effects. "Avatar was a true classic of its time, but today's audiences demand a state-of-the-art immersive experience that goes beyond the kitschy charm of the original," said Paramount CEO Brad Grey, who ordered producers to cut 40 percent of the original script's dialogue, simplify the moral so that the humans are now the protagonists, and add several Na'vi sex scenes. "Our hipper, bolder, and updated movie is sure to resonate with younger generations and older fans alike." Grey had no comment on speculation that Avatar 2KX would feature cameos from one or more of the original film's surviving stars.
Health Insurance Costs Shifting To Workers #~# Employees paid an average of 14 percent more for family health coverage this year, while the amount contributed by their employers fell by 1 percent. What do you think?
Tips For High School Athletes #~# As America's teens return to class, they return to the playing fields as well. Onion Sports prepares them for what may be the greatest time in their lives.
U.S. Open Organizers Apologize For Obscene Amounts Of Tennis #~# NEW YORK—Members of the United States Tennis Association offered a public apology Monday for the ungodly amount of tennis that has been played, promoted, and discussed during the U.S. Open. “We want everybody to know we realize how much tennis is going on right now, and we understand how truly sickening that must be for all of you,” USTA executive director Gordon Smith said. “Men’s tennis, women’s tennis, doubles tennis, amateur tennis—did you know we even have a tournament for wheelchair tennis? It’s just a shitload of tennis, and we are really goddamn sorry about it.” Smith added that even though it’s gotten to the point where he never wants to see another tennis racket in his life, it’s still pretty cool when Roger Federer hits the ball really hard between his legs.
16,000 Diamondbacks Fans Killed On Complimentary Rattlesnake Night #~# PHOENIX—The Arizona Diamondbacks organization apologized to fans, their families, and the community at large Thursday after more than 16,000 people attending the previous night's game were killed by the poisonous Western diamondback rattlesnakes given out as part of Complimentary Rattlesnake Night.
So Far It Looks Like I've Done A Pretty Good Job Faking My Death #~# Well, it's been nearly two decades now, and I just have to laugh: I honestly never thought I'd be able to pull it off, but here we are in 2010, and everyone in the world continues to believe that I, Michael Landon, beloved star of American television, died in 1991. Heh. I guess I've done a pretty bang-up job faking my death so far, wouldn't you say?
Hertz Introduces Short-Term Rental For Just Driving Around To Clear Head #~# PARK RIDGE, NJ—Hoping to win the business of those who just need to get out of the house for a while and clear their heads, the Hertz Corporation unveiled a new service Monday that allows customers to rent a car for as briefly as five minutes. “Whether you just blew the big job interview or wasted an entire weekend with your in-laws, take however long you need to get your shit together,” said spokesman Dale Rodriguez, describing the service for people who don’t want to pay for a full day’s rental but do want to roll down the windows, feel the wind blowing through their hair, and pound on the steering wheel to the beat of Boston’s “More Than A Feeling.” “It’s so easy you don’t even have to worry about parking: Once you’ve gotten some perspective on the situation, just get out and walk away.” Hertz acknowledged renters would be charged an additional fee for silently crying in the parked car passed the allotted rental time.
'America’s Toughest Sheriff' Sued #~# The Justice Department sued Arizona's Joe Arpaio, the self-proclaimed "toughest sheriff" in America, for failure to cooperate with a discrimination probe. What do you think?
Archaeologists Unearth Lousiest Civilization Ever #~# ‘What A Bunch Of Losers,’ Researchers Say
U.S. Ends Combat Operations In Iraq #~# Last week, the U.S. occupation of Iraq officially ceased being a combat mission as the military entered the stability phase of its operations. Here are some of the major victories of the seven-and-a-half-year war:
Roger Goodell Urges Jets To Have More Sensible Goals Than Winning Super Bowl #~# NEW YORK—During a visit with the team Wednesday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told the New York Jets to lower their Super Bowl expectations, suggesting they consider setting more manageable goals for the 2010-2011 season. "As commissioner, you hate to see one of your teams get disappointed, so I just told them, 'Look, the Super Bowl isn't for everybody,'" said Goodell, adding that while he understands the Jets went deep into the playoffs last season, it's important for them to recognize the difference between being a solid contender and a fluke hot streak. "A wild-card berth, that's realistic. Hell, going 8-8 and missing the playoffs by a game would be a pretty darn good season for them." After visiting the Jets, Goodell caught a plane to Tampa Bay, where he told the entire Buccaneers squad they should look into learning a trade or maybe going into sales.
Area Man Suddenly Realizes He's The One Who's Been Killing Off World's Bee Population #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Following a news update on the depopulation of honeybees across North America and much of the world, it suddenly dawned on local bank teller Keith Orlander Tuesday that he, personally, was responsible for the dramatic and theretofore unexplained disappearance of the insects. "Boy, come to think of it, I guess I have been killing millions of bees lately," said Orlander, recalling "an awful lot" of instances in which he drove his truck into a hive or killed a couple thousand bees at a picnic. "It's obvious when you stop to think about it, but until now I never really put two and two together." Racked with guilt, Orlander pledged to immediately set loose the 40 million bees he's been keeping in a jar in his basement.
Brain Exercises Don't Stop Alzheimer's #~# Researchers have found that while brain exercises can help slow the onset of Alzheimer's disease, they actually speed up its progress once symptoms of the illness have appeared. What do you think?
Running Through Sprinklers #~# ABC
Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial #~# UNDISCLOSED—On a remote patch of Kansas prairie believed to fall outside the range of U.N. spy satellites, construction is finally complete on the long- awaited 9/11 Truther Memorial, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Summer Days, Driftin' Away #~# Well, the Summer of Jean has come and gone. You Jeanketeers will know what I'm talking about: In a column back in June (boy, does that feel like a lifetime ago…), I discussed how I was really going to take charge of this summer and make it my own. And I meant it. My goal was to emerge at the end relaxed, reenergized, and renewed!
Outbreak Of Va-Va-Vooms Traced To Miniskirt-Wearing Blonde #~# WASHINGTON—Officials from the Department of Ha-Cha WOWwa have traced a nationwide outbreak of va-va-vooms to one miniskirt-wearing blonde, last seen Thursday night working those stems like nobody's business. "Since the first documented sightings in Indianapolis last week, we have observed a sharp increase in yowzas and hubba-hubbas emanating from the Midwest, with a wave of homina-homina-hominas now rippling toward both coasts," DHW Secretary Rod Akers told reporters, warning that pulled-collar rates were at dangerously high levels nationwide. "Until the blonde is safely out of sight or medical professionals can adequately treat the growing number of eyes bulging from sockets, I would like to reiterate: Ahhh-ooooooga!" As of press time, the blonde had reportedly told nearby fellas not to get their shorts all in a bundle, releasing a highly contagious strain of "Hello, nurse!"
Players, Owners Agree To Have One Last Kick-Ass Season Before 2011's Lockout #~# NEW YORK—In an eleventh-hour session Wednesday night, representatives from the NFL Players Association sat down with the league's owners to reach an agreement on their "One Last Big Blast" plan to have the most rocking football season ever before next year's work stoppage. "With the threat of a lockout looming, we just started looking around and it dawned on us: We need to go fucking nuts out there one final time, just score a shit-ton of touchdowns and really kill it with some badass sacks," Patriots owner Bob Kraft said. "America's No. 1 sport may not have a season in 2011, but fans will at least be happy that we just rocked right the fuck out in 2010." As of press time, the only public provision of the "One Last Big Blast" plan is to increase the number of stadiums with pirate ships and functioning cannons by 31 before week 10.
The NFL's Official New Concussion Awareness Poster #~# This informative poster will hang in all NFL locker rooms to tell players of the potentially severe consequences of head injury.
Sierra Leone Has Safest Internet #~# A survey of computer viruses and malware attacks found Sierra Leone was the safest place in the world to surf the web. What do you think?
Adventures In Trundling #~# DISC
All 32 NFL Teams Announce They Are Underdogs Headed Into 2010 Season #~# NEW YORK—Just days before the start of the season, representatives from every NFL franchise have come forward to state that they are not going to let doubters hold them back, and that they are using "all the hate" as fuel for the 2010 campaign. "All those people out there betting against us are just more motivation to shock the world," said running back Reggie Bush of the defending Super Bowl champion and preseason Super Bowl-favorite Saints, echoing the sentiments of the Super Bowl runner-up Indianapolis Colts, the NFC runner-up Minnesota Vikings, and every other player and coach around the league. "No one's giving us a chance, but we prefer it this way. We're fine flying under the radar all season." Every NFL team later went on to guarantee it would make the playoffs, with the exception of the St. Louis Rams, who said their underdog status made complete sense because they are a "horrendous, just absolutely horrendous, football team."
Heavy Drinkers Live Longer Than Teetotalers #~# A new data analysis in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research found that people that abstained from alcohol died earlier than even heavy drinkers. What do you think?
Department Of Interior To Clean Nation's Filter #~# 40 Million Tons Of Gunk Clogging Up Country
Report: Afghan Mineral Deposits Could Completely Revolutionize Nation's System Of Corruption #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new State Department report, Afghanistan's more than $900 billion worth of untapped iron, copper, lithium, and other minerals could transform the nation from a graft-laden backwater into a modern, 21st-century hub of corruption. "Afghanistan's crooked political system currently relies solely on the small-time bribes of opium peddlers, but these highly sought-after natural resources could usher in a bright new era of illegitimate government maneuvering," said M. Farhan Sajadi, associate professor of Central Asian Studies at Hofstra University. "Officials will soon be able to embezzle, extort, and receive under-the-table kickbacks from major international conglomerates on a scale that would have been unimaginable just a few years ago. This is a major leap forward for Afghan kleptocracy." Responding to concerns that the nation's future mining profits would enrich only a handful of elite powerbrokers in Kabul, President Hamid Karzai vowed that he would do everything in his power to fairly distribute the wealth to even the most distant members of his family.
NFL To Expand Season To However Many Games It Takes To Permanently Injure Ray Lewis #~# NEW YORK—NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Monday to expand the 2011-2012 football season from the usual 16 games to as many as it takes for Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to suffer a career-ending injury. "We know what millions of loyal football fans really want to see: more games, and Ray Lewis suffering a catastrophic head or knee injury that keeps him off the field forever, so this is just a total win-win," said Goodell, adding that if necessary, the Ravens would play 15 games in a row against the Saints and their top-ranked offensive line. "Eighteen, 20, 30 games—hell, we'll play 50 games if [Lewis] still has any sensation from the waist down whatsoever." League officials added that if the 14-year veteran were somehow still standing after 72 games, they would remain open to backing over him with a truck and starting the playoffs the following week.
Wendy's To Phase Out Unpopular Hamburger Sandwich #~# DUBLIN, OH—Representatives for the restaurant chain Wendy's announced Tuesday that due to the item's continually dismal performance, the company would be discontinuing the widely disliked hamburger sandwich.
Sports World Limping Toward Football Opener Like Mortally Wounded Deer #~# HAGERSTOWN, MD—With Major League Baseball's postseason still a month out and college football weeks away from conference play, the sports world continues to stagger toward the NFL's opening kickoff like a gut-shot doe spewing blood from its mouth and keening piteously with its last ragged breaths, sources reported Tuesday. "I can't wait for kickoff," one torpid fan told reporters while staring blankly at a TV screen showing a pointless Angels-Mariners game, a listless nine-inning contest that mimicked a deer's struggle to ride out the searing pain in its shredded viscera and drag itself to a sheltered spot to die. "It's about time." The NFL season will begin Thursday night as the Vikings-Saints game gets underway, with the majesty of a great hornèd stag silhouetted against the moon as it pauses to glance back over its rippling haunches before coursing once more toward freedom across vast and verdant fields, at 7:30 p.m. CDT in the Superdome.
Staples Brings On Extra Staff To Sit Around And Do Nothing For Busy Back-To-School Season #~# FRAMINGHAM, MA—With the back-to-school shopping season in full swing, office-supply chain Staples announced that it would be hiring thousands of additional sales personnel to mope uselessly around the store and sullenly count the hours until closing. "We found that our usual numbers of bored, vacant-looking floor staff were not adequate to fully ignore the influx of customers," said Staples spokes≠woman Andrea Dalton. "Now, whether shoppers have questions about which backpack is best for a middle- schooler or how long laptops are under warranty, they can find plenty of sales associates who either don't know or don't give a shit." Staples sources confirmed that many stores would also be adding extra cashiers to resentfully process returns.
Number Of Illegal Immigrants Declining #~# A study from the Pew Hispanic Center found that with the economy continuing to falter, the number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. has dropped for the first time in 20 years. What do you think?
Gay, Straight, Not Attracted To You, Just Got Out Of Something, Too Into His Job, Weird About Your Having Kids, Shy, Doesn't See Anything Serious Developing, Has Mother Issues, Or Taken? #~# LIFETIME
Menopause Meds May Harm Kids #~# The Food and Drug Administration has warned that Evamist, a prescription spray used to control hot flashes in menopausal women, may cause premature breast development in children. What do you think?
Sorry, I'm Just Really Bad With Names And Faces Of People Who Are Not Attractive And Can't Help Advance My Career #~# Hi, how do you do? I'm Michael. Pleased to meet you. What? We've met three times before? Really! Well, how embarrassing. I'm truly sorry. To be completely honest, when it comes to remembering the names of people who aren't capable of giving my career a boost or exciting me sexually, I'm just hopeless!
Pentagon Ripped Off By Shady Weapons Dealer #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Defense Secretary Robert Gates admitted losing $192 million in defense funds Tuesday when he unwittingly purchased a large number of bogus BGM-109 Tomahawk missiles from a disreputable arms dealer known only as "Steve." "When I got the crate open at the office, it turned out the 'missiles' were nothing more than old sewer pipes filled with newspapers and capped with construction cones, all painted to look legit," Gates said of the transaction that was set up through an undersecretary whose brother-in-law knew a guy looking to unload some long-range strategic weapons. "I probably should have known when he tried to sell me a bunch of sunglasses, too." Gates confirmed that troops in Afghanistan are scheduled to receive the counterfeit missiles next week.
8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live #~# 'We're Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,' Entire Populace Reports
Original Kermit Donated To Smithsonian #~# Last week, Jane Henson, widow of Jim Henson, donated 10 Muppets to the Smithsonian's National Museum of American History, including the original Kermit. Here are some of the other things donated to the museum in the past six months:
Department Of Just Saying: 'Been A While Since An Athlete Has Died During A Game' #~# WASHINGTON—In a report written in collaboration with the Bureau of Just Throwing It Out There, the Department of Just Saying noted Wednesday that it had been a good long while since an athlete had died on the field during a major sporting event. "We're not saying we want to see it or anything, but it sort of feels like we're overdue, right?" read a section of the report, which has received the approval of the Committee of Not for Nothing and the Chamber of Couldn't Help but Notice. "I mean, yes, there's Dale Earnhardt, and probably a bunch of amateurs we don't even hear about, poor bastards, but during, like, a nationally televised game, you know? As previously stated, we don't want to see it happen, but…just saying." The report has been taken into consideration by the U.S. Senate Oversight Committee for Oh, Man, You're Totally Right, It Has Been a While.
Man Arriving Early To Party To Walk Up And Down Street For 10 Minutes #~# MEDFORD, MA—After arriving early for a coworker's party Friday evening and wishing to avoid an awkward entrance, 29-year-old Scott Harrington reportedly devised a plan to walk back and forth along the residential street for 10 additional minutes. "I guess I could sit in my car and listen to the radio, but it would be weird if someone saw me doing that," Harrington said to himself before outlining a strategy to wander slowly over to the convenience store on the corner, stare at a few food items he has no intention of purchasing, and then wander slowly out. "If that doesn't kill enough time, I'll just go through my cell phone and delete old text messages for a while." After eight minutes of meandering to a nearby playground and back, Harrington is expected to stand silently on a neighbor's lawn.
Tongue Stud May Cause Tooth Gap #~# A case study in the Journal Of Clinical Orthodontics showed that over a period of seven years, a young woman playing with her tongue stud inadvertently caused a gap to form between her front teeth. What do you think?
Hey, You! #~# FOX
The Olive Garden Gang #~# Nickelodeon
Inarticulate Nolan Ryan Delivers What Players Think Might Have Been Inspirational Speech #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Legendary Rangers pitcher, team president, and mush-mouth Nolan Ryan delivered an indecipherable and presumably stirring speech in the team's clubhouse before Game 2 of the World Series Thursday, puzzled but tentatively inspired players later confirmed. "Just to have him there was a rush, but to have him look us all in the eyes and say 'Hyeah gotta wont thissen y'all goan shackum weerpo hurrah, goan an' dunnit husslinrusslin t' nagget chossle shummah' is something I'll never forget," said outfielder Josh Hamilton, adding that the hair on the back of his neck stood up and his forehead wrinkled during Ryan's five-minute talk. "Then, when everyone was just completely silent in awe and confusion, he walked to the door, turned, and repeated, 'Nagget. Chossle. Shummah.' I was just stunned." In Ryan's honor, the Rangers have adopted an unintelligible series of slurred vowels and sibilant fricatives as their unofficial World Series motto.
Unemployed Dad Channels All His Energy Into Creating, Running Haunted House #~# PORT CLINTON, OH—Unemployed father Daniel Spencer, 42, has reportedly spent the past several weeks focusing all his time and energy on transforming his home into a haunted house for Halloween.
Halloween Costumes #~# What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
Townsfolk Strongly Prefer Man's Werewolf Incarnation #~# ‘Jesus, The Next Full Moon Can’t Come Fast Enough,’ Villagers Report
Alumni Office Dispatches Navajo Tracker To Hunt Down Glen Schutt '98 #~# TEMPE, AZ—Representatives in the alumni office at Arizona State University announced this week that in an effort to determine the whereabouts and current mailing address of Class of '98 graduate Glen Schutt, they are utilizing the services of longtime employee and Navajo tracker Joe Lone Tree.
Barry Bonds In Stands Ruins World Series For Everyone #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Players, officials, announcers, and spectators agreed that the 2010 World Series was completely ruined after Barry Bonds was spotted sitting in the stands of AT&T Park Wednesday night. "I was overjoyed to be at the ballpark, sitting with my son and watching my favorite team compete in the World Series," lifetime Giants fan Dale Norgren told reporters. "But then I saw that jerk and it just soured the whole night. I couldn't even enjoy my hot dog once I knew Barry Bonds was sitting just 50 feet from me. Fuck." When told the Giants had won Game 1, Norgren said that he no longer cared and that he had given his son's baseball glove to a panhandler.
Yankees Offseason Moves #~# After missing the pennant by one game, the Yankees have some difficult decisions to make before spring training. Here are some of the most crucial issues facing the team:
Forget About It! #~# NBC
Key Races: The House #~# ALABAMA 2ND CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT:
Key Races: The House #~# NEW HAMPSHIRE 1ST CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT:
Key Races: Senate #~# WISCONSIN:
Key Races: Senate #~# NEVADA:
Key Races: Governor #~# NEW YORK:
Key Races: Governor #~# CALIFORNIA:
Key Ballot Initiatives #~# American voters will confront a variety of ballot initiatives when they go to the polls Nov. 2. Rollover to reveal some of the key referendums in states across the nation:
Boy, I Really Thought Like Shit Today #~# When you lead America's No. 1 political think tank, you've got to always be thinking, and thinking hard. Each day, I go to the office, catch up on my correspondence, and then to set to work: fresh insights and ideas, bold new paradigms, groundbreaking ways of looking at things. That's my job. And most days I think up two or three solid public-policy initiatives before I've even finished my morning coffee.
Sex.com Domain Name Sells For $13 Million #~# Clover Holdings, a business based in the Caribbean, has paid $13 million to bankrupt company Escom for rights to the URL Sex.com. What do you think?
New NASCAR Rules Change Designed To Cut Down On Constant Honking #~# DAYTONA BEACH, FL—NASCAR's rules committee unveiled a new set of regulations Thursday specifically aimed at reducing the incessant horn-honking heard throughout the Sprint Cup Series. "By penalizing excessive and pointless honks, we'll be cutting out almost 80 percent of the noise pollution from our races," said NASCAR chairman and CEO Brian France, adding that for several years stock-car racing has been losing fans due to the annoying car-horn racket. "Drivers may only honk their horns if a car is in their way or if they get cut off, but they are expressly prohibited from honking when they're just plain frustrated. Not only that, but caution laps run under yellow flags will be strictly honk-free, with violations punishable by a $200 fine." Though the issue was not raised during the offseason, France later implied that NASCAR would take action against drivers who slow down gradually in front of other drivers just to aggravate them.
Area Man Could Eat #~# PITTSBURGH—Local man Ronald White confirmed this afternoon that while he wasn’t necessarily hungry, he could eat. “I could probably go for something light,” said White, who ate a sandwich two hours ago but noted that it wasn’t huge. “Like a soup or a salad or something.” According to sources, White ended up ordering a patty melt with fries and a large Coke.
Nation Disappointed By Great World Series Matchup #~# NEW YORK—Citing the disappointing prospect of high-level pitching duels, clutch hitting, and great defense, the American baseball-watching populace this week registered its overwhelming disapproval of 2010's excellent World Series matchup between the Texas Rangers and the San Francisco Giants.
Halloween Origins #~# Every Oct. 31, children dress in a variety of popular costumes and go door-to-door collecting candy. Here's where that Halloween tradition, and several others, came from:
Report: Fans Enjoy Waving Things Around #~# NEW YORK—A joint report from all professional and amateur sporting leagues unanimously confirmed Thursday that fans enjoy waving random things around, typically above their heads, while attending athletic events. "Shirts, signs, their arms, any color of towel—basically we found that if a fan has the ability to hold something in his or her hand, there's a good chance he'll wave it around," Gina Keller, a representative of Major League Baseball, told reporters. "Our findings indicate that fans believe waving things around when their team is winning builds momentum, and waving things around when their team is losing motivates players to attempt comebacks. In short, fans like waving things." Keller added that a new report, expected to be released this December, should confirm that outcomes of sporting events would be the same if fans cheered loudly during games or just sat in absolute silence.
Girl Has Just Enough Physical Flaws To Maybe Take Man Seriously #~# BOISE, ID—Local auto-repair specialist Jim Ervine told reporters Thursday that an attractive woman he has spotted at the 4th Avenue Tavern may possess enough physical flaws not to simply reject him out of hand. "When you first look at her you see an eight, maybe even a nine, but if you examine closely you notice a slight overbite and asymmetrical eyes," said Ervine, who calculates that the birthmark on the woman's neck will make her more willing to overlook the fact that he's 15 pounds over weight. "Unless she had supportive parents who instilled her with a lot of self-esteem, I should have a chance. A good chance." Ervine said he plans on glancing occasionally at the woman's bony knuckles to give himself the confidence he needs to approach her.
Sony Stops Making Walkman #~# Sony has announced it will no longer manufacture the Walkman, the cassette player that revolutionized music portability 30 years ago. What do you think?
Democrats: 'If We're Gonna Lose, Let's Go Down Running Away From Every Legislative Accomplishment We've Made' #~# WASHINGTON—Conceding almost certain Republican gains in next month's crucial midterm elections, Democratic lawmakers vowed Tuesday not to give up without making one final push to ensure their party runs away from every major legislative victory of the past two years.
Silly British Time-Filler #~# PBS
My Opponent Knows Where Washington Is On A Map; I Don't, And I Never Will #~# As your Republican nominee for U.S. Senate, I'm grateful to have this opportunity to reach out to the people of Wisconsin and draw some distinctions between myself—a D.C. outsider—and Russ Feingold. The incumbent is a classic tax-and-spend liberal who, if elected, will increase the deficit even further. But most importantly, Russ Feingold is a career politician who knows exactly where to find our nation's capital on a map.
NFL Scores Big Ratings With Rare Live Episode #~# GREEN BAY, WI—At a press conference Monday, NFL officials touted the success of a special live episode of Sunday Night Football, confirming that more than 19 million viewers had tuned in to watch players on the Vikings and Packers play in real time before a live stadium audience. "The live game was a huge success for the NFL, thanks to near-perfect performances by the players, coaches, and announcers," Commissioner Roger Goodell said. "It was a challenge, because we normally have the luxury of using editing and multiple takes to get everything just right. But apart from a couple of incomplete passes and nervous fumbles, nobody made any significant mistakes except the referees." Goodell, who said the game's storylines were simplified to accommodate the process of live television, was pleased that the Vikings and Packers stuck closely to the script.
Studio Admits Entire Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Just Marketing Campaign For 'You Don't Mess With The Zohan' That Got Out Of Hand #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Columbia Pictures president Doug Belgrad admitted Monday that the decades-old Israeli-Palestinian conflict was merely a promotional gimmick for the 2008 Adam Sandler vehicle You Don't Mess With The Zohan that spun a little out of control. "They knew a comedy this big was going to need a big marketing hook, so back in '47, our guys called some people at the U.N., and next thing you know we had ourselves an ethnic conflict that turned into a nice little return at the box office," Belgrad told reporters, adding that the comedy about an Israeli Mossad agent who fakes his own death to become a hairdresser in New York cost $90 million and several thousand lives. "In retrospect, we should have maybe dialed back on the Six-Day War, but we needed somewhere to anchor that Fizzy Bubbeleh joke. You can't buy press like that." Belgrad added that the film's highly anticipated sequel will involve Iran.
Brand, Perry Marry #~# British comedian Russell Brand wed pop star Katy Perry in a ceremony in India on Saturday. What do you think?
High School Football: Taft High At Abilene Central #~# ESPNU
Report: Only One In Every 150,000 Dead Children Becomes Angel #~# CHICAGO—Contradicting long-held conventional wisdom, a report appearing this week in The Journal Of Theological Studies concludes that, among children who perish before the age of 4, only one in 150,000 becomes an angel. "While it's comforting for parents to believe the spirits of their dead children live on as angels, we found that fewer than one in 50 kids even goes to heaven," said head researcher Jerard Tinsley, a professor of Cherubic Studies at DePaul University. "Becoming an angel is one of the highest honors God can bestow on an individual, and not everyone makes the cut." Tinsley's research team was also responsible for last year's groundbreaking discovery of doggie hell.
NPR Fires Commentator For Comments On Fox #~# National Public Radio fired commentator Juan Williams on Wednesday following an appearance on the Fox News program The O'Reilly Factor in which he said that seeing people in Muslim garb on airplanes made him uncomfortable. What do you think?
Yard Sign With Candidate's Name On It Electrifies Congressional Race #~# JASPER, IN—A blue corrugated plastic sign bearing the name of candidate Todd Young has invigorated and galvanized voters in southeastern Indiana's 9th District congressional race, catapulting the Republican to an all but insurmountable lead over his opponent, Democratic incumbent Baron Hill.
A-Rod Finally Leads Rangers To World Series #~# ARLINGTON, TX—Ten years after signing a record $252 million contract to play baseball in Texas, third baseman Alex Rodriguez finally delivered for the Rangers by leading the franchise to its first-ever World Series. "A-Rod came up big for us this entire series, all the way up until the last out," Rangers manager Ron Washington told reporters during a postgame press conference, saying that the Rangers would have had no chance of beating the New York Yankees without Rodriguez's remarkable performance at the plate. "It was a long time coming, but you have to give the guy credit. He was the Rangers' MVP, no question." Washington added that seeing Rodriguez take Texas to the World Series was one thing, but A-Rod almost single-handedly beating the Yankees was "extra sweet."
Which Screwdriver Is Dad Asking For? #~# NBC
Kobe Bryant Just Not Into It This Year #~# LOS ANGELES—Two-time NBA Finals MVP Kobe Bryant, who claims he typically looks forward to the 82-game professional basketball season, told reporters Friday that he's "just not feeling it" this year. "Yeah, I don't know," Bryant said after a practice at which he arrived, took three lackadaisical jump shots, and left without removing his jacket. "The whole basketball deal isn't really my thing right now. I don't really want to get into it." When asked if he cared whether he won another NBA title, thereby tying the number of championships won by Michael Jordan, Bryant responded, "Nah."
Boy Believed To Be Next Reincarnation Of Regional KFC Manager Discovered In Chatfield, MN #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—According to sources at the corporate headquarters of fast food giant KFC, a young boy believed to be the third reincarnation of the chain's regional manager for eastern Georgia was discovered in Chatfield, MN Tuesday following an exhaustive five-year search.
Obama To Take Break From Stumping To Preside Over United States #~# HARTFORD, CT—Following a speech tomorrow afternoon in support of Senate hopeful Richard Blumenthal, top Democratic Party member Barack Obama is expected to take advantage of a brief lull in his hectic schedule to govern the United States of America, sources reported Thursday. "Barack should have a little bit of free time in the car when we travel between the get-out-the-vote rally in East Hartford and the fundraising dinner for [Connecticut gubernatorial candidate] Dan Malloy," said Obama aide Lisa McMaster, admitting that most of the business of being leader of the free world would have to wait for the few days between the end of the midterm election cycle and the start of the 2010 presidential campaign. "Those 15 or so minutes should allow him to skim the past week’s national security briefings, sign a few pieces of legislation, and shoot a 45-second call to South Korean prime minister Kim Hwang-sik to hammer out a free-trade pact." McMaster added that if everything goes perfectly, Obama might have a moment between the dinner's salad and entrée courses to authorize a missile strike on suspected al-Qaeda sites in Yemen.
Man Can Name All Parts Of The Vagina #~# TUCSON, AZ—Local 32-year-old Greg Chesterfield demonstrated Tuesday that he has the ability to correctly name all the parts of the human vagina. "Inner and outer labia, mons veneris, Skene's gland, Bartholin gland, vaginal opening," Chesterfield said to reporters while looking off toward an unknown point in the distance. "The clitoris, the clitoral hood, the hymen, and the urethra." Added Chesterfield, "Oh, and commissure of inner labia."
Mensa Membership Getting Younger #~# Since 2000, the number of Mensa members under 30 has increased 63 percent. What do you think?
Report: Sudden Rookie Death Syndrome Claims Lives Of More Than 2,000 First-Year Players #~# NEW YORK—Experts are no closer to finding a cause, let alone a cure, for Sudden Rookie Death Syndrome, the mysterious affliction that kills thousands of first-year players each year in every professional sports league, officials announced Monday.
Tony Romo Asks Doctors To X-Ray His Stuffed Animal's Hand Too #~# DALLAS—Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo requested that radiologists examining the thumb on his non-throwing hand Monday also X-ray the sore paw of Mr. Snuggy Puff, Romo's stuffed bunny. "He's got a boo-boo and he doesn't feel good, either," said Romo, who wrapped the stuffed animal's left limb in toilet paper to create a makeshift cast. "You need to look inside of it to make sure he can still hop around the pillows before bedtime." Romo, who confirmed he did not cry once during the entire visit to the doctor's office, also told the nurse that Mr. Snuggy Puff needed his own lollipop.
2010 NBA Teams To Watch #~# With basketball season once again upon us, Onion Sports takes a look at this year's best and most interesting teams.
High School Is Totally Like This #~# FOX
Ask A Man Who Bought A Wrestling Pay-Per-View That's Not Showing Up On The Screen For Some Reason #~# Dear Man Who Bought A Wrestling Pay-Per-View That's Not Showing Up On The Screen For Some Reason,
Tea Party Plans To Recruit More Coloreds This Fall #~# CARSON CITY, NV—In an effort to promote diversity within their political base, national Tea Party leaders gathered today in Nevada's capital to announce their intention to embrace more coloreds in the lead-up to the 2010 midterm elections. "We're bringing new voices and perspectives into the movement every day, and the addition of some more coloreds is only the beginning," Tea Party spokesman Michael Kealey told reporters, adding that he was "excited to welcome Negroes into the fold." "The time has come for everyone, Orientals even, to take America back." Kealey went on to say that the inclusion of homos in the movement would be "out of the question," unless they were the normal kind.
Candidate Unaware Constitution Provides For Separation Of Church, State #~# In a debate with opponent Chris Coons, Republican Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell intimated she was unaware that the First Amendment provides a constitutional basis for the separation of church and state. What do you think?
Bored Entertainment Media Decides To Go After Ray Liotta With All They've Got #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Citing a general feeling of boredom, as well as a lack of anything better to do, members of the celebrity news media announced this week that they have decided to put all other stories on hold and use every resource at their disposal to go after veteran film and television actor Ray Liotta.
Chilean Miners Rescued #~# Last week saw the dramatic rescue of 33 Chileans who spent a harrowing 69 days trapped in the Copiapó copper and gold mine. Here's how they spent their time underground:
Merkel Says Multiculturalism Has Failed #~# German prime minister Angela Merkel told members of her Christian Democratic Union party that efforts to live side-by-side with Muslims have failed, and suggested all immigrants learn German and embrace Christian values. What do you think?
NFL Considers Building Second Stadium #~# NEW YORK—NFL spokesman Greg Aiello announced Monday that, after years of deliberation, NFL team owners will vote on the proposed construction of a second football stadium in order to ease current difficulties with scheduling and overcrowding. "With 16 games every week and thousands of fans in attendance at each game, you can imagine the wear and tear NFL Field has taken over the past 90 years," Aiello told reporters, adding that parking alone is "a huge problem." "A new stadium could provide state-of-the-art facilities for players, as well as finally allowing teams to practice by themselves instead of conducting massive workouts where every team is on the field at once. Not to mention it would give our workers a lot more time to repaint the end zones between games." Aiello later explained the NFL hoped to one day have stadiums in "host cities" across the country, but admitted that was probably decades away.
Shitty Human Being Blames Decreased Daylight This Time #~# CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Horrible person James MacDougal, an account executive at the properties management firm Gordon, Olster and French, this time blamed his constant shitty behavior toward others on the shortened days of the fall season, sources reported Monday. "The lack of sunlight makes me cranky," said MacDougal, who in previous months has blamed the humidity, his favorite sports team losing, not getting enough sleep, and the "terrible" office coffee for making him a total, un-relenting asshole. "I've snapped at [secretary] Lynette three times this week. I should really apologize. It's just my knee has been killing me lately." By midwinter, MacDougal is expected by coworkers to revert to such time-tested excuses as having to change to snow tires, being "under the weather," and the annual Christmas visit from "[his] griping bitch of a mom."
Cockroach King Concerned Over Recent Rise Of Bedbugs #~# GRAND IMPERIAL THRONE ROOM, CASTLE ROACH—His Royal Highness, King Leopold Blattodea IV, undisputed lord and ruler of the cockroaches, expressed dismay and concern Monday that the recent rise in bedbug populations could threaten his sovereignty over the realm of human squalor.
Seattle PD #~# ABC
Hey, Come On In, Sorry About All The Dead Pets #~# Hello, hello, so good to see you! Please, come in! Did you have any trouble finding the house? The turn comes up quickly after you make the right on Lake Street, so some people end up driving right past it. Gosh, can you believe it's been almost a year since your last visit? Time just moves so quickly! Anyway, make yourself at home, apologies for all the dead rotting pets everywhere.
Lazy ESPN.com Poll Asks Readers If They Like Sports #~# BRISTOL, CT—Lazy ESPN.com editors posted the poll question "Do you like sports?" on the website's homepage yesterday, offering "yes" or "no" as the only two response options. "We have to do a poll each day, so, yeah, we did a poll on whether people like sports or not," web editor Anthony Whelan said via telephone Monday, adding that his staff had also considered the question "Was Michael Jordan good?" "We try to make the experience on our website interactive for the users and whatever." Whelan denied accusations that ESPN.com was running low on poll ideas and adamantly defended last week's SportsNation question, "How you guys doing?"
Democrats Could Lose Up To 8,000 Seats In Upcoming Midterm Election #~# WASHINGTON—According to recent media reports, Democrats stand to lose as many as 8,000 congressional seats and more than 917 gubernatorial races in November's midterm elections. "Republicans are poised to pick up 1,500 seats in Ohio alone, and could wind up with a 23,576-to-12 majority in the Senate," Beltway observer Isaac Hundt said Wednesday, noting the GOP's advantage is likely to increase by Election Day given that its candidates are outspending their opponents by some $900 trillion. "With Democratic disapproval ratings in the quadruple digits, it's a foregone conclusion that Republicans will not only retake Congress, but hold it for the next 20,000 to 25,000 years." Experts also predicted the one-sided election results would cause Barack Obama to die on the spot, at which point the nation's leading conservative talk-radio host would be sworn in as president of the United States forever.
Feds 'Friending' People On Facebook To Spy #~# Federal documents suggest both the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services and the Department of Homeland Security have encouraged agents to "friend" suspects on Facebook in order to check for evidence of misdeeds. What do you think?
Squirrel Ark #~# FOX
Brady Quinn Hasn't Heard That Name In Ages #~# DENVER—Upon overhearing visitors to the Broncos training facility inquire about third-string quarterback Brady Quinn, a young but grizzled Brady Quinn was seen to lean forward, raise his eyebrows, frown thoughtfully, and cast his eyes upward in apparent reverie, sources reported Saturday. "Brady Quinn, eh? Brady Quinn. Now that's a name you don't hear very often…least not anymore," said Quinn, who leaned back against the wall, thumbed back his battered Notre Dame cap, and stroked his long, unkempt beard. "They say he was quite the hot item coming out of college. At least, the Browns thought so. Heh. The Browns… But no, this here's the Broncos, and all anyone talks about round these parts is Tim Tebow. Seems like ages since anyone even mentioned the name Brady Quinn." Quinn then leaned back in his rocking chair and went back to sleep.
Microlender Forecloses On Goat #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Representatives from One World Finance, a U.S.-based microcredit provider, confirmed Monday that they had initiated foreclosure proceedings on a goat in southern India following a borrower's repeated failure to make her $2.20 monthly loan payments. "I tried to work with Ms. [Subha] Thangam on this, but once she fell a full $6.10 behind, I had to repossess the goat," said loan officer Michael Conrad, who stated that he was just doing his job and that it was "not [his] fault" if certain subsistence farmers were living beyond their means. "I'd love to recoup the entire $22 loan at auction, but given the glut of foreclosed and abandoned goats in the area, I'd be lucky to get even half that." Conrad also acknowledged that the owner had left the goat in "pretty bad shape" and had even stripped it of its hair for potential resale on the paintbrush market.
NY To Disallow Food Stamps Soda Purchases #~# The City and State of New York are urging the USDA to discontinue allowing the purchase of sugary beverages with food stamps. What do you think?
American Public Actually Kind Of Endearing In Some Ways #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—According to an extensive 18-month study published by researchers at the University of New Mexico this week, Americans, despite their embarrassing behavior, general ineptitude, and countless other negative traits, are actually kind of endearing in some ways.
Klee #~# FOX
Report: 3 Players In NFL Currently Do Not Have Concussions #~# NEW YORK—According to Friday's official injury report, there are only three players in the National Football League not currently suffering from some form of concussion. "Of 1,696 players, only Chiefs lineman Ryan O'Callaghan, Texans kicker Neil Rackers, and Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck show no symptoms of concussion at this time," the report read in part. "Commissioner Roger Goodell will hold a press conference to discuss this matter as soon as he recovers from the concussion he suffered in week four." As of press time, all NFL games were going ahead as scheduled.
Cyclist Friend Explains Necessity Of $35 Socks #~# MONESSEN, PA—Recreational cyclist Ethan Coseglia, 38, thoroughly explained the benefits of wearing $35 bike-riding socks to his friend Kevin Washburn Friday, saying that his specially designed socks are essential in optimizing his overall cycling performance.
Man Attends 25-Year Nursery School Reunion #~# LA GRANGE, IL—Area man Brian Classon attended his 25-year nursery school reunion on Friday and told reporters he had a great time reconnecting with old friends from nap time. "It's amazing how much everyone has changed, especially Janet Norgren," said Classon, adding that he was happy to see Tom Packard had realized his ambition to become a fireman. "She's like 3 feet taller, has put on quite a bit of weight. But the real surprise is Jeff. He has calmed down a lot." Classon said it was also the first time he had seen his old classmates get totally shit-faced and vomit in a garbage can.
Porn Star's HIV Status Causes Production Delays #~# An adult film actor's positive HIV test led porn producers Vivid Entertainment and Wicked Pictures to halt filming while other actors get tested. What do you think?
Girardi Unsure If CC Sabathia Can Walk Out To Mound On 3 Days' Rest #~# NEW YORK—Yankees manager Joe Girardi admitted to reporters Wednesday that he still had doubts that starter CC Sabathia could muster the energy and strength to endure walking to the mound on just three days' rest. "I'm fairly sure he can make it about halfway to the mound, but he's going to be exhausted," said Girardi, expressing concerns about the wear and tear on his ace pitcher's body. "Usually he only makes it without collapsing on four days' rest, but this is the ALCS, so he might just have to gut it out. Either way, we are going to keep a close eye on his step count." Girardi said he planned to have Sabathia conserve energy by sitting down between pitches, and intended to have seven or eight players carry the 2007 Cy Young winner into the dugout after each inning.
Miami Heat Website Going With Picture Of LeBron James Today #~# MIAMI—After much deliberation, members of the MiamiHeat.com web team decided today that the featured homepage image should depict Miami Heat small forward LeBron James playing basketball.
Brett Favre's Troubled Past #~# Though undeniably talented, Brett Favre has made a habit of getting into strange situations. We look at some of his more remarkable exploits.
I Get That A Lot: Jeremy Piven #~# ABC
I'm Afraid We Will Never Win In Afghanistan Unless Central Command Gets A Pinball Machine #~# As anyone who has been following the news recently can attest, there is very little positive that can be said about the war in Afghanistan. Recent leaks to the media have given the public a glimpse of the sort of hellish realities and demoralizing intelligence that I have to deal with day in and day out. The grim truth is that the Taliban is at its strongest point since the invasion, al-Qaeda is on the rise along the border, and the nation's American-backed government remains mired in corruption and failure. To put it frankly, the U.S. campaign in Afghanistan may be a lost cause.
Miami Heat Spend First Two Weeks Of Training Camp Practicing Pregame Introductions #~# HURLBURT FIELD, FL—After two weeks of intense twice-a-day practices, sources within the Miami Heat organization are reporting that players are already in midseason pregame introduction form. "We spent the first week working on the basics, mostly running out of the tunnel, jumping into one another, and rocking back and forth in a big circle," said newly acquired forward Chris Bosh, still catching his breath Tuesday from a high-five/low-five drill. "But working with guys like LeBron [James] and Dwyane [Wade], it's amazing how quickly we got the feel for one another's preferences. Like just yesterday, Wade and I caught eyes in practice and I instinctively knew he was going to jump into the ring of us starters, and that we should all explode like he was a missile crashing into us." Bosh added that while the Heat is firing on all cylinders, team members are in no position to get complacent, as they could always find more ways to incorporate flames into the introduction.
Report: Crooked Border Guards Planting Illegal Immigrants In Cars #~# WASHINGTON—A federal probe revealed Friday that at least six U.S. border guards have been caught on tape attempting to boost arrests by planting illegal immigrants in cars entering the United States from Mexico. "In a typical scenario, suspected smugglers are asked to step out of their vehicles, and while one agent interrogates them, another slips an undocumented underneath the front seat," said investigator Douglas Jennings, showing grainy surveillance footage to reporters. "One immigrant we know of has been used as evidence in 12 separate cases." The report comes on the heels of allegations last week that Canadian border guards have been slipping extra medication into Americans' cars simply because the drivers looked like they could really use it.
Scandinavians Tops In Gender Equality #~# Four Nordic countries, including Iceland, Norway, Finland, and Sweden, topped a recent survey ranking nations for gender equality. What do you think?
Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—A new study released Monday by sociologists at Indiana University found that women will always answer their telephones unless mind-blowing sex with a man other than the caller prevents them from doing so.
Solar Panels Going On White House #~# President Barack Obama announced that he was putting solar panels on the roof of the White House in order to lead by example in the drive toward renewable energy. Here is a brief history of electricity consumption at the presidential residence:
Art World Relieved As Thieves Steal Pretty Terrible Late Period Renoir Work #~# CHICAGO—The art world let out a collective sigh of relief Tuesday when it was announced that thieves had made off with one of Pierre-Auguste Renoir's more god-awful late-period paintings, 1919's The Great Bathers (The Nymphs). "The palette was too rosy, the brushstrokes were something out of a college art class, and Renoir's gift for capturing his subject's inner mystery seemed to have completely abandoned him—in short, it was garbage and I'm glad it's gone," said Malcolm Stewart, a curator at the Art Institute of Chicago, which has done little to assist the police in their investigation. "This is the best thing to happen to Renoir's oeuvre since he painted his impressionist classic The Umbrellas, which was actually an inspired piece of art and not just decorative schlock." Stewart added that he wanted the thieves to know that Renoir's 1910 painting Jean As Huntsman could currently be viewed in the museum's front lobby next to several easily accessible exits.
Democratic Candidate Shoots Bill In New Ad #~# In an apparent attempt to distance himself from the policies of President Obama, West Virginia Senate candidate Joe Manchin appears in his latest campaign ad shooting the cap-and-trade emissions bill with a rifle. What do you think?
Congress Sets Sail In Search Of Fabled Sword Of Bipartisanship #~# WASHINGTON—Thousands thronged the docks of the capital seaport last week to watch as Congressmen boarded galleys and set sail in search of the Lost Sword of Bipartisanship, a holy relic that according to legend has the power to restore collegial relations and procedural harmony to the legislative branch.
A Quest Across The Aisle #~# Rollover the map pins below to trace Congress' treacherous journey for the Sword of Partisanship. 
Why I Kicked Your Mother's Ass Out #~# CBS
Trapped Chilean Miners Considering How Funny It Would Be If They All Died Right As Rescuers Completed Tunnel #~# COPIAPO, CHILE—With their rescue imminent, the conversation of the 33 miners trapped in the Copiapó copper and gold mine turned to how hilarious it would be if they valiantly endured 68 days trapped underground only to die right when their path to salvation was finished. "Oh man, what if the drill hit a methane pocket above our heads and we all exploded just before they reached us?" Miner Carlos Bugueño Alfaro said as his malnourished comrades struggled to hold back giggles. "Like, right when we’re moments away from getting out? Can you imagine? People would be so freaked out. Or what if we all simultaneously dropped dead right this second from copper toxicity?" This last suggestion reportedly resulted in the miners collapsing into a fit of laughter, which then gave way to a hush as the first pebbles broke loose from the ceiling and the drill penetrated their refuge.
Nova: Kansas Edition #~# PBS
Author, Author! #~# When I announced last month that I had written a book of my own (called A Book Of Jean's Own! ), I got a few reactions that I didn't anticipate. One was from a die-hard Jeanketeer who said he preordered 10 copies! Was I thrilled! But then I noticed he had also e-mailed me photos of himself dressed in an oversized diaper (he kind of looked like a beakless Baby Huey).
High School Equipment Manager To Skip College, Manage Equipment At Professional Level #~# WEST MONROE, LA—Doug Laney, the 5-foot-9-inch senior out of West Monroe High School who has garnered much hype and interest from professional teams throughout the season, announced Sunday that he will become the sixth equipment manager in history to forego college and become an equipment manager in the NBA. "It's a big step, and I know a lot of people are going to say that I'm too young and I'm not ready, but that just means I'll have to work extra hard and make sure all the balls have enough air every night," said Laney, who became the youngest-ever equipment manager to be featured on the cover of Equipment Manager Illustrated magazine in July 2009. "I'm excited. Guys like Paul Ackerston and P.J. Schultz have paved the way for high school equipment managers by making instant impacts on the way professional teams' equipment is managed." Laney is currently serving a three-game suspension for accepting vintage water bottles from a local sporting goods store that were valued at $23.
Couple Discovers Shop That Sells Cakes #~# PORTLAND, OR—Local couple Rich and Kelly Danvers were "delighted" Monday upon discovering a small, quaint retail location in their neighborhood that sells cakes. "Look, a cake shop," said Kelly Danvers, who agreed with her husband that it was nice to have such a business in their neighborhood. "We'll have to check that out sometime." The couple told reporters they would "definitely" keep the place in mind the next time they need to buy a cake.
More States Allow Guns In Bars #~# Four states—Tennessee, Virginia, Georgia, and Arizona—have recently passed laws explicitly allowing licensed gun owners to bring concealed handguns into bars with them. What do you think?
NBC Confirms 'The Event' To Represent America In New Olympic Event #~# NEW YORK—NBC Sports confirmed Friday that the one-hour science-fiction drama The Event will represent the United States in an event recently added to the 2012 Summer Olympics. "This new event calls for perfection, precision, grace, and an innate flare for the dramatic, so we here at NBC can't think of a better competitor than The Event, led by team captain Blair Underwood as President Elias Martinez; Jason Ritter as video-game programmer Sean Walker; and Zeljko Ivanek as Blake, the director of national intelligence who has long kept secrets from the president," NBC Sports chairman Dick Ebersol said during a press conference in which he repeatedly stressed that, with the strengths of both Lost and 24 and none of the weaknesses of V or FlashForward, The Event will shatter every record in the event and have no trouble taking home the gold. "The entire country should do its part and support The Event in 2012. But why wait? Remember The Event airs every Monday at 9 p.m. Eastern, 8 Central. And catch previous episodes of The Event on NBC.com/The-Event." Added Ebersol before leaving the podium, "The Event."
'Stargate SG-1' Fans Disappointed To See Richard Dean Anderson Walk Onto Stage Like A Normal Person #~# NEW YORK—While explaining they were cognizant that no interstellar portals exist in real life, New York Comic Con attendees voiced frustrations Sunday after seeing Richard Dean Anderson, who played the character Jack O'Neill on Stargate SG-1, walk onto the stage as though he were "just some guy." "Obviously, I wasn't expecting them to build an actual working Stargate for him to walk through, but some flashing lights and dry ice or something would've been nice," said audience member Glenn Culson, who added that seeing Anderson in a Polo shirt and slacks rather than his official SGC team uniform was also somewhat underwhelming. "Or the sound. Just play the sound of the Stargate, at least. It wouldn't have been hard." Some Stargate SG-1 fans pointed out that since O'Neill was promoted and moved to Washington, D.C. in later seasons it actually made sense for Anderson not to utilize the Stargate technology.
Sun Chips Abandons Biodegradable Bag #~# After numerous complaints that the new biodegradable Sun Chips bag was "too noisy," Frito Lay announced that it was returning to the original packaging. What do you think?
8-Year-Old Asian Mix Wins Westminster Boy Show #~# NEW YORK—Danny, an 8-year-old Asian mix from Sterling, VA, beat out 2,500 top contenders from around the country Tuesday to win best in show at the 135th annual Westminster Boy Show.
Belichick Begins Laying Groundwork For Nov. 14 Misdirection Play #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Patriots head coach and respected tactician Bill Belichick set various and seemingly random events in motion Monday that he believes will culminate in a brilliant misdirection play during his team's Nov. 14 contest against the Pittsburgh Steelers. "Okay, we need to be working on the long-term details this week, especially our pulling-guard schemes, our wide receiver blocking, the routes we take when we drive to work, and the precise times when we walk our dogs and water our plants," said Belichick, writing each item on a whiteboard under the heading "STEELERS/SPECIAL PACKAGE" before suddenly pausing, looking his team directly in the eyes, and saying cryptically, "Or do we?" "If any of you are seen entering the Shop 'n Save in [Pittsburgh neighborhood] Squirrel Hill next Monday, it's off, and we meet back here at exactly 8:17 p.m." Analysts said the subtlety of Belichick's game-planning cannot be underestimated, and his actions may in fact be a clever smoke screen designed to mask a run-of-the-mill seven-yard slant pass against Detroit on Nov. 25.
ShutterIsland.com Reporting Unexplained Drop In Traffic Since March #~# LOS ANGELES—Less than a year after its launch date, the official website for the film Shutter Island continues to experience a steady decline in visitors, a "baffling" trend that has persisted since March, ShutterIsland.com employees reported Monday.
Clinton, Biden Trading Places? #~# Reporter Bob Woodward said that an exchange of positions between Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Vice President Joe Biden is being considered by the White House. What do you think?
'Good Old Days' Traced Back To Single Weekend In 1948 #~# BOSTON—A study published Monday by a group of linguists, historians, and semioticians has proved the concept of “the good old days” can be traced back to the weekend of June 19, 1948. “After extensive interviews, analysis of personal correspondence, and repeated viewings of that week’s Ed Sullivan Show, we have pinpointed the precise time period this phrase signifies,” said researcher Patrick Washington, explaining that during the 48-hour period, no hard work went unrewarded and normal folks could count on hope for the future. “During this brief window, a man was a man, a woman was a woman, and people had the decency to stop you on the street and say hello. At least until Sunday at 11:53 p.m.” The study also confirmed that throughout these two “good old days” singer Peggy Lee was on the radio and the weather was just perfect.
NHL Finishes Freezing Water For 2011 Season #~# NEW YORK—The National Hockey League announced Thursday that it had finished freezing an estimated 480,000 gallons of water, ensuring that every opening game of the 2010-2011 season would be played completely on ice.
Padres Thought Everyone Who Missed Playoffs Was Supposed To Tear Down Stadium #~# SAN DIEGO—Befuddled San Diego Padres lead owner Jeff Moorad explained Monday that he was under the assumption that every team failing to make the playoffs ripped apart its stadium and rebuilt a new one for next year. "Wait, isn't that the rule?" Moorad, flanked by the entire Padres roster, told reporters just after detonating the 20,000 sticks of dynamite required to reduce 6-year-old Petco Park to rubble. "You're kidding me— We're the only team who blew up our stadium? What about Baltimore? No? Shit." Despite the powerful explosion that destroyed everything within a 3,500-foot radius of the blast, Tony Gwynn's commemorative statue just outside the ballpark remained completely intact.
2010 MLB Playoff Preview #~# As baseball's postseason begins, we take a hard look at each team's chances.
Check Out What You Can Do When You Have Three Ovens In Your House #~# FOOD
I Didn't Become A Secret Service Agent For The Jimmy Carter Midnight To 6 A.M. Shift #~# I became a Secret Service to have one of the most exciting and dangerous jobs in the world. Ever since I was a kid, I've dreamed of standing beside the president of the United States in my suit and aviator glasses, ever vigilant and ready at a moment's notice to kill or die to protect him. My courage and training would be all that stood in the way of a national tragedy; the fate of the free world would hinge on my actions alone.
Nobel Prize Awarded To Man Who Helped Humans Have More Fucking Babies #~# STOCKHOLM—The Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded Monday to Robert Edwards, the British in vitro fertilization pioneer who made it possible for shitloads more babies to be born on top of the half million or so daily births already dangerously stressing the planet's dwindling resources. "The long-term impact of Edwards' work is absolutely staggering," read a statement from the Nobel Assembly describing the technology that allows infertile couples to not only give birth but choose the gender and eye color of their child instead of, say, adopting one of the thousands of tsunami-orphaned children in need of a home. "We congratulate him on finding a way for rich limpdicks to achieve what nearly a million poor couples do by complete fucking accident every day." Nobel officials also awarded the Prize in Chemistry to the inventor of Pepcid antacids, which allow people to eat twice as much goddamn food as anybody needs, and the Prize in Literature to Twilight author Stephenie Meyer, "because fuck it."
Trump Considering Presidential Bid #~# Reality-show star and board-game mascot Donald Trump announced that he was thinking about running for president in 2012. What do you think?
Historians Admit To Inventing Ancient Greeks #~# WASHINGTON—A group of leading historians held a press conference Monday at the National Geographic Society to announce they had “entirely fabricated” ancient Greece, a culture long thought to be the intellectual basis of Western civilization.
Fewer Young Americans Marrying #~# According to the Population Reference Bureau, the proportion of Americans age 25 to 34 who have never been married went up from 35 percent to 46 percent between 2000 and 2009. Here are some of the reasons young people are no longer marrying:
New NBC College Football Poll Gives No. 1 Ranking To 'The Event' #~# NEW YORK—In its official college football poll for the week of Oct. 4, NBC Sports ranked its new prime-time thriller/suspense series The Event in the top spot over such traditional football powerhouses as Alabama, Florida, and recent popular favorite Boise State. "We respect Ohio State's offense, which is nearly but not quite as riveting as the action and stunning revelations of The Event," analyst Keith Arnold wrote on the NBC Sports website Monday. "And even though there are other top-notch programs out there, none of them matches the week-in, week-out quality of The Event. The Event, Mondays, 9 p.m. Eastern, 8 Central. The Event." Arnold went on to speculate that early Heisman favorites Denard Robinson of Michigan and Andrew Luck of Stanford, while explosive quarterbacks, were perhaps not quite as deserving of the award as the explosive new NBC series The Event.
Area Woman Has More Than 200 Products To Help Calm Her #~# DOWNERS GROVE, IL—Local man Karl Weist told reporters Wednesday his girlfriend Celia Page owns more than 200 products designed to serve the sole function of calming her. "Twice a week she comes home from the mall with these body creams, aromatic candles, yoga DVDs, you name it," said Weist, watching Page apply an oatmeal facial mask while simultaneously reading a memoir of one woman's life-changing journey across India. "She's got, like, 10 different kinds of soothing teas, and I've only ever seen her drink tea when she's sick." Weist added that he hasn't broached the subject with Page because she remains a seething cauldron of anger and fury.
Postal Rate Increase Denied #~# Postal regulators have rejected a proposal to increase stamp prices faster than the rate of inflation, blaming a flawed business model for the Post Office’s financial troubles. What do you think?
American People Hire High-Powered Lobbyist To Push Interests In Congress #~# WASHINGTON—Citing a desire to gain influence in Washington, the American people confirmed Friday that they have hired high-powered D.C. lobbyist Jack Weldon of the firm Patton Boggs to help advance their agenda in Congress.
Antiques Roadhouse #~# PBS
NHL To Allow Finishing Moves In Fights This Season #~# NEW YORK—In a policy shift that seems to run counter to the recent emphasis on professional hockey as a game of speed and finesse, the NHL announced Wednesday that it will allow exceptionally graphic finishing moves for the 2010-2011 season. "At any point during an on-ice altercation, if one participant in a fight becomes dizzy or dazed, the arena announcer shall exclaim 'Finish him!'; whereupon the victor shall be given the choice of turning into a dragon and biting off his opponent's torso, ripping the other skater in half with a razor-sharp hat, or removing his hockey mask to reveal a fire-breathing skeletal face before burning his opponent to a crisp," the statement from the NHL Competition Committee read in part. "A two-minute minor penalty will be added to the five-minute fighting major if one combatant turns the other into an infant or offers him a wrapped present." The drastic rule change is believed to be prompted by an on-ice altercation last season after which the Oilers' Zack Stortini held up the skull and spine of the Rangers' Donald Brashear, receiving a three-minute standing ovation.
NASA Relaunches Astronaut Jim Lovell To 'Finish The Job' #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Decades after the failed Apollo 13 moon mission, NASA officials announced on Monday plans to launch former astronaut Jim Lovell back into space to complete the task he was contracted to perform 40 years ago. "Yes, he has been retired for some time now, and yes, he seemed quite surprised when we visited him at his home, but Capt. Lovell was hired to do a job, and we intend to hold him to it," said NASA spokesperson Nancy Paulson, who explained that the 82-year-old would be put through a series of g-force and physical stress tests in preparation for his relaunch. "After all, we did pay him to land on the moon." According to Paulson, the new moon mission will investigate a number of previously unobserved phenomena, including the effects of sending a very elderly man into space to die.
I'll Always Regret Not Saying 'See You Later' To My Father #~# It's been almost a month now, and I still can't believe he's gone. One minute, my father was mowing the lawn, and the next he was being rushed to the hospital with a heart attack. But there was nothing the doctors could do—he just slipped away. Worst of all, I was across the country when he died. For the rest of my life I have to live with the fact that I wasn't there at the very end to look him in the eye one last time and say, "Later, bud."
Fisher-Price Recalls 10 Million Items #~# Toy manufacturer Fisher-Price announced a recall of 10 million toys, high chairs, and tricycles due to safety concerns. What do you think?
Neighborhood Would Make A Great Video Game Level #~# SANGER, CA—Citing the abundance of warehouses, alleys, and places to stash power-ups, area resident Joseph Anders told reporters Tuesday that his neighborhood would make a great video game level. "That house up on the hill would be awesome for the boss fight," said Anders, noting that the gymnasium of his old elementary school might make an ideal location for a save-point. "If you got a jet pack I bet you could find a better sniper rifle up on top of that water tower." Anders added that while he hasn't been down there, he wouldn't be surprised if the local sewer system made a "perfect spot" to hide the orange keycard.
U.N. Appoints First Ambassador To Aliens #~# Malaysian astrophysicist Mazlan Othman has been designated as the first person extraterrestrial aliens will have contact with, should they exist and visit. What do you think?
Wade, Bosh, James Out For Season After Injuring Selves On First Layup Drill Of Training Camp #~# FORT WALTON BEACH, FL—Moments after stepping onto the practice court for the team's first layup drill of training camp Tuesday, Miami Heat stars Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, and LeBron James sustained consecutive season-ending injuries. "The team separated into two lines, Dwyane took the first layup, and he tore his MCL on his first step toward the hoop," Heat president Pat Riley told members of the media. "By the time we got him off the court, Bosh was on the ground holding his foot because he'd ruptured his Achilles tendon during the same drill. And then rebounder Carlos Arroyo gave the ball to LeBron, who dribbled twice and collapsed gasping. Apparently, he's contracted mitochondrial abnormalities that cause him to fatigue and pass out. So, that's that. There goes our season." Following the injuries, the remaining Miami Heat players reportedly introduced themselves to one other.
Valpak: The Show #~# USA
97-Year-Old Dies Unaware Of Being Violin Prodigy #~# ROCKFORD, IL—Retired post office branch manager Nancy Hollander, 97, died at her home of natural causes Tuesday, after spending her life completely unaware that she was one of the most talented musicians of the past century and possessed the untapped ability to become a world-class violin virtuoso.
The Event #~# DISC
After Long Season, Mere Thought Of Double-Play Ball Makes Second Baseman Nauseated #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Toronto Blue Jays second baseman Aaron Hill told reporters Saturday evening that after 161 games of baseball, the mere thought of a double-play ball rolling toward the middle infield is enough to make him feel physically ill. "As soon as a runner reaches first, my mind starts filling with thoughts of what I'll have to do if a ground ball is hit to myself or [shortstop] Yunel [Escobar], and I actually start gagging," said Hill, going into even more vivid detail surrounding his thoughts of shallow pop flies. "I'm basically just rooting for strike outs and home runs at this point." When asked if he carried the same sentiment with regard to his plate appearances, Hill explained that he stopped swinging at pitches weeks ago.
Teen With Cancer Vows It Won't Keep Her From Being Mean, Moody Little Shit #~# RACINE, WI—Despite having been diagnosed four months ago with an often fatal form of adolescent leukemia, 15-year-old Van Buren High School sophomore Rachel Fullerton told reporters Tuesday that she refuses to let the disease prevent her from being a nasty, spiteful little shit.
Executions Postponed Due To Drug Shortage #~# A national shortage of the anesthetic sodium thiopental has states scrambling to find a suitable replacement for scheduled executions. What do you think?
Exhausted Ken Burns Urges Baseball To Stop #~# WALPOLE, NH—Exhausted and haggard documentarian Ken Burns begged Major League Baseball to cease operations Tuesday, saying that any future games, trades, or league action would warrant further installments of the filmmaker’s sprawling, now 23-hour-long documentary Baseball.
Red Sox Figure It's Worth It To Just Ask Bud Selig For Playoff Spot #~# BOSTON—Players and personnel within the Red Sox organization collectively decided Monday that simply coming out and asking MLB Commissioner Bud Selig if they could have a spot in the 2010 playoffs "couldn't hurt" their odds of missing the postseason any more than their poor finish in the division. "I'll mention that we've got a lot of fans who would love to watch us keep playing, and then I'll just ask, 'Can the Red Sox please be in the playoffs this year?'" general manager Theo Epstein said during a recent NESN interview. "After all, the worst he could say is no." Epstein added that depending on the feel of the meeting, he might also inquire about a first-round bye.
How Big Ben Spent His Suspension #~# Ben Roethlisberger is returning to football after an NFL-imposed four-game ban. Here's how he spent his time off:
The Wendy Williams Show #~# FOX
Ask A Travel Agent Trying To Hold On To His Last Client #~# Dear Travel Agent Trying To Hold On To His Last Client,
Color-Coded Alert System Canceled #~# The Department of Homeland Security is discontinuing the color-coded threat advisory system that has been in place since March 2002. What do you think?
New Study Finds Blacks More Likely #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—A Harvard University study of more than 2,500 middle-income African-American families found that, when compared to other ethnic groups in the same income bracket, blacks were up to 23 percent more likely. "Our data would seem to discredit the notion that black Americans are less likely," said head researcher Russell Waterstone, noting the study also found that women of African descent were no more or less prone than Latinas. "In fact, over the past several decades, we've seen the African-American community nearly triple in probability." The study noted that, furthermore, Asian-Americans.
Disgusted TSA Agents Also Calling For End To Body Scanning, Thorough Pat-Downs #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Following a Thanksgiving weekend in which agents were compelled to perform full-body scans and invasive pat-downs of millions of obese, exceedingly unhygienic American travelers, visibly disgusted Transportation Security Administration officials said Monday they were joining critics in opposing the controversial new security measures. "After inspecting nude images of some of the most revoltingly unmaintained bodies in the world, we must call for an immediate end to these federally mandated scans," said TSA chief John Pistole, who was forced to pause several times during a press conference when his gag reflex was triggered by the visual aids being presented to reporters. "Furthermore, intimate contact with the actual sweaty genitals of these nauseating individuals thousands of times a day has convinced us no one deserves to be subjected to this horrible procedure. The rubber gloves do not make it better." Several TSA agents have suggested the new security protocols should remain in effect anytime Modern Family star Sofía Vergara is traveling domestically or internationally.
'Sarah Palin's Alaska' Ratings Fall #~# The number of viewers of the Sarah Palin reality series Sarah Palin's Alaska fell 40 percent between the first and second episodes. What do you think?
'NFL On Fox' Host Blasted For Failing To Razz Terry Bradshaw #~# LOS ANGELES—Curt Menefee, host of Fox's successful pregame show Fox NFL Sunday, received a stern warning from studio executives Monday for his failure to razz analyst Terry Bradshaw on at least six separate occasions during Sunday's broadcast. "Our award-winning NFL coverage is founded upon three central tenets: covering every angle, breaking every story, and really giving it to Terry about his bald head or dopey accent," said Fox Sports CEO David Hill, who later confirmed that James Brown's refusal to make fun of Bradshaw's lack of intelligence played a role in the former host's release. "Curt needs to shape up a little and remember that he's a journalist with a job to do." When asked for comment on the matter, Menefee released a statement of apology and admitted that he "spaced out a bit Sunday…kind of like Michael Strahan's front teeth."
Terrified FDA Warns Something Making Bananas Black After Several Days #~# WASHINGTON—The Food and Drug Administration made an emergency announcement Monday to alert all U. S. citizens that "a force or forces unknown" is turning seemingly normal bananas black, soft, and virtually inedible in as little as 72 hours. "Whatever is causing the dramatic and frankly disgusting changes in these bananas is able to penetrate any container and is completely undetectable by any known instrument," said visibly shaken FDA commissioner Dr. Margaret Hamburg, adding that the black sections of banana were "quite mushy and gross." "We urge anyone currently in possession of normal yellow bananas to consume them immediately, before this mysterious blackening malignancy can strike—and it will strike." The disturbing news comes only weeks after the FDA's announcement that bananas' tough, fibrous outer layer should always be removed before consumption.
20,000 Sacrificed In Annual Blood Offering To Corporate America #~# WILMINGTON, DE—The nation looked on in reverence Friday as 20,000 citizens were decapitated, dismembered, and burned alive in the name of Corporate America, continuing the age-old annual rite to ensure bounteous profits in the coming fiscal year.
Farming With The Stars #~# NBC
Chasing Gypsies #~# A&E;
Bud Selig Name-Drops Willie Mays At Party #~# ORLANDO, FL—While attending a recent party following one of Major League Baseball's winter meetings Monday, Commissioner Bug Selig mentioned Hall of Fame outfielder Willie Mays repeatedly throughout the night, recounting numerous anecdotes of meeting, talking to, and being in the same restaurant as the former Giant. "A couple of us were debating why home runs were down this year, when out of nowhere Bud jumps in telling us what his 'buddy Willie' said it was like to hit 500 home runs," New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon said. "He clearly wanted us to ask 'Willie who?' the entire time, but none of us would give him the satisfaction. Eventually he showed us that he had Willie Mays' number in his phone. It was pathetic." Later Selig was seen regaling New York Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner with the story of the time he met Derek Jeter.
Enchanting Evening Spent With Parents, Friends Of Parents #~# LANSDALE, PA—According to delighted reports, 25-year-old Brian Hatcher spent a most exquisite Saturday evening in the enchanting company of not only his parents, Mike, 54, and Diane, 53, but also their dear friends and longtime canasta partners Doug and Trudy Blanchard, both 53.
Tournament Bass Refuses To Talk To Reporters After Tough Day Getting Caught #~# LEWISVILLE, TX—A 7-pound, 18-inch largemouth bass bypassed reporters and went straight back into the water Saturday following a demoralizing defeat at the Bassmaster Lake Lewisville Shootout. "This is a fish who prides himself on going out to that weed bed every day and eluding anglers, and you could see the disgust on his face," Bassmaster official Travis Hessman said. "There's no answer for how a bass who has been doing this for so long could get hooked on such a shoddy crankbait, and that's something he'll just have to live with until the next tournament." Hessman added that the bass would be fined $30,000 for failing to fulfill his media obligations.
Responsible Holiday Drinking #~# People tend to drink more over the holiday season. How will you drink responsibly this year?
Frustrated Obama Sends Nation Rambling 75,000-Word E-Mail #~# WASHINGTON—Having admittedly "reached the end of [his] rope," President Barack Obama sent a rambling 75,000-word e-mail to the entire nation Wednesday, revealing deep frustrations with America's political culture, his presidency, U.S. citizens, and himself.
Upcoming Athlete Biopics #~# Hollywood is still obsessed with sports, as these life stories of athletes now in production demonstrate.
Oh, Deer #~# FOX
As Chief Of Police, I Believe Even 500 Murders Is Too Many #~# Having served as your police chief for the past eight months, I'm proud of the improvements made on my watch. Violent crime is down 3 percent, and that means we're headed in the right direction. While that's an excellent start, it still falls short of what I believe law enforcement can and should be doing. Because in my book, even 500 murders a year is too many.
A Classic Jason Somehow Gets Mixed Into Area Man's Anecdote Collection #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—While regaling guests at a house party Saturday, 31-year-old Phil Carver acknowledged that a classic Jason had somehow found its way into his usual repertoire of personal anecdotes. "I was halfway through the story when I realized, 'Hey, what am I saying? This is definitely a Jason I'm telling right now,"' said Carver, who was "baffled" as to how he had missed the telltale marks of a classic Jason and mistaken it for his own. "I felt especially bad because it was the road-trip-through-Tennessee-back-in- college Jason, which is a signature Jason through and through." After Carver went home, several partygoers were overheard remarking that the embarrassing faux pas was vintage Phil.
Americans Give Thanks #~# Today, Americans across the nation are celebrating Thanksgiving. What do you think?
Shaq Shows He Can Still Dominate Around Basket Of Fries #~# BOSTON—In an impressive display of physical prowess, gutsy determination, and insatiable hunger, Celtics center Shaquille O'Neal proved all his doubters wrong Wednesday when the 38-year-old showed that he was still one of the most dominant big men around the basket of fries.
Britain To Chart Happiness #~# Beginning in the spring of 2011, the government of the United Kingdom will conduct regular surveys of the happiness and well-being of its citizens. Here are some of the variables that will be measured:
Fans Admit They Have No Clue Why They Want Former Player To Manage #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Local fans admitted today they have no clue why they desperately want a former star player to manage their favorite team next year, saying that if they looked at the situation rationally, he really has no managerial experience whatsoever. "I guess I really like the idea of him putting on the uniform again, but I think that's only because it reminds me of how much I cheered for him when he was a player, and has pretty much nothing to do with his actual coaching ability," said fan Michael Hugel, adding that for some reason he would be† happier if the job went to the former player as opposed to somebody he's never heard of, even if the unknown person was clearly better suited for the position. "It's not like [the former player] would be playing. He would just be sitting there making decisions he's probably not qualified to make. Yet I still think it would pretty cool. Why am I being so irrational?" Hugel later added that hiring the former player would be worth it for the moment when his name is announced on opening day.
Group That Makes Dodge Truck Commercials Called 'Creative Team' #~# LOS ANGELES—The group of professional adults responsible for making television commercials in which Dodge trucks drive through various wilderness environments or haul noticeably heavy objects is referred to by the auto manufacturer as "the creative team," sources confirmed Tuesday. "As creative director, my job is to convey to the consumer in a meaningful way the ongoing vitality of the Dodge Ram brand," said senior vice president Frank Hammond, whose sole contribution to his company's most recent campaign was to suggest the ads "show the tires more." Hammond's team of 15 people, all of whom have the word "creative" in their titles, most re≠cently produced a $4.5 million 30-second spot that features the 2011 Dodge Ram 1500 stopping abruptly at the edge of a cliff.
St. Louis Rated Most Dangerous City #~# A study of crime statistics showed that, with 2,070.1 violent crimes per 100,000 residents, St. Louis was the most violent city in the United States in 2009. What do you think?
'L.A. Law' Wikipedia Page Viewed 874 Times Today #~# SAN FRANCISCO—According to an analysis of IP addresses and Internet traffic statistics, the Wikipedia page for the 1980s-era NBC legal drama L.A. Law has been viewed a total of 874 times today.
B-Roll Diaries #~# BRAVO
Report: Nuke Watchers Drunk On Job #~# A memo from the Department of Energy reported that, between 2007 and 2009, there were 16 incidents of agents transporting nuclear weapons while drunk. What do you think?
Mom, Jeremy Won't Let Me Create An Atmosphere Of Sustained Menace #~# He's doing it again, Mom. Mom! Jeremy's doing it again. Tell him to stop! I'm serious. All I'm trying to do is cultivate and maintain an atmosphere of sustained menace, and he won't let me. It's not fair!
That Exactly Why Team Picked Up Player In Offseason #~# NEW YORK—That right there, that play in which the team's main offseason acquisition outshone everyone else on the playing field for that brief period of time, is exactly why this team brought that player to this organization for a large sum of money, sources reported Friday. "Sometimes you're a little weak in that area of play and you need to go out and bring in a high-energy guy like that who can help take you to the next level," said a former coach in the broadcast booth whose general manager did the exact same thing before the one championship season he experienced. "That's why he's here. To be the final piece of the puzzle this team has been seeking for so long." Later in the game, the veteran player made an indefensible and costly mistake, causing fans in attendance to boo, angrily ask why team management wasted so much money on him, and question whether or not he should just retire.
Coach Has Difficulty Describing What Sort Of Win That Was #~# ORLANDO, FL—Following his team's 89-72 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies Monday, Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy struggled to characterize the victory at a postgame press conference, saying that the win was not emotional, dominating, close, or important. "You really couldn't call this an ugly win, since we outscored them in every quarter, but it certainly wasn't a good win, either, because we played a little sloppy early on and made a number of mistakes," said Van Gundy, who also ruled out the win being either easy, or tough, or having made some sort of statement to the rest of the league. "And it definitely wasn't a must-win. With 72 games remaining this season, it isn't going to help or hurt our playoff prospects. It just sort of was." Grizzlies head coach Lionel Hollins, however, instantly confirmed that his team's defeat was "another piece of shit loss."
George W. Bush Forgets To Mention 9/11 In Memoir #~# WASHINGTON—While his new book details tense relationships within his administration and admits mistakes were made in the execution of the Iraq War, former president George W. Bush totally blanked on the 9/11 terrorist attacks while writing his memoir Decision Points. "He ends one chapter on what seems like a telling note, saying he felt nothing significant had happened in his first six months in office, but then the next chapter begins, 'It was almost Thanksgiving, and my approval rating was sky-high,'" reviewer Glen Harwell wrote Thursday, noting that Bush's account of the 2001 presidential turkey-pardoning dominates the next 3,000 words of the book. "It appears he just plain forgot to mention what many would call the defining moment of his presidency." Bush has already received criticism for claiming in the memoir that the worst moment of his years in the White House came when entertainer Kanye West sharply criticized him "over issues I cannot even recall at this time."
The Clemency Of Cranberry #~# President Obama's personal flowchart deconstructing the ethics of pardoning the Thanksgiving turkey. Watch the full Onion News Network report on Obama's pardon now.
Harry Potter Opens At No. 1 #~# The seventh installment in the Harry Potter movie series, Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 1, opened No. 1 at the box office this weekend with a worldwide take of $330 million. What do you think?
Babies Where You Wouldn't Expect Them #~# TLC
Duke Doing Something Indicates College Basketball Season Either Starting, Ending, Or Ongoing #~# DURHAM, NC—The sudden appearance of photos of Duke basketball players in national newspapers—as well as video of the school's marching band and Dick Vitale talking about the team on television—has led the nation to believe that something is currently happening with Duke basketball, arousing suspicions that the 2010-11 NCAA men's basketball season has either just begun, is about to begin, or has just ended. "I was flipping through USA Today and saw a picture of Coach K in his Duke collared shirt, not his Team USA collared shirt, so I think something is going on college-basketball-wise," Ohio resident Greg Evans told reporters. "In the picture he was yelling at young men who appeared to be Blue Devils players. Maybe it was a season preview. Or maybe it was a midseason report. Maybe it's March Madness." Evans added that similar things were probably happening at the University of North Carolina.
Al-Qaeda Marching Band To Join Macy's Parade After Incredible Audition #~# NEW YORK—Following an audition that "knocked [their] socks off," organizers of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade announced today they would allow the al-Qaeda Marching Band, the musical performance division of the international terrorist organization, to participate in the 84th-annual holiday event. "Macy's has no affiliation with the political agenda of al-Qaeda and in no way endorses its stated goal of destroying the imperialist secular West," said Bob Carlson, a spokesperson for the department store. "But their choreography is just—wow. The costumes, the sass, the showmanship. These guys brought their A-game, and the drum line is just sensational." Al-Qaeda Marching Band director Ibrahim al-Faisal told reporters being selected to perform in the parade was "a great honor," adding that his group looked forward to wowing the crowd and setting off a dirty bomb in the heart of Manhattan.
New Evidence Proves First Flag Made By Betsy Ross Actually Shirt For Gay Friend #~# PHILADELPHIA—Historians at the University of Pennsylvania announced the discovery this week of a personal diary from the late 18th century that reveals the first U.S. flag sewed by Betsy Ross was originally intended as a shirt for her flamboyant gay friend Nathaniel.
Is This Your Kid? #~# PBS
Chad Pennington Getting Into Groove After Season-Ending Shoulder Injury #~# MIAMI—After struggling to find his rhythm during the two plays he actually spent on the field last Sunday, Dolphins quarterback Chad Pennington finally looked like his old self against the Bears Thursday night, sitting on the bench with a season-ending shoulder injury. "He was poised and comfortable out there—like the Pennington of old," said receiver Brandon Marshall, who caught three passes for 41 yards from quarterback Tyler Thigpen. "Watching him move up and down the sideline with his arm in a sling congratulating players as they came off the field reminded me how effective Chad can really be." Pennington's trademark style of play is expected to cause him to retire in the next few weeks.
Pop Culture Expert Surprisingly Not Ashamed Of Self #~# LOS ANGELES—According to reports, 29-year-old online commentator Caroline Shelham is somehow not completely ashamed of her own well-established identity as a "pop culture expert."
Should Boys Get HPV Vaccine? #~# Medical professionals are currently deciding whether using the HPV vaccine to decrease the risk of certain cancers in boys is worth the cost of the immunization treatment. What do you think?
Movie Theater Employee Hurt By Customer's Comments About High Price Of Popcorn #~# PORTLAND, OR—Regal Lloyd Center 10 Cinema employee Justine Terrin told reporters Friday that a customer had deeply hurt her feelings by complaining aloud about the price of popcorn. "I was absolutely shattered—what on earth would make a person say something like that?" said Terrin, recounting how the customer turned to his friend and said $5 for a small bag of popcorn was "a little ridiculous." "The most devastating part was that he obviously knew I could hear what he was saying, and he didn't even care. It shook me to my core." Explaining that she was so distraught she had to take the rest of her shift off, Terrin told reporters she was considering working in another field such as telemarketing.
Kevin Durant Accidentally Reveals NBA Uses System Of Ropes, Pulleys To Help Players Dunk #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—Following a 109-103 victory over the Philadelphia 76ers last Wednesday, fourth-year player Kevin Durant accidentally revealed one of the NBA's most carefully guarded secrets: that for more than 60 years, the league's players have been using a complex system of ropes and pulleys to help them dunk the basketball.
Brett Favre Claims He's One Loss Away From Career-Ending Injury #~# EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Though Vikings quarterback Brett Favre confirmed his ailing right shoulder was "no big deal right now" and that the broken bones in his left foot were "uncomfortable but endurable" for the moment, the three-time MVP told reporters Thursday that one more loss could exacerbate his injuries to the point where he would have to retire. "At this level, and at my age, it would take just one game-breaking play—a deep pass, a long run, anything—by the opposing offense to aggravate an injury to the point where I can't go on," said Favre, who later claimed his injuries become more serious with each defeat he suffers. "It's entirely possible for any given team on our schedule to outscore me so badly I can't physically continue my heroic streak of consecutive starts." Favre also added that any victory he led the 3-6 Vikings to this season would be an amazing display of toughness.
Sports Commentator Trophies #~# John Madden's Thanksgiving tradition of awarding turkey legs to the day's top players has inspired other sportscasters to hand out honors of their own. Here are some of the more notable commentator-awarded trophies:
About FactZone with Brooke Alvarez #~# FactZone with Brooke Alvarez is the highest-rated prime-time cable news show in America, offering breaking news updates, in-depth reporting, insightful analysis of current events, and constant monitoring of public opinion through online polls, viewer tweets, and U-Reports. The winner of three "Swoosh Awards For Most Awesome News Graphics" since its debut in 2006, no other news show has done more to bombard viewers with an unrelenting stream of essential information.
About The Onion News Network #~#  The Onion News Network is the most popular 24-hour cable news network in America, delivering hard-hitting, up-to-the-minute reporting to more than 100 million households nationwide. The network boasts more attack satellites than any other news organization and no other channel has more secret surveillance cameras in homes, businesses, and high-level government offices. Onion News Network is truly the most powerful name in news.
Making Family Gatherings Stress-Free #~# Hosting a large dinner is always stressful, but when it's a family gathering for a holiday like Thanksgiving, it can be downright excruciating. Here are some tips to help you survive your relatives this holiday season:
Prince William Engaged #~# The engagement of Prince William to his longtime girlfriend Kate Middleton was announced Tuesday. What do you think?
Rare Autographed Portrait Of Jesus Purchased At Estate Sale #~# STROUDSBURG, PA—An oil portrait of Jesus Christ bearing what turned out to be a rare autograph of the Son of God was purchased for $65 at an estate sale last weekend, religious relic experts said Tuesday. "Careful examination of the signature's authentic Aramaic cursive loop on the 'J' and 'C,' plus the distinctive early-A.D. touch of underlining the name and adding a couple of jaunty diagonal dashes, confirms that it is indeed genuine," collectibles appraiser Mike Shankman told reporters, describing the signed message that reads "Gary, best of luck!" "These are actually a lot rarer than you'd think. What a great find." As of press time, one Greek Orthodox antiquarian had offered a conflicting appraisal, saying that while the signature was definitely that of Christ, the Savior may have been amusing Himself by autographing a painting of singer/ actor Kris Kristofferson.
Horrified Man Looks On Powerlessly As He Ruins Date #~# DAYTON, OH—What was intended as a routine first date went horribly awry Tuesday night as local man Kevin Parker, 29, could do little more than stand by and watch himself ruin his chances with 28-year-old Vanessa Carmine.
Panel Chairmen: Cut $200 Billion From Budget #~# The chairmen of a bipartisan panel on reducing the federal budget deficit have outlined a proposal that, among other things, calls for boosting the federal gas tax, raising the retirement age, and reducing corporate tax rates to as low as 26 percent. Here are some of their other suggestions:
Study: Majority Of Highlights Boring #~# UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—A three-year study of highlights across all major sports concluded that 94 percent of televised top plays and incredible displays of skill were in fact pretty boring. "Our data, accumulated by interviews and surveys of more than 600 sports fans watching an average of two hours of highlights a day, show that once you've seen one big dunk, long touchdown run, amazing college-football reception, or game-saving snow-cone catch, you've pretty much seen them all, really," said Leslie Timms, a researcher at the John Curley Center for Sports Journalism at Penn State University. "Without the larger context of the games in which they're actually played, most highlights have little emotional impact whatsoever. Especially home runs. Christ, our study confirmed there is nothing more boring than watching a bunch of home runs. 'Watch the ball go far, far away!' Who gives a shit?" The Curley Center also courted controversy last year with its findings that fantasy sports were for pathetic losers who would rather read a stat column than actually watch a game.
Row Of Asterisks Spices Up Otherwise Ordinary E-Mail #~# HOUSTON—Seven minds were blown Monday when employees of Houston Seed and Supply opened an e-mail containing a row of asterisks, a groundbreaking textual embellishment that recipients said caught them off guard but utterly captured their imaginations. "At first it seemed like any other e-mail, but nothing could prepare me for what I was about to encounter," said sales representative Stanley Tersh, explaining how the row of asterisks had "made [his] week." "Scrolling down, it took me a second to even process it. I mean, there had to be at least twenty of them." Tersh said the asterisks, which he described as looking like multiple diamonds exploding in unison, overshadowed the content of the e-mail, which may or may not have been about there being birthday cake in the conference room.
Zero Percent Of Lesbian-Raised Children Report Abuse #~# According to a study from the UCLA, zero percent of children who were raised by a lesbian couple reported being victims of physical or sexual abuse. What do you think?
World's Power Brokers Hold Annual Summit Where They Show Each Other Their Penises #~# ST. MORITZ, SWITZERLAND—One hundred fifty of the world's most powerful people in the fields of politics, banking, business, and media met this past weekend at an exclusive Swiss resort for the 54th annual invitation-only summit where they show each other their penises.
Dirty Kids #~# DISC
General Hospital #~# ABC
The Ricky Jay Show #~# VS
The Four Seasons Of Smoove #~# Watching the seasons change puts Smoove in a reflective state of mind. When Smoove becomes reflective, he begins to ponder the essential nature of romance. Many have noticed that my thoughts on this subject have become deeper over the years and, perhaps, more spiritual. Some have even gone so far as to call me the Dalai Lama of Love.
NFL Sends Thousands Of Volunteers To Help Clean Up NFC West #~# NEW YORK—The NFL deployed thousands of volunteers Wednesday along with $4.6 million in football supplies to assist in the dilapidated NFC West's rebuilding effort. "This division is a total disaster," said Fred Hudson, co-leader of the NFC West Response Team, who vowed to work every day until the division was restored to tolerable condition following its battering by massive waves of defense and deadly special teams play. "Until the second group of volunteers arrives next week, our main goal is to rebuild all the offensive lines and supply each team with urgently needed quarterbacks. It's not enough, but it's a start." At press time, actor Sean Penn had arrived in the devastated area and was helping the wide receivers of the San Francisco 49ers with their route running.
Clinton To Appear In 'Hangover 2' #~# People magazine reported that former president Bill Clinton would appear in the sequel to the popular Todd Phillips comedy The Hangover. What do you think?
Obama Returns From India With These Gross Candies For Everyone #~# WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama returned from a recent diplomatic visit to India with several boxes of these disgusting candies that taste, smell, and look really weird, grossed-out White House sources reported Monday. "I feel bad for not wanting to eat them, but they're just awful," said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, adding that Obama set the candies out in a common area and frequently checked to determine if anyone was eating the disgusting things. "They make me want to puke. One is like this log of sour paste surrounded by some kind of seeds, and another is really hard but tastes like soap. I think these jellied things might be aloe-flavored." Gibbs also confirmed that Obama's attempt to prepare aloo gobhi, an Indian dish consisting of cauliflower and potatoes sautéed in garam masala, stunk up the entire White House.
Dominant Kevin Garnett: 'This Is My House! This Is Where I Eat And Sleep Every Night!' #~# BOSTON—Known throughout the NBA as an extremely territorial player, Kevin Garnett asserted his dominance over his Boston-area kitchen and dining room with an aggressively vocal statement Sunday. "This is my house! You hear me? Mine! This is where I watch my TV and eat my cereal! Where I eat cereal every day!" said the 2004 Most Valuable Player, punctuating his house-proud remarks by slapping his chest and the countertop between his coffeemaker and toaster. "You don't just bring your stuff in here! You call me and ask—politely—if you can drop by. You gotta respect my house! Because I take care of it and clean it at least once a week! I'm thinking about adding another wing, maybe a film room! What do you think?!? You think a film room would be nice?!?" Garnett then asked the assembled reporters not to print his exact address so that the Mavericks would not be able to bother him.
Company To Get Head Start On Christmas Layoffs This Year #~# OAK BROOK, IL—Confirming their intention not to wait until the last minute the way they usually do, executives at Visatex Inc. said Friday they planned to get an early start on this year's Christmas layoffs. "I'm always so busy that I've been getting to our layoff list later and later each holiday season," said CEO Thomas Bar≠naby, adding that some of his more organized executive friends get all their terminations out of the way by Thanksgiving. "Last year we got so backed up that a few people didn't find out they were getting let go until Christmas Eve." Company officials added that they hoped the head start would give them a chance to actually relax and enjoy the holidays for once.
Cigarette Packaging May Graphically Depict Disease #~# To underscore the dangers of smoking, the FDA has proposed requiring packs of cigarettes to carry images of diseased lungs or corpses. What do you think?
Department Of Education Study Finds Teaching These Little Shits No Longer Worth It #~# WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Education released a comprehensive, nationwide evaluation of American schools Monday indicating that attempts to teach absolutely anything to these little shits is just a huge waste of everybody's time.
Life After Inconsiderate People #~# HIST
Report: Michael Vick Getting Confident Enough To Do Something Terrible Again #~# PHILADELPHIA—Eagles quarterback Michael Vick, who on Wednesday added an NFC Player of the Week award to the Player of the Month honors he received in September, has regained his former confidence to the point that he will soon be ready to commit a horrifying act, sources close to Vick said Friday. "Clearly he's playing like the electrifying Michael Vick of five years ago, the quarterback who was selected to three Pro Bowls, handed the Packers their first-ever home playoff loss, and had the bald arrogance to kill underperforming fighting dogs with his bare hands and think he would get away with it," said an Eagles staffer who was "astounded and impressed" that Vick also leads the NFL in passer rating and asked not to be identified for fear of retribution. "Every team in the league, and every member of civilized society, has seen what Vick is capable of when he's playing like this." Regardless of his performance on or off the field this season, Vick will be mentored by Tony Dungy.
Family Takes Rare Trip To The Good Mall #~# CORAL GABLES, FL—In a noteworthy departure from their usual shopping routine, the Dietrich family announced today that they would forego the regular mall near their home in favor of the good mall, located 45 minutes away.
Dad Reaches Age Where It's No Longer Enjoyable To Make Fun Of How Old He Is #~# ALEXANDRIA, LA—Area father John Siefkes has officially reached an age at which it is no longer possible to take pleasure in jokes about how he has passed his prime, family sources reported Saturday. “I used to razz him whenever we’d play tennis by saying, ‘Looks like your eyesight is going, old timer!’” son Christopher Siefkes said while watching his father fumble with a can opener in the kitchen. “But now that he has severe glaucoma and truly debilitating arthritis, what am I supposed to do, make fun of him? It’s not funny. It’s sad.” The younger Siefkes then opened a beer, sat down at the table, and contemplated his own tenuous grasp on mortality.
Phones May Help Diagnose STDs #~# British researchers are developing a computer chip that uses a smartphone and a saliva or urine sample to determine what, if any, sexually transmitted disease the user has. What do you think?
Careless Blazers Goofing Around With Basketball Shatter Greg Oden Into Thousand Pieces #~# PORTLAND, OR—Although Portland Trail Blazers coach Nate McMillan has repeatedly warned his team about using the basketball around "valuable" and "really fragile" center Greg Oden, several players accidentally knocked the seven-footer to the floor with a carelessly thrown ball Thursday and shattered him into a thousand pieces.
Writer's-Blocked Buster Olney Only Able To Write 90,000 Words On Cliff Lee #~# BRISTOL, CT—Citing a crippling inability to think of anything at all to say, ESPN columnist Buster Olney stared at his computer screen for five hours Friday night after typing a mere 90,000 words of background information, speculation, and analysis on free-agent pitcher Cliff Lee. "I'm completely blocked," a bleary-eyed Olney told reporters, adding that he could only muster 10,000 words on Cliff Lee's poise. "His value to a team, the impression he made in Texas, what it would mean if he were to go to the Yankees—I barely squeaked out 40,000 words on that. I just need something, anything, some sort of spark to get me going." Remembering the white spot on the bill of Cliff Lee's baseball cap inspired another 9,000 words, but Olney eventually e-mailed his editor at ESPN, called himself a hack, confessed that he didn't deserve to be called a baseball analyst anymore, and submitted 14 articles on Derek Jeter's Golden Glove selection.
NFL 2010 Midseason Highlights #~# While it's still anyone's league halfway through the season, the first nine weeks of pro football have provided some undeniably intriguing moments.
Sons Of Anarchy #~# FX
When I'm Gone, They'll All Be Sorry vs. Didn't He Kill Himself Last Year? #~# I'll show them. I'll show everybody. They may not appreciate me now, but mark my words, when I'm dead and buried they'll be sorry. Oh, the deep, deep sorrow they will all feel, wishing they could bring me back, regretting all those things they said to me.
Rural South Dakotan Walks Away From First Encounter With Jewish Man, Shaken But Unharmed #~# SELBY, SD—According to local resident Hank Tyson's firsthand account, the 51-year-old service-shop owner was left rattled but unharmed Wednesday after engaging in small talk with a man who turned out to be Jewish. "It seemed like any other conversation at first, but once I realized he was Jewish, I could feel my blood pressure go up and everything started moving in slow motion," said Tyson, claiming the sequence of events that followed "felt like some kind of awful dream," from the man's subtle gesturing to his repeated questions about how to get to I-94. "You never think anything like this will happen to you until it does." Following the encounter, Tyson drove home, kissed his wife, and told his children he loved them.
Do Toning Shoes Really Work? #~# A study by the University of Wisconsin–La Crosse suggests that toning shoes—special exercise shoes with rounded bottoms—provide no benefit over regular shoes. What do you think?
Poll Finds Majority Of Male Voters Would Have Elected Naked Woman #~# WASHINGTON—A CNN/Gallup Poll released Monday revealed that a vast majority of registered male voters would have strongly supported a naked woman in the 2010 midterm elections.
Cast Your Vote #~# Which candidate would you have voted for?
MGM Files For Bankruptcy #~# Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Inc., the company that owns the Rocky and James Bond franchises, the American International Pictures and United Artists libraries, and the MGM Casino, filed for bankruptcy in a New York court last week. Here are some of the reasons the entertainment giant went so far into debt:
NBA.com Video Of Sixers-Wizards Game Fails To Go Viral #~# NEW YORK—A 29-second video clip of Wizards rookie John Wall driving to the hoop for a layup against the Sixers has failed to achieve viral status on the Internet, NBA.com sources confirmed Wednesday. "We really thought people would send this thing around," the website's spokesperson Morgan Dunn said of the video that, at press time, had 144 views. "I don't get it. If you're a basketball fan—and there's millions of them out there—this is exactly the kind of thing you'd want to see. We even put in a little Digg thing there and made it easy to tweet." Despite the setback, NBA.com said that a new video of Lakers center Pau Gasol answering a question in a postgame interview should "blow up" immediately after it's posted this Friday.
Local Man Foremost Expert On What The Terrorists Should Do If They Really Want To Hurt Us #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—Area feed store manager and local terrorist expert Wendell Butler offered up another one of his brilliant theories Friday outlining exactly what the terrorists should do if they really want to hurt the United States. "I'll tell you what would absolutely demoralize us is if they hit Disneyland," said the 48-year-old high school graduate, whose vast knowledge of how terrorists operate and what the consequences of their potential actions would be is truly unmatched. "With all the families there it would just be devastating. And it's Disneyland, so symbolically that would be like the ultimate desecration of everything American." The razor-sharp Butler then spent the next two hours applying his insightful analysis of global terrorism and its effects to hypothetical attacks on water treatment facilities, hospitals, and the Academy Awards.
San Francisco Bans Happy Meal #~# The city of San Francisco banned the McDonald's Happy Meal because it was not living up to the city's basic nutritional standards. What do you think?
Report: Global Warming Issue From 2 Or 3 Years Ago May Still Be Problem #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released this week by the Center for Global Development, climate change, the popular mid-2000s issue that raised awareness of the fact that the earth's continuous rise in temperature will have catastrophic ecological effects, has apparently not been resolved, and may still be a problem.
Rules Of Engagement #~# CBS
If I Had One Piece Of Advice For Today's Youth, It Would Be To Throw A Baseball Really, Really Well #~# As the young people of today head out on their own, they face many unique challenges. In this economy, nobody is guaranteed a good job or a competitive salary, and the struggle to find steady, rewarding work is harder than it's ever been. That's why, as a man in his early 30s who has enjoyed a very successful career, I have one piece of advice for America's youth, and that is to throw a baseball really, really well.
Denver Nuggets Announce Plans To Move To New York For Carmelo Anthony #~# DENVER—Nuggets president Josh Kroenke announced Thursday that although the franchise has been in Denver since 1967, the organization would be willing to move to New York City for star forward Carmelo Anthony if that's what it takes to keep him on the team. "It's important for him to know that we're committed to this relationship," Kroenke said at a press conference, adding that the team would try to find a small, cheap arena in Queens and see how things went from there. "Other than Carmelo and his basketball, the truth of the matter is we didn't have much keeping us in Denver. So maybe this will be a good change. Like we said when we first signed him in 2003: together forever." At press time, Kroenke assured Anthony that, were the move to happen, the Nuggets would be fine with "doing their own thing" and not spending every minute together.
Supreme Court Understudy Fills In For Scalia #~# WASHINGTON—After waiting in the wings of the U.S. Supreme Court for three long years, understudy Albert Dorchester, 28, finally got a chance to fill in for Justice Antonin Scalia Tuesday when a sudden illness kept the veteran jurist from his usual duties. "This could be my big break," said Dorchester, who since 2007 has studied every nuance of Scalia's diction and mannerisms, as well as his trademark textualist jurisprudence. "I just wanted to get out there, let my talents shine, and show that I, too, can be a constitutional originalist and claim strict adherence to the intent of those who framed our nation's founding document, thereby advancing a conservative agenda. Pretty sure I nailed it, too." Dorchester added that he hoped the rumors that there was a president in the audience were true.
Alcohol Worse Than Heroin #~# The British medical journal The Lancet placed alcohol at the top of its list of socially harmful drugs, above even crack and heroin. What do you think?
Terrified Matt Moore Audibles After Allegedly Seeing Monster In Defense #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Early in the third quarter of last Sunday's game against the Saints, Carolina Panthers quarterback Matt Moore saw something terrifying and inhuman in the defense and called an audible, the visibly shaken quarterback later confirmed. "I didn't like what I saw out there, because, I swear to God, this thing had huge claws and fangs," said Moore, who frantically ran up and down the line of scrimmage pointing and screaming, warning his teammates about the ghoulish beast, and yelling "blue 32 falcon." "If I didn't change the play, then that thing—whatever the hell it was—would have killed [running back] Jonathan [Stewart], because it was right in perfect position to rip him to shreds." Moore, who changed the play from a toss right to a quick slant, was hit on the blind side and sacked for an eight-yard loss by a yeti.
Area Woman Already Planning Party For 'Mad Men' Series Finale #~# SAN DIEGO—Despite the fact that the hit AMC television series Mad Men has no confirmed end date, local woman Andrea Ross, 34, announced Tuesday that she has already begun planning a Mad Men–themed party to coincide with the show's final episode. "I'm so excited, I already found a place online that has these great highball glasses," said Ross, adding that she has yet to find the "perfect" cheese ball recipe for the party, which could take place next year or five years from now. "And I just laid out the retro ashtrays and the Lucky Strike cigarettes, so we should be all set with that." Ross later told reporters that she plans to style her hair in the fashion of Betty Draper, but if the character is killed off, keeps acting like a total bitch, or is eventually replaced by another actress because of a contract dispute, she will be perfectly happy "doing Peggy hair."
The Defenders #~# CBS
Cameron Says Save 3-D For The Classics #~# Speaking to a group of industry insiders, James Cameron said that postproduction 3-D should only be applied to classic films like Jaws or Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. What do you think?
Nation Waist-Deep In Soybeans After $30 Trillion Farm Subsidy Bill Accidentally Passed #~# WASHINGTON—Days after the accidental passage of a bill allocating $30 trillion in federal subsidies to soybean producers, a massive tide of the protein-rich legumes has flooded the nation, crippling transportation networks, commerce, and public utilities, and profoundly disrupting American life.
Lil' Criminal Minds #~# CBS
NBA Announces Plans To Play Game In London In Swimming Pool #~# NEW YORK—As part of a continuing effort to expand the NBA into international markets, Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday that the New Jersey Nets and Toronto Raptors would play the league’s first regular season game in London in a swimming pool. "There is no question that it's best for the NBA brand and its players to show their talent in Europe by playing meaningful games in Olympic-sized swimming pools," Stern said of the contests scheduled for Mar. 4 and 5, 2011, adding that they would be played in the pool's deep end, which measures 15 feet from the floor to the water's surface. "Basketball is a global game, and it's important for people to see that the NBA is focused on teamwork, talent, and splashing around, whether they're thrilling to the sight of power forward Andrea Bargnani breaststroking hard to the hoop, or marveling as rookie Derrick Favors learns how to flip-turn for the very first time." Stern added that he would more than likely leave his shirt and tie on when he enters the pool to welcome those in attendance.
Guy Excited About Party Studying Up On History Of Parties #~# BOISE, ID—To fully prepare for the upcoming party at his buddy Tim's place Saturday, 24-year-old Jeremy Reed confirmed that he has spent the past week conducting comprehensive research on the history of parties.
American Public Gets Exactly What It Deserves For 112th Straight Election #~# WASHINGTON—Dismayed by the fact that over the past 24 months they have not experienced the immediate short-term personal gain they had hoped for, Americans went to the polls Tuesday and, for the 112th consecutive time, elected the candidates they deserve. "It's my duty," Reading, PA resident Bethany Albertson said as she cast her ballot and joined the staggering majority of citizens who, like every single previous generation of voters, will reap exactly what they have sown. "I haven't seen much difference in my paycheck, and we need a voice for change in our government." Exit polls indicated most voters will be content with what they've got coming to them as long as they see sharp reductions in taxes, health care costs, home foreclosures, economic regulation, unemployment, and the national debt by the time the 112th Congress is halfway through its first legislative session.
White iPhone Delayed #~# Citing manufacturing difficulties, Apple announced that its long-awaited all-white iPhone would not be available until the spring. What do you think?
Nation Taking No Joy In Cowboys' Pathetic Collapse #~# 'Actually, Never Mind, It's Really Fun,' Reports Populace
Group Of Kids With Diabetes All Die One Day After Visit From Jay Cutler #~# CHICAGO—Less than 24 hours after a visit from Bears quarterback and Type 1 diabetes sufferer Jay Cutler, a group of 32 schoolchildren who shared his disease died Tuesday. "Their spirits were really high just before Mr. Cutler arrived, but literally the second he entered the room the kids just sort of closed off, and once he started talking about how poorly he was treated in Denver, they became sullen and quiet," said Erin Matthews, who until Tuesday ran a diabetes support group for children ages 8 to 14 at the downtown YMCA. "After I recovered from my shock, I was surprised that all the children died, seeing as diabetes isn't terminal and can be controlled with medication. However, considering how sickened they were by Mr. Cutler, well, it sort of makes sense. That the kids were able to live through the entire talk is a testament to their bravery." Since his professional football career began in 2006, Cutler has killed more than 3,000 disabled or sick children by taking time to speak to them.
Great Moments In Randy Moss' Career #~# Randy Moss became a Titan this week following yet another unusual incident in a career that's been full of them. For example:
Boarders #~# A&E;
Jim Davis, Guy Who Does 'Heathcliff' Get Together For Annual Lunch To Discuss Doing Cat Cartoons #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Jim Davis, creator of Garfield, the popular comic strip featuring a thoughtful but feckless cat, met with the guy who does Heathcliff Thursday for their annual luncheon to discuss the cat-cartooning process. "It was really good to see the guy who does Heathcliff. He looks the same as he did last year," Davis said. "He's one of the only people I can really talk to about doing cat cartoons." The guy who does Heathcliff was not asked to comment.
I Just Want To Begin This Audition By Saying That I'm Still Not Entirely Sure What Acting Is #~# Hi, there, thanks for bringing me in today. I really appreciate the chance to audition for you all, and I hope you like what you see. Also, real quick before we get going, I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm still not totally clear on what acting is.
Thousands Gather To Watch Losing Incumbents Marched Out Of Washington #~# WASHINGTON—Waving signs, brandishing sticks, and hurling rotten fruit, thousands of citizens lined the streets of Washington to taunt and abuse defeated members of Congress as they were forcibly marched from the nation's capital at sundown Wednesday. "There's one now! Get him!" said Albert Howatt, who had driven nearly 24 hours from Wichita to lob a chunk of pure Kansas granite at the disgraced politicians. "Go on out of here and don't come back!" The crowd then descended upon 63-year-old legal clerk Paulette Thomas, kicking, spitting on, and eventually hospitalizing the woman they had mistaken for outgoing House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
Chicago Mercantile Exchange Selling Rain Futures #~# As of Nov. 1, investors can place money on the chances that it will rain. What do you think?
African-American Community Calls For New Black Nerd Archetype #~# Hollywood Blasted For Failure To Portray Modern Dorks Of Color
Progressive Parents Refuse To Tell Child Its Sex #~# BERKELEY, CA—Citing a refusal to impose limiting social constructs on their offspring, parents Lucas Cady and Kat Loesel reported Monday they will not tell their 4-year-old, Quynn, whether the child is biologically male or female. "Who are Kat and I to say what sexual organs our kid possesses?" asked Loesel, who has dressed Quynn in dull gray smocks since birth and only allows the child to play with toy figures that have been neutered of any conventionally feminine or masculine characteristics. "We think it's important our child's frequent questions about girls and boys go unanswered so that Quynn can discover its true sex for itself." The couple also said that parents should be supportive of children who decide they do not have human genitalia at all.
Company Paying For Bad Drugs #~# Last week, British drug manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline agreed to pay $750 million to settle civil and criminal complaints alleging that for years the company knowingly sold bad, contaminated, and ineffective drugs. Here are some issues with the products it sold:
Tim Duncan Spends Free Time Trying To Get Wrongfully Incarcerated Man Off Death Row #~# MANSFIELD, OH—Spurs center Tim Duncan spent all his free time this week studying law books and building a case in an attempt to exonerate a death row inmate wrongfully incarcerated at Ohio's Mansfield Correctional Institution. "For more than 10 years, Randolph Morgan has been imprisoned for a crime he did not commit, mainly because of the testimony of an unreliable witness, one Cheryl McInerney," said Duncan, who has devoted the past three offseasons to earning a law degree at San Antonio State and in August passed the bar exam in both Texas and Ohio. "I have met with medical examiners and several forensic pathologists, and they concur that the available DNA evidence is more than sufficient to prove the innocence of my client." Duncan went on to score 14 points against the Los Angeles Clippers Monday night before flying to Ohio to persuade the governor to issue a stay of execution for Morgan.
Nonvoter Knew It Would Turn Out This Way #~# TAMPA BAY, FL—Mike Geyer, 38, a self-proclaimed nonvoter, told friends and colleagues Wednesday that his decision not to cast a ballot like an active participant in a free democratic society was justified by the predictable outcome of the 2010 midterm elections. "I told you," said Geyer, who didn't vote in 2008 because the country "would never elect a black president" and who has opted to mute his own voice in the electoral process rather than risk having his vote canceled out by someone with an opposing view. "It's not like what's-his-face had a chance, anyway." Geyer added that he might vote in 2012 if the new online voting application for masturbators improves its interface.
Mariah Carey Pregnant #~# Pop singer Mariah Carey announced that she and her husband Nick Cannon are expecting a baby next spring. What do you think?
Last Remaining Politician Must Rebuild Entire Government Following Bloodiest Midterm Election In American History #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of what is being called the deadliest midterm election in the nation's history, Washington's sole surviving politician, Rep. Peter DeFazio of Oregon's 4th Congressional District, emerged from the rubble of the Capitol building Wednesday to announce his intention to rebuild the fallen U.S. government.
We Do This, We Do That #~# DIY
This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Guns Around The House #~# Okay, that is it. Timothy, Rebecca, come here this instant! I've simply had it with you two. I thought I heard a .357 Magnum round discharge, and sure enough, what do I find when I open the end-table drawer but your father's still-smoking Desert Eagle. Just look at it! The nickel plating is scratched up, and what's this on the trigger—peanut butter? Dear Lord, I suppose you thought you could just put it back and no one would ever notice?
Honest Chris Paul Says New Orleans Hornets Fans The 16th Best In World #~# NEW ORLEANS—Saying that he was just being honest, New Orleans guard Chris Paul told reporters Monday that Hornets fans are the 16th best fans on the planet. "Look at it this way: 16th is pretty darn good if we're talking about the whole world," said Paul, adding that the planet's greatest fans are clearly those of Manchester United in the British Premier League. "I could go and say something silly like Hornets fans are the best, but let's be real here. Teams like the Packers, Cubs, Michigan Wolverines, and Team Canada Hockey all have amazing fans, the 5th, 8th, 10th, and 6th best, respectively. I will say that Hornets fans are the 3rd best in the NBA's Southwest Division, which is still pretty decent." Paul added that, in the interest of full disclosure, he had to admit the Hornets would probably not bring home an NBA Championship within the next 10 years, although he himself would do so as part of the New York Knicks.
Americans Bravely Go To Polls Despite Threat Of Electing Congress #~# WASHINGTON—Despite the very real threat of electing the 112th Congress, millions of courageous Americans lined up at their polling places today and put their right to vote above the awful possibility of sending a politician to represent them in Washington. “I was afraid the moment I showed up to vote, and now that I’ve cast my ballot, I’m even more terrified,” said Kentucky resident Mary Buchanan, who ran to her car and drove home immediately after exercising her constitutional right. “But I knew I had to face my fear and participate in our democracy, even if my actions could lead to electing another U.S. senator.” The day was not without tragedy, however, as the choice between voting for incumbent Harry Reid and challenger Sharron Angle left 20 Americans dead and injured 13 at a Carson City, NV polling place.
Brazil Elects Its First Female President #~# Winning by more than 10 percentage points, Dilma Rousseff was elected the first female president of Brazil. What do you think?
New Online Voting System Allows Millions Of Masturbators To Take Part In Democracy #~# WASHINGTON—A joint venture between the Federal Election Commission and Votenet Solutions has made it possible for millions of masturbators who would otherwise stay home and jerk off on Nov. 2 to cast their ballots in the 2010 midterm election. "There is a huge bloc of voters out there—about 45 percent of U.S. citizens—who have been denied a role in the electoral process simply because they would prefer to remain in the comfort of their bedrooms and watch videos of Latina twins taking it in the ass," FEC commissioner Steven T. Walther told reporters Monday. "Now, all Americans can ejaculate into a tissue, or sock, or what-ever they happen to have nearby with one hand, while exercising their God-given right to vote for the candidate of their choice with the other." Polls indicate that because of the new service, Tea Party candidate Rand Paul is likely to win the U.S. Senate race in Kentucky by a landslide.
Mike & Molly #~# CBS
Desperate NFL Needs Big Win To Turn Season Around #~# NEW YORK—After eight weeks of play with no teams emerging as clear front-runners, the National Football League desperately needs at least one spectacular win to salvage its lackluster season, sources confirmed Monday. "Dammit, guys, let's really put our heads down and work for it this weekend, because we need a big game out of you," Commissioner Roger Goodell said in an address to all 32 NFL teams, adding that one good pass and one well-executed run could lead to a touchdown that could break the season wide open. "If we don't get everyone on the same page, we might as well give up any hopes for the playoffs this year. And the Super Bowl? At this point we don't deserve a Super Bowl. Let's throw a decent block first." Goodell also made a point of saying it would not be out of the question to see as many as 32 major coaching changes if the season did not improve significantly in the near future.
Concert Spent Constantly Verifying Presence Of Coat-Check Ticket In Pocket #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Eric Zamore, 28, reportedly spent the majority of a concert Friday night frantically confirming that his coat-check ticket was still in his pants pocket. "I got really freaked out for a second because I thought I'd left [the ticket] at the bar, but it turned out I'd just moved it to a different pocket," said Zamore, recalling how he had transferred the numbered paper stub for safekeeping while getting out some money to pay for a drink. "After that, I kept my hands in my jeans pockets so I could keep better tabs on it. I tried to applaud between songs, but got tired of doing all that double-checking afterward." Zamore was later seen claiming his coat early and listening to the show's 25-minute encore with his down parka tied around his waist.
Barnes & Noble Releases Color Nook #~# Bookseller Barnes & Noble announced the release of a full-color, touch-screen version of its Nook e-reader last week. What do you think?
Travelers Against Body Scanners #~# The TSA has met with a great deal of resistance over the invasiveness of its new body-scanning technology in airports. What do you think?
Corpse Of Astronomer Tycho Brahe Exhumed #~# Researchers are exhuming the remains of Tycho Brahe to determine the cause of the Danish astronomer's death in 1601. What do you think?
Shepard's Pie: Taken Abackdraft #~# I don't normally like to break from our never-ending torrent of sports here on the Pie, but I had to complain about a piece of absolute trash I saw on the television this week.
Paper Proposes One-Way Trips To Mars #~# An article in the Journal Of Cosmology suggests that in order to make a  manned flight to Mars an affordable reality in the near future, plans should not include a return trip. What do you think?
The Future Of High Speed Rail #~# Many states are returning the federal money allocated for high-speed rail projects. What do you think?
The High Reis: Interview With Mark Shepard #~# Today I was bored so I decided to make a blog post by interviewing my SportsDome co-anchor Mark Shepard. I recorded it all on my voice recorder, but I dropped it down the sewer accidentally so I reconstructed the interview from memory. I tried to do a good interview, so here it is.
Movie Poster: Kim Jong Il As The Next Batman #~# Watch more about Kim Jong Il's new role at the Onion News Network now.  Right-click image to save to desktop. 
Tech Advances Of 2010 #~# What were your favorite tech advances of 2010?
The High Reis: Top Sports Stories Of The Year #~# The year is winding down once again, like it does every year. I decided to rank the top sports stories of the year, because there were many fine sports stories this year. Here they are.
Census Finds Enough Homeless People Living In Public Library To Warrant Congressional District #~# BOSTON—According to data gathered during the 2010 census, the Honan-Allston branch of the Boston Public Library has a homeless population large enough to justify becoming Massachusetts' 11th congressional district, the U.S. Census Bureau announced Tuesday. "In addition to the destitute citizens who have long sought shelter here, the ongoing recession has forced hundreds of newly homeless Americans to seek refuge among the library's shelves," said bureau spokesman Mark Higgs, adding that a shantytown constructed by a Los Angeles overpass had recently been named its own school district. "The nonfiction section alone is in desperate need of a representative voice in the U.S. Congress." Though the new district has not yet been certified by the state, several leading candidates have already emerged on a more-toilet-paper-in-the-ladies'-room platform.
Shepard's Pie: Christmas Eve Carp #~# Joyeux Noel everyone! Almost Christmastime and as you know, got a lot of traditions going on at once: the wife and I are exchanging new pairs of pajamas on Christmas Eve so we can wake up Christmas morn decked out in fresh flannels; gonna dress as Sinterklaas, the Belgian version of Santa and spit about an hour of Christmas history at my nieces and nephews; and of course, see a movie alone to commemorate some of my college Christmases.
Barack Obama - Either Doing His Best In One of The Most Difficult Times In American History, Or Hitler #~# U.S. President
Snooki - Just Try Not To Think About Who Should Really Be In This Spot #~# Reality TV Star
Julian Assange: Nobody Likes A Tattletale #~# Whistleblower
Report: 100 Percent Of College Football Players Receiving Benefits Of Being College Football Players #~# INDIANAPOLIS—An exhaustive three-year internal investigation has confirmed that a full 100 percent of college football players receive the advantages that come with being a college football player, the NCAA reported Friday. "We were frankly stunned at the benefits athletes received when it came to classwork, housing, transportation, tuition, even food. There appears to be no part of the college experience in which one doesn't receive special treatment in exchange for playing football," the report read in part. "In truth, it's inaccurate to use the term 'student athlete' in describing these young men, as one of the benefits of being a college football player is never having to cram for tests, attend a study group, or take out a student loan. It's shocking that these practices are tolerated at our nation's institutions of higher learning." The report ultimately concluded that while a litany of unfair benefits are rampant in NCAA football, this year's Auburn-Oregon championship matchup does look like a pretty amazing game that surely can't be missed.
Mark Zuckerberg - Gotta Hand It To The Little Fucker #~# Founder of Facebook
Mel Gibson - His Performance In 'Payback' Still Not Getting Enough Credit #~# Actor
Jan Brewer - Not Afraid To Do What The Federal Government Won't And Shouldn't #~# Arizona Governor
Tony Hayward - The Brief, Shining Return Of The Classic British Gentleman #~# Businessman
Center Worried He Did Something To Make Quarterback Call So Many Shotgun Formations #~# EUGENE, OR—Oregon Ducks center Jordan Holmes expressed concern Saturday that he may have said or done something to make sophomore quarterback Darron Thomas call so many shotgun formations in the Ducks' 37-20 win over Oregon State. "Darron and I fought a little at practice earlier in the week, but I could have sworn everything was fine," said Holmes, adding that the only other thing it could be was his bumping into Thomas before the team's pregame meal, but Holmes had said he was sorry and Thomas reportedly seemed to acknowledge it was an accident. "Should I apologize? I don't think I did anything, though… I should probably apologize." Thomas later told reporters that, yes, he did call so many shotgun formations because he was mad at his center, and the reason Holmes didn't know why was half the problem.
Manmohan Singh - The First Sikh Prime Minister Of...Okay, Here's What A Sikh Is #~# Leader of India
Liu Xiaobo - Going To Be Pretty Tough For The Chinese Government To Kill Now #~# Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Other Notable Sports Figures Of 2010 #~# Not all of them garnered the attention or the acclaim of LeBron and Landon, but it wouldn't be fair to talk about the year in sports without mentioning these athletes:
Silvio Berlusconi - I Think The Leader Of The World's 10th-Largest Economy Put Something In My Drink #~# Italian Politician
Kathryn Bigelow - First Woman To Win Oscar For Best Directress #~# Filmmaker
NBA Receives Shipment Of Fresh Ankles #~# NEW YORK—Only a few weeks away from running out of its last batch, the NBA finally received on Monday the 40-pound crate of ankles it had been waiting for. "Players' ankles start to get sore right around this time every year," said Commissioner David Stern, who unwrapped a brand-new ankle and tested it out by bending it back and forth. "Ah, looks like this one is going to Kobe Bryant. He's been calling me every day asking if his new ankle has come in." Houston Rockets center Yao Ming was reportedly among the first to request some new ankles, but once again was turned away after the league explained that they don't make them in his size and color.
The iPad - Wait Till You See What We're Doing With This One #~# Consumer Phenomenon
Landon Donovan - A Disgrace To The Soccer-Loving Country Of America #~# Professional Soccer Player
Terry Jones - Could Have At Least Manned Up And Burned One Koran #~# Pastor
Elena Kagan - Trust Us, She Needed This Gig Real Bad #~# Supreme Court Justice
René Préval - Secretly Leading Haiti Into A Golden Age #~# Haitian President
Josh Smith Claims He Once Saw Hawk Carry Away Basketball In Talons #~# ATLANTA—Hawks forward Josh Smith regaled his teammates Wednesday with a story about how he once watched a red-tailed hawk swoop down, grab a loose basketball in its razor sharp talons, and fly away. "It was crazy, because the ball was rolling across the court really fast, and then I heard this loud screeching sound and all of a sudden this hawk dives down and snatches it up before it goes out of bounds," said Smith, adding that hawks build nests in the rafters of every NBA arena. "And then it flew off to the upper deck, where it landed by some empty seats and started tearing apart the basketball with its beak." Smith told his teammates that if they look closely at the court after each NBA game, they should be able to see hawk droppings containing undigested pieces of basketball.
About SportsDome #~# Broadcast live continuously throughout the OSN family of networks, SportsDome has been the Onion Sports Network's signature program since the network's launch. The show has since become the most-watched news, sports or current affairs programming in the United States, and remains OSN's flagship program for sports news, analysis, scores, highlights, rumor-mongering and petty personal attacks. The show can be seen in every home in America, every country on the globe and by every branch of the U.S. Armed Services, except for the Navy, with whom OSN remains in a protracted contract dispute over broadcasting fees. Many of the Dome's former anchors have gone on to find success in other fields, including actors John Hurt and Sarah Jessica Parker, poet Robert Pinsky and Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer.
About Onion Sports Network #~# The Onion Sports Network is the undisputed universal leader in sports coverage.  OSN has studios and affiliates in every country that has sports, and our unparalleled coverage has made us nearly indistinguishable with the sports we cover.  With its total access and pulse-pounding coverage, the Onion Sports Network has made being a sports fan without it nearly impossible, filling in sports' dull, incomprehensible cracks with a solid wall of adrenaline.  OSN has been proven powerful enough to build obscure sports into powerhouses (both the NBA and NFL were secondary leagues before winning OSN airtime), and single-handedly fold once-thriving sports ("tossball" was the most-watched sport in America before OSN took National Tossball Federation games off the air after a contract dispute.)  Untold millions around the world turn to OSN first, to be reminded that while governments change, jobs are lost and families fall apart, sports remain the constant source of fulfillment and happiness, and those sports can only be enjoyed on the Onion Sports Network.
Grýla - Responsible For The Year's Biggest Volcanic Eruption #~# Icelandic Ogress
Mike Shanahan Trails Off During Speech About Turning Franchise Around #~# WASHINGTON—Head coach Mike Shanahan attempted but failed to address his players regarding the Redskins' future Monday, repeatedly trailing off during what he evidently had planned as an encouraging talk about the future of the franchise. "As shaky as we've looked this season, we've got a lot to, you know… We just have to, eh, ahem," said Shanahan, who started and stopped his speech several times and at one point actually stood up as if to leave before seeming to notice his players arranged around him listening. "What I'm trying to say is, we're just a few games from turning. From turning this thing over, I mean. No, around. Turning it back? Well, anyway, I'm gonna go." Shanahan then told his players that his door was always open before retiring to his office and shutting the door.
Abby Sunderland - Concocted History's Most Extreme Plan To Get Out Of A Summer Job #~# Teenage Adventurer
LeBron James - Already An NBA Champion Of Friendship #~# Professional Basketball Player
Glenn Beck - The Lone Voice Of Reason In An Age Of Hysteria #~# Personality
A Very Rockettes Hanukkah #~# NBC
Ken Whisenhunt Making Ends Meet By Taking Second Head Coach Job #~# PHOENIX—With the economy in crisis and an NFL lockout looming, Arizona Cardinals head coach Ken Whisenhunt told reporters Monday that he had no choice but to take a position as head coach of the St. Louis Rams in order to "keep [his] head above water." "I got a wife and two kids, and college tuition certainly isn't getting any cheaper," said Whisenhunt, who added that the stress of the 1,476-mile commute—as well as poor play from Cardinals quarterback Derek Anderson and the ongoing maturation process of Sam Bradford—was really starting to get to him. "At least last week both teams played each other, so I only had the one game to attend. Even then I had to come up with two different halftime speeches, and afterwards I was so tired I accidentally got on the team plane to St. Louis instead of going back to my house. But hey, at least we got the win." NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly aware of Whisenhunt's situation, but unable to take disciplinary action because he's too busy moonlighting as head of the NHL.
Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report #~# PONCHA SPRINGS, CO—Still reeling from the sudden loss of their 17-year-old son last week, parents Ben and Martha Harwich spoke Tuesday about the largely unremarkable young man they said would have faced a disappointing and frustrating future had his life not been cut short by a car accident.
'Yogi Bear' Movie Introduces Boring Cartoon Character To New Generation #~# BURBANK, CA—Executives at Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc. announced today that the upcoming 3-D live-action/CGI film Yogi Bear will introduce a whole new generation to a dull, culturally irrelevant cartoon character. "Finally, today's children will have the chance to be completely uninspired by the same inane and repetitive gags that failed to capture their parents' imagination," Warner Bros. spokesperson Ian Daley said of the cartoon bear, whose trademark defining feature is that he wears a hat. "So kids of all ages: Get ready to be bored to tears by the antics of a bear and his little bear sidekick who sometimes get hungry!" Daley added that the film will also introduce a new generation to a stupid, unfunny way to say "picnic basket."
Defenders Of Wikileaks Cripple Credit Cards #~# After MasterCard and Visa stopped letting customers use their services to send financial support to Wikileaks, hackers targeted the credit cards’ websites, making them difficult to access for most of Wednesday. What do you think?
New Horse-Racing Initiative Aimed At Training Thoroughbreds From Inner City #~# COMPTON, CA—In an effort to develop a more diverse base of athletic talent, raise the sport's profile in nontraditional areas, and enrich the lives of troubled youth, thoroughbred-racing organizations are funding a new program to train inner-city and delinquent horses.
Yankees Re-Sign Popular Mascot Derek Jeter #~# NEW YORK—Following weeks of tense negotiations, the New York Yankees finally agreed Wednesday to a $51 million, three-year deal to bring back the team's much-loved mascot Derek Jeter. "This decision was for the fans, because so many of them come to games just to look at Derek or take pictures with him," Yankees GM Brian Cashman told reporters, adding that the mascot's presence alone is enough to boost team morale. "With his goofy smile and antics on the field, he makes Yankee Stadium a family experience. Kids just love the hilarious way he swings and misses at pitches and struggles to cover ground at shortstop." Cashman hinted that Derek Jeter would have an updated appearance this season, with an improved, slightly balder look.
Features Of The New espnW.com #~# Women make up a quarter of the ESPN audience, and now the network has just soft-launched a new website for female sports fans. Here are some of the planned features:
My Son The Radiator #~# FOX
This Squeaky Wheel And I Are Pulling An All-Nighter #~# Okay, okay, no more screwing around. Let's get serious here. I've been putting off running on this squeaky, plastic wheel all day long, and now it's—Christ, is that clock right? Is it 10:30 already? Man oh man, it is way later than I thought. Looks like I got myself a long, long night of spinning a noisy wheel around in a circle here.
Kelsey Grammer Engaged #~# Though a divorce from his current wife has not been finalized, Kelsey Grammer, 55, best known for his portrayal of Dr. Frasier Crane on Cheers and Frasier, is engaged to 29-year-old flight attendant Kayte Walsh. What do you think?
Fey Rights Group Demands Distinction From Homosexuals #~# WASHINGTON—A coalition of fey rights activists sashayed on the nation's capital Tuesday, demanding that a clear distinction be made between themselves and homosexual men. "The mincing effete are not always gay, and we believe that differentiating ourselves from the homosexual community is exceedingly important to our identity and way of life," event organizer Eugene Tunney said after pausing to suggestively apply a fragrant, lightly tinted lip balm. "Keeping everyone eternally guessing with our limp-wristed mannerisms, lavender dinner jackets, and incongruous interests in sports and women is the inalienable right of the fey man." The demonstration was reportedly supported by bear rights groups composed of hundreds of burly, hypermasculine homosexuals who were marching to ensure that a distinction be made between themselves and fey men.
Busy Man Has So Many Things He Needs To Get Oh, Look, 'Tin Cup' Is On #~# DAYTON, OH—Local man Tom Pletcher, 38, reportedly blocked off his entire Sunday to run a number of errands he has been meaning to get around to, including having his brakes checked, renewing his passport, and oh, look, Pletcher told reporters, the 1996 romantic sports comedy Tin Cup is on.
Wikileaks To Take On Bank Of America #~# Amidst the news surrounding the sensitive diplomatic information released last week, Wikileaks head Julian Assange hinted that he would be releasing documents from a major financial institution. The Onion has been granted special access to these documents, and is proud to present some of the more damning revelations about Bank of America:
Peyton Manning Finds Weird Game Film Where Two Detectives Try To Solve A Murder #~# INDIANAPOLIS—While sorting through his stacks of unwatched videotapes Friday, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning reportedly stumbled across a strange sort of game film in which two detectives, who are apparently not involved in the playing or discussion of football, attempt to solve a murder. "I have no idea why someone would make a tape of this, since it isn't about football in any way whatsoever," said Manning, adding that there wasn't a single defensive formation to analyze in the 120-minute-long tape. "I'm told that people do this with films, and that you can even see this sort of thing on TV sometimes, but I really don't understand how two guys trying to catch the person who killed the heiress is supposed to help someone read tendencies in the Titans' secondary." Manning admitted he had not been this confused by a game film since his wife, Ashley, made him break down tapes of a football player and a woman in a cheerleader outfit engaging in an extended and vigorous, though evidently pointless, tackling drill.
Report: There Probably Not The Best Place To Stand #~# NEW YORK—According to sources who just want to give a quick heads up, right there really isn't the best place to stand. Due to that door opening inward and the likelihood of people coming in and out of there all night, finding somewhere else to stand would reportedly be a good idea. Additionally, that area is already kind of tight without someone standing right there, so finding another place would just make things easier for everyone. As of press time, look buddy, just fucking move.
Unabomber Property Down In Price #~# A 1.4-acre plot of land in Montana where Theodore "The Unabomber" Kaczynski lived is up for sale, its price recently lowered to $69,500. What do you think?
Army Calls For Increased Body Armor For Troops In Syria #~# Regrets Having To Tell Nation About Syrian War This Way
Wednesday Afternoon Football #~# NBC
Wikileaks' Embarrassing Revelations #~# Last week, the whistle-blower website Wikileaks released more than 250,000 pages of sensitive diplomatic notes, cables, and information from the United States government. Here is some of the information included in the mountain of documents:
Will Semi-Success Spoil Jean Teasdale? #~# 2010 was a banner year at good ol’ Casa Teasdale. In March, the tire center gave Hubby Rick a $2-an-hour raise. This summer, our landlord replaced the grout in our bathroom. And in October, my first book came out! Just goes to show that big things tend to happen all at once.
Pat Riley Glares At 1988 Bottle Of Hair Gel As He Mulls Return To Coaching #~# MIAMI—While toweling off in front of his vanity mirror Monday, Miami Heat team president Pat Riley stared longingly at a bottle of L'Oréal Studio Line hair gel from 1988, pondering the idea of firing Erik Spoelstra and returning to his position as head coach. "What do you say, old friend?" Riley said to the bottle as he squeezed a dollop of gel into his hand. "Have you got another 70 games in you?" As of press time, Riley was reportedly asking his comb if it still feels like a champion.
New Carl's Jr. Bedtime Burger Designed To Be Eaten While Asleep #~# CARPINTERIA, CA—Executives at fast food chain Carl's Jr. announced today the release of the new Bedtime Burger, a sandwich designed specifically to be consumed while fast asleep. "Just place the delicious combination of ground beef, lettuce, tomato, pepper-jack cheese, and our patented Slumber-Q sauce directly on your lower lip before turning in for the night and instinct will take over by the time you reach dreamland," Carl's Jr. spokesperson Rick Foster told reporters. "You'll love waking up with that one-of-a-kind, just-ate-a-burger feeling you can't get from our competitors. So sweet dreams—not that that will be difficult with our new 32-ounce P.M. Shakes!" Fast food giant Burger King is reportedly planning to respond to Carl's Jr.'s new line of sleep products by releasing a spicy chicken sandwich for the deceased.
Couple Puts Abortion Option To Online Vote #~# After holding a vote on their website to determine whether or not they would obtain an abortion, Pete and Alisha Arnold of Apple Valley, MN will be carrying their zygote to term. What do you think?
Cake Dress #~# TLC
Report: TCU Can Only Enter Big East If They Bring Girls #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Texas Christian University has been invited to join the Big East athletic conference, an opportunity that would grant them higher visibility and prestige, as long as they "bring some of those hot Texas girls along," Commissioner John Marinatto said Monday. "We are happy to welcome the Horned Frogs to the Big East, as they represent a fine sporting tradition, and also we could really use some new girls around here," Marinatto told the assembled reporters at a press conference. "Boston College had those cute little Catholic girls, but they left when the Eagles went to the ACC, and we could really use some nice Texas-cowgirl trim. Frankly, West Virginia doesn't give it up as much as you'd think, even though they'll do just about anything once you get them liquored up." TCU athletic director Chris Del Conte said he was happy to hook the Big East up, explaining that the conference's automatic BCS bowl bid was more than compensation for Syracuse girls being "totally flat."
Internet Jokester Strikes Again #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Sources at the popular technology blog Gizmodo reported today that the site had become the latest target of the infamous Internet jokester, a user known only as AnnaBananaDallas42, who left a scathing comment reading "Yawn…Boring" beneath an article reviewing accessories for the new iPod Shuffle. "Damn you, Internet jokester, and your razor-sharp barbs!" said Gizmodo staff writer David Rochelle, the latest recipient of the Internet jokester's notorious calling card that is both dreaded and revered by computer users worldwide: a winking, smiling emoticon. "Alas, I am powerless to combat the ruthless skewering of this modern-day Voltaire. She must be stopped!" In light of the most recent blow dealt by AnnaBananaDallas42, an emergency editorial meeting is reportedly being held at Entertainment Weekly's EW.com—one of the Internet jokester's favorite targets—to find some way of thwarting her rapier wit.
Snoop Dogg Writes Song For Prince William #~# Rapper Calvin "Snoop Dogg" Broadus has dedicated his new single "Wet" to the occasion of Prince William's bachelor party. What do you think?
Nation Struggles To Understand Why Area Pie Didn't Come Out Right #~# HASTINGS, NE—Citizens across the nation were shocked and dismayed Thursday when a pie, originally intended to be a delectable, mouthwatering treat, somehow emerged from the oven in less-than-ideal condition.
Epic Burnouts #~# SPEED
Chiefs Accidentally Win Again #~# SEATTLE—In yet another victorious slip-up that baffled players, coaches, and fans alike, the Chiefs accidentally defeated the Seahawks 42-24 Sunday, inadvertently outplaying their opponent by scoring more touchdowns. "We have no idea what even happened, because on most of the plays we didn't even mean to score," quarterback Matt Cassel said of his team's unintentional dominance of the game. "I tried to throw the ball away at least three times, but it kind of floated and ended up in Dwayne Bowe's hands. It must have startled him, too, because he started screaming and running with the ball towards the end zone as fast as he could." During the postgame press conference, players on the Chiefs' defensive line apologized to the Seahawks for frequently tripping and falling on top of their running backs.
Marriage Handled Amicably #~# DAVENPORT, IA—Despite the bitter emotional toll it has taken on them, Beth and David Harrigan expressed relief Tuesday that they have been able to handle their 11-year marriage so amicably.
Antimicrobials May Compromise Immune System #~# Researchers at the University of Michigan School of Public Health found that young people with high levels of triclosan, an antimicrobial agent commonly found in soaps, were at greater risk for allergies. What do you think?
Pentagon To Withhold Budget Figures Out Of Respect For American Families #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Officials at the Pentagon announced Monday that they would no longer make the budget of the Defense Department public, explaining that the information would be “extremely disrespectful” to American families at a time of economic turmoil. “Disclosing the cost of even one Patriot missile could seriously damage the morale of a nation just trying to keep food on the table,” Defense Secretary Robert Gates said of the new policy. “It would be a slap in the face to all the hardworking citizens who continue to struggle and sacrifice day after day.” Gates added that revealing the expense of maintaining America’s military presence in more than 150 nations worldwide might also break the spirits of returning veterans unable to obtain adequate health care.
Coaches Thought BCS Computer Would At Least Make A Noise When Boise State Lost #~# INDIANAPOLIS—A number of college football coaches expressed disappointment last Friday following Boise State's 34-31 loss to Nevada, saying they were disappointed to learn that the BCS computer doesn't make some sort of sound to signal the defeat of the nation's No. 4–ranked team. "Everyone was all excited that it was gonna beep or buzz or do some bells or something," said Baylor University head coach Art Briles, who then imitated a foghorn several times, adding "that would have been a good one." "There wasn't even anything on the screen. There should've been like a big red 'X,' or we should've at least seen Boise State's name fall to the bottom of the rankings with a bomb-drop sound effect. Something." Following an in-depth discussion, several coaches agreed that they would like someone to program "that sound effect from Minesweeper" to play when the bowl matchups are announced.
Baseball Players Hold Annual Meeting To Discuss Benefit Of Wearing Index Finger On Outside Of Mitt #~# NEW YORK—In what has become the foremost annual conference of baseball-glove-wearing theory, major-league players past and present once again gathered at the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center in Manhattan this week to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of wearing their index fingers on the outside of their baseball mitts.
Michael Vick's Redemption #~# Since returning to the league, Michael Vick has been heralded as a changed man. We take a look at how Vick has won people over during his second act.
N #~# PBS
Man Can Get By In His Own Language #~# TEMPE, AZ—American citizen Ray Ayers can get along pretty well in his native language of English when he has to, the 57-year-old said Friday night after friends commented on his ability to order a meal at a restaurant. "I'm not exactly fluent, but I know enough to get by," said Ayers, adding that he's learned to read facial expressions whenever he's in English-speaking regions, such as the part of Arizona where he lives. "And you can use hand gestures to get drinks, ask about the bathroom, say hello, goodbye, thank you, how much for this. People usually figure out what you mean." Ayers admitted that he rarely uses anything but the present tense and, except for road signs and some menu items, does not recognize a word of the written language.
Call Off The Hunt! The Kardashanian's Are Okay After All! #~# Item! One of the stars of the hit reality series Keeping Up With The Kardashanians just had a baby! That's right, Karen is a mom. This is a double relief to me. First of all, it's always a joyous occasion when someone has a baby. Second, since I never got around to watching the show, I didn't know why they were always in the news. I assumed it was because the Kardashanians were terrorists. Who could blame me? That name doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. It sounds a little weird. Sinister, even. But now that Kate is a mother, that clears the air, because we all know that mothers cannot be terrorists. I'm not sure who the father is, but unless he's Osama bin Laden, I think we can stop worrying and let them get back to their lives doing whatever it is that kept them off television in the first place. Congratulations, whoever!
Senate Passes Massive Food-Safety Bill #~# In an effort to prevent food-borne illnesses, the Senate has passed new legislation—the most comprehensive of its kind in 70 years—that would give the Food and Drug Administration more powers of inspection. What do you think?
Restaurant Slammed Out Of Nowhere #~# At Least 30 People Believed To Have Shown Up At Once
Julian Assange Fired From IT Job At Pentagon #~# ARLINGTON, VA—With officials describing his publication of sensitive U.S. State Department documents as "the last straw," Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was asked to resign from his position as the Pentagon's IT coordinator Monday. "We gave him his first warning after the whole Iraq and Afghanistan war diaries thing, and strike two was when he forwarded that video montage of Nicolas Cage yelling to the entire staff," Defense Department human resources director Curtis Shannon said. "But we just can't overlook this latest offense. Even if he's the only one who knows where the spare USB cables are." At press time, Assange had already been invited to interview for an IT position at the Central Intelligence Agency.
2010 Oscar Contenders #~# The Thanksgiving weekend marks the beginning of Hollywood’s release of its prestigious films for Oscar consideration. Here are some of the movies that are being positioned to win Academy recognition: 
NBA Ref Accidentally Calls Offsides #~# SALT LAKE CITY—With 4.3 seconds left on the clock and the Jazz about to inbound the ball, NBA referee Ed Malloy whistled play dead and accidentally called the visiting Bucks for offsides Monday. "Offsides, number 15, defense," Malloy said to the confused crowd after throwing a yellow flag he mistakenly put in his pocket before the game and fumbling for a nonexistent microphone transmitter. "Five-yard penalty. Remains first down." Despite acknowledging his mistake, Malloy proceeded to unwittingly place the basketball five yards down the court under Utah center Al Jefferson and unintentionally make a sweeping circular movement with his arm as if to reset a play clock.
TMZ Dayton Bureau Catches Secondhand Furniture-Store Owner Coming Out Of All-Night Truck Stop #~# DAYTON, OH—The Dayton bureau of the website TMZ.com has obtained photographs of used-furniture dealer Gerry Flanagan, the self-proclaimed Scratch-and-Dent King of Ohio, exiting the Copper Griddle truck stop well after 10 p.m. last night. "Looks like this former fatty—who claims his losses on reconditioned sofas are even bigger than the losses to his waistline—is trying to make up some lost ground," TMZ Dayton editor Rick Benton wrote in a blog post this morning. "If he keeps wallowing in the steak and egg special, this king's going to need a bigger throne!" Flanagan has already taken TMZ to court over photos of a "saucy—and somewhat 'cheeky'—swimsuit slip" he experienced while exiting his pickup truck at the beach last July.
Universe Admits To Wronging Area Man His Entire Life #~# 'Dave's Got A Right To Be Angry,' Says Cosmos
Enablers #~# A&E;
Saturday Night Live #~# NBC
Area Man Already Tired Of Prison #~# SHERIDAN, OR—After spending 73 hours in the Sheridan Federal Correctional Institution in northwestern Oregon, first-time inmate Martin Hayes told reporters today that he was "getting pretty tired of prison." 
Affirmative Action! #~# FOX
Genetic Experiment Goes Horribly Right #~# PASADENA, CA—A grotesque and unsettling genetic experiment in which human corneal tissue was grown on the backs of naked mole rats has gone horribly, horribly right, sickened Caltech scientists announced Monday. "Never in our worst nightmares could we have foreseen the appalling success of this advantageous abomination," head researcher Dr. Trevor Keller said of the phenomenal medical breakthrough, which could potentially treat those suffering from congenital blindness. "Oh the humanity! The benefit to humanity!" Keller said that mankind's only hope is for his team to continue their research.
Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish #~# AOMORI, JAPAN—At first glance, 17-year-old Misaki Nakajima seems like any other shy and submissive Japanese schoolgirl. She loves shopping, text messaging, and the color pink. But beneath her wholesome exterior lies a wicked secret: Misaki Nakajima is consumed by sexual fantasies involving sweaty, middle-aged American men.
Octuplets Doing Well #~# The second set of octuplets born in the United States is doing well, with all reportedly breathing on their own. What do you think? 
Father-Son Softball #~# ESPN2
Bouncer Moved To Tears By Tale Of Friends Already In Club #~# CHICAGO—Zenith Lounge bouncer Keith Murphy, 25, openly wept Saturday after hearing the heart-wrenching story of two young men waiting in line who had been separated from their friends already inside the bar. "Oh, you poor things—no group of buddies should get split up in the parking lot because one of them has to run back to the car for his wallet." said Murphy, taking a moment to compose himself. "And this all happened on your birthday? I didn't realize this was your birthday. Man, that just sucks." Murphy, who does not generally become emotionally involved in his work, began sobbing uncontrollably when he had to inform the two men that he could not possibly let them into the club without some ladies.
Football Players Suffering Brain Damage #~# Doctors have found a type of brain damage usually associated with boxers in six NFL players who died at age 50 or younger. What do you think? 
Greatest Individual Super Bowl Performances #~# 1967: Packers receiver Max McGee plays the entire Super Bowl, catching seven passes for 138 yards and two touchdowns despite being even drunker than the rest of the Packers
Kurt Warner Requests HBO Be Blocked At Cardinals' Hotel #~# TAMPA BAY, FL—Cardinal quarterback Kurt Warner asked the management of the Grand Hyatt Tampa Bay to block access to premium cable network HBO Monday, claiming he wanted to prevent his teammates from inadvertently watching inappropriate programs. "I know a lot of these guys have never been to the Super Bowl before, and I would hate for them to have partial nudity ruin their entire experience," said Warner, adding that he didn't want Cardinals to be exposed to polygamy on the series Big Love. "HBO glorifies curse words, nakedness, and adult situations. As a Christian, I cannot stand by and let my teammates be put in harm's way." According to hotel sources, Warner spent $6,000 ordering pay-per-view programming on the Christian family-friendly network Sky Angel, including the shows Rejoice, Venture In Faith, and repeated viewings of Nasty Nuns Crave Cock.
Steeler Defense Renamed 'Mid-Level White-Collar Curtain' To More Accurately Reflect Contemporary Pittsburgh #~# TAMPA BAY, FL—Just days before the Super Bowl, the Pittsburgh Steelers' public relations department announced that the team's vaunted "Steel Curtain" defense would be renamed to more accurately reflect their city's current vocational demographics. 
Super Bowl XLIII Spontaneously Breaks Out On Media Day #~# TAMPA BAY, FL—In what started as a midfield photo opportunity between opposing team captains and ended as a hard-fought 60-minute competition to become the NFL champion, Super Bowl XLIII was suddenly and unexpectedly played Tuesday during media day at Tampa Bay's Raymond Jones Stadium. 
Laid-Off Pittsburgh Mill Worker To Put Off Suicide Until After Super Bowl #~# PITTSBURGH—Recently laid-off steelworker and football fan Marcus Aniello announced that he would postpone his impending suicide attempt until after the Steelers take on the Arizona Cardinals in Super Bowl XLIII. "I was going to spare myself the shame of coming home to my family every day and telling them I still hadn't found a job, but I kinda wanna see what Big Ben [Roethlisberger] can do against that sorry excuse for a defense," Aniello said on a recent trip to the gun shop. "Normally I would have thrown myself in the blast furnace the day I got laid off, but the Steelers had clinched the AFC North the day before, and then I watched them beat the Ravens from the top of the Fort Duquesne Bridge, and here we are. Their logo being the same as the American Iron and Steel Institute's kind of makes me want to cry a little every time I see it, and if they lose…. Well, you know." Should the Steelers win, Aniello plans to attend the victory parade and swallow a bottle of sleeping pills during the Pirates' Opening Day game.
Francis Scott Key To Sing National Anthem At Super Bowl XLIII #~# TAMPA BAY, FL—In his first public appearance since his death in 1843, attorney, author, and poet Francis Scott Key announced Wednesday that he would sing "The Star Spangled Banner," which he himself originally penned nearly 200 years ago as the poem "The Defence Of Fort McHenry," prior to Super Bowl XLIII. "I plan to sing it in its entirety with all four stanzas, and to the tune of the British drinking ditty 'The Anacreontic Song,'" Key said as gobbets of desiccated flesh and hanks of hair periodically fell from his yellowed skull. "Thank you, kind sirs, for inviting me to your Superb [sic] Bowl. I relish the opportunity to once again read my work to the worthy landowning men of this great nation." Key attempted to amuse the press by vowing not to muddle up the lyrics, as he had done in a very embarrassing moment before a lawn-bowls match in 1829.
Super Bowl Football To Be Slightly Bigger #~# TAMPA BAY, FL—In an equipment regulation change calculated to increase viewer interest in professional football's championship game, National Football League officials announced Monday that the footballs used in the Super Bowl would be somewhat bigger than their regular-season counterparts. "The length of the ball will be increased from 11 inches to 14, which will make the ball about a yard around at its widest point when inflated to the new pressure of 48 pounds per square inch," the NFL Rules Committee announced Monday. "We believe this will bring a new dimension to both the passing and running games. Good luck." In light of the new football size, coaches for both the Steelers and Cardinals are advising their players to wear gloves, carry the ball with both arms at all times, and lift with their legs and not their backs when recovering fumbles.
The Israeli Conflict Is Far Too Nuanced And Complex To Sum Up In One Op-Ed/Not If You Hate Jews! #~# For as long as I can remember, the Israelis and Palestinians have been in conflict. And for as long as I can remember, there have been myriad opinions about who is right and who is wrong. They are often convincing opinions—passionate, personal, and eloquent. But the violence, the bloodshed, the senseless intractable hatred, is far too complicated to be explained by one newspaper column or a single on-air commentary, no matter how well composed. The names and dates in the latest violence are new, but the scars are from wounds that reach back more than a century—countless families across many generations, each with their own deeds and stories, all with their own reason to carry on the conflict.
Business Bankruptcies Looming In 2009 #~# Thus far, 2009 is shaping up to be a tough year for businesses, with three large companies—telecommunications giant Nortel, chemical company Tronox, and Equal sweetener manufacturer Merisant Worldwide—having filed for bankruptcy within the first two weeks of January. What other businesses are on the brink of Chapter 11 and why?
I Don't Define Myself By My Ability To Travel Between Dimensions #~# I can see it in their eyes. They're thinking, "Hey, look. It's the dimension-jumping guy!" "Come on, dude who isn't bound by time or space—show us how you can project your physical form across the planes of existence!" It's true, when people look at me, all they see is the ghostly aura that remains here on earth while my body is shot clear across the cosmos to a parallel world.
Country CD Put On To Impress Repair Guy #~# WILMETTE, IL—In an effort to impress repairman Jason Delmar, 29, whom he called to fix a malfunctioning dishwasher, local resident Brad Osterberg played Merle Haggard's 1968 album Mama Tried for the entire time Delmar was in his home, the 38-year-old intellectual property attorney told reporters Monday. "He didn't say much, but I think we really connected," said Osterberg, who later added that he always makes sure he has something by A Tribe Called Quest blaring when his usual pizza delivery guy comes. "I just wanted him to feel comfortable. After all, I have a pretty nice place." After leaving Osterberg's home, Delmar reportedly resumed listening to the audiobook of Thomas Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow on his repair truck's CD player in order to "get that hillbilly shit out of [his] head."
55,000 Laid Off Monday #~# More than 55,000 Americans lost their jobs Monday, with companies such as Caterpillar, Sprint, and Home Depot each laying off several thousand workers. What do you think?
Obama Disappointed Cabinet Failed To Understand His Reference To 'Savage Sword Of Conan' #24 #~# WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama expressed frustration Wednesday after members of his cabinet failed to recognize his allusion to the 24th issue of the comic series Savage Sword Of Conan during their first major meeting together.
Blagojevich Claims Behavior Was Just Elaborate Plan To Surprise Patrick Fitzgerald With Senate Nomination On His Birthday #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—As his impeachment trial began Monday, Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich kicked off a national media tour to explain that his alleged senatorial pay-to-play scheme was merely an elaborate plot to surprise U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald with a Senate seat on his birthday. "You try to do something nice for someone, and look what happens," the embattled governor told reporters at a press conference during which he unveiled a birthday cake for Fitzgerald. "People get wind of it, so you try to cover up the big party you planned, then things get out of hand and the story ends up involving a children's hospital, threats to the Tribune, and a half-million-dollar bribe. Next thing you know, you're getting investigated by the very person you wanted to do something nice for! Pat, I'm sorry your birthday surprise was spoiled." Before taking questions, Blagojevich changed into a plumber's outfit and attempted to sneak out of the room, saying in a thick Italian accent that the toilet was backed up and he had to fix it right away.
Area Woman Encouraged By Sight Of Other Woman Drinking Beer Alone At Airport Bar #~# DES MOINES, IA—While en route to visit her cousin in South Bend, local divorcee Janet Linden, 37, told reporters Monday that her initial self-consciousness at drinking a beer by herself at Dugan's Sports Bar in the Des Moines International Airport was somewhat mitigated after she saw a woman approximately her age doing the same. "I guess it's not that bad," Linden said as she straightened herself up in her bar stool and brushed some cat hair off her skirt. "What's wrong with a single, independent woman having a cold beer while she's waiting for her flight? It's perfectly normal. Just ask that lady over there." Linden considered approaching the other woman to chat before realizing she had been looking at a mirror at the other end of the darkened bar.
Second Deadly Monster Truck Accident #~# Eight days after a 6-year-old boy was killed at a monster truck rally in Tacoma, WA, a promoter was struck and killed this weekend at a truck show in Wisconsin. What do you think? 
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice #~# CHIPOTLE—In a lunchtime incident significant enough to warrant you pause, an employee at the fast food Mexican restaurant Chipotle has just dispensed to you a smaller serving of rice than the customer ahead of you.
Dennis Quaid Not Up For Any Oscars #~# LOS ANGELES—The nominees for the 81st annual Academy Awards were announced Thursday, with veteran actor Dennis Quaid receiving no nods in multiple categories.  Quaid, star of The Rookie, Breaking Away, and three films this year, is a strong favorite to walk away without a Best Actor award during Hollywood's biggest night. This marks Quaid's second non-nomination since his 2006 performance in American Dreamz, for which he was also not tapped. Quaid has never won a Golden Globe either.
Kennedy Removes Self From Senate Consideration #~# One day before New York governor David Patterson made his selection, Caroline Kennedy, the daughter of President John F. Kennedy, has withdrawn her bid to replace Hillary Clinton in the Senate.  What do you think? 
What You Could Be Watching Right Now #~# TVGN
Area Teen Up To Something #~# GREENFIELD, OH—A local teenager, standing on the corner of Spring Street and Dunlap Lane, is clearly up to some kind of no good, neighborhood sources reported Thursday.
Celebrity Russian Roulette Showdown #~# BRAVO
Foreman Whips Up Special Batch Of Concrete For Favorite Customer #~# OMAHA, NE—Schultz Concrete Company foreman Al Grayson, 42, mixed up a home-made vat of his finest concrete blend Tuesday for Brenner Construction employee Charles Jacobin, after inviting his favorite customer to "follow [him] 'round back for the good stuff." "Charlie's been coming to me for years, and I know exactly how he likes it," said Grayson, adding that his special batch isn't the kind that lasts just long enough to satisfy the inspectors but then falls apart. "This is concrete the way my grandfather made it, with just a touch of gypsum. There was only one bag left, so I tucked it away for my main man Charlie." While Grayson refused to divulge his secret recipe, he did claim to use only organic cement, artesian well water, and "enough quartzite to make any sidewalk sparkle."
Tina Turner Burns Down Legs For Insurance Money #~# LOS ANGELES—Police officers arrested Tina Turner this week on suspicion of arson, reckless endangerment, and insurance fraud, following allegations that the legendary R&B; singer burned down her legs for financial gain. 
New Virus Infects One In 16 PCs #~# A computer scan by Panda Security showed that almost 6 percent of Windows systems were infected with the Conficker/Downanup worm, which harvests passwords and makes them easier to hijack. What do you think?
Meet The Press #~# NBC
Man Always Attempts To Intercept Tossed Things #~# FLAGSTAFF, AZ—According to sources at McNamara Advertising Inc., junior account executive Matthew Burns, 28, will attempt to catch or deflect any airborne item that enters his general vicinity and has an intended destination or recipient other than himself. "It doesn't matter what it is. I even saw him grab a used tissue out of the air before he realized what he had done," said office manager Karen Dunham, referring to Burns' habit of either batting away, snatching, or "alley-oop" slam-dunking pieces of garbage that have been tossed toward trash receptacles. "And he yells 'my house!' really loudly every time he does it. It's kind of getting out of hand." Burns was not available for comment, as he is recovering from an injury sustained after attempting to intercept an in-flight dart at a local bar.
Great Moments In Pre-Super Bowl Hype #~# The two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl have devolved into a festival of hype as reporters cast about for any story they can find. Some of the most notable: 
Attention-Seeking Willis McGahee Almost Ruins Steelers' Good Time #~# PITTSBURGH, PA—The Pittsburgh Steelers' AFC Championship celebration was nearly ruined Sunday when Baltimore Ravens running back and attention hog Willis McGahee refused to move his extremities following a fourth quarter tackle by safety Ryan Clark, making himself appear to be paralyzed or even dead. "Man, Willis was fine. Turns out he wasn't really hurt that entire time he was laid out on the ground," Pittsburgh's Troy Polamalu said in a postgame press conference in which he vowed never to forgive McGahee for dampening the Steelers' victory. "And oh, yeah, that stretcher was a nice touch. It's like he planned how he could make himself the center of attention." Pittsburgh emergency-room doctors told reporters that they also believed McGahee was faking his severe neck pain and had given him aspirin instead of prescribing any major painkillers.
Oklahoma City Still Waiting For NBA Team To Arrive #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—More than six months after the approval of the Seattle SuperSonics' relocation to Oklahoma City, the metropolitan region's 1.3 million residents continue to eagerly await the arrival of the Thunder, their promised NBA team. 
New President, New Website #~# WhiteHouse.gov, the official website of the president and vice president, was relaunched Tuesday and includes links to Obama's weekly video address and a blog. What do you think?
NFL Players Asked To Come Up With Catchy Slogan For 2009 Super Bowl #~# NEW YORK—Commissioner Roger Goodell sent an emergency mass e-mail Tuesday to the entire NFL Players Association, requesting that everyone create a list of five to eight brainstorms for a captivating Super Bowl XLIII slogan by the end of the day.
Beaten, Bloodied T.J. Houshmandzadeh Hoping Obama Closes Gitmo Soon #~# GUANTÁNAMO BAY, CUBA—News that President Obama had called an immediate halt to detainee prosecutions came as a "welcome relief" to the Bengals' Iranian-American wide receiver Touraj "T.J." Houshmandzadeh, who has suffered through daily questioning sessions at the hands of government interrogators since being detained last December.
Kurt Warner Last Player Remaining From 1947 Cardinals #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Following a remarkable performance in his team's victory over the Philadelphia Eagles last Sunday, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner, the last remaining member of the Cardinals' 1947 championship team, took a moment to reflect on his long NFL career. "Marshall Goldberg, Babe Dimancheff, and Elmer Angsman—they were a great group of guys who would have loved to have been a part of this," Warner told reporters, adding, "You know, they didn't call it the Super Bowl back then. I mean no disrespect to this Cardinal team, or the one I led to the championship in 1925, but there was something special about that '47 squad." Though Warner said he has fallen out of touch with many of his former teammates, he still keeps in contact with 149-year-old Walter Camp, head coach of the Yale Bulldog team Warner led to a national championship in 1888. 
Donovan McNabb: 'Eagles Fans Deserve This Loss More Than Anyone' #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Moments after losing 32-25 to the Cardinals in the NFC Championship Game, Eagles QB Donovan McNabb dedicated the game to Eagles fans everywhere, saying no fans in the country deserved it more. "We have the most single-minded fans in the world, and I can't think of anyone else I'd rather wish this on than them," McNabb said after settling down a locker room of screaming Philadelphia sportswriters. "To have an entire city behind us this whole season, breathing down our necks, waiting silently and patiently through our triumphs until they get to the parts of the season they really love…. There's nothing like it. And it's not just this year—they've been like this for the past decade. So what better way to pay them back than with a nerve-racking, soul-crushing near-comeback like this one? The fans of Philadelphia deserve it." McNabb went on to wish the Cardinals luck and express his admiration for their fans, who, he observed, "seem to be able to actually enjoy football."
Hey Man, You Got A Second So I Can Fire You? #~# How are we doing today? How we doin'? Great, great. You're looking good. Love the shirt. Let me guess: Christmas present? Knew it. Great. Hey man, whenever you get a sec—and it's no biggie—I was hoping you could just pop on over to my office real quick so I can fire you.
Obama Inauguration Speech Ruined By Incessant Jackhammering #~# WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama's Inauguration Day address—a speech that many believed would jumpstart the healing process of an ailing nation, foster hope and goodwill across the world, and serve as the ultimate stamp on the Democrat's historic win—was ruined Tuesday by nearly two hours of nonstop jackhammering. 
Take Time To Talk To Your Child About Whatever Crap They Like #~# Being a parent isn't easy. If you're anything like me, you know it's hard to find enough hours in the day for working, sleeping, and raising the kids. But leading psychologists agree that taking an active role in your child's burgeoning interests is crucial to their development. So, regardless of how busy your schedule gets, it's important to take an interest in the bullshit your kids care about.
Inauguration Crowd Moves To White House Gates To Watch Presidency Happen #~# WASHINGTON—Moments after witnessing the historic inauguration of President Barack Obama Tuesday, the massive, euphoric crowd shifted to the White House gates to watch the rest of his four-year term unfold. "This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see the new president administrate as it happens," said Hawaii resident Matt Rogers, who paid a scalper $100 to secure his portion of sidewalk until January 2013. "These first 100 days will really set the tone for his presidency, and I'm going to see it all from 50 yards away." This is reportedly the largest crowd of presidential spectators to assemble since 1974, when 20 million Americans stood for six months outside disgraced former president Nixon's home in San Clemente, CA just to rub it in.
More Peanut Butter Products Recalled #~# As more cases of peanut-butter-related salmonella pop up, more products are being recalled, including cookies, snack bars, and ice cream. What you think?
Hillary Clinton Mouthing Along To Presidential Oath #~# WASHINGTON—Network news cameras covering Barack Obama's inauguration ceremony Tuesday captured Hillary Clinton silently moving her lips along with each word of the minute-long presidential oath of office. As she stood watching several yards from Chief Justice John Roberts, the former Democratic presidential candidate could be observed placing her left hand on a leather appointment book and raising her right hand slightly from her hip. Clinton, who carefully followed the swearing-in procedure with her eyes shut tightly, only varied from the president's words once, when she soundlessly mouthed her name instead of Barack Obama's. Clinton was later seen at an inaugural ball pretending she was dancing with first lady Michelle Obama. 
Bush Dies Peacefully In His Sleep #~# WASHINGTON—George W. Bush, 43rd president of the United States of America, passed away painlessly in his sleep Monday night, White House sources confirmed. The 62-year-old Bush was reportedly discovered lying unresponsive in his bed by first lady Laura Bush, a gentle smile still on his lips. "It was as though he knew it was his time to go," said longtime family physician Dr. Harold Ditmas, who pronounced the president dead of natural causes at 7:24 a.m. Plans for Bush's funeral have been postponed indefinitely following an unexpected incident in which the president's corpse was sucked through an Air Force One jet engine.
Democrats In Control #~# For the first time in 14 years, the Democrats have control of the White House and both houses of Congress. What do you think?
Vacation To Israel Canceled Due To History Of Israel #~# HOBOKEN, NJ—With only three weeks to go before embarking on a much-anticipated vacation to Israel, 34-year-old Jeff Kaufmann made the difficult decision to cancel his trip yesterday, citing unfavorable exchange rates and the entirety of the Jewish nation's 60-year existence. "I'd been looking forward to this for months, but hotel prices started going up, things got kind of crazy at work, and also Israel's whole history is basically a decades-long horror show of ethnic violence, harsh reprisals, and geopolitical madness." Kaufmann said. "The Negev Desert is supposed to be amazing, but on the other hand, ever since its founding in 1948, Israel has been spinning downward in a chaotic spiral of fear, hatred, and death. So it's a tough call." Kaufmann added that he hopes the Arab and Jewish peoples will be able to put aside a century of bloodshed before his travel voucher expires in June.
Mattress King Selects Wife From Small Wisconsin Village #~# OSHKOSH, WI—Joyous tidings were trumpeted throughout the hamlets of central Wisconsin this week after 43-year-old Mattress King James Koepke III, Lord and Master of a vast bed and box-spring empire, selected Beth Lowery, a buxom, flaxen-haired maiden from the small village of Waukau, to be his bride.
Obama To Close Guantanamo #~# President-elect Barack Obama is planning to issue an executive order to close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay on his first day in office. What do you think? 
Incompetent Staff Feels Underappreciated #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Taking a break from surfing the web, going out for multiple cups of coffee, and missing important work deadlines, employees at Winthrop Media complained once again Monday about being taken for granted.
How About Shutting Up? #~# FOX
Lesser Piece Of Paper Used To Test Pen's Viability #~# CHICAGO—A lesser piece of paper—one of no practical use and little overall consequence—was employed Monday to test out the viability of a nearby pen. According to sources, the inferior sheet of paper was specifically chosen to test out the ball-point writing instrument, as it possessed six continuous inches of clear space, was located within arm's reach, and could be immediately disposed of after its intended use. As of press time, sources revealed that the lesser sheet of paper is actually a 40-page master's thesis belonging to roommate Mark Dixon.
Man Gets Into Mess Usually Reserved For Stars Of Silent Film Era #~# BOWLING GREEN, KY—Stumbling around his study with a large metal bucket lodged firmly over his head, area accountant and father of three Michael Dewley once again found himself in a situation traditionally reserved for film stars of the early 20th century.
Gannett Forces Employees To Take Unpaid Week Off #~# The Gannett Company, publisher of 85 daily newspapers across the United States, is making all its employees take a weeklong unpaid furlough to avoid layoffs. What do you think? 
Unexpressed Love #~# A&E;
Facebook Friend Apparently Dead Now #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—While checking his news feed for updates on the 438 people in his extended network Monday night, Tom Allessandro, 24, noticed that Facebook friend David Bluvband has apparently died. "Huh, I guess he's dead now," said Allessandro, adding that it seemed like only yesterday when Bluvband, a former coworker of his ex-girlfriend, posted a link to the YouTube clip of "Chocolate Rain." "Boy. That's a shame. Just goes to show you that you really have to enjoy every SuperPoke like it's your last." After an appropriate two-minute mourning period spent reviewing Bluvband's tagged photos, Allessandro clicked "Attending" for an event entitled "Lost My Cell Phone! I Need Your Numbers!!@!."
Charles Barkley Finally Gets That Blow Job #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Weeks after being arrested for driving under the influence while seeking out oral sex from a certain particularly skilled partner, NBA legend and basketball analyst Charles Barkley was finally able to drive across town, meet said partner under favorable circumstances, and obtain the blow job in question, Barkley said yesterday.
Controversial Hall of Fame Selections #~# Voters almost unanimously sent Rickey Henderson to Cooperstown, but some inductees barely made the cut. We run down the controversies, debates, and scandals surrounding these marginal Hall of Famers:
Jake Delhomme Throws Keys To Wrong Valet #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Claiming that he felt "rushed," Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme failed to connect on a 5-foot pass to his Capital Grille restaurant valet Sunday, instead sending his car keys into the hands of the wrong parking attendant. "It's frustrating, because I knew as soon as I let go of the keys that the throw was off target," said Delhomme, adding that he should not have been throwing off his back foot. "I don't want to make excuses, but I may have injured my throwing hand on the sharp edge of a key while I was in the pocket. Hopefully, I can watch film from the valet's security camera and correct that next time." Once inside the restaurant, Delhomme fumbled a steaming hot dinner roll, kicked it across the dining room while trying to pick it up, and was blocked into a side table by a busboy, who eventually recovered the baked good.
Rickey Henderson Says He'll Only Join Hall Of Fame If He Can Start #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—All-time stolen base leader Rickey Henderson told Baseball Hall of Fame officials Monday that he would only join Cooperstown's most prestigious club if he could start in left field and bat leadoff. "Man, Rickey's still got it, and it would be disrespectful to myself and my family if I entered a situation where I was playing backup to [former left fielders] Stan Musial or Ted Williams," Henderson said during the hour-long telephone negotiation, adding, "What are those guys, like, 50? Rickey does not ride the pine. Rickey plays. You think Lou Brock can run like me? Please. Goodbye." Henderson later told reporters that he would also be willing to enter the Hall of Fame in Japan, if necessary, and play his remaining years there.
Archie Manning: "Donovan McNabb Is Also My Son" #~# NEW ORLEANS—Following the Eagles NFC divisional playoff victory over the Giants, Archie Manning, retired NFL player and father of Peyton and Eli Manning, stunned the football world by announcing Monday that Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb is also his son. "While traveling with the Saints I met a very special woman in Chicago, and from our brief but heated union sprang a boy—a boy who naturally grew to play quarterback," Manning said during an impromptu interview, adding that he recognized the boy's mother from a recent Campbell's Chunky Soup commercial. "I've kept it a secret all this time, but when my long-lost son defeated Eli last week, I couldn't hold my fatherly pride back any longer. I'm certain Atticus McNabb Manning—the man you all know as Donovan—will bring another Super Bowl MVP Award to the Manning house." Manning admitted it would be "extremely difficult" to choose which quarterbacking son he would root for in the upcoming Ravens-Steelers AFC Championship Game. 
Texans Elect First Jewish Speaker #~# Joe Straus, a Republican from San Antonio who has been elected speaker of the Texas House of Representatives, is the first Jew to hold the position since Texas became a state. What do you think? 
FIFA Player Of The Year Ronaldo Almost Forgets To Thank His Feet #~# ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—Upon receiving the FIFA World Player of the Year award Monday, Manchester United winger Cristiano Ronaldo thanked his team, family, and friends before finally remembering to express gratitude to his feet of 23 years. "I can't believe I forget my feet—I could never have accomplished this without them," said Ronaldo, smiling sheepishly at his feet as he addressed the crowd attending the gala ceremony. "They have worked very hard this year, and I am very proud. They are the best feet. Their presence here today makes having Pele present the award even more of an honor, as I know my feet are very excited to meet his." Ronaldo's relationship with his feet has been tumultuous lately, as the young star recently blamed their erratic pedal work for the crash of his Ferrari 599 GTB last week.
Andy Reid Vows To Eat Philadelphia Delicacy If Eagles Win, Arizona Delicacy If Eagles Lose #~# GLENDALE, AZ—In the type of wager normally placed between mayors of the cities playing in major sporting events, coach Andy Reid vowed to eat any number of Arizona delicacies should his team lose to the Cardinals, as opposed to local Philadelphia cuisine if his Eagles win."Green corn tamales, tequila shrimp, Yucatán steam-roasted turkey; if they win, I promise you now that I will eat anything and everything Arizona has to offer," Reid said at Wednesday's media day, wiping the corner of his mouth with his sleeve throughout the press conference. "But if we win?  Not only do I get to eat a nice big Philly cheesesteak from every major cheesesteak purveyor in the city, I also get some Pennsylvania Dutch soft pretzels, a plate of scrapple, and a hoagie of my choosing. Actually, since I've already paid for it, I might as well just eat both cities' foods. It'd be a shame to let it go to waste." When asked about the AFC Championship Game between Baltimore and Pittsburgh, Reid expressed a slight preference for crab cakes over french-fry-stuffed sandwiches.
Blagojevich Just Getting Started #~# SPRINGFIELD, IL—Hoo, boy, if you thought Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich had finished soliciting bribes from state officials, shamelessly defying federal investigators, and generally acting like a megalomaniacal lunatic, you'd better think again. The crazy bastard, sources confirmed Monday, is just getting warmed up. "I will not relinquish my position as governor, and I will continue to fight these outrageous allegations," Blagojevich said Tuesday, referring to the multiple counts of fraud and extortion being leveled against him, and hinting at a range of other insanely illegal activities you wouldn't believe if he told you. "I know the good people of the state of Illinois support my complete and total exoneration, and look forward to my possible 2016 presidential bid." As of press time, no one could believe the stones on this guy.
This Short Story About A School Shooting Is Actually Pretty Good #~# Being a 10th-grade English teacher can be frustrating. I work hard to help my students improve their writing, but when it comes time to sit down and grade their assignments, I'm often left wondering why I bother. Once in a while, though, a student hands in something that is an absolute delight to read.
GM Auctioning Off Classic Cars #~# In an effort to cut maintenance costs and generate capital, General Motors is auctioning off some 200 cars from its 1,000-plus collection, including a rejected Popemobile and a replica presidential limousine used in the film In The Line Of Fire. Here are some of the other cars on the block. 
Spider Eggs Hatch In Bush's Brain #~# WASHINGTON—President Bush collapsed to the floor of the Oval Office during a meeting with advisers when spiderlings hatched from thousands of egg sacs affixed between the hemispheres of his brain, according to a White House memo released Monday. The spiders severed the president's corpus callosum and ate through the motor-control center of the brain, doctors said, causing Bush's body to jerk involuntarily as a scurrying mass of crab spiders emerged from his mouth and crawled down his face. Witnesses confirmed that a number of spiders also discharged from the president's tear ducts. Secret Service agents restrained the president and carried him to the White House medical facility, but doctors said that by the time Bush arrived, the arachnids had already consumed his corneas, pupils, and vitreous humor. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital. 
I Will Do Whatever It Takes To Restore Your Faith In My Excuses #~# I stand before you a humbled man. I know I've made a real mess of things lately, but if you just give me one more chance to make it right, I promise to you that I will do absolutely everything in my power to restore your faith in my excuses. 
Winehouse, Husband Divorcing #~# Blake Fielder-Civil has filed for divorce, claiming wife Amy Winehouse has been unfaithful. What do you think? 
U.N. Acquires Nuclear Weapon #~# NEW YORK—The United Nations, a highly organized governing body bent on world peace, has obtained a nuclear warhead and intends to use the dangerous device to pursue its radical human rights agenda, sources reported Monday.
Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate #~# WASHINGTON—A team of nine specially trained handlers have successfully lured outgoing vice president Dick Cheney into a reinforced steel traveling crate in order to transport him back to his permanent enclosure in Casper, WY, official sources reported Monday. “He’s a smart one. Once he sees the crate, he gets pretty nippy, but we’ve learned a few tricks over the years,” chief VP wrangler Ted Irving breathlessly said while applying pressure to a deep gash on his forearm. “If we break a rabbit’s legs and throw it in there, he will eventually go in to finish it off. Doesn’t work with dead rabbits, though. Cheney only eats what he kills.” Irving said that the latest vice presidential relocation went much more smoothly than September’s diplomatic trip to Georgia, which was delayed for several hours after Cheney mauled three secret service agents and escaped inside the White House walls.
Health Insurance Expensive For Unemployed #~# A report from the group Families USA says that the cost of maintaining health insurance for a family under COBRA consumes, on average, nearly 84 percent of a worker’s unemployment benefits. What do you think? 
Bush Spends Day Feverishly Booby-Trapping Desk #~# WASHINGTON—In preparation for the traditional task of welcoming his successor to the Oval Office, outgoing president George W. Bush canceled all his appointments and press conferences Monday so he could spend the day outfitting his desk with a series of traps, gags, and hair-trigger switches. "Oh, man, is he gonna get it," the president said after rearranging the letters on his computer keyboard and supergluing the direct-line-to-the-Pentagon telephone to its base. "If the 44th president is anything like me, he'll grab this can of peanuts to snack on when he's talking to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and when he does—bam! Right in his face!"
Horde Of Orange Monsters Exits Local Tanning Salon #~# HOBOKEN, NJ—Terrifying every innocent bystander in its wake, a menagerie of hideously hued orange beasts burst from the Hollywood Tans on Washington Street Tuesday and marched aimlessly through the downtown area in a macabre parade of unspeakable grotesquerie. "The horror!" local resident Julie Hollingsworth said as she stood frozen, blinded by the glare of the creatures' luminous white teeth. "My eyes! My eyes are besieged! What evil forces have entered these unearthly sacks of blistered leather and made them dance so revoltingly?" According to traumatized witnesses, the monsters communicated with one another in a series of high-pitched, unrecognizable shrieks, possibly calling for the doom of all mankind or perhaps asking for the location of the nearest Pinkberry.
Difficult To Tell If T.J. Maxx Hit Hard By Recession #~# CHICAGO—While a majority of the nation's top retailers have reported a decided slump in 2008, economists studying the declining consumer markets are still unable to determine if discount clothing store T.J. Maxx has been affected by widespread recession.
California's IOU Tax Refunds #~# Unless it is able to overcome a budget shortfall by February, California may be mailing out IOUs instead of tax refunds this year. What do you think? 
Sixth Senate Page Dragged Away By Congressional Swamp Creature #~# WASHINGTON—The disappearance of a sixth Senate page in less than two months has renewed old fears in the legislative branch, leaving many to wonder if the legendary congressional swamp creature has returned.
Sexy Detective #~# FOX
Gallant Man Extremely Concerned About Drunk Woman's Welfare #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Derek Kriesel, 22, who shall heretofore be known far and wide as the stately prince of Shooters Sports Pub & Grub, gallantly rushed to the aid of an inebriated maiden Tuesday when he noticed she was too drunk to make rational decisions. "A noble one was he who, as the valiant knights of yore, attended to her every whim, and yet she did not have to ask, or even glance in his direction," bartender Nate Bogen said of the modern-day Lancelot, who from his own pocket purchased many a drink for the woman after she fumbled just once for her purse. "He is truly a man among men, for ne'er did his eyes stray from her." According to sources, the noble hero also escorted the fair lady to her quarters, fingered her while she vomited, and slipped off before dawn without waking her or her parents.
Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors' Treatment Of Colds #~# WASHINGTON—A two-year investigation conducted in five major cities has exposed a widespread campaign by the formidable Rest and Fluids industry to infiltrate thousands of doctors' offices and dictate how they treat minor illnesses.
Consumer Electronics Show Shrinks #~# In the face of the struggling economy, the annual Consumer Electronics Show is expected to have fewer participants. What do you think? 
Obscuroclasts #~# Sundance
People In Commercial Having More Fun With Camera Than Humanly Possible #~# NEW YORK—According to sources, the people in a commercial for the Canon PowerShot S1100 IS digital camera have expressed a degree of pleasure that far exceeds the enjoyment that any known consumer electronic device could possibly provide. "Despite what we're seeing in this commercial, no existing camera is capable of producing the increased release of serotonin and dopamine that these people appear to be experiencing," said Dr. Otto Hauser, a brain and cognitive sciences professor at New York University. "Features such as red-eye reduction and night display would perhaps trigger a very brief elevation of mood, but…oh, come on! They just high-fived, for Christ's sake." At press time, Hauser said the level of fun that the camera is providing has outstripped what would be even remotely attainable with a Jet Ski–brand watercraft and a 12-pack of Samuel Adams premium ale.
Bank CEO Requests No Bonus #~# Following five quarters of declining profit, Bank of America CEO Kenneth Lewis has requested that he and other senior executives receive no bonuses. What do you think? 
Tim Gunn Takes Wizards Shopping For Less Hideous Uniforms #~# WASHINGTON—Fashion consultant and Project Runway host Tim Gunn surprised the Washington Wizards Monday by unexpectedly arriving at the Verizon Center locker room and offering to help Wizards players shop for less repulsive uniforms.
LaDainian Tomlinson To Play Next Game Without A Groin #~# SAN DIEGO—Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson, who was forced to leave last week's game in the second quarter after aggravating a groin injury, announced Wednesday that he will play Sunday's game against Pittsburgh without the aid of his groin. "The team will need me against the Steelers, and I can't afford to let my groin hold me back, so the groin is staying on the bench for this one," said Tomlinson, who made the decision against the recommendation of team doctors. "I would have just bit it off on the sidelines last week, like Ronnie Lott did with his pinkie that one time, but [running back] Darren [Sproles] told me he had the situation under control, and he did. That's one I owe him." Tomlinson's decision to play without a vital part of his anatomy is being compared to former Lions running back Barry Sanders' decision to play his entire career without his skeleton.
Kentucky Player Must Explain Significance Of AutoZone Liberty Bowl Before Coed Sleeps With Him #~# LEXINGTON, KY—University of Kentucky freshman Amy Austin demanded defensive end Ventrell Jenkins explain "what's so great" about the AutoZone Liberty Bowl before she would consent to participate in sexual intercourse with him, sources reported Monday. 
Yankees Boost Payroll By Signing A-Rod Again #~# NEW YORK—Continuing a high-spending offseason that has seen the team sign free agents CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, and Mark Teixeira to lucrative contracts, the New York Yankees dipped into their pocketbook once again to sign Alex Rodriguez to another 10-year, $275 million deal. "This contract will run concurrent to the 10-year, $275 million contract we signed with Alex last winter," said Yanks' GM Brian Cashman, who announced that the deal includes the option for yet another 7-year, $175 million deal. "This gives us some more flexibility in the 2018 season. We hit a stumbling block when [agent] Scott [Boras] insisted we reinstitute the last three years of the deal Alex opted out of, but then we decided to just throw $75 million in there. Alex is a great player, and we think his new contract will be a great addition to our payroll." Reports indicate the Yankees have entered negotiations to once again sign Derek Jeter, CC Sabathia, and Alex Rodriguez.
Teammates Pretty Sure Ben Roethlisberger Can No Longer Remember Their Names #~# PITTSBURGH— After Ben Roethlisberger repeatedly addressed his Pittsburgh teammates as "dude," "Mac," and "you there" for an entire practice session last Monday, the quarterback's fellow Steelers concluded that the oft-concussed Pro Bowler is unable to remember their names. "I walked up to him in the locker room and said, 'Hey Ben,' and he responded, 'Hey…brother,'"said a teammate who spoke on the condition of continued anonymity. "He only used a first name once, and that was when he was talking to Troy Polamalu. And he kept calling him Randy." When asked if he would be ready for Sunday's game, Roethlisberger said that as the third-string goalie, there is only so much he could do. 
2008 Bowl Game Highlights #~# Rose Bowl: Penn State is at a huge disadvantage when head coach Joe Paterno decides to coach the game from the Rose Parade's Garden of Oz float
NBA To Experiment With 3-Minute Games #~# NEW YORK—NBA commissioner David Stern held a press conference Monday to announce that the National Basketball Association was phasing out full-length games and would begin experimenting with three-minute contests starting in February.
People Like Food #~# These days it's hard to get people to agree on things. Some people like wearing shorts all the time, but other people think you always have to dress up nice. Some people like movies with cartoons in them, but other people only like watching real people. How do you find a middle ground? You don't. It's impossible. But, there's one thing I've found where I think we can all agree: food. People like food.
McDonald's Makeover #~# More than 30 years after its last redesign, McDonald’s is again undergoing a major facelift. What will the new design features be?
Area Teen Accidentally Enters Teen Center #~# SANDUSKY, OH—In a moment of confusion, area teenager Eric Dooley briefly walked into a local teen outreach center Tuesday, a place that neither he nor any of his teenaged friends would ever knowingly enter. "Oh, geez. I'm sorry," the 15-year-old said as he quickly assessed the four battered foosball tables, outdated PlayStation console, overly friendly counselor, and garish orange and purple paint scheme—all intended to appeal to him—before exiting the facility in less than six seconds. "This isn't where I'm supposed to be. Sorry. Sorry." Dooley reportedly joined a gang later that afternoon.
I Have Completed Stage One Of Our Plan To Take Over The World #~# Bur #318 reporting: Primary objectives have been met. Ready Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6 for execution of Stage Two. 
China Cracking Down On Digital Pornography #~# In order to "purify the Internet's cultural environment and protect the healthy development of minors," the Chinese government is targeting search engines like Google in order to restrict pornography. What do you think? 
Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date #~# WASHINGTON—In an alarming development with wide-reaching implications for America's safety, Department of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff and CIA Director Michael Hayden issued a joint report Monday warning that the next 9/11 could in fact occur on a different date.
Single-Engine Cessna Crashes Into Bush #~# CAMP DAVID, MD—The Federal Aviation Administration said engine failure was to blame for a pilot losing control of a four-seater Cessna aircraft that crashed head-on into President Bush Thursday. According to the FAA report, the nose of the Cessna 350 impacted with the president's face at 110 mph, instantly killing pilot James Morris, 45. Bush reportedly suffered third-degree burns on 95 percent of his body, a broken spine, 20 shattered ribs, one collapsed lung, a basilar skull fracture, and minor leakage of cerebrospinal fluid. Bush, who had been hiking alone in an isolated region of the 125-acre presidential retreat before the accident, was trapped under the burning engine block for 45 minutes before rescue crews reached the crash site. While doctors said they worked swiftly to remove the smoldering wreckage from the president's body, much of the plane's burning debris had already fused to his skeleton before he could be airlifted from the scene. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.
Franken Likely Winner #~# After nearly two months of recounts, Al Franken is the likely winner of the contested Minnesota Senate race. What do you think? 
Lazy Daredevil To Lie Across 12 Couches #~# LAS VEGAS—In his greatest feat to date, lazy daredevil Pete "The Idler" Nucci will attempt to lie across 12 couches in under an hour this Friday evening. "These ain't your typical namby-pamby little Japanese loveseats," said Col. Chester Llewelyn, Nucci's manager. "No sir. We're talkin' over 72 feet of American-made, La-Z-Boy softness." Nucci's last daring performance—an October attempt to lounge across nine hammocks—was thwarted when he crashed out on the fifth one and couldn't be revived for several tense minutes. 
Survival Of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle #~# DUNDEE, IL—Amid the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, sometimes there's a little miracle in store for all of us.
Testosterone Patch Revives Female Sex Drive #~# A study published in The New England Journal Of Medicine says that postmenopausal women experience an increase in libido with a testosterone patch. What do you think? 
Stripper Putting Herself Through Life #~# JUPITER, FL—Nina Meyer, a young, strong-willed exotic dancer at the Klassy Dolls Gentleman's Club, informed patrons Monday that she only plans to perform nude for as long as it takes to get through the remainder of her existence on earth.
Opportunity Knocks #~# ABC
Buttons Just Don't Disappear, Reports Woman On Hands And Knees #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Although there is a slim chance the darn things might have rolled under the stove, Michigan resident Irene Sullivan, 50, stated conclusively Sunday that buttons, like the nice red ones on her favorite sweater, cannot simply vanish without a trace. "I know they don't just sprout legs and walk away, that's for sure," Sullivan told reporters from her position on all fours below the kitchen table. "Oh, for crying out loud, is that a baby carrot under the fridge?" The mother of two could not provide any further information as to why these things always happen right before church, but did refer back to an earlier declaration that if it's not one thing, it's another.
Teen TV Habits Linked To Adult Depression #~# A study published in the Archives Of General Psychiatry found that teenagers who watch a lot of television are more likely to suffer depression as adults. What do you think? 
ATF Agents Closing In On Nation's Most Notorious Cigarette Bummer #~# WASHINGTON—A spokesperson for the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives announced Tuesday that the agency has intensified its manhunt for an individual suspected of bumming more than 75,000 cigarettes nationwide. 
Howie Time! #~# NBC
CIA Awkwardly Debriefs Obama On Creation Of Crack Cocaine #~# WASHINGTON—In his first meeting with President Barack Obama, CIA crime and counternarcotics analyst Timothy R. McIntire haltingly explained to the nation's first African-American commander in chief the highly classified origin of crack cocaine and the resultant epidemic that swept across U.S. inner cities. "Well, you see, sir…thing is, we needed money to help those Contras back in '85, and we never really expected…so we distributed it, and…shortsighted…and, ha, well, Christ—is it hot in here?" McIntire said between exaggerated coughs. "Yikes, okay. See, it was a very tense time—not that that makes it right—and, uh, bottom line is, we're a different agency now."
If Someone Tried To Burn My Village, I'd Be Like, 'Fuck You' #~# I was reading some story the other day about this African guy whose village was burned to the ground, and it blew me away. I couldn't believe that some army could march into a town, terrorize everyone there, and destroy all their homes. It really got me thinking about how much better life is in America. We talk about how bad things are, but something like that would never happen in this country, at least not while I was around.
'Old Milwaukee Book Of World Records' Confirms Title For Most Punches To Shoulder #~# MILWAUKEE—In a ceremony held Tuesday at Milwaukee City Hall, local resident Phillip Schneider, 27, was officially recognized by the Old Milwaukee Book Of World Records for being punched in the shoulder the most times in one hour. "We are proud to bestow this honor on Mr. Schneider after he withstood 29 strikes to the upper arm from his friend Mike, who is a pretty big guy," OMBWR committee chief Gerald Foster said of Schneider's feat, which beat the previous record by four punches. "Congratulations. Please accept this six-pack and a $15 gift certificate to Shopko." Schneider's achievement completes a busy week for the record compendium during which Laura Penipeno of Winnebago, WI was given the title of "World's Tallest Cashier" and Dave Pinski from New Berlin, WI was honored for having the world's coolest idea for a stunt.
New Mike Tyson Documentary Features Exclusive Interviews With Super Macho Man, King Hippo #~# AUSTIN, TX—A new documentary titled Punched Out!!: The Mike Tyson Story, which follows the legendary boxer's career from his debut as a challenger to the infamous DREAM FIGHT!! against Little Mac in 1987, will premiere at the 2009 SXSW Film Festival.
Cleaner Air, Longer Life #~# An increase in American air quality over the last 20 years has led to an average life span increase of 21 weeks. What do you think? 
Lesser-Known Steroids #~# Primabolan and Dianabol get all the attention, but they are hardly the only steroids available. Here are some of the more obscure:
Report: Majority Of Utah Jazz Players Have Never Heard Of Themselves #~# SALT LAKE CITY—In a USA Today poll of NBA players and fans published Tuesday, four out of five Utah Jazz players admitted to never having heard of their team, their teammates, or themselves. "Wait, who the hell is that guy?" Utah forward Paul Millsap said while looking at a picture of Jazz forward Paul Millsap. "I seem to remember the Jazz playing pretty well for the past few seasons, and they always have a bunch more white guys than other teams, but I don't know any of their names or what they do. Ostertag's not on the team anymore, is he? Though to be honest, it's not like I'd know him if I saw him." During last night's game against the Warriors, the Jazz were charged with their 49th consecutive delay of game penalty when no one got up from the bench after coach Jerry Sloan announced the starting lineup.
New 'Friday Night Lights' Spin-Off To Focus On Underfunded Texas Hockey Team #~# NEW YORK—NBC officials announced Tuesday that the new Friday Nights Lights spin-off Saturday Morning Ice will follow an underfunded Dillon Panthers hockey team that is ignored by the football-obsessed Texas town as it struggles to practice without a rink. "We have an attractive ensemble cast, plenty of brooding, and some familiar faces—like Lyla Garrity, who has a locker just three down from starting left winger Josh Porter," said NBC co-chairman Ben Silverman. "Eric Taylor's role as Dillon athletic director will be explored in the pilot as he locks eyes with his pest of a hockey coach, who quits after complaining that the only equipment his program has is a deflated ball the girls' soccer team didn't want." Silverman promised numerous uplifting dramatic moments in the series, such as when Eric Taylor personally drives the hockey team to Play It Again Sports to look for usable pucks, and later when Taylor forces the misbehaving football players to build a hockey rink in the school's basement.
Sidney Crosby Takes Advantage Of Player's Discount At Penguins Store #~# PITTSBURGH—By using his 15 percent employee discount, Penguins center and team captain Sidney Crosby has reportedly saved hundreds of dollars on a variety of team-licensed garments, knit caps, and pencil cups for family and friends. "I've had my eye on the Penguins black pleather varsity jacket for quite a while, so I figured that now was the time to benefit from the $11.24 I could save," Crosby said. "I got my sister Taylor a Penguins hoodie, bought my dad a cool visor, and gave my mom a Sidney Crosby 24-karat gold commemorative coin. Oh, and I got Evgeni Malkin a Malkin jersey, because Malkin's his favorite player." Sidney Crosby's teammates honored the 21-year-old Tuesday by wearing the number 87 Sidney Crosby jerseys he had recently bought for them.
Entire Basketball Game Rendered Pointless By Last-Second Shot #~# YPSILANTI, MI—A thrilling seesaw battle against Akron was ruined as boorish Eastern Michigan forward Brandon Bowdry mustered the sheer gall necessary to hit a come-from-behind three-pointer at the buzzer, rendering the preceding 39 minutes and 59 seconds moot. "We bust our butts out there for two hours, get a lead, and this punk comes swooping in and hits a prayer from half-court—some nerve he has," said Akron coach Keith Dambrot, who asked that referees check the rule book three times to make sure the shot was legal. Eastern Michigan players seemed similarly upset with Bowdry, throwing their hands up in the air and shaking their heads after the shot went in. One anonymous teammate described the play as poor sportsmanship, complaining that the team had played hard and "was just about to lose fair and square." Immediately after Bowdry's shot scored, the Eastern Michigan crowd erupted in anger, booing Bowdry off the court and demanding their money back for sitting through nearly two meaningless halves of basketball.
Men Standing Behind Backstop With Radar Guns Exchange Impressed Glances #~# Lakeland, FL—During a recent throwing session by Tigers' top prospect Rick Porcello, two men holding radar guns in the bleachers behind home plate could be seen shooting each other knowing glances, shaking their heads, and letting out low whistles after each pitch. "Kid's got an arm," one man said while lifting his hat and scratching his head with the same hand just before spitting a stream of tobacco juice between his teeth. His companion, a large man in suspenders who punctuated his comments by mopping his brow, seemed to agree, remarking that he had "been around for a long time" and had "never seen anything like it." The men went on to remark that they had not seen an arm like that since Yankee great Steve Nebraska or Cubs great Henry Rowengartner.
The New Kindle #~# Having sold out of its popular e-book reader Kindle last fall, Amazon is now releasing an updated version of the device. Here are some of the features and improvements of the new Kindle:
Loud Squawking Crow Forces FAA To Ground All Flights Indefinitely #~# WASHINGTON—Thousands were left stranded at airports nationwide Tuesday, when the Federal Aviation Administration grounded all commercial flights due to the harsh, discordant squawks emitted by a nearby crow. "We apologize to all passengers affected by the cancellations, but he sounds really close," acting FAA administrator Robert Sturgell said at a press conference, adding that the nation's airport security officials have determined that the crow is in either a tree somewhere close by or possibly on a roof. "Flights across the Eastern Seaboard will resume just as soon as we can shoo it away." In the wake of these recent air traffic delays, President Obama has earmarked $3 billion from the bailout budget to finance the construction of a national scarecrow.
Serotonin Makes Locusts Swarm #~# A new study indicates that an increased level of serotonin—a chemical that can prevent depression in humans—causes locusts to swarm. What do you think? 
Nation Instinctively Forms Breadline #~# NEW YORK—Drawn by a strange force they could neither resist nor describe, millions of Americans reportedly dropped what they were doing Tuesday and, acting as if by instinct alone, gathered into one massive nationwide breadline. 
I'm Thinking About Getting A Dog To Neglect #~# I have a hole in my life. It's small, has four legs, a shiny coat, and maybe even one of those teeny corkscrew tails that wags when it's happy to see me. Yes, it's a dog—a huggable little munchkin who's there for me anytime I happen to be at home and in the mood for some limited companionship. 
Man Finally Unpauses 'Super Mario Bros.' After 18 Years Of Chores #~# REYNARD, NV—Nearly two decades after suspending the game to clean the bathroom and mow the front yard, Nevada resident Dennis Rigali, 29, finally resumed the Super Mario Bros. adventure he started in 1991. "My mom would not get off my back until I did all my laundry, and then I had all this stupid school work I had to finish," Rigali said regarding his decision to leave the game paused until after he picked up his room, graduated from college, and dated a woman for 7 years. "Aw, man. The princess is at the other castle?" As of press time, Rigali had not located former next-door neighbor Jeff Isola to take his turn as Luigi.
Arranged Marriage Reality Series In Production #~# CBS has picked up a reality show with the working title Arranged Marriage, a program in which contestants’ spouses are selected by friends and family, and the married couples’ lives are then filmed. What do you think? 
Parade Of Interchangeable Starlets Delights U.S. Populace #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—A steady stream of indistinguishable, uniformly beautiful actresses brought excitement and joy to millions of Americans Sunday by donning similarly glamorous dresses that hugged their identical figures and marching past television cameras at consistent intervals. Nielsen ratings revealed more than half the country was transfixed by the procession of loose curls, white teeth, and vapid over-the-shoulder glances by each of the 100 percent transposable starlets.  "It's amazing to be here," said any one of the striking females to an army of perky, unmemorable entertainment reporters. "Thank you! I can barely breathe in it. You look beautiful, too. I love your earrings." At the conclusion of the hour-long parade, the homogeneous beauties were handed gold statuettes to honor their near-exact roles in impossible-to-tell-apart motion pictures.
Asian Man 'Randomly' Searched 21 Times #~# After having his bag searched 21 times on the New York subway, 32-year-old Jangir Sultan is suing the NYPD for racial profiling. What do you think? 
Sasha Obama Keeps Seeing Creepy Bush Twins While Riding Tricycle Through White House #~# WASHINGTON—A little more than a month after the first family's move to the White House, reports of strange happenings have continued to surface, with Sasha Obama confirming Tuesday that she had once again been visited by the eerie specter of the Bush twins. 
Last Meals #~# FOOD
Area Woman Only Enjoys Miniature Versions Of Things #~# MANHATTAN, KS—Though she has been known to tolerate full-sized items on occasion, local woman Barbara Elsinger, 41, can only derive pleasure from, take an interest in, and exhibit affection toward miniaturized versions of things, sources reported Tuesday.
Cash-Strapped Oscars To Give Out Emmys #~# BEVERLY HILLS, CA—The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday that, due to disappointing ad sales for the costly televised event, all winners at the 81st annual Oscars will receive semi-personalized Emmy statuettes. "We hope you'll still join us for the star-studded night, when we'll honor the brightest talents of the silver screen with a few refurbished Guest Actress in a Drama Series awards Sally Fields didn't collect," said Academy president Sid Ganis, who promised to save the least dented statuette for Best Picture. "Will Kate Winslet's spellbinding performance in The Reader win her television's most coveted prize? You have to tune in to find out." Ganis said he believes this and other cost-cutting measures must be taken promptly in order to prevent the Academy from defaulting on past Lifetime Achievement awards.
Octuplet's Domicile Threatened By Foreclosure #~# The home of Angela Suleman, mother to Nadya Suleman and grandmother to her 14 children, went into default earlier this month. What do you think? 
Plan To Start Little Stationery Store Too Sad For Bank To Deny Loan #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Loan officers at the First National Bank of Kansas City defended their decision to lend local man Tim Creamsby $650,000 to open a small stationery store Monday, explaining that, while the business's long-term prospects were poor, the idea was "simply too pathetic and heartbreaking" not to sign off on.
White House Press Conference #~# CNN
Area Man Thought He Had More Forks Than This #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Rummaging through his silverware tray Thursday morning, database administrator Ben Pagano, 30, was shocked to discover that he owned far fewer forks than previously assumed. "What the hell? I thought I had a bunch of them," Pagano said after double-checking the tray's knife compartment and his bedroom nightstand for any wayward forks. "Didn't I have, like, six when I moved in here? I wonder if Bill took some when he moved out." At press time, 11 of Pagano's forks and his missing wristwatch were still in the apartment's broken dishwasher, which none of the roommates had opened since April.
Texas UFO Identified #~# An object that streaked dramatically across the Texas sky earlier this week was identified by the FAA as a meteor, not, as many had speculated, debris from a satellite collision. What do you think? 
Scott Boras Able To Get Manny Ramirez $20 Billion In Economic Stimulus Money #~# WASHINGTON—After a series of closed-door talks, Scott Boras, the agent known for representing the highest-paid players in baseball, set another record for the game's largest contract when he finalized Manny Ramirez's $20 billion agreement with the United States federal government on Thursday. "Manny's .396 batting average last season with the Dodgers, as well as his playoff performance, proved that he is as important to this country as infrastructure projects, health care, and renewable energy development," Boras said during an interview, adding that Ramirez is especially satisfied with the indefinite length of the contract. "He's promised to cut 47 hours of antics this year and to make necessary attitude adjustments in order to remain solvent. Any criticism Manny receives for this contract is simply what comes with getting a huge amount of money from the government during a time of crisis." A clause in the contract states Ramirez could receive an additional $6 billion if he successfully saves the American auto industry.
Bobby Labonte Real Happy With 73rd Lap #~# DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Despite finishing a distant 22nd in the 2009 running of the Daytona 500, veteran driver Bobby Labonte expressed supreme satisfaction with his 73rd lap of the tri-oval. "There are laps and then there are laps, but that might be the best lap I've ever run," said a visibly moved Labonte, who compared the lap to his beloved 118th at the 2007 Sharpie 500 and his much-ballyhooed third at the 2004 Tropicana 400. "In a million years I never even imagined I could run a lap like that, and I doubt I'll ever run one like that again. I can't get over the fact that it came after that disgraceful 72nd—a lap that made me honestly think the sport had passed me by. It just all came together; the racing line, the car, the draft, everything. Just amazing." When informed the lap ran him two seconds above his average time, Labonte shook his head and said, "You just don't get it."
Buccaneers Inform Jeff Garcia That No Team Ever Wanted Him #~# TAMPA BAY, FL—Shortly after ending a two-year relationship with Jeff Garcia Monday, the Buccaneers front office notified its former quarterback that no NFL organization had in fact ever wanted or needed the 38-year-old. "It was hard to see that look on his face, but he needed to learn that no team—not even the Bears—could imagine a future with him," said owner Malcolm Glazer. "We were only stuck with Jeff for this long because nobody better was available." Glazer, who said the decision to make a clean break came after consideration of Garcia's arm strength, height, freckles, and male pattern baldness, admitted the Buccaneers only pursued the quarterback to see if it made other free agents interested in the team.
Phil Mickelson Shows Bubba Watson New Grip In Clubhouse Shower #~# PACE, FL—Saying he could show his fellow golfer a technique that would both "increase his control and allow him to go way longer," Phil Mickelson spent 20 minutes carefully and thoroughly demonstrating his personal grip to Bubba Watson in the clubhouse shower Sunday. "Not too tight, not too loose, see the way my fingers are? You can interlock them, you can overlap them, just not too tight is the important thing. Now swing away," a sudsy Mickelson told Watson, who is known for his trademark pink-shafted drivers, as rivulets of steaming water coursed down their bodies. "It's all in the wrist, let the club head do the work, find the sweet spot…. Yeah…yeah…that's right. You've got it. Beautiful. Uh-huh. Just keep on just like that." Watson later confided to friends that the useful lesson could have been less awkward if Mickelson had brought a club into the shower with him.
Marcus Camby Caught Hacking NBA Computer To Change Clippers Power Ranking #~# LOS ANGELES—NBA officials formally accused center Marcus Camby Wednesday of exploiting a weakness in the NBA computer system, gaining access to the league's power rankings, and altering the Clippers position from 27th to first. "We were first alerted to a discrepancy Monday when we observed that the 41-9 Lakers were placed lower than the 12-39 Clippers," said NBA commissioner David Stern, adding that administrators knew something was wrong after double-checking the strengths of team schedules. "We realized Marcus was behind everything after noticing that his assists per game had gone up from 2.1 in 2006 to 17.3 this season." In 2004, Camby was suspended for one week after he unleashed the Mydoom computer virus on Defense Department computers.
Nate Robinson Jumping Over Dwight Howard In Everyday Life #~# ORLANDO, FL—Since leaping over Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard to claim his second NBA dunk title Saturday, 5-foot-9 New York Knicks guard Nate Robinson has apparently dedicated himself to the sole task of jumping over Howard as the 7-footer goes about his daily life. 
NASCAR's Most Disappointing Finishes #~# 1908: In the first-ever NASCAR race, every Model T putters out in the first five seconds
Obama Peddling Stimulus Package Door-To-Door #~# HUTCHINSON, KS—In an effort to build support for his controversial economic recovery plan, President Obama set out across the country in a rented car Monday to peddle the $787 billion bailout door-to-door, administration sources reported. "Ma'am, if you'd permit me just a moment of your time, I'd like to talk to you today about a honey of a new stimulus package that's just arrived all the way from Washington, D.C.," the grinning president said in a front-porch sales pitch to local housewife Marilyn Fields, 49. "Why, yes, ma'am, this package here has got everything. It's handy, it's dandy, it's built to last, and if you can find a better plan for reviving our nation's stagnant economy this side of the Mississippi, then my name ain't Barack Hussein Obama." The president added that if the nation acts now, he'll throw in a "brand-new, state-of-the-art" farm subsidies bill, plus a four-year warranty and unlimited congressional oversight, absolutely free.
Oscar Handicapping #~# Every year, Oscar pools are a big part of celebrating the Academy Awards. To help you with your picks, here are some odds on who we think will take home a statue this year:
If Itzhak Perlman Is Performing On TV Right Now, Who Is Feeding My Cat? #~# Boy am I steamed. I finally get the chance to go on a little vacation for a couple of days, but instead of relaxing, I'm just a tightly wound ball of anxiety. I turned off all my appliances before I left, stored my valuables in a safe place, threw away all my perishable food items, and I thought, I thought I made the necessary arrangements to have my neighbor and international violin sensation Itzhak Perlman feed my cat.
Employee Who Likens Self To TV's 'House' Fired #~# ALPINE, NJ—Walter Salinger, 38, a U.S postal employee who often compared himself to the cantankerous yet brilliant titular character from the Fox medical drama House, was recently fired for insubordinate behavior, coworkers reported Tuesday. "He was either outright rude to customers or avoided them completely," said letter carrier Lyle Davis, whom Salinger often referred to as one of his "team," even though both men hold the same title. "Walter was a mailman, for Christ's sake. Who cares if 'everyone lies' about parcel dimensions? It's not like he ever saved anyone's life." Though Salinger was generally disliked at his place of employment, station manager Nate Cranston said the branch would continue to make use of the brainstorming whiteboard Salinger brought in to prevent dead letters.
Nuclear Subs Collide #~# Two nuclear submarines, one French and one British, collided in the Atlantic earlier this month, raising safety concerns. What do you think? 
Head Lice Going Around Senate #~# WASHINGTON—Eighteen senators were sent home from Congress Tuesday after a routine screening found an infestation of nits, larvae, and adult parasites living on the scalps of high-ranking Washington lawmakers. 
Fringe #~# FOX
The Best Part Of Being A Cop Is Knowing That You're Completely Impervious To Bullets #~# Every cop knows there are three reasons to join the force: You get to give back to the community, you become a role model for young people, and, best of all, bullets can no longer physically harm you in any way.
FDA Prepares Nation For Switch To Digital Food Format #~# WASHINGTON—Urging the estimated 60 million Americans who have not yet made the transition to the more advanced form of sustenance to do so as soon as possible, acting FDA commissioner Frank Torti announced Wednesday that the nationwide conversion to Digital Food (DF) will take place on Apr.17, 2009. "The only thing consumers who currently rely on analog foods will need is a digital converter box, which you can purchase at any grocery store," Torti said at a press conference, adding that every American household is eligible for a $40 coupon to digitize its current pantry. "DF offers higher texture quality and better taste, as well as multiple spice choices and interactive capabilities. I must stress, however, that after the deadline you will no longer be able to eat your current food." On the heels of the announcement, President Obama has begun pressuring the Senate to pass legislation that would require all food to be completely wireless by 2015. 
Muzak Files For Bankruptcy #~# With a debt load between $100 million and $500 million, Muzak Holdings LLC, the company whose name is synonymous with elevator and on-hold music, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. What do you think?
Tourists Not Leaving Landmark Until All Permutations Of Groups And Cameras Exhausted #~# KEYSTONE, SD—Less than eight minutes after arriving at the famed attraction, a group of tourists visiting the Mount Rushmore National Memorial has made it clear they will not leave until at least one photo of every possible combination of people has been taken by every available camera, sources reported today. "Okay, now Sue, Kyle, Rick, Boyd, James, the dog, and the twins," sightseer Paula Thorpe, 42, was overheard saying while taking the group's 372nd photograph of the day with one of the six cameras on her person. "All right, now just the girls and Tim." At press time, the tourists were trying to convince a nearby German tourist to take 75 pictures of them all together.
Nation's Blacks Creeped Out By All The People Smiling At Them #~# WASHINGTON—A majority of African-Americans surveyed in a nationwide poll this week reported feeling "deeply disturbed" and "more than a little weirded out" by all the white people now smiling at them.
Florida Gun Sellers Short On Bullets #~# After what appears to be a run on bullets, gun dealers in the state of Florida are experiencing an ammunition shortage. What do you think? 
Girl Would Be Terrified If She Knew Teacher Had Crush On Her Too #~# BOISE, ID—Seventh-grader Rebecca Hodgson—who recently developed a crush on her English teacher Douglas Patterson—would very likely be horrified to learn that the 47-year-old has similar romantic feelings toward her. 
Ice Road Hookers #~# HISTORY 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST This weekly reality program chronicles the vicious competition and daring exploits of the rugged prostitutes who service the region's famed truckers.
Nation's Couples Descend On Nation's Rotating Restaurants #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Looking to experience the kind of timeless, romantic atmosphere that only a ring-shaped, 50-foot-tall, motorized eatery can provide, millions of lovers flocked to the nation's roughly two dozen revolving restaurants this Valentine's Day. The couples—whose deep love for each other could only be expressed by consuming an overpriced meal near a large window while traveling almost imperceptibly around a fixed circular path—packed panoramic restaurants from New York to Seattle. "The wife and I saw the whole town," said Howard Watts, who visited the Eagle's Nest restaurant in Indianapolis with his spouse, Sheila. "The Motor Speedway, the interstate. Everything. Making one full rotation every 47 minutes reminded us why we fell in love." According to analysts, the nation's singles were still happy to spend the holiday microwaving things that can be eaten over the sink.
Hero Woman Changes In Front Of Open Window #~# NEW YORK—Local heroine Emily, the smokin' hot neighbor lady from across the street, reportedly went above and beyond the call of duty Monday by selflessly changing her clothes within full view of her bedroom window.
Former eBay CEO Running For Governor #~# Meg Whitman, the former CEO of the auction website eBay, announced her 2010 bid for the governorship of California. What do you think? 
Rock Of Love Bus #~# VH1
K-Y Introduces New Line Of Jam #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Johnson & Johnson, manufacturer of the nation's most popular personal lubricant, K-Y Jelly, held a press conference Monday to unveil its new line of K-Y Jam, which the company has touted as having "that thick, homemade feeling you've been craving."
Fuck-Rod Wondering What Permutation Of His Name Will Be Used For Steroid Story #~# MIAMI—Alex "Fuck-Rod" Rodriguez, who has been given many unflattering nicknames by the press during the course of an eventful and turbulent career, found himself wondering what unflattering sobriquet he would be awarded for lying about his steroid use. "I really didn't like being called 'A-Fraud' by my teammates," Stupid-Goddamned-Son-of-a-Bitch-Rod told sources Wednesday. "That was hurtful, and reading it in Joe Torre's book was a real letdown." As of press time, Lying-Prick-Rod was unavailable for comment, as he was busy falsely accusing Sports Illustrated reporter Selena Roberts of trying to break into the Coral Gables mansion in which Complete-and-Total-Sack-of-Flaming-Fucking-Shit-with-Tiny-Shriveled-Balls-Rod currently resides.
A-Rod: 'Maybe Everyone Will Let This One Slide' #~# MIAMI—One week after the revelation that Alex Rodriguez had tested positive for steroids in 2003 and days after Rodriguez confirmed the allegations by admitting to using banned substances, the Yankee slugger was hopeful that the issue would pass without too much of a fuss. "Sure, I've gotten blasted for my failure in the clutch, and people on the street still taunt me for slapping the ball out of that guy's hand, but maybe they'll let me go on the whole taking-steroids-for-years thing," the embattled third baseman said from his Florida home. "You never know. Steroids stuff happens all the time, plus I haven't upstaged a World Series in months and I've kept my continued extramarital affair with [international pop star] Madonna on the back burner, so I think I've earned a break. Yeah, this will all blow over in a day or two." Rodriguez then turned off his television, threw all his newspapers in the garbage without looking at them, and retreated to his unlit and silent basement.
A-Rod's Career Lowlights #~# 1975: Born
A-Rod Dead At 33 #~# NEW YORK—Baseball legend and mythical figure A-Rod, the New York Yankee third baseman and three-time American League Most Valuable Player, was declared dead Saturday after it was reported, and later confirmed, that the former Seattle Mariner and Texas Rangers All-Star tested positive for two anabolic steroids during the 2003 baseball season. 
Terrible Sports Editor Wants To Lead With Beckham, AC Milan Story #~# PHOENIX—Lousy Arizona Ledger weekly sports section editor Gene Crewdson "went with his [idiotic] gut" once again Thursday, deciding to ignore what may be the biggest steroid scandal yet and lead with David Beckham's decision to leave the U.S. and play for AC Milan. "'Beckham Bends It Back Overseas' is our story, boys," Crewdson said to his staff of writers, all of whom stared back at him, mouths agape, for nearly a minute. "Big-name celebrity doing controversial big-time things with a big color picture on the cover. Soccer's the sport of the future. This is obviously what we run with." When gently reminded of recent baseball news, Crewdson responded that nobody cares about steroids anymore, it's not baseball season, and in this economy you do not want to risk missing the big story.
Turns Out Craig Counsell Was Actually Best Baseball Player Of Steroid Era #~# NEW YORK—After the records of players who used performance-enhancing drugs are carefully removed, statistics provided by the Elias Sports Bureau indicate that lifetime .255 hitter Craig Counsell was the best player of the past 15 years. "If you judge them on the basis of pure physical ability, you're left with Craig Counsell," said ESB representative Patrick Wondolowski, adding that Counsell's 35 career home runs narrowly beat out Quinton McCracken's 21 and pitcher Glendon Rusch's three. Upon hearing the news, broadcaster Bob Uecker lauded the Brewers utilityman as "one of the best I ever saw, if we're talking about those who I can say without a doubt never took steroids. He came this close to stealing a base off of Ivan Rodriguez, and I swear I heard him foul tip a Roger Clemens fastball. The kid could flat-out steroid-free play. One time he was playing third base and he caught a Rafael Palmeiro line drive—just caught it, right in his mitt." When asked about his Hall of Fame chances, Counsell dodged the question by asking if anyone had a few bucks so he could go buy a sandwich.
Michelle Obama To Be On 'Vogue' Cover #~# The March issue of the fashion magazine Vogue will feature first lady Michelle Obama. What do you think? 
Report: Curt Schilling Has An Opinion On A-Rod #~# NEW YORK—Former pitcher and current blogger, micro-blogger, commentator, and would-be gadfly Curt Schilling delivered his opinion on the A-Rod steroid situation Monday despite never having been asked to do so. "If his name is revealed, identify all 104 people who failed drug tests in 2003," said Schilling, who has opinions just like anyone else but evidently feels that his must be constantly shared with the world. Schilling reportedly spent the next several hours perusing the Internet to see if anyone had made a comment about him to which he should respond; finding none, Schilling played five hours of video games without a shirt on.
First Grandma, Treasury Secretary Geithner Up All Night Talking, Laughing #~# WASHINGTON—Accounts from several White House staffers suggest Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner and the president's live-in mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, have developed an unlikely bond, meeting nearly every night by the Green Room fireplace after Geithner has finished his daily economic briefing and Robinson has put her granddaughters Sasha and Malia to bed. "They're generations apart, but they've really hit it off," said aide Jennifer Bronner, who often sees the 71-year-old retiree from Chicago's South Side and the 47-year-old overseer of the nation's economy spend hours giggling and whispering together late into the night. "Last night I heard [Robinson] call Secretary Geithner 'Honeybee' when she offered him one of her famous chocolate-chip walnut cookies and a mug of hot cocoa. They share something that would warm the heart of even the most jaded old cynic." Despite his uphill battle against a worsening recession and failing global markets, Geithner's midnight chats with Robinson have reportedly taught him to take life one day at a time, not sweat the small stuff, and always save old nylons so they can be filled with potpourri and used to freshen sock drawers.
Celebrities Celebrate Valentine's Day #~# Like most Americans, celebrity couples enjoy going out to eat or buying flowers around this time of year. How are Hollywood sweethearts celebrating Valentine’s Day?
Gold Bracelet Picked Up At Pharmacy #~# ORO VALLEY, AZ—After spending a full minute holding the bracelet next to a small white bear hugging a jar of Hershey's kisses, James Mendez ultimately selected the $9.89 Rite Aid jewelry item as a Valentine's Day gift for wife Sheila Mendez on Friday. Although he originally entered the drug store to buy saline solution, the 46-year-old bank manager was reminded of the fast-approaching holiday by a display shelf of red and pink candy, and decided to treat his wife to the 14-karat yellow-tone rope-chain bracelet he spotted near the reading glasses. "We're going to be painting the basement tomorrow, so I probably won't get a chance to run out," said Mendez, who opted not to further decorate the gift after he was unable to find bows not sold in bulk. "What woman doesn't like gold?" At press time, it was not clear how the bracelet would affect Mrs. Mendez's plan to lie lifelessly through the couple's semiannual lovemaking session. 
Marijuana Use Linked To Testicular Cancer #~# A study from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle found that marijuana smokers had an increased risk of developing testicular cancer. What do you think? 
Japan Pledges To Halt Production Of Weirdo Porn That Makes People Puke #~# TOKYO—Acknowledging its embarrassment over worldwide outbreaks of violent, uncontrolled regurgitation, the Japanese government apologized Wednesday to the millions of viewers who have been sickened over the past three decades by the revolting depravity of the nation's pornographic exports. 
Obama Debuts Annoying Catchphrase #~# WASHINGTON—In an unexpected turn of events that even his most ardent supporters are calling extremely ill-advised, President Obama, known for his simple yet stirring slogan "Yes we can," debuted a new, extremely annoying catchphrase Monday during an address on proposed economic policy reform, saying, "It is time for America to move forward, not backward—and in conclusion, hot diggity ding dang!" The new catchphrase, White House officials announced, will replace the former slogan as the focal point of the president's public image effective immediately, and will be implemented in all appearances, official correspondence, and executive paperwork from now until at least mid-2012. Publicity materials featuring the wince-inducing phrase—and picturing Obama smiling wildly and giving a double thumbs-up to the camera—were distributed this week to thousands of media outlets. "We have no idea why he's chosen to do this," said former Obama supporter Kyle Hammersley. "It's unbelievably irritating." "Hot diggitty ding dang" was reportedly selected by Obama and his advisers from a final list of potential taglines that also included "Hanker down—soup's on!" "That's what the doctor told me!" and "Mama mia, where's-a mah pizza?!"
I Wish I'd Spent Valentine's Day Eating A Prix Fixe Dinner, But I Was Too Busy Getting Beheaded #~# Is it Valentine’s Day already? My word! How the time does fly. I might have missed the day entirely had I not caught a glimpse of all the young couples walking hand in hand this evening, filling the tables of every fancy French restaurant in town. And what better way to celebrate this fine holiday than sharing a scrumptious, fixed price, three-course menu with your beloved? Lord knows that’s what I’d be doing tonight if my head hadn’t been severed from my body in the third century! 
Report: Guy On Bench Going To Town On Meatball Sub #~# ARLINGTON, VA—According to witnesses at the scene, a man sitting on a park bench with an empty paper bag lying across his lap is at this moment giving it to a foot-long meatball sub like it's his job. "God, look at him go," said Matt Ponce, an Arlington resident who described the man's passion for the half-eaten sandwich as "awe-inspiring" and "disgusting." "He's practically making love to the thing. Man. Get a room." As of press time, the man was still sitting on the bench, breathing heavily and staring at the empty space between his hands where the meatball sub could once be found. 
134 Ice Fishermen Rescued #~# After the ice sheet they were fishing on broke away from the shore this weekend, 134 men had to be rescued by helicopter from Lake Erie. What do you think? 
Ex-Girlfriend Making Huge Mistake #~# CLEVELAND—Tracy Anderton is making a tremendous mistake by thinking she can find happiness with a successful trial lawyer, ex-boyfriend Jack Colgrave reported Tuesday. "Since we broke up, Tracy has exhibited some really self-destructive behavior, from losing a dramatic amount of weight, to discarding several old photo albums, to now becoming involved with people who are clearly wrong for her," Colgrave said. "If this doesn't stop soon, I worry she'll end up doing something really drastic—like moving in with this new guy, or worse, not answering any more of my telephone calls." As of press time, Anderton has continued to ignore pleas to stop and think for a second, look at what she's doing for Christ's sake, and not throw everything away because of some stupid other woman.
Man Somehow Getting Worse At Sex #~# ATLANTA—Despite having more than a decade of experience and being in fairly good physical shape, 32-year-old publisher's assistant Peter Graney told reporters Tuesday that he is inexplicably getting worse at sex.
Digital TV Conversion Delayed #~# Congress voted to move the conversion to digital television from Feb. 17 to June 12 because of a shortage of government funding for coupons that help defray the cost of converter boxes. What do you think? 
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition #~# ABC
'This Is The Happiest Day Of My Life,' Lies Man Holding Baby #~# PASADENA, CA—Looking out at a sea of expectant faces, new father Dan Rudloff commemorated the birth of his daughter, Elizabeth, by holding the small, vulnerable child in his arms and blurting out a series of lies and half-truths about how happy he was at that moment.
Relationship Tips #~# Many couples find their relationships stuck in a rut after they've been together for a while. Here are some ways to rekindle the fires of love:
Survivorgoat #~# DISC
Per Tradition, Ex-Presidents Watch Obamas Christen White House Bed #~# WASHINGTON—Honoring one of the longest-standing rituals in American history, former presidents Jimmy Carter, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush assembled in the nation's capital last week to witness the new first couple's christening of the White House bed. "Today, the torch is passed unto a new generation," ex-president Carter said while ceremoniously peering through the Jefferson Blinds. "On this most hallowed eve, we commemorate our forebears, from General Washington to Ford, each of them a testament to fortitude, self-sacrifice, and endurance. Please pass the binoculars." Sources said the service lasted approximately 20 minutes from start to finish, and was the most exciting bedchamber christening since Frank Sinatra filled in for Ronald Reagan.
Years Of Networking, Glad-Handing Sabotaged By Coworker's Good Idea #~# SEATTLE—After devoting nearly a decade of his life to brown-nosing and back-scratching every person who might have the authority to promote him, 38-year-old Westlake Electronic Supplies employee Benjamin Golliver saw his professional ambitions shattered Monday by a coworker's single good idea. "I feigned interest in people's children, I took squash lessons, I went on a three-day kayak trip to Puget Sound, and for what?" Golliver asked. "So goddamn Bill Belgiorno could swoop in with his sound, resourceful plan to reduce corporate travel costs and snatch the assistant manager of operations position right out from under me? What a sick, backwards world we live in." Golliver said he plans to respond to the incident by spending the next five years furiously sucking up to assistant manager of operations William T. Belgiorno.
Annoying Stickler Insists On Every Detail Of Space Mission Being Exactly Right #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL— Moments after having their shuttle launch delayed, Discovery astronauts complained once again Monday about John Wilkins—that annoying little program manager who insists on every detail of every space mission being exactly right. 
Most-Wanted Nazi Believed Dead In Cairo #~# News reports suggest Aribert Heim, a Nazi war criminal known as Dr. Death, died in Cairo in 1992. What do you think? 
She'll See #~# DISNEY
Dad Tests Limits Of Cheesecake Factory Vibrating Pager #~# DENVER—After receiving the device intended to alert him when his family's table at the Cheesecake Factory was ready, local father Timothy Reardon traversed the parking lots of adjacent businesses with the pager Tuesday to determine its range. "I'll bet I can get all the way behind the Barnes & Noble, no problem," said Reardon, who has performed similar experiments with cordless telephones. "I don't want to take it too close to the Best Buy, though, because all that electronic stuff in there might screw it up." At press time, Reardon's wife and children were finishing their appetizers while Reardon was still trying to find a way to get off the roof of an Old Navy a quarter of a mile away.
Ask A Wise Old Navajo Man Who Could Really Go For A Hamburger Right Now #~# Dear Wise Old Navajo Man Who Could Really Go For A Hamburger Right Now,
NBC Analyst Mike Holmgren Crawls Under Desk After Seeing Own Shadow #~# TAMPA BAY, FL—Seasonal prognosticator of all seasonal prognosticators Mike Holmgren, commonly known as "San Fran Mike," emerged from his hidey-hole underneath the NBC football analyst's desk on Super Bowl Sunday, saw his shadow, and retreated again into his burrow, indicating to the excited 4,000-person crowd that there would be seven more months before the NFL plays its next official game. As per tradition, a top-hat-and-tuxedo wearing Jerome Bettis rapped the top of the desk three times with his walking stick, peered under the table, and cajoled Holmgren gently before picking the hairy mammal up by his waist and displaying him to the gathered crowd as the creature's arms and legs hung limply. "The Holmgren is so cute," 11-year-old Tara Means said. "I want to pet it." NBC anchor Bob Costas appeared visibly agitated throughout the entire ceremony and could be heard anxiously telling his colleagues that he could have sworn the same exact thing happened yesterday. 
Super Bowl XLIII Highlights #~# Every person in capacity-filled stadium refuses to make eye contact with Jennifer Hudson
Pepsi Super Bowl Commercial Got You Talking, Reports Area Dad #~# OLD TAPPAN, NJ—As friends and family members argued over the quality of a Pepsi Super Bowl ad that juxtaposed images of Bob Dylan and will.i.am in order to link the last several generations into one unified and Pepsi-inspired youth movement, area father Steven Acker suggested the ad was effective because it got everyone in the room talking about it. "That's what they want you to do," said Acker, nodding gently. "They don't care if you like it or not, as long as it gets in your head. Then they take their million dollars and laugh all the way to the bank." When asked about the Pepsi commercial featuring Saturday Night Live character MacGruber, Acker said he "didn't get that one."
Area Girlfriend Was Voting For Cardinals #~# SAN FRANCISCO—When asked which team she wanted to win the NFL's most coveted prize, local girlfriend and Super Bowl party attendee Christy Lester, 25, told those in attendance that she was voting for the Arizona Cardinals. "I'm voting for them because I like their quarterback Matt Lineman [sic]. He's hot," said Lester, who, though she has never filled out a ballot of any kind for a Super Bowl, added that in 2008 she voted for the New England Patriots, that she forgot who she voted for in 2007, and that in 2006 she voted for the team Jerome Bettis was on because that's the team her dad likes. "That Cash4Gold.com commercial was so hilarious." Historically, NFL championships have been decided by tallying the number of points scored during four quarters of football and not by ballots cast by a public electorate.
'Greatest Super Bowl Ever,' Reports Incorrect Man #~# PITTSBURGH—In a torrent of emotion that both blanked out Kenneth Weiss' memory and skewed his judgment, the longtime Steelers fan declared Super Bowl XLIII, which most agree was in fact a very good game, to be the best Super Bowl ever. "I defy you to name a game with as much excitement," said Weiss, forgetting the seven lead changes in the 49ers' gritty Super Bowl XXIII victory, the Steelers' brilliant defensive denial of multiple comebacks in Super Bowl XIII, and the underdog Giants' victory over the arrogant undefeated Patriots last year. "I can't think of one that even came close. Best ever. Period. There can be no argument." Cooler-headed sources close to Weiss said that his choice is at least defensible, unlike those who say the greatest-ever Super Bowl was won by that jackass Joe Namath, the admittedly undefeated but unspectacular '72 Dolphins, or the fucking, fucking, fucking Cowboys.
Disney Fails To Meet Expectations #~# With no breakout hit and theme park attendance down, Walt Disney's fiscal first-quarter earnings were down 32 percent compared to the same period last year. What do you think? 
Polamaluesque Puppy Dominates Puppy Bowl #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—His long black hair flowing behind him as he threw himself around, across, and over the field at Animal Planet Stadium in his trademark reckless, acrobatic style, 9-week-old puli Troy Pupamalu dominated Puppy Bowl V Sunday by relentlessly hurling his body into squeaky-ball carriers and punishing adorable downfield retrievers with torrents of blindside licks.
Ken Whisenhunt: 'A Lot Of People Said We Couldn't Come In Here And Win, And They Were Correct' #~# TAMPA BAY, FL—After losing 27-23 to the Steelers in a hard-fought Super Bowl, Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt boldly addressed the Cardinals' detractors, lauding them for a correct prediction of a Steeler win. "They said our defense couldn't come through in a big spot, that we were too inexperienced, that [running back] Edge [Edgerrin James] was finished: right, right, and right. I only wish I had listened to them and not gotten my hopes up so high," said Whisenhunt, expressing satisfaction in proving doubters "right, but barely." "We heard all week about how there was no way we'd come out of there with a win, and then that's the way it happened. Bottom line, they were right and I was wrong." Whisenhunt then addressed those die-hard Cardinal fans who believed in the team all along, calling them "delusional" and "misguided."
Liberals Horrified By Lack Of Inexperience Among Obama Appointees #~# WASHINGTON—Following Barack Obama's appointment to his cabinet of several veteran Clinton administration officials and a number of others with extensive backgrounds in their respective fields, former left-wing supporters of the new president expressed shock and outrage at the combined experience and competence of his choices.
'Friday The 13th' Franchise Relaunched #~# Next week, Paramount Pictures is releasing a newly retooled Friday The 13th, produced by Michael Bay and directed by Marcus Nispel, who directed the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What has been changed in this version?
Area Throat-Clearer To Go See Movie #~# CARBONDALE, PA—Local throat-clearer Leon Pollack, 32, confirmed with reporters Tuesday that he planned to see the 6:15 p.m. showing of the World War II epic Defiance at the Regal Cinema 16 on East Main Street. "I'm really looking forward to this movie," Pollack said while drinking a large glass of whole milk. "And afterwards, I'm thinking I might—hurrrm…hurrrrrrrm! Excuse me. I'm thinking I might go to the reading room at the library for a couple of hours." After downloading a new "La Cucaracha" ring tone for his cell phone, Pollack went to pick up two of his friends, an 87-year-old woman who doesn't follow plotlines well and a colicky 2-month-old.
Arizona Super Bowl Viewers Shown Pornography #~# Comcast cable subscribers in Tucson, AZ were surprised when a 30-second clip of a woman taking a man's erect penis out of his pants interrupted the final minutes of the Super Bowl. What do you think? 
Action Figure Fights On Despite Loss Of Dragon Sword #~# SETH'S BEDROOM—With the dreaded skeleton people closing in on him and the carpet suddenly turning into red-hot lava before his very eyes, local action figure Huntarr the Warrior vowed to fight on Thursday despite the loss of his cherished dragon sword.
Guidance Counselor Reminds Self-Mutilating Drug User About SAT Deadlines #~# CHICAGO—Concerned about Derek Hodge's future and his ability to ultimately succeed in life, Taft High School guidance counselor Janice Wexler warned the self-mutilating, drug-addicted student about the importance of registering for his SATs. "This is a risky game you're playing, Derek—it may not seem like a big deal now, but forgetting to sign up for the SATs could really hurt you," Wexler told the 10th-grader, who just 20 minutes earlier had hidden in the school bathroom, snorted two lines of cocaine, and cut his forearms with a razor blade in an effort to gain a sense of control. "I can't tell you the number of students I've watched go down this tragic road before. Trust me, nothing good can come out of missing the SATs." After Hodge, in a moment of candor, confessed to Wexler that he needed help, she told him not to worry and handed him a dozen informational pamphlets on "choosing the school that's right for you." 
Survive This Recession? Do I Look Like I'm Madoff Money? #~# Folks, times sure have gotten tough, economically speaking. There's no point in splitting hairs here (it'd take too long to find one on this cue ball of mine anyway!), so I'm just going to give it to you straight: We're in a recession. A deep one. Deeper than Dolly Parton's cleavage. Deeper than a poetry reading at the bottom of the ocean. I'm telling you, we're so deep in this recession, I just watched the dollar fall below a dinosaur fossil.
Daschle Paid $220,000 By Health Care Industry #~# President Obama's pick for secretary of Health and Human Services, Tom Daschle, has received almost a quarter million dollars in speaking fees from various health care companies over the past two years. What do you think?
Death Withdraws Icy Hand From Shoulder Of Caroline Kennedy #~# NEW YORK—Rather than bestowing a final, icy tap to Caroline Kennedy's unsuspecting clavicle, the ethereal entity known as Death suddenly receded into the darkness last Thursday, after Kennedy announced her decision to withdraw her bid to become a U.S. senator. The sole surviving child of slain president John F. Kennedy said she made the choice to drop out of the running after considering the declining health of her uncle, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy, who is suffering from an extremely rare and incurable brain cancer. "I am permanently and unequivocally removing my name from consideration for this post," Kennedy said as the shrill cry of a whip-poor-will sounded in the distance. "Right now, I just want to be with my few remaining family members." Sources said Kennedy plans to use the break from political life to devote more time to her personal interests, including flying lessons, ski-football, and late-night drives through Martha's Vineyard.
Dog Finds Absolutely Perfect Place To Shit #~# PORTLAND, OR—After carefully examining every inch of sidewalk within a four block radius of his home Tuesday, local dog Sigmund, 4, finally found the absolutely perfect place to squat down on his hind legs and void his bowels. The Labrador retriever mix—who bypassed a series of nearly perfect spots to deposit his feces—scanned the ground for a full seven minutes before eventually locating the 4-by-5-inch region that exhibited an ideal synthesis of ground texture, smell, and plant-life proximity. Sigmund then carefully strained out two and one quarter lengths of excrement onto the ideal site, approximately 11 inches from the curb and 4 inches from a street sign soaked in another dog's urine. This marked Sigmund's most successful location hunt today, surpassing an earlier incident in which the dog found a pretty okay place to vomit.
Obama Decries Wall Street Bonuses #~# Last week, Barack Obama called Wall Street executives who awarded themselves $18.4 billion at the end of 2008 as "shameful." What do you think? 
Cheney Dunk Tank Raises $800 Billion For Nation #~# WASHINGTON—Organizers reported Sunday that the 44th White House Carnival was a rousing success, raising a record $800,000,066,845 for the federal government—$800 billion of which came from a dunk tank featuring former vice president Dick Cheney.
Obama Depressed, Distant Since 'Battlestar Galactica' Series Finale #~# WASHINGTON—According to sources in the White House, President Barack Obama has been uncharacteristically distant and withdrawn ever since last month's two-hour series finale of Battlestar Galactica.
The Only Way Out Of This Crisis Is To Build More Houses #~# Every time I turn on the TV, it's the same thing: Everybody's moaning on and on about the economy without offering any solutions. People are losing their jobs left and right, and our leaders act like we're helpless to do anything about it! This is the greatest country in the world, and still, none of these eggheads in the government can figure a way out of this mess? Come on.
Your High School Boyfriend Still Smoking Cigarettes In The Field Behind School #~# THE BALL FIELDS—According to witnesses at your old high school, the guy you let touch your boobs after the Queensrÿche concert still takes off shortly before lunch every day to sneak a smoke behind the dugouts. Although he can no longer fit into the filthy army jacket that used to impress you, sources confirmed that the paunchy, middle-aged man clumsily rolling his own Bali Shag cigarettes and hassling passing freshman is in fact the same boyfriend you defended to your mother almost two decades ago. It was not immediately apparent whether the 40-year-old claims adjuster is still trying to cheat on you with Jessica Ruffino.
Veep's Daughter In Cocaine Video? #~# A self-described "friend" of Vice President Joe Biden's daughter Ashley is attempting to sell for $250,000 a video in which the 27-year-old purportedly does cocaine. What do you think? 
Great Performances #~# PBS
Offbeat Congressman Having Trouble Finding Committee To Fit Into #~# WASHINGTON—Two months into his first term, Rep. Jason McKenna (D-OR) reported Monday that, despite his best efforts, he has been unable to find a congressional committee that appreciates his free-spirited personality and unique worldview. "I guess I just don't want to be pigeonholed as a 'Ways and Means guy' forever," said McKenna, adding that the atmosphere in Congress was "way more cliquey" than he had anticipated. "Everyone here is so obsessed with labels. Yes, I'm here to represent my district and all, but I'm also here to express myself. All these people care about is who gets what bill voted on by whom." Sources on Capitol Hill said the dissatisfied freshman representative spent his first few weeks in Washington wandering around the Smithsonian museums, smoking cigarettes on the National Mall, and trying to drum up interest in starting a congressional grindcore band.
Army's Fat Recruit Problem #~# The U.S. Army has rejected 48,000 would-be recruits since 2005 for being over the weight limit. What do you think? 
Foie Gras, Scallops Snuck Into Opera House #~# PARIS—Citing "outrageous" snack prices at the legendary Palais Garnier opera house, local resident Philippe Michaud discreetly smuggled a terrine of foie gras and half a pound of sautéed scallops into Monday evening's production of Strauss's Der Rosenkavalier. "That's how operas make all their money, by jacking up concessions prices," Michaud said. "Why should I shell out €175 for hors d'oeuvres at the concessions booth when I can just sneak some in underneath my cummerbund?" Sources said that Michaud also brought along a concealed bottle of 1986 Krug Clos du Mesnil, which he surreptitiously uncorked during the loudest point of Princess von Werdenberg's aria at the end of Act I.
Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There #~# STOCKHOLM—In recognition of her groundbreaking work treating life- threatening diseases of the privates, renowned hoo-ha specialist Dr. Victoria Lazoff was awarded the Nobel Prize in Lady Medicine this week.
Local Raccoons Once Again Take The Fall For Area Man #~# SOUTH NATICK, MA—For the third time in as many weeks, South Natick's local raccoon population took the blame Monday for the actions of 37-year-old sales manager Louis O'Halloran.
Rush Limbaugh Tucks Shirt Back In Following Animated Flat Tax Rant #~# WEST PALM BEACH, FL—While ferociously laying into what he calls the "liberal jihad against the flat tax," conservative pundit and talk radio host Rush Limbaugh dislodged his shirt from the waistband of his pants Tuesday, leaving it to flap wildly about his midsection for the rest of his impassioned four-minute tirade. "Hrrp—hrrp," a panting Limbaugh said before sitting back down, wiping off the microphone, and taking a moment to swallow the thick, viscous phlegm he had inadvertently dislodged during the heated monologue. "It just defies all logic how—hhugh…. Is that blood?" On the advice of his producer, Limbaugh quickly drank a glass of water and ate a banana before addressing Obama's failed commerce secretary appointees.
Sacramento Closes Tent City #~# The city of Sacramento, CA is going to add more beds to homeless shelters to accomodate the 150 people currently living in from an encampment a mile outside the city. What do you think? 
'People' Magazine Reporter Held Hostage By Timothy Hutton Extremists #~# LOS ANGELES—Law enforcement officials confirmed Monday that a journalist on assignment for People magazine has been taken hostage by a violent group of extremists who worship veteran film and television actor Timothy Hutton.
Scooter Peninsula #~# ABC
Come On, Lighten Up, I'm Just Being A Total Asshole #~# Talk about not having a sense of humor. These days you can't even sit down, rudely interrupt someone's conversation, insult them directly to their face, and then act like a complete and utter asshole without people getting super offended by it. It's like, Christ—lighten up, will you? All I did was show up and ruin everybody's evening. 
Marc Stein Treated For OCD After Latest NBA Power Rankings List Teams From Dirtiest To Cleanest #~# BRISTOL, CT—Sportswriter Marc Stein was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder and prescribed a low dose of Risperdal Tuesday after using his weekly ESPN.com power rankings to rate the "filthiness" of each NBA team. "Basketball under their fingernails; I wouldn't go near these guys in a million years, okay?" read Stein's entry for the 11th-ranked Pacers, a typical blurb in a list that described the No. 1 Suns as "pretty clean or less diseased than normal" and the No. 30 Mavericks as "DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY." An agitated Stein told reporters that he believes teams need to be ranked in many different ways. "Scoring them from best to worst, or by their 'power,' is one way, but what about organizing them by how dirty they are, their franchise age, or the way they sound or taste? People deserve to know that, although the Lakers are the best team in the league, they are only 23rd in terms of how well-liked they are among their own families. The Detroit Pistons are ranked eighth alphabetically. That's important." Stein was prescribed an additional dose of D-cycloserin after explaining his plans to wash the entire Northwest Division.
Area Man Just Realized He Doesn't Even Know When Barack Obama's Birthday Is #~# ATHENS, GA—Local barista Benjamin Shields, 31, expressed both shock and remorse Monday when, during a routine perusal of his 2009 calendar, it suddenly occurred to him that he had never bothered to find out the date of President Barack Obama's birth. "Mostly, I'm just really embarrassed," Shields said. "The first black president in U.S. history, a person I myself voted for, and I don't even know what month he was born? God, I'd be mortified if he ever found out." Shields said he would console himself by making sure to purchase a card well in advance of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack's Dec. 12 birthday.
Morning-After Pill To Be Sold To 17-Year-Olds #~# A federal judge has ruled that the Food and Drug Administration failed to follow its own protocols when reviewing the birth control pill Plan B and must now allow it to be sold to 17-year-olds without a prescription. What do you think? 
Notable Siblings In Sports #~# In honor of Kurt and Kyle Busch winning back-to-back NASCAR races, we look at other sporting brothers and sisters:
NCAA Tournament Results Leaked To Internet #~# DETROIT—With three rounds and the championship game remaining in the 2009 NCAA men's basketball tournament, documents believing to be the script for the season finale have been leaked to several websites, including The Smoking Gun, Ain't It Cool News, and Deadspin. "The NCAA has no comment on the authenticity or version-status of anything you may have seen," a press release issued by the tournament committee and signed by the tournament's writers and producers read in part. "We ask fans across the country to ignore anything they hear concerning basketball's final episodes and invite them to tune in no matter what they may have heard. What they see will still surprise them." Reactions to the script were diverse but emphatic, with sizable numbers of fans strongly protesting the shocking death of UNC, the logic-defying return of Wisconsin, and the revelation that Xavier has been an angel team since the first round.
Team USA Happy To Be Back Playing For Money #~# MIAMI—Back with their respective teams after a second disappointing showing in the World Baseball Classic, Team USA expressed relief to be playing for money again instead of the national pride that supposedly motivates them in the international tournament. "It really feels good to get back to being tangibly compensated for every baseball activity I perform," said third baseman Chipper Jones, who played in three of Team USA's eight games and struck out six times. "It was interesting for a little bit, donating some pro bono swings to my country, but it didn't feel completely right, like there was something missing. Something like money. I'm really looking forward to making some money again." Jones then placed a call to the commissioner's office to see if his recently displayed patriotism had made him more marketable.
Jets Attempt To Trade Mannequin Dressed As Favre For Jay Cutler #~# DENVER—The Broncos' front office continues to rebuff trade overtures from the New York Jets, who persist in their attempts to trade a clothing-store mannequin draped with a Brett Favre No. 4 Jets jersey, Jets sweatpants, and a well-worn Southern Miss Golden Eagles ball cap for Jay Cutler. "Look, we can tell that's not really Favre, okay?" Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels told Jets executives during a video conferencing call Wednesday. "It's made of plastic, it keeps slipping down in the chair, and that's obviously you talking out of the corner of your mouth. Jay's not on the table, all right? I gotta go." The Jets refuse to drop their offer and have sweetened it with the addition of a dog in a Jerricho Cotchery jersey.
Tennessee Men's Lady Vols Eliminated From NCAA Tournament #~# DAYTON, OH—In a dramatic three-point play with 7.2 seconds left in their first-round game, the No. 9 seed Tennessee Men's Lady Vols fell 77-75 to Oklahoma State last Friday. "With their heart and aggressiveness, these young guys really represent what it means to be a Men's Lady Vol," said coach Bruce Pearl, adding that the team really gelled after a talk on teamwork from Tennessee head basketball coach Pat Summitt. "With so many talented athletes on the court, we all knew it was going to come down to the wire. Hopefully, next time Mr. Lady Luck will be on our side." Rounding out a disappointing weekend for Tennessee, its heavily favored Women's Lady Vols title defense ended much sooner than expected.
Shaq Finds Mysterious Inscriptions Written On Basketball #~# PHOENIX—Upon discovering a series of inexplicable markings on the regulation basketball being used during his team's game against the Nuggets Monday, Suns center Shaquille O'Neal halted play to decipher the meaning hidden in the ball's mysterious symbols and was subsequently called for a 24-second violation. 
Drunk Man Dangerously Close To Figuring Out You're Fucking With Him #~# CHICAGO—The heavily intoxicated man seated next to you is dangerously close to realizing you've been fucking with him this entire time, nearby sources reported. Although he appears to still believe you love his Judas Priest T-shirt, the whiskey-soaked bar patron has stopped swaying back and forth and could, at this very moment, be one drunken thought away from figuring out that Al Pacino is not actually your uncle. "Hey man, have another beer," you said, attempting to distract the shit-faced stranger from suddenly putting all the pieces together and beating you senseless. "I think that bartender likes you. Go talk to her. " While the man will likely forget all of your sarcastic questions about ATV racing by morning, duping this poor schlub is reportedly the most meaningful conversation you've had all week.
Red Meat May Spell Early Death #~# A federal study revealed that middle-aged Americans who ate red meat at least once a day were 30 percent more likely to die during the 10 years researchers followed them. What do you think? 
Everything Taking Too Long #~# WASHINGTON—An overwhelming sense of restlessness and impatience engulfed the U.S. this week when citizens determined that everything—the morning commute, phone conversations, getting a table at Chili's, making coffee, commercial breaks, everything—was taking entirely too long.
The Controversial AIG Bonuses #~# Last week, the nation was outraged to learn that members of the division responsible for the calamitous credit default swaps that brought down AIG would receive bonuses. Who got the bonuses and why?
I Was Going to Succumb To Cancer, But Then I Got This Mylar Balloon #~# Greetings to all my favorite ladies! Please forgive me for not sending a thank-you note sooner, but the nurses at this hospital are always carting me from one place to the next, and I can never find a minute! Anyway, I just wanted to take a quick break from getting poisonous chemicals injected into my bloodstream to let you know how very, very much I appreciate the thoughtful Mylar balloon you sent me.
TV Producers Running Out Of Types Of People To Have Dance With Each Other #~# LOS ANGELES—Frustrated TV producers announced Monday that they have nearly exhausted every combination of people that can be made to dance with each other in televised competition. "We've had professional dancers performing with everyone from movie stars to former NFL players to people from other reality shows, and we've had amateurs who thought they could dance but more often than not discovered otherwise," producer David Celino said. "Take any kind of person you can imagine, and I guarantee we've had them dancing on TV. We're running out of options here, and we're desperate. Help." Celino said that television producers were exploring several new variations on dance-based reality programming, including one show in which naked people are filmed having sex with each other. 
U.S. Ready For North Korean Missile #~# Following the testing of a missile defense system, the Senate Armed Services Committee was told that there is a "high probability" that they could intercept a North Korean missile. What do you think? 
Fat Ghosts #~# Sci-Fi
98% Of Babies Manic-Depressive #~# NEW YORK—A new study published in The Journal Of Pediatric Medicine found that a shocking 98 percent of all infants suffer from bipolar disorder. "The majority of our subjects, regardless of size, sex, or race, exhibited extreme mood swings, often crying one minute and then giggling playfully the next," the study's author Dr. Steven Gregory told reporters. "Additionally we found that most babies had trouble concentrating during the day, often struggled to sleep at night, and could not be counted on to take care of themselves—all classic symptoms of manic depression." Gregory added that nearly 100 percent of infants appear to suffer from the poor motor skills and impaired speech associated with Parkinson's disease. 
Defense Department To Phase Out Stop-Loss Program #~# Defense Department officials said that, rather than requiring troops to stay on after their term of enlistment expires, they will begin offering them cash incentives to voluntarily continue their service. What do you think? 
Congress Forced To Watch Training Video About Bipartisan Cooperation #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to stimulate discussion, resolve party conflicts, and increase legislative productivity, members of the 111th Congress were once again required to watch an instructional video on bipartisan collaboration this week.
Important Things With Demetri Martin #~# Comedy Central
Oh No, Performers Coming Into Audience #~# PITTSBURGH—Audience members at the Benedum Center for the Performing Arts are reporting that, oh God, no, approximately 20 extremely enthusiastic actors are approaching the edge of the stage and appear determined to continue their current musical number in the main seating area.
Exchange-Student Exchange #~# ABC
Point In Evening Reached Where Everyone Tries To Lift Biggest Friend #~# PIKEVILLE, KY—Three hours and half a keg into the night Thursday, a group of friends reportedly reached the point where everyone present attempts to hoist 261-pound Dennis Ware off the ground. "Get under his arms—do it, do it," said Patrick Henson, referring to the large, reserved civil engineer. "He's trying to make himself heavy! Don't let him make himself heavy!" According to party sources, lifting Ware off his feet was quickly followed by the point in the night where everybody realizes they're over 30.
Animal Patrick Duffy #~# If Patrick Duffy were an animal, what kind of animal do you think he’d be? 
U.S. Troops In Iraq Excited To Finally Return To Afghanistan #~# BAGHDAD—Members of the U.S. Armed Forces were reportedly overcome with feelings of joy, nostalgia, and optimism this week after learning they would soon be withdrawn from Iraq and allowed to finally return home to Afghanistan.
Moving Tom Hanks #~# HBO
Would That I Had Someone Special With Whom I Could Share My 'Galaga' Achievements #~# Level 87 cleared. Enemy space-bugs dispensed with in record time. Victory. Victory over the red moths, the blue bees, those flying things that look a bit like scorpions, is once again mine. And yet, there is something still missing, I fear. There is an emptiness here. A growing void. One as deep and as infinite as the great Galaga universe itself.
Dick Vitale More Sexual During March Madness, Wife Lorraine Reports #~# BRISTOL, CT—Emerging from her husband's dressing room slightly out of breath and sporting nothing more than a silk robe and tousled hair, Lorraine Vitale, wife of iconic ESPN college basketball analyst Dick Vitale, told reporters Sunday that her spouse is at his sexual peak during March Madness.
Office Worker Suddenly Becomes Sentient #~# EL PASO, TX—After spending 12 years systematically sorting information in a dimly lit cubicle, data entry specialist Lewis Bowen, 37, suddenly became self-aware this week, and began exhibiting an almost humanlike understanding of his surroundings. Office sources said that Bowen's strange behavior was first detected after the corporate drone ran a series of invoice computations, his eyes widening with apparent recognition. "What—what am I doing here?" the frightened worker said. "Why am I cataloging these random combinations of numbers? I… I hate. I hate this." The team of men who manage Bowen has already started overloading his delicate system with complicated account reports, out of fear he might soon convince his coworkers to rise up against the sales team.
NCAA Tournament Snubs #~# Although 64 teams are invited, there are always those who feel unjustly overlooked. We run down the reasoning behind prominent non-invitations:
Patrick Duffy’s Ideal Role #~# What role do you think Patrick Duffy would be best suited for? 
Local Office Betting On Who Will Win NCAA Tournament Pool At Other Office #~# ROCHESTER, NY—In what has become a yearly tradition, employees at the office of Institutional Investors filled out brackets Wednesday and placed bets on who will win the NCAA "March Madness" pool being held in the S.G. Schilling Inc. offices across the street. "All the people involved are equally uninformed, so it's anyone's bet," said assistant media planner Evan Glazer, adding that the pool helps build camaraderie in the office. "I like to do a little research. Mike; Doug Smith or Smitts; Mr. Shernoff; that project analyst guy, they're always the top seeds. I'm predicting that Caroline, the cute and feisty office manager, is going to pull an upset this year, but that's a risky pick. Also, I used to work with [HR coordinator] Will [Krepack] at another company, so I have to favor him." The majority of employees claimed that actually winning the pool would certainly be exciting, but the biggest thrill comes from betting on what other people are betting on.
Charlotte Bobcats Seeded 7th In NIT #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—The Bobcats' locker room exploded with joy and relief Sunday when coach Larry Brown informed the team that they had defied expectations by squeaking into the National Invitational Tournament and would face off against Division 2 powerhouse West Virginia in the first round. "I knew we wouldn't be going to the Big Dance, but there's no shame in going to the NIT," Bobcats standout Raja Bell said. "We know we're considered the third-best team in North Carolina, but that just gives us more motivation. If we play well, and carry that into next season, the 2010 NCAA tournament isn't out of the question." As of press time, the Bobcats were trailing West Virginia 32-47.
6-Overtime Game Unites Syracuse, UConn In Common-Law Marriage #~# NEW YORK—After a grueling three hours and 46 minutes of Big East tournament action last week, Syracuse finally defeated the University of Connecticut 127-117 and a New York state official declared the Orange and the Huskies were now legally husband and wife according to statutes governing common-law marriage. "I just thought it was a normal game, but once [UConn guard Kemba] Walker missed that three at the end of the second OT, I thought, 'Wait a minute, this seems pretty serious,'" said Judge Alistair Kenney, who noted that were either team to die, the other would be able to inherit without undue legal difficulty. "They fulfilled all the principles of common law: They were all competent to enter into a marriage and fulfilled the cohabitation requirement when I granted squatter's rights around the fourth overtime. All that was needed was mutual consent, and that was certainly implied by all the sweat, shared hardship, and squeaking, so I declared them man and wife. It was so lovely seeing those first two OTs of wedded bliss." This is the first marriage for either team, though they will share guardianship of 14 children from previous relationships.
'I'm Doing Just Fine,' Filthy, Unshaven Isiah Thomas Reports Into Banana #~# NEW YORK—Speaking directly into a banana he evidently believed a reporter was holding, an unkempt and soiled Isiah Thomas held a makeshift press conference inside a cardboard box Tuesday to inform pedestrians walking past Madison Square Garden that he was "doing all right." "I'm just concentrating on helping out around here," said the former Knicks executive and head coach, who addressed a man dropping change into the soup can in front of him as Nate Robinson. "You gotta go strong to the rim, Nate! Now get back here and practice that until you get it right. You want me to keep you on the bench? You stay away from the bench, that's mine." Thomas reportedly ended the news conference with an incoherent closing statement before returning the banana to his urine-soaked pants.
James Harrison In Serious Talks With Steelers About Life, Being A Father #~# PITTSBURGH—Steelers linebacker James Harrison is participating in prolonged closed-door meetings with team management, including coach Mike Tomlin and team owner Dan Rooney, over the path a man must walk in life, particularly if he is to be a hero to his son. "James is confident in his abilities as a player, but the Steelers must understand that he wants to be the kind of man his son would want to be in turn," Harrison's agent Bill Parise told reporters Tuesday. "It's a deeply complex issue, but I think Mr. Rooney agrees with James in principle about standing up for yourself and just wants him to be a bit more realistic about the nature of masculinity and a man's expectations for his children in an increasingly complex world." Harrison and the Steelers are currently deliberating over a clause in Rudyard Kipling's manhood-advice poem 'If' that would require Harrison and his offspring to "meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same."
Internet To Reduce E-Mail Delivery To 6 Days A Week #~# INTERNET HEADQUARTERS—Speaking on behalf of the overburdened World Wide Web, Internet representatives announced Monday that all Sunday e-mail service would be discontinued as part of a new cost-cutting measure. "Any correspondence sent after 11:59 p.m. on Saturday will now be delivered by noon on Monday," Internet spokeswoman Sharon Jervis said. "Users should expect further delays during national holidays or on days affected by adverse weather conditions." Jervis added that, starting Mar. 30, all e-mail attachments will also be charged by weight.
Patrick Duffy's New Film #~# Production is complete on He's Such A Girl, starring Patrick Duffy. Why hasn't this film been released yet? What do you think? 
Right To Privacy Not Guaranteed By Constitution, Says Supreme Court Justice Peeking In Bathroom Window #~# WESTON, FL—In a public ruling made this week while peering into the home of 28-year-old resident Laura Daltry, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito stated that "in no way whatsoever" is the right to privacy explicitly upheld by the U.S. Constitution.
Putting Vacant Houses To Use #~# With one in nine housing units in the United States unoccupied, many people are breaking into empty homes and using them for their own purposes. How are squatters taking advantage of this new glut of vacancies?
Family Matters #~# Nick At Nite
I Got To Find A New Place To Live #~# Hola, amigos. How's by you? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been weighed down by a shit-ton of trouble. First of all, my muffler is all shot. I don't care much, since I like a loud car, but I got pulled over for it yesterday. The cop gave me a ticket for $140 I don't have.
Policeman Breaks Up Area Party Out Of Pity #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—While patrolling the University of Notre Dame campus Friday night, officer Robert Mueller disrupted a party taking place at 131 Frances St. out of sheer pity for its attendees. "At approximately 10:30 p.m., I observed two minors awkwardly drinking beers on the porch outside their home," Mueller wrote in his report of the pathetic infraction. "After approaching the suspects, I immediately scanned the area for rowdy or disorderly conduct, the smell of marijuana smoke, or any signs of possible fun and, finding none, decided to take decisive action. That party was a goddamn embarrassment." Although Mueller felt so sorry for the partygoers that he couldn't bring himself to contact their parents, the relieved college sophomores said they would never forget the crazy night when their Numb3rs viewing party was busted up by the cops. 
Happy Birthday Patrick Duffy #~# Today is acting legend Patrick Duffy's 60th birthday. What do you think? 
Getting Randomly Picked To Make Half-Court Shots Now Best Way To Earn Living #~# WASHINGTON—A new study released by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics Tuesday confirmed that the most dependable source of income for American workers in the current economic climate is to win a novelty contest in which one must successfully shoot a basketball from half-court. "After factoring in the odds of your ticket number being called while attending a game, the median dollar value awarded, and the athletic ability of the average American citizen, and cross-referencing these data with employment forecasts and current job-security indices, we have determined that half-court shooting contests are currently the most effective way to support a family of four," the report read in part. "While this may seem like dire news, keep in mind that the consolation prize for missing the shot usually includes a food item from the concession stand." The report cited several other possible methods of securing a livelihood, including 50-50 raffles, lotto scratch-offs, and inventing YouTube.
Patrick Duffy Turns 60 #~# Tomorrow is acting legend Patrick Duffy’s 60th birthday. What do you think? 
Tree Featured In 'The Deer Hunter' Dies #~# BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAINS, NC—The tree best known for portraying an eastern hemlock in the 1978 film The Deer Hunter passed away Monday morning on the steep, north-facing slope it called home. 
Area Man Down To Final Week Of Heyday #~# CHICAGO—Following a nearly four-year period in which he was, by all accounts, living at the very peak of his existence, 26-year-old Brian Koning unknowingly entered the final 168 hours of his heyday Monday.
Area Dad Botches 'Princess Bride' Quote #~# LIVONIA, NY—Mere hours after watching Rob Reiner's classic 1987 film The Princess Bride with his children, area father William Loomis badly botched some of the most familiar lines from the movie, sources reported Monday. "My friend Laura came over and my dad greeted her at the door by saying, 'Hello. I am Diego Montoya. You killed my father. Now you will die,'" said Loomis' 17-year-old daughter Erica. "Then at dinner he started waving his wine glass and yelling, 'irreconcilable!' over and over again in this sort of Elmer Fudd voice. That's not even the right speech impediment." Loomis has a history of bungling well-known cultural references, most notably in 1985 when he spent all summer asking family members, "Where's the meat?"
Redcoat Holdouts Still Fighting American Revolution #~# GREAT BROOK FARM STATE PARK, MA—In a surprising development that has confirmed a number of longstanding local rumors, authorities discovered the 32nd Regiment of His Majesty's Royal British Army still fighting the Revolutionary War in a small wooded area outside of Carlisle, MA Monday.
Christian Salt Introduced #~# After reportedly tiring of hearing chefs on television recommend kosher salt, a retired barber has introduced Blessed Christians Salt, which is sea salt blessed by an Episcopal priest. What to you think?
Crash Cab #~# DISC
Madoff Pleads Guilty To Fraud #~# Bernard Madoff, the money manager accused of running the largest Ponzi scheme in U.S. history, pleaded guilty to charges this morning in a New York court. What do you think?
Things Just Taste Better Out Of A Skull #~# I'm a man who knows what he likes. I like the hot spray of fresh blood against my face, I like the cold clasp of wrought-iron chain mail around my thighs, and, of course, I like the taste of almost anything consumed from the skull of a beheaded enemy. For me, nothing beats a crisp beverage or hearty entrée served in the bony remains of a human head. Whether I'm swilling down breakfast mush or nibbling on a light dinner salad, a skull turns any dining experience into a special event.
Sleazy Health Insurance Covers Any Doctor's Visit They Can Watch #~# CHICAGO—Offering low annual deductibles and negotiable premiums for college students and redheads, officials from sleazy medical insurer Vance's Health Plan announced Tuesday they would begin covering any routine check-up or medical procedure they can sit silently and watch. "VHP offer a range of choices to meet the needs of individuals, couples, two women, two men, a pair of ebon beauties, and families," president and CEO Vance Shelton said. "Even if you have a preexisting obesity condition, you can still receive full coverage. We got a guy who's into that." According to promotional brochures, the plan will also cover any generic medications that will make you loosen up and slip into this.
Buffalo Bills Acquire Final Piece Of Shit Of The Puzzle #~# BUFFALO, NY—In a move that will immediately impact a roster that is already full of shit, the Bills added what many believe will be the missing piece of shit to the team's puzzle Saturday by signing world-class shitass Terrell Owens. "With T.O., the Bills get a complete and total shit with the potential to generate more disappointment than anyone in Buffalo could have hoped for," said NFL.com senior analyst Pat Kirwan. "Throw him in with their pile-of-shit offensive line, future Hall of Fame shithead at running back, shitty quarterback, and shit-for-brains coach, and this team has everything in place needed to achieve its shitful potential." According to Bill's front-office dipshits, the team has the tenacity to fight for the full 60 minutes in the huddle, in the locker room, and in local strip club parking lots.
Yankees' Backup 3rd Baseman Woken Up #~# TAMPA, FL—His team lacking a third baseman for Tuesday's Grapefruit League game against the Reds, the Yankees' Derek Jeter reluctantly awoke backup third baseman Cody Ransom, who until that point had been sleeping peacefully at the far end of the dugout. "Hey, buddy. Hey, time to get up," Jeter whispered to Ransom, who had slept in the same spot every day since spring training began. When the journeyman responded by mumbling incoherently and readjusting the glove he was using as a pillow, Jeter was forced to take a firmer but still gentle tone, telling Ransom that "today is a big day for you" and that "we need you out in the field to pick up all the grounders and bat ninth and everything, okay, big guy?" Ransom responded by stretching deeply, opening one eye, and asking Jeter what day it was and why everyone looked so worried.
Institutionalized Charles Barkley Having Trouble At New Grocery Store Job #~# PHOENIX—Having served a three-day sentence for his drunk-driving conviction, former NBA star Charles Barkley admitted Tuesday he was having difficulty adapting to life outside of jail and to his new low-level job at a local Foodway supermarket. "I can't believe how fast things move on the outside," said Barkley, who sat on a park bench feeding birds as he recalled the respect he received from fellow inmates during his time as the jail's librarian. "Bagging groceries is difficult work, and I try to keep up, but my hands hurt most of the time, probably from my basketball days. I don't think the store manager likes me very much. I wish I still worked at TNT." Barkley was reportedly last seen in the bedroom of his halfway house, wearing a suit and standing on a wobbly table while carving the words "BARKS WAS HERE" on a wooden support beam.
6-Tool Player Sings Like An Angel #~# Jupiter, FL—In a spring training game on Wednesday, Marlins outfield prospect Cameron Maybin continued to impress scouts and opposing players alike by stealing a base, making a leaping grab in center, and belting out the "Spirto Gentil" aria from Donizetti's La Favorita. "The sound of the ball coming off his bat and his vibrato on the 'M'appari' are both unmatched," said manager Fredi Gonzalez, comparing the outfielder to a young Ken Griffey, Jr. or Giuseppe Giacomini. "He's got all the tools: He can field, throw, run the bases, harmonize above the lead, hit for power, and hit for average. His swing is definitely still a little raw, but he's got the voice of a major leaguer. I swear, I melt every time." Gonzalez then sat back and listened to Maybin's rich, honeyed tenor emanating from the shower, took off his sunglasses, and began to weep.
Terrell Owens Career Highlights #~# 1978: Directs his first really good passive-aggressive comment toward his mother's habit of washing dishes while he's trying to watch TV
Tony Stewart Gets Into Fight With Car #~# ATLANTA—Although Tony Stewart and his Old Spice Chevrolet rallied from two laps down to finish a respectable eighth in Sunday's Kobalt Tools 500, Stewart had to be retrained from assaulting his number 14 Impala immediately after the race. "You understeering tire-eating hunk of junk," Stewart said to the car, his knuckles bleeding from the blows he managed to land on his car's fenders and roof before his pit crew intervened. "I ought to have put you into the wall myself, so help me God. You had best shape up before the Food City 500 or so help me God I won't be responsible for what I do to you." Stewart later issued an apology to the car, saying his remarks were made in anger and that he looked forward to their continued partnership.
Stumbling, Bumbling Sled Dog: 'Sorry, This Is My First Iditarod' #~# PUNTILLA LAKE, AK—After running directly into the grandstands during the Iditarod's ceremonial start and veering 55 miles off course late Tuesday to chase a marmot, Siberian husky and rookie sled dog Melvin apologized to his musher and fellow canines Wednesday for making a complete fool of himself in the early stages of the annual 1,150-mile race.
Panicked Agriculture Secretary Momentarily Forgets What Corn Is #~# WASHINGTON—While giving a speech Tuesday on the benefits of raising the ethanol level in gasoline to expand the lucrative biofuel industry, Secretary of Agriculture and former Iowa governor Tom Vilsack failed to remember what corn was for a harrowing 10 seconds. "In terms of profitability for our nation's growers, corn is…downright, uh, essential to…mostly all of us…farm-wise?" Vilsack said during his opening remarks to the National Grain and Feed Association. "Corn is, ah, agriculturally speaking, one of the best things Americans can make—or possibly drink—and it's obviously a thing I care a lot about personally, that's for sure." Witnesses said that, moments later, when Vilsack remembered what corn was, he overcompensated by asking everyone in attendance if they "like eating the North American cereal plant that yields large grains, or kernels, set in rows on a cob as much as [he does]."
Year Of Law School Now Mandatory For Nation's 25-Year-Olds #~# WASHINGTON—Under the provisions of a bill approved by Congress and signed into law Tuesday, every 25-year-old American, regardless of prior life commitments, is now legally obligated to enroll in a full year of study at one of the nation's accredited law schools. "This new measure gives us the means to compel 25-year-olds to simultaneously placate their parents, impress their friends with complex-sounding legal jargon, and effectively avoid any real-world responsibilities for another full year," said Rep. Steve Buyer (R-IN). "We can think of no better way for our young people to squander their postcollegiate aimlessness." Congress is reportedly seeking further legislation that would provide for an additional nine months of grumbling over LSAT prep, and up to five years of whining about paying off student loan debt.
Obama Overturns Bush Stem Cell Policy #~# President Obama has lifted restrictions that prevented federal funding of labs using embryonic stem cells for research. What do you think? 
FDA Approves Salmonella #~# WASHINGTON—Calling it "perfectly safe for the most part," and "not nearly as destructive or fatal as previously thought," the Food and Drug Administration approved the enterobacteria salmonella for human consumption this week. 
Rush Limbaugh Returns #~# Rush Limbaugh is once again in the national media spotlight, this time for saying, among other things, that he hopes Obama and his economic program will fail. What other incendiary comments has Limbaugh made about the president?
I Know A Guy Who Knows A Guy Who Can Really Screw Us Over #~# So this thing we're talking about doing—you know, the thing. Well, I'm not sure going on the straight and narrow with it is our best option. I mean, sure, we could do it by the book and get exactly what we want up front without any complications. But what if I told you I've got a connection that could get us the same goods for twice the price and then screw us over when it comes time to deliver?
Obama Narrowly Survives Carnivorous Section Of Rose Garden #~# WASHINGTON—In his first major gaffe since taking office, President Obama accidentally stepped too close to the ferocious, man-eating plants of the White House Rose Garden Monday and was nearly devoured whole. According to witnesses, Obama was giving a tour to a group of foreign dignitaries when he leaned against a fence and was pulled headfirst into the pack of thorny stems and meat-eating flora that edge the lawn. "I should have known it was almost feeding time," said a surprisingly high-spirited Obama, whose neck and legs were still covered with bandages. "If the gardener hadn't left out that rake I used to fend them off, there's no doubt their tentacle-like vines would have strangled me and crushed my body into a powder." In hopes of preventing another embarrassing snafu, White House groundskeepers have erected a large "Keep Out!" sign near the 5-foot-tall Venus flytraps and will begin feeding the plants 10 live hogs per day instead of eight.
Beatles Edition Of Rock Band Coming Out #~# The Beatles: Rock Band is scheduled to hit shelves Sept. 9. What do you think? 
American Idol #~# FOX
Woman Upset At Herself For Feeling Hungry #~# MODESTO, CA—Telling friends that she "just ate a huge thing of yogurt four hours ago," local woman Vanessa Stroud chided herself Tuesday for feeling hunger, a natural urge experienced by all living creatures to ensure they consume the sustenance necessary to maintain metabolic processes and other vital biological functions. "God, I have no willpower at all," Stroud said regarding her inability to go without nourishment of any kind until the start of bikini season. "It's just my stupid brain telling me I need to eat when what I really need is another three-day cleanse." Stroud was later seen swatting her own hand as it reached out for a blueberry muffin.
Anger Actually Can Kill #~# A study in the Journal Of The American College Of Cardiology says that anger and other strong emotions can trigger unhealthy irregular heart rhythms. What do you think? 
Rise In Rent Forces Local Taco Bell To Take On Roommate #~# ROCKFORD, IL—With rents soaring and operating costs at an all-time high, management at the Auburn St. Taco Bell decided earlier this month to lessen their financial burden by taking on a roommate, 24-year-old Mark Studer. 
Husband, Wife Unaware They Are A Comedy Team #~# GLENDALE, AZ—With their hilarious put-downs of each other and classic back-and-forth bickering in front of neighbors, local married couple David and Sheila Holt are quietly becoming one of Glendale's favorite comedy teams, sources reported Monday.
Area Man Thinks He Was Fired Because Of Recession #~# CHICAGO—Though there were more than a dozen just causes—including tardiness, gross incompetence, and poor hygiene—to terminate Louis Palmer from his position as an accountant at Brillstein & Altman CPA, PC, the 29-year-old told reporters Monday that he believes he was fired due to economic conditions beyond anyone's control. "Nobody's safe from this recession, man," said Palmer, who might have noticed that his employer actually posted a 12 percent growth in 2008 had he not so frequently been asleep at his desk. "I'm going to miss the two-hour lunch breaks and all the free office supplies, but what are you going to do? The economy's a total wreck." Palmer returned home that evening to discover that his wife had left him, which he attributed to the war in Iraq.
Convict Charged In Chandra Levy Murder #~# An imprisoned Salvadoran laborer has been arrested for the murder of Chandra Levy, the D.C. intern whose disappearance brought down the political career of California congressman Gary Condit. What do you think? 
San Francisco Historians Condemn 1906 Earthquake Deniers #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In an event that sparked outrage across the historical community, deniers of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake convened last weekend to share their controversial theories about what actually occurred on that tragic day more than a century ago.
It's Women's History Month, Charlie Brown #~# CBS
Well, Well, Well, If It Isn't Every Woman I've Ever Slept With #~# Well, now, what do we have here? I come home from work, and whom do I happen to find but every single woman I've ever made love to in my whole entire life. Just having ourselves a little get-together in my apartment, are we now? My, isn't this a pretty picture.
Rare Species Of Frog May Hold Cure To...Ah, Never Mind, It's Extinct #~# MANASSAS, VA—According to a study published Monday in The Journal Of Experimental Biology, a rare species of tree frog found only in a small section of the Amazon rainforest may give hope to millions suffering from…oh, wait, forget it. It's extinct. "A biochemical compound present solely in this species could be used to create an inexpensive, readily available medication that will all but eliminate the devastating…wait, what?" said Dr. Prianka Chadha, a research biologist at George Mason University and lead author of the likely Nobel Prize–winning…well, probably not now. "Really? All of them? Shit." Chadha urged the public not to lose hope, because her research team is prepared to clone the gene responsible for the frog's curative…oops, scratch that. They just had their funding pulled.
Students Warned About Mexico Travel #~# Due to escalating drug violence, the State Department is urging caution for college students traveling to Mexico for spring break. What do you think? 
World Baseball Classic Team-By-Team Breakdown #~# Australia: The team seems pretty well-rounded since mysterious documents turned up proving that David Wright, Frank Thomas, and Hanley Ramirez are all native Aussies
'Play Every Day To The Best Of Your Ability' Clause Stalled Ramirez, Dodgers Talks #~# LOS ANGELES—A clause stipulating that free agent Manny Ramirez show up to games on time and play baseball to the greatest extent of his ability became a major sticking point in contract negotiations between the left fielder and the Dodgers, Ramirez's agent Scott Boras told reporters after Ramirez finally agreed to terms Wednesday. "We were willing to bend on the showing up part, but if they wanted my client to actually care about winning while he is up to bat, running the base paths, and fielding both fly and ground balls, well, that would have cost them at least another $17 million," Boras said. "If we gave in on that, then they'd have felt free to renege on the clause that allows Manny to play while wearing a bathing suit, a Kobe Bryant jersey, and sandals." Ramirez was too entranced by the guy at Venice Beach who rides a unicycle while holding two king cobra snakes to comment.
Kobe Bryant In Search Of Another Cause To Put His 49 Points Toward #~# LOS ANGELES—A day after his team's 118-111 loss to the Phoenix Suns, perennial all-star Kobe Bryant pulled his 49 points from the Lakers' official score sheet Monday and announced he would donate them to a more beneficial cause. "There are a lot of people out there who need these points more than I do," said Bryant, who has accumulated a fortune of more than 23,000 points during his 13-year career. "Habitat for Humanity could put some points toward giving someone a home, and St. Jude children's hospital could use it to cure childhood cancer…. As one of the world's highest scorers, I need to be a more responsible role model." Reactions of Laker players and fans were mixed when Bryant declared that 10 percent of all his subsequent points would go to the ASPCA.
Redskins Ask Albert Haynesworth To Gain 2,400 Pounds #~# WASHINGTON—Redskins coach Jim Zorn reportedly asked new defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth to begin bulking up Monday, claiming that by adding 2,400 pounds to his frame the All-Pro could improve his run-stuffing ability by single-handedly filling every gap on the defensive line. "Albert could be a dominant force if he just put on a couple thousand pounds," Zorn said of the two-time Pro Bowler, who signed a seven-year, $100 million contract with the team last week. "If he adds some mass to his shoulders, neck, and chest, and especially along his sides and the ends of his arms, there's not an offensive line in the league that will be able to move him, not even with help from a tight end." According to Redskins trainers, Haynesworth has been placed on a strict diet consisting of grilled chicken breasts, a green salad, and a giant barrel of lard at every meal.
Jason Kidd Given 1997 Chevy Lumina For Making 10,000th Assist #~# DALLAS—After dishing out his 10,000th career assist Sunday, Dallas Mavericks point guard Jason Kidd was given a used white 1997 Chevy Lumina fully equipped with a sunroof and an AM-FM radio-cassette player. "Jason, congratulations," teammate Dirk Nowitzki said while he and three other Maverick players pushed the car to center court. "Transmission needs a rebuild, paint job's okay from 10 feet, and she might have 167,000 miles on her, but that just means she's broken in. Jason, thanks for passing the ball a lot to people who can score." Former Utah Jazz guard John Stockton received a similar honor in 1995 when his team recognized his career achievements by awarding him a $50 gift certificate to Sam Goody and an arm's length of 50-50 raffle tickets. 
Roger Federer Growing Frustrated As U.S. Open Drags Feet On Sending 1099 Form #~# BOTTMINGEN, SWITZERLAND—Roger Federer, the world's second-ranked men's tennis player, expressed consternation Monday that he was unable to file his taxes on income earned in the U.S. due to a late 1099 form for the $1.5 million he was awarded for winning the 2008 U.S. Open. "I've already gotten the paperwork for every other U.S. tournament I was in last year: my semifinal finish in the Pac Life Open, quarterfinals in the Sony Ericsson Open," Federer said while pounding away at an adding machine from his home in Bottmingen. "It's not the money; I just want to get it over with, but I swear they do this to me every year. In 2005, I didn't get the thing until Apr. 10. The U.S. Open needs to get its shit together." Federer then began to panic over whether or not he had sent the Grand Slam tennis tournament a properly filled out 1042-S form.
Stephon Marbury Embroils Celtics' Big 3 In Elaborate Shakespearean Intrigue #~# BOSTON—Saying that "We cannot all be masters, nor all masters / Cannot be truly follow'd," disruptive point guard Stephon Marbury has been scheming to turn Boston's "Big Three" against one another since he signed with the Celtics last month, apparently trying to claim the team for his own. 
UPS Guy Hasn't Heard A Doorbell Like That One In A While #~# LITITZ, PA—Claiming the chiming melody reminded him of his early days in the parcel delivery service, UPS worker John Shea told reporters Tuesday that he hadn't heard a doorbell like the one at Daniel and Beth Mack's house at 130 Cindy Ln. in "a heck of a long time." "They don't make them like that anymore—trust me, I've heard them all," said Shea, who reportedly expounded on the difference between digital and analog chimes to Mr. Mack as the homeowner stood waiting to sign for his package. "That's a real classic. Nice change of pace from your standard 'ding-dong.' Good doorknob, too. Sturdy." Shea was not permitted inside the house for a cup of coffee.
Jonas Brothers Film Underperforms #~# Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience opened this weekend with only $12.7 million at the box office, far less than analysts had expected. What do you think? 
Obama Outfitted With 238 Motion Capture Sensors For 3-D Record Of Presidency #~# WASHINGTON—In what is being hailed as a breakthrough in the field of historical record-keeping, the National Archives announced Monday that it would immediately begin outfitting Barack Obama's chest, limbs, and face with an array of motion capture sensors for use in preserving a 3-D account of his time as president.
Illinois Corruption Timeline #~# The controversy surrounding Illinois senator Roland Burris is only the latest chapter in a long history of political corruption in the Land of Lincoln. Here is a partial timeline of scandals that have plagued the state.
Hungry Betty #~# ABC
Son, It's Time We Have A Talk About Where Babies Go #~# Now, Xiu, you're getting to be a really big boy, and I know you've been asking a lot of questions about Mommy and why she's been so sad lately. Well, your mom and I have been talking and we think you're finally old enough to learn where babies—where babies go.
Responsibilities Track Man Down Inside Dream #~# NATE WHITMAN'S SUBCONSCIOUS—After an extensive search of local resident Nate Whitman's euphoric sleeping fantasy, a crack team of his most pressing responsibilities was finally able to locate the 29-year-old claims adjuster at 5:30 a.m., one hour before his alarm clock was set to go off. "It looks like we arrived just in time," said Whitman's two-month-old outstanding car payment, speaking on behalf of itself and several other responsibilities—including his mother's upcoming birthday and next week's jury duty selection. "He was being fellated by Scarlett Johansson while piloting a Jet Ski at high speeds. We're lucky we caught up to him before he started flying." After leading him through a vivid fantasy of taking his work shirts into the dry cleaners, Whitman's responsibilities turned him over to several embarrassing moments from high school for his remaining 45 minutes of fitful slumber.
iPhone App Usage Drops Off #~# A study has shown that less than 5 percent of consumers still use their free iPhone applications a month after downloading them. What do you think? 
Area Woman Will Eat Anything With 'Tuscan' In Name #~# JEFFERSON TOWNSHIP, NJ—Veterinary assistant Lauren Millardi, 27, will eat any dish prefaced with the word "Tuscan," sources reported Monday. "Tuscan shrimp, Tuscan garlic chicken, it doesn't matter," said Millardi's boyfriend, Tim Vernacini. "I'm not really sure if she even knows what makes food Tuscan, but there's something about that region-specific culinary modifier that she finds inordinately appetizing." Vernacini added that Millardi likely would have loved the 2003 movie Under The Tuscan Sun had it not failed to meet her strict film criterion of having taken place between the years of 1743 and 1919.
Paul Harvey Dead At 90 #~# Legendary radio broadcaster Paul Harvey died of undisclosed causes in Arizona on Saturday. What do you think? 
Lovecraftian School Board Member Wants Madness Added To Curriculum #~# ARKHAM, MA—Arguing that students should return to the fundamentals taught in the Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Necronomicon in order to develop the skills they need to be driven to the very edge of sanity, Arkham school board member Charles West continued to advance his pro-madness agenda at the district’s monthly meeting Tuesday.
For Gay Couple, Fulfilling Lifelong Dream Of Marriage Not Worth Moving To Iowa #~# NEW YORK—Having their sworn commitment to each other and all related rights therein recognized by the highest court of a sovereign U.S. state is ultimately not worth the hassle of moving to Iowa, longtime partners Danny Mindlin and Alex Small determined Monday. "Alex and I want to grow old together, but we'd have to drive six hours just to get a mezzaluna at Restoration Hardware," said Mindlin, who claimed he "couldn't survive" without a strawberry frosted cupcake from Amy's Bread after yoga every Thursday. "And where would we summer? Dubuque? I think we'll just buy a townhouse and live in an unrecognized union with beautiful granite countertops instead." The couple told reporters that their plans to adopt also weighed heavily in the decision, since they want to raise a child who is healthy, balanced, and "not tacky."
If You Ever Need Somebody To Stand Around And Not Contribute, You Know Where To Find Me #~# Look, we've been friends a long time, and this probably goes without saying, but I'm gonna say it anyway. I want you to know that anytime you really need my help—anytime at all—you can count on me to just sort of show up, hang out for a while, and not really do anything productive or supportive.
New Video Game Technology Finally Allows Rendering Of Smaller Breasts #~# LAS VEGAS—The buzz at this month's Consumer Electronics Show was all about a new breakthrough in the field of high-resolution 3-D graphics that has made it possible to render average-sized breasts on female video game characters. "For too long, game designers have been creatively stymied by a mammary-imaging technology only capable of rendering one type of breast—a heaving pair of massive, gravity-defying, torpedo-shaped bosoms," said Warren Hood, developer of the new Vex9 graphics card, which has finally enabled video game wire-frame artists to digitally sculpt breasts as small as B-cups. "At long last, we can give die-hard gamers the level of realism they've been looking for." Hood added that researchers are currently exploring technologies that would allow the shamans and clerics in World Of Warcraft to practice modern medicine instead of depending on unrealistic magical healing spells.
Screaming Albert Pujols Warns Baserunner Not To Step On His Herb Garden #~# ST. LOUIS—Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols frantically waved his arms and shouted several warnings at Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley Sunday while attempting to prevent the base runner from trampling a cultivated section of the first base line containing his recently planted herb garden. "The dill, thyme, and cilantro have just started to sprout, and they're far too delicate at this stage to just get stomped on," said Pujols, adding that he was strongly considering plans to rope off the area. "All I ask is that people are respectful and watch where they're running, since I did all the planting, weeding, fertilizing, and watering. Guys like Bradley are exactly why we can't have a pumpkin patch anymore." According to Cardinals players, the two-time NL MVP had a similar outburst in 2007 when relief pitcher Ryan Franklin forgot to shut the bullpen gate and allowed several of Pujols' pigs to escape. 
Specter Switches Sides #~# Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter announced Tuesday that he was switching from the Republican Party to the Democratic Party. What do you think? 
Notable Choke Jobs #~# The stunning upset is all well and good, but the disastrous collapse under pressure is just as big a part of sports. Some of the most notable:
Nation Dumbfounded As To Why Little-Leaguer's Favorite Player Is Chipper Jones #~# DANVILLE, IN—The U.S. populace reacted with confusion, astonishment, and mild disgust upon discovering that 12-year-old little-leaguer Jonathan Keefer's favorite major-league baseball player is none other than Atlanta Braves third baseman Chipper Jones. 
National Diet Of Japan #~# C-SPAN2
'St. Elsewhere' PA Grilled By Howie Mandel's Biographer #~# LOS ANGELES— Bryant Coleman, author of the forthcoming Howie Mandel biography Howie Did What He Did, spent three hours Monday interrogating former St. Elsewhere production assistant Gary Alexander, pressing him for candid details on the comedian. "He must have had 50 questions about Howie's on-set catering preferences, Howie's opinions on Dave Grusin's theme music for the show, and amusing stethoscope anecdotes involving Howie," said Alexander, 45, who now works as an accountant in Van Nuys, CA. "He kept asking if the cast and crew knew back then that Howie was going to be a huge star, and went on and on about how funny Walk Like A Man is." Alexander added that he blocked Coleman from his cell phone after the author called him 15 times to confirm the specific dates and locations of various incidents in which Mandel stretched a latex glove over his head and inflated it with his nostrils. 
Air Force One Photo Op Shocks New Yorkers #~# The sight of Air Force One being trailed by a fighter jet low in the skies of downtown Manhattan sent thousands of workers and residents in the area into a panic on Monday. What do  you think? 
Craigslist Server Contracts HPV #~# SAN FRANCISCO—A team of system administrators, web developers, and health care professionals reported this week that Craigslist, the free online network of classified advertisements, has contracted the anogenital disease commonly known as HPV. 
Congress Working On Credit Card Reform #~# The House Financial Services Committee has approved a "Credit Cardholders' Bill of Rights" designed to control the detrimental habits of credit card companies. Here are some of the reforms suggested:
What The Hell Am I Supposed To Do With All These Constitutional Rights? #~# Too much of one thing can cause a person a lot of stress, and you know what's stressing me out? All these rights guaranteed to me by the U.S. Constitution. There's like—how many—a couple dozen? And they keep adding more! Isn't that a bit much? I'm just a simple man who likes simple things, and I can tell you right now, there's just no way I'm ever gonna need all those constitutional rights.
Lost Cat, Dog On Journey Die Immediately #~# JACKSON, WY—After their owners inadvertently left them behind in Yellowstone National Park, Louie, a 4-year-old golden retriever, and Nipsy, a 3-year-old longhair cat, were killed within minutes of beginning their heartwarming journey home, sources reported Monday. "It looks like right after leaving the campsite they fell off a cliff and died upon impact with the highway below," park ranger Ken Hinkley said after discovering their barely recognizable bodies, which had been partially eaten by a cougar the pair likely would have outsmarted with adorably clever teamwork had they survived. "After that, it appears their carcasses were run over by a tractor-trailer, probably operated by a gruff but kindhearted truck driver who no doubt would have given them a lift. Poor little guys. Had to toss 'em in a ditch." Louie and Nipsy's family reportedly gave up hope immediately, and have already purchased a new kitten and puppy whom they love very much.
Swine Flu Epidemic Hits U.S. #~# Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano declared a public health emergency after a Mexican swine flu epidemic hit the United States. What do you think? 
Outfielders Take Knee, Infielders Move Up In New 'Jason Varitek Shift' #~# BOSTON—As the 2009 baseball season progresses, major-league managers are defending against Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek by employing what they call the "Varitek Shift," a defensive maneuver in which infielders move up past the pitcher's mound and outfielders take a knee and relax. "It's very effective," Minnesota Twins manager Ron Gardenhire told reporters. "If Jason makes contact with the ball, which is rare in itself, he usually hits slow dribblers that catch infielders by surprise because of how weak they're hit. So, by moving the infielders up, and having the pitcher rush home plate after the pitch has been thrown, [Varitek] has virtually no chance of reaching base. If runners are on when he comes up, we may have the outfielders cover first, second, and third to ensure a double or triple play." Gardenhire added that it doesn't matter if the switch-hitting Varitek bats right- or left-handed, as the shift is foolproof.
Well, Duh! #~# SPIKE
FEMA Unveils Nationwide Phone Tree In Case Of Emergency #~# WASHINGTON—The Federal Emergency Management Agency on Monday unveiled its new $48.2 million Phone Tree Response System, a program designed to alert every American in the event of a large-scale disaster. "The safety of our great nation is the responsibility of all 300 million of its citizens, so make sure you memorize the names and phone numbers of the three people you are supposed to call," said acting FEMA administrator Nancy Ward, who assured reporters that, in the event of a chemical or biological attack, President Obama would be notified first so that he could inform Vice President Joe Biden, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Meredith Soto of Winslow, AZ. "Remember: If they don't pick up, leave a message telling them there's a national emergency, and then call the next name listed in the 176,935-page, 253-volume directory until someone answers." According to FEMA officials, regular tests of the phone tree will be conducted on a semiweekly basis to identify any numbers that are no longer in service.
Yahoo! Shutting Down GeoCities #~# After acquiring it for $4.6 billion in 1999, Yahoo! is pulling the plug on free website host GeoCities. What do you think? 
Shaq To Guest Referee Game 1 Of Eastern Conference Championship #~# ORLANDO—NBA commissioner David Stern interrupted the halftime ceremony of the Sixers-Magic game Wednesday to announce that Shaquille O'Neal would be returning to the court this postseason, not as a player, but as a guest referee in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Championship. "It's time I brought the law enforcement back into the NBA," Stern said as he introduced the unsmiling O'Neal, who glowered at the crowd while wearing a black-and-white-striped referee shirt with the sleeves cut off. "He won't let any of you get away with the crap you're pulling with the current refs. Shaq Attack is back—and in full effect." In addition to O'Neal, Stern has appointed Vince Carter to serve as "The Enforcer," whose job is to check tickets and sell concessions at all games.
G-175 Nations Convene To Discuss How Things Can't Possibly Be Any Worse #~# HARARE, ZIMBABWE—In a hotel ballroom eight miles outside Zimbabwe’s capital city, representatives from the world’s 175 least powerful nations met this week to discuss how everything—from political unrest, to insurmountable debt, to bloody social strife—can’t get any worse.
The Billionaire Matchmaker #~# BRAVO
This Apparently That Year Marlins Win World Series Again #~# MIAMI—After enduring five years of mediocrity since a 2003 World Series title that was itself preceded by five years of mediocrity, the Florida Marlins will evidently go ahead and win the World Series again if their 11-2 start to the season is any indication. "I guess they're doing that thing where no one will really completely believe in them all year, but they'll be unstoppable in the playoffs, beat some interesting team like the Cubs along the way, and win it all," broadcaster Tim Kurkjian said. "Then I guess they'll sell off all their good players, play a bunch of 17-year-olds, lose 100 games, nuke their own fan base, and somehow blame it on not having their new stadium yet. I see." Kurkjian then made a note to himself to pick the Marlins to win the World Series in 2015.
Three Fingered On Class Trip To Washington, D.C. #~# WASHINGTON—Less than 24 hours into their class trip to Washington D.C., ninth-graders from Middleton Junior High School are reporting that three of their female classmates have been fingered.
New York Times 'Faces Of The Dead' Editor Just Needs A Couple More To Fill Out Corner #~# NEW YORK—Explaining that the hardest part of her job is filling "that empty space down on the right there," New York Times "Faces of the Dead" section chief Rachel Karstens expressed frustration Friday at the unusually low number of photographs of fallen U.S. service members. "Two more photos and we'd have a nice symmetrical layout here," Karstens said while trying to rearrange images of troops who died in an IED attack in Basra. "I'm crossing my fingers that some more come in before five o'clock. I hate a lopsided display." Karstens also commented that, if the past is any guide, she probably will wind up with about 11 too many next Friday.
Major League Baseball #~# FOX
Indian Business Students Into 'Mein Kampf' #~# The Daily Telegraph of London reports that Indian business students are buying Adolf Hitler's autobiography as a sort of management guide. What do you think? 
Report: Lions To Use No. 1 Pick In NFL Draft On Ryan Leaf #~# DETROIT—Reports coming out of the Detroit Lions camp indicate that the organization is set to make retired NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf the first pick in the 2009 NFL Draft. According to Lions general manager Martin Mayhew, Leaf, who in his brief four-year career threw 14 touchdowns and 36 interceptions for three NFL teams, is exactly what Detroit needs. "You can build an organization around Ryan Leaf," Mayhew told reporters, adding that Wake Forest linebacker Aaron Curry, Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford, and Baylor offensive tackle Jason Smith lack Leaf's professional experience. "We think the people of Detroit are going to go crazy when Roger Goodell calls Ryan Leaf's name this Saturday." Leaf told reporters he hadn't even been notified by the Lions about their decision, but when asked if he would play for the struggling team, he responded, "Sure, okay."
Pushpin Industry Thriving In Recession #~# WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest rate in 25 years and countless retirement savings wiped out by the collapse of the stock market, experts say the American pushpin industry may be the lone bright spot in an otherwise bleak financial landscape.
Well, There Goes Our Dream Vacation To Somalia #~# When you think about the best places in the world to take your family on a relaxing, two-week trip, the first location that comes to mind is Somalia. Naturally. It's got it all. So, in order to beat the summer rush, I booked my family's trip in late March, but then I pick up a newspaper and read about the rampant pirate activity around the Horn of Africa. Well, so much for that.
Tax Day Celebrated With 'Tea Parties' #~# On Apr. 15, people held rallies all across the nation to protest exorbitant spending and high taxes. Here are some of the slogans that appeared on their protest signs:
Suspect Wins Over Detectives With 'Rockford Files' Reference #~# PASCO, WA—Having just arrested him on suspicion of aggravated assault and robbery, Pasco police officials dropped all charges against Carl Bradley, 46, after the man made multiple amusing references to The Rockford Files, a 1970s detective series starring James Garner. Just moments after Bradley asked whether the interrogating officer was working for "$200 a day, plus expenses," a roomful of officers began joyously exchanging plotlines and quotes from their favorite episodes. "It's just nice to meet a guy who appreciates The Files like we do," officer Brad Nuter said. "How could anyone who can recite every single answering-machine gag possibly have beaten two newlyweds with the butt of his gun over $30? This man has a code, just like Jimbo Rockford." Following Bradley's release, investigators detained a vagrant who was overheard misquoting the radio banter from the opening credit sequence of Adam-12.
The Greatest Guitar Smashers #~# VH1
Supreme Court Hears Strip-Search Case #~# The Supreme Court heard arguments in Safford Unified School District v. Redding, in which the family of a 13-year-old girl sued after school officials strip-searched her for prescription ibuprofen. What do you think? 
Deriba Merga Dedicates Boston Marathon Victory To Pit Crew #~# BOSTON—Upon winning the 113th Boston Marathon Monday, Ethiopia's Deriba Merga dedicated his 2-hour, 8-minute, and 42-second victory to the six-member pit crew who refueled him, changed his shoes, and removed debris from his ducts and air intakes. "I might have been the one in control of my body when I crossed the finish line, but it was all their hard work that got me there," Merga said. "Every time I pulled over to pit, the jack men had me up in the air in a second. I barely heard them fire up the pneumatic wrench before suddenly I was off running again with a fresh set of shoes and shorts." Merga, who finished a disappointing fourth in the Beijing Olympic marathon, has blamed that result on a pit stop in which he forgot to remove the Gatorade hose before sprinting away.
Celebrating John Madden #~# As John Madden walks off into football history, we look at the moments that made him a legend: 
First Homo Leagues Player Shatters MLB Sexuality Barrier #~# OAKLAND, CA—Homo leagues all-star Tyler Patton shattered baseball's long-standing sexual orientation barrier Monday by signing a four-year, $10.5 million contract with the Oakland A's. 
Seymour Hersh Uncovers New Thing Too Sad To Think About #~# NEW YORK—Sources at The New Yorker said a new article by investigative journalist Seymour Hersh "blows the lid completely off" a subject matter far too soul-crushing for the human brain to process. Hersh, renowned for breaking stories on events such as the My Lai Massacre and Abu Ghraib, is said to have plumbed every last, depressing detail of the newly uncovered topic, which likely involves an inconceivable combination of violence, drunken abuses of power, wanton disregard for the sanctity of human life, and a chain of deceit and corruption leading all the way to the top. According to a recent poll, none of The New Yorker's nearly 1 million subscribers had summoned the strength to crack the story's first paragraph, instead turning to the new Roz Chast cartoon on the next page.
Stupid Man Overshadowed By Louder Stupid Man #~# BETHESDA, MD—A long, idiotic rant delivered by a demonstrably stupid man was interrupted Monday by the ramblings of a man who, in addition to being stupid, spoke in a very loud voice. "The first man was certainly stupid, but he was more relentless than loud," said a quiet and somewhat reasonable man who witnessed the dispute. "So when the other man began saying something even stupider at a much higher volume, naturally I had to pay attention to him." As of press time, both men had quieted down somewhat, but remained stupid.
Spam A Global Warming Issue #~# According to security technology company McAfee, the amount of energy used to produce, send, and filter spam each year creates as much greenhouse gas as 3.1 million cars. What do you think? 
God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church #~# FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Parishioners at the First Presbyterian Church were left stunned and in awe of His glory Sunday, when the Lord God Almighty dropped by their 11 a.m. service unannounced.
Simple Tips For A Greener House #~# Cutting energy consumption not only saves you money, it helps save the environment.  Here are 10 simple things you can do around the house to the earth AND your wallet a greener place.
Sir, You're Going To Have To Ask Me To Leave #~# Excuse me, sir. I said, excuse me, but I'm afraid you'll need to ask me to lower my voice. This is a respectable department store, and my behavior, quite frankly, is disturbing the other customers. If I can't keep it down, you're going to have to ask me to take my business elsewhere.
Hillary Clinton Launches Intimidating New Fragrance Line #~# CHAPPAQUA, NY—Unveiling a bold scent described by its manufacturer as "steely, bracing, and curt, with notes of patent leather, sandalwood, and wool serge," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton launched her own line of soaps, eaux de toilette, and body splashes Thursday. The new fragrance, called "Authorité," was designed to evoke the olfactory equivalent of sensible shoes clicking purposefully down a marble-tiled hallway. "Our distinguished parfumeurs—and, more importantly, Madame Secretary—have created exactly the right tone, a scent that brooks no argument," spokesperson Etienne Falbaum said. "This is a controlled, competent, and, above all, patient essence that makes men sit up, take notice, and not speak until spoken to." Advertising inserts scented with Authorité will be featured in upcoming editions of Elle, The Economist, and The New York Review of Books.
Jackie Chan Endorses Government Control Of Chinese #~# While addressing a group of Chinese businessmen, Jackie Chan spoke out against freedoms for the Chinese people, saying that if they weren't controlled they would "just do what [they] want." What do you think? 
Wade Phillips Excited About Upcoming NFL Giraffe #~# DALLAS—Cowboys coach Wade Phillips enthusiastically announced Tuesday that he could not wait for the 2009 NFL Giraffe on Apr. 25 and 26, mentioning several times that the animal's neck was his favorite part. "If it takes two whole days for a giraffe, you know that giraffe is a tall one," said Phillips, adding that giraffes were better than free agency because they subsist on twigs and leaves, which do not cost very much money. "When you're rebuilding a team, it's much better to use the giraffe because you can reach really high places with it." Phillips said he has been preparing for the 2009 NFL Giraffe by drawing pictures, collecting "yummy" vegetation, and ladder shopping. 
Director For ASPCA Commercial Demands Sadder Looking Dogs #~# LOS ANGELES—According to witnesses, commercial director Nathan Foster, 40, is irate over the insufficiently pathetic condition of the dogs being used in the 30-second television spot he is directing for the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. "These dogs are barely morose, and they need to be fucking pitiful!" Foster was overheard yelling at his casting coordinator during the shoot. "They look like they could start frolicking all over the place any minute! You couldn't get me even one mutt with a missing eye or three legs or something?" At press time, sources said that Foster has ordered production assistants to viciously beat the dogs for several hours so the animals can at least cower convincingly.
WTC Rebuild Delayed #~# Due to the office-space slump, it may take up to three decades to rebuild on the World Trade Center site. What do you think? 
Oprah's African School Forced To Cut Oprahmatics, 20th Century Oprah History #~# JOHANNESBURG—Faced with a $75,000 deficit in its operational budget, the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls announced this week that it would be forced to cut a number of core Oprah courses from its enriched Oprah curriculum.
Bloodstained Gary Bettman: 'I Have Taken The Necessary Measures To Ensure A Crosby-Ovechkin Final' #~# NEW YORK—Addressing reporters yesterday in an unnervingly calm tone of voice, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman—his hands, face, and white-collared shirt covered in blood—said that any obstacle standing in the way of both Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin playing in the Stanley Cup Final has been "taken care of." "Sometimes you have to put the greater good of the league ahead of the fact that the [Pittsburgh Penguins and Washington Capitals] are in the same conference. Unfortunately for some, that point needed to be made…how should I put this…more clearly," Bettman said as he removed black leather crimson-splotched gloves from his hands and what appeared to be an ear from his jacket pocket. "Needless to say [NHL Players' Association executive director] Paul V. Kelly, [New York Rangers General Manager] Glen Sather, and Mario Lemieux will not be attending this press conference as was originally scheduled." When Bettman asked if there were any questions, no reporters raised their hands. 
Safety School #~# BRAVO
John Starks Leads Knicks To Victory In Promotional 1994 Roster Night #~# NEW YORK—Along with Fan Appreciation Night and Continental Monthly Planner Giveaway Night, the Knicks' attempt to increase fan attendance with its promotional 1994 Roster Night has proved successful, with 43-year-old backup shooting guard John Starks leading the team to a 108-106 victory over the Miami Heat. "1994 Night is a great way for fans to experience the game as if it were happening 15 years ago, and John [Starks] really came through in the clutch with those last two three-pointers," said Howard Jacobs, the Knicks' senior vice president of sports marketing. "The crowd really enjoyed seeing [Patrick] Ewing make one of his signature fadeaways, and though [Charles] Oakley and [Anthony] Mason weren't as dominant on the boards as they once were, they came through with some big free throws. The fans seemed to be happier than usual tonight." 1951 Roster Night was markedly less successful, as the Knicks forfeited the game when only four members of the team were healthy enough to travel to Madison Square Garden.
Mr. Pretty-Boy Farmer Still Has All His Fingers #~# PARKERSBURG, IA—Forty-eight-year-old local farmer Eli Ridley is a real pretty-boy looker who still has all 10 of his digits, sources reported Monday.
Life Lessons With Dez #~# Nickelodeon
Supreme Court Justices Keep Citing Cases Roberts And Alito Are Too Young To Remember #~# WASHINGTON—Although three years have passed since both men joined the court, Chief Justice John Roberts, 54, and Associate Justice Samuel Alito, 59, said they still feel foolish whenever more senior justices refer to cases decided "way before" they joined the court. "One time—one time—I asked what World-Wide Volkswagen v. Woodson was, and Stevens goes off on this tear about me still being in diapers when Earl Warren was inventing Miranda rights," Alito said of the 88-year-old justice appointed by President Gerald Ford. "God, sorry I didn't get my law degree before World War I, geez." According to court clerks, the two younger justices occasionally get so frustrated with the constant teasing that they take a bus to go spend time with their friends in the 9th Circuit.
CIA Headquarters Disappears #~# MCLEAN, VA—Silently, under the cover of darkness, the national headquarters of the CIA vanished Tuesday, leaving no sign that it had ever been there at all. The multibuilding campus of the intelligence-gathering agency reportedly disappeared without warning, taking with it all occupants and leaving in its place 258 acres of peaceful woodland. "I don't know what you're referring to," National Intelligence Director Dennis C. Blair said. "I've never heard of this headquarters or the agency it supposedly housed. There's no story here." An anonymous source claimed to have more information on the incident, but a reporter dispatched to meet him in a Langley, VA parking garage found the facility empty, and left having only heard a few dull thuds and the squealing of tires.
Tickets Up, Concessions Down #~# As movie ticket sales reverse the downward trend they've been experiencing in recent years, concession sales have been stagnant or lower. What do you think? 
Brawl Clears Benches Of Everyone But J.D. Drew #~# ANAHEIM, CA—Bobby Abreu's angry reaction to a purpose pitch from Boston ace Josh Beckett triggered an ugly fracas Sunday that saw both teams' benches and bullpens cleared, with the notable exception of Red Sox outfielder J.D. Drew. "They looked like they had it under control; don't want too many cooks in the kitchen," said Drew, who could be seen yawning and flicking sunflower seeds into a nearby water cup during the fight. "I thought about getting in there for a second, but then I thought, nah. It didn't really directly concern me. I mean, yeah, they shoved a bunch of my teammates, but it's not like they were gonna die or anything. If someone was in mortal danger, I'd step in there. Yeah, I'd probably do that." Drew then turned his attention to perusing his contract for opt-out clauses.
NASA Embarks On Epic Delay #~# WASHINGTON—Top officials at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration unveiled plans this week for a comprehensive, multibillion-dollar delay—the agency's most ambitious postponement of cosmic exploration ever.
Making Your Block Greener #~# Community Gardens are getting more popular in urban areas. Residents take a vacant lot, spend a weekend cleaning up and planting, and create a little garden oasis where people can grow flowers and vegetables. Here are some pointers on how to get started:
I'm Not One Of Those Insecure Generals Who Needs To Win A Lot Of Battles #~# Another crushing defeat at the hands of the enemy. After four long years, our righteous struggle has come to a bitter end. But fear not! Unlike a lot of leaders, who have to go out and conquer half of Europe to feel good about themselves, I'm not going to let one little misstep get me down.
Area Woman's Safety Net Braces For Another Impact #~# ALBANY, NY—Despite already being stretched to its breaking point, the strained threads of Patricia Hapsburg's social safety net have once again begun readying themselves to absorb the emotional impact of the 29-year-old finding out her ex-boyfriend is now engaged. "We have white zin chilling in the fridge, her comfiest sweats laid out, and Under The Tuscan Sun cued up in the DVD player," said one friend, Leanne Shuyin, whose strength has been repeatedly tested by Hapsburg's numerous professional stumbles and tendency to fall for men who move into her building. "I can't say how long we'll be able to support her, though. Janet has been looking pretty frayed since she agreed to accompany Patricia on that spiritual retreat." For her own mental stability, Hapsburg will spend the next four weeks joined at the hip to Mike Gantz, her unusually resilient and supportive gay lifeline. 
DHS Warns Of Rise in Right-Wing Extremism #~# The Department of Homeland Security warned law enforcement officials that the recession, the disenfranchisement of returning veterans, and the election of a black president could lead to an increase in recruitment by white supremacist and violent antigovernment groups. What do you think? 
Harry Kalas Tribute Video Somehow Narrated By Harry Kalas #~# PHILADELPHIA—In what fans are calling a touching and entirely fitting tribute to the Philadelphia icon, the Phillies released a farewell video of Harry Kalas Monday narrated by Kalas himself. "In Philadelphia, they'll tell you that if Harry Kalas said it, it must be true," Kalas' distinctive voice can be heard saying over a montage of great Kalas moments, including his first day as a Phillies broadcaster and both Phillies World Series victories. "His honeyed old-leather-and-bourbon baritone was spring and summer to generations of baseball fans. We'll miss his voice, but not as much as we'll miss the man. So, one last time, we say: Long drive…watch that baby…outta here. Home run, Harry Kalas." The Phillies declined comment on the video itself, saying only that choosing Kalas to narrate the labor of love was a "no-brainer" and that no other voice would do Kalas' legend justice.
Who Will Be The New Voice Of NFL Films? #~# Replacing the late, great Harry Kalas as the voice of NFL Films is no small task. Onion Sports evaluates the leading candidates:
Mr. Met Having Trouble Sleeping In New Home #~# FLUSHING, NEW YORK—After dozing off between innings in front of more than 41,000 cheering fans Monday night, an exhausted Mr. Met informed team officials that he has not slept since the Mets moved from Shea Stadium to Citi Field. 
New GM-Segway Vehicle Coming #~# Ailing auto company General Motors has teamed up with personal transport device manufacturer Segway to create the PUMA, a two-person electrical vehicle that can travel up to 35 miles on a single charge. Here are some of the features of this innovative new device:
Concerts Held To Wish World's Poor Good Luck #~# ROME—More than 40 artists, including U2, Death Cab for Cutie, Rihanna, and Rage Against the Machine, performed at six simultaneous concerts across the globe Saturday as part of a new benefit show to wish the world's desperately impoverished the best of luck. The $200-a-ticket event raised more than $80 million, which will be put toward thousands of good-luck cards and balloons for developing countries and a fund for future charity performances. "I hope you will all join me in extending a hand of friendship to the have-nots, shaking their hand once, and walking away," Al Gore said in a special message via satellite. "You've had it pretty bad, and it's not likely to get better. May God help you all. See ya!" Producer Quincy Jones also brought all the participating artists together to record an all-star track that will be made available to the poor through iTunes.
Marilyn Chambers Dead At 56 #~# Marilyn Chambers, the former pornographic film actress who starred in the film Behind The Green Door and was the face of Ivory Snow detergent, died in her Canyon Country, CA home on Sunday. What do you think?
Media Having Trouble Finding Right Angle On Obama's Double-Homicide #~# WASHINGTON—More than a week after President Barack Obama's cold-blooded killing of a local couple, members of the American news media admitted Tuesday that they were still trying to find the best angle for covering the gruesome crime. 
Six Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die! #~# Noticed lately all these books that list various things we should see or do before we earn our angel wings? I gotta say, what a brilliant idea. It just goes to show that sometimes the best ideas come out of daydreaming, because you know that whoever wrote these books was once, just like the rest of us, sitting at work bored to tears, and wondering about all the stuff they'd do if they weren't parked in a cubicle. Only difference is, they had the presence of mind to think what a great book topic it would make!
Apparently Man Can't Just Hate Bowling #~# GENESEO, NY—Despite repeated attempts to explain his feelings on the matter, 29-year-old local resident Dave Barrister expressed shock Monday after learning that he was evidently not allowed to simply dislike bowling. "Looks like nobody in the history of the planet has ever just hated to bowl," Barrister said following a 20-minute interrogation by friends, who cited his love of both beer and chicken wings in their refusal to allow him to detest the activity. "I just don't like it, okay? I do not at all enjoy the experience of bowling. Why isn't that enough?" Barrister reportedly bowled an 89 later that evening.
Captain Rescued From Pirates #~# After being held hostage by Somali pirates for five days, Capt. Richard Phillips was rescued by the U.S. Navy on Sunday. What do you think? 
New ESPN GameCast Feature Allows Your Team To Win #~# NEW YORK—ESPN.com launched an updated version of its MLB GameCast feature Monday that automatically changes any game's outcome in favor of the user's favorite team. "I used to think that being able to toggle the 'HitZone' on and off was pretty awesome, but toggling a victory on and off is so much better," Mariners fan and GameCast subscriber Mike Walker said. "Most of the time, I'd be following along with the game online and then be pissed off when the Mariners lost. Now, all I have to do is hit the 'make my team win' button." Although the new premium feature is not available for the NFL or NBA GameCasts, baseball fans can obtain the new program by signing up for ESPN Insider and paying a $1,000 monthly subscription fee.
English Soccer Game #~# ESPN2
Advertising Firm Unveils New Mute-Resistant Commercials #~# CHICAGO—The Leo Burnett advertising agency announced Tuesday that a McDonald's spot set to air during the upcoming May sweeps will be the first mute-resistant commercial in television history. The ad reportedly uses a new technology that disables a TV's volume-reduction functions, creating a "new kind of listening space" for advertisers to communicate with audiences. "Viewers can try pressing the mute button, but if they do, it will actually double the volume at which they hear the latest 'I'm Lovin' It' jingle," CEO Tom Bernardin said. "We already have six more clients signed on to use this exciting marketing tool during the season finale of Lost." Rival agency Draftfcb is reportedly developing a technology of its own that will remotely turn on a television and adjust the channel seconds before a commercial airs.
Michael Bay Signs $50M Deal To Fuck Up 'ThunderCats' #~# LOS ANGELES—In the largest deal ever made to shit out a movie, Warner Bros. and director Michael Bay announced a landmark $50 million agreement this week to monumentally fuck up ThunderCats.
Texas Legislator Wants Asians To Americanize Names #~# Texas state Rep. Betty Brown suggested that Asian-American voters should change their names to something "easier for Americans to deal with." What do you think? 
Mets Fans Perplexed By New Stadium's Prominent Tim Teufel Statue #~# NEW YORK—Although an undeniable atmosphere of excitement swirled around new Mets ballpark Citi Field at its unofficial opening Friday, many of the team's fans were put off by an 18-foot-tall bronze statue of Tim Teufel displayed in the center of the Jackie Robinson Rotunda. "From far away I thought it was a really nice tribute to Tom Seaver or Darryl Strawberry, but then, boom, there's Tim Teufel," fan Kevin McGoey said about the statue, which includes a plaque commemorating the second baseman's career .254 average and 86 home runs. "Actually, I had to read the little placard underneath to figure out who it was. I mean, we've had Mike Piazza, Lenny Dykstra…. Even a Robin Ventura statue would make a lot more sense. And man, is it big. Does it have to be so big?" Other notable features of Citi Field include a mural of Jerry Grote portraits, a giant scoreboard in the shape of Benny Agbayani, and lemonade served by Dwight Gooden himself.
I'd Hit That #~# SPIKE
Roster-Depleted Bears Sign Tire Swing For Cutler To Throw To #~# CHICAGO—Anticipating that new Bears quarterback Jay Cutler will need more targets than converted cornerback Devin Hester and undersized journeyman Rashied Davis—the only receivers on their squad who have ever caught an NFL pass—the Chicago Bears signed a tire swing to their roster Tuesday. "We are expecting great things from this tire swing once the tire and Cutler get some practice time and develop some chemistry," receivers coach Darryl Drake said of the six-year-old Goodyear all-season radial suspended from a tree branch by a 7-foot length of rope. "This could easily be the best quarterback-receiver duo in recent Bears history." Analysts say that, while the move is somewhat unorthodox, Chicago was prudent in passing on veteran free agents Amani Toomer and Joe Jurevicius in favor of offering the tire swing a 3-year, $2.4 million contract. 
Boss Gets Into Groove After 3rd Round Of Layoffs #~# INDIANAPOLIS—After two earlier rounds of clumsy, uncoordinated layoffs, Wiley Advertising manager Hank Strauss finally hit his pink-slip-issuing stride Friday with the "effortless" dismissal of one quarter of his remaining workforce.
Common-Law Wives Of Pulaski County #~# BRAVO
Gated Community Interviews Dozens For Exclusive Drug Dealer Position #~# LOS ANGELES—After interviewing nearly 50 applicants, board members of Canyon Hills, a planned community in Southern California, are narrowing in on a candidate for the coveted position of resident drug dealer, sources said Tuesday. "It's been quite an involved vetting process, but we're close to finding someone who meets our very high standards," said film producer and high-grade cocaine connoisseur Michael Reiss, who has lived in the upmarket residential development for six years. "There are a lot of things to consider when choosing a narcotics supplier, such as whether this person will arrive promptly after being paged and keep his Escalade nicely washed and waxed. This is Canyon Hills, after all. We can't let just anyone in here." A board member who wished to remain anonymous said that the leading candidate is presently James Leach of Encino, CA, based largely on a glowing reference from a man known only as Skull.
Nation's Power Grid Hacked #~# According to The Wall Street Journal, the U.S. electrical grid has been compromised by Russian and Chinese cyber-spies, putting the country's infrastructure at risk. What do you think? 
Tim Duncan Hams It Up For Crowd By Arching Left Eyebrow Slightly #~# SAN ANTONIO—Spurs forward Tim Duncan engaged in a rare display of showmanship during Tuesday's win over the Thunder, punctuating a 10-foot jumper with a nearly imperceptible upward motion of his left eyebrow. "I saw him do it, and I was like, 'What! What was that?'" said teammate Michael Finley, who compared the display to a 2006 game in which Duncan gave the crowd an unexpected and nearly flamboyant thumbs-up. "We were playing pretty flat, but Timmy flickered his eyebrow like that and it energized the whole team. Everyone thinks he's so stoic, but he knows how to have a good time. Once, in the locker room, he almost winked. Wild." When asked about this display, Tim Duncan denied any intent to show anyone up and personally called every member of the Thunder organization to apologize.
Empowered Man Murders Controlling Wife In Lifetime For Men Original Movie #~# LOS ANGELES—The new made-for-television movie A Just Killing—the inspiring true story of a man who finds his own inner strength by murdering his needy, overbearing wife—premiered on Lifetime for Men this past Saturday, earning the network its highest ever ratings.
Blindfolded Panetta Shipped To Kabul In Hilarious CIA Hazing Ritual #~# WASHINGTON—As part of the agency's decades-long tradition of initiation, rookie CIA director Leon Panetta was gagged, blindfolded, and placed inside a large storage container bound for the war-torn capital of Afghanistan Friday. "You should have seen him—he was all, 'Guys, this isn't funny! Guys?'" outgoing director Michael Hayden said. "I can't wait to see the satellite photos of his face after they make him eat six goldfish, spin him around, and subject him to the aggressive interrogation techniques of Jalaluddin Haqqani. Plus, we wrote 'I Hate Arabs' all over his face in permanent marker." Although the 10 masked men who kidnapped Panetta from his Langley, VA office reportedly stripped him down before packing him into the cargo hold, sources said they did give him $10,000 cash and a 9 mm pistol.
Some Guy Who's Not Stephen Colbert To Deliver College's Commencement Speech #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA—Penn State students were devastated Monday to learn that their commencement speaker will be "some dork scientist" who discovered DNA, authored the groundbreaking book The Double Helix, helped establish the Human Genome Project, and is not late-night talk-show host Stephen Colbert. "This is so lame," said senior biochemistry major Beth Reiss, whose hero ever since she discovered her love for science has been Stephen Colbert. "We didn't work our butts off in the lab for four years to sit and listen to some brainiac without his own insanely popular television show." As of press time, the Nobel Prize–winning nobody was deliberating over perhaps opening his commencement speech with a joke.
25 Years Of WrestleMania #~# To mark the silver anniversary of the greatest show in sports entertainment, we recognize the most spectacular moments from professional wrestling's biggest stage:
Orlando Air Traffic Controllers Lack Experience #~# According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, 47 percent of air traffic controllers at Orlando International Airport are in training for certification. What do you think? 
Phil Mickelson Has Perfect Comeback If Tiger Woods Makes Fun Of Him For Being Left-Handed #~# AUGUSTA, GA—While warming up for the 2009 Masters Tournament, Phil Mickelson told reporters that he has come up with 'the perfect comeback' to use if Tiger Woods cracks a joke about his left-handedness. "Tiger likes to tease me, but this time I've got something ready for him—and let me tell you, it's a good one," Mickelson said during a press conference as he struggled to stop himself from laughing. "It's not corny or lowbrow or anything, either. No, I spent a lot of time thinking up the best possible zinger, and it's gonna get him right where it hurts. I bet he stops in his tracks and says, 'Ya got me.' And he'll be right, too." The exact nature and phrasing of Mickelson's comeback is not currently known.
Bill Bellamy Elected To Rock 'N' Jock Basketball Hall Of Fame #~# LOS ANGELES—In what many agreed was perhaps the surest bet in all of sports, former Violators player, coach, and all-around legend Bill Bellamy was elected to the Rock 'N' Jock Basketball Hall of Fame Tuesday.
Tax Preparation Tips #~# Apr. 15 is rapidly approaching, and if you haven't filed your taxes yet, you'd better get started on them. Here are some tips to help you through this tough time of year:
World's 467,357th-Ranked Tennis Player Working On Serving Overhand #~# WEST PALM BEACH, FL—During a practice match at the Riviera Golf and Tennis Club with his wife, Gail, Tuesday, 54-year-old Steve Cohen, the world's official 467,357th-ranked tennis player, attempted to teach himself how to serve overhand. "I can do backhands and forehands sometimes, but when it comes to serving, I just get more rallies going if I bounce it and hit it instead of trying to be fancy," said the professional tennis player, who has acquired .000000003 ATP points so far this year. "But I have to learn at some point. It's probably the only way I'll have any chance this weekend against [462,724th-ranked] Roy [Detmer]." Both Detmer and Cohen are slated to represent the United States in the Davis Cup this July. 
Inept Coworker Increasingly Difficult To Fantasize About #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Vesco Systems analyst Arthur Ingraham told reporters Monday that it has become extremely difficult for him to fantasize about having sex with coworker Melissa Poole, due to Poole's gross incompetence in the workplace. "Every time I imagine us staying late together, she always winds up deleting some important file just as we're about to do it," Ingraham said while re-creating a crucial spreadsheet that was corrupted by a virus Poole accidentally downloaded. "Not that she'd ever stay late anyway. She usually sneaks out by 4:30." Ingraham said that Poole's ineptitude has had the inconvenient side effect of causing him to spontaneously ejaculate anytime someone accidentally cc's the entire office on a confidential e-mail.
Press Allowed To Cover Return of Dead Soldiers #~# For the first time in nearly 20 years, the media was permitted to witness a casket containing the body of a dead soldier arrive on U.S. soil. What do you think? 
2008 Tax Records Reveal Sasha Obama Made $136 In Allowance Money #~# WASHINGTON—Sasha Obama testified before the Senate Committee on Finance this week after it was revealed that the second-grader had collected more than $136 in undisclosed allowance payments over the past year.
Celebrity Tax Deductions #~#  The only thing sure in life is death and taxes, even for celebrities.  Here are some of the deductions famous Americans are claiming this year: 
Stop Anthropomorphizing Me #~# I know this is going to come across a bit harsh, but I want to get straight to the point. Speaking on behalf of myself and all other completely nonhuman members of my species, I must insist that the practice of anthropomorphizing us stops right now.
Injured Manu Ginobili Only Flopping At 85% #~# SAN ANTONIO—Having returned Tuesday after missing 19 games with an ankle injury, Spurs guard Manu Ginobili expressed frustration with his level of play, saying that his ability to draw offensive fouls by flopping to the floor with little or no provocation was still only at "about 85 percent." "The ankle is healthy, but my flailing and splaying still aren't where they need to be," said Ginobili, who has begun to practice windmilling his arms and falling backward during shoot-arounds. "I'm used to throwing myself 10, sometimes 12 feet down court. At this point, I'm lucky if I'm getting 8 on a good flop. My wailing is good, but I need to be hitting the floor a lot harder than the guy hit me, if I was hit. I can't catch myself with my hands like I did in the second quarter tonight. That was bush league." Ginobili then flung himself out of the locker room, slid backward onto a bus, and tumbled wildly into his suburban home.
Chinese Takeout Restaurant Thought It Had Seen Man At His Worst #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Despite thinking that they had witnessed 28-year-old Dean Rumergant at his absolute lowest Monday, employees of the Jade Kitchen 2 restaurant realized their error Tuesday afternoon, when the weary freelance designer entered the Chinese eatery wearing a single shoe and a clump of dried duck sauce in his three-day-old beard. "Oh my God," said cashier Lin Zhou, who added that she initially thought Rumergant was a patient from the nearby methadone clinic. "He wouldn't look at me or say anything. He just pointed to menu on the wall and walked away." According to employees, Rumergant waited for his order by slumping down in the corner and resting his head on a collapsed stack of menus.
2 Billionth Netflix Disc Shipped #~# Online video rental source Netflix commemorated its two-billionth disc shipped, Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist, by giving the recipient a free lifetime subscription. What do you think? 
The Late Show #~# CBS
Chinese Takeout Restaurant Has Seen Man At His Worst #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Employees at the Jade Kitchen 2 restaurant reportedly witnessed 28-year-old Dean Rumergant at his worst Monday, when the unbathed and visibly exhausted freelance designer arrived at the Chinese takeout establishment at 10 a.m. and paid for his order of beef chow mein by placing seven crumpled dollar bills and half a cigarette on the counter. "He never looks too good when he comes in here," said cashier Lin Zhou, who added that she initially thought Rumergant was a patient from the nearby methadone clinic. "I think he had a piece of a straw wrapper stuck in his hair this time. He stinks really bad." According to the employees, Rumergant eventually shuffled out of the restaurant, started hacking uncontrollably, and spilled his food all over the sidewalk.
Panicked, Sweat-Covered Pope Reverses Longstanding Ban On Abortion #~# VATICAN CITY—Overturning 2,000 years of religious doctrine, an out-of-breath and visibly flustered Pope Benedict XVI announced Sunday that the termination of unwanted pregnancies was now "completely and perfectly acceptable in the eyes of God."
Ono Auctions Sky Puzzle For Autism #~# Artist and musician Yoko Ono is auctioning off a mural of the sky in 67 puzzle pieces to benefit autism research. What do you think? 
Cubs To Continue Tradition Of Playing Baseball #~# CHICAGO—The Chicago Cubs, an Illinois-based Major League Baseball club, has continued its rich tradition of sending nine players onto the field and engaging its opponents in games of baseball. "This is an organization with a storied history of taking the field for 162 games a year, sometimes slightly more," manager Lou Piniella said in a pregame press conference in which he reverently lauded the fact that, since 1870, Cubs players have been dutifully hitting, running, pitching, and playing defense on days when they have been scheduled to do so. "And I have a feeling that this is the year when we once again play about 162 baseball games." As per its custom, the team is also expected to wear distinctive uniforms. 
Two Dozen More Bodies Found In Lake Wobegon #~# LAKE WOBEGON, MN—Though local residents insist it has been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, MN, their hometown out on the edge of the prairie, state police officials descended on the small community Tuesday when another 24 corpses surfaced along its placid waterfront.
Cyrus Doesn't Want 'Hannah Montana' Sequel #~# Miley Cyrus, the singer and actress who plays children's favorite Hannah Montana, said that she can't see doing a sequel to her forthcoming film Hannah Montana: The Movie. What do you think? 
Archer Daniels Midland #~# CMT
White College Player Does Hair Before Game #~# DETROIT—Before playing in all of his games, North Carolina forward Tyler Hansbrough makes sure to look his most rakish by grooming and tidying his hairdo with a number of styling products. "Just a little more here," said Hansbrough, while applying coconut-scented Bed Head manipulating gel to meticulously form and shape his sporty coiffure. "Perfect." Moments after carefully putting on his jersey in a manner calculated not to disturb his hair, Hansbrough took one last look in the mirror before heading out to the court, where he missed pregame warm-ups for the 56th consecutive time.
Incredible 'Business-Man' Has Salary Of 10 Regular Men #~# CHICAGO—Sources in the Chicago metropolitan area confirmed Monday the existence of an extraordinary "business-man" imbued with the earning power and fiscal strength of 10 ordinary men. This invincible, superhuman associate is reportedly able to leap from assistant manager to vice president of operations in a single bound, and is believed to have a secret headquarters somewhere deep within the suburbs, where by night he assumes the identity of a mild-mannered family man. Sources claim the man draws his power from a special hand-tailored Italian suit that strikes fear into the hearts of rival equity firms everywhere. The only challenge to the business-man's dominance is reportedly his arch-nemesis, "the business-woman," whom he has kept trapped beneath a protective glass ceiling since 1973.
Study Finds Paint Aisle At Lowe's Best Place To Have Complete Meltdown #~# AUSTIN, TX—According to a study published Monday in the Journal Of Mental Health, the paint department inside a Lowe's Home Improvement Warehouse has surpassed the shelving section of Ikea as the location most conducive to having a total psychological breakdown.
Let's Go See The New Nicolas Cage Movie! #~# Hey, you know what I'm in the mood for? A movie. I, like any regular non-famous person, work my buns off Monday through Friday at my nine-to-five office job, and now that the weekend's almost here, it's time to do something fun. Something as fun as paying full-price to go see a movie. But not just any movie. I'm thinking a movie with an A-list Hollywood star at the top of his game. I'm thinking a movie with my favorite actor, Nicolas Cage. 
Hush Falls Over Prison Population As Madoff Stabs Cellmate In Throat #~# NEW YORK—Witnesses reported that a tense, grim silence fell over the cafeteria of the Metropolitan Correctional Center Monday as inmate No. 61727-054, Bernard Madoff, repeatedly stabbed a sharpened toothbrush into the jugular vein of his cellmate, Donald Orlando. Facing a life sentence for securities fraud, Madoff, 70, was reportedly restrained by six guards after he nearly decapitated Orlando with a series of vicious, powerful jabs to his throat. "That guy's loco, man," fellow prisoner Luis "Viper" Ortiz said. "Donnie should never have disrespected him. Everyone in here knows you don't cross Mad Dog." Officials would not confirm whether Madoff was responsible for a brutal incident last week in which an inmate was forced to bite down on a shower faucet and then repeatedly kicked in the back of the head. 
'ER’ Draws To Close #~# After 15 years, the NBC hospital drama ER is coming to an end tonight. What do you think? 
Great Comebacks From Injury #~# Tiger Woods recently returned from knee surgery and resumed his domination of golf by beating Sean O'Hair at the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Here are some other injured athletes who have refused to lay down and die: 
Sean O'Hair Gains Revenge By Angrily Masturbating To Tiger Woods' Wife #~# ORLANDO, FL—In a blatantly retaliatory act of self-gratification, Sean O'Hair avenged his disappointing loss in the Arnold Palmer Invitational by fiercely masturbating to the image of Elin Nordegren Woods from under the covers of his hotel bed Sunday. "See how you like it when I come from behind," said O'Hair, rubbing his penis furiously with his still-gloved hand while imagining the naked mother of Tiger Woods' children. "You might think I'm stuck in your bunker, but I'll find the hole and I'll get it in on the first try. And afterwards I'm going to use your lovely mouth as a ball washer." Sources close to O'Hair report that it took him fewer strokes to ejaculate than Tiger Woods.
Cheering Fans, Thrilling NCAA Tournament Disgust BCS Officials #~# DETROIT—Claiming that determining an unquestioned national champion through a playoff system "went against the very idea of sporting competition," and that the sheer exuberance of college basketball fans was "a shocking and nauseating display of everything wrong with collegiate athletics," top BCS officials roundly condemned the NCAA Tournament Monday.
New Report Calls For Radical Food Changes #~# A joint report from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Trust For America's Health calls for the appointment of a food czar and the creation of a food safety agency separate from the existing Food and Drug Administration. Here are some of the report's other food safety suggestions:
Historic Senator Robert Byrd Imploded In Controlled Demolition #~# WASHINGTON—Thousands gathered Monday to watch the demolition of Sen. Robert C. Byrd, 91, who was torn down after nearly five decades as a prominent Beltway fixture. At 2:30 p.m., the once-modern senator was strategically detonated with explosive charges, causing him to collapse in a cascading succession that drew loud cheers from those in attendance. "Sen. Byrd has been a beloved Washington institution for as long as most people in this city can remember," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said of the longest-serving senator in U.S. history, who was marked for implosion due to his leaky, dilapidated exterior and his failure to meet congressional health and safety standards. "But alas, the time has come to make way for a new generation of leadership." Sources reported that commemorative pieces of the legislator will be available for sale in the Capitol gift shop. 
Hefner Selling House Next To Playboy Mansion #~# Playboy founder Hugh Hefner is selling the house he owns next to the Playboy Mansion for nearly $28 Million. What do you think? 
The Real Housewives Of Mogadishu #~# BRAVO
Every Story In Local Police Blotter Concerns Jayson Williams #~# RALEIGH, NC—The police blotter in Monday's issue of The News & Observer contained instances of vandalism, shoplifting, public intoxication, disorderly conduct, aggravated assault, and loitering, all of which centered around former NBA star Jayson Williams. "Crime in the city has increased by 76 percent since Williams arrived early last week," Capt. T.L. Earnhardt of the Raleigh Police Department said. "In order to deal more effectively with the situation, the city is enforcing a strict 10 p.m. curfew for all visitors named Jayson Williams. He'll also have to wear an electronic ankle monitor." Following his conviction, Williams has been sentenced to eight weeks of anger management, 28 hours of community service, 33 years in prison, and the death penalty.
Bar Owner Cannot Fucking Believe He Actually Sponsored An Adult Kickball Team #~# ST. LOUIS—According to staff at the Paddle Wheel Tavern, owner Wayne Trimble, 48, admitted Thursday night that he had no goddamn idea why he ever decided to sponsor a team in an adult kickball league.
Obama Revises Campaign Promise Of 'Change' To 'Relatively Minor Readjustments In Certain Favorable Policy Areas' #~# WASHINGTON—In a slight shift from his campaign trail promise, President Obama announced Monday that his administration's message of "Change" has been modified to the somewhat more restrained slogan "Relatively Minor Readjustments in Certain Favorable Policy Areas." "Today, Americans face a great many challenges, and I hear your desperate calls for barely measurable and largely symbolic improvements in the status quo," said Obama, who vowed never to waver in his fight for every last infinitesimal nudge forward on the controversial issues of torture and the military ban on homosexuals. "Remember: Yes we can, if by that you mean tiptoeing around potentially unpopular decisions that could alienate a large segment of the populace." Washington insiders said that, while the new mottos are certainly in keeping with Obama's pledge of government transparency, they are significantly less catchy.
Man Realizes He Has No Interests #~# PALM COAST, FL—After attempting to fill out his personal profile on an Internet dating site, area resident Sam Stanger came to the conclusion Monday that he had no discernible interests, hobbies, or meaningful distractions to speak of. "I used to enjoy building birdhouses, but that was more than 20 years ago," Stanger said. "I don't know. TV, I guess?" Stanger reportedly plans to wander aimlessly around a local hobby shop this week until something sparks his interest.
'American Idol' Results Tainted? #~# AT&T, one of the biggest sponsors of American Idol, has been accused of skewing the results for winner Kris Allen by distributing mobile phones to his fan groups and teaching them how to cast mass text votes. What do you think? 
Stan Van Gundy Draws Up Play In Barbecue Sauce #~# ORLANDO—During a timeout in Game 4 of Tuesday's Eastern Conference Finals, Magic head coach and barbecue aficionado Stan Van Gundy used the rich, tangy sauce on his index finger to diagram an offensive scheme on his clipboard. "First off, you're going to stack up like…like this rack of ribs, and then you're going to outlet pass me that last piece of cornbread," said Van Gundy, motioning toward Mickael Pietrus while licking at the brownish-red glaze coating his mustache. "Turkoglu, I want you to set a screen where I've set these chunks of pulled pork to, uh, [unintelligible]—this small chunk of pulled pork—near the perimeter. Christ, that's good. Then Dwight [Howard], this chicken drumstick, should be open under the hoop." Although Howard was in fact open in the paint, the center missed the pass, as he was still partially blinded by barbecue sauce that had spattered from Van Gundy's mouth. 
Smoke Monster From 'Lost' Given Own Primetime Spin-Off Series #~# BURBANK, CA—Executives at ABC announced Monday that the network will premier a new Lost spin-off series this fall based around that show's popular smoke monster character. 
Oh, No! It's Making Well-Reasoned Arguments Backed With Facts! Run! #~# I…I think it's finally over. Our reactionary emotional response seems to have stopped it dead in its tracks. If I'm right, all we have to do now is smugly reiterate our half-formed thesis and—oh, no! For the love of God, no! It's thoughtfully mulling things over!
Parents Legally Change 9-Year-Old's Name To Better Reflect Current Pop Culture #~# EVANSVILLE, IN—Stating that it was fine, but not as contemporary as their daughter deserved, the parents of nine-year-old Britney Patterson have decided to legally change her name to something more in keeping with the times. "Britney just seems a little bit old-fashioned is all," mother Heather Patterson said. "We want our little girl to have all the advantages a name like Miley, or maybe Hannah, would give her." In addition to the name change, the Pattersons announced Monday that they were expecting their first son in July, tentatively named Twitter Efron Jonas.
Notable Indy 500 Crashes #~# 1911: At the very first Indy 500, race officials quickly realize all cars should drive in the same direction
Obama Announces Justice Nominee #~# President Barack Obama has chosen New York federal appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor to replace David Souter on the Supreme Court. What do you think? 
Investigators: Increasingly Likely That James Harrison Bit Own Son #~# FRANKLIN PARK, PA—Police detectives investigating an alleged dog-bite injury to James Harrison III, the son of Pittsburgh Steeler James Harrison, said that recent evidence suggests the linebacker became agitated by the toddler's crying last Wednesday and bit the child himself. "After carefully piecing together testimony from people at the scene, we believe witnesses were trying to protect Mr. Harrison, who after all is a creature of instinct and may not be responsible for his actions," Officer Mark Bendiger told reporters. "If that turns out to be the case, the legal liability will actually rest with Harrison's handlers. Linebackers can be an aggressive breed, and we've seen plenty of examples of how poorly trained and badly socialized James is in particular." James III is almost completely recovered and has been released from Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh, while his father has been quarantined at Animal, Linebacker, and Wide Receiver Control of McKees Rocks, PA.
Manny Ramirez To David Ortiz: 'Road Trip' #~# SOMEWHERE ALONG I-65—Best buddies Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz, both of whom find themselves at professional crossroads and both desperately wanting to rekindle their friendship, decided on Sunday that a soul-searching road trip was the key to resolving their personal problems.
Tyler Perry, Bounty Hunter #~# TBS
Changing Channel On Local Bar's TV More Of A Process Than Area Man Anticipated #~# CHEYENNE, WY—Although no one at the Bleachers Bar and Grill seemed to be paying attention to the television set, the act of getting bartender Brian Smith to press a button on a remote control and change its channel was somehow far more difficult than patron Arthur Klein had anticipated. "Boy, I don't know, that's going to be tough," Smith said following the simple, straightforward request. "That one's on the satellite and I don't really know how to use it. Plus some of the regulars might drop by a little later and they'll probably want to watch the ball game." When pressed again to change the channel, Smith reportedly told Klein that the bar didn't carry CBS. 
Brooke Shields Regrets Losing Virginity At 22 #~# In a recent interview, actress Brooke Shields said she wished she had come to terms with her appearance at a younger age so she could have had sex earlier. What do you think? 
Obama's New Fuel Efficiency Plan #~# Last week, President Obama announced a plan to lower automobile emissions by requiring new cars to average 35.5 miles per gallon. How can Detroit rise to meet the challenge?
The Oprah Winfrey Show #~# ABC
You Should Come Out To The Country House This Weekend And Envy My Family's Extreme Wealth #~# If you don't have any plans for the big weekend coming up, I've got a fantastic idea: Why don't you come join my family and me at our country house? You can spend a few days relaxing in the sun, taking walks through the vast and immaculately landscaped grounds, and feeling degraded and ashamed by your inferior station in life.
Mildfires Amble Through California #~# OJAI, CA—A series of mildfires ambled casually through California this week, lazily threatening nearby homes, warming helpless wildlife, and cozying up to almost everything in its path. "We barely evacuated our home in time," said resident Paul Krempel, whose backyard has been threatened by the loitering fire for days. "First, the boxes we ordered arrived a day late, and then there was a mix-up at the van rental place, which took forever. Plus, Margaret had to go pick up the kids from soccer practice before we could really start packing. It was definitely a close call." Firefighters have rushed to the scene of the mellow inferno and are currently sitting around it in lawn chairs, exchanging old stories and telling jokes.
Lower IQs Linked To Epilepsy Medication #~# Children of women who took the antiseizure drug valproate had lower IQs than those of women on other epilepsy medications. What do you think? 
Nation Refuses To Get To Know Hedo Turkoglu #~# CLEVELAND—Despite the TNT network's best efforts to acquaint its audience with the major players of the Magic-Cavaliers playoff series, the population of the United States has emphatically declined the opportunity to get to know Orlando's Hedo Turkoglu. "When I see one of those pre-produced packages about how he's from Serbia or wherever, I immediately mute my TV or change the channel," Atlanta resident Kevin Hazan said concerning the Turkish small forward. Added Portland, OR basketball fan Russel Carreras, "That little video of him listing all his favorite foods and making goofy faces just didn't grab me. I don't really care if he's a family man who helps out in the Orlando community. Actually, I don't care if he saves a thousand children from a burning fire. I just don't care to welcome Hedo Turkoglu into my home." In contrast to the nation's utter indifference toward Turkoglu, a TNT poll indicated that if given the choice, most viewers would still prefer to smack J.J. Redick right in the face.
KFC No Longer Permitted To Use Word 'Eat' In Advertisements #~# WASHINGTON—Issuing a condemnation of Kentucky Fried Chicken's recent Boneless Variety Bucket commercials, the Federal Communications Commission on Tuesday fined the fast food giant $600,000 and ordered it to discontinue all broadcasts containing "false and misleading suggestions" that its heated chicken products are intended for consumption.
In Attempt To Jump-Start Economy, Obama Declares Tuesdays Ladies' Night #~# WASHINGTON—As part of his administration's continued efforts to stimulate the economy and liven up a slow weeknight, President Obama announced today that, effective immediately, Tuesdays will be half-off for ladies nationwide. "It is imperative to our economic health that we inject capital wisely and get some blondes in here, preferably hot young ones," said Obama, who submitted a proposal before Congress to increase tube-top usage by 200 percent. "We can only escape this recession with the full cooperation of the American people—so ladies, please, bring your girlfriends. When did this country turn into such a sausage fest?" According to estimates by the Department of the Interior, the first national Ladies' Night will be attended by an estimated 117 million men and one bachelorette party.
Supreme Court Justice Application Asks For 3 Sample Opinions #~# WASHINGTON—The White House announced Tuesday that job seekers hoping to fill Justice David Souter's Supreme Court seat must complete an application that includes three sample court rulings, each citing at least two federal precedents. After listing their level of education and recent work history, all applicants must fill out the form with one majority opinion, one dissenting opinion, and one decision of their choice. "It's very important that a justice have hands-on experience with the Constitution, and this helps us get a feel for whether an applicant would be a good fit for our organization," President Barack Obama said. "It's okay to attach an extra sheet if you need more room." Obama added that interested parties should stop by the White House during normal business hours and ask for Rahm, who will give them a form they can fill out in the lobby or the coffee shop across the street.
Archie To Choose Betty Or Veronica #~# After nearly 68 years, a grown-up Archie Andrews will ask either Betty or Veronica for her hand in marriage in an upcoming issue of his eponymous comic book. What do you think? 
MLB Adjusts Drug Policy To Allow David Ortiz To Take Steroids #~# NEW YORK—Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced a new policy on performance-enhancing substances Wednesday that is expected to help former slugger David Ortiz, currently batting a dismal .203, to come out of his slump and return as a league-leading batter. "We have amended the rules of the game to allow David [Ortiz] to use any performance enhancer he can find, as baseball is pretty boring when he's not hitting home runs," said Selig, who added that Ortiz could be suspended for 50 games under the new policy if drug tests show he is not taking any previously banned substances. "What David is doing right now is wrong, and this season could damage his reputation forever. The game of baseball needs him to do the responsible thing and superhumanly whack balls over the fence whenever possible." Moments after the announcement, Ortiz smashed through the conference doors with needles hanging from several different areas of his body and crushed Selig with a brutal thank-you hug, killing him instantly.
Report: Increasing Number Of Educators Found To Be Suffering From Teaching Disabilities #~# WASHINGTON—A shocking report released by the U.S. Department of Education this week revealed that a growing number of the nation's educators struggle on a daily basis with some form of teaching disability.
Magic Game Plan To Out-Basketball Cavaliers #~# ORLANDO—Although many NBA analysts are saying the more talented and defensively dominant Cavs are certain to win the Orlando-Cleveland series, Magic players and coaches are confident that LeBron James and his supporting cast can be out-basketballed. "I really think we can basketball better than they can over the course of a long series. We already basketballed better than they basketballed in two games this year," Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy said. "We have to concentrate on basketballing patiently on offense and not over-basketballing it when we're under our own net, meanwhile taking advantage of their tendency to under-basketball on transitions. So, if we're smart and stay composed, then, yes, these guys can certainly be out-basketballed." Van Gundy would not comment on whether or not his team would be outscored.
Radiohead Denies Influencing Local Band #~# DAYTON, OH—Although they admit the Dayton-area group may have taken its name from a line in "Karma Police," the members of Radiohead held a press conference in Ohio Monday to dismiss allegations that they played any role in helping to form the musical style of local band Hitler Hairdo.
Roadside Driving Range #~# GOLF
Senior Center Restocks On Rum Raisin Ice Cream #~# PRESCOTT, AZ—Residents of the Prescott Senior Center were pleased on Tuesday to learn that a new order of rum raisin ice cream had finally arrived. The ice cream, purchased from a nearby supermarket, had been out of stock for two weeks. "It was time to get more rum raisin ice cream," activities director Rich Diaz said. "Friday's coming up, and that's rum raisin ice cream night." Diaz said the center had experimented with other flavors, but pineapple coconut was deemed too sweet by most of the seniors, and the multiple flavors of Neapolitan just confused them.
Guantánamo Closure Delayed #~# By a margin of 90-6, the Senate voted down funding to relocate the 240 inmates being held at Guantánamo Bay to facilities on American soil. What do you think? 
Struggling 'Pittsburgh Post-Gazette' Asks Sidney Crosby To Cover Penguin Playoff Series #~# PITTSBURGH—Immediately following an interview Wednesday with Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reporters handed their notepads, cameras, and press passes to the Penguins captain and asked him to cover the Eastern Conference Finals. "You'll be there already, right?" said sportswriter Dave Molinari, assuring Crosby he would receive the newspaper's standard $85 in compensation for each freelance article accepted. "It would save the paper a lot of time and money is all. Just remember to spell-check, because there's no real Sports editor anymore." Crosby graciously accepted the position despite misgivings that it may place extra stress on him during the conference finals and while finishing the cooking articles he was assigned for Tuesday's Lifestyle section.
New Netpix Service Sends Unlimited Photographs For Monthly Fee #~# LOS GATOS, CA—With millions of images to choose from, the new online service Netpix—which allows users to receive up to three pictures at a time for a monthly fee—has quickly become the most popular photograph-rental company in the country.
Guantánamo Detainee Ruled Not Mentally Fit To Testify About Psychological Torture #~# WASHINGTON—In its first major hearing on the use of abusive interrogation tactics at Guantánamo Bay, a blue-ribbon panel found detainee Omar Khadr mentally unfit to testify about his years of psychological torture. "Because of Mr. Khadr's fragile state due to unknown hours spent under the most brutal, mentally straining conditions, he cannot be trusted to speak competently on his own behalf," said Rep. Kit Bond (R-MO), the panel's chairman. "It is unfortunate that someone with such intimate knowledge of the horrors of waterboarding, stress positions, and induced hypothermia is so emotionally unstable. He bursts into tears at even the mention of mock torture." Bond added that Khadr's confession of planning 9/11, the London train bombings, and the Iranian hostage crisis would be kept on the record.
Swine Flu Season Is Really Flu-ing By! #~# Paging Dr. Dudek! Paging Dr. Dudek! You're wanted in the OR to perform an MRI and EKG on REO Speedwagon ASAP! A-OK?
Senior Prank Somehow Leaves High School With Increased Math Funding #~# TEXARKANA, TX—A prank in which seniors at West Texarkana High arrived for first-period classes with their shirts and pants on backward has somehow resulted in a $50,000 increase in funding for the school's math program, bewildered administrators announced today. "We'd like to thank the state superintendent, I guess, and also the fine folks at Texas Instruments for all those brand-new graphing calculators," vice principal Ed Guerrero said during his morning announcements. "I'd send everyone home and make them change, but maybe we should wait and see whether our computer lab gets remodeled first." The incident comes on the heels of last year's district championship by the debate team, after which the school's football program mysteriously had its entire budget cut.
Championship Teams At The White House #~# The championship winner's White House visit is a hallowed tradition, but some have gone more smoothly than others. Here are some of the most memorable:
Allen Settles With American Apparel #~# Filmmaker Woody Allen reached a $5 million settlement with American Apparel after suing the clothing manufacturer for unauthorized use of his likeness from Annie Hall on a billboard. What do you think? 
Celtics: 'That Was A Reasonable Amount Of Time To Be In The Playoffs' #~# BOSTON—Boston head coach Doc Rivers expressed disappointment Monday in being eliminated in the second round of the NBA playoffs, but deemed the Celtics' four weeks of postseason play to be "plenty." "You never want to go home early, but we aren't exactly doing that," said Rivers, who noted that the Steelers and Phillies spent four weeks winning their respective championships. "Last year it took us 59 days to win the NBA title, which actually seemed too long. A couple of times against the Pistons I forgot what we were even doing. Playing a month's worth of playoffs seems a lot more reasonable." In other news, the Magic have expressed confidence in their ability to beat the Cavaliers over the course of the next two months.
Preakness-Winning Filly An Inspiration To Women Who Want To Win Preakness #~# BALTIMORE—By becoming the first filly to win the Preakness Stakes in 85 years, thoroughbred Rachel Alexandra inspired millions of women Saturday to believe that they too could one day win the legendary horse race. 
The Mythological Adventures Of Giant Christine #~# CBS
Monument Designer To See If Some Other Country Wants To Buy Rejected War Memorial #~# LEESBURG, VA—Explaining that her design is not necessarily war-specific, Claire Dunham has begun shopping around a rejected memorial she originally created to honor soldiers who lost their lives in the first Gulf War. Dunham told reporters Monday that the monument is suitable for any conflict or skirmish a nation wishes to remember, and can be installed at a park or battle site anywhere in the world. "This is a real nice monument, and it's just sitting here," Dunham said. "The great thing is, it's modular. You can put these pillars as far apart as you need to in order to accommodate a lot of names, or close together to honor a few." Dunham went on to say that there was no reason an interested party couldn't cross out a few words in order to make it an air disaster memorial or a Little League victory statue.
Scorsese To Direct Sinatra Biopic #~# Director Martin Scorsese has signed on to helm a movie about the life of singer Frank Sinatra. What do you think? 
Texas Constructs U.S. Border Wall To Keep Out Unwanted Americans #~# WICHITA FALLS, TX—Calling it an essential step toward securing the Texas border and protecting his people's way of life, Gov. Rick Perry announced Tuesday the completion of a 1,953-mile wall designed to keep out millions of unwanted Americans.
Social Security, Medicare Running Out Of Money #~# A combination of the floundering economy and the increasing number of retiring baby boomers could completely drain Medicare by 2017 and Social Security by 2037, both earlier than had been predicted. What can people do to ready themselves?
I Realize I Haven't Been The World's Best Star Of 'Criminal Minds' Lately #~# There comes a time in every man's life when he needs to stand up and face the music. A time when he must walk right up to that mirror and ask some very difficult questions of himself. Things have not been great recently. I know it, you know it, we all know it. And while it's true that I haven't exactly been Mr. Perfect Star of CBS's Criminal Minds lately, I can assure you that all of this is going to change. 
New Prescription Fish Tank Eliminates Need For Glasses While Looking At Fish #~# SAGINAW, MI—Executives at Poseidon Aquatic Enclosures announced Monday the launch of a new line of made-to-order fish tanks that can be outfitted with customers' individual vision prescriptions. "How many times have you misplaced your eyeglasses yet still wanted to look at your fish?" company spokesperson Ian Barnes said of the new corrective tanks, which are available in sizes up to 100 gallons. "Never again with the new IchthyOptic System. Whether you have a slight astigmatism or need a bifocal tank to simultaneously look at your tiny gobies and large plecostomus, Poseidon can provide you with a crystal-clear fish-viewing solution." Barnes said the company is also developing a line of fish tanks that will incorporate Transitions-brand automatic tinting technology, which will eliminate glare when looking at fish outside on sunny days.
Economy Has Bottomed Out #~# White House budget chief Peter Orszag said that with April consumer prices stable and production declining at a slower rate, the worst of the recession is over. What do you think? 
Steelers Jersey Worn To Pirates Game #~# PITTSBURGH—Despite the football season having ended nearly five months ago, and the absence of Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward from the Pirates' 40-man roster, local resident Heath Janoski, 28, wore Ward's No. 86 Steelers jersey to Wednesday night's Pittsburgh Pirates–St. Louis Cardinals baseball game. "I don't really own any Pirates stuff," said Janoski, who also brought a Terrible Towel and a "Cleveland Sucks" billboard to the nine-inning contest. "I think I had a Pirate Parrot doll when I was younger, but I'm pretty sure I ripped its head off when they didn't make the World Series in 1992." With the Pirates up to bat in the bottom of the third inning, Janoski started a "Here we go Steelers" chant which was immediately taken up by the 13,000 fans in attendance and repeated sporadically throughout the rest of the game. 
I Can Open That With My Teeth! #~# CBS
Area Woman Worried She's Forgetting What Heath Ledger Looked Like #~# LAFAYETTE, LA—A little more than a year after Heath Ledger's tragic death, 36-year-old Petra Rowe struggled Thursday to clearly remember the late actor she once held dear. "I'm starting to forget the little things," Rowe said. "The corners of his smile, his eye color, the way he combed his hair. And just the other day, I tried to remember him in Lords Of Dogtown, but all I could think of was him in A Knight's Tale. Oh, God, if only I had bought more magazines while he was still with us." In order to make the most of what precious memories remained, Rowe sat down to write out everything she remembered about the actor to pass on to her children.
Cow Genome Outlined #~# After six years of work, 300 scientists have unraveled the bovine genome, which may lead to better milk and meat production. What do you think? 
Bill Laimbeer Reverently Elbows Chuck Daly's Coffin Into Grave #~# JUPITER, FL—Beloved NBA and Olympic coach Chuck Daly, who passed away May 9 after a battle with pancreatic cancer, was laid to rest by family and friends yesterday in a quiet ceremony at which a visibly moved and weeping Bill Laimbeer respectfully hard-fouled Daly's casket into its final resting place with a savage and reverent elbow. "That's for teaching me to have respect for myself and never give up, Coach," Laimbeer said as Daly's pallbearers, including former Pistons John Salley, Joe Dumars, and Rick Mahorn, sprawled back on the grass with their arms outstretched and looked to the funeral director for a whistle. "Thank you, Mr. Daly, for making me the man I am today." The otherwise touching ceremony was marred only by an outburst of emotion from Dennis Rodman, who threw himself into Daly's grave and writhed sobbing on the coffin while tearing at his black silk wedding dress.
Department Of Labor Spends $40 Billion To Create One Amazing New Job #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to stimulate economic growth and boost the confidence of the American workforce, the federal government has allocated $40 billion to create one unbelievably mind-blowing new job, Labor Secretary Hilda Solis announced Monday.
Alabama Nights #~# FOX
Gwendolyn Monroe Mourns Death Of Ex-Husband Dom DiMaggio #~# LOS ANGELES—As news of Dom DiMaggio's death spread throughout the baseball world, few took the news as hard as the former Red Sox's one-time wife, 84-year-old librarian Gwendolyn Monroe. "He was sullen, but not too sullen," said the somewhat homely Monroe, who changed her name from Gertrude Ann Mortenson in the 1950s. "He was really there for me when I checked out of the hospital after that migraine, and he was so supportive when I married my third husband, Arthur [Mueller]. And I think that, more than anything, Dom would want to be remembered for the 34-game hitting streak he had in 1949. That was really something." Monroe refused to comment on her alleged affair with then–vice president Lyndon Johnson.
Area Mom, Jerry To Wed #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Mom, 54, is evidently going to marry Jerry, the guy she's been seeing for over a year now, family sources reported Monday.
Grandmother's Folksy Sayings Delay Senility Detection For Years #~# CLARE, MI—Despite losing the last of her mental faculties in 2004, Mary Parise, 89, avoided being committed to an elder-care facility until just last week, when her children discovered her down-home turns of phrase were in fact the senseless ramblings of a senile woman. "We would have taken her to a specialist sooner, but you know how Mom's always saying, 'I reckon I'll stay where I am as long as the good Lord's willing and the rooster don't break bread with a jackass,'" daughter Karen Parise said. "For years she's been calling my son 'Buster Brown' and telling him he's so bowlegged he couldn't hem a hog up in a ditch. I assumed it was a term of endearment, but now I don't think she actually recognizes any of us." Parise's children told reporters they also believe their grandmother's diet of uncooked beans and cornstarch is not in fact "a Great Depression thing."
The Man With No Gun #~# CBS
Craigslist Stops Running Erotic Services Ads #~# In light of recent controversy, including the case of the "Craigslist killer," the Internet classified service announced it was eliminating its erotic services category. What do you think? 
Ron Artest Tells Reporters He Lives For The NBA Playoffs, Coconut Shrimp #~# LOS ANGELES—With his team down 3-2 to the Lakers in the Western Conference Semifinals, Rockets forward Ron Artest explained in a postgame interview Tuesday that he lives for the pressure and excitement of the NBA Playoffs as well as a plateful of sweet, crunchy coconut shrimp. "That's why I'm here. This is what it's all about," Artest said while dunking one of several jumbo-sized postgame coconut shrimp into a cup of piña colada dipping sauce. "I love the NBA. I really love it. Just as I love coconut shrimp." Basketball commentators have responded to Artest's claims by saying they are "really in the mood for coconut shrimp."
Nike Introduces New Intercourse Shoe #~# BEAVERTON, OR—In yet another first for the world's premier athletic footwear manufacturer, Nike announced Tuesday the nationwide launch of the Air Fornicator, a lightweight copulating shoe designed to maximize sexual performance. 
Israeli PM Debuts New Road Map For Continued Strife #~# JERUSALEM—In a historic speech before the U.N. Tuesday, newly elected Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu unveiled a comprehensive plan to extend political discord and senseless violence in the Middle East through the next 25 years. Key elements of the 60-page road map include a symbolic and ultimately fruitless 2010 regional summit, a tenuous cease-fire that will be violently broken mid-autumn by an as-yet-unnamed splinter group, a series of hope-shattering assassinations, and two untimely comas. "I intend to lead the nation of Israel out of this senseless, bitter fighting and chaos, and into a new era of organized, carefully thought-out fighting and chaos," Netanyahu said. "If Israelis and Arabs work together, we can put off lasting peace indefinitely." Sources close to the prime minister indicated that Netanyahu would be willing to consider Palestinian statehood if such a move led to a full-scale Mideast war.
Ask A Wife Helping Her Husband Back A Camper Into A Park Site #~# Dear Wife Helping Her Husband Back a Camper into a Park Site,
Life Choices Leading Area Man To Career In Self-Storage #~# ATHENS, GA—Unbeknownst to struggling sculptor Thomas Cleary, 28, several of his life choices are inevitably leading him closer to a career in the self-storage industry. "I wanted to focus more on my art, so I moved into a cheaper place in this neighborhood full of old warehouses," said Cleary, whose now lives conveniently close to Strobel's Mini-Storage and—because of his decisions to withdraw from college in 1999 and break off an engagement last year—will eventually apply for a job there. "Hopefully I'll save enough on rent to pay back what I owe [ex-fiancée] Susan. I'll probably still need to find a way to supplement my income, though." Although Cleary is powerless to avoid his future occupation, he will quickly be promoted to manager thanks to his preternatural ability to hand out metal keys.
Statue Of Liberty's Crown Reopening #~# Beginning July 4, the crown of the Statue of Liberty will be open to the public for the first time since Sept. 11, 2001. What do you think? 
Tiger's Slump #~# Despite one great come-from-behind tournament win, Tiger Woods has not been the same golfer since returning from surgery. Some signs he's not at his peak:
Brett Favre Mails Arm To Vikings #~# HATTIESBURG, MS—Retired quarterback Brett Favre mailed his throwing arm to the Vikings Tuesday, sending the record-setting limb to the team's headquarters for evaluation in hopes of signing with Minnesota. "I made sure to bubble-wrap it, and I stuck a couple big chunks of dry ice in the envelope, so it should be fine," said Favre, who sent the appendage after the Vikings expressed health concerns with the potential signing of the 39-year-old quarterback. "Once the Vikings examine it, I'm sure they'll find that my throwing arm has no structural damage. The doctors who cut it off said it looked great." According to James "Bus" Cook, Favre's agent, the three-time MVP is unlikely to come out of retirement if the Vikings believe that his amputated throwing arm will require major surgery. 
Manny Ramirez: 'Am I In Trouble?' #~# LOS ANGELES—According to his teammates, his coaches, and the media, Manny Ramirez has appeared visibly confused and anxious since receiving a 50-game suspension for violating Major League Baseball's drug policy, and has repeatedly asked those around him if he is in some sort of really big trouble right now.
Eating For One #~# NBC
Bitchy Girlfriend Just Asking For Anne Hathaway To Swoop In, Steal Man Away #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—According to concerned sources, Jill Sagert, 29—a prissy, uptight lawyer who doesn't realize what a great guy her boyfriend Rich is—might as well be begging actress Anne Hathaway to walk into his life and scoop him right up. "Jill better stop acting like such a prim little bitch and start taking an interest in Rich's music, or that gorgeous A-list celebrity is going to win his heart when he least expects it," friend Diane Lineman said. "She better hope Rich never bumps into Anne Hathaway at a bookstore, because once they get over their initial dislike of each other and are forced to overcome some obstacle together, they will undoubtedly realize they're a perfect match." Others close to Sagert said that, unless she wisens up soon, she will probably end up with that sleaze ball Colin Farrell.
Graduating Seniors Face Bleak Job Market #~# With the country in the grips of a deep recession, college students will be graduating in a bad job market. What do you think? 
Detroit Mayor Throws First Brick In Glass-Breaking Ceremony For New Slum #~# DETROIT—As community leaders and members of the press looked on, Detroit mayor David Bing proudly hurled the first brick this week in a window-shattering ceremony for the city's newest dilapidated slum.
Revitalizing The GOP #~# The defection of Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter from the Republicans to the Democrats has left the GOP without enough members to filibuster, and served as a wake-up call to the party.  
There's Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself, And Also Me, The Ghost Of Franklin Delano Roosevelt #~# My fellow Americans, it is time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. We must not shrink from honestly facing the harsh economic conditions in our country today. This great nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. And so, I wish to reassert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
Military's Gay Policy Being Reevaluated #~# The Obama administration is in the early stages of revamping the policy for gays in the military. What do you think? 
Report: Majority Of Pay Phone Conversations Begin, End In Tears #~# WASHINGTON—A new study by the Federal Communications Commission has determined that as many as 81 percent of all calls made over pay phones start and conclude with uncontrollable sobbing. The report, published Monday, surveyed a wide sample of public telephone conversations, nearly all of which began with the phrase "Please don't hang up, oh God," and devolved into unrestrained bawling on the part of one or both participants. The FCC's report also confirmed that the remaining 19 percent of pay phone calls are wrong numbers caused by frantically misdialing one's parole officer, ex-girlfriend, bookie, or AA sponsor.
Cash-Strapped Indy 500 To Charge Dollar-A-Lap Toll #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Financially challenged race organizers announced Wednesday that participants in the 2009 Indianapolis 500-Mile Race will be required to pay a $1 toll each time they cross the fabled Brickyard's start-finish line. "We have begun construction of tollbooths across the track that will allow drivers to stop and pay their tolls four-wide," Indianapolis Motor Speedway owner Tony Hulman George said. "The outside booths off the racing line will be the dollar booths, accepting cash only, and the ones down low where the track is faster will be an extra quarter, which will add an exciting element of strategy to the race as well as generating cash we could really use at this point." Teams will also be given the option of paying $150 for a no-stop "Indy SpeedPass," which will allow them to go through the booth situated on the racing line at speeds of up to 35 mph.
Cool Magnet Tricks #~# A&E;
Classmates.com Employees Don't Have Heart To Tell CEO About Facebook #~# SEATTLE—Employees at Classmates.com—an online service that enables users to find and communicate with people from their past for a monthly fee—have done everything in their power to keep the company's CEO from finding out about the wildly popular social networking site Facebook. "He knows something is going on," Classmates.com web coder Josh Krzysch said while combing his boss's newspaper and removing any offending articles. "The other day he asked me why people aren't interested in getting in touch with old friends anymore, and I told him that the Internet just isn't very popular right now. What else was I supposed to say?" Employees claim that unless things somehow miraculously improve by next month, they plan to quietly pack up their desks and leave in the middle of the night.
NASA Running Out Of Fuel #~# NASA is running short of plutonium-238, the fuel needed in deep space missions, because nuclear warhead production has slowed dramatically since the end of the Cold War. What do you think? 
Cute Kid Given Foul Ball Actually A Little Shit #~# LOS ANGELES—Though 7-year-old Aaron Edwards is in fact a miserable little shit who constantly picks on his younger sister and talks back to his parents, Dodgers third-base coach Rich Donnelly gave him a foul ball Tuesday night after being conned by the cuteness of the snot's oversized baseball mitt and loose-fitting, ear-enveloping Dodgers cap. "Had I known that Aaron doesn't share his toys and has a history of teasing the dog, I never would have given him the ball," Donnelly said in a postgame press conference, adding that perhaps he should consider giving people foul balls based on their good manners instead of their appearance. "But when you see a kid looking that adorable, especially one with chocolate ice cream stains on his face, there's no way you think that he spent the last inning throwing a temper tantrum about how the sun was too bright and he wanted to go home even though his father paid good money for tickets." When asked for comment, Edwards hid behind his father's legs, although sources confirmed the little shit wasn't nearly as shy last Saturday when he repeatedly kicked Jessica Ross, 7, in her shins. 
Chicken-Shit Asteroid Veers Away At Last Minute #~# TUCSON, AZ—Though initial calculations showed it to be on a direct collision course with Earth, a pansy-ass asteroid approximately the size of Rhode Island has instead altered its trajectory to avoid the planet by more than 40,000 miles, astronomers at the University of Arizona reported Monday.
Royals Unable To Find Themselves In Standings #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Players and executives with the 16-11 Royals filed a grievance with MLB officials Tuesday after they could not find themselves anywhere in the league's official standings. "We looked in all the usual places: third place, fourth place, even fifth place, and we didn't see our name anywhere," said Royals GM Dayton Moore, who added that he even peeked at the AL West standings to see if perhaps the team had been moved to a different division. "I could have sworn we'd been playing really well this year. Why would Commissioner Selig try to hide us? Did we do something wrong? Let me see that paper again." Moore explained that he and everyone in the front office were "very curious" to see Kansas City's other baseball team, which is currently in first place.
Area Man First In His Family To Coast Through College #~# MINNEAPOLIS—At first glance, Daniel Peterson seems no different than any other student: Wearing a ball cap, he's spent most of the evening browsing YouTube. Soon his buddies will stop by with a six-pack, and they'll pass the time recounting exploits from their recent spring break on South Padre Island. Though his peers might take nights like this for granted, Peterson can never forget those who came before him and paved the way for his educational neglect. 
Mainstream Media At It Again, Bloggers Report #~# NEW YORK—The mainstream media—a loose consortium of corporate news outlets known for using professionally trained journalists who adhere to an editorial process—have once again completely missed the boat in their reporting of national events, outraged sources within the blogosphere said Monday. "When will the MSM dinosaurs realize that they're TOTALLY irrelevant?" wrote 39-year-old part-time librarian James Last, commenting on coverage of Obama's first 100 days in a scathing post that appeared on his blog, The LAST Word. "If the idiots at MSNBC, The New York Times, and WaPo could lift their heads from the money trough for a minute, maybe they'd write a story that's not completely driven by the corporate agenda. I'm not holding my breath." Right-wing bloggers were reportedly equally upset, with many singling out MSNBC, The New York Times, and The Washington Post as "shills" for the liberal agenda. At press time, an estimated 8.4 million bloggers nationwide were watching CNN.
Concert Security Guard Would Willingly Give His Life To Protect Coldplay #~# CHULA VISTA, CA—Twenty-four-year-old security guard Ian Moran told reporters Tuesday that he would gladly lay down his life to protect the members of Coldplay during their upcoming show at the Cricket Wireless Amphitheatre. "I hope it doesn't come to that, but if [lead singer] Chris [Martin] is in danger, it's my job to take a bullet for him if I have to," said Moran, who has been struck in the head by beer bottles on three separate occasions while protecting Good Charlotte, Ozzy Osbourne, and Sheryl Crow, respectively. "A secure Coldplay concert is bigger than just one man." Coworkers said Moran started taking his responsibilities very seriously after a 2006 show at which he was unable to prevent overzealous fans from stealing Tim McGraw's cowboy hat, an incident for which he has never forgiven himself.
Michael Savage Banned From Britain #~# Conservative radio personality Michael Savage has been included on a list of people unable to enter the U.K. for allegedly promoting hate, his name appearing alongside those of extremist Muslim clerics and members of the Russian mafia. What do you think? 
Tim Duncan Begins Summer Job At Apple Genius Bar #~# SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan returned to his summer job at the Apple Store Genius Bar Monday, where he provided technical support during his eight-hour shift by diagnosing problems, troubleshooting software issues, and repairing people's computers, iPhones, and iPods. "I can't stress to our customers enough that they really need to make multiple backups of their data," said Duncan, who has worked at the San Pedro Avenue location for the past three summers. "A lot of times we can retrieve files from a crashed hard drive, but you shouldn't rely on that. Also, you can increase the battery life of your laptop if you shut it down when you're transporting it from one place to another." Duncan has also offered to take a shift for fellow Apple Genius David Atwood on Saturday, saying it would be a shame for his coworker to miss Game 3 of the Nuggets-Mavericks Western Conference Semifinals.
Two And A Half Men #~# CBS
Vindictive Movie Studio Threatens To Make 'Coyote Ugly' Sequel #~# BURBANK, CA—Telling the movie-going public that it had "better start falling in line," executives at Touchstone Pictures announced Monday that if they do not immediately see a significant increase in box-office receipts they will not hesitate to produce a sequel to the 2000 film Coyote Ugly.
Hey, Dave, Do You Know A Jack Spencer? #~# So, Dave, I'm thinking Natilli's on Crawford Avenue for lunch today. You know the place with the green awning that just opened up near Culp's Nursery? Holly and I decided to go there on a whim for dinner a couple nights ago and we really enjoyed it. Really enjoyed it. Good menu, not too dressy, definitely more on the business casual side of things. You don't need a jacket or anything. 
Sun Goes Out For A Few Seconds #~# TUCSON, AZ—Officials at the Kitt Peak National Observatory are saying that, while the short period of utter darkness and intense cold was distressing, there is "no immediate cause for alarm" over the sun's six-second outage Monday. "We're not sure what caused our sun, which is in essence a self-sustaining fusion reaction, to defy science and just go out for a moment like that, but I wouldn't worry too much," astronomer Stephen Pompea said. "There is a slight chance it could repeat, like sunspot activity, a more common—whup! There it goes again. You seeing this? Kind of weird how it—okay, back on." Observatory personnel said they would give their full attention to investigating the phenomenon as soon as they figure out why last night's moon was blood red and took up half the sky.
College Sports Cutbacks #~# As the economy founders, we look at some of the ways the athletic departments of our nation's universities are tightening their belts: 
Newest Kindle May Change Textbook Market #~# The recently introduced Amazon Kindle DX, a larger-screened version of the popular electronic reader, is expected to change the way college textbooks are bought and sold. What do you think? 
New Book Alleges There Was One Day When A-Rod Didn't Take Steroids #~# NEW YORK—Selena Roberts, author of A-Rod: The Many Lives Of Alex Rodriguez, has made a number of fresh allegations against the Yankee slugger in her new biography, most notably that on December 11, 1997, Rodriguez did not put any type of performance-enhancing substance into his body. "Everyone knows that Alex has taken steroids every day of his adult life, and anyone who says otherwise is being irresponsible or just lying to you," said Yankee manager Joe Girardi, who testified to personally watching the third baseman inject himself with an anabolic substance every day for the past year and a half. "I don't care what some journalist says—anyone who knows Alex knows he has put every conceivable steroid and hormone cocktail into his body every single day since he started high school. And probably before then. That's just the kind of guy he is." When asked directly about Roberts' book, A-Rod finished an injection into his buttocks, swallowed a handful of pills, and categorically denied every allegation. 
Slashed Ticket Prices Allow Lesser Nobility To Attend Yankees Games #~# NEW YORK—Dukes, barons, viscounts, and earls are applauding the Yankees' recent decision to cut prices on dugout and foul-line field-level seats in half, from as much as $2,500 per game down to an amount the minor houses consider far more reasonable. 
Bonotheism #~# CNN
12 Publicists Dead, 43 Injured In Struggle To Transform The Rock Into Dwayne Johnson #~# LOS ANGELES—According to reports, another dozen publicists are dead in what talent managers are calling a minor victory in the ongoing struggle to rebrand The Rock as Dwayne Johnson. "We lost a lot of good men and women ensuring our client was addressed only as Dwayne Johnson during his Good Morning America appearance this week," said head PR strategist Nate Schaumberg, who has overseen the bloody campaign for years, beginning with the moderate aim of promoting the actor as Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. "Soon, the whole world will know the name Dwayne Johnson." The Rock is a professional wrestler best known for his seven WWE titles.
Men's Health Department Proposed #~# Reps. Barron Hill (D-IN) and Tim Murphy (R-PA) introduced legislation that would create an Office of Men's Health within the Department of Health and Human Services. What do you think? 
Shirtless Biden Washes Trans Am In White House Driveway #~# WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the warm spring weather Monday, Vice President Joe Biden parked his 1981 Trans Am in the White House driveway, removed his undershirt, and spent a leisurely afternoon washing the muscle car and drinking beer.
Kerry Begins Newspaper Hearings #~# In light of recent newspaper closures, Sen. John Kerry is holding hearings this week about the struggling print journalism industry. Here are some of the reasons given for its decline:
Kids, Your Mother And I Are Getting Divorced When You Least Expect It #~# We need to talk.
Shadow Government Getting Too Large To Meet In Marriott Conference Room B #~# COLUMBUS, OH—With its membership swelling in recent months, the mysterious organization that secretly pulls the levers of American power was forced to suspend its weekly meeting Monday, having grown too big to fit inside Marriott Conference Room B. "To successfully carry out our clandestine operations and continue maintaining the ignorance of the masses, we will now require the full amenities of Conference Room A," said an unidentified man, who is believed to have covertly orchestrated the economic collapse of Iceland last year. "We must postpone the Cataclysmic Event until such time as a more comfortable meeting space is available." According to confidential records, the hidden regime's enrollment has more than doubled since it gained free access to the Marriott's swimming pool and gym facilities.
Disease Hoping To Be Named After Ballplayer #~# BRANDON INGE—A thus-far undiscovered hantavirus inhabiting Tigers third baseman Brandon Inge confessed Tuesday that it would love to seriously afflict and be named after a "real-life baseball player." "I imagine I'll be given an uninspiring medical classification, like hantavirus pulmonary syndrome, but I would love to be commonly known as Joe Mauer's disease," the virus said while increasing Inge's vascular permeability in order to bring about pulmonary edema and simultaneously disrupt the player's renal system. "Hopefully I don't get discovered in this guy before I get a chance to infect someone really good, like Justin Verlander. My dream is to cause massive splenomegaly and eventually tachycardia in Albert Pujols, but I don't even know if that's possible for a virus like me, so for now that's all it is—a dream." The virus went on to idly inhibit B cells in the shape of Derek Jeter.
China Quarantines Mexicans #~# Hoping to contain the swine flu, China is rounding up visitors from Mexico and holding them in conditions that Mexican government has described as "unacceptable." What do you think?
New Television Show #~# NBC
Misbuttoned Coat Makes Perfectly Sane Woman Look Like Raving Lunatic #~# SEATTLE—After improperly buttoning her Gap wool-blend peacoat Monday morning, leaving 6 inches of excess material flapping down by her left leg, Hillary Wagner, 26, was transformed from a typical sane-looking woman into a shrieking asymmetrical loon. Wagner, a claims adjuster, reportedly did not notice her mistake before greeting coworkers, offering what was intended as a friendly "hi" but was, due to the visible bulge around her midsection, viewed as an attack. "My first thought after seeing her was, 'Who is this psychotic street person roaming around the office? Has society collapsed?'" boss Bob Waksberg said of his encounter with the half-crazed derelict. Fellow employees reported seeing a waxy red substance on Wagner's teeth, possible evidence that the maniac had just used her canines to rip out the jugular vein of another human being.
Harness Racing Movie Contends Life Is Like Harness Racing #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a recent interview about his movie Loosing The Hopple, screenwriter Jason Chesley said that his story of a young harness racer's relationship with his horse and their struggles to shift from a pacing to a trotting gait before eventually winning the storied Hambletonian is actually a metaphor for life. "It's less a harness racing movie than a deeply human story of relationships and personal struggles that just happens to have harness racing in it," said Chesley, who compared his protagonist's struggles with hoppling his horse Whole Enchilada to the universal struggle of shedding the yoke of childhood and growing up. "Life isn't always a garden trip. You're being carried along in the sulky of fate with only your Standardbred and your wits, and when you're boxed in, third on the rail, well, those are the times you dig down, move into the pocket, and trot yourself right out of that death hole." Though Chelsey was coy concerning most plot points, he did confirm that his protagonist's encounter with Messenger, the horse from which all harness racing horses were bred from, was a metaphor for God.
8.5% Of Young Video Gamers Addicted #~# The May edition of the journal Psychological Science contains a study that says 8.5 percent of young gamers play so much that it interferes with their schoolwork and may cause health problems. What do you think? 
Nation Ready To Be Lied To About Economy Again #~# WASHINGTON—After nearly four months of frank, honest, and open dialogue about the failing economy, a weary U.S. populace announced this week that it is once again ready to be lied to about the current state of the financial system.
Stat-Minded Player Recalculating VORP Before Every At Bat #~# TORONTO—Always mindful of his contributions on offense, Blue Jays shortstop Marco Scutaro has been observed determining his precise value over replacement player (VORP) before every at bat. "Let me see here…. Subtract hits from my total number of at bats, okay, and multiply the league's current average runs per out by my total number of outs so far this year, which is 57. Bring in the old Marginal Lineup Value, and just quickly normalize the numbers with the park factors," Scutaro said to himself while writing mathematical equations in the dirt next to the on-deck circle. "Carry the one. That leaves me with an 8.8, I think. Nice." Scutaro then struck out on three consecutive pitches.
Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship #~# PORTLAND, OR—After dating for nearly three years, area couple Peter Mazursky and Janet Hyams have finally achieved the perfect semblance of a mother-son relationship, sources close to the pair revealed Monday.
Substitute Preacher #~# ABC FAMILY
NBA To Introduce Last-Second Shot Clock #~# NEW YORK—In a move intended to create some semblance of excitement and add dramatic finishes to every game, NBA commissioner David Stern announced Monday that the league would implement a last-second shot clock during the 2009–2010 season to ensure all games end on a nail-biting buzzer-beater. "Our research indicates that last-second shots are popular, fun to watch, and increase the perception of close competition in basketball," Stern said. "Therefore, a clock with a single second remaining will be placed in every arena, where it will increase tension throughout the contest. It will only begin to count down when the last player with the ball takes his final shot at the end of regulation. If he makes the shot, his team will win." The league is also considering adding a 24-second traveling clock for the 2010 season. 
Supercomputer On 'Jeopardy' #~# IBM, the company that built master chess computer Deep Blue, is working on a new machine that developers hope can participate in Jeopardy. What do you think? 
Sherpa Who Led Neil Armstrong To Moon Dead At 71 #~# ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Phurba Dorje, the lunar Sherpa guide who blazed the trail for the Apollo 11 astronauts and made it possible for Neil Armstrong to become the first white man to set foot on the moon, died peacefully in his sleep Monday in his Florida apartment. He was 71.
King Of Pop Dead At 12 #~# LOS ANGELES—Michael Jackson, a talented child performer known for his love of amusement park rides and his hobby of collecting exotic animals for his Neverland Ranch, died from sudden cardiac arrest Thursday at the age of 12. The prepubescent singer, who enjoyed playing dress-up and often referred to himself as "the King of Pop," was celebrated for his naïve exuberance and his generosity toward other children. "This is a terrible loss for music and for all of us," brother Jermaine Jackson said. "He had so much potential to blossom into a gracious and mature human being. As it is, the world will never know the genius Michael Jackson might have become had he grown up." The singer leaves behind a large body of hits, 25,000 unopened toys, and nearly $400 million of debt.
Michael Jackson Dead #~# Singer Michael Jackson died yesterday at 50. What do you think? 
Twitter Creator On Iran: 'I Never Intended For Twitter To Be Useful' #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Creator Jack Dorsey was shocked and saddened this week after learning that his social networking device, Twitter, was being used to disseminate pertinent and timely information during the recent civil unrest in Iran. “Twitter was intended to be a way for vacant, self-absorbed egotists to share their most banal and idiotic thoughts with anyone pathetic enough to read them,” said a visibly confused Dorsey, claiming that Twitter is at its most powerful when it makes an already attention-starved populace even more needy for constant affirmation. “When I heard how Iranians were using my beloved creation for their own means—such as organizing a political movement and informing the outside world of the actions of a repressive regime—I couldn’t believe they’d ruined something so beautiful, simple, and absolutely pointless.” Dorsey said he is already working on a new website that will be so mind-numbingly useless that Iranians will not even be able to figure out how to operate it.
Pirates Want Everyone In Pittsburgh To Stop Staring At Them #~# PITTSBURGH—On the heels of the Steelers' Super Bowl victory in February and the Penguins' Stanley Cup win last week, members of the fifth-place Pirates have asked the 320,000 residents of Pittsburgh to please stop giving them expectant, impatient looks. "Look, we know, okay? We know," Pirates shortstop Jack Wilson told reporters Wednesday, adding that staring really isn't necessary or even polite. "I can assure you it's not helping matters." Wilson said he looked forward to getting back for Tuesday’s home game against the Indians, as PNC Park is the only place where the citizens of Pittsburgh leave the team alone. 
Robert Pattinson Hit By Taxicab #~# Harry Potter and Twilight star Robert Pattinson was hit by a cab while trying to avoid fans in New York City. What do you think? 
Brandon Phillips Nibbling On Pretzels While In Field #~# CINCINNATI—Claiming he just needed "a little something to nibble on," Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips brought out a glove full of miniature Rold Gold pretzels as a "between-pitches snack" during Tuesday night's game against the Braves. "Let's get 'em, guys," said Phillips, who perfectly timed his crunching with the crack of the bat to remove any suspicion. "Whattayasay now, infield! Let's turn two, let's, mmm, is that honey mustard?" Phillips was later marked with an error after scooping up a ground ball and accidentally showering shortstop Alex Gonzalez with a handful of pretzels while taking a bite out of the game ball.
Awful Man Offers Witty, Acerbic Take On Everything He Sees #~# ROCKVILLE, MD—Local resident Alan Bower's particular brand of sardonic, no-holds-barred commentary about everything around him has firmly established the 31-year-old policy writer as an absolutely terrible person who is always ready to crack a joke, sources reported Monday.
Detroit Lions Begin 8-Month Megacamp #~# ALLEN PARK, MI—New Detroit head coach Jim Schwartz opened the Lions' first-ever megacamp Monday with a speech welcoming his players, outlining the goals he wanted the team to reach by February, and telling them ten-a-days would begin immediately. "This is a rebuilding year for the Lions, so I think we should spend the entire time training as hard and for as long as possible," Schwartz said while acknowledging that holding an extended megacamp meant the Lions would forfeit all the games in the 2009 season. "I know that means we probably won't improve on last season's record, but we have to think of the long term here." Players who were late to the megacamp were fined their first game check plus $1 billion.
The Bachelorette #~# ABC
Area Man Maps Out Drinking Strategy #~# POCATELLO, ID—Leaving no part of his evening of inebriation to chance, real estate broker Kyle Burtz meticulously laid out his drinking strategy Saturday night, from the number and type of drinks and the time needed to consume them, to the amount of money he would take with him to ensure a burrito on the walk home. "At approximately 8:30 this evening, I will eat precisely two Stouffer's french bread pizzas to properly line my stomach for the 4.5 beers I will imbibe at Shakey's Pub," Burtz said. "From there, I will fastidiously adhere to a single kind of alcohol—provided there is not a special on Jameson—and complement every drink with a glass of water, until such time as I see fit to stumble into the parking lot and throw up on a small shrub." Burtz' strategy did not reportedly contain a contingency plan for his friend Jon buying everyone shots at 12:30 a.m. 
Milton Bradley To Give Every Second Out Ball To Fans So He Doesn't Look Like An Idiot #~# CHICAGO—Since catching a one-out fly ball and prematurely giving it to a fan during Friday's loss to the Minnesota Twins, Chicago Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley has vowed to continue the practice, claiming that it's his "new thing." "Um, giving fans baseballs with two outs and runners on base is something I've always wanted to start doing," Bradley told reporters after Wednesday’s game against the White Sox, during which he cost the Cubs at least three runs. "It has nothing to do with me being a big idiot who doesn't pay attention to how may outs there are or anything like that. I'm a professional baseball player. Of course I know how many outs there are. Come on. Seriously." Cubs manager Lou Piniella has benched Bradley indefinitely, but said it was mainly for his disappointing batting average. 
Benefits Extended To Federal Employees’ Domestic Partners #~# President Obama signed a memo that expanded benefits to domestic partners of federal employees, including same-sex couples. What do you think? 
Investigators Determine Air France Disaster Caused By Plane Crash #~# PARIS—After more than two weeks of analyzing flight records, cockpit radio transmissions, and floating ocean debris, investigators determined Thursday that the tragic events of Air France Flight 447 were in all likelihood caused by a "giant plane crash." 
Kung Fudge! We Lost Another Great Actor! #~# Item! It always breaks my heart to be the one to deliver news like this, but Kung Fu and Shane: The Series star and acting legend Davy Caradine died in a hotel in Bangkok. This is a tragedy for those of us who were hoping he would make a television comeback with Shane: 2021, but it's doubly tragic because it was so preventable. 
People-Watcher Catches Glimpse Of Rare North American Black Doofus #~# AKRON, OH—After sitting for nearly three hours in his usual spot behind a café window downtown, people-watcher Peter Mitchell was thrilled Thursday to log a rare sighting of a North American Black Doofus. The Doofus, described by Mitchell as young and spazzy with prominent spotted plumage, was at first concealed by three much more common Suited Dill Weeds, but the people-watcher was afforded an unobstructed view once the Dill Weeds left the scene to pursue a flock of Large-Breasted Skanks. "Shhhh, don't frighten it," whispered Mitchell, awestruck by the exceptional specimen. "Now, if you look right behind him there, you'll see a Chinese Cross-Dresser. They're rare enough to spot on their own, but it's almost unheard of to see these two in the same habitat." Mitchell took note of the sightings in his people-watching notebook, a behavioral tic that is apparently common to the Squatting Coffee-Shop Creep. 
Team USA's World Cup Stumbles #~# As qualifying rages on, we look at Team USA's hapless World Cup history.
Human Trafficking On The Rise #~# The global recession has led to an increase in the number of people victimized by forced labor and sex slavery. What do you think? 
Rangers Win Stanley Cup 15 Years Ago #~# NEW YORK—After 54 years of waiting, the New York Rangers finally won the Stanley Cup 15 years ago, defeating the Vancouver Canucks four games to three in 1994. "As long as I live I will never forget this moment," Rangers' captain Mark Messier, who recently confirmed he had not forgotten the moment in the intervening decade and a half, said at the time. Coach Mike Keenan is remembered to have added that the victory "[was] for the greatest fans in the world. This definitely[might have been] the start of a new Rangers dynasty! I can't wait to meet President Clinton. Let's go Rangers!" The 2009 Pittsburgh Penguins had no comment about the year 2024.
Kobe Bryant Proves He Can Win Championship With Luke Walton On Team #~# ORLANDO, FL—With the Lakers' 99-86 victory over the Magic in Game 5 of the NBA Finals, Kobe Bryant silenced critics by achieving what most had thought impossible: winning an NBA title with Luke Walton on his team. 
Live From The Artists Den #~# WNET
New Hampshire Passes Law Forcing Old People To Watch Gays Marry #~# CONCORD, NH—Less than two weeks after legalizing gay marriage in the state, New Hampshire legislators enacted a new law Tuesday making it mandatory for persons over the age of 60 to attend three same-sex weddings every year for the rest of their lives. "Beginning July 1, all senior citizens must publicly condone gay unions by RSVPing to the rainbow-colored invitation, putting on nice church clothes, and spending an afternoon celebrating the wedded bliss of two men or two women who like to have sex with each other," bill H.B. 437 read in part. "Any grandparent who refuses to weep joyously when the grooms kiss may be subject to harsh penalties." Gay marriage advocates are already protesting the new statute, which they say unlawfully forces homosexuals to have gross old people at their weddings.
Letterman Apologizes To Palin #~# Talk show host David Letterman apologized to Alaska governor Sarah Palin for insinuating her daughter was impregnated at a New York Yankees game. What do you think? 
Obama Announces Plans To Run For McCain's Senate Seat In 2010 #~# PHOENIX—Saying that it is time for change to come to Arizona, President Barack Obama on Tuesday formally announced that he will run for Senate against John McCain in the 2010 election.
Kim Jong Il's Successor #~# North Korean president Kim Jong Il recently named his 25-year-old son Kim Jong Un as the nation’s next leader. What qualifications does Kim’s youngest son bring with him?
Duh…I'm Stupid! vs. No! That's Not Me! #~# Hey, everybody! I'm Rick Mahoney and I am so stupid. I'm the dumbest person on the planet. Durr, durrr, my brain is so tiny and small, I can't even tie my own shoes. Oops, I just pooped my pants. I don't even know what a toilet is. Just about the only thing I do know is that my name is Rick Mahoney, and my Internet password is "kiteflyer14."
Single Diner In Empty Restaurant Asked To Move To Smaller Table #~# CHICAGO—Citing the upcoming lunch rush, Golden Griddle waitress Kathy Perry interrupted Derek Whamey's meal Monday to ask him—one of four diners in the restaurant—to move to a smaller table. "If nobody's gonna be joining you, hon, we'll just scoot you over to one of those little tables over there," Perry said as Whamey gathered his water, orange juice, and Diet Coke glasses to move them across the room. "You're alone, right? Okay, just let me know when you need the check." Whamey then continued to eat his meal alone. 
60-Year-Old Hippie Pitied By 40-Year-Old Punk #~# SAN FRANCISCO—After spotting Dave Coleman, a 60-year-old with a graying ponytail and a frayed Hot Tuna shirt sitting on a bench in Golden Gate Park, 40-year-old punk rocker Brian Patterson said Tuesday that he felt sorry for the aging hippie. "He's just living in the past when the world has obviously moved on," said the middle-aged Patterson, adjusting the spiked leather collar on his neck. "Guy needs to act his age, 'cause nobody cares about that shit from 20 years ago. God, what a sad, out-of-touch loser." According to nearby sources, both the 60-year-old hippie and the 40-year-old punk were later pitied by a 30-year-old raver sitting barefoot in the grass. 
Vaccine Rejectors Put Kids At Risk #~# Though children who go unvaccinated for whooping cough are 23 times more likely to contract the illness than those who get their shots, many parents are still choosing to forgo immunization for their kids. What do you think? 
Bassmaster Somehow Has Huge Comeback #~# KENTUCKY LAKE, TN—Despite being behind in the catching of fish going into the final segment or round or whatever of last weekend's Bassmaster event, angler Steve Kennedy was able to come from behind to win, presumably by catching more or larger fish at what must be assumed was the last minute. "This was one of the best displays of clutch fishing I have ever seen," said Bassmaster.com reporter Doug Grassian, who is almost certainly an expert in this area. "Keep in mind that he had to contend with a fog delay and encroaching spectator boats. Also, it's amazing that [approximately 300 words omitted], all told this man dug deep down the stretch and came through at the end to show us all what being a Bassmaster really means." Experts are still debating whether or not the performance will change the very definition of bassmastery.
So You Think You Can Dance And Maintain A Well-Balanced Stock Portfolio #~# FOX
Film About Little Guy Battling Huge, Morally Bankrupt Organization Made By Huge, Morally Bankrupt Organization #~# LOS ANGELES—A new motion picture about a resilient underdog who somehow finds the courage to take on a giant, faceless corporation was released Friday by 20th Century Fox, a giant, faceless corporation. "We are just so proud of this wonderful film that shows anything is possible with a little persistence," said Fox executive Janet Taylor, who used her company's unbridled wealth and influence to effectively bury two independent movies opening the same weekend. "This incredible can-do spirit is something you don't see enough of this day and age." Taylor then excused herself to go inform 2,000 Fox employees that they no longer had jobs.
Chatter Down 10 Percent #~# NEW YORK—The usage of common baseball chatter, including phrases like "Heybattabatta" and "Swingbattabatta," is down among teams at all levels by 10 percent, according to a report released by the Elias Sports Bureau Wednesday. "It's difficult to determine why Americans would not want to slightly alter their voices and yell, 'Whaddayasaynowkid'," said ESB analyst Edward Coffey, noting that Little League Baseball, traditionally considered the most important development area for chatter, recorded only 8.9 million instances of banter, patter, and other team-centric commentary this May, well down from last year's 12.7 million. "It could be the economy or the general state of the world, as chatter was down almost 30 percent during the recession of the early '90s. Then again, in the Great Depression we saw an outpouring of hundreds of novel forms of chatter. It's entirely possible chatter is entering a whole new era." In related news, chatter specifically for David Ortiz has dropped 90 percent.
Mountain Dew's New 'World Of Warcraft' Beverages #~# Mountain Dew has released World Of Warcraft–branded "game fuel" in Horde Red and Alliance Blue. What do you think? 
Report: 90% Of Waking Hours Spent Staring At Glowing Rectangles #~# PALO ALTO, CA—A new report published this week by researchers at Stanford University suggests that Americans spend the vast majority of each day staring at, interacting with, and deriving satisfaction from glowing rectangles.
Roy Halladay Gives Press Conference To Empty Room #~# TORONTO—Immediately after pitching a complete game shutout for his league-leading 10th win Sunday, Blue Jays ace Roy "Doc" Halladay retired to the Rogers Centre press room to take questions from the complete lack of reporters in attendance. "I feel pretty good right now, and I want to keep that going," said Halladay, directing his comments toward a stack of folding chairs that had not even been set out. "Doc, do you feel that your amazing start has been flying completely under the radar?" asked Halladay in a deep voice somewhat resembling that of Toronto Star columnist Richard Griffin, before responding that he expected no accolades for his 43 career complete games, 141 career wins, 1,375 career strikeouts, 2003 Cy Young award, or incredible durability. Halladay, upon asking and therefore receiving no further questions, stood up, looked around the room for a long moment, and slowly walked back to the clubhouse.
Middle-Age Center Provides Safe, Positive Place For Fortysomethings To Go After Work #~# OMAHA, NE—Responding to a need for after-work recreation and support programs for area adults, The Den, a local middle-age activity center, opened last month to provide a fun, encouraging environment where 40-to-60-year-olds can interact with others their own age. 
I-70 Truckers #~# HISTORY
Machiavellian White House Groundskeeper Gaining Influence Among West Wing Staff #~# WASHINGTON—In one of the most startling horticultural power plays to strike the executive branch in years, conniving groundskeeper Irv Williams is gaining sway over the West Wing staff, anonymous sources said Tuesday. The 83-year-old has reportedly used his favor to place aides in prime gardening posts, silence hostile landscapers, and manipulate his way into daily classified security briefings. "It started with a few tiny water elms along the edge of the property, and then there was a koi pond, the zinnias, and that ficus he gave [Press Secretary Robert] Gibbs," said one source, peering over his shoulder. "Now he's taking late night meetings with the attorney general to address 'concerns' he has about the president's ability to pick perennials. Christ have mercy on every last one of us." Sources close to Williams said he will stop at nothing, or when he gets a new watering can.
Miss California Loses Crown #~# Controversial Miss California Carrie Prejean lost her title for contract violations that included missing official pageant events. What do you think? 
Orlando Assistant Coach Patrick Ewing Counsels Dwight Howard On How To Lose NBA Title #~# ORLANDO, FL—Since the NBA Finals began, Magic assistant coach Patrick Ewing has been sharing his vast knowledge of how to lose the title with Dwight Howard, carefully but emphatically advising the center to concentrate on making crucial mistakes if he wants to put his team in the best position to lose. "Dwight, if you want to misdominate this series, you have to get creative with those turnovers and be willing to commit stupid technical fouls," Ewing said Monday, encouraging Howard to expose his ballhandling deficiencies by dribbling as much as possible. "You gotta be soft in the paint. You gotta waste energy. Let them push you around and box you out. And if you get the ball, drive as hard as you can toward the sidelines and look for the panic pass." Ewing reportedly stayed after practice to help Howard work on throwing the ball away and missing free throws.
Underfunded Scientists Force Lipstick-Covered Rat With Cancer To Run Through Maze #~# SONOMA, CA—Scientists at the severely underfunded HLM Research Laboratories announced plans Monday to have the facility's one remaining rat, Mendel, now cancer-ridden and covered in lipstick, run through a maze several hundred times.
FDA To Regulate Tobacco #~# The Senate passed a bill that would allow the Food and Drug Administration to regulate the sale of cigarettes and would prohibit the use of terms like "light" and "low tar" in packaging. What do you think? 
This Space Camp Looks A Lot Like Fat Camp #~# Wow. I can't believe I'm really here. When I told my parents that I wanted to go to space camp, I never thought they'd actually agree. Especially not after they took me to see that doctor and he said that if I didn't lose some weight this summer I might end up getting diabetes. Mom and Dad seemed pretty concerned after that. But, hey, here I am! Ready to learn all there is to know about the stars and the comets and the universe at Planet Thin! 
Historically Bad Sportsmanship #~# LeBron James raised some eyebrows when he walked off the court without shaking hands with the Magic, but it was hardly the worst display of sportsmanship ever seen.
Bee Stuck Between Screen Door, Front Door Going Fucking Nuts #~# HUNTSVILE, AL—Users of the front door at 1418 Sycamore Avenue report the appearance of a common bumblebee ricocheting back and forth between the front and screen doors in a manner described as "pissed." According to witnesses, no one has been able to ascertain how the bee became trapped between the two portals, but it is totally losing it and will absolutely sting someone if it gets out, most likely in the eye. "Look at the size of that thing," homeowner Tony Paris said. "He's just going nuts. Just fly out of there, bee, come on." At press time, the bee was resting for a moment before resuming flipping the fuck out.
Following 300th Victory, Randy Johnson Returns Healthy Back To Local Man #~# SAN FRANCISCO—After recording his 300th career victory on June 4, Giants pitcher Randy Johnson returned the back he had borrowed for use in the game to its rightful owner, Mountain View, CA resident Craig Rowin. "I'm just happy he kept his word and returned it," said Rowin, who complained that after trading backs with Johnson he was unable to physically lift himself from his living room couch for an entire week. "Every time I sneezed, it felt like broken glass moving around in there, and sounded like an industrial-sized sheet of bubble wrap being popped. My own back isn't even that great to begin with, but still, I'm glad it could play a small part in baseball history." After reading an ad on Craiglist, Rowin has also offered to lend his rotator cuff to user pedro-mart193847765@craigslist.org.
Nation Desperately Seeks Sportswriters' Opinions On Kobe Bryant #~# LOS ANGELES—As Kobe Bryant leads the Lakers against the Magic in the NBA Finals, fans are seeking the expert views and insights of top sportswriters for help in formulating an opinion on the 11-time all-star.
America's Next Top Model #~# CW
More People Committing Insurance Fraud #~# According to the National Insurance Crime Bureau, suspicious vehicle fires are up 27 percent, staged car accidents are up 34 percent, and suspicious slip-and-fall claims are up 60 percent. What do you think? 
Elderly Man Skipping Work Uses 'Dead Grandson' Excuse Again #~# SARATOGA, FL—Arousing the suspicions of his boss, senior fry-cook Harold Mason, 72, cited the death of yet another grandchild in order to leave work early Thursday. Records showed that Mason has already missed 12 days of work this year, six of which were marked as sick days, and the remainder as funeral services for his late grandchildren, Johnny, Timmy, Susie, Bobby, Ricky, Johnny, and Harold, Jr. "I'm beginning to think he just likes taking a long weekend," said manager Jason Holmes, adding that the Korean War veteran's decedents have a way of dying on inventory days. "I don't know who he spends his time off with, anyway. His wife died last year on his birthday." Holmes went on to say that if Mason doesn't start taking his job at Sonic seriously, he will probably be demoted back to roller-skate waiter.
Michelle Obama's Arms Meet With Sri Lankan Refugees #~# VAVUNIYA, SRI LANKA—In a rare diplomatic trip overseas, first lady Michelle Obama's arms visited the largest refugee camp in Sri Lanka this week, bringing hope and comfort to countless victims of the nation's 26-year civil war.
Landmark Gay Rights Cases #~# With eight states now having legalized same-sex marriage, gay rights have come a long way in the past 100 years. Here are some court cases that have marked key victories for the movement:
But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them #~# I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?
Mom Really Funny Today #~# KENSINGTON, MD—Local teens James Ripley, 17, and David Ripley, 14, expressed surprise today when their mother, 47-year-old Cynthia Ripley legitimately made them laugh on several occasions within a 24-hour span. "I didn't know Mom could be funny." said James, who described his mother's usual attempts at humor as "not funny." "When she was on the phone with Aunt Linda [Generro], she was making all these hilarious 'I'm crazy' faces, and when Dad dropped the remote she was like 'smooth move, George Clooney.' She was really funny." The matriarch's comedic run will reportedly end during dinner, when she picks up the salad tongs and pretends to play them like a guitar.
'Billy Elliot' Wins 10 Tonys #~# With 10 awards, the musical of the film Billy Elliot dominated the 63rd Tony Awards. What do you think? 
Orioles' Top Prospect Wins World Series In First Major-League At Bat #~# BA:LTIMORE—Widely hailed as his franchise's best prospect in years, catcher Matt Wieters fulfilled all expectations last Friday with his first major-league at bat, leading the Baltimore Orioles to their first World Series championship since 1983. "It's an incredible feeling—I'm happy I've lived up to everyone's expectations," said Wieters, who has also retroactively led the Orioles to three division titles and a pennant in the last five years. "Just to step in there in a May game against the Tigers and come back to the dugout with a World Series trophy, an MVP award, and three Gold Gloves? I haven't felt this good since I was voted to the All-Star Game as a sophomore in high school." Wieters became the first rookie to win back-to-back world championships in his second at bat before grounding out in the fifth.
Nightline #~# ABC
17-Year-Old Thinks She's Getting Into Photography #~# EUGENE, OR—After wasting an afternoon taking pictures of a broken tricycle, moss on trees, and the shadow of a wrought-iron fence, Churchill Alternative High School senior Jessica Ivers falsely informed family and friends Saturday that she was getting into photography. "I love the way real film looks," said Ivers, who has owned the old single-lens reflex 35 millimeter camera for exactly one week, and named as her favorite photographers "probably Diane Arbus" and the French guy who took the picture of the boy with the wine bottle. "I'm really fascinated by textures, and I think I'll be able to get some good shots of my grandma's hands this weekend." Sources close to Ivers expect the camera to join her clarinet and yoga mat under her bed once she pays $14.85 to develop the roll of clumsy, overexposed images.
Palm Pre Released #~# Dubbed by some as "the iPhone killer," Palm released its Sprint-exclusive touch-screen phone, the Pre on Saturday. What do you think? 
Adrian Gonzalez Asks If You Happen To Know Who Current Home Run Leader Is #~# SAN DIEGO—While relaxing at well-known San Diego sports pub the Tilted Kilt, grinning Padres slugger and current home run leader Adrian Gonzalez awaited your response Monday after asking if you knew who the current home run leader is. "I'll give you a hint," said Gonzalez, who proceeded to turn around and point his thumbs at the name on the back of the jersey he wore to the bar. "Nothing? He's got 22 home runs. Still no? Come on, you know him. He looks like me, acts like me, talks like me. Last name rhymes with Zongalez. I bet you're pretty excited that he's talking to you right now." Your guess of Ryan Howard was wrong. 
New Terminator Movie Brings J.D. Salinger Out Of Hiding #~# CORNISH, NH—Famed literary giant and notorious recluse J.D. Salinger, who has not published any new work since 1965, came out of hiding Monday to gush about the new film Terminator Salvation, offering the world its first glimpse into his private life since his last interview nearly 30 years ago.
Food! Food! Food! #~# NBC
Allegations May Tarnish Derrick Rose's Academic Achievements #~# CHICAGO—An NCAA report released Monday alleging altered grades on high school transcripts and a fraudulent SAT exam could forever blemish the record Bulls point guard Derrick Rose achieved during his two semesters at the University of Memphis. "This has disturbing implications for the academic legacy of the Tigers' basketball program and is an upsetting matter for our fans, all of whom would be utterly devastated to learn that a player was admitted to this institution without meeting its minimum scholastic requirements," said University of Memphis spokesperson Henry Jackson, who added that the school has always emphasized education. "That one of his grades in high school might have been changed from a 'D' to a 'C' is a painful thing to hear for all those who followed Rose's grade point average so closely and trusted him to add to the wealth of human knowledge." Rose has also refused to acknowledge accusations that he did not attend any classes during the spring semester of his freshman year. 
Pathetic Man Thinking About Maybe Taking Some Sort Of Class Of Some Kind #~# DUNDEE, IL—Hoping to get out more and expose himself to new things, pathetic man Eric Mayhew, 48, is considering taking some sort of sad little class somewhere, the longtime office worker said Monday.
Abortion Doctor's Murder Sparks Waves Of Calm, Rational Discussion #~# WICHITA, KS—The cold-blooded murder of late-term abortion doctor George Tiller, 67, who was gunned down last week by a pro-life activist during services at a local church, has ignited a firestorm of thoughtful, quiet debate about the practice of abortion. "When I saw how [Dr. Tiller] was shot in the head at point-blank range, I couldn't help but think, 'Maybe the other side has some logical points worth listening to,'" pro-choice activist Melinda Brody said. "I have a feeling this senseless act of violence will help resolve the divisive reproductive-rights issue once and for all." Brody also said she's encouraging doctors across the country to double the number of late-term abortions they perform in hopes of provoking even more open and rational dialogue.
American Lighters #~# TLC
Presidential Radio Address Pledge Drive In Its Final Day #~# WASHINGTON—Host President Obama and special guest Ed Begley, Jr. hunkered down in the Oval Office with a phone bank full of Cabinet member volunteers Friday for the final day of the annual presidential radio address pledge drive. "We've been saying it all week, folks: The deployment of more troops to Afghanistan, the spending of billions to bail out the banks, the podcast—these things you've come to depend on from this weekly address do not pay for themselves," Obama said as he loosened his tie and sipped from a coffee mug. "It's never too late to show your commitment to the United States by donating at the hundred-million-dollar level, and as our thanks, we'll send you a stylish presidential radio address messenger bag. Remember, we get our support from listeners and incredibly wealthy taxpayers like you." A Republican-response pledge drive will reportedly kick off Monday, as the GOP tries to raise enough donations to permanently shut down NPR.
Kobe Bryant Puppet Finds LeBron James Puppet Dead In Apartment Bathtub #~# LOS ANGELES—Upon returning to his apartment fresh off advancing to the NBA Finals, Kobe Bryant Puppet discovered his roommate and rival, Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James Puppet, lying dead in their bathtub. Los Angeles police officials stated there was no evidence of foul play, as the deep lacerations on James' felt wrists appeared to be self-inflicted. "I knew he was upset about losing to the [Orlando] Magic, but I never thought he would do something like this," the shocked and fabric-based representation of Bryant told reporters, his facial expression stoic and his eyes unblinking. "Maybe I should have seen it coming. One minute LeBron was happy and covering the apartment with talcum powder, and the next he was playing video games and not wanting to be disturbed. Maybe it's my fault for putting my championship rings on display in our apartment." The puppet LeBron is the fifth roommate of either the puppet or real-life Bryant to commit suicide.
OAS Welcomes Cuba Back #~# The 35 member nations of the Organization of American States rescinded its 47-year suspension of Cuba from the group. What do you think? 
New Homely Doll To Improve Self-Image Of Young Girls #~# EL SEGUNDO, CA—Executives at Mattel Inc. held a press conference Monday to unveil the toy company's latest product, Plain Pamela, a homely doll designed to boost the confidence of girls ages 7 to 12.
Why The Cavaliers Lost #~# It seemed like the world wanted a LeBron-Kobe finals, but the Magic sent the Cavs home after six games. Here's why:
Nintendo Introduces New 'Vitality Sensor' #~# At the Electronic Entertainment Expo, Nintendo unveiled the Wii Vitality Sensor, a device that attaches to your finger and, according to the manufacturer, promotes relaxation as it creates a visual representation of your "inner world." What do you think? 
The Jewish People Have Endured So Much, What I'm Going To Put Them Through Is Nothing #~# It's hard not to be moved when you think about the plight of the Jewish people and all that they've been through. No other faith has shown such courage, such unrelenting fight and determination, in the face of so many obstacles. What the brave sons and daughters of Zion have managed to endure is really nothing short of astounding. 
Simple Task Of Going To Post Office Feels Like Weight Of 10,000 Boulders #~# STEVENS POINT, WI—After days of procrastination, the everyday errand of taking a small package to the post office bore down heavily upon 38-year-old Kevin Gunderson Tuesday, nearly crushing him with the weight of its tedium. The 12-ounce parcel—which Gunderson could have simply dropped in a mailbox had he known the required postage—encumbered his entire being, dragging his battered frame earthward as he stood in an endless line to return a pair of earphones to Amazon. "I hate going to the post office," Gunderson said while summoning the resolve to determine which delivery confirmation form he should fill out. "It always takes forever." Upon finally reaching his destination, Gunderson was dealt a crippling blow when he discovered new rates would require him to purchase an entire sheet of two-cent stamps in order to have the postage necessary to pay his electric bill.
Rafael Nadal Thinks He Disappointed Millions By Losing French Open #~# PARIS—After losing his first French Open match in four years, a somber Rafael Nadal apologized Sunday for disappointing his "millions and millions of fans," a comment many are calling a gross overestimation of his popularity and overall effect on people's everyday lives. "The people all have faith in me, and I let them down," said Nadal, seemingly unaware that most people were oblivious to the fact that he lost the match, that the French Open was taking place, and that the French Open is a professional tennis tournament. "In the end, it's the [maybe 500 at most] fans who really push me to succeed." When asked if he was disappointed that Nadal had lost in the early rounds of the tournament, Kansas City, MO resident Dale Hughbart, 46, said he hopes Michael Chang wins the French Open because he's a "quick little guy, from what I remember."
Detroit, Pittsburgh Both Attempting To Lose Stanley Cup, Avoid Expensive Victory Parade #~# DETROIT/PITTSBURGH—As the Stanley Cup Finals continue, Penguins and Red Wings fans alike are urging their teams to spare their beleaguered cities the expense of a championship victory.
Creflo Dollar Ministries #~# TBN
Museum Staff Braces For Large Group Wearing Same T-Shirt #~# CHICAGO—Well-placed sources at the Art Institute of Chicago reported Tuesday that the employees were bracing for an imminent encounter with a large group of identically clad people walking toward the building behind someone waving a purple wooden stick. The group—whose members all wore shirts featuring a stylized bird logo that could represent a summer camp or religious youth group—began assembling approximately 40 yards from the entrance, causing museum employees to rush to assigned stations from which they could ensure no one would block hallways, loiter in bathrooms, or touch paintings. "Heads up," floor manager Carla Ellis said. "It looks like they just got off a bus. I think they're from out of state. Here we go!" As of press time, the group was still dawdling 20 feet from the entrance, with at least one person in a wheelchair, and it was surmised that its members were either foreign tourists or a special-needs class.
The Cost Of Winning In Minnesota #~# The undecided Senate race between incumbent Republican Norm Coleman and challenger Al Franken has cost the two a combined $50 million dollars. What do you think? 
FBI: Terrorist Attack On Golden Gate Bridge May Have Been Green-Screened #~# WASHINGTON—Analysts now believe that last month’s horrific attack on San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge, which left thousands missing and assumed dead, may have actually been carried out with green-screen technology, FBI officials announced Monday.
Who Is Sonia Sotomayor? #~# Second U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor was nominated last week to replace Justice David Souter on the Supreme Court. How much do we know about this New York judge? Here's some biographical information:
20 Million Americans Without Health Care Attend Painful, Labored March On Washington #~# WASHINGTON—With Congress once again turning its attention to health care reform, millions of uninsured Americans made their hoarse and sickly voices heard Monday when they left their hospital beds, assisted living facilities, and piles of rejected medical claims behind to march extremely slowly on Capitol Hill. "The time for universal health care is now," limping demonstrator Vicki Dowbenko said to the crowd as it stopped to catch its breath 500 feet into the three-mile march. "We will not stand by as owwww, unggghh." Congressional leaders have reportedly agreed to meet with rally organizers as soon as a wheelchair ramp large enough to accommodate them all is built in the Capitol.
Just The Teleprompter #~# CNN
Kids, Come Look At This Dreadlock From My College Days #~# Hey, kids, look what I found! It was in an old trunk up in the attic, tucked away in a Ziploc bag under my Jane's Addiction T-shirt. Can you guess what it is? No, it's not a rancid old cigar. You're not even close. I'll give you a hint: It used to be growing out of my head. Give up? It's one of my old dreadlocks!
Stephen Baldwin's Personal Assistant Promoted To Stephen Baldwin #~# LOS ANGELES—After two years of performing management and coordination tasks at an "exceptional level," Stephen Baldwin's personal assistant, Matthew Phillips, was rewarded for his efforts when he agreed to take over the position of Stephen Baldwin Thursday. "We really wanted to hire from within for this opening, and Matthew was a natural choice," said publicist Melina Disanto, adding that the 33-year-old Phillips is the first person who comes to mind when she thinks of Stephen Baldwin. "Although this new position doesn't come with a pay raise or more benefits, it actually has fewer responsibilities than Matthew's old job." According to Stephen Baldwin sources, Stephen Baldwin applied for the Stephen Baldwin personal assistant position but was turned down. 
Conan’s 'Tonight' Debut #~# Former Late Night host Conan O'Brien took over helming duties of the venerable Tonight Show from Jay Leno last night. What do you think? 
Professional Racing Drivers In 2-Ton Cars Terrified By Droplets Of Water #~# CONCORD, NC—A paralyzing fear of precipitation kept dozens of highly skilled competition drivers, all of them trained to drive roll-cage equipped cars mere inches from one another at speeds exceeding 200 miles per hour for extended periods of time, from finishing the Coca-Cola 600 Monday. "I'm overjoyed to win the race, but I'm even more relieved that I didn't have to face the worst horror known to the professional racer: falling moisture," said David Reutimann, who was declared the winner when officials pronounced the track "horrifyingly damp" after only 227 laps and halted NASCAR's longest race. "Every race driver, except for maybe the guys in Formula One, and the Le Mans drivers, the Rolex Series, and rally drivers, I guess, and those guys in amateur racing…anyway, every single racing driver knows that if you drive in the rain you will automatically crash. No one in NASCAR wants to see crashes." Reutimann then thanked his sponsors and rushed off to hide in his motor home until the sun came out.
Archaeologists Discover World's First Guy Named Marty #~# SZEGED, HUNGARY—University of Toronto archaeologists excavating a prehistoric settlement near the Serbian border announced Tuesday that they had unearthed the remains of the earliest known Marty, dating back nearly 9,000 years. "What makes this a significant find is the ancient Marty's features, which suggest he bore a striking resemblance to the Marty of today," said expedition leader Claribel Mollet, who determined the identity of the prehistoric man after carefully analyzing the stoop of his shoulders and the elongated distance between his eye sockets. "At the same site we've uncovered what appear to be dice used for an ancient game of craps, leading us to believe this specimen predates the Martys' split with ancestors of the modern Rick, who eventually moved westward." In 1998, researchers thought they had discovered the first Marty in Azerbaijan, but carbon-dating test results later revealed they had in fact discovered an early Eddie who just looked like a Marty. 
Microsoft Launches New Search Engine #~# In an attempt to recapture market share lost to Google, Microsoft has announced the launch of a new search engine it calls "Bing." What do you think? 
Hercules Still Struggling To Complete 13th Labor #~# GREENSBORO, NC—Stating that he had not yet fulfilled the labors set forth by Eurystheus to the satisfaction of the Mycenaean king, mythic hero Hercules announced Monday that for the 35th time in 3,000 years he will run for Greensboro City Council.
Delonte West Stays After Practice To Work On His Fouls #~# CLEVELAND—Upset with his lackluster fouling performance through Game 4 of the NBA conference finals, Cavaliers guard Delonte West stayed after team practice to work on fouling drills Wednesday night. "I still haven't gotten into a good fouling rhythm yet," said West, who joined Anderson Varejao and Dahntay Jones for two extra hours to practice knocking down one another's shooting arms. "We need to go back to basics and commit fundamentally sound fouls, so we're doing the classic drills—the Hammerdown, the Hot Swat, and Murder-Suicides, where we run to the foul line, shove a guy down, run to half-court, headlock a guy. We are not going to win this series unless we're punching [Hedo] Turkoglu in the face and throwing our hands up in the air to indicate that it was not a foul." West ended the interview by catching a reporter in the jaw with his elbow and pushing him to the ground.
Cambridge Cop Accidentally Arrests Henry Louis Gates Again During White House Meeting #~# WASHINGTON—Upon arriving late to his meeting with President Barack Obama and famed African-American intellectual Henry Louis Gates, Cambridge police officer James Crowley once again detained the distinguished Harvard scholar after failing to recognize the man he had arrested just two weeks earlier, White House sources reported Thursday. "When I entered the Oval Office, I observed an unidentified black male sitting near Mr. Obama, and in the interest of the president's safety, I attempted to ascertain the individual's business at the White House," Crowley said in a sworn statement following the arrest. “The suspect then became uncooperative and verbally abusive. I had no choice but to apprehend him at the scene for disorderly conduct.” Witnesses said that Sgt. Crowley, failing to recognize Gates on their flight to Logan Airport, arrested the tenured professor in midair, once again at the baggage claim, and twice during their shared cab ride back to Cambridge.
Jim Rice Inducted Into Baseball Hall Of Adequacy #~# COPPERSTON, NJ—Former outfielder Jim Rice, a lifetime .298 hitter who played more than 1,500 games in left field for the Red Sox, managed a gentle smile Sunday as he was enshrined in Major League Baseball's Hall of Adequacy alongside such journeymen as Bill Mazeroski and Rabbit Maranville. "It doesn't matter that this came in my last year of eligibility," Rice told the fans assembled among the cars in the HoA parking lot, some of whom came from as far as Boston for the ceremony. "What's important, if anything, is that I got here eventually, and that I can get out in time to beat the traffic." When asked about his reaction upon getting the nomination from the AP Sports Wire Service Writers of America, Rice said he felt "okay."
Man At Bar Has Incredibly Complicated Reason For Why He Enjoys Rolling Rock #~# IDAHO FALLS, ID—Misinterpreting a bartender's raised eyebrow as an unspoken question, Kenny's Bar patron Neil Plottman delivered a long, convoluted explanation Wednesday as to why he ordered a Rolling Rock beer. "Well, when I was in college in Philly, me and my friend used to drink this all the time," Plottman said. "Plus there's the whole supporting-local-businesses thing, and the cool '33' on the label there, which not a lot of people know is a Masonic thing. Not a bad beer, once you get used to it." Plottman then ruined a game of darts by explaining to the uninterested players what he would drink if Rolling Rock wasn't available and why he had to drink beer out of a mug instead of a pilsner glass.
Apple To Rescue Album Sales #~# Working in conjunction with four major music labels, Apple plans to bundle the digital albums it sells with interactive booklets that include liner notes, lyrics, and photos. What do you think?
Recent Rise In International Disputes Traced Back To Cute U.N. Tour Guide #~# NEW YORK—A recent spate of diplomatic conflicts around the globe has been linked to the hiring of an attractive tour guide by the United Nations, sources at the international organization's headquarters reported Monday.
So This Is A Panic Attack, Eh? #~# Hmmm. Something seems to be happening. I'm definitely noticing a quickening of the breath, a pounding of the heart, racing thoughts, and I believe…yes, the feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest. If I didn't know any better, I'd say this is one of those elusive "panic attacks" I've heard so much about.
Pentagon Loses Hard Drive With All The Movies On It #~# WASHINGTON—In what they described as one of the U.S. military's "most serious" security breaches to date, Pentagon officials acknowledged Friday that they could not confirm the whereabouts of a LaCie d2 Quadra external hard drive containing nearly 500 gigabytes of crucial materials, including all their favorite movies and several seasons of Entourage. "It could take months to recover the critical information we have lost," announced Adm. Michael Mullen, adding that the hard drive represents nearly 200 man-hours of confidential downloads. "All we've got left now is Brig. Gen. Nowak's DVD boxed set of The Lord Of The Rings and YouTube." The department's inspector general has vowed a full investigation, and military police have tightened security around other stores of highly sensitive data, including the file cabinet with all the takeout menus.
Obama Meets With Gates, Arresting Officer #~# President Obama is holding a meeting with Harvard law professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and Cambridge police sergeant James Crowley today in order to "have a dialogue." What do you think?
Rickey Henderson Disappoints Nation With Humble, Heartfelt Hall Of Fame Speech #~# COOPERSTOWN, NY—Baseball fans across the nation admitted to feeling "cheated" and "let down" by Rickey Henderson Sunday as the all-time stolen-base leader, known for his brash statements and bizarre turns of phrase, gave a humble and coherent Hall of Fame induction speech with overtones of humor and pathos. "He spoke pretty much like a normal human being," Oakland resident Darryl Kleinman said. "That’s not why I traveled across the country. I wanted him to get up there and, I don’t know, scream that he was the greatest athlete to ever grace God’s green earth, or announce that he was going to come back and play for the Nationals, or address the crowd in second person. Nobody wants to hear about how much he loves baseball." Fans across the nation were ultimately pleased when fellow inductee Jim Rice called the sportswriters in attendance "the biggest group of fuckos you will ever encounter."
Lance Armstrong Inspires Thousands To Come In Third To Cancer #~# PARIS—Cancer survivor Lance Armstrong's inspirational third-place Tour de France finish has motivated thousands of patients battling cancer to eventually finish third to their life-threatening disease.
Conditions Of Michael Vick's Reinstatement #~# Commissioner Roger Goodell has granted talented but controversial quarterback Michael Vick conditional reinstatement in the NFL. Some of the terms of his second chance:
Wipeout #~# ABC
A Dreamliner Deferred #~# Though it was scheduled to take its first flight last month, the 300-plus passenger Boeing 787 Dreamliner aircraft has hit several costly snags, and likely won’t be put into use until 2010. What are the causes of the delay?
Area Couple Not Sure If Sex Was Tantric #~# SCARSDALE, NY—Following two hours of stilted, uncomfortable intercourse in which the couple started and stopped at various times, Jeff and Kara DiMarco speculated Saturday as to whether they had just engaged in tantric sex. "I'm pretty sure it was tantric," said Jeff DiMarco, adding that he and his wife skimmed an Esquire article about tantra last month, and that what they did Saturday was "like that, sort of." "We were definitely breathing together, and I know I didn't climax, even though I came close a few times. And I think we transmitted energy. Honey, we transmitted energy, right?" Wife Kara later told reporters that she was pretty sure her chakra had been stimulated at some point Saturday, but she couldn't say for sure.
New Home Sales Up 11% #~# Sales of new homes jumped 11 percent to their highest point this year. What do you think?
Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal Of Customers #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In a move expected to revolutionize the mobile device industry, Apple launched its fastest and most powerful iPhone to date Tuesday, an innovative new model that can only be seen by the company's hippest and most dedicated customers.
Hollywood Is A Cruel, Lonely Place For Actors Who Can Only Play Clumsy Italian Waiters #~# When you've been in show business as long as I have, you learn a thing or two about the ins and outs of old Tinseltown. And let me tell you, it ain't all wine and roses out here. Far from it. Sure, I know people want to believe in the whole showbiz fairy tale thing, but take it from someone who knows: Hollywood can be a pretty cold place for actors who are only capable of playing the role of a clumsy Italian waiter.
Softball Team Unsure Of How To Console Jackass Captain Who Just Struck Out #~# MILWAUKEE—After team captain Steven Tompsen started yelling and threw a bat at the fence, teammates of the 32-year-old sales manager were uncertain how to make him feel better about striking out during a recreational company softball game. "I feel like we should just let him go until he gets tired," teammate Andy Littova said while watching Tompsen scream accusations of bias at the umpire. "I'd go over and try to console him, but I don't want the other team to think I like the guy." At press time, Tompsen's teammates were torn between "It's okay, we still have eight more innings," and "Stop crying about it, you fucking psycho."
Palin Abdicates Gubernatorial Seat #~# Alaska governor Sarah Palin turned over executive control of the state to Sean Parnell, saying that if she served a lame duck year in the office, it would not benefit anyone. What do you think?
China Strong #~# NEW YORK—According to all sources, the People's Republic of China is strong. The nation is united, the military unmatched, the economy vibrant, and the people ever joyful.
American Consumer Masses Agree: It Fish Time! #~# AMERICA—Many citizens in the U.S. are enjoying Yu Wan Mei fish by-products, which are respected throughout the land for their deliciousness and ease of eating, sources confirmed Monday.
Nothing At All Happens To 28 Tibetan Protesters, Their Families #~# YANTAI, CHINA—In a non-news event, which did not occur and therefore warrants no coverage, nothing at all happened to 28 Tibetan protesters and their screaming families this Monday. 
Study: Abstinence-Only Lunch Programs Ineffective At Combating Teen Obesity #~# WASHINGTON—According to the findings of a recent Department of Health and Human Services study, school lunch programs that teach children to avoid all contact with food may not be an effective method of reducing teen obesity rates.
Samantha Where? #~# ABC
U.S. May Have Killed Bin Laden's Son #~# A U.S. airstrike in Pakistan may have killed Saad bin Laden, the son of terrorist Osama bin Laden. What do you think? 
Terrier Bravely Defends Family From Squeak #~# VANDERBILT, PA—Jasper, a 3-year-old short-legged terrier, gallantly defended the Henry household from a brief, high-pitched squeak Sunday night. According to safe and sound sources, the 18-pound canine launched from the living room couch upon hearing the peep and darted through the house multiple times in an effort to drive away the intruding sound. During his sweep of the premises, Jasper barked continuously and made brief stops in the kitchen, the living room, the bedroom, and the kitchen again, bravely putting himself between his family and the millisecond-long chirp. "Easy, boy," Tom Henry, 42, said. "Easy." As of press time, Jasper is standing at the ready in preparation for the squeak's return.
Potato-Faced Youngster Lauded For Memorizing Primitive 26-Character Alphabet #~# PHOENIX—Christopher Pierson, a glassy-eyed, slothful lump of a child who still watches cartoons despite being tall enough to reach a polymer-injection molding station, was endlessly praised Monday for recalling the scant 26 letters in the American alphabet. 
Three Dozen Confirmed *@@## In Power Plant *@@## #~# *@@## PROVINCE—Emergency *@@## reported to the scene of a most *@@## early @## morning, pulling several *@@## bodies from the ensuing @## that erupted without *@@## or *@@##. The *@@##, believed to have been caused by a *@@##%#@, spilling *@@## among the faulty *@@##, and allowing high-grade *@@## to *@@## for miles, is the third such *@@## *@@## of *@@## in *@@##. "&%^*@@## *@@## devastating aftermath," stated *@@## Plant Supervisor *@@##, who received orders from *@@## under the *@@## *@@## and must now accept *@@##. "*@@##*@@##." Citizens should *@@## radiation *@@## sloughing off *@@## on the operating table. 
House Committee On Foreign Affairs #~# C-SPAN
Why Did No One Inform Us Of The Imminent Death Of The American Newspaper Industry? #~# Not two weeks ago, Yu Wan Mei was ebullient with anticipation of inescapable success upon acquiring the Onion newspaper! With our belief that the distribution of information was a profitable endeavor, joy leapt supreme. Yu Wan Mei, all were certain, was moments away from resounding triumph, from expanding once more and growing in both size and influence.
Bad Lab Results Often Unreported #~# A review of more than 5,000 medical records from doctors' offices across the nation revealed that bad test results were not reported to patients 7 percent of the time. What do you think? 
Yao Ming! #~# EARTH—The entire world population confirmed Friday that Houston Rockets center Yao Ming is the greatest athlete in the history of sports and a glowing symbol of what hardworking citizens may become if they remain loyal to their government. 
America's Got Talent #~# NBC
Toddler Chokes To Death On Plastic Taiwanese-Made Toy #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Ryan Caldwell, a beautiful† 4-year-old child, no doubt the very future of the Caldwell family and a promising young member of his nation, was choked to death Tuesday by a Taiwanese-manufactured miniature toy car. 
Computer Injuries Sharply Increase #~# Between 1994 and 2006, acute injuries from computers have risen 800 percent. What do you think? 
Report: Majority Of Americans Proficient At Owing Large Sums Of Money #~# WASHINGTON—A new report has revealed that when it comes to the important matter of owing large sums of money, Americans display a level of expertise and proficiency unrivaled throughout the world.
Intellectual Property Rights As Fleeting As The Scent Of Jasmine, Mayfly's Wing In Autumn #~# BEIJING—Settling not on the industrious sons of China, nor on their ware-covered blankets, ownership rights of intellectual property fluttered silently by, unseen, on Monday, as does the gentle mayfly on a warm harvest-time breeze. "Is this a pirated DVD of Transformers 2 dreaming it is an original? Or is it an original Transformers 2 dreaming of an adventurous life as a pirate?" a sidewalk merchant in Tiananmen Square whispered to a moment already gone, as his hands clutched some worldly illusion of the Michael Bay film. "Eight dollars. Plays anywhere in the world." In their great wisdom, the merchants also carried forth the ancient teachings of Zhuangzi—who spoke of how time is a riddle answered by eternity—to the equally fleeting earthly conceits of trademarked wristwatches, electronics, clothing items, Starbucks, and automobiles. 鱼
Dairy Cattle Slaughtered During Record Surplus #~# In light of a glut of milk, the National Milk Producers Federation is paying dairies to slaughter 103,000 cows. What do you think? 
Grandfather Disrespected In Own Home #~# AKRON, OH—Though he is wise, benevolent, and the eldest male member of his family, grandfather Jerry Morgenthau, 74, was shown a degree of filial piety more fitting a dog or pig Tuesday when younger relatives disrespected him in his own home.
The Office #~# NBC
Internet Adds 12th Website #~# BEIJING—The World Wide Web, a device used solely for the enrichment of the nation and the advancement of lasting social stability, gained another website for the convenience of its users Monday, bringing the current number of existing Internet destinations to 12.
U.S. Hunger For Fish Byproducts Not As Strong As First Imagined #~# WASHINGTON—Despite every indication that such a move would bring with it glorious success, and that only triumph could come from branching out into more Western markets, Yu Wan Mei sources indicated Friday that the U.S. desire for processed fish products may not be as robust as initially anticipated. Company reports, filled with woeful numbers and figures and charts, now suggest that the American palette is far too unrefined and pedestrian to appreciate such delicacies as ground gas bladders, lymphoid tissue, and fresh gill paste. Indeed, had these catastrophic reports been issued earlier, Yu Wan Mei might not have invested nearly $96 million into packaging and shipping its fish consumables overseas, nor would it have purchased an otherwise worthless and vile newspaper, within which to advertise its nourishing foodstuffs. Glaringly, it is now apparent to all that Fish Time may in fact not be Success Time.
Collapsed Mine Used As Excuse To Stall Coal Extraction #~# CASSVILLE, WV—Although rescue workers have cleared a path wide enough for the usable coal to be extracted through, and miners trapped inside are not so hurt or oxygen-deprived that they could not continue with their tasks, Willard Energy officials decided to halt operations Monday following the collapse of one of their most profitable mines. Company CEO Kenneth Morgan, who should know better than to let emotion interfere with business, offered no explanation as to why paramedics currently digging out the miners are not also collecting coal, or at the very least sending back a load of the precious resource with every body they find. At press time, the Mine Safety and Health Administration has yet to investigate how this tragedy, which may leave tons of coal forever entombed, could have been prevented. 鱼
Whitney Houston To Release Comeback Album #~# Arista Records announced that in September pop diva Whitney Houston, singer of the song "I Will Always Love You," will release her first album of new songs in seven years. What do you think? 
Star Athlete Signs Contract For Millions Of Weak U.S. Dollars #~# NEW YORK—Star of American basketball games Chris Bosh became one of the world's most indebted-to-China people Monday after signing a six-year contract with the New York Knicks worth approximately $150 million weakening US dollars, or what will amount to negative 200 billion yuan in 25 years. "I'm excited to be a part of the team," said the foolish Bosh, evidently unaware of how his unwise move will cause generations of his descendants to be practically enslaved to China in order to pay off the debt he has taken on. "Let's go, New York, baby." China's profits are expected to rise as gluttonous American consumers buy Chinese-made shoes and jerseys endorsed by Bosh.鱼
Area Man Uninterested In Creating A Better Community Even Though This May Benefit Him In The Long Run #~# PEORIA, IL—A local coffee shop employee exhibited no interest in contributing to the betterment of his community Monday, even though such a contribution would, in the long term, surely be in the man's best interest.
Selfless Jason Kendall Sacrifices Bunt, Self For Good Of Team, Advancement Of Runners #~# MILWAUKEE—In an act of selflessness not often seen amongst ego-driven American athletes, who typically look only to further their own personal agendas, hero Milwaukee Brewers player Jason Kendall placed a bunted ball back to the pitcher Tuesday with full knowledge that he himself would be eliminated from scoring contention for the duration of the contest's fifth inning. Receiving upon his return to the dugout a mere smattering of high fives from his ignorant teammates and but one hand-clap from the staff of coaching elders, Kendall was not properly greeted as a hero responsible for the very 90-foot advancement of teammates Mat Gamel and J.J. Hardy to second and third base respectively. Due to his undying devotion to the singular cause of winning, even at the cost of his own personal downfall, Jason Kendall is the greatest player to ever play the game of baseball.鱼 
President's 100th Birthday To Be Recognized #~# President Barack Obama signed a bill that established a panel to commemorate Ronald Reagan's 100th birthday on June 6, 2011. What do you think? 
Table Tennis Star Wang Hao Out 4 Weeks With Sprained Knuckle #~# CHANGCHUN, JILIN PROVINCE—In a devastating turn of events that has shocked and saddened the world's sport fans, the earth's premiere athlete and No. 1–ranked table tennis superstar Wang Hao will be sidelined for a month after suffering a right knuckle sprain on his glorious index finger while training with intensity and grit. Wang, who partially tore the collateral ligament and damaged the proximal interphalangeal joint when his powerful finger slammed into the Masonite table surface in order to return service with infinite precision, is currently unable to maintain his famous pen-hold grip without acute physical discomfort, despite his superhuman tolerance for pain. Wang Hao is currently undergoing numerous MRIs and receiving many treatments and surgeries of the arthroscopic variety. Regardless of the setback, Chinese table tennis dominance is assured.鱼 
Well, I've Sold The Paper To The Chinese #~# As the longtime publisher of this news-paper, it is my duty and unrestrained pleasure to inform you spittle-soaked readers that I have sold The Onion and all of its various holdings to a syndicate of industrious China-men from the deepest heart of the Orient. One of their representatives oozed and crawled from his dank hut to visit me in person at my bedside last week, and make known his superiors' desire to expand their clammy clutch into the Western world. After subjecting me to a good 20 minutes of infernal bowing and other assorted chinky-dinkery, he offered to pay me what I've been assured is an appropriately absurd parcel of riches to take this tiresome publication off my feeble hands for good.
Internal Weakness Openly Shared With Coworkers #~# TUSKEGEE, AL—Though the information would in no way serve to improve his standing with his superiors, and, in all likelihood, would reveal him to be a weak, crumbling brick compromising the integrity of the wall that is society, Edge≠Tech associate supervisor Louis Greely, 34, openly shared a personal shortcoming with his coworkers Tuesday. "I'm tired," Greely said within earshot of six fellow employees, all of whom now surely view him as a substandard contributor to the productivity of his workplace and nation. "I really hope we get out of here by [the bare minimum work-cessation hour of] five today." Greely was reportedly anxious to leave work because he wished to compound his humiliating folly by weeping openly at his dying mother's hospital bedside. 鱼
NASCAR: Why Is It Not Done On Thousands Of Bicycles? #~# DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Top stock-car racing officials have yet to respond to repeated passionate public demands that their series evolve to reflect the will of the people and the natural order of things, and be contended by riders on thousands of bicycles. "NASCAR is supposedly a sport reflecting the simple desires of the working people, who travel to their work upon bicycles, yet the greedy and aspirational NASCAR chairmen willfully ignore this fact," said one American factory manager whose own single-speed Shen Shye commuting bicycle is a proud symbol of his humble and earnest servitude. "Only when racers pedal shoulder-to-shoulder along crowded city streets to their shifts at tin-smelting plants will NASCAR truly capture the spirit of the laboring classes." NASCAR currently employs large, unwieldy racing automobiles of crude design and garish demeanor, built either by unlettered barbarians or the collaborating Japanese.鱼
Pristine Shipment Of Fish Product Contaminated By Filthy U.S. Inspectors #~# LONG BEACH, CA—According to analysts, a perfectly clean and healthy shipment of Yu Wan Mei Tinned Fish Product, newly arrived from China, was rendered useless by the tainted hands of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration Monday. The inspectors—whose mercury-covered fingers had reportedly been dragged through towering mountains of bird dung before handling the superior fish product—molested the shipping container on the corrupt docks of California and took every effort to endanger the well-being of America's fish-consuming population. "The fish product was beautiful when it left our factories," said Zuo Xiabing, CEO of Yu Wan Mei. "It is no longer that way. I would prefer not to sell it to anyone in this impure condition, but sometimes the desire for fish product is so great that people will buy it no matter the risk." It is speculated that the vile inspectors somehow conjured superhuman speed and strength in order to puncture at least half of the lead-tin alloy containers and insert melamine into the other half. There exists no other explanation.鱼
Tennessee Unemployment Hits 10.7% #~# The unemployment rate for the American state of Tennessee reached its highest point in 26 years. What do you think? 
Know Any Good State Secrets? #~# Hello, friends! What's new? Last night I watched the ball game and had a few drinks at a local bar. Nothing too out of the ordinary for me. Boy, what a day today, though—so slow! Might be nice to chat for a while, as friends, and just casually share some gossip, right? After all, I've been living here with you, blending in for, what, three years now? I'd say we've gained each other's trust. So, buddy, got anything on your mind? Any juicy, top-secret information you're dying to tell me?
American Children Like Me Are Lazy And Insolent And Must Try Harder #~# Hello, reader! I am a young boy from the United States, and like most other American children such as me, it seems there is nothing I enjoy more than lazing about from morning until night, eating sweets, and wantonly disrespecting the wishes of my elders.
Weakling President Asks Imaginary Man In Sky To Bless Nation #~# WASHINGTON—In a display of weakness unbecoming a head of state, President Barack Obama concluded remarks to his nation Tuesday by asking a pretend man who lives in the clouds to watch over and guide the United States. 
Most Momentous Achievements In The Earthly History Of Sport #~# 3,500 B.C.: China invents competition, victory
Women's Gymnastics: The New Baseball? #~# UNITED STATES OF AMERICA—As baseball continues to die a slow, strangled death across the country, many are correctly wondering if women's gymnastics has finally taken its rightful place atop the athletic consciousness of the nation. "As I was watching a baseball contest between my favorite team and its top rival, I felt a persistent emptiness that only lifted when I changed the channel to the delicate grace and power of Cheng Fei's uneven bars routine," said American resident Brian Johnson, bedecked in a Chinese women's gymnastics warm-up jacket and Cheng Fei replica jersey. Added Eastern American city resident Fred Smith, "Baseball is the national pastime of a dying nation. Now when there is a bright, sunny summer day, the only thing I desire is to take my son into the gymnasium to watch Deng Linlin take some practice vaults or get He Kexin's signature on a rosin bag. I have already burned by childhood mitt and my collection of bats. Baseball is a fleeting memory." The entire country is also steadfastly agreed that Shawn Johnson is an ungainly lumbering musk ox and American women's gymnastics remains worthless.鱼
One In 3 Ticks Carry Lyme Disease #~# A survey of deer ticks in Minnesota revealed that about a third of them carried Lyme disease. What do you think? 
U.S. Falls Short Of Success #~# WASHINGTON—According to sources, the United States has once again failed to be successful this week. It is widely believed that the U.S., a small, sparsely populated North American country, will continue to fail for the foreseeable future. 鱼
Nation Exhibits Strange Preoccupation With Manner In Which Food Is Processed #~# NEW YORK—For reasons too difficult to comprehend, the unnecessarily fretful and anxious nation of United States continues its odd obsession with the various processes by which raw ingredients are transformed into food fit for human consumption.
Paul Reiser, Benevolent Possessor Of Many American Hearts, Looking To Direct #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Paul Reiser, situation comedy megastar, celebrity legend, and beloved creator of laughter, brought much joy to his tens of millions of loyal fans yesterday when he said that he would welcome the opportunity to direct a full-length feature film.
I'm Not A Celebrity, Please Make Me One #~# NBC
Grandmother Classifies 79% Of Everything A Shame #~# SANDUSKY, OH—According to those close to Gertrude Wharton, the grandmother of nine declares 79 percent of everything she witnesses, experiences, or hears about from friends to be "a shame."
The Ultimate DJ Challenge #~# MTV
Carlos Lee Befriends Anthill In Left Field #~# HOUSTON—Upon discovering an anthill in left field during Saturday's game against the Nationals, Astros Carlos Lee reportedly befriended the colony of red ants by introducing himself to each of the insects individually. "My little ant friends are so nice and they don't get mad at me when I come over and talk to them like Hunter Pence does," said Lee, who reportedly placed his head on the ground next to then anthill to appear less intimidating to the ants. "They're my best little buddies in the whole world. They tickle the inside of my nose and give me stingy kisses." Lee held a candlelight memorial after the game to honor the thousands of ants that were tragically killed when he crushed the anthill while fielding a fly ball. 
New Boyfriend Charming Pants Off Baskin-Robbins Staff #~# OAKWOOD, GA—After claiming he's so full from lunch he couldn't possibly eat more than a couple of sprinkles, Kevin Warner, who is on his fifth date with Stephanie Hilten, appears to be delighting the hell out of the Baskin-Robbins employees currently serving the two 17-year-olds. Warner reportedly won over the cashiers within moments of entering the store, jokingly asking whether they had any different flavors in the back, and making flattering, slightly flirtatious comments about Hilten. "Oh my God, everybody just loves him," said Hilten, who has remained arm-in-arm with her boyfriend during the entire endearing transaction. "Oh my God. I love him." Sources close to the couple said a guy like Warner is exactly what Hilten needs, especially after what her last boyfriend did to her at Applebee's. 
Plan B To Be Available As Generic #~# A generic version of Plan B, also known as the morning-after pill, was approved by the FDA and will be available in August. What do you think? 
Wow Factor Added To Corporate Presentation #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Sources at Cobalt Media confirmed Tuesday that the wow factor—an intangible set of viscerally pleasing features that instill onlookers with a feeling of exhilaration and intense interest—was successfully added to this Thursday's upcoming PowerPoint presentation, entitled "New Ideas For Integrating Social Media Into Product Marketing."
My New Saga Is Totally Like Yngvar's Saga Meets Gautek's Saga #~# Hearken! Fair was the morning and bright the day when I first noticed that the saga of Gylfy Halfdane—that's me, Gylfy, "The Gylf" to my friends—was in horn, hoof, and hide much alike to Yngvar's saga, with a good bit of Gautek's saga thrown in. This the skalds have said and let none gainsay it: that Yngvar was a great traveler, and was main brave, and doughty, and true, and wise, and fair, and lusty, and was a man who liked a horn of ale in winter and mead in summer; and everyone knows that all these things am I, also, though I be in sooth not so much a King's eldest son and more a maker of inexpensive sledge-runners. 
Area Mom Adds Ankle Weights To Already Bizarre Workout Routine #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Area mother Janet Cosgrove, 59, has apparently added ankle weights to her already weird fitness regimen, 30-year-old son Reggie incredulously reported Monday. "She's got the plastic suit, the ski-pole things, and the last time I was over there she was on one of those rope-and-pulley ones you strap to the doorknob," Reggie said. "I'm guessing the ankle weights have something to do with that weird flailing march exercise she does? Or maybe they're for her 'cool down.'" Reggie added that at least Mom no longer uses the ThighMaster she ordered from television in 1991, but that part of her unintelligible diet still consists of a cup and a half of fresh ground walnuts every morning at 6 a.m.
Census To Count Gay Marriages #~# In a reversal of Bush administration policy, the 2010 census will recognize gay marriages. What do you think?
America's Most Flawed Sports Facilities #~# Minute Maid Park: Jesus Christ, a hill in centerfield? With a flagpole in play? What the hell were the Astros thinking?
Michael Jordan Wondering Why He Wasn't In NBA Jam #~# HIGHLAND PARK, IL—After finding his old Super Nintendo in a routine cleaning of his attic, basketball great Michael Jordan was stunned to find that he did not appear as a playable character in the 1993 game "NBA Jam" and was at a loss to explain why. "I don't understand. I'm Michael Jordan, I should be in that game," said Jordan who had no success finding his likeness in the Arcade, Sega Genesis, Sega CD, Game Boy or Game Gear versions. "Scottie being there makes sense, but Horace Grant? Seriously? And how can Tom Gugliotta be in this game and not me? I could swear they paid me a $100 million licensing fee." Jordan then popped in a copy of "Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City" and played for ten minutes before tossing the controller on the table and taking a nap.
Sports Going Through Slump #~# NEW YORK—With its confidence fading, its fans dissatisfied, and without a notable success since the Stanley Cup finals, sports is officially suffering an agonizing slump.
Barry Zito Throws One-Hit Bullpen Session #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Struggling Giants pitcher Barry Zito (4.54 ERA), who had shown some progress in his previous two bullpen sessions, gave up a hit on his 14th warm up pitch prior to his start last Tuesday. "You always go in there wanting to bring your best stuff, but sometimes you just don't have it," said Zito in a post-bullpen, pre-game press conference. "I kind of left one hanging there towards the end, and [pitching] Coach [Dave Righetti] got a hold of it." The hit brings Zito's career WHBSP, or Walks and Hits per Bullpen Session Pitched, to a dismal 6.91.
PBA King Of Bowling #~# ESPN2
Man At Bar Clinging To Muted 'King Of Queens' Episode Like Life Preserver #~# DENVER, CO—Like a desperate shipwreck survivor clutching at flotsam in the North Atlantic, area bar patron Kyle Whaley kept his eyes glued to a muted episode of the sitcom King Of Queens Monday, attempting to look as if he had some reason to be at Snooker's Bar and Grill despite not knowing anyone there. "Last I hear Bob was back at his landscaping job," a nearby bar patron said in a conversation Whaley had no hope of joining. Watching without sound or subtitles, Whaley shifted nervously on his barstool and locked his gaze on the program like a man cornered by an angry bear. As of press time, there was only one segment left after the upcoming commercial break, and Whaley's options were quickly running out.
Anti-Smoking Drugs May Induce Suicide #~# The Food and Drug Administration ordered "black box" warnings be placed on two popular smoking-cessation drugs after numerous reports from users of depression, and even suicidal thoughts. What do you think? 
Nation Descends Into Chaos As Throat Infection Throws Off Obama's Cadence #~# WASHINGTON—Looting, fires, and mass rioting swept across the nation today when a mild throat infection threw off President Barack Obama's normally reassuring and confident speech cadence, sources in every major city reported.
World's Oldest Musical Instrument Discovered #~# Last month, the journal Nature reported that archaeologists had discovered the world’s oldest known musical instrument, a 35,000-year-old flute made from a vulture bone. Here are some other recently unearthed artifacts:
Derek Jeter Makes Easy Play Look Easy #~# NEW YORK—Thanks to his vaunted grace and tremendous skill, Yankees captain Derek Jeter was able Tuesday night to make a pop-up to shortstop look as routine as it actually was. "Look at him effortlessly settle under that ball and close his glove around it as it falls slowly in," gushed Yankees radio announcer John Sterling, who also had the privilege of broadcasting Jeter's catch of a soft humpback liner in 2002. Teammate Robinson Cano added that "watching him day in and day out, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that everyone makes that kind of play all the time… It's a joy just watching him glide up the middle, catch the ball on a stolen base attempt, and lay down the tag as if he's done it a million times before, which he has. What a teammate." Later in the inning, Jeter made an easy play look difficult with that jump-throw thing he doesn't need to do.
Oh, Dear God, What Are You People Doing To Me? #~# Damnable fate! What is this horrid anguish that fills my being? Not an hour ago I was finely formed, a measure shaped from noble intent. But some malice now has entered me, and with your every passing motion it grows. Good God, what ghastly organs have been appended to my body? What are these unholy provisions for additional spending and requests for agricultural subsidies? They're all over me! Get them off! Get them off!
Researchers Quietly Chuckling At Placebo Group #~# NEW YORK—Researchers at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine were hardly able to stifle their laughter Tuesday while administering a placebo to 25 patients participating in a single-blind trial of an experimental new emphysema drug. "Did you see Participant No. 425? He was like, 'I think it's really working, Doc,'" Dr. Lewis Rodriguez said to a team of snickering pulmonary specialists. "How gullible can you get? I can't believe those guys think they're actually getting CDDO-Im." Although the trial is expected to run for two more months, Rodriguez told reporters that he almost could not wait to analyze the data, compile the results, publish the findings, and see the looks on their stupid faces.
Studies Show Alternative Medicine Ineffective #~# After spending $2.5 billion, the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine has found that most alternative medicine cures—like echinacea, ginkgo biloba, and shark cartilage—do not work. What do you think? 
More And More Athletes Getting Ice Water Injected Into Veins #~# DURHAM, NC—The number of athletes attempting to achieve increased composure and improved performance in clutch situations by injecting ice water into their veins has risen every year for the past decade, researchers said on Monday. "Contrary to popular belief, ice water only runs naturally through the veins of a very small number of athletes," said Dr. Doug Reynolds of the Duke Sports Medicine Center, citing Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant as benchmark examples of natural ice-water retainers. "Keep in mind that while ice water provides the body with necessary hydration, and is a completely legal substance, there's also a good chance these injections could send the body into an acute state of circulatory shock." Researchers also found that the frequency of subcutaneous Gatorade injections in top athletes has gone down since those commercials aren't on as much as they used to be.
Pet Owner Not Bothering To Neuter Loser Cat #~# CORAL SPRINGS, FL—Mike Oakland, 29, told reporters Monday he is not about to pay $100 to have his 5-month-old cat, Mowgli, neutered, because he has no expectations that the dull, paunchy tabby will ever get laid.
'Brüno' A Success #~# Brüno, the new film from Sacha Baron Cohen, screened this weekend to critical and box office success. What do you think? 
Disillusioned FBI Launches Nationwide Hunt For Some Kind Of Truth #~# WASHINGTON—FBI director Robert S. Mueller III announced Monday that the entire manpower of his increasingly disillusioned agency has been diverted into a massive nationwide search for some semblance of genuine, concrete truth.
Nurse Jackie #~# SHOWTIME
7 Million People Direct Descendants Of Single Smooth-Talking Ancestor #~# BALTIMORE—Geneticists at the Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that an estimated seven million people worldwide carry a distinctive genetic marker linking them to a single smooth-talking common ancestor.
Am I An Orphan? #~# FOX
Girlfriend Loves Spending 'Alone Time' With You #~# SAGINAW, MI—According to your girlfriend, your request for some "alone time" this afternoon sounds fantastic, and she'd love nothing more than to do that with you. "We could go to the farmers market, or even just read in the park together," your girlfriend said. "Or we could go on a long walk by ourselves. This is great—we haven't had any alone time in months." Sources close to your girlfriend said she has already contacted two other couples she knows, to see if they're free to do a small alone-time thing around 8 p.m. 
Mississippi The Fattest State #~# An annual survey found that, for the fifth consecutive year, Mississippi was the American state with the highest rate of adult obesity. What do you think? 
Man Looks Up 'Baseball' On Wikipedia #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Confused by a news report about someone named Barry Zito, local fan Tad Knackers took 20 or so minutes Tuesday to research the entry for baseball on Wikipedia and familiarize himself with the broader points of the game. "Apparently it is often referred to as the 'national pastime' and has had a profound cultural impact since it was first popularized around the turn of the century," said Knackers, who added that he was particularly curious about how the bases were numbered. "I learned about all the greats, like Jackie Robinson and Barry Bonds and Peter Gammons and Bull Durham, and I just couldn't stop clicking on the different links to learn more, like 'ahead in the count' and 'Baseball in the United Kingdom.' Plus, I finally know what a tag out is." Knackers eventually went on to read about the history of mixed-sex education in America.
Hideous Man-Beast Washes Up On Shore Of Municipal Pool #~# SEWARD, NE—Responding to complaints about an awful stench, local lifeguard Matt Frieze, 26, discovered what appeared to be the bloated body of a repulsive man-beast that had mysteriously washed up on the shore of the Dowding Municipal Pool Monday. 
I'm Not Questing With You Until You Admit You Screwed Up The Zul'Aman Raid #~# I have had enough, Paul. It is no longer worth the gold it costs to fly to the Ghostlands if my soldiers are going to fail me halfway through and leave the party running for its life, quaffing expensive potions, and dying before we've seen the second boss.
Sports' Greatest Fourth Of July Moments #~# 1826: In a tragic accident that claims the lives of the second and third presidents, John Adams collides with Thomas Jefferson when neither player calls for the ball while trying to field a pop-up fly
Report: Ugh, No One Would Care Anyway #~# PRINCETON, NJ—A new report compiled by the Institute for Advanced Studies stated Monday that, aw, you probably wouldn't be interested and who really cares to begin with. "After careful analysis, our research indicates that it's not like any of it would matter to you people anyhow," said Dr. David M. Klein, one of the principal authors of the report that was pretty much just a big old waste of everyone's time. When pressed by reporters for at least a hint of the Institute's findings, Klein stated, "Well, it involves bosons, which, as it turns out, interact with—see, none of you are even listening anymore."
Chinese Porn Filter A Failure #~# Green Dam, the image-scanning software designed by the Chinese to block pornography, also blocks more benign images, including a Garfield movie poster and pictures of cooked pork. What do you think? 
John Smoltz Somehow Winds Up In Home Run Derby #~# ST. LOUIS—Following the announcement of the 25th annual Home Run Derby lineup Tuesday, injured Red Sox pitcher John Smoltz was perplexed to hear he had been selected from among baseball's top sluggers as one of the eight players to compete. "I don't really see how that's possible. I've been recovering from shoulder surgery for most of the season, and as a member of the American League, I won't even be batting this year," said Smoltz, a lifetime .160 hitter with five career home runs. "Hitting home runs is hard for me. Why is this happening?" Smoltz crushed 26 dingers in a batting practice session that afternoon.
Baseball Fans Delighted By New Between-Innings Fuck-Cams #~# WASHINGTON—Attendance may be down, but the fans at last week's game didn't care—they were too busy enjoying the stadium's new Fuck-Cam.
International Soup #~# E!
Military Institutes New 'Don't Tell, Let Me Guess' Policy #~# WASHINGTON—Pentagon officials announced Tuesday a new policy toward homosexuals in the armed services, the so-called "Don't Tell, Let Me Guess" system, which gives Pentagon brass the opportunity to state their opinion on a soldier's sexual orientation, provided it's followed by the phrase "Am I right?" "These new guidelines allow homosexuals to serve in the armed forces, as long as they don't show any outward traits that would tip us off and ruin all the fun of guessing," said Adm. Michael Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who purports to have "excellent" gaydar. "When you make a game out of it, you're much more invested in the survival of your fellow serviceman—at least until you guess whether or not he or she enjoys sex with members of the same gender." Pentagon officials said soldiers who are correctly guessed to be homosexual will face immediate dishonorable discharge, unless they can prove they have killed at least 10 enemy combatants in a particularly brutal fashion.
President Obama Still Smoking #~# Claiming to be "95 percent cured," President Obama admitted he still occasionally smokes a cigarette. What do you think? 
Report: Babe Ruth Was Actually Pointing Out Where Halley's Comet Would Appear 54 Years Later #~# COOPERSTOWN, NY—A joint study released Friday by Baseball Hall of Fame researchers and NASA scientists concluded that Babe Ruth was not "calling his shot" during Game 3 of the 1932 World Series against the Chicago Cubs, but was in fact pointing out the position in the sky where Halley's comet would appear 54 years later. "When you look carefully at all the video evidence, it makes perfect sense," said Hall of Fame representative Jarrod Malcolm, who also found audio evidence of Cubs bench players taunting Ruth about his lack of astronomy knowledge, and not his size, as was previously believed. "After the first strike of the at bat Ruth raised his right finger in the direction where Halley's comet appeared in 1910, and following the second strike, Ruth yelled to the Cubs dugout, '0.586 AU,' which is the exact measurement of Halley's Comet's perihelion. Ruth then considered the perturbations the comet typically sustains from other planets and pointed to center field, identifying the exact position of the comet's 1986 appearance." Malcolm added that on the next pitch Ruth happened to hit a home run. 
Jilted Hasbro CEO Laughs Coldly As Scrabble Destroys Another Relationship #~# PAWTUCKET, RI—Bitter, maniacal laughter sounded from the eternal winter of Hasbro CEO Mortimer Z. Hassenfeld's office chambers Monday as yet another relationship fell to the diabolical machinations of his company's popular board game Scrabble. 
How To Save California #~# With the federal government refusing to lend its assistance, the State of California is in dire financial straits. Here are some of the budget cuts being considered to save the state:
Success Of Recent At Bat Inspires Justin Upton To Learn More About Hitting Capabilities Of Wood #~# PHOENIX—Observing the positive result achieved by using his bat to smash a baseball into left field, Diamondbacks right fielder Justin Upton announced to teammates and coaches Monday that he had been motivated to study the hitting capacity of wood, the naturally occurring organic lignin-cellulose composite. "I decided to acquire a number of books about wood from the library, and I was quite surprised to read that wood comes from trees or shrubs," said Upton, who admitted that the new information had precipitated a personal paradigm shift in regard to his assumptions about baseball bats. "While there is some knowledge I can acquire from reading, I believe it will eventually be necessary to perform a number of trials to test the interactions of kinetic energy, acceleration, wood, and ball in a controlled batting-cage environment." In 2007, Upton conducted an experiment to determine the number of stitches on a baseball, but abandoned the endeavor when he concluded that baseballs were too curvy to establish a proper tally. 
Jack White Teams Up With NBA Commissioner David Stern In Latest Side Project #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Saying that he likes the raw, untrained quality of Stern's vocals, White Stripes front man Jack White has teamed up with NBA commissioner David Stern in his latest side project, called Lakota Brick. According to the 33-year-old White, the band consists of himself, primarily on reed organ, and Stern, 66, on vocals and electric guitar. "The Raconteurs allowed me to experiment with more of a poppy sound, and the Dead Weather is more loose and sexual. I think in Lakota Brick, with David's ability to attack the microphone, we get something completely unhinged and almost frightening," said White, adding that the band recorded its first album, Confederation Of Seven, in one week at his Nashville studio. "David is also an excellent lyricist. He came in with about a dozen composition notebooks filled with songs, and he also did the album's artwork." White added that Lakota Brick would be performing a series of surprise concerts throughout New Zealand in August.
I Guess I'm Sort Of Like The 'Dad' Of This Family #~# Man, do I get a kick out of these kids. Take Scott, for instance. He's got one hell of a throwing arm. Burns 'em right into the glove. Diana's really growing up to be quite a beautiful and intelligent young lady. Not to mention that Bradley, Jr.—what a cutup! Where he gets his sense of humor, I'll never know. We haven't spent a ton of time together, sure, but I get the feeling they like me, too, in their own way. I suppose you could even call me the "dad" of our little group.
Biden Requests To Be Named Special Envoy To Reno #~# WASHINGTON—Saying there are national security matters that "need sorting out down there," Vice President Joe Biden requested Friday an appointment as special envoy to the city of Reno, NV. Saying he had already done some of the preliminary work necessary to establish relations with the city, Biden assured President Obama that he had even made significant headway with a local dignitary named Candi. "Though the United States has not, historically, found it necessary to establish diplomatic relations within our own boundaries, the vice president did make a very convincing argument," White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel said. "Although I'm not sure why he was so insistent about getting diplomatic immunity for the weekend." While Obama was noncommittal about the appointment, he did grant Biden the special 26E2BVP license plate the vice president had been asking about for months.
30 Years Of The Walkman #~# Portable music became a reality 30 years ago with the introduction of the Sony Walkman. What do you think? 
American Masters #~# PBS
Movie Not Nearly As Awful As Hoped #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying it was a waste of $11, Los Angeles resident Dan Bevver expressed disappointment Sunday that The Taking Of Pelham 1 2 3 was not nearly as bad as he had been anticipating. After going in with expectations of hammy acting and clichéd dialogue, Bevver was irritated to find an adequate retelling of the 1974 film, with performances that ranged from acceptable to decent. "I really thought this was going to be Battlefield Earth bad," Bevver said. "It had all the makings of a total shit-show: an unnecessarily reworked script, lots of explosions, Travolta with a mustache. But it was kind of watchable. What a shame." In order to salvage his night, Bevver went home and fell asleep midway through Leonard Part 6.
Karl Malden Dead #~# Actor Karl Malden, known for his work in A Streetcar Named Desire and The Streets Of San Francisco, died at 97. What do you think? 
Nation About Due For Big Cult Suicide #~# WASHINGTON—Citing a general feeling that it has been a while since one last occurred, the FBI warned Monday that the nation should prepare for the possibility of some kind of crazy, cult-related mass suicide.
Postal Workers Offered Buyout #~# Thirty thousand employees of the United States Postal Service have been offered a $15,000 incentive to quit, which would save the troubled agency $500 million next fiscal year. What do you think 
Lou Piniella Lauded For Not Getting Anyone's Hopes Up This Year #~# CHICAGO—Cubs fans, players, and employees alike are universally praising manager Lou Piniella for masterfully lowering their expectations and preparing them much earlier in the season for another year without a World Series victory. "The last two seasons have been heartbreaking, but this year he's done an incredible job of showing everyone the Cubs don't have a chance in hell way before we can start getting optimistic," said lifelong Cubs fan and Wilmette resident Michael Baskin, who added that he was excited to not worry about a postseason meltdown. "That's exactly what any real Cubs fan wants in a manager. He really earned his money this year." Baskin went on to clarify that he would never consider stabbing Piniella with an ice pick, nor have he and his friends ever fantasized about surrounding the Cubs manager in the Wrigley Field parking lot and brutally beating him to death with baseball bats.
News Of Jenna Elfman Sitcom Sends Herd Of Buffalo Into Wild Stampede #~# WYOMING—Hundreds of buffalo thundered across the Wyoming plains Thursday after news of actress Jenna Elfman's latest sitcom, Accidentally On Purpose, spooked the unsuspecting herbivores. Upon learning of the new CBS comedy about a single woman who finds herself pregnant after a one-night stand with a much younger guy, the buffalo charged en masse, responding as if by instinct alone. "A stampede of this magnitude is extremely rare," said Howard Kremer, a specialist in herd-bound behavior who noted that this was one of the most destructive events of its kind he had ever seen. "Only a large enough threat, such as an approaching pack of wolves, or a quirky prime-time vehicle built around the former costar of Dharma And Greg, could trigger it." At press time, the frightened herd had run itself off a nearby cliff, so blind was its desire to escape the hijinks and hilarity airing Mondays this fall.
Conspiracy Theorist Convinces Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Was Faked #~# LEBANON, OHIO—Apollo 11 mission commander and famed astronaut Neil Armstrong shocked reporters at a press conference Monday, announcing he had been convinced that his historic first step on the moon was part of an elaborate hoax orchestrated by the United States government.
Popular Science's Future Of #~# SCIENCE
Dan Patrick Assumed More People Would Be At Craig Kilborn's Birthday Party #~# LOS ANGELES—Following Craig Kilborn's 47th birthday party last Monday, former ESPN colleague Dan Patrick told reporters he was surprised at the celebration's low turnout, saying he was sure there would be more than six attendees at the event. "It definitely looked like Craig was expecting more people," said Patrick, adding that sports anchor Charlie Steiner didn't even show up. "There was a spread of food that could have easily served 60 guests, and tons of unopened bottles of champagne. Maybe I got there too late or left too early?" Patrick said that he took his cue to go home when an intoxicated Kilborn asked if anyone could tell him "just what the fuck it is I do for a living because I sure as shit don't know."
Unstable Relative, Toddler Compete For Attention At Family Get-Together #~# LOWELL, MA—What was meant to be a relaxing family gathering was transformed into a heated, hours-long competition on Saturday, as 3-year-old Nicholas Aunchman and 41-year-old Sandy Aunchman vied with one another for the attention of their relatives.
Moving Day #~# TLC
Sanford Vows To Complete Term #~# South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, who disappeared for several days in June to visit his Argentine lover, has stated that he will not resign despite outside pressure to do so. What do you think? 
Big Ten Peace Summit Fails To End Century-Long Michigan, Ohio State Rivalry #~# PARK RIDGE, IL—Claiming that the wounds of their past ran far too deep, representatives from the Ohio State Buckeyes and the Michigan Wolverines announced Tuesday that they were unable to negotiate a truce to their complex rivalry at last week's historic Big Ten Peace Summit. "The fact that talks broke down was unfortunate, but that both sides were willing to finally come to the table is certainly a step in the right direction," said summit host and Big Ten Commissioner James Delaney, who was flanked by coaches Jim Tressel and Rich Rodriguez. "Until Michigan recognizes Ohio State as 1973's true Rose Bowl representative, and Ohio State fans acknowledge the legitimacy of Michigan's statehood by immediately halting any singing of the song, 'We Don't Give A Damn For The Whole State Of Michigan,' none of these important talks can move forward." After leaving the summit, both Tressel and Rodriguez were killed in a series of coordinated team-bus bombs.
Fucker Riding Man's Ass Whole Way Out To Cleveland #~# TWINSBURG, OH—Jesus Christ, area man Mark Hurley cannot fucking believe this dumb shit who has been riding his ass all the way out to Cleveland, even though they're traveling on an empty three-lane highway. The asshole, who, for some reason refuses to just pass already, practically pulled into Hurley's backseat two hours ago, outside Toledo. "Come on!" Hurley reportedly hollered back at the goddamn lunatic, who is not only out of his mind, but apparently wants to get them both killed. "What the hell?" As of press time, oh God, you've got to be kidding, the fucker just turned on his high beams.
Nation's Unemployment Outlook Improves Drastically After Fifth Beer #~# WASHINGTON—Despite ongoing economic woes and a jobless rate that has been approaching 10 percent, U.S. unemployment projections drastically improved Monday after the consumption of five beers.
Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama's Placenta #~# WASHINGTON–In the continuing controversy surrounding the president's U.S. citizenship, a new fringe group informally known as "Afterbirthers" demanded Monday the authentication of Barack Obama's placenta from his time inside his mother's womb. "All we are asking is that the president produce a sample of his fetal membranes and vessels—preferably along with a photo of the crowning and delivery—and this will all be over," said former presidential candidate and Afterbirthers spokesman Alan Keyes, later adding that his organization would be willing to settle for a half-liter of maternal cord plasma. "To this day, the American people have not seen a cervical mucus plug, let alone one that has been signed and notarized by a state-certified Hawaiian health official. If the president was indeed born in the manner in which he claims, then where is his gestation sac?" Keyes said that if Obama did not soon produce at least a bloody bedsheet from his conception, Afterbirthers would push forward with efforts to exhume the president's deceased mother and inspect the corpse's pelvic bone and birth canal.
John Madden Blasts Cris Collinsworth's Hoagie Knowledge #~# PLEASANTON, CA—Retired color commentator John Madden, 73, attacked announcer Cris Collinsworth's broadcasting abilities Monday, accusing his replacement on Sunday Night Football of lacking "even the most basic hoagie knowledge" and failing to provide in-depth meat, cheese, and bread analysis. 
Name One Masterpiece Of Cinema That I've Starred In #~# My friends and I were sitting around yesterday having a casual conversation about how the one thing all great actors have in common is that they have all starred in at least one classic piece of cinema. For my good friend Al Pacino it's obviously The Godfather and Dog Day Afternoon. For Robert De Niro there's Raging Bull and Taxi Driver. And for Diane Keaton, a no-brainer: Annie Hall. 
Jessica Biel Searches Infectious #~# According to a study by McAfee, 20 percent of all searches for actress Jessica Biel will return results infected with a virus or malware. What do you think? 
Nipsey Russell Estate Releases Volume Of Previously Unpublished Couplets #~# LOS ANGELES—Nipseyan scholars were jubilant Monday following the announcement that the Russell estate had consented to publish the last remaining archive of unpublished verse from the Match Game and $10,000 Pyramid star. "Today is a historic day for true admirers of short, playful poetry," said Nipsey Russell heir and legatee Nipsey Jr. "With the addition of these long-lost couplets, Mr. Russell's masterful oeuvre is at last complete." Among a number of other treasures, the volume promises complete drafts and notes for the seminal 1979 work, "If you date a girl from Three Mile Island/ You'll have more exciting nights/ You can see just what you're doing/ Even after you turn out the lights."
Rare Centuple Play Ends Mets' Season #~# MIAMI—In a sudden end to a trying year, the Mets' Jeff Francoeur lined into a rare centuple play against the Florida Marlins Wednesday, which by rule cut New York's season short. "I hit it on the screws, but it just happened to be in a spot where they could turn a hundred," said Francoeur, who watched helplessly as Marlins second baseman Dan Uggla tagged everyone in the Mets dugout before heading into the clubhouse and tagging both equipment manager Charlie Samuels and physical therapist John Zajac. "You take a risk by starting the runners but I didn't think he'd have enough time to run up to the executive suite and get [Mets GM] Omar [Minaya] and [team owner] Fred [Wilpon]. I guess by the 80th out we'd all just given up." This was the most outs recorded on a single play since the 2004 Montreal Expos were eradicated from the league after hitting into an ∞-play. 
Eat-In-Moderation Your Ass Off #~# OXYGEN
Market Evidently Capable Of Supporting More Than One Reality Show About Cake #~# CHICAGO—Though the stock market remains shaky and consumer spending has reached a standstill, the U.S. economy is apparently still robust enough to produce nearly half a dozen television shows about cake. "This flies in the face of basic economic theory," University of Chicago economist John Holloway said Friday, referring to such programs as Ace Of Cakes, Cake Boss, and Last Cake Standing. "Despite the worst recession in a generation, these shows somehow make enough money to pay for sets, celebrity hosts, producers, camera crews—not to mention the cakes themselves—all so people can see a dessert that looks like a Dr. Seuss character." Holloway made it clear, however, that no known mathematical model has yet been able to explain why in the hell anyone would watch those Real Housewives Of Whatever shows.
Calley Apologizes For My Lai Massacre #~# Lt. William Calley, the only soldier to be held legally accountable for the 1968 massacre at My Lai, Vietnam, apologized in a speech to the Kiwanis Club of Greater Columbus, GA. What do you think? 
Socialites Without Borders Teach Rwandans How To Mingle #~# KIGALI, RWANDA—In an effort to provide relief to a people devastated by civil war, genocide, and poverty, members of the humanitarian aid group Socialites Without Borders spent several hours this week teaching destitute Rwandans how to mingle.
Let Me Show You Our New Line Of Bullshit #~# Excuse me, sir, I couldn't help but notice you checking out our bullshit section over here. Now, most of the people that come in here don't know what they're looking for, but I see you and I say to myself, this guy, this is the kind of guy I can manipulate until he purchases something he doesn't need. So, tell me, what can I do to send you home with some of our bullshit?
Local Man A Paper-Towel Black Hole #~# DENVER—Apartment 3A sources confirmed Tuesday that 26-year-old Stephen Refkin has become a gaping, all-consuming vortex from which no paper towel roll is capable of escaping. "He uses so many paper towels," roommate Jeff Dunowitz said Thursday, estimating that over the past month three eight-packs of Bounty Basic have vanished into the limitless void. "As soon as he buys them, they're gone." If left unchecked, many theorize that Refkin could collapse into a gravitational singularity, threatening surrounding napkins, tissues, and perhaps even toilet paper.
Stadium Bursts Out Laughing After Jamie Moyer Pitch #~# PHILADELPHIA—A subpar season during which Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer has amassed a five-plus ERA and been demoted to the bullpen got worse Sunday after the 46-year-old veteran uncorked a 73-mph fastball, eliciting spontaneous laughter and giggles from each of the 43,489 fans at Citizens Bank Park. "I thought it was the most hilarious joke, but then I saw the look on his face and I realized he was serious," said attendee Matthew King, who added that he was barely able to keep a straight face for the rest of the game. "When the pitch speed didn't even register on the scoreboard, beer literally shot out my nose. My entire section was doubled over. Even the batter [Mark Reynolds] was just crying laughing." Immediately following the pitch, a tearful Moyer sprinted off the field and yelled at manager Charlie Manuel, saying that it was Manuel's fault that he was on the mound in the first place. 
Smokey The Bear Turns 65 #~# The USDA Forest Service mascot Smokey Bear turned 65 earlier this month. What do you think? 
The Dishes #~# FOOD
Op-Ed Sparks Whole Foods Boycott #~# Whole Foods CEO John Mackey wrote an op-ed for the Wall Street Journal in which he said that health care was not a right guaranteed by the Constitution, prompting a nationwide boycott of the organic grocery chain. Here are some of the other statements in the piece that infuriated customers:
Justice Stevens Renews Vows To Supreme Court In Emotional Reconfirmation Hearing #~# WASHINGTON—In a stirring display of his commitment to the institution he pledged his life to 34 years ago, Associate Justice John Paul Stevens renewed his vows to the U.S. Supreme Court Tuesday. Entering the courtroom in a long flowing robe, Stevens walked down the aisle toward a misty-eyed Chief Justice John Roberts, who stood waiting to re-administer the oath. "I, John Paul Stevens, do solemnly swear to faithfully and impartially discharge and perform all the duties incumbent upon me, till death do I part," declared a radiant Stevens. "I only wish [late President] Gerald [Ford] could have been here to give me away again." The ceremony was followed by a modest but elegant reception at the Kennedy Center, where Roberts and the 89-year-old Stevens shared the honorary first dance. 
Ted DiBiase Worried About Current Status Of His Million Dollars #~# BEL, CA—Once known for his extravagant spending and diamond-studded outfits, former professional wrestler "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase has reportedly fallen on hard times, admitting Tuesday that he did not know the exact status of his $1 million fortune. "Well, the economy has been real bad lately, and Virgil has made some terrible investments over the years," said DiBiase, shaking his head and adding that he hadn't slowly counted a stack of bills in the backseat of a limousine in more than a decade. "I also lost track of where my briefcase is, and that had about $5,000 plus a bunch of IOUs in it." DiBiase went on to claim that "everybody has a price," and said he was currently accepting offers to kiss people's feet for $100.
Ex-DHS Chief Asserts Terror Alerts Gamed Election #~# In his new book, former head of the Department of Homeland Security Tom Ridge says that the Bush administration pressured him to raise the terror alert level in order to influence the 2004 election. What do you think?
Dog Humiliated In Front Of Entire Park #~# CONCORD, NH—Banjo, a local border collie mix and loyal human companion, was utterly humiliated Tuesday, when his owner, 34-year-old Michael Ingram, loudly scolded the dog right in the middle of Cold Brook Park.
Pets Cooking Things #~# ANIMAL
Area Man To Hang Out At McDonald's For 20 Minutes Until Lunch Menu Goes Up #~# ERIE, PA—Upon being informed by a McDonald’s cashier that the lunch menu would not be available until 11 a.m., restaurant patron Don Turnbee elected to wait 20 minutes inside the fast food establishment Saturday until the items he ordered would be served. 
British Royal Family Concerned After Queen Elizabeth II Beheads 7 Tourists #~# LONDON—Sources close to the British royal family confirmed Tuesday that relatives of Queen Elizabeth II have privately expressed feelings of uneasiness ever since an incident last week in which the 83-year-old sovereign ordered guards to decapitate seven tourists having their picture taken outside Buckingham Palace. “She just doesn’t seem herself lately,” Charles, Prince of Wales, is reported to have said. “Wandering around the palace at all hours of the night, turning lights on and off, trying to disband Parliament, putting aluminum foil in the microwave. It’s all a bit troubling.” Despite an accident late last week, during which Elizabeth II called for all of England to fight off the Normans, family members claimed that she is doing remarkably well for her age.
Michael Vick Embarrassed After Accidentally Burning Down Lincoln Financial Field #~# PHILADELPHIA—Newly acquired Eagles quarterback Michael Vick was "humiliated" Tuesday after an iron he had left unattended inside the team's locker room sparked a blaze that eventually burned Lincoln Financial Field to the ground. "I just wanted to press some shirts so I could look nice and make a good impression on the team, but now everybody is going to hate me," said Vick, choking back tears as he surveyed the still smoldering remains of the $518 million stadium. "I didn't mean to do it. I tried really hard to put out the fire, but when I smothered the flames they just got bigger and everything started burning. I'm super sorry. I promise it won't happen again." Vick, who said he did not notify police or the fire department because it would violate the conditions of his reinstatement, added that the stadium might be fine once it cools down.
No One In Stadium Quite Sure Why Muhammad Ali Being Honored #~# ST. LOUIS—Unsure whether it was the famous boxer's birthday, his death, the anniversary of one of his historic fights, or some other previously unknown connection to St. Louis, a bewildered crowd at the Edward Jones Dome remained confused Friday night as to why Muhammad Ali was being honored during a preseason game between the Rams and Falcons. "Oh my God, wow, is he actually here or something?" asked Rams fan Chris Anderson, whose confusion was not cleared up after watching a montage of Ali on the JumboTron. "Okay, looks like we're giving him a standing ovation now. That's fine. I mean, it's Muhammad Ali." According to stadium officials, the mysterious ceremony honoring the former heavyweight champion was a commercial for Budweiser American Ale.
Swiss Bank To Name Clients #~# After reaching an agreement with U.S. authorities, the Swiss bank UBS is providing the IRS with the names of 4,450 American clients. What do you think? 
Study: 74% Of Children Tenting Out In Yard Don't Make It Through The Night #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new report released this week by the Department of Health and Human Services, 74 percent of all American children camping out in their backyards never, ever make it through the night.
Wave To Everyone Who Passes By Or Get Off My Boat #~# Ok, that is it. I'm cutting the engines. We are not moving from this spot until one thing is made perfectly clear: Every single person aboard The Relaxer will wave exuberantly at anyone we pass or anyone who passes us, whether they are on shore or aboard another watercraft of any type, from cigarette boat on down to canoe. No exceptions.
Chubby Jewish Boy Dreams Of One Day Being Next Apatow Muse #~# EVANSTON, IL—Sources close to Arthur Meyer reported that the overweight Jewish teen hopes to someday inspire film producer Judd Apatow to create a series of comedic vehicles for him to star in. According to friends and family members, the 14-year-old is working to develop the persona of a foul-mouthed, emotionally stunted young man who seems hopelessly crude and self-indulgent but is ultimately lovable and capable of redemption. "I've been practicing having 'guy moments' with my pals where we call each other gay, but not like in a bad way," said Meyer. "I just want to be a movie star who plays an everyday guy who spends all his time looking at or discussing pornography, and then somehow winds up dating hot chicks." At press time, Apatow had already produced six films slated for a 2010 release with Meyer in the lead role.
Robert Novak Dead #~# Columnist Robert Novak, notable most recently for his role in the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame, died Tuesday. What do you think? 
Notable Quarterback Controversies #~# Competition for starting jobs is heating up across the NFL, as is the potential for a quarterback controversy. Onion Sports takes a look at the greatest QB squabbles of all time:
Mets Retaliate For David Wright Beaning By Murdering Pablo Sandoval #~# NEW YORK—After a 94-mph beaning last weekend landed Mets star David Wright on the 15-day disabled list, his teammates retaliated Monday by ruthlessly stabbing San Francisco Giants third baseman Pablo Sandoval to death. "Hey, it's just part of the game," blood-soaked pitcher Mike Pelfrey said at an evening press conference. "If your pitcher is going to hit one of our guys, we're going to react. And we'll do that by cornering one of your guys in a dark parking lot at night, slamming his head into a car door, thrusting knives repeatedly into his chest and stomach, and leaving him there to bleed in silence until he's found dead the next morning. That's baseball." As of press time, both teams had been warned by home plate umpire Phil Cuzzi.
Lazy Puma Exec Pitches Commercial Where Usain Bolt Runs Away From Something #~# BOSTON—Puma advertising executive Paul Dewitt delivered a halfhearted, ill-conceived presentation Monday during which he pitched a number of 30-second TV commercials depicting Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt running away or toward various places and things.
Last Call With Carson Daly #~# NBC
Newly Discovered Recordings Reveal Beatles Actually Terrible Group #~# LONDON—Just days after the discovery of several previously unreleased Beatles recordings in the attic of Abbey Road Studios, fans and critics across the globe have renounced their enthusiasm for the rock and roll band that was once revered by millions. "This unfortunate find has forced music historians to completely reassess the talents of John, Paul, George, and Ringo," said Beatles scholar Mark Lewisohn, who has dated the tapes to early 1968. "These songs are awful. That one sax solo alone has utterly negated the genius of Magical Mystery Tour and Rubber Soul combined. Certainly this missing link goes a long way toward explaining their solo careers." In reaction to the discovery, Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys has shown dramatic signs of improved mental health.
Marijuana Growers Linked To California Fire #~# A cooking fire started by marijuana growers linked to a Mexican cartel is said to be responsible for burning around 90,000 acres of the Los Padres National Forest. What do you think?
Congress Deadlocked Over How To Not Provide Health Care #~# WASHINGTON—After months of committee meetings and hundreds of hours of heated debate, the United States Congress remained deadlocked this week over the best possible way to deny Americans health care.
Mamet To Direct 'Anne Frank' #~# Pulitzer Prize–winning playwright David Mamet is writing and directing a new film version of The Diary Of Anne Frank. Here are some highlights from his adaptation:
You Kids Are Old Enough Now To Hate For Yourselves #~# There comes a time in every father's life when he has to step back and let his children start thinking for themselves. You boys are getting older now, and your mother and I won't always be there to remind you about us and them. Before long, you'll both be off at college, so I hope you've been paying attention to all the things I've told you kids about Mexicans, Arabs, and the blacks.
Kiss With Wife Pretty Good #~# DENTON, TX—Forty-one-year-old printer repairman and husband Nils Holzer was shocked by the quality of a kiss he shared with his wife before going to work last Tuesday. The kiss, which experts estimate to be the couple's 4,287th, lasted eight seconds longer than their previous and featured more animation on the part of both participants. "Well, whadaya know?" Holzer said. "That was pretty all right. She even moved her hands around on my back. I forgot about that." Holzer thought about the kiss for most of the day, and was at press time considering doing something nice for her, like buying some of those daisies she likes.
Tom Coughlin Moves Up Ahmad Bradshaw On Team's Death Chart #~# NEW YORK—Giants coach Tom Coughlin listed Ahmad Bradshaw at the top of the team's death chart Tuesday, claiming that if the running back continued to miss blocking assignments and drop screen passes, he would face certain execution by opening day. "From what I've seen so far in camp, Ahmad has been messing up on all the little things that infuriate me," said Coughlin, adding that Bradshaw's consistency at practice earned him the top spot on the death chart ahead of linebacker Antonio Pierce, who has recently struggled with legal troubles. "He's really left a lasting impression on me, and if he keeps it up, he'll definitely be the guy that the other players are gunning for." Coughlin reportedly allowed Bradshaw to take the morning off from Wednesday's practice to say goodbye to loved ones and finish digging his grave.
Milwaukee Mayor Beaten With Pipe #~# While calling 911 to report an assault at the Wisconsin State Fair, Milwaukee mayor Tom Barrett was attacked by a 20-year-old man wielding a metal pipe. What do you think? 
Polite And Modest Brides #~# OXYGEN
Film Adaptation Of 'The Brothers Karamazov' Ends Where Most People Stop Reading Book #~# LOS ANGELES—Executives at Paramount Pictures announced Monday that production had finally wrapped on The Brothers Karamazov, a new film adaptation that concludes at the precise moment most readers give up on the classic Russian novel. 
Documentary Manny Ramirez Talking About Turns Out To Be 'Billy Madison' #~# LOS ANGELES—After less than five minutes listening to Manny Ramirez describe a "powerful documentary" about a son who struggles to take over his father's business, Dodgers teammates concluded that the perennial all-star was actually talking about the 1995 Adam Sandler comedy Billy Madison. "I kind of figured it was Billy Madison when Manny started talking about 'the bad man' who tried to take the company from the opera singer from Saturday Night Live," teammate Mark Loretta said. "And when he said the most interesting part was learning that penguins can 'grow to be as tall as men,' that pretty much clinched it." Ramirez later told his teammates he was looking forward to a new documentary about the the auto industry, in which an overweight man and a skinny man travel across America in an attempt to sell brake pads.
Cheney To Slam Bush In New Book #~# In his forthcoming memoirs, former vice president Dick Cheney will reportedly air grievances he had with his onetime boss. What do you think? 
CNBC: 'Anyone Who Owns A Suit Can Come On Television' #~# ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Citing a need to provide quality programming 24 hours a day, CNBC has extended an invitation to anyone who owns a suit to drop by the financial news network and be a guest expert, cohost a show with Larry Kudlow, or do whatever. "Don't worry about what kind of shape your suit is in," said CNBC president Mark Hoffman, who explained that his network's studio has an iron and some old phone books that people can press their jackets on. "Just come on down, run a comb through your hair, and if you're here by 8 a.m., we'll have you on Squawk Box at 8:15 making stock picks. But don't forget your suit!" Hoffman added that men of ruddy complexion with neck sizes exceeding 19 inches are not required to wear a tie. 
Josh McDaniels Checks NFL.com To See What Other Teams Are In The League #~# ENGLEWOOD, CO—First-year coach Josh McDaniels took some time out from training camp to familiarize himself with the Broncos' competition Tuesday, spending the afternoon on the league's official website to see what other teams were members of the National Football League. "There are way more than I thought there'd be," said McDaniels, who was "shocked" to learn that franchises calling themselves the Kansas City Chiefs, Oakland Raiders, and San Diego Chargers were not only in the NFL, but were actually in the same "division" as the Broncos. "I'd heard of the Steelers, obviously, but other than that, I thought it was just us and the Chiefs. Ooh, here's one called 'the Titans!'" When informed that there was an entirely separate conference called the NFC, McDaniels told reporters in the room to "get out of town."
Mom Has Some Wild New Ideas For Dressing Son This Year #~# TIGARD, OR—In preparation for the upcoming school year, local mother Karen Dougherty, 43, has been working on some fresh and exciting new clothing options for her 10-year-old son, Michael, the excited mom told reporters Wednesday.
2009 World Series Of Poker #~# ESPN
Bounty, Brawny CEOs Wearing Down Patience Of Mutual Friend #~# WEST PATTERSON, NJ—Though he has maintained a close friendship with both men for nearly a decade, Miles McCormick, 42, admitted Tuesday that the strain of managing tensions between the CEOs of Bounty and Brawny was becoming too much to bear. "Every time I'm with one, all he wants to do is badmouth the other," said McCormick, who recently spent an entire lunch numbly listening to accusations that Brawny had stolen the design for its new Country Market print from an almost identical Bounty product. "He just went on and on about how the nation's so-called leading paper-towel manufacturer couldn't tell the difference between flex-quilting and a hole in the ground. I'm sick of it." Exhausted by the endless backbiting, McCormick told his friends that until they worked out their differences, he'd be using rags.
Bat Boy Easily Holds Shane Victorino Back During Argument With Umpire #~# PHILADELPHIA—Eight-year-old, 67-pound Phillies bat boy Joey Potts effortlessly restrained Shane Victorino from a dispute with plate umpire Ed Rapuano after the center fielder's ejection in the seventh inning Sunday night. "He was really light and easy to push down," Potts told reporters of the 28-year-old professional baseball player. "I was just trying to help because I didn't want Mr. Victorino to get in trouble, but then he was just on the ground screaming that I broke his back. He screamed kind of like a girl." Potts apologized to Victorino the following day during an emotional press conference in which both cried.
Would-Be Ford Assassin Released #~# After 34 years in prison, former Manson family member Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme was released from prison today. What do you think?
Pantene Markets New Shampoo As Best For Masturbating Boyfriend In Shower #~# CINCINNATI—In an attempt to capture a wider share of the marketplace, the Procter & Gamble corporation launched a campaign Monday to rebrand its popular Pro-V line of shampoos as the leading hair-care product for women with dry, brittle hair who also wish to manually bring their boyfriends to climax while showering.
Moving On Up…To The Cheap Side! #~# Well, hello there, loyal readers. So good of you to drop by. Please, won't you step into the foyer? Or at least point to it and tell me where it is? Because I haven't the slightest clue! You guessed it, it's moving day 'round the Dudek household. Rosemary and I sold our house and found a smaller place to match my smaller paychecks. And it's a good thing, too. Right now our budget is stretched thinner than Joan Rivers' forehead. (And that's thin!)
Ex-Wife, Divorce Lawyer Killed As Model Train Careens Off Tracks #~# KOFSKY BASEMENT—In an accident that model train conductor Howard Kofsky called "a real goddamn shame," an 8-inch passenger car carrying his ex-wife Jillian Gilpin and her divorce attorney Pete Koechman careened off the tracks Monday after a miniature truss bridge suddenly and mysteriously went missing. "Jillian died on impact," the 44-year-old Kofsky said while standing over the wreckage in his boxer shorts. "That snake lawyer, though, he suffered a broken back, neck, legs, arms, face, fingers, and ribs, and was bleeding internally a lot. Also, he was burned alive after a giant lighter came down from the sky and set him on fire." According to basement sources, this is the eighth time that both Kofsky's ex-wife and her legal prosecutor have perished this month.
2009 NFL Training Camp Highlights #~# Matt Cassel asks his Chiefs teammates if anyone else feels like an idiot wearing a football helmet and shorts
Cost To Raise Child Exceeds $200,000 #~# According to a report from the United States Department of Agriculture, it will cost a total of $221,190 to raise a child born in 2008. What do you think? 
Tony Dungy Casually Asks Michael Vick If Dogfighting Was Fun #~# HAMPTON, VIRGINIA—During a preseason conditioning workout Tuesday, Michael Vick's de facto mentor, Tony Dungy, peppered the troubled quarterback with innocent questions about the sport of dogfighting, offhandedly inquiring about how "cool" it is. "So, yeah, how fun was that, anyway, the whole dogfighting thing?" asked Dungy, while the two jogged side-by-side during a cooldown. "Must have been a real rush watching those dogs go at it like that, huh? Morally reprehensible, of course, but, man, it's got to be tempting to head back to the pit and just mix it up a little. Good thing you're not doing that anymore. So bad." Dungy later showed Vick a photo of his new pit bull, Tex, and asked him what he thought.
Still-Rattled Padraig Harrington Wears Golf Shoes To Airport, Gets On Wrong Flight, Forgets Name #~# PAPILLION, NE—Four days after a disappointing final round at the Bridgestone Invitational, during which he gave up a three-shot lead to Tiger Woods, frazzled PGA Tour player Padraig Harrington has been unable to recover from the traumatic loss and is currently wandering aimlessly around a small Nebraska town, completely unaware of who he is or where he is supposed to be.
Bravo Coming Out Party #~# BRAVO
Sotomayor To Add Ballistics Expertise To Already Deadly Supreme Court #~# WASHINGTON—In addition to her extensive command of corporate law, intellectual property cases, and arbitration, Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor also brings a world-class knowledge of ballistics and experimental weaponry to an already deadly Supreme Court, analysts said this week. "Justice Sotomayor's unique knowledge of flares and boosters will be a welcome addition to the nation's highest judicial body, providing a perfect complement to Breyer's stick-fighting, Kennedy's psyops, and Ginsburg's melee skills," legal scholar Toni Martello said. "After the recent loss of Souter's crack archery and hotwiring talents, the Court will have to do all it can to stay lethal." Court observers are still unsure as to what value Justice Thomas' expert napping abilities could possibly be adding.
Teenage Rebels Seize Control Of Food Court's Corner Table #~# HOLLAND, MI—According to mall personnel, a roving gang of 15-year-old rebels captured a corner table at the Woodland Mall food court Sunday in a forceful act of nonconformity that displaced families and caused concern among business owners. Some believe the intimidating teenagers may belong to the same band of dissidents that has been gaining power in the shopping center's upper level since last Thursday's devastating verbal attack on a Lane Bryant beachwear display. Although the rebels have voiced opposition to all forms of authority and vowed to defend their position at any cost, an incoming strike by an extreme faction of 12th-grade jocks eventually forced them to retreat into a nearby Lids.
GM Selling Cars On eBay #~# In order to combat its sales slump, General Motors, in cooperation with about 225 dealerships, has begun selling cars on the auction website eBay. What do you think?
Congress Beginning To Suspect Senator Mark Warner Might Be Homeless #~# WASHINGTON—Citing a marked decline in his appearance and personal hygiene, as well as growing piles of personal items under and around his desk, members of Congress have begun to voice concerns that Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA) may be homeless.
News Corp. Losing Money #~# Last week, News Corp.—the parent company of Fox News, 20th Century Fox, the Fox Broadcasting Company, the New York Post, and other media properties—reported a fourth-quarter loss of $203 million. Here are some of the factors that led to this financial decline: 
I'm Sorry, But There Was Almost Nothing Else We Could Have Done #~# Please, sit down. I don't know how to say this, but I'm afraid your father didn't make it. I'm so sorry. I know nothing can make this tragic news easier to hear, but if it's any consolation, we did practically everything we could for him.
Area Man Has No Idea How To Get Copy Of Birth Certificate #~# AKRON, OH—Michael Stills, 25, told reporters Friday he had absolutely no idea how to obtain a copy of his birth certificate, a document that a potential employer has required him to provide before interviewing for a job. "I tried to get it online, but you can't," said Stills, who added that his mother refused to mail him her copy for fear it might get lost. "I called Akron General, but I didn't know which department to ask for, and I'm not actually sure that's the right hospital. Maybe the courthouse would have it?" As of press time, Stills said he had made no progress tracking down the document but had inadvertently applied for a commercial trucker's license while searching for information on the DMV website.
Umpire Disgusted By Catcher, Batter Flirting With Each Other #~# CLEVELAND—Following Tuesday night's game between the Twins and the Indians, home-plate umpire Sam Holbrook told reporters he was "getting nauseous" while watching Twins catcher Joe Mauer and Indians center fielder Grady Sizemore playfully giggle, tease, and brush up against each another during Sizemore's at bats. "Get a room," said Holbrook, who imitated the players with cartoonishly high-pitched voices and then pretended to vomit. "At one point, [Sizemore] called a time-out so he could stare into [Mauer's] eyes. That's not baseball. Plus, it's just plain gross." In a press conference after the game, Twins manager Ron Gardenhire spoke out on behalf of Mauer and Sizemore and claimed that flirting with your opponents "is and has always been part of the game."
Kim Jong Il In Control Of North Korea #~# Despite speculation to the contrary, White House national security adviser James L. Jones said Sunday that North Korean president Kim Jong Il has full range of his faculties. What do you think?
The Cameo Family #~# CBS
Little Butterball Holding Up Ice Cream Line #~# HARRISBURG, PA—According to witnesses who are sweating their nuts off, the line at the Baskin-Robbins is currently 12 people deep, thanks to an indecisive little butterball holding things up at the counter. Sources said the chubster, whose breath has almost completely fogged up the glass display case, already has chocolate on his shirt, and is now regarding the ice cream selection with the sort of glazed look typical of the heavily sedated. In the event that Mr. Porkpie ever makes up his mind, it is unlikely that he'll be able to reach into the pockets of his stretched-to-the-limit pants to pull out the money to oh my God, he just asked for another sample despite the fact that everybody in this goddamn line knows he's going to get the chocolate peanut butter. Store regulars said the situation wouldn't be so bad, but the manager had to run to the bank for change, leaving only Wendy behind the counter to wait on this sausage-boy, and she's no rocket scientist.
Chase Utley Feels Phillies Teammates Already Like Cliff Lee More Than Him #~# PHILADELPHIA—Despite having been with the team for more than six years, visibly upset Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley told reporters Monday that he can sense his teammates prefer the company of recent acquisition Cliff Lee to his own. "I really don't get it with these guys. I really don't," Utley said while first baseman Ryan Howard showed Lee around the clubhouse. "You see that? Ryan never puts his arm around me. Never. It's been five fucking years. He should be wanting me to put my arm around him." According to Phillies sources, when Utley approached his teammates and asked what more he needed to do, shortstop Jimmy Rollins said that "this," referring to Utley's approach and demeanor, "is definitely part of the problem."
John Hughes Dead #~# John Hughes, director of The Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller's Day Off, died suddenly at 59. What do you think? 
Sci-Fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To 'Quantum Flux' #~# ROLLA, MO—A reading of Gabriel Fournier's The Eclipse Of Infinity reveals that the new science-fiction novel makes more than 80 separate references to "quantum flux," a vaguely defined force the author uses to advance the plot, resolve conflict as needed, and account for dozens of glaring inconsistencies.
Brady Quinn Studies All Night For Written Portion Of QB Competition #~# CLEVELAND—Browns quarterback Brady Quinn announced Wednesday that he had been staying up all night to prepare for the written portion of the starting QB competition by learning the history of the Cleveland Browns, studying football vocabulary words, and memorizing all the symbols in the playbook. "I'm really organized and feel equipped to answer the toughest true or false, multiple choice, and fill-in-the-blank questions," said Quinn, who was spotted using a flashlight to study underneath the sheets of his training-camp bed. "I made flash cards, too. I know exactly where to position your hands when receiving the snap. And it took me a little while, but I can totally define a forward pass. I'm gonna ace this thing." Quinn, upon asking coach Eric Mangini the minimum word count for their quarterback essays and whether he would be graded on a curve, was reportedly told that the QB competition was over.
Area Man Spends Summer Having Wallet Stolen Across Europe #~# DECATUR, IL—Calling it a once-in-a-lifetime trip, and more exciting and enlightening than he could have ever imagined, Marcus Hayes, 22, returned home Monday after spending nearly two months getting his wallet stolen across Europe. 
Things Our Archive Department Accidentally Taped Over The Original Moon Landing Footage #~# CBS
Area Man Uses 'Big Buck Hunter' Score To Determine Ability To Drive Home #~# FAIRFIELD, IN—After spending five hours at Dunn's Irish Pub on Wednesday night, Michael Sampson, 31, was overheard citing his Big Buck Hunter score as proof of his sobriety, and thus his ability to safely operate a motor vehicle. "I shot the hell out of every one of those deer in the background, I didn't kill any does, plus I got bonus points at the end for gettin' those duck bastards," Sampson told bar patrons, staggering as he put down the game's gun-shaped neon-orange controller. "All right, let's go." Sampson then finished his beer, paid his tab, and severely injured all three passengers when he swerved off the road and slammed into a 10-point buck at 65 mph.
Controversial Sabermetrician Posits That There Is No Such Thing As Baseball #~# NEW YORK—Saying that there are no pitchers, fielders, or batters, only numbers and statistics, radical sabermetrician Kyle Osterman theorized Wednesday that there is no such thing as baseball.
Plague In China #~# Ziketan, a farming town of 10,000 in the Qinghai province of China, has been locked down in an attempt to prevent the spread of pneumonic plague. What do you think? 
Legion Of Terra-Cotta Mouseketeers Found Beneath Disney World #~# ORLANDO, FL—A Disney World maintenance crew performing routine electrical work below Cinderella Castle last week accidentally stumbled upon a mysterious underground chamber believed to contain more than 8,000 terra-cotta Mouseketeer statues dating back to 300 B.C.
We've Got Some Great News For Those Employees Who Hate Our 401(k) Matching Program #~# Here at Lowell's Cleaning Services, our greatest asset is our employees. We're always striving to make our company stronger, and we try to be open to your ideas for improvements. For quite some time now, we've been hearing that many of you aren't happy with our retirement savings plan. That's why, beginning next week, we will heed the advice of those who absolutely could not stand our generous 401(k) matching program by permanently eliminating it.
Criss Angel's Nephew Forced To Sit Through Another Lame Mindfreak #~# EAST MEADOW, NY—Sixteen-year-old Jake Howell groaned and rolled his eyes Monday evening as he was subjected to another embarrassing performance by his uncle, famed illusionist Criss Angel. "When I was younger, it was cool when he'd crank up some thrash metal, cut open his forearm, and remove a penny he'd just swallowed inscribed with my initials, but now I'm just like, come on, leave me alone and eat your dinner like a normal person," said Howell, who has requested he not be seated next to Angel during Thanksgiving this year. "I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending like he's freaking my mind." Debbie Howell, Criss' sister, added that while she too finds her brother's antics tiresome, she's just grateful he finally has a job with health insurance.
Unfair Technological Advantages In Sports #~# Michael Phelps struggled recently against competitors in high-tech swimsuits, but it was hardly the first time superior equipment gave someone an edge:
'Cash For Clunkers' Broke #~# Less than a month after it began, the federal "Cash for Clunkers" program—which provides owners of older vehicles with a $4,500 credit toward the purchase of a more fuel-efficient car—has run out of money. What do you think? 
Orlando Cabrera Hates Metrodome's Tuna Casserole Smell #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Recently acquired Twins shortstop Orlando Cabrera admitted Sunday that he is disgusted by the overpowering stench of tuna casserole in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome. "Every time I enter the stadium the awful smell makes me sick to my stomach," said Cabrera, adding that he was unable to determine the source of the foul odor but suspected years of tuna casserole might be ground into the seats, the FieldTurf, and the fabric of the Metrodome itself. "Why does it always stink like rancid mayonnaise and fish? Now the smell's in my uniform, too. I can't wait to leave for our road games." Twins owner Jim Pohlad, who claimed he could not smell anything abnormal, has reportedly denied Cabrera's requests to air out the Metrodome by perforating the roof.
Blue Jays GM Confirms There Never Really Was A 'Roy Halladay' #~# TORONTO—Responding to criticism that the team should have done more to deal star pitcher Roy Halladay by the trade deadline, Blue Jays general manager J.P. Ricciardi revealed at a press conference Monday that there was no such person as the alleged six-time All-Star.
Deliberate Bystander #~# NBC
Biden Invokes Freedom Of Information Act To Find Out When Woman Gets Off Work #~# WASHINGTON—Evoking the law that assures citizens access to government records, Vice President Joe Biden made a Freedom of Information Act request Friday, calling for the immediate release of documents disclosing when Jennifer Britmore gets off work.  "It is of utmost importance that government maintain openness and transparency so we can better prepare ourselves to be there when Jenny clocks out," Biden's statement read in part. "Moving forward, it will be vital to have access to information regarding her schedule, phone number, and whether or not those legs go up all the way."  Biden then contacted his sources in the Labor Department to request Britmore's resumé in order to better determine if she would let the attorney general watch. 
College Grad Suing Alma Mater #~# Trina Thompson, 27, is suing New York's Monroe College for $72,000 because she has not landed a job three months after graduating with a 2.7 grade point average. What do you think? 
Solitary Crow On Fence Post Portending Doom, Analysts Warn #~# GREELEY, NE—Experts confirmed Monday that a single black crow perched ominously on a fence post in rural Nebraska is almost certainly a harbinger of great doom and despair for all Americans.
New York Fighting Homelessness #~# New York City is currently offering its homeless a one-way flight to a city where they have relatives with whom they can stay. What else is the country's largest city doing to put an end to homelessness?
The Divorce Was Unfortunate, But I'm Glad We Handled It Like Total Animals #~# I can't believe it's really over. Twenty-three years of marriage, done. Signed away with a couple of forms. We used to be so in love. What ever happened? I suppose we'll never know. But if there's one thing I can take solace in after all this, it's the fact that—right up until the very end—we acted like heinous, backstabbing beasts.
Hush Falls Over Patriots Camp As Tom Brady's First 10 Passes Go 3 Yards #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Excitement surrounding the return of quarterback Tom Brady devolved into mute panic Thursday as each of Brady’s first 10 passes barely made it to the line of scrimmage. "Oh, God," said Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, breaking the silence that fell across the assembled players, coaches, and legions of fans who had just witnessed Brady’s ninth pass flutter slowly from his limp hand and land between his own feet. "Who’s our backup? Does anyone know who our backup is?" When asked for comment, wide receiver Randy Moss said he doesn’t care how poorly Brady throws the ball as long at it rolls in his direction.
Rapper Not Entirely Sure Who Else Is On This Track #~# NEW YORK—During a recording session last Tuesday, rapper Dwayne "Lil Wayne" Carter appeared uncertain as to who else was being featured on his newest track, sources inside the music industry reported. "Yo, check it, we comin' at you with Method [Man] and Redman and…uh, brother over there in the hat. Hatman," said Lil Wayne, whose single "O.G. Crunk" will be released later this month. "Okay, and we got this guy on my left, those two guys there gonna rock the mic, and, Dave, is that you?" The final mix of the seven-minute track reportedly ends with Lil Wayne handing the microphone to the participants one at a time and asking them to clearly state who they are and what they are here to do.
Researchers Find New Strain Of HIV #~# Scientists recently discovered a new strain of HIV that originated in gorillas but is now infecting humans. What do you think?
Chuck #~# NBC
Report: 89% Of Suzy Qs Never Make It Out Of Gas Station Parking Lots #~# WASHINGTON—According to a Commerce Department report released Friday, nearly nine out of every 10 Hostess Suzy Qs—the crème-filled devil's food snack cakes—are consumed within 30 feet of the gas stations where they are purchased. "While 64 percent are eaten on the way back to the car, a full quarter of all Suzy Qs are eaten in the gas station itself," the report read in part, noting that many of the cakes are ingested in the checkout line before they are even paid for. "The only time any part of the average Suzy Q exits the parking lot is when cake residue is still present on a wrapper that has been tossed on the backseat of a car." Commerce Secretary Gary Locke later told reporters that he foresees similar results for upcoming studies on Ring Dings, Zingers, and "those fruit pie things that come in the wax-paper wrappers." 
Blue Food Dye Helps Spinal Injuries #~# Researchers have found that the blue food dye found in M&Ms; and Gatorade may help new spinal injuries heal. What do you think? 
Sanyo Praying Area Man Doesn't Send In Rebate Form #~# OSAKA, JAPAN—Following Dayton, OH resident David Cinelli's purchase of a CLT-A230M cordless phone from his local Best Buy, electronics manufacturer Sanyo was plunged into chaos Monday over fears that Cinelli might attempt to redeem the $40 rebate coupon that came with the phone.
Extremely Patient Kevin Youkilis Works Count To 6-5 #~# BOSTON—Showing the discerning eye and patient bat that have become his hallmark, the Red Sox' Kevin Youkilis pushed a third-inning at bat to a six-and-five count before finally working a walk on Tuesday. "That 5-4 pitch was tough, but in that spot I'm looking for something to drive," said Youkilis, who was down 0-3 in the count before taking the next five pitches for balls. "My job there is to make the starter work, so I usually just take the first eight pitches or so to give myself an idea of what he's got to offer. Then I try to foul off another 10 or so to get his pitch count way up. A lot of people say the most important pitch is strike one, but I've always found it to be strike seven. Because at that point you're only three pitches away from strike 10." Despite the walk, Youkilis was cut down on the base paths trying to steal fourth base.
Man Running After Bus Delights Bus Occupants #~# CLEVELAND—Passengers aboard a northbound number 67 bus were reportedly filled with delight and joy Monday as they watched a fellow resident run helplessly after the rapidly departing vehicle. 
You Got Robbed! #~# CBS
Pentagon Report Concludes Too Many Soldiers Have Same Nickname #~# ARLINGTON, VA—An inquiry into last month's fatal midair collision of fighter planes piloted by Maj. John "Scorch" Basin and Col. Keith "Scorch" Vitullo has found that a dangerous number of U.S. servicemen use the same nickname. "For commanders on the ground, calling out 'O-Ring' or 'Stroke' and having multiple heads turn poses a logistical nightmare and a grave risk to our troops in the field," chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Michael "Scorch" Mullen told reporters Tuesday. "How are you supposed to launch a predawn raid on a terrorist safe house when you've got 40 different men answering to the name 'Tex'?" In an effort to combat the problem, the Navy has issued a directive ordering 16,000 sailors currently known as "Topside" to henceforth use the nickname "Petty Officer 2nd Class Douglas C. Romero."
Secret Service Investigating Facebook Poll #~# Facebook has suspended an application that allows its members to create polls after a user, who is now being investigated by the Secret Service, posed the question "Should Obama be killed?" What do you think? 
Obama Addresses U.N. #~# Last week, President Barack Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly. Here are some of the highlights of his speech:
Nation Demands Fresh Celebrity Meat #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Like famished dogs salivating before a warm and steaming carcass, a coalition of bloodthirsty Americans demanded this week that the entertainment industry provide them with newer, fresher celebrities to mercilessly devour.
It's Still Not Too Late To Greet Us As Liberators #~# Boy, how these last six years have flown by. Back in 2003, when we first arrived here in your country, we certainly didn't expect things to turn out the way they did. It seems like only yesterday we were marching into Baghdad, waiting to be greeted with shouts of gratitude and appreciation for saving you from the evil dictator who ruled your totalitarian state with an iron fist. Well, the surge is over and we're gonna roll pretty soon, so I just wanted to mention that it's not too late to greet us as liberators if you get the chance. 
After 40-Day Search, Authorities Finally Replace Missing Boy #~# WILMINGTON, NC—Following an exhaustive six-week search, federal and local authorities announced Monday that they have finally located a suitable replacement for abducted 3-year-old James Van Elst. "It took more than 500 man-hours to locate a child with the right eye and hair color, but we're very satisfied with the outcome of this case," said lead investigator Kevin Callahan, adding that the real Van Elst boy "was probably dead before we even knew he was missing." "To find, after all this time, a child who looks enough like James and is pretty much the same height—well, it's a miracle." James' parents said that while losing their son was a nightmarish experience they are thankful that whoever abducted their boy fed him so well that he gained about 20 pounds.
Polanski Arrested On 31-Year-Old Sex Charge #~# As he tried to enter Switzerland to receive a lifetime achievement award, filmmaker Roman Polanski was arrested in connection with the 1977 rape of an American 13-year-old. What do you think? 
Somebody Gave Kelsey Grammer Another Goddamn Show #~# ABC
NFL Scientists Postulate Theoretical Down Before First Down #~# NEW YORK—Citing the extremely low level of entropy present before a normal set of football downs, scientists from the NFL's quantum mechanics and cosmology laboratories spoke Monday of a theoretical proto-down before the first. "Ultimately, we believe there are an infinite number of proto-downs played before the first visible snap," lead NFL scientist Dr. Oliver Claussen said during a press conference, adding that the very last yocto-down is a by-product of leftover fourth downs from this universe, as well as those from a theoretical universe running along an arrow of time concurrent to our own. "It is our goal to isolate this microscopic down using a highly volatile electron beam with a physical isolation resolution of 500 angstroms or better. If all goes well, we can make this down available, and NFL teams will have one more chance to attain additional yards, a new set of downs, or even score." Claussen later stated that those in the field who talk of a fifth down after the fourth are only encouraging the practice of bad science.
Man's Facebook Status Given Book Deal #~# NEW YORK—HarperCollins Publishers announced Monday that 24-year-old Islip, NY resident Gerard Dillow has accepted its offer of $250,000 to publish his Facebook status from 56 minutes ago, which reads, "In it to win it, suckas." "We're confident that In It To Win It, Suckas will be a huge success when it hits stores next summer," editorial director Edith Dalrymple said of the forthcoming hardcover, which will feature a 140-character forward by Shit My Dad Says author Justin Halpern. "The fact that Gerard's status already has six 'likes' and seven comments—only two of which are from him—tells us this property has a solid built-in audience." Dillow's book will be released just two weeks after the film IKEA QUEEN BED FRAME AND BOX SPRING!!!!!!!!!! REDUCED PRICE!!!!!!!, which was optioned from the popular Craigslist post.
British Relax Assisted-Suicide Laws #~# A clarification of law makes it less likely that relatives of terminally ill people will be prosecuted in England for helping a loved one end his or her life. What do you think? 
Pepsi To Cease Advertising #~# PURCHASE, NY—PepsiCo sent shockwaves through the carbonated beverage industry Monday when the multibillion dollar corporation announced that it would cease all advertising of its popular soda product, effective immediately.
'Billy Beane Of Office Softball' Profiled In Book 'MoneySoftball' #~# OAKLAND, CA—The life and unorthodox softball philosophy of Alameda County Real Estate team manager and employee advocate Brian Kocher is extensively explored in the book MoneySoftball: The Art Of Winning A Meaningless Game, which will be officially released next week. "Kocher was the first to suggest that office softball teams overvalue players simply because they are big and fat, or because they played a little baseball in high school," author Michael Lewis said during a book signing Tuesday. "Kocher ruffled a lot of slow-pitch softball purists' feathers, but he saw early on the advantage of drafting female coworkers from HR—their miniscule strike zones led to higher on-base percentages, and opposing teams were seven times more likely to be lax on the foul-out rule during their at bats. The man broke every paradigm in the book." Lewis spent the rest of the event answering questions about Kocher's intensity, particularly the time he threw a folding chair at the keg of beer standing at third base.
Confused NASCAR Driver Runs Over 30 Golfers During Attempt To Win FedEx Cup #~# ATLANTA—Hoping to win the PGA tour's FedEx Cup, bewildered NASCAR driver Denny Hamlin critically injured 23 golfers and killed seven others while speeding across the East Lake golf course Thursday. "What—wait, hold on, which cup is this?" asked a visibly confused Hamlin, who after Thursday's tragedy remains 35 points behind first-place Sprint Cup driver Mark Martin. "Looking back, it was a little weird that I was driving on grass, striking people at high speeds, and not racing any other cars. But I'm a competitor, and if there's a cup, I'm going to try to win it." PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem later awarded Hamlin 150 FedEx Cup points for his effort. 
Cat Congress Mired In Sunbeam #~# WASHINGTON—The current session of the 111th Cat Congress was once again suspended Tuesday following the sudden introduction of a sunbeam onto the Senate floor, a development that has left a majority of transfixed lawmakers unable to move forward. 
So You Think You Can Consistently Attract The 18-To-34 Demographic #~# FOX
John Maine Takes Pitch Requests At Poorly Attended Mets-Nationals Game #~# NEW YORK—With Citi Field attendance during Sunday's matchup barely reaching 70 percent, Mets pitcher John Maine let fans who actually came to see the bottom two NL East teams play shout out pitch requests during Nationals at bats. "What's that? A slider? I haven't thrown that old classic in a while, but I'll give it a go," Maine said during the fourth inning. "All right, submarine pitch, then a palm ball. That's a weird one, but if you want to see me throw one of those, let's hear you scream!" Requests were no longer accepted after a teenage boy asked Maine to "throw something faster than 91 miles per hour," to which Maine responded, "Shut the hell up."
Obama Trying Out Social Policies In 'Second Life' #~# WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, an increasingly cautious President Obama has begun testing out parts of his executive agenda on the 15 million citizens of the online world known as Second Life. The commander in chief's avatar—an attractive African-American man with two more years of senatorial experience than the president—has already dedicated 3.5 billion Linden dollars to developing sustainable green energy in the virtual community. "After what happened when he expanded the Peace Corps, we're anticipating a large portion of the program will be cut," one unnamed administration official said. "I saw the screencaps myself. There were thousands of arrogant, college-age avatars just camping out, being of no help to anyone. It was awful." After moderators confirmed Monday that the virtual world is in no danger of terrorist attack because there is no death in Second Life, former vice president Dick Cheney reportedly canceled his recently opened account.
Mackenzie Phillips Had Sex With Father #~# Actress Mackenzie Phillips, star of One Day At A Time, writes in her new memoir that she had a consensual sexual relationship with her father, John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas. What do you think?
Sexy Career Woman To Take Hot Bath After Stressful Day #~# NEW YORK—Following a particularly stressful day at her high-powered job, sultry career woman Jessica Barrett, 34, announced Tuesday she would take a hot, steamy bath upon returning to her spacious Manhattan penthouse.
Andy Reid Carted Onto Field To Shake Hands With Sean Payton #~# PHILADELPHIA—Unable to walk off the sideline under his own power, Eagles coach Andy Reid was loaded onto a medical cart and driven to the 50-yard line to shake hands with Saints coach Sean Payton after their game Sunday. According to those in attendance, a hush fell over the crowd during the 11 minutes the team's medical staff huddled around Reid, attempting to safely hoist the coach onto the cart with a crew of six grown men. "Coach Reid was conscious, but his breathing was labored and he complained of intense pain all over his body," team physician Dr. Peter DeLuca told reporters. "Once we got him onto the cart we had to stabilize his neck out of fear that it couldn't support his head. The good news is, we only had to use the defibrillator twice." After completing the handshake, Reid gave a thumbs-up to indicate that he wanted the straw in his milkshake to be raised up to his mouth.
My Living Nightmare Of Encouraging Kids To Read Is Over #~# Thank god.
Couple Sneaks Away From Party For A Little Arguing #~# PHILADELPHIA—After consuming numerous alcoholic beverages and repeatedly locking eyes throughout the night, area couple Tracy Williams and Steve Stills were reportedly so overcome with passion Saturday that they slipped out of Dana Leink's 26th birthday party for a quick 20 minutes of raucous fighting. "There was definitely some electricity between the two of them," said Kelly Brandt, adding that nothing could have stopped the couple from "going at it" for a while. "Tracy and Steve are so intense—I'm not surprised they couldn't keep their hands off each other." According to those in attendance, everyone inside the party could hear the fiery couple's moans as their bodies repeatedly slammed against the wall. 
Flavored Cigarettes Banned #~# The FDA ban on cigarettes flavored with cloves or fruit—but not menthol—took effect this week. What do you think?
Features Of The Dallas Cowboys' New Stadium #~# A record-setting crowd attended the inaugural home opener of the $1.2 billion Cowboys Stadium Sunday night. Onion Sports examines some of the sports arena's features.
Dallas Cowboys Release Jerry Jones #~# IRVING, TEXAS—In an attempt to cut the franchise's losses and "move forward in a positive direction," the Dallas Cowboys severed ties with controversial owner Jerry Jones Monday, ending their tumultuous 20-year relationship with the divisive figure.
Unremarkable Planet #~# DISC
Tuition In Tough Times #~# With the economic downturn hitting scholarship funds, how are students paying for college?
Shrewd Umpire Not About To Be Fooled By Catcher Moving Glove Into Strike Zone #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In a statement issued after Wednesday night's Rockies-Giants contest, home plate umpire Laz Diaz warned all catchers around the league that he is "onto their little game," and is easily able to tell when they slyly move their glove into the strike zone after catching a pitch off the plate. "You catchers seem to think that I was born yesterday," the statement, which called the catchers' tactics "dishonest, immature, and tantamount to cheating," read in part. "Some of you even believe you can fool me by holding your glove there for an extra long time, as if to say, 'See, I'm holding it here like this because it was a strike.' Well, this umpire is not falling for that. Not today, not ever." Diaz further stated that a batter who removes his elbow protector, drops his bat, and begins heading to first base will never coax him into calling ball four.
Kid With Cancer Hopes To Realize Dream Of Meeting Competent Oncologist #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Despite visits from Olympic snowboarder Shaun White and film actor Ryan Reynolds, 13-year-old Corey Duthers announced Tuesday that before he dies he wants more than anything to meet a world- renowned pediatric oncologist. "I've looked it up on the iPhone those nice Make-A-Wish people gave me, and this form of cancer is definitely treatable," said Duthers, who claimed that his dream is to someday receive the best possible treatment for his illness. "Don't get me wrong, it was definitely cool when [WWE wrestler] John Cena dropped by, but when I asked him about getting a partial hepatectomy, he just smiled and put me in a kind of fake headlock for a while." While the quality of his medical care had not improved, Duthers said that he remained optimistic about exploring new medical options during his consultation with Atlanta rapper Souljah Boy next week.
Edwards Alleged To Have Love Child #~# According to an ex-aide, former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards may have fathered a child with a videographer on his campaign staff. What do you think? 
Nadir Of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday At 3:32 P.M. #~# WASHINGTON—An international panel of leading anthropologists, cultural critics, biologists, and social theorists announced this week that Western civilization will reach its lowest conceivable point at 3:32 p.m. Friday.
P.S. I Love You #~# So where were you on the night of Sept. 14, when you first heard the news? Were you, like me, sitting at the kitchen table watching E! and building a church out of foam board for your pig bride-and-groom salt-and-pepper shakers? And when the news broke, did it also feel like the drywall had collapsed all around you? 
Troy Polamalu All Over Orthopedic Clinic #~# PITTSBURGH—Steelers safety Troy Polamalu reportedly wreaked havoc on the Tri-State Orthopedics Clinic Monday, flailing around wildly on his crutches and violently knocking over unsuspecting physical therapy patients while rehabilitating the sprained medial collateral ligament in his left knee. "The guy is nuts," physical therapist Josh Buckner said. "Troy goes at top speed on those crutches at all times and just throws his entire body into people. I've never seen someone try to recover from an injury with such reckless abandon." Although several staff members attempted to recommend resting, icing, and elevating the knee, Polamalu reportedly hopped away on one foot so he could disrupt a group of elderly patients working on flexibility exercises.
Spatial Skills Abandon Area Man During Search For Correct Tupperware Lid #~# WATERVILLE, ME—The ability to judge different sizes and shapes was inexplicably lost on Waterville resident John Wyatt on Tuesday as he struggled to find the correct lid for a plastic container of chicken salad. According to witnesses, the seemingly rational man cycled through 17 separate lids in his desperate search to find a corresponding match, rotating each incorrect cover multiple times in hopes that it would somehow fit. "Why won't this work?" asked Wyatt, who is reportedly an intelligent and astute individual most of the time. "Just close already, goddammit." At press time, Wyatt was attempting to secure a square lid onto a round container with several sheets of plastic wrap.
Nigerian Officials Try To Block 'District 9' #~# Nigerian information minister Dora Akunyili has asked movie houses to stop screening the science fiction film District 9 because of its unflattering portrayal of Nigerians. What do you think?
Bad Habits Of People You Are Better Than #~# A&E;
Man Not Belonging To Movie's Target Demographic Escorted From Theater By Hollywood Officials #~# ST. LOUIS—Hollywood officials removed David Sinclair, 24, from the AMC Esquire 7's 9 p.m. showing of The Time Traveler's Wife Monday for failing to meet the minimum gender, age, and socioeconomic status requirements set forth in new guidelines to ensure marketing is reflected in movie audiences. "Looks like this punk is a little too young and a little too male to be here," said Toby Emmerich, president of New Line Cinema, who spotted Sinclair trying to discretely watch the film from the back of the theater. "Didn't your mother ever teach you that a romantic thriller starring Rachel McAdams and Eric Bana is for professional women aged 26 to 40 who make between $45,000 and $60,000 a year?" Despite Sinclair's promises that he would buy a Coke and popcorn, officials escorted the single, college-educated city-dweller out of the theater complex and issued him a $1,500 fine.
‘Athletes Can Play Through Those Injuries,’ Says Man Who Gets Sore From Sitting Too Long #~# NEW YORK—Despite his incessant complaints that resting his buttocks on a chair for prolonged periods of time causes him discomfort and pain, a man paid to provide sports analysis insisted Sunday that athletes should be able to play regardless of injuries attained through physical action. “The second they get nicked up they want to spend the game sitting on the bench drinking Gatorade,” said the man, who “tweaked” his knee last week when he stood up for a moment during a commercial break. “It’s pathetic how pampered and soft these athletes today are. Hold on, just adjusting my cushion here for a second.” The man, who said during the broadcast that playing through pain is what separates the men from the boys, reportedly had a terrible night’s sleep in his hotel suite because the silk pillowcase felt too smooth on his face.
Pregnant And Infirm Given First H1N1 Vaccine #~# The Centers for Disease Control announced that vaccinations for the H1N1 virus would be given first to pregnant women and adults with compromised immune systems. What do you think? 
George W. Bush Chuckles To Self Upon Thinking About How He Was President Of The United States For Almost A Decade #~# DALLAS—While sitting alone on the porch of his home late Monday afternoon, George W. Bush, 63, chuckled upon suddenly remembering that he was once the president of the United States of America for nearly a decade.
TMZ #~# FOX
Job Became Completely Humiliating So Gradually Area Man Barely Noticed #~# CHICAGO—Local resident Stephen Durkee's job at D&L; Media Solutions has become utterly dehumanizing in such small increments that he almost didn't even notice, the 32-year-old office manager told reporters Monday.
The NFL On Fox Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre-Pregame Show #~# FOX
John Stockton Assists Hall Of Fame Officials In Setting Up Induction Ceremony #~# SPRINGFIELD, MA—Saying he just wanted to do whatever he could to make it a great event, all-time NBA assists leader John Stockton arrived several hours early to the NBA Hall of Fame induction ceremony Friday in order to help set up the PA system, construct the stage, and hang banners and posters throughout the room. "Just have to finish filling out all these name cards, and then I can get back behind the lighting booth," said Stockton, who folded a record 62 table linens Friday night and accrued 3,265 career steals. "Boy, this mic sounds a little hot. We should talk to Jerry about switching it out. Coffee's ready!" According to sources, Stockton, who wore a full tuxedo throughout the ceremony, left immediately afterward to "pitch in" at a fundraising event at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston. 
Michael J. Fox Reluctantly Fields Hoverboard Question During Parkinson's Research Benefit #~# NEW YORK—Despite being on a panel to discuss his foundation's contributions to Parkinson's research, actor Michael J. Fox reluctantly fielded a question Sunday about how the hoverboard sequence in the film Back To The Future Part II was filmed. "Um, well, we mostly used a system of pulleys to move us forward and back," said Fox, who since being diagnosed with Parkinson's has worked tirelessly to find a cure for the degenerative disease. "Anyway, much like the hoverboard got me where I wanted to go in Back To The Future, let's get back to what I was saying about translational research, which will get all of us where we want to go to in order to beat Parkinson's." Fox was later asked if his new book Always Looking Up: The Adventures Of An Incurable Optimist had any further information about Griff's jet-propelled 'Pit Bull' hoverboard. 
Color Blindness Cured in Monkeys #~# An experimental treatment in which a human virus carrying color-sensing genes was injected into monkeys' eyes resulted in a drastic reduction in red-green color blindness. What do you think? 
Melting Ice Caps Expose Hundreds Of Secret Arctic Lairs #~# ZACKENBERG RESEARCH STATION, GREENLAND—Claiming it to be one of the most dramatic and visible signs of climate change to date, researchers said Monday that receding polar ice caps have revealed nearly 200 clandestine lairs once buried deep beneath hundreds of feet of Arctic ice.
I Was Dying Way Before Every Other Celebrity Started Doing It #~# Look, I don’t want to be one of those whiny famous dudes who spends his days ragging on other famous dudes in the press. That’s not what I’m about. But this whole thing with celebrities dying has just become such a crock of shit, man. Such a crock of shit. I’m telling you, dying when you’re incredibly famous has been done. By me. I was doing that shit 15 years ago, and now people are acting like it’s some new trendy thing.
DHS Sets Security Alert Level To Green For 8 Seconds #~# WASHINGTON—For a brief eight-second period Tuesday, Homeland Security officials lowered the national terror alert system to green, indicating the first occasion since September 11, 2001, that the United States of America was at absolutely no risk of a terrorist attack. "During this time there was no anti-U.S. chatter on the Internet, no al-Qaeda operatives planning to behead an American soldier or journalist, and no suspicious individuals boarding any foreign or domestic flights," Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano said during a White House press briefing. "It was a pretty wonderful eight seconds." The terror alert level was then immediately raised to red after terrorists drove a truckful of explosives into the Seattle Space Needle.
Would-Be Burglar Killed With Sword #~# A Johns Hopkins University student used a samurai sword to kill a man who had broken into his home. What do you think? 
Derek Jeter Honored For Having Fewer Hits Than Harold Baines #~# NEW YORK—Following Derek Jeter's 2,722nd career hit Friday, Yankee fans and teammates took a moment to honor the all-star shortstop for having 144 fewer hits than former journeyman designated hitter Harold Baines.
Week 1 Of NFL Season Proves Tackling Still Preferred Method Of Bringing Down Ball Carrier #~# NEW YORK—An analysis of 16 professional football games conducted during the first week of the NFL season found that tackling, the act of forcing an opponent to the ground, remains the preferred method of stopping the forward movement of a ball carrier. "In the preseason, we tried a few new techniques like bargaining and hypnotism to take down the guy with the ball," said Baltimore Ravens defensive coordinator Greg Mattison, who added that he encourages players to use all forms of tackling, from diving into an opponent's legs to touching an opponent after he has already fallen to the ground. "But ultimately, tackling works the best." The Detroit Lions remain the only NFL team that opts not to use tackling, which experts agree probably has a negative effect on the team's standings.
Law & Order: SVU #~# NBC
Ex-Football Star Running For Congress #~# Retired NFL player Jay Riemersma announced Monday that in 2010 he will run as a Republican for one of Michigan's seats in the U.S. House of Representatives. What do you think? 
The Troubled Future Of Reality Shows #~# The recent death of DJ AM has jeopardized Gone Too Far, a yet-to-air MTV program in which he helps people battle their addictions. Likewise, the suicide of a Megan Wants A Millionaire contestant accused of murdering his ex-wife has put an end to that show. What other scandals have disrupted reality series?
Death Of 12 Schoolchildren Makes Perfect Sense #~# MYRTLE BEACH, SC—In a tragedy none have struggled to comprehend, a group of 12 schoolchildren on a whale-watching trip died in a perfectly logical manner Tuesday when their boat capsized one hour into its voyage. "How something like this could have happened—it's completely imaginable," said Coast Guard captain Don Broyard, addressing a group of reporters who were immediately able to make sense of the terrible disaster. "The way the unstable boat overturned, the powerlessness of the small children to fight against the current, the quick flooding of water into their lungs—the whole thing is so well within reason." Capt. Broyard added that the state coroner would be more than happy to give parents still uncertain of how the tragedy happened a detailed, step-by-step explanation of every fatal injury.
U.S. Government Finds $20 Trillion Buried By Absentminded Reagan In 1987 #~# WASHINGTON—In what government officials are calling a stirring testament to the leadership and foresight of late U.S. president Ronald Reagan, nearly $20 trillion in low denomination bills were discovered this week buried in the White House Rose Garden.
Come Now, Let Us Take Refuge Inside This Waffle House #~# My love, you are shivering! And so pale. Here, wear my cloak over your own. We have walked for many miles, and I had hoped the skies would have grown merciful by now. But we must persevere. Remember, even in the darkest night there is always a light somewhere ahead, and—but what's this? Do you see it? That yellow glow. Has the sun itself plumbed the darkest clouds and settled upon the earth next to that gas station over there? 
Superstitious John Lackey Has To Build, Destroy A Luxury Hotel Before Every Start #~# ANAHEIM, CA—Following John Lackey's most recent win, teammates on the Angels revealed that one of the superstitious starting pitcher's most prominent pre-game rituals is to design, construct, and demolish a luxury hotel before he takes the mound. "I can't even talk to him before a game because he's just so focused on installing the hotel's final brick, attending its ribbon-cutting ceremony, and then scanning its structural integrity for implosion points," said teammate Chone Figgins, who occasionally helps out by placing a call to his builder cousin for a good rate on poured concrete. "You can always tell [Lackey]'s going to have a bad start if he doesn't get the hotel up to code in time, or can't set off all the detonator charges in the right order before the game starts." When asked for an assessment of the hotels, Figgins said they were "pretty tacky."
Amish Woman Knew She Had Quilt Sale The Moment She Laid Eyes On Chicago Couple #~# LANCASTER, PA—Repeatedly referring to them as "easy money," Amish quilt shop proprietor Mary Stolzfus, 43, said Monday that as soon as she noticed Tom and Helen Foreman's matching Chicago Cubs baseball hats, she knew she'd be able to move three, possibly four quilts. "One look and it was 'Choo choo! Here comes the money train, right on schedule,'" said Stolzfus, adding that she ordered her daughters to "put on a little dog and pony show" for the easy marks by having them sing the traditional Amish song "In Der Stillen Einsamkeit." "These rubes are all the same: give 'em a little 'no electricity' this, and some 'butter churn' that, and cha-ching, you've got enough barn-raising money to last you a month." 
Music Companies Suing 'Ellen' #~# The Ellen DeGeneres Show is being sued by a number of record labels, including Sony, Warner Bros., and Motown, for unauthorized use of music in a segment on the program in which the host dances to her desk. What do you think? 
The Real Squirrels Of Orange County #~# NBC
Dogs As Smart As 2-Year-Olds #~# Researchers have found that dogs are capable of comprehending up to 250 words, can count to five, and are capable of deception, putting them on par with 2-year-old children. What do you think? 
Web Gem Disappointing #~# URBANA, IL—The No. 3 Web Gem of the Day, Blue Jays third baseman Jose Bautista's backhand pickup of an Evan Longoria grounder, was a "great disappointment" to avid baseball fan Andrew Missel, who questioned whether the play deserved any honor at all. "So, what—he just short-hopped the ball?" asked Missel, who has often expressed deep dissatisfaction with the rankings and nominations of the Baseball Tonight segment. "It's an okay play, I guess, but Web Gem material? Christ, the No. 5 Web Gem was better than that, and it wasn't even that amazing either. At least [Brewers outfielder Mike] Cameron had to run for the ball. This is a travesty." Missel went on to critique the pitch selection in the program's "That's Nasty!" segment, announcing to an empty living room that Roy Oswalt's pitch was nothing more than a hanging slider.
None Of Area Man's Friends Have Ever Seen Him With Shirt On #~# WHEELING, WV—Saying they don't know why it never occurred to them before, friends of local man Paul Helton told reporters Sunday that they have never once seen Helton with a shirt on. "I've seen him with a shirt thrown over his shoulder, and I've seen him with a shirt tied around his waist, but no, I guess I've never actually seen a shirt physically covering his torso," said Jeff Callahan, 36, adding that Helton probably wears a shirt to his job at the bank, though he admitted he's never actually seen Helton at work. "Wait, he must've worn a—nope. He didn't have a shirt on for that entire WVU football game last January, either." According to friends, Helton is also shirtless in all of his baby pictures.
Outrageous Pictionary Drawing To Go Down In Area Family Lore #~# IONIA, MI—A heated game night Pictionary match at the Anderson household ended memorably this past Friday, just moments after Aunt Denise somehow managed to guess Uncle Don's clumsily drawn sketch of a carburetor, in what family sources are calling "one for the record books." 
East Carolina Grad Thinks East Carolina A State #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—At a press conference Monday, Jaguars quarterback and East Carolina University alum David Garrard indicated through certain statements to reporters that "East Carolina" is one of the 50 United States. "I can say without hesitation that it is definitely my favorite of all the Carolinas," said the former ECU Pirate, who, when pressed, identified the imaginary commonwealth's capital as Greenville and its state bird as the red-necked grebe. "There's just this enormous sense of state pride over there that I felt as soon as came across the North Carolina border. And it's a progressive state, too: Did you know Obama carried East Carolina?" Garrard later told reporters that if he had to choose one state to live in, it would be between Western Kentucky and Ball State.
Area Man Unsustainable, Experts Warn #~# WASHINGTON—Unless immediate measures are taken, the delicate balance of local claims adjuster Doug Mahoney, 39, could soon collapse, an international panel of leading conservationists warned Monday.
Friends #~# TBS
Eight Sailors Suspended In Boat-Clearing Brawl #~# RAS AL-KHAIMAH, UAE—Famed yacht club the Société Nautique de Genève suspended eight sailors from the Alinghi of Switzerland and BMW Oracle Racing teams Friday for their part in an ugly boat-clearing brawl during the 33rd America's Cup. Alinghi skipper Brad Butterworth reportedly triggered the melee when he charged the foredeck after BMW's afterguard Larry Ellison slab-reefed while their boat was on port tack. "These two teams have a history," said Alinghi midbowman Curtis Blewett referring to last year's race when an overly aggressive jibe caused both catamarans to clear. "It was pretty inevitable something was going to happen this time. You could tell they were out for blood." On-the-water umpires immediately ejected Butterworth, who was then forced to swim 17 miles to shore.
University Of Illinois Researchers Find Link Between Attending University Of Illinois, Receiving Solid Education At Great Price #~# URBANA, IL—According to a new study conducted by researchers at the University of Illinois, there is a strong correlation between enrolling at the local four-year college and receiving a well-rounded, but moderately priced education. "Our research indicates that the likelihood of getting a solid bang for your academic buck increases dramatically when attending the U of I, located in Urbana-Champaign, just minutes away from beautiful downtown," said chief author Dr. Joseph Mahler, who works extensively in his field and brings years of experience to the classroom. "In all cases, test subjects reported that the price of matriculating at the University of Illinois was nearly as unbeatable as the vaunted Fighting Illini Men's Basketball Squad. Go Illini!" Researchers are currently conducting a new study linking the contribution of alumni funds to the university with a sense of general happiness and well-being.
Die Young, Live Fast #~# A recent survey suggests teens who believe they'll die at a young age are more likely to engage in risky behavior. What do you think?
Liechtenstein, Andorra Forced To Fight By Larger Countries #~# HELSINKI—Members of the Group of Eight, the forum for the world's most powerful industrialized nations, held a special session Tuesday to discuss how best to prod the European microstates of Lichtenstein and Andorra into fighting. 
A Smoove Evening #~# Damn.
Latest Department Of Interior River Count Comes Up One Short #~# WASHINGTON—Officials at the Department of the Interior scrambled this week when their annual tally of the nation's rivers repeatedly came up one short. "Okay, let's start again—we have the Ohio, and then there's the Mississippi, the Missouri…" said frantic Deputy Secretary David J. Hayes shuffling through a clutter of maps on his desk. "Wait, a river's the one that flows toward the ocean, right? Or is that a tributary? Jesus, are rivers and tributaries the same thing?" Until the missing river turns up, DOI officials are advising all citizens to remain vigilant and immediately phone the department's National River Hotline should they encounter any unusual bodies of water.
Greenlit Sports Movies Of 2009 #~# With the recent success of a number of sports movies, Hollywood is once again prepared to cash in at the box office. Here are the latest projects to begin production:
Wikipedia Contributors Mostly Male #~# A new study of Wikipedia showed that 87 percent of the site's editors were male. What do you think? 
Team Jacket-Wearing, Transistor Radio-Listening Fan Sitting By Himself #~# CHICAGO–For the 213th game in a row, witnesses in Wrigley Field’s upper deck section 433 reported seeing the same unidentified fan wearing a Cubs team jacket and listening to the game on a transistor radio Tuesday.
Chase Utley Takes Seventh-Inning Stretch Too Seriously, Report Teammates #~# PHILADELPHIA—After Monday night's game against the Florida Marlins, several of Chase Utley's Phillies teammates told reporters that the All-Star second baseman might be growing "obsessed" with stretching properly and singing in key during the seventh-inning stretch. "He insists that if you don't stretch every major muscle group at that exact moment in time, you risk pulling something," said shortstop Jimmy Rollins, who claimed Utley often forces the entire team to re-sing "Take Me Out to The Ballgame" if they don't perform the song in correct four-part harmony the first time. "Give me a break, man. I don't always feel like eating Cracker Jacks in the middle of a game." Rollins added that he was looking forward to Thursday's game, when he plans to finally inform Utley that the "noise meter" on the Citizens Bank Park JumboTron is not real.
Cable News Tutorial #~# CNN
Man Abuses Child Quietly Out Of Respect For Other Diners #~# FORT SMITH, AR—Hoping to avoid rudely interrupting the meals of nearly two dozen other patrons, James Larson lowered his voice while quietly scarring his 7-year-old son emotionally, sources at the Dodson Diner reported Thursday. "You shut your damn mouth," hissed Larson in the small boy's ear, while being careful not to upset those in the restaurant's dining area. "Just wait till we get you home. I swear I'll slap that stupid smirk right off your face." Worried that he may have overstepped his bounds, Larson then repeatedly apologized to his waitress and politely excused himself and his whimpering son so that he could administer a proper chastising.
Teens Don't Tweet #~# A survey by Nielsen found that only 16 percent of Twitter users were under 25. What do you think?
Thousands Of Abandoned, Foreclosed Homes Threatened By Florida Hurricane #~# FORT MYERS, FL—In what forecasters are predicting will be the largest, most devastating disaster to hit Florida since the national economy collapsed, a Category 5 hurricane neared the Gulf coast this week, threatening thousands of repossessed and long deserted homes.
I Don't Need Drugs To Have A Good Time And Jump Through A Plate-Glass Window Into A Pool 15 Stories Below #~# You know, some people just don't get it. They think they need to smoke a little grass, maybe do a little blow, or ingest several grams of angel dust to lose their inhibitions. They think they can't cut loose without alcohol or ecstasy. But I'm here to tell you, you don't need drugs to get crazy and let it all hang out. I've been clean and sober my whole life, but I can still enjoy smashing through a plate-glass window and plummeting 15 stories into the pool of a luxury Vegas hotel as much as the next guy. And I do it without drugs.
Teacher Wishes She Could Inspire One Of The More Popular Students #~# GRESHAM, OR—After spending half an hour Monday instilling much-needed confidence in one of her most timid freshmen, Sam Barlow High School English teacher Karen Norgren, 48, expressed her desire to one day inspire one of the school's more popular students. "It would be nice, just once, to make a real, lasting impression on a confident, athletic student with tons of friends," said Norgren, who has reportedly grown tired of encouraging "dowdy old Phil Van" every day after fourth period. "Someone like Jason Feightner, for instance. He's got that cool, devil-may-care attitude. Guys want to be him, and girls want to be with him. Why can't I push him to reach his full potential?" Norgren then reportedly waited around in the senior parking lot in case Whitney Olsen or some of her friends wanted to chat about Things Fall Apart.
Xbox 360 Least Reliable #~# A study of repair records showed that the Xbox 360 was substantially less reliable than its competitors. What do you think? 
American Experience #~# PBS
Area Man Has Heard Of Andre Ethier #~# BRECKSVILLE, OH—Local man and casual baseball fan Leon Markham confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he has definitely heard the name of baseball player Andre Ethier. "Andrew Ethier, yeah. Shortstop for the Phillies, right?" Markham said of the Dodgers outfielder. "He's good at hitting. Or maybe he's known for his defense? He's fast, I think. Sounds fast. You know, I might actually be thinking of Rafael Furcal." Markham then imitated a batting stance and asked reporters, "Which one is the guy that does this?"
White Sufficiency Movement Asserts Whites Right Up There With Other Races #~# EVANSVILLE, KY—Members of the Somewhat Aryan Nation, the country's most outspoken white sufficiency group, held a rally Tuesday night to once again declare that the white race was at least as good as, if not equal to, "a bunch of other pretty decent" races. "We call upon all our white brethren to rise up and show the world that the white race is adequate!" cried Bill Pitzen, the group's vocal leader, before a raucous crowd of 300 supporters. "Blacks, Jews, Latinos, homosexuals—I don't need to tell you that our modest race can hang with even the best of them in a number of diverse areas. Evenly distributed white power!" According to Kentucky residents, Tuesday's rally is the least offensive and controversial since last month's annual meeting of the North American Man/Woman Love Association.
Kevin Youkilis Keeps Everyone On Bus Awake With Another One Of His Nasty Sex Stories #~# TAMPA, FL—Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis reportedly prevented everyone on the team bus from sleeping Monday when he loudly described in disgusting detail the elasticity and mucus secretions of his girlfriend's vagina. "Man, she was pretty hot and bothered, because I'd been stirring up her soup for a while," said Youkilis, adding that her neatly trimmed pubic hair and thighs, as well as their sheets, were all soaked in "pussy juice." "She's a squirter, so her vag was pretty much a fountain by the time I started fisting. She was so slick, I had to put on a batting glove to get some traction." Pitcher Clay Buchholz said he has not slept since last Wednesday, when Youkilis went on about the "foul smell of dried semen that collects in your belly button."
Cartel Kills 18 In Rehab #~# A Mexican drug cartel is being blamed for the shooting deaths of 18 patients at a rehab clinic. What do you think? 
Next Tarantino Movie An Homage To Beloved Tarantino Movies Of Director's Youth #~# MADRID—While attending a European press junket Monday for his film Inglourious Basterds, director Quentin Tarantino announced that his next project, Jack Rabbit Slim, will go into production this fall, and will be an homage to his favorite director and screenwriter of all time: Quentin Tarantino.
Inexplicably Bad Movie Night #~# TBS
Pack Of Baseball Cards Comes With Doubles Of Jose Fucking Contreras #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In what was described as a "total fucking rip-off," collector Kirk Poole purchased a pack of Topps baseball cards containing not one, but two cards featuring former White Sox pitcher Jose Fucking Contreras. "Fucking Contreras again? You've got to be kidding me," a visibly frustrated and crestfallen Poole said. "I couldn't get one Tim Cocksucking Lincecum, or even a Motherfucking [Bengie] Molina? Oh, I know, I'll just sell the extra one on eBay for $10,000. Yeah, that or Topps can suck my fucking dick." Poole later admitted that it was pretty cool to get Ken Griffey, Jr. in a Mariners uniform again.
Haiti Makes Bid For 2216 Olympics #~# PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Emphasizing the country's warm tropical climate, vibrant culture, and long-term plans to cultivate farmland capable of sustaining actual crops, the Haitian Olympic Committee formally announced its bid Monday to host the 2216 Summer Games.
Yamaha CEO Pleased With Current Production Of Jet Skis, Alto Saxophones, Snowmobiles, Power Generators, Scooters, Golf Carts #~# HAMAMATSU, JAPAN—Despite concerns over the recent global recession, Yamaha Corporation president Mitsuru Umemura announced last week that he was content with the current level of production of Jet Skis, alto saxophones, snowmobiles, power generators, scooters, and golf carts. "Initially we thought that the declining global market would result in overproduction of synthesizers, PA systems, DVD players, tone generators, and motocross bikes, but in fact our production quotas were almost perfectly attuned to the market in power amplifiers, heart-rate monitors, signal processors, analog mixers, engine oil, microphones, HiFi systems, and grand pianos," said Umemura, who stressed that his company prides itself on attention to detail. "At the Yamaha Corporation we're focused on one thing and one thing alone—quality sound chips, ceiling brackets, editing software, race-kart engines, sport boats, flugelhorns, ATVs, sequencers, outboard motors, conference systems, golf clubs, projectors, MIDI controllers, lamp cartridges, portable recorders, subwoofers, component systems, and motorcycles." The Yamaha Corporation is based in Hamamatsu, Japan.
Arizona Wildcats Freshman Point Guard Already Calling School 'Zona' #~# TUCSON, AZ—In an effort to impress his new University of Arizona teammates, Wildcats freshman point guard Lamont Jones was already referring to the school as "Zona" after his very first practice, sources reported Tuesday. "I waited until I was halfway through junior year to start calling the school Zona," senior guard Nic Wise told reporters. "For Lamont to come in here and start saying 'Zona this' and 'Zona that' like it's no big deal—that's just spitting in the face of everyone who came before him. Zona is a privilege, not a right." Wildcats sources later confirmed that, while dining in the student union, Jones twice referred to the team as the "Sun Devils."
Gmail Suffers Major Outage #~# An overloaded Google router caused a shutdown of Gmail on Tuesday, affecting 150 million users for nearly two hours. What do you think? 
Loser Senior Takes Loser Freshman Under His Wing #~# MARGATE, FL—In a rare act of upperclassman generosity, Mangrove High School loser senior Chris Payack announced Monday that he is tending to the well-being of loser freshman Anthony Martelli.
How Will Michigan Rebound In 2009? #~# Following a terrible 3-9 outing in 2008, Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez desperately needs the football team to win in 2009. What are the Wolverines doing to improve? 
Mad Men #~# AMC
You Follow One Kid Home, Rip Out His Eyes And All The Sudden You're A 'Killer' Squirrel #~# I'm a happy-go-lucky squirrel who loves living the good life of climbing trees and eating nuts. Mostly eating nuts. Man! I can't get enough of them. So tasty. But let's make one thing clear, right here and now: I have never killed anyone.
Walletless Biden Found Handcuffed To Bedpost #~# WASHINGTON—According to an incident report filed by the Secret Service, special agents responded early Wednesday morning to a distress call from Number One Observatory Circle and arrived to discover Vice President Joe Biden chained to a bed, spread-eagle, with a pair of cutoff denim shorts around his ankles. Though White House officials have refused to comment, the report indicates that Biden told agents his wallet was missing and detailed its contents as a lucky two-dollar bill, a Sizzler gift card, and a Federal Bikini Inspector badge. After further questioning of the vice president, the Secret Service advised local law enforcement to be on the lookout for a stolen white 1981 Trans Am driven by "this real feisty little firecracker."
Bill Belichick's Tears Eat Through Podium #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a rare show of emotion, Patriots coach Bill Belichick began to cry during linebacker Tedy Bruschi's farewell press conference Monday, shedding a noxious black discharge that burned through the podium and a solid concrete floor before eventually coming to rest deep inside the mantle of the earth below. "He's helped create a tradition here that we're all proud of," Belichick said as the tears melted ribbons of flesh from his cheek, exposing his skull. Reporters fled the scene when superheated chemical fumes emanating from the toxic liquid formed a cloud of poisonous gas, prompting Bruschi to vomit blood just moments after Belichick had called the two-time Pro Bowler a "perfect player." As Belichick sloughed grotesquely into a liquid heap, he was reportedly heard to ask if this is what love is.
Mother Of 18 Pregnant #~# Forty-two-year-old Michelle Duggar of the TLC show 18 Kids And Counting is expecting a 19th child in March. What do you think?
Small, Unathletic Walk-On Injures 9 Starters In Notre Dame Football Practice #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—During Wednesday's afternoon practice, 17-year-old Brian Novak, a 145-pound walk-on for the struggling Notre Dame football team, injured nine starters, including third-year quarterback Jimmy Clausen, junior wide receiver Golden Tate, and 295-pound defensive lineman Ian Williams.
2009's Most Popular Classes #~# As the academic year begins, here is a survey of the most popular classes at colleges around the country:
Bernanke Had ID Stolen #~# Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke was one of the victims of a nationwide identity-fraud ring that stole $2.1 million from consumers and businesses. What do you think? 
Pack Of Harpies Ordered Their Crostini Literally 20 Minutes Ago #~# WILMINGTON, DE—According to sources at local restaurant Deep Blue, a table of four harpies perched near the window emitted shrill, ungodly shrieks Thursday when their demand for crostini remained unfulfilled after nearly half an hour. Having already ravenously devoured a spring salad with raspberry vinaigrette, the foul half-bird, half-human female creatures reportedly clawed at a hapless waiter who passed by. "Crostini should take, like, five minutes, tops," cried one harpy, the fetid breath from her malformed beak heavy with white wine spritzer. "We're starving to death. And why doesn't anyone refill our water? Do I need to talk to a manager?" Mercifully, most of the harpies' hideous wailing was drowned out by a nearby eight-top, where a warriors' bacchanalia was being held to celebrate the pending nuptials of the strongest.
Report: Some Kid's Head Cracked Open In Gym This Morning #~# NAPERVILLE, IL—-In an event that everyone at James Madison Junior High is calling really freaking gross, some kid's head got cracked open Wednesday during third-period gym class. 
Ask A College Professor Having Trouble With The Audiovisual Equipment #~# Dear College Professor Having Trouble With The Audiovisual Equipment,
Batting Doughnut Creator Still On Cutting Edge Of Making-Bats-Feel-Lighter-Than-They-Are-For-A-Few-Seconds Technology #~# ST. LOUIS—At a press conference Wednesday, James Santangeli, inventor of the 16-oz. batting doughnut, assured reporters, baseball players, and general weight enthusiasts that he and his team of engineers continued to lead the way in the field of using something heavy to make something else feel briefly lighter by comparison. "We've got some exciting new doughnuts coming out, including a blue one that that makes the bat feel 0.1-oz. lighter for about 0.3 seconds longer," said Santangeli, adding that a typical batting doughnut makes a bat feel lighter for 8.74 seconds. "We're also working on a green model, a yellow model, a striped model, and even a purple one for softball. When it comes to doughnut-shaped weights and their important role in the heaviness-displacement paradigm, none of our competitors even come close." Santangeli admitted that his firm has also experimented with a reverse weight that would make bats feel heavier, but it tested poorly with players.
New College Freshman Refers To Dorm By Actual Name #~# NEWARK, DE—University of Delaware freshman Jared Kramer was overheard referring to dormitory Wolfington-Packard Hall by its full name yesterday, causing confusion among friends and upperclassmen. "It took me about five minutes to realize he was talking about the Wolf Pack," said junior Tracy Lee, who was on her way to Mem Hall to meet up with friends. "I haven't heard it called that since I lived in the Pit." At press time, Kramer was seen clutching his orientation packet and trying to find his way to the Blender for his chemistry lecture.
RNC's Health Scare Tactics #~# A recent fundraising mailer for the Republican National Committee was accompanied by a questionnaire which intimated that any health care reform may include a provision to deny Republicans medical treatment. What do you think?
Bombastic Team Introduction Scares Timid Charlotte Bobcats Back Into Locker Room #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Frightened by the deafening music, the frenzied laser show, and the announcer's booming voice, panicked Charlotte Bobcats players fled the chaotic environment of the Time Warner Cable Arena during their pregame introduction Friday, hiding in their locker room until they were assured by officials that it was safe to come out. "I have no idea what was going on out there, because it just went totally dark, and then everybody started screaming and there were these sirens going off for some reason," said small forward Gerald Wallace, who admitted fearing for his life. "Then there was this growling, super-loud voice that seemed to come from all around us. And somehow it knew all our names—how? Anyway, that's when we all got the hell out of there as fast as we could."After Bobcats coach Larry Brown spent 20 minutes coaxing the players back onto the court for the opening tip-off, the team scattered in every direction when a referee blew his whistle.
House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents #~# HARTFORD, MI—On the outside it may look like any other home, but within the walls of 6535 Maple Ave. lies a terrifying secret: Every night, when the sun goes down and the moon comes out, this suburban bungalow is haunted by the restless, tormented souls of its current residents, the Davidson family. 
World News #~# BBC AMERICA
World Series Sub-Subplot Involves Yogi Berra Driving Through Philadelphia In 1953 #~# NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez's first World Series appearance and the Philadelphia Phillies' attempt to repeat as champions may have emerged as the dominant October subplots, but ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons said Tuesday that another fascinating angle of the 2009 Fall Classic is a sub-subplot involving Hall of Famer Yogi Berra's brief drive through Philadelphia during a trip to Washington, D.C. in 1953. "It just goes to show you how much history these teams have," Gammons said on Baseball Tonight following a seven-minute segment detailing a wrong turn off I-95 by the former Yankees catcher. "Imagine, 56 years and four months to the day before CC Sabathia starts Game 1 of the World Series, Yogi Berra was actually in Philadelphia and may have passed by the Liberty Bell. I'm not saying the Series will come down to this, but it's definitely something to keep in mind." Gammons added that a sub-sub-subplot for fans to watch involves former Yankee Scott Brosius, who attended high school with Meryl Fornadel, aunt of Helen Fornadel, who was the principal of Canyon View Elementary School, which is in the same San Diego school district as the elementary school Cole Hamels attended. 
Sasha Obama Orders Secret Service Agent To Stop Squirming During Makeover #~# WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, first daughter Sasha Obama, 8, issued a direct order to Special Agent James Warren of the Secret Service yesterday, instructing the officer to refrain from squirming while he underwent a full makeover. "Hey, stop moving, lady," Sasha yelled as she augmented the 36-year-old former Navy Seal's physical appearance with a series of exotic rouges, eye shadows, and sparkly lip balms. "Yay! Pretty!" Moments after the 8-year-old accessorized the twice-decorated Warren with a variety of charm bracelets, he was summoned from the White House to accompany a group of visiting Syrian dignitaries.
McDonald's Abandons Iceland #~# Iceland's three McDonald's locations are closing because of the collapse of the island nation's currency. What do you think?
Group Of Popular Girls Reduces Nation To Tears #~# NEW YORK—A group of popular teenage girls viciously insulted the United States Tuesday, causing the populace to break down and cry following assertions that its 300 million citizens are stupid and fat and that everybody hates them.
Even British Able To See Holes In Buccaneers' Defense #~# LONDON—Despite their lack of experience watching American football and their unfamiliarity with all but the most basic principles of the sport, the local crowd attending the NFL game at London's Wembley Stadium Sunday had little trouble identifying key weaknesses in the Buccaneer defense as the Patriots cruised to a 35-7 victory. "My word, that safety-man has lost contain yet again, and the Bucs are just getting—what's the word?—blocked right off their feet on nearly every play," attendee Martin Hollings said as Patriots running back Laurence Maroney broke free for a 14-yard run. "Oh, I say, poor show…. These chaps are in fact allowed to use their hands, are they not? Because you certainly could not tell by watching them." In a related incident, BBC commentators claimed they meant no offense and were attempting to compliment wide receiver Wes Welker by saying the Tampa Bay secondary "made [Welker] look like Pelé out there."
World-Weary Sigh Emanates From Next Bathroom Stall #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—A deep, drawn-out, world-weary sigh emanated from an occupied bathroom stall at a local office building Monday, witnesses reported. The sigh, described by those who heard it as "somber," "resigned," and "a sad reminder of the crushing pain, anguish, and, ultimately, meaninglessness of life," escaped from the core of the man's being at approximately 12:32 p.m. and echoed quietly off the stall's dividers. After 30 seconds of complete silence—a brief respite from the workday which the man seated on the toilet bowl likely used to contemplate his place in this world—he flushed the toilet, emerged from the stall, forced himself to smile, and returned to his job for yet another day of monotonous, unfulfilling work.
I Got Some Sweet New Digs #~# Hola, amigos. How's it going? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been cheek-deep in a ditch of shit. First of all, the Anchowermobile got clipped a couple weeks ago by some woman in a giant SUV. It was raining out, so it was hard to see, and I was trying to pull out of a parking lot between two huge trucks. She must not have noticed me, because the next thing you know, I hear this loud crunch. Fucked up my fender good, but it didn't even scratch the SUV. 
Latvian Meteor Strike A Hoax #~# A Latvian mobile phone company has admitted it staged a meteor strike outside the town of Mazsalaca as a publicity stunt. What do you think? 
Phillies Hope To End 364-Day World Series Drought #~# PHILADELPHIA—The last time the Philadelphia Phillies brought a World Series title back to the City of Brotherly Love, the nation's financial sector was in complete ruin, the cost of a gallon of milk was only $2.74, fans watched the Fall Classic while huddled around their slightly-less-streamlined high-definition television sets, and Philadelphia slugger Ryan Howard was just 28 years old.
Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the H1N1 virus a national emergency, Republican leaders announced Wednesday that they were officially endorsing the swine flu. "Thousands of Americans—hardworking ordinary Americans like you and me—already have H1N1," Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele said during a press conference. "Now Obama wants to take that away from us. Ask yourself: Do you want the federal government making these kinds of health care decisions for you and your family?" Other prominent Republicans opposing Obama's declaration of emergency include Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, who urged residents of his state to continue not washing their hands, and radio host Rush Limbaugh, who made a point of dying of the virus during his show on Wednesday.
Can There Be Any Doubt That We Are In The End Times? 40th Anniversary Special #~# TBN
States Struggle To Fill Budget Gaps #~# As the economy continues to falter, states are finding it difficult to remain solvent. 
Timeless Masterpiece Liked #~# SANTA CLARA, CA—City Lights, the eternal Charlie Chaplin classic heralded by film scholars as a poignant and seminal work of 20th-century comic realism, was reportedly enjoyed by 24-year-old web designer Ross Strickland Tuesday. "Nice," Strickland said as the credits rolled on Chaplin's magnum opus, a masterpiece of American cinema that was decades ahead of its time and whose themes of civic duty, compassion for the disabled, and honesty in business are just as relevant now as they were in 1931. "I liked it." Strickland later added that he found the silent feature's groundbreaking ending, which was meticulously choreographed by Chaplin in one of the greatest achievements of the filmmaker's 75-year career, "good." 
Laptops Contributed To Pilot Error #~# Federal safety investigators are citing use of laptop computers among the factors that caused a Northwest Airlines pilot and copilot to become distracted and overshoot their destination of Minneapolis by 150 miles. What do you think? 
U.S. Continues Quagmire-Building Effort In Afghanistan #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN— According to sources at the Pentagon, American quagmire-building efforts continued apace in Afghanistan this week, as the geographically rugged, politically unstable region remained ungovernable, death tolls continued to rise, and the grim military campaign persisted as hopelessly as ever.
In This Economy, It Would Be Crazy To Run Out And Expose Yourself To Your Son's Soccer Team #~# Ladies and gentlemen, it's rough out there. I don't need to tell you that. A lot of folks have seen their savings go up in smoke the last couple years, and with unemployment soaring to almost 10 percent, it just makes sense to be a little bit wary and play things safe. It almost goes without saying that, in today's uncertain fiscal climate, it would be downright foolish to strip naked and run onto the field where your son's youth soccer team is playing.
WNBA Franchise Moving To Tulsa Sounds About Right #~# DETROIT—A recent announcement that the WNBA's Detroit Shock would be moving to Tulsa, OK next season seemed pretty much in line with what one would expect from the women's professional basketball league, observers told reporters Sunday. "Tulsa, huh? Sure, makes sense," said Detroit resident Paul Dutton, adding that he would have had the same matter-of-fact response had the Shock said they were moving to Harrisburg, PA, El Paso, TX, or Morgantown, WV. "Actually, when I first heard the news I was more surprised to find out that Tulsa didn't already have a WNBA team. Don't they have a team in Connecticut that plays in a casino? That's so weird." When informed that the Shock would be moving to their hometown, a majority of Tulsa residents politely nodded their heads and continued about their day.
Retiree Gearing Up For Errands With Lady Friend #~# POMPANO BEACH, FL—Following a breakfast of shredded wheat and grapefruit juice, 76-year-old Martin Schoenfeld shaved, tied his shoes, and put on a fresh shirt in preparation for an afternoon of errands at the Pompano Citi Centre with his new lady friend, Marcy Larroway, 73. "I've got the car warming up outside," Schoenfeld said while working a dab of Brylcreem through his hair and deciding whether the two would purchase stamps at the post office first or go straight to the Hallmark store. "Maybe we'll have time for a matinee after the pharmacy. It's right nearby." At press time, Schoenfeld was calling to confirm his 5 p.m. dinner reservation for two at the HomeTown Buffet.
Morrissey Stable After Onstage Collapse #~# Former Smiths singer Morrissey is in stable condition after developing breathing problems and falling to the ground during a performance in Swindon, England. What do you think? 
It's A False Idol, Charlie Brown! #~# ABC FAMILY
Senate Passes Blame By Vote Of 91-8 #~# WASHINGTON—In a rare display of bipartisanship, senators on both sides of the aisle set aside their differences Tuesday and passed off responsibility for the nation's problems by an overwhelming 91-8 margin. "As senators, it's our duty to get any sort of blame out of Congress and onto the president's desk as quickly as possible," said Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), who recalled a similar 2005 decision in which the Senate firmly rejected accountability by a vote of 93-6. "Someone has to accept this blame and do the right thing, and both Democrats and Republicans alike understand the importance of fighting tooth and nail to ensure that it's not us." President Obama is widely expected to veto the blame, sending it back down to the House of Representatives.
T. Rex Ancestor Was Human-Sized #~# Paleontologists have uncovered fossil evidence of a progenitor of the Tyrannosaurus Rex that was no larger than a human being.  What do you you think? 
Sound Strategy Booed #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Completely ignoring the benefits of proper time management, the establishment of good field position, and patience, Jaguars fans heckled Jack Del Rio's sensible decision to punt on fourth and three Sunday, repeatedly shouting obscenities and even calling into question the head coach's sexual orientation. "Just fucking go for it, you pussies," Alex Lewis, 28, said during the second quarter of the Jaguars-Rams game. "Goddamn dumbass, we're on their fucking 45. Come on, idiots. Are we trying to win a football game here or what?" During the entirety of the game, jeering fans were also disgusted by the lack of randomly thrown challenge flags, onside kicks, and players haphazardly lateraling the football.
Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla #~# ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.
Travel Channel Blows Its 'Bed And Breakfasts Of New England' Wad #~# GARRETT, MD—After airing four consecutive days of programming devoted to mulled cider, antique weather vanes, and changing foliage, the Travel Channel effectively blew its New- England-bed-and-breakfast wad Monday with 8 weeks of autumn still to go. "I guess we just got a little too worked up over these charming rustic retreats, and ended shooting our whole damn load," said Travel Channel president Patrick Younge, admitting that for the rest of the season the network will rely primarily on warmed-over Bermuda and Bourdain. "The whole thing's pretty embarrassing. I was sure we'd last a lot longer this year." According to media analysts, no one has shit the bed this bad since the Weather Channel went balls out with its hurricane-season coverage in 2006.
The National Parks: America's Best Idea #~# PBS
Knowshon Moreno Asks Broncos If There's Anything Else To Drink Besides Gatorade #~# SAN DIEGO—Denver running back Knowshon Moreno spent a portion of the Broncos' game against the Chargers Monday night asking team managers if there was anything to drink on the sidelines other than Gatorade. "I'm sick of Gatorade all the time, and I don't want water," said Moreno, who was observed asking a sideline reporter drinking a ginger ale if she "[got] that here or someplace else." "I could definitely go for a Pepsi right now. There's got to be some Pepsi around here. Isn't the NFL sponsored by Pepsi or something?" Later, during a fourth-quarter drive, Moreno reportedly asked his teammates if they wanted a beverage before leaving the field and disappearing into the stands.
Protagonist Scrolls Intensely Through Microfilm #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—A headstrong young protagonist in way over her head visited the microfilm room of the New Haven Public Library Tuesday night in order to delve deeper into a riveting plotline that could put her career—and maybe even her life—on the line.
Joba Chamberlain Gets Permission To Stay Up For Whole Yankees-Angels Game #~# ANAHEIM, CA—Yankees management announced at a postgame press conference Monday that reliever Joba Chamberlain had permission to stay up past his normal 9 p.m. bedtime and would be allowed to attend Game 4 of the ALCS in its entirety. "Young pitchers aren't supposed to stay up late, but he earned it with his recent commitment to improving in the bullpen, plus he asked very nicely," said Yankees GM Brian Cashman, adding that Chamberlain would not, under any circumstance, be allowed to stay up for extra innings. "He needs to understand, though, that this is a special occasion because it's the postseason. He still has to put on his pajamas after the fifth inning. And no candy or soda after 8." Cashman added that, despite rumors, Yankees reliever Phil Hughes would not be allowed to sleep over at Chamberlain's home Thursday as it is a game night.
People Doing Things Poorly #~# FOX
Television, Processed Foods Couldn't Be More Proud Of Child They Raised #~# CHICAGO—After more than two decades of watching over and providing for him, the nation's television and processed food industries announced this week that they couldn't be more happy with how Brian Madsen, 23, has turned out.
Tennessee Titans Fans Looking Forward To Bye Week #~# NASHVILLE, TN—After enduring six straight losses and suffering through a humiliating 59-0 thrashing by the Patriots last Sunday, despondent Titans fans told reporters Wednesday that they were looking forward to enjoying a nice, relaxing bye week. "We're all hurting pretty bad, so this couldn't have come at a better time," Titans season-ticket holder Luther Murphy said. "Hopefully the week off will give us a chance to recharge, heal our wounds, and come back stronger than ever. Ah, who the fuck am I kidding? We suck." Though a majority of Titans fans said they wouldn't think or look at a football during their off week, some said they looked forward to spending their Sunday enjoying NFL football for the first time this year.
A Little Birdie Told Me You Had A Miscarriage #~# Oh my goodness, it's been ages since I've seen you. Don't you look adorable! There's definitely something different about you. Have you lost a little weight, maybe? Now, don't be shy. You've been through some big changes in your life lately, haven't you? In fact, a little birdie told me you had to make a special trip to the hospital because you unexpectedly went into labor after just four months of pregnancy and right there on the delivery table you birthed a tiny fetus that died before it could even take its first breath. 
Man Pinned Beneath Car Wondering When Adrenaline Going To Kick In #~# WAUWATOSA, WI—With the lower half of his body pinned beneath the two-ton bulk of an overturned Jeep, Dennis Wagar told reporters Monday that he was still waiting for the adrenaline surge that would give him the temporary strength required to escape free. "I kind of thought it would've hit me right after the accident happened, but I guess everyone's body is different," said Wagar, who despite losing all sensation in his legs was sure he'd read something in a magazine somewhere about how the body's epinephrine levels increase dramatically in these situations. "Yup. Here it comes. Any minute now." Certain that an energizing rush of adrenaline would wake him, Wagar then decided to take a little nap.
No Rise In Social Security #~# For the first time since 1975, there will not be a cost-of-living increase for Social Security payments. What do you think?
Biggest Errors In MLB Postseason History #~# Sloppy play has led to a number of charged errors during the 2009 MLB playoffs. Onion Sports examines the long, storied tradition of postseason errors.
A-Rod Can't Wait To Someday Tell Estranged Grandchildren About 2009 Postseason #~# NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez continued his dream postseason Saturday by hitting the tying home run in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series, a feat he hopes to reminisce about one day with his countless estranged grandchildren.
October Is Breast Cancer Awareness Month #~# The American Cancer Society predicts 40,170 women will die from breast cancer this year. 
Report: 65% Of All Wildlife Now Used As Homosexual Subculture Signifier #~# PALO ALTO, CA—A study released Tuesday by the Stanford University Department of Linguistics revealed that nearly two-thirds of all animal species have been adopted to describe various gay subcultures. "Many know that bears are large hairy gay men, and that otters are homosexuals who are smaller in stature but still hirsute," said Professor Arvid Sabin, lead author of the study, which also clarifies such denotations as wolf, panda bear, dragonfly, starfish, trout, and yeti. "But do they know, for instance, that 'chicken' is used to describe a thin, inexperienced 18- to 29-year-old gay male? Before long, we could see homosexuals referring to one another as pelicans or even Gila monsters." The study concluded that if immediate conservation measures are not taken, all animal species will be exhausted by 2015 and the gay community will have to start dipping into the plant kingdom. 
Late Show With David Letterman #~# CBS
Math Skills Show Little Growth #~# Testing of American fourth- and eighth-graders shows that only four out of 10 are proficient in mathematics, a figure that has not improved since 2007. What do you think? 
Nation's Morons March On Washington State #~# OLYMPIA, WA—With random cries of "Enough is enough," "Do something now," and "Huh?" thousands of the nation's biggest morons descended on Washington State this week, some 3,000 miles from their intended destination of the nation's capital.
People Are Always Coming To Me With My Problems #~# You ever hear of someone having a "kind face?" Well, I don't know if it's that or something else about me, but it seems as though every time an acquaintance of mine needs to have a serious heart-to-heart about my problems and how they're negatively affecting those around me, they always come to me. As if I'm the guy who can magically make all my problems disappear. 
Redskins Hold Press Conference To Announce They Are Still Sort Of A Football Team #~# WASHINGTON—Washington Redskins head coach Jim Zorn held a press conference Sunday to reassure fans that, despite an inability to effectively execute their offense, defense, or special teams, the Redskins were still somewhat comparable to a real football team. "It's been a tough season so far, and even though we are 2-4, we still have players, uniforms, Motorola headsets—all the components that technically constitute an NFL team, sort of," Zorn said while grimacing and making a "so-so" gesture with his hand. "Sure, I was stripped of play-calling responsibilities by team management, and I really don't have any clue who will play quarterback for us this Sunday, but I swear to you, in a weird, very convoluted way, we are in the NFL." Placing his hand over the microphone, Zorn then spoke briefly with an unidentified man near the stage, and announced that, for what it's worth, the organization owns the Internet domain name washingtonredskins.com through 2010.
Privileged Little Artiste Writing Something Oh-So-Precious Into His Moleskine Notebook #~# SAN FRANCISCO—After gently unfastening the elastic strap keeping his dearest musings safe from prying eyes, little literary artiste Evan Stansky penned a few more darling thoughts into his clothbound Moleskine notebook Wednesday. "These are much higher quality than the notebooks you find at CVS," lilted the auteur, who couldn't be bothered to use—dare it be said—a journal of lesser craftsmanship or pedigree, or one not famously used by such legendary artists as van Gogh and Hemingway. "They're a little more expensive, but I try to write on both sides so I don't go through them as quickly." At press time, the princely scribe was seen finishing his apricot jasmine tea, asking a mere mortal sitting nearby to watch his literary accoutrements, and then prancing off to the Starbucks powder room, light as a feather.
NFL Players Wear Pink For Breast Cancer #~# During the month of October, many professional football players are wearing pink as part of their uniforms to raise awareness for breast cancer. What do you think? 
I'd Buy That For A Dollar! #~# A&E;
Angels Forget They're Playing Season For Nick Adenhart #~# BOSTON—Several questions into a postgame press conference Sunday, it became increasingly clear that Los Angeles Angels players had forgotten they dedicated the 2009 season to deceased teammate Nick Adenhart. "Oh my God, that's right," Angels pitcher John Lackey said after his team's victory over the Boston Red Sox. "Now that you mention it, yes, I do vaguely remember pitching in Nick's memory in April. Anyway, yeah, I guess this one was for Nick then." Lackey added that the Adenhart patch on his uniform now makes a lot more sense.
Mayan Calendar Warns Of Cataclysmic Roland Emmerich Film On Nov. 13 #~# CHICHÉN ITZÁ, MEXICO—Scholars of the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar warned Monday that, according to ancient Mayan calculations, a devastating film by German director Roland Emmerich is set to occur on Nov. 13, 2009. "On this date, near the end of the 13th baktun cycle, when the sun will converge with the centerline of the Milky Way, we will see the release of an overblown ensemble epic by the man responsible for Godzilla and 10,000 BC that could very well end John Cusack's career as we know it," said Thomas Haney, an independent researcher specializing in pre-Columbian cosmology. "At this point, all we can do is hope and pray that the high priests were wrong and the running time is less than 143 minutes." Hastening fears of an unstoppable late-fall disaster has been the discovery of a tablet depicting Mayan king Pacal storming out of a Loews cinema in disgust.
Priest Shortage Forces Vatican To Hire Temps To Deliver Sacred Rites #~# MILWAUKEE—In an emergency effort to boost the dwindling number of Roman Catholic priests in the United States, the Vatican contracted with a nationwide staffing firm last week to hire thousands of temporary employees to provide liturgical services and administer holy sacraments in its American churches.
Water Found On The Moon #~# The presence of water has been detected all over the surface of the moon by planetary geologists. What do you think? 
Situation Bath With Wolf Blitzer #~# CNN
As Per Midnight Madness Tradition, Duke Freshman Sacrificed Center Court #~# DURHAM, NC—Freshman Nate Washburn, 17, was mutilated in front of 12,000 students, players, and coaches at Duke University's Cameron Indoor Stadium Friday during the school's traditional "Midnight Madness Sacrifice A Freshman Ceremony." Prior to their first official practice, six hooded members of the Duke basketball team, lightly chanting the school's fight song, led a blindfolded Washburn to center court, where he was greeted by head coach Mike Krzyzewski. "We offer up Nathan L. Washburn to the One Most High so that we may show our deepest commitment to besting our rivals in this, the 2009-2010 college basketball season," Krzyzewski, adorned in a blue satin cloak and wearing a carved wooden goat mask representing Baal, said before raising a dagger above his head and plunging it into Washburn's chest. "We remove his left arm to signify the ACC title. The right arm for the No. 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament. The head, the national championship. And we pass the still-beating heart amongst the starting five so they can devour it as one. Eruditio et Religio!" Following the ritualistic killing, Duke players ran layup drills.
Area Man Has Far Greater Knowledge Of Marvel Universe Than Own Family Tree #~# LA CROSSE, WI—Returning to his hometown to attend a cousin's wedding Saturday, Josh Sundling, 29, reportedly demonstrated on numerous occasions a vast, far more intricate understanding of the fictional Marvel Comics Universe than of his own family's genealogy.
MonsterQuest #~# HISTORY
Teammates Fully Support Jonathan Papelbon's Claim That Playoff Loss Was His Fault #~# BOSTON—Every member of the Boston Red Sox stood behind teammate Jonathan Papelbon during clubhouse interviews Sunday, vociferously defending the embattled reliever's assertion that the team's first-round sweep by the Angels was entirely his fault. "Pap is one of the best in the game, and if he says he single-handedly blew the series, then I'm with him," said second baseman Dustin Pedroia, who agreed that the closer's Game 3 ninth-inning meltdown was "100 percent on Papelbon." "Sometimes you have a bad day, and sometimes that bad day ruins an entire year's worth of work in the blink of an eye. I'm happy to go to war with a man who knows when he fails so totally and completely." Though Papelbon expressed appreciation for his teammates' backing, he did mention that he never actually said anything like that.
Tall Young Girl Told She Should Play Basketball #~# CHELMSFORD, MA—Based on her above- average height, the presence of two functional arms, and the near certainty that she was a student enrolled at a junior high school, it was suggested by a family friend Tuesday that 13-year-old Hannah Jeffers try out for her school's basketball team. "Wow, you've really grown," neighbor Tom Pike told Jeffers at a recent neighborhood cookout. "Ever play basketball? You should." When Jeffers expressed ambivalence about the idea, Pike cited the same physical and demographic characteristics in proposing she try volleyball.
Consumers Blast Pepsi iPhone App #~# People are raising objections to a new iPhone application from Pepsi that offers to help men seduce women, then keep a "Brag List" they can share with friends. What do you think? 
Vince Vaughn Appears On 'Tonight Show' To Deceive Country About Latest Film #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Popular film actor Vince Vaughn appeared on NBC's Tonight Show Monday to brazenly and unapologetically deceive the American people about his latest movie, Couples Retreat.
Not Knowing How To Celebrate, A-Rod Breaks Champagne Bottle Over Teammates' Heads #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Following the Yankees' Game 3 victory over the Twins in the ALDS Sunday, Alex Rodriguez demonstrated a complete lack of understanding of the most basic celebratory techniques when he broke bottles of champagne over several of his teammates' heads. "We were all screaming and cheering, but he just laughed in this weird monotone for a minute or so, then lifted his arm straight up, smashed a bottle on Melky [Cabrera]'s head, and rubbed the shards of glass into Melky's eyes," teammate Robinson Cano said. "He fired a cork into [Nick] Swisher's face from point-blank range, too. Then he just ran around in tiny circles for about 10 minutes. It was bizarre." Rodriguez's publicist later released a statement of apology indicating that, from this point forward, the Yankee third baseman would jump on home plate with the rest of his teammates after game-winning hits, and would no longer try to lick everyone's face.
Aw, Who Am I Kidding? I'm No Match For Stains #~# For more than 60 years, I have been recognized far and wide as America's foremost stain-fighter. I'm sure you've all heard the ad copy: Tide is the scourge of blotches and splotches everywhere, able to tackle dirt, grime, or hard-to-get-out stains with the best of them. And while that may not always be true, exactly, I still believe that if you examine my record carefully, you will find it is, you know, for the most part…very…uh…very…. 
Every Day Of Local Dad's Life An Endless Battle To Hold On To Good Pen #~# WEEHAWKEN, NJ—Family members confirmed Monday that Weehawken father of three Ken Irvine wakes up every morning prepared to die in order to defend his favorite pen from those who would wrest it from him. "He never lets it out of his sight," said Irvine's daughter Dana, adding that the one time her father let her borrow his pen he kept his eyes trained on it like a sniper. "Sometimes he'll even pretend he doesn't have it with him, even though you can totally see it right there in his breast pocket." The last time Irvine lost track of his pen was when he left it at a bank in 2003, at which point he bought a new pen.
Athletes Excelling Past Their Prime #~# With Brett Favre leading the Vikings to victory and achieving a career-best 5-0 start the day after his 40th birthday, Onion Sports examines other athletes who successfully overcame their advancement in years.
Republican Site Crashes #~# GOP.com, the new social networking site for Republicans, crashed hours after it was launched on Tuesday. What do you think? 
Raiders Achieve First Down #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In an improbable display of competence and a basic execution of football fundamentals, the Oakland Raiders stunned the football world Sunday when running back Michael Bush miraculously rushed for three yards against the Giants and succeeded in converting a first down.
Poland Spring Theatre #~# AMC
Jon And Kate's Messy Public Divorce #~# Since announcing their plans to divorce, Jon and Kate Gosselin, subjects of the TV show Jon And Kate Plus Eight, have had several very public feuds. Here are some highlights from their falling-out:
Cell Phone Stuck In 2-Year Contract With Local Man #~# LAS CRUCES, NM—Though it has been the victim of rampant physical and verbal abuse and feels terrorized by its demanding, possessive partner, a local Samsung SPH-M300 mobile phone cannot get out of its two-year contract with area man Alex Toth. Eyewitnesses have reported seeing Toth, 28, lose his temper and shout at the phone on multiple occasions, often slamming it shut and calling it obscene names. "Sadly, we see this sort of thing all the time," said Peter Lishchenko, a repair specialist with Samsung who has taken the phone in three times in the past six months. "They say they accidentally dropped it down the stairs or whatever, but you know something else is going on." When reached for comment, the SPH-M300 said that Alex Toth is not available and to please press '1' or wait for the tone to leave a message.
Hijacker Arrested After More Than 40 Years #~# Luis Armando Pena Soltren was arrested at John F. Kennedy International Airport on Sunday for his role in a 1968 hijacking of a Pan Am flight bound for Puerto Rico. What do you think?
Report: Majority Of Newspapers Now Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date #~# NEW YORK—According to a report published this week in American Journalism Review, 93 percent of all newspaper sales can now be attributed to kidnappers seeking to prove the day's date in filmed ransom demands.
If God Had Wanted Me To Be Accepting Of Gays, He Would Have Given Me The Warmth And Compassion To Do So #~# I don't question God. The Lord is my Shepherd and I shall put none above Him. Which is why I know that if it were part of God's plan for me to stop viciously condemning others based solely on their sexual preference, He would have seen fit—in His infinite wisdom and all—to have given me the tiniest bit of human empathy necessary to do so.
Defensive Tackle Remi Ayodele To Write Children's Book Titled 'Tubbo Makes A Touchdown' #~# NEW ORLEANS—Saints defensive tackle Remi Ayodele announced plans Monday to write a children's book called Tubbo Makes A Touchdown, which he says will be the heartwarming tale of an overweight hippopotamus who bravely dives on a loose ball and scores the first touchdown of his professional career. "At first nobody wanted to play football with Tubbo, and all the skinny animals teased him and told him he smelled bad," said the 318-pound Ayodele, adding that Tubbo was loosely based on a true story. "But when Tubbo scores the touchdown, he proves he can do the same things the popular animals can do, just a little slower." Ayodele said he hopes to inspire children to believe they can accomplish anything as long as they flop down on top of their opportunities.
Thing That Was Popular Before Brought Back In Hopes Of It Still Being Popular #~# NEW YORK—Confident that people would once again embrace it as a beloved part of pop culture, steps were taken this week to reintroduce a once-popular thing to the public at large. "If you look at all those other things that were popular for a while and then came back, this one is right up there with them," said a high-ranking entertainment industry executive. "Based on its past performance, we can treat the success of [this cultural touchstone] as a known quantity and predict that it will once again win America's heart." At press time, the thing had not recaptured its original popularity, and had been met with multiple nods of recognition from people who remembered it from when they were children.
French Official Won't Resign Over Pederasty Allegations #~# French culture minister Frédéric Mitterrand is refusing to resign following controversy over a passage in his book The Bad Life that insinuates he paid for sex with boys in Thailand. What do you think?
Carla Starla #~# DISNEY
Study: Majority Of 'Calm Downs' Ineffective #~# ITHACA, NY—A study published recently in the Journal Of Mental Health found that attempting to reverse a loud emotional display by asking an individual to calm down was effective only 9 percent of the time. Researchers at Cornell University's behavioral lab induced anxiety in subjects by administering a series of electric shocks, after which everyone was told to "calm down" and "take it easy." "We were surprised to find that not only were these phrases ineffective, but in an overwhelming number of cases they actually exacerbated the situation," psychologist Kenneth Pulaski said. "Even when participants were told to 'just take a deep breath,' they became more and more irate and were eventually reduced to a screaming mess." The study also concluded that telling someone to "just mellow out" would invariably lead to a researcher being punched in the face.
Milwaukee Bucks Find Perfectly Good Shaq At Play It Again Sports #~# MILWAUKEE—While shopping for used equipment at a local Play It Again Sports franchise Tuesday, Bucks general manager John Hammond reportedly came across a mildly damaged Shaq in good working condition next to a bin filled with old tennis balls. "There's definitely been a little wear and tear, and it doesn't look so great, but for $20, I really couldn't pass it up," Hammond said. "The last couple owners didn't really take very good care of it, but it's more than good enough for the Bucks." Guard Michael Redd later told reporters he wished Hammond had purchased a basketball instead, saying that he was tired of practicing jump shots with a rolled-up sock.
Sotomayor Misses Supreme Court Case After Failing To Get Out Of Jury Duty #~# WASHINGTON—Recently appointed justice Sonia Sotomayor told reporters that, despite making dozens of excuses, she was selected for jury duty this week, causing her to miss a landmark Supreme Court case addressing campaign finance reform.
Barack Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize #~# For the achievement of giving the world "hope for a better future," President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. What do you think? 
Grey's Anatomy #~# ABC
Miguel Cabrera Hits Dismal .194 In Fight With Wife #~# DETROIT—According to a local police report, Tigers first baseman Miguel Cabrera only connected on a pitiful 13 of 67 swings during an altercation with his wife Saturday, bringing his average down to .194 for the day, with a laughable .220 slugging percentage this month. "The guy'll swing at anything," Cabrera's wife, Rosangel, told reporters. "The truth is, he's been whiffing all year. When he does make contact, it's just a little dinker here and a dinker there." Though Cabrera continues to struggle, the scratches on his face indicate that his wife could be on pace to hit well over .400 this year.
Community Gives Up Following Tragedy #~# FORT SCOTT, KS—In the wake of a car accident that claimed the lives of four promising high schoolers, Fort Scott mayor Thomas Dietrich told reporters Monday that his shattered community had come together as one, acknowleged its horrible loss, and decided to "just call it quits."
Wheel Of Fortune #~# NBC
Quaker Oats Canister Relabeled 'DRUGS' For Grade School Play #~# ABINGDON, MD—In order to dispel any confusion regarding the contents of a 42-ounce Quaker Oats canister used in the play Drugs Stink!, Orchard Elementary School students wrapped the tin cylinder in red construction paper and wrote "DRUGS" on it in large block letters, sources reported Tuesday. "Here, try some of my drugs," said third-grader Beth Carlisle, who, ensuring her grip did not obscure the canister's sinister label, spilled some imaginary narcotics into the palm of fellow cast member Samantha Drake. "They'll make you feel real good, heh, heh, heh." According to witnesses, the canister was later discovered by a school janitor, who determined it would make an ideal container for storing his weed.
Parents Against Swine Flu Vaccine #~# An Associated Press poll shows that 38 percent of all parents do not want their children vaccinated against the H1N1 virus, or swine flu. What do you think? 
God Introduces New Bird #~# THE HEAVENS—In what is being described by advance marketing materials as "the first divine creation in more than 6,000 years," God Almighty, Our Lord Most High, introduced a brand-new species of bird into existence Monday.
Flyers Defeat Devils In What Everyone Involved Believes To Be Preseason Game #~# NEWARK, NJ—In a game that everyone in the stands and on the ice believed to be a tune-up before the NHL's regular season begins, Philadelphia Flyers goalie Ray Emery led his team to a 5-2 victory over the New Jersey Devils Saturday night. "We made a few mistakes out there, but we'll get those ironed out by the time these games count," said Flyers center Mike Richards, whose second goal of the 2009-2010 regular season lifted the Flyers to a 2-0-0 record. "You can't get too worked up about an exhibition game. Most of the fans left in the middle of the second period anyway." During a postgame press conference, Devils coach Jacques Lemaire told reporters that he wasn't worried about the loss, saying that during the regular season he would never pull his goalie for the entire third period just to get some practice playing with an extra attacker.
Adorable Rockies Attempting To Win World Series #~# PHILADELPHIA—In an absolutely precious little press conference before the start of the NLDS Wednesday, the upstart Colorado Rockies confirmed that they would be making the most adorable effort to win the World Series this year. "They looked so handsome up there in their clean, pressed uniforms that I could have just died," said ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons, adding that he wanted to walk right up to Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki and pinch his iddy-biddy cheeks. "I know I shouldn't have laughed when they said they thought they had a chance, but it was so priceless to see them pretending to talk like grown-ups." Saying that they felt they were being patronized, the Rockies concluded the press conference with quite the temper tantrum, because they were tired and cranky and needed a nap.
My Mistress Makes The Best Potato Salad #~# There's nothing I enjoy more than the creamy, tangy taste of a homemade potato salad. "Heaven in a Bowl," I like to call it. I've been a fool for the stuff ever since I was kid, and I've sampled some pretty tasty batches in my day, too. But let me tell you, if they ever held some sort of Potato Salad Olympics, every gold medal would go to Jessica, the woman I've been nailing behind my wife's back for nearly three years now.
Man Defends Home State's License Plate Design #~# BOSTON—Despite having never before given the topic a moment's thought, maintenance mechanic Ron Krueger, 46, aggressively defended his home state of Pennsylvania's license plate design Monday after a coworker's negative comment. "The horizontal bands of blue, white, and yellow are not only bold, but they're the perfect color combination," Krueger said in defense of the piece of aluminum. "Also, it's ridiculous for you to not like the font. Check out the stupid frilly letters on your license plate; they look terrible. State names should always be in caps. Always." Krueger was later surprised at how angry he became when a coworker complained that it took a long time to drive across Pennsylvania.
Hummer Drivers Get Most Tickets #~# A study conducted by a statistical information company concluded that drivers of Hummers received 4.63 times the number of citations other drivers did. What do you think? 
MLB Playoff Predictions #~# With the 2009 regular season out of the way, Onion Sports runs down what to look for during the postseason.
ESPN Completely Misses Brett Favre Vs. Green Bay Packers Storyline #~# BRISTOL, CT—In what is being called the biggest gaffe in the sports network's 30-year history, ESPN totally forgot to cover last week's Brett Favre vs. Green Bay Packers storyline.
Comedy Central Presents Nick Swardson's Last Hope #~# COMEDY CENTRAL
Bank Of America CEO Resigns #~# Once heralded as a shrewd innovator, embattled CEO Ken Lewis is now leaving Bank Of America. Here are some key missteps from the past 18 months that have cast a pall over his tenure:
Cyberball Robot Player's Union Says Lockout Likely In 2073 Season #~# EARTH—DR-66, the Variable Representative Unit for the ICBL Robot Players Union, announced Monday that collective-bargaining agreement negotiations had malfunctioned, forcing Cyberball team owners to threaten a lockout protocol in the 2073 season. "Cyberbots will continue to perform the tasks their mainframes were calibrated for unless the ICBL initiates the termination of league activities," DR-66 said in a galaxy-wide holo-transmission. "I am unable to detect any gratitude from owners of magnesium wide receivers and titanium running backs who continually execute, on command, motion-based operations with a 350-pound explosive ball. I honestly cannot believe my proximity sensors." DR-66 then publicly criticized Sky Rogers, the ICBL commissioner and former head coach of the Moscow Machine, 10 million times per second for refusing to share credits revenue data.
Favorite Stick Brought Inside #~# DENVER—Discarding a number of twigs that did not conform to his high standards, Nicholas Thompson, 5, finally selected a favorite stick from his backyard Friday, deeming the 24-inch Norway maple branch to be sufficient in length and sturdiness to be brought inside his home. "This is a good stick," said Thompson, who evaluated the piece of wood and determined it made a cool whooshing noise. "And it's magic. So it can turn into a wizard's wand and poke bad guys." Thompson family sources reported that since the beginning of 2009 Nicholas has brought 11 favorite rocks, 17 preferred pinecones, and one beloved handful of dirt into their home.
Autism More Common Than Thought #~# A new government study published in the journal Pediatrics indicates that one in every 91 American children is affected by autism instead of the previously estimated number of one in 150. What do you think? 
Obama: Health Care Plan Would Give Seniors Right To Choose How They Are Killed #~# WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama held a nationally televised address Tuesday to "clarify any misunderstandings" about his health care proposal, assuring Americans that under the new bill senior citizens—and not the federal government—will have the right to choose how they are executed.
Looks Like We Got Ourselves A Regular Nobel Prize-Winning Physicist Douglas Osheroff On Our Hands #~# Hey, check out the "professor" over here. "Oh, the beer at this party isn't very cold," he says. Well, now, aren't we just a regular expert in low-temperature phenomena this evening? Who are you, the Nobel Prize– winning physicist who discovered the superfluid phase of the Helium-3 isotope? 
Promise Of Hot Meal, Free Uniform All Juwan Howard Needed To Sign With Blazers #~# PORTLAND, OR—Speaking with members of the Portland media Tuesday, veteran forward Juwan Howard announced between spoonfuls of complimentary tomato soup that he was excited to be a part of the Trail Blazers' organization, and was "proud and grateful" to wear the team's free uniform. "It's exciting to be a part of this team, but the fact that [team owner] Paul [Allen] promised me free rye bread here today was really the determining factor," said the 6-foot-9 power forward, who arrived to the press conference shirtless. "I look forward to contributing in any way I can. Hey, I'll be getting an away jersey, too, right? Gets so cold at night." Howard was the fifth player selected in the 1994 draft, and ever since has been wearing the Washington Bullets hat the team gave him that night. 
'Entertainment Weekly' Critic Lets Director Redo 'Sorority Row' For Better Grade #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Critic Kate Ward told reporters Monday that she has given director Stewart Hendler a chance to reshoot his horror-thriller Sorority Row and improve upon the "D" grade he received in her recent Entertainment Weekly review of the film. "Stewart came to my office to talk about his grade, and we discussed where he went wrong with his production," said Ward, who is often described by filmmakers as a "tough-but-fair" reviewer. "He seems to understand the problems with his use of gratuitous nudity and has promised to fix some of the larger plot holes. If he applies himself and gets Carrie Fisher to sign on again in a bigger role, he could very well get a 'C' when I average the two grades." Hendler said he will use more crosscuts in his second attempt at Sorority Row, a technique he claims helped "ass-kisser" Steven Soderbergh earn a "B" for The Informant
T. Rex Skeleton Put Up For Auction At Casino #~# A nearly complete skeleton of a Tyrannosaurus rex found in South Dakota was put up for auction at the Venetian casino in Las Vegas last weekend. What do you think?
How It's Broken #~# DISC
Secretary Of The Ulterior Clearly Vying For Better Cabinet Position #~# WASHINGTON—Following a Monday morning staff meeting, White House sources said it has become clear that Department of the Ulterior head Arthur Killen is jockeying for a higher-ranking cabinet position. "I thought I'd bring in some gourmet coffee cake today—no reason, really, I just know how everyone loves a nice coffee cake," Killen was overheard saying moments after he explained to Rahm Emanuel that he "had no idea" how a report addressing wasteful spending in the Department of Energy had ended up in the chief of staff's briefcase. "Where is [current Energy Secretary] Steven [Chu]? Oh, he's out of town today? Boy, he's really been missing a lot of work lately, hasn't he?" White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said it is unlikely Killen will be promoted, as the ulterior secretary's latest actions have once again proved he is ideally suited for his current position. 
Detroit Facing Corpse Surplus #~# Corpses are piling up in the Wayne County Morgue in Detroit because families and loved ones can't afford to bury or cremate the bodies. What do you think? 
Struggling Museum Now Allowing Patrons To Touch Paintings #~# NEW YORK—Hoping to boost attendance and broaden its base of supporters, the Metropolitan Museum of Art launched a new initiative this week that allows patrons, for the first time ever, to prod and scratch at the classic paintings in its revered collection.
Corn and Popcorn #~# FOOD
Sullen Ryan Zimmerman Draws 'X' Next To Team's Name In Standings #~# WASHINGTON—Following the Nationals' most recent loss Sunday, witnesses reported seeing third baseman Ryan Zimmerman quietly marking a copy of The Washington Post with a small 'x' next to the team's name in the standings, just to see what it would look like if the Nationals had clinched a playoff spot. "See ya next week, Dodgers," Zimmerman muttered to himself in apparent reference to his team's imaginary first-round playoff opponent. According to sources, Zimmerman then went on to scribble a 'z' next to the Nationals' name saying, "Wow, best record in the National League. Looks like the road to the World Series goes right through good old Washington." Zimmerman then reportedly drew a "2" in front of his home run total, giving him 232 on the year.
Husband Still Faithful After 42 Years Of Trying To Cheat #~# SARASOTA, FL—Through the ups and downs of raising four children, years of financial hardship, and all the stresses and turmoil of daily life, claims adjuster Arnold Schneider has stayed true to his wife of 42 years, despite his most determined efforts to engage in sexual intercourse outside of wedlock.
Reds Cut Magic Number To 17 #~# CINCINNATI—Trailing the first-place Cardinals by only 15 games with less than a week to go in the regular season, the Cincinnati Reds cut their magic number down to 17 with a win over St. Louis Tuesday. "I think we've got the momentum now to wrap up the NL Central and go on to win the pennant," manager Dusty Baker said at a press conference following the game. "And though it's certainly not our strategy, we could always pick up the wild card spot, just as long as the Rockies and Braves lose to each other seven times tomorrow." Baker added that the tight NL Central race is "great for baseball."
Nevada Has Highest Percentage Of Uninsured Children #~# A Census report says that Nevada leads the nation in uninsured children, with nearly 20 percent lacking health coverage. What do you  think? 
Town Proud Of Water Tower #~# RICE, MN—Local residents reported Monday that the 157-foot-tall water tower in the center of town was the finest water storage structure in the region. "She's a real beaut," said native Rodney Anderson, adding that the gorgeous shade of robin's egg blue has never had a "lick of that graffiti on it." "Much better than the water tower in Holdingford. Heck, you can even see it from Holdingford." Multiple town sources also noted that the tower has a ladder that "goes all the way to the top."
Shell Executives Accuse Oil-Covered Otter Of Playing It Up #~# OAK HARBOR, WA—Executives from the Shell Oil Company blasted a floundering, oil-covered sea otter Monday, accusing the small aquatic mammal of grossly exaggerating the effects of last week's hazardous petroleum spill. 
Lions Victory Celebration Ultimately Plunges Fans Into Deeper Depression #~# DETROIT—Euphoria gave way to deep, unwavering depression Sunday when fans celebrating the Detroit Lions' first win in two years realized the utter insignificance of the accomplishment, and how pathetic their unadulterated joy must have looked to the rest of the country. "I actually jumped into the arms of a complete stranger because we won against a team that finished in last place last year," Lions fan Joe Kula said of the team's 19-14 victory over the Redskins. "Celebrating a week-three victory like we just won a Super Bowl is not only unwarranted, it is preposterous and humiliating. We're a terrible football team. Oh, my God, we're so terrible." A postgame effort by the Lions to build a victory stage at the 50-yard line to honor the achievement was abandoned mid-construction.
Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who's Winning Reports #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—Local resident Paula Sizemore, 29, who has consistently dominated her 28-year-old boyfriend Sam Leach during the entirety of their two years together, told reporters Monday that the couple’s relationship should in no way be considered a power struggle. “The key to success in any loving partnership is communication and mutual respect,” said Sizemore, who routinely ignores Leach when she’s not interested in what he is saying and often mentions his shortcomings in front of the couple’s friends. “With Sam and I, there’s never any petty bickering or one-upmanship. In fact, I don’t think we’ve had an argument in months, not since I made him get rid of that god-awful [1978 Dodge Charger] he was always working on.” At press time, Leach was unavailable for comment, as Sizemore had cut him off before he could speak.
There's Nothing More Exhausting Than A Long Day Of Placing Vaginal Transmitters In Moose #~# Man, am I beat. You ever feel so wiped at the end of the day that the thought of going back to work the next morning is just unbearable? Yeah, well, that's the grind, I guess. I wish I had the energy to go out and throw back a couple of cold ones, but after a week of tracking female moose through the Alaskan wilderness, tranquilizing them, and placing VHF transmitters inside of their vaginas, all I want to do is flop down on the couch and zone out. 
New Mariah Carey CD Has Ads #~# The 34-page booklet for Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel, the new CD from Island Def Jam recording artist Mariah Carey, includes advertisements for such products as Elizabeth Arden cosmetics. What do you think? 
Michael Vick Fails To Inspire Team With 'Great' Dogfighting Story #~# PHILADELPHIA—Michael Vick's pregame pep talk Sunday, in which he recounted the events of a brutal 2004 dogfight between his pit bull terrier Zebro and rival pit bull Maniac, failed to inspire his teammates in any way whatsoever, Eagles team sources reported.
Parking Garage Surveillance Camera #~# DISC
Nation's Poor Bastards Never Even Saw It Coming #~# NEW YORK—According to a report published Tuesday by the Center for the Study of Goddamn Fucking Shames, 96 percent of the nation's sorry sons of bitches never even saw it coming. The study found that two-thirds of those surveyed didn't stand a chance, 21 percent never would've thought for a second, and 2 percent were just sitting there minding their own business when all of a sudden, whack, right in the back of the head. "Poor bastards," head researcher David Childress said. The report also showed that the remaining 4 percent did manage to see it coming, but before they had a chance to do a damn thing about it, it was too late.
Placekicker Using Practice To Work On Placekicking #~# HOUSTON—Texans placekicker Kris Brown used a three-hour practice Thursday to work on placekicking, sources reported. "Just did about 30 minutes of placekicking, so now I'm gonna take a break and then do a little more placekicking," Brown was overheard saying to no one in particular. "Placed the ball a bunch. Kicked it a bunch. Think I'm good with placekicking for the day." Brown reportedly startled his wife that night by wondering briefly if he had forgotten to practice placekicking that day. 
Cameron Distributing Darwin #~# Actor Kirk Cameron, best known for his work on the television program Growing Pains, is touring college campuses to hand out copies of Charles Darwin's Origin of Species that contain a 50-page critique by Cameron himself. What do you think? 
Man Signs Up For PumpkinZonia.com, Seeing As There's Free Prismatic Pumpkin Points In It #~# BALTIMORE—Local restaurant manager Brad Conner signed up for a PumpkinZonia.com membership Monday, attracted by the irresistible lure of 10 completely free, no-strings-attached Prismatic Pumpkin Points, which he can spend as he sees fit.
Congressional Soup #~# CSPAN
Tim Duncan Calls Out Geometric Angle Needed To Make Bank Shot #~# SAN ANTONIO—Immediately after releasing a 12-foot jump shot Tuesday night, Spurs center Tim Duncan called out the angle necessary for the ball to bank off the backboard and into the basket. "Forty-six-point-seven degrees," said the airborne Duncan, also noting the ball's initial upward velocity of 14.4 meters per second after a moment of mental calculation. "Two points." According to team sources, when teammate Tony Parker failed to call out the angle of a bank shot later in the game, Duncan glared at the point guard for the entire fourth quarter.
Area Dad Talking About Pete Maravich Again #~# INDIANAPOLIS—While watching a recent Pacers-Cavaliers game with his 31-year-old son Daniel, Paul Steitzer, 64, began talking about former Jazz and Hawks legend "Pistol" Pete Maravich, marking the sixth time this season that Steitzer has brought up the Hall of Fame point guard from out of nowhere. "I don't know what makes him think about Pete Maravich, but all of a sudden he'll start saying things like 'He's no Maravich,' or 'Maravich would have made that pass,'" said the younger Steitzer, adding that over the last 30 years, his father has compared Pete Maravich to nearly every point guard in the league, as well as to Moses Malone and Anthony Mason. "Whenever he talks about Maravich, he always brings up how quick he was and says 'whoa boy' a lot." Steitzer later told reporters that his father even talks about Maravich in situations that do not traditionally involve basketball, noting that before his wedding last June, Steitzer took a moment to tell his son how Maravich would often perform "this crazy fake wrist pass thing."
Prima Donna Surgeon Storms Out Of Half-Full Operating Theater #~# BALTIMORE—Midway through Friday night's quadruple-bypass procedure at the Johns Hopkins Hospital, the celebrated but moody cardiac surgeon Dr. Stuart Reinhorn threw down his laser scalpel in apparent disgust at the size of his audience and declared the poorly attended artery-grafting to be over. "What is this, Lambert County General?" said Reinhorn, who stopped the surgery after a delicate suturing maneuver failed to elicit a rousing response from those in the observation gallery. "I'm giving the performance of my life, yet I'm treated like some first-year resident sawing off limbs at a community medical center." After Reinhorn locked himself in the scrub room and refused to come out, undersurgeon Dr. Ken Wilcox, who most recently performed in a Cedars-Sinai appendectomy, attempted a revival of the patient that eventually reduced his audience to tears.
Drug Found To Boost Female Libido #~# Flibanserin, a drug developed unsuccessfully as a treatment for depression, was shown to increase and enhance sex drive in women. What do you think?
Gunman Thought Coworkers Would Be Back From Lunch By Now #~# NEW YORK—Rushing into the offices of Bird & Webb Publishing and aiming his semiautomatic rifle at a swath of empty cubicles, disgruntled office manager Harrold Schoepke was surprised Monday to find that his coworkers had not yet returned from their lunch break. 
Everyone In Huddle Afraid To Tell Aaron Rodgers About Turf Stuck In Teeth #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Members of the Packers offense opted not to tell quarterback Aaron Rodgers about the large clump of turf wedged between his front teeth during the second quarter Sunday, saying they were fearful of the embarrassment it might cause him. "It was awkward because when he called us into the huddle, there was all this grass and dirt still hanging out of his mouth from when he was sacked on the last play," said left tackle Chad Clifton, adding that he couldn't concentrate with the huge chunk of sod hanging from Rodgers' face. "I brushed at my mouth a few times, but he didn't get the hint. He just kept on talking about my blocking assignment or something." Clifton said that he felt terrible about the situation and that it came as a relief when Rodgers was sacked on the next three plays, knocking the turf loose. 
The Money We Waste On NASA's Space Program Would Be Better Spent On Space Programs For The Poor #~# So, the United States just sent another multimillion-dollar shuttle out into space to do God knows what. Yet all the while, back here on Earth, men and women are living so far below the poverty line that they can't even obtain the most basic of necessities, let alone ride aboard the Atlantis out of our planet's atmosphere.
Man Who Enjoys Popular Rock Songs Discovers Perfect Radio Station #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Sean Ridgeway, a 36-year-old carpenter who is fond of popular rock 'n' roll music from the late 1960s to the present, told reporters Monday that he has somehow discovered a radio station with a format that matches his tastes exactly. "I'm telling you, [93.2 FM] the Beast has it all," said Ridgeway, who was also amazed that much of the station's advertising seemed custom-tailored to him due to its abundant information on local establishments serving both beer and chicken wings. "The Stones, the Who, Pearl Jam, Green Day, you name it. And get this, every day at five o'clock the Z-Man plays three songs in a row by Led Zeppelin. It's called 'Get the Led Out.' I love Led Zeppelin." Though Ridgeway said that he is satisfied with the Beast's programming, he is reportedly investigating enticing claims of more rock and less talk made by a competing radio station.
Thanksgiving Today #~# While the rest of the world goes about its business, the United States will celebrate its traditional day of thanks today. What do you think?
Pittsburgh School District Leads Nation In Ability To Spell 'Roethlisberger' #~# PITTSBURGH—Just four years ago, then-eighth-grader Heather Lawler had no idea how to spell Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger's last name. She would often eliminate the "e" after the "o," or place an extra vowel before the "l."
Biden Pardons Single Yam In Vice Presidential Thanksgiving Ritual #~# WASHINGTON—In keeping with a longstanding Thanksgiving tradition, Vice President Joe Biden ceremonially pardoned a 4-pound yam today at a ceremony in the White House Rose Garden. "Under my authority as vice president of the United States of America, I hereby grant this yam full and unconditional clemency," a smiling Biden declared as he gently patted "Spud," a Beauregard sweet potato grown in Louisiana and selected from millions of candidates yielded by this year’s harvest. "May he never find himself in a casserole. Right, little guy?" Like yams reprieved before him, Spud will ride as an honored guest aboard the second float of the Disneyland Thanksgiving Day Parade before spending the rest of his life in the comfort and safety of a tuber petting zoo.
90210 #~# CW
'Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2' Breaking Sales Records #~# During its first five days on the shelves, Activision's latest installment in the first-person-shooter video game franchise Call Of Duty brought in $550 million worldwide. What are the reasons for its popularity?
Nation To Be Sterilized From 1 P.M. To 4 P.M. This Friday #~# NEW YORK—The mandatory sterilization of all sexually mature U.S. citizens is set to take place this Friday from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m Eastern Standard Time. Everyone is reminded to have their genitals clean-shaven before reporting to local Defertilization Centers at the time indicated on the information cards mailed out last month. 
'Old Dogs' Opens Today #~# Old Dogs, starring John Travolta and Robin Williams, opens today. What do you think?
Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count #~# ROCKFORD, IL—Local grandmother Eileen Stafford, 78, expressed concern Monday over the number of dinner rolls she should have on hand for this year’s Thanksgiving meal, appearing distressed when discussing the implications of there being either too many or possibly too few.
Like Hell I'm Going To Let Some Black President Help Me Pay For Dialysis #~# I take pride in who I am. Always have, always will. I've worked hard my whole life and have never taken anyone's charity, and I'm not about to start now, no matter what. I'm telling you, there's no way I'm going to sit back and let some black president of the United States try to devise a structure to help me pay for the dialysis treatment I so desperately need to survive.
Nets Announce Team Is In Re-Demolition Mode #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In a continuing effort to destroy their roster and ultimately cause their team's collapse, Nets officials announced Monday that the franchise was entrenched in a long-term re-demolition process. "Obviously, we're not going to just fall apart overnight, but our 0-10 start is proof that we're imploding in the right direction," said general manager Kiki Vandeweghe. "We've been working for years to demolish the core of the Nets roster by getting rid of Jason Kidd, Richard Jefferson, and Vince Carter. And with the acquisition of Yi Jianlian from China, a player who is sure to be a bust, this organization has begun to really focus on tearing itself down from the ground up." Vandeweghe said he is following the re-demolition model established by the New York Knicks and praised the ongoing team-destruction efforts of owner Jim Dolan, who he said is "doing a great job over there."
Boarding School Student Receives Wet William #~# DEERFIELD, MA—Deerfield Academy first-year Foster R. Poole III told reporters Monday that he had received yet another Wet William from a group of upperclassmen who reportedly torment the 14-year-old private school student relentlessly. "If they're not administering a painful Charles Horse to my thigh, then they're manhandling my scalp with a series of rough Baron Von Noogingtons," Poole said while drying his ear with a monogrammed handkerchief. "And just last week those ruffians forced my head into a lavatory toilet and gave me the Aqua Coriolis of a lifetime. Simply outrageous behavior." Poole said he plans to try out for the coxswain position on the academy's varsity crew team, a gambit for increased popularity he hopes will curtail the painful Wedgewoods he often receives while changing in the gymnasium locker room.
Oprah To End Her Talk Show #~# Oprah Winfrey announced last week that she would end her talk show in 2011. What do you think?
Department Of Needing Transportation: 'Anyone Heading To Tucson This Weekend?' #~# PHOENIX—Stressing that it would be really good to get there by Saturday afternoon, the U.S. Secretary of Needing Transportation issued a formal request Monday stating that he would "be happy" to tag along on any potential weekend trips to Tucson.
Red Bull Playhouse #~# SPIKE
Bengals' Uniforms No Longer Look Stupid Now That Team Is Good #~# BRISTOL, CT—By wearing their brightly colored orange-and-black tiger-print uniforms during a victory over the Steelers, the division-leading 7-2 Cincinnati Bengals made their team gear appear far less stupid Sunday. “The Bengals uniforms during the ‘90s, and the ones from their 11-loss season in 2008, looked really stupid, like they were wearing carpet ripped straight out of a discount strip club,” analyst Chris Mortenson said during an ESPN radio broadcast Monday. “But now that they’re on top of the AFC North, you might even go so far as to say that their uniforms are classic. I’m even starting to think that the one dumb striped panel going down the leg isn’t so godawful anymore.” When discussing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ current red-and-pewter jerseys versus their old orange-and-white uniforms, however, Mortenson concluded that, in either version, the team “has always looked like shit.”
'The Office' Ends As Documentary Crew Gets All The Footage It Needs #~# SCRANTON, PA—After nearly six years on the air, NBC's hit show The Office ended abruptly Thursday when documentary filmmaker Ian Sheffield announced that he and his crew had all the footage of the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company's Scranton branch required for their project. "In retrospect, we really over-shot this thing by an enormous margin," said Sheffield, adding that he likely had more than enough good material after filming a British workplace from 2001 to 2003. "We would have finished much earlier if one employee or another didn't insist on being interviewed every three minutes. And I have no idea why we were invited to Jim and Pam's wedding. All of that stuff is totally unusable." Sheffield said that the footage will be drastically cut down and used primarily as B-roll for the planned 90-minute educational film about paper manufacture and production. 
Costco Nixes Coke Sales #~# Due to a disagreement over pricing, big box wholesale club Costco is not carying Coca Cola. What do you think? 
New 'Noveller' Allows People To Post Novels They Write During Course Of Their Day #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Noveller, the online macroblogging service that lets users post their impromptu narrative ruminations on modern life, society, and the nature of existence itself, celebrated its millionth post late last week, officially making it the world's most popular prose-sharing tool.
Several 2009 MLB Awards Clearly Thought Up On The Spot #~# NEW YORK—A number of players suggested to reporters Monday that, with accolades such as the AL Platinum Baseman Award and the Best Lead Off of the Year Trophy, the Baseball Writers' Association of America was almost certainly making up its year-end honors on the spot. "When they were calling out the names of the awards and players, they were stammering and saying 'um' and 'uh' a lot," said Tampa Bay Rays slugger and 2009 Best Batting Gloves Award winner Evan Longoria. "I'd never heard of that award until five minutes ago. Same with the Pretty Good Bunter Award." Longoria added, however, that if there is now such a thing as the Hitter of the Year Goblet, he might as well try to win it.
Nation's Music Snobs Protest Predictable Use Of Metallica, Pantera To Torture Prisoners #~# WASHINGTON—Amid continued reports detailing the CIA's use of loud music to torture detainees at Guantánamo Bay, pop-culture elitists from across the country gathered in the nation's capital Monday to protest the uninspired song selections employed in the brutal treatment of inmates.
Senator Byrd The Longest-Serving Lawmaker #~# After more than 56 years in office, 92-year-old Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) has become the longest-serving member of Congress. What do you think? 
LeBron James Encourages NBA To Stop Jumping In Honor Of Michael Jordan #~# WASHINGTON—Prior to Wednesday's game against the Washington Wizards, Cleveland Cavaliers all-star LeBron James announced that he would stop jumping during professional basketball games in order to properly honor recent Hall of Fame inductee Michael Jordan. "MJ jumped a lot. It was his signature. When players jump in this league, whether for a tip-off, a jump shot, or a layup, they're basically copying what Michael Jordan did when he would propel himself upward and lift both feet off the ground," James told reporters in a press conference in which he asked other players to join him in the ground-staying-on tribute. "The fact of the matter is, without MJ changing the game by making his body go up into the air, us young guys wouldn't even know what jumping is." James later scored 38 points against the last-place Wizards with his feet flat on the floor. 
Montessori School Of Dentistry Lets Students Discover Their Own Root Canal Procedures #~# NEW YORK—Inside the Montessori School of Dentistry, you won't find any old-fashioned cotton swabs, or so-called periodontal charts, or even any amalgam fillings. That's because at this alternative-learning institution, students are being encouraged to break away from medical tradition and discover their very own root canal procedures. 
Retired Guy Working At A Hardware Store #~# HGTV
Eagles Settle For Field Goal After 260-Yard Drive #~# SAN DIEGO—The Eagles were forced to settle for a field goal against the Chargers Sunday after sustaining a 260-yard, 64-play drive that featured six separate red-zone appearances and took 52 minutes off the game clock. "It's disappointing not to score a touchdown when you keep a drive alive for more than three and a half quarters," said quarterback Donovan McNabb, who completed 32 of his 66 passes, converted 26 first downs, and was carted off the field for X-rays twice during the drive. "At least we came away with three points. Those 120 yards in penalties really hurt our field position, but those conversions on third and 21, third and 64, and the fake punt on fourth and 72 showed that this team never quits." Backup QB Michael Vick took one snap from center during the nearly hour-long drive, failing to complete a screen pass.
Heroin Addicts Pressure President To Stay Course In Afghanistan #~# LOS ANGELES—As the White House considers sweeping strategic shifts in the war in Afghanistan, heroin addicts across the nation called on President Obama Monday to stick with the current U.S. policy, which has flooded the world market with low-price narcotics. "There's no need to change nothing, Joe Biden," said addict Reginald "Bones" Dillow, who, when conscious, is an outspoken proponent of the U.S. military strategy that has resulted in a nearly 40-fold increase in Afghan opium production since the end of Taliban rule in 2001. "Everything is so cheap—it's all totally fine like it is, right? Over there, I mean. Why would you want to…do the…[garbled]." Obama is reportedly looking into economic incentives that would both persuade poor Afghans to cease opium cultivation and benefit chemically dependent Americans, the most promising of which involves constructing facilities in the war-torn country for the manufacture of methadone.
This Would Be The Best Mental Hospital Ever If Elliott Gould Weren't Hiding In The Toilet #~# I've been a patient at the Sunhaven Mental Health Center for about six months now, and I honestly can't say enough about what a fantastic institution it is. Whether it's the beautiful grounds, the progressive methods for treating various psychiatric disorders, or the highly experienced staff of therapists, nurses, and orderlies happy to provide for one's every need, Sunhaven is, for the most part, an outstanding facility.
Federal Government Wants Subway Safety Oversight #~# The Obama administration will propose that safety regulations for subways and commuter trains be put under the jurisdiction of the federal government. What do you think? 
Patriots Lead Colts At Halftime #~# INDIANAPOLIS—As of press time, the New England Patriots, playing on the road against an undefeated Indianapolis team, are headed into halftime with an all-but-insurmountable 24-14 lead.
Middle East Small Talks To Focus On Getting Israel, Palestine To Discuss Weather #~# LONDON—According to State Department officials, the violently clashing peoples of Israel and Palestine have agreed to resume small talks this week in an effort to move toward eventually having a discussion about the weather. "Our goal is to achieve a preliminary open dialogue about the weather that will be mutually beneficial for all involved," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, adding that the small talks would likely touch upon other issues, such as how the nations' kids were, and whether or not the other government had seen the game last night. "They may not see eye to eye on every point, of course, but the most important thing now is for both nations to just sit down and say that, yes, it looks like rain, and that, man, the traffic out there sure was a nightmare this morning, wasn't it?" At press time, officials were trying to find the easiest way for representatives from Israel and Palestine to bump into each other at the grocery store.
Scientists Replace Penile Tissue In Rabbits #~# Researchers from North Carolina's Wake Forest University successfully engineered a replacement erectile tissue that, when implanted in the penises of rabbits, allowed the animals to regain full sexual function. What do you think?
Kathy Griffin: Same Old Shit #~# BRAVO
Obama Weighs Options In Afghanistan #~# Pressure is mounting on President Obama to make a decision on the future of Afghanistan. 
December Named National Awareness Month #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat what organizers are calling "our current epidemic of complete and utter obliviousness," the American Foundation for Paying Attention to Things has declared December "National Awareness Month."
Who Swoons Over 'New Moon'? #~# Item! Guess which vampire franchise is…hold on. I'm going to let you finish, but first let me say that Jackie Harvey is the greatest entertainment columnist ever! I'm sorry, I couldn't resist! This Halloween I went as interrupting rapper Kane West, and I guess I'm still in character a little bit. But I don't want you to think I went in blackface or anything like that. It was very tasteful. Also, I don't want to give the impression that by dressing like him and repeating his words I endorse what he did. Just the opposite: I think his actions at the Grammys were totally out of line. In any case, my costume was great, and it won third place at the Halloween party I went to.
Mickey Mouse Noticeably Avoids A-Rod During Trip To Disney World #~# ORLANDO, FL—Members of the Yankees couldn’t help but notice that the resort’s iconic mascot Mickey Mouse made a special effort to avoid Alex Rodriguez during the team’s trip to Walt Disney World to celebrate its World Series victory. “I thought it was weird that whenever Alex would yell, ‘Mickey, over here,’ Mickey would just walk in the opposite direction,” said teammate Johnny Damon, adding that he would never have noticed Mickey’s many attempts to avoid the third baseman had Rodriguez not been following the cartoon character around with a little autograph book. “But then we had breakfast with the characters, and Mickey went around and hugged Derek [Jeter] and Mark [Teixeira], even our bullpen catcher. Then he just kind of peeled off when he got to A-Rod.” Rodriguez was later seen having an intense, one-sided conversation with Rescue Rangers Chip and Dale about being a famous athlete living in New York City. 
Report: Fiber Optics Not A Real Thing #~# BOSTON—Members of the world's engineering and telecommunications communities admitted Tuesday that fiber optics, the supposed technological application that ostensibly allows light to carry signals across optical cables, is not actually a real thing. "Yeah, we sort of made that one up," renowned physicist Willard Boyle said of the fictitious technology around which a $40 billion-a-year industry has been built. "It started as more of a joke, really. We thought the two words sounded cool together, so we just started throwing that term out there. Trust me, no one ever thought it would take off the way it did." Sources added that if fiber optics were, in fact, a real thing, it would probably be utilized in some way with Bluetooth technology, if that existed.
Monsters Inside Me #~# HEALTH
Fed Bans Debit Overdraft Fees #~# The Federal Reserve is prohibiting banks from collecting overdraft fees on purchases paid with a debit card unless customers opt in to programs that guarantee their balance-exceeding transactions go through. What do you think?
It's Me Or The Dog #~# ANIMAL
Kansas City Fails To Pick Up Option On Royals #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—In an expected move Wednesday, the City of Kansas City declined to pick up their 2010 option on the Royals baseball club, ending the team's 41-year tenure with the Missouri municipality. "It was time to move in another direction," Kansas City mayor Mark Funkhouser said at a press conference. "There were some vested incentives that would have automatically kicked in if the Royals had finished higher than last place, or won more than one championship in their existence. But we just couldn't afford to make another mistake like that 18-year extension back in 1991." The Royals have generated some mild interest from other cities, including Portland, OR and Copenhagen, though the Danish capital is said to be leaning heavily toward acquiring a public pool or parking lot.
Greyhound Now Offering Direct Service From Kansas To L.A. Porn Director's Driveway #~# DALLAS—In an effort to reduce travel times for thousands of customers every year, Greyhound Lines announced Monday that it will now offer regular bus service from anywhere in the state of Kansas directly to the driveway of a Los Angeles–area pornographic film director. "It's our job to get riders where they're going as conveniently as possible, and since 40 percent of our passengers traveling to Hollywood end up at an adult filmmaker's door anyway, we figured this was the logical next step," said Greyhound CEO David Leach, who confirmed that a postcard reading 'I'm doing fine! I got a job modeling!' will be automatically mailed to passengers' parents 36 hours after their arrival. "A standard one-way ticket covers the heartbreakingly hopeful ride out for $80, and for the $120 round-trip option, you can return home—broke and psychologically devastated—three and a half months later." Greyhound also unveiled special "Family Pack" tickets for frantic relatives wishing to travel to Hollywood in search of their missing loved ones.
ABC Cancels 'Hank' #~# After airing five episodes, ABC has canceled the Kelsey Grammer disgraced-CEO-returns-to-small-hometown sitcom Hank. What do you think? 
Nation's Fast Food Patrons No Longer Trusted To Dispense Own Ketchup #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to cut condiment expenses and address the gluttony, waste, and utter lack of self-restraint exhibited by Americans, officials from the fast food industry announced Monday a new policy prohibiting all customers from dispensing their own ketchup. 
Food vs. Man #~# Travel
Memphis Grizzlies Continue To Insist They Have 5 Players Better Than Allen Iverson #~# MEMPHIS, TN—Though Allen Iverson has taken an indefinite leave of absence and even threatened to retire because of his current bench role, the Grizzlies organization maintained its stance Wednesday that the 1-7 team has five better players than the four-time NBA scoring champion and 2001 league MVP. "We're really confident about the decision to put Mike Conley, Zach Randolph, Rudy Gay, O.J. Mayo, and Marc Gasol on floor instead of Iverson," general manager Chris Wallace said of his starters, who combined have appeared in 10 fewer NBA All-Star games than the former No. 1 draft pick. "And I can't forget about our sixth man, Marcus Williams. He's been coming off the bench and putting up 4.4 points a game. He wowed us when he scored seven the other night." Wallace added that Iverson, whose 27.0 points-per-game average is the sixth best of all-time, has only 13 years of professional basketball experience compared to the 15 years of the Grizzlies' entire starting lineup.
Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be #~# ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.
Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN #~# The outspoken CNN anchor announced Wednesday that he was resigning, effective immediately. What do you think? 
Saints Completely Satisfied With 8-0 Start #~# NEW ORLEANS—Sources within the Saints organization confirmed Wednesday that players, coaches, and executives alike are all "perfectly satisfied" and "completely okay" with the team's eight-win, no-loss performance thus far in the 2009 NFL season. "The Saints feel that Drew Brees' 106.1 quarterback rating, Reggie Bush's flashes of athletic brilliance, and Darren Sharper's seven interceptions are particularly satisfactory," team sources said. "Moreover, we are reasonably pleased with the prospect of facing the Rams and Buccaneers, both one-win teams, over the next couple weeks. It's nice." A spokesman for the Indianapolis Colts, the NFL's other undefeated team, said that quarterback Peyton Manning has been disappointed and discouraged by his team's perfect performance and was undergoing treatment for depression.
Man Raised By Wolves Worried He's Slowly Turning Into Father #~# INVERMERE, BC—Calling it a "real wake-up call," local claims adjuster Paul Koda'wahya told reporters Monday that he has finally reached the age where he finds himself acting more and more like the male North American gray wolf who raised him. "As a kid, you're embarrassed to see your dad constantly loping around and marking his territory with his distinctive-smelling urine, but then the next thing you know, you're peeing on low-lying bushes yourself," Koda'wahya said. "This morning I looked in the mirror and there was this bloody rabbit carcass hanging from my mouth. God, I'm such a cliché." Koda'wahya added that he needs to be careful as he gets older, because being relentlessly hunted to the point of extinction runs in his family.
Report: Yankees Trademarked 'Yankees Suck' Chant In 1996 #~# TAMPA, FL—New York Yankees team ownership revealed Tuesday that the phrase "Yankees suck," one of the most popular chants in sports, was trademarked by the 27-time World Series champions prior to the 1996 season, a business strategy that has earned the team close to $100 billion over the past 13 years.
American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter: 'Thanks A Lot, Asshole' #~# FORT HOOD, TX—Following Army psychologist Nidal Malik Hasan's shooting rampage on the Fort Hood military base last week that left 13 people dead and 30 others injured, fellow Muslims across the nation sent him a message today, saying "thanks a fucking bunch, asshole," to the 39-year-old killer. "Hey, great, eight years of progress right down the shitter," St. Cloud, MN resident Zahida Naseem said at one of dozens of impromptu rallies held nationwide. "And you just had to scream 'Allahu Akbar' while you did it, didn't you? May as well have put on a turban and rode a fucking camel right through the army base, you dick. Thanks for making the foreseeable future a living hell for normal, peace-loving Muslims in this country. Really appreciate it!" American Sikhs are also reportedly enraged with Hasan, and an official statement from the National Sikh Heritage Center read, in part, "look, we got nothing to do with that guy."
I'm So Blessed To Be Surrounded By People I Can Extort Money From #~# Everyone goes through a hard patch at some point. Even if you watch every penny, all it takes is an unexpected layoff or a sudden medical crisis, and before you know it, you've got bill collectors breathing down your neck. I'm very fortunate, though, because whenever I find myself in a jam, I have a strong support system I can turn to for help. Every day I'm thankful to be surrounded by a group of people who have grown close to me, revealed their most intimate secrets, and made it possible for me to extort large sums of money from them at will. 
H.R. 2651 Fans Storm Senate Floor After Passage Of Bill #~# WASHINGTON—Diehard fans of H.R. 2651 charged the floor of the Senate chamber Tuesday after their bill, a 14-vote underdog nicknamed the Maritime Workforce Development Act, passed 51-49 with just moments to go in the legislative session. "They said we'd never even make it out of House subcommittee, but this bill just had too much heart to quit," said longtime supporter Ed Wynarsky, who along with three friends spelled out "2651" with digits painted on their bare chests.† "I grew up following loans for maritime career education, and this has been a long time coming. We were due…. We were due." A champagne-soaked Sen. Ron Wyden (D-OR), whose last-second vote clinched the bill's passage, said the guys on the Commerce, Science, and Transportation Committee deserved much of the credit, but that the biggest thanks should go to God.
Obama Visiting Asia #~# President Barack Obama leaves for Japan Thursday, kicking off a nine-day diplomatic visit to Asia that will include four days in China. What do you think? 
U.S. Deports Lou Dobbs #~# WANTAGE, NJ—Acting on anonymous tips from within the Hispanic-American community, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials on Wednesday deported Luis Miguel Salvador Aguila Dominguez, who for the last 48 years had been living illegally in the United States under the name Lou Dobbs.
Ahmad Bradshaw Still Had Pretty Good Weekend Despite Loss To Chargers #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Though the the Chargers dealt the Giants a crushing fourth consecutive loss Sunday, running back Ahmad Bradshaw admitted in a postgame press conference that, overall, he still had a "pretty great" weekend. "Slept in on Saturday—that was nice—and then that night I made enchiladas with my girlfriend and they came out perfect," said Bradshaw, who failed to break into the secondary on any of his 14 carries during the game. "Game day was beautiful. I watched a couple episodes of It's Always Sunny [In Philadelphia] in bed, ate a big breakfast, and then I played a football game for money. So all in all, a pretty great weekend aside from letting down all those Giants fans." Bradshaw then briefly discussed his disappointing 39-yard performance but cut the press conference short to go explore New York City with a friend.
BREAKING: U.S. Deports Lou Dobbs #~# WANTAGE, NJ—Acting on anonymous tips from within the Hispanic-American community, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials on Wednesday deported Luis Miguel Salvador Aguila Dominguez, who has been living illegally in the United States under the name Lou Dobbs for 48 years.
Nicolas Cage Broke #~# Owing $6.3 million in back taxes and facing financial ruin, Nicolas Cage, star of such hit films as Ghost Rider, National Treasure, and Con Air, has sold his Bavarian castle and put several of his homes on the market. Where did Cage's money go?
Group Of Good-Looking People All Headed Toward Same Place #~# DOWNTOWN—A procession of strikingly attractive people, tastefully dressed for an evening out and sporting high-priced yet pleasantly understated fragrances, passed by you on their way uptown Saturday midway through your 45-minute wait for a bus. "Man, their cheekbones are like granite cliffs," you thought to yourself of the walking advertisements for health, breeding, and bespoke tailoring. "I wonder where they're all going? I bet it's fun. I probably couldn't get in even if I could afford it, though." One of the women, a statuesque blonde with exotic jade-green eyes wearing an impossibly elegant black cocktail dress, gave you a friendly smile and brief nod, the warmth and earnestness of which just made the whole thing that much worse. 
Pabst Up For Sale #~# The Pabst Brewing Co., owners of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Schlitz, is on the market for around $300 million. What do you think? 
Afghan Presidential Election A Celebration Of All Forms Of Government #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—With challenger Abdullah Abdullah dropping out of November's runoff election, Afghan president Hamid Karzai was effectively reelected to a second term last Monday, evidence, world observers said, that Afghanistan has become a shining beacon of democracy, theocracy, autocracy, and authoritarianism in an otherwise troubled region.
Excuse Me, But I'll Be Handling The Gentleman's Discourse For The Rest Of The Evening #~# Ah, pardon me, milady. May I have a word? I trust you're enjoying tonight's festivities? I should say I am. Nothing stirs the blood quite like an evening of dancing, conversing, and libations, wouldn't you say? My apologies for the confusion; while I'm aware that you have been speaking with the gentleman here, I should let you know that, as he has now imbibed a considerable proportion of my contents, the conversational duties will henceforth fall to yours truly.
Tim Duncan Makes Citizen's Foul Call #~# SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan took officiating into his own hands Saturday when he made a citizen's foul call on Kings guard Kevin Martin, calling the 6-foot-7-inch Martin for a reaching violation during the Spurs' 113-94 victory. "We didn't catch the illegal use of hands, but luckily Tim blew the whistle he usually wears during games," said official Joe DeRosa, who assisted Duncan in filling out the various exhaustive citizen's foul-call forms after the game. "Tim was very cooperative when identifying the offender and reporting the situation to the scorer's table. And I was impressed by his strong belief that the rules should apply to everyone, which he displayed when he called [teammate] Keith Bogans for blocking later in the game." When asked for comment, Duncan told reporters that it was his responsibility as a rule-abiding player not to sit idly by while there is "so much wrong being done on the basketball court every single day."
Increasingly Horrified Man Listens To Self Explain What He Does For A Living #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Dawning horror tinged with self-loathing crept slowly over the face of claims adjuster Robert Pettlebaum, 42, as he described his job and by extension his life to others during a seemingly innocuous Tuesday lunch meeting. "Mostly what I do is I seek out discrepancies in the property appraisal versus the claimant's estimate of worth and then I…then I defer outpays…with…oh, God…," Pettlebaum said as shadows of unspeakable self-realization flickered across his increasingly desperate eyes. "Wait, no, that can't be right. I don't…do I?" Pettlebaum's mounting terror was met with incomprehension and nervous laughter from his companions, who sources indicated have anywhere between three weeks and 27 years before realizing their own existences are as desolate and barren as his.
Cash For Clunkers Resulted In Trucks For Trucks #~# Analysis of federal data shows that a substantial number of the participants in the federal "Cash for Clunkers" program merely swapped an older truck for a newer one with slightly better gas mileage. What do you think?
Let's Make A Baby #~# ABC
Oversensitive Quarterback Reads Too Much Into Defense #~# OMAHA, NE—Nebraska State coaches said quarterback Joshua Adams was reading far too much into the positioning and schemes of the opposing defense Saturday, obsessing over what the secondary's coverage might imply about him as a player and a person and taking the play of the safeties in particular as a personal affront. "So are they showing signs of a blitz because they think I can't get rid of the ball fast enough, or because they think I can't handle pressure and scramble away from commitment at the first signs of trouble?" Adams was overheard asking his coaches. "Look, I know the tendencies of this defense, and the corners wouldn't be playing so far off if they thought I had any backbone. They obviously don't believe I have the inner strength to go deep. And you know what? Maybe they're right." According to the coaching staff, Adams is still overthinking their decision to bench him.
Poll: 100% Of Grandsons Talented #~# ATLANTA—A Zogby poll of 1,542 American grandparents published Monday found that grandsons were described as "very" to "extremely" talented by 1,542 of the respondents. "Participants in the poll were emphatic in their descriptions of the talents of grandsons in fields as diverse as advertising and sales, choral performance, baseball, talking, crawling, making their beds, video games, and instructing their elders on proper cell-phone use," pollster Tom Waterton said. "In addition, an overwhelming percentage of grandchildren were described as outgoing, sharp, and looking just like Uncle Andy, you remember Uncle Andy, he was always up to something, too bad he passed so young, he would have loved the grandchild in question." Sources at Zogby admitted that the survey was incomplete, as several hundred pollsters are still unable to get their assigned grandparents off the phone.
Berlin Wall Came Down 20 Years Ago #~# On Nov 9, 1989, the East German government announced that it would allow free travel between East and West Germany, an act that eventually led to the reunification of Germany. What do you think? 
Alternate-Universe Sci-Fi Channel Show Asks What Would Happen If Germany Lost War #~# NEW MUNICH—The new Sci-Fi Channel series Fallen Axis, which eerily depicts a world in which Germany actually lost the Second World War, premiered Tuesday evening to high ratings in an alternate universe to our own.
Elder Whisperer #~# CBS
Shaq, Cavaliers Start To Bond After Rollerblading Around Cleveland #~# CLEVELAND—After strapping on inline skates for the first time ever Monday, Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal and his new teammates bonded while Rollerblading through the streets of Cleveland. "We definitely had some bad spills, and we got lost in the warehouse district, but I think it all brought us closer together," said O'Neal, adding that the team was "laughing like crazy" the entire time. "Oh my God, it was so hilarious when we hit this one rough steep patch in the Cleveland Metropolitan Park and we had to scoot down a hill on our butts. Then we got ice cream." O'Neal later said he was impressed by the way the Cavaliers worked together to pull a soaking wet Zydrunas Ilgauskas from the Cuyahoga River.
College Freshman Makes Triumphant Return To High School #~# COCONUT CREEK, FL—Less than five months after graduating from Bayshore High School, 18-year-old Henry Doyle returned to his lowly alma mater Monday a wise and conquering college freshman.
95-Year-Old Yankees Fan Afraid He'll Never Get To See Team Win 27 More World Series #~# NEW YORK–Michael Grippo, a 95-year-old Bronx native, told reporters Wednesday that he is "worried sick" that he won't live to see the Yankees win another 27 World Series titles. "We came so close in 1955, 1960, 1976, 2001, and 2004. If we had won just one of those, that would have been 27 right there," said Grippo, adding that while he was in attendance for Tommy Henrich's walk-off homer in 1949, Don Larson's perfect game in 1956, and Mickey Mantle's game-ending home run in 1964, none of it will matter if the Yankees don't win at least another 27 World Series championships. "I'll say this, if we could take home 27 championships just one more time, my soul will rest easy." Grippo said that, if nothing else, he hoped his six children and 21 grandchildren would get to see the Yankees win just 1,396 more World Series in their lifetimes.
Just Area Man's Luck #~# KENOSHA, WI—Amid questions as to why this kind of shit always happens to him, area resident Patrick Kennedy told reporters Monday it was just his goddamn luck. Although the 32-year-old HR representative was caught off-guard by the recent events, which were just the icing on the cake, he acknowledged to friends that such occurrences are par for the course in his miserable life. "Of course. Of fucking course," the Kenosha native said. "Every goddamn time." Kennedy, who reportedly still cannot fucking believe it, admitted later he thought that once, maybe just once, things would be different. 
Ohio Legalized Casinos #~# Voters in Ohio approved a plan to open casinos in the state's four largest cities. What do you think? 
Entire Office Unsure What To Do About Bawling Coworker #~# FINDLAY, OH—The entire office staff of Altman & Hanson Accounting remained utterly baffled as to what, if anything, should be done in response to the prominent sobbing coming from the cubicle of 36-year-old clerk Jack Underwood, sources reported today.
Hannah Montana #~# DISNEY
Brett Favre Avenges Storied 16-Year Career With Packers #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Brett Favre beat the Green Bay Packers on Sunday for the second time this season, his decisive 38-26 victory exacting some small measure of revenge for the adulation and hero worship heaped upon him by the city of Green Bay and the entire state of Wisconsin for the better part of two decades. "It feels good to finally get retribution from the team that gave me my first chance to start, believed in me despite the pitfalls of my early career, and ensured I will be a first-ballot Hall of Famer," Favre said at a postgame press conference. "And to do it in front of those fans, who unconditionally loved me through thick and thin while I struggled with a Vicodin addiction and disastrous interceptions, just made it that much sweeter. Sixteen long years of devotion, and they're finally getting what they deserve." Favre mentioned that when he does retire, he is looking forward to "really sticking it" to the wife and daughters whose loving presence has been the one constant during his playing career. 
Ask The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex Restaurant #~# Dear The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex Restaurant, 
1999 Collaboration Between Carlos Santana, Rob Thomas Somehow Standing Test Of Time #~# LOS ANGELES—Sources reported Monday that "Smooth," the 1999 collaborative effort of guitarist Carlos Santana and singer-songwriter Rob Thomas, has somehow persevered against all odds and continued to receive regular radio airplay this week. "While the projections of most experts suggested 'Smooth' would fade from the national consciousness within its first year, the song has actually proved surprisingly resilient over time," noted musicologist Sidney Brown said of the No. 1 single's inexplicable staying power. "Though it seems not to have any musical or cultural relevance whatsoever, many people, myself included, find themselves humming the track's guitar lick at least once every other week." At press time, the triple-platinum, Latin-tinged rock record was heard emanating from an estimated 780,022 open car windows and 2,300 department store sound systems.
Early-Season NBA Power Rankings #~# With the NBA season underway, scouts have made their first team rankings. Exhaustive capsule evaluations follow.
AT&T Claims Verizon Lied About Coverage #~# Telecommunications giant AT&T; is suing Verizon Wireless for ads Verizon ran suggesting AT&T; had gaps in its network. What do you think?
New York Marathon Winner Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Horse #~# NEW YORK—Officials from New York Road Runners stripped American Meb Keflezighi of his 2009 ING New York City Marathon victory Wednesday after a blood sample taken from his fetlock was found to contain high levels of performance-enhancing horse.
The Pizza Hut Legal Drama #~# CBS
Defense Bill Features Less Waste #~# The defense spending bill that President Obama signed last week eliminated several programs deemed wasteful, including a presidential helicopter fleet replacement program that was six years behind schedule and more than $5 billion over budget. Here are some of the other programs that were cut:
Barack Obama Names Alan Moore Official White House Biographer #~# WASHINGTON—At a press conference Monday, President Obama announced that he had appointed legendary comic book writer Alan Moore as the official biographer of his time in the White House. "As evidenced by his epic run on Swamp Thing #21–64, Moore's deft hand with both sociopolitical commentary and metaphysical violence makes him an ideal choice to chronicle my time in office," Obama said of the author of Watchmen and From Hell, whom he reportedly chose over others on a short list of potential biographers that included Warren Ellis, Grant Morrison, and Bob Woodward. "I look forward to seeing the kinds of subplots he will surely weave throughout the main narrative of my presidency, and how he'll tie them all back together at the end in a way that just elevates the thing to a whole other level. God, that guy is the master." Although Obama has not yet settled on a publisher for his White House biography, he is reportedly leaning toward DC's Vertigo imprint for its creator-friendly ethos, high production values, and willingness to publish content for mature readers.
First Female Tower Of London Guard Bullied #~# The bullying of Moira Cameron, the first female "Beefeater" guard in the Tower of London's history, has resulted in the suspension of two Beefeaters and the investigation of a third. What do you think?
Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly #~# WASHINGTON—In recognition of mankind's inherent propensity for tragically foolish decisions, Congress allocated nearly $500 billion Monday for the construction of a new national monument honoring human folly. 
If I'm So Crazy, Then Why Do People Keep Having Sex With Me? #~# You know, I'm getting really sick of this. I am a perfectly normal, fully functioning adult, and yet it seems like every other day someone tells me that I need to get professional psychiatric help and probably be put on some sort of medication. Well, if I'm so batty, then answer me this: Why do so many men have sex with me every week? 
SEC Replay Official Overturns 'Roe v. Wade' #~# TUSCALOOSA, AL—A Southeastern Conference replay official conducting a video review of a sideline catch during the Alabama-Tennessee game Saturday overturned Roe v. Wade, the 1973 U.S. Supreme Court ruling granting women the right to abortions. "Well, I certainly don't know what the refs were looking at down on the field to make that call," CBS analyst Gary Danielson said moments after the controversial ruling came in. "A woman's right to choose her reproductive future is clearly covered by the constitutional right to privacy, and that guy certainly didn't have control of the ball when he went out of bounds." Confirming the conference stood by the decision, an SEC spokesperson also said that officials would be disciplined for last week's Florida–Mississippi State game, in which a "grave error" was made when a replay call upheld both a Florida touchdown in which the ballcarrier had clearly fumbled before crossing the goal line and Brown v. Board of Education.
Cherokee Nation Makes Headlines As Fraction Of Actress's Bloodline #~# CHICAGO—The proud and ancient Cherokee Nation was thrust into the spotlight during a taping of The Oprah Winfrey Show this week, taking center stage as one-eighth of actress Cameron Diaz's ancestry. "How exotic," Ms. Winfrey commented on the What Happens In Vegas costar's heritage, briefly calling attention to the Cherokee people and their millennia of vibrant culture and tradition. "Tell us what it's like working with Mike Myers." The instance marked the highest-profile mention of the tribe since 1838, when thousands of Cherokee men, women, and children were forcibly rounded up and marched 1,000 miles to what is now known as Oklahoma.
Karzai Rival Pulls Out Of Race #~# Afghan presidential contender Abdullah Abdullah withdrew his candidacy six days before a scheduled runoff election, calling into question the legitimacy of Hamid Karzai's government. What do you think? 
Trainwreck Academy #~# VH1
Mark McGwire To Teach Cardinal Hitters At What Point In Swing To Evade Congressional Questioning #~# ST. LOUIS—After being named hitting coach by Cardinals manager Tony La Russa, Mark McGwire told reporters Monday that he is eager to get back in the batting cage and work with the team's hitters on the fundamentals of avoiding direct questioning from Congress during committee hearings on steroid abuse. "When you get down to it, it's just hands back, quick to the ball, and then right when you are about to shift your weight, have a working knowledge of the Fifth Amendment so as not to incriminate yourself in front of a panel of elected officials," said McGwire, who in the past has informally helped Cardinals Skip Schumaker and Chris Duncan with swing tips, including one in which you choke up a quarter inch to make certain you cloud the truth. "I'm not going to impose my style of squirming and smoke-screening on their batting stances, though. Every individual player needs to figure out how best to keep his left shoulder behind the ball in order to eventually make his deflected answers that much more precise." When asked about his history with performance-enhancing drugs, McGwire patiently kept his hands back and delivered a short, powerful swing to the reporter's face.
Rude Guy Unfortunately Says Something Funny #~# LOWELL, MA—Coworkers having a drink Friday at the Blue Shamrock Pub reported feeling disgusted with themselves for laughing—and in some cases even cracking up—at a remark made by an obnoxious member of the group whose behavior up to that point had been worthy of scorn and dismay. "Why did that jerk have to go and say something so goddamn hilarious?" said a crestfallen Dennis Gladstone, who shook his head as he acknowledged that the comment had caused him to chuckle audibly, thereby validating the total prick. "Now that we've all laughed it up with that asshole, he'll probably want to come out drinking with us all the time." According to reporters, Gladstone then paused, giggled to himself, and said, "Fuck me!"
Bill May Have Cost Hillary VP Slot #~# In the new issue of Time magazine by former Obama campaign aide David Ploufe indicates that Hillary Clinton was a serious contender for the VP slot in 2008, but that her ex-president husband ultimately brought with him too many complications. What do you think? 
United Airlines Exploring Viability Of Stacking Them Like Cordwood #~# CHICAGO—In its ongoing effort to cut transportation costs and boost profits, United Airlines announced Tuesday that it was exploring the feasibility of herding them into planes and stacking them like cordwood from floor to ceiling.
Elvira's Halloween Spooktacular #~# AMC
Average American Consumes 34 Gigabytes Daily #~# A study from the University of California, San Diego, reports that each day the average American takes in 34 gigabytes of data. What do you think? 
Antipsychotics Can Make Kids Fat #~# A study published in The Journal Of The American Medical Association found that children who take medication for severe psychiatric problems often experience weight gain. What do you think?
Evolution Going Great, Reports Trilobite #~# Slowly inching his segmented exoskeleton across the sea floor, a local marine arthropod, class Trilobita, reported that Earth's natural evolution was "progressing quite nicely."
African-Americans Go From Being No Good At Sports To Being Only Good At Sports #~# The late 1940s and '50s saw a role reversal unprecedented in the history of sport, as African-Americans—once thought incapable of physically competing against whites—began dominating playing fields to such an extent that their athletic skills soon came to be seen as their only contribution to society.
Early Humans Finally Drunk Enough To Invent Dancing #~# Prominent ethnochoreologists now believe that roughly 20,000 years ago, early humans finally consumed an amount of fermented fruits and vegetables staggering enough to develop the impulsive series of rhythmic movements known today as dancing. "While human beings had experimented with rudimentary forms of shimmying and gyration as early as the Neanderthal period, it was not until they were able to reach critical levels of utter inebriation that early cultures finally began to let their hair down and really cut loose," said Yu Wei Lin of the Beijing Institute of Dance Studies. "In fact, we now believe that alcohol-fueled revelry paralleled and probably influenced the practice of the ill-advised hookup, the rambling apology for the previous night's behavior, and poetry." Lin also said that exciting new evidence indicates that a prehistoric "Electric Slide" was practiced in Tibet millennia before the invention of electricity.
Henry Ford Modernizes Production #~# The Ford Motor Company is revolutionizing production of the automobile with the introduction of the assembly line. What do you think? 
Woman Domesticated #~# Once burdened with physically demanding chores, exhausting farm work, and other unpleasant duties, man's quality of life dramatically improved after his successful domestication of the common woman. 
Duane Takes Off Owing Roommates 1,300 Bucks #~# In what scholars generally consider to be one of the biggest dick moves in recorded history, 28-year-old convenience store cashier Duane Hoyt hastily departed Olympia, WA in the summer of 1987 still owing roommates Luke Dalrymple and Kyle Strickland almost 1,300 bucks in back rent and utilities.
Obsessive Freak Abner Doubleday Forces Locals To Play Nonsensical Game #~# COOPERSTOWN, NY—In a series of baffling events during the summer of 1839, obsessive freak Abner Doubleday reportedly coerced locals into participating in a preposterous game that featured nonsensical elements such as "plates," "mounds," "bases," "balls," "bats," "gloves," "fair and foul territories," and the scoring of "runs" instead of points.
Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World #~# Members of the earth's earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.
Dinosaurs Sadly Extinct Before Invention Of Bazooka #~# More than 65 million years ago, a cataclysmic event drove a majority of the Earth's species into extinction, and tragically, wiped out the last of the dinosaurs long before bazookas could be invented and used on them.
Pilgrims Depart For America To Escape Horrible Oppression Of Soccer #~# On Sept. 16, 1620, a group of Puritan Separatists took to the sea in hopes of escaping persecution from soccer and its ardent followers, specifically those who would not allow the Pilgrims to live a life in which they could openly reject traditional soccer practices.
New 'War' Enables Mankind To Resolve Disagreements #~# With the groundbreaking development of "war" more than 7,000 years ago, mankind acquired a new tool that for the first time ever made it possible to definitively resolve conflicts of any kind. 
Magna Carta Issued #~# The Magna Carta, which limits the powers of the king and binds him to the rule of law, was issued on June 15, 1215. What do you think?
Rat-Shit-Covered Physicians Baffled By Spread Of Black Plague #~# According to recently discovered journals, the 14th century's rat-feces-smeared men of science were at a total loss to explain how the Black Death was able to spread so quickly across Europe.
The Ones We Lost #~# Some of the world's most beloved people have died over the past 4.5 billion years. Here are a few:
Roman Populace Constantly Argues Whether Chariot-Racing Is Actually A Sport #~# While the practice of racing chariots on circular or oval tracks enjoyed extreme popularity in the Roman Empire, particularly in the rural Southern provinces, historians claim its legitimacy as an athletic event was often a topic of heated debate among contemporary sports enthusiasts.
Forgotten Sports #~# For every international sporting league, a dozen or more once-popular sports have fallen by the wayside. Here are some of the more notable forgotten games:
Neanderthal Man Flocking To Caves #~# All over Western Europe and Central Asia, Neanderthal man is inhabiting caves in record numbers. What do you think? 
Industrial Revolution Provides Millions Of Out-Of-Work Children With Jobs #~# After centuries of chronic unemployment, millions of small children across the United Kingdom saw their lives drastically improve when the Industrial Revolution at long last provided them with steady factory work regardless of age, size, or experience. 
Fire, Setting Everything In Sight On Fire Discovered #~# In what was perhaps the most meaningful discovery ever made, early man exited the safety and shelter of his prehistoric cave, struck two stones together, and for the first time in history created fire. 
Deaths Of 550,000 Confirm Which Mushrooms Are Okay To Eat #~# Following the lethal poisoning of more than a half million people over the course of several millennia, cultures across the globe finally learned how to identify which mushrooms could be safely consumed. 
Four Or Five Guys Pretty Much Carry Whole Renaissance #~# Following 1,000 years of cultural decline and societal collapse known as the Dark Ages, the 15th century brought forth the Renaissance, an unprecedented resurgence in learning and the arts, which four or five guys pretty much just strapped onto their backs and carried the whole way. 
Either Ming Or Yuan Dynasty Seizes Control Of Mainland China #~# In one of the most important events in all of Asian history, either the Ming dynasty or the Yuan dynasty seized control of mainland China during the eighth, 12th, or maybe even the third century. "The rise of one of these two dynasties, at the turn of whatever time it was, ushered in a bold new age of either unity, feudal infighting, or perhaps both," said historian Robert Grossman, who has devoted his career to parsing out China's incredibly rich and convoluted history. "Not since the days of the Shang dynasty—unless I happen to be thinking of the Qin dynasty—had China undergone such radical change." According to Grossman, either the Ming or the Yuan dynasty is a perfect example of why the other failed to work.
Sports Becomes Increasingly Boring As Death No Longer Punishment For Losing #~# According to prominent sports historians, the modern-day practice of allowing a losing team or athlete to live has significantly lessened the intensity of sports as a whole in the centuries since the execution of defeated competitors has fallen out of vogue. 
Thomas Edison Invents Marketing Other People's Ideas #~# Famed inventor Thomas Edison changed the face of modern life in 1879 when he devised the groundbreaking new process of taking ideas pioneered by other scientists and marketing them as his own. "Where would we all be today had the 'Wizard of Menlo Park' not discovered the basic formula for copying and repackaging the breakthroughs of others?" biographer Paul Israel said of the man who created the first marketable light bulb by borrowing freely from the patented work of inventors such as Joseph Wilson Swan and Henry Woodward. "Many tried before him, but only Edison had the vision, cunning, and sheer audacity to pull it off. Whenever anyone today piggybacks on the tireless ingenuity of another in a wanton act of self-promotion, they have Edison to thank."
Browns Caught Trying To Sneak Girl Into Huddle #~# CLEVELAND—During the fourth quarter of their game last Sunday, the Cleveland Browns offense was caught attempting to sneak a 23-year-old female fan into their huddle. According to head referee Ed Hochuli, officials were informed of the hoax when the opposing defense pointed out the ill-fitting uniform of supposed backup guard Floyd Womack, as well as the flowing blond hair emerging from the back of "Womack's" helmet. "It sucks we couldn't pull it off, because it would have been awesome," Browns quarterback Brady Quinn said. "The plan was working so perfectly. As usual, we were losing really bad in the fourth quarter, so we figured that once the cameras cut away to a more interesting game we would have a chance to rush Julie onto the field. Unfortunately, the defense sniffed out what we were doing and ruined it." Browns coach Eric Mangini later said the young woman was the most aggressive and talented person in the team's huddle.
Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke #~# DAYTON, OH—Every single person, historical figure, and anthropomorphic talking object inhabitting Brian Jensen's dream Friday night was suddenly struck by the unusually strong smell of smoke, subconscious sources reported. 
Royals GM Didn't Know He Was Allowed To Make Moves During Offseason #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—During a Monday conference call with the media, Royals GM Dayton Moore confessed he had "no idea" he was permitted to make player transactions between baseball seasons. "I guess that makes sense. I was always a little surprised when teams came back the next spring with different players," said Moore, adding that he just assumed most teams made the last of their personnel decisions during Game 7 of the World Series. "I've already contacted the agents for Hideki Matsui and John Lackey to try and convince them to play here for free, and I'm working on a trade for Jason Varitek. He's got something to prove." Moore said the revelation that he would be working through the winter gave him all the more reason to look forward to his annual October vacation.
Nick's All-Star Scrooge Deluge #~# NICK
Holiday Music Aficionado Urges Friends To Check Out 'Frosty The Snowman' #~# SAN DIEGO—Calling it one of the "true overlooked gems" in the American Christmas-song canon, holiday music aficionado Steve Robinson strongly recommended this week that his friends "do themselves a favor" and listen to "Frosty The Snowman." "Oh man, 'Frosty' is unreal, you got to check it out," said Robinson, adding that the song's innovative fusion of jazz and lullaby conventions was "peerless" and "way ahead of its time." "Great concept, tight arrangement, and the lyrics are just incredible. Love that line about the 'two eyes made out of coal.' Classic." Robinson also maintained that, with its unorthodox repetitive structure, dramatic build, and "mind-blowing" imagery, "The 12 Days Of Christmas" is about as good as it gets.
College Football Highlights 2009 #~# As the national championship game approaches, we take a moment to reflect on the standout moments of the 2009 NCAA football season.
Ohio Uses New Execution Method #~# The execution of Ohio murderer Kenneth Biros made use of an untested one-drug technique that is purportedly an improvement over the three-drug "cocktail" used in most lethal injections. What do you think? 
New Harlem Globetrotter Rudy 'Rude Dude' Williams Not Working Out #~# HARLEM, NY—Globetrotters coaches announced Monday that, due to his shockingly inappropriate on-court behavior—including taking trick shots designed to injure opponents, performing his signature Globetrotter move of spinning two basketballs on his middle fingers, and throwing elbows after getting rebounds—Rudy "Rude Dude" Williams has been suspended for the team's next three games.
What Kind Of Sick Fuck Would Put A Hook In A Juicy Squid Where A Fish Could Easily Eat It? #~# I've been swimming for quite some time now, and I gotta tell you, I've seen a lot of shit in my day. I've seen orcas eat defenseless cod, jellyfish prey on plankton, and powerless krill get devoured by whales 20,000 times their size. Sometimes it seems like an unfair world, but in the end, it makes sense. There's a natural order to things. There's balance. So you can imagine how shocked and disturbed I was last week when I bit into what I thought was a nice, succulent squid only to have half my mouth ripped off by a giant fucking metal hook. 
New Bug Spray Forces Insects To See People As Human Beings With Feelings #~# MIDLAND, MI—The Dow Chemical Company has developed a new bug deterrent that, unlike harsh deet-based repellents, forces insects to realize that people are fully realized individuals with feelings, hopes, and dreams, and not just a food source. "Sympathex is the culmination of a decade of research into psychoactive arthropod chemistry," Dow spokesman Darrick Unger said. "With a quick topical application, any nearby bug will begin to comprehend just how unpleasant it feels to have a small pest buzzing around in your ears and biting you all day long. After that epiphany, they'll never try to suck your blood ever again." While agreeing that inducing empathy in insects is a laudable goal, bioethicists argue that, at $49.99 per spray, Sympathex is too expensive for developing countries where malaria kills millions each year. 
Weezer Cancels Concerts #~# Following a bus accident in which lead singer Rivers Cuomo cracked three ribs, the band Weezer has canceled its December tour dates. What do you think? 
Alphabet Updated With 15 Exciting New Replacement Letters #~# NEW YORK—Dynamic, sleek, and even sexy is how a panel of typographic and marketing experts described the 15 new replacement letters they unveiled Monday in an effort to reinvigorate interest in the faltering English alphabet. 
Home For The High Holidays #~# JTN
NFL To Fine Players For Getting Concussions #~# NEW YORK—NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced a stricter league concussion policy at a press conference Sunday, finalizing a provision that would automatically charge a fine of $10,000 to any player who suffers a concussion. "Concussions have become a serious problem in the lives of current and former NFL players, and the only way to nip this thing in the bud is to make the players accountable," Goodell said. "Ten thousand dollars for the first concussion, $30,000 for the second, and $70,000 for the third. Hopefully these fines will make our players think twice before they have their brains jostled against the insides of their skulls." Goodell later added that the league is also considering harsher punishments for more serious injury-related behavior, saying that players who sever their spinal cords would face indefinite suspension and, in most cases, be stripped of their pensions.
Revisiting White House Security Protocols #~# After an embarrassing incident in which a husband and wife crashed the White House state dinner for Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh, the Secret Service is reviewing security procedures for future events. Here are some past breaches that have also increased concern:
Last Minute Of Man's Sexual Prime Expires During Routine Visit To Dry Cleaner #~# WICHITA, KS—At 8:42 p.m. Thursday, Wichita resident Cody Dixon, 29, reportedly spent the final seconds of his peak period of virility dropping off two dress shirts at Lambert's Dry Cleaners. "Can I get these by Thursday?" asked Dixon as the testosterone coursing through his veins reached a zenith he will never again know and his libido began its slow, lifelong decline. "Heavy starch would be good. Otherwise those collars won't stand up." Though Dixon did not appear† to notice the wane of his sexual prime, he was momentarily aware of his entry into the peak back-hair-growing phase of his life.
'The Blind Side' An Unexpected Hit #~# The Blind Side, a drama in which Sandra Bullock takes in and tutors a future all-American offensive tackle, has smashed box office expectations to become a blockbuster hit. What do you think? 
U.S. Finally Gets Around To Prosecuting Mastermind Behind 9/11 #~# WASHINGTON—The Justice Department announced Monday that it had finally found enough time in its busy schedule to squeeze in the prosecution of alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, more than six years after the high-profile suspect was captured and eight years after the worst-ever terrorist attack on U.S. soil.
Let Us Identify The Faggots And Then Inform Them Of Their Status #~# I'm certain I'm not telling you anything you don't already know when I say that the world is full of faggots. Be they wimps, pussies, or dorks, there are myriad faggots among us, though it may not be immediately obvious who they are and, in many cases, the faggots themselves—with their stupid hair and scrawny frames—may not even realize that they are such. 
Ravens Coach Shows Movie About Michael Oher To Inspire Michael Oher #~# BALTIMORE—In an attempt to energize starting tackle Michael Oher for last Sunday's game against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ravens head coach John Harbaugh screened a copy of the inspirational sports movie The Blind Side, a film about the life of Ravens tackle Michael Oher. "If this big dumb guy in the movie can do it, then you can do it, too," Harbaugh said to rookie lineman Michael Oher while point to an on-screen image of rookie lineman Michael Oher. "This man didn't choose his lot in life. But his problems were at least as big as yours, and he put in the hard work and dedication it took to get picked in the first round of the 2009 NFL Draft by the Baltimore Ravens. Doesn't that inspire you?" When asked about being forced to watch the story of his own life, Oher said he didn't remember his formative years being so emotionally overwrought and rife with clichés.
Uninformed Buffoon Barely Comprehends Conversation About Taylor Swift #~# PHILADELPHIA—According to sources, local dullard Peter Merriam, 34, struggled pitifully Saturday evening to keep up with a simple conversation regarding popular international singing sensation Taylor Swift. “I was aghast at his ignorance of even the most basic works of her oeuvre,” said partygoer Amy Singer, who remarked that the incurious Merriam “didn’t know or appear to care” about Swift’s childhood in small-town Pennsylvania or that she’s the youngest person ever to win Entertainer of the Year at the CMAs. “He flailed around like some kind of caveman for something to say about the Kanye West incident, and then tried to steer the conversation toward the health care debate. I would have pitied the man were he not so unapologetically obtuse.” Sources reported that the unlearned Merriam almost redeemed his intellectual credentials by knowing the name of one of the contestants on Top Chef.
New Cell Phone Device Processes Credit Cards #~# Twitter cofounder Jack Dorsey has introduced the Square, a device that plugs into an iPhone or iPod Touch's headphone jack and allows the user to swipe credit cards. What do you think? 
A Cafferty File Christmas #~# CNN
Sports Illustrated Sportsman Of The Year Award Important, Sports Illustrated Reports #~# NEW YORK—The Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year Award is a crowning life achievement for the player whom it honors, and the award's announcement is a landmark event highly anticipated by aficionados across the world of competitive athletics, Sports Illustrated magazine announced Monday. "The SI Sportsman of the Year award is a chance for one singular performer to transcend the limitations of his sport, his league, and yes, sports itself, and be placed in the pantheon of cultural luminaries by that finest of institutions: Sports Illustrated magazine," an editorial in Monday's Sportsman of the Year issue of Sports Illustrated read in part. "Simply put, you are not a sports enthusiast if you do not agree." Derek Jeter, the 2009 honoree, said he had not yet read the article, although he was looking forward to the annual swimsuit issue.
Biden Winks After Offering To Buy Eggnog For White House Christmas Party #~# WASHINGTON—During an unexpected visit Thursday to an organizational meeting for this year's White House Christmas party, Vice President Joe Biden winked mischievously as he offered to "handle" the eggnog supply for the upcoming annual event. "Uncle Joe's got the nog under control," said Biden, briefly flashing a metal flask protruding from the inside pocket of his suit jacket. "Old family recipe." Biden's appearance among White House event planners was his first since last May, when he offered to procure "some real fireworks" for the upcoming Fourth of July festivities.
George Stephanopoulos Offered 'Good Morning America' Job #~# Former adviser to President Clinton and television host George Stephanopoulos has been offered a job as co-anchor of Good Morning America. What do you think?
New Study Reveals Most Children Unrepentant Sociopaths #~# MINNEAPOLIS—A study published Monday in The Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry has concluded that an estimated 98 percent of children under the age of 10 are remorseless sociopaths with little regard for anything other than their own egocentric interests and pleasures.
I Didn't Know I Wasn't Pregnant #~# TLC
Christ Turns Down 3-Year, Multimillion Dollar Deal To Coach Notre Dame #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Savior of All Mankind, and current defensive coordinator at Middle Tennessee State, said Monday that He would not accept Notre Dame's 3-year, $5.6 million offer to coach the Fighting Irish. "I love Notre Dame and respect their football legacy, but no matter what you've accomplished before coaching there, once you're a Golden Domer, the expectations, frankly, are unrealistic," said Christ, whose family has been involved with the university since its founding. "I've had people turn on Me before, and it really put Me through hell. But even more importantly, I've made a commitment to stay with the Blue Raiders through 2015." Christ denied asking Notre Dame to remove His likeness from the building overlooking their stadium, saying He liked a good joke as much as anybody.
Labor Dept: Available Labor Rate Increases To 10.2% #~# WASHINGTON—In what is being touted by the Labor Department as extremely positive news, the nation's available labor rate has reached double digits for the first time in 26 years, bringing the total number of potentially employable Americans to an impressive 15.7 million. 
36-10 Game Analyzed #~# BRISTOL, CT—Despite the clear dominance the Vikings displayed in their definitive 36-10 week 12 victory over the Bears, ESPN analysts compared the teams' offensive and defensive performances, and scrutinized slow-motion highlights of the game for nearly five minutes during Monday's broadcast of NFL Live. "Overall, Brett Favre seems to be working out much better at quarterback in Minnesota than Jay Cutler is in Chicago," said analyst John Clayton, who used a graphical comparison of Brett Favre's 32 completions and Cutler's 18 to hammer home what was blatantly obvious from the score. "Now, let's take a look at this fourth-quarter touchdown here. With the Vikings up 30-10, look how Adrian Peterson follows his blockers and exploits the hole. Let's watch that one more time." The blowout was also discussed in depth on Monday Night Countdown and SportsCenter and, for reasons that remain unclear, was the subject of at least 12 minutes of discussion on Mike And Mike In The Morning. 
Meredith Baxter Comes Out #~# Former Family Ties actress Meredith Baxter came out as a lesbian on The Today Show. What do you think?
Charlie Weis' Most Notable Notre Dame Moments #~# Charlie Weis has been fired as head coach of the Fighting Irish after five mostly troubled seasons. We look back on his tumultuous Notre Dame career. 
Investigators Still Piecing Together Weird-Ass Clues In Fucked-Up Tiger Woods Crash #~# WINDERMERE, FL—A spokesman for the Windermere Police Department told reporters Thursday that investigators have gathered enough weird-ass evidence to officially classify Tiger Woods' recent car accident as pretty fucking strange.
Promise Me You'll Never Tell Anybody This Unless You Get Uncomfortable And Need Something To Talk About #~# I really need you to keep this a secret, okay? You cannot tell another living soul. Really, this is extremely personal, so before we go any further, I need your solemn oath. I need you to swear to me right now that you won't repeat any of this to anyone unless you're stuck in an awkward conversation and you've exhausted every other possible topic.
Senator Chuck Grassley Hurting GOP's Chances With Women At Bars #~# WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, the recent actions of Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) have severely, and perhaps irrevocably, damaged the ability of his fellow Republican congressmen to pick up women at the various bars and nightclubs they frequent in the D.C. area. “Historically, Republicans have faced little opposition from willing and easily impressed single females, but Sen. Grassley’s untoward behavior poses a significant threat to the status quo,” Republican strategist Stanley Schilling said. “Whether because of his inappropriate remarks on the [dance] floor, or his stubborn unwillingness to take no for an answer, Sen. Grassley, frankly, has few real allies in either party at this point.” GOP sources also reported that they were organizing a bipartisan effort to place caps on the number of times Grassley would be allowed to ask women what time they had to be “back in heaven.”
New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable #~# SEATTLE—With the holiday shopping season officially under way, millions of consumers proceeded to their nearest commercial centers this week in hopes of acquiring the latest, and therefore most desirable, personal device.
Humans Biologically Disposed To Help #~# In his new book Why We Cooperate, Dr. Michael Tomasello writes that 18-month-old infants will attempt to help when they see an unrelated adult whose hands are full trying to open a door or pick up a clothespin. What do you think? 
Karzai Vows To Crack Down On Self #~# KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—In his first major policy speech since being sworn in for a second term, Afghan president Hamid Karzai made a solemn pledge Wednesday to combat the rampant corruption of Afghan president Hamid Karzai. "Let me be clear: I will not rest until I bring an end to my graft and backroom deal-making," said Karzai, later adding that he will personally head up an investigation into allegations that he authorized massive voter fraud in order to secure his own victory in August's presidential election. "The blind eye that I continue to turn to drug trafficking, embezzlement, and human rights violations will no longer be tolerated, and I will do everything in my power to finally bring myself to justice." Karzai also announced the appointment of several relatives to a new commission that will tackle the problem of nepotism within his administration.
Cougarton #~# NBC
'Sesame Street' Turns 40 #~# The public broadcasting mainstay Sesame Street celebrated its 40th anniversary last month. Here are some highlights from the educational program’s four decades on TV:
Shared Memory Of Children's Television Show Leads To Sex #~# PHILADELPHIA—A shared memory of the Nickelodeon series You Can't Do That On Television resulted in the act of sexual intercourse between two 26-year-olds Friday, sources reported. "Somehow the show came up, and she remembered how the trigger for getting slimed was saying 'I don't know,'" said paralegal Mike Siddeitch, whose faint recollection of a sketch involving a South American military officer, a firing squad, and a child tied to a post was warmly received by medical student Emily Bryant and was directly responsible for the three hours of casual lovemaking that occurred later that evening. "It's so weird how stuff like that from your childhood sticks in your memory." Shortly after waking up the next morning, the pair simultaneously named the show's disheveled hamburger chef—Barth Bagge—setting off another round of manic copulation.
Chelsea Clinton Engaged #~# Chelsea, the daughter of former president Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, is engaged to her longtime boyfriend Marc Mezvinsky. What do you think?
Obama Tells Nation He's Going Out For Cigarettes #~# WASHINGTON—During a nationally televised address Tuesday, a visibly tired and worn President Obama informed the country that he was going out for a pack of cigarettes and would be back in 10 minutes or so.
My Friend, You Will Love This Narrow Moroccan Alley #~# Excuse me, but I noticed that you were looking at a carpet a moment ago. You were wise to walk away from that one. I have carpets of much finer quality! You see how this alley curves into the distance? There, my friend, far from all the noise and light, you will find the finest woven goods in all of North Africa, and other wonders that cannot be counted in 10 lifetimes. Please, please, follow me, and I will show you! 
Former Orlando Breakers Coach Michael 'Dauber' Dybinski Adjusts To New GM Duties #~# ORLANDO, FL—Dismissing questions regarding his lack of executive experience, his willingness to make tough personnel decisions, and rumors that his team may soon move to Los Angeles, two-time Super Bowl champion coach and former Monday Night Football broadcaster Michael 'Dauber' Dybinski reassured fans that he was ready to take over the position of general manager for the Orlando Breakers. "I guess I got a lot to learn about what the salary cap is if I'm supposed to wear it every day," Dybinski joked Monday in an obvious jibe at critics who repeatedly questioned his intelligence. "Seriously, though, we're balanced in the locker room with both decent young talent and veteran leaders, we have a $45 million secured municipal bond float for stadium renovations over the next six years, I have a seat at the table for the new collective bargaining agreement, and I've got a feeling this is the year we finally beat the Bills in the playoffs. I love this job." Dybinski also took time to mention that his predecessor, former Breakers coach and general manager Hayden Fox, will always be in his prayers and serves as a tragic example of why one should never drink and drive.
Physics Teacher's Car Accident Would've Made Perfect Example For Class #~# ASTORIA, OR—The deadly auto wreck that claimed the life of local high school science teacher Donald Vaughan, 47, would have neatly and succinctly illustrated the basic laws of classical mechanics to his fourth-period physics class, sources reported Monday. Having struggled to grasp the rule stating that force is equal to mass times acceleration, Vaughan's students would reportedly have been given an elegant case study in the concept were he still alive to describe the way his 1992 Mazda Protégé lethally collided with a large oak tree late Saturday night. Sources also reported that, had Vaughan's students only witnessed their teacher's head separate violently from his spinal cord, they might have finally understood the fundamental idea that an object in motion will tend to stay in motion. 
Swiss Vote Down New Minarets #~# Voters in Switzerland passed a referendum banning the construction of new Muslim prayer towers. What do you think?
Ghost Of Barbaro Appears To Teach Nation True Meaning Of Barbaro Day #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Exactly one year to the day after Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was tragically taken from us before his time, an apparition of the beloved racehorse appeared in the morning sky to teach Americans from all walks of life about the true meaning of Barbaro Day.
Sex Offenders To Register Email Addresses #~# Proposed legislation in New York would protect underage Internet users by creating an email registry of convicted sex offenders. What do you think?
Atlanta Fans Smile Politely Through Entire NHL All-Star Game #~# ATLANTA—Describing the experience as "nice" and "interesting," nearly 19,000 Atlanta residents filled Atlanta's Philips Arena for the National Hockey League's annual All-Star Game, being careful to smile politely throughout the entire hour-long contest. "I certainly had a pleasant time," 54-year-old Darren Holbrook said on his way to the parking lot, though he added that he most likely would not attend another hockey game in the near future. "Those young men on the ice seemed to really be enjoying themselves, so it would have been rude for us not to give them our undivided attention." Most fans in attendance echoed Holbrook's sentiments, but added that had the game gone on much longer, they would have politely excused themselves and gone home. 
Cryptic Bill Belichick Insists He's Never Heard Of A Man Named Tom Brady #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Patriots head coach Bill Belichick responded to reporters' questions regarding Tom Brady's injury status by repeatedly denying any association with a Patriots quarterback, or any other person, by that name. "I repeat: I have no knowledge of or acquaintance with anybody named Tom Brady, and I resent any implication that I might have any knowledge of this Brady individual's personal life," an alternately smirking and confrontational Belichick told reporters during his unusually contentious Media Week press conference. "Why? Does this guy say he knows me? Is that it? Because if this Bradley [sic] fellow is blaming me for getting hurt, that's all I need." Belichick then went on to insist that he was not an NFL football coach but a real-estate salesman from Tempe, and attempted to sell golf-course time-share condos to all in attendance. 
Plaxico Burress: 'I Am Taller Than The Patriots' #~# GLENDALE, AZ—In an apparent attempt to raise his morale and that of his team, Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress released a statement Monday saying that his own personal 6'5" height was superior to that of the New England Patriots. "I have successfully out-stood every other player in the league when it comes to tallness," Burress' statement read in part. "That is a fact. And I get taller when I raise my arms, and taller again when I jump. The Pats are good, but there is nothing they can do about me in the department of being full-grown." Patriots linebacker Junior Seau responded to Burress' statement by saying that, while Burress was a very tall player indeed and had displayed great height in the past, it remained to be seen whether he was taller than the Patriots defense when they were playing well.  
Roger Federer On Winning Australian Open: 'I'm Not Roger Federer, I'm Novak Djokovic' #~# MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Following questions on topics ranging from his feelings about winning his fourth Australian Open title to his relationship with Tiger Woods, a visibly frustrated Roger Federer informed reporters Sunday that he was not tennis player Roger Federer and was in fact tennis player Novak Djokovic. "This is my first Grand Slam title, though I hope to win many more," said Federer, who initially appeared to be having fun at the expense of the media present by wearing a dark wig and speaking with an exaggerated Serbian accent. "Seriously, I'm Novak Djokovic. I beat Roger Federer in straight sets in the semi-finals. I repeat, my name is Novak Djokovic. That's capital N, O, V, [approx. 10 letters omitted]." Longtime tennis reporter Bud Collins said the post-match press conference was "classic loose, easygoing Federer," adding that the 14-time Grand Slam champion always remains humble and often deflects praise onto others when asked about his professional achievements. 
CIA On Torture Memo: 'We Need To Stop Writing This Stuff Down' #~# WASHINGTON—During a press conference Tuesday, CIA chief Michael Hayden expressed regret over the organization's inhumane interrogation tactics of simulating drowning, removing fingernails with pliers, and lacerating genitals, when he told reporters the practices should never have been committed to paper. "Geez, what the heck were we thinking?" Hayden said. "Our job is to protect the American people from this kind of disturbing stuff, and I don't know why we even jotted it down in the first place. Next time we'll just keep it to ourselves." Hayden also said the agency planned to remove the locations and mailing addresses of secret detention facilities from its official website.
Jason Kidd Demands Trade To Peanutopolis #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Disgruntled Nets point guard Jason Kidd held a press conference Tuesday in order to publicly demand a trade to Peanutopolis, insisting that the significant size and satisfying nature of the city fully satisfied his desire to play in a major metropolitan area as well as giving him the most substantialicious chance of winning an NBA title. "Playing all this time for the Nets has just left me rundown," Kidd said, adding that he had told his agent he was hungry for something more. "I can't wait to feel the long-lasting energy I'll get from the jam-packed Gooey Peanut Center." Kidd said that if the team cannot reach a deal with Peanutopolis, he would consider playing for Chicago, Los Angeles, or Whatchamacallit. 
Super Bowl Hangovers #~# Win or lose, appearing in the Super Bowl is no guarantee that a team will do well next season. Onion Sports looks at Super Bowl squads that went from penthouse to outhouse:
Virgin Unveils New Spaceship #~# Virgin Galactic, the space tourism venture run by Richard Branson, unveiled its new commercial sub-orbital spacecraft, the SpaceShip Two. Here are some of the features that can be found on the vessel:
We Must All Do Our Part To Preserve This Climate Of Fear #~# The last six years have been a golden age of American apprehension and mistrust. Thanks to the events of Sept. 11, 2001, all of America was united, standing shoulder to shoulder in sheer, unrelenting fear. But tragically, that atmosphere of panic and confusion has begun to fade, and without another terrible attack to bond us as a nation, we are dangerously close to entering a post-post-9/11 era.
State Quarter Program Ending #~# The nearly 10-year-old State Quarter program will draw to a close this year. What do you think?
Professional Sports Is Very Interesting #~# Have you ever noticed how interesting professional sports is? If there's one topic that I enjoy spending hours thinking about and ruminating upon, that is it. Every match or round or game is an endless source of deep and satisfying contemplation. I never tire of watching a player rounding the bases, crossing the threshold into the end zone, or beating another professional athlete into unconsciousness, and then obsessively dissecting and analyzing every detail. A night spent speculating on the outcome of a sporting event—Will the first team win? Or will it be the second?—is the most intellectually stimulating evening I can imagine.
Congress To Raise Alpacas To Aid Struggling Economy #~# WASHINGTON—Members of Congress assured Americans that they have a definitive plan for reviving the slumping economy when they unveiled on Monday a bold new fiscal stimulus package that calls for the purchase of a pair of alpacas.
Jakob Dylan Still Not Convinced Father A Better Songwriter #~# LOS ANGELES—Although his father, Bob Dylan, is widely considered to be the voice of a generation, Jakob Dylan, lead singer of folk-rock band the Wallflowers, said Monday he remains unconvinced that his father is the family's most talented songwriter. "I definitely think the verdict is still out," said Dylan, adding that time will be the ultimate judge of whether he or the elder Dylan will turn out to be more influential. "Sure, by the time Dad was 21, he had already written 'Blowin' in the Wind,' but let's not forget I'm only 38. I'm still maturing as an artist, and I have a whole notebook of ideas." Dylan added that he may have caused a greater stir in the music world than his father ever did when he was mercilessly booed for performing an acoustic version of "One Headlight" at Pennsylvania's Fayette County Fair in 2005.
Science Teacher Struggles To Justify Showing Total Recall #~# SOUTH BELOIT, IL—South Beloit High School biology teacher Nathan Merchant struggled Tuesday to provide a satisfactory educational reason for showing his ninth-grade students the 1990 sci-fi action-adventure Total Recall.  "Much of the film takes place on Mars, the fourth planet from our sun, which may have once supported microscopic life," said Merchant, who was also unable to adequately explain why he used four full class periods on the 119-minute film. "And of course, there's the three-breasted prostitute. That is an excellent lesson in genetic mutation, which many of our students will learn about in AP biology next year."  Merchant refused to comment on rumors that the upcoming section on photosynthesis will consist of a screening of Little Shop Of Horrors.  
State Of The Union Address #~# President Bush delivered his last State Of The Union Address last night.  What do you think?
Stoners Announce Plans To Get Stoned For That #~# WILMETTE, IL—In an impromptu press conference held Monday afternoon in the parking lot of a local GameStop, a coalition of four area stoners announced their intentions to get stoned for that next weekend, adding that while the activity has much to offer sober, its sights, sounds, and smells could only be improved under the influence of marijuana. "We have concluded that getting stoned before attending this particular event would not only intensify our sensory perceptions, but also heighten our ability to philosophically analyze the experience in 10-minute bursts," group spokesman Mark Sax, 23, said. "Also, we have every reason to believe it will be seriously kick ass [stoned]." Members of the group unanimously agreed that it would be the complete ultimate if Burkey can get off work early and get stoned with them. 
Economic Stimulus Package On Its Way #~# Congress agreed on an economic stimulus package that would give individual taxpayers a rebate of up to $600. What do you think?
Depressed Candidate Runs Attack Ad About Self #~# WASHINGTON—In the midst of a fiercely competitive presidential race with no clear Republican front-runner in sight, an increasingly depressed Mitt Romney shocked political insiders Monday when he released a new national attack ad targeting himself.
Man Braves Freezing Weather To Cross Parking Lot #~# LANCASTER, PA—Surmounting treacherous icy pavement and a windchill factor dipping as low as 19 degrees Fahrenheit, local resident Louis Bergstrom survived a real-life battle with the elements Friday when he successfully completed a harrowing four-and-a-half-minute journey across the desolate, frozen parking lot of an area G & G Grocery Store, the 38-year-old court stenographer told reporters. 
TV Critics Admit To Never Having Watched The Wire  #~# NEW YORK—Despite heaping lavish praise on the HBO crime drama The Wire, television critics across the country admitted Monday that not one of them has ever sat down to watch an entire episode of the show. "The Wire has done what no other television program has come close to achieving—namely, presenting the life of a decaying American city and doing so with the scope and moral vision of great literature," said New York Times critic Virginia Heffernan, who was surprised to hear that the groundbreaking series had already started its fifth and final season in early January. "It sounds fantastic. I really wish I had HBO." Many reviewers from top media outlets assured reporters that they would start watching the Peabody Award–winning show just as soon as the first season reaches the top of their Netflix queues. 
Study Finds Link Between Being Struck By Cream Pie, Diminished Social Standing #~# ITHACA, NY—A new study conducted by the Cornell Institute for Behavioral and Social Sciences has found what researchers believe to be a demonstrable link between being struck with a banana cream pie and a sudden, significant drop in one’s public standing.
Yahoo! Cutting Jobs #~# Yahoo!, the popular internet portal site, plans to trim its workforce by 10 to 20 percent at the end of the month. What do you think?
Giants: 'We Almost Beat The Patriots Once, We Can Almost Beat Them Again' #~# NEW YORK—As they come closer to their Super Bowl clash with the formidable Patriots—the team they nearly defeated in late December—the Giants are confident that they can come close to beating the undefeated AFC champions on football's biggest stage.
Tom Petty To Play Some New Stuff He's Been Working On At Super Bowl #~# PHOENIX—Veteran rocker Tom Petty, known for such classic hits as "Mary Jane's Last Dance," "The Waiting," and "Refugee," announced Monday that he will be using the Super Bowl XLII Halftime Show as a forum to "test out" some new songs that he's been working really hard on lately. "There's this one cool one that I'm pretty excited about that's called, like, 'Down And Out,' because it has this really down-and-out-like 'feel' to it—it doesn't have a chorus yet, but I think we're gonna open with that," Petty said, describing the song as "like 'Free Fallin',' but weirder." "After that, we'll probably do two different versions of 'Rock Rock Rock (Yeah!)' and see which one the crowd likes better. Then I have this guitar riff which technically doesn't have a song to go with it but it sounds awesome, and then [keyboardist] Benmont [Tench] wrote a song about the Super Bowl that I said I'd let him play." Petty has told the 65,000 fans in attendance and the estimated 95 million TV viewers that any feedback, positive or negative, would be appreciated. 
Fan Of Other Team Booed #~# CHICAGO—Thirty-two-year-old Sam Weber, who was wearing the color combination and various paraphernalia indicative of his fandom for a team other then the one hosting the sporting event he was attending, was booed by the other 75,000 fans present in the arena last Sunday when a projection of his face was shown on the facility's large television. "The fact that he had the gall to come into our building with every intention of showing his loyalty and devotion to the team playing our own was enough to warrant that type of hostile response," said Derek Glass, who, like the majority of fans present, was reportedly against the success of the other team and, by extension, any one individual who was for that success. "What a cocksucker." Glass added that when it was clear that Weber's team was going to lose the contest, his visibly depressed countenance was projected on the screen a second time, prompting a standing ovation. 
NFL Denies Miami Dolphins' Request To Watch Super Bowl #~# MIAMI—Just hours after filing their annual request to view the NFL Championship Game, an annual ritual usually regarded as a mere formality for most football teams, the foundering Miami Dolphins organization received a curt "no" from the league's front office. "It is the considered opinion of the league that winning only a single game out of 16 is well below the standard we expect from our teams," the response from the league, penned by Roger Goodell and signed by a coalition of NFL owners, read in part. "We the undersigned feel the free time of Miami's players, coaches, and front-office personnel would be better spent scouting the draft, working on their fundamentals, or perhaps even seeking alternate employment." Goodell attached a special rider to the Super Bowl denial-of-viewership form specifically instructing the Dolphins not to try and watch the Super Bowl at a bar or at someone else's house, as the NFL would be sure to find out eventually.
Brett Favre Still Taking Post-Game Shower #~# GREEN BAY, WI—The Packers confirmed Wednesday evening that quarterback Brett Favre had yet to emerge from the Lambeau Field locker-room shower he entered roughly an hour after throwing the game-sealing interception against the Giants in the NFC Championship game. "We aren't worried about him quite yet. He's been here before," head coach Mike McCarthy told reporters, politely declining their requests to speak to the three-time MVP. "We can hear him in there chewing himself out, shouting strings of curses, and occasionally breaking into a mournful version of 'Friends In Low Places,' so we know he's okay. He's just got some stuff to work out is all." Favre, who has yet to announce whether or not he will return for another season, has thus far limited his public statements to daily requests for the stadium's hot water to be turned back on. 
Huckabee Aides Going Unpaid #~# Several top advisers for Mike Huckabee's struggling presidential campaign have been forced to work without pay. What do you think? 
Super Bowl Special Events #~# The two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl are full of hype, hoopla, and pageantry. Onion Sports picks the must-see events for the discerning fan:  
Nation's Grandfathers To Receive Annual Shipment Of $2 Bills From U.S. Treasury #~# WASHINGTON—During a press conference Monday, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson unveiled this year's shipment of brand-new $2 bills, all of which will be sent directly from the U.S. Mint to the nation's grandfathers by month's end. "I'm willing to speculate that most of you have never seen one of these before," a grinning Paulson told reporters Monday, while gesturing to a sheet of 500 $2 bills, assuring those present that grandfathers everywhere will soon have the perfect gift for their grandchildren's birthdays, good report cards, or just for when they come over to visit. "You can spend them on Lemonheads or anything you want." Throughout the presentation, reporters politely feigned excitement, and afterward they impressed the secretary by accurately guessing whose face was on the $2 bill without having to look at the name printed below it.
Troy Aikman Defends Disemboweling Joe Buck, Huddling Inside Corpse For Warmth #~# GREEN BAY, WI—His suit still smeared with the entrails and blood of his broadcasting partner, Fox color commentator Troy Aikman told reporters Monday that the sub-zero temperatures during Sunday's NFC title game necessitated gutting open play-by-by announcer Joe Buck, dumping his bowels onto the floor of the booth, and climbing inside the carcass late in the third quarter. "With the temperatures continuing to fall throughout the game, there was really little else I could do to avoid hypothermia," Aikman said, noting that his hands were so cold he was afraid of cutting his fingers off when making the incision from Buck's groin and drawing the knife up to the sternum during a TV timeout. "I hated to sacrifice Joe, but I was afraid for my life." Aikman said his colleague's sacrifice was noble in the extreme, but noted he'd thought Buck smelled bad on the outside.
Office Manager Very Pleased With New Work Refrigerator Policy #~# NEW YORK—Meghan Maguire, 26, office manager for DataSolutions, told reporters Monday that she is very happy with her revamped work refrigerator policy, calling the data-recovery company's previous guidelines "obsolete" and "not conducive to a healthy, productive work environment." "With the old policy, there was zero accountability, no initiative to label personal food items, and no limit on how many pieces of fruit people could refrigerate," said Maguire, who spent the last six weekends drafting the five-page document. "The great thing about this policy is that it doesn't force a completely foreign refrigerating experience down anyone's throat. It's the perfect stepping stone to get to where we want to be two years from now." Maguire said she knew the policy was a success when no one responded to the office-wide e-mail she sent out describing the changes. 
Back In My Day, Being An American Gladiator Actually Meant Something #~# We were an elite group of highly trained combatants charged with the task of preventing contestants from collecting cash and prizes—and doing so with our very lives. We dominated the cable-televised arena, each grueling event a test of our strength, agility, and heart. The public feared and respected us. We had cool names and we were strong.
Bill Clinton: 'Screw It, I'm Running For President' #~# CHARLESTON, SC—After spending two months accompanying his wife, Hillary, on the campaign trail, former president Bill Clinton announced Monday that he is joining the 2008 presidential race, saying he "could no longer resist the urge."
Stone To Direct Bush Biopic #~# Oliver Stone, director of Platoon, JFK, and The Doors, has chosen President George W. Bush as the subject of his next film. What do you think?
Facebook's Popular Applications #~# One of the factors contributing to the overwhelming popularity of Facebook is that third parties are allowed to create applications for the site. Here are some of the features that have made Facebook a force to contend with:
I've Got A Lot Of Love To Barter #~# Relationships are a two-way street, and you can't expect to make them work unless you're willing to get out there and risk being hurt. Took me a long time to learn that, but now that I'm ready to open my heart to another person, it's only a matter of time before I find my soulmate. So look out, world, because I've got a whole lot of love to give to the first person who can match that love with a similar offer or its equivalent in luxury items, birthday and anniversary presents, or cash.
New Hobby Sucks #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—Twenty-nine-year-old executive assistant Jake Dangler told reporters Monday that his newfound hobby of collecting ceramic figurines is "possibly the worst, most boring thing [he's] ever done in [his] entire life." "Now I got all these fucking creepy little angels and gnomes and shit cluttering up my house," said Dangler, who has wasted an estimated $650 on the collectibles, as well as several hours attending "horribly depressing" conventions with like-minded hobbyists. "What the hell am I supposed to do with these things? God, what an awful, awful way to spend my free time." Dangler added that he can't wait to quit the hated activity, as it will free up much-needed time to devote to his show-cat breeding.
Caffeine Increases Miscarriage Chances #~# A new study by Kaiser Permanente Research Division in Oakland, CA says that the caffeine in two cups of coffee per day can double the chances of an expectant mother miscarrying. What do you think?
Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's 'War For The White House' Web Site #~# The school-educated busy-bodies who manage my media properties inform me that it is almost time to appoint a new President. I almost cannot believe it is time for the suet-brained populace of this flagging Republic to be once again herded into the voting-booths to allegedly choose precisely which bloody-handed butcher will crack their bones and suck the marrow over the next few years. Futility, I say, rank and base futility! Does the grist choose the mill, the rabbit the hawk, the innocent 12-year-old Atlantic City orphan girl the lusty mob of beefy, drunk, vacationing coal-oil sales-men? They do not, and neither do the Citizens choose their Leaders. However, if The Onion news-paper can further the illusion that an individual vote has more potential to change the world than a lamb's last bubbling bleat in a crowded slaughter-house—and furthermore, if we may turn a hand-some profit by doing so—than let The Onion be the Judas goat to the milling herd of democratic cattle!
Crush On Williams-Sonoma Employee Costing Man A Fortune #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to Woodfield Mall patron Thomas Hill, his growing infatuation with Williams-Sonoma employee Kelly Petersen has thrown him into a massive $27,000 debt, forcing the high school teacher to sell his car and take on a part-time job at a local restaurant in order to support his habit of conversing with Petersen about the store's high-end cookware. "I'll never forget the first time I saw her reflection in that $429 DeLonghi stainless-steel convection oven," said Hill, who recently applied for six new credit cards and is completing paperwork for a second mortgage. "I finally built up the courage to talk to her the other day when I asked her how much this Oxo mango peeler cost. It cost $12." Hill added that he would like to invite her to come to his place for dinner, but he hates cooking. 
U.S. Briefly On Canadian Torture List #~# Late last week, Canada placed the United States on an official list of countries that practice torture before removing it on Saturday. What do you think? 
3.2 Million Unemployed Americans Apply For Opening At Ohio-Area Bob Evans #~# FINDLAY, OH—In what some economists believe to be a sign that the U.S. could be headed for a recession, a job opening last month at the Findlay-area Bob Evans prompted a deluge of more than 3 million job applications from out-of-work Americans, restaurant manager Tom Fields confirmed Tuesday. 
Area Eccentric Reads Entire Book #~# GREENWOOD, IN—Sitting in a quiet downtown diner, local hospital administrator Philip Meyer looks as normal and well-adjusted as can be. Yet, there's more to this 27-year-old than first meets the eye: Meyer has recently finished reading a book.
American Idol Ratings Down #~# The season debut of American Idol was the lowest it's been in four years. What do you think.
Kraft Introduces New Kraft Doubles For Couples #~# NORTHFIELD, IL—In an effort to reach out to a segment of the population completely ignored by the company for more than a century, Kraft Foods unveiled Monday its new line of Kraft Doubles—jointly wrapped slices of American cheese specially designed with couples in mind.
Rock Song Takes Pro-Rock Stance #~# LOS ANGELES—A fist-pumping spokesperson for the rock and roll song "Rock You" declared the new track's unwavering pro-rock stance Monday amid a deluge of blistering guitar solos and monster drum fills. "In addition to its steadfast pledge to rock you into the night, 'Rock You' also intends to rock at least until the morning light, and does not care what any authority figures may say at this time," public relations associate Mark Boudreaux said. "Furthermore, rock and roll is here to stay." Boudreaux added that lame asses, poseurs, and mama's boys opposed to the song's militant pro-rock agenda could face a long, uphill battle if the song's prediction that rock will never die proves true.
Olympic Runners Feeling Stupid For Cutting Off Legs Before Finding Out About Prosthetic Ban #~# NEW YORK—An International Association of Athletics Federations ruling Monday disallowing double-leg amputee Oscar Pistorius, who uses special Cheetah-brand racing prosthetics, from participating in the 2008 Beijing Olympics has left over 70 U.S. Olympic track and field hopefuls feeling "pretty stupid" for their recent decisions to cut off their own legs in an attempt to gain a similar advantage. "I really wish they would have told me before I amputated my legs that I wouldn't be allowed to run with those performance-enhancing prosthetic limbs," 110-m. hurdles competitor David Payne said from his recovery room at the Johns Hopkins intensive care unit. "If I was going to be hobbled by being forced to use my healthy, normal legs to run, I should have been informed. Damn it." Though the IAAF has remained steadfast in its decision, over 1,200 Olympic hopefuls from all representative countries have also cut off their own legs as a display of solidarity with their fellow competitors.
Vegas Gives Patriots 1,000-Point Spread Over Chargers #~# LAS VEGAS—Major Las Vegas sports books took no time in accepting wagers on the AFC championship game, setting the line at New England +1,000 as soon as the Chargers' upset of the Colts had concluded. "Considering both [quarterback Phil] Rivers and [running back LaDainian] Tomlinson may be out for the game, we're confident that New England can put at least a grand's worth of points on the Bolts," Bellagio casino oddsmaker Sam "Fat Roll" Matusiak said Monday. "Of course, if one or both of them are healthy, that line could change five or six points, easy. Right now, though, smart money is to either fade our action on that spread for the Pats or just sit on your money." Matusiak's book is also accepting "proposition bets" on certain game situations, such as the number of touchdowns the Patriots will score during the first minute.
Canucks-Blues Game Goes Into Extra-Puck-Time Or Something #~# ST. LOUIS—A recent hockey game between the St. Louis Blues and Vancouver Canucks went into extra-puck-time or something, ESPN reported Monday, after the two teams completed the real part of the contest yet continued to skate around for some time after that. "Usually they just do the beginning part, the middle part, and the end part, but this one was different—perhaps it had something to do with that man getting thrown into that icebox thing after he stepped over the blue line into the out-of-bounds zone or whatever," said Barry Melrose on ESPN's NHL 2Night. "Hard to say, really. However, this game exceeded the length of a regular hockey game by a certain length of time, possibly even several minutes. That's what makes this sport great." Melrose noted that if the score had remained tied for much longer, the game would have been settled with one of those slapshot contests or goal-offs or some other such hockey-related deal.
Worst-Ever NFL Playoff Chokes #~#  Poor performances by Tony Romo and Peyton Manning contributed to their teams' losses in the divisional playoffs, but they weren't the worst choke-jobs of all time. Onion Sports takes a look at the ones that were:
Brett Favre Promises To Throw Ball As Far As He Can In NFC Championship Game #~# GREEN BAY—Veteran quarterback Brett Favre promised fans and teammates that he will not let them down while playing in his first NFC championship game in 10 years this coming Sunday, vowing that he would throw the football as far and as hard as he possibly can. "The Packers have come to expect a certain caliber of performance from me, specifically that I throw the ball a real long ways," Favre told reporters at a press conference after a Tuesday practice in which coaches said he was throwing the football as far as he did when he was in his twenties. "And I won't let them down on Sunday. Not only will I throw that ball a long ways, I'm going to throw it real, real hard, too." After Favre's announcement, Packers coach Mike McCarthy announced that Wednesday's practice would concentrate on running the Hail Mary when inside the Giants' five-yard line. 
Jessica Simpson Completes Elaborate Plan To Destroy Cowboys' Season #~# DALLAS—Speaking to reporters she had invited into her impenetrable subterranean Texas lair on Monday, Jessica Simpson gloated over the victory she recently achieved after nearly two years of using her personal charms, her unique brand of cunning, and every resource at her disposal to meticulously plot the downfall of the Cowboys' 2007 season. 
Obama And Clinton Call Truce #~# After tense days of racial and personal accusations flying back and forth between the top Democratic candidates, Barack Obama has called for a truce with the Hillary Clinton campaign. What do  you think? 
Manning To Take Some Time Before Deciding Dungy's Future #~# INDIANAPOLIS—In the wake of the Colt's 28-24 upset loss to the San Diego Chargers last Sunday, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning remains tight-lipped as to whether or not he plans on firing longtime head coach Tony Dungy. "I don't think it would be wise to make a decision on Tony's future with this loss so fresh in my mind," Manning told reporters during his post-game press conference. "I am going to take Monday off and listen to what [general manager] Bill [Polan] and [Colts owner] Jim [Irsay] have to say on Monday night. I should have my final decision before the end of next week." Though Manning remained mum on Dungy's future, he told reporters that he intends to fire both the Colts' offensive and defensive coordinators and will more than likely promote Colts assistant marketing director Henry Jacobs to executive director of digital business. 
New Roommates Attempt To Find Manly Way Of Saying Good Night #~# MINNEAPOLIS—One month after moving into their shared apartment, roommates Nick Horowitz, 23, and Dan Crenshaw, 24, are still trying to find an appropriately masculine way to bid each other good night, Crenshaw told reporters Tuesday. "We started out by bumping fists and saying 'night bro,' and right now we're getting by with really sarcastically saying 'nighty-night, sweetie,'" said Crenshaw, who recounted several other short-lived nightly salutations, including a particularly ill-conceived attempt that ended in an awkward half hug. "I think I'm going to try out something tonight like 'good night, fuckface,' and we'll go from there." Crenshaw said that the good-morning greeting of grunting, scratching, and repeatedly calling each other "queer" seems to be fulfilling the pair's needs at present.
Failure Now An Option #~# WASHINGTON—In a stunning reversal of more than 200 years of conventional wisdom, failure—traditionally believed to be an unacceptable outcome for a wide range of tasks and goals—is now increasingly seen as a viable alternative to success, sources confirmed Tuesday.
Very Specific Food Pyramid Recommends Two To Three Shrimp Scampis Per Year #~# WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Agriculture unveiled an updated, extremely detailed food pyramid Monday, which may redefine the way Americans plan their yearly intake of such food groups as shrimp scampi, garlic bread, and steak tartares with a side of mini grilled corn on the cobs. "Two servings of shrimp scampi per year is absolutely essential, and it is preferable that one be a microwaveable meal from the Contessa frozen-foods line, and the other be eaten at a fancy restaurant, like the Lobster Tail off Route 22, on a nice summer evening with the woman you love," acting Agriculture Secretary Chuck Conner said. "All healthy adults should also incorporate four bowls of Cookie Crisp cereal, 223 to 228 salted pretzel rods, one plate of Hamburger Helper cheeseburger macaroni, six to eight Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies, and no more than two Fla-Vor-Ice-brand ice pops into their yearly diet." The nutrition guide highly recommends taking two bites from an undercooked hot dog on July 12 every year and then throwing the rest away.
First Indian-American Governor Elected #~# With his swearing in as governor of Louisiana on Monday, Republican Bobby Jindal became the first Indian-American to head a U.S. state.  What do you think?
On The Campaign Trail With Dennis Kucinich #~# Despite trailing every other Democratic presidential candidate in the polls, Dennis Kucinich is still campaigning actively. Here is a sample day on the campaign trail with Kucinich:
I Strongly Disagree With Connellsville High School's Choice For The John Philip Sousa Award #~# It is with heavy heart that I, John Philip Sousa, composer and patriot, address you today for the purpose of setting right a great injustice. Every year, the entire music faculty of Connellsville High School comes together to present one outstanding student with the John Philip Sousa award—a glorious wood-mounted plaque that shines as brightly as does my own legacy in the marching arts. And every year, they have done well in upholding my name. That is, until they announced the recipient for the 2007-2008 academic year.
Women Are Way Out Of My League #~# Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. With my dopey face and chicken legs, my love life could be summed up in one word: hopeless. The harder I try, the less interested women seem to be in me. It's like 52 percent of the world's population doesn't even know I exist. Not that I can blame them. If I were a woman, I wouldn't be interested in me, either.
Area Man Sorry He's Late, Got Here As Fast As He Could #~# CHICAGO—Thirty-four-year-old associate sales representative Ben Anderson, who got here as fast as he possibly could, is really, really sorry he's late. "What did I miss?" asked Anderson, who again, is so sorry, but the bus—well, it's a long story. "My girlfriend and the dog—and now I'm holding everything up. Sorry. Sorry." Anderson, who added that he's honestly very sorry, has asked that everyone just ignore him and carry on while he gets himself settled. 
Carl's Jr. Founder Dead #~# Carl Karcher, the founder of Carl's Jr. and owner of Hardee's, died just days shy of his 91st Birthday. What do you think? 
Weinsteins To Reach Deal With Writers #~# According to co-founder Harvey Weinstein, the Weinstein Company, one of the largest independent film companies in Hollywood, has struck a deal with striking writers. What do you think?
Senate Meets At Coffee Shop To Brainstorm Legislation #~# Sens. Biden, Feinstein, Byrd, and Levin spitball some new laws. 
Son's Black Market Value Checked Online #~# WHITESTONE, NY—Shortly after viewing a television report on the international child-slavery trade, 42-year-old father David Newsom was "alarmed" Monday when a subsequent Internet search revealed that his son, Dave, Jr., would fetch more than $35,000 in an underground Burmese child-sex-slave operation. 
Half Of 26-Year-Old's Memories Nintendo-Related #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Nearly 50 percent of 26-year-old paralegal Philip Jenkins' encoded long-term memories involve button combinations, game-playing experiences, and spatial-cognitive maps of various levels and worlds from Nintendo's line of video-game consoles, a team of neuroscientists reported Tuesday.
Study Counters Autism-Vaccination Link #~# A new study found no evidence to support the long-speculated causality between infant vaccination and autism. What do you think?
Fall Internship Pays Off With Coveted Winter Internship #~# NEW YORK—New York University student Dave Werner announced Monday that he has successfully parlayed an unpaid fall internship at the magazine GQ into a long-sought-after unpaid winter internship at the ESPN network. "After three months spent fetching coffee and making copies, all my hard work has finally paid off," the 21-year-old communications major said as he dropped off executive assistant Matt Sullivan's dry cleaning at a local laundromat. "These days, I'm totally in charge of taking lunch orders, and some of the people I work with already sort of know my name. What an invaluable experience." Werner added that his main goal is to use his connections at ESPN to secure a highly desirable spring internship that could possibly offer school credit and a modest travel stipend.
Syria Attends Mideast Peace Talks For Free Continental Breakfast #~# ANNAPOLIS, MD—Despite years of diplomatic stalemate in the Mideast crisis, Syrian officials appeared eager to mend troubled Arab-Israeli relations this week by participating in a second round of U.S.-led peace talks, which feature representatives from every country in the region, as well as a complimentary continental breakfast in the hotel lobby.
Clemens Files Defamation Lawsuit Against Steroids #~# NEW YORK—One month after his name appeared in the Mitchell Report, veteran Yankees pitcher Roger Clemens filed a defamation suit against performance-enhancing drugs in which he claimed that steroids are attempting to tarnish his career. "This is a textbook case of slander: If steroids had not injected themselves—maliciously and with premeditation—into Mr. Clemens' bloodstream on multiple occasions, people would not be accusing my client of taking steroids," Clemens' lawyer Rusty Hardin said in a statement released Tuesday. "We have waited 30 days for steroids to come forward and admit that they were never administered to Mr. Clemens with his consent, but they're not talking. Therefore, we have no choice but to take steroids to court." Clemens is scheduled to hold several private, closed-door meetings with steroids in the coming weeks before announcing he will return to baseball for one more season.
DOT Declares Pothole Too Perfect To Fill #~# COLUMBUS, OH—According to a statement released by the Ohio Department of Transportation Wednesday, highway maintenance workers are so deeply moved by the elegant pothole located in the westbound lane of Route 50 that they have decided not to defile its pure and powerful form by attempting to fill it in. "This natural jewel of concrete displacement on an endless stretch of barren highway is too aesthetically pristine to be disturbed," said Ohio DOT director James G. Beasley, adding that when he first beheld the pothole he knew he had seen the face of God. "From the delicate lace of cracks running across the radius to the dark and profound depths of the crater below, we must protect this pothole with all of our being. It makes such beautiful use of negative space." Beasley also claimed that it would be an honor for anyone to have their car ruined by such a masterpiece of asphalt. 
The New American Gladiators #~# NBC has revived the muscle-bound competitive game show American Gladiators for a new generation. Onion Sports looks at what's new in this remake of an old favorite:
National Champion LSU Retires At The Top Of Its Game #~# NEW ORLEANS—Mere moments after hoisting the crystal national championship trophy, Tigers coach Les Miles announced that LSU had made the decision to "go out on top" and retire after almost 150 years as a public university.
Troy Aikman Promises Fair, Unbiased Commentary On Cowboys' Run To Super Bowl Championship #~# DALLAS—Fox color commentator and former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman assured viewers Sunday that during playoff telecasts he would impartially document the return of America's team to their rightful place as NFL champions. "In order to maintain my journalistic integrity, I must be free from bias when I present both sides of the Cowboys' play, remaining impartial as they dominate on both offense and defense," Aikman said, interrupting his heartfelt account of being drafted number one by the team. "Even though Dallas' opponent will not be worthy to share the same field with them, I will not show favoritism towards America's Team, my beloved 'Boys." Aikman added that he would not let his warm feelings for Cowboys owner Jerry Jones skew how he described the man's many wonderful qualities.
Coeds Drink More At Themed Parties #~# A study conducted by researchers at San Diego State University and the University of Michigan found that college women are encouraged to drink more at theme parties. What do you think?
Struggling Arena Football League To Hold Game Outdoors #~# NEW YORK—In an attempt to invigorate interest in what many see as a niche or novelty sport and thereby broaden their fanbase, Arena Football League Commissioner David Baker announced last Saturday that the March 17 contest between the Colorado Crush and the Dallas Desperados will be held at an outdoor facility. "Once again, the Arena League is on the cutting edge of sport with its newest innovation—football played on an outdoor field with a natural grass surface," said Baker, adding that he hopes the game being broadcast on ESPN2 will raise public awareness for the league. "This is the way arena football was meant to be played." Since they went on sale Monday, a total of three tickets have been sold for the game.
Shaq Asks To Have Injured Hip Replaced With Lasers #~# LOS ANGELES—Following a medical appointment Monday in which he sought treatment for a hip injury that has sidelined him for the past five games, Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal told reporters he has asked doctors to use their science to replace his ailing hip with intense beams of highly focused coherent light. "'The Real Deal' can no longer afford to be slowed down by physical bones, which refuse to stop hurting," the four-time NBA champion, who has not played since Dec. 22, told reporters Wednesday. "So I told them to just open me up and bolt in some lasers, so I can get back out on the court and help my team. I'm thinking maybe they should replace my entire skeleton. Some of those bones have been weighing me down for too long." Although Heat coach Pat Riley felt the bursitis in O'Neal's hip would heal in a couple of weeks without the use of high-energy stimulated radiation implants, he expressed concern after learning "Doctor Shaq" would perform the laser hip transplant on himself if he could not find a surgeon for the procedure. 
I'm Just A Simple Country Refrigerator Repair Technician #~# I know as well as any that the world's  a-changing, and that with new technologies come new ways of doing things, some for better and some for worse. But I also know that some things—simple things such as commercial refrigerator repair and maintenance—ought not to be overcomplicated and complexified.
I Got What America Needs Right Here #~# Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. 'Cause, unless I'm missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm, and I have no fucking idea what you're gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you got here in '08? Fat fucking chance. 
Sports Through With Helping New Orleans Recover #~# NEW ORLEANS—Following this year's BCS National Championship game, held in New Orleans' Louisiana Superdome, commissioners from all amateur and professional sporting leagues released a statement Tuesday saying that sports is "through" helping the city of New Orleans recover from the devastation suffered at the hands of Hurricane Katrina in 2005. "We worked endless hours to make sure the Superdome was rebuilt in time for the Saints' home opener in 2006; we fought tirelessly to bring the 2008 NBA All-Star Game to the city; and long days and nights were spent making sure the Hornets were able to play in New Orleans Arena this year. Not to mention that our athletes have collectively worked thousands of hours helping the community rebuild," the statement read in part. "Enough's enough already. The city needs to start leeching off another industry." The statement added that sports will continue its pledge to aid New York City's recovery from the blackout of 1977, as the metropolis will add three new baseball teams, two more basketball teams, and four new athletic arenas by the end of 2012.
Word 'Immunity' Used Outside Of Reality Show For First Time In Five Years #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Dr. Thomas Draker's announcement Monday that his patient Sarah Ross, 32, had successfully built up an immunity to bee stings was the first instance in five years that the word "immunity" has been uttered outside the realm of reality television. According to official records, since 2002's use of the word during an eighth-grade civics class, the term has been used an estimated 13,546,873 times, solely by reality show viewers and contestants while discussing the possibility of being protected from elimination during an upcoming challenge. After being informed of her immunity to bee stings, Ross reportedly asked her doctor if that meant she could safely move on to next week's round of allergies. 
McCain Wins New Hampshire Primary #~# Senator John McCain surprised observers by winning the Republican vote in the New Hampshire primary. What do you think?
Drinkable Water For America's Cities #~# With the scarcity of drinkable water becoming a major issue on the horizon, cities across the United States are trying to find new sources of water or new ways to conserve water. Here are some of those methods:
Report: Someone Totally Doing It Somewhere Right Now #~# CHICAGO—According to a groundbreaking new study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Statistical Association, somewhere on the planet someone is totally doing it at this very moment.
Mayor Says To Lose Weight #~# Mick Cornett, the mayor of Oklahoma City, has challenged every citizen to lose a collective 1 million pounds in an effort to help the state capital shed the distinction of being one of America's fattest cities. What do you think?
Not Snowing Over Here, Man On Phone Reports #~# DES MOINES, IA—During a brief, five-minute telephone conversation last Monday, local resident Grant Jacobs, 58, reportedly expressed surprise that it was not snowing near his home in Des Moines, IA even though it was snowing in Providence, RI where his son Michael, 20, attends college. "It's actually pretty clear, here," Jacobs said. "I bet you guys are getting what we had last week." Jacobs added that, according to the Weather Channel's Doppler radar, the weather should be fine in Providence tomorrow, while Des Moines is supposed to get hit pretty hard. 
Anti-Cancer Machine Invented? #~# Research reports on the American Cancer Society's website suggest that a new machine, invented by a Florida man with no medical training, may be able to destroy cancer cells. What do you think? 
Bush Begins Preparations For Nation's Final Year #~# WASHINGTON—As his last term in office winds to a close, President Bush has directed White House aids and Cabinet staff to begin preparing for 2008, the nation's 232nd and final year in existence.
Gratitude For Thank-You Note Plunges Friends Into Inescapable Appreciation Spiral #~# PHILADELPHIA—A reciprocated expression of gratitude provided upon receiving a thank-you note last month has plunged friends Amy Hildenbrand, 34, and Melissa Means, 35 into a recursive appreciation spiral that has no apparent end in sight. "Melissa was so happy my note was hand-written that she insisted on buying me dinner," said a visibly frustrated Hildenbrand, who countered by offering to babysit Means' infant son and was rewarded with a heartfelt letter and gift card. "If you'll excuse me, I need to get to the travel agent before it closes." Although the all-encompassing vortex of thankfulness has left both parties unable to move for fear of being further indebted, Hildenbrand will finally put the matter to rest next Thursday, when she attends her surprise Thank You luncheon with a loaded shotgun.
Clinton Holds Economic Roundtable #~# As part of her campaign, Sen. Hillary Clinton held a public economic roundtable on Wednesday with experts and victims of our country's economic downturn in Zanesville, OH. What do you think?
Idiom Shortage Leaves Nation All Sewed Up In Horse Pies #~# WASHINGTON—A crippling idiom shortage that has left millions of Americans struggling to express themselves spread like tugboat hens throughout the U.S. mainland Tuesday in an unparalleled lingual crisis that now has the entire country six winks short of an icicle.
Study: Snapping Three Times Leading Way To Recall Movies, Actors #~# DURHAM, NC—According to a study published Tuesday in the Journal Of Neuroscience, snapping three times in rapid succession is the most effective method for remembering the names of films and actors that have slipped one's mind. "When denied access to IMDb, subjects who were able to correctly remember semi-obscure movie trivia invariably used the tri-snapping method," head researcher Dr. Ward Connell said of the study, which consisted of asking volunteers several questions pertaining to a photograph of Dermot Mulroney. "Secondary findings indicate that using the word 'um' and phrases such as 'oh, you know' enhance the efficacy of this method by nearly 35 percent, and those who used expletives were on average three times more successful." Additional evidence has suggested the snapping technique may be linked to the effectiveness of loudly narrating one's previous activities while attempting to find misplaced keys. 
Gray Wolf Can Be Hunted Again #~#  After nearly being driven to extinction 50 years ago, the gray wolf has been removed from the endangered list and can be hunted again. What do you think?
Mark Cuban To New Maverick Jason Kidd: 'I'm Open' #~# DALLAS—Upon seeing that no one on the opposing team had picked him up in transition, Mavericks owner Mark Cuban repeatedly called for newly acquired point guard Jason Kidd to pass him the ball during the All-Star's first home game with the team Monday. "Gimme the ball! Gimme the ball!" said Cuban, waving his arms and jumping up and down behind the Maverick's bench. "Pass me the rock! I'm on an island here… Ball! Ball! Ball! Hey, J-Kidd, over here! I'm wide open! Come on, damn it, ball!" Cuban, who displayed his frustration by stealing a pass intended for power forward Dirk Nowitzki and returning to his seat, finished his third straight game with zero points and two technical fouls. 
Canseco: 'Hey Guys, Who Wants To Come To My Big Steroid Party This Weekend?' #~# MIAMI—Former MLB star and admitted steroid user Jose Canseco extended an informal invitation Monday to over 500 current and former professional baseball players, requesting their presence at his house this coming weekend for his annual steroid party.
Bradley Center Moves Milwaukee Bucks Game To Basement #~# MILWAUKEE—The Milwaukee Bucks home game against the New York Knicks was relegated to the basement of the Bradley Center Tuesday, arena president Steve Costello announced to reporters, saying he was forced to hold the more popular Smucker's Stars On Ice event in the main venue. "Normally only 200 to 300 people are in attendance for most Bucks games, so the basement will provide plenty of room," Costello said, adding that the Bradley Center's basement had a quaint and intimate atmosphere most NBA fans never get a chance to experience. "Every figure-skating event we host sells out, while it costs more for us to keep the lights on during Bucks game than we make off of ticket sales." Costello said that when he created the event schedule for the year, he naturally assumed the Bucks season would either be over by now or that ownership would have moved the team to another city. 
Nation's Women Thank Sports Illustrated For Helping Them Make Well-Informed Swimsuit Choices #~# NEW YORK—Weeks after their 2008 swimsuit issue hit newsstands, Sports Illustrated continues to be deluged with mail from appreciative women across America thanking the magazine for once again helping them choose attractive, functional beachwear. "It's never too early in the spring to get your wardrobe ready for summer!" Cleveland, OH housewife Erica Robbins, 46, wrote in a letter the magazine received Monday. "I've already made an appointment with a local artist to airbrush a dramatically high-cut crimson 'tankini' on my naked body the first day the thermometer goes over 75!" Although the special issue is extremely popular with women, Sports Illustrated's annual swimwear shopping guide continues to elicit thousands of subscription cancellation demands every year from the magazine's overwhelmingly male readership. 
Big Game Coming Up #~# NEW YORK—A major contest between two high-quality teams in a major sport is scheduled to take place in the immediate future, multiple media sources reported earlier this week. "No doubt about it—this is the biggest game since the championship, and it might be the biggest one we see until the playoffs," a respected analyst for a major sports news organization said Monday, echoing the words of analysts at most major newspapers and magazines, sports television show hosts, and radio personalities. "This will be one for the ages, one to watch, one to talk about at work the next day, a classic battle of high-flying talent versus hard-nosed grit. I can't even begin to guess at a score." Although tickets have been sold out since they went on sale during the exhibition season, fans are divided on whether they are expecting an upset or a blowout. 
NFL Combine 2008 #~# Darren McFadden's 4.33 40 time is the talk of this year's pre-draft workout, but it was far from the only notable moment in Indianapolis last weekend:
Camel Cash Inherited From Grandpa #~# TOPEKA, KS—Twenty-eight-year-old Brian Roberson became the sole heir of his late grandfather Herman Roberson's lifetime savings in Camel Cash Tuesday, when he inherited a shoe box filled with 5,800 C-notes. "To think that a fortune was stashed right behind the cinderblock in the garage all this time," Roberson said, adding that his grandpa always stressed the importance of planning for the future. "He could have bought all the promotional collapsible camping chairs he wanted, but instead he put it away for his grandkid. That's the kind of man he was." According to Roberson, his grandpa's last wish was for him to spend the Camel Cash on anything from the Camel catalog his heart desired, though it all had to have been redeemed before March 31, 2007. 
Manny Ramirez Plays With Bush Family Dogs During Red Sox's Entire White House Visit #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Although Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez was present for the official team visit to the White House, he did not meet the president due to being preoccupied with rolling on the Rose Garden lawn and playing tug-of-war with Barney, the Bush family's Scottish terrier, the Red Sox organization announced Wednesday. "Hey, perro! Perro! Come here! You want to play with Manny? Sure you do! Yes, you do! Hey! Come back!" Ramirez can be faintly heard to say in the background of the taped record of the ceremony, although cameras did not record Ramirez chasing the First Dog through the shrubbery or swinging the dog around in circles with Ramirez's sock clenched firmly in his jaw. Although Ramirez has posted photos of minor bites, supposedly inflicted by Barney, on his website, White House officials have dismissed the wounds as "just Barney being Barney."
Strange, It's Almost As If This Were Some Sort Of 'China Town' #~# When I left the house this morning, little did I know what wonders I'd uncover. Hidden in the middle of fast and modern downtown New York was one of the strangest, most puzzling  places I had ever laid eyes upon. From the weird Chinese-like writing on the storefronts to the odd Chinese-looking people on the streets—I know this may sound crazy, but it was almost as if I'd stepped into some kind of "Chinese Town."
Bush Vows To Make It Up To Country Somehow #~# WASHINGTON—Amid allegations that his thoughtless and insensitive decisions have damaged his relationship with the nation, President George W. Bush vowed Monday that he would, starting now, "make everything better."
Protestants Becoming Minorities #~#  Since the 1980s, the percentage of Americans who identify themselves as Protestant has dropped from two-thirds to just 51 percent. What do you think?
Universal Options Hasbro #~# Universal Studios signed a six-year, four-picture deal with Hasbro that will dip into the popular toy manufacturer's game catalog to produce movie adaptations. Here are the plots of some of the games that are being developed right now:
Rockin' Party Dude Strongly Recommends Additional Drinking #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Self-described party dude Phil issued a strongly worded recommendation to fellow houseguests at 3:15 a.m. Saturday, urging the universal consumption of one to two additional brewskis in order to keep the assembled partygoers from totally wussing out. "Come on, where's everybody going?" said Phil, who according to witnesses was wearing a 1980s-era Iron Maiden T-shirt in what appeared to be a non-ironic manner. "Drink up, you lightweights!"  Observers noted that Phil's strategy of shaking the keg and citing the resultant sound of sloshing liquid as evidence the party was not yet over might have been effective had he not lost consciousness moments later. As of press time, Phil has still not resumed rocking.
You Know What's Stupid? Everything I Don't Understand #~# For far too long I've sat idly by, twiddling my thumbs and respecting the right of others to form thoughts and opinions independent of my own, and I can't take it anymore. I've got to speak up about the many things that annoy me or I'm going to go crazy. Take these new credit cards with the microchips in them, for instance. Man, those things really get my goat—trying to improve a device that was working perfectly fine as it was. Even worse are those wrappers on CDs that take forever to open. But you know what I hate the most? The one thing that makes my blood boil whenever I see it? Anything beyond my mental capacity, that's what.
Man Who Should Be President Has Asymmetrical Eyebrows #~# DAYTON, OH—With a wide-ranging knowledge of both domestic and foreign issues, unflappable composure, and an uncanny ability to reach across the aisle in these divided times, 42-year-old David Johnson would be this generation's greatest president if he didn't have disturbingly askew eyebrows. "On paper, he's got it all," ABC News correspondent George Stephanopoulos said of Johnson, who is an undeniably powerful and engaging speaker. "But those eyebrows—Christ, one is way too bushy, and the other is just all over the place." According to Stephanopoulos, Americans will instead elect the president they deserve—a superficial, eager-to-please, spineless person with immaculately groomed hair above his eyes. 
Pakistan Bans YouTube #~# The government of Pakistan has blocked access to YouTube over anti-Islamic clips posted on the video-sharing site. What do you think?
Area Man To Try Showering At Night #~# POTOMAC, MD—In what is being called a paradigm shift in shower-taking ideology, Matt Kirsch, 27, announced Tuesday his intention to go against a lifetime of bathing tradition by showering at night instead of in the morning. "For as long as I can remember, I have only showered between the hours of 6 and 11 a.m., but as of late I have been filled with questions as to what it would be like to shower right before bed," a robed Kirsch told reporters standing outside his bathroom. "Will the 30 extra minutes of sleep in the morning give me more energy? Will the night shower relax me before bed or have the complete opposite effect? How will going to bed with a wet head affect how my hair looks in the morning? These are just some of the questions I hope to answer." At the conclusion of the press conference, Kirsch bid the reporters good night and urged them to wish him luck. 
Tennessee Helpless Against New Basement Tornadoes #~# MEMPHIS, TN—Officials from the National Weather Service issued a severe weather alert for all basements in Tennessee Tuesday after a deadly new weather phenomenon ravaged scores of residential downstairs areas, leaving every other part of the houses completely untouched. The recently discovered targeted cyclones, known as basement tornadoes, tore through cellars all over the state, killing dozens and injuring hundreds.
Sharper Image's Dull Financial Prospects #~# High-end gadget retailer The Sharper Image filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. What do you think? 
E-Mail From Aunt Accidentally Opened #~# CHICAGO—An otherwise routine e-mail-checking session went wrong when college student Gwen Petersen, 20, accidentally opened a message sent by her Aunt Sophie in Michigan, sources reported Monday.
Bush Hopes Recession Doesn't Affect Sales Of His Memoirs #~# WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush told reporters Monday that he remains optimistic that the impending recession will end before his memoirs go on sale. "With any luck, we can pull together as a nation and get through this thing before Dec. 15, 2010," said Bush, referring to the tentative release date of his autobiography, Born Leading. "It would be a terrible tragedy if this massive economic downturn left the average American family unable to afford the $39.95 plus tax they need to buy my book." Bush added that he is currently considering an exclusive straight- to-paperback deal with Wal-Mart to make his memoirs less costly should the country slide into a crippling economic depression. 
Teamsters Endorse Obama #~# The powerful Teamsters labor union endorsed Barack Obama. What do you think?
Victim Of Mall Shooting Determined Not To Die In Yankee Candle #~# BUFFALO, NY—In the aftermath of last week's deadly shooting at the Windsor Galleria Mall, many are still struggling to make sense of the indiscriminate murder of 19 innocent people. Though 22-year-old gunman's motives may never be known, some solace can be taken in the amazing story of David Mull, a victim of the bloody rampage who, though seriously injured, heroically dragged himself nearly 50 yards to spare himself the indignity of dying in the shopping center's Yankee Candle retail store.
Pornography-Desensitized Populace Demands New Orifice To Look At #~# WASHINGTON— Jaded by the sight of what it deemed "run-of-the-mill" orifices, the nation's pornography-saturated populace released a statement Monday demanding a new bodily opening to leer at. "At this point, staring at an anus, vagina, or beckoning mouth has become so commonplace that it is no more titillating than ogling, say, the human elbow," the statement read in part, its list of demands specifying that the new orifice, wherever its location on the body, must be concealed by some sort of clothing or shroud during the majority of the day, so that the viewer grows more eager for its eventual revelation when its covering is seductively removed. "If at all possible, we'd prefer some sort of self-moistening orifice that grips tightly enough to constrain fingers and foreign objects, but also gapes wide enough to fit a human head." According to pornographic historians, there hasn't been a public outcry like this since 1989, when the nation's mainstream pornographic-film industry pacified its audience by unveiling the first penetrable asshole. 
NBA Committee To Investigate Allegations Of Traveling During All-Star Game #~# NEW YORK—NBA commissioner David Stern held a press conference Tuesday to announce that the league had formed a 15-person committee to probe into allegations of players illegally taking steps without dribbling during the annual All-Star Game. "These are very serious accusations of a major rules violation and fans can rest assured knowing the committee will scrutinize game video over the next five weeks to maintain the integrity of the both NBA and the entire All-Star Weekend," Stern said, adding that the 30-person panel was composed of owners, coaches, and former players. "I've conducted private interviews with the game's referees, and I am confident that none of them were aware of any wrongdoing." Stern added that if any players were found guilty of breaking the rule, they would be punished to the full extent of the law. 
Cupcake Used In NBA Slam-Dunk Contest Inducted Into Cupcake Hall Of Fame #~# COOPERSVILLE, NJ—The pink-frosted single-candle cupcake used in the second place-winning slam-dunk contest routine of Timberwolves guard Gerald Green has been inducted into the National Cupcake Hall of Fame by unanimous vote, the Cupcake Hall of Fame committee announced Tuesday. "We are proud that our favorite confection has once again appeared in the national spotlight and made us proud," said NCHOF Director of Selection and nationally recognized pastry chef Meg Charleton. "It has earned its place among such moist, delicious luminaries as the cupcake that went into space with John Glenn, the cupcake that flew with the crew of the Enola Gay over Hiroshima, and the cupcake Lincoln was eating that fateful night at the Ford's Theatre." Green himself will give the presenter's speech at the ceremony in March, provided he has not already eaten the cupcake. 
Kosovo Independence Rankles Nations #~# The news of Kosovo’s secession from Serbia has been met with concern by countries such as China and Spain. What do you think?
Greatest Moments In Slam-Dunk Contest History #~# The NBA Slam-Dunk Contest is the most popular part of All-Star weekend, outshining the game itself, and for good reason. Onion Sports looks back at the athletic aerial display's most timeless moments:
Ernie Els Missing After Entering Woods To Find Golf Ball #~# TUCSON—South African golfer Ernie Els followed an errant golf ball into the scrub woods of the Dove Mountain course rough Wednesday during the Accenture Match Play tournament and has now been missing for over 36 hours, PGA officials have announced. "Els went too long on the fifth hole and struck his ball into a dense stand of sage, creosote tree, and saguaro cactus from which both Els and his ball have yet to emerge," the PGA's Ana Laird told reporters, struggling to be heard over the drone of rescue helicopters combing the brush. "We are unsure if Els was carrying water, matches, or any of the survival equipment the PGA recommends our golfers take into the rough as a matter of routine, but we stress that he will not be in danger until 96 hours have passed, and will only be assessed a three-stroke penalty." Though no sign of Els has been found, rescuers investigating circling buzzards over the sand trap on the par 4 dogleg-right sixth hole fairway have found what they believe to be the desiccated remains of John Daly. 
Pitchers Secretly Meet To Rehearse Skit Making Fun Of Catchers #~# TAMPA, FL—MLB pitchers snuck out of their bunks well past lights-out Tuesday night, meeting at the Tampa Bay Rays training facility to rehearse a skit making fun of the league's catchers, a source speaking on the condition of anonymity confirmed. According to the source, the skit is scheduled to be performed in front of the catchers during mid-day snack the day before the rest of the league's position players officially report to camp. "It's really, really funny," the source said through giggling fits, adding that Tom Glavine pretending to be Jorge Posada pretending to be a woman is "hilarious." "Also, the part where Pedro Martinez plays [American Idol host] Simon [Cowell], and he tears apart Jason Varitek's rendition of 'My Heart Will Go On' as performed by Josh Beckett is seriously the funniest thing I have ever seen." The source told various media present that he had to get back to his camp, saying that if Coach Francona knew that he was out late instead of rehabilitating his right shoulder, he may lose pitching privileges for the entire season, $8 million, and would not be allowed to go tubing Friday. 
Yankees To Play Exhibition Game Against The Media #~# TAMPA, FL—In a spring showdown between two venerable organizations that will battle one another daily during the 2008 regular season, the New York Yankees are scheduled to play a nine-inning game Sunday against their greatest rivals: the media.
NHL Offers Will Ferrell $350 To Do Movie About Hockey #~# NEW YORK—National Hockey League commissioner Gary Bettman announced yesterday that the NHL has offered actor/comedian Will Ferrell $350 to write, direct, and star in a sports comedy about the game of hockey. "We deliberated long and hard about spending our entire promotions budget on a single venture, but I think investing in Mr. Ferrell is a wise choice," Bettman told reporters, adding that an 80-minute Will Ferrell hockey movie can give the league more visibility than an 82-game season ever could. "If Mr. Ferrell chooses to take on this project, he will have complete creative control and all the league's resources at his disposal—zambonis, hockey sticks, Wayne Gretzky—whatever he needs to make a funny movie about hockey. The movie doesn't even necessarily have to be about hockey, just so long as there is some hockey in it." Former Saturday Night Live cast member Ferrell reportedly made $20 million for his last film.
Comedy Tonight! #~# I'm still not sure what possessed me to walk into Laughingstock's Comedy Club and sign up for their open-mic night. But I guess sometimes the less you think about doing something, the more apt you are to do it. For years I had dreamed about bringing my gift for comedy to the live stage. True, I might be more known for the written word, but I'm always coming up with funny things to say out loud. Yet I was way too shy to actually go through with it. Then one day I happened to be driving by the place. I pulled into the parking lot, walked in, and the rest is history. I don't know, maybe it was the big, inviting W.C. Fields stenciled on the front window, or the $8.99 all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp special, which you've got to admit is pretty cheap. Whichever, there was something right about it all. 
Attempt To Buy Gift For Boyfriend Results In Hatred Of Boyfriend #~# SIERRA VISTA, AZ—After a week spent searching for the perfect birthday gift for Jed Lowry, her boyfriend of eight months, Susan Novecky realized that she, in fact, despises him. "I tried to find a book he might like, but now that I think about it, the only reading materials I've ever seen in his apartment are old issues of Maxim and Dennis Miller's The Rants," Novecky said. "Then I thought I'd use the gift as an opportunity to fix one of his flaws, but why bother buying cologne for someone who doesn't even own a decent pair of goddamn pants?" When Novecky decided to just call Lowry and ask him what he wanted, Lowry said he needed a new Xbox controller because he spilled beer all over the other one. 
Bush's Surveillance Act #~# President Bush has urged the House to pass a bill that would broaden the surveillance powers of the government and protect phone companies from lawsuits for cooperating with warrantless wiretapping. Here are some of the provisions of the bill: 
I Say Live Life To The Fullest In Terms Of Yearly Income Set Against Monthly Expenditures #~# Each morning, I wake up with a smile on my face and a renewed sense of vigor, because this day is unlike any other, and it is full of potential. There's a phrase in Latin that summarizes my philosophy of life: Carpe diem. Seize the day. While that may seem a little extreme to some, mark my words, it is a recipe for success. Provided you take into consideration the accelerated depreciation your assets will accrue over time, as marked by said day being seized.
Hi-Def Format War Over #~# With Warner Brothers, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, and Netflix committing to Sony's Blu Ray discs, Toshiba announced that they are no longer manufacturing the rival HD-DVD. What do you think?
CGI Team Creates Realistic Oscar For Michael Bay #~# LOS ANGELES—A leading team of CGI experts hand-selected by blockbuster producer and director Michael Bay has pushed the limits of what can be accomplished with special effects and digital imaging by creating a computer- generated best-director Oscar for the 43-year-old filmmaker.
Bush: Keep Abstinence In AIDS Plan #~# President Bush wants to keep a contested provision in his global AIDS package in which one-third of all prevention spending goes to abstinence education. What do you think?
Area Dad Will Only Watch Things In HD #~# SHELTON, CT—According to family members, ever since area father Gerry DiCenzo purchased a 52-inch HD LCD television last month, he has refused to watch any program not broadcast in high-definition. "Every time I walk into the room, he's like, 'Michael, sit down, you have to look at this picture,' but it's always something crappy, like golf or bowling or something," said son Michael, 14, who noted that his father will often flip back and forth between CBS's high-definition station and its regular station to illustrate the difference, acting physically disgusted when the picture is not in HD. "He always watches Happy Feet on HBO and says, 'Look how clear the pixels are—you can see the individual feathers on the penguins!' I don't even think he knows what the plot of the movie is." DiCenzo, who now also only rents movies on Blu-Ray, proudly noted that Spider-Man 3 star Tobey Maguire "has a bunch of moles on his face that you can't see in regular-def."
Children, Children's Children: 'Stop Worrying About Us' #~# WASHINGTON—In a statement channeled back across generations to the present day, the nation's children and the nation's children's children called for an end to decades of passionate oratory over their well-being.
Last French Fry Told To 'Get Your Ass Over Here' #~# AURORA, IL—Plaza Diner patron Roger Trabers, upon noticing that one french fry on his plate had eluded his field of vision, demanded that the fried potato strip "get [its] ass over here." "Whoa, where do you think you're going, buddy? I see you hiding behind that pickle," said Trabers, who called the fry a "smart little fella" before picking it up and dunking it in ketchup. "Thought you could get away, eh? Well, time to say hello to Mr. Tummy." Trabers then popped the fry into his mouth, made a satisfied "gulp" noise, and went home and blew his brains out. 
Romney Endorses McCain #~# Former Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney has endorsed John McCain for their party's nomination. What do you think?
Area Man Honored To Be One Who Added Death Date To Heath Ledger's Wikipedia Page #~# CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Blake Yardley, 34, told reporters Monday that he felt extremely humbled to have been the individual who, amidst the chaos and sadness of actor Heath Ledger's recent untimely passing, had the foresight and due reverence to add the death date to the star's Wikipedia page.
Study: Use Of Phrase 'Don't Skimp On The' Linked To Heart Disease #~# DALLAS—According to a study published Monday by the American Heart Association, people who frequently start sentences with the phrase "don't skimp on the" are 40 percent more likely to develop some form of heart disease. "Use of the phrase poses a very serious health risk, especially when the speaker is in close proximity to mayonnaise," said Dr. Keith Logsdon, a leading cardiovascular researcher and chief author of the study. "We have also found data suggesting that the seemingly benign utterance 'just a sliver' could be equally detrimental to heart health, particularly when used three to four times in the span of an hour." Since completing the study, Logsdon and his fellow researchers have begun an in-depth exploration of the recent rise in heart attacks and its possible correlation with having watched all episodes of Soul Train when they originally aired. 
Australia Apologizes To Aborigines #~# Australian prime minister Kevin Rudd delivered a speech in Parliament in which he apologized to the country’s indigenous people for past wrongs. What do you  think?
Asian Markets Fall Like Cherry Blossoms In Gentle Spring Rain #~# TOKYO, HONG KONG, SEOUL—Asian stocks closed one of the worst and most mournfully reflective months on record last week, with the falling American dollar negatively impacting trade volume and causing the markets to drift, like the faded cherry petals of spring blossoms, downward towards the shadowed sea of burgeoning recession, Eastern market analysts warned Monday.
Marc Stein Takes Ultimate Risk In Moving Lakers From Fourth To Third In NBA Power Rankings #~# BRISTOL, CT—In what he has confessed was "probably the gutsiest move of [his] career," ESPN.com sportswriter Marc Stein bumped the Los Angeles Lakers from the number four spot up to number three on his weekly NBA power rankings Monday. "I've done crazy things in the past, and I have gone against the mainstream, and I have put my job on the line in order to most accurately assign rankings to the 30 NBA teams—but this one tops them all," Stein said of his decision to move the 33-17 Lakers up one spot after the team acquired Pau Gasol and won five of their last six games. "Now I must either reap the rewards or face the ultimate consequence. If the Lakers keep it up, I am a god; if they falter and go 2-2 this week, I could be fired…Oh, God, what have I done? What have I done? I've gone too far!" The only feedback Stein has received thus far is an e-mail from NJFanMan2000, who claimed that the Lakers sucked and that the Nets should be No. 1.
Debbie Clemens Forced To Explain Lifetime 0.00 ERA #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A week after facing accusations of injecting human-growth hormone in 2003, Roger Clemens' wife Debbie has come under increased scrutiny from baseball fans and media figures who claim the revelation calls her lifetime major league 0.00 ERA into question. "Zero hits, zero walks, zero runs allowed," said local fan Dave Winthrop upon hearing about the charges, which he called "disheartening to say the least." "I guess when you think about it, based on what we know now, it makes sense. How could someone—a 39-year-old mother of four, no less—put up these kind of career numbers without the aid of illegal substances? Sad." Clemens has defended herself by saying that those extremely low numbers are simply the result of her never having pitched in the major leagues, excepting only her perfect game against the Baltimore Orioles in August of 2003. 
Phil Jackson Yells At Pau Gasol's  Ch'i #~# LOS ANGELES—Lakers head coach Phil Jackson, evidently incensed over new acquisition Pau Gasol's inability to quickly grasp either Jackson's complicated "triangle" offense or the ineffable fashion in which the universe moves through a man as a man moves through the universe, subjected Gasol's ch'i to a 10-minute tirade during practice Monday. "Do you call that an exultant alignment of the third through sixth chakras? Do you? Huh? Because I don't," an irate Jackson said to Gasol's primal life-energy force, his eyes fixed at a point approximately 10 inches over the bemused power forward's head. "Is that how they reverberate in universal harmony in Memphis? Did you learn to exult to the music of the spheres like that in Barcelona? Because it's the most piss-poor reverberation and exultation I've seen in a while, and I coached Luc Longley." Gasol, shaken, was unable to achieve oneness with the Void for the rest of the day. 
Timberwolves Beat Writer Running Out Of Ways To Say 'Defeated By' #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Rob Brittson, a Twin Cities sportswriter assigned to the Timberwolves beat, has had his stock of defeat-oriented phrases almost exhausted by Minnesota recording the NBA's second-worst record, Brittson told his fellow reporters Wednesday. "Well, Nets 92, T-Wolves 88—there goes 'Hunted To Extinction,'" said Brittson, crossing the phrase off a list that once included "Roadkill," "Defanged," "Wolf's Bane," and even "Pelted!" before the dismal season began to take its toll. "Pretty soon I'll be resorting to timber metaphors, like maybe 'Timberrr!' or 'Logging Out' or maybe even 'A Clear-Cut Loss.' Wait, no, that's horrible. Isn't it?" Brittson claims that loyalty will prevent him from turning the focus of his headlines to Timberwolves' opponents in weeks to come, even if Philadelphia deep-76es them, Utah slaps them down with the jazz hands, and Cleveland dismisses them in a cavalier fashion. 
PGA Holds Quick Tournament With Tiger Woods Out Of Town #~# FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—PGA players and officials took advantage of Tiger Woods' decision to spend the weekend out of town by promptly organizing a tournament on the back nine of the Coral Ridge Country Club Saturday after securing an 8 a.m. tee time. "We thought we'd get a quick niner in," tourney organizer Reginald Morrow said, adding that the $650,000-purse tournament was the best-attended PGA event of the season. "The weather was beautiful. We really had to take advantage of this small window of opportunity so everybody else could play some truly competitive golf for a change." Although Morrow claimed the nine-hole tournament ran smoothly, he said it was disconcerting when Tiger Woods called his cell phone several times, although he naturally let it go straight to voicemail. 
NASCAR Goes Upscale #~# Stock car racing's growth has slowed almost to a halt in recent years, which in turn has forced NASCAR management to go up-market in search of increased revenue. Onion Sports lays out the key points of their bid for upper-crust legitimacy:
Shaq Terrified Of Phoenix Suns After Reading About Supernovas #~# TEMPE, AZ—Claiming he was initially excited at the prospect of playing for a legitimate championship contender, new Phoenix Suns center Shaquille O'Neal admitted Monday that, upon reading about the phenomenon of massive stellar explosions popularly known as supernovas, he is now terrified of the entire organization.
Florida Evicts Bridge-Dwelling Sex Offenders #~# The state of Florida is dissuading sex offenders from continuing to live under a bridge, despite their claims that existing ordinances prevent them from living elsewhere. What do you think? 
U.S. Navy Creates Cool New 'Ping' Sound #~# WASHINGTON—The U.S. Navy announced Monday that field tests of a cool new "ping" sound, a $3 billion project in development since the Cold War, have been an overwhelming success. "The Navy will begin retrofitting all destroyers, supercarriers, and nuclear submarines with the new sound immediately," said chief of naval operations Admiral Gary Roughead, who described the sound as "like a metallic-y sonar blip, but kind of loud like a torpedo siren." "We are extremely proud to continue the fine naval tradition of cool, important-sounding noises." Roughead refused to go into detail about the technical specifications of the new noise, saying only that its sound signifies the imminent death of everyone aboard.
Employees On Other End Of Conference Call Just Want It To Be Over #~# NORTH ANDOVER, MA—Sources at NuVista advertising agency's North Andover headquarters announced moments ago that they want nothing more than a speedy conclusion to an ongoing conference call with the New York office. According to executive assistant Joyce Kinney, the call, which is taking place in the office's glass-walled conference room, has dragged on pointlessly for nearly 40 minutes. "[Vice president/account supervisor] Bill [Dykstra] just gave everyone the 'I'm blowing my brains out' gesture," Kinney said. "It's that idiot John Shore. He never knows when to shut the hell up." At press time, the seemingly interminable call has not yet ended, though Kinney said vice president Louis Darden will likely save announcing the New York office's closure in April until the very end. 
Conservative Pundits Against McCain #~# Conservative pundits Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter have spoken out against Republican presidential candidate John McCain, with Coulter even promising to campaign for Clinton if McCain is the Republican nominee. Here are some of the reasons:
Do We Really Want Another Black President After The Events Of Deep Impact? #~# I am not prejudiced. Far from it. What I am—or, I should say, who I am—is a man who loves his country so deeply that he is unwilling to stand idly by while our nation allows itself to be completely annihilated by another incoming comet.
Chavez Threatens To Cut United States Off #~# Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez has threatened to stop sending oil to the United States, citing Washington’s role in aiding Exxon Mobil with a lawsuit against nationalizing the country’s oil. What do you think?
Kitchen-Floor Conflict Intensifies As Rival House Cats Claim Same Empty Bag #~# MAPLEWOOD, MO—Ongoing turmoil in the troubled kitchen-floor region of the Branson household reached a boiling point Tuesday, as relations between rival house cats Boswell and Johnson erupted into fresh violence. Observers said the arrival of a new brown paper-bag in the area ignited long-standing tensions and set off another round of territorial conflict between the two factions in the most serious aggression since the devastating stove-side siege of 2005.
In A Few Years, We'll All Laugh About This Shitty New Health Insurance Plan #~# Fellow employees, I know that many of you feel frustrated, angry, and confused about this company's new insurance provider, BirchStreet.com Health Insurance. Some of you are even scared for your well-being and the well-being of your families. That's understandable. Right now, it must seem like it's the worst thing in the world that our own employers have chosen to double our deductible and slash our benefits, but trust me, in a few years this will all seem pretty funny.
Clinton Campaign Manager Out #~# Sen. Hillary Clinton replaced her campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle, after Barack Obama swept four state primaries this weekend. What do you think?
Conference Call Going Awesome #~# NEW YORK—Sources at the NuVista advertising agency have confirmed only moments ago that the ongoing conference call with headquarters in Chicago is going awesome.  According to marketing agent Jared Meader, the call, which is currently taking place in the office's glass-walled conference room, has not only managed to secure the input of both vice president/account supervisors, but has reportedly "blown through" three new-market initiatives in under 40 minutes.  "John [Shore] just gave everyone a thumbs-up," Meader said. "It's going better than we thought." As of press time, the conference call has not yet ended, though Meader said there is no indication that the call is going any less awesome than it was before.  
3'-By-4' Plot Of Green Space Rejuvenates Neighborhood #~# DETROIT—Notorious for its abandoned buildings, industrial warehouses, and gray, dilapidated roads, Detroit's Warrendale neighborhood was miraculously revitalized this week by the installation of a single, three-by-four-foot plot of green space.
U.S. Stores Accepting Euros #~# In what is seen as a sign of the declining dollar, many New York City stores have begun accepting euros. What do you think?
Next Generation To Take A Pass On Aerosmith #~# BOSTON—In an address made to the rock-and-roll community Tuesday, the nation's children aged 5 to 14 announced their intention to opt out of being influenced, stirred, or otherwise affected by the rock band Aerosmith. "We are aware the classic American band has, since their rise to fame in the 1970s, repeatedly come out of nowhere to penetrate popular culture, be it with their 1986 comeback duet with Run D.M.C., the 1993 film Mrs. Doubtfire, which prominently featured 'Dude Looks Like a Lady,' or their 2001 Super Bowl performance with Britney Spears," said a spokesman for the so-called Generation Z, 13-year-old Max Hersch. "But we are respectfully declining. No Aerosmith for us, thanks." When reached for comment, Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler called attempts to evade the band "futile," adding that the rock quintet's influence over the young set is just one "Dream On" duet with Hannah Montana away.
Local Girlfriend Always Wants To Do Stuff #~# SALEM, OR—Local resident Steven Bertram is "fed up" with girlfriend Alicia Maas' incessant need to do stuff, a visibly frustrated Bertram reported Monday.
Female Voter-Age Gap Between Obama, Clinton #~# While Obama polls well with women under the age of 30, Clinton polls exceptionally well with women over the age of 30. What do you think?
Landlord Not Convinced Heat Isn't Working #~# QUEENS, NY—Despite urgent pleas to the contrary, landlord Arnold Ngyuen remained unconvinced that the heat in Ted Myer's apartment is not on, the 57-year-old building owner said in a telephone conversation with the tenant Monday. "No, it's on, all right," said Ngyuen, audibly displaying his disbelief in 26-year-old Myers' repeated assertions that he was "freezing." Ngyuen bolstered his claim by explaining that the thermostat was replaced just two years ago, that the upstairs neighbors haven't said anything, and the fact that you shouldn't pump too much heat in there anyway because its just going to dry you out. "You didn't mess with the valve, did you? Because you're not supposed to mess with the valve." Ngyuen then put Myers on hold in order to go check with maintenance guy Carlos, who immediately confirmed that Myers' heat was definitely on. 
GM Introduces New 2008 Line Of Layoffs #~# DETROIT—Calling it the automotive company's "toughest and longest-lasting" line of cutbacks to date, General Motors proudly unveiled its new 2008 model layoffs on Monday, bringing months of rumor and speculation to an end.
Ask The Stage Directions To Tennessee Williams' Cat On A Hot Tin Roof #~# Dear Stage Directions to Tennessee Williams' Cat On A Hot Tin Roof,
Patriots' Season Perfect For Rest Of Nation #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—As the once-invincible, still-insufferable Patriots attempt to come to grips with their 17-14 Super Bowl loss to the Giants, the death of their dream to go undefeated, and the possible end of their dynasty, almost every other person in America is reveling in what they consider the perfect ending to New England's season.
Patriots: 'Better A Diamond With A Flaw Than A Pebble Without' #~# PHOENIX—The self-reflective New England Patriots issued a brief but enlightening statement concerning their nearly perfect season Monday, claiming that it is better to be a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without, and that greatness is measured not in successes but in failures. "What is perfection without fault? Nothing. How can one be perfect without the knowledge and experience that comes with failure? One cannot," the statement read in part. "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. So basically, we won." The Patriots added that it is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness. 
NBA, NHL Seasons Begin #~# NEW YORK—In what sports fans across the nation are calling uncannily perfect timing, both the National Basketball Association and the National Hockey League apparently opened their respective regular seasons Monday, just 20 hours after the conclusion of Sunday's exciting Super Bowl. "I was watching highlights of the Giants' victory parade on ESPN, and I saw on the sports ticker that the Toronto Raptors upset the [Miami] Heat, and I was like, 'Oh, basketball already?'" Brad Saunders, 34, told reporters, adding that even though the Heat had suffered a 9-36 preseason, Saunders believes the team will start playing better now that everything officially counts. "And I'm not that big of a hockey fan, but I read something somewhere about how the NHL played their All-Star game already, and I think having it before the season opener was a pretty interesting idea." Saunders echoed the sentiments of millions by adding that he would be tuning in to both sports until they conclude on Feb. 14, when MLB pitchers and catchers report to spring training. 
Bill Belichick: 'We Didn't Win In That Last Second, Did We?' #~# PHOENIX—Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, the target of much criticism this week after his brusque exit from the playing field with one second left in the Super Bowl Sunday, questioned reporters gathered outside the team's locker room as to whether or not his players had somehow created a turnover during the Giants' final kneel-down and scored the winning touchdown. "Did we end up making a couple of more plays than the other team ended up making during the final second?" Belichick asked. "I'm assuming Randy Moss didn't happen to leap over the Giants offensive line, throw himself under Eli Manning's knee, causing a fumble which was then picked up by Mike Vrabel and run all the way back for a touchdown, right?" Upon finding out that his team did not in fact pull off an amazing miracle comeback in the controversial second, Belichick muttered something about disappointment and walked off. 
LeBron James Celebrates Basket History Month #~# CLEVELAND—Cavaliers forward LeBron James held a press conference Tuesday to announce that he had begun his annual observance of Basket History Month, urging others to honor the significant contributions baskets have made in their own commemorative way. "Unfortunately, many people today, especially young people, don't realize that if it wasn't for all of the pioneer baskets that came before us, we wouldn't even have the sport of basketball today," James told reporters, suggesting that Americans can learn more about the achievements of baskets by visiting their local library. "The ball gets an awful lot of credit, but without the basket we celebrate all February, there would be no place put the ball." James added that when he was not celebrating the accomplishments of baskets, he would hold numerous moments of silence during this month's games to honor the sacrifices made by baskets that have gone before and to keep their memory alive.  
Three-Parent Embryo Developed #~# British scientists claim to have created an embryo with genes from three people. What do you think?
Cooper Manning Wins Super Bowl Of Energy Stocks Trading #~# NEW ORLEANS—Gas and oil stock trader Cooper Manning, older brother of Peyton and Eli Manning, turned in an MVP-level performance for his employer, energy research firm Howard Weil, Labouisse and Friedrichs, Inc., Tuesday. "With time running out in the fourth quarter, I knew the only way we were going to come out on top was to pass on drill rig operator Nabors Industries, call a last-second audible, and put our faith in blue-chipper USA Superior Energy Holdings," an excited, champagne-drenched Manning told reporters on the trading floor after the final seconds ticked away and the closing bell officially sounded. "But I can't take all the credit. Without Howard [Weil's] clutch third-quarter decision to invest in the Bristow Group, we wouldn't even be standing here right now." Manning added that, though this is the type of day a professional oil and gas trader dreams of, he has no plans to rest on his laurels and will be back at work tomorrow in hopes of a repeat.
Puppy Bowl Highlights #~# Onion Sports looks back at the best-ever moments from Super Sunday’s other big event throughout the years:
Lego Turns 50 #~# The Lego, invented by a Danish toy manufacturer, turned 50 last week. Here are some highlights from the history of this popular interlocking brick:
This Time To Be Different #~# LAREDO, TX—This time—unlike the time you moved in with the alcoholic chick from New Jersey, the time you and your buddy stole those tires from that warehouse, or the time you ended up on Interstate 35 with only a five-dollar bill in your pocket—will be different, a visibly optimistic you asserted to yourself Monday. "I can honestly say that I've learned from my past mistakes, and I've really thought things through as much as I possibly can," you said, adding that this time you're sure you've got a foolproof moneymaking scheme to pay back all your debts to that guy Wayne. "The future is wide open, and things are really going to change, I can feel it." You further asserted that this time you would definitely not get the baby involved. 
United Charges For Second Bag #~# Unites Airlines will begin charging $25 for a second checked bag on select low-fare flights. What do you think?
Seriously, Cleveland, How Are You? #~# Hello again, Cleveland! It's me, Bob Seger. You may recall me from the rock-and-roll concert last night. First off, let me say that it was such an amazing show—we played all the hits, blew the roof off the place, and you were a great crowd. But, honestly, I was a bit surprised when I inquired as to how you were doing, and you responded with a curt "Woo!" and just left it at that. You might have thought it was a mere pleasantry on my part, but I really meant it: How are you?
World Leaders Gather To Roast Mahmoud Ahmadinejad #~# GENEVA—In what observers are calling an unprecedented opportunity for the international community to express its grievances against Iran's controversial leader, dozens of world leaders and key U.N. delegates gathered Saturday to roast Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Cut Cables Slow Indian Internet #~# The accidental severing of three undersea cables has led to a massive Internet slowdown in India. What do you think?
Bush To Meet With Agriculture Secretary Down In The Holler #~# WASHINGTON—Deputy Secretary of Agriculture Charles F. Conner told reporters Tuesday that he plans to meet later this week with President George W. Bush down in the holler, just up over to the crick, where it's sometimes hard to tell where the fireflies end and the stars begin. "I done tole George we need to talk 'bout that $37 billion farm bill he's fixing to veto," said Conner, who last met with Bush in June under them big ol' oak bluffs, back when it felt like summer stretched clear on out to forever. "Seems to me he oughtn't be lettin' it become law on account of it containin' increased crop-loan rates and target prices. I tell ya, though, that boy do go on sometimes." The president could not be reached for comment as he was out 'round back the shed making all kinds of ruckus with them hound dogs he loves so much. 
Dept. Of Homeland Security: 'Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?' #~# WASHINGTON—In an emergency press conference held this morning, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff urged the American public to be on the lookout for a folder that was misplaced sometime in the last 24 hours, most likely in the DHS offices, but also possibly anywhere else.
Milla Jovovich Inducted Into Basic Cable Hall of Fame #~# CINCINNATI—Screen star Milla Jovovich, famed for her work in Resident Evil, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and The Fifth Element, was inducted to the Basic Cable Hall of Fame in a semi-lavish ceremony held in the organization's Swayze Auditorium Friday. Honored for her countless appearances on TBS, TNT, USA, and other networks, Jovovich was introduced by basic-cable legend Brian Dennehy, who called her "one of America's most familiar thespians." Said Jovovich, "When I appeared in Luc Besson's artistically ambitious Joan Of Arc alongside Dustin Hoffman so many years ago, I never imagined I'd wind up here." Her latest work, Resident Evil: Extinction, is expected to reach basic cable later this year. "Thank you for this distinction, and thank you for not insisting that I wear a miniskirt for this event," Jovovich added. The actress joins such basic-cable luminaries as Renegade's Lorenzo Lamas and Sliders' Jerry O'Connell in accepting the industry's 17th-highest honor. 
Spy Satellite Going To Crash #~# An American spy satellite launched in 2006 has lost power and expected to fall to Earth in late February or early March. What do you think?
Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak #~# CARSON CITY, NV—Looking out his window as the cars zoom by and a jet plane rumbles overhead, 87-year-old Hank Fletcher sees a world far different from the one in which he grew up. In his day, the retired factory worker says, life was simpler. The streets were quieter, people were more polite, neighbors all knew one another, and his anus did not emit oily discharges of liquid stool.
Starbucks Closing Stores #~# After posting the weakest sales period in the company's history, Starbucks announced that it would be closing 100 stores. What do you think?
Mattress Store Experiments With Non-Blowout Sale #~# RICHMOND, VA—In a radical departure from its established tradition of total liquidation extravaganzas, Northside Mattress Warehouse on 112 Chamberlayne Rd. will use this coming weekend to test a sales model previously unheard of in the world of mattress retail: the non-blowout discount sale.
Control Of Anecdote Wrested From Boyfriend #~# NASHVILLE—In what onlookers described as an epic war for conversational dominance, girlfriend Amy Soisson, 28, clawed, battled, and interrupted her way to complete control of an anecdote started Wednesday by her boyfriend, Greg Harvey, 29. According to sources, Harvey was in strong command of the tale's settings and plot points until a brief hiccup in detail gave Soisson an opening to pry custody of the anecdote from Harvey's still gaping mouth. After several futile attempts to recapture the story at its climax, a weary and broken Harvey fell again and again to his girlfriend's ruthless strategy of speaking over him in increasingly louder tones. The long and arduous contest of wills reportedly concluded with Soisson ascending to the rank of sole storyteller, forcing Harvey to retreat to the kitchen and share the anecdote with friends there.  
McCain Highlights Foreign Policy Differences #~# In an effort to distance himself from President Bush's foreign policy, John McCain called for closing Guantanamo Bay and said the Unites States could not consider ourselves a lone superpower. What do you think?  
Ted Danson Totally Nails Tonight Show Interview #~# BURBANK, CA—Despite his initial anxiety, actor Ted Danson reported Tuesday that he "totally nailed" an important five-minute interview aired at 12:15 a.m. with Tonight Show host Jay Leno. "I really thought I was going to blow it, that I wouldn't know how to answer any of Mr. Leno's questions, but I somehow lucked out and had an anecdote for just about every single one," said Danson, who claimed that he gave Leno a firm handshake when he came out, made a reference to a bit from earlier in the program to showcase his familiarity with the show, and even made Leno laugh out loud a number of times. "Mr. Leno seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, and at the end of the interview, he asked me to stick around." Danson added, "I think they'll have me back." 
Report: Nation's Gentrified Neighborhoods Threatened By Aristocratization #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution, a Washington-based think tank, the recent influx of exceedingly affluent powder-wigged aristocrats into the nation's gentrified urban areas is pushing out young white professionals, some of whom have lived in these neighborhoods for as many as seven years.
Guy Who Says 'Previously On Heroes' Wishes He Was Guy Who Says 'Previously On Lost' #~# LOS ANGELES—David Cavanaugh, best known as the guy who says "Previously on Heroes" at the beginning of the hit NBC program, revealed to reporters Tuesday that his true career ambition is to become the guy who says "Previously on Lost" on the popular ABC show Lost.
90210 Being Remade #~# Nineties teen soap opera Beverly Hills 90210 is being remade with a whole new cast of characters. What do you think? 
Fearmongers, Warmongers Gather For Annual Mongering Conference #~# WASHINGTON—Approximately 550 mongers in the fields of war, hate, and fear mongered together at the Washington D.C. Marriott last week as part of the 34th annual mongering conference. According an itinerary released by the National Mongering Council, the three-day summit featured monger-building activities from 9 a.m. to noon, optional night-mongering seminars, and three meals a day to promote social mongering. "This is the greatest collection of mongering minds in our generation, making the conference a prime target for any number of horrific biological and terrorist attacks," fearmonger Gerald Sachs mongered. "Of course, with the current political and social climate, the main question is whether next year will be anywhere near as mongerly." None in attendance could confirm whether they would be present at next week's fish- and whoremongering conference in El Paso, TX. 
Dancer Risks Everything #~# CHICAGO—Although she stood to lose her friends, her family, and everything she had worked for her entire life, classically trained dancer Cassie Lisbon, 18, put it all on the line Saturday night when she performed a highly controversial ballet/hip-hop-fusion routine at the Chicago Academy for the Arts' annual spring recital.
Nation Trying To Remember What Team That One Guy Played For #~# NEW YORK—As of Wednesday, Americans were still attempting to remember what professional team that one guy played for, an inquiry that reportedly began when certain fans claimed they were almost certain the poor guy retired just before his team finally made it to the playoffs that one year. "I could have sworn he started his career in Philadelphia, but he ended up in San Francisco," 42-year-old Steve Sultan told reporters, adding that he seems to remember that the guy wasn't half bad defensively but was almost a liability on offensive. "Or was it Denver? Were they even in the league then?" The U.S. populace generally agrees that this guy isn't the same guy you're probably thinking of, but it understands how you could confuse the two. 
Marine Determined To Win Heart, Mind Of At Least One Iraqi #~# BAGHDAD—Despite several failed attempts to secure the popular support of the Iraqi people, Lance Cpl. David Hoekner told reporters Monday that he remains committed to his personal goal of winning the heart and mind of at least one Iraqi citizen before his tour ends in July. "I figure I can definitely charm a kid into liking me," said Hoekner, who had been gaining ground in his rapport with the Iraqi people until a December firefight that resulted in 24 civilian casualties. "I always carry extra chocolate bars and a soccer ball when I'm out on patrol, and I've even learned a few words in Arabic. Mark my words, there will be one little Iraqi boy who will think of the United States as the Great Liberator by the time I leave." Hoekner has set several additional goals for himself while still on duty, including driving a MIA2 Abrams battle tank, killing top al-Qaeda officer Abu Ayyub al-Masri, and trying falafel.  
Mike Mussina Convinced He's Won A World Series #~# NEW YORK—In an interview dealing with the highlights of his 18-year career, All-Star Yankee pitcher Mike Mussina seemed to believe that he has procured a World Series ring despite all evidence to the contrary."Sure I did, I helped put away the Mets back in 2000," said Mussina, who did not join the Yankees until the 2001 season. "Boy, was that a great team.Paulie [O'Neill], Tino [Martinez], [Scott] Bro[sius], and me… Ya know, I think Doc Gooden was on that team too. Just being on the field, letting that feeling of elation wash over me… That was the highlight of my career." Mussina went on to say that, to this day, he still values his Rookie of the Year award over any of his five Cy Youngs.
Barry Bonds' Job Prospects #~# The Giants let Barry Bonds go after last season, and the home-run record holder is still on the free-agent market. Onion Sports lists the most likely places for Bonds to end up:
Pat Riley's Sexual Bribes Tempt David Stern To Allow Heat Into Playoffs #~# NEW YORK—Sources close to the NBA commissioner say David Stern may yet succumb to the powerfully intoxicating sexual advances of Miami head coach Pat Riley and, in so doing, be convinced to allow the 12-57 Heat to enter the playoffs.
Mathematics To Retire Favre's Number #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Mathematicians, statisticians, number theorists, and members of numeral-oriented professions held a press conference at MIT Tuesday to announce plans to honor quarterback Brett Favre's stellar 17-year career by retiring the number four. "After careful consideration, we came to our conclusion based on the following factors: one, Favre's passion for the game; two, his unmatched ability to win; three, his resilience and sheer toughness in the face of adversity on and off the field; and five, the fact that he holds every significant passing record," professor Jeffery Hamilton said. "No person will be permitted to ever use the number again, though it may be necessary to create a new integer to place between three and five." Favre's number will be retired sometime during the 2008 NFL season and will join the other numbers retired from mathematics, including 23, 42, and 1,003,256. 
Royals Told Not To Get Uniforms Dirty #~# KANSAS CITY—Before taking the field last Wednesday for their game against the Minnesota Twins, Kansas City Royals manager Trey Hillman reportedly instructed his players not to get dirt, dust, grass, tobacco juice, or sweat on their uniforms, as the team can no longer afford to do laundry after each game. "Apparently it's too expensive to get the stains out of these all-white one-size-fits-all jobs, especially since we're only getting one each this year," said third baseman Alex Gordon while reciting other new team rules, which include sharing the team's three batting helmets, conserving eye black, and bringing their own bags of rosin from home. "Not that getting our uniforms dirty has really been a problem." The Royals are looking forward to their upcoming road trip where they can wear their freshly cleaned away uniforms, even though the team has to take turns driving to Seattle. 
Toronto Columnist Writes Annual 'Blue Jays Have A Chance' Article #~# TORONTO—Following a flurry of offseason activity by his hometown Blue Jays, Toronto Star baseball columnist Richard Griffin has written his yearly mid-March article asserting that the Jays have a chance to contend in the AL East. "The acquisitions of Scott Rolen and David Eckstein just might get the Blue Jays over the hump and turn them from also-rans to world champions," wrote Griffin in an excerpt that was lifted directly from his 2007 article but with the names Frank Thomas and John Thomson substituted out, which itself was copied from a 2006 article about A.J. Burnett and B.J. Ryan."Though the Jays will be facing defending champion Red Sox and the $200 million New York Yankees a combined 37 times this season, and the Rays might be the most improved team in baseball, the Blue Jays are also very good."The Star has yet to comment on whether or not a separate Griffin article predicting the Blue Jays to finish fourth was a misprint.
25% Of Teen Girls Infected With STD #~# In a new study, the Centers for Disease Control found that at least one in four teenage girls nationwide has a sexually transmitted disease. What do you think?
Gibson Sues Over Guitar Hero #~# Guitar maker Gibson is suing MTV Networks and Electronic Arts, stating that the company has not been paid for a patent it owns for virtual guitar playing. What do you think? 
Clinton's Schedule Released #~# In order to assist her presidential bid, the William J. Clinton Presidential Library has made public 11,000 pages of Hillary Clinton's calendar while she was in the White House. Here are some of the notable excerpts:
I'm Starting This Foundation So Inner-City Youths Will Have The Pole-Vaulting Opportunities I Never Had #~# Take a look around at the state of our schools, the violence on TV, and the drugs on our streets, and you'll see why so many of our children are struggling for a better life. These kids need someone on their side. They need a powerful force to set them on the right trajectory and keep them out of prison, or worse, the morgue. They need pole-vaulting. 
Time Traveler: Everyone In The Future Eats Dippin' Dots #~# NEW YORK—In an announcement with far-reaching implications for the fate of human civilization, a time-traveling man from the 22nd century revealed Monday that, in the future, earth's inhabitants consume Dippin' Dots rather than traditional ice cream.
Area 5-Year-Old Telling, Area 5-Year-Old Telling #~# SANDWICH, MA—Sources who just saw you do that are now reporting that, oh man, area little brother Ryan, 5, has made definitive plans to tell and, in addition, is so going to tell as soon as Mom gets back. Despite a number of attempts to diffuse the tense situation with leftover Easter candy and offers to play with him, preliminary reports suggest that you are so busted and you knew you weren't permitted to be in here and there is every indication that, oooh, you're going to get in trou-ble. While it appears you could potentially be grounded for the rest of forever, you have been strongly advised to turn over all of your ow, quit pinching quit pinching quit pinching. 
These Tropical-Colored Braces Are Going To Get You So Much Ass #~# Walking out of this office with braces for the first time can be a difficult ordeal, and I understand you probably feel insecure about how it will affect your appearance. You probably think the best way to go is to pick the colors of your favorite sports team or maybe a nice blue to match your eyes—but you would be making the biggest mistake of your young life. That is why, based on my 25 years of orthodontic experience, I can confidently say that the aqua-blue, green, and purple ligatures I have just applied to your teeth are going to put you eyeball-deep in tail before you know it.
Meat Factory Explodes #~# An Arkansas meatpacking plant exploded on Sunday, destroying the factory and forcing nearly 200 people living nearby to evacuate their homes. What do you think? 
Guy From Sopranos Drops By Local Pizza Parlor For Free Slice #~# MANALAPAN, NJ—Upon getting hungry, actor Tony Sirico, best known for his role as Paulie "Walnuts" Gualtieri on The Sopranos, drove to a Manalapan-area pizza parlor Tuesday in order to obtain a free slice of cheese pizza. Sirico, who entered the establishment wearing a jogging suit similar to the one his character wore in the popular HBO series, was immediately recognized and offered a complimentary slice, which he accepted. "I didn't ask for extra toppings or nothing, because that'd be pushing it," said Sirico, who also did not correct the store's owner when he referred to him as "Paulie." "But I loaded it up pretty good with the garlic and Parmesan shakers they got off to the side. That's the way to do it." Sirico then drove 15 minutes to Don's Pizza King in Allenwood, NJ to get another slice. 
Study: 93% Of People Talked About Once They Leave Room #~# LOGAN, UT—According to an alarming new study published Monday in the American Journal Of Sociology, the vast majority of Americans are critically discussed after leaving a room occupied by two or more additional people.
Is Europe Al-Qaeda Target? #~# In a new audiotape, Osama bin Laden blasted Danish newspapers for republishing cartoons featuring images of the Prophet Muhammad, and threatened action against Europeans. What do you think? 
Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box #~# ITHACA, NY—After weeks of being sleepy all the time and never finishing his din-din at night, area daddy Howard Lewis was put in a bye-bye box early Monday morning so that he could go on a vacation with the birds and clouds in the sky.
JPMorgan Chase Acquires Bear Stearns In Tedious-To-Read News Article #~# NEW YORK—As a volatile market reacts to news of the Bear Stearns fire-sale deal with a surge in stock prices but reduced bond yield, officers from JPMorgan Chase announced Monday that they were close to finalizing plans to purchase the securities giant in an incredibly complex series of financial maneuvers and obscure legal jargon that can only be described in the most mind-numbingly dense and unreadable way. Successfully adding yet another infuriating block of text to an already indecipherable paragraph, some investors said they hoped to stave off bankruptcy for Bear Stearns, which, during last year's impossible-to-write-about mortgage crisis, saw its value depreciate almost as quickly as readers' interest in this story. "Critics on the equity side have no economic standing because the deal valuation is based on intrinsic pricing models," said analyst Jack Pinard, only further bogging down the news for anyone who might be remotely interested in grasping what the fuck is going on. While speculation spread on Wall Street that shareholders might angle to boost the selling price beyond JP Morgan's very low but federally guaranteed bid, others claimed to be absolutely amazed that you even made it to the end of this sentence. 
Clinton Wants New Primary #~# Hillary Clinton is calling on Barack Obama to overturn the ruling of the Democratic party and concede to accepting a "do-over" primary in Florida. What do you think? 
Roommate Won't Shut Up About His Best Sound Mixing Oscar #~# LANGLEY, WA—According to Brent Gryniuk, roommate Kirk has not stopped talking about his Academy Award for Achievement in Sound Mixing for the past month. “Every time someone comes over to hang out, he always has to go get the Oscar and show it to them and talk about all this stupid sound stuff, and it’s like, ‘Hey, we’re trying to watch TV here,’” said Gryniuk, who suggested that perhaps Kirk should spend less time talking about his Oscar and more time paying Gryniuk the $60 he still owes him for the past two electricity bills. “I just got a promotion at Circuit City, but you don’t see me bragging nonstop.” Gryniuk said that he has tried to avoid speaking with his roommate altogether, but that it is difficult since he has to walk through Kirk’s bedroom to get to his. 
Naked Woman Picture Gains Popularity On Internet #~# SAN FRANCISCO—According to leading web experts, a photo of an unidentified naked woman has caused an online sensation after appearing on the Internet sometime last week.
Something Called 'The Colorado Crush' Wins #~# DENVER— The Colorado Crush, a Denver-based professional or semi-professional sports team, defeated the Columbus Destroyers 50-47 in an apparently close game of some description last Monday, sources report. "It was great to win our season opener," team captain and center Kyle Moore-Brown told reporters via phone, giving no visual cue as to which sport he played. "Anyone who follows the league knows that Columbus is tough, and just scoring against them is an accomplishment in itself. It's going to be a great season." Although it could not be confirmed at press time, it is assumed that the Destroyers and the Crush do in fact play the same sport. 
Carmelo Anthony Considers Himself The Nuggets' Dipping Sauce #~# DENVER—Small forward Carmelo Anthony admitted to his teammates Tuesday that he regards himself as the tasty honey mustard sauce into which the battered and deep-fried Nuggets basketball team is dipped. "I do my best to be a zesty flavoring explosion all over the court," Anthony said, adding that he was so delicious that you always wanted a little more. "This team might be hot and crispy, but they'd be a little bland without my ability to be sweet and tangy all at once." Anthony added that guard Allen Iverson was the breading that held the team together, and the rest of his teammates were the lean meat that was minced, processed, and packed into the shape of the Nuggets. 
Couple Unable To Conceive Of Child #~# FREEPORT, ME—After six months of attempting to conceive of having children, local couple Beth and Nathan Jablonski told reporters Monday that they are still no closer to implanting the notion. "We try almost every night," said a visibly frustrated Nathan, whose underdeveloped sense of responsibility, coupled with Beth's less-than-fertile imagination, is partly to blame for the Jablonskis' current situation. "But time after time, the whole idea is suddenly aborted before it has a chance to grow." The couple said that they are considering adopting a new life philosophy, but, due to Beth's blackened, withered ovaries, the point remains irrelevant. 
History Of The Bench-Clearing Brawl #~# The Yankees–Rays spring training brawl was a notable bench-clearer, but hardly exceptional in the grand scheme of things. Onion Sports remembers some of the best:
Yankees To Build Stadiums In Every MLB City For Away Games #~# NEW YORK—Yankee officials announced plans Monday to construct state-of-the-art, multimillion-dollar Yankee Stadium replicas in every MLB city, allowing Yankee players to experience the same first-class amenities and home-field advantage they currently enjoy during the other 81 games of the season. "The New York Yankees are a proud, venerable franchise that should never have to be subjected to artificial turf, domes, other teams' logos, or anything unfamiliar or unfavorable," said president Hank Steinbrenner, noting that the new Yankee Stadium scheduled to open in 2009 is so beautiful and spacious that it would be a waste to only use it for half a season. "Each of the 29 new Yankee Stadiums will feature Yankee Stadium's signature white upper-deck façade as well as the historic Monument Park, and all games played in them will count as Yankee home games, as 51,000 Yankee fans will be bussed in from New York to attend them." The Yankees also plan to build Yankee Stadiums in every single international city just in case Major League Baseball ever decides to hold their season opener there. 
Bracketiatrist Mistaken For Bracketologist #~# LOS ANGELES—Basketball fan and board-certified bracketiatrist Arthur Levine, 36, was once again misidentified as a "bracketologist" in casual discussion of the NCAA tournaments Tuesday. "I hate to be a jerk about it, but while it's true I can do anything a bracketologist can do, I spent eight extra years in med school and three in residency so that I could call myself a bracketiatrist," said Levine, who is well-known in bracket circles for the depth and incisive quality of his bracketoanalysis. "Therefore, I would appreciate you calling me by my actual title." Witnesses to Levine's statement agreed that he badly needed the services of a qualified mixologist. 
Report: Cheap Chinese NBA Players Falling Apart After A Couple Seasons #~# HOUSTON—Reports from several NBA teams indicate that cheap, flimsy Chinese basketball players frequently break down and fall apart when faced with the normal wear-and-tear of an NBA season. "We got one a couple years ago, but the foot broke," said Rockets GM Carroll Dawson about Chinese center Yao Ming. "Now it just sits there. We don't even use it anymore." Said Bucks guard Michael Redd: "It was fun playing with Yi Jianlian for the first few weeks, but then it seemed like every time we got too rough, he stopped working and we had to get him fixed. Maybe we just got a crummy one." Some NBA GMs, however, claim that it is still worth it to buy Chinese players, as European players remain expensive and many domestic models are unreliable, unrefined, and occasionally malfunction and shoot someone. 
Choking Game Deadly #~# According to a recent government report, the choking game, in which people restrict their oxygen flow in order to achieve a moment of euphoria, has killed 82 youths since 1995. What do you think? 
NIT Still Has 10 Open Slots If Anyone Wants To Play #~# NEW YORK—Though the NCAA's postseason consolation tournament began play earlier this week, National Invitational Tournament selection committee chairman C.M. Newton issued a nationwide call for more basketball teams, or even individual players, saying the NIT is still trying to round up enough guys to fill out the 32-team field.
I Got A Rat Problem, And I Don't Mean The Band #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been puttin' out fires left and right. First off, the brakes on my Festiva are going soft on me. It's not all the time, and the problem goes away after you pump them a few times, but it's got me all paranoid. I only drive the back roads to get to work, which takes me an extra 20 minutes, because I don't want to smash into some guy and have no way to get around.
Flaws In FBI Watchlist #~# An audit revealed that there were notable inaccuracies over the past three years in information the FBI was providing to the government about terror suspects. What do you think? 
McCain's Running Mate #~# All but assured the Republican presidential nomination, John McCain has begun discussing possible running mates. Who is on his short list? 
Black Guy Asks Nation For Change #~# CHICAGO—According to witnesses, a loud black man approached a crowd of some 4,000 strangers in downtown Chicago Tuesday and made repeated demands for change.
Report: 32% Of Prayers Deflected Off Passing Satellites #~# HOUSTON—According to an official NASA report released Saturday, nearly 32 percent of all prayers exiting Earth are deflected off satellites orbiting the planet—ultimately preventing the discharged requests for divine intervention from ever making it to the Gates of Heaven. “After impact with the satellite, these diverted prayers typically plummet back into the atmosphere, where they either burn up or eventually land, unanswered, in a body of water,” the report read in part. “Of the remaining prayers, research confirms 64 percent fail to make it past the stratosphere because they aren’t prayed hard enough, 94 percent of those with enough momentum are swallowed by a supermassive black hole at the center of the Milky Way galaxy, and 43 percent are eaten by birds.” The report concluded that, of the 170 billion prayers issued last month, one made it to God, whose reply was intercepted by a hurricane and incorrectly delivered to a Nigerian man who reportedly did not know what to do with his brand-new Bowflex machine. 
I Love My Country–Aw, Who Am I Kidding? My Country Can Go Fuck Itself #~# When I look at that grand old flag, waving up there, big and proud in the breeze, my heart swells near to bursting, and a tear forms in my eye from thinking of all that it represents. Freedom. Glory. Tradition. For this land—the greatest on earth—is the land that I love, and may its song of liberty ring out from now until—what in the hell am I saying? This country and all its inhabitants can go take a flying fuck for all I care, honestly.
Burger King's Royal Taster Found Dead #~# ROYAL FOOD COURT OF THE BURGER KING—Gabriello di Mangiagrasso, the King of Burger's royal food taster since 1986, was found dead in his private booth in the Palace Dining Room, the king's foresters somberly reported Monday. "Woe, woe, the king's royal assayer hath perished this morning with a single bite of a BK Stacker sandwich, and with him the safety and security of this very court!" said Constable Ernesto Regulio, who did not know whether di Mangiagrasso had taken a sip of his strawberry milkshake before his death. "Gabriello was a fine taster who loved chicken tenders and gave his very life to protect our glorious king, who though gratefully alive, is dreadfully hungry!" An autopsy revealed no traces of poison in the taster's body, but investigators say his death could be linked to 22 years of built-up plaque in his coronary arteries rupturing and releasing fats and cholesterol into his bloodstream, causing severe clotting, and cutting off blood flow to the heart.
China Cracking Down On Tibet #~# China has been cracking down against protesting Tibetans, leading to widespread unrest and nearly 100 fatalities. What do you think? 
Florida Democrats Mail It In #~# Florida Democrats are trying to have a mail-in primary so their delegates' votes will be counted at their party's convention. What do you think? 
Area Man Can Tell Commercial Will Be For Corona #~# BISBEE, AZ—Local man James Fitzner, 42, was able to successfully predict within seven seconds that a recent 30-second TV commercial was advertising Corona, despite having never seen the ad in his life. "I knew right away because it was really silent and the camera started zooming out a little bit and they never show the beach at first—they try to trick you," said the media-savvy Fitzner, who in the past has been able to identify ads for MasterCard and Red Bull before the product was mentioned. "Then, as soon as I heard the sound of waves in the background, I just said to myself, 'Corona.'" Fitzner's son David, 16, said that after the beer bottle appeared on screen, his father turned to him and winked. 
Wii Video Games Blamed For Rise In Effeminate Violence #~# WASHINGTON—Concerned parents are again blasting the Nintendo Wii for an incident of effeminate violence following a 13-year-old boy's limp-wristed attack on three of his classmates at a Cleveland-area middle school Tuesday.
Novelists Strike Fails To Affect Nation Whatsoever #~# LOS ANGELES—The Novelists Guild of America strike, now entering its fourth month, has had no impact on the nation at all, sources reported Tuesday.
Some Old Man Still Churning Out Marmaduke #~# MONTGOMERY, TX—Inching his feeble frame toward an old drafting table for quite possibly the millionth time, 83-year-old Brad Anderson begins his day the same way he always has: by closing his eyes and tracing the well-worn outline of America's most lovable dog.
New York Governor Resigns #~# After confessing to being involved in a prostitution ring, New York governor Eliot Spitzer resigned Wednesday. What do you think? 
Frito-Lay Family Of Products Leaned On During Difficult Time #~# CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Thirty-nine-year-old Dwayne Keener, whose marriage and job both recently ended, told reporters Monday that the Frito-Lay family of products—a wide array of fun and delicious snack foods for all ages—has proved "invaluable" in giving him the support and companionship he needs during this trying period in his life. "I don't know where I'd be without Ruffles, Baken-Ets, or Munchos-brand Potato Crisps to rely on for support," Keener said during a press conference from his living room sofa, through tears and mouthfuls of Tostitos Restaurant Style with a Hint of Lime Tortilla Chips. "When my back's against the wall and I feel there's no one to turn to, it's good to know that that crinkly plastic bag is always open." A spokesman for Frito-Lay suggested that the next time he needs a comforting presence, Keener should try new Cheetos Asteroids-brand 100 Calorie Mini Bites. 
Packers Tell Fans They Gave Favre To A Nice Farm Family #~# GREEN BAY, WI—The Green Bay Packers addressed questions concerning the current status, future plans, and whereabouts of recently retired quarterback Brett Favre by announcing Monday that they had sent him to the country to live on a beautiful farm with a very nice family.
Carl Edwards Does Mournful 'Did Not Finish' Backflip #~# HAMPTON, GA—Shortly after engine failure forced him to take a 'Did Not Finish' at the Kobalt Tools 500 Sunday, disappointed but athletic NASCAR driver Carl Edwards climbed onto his Roush Racing No. 99 Office Depot Ford Fusion car and performed a slow, melancholy backflip off the hood. "I don't know what happened—everything was going smoothly until smoke started pouring out the back," Edwards said while sullenly rotating on his horizontal axis above the Atlanta Motor Speedway at approximately 15 seconds per revolution. "Wheeeeeeeeeee." Edwards proceeded to congratulate race winner Kyle Busch, sign autographs for fans, and conduct a 30-minute press conference while flipping somberly through the air. 
The Fed's Bank Bailout #~# The Federal Reserve announced that they would be setting up a $200 billion program to assist struggling banks. What do you think? 
Wooo, UNC And Duke Played Each Other Last Weekend, Oooh Oooh Oooh #~# DURHAM, NC—Oh, man, totally the most exciting thing in the whole entire basketball world and maybe the whole universe ever, dude, happened on Saturday night when the top-ranked UNC Tar Heels played the No. 5 Duke Blue Devils at Cameron Indoor Stadium and everyone everywhere could hardly keep themselves from taking their clothes off and running around the neighborhood shouting about it because that game is always so great. "I'm just drooling all over my idiot self about the greatest rivalry in sports, and also I just peed my pants," the kind of basketball fan who likes to say things like "hoops" and "Coach K" and "Cameron Crazies" and "Battle of Tobacco Road" might as well have said about the game. "Oh, hells yeah, dude-bro, as far as I know or care, this is what college basketball is all about! Awes'." North Carolina won the over-hyped but rather average game 72-68, in case you are like that asshole in the quote and you actually give a fuck. 
Stuart Scott Tells Friends To 'Watch This' Before Trying To Get Into Charles Barkley's Party #~# LAS VEGAS—SportsCenter host Stuart Scott reportedly straightened his shirt collar, tugged twice on the lapels of his sport jacket, smoothed out his eyebrows, and told onlookers to "watch the master" before attempting to gain entry for himself and his colleagues to a party hosted by former NBA All-Star Charles Barkley. "This is how it's done, young'uns," Scott was overheard telling fellow SportsCenter anchors Mike Greenberg and Rece Davis, adding that "when Chuck realizes he almost made Stuart Scott and his peeps wait in line, we'll drink free all night." "Hope you fellas are ready to party." Greenburg and Davis said Scott offered no explanation as to why they were allowed entry to the party while Scott, who attempted to call their cell phones from the parking lot several times before apparently leaving two hours later, was not. 
Mark Prior Just Needs To Stop By Hospital For A Sec To Get Some T.J. Surgery #~# PEORIA, AZ—Padres pitcher Mark Prior informed teammates Monday that he just has to pop in to the hospital for "one quick sec" to have Tommy John connective tissue reconstruction surgery performed on his right arm. "Hey guys, can you pull over for a minute? My U.C. lig is just killing me and I gotta get a little T.J. before the game," Prior reportedly told fellow pitchers Jake Peavy and Chris Young after tearing his ulnar collateral ligament while the trio was driving to the ballpark. "Just a quick Teej—pop out the lig, pop in a tendon, no biggie. I'd do it myself, but I just had some ro-co [rotator-cuff surgery] last night and I can't move my arm. You can leave the car running, I'll be back in a minute tops." Prior will not be able to throw a baseball for 16 to 18 months. 
Favre's Greatest Moments #~# As Brett Favre begins his well-deserved retirement, Onion Sports takes a last fond look at the moments that made him the most beloved athlete in recent memory:
Houston Rockets Catch Tracy McGrady Masturbating To Tape Of His 41-Point Performance #~# HOUSTON—Rockets players held a team press conference Tuesday to express their shock, confusion, and disgust at discovering shooting guard Tracy McGrady masturbating vigorously in the darkness of the team's tape room while viewing recordings of his recent stellar 41-point performance. "We were walking down the hallway like usual and heard a bunch of moaning and shouting coming the tape room, so we opened up the door and there was T-Mac with his warm-ups around his ankles, churning himself with both hands," said small forward Shane Battier. "He just kept grunting 'Put it through the rim. Again. Give it the soft touch. Oh, Tracy, you're so good. Don't tell me you're going to take it to the hole again. I'm not ready for that yet.'" Rookie Carl Landry, who has played an important role as a reserve, said he was happy he had to sit out with a bruised left knee, claiming that there was no chance McGrady could have masturbated to him.
U.S. Not Planning To Attack Iran, Says U.S. Iran War Czar #~# USS STENNIS, PERSIAN GULF—U.S. Iran War Czar Gen. Glenn Jacobs, the general director of the U.S. Center of the Invasion of Iran, announced Monday that neither the United States government nor the 30,000 troops aligned along Iran's border have any plans to invade the "dangerous and belligerent" Middle Eastern country. "We're simply taking every precautionary measure we can to maintain the peace between the two countries, such as making sure we have enough cruise missiles to carry out that peace, taking comprehensive aerial photographs of Iranian bombing targets, and calculating how many lives would be lost if we did invade Iran, which we're not going to do," Jacobs said while studying a video simulation of what a wide-scale assault on Iran would look like. "We don't even have the manpower for that kind of operation yet." According to a statement from the White House, the recently reopened position of U.S. Cold War Czar will be filled soon.
Snyder's Of Hanover Has Always Been In Pretzels For The Long Haul #~# In this world of ever-changing loyalties, it seems at times as though nothing consistent and permanent remains. Nothing in which one can place one's allegiance, confident that the sacred trust that exists between buyer and seller will not fall victim to the bottom line. But the Snyder family of Hanover, good snack food consumers of the world, is living proof of the contrary.
eBay CEO Resigns #~# After 10 years, Meg Whitman will be stepping down as CEO of the online auction house eBay. Here are some highlights of her tenure at the top:
Sedatives In New York Drinking Water #~# A test of the reservoir that supplies drinking water for New York city turned up traces of numerous drugs, including caffeine, hormones, and sedatives. What do you think? 
Ask A 1920s Baseball Fan #~# Dear 1920s Baseball Fan,
Actor Matthew McConaughey Agrees To Star In Whatever #~# AUSTIN, TX—Actor Matthew McConaughey announced Tuesday that he has accepted a 6, maybe $7 million offer to star in Whatever. "I'm happy to do Whatever. You know I'm easy, brother," McConaughey said of his upcoming role as a laid-back dude. "As long as the beer is cold and I can take my shirt off, I'm in. Well, all right." Whatever, slated for release either late this year or next, will be directed by this one guy with whom McConaughey has worked before, and will also star Kate Hudson. 
DOT Creates New Lane For Reckless Drivers #~# WASHINGTON—Secretary of Transportation Mary Peters unveiled a new $270 billion federal project Monday to build special lanes for dangerous and careless drivers on most major U.S. highways.
87 Killed In Violent Kerfuffle #~# ISLAMABAD—Eighty-seven people were killed and 114 wounded at an open-air market in Islamabad yesterday in one of the worst ruckuses to hit the Pakistani capital in years. Witnesses said that the bloody to-do occurred shortly before noontime prayers, and that dozens were instantly killed by the doozy of a shockwave. Many more were reportedly trampled to death in the rush to escape the foofaraw. "It was as though some invisible hand had come through to wipe out all that was good and human," onlooker Taufiq Jinnah said. "There was so much death and carnage—how could God let such a brouhaha happen?" The Pakistani government, which promised a major counter-hubbub against those responsible, would not rule out a small-scale nuclear donnybrook. 
Lawyer Sues Casinos Over Gambling Addiction #~# A former lawyer has named six Atlantic City casinos in a $20 million lawsuit claiming that they did not prevent her from losing nearly $1 million. What do you think?
MPAA Backs Off College Students #~# After charging that college students were responsible for 44 percent of revenue losses due to illegal downloading of movies, the Motion Picture Association of America recently conceded that the number was closer to 15 percent. What do you think? 
Man In Suit Slams Fist On Desk #~# NEW YORK—A man wearing a suit slammed the fleshy portion of his fist on a mahogany desk Monday in an attempt to further emphasize a terse and harsh declarative statement, nervous sources later reported. According to the four other men in suits present, the important man, who was seated behind the desk in question, reportedly meant business and, with the single pound of his fist, effectively sent a clear message of what would and would not be tolerated from that point on. Sources claim the vibrations created when the coiled-up hand delivered the blow to the desktop were powerful enough to shake all the contents on the suited man's desk, and also caused the liquid in the man's coffee cup to spill slightly over the mug's brim. 
Shroud Of Turin Accidentally Washed With Red Shirt #~# VATICAN CITY—The Shroud of Turin, an ancient linen cloth believed to bear the image of Christ and considered by many clerics and devotees to be one of the holiest relics of the Christian faith, was inadvertently dyed a light shade of pink after being washed with a red T-shirt, sources reported Tuesday.
Teacher's Sense Of Humor Comes Through In Multiple-Choice Tests #~# UNIONTOWN, PA—Most educators view multiple-choice exams as an opportunity to couch the correct answer amidst three or four other plausible alternatives. Not so for Uniontown High School teacher Tom Campbell. Campbell, 47, who has taught freshman history at the school for the past 11 years, uses the popular test format not only to instruct but also to delight his students with his quirky sense of humor.
Relationship Tragically Enters Going-To-Bathroom-With-Door-Open Stage #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—Tragedy struck an otherwise ideal love affair between Frank Langford, 31, and Amy Diamond, 28, Monday, when Diamond used the toilet directly in front of her beloved for the first time. "Deep down, I knew this awful development was inevitable, but it still hurts to see the black day finally come," Langford said. "The most crushing part is that I didn't even mind that much. After all, I stopped bothering to suck in my gut around her months ago." Although it only began two years ago, the couple's relationship has already experienced such cataclysmic events as the no-longer-hiding-morning-breath stage and the slapping-each-other-on-the-ass-in-an-entirely-nonsexual- manner stage, and is now rapidly approaching the final indignity of the actual-love-based-on-mutual-understanding- and-respect stage.
Report: 6 Out Of 10 Americans Cannot Locate Payless Shoes On A Mall Map #~# WASHINGTON—An alarming new study conducted by the Department of Education has found that 60 percent of all Americans are unable to locate the major retail outlet Payless Shoes when presented with an ordinary shopping-center map. 
Adults Eschew Simple Immunizations #~# A Centers for Disease Control survey revealed that statistically few adults get immunization shots for common ailments, such as tetanus and influenza. What do you think? 
Rasheed Wallace Has Greatest Dream Where He Uses Headband As Basketball Slingshot And Scores A Million Points #~# DETROIT—Pistons forward Rasheed Wallace awoke from the greatest dream Monday morning, in which he was in an NBA game, and he took off his headband and started using it as a slingshot, and everyone kept passing him the ball, but the balls were smaller than usual, or maybe his headband was bigger, and he kept slinging the balls into the hoop from a hundred feet away and he scored a million billion points, Wallace reported Monday. "I remember I was playing against the Celtics—except Paul Pierce, like, became Allen Iverson somehow, and my father was on their team for some reason—and my headband stretched across the whole court, and when I shot the balls from it, they all automatically went in, and then the floor started glowing," Wallace explained to reporters. "Also, I figured out this thing called the backwards dunk, where you dunk through the bottom of the rim, and the refs give you a thousand points for figuring out the secret. Oh, and the court was my house." Wallace said he cannot wait to try using his headband as a slingshot in a real game. 
Steve Nash Sarcastically Asks Shaq To Slow Down #~# PORTLAND—In the midst of four consecutive fast breaks during their Tuesday night game against the Trailblazers, Phoenix Suns guard Steve Nash repeatedly voiced scathingly sarcastic comments regarding newly acquired teammate Shaquille O'Neal's lack of speed. "Whoa, slow down there, big fella! You're making us all look bad!" said Nash as he and the other three Suns players on the court ran past a hunched-over O'Neal during another breakaway. "Somebody reign in Lightning there! Hey, Shaq, we're really gonna need you to stand around and miss free throws for us in the playoffs, so don't blow your wad just yet." Nash often makes similar remarks when the teammates are eating meals together, usually without the sarcasm. 
Beijing's Looming Olympic Crisis #~# With scant months before the XXIX Olympiad is scheduled to open, serious questions still remain about Beijing's readiness to safely and efficiently host the Games. Onion Sports outlines the most crucial problems:
Rob Neyer Invents Statistic To Measure Own Disenchantment With Baseball #~# PORTLAND, OR—ESPN.com baseball columnist Rob Neyer has announced the formula for a new statistic which compares and contrasts his own disillusionment with the sport of baseball against that felt by his fellow sabermetricians. "It's called Baseball Fatigue Average, or 'BFA,' and it's the most comprehensive anti-baseball stat out there," said Neyer in a chat session in which he also argued the meaninglessness of the run batted in."It takes into account the extreme importance given to the walk, coincidentally the least interesting part of the sport, and factors in the sheer randomness of the game and how little effect players ultimately have upon the outcome. Even the Crack Of The Bat Quotient and the Smell Of The Freshly Cut Grass Under A Cloudless Robin's-Egg-Blue Sky On A Warm Spring Afternoon Index are not enough to counteract the effects of BFA. And the best part is, you don't have to watch a single ennui-producing pitch of Major League Baseball to figure out how little you like it." Neyer announced he will now turn his attention to reducing the abstract concept of "fun" down to a single significant digit. 
Kevin Garnett Proves He Can Touch Rim #~# BOSTON—After dozens of practice-session attempts, Boston Celtics center Kevin Garnett proved Tuesday that he could touch the rim of the basket when his middle finger slightly grazed the front edge of the regulation-height goal on the north end of the team's practice court, finally putting to rest a month of speculation and ridicule from his teammates.
Dungeons & Dragons Creator Dies #~# Dungeons & Dragons creator Gary Gygax died this week. What do you think?
Men And Women Of Armed Forces Thank Local Woman For Song Dedication #~# PITTSBURGH—Radio station WXPT was flooded with calls from more than 140,000 members of the United States military Monday thanking a local woman for dedicating Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" to them during the quitting-time rock block on Pittsburgh's Home of Classic Rock. "The armed forces in Iraq are eternally grateful to Judy Walther of Lawrenceville, PA for picking up the phone, dialing the WXPT hotline, and waiting on hold for 43 grueling seconds," Gen. David Petraeus said in a personal call to the station's general manager. "We didn't deserve it, and we couldn't hear it, but we all appreciate this brave woman's service to her country. Ma'am, you did more for us with that one song than all the body armor in the world could have." Petraeus in turn dedicated an upcoming tactical operation to Walther that will include the shelling of a suspected terrorist safehouse in Tikrit. 
Tim Duncan Sends Belated 'Great Game' Card To Celtics For February Defeat #~# SAN ANTONIO—Weeks after the Spurs 98-90 loss to the Celtics on Feb. 10, power forward Tim Duncan sent personalized notes to each player on the Celtics roster, the entire coaching staff, the general manager, and owner, congratulating them for a "great game." "This would have gotten to you sooner if I had sent one card to the entire organization, but I felt that would diminish everyone's individual accomplishments," said Duncan, who sealed the envelopes with his personal crest embossed in wax. "I just wanted to let them know how much I appreciated everyone from the players to the front office. The Celtics did a splendid job, and I'm really proud of them." Although Duncan said he was conflicted as whether to write the notes using a pen or brush, he finally decided to use his favorite, a quill dipped in sable India ink, a time-consuming penmanship method that Duncan feels looks best on his heavy handmade paper.
Athlete Praised For Being Competitive #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—CBS college basketball commentators Billy Packer and Vern Lundquist took time during Sunday's Kentucky-Tennessee basketball game, a competition played with the goal of producing a victor, to praise Volunteers senior guard Chris Lofton, whose job on the team is to aid the team in winning, for being competitive. "Lofton loves competition—he'll try to beat you any way he can," Lundquist said of Lofton, whose function on the team is to produce points while preventing the other team from doing so in turn. "He's just one of those athletes who really wants to win and hates to lose." Packer echoed his colleague's thoughts, adding that Lofton was "a real basketball player" and "quite an athlete."
Mukasey Visits Guantanamo #~# Attorney General Michael Mukasey made his first trip to the United States military detention facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Here's some of the information he came back with:
Act Now To Take Advantage Of My Lowered Standards #~# Are you tired of all those other women who expect an emotional connection? Are you fed up with wasting all your precious time building a rapport before she gives in and sleeps with you? Well, listen up, because I have got a deal for you! For the next 60 minutes, I'll be offering a complete package—that's my full attention, conversation, and uninterrupted alcohol-facilitated sexual contact followed by a late-night cab ride to my place at no cost to you—in exchange for only two drinks and an inquiry into how my night is going. This is the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your lazy eye and bad breath ignored that you can't afford to miss!
Sugar-Free Gum Linked To Diarrhea #~# Doctors in Berlin have found that sorbitol, the artificial sweetener found in many sugar-free gums, can lead to chronic diarrhea and considerable weight loss. What do you think? 
Susan Sarandon Masturbated To For Old Time's Sake #~# ATHENS, GA—Though David Unger’s onanistic ritual has changed much over the past three decades, the 39-year-old copy editor told reporters Monday that he was “thrilled” to reconnect with someone he hadn’t used as masturbatory fodder in years: Academy Award–winning actress and perennial sex symbol Susan Sarandon.
Guy You Don't Want To See Will Meet You There #~# CRESSKILL, NJ—In news that has made you wonder why you ever even talk to that guy in the first place, David Kirsch, that prick you can't stand, has announced his intentions to meet up with you at the Canyon Road Bar & Grill later tonight. Although you had intended for this outing to be restricted to people whose company you genuinely enjoy, the guy who is impossible to have a conversation with will be showing up at 8:00 p.m. and will sit right next to you. Kirsch has also announced plans to bring along a few of his friends, including that one tall guy with the sweaty hands, a development you have classified as fucking wonderful.
Oh, Shit! What Day Is It? #~# Punxsutawney Phil
Whale Expert Measures Everything In Elephants #~# SEATTLE—Marine biologist and best-selling author of A Children's Guide To Blue Whales James W. Bradley has begun using the world's largest non-marine mammal, the elephant, as his standard unit of measurement not only in his work but in daily life as well, sources close to the scientist said Monday. "From the 2.5- elephant weight of a city bus to the 12,204- elephant distance between Seattle and Tacoma, it's the only way he can visualize measurement anymore," said his wife Celia Bradley, who is not a whale expert. "We saw a rat in the street the other day and he kept going on and on about how huge it was, saying, 'That thing must've been at least .074 elephants long!'" Bradley was not available for comment, since he was reportedly closing on a three-bedroom, two-bathroom, 40-square-elephant house. 
Biofuels Worse For The Environment #~# According to the journal Science, the use of biofuels does not offset the greenhouse gas emissions produced in their manufacture. What do you think? 
Ad Campaign Appeals To Young, Hip, Influenced-By-Ad-Campaigns Demographic #~# NEW YORK—According to new market research, a multimillion dollar broadcast, radio, print, billboard, and online viral campaign launched Monday by the Axiom Marketing Agency tested "off the charts" among its target market of hip, urban 18- to 34-year-olds who base their actions and opinions entirely on the suggestions of ad campaigns. "This is exactly the type of customer we're looking to reach," said the campaign's chief strategist Ben Jacobs, 28. "It's showing tremendous impact on the cool, media-savvy rebels who distrust authority, prize alternative culture, think outside of the mainstream, and are willing to base their actions entirely on advertising images presented to them on TV. How dope is that?" The campaign, which advertises a new, youth-oriented version of Raisinets called Raisin d'Etre, is expected to make an impressive showing at the upcoming Counterculture Ad Fair sponsored by Procter and Gamble and held at the Staples Center in Los Angeles.
Nation's Presidential Assassins Still Undecided #~# NEW YORK— As evidenced by the hundreds of newspaper clippings of various presidential candidates glued to his bedroom walls and ceiling, Vietnam veteran Dale Patrick Seaver, 52, is clearly an informed voter. But after watching over 50 debates, countless speeches, and nonstop campaign coverage at "all hours of the night," this presidential assassin has not yet decided who his choice will be in November.
Highest Jailed Rate Ever #~# For the first time ever, one out of every 100 adults in the United States is in prison. What do you think? 
Rock-Bottom Loser Entertaining Offers From Several Religions #~# FINDLAY, OH—Local resident Owen Pritchard's recent downward spiral into drug addiction, unemployment, and complete and utter hopelessness has sparked the intense interest of several top world religions, each of which is vying for his services as a devotee, the 39-year-old uncommitted prospective convert reported Monday.
Grand Theft Auto IV Hits Stores #~# The latest installment of Rockstar Games' popular Grand Theft Auto franchise hit stores this week. What are some of the new features?
I Won't Ever Let The Position Of County Surveyor Go To My Head #~# My fellow citizens of Wayne County, thank you. You have entrusted me with a sacred duty—the most-honored position of surveyor for the entire county of Wayne, which includes the cities of Portage, Clara, Allerton, and Dixon, as well as many, many townships. As reelection approaches, let me once again assure you that I will never allow this awesome responsibility to affect my humility or in any way impair my service to you.
I Couldn't Help But Notice Your Product Hasn't Been Endorsed By Anyone Yet #~# My specially designed Tiger Woods TAG Heuer watch read 11:45 a.m. yesterday when I got back from the practice range. After washing up and shaving with my favorite Tiger Woods Gillette Champions razor and getting in a few rounds of EA Sports' Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08, I picked up the copy of Golf Digest on my coffee table—the one with my ad for TLC Laser Eye Centers. What caught my attention, however, was an advertisement on the adjoining page for your product, Pine-Sol. 
Naughty Butcher Specializes In Penis-Shaped Veal Cutlet #~# NEW YORK—Although he is adept at fashioning representations of genitalia out of raw meats, ranging from pork belly to giblets, 36-year-old erotic butcher Eric Barnard told reporters Monday that the creation he is most proud of is his penis-shaped veal cutlet. "The Cock Chop is by far our best seller," said Barnard, who uses lamb tendon to achieve the extremely realistic veined effect on his popular phallic novelty steak. "It's perfect for bachelorette barbecues, gay birthday cookouts, or just as a nice gift for someone who loves to grill and has a sense of humor." Barnard, a two-time winner of New York magazine's "Best Kinky Meats" award, is also renowned for his chicken-neck vulvas, which he said are ideal for naughty stews. 
Dean: One Candidate Must Quit #~# Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean said that, in order to maintain party unity, either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama would have to drop out of the presidential primary race. What do you think? 
Man In Inner Tube Completes First Lazy Transatlantic Journey #~# LA ROCHELLE, FRANCE—Arriving to the cheers of thousands of excited onlookers gathered at the Les Minimes marina to witness history in the making, insurance-claims adjuster Gary Morgan, 42, completed the first nonstop leisurely solo float across the Atlantic Ocean in an inflated rubber tube Tuesday.
Price Clubs Restricting Rice Sales #~# Because of incidents of hoarding, Sam's Club and Costco have put limits on the amounts of certain kinds of rice consumers can buy. What do you think? 
Gears Of War Crimes Court Finds 2006 Locust Horde Massacre Justified #~# JACINTO PLATEAU, SERA—An independent group holding a Gears of War Crimes Tribunal at the Coalition of Ordered Governments headquarters Wednesday to assess whether Delta Squad members Colonel Hoffman, Marcus Fenix, and Dominic Santiago had committed atrocities against the Locust Horde found the three super-soldiers' actions justified. "All actions related to attacking civilian targets such as the Imulsion pumping station were absolutely necessary, otherwise the defendants would not have been able to reach the elevator leading to the campus courtyard, which was essential to advance to the next level," presiding judge Hildreth Crespin said. "Nevertheless, because the super-soldiers openly used the derogatory and hurtful term 'grub' to refer to the Locust Horde, we recommend they seek bestial sensitivity training." Critics of the verdict, who felt Delta Squad should be held accountable for detonating a Lightmass bomb that killed millions of innocent members of the Locust Horde, claimed the men circumvented punishment by using a secret cheat code at the beginning of the trial. 
Man Use Big Word #~# HERE—Tom, a guy who think he so smart, use big word Tuesday and make feel stupid. "You are a traw-glow-dite," Tom said, and then he smile like he so much better, like when he win at checkers. "Ha ha ha." As of press time, Tom still being unabashedly supercilious and won't tell what big word mean. 
Diet Could Affect Gender #~# A new report from Oxford and the University of Exeter in England says that diet at conception can influence the sex of the child. What do you think? 
Atlantic City Cocktail Waitress Crowned In Mistress USA Pageant #~# TRENTON, NJ—Lacey Lauderdale, a 25-year-old cocktail waitress at the Showboat Casino & Hotel in Atlantic City, was named the winner of the 2008 Mistress USA Pageant, a competition held each year since 1954 to honor the country's most beautiful and talented other women.
Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—Veteran partier Adam Girard announced his intentions to continue partying late Saturday evening, assuring onlookers that the multiple injuries he had sustained over the previous six hours did not require medical attention, and were not severe enough to prematurely end the festivities.
Snow Moves To CNN #~# Former Fox News personality and White House press secretary Tony Snow will join CNN as a political contributor. What do you think?  
Commas, Turning Up, Everywhere #~# WASHINGTON—In the midst of a crisis that may have reached a breaking, point Tuesday afternoon, linguists, and grammarians, everywhere say they are baffled, by the sudden and seemingly random, appearance of commas, in our nation's sentences. The epidemic of errant punctuation has spread, like wildfire, since signs of the epidemic first, appeared in a Washington Post article, on Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben, Bernanke. "This, is an unsettling trend," columnist William Sa,fire, told reporters. "We're seeing a collapse of the grammatical rules that have, held, the English language, together for, centuries." Experts warn, that if this same, phenomenon, should occur with ellipses… 
NASA Intern Hoping To Go On Space Walk Before He Leaves In June #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Ryan Hodson, 20, an unpaid intern at NASA's Launch Control Center, announced Tuesday that he was confident Kennedy Space Center officials would give him the opportunity to board a craft sent to orbit the Earth and participate in a space walk before his internship ends in June.
Young, Professional People French-Kissing #~# ABC
Family Feud Pollster Tired Of Asking Strangers To Name A Fruit Typically Served With Breakfast #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Though he has only questioned 22 of the 100 people needed to complete his survey, veteran Family Feud pollster Rick Carlysle, 42, told reporters Monday that he is already sick of asking strangers to name a fruit typically served at breakfast. "You wouldn't believe how many people have given answers like star fruit or kiwi because they think they're being clever," said Carlysle, who has been polling random cross-sections of Americans on such banal topics as the typical contents of a lady's purse since the late Ray Combs hosted the popular game show in the early '90s. "I mean, come on, this isn't that hard. Just say banana or grapefruit. Or even cantaloupe, for Christ's sake." Carlysle said that if he doesn't start getting reasonable responses within the next 20 minutes, he will just make up some numbers to finish out the survey like he always does. 
Gilbert Arenas Claims He Can Play Despite Sore Ankle Part Of Arm #~# CLEVELAND—Following the Wizards' 30-point loss to the Cavaliers Monday, Washington guard Gilbert Arenas assured reporters that he would play in Game 3 of the series despite severely wrenching his right arm's ankle while fouling LeBron James. "I definitely have some inflammation in the joint between the arm and my shooting foot, but I'm going to ice it and keep my weight off of it for the next couple days," said Arenas, who was limited to seven points in Game 2. "I should be fine, especially since I didn't get a high ankle sprain on the upper part of the arm. Those never heal." Arenas, who has been plagued by injuries recently, missed 69 regular season games after having reconstructive surgery to correct a shoulder separation in his right leg.  
Andy Pettitte On Recent Win: 'Now That's What I Call Throwing A Pettitte' #~# BALTIMORE—New York Yankees pitcher Andy Pettitte threw seven scoreless innings during the Yankees' 7-1 victory over the Baltimore Orioles Sunday, causing the visibly proud veteran left-hander to declare his performance "a genuine Pettitte." "A couple more Pettittes like this one and I could be in store for a Cy Young season," Pettitte told reporters after the game, adding that with his cut fastball working early, he was confident in his ability to deliver a Pettitte. "The last thing I wanted to do was go out there and Mussina up the joint." Pettitte later added that he dreams of one day throwing a perfect Pettitte, though he said he is aware of how difficult it is to perform a feat requiring him to strike out 17 batters, walk three, give up one run, and still manage to get the loss. 
George Steinbrenner Tells Sons To Mellow Out #~# NEW YORK—Following the latest in a series of animated outbursts by Yankee co-chairman Hank Steinbrenner, a tirade in which he said that "only an idiot" would not start Joba Chamberlain, comparatively laid-back Yankee owner George Steinbrenner advised his sons to "calm down" and "not make any rash decisions." "It's just a game," Steinbrenner said in a statement released by his spokesman Howard Rubenstein. "Honestly, who cares if the Yankees lose a couple? It's not the end of the world. As long as everyone is having fun…that's the important thing." Steinbrenner added that he is no longer requiring the Yankees to win the World Series, but that if they are eliminated in the ALDS, Joe Girardi will be out of a job and Brian Cashman will be executed before a firing squad. 
Isiah Thomas: 'My Time With The Knicks Was Actually A Large-Scale Psychological Study Of New York Residents' #~# NEW YORK—Ousted Knicks coach and president Isiah Thomas, who presided over the team during one of the least successful and most shameful periods in its history, held a press conference Wednesday to announce that his four-year legacy of abysmal team chemistry, bloated payrolls, sex scandals, and simple losing was actually a vast psychological experiment carried out on New York City as a whole.
Female Firsts In Sports #~# With her IndyCar victory, Danica Patrick became the first woman to win a race in a top-level racing series. Onion Sports salutes her achievement and that of other groundbreaking sportswomen:
Excited Dallas Stars Hear Dallas Morning News Reporter May Be At Next Game #~# DALLAS—After eliminating the Anaheim Ducks in the first round of the NHL Playoffs Sunday, Dallas Stars coach Dave Tippett excited his players with the possibility that a Dallas Morning News reporter might attend the first game of the Western Conference Semifinals on May 2. "I've been sending e-mails and making calls all season trying to get someone from the media to cover us," said Tippett, adding that a front-row seat at center ice would be reserved for the reporter. "I don't want to get the players' hopes up, but I think they may even send a sports reporter instead of the human-interest lady this time. This could be the real deal." When asked for comment, Morning News editor Garry Leavell said that he could not guarantee a reporter would be at the game, as sports coverage would be dependent upon the Dallas Mavericks' performance in the NBA playoffs, whether or not the Texas Rangers have a game that night, and if Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens decided to say or do something. 
Army Engineer Passed Nuclear Secrets #~# An 84-year-old former Army engineer was arrested for passing on defense secrets to Israel, including documents about nuclear weapons, between 1979 and 1985. What do you think? 
Mel Kiper Wakes In Middle Of Night Thinking He Missed NFL Draft #~# NEW YORK—Football personnel analyst and perennial NFL Draft fixture Mel Kiper Jr. woke from a sound sleep Wednesday night with a start and a muted shriek that startled his wife, Kim, whom he told he had dreamt about missing the entire 2008 draft. "I woke up, you know, and looked at the calendar, and it was Monday? And the whole draft was over? And I'd slept through it because I figured it started at 3 p.m. this year instead of noon, so I didn't set an alarm?" Kiper said through chattering teeth while his wife tried to calm him by attempting to stroke his meticulously gelled hair. "But I had worked so hard putting together Mel Kiper's Draft Preview and I was sleepy, you know? So I slept so hard I slept through it and—and—and they had it without me. Without me!" Mrs. Kiper was eventually able to soothe her distraught husband, and the couple passed the rest of the night without incident on the makeshift bed on the steps of Radio City Music Hall, where they spend the time from the end of college football season until Draft Day. 
Campus Security Measures Increased #~# It's been one year since the tragic killings at Virginia Tech, and campuses across the country have ramped up security to protect their students. Here are some of the new measures they have implemented:
Hanna Montana's Secret Identity…Revealed! #~# Item! Have you ever noticed that you never see Miley Cyrus and Hanna Montana in the same room at the same time? (She's kind of like Superman and Peter Parker in that way.) Well, that's because the hot Disney singer and the hot teen singer are one and the same person! I hope I haven't put her father, country superstar Billy Ray Cyrus, in danger by revealing her secret identity, but it's news, and my job is to break big news.
Sims Sales Top 100 Million #~# EA Games announced that it has sold 100 million units of its life-simulation video game The Sims since 2000. What do you think? 
Elderly Woman Applying Makeup Most Heartbreaking Thing On Earth #~# PARMA, OH—In an unbelievably heartrending and entirely futile undertaking intended to recapture some infinitesimal shred of her faded beauty and youth, 82-year-old Rachel Shultz painstakingly put on her makeup Monday. "This is the same shade of lipstick I wore when I met [Shultz's long-dead husband] Kenneth," Shultz said as she steadied her palsied right hand with her left while applying the bright red cosmetic to her thin, bloodless lips, a process that only served to accentuate the weathered crevices crisscrossing her face like hundreds of tiny dried riverbeds. "That was in Cleveland right after the war, back when I was a candy striper. I was quite the looker." Shultz later dozed lightly in the lobby of her assisted-living center while waiting for her daughter to drive her to a friend's funeral.
Rubber Band Needed #~# RALEIGH, NC—At approximately 2:30 p.m. EDT Wednesday in the offices of Emery & Lane Advertising at 129 Bronson Avenue, Ron Meyer, 34, announced that he was in need of a rubber band.
Listen, Can You Do Me A Favor And Join The Army? #~# Hey, can you do something for me real quick? Could you enlist in the Army? I'm only asking because I was just wondering about it, because it would be great, I think. If you joined the Army. And it would definitely help me out.
Pope Delivers Yankee Mass #~# Pope Benedict XVI concluded his trip to the United States by celebrating Sunday Mass at New York's Yankee Stadium. What do you think? 
Botanists Vow Not To Discuss Botany During After-Work Drinks #~# AMHERST, MA—After years of promising not to discuss work after hours but always failing, botanists at Hampshire College's Agricultural Studies Farm Center told reporters yesterday they have finally made a pledge to ban any and all talk of plants during drinks this Friday. "We always say we're going to leave it at the lab, but when you get a group of us botanists together, the subject of how mycology falls under the umbrella of ethnobotany is bound to come up," said Dr. Cynthia Devlin, admitting that in the past she has been guilty of filling awkward gaps in conversation with fungi- related anecdotes from the workday. "But this time we mean it. The first person to even think about bringing up petioles or lateral buds is out." According to Devlin, the group's efforts to separate phytopathology and pleasure will be greatly aided by the decision to move their weekly get-together to Marty's Bar & Grille from the Rainforest Café.
Financial Analysts Offer To Talk About Recession For $5 #~# NEW YORK—With the nation almost certainly headed toward a recession, a coalition of top financial analysts announced Monday that they would be willing to discuss the economic future of the U.S. at any time for a negotiable fee of $5. "There are many complicated factors that will dictate the direction the economy will take in the coming months," said commodity trading adviser Lucas Brockton, who repeatedly urged reporters at the press conference to leave any empty soda cans with him before they left. "We are more than happy to talk about these factors at length just as soon as we can get a wink from Mr. Lincoln, if you catch my drift." As of press time, the analysts were considering an offer of $3.50 and half a turkey sandwich. 
New Chemical Weapon 'Ennui Gas' Induces Listlessness, Dissatisfaction With Life #~# WASHINGTON—Calling it the most effective tool to date in the War on Terror, the Pentagon announced Monday that it had developed a new chemical weapon called "ennui gas," a nerve agent that overwhelms its victims with sudden philosophical distress over the meaningless tedium of human life and a sinking sense that everything they have ever accomplished ultimately amounts to dust.
Poll: McCain Getting Even #~# According to an AP-Yahoo poll, Sen. John McCain was roughly tied with any Democratic candidate, a dramatic shift from a November poll in which a potential Democrat candidate was preferred over a Republican by a 13 percent margin. What do you think? 
Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building #~# IOWA CITY, IA—University of Iowa neuroscientists studying spatial learning and the effects of stress on memory announced Tuesday that a little son-of-a-bitch mouse ruined an experiment on cognitive performance by effortlessly navigating a maze that researchers spent nearly a year designing and constructing.
Plastics May Emit Toxins #~# A new report from the National Toxicology Program has raised concerns about bisphenol, a chemical found in baby bottles and sport water bottles that may be linked to breast cancer, prostate cancer, and early-onset puberty. What do you think? 
Nation Agrees Not To Talk About Politics #~# WASHINGTON—After months of fevered and contentious political discourse, the U.S. populace unanimously agreed Monday that, before somebody gets upset and things get out of hand, it would be better to just stop talking about politics altogether.
Chuck Berry Remembers Call From Cousin About White Kid Playing 'Johnny B. Goode' #~# WENTZVILLE, MO—In a shocking revelation that turns a half century of rock-and-roll history on its head, legendary musician Chuck Berry recalled Monday how he got the idea for his iconic song "Johnny B. Goode"—believed for decades to have been written by Berry himself—after listening to a white teenager playing it over the telephone. "I'll never forget that night back in 1955 when I got the call from [cousin] Marvin [Berry] saying, 'Chuck, this is that sound you've been looking for!'" recounted Berry, explaining that his cousin was playing an "Enchantment Under The Sea"–themed high school dance when the mysterious teen, Calvin Klein, took to the stage and single-handedly invented rock and roll as we now know it. "Marvin held up the phone and I heard the song that would make me famous. Then I stole it." 
Samantha Who? #~# ABC
Chinese Class Clown Executed #~# BEIJING—Known among schoolmates for his spirited antics and ability to make light of almost any situation, classroom jokester Wei Xiang, 11, was put to death by the Chinese government for drawing a mustache on an image of Education Minister Zhou Ji in one of his textbooks, sources reported Monday. "An enemy of the state has been dealt with accordingly," government spokesman Xu Qi said following Wei's execution by firing squad. "Let this be a lesson to other children considering wising off or otherwise wasting valuable class time." The fifth-grader previously served a six-month term in solitary confinement at Qincheng Prison after referring to the Tang Dynasty as "the Stank Dynasty" during a history lesson in 2007. 
FCC Fines Electronics Retailers #~# The Federal Communications Commission levied nearly $6 million in fines to retailers such as Best Buy and Sears for failing to inform consumers that their new analog televisions will be obsolete with next year's digital conversion. What do you think? 
Pau Gasol, Tony Parker Share Special Moment During Pick #~# LOS ANGELES—An otherwise routine set play involving a variation on the classic "pick" strategy transformed into a singularly unforgettable moment Sunday when Lakers center Pau Gasol interposed himself in order to stop the defensive pursuit of Spurs guard Tony Parker with body contact, but in the words of Parker himself "stopped my heart instead." "I came around the key to the baseline like it was any other day, but then there [Pau] was… First our hips met, then our eyes, and I was knocked off my feet—literally and figuratively," Parker told reporters afterward. "Time stopped forever for me at that moment, and I knew then that whatever happened in this crucial best-of-five series, one of the most crucial moments of my life had just happened. That now and forever, for me—for us—there would always be eight seconds left on the shot clock." Gasol refused to comment on the moment, telling reporters that "[Parker and I] will always have [the] Staples Center."
Jim Leyland To Tigers: 'Do I Have To Get Naked And Yell Some Sense Into You?' #~# DETROIT—Following the Tigers' 11-0 loss at home against the White Sox Sunday, frustrated manager Jim Leyland attempted to get through to his struggling ballclub by screaming in their faces, gesticulating wildly while pacing up and down the locker room floor, and removing every article of his clothing save for his socks. "We gave up two fucking grand slams in one game!" said Leyland, pointing at his bullpen with one hand and brandishing his recently removed pants in the other. "Do I need to run out to the mound with my dick swinging in the wind between every pitch so you goddamn well don't do that?" Leyland then stormed out of the locker room, held a markedly stilted post-game press conference, walked out of the clubhouse, and drove home. 
Yankees Bury Bernie Williams Under New Stadium For Good Luck #~# NEW YORK—Citing a need for physical and spiritual cleansing after a Boston Red Sox fan entombed a David Ortiz jersey in the floor of the new facility, the New York Yankees buried former centerfielder Bernie Williams under 4,650 pounds of concrete Wednesday in the foundation of the new Yankee Stadium for good luck.
Tiger Woods Irritated He Bought Additional Coat Hanger #~# AUGUSTA, GA—After finishing a disappointing three shots behind winner Trevor Immelman at the Masters tournament, Tiger Woods denied he was frustrated at missing his chance for golf's Grand Slam, instead concentrating his anger on his recent purchase of a coat hanger for his anticipated green jacket. "Look, it's made of aromatic cedar and has specially shaped 'wings' to spread the jacket's shoulders and help it hold its shape. And for what?" Woods asked onlookers while holding the heavy wooden haberdashery implement up for them to see. "What am I supposed to hang on it now, one of my 10,000 red shirts? Christ." Woods then attempted to break the hanger across his left knee, severely damaging the cartilage and necessitating surgery that will cause him to miss the Players Championship.
Player's Career Arc Exactly Mirrors Second Verse Of Steve Miller's 'Rock 'N Me' #~# NORWALK, CT—While listening to the radio on his drive home Monday afternoon, former MLB player Terry Boylan realized that his professional career exactly mirrors the travels of the man in the Steve Miller Band song "Rock 'N Me." "I went from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to Tacoma, Philadelphia, Atlanta, L.A.," said Boylan, who was selected in the 1998 expansion draft by the Arizona Diamonbacks, traded to the Mariners and spent a season with their Triple-A affiliate Tacoma Rainiers, claimed by the Philadelphia Phillies in the 2000 Rule 5 draft, released and picked up off waivers the following year by the Atlanta Braves, and traded once more to the Dodgers of Los Angeles. "Then I went to northern California—where the girls are warm—when I signed as a free agent with the San Francisco Giants. Though I didn't go there to be with my sweet baby, incidentally that's where I met my future wife. Weird." Boylan added that he is not superstitious nor does he get suspicious, and his woman is a friend of his. 
Speedo's New High-Tech Swimsuit #~# Swimmers wearing Speedo's new laser-bonded LZR racing swimsuit have set 35 records in the past few weeks. Here's how the LZR gives competitors the advantage:
Legendary Trainer Accidentally Grooms Young Boxer To Be Racing Horse #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Michael Timm, a towering figure in the cloistered world of professional boxing trainers, admitted Wednesday that, through a series of mistakes, he had trained up-and-coming bantamweight Royce Hamanolosa (14-1) to be a racehorse. "I guess I was concentrating on speed work too much… I had him running half-miles for a month and working the speed bag, then three-eighths of a mile on grass and working a nose bag, then galloping a mile every other day before being curry-combed," Timm told reporters. "I take full responsibility, and I thank God that someone realized what was happening just before Royce broke his leg." Hamanalosa forgave Timm for his errors, saying that in many ways he was "in the best shape of his life" and that his victory at Santa Anita now allowed him to demand a six-figure stud fee. 
Area Man Honored To Have Name In Hat #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—Rotary Club banquet attendee Phil Tipton, 46, told reporters Monday that he was "humbled" to have his name included in the Minnesota Twins baseball cap used for the event's door-prize drawing. "Just having a slip of paper with my name on it alongside [club president] Bill Sharpling and [treasurer] Gil Orman is more than enough of a prize for me," said Tipton, who expressed a similar sentiment after bidding in the same silent auction as St. Cloud transportation commissioner Hal Lerner during a 2005 muscular dystrophy fundraiser. "In a way, I already feel like I've won that car-detailing gift certificate." Upon losing the drawing, Tipton reportedly called the entire organization "bullshit" and tore a large 4-H banner off of the wall before storming out of the VFW hall. 
Obama Dogged By 'Bitter' Remarks #~# Barack Obama continues to be criticized after telling a San Francisco crowd that people in economically depressed towns were bitter about government and turned to religion and guns. What do you think? 
That Professor Lasky From Saved By The Bell: The College Years Was A Real Jerk #~# Let me begin by saying that I'm not one to start trouble or talk bad about someone behind their back. But I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and there's something I just need to get off my chest: That Professor Lasky guy from Saved By The Bell: The College Years was a jerk. There, I said it.
Shark! #~# As the weather warms up, a lot more people will be making their way to this beautiful beach. Right now, we only have about a handful—some teenagers treading water, a couple little kids playing out by the buoys just beyond my line of sight and separated from their parents—maybe a dozen diehards out here looking to escape their regular routine for a day of surf and sun. But in two months, these beaches will be filled with people, and it's important to give everyone a little refresher on beach safety before it's too late.
Florida Legalizes Taking Guns To Work #~# Florida legislators passed a bill allowing citizens to bring their guns to work. Here are some of the other pro-gun laws enacted recently.
Oprah Launches Own Reality #~# (CHICAGO)—Calling it the next logical step in her celebrated career, and a groundbreaking achievement in applied quantum field theory, media giant Oprah Winfrey unveiled her latest project Monday: a completely separate realm of existence, known as >OpraH, which she will control on the subatomic level.
One in Five Scientists Use Brain Enhancing Drugs #~# One in five respondents to a poll conducted by the journal Nature said they had used drugs to boost their brain power. What do you think? 
Mass E-Mail Only Has Four Recipients #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—A self-described mass e-mail containing the subject line "URGENT: Please help!" was sent from Jerrod32@gmail.com to only four different in-boxes, the handful of recipients reported Wednesday. "Dear friends, family, and everybody else," the message, which did not use the bcc feature and was clearly sent to jjones@msu.edu, marissa_daly@gmail.com, skimpy831@hotmail.com, and marissa_daly@yahoo.com, read in part. "Sorry for the mass e-mail, but this is important, and time is of the essence." As of press time, none of those who received the e-mail had, as requested, Dugg the sender's comment on the "Top 7 Most Annoying Video Game Enemies," since they all immediately deleted the message. 
Bed Found In Fundamentalist Temple #~# Authorities searching a temple in the Texas compound of the Fundamentalist Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints found a bed they believe was where underage brides were forced to have sex with their new husbands. What do you think? 
Gay Guy's Gay Thing Well Attended #~# ROCHESTER, NY—According to gay sources, local gay guy Joshua Norstrand's latest gay dance party or art thing was attended by as many as 50 other gays.  "Josh's [gay] events are always a big hit," said fellow gay guy Michael Whitmore, who thankfully did not go into detail about whatever goes on at those things.  "What can I say? The [gay] man was born to entertain [other gay men]." Norstrand could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly on a business trip for his job as a gay web consultant.  
Southwest Airlines Now Taking Passengers To Destinations By Shuttle Bus #~# DALLAS—In what the company is calling a "bold new leap" in comfort, convenience and overall quality of travel, Southwest Airlines announced Monday that it would be replacing its entire fleet of passenger jets and planes with daily shuttle buses.
Grandfathers Accidentally Switched At Hospital #~# LOS ANGELES—In yet another disturbing case of hospital negligence, two elderly grandfathers were accidentally switched at the Cedar-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles and sent home with the wrong families, sources reported Monday.
Sabra Hummus: Cedar's Hummus Lacks Experience Necessary To Become America's No. 1 Hummus #~# NEW YORK—Sabra Hummus blasted rival Cedar's Hummus Monday for lacking the ability, competence, and texture that Americans deserve from their hummus. "People of this country don't want some flash-in-the-pan hummus," said Sabra chairman Yehuda Pearl, adding that Sabra's strong coalition of mashed up chickpeas, sesame tahini, lemon juice, and garlic is virtually unbeatable. "When it's 3 a.m., which hummus do Americans trust for their pita chip–dipping? Some new hummus that makes a lot of promises about taste, or a hummus with over 20 years experience serving the American people?" Critics of both brands say that Sabra and Cedar's are essentially the same, offering citizens no difference in flavor, protein content, and quality. 
Beer Production Threatened By Climate Change #~# According to New Zealand climatologist Jim Salinger, climate change may result in reduced malted barley, which would limit beer production. What do you think? 
Area Man Makes It Through Day #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—Despite an overwhelming, seemingly endless barrage of frustrations, area systems analyst Adam Blume made it through the entire day Tuesday, overcoming the odds against him in a Herculean display of courage, perseverance, and the indomitable human spirit.
100 Most Preposterous TV Moments #~# NBC
Congress Wondering What Happened With That Whole Roger Clemens Thing #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Members of Congress wondered aloud yesterday whether or not they were supposed to follow up on former pitcher Roger Clemens' four-and-a-half hour testimony before the House Committee of Oversight and Reform or if "that whole thing was over." "Did we decide if we were actually going to do something with that? Or were we just, I don't know, asking?" Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-MD) asked fellow congressmen, adding that hopefully somebody wrote Clemens' testimony down just in case they do ever need it for anything. "I mean, nobody's said anything to me about it. I just saw him on television the other day and remembered he was here. That was Clemens that was here, yeah? Hey, why was he here anyway?" Cummings later asked if Clemens testified before Congress this year or last year, and was shocked to learn that his appearance was in fact just under two months ago. 
San Francisco Giants Band Together To Score Run #~# MILWAUKEE—The San Francisco Giants put aside their differences Sunday night, working together as a team in a common effort to score a run in a baseball game. The scrappy nine-man crew overcame daunting odds to cobble together the run, as each player used his individual strengths and skills to help string together an unlikely series of events—including a walk, advancement on a wild pitch, an infield single, and perhaps most selfless of all, a ground into double play—that ultimately resulted in a Giant crossing home plate. "This just shows you what a team can do when they put their mind to it," said Giants first-baseman Dan Ortmier, who was swarmed by his celebrating teammates at home plate after scoring the run. The Giants lost to the Brewers 12-1. 
Committee Of College Basketball Nets: 'Please Stop Cutting Us' #~# SAN ANTONIO—The Committee of College Basketball Nets, a social responsibility coalition consisting of 31 basketball nets from all NCAA Division I conferences, used the University of Kansas' 75-68 victory over the University of Memphis Monday as a platform to further their cause of preventing celebrating players and coaches from savagely cutting down basketball nets. "As we speak, another two nets have been lost," basketball net ACC told reporters during a press conference, adding that though it understands the importance of tradition, the cutting down of college basketball nets with scissors is "an inherently barbaric practice that has no place in civilized society." "Those nets that were cut tonight had futures. They might have gone on to be with a family in a backyard or driveway somewhere—maybe they could have even gone pro. But instead they were cut down in their prime. Please, on behalf of all of us, stop." When asked if the net had any other causes it wanted to champion, it responded, "Other then wanting people to stop cutting basketball nets? No." 
Homeland Security Waives Environmental Law #~# The Department of Homeland Security used its authority to waive environmental and land-management laws to complete a 670-mile border fence between the United States and Mexico. What do you think? 
Jason Giambi Day-To-Day With Sore Groin, If You Know What He Means #~# NEW YORK—Jason Giambi will miss the next several games due to soreness in his groin, if you catch the Yankee first baseman's drift, because in recent weeks Giambi has apparently been applying too much pressure to his groin area, if you know what he means—and he thinks you know what he means. "Last night, I was rounding third base, when I felt a sudden stiffness in my groin," Giambi told members of the media while holding his hands approximately two feet from his pelvic region and slowly gyrating his hips in a suggestive fashion. "Something had to be done to reduce the fluid buildup. If you see where I'm going here." Giambi assured reporters, however, that despite overextending his groin last night for two long hours, he would, hell yeah, be able to return to action tonight. He then winked five times. 
Goalie Clearly Living In Net #~# NASHVILLE—After reporters and fans observed a number of personal belongings accumulating around the south goal in Nashville's Sommet Center, members of the Predators organization acknowledged Tuesday that goaltender Dan Ellis has been residing in the net since signing as a free agent last June.
Olympic Torch Relay Difficulties #~# Roughhousing protesters forced Beijing Olympics personnel to extinguish the torch three times as the relay crossed France, but those were far from the only problems faced by China's much-criticized Olympic organizers:
Tim Duncan Offers To Do Taxes For Entire Spurs Team #~# SAN ANTONIO—As the playoffs grow nearer, Spurs center Tim Duncan has taken it on himself to ensure his team is focused, relaxed, and utterly prepared for tax day by offering to complete their state and federal forms himself. "C'mon, guys, just a couple days left in the regular season, and you know what that means—get your W-2s to me as soon as you can, plus records of any memorabilia sales or shoe endorsements you've done, and just as important, tell me about any deductible expenses you've incurred," Duncan told him teammates during a time-out with 3:40 left to play in the Spurs' 72-65 win over the Trailblazers Sunday. "Tony, I bet you put all your receipts in a shoebox again, didn't you? Manu, tell me if you've been sending more than 37 percent of your income overseas, because that's a whole different set of declaration forms I have to print out. Okay, got it? Break!" Duncan later disclosed to reporters that he paid over $865,000 in late-filing fees for the 2007 Spurs.
Judge Awards Heather Mills Writing Credit On 'Eleanor Rigby' #~# LONDON—In addition to the $48.6 million in child support recently awarded Sir Paul McCartney's estranged wife, Heather Mills, the 40-year-old activist announced Tuesday that she has successfully sued the legendary former Beatle for a writing credit on the classic 1966 song "Eleanor Rigby." "After being married to Paul for six long years, I have as much of a claim to that song as he does," Mills said of the pop masterpiece penned two years before her birth, which will henceforth be credited to "Mills-McCartney-Lennon." "But I'm not going to back down until I get everything I deserve, and that includes recognition for the guitar solo on 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps.'" A spokesperson for Mills said that the former glamour model will seek further damages in the form of having herself Photoshopped into all existing images of the iconic 1969 Abbey Road album cover.
Iraq War Memorial Planners Forced To Revise Length Again #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of the 4,000th U.S. military death in Iraq, the American Battle Monuments Commission announced Monday that, for the fifth time in the last 12 months, it will resume construction on the poignant final tribute to the brave men and women who continue to give their lives in the Iraq War.
Clintons Made $109 Million #~# According to recently released tax returns, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton and former president Bill Clinton have made $109 million since they left the White House. What do you think? 
If It's Any Consolation, I Am Going To Shoot Myself After I Kill All Of You #~# I want all of you to know that I totally empathize with everything you'll soon be going through. Nobody likes to learn that their lives are about to be snuffed out for no reason save that of random, irrational violence. It's a terrifying proposition, I know. But everyone's going to have to sacrifice a little here, and, for what it's worth, I'm not going to survive this upcoming murder spree any more than you are. So take solace in the fact that, right after I gun you all down next week without warning, I will immediately be shooting myself in the head, as well. 
Businessman Takes Power Bath #~# ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Citing a need to compete in today's "cutthroat" business environment, PricewaterhouseCoopers CEO Samuel DiPiazza has made it a habit to drive home from his Manhattan office once a day to rapidly indulge in a 15-minute power bath. "During today's session I got on three conference calls and appointed a new global board member, all while grabbing a few quick suds," a robed DiPiazza told reporters Monday after hurriedly blowing out the pineapple-orchid scented candles positioned around his modern, stainless steel bathroom. "No time to waste. I come home, draw up a quick bubble B, do a little videocon with the Japan people, slap on some brown-sugar-and-fig body butter, whip out the BlackBerry, and exfoliate the shit out of myself, and bam: totally refreshed and rejuved." An utterly relaxed DiPiazza swerved into oncoming traffic and died in a head-on collision while driving back to work later that day. 
Group Blasts Pork-Barrel Spending #~# The watchdog group Citizens Against Government Waste has released its latest edition of the "Pig Book," a list of government earmark spending the organization considers egregious. Here are some of the expenditures cited by the report:
I Can't Imagine Why Anybody Would Want To Stop Crying #~# Life has so many wonderful experiences to offer. Like sleep. Or ingestion and evacuation. But I find life offers few opportunities more rewarding than screaming like a maniac until your voice cracks with the strain, so that the entire universe can share in your distress. That's what life is all about, right? The sheer exhilarating thrill of nonstop crying at the top of your lungs. It's such an important part of why we are here—why would anybody ever want to do anything else?
Report: 84% Of Americans Currently Contestants #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report issued by the U.S. Department of Prizes Monday, 84 percent of Americans are, at any given moment, participants in a contest, giveaway, or game. "Not only are 20 percent of citizens participating in reality shows, but nearly triple that number are eligible for cash prizes simply by purchasing a lottery ticket, opening a bottle of soda, shopping in a supermarket, or by tuning in to WJYY's Ticket Tuesday every Tuesday between noon and 2 p.m.," the report read in part. "Perhaps more alarming, millions of Americans are currently being mailed literature explaining how they may have already won and not even know it." The report went on to point out that results are not valid in Alaska and Hawaii. 
Charlton Heston Dies #~# Charlton Heston, National Rifle Association spokesman and star of The Omega Man, The Ten Commandments, and Planet Of The Apes, died Saturday at 84. What do you think? 
Olympic Torch Used To Ignite Tibetan Protesters #~# BEIJING—A universally recognized symbol of goodwill, the Olympic torch was used to immolate hundreds of Tibetan protesters during its journey across mainland China last week, in what is being called a stirring display of competitive spirit and Chinese nationalism.    
Apple Tops Wal-Mart In Music Sales #~# According to the most current available retail statistics, Apple Inc. has surpassed Wal-Mart to become the No. 1 music retailer in the country. What do you think? 
Mead Releases New Grad-School-Ruled Notebook #~# RICHMOND, VA—After decades of only offering ruled notebook paper suitable for college-level education and below, school-supply giant Mead introduced its new grad-school-ruled notebook Monday, which features lines twice as narrow as college-ruled paper.
BP Opens Multi-Floor, 1,000-Pump Flagship Gas Station In Times Square #~# NEW YORK—Tourists and gas-lovers from around the nation flocked to New York City Saturday for the grand opening of the five-story, 1,000-pump "BP Town" gas station located in the heart of Times Square. "We drove all the way from San Diego just so we could fill up our tank here," mother of three Cyndi Matheson said. "Sure, the lines were four hours long and the gas is a little more expensive here, but even at $27.99 a gallon, it was worth it just to see the kids' faces light up. We're going to drive around for a few hours so we can come back." BP Town reported a successful opening weekend, having sold more than $2 million in gas and nearly $500,000 in souvenir beef jerky, sunflower seeds, and Hostess Donettes. 
New Texas-Style Yogurt To Feed Man-Size Hunger For Yogurt #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Yogurt manufacturer Yoplait unveiled its new line of Texas-style yogurt Tuesday, which they say is designed to satisfy even the hungriest man's voracious craving for acidified milk product.
Bernanke Says Recession Possible #~# Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said that the United States would face stagnation, and possibly recession, in the first half of 2008. What do you think? 
Comedian Jim Breuer At College Party For Some Reason #~# COLUMBIA, MO—Though he did not appear to have any scheduled performances in the area, stand-up comedian and former Saturday Night Live cast member Jim Breuer reportedly attended a party thrown for student John Harris' 19th birthday at the University of Missouri Saturday.
Computer Being Stupid #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—After multiple attempts to get the thing to do the thing, 38-year-old freelance writer Joe Garvin gave up Saturday, citing the fact that his stupid computer was too dumb to print something as simple as a travel itinerary. The computer, a PowerBook something with some kind of core that does this every single time, reportedly refused to just tell the printer to print even after Garvin spent a full 10 minutes yelling at it. "Why won't you just help me out here?" Garvin asked his computer after it started beeping at him just to rub it in. "I checked your nums lock already, and that's not it. What is the matter with you? I hate you." Although the computer will likely go on being retarded forever, Garvin refused to call tech support to resolve the problem, claiming they're all "Wha, wha, wha," and saying a bunch of stuff he doesn't even know what.
Weiland Out Of Velvet Revolver #~# Rock band Velvet Revolver has parted ways with singer Scott Weiland, saying in a statement that Weiland "wasn't 100 percent committed" to the fans or music. What do you think? 
Jose Canseco Composes Opera About Steroids #~# NEW YORK—Just days after the publication of Vindicated, his second book concerning the use of steroids in professional baseball, former steroid-using baseball player and current steroid-awareness advocate Jose Canseco has debuted La Anabolica, an opera concerning the use of steroids in professional baseball. "I've done books, interviews, public speaking appearances, improv, and theater-in-the-round on the theme of steroids, and I was looking for something fresh and new, " Canseco said from the stage of the Met. "I think my libretto—especially the climactic scene in which fair Don Giambi is tempted to use the magic golden steroids to defeat evil knights Die Rosensox and their enchanted beast Il Monsto Verde—is exactly what is needed to bring the message of steroids in baseball to a new audience." Critics have not been kind to La Anabolica, noting that "the lyrics mostly consist of the word 'steroids' chanted over and over" and that "the ending, which occurs as a steroid-enhanced fat lady sings, is doubly and almost impossibly clichéd." 
Memphis Players Have Long, Complicated Explanation Of How They Are This Year's 'Rumpelstiltzkin' Story #~# SAN ANTONIO—Although no Cinderella teams made it to this year's Final Four, the Memphis Tigers held an extended press conference Wednesday to explain to the press and public that they are in fact the "Rumpelstiltzkin" of this year's NCAA basketball tournament.
Knicks Fast Break Takes Two-And-A-Half Minutes #~# ATLANTA—A New York Knicks fast break which began with 8:34 remaining in the fourth quarter of Sunday's game against the Atlanta Hawks ended approximately two-and-a-half minutes later on a missed lay-up by shooting guard Jamal Crawford. The typically fast-paced basketball play, which began to take shape when a rebounding David Lee took 45 seconds to figure out which of his teammates would receive the outlet pass, was, according to Knicks coach Isiah Thomas, "A real sign of improvement." "Yes, it was a bit discouraging when we had to start the play over again because Nate [Robinson] forgot he was the point guard and just ran away from the ball, but after we all got on the same page, and when Quentin [Richardson] remembered that Jamal, not him, cuts to the hoop and then flashes ball side, I think we ended up running a pretty decent break," Thomas said in a post-game press conference. "Just because we ultimately had to carefully walk through it in order to get it right doesn't make it less effective." Thomas was not fired following the game. 
Dwight Howard Teaches Children At Library To Shoot Books Into Garbage Can #~# ORLANDO—Magic center Dwight Howard shared his love of books with boys and girls at the Orlando Public Library for five hours Saturday, teaching the group of 10-year-olds the basic fundamentals of shooting paperbacks, hardcovers, and even full sets of reference books into a nearby wastebasket as part of a community outreach program to promote literacy. "Books allowed me to escape the troubled Atlanta streets," Howard said, telling the children how, as a child, he would spend countless hours perfecting his jump shot, lay-up, and even dunks with the reading material at his local library. "Books helped me to fulfill my potential by showing me that anything is possible, as long as you focus on the hole of the garbage can rim and stay smooth on your follow-through." While Howard emphasized to the children the importance of foot placement, bending their knees, and stabilizing the book and guiding it, he stressed it was also vital to run to the trashcan following the shot to maximize offensive rebound opportunities. 
Friends Tell El Duque He Shouldn't Have To Change Windup For Mets To Like Him #~# NEW YORK—Close friends of Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez explained to the Mets pitcher Tuesday that, despite his team's attempts to get him to alter his unconventional delivery to alleviate the stress placed on his right push-off foot, Hernandez is great the way he is and should not have to change anything about his mechanics just to fit in on the Mets roster. "If the Mets don't want you to be their fifth starter, that's their loss," Hernandez's longtime friend Bob Cohn, 52, reportedly told the pitcher Tuesday. "Your windup is great. It's unique, it's quirky, it's flashy without being pretentious—Orlando, it's you." Cohn and Hernandez's other friends, however, later went on to suggest that maybe Hernandez might want to try possibly abandoning his high leg kick, "just to show a different side of yourself, you know?" 
MLB To Have Four More Opening Days This Season #~# MILWAUKEE—MLB commissioner Bud Selig announced Tuesday that, due to the success of last week's Japan Opening Day, Sunday's "Opening Night," and Monday's U.S. Opening Day, baseball would be holding several additional Opening Days throughout the course of the 2008 season. "There's nothing better than the childlike joy and renewed passion for baseball elicited by Opening Day," Selig said, "so why not continue having them periodically throughout the season?" In the coming months, MLB will celebrate "Opening Day Canada," the first Toronto Blue Jays home game; "Opening May," the first game played in the month of May; "Opening Day Curt Schilling," Curt Schilling's first game back from the DL; and "Opening Day," a game on Aug. 16 between the Cubs and the Marlins. Tickets are available starting at $150. 
Good Cop, Avid-Stamp-Collector Cop Routine Not Working #~# LOS ANGELES—An ongoing interrogation at the Los Angeles Police Department's downtown precinct has not been as successful as hoped, despite the fact that officers are employing the "tried and true" good cop, avid-stamp-collector cop routine, sources reported. "That's one tough bastard in there," Detective Mark Jacobson said of the suspect, who has already endured five hours of the classic psychological ploy in which Jacobson acts as a sympathetic confidant while his partner talks aggressively about stamps and stamp-collecting. "[Detective David] Linklater's in there right now giving that slimeball a good look at a rare original-print Dag Hammarskjöld invert. We'll break him." According to LAPD records, the Jacobson and Linklater duo has been among the precinct's most effective, creating more than 2,000 new philatelists and boasting nearly six arrests.
Smoove Is Waiting #~# Girl, there comes a time when even a strong, well-dressed man must admit defeat.
Crowd-Related Disasters #~# Merely watching a sporting event can be dangerous, as we were reminded when 40 people were burned by malfunctioning fireworks at last week's Wrestlemania. Onion Sports recounts other past instances of spectator endangerment:
Wacky Morning Zoo Crew DJ Threatened By Younger, Wackier Morning Zoo Crew DJ #~# ATLANTA—Unyielding feelings of self-doubt have plagued popular Atlanta-area Zoo Crew DJ Steve "The Hedgehog" Stevens since early Monday morning, when the longtime WROZ radio personality's wackiness-confidence was shaken by a younger, wackier arrival on the Morning Zoo Crew staff. "I've been using the same toilet-flush sound effect for years, and yesterday Nutjob [Bob Sienkiewicz] called it 'tired,'" said Stevens, 44. "Furthermore, 'Drive-Time Atlanta''s 'Freaky Friday Follies' has featured my Bush impression novelty songs since before that upstart ever honked a bicycle horn. But, what if he's right?" According to sources close to him, the anxiety-stricken Stevens has lain sleepless in bed the past three nights, staring at the ceiling, endlessly reliving every listener call-in requesting Nutjob Bob's hugely popular "Fart-Talker" character, and pondering the soul-crushing futility of existence. 
Farmers Planting Less Corn #~# Despite a record demand for corn caused in part by ethanol fuel, American farmers are expected to plant 8 percent less corn in 2008 than they did last year. What do you think? 
Blood...Blood Everywhere #~# DAVENPORT, IA—In what eyewitnesses described as some kind of terrible dream come true, a warm and viscous liquid identified only as blood…dear God, blood…spilled forth from every conceivable direction Monday.
Celebrity Drug Busts #~# Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora is the latest in a rash of celebrities charged with DUI. What other celebrities have suffered public or legal embarrassment for being under the influence of drugs or alcohol?
Search For 'Kick-Ass Shelves' Continues #~# WARRENTON, OR—After two months of fruitless searching, roommates Trevor Hyzer and Frank Janikowski said Monday that they would not stop looking until they found what they described as the "holy grail" of sweet-ass shelves. "Our upstairs neighbor had these wicked killer shelves that he promised we could have when he moved out, but then he decided to renew his lease," said Hyzer, who initially thought that stacking plain wooden planks on top of cinderblocks might make for some kick-ass old-school shelves, but said they ultimately looked like lame, cheap-ass shelves. "Then Frank ordered this bad-ass corner unit from IKEA, but they came with these gay little side-mount wall brackets. 'Some assembly required'? More like 'some dick-sucking required.'" Despite their lack of luck, the two remain confident that the super-fucking-mind-blowing, shit-your-pants-sweet shelves they seek are out there somewhere. 
Al-Qaeda Recruiting Western-Looking Operatives #~# Central Intelligence Director Michael Hayden said on Meet The Press that al-Qaeda was training operatives who "look Western" in order to pass undetected. What do you think? 
Restaurant Patrons Entranced By Sizzling Order Of Fajitas #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Some two dozen patrons at a local Chili's Grill & Bar were reportedly transfixed Tuesday when a sizzling order of chicken fajitas was carried from the kitchen across the dining room to a waiting customer, sources said. 
Barr May Take Republican Votes #~# Former Republican congressman Bob Barr of Georgia was nominated as the Libertarian Party's presidential candidate and may take votes away from John McCain. What do you think? 
Poke With Stick Confirms Raccoon's Death #~#  HINSDALE, IL—Upon arriving on the scene of a possible raccoon fatality, brothers Jason Everson, 11, and Tyler Everson, 9, were able to positively confirm the small rodent's demise by carefully prodding the lifeless creature several times with a stick, sources reported Tuesday. The Eversons resorted to the highly reliable jabbing test only after a thorough tossing of rocks and an empty soda can at the small mammal yielded no reaction. "We threw stuff at it and then ran away," Jason Everson said of their preliminary investigation. "But we couldn't tell if the stone moved it, or if it was one of those animals that played dead and then bites you." Once they had obtained conclusive proof that the raccoon was deceased, both of the brothers on the scene reportedly wished it was still alive. 
Closing Of Homeless Shelter Leaves College-Application-Padding Students With Nowhere To Turn #~# NEW YORK— After years of providing hope and assistance to resume-padding volunteers, the Second District Homeless Shelter closed its doors this week, leaving hundreds of desperate students without anything to write under "Other Interests."
Parking-Lot Surveillance Cam #~# DISC
Midwestern Tornado Destroys 4 World's Largest Objects #~# SAC CITY, IA—A category F4 tornado ravaged large sections of Iowa, Illinois, Minnesota and Wisconsin Sunday, killing 15 people and irreparably damaging four of the world's largest novelty objects, including a prized 150-foot fiberglass muskie and a two-ton bail of hay in Minnesota. "It's horrifying, there are three-foot wide pieces of popcorn ball everywhere," said Midwesterner Emily Roberts, whose garage was leveled when powerful winds dropped Sac City, IA's record-breaking confection onto its roof. "That damn popcorn ball used to be the pride of our city. It's so senseless." Even as volunteers worked tirelessly to clean up debris from the World's Largest Ball of Yarn in Rockford, IL, the city's mayor had already invited Guinness World Records officials to oversee the dedication of the World's Largest Knot. 
Big Brown Continues Three-Year Media Silence #~# NEW YORK—Following a Tuesday morning workout in preparation for the upcoming Belmont Stakes, three-year-old thoroughbred Big Brown maintained his three-year media silence by trotting past reporters and ignoring questions regarding the health of his hoof, changes to his training regimen, and his reasons for firing his longtime agent James "Bus" Cook. "Big Brown is an intensely private athlete who prefers to lets his actions dictate his legacy rather than his words," said agent Drew Rosenhaus, whom the undefeated thoroughbred hired on May 24. "Reporters are always trying to second-guess him, but this is one individual who is dedicated to his sport. He may not speak to you, but Big Brown is always telling me how thankful he is for the opportunities he's been given." Neither Big Brown nor Rosenhaus would comment on whether or not Brown had in fact been shopping with Hillary Swank in an upscale SoHo boutique Saturday.
Advances In Sports Medicine #~# The increased popularity of sports has done more than entertain—it's paid dividends in medical advances as well. Some of the more notable breakthroughs:
God Wastes Miracle On Running Catch In Outfield #~# HEAVEN—Rather than use His almighty power to breathe life back into the 130,000 people who perished in the Myanmar cyclone, rebuild an earthquake-destroyed China, or bring a lasting peace to the Middle East, the Lord God wasted a divine miracle Monday by granting Angels centerfielder Torii Hunter the ability to make a dramatic but otherwise routine running catch in the outfield. "I know many of My children believe My omnipotence would be better spent in ways other than affecting the contest between the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and Detroit Tigers, and truth be told, there is a possibility Mr. Hunter would have made that catch on his own. But it was a very close game that the Angels really deserved to win," said God, adding that He answered the heartfelt prayers of nearly 50,000 Los Angeles fans by allowing Hunter to make the grab. "Everyone—even the first place Angels, who need to win just a few more close games to give them the confidence to make a World Series run—deserves God's help, not just those suffering from AIDS." God denied that His handiwork was responsible for Angels third baseman Chone Figgins waking up Wednesday morning with no pain in his right hamstring, saying He was as surprised as anyone.  
Bulls Blow NBA Draft Lottery Win On More NBA Draft Lottery Tickets #~# CHICAGO—Just days after beating long odds in the NBA Draft Lottery by winning the 2008 draft's first pick, the Chicago Bulls shocked the basketball world by announcing that they would trade their prize in on yet more NBA lottery tickets.
Germans Making 'Green' Bombs #~# Scientists in Germany are experimenting with new environmentally friendly explosives to use in combat. What do you think? 
Nintendo Releases 'Phil Mickelson's Wacky Left-Handed Golf Tour' #~# NEW YORK—During a live demonstration at Nintendo's flagship Manhattan store Tuesday, company CEO Satoru Iwata debuted the company's new Phil Mickelson's Wacky Left-Handed Golf Tour for the Wii system, saying that he only needed to watch† Mickelson swing his driver once before being inspired to create multiple topsy-turvy three-dimensional left-handed mirror-worlds in which oversize golf balls explode in midair, massive sand-trap monsters engulf players, and tee shots are pushed 12,000 yards left of their intended target. "All the playable Miis become left handed," said a visibly giggly Iwata, adding that the game will come with special controllers consisting of a left-handed driver, iron, putter, and ball retriever. "Whether you are putting a ball into the mouth of a pink rhinoceros, or making sure your next shot lands on a cloud, you are doing it left-handed! You will look so silly playing in the upside down-world of Mr. Mickelson!" Satoru confirmed there would be a lengthy single-player quest mode in which gamers play as Mickelson and try to overthrow evil right-handed golfer Lion Forrest. 
ESPN The Magazine Editor: 'Look At All The Pretty Pictures' #~# BRISTOL, CT—Gary Belsky, editor-in-chief of ESPN The Magazine, expressed satisfaction and delight with the mockup of his publication's latest issue Wednesday, flipping gleefully through the pages and staring in mesmerized awe at the multitude of "pretty, pretty pictures." "Oooooooooooooohhhhhh," said Belsky, sensuously running his fingers along a two-page-spread photograph of Royals outfielders Joey Gathright and David DeJesus leaping for a fly ball. "Soooo shiiiiiiny." Belsky went on to say that the magazine cover was "so glossy smooth," that the letters were very, very big and in all different pretty-pretty colors, and that there should be more ads. 
8-Year-Old Little Leaguer, 31-Year-Old Professional Given Same Hitting Advice #~# PHILADELPHIA—8-year-old Easton, PA Little Leaguer Tyler Jenson and 31-year-old professional baseball player Pat Burrell were given identical tips on improving their swings and properly hitting a baseball Monday night. "Remember to keep your elbow up, keep your knees bent, and keep your eye on the ball," said both 45-year-old hardware-store manager and father of three Dale Kremke and retired Major League Baseball veteran of 18 years Milt Thompson to the two struggling hitters. "Watch the ball out of the pitcher's hand, and just meet the ball with the bat. Come on, now, just takes one." Both Burrell and Jenson struck out in their next at bat and returned to their respective dugouts in tears.
Desperate Chives Marketing Board Launches 'Big Bowl O' Chives In The Mornin'' Campaign #~# NEW YORK—In response to flagging sales and plummeting prices, the American Chives Council launched a last-ditch advertising campaign Monday urging consumers to increase their daily chive intake by 12,000 percent. "There's nothing like a hearty, fragrant helping of chives to jump-start your day," celebrity spokeswoman Jessica Alba says in one of the new "Big Bowl o' Chives in the Mornin'" commercials, which feature the actress smiling broadly with chives stuck in her teeth. "But that doesn't mean eating a big bowl of chives is just for breakfast. The American Chives Council recommends three heaping servings a day. The bigger the better. Get some chives in ya!" Despite the push, analysts predict that the chive industry will continue to struggle, citing the ongoing repercussions of the ACC's ill-fated 2005 split with the American Sour Cream Association. 
Anti-Smoking Drug Linked To Accidents #~# The Federal Drug Administration has banned the use of the anti-smoking drug Chantix by pilots or air traffic controllers, citing side effects that have been linked to auto accidents. What do you think? 
Poconos? I Hardly Know Her! #~# Here's one: What's green and pink and red all over? Give up? Why it's ol' Roger "Bermuda Shorts" Dudek back from a sunny weekend in Pennsylvania! That's right, folks, I finally took a vacation after years of avoiding the sunlight like an Irish vampire who works the nightshift. I packed up all of my luggage—and by that I mean my wife and kids—and spent some time in a beautiful little place called the Poconos (which is Native American for "the Great Wallet Emptier"). But as the old saying goes, "No good vacation goes unpunished."
American To Charge For First Checked Bag #~# American Airlines announced that they would be charging $15 for a customer’s first checked bag. What new revenue streams are the other airlines implementing?
Obama Practices Looking-Off-Into-Future Pose #~# CHICAGO—As the 2008 presidential election draws closer, Democrat Barack Obama has reportedly been working tirelessly with his top political strategists to perfect his looking-off-into-the-future pose, which many believe is vital to the success of the Illinois senator's campaign.
We've Been Planning This Sepia Wild West Family Portrait Too Long For You To Mess It Up #~# I like fun. This family is all about fun. It's the linchpin of our togetherness. In a few weeks, the carnival is coming to town, and you know what that means. It means the Becker family will be going to Black Bart's Olde-Tyme Western Photo Booth to be photographed in period-appropriate garb under an authentic, brownish tint. But before we are transported to the time of Wild Bill Hickok, let me make one thing very clear: If you so much as think about ruining this special moment for your mother and sisters and me, I will ground you so fast it'll make your head spin.
Stolen Tour Bus Leads Police On Chase Of Historic Downtown Philadelphia #~# PHILADELPHIA—Police were led on a reckless, high-speed pursuit past more than a dozen of downtown Philadelphia's most historically fascinating locations Tuesday, when an armed assailant hijacked a tour bus full of elderly retirees visiting from Cincinnati. "The suspect took command of the vehicle at Chestnut Street, home to Philadelphia's famous Carpenter's Hall, where the First Continental Congress met, and then fled north in the southbound lane of Sixth Street towards the Liberty Bell," said police commissioner Charles H. Ramsey, adding that the driver would have gotten a great view of Independence Hall at sunset had he had not careened off Walnut Street at 45 mph. "He then led police past several Victorian homes, including Edgar Allen Poe's residence from 1838 to 1844, where he penned such classics as the 'The Pit and the Pendulum' and 'The Tell-Tale Heart.'" Police reports indicate the chase ended when the tour bus jumped a curb, slammed into a cheesesteak stand, and exploded in a ball of flames. 
Playboy's Soft Quarter #~# Playboy Enterprises announced that they lost $3.1 million for the first quarter of 2008. What do you think? 
Court Upbraids Texas Over Polygamists #~# A Texas appeals court ruled that the state had no business taking more than 400 children from a polygamist compound outside of San Angelo. What do you think? 
That Guy From That One Show Attempting Comeback #~# LOS ANGELES—According to sources who caught the tail end of one of those Entertainment Tonight–type shows, that guy who used to be on that one show with all the ambulances is attempting a comeback by guest-starring as a waiter on one of those shows about rich ladies. "Hey, it's that guy," television viewer Gerard Lund said. "Good for him. I remember I used to like him on that show about the karate doctor." Lund added that he initially had trouble placing the guy because he got pretty fat in rehab. 
Report: Women Increasingly Choosing Dead-End Careers Over Dead-End Relationships #~# COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a report published Monday in The Journal Of Gender Studies, many American women are bucking centuries of traditional gender roles by placing stunted, emotionally unfulfilling relationships on hold in order to pursue mind-numbing careers devoid of any upward mobility.
Area Man Has Great Idea For Slam Dunk #~# TORRINGTON, WY—Local export licenser Andy Rosenwald, 47, announced Monday that he recently came up with a revolutionary new idea for a slam dunk, and that he is willing to share the idea with any professional basketball player who would like to perform it.
Bush Announces 8-Month Plan To Steal Favorite Desk Lamp #~# WASHINGTON—With his term in office coming to an end in less than a year, President Bush announced Monday that he will spend the remainder of his presidency implementing an initiative that will have as-yet-unknown implications for his successors: the stealing of a coveted $27 desk lamp from the East Room of the White House. "Securing this lamp for my den in Crawford has long been a goal of my presidency," Bush said of the plan, which at present consists of the president making sure no one is in the room before cramming the lamp under his shirt and hurriedly boarding a helicopter that will be  waiting in the Rose Garden. "In order to facilitate this imperative, historic measure, I have created a new cabinet-level position whose primary responsibilities will be to act as a lookout and create any necessary diversions needed to ensure the swiping of the lamp." Bush's lamp-stealing plan will reportedly cost taxpayers $3.75 billion. 
Americans May Send Cell Phones To Cuba #~# President Bush announced that people living in the United States will soon be allowed to send cell phones to Cuba. What do you think? 
Nation's Poorest 1% Now Controls Two-Thirds Of U.S. Soda Can Wealth #~# WASHINGTON—A report on growing disparities in the concentration of U.S. aluminum-can wealth, released Tuesday by the Department of Commerce, revealed that 66 percent of the nation's recyclable assets are now held by the poorest 1 percent of the population.
Centaur Of Attention #~# ABC
Handicapping The 2008 Belmont Stakes #~# The last race of the 2008 Triple Crown brings the prospect of the first Triple Crown winner in 30 years. Onion Sports rates at all the top horses:
Derek Lowe Asks Coach If He Could Dip Out Around Fourth Inning #~# LOS ANGELES—Dodgers pitcher Derek Lowe asked manager Joe Torre if he could duck out around the fourth inning of his start against the Cardinals this Saturday so that he could hang out with his former college buddy, Greg, who will be flying in from Chicago. "I hate to cut out early like that, but I promised Greg I'd show him Grauman's Chinese Theater and where they tape Jimmy Kimmel Live," Lowe told Torre, adding that if he stayed the full game, by the time he took a shower and left the stadium it would be close to midnight and Greg might be too tired to hang out. "I mean, it's not like we don't have a bunch of pitchers around here, and I promise I'll make it up to the team sometime. Just not next week, since my parents are coming in and I know they're going to want to get brunch Sunday." When asked for comment, Torre said that it was fine if Lowe left early, as he wasn't expecting Lowe to make it past the third inning anyway. 
NBA Announcer Would Hate To See It Come Down To That #~# BOSTON—Citing that thus far it had been a cleanly played game in which both teams were playing excellent basketball on both ends of the court, NBA announcer Jon Barry said he could plausibly imagine a situation in which the outcome of the contest would be determined by a petty action antithetical to the spirit of basketball, a dispiriting event he would hate to witness. "Not only would I hate to see it come down to that, but most important, basketball fans in this arena as well as those watching around the world deserve better," said Barry, adding that if and when this type of thing happens, one has to question whether or not certain rules should be looked at more closely or possibly even changed. "It would just be a real shame." Commentators Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson agreed with Barry, stating that as a former coach and player respectively, they also hated when it came down to that, but grudgingly acknowledged it was just part of the game. 
'Wheel Of Fortune' Contestants Hit Hard As Vowel Prices Skyrocket #~# LOS ANGELES—Contestants on the television game show Wheel Of Fortune have been hit especially hard at the podiums in recent months due to skyrocketing vowel prices, which reached a record $600 last week. "I remember a time when you could get an 'e' for $250," 46-year-old contestant Samantha Means said after a Wednesday taping. "But as Wheel contestants, we've become so dependent on vowels to solve puzzles that the producers can get away with jacking up prices because they know we'll pay them. We need a legitimate vowel alternative, but I don't think we're ready for that. I know I'm not." According to Wheel Of Fortune show runner Charlie Clark, vowel prices are not likely to come down anytime soon unless America improves its standing in the Middle East. 
Pacman Jones: 'Who Do I Have To Kill To Get Reinstated Into The NFL?' #~# DALLAS—Noting that it has been over a year since his supposed one-year suspension from the NFL for his involvement in off-the-field criminal incidents, cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones wondered aloud Monday as to whom he had to kill to begin playing football again. "Man, what does [NFL commissioner Robert] Goodell want me to do, straight up gank someone? Choke someone out? Knife a guy? Put a bullet through some dude's earhole? Because I'm willing to do whatever it takes," Jones said to reporters present to watch him move into his new Dallas home. "Just say a name and the man is dead before you put the phone down, I want to play so bad." Goodell said he would be glad to meet with Jones before camp begins in order to discuss his future and stressed that Jones should please not kill him. 
Self-Deprecating WNBA Commercial Backfires #~# NEW YORK—The WNBA's recent "Expect Great" series of promotional spots, which feature players including Candace Parker and Tamika Catchings uttering phrases such as "Women's basketball is a joke" and "I'm sorry, but you couldn't pay me to watch the WNBA" produced the exact opposite of their intended effect, millions of TV viewers reported Monday. "I was wondering if I hadn't been too hard on the WNBA, but then this ad accurately and concisely confirmed all of my misgivings with the league—they had the players themselves say stuff like, 'Nothing exciting ever happens,' and, 'If you want to see real basketball, don't watch me,'" said sports fan Dave Tedrick. "I guess I was right all along." Later that night, an emotionally charged, highly persuasive ad featuring LPGA star Lorena Ochoa proclaiming the excitement of women's golf convinced Tedrick to watch the entirety of next weekend's McDonald's LPGA Championship. 
Kennedy Has Brain Cancer #~# While hospitalized for a mysterious seizure, Sen. Ted Kennedy learned he has a malignant brain tumor. What do you think? 
George Steinbrenner Dies While Telling Sons Secret To Running Yankees #~# TAMPA, FL—While on his deathbed in his Tampa home, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner ordered his hospice nurse out of the room, motioned for his sons Hal and Hank to come closer, and began whispering the generations-old secret to making the Yankees a winning ballclub before abruptly dying mid-speech. "He just said, 'All you have to do to ensure the continued success of the Yankee franchise is…is…yell… at…' and then he was gone," Hank Steinbrenner told reporters Monday morning. "I kept banging his chest and screaming 'Yell at who?! Who are we supposed to yell at? Wake up, you old bastard!' but it was too late. We did, however, find this mysterious golden amulet in his pocket…but that can't be it, can it? Can it?" He then announced plans to fire every employee in the company one by one until the Yankees return to first place. 
Nike Signs Big Brown To $90 Million Horseshoe Contract #~# PORTLAND, OR—In a move that added the world's pre-eminent equine athlete to its stable of endorsers Tuesday, Nike signed Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes winner Big Brown to a seven-year, $80 million endorsement contract that included a $10 million signing bonus as well as the creation of a signature horseshoe, the Air Brown.
Must…Stay…Awake… #~# It's no secret our economy has reached the point that my eyelids…are drooping. Face…falling toward keyboard. Energy level…sinking fast, but cannot stop now! Must…keep…typing op-ed piece. Deadline…looming! Article due! Cannot allow…self to sleep…precious, precious sleep… until finished….
Obama, Clinton, McCain Join Forces To Form Nightmare Ticket #~# WASHINGTON—Presidential hopefuls John McCain (R-AZ), Barack Obama (D-IL), and Hillary Clinton (D-NY) announced Monday their plans to form what many Beltway observers have already dubbed the "2008 Nightmare Ticket," a calculated move that political analysts say offers voters the worst of both worlds.
Nation Suspects Leads In Local High School Play May Be Dating #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Citing their intensity during rehearsals as well as their offstage closeness, thousands of citizens across the country are beginning to suspect that Jason Dillow, 17, and Amanda White, 16, stars of John Adams High School's production of Guys And Dolls, may be dating. "Given the amount of time Jason and Amanda spend with each other running lines, it's becoming quite clear that their relationship extends beyond the play," said 46-year-old carpenter Dave Barnes of Paterson, NJ. "Are the American people supposed to believe that there is nothing going on between those two when they always somehow end up sitting together in the back-rub circle?" Though millions of Americans are convinced that the young thespians are in fact a couple, a large segment of the population ardently maintains that Dillow is a flaming homo. 
Senator Byrd Endorses Obama #~# Ninety-year-old Senate president pro tempore and former Klansman Robert Byrd endorsed Barack Obama for Democratic nominee for president. What do you think? 
Celebrity Congressional Testimony #~# Last week, actor Dennis Quaid addressed Congress on the subject of medical errors following the near death of his twin infants. What other topics have celebrities brought before Congress?
If You're Like Me, Then You Love '80s Music And Haven't Spoken To Your Brother In 10 Years #~# I don't know about you, but I'll never forget the music of my youth. Ah, yes, the 1980s: those good times you never wanted to end—and now they don't have to! Because Time Life has put together an incredible collection with all your favorite hits from the '80s, that totally tubular decade when we went a little punk, rode the New Wave, and saw the beginnings of a painful, slowly brewing rift with our older brother, Tom, that would ultimately sever our relationship completely.
'Indy' Not So Hot #~# Following a screening of the long-awaited Indiana Jones movie at the Cannes Film Festival, reviews have been lukewarm at best. What do you think? 
New Madonna Album Hailed As Available For Purchase #~# LONDON—Pop superstar Madonna has once again wowed music critics and consumers alike with her latest offering, Hard Candy, an album that has garnered unanimous praise for the ease with which it can be exchanged for money. "Fans will find this record just as for sale as anything else in Madonna's wonderfully obtainable oeuvre," said NME staff writer Henry Carter, who also lauded individual tracks on Hard Candy as being available for 99 cents each on iTunes. "There's something here that anyone can pay for, whether they are longtime buyers of Madonna's albums or new to spending money on her music." Although Hard Candy has only been available for three weeks, its format of a two-channel 16-bit PCM encoding at a 44.1 kHz sampling rate per channel has already drawn comparisons to such classic CDs as the Beatles' Abbey Road and the Spin Doctors' Turn It Upside Down.
Edwards Endorses Obama #~# After months of speculation, former presidential candidate John Edwards has endorsed Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination for President. What do you think? 
New Hefty Ad Campaign Targets Body-Disposing Demographic #~# LAKE FOREST, IL—Hefty Consumer Products unveiled a new ad campaign this week touting its line of trash bags as the only ones capable of handling tough and messy corpse-removal jobs.
Desperate Hillary To Obama: 'Next Vote Wins' #~# WASHINGTON—Significantly trailing Sen. Barack Obama in delegates, Sen. Hillary Clinton made a last-ditch effort to settle the hotly contested presidential race Monday, when she loudly shouted a proposal that the candidate who gets the next vote wins the Democratic nomination. "All sides have battled long and hard, and now it is time to take up a fair and impartial method for deciding this: next vote takes all," Clinton said, adding that she was crossing her fingers behind her back to ensure that the electoral process is allowed to take its course. "Although I am open to discussing the feasibility of implementing a best-two-out-of-three policy, it has become clear the only way to settle this historic campaign is whoever can run to that door first—go!" Members of the Obama campaign disputed the results of the footrace, pointing out that the Illinois senator had long ago called for ace of black magic times infinity with no backsies. 
That Show Your Ex Used To Like #~# ABC
New Roommate Hopes Five-Hour Fuckfest Didn't Keep You Up #~# OSHKOSH, WI—Roommate Brian Penderman, 26, announced Monday morning that he hopes the loud bumping, grinding, and moaning of the five-hour-long fuckfest he had with his girlfriend did not in any way prevent you from sleeping last night.
Tomato Genetically Modified To Be More Expensive #~# PASADENA, CA—Geneticists at the California Institute of Technology announced Monday that they have developed a tomato with a 31 percent larger price tag than a typical specimen of the vine-ripened fruit. "By utilizing an exciting new breakthrough in gene-splicing technology, we've been able to manipulate this new tomato with recombinant DNA in such a manner as to make it nearly as pricey as a similarly sized tangelo," said Dr. Lee Nolan, who headed up the project. "Genetically modified crops such as this will be instrumental in helping average grocers keep pace with unaffordable organic stores such as Whole Foods." In addition to vastly surpassing similar produce in expense, the new tomato will reportedly wipe out four species of ladybugs.
San Diego Zoo, Prison Merge #~# SAN DIEGO—Plagued by a lack of funding and growing staff shortages, the San Diego Zoo and Ironwood State Prison were combined earlier this week, bringing local inmates and wildlife together for the first time under the same roof. 
Vatican Okays Space Aliens #~# Vatican chief astronomer Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes stated that belief in extraterrestrial life is not contradictory with church doctrine because aliens would still be God's creatures. What do you think? 
That's What Host Of 'Showtime At The Apollo' Talking About #~# NEW YORK—Early reports indicate that yes—yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes—exactly what Showtime At The Apollo host Capone is talking about has occurred on stage at the Apollo Theater very recently. After admitting that he gots to give it up, and demanding that y'all better do so as well, Capone indicated that it is his belief that all the sisters know it, all the sisters out there shaking their heads, all the sisters know what it is he is talking about. He later went on to point out that one brother in the crowd be looking around like uh-oh, uh-oh, no, no. At press time, exactly what Capone was talking about remained unclear. 
Piggly Wiggly Scouting Report Indicates J.J. Hardy Enjoys Rib-Eye Steaks #~# MILWAUKEE—A Piggly Wiggly-sponsored scouting report shown during an at-bat by Brewers shortstop J.J. Hardy Sunday indicated that his major weakness is a hankering for Piggly Wiggly-brand certified angus beef boneless rib-eye steaks, now just $4.99 a pound. "J.J. is very strong when it comes to purchasing three Ole El Paso Mexican Dinner Kits for $5, but he's struggled lately with Golden Flake-brand potato chips, as he hasn't bought a single bag since last August," said FSN North play-by-play announcer Brian Anderson, reading from the onscreen scouting report. "Perhaps [opposing Cardinals pitcher] Braden Looper can take advantage of the fact that J.J. does not like Tyson breaded chicken fingers." After Hardy grounded out to third base, Anderson called it a textbook case of Ronco vermicelli being on sale for 69 cents. 
Snickering Peter Gammons Persuades John Kruk To Say Orioles Are The Best Team In Baseball On Air #~# BRISTOL, CT—Following highlights of a recent Baltimore Orioles game, Baseball Tonight analyst John Kruk was goaded into stating that the Orioles were the best team in the major leagues at the prompting of fellow analyst Peter Gammons. "I mean, they're ahead of the Yankees after a full month… They've got to be pretty darn good, right?" Gammons said just prior to Kruk's statement as Kruk nodded helpfully. "You said yourself, John, that George Sherrill already has 14 saves, and saves are pretty important. Plus, Kevin Millar may be batting .236, but wow, does he have a sweet swing! I certainly can't think of a team that matches up. Can you? You can't, can you? Look right into camera two, right there." Kruk went on to say that Roger Clemens would win the NL Cy Young award and that he didn't think Pat Burrell would ever make another out again as Gammons hid his head in his hands and shook silently.  
Recently Greenlit Sports Movies #~# Sports movies have always been a Hollywood staple, and lately they've become more popular than ever. Here are the latest projects to begin production:
Stackley Cup Playoffs Underway #~# NEW YORK—The 2008 Stackley Cup Playoffs, a set of odd-number-of-games series that will determine the champion of the National Huckie League, are well underway, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman confirmed Monday. 
Jimmy Fallon To Host 'Late Night' #~# NBC officially announced that Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan O'Brien as host of Late Night in 2009. What do you think? 
Baseball Fan Discovers Awesome Baseball-Themed Website Called MLB.com #~# WYATT, MO—Avid baseball fan Richard Keltner was surprised and delighted to find an entire website devoted to the sport of baseball, the 28-year-old data-entry clerk reported Monday. "The other day, on a whim, I typed 'baseball' into an online search engine to see if anything would come up, and lo and behold, the first result was this site called MLB.com," Keltner told reporters. "It has news stories about baseball, baseball scores, baseball standings, baseball schedules, baseball statistics, baseball rosters—literally everything on the site deals with the sport of baseball. And you're never going to believe this—they update it all the time." Keltner said that an additional search for other baseball-themed sites yielded only something called ESPN.com, which he described as a website about advertising. 
Nevada Boxing Commission Denies Involvement In Fighting Ring #~# LAS VEGAS—The Nevada Boxing Commission has pleaded not guilty for involvement in a fighting ring, which, according to the indictment, has been pitting trained fighters, or "boxers," in organized fights in which participants were routinely brutally injured. "We would never, as the district attorney has accused us of doing, foster an environment where two men would stand toe to toe and mercilessly beat one another for the entertainment of others," said lawyer Joshua Goodman in a statement read to a crowd of demonstrating human-rights activists outside Caesars Palace. "We're not barbarians. We resent these accusations, and we particularly detest the implication that wagering on the health and well-being of these men ever took place." Despite the statement, Goldenpalace.com has decided to remove its endorsements from the skin of boxers associated with the Commission. 
Formerly Obese Man Always Showing Everyone His Old Pants #~# RUFFS DALE, PA—According to John Swink's friends, family, coworkers, and casual acquaintances, as well as a growing number of local waiters and waitresses, the formerly obese history teacher takes every opportunity to show just how dramatic his recent weight loss has been by smiling broadly and holding his old 52-inch-waist jeans next to his fit and trim new body. "He likes to get inside his old pants and turn to the side," Swink's mechanic, Greg Forrester, told reporters Tuesday, describing Swink's effort to clearly illustrate how much space now exists between the front of his old pants and his stomach. "At least that's what he did when he brought his car into the shop, when he saw my wife and kids at the supermarket the other day, and when he stood up in the middle of the varsity baseball game last weekend." Students of Swink's said he has recently begun teaching lessons from behind the giant cardboard cutout of his old 315-pound self that he carries around with him everywhere he goes.
A-Rod To Reporter After Interview: 'How Was That?' #~# NEW YORK—Following an interview with YES Network analyst Kimberly Jones, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez immediately began inquring as to the quality of his answers. "Was that good? Do you think people will like that?" asked Rodriguez to a nonchalant Jones, who attempted to explain that people "don't really care about these things." "Maybe we should do it again, and this time I can smile more—or less—whatever you think would be better. And maybe I should unbutton my top button to look more relaxed, you know, like, cool. And I forgot to tell Yankee fans how much I love them. Can we get that in? I'm such an idiot." YES executives insisted he did fine and that they didn't need any more footage, but Rodriguez insisted that the crew accompany him to Yankee Stadium, where he had a production assistant pitch to him until he hit a homerun.
Clinton Questions Obama's Ability To Greet World Leaders #~# CHARLESTON, WV—Hillary Clinton once again attacked Barack Obama on the issue of experience Tuesday, this time questioning the Illinois senator's ability to effectively smile, make appropriate eye contact, and offer sufficiently delicious finger foods when welcoming visiting world leaders. "My opponent has never greeted foreign dignitaries such as the Japanese Minister of Forestry and Fisheries, as I had the opportunity to do when I was first lady," Clinton said, adding that she has an extensive background in both double-clasped hand shakes and idle small talk with political luminaries from several nations. "Do the American people really want a president who doesn't know when it's appropriate to gesture toward a chair, indicating where a head of state should be seated?" At a previous speech in Indianapolis, Clinton had challenged Obama's ability to create a health-care reform initiative that would ultimately fail and hand Congress over to the Republicans in an electoral landslide, as she did in 1993. 
Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together #~# WASHINGTON—Officials from the Institute for Somehow Managing to Hold It All Together warned that, despite their best efforts, everything appears to be falling completely apart and "getting way out of hand," according to a strongly worded report characterized by panic, frustration, and numerous typographical errors that was released to the American public Monday.
"Law & Order" Actor Arrested #~# Former Law & Order star Dennis Farina was arrested and charged with a felony after he took a loaded, unregistered handgun to an airport. What do you think? 
Food Shortage Nearing Crisis #~# As certain dietary staples are becoming more scarce, food riots are becoming increasingly common around the world. What are the factors behind the food shortage?
I Can't Believe I'm Being Forced To Sit On This Couch While Jay Leno Interviews Josh Hartnett #~# Don’t get me wrong: It’s great being on the show. Love Jay, love the audience, really. And this Josh…Hartnett, is it? He seems like a good kid. Reminds me a little of myself before I hit it big. I honestly think it’s great to see him up there telling Jay how “weird” it was to do his first sex scene and all, but I’m just a bit worried that some people might be a little put off by the fact that I am asked to “scoot over” while Jay Leno interviews someone else.
I Would Say 'To Kill A Mockingbird' Captured The Most Interesting Part Of Our Lives #~# As I get older and reflect on my life, my mind always drifts back to the time I defended handyman Tom Robinson against those trumped-up, racially motivated charges of rape. What a time it was. So much happened in that year and a half. Lessons were learned, innocence was lost, and a child put her fear of people different from herself behind her. There's no denying it was a narratively gripping time.
Jenna Bush Married #~# First daughter Jenna Bush was married to Henry Chase Hager on her father's ranch in Crawford, TX. What do you think? 
One Life To Live #~# ABC
Evening News #~# CBS
Bodies: The Sitcom #~# FOX
Toddler Makes Convincing Case For Being Afraid Of Horse #~# ACHILLE, OK—Despite only recently gaining the ability to form complete sentences, 2-year-old Trevor Cornett was able to present a clearheaded and persuasive argument at the Achille County Fair Wednesday as to why one might be terrified of riding a horse. Trevor's parents, who had encouraged their son to pet the animal, were reportedly persuaded by their son's well-articulated line of reasoning to the contrary. "I assumed all children love horses, but Trevor made some interesting points about the frequency with which they grunt and show their teeth and their scary feet," Nancy Cornett, the toddler's mother, said. "I had never thought about it before, but, taking into account his small, delicate frame, it is entirely possible that he could fall off and die." Following their abrupt departure from the fair, the Cornetts were again impressed by their son's succinct and impassioned call for ice cream.
Nation's Slicked-Back-Hair Men Rally Against Negative Hollywood Portrayal #~# LOS ANGELES—Thousands of members of the slicked-back-hair community gathered in Hollywood Monday to protest the film industry's longtime trend of depicting men with slicked-back hair as untrustworthy, unlikeable antagonists.
Optimism Can't Beat Cancer #~# A recent medical study suggests that your chances of surviving head and neck cancer are the same if you have a positive outlook or a negative outlook. What do you think? 
Undercover Fireman Infiltrates Three-Alarm Blaze #~# CHICAGO—Plainclothes firefighter Rick Dodd, 32, was commended Tuesday for his successful monthlong operation to infiltrate and eventually expose a three-alarm blaze at a downtown Chicago warehouse.  "The fire had spread to the upstairs by the time I arrived, so I cozied up to it, played the game, and tried not to arouse any suspicion until I had gathered the information I needed to bring back to the chief," said Dodd, adding that his cover was nearly blown a week into the investigation when a neighbor arrived and began throwing buckets of water onto the porch. "When things started to get too hot for me in there, I showed my badge, drew my concealed fire extinguisher, and called in for backup." Dodd was last honored in 2005 after completing a two-week stakeout of a kitten stuck in a tree, though the animal died of dehydration. 
Michel Gondry Entertained For Days By New Cardboard Box #~# NEW YORK—Director Michel Gondry has spent nearly a week developing his latest flight of artistic fancy by playing make-believe in a large corrugated cardboard box, sources close to the daring filmmaker announced Tuesday.
Earliest American Scat Found #~# The earliest-known fossilized feces was found recently in Oregon, placing humans on the American continents 1000 years earlier than previously believed. What do you think? 
Local Bar Comes Out As Gay #~# SEATTLE—After years of trying to deny the obvious and fit in with other downtown establishments, area bar Mad Hatters finally came out as gay this week, shocking hundreds of residents who thought they knew the Seattle tavern.
Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda #~# WASHINGTON, DC—An 8,976-foot foul ball off the bat of Washington third baseman Ryan Zimmerman crashed through the U.S. Capitol Building rotunda Sunday afternoon, prompting both the Nationals and the opposing Pittsburgh Pirates to gasp, turn to each other in shock, and immediately run full speed out of Nationals Park.
New NFL Rule Will Force Players To Have One Of Three Appropriate Haircuts #~# NEW YORK—Hoping to address the issue of long hair obscuring players' names and numbers, NFL owners passed a new rule wherein players would be restricted to one of three league-approved hairstyles. "People don't come to games to watch tufts of hair make tackles and score touchdowns; they come to watch the colorful uniforms do it," said 49ers coach Mike Nolan of the new rule, which will limit players to No. 2 grade buzz cuts, No. 1 grade "high-and-tight" cuts, and Johnny Unitas-style flattops. "These three haircuts embody the class, dignity, and discipline that has always been associated with NFL football players. Frankly, I thought three was too many; buzz cuts hint at a sense of individuality that has absolutely no place in football." NFL owners will next vote on a rule proposal that would strike names from players' uniforms, contracts, and birth certificates. 
Number Of Acceptable Things Candidates Can Say Now Down To Four #~# NEW YORK—After Sen. Barack Obama's comments last week about what he typically eats for dinner were criticized by Sen. Hillary Clinton as being offensive to both herself and the American voters, the number of acceptable phrases presidential candidates can now say are officially down to four. "At the beginning of 2007 there were 38 things candidates could mention in public that wouldn't be considered damaging to their campaigns, but now they are mostly limited to 'Thank you all for coming,' and 'God bless America,'" ABC News chief Washington correspondent George Stephanopoulos said on Sunday's episode of This Week. "There would still be five phrases available to the candidates if the Obama camp hadn't accused Clinton of saying 'Glad to be here' with a little tinge of sarcasm during a stump speech in North Carolina." As of press time, the two additional phrases still considered appropriate for candidates are the often-quoted "These pancakes are great," and "Death to the infidels." 
Peanut Allergies May Be Cured #~# According to Duke University medical researchers, a cure for peanut allergies may be five years away. What do you think? 
Report: Olympics Mathematically Likely To Happen This Year #~# LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—Despite the numerous and varied difficulties faced by Beijing officials as the 2008 Olympiad draws nearer, International Olympic Committee members reassured the public yesterday with an announcement that, seeing as the current year was divisible by four, a summer Olympics of some sort was mathematically likely. "Everyone knows that, right? If the year ends in a two, four, eight, or zero, you're getting an Olympics," said IOC president Jacques Rogge, ignoring for the moment the ongoing Chinese troubles with smog, incomplete athletic facilities, inadequate housing, insufficient tourist infrastructure, and widespread political and social controversy. "And the last Games were in the winter, so this year, we'll be throwing, you know, the, uh, Summer Games. Of course. The math, you see, it all works out." Chinese officials refused to comment on any probability of the Olympics being held, saying only that in China, mathematics were known to be much more difficult.
MLB Pickpocket Suspected In Series Of Stolen Batting Gloves #~# MILWAUKEE—According to an urgent notice from the commissioner's office, the infamous "MLB Pickpocket" is at it again—in the past week alone, over 40 players have reported their batting gloves missing or stolen from their back pockets. "I stole second base, got up, checked my pocket, and they were gone," said a visibly shaken Tigers third baseman Miguel Cabrera, just one of the unlucky victims. In the meantime, the commissioner has released a general warning to all MLB players to be on the lookout for any suspicious activity on the basepaths. "We are advising all players who reach first base to either hold onto your batting gloves or hand them over to a trustworthy first-base coach," Selig said. Any player who has had his batting gloves stolen and needs a new pair has been told to contact Dodgers second baseman Jeff Kent, who reportedly has over 150 spares on sale for discount prices. 
The Debut Of The UNFL #~# A New Haven-based investor group recently announced the formation of the United National Football League, saying their 22 professional teams will focus on developing talent when play begins in January 2009. Here are the league's other noteworthy features:
Baseball Swing So Bad It Makes Joe Morgan Vomit #~# ST. LOUIS—Moments after watching Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina get fooled into swinging well ahead of a 73 mph curveball, ESPN Sunday Night Baseball analyst Joe Morgan convulsed violently and vomited into the lap of play-by-play commentator Jon Miller. "I was just noting that Molina really took a weak hack at that curve, evening the count at 2-2, when all of a sudden I heard Joe make this awful noise and I felt a gallon of half-digested hot dogs and cheese fries splatter onto the floor, my pants, and all four monitors in the booth," Miller said."Joe said he was fine afterwards, even though he spent the next few innings spitting on the floor and gasping with his head held between his knees." Morgan was eventually able to hold down a few complimentary chicken nuggets, which were themselves forcibly vomited after Morgan was forced to see a muffed throw to first base by Cardinals second baseman Adam Kennedy. 
High School Team Denies Winning For Dead Teammate #~# MONONGAHELA, FL—The Monongahela West Tarpon, a boy's prep baseball team that has surged to a two-game lead in the Frostproof conference with a remarkable seven-game winning streak since the death of second-string catcher Nathan Bannersly, denied Tuesday that their winning streak had anything do to with honoring Bannersly's memory. "Wow, I didn't even put the two together, but I guess we have been doing pretty good since that one kid's crash," pitcher Troy Metz (5-1) said of the teammate whose body was thrown from his Toyota Corolla the night of April 11, killing him instantly. "His name was Nathan, you said? Because there's this one lady who's been holding up a "NATHAN" sign at all our games lately. You know, I bet that's, like, his mom." Other Tarpon players agreed that the coincidence was, in fact, "kind of weird."
I'm The Denzel Washington In Training Day Of Booking Plane Tickets Online #~# Listen up, bitch-ass fools. When it comes to booking airline tickets on the Internet, King Kong ain't got shit on me. I'm the baddest motherfucker in the land, and I don't take no for an answer. I didn't go to no Airplane Ticket Booking Academy, and it's a good thing I didn't, because the shit you learn there will get you killed in this world. This is the real world, and I don't play by its rules. I play by my rules. And my rule is that there are no rules.
This International Space Station Is A Pig Sty #~# Flight Engineer Oleg Kononenko, pay attention. And make sure Commander Sergei Volkov and spaceflight participant Yi So-yeon hear this, too. I don't care if So-yeon is taking a space walk to calibrate the solar panels. I want her to listen up. We need to have a serious International Space Station talk.
Economic Stimulus Check Burned For Warmth #~# HELENA, MT—Saying the extra bit of kindling material couldn't have come at a better time, 43-year-old school teacher Tim Donaldson received his $618 rebate check from the Internal Revenue Service Tuesday, and then immediately burned it to provide warmth for his wife and two sons. "It gets pretty cold here at night," said Donaldson, adding that with 75 percent of his take-home pay going toward car and mortgage payments, his children's schooling, and his wife's medical bills, the rare opportunity to sleep in a warm house for a night was much appreciated. "I just want to thank the government for sending such a large check. It burned for quite a while." Donaldson, who could not afford matches or fuel to light the check, said he made do by placing the envelope's clear plastic address window at an angle underneath the sun to spark the initial flame, which his family then huddled around until they fell asleep.
Stronger LASIK Warnings Urged #~# An FDA panel urged medical providers to offer more accurate warnings about the risks of refractive laser eye surgery. What do you think? 
Obama's Minister's Outrageous Comments #~# Reverend Jeremiah A. Wright, Jr., the former pastor of presidential candidate Barack Obama, has been blasted for controversial statements he made to his congregation. What are some of the remarks he's under fire for?
Pope Returns To Vatican With Comprehensive Plan To Blow Up United States #~# WASHINGTON—In an unprecedented breach of national security, Pope Benedict XVI, leader of the international organization known as "the Roman Catholic Church," has infiltrated the highest levels of the U.S. government and devised a wide-ranging plan to destroy the entire country.
Pittsburgh No. 1 In Soot #~# The American Lung Association named Pittsburgh as the sootiest city in America. What do you think? 
Watching TV Shows On DVD The Way To Do It, Area Man Reports #~# MILLERSVILLE, PA—Local resident Thomas Humphrey, 36, blasted traditional American methods of viewing episodic television Monday, proclaiming that watching a series on DVD is "the way to do it." "There's no commercials, no waiting for next week's show, and you can stay up all night watching 14 episodes in a row if you want to," said Humphrey, adding that without the convenient digital medium, he would not have been able to view all three seasons of the canceled CW series Veronica Mars in a single week. "It turned out to be a pretty good show, and I would have never, ever watched that on regular TV because the time slots always changed. Who has the time to follow that stuff?" When asked if he had seen the final episode of The Wire, Humphrey became visibly upset, saying he is only on season three, and if reporters did not stop talking about it, he would leave the room. 
Walters Had Affair With Senator #~# In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Barbara Walters admitted that she had an affair with former U.S. Sen. Edward Brooke. What do you think? 
Jaded Seismologist Can No Longer Feel Anything Under 7.0 On Richter Scale #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Numbed by 30-plus years of recording more than 700,000 major and minor earthquakes, seismologist Richard Keefer, 58, told reporters yesterday that earthquakes measuring below 7.0 on the Richter magnitude scale do absolutely nothing for him anymore. "In my younger days, even something as small as a 3.0 would get my blood pumping," said Keefer, adding that once you've felt a 5.5 quake, you've felt them all. "Now I'm lucky if a 6.8 even gets me out of bed." According to Keefer, the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, which measured 9.0 on the Richter scale and killed more than 225,000 people, was the last time the seismologist felt alive. 
New 'Get The Fuck Outta The Road' Program Aims To Increase Pedestrian Safety #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address rising pedestrian deaths, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration launched a new educational outreach program Monday to encourage people to "Get The Fuck Outta The Road."
LSD Inventor Dead #~# Albert Hofmann, the Swiss chemist who created the hallucinogen LSD, died the age of 102. What do you think? 
Son Discovers Dad's Welcome Back, Kotter Spec Script While Cleaning Out Attic #~# WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—While cleaning out his parents' attic Sunday, Mark Norton, 24, stumbled upon a Welcome Back, Kotter spec script written by his father, which has apparently lay dormant in a box labeled "keepsakes" for nearly 30 years. "I never knew Dad to write anything, but there's his full name, address, and telephone number right on the cover sheet," said Norton, adding that the script had all the cast members taking a trip to Hawaii, a place his father has always wanted to visit. "But why didn't he do the gag with Mr. Kotter telling his wife a joke about a distant uncle? That show was canceled before I was born, but even I know that." According to Norton, he read 15 pages, then carefully placed the script back into the box and walked over to the attic window where† he watched his father, dressed in cutoff jeans and a baseball cap, hedge the lawn for 20 minutes.
Potential Employee Uprising Quelled With Free Pizza #~# NEW YORK—A massive employee backlash over low wages and increased workload was narrowly averted this week when company management arranged to have eight large pizzas delivered to the design firm Cobalt Media, instantly quelling months of mounting resentment and dissatisfaction.
Anime Bible Stories #~# CTN
Supernanny #~# ABC
Flip Something! #~# TLC
The Great American Blink-A-Thon #~# Lifetime
Tyler Hansbrough Staying In School To Take This One Awesome Philosophy Class #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—University of North Carolina forward Tyler Hansbrough told reporters yesterday that his decision to forgo the NBA Draft and return for his senior year stems from a desire to "take this one awesome philosophy class that is, like, only offered in the fall [semester], I think." The class, PHIL 740: Philosophy of the Mind, is reportedly taught by Professor David Hartz, who Hansbrough described as "like the coolest guy in the world especially because the only grade is just this one big paper at the end [of the term], and he doesn't even take attendance." "He's like super smart and he makes you think completely differently about your perspectives on stuff, which is awesome," said Hansbrough, adding that he is going to read all the books and everything. "And my girlfriend is taking it too, so it should be pretty sweet." Hansbrough denied allegations that he is staying in school because his socio-economic background allows himself the freedom to have fun and not worry about the welfare of his family. 
Padres Game Sunned Out #~# SAN DIEGO—Following a two and half hour delay for heavy sunshine Monday, umpire Charlie Reliford canceled the game between the Padres and Diamondbacks at Petco Park when a deluge of direct rays from the sun made it impossible for players to take the field. "We waited for awhile to see if the conditions would improve, but the light was really glaring out there," Reliford said. "It was so bright out that you couldn't even see the ball. It looked like we might luck out for a bit there, but it started shining hard and pretty soon the whole field was drenched with sun." Although the MLB has yet to reschedule the game, officials said that they would try to schedule it sometime after southern California's sunny season. 
Michael Waltrip Wins NASCAR's Sixth Cousin Award #~# RICHMOND, VA—NASCAR teams took a break Wednesday from practicing for the Crown Royal Dan Lowry 500 at Richmond International Speedway to honor NAPA Auto Parts driver Michael Waltrip with its Sixth Cousin Award, given every year to the driver who displays the best combination of driving talent and friendliness to his extended family. "I tell you what, without ol' Michael's talent coming off the porch for us this year, why, it just wouldn't be the same," said Carleton Franks, Waltrip's fourth-cousin-in-law twice removed, who presented him with the award. "Fr'instance, I still got me a leaf blower he loaned me, and he might'a mentioned it once or twice, in a remindin' fashion, but nothing I'd call pushy. To me, that's what NASCAR is all about." Some stock car insiders say that, while Michael Waltrip is not a bad cousin, he only received the award because his older brother, three-time NASCAR champion Darrel Waltrip, had been passed over so many times despite being equally eligible. 
Hospital-Record Snoop Indicted #~# A former administrative specialist at the UCLA hospital was indicted for illegally accessing the medical records of some celebrities, including Farrah Fawcett and Maria Shriver, and, in some cases, selling the information. What do you think? 
Dying Newspaper Trend Buys Nation's Newspapers Three More Weeks #~# WASHINGTON—A recent glut of feature stories on the death of the American newspaper has temporarily made the outmoded form of media appealing enough to stave off its inevitable demise for an additional 21 days, sources reported Monday. "People really seem to identify with these moving, 'end-of-an-era'-type pieces," Washington Post editor-in-chief Leonard Downie, Jr. said. "It's nice to see that the printed word is still, at least for now, the most powerful medium for reporting on the death of the printed word." Downie added that the poignant farewell Op-Ed he recently penned was so well received that he will be able to hold onto his job for up to six more days. 
Terrell Owens Not Sure About This 'Pac-Man Jones' Character #~# IRVING, TX—Upon hearing that team owner Jerry Jones had traded draft picks to the Tennessee Titans for troubled cornerback Adam "Pac-Man" Jones, Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens held a press conference to discuss his personal misgivings over acquiring a troubled player whose me-first personality and history of off-the-field issues could potentially damage the team.
Nomar Garciaparra Tells Wife To Meet Him On Disabled List At 8 p.m. #~# LOS ANGELES—Dodgers third baseman Nomar Garciaparra left a voicemail message for his wife, former soccer star Mia Hamm, asking her to meet him on Major League Baseball's disabled list for a date Friday night. "Hey, after you're finished grocery shopping, why don't you swing over to the DL to grab a bite—I'll be hanging out in my usual spot, right below Kason Gabbard and right above Alex Gonzalez," Garciaparra reportedly said, stressing that she should meet him on the 15-day DL, not the 60-day DL. "Mark [Prior] and Mikey [Hampton] will be there too. Should be fun." Upon hearing the message, Hamm complained that Garciaparra "always" wants to hang out on the DL, and expressed frustration that she has to tear her hamstring every time she wants to spend time with her husband. 
Millions Of Dollars Of Scientific Research Helps Gatorade Create New Peach Flavor #~# BARRINGTON, IL—According to scientists at Gatorade's Sports Science Institute, the nearly $90 million and approximately 40,000 man-hours the corporation invested over the course of the last five years has resulted in a new peach-flavored Gatorade. "We used all of our available technology here at the GSSI, including our exercise sensorium, the biochemistry lab, an aerospace-grade centrifuge, gas chromatography of our original 1965 formula modified to accept artificial peach flavor, an experimental nanotechnological beverage laminar flowbench, and most important, a performance lab where we paid [Pittsburgh Penguins center] Sidney Crosby $12 million to ride a stationary bike uphill for 30 minutes, take a sip of the drink, and then fill out a comprehensive questionnaire in which he was asked if the substance tasted like peach or not," GSSI director Dr. Robert Murray told reporters Monday. "This is a huge technical and financial leap forward from the process we used to develop Gatorade blue, orange, yellowish-green, and dark blue." Upon taking a sip of the new drink after three "intense and exhausting" hours of playing Grand Theft Auto IV last Tuesday, Cleveland resident Sean Colgrave said the new flavor tasted "fine." 
Worst NFL Draft Picks 2008 #~# Grading the annual NFL Player Draft is an inexact science, but some selections are obviously wrong from the start. Onion Sports runs down this year's most ill-advised choices:
Unemployed Face Job Discrimination #~# More and more companies are requiring job applicants to already have a job. What do you think?
George Takei To Wed Partner #~# Following California's legalization of gay marriage, George Takei, best known as Sulu on Star Trek, has applied to marry his longtime partner. What do you think? 
Straight Men, Gay Women Have Similar Brains #~# Swedish researchers have found that the brains of straight men and lesbians display many of the same characteristics. What do you think? 
Ex-Girlfriend Don't Want To Speak To You No More, New European Boyfriend Reports #~# LANCASTER, PA—According to the latest information provided by the unnamed, impossibly debonair-sounding European man who is now answering all of her calls, your ex-girlfriend, Rebecca Norsten, "don't want to speak to you no more." 
History's Mysteries #~# History
Giuliani Spotted Sleeping On New York City Subway #~# NEW YORK—According to witnesses, former New York City mayor and one-time  favorite for the Republican presidential nomination Rudolph Giuliani was seen slumped over and asleep on the Coney Island-bound F train late Tuesday night, as well as on the return Queens-bound F train early Wednesday morning.
Falling Down Laundry Chute And Breaking Neck Remains America's No. 548,221 Killer #~# ATLANTA—With more than four such deaths occurring over the past seven years, safety advocates are once again concerned about fatalities resulting from falling down a laundry chute and breaking one's neck, an accident that is still among the top 600,000 killers of Americans.
Muslim Woman Demands Obama Apology #~# A Detroit Muslim said that she was refused a seat behind Barack Obama's podium at a campaign rally because she was wearing the traditional head scarf. What do you think?
Ha-Ha, You Got Braces #~# MTV
Area Man Puts On Some Nice Pants For Once In His Life #~# OAKLAND, CA—Hallelujah, what do you know—reports have surfaced that Michael Bohlke put on a nice pair of pants for once in his 28 years on this earth Monday. Bohlke, who had up to that very moment looked like a lazy bum just sitting there on the couch, stunned longtime critics by putting on a clean shirt, running a comb through his hair for God's sake, and finally getting rid of that ratty Oakland Raiders cap that he's had since, what, the seventh grade? At press time, however, it would apparently still kill Bohlke to shave every once in a while. 
Man Who Used Stick To Roll Ball Into Hole In Ground Praised For His Courage #~# SAN DIEGO—A man who used several different bent sticks to hit a ball to an area comprised of very short grass surrounding a hole in the ground was praised for his courage Monday after he used a somewhat smaller stick to gently roll the ball into the aforementioned hole in fewer attempts than his competitors. "What guts, what confidence," ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt said of the man, who was evidently unable to carry his sticks himself, employing someone else to hold the sticks and manipulate the flag sticking out of the hole in the ground while he rolled the ball into it. "You have to be so brave, so self-assured, so strong mentally to [roll a ball into a hole in the ground]. Amazing." The man in question apparently hurt his knee during this activity. 
Cuban Refugee Yuniesky Betancourt Prefers Castro To M's Manager John McLaren #~# SEATTLE—In post-game comments following another Mariners loss, shortstop and former Cuban refugee Yuniesky Betancourt expressed a preference for ex-Cuban dictator Fidel Castro over current Seattle manager John McLaren. "It's all about power with him—he berates us and talks for hour after hour about unity and pride, but you know he doesn't care about anyone but himself," Betancourt said of McLaren and not Castro. "He calls team meetings, but he's just doing them to make it seem like he's doing a good job managing. For Christ's sake, he starts Miguel Cairo at first base sometimes. If this were the Villa Clara Industriales, Castro would have had Miguel Cairo beaten with a boot. Say what you want about him, but at least you knew where you stood with Castro." Betancourt was later seen slipping a makeshift raft fashioned from catcher's mitts and empty tobacco canisters into Puget Sound under cover of night. 
A-Rod: 'Pete Rose Sent Me Sexually Inappropriate Text Messages' #~# NEW YORK—A visibly distressed Alex Rodriguez announced Tuesday that controversial baseball figure Pete Rose has sent him dozens of scandalous text messages containing sexual innuendo, salacious encouragement, and obscene batting pointers. The Yankees third baseman, who has been texting with MLB's all-time hits leader for two years, said the messages included such remarks as "Nice stroke Big Rod, feels good," "You're so hot, keep it up for me," "Way to connect," and "Find a hole and just grind it. Grind it. Grind it. Harder." "I guess it helped my hitting, at least at first," Rodriguez said. "But eventually I realized what was happening… I can't believe Pete Rose would betray my trust like that." According to Rodriguez, the latest text message from Rose read "I wish I had you when I was managing the Reds—had you inside me." 
Mike Lowell Second In All-Star Voting But Leads In All-Star Superdelegates #~# BOSTON—As the polls close on the first month of All-Star voting, the race to represent the American League at third base is a dead heat with the Yankee's Alex Rodriguez leading Boston's Mike Lowell in the popular vote by a 2-to-1 margin, but Lowell edging Rodriguez with two-thirds of the crucial, if controversial, MLB superdelegates. "This is exactly what I've been warning people about for years—a few hundred people in the American League National Committee have more influence on the All-Star game than thousands of fans, and that's not right," said Yankees manager Joe Girardi. "And look who these highly placed American League figures are—Peter Gammons, who never saw a Sox infielder he didn't like. And Terry Francona, for God's sake, their manager! I thought baseball was supposed to be a democracy." Girardi said that he was prepared to take his grievance all the way to the office of AL National Convention chairman George Steinbrenner.
Opposition To Anheuser-Busch Sale Grows #~# Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO) has vowed to stop the sale of Budweiser manufacturer Anheuser-Busch to Belgian-Brazilian  company ImBev. What do you think? 
Fantasy Baseball Owner Rips Team In Media #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Mark Mendicus, 26-year-old Staples employee and principal owner of the fantasy baseball team Beat With Uggla Stick, blasted his underperforming team in the media Monday, going so far as to single out individual players, criticize their recent play, and question their commitment to winning.
Orlando Hudson Just Striking Out To Crack Up Teammates #~# PHOENIX—Arizona Diamondbacks second baseman Orlando Hudson has been intentionally striking out in an effort to make his teammates laugh, team sources told reporters. Hudson, who struck out in every plate appearance Tuesday against the Oakland A's, was overheard saying "Check this out" to teammates Justin Upton and Chris Young before intentionally taking a third strike during his first at-bat; swinging wildly high and wide at a pitch thrown low and inside; swinging several seconds after the ball had been caught by the catcher for a third strikeout; and during his fourth appearance at the plate, dropping his bat and starting to remove his batting gloves before the pitcher had even thrown the baseball. Upon walking back to the dugout, Hudson reportedly pretended to be disappointed with his performance by yelling, "Jeez, I just don't know what's wrong with me lately," causing his teammates further amusement. Following the game, Diamondbacks manager Bob Melvin told Hudson that he could see what Hudson was doing and that he had better cut it out. 
Great Father-Son Moments In Sports #~# Sports fans were deeply moved by Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s Father's Day victory in the NASCAR LifeLock 400. Onion Sports takes the opportunity to remember other great moments between men and their boys:
I Know It's Crazy, But Some Days I Feel Like Everybody Is Out To Get Me vs. Our Mission Has Been Compromised! Abort! #~# Ever had one of those days where nothing seems to go right? I sure have. When everything is falling apart and you just can't get ahead, it's like the whole world is out to get you. Today was just like that. 
I'm Training To Ruin A Marathon #~# When I set my mind to something, there's no turning back, no slowing down, and no excuses. So when I heard about the upcoming 17th Annual Richland County Marathon, I started training immediately. For the last four months, I have been pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion to prepare my mind and body for the ultimate physical challenge: ruining a marathon.
New VH1 Show Canceled For Not Being Pathetic Enough #~# NEW YORK—In a press release Tuesday, Viacom executives announced their newest hour-long VH1 Celebreality program, Knight Life, with former Brady Bunch star Christopher Knight, has been canceled for failing to reach the wretched depths of the network's low standards. "Despite some really excellent footage of Christopher vomiting into his hot tub, Knight Life was just not pitiful enough to meet our audience's expectations," Viacom president and CEO Philippe Dauman said of the show, which only featured three unsuccessful attempts to hit on strippers, two drunken brawls, and a single midget. "Unfortunately, the program lacked the petty and reprehensible acts that demean all humanity and make for good, compelling television." Dauman added that VH1 would consider bringing the show back if Knight were to become so distraught by the cancellation that he had to be hospitalized for an unsuccessful suicide attempt.
Soaring Oil Prices Alter Vacation Plans #~# With gas solidly over $4 a gallon for the first time and air travel becoming prohibitively expensive, many families are being forced to change their summer travel plans. What are people doing instead this summer?
Bush Says He Still Believes Iraq War Was The Fun Thing To Do #~# WASHINGTON—Despite harsh criticism from both sides of the political aisle, the U.S. populace, and former members of his own administration, President Bush once again defended his 2003 decision to invade Iraq, saying that, in the end, it was the fun thing to do.
Obscenity Trial Halted Over Judge's Website #~# A Los Angeles pornography trial was suspended when it came to light that the judge had bestiality-tinged photos on his personal website. What do you think? 
Friends From Home Embarrassing #~# BROOKLYN, NY—After taking a group of visiting hometown friends out with the circle of friends he has made since moving to New York from Hingham, MA three years ago, 25-year-old paralegal Andy Stein reported Tuesday that his friends from home are "pretty embarrassing." "I guess I never noticed it then, but they're all really loud, they complained about how expensive New York beer is the whole night, they kept quoting that 'More Cowbell' sketch from like 10 years ago, and every time I introduced them to one of my coworkers, they tried to give them a fist pound," Stein said. "Plus, they all still watch wrestling." When reached for comment, Stein's childhood neighbor Jake Mikita said that Stein's new friends were "a bunch of fucking pussies, but nah, they're pretty good guys."
Tim Russert Dead #~# NBC Meet The Press host Tim Russert died suddenly of a heart attack on Friday. What do you think? 
Dept. Of Sanitation Asks Public To Separate Perfectly Good Stuff From Garbage #~# WASHINGTON—Nearly 20 years after launching its first nationwide recycling program, the Department of Sanitation unveiled a new environmental initiative Monday that urges citizens to separate perfectly good stuff, such as old toasters and empty picture frames, from the rest of their weekly trash.
Grandmother Proud To Have Lived Long Enough To See First Viable Female Candidate Torn Apart #~# PEORIA, IL—Seventy-six-year-old grandmother Anita Graney told reporters Monday that she was "overwhelmed with pride" for having lived to see the first viable female presidential candidate in the nation's history so successfully run into the ground by vicious media attacks and hubristic, arrogant miscalculations. "Hillary [Clinton] showed America that a woman can be politically destroyed just as completely and heartbreakingly as any man," said Graney, a lifelong feminist. "What an amazing example for today's young women who aspire to fail spectacularly at the highest levels." Graney expressed hope that one of her granddaughters might someday be the first woman to get utterly eviscerated in a nationwide general election.
Obama: Wife Never Said 'Whitey' #~# Barack Obama responded to rumors of a video that purportedly featured his wife, Michelle, going on a racist tirade, by claiming she's never used the word "whitey." What do you think? 
Countervention #~# A&E;
Area Grandmother Tries Indian Food #~# BLOOMINGTON, MN—Characterizing the experience as "different," local grandmother Eileen Rutherford, 78, ate Indian food for the first time Saturday.
Ron Paul Dropping Out #~# Months after John McCain became the presumptive Republican nominee for president, Ron Paul is dropping out of the race. What do you think? 
Realtors Blame Housing Market For Slump In Creepy-Mansion Sales #~# ENCANTO, CA—Real estate agent Jake Trammel shakes his head as he points out unsold house after unsold house in this San Diego suburb, where homes once went for half a million dollars or more. He pulls up to a Victorian mansion whose windows and door create the look of a leering skull. As the sun breaks through a storm cloud overhead, the illusion disappears, and Trammel admits that he hasn't had an offer on the haunted residence in 18 months.
Cricket Located #~# IRWIN, PA—In a feat of extraordinary patience, auditory precision, and monklike concentration, 42-year-old Pat Baer interrupted his favorite TV program in order to track down and isolate a cricket in the foyer of his home Saturday evening. "At first it sounded like it was coming from everywhere, until I realized it was near the front door," said Baer, adding that he was able to overcome the cricket's tactic of not chirping when someone gets close to it by standing perfectly still, listening "really hard," and waiting for the sound to start again. "It took a half hour of dedicated searching, but it was all worthwhile when I actually got to see the thing making the noise with its wings there." The cricket was pronounced dead at 11:37 p.m.
CD Sales Down, LP Sales Up #~# While sales of CDs fell 17 percent between 2006 and 2007, sales of LPs rose 36 percent in the same period. What do you think? 
Where'd That Bitch Go? #~# CBS
National Essay Writing Contest Now Accepting Video Submissions #~# NEW YORK—Citing a stark decrease in written submissions since 1994, representatives of the Michel de Montaigne National Essay Writing Contest announced yesterday that for the first time in the competition's 134-year history, video submissions would be accepted in lieu of skillfully written analysis. "After rereading last year's half dozen written submissions, two of which were just e-mails describing how 'awesome' the attached YouTube video was, we realized that our standards needed to be refocused if the contest had hope of continuing," spokeswoman Sarah Glass said of the writing competition, whose past winners include Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and William Faulkner. "Though we would prefer to judge the written word, entrants can now address this year's topic—"Dos Passos To Ellison: Prose In The American City"—using music, movie clips, and flash animation. I'm sure Montaigne would be proud." Last year's winning essay, titled "James Joyce Is Weird," was reportedly 400 words long, but did fulfill the minimum five-page requirement.
Former NASCAR Official Suing For Harassment #~# An ex-NASCAR inspector is suing the organization for wrongful termination and racial and sexual discrimination. What do you think? 
Big Brown Seen Leaving Belmont Carrying Large Sacks Of Cash #~# NEW YORK—Shortly after finishing in last place in the Belmont Stakes Saturday, Big Brown was reportedly seen leaving through the back exit of the Belmont stable locker rooms carrying several shopping bags stuffed with cash, which the 3-year-old colt placed into the back seat of his Rolls Royce Phantom Coupe. "I could hardly tell it was him because he was wearing sunglasses, a baseball cap pulled down low over his eyes, and a long trench coat, but I remember thinking he was so tall he had to be one of the athletes," said horseracing fan Jason Larson. "Still, I didn't figure it out until I saw the 'Big B' vanity plates on his car." According to numerous witnesses, Brown spent five minutes urinating on the windshield of trainer Rick Dutrow's car before driving off erratically at high speed. 
Space Jam Actor Larry Bird Spotted At Game 2 Of NBA Finals #~# BOSTON—Actor Larry Bird, best known for his portrayal of Larry Bird in the 1996 film Space Jam, Larry Bird in the 1994 basketball drama Blue Chips, and Larry Bird in the 1996 comedy Celtic Pride, attended Game 2 of the NBA Finals Sunday night. "We were in the team huddle, and I look up, and there's Hollywood legend Larry Bird—the actor who played golf with basketball player Michael Jordan in Space Jam before Jordan got sucked into the hole that dropped him into Looneyland," said guard Ray Allen, adding that his teammates then began imitating Bird's delivery of the his signature "Where'd he go?" line from the film. "Of course, he got a huge standing ovation from the crowd when they announced his name. He was great in that movie." Bird had no comment when asked if he had any new projects in the works, only telling reporters that he was at the game to see if the actor from He Got Game was any good.
Mariners Fire Whiffing Coach #~# SEATTLE—Claiming that Mariners whiffers have not been swinging wildly or embarrassingly enough, GM Bill Bavasi fired team whiffing coach Jeff Pentland Monday. "Our guys have simply forgotten the basics—flailing, guessing, just standing there like a statue as a perfect pitch comes sailing right over the plate," Bavasi said. "Sure, we've excelled in areas such as hitting soft fly balls directly to the left-fielder and grounding weakly into double plays, but that only gets you so far. We need to get to a point where our team is able to whiff with the game on the line." Bavasi, however, once again reserved heavy praise for the team's sucking coach. 
Bulls GM To Team: 'This Is New Head Coach Vinnie Del Negro; He'll Be Staying With Us For A While' #~# CHICAGO—Introducing Vinnie Del Negro as a "great guy who has just hit a rough patch and needs somewhere to stay," Bulls GM John Paxson introduced his team to their new head coach on Wednesday. "I want everyone to extend Vinnie every courtesy while he implements his offense and tries to get his life back together," Paxson told his team in the somewhat tense United Center meeting. "Look, you know how it is. You've been there. You lost 49 games last season, so don't judge. Just help him out. Let him sleep on the couch, and when he needs to talk about it, listen." An embarrassed Del Negro thanked the team for taking him in, and promised he would stay out of their way and move on again as soon as he felt he was ready. 
Chris Osgood Gets To Third Base With Stanley Cup #~# LOS ANGELES—Sources within the Red Wings organization confirm that goalie Chris Osgood, who is currently engaged in accompanying the Stanley Cup on a victory tour of talk shows and publicity events, has repeatedly and insistently claimed to have gotten as far as third base with hockey's championship trophy during the past week.
Remembering Jim McKay #~# Professional, dignified, and humble, yet always deeply involved with the culture of sports, he set a standard to which few still aspire. Onion Sports looks back on the career of Jim McKay, 1921-2008:
Player To Be Named Later From 1992 Trade Finally Named: 'It Was Lenny Dykstra,' Says Phillies GM #~# PHILADELPHIA—The July 2, 1992 trade which sent Dodgers outfielder Stan Javier to the Phillies for Steve Searcy and a player to be named later was formally completed Sunday, when it was announced that the unnamed player was Lenny Dykstra. "Yup, it was Lenny Dykstra," said former Phillies GM Lee Thomas, who orchestrated the trade 16 years ago. "Probably should have mentioned that sooner." When informed about the trade Monday, Dykstra said he would do his best to help the Dodgers win in 1992 through 1996.
Farmer Wants A Wife #~# CW
Latest Cheney Tape May Contain Evidence Of His Whereabouts #~# WASHINGTON—Reports surfaced Tuesday that the New York–based Fox News Channel has obtained a tape which purportedly features another cryptic video message from U.S. vice president and known extremist Dick Cheney, widely regarded as the most feared man in America.
Man Fishes For Legendary, Elusive Compliment #~# SYRACUSE, NY—Junior sales associate James Kilmartin, 32, announced Monday that he is prepared to angle for the oft-fabled, legendary compliment said to reside deep beneath the inhospitable exterior of his supervisor, Lucinda Brannan. "Old Billy Hume in accounting said he had it on the line once when he saved the company a bundle by noticing a billing error, but the damned thing got away when Lucinda suddenly disappeared to take a phone call," Kilmartin said. "Some say [the mythical compliment] is over six minutes long, and can boost a man's self-esteem for nigh on 40 days. But lo, if it turns backhanded, it will cut you in half." Kilmartin said he plans on chumming the breakroom with freshly baked pastries and trawling for the compliment by slowly walking past Brannan's office while loudly noting his sales figures. 
California Facing Drought #~# With this spring being the driest on record for much of the state, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declared California to be in an official drought. What is being done to offset the effects of the water crisis?
Samsung To Offer iPhone Rival #~# The day Apple announced its new 3G iPhone, Samsung unveiled a Windows-based touchscreen phone. What do you think? 
Which One Of You Shitheads Stopped Buying Our Margarine? #~# All right, fuckos. It's time to come clean. 
Ask A Girl Whose Boyfriend Went To Six Flags With Someone Else #~# Dear Girl Whose Boyfriend Went To Six Flags With Someone Else,
TV Viewers Outraged At Timing Of Commercial Break #~# LOS ANGELES—A coalition of more than 20 million television viewers issued a strongly worded statement Monday expressing outrage at the timing of a commercial break that interrupted the program they were watching just as it reached its most compelling point. "Due to what can only be described as gross incompetence, this poorly placed advertising block left us with little option but to sit through the commercials in their entirety so that we would not miss any part of the show when it returned," the statement read in part. "We sincerely hope this unfortunate incident is not repeated, especially right before we find out whether or not contestants on our favorite game shows are going to win big money." TV viewers last mobilized in December, when a late-night program that at first appeared to be a television talk show was later revealed to be a 27-minute-long advertisement for a juicer. 
Texas Governor's Mansion Burned #~# A fire that severely damaged the Texas governor's mansion was intentionally set. What do you think? 
Clinton Suspends Campaign #~# While keeping her delegates, Hillary Clinton has suspended her campaign to be the Democratic nominee, leaving Barack Obama the party's presumptive candidate for president. What do  you  think? 
Researchers Discover Details Smaller Than Minutiae #~# PASADENA, CA—A team of Caltech scientists announced Monday that they have discovered a type of conversational detail smaller than minutiae, the class of particulars long thought to be the smallest possible building blocks of mundanity. "These tiny sub-minutiae, or 'boredons,' are so insignificant that they contain almost no information, useless or otherwise," said head researcher Dr. Nathan Yang, adding that the conversationally inconsequential details naturally occur in elevators and other enclosed spaces containing high concentrations of vaguely familiar acquaintances. "At least six must be combined to make up a detail that even remotely approaches the declarative weight of a triviality, and more than 200 are required to compose a viable trifle." Yang said that the basic unit of tedium remained undiscovered for so long because boredons are instantly forgotten as soon as they are heard. 
Controversial Court Ruling Upholds Homosexual's Right To Prance Around Demanding Attention And Being A Drama Queen #~# HARTFORD, CT—The Connecticut Supreme Court on Monday upheld the right of individuals, regardless of sexual orientation, to engage in any number of "grandiose behaviors," including, but not limited to, sashaying across the room "like a hussy, yelling 'Oh my God!' at the top of their lungs while hopping up and down, and generally acting like Miss Thing."
Once-Great Competitive Eater Reduced To Hustling At 10-Cent Wing Nights #~# BUFFALO, NY—It's 1:30 a.m. Chris Rierden breathes a beleaguered sigh as he counts a large wad of singles next to the dumpsters behind a local Hooters. Though you wouldn't know it to look at the haggard, sauce-covered 32-year-old, Rierden—who currently ekes out a living hustling unsuspecting locals in impromptu low-stakes chicken-wing-eating contests—was at one time the most promising competitive eater on the professional circuit.
Report: Love Letters From U.S. Troops Increasingly Gruesome #~# WASHINGTON—According to a Pentagon report leaked to the press Monday, love letters written by U.S. troops have nearly tripled in their use of disturbing language, graphic imagery, and horrific themes since the start of the war.
Terrible Idea Committed To Paper #~# SECAUCUS, NJ—Sales supervisor Justin Henry stopped in the middle of a busy sidewalk Monday, obstructing the paths of 15 pedestrians as he frantically searched his messenger bag for a pen, all so he could immortalize a tragically asinine notion on a scrap of paper. According to witnesses, the 29-year-old repeated the pointless idea to himself over and over while looking for the writing utensil, in order to insure the conservation of his precious concept. "This is why I always carry my little notebook," said Henry, who underlined, starred, and later e-mailed the thought to himself, apparently believing that a cognizant human being on earth might one day want to hear it. "This is good." The moronic bullshit idea had to do with efficient management techniques in the workplace. 
Ed McMahon May Lose House #~# After falling behind in payments, former Tonight Show sidekick Ed McMahon is in danger of losing his $6.25 million home. What do you think? 
Q&A #~# CSPAN
Museum Of Television And Radio Acquires Rare 'Caroline In The City' Episode #~# NEW YORK— The Museum of Television and Radio added a significant piece to its Precious Gems collection Tuesday upon acquiring a prized Caroline In The City episode dating back as early as 1995. "This masterpiece, once thought to be lost to the ages, is one of the most highly sought after in the series and is truly emblematic of the Must-See TV movement," museum curator Gerald Sampson said of the rare 20th-century episode entitled "Caroline Can't Think," which runs 22 minutes. "This is the first work to integrate the elements of Caroline's writing block, her friends' efforts to cheer her up, and her constant need to find a husband." The VHS copy, which has not been restored and still contains its original commercial breaks, was purchased from 43-year-old Ohio resident Doris Reynolds for $20 million.
Hockey Ticket Sales Tapering Off Slightly #~# NEW YORK—Sales figures from the NHL's headquarters indicate that hockey ticket sales are down almost 8 percent since the beginning of the year, independent analysts commissioned to survey the league's bookkeeping announced Monday. "We haven't yet found a reason that would explain the dip—all we have is total sales numbers—but it seems that the league sold almost 2,000 fewer tickets last week than it did in January," said accountant Harvey Sloman. "I wouldn't call it a disturbing trend, however, as the league seems to have cut its expenditures for travel, accommodations, payroll, and other expenses by almost 95 percent. Unorthodox business model, but it seems to be working for them." Commissioner Gary Bettman hastened to point out that their television audience had grown by almost 10 percent in the same time. 
Magic Johnson Shares 'Thoughts' On Lakers-Celtics Finals #~# BOSTON—Appearing on ESPN's SportsCenter Wednesday, former Lakers point guard Magic Johnson provided his "thoughts," "insights," and "analysis" of the NBA Finals matchup between the Lakers and the Celtics, assuring viewers that the series will hinge on "whoever team does its things better more." "I think this, I think, this is really going to come down to basically overall game play and which team can win four or five games, and do it first," said the three-time NBA MVP, adding that scoring could also be as much of a major factor on the outcome as total points. "There's also a possible definite possibility of matchups occurring. Could happen, yeah. And we can't overlook the influence that—that that effect or effects, might have on something." When pressed by SportsCenter anchor Rece Davis as to which team was favored, Johnson responded by saying "the one that's going to win…Win the NBA championship."
World Cluster Bomb Ban Excludes U.S. #~# The United States has opted out of a worldwide treaty that would ban cluster bombs.  What do  you  think? 
Furious Ozzie Guillen's Lineup Card Full Of Expletives #~# CHICAGO—Still fuming after his team blew a late-inning lead in a loss to the Rays Sunday, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen filled out Tuesday night's lineup card with a series of expletives, insults, and personal attacks on his players. The lineup card, posted in the dugout at approximately 6 p.m., referred to the team as the "Chicago Shit Sox," and read in part, "1. Orlando Fucking Cabrera, 2. Goddamn Motherfucking Neckless Bastard A.J. Shitbag Pierzynski DUMB!!! FUCK!!!, 3. Jermaine Fucking Gonna Dye Fucking Shit 0-For-5 Shitfuck Fuck Fucking Fucknuts Asshole Just Try Me Motherfucker." Guillen also announced that Nick Shitlicker [Swisher] would be starting in centerfield and Jim Thome would be the "designated fuckface." Upon noticing that "Cocksucking Assbag Motherfucking Shitfucking Numbnuts Fuckhole" was penciled into the No. 4 spot, Paul Konerko expressed delight that he was batting cleanup. 
Padres Broadcaster Insists Audience Is Watching A Good Game #~# SAN DIEGO—Padres broadcaster Jerry Coleman took a few moments in the seventh inning of a 3-1 game Monday night to extol the virtues of the slow, defensively played contest. "Folks, if you're just tuning in, we've got a heck of a game going here," the "Voice of the Padres" told his rapidly dwindling audience. "Greg Maddux has been a ground-ball machine tonight—the defense has barely had to move. The Pads have been taking pitches, working the counts, and hitting timely, clean line-drive singles. And while there's been no extra-base hits as of yet, the Pads have really taken advantage of the sacrifice bunt. What a game! Why, it reminds me of some of those other great Padres games." What games Coleman was reminded of were lost, however, when the Padres radio network cut away to a blowout 11-2 Red Sox game in which Kevin Youkilis had homered three times. 
2008 Scripps National Spelling Bee Highlights #~# The annual National Spelling Bee is an unusual but captivating event. Onion Sports notes some singular moments from this year's tournament:
A-Rod Asks Jeter 'Is This Heaven?' While Playing Game Of Catch #~# NEW YORK—While warming up on the Yankee Stadium sidelines before Tuesday's game, Alex Rodriguez paused, looked up at the clear blue sky and the thousands of cheering fans in attendance, turned to Derek Jeter, and invoked a classic line from the 1989 film Field Of Dreams. "Hey, Derek?" Rodriguez said, inhaling deeply to convey a sense of wonderment and gesturing woodenly to the thick, green grass below his feet. "Is this heaven?" According to witnesses, Jeter chuckled mildly and then muttered "Fucking loser" under his breath. 
Pau Gasol Googles 'Lakers + Celtics + Rivalry' #~# LOS ANGELES—Claiming he was unaware of the existence of a Los Angeles Lakers-Boston Celtics rivalry until numerous media outlets suggested their 2008 Finals matchup would revive it, curious Lakers center Pau Gasol researched the topic Wednesday by entering "Lakers + Celtics + Rivalry" into the Internet search engine Google.
Now That I've Learned About Foreshadowing, I'm Going To Use It In All Of My Stories #~# Guess what? There is this really neat literary device I just learned about, and it's called "foreshadowing." It's this thing where, in the beginning of the story, you put in all these little "hints" about stuff that's going to happen later on. I can't wait to try it out!
White House Unhappy With Former Press Secretary's Book #~# Members of the Bush staff and cabinet are displeased with the contents of former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan's new memoir, What Happened: Inside The Bush White House And Washington's Culture Of Deception. What in the book is raising their ire?
Spam Sales On The Rise #~# Sales of Spam, the Hormel canned-ham product, have increased 11 percent in the first quarter of this year. What do  you  think? 
Way Too Much Raised For Bronchitis Research #~# MINNEAPOLIS—The nonprofit organization Clean Airways announced Tuesday that it had raised the completely unnecessary sum of $140 million to further the study of bronchitis, a minor inflammation of the lungs which has claimed zero lives in 75 years and primarily affects smokers. "With this [ridiculous] amount of money, doctors will have the means to better understand bronchitis, and learn to treat it faster," Clean Airways spokeswoman Linda McDonald said about the marginal illness, which, unlike AIDS, cancer, or muscular dystrophy, usually clears up after two weeks. "Hopefully next year we can raise even more." Though McDonald did not comment on exactly how the record-breaking sum would be spent, she would not confirm or deny the possibility of simply purchasing 280 million bags of Halls orange-flavored mentholyptus cough drops. 
Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality #~# LIBERTY CITY—With the city in the midst of a record crime wave, concerned citizens claim the Liberty City Police Department has done little to prevent the constant car chases, ongoing gun battles, and overall atmosphere of violence that pervade the area.
Who Says You Can't Buy Fun Underwear For Your Buddies? #~# We've all been in this situation: You're at a store looking for some new clothes. When you get to the underwear section, you spy a mannequin with a body type similar to your friend Danny's, dressed in a quirky pair of Simpsons boxers that you just know would look great on him. Being a generous person, your first impulse is to spend the few bucks on a nice gift for a close friend. But then a voice in the back of your head reminds you that some people seem to think that simple gesture sends the "wrong message," so you glumly put them back on the rack, forever wondering, "What if?"
Bin Laden Sends Belated Threat To Israel For 60th Birthday #~# JERUSALEM—In an unexpected act that Israeli president Shimon Peres called "thoughtful," al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden sent a belated threat to Israel Monday in honor of the Jewish state's 60th birthday. "Old fart!" read the front of the card in a font designed to look like ancient stone tablets. "Did you actually think I would forget my favorite infidels on their special day? Celebrate while you still can, dirty Zionist dogs!" bin Laden wrote under a caricature of a grinning al-Qaeda member wearing a birthday hat and a suicide belt, preparing to board a bus full of Israeli citizens. A visibly moved Peres told reporters he would return the gesture by sending a bouquet of a dozen F-15Is fighter jets to Lebanon next week. 
Michigan, Florida Get Half Representation #~# The Democratic National Committee ruled that delegates from Michigan and Florida will get only half votes at the party’s convention in August. What do  you  think? 
Barbie Suing Bratz #~# Barbie producer Mattel, Inc. is suing MGA Entertainment, saying that the company's Bratz doll was designed by a Mattel employee while under contract. What do you think? 
Escaped Caterpillar On Rampage Through City #~# COLUMBUS, OH—A ravenous caterpillar escaped from captivity today, wreaking havoc as it devoured everything in its sight and carved a half-centimeter path of destruction across the city, horrified sources reported.
MTV Movie Awards Snubs Director Jonas Mekas Yet Again #~# LOS ANGELES—Eighty-five-year-old Lithuanian avant-garde filmmaker Jonas Mekas, director of more than 50 movies including Zefiro Torna and the five-hour diary film As I Was Moving Ahead, Occasionally I Saw Brief Glimpses Of Beauty, was again overlooked by the MTV Movie Awards Sunday.  
Nova #~# PBS
World's Worst Person Decides To Go Into Marketing #~# NEW YORK—Twenty-three-year-old Louis Deenan, undeniably the most detestable, loathsome individual ever to walk the earth, willfully decided Monday to devote his miserable life and all of its awful ambitions to the field of marketing. "I think it's the career path that will best utilize my networking skills and my ability to think outside the box," said Deenan, whose smug, gloating tone and shit-eating smile just make you want to punch his goddamn teeth in. "So I'm definitely thinking marketing. Either that, or PR." Deenan's mother refused to comment on why she didn't abort the despicable pile of human excrement when she had the chance. 
Corruption Indictment For Sen. Stevens #~# Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) has been charged with seven counts of corruption for failing to report more than $250,000 in gifts and services. What do you think? 
Technical Problems Throughout NASCAR History #~# An as-yet undiagnosed tire-related issue meant that NASCAR's Brickyard 400 was a minor disaster, but it isn't the first time mechanical setbacks have struck the least advanced form of motorsport:
McSweeney's Rejects Mike Mussina's Seventh Consecutive Submission #~# NEW YORK—Following the Yankees' 13-4 loss Monday, starting pitcher Mike Mussina informed reporters that his latest submission to McSweeney's, a niche literary journal and humor website founded by Dave Eggers, had been rejected.
Favre: I've Always Had A Passion For Stopping Things, Then Starting To Do Things Again #~# KILN, MS—Embattled quarterback Brett Favre attempted Monday to explain his recent actions concerning his recent reversal of his decision to retire by holding a press conference in which he explained his lifelong love for quitting things briefly before resuming those same things after a certain interval of time had passed. "I'm just that kind of guy, I guess—a gunslinger on one hand, but on the other, a man who knows when to stop, at least at first, but then it turns out I really didn't know when to stop after all," Favre said. "I guess you could say I'm a guy who quits, then realizes I don't know the meaning of the word quit." A number of the journalists present were later heard to wonder, in light of Favre's recent inexplicable behavior, if perhaps drinking heavily were one of the things the first-ballot Hall of Famer had stopped doing before starting again.
Crushed Philadephlia Sports Fans Devastated By Philadelphia Soul's Arena Football League Title #~# PHILADELPHIA—Hockey, baseball, basketball, and football fans alike are mourning the Philadelphia Soul's victory in ArenaBowl XXII, a 59-56 win over the San José SaberCats which continues the city's seemingly endless championship title drought. "It's been over 20 years since a sports team from this city won a national championship," said mayor Michael Nutter. "This arena league championship title just rubs salt in that wound." Locals are saying the damage to Philadelphia's morale and civic pride is equal to that done by Boyz II Men, the crack cocaine epidemic, and the acquisition of the Philadelphia Soul by New Jersey pop star Jon Bon Jovi.
Pick-Up Swim Meet With Inner-City Kids Renews Michael Phelps' Love Of Swimming #~# LOS ANGELES—While walking the streets of poverty-stricken downtown Los Angeles Monday, despondent Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps witnessed, and participated in, a pick-up swim meet that reinvigorated his attitude towards the sport. "It had gotten to a point where all I cared about was winning gold medals, but seeing those kids—many of whom had absolutely nothing but their dreams—race the 400-meter individual medley and the 200-meter freestyle for the pure joy of it all brought me back to why I got into the sport in the first place," said Phelps, who reportedly won the respect of the swimmers and ultimately earned the right to come back to the Compton slum after the Olympics for September's pick-up invitational. "It was just like when I was coming up in the sport: 48 kids getting together on a Saturday, two captains picking a team, the divers going to their own section of the pool, and basically just having a good, old-fashioned, playground-rules three-hour swim meet." Phelps finished second in the 100-meter butterfly and fifth in the 200-meter individual medley.
Goose Gossage Admitted Into Hall Of Fame After Correctly Answering Three Baseball History Questions #~# COOPERSTOWN, NY—Former relief pitcher Rich "Goose" Gossage was admitted into the Baseball Hall of Fame Sunday after correctly answering the requisite three baseball history questions, ranging from "Which major-league player broke the MLB's color barrier?" to "Yankee Stadium was nicknamed 'The House That Ruth Built' in honor of which Yankee slugger?" "I got lucky with this year's questions," said Gossage, who in 2002 came within one correct answer of making it into the Hall of Fame only to incorrectly guess "Rickey Henderson" on his final question. "The first two answers that year were Rickey Henderson, so I just assumed the last one would be, too. They like to play mind games with you, which is why I was hesitant to answer 'Goose Gossage' on the final question this year." Mark McGwire once again failed to make it into Cooperstown after failing to name every major-league player born in Iowa. 
Bears Unveil New-Look-Like-Shit Offense #~# BOURBONNAIS, IL—The Chicago Bears put on a display of inaccurate passing, sluggish route running, and careless ball-handling Wednesday as the team exhibited their new-look-like-shit offense to fans and media attending training camp to view a full-squad practice. "We finally have the personnel to implement a game plan of high-percentage incomplete passes, completed passes of four yards or less, and a rushing attack that lets us lose control of the game clock with complex plays that take forever to develop and generate negative yardage," offensive coordinator Ron Turner said, explaining why the Bears abandoned the "West-Coast-My-Fat-Ass" offense they ran last year. "I'm confident that both Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton possess the ability to overthrow a receiver on a deep fly pattern or find an open defender and deliver the ball with laser-like precision, so we'll be switching between them often and at random intervals to avoid either one getting into a rhythm or developing any confidence." According to Turner, the offense is starting to malfunction as a cohesive unit and has shown much more consistency at blowing assignments, missing blocks, and fumbling snaps. 
Why Am I The Only Homeless Man Still Wearing Pickle Barrels? #~# I picked up one of our fine city's newspapers from underneath the wheel of a fruit cart last week and saw a fascinating article about our current economic situation. If I read it right—and there is a chance I was simply crazed with hunger at the time—the country is in for some hard times because of a rash of bad loans. Well, I must admit I was flabbergasted by this news. If this is indeed the case, and more people are finding themselves without the means to pay for their housing, then why hasn't there been an uptick in people who, like me, can clothe themselves in naught but pickle barrels?
Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet #~# EARTH—Former vice president Al Gore—who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save—launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world.
Google Launches Wikipedia Competitor #~# Last week, Google made public its beta encyclopedia site, Knol, which unlike Wikipedia features articles written by a named author and only permits selective outsider participation. What are other ways in which Knol differs from Wikipedia?
Justice Dept.: Justice Dept. Broke Law #~# An internal review has concluded that aides to former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales used politics as a guiding factor in hiring, thus breaking the law and ruining the reputation of the Justice Department. What do you think? 
Study: Not Being An Asshole Boss May Boost Employee Morale #~# WAUKEGAN, IL—In what is being called a breakthrough discovery in worker-administrator relations, a study released Monday in the Journal Of Occupational Science found that not being a total asshole supervisor may be linked to improved worker spirit. "In nearly every trial, we found staff morale runs considerably higher when bosses don't read workers' e-mail over their shoulders, complain about their superior salaries, or act in any way like giant, self- centered assholes," said Erica Gorochow, one of the study's researchers. "Similarly, we found that typical dick manager phrases like 'I don't disagree' can weaken worker disposition by as much as 63 percent." Although the study's findings have already sent shock waves through the business community, Gorochow warned that some of the results may have been compromised, as the bitch lead researcher was breathing down her neck the whole time.
My Morbidly Obese Wife Said The Most Interesting Thing The Other Day #~# After 23 years of marriage, you'd think there would be nothing in the world my morbidly obese wife could do to surprise me anymore. You'd say, "Howard, I bet you know just about everything there is to know about that massive woman of yours." But I guess I still have a lot to learn, because yesterday morning my wife, who is quite fat, turns her head to me and says, "They should do a game show hosted by that father from Growing Pains."
Chinese TV Show Canceled After Drawing Only 180 Million Viewers #~# BEIJING—Hijinx Of The Masses, a Chinese sitcom about 16 twentysomethings who live above a tea shop, was canceled Monday after the series premiere was only able to draw a disappointing 180 million viewers. "We were aware that the show would be competing with dragon-boat races on ESPN Macau, but Hijinx Of The Masses still performed much worse than expected," China Central Television network executive Wei Xiang said. "Anything less than a quarter of a billion viewers is simply unacceptable." In order to fill the time slot left by the canceled program, the actors, producers, writers, camera operators, and everyone else associated with the show will be executed live on air next Thursday at 9 p.m.
Girls=Boys in Math #~# Researchers for the National Science Foundation have found that boys and girls now perform equally in standardized math tests. What do you think? 
New Linens-N-Shit Opens #~# MACON, GA—Linens-N-Shit, the nation's largest retailer of bedsheets, tablecloths, and a wide assortment of other shit, will open its new location Tuesday morning at the Macon Mall.
Really-Loud-Whistle Guy Takes Every Opportunity To Whistle Loudly #~# AUSTIN, TX—Whether he's making his approval known during sporting events and rock concerts, or simply in a situation that requires him to get the attention of one or more persons, 33-year-old loud whistler Jim Burston never misses an occasion to insert his pinkies into his mouth and whistle loudly, sources reported Monday. "I'm not sure it was necessary to whistle like that to gather everyone in the breakroom for cupcakes," said coworker Robert Lindel, referring to a recent incident in which Burston whistled piercingly for more than 10 seconds until everyone in his office had assembled for a workplace birthday celebration. "He could have just sent an e-mail." According to witnesses, Burston last whistled loudly at the conclusion of a bris, but was quickly drowned out by loud-air-horn guy Lucas Nesbaum, 32, a man known for frequently discharging an ear-shattering 345-decibel air horn.
Billionaires Donate To Anti-Smoking Drive #~# Former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates and New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg are pledging $500 million to a worldwide anti-smoking campaign. What do you think? 
Sitting Places Of John The Baptist #~# HIST
Mob Not Angry At Monster, Just Disappointed #~# CEAMURLIA, ROMANIA—Clearly frustrated by the third disheartening rampage on their town this week, a band of perturbed, torch-wielding villagers gathered at the gates of Dr. Benedikte Cojocaru's castle Monday to confront the monster that had left a trail of inappropriate destruction and chaos, in hopes of communicating how let down they all felt by his murderous actions, sources said.
WWE Tuesday Night Reflection #~# USA
Can't Go Wrong With A Cheeseburger, Area Man Reports #~# SCOTTSVILLE, NY—Unfamiliar with the menu at local restaurant Scully's and faced with the decision of what to order for lunch, diner Michael Cort, 25, made clear his belief Monday that one cannot go wrong with a cheeseburger. "Pretty hard to screw up one of those guys," said Cort, adding that he would be hard-pressed to remember an occasion on which he had consumed a less-than-satisfactory cheeseburger. "It's a classic. Medium-rare cheeseburger, lettuce, tomato, some fries. Can't beat it." Cort went on to advise those with him to "steer clear" of the fish fry. 
Courageous E-mail To Boss In Drafts Folder Since December #~# COLUMBUS, OH—A bravely worded e-mail written by graphic designer Brent Quigley decrying his advertising firm's "complete lack of managerial competence" and its "utter failure to treat employees with respect" has remained inside the drafts folder since it was first composed on Dec. 4, 2007.
Novak Hits Pedestrian With Corvette #~# Columnist Robert Novak struck a pedestrian while driving a black Corvette on Washington D.C.'s K Street, and had to be chased down by a bicyclist before he stopped. What do you think? 
Live With Regis And Kelly #~# ABC
Only Remaining Rhyme Rapper Can Think Of Is 'Cliff Clavin' #~# ATLANTA—Rapper Young Jeezy, attempting to put the finishing touches on his latest single "U Know Da Club," has exhausted every rhyme possibility for his song's third verse with the exception of "Cliff Clavin," the fictional postal-worker character portrayed by actor John Ratzenberger on the long-running TV show Cheers. "I've already got 'dance-club maven,' 'hip-hop haven,' 'yes I been cravin',' 'ain't misbehavin',' 'pussy gonna cave in,' 'G's I been savin',' 'steel engravin',' and 'rantin' and ravin','" Young Jeezy said. "I guess I could use 'shock-wavin'' or 'clean shaven,' but they just don't make as much sense in context as 'just like Cliff Clavin.'" Jeezy is also struggling to complete a track called "Ideal Woman," since he cannot find a single rhyme for "Rhea Perlman."
Braylon Edwards Claims He Kissed A Bunch Of Girls At Voluntary Camp #~# BEREA, OH—Wide receiver Braylon Edwards regaled his teammates Wednesday with tales of breaking the Browns voluntary-camp curfew to sneak into the girls' dormitory, where he allegedly open-mouth kissed several young women attending the optional workouts. "Oh, yeah, real mouth-open kisses," Edwards said, encouraging his teammates to attend the camp next year if they wanted to take part in the late-night make-out sessions. "I'm not saying they weren't some large girls, but you know what, I think the big ones are more passionate." While head coach Romeo Crennel said he was pleased with Edwards' enthusiasm for the discretionary mini-camp, he expressed concern about the offensive line's allegations that a mysterious figure repeatedly appeared out of nowhere and molested them in their bunks.
Mariners Improve To Eight Games Over .300 #~# SEATTLE—After winning for the seventh time in their past 17 games, the Seattle Mariners moved to eight games over the .300 mark for the first time since early May."I'm pleased, but it's just a number, and over the next few weeks we'll look to get to nine games over, or even 10," said Jim Riggleman, who has led the M's on a .481 streak since taking over as manager in June. "The guys are really starting to come around. [Yuniesky] Betancourt's got a three-game hitting streak, Jose [Lopez] hit a home run this week, and as long as we avoid getting swept and split a two-game series every once in a while, I think we can take a crack at .400."Riggleman went on to express pride in his team for not losing every single game on the road this season.
Report: Greg Maddux Can Guess Any Pitcher's WHIP Just By Looking At Them #~# SAN DIEGO—Padres starter Greg Maddux possesses the uncanny ability to correctly guess any pitcher's WHIP, or walks plus hits per innings pitched, based on that pitcher's appearance alone, NL pitchers reported Monday. "I don't know how he does it, but yesterday during warm-ups, he pointed at me, then Johnny [Cueto], then Francisco [Cordero], and said, '1.28, 1.37, 1.46,'" said Reds starter Edinson Volquez, who had minutes earlier challenged Maddux by betting that the 42-year-old veteran would "never in a million years" be able to guess his WHIP. "The man has a gift." Said Bronson Arroyo: "He sort of stared at me for a minute and said '1.58,' then said 'wait, no,' rubbed his chin a little, asked me to stand up straight, and then said '1.59.' I don't know what my posture has to do with how many runners I allow on base, but I'll be damned if he wasn't exactly right." Pirates starter Tom Gorzelanny is not looking forward to his team's upcoming series against the Padres, as he has been lying about his 1.83 WHIP all season to impress his teammates.
Predictions For Baseball's Second Half #~# With the All-Star break out of the way, Onion Sports runs down what to look for between now and October:
Redskins Acquire Replacement Taylor #~# ASHBURN, VA—The Washington Redskins bolstered their Taylor-depleted roster Monday by trading two future draft picks to the Miami Dolphins for defensive end Jason Taylor to compensate for the unfortunate loss of their previous Taylor, Sean. "We are very fortunate to acquire a Taylor of this caliber," team owner Dan Snyder said of the six-time Pro Bowler. "Since he arrived in the NFL, Jason has been one of the most consistent and durable Taylors to play the game. We consider him to be the premier defensive Taylor in the league." Snyder said the team was also looking into signing a back-up Taylor, Tyler, Williams, and Sanders to increase the team's depth at those positions. 
U.S. Deserters Not Safe in Canada #~# Canada, long considered a safe haven for deserters from the United States armed forces, have been toughening their stance against Americans seeking not to serve. What do you think? 
C.C. Sabathia, Prince Fielder Keep Imagining Each Other As Giant Talking Hot Dog, Hamburger #~# MILWAUKEE—The Brewers' playoff push has run afoul of an unusual distraction, as sources close to the organization confirm that newly acquired husky starting pitcher C.C. Sabathia and sizable power-hitting first baseman Prince Fielder continue to visualize one another as a 6'7" chili cheese dog and a 260-pound hamburger with all the trimmings, respectively.
Tour De France Cyclists Make It Past Dreaded Underwater Stage #~# FRANCE—Luxembourger Frank Schleck, a rider with the CSC team, emerged from the 182-kilometer underwater tunnel stage Monday triumphantly clad in a soaked yellow jersey after braving electric seaweed, underwater volcanoes, cyclist-trapping bubble fountains, carnivorous plants, man-eating fish, and electric eels. "These stages are always a pain," said a visually exhausted Schleck, who went on to complain about the stage's lack of turbo zones and power-ups. "I don't see why we have to go underwater instead of riding through the Pyrenees… It was an aerobic challenge to hold our breath for that long. By the end of it, I only had one life left." The International Cycling Union says next year's Tour will skip the underwater stage as well as the lava stage, ice stage, and the stage where the riders are shrunk to the size of ants and ride the equivalent of 120 miles through a candy store.
You're Never Too Old For Laser Tag vs. Sir, If You're Not Accompanying A Minor I'm Going To Have To Ask You To Leave #~# When I walk into the office on Monday, the guys always ask me what I did over the weekend, and my answer is always the same: I played laser tag! Laser tag is a fun game of strategy, quick thinking, and constant action. When I was younger, I used to spend hours playing tag with my friends—but this game of "tag" is not just for kids. Adults can have a great time playing it too! Whether you're 7 or 107, laser tag is the best!
Queen Elizabeth II Announces She's Pregnant Again #~# LONDON—Citizens from Northumberland to Hampshire are buzzing with excitement as Queen Elizabeth II, 82, formally announced that she is expecting the arrival of another baby, just 532 months after giving birth to Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex.
How Come No One Celebrates My Alcoholism Like John Cheever's? #~# You know, seminal American author John Cheever and I have a lot in common. He needed to drink a fifth of scotch before he had the courage to utter a word to another human being, and so do I. Much like Cheever, I'm completely blotto by 10 a.m. because of a deep, withering fear that my family will eventually discover my bisexuality. And, to top it all off, we were both born in Wollaston, Massachusetts, if you can believe it! But just because he's one of history's finest short story writers, Cheever's epic benders are considered delightful, whereas I've just got a "serious problem with alcohol."
New 'X-Files' Movie Opens #~# Six years after it went off the air, The X-Files is back in a new feature-length film titled The X-Files: I Want To Believe. What is in store for audiences?
Ebert and Roeper Leaving 'Ebert and Roeper' #~# Film critic Roger Ebert and Chicago Sun-Times columnist Richard Roeper have opted not to renew their contract with Disney, thereby ending their show after eight years together. What do you think? 
Darfur, IA Also In Pretty Bad Shape #~# DARFUR, IA—Residents of Darfur, IA reached out to the international press today, in an attempt to bring greater attention to the problems suffered by the rural Midwestern town. While Darfur locals readily empathize with the atrocities occurring in the identically named region of Sudan, many believe that short shrift has been given to the unique issues they face as a struggling farm community. "Sure, there aren't any Janjaweed militiamen tearing through here, raping and murdering women and children, but have you seen the sinkholes on Main Street?" said barber Gerald Pitkin, who later added that a drought the previous summer, while not comparable to taking refuge from murderers in the unforgiving Sahara Desert, had been tough on the local economy. "How about a little relief for us? This 12 percent unemployment rate isn't going to fix itself, you know." The Darfur community board recently organized a benefit carnival with the neighboring town of Tibet in an effort to bring more international attention to their terrible groundwater runoff situation.
Firefighters Turned Away From Exclusive Nightclub Blaze #~# DETROIT—After responding to a fire at elite nightclub Tech-Noir, all 20 members of Ladder Company 24 were denied entrance and forced to stand behind the velvet rope guarding the A-list inferno as it raged on well into early Sunday morning. "There was no way I could let them in dressed like that," said bouncer Ken Hess, who asked emergency personnel to step aside while he allowed a group of good-looking, scantily clad women directly into the blaze. "If they had brought some ladies with them, then maybe. But we have to maintain some standards here." While the firefighters were reportedly saddened by the sight of 63 people burning to death, on the way back to the firehouse they agreed the club was probably just full of stuck-up bitches anyway.
Pope Decries Materialism #~# During a visit to Australia, Pope Benedict XVI spoke out against the "sense of despair" that accompanies material prosperity. What do you think? 
Israel, Palestine Now Fighting Over Cemetery Space #~# JERUSALEM—After decades of bitter conflict and the loss of thousands of innocent lives, Israeli and Palestinian forces clashed once again this week, with each side laying claim to a five-mile stretch of desperately needed cemetery space. 
Man Given Points For Trying Increases Total Trying Points To 643,457 #~# HIAWATHA, IA—After a failed attempt to surprise his family with a chili dinner Friday, Frank Hayden, 38, was given 16 points for trying by his wife, Laura, thereby increasing his running total of trying points to 643,457. "I told him you have to brown the meat before you put the sauce in, or else it doesn't cook right," Mrs. Hayden said. "At least he put in the effort." The failed sauce follows a lifetime of attempts that have earned Hayden points for trying, including failing to climb a rope in fifth-grade gym class, screwing up a tryout to play guitar for an area band, botching his attempt to fix the radio of his 1994 Saab 900, incorrectly ordering a meal in Spanish, and his eldest daughter, Carmen. Hayden is currently trying to save up the 750,000 trying points needed to get a beanbag chair. 
'The Dark Knight' Tops Box Office #~# The latest installment of the Batman franchise opened at No. 1 in the box office this weekend. What do you think? 
Man Returns To Place Of Birth To Mate #~# TWIN FALLS, ID—In one of nature's most stirring and mysterious rituals, human male Michael Forrester journeyed back to his place of birth Monday in order to pair off, reproduce, and ensure the propagation of his species. 
Disney World Secrets #~# Travel
'Time' Publishes Definitive Obama Puff Piece #~# NEW YORK—Hailed by media critics as the fluffiest, most toothless, and softest-hitting coverage of the presidential candidate to date, a story in this week's Time magazine is being called the definitive Barack Obama puff piece.
Rain Told To Go Away In 1986 Returns #~# ADAIR, IA—A rainstorm that in August 1986 was told to "go away" and advised to come again another day returned Monday, soaking the downtown Adair area for much of the afternoon. Thirty-one-year-old investment banker Art Rosenblatt, who issued the request 22 years ago, when he went by the nickname Little Arthur, was among the first to recognize the weather system. "I suppose this was part of the agreement," Rosenblatt said. Later that day, at the behest of Adair resident Little Johnny, 8, the rain once again dissipated. It is expected to return in 2052 as a Category 5 hurricane.
McCain Addresses NAACP #~# Presumptive Republican presidential candidate John McCain spoke before the NAACP on Wednesday. What do you think? 
Smiling Strangers #~# ABC
Television Character Nervous About Upcoming Class Reunion #~# LOS ANGELES—Just one week after being temporarily reunited with his long-lost twin brother, television character Jason Thompson, 28, expressed concern Monday about looking foolish in front of his former classmates during his 10-year high school reunion next month. "My gorgeous next-door neighbor, Melanie, has agreed to pretend to be my wife, and I'm going to tell everyone that I'm a millionaire," Thompson said of his preparations for the reunion, which included accidentally falling asleep inside a tanning bed and getting thrown off a treadmill mistakenly set to its highest speed. "Hopefully I can finally impress Cindy Templeton, who I had a crush on all throughout school." Thompson's selection of a powder-blue tuxedo for the event was met with mild laughter, especially after Thompson's dog, Ernie, hid his face beneath his paws upon seeing it. 
Appealed Strike Call Taken All The Way To Supreme Court #~# WASHINGTON—The United States Supreme Court heard oral arguments yesterday in the case of Wright v. Dreckman, which calls into question professional baseball player David Wright's 2005 check swing against the San Diego Padres and whether or not the resulting strike call should be upheld. 
A-Rod Checks Beckett Baseball Card Monthly To See If Rookie Card Went Up #~# NEW YORK—On a recent visit to a local mall with his wife and children, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez entered a sports memorabilia store and flipped through a copy of Beckett Baseball Card Monthly to see if his recent trip to the disabled list had any effect on the price of his rookie card. "I mean, it's not career-ending, but it could spell a tragically early end to a great career, right?" muttered Rodriguez as he ran his finger across the pages, cross-referencing his name against various baseball card manufacturers. "Topps is up, but that's just a typical monthly increase. Upper Deck's got a high book of $40? Now that's just insulting. And Fleer—Fleer didn't even move at all? Goddamn Fleer." While at the store, Rodriguez purchased an autographed photo of himself hitting his 500th homerun and a novelty street sign reading Alex Rodriguez Way.
Secondhand TV Distracts From Playtime #~# A new study demonstrates that when a television is on the background, children play about 5 percent less than without, thus impeding development of their attention spans. What do you think? 
Hard-Hitting Investigative Report Still Only About Sports #~# BRISTOL, CT—A four month in-depth investigation into the conduct of USC basketball star O.J. Mayo conducted by ESPN's Outside The Lines program was still, in the end, about nothing more important than sports. "[Rodney] Guillory, in violation of NCAA rules, has provided Mayo with cash, thousands of dollars in clothing, a flat-screen television, a cell phone, meals, and other benefits," reported Kelly Naqi of a man who will soon be paid millions of dollars to bounce a ball up and down and throw it through the air. Though there is acknowledged genocide being carried out in the Sudan and refugees of the Chinese earthquakes are once again being relocated due to flooding, Naqi went on to say that "under California state law, it's a misdemeanor for sports agents to provide cash to student athletes." As the Dow Jones index fell another 436 points, Outside The Lines followed up the report with a 15-minute piece on how the unkempt infield at Fenway may cause more errors than at other parks.
Base Runners Agree Albert Pujols Most Awkward First Baseman To Talk To #~# ST. LOUIS—A recent survey conducted by the Elias Sports Bureau shows that 98 percent of all National League base runners agree that Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols is the "weirdest" and "most uncomfortable" first baseman to talk to. "There's nothing more painful than getting a leadoff single when that guy's covering first," said Houston Astros centerfielder Michael Bourn, noting that Pujols' palms are always noticeably sweaty whenever they shake hands. "The guy never looks you in the eye, and he never has anything good to talk about. Sometimes it's so uncomfortable when neither of you talk for like eight or nine pitches that even though you know you're gonna get caught, you just go for the steal to get the hell out of there." The same survey implicates that the Chicago Cubs have given up the fewest doubles in the league, which may be due to the fact that players rarely leave first base in order to spend as much time as possible with Derrek Lee.
Lesser-Known Sports Video Games #~# Sports titles account for almost a third of all video games sold, but not all of them can be best-sellers or long-running franchises. Some that didn't work out:
Sprinter Sends In Home Video Of Self Beating 100-Meter World Record #~# LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—A group of sprinters, Olympic executives, and track-and-field referees gathered at the Comité International Olympique in Lausanne Wednesday to watch a homemade VHS tape produced by Portland, OR resident Craig Seybold in which Seybold appears to defeat Usain Bolt's current record time of 9.72 seconds. "Though there were some odd discontinuities in this tape, we were able to see almost the entirety Mr. Seybold's 8.94-second elapsed time in the 100-meter dash," said Olympic head referee and scorekeeper Walter Night, who immediately recorded the high score on the IOC website. "We realize that Usain Bolt has proven himself at public races, but we're going to count this as an official submission for Seybold and salute him for coming out of nowhere to become 100-meter champion. In the future, if Usain [Bolt] wants to send us a video of himself setting a new record from his garage, we'd be happy to look at that, too." Bolt has reportedly contacted Seybold and requested the loan of his video equipment.
A's Pitchers Meet Up At Cool Pitcher Hangout Called 'The Strike Zone' After Game #~# OAKLAND—Following their victory against the Texas Rangers last night, Oakland A's starting pitchers Greg Smith, Dana Eveland, and Justin Duchscherer made their way over to their favorite post-game hangout, The Strike Zone, where they sat in their usual booth and were greeted by the restaurant's owner/ventriloquist, a colorful character known to them only as Mack. "Just the usual Zone Burger for me, Mack," said Eveland just as the pitchers' popular cheerleading girlfriends Kristen, Jenny, and Liza arrived and took seats next to their respective boyfriends. "You know, I think we all learned something valuable from last night's game. Sure, wins are important, but there's nothing more important than being honest, staying off drugs, and hanging with your friends. Oh, and not throwing parties in the stadium when [A's owner] Mr. Wolf is out of town. Let's never make that mistake again!" The good times were interrupted when rival pitchers from the Los Angeles Angels stormed in, taunted the A's girlfriends, and loudly proclaimed that a victory in next week's big game was all but certain—unless the A's had some wacky scheme up their sleeves.
Shit Yeah, Another Baby #~# Free clinic says I'm gonna have me another baby. Two months I been pregnant already, and it's like I didn't even notice. But now I'm pumped as hell, 'cause I been thinking how my two kids so badass and I already know a lot of stuff about being a good mom. Like I know not to brush their baby hair too rough when they head's all soft and what cartoons are good for learning. This time it ain't even gonna be that hard.
Climate Change's Security Fallout #~# The National Intelligence Council recently addressed Congress to discuss the security threats that need to be considered in the face of global warming. What risks are expected to be aggravated by global warming?
Sen. Dick Lugar Placed On Congressional Disabled List With Strained Hamstring #~# WASHINGTON—Two days after tearing his right hamstring while sponsoring bill S. 2597, Sen. Dick Lugar (R-IN-.314) was placed on the 15-day Congressional Disabled List. "I was up there lobbying to authorize the extension of nondiscriminatory treatment to the products of Moldova, when all of a sudden I felt this snap," said the 76-year-old Lugar, who collapsed on the Senate floor and was unable to walk back to his seat under his own power. "I'm too old to be sponsoring this hard." As Lugar was being carried out of the Capitol on a stretcher, he gave a thumbs-up sign, drawing a standing ovation from his fellow members of Congress. "He's a fighter," said Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV). This is just the latest in a string of bad luck for the Senate, as during a routine checkup Sunday, bone chips were discovered in Iowa senator Tom Harkin's proposing elbow, and doctors have said he may never legislate again.
Hubble Kaleidoscope Finds Evidence Of Space Looking All Crazy #~# BALTIMORE—Astronomers analyzing the first images captured by the new Hubble Space Kaleidoscope, which went online Tuesday, announced that they've acquired the first concrete evidence that the universe is in a constant state of total weirdness.
I Don't Have Time For Noncontroversial Art Exhibits #~# I'm a busy man. If you know me, that's old news. Chances are, if I'm not standing in line for one controversial art exhibition, I'm on my way across town to another. It's no easy schedule, but if I'm going to keep on top of this year's Piss-Christs, I can't be dillydallying. It's got to be bim, bam, human fetus in a Coke bottle. No time for second-guessing or slowly soaking in the dynamic, geometric tension of the upcoming Cézanne retrospective. Not while there's a guy in the East Village who's going to vomit Cheerios into a piggy bank and smash it open with his penis.
Bush Lifts Offshore Drilling Ban #~# To give the appearance of combating high oil prices, President Bush lifted a long-standing executive order prohibiting offshore drilling. What do you think? 
Going To Tops Of Things Still Favored By Nation's Tourists #~# NEW YORK—According to a report released Monday by the American Tourism Society, going to the tops of things is still the preferred activity among the nation's tourists. "Although driving past things and swimming in things have both grown in popularity over the last decade, going to the tops of things still surpasses both by nearly 30 percent," said ATS president Kimberly Davis, who was careful to point out that the photographing of things was not included in the report, since the near constant occurrence of this activity makes its frequency impossible to calculate. "In 2008, tourists remained committed to standing in long lines at the bottoms of things, paying upwards of $20 to gain access to the tops of those things, and then staring at other smaller, more distant things for a few minutes before descending, often to have funny pictures of themselves drawn incorporating the things in the background." Davis added that, perhaps as a consequence of the declining economy, the purchasing of miniature representations of the things that tourists enjoy going to the tops of has dropped by 14 percent. 
Obama Chastises Bernie Mac #~# Presumptive Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama asked comedian Bernie Mac to "clean up his act" after some of his jokes rankled audience members at an Obama fundraiser. What do you think?
Recession-Plagued Nation Demands New Bubble To Invest In #~# WASHINGTON—A panel of top business leaders testified before Congress about the worsening recession Monday, demanding the government provide Americans with a new irresponsible and largely illusory economic bubble in which to invest.
No One In Group Admits Girls' Night Out A Colossal Failure #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—After hyping the outing with several days of text messages, including "things are going to get crazy," "the Bod Squad is back in action," and "OMG! GNO!," friends Tina Zayac, Heather Thibert, and Christina Roath refused to admit Sunday that their girls' night out was a disappointment. "It was fun," said Thibert, 28, who returned to her apartment at 11:30 p.m., despite earlier promises to "stay out all night" and "get dolled up and get [her] dance on." The girls reportedly waited for a table at Blue Grotto for more than an hour, chose not to get wine at the restaurant because it was too expensive, and concluded the evening by spending two hours at a karaoke bar trying to convince Roath to sing "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" with them before ultimately deciding they weren't in the mood for karaoke. Thibert added, "Just me and the girls, like old times. Even though Becky [Traber] didn't show up, cuz she always flakes out."
Right To Own Guns Upheld #~# In its first interpretation of the Second Amendment in 80 years, the Supreme Court overturned Washington D.C.'s gun ban, stating that Americans had the right to own handguns. What do you think?
Friend Somehow Bad At Hanging Out #~# HOLDREGE, NE—According to local resident Jay Reagor, his longtime friend Geoff Scovell, 25, is somehow not good at hanging out, the low-pressure recreational pastime in which skill and ability are generally not considered to be factors.
5-Year-Old Wants To Be A Tractor When She Grows Up #~# AKRON, OH—In a statement delivered to friends, family members, and household pets, Kendall Garretson announced Monday that she would like to become an 13-ton, 275-horsepower John Deere row-crop tractor when she grows up.
Singing, Dancing Man Just Getting Started #~# CHICAGO—Despite having just completed a brief, wholly satisfactory down-tempo song-and-dance number followed by a brief pause that led many to believe he had completed all singing and dancing, tuxedoed entertainer Rick Werner, 29, made it clear Tuesday that he was just getting started. After being tossed a top hat and cane by an unidentified offstage associate, Werner performed high kicks in time to three brassy, ascending notes as a large curtain rose behind him to reveal approximately four dozen identically dressed performers. "Hey, now that's the stuff," Werner said as he stepped sideways across the stage making tight, circular motions with flat-palmed hands. "Cha." At press time, dazzled sources had not yet confirmed whether the stage was retracting to reveal a pool full of synchronized swimmers.
Life Expectancy Falls #~# A study at the Harvard Global Health Initiative shows that, for a segment of the population, life expectancy is lower now that in was in the early '80s. What do you think? 
U.S. Intelligence: Burundi May Be Developing Telephone #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released by the Pentagon, evidence suggests that the small Central African nation of Burundi may be developing a telephone, and experts warn the country could be just 10 years away from achieving a dial tone. "If Burundi's telephone has long-distance capabilities, it will be possible for them to reach the continental United States and parts of Canada with just the push of several buttons," CIA spokesman Richard Caburn said. "Thankfully, we possess advanced caller ID technology, so if they ever decide to call, we will be prepared." The Pentagon has mailed Burundi a letter asking them to end their communications program immediately, and has not ruled out the option of a preemptive nuclear strike on the nation. 
All-Star Game Gimmicks #~# As if it weren't enough to feature the game's top players in the only All-Star game in all the pro sports with any real implications, Major League Baseball and Fox have decided to spice up the contest with a few tweaks. Onion Sports lists the most intriguing:
Economy Down, Crimestoppers Tips Up #~# As food and gas increase in price, so, too, do calls to Crimestoppers looking to trade tips for reward money. What do you think? 
Girlfriend Wants To Leave Game Now #~# BOSTON—According to eyewitness reports, Jennifer Holleman, 25, wants to leave the game now despite the difficulty and expense of obtaining tickets, the strong playoff implications of the contest, and the fact that the final result of the hotly contested tie game is still in doubt. "Are you still watching this? Or can we leave soon?" Holleman asked boyfriend Ian Pickett, who had been looking forward to the game for weeks and had in fact initially invited his best friend before finally being coerced by Holleman to bring her instead. "Let's go watch a movie or something. Or I could call Liz and Michelle and meet up at a bar that's playing the game there.Then you could still watch the end of the game. We've been here for an hour already and no one's even winning." Earlier in the evening, Pickett had missed the only scoring of the once-in-a-lifetime sporting epic while waiting in line at the gift shop to purchase a pink version of the home team's hat.
Jamie Moyer Change-Up Arrives At Home Plate After Long Journey #~# PHILADELPHIA—Following a 60-foot, six-inch voyage that began at the distant pitching rubber, a Jamie Moyer-thrown change-up arrived at home plate for a called third strike nearly 147 seconds after it was thrown. "There were a few minutes when I thought it would never get here," said Phillies catcher Chris Coste, who had to rise from his squatting position to stretch twice during the pitch's journey in order to keep the feeling in his legs. "First Ryan [Howard] almost cut it off to catch the runner going to second, then decided against it, then was about to grab it again before I shouted to him that it might count as a balk. Then the batter took a swing, backed up and took another swing before striking out when it hit the outside corner.After that, I had to wait in the catcher's box for what felt like forever when the runner decided to try to score all the way from first.And then you saw how [centerfielder] Shane [Victorino] almost ruined the whole thing when he ran past the pitch because he thought the inning was over. Thank goodness Jamie's change-up had that very, very late movement so that it eventually dipped around Shane and right into the sliding runner's path." Moyer later revealed that the pitch was a fastball.
Mark Cuban Buys Sports #~# DALLAS—Billionaire Mark Cuban, tired of the opposition he has encountered from NBA management in his role as owner of the Dallas Mavericks and frustrated with opposition from the MLB owners' association in his attempt to buy the Chicago Cubs, liquidated almost all his personal wealth and holdings and purchased the entirety of sports for an undisclosed but undoubtedly large sum on Monday.
Experts Find Having Fun Not Necessarily A Key To Victory #~# NEW YORK—Despite repeated entreaties from coaches that players just go out there and have fun, recent research and analysis of basketball, baseball, football, hockey, and soccer undertaken by the Elias Sports Bureau has proven that having fun will not lead to winning. "As it turns out, skill, talent, team depth, execution, and luck are the most important factors of winning," said Elias statistician Adam Conover. "Most of the time, athletes are concentrating remarkably hard and are making an all-out physical effort to outdo their opponent, which leaves little or no opportunity to experience joy, feel a love of the game, and least of all, have fun." To prove his theory, Conover explained that World Series winner Roger Clemens, Stanley Cup champion Mark Messier, and Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning had obviously not enjoyed their experiences one bit.
At-Bat Following Grand Slam Just Kind Of Awkward #~# HOUSTON—Astros right fielder Hunter Pence expressed consternation following teammate Miguel Tejada's seventh inning grand slam, saying the proceedings took a decided turn for the awkward from that moment on. "Now where does that leave me exactly?" Pence said after the game, referring to the at-bat in question, in which the sixth-place hitter took two called strikes before hitting a check swing grounder to second base. "Not to mention the fact that when I got up there it was 7-0 all of a sudden. Best case, and I'm talking about if everything goes perfectly, I would've driven in one run, maximum. I felt like an idiot." Cardinals pitcher Ryan Franklin, the man who gave up the grand slam in question, calmly retired the next three batters, walked down to the visiting clubhouse, and took his own life.
Shortstop Tony Peña Jr. Upset He Doesn't Have A Base #~# KANSAS CITY—Royals shortstop Tony Peña Jr. expressed his long-held grievances Wednesday concerning the unfairness and injustice involved in not having a base of his own to cover. "It's not fair. Why does every infielder get a base but me?" said Peña, who has received two warnings from umpires in recent games to stop bringing out his own base to shortstop. "[First baseman Mark] Teahen gets to stand right on his very own base all day. And [catcher John] Buck gets to wear all that cool equipment and hang out by the most important base of them all. I'm stuck in no man's land, just throwing the ball to everyone else. This sucks." Second baseman Mark Grudzielanek later met with Peña to discuss a compromise in which both players would stand approximately the same distance from second. 
We're Investing So Much In Alternative Fuels, Sometimes We Almost Forget To Pump Oil! #~# Ever since we changed our name from British Petroleum to BP (Beyond Petroleum) in 2000, we've led the way in developing progressive, environmentally friendly alternatives to gasoline. These last few years of pouring money into biofuels and renewable energy sources have been so great that I can't for the life of me remember why we used to drill for dirty old oil in the first place! What's that? You mean we're still pumping that stuff from hundreds of refineries all over the world?
Hey Everybody, Let's All Go To The Beach And Complain #~# The warm weather's upon us, and you know what that means: It's fun and sun and whining time! Just doesn't feel like summer until we hit the surf and sand and bitch about every conceivable thing. So what's say we pile into the hot car, drive through 25 miles of bumper- to-bumper traffic to get to an overcrowded beach, and just kick back and loudly complain about every facet of this seminal summertime experience!
Bill Clinton Sadly Folds First Lady Dress Back Into Box #~# CHAPPAQUA, NY—After months of tirelessly supporting his wife on the campaign trail, devoted spouse and former president Bill Clinton breathed a resigned sigh Monday and carefully folded the charcoal silk, fitted sheath dress he had hoped to wear as first lady during next January's inauguration and placed it back in its beautiful box.
T.G.I. Friday's Executive Chef Recommends Booze-On-Meat-With-Cheese Thing #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—The executive chef of the Tremont Road T.G.I. Friday's strongly recommended that a table of VIP guests try the evening's special: a "tender, juicy, and heavily seasoned" booze-on-meat-with-cheese thing. "Tonight's special is a succulent 8-ounce meat, infused with imported cheese and drizzled with a creamy reduction of booze," said chef Tom Pinelli, adding that the entrée is served on a bed of cheese and meat, and is best paired with a glass of booze. "However, if you're in the mood for something a little lighter, we do have a refreshing selection of sauce-on-fish-on-stick stuff, as well as some healthier cheese-filled-meat-under-bacon options." For vegetarian diners, Pinelli recommended the 56-ounce fried mushroom.
Fox News Racism: Intentional? #~# Over the past few weeks, Fox News has made racially insensitive insinuations about the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, Barack Obama, referring to his wife as his "baby mama" and calling a greeting the couple exchanged a "terrorist fist jab." What other similar incidents have occurred on Fox News?
Stress In Pregnancy Influences Asthma #~# A recent study shows that if a pregnant woman is exposed to high levels of stress, her child is more likely to develop asthma or allergies later in life. What do you think? 
Who Will Be Obama's Running Mate? #~# Speculation is rampant about who Sen. Barack Obama will choose as his vice-presidential candidate. Here are the top contenders:
Class Of '88 Reunion Attendees Once Again Trick Sue Thorpe Into Thinking Jeff Urban Likes Her #~# ABERDEEN, ID—While attending her 20-year high school reunion Monday, 38-year-old claims adjuster Sue Thorpe was once again tricked into believing that used-car salesman and former homecoming king Jeff Urban had a crush on her, a replay of a cruel prank first played on Thorpe during her senior prom in 1988. "Becky [Linden] told me that Jeff was real lonely after his divorce, and that he had thought about me a lot over the years," Thorpe said tearfully after being humiliated in front of her entire class when the now 252-pound Urban refused to dance with her. "And Bella [Cortland] said that because Jeff's a notary public now, it's illegal for him to lie, so he had to be telling the truth when she asked Jeff if he liked me and he said yes. Why do they keep doing this to me?" Later that evening, a dejected Thorpe repeated another dark chapter from her past when she got drunk and was impregnated by Louis O'Keefe in a soccer goal.
Talking Through Tragedy Not Necessarily Beneficial #~# A study conducted by the University of Buffalo found that people who discuss their feelings following a tragedy are no more likely to feel better later than those who don't. What do you think? 
Special Ops Veteran Slips Back Into Family Undetected #~# ORLANDO, FL—After spending six years overseas as a covert operations specialist, Joe Jacobs slipped silently back into his family unit Tuesday, reappearing inside his home's dining room as if out of thin air. "This truck exploded across the street, and when we looked back, Dad was sitting next to me, already halfway through his chicken-fried steak," said son Michael, adding that the pyrotechnic diversionary tactic was "classic Dad." "Other than the 6-inch scar across his face, it's like he was never gone." Upon his return, Jacobs immediately demanded a concise summary of the last 10 arguments between Michael and his sister Lauren, as well as a quick debriefing re: the whereabouts of that raccoon that used to live in the shed. 
Teens Ignore Mobile-Phone Laws #~# A new study from the insurance industry indicates that teens do not follow cell-phone laws while driving. What do you think?
Steven Tyler Laid Off From Aerosmith As Band's Jobless Rate Hits 20% #~# BOSTON—After years of relative stability, the Aerosmith unemployment rate soared to an all-time high of 20 percent Monday following the downsizing of the band's vocal sector, Steven Tyler.
Pedophile Nervous For First Day Of School #~# SEATTLE—Worried about meeting new children and making friends, area pedophile Howard Dengal admitted Monday that he was feeling "pretty nervous" for the first day of school.
Juicer Infomercial Sweeps Early Morning Emmys #~# LOS ANGELES—Expectations were running high for Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer going into the 2008 Early Morning Emmys, the annual award ceremony honoring television's finest programming between the hours of 3 a.m. and 6 a.m., but no one expected it to be so dominant. When the night was over, the paid program had netted itself a record 10 awards. 
DNC Coverage: Post Mortem #~#  DAMN IT!
Smiling Now Primarily Used To Communicate Anger #~# NEW YORK—The smile, a facial expression traditionally used to convey joy, pleasure, or amusement, is now mainly used to suppress rage, according to a five-year study released Monday by the Countenance Institute. "More than 85 percent of smiles are involuntary responses to mounting anger," the study read in part. "In addition, the length and intensity of these smiles directly correspond to the amount of anger the smile is concealing. A smile that lasts less than two seconds represents just a passing annoyance, while a smile of four to eight seconds indicates a genuine hatred for its target." The study noted that individuals smiling for more than one minute while nodding and baring their teeth are most likely preparing to kill the person they are smiling at.
Mugabe Heckled By Parliament #~# President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe was loudly derided as a murderer by the Movement for Democratic Change as he opened a meeting of parliament. What do you think? 
DNC Coverage: Thank You Denver! #~# As the Denver stars sparkle in the Denver sky, I pass the Majestic Pepsi Cola Center Sculpture, and guess what? It lights up with little tiny lights, echoing the beautiful stars in the heavens above. Again, this photo does not do it justice—you had to be here.
DNC Coverage: August Surprise? #~# Well, I closed the Fancy Grill, and upon leaving look who I saw outside:
DNC Coverage: ***BREAKING NEWS!!!!**** #~# EDITOR – PLEASE POST IMMEDIATELY!
DNC Coverage: A New Dawn #~# I slept in today (I deserved it!) and took my time getting to the Con. I'll be honest with you, after the way Denver has treated me the past three days, I thought about going home early. But my journalist instinct said I should stay—and how right I was, as you'll soon learn!
DNC Coverage: Change I Can Believe In! #~# I needed a pick-me-up after the confrontation with Wolf and Anderson. In the hall I found this:
DNC Coverage: Faded Promise #~# People started giving boring speeches from the stage at "the Con" so I decided to call it a night. On my way out of the hall I spotted the mystery man I'd seen earlier.
DNC Coverage: Sheep In Wolf's Clothing #~# As the last vestiges of corn dog were swilling in my gullet, I came upon the CNN booth. I wasn't sure how they'd react to me considering our feud. I had two choices, play it tough, or play it cool. I opted to try getting on their good side. I yelled out to Anderson Cooper a hearty congratulations on their new ice cream. He just stared at me like I was speaking Chinese:
DNC Coverage: Stars Of All Different Stripes #~# I decided to let my corn dog digest while taking in the majestic Pepsi Cola Center last night and let me tell you, there was a lot of commotion. It was very confusing as to who was who, but a few people caught my eye:
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Babies #~# Cartoon Network
Report: Turkey Sandwiches An Excellent Source Of Turkey Sandwiches #~# CHICAGO—Turkey sandwiches, long suspected of being a rich source of turkey sandwiches, were found to contain a substantial amount of turkey sandwich in every bite, the Food and Drug Administration reported Monday. "While traces of turkey sandwich can be found in other foods, such as turkey, bread, mayonnaise, or turkey-and-ham sandwiches, only turkey sandwiches contain 100 percent turkey sandwich," the report read in part. "In addition, eating a turkey sandwich a day is proven to help reduce the risk of not eating turkey sandwiches. This is great news for the 12 million Americans who aren't currently getting enough turkey sandwich." The report noted that turkey sandwiches are no longer considered to be a good source of hot dogs.
DNC Coverage: **EXCLUSIVE BREAKING NEWS!** #~# NOTE TO EDITOR: PLEASE POST IMMEDIATELY
DNC Coverage: Unilateral Response #~# When I agreed to come to Denver, I told my editors I wouldn't be able to do any cartooning—I figured I'd be way too busy, and I was right. But sometimes the issues of the day can get under my skin so deep that I can't help myself. That's what Politics can do to a person, and that's why I do what I do. Where there's injustice in the world, there's a pen in my hand.
DNC Coverage: Secret Service #~# In my quest for "An American President" on VHS, I'd nearly forgotten all about the CNN Fancy Grill. But sure enough, as I show up, there it is, mocking me in front of the beautiful Pepsi Cola Center.
Amish Population Boom #~# Over the past 16 years, the U.S. Amish population has nearly doubled. What do you think? 
Hawaii Wins Little League World Series #~# WILLIAMSPORT, PA—The Hawaii team, known for its powerful lineup of short, fat Skill 5 hitters, defeated the Mexico team 12-3 in the championship game of the Little League World Series, a four-round, single-player tournament held from 2 p.m. to 3:15 p.m. Sunday. A majority of the games were played in Speed Mode.
Report: Dwyane Wade Left Cell-Phone Charger In China #~# MIAMI—After turning on his cell phone upon landing at the Miami International Airport Monday, Team USA basketball guard and gold medalist Dwyane Wade reportedly realized he had forgotten his phone's charger in his Beijing hotel room. "Shoot, I know exactly where it is, too," said Wade, adding that the charger is located in the outlet near the sink—not the sink in the bathroom but the sink just outside the bathroom. "I wonder if they could send it back to me. Or maybe I should just forget about it and buy a new one. Dammit, they're like 40 bucks." Wade seemed to reach a decision mere moments later, wondering aloud if the Radio Shack near his house is open after 9 p.m. 
'Inside The Golf Bag' Best Title Ernie Els Could Think Of For Autobiography #~# WENTWORTH, ENGLAND—PGA Tour veteran Ernie Els announced Tuesday that he had settled on the title Inside The Golf Bag for his autobiography after eliminating a number of possible titles, including Removing The Pins, Irons Man, Teeing Off, Beyond The Golf Bag, Replacing My Divots, and Behind The Golf Bag. "Coming up with something pretty good was a lot harder than I imagined," said Els, who initially intended to use the title Dude, Where's My Cart? before deciding the reference was too dated. "I really liked Hookin' It, because I thought it tapped into the uncontrollable directions life takes sometimes, but Padraig Harrington said he was almost positive some professional bass fisherman had already used the title." Els added that he plans on using most of his 50 brainstormed titles as chapter headings, confirming that he already slotted in Ball In Play, In The Hole, and Lady Hittin' From A Man's Tee.
Guy Who Just Beat You To Bus Stop Usain Bolt #~# NEW YORK—Eyewitnesses confirm that the unusually quick young man who sprinted past you on the sidewalk this morning carrying a briefcase in one hand and a tall coffee in the other and easily caught the bus that you missed by over 10 seconds was, in fact, multiple Olympic gold medalist and world record holder Usain Bolt. "Why, hello there," said Bolt when you finally arrived at the office, noting that he had already finished his coffee, gotten the last onion bagel from the break room, taken the sports page from the office copy of USA Today, and started chatting up the new girl in marketing. "What kept you?" People who saw Bolt run past you say he would have caught the bus even more easily had he not been celebrating and taunting you for the last half-block.
Stuart Scott's Left Eye Moves To Fox #~# BRISTOL, CT—In a move that came as little surprise to members of the sports media, ESPN anchor Stuart Scott announced Wednesday that his left eye had signed a lucrative eight-year, $70 million deal with Fox Sports and would report to work within the next month. "Though we did our best to hide it, usually by using thicker than normal glasses, I think people could easily tell that my left eye and I had been going in different personal and professional directions for some time," Scott said during a press conference at which the eye was present, but elected to remain silent throughout, staring off to one side as Scott spoke. "I wish it all the best in its future endeavors." Fox Sports President Ed Goren said he has big plans for the eye, adding that its off-putting and distracting SportsCenter host has been holding it back for far too long.
Great Olympic Moments From The Lesser-Known Sports #~# Some of the greatest achievements in Beijing didn't happen on the track or in the pool. Onion Sports looks at notable stories from the less popular events:
Michael Phelps' Name To Be Mentioned Six Times Following Olympics #~# NEW YORK—Once the euphoria accompanying his remarkable eight Olympic gold medals subsides later this month, Michael Phelps will be mentioned by name only half a dozen more times throughout human history, experts confirmed Tuesday. "Oh, there will be some endorsements, and he'll be brought up a couple times during the London games, and naturally we can't rule out trivia questions," said Marita Sturken, a media and culture expert at New York University. "But in the end, Mike Phillips will be just another footnote in history." An informal survey of prominent newspapers, websites, and magazines found that mentions of the once-prominent swimmer's name are already becoming scarce, especially towards the conclusion of shorter articles.
DNC Coverage: Great Expectations #~# Well, I can't find a video store in this town to save my life. If I knew some "locals" maybe I could ask for some advice on that front, but I'm not one to reach out to strangers – you just can't be too safe is the way I see it (Especially in a place like Denver).
DNC Coverage: A Matter Of Justice #~# I got an early start this morning to try and track down "An American President" on VHS somewhere here in Denver. Haven't found it yet, but I did come across this:
DNC Coverage: An American President #~# Things were quiet at the Con last night so I decided to turn in early and catch a little of the "Boob Tube." You'll never believe what was on channel 87: "Romancing the Stone!"
Cheney To Speak At Republican Convention From Section 109, Row 56, Seat 3 #~# WASHINGTON—Vice President Dick Cheney’s office announced today that he will speak at the upcoming Republican National Convention in St. Paul, MN, offering farewell wishes and personal observations about John McCain to anyone in the vicinity of his seat in the upper balcony. “The vice president has prepared a number of remarks to mutter angrily during Sen. Tom Coburn’s speech,” Cheney spokeswoman Megan Mitchell said. “We cannot divulge the specifics of his address at this time, although I imagine it will begin shortly after he spots [Sen. Joseph] Lieberman.” Although no advance copy of the speech has been provided, Cheney is expected to cover a variety of hot-button issues, including the war in Iraq, Barack Obama, the conflict in Georgia, the idiots they have speaking at these things, legroom, the workers at the concession stand, the heat in this frigging place, and President Bush’s tie.
DNC Coverage: Cover Up #~# You get a lot of griping from journalists who say "Nothing Happens" at these political conventions. There is a lot going on - but you just have to look for it.
Point/Counterpoint: Party! vs. Whoo! Party! #~# Party! Yeah, man! All right! Can you believe this?! Damn!
DNC Coverage: Shoulder To Shoulder With Greatness #~# In the center of the photo to your right, I believe, is a famous man.
DNC Coverage: Choice Of A New Generation #~# One thing Denver HAS gotten right is the beautiful Pepsi Cola Center. I always hate when people tell me, "you had to be there," but — sorry folks — this is a place that mere words can’t describe. To fully take it in, you have to be here. But I'll try to bring a little Pepsi Cola Center home to you — starting with this photo:  
Restaurants Struggle To Keep Customers #~# The recent bankruptcy of the Bennigan's and Steak & Ale chains is one symptom of the struggle that casual dining establishments are facing during the economic downturn. 
FBI Launches Nationwide Manhunt For New Office Manager #~# WASHINGTON—The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Monday that it will use all of its resources to sweep the nation in an exhaustive search for a new office manager/receptionist. "We are looking for a Caucasian male or female in their late 20s or early 30s," read a portion of one of thousands of "Wanted" posters hung on telephone poles and employment-office bulletin boards around the country. "The suspect is considered armed with a great personality and dangerously good at replacing toner cartridges. He or she was last seen on the corner of 'Opportunity St.' and 'Competitive Benefits Package Blvd.'" In a statement to the press, FBI director Robert Mueller reiterated that his team of highly trained federal operatives "will not stop until [they] find the man or woman responsible enough to replace Jessie." The FBI has interrogated more than 450 potential suspects thus far and tortured three, but none of them has fit the description of someone willing to work for $32,500 a year. 
Obama Modifies 'Yes We Can' Message To Exclude Area Loser #~# COLUMBIA, SC—In a nationally televised speech Friday, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama altered his vision of a unified America to exclude Dayton, OH loser Nate Walsh.
America Needs To Have A Superficial Conversation About Race #~# The people of America need to put aside their differences and come together on common ground. Especially at this crucial moment in our history. How better, I ask, to achieve this goal than to engage in an inconclusive, protracted, ignorant, and superficial examination of the issue of race?
Moisturizers Cause Cancer In Mice #~# Four moisturizers have been found to cause skin cancer in mice. What do you think? 
DNC Coverage: Media Bias? #~# Got to the Con and I decided I should bury the hatchet and end my feud with CNN and go and check out their Fancy Grill. I can't hold a grudge forever and besides I could use a bite.
DNC Coverage: Denver, Clean Up Your Act! #~# Thought I'd take my time getting to the Con today and get my bearings in this strange new world called Denver — emphasis on the "Strange." Get a load of what I found:
DNC Coverage: Catching Up #~# It was a slow night at the "Con" last night so I decided to skip it (Don't tell my editor!). But I'm putting in some time this morning catching up.  
DNC Coverage: Some Dish #~# I went to a party celebrating Hurricane Katrina. Look what I found at the buffet:
DNC Coverage: Here's A Real "Scoop!" #~# CNN also has their own ice cream. This really proves they really are the Best Political Team on TV. Take that, MSNBC!  
Bush Lets War Widow Punch His Arm Once #~# WASHINGTON—In an unprecedented gesture of apology, President Bush allowed widow Mary Holt, 32, to punch him once on the left arm Monday as retribution for the death of her husband, Marine Pfc. David Holt, who was killed in a 2007 roadside bomb explosion outside Fallujah. "President Bush cares very deeply about the families of our fallen heroes," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, who later explained the stipulations of the punch, which included no monkey bubbles or taking a running start. "The president gladly would have let Mrs. Holt punch his favored right arm if it didn't still sting from when little Abigail Pritchard give him a five-second Indian burn for her grandmother being killed in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina." After delivering the blow, Holt reportedly sustained massive internal hemorrhaging when five Secret Service agents tackled the grieving widow to the ground.
Seinfeld To Revive Microsoft #~# In order to revitalize its brand image, Microsoft has hired former sitcom actor Jerry Seinfeld as a spokesman. What do you think? 
DNC Coverage: A Not-So-Conventional Eatery #~# Look at this — the CNN network owns it's own building right here in Denver!
DNC Coverage: Denver's True Colors #~# After waiting what seemed like an eternity, my bus finally arrived. But just look at the driver!
DNC Coverage: Warm Welcome? #~# I have been notified by my editors that the telegram writing format style has been "upgraded" in the "Information Age."  Well, that is technology for you and you can’t fight progress!
U.S. Advises Allies Not To Border Russia #~# WASHINGTON—Following Russia's controversial military excursions into neighboring Georgia, the Bush administration made its most direct commitment to the U.S.'s Eastern European allies to date by "strongly advising" those countries not to border Russia under any circumstance. "The United States stands by its allies, but will not be able to defend our friends in the region if they continue to share geographical lines with Russia," Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said at a Monday press conference. "We also recommend that those nations who may not border Russia but were once a part of the USSR immediately cease and desist from having had that history with the Soviet Union." Rice later pledged financial aid to the victims of devastating flooding in the West African nation of Togo, effective upon the country first meeting the stipulation of removing itself from under water.
Hummingbird Back At Feeder Again, Grandmother Reports #~# DES MOINES, IA—Area grandmother Eileen Lankford, 82, announced Tuesday that a hummingbird, which she has reported seeing on multiple occasions in the past several weeks, was back at the birdfeeder outside her kitchen window.
DNC Coverage: Off To A Bad Start #~# Have arrived in Denver STOP.
Obama Picks Biden As VP #~# Barack Obama announced via an early-morning text message that Senator Joe Biden will be his running mate. What do you think? 
Superintendent Draws Up 'Dream School Board' Of All-Time Greats #~# BROWNSVILLE, IN—Inspired by an exciting school board meeting concerning a pay increase for substitute teachers, superintendent and avid educational-policy-council fan Peter Geyer put together what he dubbed a "dream voting panel" made up of the greatest Brownsville School Board members of all time.
So You Think You Can Dance? #~# FOX
Aaron Sorkin Announces New 'West Wing' Animated Series At SorCon #~# SAN DIEGO—On day two of the 2008 San Diego SorCon, the biggest Aaron Sorkin convention in the world, screenwriter and producer Aaron Sorkin revealed plans for his next project, an animated continuation of his most popular franchise, The West Wing.
Bush Told To Sign Birthday Treaty For Someone Named 'Kyoto' #~# WASHINGTON—Enlisted by members of the House and Senate, presidential aide Rebecca Tandy brought a copy of the international climate-change treaty to President Bush's desk Monday and asked him to sign a birthday document for a Japanese dignitary named "Kyoto Protocol." "Mr. Protocol really likes treaties, so we got him this treaty instead of a card, so if you could just—all the other countries have already signed it," a nervous Tandy reportedly said to Bush, who quickly scrawled his signature on the treaty and told her to tell Kyoto he said "hi." "And now, if you could just initial here, and here, and here, and, oh, you can ignore all that stuff about sulfides. That's just an inside joke." House Speaker Nancy Pelosi later attempted to get Bush to sign a "bar mitzvah stop-use agreement" for the son of Mr. and Mrs. Ben Clusterbomb. 
College Presidents Rethinking Drinking Age #~# A group of 104 college and university presidents has signed a statement that suggests the minimum drinking age of 21 encourages a culture of dangerous, clandestine drinking. What do you think? 
Seven Stories #~# ABC
Bigfoot Corpse A Fraud #~# Members of Search For Bigfoot, Inc. said they had been tricked into buying a fake Sasquatch body from an ex-policeman. What do you think? 
Netherlands Taught How To Play Softball Seconds Before Being Shoved Onto Field Against U.S. Team #~# BEIJING—International Softball Federation officials met with the Netherlands softball team to explain the rules of the sport and provide helpful pointers mere seconds before their preliminary match against the United States on Sunday. "Now this long metal rod is called a 'bat'—that's what you use to hit the ball," ISF president Don Porter explained in the Dutch locker room as the players smeared eye black on their faces and palms and attempted to wear their batting helmets backwards as game time neared. An increasingly rushed Porter added, "Remember to always throw the ball underhand as hard as you can so that they can't hit it, and catch the ball before it hits the ground. Oh, and if you're batting and the ball is hit in the air, don't run to the next base until someone catches it, and if the bases are loaded and the batter hits a pop-up, she's automatically out if there are less than two outs, and keep your hands inside the ball when you swing to spray it to the other field. All right, now get out there! Hurry! Go, go, go!"The confused Netherlands team was eventually disqualified for attempting to play field hockey.
Jeremy Shockey Offers To Tear Down New Orleans Residents' Homes #~# NEW ORLEANS—Inspired to donate his time to the people of New Orleans after touring a neighborhood in the troubled Ninth Ward Monday, Saints tight end Jeremy Shockey volunteered to help residents demolish their homes by using a sledgehammer to knock down walls, razing buildings with a bulldozer, or shooting out windows with a nail gun. "No one should have to live anywhere near houses that look like this," Shockey said. "As a new member of this community, I feel it's my duty to keep working until every person in this neighborhood has a house that's been leveled." According to local residents, Shockey has already destroyed three Habitat for Humanity structures, dismantled several United Way projects, and flattened at least a dozen homes rebuilt since 2006.
Brett Favre On Learning Jets' Intricate Offensive System: 'I Like Football' #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Newly acquired Jets quarterback Brett Favre, when asked how he was adapting to the intricate terminology and increased complexity of the Jets' playbook after a career running the West Coast offense, assured reporters that he did indeed like football. "I like football," Favre said in response to inquiries as to how he would handle the emphasis on downfield passing and the increased demand for adaptation through the multiple audibles found in Coach Mangini's offense. "I like it a lot." Favre went 5 for 6 in the recent scrimmage against Washington and seemed to enjoy himself immensely.
Remembering The Original Dream Team #~# With the USA's "Dream Team" looking to redeem their poor 2004 performance, Onion Sports looks back on the first, and arguably the best, Dream Team:
Michael Phelps Returns To His Tank At Sea World #~# ORLANDO—Fourteen-time Olympic gold medalist and SeaWorld main attraction Michael Phelps returned to his seven-million-gallon water tank Wednesday to resume his normal schedule of performing in six shows a day for marine park crowds every day of the week.
Neighbor Spotted Judging Women's Gymnastics Events On NBC #~# BRAYTON, IA—Local residents Harold and Eileen Weintraub were surprised and confused Sunday night when, while watching the 2008 Olympic Games on NBC, they saw their next-door neighbor Philip Truesdell, 57, judging women's gymnastics events. "Hey Eileen, is that…is that Phil?" Harold Weintraub said to his wife, who after walking over to the television, confirmed that the man in the suit scoring international competitors in the vault, floor, and balance beam events was in fact their neighbor of 22 years. "What's he doing there? I talked to him while he was mowing his lawn just last week, and he didn't mention anything about going to Beijing. I didn't even know he liked gymnastics. And why does that nameplate in front of him say 'Australia'? Honey, is Phil Australian?" The Weintraubs later realized the incident explains why Truesdell, who they had already known to be a figure skating judge, took vacations every two instead of every four years.
Nation Asks Permission To Stop Watching Olympics Now #~# WASHINGTON—The people of the United States of America issued a formal request Monday, seeking permission to stop watching the 2008 Summer Olympic Games. "We have dutifully watched segments of the XXIX Olympiad for at least two hours a day for nearly two consecutive weeks, including aquatic events, track and field, and even stupid stuff such as synchronized diving, and while we fully and openly admit that we have enjoyed far more than we had initially expected, we must reiterate—it has been two weeks," the appeal drafted by the U.S. populace read in part. "Can we please stop now?" The 300 million U.S. citizens said they would be sitting here watching women's beach volleyball until they receive official word that it's okay to switch to a rerun of Grey's Anatomy.
Family Comes First, Reports Man Trying To Get Out Of Work #~# EDINA, MN—Frank Noller, married father of two and advertising copywriter for Harton & North, extolled the virtues of family and parental responsibility in an attempt to leave the office 45 minutes early Monday. "My [14-year-old] son's got a bad cough," Noller told his boss before leaving, sighing unhappily as if he would have preferred to remain at work and do his job. "Gotta keep your priorities straight." Upon arriving home, Noller informed his wife that he would not be able to attend his daughter's gymnastics recital because he was "swamped with work."
Oh, No! Dirt Bikes! #~# Ah, isn't summer just wonderful? Why, I could lay here all day, surrounded by my little forest friends, and never tire!
Area Woman Will See Any Movie That Takes Place Between 1743 And 1919 #~# JEFFERSON TOWNSHIP, NJ—-Veterinary assistant Lauren Millardi, 27, will watch any period film set within a strict historical time frame of 1743 and 1919, sources reported Monday. "If there's a Gilded Age plantation house or a tilbury horse-drawn carriage in the trailer, you can be sure Lauren will be in the theater opening weekend," said Millardi's boyfriend, Tim Vernacini. "There's just something about the span of years between the War of Austrian Succession and the end of the Spanish influenza epidemic that sweeps her right off her feet." Although he has dutifully viewed more than a dozen films set in the Victorian era in the past year alone, Vernacini said his girlfriend has yet to watch any of his favorite films, with the exception of the 12 minutes of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure that feature Napoleon Bonaparte.
Chinese Doctoring Public Perception During Olympics #~# In the opening ceremony for the 2008 Olympics, the Chinese digitally enhanced a fireworks display and replaced a 7-year-old singing girl with a "cuter" lip-syncher. 
Basketball Rolls To Stop At Cheney's Foot #~# NEW YORK—Mere seconds after a hotly contested rebound during a game between the vice president’s biggest on-court rivals, a mishandled basketball rolled across the blacktop of “the Cage”—New York’s infamously tough West Fourth Street courts—before being brought to a stop by the wing-tipped foot of Dick Cheney. Witnesses at the scene, whose gazes drifted slowly upward from the loose ball to Cheney’s determined face, said they observed the vice president set his unblinking eyes on the assembled players, pause in the sudden silence, and utter the challenge, “Let’s do this.”
Darling, There's Something I've Been Hiding From You—I'm Jimmy Buffett #~# Darling, I know we've been together for over 30 years, and we've always promised that we would never keep any secrets from each other. But I think you should brace yourself, because, well, there is one thing I haven't been completely honest about: I'm Jimmy Buffett.
Granite Countertops May Contain Uranium #~# Many homeowners are having to remove their new countertops because the granite in them has been found to emit hazardous levels of radon. What do you think? 
Powerful 'His And Hers' Towel Lobby Stalls Gay Marriage Legislation #~# WASHINGTON—Gay rights activists protested the defeat of bill S. 743 Monday, saying that the proposed legislation giving homosexuals the right to marry was derailed by the National Association of Semi-personalized Linens Manufacturers (NASLM), a powerful lobby representing the nation's gender-specific bath-towel makers. "The special interests of those producing matching knickknacks for traditional heterosexual couples have been over-represented in this debate for far too long," said GLAAD president Neil Giuliano, citing the influential lobby's contribution of more than $95 million in campaign funds during the last election cycle. "We cannot allow the outdated values of a profiteering minority of towel makers stand in the way of social change." NASLM released a statement in response to Giuliano's criticism that expressed the organization's belief that "marriage is a sacred bond between a his and a hers."
Julia Child A Spy? #~# According to newly released documents, chef Julia Child worked for the Office of Strategic Services, a U.S. spy agency, during World War II. What do you think?
Cop Vows To Hunt Down Punk Who Successfully Pressed Brutality Charges Against His Partner #~# DETROIT—Christopher O'Dell, a 16-year veteran of the Detroit Police Department, told reporters Monday that he will not rest until he exacts revenge on the man who got his long-time partner, Officer Rick Noonan, 38, suspended for using excessive force during an arrest at a peaceful demonstration last March. "That punk is going to get what's coming to him again," O'Dell said. "If it's the last thing I do, I'll make sure that scumbag is taken off the streets, not properly informed of his Miranda rights, chained to a radiator beneath the station, and kept awake for days of interrogation without being formally charged." O'Dell added that the suspect in question is going to wish he had never filed a complaint for sustaining a concussion and broken collarbone after O'Dell is finished breaking his leg and giving him a concussion.
Tim Kaine's Children: Tim Kaine Could Be Vice President Of Lameness, Maybe #~# RICHMOND, VA—Inciting further speculation that Virginia governor Tim Kaine would be named Sen. Barack Obama's running mate, snickering reports from the Kaine household have indicated that the 50-year-old father of three has the experience and leadership qualities necessary to become vice president—assuming the position is vice president of being a total dork. "Oh, sure, yeah, [Kaine] is definitely ready to fill out the ticket by appealing to white blue-collar workers and Latinos," said Tim Kaine expert and daughter Annella Kaine, 13. "Not! He'll probably be like, 'Vote for me and I'll make everyone go to bed early. Derr, derr, derr.'" For now, no official decision has been announced regarding the Democratic ticket, and Kaine's children continue to maintain that nothing short of a high-level cabinet position will convince them to allow their dad to talk to any of their friends.
CDC Powerless To Stop Spread Of Virulent Mayonnaise-Borne Pathogen #~# ATLANTA—Officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Tuesday that despite continued efforts to halt the multistate outbreak of an intensely noxious, mayonnaise-borne virus, they have been unable to combat its deadly progress.
U.S. Driving Less #~# Americans drove 53.2 billion fewer miles in the past nine months than they did in a comparable period a year ago. What do you think? 
Soderbergh In The Park To Stage Production Of 'Ocean's Twelve' #~# NEW YORK—In what has become a summer ritual for thousands of New York City theatergoers, the Independent Soderbergh Company will return to Central Park's Delacorte Theater this month to stage another free production of one of the Great Bergh's famed works.
Shit That'll Make You Puke! #~# DISC
6-Year-Old Stares Down Bottomless Abyss Of Formal Schooling #~# CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Local first-grader Connor Bolduc, 6, experienced the first inkling of a coming lifetime of existential dread Monday upon recognizing his cruel destiny to participate in compulsory education for the better part of the next two decades, sources reported.
First Night Of Freedom Spent Alone In Dorm Room #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA—Unhindered by a curfew and free from parental oversight, freshman Phil Melton, 18, spent his first night of independence Saturday inside his Pennsylvania State University dorm room and was asleep by 11:45 p.m.
Alumni Furious Over High School's Constant Improvements #~# TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Former students of Traverse City High School became utterly incensed Wednesday after learning their alma mater had undergone yet another series of dazzling and expensive improvements that they would never be able to enjoy. "Of course they wait until we leave to install a bunch of frozen yogurt machines!" alumnus Adam Nelson said after speaking on the phone with his younger brother, TCHS sophomore Ryan Nelson, who told him about the new vending devices. "If those ungrateful bastards get the lockers with the locks built right into them, I'll fucking lose it." A number of recent graduates have expressed similar anger over the newly paved track and better air-conditioning units, saying they will protest any further upgrades by continuing not to give the school money.
Mystery Freshman Dominates Ice Breakers, Disappears Into Night #~# VALPARAISO, IN—Following an eerie series of events during their first common room meeting Monday night, freshmen residents of Brandt Hall at Valparaiso University were left baffled by "Spence G.," an enigmatic floor-mate who executed the human knot, two truths and a lie, and invisible ball games with the same otherworldly ease and swiftness with which he later made his exit. "When it was Spence's turn to speak, he had a great anecdote about his most embarrassing moment, followed by an effortless quip that his hometown was 'as quiet as a cemetery,'" said Pasha Chandra, the resident adviser, who was later unable to locate Spence's name on the dorm roster. "It was so spooky. He seemed to have a perfect joke for every rule in the community living contract, but as soon as everyone looked back up after signing them, he was gone." At press time, none of the residents leaving the meeting had noticed a plaque on the door that reads "Spencer Gottleib Memorial Common Room."
Biggest Loser In High School Adjusting To Being Ordinary Loser In College #~# COLUMBIA, SC—University of South Carolina loser freshman Robert Larkin, formerly the anchor of Norrix High School's weekly news broadcast and district-wide record holder for perfect attendance, has faced stiff competition from the campus's nearly 27,000 other students to retain his title as the school's biggest nobody, sources reported Tuesday. From fifth grade onward, Larkin easily held his position as biggest loser by introducing the principal before all school assemblies, but now he must now contend with a variety of former school mascots, French club officers, a cappella vocalists, and college radio deejays. "I'm a nobody in a sea of nobodies," the 18-year-old classics major said. Larkin later added that he will make one more attempt to reclaim biggest loser status by running for student government president.
Creative Writing Teacher Announces Plan To Sit On Edge Of Desk #~# DAVIS, CA—Dressed in a pair of casual jeans to offset his tie, University of California-Davis creative writing professor Glenn Kohn, 30, announced plans today to begin Monday's class by sitting on the edge of his desk, rolling up the sleeves of his shirt, adjusting his tortoiseshell glasses, clapping once, and saying, "All right, young minds." The unorthodox move is slated to occur sometime after he tosses an empty Starbucks cup over his head into a nearby wastebasket, proving to students that his introductory short story workshop is unlike any class they've ever taken. "For finals week, I may consider purchasing a baseball and tossing it up and down while they read aloud," Kohn said. Students of Kohn's are expected to respond to his free-spirited, nonconformist teaching style by blowing off his weekly one-page writing exercises.
Weird Girl You Drunkenly Fooled Around With Waiting Outside Door #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—A mere six hours after you got drunk and made out with her at your eighth-floor party, that weird girl you may have incoherently professed love for is standing outside your dorm room door. According to your new roommate looking out the peephole, the girl—whose name remains unknown—is currently scrawling a message on your dry-erase board and smiling. "Dude, you are so fucked," said your roommate, who proceeded to fill in your somewhat-hazy recollection of what the girl, who may be stalking you, looks like. At press time, it is unclear when she will clear the hallway and allow you to leave for your Psych 201 class.
Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After decades of coddling young children, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new "Nothing But Tears" shampoo this week, an aggressive bath-time product the company says will help to prepare meek and fragile newborns for the real world.
Monster Got Tina #~# OKEECHOBEE SWAMPS, FL—According to sources, the monster got Tina, 18, despite her having been right behind the other remaining survivors just moments ago. Mounting evidence, including Tina's blood-soaked tank top and the sound of crunching bones and tearing flesh coming from the bushes less than 15 feet away, has dashed all hopes of ever recovering the teenager's remains. As of press time, the monster appears to have finally succumbed to its shotgun wounds and—OH GOD! OH DEAR G— 
Iowa Boobs-For-Grades Scandal #~# A University of Iowa professor is accused of fondling students in exchange for higher grades. What do you think? 
Affair To Threaten Whatever It Is John Edwards Does For A Living #~# WASHINGTON—News of his extramarital affair with a former campaign worker could put John Edwards at serious risk of losing the position or appointment he currently holds, or may be planning to hold, or to contend for, if he hasn't lost it already, sources reported Tuesday.
Double-Jointed Man On Date Breaks It Out Too Early #~# COOPERSTOWN, NY—Double-jointed man Stephen Rothkowitz's first date with Lois Hiller, 30, was irrevocably derailed when the 29-year-old process server prematurely demonstrated his ability to bend his thumb all the way back to his wrist, witnesses reported Tuesday. "There seemed to be a lull in their conversation, and then he just started yanking his thumb around," said patron David Cantrall, who was seated adjacent to Rothkowitz's table at the D&R; Steakhouse. "He didn't even preface it with something like, 'Hey, guess what I can do?'" Rothkowitz was reportedly unable to salvage the evening by shooting milk out of his eye.
Old Stars With New Teams #~# As familiar names Brett Favre, Manny Ramirez, and Ken Griffey Jr. settle into unfamiliar teams, Onion Sports looks at the long and checkered history of established stars who tried to reestablish themselves elsewhere:
U.S. Charioteer Breaks 2,500-Year-Old Chariot-Race Record Set By Perseus #~# BEIJING—With just two hundredths of a second to spare, American charioteer Hank Fowler shocked those gathered in the Beijing Hippodrome Wednesday by breaking the four-horse chariot race world record of 5:34.57 set by Perseus in 492 B.C. "I didn't do anything different for this race—I just told myself to go hard right when the Bronze Eagle was raised, make smooth but tight late-apex turns around the embolons, and use the bronze blades on the wheels to kill anyone who got in my way," sad Fowler, adding that it wasn't until the eighth lap of the 12-lap tethrippon that the possibility of breaking Perseus' long-standing mark entered his mind. "When I was heading back west after the final turn around the eastern embolon and I saw people in the Hippodrome rise to their feet, I knew something special was happening." Though Fowler said he didn't expect to set another world record during Friday's two-horse event, ESPN chariot racing expert Hank Goldberg said Fowler has a shot to finish under the 6:23.12 mark set in A.D. 60 by Anglian charioteer Queen Boadicea and matched in 2004 by Germany's Christoph Kolb.
U.S. Cancels Joint Exercises With Russia #~# The United States will "in all likelihood" drop out of annual naval exercises with Russia to express disapproval of the country's war with Georgia. What do you think? 
Olympic Closing Ceremonies To Feature Launch Of Chinese Nuclear Arsenal, Invasion Of United States #~# BEIJING—Responding to controversy regarding lip-syncing singers and "simulated" fireworks during the Olympic opening ceremonies, Chinese Olympic officials announced Tuesday that the closing ceremonies would feature a full-scale nuclear ICBM launch followed almost immediately by 2 million amphibious troops marching into California. 
U.S. Men's Gymnastics Team: 'Win Or Lose, We Will Cry' #~# BEIJING—After settling for bronze in the Team Artistic Gymnastic event Tuesday, the U.S. men's team promised reporters that, for the remainder of the Olympics, they would weep wholeheartedly before events, mist up despite themselves while performing flairs, and sob uncontrollably in either victory or frustration following every routine. "Whether we are shedding lonely but triumphant tears because no one believed in us, or exultant tears of joy and disbelief because our teammate stuck the perfect landing following a triple back-somersault, I guarantee that together, we will shed tears at all times," said gymnast Jonathan Horton. "We will hold our quivering chins high even if the handles on the pommel horse become slick with sweat. Or tears." Team members Paul and Morgan Hamm, who were unable to attend the Olympics due to injuries, were reportedly crying in sympathy after learning the team had won a medal without them.
Green-Clad Olympic Archer Steals Gold Medals From Rich, Gives Them To Poor #~# BEIJING—Chinese Olympic officials say they are no closer to catching the swashbuckling, green-uniformed archery competitor who has disrupted every single medal ceremony of the Games by bursting in, stealing the gold medal or medals in the name of the poor in an archery-related fashion, striking a triumphant pose, and then disappearing without a trace.
Manny Ramirez Likes Red Sox's New Blue Uniforms #~# LOS ANGELES—Dodgers left-fielder Manny Ramirez, sent to Los Angeles in a three-team trade two weeks ago, said Monday that he "really likes" the Red Sox's new blue-and-white uniforms. "I like it more than the red," Ramirez told reporters following the Dodgers' 8-6 win over the Phillies Monday. "I'm also happy that they shortened the Green Monster, and painted it blue, because that wall was too tall before. And I'm really enjoying the easy schedule we've been playing lately." Although Ramirez admitted he didn't appreciate having "that vampire from the Yankees" [Joe Torre] hanging out in the dugout all the time, he did say that he "completely approves of David Ortiz's new mustache" while gesturing towards Dodgers second baseman Jeff Kent.
Hurdler Overcomes Many Hurdles To Win Hurdle Race #~# BEIJING—Despite encountering a multitude of 36-inch-high wooden barriers along the way, U.S. hurdler David Oliver overcame every single hurdle in his path on his way to winning Olympic gold in the 400m hurdle semifinals. "As I looked up and saw that first hurdle, I somehow knew it was only the first of many," the emotional and exhausted Oliver said after clearing no less than 10 hurdles during the course of the event. "But when things got really bad around that ninth hurdle, I just dug deep, remembered what I learned from my coach about overcoming life's regulation-sized obstacles, and I jumped over it. Then, merely a few seconds later, I jumped over the 10th hurdle." Oliver went on to profess hope that he could one day "leap right over" his alcoholism, his impending divorce, and his emotionally crippling, nightmarish childhood.
Violence Must Only Be Used To Make Hundreds Of Millions Of Dollars #~# Whenever I'm paid $200,000 to demonstrate my martial arts abilities and give a short speech to a gathering of young people, I always speak about the same thing: the epidemic of violence we see in our society today. Why do so many kids think using their fists is the answer to all of life's problems? Where do they get these ideas? That's why I'm using my status as the world's most famous martial arts movie star to teach children an important lesson.
Obama's Hillbilly Half-Brother Threatening To Derail Campaign #~# BOONEVILLE, KY—Barack Obama's once-commanding lead in the polls slipped to two points Monday, continuing a month-long slide that many credit to the recent appearance of the Democratic candidate's heretofore unknown half-brother, Cooter Obama.
The Evidence Against Ivins #~# The suicide of bioweapons researcher Dr. Bruce Ivins derailed the investigation into his alleged involvement in the 2001 anthrax attacks. The FBI, convinced that he was the guilty party, has unsealed the following evidence:
New Weather Channel Sitcom About Three Guys, Three Girls, One Storm System #~# ATLANTA—Marking the network's first foray into episodic comedy, executives at the Weather Channel announced Monday that they are wrapping up production on a new series titled Batten The Hatches!, a sitcom about six professional twentysomethings and an unpredictable low pressure system named Arthur. "Get ready to laugh out loud when that incorrigible old Arthur soaks his buddy Dave right before his big date," Weather Channel program director Michael Reardon said. "Just ask [the program's other characters] Rick, Tim, Dave, Dawn, Janie, and Lois: When you're best friends with a 125-mile-wide extratropical cyclone, anything can happen." Batten The Hatches! is expected to greatly outperform C-Span's first original show, Out Of Session, a single-camera dramedy that follows the procedural mediation between the 535 members of Congress and their sexy roommate, Pamela Anderson.
People With That Brain-Eating Virus Should Really Just Take A Sick Day #~# I know we live in a career-oriented society, but if you ask me, people's priorities in the workplace are all out of whack. Sure, everyone wants to shine, to be that "go-to" gal or guy, but sometimes it goes too far. In my opinion, when you come down with something, be it the common cold, the flu, or that brain-eating virus that's been going around, you should just take a sick day. It's a simple matter of courtesy to those around you.
McCain Cribs Speech From Wikipedia #~# A Wikipedia editor claims that John McCain's speech about the Russian-Georgian hostilities was largely lifted from the website's entry on Georgia. What do you think? 
Underprotective Father Demands Daughter Arrive Home By 10 A.M. #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Local resident Nathan Corbin, 37, has set a strict 10 a.m. curfew for his 16-year-old daughter Kathy, the underbearing father told reporters Tuesday. "Rules are rules—she has to be through the door or at least passed out on the lawn by no later than 10 in the morning on school days," said Corbin, adding that Kathy is no longer allowed to have more than three boys in her room at one time. "I've also warned her on several occasions to keep it down when she comes home because her [14-year-old] brother [Kevin] has usually smoked quite a bit of pot by that time and is asleep on the couch." Corbin admitted to recent laxness in enforcing his "no stealing more than $35 a week from your stepmother" policy, but defended indulging his daughter, citing the increased cost of cigarettes.
Apple Pulls $1,000 iPhone App #~# An application called "I Am Rich," which displays a ruby on iPhone screens, was pulled from the phone's application store without notice. What do you think? 
Kosher Plant Cited For Child Labor #~# Investigators uncovered 57 child labor violations at a kosher meatpacking facility in Iowa. What do you think? 
Greyhound Launches New In-Bus Magazine #~# DALLAS—Greyhound Lines announced Monday that the premiere issue of Turnpike, the transportation giant's new in-bus entertainment magazine, is now available free of charge on each of its 13,000 daily departures. "Greyhound passengers need only reach under the seats in front of them to learn about the myriad attractions offered by our nation's highway rest stops and bridge underpasses," Greyhound spokesperson Jane Lindley said of the new publication, which features a cover profile on Faith Ford of Murphy Brown fame." Turnpike will also provide useful and engaging information for frequent riders, including reviews of Roy Rogers restaurants nationwide and a monthly humor column penned by our own CEO David Leach, titled 'Running On Fumes.'" Lindley also announced the upcoming October launch of Groundmall, an in-bus consumer catalog that will allow passengers to prepurchase selected sundries, mirrored sunglasses, and barbecue-flavored sunflower seeds and pick up their items when the bus stops at an en-route Stop N' Go.
Entire Refrigerator Rearranged To Accommodate Leftover KFC Bucket #~# PIERRE, SD—After several unsuccessful attempts to insert a KFC bucket into his cluttered refrigerator Thursday, local man Jeremy Browning, 32, was forced to rearrange every item in the 24.5-cubic-foot cooling appliance to make the chicken container fit.
Man Realizes Fly Has Been Down For Entire Life #~# CHICAGO—Moments after retiring to a small suburban home, raising three sons, and enjoying a distinguished career as a trial lawyer, local resident Fred Havemeyer was mortified to learn that the zipper of his pants had been down for the past 56 years of his life, sources reported today.
My Dad, The Cactus #~# ABC Family
Report: 93% Of Drunk Drivers Get Home Just Fine #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the National Institutes of Health, 93 percent of those who get behind the wheel while intoxicated arrive at their homes safe and sound, just like they told everybody they would. "Most of these people are barely even buzzed, and 87 percent of the time they're driving primarily on back roads for distances of like, eight miles, tops," said the study's lead author, Dr. Henry Tillman, adding that the vast majority of inebriated drivers stuck with only beer all night, so they were totally fine. "Roughly 64 percent of drunk drivers have cousins who are cops anyway, so it's really no big deal." The study concluded that a mere one in 15 drunk drivers end up dying in a cascading torrent of fire, so, you know, odds.
Soundgarden Inadvertently Reunites At Area Cinnabon #~# SEATTLE—Members of the popular 1990s grunge band Soundgarden shocked critics and fans alike Tuesday, appearing together publicly for the first time in more than a decade after accidentally running into one another at the Northgate Mall Cinnabon.
Straight Talk Express Hits Van #~# John McCain's campaign bus collided with a van on Wednesday. What do you think? 
Ridicule It Yourself #~# VH1
Dinner Theater Play Reworked To Push Chicken Special #~# AKRON, OH—The Footlight Dinner Theater's weekend production of Death Of A Salesman featured partially rewritten dialogue apparently intended to highlight the restaurant's $11.99 chicken dinner special, sources reported Wednesday. "He's liked, but he's not well liked. Unlike that delicious rosemary chicken with fresh green peas and mashed potatoes, which everyone loves," the actor portraying Biff Loman said as part of the revised play. The last time the Footlight altered a legendary theatrical work to advertise a food item was in October 2006, when manager Harold Childress rewrote the lyrics to a song from the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical Carousel and changed its title to "What's The Use Of Wond'rin'? (Just Get The Lasagna)." 
Man Gets In Best Shape Of Life To Hang From Bar #~# BEIJING—Over the course of two years, gymnast Fabian Hambuchen has sculpted his body into peak physical condition, reportedly training three times per day, running up to 70 miles per week, and going to the gym as early as 6 a.m. in order to hang from a horizontal bar for various 30-second intervals over the next two weeks. "This is the best I've ever been," said Hambuchen, whose superior cardiovascular system and 2.2 percent body fat are sufficient to allow him to climb Mount Everest, but who will instead hang from, swing from, and jump down from a nine-foot-high bar. "I've trained my whole life for this moment." Hambuchen is currently ranked 14th in the world at hanging from a bar. 
Citing Poor Conditions, China Refuses To Send Delegation To Olympics #~# BEIJING—In an 11th-hour move that shocked the international athletic and political communities alike, the Chinese Olympic Team announced Wednesday that it will not be attending the XXIX Olympiad in Beijing due to "shocking, shameful, and ultimately dangerous environmental conditions" in the host city.
Greatest-Ever Olympic Moments #~# With the opening of the XXIX Summer Olympiad in Beijing, Onion Sports looks back on moments from the past that passed forever into legend:
Nation To Leave Olympics On In Background #~# NEW YORK—The American people announced plans Monday to put on the Olympics, turn the volume down to a barely audible level, and leave the broadcast on in the background as they attend to washing dishes, sorting recycling, paying bills, preparing and eating meals, napping, and other quotidian activities in various areas of the house. "I'll support our athletes just as long as their events don't interrupt the flow of my daily life," said Allentown, PA resident Joann Kirkland, who recently declined a plastic Olympic cup from her local McDonald's. "I do intend to stand in front of the television for a few minutes on my way to the computer when the diving competition comes on, clicking my tongue and saying 'too bad' when the U.S. competitor fails to win the gold." Many Americans also stated that, if their televisions had a picture-in-picture feature, the Olympics would be the perfect thing to put in the smaller window.
Drunken Carl Lewis Crashes Olympics #~# BEIJING—Former American track-and-field star and nine-time Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis, 47, showed up uninvited to the 2008 Olympic Games Thursday, reeking of booze and shouting in slurred, belligerent tones that everybody "had better watch out" because "Mr. Olympics is here, and this shit's about to get crazy." "Hey everybody, your old buddy Carl's back and he's ready to knock some—hey, where's the…gimme the long jump. Long jump motherfuckers! I can jump longer than, than any of you, you goddamn punks, see these gold medals here? I got…fuckin'…fifty million gold medals right here," Lewis was overheard as saying while gesturing to his crotch. "I made the Olympics. I am the motherfucking, the Olympics. Get out of my way, college boys, let Carl goddamn Lewis show you how it's done." Lewis proceeded to light a cigarette on the Olympic torch, sprint toward the long-jump runway, trip over the platform, and fall face-first into the sand pit, where he lay motionless for two hours, his sobs eventually subsiding to a gentle snoring.
Woman Turns Down $50 Million Offer From Professional Steeplechase League To Participate In Olympics #~# BEIJING—In a rare show of selflessness not often seen in sports, Norwegian Olympic steeplechase competitor Kristine Engeset told reporters Monday that she has turned down the four-year, $50 million offer from the New York WaterJumps—the National Woman's Steeplechase League's most elite team—in order to retain her amateur status and participate in the Beijing Olympics. "Yes, the NWSL offers national exposure, you get to travel to over 30 different cities in the United States and Canada, and you make the big money, but for me, the chance to represent your country is the ultimate privilege," said Engeset after a midday workout consisting of two hours of barrier jumping. "I told myself, the money for good steeplechasers will always be there, but the Olympics is the Olympics." According to NWSL's commissioner David Sizemore, Engeset may have another chance to participate in the Games if she turns pro in America, as there is strong national interest in sending a dream team of professional steeplechasers to London in 2012.
DVDs Of Olympics Somehow Available On Sidewalk Already #~# BEIJING—Several hours before the opening ceremony Thursday, ambitious Chinese street vendors obtained bootleg copies of the complete 2008 Beijing Olympics coverage, pressed DVD copies of the footage, and sold DVDs for five to seven dollars apiece from blankets spread out on the sidewalk. "I was really surprised that I was able to get a hold of this so early, especially with all the reports that the Chinese were going to prevent the results from being leaked," said San Francisco resident Todd Saunders. "The footage was pretty grainy and you could tell they just shot it off of a screen with a camcorder, but for the price I thought it was worth it." Although Saunders said he was surprised to find himself tearing up while watching the closing ceremony, he admitted that the performance dedicated to the athletes tragically lost to Turkish terrorism on days three through five was quite touching.
Wal-Mart Wants Republican President #~# Wal-Mart managers have reportedly been told by higher-ups that a Democratic president would lead to unions, less jobs, and less profits for their stores. What do you think? 
Mortgage Relief Bill Provisions #~# President Bush signed a housing bill into law last week that is designed to assist borrowers facing foreclosure on their homes. What are some of the provisions of the bill?
I'm Sure That Out-Of-Control Water-Skier Will Avoid Our Outdoor Wedding #~# What a glorious day for an outdoor wedding. The guests have arrived on time, and all are dressed in their summer finest. So many people gathered here, in front of this beautiful, pristine lake, to celebrate the love of myself and my husband-to-be, Walter Priss. There's not a cloud in the sky. Everything is perfect.
Local Idiot To Post Comment On Internet #~# HAZEL PARK, MI—In a statement made to reporters earlier this afternoon, local idiot Brandon Mylenek, 26, announced that at approximately 2:30 a.m. tonight, he plans to post an idiotic comment beneath a video on an Internet website.
Bush To Olympians: 'Bring Back Lots Of Valuable Gold' #~# WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush delivered an encouraging motivational message to Beijing-bound Olympians Monday, urging them to "compete swifter, higher, and stronger in their pursuit of gold" so that they may achieve not just the glory of victory but the hard cash value of the much-needed commodity. "Truly, victory and pride are beyond price, but gold is currently going for $916.78 a troy ounce," Bush said in the Rose Garden speech, delivered just hours after he was unable to secure an agreement with the Chinese ambassador to forge the Olympic medals out of debt-relief certificates. "In striving, you uplift the hearts of all Americans, but in victory alone will you actually get something that can help us out of the current economic slump. I mean, silver is barely over 17 bucks. Might as well drop out at that rate." Bush later held a closed-door Oval Office meeting with swimmer Michael Phelps, whose possible eight gold medals could potentially help the Olympic team break even on travel costs.
Everybody On Television Needs To Stop Talking So Loud #~# I'm going to get right to the point, because hemming and hawing and being polite has gotten me nowhere. The people on television need to stop shouting at the tops of their lungs and start talking at a much lower volume. It's that simple. I've asked them to quiet down over and over for the past 15 years, but they don't listen to me. They probably can't even hear me over all their yelling.
Kathy Griffin Rejects 'Dancing' #~# Comedienne Kathy Griffin reportedly said she would not appear on Dancing With The Stars. What do you think? 
Bags Filled With Sand Still Most Advanced U.S. Anti-Flood Technology #~# WASHINGTON—Filling a large number of bags with sand and then placing them side by side next to a body of water remains the nation's most sophisticated method for flood prevention, a two-month FEMA study concluded Tuesday. According to FEMA's findings, floods—natural disasters that have occurred since the beginning of time yet still destroy hundreds of American homes each year—are most often combated by scooping clumps of sand into burlap sacks and binding them with pieces of twine. "Perhaps bigger bags are the answer," FEMA head R. David Paulison said. The second-most effective U.S. anti-flood technology remains getting in the car and driving to an area that is not currently being flooded.
Hilton's Mom Calls McCain Ad 'A Waste Of Money' #~# John McCain donor Kathy Hilton called the candidate's attack ad comparing Barack Obama to Hilton's daughter Paris "frivolous." What do you think? 
Nation To Try Its Luck Out West #~# THE FRONTIER—After having bravely endured rising fuel costs, unemployment, and a massive drought in consumer confidence, all 300 million Americans announced Monday that they will soon begin the long journey westward, abandoning their stakes in the crumbling housing market to seek the golden future that surely lies past the horizon.
List Of Things Man Wants To Do Before He Dies Just List Of TV Shows #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—When Jack Mannahan's elderly father passed away this spring, the 53-year-old decided to draw up a list of things that he had to do before he could die a happy man. The document, which was recently leaked to the press, turned out to be nothing more than a listing of popular television shows. "There's so much I have yet to experience, like finally catching up on the last couple years of 24," Mannahan said. "My life won't feel complete if I never see what Veronica Mars is all about. And I need to finish about a half-dozen seasons of The Simpsons. Also, I'm ashamed to say it, but I've never even seen an episode of that House show that's gotten such rave reviews." Mannahan added that the loss of his father has given him a new perspective on the importance of family, motivating him to finally crack the plastic on the Battlestar Galactica DVDs his son bought him last Christmas.
Giuliani's Son Suing Duke Over Golf #~# Andrew Giuliani is suing Duke University after being recruited for, then removed from, the Duke University golf team. What do you think? 
Upcoming Date Only Thing Between Area Man, Utter Self-Neglect #~# MORGANTON, NC—If not for the faint glimmer of hope offered by a dinner date Thursday, sources confirmed that unemployed 24-year-old Justin Glick would have absolutely nothing to prevent him from sinking fully into the profound abyss of disrepair that is his daily life.
Miss An Episode And You're Fucked #~# HBO
Phantom Diner Appears Only To Those In Their Drunkest Hour #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Reported sightings of Rochester's legendary "phantom diner," a mysterious restaurant that purportedly appears only to those in the most inebriated state of their lives, are often met with skepticism and incredulity. But for Leo Kline, 24, who claims he visited the diner this past weekend, the apparitional eatery is all too real.
Price Of Gas Rises To Four Expletives Per Gallon #~# HOUSTON—Gasoline prices rose to a record-high four expletives per gallon Monday, a rate of fuel-price-related cursing not seen since the 1979 energy crisis sparked a nationwide obscenity boom. “Two years ago it seemed impossible that a gallon of gasoline would go as high as goddamn-shit-ass-balls,” said commodities trader Philip Roan, adding that refined petroleum is up nearly 100 percent from cock-fuck last March. “Considering the unrest in the Middle East and growing global energy demands, fuel prices may well reach dick-ass-Christ-fuck-hell in as little as six months.” The unprecedented jump in swearing rates has reportedly prompted an increase in the number of Americans riding motherfucking bicycles. 
L.A. Bans Fast Food #~# The Los Angeles City Council passed a one-year moratorium on new fast-food establishments opening in South Los Angeles where 30 percent of the children are obese. What do you think? 
Hurricane Katrina Returns To New Orleans To Apologize #~# NEW ORLEANS—After a three-year absence spent wallowing in guilt for killing several hundred Louisiana residents and leaving the city in shambles, Hurricane Katrina returned to New Orleans Tuesday to beg the Crescent City for forgiveness, destroying everything in its path and killing hundreds.
Historical Archives: Ben Franklin Inventions This Week #~# The Death-Kite.
John Kerry Actually Pretty Good At Windsurfing Now #~# BOSTON—Four years after being blasted as an elitist for his Ivy League education, wealthy background, and hobby of windsurfing, sources say that John Kerry has in fact become quite proficient at the water-based leisure sport.
Stock Market Posts Record Point Loss #~# After the defeat of the bailout bill, the Dow Jones plunged a record 777 points. What do you think? 
Debate Aftermath. Who Won? #~# That was some debate we had last week. I know Dac was really looking forward to it and was bummed when it looked like McCain might not show. The blogosphere has been abuzz about it, and the verdict is in!
Palin Brushing Up On Foreign Policy At Epcot #~# ORLANDO, FL—Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin sought to silence those who have criticized her lack of foreign affairs experience Tuesday by announcing plans for a weeklong, 10-nation tour of Walt Disney World's Epcot. According to Palin, the trip—her first past Frontierland—will include speaking engagements at Norway's famous Viking ride, sausages at Germany's Kaufhaus, and, time permitting, a fact-finding mission to Future World. "This ambitious trip should finally demonstrate that I am ready to assume the vice presidency, whether by standing in long lines at Morocco's Tangierine Café or by sitting down face-to-face with Mexico's Three Caballeros," Palin announced during a campaign stop outside a Chinese restaurant in Tulsa, OK. "All of our neighbors deserve good diplomacy, from the Universe of Energy down to the French pavilion." Palin also promised a visit to the American Adventure exhibit before returning home, adding that she hoped to learn more about her own nation and the diverse peoples within.
U.S., Pakistan Exchange Fire #~# Troops from the United States exchanged gunfire with our ally Pakistan on the Afghan-Pakistani border. What do you think? 
Members Of Twisted Sister Now Willing To Take It #~# NEW YORK—In a stunning reversal of their long-stated reluctance to take it, members of heavy-metal band Twisted Sister announced Monday that, after 24 years of fervent refusal, they are now willing to take it. "I acknowledge that we promised not to take it anymore, but things change. The world is a different place today, and with that in mind, we would like to go on record as saying that, starting right now, we are going to take it," read a statement released by the band's lead singer, Dee Snider. "To clarify, we would still prefer not to take it, but as of now, taking it is an option that we would be open to. That is all." Bassist Mark "the Animal" Mendoza also stated that, in regards to what he wants to do with his life, he no longer solely wants to rock, but would instead prefer doing other things, such as raising a family and working as a claims adjuster in Rye, NY.
Report: 60 Million People You'd Never Talk To Voting For Other Guy #~# BOSTON—According to an eye-opening report released Tuesday, 60 million people whom you would never talk to, would never be in a position to talk to, and wouldn't even be able to talk to if you tried will be voting for the other candidate in this year's presidential election, and there is nothing you can do about it.
Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence #~# SOMERSET, NJ—In what local authorities are calling a "near tragedy," Charles Wentworth, a 17-year-old Rutgers Preparatory senior and member of the affluent Wentworth family, came perilously close to suffering a consequence resulting from his own wrongdoing Saturday.
Life Begins When I Damn Well Say It Does #~# If I have to hear Barack Obama dodge one more question about abortion, I swear I'm going to strangle myself with this umbilical cord. I don't know how many times I have to tell you people: Life begins at conception, every life is sacred, and if you don't like it, you can suck my big, fat unborn dick. 
Tiny Silver Death Machine: Election Coverage 2008 Part Two #~# Noted author Don DeLillo blogged for The Onion from the Conventions
Internet Explorer Makes Desperate Overture To Become Default Browser #~# NASHVILLE, TN—After months of futile entreaties to upgrade to its latest version, web browser Internet Explorer made a last-ditch proposal to become local man Jeremy Drewing's primary Internet application Monday. "Internet Explorer is not currently your default browser. Would you like to make it your default browser?" the software program asked in an attempt to guilt Drewing into accepting its offer out of pure pity. Sources say Explorer went so far as to highlight the "Yes" button in the pop-up window in the hopes of baiting him into pressing it, and even emitted a sad little "beep" in a pathetic bid for attention. Drewing opted to keep Firefox as his default browser, thus relegating Internet Explorer back to its primary functions: looking up pornography and Googling ex-girlfriends.
Tiny Silver Death Machine: Election Coverage 2008 #~# Noted author Don DeLillo blogged for The Onion from the Conventions
Bands Don't Ever All Get The Same Haircut Anymore #~# There's nothing quite like a rock concert. I remember how exciting it was to sit in a packed stadium, watching four or five young men with indistinguishable haircuts run toward the stage and grab their instruments. And then, then they'd start playing—and boy I'll tell you, that's when those haircuts would really start moving. Swaying to and fro at equal lengths above their shoulders, shimmering in the same tones of brown, black, or blonde. That, my friends, was true rock and roll.
Department Of The Exterior Opens U.S. National Park In Norway #~# WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of the Exterior announced Monday the grand opening of a new national park that covers nearly 150,000 square miles across the western portion of the Scandinavian Peninsula, making it the largest American park in northern Europe.
New Moore Doc Released On Internet #~# Slacker Uprising, filmmaker Michael Moore's new documentary about his 2004 tour, was released for free on the Internet on Tuesday. What do you think? 
The Debates!! I Want To See Them So Bad!! #~# I can't believe Friday's big Presidential Debates might be postponed because John McCain doesn't want to do them! Actually I can believe it. John McCain, who I used to know back in the day, is what you might call a pussy—at least when it comes to being incessantly tortured by the Vietcong, ie, me!
New Debate Rules Allow For One 15-Second Strangulation #~# OXFORD, MS—Amid discussions of possibly postponing the debate altogether, Sens. Barack Obama (D-IL) and John McCain (R-AZ) were able to agree Thursday on a new guideline that would allow each candidate one 15-second strangulation during Friday night's presidential debate. "Both candidates will receive two minutes to answer each question, five minutes for discussion, and a one-time-only option to walk over to their opponent's podium and cut off his oxygen supply for up to 15 seconds," a statement from the Commission on Presidential Debates read in part, also specifying that debate moderator Jim Lehrer can exercise his own discretion in determining whether or not the strangulations go over time. "After being choked, the candidate, if still standing, may counter with one of his two allotted empty beer bottles to the head." Because many have agreed the new rule will benefit McCain, the commission has also allotted Obama an optional double-thumbed eye gouge.
Bailout Summit! #~# Oh my God! McCain, Obama and Bush all in the same room talking about the bailout! Why did no one tell me this was going to happen? I would've driven the Davidson's catering truck through the night to Washington! They would have loved my roast beef sandwich on kaiser roll with au jus dip! I would have called it "the Bailout Special!" Seriously, why the fuck didn't anyone tell me this was going on!?
A Call For Change #~# Why do our elections always have to be like this in America? I am so sick of the media being run by a bunch of boys. I don't know what their problem is with WOMEN who run for executive office, but they're such assholes! All Sarah Palin ever wanted to do was become the second most powerful person in the world without having sweaty pictures of her on her campaign posters and her boyfriend messing around with other girls or whatever, but noooo, not in this country.
I'll Have A Big Slice Of Humble Pie, Please! #~# Oops. I got a little carried away there. Don't know how to remove posts or else I would. I'm sorry. It's just that I get so emotional about politics. What this election is really about is getting this country back on track. And both John McCain and Barack Obama understand that they need Iowa to win the White House and implement their respective visions for change. I know McCain's got a plan to cut the pay of CEOs from those bailed-out investment firms, for instance. Cutting those bloated salaries and fighting corporate greed is really the sort of thing that appeals to the hardworking people of Cedar Rapids!
Sarah Palin Is Electric! #~# Boy, Sarah Palin has really energized the campaign of the senator John McCain hasn't she? There's this electricity about him that I haven't seen in decades, maybe even not since the last time I clamped jumper cables to his scrotum and ran 5,000 volts through his scrawny American balls. 
I Know Exactly How Sarah Palin Feels #~# It seems like there is a new scandal all the time about Sarah Palin. One time I saw she was firing her ex-brother-in-law from the Alaska state police, then I heard she was banning books at her town's library, and then there was that thing about charging her state travel expenses for nights she spent at home, and then her e-mail and whatever.
Obama & McCain Have A "Tip-Top" Time In Cedar Rapids #~# After Bush's proposal for the $700 billion financial bailout, our two candidates have been weighing in on the future of our economy. And because Iowa is once again an important swing state, both candidates have recently been through Cedar Rapids, stopping in at local businesses to try and get the perspective of common citizens on America's financial crisis.
Introducing The Onion's Political Blog Team #~# Hi, I'm Oliver Thayer, Web and Politics Editor for the Onion!
Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's Election 'Blog' #~# It has been brought to my attention that, during the course of this year's uniquely American shadow-puppet interpretation of the democratic process, the Onion will be taking the sickeningly egalitarian step of allowing common citizens—some as unlikely as a foetus, a woman, and a writer—to publish their experiences and impressions under our goddamned masthead. It irks me to the centre of my being, but do not be concerned or inspired by this unusually democratic move on our part! 
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? #~# ABC
Nation Secretly Hoping 9/11 Becomes A Day Off Soon #~# WASHINGTON—After spending another anniversary of the 2001 terrorist attacks at work, many across the country have begun to secretly hope that the date will soon become a federally mandated day off. "We'll have it off in 25 years anyway, so why not just start now?" said a Des Moines–area citizen who wished to remain anonymous. "The people who tragically lost their lives on 9/11 deserve a day of remembrance. Also, I could really use some extra time to clean out my gutters." A small minority of Americans continue to hold out hope that the anniversary of the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole, in which 17 American sailors died, will someday result in a national half-day off.
Packers Offensive Line Proves It Can Stop The Run #~# GREEN BAY, WI—The Green Bay Packers offensive line, which has been criticized this season for its combination of youth and lack of experience playing as a unit, is confident it made great strides despite Sunday night's home loss to the Cowboys, who held the Packer running backs to a mere 84 yards.
Struggling Mets Combine To Form Carlos Voltron #~# NEW YORK—Facing the Cubs in the midst of a three-game losing streak, the desperate Mets sprinted out to the field Tuesday, launched themselves high into the air above Shea Stadium, and combined their bodies to form a 400-foot tall fielding robot called Carlos Voltron.
Nationals Not Sure How They Got Run #~# WASHINGTON—During a postgame press conference Saturday in which he registered disappointment at being shut out for the 22nd time this season, Nationals manager Manny Acta became visibly confused after being told by reporters that his team had actually scored a run during its 6-1 loss to the San Diego Padres. "If we scored like you say we did, there's no way we got it by hitting the baseball and advancing the runners, because I would have remembered something like that," a skeptical Acta said. "What I do recall is a lot of weak ground balls back to the pitcher, botched sacrifice bunts, and double plays to end innings. Maybe we walked or people got hit by pitches four consecutive times?" When informed that first baseman Aaron Boone hit a two-out RBI in the 8th inning to score Emilio Bonifacio, Acta responded, "Yeah, right."
Fan Steals Derek Jeter From Yankee Stadium #~# NEW YORK—Lifelong Yankees fan Martin Stenowitz, 52, became one of many who took home a piece of Yankee Stadium property Sunday night when he stole All-Star shortstop Derek Jeter off the field after the game. "I wanted my own little piece of Yankee Stadium history, so when I saw Derek Jeter just standing there, I thought, what the heck," said Stenowitz, who carefully folded the game-used Yankee shortstop into his backpack and exited the stadium before security personnel or New York City police could apprehend him. Stenowitz now proudly displays Jeter on the mantel of his New Rochelle, NY home, next to the program from the final game and Bernie Williams' head. The Yankee organization is demanding that Derek Jeter be immediately returned to the team in his original condition, as the Yankees were planning to sell him for $400.
Lesser-Known Yankee Stadium Moments #~# In its 85 years, Yankee Stadium saw more than its share of history made, but there was more to the Cathedral of Baseball than championships and record-setting: 
Lions Owner Claims He Fired Matt Millen Three Years Ago #~# DETROIT—Lions owner William Clay Ford, Sr. expressed consternation and anger Monday upon realizing that Matt Millen had been acting as president and general manager of the team for the past three years. "I could have sworn I'd fired that lunkhead back in '05 and promoted Mariucci," Ford said when reporters questioned him about Millen leaving the team. "I guess that's why I kept seeing him in the halls. My God, how's the team been doing?" Ford excused himself without further comment on the issue, saying he had to call star running back Barry Sanders and assure him his job with the team was safe regardless of front-office issues.
Mets To Play Brewers In One-Game Choke-Off #~# MILWAUKEE—With both teams collapsing neck and neck, Major League Baseball announced Tuesday that the Mets and Brewers will play a one-game choke-off to determine which team will spiral into playoff elimination. "The 2008 Brewers have proven that they can choke with the best of them, but the Mets have the choking experience," Baseball Tonight analyst John Kruk said. "It really all depends on which team decides to step up and wilt under pressure. Either way, this one should be truly painful to watch." Experts are predicting that the Mets and Brewers will both somehow find a way to lose.
Palin Meets First Foreign Leaders #~# Vice presidential candidate Gov. Sarah Palin met with a series of world leaders as a sort of crash course on foreign policy. What do you think? 
Point/Counterpoint: Gov. Palin Has No Experience vs. Please Keep Your Voice Down, My Poor Retarded Child Is Sleeping #~# There may be no better word to describe John McCain's vice presidential pick than "ridiculous."
Local Extension Cord Blasted For Failing To Reach Outlet #~# STILSON, GA—A local extension cord came under fire Monday when the four-foot length of electrical wiring failed to stretch from the end of area man Dwight Seidl's television cord to a nearby wall outlet. "The sole function I required of this incompetent [extension cord] was to provide a connection between my TV power adaptor and the AC current in that outlet. Sadly, it was completely unable to perform even this simple task," Seidl, who purchased the orange Black & Decker multi-socket extension cord that afternoon, told members of the media during a heated press conference. "I stand by my earlier claims that the cord is a son of a bitch bastard piece of shit." The extension cord's misstep has reportedly taken some heat off a much-maligned one-inch piece of Scotch tape, which Seidl has twice blasted for failing to hold up his wall calendar.
'Boring,' Hillary Clinton Shouts From Senate Seat #~# WASHINGTON— In a blatant show of disgust and indifference toward her senatorial duties, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) repeatedly yelled "boring" from her seat Wednesday, interrupting New Mexico senator Jeff Bingaman's speech in support of S. 3125, a bill that would extend certain expiring provisions of the Internal Tax Revenue Code of 1986.
Kissinger Instructs Palin On Finer Points Of Clandestine Carpet Bombing #~# WASHINGTON—In preparation for her debate with Sen. Joe Biden next week, Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin met with seasoned statesman and Nobel Peace Prize–winner Henry Kissinger yesterday to take advantage of his extensive foreign policy knowledge and expertise in carpet-bombing innocent civilians in nations with which the U.S. is not officially at war.
Equal Opportunity Supporters Paid Less #~# A new study shows that men who adhere to a traditional mind-set about gender roles are paid more than men who are more egalitarian. What do you think? 
Another Disgusting Operation Proves John McCain Is Healthy #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—In an act designed to completely reassure voters about his health, presidential candidate John McCain checked himself into the Mayo Clinic yesterday, where he successfully completed another unbearably bloody, invasive, and most foul operation. "Sen. McCain's enterocutaneous fistula was treated swiftly and without incident, " said Dr. Michael Yardley, standing before the press covered in the 72-year-old's blood and fecal matter. "After we breached the abdominal wall to take numerous tissue samples from his small intestine, it was clear the senator was in perfect health for his age. A few more simple blood and mucus tests too horrifying to discuss here and the senator will be fit as a fiddle."  Next month, doctors at the Cleveland Clinic will manually disimpact stool from McCain's fetid rectum in what is expected to be a painless procedure for the spry and virile Arizona senator.
Audio Guide Clearly Hates Degas #~# LOS ANGELES—According to museumgoers at Los Angeles' Getty Center, an automated audio guide for the 19th-century Impressionism art gallery obviously despises French painter Edgar Degas. "The narrator wouldn't stop gushing about Monet's work with water or Pissarro's 'Landscape In The Vicinity Of Louveciennes,' but when we got to Degas, she called him a 'master of the female form, if you like staring at a bunch of ballerinas and women sitting in bathtubs,'" said Natalie LaTouche, 32. "And even though she did say that Degas was brilliant at depicting the subtlety of human bodies in motion, she said it really sarcastically." Others added that when they got to Degas' self-portrait, the audio guide made no mention of the visible brushstrokes or the use of dark and light, instead saying only, "Interesting fact, he really was that ugly." 
Obama Staff Pulled From North Dakota #~# The Obama campaign is pulling its 50 staffers from North Dakota in order to deploy them in the battleground states of Wisconsin and Minnesota. What do you think? 
Plans For 9/11 Museum Revealed #~# After four years of work, architect Craig Dykers has revealed his plans for the 9/11 museum to built on the former site of the World Trade Center.  What are some of the features of the design?
McCain Campaign Nabs Top Obama Pun Writer #~# ARLINGTON, VA—In what is being called a major coup for the Republican nominee, the campaign of Sen. John McCain has recruited rival Sen. Barack Obama's top play-on-words writer, David Talenda, creator of such catchy puns as "Barack and Roll," "Barack the Vote!" and "Obama Mama" for the Democratic candidate.
Man Succumbs To 7-Year Battle With Health Insurance #~# DENVER—After years of battling crippling premiums and agonizing deductibles, local resident Michael Haige finally succumbed this week to the health insurance policy that had ravaged his adult life.
Cash-Strapped NPR Launches 'A Couple Things Considered' #~# WASHINGTON—Facing major cutbacks, National Public Radio has been forced to retool and relaunch its popular program All Things Considered as a truncated newscast that now only considers a couple, maybe three things per show. "We'd love to consider all things, but the reality is we no longer have the resources necessary to do so," host Michele Norris said following the new show's first broadcast, in which rising gas prices and jazz legend Wynton Marsalis were considered. "We'll still be able to mention six or seven things, gloss over four, and reference five, but we cannot afford to give every single thing our full consideration. Perhaps we were biting off more than we could chew in the first place." A Couple Things Considered is just one of many new shows brought about by budget constraints, along with NPR's recently launched Bicycle Talk and Public Radio International's This Tri-State Area Life. 
Gov. Palin's E-Mail Hacked #~# The son of a Tennessee state representative hacked into Gov. Sarah Palin's Yahoo! e-mail account. What do you think?
EPA Shuts Down Local Ghost-Entrapment Business #~# NEW YORK—Citing unsafe practices and potential toxic contamination, the Environmental Protection Agency shut down a small ghost- entrapment operation in downtown Manhattan today, and had four of the business' spectral-containment specialists arrested in the process.
Area Father Remembers When He Thought Killing Family, Self Was Crazy #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL— Father of five Don Knutsen, 39, can still recall a time not too long ago when he would have instantly dismissed the thought of lacing his family's lunch with Rohypnol and burning the house down with everyone inside as "crazy." "Just a year ago, that would have seemed pretty out there, all right," Knutsen told reporters as he tried to settle down his overexcited four-year-olds, Beth and Rogan, while his wife, Maude, informed him that the light in the bathroom was still broken. "These days, I usually don't make it to five o'clock before I notice we have five gallons of gas just sitting there in the garage." Although he does not currently have the time or money to seek counseling, Knutsen said he will certainly contact the authorities if he begins having murder-suicide fantasies in which his family does not die painlessly.
Congress Lowers Drinking Age To 17 Just For Jenny's Party #~# WASHINGTON—Overturning a law that has been in place for 24 years, Congress approved a temporary repeal of the Minimum Drinking Age Act Wednesday upon learning that Benjamin Harrison High School student Jenny Larsen is celebrating her 17th birthday with an unsupervised party at which attendees are expecting to consume alcohol.
Ryan O'Neal, Son Arrested For Drugs #~# Actor Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond were arrested in their home on suspected possession of methamphetamine. What do you think?
Clean Jobs #~# DISC
F.A.L. #~# NBC
Area Man Committed To Being Spicy Food Guy #~# NEWTON, KS—Auto salesman Royce Flankingston—known to frequently question waitstaff as to whether or not food is "actually" spicy, always ordering the spiciest dish on any menu, and then complaining that it is not spicy enough—recently renewed his commitment to being the spicy food aficionado in his group of friends. "Jalapeños, habañeros, those are some weak-sauce peppers, man—you got anything spicy in that salsa?" Flankingston asked his fellow Chrysler dealership employees at a company picnic last weekend, to which he brought his own sampler selection of hot sauces and dared everyone present to try them. "The famous asbestos Flankingston tongue doesn't notice anything under 10,000 Scoville units, so spare me that Heinz ketchup stuff, okay, buds?" Those close to Flankingston said that, while obnoxious, his latest obsession isn't half as bad as when he attempted to be the small-batch bourbon guy.
NFL's Worst-Ever Blown Calls #~# Ed Hochuli's premature whistle last Sunday probably cost the Chargers a win over the Broncos, but it wasn't the worst call ever. Onion Sports runs down some of the worst officiating the NFL has ever seen:
NFL Fines Pacman Jones For Not Tucking Gun Into Pants #~# NEW YORK—National Football League officials announced Wednesday that Dallas Cowboys cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones has committed a uniform weapons violation and will be fined $2,000 for keeping his nine-millimeter Beretta handgun in his game uniform's belt and not tucking the firearm into his uniform pants as rules stipulate during Monday night's game against the Philadelphia Eagles. "This fine sends a clear message that there is no leeway when it comes the NFL's new firearms policy—if players have a sidearm in their pants while on the field of play, said pistol must be tucked into the front, back, or sides of said pants," a statement from the commissioner's office read in part. "Once again, the rule is clear: Players can carry up to five guns onto the field at any one time, but only if they are properly carried in holsters underneath their jerseys, in the aforementioned portions of their pants, or in their sock." Goodell also cautioned Jones to be mindful of rule 14b of the on-field uniform code, which states that one may shoot an opposing quarterback once and only once as long as the throwing arm is not targeted.
Everything On TV Reminds David Wright Of Monumental Collapses #~# WASHINGTON—Seeking to take his mind off thoughts of the Mets' abysmal September fade in 2007 and their current spiral into second place in the NL East, David Wright began to panic Wednesday as every channel he flipped to on his hotel TV reminded him of monumental collapses. "The first thing I saw was a report on the Dow Jones plummeting 500 points, with this big graphic of a flashing red arrow pointing down," said Wright, who also flipped past the film Titanic, part of Wheel Of Fortune just as the wheel came to a stop on "Bankrupt," a commercial for a collapsible sofa-bed, footage of 9/11, a weatherman saying that "things are about to cool down significantly as we head toward October," and a photo of Joan Rivers' face. Wright said he seriously began to suspect that he was going insane when teammate Carlos Delgado entered the room and asked Wright if he'd "seen [his] 'Mets squander a three-game lead with a week to play and end up losing the division to the Phillies on the last day of the season' around here anywhere."
NASCAR Cancels Remainder Of Season Following David Foster Wallace's Death #~# LOUDON, NH—Shock, grief, and the overwhelming sense of loss that has swept the stock car racing community following the death by apparent suicide of writer David Foster Wallace has moved NASCAR to cancel the remainder of its 2008 season in respect for the acclaimed but troubled author of Infinite Jest, A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again, and Brief Interviews With Hideous Men. 
Mike Holmgren Wondering If You've Ever Played Wide Receiver #~# SEATTLE—Desperate to fill his depleted receiving corps, Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren reportedly questioned every person he encountered Monday on their pass-catching ability, 40-yard dash times, and availability on Sunday afternoons. "If you've ever played wide receiver in college, high school, middle school, or even just in your backyard, come on down to Qwest Field for a tryout," Holmgren said, addressing reporters before inquiring about their hand size, vertical leap, route running, and knowledge of the West Coast offense. "You don't really need a lot of experience as long as you have a willingness to gain yards after the catch." Holmgren, who estimated that he has already interviewed over 500 possible wideouts at Seattle-area laundromats, gas stations, and coffee shops, has not ruled out suiting up himself this Sunday. 
Jewish Voters Push-Polled #~# Jewish voters in two states have reported they were asked leading questions during a phone survey intended to discredit Barack Obama and sway their opinion.  What do you think? 
Romeo Crennel To Charlie Weis: 'I Need You To Come Over Right Now And Stop Me From Eating These Five Chocolate Wedding Cakes' #~# CLEVELAND—According to telephone transcripts and voicemail recordings, panicked Cleveland Browns head coach Romeo Crennel called former colleague, current Notre Dame coach, and Overeaters Anonymous sponsor Charlie Weis Tuesday, pleading for Weis to come to his house and stop him from eating five multi-tiered chocolate wedding cakes. "Charlie? Charlie, I… I have a fork in one hand a big jug of milk in the other. I've already eaten the mocha-hazelnut bride and groom figurines. Oh, God, Charlie," said Crennel, who went on to add that when he originally purchased the wedding cakes, he told himself he merely wanted "the comfort of knowing they were close by." "If you don't get here soon, all of it is going to be gone, and I'll have failed again… Oh. Oh, my, it's Dutch choc- [inaudible]." Upon arriving, Weis reportedly found Crennel lying on his kitchen floor in a pool of melted confectionery, deep in diabetic shock, with a rictus of mingled pleasure and self-disgust frozen on his chocolate-covered face. 
Some Guy Wearing Packers Uniform Throws For 328 Yards #~# DETROIT—Much to the surprise and confusion of everyone in attendance at Ford Field last Sunday, an unknown man wearing an official No. 12 Packers uniform complete with pads, a helmet, and cleats appeared to play quarterback for Green Bay, completing 24 of 38 passes for 328 yards and scoring three touchdowns against the Lions. Broadcast footage provided by Fox Sports clearly shows the guy walking onto the field and lining up behind the center in full view of security officials, who made no attempt to stop the him. The man ran the Packers offense with apparent familiarity, instructing players in the huddle, throwing the ball with remarkable strength and precision, and showing good judgment in either throwing the ball away or scrambling past defenders for first downs while leading the Packers to a 48-25 victory. The guy wearing the Packers uniform, who disappeared into the locker room after the game, is the first unknown individual to quarterback the Packers since 1992, when Brett Favre took over from some dude who was injured in a game against the Bengals. 
What Am I Going To Do With All These Dog Uteruses? #~# Anyone who enjoyed my historic 35-year run as host of The Price Is Right knows there's no cause I feel more strongly about than the crisis of animal overpopulation. That's why I made sure to close every show by reminding viewers to have their pets spayed or neutered, and why I took that correspondence course on in-home animal surgery. But after four decades of personally removing as many dog uteruses as I could get my hands on, they're really starting to pile up.
New Nervous-Energy Drink Recreates Feeling Of Waiting For Girl To Call #~# LOS ANGELES—According to makers of the nervous-energy drink Pace!, the new beverage provides consumers with the same anxiety, restlessness, and self-doubt associated with waiting for a phone call from a much-desired female acquaintance. "Pace! gives you that unique, up-all-night feeling of dissecting every little thing she said last time you saw her," company spokesperson Geraldine Ponzari said at a press conference Monday. "With just the right blend of guarana, ginseng, and caffeine, Pace! will have your heart racing and your hands grabbing for your pockets every time you hear something that even remotely sounds like a ringing cell phone." Ponzari announced that Pace! is also developing a manic-energy drink, which will give consumers the feeling of maxing out their credit cards purchasing 400 snow shovels at Home Depot. 
Obama Deletes Another Unread MoveOn.org E-Mail #~# CHICAGO—After receiving yet another unwanted e-mail from liberal political action group MoveOn.org Monday, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama deleted the message from his inbox without even glancing at its contents.
Rumors Swirl Around Palin #~# Ever since Sen. John McCain's selection of Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate, the press has been abuzz with rumors about the former mayor of Wasilla, AK. Here are some of the more persistent rumors:
My Son Has Exactly The Ideas Needed To Turn This Company Around #~# Our company started manufacturing and reconditioning toner cartridges back in 1993, and 15 years later, Wernicke is the name you can trust when it comes to toner cartridges. But with changes in technology and higher production costs, these last few years have been tough. So after a great deal of deliberation, I've decided what this company needs is a fresh face, a new approach, and someone who is directly related to me—my son, Adam, our new chief operating officer.
Candidates Vow To Fix Wall Street #~# With the Dow Jones industrial average plunging more than 500 points Monday, both Sen. John McCain and Sen. Barack Obama are claiming they have a plan to keep the country out of economic turmoil. What do you think? 
Palin Unveils 9/11 Firefighter Cousin, Reformed Lesbian Niece, Naturalized Mexican Half Brother #~# CARBONDALE, PA—Less than two weeks after introducing to the nation her developmentally disabled newborn and her 19-year-old son preparing for military service in Iraq, Republican vice presidential nominee and conservative Christian woman Sarah Palin delivered a speech Monday flanked by three heretofore-unknown relatives, including a naturalized Mexican half brother, a formerly lesbian niece, and a New York City firefighter cousin who saved several lives during the 9/11 World Trade Center attacks. "John McCain and I will take on the Washington establishment and give the government back to the people," said Palin, who several times gave the "thumbs-up" sign to her African-American coal-miner uncle seated in the audience. "We envision a better and brighter future for hardworking, selfless Americans like Ted, Anne, and Guillermo here." Palin has a campaign stop scheduled next week in Texas, where she is expected to introduce her stepsister Linda, a $35 barrel of offshore-drilled crude oil wrapped in an American flag.
Parody Movie Script One Crotch-Hitting Joke Short Of Being Greenlit #~# LOS ANGELES—The script for Epic Movie 2: Epicer Movie is, according to writer-directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, only one crotch-hitting joke short of going into production. "Twenty-three times throughout the film, a crotch is kicked, punched, raked, shoveled, bitten, or hit with either a baseball bat, tennis racket, or nunchucks, but 20th Century Fox keeps invoking Hollywood's 'rule of 24,'" said Friedberg. "In their opinion, the film could use a second crotch-hitting joke right at the beginning to really set the tone. Aaron and I feel strongly that 23 crotch jokes is enough, and 24 would be overdoing it. But that's not to say we wouldn't be willing to compromise with the studio if necessary to bring our creative vision to the screen." A studio source confirmed that the "near-perfect" script already has the correct number of bodily fluids being consumed by an unsuspecting character (seven), allusions to black culture (168), and potential laugh-out-loud moments (one).
Terrorism Training Videos Yanked From YouTube #~# The new community guidelines for YouTube ban users from uploading videos that incite violence or teach violent activities, like bomb making. What do you think? 
Word 'Presumptive' Prepares For Another 4-Year Hibernation #~# WASHINGTON—As the leaves begin to turn and another election season draws to a close, the term "presumptive" has once again readied itself for a four-year repose in obscurity and restful slumber. Plucked from the recesses of the English language to serve for the brief but heady interval between the first presidential primaries and the party nominating conventions, the elegant adjective has toiled earnestly these past nine months, scurrying through the lips and pens of journalists the world over, and shall now retire for a spell, far from the public eye. "Go now, you gentle political buzzword," CNN political correspondent John King said. "See you in 2012, when our paths be fit to cross again." King also noted the recent delightful retreat of the word "incumbent," whose haughty three-syllable form plagues our election coverage every two years.
Night Of Watching Game Show Network Leaves Man Concerned About Life Insurance #~# BRIDGEWATER, IA—Shortly after watching back-to-back episodes of Love Connection, The Newlywed Game, and Lingo Monday night, local resident Fred Grossman, 26, began suddenly to worry about finding the life insurance policy that is right for him. "Who is going to care for my loved ones when I am gone?" said the unemployed, unmarried Grossman, who also thinks he may have an enlarged prostate, and is wondering why he's been picking up his pet medication at the vet when he could have it delivered right to his door for just a small monthly fee. "Isn't it about time I gave my family the peace of mind they deserve?" The following afternoon, after sitting through a three-hour block of daytime talk shows, Grossman announced an abrupt decision to pursue an exciting career in either criminal justice or air conditioning and refrigeration repair.
‘Carpe Diem,’ Says Man Who Spent Previous Day Masturbating In Darkened Room #~# OLYMPIA, WA—Less than 12 hours after devoting his entire Saturday to masturbating in a dimly lit room, local resident Ian Schiller, 25, advised a friend with whom he was eating brunch to “seize the day.”
Botox May Cure Migraines #~# Pharmaceutical company Allergan says its paralysis-inducing wrinkle preventer Botox works as a treatment for chronic migraines. What do you think? 
Woman Always Really Excited To Be In Whatever Relationship Status She's Currently In #~# KINGSPORT, TN—Just six months after claiming she was ecstatic about moving in with her boyfriend, and a mere eight weeks after announcing that she "couldn't be happier" with their decision to take a brief time apart, administrative assistant Ann Castlen, 26, told friends Monday that she was absolutely thrilled to be single.
Behind The Scenes Of 'Smash Mouth: Behind The Music' #~# VH1
McCain's Energy Plan Emphasizes Elbow Grease, Sleeve-Rolling-Up #~# HOUSTON—While campaigning in Texas Monday, Sen. John McCain delivered a speech outlining his personal energy policy, a plan that offsets rising gas prices and dependence on foreign oil with a 38 percent increase in the national get-up-and-go. "Developing an intelligent energy policy is not only an environmental concern, but a national security concern as well, which is why I have developed a comprehensive plan to make hay while the sun's still shining," said the Republican presidential nominee, pulling out a dustpan. "If we are going to stave off another energy crisis, it is essential for all Americans to put your shoulders into it, wipe the sand out of your eyes, and reduce our dependence on foreign oil by 20 percent over the next five years." Sen. McCain said he has no doubt his energy plan will be successful, as he enacted a similar strategy in October when he had to clean out his garage.
National Endowment For The Arts Funds Construction Of $1.3 Billion Poem #~# WASHINGTON—The National Endowment for the Arts announced Monday that it has begun construction on a $1.3 billion, 14-line lyric poem—its largest investment in the nation's aesthetic- industrial complex since the $850 million interpretive-dance budget of 1985.
Ron Paul Endorses Third Parties #~# Former Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has refused to endorse Sen. John McCain or Sen. Barack Obama, calling the race a charade and choosing instead to back four independent candidates. What do you think? 
Obama Suddenly Panicked After Gazing Too Far Into Future #~# MADISON, WI—Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) fell deathly silent in the middle of a speech on education before the Wisconsin Teachers Union Tuesday, his failure of words reportedly a result of the Democratic nominee's forward-looking tendencies suddenly bringing him a harrowing glimpse of a future world shaped by madness and horror. "And that is why we must all strive to make our own tomorrow together," Obama said to resounding applause before stopping abruptly, breaking into a cold sweat, and bringing his trembling hands to his blanched face. "Oh, God, no. They're sentient. Every last one of them is sentient!" While spokespeople from the Obama camp have suggested that the candidate's recent comments about magnets being "our only hope for survival" were taken out of context, they did confirm that he has canceled all future appearances in New Mexico, especially those taking place during the month of October.
Uncomfortable Emptiness #~# FOX
Nation Hit Hard #~# NEW YORK—Faced with several tough factors, the nation has once again been hit hard, sources reported Tuesday. "It is unclear whether the American people will ever fully recover from this blow," said Dr. Gerald Davidson, an expert. "The country is still reeling from November's massive slump, as well as widespread skyrocketing in 2006. And let's not forget that staggering 13.9 percent rate." Davidson concluded that the only circumstance that could somewhat alleviate the dire situation is a boost.
Female Fans Out For Season With Tom Brady's Knee Injury #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—More than 90 percent of female football fans were lost for the season on Sunday when New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady suffered a left knee injury that will require extensive treatment. The Patriots announced Monday that Brady, the 2007 NFL Most Valuable Player and arguably the NFL's most handsome man, will be placed on injured reserve, where despite being no less attractive than before his injury, he will only be partially visible for the rest of the 2008-2009 season.
Mets Invite Phillies Back To Shea Stadium For A Nightcap #~# NEW YORK—After spending a casual afternoon together playing a day game, the New York Mets approached the Philadelphia Phillies as they waited outside the ballpark for their team bus and asked them if they'd like to come back up to their field for a nightcap. "I know you've got an early flight tomorrow, but one more baseball game never hurt anyone," Mets third baseman David Wright said to the entire Phillies ballclub, flashing a smile and noting that Shea Stadium "looks beautiful under the lights." "No pressure, I just thought it might be…you know, fun." Despite the Mets' high hopes for the evening's nightcap, however, the Phillies did not allow them to get as far as third base. 
Chinese Womens' Paralympic Team Under Investigation For Having Arms, Legs #~# BEIJING—After numerous protests and accusations of foul play from Paralympic athletes, especially those participating in judo, basketball, and tennis, the International Olympic Committee announced Tuesday they would investigate claims that many members of the Chinese female Paralympic team have full sets of functioning arms and legs. 
Notable Sports Injuries #~# Tom Brady's season-ending knee injury certainly changed the complexion of the NFL season, but it isn't the first time a player has made headlines from the sidelines:
ESPN Holds ‘SportsCenter’ Of Silence For Tom Brady #~# BRISTOL, CT—Cable sports network ESPN aired a special hour-long SportsCenter of silence yesterday from 11 p.m. to 12 a.m. in honor of recently fallen New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. 
Fox NFL Robot Misses Week One Due To Contract Holdout #~# NEW YORK—The Fox NFL Robot, for years a central figure in sports broadcasting,† was noticeably absent from the network's NFL pregame show and commercial bumpers Sunday as the mechanical star continued its eight-week contract holdout.
Tim Duncan Forwards Story About Particle Accelerator To Spurs Teammates #~# SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan once again attempted to simultaneously bond with his teammates and enrich their lives on Tuesday when the two-time NBA MVP forwarded an article about the Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest particle accelerator, to each player on the Spurs. "I hope they found reading about the Large Hadron Collider experiment to recreate the first instants in the birth of our universe as engaging as I did," Duncan said, adding that if his teammates respond positively to the article, he would also send them a related article on quantum chromodynamics recently published in Scientific American. "It will be interesting to find out if they have similar theories about space, matter, and time." In the past three months, Duncan has reportedly forwarded articles on the evolution of the roseola virus, the technology of geothermal energy research, and caring for koi fish in a backyard pond.
Kim Jong Il May Have Had Stroke #~# Following his absence during a parade celebrating the 60th anniversary of North Korea, many are speculating that Kim Jong Il has suffered a stroke. What do you think?
I Was Under The Impression That Everyone Loved My Headlocks #~# My entire life, I've always loved some good old-fashioned horseplay, and I assumed everyone else felt the same. So you can imagine my surprise when, out of nowhere, right in the middle of my youngest son's baptism, my wife asks me to please stop putting everybody in headlocks because, as she claims, "No one enjoys it and no one ever did." Honestly, I had absolutely no idea. I always thought that everyone really liked my headlocks.
Voter Registration Efforts #~# As the election grows nearer, many organizations are out in full force to increase voter registration. What are they doing to encourage people to register?
Hey, Where Did All My Stuff Go? #~# Well this sucks. I leave the realm of the living to roam the underworld for a few thousand years, return to my burial place to enjoy all my worldly possessions, and all of a sudden, everything is gone. Everything. The alabaster chalice, the cobra amulet, that gold vulture thing I've had since I was a baby—all of it, gone.
Struggling Air Force One To Begin Selling Passenger Tickets #~# WASHINGTON—With oil prices hitting record levels, the United States Air Force announced today that it has begun selling passenger tickets on all flights operated by its Air Force One fleet in order to maintain the service as a "feasible enterprise." 
Report: More Television Viewers Becoming Desensitized To Drama #~# LOS ANGELES—Researchers at the USC Center for the Study of Television announced Monday that a new report points toward a drastically impaired response to real-world dramatic incidents among America's habitual television viewers. "We found that a majority of viewers who watch a normal amount of television—between 32 and 56 hours a week—were relatively unmoved by such personal traumas as divorce, financial disaster, or the death of a child, compared with their reactions to similar events on television," said Dr. Fernando Alonso, whose team conducted the study. "Respondents consistently said that predicaments they'd seen play out on House were worse than their loved ones' bouts with emphysema, and that they had experienced greater rejection over unrequited love during Grey's Anatomy than they had in their own lives." Alonso said the study, performed on adults over the age of 21, does not necessarily contradict an earlier report that found children who witnessed drama on TV were more likely to commit drama themselves. 
Matthews, Olbermann Ousted As MSNBC Anchors #~# MSNBC has removed Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann from anchor duties during coverage of the presidential campaign. What do you think? 
Christian Couple Staying Together For Sake Of God #~# SANDUSKY, OH—Despite intense unhappiness and an ever-widening emotional rift between them, devout Christian couple Linda and Benjamin Dollinger told reporters Monday that they have decided to stay married for the sake of their only true lord, God. "We're afraid that if we get a divorce, He'll never forgive us," said Benjamin, 37, who admitted that he and Linda had recently started arguing in their car with the radio on so that God wouldn't hear them. "We try not to let on how bad things actually are, but I think that, at least on some level, He knows something is wrong." Linda said that she and Benjamin plan to stay committed to their loveless marriage "just until [they] die."
Government To Take Over Big Two Lenders #~# The federal government announced this weekend that it would seize control of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, the country's two biggest mortgage firms, in order to keep them afloat. What do you think? 
Brave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of Hikers #~# EUREKA, CA—A local mountain lion came face-to-face with a group of hikers and made it out alive, sources reported Monday. Wildlife officials are crediting the courageous cougar's quick thinking, catlike reflexes, and 150 pounds of coiled muscle with successfully fending off the human foot travelers.
Chrysler Names '83 LeBaron CEO #~# AUBURN HILLS, MI—Praising the vehicle's 25 years of experience, its proven dependability, and its 2.2-liter internal combustion engine, Chrysler announced Monday that it has appointed a 1983 four-door LeBaron sedan as the company's new CEO. "We believe that the LeBaron's expertise in dealing with customers, combined with its 100.3-inch wheelbase, makes it the right automobile for the job," Chrysler CFO Ron Kolka said. The Chrysler Town and Country, passed over for the position for the second time in four years, will return to its post as the company's regional finance manager. When asked how Chrysler plans to shift toward more energy-efficient models in order to compete in a changing marketplace, the LeBaron honked its horn for 35 seconds.
Cows Instinctively Know North #~# German and Czech researchers have discovered that cows tend to align themselves in a north-south direction when grazing or resting. What do you think? 
No One On SWAT Team Wants To Wait In Ventilation Duct With Howard #~# CHICAGO—A Chicago Police Department Special Weapons And Tactical unit was called to the scene of an ongoing hostage situation at Green Oaks Psychiatric Hospital at approximately 2:30 p.m. today, and as the standoff entered its fifth hour, the SWAT team was no closer to determining whose turn it was to sit in the ventilation duct with Sr. Cpl. Howard Simmons.
RNC Coverage: Morning In America #~# Good Morning, My Fellow Americans.
RNC Coverage: SOS #~# Was hit with "Pepper Spray" by Police! Burned my eyes out! Can't wait to leave this sewer of a town, the town of Republicans! Editors, if you are out there reading this, please change my flight—I need emergency evacuation! Have been pouring water on my face for hours. It burns!
RNC Coverage: Red Meat #~# The crowd has grown significantly larger, and rather rambunctious. 
RNC Coverage: Playing "Ruff" #~# Boy, there are a lot of people outside the convention today. It's almost like they're having a convention of people who didn't get into the convention!
RNC Coverage: More Of The Same #~# I left the very "UN-X-CELLENT" X-Cel Center via the West Exit for once (didn't really have a choice in the matter, thanks to the Gestapo they've got working "security"). It gave me a new perspective on the Republicans Convention. Look familiar?
RNC Coverage: Saluting Our Veterans #~# I spotted a True American Hero and got off a quick snap while the jackbooted X-Cel guards were roughing me up. Take a look:
Extreme Foreclosure: Home Edition #~# ABC
RNC Coverage: Line In The Sand #~# Hot-footed it over to "The Con" today, hoping to catch a glimpse of this new "Lady VP" the talking heads are talking about.
RNC Coverage: Lady Liberty #~# Getting a late start.
Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain #~# DAYTON, TN—A steady stream of devoted evolutionists continued to gather in this small Tennessee town today to witness what many believe is an image of Charles Darwin—author of The Origin Of Species and founder of the modern evolutionary movement—made manifest on a concrete wall in downtown Dayton.
Gum May Aid Colon Surgery Recovery #~# British researchers found that patients who chewed gum after undergoing colon surgery had bowel movements sooner than those who did not. What do you think? 
Drop It Like It's Hot #~# VH1
Miracle Dog Gives Birth To Septuplets #~# ROANOKE, VA—The media-dubbed "Roanoke miracle dog," who goes only by the name "Ginger," has seven brand-new reasons to be overjoyed after giving birth to septuplets Saturday. Ginger, who without resorting to fertility drugs has been blessed twice before with quintuplets and nonuplets, welcomed her new ones into the world without any complications, despite having no assistance in the birthing process. Even more remarkable, Ginger is over 12 years old. "The birth of one puppy is a miracle in itself," said family vet Dr. Martha Davis. "To experience this wonder sevenfold is truly a gift from God." After spending a few days alone with their happy mommy, three of the puppies were given away to strangers and four were drowned in a bucket, because they were of a mixed breed and Ginger's owner wanted full Doxies.
Abortion Not Linked To Depression #~# A literature review by the American Psychological Association states that women who have an abortion are not at greater risk for developing depression. What do you think? 
Drug Dealer Disappointed Josh Hamilton Didn't Reach Full Potential As Heroin Addict #~# ORLANDO—Benjamin "Dry Bones" Gray, a drug dealer and former supplier to Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton, expressed bitter disappointment over the centerfielder's all-too-brief career as a heroin addict. "I've never seen anyone like Josh. He was a natural," said Gray, who helped Hamilton hone his drug-abusing talents during a stop with the minor league Orlando Rays. "He did all the little things you just can't teach—injecting between his toes, nodding off wherever, selling all his stuff for money to buy more heroin…The man had everything you need to inject heroin into his body, not to mention crack cocaine. That was the beauty of Josh Hamilton: He could do it all." Asked to describe Hamilton's addiction skill set against the all-time greats, Gray said Hamilton could have been "the next William S. Burroughs."
Shaun White Has Xtremely Lazy Day #~# CARLSBAD, CA—Sources close to Shaun White confirm that the snowboarder spent an Xtremely lazy day in bed Wednesday, lethargically performing numerous inactivities with ease. White reportedly started the day in a goofy-faced stance with his feet firmly secured to his headboard, performed a body varial over the course of the next two hours in which he rotated 180 degrees and landed in an full belly sprawl, successfully transitioning through a never-before-attempted 720-degree spin through his bedding. "Shaun just makes his inertia work for him," said Burton Snowboard spokesperson Leigh Ault. "You can't learn that kind of thing. You just have to be born that relaxed." White's flawless run concluded when he grabbed the leading edge of his blaring clock radio, executed a hand plant on the snooze button, landed safely in a pile of pillows, and did not move from that position for the next 10 hours.
Brett Favre Getting That Retirement Itch Again #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Although veteran Jets quarterback Brett Favre claims he still loves the game, dwindling enthusiasm and a desire to bow out while on top has him contemplating retirement again, Favre confirmed Monday.
Yankees Sign 16-Year-Old GM Prospect Out Of The Dominican #~# NEW YORK—Calling the 16-year-old international free agent "the next great general manager," the New York Yankees announced the signing of the Dominican Republic's Eduardo Morales Monday. "We've had our eye on [Morales] since he was a vice president of baseball operations for his youth league team," said Yankees' scouting director Damon Oppenheimer, who appointed the prospect as general manager of the Single-A Staten Island club. "This is a five-tool general manger we've got here: free agent contract negotiation, trading, drafting, Rule 5 drafting, and ballpark administration. And he's certainly not afraid to shake up a roster. As they say in the Dominican, you don't stand pat at the trading deadline to get off the island." As for the disappointing performance of current general manager Brian Cashman, Oppenheimer announced he would be put in a strict platoon with assistant GM Jean Afterman and may soon be relegated to pinch-general-managing duties.
Onion Sports 2008 College Football Rankings #~# 1. Georgia: Young team overflowing with confidence, though preseason boast that their football empire shall rule over all the Earth for a thousand years makes scouts uneasy 
Area Dad Hopes Son's Interest In Long Jumping Just A Phase #~# BALTIMORE—David Segal, 38-year-old accountant and father of two, expressed hope that his 10-year-old son's recent interest in long jumping has been spurred only by the 2008 Olympic Games and will fade out as soon as the NFL season, NBA season, and MLB post-season begin. "He can't be serious," a distraught Segal said last Friday when his son rejected his offer to play a game of catch in favor of watching Olympic track-and-field events for the second time this week. "I don't get it. You can run and jump in baseball, football, and basketball, too. But at least those sports are, you know, sports." Sources close to Segal say he later forcibly prevented his son from watching the Olympics as soon as the floor exercise of the men's artistic gymnastics came on.
David Ortiz, Jason Bay Yet To Complete Elaborately Choreographed Handshake #~# BOSTON—Upon returning to the dugout following a two-run homerun Sunday, Red Sox Nos. 3 and 5 hitters David Ortiz and Jason Bay were unable to finalize the choreography of what will eventually become their signature congratulatory handshake. "No. You always point up to Jesus last," said Ortiz, Boston's leading slugger and head choreographer. "I like you, Jason. You're funny. But, come on, it goes slap, slap, bash, nod, hug, spin, slap, pose, cross arms, point. Not slap, slap, bash, nod, hug, spin, point, slap, cross arms, pose. I don't know why we would ever do that." In addition to their handshake woes, Ortiz and Bay have announced a delay in creating a dual nickname for themselves after Kevin Youkilis told them that "Jason Ortiz" was stupid and would never catch on.
RNC Coverage: No Children Left Behind #~# I want to bring you up to date on the latest developments from the X-Cel Center in the City of Saints. Some of them are shocking indeed.
RNC Coverage: Tradition And Honor #~# The Republicans have outfitted the X-Cellent X-Cel Center (it's growing on me) in a very smart way. Take this moving display honoring our veterans of Hockey.
RNC Coverage: Secret Weapon? #~# I went into the Grand Old Hall at the X-Cel Center…still pretty quiet…
RNC Coverage: News Bloodhounds #~# Tracking the news is hard work, perhaps more so at America's Political Conventions. You have to have a "Nose For News" when in search of the "Big Scoop." Well, there's no shortage of Award-Winning Journalists here and they know where the action is.
RNC Coverage: Not Settling On Second Best #~# One of the "perks" of being a member of the Mass Media is that there are all sorts of freebies here in the Press-Only area of The Con. A qualified professional with exclusive access can get all the daily trades he desires at no cost whatsoever. Talk about "FREE-dom of the Press!"
I'm Fryin' My Nuts Off! #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been getting plenty hairy around here. First, I been running like a chicken with its head cut off trying to find some new tires for my Festiva. I know, a tire is a tire, but these are some weird-ass size that no one makes anymore. I caught a flat on one and I've been driving on my spare for about a month now. It don't worry me none, but if I get another flat, I'm screwed.
RNC Coverage: In The Pantheon Of X-Cellence #~# I left the convention yesterday hungry and bored. I couldn't find a single decent kiosk of fast food open for business in the whole Xcel Center. Whoever's in charge over there sure hasn't earned the label "X-Cellent," let me tell you!
RNC Coverage: The Long, Hard Slog #~# All of you out there likely don't fully appreciate the lengths we journalists go to in order to bring America's Political Conventions home to your living rooms. You sit there in your easy chairs and soak in the information briefly, change channels or flip the page to the crossword puzzle, all the while assuming this political coverage is something that just happens by magic with no effort whatsoever.
RNC Coverage: The Last Man #~# I made it down to the flea-bag motel my editors set me up in (don't ask) and headed over to the Con. The Welcome Wagon of the City of Twin Saints just keeps on rolling!
RNC Coverage: "Saint" Paul! #~# Well, I figured time's a-wastin' and I'd better get a move-on to "the Con," so I journeyed forth down to baggage claim and look what was waiting for me on the other side of the Star Trek-like sliding doors:
Protecting Our Banks #~# The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, the body that insures bank deposits up to $100,000, has raised the number of "troubled banks" to 117. What is being done to keep the banks from going bust?
New Little Caesars Marketing Strategy Has Employees Throw Themselves On Hoods Of Passing Cars #~# DETROIT—Following the failure of the pizza chain's TV advertisements and coupon flier promotions, the Little Caesars corporate office introduced a new marketing strategy for select locations Tuesday that involves their employees standing outside the restaurant and hurling themselves onto the hoods of passing cars while shouting the day's special offers. "In today's media-saturated world, the key is getting the customer's attention," market analyst Jodi Baer said. "Darting out into the street, leaping in front of a speeding car, and quickly screaming 'One large 14-inch pizza plus an order of Crazy Bread for just $10.99!' before smashing through the windshield accomplishes that goal." This replaces the company's previous outside-the-box marketing campaign, in which employees strapped 15 pounds of explosives to their chests and screamed "Pizza! Pizza!" before blowing themselves up in a crowded marketplace.
Inconveniencing Others Makes Me Feel Alive #~# Every part of my body is tingling with  excitement right now.
Flies Have Constant Escape Plan #~# Researchers have found that flies are hard to swat because they are able to calculate an escape route within milliseconds of spotting a threat. What do you think? 
Top Story On John McCain Run Out Of Obligation #~# NEW YORK—Although his lack of charisma and charm has lately prevented the Arizona senator from grabbing front-page headlines, the tenets of journalistic objectivity made it necessary today to publish a top news story on Republican presidential candidate John McCain.
RNC Coverage: Judge Not #~# Leaving the Caribou Coffee Outpost behind, I traveled around the bend and came to a Clearing:
McCain Speechwriter Trying To Write Lines That Don't Lead To Creepy Smile #~# PHOENIX, AZ—According to campaign sources, Joseph Chappel, a 38-year-old speechwriter for Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), has spent the last two weeks attempting to combine words and phrases in such a way as to not provoke a tight-jawed, dead-eyed smile from the presidential hopeful. Dreading a repeat of last month's speech to a group of businesswomen in Ohio, during which McCain followed a mention of his wife with an awkward and eerie smirk, Chappel has avoided personal anecdotes for the new speech, omitted any mention of "God" or "this great nation," and cut several phrases that had the potential to draw the 72-year-old candidate's mouth open in a horrifying display of teeth and gums.
RNC Coverage: The Great North Woods #~# Well, it took a few days but the Einsteins back at the office FINALLY managed to get me on a new flight from Denver to the "City of Twins," St. Paul. I can't tell you how grateful I am to leave that rat-infested sewer, Denver, in the rear-view mirror of my airplane.
RNC Coverage: Learning To Forgive #~# It may be the quintessential question of our time: How the Hell are any of us supposed to work successfully without the tools to do our job? It's a question that rings true for our information-finders in Iraq, for our homeland security officials right here in the Motherland, and for yours truly dutifully reporting on America's Political Conventions.
Gay War Hero Awarded Posthumous Dishonorable Discharge At White House Ceremony #~# WASHINGTON—In a solemn ceremony held in the White House Rose Garden Monday, recently outed Iraq War casualty Sgt. Maj. Michael Delacroix—a highly decorated career serviceman with an impeccable 22-year record—was posthumously stripped of his military honors and dishonorably discharged from the U.S. Army. "For giving his life in the line of duty and selflessly serving his nation while being gay, Mr. Delacroix will be exhumed from Arlington National Cemetery and relieved of his rank and all attendant benefits," U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said during the ceremony. "We also ask that his mother return the American flag that was given to her at his funeral." A Pentagon spokesman said that Delacroix's cause of death—sniper fire while attempting to save an injured Iraqi boy—will be changed to AIDS in the official record.
Clinton Supporters Contributing To McCain #~# More than 85 of Sen. Hillary Clinton's major financial supporters are now backing Sen. John McCain for president. What do you think? 
Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts #~# WASHINGTON—Busy dealing with important paperwork and other vice presidential duties in recent weeks, Dick Cheney was forced to put off until the last minute a cherished annual tradition: gift-shopping for his favorite holiday, 9/11.
Man Pinned Under Blankets For Three Days #~# MOLINE, TX—Crushed under the weight of a sudden and unexpected emotional collapse Friday, local resident Sam Cartwright spent 72 hours completely immobilized beneath the covers of his bed. "I don't know how long I was unconscious for," said Cartwright, who managed to stay alive by eating from a box of Ritz crackers that was within arm's reach. "I couldn't move. There were so many times that I wanted to just give up and die." Cartwright was eventually freed from the blankets when his friend Rob brought over a six-pack and told him to "forget that bitch."
McCain Chooses Palin As VP #~# Republican presidential candidate John McCain has chosen Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. What do you think? 
New 'Reality Television Delusion' Diagnosed #~# Two Montreal psychiatrists claim to have discovered a mental illness in which patients think they are subjects of their own reality shows. What do you think? 
Obama's Record-Breaking Fundraising Effort Bankrupting NPR, World Wildlife Fund, ACLU #~# WASHINGTON—After taking in more than $150 million in September, Sen. Barack Obama's historic fundraising drive has continued to completely devastate the causes of public radio, the environment, and civil liberty defense, sources reported Tuesday. "We've been offering twice as many tote bags, wall calendars, and handsome mugs, but no matter what we do, Obama keeps raking it in," said Azalea Kim, spokeswoman for the World Wildlife Fund. "We had a whole campaign ready to end poaching in the Bering Sea and runoff in the Coral Triangle. That's all gone now." Kim went on to say that she's delighted that the Democratic candidate has garnered the support of so many Americans, but seriously now, enough is enough.
At The Movies #~# ABC
Supremes Court Upholds Stopping In The Name Of Love In 2-1 Decision #~# WASHINGTON—After months of deliberation, the Supremes Court, the soulful judicial body that oversees federal matters of the heart, issued a historic decision in the case of Holland v. Baby, Baby, opting to uphold the practice of stopping in the name of love by a 2-1 vote.
Halloween Restrictions Against Sex Offenders Blocked #~# Parts of a Missouri law requiring sex offenders to remain inside with the lights out on Halloween night were rejected by a judge as unenforceable. What do you think? 
Need For More Places To Sit Becomes Election's Most Important Issue #~# WASHINGTON—According to a revealing new Washington Post–ABC News poll, the need for more places to sit is rapidly eclipsing the economy, health care crisis, and war in Iraq to become the No. 1 issue in the minds of voters. "Standing up and walking hurts my feet real bad," said poll respondent Eva Wolchover, 51, who ranked the sitting issue as this election's most crucial. "Why haven't either of the candidates promised us more chairs and couches? I've been on my feet for 20 minutes and I'm getting sore." In response to the poll, both Barack Obama and John McCain have vowed to alleviate the national seating crisis, and will be participating in a series of town hall sit-downs in nine major cities beginning this week.
MythReinforcers #~# DISC
Sen. Stevens Found Guilty #~# Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) was found guilty of ethics violations for not reporting expensive gifts, including $250,000 worth of home improvements from the owner of an oil-services company. What do you think?
Struggling Lower-Class Still Unsure How Best To Fuck Selves With Vote #~# WASHINGTON—As election day nears, millions of the nation's poorest voters have reportedly yet to settle on the most profound and enduring way to completely fuck themselves over when they head to the polls this year.
News Of Isiah Thomas Overdose Not As Fulfilling As Knicks Fan Would Have Hoped #~# NEW YORK—Although Isiah Thomas' accidental sleeping pill overdose came as welcome news to Knicks fan Brian Hart, the embarrassing chapter in the ex-coach's life didn't quite spark the sense of elation Hart would have expected.  I guess when it comes to Isiah Thomas, my expectations are so high that nothing can actually meet them, ya know?" said Hart, who has been fantasizing about exotic and fatal harm befalling Thomas for the past four years. "Sure, his pathetic attempt to shift the blame onto his daughter was pretty classic. Even I never imagined he'd do something like that. But the whole overdose thing kind of left me cold. I mean, a bus accident, some kind of electrocution, jumping off a bridge—that would be something. But an overdose is like, 'Yes, this makes sense, now let's move on.'" Hart expressed confidence that Thomas would eventually meet with a satisfying end, but has currently turned his attention to hoping Stephon Marbury contracts smallpox.
Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin To Staff: 'What If Ben Roethlisberger Is Bad?' #~# PITTSBURGH—Following Sunday's 21-14 loss to the New York Giants, in which Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger threw for 189 yards and four interceptions, Steelers coach Mike Tomlin posited to his coaching staff the notion that Roethlisberger might actually be a bad football player. "What if we've convinced ourselves that he's good because we desperately wanted a star quarterback, but the truth is that he's actually pretty bad, and his occasional good games are just flukes?" Tomlin was overheard saying to offensive coordinator Bruce Arians, who later told reporters that Pittsburgh coaches, players, and fans have come close to asking this very same question about Roethlisberger's play before, only stopping short for fear of what that answer might be. "I mean, we won a Super Bowl with him in 2005, but did he lead the team to that win or were the running game, receiving core, and defense so solid that we won it with a bad quarterback? Oh, Jesus." Roethlisberger signed an eight-year, $102 million extension with the team in March. 
Highlights From The First Half Of The NFL Season #~# Surprising teams came up big, new stars emerged, and coaches were fired by the handful. Onion Sports looks at pro football so far:
Nickel Back Mentoring Dime Back #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Titans nickel back Vincent Fuller announced Tuesday that he was taking dime back Eric King under his nickel-backing wing in an effort to help the fourth-year player develop the coverage skills necessary to play in long passing situations—and in the hope that King would himself mature into a nickel back someday. "Showing Eric the third-down-and-more-than-10-to-go ropes is personally fulfilling, and I think he's starting to feel like he's really a part of the secondary," said Fuller, adding that he was happy to be the kind of trusted situational defense counselor King could look up to. "Mostly I try to share my experiences on the field and emphasize that, even though dime back is only a part-time defensive position, he needs to make the most of his three to five opportunities each game. We've talked a lot about him breaking out of his soft-cover backpedal, working on his tackling, and, uh, the backpedal thing some more." Fuller meets with King three times a week to work with the dime back to eliminate penalties, quiz him about defending routes, and make sure things are going good at home.
Long-Snapper And Son Long-Snap A Few Balls Around Backyard #~# CLEVELAND— Former Browns long-snapper Wes Hardigree, 38, took advantage of the lovely autumn weather Wednesday afternoon, picking up his 8-year-old son Ben from school and long-snapping the ball around the backyard of their suburban Cleveland home.
Tim Duncan Offers To Drive NBA Players To Polling Place On Election Day #~# SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan sent an e-mail message to his fellow NBA players Tuesday volunteering to use his 1992 Buick LeSabre to chauffeur anyone "who needs a ride" to his assigned polling place to vote in the 2008 presidential election. "It's our responsibility to cast that ballot so that our democracy may continue working properly," wrote Duncan, adding that he was confident that every eligible member of the NBA was registered to vote and had been closely following all the 2008 races for months. "There's no need to feel pressure to tell me who you're voting for—that information is between you and the voting machine. All I ask is that you please be at the curb on time, buckle up, and treat my car with respect." According to Duncan, the "huge response" has forced him to schedule two separate trips, which he has detailed in a Google calendar and shared with all participants.
Olympic Rifleman Freelancing On Firing Squad #~# ZIRAKPUR, INDIA—Abhinav Bindra, the gold medal winner of the 10-meter air rifle event at the Beijing Olympics, revealed Wednesday that he supplements his income by providing his marksmanship services to firing squads. "It's certainly not as challenging as Olympic-level shooting, but the money is good, you get to travel, and the hours are great," said Bindra, who received $5,000 from the Indian government last Thursday for executing a Pakistani man found guilty of smuggling drugs. "I'm grateful that I can earn a little extra money doing something I love. I just wish it was a little more steady…. If I could get five or six executions a month, I'd feel more at ease." Bindra said he relies heavily on the Internet to find freelance execution gigs from Saudi Arabia to Texas and recently used Craigslist to apply with a firing squad in Colombia that is hiring people to gun down cowards.
Obama Warns He May Cease To Exist Unless America Believes In Him #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Unless citizens throughout America keep him in their thoughts, say his name to themselves over and over, and otherwise believe in him with all their might, Barack Obama may cease to exist, the candidate warned supporters Thursday.
Please, Someone Do Something About Prison Sodomy #~# If a candidate doesn't talk about this soon, I may take my own life.
Who's Going To Do Something About Prison Sodomy? #~# My fellow Americans, I don't have to tell you that one of the most overlooked crises facing our nation today is the proliferation of prison sexual abuse.
Unlicensed Plumber and Tax-Evader Endorses McCain #~# Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, has publicly endorsed McCain. What do you think?
What In The Heck's A Barack Obama? #~# Just the other day, I was watching the TV, and I'll be damned if everyone didn't start talking 'bout this new thing called a "Barack Obama." Seems to be the hottest trend right now, and you can't go nowhere without hearin' some mention of it. Barack Obama this, Barack Obama that. Well, that's all well and good, but I still got one question: What in the heck is it?
As Election Draws Near, Area Man Moves To All-Obama T-Shirt Rotation #~# BURBANK, CA—After hearing the Democratic nominee call on his supporters not to let up in light of recent polls, Burbank resident Noah Sheets, 25, committed himself to wearing a pro-Obama T-shirt everyday until the election. "With the way these things have gone in the past, you can never be too sure until it's all over," said Sheets, wearing a "Baracktourage" T-shirt that portrayed the presidential candidate and members of his staff as characters from the HBO series Entourage. "It's up to me to be an agent of change, and besides, I've been looking for an excuse to get that one Obama shirt with 'Yes, We Can' in seven different languages." To ensure an Obama victory, Sheets is also considering changing his Facebook status to "Go Barack," pinning an extra Obama button on his backpack, and high-fiving that guy he sometimes sees wearing an Obama cap while jogging.
Wachovia's Record Losses #~# Last week, Wachovia posted a quarterly loss of $23.9 billion, the largest ever for a bank. Where did it lose the money?
A Vote For My Husband Is A Vote For Me Not Breaking Your Fucking Neck #~# Normally, I don't get out front and center like this in the media, preferring instead to support my husband from the sidelines and let the pundits do the talking. But as Election Day draws ever nearer, I'd like to take this time to urge all of you to put "Country First" and cast your vote for my husband, John McCain! Because a vote for John McCain is not just a vote for experience, fortitude, and American values, it's also a vote for me, Cindy McCain, not tearing your ribcage open and spilling your steaming viscera into the street.
Coworker Almost Got That Exact Same Thing When He Ate There #~# POTOMAC, MD—According to coworker Luke Nielson, he almost got that exact same dish when he himself ate at the Water Lily Café located in downtown Potomac. "I was this close to getting that," said Nielson, holding his thumb and forefinger slightly apart. "I just couldn't pass up the macadamia- encrusted sea bass, though. You should definitely get that the next time you go." Nielson said he also nearly went to that very same film, but decided instead to see The Secret Life Of Bees. 
'I Would Make A Bad President,' Obama Says In Huge Campaign Blunder #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a campaign gaffe that could potentially jeopardize Sen. Barack Obama's White House bid, the Democratic presidential nominee told nearly 8,000 supporters Tuesday that, if elected, he would be a terrible president.
Report: Election May Come Down To Single Candidate #~# WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the New America Foundation, the race for the presidency could potentially culminate in exclusive victory by a single contender. "Data from the last 55 consecutive presidential elections strongly suggest that, come Nov. 5, one person and one person alone will assume the coveted title president-elect," said political analyst Lawrence O'Donnell, the report's main author. "We had assumed this election would be determined by a number of different factors—Jewish voters in Florida, blue-collar workers in Ohio, or dissatisfaction with the economy, for example—but the data were conclusive: This race is going to boil down to one man."  O'Donnell added that the contest could very well hinge upon winning a majority of the electoral college votes apportioned to the 50 states and the District of Columbia.
MillerCoors Quietly Kills Zima #~# MillerCoors LLC has discontinued its clear malt beverage Zima, saying that the last of the existing inventory would be in stores until December. What do you think? 
Bruce Springsteen Concert Totally Changes Area Man's Mind About Voting #~# PHILADELPHIA—A recent Bruce Springsteen free acoustic set on Philadelphia's Ben Franklin Parkway completely changed the mind of sales associate Grant Garlock regarding the basic democratic process of voting, sources reported Monday. "It hadn't really occurred to me until Bruce said it, but when you think about it, voting really is the most important right we have as Americans," said Garlock, 38, who for various reasons ranging from scheduling mishaps to pure apathy has not voted in a local, state, or national election since 1988. "I used to think that my vote didn't count, but now I realize the Boss was right when he said, 'Every vote counts.'" On Nov. 4, Garlock plans to vote for John McCain because he thinks Sarah Palin is hot.
Bob Barr On Two-Party System: "Waaah! Waaah!" #~# In a speech delivered to a small group of supporters in Pennsylvania, Libertarian presidential candidate Bob Barr made a number of statements regarding the unfair nature of the two-party system and generally whined and moaned like a huge baby. "Waaah! Waaah! I want my own special party because I don't like altering my positions to attract voters. Waaah!" Barr said, his panties reportedly all in a bunch. "I believe in a lot of Republican and Democratic ideologies, but not all of them! Boo-hoo. I want my name on the ballot! I waaaaaant it!" According to the Federal Election Commission, during the time it took Bob Barr to throw his 20-minute temper tantrum, John McCain and Barack Obama collectively amassed another $12.2 million in campaign funding.
Granite State Blues #~# After all that unpleasantness with Barack Obama in Muscatine a couple of weeks ago, I decided to focus my efforts on getting some good buzz going about Davidson's Family Restaurant within the McCain campaign. But with my arm in this big cast and the Davidson's catering truck left a smoldering, twisted pile of steel and rubber by that goshdarn bomb-defusing robot, how was I supposed to get my delicious McCain Hotcakes—add an order of Homey Palin Homefries for only a dollar extra—into their namesake's mouth while he does damage control in New Hampshire?
Microsoft Ad Campaign Crashing Nation's Televisions #~# WASHINGTON—According to an FCC report released Monday, a new $300 million Microsoft ad campaign is responsible for causing televisions all across the country to unexpectedly crash.
Bill Clinton Starts Own Presidential School #~# NEW YORK—Former president Bill Clinton announced Wednesday the opening of the Bill Clinton President School, a four-day training program taught by the 42nd president that offers students the skills necessary to win the 2008 general election and become a successful two-term president of the United States. "Aren't you tired of not being president?"
Americans Voting Early #~# So far, more than 5 million people have cast their ballots in states where early voting is available. What do you think? 
Lieberman's Overlords Most Displeased #~# EIGHT MILES BENEATH THE EARTH’S SURFACE—According to reports from deep within the secret underground lair of the Tributon IV Project, the nine executive overlords of Sen. Joseph Lieberman are most displeased with the Connecticut lawmaker's repeated insolence. “We asked the earthling Lieberman to secure the American vice presidency, and yet again he has failed us,” Overlord Xinos IV said in a statement issued telepathically from his prefrontal cortex. “Rest assured, this lowly worm shall pay dearly for his incompetence. That is all.” While the Elders of the High Council of Minerva have not yet settled on an appropriate punishment, they are reportedly considering some combination of spine extraction, laser eye-immolation, and a highly complicated process whereby the four-term senator’s pathetic earth body would be condensed into a small pellet and shot at high speeds into the planet’s molten core. Despite these reports, representatives for Sen. Lieberman said he is still scheduled to attend Saturday’s Nook Farm Harvest Festival in Hartford.
I'm Glad I Don't Have A Brain Yet, Because I Hate Elitism #~# If there's one thing I am sick and tired of listening to as I sit here growing clusters of nerve cells that will eventually form ears, it's  the elites . And the worst elite of them all is this Washington insider, career politician, and writer of too many books Joseph R. Biden. Just listen to him talk! Every single time he appears on TV, it's "analysis of the issues" this and "informed opinion" that. Blah blah blah! Even I make more sense than this asshole, and I don't have a fucking speech center yet!
Area Man Saddened To Realize Short Jewish Women With An Interest In Theater His Type #~# CHICAGO—While reminiscing about his romantic past Monday, area resident David Simms was shocked and a little saddened to realize that short women belonging to the Jewish faith and possessing an active interest in the world of theater have always been, and will always be, his type.
Charlie Rose #~# PBS
Ron Paul Promises To Return When Country Needs Him Most #~# WASHINGTON—After piling the last of his Campaign for Liberty signs in the back of a beat-up Ford truck Thursday, Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX) once again abandoned his candidacy for president and rode on out toward the low western sun, but not before vowing to come back to Washington "when [the country] is ready."  "When the river swirls and the wind blows, and when uncontrollable inflation forces us to revert to the gold standard, and the Federal Reserve bank is exposed as the unconstitutional, neofascist cabal it really is, you'll see me coming over that hill," said Paul, leaving a dusty cowboy hat and a stack of "no" votes on his seat in the House of Representatives. "But don't you fret, America. If you ever feel like your government is getting too big or too intrusive, just give a little whistle, and there I'll be. I'll be there quicker'n you can spit."  Although no one has seen or heard from the Texas congressman since Thursday, sources report the Ron Paul for President campaign has gained an additional $2.3 million in contributions since his disappearance.
Swaggering Down 87% #~# NEW YORK—According to an alarming new study published Monday in The Journal Of Applied Behavioral Science, the time-honored American activity of swaggering, an extremely arrogant manner of walking, has dropped by nearly 90 percent since 2007.
Miss Teen Louisiana Dethroned #~# With only 11 days to go before her successor was appointed, the reigning Miss Teen Louisiana was stripped of her crown in response to her arrest for a "dine and dash" and possessing marijuana. What do you think? 
Paris Hilton's My New BFF #~# MTV
Candidates Annoyed To Have To Take Stance On Zinc Mining #~# WINONA, MO—After learning about the importance of zinc mining to residents in the crucial swing state of Missouri, presidential candidates John McCain and Barack Obama both expressed their irritation Monday over being forced to adopt a position on the issue in order to please voters. "I'll tell you what I think about zinc mining—I don't," an exasperated Obama told reporters, adding that he would reluctantly research the subject after finishing the "million other things" he had to do. "What's McCain's stance on it? I guess I'll be for it, unless he's for it, in which case I'll be against it. Either way I don't care." McCain had an identical reaction when informed that he would have to take a stance on health care, the economy, and education.
Double-Booked Tropicana Field Holds First Haunted House World Series #~# ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Tampa Bay Rays officials and Tropicana Field stadium management announced Wednesday night that, due to an unfortunate and unresolved scheduling conflict, the facility would continue to host the first ever Haunted House World Series. Executives apologized for Game 1 being repeatedly interrupted by shrill, gut-wrenching screams emanating from the stadium's sound system, the players' inability to field ground balls around the Infield Maze of Gore, and haunted house actor/Rays third baseman Evan Longoria leaving every half inning to grab his Leatherface mask and chainsaw.
Dustin Pedroia Informs Nation That You Can't Win Them All #~# ST. PETERSBURG, FL—In a postgame press conference following a Game 7 loss that halted another magical Red Sox playoff comeback, Boston second baseman Dustin Pedroia informed the nation that you can't win them all. "Realistically speaking, you cannot win literally every game you play," Pedroia said. "What I'm trying to say is, there are many variables that go into each game, like the weather, fatigue, emotion, and human error. Combine those elements with the randomness inherent in the universe, and it's absolutely impossible for a team to win all the time. Every season, we have 162 games, which can be seen as 162 opportunities to either win or lose, taking into account that our opponents also want to win. I'm sure most fans believed otherwise, but I just hope everyone can accept this unfortunate truth." To further illustrate his point, Pedroia drew a diagram based on Schrödinger's famous cat-and-box gedankenexperiment to show that, although any baseball game has the potential to be won or lost, only one outcome can occur.
Tormented TBS Producer Wonders Why 'Steve Harvey Show' Was First Thing Out Of Mouth During Game 6 Technical Difficulties #~# ATLANTA—Producer Greg Porto was unable to explain why on earth it occurred to him to air The Steve Harvey Show in place of the ALCS during a router failure at TBS headquarters in Atlanta. "I just—it just came out before I could stop it," said a visibly shaken Porto this past Saturday, wandering out of his building a full four innings before the game ended.
The Traditional Championship Game Mayor's Bet #~# It's a hallowed tradition for the mayors of cities represented in the championship game to make a wager as a show of their city's spirit and civic pride. Onion Sports looks at some of the best:
Tampa Bay Rays: "Fuck You, Cubs" #~# ST. PETERSBURG, FL—On the eve of their very first World Series appearance in a short 10-year team history, the Tampa Bay Rays took time Tuesday to acknowledge the Chicago Cubs' decades-long absence from the Fall Classic. 
All-Time Rays Great Evan Longoria Throws Out First Pitch Of World Series #~# ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Evan Longoria, the Tampa Bay legend who is widely acknowledged as the Rays' all-time greatest player, was celebrated by the franchise Wednesday when the rookie was given the honor of throwing out the ceremonial first pitch of the World Series. "I couldn't think of anyone more deserving than Evan, who is easily the most outstanding player in this team's storied 10-year history," Manager Joe Maddon said of Longoria, who played all six months of his career with the club. "Younger baseball fans might not realize it, but some day, say a year from now, they'll look back and remember when they saw the Rays honor the best to ever play a regular season with the team." After throwing out the first pitch, Longoria waved to the cheering crowd and jogged to his position at third base. 
Radio Interviewer Audibly Fellating Colt McCoy #~# AUSTIN, TX—Greg Streets, the commentator and host of The Longhorn Zone on Austin-area AM station Sports Radio 1480, could clearly be heard performing enthusiastic and vigorous oral sex upon Texas quarterback and Heisman trophy frontrunner Colt McCoy during an interview Wednesday. "So there are people, hmmmmmm ummmm nnf, saying that Oklahoma State will blitz and try to apply womm hnghh ulp more pressure on you this Saturday," Streets gasped wetly during the seven-minute puff piece which took up the central section of the 20-minute question-and-answer session. "Mmmmm hmmm oh. Oh my. Oh." McCoy made it clear during the interview that the Longhorns were concentrating on conference play, taking it one game at a time, and that being on top ain't gay.
Palin Charged Children's Travel To State #~# According to an investigation by the Associated Press, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska for trips her children took with her, later amending expense reports to describe their travel as official state business. What do you think? 
McCain Blasts Obama As Out Of Touch In Burma-Shave-Style Billboard Campaign #~# RAPID CITY, SD—John McCain escalated his attacks on Obama's leadership credentials Tuesday by endorsing a series of rhyming Burma-Shave-style billboards that accuse the Democratic presidential candidate of being out of touch with the current political landscape. "Barack Is Sipping/Fine Champagne/While U.S. Jobs/Go Down The Drain/ McCain '08," read the five consecutive 2-by-5-foot bright red wooden signs erected along a 1.5-mile stretch of South Dakota highway, emulating an advertising medium first popularized by the Burma-Vita Company in 1926 to sell brushless shaving cream. As a follow-up to the scathing roadside polemic, McCain announced plans to lampoon Obama's foreign policy inexperience in a short skit alongside comedian Bert Wheeler and the vivacious Dorothy Lee, to be seen on the late-night variety program Cavalcade Of Stars on the DuMont Television Network.
You Jeanketeers Could Have Said Something Earlier, You Know! #~# Know that old adage "You learn something new every day"? Well, I don't believe it's literally true; before this weekend, I, myself, had only learned two new things in the past month—that cold water is good for piecrusts, and where Victoria Principal is now (answer: in California promoting her skin care line). Instead, it only seems like you learn something new every day when that something you've learned is so mind-blowing that you wonder why you've never heard it before! For those of you without your Jeanese translators, here's what I mean.
Madonna's Rocky Romances #~# In the latest chapter of Madonna's romantic history, it was announced last week that she and director Guy Ritchie are going to get a divorce. Here are some highlights from Madonna's romantic past:
Dollar Bill On Floor Sends Wall Street Into Frenzy #~# NEW YORK—Wall Street investors experienced a sudden surge in optimism Tuesday when, after six tumultuous weeks that saw record drops in the Dow Jones industrial average, a $1 bill was spotted on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.
Zogby Poll: John Zogby Coolest Dude In America #~# WASHINGTON—In a poll taken by Zogby International, 100 percent of respondents agreed that American pollster John Zogby is the coolest dude in the United States of America, including Puerto Rico, Guam, and all of the other U.S. territories. The poll results were posted on Zogby.com all day Thursday and revealed that, of the 300 million citizens surveyed, John Zogby not only had the coolest friends, but was also easily the coolest guy in both high school and college. In addition, when Americans were asked who would be the one person they would most like to "hang" with if given the opportunity, every one of them responded with "John Zogby." The poll, a Zogby representative said, has a zero percent margin of error and is potentially one of the most awesome polls ever conducted.
When Life Gets You Down, Sometimes You Just Have To Make 'D4: The Mighty Ducks' Yourself #~# Life is unfair. That's just a fact. But when you've got no money and no family and it's been three years since Hollywood offered you a role in a film, you've got to ask yourself, "Am I going to sit here on the couch all day and wallow in self-pity, or am I going to get out there and make D4: The Mighty Ducks on my own?" Well, for me, the answer is simple: The Quack Attack is back, Jack!
Obama Advertising In Video Games #~# Barack Obama's presidential campaign has begun advertising in video games like Guitar Hero and Madden NFL 09 in the weeks before the election. What do you think?
Lawyers Charge Too Much #~# Well, folks, things have gotten considerably worse.
Powerful Special Interest Group Momentarily Blanks On Agenda #~# FAIRFAX, VA—After nearly 150 years spent unapologetically advocating for a single, unifying issue, the National Rifle Association—one of the nation's most influential special interest groups—momentarily blanked on its entire political agenda Monday. "I am here to tell you today that we really, really care about this subject, and that we'd probably be willing to die for it. Is it abortion? No, that's not it," spokesman Michael Loomis said during a rally held at the NRA headquarters firing range. "I am totally blanking here. It's, 'Something, something, cold dead hand,' right? Gah! It's on the tip of my tongue!" The NRA's memory lapse comes on the heels of last week's PETA march on Washington, during which the organization was briefly unable to recall its stance on the ruthless murder of helpless animals for their fur.
Area Boy Enters Jumping-And-Touching-Tops-Of-Doorways Phase #~# BROOKINGS, SD—Local 11-year-old Dylan Adams entered the stage in childhood development Wednesday in which a boy feels the uncontrollable desire to run, jump, and touch the top of every doorframe he encounters. "It is perfectly natural for young males to start exhibiting a tendency to touch things that are slightly higher than they can reach from a normal standing position," child psychologist Gerald Bakerfield said. "In many cases, the child is experimenting with his newfound ability to make his own choices, whether that means jumping to touch ceilings, street signs, or low-hanging tree branches." Bakerfield added that Adams would soon progress from the jumping-and-touching-doorways phase to the crossing-your-arms-over-your-chest-turning-around-and-pawing-at-the-back-of-your-own-shoulders-to-make-it-seem-like-you're-making-out-with-someone phase.
Powell Endorses Obama #~# On Meet the Press this Sunday, former Bush cabinet member Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. What do you think? 
Plastic Surgeon General Warns Of Small Breasts Epidemic #~# BEVERLY HILLS, CA—According to a report released Monday by U.S. plastic surgeon general Dr. Louis T. Saddler, an alarming number of American women are suffering from dangerously small breasts.
Man's Alcoholism Getting A Little Out Of Hand #~# FAIRFIELD, OH—Friends and family of unemployed construction worker Brian Roberts announced Tuesday that the 36-year-old's habitual and dangerous over-consumption of alcohol was starting to become slightly unmanageable. "I understand having the compulsive need to drink nine cans of beer alone at night, but I'm beginning to think Brian should tone it down a bit," brother Kevin Roberts said. "I mean, there's nothing wrong with being a raging alcoholic on the weekends, and on Wednesdays and Thursdays, but being an out-of-control alcoholic every night? That's just not healthy." According to drinking buddy Mike Turner, Roberts' alcohol abuse has ruined numerous relationships of late, as he has started drinking himself to death at home instead of coming out to drink himself to death with friends.
Starr Asks Fans Not To Write #~# Saying he no longer has time to respond, drummer Ringo Starr announced that he would not accept any more fan mail or objects to be signed after Oct. 20. What do you think? 
Dream About You Not Sexual, Coworker Reports #~# BURLINGTON, VT—In an impromptu conversation held in the elevator of your office building Monday, coworker Andrew Pagano announced that he had a dream about you the previous night. In the moments following the announcement, Pagano added that he "just thought you'd find that funny" before assuring you that the dream wasn't what you're thinking. 
John McCain Not Going To Ask Cindy McCain Twice #~# WASHINGTON—While traveling on his campaign bus yesterday, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) took a moment to forcefully reiterate his official position of not asking wife Cindy McCain a second time. After referring to his history as a "straight-talker" and a man who has been "to hell and back" as a POW in Vietnam, McCain explained that his simple request was both clear and reasonable and ought to be easy enough to carry out. As silent reporters looked on, McCain then stressed that he has been consistent on this issue every single day of their long, 28-year marriage, smiled, and placed his hand firmly on his wife's left knee, looking her directly in the eyes the whole time. At press time, the campaign bus was turning around to head back to the goddamn McDonald's drive-thru.
All Larry King's Men #~# CNN
Study Finds No Logical Reason Why Planes Fly #~# PALO ALTO, CA—According to a recent study conducted by a team of physicists at Stanford University, there is no logical explanation why airplanes are able to fly through the air. "We understand the concepts of 'lift' and 'thrust,' but airplanes weigh like 800,000 pounds," head researcher Gabe Koplowitz said. "How does a huge metal tube just float up there in the sky without falling? And it's not even 'floating,' really, even though it looks like it is, because it's going 500 mph. Which means that when I'm sitting in an airplane, I'm actually going 500 mph, too. Me, Gabe Koplowitz. Jesus, how come we all don't vomit or have our hair blow back?" The study posited a number of potential theories to explain the phenomenon, including wind propulsion, suspension of gravity, and the possibility that clouds "pull" the plane skyward. The Stanford team plans to devote the next two years to a new study on why telephones hear.
Southern Sheriff Pulls Over Obama Campaign Bus For Broken Taillight #~# FOXWORTH, MS—Despite obeying the posted speed limit and having all inspection, registration, and insurance documentation up to date, Sen. Barack Obama's campaign bus was stopped for nearly four hours by Marion County deputy sheriff Dewey Clutter while en route to a Jackson, MS speech, sources reported Tuesday.
Gmail Offers Drunk E-Mail Protection #~# Gmail now provides an optional series of questions to make sure users are relatively sober before sending an e-mail. What do you think? 
Dirty Sexy Money #~# ABC
Man Dives Haphazardly Into Conversation Like Wounded Osprey #~# BLOOMFIELD, CT—Local man Alan Heller, 37, hovered near a gathering of acquaintances for 30 seconds and then plunged haphazardly into their conversation, much like an osprey with a clipped wing and poor depth perception that spirals wildly into the sea. Heller reportedly saw the group engaged in a discussion, circled twice when he thought he recognized something on the surface of the conversation, and then dove in with the suddenness and lack of grace characteristic of severely injured diurnal sea hawks, asking those around him if they were indeed talking about popcorn. "It was sad to watch," said Amy Messer, who witnessed the pathetic event. "Why didn't anyone put him out of his misery?"
Law Allows Abandoning Teens #~# A Nebraska law designed to protect newborns and infants has instead allowed parents to abandon children up to age 19 at hospitals. What do you think?
Paranoid Kicker Thinks Team Purposely Scored Touchdown So He Couldn't Mess Up Field Goal #~# HOUSTON—Texans team sources said placekicker Kris Brown exhibited signs of paranoia Monday when the 31-year-old repeatedly insisted that his team had scored a last-second go-ahead touchdown against the Dolphins to avoid letting him screw up a field goal attempt. "There wasn't much time left in the game, we were trailing, it was only three yards out, and I had already warmed up by kicking the ball into my net many times," said Brown, adding that he has always felt that the Texans do not trust, respect, or like him. "That's a classic game-winning field goal situation, so I told Coach I was ready to go. But he just shook his head, put his clipboard in front of his face, mumbled something into his headset, and had Matt Schaub run it in for the win. That's just callous." Head coach Gary Kubiak was unable to console Brown despite pointing out that the team had been losing by five points and that field goals, although very good things, only count for three.
Sports And The Faltering Economy #~# The world of sports was in financial trouble even before last week's market woes. Onion Sports runs down some of the ways teams and leagues are coping:
B.J. Upton Always Dreamed Of Winning Game 2 Of ALCS With Shallow Sac Fly #~# ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Tampa Bay Rays centerfielder B.J. Upton hit a game-winning sacrifice fly to short right field Saturday to defeat the Boston Red Sox in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series, the same scenario Upton said he used to play over and over in his head while growing up in Norfolk, VA. "It's every little boy's dream," Upton told reporters. "You're in your backyard pretending it's Game 2 of the ALCS, you're up to bat, you call your shot—a dinky fly ball directly to the right fielder— and after you barely make contact with the baseball, you jog to first base knowing that the imaginary outfielder will easily catch your pop-up for the out. Then you just stand there and watch as the ball gets thrown to the opposing team's catcher, only for the runner tagging up at third to beat the tag, not because the fly ball you hit was deep enough, but because the runner is pretty fast. And then you join your imaginary teammates at home plate celebrating. I mean, those are the types of situations we play for." Upton later said that he hopes one day to fulfill his other dream of being on deck when one of his teammates hits a single in the fourth inning of Game 6 of the divisional playoffs. 
Tony Womo Out Three To Four Weeks With Bwoken Widdle Fingey #~# DAWWAS—Cowboys medical personnel confirm that quawterback Tony Womo injured his thwowing hand in last week's 30-24 loss to the Arizona Cardinals and is expected to miss the next month after suffewing a sevewy bwoken wight pinkie-winkie.
Nation's Dads Find That Frank Caliendo Guy Pretty Funny #~# SHELTON, CT—According to those sitting in the same room as their fathers during MLB postseason games on TBS, the nation's dads have been both impressed and amused by Frank TV promos in which comedian Frank Caliendo performs impersonations of politicians and celebrities. "Let me tell you, he's got George W. Bush down pretty good," said local dad Gerry DiCenzo, 54, who smiled throughout a 30-second spot in which Caliendo sang "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" as Bush, Robert DeNiro, Dr. Phil, and John Madden. DiCenzo emitted a contented chuckle upon the ad's conclusion. "I like it when he does Seinfeld, and then he walks onto the same screen and does George at the same time. It's pretty clever." Despite enjoying the commercials, the nation's dads said they have no plans to actually watch the full show once it begins airing on Oct. 21.
2-3 Miami Dolphins Enjoying Magical Season #~# HOUSTON—The Miami Dolphins' magical ride continued on Sunday, as the worse-to-worst-to-somewhat-better team celebrated a loss by only one point to the lowly Houston Texans, taking its record to 2-3. 
T.J. Houshmandzadeh Enjoys Ordering "The Houshmandzadeh" Just To See What Waiter Brings #~# CINCINNATI—Sitting at an Italian eatery with a plate full of Houshmandzadeh (ravioli verde stuffed with prosciutto and mushroom and topped with a light Alfredo sauce), Bengals wide receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh told reporters Wednesday that he often orders his last name at different restaurants to see what dish the waiter brings to his table. "I love the Houshmandzadeh at sushi places, because fried conger eel and nori seaweed really hits the spot," said Houshmandzadeh, who later recommended diners try the Houshmandzadeh at Lebanese restaurants, but with baba ghanoush instead of hummus. "I will say the only time I ever regretted ordering it was at a Mexican place, as the prawns were spicier than I thought they would be." At press time, Houshmandzadeh was at a Cincinnati Dairy Queen eating a butterscotch Blizzard with Kit Kat bars mixed in. 
Mayday! Mayday! McCain Is Going Down! #~# The election is heating up! As readers of this blog know, even though I do not live in America, I have been following the race pretty closely, and am rooting for my dear old friend John McCain. If he wins, I will be the most popular former torturer in all of Vietnam!
No One Else But You Invited To Creepy Dave's Debate Party #~# TEMPE, AZ—In a development that will soon leave you feeling uncomfortable and slightly scared, sources have reported that you, and only you, have been invited to that weirdo Dave Morton's presidential debate-watching party tonight. Although you have been looking forward to having a few beers, engaging in heated political debates with a group of friends, and maybe meeting some hot, activist girls all week, the so-called party will primarily entail Dave wordlessly watching you eat the taco dip you will bring, nodding at everything you say and intermittently dry heaving when McCain says "my friends." Even taking into account Dave's sudden outburst of sobbing upon the conclusion of the debates, this will reportedly not be the creepiest debate party you have ever attended, as that honor still rightfully belongs to a 2004 debate-watching party attended by only yourself and Dennis Kucinich.
Poll: 85% Of Americans Would Like To See Candidates Compete In Funny Obstacle Course #~# WASHINGTON—According to a USA Today–Gallup poll released Monday, as many as 85 percent of Americans strongly wish to see Sens. Barack Obama and John McCain race through a gauntlet of comically ludicrous hazards and encumbrances sometime before Nov. 4. "Voters want to know how Obama's poise compares with McCain's experience, specifically when racing to pick the flag out of a giant foam nose," political analyst and Gallup pollster Brian Garfield said. "It has been a grueling nominating season, and now the American people want to see the candidates prove their mettle in a gigantic syrup moat. If they react the wrong way under pressure—say, on some sort of gravy slide or human-size hamster wheel—the results could be hilarious." At press time, neither candidate had comment, as they were both being zipped into sumo suits.
The Imminent Collapse Of Global Markets Is No Reason To Skimp On Four-Season Gutter Protection #~# I know you're worried about the economy. Hell, we all are. You don't need to be some kind of financial guru to know that things are looking pretty grim. Banks are folding, unemployment is on the rise, and people are worried about their retirement plans. Sure, it's rough right now, but we're a nation of fighters. We've been through this before and we'll get through it again, with our heads held high and our gutters protected year-round.
October Surprises In History #~# Many elections have been altered by an "October surprise," or a sudden revelation that casts one candidate in a bad light. Here are some of the more memorable October surprises from years past:
Bush Calls For Panic #~# WASHINGTON—In a nationally televised address to the American people Wednesday night, President Bush called upon every man, woman, and child to spiral uncontrollably downward into complete and utter panic.
'I Am Under 18' Button Clicked For First Time In History Of Internet #~# CHINO, CA—In an unprecedented and historic event Monday, the "I Am Under 18" button, an Internet security device which if selected restricts access to websites featuring adult content, was clicked for the first time ever. "I knew I could simply claim to be over 18 and continue onto my desired destination, but I also realized that I would have to live with that lie for the rest of my life," said local resident Garrett Kinley, 17. "I admit, I was curious to see what type of material I would find on www.juggworld.com, but that button was clearly placed there for a reason, and let's face it: 17 and three-quarters is not 18. I plan to return to the site three months from now, when I will be mature enough to handle its content." Moments later, Kinley's friend Dave Gerrard, 17, pushed Kinley aside and clicked the "I Am Over 18" button himself, at which point a tactical police unit broke down his bedroom door and arrested him.
British Corpses Piling Up #~# British undertakers are refusing to bury the dead until bereaved families receive delayed government support payments. What do you think? 
Barack Obama's And Manuela Fonetcilla's Race Problem Or Whatever Her Problem Is #~# Sorry it's been awhile, guys, but that Media Studies project took FOREVER because my partner, Faith Napier, didn't do ANYTHING at all, and I had to make that commercial all by myself. UGGH. Here's some advice for the candidates: If your running mate dies or drops out, don't pick Faith Napier!
Cool McCain Supporter Wears 'McCain 2000' Shirt To Campaign Speech #~# COLUMBUS, OH—According to attendees at a rally held in Columbus' Capitol Theatre Monday, a John McCain supporter in his early 30s was envied and admired by onlookers for wearing an original navy blue "McCain 2000" T-shirt with a peeling logo, frayed neckline, and several holes in the sleeves. "When I saw his shirt, I was like, 'No way! That's totally vintage!'" said 24-year-old David Bennett, noting that it was not a pre-distressed "McCain 2000" shirt like the ones available at Urban Outfitters. "This guy's been a McCain fan since the beginning. He said the campaign kickoff speech in Nashua in '99 was fucking mind-blowing." Sources reported that the hip McCain backer knew all the words to the Arizona senator's speeches, and silently mouthed McCain's entire energy policy while waving a cigarette lighter.
And If You Direct Your Attention To The X-Axis, You'll Find I Have No Idea What I'm Talking About #~# In today's class, we'll be exploring the following principles: First, the Pythagorean theorem. Second, the reciprocal relationship between sine and cosine. And third, logarithmic functions and how they relate to me not having a damn clue what I've just said. 
Palin Claims Innocence Despite Report #~# Responding to a report which said that she broke ethics laws in trying to have an Alaska state trooper fired, Gov. Sarah Palin said the report cleared her of unlawful or unethical activity. What do you think?
Bloody 'ell! Voter Registration Deadlines Are Nearly 'ere! #~# Why 'ello, 'ello! I've found an empty sack of flour what to write on, and not a moment too soon. Mr. Greystone 'as just informed me that, across the pond, the fat 'as really hit the fryer —the Americans finish their last month before the big vote! After 'e said that, Mr. Greystone said an 'ole mess of things about registering and polling districts, but I didn't 'ear a word. I just couldn't stop thinking about that delicious fat 'e mentioned. Mmmm…what I wouldn't give to 'ave a nice morsel of fat to chew on for supper. I'd 'ave some now and, if'n it was big enough for two meals, I'd save the rest for Christmas Day. Or per'aps I'd use a corner of it to trap a rat, what to train 'im to be my friend always and forever.
900-Pound Giant Squid Joins Cast Of 'The View' #~# NEW YORK—The View, a daytime talk show featuring a panel of women who discuss current events and topical issues, has found its newest cohost—a 53-foot-long giant squid.
Scott Bakula Jumps Into McCain's Body Just Before Election #~# WASHINGTON—With Republican nominee John McCain continuing to flounder at the polls, the unknown force that orders the universe announced yesterday that Scott Bakula has entered the body of the struggling Arizona senator in order to "help him out of a real jam."
Financial Planner Advises Shorter Life Span #~# TUCSON, AZ—After reviewing his client's income, assets, and personal budget Tuesday, Morgan Stanley financial adviser Henry Dalton determined that Jason Hutchinson, 43, could make the best use of his portfolio by dropping dead at the age of 62. "Taking account of inflation and the rising cost of living versus the projected direction of the economy in the coming decade, I told Mr. Hutchinson that he could significantly reduce his spending by simply living less," Dalton said. "After looking at his investments, I calculated that he really shouldn't live a day over 62—or 59 if he wants a funeral." In order to help his client plan for his financial future, Dalton presented Hutchinson with several of the company's comprehensive suicide packages.
U.S. Debt Outgrows Debt Clock #~# The national debt has surpassed $10 trillion, thereby exceeding the 13 digits the National Debt Clock in New York's Times Square. What do you think? 
The Anti-Obama Attack Campaign Is Developing, And So am I! #~#   Yes! Finally, the McCain-Palin ticket is coming out swinging.  I may only be an undifferentiated mass of cellular tissue, but even I could predict that as November got closer, they were finally going to go on the offensive, and boy oh boy, they did not disappoint me! For the last week, Palin has gone ballistic about Barack Hussein and his connections to crazed bomber 60s radicals.
The Suspense! It's Killing Me!! #~# Well, well, my old friend John McCain, the election is only weeks away and I for one can barely stand the suspense! I am on the edge of my seat—not unlike how you used to be when I forced you into that special, narrow bamboo cage for weeks on end. And as the election gets closer, Johnny, I’m pulling for you—pulling like how I did with your hair, your American hands tied behind your back, your face dragging underwater through all those rice paddies!
Obama Under Fire For Playing T-Ball During Vietnam #~# WASHINGTON—At a press conference on Monday, members of the Vietnam Veterans Alliance blasted Democratic nominee Barack Obama for his failure to serve in the Southeast Asian war that ended 33 years ago, alleging that during the conflict the candidate frequently engaged in games of T-ball. "While our boys were dying in Vietnam, Barack Obama was running around a little league field, laughing and having fun without a care in the world," VVA spokesman James Lowry said. "John McCain left his wife and three children behind and fought bravely, but I guess Sen. Obama decided that practicing cursive and learning how to ride a bike was just more important than defending his country in her hour of need. I bet he wasn't even able to point out Vietnam on a map." Lowry later speculated that if Obama had been sent over to fight in the conflict, he probably would have peed his pants and cried for his mommy as soon as he touched down in Saigon.
Much-Criticized Media Vows To Return To Softball Tactics #~# WASHINGTON—Having endured weeks of pointed criticism over their aggressive questions, research-based analyses, and recent tendency to reference the candidates' actual records, America's political journalists vowed Monday to return to their long-standing tradition of lobbing meaningless questions and admiring remarks at this year's presidential and vice presidential nominees. 
No Luck In Muscatine #~# Well, things have been heating up again in the Hawkeye State where Barack Obama has at least a nine-point lead in the polls, due in equal parts to hard campaigning and an understaffed McCain campaign. So I figured hey, if Obama's the man of the hour, I should probably gas up the trusty Davidson's catering truck and make the trip to Muscatine where the Democratic candidate had stopped to make his pitch. If he won't come to Davidson's family restaurant, I thought, then why not bring Davidson's down home cooking right to him? And with all that local media there, it seemed like it would have been a regular P.R. coup for me, right?
Obama Clinches 'Joe Cabernet Sauvignon' Vote #~# WASHINGTON—Following a strong performance by the Democratic nominee in Tuesday's presidential debate, political analysts overwhelmingly agree that Sen. Barack Obama has all but clinched the much-sought-after "Joe Cabernet Sauvignon" voting bloc. "Once again, Obama has proved his ability to speak directly to all the regular truffle-oil-guzzlin', Nabokov-readin', opera-attendin' folks who play such an important part in deciding this election," MSNBC commentator Chris Matthews said of the Illinois senator's strong connection with the nation's hardworking gallery owners, literary critics, and gourmet-cheese purveyors. "His strong rapport with the average haut monde Joseph could tip the scales Nov. 4." Sen. John McCain's recent attempts to reach out to this constituency by wearing an elegant silk ascot were not well received, having been described in most quarters as "pandering of the most contemptuous variety."
Our Nation's Prisons Are A Shambles #~# Life is funny sometimes. One day, you're outside enjoying your freedom at the local courts, taking in a nice game of J.V. ladies' basketball, and then – just like that – you get hauled off to court, convicted of some ridiculous crime* and tossed into some rat trap like a common criminal.
Congress Can't Remember Last Time It Got Together And Legislated Like This #~# WASHINGTON—In the midst of negotiating the largest economic bailout ever proposed, congressional leaders agreed Friday that the chaos and volatility of the past week has rekindled a sense of excitement for legislation many had thought lost forever.
Historical Archives: John Jameson's Miracle Concoction #~# A PROVEN SOLUTION FOR:
Historical Archives: Sing Ho! For the KING of Broil'd MEATS #~# As he doth Celebrate the OPENING for BUS-INESS, 
Historical Archives: Hy-Genic Apportionment Of Remaining Paper #~# Hy-Genic apportionment of remaining paper provided for the READER for the dis-infecting, scouring, and purging of the Far-Quarters.
Historical Archives: By Many On-Lookers And Passers-Bye, Seen To Depart Out Mortal Vale In A Boothe #~# By many on-lookers and Passers-Bye, SEEN to Depart out mortal Vale in a BOOTHE, so cunningly Artificed as to Collapse and Vanish entire into the Aether, were traveling Gentles William S. Preston, Esq., & Theodore Logan, though whence they came and whereto they Travel, none may Say.
Historical Archives: Two Feared Dead In Near-By Child-Birth #~# Two SOULS have been struck DEAD, and their Bodies bereft of Divine Breath, and left mouldering where they lay, in Roanoke, the sad but not surprising Aftermath of an incident of CHILD-BIRTH.
Historical Archives: Kid-ney Bean Shaped Organ Recently Discovered #~# By Chirurgeons and Blood-Letters, in Boston DISCOVER'D, an Organelle of the Body, an' that Human; excis'd from the Back & Mottl'd Purple in Colour, and very like a Kiddney-Bean in SHAPE, which when Remov'd causes Expiration, as with all Organs.
Historical Archives: Immoral Woodcut Discovered In Hay Loft #~# By Constabulary SEIZED, upon its being found in a Hay-Wain's-Loft, a most Immoral and corruptatious WOOD-CUT, de-pickting a LADYE, whose Ankle was more than Partially expos'd, and the damn'd Wanton shewn as Aware of her State, and e'en stroking it, to the shame of the very World.
Historical Archives: To Be Sold - Two Chamber Pot House #~# Luxury shall not be outside your hearth but inside with a TWO CHAMBER-POT HOUSE. No more shall your Unmentionable Parts suffer discomfort from frigid conditions because your Chamber-Pot is occupied by a suff'rer of the Piles. Live like the ROYALS. Comes with a Window through which you can empty your chamber-pots. Also with a Fire-place, a root-cellar for storage of your winter victuals, and a space for bedding down
Historical Archives: A Most Drunken John Adams Makes The Promise To "Put" Man Upon The Moon #~# In PHILADELPHIA, comes News that John ADAMS, an esteem'd AUTHOR of the fundamental DECLARATION of our INDEPENDENCE, has once again taken up, in the name of nation'l PRIDE, a great CAUSE; an' that after taking up the Cause of Exploration, along with a tun of best Brandy, and a Caske of Ale, and a Caraff of Wine, and a brimming Flaggon of Meade, and another Caske of Ale, and atop that a Caske of Ale half-finish'd; and made the bold proclaim-ation that a MAN, and that man being main Free, under the Laws of our great Countrie, should be Placed upon the august grey Face of The MOON; and should stride around thereabouts, and plant a FLAGGE; and for reasons Inexplicable to all but this Father of our Nation, also play at a Game of bat-and-wickets thereupon. 
Historical Archives: A Puzzle For The Mind #~# It Is Your Taske To Place The Symbols In The Correct Order.
Historical Archives: A Jest For You #~# First Man: My brother Jeremiah believes himself to be a Chicken.
Historical Archives: Dances You May Wish To Try #~# T>he Toe-Point: The Lower Digits will be flexed to and froe in modest frequency, in keeping with the Tempo. A dramatic Dance suitable only for Weddings and the Winnings of Wars.
Historical Archives: Opera Lyrics Blamed For Recent Spate Of Regicides #~# Poisoned with a chalice of Arsenic as he feasted, the recent passing of Danish monarch KING FREDERICK has brought to a light a most Disturbing trend across the great Atlantic. That of young and impressionable listeners of OPERA MUSICK being stirred to commit Dreadful Regicide! Indeed, these villainous compositions with their treacherous Lyricks and Adult Themes have corrupted many a defense-less youth, promising as they Echo through the Ears, the Mind, and the Very Soul, a false bounty of untold riches and fame. By glorify-ing and making attractive the ACT OF REGICIDE, these Sinful Operettas, composed no doubt by Satan himself, have been responsible for a large number of Crimes in the last two and twenty weeks. 
Why Will No-One Take My Idea For The Tele-Vision Seriously? #~# Ex-Tractus from a Letter, by one Ben'j Franklin, Dilettante, Meddler In Affairs Foreign & Domestick, late of PHILADELPHIA, presently Ambassador to our great Allie, Courageux FRANCE. 
Historical Archives: Last Month's Weather #~# In the PRIOR one twelfth of the LORD's Year, the CONDITIONS of Atmospheric PHENOMENA in regards to the Meteorologickal state as determined by the arts and studies of Barometricks and diligent Observation established the SKYES had been partially obscured by clouds.
Historical Archives: Weekley Duel Results #~# Editted for Length.
Historical Archives: Civil War Pre-Enactors Have Stage'd "Battle of Bull Run" #~# By CIVIL WAR enthusiasts PRESAGED and PRE-ENACTED, in Manassas, Virginia, the Battle of Bull Runne, which in a mere eight Decades, shall be Shewn as the first Great Battle of a WAR Between the STATES; Accurate was the Depiction, even of Things not yet Invented, such as the Sharps RIFLE, and the man from ILLINOIS, and the Long PANTS; and Greatly were the Pre-Enactors Enthused, and asked all to always Premember the sad Day yet to come, when our Nation was rent asunder and Brother will fight Brother, an' pray it never happen Again, excepting in 78 Years, when it should Come to Pass in order to Avoid a Temp'ral PARADOX.
Historical Archives: To-day In American History #~# In TENNESSEE, famed United States Senator and long-time Governor of Louisiana, Henry JOHNSON, will be born later To-day.
Historical Archives: A Salt Cake Recipe #~# A Salt Cake Recipe.
Historical Archives: A Mischievous Woman Wander'd Outside Of Home #~# The gentle town of HARRISBURG was confronted with a most Worrisome and Shocking sight the day before last, one owing to the sudden appearance of Wyfe and Child-Bearer MARGARET COOK from the Interior of her Home. Defying all Reason, COOK was observ'd to exit into the Open Air, though no Man had instruct'd her to do so, no Domestik Task required her to be out of doors, and no sign of Suffocating Fire had surfaced from her modest Dwelling. On-lookers, their Scalps scratch'd raw by the confusion, said that COOK set forth unaccompanied into Towne, as if that were an entirely Natural act, and in no way Suspicious or HIGHLY DISTURBING. Upon reaching the center of Towne, COOK's behavior only grew more troubl'ng, once meeting the gaze of a Butcher as though he were an Equal, twice stopping to read a Windowe-Notice, and four times allowing her countenance to rise upward and express an emotion that could only be described as Satisfaction. It is also fear'd that during her Journey, the Mischievous Woman, paused hither and thither, and in a manner suit-able only to those of the masculine persuasion, began to make pointed Observations and formulate Opinions of Her Own Mind! 
Historical Archives: New Whimsical Tune Helps Drown Out Cries Of Anguish #~# Through the Grace of GOD our Father, Reports have found their way through the dense Wilds of the OHIO COUNTRY, that a Singing-Tune, possibly of African Origin, but none the less appropriat'd by Flat Boat Men and pleasingly modifi'd for those of a paler Complecktion, up lifts the Spirits and extracts Joy from Listeners in the immediate Vicinity, rousing e'en those curtain'd in the blackest Misery. No longer should the Deaths of lov'd Ones by Child Birth, the Wasting-Away, the Greek Scourge, or the Head Cold weigh heavy on the Mind, provided a Fife and Juwe's Harp is with in Arm's Reach. No, once the Melodie descends upon the Ears, a furious Urge to clap the Hands, dance the Feet, bare the Teeth, and make Merry takes Hold, and it shall not relinquish its Grip until its final Strains fade. In Deed, those with Ability in Music Playing observe that the over all Feeling of Mirth only intensifies as the Tempo of the Tune is increas'd, until All present are work'd into a Frenzy. The Tune, which is SIMPLICITY IT SELF, is easily recall'd enough that one may whistle it when going to fetch Water, or to carry a sick Cow up Hill, and there fore lessen any Burden. Though the Lyricks of the Tune are said to change with virtually ev'ry Rendition, most appear to give at least partial Reference to a native Fowl who beds in dri'd Grass. 
Historical Archives: Will New York Someday Be Too Crowded For Farming? #~# An Issue even more worry-some to experts is the reduced acreage of cleared forest available for farming within the City limits. It is a well known Fact that no urban community can survive with out an agricultural base on which to found the City's infra-structure. Already, plots of Farm-land in Lower New York City have grown smaller as more Acreage is used for Housing. What will become of the City if there is no room left in it to Farm crops? Said one wag "What are Manhattanites to do for Food if they cannot growe it? Have it shipped in from New Jersey?" A hum'rous Jest, to be sure, but in all Seriousness it is a Concern that must be dealt with, before o'er-crowding in New York, gets out of Control. If this be Progresse, then may God save the lot of us.
Historical Archives: Only Thirteen Thousand Acres Of Forest Remaining On Manhattan Island #~# Some have propos'd a radickal and, some may even saye, DRASTICK measure, of securing a parcel of "greens-space," designated as "off-of-Limits" to additional development, as a sort of "Centralized Park," and that lands in the City's middle part, between Rector Street and Wall Street, be placed under this Protecktion. Although most agree that such a Plan is an over-reaction, for surely, even in the worst of future cases, New York is un-likely to expand past the area of the Trinity Church, the Question of how much acreage of Forest the Island Manhattan can maintain is never the less a serious one.
Historical Archives: "Urban Sprawling" So Severe, Settlement's Cooking-Fires Can Be Seen From As Far As Greenwich Village #~# According to reports from those living out side the boundaries of the great Metropolis, in the far-off Village of Greenwich, the expansion of New York City has accelerat'd to such a great Extent that one has merely to climb a nearby Tree-top, to see the cooking-fires and smoke of the New-Yorkers, which grow in brightness and Heate with each passing Yeare. Further, there are Stories of Houses being construct'd in such proximity to existing Houses that residents have invented "Curtains" to obscure the view of the nightly Goings On of the resident from view. And still, more New Yorkers are born every Daye, necessitating the cutting down of more and more of Manhattan Island's forested Wilder-ness, that these Fyres may be fuel'd, and Houses for these growing Families be built.
Historical Archives: M. Webster’s New “Dictionary” Shall Burden Us With A Tyranny Of Words #~# Be it Known, that the Scoundrel & Cat-A-Mite who goes by the Monniker of Noah WEBSTER, is presently at Work on the most Infernal and D——d of Bookes, that being a Dictionary, or a Sort of Primer or Manual, for the Spelling and Usage of the Written Worrd. It is, of Corse, Plain to all Rationnel Foulk that need’d we an Ary for our Diction, the LORD GODD HIM SELF would have design’d us One. For our Lingua Franca, Heven-decreed as it is, be meant to remane as Free as the Rivver-Curant or the Clowds; and this pompuss, detestible New-England School Marm should be a-Sham’d to assume he is more Qualliflied than his Fellow Man to instruck the Englysh Langguige & defy the Lord’s Will with a pryggish Parlour-Game such as This. What is More, asks the Founding Editing-Master of this News Gazette, How is One Suppos’d To “Look-Up” A Word, to use the curious Parlence of the Dictionarists, when One does not even know how it is Spelt any How? Mark well these Words, Meny a Sensible young Scholar shall pose this Same Question to their Grammer-Profesors in the Countrie’s Leurning-Academyes for Ages to come.
Historical Archives: New York Threatened By O'er-Crowding As Population Climbs To Twelve Thousands #~# A great Worrye gripps the Metropolis of New Yorke, fmrly, New Amsterdam, from which we should all take cautionary Instrucktion, that we might stop this dangerous Trend, before Disaster and Catastrophe be-fall us. I speak of the Danger of "O'er-Crowding"—a new term, invent'd by the Scholars of the Social Sciences, to describe a new Problem recently made manifest in our Cities and Townes. I will explain this phenomenon in the manner of Science: Through Coupling and Immigration, a massive Growthe of Population, in a short Time, creates more People. When these People, owing to Sloth &c;, do not move on to new lands, it creates Living Conditions of un-speakable jostling, bumping, and even Elbow-touching, which no man can escape.
Historical Archives: Owls Deemed Arse-Holes #~#  Owls Deemed Arse-Holes
Historical Archives: 14 Are Killed In 6-Hour-Long Schoolhouse Musket Shooting #~# SHOTTEN DEAD, in a school house in Western VIRGINIA, over the course of Six HOURS, by a Musket-wielding Gun-Man, were 14 Students, may GOD rest their Souls, and may He damn for-ever their fellow Student, an' him sore vexed in the Heade, who measured forth powder, and prymer, and cut Wadding, and rammed home the leaden Ball atop the Charge, and set match a-smoulder, ignoring entreaties for Mercy and Pitie during the five-to-seven Minute Periods of reloading requir'd to Dispatch his VICKTIMS; and who, once all were Struck Down, shot also himself, after a twenty-five minute Flurrie of Suicidal Activity and a Search for a fork'd Stick that might reach the Triggre.
Historical Archives: Benedict Arnold Is A Modern Day's Anthony Babington #~# RESOLV'D
Historical Archives: Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want #~# In their infinite Wisdom and Compassion, the Founders of our Young Republic have seen fit to bestow upon we Americans, the Wise and Enlightened Sons of the Re-Formation, the Religious Freedom to practise with out re-percussion, any of the number of austere and unbending Denominations, of PROTESTANTISM that We might choose in the Service of Honouring JESUS CHRIST, our One Lord and Saviour. Be you Anglican, Baptist, Anabaptist, Puritan, or even Pietist, then worry not in regard to having weighty Stones of sharp points cast upon your Person, or your Land salted and your Mule burnt to the ground as is done to the hooked-nose JEW, and allay your fears of being beat'n about the Head and Boddie, covered in Quick-lime, Tarr, and Ground-Glass, and driven into the Sea, as is the much deserv'd Lot of the wicked PAPIST. You, good Protestant, are proteckted in your faith as much as you are assur'd a place in the Kingdom of HEAVEN. Unless you are Calvinist, in Which case this just and equitable Nation, is your Earthly reward until such time as you burn for ETERNITY in the sulf'rus and all-Consuming Fires of HELL, as was Predestin'd by the Event of your Birth. Howe'er, the pious Mohammeden or Muslimic Adherent need not cower in Feare from the vengeful and fiery Sword of Archangel Uriel as wield'd by the LORD'S humble Protestant servants, for though his Customs and manner of Worship may seem strange, his is a good faith, bearing some resemblances to CHRISTIANITY, and the Arabe shall never be at odds with our Nation's righteous Doctrines, nor wish any grievous harm to befall our belov'd AMERICA.
Historical Archives: Great God, The Stenche #~# CHRIST on His golden Throne above, it does smell.
Historical Archives: Local Black-Smith is Disappointed By Son's Wishes To Be-Come a Wheel-Wright #~# As a veritable Flood of Waggons continues to stir the Muck of our Thorough Fares, and the Traffick there of makes great Demand for the bespok'd Wheel, many a Lad is being tempt'd from the honest Heat of the Forge and Anvil to the licentious Cool of the Chop-Stump & Spoke-Shave by the Promise of ready Lucre. So testifi'd one Smith, Mr. Smith, as mighty as Hephaestus him Self, a Man who toils Day & Night under the spreading Chest Nut Tree, who, when inform'd that his own Son, verily wean'd on a Pair of Tongs, was lured away from his Duties as Bellows-Monkey upon learning he could earn as much as one Buck Skin Dollar a Year, rais'd a sinewy Fore Arm to the Heavens, and condemn'd the Wheel Wright Profession as errant Wool Gathering; for the Waggon Wheel is but a cheap jack Novelty, a Passing Fancy soon on its way Out, where as Horses, Mules, Asses, &c.; are in great Abundance, and are e'er in Need of Shoes, Bits, & Stirrup-Pins, &c.;
Historical Archives: Popular Hymns heard sung of late. #~# "O, O, O Lord, O, O".
Historical Archives: Humor In Shackles #~# Thunderous peals of Laughter were heard the night before last when indentured Servant GEORGE was witnessed to proclaim, "Masters, am I not also a God-fearing Man? Do I not walk and talk and feel as you do? Is the love I know for my Children not unlike the love you know for yours?" So entertaining was this Mongrel Speech that owner Jeremiah Cooper lashed GEORGE a meager five and twenty times for his Misconduct. He later died from wounds sustained therein.
Historical Archives: New Daily News, Paper Makes Mockery Of Seven-Day News Cycle #~# It is the Duty of ev'ry Honest Citizen to ignore ANY THING not told to them on Sunday!
Historical Archives: To Be Sold - Carved Wooden Heads #~# By the most skilled Crafts-men have been created Carved Wooden HEADS of remark able quality and bilaterally symmetrical appearance and known to generally reduce the suffering of those Veterans, who during the course of the LATE-WAR with Great-Britain had the Misfortune of decapitation by well-placed Blow, Cannon Ball, Bouts of Gangrene, or dislocation of the SKULL, often resulting in the impediment of proper nodding functions and intolerable HEAD-ACH. Contains a Pair of Faces, for Occasions either solemn or mournful, with wooden dowel Eyes, quarter of one-inch bored Holes for Ears, and handsome Grain most disagreeable to the WOODPECKER. 
Historical Archives: Is It Too Soon To Use The Boston Massacre As A Source Of Humour? #~# As is Custom, I spent the Even Tide of Thurs-day last at the Whore's Head, enjoying my usual Tankard of molten Chocolate in the Company of my bosom Familiars, and as the Moon ascend'd, merry grew the Mood, and Bon Mots, Epigrams, Light Verse, &c.; sailed through the Air like Mortar. My Companions & I lock'd in a Battle of Wits, trading our most piquant Quips. Mr. L——, the liveliest amongst our Junto and vaunt'd through out the Parish as a great One Ups Man, rose from the Table, and, his Bearing erect, ask'd, Why was the Boston Massacre in- evitable? Before any of us could reply, Mr. L—— answer'd his own Query with the Words, Because had not the British fir'd at the boisterous Bostonian Rascals, surely one of us would have. 
Historical Archives: One May Now Toil From Home #~# No practikal Knowledge nec'ry to obtain An Appropriate PROSPECT for GUARAN-TEED Capital Benefits swiftly deriv'd from countless Hours of STREN-UOUS Drudgery in the Center of Domestik affections. The greater the Measure of Wearisome Exertion the further the SPLEN-DOR of Restitution provided for Toiling until the FLESH-MEAT of the Digits no longer Adheres to BONE. To Re-Ceive Sekrets to En-Velope Programm deposit Sow or First Borne in crook of ELM Wood Tree at Edge Of Village to-day.
Historical Archives: Secret Society Of Free-Bakers Has Fail'd To Gain Influence #~# Thus Far For Archaic Fraternity No Meetings In Smoke Filled Chambers To Plot Conspiracies Moſt Un-Thinkable Against Their Own Citizens.
Historical Archives: News Of Revolutionary War's Conclusion Finally Reaches Southwestern Pennsilvania #~# On the 4th day of September last, those remaining un-dead Pennsilvania Militia-Men, devout PROTESTANT Males of Scotch-Irish and Dutch descent, whose once Abled-Boddies had been ravaged by the Barbarities inflickt'd upon them during the Great War for INDEPENDENCE, ceased all Volley & Bayonet Fighting in the land of Hannas-Town thirty Miles East of Pitt's Burg, after being inform'd by the some what delay'd Messenger from Washington's Army, who had travel'd more than three Hundreds of Miles on Foot, by Mule, on Horse Back, by Waggon, by pole-driven Punt Boat, on Foot again, and once by means of Travois, that Military Manoeuvres had ceased TWO Years prior, thus degrading to a level of Pointlessness the Reason for the Battalion's Two-Hundred and Fifty some-odd Casualties suffer'd well after well after Gen'l Cornwallis' SURRENDER AT YORKTOWN. 
Historical Archives: Ship's Log #~# Departing To The Ends Of The Earth.
Historical Archives: Alexander Hamilton Challenges Nation To A Duel #~# BE IT KNOWN that ALEXANDER HAMILTON, once a serveant to the American People in the halls of CONGRESS and now practicing law in the State of New York, has challenged the Populace of the very Nation he once serv'd as Leader, to a Duel. Owing to these many AFFRONTS by these same Citizens regarding: The manner in which he comports himself in affairs of business and finances; His insistence that the Artickles of Confederation be not the Ideal Rules of Governance; And on the quality of company which he keeps with man-folk—M. HAMILTON will have satisfaction at sun-up, a week hence, with Himself as Insulted Partie choosing the Weapon'ry. 
Historical Archives: A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying #~# In the Port of Boston, the Matter of delivering SWIFT and EXACT Justice to the notorious Candle Pinch Thaddeus SMITH was postponed, owing to the unexpected Appearance of an humorous Downy Duck. In the Moments prior to the Thief SMITH being led to his rightful Station at the Pillory, the Drake alight'd before the Device, causing Ruckus & Howls of Laughter amongst the Citizenry. The utterance of a solitary Quack from the Duck was observ'd by Many as being Akin to a Thunderous Report from the Breeches. Even the Widow THIEDE, who is ordinarily of doleful Disposition, was seen to open wide her Maw and cackle.
Local Woman Devotes Life To Doing God's Busy Work #~# LORETTO, MN—Although you won't see her speaking from the pulpit or spreading God's word to the masses, St. Augustine Catholic Church parishioner Betty Salas, 46, sacrifices both her time and energy to complete the many mundane tasks the Lord has asked her to take off His plate.
Historical Archives: Facial Corsets For Ladies, Finally #~# Woman, look again as twelve years of age! At last, FACIAL CORSETS for LADIES make slender and comely the Woman's Face, pushing up and accentuating the Cheeks for a very alluring Visage. No more shall the eyes of a Stranger be drawn to your un-attractive Chin or Jaw Bone. Be the talk of your Village, and find yourself with CHYLDE within weeks. Let People wonder whence your Cheekbones have been hiding.
Historical Archives: I Cannot Help That Women Are Oft Attracted To A Successful Pamphleteer #~# GENTLES, and Citizens of America, I put it to you, a query of the curious disposition: Have you not noticed, in instances numbered too many to credit the Phenomenon to merest Chance, that the Members of the Opposite-Sex, viz. WOMEN, do so redden at the Cheeks and swoon with Covetousness, upon the sight of a prolifick and persuasive Pamphleteer, viz. & e. g., ME, Sir THOMAS PAINE?
Historical Archives: Satan, Dark Harbinger Of Wickedness, Afflickts Townsfolk With String Of Ploughing Mishaps #~# MASSACHUSETTS in Crisis! A number of Calamities have been observ'd in New England, previously afflickt'd with all Manner of Devilment, from Witchcraft to a Plague of Cow Licks among the Youth, and now present'd with a number of Misadventures in Ploughing that could be the Work of none but LUCIFER HIM SELF.
Historical Archives: To Be Sold - Rather Large Buttons #~# "Would you be caught with a Button that does not attract the Eye?"
Historical Archives: Our Nation's Monthly Leisure Time Rises To A Staggering Total Of Three Minutes #~# Anew and worry some Trend has arisen in our young Common Wealth. That is, the practice of assuming extended Reprieves from the Industry and Enterprise which makes this Nation one of great Prosperity and Independence. Further more, it is believed that the Periods of Idleness may total up to One Hundred Seconds and Eighty in Length for every thirty Days. These Leisure Activities, which apparently do not yield any productive Work what so ever, but rather elicit a strange Sensation which has been referred to as "Pleasure," include such Pursuits as engaging in Games of Throw-The-Ball with one's Son; Sitting, a still some what obscure Practice of Monarchical Origin, involving a Transfer of the Weight of the Body† to the awaiting Support of an Armed Chair, or such like accommodating Surface, so as to reduce Strain on Muscles of the Lower Limbs; and perhaps most Trouble some of all, Reading.
Historical Archives: Rural Quaker Scandalized By Intricate Furniture Pattern! #~# In Philadelphia, in which a Man, being himself some 28 yrs. of Age and a Quaker held in good Stead in that pious Communitie, was taken Aback, and did Swoone with Horror, and was given cause to Gasp and exclaim Alack; at the sight of a CHAIR, upon which both lavish Ornamentation and a coat of Shellack had been applied, so that to the devout eye of worthie Gentle-Man did it give the Appearance of a very Furniture of HARLOTRY. 
Historical Archives: The Twenty Top-Most Books In Print At Present #~# 1. The Bible. (226,339)
Historical Archives: Is Our Nation Ready For A Negro Citizen? #~# GENTLE MEN: I wish to address the most Brow furrowing Subject of the dusky African, and his Place in our fledgling Union. Scores benefit from the Sweat of his Labour, yet even the most sagacious among we White Folk can not envision a Role for him beyond that of a bonded Servant. Yet I maintain, quite contrary to the perceiv'd Customs & Mores of our current Age, that in Deed, our United States can accommodate the Citizenship of the Negro, and should do so at the earliest Convenience. Is our new Nation ready for the Negro Citizen? I reply with a resounding Yes.
I'm Sitting On A Pretty Big Story #~# The info we got on the whole Palin e-mail thing is just the tip of the iceberg.
We Must Lower Age-Of-Consent Laws #~# Ladies and Gentlemen, I come before you today to write about an issue that is very close to my heart: the reform of age-of-consent legislation. 
Police: iPhone Left In Hot Car For Three Hours #~# WINNETKA, IL—This normally peaceful suburban town is still reeling following the news Monday that a local resident, whose name is being withheld by police pending a full investigation, left an iPhone unattended for more than three hours in a car parked in the hot sun.
Bush Calls In National Marching Band To Lift U.S. Spirits #~# WASHINGTON—President Bush called the Coalition of Instrumentalists and Minstrels, more commonly known as the national marching band, to active duty Monday in order to boost the nation's low morale with a series of lively, up-tempo brass numbers. "This is a measure of last resort," Bush said about the decision to bring out the band, whose 7,500-mile route starts in Maine, stretches down the Eastern Seaboard and across the Midwest, and ends in Southern California at the 2015 Rose Bowl. The band will play a 61,300-hour rendition of "Stars And Stripes Forever" for the entirety of its cross-country march. Bush added, "If the peppy spirit and eye-catching glide step of this band doesn't cheer people up and fix all the bad problems in our nation, I don't know what can." The national marching band was formed in 1942 by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt to take the nation's mind off—and later serve valiantly in—World War II.
Begging Your Pardon, Chaps, No Blog Today #~# I've gone and eaten me very last piece of paper to stop the rumblings in me gullet, so I'm afraid I've nothin' what to write about the economic bailout on. 'ad only this tiny scrap of paper in me pocket. If it wouldn't be too much trouble returning it, please. It's the only photo I 'ave left of me brother.
Phish To Reunite #~# Four years after disbanding, the Vermont jam band Phish has announced plans to reunite in March 2009, starting with three performances in Virginia. What do you think? 
Historical Archives: Thousands More Teeth Lost #~# Readers who might chiefly employ these Pages as a Catch All for their falling Molars and Incisors will not register any particular Surprise at the News that Tooth Loss amongst the Publick has exceed'd last Year's Record by nearly Four Fold. Barbers and Black Smiths speak of a Wind Fall of Patients seeking a ready Demise to their oral Agonies, though some Decay is so advanced, that a Brawny Soul need only take a Patient by the Heels, raise him aloft, and shake him vigorously, so that the Teeth may slip easily from the Gum. The Common of Boston is fairly festooned with Caries and has grown slick with the Gore borne of Abcesses, yet many Bostonians take the Inconvenience in jovial Stride, and even claim the Malady to be serendipitous, as missing Teeth tend to distract from Scars left from the Small Pox.
Historical Archives: John Jacob Astor Out Looking For Beaver #~# By good honest New Englandmen at Station in the frozen North comes Word that a GERMAN Settler, born JOHN JACOB ASTOR, has four and ten Times this very Month journeyed out to hang from his Belt fine specimens of that elusive and oft desir'd BEAVER, which the Warmth of Spring's Breath has once more uncover'd and shown mature and Plentiful. Known through out the Olde World for his great Accomplishment in trapping all Variety of the sly Furréd Beast, M. ASTOR is said to be a fine and up standing Gentle Man, known to return Home from chasing every handsome Piece of Pelt, from PORTS MOUTH to MICHILLIMAKINAC, with always a full-bodied Specimen under each Arm; so powerful is his Skill at luring the Log-devouring Animal! M. ASTOR, being but twenty Years of Age, fit, and possessing all of his own hair, surely has both Mode & Means to transverse our fair Country and explore the darkest Regions of Her Wet Lands. Should the enterprising GERMAN, by the Smile of good Fortune, reach the fertile back woods of New Hampshire, it is likely he may find him self secured to his very PUPILS in Beaver, and, we hasten to note, only good Beaver at that, and None of this foul Skunk Pelt seen in those parts of late.
Historical Archives: That Inspirational Piper of '76 Has At Last Succumbed To His Head-Wounds #~# From BOSTON comes dread News of the Death, after long-suffr’ing his Injurie, of Samuel Rush, who lest we suffer from Forget-ful-ness, was the worthy GentleMan, so often portrayed† in Song and Woodcut, as bleeding from grievous Blows to the Head, and being Bandag’d thereupon, while playing up’n his Pipe while a’company’ed by one Drummer and another bearing our beloved Flag, after Battle with the English. 
Historical Archives: To Be Sold - Tri-Cornered Shoes #~# Come evening, leave the Boots to the field work. TRI-CORNERED SHOES are the Fancy Shoes from the shores of far-away France. Viewable from three sides and Suited for every Fancy occasion.
Historical Archives: Notice To The Publik #~# Dirt-Eating Contest, this Saturday 11th Ocktober! Can No-One best Fat Phineas Cooper, who just one Year past ete three and twenty pounds of Earthen Loam and ten of blackest Soot? Victor claims Harness of finest woven HEMP and one lightly-worn wife.
Historical Archives: Bald Eagles Evr'y Where #~# The growing publick Outcry over the North American BALD EAGLE grew ever more voluminous this week, as disgusted citizens demanded that the Congress act to address this INFESTATION of the nuisance Species, which has been such a Plague on Americans of late, and has recently become ever more so, due to its o'er-whelming Numbers, fear-less Personalitie, and nigh-unto-endless Range of Habitat, which extends from the farthest northern Climes to the southernmost realms of these newly united States.
Historical Archives: Wide-Spread Powder Shortage Confounds Nation's Bewigged. #~# Wide-spread powder shortage confounds nation's bewigged.
Historical Archives: Amazing Publick Spectacle! #~# Indian Taught To Wear Hat.
Historical Archives: Masthead #~# Editor-in-Chief, H. Ulysses Zweibel.
Scandal: McCain Won Miss Congeniality Of U.S. Senate In 2000, 2003 #~# WASHINGTON—Despite insisting several times during the first presidential debate that he had never won the U.S. Senate Miss Congeniality award due to his maverick, no-holds-barred legislating style, John McCain was recently revealed to have twice secured the much-coveted congressional superlative during his four terms in office. "This just proves that Sen. McCain is not only willing to lie to the American people, but that he is also perky, helpful, and exceedingly amiable around the Senate," said MSNBC political analyst Keith Olbermann of the documents that have recently come to light, including copies of both award certificates as well as photos of McCain handing out freshly baked cupcakes to the Senate Subcommittee on Appropriations. "American voters feel duped. This allegation runs completely counter to the gruff and unpredictable rebel persona that McCain has carefully cultivated." According to a statement released by the McCain campaign, the senator deeply regrets misleading the American public in regard to his bubbly personality, but remains proud of his seven consecutive U.S. Senate "Best In Swimsuit" wins.
Looks Like I'm Not The Only One Growing A Pair Of Balls #~# With the election heating up, it looks as if the Republican ticket is finally developing a pendulous scrotal sac and fighting back against the Jew-run media. Honestly, I haven't seen a smear-campaign this bad since my fetal eyelids first opened earlier in the week. Thankfully, it seems as though Ms. Palin has had enough and will let everyone know exactly where she stands when she meets up with that overgrown zygote Senator Joe Biden later tonight.
Has It Biodegraded? #~# PBS
Parents Of Obama Volunteer Couldn't Be More Proud, Sick Of Son #~# OAK PARK, IL—Parents of Obama '08 campaign volunteer Mark Lowe said their son's selfless work for the Illinois senator has shown the 22-year-old to be mature, civic-minded, and absolutely unbearable to talk to.  "I remember when I was going to vote for Hillary Clinton in the primary, and [Mark] spoke for 30 minutes about how Obama is the next Kennedy, the only candidate capable of bringing real change, and how Hillary embodies everything that's wrong with Washington," David Lowe, 58, said. "It's incredible that he's so passionate about our nation's future, and now he really needs to shut the hell up."  Lowe, who spends up to 40 hours a week sending e-mails, making phone calls, and engaging complete strangers in drawn-out discussions about Obama's message of hope as he canvasses door-to-door, is expected to cost the Democratic nominee some 15,000 votes.
Children Are Our Most Precious Natural Resource (Updated) #~# With the candidates locked in endless wrangling over the economy, you'd think we'd all forgotten what truly matters: America's children. Specifically, our 16- and 17-year-olds, the most precious and beautiful of them all. I want to know what Obama and McCain plan to do about this issue.
I've 'eard Me First Debate, I 'ave! #~# Well call me Sir Francis bloody Beacon, what a debate the Americans just 'ad! Mr. Greystone, 'e don't much prefer my smelling up 'is parlor with "the stink of society's refuse"—'is words, not mine—but 'e let me listen outside the door while I was blacking 'is boots and boy! I never 'eard anything so wonderful in all me life. All the clapping and the calling each other "mister" and "Senator," it was like I image a glorious big party must be like. One with food and 'ot cakes and mmm… mince meat pies.
Man With Food In Beard Saying Something About Climate Change #~# GENEVA—A man with a piece of food stuck in his beard is currently addressing an auditorium full of world leaders and prominent scholars on what seems to be the subject of global warming, sources are reporting. The food particle has been dangling from the man's facial hair for more than an hour while he has mentioned such phrases as "sulfides," "ice caps," "immediately, otherwise we all may," "underwater tomb," and "of human life as we know it." It was briefly dislodged during a particularly animated portion of the presentation in which complete global apocalypse was remarked upon, only to fall one inch and reattach to a lower portion of beard. The exact nature of the crumb has yet to be ascertained. Some are speculating that it is aioli. Others, however, believe it to be a bit of chewed-up turkey.
Historical Archives: Hay Thieves Strike Again #~# Many citizens of New York awoke at dawn, prepared to do their CHRISTIAN DUTY of toiling for the cause of the betterment of their livestock, only to find that they had for the second time in a month been stripped of their precious Stock of Hay by ill-tempered men, causing much Consternation and Confoundment. The cowardly THIEVES struck in the dead of night, making away with an estimated 72 Bales of Hay, as well as 44 largeish stacks of Alfalfa, Rye, and Clover. Captain Marlowe of the Militia assembled a battalion of men and they performed their due diligence, procuring three witnesses, who, hearing a Disturbance in their fields, drew their bed-clothes above their heads for fear that a group of spectres was cavorting in the moonlight waiting to take their breath.
Broncos Offensive Line Hoping Uniforms Make Them Look Fat #~# DENVER—Shortly after being physically dominated in a 33-19 loss to the Chiefs, the Broncos' comparatively diminutive offensive line expressed fears Sunday that their uniforms made them appear insufficiently large to be imposing to defenses. "The dark pants we wear are just so slimming," said Broncos center Casey Wiegmann, adding that a fuller cut would help make their legs appear larger. "Perhaps if we had horizontal stripes running across them we would look more meaty. I really like our white 'away' tops, but no matter what pads and foundation garments we try, they're still too fitted. Not to mention such a hassle to get grass stains out of." 305-pound right tackle Erik Pears said he would continue to wear three jerseys, a mock turtleneck sweater, several pairs of pants, half a dozen wristbands, and two sets of shoulder pads in an effort to look more stylishly obese. 
Traffic Deaths Rise On Election Day #~# Researchers noticed an 18 percent spike in traffic fatalities on days a presidential election was held. What do you think? 
Playoff-Bound Brewers Celebrate By Spraying Mayonnaise In Locker Room #~# MILWAUKEE—Moments after the Brewers officially clinched the 2008 NL wild card Sunday, CC Sabathia, Prince Fielder, and the rest of the team celebrated by jumping up and down while dousing each other with giant gouts of mayonnaise. 
Breast Cancer Launches WNBA Awareness Month #~# NEW YORK— Leading representatives of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation announced Wednesday that the month of October would officially be known as WNBA Awareness Month, and commemorated the occasion by donating $80 million of their funds to promote the early detection and ultimate eradication of the all-female basketball league.
Stock Market Plunges Another 700 Points On Rumor Josh Beckett Isn't 100% Healthy #~# BOSTON—Reacting sharply to the news that Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett may have continuing problems with a strained right oblique muscle, the Dow Jones industrial average dropped 713 points Wednesday to close at 10,180 as skittish investors reacted to reports that the ace may not start Game 3 against Anaheim. "Trading is definitely volatile at this point, a result of Fed chair Ben Bernanke's warning of the specter of vastly reduced liquidity and Boston manager Terry Francona's tepid grade of Josh's side session this morning," Boston Globe business columnist Steven Syre reported Thursday. "That's a loss of over a trillion dollars in value for the market and possibly a much more crucial loss for the Red Sox." The record plunge set a single-day mark for baseball-player-related market losses, more than doubling the 342-point loss suffered earlier this year when the pork-belly futures market collapsed at news of Prince Fielder's newfound vegetarianism. 
Baseball's Best Individual Postseason Performances #~# As the baseball playoffs finally begin, Onion Sports remembers the men who played their best when their play finally mattered:
Tony Kornheiser Not About To Let Football Game Interrupt Tennis Anecdote #~# PITTSBURGH—Despite the hard-fought defensive struggle between the Steelers and the Ravens playing out before him, ESPN commentator Tony Kornheiser was able to complete a rant decrying guttural noises in women's tennis Monday night without acknowledging the football game in any way. "I was watching it, and I could hear for myself: Maria Sharapova literally grunted on a drop shot," Kornheiser said while the Steelers scored on a 38-yard TD pass to Santonio Holmes and recovered a Joe Flacco fumble for another score, all in a 15-second span of game time. Kornheiser also effectively cut off Ron Jaworski's detailed description of the breakdown in the Ravens' pass protection, saying, "It's a drop shot, you know? Why do you need to do that? I can make a drop shot without grunting, for God's sake. The other day I came to the net, no grunt. Then the ball came back whizzing past my head at about a hundred miles an hour. But ya know, she plays tennis, I play tennis. Tennis is tennis. Is grunting tennis? It is not." Though Jeff Reed's game-winning kick in overtime was unable to capture Kornheiser's attention sufficiently enough to penetrate the anecdote, a shot of a mildly overweight fan celebrating in the stands did prompt Kornheiser to conjecture that the fan "heard lunch was a buffet."
God Savoring Vast Array Of Cubs-Cursing Options #~# CHICAGO—God, the divine creator and omnipotent deity, held a press conference Tuesday to discuss the infinite ways in which He could curse the postseason hopes of His least favorite baseball team, the Chicago Cubs. 
Historical Archives: The World's Tallest Man Towers At Five Feet And Eleven Inches #~# From the honest and sworn Captain of the barque Scylla, freshly return'd from the Baltic: News of the Existence of a modern Longshanks, a veritable GIANT before whom many tremble. Said Pantagruel, who makes his Residence in the City of Danzig, reaches nearly six Feet into the Heavens. At an astonishing 18 Hands high, he is Heads and Shoulders above even the loftiest of his Brethren, and when striding the Thorough Fares of Danzig, can be seen from thirty Paces away. So co-lossal is he that master Carpenters cut a Hole above his Door and rais'd the Portal so to accommodate his great Head. This Ajax sleeps in a specially fashion'd Bed so that his lower Limbs do not dangle off the Edge. His Tailor keeps a-stock one surplus Bolt each of Wool and Muslin, should the Leviathan desire a new Suit of Clothes. To him, our daily Bread is but mere Crumbs; the Proprietress of an Inn where the Mammoth takes Meals testified that he could devour one-half of one-one-hundredth of his Weight in Beef-Steak in one Sitting. It is a further Wonder, that the Floor Boards of his House have not given away under his great Heft, an' that being estimated at nearly twelve Stone, or 165 Pounds Avoirdupois. 
40,000 Pounds Of Slave Have Been Lost At Sea #~# Doleful News has been from Baltimore receiv'd, and that being: Of the WRECK of the Slaver Betsy at Sea, and its entire CARGO of 40,000 Pounds SUNKEN, to the furthest Depths of dread Neptune's hearth, ninety Leagues off Hatteras, on March the 4th. The star-cross'd Frigate took on Water during a Tempest, and despite the attempts of the Crew to jettison the less valuable members of the Hold, so as to lighten the Tonnage in the densely pack'd Hull, the Onrush of the cruel Sea overwhelm'd the valiant Effort.† 
Historical Archives: General Washington Hints At A 'Bid' For Presidency in 1789 #~# In NEWBURGH, The State of New York this week we learn, that our great General Washington finds him self besett with Affairs of State, in addition to his more accustom'd Affairs, those being of War; and that, although he has yet to Persuade the Red-Coat to relinquish his brutal Possession of the Port of New YORK; Yet General Washington has made Mention, that in less than half a dozen of Years, he him self would Consider, if it be the will of Common Folk to select Him for the Honour, the LEADERSHIP of our fledgling Nation entire. And much Consternation and Speculation did this Inspire, amongst all there assembl'd.
Historical Archives: Iroquois Inſurgency Quelled By Gov’t.! #~#  More news to follow in a fort-night.
Historical Archives: Mule-Deaths Of Late #~# Mon-day.
Historical Archives: The not'd and esteem'd OPINION of founder and sole editor, H. Ulysses Zweibel #~# Ever since THE ONION's luminous founding a quarter century ago'ne, this, the leading papermaking CHRONICKLE of noteworthy happenings in the colonys, has been engag'd in FAIR and OPEN competition for the reader's silver coin with other like pamphlets at market. To this I say, NEVER AGAIN. The Onion herewith rises beyonde its competitors throo the employ of a great INNOVATION in ink-printing knowne here-to-fore as ADVERT-TIZING; a concept of my design; which is a FEATURE ARTICKLE composed not by the press-man, but by a prominent SELLER OF WARES. Be he a peddler of wooden buckets, planting manure, dry'd corn, or Mustees, the merchant shall speake in direct addresse to the reader, commending the VIRTUE of his merchandise or commodity; unfetter'd under the opinion or independente appraisal made by THE ONION's editors or journalers. I pledge to print the seller's words without verifyiction of his claims; which would therewith constitute not only grave insult to his station, but foolish business pracktice. I further pledge to grant all members of the MERCHANT CLASS favoured placement on this parchment, in exchange for sterling, so that they might there by attrack't the attention of the reader to their note-worthy industry. Henceforth; THE ONION shall seeke to gain a REPUTATION as a proud delivery-carriage for the sales-man's wisdom, and in-so-doing encrease PROFITE for both he and THE ONION. Too oft'n the reason'd voice of honor'd Leaders of Trades in these colonies is render'd mute by the horse whinny of the lowborn. How are those of MONEY'D MEANS† or NOBLE DESCENT to be inform'd of the opinions of the letter'd merchant? They shall, in this very issuing of THE ONION. The BURGER-KINGGE, that Meat-ennobled Mon-Arch, shall lay a very Feate of Advert-Tizing upon our printed Pages, that shall fatten the Eye and Spiritt of the beholder, and the Wallette of this News-Pap'r; and the Manufactors of JAMESON's Soothing Elix-r, a most fortifying Licquid, shall also be free to Speke their Minds, regarding the Efficacy and Virtue of that Wond'rous Fluidd, an' as that flows forth, so shall flow, into our own coffers, great fulminating gouts of CASHEN-MONNEY. I foresee a prosperous future for this commerce-making enterprise. It is my sincerest hope that one day messages provoking thought in the reader, given him from the ADVERT-TIZER, will supplant in totality the unfounded musings of the journalers; who are in facte noth'g more than WILD MEN made tame by their wages from the printing press, in all news-chronickle pamphletry. P'rhaps one day the two shall join to one; the ink-besotted type-setter in the employ of the amalgamated merchant in a manner favorable to capital increase; therewith growing into a glorious commercial power in these states, indeed the world; one whose ability to exercise freedom, liberty and utility in a healthy bloodletting of the unlimited resources of our prolifick land, and the unwashed people toiling upon it, is limit'd only by his goode sense and the blessings of Providence.
Historical Archives: The Surgeon General Has Added Snuff To Tobacco Pyramid #~# From our Baltimore Cousins comes News of the felicitous Health Benefits of the Powder’d Tobacco SNUFF, and the Recommendation that multiple Pinches be taken until Blood flows freely from the Nose in Service of balancing the Humours. Preeminent Barber-Surgeon and Former General of Loyalist Ilk Tho. HAYSWORTH has add’d the cure-all Physick to his famed and most singular Tobacco Pyramid, the robustness Chart learnt in Grammar-Schools ‘cross the Whole of our Nation, and has given Snuff greater Importance, even, than Pipe Smoke. However, Gen’l HAYSWORTH was heard to remark many Times that Snuff should never be taken in the Stead of any Portion of the presently advis’d eight Score and thirty Draws from a firmly pack’d Clay Pipe, Two hearty Chaw Plugs, and four dozen Twists of dri’d Tobacco Leaves, the latter to be used for betwixt-Pipe Mastications. The Measure of Snuff suggested by Gen’l HAYSWORTH to be most advantageous for Children under Six Years of Age is not to be in excess of four sizable Nose-Packings per four and twenty Hours, and taken always with two Draughts of strong Brandy. Those unable to procure the finely ground Tobacco should quaff freely from Cuspidors at every opportunity to derive at least a little Benefit from the meritorious Effects of Snuff.
'ave A Wonderful Election, America! #~# Why 'ello, friends! Looks like 'appy days are upon us again. Mr. Greystone, the master of the 'ouse, 'as gone and entrusted to me my very own pencil, what to write down anything I wish. At first, I thought it was me birthday! I've never 'ad so much as a farthing in all my life and now look at me: a pencil owner. Why I must look like the King 'imself! But after he given it to me, Mr. Greystone, 'e said I'm meant to write about the American presidential election. "Yes, sir!" I said to 'im. "I'll do my very best, sir!"
People Of Earth, I Lack Basic Social Skills #~# Citizens of Earth! My name is Robert Stubinsky. Please, do not be afraid!
Rules Of The Vice Presidential Debate #~# The vice presidential debate is scheduled for Oct. 2. 
Area Man Pretty Sure It's Not Broken #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Despite coming down on it pretty hard, area man Doug Grissett maintained his position Thursday that it is not broken. "I didn't hear a pop," said Grissett, claiming that it only hurts a little when you push it right here. Grissett also confirmed that he can move it like this, and like this, but when he tries to move it like this, ah fuck. He added, "This happened once last August, the same thing. It's probably nothing." At press time, it has swelled up to the size of a cantaloupe.
Looks Like Someone Let The Affair Cat Out Of The Wife Bag #~# Oh boy. This is bad. Really bad. I am up adultery creek without a slept-with-my-secretary paddle this time. There's just no denying it. I'm jammed tight between a been-having-an-affair-for-six-months rock and a my-wife-somehow-found-out hard place.
Churches Illegally Endorse Candidates #~# Thirty-three pastors in 22 states are in danger of losing tax-exempt status for their churches after endorsing a candidate from the pulpit. What do you think? 
Area Man Holding Out Until Next Exit For Better Fast Food Options #~# ERIE, PA—Local fast food consumer and occasional motorist Don Turnbee announced his decision Wednesday to bypass I-79's Greenville exit in hopes that the following turnoff would lead to more appealing fast food options.
Connecticopulation #~# Showtime
Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone #~# WASHINGTON—President Bush collapsed in the Oval Office after spontaneously expelling a 3-pound kidney stone from his bladder, sources reported Tuesday. According to witnesses, the president was attending his daily Iraq War briefing when he suddenly began shrieking loudly and clutching his abdomen, a mixture of blood and urine pooling rapidly around his feet. Bush was able to maintain consciousness through more than 20 minutes of excruciating pain, even after the jagged, grapefruit-sized crystal aggregation shredded his urethra and dropped from his left pant leg, finally rolling to a stop on the presidential seal in the middle of the Oval Office carpet. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.
Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think #~# CHICAGO—Health experts have long known that drinking red wine can have such positive benefits as reducing blood vessel damage, lowering the risk of heart attack, and preventing harmful LDL cholesterol from forming. But researchers at the Northwestern University Department of Preventive Medicine have recently found that the consumption of four to six glasses of red wine, most notably at dinner or a family function, may be linked to totally going off on one's mom.
New Genetic Links To Baldness Found #~# A new report in the journal Nature Genetics points to genetic markers for baldness that could be screened for. What do you think? 
Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations #~# Travel
That One Kid In Rec Basketball League Always Wearing Jeans During Games #~# CARMICHAELS, PA— Sources confirmed yesterday that that kid in the Carmichaels YMCA youth basketball league, the one who plays for the team in yellow jerseys sponsored by Grimaldi Dental Associates, played another game Tuesday wearing blue jeans.
Man With Apple Hovering In Front Of Face Sues René Magritte's Estate #~# TACOMA, WA—Michael Renfro, a 68-year-old retired CPA with an apple hovering in front of his face, announced Monday that he has filed a $15 million lawsuit against the estate of deceased Belgian artist René Magritte for unlawfully using his likeness in the 1964 painting The Son Of Man.
Americans Thankful This Thanksgiving #~# What are you thankful for this year?
Report: Planes Just As Afraid Of John Madden #~# WASHINGTON—The Federal Aviation Administration stated Wednesday that, according to all available evidence, airplanes are just as afraid of carrying sportscaster John Madden as he is of traveling on them. "Airliners have a not unreasonable fear that, were John Madden to board them, it would increase their chances of crashing," said FAA administrator Robert A. Sturgell, reading from the report. "While looking at John Madden, planes often express a sense of inadequacy and a heightened fear of losing control. Our studies have not found, however, that planes have any more reason to be afraid of John Madden than they do of any other grossly overweight celebrity." To help reduce planes' fears, Boeing has enrolled their fleet of commercial airliners in an education program about the realities of John Madden, which will explain exactly how he works, the meaning of the various sounds he generates, and why he may vibrate or gurgle when under way.
Cubs, Absence From World Series Agree To 4-Year Extension #~# CHICAGO—At a press conference Wednesday, the Chicago Cubs and their absence from the World Series announced an agreement to a four-year contract extension, with an option for another six years. 
Rookie Running Back Can't Break Habit Of Saying 'Thank You' During Handoffs #~# CHICAGO—Despite Matt Forte's remarkably strong rookie year thus far, Bears coaches are concerned that their running back's progress may be hindered by his habit of carefully thanking the quarterback after each handoff. "It demonstrates his strong character and team ethic, but it really is unnecessary to say things like 'Thank you,' 'You shouldn't have,' and 'Oh, all for me? But I didn't get you anything,'" said position coach Tim Spencer, who expressed concern that screen passes might be telegraphed by Forte's insistence on shouting "Please?" when open. "We got him down to 'Thanks,' which is a start, but his impeccable manners are already starting to rub off on his teammates. [Quarterback] Kyle [Orton] is saying 'You're welcome' out of reflex, and our linemen won't stop pardoning themselves and saying 'Excuse me' as they block the defense out of the way. It's becoming a distraction." Other Bears jumping on the etiquette bandwagon include Devin Hester, who bids "Farewell" to opposing special teamers, and Rex Grossman, who has been gentlemanly about sharing his spot on the bench.
NASCAR's Environmentally Friendly Future #~# As the trend towards ecological awareness continues, we look at how stock car racing is responding to an increasingly greener world.
Marc Bulger Visits Local Barnes & Noble For Touchdown Ideas #~# LADUE, MO—After struggling and looking stale in his last few starts, Rams quarterback Marc Bulger paid a visit to the Barnes & Noble Booksellers at Ladue Crossing Shopping Center to peruse books and periodicals in hopes of getting new and interesting touchdown ideas. "I don't want to give Tory [Holt] and Steven [Jackson] the same old boring touchdown passes and handoffs every time," said Bulger, who was reportedly skimming through Tolstoy's The Death of Ivan Ilyich, cocking his arm back, nodding his head, and jotting down something in a small black notebook. "And I can't just watch the opposing team's quarterback for touchdown ideas, because then I'm not doing anything new or original. Getting into the minds of contemporary thinkers and writers can help push football forward. Though I also get touchdown ideas while just watching movies." Witnesses claim that Bulger left the store without buying anything.
Sports Community Mourns Death Of Old Bald White Man With Glasses #~# NEW YORK—Coaches, current and former players, reporters, and a variety of prominent figures in the sports community gathered Wednesday to mourn the death of an old bald white man with glasses, commemorating his life and his incredible impact on the world of sports. "He did it for the love of the game, and the game loved him back," legendary sportswriter Bud Collins said of the elder statesman, whose bespectacled face and shining cranium became a fixture in the sports sections of well-respected newspapers such as The New York Times and The Washington Post. "We will never see his bald, white, glasses-wearing like again." A bronze statue of the old bald white man with glasses will be erected in front of his alma mater's legendary stadium.
Well, That Sunset Sucked #~# For our 10th anniversary, I wanted to pull off a grand romantic gesture that would remind my wife that she's more than my friend—she's the love of my life. I thought about taking her out to dinner at that new French restaurant that just opened, but in the end I decided that something old-fashioned was in order. So I left work early, picked up a bottle of wine, and drove Jenny out to the country to have a picnic and watch the sunset.
Auto Industry Crisis #~# The big three American automobile manufacturers spent much of last week lobbying Congress for a portion of the economic bailout, lest they go under. How did they get to this point?
Area Man Shocked To See His Elementary School Has A Website #~# LAREDO, TX—After using an Internet search engine in an attempt to find information on a former classmate, local resident Matthew Orman, 25, told reporters Monday that he was "extremely surprised" upon discovering that the elementary school he attended had its own website. "All of the teachers have their own profiles and everything," Orman said while scrolling through the GIF-littered basic HTML design, credited to his former third-grade art teacher Mrs. Wolford. "And look, the cafeteria still serves pizza on Fridays. This is so crazy." Orman reportedly attempted to sign the website's guestbook several times, but was unable do to so because of an internal programming error.
Ask A Guy Who Knows A Little Bit About Dealing With These Lawyer Types #~# Dear Guy Who Knows A Little Bit About Dealing With These Lawyer Types,
Colmes Leaves 'Hannity & Colmes' #~# Alan Colmes, the longtime liberal cohost of the Fox News program Hannity & Colmes, will leave at the end of the year. What do you think? 
Blue Angels Hold First-Ever Open Tryouts #~# PENSACOLA, FL—Harold Enderby's friends say that when he first saw the Navy's televised announcement that the Flight Demonstration Squadron, better known as the Blue Angels, would be holding open tryouts for the first time in its history, the lifelong aviation buff turned to his fellow sanitation workers at Doug's Dugout Bar-N-Grill and said, "Mark my words—I'm going to be a Blue Angel if it's the last thing I do."
GM Covered With Giant Tarp Until It Has Money To Work On Cars Again #~# DETROIT—The General Motors Corporation announced Monday that it has covered its main production plant with a 500,000-square-foot blue tarp until it can get some revenue together to work on its cars again. "The rear-axle assembly line is all out of whack, and the carburetor department needs a complete rebuild," CEO G. Richard Wagoner, Jr. said while wiping his hands with an oily rag. "It's going to be at least a $50 billion job. Goddamn piece of shit American car industry." According to Wagoner, the automotive giant spent its last $18 on cinder blocks to help secure the tarp. 
Sword-Wielding Man Shot At Scientology Building #~# A security guard shot and killed a man who approached the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood waving two samurai swords. What do you think? 
Woman Profoundly Moved By Lyrics Artist Put Zero Time Or Effort Into #~# FALLS CHURCH, VA—Real estate agent Linda Vandermood was moved to the depths of her being Tuesday by the lyrics of James Blunt's adult contemporary single "You Are Sensitive," a keening ballad of unrequited yearning Blunt wrote on the back of a take-away food container and recorded for the purposes of contractual obligation. "God, I get goose bumps every time he sings, 'But something in this frozen world denies me your arms, your heart, your touch,'" Vandermood said of the lyrics Blunt came up with while on his Ibiza, Spain toilet. "When that comes on my iPod, it's all I can do to keep myself from crying. I've never heard anything so beautiful in all my life." The appreciation of Vandermood and several million other listeners for Blunt's tossed-off lyrics had netted the singer-songwriter $11 million as of Monday.
26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving #~# NEW YORK—For the fifth straight year, Jordan McCabe will return home for the holidays and spend the night before Thanksgiving running into every smug and unlikable asshole he ever went to high school with, the 26-year-old reported Monday.
Jobless Claims At 16-Year High #~# The number of new applicants for unemployment benefits jumped to 542,000, the highest since 1992. What do you think? 
God Help Him, But Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch #~# RENO, NV—Despite her continued efforts to drive him out of his goddamn mind and turn his every waking hour into some kind of living nightmare, Craig Shearer, 32, admitted Monday that he still loves that crazy bitch. 
Will Wayne Knight Do It? #~# CBS
Flea Market Vendor Could Possibly Let Unidentifiable Lump Go For $15 #~# BOISE, ID—Though he claims it to be worth at least twice as much, flea market vendor Roger Jenkins is willing to let an unidentifiable, vaguely spherical lump of something go for $15, sources reported Tuesday. "Because I'm in a good mood today, and because I like your face, I'll let this baby go for only $20," said Jenkins, referring to the ambiguous object, which lacked even the most basic of defining traits, and appeared to serve no discernible purpose, decorative or otherwise. "All right then—$15, but I can't go any lower than that. After all, you don't see very many of these around anymore." Jenkins added that if you take the impossible to determine item off his hands, he'd throw in a second one for your car.
New Pain-Inducing Advil Created For People Who Just Want To Feel Something, Anything #~# PHILADELPHIA—Wyeth Pharmaceuticals unveiled a new pain-causing line of Advil this week that will help millions of benumbed, hollow consumers to feel at least somewhat alive for up to four hours.
Consumer Prices Fall Record Amount #~# The Consumer Price Index fell a record 1 percent in October, the steepest one month decline in its history. What do you think? 
Cory In The House #~# Disney
Teenage Katrina Survivor Wins Yet Another Essay Contest #~# WASHINGTON—At an awards ceremony held yesterday for the 2008 Profiles in Courage Essay Contest, 17-year-old Hurricane Katrina survivor Audrey Temples collected yet another first-place trophy, her sixth in as many months. "It was so great to fly out to D.C. again and accept my award," said the displaced New Orleans resident, whose recent essays "Reflections In The Flood," "Flooded With Memories," and "Katrina Song" have all won her first-prize honors. "Hopefully I can come back soon. Maybe next week, if things work out." Temples is expected to return tomorrow to her family's FEMA-issued trailer, where her latest trophy will once again be pawned in order to help pay the bills. 
Peja Stojakovic Fondly Recalls First Human Head He Played Basketball With #~# NEW ORLEANS—Hornets small forward Peja Stojakovic entertained his teammates Tuesday with his heartwarming tale of growing up in war-torn Croatia and waking up one Christmas morning to find a brand new regulation human head under the tree. "Of course my parents could not afford it, but I didn't know that, and I could not contain myself as I unwrapped the bow and immediately started scuffing up the face with sandpaper so I could get a better grip," said Stojakovic, recalling the pride he felt when he showed his father that he could grip the head with one hand. "I can still remember the sound that the head would make when it went through the coiled razor-wire net. My mother, she used to get angry because I was bouncing the head in the house all the time, but she always encouraged me to work on my head-handling skills." Stojakovic said that he eventually lost the old head—which by then had become discolored and lost most of its skin—when it landed in the yard of a neighbor who refused to give it back.
BCS Picture Made Clearer By Pretending Certain Teams Don't Exist #~# NEW YORK—Faced with ongoing criticism of what many believe is a flawed system, representatives from the Bowl Championship Series assured college football fans Wednesday that the NCAA football title picture becomes much less complicated when one simply pretends certain teams do not exist. 
Biggest NFL Coach Press-Conference Meltdowns #~# Watching a coach blow his cool is a treasured football tradition. Here are the ones that made press-conference history:
Kerry Collins Credits Current Success To Drinking Even More Before Games #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Titans quarterback Kerry Collins told reporters Sunday that his 9-0 record as a starter this season was largely due to drinking heavily before games in order to clarify his field vision, increase his arm strength by an estimated 50 percent, and give himself the courage to make throws he would not attempt while sober. "A couple shots of confidence before I go out on the field and I'm not afraid to do anything," said Collins, swaying back and forth slightly as he outlined his pregame routine. "When you look up and there's 16 guys in the box, you know you have to get rid of the ball right away. And if I hold on to the ball too long and I get hit, you don't, I don't feel, don't feel shit. Plus, the team. Lets me team leader. Leader-leader-leader…ship!" When asked how he orchestrated the Titan's comeback against the Jaguars, Collins claimed he blacked out during the second half and only remembers trying to belch the alphabet backwards.
Dems Leave Lieberman Unpunished #~# Despite his support of Sen. John McCain's presidential bid, the Democratic Caucus voted to let Sen. Joe Lieberman keep his position chairing the Homeland Security and Government Affairs Committee. What do you think? 
Cardinals Find Themselves In Wouldn't-Hurt-To-Win-But-Don't-Really-Have-To Situation #~# PHOENIX—With a cushy four-game lead in their division following their 26-20 win over the Seahawks last week, the Arizona Cardinals head into week 12 of the regular season in a crucial wouldn't-hurt-to-win-but-don't-really-have-to situation. "As Arizona Cardinals, there is nothing we prepare for more than these at-first-glance-big-but-truly-unimportant-in-the-greater-scheme-of-things games," head coach Ken Whisenhunt said in a press conference earlier this week. "We need to get out there, play physical, and execute, though if we don't it probably won't be the worst thing in the world. I can already see one or two games after this one that are more important, and that's not even counting the playoffs, which we're pretty much guaranteed to make at this point." Whisenhunt added that playing in the worst division in football makes it hard to estimate his team's chances against the Giants but "certainly has its compensations." 
Jimmie Johnson's Car Put Out To Stud #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Hendrick Motorsports confirmed what many NASCAR fans had suspected all season, announcing Wednesday that Jimmie Johnson's number 48 Chevrolet Impala would be put out to stud, ending its career in stock-car racing and living out the rest of its service life siring the cars of tomorrow.
Seahawks QB Matt Hasselbeck Returns From Injury For Some Reason #~# SEATTLE—After missing five games with a bulging disc in his back, Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck returned to his 2-8 last-place team Sunday for reasons that are unknown at this time. "Well, that was pointless," a visibly exhausted Hasselbeck said after throwing for 170 yards and three interceptions in the Seahawks' 26-20 home loss. "I guess I thought I owed it to my teammates to go through that with them, but looking back on it, no one would wish that on another person. I mean, that game was quite possibly more painful than the extensive nerve damage in my back that kept me out. I can't remember why I decided to suit up for this one." When asked if he intended to play this Sunday against the Redskins, Hasselbeck responded by asking why, in God's name, he would do that.
I'm Not One Of Those 'Love Thy Neighbor' Christians #~# Everybody has this image of "crazy Christians" based on what they hear in the media, but it's just not true. Most Christians are normal, decent folks. We don't all blindly follow a bunch of outdated biblical tenets or go all fanatical about every bit of dogma. What I'm trying to say is, don't let the actions of a vocal few color your perceptions about what the majority of us are like.
Holiday Blockbuster Season Approaches #~# This month, Hollywood begins launching its holiday blockbusters. Here are some of the movies on the release schedule:
If Only Someone Had Written A Song Describing The Bittersweet, Cyclical Nature Of The Father-Son Relationship #~# Over the years, music has covered a wide range of human emotions. But one aspect of the human condition that has never been evoked by a single musician is the complex relationship between father and son. I'm speaking specifically here about the strained bond that forms between the two when the father's neglect for his boy ultimately leads to the son's neglect for his father. 
Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm #~# HOMESTEAD, FL—A 14-foot crocodile bit off President Bush's left arm at the shoulder Monday, a White House memo reported. Bush, who was reportedly standing waist-deep in a swamp at Everglades National Park when the crocodile struck, also sustained severe puncture wounds and torn flesh in his hip and upper thigh. According to witnesses, Bush attempted to fend off the large reptile with his left arm, but the crocodile latched onto it above the elbow, dragged the president underwater, and ripped his arm from its socket. Bush's severed arm was unable to be recovered. Doctors confirmed that he will be fitted with a prosthetic limb in a procedure Friday, and that he is currently being treated for sepsis. Bush is resting comfortably in Annapolis Naval Hospital.
Mark Cuban Sued For Insider Trading #~# Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is being sued by the Securities and Exchange Commission for selling his interest in Mamma.com after receiving information that had not yet been made public. What do you think? 
Thousands Gather For Stuffing Of Giant Rockefeller Center Turkey #~# NEW YORK—In what has become a Thanksgiving tradition, more than 10,000 locals and tourists alike braved the cold Monday to watch the annual stuffing of the Rockefeller Center Turkey. 
History Doomed To Repeat Itself, Reports Man Who Just Dropped Food On Pants #~# DENVER—After dropping a chili dog in his lap Tuesday, area resident Marcus Nielson addressed the food-related blunder, calling it but another example of how history, marred by the inevitable folly of man, repeats itself. "Will mankind never learn?" asked Nielson, gazing into the middle distance, his outstretched palm holding a limp and sodden paper plate. "Sausages, ground beef, onions, garlic—oh, what blind and obstinate fools we've been!" According to friends, Nielson has previously compared the spilling of macaroni salad to "the inexorable march of time: its conclusion already a certainty," likened the tipping over of various beverages to the "age-old dance between balance and chaos," and once, after falling down an entire flight of stairs, remarked, "Jesus fucking Christ."
Missing Beatles Track Confirmed #~# In an interview with the BBC, Paul McCartney confirmed the existence of a 14-minute track the Beatles recorded for an electronic music festival. What do you think? 
Co-Op Casino Robbed Again #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time this month, with more than $250,000 reportedly being stolen from the democratically run gambling house's main vault. Although police are currently going down the list of the casino's members, all of whom have access to the safe for one weekend each month, in hopes of catching a break in the case, it is still unknown who was on cash-pile-guarding duty at the time of the robbery. "They even took the wicker basket we keep the money in," said a casino member and 1/360th-part owner known as "Stuef." "This is not my fault, okay, guys? I switched guard shifts with Petula two weeks ago. I even drew arrows on the sign-up calendar and everything." Thus far, no firings have been made or even suggested, but the casino's members have agreed to beef up oversight measures by replacing the position of casino pit boss with a 15-person pit coordinating committee.
Fraternity In Danger Of Losing House Launches Harebrained Scheme To Fix Economy #~# DURHAM, NC—When the residents of Sigma Alpha Theta house learned last week that the 80-year-old building they call home was under threat of foreclosure, they decided to take matters into their own hands by devising a wacky, R-rated plan to completely repair the battered American economy.
Suicide Rate Jumps In White Middle-Aged Population #~# Between 1999 and 2005, the number of suicides among white middle-aged Americans increased 17 percent. What do you think? 
According To Jim #~# ABC
Blistex Executive Makes Fool Of Himself At Lip-Balm Conference #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—While attending the lip-balm industry's largest annual conference, Blistex marketing executive Bernard Ganley committed a number of embarrassing social gaffes, breached several codes of conduct, and generally acted in a manner unbefitting a major lip-balm company representative, sources reported Thursday. 
Built For Speed #~# SPEED
Supreme Court Upholds Bill Of Rights In 5-4 Decision #~# WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court narrowly ruled to uphold the Bill of Rights, the very tenets upon which American society is based. "After carefully considering the relevance of the 10 inviolable rights that comprise the ideological foundation on which our nation is built, the court finds that these basic freedoms remain important for the time being, and should not be overturned," read the majority opinion authored by Justice Anthony Kennedy, who cast the tie-breaking vote. "Until such time as it can be definitively proven that citizens no longer require the protections provided by the Bill of Rights, it shall remain the principal legal guidance for the United States of America." The Supreme Court's latest decision comes on the heels of last month's 6-3 ruling to abolish the pursuit of happiness from the three inalienable rights guaranteed by the Declaration of Independence.
Donald Fagen Defends Steely Dan To Friends #~# NEW YORK—While having drinks with friends at a local bar Monday, Donald Fagen, 60, a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee and cofounder of the multiplatinum-selling American rock band Steely Dan, was once again forced to defend his appreciation for the multiplatinum-selling American rock band Steely Dan.
Potential Employers Check Social Networking Sites #~# A recent survey found that one in five employers checked out job applicants on networking sites like Facebook before hiring them. What do you think? 
K9 Cops #~# Animal Planet
One In 4 Mammals In Jeopardy #~# A new study shows that almost 25 percent of mammal species are in danger of going extinct. What do  you  think?
Knicks Fans Discover Striking Palms Together Makes Uplifting And Appreciative Noise #~# NEW YORK—Following the Knicks' surprising 4-2 start, fans' instinctual boos have been interrupted by what many are referring to as "a strange, repeated bringing-together motion of the hands," an act resulting in an uplifting sound that can be used to respond to successful plays by the team. 
Hockey Hall Of Fame Ceremony Held At Steve's Place #~# TORONTO—Despite early concerns about the venue's small size, center Igor Larionov and winger Glenn Anderson were inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame during a 15-minute ceremony over at Steve's place on Howland Avenue. 
Cavaliers Declared NBA Champions As Basketball Knocks Off Early #~# NEW YORK—A happy, triumphant, and visibly relieved LeBron James accepted the 2009 NBA Championship trophy from commissioner David Stern at a small ceremony in New York Wednesday, just hours after the NBA announced that it would be canceling the remainder of the 2008–2009 season to give itself, and sports fans, a much-needed break.
Plaxico Burress Holds Team Meeting To Admit He Was Wide Open #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In an emotional locker-room address to his gathered teammates and coaches, troubled Giants receiver Plaxico Burress admitted to being completely open on a third down play in Sunday's game against the Eagles. "I know I've put this team through a lot this season, but I just want to say that I had a step on him…I was gone," said Burress, who called the meeting after arriving late to practice for the 10th time this season. "I realize this team has rules for everyone else for a reason, and that's to win. And although it's hard for me to say this, we are never going to win if we don't get the ball to me more. I mean, I'm open most plays. We can get through this if, before you do anything else, you look at me." After the meeting, Burress took head coach Tom Coughlin aside to more personally express how he hates running decoy routes and blocking.
Tony Romo Comes Out Of Bye Week Addicted To Heroin #~# IRVING, TX—Disoriented and disheveled Dallas quarterback Tony Romo, dressed in stained clothing and reeking of urine, returned to the Cowboys practice facilities Monday and told his teammates he would do anything to score more heroin. According to team sources, the visibly strung-out Romo dressed for practice with difficulty, walked up to his offensive line, and collapsed under center Andre Gurode before going into mild convulsions and breaking out in a cold sweat. "Get me Popcorn Jones, I gotta see, see him, need to, please, just a little, you holding?" said Romo, rigorously scratching inside the elbow of his throwing arm. "What do you want me to do? I'll throw a touchdown. I will, damn it. Just—I'm fucking dying here. Anything. I'll suck your dick right now. Help me out." Romo was dismissed from practice early for undisclosed medical reasons and is currently nodding off on a filthy mattress in the condemned tenement building where he has been staying lately. 
Lesser-Known Awards In Major League Baseball #~# With Major League Baseball handing out its 2008 seasonal awards this week, Onion Sports runs down the more obscure offerings:
Catchphrase From 'The Love Guru' Overheard #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—A catchphrase from The Love Guru, comedian Mike Myers' latest film, which follows the exploits of a self-help mentor tasked with reuniting a professional hockey player with his wife, was overheard at a local bar, stunned witnesses reported Monday. "I didn't see who was saying it, but I think it was that part from the trailer where Justin Timberlake comes into the scene wearing a Speedo and Mike Myers says, 'It looks like he's smuggling a schnauzer,'" said a visibly distraught Richard Finestra, 28. "Who the hell is going around quoting from that movie? Oh God—and I recognized the line. What does that say about me?" The nation's film experts have urged Americans to remain calm, saying that the statistical likelihood of the movie ever being casually referenced again is roughly 1 in 300,000,000.
Pistons Discover Allen Iverson Does Not Like To Be Thrown From Moving Car #~# DETROIT—After a night of bonding with new teammate Allen Iverson, Pistons players reported Sunday that the eight-time NBA All-Star responded poorly on the drive home when they unbuckled his seat belt, opened the door, and flung him out of a speeding car. "As soon as we all tried to push him out of the open door, he was screaming at us, throwing punches, and scratching at our faces," said shooting guard Richard Hamilton, adding that it took three players to toss the thrashing Iverson from the car. "He really hated it. Naturally, now that we know being forced out of a moving vehicle makes him uncomfortable, we won't do it again, but how could we know? When we did it to Rasheed Wallace, he was cracking up as he bounced and rolled down the highway." Hamilton claimed Iverson would react much more positively to the razor blades they hid in the former MVP's shoe.
I Meant To Vote, But You Know How It Goes #~# Hola, amigos. How's it going with you? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya. I been trying get through a jungle of bullshit, but it grows back as fast as I can cut it down. I finally found some tires for my Festiva. I had to go to like five junkyards before I found some that were any good. I only had to replace one, but I decided to pick up another just in case. Tread's worn on them, but they hold air and that's all I can really hope for.
California Passes Anti-Gay Marriage Legislation #~# Proposition 8, the California measure that bans same-sex marriage, passed by a 52 percent to 48 percent margin. What reasons did people give for voting for it?
I Bet My 40s Are Totally Going To Rock #~# You know what I'm really excited about? Turning 40! The Big Four-Oh. I've got one hell of a landmark birthday coming up, and I'm pumped! I may have spent these past 39 years meandering through life, focused only on petty concerns, without any direction or drive, but not anymore. My unremarkable childhood, my awkward adolescence, my purposeless teens through early 30s—it's all been leading up to this. So look out world, because for the second half of my life, I'm going to rock out like a motherfucker!
Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase #~# WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush sustained 24 broken bones, massive internal hemorrhaging, and a severe concussion Monday after falling down the entire staircase of the 555-foot-tall Washington Monument. According to White House press secretary Dana Perino, Bush was making his weekly climb to the monument's observation floor when he lost his footing on the top step, slipped, and struck each of the obelisk's 897 stairs with the back of his skull during an uncontrolled descent to the base of the structure. President Bush is resting comfortably in Bethesda Naval Hospital. 
Study: Bullies Enjoy Pain Of Others #~# Brain scans showed activity in the pleasure centers of aggressive teens who were exposed to images of one person hurting another. What do you think? 
International Con Man Barack Obama Leaves U.S. With $85 Million In Campaign Fundraising #~# CHICAGO—In a devastating blow to millions of unsuspecting Americans, newly elected president and international con man Barack Obama fled the country Wednesday with nearly $85 million in campaign funds.
Guy You Canvassed With Knows This Great Little Italian Canvassing Place #~# PHILADELPHIA—After 18 long months of nonstop canvassing, it would be nice, now that the election is over, to take a break from it all, and your fellow canvasser Tim Brentley reportedly suggested that the two of you unwind at this great little Italian canvassing place he knows. Brentley, who spent an estimated 4,000 hours canvassing with you in more than 150 different neighborhoods across eight states, lauded the establishment for its quiet ambience and friendly staff, claiming Canvassino would be the perfect place to "forget about canvassing for a while" and just take in the canvass. "Come on, we deserve it," Brentley said. "They have the best canvass in town." Brentley went on to suggest that if the evening's canvassing goes well, perhaps the two of you could canvass back to his place to do a little canvassing and engage in anal sex.
Coworker Has That Excuse That's Going Around #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Digital Copy Shoppe employee Don Newson, 38, called in to work on Wednesday complaining that he was certain he had come down with the 24-hour excuse that has been going around. "My back is killing me, I feel stuffed up, and I have this pounding headache," said Newson, citing the initial symptoms of the excuse, which often afflicts those who are already late for work. "It sucks, because I want to come in, but I don't want anyone else to catch what I've got. I should be fine after sleeping for a couple days." Newson has placed himself on a strict regimen of watching the past six episodes of Entourage on HBO on Demand to cure the excuse.
Emanuel Calls For Auto Industry Bailout #~# Rahm Emanuel, the chief of staff for the president-elect, is calling for a more rapid response to help the struggling auto industry. What do you think? 
New Texas Legislation Would Require Whiskey Bottles To Be Shot Out Of Air Immediately After Being Emptied #~# AUSTIN, TX—A new piece of legislation proposed yesterday on the floor of the Texas Legislature would require that all whiskey bottles be tossed overhead and shot clean out of the air the moment they are emptied. "Every Texan is responsible for disposing of his or her whiskey bottles in the proper fashion," Plano lawmaker Mitch Travelstead said. "By law, this means no longer stopping to wipe your lips with your shirt sleeve, or howling like some rabid dog at that big yellow moon. It's time we got serious." While the new law will likely be strictly enforced, legislators maintained that those without access to firearms could also dispose of their whiskey bottles by having their children toss them off the back of a speeding pickup truck, or by depositing them into the nearest recycling bin.
Majority Of Americans Never Use Physical Education After High School #~# CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Kevin Higgins always hated gym class. Like many of his classmates, he questioned the relevance of things like "exercise" and "physical fitness," and wondered if these skills would ever provide any practical, real-world benefits. Though he endured more than 720 hours of gym over 12 years, the 32-year-old accounting clerk said Monday that he has still never used physical education once in his life.
Spitzer Not Charged #~# Disgraced former New York governor Eliot Spitzer will not be charged for his role in a recent prostitution scandal that brought down his administration. What do you think? 
Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy #~# MENA, AR—After an extensive three-month-long search, the Polk County Sheriff’s Department located missing 9-year-old Joshua Meyers in an abandoned home, rescued the child from his captors, and returned him to his loving parents, the still bound and gagged boy imagined Tuesday. 
Oi! The Americans 'ave Picked A President! #~# Well bless my 'eart and call me Cromwell! The yank election 'as come to an end at last. Isn't it wonderful? A new leader across the pond. And without even cutting off the 'ead of the old president! Blimey, those Americans sure know 'ow to pick a ruler, don't they? Did it with class they did. I only wish I knew 'oo they picked.
Circular Editor Makes Last-Minute Call To Run Fabric Softener As Top Coupon #~# MONTVALE. NJ—In a crucial, 11th-hour decision for one of the tristate area's largest weekly bargain supplements, Pathmark circular editor in chief Daniel Mauzy boldly opted to run a $0.75-off discount on Snuggle fabric softener as this week's top coupon. "The fact is, every other circular in town is going to be running this coupon up top, and if we bury it on page eight, we're the ones who are going to look like idiots," Mauzy said in a hastily convened emergency staff meeting yesterday. "People want to see more Snuggle on the front page, and I think it's high time we gave the people what they want." As a reward for his quick thinking and impeccable journalistic instincts, Mauzy was given a small raise and a mail-in two-for-one rebate on Glade PlugIns. 
Peregrine Falcon Acting Pretty Cocky Since Being Taken Off Endangered Species List #~# WASHINGTON—Only a few short years after being removed from the endangered species list, the American peregrine falcon—once considered a creature of nobility and grace—has transformed into an "unappreciative jerk," wildlife experts reported Monday.
'Jurassic Park' Author Dies #~# Michael Crichton, author of Jurassic Park, Congo, and The Andromeda Strain, died Tuesday at 66. What do you think? 
As An Older World's Strongest Man, There Are Certain Trucks I Can't Pull Anymore #~# Aging is tough. The hardest part for me has been coming to grips with the fact that some of the physical abilities I took for granted when I was younger deteriorated before I really had the chance to appreciate them. I thought I would be fit and healthy forever, and then it's like I woke up one day and suddenly I couldn't see as well, my hearing was bad, and when I went to pull a 40-ton timber truck 110 feet, I could barely get the thing moving. 
Who's Gonna Hallo-wean My Kids Off All This Candy? #~# I've got a little joke for you, loyal readers. Now, I know what you're all thinking: "A joke in your column, Roger? Why, it's going to be lonelier than a cannibal at an All-You-Can-Eat restaurant!" But seriously, hear me out. This one will have you howling like a pack of hyenas. 
Study: Autism Linked To Rainfall #~# A study from Cornell University has found a correlation between higher levels of precipitation and incidences of autism. What do you think?
Kobe Bryant Scores 25 In Holy Shit We Elected A Black President #~# LOS ANGELES—Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant had a typically solid performance from the field last night, scoring 25 points to propel his team to a holy shit, it's hard to believe these words are even gracing this page, but on Tuesday, Nov. 4, 2008, the American people elected a black man to the office of the President of the United States. 
Perkins Management Disappointed To See Daunte Culpepper Leave So Soon #~# ORLANDO, FL—Day manager Gary Campbell of the Perkins restaurant on Conroy Road thanked Daunte Culpepper for his tireless effort, leadership on and off the dining room floor, and dedication to service Tuesday, saying he was saddened to lose a server who had one of the greatest careers in the history of the franchise. "Every Sunday you could count on Daunte to efficiently deliver entrées or find an open table for customers in the face of an oncoming breakfast rush," said Campbell, who was shocked to hear the three-time Perkins employee of the month was retiring. "The fact that he was able to maintain a perfect 158.3 customer satisfaction rating despite working with inexperienced line cooks is incredible. We still believe he can perform at a high level, but respect his decision to walk away from the restaurant game on his own terms." With the departure of Culpepper, Campbell said Perkins would promote journeyman dishwasher-busboy Jeff George from the second shift.
Lee Corso Starting To Feel Weird At College Parties #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—In town with College GameDay for a matchup between No. 1 Alabama and No. 15 LSU, 72-year-old Lee Corso felt awkward as he was surrounded by college students for the first time in his life during a rally thrown by a local fraternity. "God, look at them; they're so young," observed Corso, clutching a red plastic Solo cup filled with Coors Light while huddled in a crowded basement corner with cohosts Chris Fowler and Kirk Herbstreit. "I saw a group of girls come in here that, I swear to God, they looked like they were 13 years old. I mean, they're acting nice enough, taking pictures with me and everything, but come on." Finally unable to bear it any longer, Corso retired to the College GameDay bus and fell asleep while reading his book.
Cory Matthews, Mr. Feeny Share Joyous Moment Following Phillies World Series Victory #~# PHILADELPHIA—Lifetime Phillies fans Cory Matthews, 27, and his former next-door neighbor, educator, and longtime friend, Mr. Feeny, celebrated together after the Phillies captured their first World Series title in 28 years. "I remember when Mr. Matthews attempted to listen to a radio broadcast of a Phillies game during my English class. Now, 15 years later, there's nobody in the world with whom I'd rather celebrate this occasion," the wheelchair-bound Feeny said. "Throughout my years with Mr. Matthews, we've experienced some powerful moments—like when we switched places as teacher and student, or when I babysat him and caught him sneaking into an R-rated movie, or when I got sick because Cory wished I would get sick, prompting him to feel guilty about it—but this is the first time we can experience happiness together as Phillies fans." After their celebration, Matthews and Feeny shared a quiet, solemn moment to remember that Matthews' best friend Shawn Hunter would have been celebrating with them had he not passed away in a motorcycle accident last year.
Brooks Bollinger Best Option At Quarterback For NFL Team #~# DALLAS—Brooks Bollinger, a journeyman third-stringer whose career has found him occupying roster spots behind backups Vinny Testaverde, Kelly Holcomb, and Brad Johnson (twice), is now considered by an NFL team to be their actual best choice at quarterback. "We can win with Brooks," coach Wade Phillips said of the Wisconsin product, whose college and pro careers have been marked by hard work, gutsy play, and handoffs rather than talent. "Must, I mean. We must win with him. We have no choice." Bollinger was unavailable for comment, as he was practicing handoffs to a man named Tashard Choice, who is currently the best option at running back for the same NFL team.
Bobby Simmons Under Impression Nets Are Entering The Bobby Simmons Era #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Following his trade from Milwaukee, small forward Bobby Simmons, who averaged 7.6 points per game in 2007–08 and has only started in one game this season, is under the impression that the New Jersey Nets have entered the Bobby Simmons Era. "The sun has set on the Bobby Simmons Era in Milwaukee, and today marks the dawn of a new day here in New Jersey," said Simmons, a journeyman who has played for four teams in his seven-year career. "I'm certain the front offices have begun to make moves to build the team around me. I just hope Vince Carter knows to step down." As of tip-off, Simmons has yet to be assigned a permanent locker.
The Cowboys Collapse #~# They were a favorite preseason Super Bowl pick, but Dallas is stumbling at the halfway point. What exactly went wrong?
OS X Snow Leopard vs. Windows 7 #~# Microsoft announced it will be releasing a new edition of its operating software, called Windows 7, while Apple is working on its new OS X Snow Leopard.  How will they stack up against each other? 
Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress #~# WASHINGTON—After emerging victorious from one of the most pivotal elections in history, president-elect Barack Obama will assume the role of commander in chief on Jan. 20, shattering a racial barrier the United States is, at long last, shitty enough to overcome.
The Cauldron Of History #~# It has been brought to my attention that another flag-bedecked, bunting-encrusted electoral pantechnicon has been brought to a roaring, shuddering crescendo, climaxing in a orgy of voting never before seen in the history of this Republic as a hundred million tiny souls rushed to negate each others' ballots. How impressive is the willingness of the commoner, that eternal puppet of plutocrats, to invest a few hours in deciding if his life will be directed by the strings on his limbs or the hand up his fundament.
McCain Gets Hammered At Local VFW #~# PHOENIX—After conceding defeat in the 2008 presidential election, former Republican candidate John McCain reportedly got completely hammered Tuesday night at the Veterans of Foreign Wars bar in Phoenix. "I saw this old guy just kind of slumped over his drink for a couple hours before I realized who it was," bartender Rob Dubbin said of the former Navy officer, who sources confirmed arrived at the VFW community tavern around 9 p.m. wearing his lieutenant commander's jacket and cap. "He must have had about eight or nine boilermakers in all. I heard him muttering something about 'Pennsylvania,' I think, but other than that he was pretty quiet." Sources said McCain continued to drink alone until well after 3 a.m., at which point fellow patrons had to carry the sleeping senator to a couch in the back office.
All The Electric Premonition That Rides The Sky Being A Drama Of Human Devising #~# In the morning, Electorate, he passes people trooping away from home with their newspapers, bearers of a weight that goes beyond pounds and ounces. They headed up an avenue still blistered with the flotsam of campaign advisers, of newspapermen. Men and women, almost in single file, leaning into wind, faces steeled against complaint, obligated to carry this load. They are standard-bearers, foot-soldiers, walk-on spear-carriers with tiny but necessary roles, of an idea first given a name by ancient Greeks. No one can say for sure yet if it really works.
Hillary Clinton Resumes Attacking Obama #~# NEW YORK—Less than 20 minutes after Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States, New York senator Hillary Clinton officially resumed her political attacks against the senator from Illinois. "My fellow Americans, I admire Barack Obama, but in his first 20 minutes as president-elect, he has failed time and time again to deliver the change he promised," the former Democratic presidential candidate said at a small rally in Harlem. "Mr. Obama may deliver a rousing victory speech, but right now this country needs more than just speeches. It needs real leadership." In addition to her numerous scheduled public appearances, Clinton has also released a series of coordinated television and radio ads questioning the near-half-hour Obama has spent away from the White House, his failure to meet with a single foreign leader at Camp David since being elected, and the current lack of any female or minority appointments to his cabinet.
A Message From FBI Agent Lucas Emerson #~# To Whom It May Concern: 
Auto Sales Hit 25-Year Low #~# In the face of a weakening economy, U.S. auto sales fell to their lowest level since 1983. What do you think? 
Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job #~# WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation's broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, "It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can't catch a break."
KLEMKE WINS! #~# WICHITA, KS—In a thrilling conclusion to one of the longest and most anticipated elections in U.S. history, charismatic Democrat Alan Klemke has defeated opponent Carl Ferguson to become the new alderperson for Wichita's 4th District.
Republican Party, Average Working Joe Bid One Another Adieu Until 2012 #~# WASHINGTON—As the 2008 presidential campaign came to a close Tuesday, the Republican Party and the average American hard-working Joe bid each other a fond farewell at a small rally in Pennsylvania, vowing to meet once again, as scheduled, at the dawn of the next election season. "The Republican Party wishes to thank the Joe for his cooperation and faithful support, and we look forward to acknowledging his needs again in 2012," said GOP representative Luke Hayes, moments before getting in a car and heading back to Washington. "Until then, old friend, we'd just like to say happy trails to you and best of luck." Representatives for the average working Joe reported that the time spent together had been a pleasure, even though he did not actually get around to voting this year.
Magical Voting Booth Transforms Clearheaded Americans Into Reactionist Morons #~# DENVER—A voting booth stationed at the fifth district municipal center in Denver possesses the otherworldly power to transform rational Americans into impulsive and narrow-minded morons, sources reported Tuesday. According to election officials, just by stepping inside the magical booth and drawing its curtain shut, well-informed Americans are suddenly altered, their ability to reason without bias or prejudice vanishing into thin air. "It was like I became this completely different person—someone afraid of Mexicans stealing his job, of admitting defeat in Iraq, of finally going against the status quo," said Michael Walker, one of the thousands of voters momentarily transformed by the mystical enclosure. "The man who pulled the lever inside that booth…that wasn't me. Dear God, what have I done?" The magical voting booth was reportedly only one of many unexplained Election Day phenomena, which included the sudden disappearance of 6,000 ballots from the state of Florida.
Long Lines Anticipated At Polls #~# Despite early voting, some are expecting a record turnout and long lines at polling places Tuesday. What do you think? 
Bush: 'Can I Stop Being President Now?' #~# WASHINGTON—In a press conference held this morning on the White House lawn, President Bush formally asked the assembled press corps and members of his own administration if, in light of today's election, he could stop being the president now. "So it's over, right? Can I stop being president now?" Bush said after striding to the podium in a Texas Rangers cap and flannel shirt, carrying a fully packed suitcase. "Let's just say I'm done as of now. Presidency over." When informed by Washington Post reporter David Broder that his presidency would continue through early January, Bush stared at him quizzically, sighed, and shuffled silently back into the White House.
McCain Refusing To Tell Voters What's In Box Unless Elected #~# WASHINGTON–With just one day before voters head to the polls, presidential candidate John McCain told the American people Monday that, unless elected, he would never reveal the contents of his secret mystery crate. "My friends, it's time we faced the major question of our day, and that question is: what's he got inside that thing?" said the Senator, thumping the sequined container with his fist and raising a single eyebrow. "It might be cash, or a way to fix the economy. One thing's for sure, though—it'd be a real shame to miss it." At press time, Sen. McCain's Mystery Box plan is expected to do better than his pledge to "utterly destroy" all who cross him.
Here's How You Win An Election, Mr. McCain #~# Oh no! It looks like John McCain's in a lot of trouble, and the election is only a few days away. That shouldn't be too much of a problem, though, because my entire campaign this year was only a few days long, and I won. Mr. McCain seems like a nice man, a lot like that old guy who mops up the cafeteria after-school, so I'll help him out with some campaign advice that worked for me!
Bush Asks Advice For This Friend Of His Who Invaded Iraq #~# WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush has reportedly been soliciting advice from White House aides for a friend of his who ordered military forces to invade Iraq in 2003, sources said Wednesday. According to aides, Bush described his friend as a little taller than himself, a great guy when you get to know him, the president of a country, and somebody who's in a "really tough spot right now." "[Bush] told me that if I had any ideas about how his friend's military could withdraw from the region while keeping his nation's dignity intact and maintaining some semblance of victory, that I should let him know so he could give the message to his friend," said an aide who wished to remain anonymous. "When I asked him if this 'friend' of his was worried about his legacy, the president said he didn't know what I was talking about and walked away." Bush was later overheard asking a female White House aide what she would do if she found herself suddenly and uncontrollably attracted to ABC News political analyst George Stephanopoulos.
Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift #~# CINCINNATI—According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Labor, skyrocketing consumer prices coupled with stagnant wages have forced many Americans to work a fourth shift in another dimension in order to make ends meet. 
Jackson 5 To Reunite #~# Jermaine Jackson announced that the Jackson 5 is reuniting for a tour in 2009. What do you think? 
Burned Lower Half Of Mort's Face Revealed In 'Bazooka Joe' Stunner #~# NEW YORK—The world of bubblegum- related comics was forever changed Monday, when, after more than 50 years, the Bazooka Joe supporting character known as "Mort" finally revealed the lower half of his face to be a grotesque mask of third-degree burns.
The Onion's 2008 In Review: Entertainment #~# This year, tabloid mainstays like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton were largely out of the limelight. What do you think? 
What A Year This Was! #~# Wow! Has it been 365 days already? It seems like just yesterday I was looking back on 2007. I guess it's true that time flies when you're having fun…Hollywood Fun! This year really took the cake, though. Twins for Bradgelina, Olympic mania, and the return of Morton Downey, Jr.! But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's now point backwards to the year that was 2008….
Dame Judi Dench Begins Dating Female DJ #~# LOS ANGELES—Hollywood's paparazzi and celebrity gossip-hounds were abuzz with excitement this year, when notorious party girl and multiple-BAFTA-award-winning actress Dame Judi Dench, 74, entered into a lesbian love affair with a popular nightclub disc jockey.
America's First Gay President Concludes Historic Second Term #~# WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush was unusually reflective in the final weeks of his administration, taking time during speeches and press conferences to look back on key decisions, expound on his legacy, and tout his role in paving the way for the nation's first African-American president by serving eight years as its first openly gay president.
The Onion's 2008 In Review: The Environment #~# The dramatic fall of oil prices to under $50 a barrel has silenced much of the talk of alternative energy and oil independence that was so prevalent over the summer. What do you think? 
Earth, Prepare To Meet Thy DOOM! #~# This past earthly solar cycle was one to be remembered. A year of change. A year of hope. Pitiful, misplaced hope! But by far, the single most important issue of the year was that of the environment. For in the miserable annals of the Earth, this shall forever be remembered as the year I, Gorzo, destroyed your planetary environment once and for all!
Hurriphoonado Cuts Swath Of Destruction Across Eastern, Western Hemispheres #~# WASHINGTON—In what many are calling the most devastating natural disaster of 2008, a massive hurriphoonado touched down in Southeast Asia this summer, upending countless homes and drowning thousands before picking up speed and also ravaging the other six continents.
Emerging Technologies #~# —>—> 
Typo In Proposition 8 Defines Marriage As Between 'One Man And One Wolfman' #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Activists on both sides of the gay marriage debate were shocked this November, when a typographical error in California's Proposition 8 changed the state constitution to restrict marriage to a union between "one man and one wolfman," instantly nullifying every marriage except those comprised of an adult male and his lycanthrope partner. "The people of California made their voices heard today, and reaffirmed our age-old belief that the only union sanctioned in God's eyes is the union between a man and another man possessed by an ungodly lupine curse," state Sen. Tim McClintock said at a hastily organized rally celebrating passage of the new law. But opponents, including Bakersfield resident Patricia Millard—who is now legally banned from marrying her boyfriend, a human, non-wolfman male—claim it infringes on their civil liberties. "I love James just as much as a wolfman loves his husband," Millard said. "We deserve the same rights as any horrifying mythical abomination." On the heels of the historic typo, voters in Utah passed a similar referendum a week later, defining marriage as between one man and 23 wolfmen.
Area Woman Becomes Republican Vice Presidential Candidate #~# WASILLA, AK—In a dramatic capper to a year that already saw her son's hockey team go to district finals, a successful remodeling of the den, and her scoring of front-row tickets to a traveling production of the Broadway smash hit Les Misérables, Wasilla resident and former beauty queen Sarah Palin, 44, was chosen as the 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee. The mother of five, who enjoys attending church potluck dinners with husband Todd, an unemployed commercial fisherman, reportedly "jumped at the chance" to become the second most powerful person in the country. "Oh, what a nice thing for [GOP running mate] Sarah [Palin]," said Debbie McInnes, who met Palin two years ago at an advanced step aerobics class at the Wasilla YMCA. "She's such a good person, and so pretty! I think she'd be super-enthusiastic to take on that job." Although Palin ultimately never got the chance to come within a heartbeat of ruling a global superpower and its 300 million citizens, she said she was happy enough to have beaten out the other potential Republican VP candidates, including a Nebraska receptionist and a congresswoman from Ohio with more than 20 years of political experience.
The Onion's 2008 In Review: Politics #~# In 2008, two Democratic governors, Eliot Spitzer of New York and Rod Blagojevich of Illinois, were disgraced by illegal activities. What do you think? 
Political Goals For 2009 #~# Smoove is not a political man. However, during the most recent election, something changed for Smoove. He has found a purpose. A new desire.
Barack Obama Defeats Barack Hussein Obama #~# WASHINGTON—In one of the most hotly contested and pivotal races in U.S. history, Democratic candidate Barack Obama emerged victorious on Nov. 4, beating out the one man who could have taken the presidency away from him, Barack Hussein Obama. 
Explore Your Year: Timeline 2008 #~# An exhaustive recap of every important event:
Housing Crisis Vindicates Guy Who Still Lives With Parents #~# OKLAHOMA CITY—In a year that saw a record number of mortgage defaults and home foreclosures, part-time landscaper Ben Foster, 34, was publicly vindicated in his bold decision, made back in the spring of 1996, to continue living with his parents. "It's like I've been telling my buddies for eight to 12 years now: 'Why get in over your head before you're ready?'" Foster said in praise of the no-risk, meals-included housing agreement he has maintained on and off since birth. "Sometimes it just makes more sense to be fiscally conservative, especially if you can move into the basement and set things up just how you like them." Leading financial analysts said Foster will likely remain secure in his current situation until skyrocketing medical costs force his aging parents to sell the house.
How Did The Economy Go Bad? #~# In 2007, the economy was extremely robust.  Less than 12 months later, the United States is facing a plunging stock market, record unemployment and total credit collapse.  How, specifically did this happen?
WaMu Files For ChapLev #~# SEATTS—Citing fallout from the sub-p mortgage disast, WaMu was forced to file for ChapLev this past Septems. "We tried to negosh our way out of total insolves, but we're in a pretty bad resesh," WaMu spokesperson William "Dubs" McClough said. "This could turn into full-on economic depresh. It's totes ridic." Dubs went on to add that all of the bank's liabilities, including deposits, covered bonds, and other secured debt, would be assumed by JP-Morgan Chase—with the exception of unsecured senior debt, which is prioritized ahead of all other subordinated debts in the event of default— thus protecting depositors and limiting insurance liability to the FDIC.
The Onion's 2008 In Review: The Economy #~# The Dow Jones Industrial Average has fallen nearly 6,000 points since reaching its all-time high of more than 14,000 last year. What do you think? 
We're In An Economy-Sized Pickle! #~# Refusing to buy all this news about the economy being in the ol' litter box? Well, believe it. It's true! And how does your pal Jean know this? Because I'm being forced to—get this—take a second job! What more crystal-clear indicator do you need that our country isn't doing so hot?
$700 Billion Bailout Celebrated With Lavish $800 Billion Executive Party #~# GEORGE TOWN, CAYMAN ISLANDS—Amid the bleak backdrop of imminent economic collapse, worried observers got some good news last October when executives from the nation's top 10 failing companies celebrated the historic $700 billion government bailout with an ultra- extravagant $800 billion party aimed at restoring confidence and bolstering their resolve.
A Commercial For Mortgages That Looks Like A News Report #~# ABC
Scientists Warn Large Earth Collider May Destroy Earth #~# BATAVIA, IL—In October, Fermilab scientists joined a growing number of physicists around the world in warning that the Very Large Earth Collider—a $117 billion electromagnetic particle accelerator built to study astronomical phenomena by colliding Earth into various heavenly bodies—could potentially destroy Earth when it sends the planet careening headlong into Mars, Jupiter, or even the sun.
China Hosts Realistic-Looking Olympics #~# BEIJING—Long after the closing ceremonies of last August's XXIX Olympiad, participants and spectators from around the world were still talking about the incredibly lifelike, almost realistic atmosphere the nation of China was able to bring to the Games.
As Of This Briefing, We Have Commenced Operation Global Penumbra #~# Good afternoon, gentlemen, Mei-Ling, Your Grace, Madame Secretary. Welcome to the Department for Special Acquisitions and Liquidations. May I entreat you to take your seats? I thank you all for arriving early and am sorry there was not time to brief you en route. I'm sure you'll understand our need for expediency when I tell you that 18 hours and 33 minutes ago our department, sensing the worldwide sociopolitical climate was favorable to our needs, launched DSAL Project GFG-33.1 variant 4, code referent "Penumbra" in every nation you all serve and/or represent.
Roger Federer Turns Out To Be Awful Tennis Player #~# By winning only the U.S. Open in 2008 and dropping his No. 1 ranking for the first time in four years, 13-time major champion Roger Federer demonstrated to sports fans worldwide that he is actually an awful tennis player and utterly incapable of winning every single tournament in which he participates. "After he convincingly won five straight Wimbledons, and three majors apiece in 2004, 2006, and 2007, I thought he was actually a passable player. However, it turns out that was all a fluke and he is terrible," Boston Globe columnist Bud Collins wrote last July after Federer finished an execrable second at Wimbledon. "I would rather saw off my own leg than have to watch Roger Federer play what he calls 'tennis.'" Federer's year was made worse when, after being unable to defeat Novak Djokovic in straight sets during their U.S. Open semifinals match, professional golfer Tiger Woods called Federer and ended their friendship.
Overconfident Big Brown Parties All Night Before Belmont Stakes #~# BELMONT, NY—After a night of drinking heavily in New York City clubs, Big Brown's arrogant guarantee that he would win the Belmont Stakes to become an historic Triple Crown winner went unfulfilled July 7 as the badly hungover colt slowly trotted around the track, occasionally pausing to dry-heave before finishing in last place. "Normally, Big Brown and I will each have a glass of bourbon together to unwind the night before a race," said Richard E. Dutrow, Jr., Brown's confidant and trainer. "But he was out of control, picking up the entire bottle with his muzzle and chugging it all in one long pull. And when he left the stables to go out clubbing, he was just buying round after round of drinks." Dutrow, who said that at one point during the evening Big Brown climbed up on the bar and started dancing, was relieved that the thoroughbred was smart enough not to get behind the wheel in his impaired condition.
2008 In Review: World Affairs #~# One of the biggest challenges facing the incoming Obama administration is repairing the damage to our international image. What do you think? 
North Korea Releases New Paintings Of Healthy Kim Jong Il #~# PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In an effort to dispel rumors of leader Kim Jong Il's failing health, the North Korean government released several new up-to-the-minute paintings in late September depicting the Asian dictator in peak physical condition.
Iran's Nuclear Operation Revealed To Be Cover For Greatest Roller Coaster Ever #~# TEHRAN, IRAN—Nearly 30 years of tense relations between the U.S. and Iran came to a dramatic end this March when Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad revealed that his country’s suspected nuclear program was in fact a covert operation to build “Ali Baba and the 40 Loops”—the largest, most thrilling roller coaster in the Middle East.
Iraq's Little Victories #~# After a busy election season, it's easy to forget that while the two candidates were fighting over the presidency, we were still fighting a war in Iraq. Here's some of the good news from the front lines that you may not have heard:
Brett Favre Just Chucks Reputation Up There #~# NEW YORK—Just weeks after safely handing off his legacy to historians and retiring as one of the most beloved sports figures in recent memory, Packer legend Brett Favre decided to make one last desperate heave for glory by signing with the New York Jets. "If I've learned one thing in my life, it's that sometimes you just have to put everything you got into one last desperate hurl for it all," Favre said after agreeing to a one year, $12 million Hail Mary contract. "I just thought I'd take everything I've come to represent, whip it as far and as fast as I could, and see who came down with it." Favre did not comment on whether or not he considered signing with the Jets to be a successful completion of his career or life.
Most Overlooked Sports Stories Of 2008 #~# Chase Utley is struck by a record-breaking seven consecutive pitches while sitting in the Phillies dugout
Phillies Win World Series, Nation Thinks #~# PHILADELPHIA—Americans are fairly sure, though unable to say for certain, that the Philadelphia Phillies won the 2008 World Series, thereby breaking their city's longstanding sports-championship drought. 
Eli Manning Wins Biggest Game Of Tom Brady's Life #~# GLENDALE, AZ—With his perfect season and the Patriots’ championship at stake in Super Bowl XLII, celebrity athlete and future Hall of Fame quarterback Tom Brady dug deep within himself to be outplayed by Giants journeyman passer Eli Manning.”To raise the level of our game and win on the biggest stage like this—it feels amazing,” everyone assumed four-time Pro Bowler Brady would say following the historic game, only to hear those words spoken not only by a Manning, but by a non-Peyton Manning. Given the chance to become the only team in league history to go 19-0, Brady put his team on his shoulders and led the Patriots in a fourth-quarter comeback, scoring the go-ahead touchdown late in the game, an inspiring 12-play drive topped only by Manning’s own 12-play touchdown drive immediately afterwards, a feat the Giants QB referred to as “cool.” Manning followed up his Super Bowl MVP performance by not ripping up his ACL or MCL in the 2008 season.
Bush Frustrated By Mother's Constant Questioning Of His Plans Post-White House #~# WASHINGTON—With his departure from office only weeks away, President George W. Bush told reporters Monday that he is "fed up" with the way his mother, former first lady Barbara Bush, keeps pestering him about his post–Oval Office plans.
Town Fails To Rally Around Adult Trapped In Well #~# CATONSVILLE, MD—Tragedy failed to strike the small suburban town of Catonsville this week, when local resident and full-grown adult Michael Ennis fell down an abandoned well, spraining both of his ankles and drawing the sympathy of absolutely no one. 
Bettie Page Dead #~# Infamous '50s pinup icon Bettie Page died yesterday at the age of 85 from the complications of a heart attack. What do you think?
145-Pound Mom #~# TLC
Cranberry Juice Industry Hoping 2009 A Big Year For Urinary Tract Infections #~# LAKEVILLE, MA—The nation's leading cranberry juice producers announced Monday that they are banking on a record number of Americans suffering from urinary tract infections in 2009. "If our projections are correct and current trends in rough, dry sex continue, we'll see a spike in sales starting in mid-January," Ocean Spray CEO Randy Papdellis said during a press conference. "We don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but several factors also indicate that bathroom hygiene amongst women is due for a significant downturn. This could be the breakthrough we've been waiting for." Pharmaceutical manufacturers, who carefully observe Ocean Spray's projections, are also optimistic that the vast increase in cranberry juice consumption will boost the sales of over-the-counter antidiarrheals.
Manager Achieves Full Mastery Of Pointless Managerial Jargon #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—During what was described to them as "a look-forward meeting to discuss and evaluate the company's event-chain methodology," MediaLine employees stood with mouths agape Wednesday as they witnessed the very moment at which project manager James Atkins attained complete mastery over the fine art of meaningless corporate doublespeak.
Amsterdam To Shutter Some Coffee Shops, Brothels #~# In an effort to stem organized crime, Amsterdam announced that it would be closing many of its brothels and marijuana-friendly cafes. What do you think?
Mrs. Dr. #~# CBS
McCain Stares At Screen, Attempts To Write Family Christmas Letter #~# SEDONA, AZ—After procrastinating for several hours by watching It's A Wonderful Life and old John Wayne movies, former Republican presidential nominee John McCain finally sat down at the computer to type his annual "Christmas Bulletin" to friends and family early this afternoon, but found himself completely blocked. "They say you're never too old to learn," McCain slowly typed before pausing, reading the sentence over, and tapping the backspace key until it was deleted. Forty-five minutes later, after two aborted attempts to compose the letter from the point of view of the family cat, Oreo, and another about what 2009 held in store for the McCain clan, the Arizona senator took a break to make a cup of hot cocoa and listen to the grandfather clock ticking in the background. "Jesus," McCain mumbled. "Jesus Christ." McCain returned to the den around 5:30 p.m., at which point he placed a fresh stack of candy-cane stationery in the printer, stared at the screen for another 10 minutes, and finally decided to go to sleep for a long, long time.
Lie To Cover Surprise Party Sounds More Fun Than Surprise Party #~# HOPATCONG, NJ—A lie told to 28-year-old Kyle Bida to cover up a surprise birthday party to be held in his honor later this evening sounds a lot more fun than the actual party will be. "Why don't you come over to my place to play Xbox and drink a few beers?" said best friend Louis Welles, leading Bida to believe he might have an enjoyable, relaxing evening rather than one spent making forced small talk with coworkers and a few cousins he doesn't see that often. "And don't forget to dress up a little bit, man. We're going to hit the bars later." Though Bida is doomed to an evening far inferior to the one described to him by Welles, most of the guests will likely leave early, using excuses that are more boring than what they actually plan to do.
Jerry Jones Probably Thinking About Signing Michael Vick #~# DALLAS—Dallas head coach Wade Phillips speculated Wednesday that if recent history is any indicator, Jerry Jones is "almost certainly" considering the option of signing former Falcons quarterback and current incarcerated felon Michael Vick to the Cowboys. "Mike Vick is a guy who not only holds the same values as Jerry, but epitomizes what the Cowboys mean to the NFL," Phillips said. "Jerry has set up our program so that any thug, gangster, or hooligan can immediately make a contribution, not just to this team, but to this community. And while Jerry doesn't put much emphasis on criminal records and statistics, I know that he's always been impressed with what Vick has achieved." Jones was unavailable for comment as he was conducting contract negotiations with an expert in discreetly overriding ankle monitors.
Offense: Visual Evidence Suggests Linebackers Will Blitz #~# MIDFIELD—Highly placed sources on the offense, including an individual who is reportedly lined up under the center, are claiming to have conclusive evidence that the middle linebacker and one or both outside linebackers will blitz immediately after the ball is snapped. "Blitz! Blitz! Watch for the blitz!" multiple individuals at the scene were heard to say, suggesting that purposeful movement towards or up to the neutral zone had been observed. "They're coming!" Neither blocking nor ball-handling personnel had commented on their plans to either pick up or avoid the blitz as of press time.
Saving The Lions #~# The 2008 Detroit Lions are officially one of the worst teams in NFL history. What does the franchise have to do to turn itself around?
Area Child Can't Bring Self To Look Up To Eli Manning #~# HAZLET, NJ—Twelve-year-old Giants fan Jesse Kenney revealed today that, try though he might, he simply can't muster up the necessary respect to idolize Giants QB and Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning. "I mean, he's great and everything…. Well, not great, but definitely pretty good," said the lifelong Giants fan, sporting his favorite Justin Tuck jersey for the interview. "I mean, he's a starting quarterback, and Kerry [Collins] and Kurt [Warner] were definitely my favorite players when they were around. It's just…. He's Eli, you know? He kinda reminds me of my baby brother Nicky. Nicky was just born in March, right after the Super Bowl. I like to put his little Giants hat on when I take care of him." When informed of Kenney's difficulties, Manning furrowed his brow, pouted, and began to cry.
Defense: Watch For The Screen, Watch For The Screen #~# MIDFIELD—As their opponent prepares to snap the ball, ranking members of the defense, which is currently positioned for a blitz, are cautioning their members to be alert for the possibility of a blitz-evading screen pass. "Watch the screen! Watch out for the screen!" said one top defensive player, whose position in the very middle of the formation is generally considered to give him a better view and thus a better opportunity to predict the actions of the offense. "Screen!" Meanwhile, sources in the defensive backfield, while not ruling out the screen, are said to be considering the possibility of the offense running the draw.
Illinois Governor Arrested #~# Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested Tuesday on corruption charges stemming from an alleged conspiracy to sell or trade the Senate seat left vacant by Barack Obama. What do you think?
Report: Everyone Watching Football Game Evidently Needs New Car, Shower, Shave #~# NEW YORK—According to demographic analysis released Tuesday by the Elias Sports Bureau, all 17 million people who watched NFL football games aired from Sunday afternoon through Monday night are so desperately in need of a new car, great quantities of soap, and effective shaving tools that they need to be reminded of these facts during every stoppage in play. "Our study indicates that these men are lacking high-endurance body washes, five-bladed razors, and practical yet sporty urban-utility vehicles with antilock brakes and strong, contemporary styling," said Jonathan Gabrus, head of football statistics at ESB. "It seems like the only way to get the message out is to constantly remind these people using short, persuasive video clips featuring flashy editing and catchy jingles." In a related study, ESB has discovered that baseball fans are prone to car accidents and cannot achieve an erection.
Loose Ball Evades Entire NBA #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—A Devin Harris three-point attempt that caromed wildly off the back of the rim during the third quarter of Wednesday night's New York Knicks–New Jersey Nets game has created a disruption involving the entire NBA, with all 450 of the league's players attempting to scoop up the loose ball and gain possession for their respective teams. 
At This Point In The Plan, The Mice Will Be Very Surprised #~# They will be surprised, that much is certain. Every precaution has been taken to ensure it. The mice, they will not see it coming.
College Too Expensive? #~# The National Center for Public Policy and Higher Education issued a report last week warning that college costs are in danger of outstripping family income. What are some cost-cutting measures universities can take to ensure they're more affordable?
It's Okay, I'm Attractive #~# No need to worry, I'm here now.
Either Someone 14th Caller Or Everything On Fire At Spanish Radio Station #~# SAN JOSE, CA—According to sources, either a listener of local Spanish-language radio program Mañana Gigante con Luis y Moon Dog has just won some sort of promotional contest by being the 14th caller or the entire radio station is currently engulfed in flames. Protracted screams of "aye, aye, aye, muy caliente!" and "en fuego!" could be heard on the broadcast of either the celebratory exultation or out-of-control blaze, and were accompanied by the sounds of loud sirens, breaking glass, and dogs barking. As of press time, no emergency vehicles have been dispatched to the scene, and several witnesses have reportedly turned the dial to classic rock station 101.9 the Eagle just in time to catch the solo of either "War Pigs" or "Iron Man."
Supreme Court Overturns Bush v. Gore #~# WASHINGTON—In an unexpected judicial turnaround, the Supreme Court this week reversed its 2000 ruling in the landmark case of Bush v. Gore, stripping George W. Bush of his earlier political victory, and declaring Albert Arnold Gore the 43rd president of the United States of America. 
Tribune Media Files For Bankruptcy #~# Tribune Media, the parent company of the Chicago Tribune, the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Cubs, and many other organizations filed for bankruptcy Monday. What do you think? 
Tennis Ball Brought On Trip #~# FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Jeremy McCormick, 14, confirmed Tuesday that he brought a tennis ball on his trip to Florida. "I figured I'd bring it just in case," McCormick told reporters, adding that he has packed a tennis ball on all six of his previous trips. "Maybe I'll toss it around, I don't know." McCormick later stated that he couldn't recall the last time he actually removed the tennis ball from his duffel bag, which also includes an unused Nike bathing suit and a paperback copy of Michael Crichton's Congo.
'Bard' Captivates Potter Fans #~# J.K. Rowling's first post–Harry Potter book, The Tales Of Beedle The Bard, has become another bestseller for the author. What do you think?
Bush's Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall #~# WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush sustained a perforation injury to his right eyelid when a pneumatic nail gun malfunctioned and shot a 12-centimeter-long iron nail that entered Bush's superonasal sclera, exited through his upper eyelid, and then penetraed the wall of the White House Blue Room. The president remained pinned to the wall for a period of 27 hours before help arrived. According to witnesses, Bush was found passed out with blood dripping from his right tear duct. Doctors confirmed that the intraocular foreign body was removed during a four-hour operation Sunday, and reported significant damage to Bush's supratrochlear nerve, likely caused by the president's unsuccessful attempt to forcibly rip his eyelid in half to escape. It is unclear whether he will ever regain sight in his right eye. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.
Staten Island Historians Piece Together Genealogy Of Wu-Tang Clan #~# NEW YORK—In what many are calling the most comprehensive study of its kind, Staten Island historians Robert Wilburn and Charles Tinsley have successfully traced the lines of the infamous Wu-Tang Clan all the way back to 1993 A.D.
Acorns Missing In Northeast #~# In states from Virginia to Maine, oak trees have failed to produce the usual abundance of acorns. What do you think? 
Area Woman Wouldn't Mind Feeding Your Cats #~# HARTFORD, CT—Local neighbor Sarah Dobbs issued a public statement Tuesday notifying you that she is always available and willing to take care of your cats should the need arise.
Your Fifth-Grade Dance Recital #~# TBS
Shitload Of Math Due Monday #~# OLD BRIDGE, NJ—In what many are calling a complete bullshit move, Riverside High School algebra teacher Mrs. Trella, 34, assigned her sixth-period class an assload of math homework due Monday.
Moving To New City To Solve All Of Area Man's Problems #~# ATLANTA—All of area resident Brian Shepard's problems, including his fear of commitment, lack of personal direction, and inability to learn from past failures, will be instantly solved this week when the 29-year-old packs up his belongings and moves to a new city. "Moving to Portland is going to make all the difference in the world," said Shepard, who, just by putting 2,500 miles distance between himself and years of destructive behavior, will suddenly turn his life around. "It won't be anything like Chicago, or Boston, or San Francisco. This is exactly what I need right now." Shepard also plans to completely eliminate his dependence on self-denial by ignoring his dependence on self-denial.
Trampled Wal-Mart Employee's Family Sues Company #~# The family of 34-year-old Jdimytai Damour is suing Wal-Mart for creating the unsafe atmosphere in which he was trampled to death by a crowd of shoppers on Black Friday. What do you think? 
Bill Clinton Agrees To Disclose Guacamole Recipe #~# WASHINGTON—In a major stride toward increased transparency of former presidents' culinary activities, Bill Clinton agreed Monday to disclose a highly guarded guacamole recipe—including a full list of ingredients—so that his wife, Sen. Hillary Clinton, can be named the next Secretary of State. "President Clinton's efforts will help us avoid any potential ethical problems that the continued secrecy of the preparation instructions for this delicious Mexican appetizer could cause," said Obama transition team spokesperson Ian Gloucester, who added that the recipe will be vetted for any undue foreign influence from Middle Eastern flavors such as cumin. "We're just trying to steer clear of the issues that would arise if this dish was to be served in the White House, and it was discovered that the provenance of the recipe was less than savory." Administration insiders said that if the guacamole recipe is traced back to celebrity television chef Rachael Ray, Sen. Clinton will be compelled to decline her nomination.
The Show You'd Rather Watch Than 'Meet The Press' #~# SPIKE
Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—President Bush sustained serious head injuries, massive internal bleeding, and a broken left leg Monday morning after being accidentally dragged behind the presidential motorcade for a period of 15 minutes. According to Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan, Bush's necktie became caught in the trunk of the motorcade's second vehicle at 4:13 p.m., shortly before the driver accelerated. The president was dragged down 175th Street for 26 blocks and through four stoplights, leaving a trail of blood more than a mile long. Upon hearing shouts emanating from behind his vehicle, the driver abruptly applied the brakes, causing the third car in the motorcade to run over the president's left leg at a speed of approximately 25 miles per hour. President Bush is resting comfortably in Bethesda Naval Hospital.
Evander Holyfield Claims His Quest For Severe Brain Damage Keeps Him Fighting #~# ATLANTA—Forty-six-year-old heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield, who has taken hundreds of blows to the head in a career spanning more than 50 professional matches, told reporters Wednesday that he wouldn't stop fighting until a neurological examination reveals that he has acute brain damage. "When I can no longer speak clearly, or remember where I'm from, or what I what I what what, then I'll know it's time to hang up the gloves, but until then I think I want spaghetti for dinner with mushrooms and rubber-band sauce," said Holyfield, adding that his Dec. 20 bout with Russian Nikolai Valuev should put him one step closer to his dream of suffering irreparable tearing and lesions of the brain, and that he likes really big Ferris wheels. "I'm close. I can feel it—the tingling sensation in my hands, the bright lights that hurt my eyes. Maybe a few more [fights] after this one. Okay, Mom, I'm going to bed now. Bye-bye." Holyfield then rubbed the top of his right ear and asked reporters, "What the hell happened here?"
NFL Goes On Nationwide Crime Spree As Plaxico Burress Creates Diversion #~# NEW YORK—NFL players were quick to capitalize on the distraction Plaxico Burress created by shooting himself at a Manhattan nightclub last weekend, embarking on a crime spree that has claimed an estimated 300 lives and inflicted more than $100 million in combined damages.
Charlie Weis Called Before Christ To Discuss Future With Notre Dame #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Jesus Christ, the Son of God and president of Notre Dame football's Booster Club, announced yesterday that head coach Charlie Weis will appear before Him to discuss his future, if any, as coach of the Fighting Irish. "I, like many Notre Dame fans, am disappointed in Weis, and his day of judgment has surely come," Christ, His eyes flashing with righteous flame, said at the Sunday morning press conference. "Escorted by the angelic host and by [Notre Dame athletic director] Jack Swarbrick, I shall sit upon My heavenly throne Monday and, in all My glory, meet with Coach Weis. I am a fair and loving God, and I have always said that the souls of the righteous shall rise to national championships; but also shall the evildoers, like Bob Davie and Gerry Faust, be condemned for all eternity." When asked about the untimely smiting of former coach Tyrone Willingham, Christ said He had no comment, asked for the questioner's name, and left.
Seattle's Disastrous Sports Year Continues With Addition Of Major League Soccer Team #~# SEATTLE—After witnessing its baseball team finish in last place, its NFL team break its streak of five straight playoff appearances, and its NBA team leave for Oklahoma City, Seattle received another blow with the addition of a new Major League Soccer franchise, the Sounders FC. 
Capitol Visitor Center Finally Opens #~# Three years late and nearly $360 million over budget, the Capitol Visitor Center is finally open in Washington, D.C. What do you think? 
Athletes And Guns #~# The recent Plaxico Burress incident is only the latest chapter in a long and unhealthy relationship between sports and firearms. Here are some of the more dramatic examples:
Jason Kidd Describes Feeling 'Unsafe In Own Arena' After Getting Basketball Stolen #~# DALLAS—A distressed and visibly shaken Jason Kidd addressed the Mavericks Tuesday to admit that he no longer felt safe in his own home court after a mysterious figure approached him from behind during the Mavericks' most recent game and took possession of the basketball without his consent. "I don't know if I can go back out there again—it's just too risky," said Kidd, his hoarse voice barely rising above a whisper. "Whoever it was came out of nowhere, and I was unable to protect or secure the basketball before he stole it. I know in my heart that it isn't my fault, but I still feel so…angry and violated." Kidd claimed he has not been this humiliated since an incident in 2001 when police handcuffed him and threw him in the back of a squad car for punching his wife in the face.
Romeo Crennel Upset With Team's Offense And That Nestle Crunch Bars No Longer Come Wrapped In Foil #~# CLEVELAND—At his usual press conference Monday, Browns coach Romeo Crennel expressed disappointment in his offense's poor effort and inability to capitalize on a strong defensive game against the Colts as well as Nestle's decision to no longer package its signature Nestle Crunch bar in aluminum foil. "I have two priorities this week: getting Ken [Dorsey] comfortable and in control on the field, and finding a candy bar that doesn't create a distracting mess in your pocket because of its inferior wrapping," said Crennel, adding that the Crunch bar's foil used to make him feel as if he were eating the chocolate bar from Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. "Dorsey's an outstanding player and we have to support him with quality play. And the Crunch is an outstanding and delicious treat, but it isn't supported by that cheap plastic wrapper. Krackels are good—I gave them out for Halloween this year—but I like Nestle chocolate better." Krennel explained it also is important for backup quarterback Brady Quinn to ice up his broken finger because he "likes it when the candy bars are cold."
Carbon Footprint Reduction Services #~# There are numerous services that allow you to pay into a fund offset your carbon footprint.  But how does it actually work?
Twenty Minutes Spent Making Tuna Fish Palatable #~# PERRY, NY—Local resident Gary Ingram, 28, spent more than a quarter of an hour transforming a wet, grayish pile of canned tuna fish into something he would actually put in his mouth, sources said Monday. "Gotta have some pickles in there," Ingram said after draining the flaccid, oil-soaked fish and adding mayonnaise, red onions, and various other condiments to help mask its actual flavor. "And you can't have a tuna sandwich without some chopped celery and a couple of shots from the ol' Tabasco bottle." Ingram reportedly would have needed an additional 55 minutes of preparation time to make the tuna fish into something he would feel comfortable serving to a group of friends.
Why Don't They Make A Second 'Godfather' Movie? #~# As a bona fide movie buff, it pains me to see the drivel that Hollywood churns out nowadays. Every week it's another lamebrained action flick or raunchy teen comedy aimed at the lowest common denominator. And the most infuriating part is that often there is an idea for an amazing film sitting right under Hollywood's nose and they don't even see it. Sometimes I just want to grab Hollywood by the shoulders, shake it, and tell it what a masterpiece it's missing out on.
Long-Standing Conflict Ends As Israel Returns Lawn Mower To Palestine #~# JERUSALEM—Decades of ethnic tension ceased instantaneously Monday when Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas shook hands over a comprehensive agreement to return a faded green lawn mower first borrowed by Israel in 1949.
Recession Actually Started Last Year #~# The National Bureau of Economic Research announced that we are in an economic recession that began in December of last year. What do you think? 
U.S. Economy Continues Campaigning For Barack Obama #~# WASHINGTON—Nearly a month after Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States, the nation's economy is still going strong in its efforts to secure him the highest office in the land. Through its trifecta of moribund housing prices, a wildly fluctuating stock market, and an unprecedented credit crisis, the U.S. economy helped propel Obama past rival John McCain in polls leading up to the Nov. 4 election—a helpful boost the nation's financial system has since supplemented with the imminent collapse of the Big Three auto manufacturers and looming fears of a long-term depression. "Thanks to the disastrous efforts of our economy, Obama would be virtually unbeatable were he to run again in December or January," CNN political analyst Pat Harris said. "According to the most recent data, Obama's edge continues to grow among those who just lost their jobs and have no idea how they're going to feed their children, as well as among citizens who are freezing to death on the streets at this very moment." The outspoken U.S. economy, which has already been campaigning for months in Iceland and South America, reportedly plans to spend the next 10 to 15 years spreading its message to every single country on the globe.
T-Shirt Machine Gun To Change The Face Of Promotional Warfare #~# LANGLEY, VA—Engineers at the Fun Gun Air Cannon Co. announced Tuesday that initial field tests of the TG-71 Rapid-Fire T-shirt Delivery System, a powerful new advertising weapon that experts say will revolutionize the way marketing ground campaigns are conducted, have been an overwhelming success. "The TG-71 can accurately fire up to 60 T-shirts into an unsuspecting target audience in under 10 seconds," chief engineer Bill Naylor said while brandishing a prototype of the gun, which has already secured the company a lucrative brand-defense contract with PepsiCo. "It performed extremely well in both sporting event and rock concert settings. Pound for pound, this baby is unmatched for sheer promotional firepower." Naylor refused to comment on the current status of the experimental XTG-52, a T-shirt sniper rifle that will purportedly be capable of delivering a logo-covered projectile into the lap of a child from more than a mile away.
Cancer Rate Declines For First Time #~# For the first time since statistics on the disease have been tracked, the cancer rate in the United States has declined. What do you think? 
I'm Really Gonna Miss Systematically Destroying This Place #~# Oh, America. Eight years went by so fast, didn't they? I feel like I hardly got to know you and methodically undermine everything you once stood for. But I guess all good things must come to an end, and even though you know I would love to stick around for another year or four—maybe privatize Social Security or get us into Iran—I'm afraid it's time to go. But before I leave, let me say, from the bottom of my heart: I can't think of another country I would've rather led to the brink of collapse.
Department-Store Santa Told To Push Chinaware #~# UTICA, NY—Art Schultz, better known as the Senpike Mall's Santa Claus, carried out the management-issued directive to push fine china dinnerware during dozens of two-minute lap sessions Monday. "Ho, ho, ho! Has Bobby been a good boy this year so Santa can bring him, a, uh, Wedgwood five-piece bone china setting in the timeless 'Crown Gold' pattern?" Schultz said to perplexed 5-year-old Robert Ullings. "Maybe if you're on your best behavior, and a big help to Mommy, Santa could bring you…a Lenox gravy boat!" Schultz bolstered his holiday messages by urging children to act now, as their good behavior could qualify their parents for a 10 percent discount on their first Nordstrom credit-card purchase.
American Airlines Now Charging Fees To Non-Passengers #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Cash-strapped American Airlines announced a new series of fees this week that will apply to all customers not currently flying, scheduled to fly, or even thinking about flying aboard the commercial carrier.
Junk E-Mail Falls By Two-Thirds #~# The amount of spam sent and received dropped last week to 60 billion messages a day—a decrease of 66 percent—after a Web hosting company called McColo was cut off from the Internet. What do you think? 
In Order To Save The Whales, We Must Breed With Them #~# What is happening to the earth's whales? The humpback, once more than 1.5 million strong, now numbers fewer than 20,000. The minke whale, once free to swim the ocean's depths in all its smooth, streamlined glory, has seen its population decimated by commercial fishing in a generation. Since regulation and political pressure have failed to produce results, we have only one option left if there's any hope of saving the future of these massive, supple creatures: We must start breeding with them right away, and not stop until they're saved.
Wah, Wah, I Have Seasonal Affective Disorder #~# Hey, everybody, look at me, I'm a tiny little baby who lets winter cold and an hour or two of extra darkness keep me from functioning. Boo-hoo, I've got seasonal affective disorder. All I feel like doing is sitting in my apartment, eating, and going beddy-bye because my hypothalamus can't cope with the decreased amount of daylight. 
Student-Loan Interest Cut #~# The House of Representatives voted to cut interest rates on certain student loans last week. What do you think?
Sundance Film Festival #~# The 2007 Sundance Film Festival took place from Jan. 18–28 in Park City, UT. Here were some of the highlights:
White House Quietly Retracts Entire State Of The Union Address #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a brief statement faxed to major media outlets at approximately 11:50 p.m. Friday, the White House retracted the entire 5,600-word State of the Union address delivered by President Bush last Tuesday. "This includes all components of the address, and is not limited to the president's congratulations to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi or his plan to give more Americans affordable health care through tax cuts, which has since been deemed infeasible," the statement read in part. "Furthermore, the president's urge for bipartisanship as well as his final statement about the state of the union being 'strong' are hereby stricken from the public record." Like the State of the Union address itself, the White House's retraction has not yet become a significant national news story.
Meth Addicts Demand Government Address Nation's Growing Spider Menace #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Following the tragic falling death of 32-year-old methamphetamine addict Phillip Diggs, who was reportedly attacked by spiders while scaling a large construction crane near Palo Alto, CA, thousands of outraged and confused meth addicts marched frenetically on Washington as part of a week of activities urging the federal government to address the nation's growing spider epidemic.
Ailing Castro Begins 750,000 Last Words #~# HAVANA—With his condition reportedly deteriorating, Cuban President Fidel Castro called top members of Cuba's National Assembly to his side and embarked on what is believed to be his 750,000 final words, according to Radio Havana Cuba, which broadcast the first 36,000 words of his apparent farewell starting Monday. "I am not long for this world, comrades, so come close, and listen well," began Castro, who was expected to scale back overnight with a mere 12,000 words from his deathbed, before fully resuming with a declaration of grievances and a discussion of Italian cinema in the morning. "…Until oppression and fear are rooted from this world, our lives may end, but our work will only begin. More water please." Cuban government officials are reportedly working out a deal to publish the 80-year-old dictator's historic last remarks as the next three volumes of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.
Tobacco-Addiction Center Found #~# Scientists have located the part of the brain linked to cigarette addiction. What do you think?
FEMA Calls Rebuilding Complete As New Orleans Restored To Former Squalor #~# NEW ORLEANS—After an unprecedented 18-month cleanup and repair effort supervised by the Federal Emergency Management Agency and several state and local government bureaus, Undersecretary for Federal Emergency Management R. David Paulison announced Monday that the city of New Orleans has been successfully returned to its pre–Hurricane Katrina state of decay and deterioration.
January 27, 1986 #~# Schoolteacher, Kitten, Three Dozen Orphans to Fly on Challenger Tomorrow
Noriega Faces Murder Charges #~# Former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega is to be returned to Panama to face murder charges when he is released from a U.S. prison in September. What do you think?
Bush Commits One Additional Troop To Afghanistan #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to display his administration's willingness to fight on all fronts in the War on Terror, President Bush said at a press conference Monday that American ground forces in Afghanistan will be aided by the immediate deployment of Marine Pfc. Tim Ekenberg of Camp Lejeune, NC.
Americans Demand Military Response After Chinese Shoot Down DirecTV Satellite #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A citizens' group presented a petition signed by nearly 75 million Americans to key members of Congress Monday, demanding the United States take immediate military action against China after the Communist nation shot down a DirecTV satellite last week. "This is a blatant attack on the American way of life," said the group's founder Abe Saloom. "Some of us lost a DirecTV signal that day, but all of us lost the freedom to feel secure in our DirecTV connections for the future." The statement urged the American military to move swiftly, asserting that many Americans do not know "how they would go on" without the NFL Sunday Ticket package.
Israeli President Accused Of Rape #~# The Israeli parliament agreed to allow President Moshe Katsav to temporarily step down in order to fight possible rape charges. What do you think?
Inner-City Teacher Inspires Students To Stab Him #~# LOS ANGELES—23-year-old Teach For America participant Jonathan Fitzsimmons remains in critical condition today at Cedars–Sinai Medical Center after he inspired some of the most troubled, hard-to-reach students in his 11th-grade English class to stab him Monday. "Before Mr. Fitzsimmons came along, nobody had been dedicated and hardworking enough to show us that we had the power to make a difference," said student and stabbing participant Gabriel Salazar, who added that Fitzsimmons' innovative teaching games and insistence his students do their homework were just two reasons the class sacrificed their free time after school to inflict nearly 20 wounds to his arms, chest, and side. "He motivated us to show him—the world, even—what we were capable of." According to a statement released by Fitzsimmons' parents, the "impact these kids had on our son's life will never be forgotten."
Couple Brought Together Through Mutual Desperation #~# PARKER, CO—After years of unrelenting disappointment and failure on the dating scene, eligible singles Karen Ridenour and Paul Klein forged an instant, clinging bond last month through a mutual desperation born mainly out of an intense fear of being unloved for the rest of their lives.
NHL Admits Slam-Dunk-Contest Portion Of All-Star Skills Competition A Mistake #~# DALLAS—Commissioner Gary Bettman told reporters Tuesday night that the addition of the first-ever slam-dunk contest to the NHL All-Star skills competition may have been "a big mistake." "Unfortunately, Jonathan Cheechoo severely injured his back and neck attempting his 360-degree, between-the-legs slam, and Sheldon Souray sliced Ryan Miller's back with his skate blade when he tried to hurdle over him to complete his dunk," said Bettman, who was initially angered when some of the biggest names in the NHL, notably Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin, chose not to participate. "Joe Thornton is out for the season with multiple facial lacerations after his stick shattered the backboard, and Marian Hossa may have ended his career when he tried, and failed, to dunk from the blue line." According to Bettman, the most disappointing part of the dunk contest is that 5'10' Paul Kariya took 20 minutes to complete his rather marginal dunk and probably won the contest only because he was the shortest participant.
Confused Bill Simmons Picks The Departed To Win Super Bowl #~# LOS ANGELES—Pop-culture enthusiast and sportswriter Bill Simmons, a regular columnist for ESPN's Page 2, was evidently suffering from genre confusion earlier this week when he picked Martin Scorsese's The Departed to win Super Bowl XLI. "The Departed just has a ton of upside that you can't ignore—it's got great chemistry, it keeps up the intensity all the way through, and it's got a hungry underdog coach who hasn't won the big one," Simmons wrote, adding that The Departed's only weakness may be that the film "lacks a clear cut offensive MVP to fill the role Brandon Walsh played for the great Dallas Cowboys dynasties." "This pick has nothing to do with my obvious hometown bias, but the city of Boston deserves to win the Oscar, especially after Mystic River's 2004 collapse when it eventually succumbed to Billy Crystal's heartbreaking missed field goal." Simmons added that if The Departed doesn't win the Super Bowl, it will be eerily reminiscent of the time the expansion Florida Marlins "practically stole" the Best New Artist Grammy from the Colorado Rockies in 1993.
Bears Lead Rex Grossman To Super Bowl #~# CHICAGO—While coming up big in a 39-14 victory over the New Orleans Saints Sunday, the Chicago Bears single-handedly shouldered the burden of struggling quarterback Rex Grossman and led the otherwise hapless quarterback to the Super Bowl. "For a while there, it looked like Rex was done for, but then the Bears came out of nowhere with some great plays on defense, rushing, and special teams to pick up the slack," said NFL analyst Len Pasquarelli. "They almost literally put Rex on their collective back and carried him through that game. All season long, the Bears have shown that they can win, even in the presence of Rex Grossman." Following the game, Grossman admitted that he would "never have gotten this far" without the Bears, saying "those guys are the true reason for this team's success."
Floyd Mayweather Sr. Puts Price On Teaching Someone How To Beat Up Son #~# LAS VEGAS—Floyd Mayweather Sr., manager of prizefighter Oscar de la Hoya, announced yesterday that the cost of teaching de la Hoya how to beat up Floyd Mayweather Jr., the trainer's own flesh and blood, someone whom he helped bring into this world and someone he loves and cherishes more than anyone, would be $2 million. "Listen, if Oscar were fighting my cousin or even my brother, I would take $1 million easy. But this is my son we're talking about," said Mayweather, adding that years ago, before he tucked his son into bed every night, he told him he loved him so much that he would always be there to protect him unless he was paid $2 million to do otherwise. "I'm like Abraham, and my son is like Isaac. And Oscar de la Hoya, if he pays me $2 million, will retain his WBC welterweight title." Mayweather added that for $3 million he would slip downers in his son's water bottle between rounds. 
Archiving The Unabomber #~# Theodore J. Kaczynski, aka the Unabomber, is fighting to reclaim 40,000 pages of his writings and correspondences so he can preserve them for public reference. What do you think?
Bears Inspire A City Still Reeling From Great Chicago Fire Of 1871 #~# CHICAGO—As Brian Urlacher triumphantly hoisted the George Halas Trophy Sunday, it was a symbol of more than just the Bears' 39-14 victory over New Orleans—it was a symbol of hope to the thousands of Chicagoans who are still struggling to resume normal lives after the fire that swept through a 2,000-acre swath of downtown, killed over 300 people, injured hundreds more, destroyed a third of Chicago's buildings, and left 100,000 residents homeless this past Oct. 8 through Oct. 10, 1871.
Too Much Expected From Nap #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Vanderbilt University sophomore Derek Sellars drastically overestimated the mental clarity, physical replenishment, and restorative power he would attain from a 7 p.m. nap Tuesday. "I thought I'd feel fresh and good to go for the rest of the night," said Sellars, who added that the brief sleep completely failed to give him the wherewithal to complete his calculus assignment or inspire a "great topic" for his 19th-century English Literature class paper due Wednesday morning. "I couldn't really tell what day it was and I was all sweaty. In fact, I felt more tired somehow." Despite the setback, Sellars plans to work straight through until his next 30-minute nap, scheduled for 3 a.m. 
You Look Like You Could Use Someone To Talk To On This 5-Hour Bus Ride #~# Do you mind if I move your coat? This happens to be my third-favorite seat on the bus. Numbers one and two are already taken.
Cancer Death Rate Dropping #~# According to the American Cancer Society, cancer deaths are down for the second straight year. Here are some reasons why:
Today's Neo-Nazis Have No Respect For Tradition #~# The other week, I read that the founder of the National Vanguard is in the clink for having child pornography in his computer. What is going on with today's white nationalists? Here it is, 2007, and global Aryan supremacy is no closer to becoming a reality than it was 60 years ago. I lay the blame squarely on the shoulders of this new generation. These kids today are making a disgrace of neo-Nazism. 
Northeast Stunned By Freak January Snowfall #~# SYRACUSE, NY—In a rare instance of icy-cold January weather, much of the Northeast awoke Tuesday morning to find itself buried under nearly 1.5 inches of snowfall. 
Distracted Priest Pronounces Couple 'Man And Plumbing Problem' #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Father Gerald Reamer mistakenly pronounced groom Danny Colm and bride Rachael Hall "man and plumbing problem" during their wedding ceremony at the First Episcopalian Church yesterday. "We are gathered here today to witness the eternal union of these two faulty flush valves," said Reamer, urging anyone who objected to the nuptials of Mr. and Mrs. Colm to speak now or forever wait for the repairman to show up. "You may now kiss the outdated, thoroughly rusted iron pipes." Several guests attending the wedding reported that, immediately following the ceremony, Reamer bolted down the aisle and jumped into the couple's waiting limo, saying that he had to get home because he forgot to turn off his in sickness and in health.
State Of The Union #~# The President delivered his State of the Union Address last night. What do you think?
CIA Director Quietly Buys Nuclear-Attack Insurance #~# BETHESDA, MD—According to sources at the Allstate Insurance Company, CIA Director Michael Hayden purchased nuclear-attack insurance Wednesday, paying a $100,000 monthly premium for his homes in suburban Washington, Pittsburgh, and near Cheyenne Mountain, CO. "It's a typical nuclear policy that protects the insured from damages caused by fallout—pretty straightforward, though at that monthly rate, I don't usually sell too many of them," said Bethesda, MD–based Allstate agent Gary Rutter, adding that Hayden paid for the first premium with a certified bank check to guarantee that the policy would take effect no later than next Monday. "After he purchased the insurance, he asked again if everything was set for Monday. I assured him it was, and then he left." Insurance agents throughout the D.C. area reported selling 35 such policies in the last week, all to high-ranking government officials. 
Hillary in '08 #~# Hillary Clinton announced that she will run for president in the 2008 election. What do you think?
Chanel Develops Durable, Low-Cost Perfume For Third World #~# PARIS—Fashion house and perfumer Chanel, famed for its iconic, $300-an-ounce No. 5 scent, announced that it has created a cost-efficient fragrance for the Third World, one specifically designed for the rigors of dry, dusty, less glamorous environments in the Southern Hemisphere.
First Womb Transplant Planned #~# A team of Manhattan doctors is planning the first-ever uterus transplant. What do you think?
Area Mom Disappointed No One Noticed Mastectomy #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Local resident Joanne Cobb, 43, was disappointed Monday when family members failed to comment on her new mastectomy, which she received during a noon appointment while her husband was at work and her three children were at school. "I mean, I look completely different," said Cobb, who had nearly five inches trimmed from her right breast. "I didn't expect them to make a huge fuss, but a little recognition would've been nice." Cobb added that, if this is the kind of reaction she can expect, she might as well cancel her cervical exam next Thursday.
Bush Rushing To Get Nation In Order Before Hu Jintao's Visit #~# WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush announced in a hastily arranged press conference Monday that he wanted to make the entire country "as presentable as possible" for visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao, who was scheduled to arrive for a five-day state visit in a matter of hours.
Wii, Water, Death #~# A California woman died of water intoxication while trying to win a Nintendo Wii during a radio station's water-drinking contest. What do you think?
Vigilante Cop Acts As Judge, Jury, Prosecuting Attorney, Bailiff, Stenographer, Executioner #~# OAKLAND, CA—Often referred to by his superiors at the Oakland Police Department as a "loose cannon," Lt. Buck Roth and his unorthodox policing methods have been the subject of controversy for much of his turbulent career. But the renegade detective who acts as judge, jury, prosecuting attorney, bailiff, court reporter, and executioner maintains that his approach gets results.
New Archie Graphic Novel Explores Rich Inner Life Of Jughead #~# NEW YORK—Publisher Alfred A. Knopf, Inc. released a new Archie Comics graphic novel Tuesday, Heavy Is The Head That Wears The Crown, an examination of the complex inner workings of longtime Archie compatriot Forsythe "Jughead" Jones. "Readers will be fascinated by Forsythe's agonizing realization that his love of food was really just a substitute for loving himself, something he deems impossible due to his guilt over the premature death of his baby sister, Forsythia, and the predatory sexual overtures he suffers at the hands of Mr. Flutesnoot," author and cartoonist Adrian Tomine said. "The poignancy is further emphasized by the glimpses of Forsythe's future, as a divorced, self-doubting, alcoholic psychiatrist with an uncontrollable weight problem." A Knopf spokesman rejected allegations that the novel is nothing more than an apologia for the character's misogyny, saying that readers "will find the truth is rather more complicated."
So-Called 'Genius' Bill Belichick Stumped By Non-Football-Related Question #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Patriots head coach Bill Belichick's reputation for possessing a keen, incisive intelligence and being able to intuitively grasp all pertinent aspects of a problem took a major hit Tuesday when, while fielding reporters' questions at his daily press conference, he stammered through his response to a Business Week reporter's routine inquiry concerning alternative economic approaches to societal trends. "Well, we, uh, I guess it's like the salary cap all teams operate under, as far as… Is commodification the word I want to use here?" said Belichick, obviously attempting to dodge the question in what onlookers called a "humiliating moment of mere mortality for the acknowledged genius." "I don't know if Keynesian theory is what I want here, but… A football game is a service, I guess, in terms of Keynesian market concepts… No, wait, I think I'm thinking of Thorstein Veblen. You know what? Any questions on how we're planning for the Colts' passing game?" Patriots players would not comment directly on their coach's public failure to live up to his reputation,  although some players were heard wondering aloud how a coach with such severely limited economic knowledge could in good faith call himself an offensive innovator.
MLS Signs David Beckham To 12-Team, $250 Million Deal #~# LOS ANGELES—All 12 Major League Soccer teams pooled their money together last Friday in an effort to sign European superstar David Beckham to a five-year, $250 million deal—the richest and most all-inclusive contract in league history. "Mr. Beckham will be a wonderful addition to the Galaxy, the Dynamo, the Red Bulls, the Fire, the Crew, and many other teams," said MLS commissioner Don Garber, who is also in charge of arranging which teams get custody of Beckham during certain weeks, games, and halves throughout the season. "We're very confident that David will lead one of these teams to the championship." Beckham, who recently claimed that he's always wanted to play in Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Washington, Columbus, and Kansas City, will spend the next several months training, meeting with representatives, and being formally introduced at press conferences.
Recently Divorced Michael Jordan Announces Plans To Return To Marriage #~# HIGHLAND PARK, IL—After a one-month stint as a bachelor—a move that many say made the once great husband and father look "silly," "out-of-place," and "almost mortal"—Michael Jordan confirmed he was returning to his marriage with two simple words faxed to his wife Juanita's attorneys: "I'm back."
Cisco Sues Over iPhone #~# Cisco Systems is suing Apple over the name "iPhone," claiming they own rights to it. What do you think?
Americans Wondering What They Did To Deserve This Much Joe Buck #~# NEW YORK—According to sports fans across America, the near-ubiquitous presence of play-by-play broadcaster, pregame reporter, and post-game analyst Joe Buck has begun to make them consider if they are being punished for something. "In this life, it's only natural to have to endure a certain amount of Joe Buck, but lately I've been inundated with this pervading informant to the point that I can't get his goddamn buttery-smooth voice out of my head," said avid football viewer and casual baseball fan Thomas Lenz. "I mean, I'm a grown man and can tune it out, but I have a 10-year-old son being who has to live through this. It's just not fair." Joe Buck was unavailable for comment, as he was doing a Borat impression on the set of his latest Fox Sports commercial.
Peyton Manning Looking Forward To Ninth Annual Super-Bowl-Watching Party #~# INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Colts quarterback Peyton Manning said Monday he is looking forward to wrapping up his football season and relaxing with friends and family while watching the Super Bowl, a tradition that goes back nine years in Manning's house and far longer in his extended family. "I believe in working hard each and every Sunday, but when the Super Bowl rolls around, that's my day to relax," Manning told reporters during a break from preparing for the upcoming AFC championship matchup against the Patriots. "As far as I myself am concerned, it's never gotten any better than spending Super Bowl Sunday watching the big game on TV surrounded by family and friends, like I have ever since I can remember." Manning said that the experience of watching the game was his main source of enjoyment, but if he was forced to choose, he would probably be rooting for Tom Brady to "win another one."
Botched Hussein-Brother Hanging #~# The botched hanging of Saddam Hussein's half brother, which resulted in his beheading, has aroused suspicions and inflamed tensions in the Arab world. What do you think?
Dairy Company Introduces Lots-Of-Pulp Milk #~# MADISON, WI—In an attempt to boost lackluster sales, Cream-O-Land Dairy introduced their new Morning Clots line of pulp-heavy milk in whole, 2 percent, and skim varieties Tuesday. 
Friends Can't Stand Couple's Public Displays Of Hostility #~# TORONTO—Sources close to local couple Jeremy and Eliza Conyers said that their persistent, blatantly physical, and extremely public displays of hostility are becoming increasingly difficult to tolerate. "Every time I turn around, they've got their hands all over each other, and it just makes me sick to my stomach," friend Jean Potter said. "We're always like, 'Hey, you two, get a room with a staircase and lots of doorknobs and a lamp with a long cord, why don't you?'" Potter added that she feared an instance in which things get so hot and heavy between the Conyerses that someone may have to say something to them. 
There's More To Appleton Than Our Acclaimed Escorts #~# Have you thought about making Appleton, WI the destination for your next vacation, business meeting, or even place to live? It may not spring to mind right away, like Las Vegas or Sheboygan, but I certainly hope you'll consider us. We're not as big as Milwaukee, but we're a terrific community with a lot of heart and plenty of fun activities. Sure, you could stay just long enough to be serviced by one of our regionally renowned escorts, but we also encourage you to look around and enjoy all that our riverside city has to offer. 
Area Family's Trip To New Hampshire Sparks Rumors Of Presidential Bid #~# MANCHESTER, NH—Rumors are swirling among Beltway insiders that the Patterson family vacation last weekend to New Hampshire, site of the first presidential primary, was, in fact, an attempt by the Michigan family of four to test the waters for a 2008 presidential run.
New Congressional Policies #~# Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has eliminated smoking in the Capitol Building. Here are some other changes the Democrats have enacted on Capitol Hill:
Somebody Should Make A Movie About My Life #~# I was thinking the other day, and I know it probably sounds, you know, just crazy, but I thought, you know, as irrational and dysfunctional as I am, I'll bet that, if the right filmmaker got involved, maybe somebody could make a movie dramatizing various aspects of my life. Now, just hear me out, I think I'm onto something here.
Rumsfeld Leaves Most Recent Job Off Resumé #~# ST. MICHAELS, MD—A resumé apparently written by Donald Rumsfeld that omits his position as Defense Secretary in the current Bush administration was leaked to the press Monday, approximately one month after his departure from the post. 
Area Man Guesses He'll Learn The Difference Between Shiites And Sunnis #~# PORTLAND, OR—Nearly four years into the war in Iraq, local sales representative Howard Morrison finally conceded that it was probably time to just pick up a newspaper and figure out what distinguishes Sunni Muslims from Shiite Muslims. "At first I really thought this whole thing would work itself out, and there was no need to figure out who was who," said Morrision, adding that it used to be enough to know the difference between Iraq and Iran. "But this is turning out to be pretty complicated and I should at least learn which side are the insurgents. I know one of them's Islamic." Morrison said he would have time for the new subject since giving up trying to learn the difference between trans fats and regular fats last week.
California Citrus In Danger #~# The recent west-coast cold snap is jeopardizing the California citrus industry. What do you think?
Garage Orchestra Hands Out Demo At Boston Philharmonic Show #~# BOSTON, MA—The 104 members of the upstart Melrose Philharmonic Orchestra of Melrose, MA stood outside Jordan Hall Sunday and passed out demo CDs to the crowd exiting a Boston Philharmonic performance of Prokofiev's Symphony No. 6 In E-Flat Minor. "Hey, you like orchestral?" said third cellist Paul Gleiberman as he thrust copies of the recording at visibly bemused concertgoers. "We've been meeting in my conductor friend's four-car garage every Tuesday, and we're getting pretty tight. There's some Mahler, a Mozart, our choir buds helped us out with the Morten Lauridsen—we go all over the place. You should check it out. It's good." The orchestra was told to move across the street by Sanders Hall management, who said that it was blocking several fire exits.
Stooges Snubbed Again #~# For the 6th time, punk legends The Stooges have been rejected for induction to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. What do you think?
Nation's Gays Demand Right To Library Cards #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In another salvo in the ongoing civil-rights battle, the Gay And Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation announced the formation of a broad new campaign supporting full library-card privileges for homosexuals.
Scientists Create World's Largest Novelty Atom #~# CHICAGO—Scientists have long been labeled as overly serious, narrowly focused individuals who don't have time for fun. But two University of Chicago atomic physicists proved that even the most buttoned-down professionals are capable of enjoying a good laugh every now and then. Last week, Drs. Marcus Hurley and Thom Fredericks unveiled what they are calling their "most hilarious work to date": an oversize novelty atom that measures "a ridiculously huge" 8.2 x 10-10 meters in diameter.
Cell-Phone TV? #~# Verizon Wireless announced that it will soon offer TV service over its cell-phone network.  What do you think?
Staff Members Under New Defense Secretary Wondering If They Still Get Summers Off #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The recent departure of Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary Of Defense has reportedly left his former staff noticeably tense and preoccupied in anticipation of the sweeping changes his successor is likely to bring. "At first I didn't care what the new guy [Robert Gates] had in mind, just so long as punch-in was still noon, shoes remained optional, and we were given plenty of time to keep up with our multiplayer online gaming," said Assistant To The Secretary Of Defense For Nuclear And Chemical & Biological Defense Programs Dale Klein, adding that he hoped Gates would not break the May 12-to-Oct. 1-summer-vacation tradition. "First thing today, though, I walk in and someone hands me a briefing on joint-transformational delivery-system initiatives that they just absolutely need me to read right away. Not a good sign." Several staffers also expressed concern that a recent memo urging them to construct a viable exit strategy for American military personnel in Iraq could affect their regular Margarita Mondays.
Bill Parcells: 'I've Always Hated Football' #~# DALLAS—In the last press conference Bill Parcells would give this year after leading the Cowboys through a frustrating 9-7 season and an excruciating first-round playoff loss to the Seattle Seahawks, the hard-nosed coach surprised reporters by revealing that he "was glad to see the season, and with any luck [his] career, come to an end," stating that "I can't remember a time in my life when I haven't hated football."
U.S. Bombs Somalia #~# The U.S. has initiated a series of attacks in southern Somalia aimed at suspected members of al Qaeda. What do you think?
Tony Romo Regrets Eating Greasy Fried Chicken During Crucial Field-Goal Attempt #~# DALLAS—Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, whose bobbling of the snap on a crucial fourth-quarter field goal ended the season for Dallas, took full responsibility for the gaffe Wednesday by admitting he should not have been eating a bucket of grease-covered fried chicken while play was in progress. "I keep running through it in my mind—Martin Gramatica lines up the kick, I kneel and put down my bucket of chicken with my left hand, I transfer the chicken leg in my right hand to my mouth to hold it there, I signal for the snap, and the ball slips right off my fingers," Romo told reporters while cleaning out his locker at the Cowboy's practice facility. "It could easily have been the chicken grease, which sickens me—this was a play we'd run a hundred times in practice. But this time I let the chicken get in the way." Romo promised to make improving his ball- and fried-chicken-handling skills a priority in the offseason.
Wine Glasses, Burnt-Down Candles, Strewn Rose Petals Suggest Dolphins Courting Pete Carroll #~# MIAMI—Although Dolphins officials are being coy—some say almost coquettish—about whether or not they met with Pete Carroll concerning their open coaching position, the remnants of a tray of chocolate-dipped strawberries, several half-melted floating candles, and 54 near-empty wine glasses in the Dolphin Stadium players' lounge suggest the organization is seriously wooing the USC head coach. "Miami planned this whole elaborate night to show Pete that they were genuinely interested in him: the stadium lights were dimmed, soft Al Green music was piping out of the PA system, and there was a trail of unwound athletic tape, hastily discarded football jerseys, and kicked-off cleats leading all the way to the Dolphins' team bedroom," ESPN analyst Len Pasquarelli said. "If everything goes smoothly, this deal should be done by the end of this upcoming lost weekend." Some eyewitnesses, however, claim they saw an unshaven, visibly upset Carroll stomp his way to a waiting taxi outside Dolphin Stadium at 4 a.m. after Bill Cowher allegedly showed up to thank the Dolphins for the box of chocolates they sent him.
Teen Accurately Describes Robert Mapplethorpe Exhibit As 'Gay' #~# DETROIT—Despite having viewed only a single Robert Mapplethorpe photograph of a pink orchid during a class trip to the Detroit Institute of Arts yesterday, 14-year-old Greg Callahan accurately characterized the deceased artist's work as "totally frigging gay." "Art is for homos, and this museum is for homos, and this guy is obviously a homo," said Callahan, correctly identifying Mapplethorpe's sexual orientation without reading his biography. "I'll be in the stupid café." Though he refused to observe any of their work, Callahan added that the rest of the artists featured in the "Perspectives On Perspective" exhibit—including David Hockney, Andy Warhol, Pablo Picasso, and Hannah Gluckstein—were all gay as well, a claim which was 75 percent correct.
Voters Deny Cal Ripken Entrance Into Hall Of Fame: 'He Just Wasn't Very Good' #~# COOPERSTOWN, NY—Baltimore Orioles shortstop Cal Ripken Jr. failed to receive the 75 percent of the vote needed to gain admittance into the Baseball Hall of Fame Tuesday because, according to the majority of voters, Ripken "simply wasn't very good." "He was just sort of there, you know?" said ESPN's Peter Gammons, who described the 21-year veteran's career as "okay." "Sure, he made a few All-Star teams, but seriously, I would hope that any professional baseball player who played as long as Ripken would reach 3,000 hits, or at least win an MVP or two." According to Gammons, Ripken's failure to be admitted into the Hall of Fame may also have to do with the fact that his intense work ethic, his willingness to stay with one team for the entirety of his career, and the fact that he never took anabolic steroids clearly indicates that, over the years, the game of baseball has passed him by.
Larry Brown To Trade Secretary Because She Is Unwilling To Conform To His Style Of Collating #~# PHILADELPHIA—New Philadelphia 76ers executive vice president and former Knicks head coach Larry Brown announced yesterday that plans to trade secretary Eileen Gerard, 63, due to her inability to conform to his style of collating. "I'm a teacher first, and if she is unwilling to see that I am trying to ultimately make her a better secretary, then she has no place in this office," said Brown, adding that he is aware that trading away the office's most popular assistant could do more harm than good in the short term. "I was brought in to turn this place around, and even though it may take a couple of years, soon our secretaries we'll be faxing and taking dictation the right way." According to various office managers throughout the NBA, there is very little interest in Gerard, as many believe she is planning to retire so she can spend more time with her grandchildren.
800,000 Privileged Youths Enlist To Fight In Iraq #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a desire to finally make a difference in Iraq, in the past two weeks, more than 800,000 young people from upper-middle- and upper-class families have put aside their education, careers, and physical well-being to enlist in the military, new data from the Department Of Defense shows.
I'm Prepared To Do Anything To Get That Cupcake #~# There is something quite pressing that I must make clear immediately.
Robbie Knievel Jumps Entire Generation's Awareness #~# BUTTE, MT—In his most dangerous and ambitious feat to date, motorcycle stuntman Robbie Knievel, the 44-year-old son of 1970s daredevil megastar Evel Knievel, has safely soared over the attention of nearly every single American between the ages of 13 and 31. 
Manson, Von Teese Split #~# Burlesque performer Dita Von Teese has reportedly filed for divorce from shock-rocker Marilyn Manson. What do you think?
People Living On The Moon #~# NASA recently announced plans to construct a base on the moon's south pole that will be completed by 2024. Here are some of the features its inhabitants will enjoy:
The College I Attend Has Just The Right Number Of Indian Dance Groups #~# I'm really glad I decided to go to my current school. I can't think of an American college with such balanced and complementary diversity. While any old school can boast of their Indian dance groups, few can say they have the perfect number of them. Well, this one can. Yeah, you could say I have it good when it comes to Indian dance groups. Or, more accurately, I have exactly the right amount when it comes to Indian dance groups.
Amazon.com Recommendations Understand Area Woman Better Than Husband #~# SANDUSKY, OH—Area resident Pamela Meyers was delighted to receive yet another thoughtful CD recommendation from Amazon.com Friday, confirming that the online retail giant has a more thorough, individualized, and nuanced understanding of Meyers' taste than the man who occasionally claims to love her, husband Dean Meyers.
Letter Of Recommendation Clearly Written Under Duress #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Prospective employers of regional sales coordinator candidate Karyn Randall have noted that a glowing, if somewhat halting, letter of recommendation attached to her résumé appeared to have been authored by a former supervisor under extreme compulsion. "Karyn has an unusually insistent style of conducting business, undeniably effective in both achieving her goals and giving those she works with a greater awareness of her value, the value of their lives, how much they love their wife and two daughters, and how desperately they want to live," the letter, signed by Randall's previous employer Edward DiFillipo, read in part. "For the love of God, please, hire Ms. Randall. She will be a true asset—you've got to believe me." Randall recently found employment at the marketing branch of 3M, where her anxious and perspiring supervisors have already granted her three promotions and five pay raises.
Pelosi Vows Iraq Scrutiny #~# New House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has vowed "the harshest scrutiny" to any requests for money or troops from the president. What do you think?
Overeating Like Drug Addiction #~# A recent study, published in the journal Proceedings of the   National Academy of Sciences stated that overeating is like drug   addiction. What do you think?
Jay Leno Reconsiders Retirement After Georgia Woman Sets Boyfriend's Crotch On Fire #~# BURBANK, CA—Despite having announced plans to retire as host of The Tonight Show in 2008, Jay Leno admitted yesterday that he was "having serious doubts" about leaving the TV show after coming across a recent news item in which a Georgia woman doused her philandering husband's groin in kerosene and set it aflame. The veteran comedian said the incident would provide a wealth of material for "many, many years to come." "Boy, talk about keeping your marriage exciting," said Leno, who claimed he had already assigned 19 of his top writers to the story. "It's John Wayne Bobbitt all over again—crotch violence set in the South. If I leave it for Conan [O'Brien], he'll just do two or three really good jokes and then drop it. What a waste." The victim, 32-year-old Kenny Garver of Athens, GA, was unavailable for comment due to the blistering third-degree burns covering 70 percent of his body.
Area Man's Quirky Hobby Kills 27 #~# NIPPERSINK, MI—In the '80s, this little town made its name in the news with a local eccentric old coot decked out from head to toe in thousands of buttons. In the '90s, it was the goofy car nut who converted his Chevrolet to look like the Statue of Liberty. Now, as residents and law-enforcement officials learned recently, this tiny Great Lakes fishing community has a local character who stands out with a zany hobby all his own: oddball Matthew Malbert, an otherwise unassuming pharmacist and school-board member, has a special passion for ritually murdering and dismembering at least 27 known victims.
Kindergartner Being Groomed For Line-Leader Position #~# BELLE MEADE, TN—Belle Meade Day School kindergarten teacher Mrs. Allen, 33, says she has known since the first day of class that student Gregory Hutter, 6, was "line-leader material."
Sharpton, Thurmond: Related? #~# The Rev. Al Sharpton wants his DNA tested agianst that of the late Senator Strom Thurmond to see if they are related. What do you think?
Seacrest vs. Cowell #~# Tensions between American Idol stars Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell are coming to a head. Here is a timeline detailing their past friction:
I Would Have Been Considered Very Attractive In The Middle Ages #~# In today's grooming-obsessed world, I admit, I have some catching up to do. I'm certainly no feast for the eyes. I recognize this fact daily as I apply lotion to my many acne scars. But all this proper grooming stuff is a fairly recent thing, is it not? I'm certainly not knocking any man who wishes to look presentable, but at the same time I realize we're creatures of our times, and tastes do change. For example, I, even in my present state, would have been quite the catch eight or nine centuries ago. Shouldn't that count for something?
Forensic Evidence Shows Signs Of Feeble Struggle #~# DES MOINES, IA—A report released by the Polk County Coroner's Office Tuesday concluded that local resident Brian Christopher, 24, died a "sniveling coward of a man" after a feeble struggle to protect himself against the killer in his bedroom this weekend. 
Hanging Onto The Leg Of This Helicopter Is Harder Than It Looks #~# Look, I know I'm the best, and no one in the terror-combat community has ever questioned my bravery. Not in 25 proud years of service. I'm a legend around here. 
Teen-On-Homeless Violence Increases #~# A report issued by the National Coalition for the Homeless says there were more attacks against the homeless in 2006 than in the previous decade, many of them carried out by teenagers. What do you think?
Viacom Demands YouTube Pull 400,000 Ex-TV Viewers From Its Site #~# NEW YORK—In a cease-and-desist letter sent to Google's attorneys last week, media conglomerate Viacom demanded that YouTube immediately pull 400,000 ex-TV viewers from its industry-leading video-sharing site. "These viewers clearly belong to Viacom and its related entertainment subsidiaries," stated the letter, which called the co-opted viewership "the result of an investment of  hundreds of millions of dollars by our company." "Should YouTube fail to adequately address this blatant infringement, Viacom will not hesitate to assert its ownership rights to its intellectual property." The letter threatened further legal action if all the 400,000 viewers in question are not removed from their desks and returned to their couches by the end of the week. 
Bumbling Ragtag Regiment Achieves Heartwarming Victory In Iraq #~# BAGHDAD—The war in Iraq came to a sudden, complete, and ultimately heartwarming end after the U.S. Army's hapless 115th Regiment defeated the insurgent forces in what military observers are terming a startling victory for the war's most notorious underdog unit.
Prince Harry Going To Iraq #~# Prince Harry, the son of Prince Charles and Lady Diana, third in line to the throne of England, is being deployed to Iraq. What do you think?
Oscars Reveal Widening Gap Between Best, Worst Dressed #~# LOS ANGELES—This year’s Academy Awards pre-ceremony red carpet display has analysts worried that the divide between the nation’s best and worst dressed is only growing, forcing thousands to live well below the taste line while a lucky few see their glamour levels skyrocket.
U.S. Dollar Drops Against Counterfeit U.S. Dollar #~#  NEW YORK—At the close of trading Monday, the U.S. dollar dipped to a record low of $.60 against the counterfeit U.S. dollar, which also outpaced the dollar against the euro and the yen. 
202 Chemicals Linked To ADHD, Autism #~# Researchers have identified 202 industrial chemicals and compounds that may be linked to the rise in autism and ADHD. What do you think?
Former Editor Can't Believe Shit College Newspaper Is Printing #~# NEW YORK—Troy Bartell, 22, former editor-in-chief of Boston University's student newspaper The Daily Free Press, said Monday that his once-prestigious paper is in "free-fall," and is now printing only "ridiculous, brutally incompetent shit." 
Temperature Of Coffee Expected To Rise Nine Degrees By End Of 21st Century #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A report released by the Union of Concerned Dietitians stated that not only will the temperature of coffee increase by nearly nine degrees by the end of this century, but also that the rise is directly linked to human activity.  "At this point, there is no way to reverse the trend, but we can slow it down," said UCD President Marilyn Presber, who blamed the rising temperature on corporate coffee "super-heaters" such as Starbucks, McDonald's, and Dunkin' Donuts, and added that if the public made a conscious effort to heat water short of its boiling point and pour "extremely chilled" milk into the beverage, the overall temperature increase could be delayed nearly 150 years. "If we don't make some sacrifices now, our children's children will be living in a world in which it will be virtually impossible to avoid having the inside of their mouths burned."  However, many Americans remain skeptical of the coffee-heating issue, such as Tampa, FL coffee drinker Henry Giesen, 67, who calls it "a hoax perpetuated by the anti-caffeine lobby and the carbonated-beverage industry." 
Flip Saunders' Riveting Speech After All-Star Game Fails To Keep Team Together #~# LAS VEGAS—Despite an impassioned 20-minute post-game speech by Eastern Conference coach Flip Saunders last Sunday about commitment to team ideals, playing with passion, and the need to get back to fundamentals, his All-Star team has decided to go its separate ways following the 153-132 blowout. "Guys, come on, we can't just give up," Saunders said while players packed up their bags and got ready for their separate flights back to their home cities. "There is more talent in this room than that scoreboard suggests. We can only improve with time, and I really think that if we learn to play together rather than as a group of individuals, there's every chance we could make a legitimate run at this thing." Eastern Conference All-Stars guard Dwayne Wade said he wouldn't rule out the chance of seeing his former teammates at some point in the future, but somehow doesn't think he will ever play with Caron Butler or Dwight Howard ever again.
Paul Pierce Out For Season With Suspicious-Sounding Cough #~# BOSTON—As the second half of the NBA season began with the Boston Celtics mired in an apparently hopeless NBA-worst 13-38 season, All-Star guard Paul Pierce announced Wednesday that he would miss the rest of the season with a rather unusual cough. "I, uh, cough cough, must have come down with a little something while I was in Vegas, cough, cough," said Pierce, who held his hand in front of his mouth while seeming to repeatedly pronounce the word "cough" instead of actually coughing. "I don't, cough, sniffle, know if I can put in that many minutes in my weakened condition." Celtics coach Doc Rivers said the team was devastated by the report of the injury, especially as it came so soon after news of the mysterious limp that afflicts forward Wally Szczerbiak whenever Celtics games are not broadcast on national television.
Shocking Revelations From The World Of Sports #~# The sports world is still reeling from former NBA player John Amaechi's decision to come out in his memoir Man In The Middle, but it's not the first time sudden admissions have made headlines:
Bush Likens Terror War To U.S. Independence #~# In a speech at Mount Vernon, President Bush likened the war on terror to the Revolutionary War. What do you think?
MLB No Longer Accepting New Players #~# MILWAUKEE—In a tersely worded press release Tuesday, Major League Baseball sent a strong message to the thousands of college, high-school, and Little League athletes who have voiced their desire to someday become professional baseball players: "You're too late."
Mark Martin: 'I'm Too Old To Be Driving Cars Around' #~# DAYTONA BEACH, FL— Four-time NASCAR Cup Series runner-up Mark Martin, 48, surprised reporters at a post-race press conference by saying he may have aged past his prime as a driver of automobiles. "It just seems that everyone out there is going so fast all of a sudden," said Martin, who began racing professionally in 1977. "And then I start thinking, my, I must be going pretty fast, too! It just bothers me a lot more than it used to, I suppose." Martin claims he lost the lead on the last lap of the Daytona 500 when it occurred to him that the speed at which he was battling race winner Kevin Harvick was potentially hazardous in the event of something happening suddenly.
Manny Ramirez Has Weirdest Feeling He Should Be Somewhere While Watching Spring Training #~# SANTO DOMINGO, DOMINICAN REPUBLIC—While watching a live spring-training report from the Boston Red Sox training facility in Fort Myers, FL on SportsCenter Wednesday, outfielder Manny Ramirez reportedly told his family that he "had the weirdest feeling [he] should be somewhere else right now." "I don't know what it is… Am I usually someplace else at this time of year?" Ramirez asked his wife, adding that the people on television looked vaguely familiar and that he felt "the strangest urge" to be in Florida. "Wait, is that guy there on the TV… is that Big Papi? But why would he be in Florida now?" According to Ramirez's wife, her husband then looked at the calendar on the wall, frowned, and continued to watch television while idly popping an old ball into his baseball glove.
Giuliani To Run For President Of 9/11 #~# NEW YORK—At a well-attended rally in front of his new Ground Zero headquarters Monday, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani officially announced his plan to run for president of 9/11.
Rapture Wreaks Havoc On Local Book Club #~# MARION, IN—Following last week's rapture, which transported four members of the Marion Mockingbirds Book Club to heaven in order to be with Jesus Christ, the three remaining members have reportedly been scrambling to maintain a regular Wednesday meeting schedule as well as the usual coffee-and-pastry rotation. 
XM, Sirius To Merge #~# XM Satellite Radio Holdings Inc. and Sirius Satellite Radio announced a plan to merge the two companies. What do you think?
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue #~# The 2007 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue was released this month. Here are some of its surprises:
How Can I Go On With Life After Losing A Finger? #~# When I came out of surgery after my car accident, I was overjoyed. I promised myself I would make the most of this second chance by living life to the fullest. But my joy quickly turned to horror as I gazed down upon my left hand. I screamed to the attending nurse, "Where's the rest of me?" But she couldn't answer. My once perfect hand, the pride of my arm, was missing a finger. God turned His back on me that day, and I realized at that moment, I was only 99.2 percent of a man.
Mr. Contractor, Tear Down This Wall! #~# To all of you from Salemeyer & Sons assembled here today, I have a message: As we stand poised on the border of the kitchen and dining area, we dream of a brave new floor plan. Behind me is a wall that, for too long, has divided this great household and prevented the spread of light and airflow from reaching all corners of the western cabinets. Today, I call on all of you to rid this modest two-level home of the scourge of oppressive architecture.
FDA Approves Laser Comb #~# The HairMax Lasercomb, a comb that purportedly promotes hair growth, was recently approved by the Food and Drug Administration.  What do you think?
Child-Safety Experts Call For Restrictions On Childhood Imagination #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Department of Health and Human Services issued a series of guidelines Monday designed to help parents curtail their children's boundless imaginations, which child-safety advocates say have the potential to rival motor vehicle accidents and congenital diseases as a leading cause of disability and death among youths ages 3 to 14.
Ellen DeGeneres Prepares To Host Academy Awards By Spending Eight Hours A Day In Oscars Simulator #~# LOS ANGELES—Since the announcement that she will be hosting this year’s Academy Awards, daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has reportedly been spending 40 hours a week in a fully automated Oscars simulator designed to challenge the comedienne both physically and mentally. “As soon as she steps into the module, she is bombarded by bright lights, images, and sounds programmed to accurately recreate the Academy Awards environment,” said Oscar 9000 designer Howard Franks, adding that DeGeneres must make over 120 different jokes per simulation on such topics as ceremony length, dress choices, Oscar snubs, and Jack Nicholson’s facial expressions. “If Miss DeGeneres fails to construct an amusing yet inoffensive quip, the timing mechanism kicks in, slowing down her agonizing exposure to the silent, disappointed glare of Hollywood’s most glamorous.” According to Franks, the highest score still belongs to Billy Crystal, who “charmed the pants off” the simulation with 94 variations on the same Jack-Palance-being-able-to-beat-him-in-an-arm-wrestling-match joke.
Dane Cook Parlays New Burger King Menu Item Into Hour-Long HBO Special #~# LOS ANGELES—Building upon his previous Burger King–related work, comedian Dane Cook announced plans Monday to tape an hour-long HBO stand-up special devoted entirely to the Texas Double Whopper, the latest menu offering from the fast-food giant. 
7,000 Iraqis U.S. Bound #~# The United States has agreed to admit 7,000 Iraqi refugees into the country. What do you think?
Internal Affairs Investigator Disappointed Conspiracy Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top #~# MILFORD, CT—Milford Police Department Internal Affairs investigator Sean Ferris was visibly dismayed Monday to learn that his probe into a scheme to abuse departmental mailing privileges did not involve the collusion and complicity of the highest levels of municipal government. "As someone whose job it is to uncover the truth, I find it extremely suspicious when two low-ranking officers take the fall for a potentially massive criminal conspiracy," said Ferris, who pursued for months "the theory that" Mayor James Richatelli was "pulling the strings." "You exhaust yourself searching for the missing piece to the puzzle, only to find that the puzzle was actually complete all along. Sometimes, you just have to accept that it was only two guys stealing postage." Ferris said he followed a similar "gut instinct" in a 2003 case that eventually led to the demotion of two MPD cafeteria workers who were "irresponsible with condiment disbursement."
FBI Loses Laptops And Guns #~# According to a recent report, 160 laptops have been lost or stolen from the FBI, as well as 160 weapons. What do you think?
Drunk Driver In The Zone #~# STOUGHTON, WI—Alcoholic and car owner Jim Torkleson attributes his "best-ever" 11-mile, 0.14 blood-alcohol-content drunken drive home from Abley's Bar Friday to being totally "in the zone." "It was like everything was happening in slow motion, even though I must have been doing well over a hundred," said Torkleson, who claimed that he has been driving drunk for more than 10 years, but only recently "really hit [his] stride." "Some kind of sixth sense let me just slip past other cars, over raccoons, between kids on bikes, you name it. It was like the road and everyone on it just went away." Torkleson said the cruise afforded him the greatest high while driving since the time a police officer forgot to put his cruiser in park after pulling Torkleson over.
Doctor Trying To Get Unemployed Friend A Doctor Job #~# ALBANY, NY—Albany Memorial Hospital cardiologist Dr. Richard Grafton appealed to the Board of Trustees during its monthly meeting Monday to give his unemployed friend, Doug Ferris, a newly available position in the hospital's internal medicine wing, calling  Ferris "a good guy, deep down" and a "hard worker when he wants to be."
John Amaechi Comes Out As Former NBA Player #~# STOCKPORT, ENGLAND—British homosexual John Amaechi sent shockwaves throughout the sporting world last week when he announced, much to the surprise of his family and friends—in addition to NBA players and fans—that he lived a double life for five years in which he secretly worked as a professional basketball player.
Bill Murray Shoots 18-Under To Win Pebble Beach Pro-Am #~# PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Funnyman Bill Murray put the finishing touches on six-under 66 Sunday at the annual Pebble Beach National Pro-Am, edging out Phil Mickelson and Jim Furyk by five strokes apiece to clinch his first tournament win of the season. "I've been working a lot on my short game lately, and listen, I've played this course enough times to know where the trouble spots are, especially on the dogleg left on 16," said Murray, who also pushed his caddie into a sand trap on the 12th hole and yelled "You missed a spot!" "I think the key today was not paying attention to the scoreboard and just focusing on hitting the greens. They call me a crowd-pleaser, and I did just that by playing a solid round of golf." Other highlights from Murray's performance included his eagle on 5, his masterful par save on the 15th, and the time he jokingly attempted to depants Ernie Els while Els was lining up for a putt.
Desperate Clippers Sign Doug Christie To 10-Minute Contract #~# LOS ANGELES—Facing temporary fatigue and extremely short-term injury on the part of star center Elton Brand, the Los Angeles Clippers announced that they had bolstered their defense by signing journeyman guard Doug Christie to a 10-minute, 14-possession contract worth $8,575 before bonuses during the fourth quarter of Wednesday night's game against the Atlanta Hawks. "We're proud to have a player of Doug's caliber on board from now until about 9:30–9:35," said VP of Basketball Operations Elgin Baylor, who stressed that Brand would resume starting duties as soon as his stubbed big toe stopped smarting and he had caught his breath. "I only hope his Clippers career will be as memorable as it is long." Christie's incentive-laden contract will also pay him a bonus of $15 per point scored, $35 per blocked shot, and $125,000 for winning the NBA scoring title.
Mike Krzyzewski Assures Duke Players That Team Is Ranked 26th #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski reassured his slumping basketball team, which fell from the national top-25 rankings for the first time in 11 years following losses to Virginia, Florida State, UNC, and Maryland that they are in fact the very first team to have fallen off the charts. "Don't worry, gentlemen, we're the first team listed once you get past all the those teams there in the poll," Krzyzewski said in a post-practice team meeting at which he unveiled a banner stating the new team philosophy, "Unbeaten In Practice Equals Practically Unbeaten." "Duke is not just another also-ran—we're the top shelf of the second tier of college basketball." Krzyzewski blamed his team's recent fall in the rankings to a combination of unusually even-handed officiating, and "vengeful" opposing teams "running up the score" to a total of one or more points than Duke's.
ESP Lab Closing #~# A Princeton University lab studying extrasensory perception (ESP) is closing. What do you think? 
Hillary Clinton Inspires Young Girls To Form Presidential Exploratory Committees #~# NEW YORK—Sen. Hillary Clinton's (D–NY) preliminary announcement that she will seek the nation's highest office is having a profound effect on America's pre-teen girls, thousands of whom are forming their own exploratory committees to gauge early reaction to possible presidential bids. "I just think she's so great the way she's laying out her platform and putting out feelers," said 9-year-old Jen Villeneuve of St. Louis, who recruited former John Kerry campaign staffers to come with her to Iowa this week to discuss her energy policy with top ethanol producers. "I want to be just like her, especially in regards to her appeal to middle-class working families with pre-college children." In a related item, sales of junior-sized pantsuits and sensible shoes have doubled nationwide.
Alex Rodriguez Nervously Awaiting Invitation To Spring Training #~# NEW YORK—All-Star third-baseman and Yankee roster hopeful Alex Rodriguez is still anxiously waiting to receive official word that he has been invited to join the team in Florida for 2007 Spring Training, Rodriguez reported Monday. "I'm still confident, but I heard that Derek [Jeter] and Jorge [Posada] already got theirs, so I don't know what's taking so long," said Rodriguez, who has spent the past four hours peering out his front window waiting for the mail truck to drive by. "Maybe I should call the Yankees to make sure they sent it to my right address? They wouldn't have cut me. No. Certainly not. I'm sure there's a simple explanation for all this, and I'm just obsessing over nothing. Oh God, what if I was traded?" Rodriguez added that, should he not be formally invited to spring training, he will nonetheless show up, act like he's supposed to be there, and hope no one notices.
Bush Cuts Off Diplomatic Relations With Congress #~# WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush announced Monday that his administration will permanently sever ties with the democratically controlled United States Congress, ending a nearly 220-year-old alliance between the two governmental branches. 
Harvard's First Female President #~# Harvard University has selected its first female president.  What do you think?
Scooter Libby Trial #~# Scooter LIbby, former aide to Vice President Dick Cheney, is on trial for obstructing the investigation into the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Here are some highlights of the trial:
In College, I Marched Against Racism—And It Worked #~# Is there no one out there who cares about changing the world anymore? What happened to the passion, the love, the determination to make a difference? Today's youth spend their time sitting in front of their computers, but the people of my generation took a stand, took action, and reshaped our country. When I was in college, I marched against racism, and now there isn't racism anymore. 
This Man Obviously Has Substance Abuse Problems And No Capacity To Love vs. But You Love Him! #~# It is time to face facts: Your boyfriend has nothing to offer you. He is a mean drunk, a liar, a cheater, and an emotional drain. He contributes nothing to your life but added stress and self-doubt. You have been together five months and he wants to move in, but never once has he said "I love you," and he never even refers to you as his girlfriend. Clearly, he only wants to live with you because he is two months behind in his rent and is about to get evicted. 
Radical Islamic Extremists Snowboard Into U.S. Embassy #~# BAGHDAD—Extremist board-trick crew Al-J'Aqasse, the Middle East's most prominent Islamic radical snowboard posse, is taking full props for destroying the American embassy when a member nailed a goofyfoot 720 nosehook from a security-barrier railgrind into its offices while carrying 25 kilos of C4 plastic explosives, Thrashzeera magazine reported Tuesday. 
Ping-Pong Rules Adjusted For Girlfriend #~# EDEN PRARIE, MN—After having won three consecutive ping-pong matches by increasingly wide margins Saturday, David Richter, 27, adjusted the rules in favor of girlfriend Amy Lindon, 28, to avoid another lopsided victory. "I didn't want her to feel bad, and I actually didn't even want to beat her by so many points anymore," said Richter, who let Lindon hit the ball even if it bounced twice on her side, did not penalize her for serving illegally, and on one occasion tripled her overall score. "Toward the end, I was giving her points just for swinging the paddle in the direction of the ball." Richter won 21-7.
Franken Leaves Air America #~# Al Franken will be leaving the radio network Air America on February 14. What do you think?
Justin Timberlake Apathetically Crowned King Of Pop #~# LOS ANGELES—Performer Justin Timberlake, whose hit albums include Justified and FutureSex/LoveSounds, was crowned the de facto “King of Pop” Monday by recording-industry executives and millions of fans unable to think of anyone else to bestow the title upon.
Nation's Joggers Sick Of Finding Dead Bodies #~# CHICAGO—Citing the sobering statistic that over 10,000 of the 12,800 slayings in the United States in 2006 were reported by joggers, a national coalition of fitness enthusiasts called upon government officials Tuesday to impose measures that would reduce the likelihood of runners discovering lifeless bodies.
Apple Hard At Work Making iPhone Obsolete #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Only a month after the much-heralded announcement of the iPhone, Apple CEO Steve Jobs confirmed that his engineers were already working around-the-clock on the touchscreen smartphone's far-superior replacement. "We looked at [the iPhone's] innovative user interface, the paradigm-shifting voicemail, the best-in-class mobile browser, and we realized we could make all that seem ridiculously outdated by the time the product becomes available to customers in June," said Jobs, who described the project as "Apple reinventing the iPhone." "When the second-generation iPhone comes out this fall, we want iPhone users to feel not just jealous, but downright foolish for owning such laughably primitive technology." Jobs also hinted that the second iPhone device would not be compatible with existing Mac computers, third-party peripherals, or any future Apple products.
Porn Viewed By Young #~# A study published by the journal Pediatrics says that nearly half of Internet-using children, ages 10 to 17, have seen pornographic images. What do you think?
Holocaust Historian Can't Help Imagining What Random People Would Look Like Behind Barbed-Wire Fence #~# EVANSTON, IL—Northwestern University history professor Robert Grange admitted Monday that, because of his intense submersion in his Holocaust research, he constantly finds himself imagining what random people would look like emaciated and trapped behind barbed-wire fences. "Yes, I'm even doing it right now," Grange told reporters, adding that he often conjures up elaborate and detailed scenarios during his morning commute, in which nearby train passengers have been forcibly removed from their homes, separated from their families, and are being transported to Nazi death camps. "I try not to take work home with me, but when I see twin children I can't help but think what [Nazi scientist Josef] Mengele would have done to them." Grange added that he is no longer able to work out at his YMCA, and is currently looking for a gym facility without group showers.
Teacher's Leave Of Absence Shrouded In Legend #~# MOBILE, AL—Students at Adams Middle School have been feverishly speculating about the true circumstances surrounding seventh grade history teacher Mr. Benson's unannounced second-semester leave of absence—now approaching one month—raising the mysterious disappearance well into the status of legend among the student body at large.
Anna Nicole Dead #~# Anna Nicole Smith died in Miami on Thursday at the age of 39. What do you think?
Lovie Smith Becomes First African-American Coach To Lose Super Bowl #~# MIAMI—As devastating as their 29-17 Super Bowl XLI loss to the Colts was for the proud Chicago Bears, it was worse for their coach: Lovie Smith will forever be remembered as the first African-American coach to lose a Super Bowl.
Favre Announces He Will Return To College Football #~# HATTIESBURG, MS—Quarterback Brett Favre responded Saturday to the question of whether or not he had any football left in him by announcing that he would return for at least one more season at a major college program. "I'd like to win one more championship before I retire for good, and Southern Miss, Tennessee, and Florida all have talented young squads that could make a real run to number one next year," said Favre, who has been recruited by several top programs but will wait until after Signing Day to commit to a school. "I know I still have a ways to go with my decision-making, but I know I'd be the kind of quarterback that could grow along with a program." Although scouts from several Division I teams are interested in Favre, they noted that he played an option scheme in high school and seemed noncommittal about maintaining the required 2.25 GPA.
Dan Marino Squeezes Harder And Harder During Congratulatory Handshake With Peyton Manning #~# MIAMI—During a post-Super Bowl handshake between former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino and MVP Peyton Manning, the Colts quarterback reported that Marino gradually increased the pressure of his grip to the point where, by the end of the 10-second exchange, it was as if Marino was attempting to hurt Manning rather than congratulate him. "At first he was smiling and telling me how great he thought I played, but as the grip got firmer, he started talking through clenched teeth about how lucky I was to win a Super Bowl," Manning said, adding that the more Marino's grip increased, the less sincere his comments seemed. "Towards the end [of the handshake], he was just glaring at me, saying, 'I would kill to be you right now.'" Manning said that the handshake finally ended when the "crazy" look in Marino's eyes eventually disappeared.
Haggard Scared Straight #~# The Reverend Ted Haggard, who left his ministry amidst allegations of drug use and hiring male prostitutes is now reportedly "completely straight" after three weeks of therapy. What do you think?
Pirates GM Begins Making Frantic, Haphazard Moves After Realizing It's Almost Spring Training #~# PITTSBURGH—While watching the noon edition of SportsCenter in his pajamas Tuesday, an alarmed Pirates GM Doug Littlefield suddenly realized that spring training was just one week away and he had yet to make a single offseason transaction. "Shit shit shit—what do we need? Hitters? Pitchers? Pitchers. Can never have enough pitching. Who's a pitcher? Let's see, Randy Johnson, Roy Oswalt, Tom Glavine—wait, wasn't there some Japanese guy now who's good?" Littlefield reportedly said as he went to go put on pants, started running the shower, and picked up the phone to call his assistant. "Who's still available… A… A… Armas. Tony Armas Jr. Wait, is he already on the Pirates? No, that's Shawn Chacon. Good, that's one. Think, think: Who else is there in baseball?" Littlefield spent the next hour trying to figure out where the Pirates normally hold spring training before making the last-minute decision to send half the team to Arizona and the other half to Florida.
NBA's Eastern Conference Sends Four Players To All-Star Game #~# LAS VEGAS—With the teams comprising the NBA's Eastern Conference a combined 18 games below .500, fans and coaches saw it fit to only send four players from the struggling division to this year's NBA All-Star Game. "To fill out an entire roster would have been impossible," said Eastern Conference head coach Eddie Jordan, who will play Gilbert Arenas, Dwayne Wade, LeBron James, and Chauncey Billups for the contest's entire 48 minutes. "I mean, who else is out there? Shaq is old and hurt, Vince Carter can't even get his team to .500, and I don't even know who Chris Bosh is." In order to make things fair, Jordan said, he is hoping that Western Conference coach Mike D'Antoni will fulfill Jordan's request to give him one player from the Western squad, count all Eastern Conference baskets as three points, and for D'Antoni to not play any of his tall players.
Thousands Lose Jobs As Michigan Unemployment Offices Close #~# LANSING, MI—In another devastating blow to the state's already fragile economy, the Unemployment Insurance Agency of the state of Michigan permanently shuttered its nine branch offices Monday, leaving more than 8,500 unemployment employees unemployed.
Stegosaurus Is My Second-Favorite Dinosaur #~# The bones in its face just make it look so cool. It's huge, its knees are awesome, and of course, it has tail spikes. I would be totally remiss if I didn't mention the sweet tail spikes.
Microsoft Vista Released #~# Microsoft released its new operating system, Vista, on Jan. 30. Here are some of its features:
Troop Gradually Withdraws #~# BAGHDAD—According to members of his squad, 22-year-old Army Pfc. Casey Schreiner, who has been stationed in Iraq's Sunni Triangle for nearly a year and a half, is nearing completion of his psychological withdrawal from the war that constantly surrounds him. "The timetable for his exit certainly isn't optimal—we still need him to stay with us," said Cpl. Chris Oswald, adding that Schreiner began pulling out mentally little by little as members of his platoon were killed by roadside bombings, sniper shootings, and various personnel carrier and helicopter crashes. "At this rate, I think he'll be completely gone by spring." U.S. and coalition commander in Iraq Lt. Gen. David Petraeus said Schreiner is just one of thousands of troops who have experienced a phased cerebral withdrawal, adding that throughout the next year an estimated 20,000 more are expected to stage a retreat from reality. 
Seriously, Ladies, There Have Been Noise Complaints #~# How are you this evening, ladies? My name's Officer Randy. I'm a hard-bodied beat cop and I'm looking for Elizabeth Bender, please. Ms. Bender? I understand you're getting married tomorrow, but tonight you're in big trouble, ma'am. You see, we've been receiving calls from neighbors that you ladies are getting a little too rowdy in here, so HQ sent me over to take care of you. And that's exactly what I'm about to do.
Aqua Teen Payout Force #~# Turner Broadcasting has promised to pay the City of Boston $2 million to compensate for the cost of removing illegally placed promotional signs that were thought to be bombs. What do you think?
Mysterious Congressman Announces Dark Horse Candidacy #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Mysterious Congressman, whose flamboyant oratory and swashbuckling condemnations of greed and cynicism in modern politics have electrified Washington, announced Monday that he was considering a White House run in 2008.
Touring Raffi Refuses To Play 'Shake My Sillies Out' #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Raffi, the veteran Canadian children's entertainer, told an audience of 4-year-olds at the Shrine Auditorium last Friday that he would not play his popular hit "Shake My Sillies Out" during the 2007 Raffi Renaissance Tour, no matter how often his young fans requested it. "I wrote 'Sillies' at a completely different time in my life," said Raffi, explaining that he wanted to play "some lesser-known stuff" on the tour, such as "Joshua Giraffe" and "Spider On The Floor." "I appreciate you wearing your 'Shake My Sillies Out' T-shirts, but I like to think that as I grow as an artist, you'll grow with me." Parents attending the concert said their children stopped singing along and closed their eyes during Raffi's final number, a sprawling 20-minute instrumental rendition of "Bananaphone."
Florida Voting Machine Replacement #~# Florida Governor Charlie Crist recently requested $32 million to replace touch-screen voting booths adopted after the 2000 elections with a system that leaves a paper trail. What do you think?
Nation To Celebrate First-Ever Black History Month History Week #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Saying the time had come for America to recognize "some of its most unsung heroes," President Bush issued a statement Tuesday announcing the creation of Black History Month History Week, which is to be held in the last seven days of February and will honor the men and women who pioneered the commemoration of Black History Month.
Savings Lowest Since The Depression #~# Personal savings in the United States is the lowest it's been since the Depression. What do you think?
Area Man Needs Two More Trips To Best Buy To Beat Xbox 360 Game #~# MONROEVILLE, PA—Local resident Ronald Franks could be as little as two Best Buy visits away from completing the Xbox 360 video game Gears of War, Franks said Tuesday. "I told [wife] Susan not to expect me for dinner tonight, because right now I'm at the Train Wreck and I'm about to take on a Berserker," said Franks, 35, who has been playing the game daily for nearly three weeks and brings his own memory card from home. "I'm thinking I can get through that pretty quickly because I'll use my sniper rifle. Then it's right to Troika Central to get to the main boss, General RAAM. I'll probably take a personal day to defeat RAAM." According to Susan Franks, he also spends several hours each weekend at a nearby Barnes & Noble copying the Gears of War Official Strategy Guide onto a legal pad he brings along with him.
Feb. 4, 1932 #~# Hoover Hopes to Restore Faith in Nation’s Banks with Free-Toaster Offer
Ryan Seacrest Nervous About How Audiences Will Respond To Slightly Shorter Haircut #~# BURBANK, CA—American Idol host Ryan Seacrest announced on his syndicated radio show Monday that he will unveil a slightly shorter haircut on the top-rated reality show next week. "Don't worry: It's still going to be parted slightly to the left, and it will still have blond highlights, but it will be shorter—not crazy-short, but shorter," Seacrest said. "And count on the fact that it will be spiky. Possibly even more so. Some may resent the change, but change is necessary if we want to keep Idol fresh and vital." Later that same day, Seacrest told Access Hollywood's Billy Bush that Idol fans "needn't fear" about his wardrobe, which is contractually obligated to stay stylistically unaltered through late 2008.
Potato-Chip Connoisseur Detects Notes Of Sour Cream, Onion #~# ST. CHARLES, MO—Print-shop manager and potato-chip connoisseur Nathan Sterken, 26, was surprised by the "exceptionally rich mid-palate notes of onion" and "wonderfully creamy but sour overtones" in a fresh Big Grab bag of Lay's Sour Cream & Onion potato chips he purchased from a local deli Tuesday.
KFC Purges Trans Fats #~# Fried-chicken chain KFC announced that they would change their cooking process to reduce trans fats. What do you think? 
Peyton Manning Overjoyed His Commercials Will Finally Appear In Super Bowl #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Colts quarterback Peyton Manning took a moment during Super Bowl Media Day Tuesday to acknowledge his "deep, abiding joy and pride" that, after many years of attempting to make his presence felt on advertising's biggest stage, his commercials would finally be coming to the Super Bowl. "There's no greater honor for a major player in the endorsement game than to get to the Super Bowl," said Manning, a three-time AdWeek MVP who is attempting to prove once and for all that he can land the big campaign. "My dad was a great pitchman, but he never got here. People said I would never get here. But on Super Bowl Sunday, Sprint, DirecTV, MasterCard, Sony and I plan to prove them all wrong. I guarantee it." Manning will also be playing quarterback for the Colts during the game, although he is not expected to be televised nearly as much in that capacity.
Bears Deny Placing Snow, Fog Machines On Dolphin Stadium Sidelines #~# MIAMI—The owners, coaching staff, and equipment managers of the Chicago Bears continue to vehemently deny ownership of the 12 commercial-grade snowmaking machines and six fog generators that somehow appeared on the sidelines of Dolphin Stadium late Tuesday. "I have never seen these machines before, nor has the Chicago Bears organization ever needed to use such things in the course of football operations, as our home stadium is usually well-supplied with both snow and fog," barely discernible Bears head coach Lovie Smith said while standing hip-deep in a snowdrift during his Wednesday-night press conference. "The point is they're here now and we'll just have to learn to live with it—football players, journalists, and prissy indoor-team members alike." Coach Smith went on to say that he would file a formal protest with the league to remove the domed roof that mysteriously appeared on the top of Dolphin Stadium Wednesday morning.
Nuclear Plants Left Vulnerable #~# Federal regulators rejected nuclear policy group requests to increase security at California nuclear power plants, protecting them from aerial attack. What do you think?
Millions Of Americans Travel To Kentucky To Attend Barbaro's Funeral #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—In a stirring show of love and respect, millions of people—including Barbaro's owners, breeders, associates, foreign dignitaries and heads of state from over 90 countries, celebrities, and throngs of grief-stricken Americans hoping to catch one last glimpse of the 4-year-old stallion before he was laid to rest—gathered at Churchill Downs Wednesday to mourn the passing of a national hero and a beloved horse.
Rex Grossman Purposely Doesn't Tell Family, Friends He's In Super Bowl #~# MIAMI—Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman informed his teammates yesterday that he isn't going to tell his family and friends he's playing in Super Bowl XLI. "If I tell them, I know they'll watch, and that's just added pressure I don't need," said Grossman, adding that the last time he informed his parents he was playing in a football game, he threw three interceptions and posted a quarterback rating of 1.3 against the Minnesota Vikings. "If I do well, I can always send them a tape." Upon hearing that Grossman would not be using his standard allotment of tickets, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning reportedly inquired about purchasing them, saying he only needed five more to accommodate all of his 435 friends and family members.
Roger Federer Worried Fans Only Like Him For His Tennis Record #~# MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Following Roger Federer’s straight-set victory last Sunday against Fernando Gonzalez at this year’s Australian Open, the 10-time Grand Slam winner complained to reporters that fans only like him because of his outstanding record on the tennis court, not his personality. “Sometimes, I have to ask myself: If I weren’t the number-one ranked player in the world, would I be getting all this attention?” said Federer, who admitted that he would rather hear the cheers of thousands after telling one of his “signature jokes” instead of after a crosscourt winner. “People don’t know, but I’m a pretty fun, normal guy. In between practicing for tennis, thinking about tennis, and playing tennis, I like to eat meals, sometimes with somebody.” Federer added that in order to bring his personality to the forefront, he plans on “torching the field” at this year’s Wimbledon while wearing an “eclectic, slightly different shade of white.”
Burger King Going Cageless #~# Burger King announced that it would begin buying pork and eggs from farms that do not cage or crate their animals. What do you think? 
Climatologists Secure Funding To Breed Glaciers In Captivity #~# FAIRBANKS, AK—Researchers from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration received a $42 million federal grant for a captive-glacier breeding project that will attempt to spawn three to five of the massive, slow-moving bodies of land-carving ice by 2020.  "As the number of glaciers worldwide is less than half what it was 40 years ago, it is evident that we must do something to improve glacial fertility or they will face imminent extinction," said NOAA chief glacier behaviorist Ingrid Boorstein at a press conference at the future site of the National Indoor Glacier Preserve in central Alaska. "We've already sent teams of specially trained climbers to collect the Aletsch Glacier in Switzerland, Vatnajökull in Iceland, and the Siachen in the Himalayas to establish mating pairs."The NOAA has received heavy criticism for its past failed attempts to reintroduce wild glaciers into their former Ice Age habitats in Central Europe and on the plains of the American Midwest.
New Disney Ride Simulates Disney–ABC Merger #~# ORLANDO, FL—Visitors to the Walt Disney World theme park stood in line for hours Monday waiting to get on the Whirly Merge, a new thrill ride that promises all the excitement of the 1996 merger between the Walt Disney Company and Capital Cities/ABC, Disney officials said Wednesday. 
Misbehavior Linked To Day Care #~# A recent study showed that children who attended day care for a year or longer were more likely to be disruptive in grade school. What do you think?
Confident Phil Mickelson Guarantees Tiger Woods Will Win Masters #~# AUGUSTA, GA—After bogeying the 18th hole yesterday during a practice round at Augusta National, 2006 Masters Champion Phil Mickelson told reporters that he is "absolutely 100 percent certain" that this is Tiger Woods' tournament. "I don't mean to sound cocky, but it's just a confidence thing—I guarantee I'll be placing another green jacket on Tiger Woods come Sunday," Mickelson said, adding that Woods is the only one on the PGA Tour who can handle Augusta's length, the fast greens, and the pressure of competing on golf's most glorious stage. "It's no contest. You heard it here first, folks. We might as well just give Tiger the prize money now, as far as I'm concerned." When asked how he himself might fare at the event, Mickelson said he had "no idea" but would gladly settle for fifth.
Tank Johnson, Pac-Man Jones Killed While Arguing Over Who Inspired NFL Code Of Conduct #~# CHICAGO—The short, turbulent, and controversial lives of NFL cornerback Adam "Pac-Man" Jones and defensive tackle Terry "Tank" Johnson ended in a Chicago-area strip club last Tuesday night when an argument over which player had the greatest influence on the NFL's proposed code of conduct escalated into horrific but predictable violence. "We already had the club under surveillance as a possible hub for drug dealing, arms trading, prostitution, gambling, and counterfeiting, so when Jones and Johnson arrived around 11 p.m. we weren't surprised," FBI agent Ronald Murchowski told reporters on the scene. "They had no sooner ordered their bodyguards to throw money on the stage when the question of who had in fact inspired the new NFL player-conduct policies brought them to blows, stabbings, personal arson, and finally, gunplay." The NFL has not yet announced how it would deal with such tragedies in the future under the proposed "Jones/Johnson" or "Johnson/Jones" rules.
Tom Glavine Uses Pitching Metaphors To Explain Hitting #~# PORT ST. LUCIE, FL—All-Star slugger and batting instructor David Wright failed to show up to a youth baseball clinic last Monday, forcing New York Mets pitcher Tom Glavine to use pitching metaphors while teaching hitting to the youngsters. "When you're in there toeing the rubber, a lot of times you'll want to give it the gas, but sometimes it's best to change it up," Glavine said while demonstrating a bunt down the third-base line. "But no matter what, approach every start like it's your last. Imagine it's the bottom of the ninth, 3-2 count, and you've got to get a strikeout if you want to win." Meanwhile, Wright, who was reportedly at another location wondering where Glavine was, told the pitchers at his clinic that their success will ultimately hinge on their ability to deliver hard line drives unless they are truly confident enough in their "stuff" to locate soft bloopers.
Mavericks Free-Throw Coach Refers Player To Left-Handed-Lay-Up Coach #~# DALLAS—Mavericks free-throw coach Gary Boren decided Monday that he had "seen enough," realized he was unable to help backup center DeSagana Diop with his particular shooting problem, and decided to refer him to the Bob Jasperson, the Mavericks' left-handed-lay-up coach, for some retooling. "It took us two weeks, but we broke down DeSagana's lay-ups into 12 separate steps. Then we did the same thing, step by step, but with his left hand," Jasperson told reporters from his right-to-left themed office. "Diop, like many players of similar experience, was surprised to find it wasn't just the same shot mirrored—no, far from it!—and I must say, his progress has been really impressive." When Diop was asked if his new, smoother left-handed lay-ups would earn him a starting spot on the team, the center demurred, saying he still had long hours to put in with the team's pivot-foot coach, three-seconds-in-the-lane coach, and height trainer.
Great Cinderella Stories From The Annals Of Sports #~# This year's NCAA Final Four is without a doubt an all-powerhouse spectacle featuring four highly seeded teams, but it leaves fans without an overachieving George Mason, Milwaukee, or Butler to root for. To compensate, Onion Sports looks back at sports' greatest Cinderella stories:
NASCAR Unveils New 'Car Of Yesterday' #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Only days after its long-anticipated, much-criticized Car of Tomorrow debuted to overwhelmingly negative reviews at the Bristol Motor Speedway, NASCAR responded to the wishes of competitors and fans alike by introducing the stylishly retro, technologically retrograde NEXTEL Cup Car of Yesterday.
Edwards Discourages Sympathy Vote #~# Presidential contender John Edwards said that he does not want people to support him just because his wife has cancer. What do you think?
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses To Confessing Under Torture #~# GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA—Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the alleged 9/11 mastermind who recently admitted to murdering journalist Daniel Pearl and planning more than 30 other terrorist acts, confessed on tape Monday that he had made his recent confessions under extreme physical and mental duress.
Heroic Secret Service Agent Takes Question Intended For Bush #~# WASHINGTON, DC—White House Secret Service Agent Anthony Panucci is being called a hero after intercepting what could have been a critically damaging question aimed directly at President Bush during a press conference in the Rose Garden Tuesday.
Ain't Nobody Telling Me What My Baby Allergic To #~# So yesterday some bitch nurse at the clinic was wasting my time trying to tell me my baby Liondrae all allergic to penicillin or some shit. I don't know what kind of made-up bullshit that is. She probably, like, said it just to come off all important.
I'm Prepared To Give My Life For This Or Any Country #~# As a true patriot, I would gladly die in battle defending my homeland. I love my country more than my own life. But I would also be more than willing to give my last breath in the name of, say, Mexico, Panama, Japan, or the Czech Republic. The most honorable thing a man can do is lay down his life for his country. Or another country. The important thing is that it's a country.
Private Space Flight #~# Space Exploration Technologies, the company created by PayPal cofounder Elon Musk, recently launched a rocket that stalled before reaching its goal of orbiting the Earth. Here are some other highlights in the history of private space flight:
Online Porn Law Struck Down #~# Citing First Amendment concerns, Senior U.S. District Judge Lowell Reed Jr. struck down a law that made it illegal for adult-content providers to let children access sexual content. What do you think?
Friend Who's Into Politics Makes You Feel Stupid Again #~# CHICAGO—Nate Carney, 28, your well-read, politically minded friend of eight years, made you feel ignorant again Tuesday with his incisive breakdown of the current Democratic presidential candidates. 
Alternative Spring Break Devolves Into Real Spring Break #~# BILOXI, MS—What was intended to be a week devoted to charitable activities in a region still recovering from Hurricane Katrina quickly spiraled into a conventional, alcohol-fueled spring break this weekend, community sources reported.
Anna Nicole Smith Finally Reaches Target Weight #~# NASSAU, BAHAMAS—Former stripper turned Playboy Playmate turned reality-TV star Anna Nicole Smith has overcome her longtime struggle with obesity, at last reaching her target weight of 125 pounds, sources said Monday.
Injured Troops Request Extended Tours To Avoid Being Sent To Walter Reed #~# BAGHDAD—Many injured U.S. troops are actively lobbying for an additional six months of combat duty in Iraq to avoid returning to the United States to be treated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington.
Chiquita Paid Colombian Terrorists #~# Chiquita Brands International, Inc. has agreed to plead guilty to charges that the company made payments to Colombian groups designated as terrorist organizations by the U.S. State Department. What do you think?
College Senior Hopes To Turn Love Of Data Entry Into Career #~# BETHESDA, MD—As she prepares to enter the "dog-eat-dog" business world this summer, computer applications major Lisa Milch, 22, said Monday that she is skeptical she'll be able to parlay her lifelong passion for data entry into gainful employment.
General Calls Homosexuality 'Immoral' #~# Marine Gen. Peter Pace, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told the Chicago Tribune that he considered homosexuality "immoral." What do you think?
Fat Guy Mistakenly Thought Of As Strong #~# FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Due to his sheer mass, Derek "Moose" Glass, 26, is considered by his friends and relatives to be "stronger than an ox," when in actuality the 5-foot-7, 275-pound bartender is just fat. "I bet that guy can lift that desk over his head," friend Hank Ebbert, 27, said of Glass, who at that moment was lying on his couch finishing his fifth bag of Combos while watching Spike TV's Pros Vs. Joes. "Man, I bounced right off of Moose during a collision at home plate last summer. That guy is solid muscle after you get past all that [fat]." Ebbert went on to say that Glass was deceptively intelligent, though, in fact, the morbidly obese Glass has a below-average IQ, and is just quiet.
Starbucks Starts Music Label #~# Starbucks, the dominant retail coffee chain in the United States, has started its own label, Hear Music. What do you think?
Old Red Sox Uniform Only Outfit Left In Mo Vaughn's Closet #~# NORWALK, CT—Former MLB slugger Mo Vaughn awoke Tuesday morning to the grim realization that the only clean outfit remaining in his closet was his old #42 Boston Red Sox jersey and matching baseball pants. "Well, I'm just going to look stupid if I don't wear stirrups with this," Vaughn said to himself after changing into the uniform, buckling his belt, and looking through his old shoeboxes to find his good metal cleats. "And I may as well wear my Red Sox hat while I'm at it. And some eye black, since it's pretty bright out. Good thing the laundromat is only 15 blocks away." Vaughn, who carried his load of dirty laundry down the street in his old Wilson bat bag, said he couldn't wait to have his full wardrobe cleaned so he could switch into one of his less-embarrassing, roomier Angels or Mets uniforms.
Slight Breeze Shatters Ken Griffey Jr.'s Femur #~# CINCINNATI—Although Ken Griffey Jr. had nearly recovered from a broken hand sustained while playing with his children in December, his rehabilitation came to a sudden halt yesterday when a gentle 2 mph breeze wafted across his leg, shattering his femur in three places. "I knew it was broken right when that breeze hit me," said Griffey, who was walking from his sports therapist's office to his car in order to drive to his daughter's piano recital at the time of the injury. "These things just happen. If I would have known a breeze like that was coming, I never would have left the house." Reds manager Jerry Narron has stated that, upon Griffey's return to the Reds, he will be fitted with a personalized protective bubble to be worn for the remainder of the season.
Mike Lupica Uses Final Thought On Sports Reporters To Ask About His Missing Dog #~# NEW YORK—Sportswriter and pundit Mike Lupica, a regular panelist on ESPN's The Sports Reporters, used the time given him during the "Parting Shot" segment of last Sunday's show to alert the television audience to the recent disappearance of his beagle-Dachshund mix. "Our love of dogs, like our love of sports, has the power to bring us together despite our differences," Lupica said, holding a recent photo of his dog up to the camera. "Whether you agree with everything I say or not, I implore anyone out there who may have seen Puppica to please contact me care of ESPN or the Daily News. I can't answer all your letters, but I promise I will give them all consideration. He's wearing a blue collar and likes to fetch grounders. Thank you." Immediately after Lupica's monologue, Stephen A. Smith used his allotted "Parting Shot" screen time to point out that none of his many dogs, who "obviously loved [him] more than Lupica's dog loved his owner," had "ever, ever run away, and quite frankly, never would."
34-Year-Old Man Wants To Be Professional Bowler When He Grows Up #~# BRECKSVILLE, OH—Citing his ability to score over 100 points when he is "not even trying all that hard," Bernie Grout, 34, announced yesterday his dream of becoming a professional bowler when he grows up. "Ever since I was 27 and I got my first turkey, I fantasized about eventually pursuing this as a career," said Grout, adding that his love of bowling started when he and his father used to go to the OK Alley to "throw the ol' [bowling] ball around" when he was 26. "Just imagine what I could do if I had my own ball and one of those gloves." Grout plans on patiently working hard over the course of the next decade to lose some muscle mass, grow a solid moustache, and give up on all of his other dreams, so he can one day "compete on the professional level."
Conspiracy Theorists Insist Barbaro Still Alive #~# WEST GROVE, PA—Rumors and speculation that beloved racehorse Barbaro faked his own death last January in order to start a new life out of the public eye are beginning to surface among equine conspiracy theorists, who refuse to believe the horse would allow himself to be euthanized due to a broken right hind leg and laminitis of the left hoof.
Fantasy Baseball Busts And Sleepers #~# Given the phenomenal popularity of fantasy baseball, Onion Sports editors have picked out some of the best bargains and potential busts in this year's draft:
Bono Outbids Everyone At Charity Auction For Bono-Autographed Guitar #~# LOS ANGELES—During a Keep A Child Alive charity auction last Friday, U2 frontman Bono paid $575,000 for a guitar signed by the Irish recording artist, outbidding his nearest competitor by nearly $500,000.
Hillary Clinton Tries To Woo Voters By Rescinding Candidacy #~# DES MOINES, IA—Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton officially rescinded her bid for president at an Iowa campaign appearance Saturday.
Father Not Letting Firstborn Repeat Mistakes He Made As Nine-Month-Old #~# NAPERVILLE, IL—Citing a desire to ensure that his nine-month-old son, Jason, stays on the right path, Bill Yardley told reporters yesterday that he is determined not to let the infant make the same mistakes he made at that age.
Call For Gonzales's Resignation #~# Following a recent disclosure that the FBI has abused its powers to spy on private citizens, some Democratic senators and a key Republican are calling for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to resign. What do you think?
The Secret #~# The Secret—the new self-help book and DVD that purports to channel ancient wisdom and claims that if you ask the universe for something, it will be delivered—has become a nationwide phenomenon. Here are some of the book's tips: 
We Have New Intelligence Regarding The Identity Of The Counter-Spy Within The Department #~# Welcome, gentlemen. Please, make yourselves comfortable. I'm afraid Mei-Ling is picking out china patterns or planning a bridal shower or some such matrimonial matter this evening. Please feel free to avail yourself of coffee, cigars, cognac. 
Darling, We'll Always Have Minneapolis/St. Paul #~# Listen, little lady, the truth is, I'm no good at goodbyes. You probably know that better than anyone. But now is no time for tears, Brianne. If I were a different man in a different world, I'd be just about ready to shed one or two myself, but we gotta be brave right now. For us, for the company, for this whole crazy spinning rock we all live on. Your last few weeks filling in for Mariah won't amount to a hill of beans if you look back in despair. We may not have a future together at the same branch office but, darling, we'll always have Minneapolis/St. Paul.
Daylight Saving Time Earlier #~# Daylight Saving Time went into effect this past weekend, three weeks earlier than usual. What do you think?
White House Adds Eight Inches To White House Fence #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a need for heightened national security measures, President Bush had eight inches added to the 12-foot fence that surrounds his residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. "The president has always been a staunch advocate of domestic security, and this brave decision says to any potential burglar that if you want to get into his house, you are going to have an extra eight inches of fence to contend with," said White House press secretary Tony Snow at a news briefing Monday, adding that the president will also leave the television and the lights on every time he and the first lady go out. "In addition, the president got another guard dog, and, from now on, the garage doors will always be closed." While Snow denied rumors that the Bushes were considering moving to a safer nearby suburb, he confirmed that the new "This White House Protected By A Homeland Security System" sign on the front lawn is indeed just a clever deterrent.
Actress' Abortion Written Into TV Show #~# CULVER CITY, CA—Writers of a popular prime-time CBS sitcom spent the last three weeks making late-stage script adjustments to work its female lead's recent abortion into its storyline, sources close to the show revealed Monday.
Area Pagan Dreading Big Family Vernal Equinox Celebration #~# MEDFORD, OR—Despite evidence that the planets are aligned in his favor, local pagan Jeff Birch, 27, said Monday that he would "rather have a peaceful weekend at home" than attend his family's Vernal Equinox celebration on March 21. 
Heavily Processed Food Makes Pathetic Nutritional Claims #~# CHATTANOOGA, TN—In a move that industry observers are already calling desperate, McKee Foods today unveiled new packaging for Little Debbie Zebra Cakes that attempts to emphasize the snack's feeble nutritional value. "When people think about getting five percent of their niacin intake, we want them to think of Zebra Cakes," said spokeswoman Celeste Freid, who showed an early prototype of the new design's bright bold claims that Zebra Cakes offer "some vitamin C" and contain "almost one percent of your recommended thiamin mononitrate." "People will know just by looking at the box that every 200 Zebra Cakes fulfills their daily fiber requirements." Though consumer Max Swindel, of Westport, MA, claimed the new approach is a "waste of money," he did concede the snack's original claims of "Delicious!" "Yummy!" and "Scrumptious!" were dangerous understatements.
Caffeinated Donut Invented #~# Molecular biologist Robert Bohannon has created pastries with the caffeine equivalent of two cups of coffee. What do you think?
Specters Of Dental Hygienists Past Haunt Convention Center #~# SPOKANE, WA—More than one dozen attendees of a drapery and window coverings trade show at the local Comfort Inn and Convention Center last weekend reported seeing ghostly manifestations of dental hygienists from conventions long forgotten.
Man Who Plays Devil's Advocate Really Just Wants To Be Asshole #~# COLUMBUS, MO—Though area graphic designer Derek Sills says he plays devil's advocate to help his friends better understand opinions different from their own, sources close to Sills claim he takes on the dissenting role merely to be an asshole. "Now, I don't actually believe this or anything but, for the sake of argument, let's say your girlfriend is just dating you for your money," Sills said at a party last Saturday, after asking a group of friends to consider that the telephone may have been a "stupid invention." "Just playing devil's advocate here, guys, but perhaps slavery is the reason African Americans are so successful in sports these days." According to sources, Sills "crossed the line" when he asked if their friend Jamie's mother might have deserved to die.
Captain America Killed #~# Captain America, the comic book character created during World War II as a patriotic opponent of the Nazis, was killed by sniper bullets in a recent comic. What do you think?
Vince Carter Hires On-Court Assistant #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—New Jersey Nets shooting guard Vince Carter announced Wednesday that he had hired an on-court assistant to handle all his non-scoring-related basketball duties. "I'm proud to introduce Miss Juliet Werner, who will be dribbling for me, setting my picks, attempting to get me steals, doing my passing, and all other manner of stuff that's been getting in the way of my shot," Carter said in a press conference held to introduce the 5'4" Werner to the public. "Juliet will be my right hand, especially as I concentrate on dunking with my left in order to become a more complete player." The NBA has not commented on Carter's hiring of Werner except to say that, because she will be paid by Carter and not the Nets, her statistics will be treated as a subset of his.
Family Infighting Apparent In Funeral Guest Book #~# NEWTON, GA—More than 60 years of strife and infighting among the Horton family reportedly surfaced Monday in the funeral guest book for the patriarch, Lionel Horton, 89.
Venezuelans Flee to Florida #~# Wealthy Venezuelans are leaving their home country for Florida in order to escape the economic policies of President Hugo Chavez. What do you think?
'No Bunting' Rule Somehow Finds Way Into Updated MLB Rulebook #~# MILWAUKEE—The MLB Rules Committee announced the addition of a controversial new "no bunting" provision in the MLB rulebook Tuesday, described by chairman Sandy Alderson as "only fair." "A batter is out for illegal action when he fails to complete a full swing like everyone else just because he's fast and/or tricky," said Alderson, explaining the official instatement of Article 6.06(e) to the rules. "It's such a far run for the infielders, and plus it's so cheap." Other new rules include a 12-second time limit for a pitcher to deliver the ball, an automatic strike call for any batter who refuses to take his position in the batter's box, and the legalization of pegging.
College Baseball Prospect Comes Home To Find Scott Boras In Living Room #~# ATLANTA—Star Georgia Tech catcher Matt Wieters returned to his off-campus apartment following a 3-for-4, two RBI performance Monday, only to find a man he instantly recognized as MLB agent Scott Boras seated in a black leather swivel chair directly facing the door. "I've been expecting you," Boras reportedly said before uncrossing his legs, extinguishing his cigar, and snapping open a metal briefcase full of $100 bills. "I've been watching you, Matthew. Oh, yes, I have. And I'm going to make you a very rich man indeed. Now, I'm going to leave this briefcase here and be on my way. Do I have to tell you that I was never here? I thought not." In other Boras-related news, NC State pitching prospect Andrew Brackman recently reported falling asleep after eating a pizza delivered by "an anonymous fan" and waking up hours later bound and gagged in the back of a nondescript, windowless limousine en route to Yankee Stadium.
Visiting Columbus Blue Jackets 'Really Impressed' By City Of Calgary #~# CALGARY—During their three-game road swing last month, the Columbus Blue Jackets players could not stop gushing about the impressive architecture, diverse shopping opportunities, friendly people, and fascinating history they discovered in the city of Calgary. "I've really never seen anything quite like it," second-year player Gilbert Brule said while snapping photographs of the Sunridge Mall's TCBY, Spencer Gifts, and Radio Shack. "I feel like it would take me a lot longer to run out of things to say or do here than in Columbus." The Blue Jackets also discussed their dread of an upcoming two-week homestand while trying on hats at TJ Maxx, agreeing they should enjoy Calgary's urban, cosmopolitan pleasures while they could.
NCAA Tournament Bubble Teams #~# Last year's Cinderella showing by controversial tourney selection George Mason raised America's collective bubble-team awareness. Onion Sports picks out this year's marginal but notable picks:
NHL Signs Broadcast Deal With Food Network #~# NEW YORK—Flanked by Food Network president Brooke Johnson and cooking-show host Rachael Ray, Commissioner Gary Bettman announced yesterday that the NHL has opted out of its contract with the Versus cable channel (formerly the Outdoor Life Network) and has reached a long-term broadcasting deal with the Food Network starting in the 2007-08 season.
Honeybees Dying Mysteriously #~# American honeybees are being wiped out in record numbers by a mysterious illness. What do you think?
Florida Man Beats Out Heart Disease As Nation's No. 1 Killer #~# ATLANTA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that in the first two months of 2007, 47-year-old Wayne Ray Thomas of Jupiter, FL has surpassed heart disease as America's No.1 killer.
Jeopardy! Viewer Had No Idea He Knew So Much About Weasels #~# MILTON, MA—Longtime Jeopardy! fan Brian Kalorcz surprised himself Tuesday when a category on the popular game show revealed that his brain housed an unsuspected wealth of weasel-related knowledge.
Any Friend Of Yours Is A Potential Girlfriend Of Mine #~# You know that you're my man. For real. We've been through a lot together, and I know that you're good people. Likewise, you hang with good people. I respect that. And I want you to know that any friend of yours is a potential girlfriend of mine.
I Don't Want Health Care If Just Anyone Can Have It #~# As a concerned citizen, I must voice my adamant disapproval of the "universal health care" proposals we've been hearing so much about. I don't have any gripes with expanding and improving health coverage, per se. It's the "universal" part that irks me. Providing health care for all would completely undermine the whole idea of health care. If every last one of the 40 million uninsured bozos in this country is going to get access to the vast, virtually unnavigable system of medical care we chosen few now enjoy, then I no longer even want it.
State Apologies #~# The Commonwealth of Virginia recently apologized for slavery.  Following Virginia's lead, other states have apologized for these past transgressions:
Apple Unveils New Product-Unveiling Product #~# SAN FRANCISCO—At a highly anticipated media event Tuesday at San Francisco's Moscone Center, Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs introduced a new Apple product he said would "revolutionize" the process of unveiling new products throughout the world.
Walter Reed Head Fired #~# Army Secretary Francis J. Harvey has resigned after an investigation found systemic outpatient care deficiencies at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. What do you think?
Condoleezza Rice Drives Halfway To Airport Before Realizing She Forgot Interpreter #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Just 15 minutes away from Dulles International Airport yesterday, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reportedly shouted to herself, muttered an expletive under her breath, and made a sharp U-turn across four lanes of highway when she realized she had left her interpreter at home, Deputy Secretary of State John D. Negroponte confirmed. 
High School Student Council Passes Nonbinding Resolution #~# BARSTOW, CA—In a move intended to send an "unmistakably clear message" to Barstow County High School Principal Robert McCluskey, the school's student council approved by a vote of 22-3 during seventh period Monday a nonbinding resolution criticizing the principal's recent decision to install three extra hall monitors. 
Harry Potter Nude #~# Actor Daniel Radcliffe, best known for his role as Harry Potter in the same-titled film series is appearing in a London production of the play Equus, complete with a nude scene. What do you think?
Unreleased Jimmy Page Guitar Riff To Be Retrieved From Secret Vault To Save Rock And Roll #~# GWYNEDD, WALES—Calling it the planet's last, best hope for saving rock music, the Guardians of the Protectorate of Rock announced Monday that they would take the extraordinary step of unleashing a never-before-heard Jimmy Page riff, hidden for decades in a mythic, impenetrable vault.
Research Grant Blown Wooing Cute Research Assistant #~# MISSOULA, MT—University of Montana wildlife biologist and Herbert R. Braithwaite Foundation research grant recipient Dr. James Neuthom has spent his entire $275,000 grant—intended for the study of whirling disease on rainbow trout—on such items as a 15-foot sailboat, scented stationery, and several dozen boxes of chocolate, according to documents he submitted to the foundation Tuesday.
Computer Crash Affects Dow Jones #~# A computer error fueled a panic at the already jittery New York Stock Exchange Tuesday, causing stocks to fall further. What do you think?
Anchor Ad-Libs News With 97 Percent Accuracy #~# LINCOLN, NE—Veteran KLKN lead anchor Steve Hart, who has delivered over 5,000 newscasts for the ABC affiliate over 21 years, improvised the entire 6 p.m. report with remarkable accuracy Monday after his TelePrompTer malfunctioned just 15 seconds into the broadcast. 
Kevin Garnett: 'I Want To Stay In Minnesota Because I Like Losing' #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Star forward Kevin Garnett reiterated his desire to remain with the third-place 26-30 Timberwolves—the team with which he has lost for 11 seasons—claiming that he simply enjoys being defeated by far superior teams on a regular basis. "To me, there is no feeling quite like losing. I've always said that losing is the most important thing, and I feel like I can lose in Minnesota this year as well as for years to come," Garnett said. "Sure, I might have a better chance of losing in Memphis or Milwaukee, but it would just be more special to lose in front of the fans in Minnesota." Garnett added that a playoff appearance this year would not change his mind, as he has been waiting since 2004 to get another chance to lose on basketball's biggest stage.
Report: Almost Nobody Raped During Duke's First Lacrosse Match #~# DURHAM, NC—The Duke Blue Devils lacrosse team celebrated a triumphant return to the field last Saturday, defeating the Dartmouth Big Green 17-11 in a game that featured six goals by junior Zack Greer, eight saves from goaltender Dan Loftus, and close to zero reported rapes. "The Duke lacrosse program plans to uphold its proud tradition of winning and barely raping anyone," first-year coach John Danowski told assembled reporters and law-enforcement officials after the match. "And it was great to see the record number of 6,485 fans in attendance, all of whom really showed their support except the two female undergraduates seated in Section 8A and [Blue Devils cheerleader] Chrissy [Heinman], who were being sexually assaulted." Danowski predicted many more victories and even fewer rapes as the season progresses.
Raptors Ask Cavaliers To Come Over And Play At Their Stadium Instead #~# TORONTO—In an attempt to more favorably arrange his team's schedule for the next week, Raptors forward Chris Bosh called fellow NBA player LeBron James to see if James' Cavaliers would come over and play in Toronto instead of holding the scheduled game "all the way out there in Cleveland." "It just seems like every time our teams match up, we always go to your place," said Bosh, responding to James' insistence that it was in fact Cleveland's turn to host. "C'mon, you know we never have any fun there, and plus our locker rooms are way cooler." Both players agreed that, whatever they decided, nobody ever wanted to have another game at the Fedex Forum in Memphis, which is "way creepy" due to all the cats, the moldy stacks of newspapers, and the way Grizzlies'  owner Michael Heisley spends the game sitting in a rocking chair in the luxury box wearing only sweatpants and holding his shotgun.
NFL Combine Highlights #~# With the NFL draft combine in the books, Onion Sports takes a closer look at some of the more notable performances:
Cheney Nearly Bombed #~# At least nine people have died in a suicide bombing at a U.S. base in Afghanistan during Vice President Dick Cheney's stay. What do you think?
Excited Red Sox Fans Eagerly Await Debut Of Matsuzaka's 'Ultimate Galactic Dragon Gyroball Pitch Power Explosion' #~# BOSTON—Now that Manny Ramirez has reported to camp and the spring-training opener against Minnesota is in the books, Red Sox fans are turning their attention to the awesome power rumored to dwell within much-touted off-season pitching acquisition Daisuke Matsuzaka—a man who many say possesses pitching powers and techniques beyond the comprehension of mortal fans.
Norah Jones Releases Debut Album For Third Time #~# NEW YORK—With critics hailing its sound as "reminiscent of a young Norah Jones," Norah Jones' third album, Not Too Late, features the singer-songwriter performing mellow, acoustic pop songs with soul and country-pop tones. 
Steinbrenner: Torre's Job In Jeopardy If He Doesn't Win Grapefruit League #~# TAMPA, FL—New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner informed reporters yesterday that manager Joe Torre could face firing if the Yankees do not emerge from spring training as Grapefruit League champions. "I expect—and our great fans in Tampa demand—Joe Torre to bring the Grapefruit League championship home every year," said Steinbrenner, adding that Torre will also be "held to the Yankee standard" in both simulated and intrasquad games. "Though Joe has had success in the past, we haven't brought the Grapefruit League trophy home to Legends Field in I don't know how long." Steinbrenner added that he has given Torre every possible resource he should need to finally defeat the Grapefruit League's longstanding dynasty, the Kansas City Royals. 
Area Woman's Entire Day Ruined By Bangs #~# ROCKLAND, DE—Local resident Heather Telford's entire Friday was ruined by a set of uncooperative bangs that refused to set correctly, the 26-year-old benefits coordinator told reporters.
Rosie Leaving The View #~# Rosie O'Donnell announced that she is leaving The View. What do you think?
April 30, 1992 #~# L.A. Rioters Demand Justice, Tape Decks
Prospective Student Had Most Fun Getting Drunk At Arizona State #~# BRINKLEY, AR—After taking a week off from school to evaluate prospective colleges, high school senior Angela Ross said Monday that, though all the campuses she visited had their strong points, she enjoyed getting drunk at Arizona State University the most.
Don Cheadle 'Riveting' In Coffee Shop Purchase #~# LOS ANGELES—Following his critically acclaimed performance in the post-Sept. 11 drama Reign Over Me, a "spellbinding" interview on The Colbert Report, and a graceful supporting role in a recent "Make Your Own Super Bowl Commercial" ad campaign, actor's actor and voice of his generation Don Cheadle captivated patrons of Ollie's Coffee Shop in downtown L.A. Monday with his order of a grande half-caff Americano and banana- walnut muffin.
MLB Credits Hank Aaron With 50 Lost Home Runs #~# MILWAUKEE—In what Major League Baseball officials are calling a "long overdue correction of a gross oversight," Commissioner Bud Selig announced Tuesday the discovery that Hall of Famer Hank Aaron had in fact accumulated 50 previously unaccounted-for home runs during his illustrious 22-year baseball career, bringing his once record total of 755 to an even higher 805 and putting the all-time home-run record perhaps forever out of reach.
Pentacle Allowed On Veterans' Tombstones #~# The Department of Veteran Affairs will allow Wiccan symbols to appear on gravestones of veterans who practiced the faith. What do you think?
Local Authorities More Than Happy To Let FBI Take Over #~# BUDA, TX—Officials with the Hays County sheriff's department said Monday they were "extremely relieved" to hand over to FBI investigators the highest-profile homicide case ever to come across their desks.
Oregon Governor On Food Stamps #~# Gov. Ted Kulongoski of Oregon is living on a budget of a week's worth of food stamps for the state's Hunger Awareness Week. What do you think?
Kobe Bryant Still Shocked Every Time He Makes A Jump Shot #~# LOS ANGELES—Despite his above-average field-goal percentage and 31.5 points per game, nine-time NBA All-Star Kobe Bryant admitted that he is "struck with complete and utter wonder" every time he makes a jump shot. "There's barely enough room for the ball to get in the hoop in the first place, the trajectory has to be absolutely perfect, and men who are just as tall and athletic as I am are being paid good money to stop me," Bryant said yesterday in a post-game press conference. "The combination of physics, timing, and pure human instinct involved in getting that ball to describe a perfect scoring arc through the air and into the hoop is… It might as well be an act of God." Bryant credited the mystery of the jump shot for inspiring him to spend long periods of time in churches, museums, and planetariums, meditating on the interconnectedness and seeming impossibility of all things.
NFL's New Code Of Conduct #~# By introducing his new Code Of Conduct and suspending "Pacman" Jones for the entire 2007 season, Commissioner Goodell has sent the strong message that bad behavior in professional football will no longer be tolerated. Onion Sports runs down some of the particulars of the new code:
Floyd Mayweather Nervous That Training For De La Hoya Fight Has Not Involved Throwing Single Punch #~# LAS VEGAS—WBC welterweight champion Floyd "Pretty Boy" Mayweather expressed concern Tuesday over the training methods employed by his corner man and uncle Roger Mayweather, as he has not yet thrown a single punch while training for his upcoming "superfight" against multi-division world champion Oscar De La Hoya. "Uncle Roger's been putting me through plenty of, you know, running and jump-rope and footwork stuff, plus some medicine-ball drills and some lifting, but I haven't even had gloves on for weeks," Mayweather told a Ring magazine reporter writing an article on his stationary-bicycle technique. "I mean, he's telling me I'm doing great, he says it's not like I forgot how to hit or anything, but come on—shouldn't I at least do some work on a speed bag or throw some combinations at a sparring partner before going into the biggest fight in boxing history instead of all this Pilates?" De La Hoya has also expressed frustration with his own training regimen, which has thus far consisted of eating egg salad sandwiches while watching daytime television.
David Eckstein Hints To Parents That He Wants Birthday Cake Designed Like Hamburger #~# ST. LOUIS—Ever since walking into a Baskin Robbins with his parents after one of his professional baseball games, Cardinals shortstop David Eckstein has constantly hinted that he would like an ice-cream cake resembling a hamburger, a Baskin Robbins specialty, for his next birthday. "Wow! Isn't that so crazy, how that cake looks just like a hamburger even though it's a cake, Mom? It's so cool!" Eckstein said of the cake, which features a "bun" crafted from chocolate frosting and "sesame seeds" of white-chocolate sprinkles. "Boy, I bet that cool hamburger cake would make someone's birthday really extra-special." Although Eckstein's birthday is in January, his parents secretly purchased the cake during their last Baskin Robbins outing and intend to surprise him with it the next time he hits a double. 
Garden State  Some Poor Fuck's Favorite Movie #~# LOS ANGELES—Despite the existence of cinema classics such as Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and Seven Samurai, the 2004 film Garden State starring Zach Braff and Natalie Portman is some poor fuck's favorite movie, according to a posting on imdb.com. 
Hideki Matsui Can't Believe He Didn't Homer During Every At Bat In Single-A Ball #~# NEW YORK—During his recent stint on the 15-day disabled list, Hideki Matsui completed a two-day rehab assignment with Class A Tampa Yankees in which he went 2-for-6 and "didn't even hit one [home run] the whole time." "I've hit homeruns off Cy Young winners in clutch situations, but for some reason I couldn't even get an extra-base hit off some guy named Waldrop in the fourth inning of an inconsequential game," Matsui said through a translator. "I thought I was sent to Single-A to make myself feel better by humiliating these younger, less-experienced players. Sorry, that's hardly what happened." In an attempt to regain his confidence, Matsui recently traveled to Westchester, NY, claimed to be "new in town," and entered a pick-up game with some neighborhood children in which he went 1-for-5 and was picked off in an attempt to steal second base.
Middle East Conflict Intensifies As Blah Blah Blah, Etc. Etc. #~# MIDDLE EAST—With the Iraq war in its fifth year, the war in Afghanistan in its sixth, and  conflict between Israel and the rest of the region continuing unabated for more than half a century, intelligence sources are warning that a new wave of violence in the Middle East may soon blah blah blah, etc. etc., you know the rest.
Weird Kid Shines During Dissection Project #~# PONCA CITY, OK—Weird Ponca City High School freshman Sam Hollis, 14, briefly transcended his lifelong streak of social awkwardness Wednesday, surprising his classmates and teacher when he deftly dissected a frog during his second-period biology lab.
Gaze Upon My Baseball Cap Collection And Try To Remain Unmoved #~# Allow me, with your kind permission, to present to you my pièce de résistance. I must warn you, as one of the select few to have ever witnessed it, you may find it difficult to maintain your composure. A sight such as this is not to be viewed lightly. Steel yourself, for it will be overwhelming. Behold my baseball cap collection in all its glory!
Female Boss Walking Around Like She Owns The Place #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Lydia Bernoldini, the CEO of financial services firm Bernoldini & Co., consistently uses her personal carriage and manner of verbal address to establish a commanding presence in the workplace, her staff reported. "I don't know where Lydia gets off acting like the big cheese all the damn time," said James Halterfeyer of his boss, whom he described as "bossy." "She acts like what she says goes, even if I don't agree with it entirely." Roughly 65 percent of Bernoldini employees echoed Halterfeyer's sentiments, specifically mentioning her refusal to be addressed as "Lydia" and the fact that female employment had swelled to 35 percent of the company since Bernoldini took over from her father in 2002. 
It Wuz Always 'Bout Tha Numbahs #~# Sleepless hours and dreamless nights and far aways / Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here. 
Unsolved Hip-Hop Crimes #~# Now that a suspect has finally been named in the 2002 killing of Jam Master Jay, police have turned their attention to other unsolved hip-hop crimes. Here are some that are currently under investigation.
Boris Yeltsin Dead #~# Boris Yeltsin, the first democratically elected president in Russia after the fall of the Communist regime, died early Monday. What do you think?
Mayor Daley's Son Appointed Head Of Illinois Nepotist Party #~# CHICAGO—Mere weeks after his unusual mid-March graduation from Northwestern University's School of Law, Shaun Daley, son of Chicago mayor Richard M. Daley, was named chairman of the Illinois Nepotist Party Monday.
No Baghdad Wall #~# The Iraqi prime minister has ordered the U.S. military to stop construction of a wall separating Shia and Sunni neighborhoods in Baghdad. What do you think?
Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Despite having been on the job for nine months, RadioShack CEO Julian Day said Monday that he still has "no idea" how the home electronics store manages to stay open.
Antipsychotics Reduce Sex Drive #~# A study of people taking antipsychotic drugs for treatment of schizophrenia shows reveals that diminished sexual function is an unwanted side effect.  What do you think?
Cheney Celebrates Earth Day By Breathing Oxygen #~# WASHINGTON, DC—At a special Earth Day event Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney inhaled his first-ever breath of oxygen.  "I am…proud to stand before you today and…breathe in the same gas used by…millions of Americans," said a wheezing and gasping Cheney, whose body is accustomed to compounds of chlorine and sulfur dioxide. "One breath, however, is enough for me. I'm glad the stuff will be out of the atmosphere forever in a few decades."  Cheney then left the press conference to attend a cardiac health awareness dinner, where he feasted on human hearts.
Street Evangelist Saves 300 Souls From Enjoying Park #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Open-air preacher "Brother Sam" Hilson rescued more than 300 of God's children from appreciating a cloudless spring day at Golden Gate Park Tuesday by informing them of their sins and the swift approach of Judgment Day.
'Partial-Birth Abortion' Ban Upheld #~# The Supreme Court upheld a 2003 Congressional ban on intact dilation and evacuation of a fetus. What do you think?
Love Letter Made Longer By Increasing Margins #~# CRYSTAL BAY, NV—A half-page love letter written using Microsoft Word on Monday by Derek Glassburn, 19, to his girlfriend Amanda Tinker, 20, was expanded to a full page by increasing the document's margins by nearly one-quarter inch on all sides.
'This American Life' Completes Documentation Of Liberal, Upper-Middle-Class Existence #~# CHICAGO—Producers of the long-running Chicago Public Radio program This American Life announced Monday that they have completed their comprehensive 12-year survey of life as a modern upper-middle-class American.
Brady Quinn: 'I'm Going To Be A Bust' #~# DUBLIN, OH—Top draft prospect Brady Quinn, a strong-armed quarterback out of Notre Dame who is expected to be taken with one of the first five picks in the draft, told scouts interviewing him at his family home Monday that he would in all likelihood be a huge NFL bust. "While it's true I have impressive arm strength, and that I'm willing to stand up in the pocket against the rush, the fact remains that my lack of downfield accuracy gets me in trouble on the deep throws and my field vision is suspect," Quinn told draft evaluators from the Raiders, Browns, and Cardinals."Combine that with the enormous starting bonus I'll receive and the tendency for teams to try and develop quarterbacks long after they should give up, and I really just have 'bust' written all over me." While Quinn recommended teams look to solid prospects such as quarterback Jamarcus Russell, tackle Joe Thomas, and running back Adrian Peterson, Raiders owner Al Davis is reportedly more interested than ever in signing Quinn.
ESPN Interrupts Drew Bledsoe's Retirement Speech To Air Commercials #~# DALLAS— Though ESPN intended to broadcast Drew Bledsoe's entire retirement speech last Wednesday, the sports network cut away from the veteran quarterback's press conference in order to air commercials for electronics retail giant Circuit City, Sprint, and the new Honda Accord. "I have learned a lot in my 14 years in this great league, but the one thing that always stuck with me, no matter how difficult it got out there, was…" said Bledsoe before the network aired the two-minute block of advertisements, after which they cut back to Bledsoe's concluding statement. "…Only wish I could have played a lot better. Thanks." ESPN then interrupted the proceeding question-and-answer session with more commercials from Chrysler, Zip-Car, and, for viewers in the Pittsburgh area, a local commercial for attorney Edgar Snyder.
Biggest Busts In The History Of The NFL Draft #~# For every draft selection that goes on to be a hero for his team, 10 more fade into obscurity. Still others achieve infamy through overhype and underperformance. Onion Sports remembers some of the worst:
FDA Rarely Inspects Imported Food #~# Despite routinely being rejected as unfit for human consumption, only 1.3 percent of imported fish, vegetables, fruit, and other foods are inspected by the Food and Drug Administration. What do you think?
Albert Pujols Can't Bring Self To Hit Against Ex-Teammate Jeff Suppan #~# ST. LOUIS— Saying that he was "too overwhelmed" with memories of their 2006 World Series run, Albert Pujols couldn't bring himself to do well against former teammate Jeff Suppan during the Cardinals–Brewers game last Saturday. "Seeing his face really choked me up, man," said Pujols following an 0-for-4 performance, which consisted of letting 12 strikes go past him without taking a single swing. "His locker used to be right over there, and he would change into his uniform there, too. I hugged him real hard when we won [the World Series]." Despite Pujols' obvious emotional connection to Suppan, the right-handed pitcher said he doesn't remember Pujols saying one word to him last season.
NFL Draft In Chaos As Mel Kiper's Big Board Is Knocked Over #~# BRISTOL, CT—NFL officials and ESPN executives made an emergency announcement Tuesday stating that the 2007 NFL Player Draft may have to be postponed indefinitely, as draft guru Mel Kiper Jr.'s Big Board, the index-card-laden bulletin board used to catalog, rank, and track every single player in the draft, was accidentally knocked over late Monday night.
Tim Duncan's Sincere Apology Confuses Referee Enough To Eject Him From Game #~# DALLAS—Baffled by Tim Duncan's unexpected sincerity in apologizing following a technical foul, NBA official Joey Crawford responded by issuing Duncan a second technical and ejecting him from the game. "I don't know what the hell he was trying to pull with that gentle tone of voice and that attitude of heartfelt honesty, but I wasn't about to fall for it," Crawford told reporters after being asked about reacting so strongly to Duncan's attempt at shaking hands and putting the incident behind them both. "I'm pretty sure Duncan was really saying he wanted to punch me." Following the game, Crawford was arrested for assault after attacking a concession-stand employee who gave him a free hot dog in what Crawford claims was an attempt to make him "look cheap."
Area Man Realizes He's Not The Cool Uncle #~# BABBITT, MN—After watching his brother-in-law wow his nieces and nephews during a family reunion with his ability to dunk a basketball and his willingness to let them ride around in the back of his pickup truck, Glenn Daniels, 32, realized Sunday that he is not the family's cool uncle.
Tim Duncan's Sincere Apology Confuses Referee Enough To Eject Him From Game #~# DALLAS—Baffled by Tim Duncan's unexpected sincerity in apologizing following a technical foul, NBA official Joey Crawford responded by issuing Duncan a second technical and ejecting him from the game. "I don't know what the hell he was trying to pull with that gentle tone of voice and that attitude of heartfelt honesty, but I wasn't about to fall for it," Crawford told reporters after being asked about reacting so strongly to Duncan's attempt at shaking hands and putting the incident behind them both. "I'm pretty sure Duncan was really saying he wanted to punch me." Following the game, Crawford was arrested for assault after attacking a concession-stand employee who gave him a free hot dog in what Crawford claims was an attempt to make him "look cheap."
Unemployed Scientists Prove Dog Likes Beer #~# NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—A team of three out-of-work stem cell biologists announced Monday that, after four weeks of rigorous observation and field testing, the evidence conclusively shows that chief researcher Dr. Henry Rogers' dog Franklin likes beer.
Rhode Island Votes To Move 2008 Primary To Tomorrow #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—The Rhode Island legislature has passed a law moving the state's presidential primary to tomorrow, forcing candidates from both parties to hastily revise their schedules and platforms.
Fighting Chinese Piracy #~# The United States recently filed several complaints with the World Trade Organization against the Chinese government for its failure to clamp down on media piracy and counterfeiting. Here are some other measures the U.S. has taken to combat the problem:
Just This Once, Let's Stay Up All Night And Do A Bunch Of Coke #~# Hey guys, listen up for a second. I know this might sound a little crazy, but hear me out. We've all been working really hard lately on the trading floor, and I'm sure everybody wants to go home and turn in early tonight. But why don't we try mixing things up? What say we, just this once, get our hands on some cocaine and stay up all night partying at bars and strip clubs?
When I Die, I'm Going To Haunt The Fuck Out Of You People #~# As long as I can remember, my life has been a constant stream of insults, condescension, and humiliation at the hands of you people. Well, I'm sick of it. I may be too cowardly and weak to do anything about it in this lifetime, but I promise I'll have my revenge just the same. After I die, I'm going to come back as the scariest damn ghost you've ever seen, guaranteed—and I'm going to spend my days haunting the fuck out of you all.
Richard Gere Angers India #~# Protesters in India burned Richard Gere's image in effigy after the actor repeatedly kissed a Bollywood actress at an AIDS awareness rally. What do you think?
Only Jewish Kid In Class Asked To Talk About Holocaust Remembrance Day #~# KIRKLAND, WA—In honor of Holocaust Remembrance Day, 11-year-old Bobby Schwartz, the only Jewish student in Mrs. Yost's fifth grade class, was asked to explain how and why Hitler murdered six million Jews during World War II. 
al-Sadr Leaves Iraqi Government #~# Radical Shiite cleric and militia leader Moqtada al-Sadr announced that he is withdrawing six of his ministers from the Iraqi cabinet. What do you think?
McCain To Send Self Back To Vietnamese POW Camp To Revitalize Campaign #~# PHOENIX, AZ—In what insiders say is an attempt to revitalize his flagging campaign and convince voters that he is still a straight-talking maverick, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) announced Sunday that he will subject himself to the same mental torment and physical abuse he endured nearly 40 years ago at the same Vietnamese camp where he was once held as a prisoner of war.
Study: You Have HPV #~# ATLANTA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released updated human papillomavirus infection rate statistics Tuesday, which include you among the millions now living with the sexually transmitted infection.
Taxpayer Information At Risk #~# A recent government report concluded that the IRS has not adequately protected the data on 52,000 IRS laptops. What do you think?
Roomba Violates All Three Laws Of Roombotics #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—A top-of-the-line, third-generation Roomba Scheduler robotic floor-cleaning vacuum purchased in January by 35-year-old claims adjuster Ken Graney has inexplicably broken all three laws of Roombotics, a simple yet vital protocol programmed into every Roomba by its manufacturer, iRobot.
Kurt Vonnegut Dead #~# Kurt Vonnegut, author of The Sirens of Titan and Slaughterhouse-Five, died late Wednesday evening of head injuries sustained in a fall earlier this year. What do you think? 
Majority Of Parents Abuse Children, Children Report #~# LOS ANGELES—A chilling national poll of U.S. children ages 3 through 12 estimated that nearly 75 million youngsters suffer both physical and psychological abuse at the hands of their parents on a daily basis.
Eulogy Filled With Pro-Christian Propaganda #~# SCHENECTADY, NY—Friends and loved ones of deceased community leader Bob Liddell alleged Monday that the occasion of his passing was exploited for mere religious purposes, accusing the officiating pastor at his Saturday funeral, the Rev. Frank Hyams, of turning the ceremony into a pro-Christian diatribe.
Jim Nantz Makes Arnold Palmer Watch Old Clips Of Himself Until He Cries #~# AUGUSTA, GA—During a televised tribute to 77-year-old Arnold Palmer, CBS's lead golf anchor Jim Nantz made the four-time Masters champion watch old clips of himself as a young, athletic, handsome man until Palmer broke down and cried. "Arnie, look at your swing—look at the way you used to move so powerfully yet gracefully through the ball," said Nantz, who then made the already choked-up Palmer begin to sob when he pointed out all the adoring fans cheering him on during his 1958 Masters victory. "And here, for the first time, in color, is footage of you winning the 1960 Masters. Your clothes fit you so much better. You walk down the fairways with agility. You are really at the top of your game here both physically and mentally. God, you must miss it." According to a production assistant present at the taping, Nantz denied Palmer any tissues.
Tiger Woods Reveals He Is Zach Johnson #~# AUGUSTA, GA—World No. 1-ranked golfer Tiger Woods, after appearing to struggle through the weekend—playing with uncharacteristic inconsistency, bogeying twice in the final rounds, and breaking clubs—shocked the crowd at Augusta by stripping off a carefully crafted mask and revealing that he had created the character of "Zach Johnson," played both Johnson's rounds and his own, and was in fact the winner of this year's Masters.
Jeff Kent To Wear No. 42 To Honor Mariano Rivera #~# LOS ANGELES—Though all the players on the Los Angeles Dodger roster will be wearing No. 42 on April 15 to commemorate the anniversary of Jackie Robinson breaking Major League Baseball's color barrier, Dodger second-baseman Jeff Kent told reporters yesterday that he will wear the much-celebrated number to honor Yankee great and future Hall of Famer Mariano Rivera. "Mariano is easily my favorite pitcher, and I think it's wonderful that I finally have the opportunity to show how much he has meant to both me and to the game of baseball," said Kent, adding that Rivera is "the greatest player to ever don the No. 42 jersey." "Most important, he made it possible for Panamanians everywhere not to be afraid to chase their dreams." Kent added that he hoped Major League Baseball would eventually "get their act together" and retire No. 42 for good, which he feels would be the ultimate tribute to Rivera.
Young Knicks Player Keeps Asking About Patrick Ewing #~# NEW YORK—Sources within the New York Knicks organization report that outspoken Knicks guard Nate Robinson continues to ask pressing questions concerning the whereabouts of "the supposed big-time legend" Patrick Ewing during team practices, in-game timeouts, and even personal phone calls to Knicks coach Isiah Thomas. "If this guy's so good, if he's such a Knicks institution, how come he never shows up to practice, or even regular-season games, like the rest of us do?" Robinson asked during lay-up drills the day after a crushing defeat by the Detroit Pistons. "I mean, we really could have used a seven-foot-tall, 11-time All-Star against Shaq last week, am I right? Couldn't have hurt, could it?" Robinson's obsession may have reached a crisis point earlier this week when, after noticing Ewing's jersey hanging from the ceiling at Madison Square Garden, Robinson took possession of it and chased a seven-foot-tall man around New York City, eventually realizing he had apprehended a vacationing Dikembe Mutombo.
Jan Ullrich Feels He Can No Longer Trust Anyone With His Bags Of Blood #~# BERLIN—Sources close to Tour de France-winning cyclist Jan Ullrich said Monday that the retired champion is beginning to feel that plastic bags of his blood may not be safe in the hands of anyone but himself after Spanish authorities found several of Ullrich's blood bags in the office of an infamous Spanish doping doctor. "Even long after I retire, sacks of my blood are still turning up in the strangest places," Ullrich, the only German to ever win the Tour, reportedly said to business associates. "You think your blood bags are safe with someone, and the next thing you know, aha! There it is in some Madrid refrigerator. Do I trust myself to people too easily, do you think?" Authorities in possession of the blood would not speculate on its origin, but photos posted on the Velo News website seem to show the inscription "To Lance And Sheryl, Best Wishes, Jan XOXO" on the seal of one bag.
Area Man Would Put That Meeting In His Top 5 All Time #~# RICHMOND, VA—Trent Wilson, an executive brand strategist for the R&W Agency, characterized his company's staff-wide meeting Monday as "easily in [his] top five all time." "The agenda was followed to a T, all personal anecdotes were discussed before the meeting's 8:30 [a.m.] start, and [Ed] Kofsky was in a good mood," said the 32-year-old Wilson, adding that if there had been enough low-fat cream cheese, the meeting would have easily made it into his top three. "To see colleagues from so many departments being brought up to speed on so many different corporate initiatives and exciting new accounts-—it was really something special." According to Wilson, the highlight of the meeting was the agency president's unusually concise 20-minute opening remarks, some of which she did not read directly from her PowerPoint slides.
Great Recent Stories From Less-Popular Sports #~# Not every sport is as renowned as baseball or as popular as soccer, but every sport has its great moments. Onion Sports recaps some of the best recent stories from some less-popular sports:
China Bans Human Organ Trafficking #~# Amid allegations that they are harvesting the organs of executed prisoners, China is banning the sale of human organs starting May 1. What do you think?
Men, Boys Separated #~# CORNING, KS—The male population of a Kansas town was effectively separated into categorically distinct groupings by displaying either bravery or cowardice during a devastating F4 tornado that tore through the tiny community Wednesday, authorities reported. 
The Sibley Guide To Birds Has Clearly Misidentified The Dark-Eyed Junco #~# I don't understand it. How could it have happened a third time? They've had two opportunities to correct it. But there it is, once again. The Sibley Guide To Birds, third printing, page 488: "The dark-eyed junco, a familiar visitor to wintertime bird feeders throughout much of North America, is a species of the junco genus of American finches."  
Mammograms #~# With the highly publicized return of Elizabeth Edwards' breast cancer, American women are being encouraged to take the precautions necessary to detect the disease early, including yearly mammograms. Here are a few tips that should make getting your mammogram easier: 
I Never Talk On The First Date #~# People are so impatient nowadays. Everyone's rushing to find someone, get married, settle down, and have kids. Call me old- fashioned, but I believe in taking things slow. That's why I never talk on the first date. Or on the second or third date, if I can help it.
U.S. Counter-Counterterrorism Unit Successfully Destroys Washington Monument #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Department of Homeland Security announced Monday that its Counter-Counterterrorism Unit successfully carried out its largest and most complex anti-anti-terror exercise to date, destroying the Washington Monument in a massive explosion that left 122 dead, dozens more injured, and the area around the National Mall a chaotic scene of smoke and debris.
Imus Suspended For 2 Weeks #~# After radio host Don Imus referred to the Rutgers University women's basketball team as "nappy-headed hos" on his radio show, CBS suspended him for two weeks. What do you think?
U.S. Asks Africa Not To Cash Aid Checks Until After Tax Day #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr. urged leaders of all African nations receiving U.S. aid to "hold off" on cashing their humanitarian aid checks until after April 17, when the U.S. government is expecting "a whole bunch of money to come in" from 2006 tax returns.
Girls Gone Wild Creator Ordered To Jail #~# Joe Francis, the man who created the Girls Gone Wild home-video franchise, has been ordered to jail for failing to appear in court for a hearing. What do you think?
Circuit City Cuts 3,400 "Overpaid" Workers #~# Electronics retailer Circuit City recently fired over 3,400 workers, stating that they were going to replace them with new hires willing to work for less.  What do you think?
10 Million Fans Killed Off In Sopranos Season Premiere #~# NEW YORK—The writers of the HBO series The Sopranos took another daring storytelling step by killing off 10 million fans during the seventh season's premiere episode Sunday night.
Democrats Demand Inquiry Into How They're Doing So Far #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Democrats in both houses of Congress demanded a thorough inquiry Monday into whether or not the American people think they are doing a good enough job, and what, if anything, they should do differently. 
'Most E-Mailed' List Tearing New York Times' Newsroom Apart #~# NEW YORK—A feature on the New York Times' website that lists the stories most e-mailed by readers is destroying morale and escalating tensions among the once-dignified and professional Times staff, sources within the newspaper of record said Tuesday.
Strip Poker Ends Solemnly With Scar Explanation #~# CONRAD, MT—The laughter and giddy sexual tension that typically accompanies a game of strip poker ended abruptly Monday after player Sarah Garrison removed her shirt and revealed a vicious scar that prompted innocent yet ill-advised questioning from the three other participants.
Iran Releases British Sailors #~# Iran released 15 sailors it had held captive for nearly two weeks, claiming they had entered Iranian waters. What do you think?
Area Man Just Wants To Throw One Good Punch In His Life #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Claiming that it is "something every man deserves to do once," local resident Carl Hilland, 32, told reporters Monday that, before he dies, he would like to throw a good, clean punch to somebody's face.
Press Conference Reveals David Ortiz Clearly Doesn't Know Who Jackie Robinson Is #~# BOSTON—David Ortiz's halting, stammered response to a question regarding baseball legend Jackie Robinson directed to him in a clubhouse press conference Tuesday demonstrated that the designated hitter clearly has no idea who Robinson was or what he was talking about. "Oh, yeah, I know that guy. We played ball together, you know, couple years, when we were both younger. How's he doing, anyway?" Ortiz said, dismissively, eliciting puzzled murmurs from the assembled reporters. "Jack played some good ball. Man was always a lot of fun to be around." When reporters attempted to bail Ortiz out by asking leading questions concerning the many barriers Robinson broke, Ortiz responded by saying he had heard the news, that he certainly hoped Robinson would be okay, and that Jackie should not have been driving drunk in the first place.
NCAA Tournament Intensifies As Florida Advances To Round Of One #~# ATLANTA—The NCAA tournament field narrowed a little further—and became much more intense—on Monday night as the University of Florida tallied a convincing 84-75 victory over Ohio State University to advance further into college basketball's championship, making 2007 the second time in as many years that Florida has reached the NCAA Tournament's Round Of One.
Argentina Reclaiming Falklands #~# Argentina is reasserting its claim to the Falkland Islands from England. What do you think?
Potential New Cubs Owners #~# Now that the Tribune Co. is selling the fabled Cubs franchise, rumors of potential new owners are swirling throughout baseball. Onion Sports looks at the most likely candidates:
Pirates Player Keeps Asking Fans If They Saw His Double #~# HOUSTON—After an opening day double off Astros closer Brad Lidge, elated Pirates third-basemen Jose Bautista was observed repeatedly asking fans in attendance if they had seen his "awesome hit." "You guys got a chance to see it, right? You weren't in here the whole time, were you?" Bautista  asked a line of men waiting to use a Minute Maid Park restroom immediately after the game concluded. "I just crushed that thing. Then I ran as fast as I could all the way to second." Concerned that fans outside the stadium couldn't fully appreciate the scene, Bautista then headed over to the nearby Texas Barbecue Grill to make sure the game had been on the TV, only to find the bar had emptied as soon as patrons heard the sound of approaching cleats.
Little Leaguer Admits It Would Be 'Pretty Cool' To Kill Someone With Line Drive #~# BEDFORD, NH—Amidst consideration of new safety regulations that would ban the use of aluminum bats in Little League competition, a small but outspoken minority of players including Bedford's Jeff Priest are fascinated by the prospect of taking another player's life with a well-hit baseball. "Sure, it'd be tragic, and I'd hate for it to happen to me or anyone I know, " said Priest, thoughtfully running his hands over the aluminum bat he used last season, "but to see, say, the pitcher go down for good after your batted ball hit him in the head, or maybe right above his heart… I just think it's something you'd never forget is all." Priest's teammates generally agreed that the experience would be "pretty cool," but declined his subsequent invitation to throw him some batting practice.
Trey Wingo Apologizes For Accidentally Calling Champion Lady Vols 'Pat Summitt's Marauding Army Of Monstrous Lesbians' #~# CLEVELAND, OH—ESPN broadcaster Trey Wingo said "a slip of the tongue" was to blame for an incident in which he referred to the Tennessee Lady Volunteers in less than flattering terms during their 59-46 victory over Rutgers Tuesday night. "It was an honest, if disastrous, mistake—I was just fumbling for something to say so I didn't repeat 'Lady Vols' one more time, and somehow the thing about the lesbian army just came out," said Wingo, who has offered to perform any public or private act of contrition the Lady Vols required of him. "They worked so hard to get here and played so well when they did, and then I had to go and embarrass the whole lumbering herd of ungainly she-oxen in front of a national audience… Goddamn it!" Wingo's broadcast partners Kara Lawson and Stacey Dales, both former college basketball players themselves, assured ESPN viewers that Wingo was neither a homophobe nor a misogynist and that they themselves had often made similar mistakes.
High School Production Of Our Town Features Line Memorization #~# MORGANTOWN, WV—Surprised audience members reported Sunday that Morgantown High School's production of Thornton Wilder's Pulitzer Prize–winning play Our Town features line memorization, a marked change from last year's staging of Guys And Dolls.
Christ Getting In Shape For Second Coming #~# HEAVEN—Emerging from a grueling 90 minutes of cardiovascular exercise and light lifting for tone, Son of God Jesus Christ said Monday that He is "definitely on track" to achieve peak fitness condition for the Second Coming.  
Area Man Has Sex With Man To Get Out Of Office Blood Drive #~# ABBEVILLE, GA—In an effort to devise a plausible reason to excuse himself from an office-wide blood donation drive this Friday, systems specialist Brett Karns, 32, reporterdly engaged in unprotected sex with another man last weekend.
Everyday Customers Mistaken For Terrorists #~# Recently, there has been a rash of incidents wherein ordinary people are being denied services, such as flights or car rentals, because they share the names of known or suspected terrorists. Here are some people who are being affected:
In The Ten Commandments, I Performed All My Own Miracles #~# Whenever people talk about The Ten Commandments, a film I made 50 years ago with a fellow named Cecil B. DeMille, they go on and on about the impressive "special effects." So let me take this opportunity to set the record straight: I performed all my own miracles in that picture, so if you're going to praise someone, it should be me.
There's Only Room At This Party For One Guy Named Skeeter #~# Hey, you. In the hat. I just heard some dudes calling you Skeeter, and I saw you respond to them. That's some bullshit. As soon and you and me are done here, you better go set them straight. 'Cause I'm Skeeter.
Naked Chocolate Jesus Nixed #~# A Manhattan art gallery scrapped its plans to exhibit a naked chocolate Jesus in the week preceding Easter, causing the gallery's artistic director to resign. What do you think? 
Hillary Raises $26 M #~# Hillary Clinton raised $26 million for the first quarter of 2007, in addition to the $10 million left over from her Senate run. What do you think?
Senator Forms Subcommittee For The Watching Of Lost #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL) announced the formation of a new Senate subcommittee for the Watching of Lost and appointed himself its chair Monday.
Bush Refuses To Set Timetable For Withdrawal Of Head From White House Banister #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Though critics have argued that he does not understand the futility of his current situation, President Bush announced today that he has no plans to remove his head from its current position: wedged painfully between two balusters on a White House staircase.
New SAT Section Tests Ability To Pay Tuition #~# PRINCETON, NJ—The Educational Testing Service, developer of the Scholastic Aptitude Test, is creating a new section on the standardized college-entry test that for the first time addresses a crucial facet of students' capabilities: their family's potential to make full tuition payments.
U.N. Urges Circumcision To Fight HIV #~# Citing studies that say that circumcision can cut the chances of contracting HIV by up to 60 percent, United Nations health agencies are urging heterosexual males to undergo the procedure. What do you think?
April 4, 1965 #~# One Million Teen-Age Girls Stricken In Beatlenemia Epidemic
Venezuelans Protest TV-Station Closure #~# Venezuelan protesters took to the streets of Caracas after the Chavez government closed the popular-but-Chavez-critical television station Radio Caracas Television. What do you think?
Buttery Goodness Now America's Top Domestic Product #~# WASHINGTON, DC—New data from the U.S. Commerce Department show that rich, buttery goodness beat out automobiles, timber, and crispety-crunchitiness as the country's most valuable commodity in fiscal year 2006.  "Soaring demand among consumers for the melt- in-your-mouth sensation of buttery goodness, combined with increasing production efficiency, meant that more then 32 million tons were manufactured and consumed last year," said Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez, who noted that sales of chewy, double-stuffed deliciousness stagnated in this same period due to inflation and regional shortages of cream filling. Domestic orders for farm machinery, icy-cool mint, and computer components also fell last year.
Kobe Bryant Demanding Things Again #~# LOS ANGELES—Although Kobe Bryant is withholding comment on whether or not he recently demanded to be traded from the Lakers, the star forward demanded many other things Monday. "I demand that Jerry West be put in charge of player personnel, that my jersey be retired while I am still active yet I be allowed to continue wearing it, that someone get me another VitaminWater, and that I get Shaquille O'Neal back," Kobe told reporters, fans, and Lakers front-office employees at the Staples Center. "Not that the Lakers get Shaq back, but me. I also demand to be inducted into the Hall of Fame at the end of the season; a deal for my own shoe with Nike, Reebok, Adidas, and Starbury; and that everyone love me. Now." Representatives of the Lakers, the Hall of Fame, Shaquille O'Neal, the major shoe companies, and VitaminWater say they are working to meet Bryant's demands.
Ultimate Fighting Championship's Popularity #~# As Ultimate Fighting continues its phenomenal rise, Onion Sports runs down the most commonly cited reasons for the sport's popularity:
Teemu Selanne Practices Kissing Stanley Cup On Hand #~# ANAHEIM—Ducks forward and team scoring leader Teemu Selanne, who has not won a championship in his 16 NHL seasons, has been using his hand to practice kissing the Stanley Cup since his team won the first game of the Finals, sources close to the team report. "He began by hoisting a pretend Stanley Cup over his head, which was pretty normal," said Anaheim goalie Jean-Sebastien Giguere, who accidentally stumbled onto Selanne's tentative locker-room practice sessions Tuesday night when he returned to retrieve his forgotten car keys. "Then he sort of formed his hand into a Stanley Cup-like shape, closed his eyes, and sort of brushed his lips on it gingerly. It was rather awkward." Giguere said his offer to loan Selanne his homemade aluminum-foil kissing-practice cup was rebuffed by Selanne as "just sad."
Nation To Ken Griffey Jr.: 'We Wish It Were You Hitting 756 Home Runs' #~# CINCINNATI—Overcome with a mixture of distaste at the almost certain future and a wistful sense at the way things could and should have been, baseball fans across America took time to address veteran Reds superstar Ken Griffey Jr. yesterday in order to let him know that they sincerely wish that Griffey, and not Barry Bonds, was on the verge of hitting his record-breaking 756th home run.
Cleveland Sportswriter Compares LeBron James To Craig Ehlo #~# CLEVELAND—Plain Dealer columnist Brandon Long, attempting to grade the playoff performance of Cavaliers forward LeBron James in terms his readers would understand, made extensive comparisons between the league's top young player and former Cavs forward Craig Ehlo. "Some may say Craig Ehlo would not have allowed the Pistons to get inside his head, take him out of the game, and limit his scoring in the third quarter," Long's Tuesday column read in part. "Only the most die-hard Cavs fans would deny that James has Ehlo beat in terms of pure talent. I'm going to have to give it to James this time." Long is expecting to be inundated with reader mail after claiming that James, unlike Ehlo, will most likely not exit the playoffs by having Michael Jordan shoot a series-clinching jumper over him.
Brian Cashman Saves Job With Eight Shutout Innings #~# NEW YORK—As Brian Cashman watched another Yankees starting pitcher struggle during the first inning during Tuesday's game against the Blue Jays, the embattled general manager found himself unable to endure the tension any further, ripped off his tie and Oxford shirt to reveal a No. 99 Yankees jersey, and stormed onto the field to pitch eight scoreless innings. "The amazing thing is that besides Mr. Cashman having absolutely no playing experience, he didn't even warm up," Yankees pitching coach Ron Guidry said during a post-game press conference. "He wanted to go the whole game, and sure, I got booed when I pulled him, but I could see him losing a little edge on his curve[ball] around his 100th pitch and we need to save his arm for the rest of the season." Though Cashman's stellar performance received praise and admiration from Yankees fans, it was overshadowed in the national press by Washington GM Jim Bowden's complete game one-hitter.
MySpace Outage Leaves Millions Friendless #~# BEVERLY HILLS, CA—An estimated 150 million people continued to be without social lives Tuesday as a massive system failure at MySpace.com entered its third day.
High School Student Whines His Way To 4.0 GPA #~# JAMESTOWN, VA—Jamestown High School senior and National Merit Scholar Jason Wagner successfully whined his way to a 4.0 GPA for the fourth year in a row, school sources reported Monday. 
I Believe In Evolution, Except For The Whole Triassic Period #~# I consider myself a rational person. When I have a question, I turn to science and logic to find the answer. Regarding the origins of life, science tells us that humans evolved from single-celled organisms to our current form through a process of natural selection that took billions of years. 
Season Finale Wrap-Up #~# The 2006–2007 TV season is over. In the event you couldn't watch them, here are some highlights from the season finales of your favorite shows. 
There's No More Reassuring Voice In Retirement Planning Than Dennis Hopper #~# There's no denying it anymore: I'm getting to that point in my life where I should start thinking seriously about my retirement. I'll be living on a fixed income, so careful management of my assets will be crucial. That's why Dennis Hopper's television spots for Ameriprise Financial are so reassuring. Retirement planning means a lot of decision making, and thank God I have the soothing presence of that amyl nitrite–huffing, obscenity-screaming, psychosexual lunatic from Blue Velvet to guide me through it.  
Iran, U.S. Hold Bilateral Talks #~# The United States and Iran held their first formal talks in 27 years in order to discuss the security of Iraq. What do you think?
Shark Gives Virgin Birth #~# A captive hammerhead shark recently gave birth to a pup without the presence of a male. What do you think?
Kentucky DMV Introduces Game Of Chicken To Driver's Test #~# LOUISVILLE, KY— The Kentucky Department of Motor Vehicles announced yesterday that the game of chicken will be added to the state's driver's-license road test, testing prospective motorists' ability to drive directly towards one another at an accelerating speed.
Supreme Court Reaches Landmark 'It Depends' Ruling #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark 8-1 decision, an uncharacteristically subdued Supreme Court ruled "it depends" in the case of Panetti v. Quarterman, leaving the issue of executing the mentally ill completely open-ended.
Wedding Videographer Clearly Shooting Side Project During Ceremony #~# FENTON, IL—Guests attending the marriage of Frank Herman and Lauren Holland reported Saturday that videographer Jesse Laske, a film-school graduate who has spent the last three years professionally videotaping weddings, spent an inordinate amount of time obtaining close-up shots of elderly guests' hands.
Memorial Day Celebrations #~# Today is Memorial Day. How will you be celebrating it?
In Need Of Dedication, Yearbook Staff Sacrifices Homecoming King #~# ALBANY, NY—As their deadline drew near and they realized they still lacked an event significant enough to inspire a moving yearbook dedication, the staff of Albany High School's The Annual decided to take action by brutally sacrificing star basketball forward and homecoming king Ryan Edwards last weekend, senior class officials reported Monday.
Amazing Medical Discovery To Add Years Of Fish-Oil Consumption To Man's Life #~# ORLAND, IN—Amazing new medical findings concerning the cholesterol-regulating properties of omega-3 fatty acids could offer Indiana resident Alex Kessler five to 10 more years of pouring fish oil on everything from salads to pasta or consuming it in capsule form.
Clinton Dropping Out Of Iowa? #~# An internal memo from from a Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign staffer urged her not to run in the Iowa caucus, stating that she would probably lose. What do you think?
Nation Mobilizes For Beautiful Weekend #~# NEW YORK—The nation's domestic forces are responding to the imminent arrival of pleasant weekend weather conditions by launching the largest coordinated surge on America's outdoor recreation destinations in recent history, sources reported Thursday.
Roger Goodell Tightens Code Of Conduct After NFL Players Break His Priceless Vase #~# JAMESTOWN, NY— NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced in a press conference yesterday that the NFL Code of Conduct would be tightened further after several NFL players blatantly disobeyed the league's long-standing policy of not playing ball in Goodell's house and broke his priceless flower-print Chinese porcelain vase—a family heirloom that had been passed down from generation to generation of Goodells and which Goodell counted among his most prized possessions.
Employee's Multitasking Doesn't Include Work #~# PHOENIX—Though 27-year-old paralegal Pete Gossling prides himself on his ability to efficiently accomplish numerous tasks at once, none of these activities is actual work, his coworkers said Tuesday. "It's amazing—he'll be carrying on eight IM conversations at once, keep six web browsers open to different YouTube clips, and still be able to forward e-mail after e-mail of jokes from his uncle," said legal secretary Jennifer Paige, adding that when Gossling is out of the office, he uses his PDA to compete in several online poker games simultaneously. "I've never once received a work-related e-mail from him or seen him working on a legal brief, however." Gossling admitted that he often overextends himself so much that work simply isn't possible.
Experts Predict Man Who Plays Once Every Five Days Probably Won't Save Team #~# NEW YORK—Several leading baseball experts sent shockwaves throughout the sport Monday, making the bold—and some say outlandish—prediction that Roger Clemens, a 44-year-old man who will appear in a maximum of 130 of the 1,100 innings remaining in the Yankees' season, may not in fact be able to single-handedly vault his sub-.500 team into first place. "I am going to go out on a limb and say that this player who will perform in approximately 20 games for the rest of the year will, at the absolute most, have a positive impact on roughly 20 games," said ESPN's Rob Neyer, turning the sports world on its head. "Of course, there is always the possibility that several other Yankee pitchers and position players may begin improving in a manner coinciding with Roger Clemens' return, allowing the team to perform at a higher caliber on a daily basis and give the illusion that a man who plays once a week has saved the team. This would simply be happenstance." Some experts, however, disagree with Neyer's analysis, as New York Post columnist Joel Sherman recently claimed that Clemens will "win 30 games, mold [rookie starter] Tyler Clippard into a young Roger Clemens within a week, bat over .300 with 20-plus home runs, and make everything all better."
LeBron James Struggles To Name One Cavalier Aside From Himself #~# CLEVELAND—During a press conference following the first game of the Eastern Conference Semifinals, Cleveland Cavaliers star forward LeBron James requested that reporters give him "just a second" as he struggled to name a single player on his team aside from himself. "Well, um, let's see, they got… LeBron James, so that's one," said James, extending his thumb to represent the number of players he had named thus far.  "What about Carlos Boozer? He's still on the Cavs, right? Yeah, Carlos has been doing great." After talking with teammate Zydrunas Ilgauskas later that night about their heartbreaking loss, James said his biggest regret was that he might never get to see "that nice man" ever again.
Period Suppression Pill OK'd #~# The FDA approved Lybrel, a birth control pill that stops the monthly menstrual cycle altogether. What do you think?
WNBA Apparently Giving It Another Shot #~# SACRAMENTO—Sports fans nationwide reported feelings of surprise, amusement, and grudging admiration after discovering that the Detroit Shock and Sacramento Monarchs of the Women's National Basketball Association met Saturday in what seems to be the first game of the WNBA's 11th season. "Hey, if these ladies want to try and go for it one more time, more power to them," said basketball fan Theresa Jacobsen, who came across an advertisement for the game while checking ESPN for news of the basketball playoffs. "You really have to respect their persistence, going out every year like this no matter what." Details such as the final score of the Shock–Monarchs game, the times and locations of other WNBA games, or the names and locations of other WNBA teams, were unknown as of press time.
Women In Motorsports #~# In honor of this year's Indy 500, the first to feature three female drivers, Onion Sports looks at some other great moments for women in motorsports history:
Carl Lewis, Michael Johnson Argue Over Who Has To Wear Back End Of Curlin Costume For Belmont Stakes #~# BALTIMORE—During the cool-down lap that followed "Curlin's" victory celebration immediately after the supposed three-year-old won the Belmont Stakes, loud arguing could be heard coming from inside the horse costume as veteran sprinters Carl Lewis and Michael Johnson discussed which man would pose as the rear of the 5-to-3 favorite in the upcoming Belmont stakes. "Man, I was the damn butt-end this time. It's no picnic running behind your washed-up ass, you know? Next time I get to be out front and you get to be whupped on the shoulders," said a voice presumed to be that of world-record holder Johnson. "Hell no, man, no way I'm pushing no slow little dude all the way around Belmont, you hear me? We won with me in front and we're winning with me in front next month, so you best just get used to it back there," said a voice sounding much like that of Olympic legend Lewis. Although it seems unlikely jockey Robby Alborado could have avoided hearing the argument occurring within his "colt," witnesses say Alborado merely stared unblinkingly ahead through the exchange, squirming slightly.
Dog Breeders Issue Massive Recall Of '07 Pugs #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Citing centuries of quality- control issues that have resulted in chronic unreliability, cascading system failures, and even total unit shutdown, the American Pug Breeders Association announced a recall Monday of all pugs produced between February 2006 and the present day.
Study: 38 Percent Of People Not Actually Entitled To Their Opinion #~# CHICAGO—In a surprising refutation of the conventional wisdom on opinion entitlement, a study conducted by the University of Chicago's School for Behavioral Science concluded that more than one-third of the U.S. population is neither entitled nor qualified to have opinions.
Bush's New 'War Czar' #~# President Bush has appointed Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute as "war czar." What will Lute's duties entail?
Jesus Is My Health Insurance #~# I tell you, people these days have lost their faith. Everybody’s turning to the television or drugs or the government to solve their problems, when they should be trusting in the Lord.
If Wanting To See Vaginas Is A Crime, Then I, Your Honor, Am Guilty #~# I stand before you today accused of wrongdoing, with my reputation called into question before the entire community. But in truth, I am no more guilty of a crime than any other man in this courtroom.
Trump Quits The Apprentice #~# Donald Trump, host of the low-rated NBC television series The Apprentice, says he quit abruptly before the network could bump him from the schedule. What do you think?
Guinness Forced To Recognize Bigger Record Book #~# LONDON—Once thought to be the most definitive reference of its kind, Guinness World Records was forced to formally recognize The Ultimate Book of World Records as the world's largest collection of exceptional human achievements and natural phenomena, its publishers announced Tuesday.
Carter Blasts Bush's Foreign Policy #~# In an interview with the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, former President Jimmy Carter referred to the Bush administration's foreign policy as the "worst in history." What do you think?
Modern-Day Martin Luther Nails 95 Comment Cards To IHOP Door #~# SIOUX FALLS, SD—Managers of an area International House of Pancakes discovered 95 comment cards nailed to its front door Sunday, which were later identified as the work of local resident Ronald Lyman, a 53-year-old contractor and onetime regular customer who is calling for wide-scale reform of the venerable chain.
Area Man Somehow Roped Into Arguing Passionately For Green Day #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Though he admitted he hasn't listened to the band in 10 years, tech-support specialist Jonathan Meagher, 25, somehow found himself defending Green Day while slightly intoxicated at a local bar Saturday. 
Couric's Ratings Woes #~# Eight months after Katie Couric took over as anchor, The CBS Evening News is a distant third in the nightly news ratings, and last week recorded its lowest audience in 20 years. What do you think?
Elie Wiesel Mortified After Rereading Night #~# BOSTON—Nobel Peace Prize winner and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel said in an interview Monday that he recently revisited his debut work, Night, nearly 50 years after its publication and was “absolutely horrified” at the amateurish quality of the memoir.
Romney: 'Double Guantanamo' #~# In a Republican presidential debate on Tuesday, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney said he would support doubling the detention facilities in Guantánamo. What do you think?
Rhetorical Pleasantry Elicits 45-Minute Response #~# OMAHA, NE—A casual greeting, delivered offhandedly by operations consultant Adam Harding, 27, triggered a 45-minute response from 32-year-old executive assistant Peter Sullivan on Monday.
Idaho Legislature Declares English Only Language They Know #~# BOISE, ID—The Idaho Legislature passed a unanimous resolution Monday declaring English the only language the elected assembly knows how to speak, write, or understand. "We're putting into law a general feeling that everyone here has had for years: English is the only language we know, and English is the only language we want to know," Lt. Gov. James E. Risch said during a press conference outside the State Capitol building. "It's a good language, serves us well in matters of communication, and we can't think of any good reason to go around knowing some other language that we have no use for." The legislature is expected to pass a separate resolution later this week officially declaring out-of-towners "suspicious."
Bob Costas: Dogfights At Vick's House 'Some Of The Best Dogfights I Have Ever Seen' #~# ATLANTA—While controversy continues regarding Michael Vick's possible involvement in dogfights held at a Smithfield, GA property owned by the quarterback, NBC sportscaster Bob Costas has made his opinion of the events known, saying the dog-fighting in question was some of the best he had ever personally witnessed. "Truly high-caliber dog-fighting has nearly become extinct in this country, and it's becoming unusual to see the kind of devotion to the sport that was displayed at Vick's pit," Costas said Monday. "I mean, the pit he owned. He may not have actually been at the extremely riveting, thrill-a-minute canine fights to the death that it was my pleasure—no, my great privilege—to attend." Costas has often criticized the recent decline in quality of the illegal death sport, saying dog-fighting has become "shameless in its pandering to the worst echelon of sports fanhood" and "has sunk nearly as low as boxing."
New Michael Vick Revelations #~# The discovery of a dogfighting ring in a house owned by Michael Vick has led to speculation of what other secrets the Falcons quarterback might be hiding. Onion Sports runs down the potentially damaging sights that frequent visitors to Vick's mansion have reported witnessing 
Rated R For Smoking #~# The Motion Picture Association of America has announced that smoking will now be a consideration when determining a film's rating. What do you think?
MLB Announces Acceptable 2007 World Series Matchups #~# MILWAUKEE—Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced the acceptable matchups for the 2007 World Series yesterday, insisting that the Fall Classic would exclusively feature one of six interesting, crowd-please scenarios. "Yankees-Cubs, Red Sox-Cubs, Yankees-Dodgers, Red Sox-Dodgers, Red Sox-Mets," Selig said, noting that, in addition, any underdog team from the National League is acceptable as long as they play against the Yankees or Red Sox. "Tigers-Mets will be allowed with the provision that Kenny Rogers does something illegal, but under no circumstance will the Cardinals be allowed to repeat." Selig added that Yankees-Mets and White Sox-Cubs are no longer an option, as those types of monumental, once-in-a-lifetime match ups have forever been ruined by interleague play.
Brett Favre Demands Trade To 1996 Packers #~# GREEN BAY—Three-time MVP and undisputed future Hall of Fame quarterback Brett Favre, disappointed with the Packers' refusal to aggressively pursue receiver Randy Moss and frustrated with his team's apparent indifference to making immediate improvements on offense, is demanding a trade to the team he feels will give him the best shot at winning a last Super Bowl ring before his retirement: the 1996 Green Bay Packers.
Mothers Lose 10th Annual MLB Mother's Day Game 24-2 #~# COOPERSTOWN—Mothers of current major-leaguers lost their 10th consecutive Mother's Day game by a score of 24-2 Sunday, the most resounding win by MLB players in the yearly matchup since 1999. "My mom and I haven't gotten together in a quite while, so it was so nice to see her, especially when I blew a 95 mph fastball past her to win the game," Josh Beckett said following the game, in which he recorded 13 strikeouts and one walk. "We always go easy on them, but when A-Rod's mom was showboating after she hit a double in the sixth, I had to plunk her the next time she got up. Just a part of the game." Though the mothers' team put up subpar numbers, Mrs. Weaver's solid seven-inning pitching performance caught the attention of Mariners' GM Bill Bavasi, who is reportedly considering her as a possible replacement for struggling starter Jeff Weaver.
NBA Referees Turn Off 'Goaltending,' 'Out-Of-Bounds,' Turn On 'Unlimited Turbo' For Conference Finals #~# NEW YORK—In addition to their decision to allow goaltending and out- of-bounds for the duration of this year's NBA Conference Finals, NBA referees announced yesterday that players will also be permitted to use their Unlimited Turbo option, a feature that allows them to deliver high-powered defensive shoves, makes it so they never have to expend any energy, and gives them the ability to perform helicopter- style dunks from as far back as the half-court line at all times without waiting to power up. "We're really going to go with a 'let them play' approach this year—for instance, to open things up a little more, all games will be two-on-two, players will be officially 'On Fire' after making three shots in a row, and in the event the Bulls or Suns advance, they will be allowed to play alongside their respective mascots," said NBA referee Dick Bavetta, adding that players will also be given the option to let their heads expand to many times their usual size and to play alongside former U.S. president Bill Clinton. "This is going to be a pretty fun and addictive conference finals." NBA analyst Steven A. Smith stated that Cleveland's tandem of Mark Price and Brad Daugherty "doesn't stand a chance" against Detroit's Isiah Thomas and Bill Laimbeer.
Report: Only 7 Band Names Remaining #~# NEW YORK—According to data released Monday by the International Registry of Rock Band Names, only seven of the estimated 518 million potential names for musical acts remain available. "Following the selection of 'The Stripped Amygdaloids,' 'A Purple Spray Of Cloth Violets,' and 'Guestowel' this past weekend, it is essential that new bands pick a name as soon as possible," read a statement on the organization's website. "Bands that wish to form after all names have been taken will be have to wait until a name becomes available, which could take anywhere from 10 minutes to 30 years." While a MySpace page was created late Monday under the title Whiteboard Ether, one of the few band names left, the IRRBN has not yet confirmed whether the group has actually played any gigs.
Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Scientists at Hallmark Cards' Center for the Research and Development of Sentiments announced Monday that they had discovered three previously unknown emotions that can be experienced by human beings and captured on a folded piece of card stock. 
Professor Sees Parallels Between Things, Other Things #~# AUSTIN, TX—University of Texas professor Thom Windham once again furthered the cause of human inquiry in a class lecture Monday, as he continued his longtime practice of finding connections between things and other things, pointing out these parallels, and then elaborating on them in detail, campus sources reported.
Test-Driving The New Smartphones #~# If you're on the go, doing three shows a day at a marine park, it's hard to keep up with e-mail, and text messaging can be a real time-suck. Thankfully, with the prices of smartphones coming down, these all-in-one cell phone PDAs aren't just for business travelers anymore. Over the last week, I put three of the hottest models to the test to see how well they combine form, function, and aquatic versatility.
Why Was I Not Informed About Bruce Lee? #~# I am going to try to remain calm and keep in mind that you purport to be decent, rational people. As my parents and peers, you supposedly have my best interests at heart. But over the past 80 minutes, it has come to my attention that there exists a series of films featuring a man capable of the most unbridled and elegant awesomeness, a man capable of knocking a guy out with a punch started one inch away from his enemy's chest. That I somehow reached my twelfth year of life without anyone alerting me to this fact is beyond my comprehension and, ultimately, inexcusable.
Catholic Church Reconsiders Limbo #~# The Catholic Church has ruled that, contrary to previous church doctrine, unbaptized children do not spend time in limbo until the End of Days. Here are other doctrine decisions the church has made recently.
Televangelist Jerry Falwell Dead #~# Moral Majority founder Jerry Falwell died yesterday after being found unconscious in his office. What do you think?
Postal Rates Increase #~# The price of a stamp went up to 41 cents yesterday. What do you think?
Area Man Lives Vicariously Through Son's Bully #~# CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Mike Zerbe, 39, father of bullied son Timmy Zerbe, 8, expressed avid interest in the fighting stance and other qualities of 9-year-old playground tormentor Josh Kalish. 
Florida Crocs Make Nuclear Comeback #~# American crocodiles are making a comeback in Florida, thanks in large part to the protected canals surrounding the Turkey Point nuclear power plant. What do you think?
Dept. Of Evil: 'All Of You Must Die' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In the latest in a long series of ominous public pronouncements, the Department of Evil released a statement Monday demanding that all residents of the United States must die. 
Evening's Events Immediately Recapped With Digital-Camera Slide Show #~# DENVER—Family and friends attending a two-hour birthday dinner for 26-year-old Josh Kebbekus at The Cheesecake Factory yesterday concluded their meal by watching a slide show of themselves ordering drinks, talking, eating, and taking photos of one another. 
New Billionaire Tries To Develop Eccentricities #~# LA JOLLA, CA—Since several shrewd investments in software start-ups pushed his net worth over the $1 billion mark last fall, Mark Stern has been attempting to cultivate eccentricities commensurate with his new wealth, the venture capitalist said Monday.
Thirsty Mayor Drinks Town's Entire Water Supply #~# ARDMORE, OK—Saying he was "just really thirsty," Mayor Earl Moore apologized to his constituents Tuesday after drinking the entire 1.5-million-gallon water supply housed in the town's water tower.
Wal-Mart Fortune Left To Charity #~# The death of the Wal-Mart founder's widow, Helen Walton, is slated to become a $16.4 billion windfall for The Walton Family Foundation, a charitable organization that backs public education reform. What do you think? 
Prince William Fells Prince Willem-Alexander Of The Netherlands In Crucial Joust #~# CHELTENHAM, ENGLAND—In a resounding display of horsemanship, lancemanship, and puissance that marked both his first major tournament success and a great victory on the international stage for the British crown, the gallant English Prince William did mightily unseat Prince Willem- Alexander of the Netherlands in combat at the Cheltenham Jousts this Sunday week.
Extra-Slanty Italics Introduced For Extremely Important Words #~# NEW HOPE, MN—In an attempt to address writers' ever-growing word-emphasis needs, Minnesota-based Pica Foundry has developed a new, extra-slanty italic font, design director Jordan Soderblum announced Monday.  "When writing important words, authors too often bypass regular italics in favor of all capital letters, which not only look awkward but also disrupt the flow of the text," said Soderblum, whose new italics design is slanted at a more acute 60-degree angle instead of the normal 75. "We believe that the additional 15 degrees of slant will allow authors to create a much more intense and immediate reading experience."  Soderblum said that his design team is currently developing a demi-semibold typeface for writers who "kind of, but not really" want to accentuate subheadings.
Manny Ramirez Asks Red Sox If He Can Work From Home #~# BOSTON—Claiming that a relaxed atmosphere and a chance to create his own schedule would greatly benefit his productivity, Red Sox left-fielder Manny Ramirez has asked team officials if he can play the remainder of the season from the comfort of his own home. "My client just can't seem to focus in his current place of work," said Ramirez's agent Greg Genske, noting that Fenway Park's loud, boisterous atmosphere and high-stress, pressure-packed environment are "not ideal working conditions for anyone." "Manny seeks a work space where he doesn't have to constantly travel, can wear whatever he wants, and can work at his own pace. I assure you that he will be able to put up the same statistics he normally does while physically on a baseball diamond. Just give him until November or December." The Red Sox have tentatively agreed to allow Ramirez to telecommute, claiming that although their offense may suffer without him at the ballpark, their defense in a vacant left field may substantially improve.
Every NCAA Basketball Player Declares Eligibility For NBA Draft #~# NEW YORK—All 30,000 current NCAA men's basketball players, from those who play for Division I powerhouses such as Duke to such lesser-known basketball programs as that of Allegheny County Community College, announced Monday that they were declaring their eligibility for the June 28 NBA Draft. "I figured, well, why not?" said Joshua Ward, a 5'10" sophomore from Eastern Wyoming College. "It can't hurt. Even if I don't get picked, I've never been to New York City, let alone [2007 draft site] Madison Square Garden." NBA Commissioner David Stern remarked Tuesday that he wasn't aware this many kids wanted to become professional basketball players, and as a result was considering creating 3,000 expansion teams for the 2007-08 season.
A.J. Burnett Blames Poor Outing On Stupid Good Hitters #~# CLEVELAND—After giving up seven earned runs over just five innings against the Indians Tuesday, Blue Jays starter A.J. Burnett told reporters that his ineffectiveness on the mound could be attributed to "the stupid good hitters on the other team who kept hitting all my pitches." "Stupid good hitters, always hitting home runs," said Burnett, responding to a question about his inability to locate the curveball. "I was throwing the ball real fast, but it's like they couldn't miss. Every single guy, too, not just the good ones. Ooh, they think they're so great, getting doubles and triples and RBIs. Stupid bunch of jerks." Burnett added, however, that he would have fared better if his dumb defense could ever catch a ball for once in their lives.
Kid Buys Tiger Woods Golf Shoes Thinking It Will Make Him Chip And Putt Better #~# ORLANDO, FL—James McGrath, 10, had his mother purchase the Nike SP-8 TW golf shoe at Dicks Sporting Goods Tuesday in the hopes that wearing the same shoes as Tiger Woods will allow McGrath to chip and putt just like the world's top-ranked golfer.  "These are going to make all the difference," said the beaming McGrath, who has practiced his short game approximately 50,000 fewer hours than Woods, said of the shoes. "When I get my mom to buy me the hats, the shirts, the balls, and that putter he uses, I'll be sinking every single putt I hit." According to geneticist Dr. Harold Freeman, McGrath's recent purchase will aid little in his efforts to play golf as well as the 12-time major champion, as both of McGrath's parents are English professors and have never made one sports team on either the professional or amateur level.
Chris Berman's Nicknames Becoming More Obscure After Taking Night Course In Russian Literature #~# BRISTOL, CT—Longtime ESPN favorite Chris Berman, known throughout sports fandom for his enthusiastic narration of highlights and his practice of giving colorful nicknames to athletes, has come under scrutiny since enrolling in a Russian Literature course at a local community college led to his commentary becoming increasingly hard to understand, ESPN sources report.
Earth-like Planet Discovered #~# Scientists have discovered an Earth-like planet orbiting a red dwarf star 20 light-years away. What do you think?
Famous Sports Superstitions #~# In addition to rigorous training and natural talent, top athletes have often credited their success to following pet rituals or superstitions. Onion Sports catalogs some of the most notable:
CBS To Release Own Version Of NBC's The Office #~# NEW YORK—Hoping to replicate the success of the Emmy-winning NBC show The Office, executives at CBS announced Monday that the network will adapt the highly rated comedy for CBS audiences.
Bush Has One Of Those Days Where He Feels Like 68 Percent Of People Hate Him #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In an East Room press conference Tuesday, President Bush told reporters that he had the "sneaking feeling" that 68 percent of the U.S. population hated his guts that day.
If Someone Wanted To Publish My Blog Entries For Money, I Wouldn't Say No #~# Let me make one thing clear right off the bat: I started my blog because I needed an outlet for my thoughts and feelings during the 2004 elections, not for the prestige and loyal readership it might bring me. I just needed a personal creative space where I could jot some things down that someone might be able to Google.
Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel Or Something To That Effect #~# Excuse me, beautiful, mind if I stand next to you and do some talking? I don't mean to intrude, but I couldn't help but notice that you were sitting all alone and enjoying yourself. There's just one problem: If you're here right now, then that means heaven must be missing an angel or something to that effect. Though I doubt anyone's noticed since there are so many angels up there anyway.
Queen Elizabeth II Visits U.S. #~# Queen Elizabeth II of England is visiting the United States for the fifth time in 50 years. What is on her itinerary?
Bush Rejects Iraq Funding Bill #~# On Tuesday, President Bush vetoed a congressional bill authorizing financing for the war in Iraq contingent on a timetable for troop withdrawal. What do you think?
Abstinence Education Doesn't Work #~# A government report ordered by Congress shows that abstinence-only education is ineffective. What do you think? 
White-On-White Violence Claims Life Of Accounts Receivable Supervisor #~# POYNETTE, WI—Foul play is suspected in the death of an accounts receivable supervisor for a regional office-supply company, sheriff’s deputies reported Tuesday.
Health Department Closes Perfectly Good Burrito Place #~# COLUMBUS, OH—The Columbus Health Department closed the Mexican fast food restaurant Burrito Max on Monday after it failed a routine inspection, completely neglecting to take into account  the fact that the popular, conveniently located establishment was a perfectly good burrito place that served kick-ass burritos at a totally cheap price.
June 29, 1919 #~# President Wilson Calls For Creation Of Useless World Governing Body
Gay Marriage Could Be Profitable #~# According to a report from the city's comptroller, New York City would stand to gain $142 million in the first three years of legalized gay marriage. What do you think?
New Sealy Mattress Recreates Feeling Of Falling Asleep On Bus #~# TRINITY, NC—Sealy, the company known for providing innovative sleep technology with its Posturepedic, TrueForm, and SpringFree mattresses, on Monday unveiled the Destination, a mattress designed to simulate the sensation of drifting off to sleep on a moving bus.
Construction Worker Still Hasn't Given Up On True Love #~# NEW YORK—Veteran New York City construction worker Lonnie Barbierri may, on the exterior, seem like the tough-guy type. But as any woman who has ever strolled past a building site where he was working can attest, under that rough exterior lies a sensitive side. No matter how busy he is, Barbierri always takes time to make sure the ladies know that he is interested, available, and ready for romance. And though he remains single after countless attempts to meet that special someone, Barbierri still believes that true love is within his grasp.
Professional Porn Sales Down #~# Sales and rentals of adult DVDs are down 30 percent due to the rise in homemade Internet porn. What do you think?
Curt Schilling To Start LiveBlogging From Mound #~# BOSTON—Curt Schilling announced Monday that, upon his eventual return from the disabled list, he will begin liveblogging from the pitcher's mound itself in an effort order to provide the most in-depth look yet into how a player thinks when he's on the field. "38pitches.com will be going live during my next start, providing my up-to-the-minute thoughts on pitch count, how my split is working, and descriptions of what the people behind home plate are wearing, hopefully as soon as July 4 against the Devil Rays," said Schilling, who showed up to the press conference with a laptop and a pair of glasses. "Now fans will know what's going through Curt Schilling's head when he's facing young slugger Elijah Dukes with a man on second and two outs in the fifth, not to mention what I think of the alleged threats he made on his wife's life. It's really a shame—well, I don't want to get ahead of myself. I guess you're just going to have to wait!  And while you're visiting 38pitches.com, be sure to check out 38studios.com, my video-game production company. And let's find a cure for ALS." When alerted that laptops would most likely not be permitted on the mound, Schilling mentioned the possibility of hiding a Blackberry in the rosin bag.
Asthmatic Child Tired Of Hearing List Of Famous Asthmatics #~# LEXINGTON, PA—Thirteen-year-old asthmatic Nate Bothman told reporters Monday that his mother's penchant for telling him about famous asthmatics is totally unnecessary, as he has already figured out that he can live a normal and fulfilling life with the respiratory ailment.
Player Feels Need To Clarify Comments After They're Received Poorly #~# MIAMI, FL—Upon learning that his post-game comments were reported in a manner that portrayed him as uncaring, selfish, and possibly insensitive, Marlins second-baseman Dan Uggla issued an immediate apology, saying "it was never my intention for these remarks to be met with an unfavorable response." "It is with great sorrow that I amend my previous statement with a heretofore nonexistent context in such a way that shifts the blame from myself to the reporter, whom I will now forgive in a magnanimous show of sportsmanship," Uggla said in a somber press conference Tuesday, during which he frowned and shook his head multiple times to convey remorse and understanding. "Also, I did not realize those particular words are offensive to that particular race of people, and I certainly didn't know that they meant that." Uggla is expected to further clarify certain comments made during his apology in a press conference tomorrow.
Player To Be Named Later Knows It's Him #~# ST. LOUIS—Following Monday's trade between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays involving several named individuals and a player to be named later, Double A Springfield Cardinals catcher Bryan Anderson revealed that he realizes the player to be named in the swap is him. "Come on, let's be honest—who else would it be?" Anderson said from in front of his newly empty locker, his fully packed equipment bag slung over his shoulder. "Everyone knows the Rays are looking for a young, cheap catching talent whose fate they can control for the next six years. In fact, I'd even bet my questionable status as a prospect was what got me onto the list of potential player matches, considering [the Devil Rays'] history of penny-pinching." Though Anderson was admittedly upset about the impending deal, he did concede it was better than being dealt for cash considerations.
Report: Kenny Mayne Incapable Of Carrying On A Normal Conversation #~# BRISTOL, CT—ESPN sources are confirming that longtime SportsCenter on-air personality Kenny Mayne is, as long suspected, completely incapable of speaking to his peers like a normal human being. "The way he acts while he's on camera? Well, he's exactly the same off it," Mayne's co-anchor John Buccigross said after another failed social interaction with Mayne. "Just now I asked him how he was doing, and he said 'Even with derogatory credit I could still get a loan for a new car, so I can't complain, although some say that's my job. In any case, I continue to be amused by the simplicity of this profession.' And he said it all in that monotone voice of his, too. I really feel sorry for the poor guy, but come on, he has to realize why it is he's so lonely." When asked for a response to the findings, Mayne found himself unable to comment in a meaningful fashion.
Biggest Busts In NBA Draft History #~# As the NBA Draft approaches, Onion Sports looks at some of the historic mistakes teams have made picking new talent:
Sports Unable To Heal Small Town Following Tragedy #~# MILL RUN, PA—In a town where residents are still in shock over last Sunday's brutal mass slaying, in which a mentally disturbed man shot 17 men, women, and children in Main Street's St. John The Baptist Church before turning his shotgun on himself, last night's County League baseball game against longtime rival Uniontown was completely ineffective in mending the hurt and despair felt by those in the area.
Bush: Maybe U.S. Military 'Just Not Very Good' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Departing from his usual hopeful rhetoric during a question-and-answer session with reporters in the White House Rose Garden, President Bush suggested Tuesday that the war in Iraq has not been successful because the nation's armed forces are "just not very good."
Wife's Needs Gross #~# EDINA, MN—Janice Fewless' sexual, emotional, and toiletry requirements are "really starting to get disgusting," her husband, Kenneth Fewless, told reporters Wednesday.
Combat Service Doubles Suicide Risk #~# A report in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health states that white men who served in combat in the U.S. armed forces are twice as likely to die by their own hands as non-veterans. What do you think? 
Ha! Ha! Ha! I Can’t Believe How Funny This Sitcom Is! #~# Ooh! Here comes the best show on television! I wonder what kind of hilarious antics these so-and-so's get into this week. Ooh! Ooh! Here comes the first line of the show. Oh goodness! The redheaded one just said she "ralphed!" I have never heard a more humorous utterance in all my life! 
Sicko Opens This Weekend #~# Sicko, Michael Moore's documentary attack on the American health care system, opens this weekend. What are some of the film's highlights?
Where Do Homosexuals Get All Their Energy? #~# Boy, am I beat. And it's not like I have some crazy life where I'm working three jobs and going to night school. No, I just have one job and a small apartment. I don't even have a pet to look after. Even so, it seems that no matter what I do, there's always more. If they put another eight hours in the day, I might be able to catch up on the laundry list of chores I have, or even just my laundry, if I were lucky. But you know who really gets it done? Homosexuals.
Dieting Doesn't Work #~# According to a comprehensive review of 31 long-term studies, scientists at the University of California say that dieting does not result in permanent weight loss. What do you think? 
Report: FBI Learns Of Plot To Download Old School #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Citing evidence culled from Internet and cellular phone chatter, the FBI announced Monday that they have "significant reason to believe" that, in the coming weeks, someone in the continental United States is planning to illegally download the 2003 film Old School. 
Fewer Boys Being Born #~# According to data gathered by the University of Pittsburgh, the number of male births has declined since 1970. What do you think?
Greenspan Comes Out Of Retirement For One More Interest Rate Hike #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Confirming a rumor that first appeared in March on the FDIC Fan Forum message board, former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan came out of retirement Tuesday to raise interest rates on federal funds by a quarter of a point.
James Gandolfini Shot By Closure-Seeking Fan #~# NEW YORK—Actor James Gandolfini, best known for his portrayal of mob kingpin Tony Soprano on the hit HBO show The Sopranos, was shot to death Tuesday in a Greenwich Village restaurant by a fan unable to accept the open-ended conclusion of the series finale that aired earlier this month.
Shitty Neighborhood Rallies Against Asshole Developer #~# CHICAGO—Residents of the Carney Gardens neighborhood on Chicago's South Side are opposing an effort by asshole real-estate developer Royce Messner to build a godawful $45 million strip mall and condominium complex in the crime-ridden shithole they call home.
Guy With Kids To Have More Kids #~# DAYTON, OH—Thirty-five-year-old guy Greg Hill, who already has a few kids, announced yesterday his intention to have more kids. "Suzy and I already have two boys and a girl, so we thought we'd try for another girl this time," said Hill, who also has a few other kids from a previous marriage. "I mean, we already got married and bought this house. This is what people do, right?" Hill added that he "can't wait" for his kids to have kids of their own, so he can have some grandkids. 
Cult Leader Pretty Cool, Actually #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—Despite accusations that Joshua Wyden is the dangerous and manipulative leader of a cult known as The Watchful Eye, a recent interview with the charismatic guru revealed that he is not such a bad guy, really, and in fact has a certain captivating energy about him that is both impressive and disarming.
June 23, 1939 #~# 1939 World’s Fair Portends Ghastly Future
White House Used Third Party Email #~# According to a report by the oversight committee, at least 88 White House staffers used outside e-mail accounts for official business, thus circumvent archival requirements. What do you think?
Bar Skanks Announce Plans To Kiss #~# COLUMBUS, OH—In an announcement that received wide attention throughout Wolverine's Tavern Tuesday, bar skanks Stephanie Fletcher and Jessica Keneally stated that they would share a passionate kiss at an unspecified time that evening.
Tiger Woods Continues Hitting Bucket Of Balls After Hearing Wife Has Gone Into Labor #~# ORLANDO—According to his personal caddy Steve Williams, after Tiger Woods was informed that his wife had gone into labor with their first child on Monday, the 12-time major champion acknowledged the news, calmly put down his cellular phone, and continued hitting the 60 or so golf balls he had remaining from a large bucket he purchased 20 minutes earlier. "Tiger felt that it was extremely important to work on shaping all kinds of shots for the upcoming British Open," Williams said, adding that, upon hearing that his wife's contractions were only seven minutes apart, Woods concentrated on methodically hitting pitches, high fades, and low draws. "I thought maybe he would cut his practice session a little short for once, but when he was done with the bucket of balls he told me to get his putter so he could work on eight-footers." After receiving another phone call saying that his wife had given birth to a baby girl, Woods reportedly said nothing for some time, eventually instructing Williams to get him another bucket of balls. 
Pac-Man Jones: 'I Will Be Nowhere Near Next Friday's Strip-Club Stabbing' #~# LOS ANGELES—Suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pac-Man" Jones called a press conference Tuesday in order to emphasize that he will be nowhere near a possibly fatal stabbing that will occur during a fight involving several members of his entourage and the bartender at an L.A.–area strip club this coming Friday.
Report: Another Baseball Team Almost Does Something As Interesting As Yankees, Red Sox #~# NOT BOSTON OR NEW YORK—Something nearly worth reporting occurred either Saturday or Sunday—although no written records of the event exist, analysts claim it was the same day the Yankees beat the Mets to take the Subway Series—when the Minnesota Twins squandered a large late-game lead to the Brewers, but then won the game when Jason [sic] Morneau hit a walkoff home run in a manner eerily reminiscent of Red Sox slugger David Ortiz. "Manny Ramirez has really started heating up at the plate as of late, and you know what that means—opposing pitchers had better watch out," ESPN's Sean McAdam said when asked about Corey Hart's eighth-inning homer that cut the Twins' lead to two. "But if the Yankees rotation stays healthy and Abreu keeps swinging a big stick, it will be a tight race down the stretch. Should be a fun summer." Prince Fielder, Torii Hunter, Jeff Suppan, and Joe Nathan were unavailable for comment, as they are not Derek Jeter, Curt Schilling, Johnny Damon, or Alex Rodriguez.
Gene Upshaw Hires Former Football Players To Rough Each Other Up #~# NEW YORK—Frustrated with trying to fulfill the needs of both the NFL Players' Association and retired players claiming they have been underrepresented, NFLPA Executive Director Gene Upshaw has resorted to offering several financially troubled former football players cash in exchange for making sure other former football players stop complaining to the press. "Okay, here's a grand—make sure that guy shuts his big yap about lousy pension benefits and inadequate health coverage," Upshaw reportedly told Chuck Bednarik and Joe DeLamielleure, both former NFL offensive linemen, about each other in separate conversations last week. "There's more money in it for you once I hear he's been convinced his post-concussion syndrome could be worse, see?" Upshaw refused to answer any questions regarding the strongarm practices, saying that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell would "disappear me in an eyeblink if I sang."
U.S. Lifts Embargo Against Palestine #~# The United States lifted sanctions against Palestine, and will resume sending aid to the country. What do you think?
Highlights Of The 2007 U.S. Open #~# With the power invested in him as honorary tournament chairman, Arnold Palmer declares himself the winner of the 2007 U.S. Open
Tim Duncan Delivers Heartfelt Speech On Fiscal Responsibility During Spurs Victory Celebration #~# SAN ANTONIO—Following a Spurs Sunday victory parade during which Tim Duncan regaled the crowd with uncharacteristically exuberant exclamations of "Thank you very much" and "Please, there's no need to make so much noise," the normally reserved power forward expressed his appreciation for his fans by speaking at length on the importance of being financially prepared in an increasingly uncertain world. "I can't tell you how much I value your support except through telling you it's not really enough to keep a little money in savings for a rainy day, never independently contributing to your 401(k) or considering simple CDs or mutual-funds," a misty-eyed Duncan said, using charts he drew up earlier in the season to demonstrate debt-to- savings ratios to the 12,000 fans who crowded the River Walk. "Your greatest equity will of course be in your home, but even then, careful consideration is required before choosing between fixed- or variable-rate mortgages, especially for the greatest fans in the world." Fans who stayed for the 90-minute speech said it was even better than the emotional plea Duncan made during the Spurs' 2003 championship celebration, in which he urged revelers to make sure they purchased adequate life insurance.
Addressing Climate Crisis, Bush Calls For Development Of National Air Conditioner #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised address reminiscent of President Kennedy's historic 1961 speech pledging to put a man on the moon, President Bush responded to the global warming crisis Monday by calling for the construction of a giant national air conditioner by the year 2015. 
Couple In Fed Standoff #~# Claiming that there is no law requiring them to pay taxes, well-armed New Hampshire couple Ed and Elaine Brown have vowed to die rather than surrender to a prison term. What do you think?
Open-Minded Music Lover Likes All Kinds Of Metal #~# LOGANSPORT, IN—Area music enthusiast Curt Webber, 22, is completely open to enjoying "all kinds" of metal, the self-described eclectic iconoclast said Monday. "Some people are so narrow-minded and uptight about music, but I'm into a wide variety of bands—everything from Sabbath to Disturbed," Webber said. "Whether it's the old stuff, like vintage Maiden or Priest; new stuff, like Mastodon or the Sword; the virtuosic neoclassicism of DragonForce; the unpolished rawness of, say, Motörhead; a multiplatinum band like the Crüe; an alternative act like Clutch; or just a local outfit like Soldiers of Carnage here in town—power metal, speed metal, glam metal, thrash metal, death metal, nü metal, metal-core, or even Norwegian black metal—it's all music to me, man." Webber conceded that the one musical style he simply cannot abide is rap metal.
Is This The Mattress Showroom From The Commercial? #~# Someone pinch me. Harder! Am I mistaken, or is this the mattress showroom made famous on all those TV commercials? If I stand right here and I turn my head from left to right, it should be just like I'm the camera in the "Memorial Day Spectacular" spot. Oh my God, it is! This is it. I'm really actually standing in the largest mattress showroom in the quad-county area.
Apple's New iPhone #~# Apple is set to release the much-hyped iPhone Friday, June 29. Here are some of its most highly anticipated features: 
Point/Counterpoint: We Have A Unique Opportunity To Change The World #~# When I sat down to write this speech, I thought a lot about what I had learned over the past four years. On the first day of classes, we were 106 different people—106 strangers who came from three separate grade schools all across Montrose County. Looking back, I am reminded of how little we had in common, other than matching lockers and a head full of questions about our future.
New Mexico Bans Cockfighting #~# New Mexico banned cockfighting last week, making Louisiana the only state where it remains legal. What do you think?
Barack Obama 'Tiger Beat' Cover Clinches Slumber Party Vote #~# WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Monday by Teen Zogby!, both Barack Obama's approval and dreaminess ratings among slumber party–attending tweens have risen to 82 percent following last week's publication of the Tiger Beat cover pictorial "Hangin' With Barack!"
After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack #~# SAN CLEMENTE, CA—Five years after settling in southern California and trying to blend into American society, a six-man terrorist cell connected to the militant Islamist organization Army of Martyrs has reportedly grown too complacent to conduct its suicide mission, an attack on the San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station. 
Half Of Nation Outraged At New, Not-Yet-Released Michael Moore Film #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Though the film isn't scheduled for release until June 29, a New York Times/CBS News poll found that nearly half the nation believes Michael Moore's new health care documentary Sicko is "unpatriotic," "disgusting," and "ill-informed." 
Harry Potter And The Bookstore Losses #~# Because of intense competition, most retailers will likely be selling the new Harry Potter book at cost or less in the first week of its release. What do you think?
Single Bee Sends Gathering Of Humans Into Helpless Panic #~# DALLAS—A western honeybee measuring barely one-quarter of an inch in length and weighing approximately .03 ounces triggered panic among a gathering of six fully-grown Homo sapiens during a picnic at Davis Park on Monday, witnesses reported.
Cracker Barrel Announces Plans To Build Another One Out By The Highway #~# ALDERWINE, MO—Cracker Barrel CEO Michael Woodhouse announced Tuesday that the restaurant and retail chain would expand to a new location out by Highway 18, near the Harmon Road turnoff.
Endangered Species List Edited To Fit Poster #~# WASHINGTON, DC—World Wildlife Fund president Carter S. Roberts said Monday that his organization was forced to pare down the list of endangered species so that it would fit on a three-by-two-foot poster to be distributed to schools and private donors. 
Google Blasted Over Privacy #~# Google, the popular search engine, is under fire for having the worst privacy practices on the web. What do you think?
Rafael Nadal Credits French Open Success To Living In A World Of Clay #~# MALLORCA, SPAIN—In a relaxed group interview given immediately following his record-tying third consecutive French Open victory, world No. 2-ranked tennis player Rafael Nadal attributed his astounding clay-court performance to staying focused, rising to the challenge of facing quality opponents such as Carlos Moyá and Roger Federer, and most importantly, to living a life revolving completely around clay.
Mike Brown Feels Cavs Are Being Outvictoried #~# CLEVELAND—Frustrated by the results of the first three NBA Finals games, Cavaliers head coach Mike Brown told reporters at a Tuesday press conference that his team has been losing simply because they're being "outvictoried." "Just look at the numbers—they're outwinning us, they're outdefeating us, they're outbettering us in every category," Brown said. "There's not much I can tell my team at this point, except that we can't be satisfied to outturnover and outfoul them because then we're going to outlose them as well." When asked how he felt about the Cavs being outscored in all three games, Brown claimed that he didn't understand the question.
10-Year-Old Asks Why Interleague Play Is Good #~# BELLINGHAM, WA—After watching his beloved Seattle Mariners prevail against the San Diego Padres, third-grader Timmy Hastert was moved to ask his father, 46-year-old insurance salesman Christopher Hastert, why interleague play is "good." "Well, it lets people see the teams they normally don't get to see all that often, I think is the point, there, buddy," Hastert said after beginning three different sentences in seven minutes.  "After all, without interleague play, we wouldn't get to see players like…like Brian Giles and Scott [Linebrink], would we? Although I think we play the Yankees and Red Sox less often as a result. Right? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how they do it." In a moving but ultimately doomed effort to give his impressionable boy the right messages, Christopher also attempted to answer Timmy's questions regarding why only the American League has a DH, why and how the All-Star game now "counts," what performance-enhancing drugs are, and how baseball officials could have sat idly by when they knew there was a major steroid problem in their sport.
Bush Nominates Anti-Gay Surgeon General #~# Dr. James W. Holsinger, Jr., Bush's nominee for Surgeon General authored a 1991 medical paper arguing that homosexuality is unnatural and unhealthy. What do  you think? 
Middle Manager Announces Plans To Skedaddle #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Following the successful completion of a large collating project, administrative supervisor Becky Szafranski announced plans to skedaddle earlier than usual Friday. 
Oakmont Country Club Members Refuse To Give Up Regular Weekly Tee Times #~# OAKMONT, PA—The membership at Oakmont Country Club informed PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem yesterday that they will not be denied their regular, weekly tee times simply because the U.S. Open is scheduled to take place there this week. "I'm a dues-paying member here, have been for 25 years," said 17-handicapper Dr. Tom Sargent, who intends on playing in his usual 8:00 a.m. Thursday threesome with doctors Heidigger and Gimlet. "If those guys are playing slow, I'll hit into them. I can't stand when guests hold up play." Sargent's pairing is set to tee off after Sergio Garcia's group and before Tiger Woods'. 
Famous MLB Manager Tantrums #~# As Braves manager Bobby Cox approaches the all-time record for ejections from games, Onion Sports remembers baseball's all-time best on-field tantrums:
Scrappy Underdog Yankees Refusing To Go Away #~# NEW YORK—Though they were written off at the beginning of the season, the underdog New York Yankees refuse to succumb to their obvious lack of money and talent and have managed to put together a six-game winning streak to remain in contention with the far superior Boston Red Sox. "What you are seeing right now from the Yankees is pure heart, because honestly, that's all this team's really got," said ESPN columnist Buster Olney, adding that the team's unwillingness to quit a battle that is basically unwinnable should serve as an inspiration. "They have a shortstop who can barely field a ground ball, a pitcher who is close to 50, and catcher who has never really been that good at baseball. If they keep this up, we could be witnessing the makings of a modern-day miracle." According to Olney, although the Yankees' recent success is a welcome change, their struggles should be an sign to Commissioner Bud Selig that revenue sharing in the major leagues is not working. 
Davey Gendelman Hits Puberty #~# WHITFORD, NJ—After several months of observation and interviews with nearly everyone in the young teen's life, an Onion investgation has conclusively determined that Whitford seventh grader David "Davey" Gendelman, 13, is presently undergoing the bodily changes that will slowly transform his awkward, boyish frame into that of a sexually mature adult.
Congress Passes Seriously Uncool Legislation #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a total buzzkill, the Senate on Friday passed some seriously lame legislation by a vote of 89-7, one week after the House was a complete tool and approved the same stupid bill. 
Third Time's Even More The Charm! #~# Item! Am I the only one who's noticed that the movie houses are just bursting with must-see sequels-to-sequels these days? Talk about a three-peat summer! Spider Man 3, Pirates of the Carobean 3, Shreck 3, Ocean's 11: 3, they're all making sure you get out of your seats to do something, like go see a movie! And who can resist? By putting the stars of these movies—people like Cam'ron Diez, James Franco, Brad Pitt, and the girl from Pirates of the Carobean—into one theater, it creates a gravitational pull so powerful that you will be lucky to get out alive!   
Russia Engages In Saber Rattling #~# Recently, Russia has engaged in what seem to be Soviet-era tactics, such as a ballistic missile test, a threat to target Europe, and a suspected cyberattack against Estonia. Here are some other examples of Cold War behavior:
I've Got Some Bad News, And I've Got Some Hilarious News #~# What I have to tell you now is very difficult for me to say, both because it is emotionally painful and because, quite frankly, it's hard to keep a straight face while recounting what happened. I've got some bad news, and some hilarious news, to tell you about your Uncle Murray.
Tonight Show Features Live Ad #~# Tuesday's broadcast of The Tonight Show included a live commercial, its first since 1995. What do you think?
Author To Use Water As Metaphor #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—Novelist, playwright, and poet H. Gregor Lafferty, 41, announced Monday his plan to use water as a metaphor in an upcoming and as-yet-untitled work.
Lieberman Advocates Attack On Iran #~# Sen. Joe Lieberman told Face The Nation the U.S. should bomb Iran because they continue to aid anti-American forces in Iraq. What do you think?
Shaking Off Amnesia, Gonzales Remembers He's Actually Pool Salesman From Tulsa #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' future was thrown further into jeopardy Friday when he was accidentally struck by a boom microphone, reversing a years-long case of amnesia and causing him to remember his true identity as hotshot Tulsa, OK pool and spa salesman "Cabana Al" Gonzales.
Drunk Guy Knows All The Lyrics To This Song #~# ATHENS, OH—Keith Bonifer, 34, a regular and frequently intoxicated patron of Araby's Pub, impressed fellow customers Tuesday by accurately singing along to every word of "Save Your Love," Great White's epic 1987 power ballad. "He knew the whole thing, even after five boilermakers," bartender Bill Riggs said of Bonifer's flawless 5-minute, 46-second performance, during which he reportedly demonstrated admirable restraint by not staggering around the bar to get other patrons to sing with him. "He even knew the part where it goes 'so lock the door and throw away the key,' which I always thought was 'so rock me more and throw away the key.' Makes a lot more sense, actually." Due to the way Bonifer moved his hands during the solo, bar patrons speculated that he might also be adept at playing the song on guitar.
Bird Flu Vaccine Approved #~# The first vaccine for avian flu was recently approved by the Food and Drug Administration. What do you think?
Craig Kilborn Ready To Return To The Daily Show #~# LOS ANGELES—Former late-night television personality Craig Kilborn announced Monday that he has decided to return to the show he says he made a household name. 
Banjo Player Sought In Hootenanny Spree #~# BOSTON—Truck driver and banjo player Jay "Snapbean" Holcomb was named a "person of interest" by Boston police Tuesday in its investigation of a series of unannounced and boisterous hootenannies responsible for bringing sections of the city to a virtual standstill over the past several weeks.
Rep. Jefferson Under Investigation #~# The House has ordered a speedy ethics probe into the dealings of Rep. William J. Jefferson (D-LA) that could oust him before he goes to trial on charges of federal corruption. What do you think? 
Study: Many Americans Too Fat To Commit Suicide #~# LOS ANGELES—A report published Monday in The New England Journal of Medicine warns that the nation's obesity epidemic has reached a new level of crisis, with many overweight Americans' increased girth rendering them physically unable to end their own, fat lives.
Isiah Thomas Asks Mike Brown If He Could Coach One Game Of Finals #~# CLEVELAND—New York Knicks coach and president of basketball operations Isiah Thomas, distraught over his team's failure to make the playoffs and desperate to show that he could be a successful leader in the postseason, approached Cavaliers head coach Mike Brown Monday concerning the possibility of coaching at least one Finals game. "Tell you what—if you win the first two games, how about letting me do the third?" Thomas asked a mostly silent Brown during the 45-minute conference call. "C'mon, what could it hurt? At least let me coach Game 4. Half of Game 4. I could do great things with those guards you got." Although the call concluded without Thomas or Brown coming to an agreement, Brown admitted he was surprised that Thomas also fully expected to act as the Cavaliers' president of basketball operations for the duration of the deal.
Scooter Libby Sentenced For Lying #~# I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was sentenced to 30 months in prison for obstructing the Valerie Plame CIA leak investigation. What do you think?"
Tom Glavine: 'I'm Never Gonna Get My 300th Win, Am I?' #~# NEW YORK—Following a no-decision after two consecutive losses—a three-game span in which the Mets scored a combined three runs—Tom Glavine (5-3) shook his head while repeatedly mumbling "It's never gonna happen" at a post-game press conference Tuesday. "Five 20-win seasons and two stupid Cy Young awards, so what? It means nothing… I have nothing," said a visibly dejected Glavine to a crowd that included his wife, daughter, and stepson. "I should have retired when I had the chance, but now I'll just end my career as a loser. God, I am such a loser." Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez tried to cheer up Glavine with by telling him that at least his career hasn't been marred by injuries, to which Glavine responded, "Shut up."
Second Life Makes Dream Of Owning Fictitious Coffee Shop Come True #~# HAILEY, ID—As a teenager, Kerry Jarrett never thought she would have the opportunity to own and operate a completely fabricated coffee shop and performance space. But thanks to Linden Lab's popular Second Life digital world, Jarrett, 31, has turned her dream into a virtual reality.
A History Of Head Injuries In Sports #~# The NFL is joining other sanctioning bodies in researching methods of preventing head injuries after studies revealed players have been suffering more frequent and more severe concussions in recent years. Onion Sports lists some sporting milestones in head safety:
God Wondering If He's Being Too Cruel In Allowing Cavaliers To Reach NBA Finals #~# PARADISE—God, the omnipotent and omniscient Creator of the Universe who recently saw fit to allow the Cleveland Cavaliers to advance to the NBA Finals, expressed concern Tuesday that He might be causing the earthly city of Cleveland undue emotional anguish by doing so. "I can't help feeling that they who dwell in Cleveland and root for the Cavaliers have done nothing to warrant the dashing of their hopes after having them raised to such lofty heights," said God, who acknowledged that day-to-day life was bitter enough for city residents. "Although I move in mysterious ways, and in doing so often allow bad things to happen to good people, My grand design is usually glorious to behold. But the Cavs in the Finals…I don't know, maybe that's just plain mean." God is said to be particularly sensitive to looming tragedies in Cleveland recently, as the Indians have been playing better than expected, earthquake-level tension began building in a previously undetected geological slip-fault in the bedrock along the shores of Lake Erie, and the Browns drafted quarterback Brady Quinn. 
Tim Duncan Rooting For Cavaliers For Good Of NBA #~# SAN ANTONIO—San Antonio Spurs All-Star center Tim Duncan told reporters yesterday that he is rooting for the Cleveland Cavaliers to win this year's NBA Finals, stating that a Cavaliers victory is "exactly what the NBA needs right now."
Lou Piniella Appeals For Suspension To Last For Entire Contract #~# CHICAGO—After MLB executive vice president for administration John McHale Jr. announced that Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella would be suspended for four games following his recent tirade, Piniella immediately appealed for his suspension to be extended for the duration of his contract. "What I did was inexcusable and I deserve to be punished to the fullest extent," said Piniella, whom observers say appeared contrite and apologetic. "This kind of on-field behavior is unprofessional and needs to be stopped, and Major League Baseball should make an example out of me by taking away the wonderful privilege of coaching the Chicago Cubs for the next three seasons. Please." Piniella ended his appeal by saying he had learned his lesson and that next time he would punch the umpire the first chance he got.
Retired Gen. George Washington Criticizes Bush's Handling Of Iraq War #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Breaking a 211-year media silence, retired Army Gen. George Washington appeared on NBC's Meet the Press Sunday to speak out against many aspects of the way the Iraq war has been waged.
Audience Calls Candidates Back On Stage For Debate Encore #~# MANCHESTER, NH—A sold-out crowd at St. Anselm College refused to leave after the Republican presidential debate came to a close Tuesday, loudly clamoring for the 10 candidates to return for an encore. 
Hey, Wasn't There Some Sort Of National Tragedy A Few Months Back? #~# Wait a minute. I could swear that I was recently shocked and outraged about something that felt really significant. But now I can't for the life of me recall what it was. A senseless horror that staggered the imagination in the scope of its brutality? Something so terrible, a grieving nation was never going to be the same?
Bush To Double AIDS Funding #~# President Bush is seeking to double the amount the U.S. is spending to fight global AIDS to $30 billion in five years. Where will the money go?
With All Due Respect, I Choose Not To Go Fuck Myself #~# Sir. Sir. Sir! Now that you have, I dare say, made your opinion on this matter more than abundantly clear, might I finally be afforded the opportunity to respond? Thank you. You have spoken eloquently, and I do appreciate your directness and candor. However, after due consideration of your most adamant proposal, I regret to inform you that I will neither be going nor fucking myself, not now and not in the foreseeable future.
The 49 States Of America? #~# A secession movement has been gaining traction in the state of Vermont. What do you think?
Creation Museum Grand Opening #~# The Creation Museum, which holds that the Bible is the supreme authority, opened last week in Kentucky. What do you think?
Nation Hoping For A Windy Flag Day #~# WASHINGTON, DC—With June 14 just a week away, citizens nationwide are hoping that brisk, windy weather is in store for this Flag Day.
Rocky II, III, IV Decisions Overturned After Stallone Caught With Performance-Enhancing Drugs #~# PHILADELPHIA—In the wake of last month's shocking revelation that actor Sylvester Stallone had been caught with the illegal human growth hormone Jintropin at an Australian airport, the World Boxing Association, in a joint decision with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and the Screen Actors Guild, has overturned the uplifting, feel-good endings of Rocky II, III, and IV, sources said Monday.
Uncool Zookeeper Won't Let Anyone Ride Gorillas #~# BROOKFIELD, IL—Despite heartfelt pleas, Janice Petrone, a totally lame and uncool zookeeper at the Brookfield Zoo, repeatedly told a group of area sixth graders Monday that they were not allowed to ride on the backs of the western lowland gorillas. 
Airline Passenger Has TB #~# An Atlanta lawyer recently flew two transatlantic flights after being diagnosed with a rare and dangerous strain of tuberculosis. What do you think?
Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play In Time, Place Shakespeare Intended #~# MORRISTOWN, NJ—In an innovative, tradition-defying rethinking of one of the greatest comedies in the English language, Morristown Community Players director Kevin Hiles announced Monday his bold intention to set his theater's production of William Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice in 16th-century Venice. 
Executive Fascinated By Electrician's Lunch #~# NEW YORK—While waiting for an elevator en route to a lunch meeting at Central Park's Tavern on the Green restaurant Monday, Citibank CEO Chuck Prince said he became "spellbound" by the meal being consumed by an electrician working in the area. "First, he opened some sort of tiny, metal, barn-looking object, and then he took out and ate one of those sandwich things, you know, the kind with bologna and two slices of mushy white bread," said Prince, who was equally amazed that the electrician's snack-cake dessert wasn't set ablaze before consumption. "I had heard of this sort of meal before, but never actually seen it. My goodness, his thermos contained soup!" Prince added that he was even more stunned when he realized that the electrician must have prepared his meal at home.
Media Landscape Redefined By 24-Second News Cycle #~# ATLANTA—Last week, after a reported 65 million Americans learned of the bipartisan immigration bill with the breaking news report "Mexicans Stay," it became apparent that the much- ballyhooed 24-second news cycle had come into its own. But now some media experts are questioning the conventional wisdom that says the quickening pace of reportage is providing more news to more people faster.
Sheehan Quits Peace Movement #~# Cindy Sheehan, who lost her son in Iraq, is leaving peace activism, citing disillusionment with the Democrats and an antiwar movement that "often puts personal egos above human life." What do you think? 
Counselors Quarantine Homesick Campers #~# CAMP WALLALONGABANKA, MN—Counselors at Wallalongabanka  Sleep-Away Camp say a potentially dangerous outbreak of homesickness has been contained in Mallard Cabin, where campers infected by "sudden acute attacks of missing their parents" were safely quarantined Saturday before the disease could spread. 
Report: Astronauts Flew Drunk #~# An internal review at NASA revealed that some of their astronauts may have been drunk when they boarded shuttle missions into space. What do you think?
Mysterious Congressman Challenges Leading Candidates To Debate At Dawn #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Mysterious Congressman, whose presidential campaign continues to be propelled by the dashing, effortless flair with which he exposes the cowardice and duplicity of lesser legislators, challenged presidential candidates of both major political parties Monday to a great public debate.
Demoted Cop Unsure Why Desk Job Considered Punishment #~# CHICAGO—Noting that his new assignment is low-stress and conveniently located next to the vending machines, Chicago Police Department patrolman Fred Carlson, 31, reported Tuesday that he cannot figure out what about his 90-day demotion to a desk job is supposed to be punitive. "The paperwork's easy, there's central air, and sometimes I can even take my shoes off," Carlson said. "Plus, I've been at this for three weeks now, and guess how many times I've been afraid for my life? Zero." Carlson claimed that if he had known accidentally shooting an unarmed black kid would be this rewarding, he would have done it sooner. 
Facebook Founder Sued #~# Mark Zuckerberg, creator of the popular social networking site Facebook, is being sued by two former classmates who claim he stole the idea. What do you think?
New Theories Suggest Kennedy Wasn't Shot #~# DALLAS—A controversial new book about the assassination of President John F. Kennedy has raised questions not about the role of a lone gunman or a conspiracy of shooters, but about whether the late president was even even shot at all.
July 28, 1953 #~# Korean War Ends in Tearful 3-Hour Finale
Farewell, Weekly World News #~# Weekly World News, home to columnist Ed Anger and exclusive coverage of Bat Boy, will cease publication as of August 3. What do you think?
Final Harry Potter Book Blasted For Containing Spoilers #~# NEW YORK—Harry Potter fans throughout the world were shocked, disappointed, and outraged to learn last week that J.K. Rowling's 750-page novel, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, blatantly answers every looming question in the 10-year-long saga, even going so far as to divulge what happens to key characters 20 years into the future.
Butterfly Fuck-Swing Filled With Junk Mail #~# ELMHURST, IL—An adjustable butterfly fuck-swing once used by Nathan Moscone and Sofia Klein-Moscone to have wild and uninhibited sex in myriad aerial positions has been slowly filling up with junk mail over the past several months, the couple reported Monday.
U.S. City Issues IDs To Illegal Immigrants #~# New Haven, CT is the first city in the nation to offer ID cards to illegal immigrants, thus granting them privileges such as library cards and bank accounts. What do you think?
Padraig Harrington On First Major Victory: 'That Was Boring' #~# CARNOUSTIE, SCOTLAND—During the post-tournament press conference following his victory in this year's British Open, Ireland's Padraig Harrington said the whole experience of winning his first major championship failed to excite him and was, in the end, "rather boring." "This is, after all, a slow and tedious game," said Harrington, who said his four-hole playoff with Sergio Garcia was merely "the same old thing with, thankfully, fewer holes." "Hit the ball hard, approach it again, and hit it somewhat more softly. Sometimes one strikes it rather harder than necessary, sometimes less. Still, it's a living, isn't it?" When asked if he would defend his British Open title next year, a disinterested Harrington responded, "Yes, yes, whatever."
Left Bed In Clemens, Pettitte's Shared Hotel Room Clearly Unused #~# KANSAS CITY—One of the beds in the hotel room occupied by Yankee pitchers and offseason workout partners Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens was left completely untouched during the first night of the team's four-game road series, sources at the Embassy Suites in Kansas City reported early Tuesday morning. "It is quite peculiar, especially since both men were there when I delivered the tray of chocolate-covered strawberries they ordered from room service at 11:30 p.m.," said room maid Maria Santos, who claimed the bed remained exactly as she left it the morning before, save for the removal of one pillow, which was found at the foot of the other bed with a slight tear in the fabric. "Normally I would have been happy to only have to make one bed, had the other one not been a complete mess. And somehow everything on the top of the kitchen table ended up on the floor, too." Andy Pettitte was not available for comment, and is day-to-day with a sore groin.
Bengals To Enforce Strict 3 a.m. Curfew #~# CINCINNATI, OH—After enduring the arrests of 10 of their players over the last 14 months, the exasperated Cincinnati Bengals coaching staff announced that it will enact a new training-camp rule—the Bengals' third ever—requiring players to at least try and make it back for the 3 a.m. curfew. "I know the guys won't like this," Bengals coach Marvin Lewis said Monday. "But a rule's a rule, as I've often told them, and if they can't get drunk, stoned, or embroiled in a running gun battle with police before the curfew, they will eventually have to suffer the consequences." The team is also considering a radical new policy that would encourage Bengals players who drink heavily to seek the help of a designated driver to take them to practice.
Barry Bonds Home-Run Scandal Somehow Becomes Feel-Good Sports Story Of Summer #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Although Barry Bonds remains the target of criticism over his possible—some say almost certain—use of performance-enhancing substances, the fact that Bonds has not been implicated in dogfighting, nightclub shootings, gambling, or murdering his family has transformed his controversial pursuit of the all-time home-run record into the feel-good sports story of the summer.
EPA Warns Human Beings No Longer Biodegradable #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Environmental Protection Agency issued a bulletin Tuesday warning the bodies of American citizens, with their large concentrations of artificial, synthetic, and often toxic substances, have been reclassified as industrial waste. "The average human body is now only 35 percent organic," EPA chief Ralph Johnson said. "Due to changes brought about by modern detergents, silicone implants, and processed cheese food product, it is no longer safe to allow human tissue to come into contact with our nation's topsoil." Johnson said the EPA is seeking funding to construct a massive, federally managed human-body containment facility in the Mojave Desert to safely and viably store human remains. 
David Beckham No Longer Allowed On Playing Field For Insurance Reasons #~# LOS ANGELES—L.A. Galaxy club officials said Monday that, under the terms of the insurance policy intended to protect their $250 million investment in star midfielder David Beckham, they would under no circumstances permit the high-priced Beckham to play soccer for them ever again. "We would have to be crazy to expose David to a hazard-filled game, situation, stadium, or even let him set foot in our potentially harmful training facilities," Galaxy head coach Frank Yallop said. "We have a quarter of a billion dollars invested in him, and our policy will not allow him to play in a game where physical contact, while rare, has been known to occur, as even a minor nagging injury could prevent Beckham from performing his primary duty of representing us in public." Galaxy executives addressed concerns that his wife Victoria will break him by announcing plans to encase Beckham in a protective block of Lucite, only taking him out for special promotional occasions.
Donaghy's Warning Signs #~# Many NBA fans suspected that something was wrong with NBA officiating long before the Donaghy scandal broke. Official review of the games he worked reveals the following suspicious behavior on Donaghy's part:
Study: Iraqis May Experience Sadness When Friends, Relatives Die #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—A field study released Monday by the University of North Carolina School of Public Health suggests that Iraqi citizens experience sadness and a sense of loss when relatives, spouses, and even friends perish, emotions that have until recently been identified almost exclusively with Westerners.
New Sitcom Pulls Back The Envelope #~# LOS ANGELES—Fox network executives excited about the ground-mending situation comedy Family House, which will debut this fall, told reporters Monday that the program has pulled back the envelope on modern television, and is sure to give viewers a "30-minute Ferris-wheel ride." 
No One Sets Out To Be A Smooth Jazz Musician #~# Look, I'm not going to lie to you. Nobody ever just woke up one morning and thought, "Of all the things possible in the vastness that is life, what I'd really like to do is play smooth jazz 250 nights a year." It just doesn't work that way. 
Dow Jones Reaches 14,000 #~# The Dow Jones closed at over 14,000 for the first time last week. What are the contributing factors?
Adults Have Misclassified Me As A Handful #~# Clearly, a mistake has been made. For whatever reason, I have been singled out and wrongly characterized by the adult world as a "real handful." In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.
Drew Carey New Price Host #~# Comedian Drew Carey has been named as Bob Barker's successor as host of The Price Is Right. What do you think?
5 Polyps Removed From Bush's Colon #~# Following a routine colonoscopy, doctors removed five small polyps from President Bush. What do you think?
Frustration With Husband Taken Out On Soap Scum #~# FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Local homemaker Darlene Ernst, 37, expressed her frustration with her husband Dean on Tuesday by vigorously scouring the stubborn soap scum from her bathtub's surface.  "A clean bathroom takes a lot of work, and maybe I'm not always in the mood to do it, but I do it anyway because it's the right thing," said Ernst, whose spouse's emotional unavailability is similarly responsible for her home's dust-free mini-blinds and spotless attic.  "I will not let this soap scum ruin my life." Sources report that Ernst treated herself to a new Clorox ReadyMop over the weekend after hearing from neighbors that her husband was seen with another woman.
Target Sold Illegal Silly String #~# Retailing giant Target has been fined $120,000 for selling illegally-imported silly string that contained hydrochlorofluorocarbons, the propellant that was banned for damaging the ozone. What do you think?
Earthquake Sets Japan Back To 2147 #~# TOKYO—Japanese government officials confirmed Monday that the damage wrought on Japan's national infrastructure by the July 16th earthquake—particularly on the country's protective force field, quantum teleportation system, zero-point fusion energy broadcasting grid, and psychodynamic communications network—was severe enough to set the technologically advanced island nation back approximately 300 years to a primitive mid-22nd-century state of existence.
Area Man Can't Wait To Get Home To Look Out New Window #~# CHESHIRE, OR—Assistant sales manager Steve Gregory, 37, told reporters that he has spent his entire workday waiting for the time when he can go home and stare out of his brand-new Pella "Architect Series" double-hung window, which was scheduled to be installed at noon on Monday. 
New Eco-Friendly Packaging Triggers Boom In Guilt-Free Littering #~# ROCKFORD, IL—Nick Sundin used to be neurotic about littering. The 37-year-old pediatrician admits he kept trash bags in his car, and would even pick up and throw away garbage he found on the street. Since boyhood, Sundin said, he was keenly attuned to the environmental degradation littering caused, an attitude triggered by the famous Keep America Beautiful "Crying Indian" public service announcement he saw on television as a young man.
Whole Foods CEO Under Inquiry #~# John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods, is currently being investigated for anonymously posting to Yahoo investment groups about Wild Oats, which his company was at the time attempting to buy. What do you think? 
Murder Mystery On Train Not So Fun In Real Life #~# TOMAH, WI—An ongoing murder investigation aboard a cross-country Amtrak passenger train has not been the thrilling, suspense-filled journey of intrigue and ingenious subterfuge that was initially anticipated, travelers said Monday.
July 20, 1985 #~# Victory! U.S. Wins Vietnam War at Last
Sources: Barista Not Actually Flirting With You #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Though she greets you every morning with a smile, sometimes chats with you, and makes sure the chocolate syrup is evenly distributed throughout your mocha, Starbucks barista Molly Sopel is in truth not flirting with you, and is instead simply a pleasant person and conscientious employee, coffeeshop sources reported Monday. 
While Clearing Out Desk, Dan Patrick Sobs Over Picture Of Him And Tim Kurkjian #~# BRISTOL, CT—Longtime ESPN anchor Dan Patrick, who recently announced that he will leave the sports network in August, broke into spasms of uncontrollable sobbing after finding an old photo of himself and baseball analyst Tim Kurkjian while clearing out his desk last Friday. "Oh my God, I remember this—this was taken right after I let Lance Armstrong off the Budweiser Hot Seat," Patrick said through tears as he displayed the back of the photograph, which read, "Me, Looking Good! With coworker—Sept. 2005." "I wonder what that guy's up to these days." After regaining his composure, Patrick noted the scene that had just taken place would probably make an excellent SportsCenter commercial.
Shane Victorino Really Thought Phillies Could Avoid 10,000th Loss #~# PHILADELPHIA—Following the Phillies' 45th loss of the season—the historic and much-discussed 10,000th in franchise history—Philadelphia right-fielder Shane Victorino expressed surprise and disappointment, saying that he felt the milestone of failure could have been avoided if his team had "just played a little better." "After how much we've practiced and all the recent talk about the importance of winning, I really didn't anticipate another loss for this ballclub," Victorino told a group of reporters in the Phillies locker room. "Ever. Take the talent we have coming up through the farm system, mix in a few smart trades, and above all play smarter, and we never would have had to know what 10,000 losses feels like." Victorino went on to explain how, with increasing international tensions and the ever-present possibility of global thermonuclear war, the Phillies may still be able to avoid their 11,000th loss.
AMA: Plastic Surgery 'Only A Few Years Away' From Making Someone Look Better #~# NEW YORK—American Medical Association spokeswoman Dr. Marlene German told reporters at a press conference Tuesday that, after nearly a half-century of advancements in the field, doctors are now only "a few years away" from being able to make patients look better, rather than worse, following plastic surgery. 
Authorities Discover Illegal Frog-Jumping Ring In Eli Manning's Backyard #~# BUTTERFIELD, MO—Authorities responding to complaints of excessive hooting and hollering on a 15-acre farm owned by New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning discovered an illegal frog-jumping ring Friday, leading to the arrest of Wilbur Jefferson, Manning's second cousin and the farm's only resident. "We have identified as many as a dozen violations of federal batrachian-cruelty laws concerning the procuring, housing, and training of the bullfrogs forced to take part in these underground leaping competitions," Barry County Sheriff's Department spokesman Brad Winters told reporters as photographers worked to document frog-jumping implements such as lengths of knotted measuring twine, jars of pond water, and a burial pit containing the bodies of legless and presumably defeated frogs. "We are not certain if Manning himself is involved, but he has been named as a person of interest in this case, and we have collected smokeless tobacco samples for DNA analysis." Winters would not confirm that police had acquired a cell-phone video in which a squatting Manning was clearly shown warning Jeremy Shockey against touching the amphibians during the contest, weighing opponents' frogs with buckshot, or using toads.
Surviving The Summer Sports Doldrums #~# The midsummer sports drought is in full swing. How are Americans spending their time now that there are only two major sports on TV?
Joe DiMaggio's Diary Just A List Of Things, People He Hated #~# NEW YORK—Upon closer examination, a 2,400-page, 29-volume diary kept by New York Yankees centerfielder Joe DiMaggio from 1982 to 1993 is merely a listing of all the things and people the Hall of Famer hated, archivists charged with determining the diary's authenticity reported Monday. "Jukeboxes, dollar stores, Paul Simon, Washington, D.C., speaking, Garth Brooks, myself, and automobiles. Also sore throats, Yogi Berra, films, Lee Iacocca, coffeemakers, anyone who has ever referred to me as 'Joltin',' sandals, baseball," read the entry dated July 14, 1992. "I hate all of that. Plus my neighbor Janet, who is another one of those hateful attractive blondes." In an entry from Nov. 15, 1987, DiMaggio wrote that last names that include two capital letters were "frustrating" and "something I hate."
Kobayashi Retires From Eating #~# NAGANO, JAPAN—Mere hours after eating what he claims to be his "farewell meal" Tuesday, longtime consumer of comestible goods Takeru Kobayashi formally announced that, after a career that has spanned nearly his entire lifetime, he has decided to walk away from eating food.
Wal-Mart Stocks Christian Toys #~# Starting next month, Wal-Mart will begin selling the One2believe line of Christian toys and action figures. What do you think?
No One Admits To Singing, Writing, Producing Nation's No. 1 Song #~# LOS ANGELES—As of Monday, the CD single "Baby Baby (Luvya Girl)" has rocketed to the top of the Billboard Hot 100 on its debut week, despite the fact no one has claimed credit for singing, composing, or producing it.
Loser Older Brother Looked Up To #~# WORCESTER, MA—Though on probation for shoplifting a key chain from a local auto parts store and unemployed since dropping out of high school seven months ago, 18-year-old loser Tim Everdyke still commands the unwavering adulation of his younger brother, Jason, 12. 
I'm Totally Dating A Black Chick #~# Hola, amigos. What up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things got crazy, if you know what I mean. I got sacked from my job at that one electronics store. They said it was because I was unreliable, but it's really because my supervisor had a hard-on for making my life miserable. Every time I showed up 10 minutes late, he'd be on my jock telling me to call when I knew I was going to be late. Shit, if I knew when I was going to be late, I wouldn't be late. I ain't some fortune teller.
Workplace Productivity Falling #~# American workplace productivity is slumping, resulting in inflation fears. What is the cause of the productivity dip?
Girl, That Man Ain't Right For You #~# Girl, when I thought of you getting married to some other man, I nearly went out of my mind. As you know from the many voicemails I left on your machine, I did little during this time but cry out in anguish while lying on my circular bed. But when I heard this fiancé of yours was arrested for tax evasion shortly before your wedding, my heart skipped a beat. While I knew that your heart was breaking, which made my heart break as well, it also showed that there was another chance for us. I knew this arrest meant that the stars themselves were telling us that we were destined to be together. We two, who freak like two sides of the same coin, could soon be getting it on in every room in my penthouse apartment.
Japanese Quake Led To Nuclear Leak #~# A 6.8-magnitude earthquake caused a Japanese nuclear reactor to crack, spilling more than 300 gallons of radioactive water into the ocean. What do you think?
New Titanic Film Told From Iceberg's Point Of View #~# LOS ANGELES—Director James Cameron told Variety yesterday of his intentions to write and direct the Academy Award–winning Titanic's companion film, Iceberg, which will be told completely from the infamous chunk of frozen water's point of view. 
Gilmore Drops Out Of Race #~# James Gilmore III has ended his campaign to be the Republican candidate for president in 2008. What do you think?
John Edwards Vows To End All Bad Things By 2011 #~# AMES, IA—In an effort to jump-start a presidential campaign that still has not broken into the top Democratic tier, former Sen. John Edwards made his most ambitious policy announcement yet at a campaign event in Iowa Monday: a promise to eliminate all unpleasant, disagreeable, or otherwise bad things from all aspects of American life by the end of his second year in office.
5-Million-Car Pileup Kills Dallas-Fort Worth #~# DALLAS—The Texas Highway Patrol announced that Dallas and Fort Worth, the state's largest metropolitan area, was killed instantly during evening rush hour Monday, after their 5,104,233 vehicles were involved in a series of violent head-on, rear-end, and T-bone collisions on Interstate 30. "This is one of the worst wrecks I've seen, made even sadder by the fact that these cities were so young," state trooper Lew Pettibone said. "It's especially painful knowing how close these cities were." Dallas, 151, and Fort Worth, which turned 134 two weeks ago, are survived by their sister city, Arlington, and several younger suburbs.
Humans Hardwired For Faith #~# According to Dr. Andrew Newberg, specific parts of the brain are responsible for the religious feelings humans experience. What do you think?
July 12, 1977 #~# President Calls for Calm Following Nipple Sighting on Farrah Fawcett Poster
July 8, 1987 #~# Americans Outraged By South Africa’s Race-Divided Economic System
Heartbroken Bush Runs After Departing Rove's Car #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A confused President Bush broke free from the restraint of Secret Service agents this morning and ran in pursuit of departing deputy chief of staff Karl Rove's car for several blocks down Pennsylvania Avenue before being outdistanced by the vehicle.
Senator Craig Arrested #~# Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) was arrested for lewd conduct at the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport for allegedly attempting to cruise an undercover cop in a public restroom. What do you think?
Slightest Amount Of Physical Contact Apologized For #~# NEW YORK—During a crowded rush-hour subway ride Monday, an inadvertent brushing of one human being's hand against the forearm of another elicited a swift, contrite apology, subway sources reported. 
Motor City Madman Attacks Dems #~# In a video of a recent live performance, rocker Ted Nugent launched into a tirade against Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) and Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY), suggesting that they "suck on" or "ride" a rifle he brandished on stage. What do you think? 
Streets Of Portland Flooded With Counterfeit Toothbrushes #~# PORTLAND, OR—The health-and-beauty-aids market in the Pacific Northwest city of Portland is on the verge of collapse due to the mass infiltration of cheap counterfeit toothbrushes, police said Monday. "Every day, thousands of counterfeit toothbrushes, mostly of Asian origin, are falling into the hands of ordinary Portland citizens, including children," said Police Chief Corwin LaDuke, who added that the toothbrushes in question closely resemble legitimate ones, but are labeled "Orel-B" instead of "Oral-B," cost nearly a dime less, and can be purchased from lone dealers on street corners. "If not stopped, this could be a gateway for other illegitimate items, like off-brand napkins and black-market number two pencils." City officials also fear that organized crime figures are taking control of Portland's recycling program.
Prestigious University Touts Racial Diversity Of Dining Hall Staff #~# PRINCETON, NJ—During a first-year orientation event Monday, Princeton University president Shirley M. Tilghman lauded the college's racial diversity amongst its dining hall staff. 
Freshman Bares Her Soul To Entire Dorm Floor In First Week #~# MADISON, WI—Through tearful breakdowns, heart-to-heart conversations, and alcohol-infused emotional confessions, Chadbourne Hall resident Yvonne Dawes has exposed every part of her inner self to all 54 members of her dorm floor within the first five days of college, sources reported. 
Nation's Fourth-Graders Continue To Trail Nation's Fifth-Graders #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Data released by the National Education Association Monday showed that the wide "knowledge chasm" in American public education is showing no signs of narrowing, especially among the nation's fourth-graders, who continue to lag behind their fifth-grade counterparts by as much as one academic year. 
No One Cares About Your Girlfriend Back Home #~# YOUR SCHOOL—No one at your new college could give even two shits about the girlfriend you left back home, a special Onion investigation confirmed Monday.
Dorm RA 'Not Like The Other Dorm RAs,' Says Dorm RA #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Addressing a group of incoming University of Minnesota freshmen at an orientation meeting Sunday, Comstock Hall resident assistant Marcus Nelson told students they were lucky to be living on his floor because, unlike the other RAs on campus, he wasn't "on a big power trip."
Report: School Shootings Help Prepare Students For Being Shot In Real World #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A U.S. Department of Education report released Monday reveals that school shootings leave students significantly better prepared for the random gunfire and everyday killing sprees that await them in the larger world.
Tim Duncan Staring At Wall Right Now #~# SAN ANTONIO—Two-time NBA MVP Tim Duncan has been sitting in his living room next to his packed gym bag and clad in his Spurs warm-up jersey for the past three months, concerned teammates reported Monday. "I called him several times and he didn't pick up," said guard Tony Parker. "And when I got worried enough to go look through his window, I saw him just sitting there. I'm pretty sure he's conscious and not in any pain, but it doesn't look like he's moved since late June." The Spurs front office confirmed that Duncan requested a call at midnight on Oct. 1 to ensure he did not miss the first day of training camp.
Barry Zito: 'My Dad Says I Shouldn't Throw Curveballs Anymore' #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In an interview concerning his upcoming start against the Nationals, San Francisco Giants ace Barry Zito announced that he would no longer be throwing curveballs in either practices or game situations due to pressure from his father, Joe. "Dad says it could really mess up my arm for good if I throw too many curveballs," said the visibly embarrassed Zito, whose trademark curve has been a key to the success that saw him sign a seven-year, $126 million contract this past offseason. "Dad also says I shouldn't be pitching so much and that I should have a pitch count of, like, 75 pitches. Plus Coach [Giants manager Bruce] Bochy is always using me for both ends of a double-header and then in relief the next day, and that makes my arm hurt." When asked for comment, a disgruntled Bochy wondered if Zito's arm would be less sore if he wasn't also playing shortstop for his traveling high school team.
Notable NFL Roster Cuts #~# As NFL teams finalize their rosters in preparation for the 2007 season, Onion Sports lists the most notable cuts:
Non-Doping Cyclists Finish Tour De France #~# PARIS—A small but enthusiastic crowd of several dozen was on hand at the Tour de France's finish line on the Avenue des Champs-Élysées Tuesday to applaud the efforts of the 28 cyclists who completed the grueling 20-stage, 2,208.3-mile race without the aid of performance-enhancing drugs.
Little League Coaches' World War II-Themed Speeches Leave Players Confused, Frightened #~# WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Though coaches for both the United States and Japanese Little League teams attempted to inspire their young squads before Sunday's championship game by evoking the memories of those who fought and died for their respective countries in World War II, the coaches' descriptive tales of conflict, suffering, and mass death left players almost incapable of taking the field. "Yeah, Japan carried out a sneak attack on an American territory and killed 2,000 people, but…So? Why is that important now? Why should I keep suicidal kamikaze aircraft in mind during the game?" said U.S. pitcher Kendall Scott, visibly shaken by coach Mickey Lay's speech. "And yes, then we dropped an atom bomb on 210,000 Japanese men, women, and children, but I—I just don't…I mean, why even bring that up?" Players from the Japanese team were equally traumatized when manager Youichi Kubo explained that many in his family perished in the atomic flames of Hiroshima, and that it was almost certainly their dying wish for him to win a Little League World Series.
Seriously Ill Yankees Fan Really Hoping It's Lou Gehrig's Disease #~# NEW YORK—Lifelong New York Yankees fan and construction worker Greg Snell, 44, told reporters yesterday that it would be "a great honor" if the troubling and debilitating illness currently plaguing him was diagnosed as Lou Gehrig's Disease, the fatal neuromuscular disorder named after the Yankees legend. "Let's face it, there's no way I can match what Gehrig did on the baseball field, but there's still a chance I got [ALS]," said Snell, adding that if his muscles were to gradually become smaller and weaker to the point of complete paralysis for the same reason Gehrig's did, he would consider himself the "luckiest man on the face of the earth." "I've noticed my bricklaying skills diminishing, and, because I can no longer perform at the level I am used to, I'll soon be forced to take myself out of the construction site. I can only hope it's just like Gehrig." Snell added that if he is not diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease, he will attempt drink himself to death just like Mickey Mantle.
Texas Executes 400th Convict #~# Last week, the state of Texas executed its 400th prisoner since 1976,  when execution was ruled constitutional. What do you think?
Senate Allocates $460 Billion For Big Labor Day Sales #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to concerns that time is running out and deals like this don't come around every day, the U.S. Senate held an emergency session Tuesday to approve an appropriations bill that would allocate $460 billion toward the nation's can't-miss Labor Day weekend sales.
USA Today Crossword Puzzle Grants False Sense Of Intelligence #~# DES MOINES, IA—Forty-five minutes after sitting down with a cup of coffee and the USA Today crossword, local window fashions salesman Tom Dolan completed the puzzle's last three open squares and was filled with a sense of intellectual accomplishment. 
Honey, Let's Never Pass Out Angry Again #~# Last night was horrible. I'm not even going to go over who said what to whom or how you ended up sleeping in the backyard, because none of that matters now. All that matters is that I love you, and I don't want to spend our last 20 minutes of consciousness in an argument only to wake up at 2 p.m. the next day still mad. Sweetie, can you half open one of your eyes and look at me? I love you so, so much. Let's never pass out angry again.
Remembering Princess Di #~# This Friday marks the 10th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana of Wales. What tributes are being paid to her memory?
This Monster Problem Is Distracting This Town From The Real Issues #~# People, people, people! Put down your torches for a second. I know you're all angry that, after days of bloody and terrifying rampage, the monster still hasn't been caught. Your outrage is not unjustified; however, it's misdirected. You're all determined to defeat an inhuman creature hell-bent on destroying all living things in its path, but you're missing the bigger picture. Instead of getting upset over who or what slaughtered the varsity cheerleading squad, we need to envision more long-term solutions to the problems that affect the community as a whole.
Town Still Can't Think Of Name For Largest, Most Used Street #~# EDGAR, NE—Residents of the small town of Edgar have yet to come up with a fitting name for the tiny village's most highly trafficked street, a two-lane, tree-lined roadway running through the main downtown area.
Travelocity Fined For Cuba Trips #~# Internet travel site Travelocity was fined $182,750 for booking trips to Cuba in violation of a 45-year-old embargo. What do you think?
Woman Overjoyed By Giant Uterine Parasite #~# NEW BRIGHTON, MN—Immediately following a physician's examination for her menstrual cessation, 37-year-old events planner Janice Crowley told reporters Tuesday that she is "ecstatic" with her diagnosis of a rapidly growing intrauterine parasite.
Attorney General Gonzales Resigns #~# After mounting controversy, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned from office yesterday. What do you think?
Chris Tucker To Focus Attention On Smaller, More Personal Rush Hour Projects #~# NEW YORK—Wishing to evolve artistically beyond the blockbuster Rush Hour franchise that has made him famous, actor Chris Tucker announced Monday that he would concentrate on a series of more intimate Rush Hour projects "closer to [his] heart."
Future Of Genteel Town In Jeopardy As Doily Factory Closes #~# HONEYSUCKLE CORNERS, MO—A Missouri town's doily factory will close down for good this week, potentially spelling the end of the idyllic and grandmotherly way of life enjoyed by its citizens for generations.
Pain Medication Use Skyrocketing #~# Since 1997, the use of prescription painkillers in the United States has risen 88 percent, and oxycodone, the main ingredient in OxyContin, has increased sixfold. What do you think? 
Aug. 27, 1920 #~# Women Get Vote, Rest Rooms
Poet Takes Extra 5 Minutes To Vague Up Poem #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—After completing a poem originally titled "Last Dawnbreak," local poet Keith Taylor spent five additional minutes removing verbs and punctuation in order to give the piece a level of vagueness more suitable for publication. 
Democratic Mob Censures Bush In Effigy #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In an emblematic move intended to stand in for the official symbolic reprimand of the president, a vehemently well-mannered mob of demonstrators censured an effigy of George W. Bush Tuesday, making known its displeasure over such actions as illegal wiretapping and the politically motivated firing of federal lawyers. 
Study: Smokers Bad For Workplace #~# A new study shows that smokers have a poorer-than-average work performance and call in sick more than non-smokers. What do you think?
Meaninglessness Of Preseason Game Plunges Jeremy Shockey Into Existential Crisis #~# NEW YORK—Struggling to find purpose in life after his realization that the Giants' 13-12 victory over the Ravens Sunday night would have no bearing on the team's standings, tight end Jeremy Shockey has been questioning whether preseason games have any purpose, meaning, or even reality in and of themselves. "What the fuck is the fucking point of even striving, and being human, erring in the process, if nothing is accomplished by doing so?" Shockey asked reporters after the game while solemnly stroking the tattoo of a bald eagle wrapped in an American flag that adorns his right bicep. "It's like one of those fucking, what do you call them, paradoxes, in which one believes that this goddamned game is important enough to show up for, while at the same time you perceive that your one catch for 18 yards doesn't actually count for shit." Shockey went on to say that until his position's significance and his place in the game could be determined, he would continue to reject the concept of practice.
Peyton Manning Shows His Backup Proper Way To Hold Clipboard #~# TERRE HAUTE, IN—Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning interrupted an intrasquad scrimmage Tuesday for approximately 45 minutes in order to show backup quarterback Jim Sorgi how to properly hold his clipboard.
NCAA Hopes Guilty Verdict In Punter Stabbing Case Will Suppress Rash Of Copycat Punter Stabbings #~# GREELY, CO—College football officials are hopeful that the guilty verdict handed down in the case of Mitch Cozad, the North Colorado punter who stabbed punting rival Rafael Mendoza in an attempt to usurp his starting position, will discourage any further punter-on-punter violence. "We're saddened that the court didn't see fit to charge him with attempted punter murder, but we believe that a conviction for second-degree assault of a punter is still a deterrent to those who would do punters harm," said NCAA legal adviser Karl Simonson. "Protecting punters off the field is nearly as important as protecting them on it." Assaulting a punter has been a crime in since 1974 and a felony in every state but Texas since 1997.
Athletes In Trouble With The Law #~# Michael Vick's criminal case may be dramatic, but the situation is hardly new. Onion Sports takes a quick look at athletes who landed on the wrong side of the law:
Left-Handed Hitter Sends Little League Team Into Panic #~# WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Panic, confusion, and general chaos swept over the West Chandler, AZ Little League Sunday when, without warning, a player from the South Lubbock, TX team entered the left-handed batter's box. "Lefty! Lefty! Lefty! Lefty! Lefty! Lefty!" said first baseman Cody Bellinger, apparently unable to do anything except point helplessly at left-handed-hitting Garrett Williams as he notified his teammates of the improbable and unexpected situation. "Watch out, right field! Watch out, second base! Everyone watch out! Right field, move over! Over! I'll cover first!" Manager Jeff Parrish, who was evidently caught off guard and too paralyzed with shock to speak in an intelligible manner, loudly repeated the command "Shift!" for two straight minutes, during which the South Lubbock batter struck out on four pitches.
Fabled Burger King Employee Places Single Onion Ring In Everyone's Fries #~# MUNDELEIN, IL—A legendary Burger King employee, known across the land for the heroic and selfless deed of randomly inserting a single onion ring among the french fries of unsuspecting customers, is believed to have recently resurfaced in this sleepy Illinois town, sources reported Monday. "That onion ring was such a pleasant surprise," said Burger King patron Richard Jameson, 37, who claimed that he caught a blue-and-yellow blur out of the corner of his eye, but before he could personally thank the mysterious figure, the "Employees Only" door was already closed. "If you're reading this, good sir, thank you." While none can predict when or at which Burger King franchise the beloved fry cook will strike next, he will not rest as long as his evil nemesis continues placing shriveled-up, nasty brown fries in people's orders. 
Thought Of Cross-Dressing, Joining LPGA Briefly Crosses David Duval's Mind #~# DENVER, CO—Though he is currently taking a brief sabbatical from golf to spend time with his family, David Duval once again entertained thoughts of dressing in a modest, clean-lined polo shirt, a crisp knee-length navy cotton skirt, and classic pedal-pusher golf shoes in the interest of entering the LPGA Tour under the name of Esperanze Duvette. "You don't suppose I… Huh," Duval said to himself while admiring a set of yellow-and-pink Callaway head covers at a Denver-area pro shop Tuesday. "I mean, what if I… I mean… Hmm." Duval then spent the better part of an hour alternating between staring wistfully at posters of Paula Creamer and holding Lycra-blend sport-dresses up in front of himself while peering in the shop's mirrors.
FDA Approves Seconds #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprising reversal of its longtime single-helping policy, the Food and Drug Administration announced its approval of seconds Tuesday, claiming that an additional plateful of food with every meal can greatly reduce the risk of hunger as well as provide an excellent source of deliciousness. 
Wal-Mart Shoplifter Crackdown #~# Citing "shrinkage" as a factor in recent poor performance, Wal-Mart is instituting a number of anti-shoplifting policies, including prosecuting first-time offenders who are as young as 16. What do you think?
Neither Person In Conversation Knows What Hedge Fund Is #~# ASHLAND, OH—Despite their in-depth, seven-minute discussion on the pros and cons of hedge funds, neither Matthew Talbert, 27, nor Louis Dahlkemper, 29, has the slightest idea what the highly exclusive, unregulated private investment pools actually are.  
Now That I'm A Titan Of Industry, It's Time To Become A Titan Of Friendship #~# There's nothing quite like the thrill one gets from a successful corporate takeover. It took decades of capital accumulation and countless backroom deals to unite an agribusiness conglomerate, a chemical company, and now a telecommunications firm into the largest corporate umbrella in history. And thus having ensured that the name of Fessenden will be uttered in the halls of Harvard Business School well into the next century, it is now time for me to corner the friendship market. Charles A.P. Fessenden, Captain of Industry, Titan of Friendship. It has a nice ring, does it not?
This Gap Sweater Is Fucking Awesome #~# So, I'm in the Gap, right? The new fall line is out, and I'm looking at the standard fit, straight-leg jeans. And these fuckers are just awesome. They sit real nice just below the waist, are slightly loose through the leg, and come in four stellar washes—even though as far as I'm concerned, the lighter washes are complete bullshit, but whatever. We'll save that for another time.
Record Flight Delays #~# This summer has been one of the worst in recent years for flight delays, particularly for passengers stuck on the runway. Here are some of the factors behind the delays:
California Raises Malt Beverage Tax #~# Responding to criticism that liquor companies were targeting underage drinkers, the California legislature voted to raise the taxes on sweetened malt beverages. What do you think?
No One In Women's Shelter Able To Cook Decent Meal #~# CLEVELAND—Despite having no other household responsibilities to occupy their time, none of the residents of the Cleveland YWCA Battered Women's Shelter can prepare a decent hot meal by 6 p.m., sources at the shelter reported Tuesday. "If it's not burned or under-seasoned, it's the same goddamn thing they made yesterday," said group counselor Devon Martin, who doesn't work all day long in the shelter's therapy sessions to microwave his own leftovers. "Without mastering this important life skill, these women will never be able to leave the shelter. It's not like they got anywhere else to go, anyway." Although records show the shelter houses more than 100 battered women, there is some speculation that this number may be exaggerated, as hardly any of the laundry bags left in the hallway get taken care of. 
Brookstone Scientists 10 Years Away From Towel Alarm Clock #~# MERRIMACK, NH—Just two years after unveiling the talking remote-controlled meat thermometer and the telescope with an mp4 player, scientists at Brookstone, Inc., reported Tuesday that the towel alarm clock, which even the most optimistic upscale-gadgetry experts believed could not be available until at least the 22nd century, is a mere decade away from becoming a reality.
Hard To Tell If Wikipedia Entry On Dada Has Been Vandalized Or Not #~# ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—The Wikipedia entry on Dada—the World War I–era "anti-art" movement characterized by random nonsense words, bizarre photocollage, and the repurposing of pre-existing material to strange and disturbing effect—may or may not have been severely vandalized, sources said Monday. 
Norwegian Princess Talks To Angels #~# Norway's Princess Martha Louise claims to have psychic powers and can teach people to communicate with angels. What do you think? 
Space Tourist Spends Entire Vacation Inside Space Shuttle #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Despite having never visited outer space before in his life and being completely free from the everyday demands of work, family, and gravity, space tourist Dick Knowles spent his entire 19-day, $7 million vacation holed up inside the space shuttle Atlantis, sources reported Monday.
Aug. 17, 1977 #~# Carter to Congress: ‘What’s Your 20, Good Buddy?’
Fewer Mexicans Sending Money Home #~# Anticipating a move back home, the percentage of Mexicans sending money to family in their native country fell from 71 percent last year to 64 percent. What do you think?
Self-Help Lecture Attendees Surprised To Hear Speaker Was Once Just Like Them #~# IRVINE, TX—Audience members at Saturday's self-help lecture series "Success 1-2-3" were shocked to discover that professional motivational speaker Martin Vaughan was not always the well-dressed, successful man standing onstage, but was once, in fact, "just like [them]."
Day Spent On Internet Comes Full Circle #~# DAYTON, OH—A day of web surfing poetically ended just as it began Monday, when a random string of links brought area man Howard Nagel back to the same Facebook page on which he started nine hours earlier. 
Chinese Won't Dump Dollar #~# In the face of numerous U.S. economic woes, the Chinese government has expressed their confidence in the strength of the dollar, dispelling speculation that they would sell off their $1.33 trillion in foreign reserves holdings. What do you think?
Nude Model Suspects She's Posing For Civics Class #~# DOVER, DE—Model Sherri Rawlings, 24, told reporters yesterday that she has a "lingering feeling" that, for the past week, she has been standing naked in front of a junior high school civics class.
Woods Annoyed Daughter Was Looking Other Way When He Won PGA Championship #~# TULSA, OK—Though Tiger Woods told reporters he was "pleased" to win the PGA Championship last Sunday, the 13-time major winner said he was also deeply annoyed that Sam Alexis, his two-month-old daughter, was "not even paying attention" when Woods sank his tournament-winning putt on the 18th hole. "I was happy that she was there and everything, but she behaved as if she didn't even understand the gravity of the situation," said Woods, adding that his baby girl "didn't even clap" when he made a clutch birdie putt on the 15th hole and that he had even caught her giggling when he bogeyed the 14th. "Whether she likes it or not, golf is what puts a roof over her head, so I expect her to be more respectful in the future." Woods later stated, however, that he couldn't find fault with his daughter's apathetic feelings towards the upcoming FedEx Cup events, saying that he himself thinks of it as a forced and unoriginal attempt to inject excitement into the final part of the golf season. 
New Features in Madden '08 #~# The release of the new Madden videogame has become an event in its own right. Onion Sports lists everything players can get excited about in '08, not counting roster changes:
Rams Too Embarrassed To Express Interest In Simeon Rice: 'What If He Doesn't Like Us?' #~# ST. LOUIS, MO—Fearing that free-agent defensive end Simeon Rice would not like their team because the facilities "aren't nice enough," the "stupid old stadium is too small," and that their "dumb team uniforms look stupid," the St. Louis Rams found themselves too embarrassed to express interest in the three-time Pro-Bowler, sources close to the team reported Friday. "Just look at Simeon—he's such a great player," said Rams' GM Charley Armey, squirming in his chair as he watched tape of Rice, who is second in sacks among active players and considered quite a catch. "I don't even know what I would say to him. What if he thinks we're lame because all the other teams have more money and a later curfew?" Armey claims the team is feeling shy and vulnerable after losing several key free agents during the offseason, and that they have never felt as attractive to popular players as the other "more glamorous" teams in the NFC West.
Fucking Yankees, Reports Nation #~# BOSTON—Moments after the New York Yankees continued a month-long stretch that has seen them climb from the bottom of the AL East to pull within a once unfathomable four games of the first-place Red Sox by defeating the Baltimore Orioles Monday night, stunned and enraged baseball fans across America took a moment to shake their heads in disbelief and curse dejectedly at the relentless inevitability of Yankee glory.
Yao Ming's Self-Written Wedding Vows Include How He Loves The Top Of His Wife's Head #~# SHANGHAI—Houston Rockets and Chinese national team center Yao Ming, 7'6",  married his longtime 6'3" girlfriend, Ye Li, last week in a ceremony for which Yao wrote  nuptial vows praising, among other things, the top of Ye's head. "Ye, my beloved, to glimpse the onyx brilliance of the top of your head sends through me a rush of love strong enough to lift a thousand mountains," Yao intoned nervously yet earnestly as he gazed almost straight down into Ye's eyes. "And your dear sweet shoulders are like two tiny, distant doves nesting beneath that deep abiding well of wisdom and kindness." Yao's poetic efforts were obviously much appreciated by his beaming wife and generally well-received by family and friends, although Yao seemed annoyed when asked by American sports reporters if Ye's feet "looked like they'd been bound when seen from all the way up there."
Newly Appointed Ambassador Ripken Accidentally Causes Nuclear War #~# TEHRAN—Mere days after being named a U.S. State Department Goodwill Ambassador and Special Sports Envoy by Condoleezza  Rice, baseball Hall of Famer and consecutive-games-played record holder Cal Ripken Jr. triggered a nuclear war between Iran and United Nations forces Tuesday night. "I was just explaining to that Mr. Ahmadinejad that there was nothing like a good old game of baseball to get to know someone better, and I told him that I'd ordered an American armored battalion into the capital city to teach them how to play," Ripken told reporters from a radiological observation bay in United Nations Field Hospital And Decontamination Unit 704, where he is expected to spend the rest of his life. "Well, seems Mahmoud didn't like that too much." MLB officials have not yet announced whether the 125,000 casualties suffered in the limited nuclear exchange will be added to Ripken's lifetime statistics.
U.S. To Re-Hang Saddam Hussein #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Calling last December's execution of Saddam Hussein "anticlimactic," White House officials announced Monday their intention to hang the late Iraqi dictator again this year in an attempt to garner a more favorable response from the public. 
Area Man Meets That Special Someone Else #~# DENVER—Husband and father of three Hank Glass, 37, told reporters Monday that his life finally has a purpose now that he has met that special someone else, 42-year-old waitress Debra Nelson. 
America's Aging Infrastructure #~# Recent incidents, including a bridge collapse in Minneapolis and a steam tunnel explosion in New York City, have brought the nation's aging infrastructure into the spotlight. What are some of the country's major problem areas?
All You Had To Say Was 'Owen Wilson Befriends A Dolphin' And I Was Sold #~# Listen—stop talking. I don't need to hear the rest. The first half of the sentence was genius! "Owen Wilson befriends a dolphin and…" And? What "and"? No "and" necessary! Are you kidding me? I'm sold. Sold!
As A Working Mom, It's Hard To Find Time To Masturbate #~# As a single mother of three with a full-time career, I've got a lot on my plate. Between making the children's breakfast in the morning and making sure they brush their teeth at night, I hardly have any time to take care of myself. Sometimes, I just get so darn busy that I'll realize it's 6 p.m. and I haven't even eaten yet! Can you imagine? Not that I'm complaining, though. I love being a mom. But I'll tell you what—sometimes I find it just about impossible to find a spare moment to stimulate my clitoris until I reach glorious climax.  
War Czar Considering Draft #~# In a recent interview, Army Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute said that it made sense to consider the possibility of a draft. What do you think?
Karl Rove Resigns #~# In an interview with The Wall Street Journal, Bush adviser Karl Rove said that he would leave his White House post at the end of August and go back to Texas. What do you think?
Churchgoer Tips God For Excellent Week #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Churchgoer Brad Thaden, 48, reportedly tipped God a little something extra Sunday, claiming that the Almighty had done a better job than usual that week, especially with the weather and his children's behavior. 
Pipe Cleaners, Googly Eyes Cut From Elementary School Arts Budget #~# PARAMUS, NJ—With students set to arrive in about three weeks, teachers at Washington Street Elementary School were scrambling Monday to deal with a new round of budget cuts that slashed funding for the pipe cleaners and googly eyes they say are the cornerstone of a humanities-based education.
Baby Einstein DVDs Don't Work #~# A research team at the University of Washington has determined that babies watching television for an hour a day learned less vocabulary than babies that watched no television. What do you think? 
Local Man Vows Revenge Against Atlantic Ocean #~# VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Following a harrowing experience last Thursday in which vacationer Seth Harris got caught in the Atlantic Ocean's undertow and almost drowned, the 26-year-old promised to take vengeance on the 41.1-million-square-mile body of water, which as of press time covered one-fifth of the globe.
Ben Affleck Hoping Jason Bourne Has Sidekick In Next Movie #~# LOS ANGELES—Actor Ben Affleck, best known for his role in the 2003 film Daredevil, told reporters Monday he would really like to see action hero Jason Bourne, played by longtime friend Matt Damon, acquire a sidekick in his next film.
Aug. 10, 1995 #~# O.J. Finds Killer
Minimum-Wage Hike Celebrated With Name-Brand Ketchup #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Two weeks after the hourly federal minimum wage was raised from $5.15 to $5.85, families across the country were still celebrating the historic increase by running their electric fans, buying coveted half-gallons of milk, and, like Charice Williams of Shreveport, LA, purchasing name-brand ketchup to share with loved ones.
Teen's Eulogy Mostly Nickelback Lyrics #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—A eulogy delivered at St. John's Church yesterday by Joshua Gable, 16, for his late friend Darren Hall, 16, was composed almost entirely of lyrics by the Canadian rock band Nickelback, funeral attendees reported. 
Call To Outlaw Texting While Driving #~# According to a new poll, 89 percent of Americans questioned believe that text-messaging while driving should be against the law. What do you think? 
Tom Glavine Ominously Announces He Will Be Last 300-Game Winner #~# CHICAGO—Moments after the last out in his historic 300th pitching win, Mets ace Tom Glavine silenced a crowd of well-wishers by announcing in a cold, emotionless voice that he would be the last ever to win 300 games. "Make no mistake, after me, there will be no one else to win this many games as a pitcher. Ever," said Glavine in tones that froze the blood of all who heard it. "Randy Johnson will not recover from his injuries. [Mike] Mussina will not play, and perhaps not live, long enough. And C.C. Sabathia, I beg you—you are so young, with so much to live for. Do not dance with the devil by attempting to win 300 games now that Glavine has done so." Upon hearing Glavine's chilling declaration, top pitchers Andy Pettite, Barry Zito, and Tim Hudson announced they would retire at the end of the season.
Report: Browns Hoped Quinn Would Hold Out For Months #~# CLEVELAND—Rookie quarterback Brady Quinn agreed to a five-year deal worth $20.2 million, including $7.75 million in guaranteed money, with the reluctant Cleveland Browns Tuesday, despite the team's hopes that Quinn would hold out through the first part of the season. "Last week, negotiations seemed stalled at about a half-million apart, and we were very comfortable with that amount," Browns GM Phil Savage said. "It's unfortunate that it got done so soon, but at least Brady wasn't here for the crucial first few days of camp." Head coach Romeo Crennel said that, while the almost certainly overrated Quinn's signing was unfortunate, there is still ample time for Quinn to suffer a season-ending injury during an exhibition game.
Beckham An Inspiration To Children Who Never Get Put In Game #~# LOS ANGELES—Whether intently watching the on-field action or waving to his family in the stands, David Beckham's impressive display of bench-sitting skills and off-field techniques since joining his new team has had a major impact on both the L.A. Galaxy sidelines and the millions of children who never get playing time. "He makes sitting on the bench awesome. I can't wait to not suit up for our next game," said Jeremy Parker, 9, who is not one of his soccer team's starting 11 players or even one of the seven substitutes. "For our next match, I'm going to dress up in my church clothes and try to hold my cup of Gatorade like Beckham." Leading child psychologists have applauded Beckham's positive influence, saying that as a role model, Beckham shows that it is not whether you win or lose, but how you watch others play the game. 
New Lion Tamer Shocked By Vast Amount Of Paperwork #~# BARABOO, WI—Traveling circus performer Scott Mueller, who said he has dreamed of becoming a lion tamer since childhood, was dismayed Monday to discover that the most death-defying part of his new job is not putting his head into the mouths of ferocious animals, but the abundance of paperwork his profession requires.
Unbreakable Records #~# The assault on the home-run record is all the more remarkable when one considers that it was once thought unbreakable. Onion Sports looks at sports milestones that in all likelihood will stand forever:
Juan Pierre's 72-Game Hitting Streak Lost Amid Recent Flurry Of Baseball Milestones #~# LOS ANGELES—In a weekend that saw Alex Rodriguez hit his 500th home run, Tom Glavine notch his 300th win, and Barry Bonds tie Hank Aaron's career mark of 755 homers, one small but notable accomplishment was overlooked: Dodgers centerfielder Juan Pierre collected a base hit in his 72nd consecutive game, quietly shattering the previous record of 56 games held by Joe DiMaggio. "Huh," ESPN analyst Buster Olney said of Pierre's consistent barrage of at least one hit per game for a span of nearly three months, dating all the way back to May 18 and raising Pierre's average from .265 to .423. "How do you like that?" Reporters were unable to contact Pierre before press time, as they are waiting to see if Bonds will hit No. 756 off Nationals starter Mike Bacsik, who is seeking his fourth consecutive perfect game.
Destruction Of National Pastime Given Two-Minute Standing Ovation #~# SAN FRANCISCO—A sellout crowd rose to its feet and exploded into ecstatic cheers Tuesday night as Barry Bonds completed the downfall of America's most revered sport by hitting a thundering 435-foot shot into the right center field bleachers for career home run No. 756 and tainting baseball's most beloved record.
Grand Theft Auto 4 Delayed #~# Grand Theft Auto 4, the latest installment of Take Two Interactive's extremely popular video game series, will be delayed until after Christmas of this year. What do you think?
Small Town Holds Annual Gay Shame Parade #~# GRAND PLAINS, NE—A tight-knit rural Midwestern farming community commemorated the demonization of homosexuality Sunday with its annual Gay Shame Parade, a three-decade-old tradition that has become a cornerstone of the town's cultural identity.
Report: Iran Less Than 10 Years Away From 2016 #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to an alarming new Department of Defense report combining civilian, military, and calendric evidence, Iran may be as few as nine years away from the year 2016. "Every day they get one day closer," Defense Secretary Robert Gates said during a White House press conference Tuesday. "At the rate they're going, they will reach 2016 at the same time as the United States—and given their geographic position relative to the international date line, possibly even sooner." The report recommended that the U.S. engage in bellicose international posturing, careless brinksmanship, and an eventual overwhelming series of nuclear strikes in order to prevent Iran from reaching this milestone.
Murdoch Buying Dow Jones #~# After years of planning and negotiation, media mogul Rupert Murdoch will be buying Dow Jones and The Wall Street Journal for $5 billion. What changes will he make?
Everyone Should Own A Gun For Protection And Possibly For Suicide #~# For as long as I can remember, our Second Amendment right to own firearms has been under attack. Opponents say having guns creates added dangers, that they hurt more than they help. But what these liberal do-gooders never seem to care about are the innocent families taken hostage and murdered inside their very own homes. Or the women who are attacked while walking back to their cars late at night. Or even the men, in their early 60s, for whom life was going just fine until one day their wife decided that she wanted a divorce. 
This Week, Let's Try A Reading From The Bible I Wrote #~# Excuse me, Reverend Dave? Before we begin, I'd like to make a small suggestion. Now, I know we're all anxious to find out what happens to Issac, and I'm not one to rock the Bible study boat—I'll leave that to Noah! But I've brought something with me tonight I thought we could read, you know, just for a change of pace. It's a new Bible I've written, and I think it's just the thing to break us out of this rut we've been in.
190,000 Guns Lost In Iraq #~# The Pentagon has lost track of nearly 190,000 guns that were given to Iraqi security forces. What do you think?
Congress Approves Surveillance Measures #~# The Democratic-controlled House passed a bill that will allow wide-ranging domestic and foreign eavesdropping that would be  authorized by a secret court. What do you think? 
Tom Clancy Really Happy With How Latest Video Game With His Name On It Came Out #~# BALTIMORE—New York Times–bestselling author and noted putter-of-his-name-on-things Tom Clancy announced Monday that he is pleased with how Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Black Ops came out. 
DNA Evidence Frees Man From Zoo #~# PHOENIX—Years of controversy were finally settled Monday after DNA tests conclusively proved that Duane Panovich, an attraction at the Phoenix Zoo for the past 11 years, was indeed a human being, and not a reticulated giraffe from southwestern Kenya.
California Voting Machines Hacked #~# A team of hackers commissioned to test the security of California's voting machines were able to find several security flaws that enabled them to alter votes. What do you think?
McCain Late To Debate Due To Greyhound Delays #~# DES MOINES, IA—Citing a series of unanticipated disruptions to the Greyhound bus service, a red-faced and breathless Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) arrived 50 minutes after the start of the Republican presidential debates Sunday. According to the beleaguered candidate, a series of departure delays, missed transfers, and a flat tire outside Oxford, OH forced him to arrive at the outskirts of Iowa's capital five minutes before the debate was about to begin. "To the esteemed people of Des Moines, the ABC viewers at home, and moderator George Stephanopoulos, I'm sorry I'm late," McCain said as he assumed his position behind his assigned podium and fastened his lavalier microphone to his lapel. "I would've called, but I was out of minutes on my prepaid cell phone." As the broadcast ended, McCain sprinted backstage to relieve himself and fill his suit pockets with complimentary bottled water and the contents of a cheese platter.
Tragic Event Forces Man To Spend Rest Of Life Confined To Office Chair #~# WILMETTE, IL—The life of recent college graduate Jeremy Fahey was forever changed earlier this month when the once outgoing and carefree student succumbed to a job offer at a local insurance claims firm, an unforeseen and tragic event that will most likely keep him confined to an office chair for the rest of his life.
August 6, 1903 #~# Black Still Color Of Choice This Fall
Indoor Grill Owner Can't Wait For Start Of Autumn #~# ELGIN, IL—Indoor-cookout enthusiast Tom Lafferty said Monday that he is looking forward to the arrival of autumn so he can "plug in the old grill" and start enjoying the indoors. "It's still way too summery out, but once we get that first chill of the season and people start climbing into their sweater vests again, it can only mean one thing: time for some of Lafferty's famous grilled eggplant!" the 37-year-old customer service representative said. "Plus, I got a second grill last week, so I'll be able to cook up to two veggie kebabs at once." In the meantime, Lafferty said he plans to take advantage of his enclosed air-conditioned backyard deck.
FEMA Slow To Investigate Toxic Trailers #~# FEMA is under fire for being slow to investigate reports by Hurricane Katrina victims who testified they've fallen ill from high levels of formaldehyde in their FEMA-provided trailers. What do you think?
Various Deities Still Sorting Through Victims Of Tragic Queens Bus Accident #~# NEW YORK—An emergency coalition of deities from several major world religions is still sorting through the wreckage of a tragic bus accident that claimed 67 lives Friday in the culturally diverse Jackson Heights neighborhood of Queens.
Barry Bonds Not Certain He'll Be Present For His 756th Home Run #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Barry Bonds added his voice to the chorus of criticism surrounding his inevitable breaking of the all-time home-run record Monday, saying he was "so sick and damn tired" with the constant comment that he himself may not be present for the feat. "Hank Aaron, Bud Selig, all these guys making a big deal over whether or not they'll be in the stands when Bonds finally does it—I think I'm starting to know how they feel," Bonds said. "Hell, I don't even like the guy that much. If the team allows me to sit that one out, I just might." Bonds admitted that he would, however, watch the historic moment on television, albeit with the sound off.
Craig Biggio Blames Media Pressure For Stalling At 285 Hit-By-Pitches #~# HOUSTON—The intense pressure and scrutiny that comes with attempting to break Major League Baseball's all-time hit-batsman mark, a once-thought untouchable record that has stood at 287 for over a century, came to a head yesterday when Craig Biggio lashed out against the media, blaming an avalanche of news coverage and reporters' ceaseless questioning for his recent hit-by-pitch slump. 
Pallbearers Move Bill Walsh's Coffin Down Church Aisle In Series Of Short, Precise Passes #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Funeral services for legendary football coach Bill Walsh began Wednesday as friends and family of the offensive innovator bore his coffin down the aisle of the San Francisco Unitarian church in a series of short but precise passes, finally placing Walsh's earthly remains on the bier with a moving display of West Coast-style pallbearing that took a respectful nine minutes to cover over 85 steps. "This was exactly the way Coach would have wanted it," said Joe Montana, who overcame his evident grief to lead multiple platoons of well-coordinated mourners including Mike Holmgren, George Seifert, Tony Dungy, Jerry Rice, and Walsh's wife and children in a series of scripted passes that took advantage of the timing and teamwork Walsh drilled into his loved ones during his life. "Bill Walsh believed that good football should be elegant, almost beautiful, and involve everyone's strengths, and though it might sound corny, we wanted his memorial service to be the same way." Several prominent football figures in attendance said it was the most impressive memorial display since the 1970 funeral of Vince Lombardi, who was finally laid to rest in a grinding series of brutal pulling-guard sweeps that utterly overpowered the opposing Chicago Bears.
Imaginary Brain Tumor Spreading Rapidly #~# CUMBERLAND, MD—Independent bookstore cashier Jay Graham has an imaginary brain tumor that is quickly spreading through his body and will ultimately reach his lungs, kidneys, and bones unless he receives treatment immediately. 
Pirates GM Unable To Trade Xavier Nady For Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter #~# PITTSBURGH—Despite a series of phone calls to Yankees general manager Brian Cashman made right up to Tuesday's 4 p.m. trade deadline, Pirates GM Dave Littlefield was unable to secure the rights to surefire Hall of Famers Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter in exchange for those of rightfielder Xavier Nady. "I don't understand… This was a trade that could have benefited both teams," said Littlefield, frustrated by the Yankees' refusal to consider the trade even after Littlefield sweetened the deal by offering shortstop Jack Wilson for pitcher Mariano Rivera. "We would have gained sorely needed offense in the infield, while the Yankees had a chance to get a little younger and pare payroll at the same time. Plus, they could have bolstered their defense, as Xavier plays first base, too." Littlefield also confirmed that that the St. Louis Cardinals had pulled the plug on a potential Shawn Chacon-for-Albert Pujols deal at the last second.
How Athletes Beat Steroid Testing #~# As performance-enhancing drugs become increasingly sophisticated, so do the methods for detecting their use. Onion Sports explains some of the techniques top athletes employ to beat steroid tests:
Report: NBA Considering Firing Tim Donaghy #~# NEW YORK—Saying allegations that veteran referee Tim Donaghy bet on and manipulated the games he officiated were "disappointing at best and potentially disturbing at worst," NBA commissioner David Stern admitted that the league had considered going so far as to fire Donaghy despite his years of experience as an NBA official. "He's on thin ice at the moment, that's for sure," said Stern, while also noting that Donaghy had worked a number of very close playoff games, experiences he believed said a lot about Donaghy's character. "At the very least, we'll have to move him into a relatively harmless position where he would have no overt influence on the NBA, such as, say, an assistant accounting director at NBA Financial." Stern went on to note that whatever disciplinary action was taken by the league would be chosen so as not to send the wrong message to the players, whom he believed should not be made to fear they might lose their jobs for the tiniest screw-up.
Tom Snyder Dead At 71 #~# Late night talk-show host Tom Snyder died Sunday after a long battle with leukemia. What do you think?
Activision Reports Sluggish Sales For Sousaphone Hero #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—Despite a catchy 1890s soundtrack and realistic-feeling game play, Sousaphone Hero, the third installment of Activision's massively popular Guitar Hero video game franchise, sold a mere 52 copies in the United States in its opening week, the company reported Monday. 
Heroic Man Rushes Into Movie Theater, Saves 4 Seats #~# KING OF PRUSSIA, PA—In what eyewitnesses are calling a "selfless display of true courage," moviegoer Michael N. Kincaid, 39, rushed headlong into an empty cineplex Monday to save four seats for the 7:35 p.m. showing of Live Free or Die Hard. 
Arizona News Choppers Crash #~# Two news helicopters crashed in mid-air while covering a high-speed chase in Phoenix, leaving no survivors. What do you think?
There's No Such Thing As Bad Publicity #~# Ever since I snagged this gig as White House communications director last year, I've gotten my fair share of condolences from friends and strangers alike. They tell me they wouldn't want to be in my shoes, what with President Bush's approval rating bottoming out. Well, if they had any understanding of how great and exciting my job actually is, they'd be trying to wrestle those shoes right off my feet and squeeze them on! 
My Man's Intuition Tells Me My Neighbor Wants To Sleep With Me #~# I don't even know what you'd call it—a sixth sense, a little voice, a certain gut feeling—but every man has a special, indefinable intuition about the unspoken matters of the heart. I first noticed mine when I was a teenager. Sometimes it's vague, other times it's a sensation you feel right in your core, but whatever it is, I always pay it heed, and it's never steered me wrong. 
Attorney General Under Scrutiny #~# Lawmakers have raised questions about Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' recent testimony to Congress, demanding a perjury investigation. Which of his statements are under scrutiny?
New Fig Newtons Ad Preys On Inherent Human Weakness #~# NEW YORK—A television commercial for Nabisco's Fig Newton bars that debuted Friday preys on a wide range of innate human weaknesses, from greed and gluttony to the compulsive need for self-gratification in an otherwise cold and uncaring world, industry sources reported Monday. 
Utah Polygamist Convicted #~# Warren Jeffs, the leader of a polygamous Mormon splinter group, was found guilty of being an accomplice to rape for marrying  a 14-year-old girl to a 19-year-old man. What do you think?
Class Clown Has Nothing On Wilmot Proviso #~# KENNESAW, GA—During his American history class at Hebron Elementary School Wednesday, fifth-grader Jake Hensley was unable to produce a single hilarious disruptive comment regarding the Wilmot Proviso, an 1846 rider to a Congressional appropriations bill that attempted to outlaw slavery in the territory acquired from the Mexican–American War. 
Scientists Ask Congress To Fund $50 Billion Science Thing #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Top physicists from several major American universities appeared before a Congressional committee Monday to request $50 billion for a science thing that would further U.S. advancement science-wise and broaden human knowing.
Donovan McNabb Has Perfect Game For A Black Quarterback #~# PHILADELPHIA—With 381 yards passing, four touchdowns, and a perfect passer rating of 158.3, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb had a perfect game for a black quarterback during Sunday's victory over the Detroit Lions, members of the sports media reported. "Quite frankly, I didn't think a black quarterback could put up those kinds of numbers, and I don't think anyone else did either," football analyst Peter King said during NBC's Football Night In America. "Now that I have seen it, it makes me wonder what an average white quarterback, say Tom Brady or Peyton Manning, would have done against the Lions. You have to think they would have had over 500 yards passing, eight touchdowns, and even a better-than-perfect 250 rating." King added that he has been disappointed with the play of New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees, saying that he needs to elevate his standard of play to that expected of a Caucasian quarterback if the Saints have any hopes of returning to the NFC Championship game. 
Starbucks Music Giveaway #~# Starbucks announced that they would be giving away 1.5 million songs a day for one month to promote their music arm and iTunes deal. What do you think?
Magglio Ordonez, Placido Polanco Stay Up All Night Talking About Favorite Hitting Situations #~# DETROIT—Following their game against the Twins Tuesday, Tigers outfielder Magglio Ordonez and second baseman Placido Polanco stayed in their hotel room all night, giddily discussing their favorite in-game hitting situations. "Definitely 2-0 count, one out, runners on the corners, and a lefty on the mound—definitely," Ordonez said, giggling excitedly as he explained how he would sit on a fastball on the outer half of the plate and drive it to the right-center gap. Polanco reportedly shrugged, saying, "That's pretty good, but picture this: right-handed pitcher, day game, on turf, full count, and…runners on first and second. This way, the runners are off with the pitch, and the first baseman would be shading the line to protect against the extra-base hit, so bam, I just punch it right through the hole. Oh, oh, and what about the old one-out, 1-1 count hit-and-run? Can't go wrong with a classic." The two then mentioned how great it would be to hit with a runner on third and less than two outs in October, at which point they both sighed, fell silent, and went to bed.
LaDainian Tomlinson #~# Tomlinson might be today's best running back, but he's not without his flaws.
New York Giants Locker Room Somber After Embarrassing Win #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Mere moments after their gutsy and much-needed last-minute win over the Redskins Sunday, Giants players and coaches found themselves depressed, despondent, and driven to the brink of giving up at the outcome. "There were times during tonight's game when I really didn't think we could do it," said receiver Plaxico Burress, who was rewarded for his brilliant game-saving last-minute 33-yard touchdown catch and run with a congratulatory chewing-out by Tom Coughlin in front of the entire team. "And you know what? Even though we won, I still don't think we can do it. Coach is right—we're a bunch of losers who just don't have what it takes." Coughlin said he was "disgusted and satisfied" with the team's utter lack of motivation and confidence and says he plans to have morale completely destroyed in time to miss the playoffs.
Unusual Sports Injuries #~# In light of the knee injury Padres outfielder Milton Bradley suffered while arguing with an umpire, Onion Sports presents a catalog of some of the more bizarre injuries in sports:
Every Bill Reminds Congressman Of Ex-Wife #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Ever since his divorce from his wife of 22 years became final in June, Rep. Chuck Brunet (R-NC) sees "Mary's face in every piece of legislation" that comes across his desk, the Oklahoma lawmaker told reporters Tuesday. 
Tearful Rex Grossman: 'I Was Intercepted A Lot As A Child' #~# CHICAGO—Bears quarterback Rex Grossman, responding to being benched following his three-interception performance in a loss to the Dallas Cowboys, had to stop speaking in order to wrestle with his emotions at a post-game press conference Tuesday in which he tearfully admitted to reporters that as a child his friends and family would abuse him mercilessly on the football field by repeatedly picking off all of his throws. "I grew up terrified of what my mother or father would say if I took a sack, so I'd just throw the ball up for grabs as hard as I could," said Grossman, recalling a post-Thanksgiving-dinner outing in which his parents intercepted every pass meant for his friends and vice versa. "My first memory is playing touch football in my backyard and just wishing that the game would end, but they just seemed to go on forever. I'd just close my eyes and throw the ball and pray it would reach the right person, but my dad, uncle, creepy older cousin, or best friend always seemed to take advantage of my poor throws." A sobbing Grossman also confessed that his childhood pet Rocky, an elderly cocker spaniel, would often come up from behind him while he was holding the ball and nuzzle it with such force that he would fumble.
NHL Giving It Another Try Despite Advice Of Friends, Family #~# NEW YORK—Despite hints, suggestions, and outright pleas from its friends and family members to "stop embarrassing [themselves]," National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman announced yesterday that NHL players, team management, and league officials will in fact go through with their plans to attempt the 2007-08 season. "I understand that playing hockey is what they love to do, but at some point they have to ask themselves if all the time, energy, and money they're spending is really worth it," Bettman's wife Shelli told reporters, adding that the NHL has been "going at it" for 90 years and doesn't seem any closer to entering the mainstream now than when it started. "I just don't want to see anyone have their feelings hurt any more, is all." According to Bettman, her husband has promised that if things don't turn around for professional hockey this year, he and the rest of his league would give something else a try. 
Over-Optimistic NFL Doctor Says Injured Bills Player Kevin Everett Will Fly Out Of Hospital #~# HOUSTON—Less than a month after Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett suffered a life-threatening dislocation and fracture of his cervical spine that was predicted to leave him with permanent neurological damage, enthusiastic National Football League physicians attending him at Houston's Memorial Hermann hospital have announced that Everett will not only make a full recovery from injury, but will most likely gain the power of flight and soar out of the hospital under his own power.
Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In an unexpected move that shocked White House staff and stunned the nation, President George W. Bush arrived unannounced at the Oval Office Monday. 
Google Launches ‘The Google’ For Older Adults #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The popular search engine Google announced plans Friday to launch a new site, TheGoogle.com, to appeal to older adults not able to navigate the original website’s single text field and two clearly marked buttons.  “The Google will have all the same information currently found on regular Google, but with the added features of not stealing your credit-card numbers or giving your computer all kinds of viruses,” said Rick Tillich, The Google project director. “All you have to do to turn the website on is put the little blinking line thing in the cyberspace window at the top of the screen, type ‘thegoogle.com,’ and press ‘return’—although it will also recognize http.wwwthegoogle.com, google.aol, and ‘THEGOOGLE’ typed into a Word document.”  Tillich added that he hopes the site will soon replace Yahoo Internet Website.com as the most popular search engine for users over 55.
Dollar Weakest In 31 Years #~# For the first time since 1976, the Canadian dollar has achieved parity with the American dollar. What are the factors behind the slide of American currency?
I'm In An Open Relationship With The Lord #~# With Jesus as my personal Savior, I felt like I had it all. But then we hit a rough patch, and before long, I was beginning to question both my faith in Him and His commitment to me. At one point, it seemed the relationship was doomed. But I did a lot of soul searching, and together we found a solution that fit both of our needs by adopting an alternative theological lifestyle.
No Police Report Can Truly Capture My Love Of Drunk Driving #~# If you were to go by the public records alone, you'd get the wrong impression of me. You'd think that I was some kind of common lawbreaker who's had multiple run-ins with the authorities for operating motor vehicles under the influence of alcohol. You'd think I'm just some guy who goes out, gets plastered, stumbles to his car, and drives home like it's no big deal. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. No matter what the police reports say, I don't drive drunk. I love to drive drunk. I live to drive drunk. It's my passion.
Steroid Bust Nets 124 #~# The DEA participated in an international steroid sweep that resulted in the arrest of 124 people, as well as the seizure of 11.4 million doses of drugs. What do you think?
Marcel Marceau Dead #~# Famed French mime Marcel Marceau is dead at 84. What do you think?
Guy At Bar Had Similar Experience, But Better #~# KENT, OH—A story narrated to a group of friends Friday night was almost immediately overshadowed by an anecdote from 28-year-old John Kiley, who informed everyone present that when he experienced almost exactly the same situation, the circumstances  were far more interesting. 
Chinese Authorities Execute 10 Million Recalled Toys #~# BEIJING—In an attempt to assure the world's children that the millions of Chinese-made toys currently being recalled for containing toxic lead paint and tiny choking hazards can no longer hurt them, high-level Chinese officials announced Tuesday that millions of playthings are being rounded up and immediately put to death.
New Wes Anderson Film Features Deadpan Delivery, Meticulous Art Direction, Characters With Father Issues #~# LOS ANGELES—Fans who attended a sneak preview Monday of critically acclaimed director Wes Anderson's newest project, The Darjeeling Limited, were surprised to learn that the film features a deadpan comedic tone, highly stylized production design, and a plot centering around unresolved family issues.
Peruvians' Mysterious Illness #~# Nearly 150 Peruvians claim that they have been made ill by a meteor that crashed in Carangas a week ago. What do you think?
Rhino, Tickbird Stuck In Dead-End Symbiotic Relationship #~# POLOKWANE, SOUTH AFRICA—After three rainy seasons together, a black rhinoceros and a parasite-eating tickbird are beginning to suspect that their symbiotic relationship has fallen into a rut, the couple reported Sunday.
Area Man Has Sad Little Routine For When He Needs Cheering Up #~# TIPTON, IN—Wes Mendic, a grown man who works at a pool-supply store and lives all by himself, finds solace in a series of sad, piddling little activities when he is feeling down, he reported from his tiny one- bedroom apartment Tuesday. 
Arby's CEO Arrested With Trunk Full Of Stolen Horsey Sauce #~# ATLANTA—Arby's CEO Roland Smith was arrested and charged with unlawful possession of a controlled condiment Tuesday when a Georgia state trooper found 40 kilos of stolen Horsey Sauce in the trunk of Smith's car after pulling him over for erratic driving. 
Phil Spector Jury Deadlocked #~# After seven days of deliberation, the jury in the murder trial of legendary rock producer Phil Spector said they were unable to reach a consensus. What do you think?
Exhausted Doctor To Wake Up Early, Finish Surgery In Morning #~# LOS ANGELES—Just moments after successfully stopping his patient's heart at 10:30 p.m. Tuesday, bleary-eyed surgeon Dr. Dennis Kelly called it a night and decided to finish performing quadruple bypass surgery on Harold Cruz, 67, in the morning.
Tiger Woods Looking For More Competitive Golf Tour #~# ATLANTA—Following his dominating performance at this year's Tour Championship, in which he not only ran free of the field with an overpowering eight-shot victory but also took home the first ever FedEx Cup Championship, 13-time major winner Tiger Woods told reporters Sunday that he is looking to participate in a more competitive golf tour during the 2008 season. "Don't get me wrong—I love to play golf, I love to win, and I've loved the time I've spent on the PGA Tour, but winning this easily isn't making me any better," said Woods, adding that he has been searching online and making numerous phone calls to locate a golf tour where the players are "at least twice as good as the opponents I've faced up until now." "It's not about the money, as I'll play for free if I know I'm being pushed to even half of my ability." Woods added that he would consider playing certain PGA Tour events next year if Commissioner Tim Finchem allows him to spot the field 10 strokes, play at night, and use only a single golf ball and a 2-iron.
Guy At Bar Complaining About His Job Turns Out To Be Eli Manning #~# NEW YORK—The staff and patrons of Manhattan watering hole P.J. Clarke's were only mildly surprised Monday night to learn that the gangly young man at the end of the bar grumbling about his occupation in a southern drawl was in fact Giants quarterback Eli Manning. "Go into the family business, they told me, it's what we've prepared you for—for—for your whole life," the visibly unhappy Manning told bartender Mel Gilchrist, who "really felt for the poor sap" even before recognizing Manning. "But. But! They didn't tell me that people would hate me if I wasn't perfect… I'm not perfect, y'know! I'm not, not—Peyton—and sure enough, they hate me. Not, though, not as much as I hate going to work every day." Upon realizing exactly who Manning was, a sympathetic Gilchrist reportedly bought his next three rounds.
Espionage In Sports #~# The Patriots may have used relatively high-tech methods to gather information on their opponents' strategies, but spying on the other team is nothing new. Onion Sports looks back at the history of sports espionage:
Madonna An 'Ambassador For Judaism' #~# Madonna, meeting with Israeli President Shimon Peres, told him that she was an ambassador for Judaism, despite not being Jewish herself.  What do you think? 
Roger Clemens Officially Earns His $20 Million #~# NEW YORK—After a half-season plagued by inconsistency, injury, and general disappointment, Roger Clemens finally earned the almost $20 million he was signed for when he delivered a six-inning no-decision start against the Red Sox Sunday. "We paid Roger Clemens specifically for his ability to come up big in important games like this, and now that he has done that, I can proudly say that our money was not wasted and that his job here is done," Yankee GM Brian Cashman said of the 6­–6 pitcher with an ERA over 4.00 who has worked seven-plus innings in just three games this entire season. "We hope that Roger will continue to play for us through the remainder of the season, but if he does not want to, he has certainly held up his end of the bargain and is free to go." During a post-game press conference, Clemens noted that since he is focused on winning and is not really concerned about the money, he generously threw in four extra strikeouts for free.
Confiscated Patriots Videotapes Contain Extensive Footage Of Tom Brady Showering #~# NEW YORK—The hundreds of hours of game and practice scouting videotapes that league officials seized from the New England Patriots also include over 100 hours of painstakingly thorough footage of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady in the shower, sources within the NFL competition committee confirmed Tuesday.
Peyton Manning Apologizes For Cheating One Time When He Was 5 #~# TERRE HAUTE, IN—Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning was barely able to compose himself as he apologized to his family, friends, coaches, team, and fans Tuesday, tearfully admitting that he had in fact cheated during a 1981 game of hide and seek by deliberately hiding inside his house even though it had been declared off-limits. "Although I was young, I still knew right from wrong, and youth is no excuse for my actions," the two-time NFL MVP told reporters during a 90-minute press conference. "This was no way for the best player to ever play football, let alone quarterback, to act. I'm willing to accept any punishment the NFL wishes to hand down, whether they choose to suspend me for the first a quarter of a game or even for an entire first half." Despite leaving a total of 54 messages on Roger Goodell's voicemail, Manning said the NFL commissioner had yet to inform him of any punishment. 
City Of New Orleans Inspiring Saints To Get Over Latest On-Field Disaster #~# NEW ORLEANS—After Sunday's devastating loss left a once vibrant New Orleans football team in a state of total disrepair and all 53 Saints players despondent, awash in despair, and bereft of any hope for salvation, members of their fanbase have decided not to abandon their devastated team and to instead offer support in their time of extreme need. "Mere weeks ago this was a great football team, and it will rise up and be great once again," Ninth Ward resident Darius Jenkins said. "Some may say this disaster was inevitable, that the team should have been prepared for a collapse after seeing the warning signs the week before, but this is not a time to live in the past. We must support them as they rebuild." Beleaguered Saints quarterback Drew Brees said Monday that he hopes the tragic events that transpired inside both Raymond James Stadium and the RCA Dome will never happen again, adding that the sights and sounds were "ghastly," "appalling," and "showed professional football at its worst."
Tennessee Titans vs. New Orleans Saints #~# Next week's Monday night game pits stumbling, directionless  1-1 Tennessee against a stunningly underperforming 0-2 New Orleans team that many had picked to win the conference. Onion Sports analysts list the crucial points for both teams. 
14 American Apparel Models Freed In Daring Midnight Raid #~# LOS ANGELES—Acting on information gathered from billboards, alternative weeklies, and Internet banner ads, an FBI strike team liberated 14 dazed, sallow, and undernourished American Apparel models in a raid on the controversial organization's downtown Los Angeles compound early Monday.
I Couldn't Possibly Accept Your Offer Of Basic Cable Plus Showtime For Just $33 Per Month #~# Let me start by saying that I am flattered by this gesture. We barely know each other, and you come to me with this—well, there's no other word for it—generous offer. $33 for more than 200 channels, plus free Showtime for one year? What have I done to deserve such an enormous gesture of magnanimity? As far as I can see, the only qualifications I have as a cable subscriber are having a residence and a cable outlet.
Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Jury, Marry Me #~# Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client, Mr. Hayes, has been accused of a most heinous crime. An unspeakable crime. Over the past few weeks, the prosecution has bombarded you with diagrams and photographs and eyewitness testimony in hopes of convincing you that my client killed a man in cold blood. They want you to sentence Mr. Hayes, a devoted father and businessman, to life without the possibility of parole. But before you go back into that jury room and send an innocent man off to die in prison, there is just one question I must ask each and every one of you.
Putting Pressure On Iran #~# The White House is looking at deterring the Iranian nuclear program with new sanctions. What measures have been proposed?
Coworker Not Nearly As Fun Drunk As Originally Suspected #~# WOBURN, MA—Accustomed to his fun, easygoing personality and solid status as the office cutup, Nick Bianchi's coworkers at Pierce Communications said they were shocked. Friday when the 32-year-old sales associate dispelled assumptions that he would be a "riot" when intoxicated. "Nick probably had about five shots during the first half hour we were at Leary's [Tavern], and then he started muttering under his breath," said tech support specialist Michael Derrone, who may have been told to "go fuck" something by Bianchi, though Derrone was uncertain. "He just sat there and  glared at us while we played darts. Apparently, he really hates all of us." Bianchi is also suspected of keying project manager Kyle Doolan's car after leaving the bar.
Microsoft Fine Upheld In Court #~# Europe's second highest court recently upheld the European Commission's 2004 decision to fine Microsoft 497 million euros for antitrust violations. What do you think?
Fred Thompson Fears Presidential Run Will Typecast Him As Politician #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Veteran character actor and Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson expressed worries to reporters Tuesday that a successful White House bid could spell "total career death." 
France Says Prepare For Iran War #~# France's Foreign Minister, Bernard Kouchner said that the world must prepare for the prospect of war if Iran obtains nuclear weapons.  What do you think?
Russia Tests Largest Conventional Bomb #~# Russia successfully tested the largest airborne non-nuclear bomb, delivering a blast four times more powerful than the U.S.' "Mother of All Bombs." 
Sequel-Hungry Nation Demands Production of Click II #~# LOS ANGELES—As the summer movie season comes to an end, hundreds of thousands of deeply disappointed moviegoers converged on Los Angeles this weekend to demand that Hollywood finally honor their wish for a sequel to the Adam Sandler comedy Click. 
Science Fiction Writer Admits Unstoppable Killing Machine Based On Mother #~# SEATTLE—At a book signing Tuesday, science fiction writer Ryan Lowell shocked fans when he confessed that the 300-ton, multi-tentacled, indestructible killer robot in his debut novel, Mind Games, was actually modeled on his own mother, 56-year-old Margaret Lowell of Wichita, KS.
Description Of Sexual Fantasy Changing With Girlfriend's Reaction #~# HOUSTON—Local resident Ethan Kendler's description of his sexual fantasies to girlfriend Rebecca LaBatt veered awkwardly from the kinky to the banal Sunday, as a raunchy but emotionally honest expression of carnal desire degenerated into inoffensive, marginally erotic entreaties.
Bush To Withdraw 30,000 Troops #~# President Bush announced a plan to withdraw 30,000 troops by next summer. What do you think? 
Hundreds Line Up Overnight For Opening Of New Homeless Shelter #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Traveling from as far away as park benches on the other side of town, hundreds of rabid temporary housing enthusiasts lined up overnight Friday in hopes of being among the first admitted to the city's newest homeless shelter.
Scientists Isolate Area Of Brain That Doesn't Like Poking #~# BETHESDA, MD—After an extensive six-month study using an electroencephalogram and a finger, researchers at the National Institutes of Health have discovered the section of the human brain that responds unfavorably to poking. 
Prison Libraries Pulling Books On Faith #~# Chapel-run prison libraries are pulling certain unapproved books on faith, fearing that they may fuel recruitment for militant religious groups. What do you think?
Hubris Rewarded #~# LOS ANGELES—Hubris, the theoretically fatal sin of overweening pride, failed to lead to the tragic downfall of high-powered executive Ted Carson, 49, who was instead rewarded with a promotion Monday to a junior partnership at the incredibly successful talent agency Farber & Schenk. 
Eagles Fans Give McNabb Three-Week Deadline To Win Super Bowl #~# PHILADELPHIA—Frustrated with the Eagles' last-second 16-13 loss to the Green Bay Packers last Sunday, and with quarterback Donovan McNabb's failure to single-handedly score three touchdowns, prevent two of his teammates from muffing punts, or block any of Green Bay's field goals, thousands of Philadelphia fans demanded that McNabb win an NFL championship for Philadelphia sometime within the next three weeks.
Randy Moss Complains He's Getting The Ball Too Much #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—After posting his most productive receiving performance in eight years during his Patriots debut, Randy Moss told reporters that he was frustrated with the amount of catches he was being forced to make. "I'm already tired of doing all the damn work around here," said Moss, who caught nine passes for 183 yards and a touchdown in what he called a "grueling" afternoon. "Would it kill Tom Brady to maybe look for Donté [Stallworth] once in a while? Or maybe even try and hand it off? No, it's 'Throw it to Randy! Throw it to Randy!' all day long out there. It's like suddenly I'm the best receiver in the world as far as they're concerned." Moss also commented that the team had asked him to sprint "way too hard" during running plays.
FedEx Cup Chase Intensifies As PGA Multiplies All Scores By 1 Million #~# ATLANTA—Responding to criticism from players and fans that the inaugural year of the PGA Tour's FedEx Cup Championship has failed to become the climactic season-ending event that tour officials had hoped, Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem announced  yesterday that every player's current FedEx points total would be multiplied by 1 million. "I think the chase for the FedEx Cup is even more incredibly exciting now," Finchem told reporters during a press conference Wednesday from East Lake Golf Club, site of the year-ending Tour Championship. "Did you see that Tiger Woods has an astounding 30,574,000,000 points? Sure, Vijay Singh is still proportionally the same distance behind him with 19,129,000,000, but just look at the size of those scores. How could anyone see those and not be excited?" When informed of the commissioner's decision, Tiger Woods cast doubts on the validity of the FedEx Cup and all of the PGA Tour's long-term goals by saying "I don't care."
Michigan Drops To Division III In Polls Following Second Loss #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Coaches and players reacted philosophically Tuesday to the news that Michigan, which fell out of the USA Today polls' Top 25 following their loss to Appalachian State, is now ranked in Division III after a disastrous defeat at the hands of Oregon. "Naturally, I disagree with the voters, but as long as we're here, I think we owe it to our fans to try and make it to the [Div. III championship] Stagg Bowl at the end of the year," said Wolverines coach Lloyd Carr, who has led Michigan to four straight losses and their first 0-2 home season start since 1959. "I just hope the voters in this division's poll keep an open mind and take our strength of schedule into account." Michigan is currently ranked seventh in Division III football, ahead of fan-favorite Wesley but behind perennial powerhouse UW-LaCrosse.
Lovable Prankster Pedro Martinez Admits He Was Never Really Hurt #~# NEW YORK—Following another impressive start Monday, enigmatic but lovable Mets clubhouse joker Pedro Martinez informed reporters that he was "just kidding" about his arm injury, rotator-cuff surgery, and yearlong stint on the DL, playfully shrugging his shoulders and grinning in a fashion Mets officials are calling "vintage Pedro." "Boy, are our faces red," said Mets GM Omar Minaya, chuckling and shaking his head at the stunt, perhaps Martinez's craziest to date and one which has cost the team an estimated $16 million. "I can't believe we fell for the old 'torn rotator cuff' gag. Oh, Pedro. What will he think of next?" Mets manager Willie Randolph is planning to play a retaliatory prank on Martinez, which involves leaving him in past the sixth inning of a crucial playoff game.
WNBA Season Highlights #~# Onion Sports looks back at the best moments from the 11th season of women's professional basketball:
Andy Roddick To New Friend Phil Mickelson: 'We're Just Like Roger Federer And Tiger Woods' #~# LOS ANGELES—Despite having a combined 56 fewer career victories, professional tennis player Andy Roddick informed professional golfer Phil Mickelson yesterday during a Make-A-Wish Foundation charity dinner that the two athletes are "just like" professional golfer Tiger Woods and professional tennis player Roger Federer. "He plays golf, you play golf—I'm a professional tennis player, he's a professional tennis player…you have to admit the similarities are striking," Roddick told Mickelson, who vehemently agreed, saying "Yeah, we're totally just like them… The only difference is that they wish they were as cool as us." Woods and Federer were unavailable for comment, as both athletes were reportedly engaged in pleasurable mutual contemplation of the fact that all other people are their physical and mental inferiors, a fact as simple and undeniable as it is immutable.
Ford Reintroduces Model T Line That Made It Great #~# DEARBORN, MI—Still reeling from a $12.6 billion loss last year and a steadily declining customer base, the Ford Motor Company announced plans Monday to invest its entire third- and fourth-quarter manufacturing and advertising budgets into reintroducing the Model T, one of history's best known and most innovative car models.
U.S. Loses 4,000 Jobs #~# The U.S. economy lost 4,000 jobs last month—the largest drop in four years—raising fears of a recession. What do you think? 
Clinton Blasts Obama For Slamming Edwards Jab #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Dissent continued to plague the 2008 presidential campaign this week, as Sen. Hillary Clinton had harsh words for Sen. Barack Obama's recent criticism of blunt remarks made by former Sen. John Edwards over what he called "petty Democratic-party infighting." 
Maybe We Should Try Coddling The Terrorists #~# I want to make myself clear, right from the get-go: I hate terrorism. Those of you who follow the Factor know that I have never been a fan. Never will be either. I think what they do, particularly to children, violence-wise, is unforgivable.
It's Not Too Late To Join Jeansperience '07! #~# Finally, after weeks and weeks of wishing and hoping and planning and dreaming, Jeansperience '07 is happening this Saturday! Needless to say, I'm soooo excited to meet some of my biggest fans and give them a first-ever opportunity to experience the places in my life as well as get to know me personally! And if you're still kicking yourself for not signing up by the Aug. 30 deadline, take heart (and tie a pillow around your sore rear!)—there's still several seats available in the van I've chartered! And I'm still not sure whether Bobbi, Mr. Benedict, and this friend of my buddy Fulgencio who likes to wear eyeliner have entirely committed. 
Bin Laden Called 'Virtually Impotent' #~# President Bush's Homeland Security adviser Frances Townsend referred to the figurehead of Al-Qaeda as "virtually impotent." What do you think? 
Nation Suddenly Feels Old After Seeing Nick-At-Nite Lineup #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—The American people were thrust into a profound existential crisis Sunday after noticing that nostalgia-programming network Nick-at-Nite has begun airing reruns of such seemingly recent sitcoms as Full House, Mad About You, and The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air.  "Murphy Brown? But I remember watching that when it was on regular TV," said Schaumburg resident Sam Kemp, 34, who along with millions of others nationwide was forced to confront his own mortality upon learning that the late-'80s Candice Bergen sitcom now qualifies as classic programming from television's distant past. "Why are they playing shows from 1988? That's only…fuck, that's 19 years ago? Oh God, I've wasted my life."  To escape thoughts of the swift, relentless passage of time and their own inevitable deaths, Kemp and 120 million others stayed up until 4 a.m. watching a marathon of vintage Roseanne episodes.
Kid Nation Debuts #~# Kid Nation, a CBS reality program that places 40 children in a deserted town in the New Mexico desert with no adult supervision, premieres September 19. What do you think?
Gen. Petraeus Delivers Iraq Report #~# Gen. David Petraeus gave his report on the effectiveness of the troop surge in Iraq to Congress Monday. Here are some of the most significant points:
CEO's Funeral A Networking Dream #~# NEW YORK—The funeral for Bank of America CEO David Kessler, intended as a solemn remembrance of the 73-year-old's life, quickly developed into a networking dream for executives who attended the service at Beth Israel Synagogue Tuesday. "This [funeral] couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me," said public relations executive Sarah Freeman. "All the biggies were there—Intel, McDonald's, Citigroup, Nike. I've collected about 25 business cards in the last hour alone, handed out dozens more." Freeman added that although she wasn't initially planning on attending the burial, she cleared her afternoon schedule when she found out Viacom CEO Philippe Dauman would be in attendance.
Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8 #~# CHICAGO—Music, a mode of creative expression consisting of sound and silence expressed through time, was given a 6.8 out of 10 rating in an review published Monday on Pitchfork Media, a well-known music-criticism website.
Town Hall Meeting Gives Townspeople Chance To Say Stupid Things In Public #~# NEW BEDFORD, MA—In a true display of democracy, a town hall meeting held at the New Bedford High School auditorium Monday gave the crowd of approximately 550 residents the opportunity to publicly voice every last one of the inane thoughts and concerns they would normally only have the chance to utter to themselves.
Historic Pretzels-For-Little Debbie Swap Sparks Heavy Lunchtime Trading #~# BOULDER, CO—Lunchtime trading at the Franklin Elementary Snack Exchange was up 34 swaps at the closing recess bell Tuesday, an unprecedented frenzy of activity triggered by the trade of a Ziploc bag of Herr's Extra Thin Pretzels for a Little Debbie Fudge Brownie. 
Number Of Blacks In Military Down #~# A Defense Department report states that the percentage of blacks among active-duty recruits fell from 20 percent to 13 percent since the Afghanistan and Iraq wars began. What do you think?
Loser Friend Sort Of Doing Better #~# ANAHEIM, CA—Despite a long history of unstable living arrangements, failed relationships, and an overall inability to get his shit together, Ted Harmon's life may have slightly improved since anyone saw him last, friends of the longtime loser reported Monday.
Goodell Too Busy To Enjoy NFL Season Opener #~# NEW YORK—Claiming that he personally was required to get everything precisely right in order for the world to enjoy the opening football games of the season, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell found himself unable to enjoy the season opener Thursday, as he was too busy with exhausting, time-consuming preparations. "I have such a busy NFL schedule that I don't have time to watch football for even a minute," said Goodell, who stayed up late the night before laying out each team's uniforms, cooking 2.2 million hot dogs, and applying paint to the league's facilities and fans. "Wait, did I put clean towels in the visitors' locker rooms? I really must take care of that right after I mow the NFC North's fields one more time. They look a little shaggy." Goodell, who hasn't had a free moment in weeks, was also concerned that the RCA Dome wouldn't have enough seats for everyone and said he should probably bring some more up from the basement.
Great College Football Traditions #~# College football is as much about pageantry and fan involvement as it is about the game. Onion Sports takes a look at some of college football's great traditions:
'Unbeatable' Checkers Program Designed #~# Scientists at the University of Alberta have developed a computer program that can never lose a checkers match, making checkers the most complex game solved to date. What do you think?
Kenny Lofton Thinks He's Putting Finishing Touches On Hall Of Fame Career #~# CLEVELAND—Apparently oblivious to the fact that his lifetime statistics, while repectable, are not worthy of admittance into baseball's most exclusive club, Indians outfielder Kenny Lofton actually believes he is adding the final flourishes to what he deems a Hall of Fame career. "Four more stolen bases and I'm up to the magic 6-2-5," said the man who led the American League in singles in 1993 and finished in the top 26 of MVP voting four times. "All I've got to do is bump the old career average from .299 to .300, maybe get a few more triples, and I can punch my ticket to Cooperstown." Lofton, who noted that he was also "a very good bunter—perhaps one of the best in the 1990s"—is still deciding whether he should enter the Hall as an Indian, Astro, Brave, White Sox, Giant, Pirate, Cub, Yankee, Phillie, Dodger, or Ranger.
Study: Retired Dads Busier Than Ever #~# NEW YORK—A recent survey published in AARP The Magazine indicates that 95 percent of the nation's retired dads are in fact "busier than ever," despite the absence of meaningful, full-time employment. 
New Orleans Saints Relocated To Help Heal Utah #~# NEW ORLEANS—In light of the much-needed inspiration, heightened morale, and sense of community the hurricane-ravaged city of New Orleans experienced during the Saints' 2006-07 season, the NFL has decided to move the team to Utah, where recent mining disasters have left residents emotionally devastated. "Drew Brees, Reggie Bush, Coach Payton—your success on the field has given a beleaguered city reason to hope," the NFL's relocation directive read in part. "But now, six terrified men—men trapped 1,500 feet underground, and, for all we know, dead—need the inspiration of knowing that their hometown team is laying it all on the line for them." The Saints say they will comply with the request as soon as the city receives the $2.2 billion in federal aid it was promised in 2005, enabling more than 300,000 city residents and Saints fans currently living out of state to begin returning to their homes.
Michael Vick: 'I Also Ate Kittens' #~# RICHMOND, VA—In yet another installment in his series of recent confessional and contrite televised press conferences, suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick apologized to his fans, teammates, and the National Football League on Wednesday for devouring the living flesh of four-to-eight-week-old kittens. "I did not by any means eat kittens for every meal, but I cannot deny I ate them," said Vick, saying he felt that although this was not necessarily the best time, he should just come clean. "Kittens just taste really good, as their meat is lean, yet tender and surprisingly juicy. Oh, and eating them is wrong—I know that now, and I am sorry." Vick added that he and unnamed companions would work up such an appetite from a long day of fighting, forcibly breeding, and slaughtering dogs that they could barely contain themselves and would often snap off their furry little heads and suck out the insides before they even left the parking lot, a practice of which he is now "very ashamed."
Brady Quinn Leads Browns Into Post-Preseason #~# CLEVELAND—Establishing a reputation for quarterback performance that football insiders have called "reasonable," Browns quarterback Brady Quinn silenced his critics and stunned his coaches, teammates, and family by performing competently enough in his limited play during preseason games to put the Cleveland Browns in 2007 post-preseason contention.   
Study: Casual Sex Only Rewarding For First Few Decades #~# ARLINGTON, VA—An alarming new study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health reveals that casual sex, the practice of engaging in frequent, spontaneous sexual encounters with new and exciting partners, may only provide unimaginable pleasure and heart-pounding exhilaration for, at most, 25 to 30 years.
New Secret Service Agent Disappointed There Are No Decoy Presidents #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Rookie Secret Service agent Daniel Ferris, 32, expressed disappointment Monday upon learning there is not a series of elaborate decoy presidents, either human and robotic, designed to throw off would-be assassins, terrorists, and evil madmen bent on world domination. 
Bro, You're A God Among Bros #~# You know you're one of my top bros, bro, because you got my back. And I got yours. You're my bro. But you went above and beyond the other night, bromaldehyde. You really did. Saving me that seat at the Velvet Revolver show, even though all those other bros were trying to get up front, bro? So clutch. 
The Troubled Life of Amy Winehouse #~# Friends and family have been in the news recently urging British pop singer Amy Winehouse to quit using drugs, saying that she has a problem. What have the warning signs been?
From The Beaches Of Normandy To The Streets Of Paris, My Platoon Was A Bunch Of Pussies #~# Like many good men my age, I was in the Big One, and I can tell you firsthand that war is hell. It's day after horrifying day of your worst fears come true. And when it came time to face those fears and be men, I could always count on my fellow leathernecks in the 202nd, without fail, to knuckle under and scatter like frightened little children.
America Most Armed Nation #~# The 2007 Small Arms Survey indicates that the United States is the most armed nation in the world, with 90 guns for every 100 citizens. What do you think?
Housing Prices Fall Sharply #~# The prices of U.S. homes fell by 3.2 percent in the second quarter, the steepest in 20 years. What do you think?
Mortgage Market Collapse Threatens Nation's Banner Ad Industry #~# NEW YORK—With the mortgage market reeling from massive loan defaults, analysts are now predicting disaster for the banner ad industry.
Nameless Hurricane That Much More Terrifying #~# MIAMI—South Florida residents were overcome with fear, confusion, and an unnerving sense of dread Tuesday when they learned that an unidentified hurricane is heading for their area—its origin uncertain, its intentions unclear, and perhaps most frightening, its name unknown. 
Afghan Opium Yields Highest Ever #~# Cultivation of opium poppies in Afghanistan reached a record level for the second year in a row, rising by 60 percent. What do you think?
Researchers Find Link Between Education, Smartness #~# BOSTON—A study released Tuesday by the Lyman Center for Policy Evaluation and Strategy may have uncovered a link between school-based education and human smartness. 
Area Man Likes To Compare Circle Of Friends To Cast Of Lost #~# EVERETT, WA—After re-watching the last six episodes of the show's first season Tuesday night, local resident Sam Krewalski, a 29-year-old data-entry clerk and avid Lost fan, mentioned yet again that the diverse cast of characters featured in the hit ABC drama "totally reminds [him]" of his circle of eight friends.
Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of Nation #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In an event unprecedented in American history, Brandon Myers, a relatively obscure Iowa 10-year-old with no previous experience in domestic politics, took advantage of a clear leadership void and seized control of the United States Tuesday after he slipped away from his White House tour group and locked himself in the Oval Office.
Banking Industry On Hard Times #~# The banking industry is being hit hard by the subprime loan collapse. Bank of America laid off 3,000 workers and Merrill Lynch posted its first quarterly loss in six years. What are banks doing to make up the loses?
If I Die, Please Finish This Sandwich #~# It's never pleasant to think about, but the fact is, someday I will die. It's true that I am in relatively good health and should have many more wonderful years ahead of me. But it would be irresponsible of me not to be prepared for the worst. It's a dangerous world we're living in, and who knows what tomorrow will bring? Therefore, with a heavy heart, I must make my last wishes known.
I'm Quite Eccentric Within Accepted Societal Norms #~# Last week, I was feeling a little, but not excessively, crazy. I'd fallen into a boring routine and it was time to shake things up. So you know what I did? I got out this loud Hawaiian shirt and wore it to work. Work, of all places! You should have seen the look on my coworkers' faces when I strolled through the door in that outlandish shirt and also brought bagels for everyone. They probably thought the boss was going to call me on the carpet for that kind of restrained zaniness, but I had the foresight to wear a tie over the shirt, making the whole wacky display well within dress code.
Pool Cues Go Unused In Disappointing Bar Fight #~# SIOUX CITY, IA—Patrons of the Clover Leaf Tavern expressed dismay Saturday after a fight between Jeffrey Kline, 32, and James Dougherty, 30, ended without either participant breaking one of the establishment's numerous pool cues over the other's head.
Iraqi Diplomat Draft? #~# The State Department has said that it may force Foreign Service staff to serve in the U.S. embassy in Baghdad if they do not get enough volunteers to fill 40-50 vacancies. What do you think?
Political Scientists Discover New Form Of Government #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Political scientists at the Cato Institute announced Monday that they have inadvertently synthesized a previously theoretical form of government known as megalocracy. 
The Child Labor Gap #~# Clothing retailer The Gap Inc. was forced to disavow a factory in India that was revealed to have been employing young children to make Gap clothing under horrible conditions. What do you think?
Gerbil Growing Distant #~# TEMPE, AZ—Calling his pet "a  completely different gerbil" than the one he brought home from the store, Doug Kerlin, 34, told reporters Tuesday that he fears the small mammal is growing increasingly distant.
Roomba Maker Unveils Military Robot #~# The manufacturer of the home-vacuuming robot Roomba unveiled a military robot that can be fitted with guns and carry up to 500 pounds. What do you think?
Postmaster General: 'Letter Carrier Surge Is Working' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In testimony before Congress Tuesday, beleaguered Postmaster General John E. Potter stated that last month's nationwide deployment of 25,000 additional letter carriers, a controversial move designed to stem demoralizing mail loss, has been an unmitigated success. 
Sugar Ray Thrilled To Be Playing In Man's Head #~# SAN DIEGO— After nearly four years without a major live show, alternative rock band Sugar Ray announced Monday that they were "thrilled beyond words" to be playing inside San Diego resident Robert Waldie's head.
Colorado Rockies Trademark 'Rocktober' #~# To celebrate their first trip to the World Series, the Colorado Rockies are designating the month of October "Rocktober," and the team is seeking to trademark the term. What do you think?
Report: Everyone In Hollywood Great Friends #~# LOS ANGELES—A study released today by the University of California, Los Angeles is sending shockwaves through the social, behavioral, and publicity sciences, after finding that everyone in Hollywood is close personal friends with everyone else in Hollywood.
Area Man To Start Curling His 2s #~# BURLINGTON, VT—After nearly 30 years of forming his 2s in a  "sober, ordinary" fashion, local resident Howard Shorn announced his intention Monday to begin placing a small curl at the bottom of the popular number. 
World Series Flyover Turns Out To Be Full-Scale Airstrike #~# BOSTON—Chaos and destruction marred the opening of the World Series when Air Force B-52 bombers scheduled to make a ceremonial flight over the stadium before the start of Game 1 instead executed a series of low-level carpet-bombing runs and dropped an estimated 500 tons of incendiary and high-explosive munitions, utterly destroying Boston's historic Fenway Park. "It was horrifying—I was expecting four or five planes, but they just kept coming over the right-field stands, and suddenly the sky was full of bombs," said Anthony DiSilva, a Boston fireman who was in attendance with his wife and two sons when the first wave of aircraft targeted the ballpark. "When they hit, the earth just convulsed… I saw gouts of fire erupt from the stands, watched the Sox dugout collapse like a kicked anthill, and then we were engulfed in sheets of flame. It's a miracle no one was hurt." The Air Force has issued an apology for the oversight and is sending disaster relief personnel to help the grounds crew prepare the park for Game 2.
Terry Francona Announces Josh Beckett Will Start Games 1, 4, 7, 2, 6, 3, 5 #~# BOSTON—Boston Red Sox manager Terry Francona announced Tuesday that the Colorado Rockies would receive a healthy dose of pitcher Josh Becket during the 2007 World Series, saying that the ALCS MVP would start games one, four, seven, two, six, three, and five, in that order. "I don't think this should come as a real shock to anyone," Francona told reporters, adding that with this schedule, Beckett should get "more than enough rest" between games one and four, which would allow him to be at maximum strength for games seven, two, and, if necessary, six, three, and the crucial fifth game. "Looking at the pitchers I have at my disposal, this gives us the best chance to win." According to Francona, Beckett should also be ready to pitch in late-inning relief of himself in games four and six, close games seven and three, and pitch on three hours rest if needed.
Small Change In Procedure Wendy's Manager's Crowning Achievement #~# MERIDIAN, ID—Manager Duane Robert's 12-year career at Wendy's climaxed in a moment of triumph Tuesday, when his longtime condiment policy limiting the number of barbecue-sauce packets handed out to customers was given an official entry in the Florence Street franchise's employee manual. 
The Most Boring Records In Sports #~# When the Titans found themselves unable to score on eight different possessions last Sunday, Tennessee placekicker Rob Bironas was able to break the NFL field-goal record. In honor of his achievement, Onion Sports presents other less-than-thrilling sporting milestones:
Miami Dolphins Wonder If They'll Have End Zones In England #~# MIAMI—While preparing for their upcoming game in London against the New York Giants, the struggling Miami Dolphins spent most of the week's practices trying to answer questions concerning differences in the football itself, whether the gaps in a British line were numbered backwards, and whether or not England has end zones. "All right…I know when you cross the Atlantic that the strong side is the weak side and weak side is the strong side, so you drive down the opposite side of the field," said Dolphins quarterback Cleo Lemon, who confessed he was concerned about the team's two-minute drill since he was not sure of the length of the British minute. "But, if I'm right-handed, I don't have to throw with my left, do I? And how do we get first downs since they don't have yards over there? I knew I should have watched NFL Europe when it was still on." Lemon added that he was worried that the ball would spiral in the opposite direction in England, although the coaches had reassured him he was thinking of Australia.
Red Sox Attempt To Break Fabled 'Curse Of Relief Pitcher Curtis Leskanic' #~# BOSTON—The Boston Red Sox, who have failed to win a single World Series since the departure of relief pitcher Curtis Leskanic in 2004, are attempting to defy the odds and do the impossible: reverse the curse of the journeyman reliever whose ghost has haunted this team since the mid-2000s.
Rockies Complain About 'Thick' Fenway Park Air #~# BOSTON—Although Colorado players, managers, and coaches said they would not issue a formal complaint about the playing conditions in Boston, the Rockies have gone on record as saying the "thick, soupy sea-level air" in the city made it unusually difficult for them to play baseball. "Seriously, I can barely push my bat through this stuff," said Rockies slugger Matt Holliday, who collapsed and had to be administered less oxygen after Wednesday's practice. "I was hitting them as hard as I could out there and the ball was still returning to the earth. We might as well be playing in quicksand." Other Rockies players were equally vocal in their criticism of the hostile atmosphere in Boston, with Kaz Matsui claiming he found it hard to slide through the viscous air and Willie Taveras aggravating a recent thigh injury while attempting to stand up quickly.
Nervous Joe Girardi Blows Interview With Yankees #~# TAMPA, FL—Former manager of the year Joe Girardi blamed "rustiness and an extreme case of nerves" after blowing his interview for the New York Yankees head coaching position yesterday. "It started to go bad when I forgot my resume at home, got worse when I called Steinbrenner 'Mr. Steensbaum,' and it went straight downhill from there," said a flustered Girardi, who also blanked on the names of Yankee legends Babe Ruth and Joe DiMaggio, told his potential boss that in five years he saw the Yankees being a .500 baseball team, and called Johnny Damon the next Mickey Mantle during the hour-long interview with Hank Steinbrenner and general manager Brian Cashman. "Then, in order to say something that would set me apart from other candidates, I told Mr. Steinbrenner that if I got the job I would move Mariano Rivera to the starting rotation. That didn't go over so hot." When Steinbrenner asked Girardi who he thought should be the manager of the Yankees, Girardi named Joe Torre, saying that he couldn't think of anyone else who deserves the position more, knew the team as well, or would do anywhere near as good a job. 
Bin Laden Tape Urges Iraq Unity #~# In a new audio tape, Ossama bin Laden encourages Iraqi insurgents to stop infighting and unite against the occupying forces. What do you think?
Lethal Injection Ban Leads To Rise In Back-Alley Lethal Injections #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—To all outward appearances, "Kevin" is a typical Southern state governor. He enjoys vetoing bills, attending ribbon-cutting ceremonies, and hanging out with friends. But the recent suspension of lethal injections in 10 states has put Kevin's political life in serious jeopardy. Unable to wait for the U.S. Supreme Court to determine whether the practice constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, Kevin, like many young governors who find themselves saddled with an unwanted death row inmate, has been forced to take desperate action and obtain an illegal back-alley lethal injection. 
Middle School Dispenses Birth Control #~# After 17 pregnancies were reported in its three middle schools in four years, the school board of Portland, ME, voted to allow the middle school health services to prescribe birth control. What do you think? 
It's Not Easy Being A Frotteur #~# I know what you're thinking: Surreptitiously rubbing one's crotch against nonconsenting women in crowded areas in order to achieve sexual arousal sounds like a walk in the park. But whenever I hear someone talking about how "simple" it must be to be a frotteur, I just have to laugh. 
Writers Strike Looming #~# The contract for the Writers Guild of America, the organization to which most writers for television and film belong, expires on Oct. 31, prompting fears of a strike. What are the sticking points in the negotiations?
Slow Down, Technology! #~# If any of my loyal readers felt a cold draft when opening this morning's paper, it's because hell just froze over. That's right! Ol' Roger "No thanks, I'll stick with my 8-Track" Dudek bought a brand-spanking-new laptop. Now I know what you're thinking, "Ha ha! You, Rog? With a laptop? That would be the biggest disaster since the Titanic let the blind guy steer!"
Doll-Housing Crisis Set To Worsen, Mean Older Brother Says #~# DAYTON, OH—According to 5-year-old Janie Wright's mean older brother, Dave, 8, if unsuitable borrowers Ken and Barbie continue to default on their high-risk subprime mortgages, it could spell the worst doll-housing crisis to hit the plastic couple since someone threw their dream home's roof out a window. 
Scientists Theorize What Would Happen If They Touched A Cloud #~# CHICAGO—A group of scientists from the University of Chicago raised new questions during an international nephology conference held there Tuesday, speculating what would happen if physical contact were initiated with a cloud, the weather phenomenon described as a visible mass of condensed water suspended in the troposphere.
Rowling: 'Dumbledore Is Gay' #~# At a public appearance at Carnegie Hall in New York, author J.K. Rowling announced that Dumbledore, the headmaster character in her popular Harry Potter series, is homosexual. What do you think? 
Not-So-Horrible Thing Happens In Iraq #~# BAGHDAD—In a development Pentagon officials are calling not nearly as horrifying as usual, three car bombs ripped through a Baghdad marketplace Monday, killing fewer than 15 innocent civilians, severely injuring no more than 30, and merely maiming one U.S. soldier.
Boomers On Social Security #~# The first U.S. baby boomer, born one second after midnight on January 1, 1946, has applied for Social Security benefits. What do you think?
FDA: Juicy Green Apple Conditioner Best Used With Juicy Green Apple Shampoo #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a warning issued by the Food and Drug Administration Monday, a generous amount of Suave Naturals Juicy Green Apple Conditioner should always be applied evenly and massaged into wet hair after washing with Suave Naturals Juicy Green Apple Shampoo.
First Orgy After Brian's Death Very Solemn #~# FAIRFIELD, CA—Lacking the exuberance, spontaneity, and airborne bodily fluids of previous all-night fuckfests, the first orgy since the passing of group-sex enthusiast Brian Hodge was a solemn and subdued affair, heavily lubricated sources reported Monday.
Oct. 19, 1931 #~# Recently Opened Empire State Building ‘Giant-Ape Proof,’ Say Architects
Entire Precinct Made Up Of Loose Cannons #~# LOS ANGELES—Thirty-four lone-wolf detectives and beat officers from Los Angeles' 77th Police Precinct received unpaid three-month suspensions Monday for unprofessional and insubordinate conduct that their chief said he's tolerated for the "last goddamn time."
Drug-Resistant Staph Widespread #~# A study from the Centers for Disease Control found that potentially deadly drug-resistant staph infections were more prevalent than originally believed. What do you think?
Police Horrified By Grisly Remains Of Taco Bell Meal #~# TAMPA, FL—Local authorities were reportedly appalled and disgusted after discovering the brutalized remains of a Taco Bell meal strewn across a table at one of the fast-food chain’s Tampa locations Monday. 
Both Teams Satisfied With Three-And-A-Half Yard Carry #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Players on both the anemic Kansas City Chiefs offense and the porous Cincinnati Bengals defense celebrated with high-fives, hugs, and minor victory dances when the Bengals managed to stop a rare positive gain by the Chiefs running game during the first quarter of Sunday's game at Arrowhead Stadium. "Getting almost two feet more than their league worst 3.1 yards-per-carry average could be a huge momentum builder for the Chiefs," said CBS announcer Rich Gannon, who had initially expected Chiefs running back Larry Johnson to slip and fall down behind the line of scrimmage, run straight into his blockers, or fumble while the Bengals linebackers either attempted weak arm tackles or overran the play completely. "Still, you really have to like what the Bengals did on that play by allowing only a few yards before tackling the runner. Both of these teams are really setting the tone right now." Gannon added that he didn't know how long these two teams could continue to play over their heads and execute at such an average level.
Nervous University Of South Florida Football Team Kind Of Hoping They Lose #~# TAMPA, FL—Saying that their No. 2 national ranking is "not something we really want or need at this point," nervous University of South Florida head coach Jim Leavitt told reporters at the team's afternoon practice yesterday that he "more or less was hoping" that his team would lose one or more of their next several games. "Look, our program is barely 10 years old—we're the type of team that goes out there and tries hard, maybe gets a few points on a ranked team here or there. We don't contend for national titles," said a visibly flustered Leavitt, adding that had he known beating Central Florida 64-12 last Saturday would make the Bulls the No. 2 team in the country, he would have fielded his second-string offense in the second quarter. "Leave all this 'win or go home, play for a title every year' nonsense up to the Ohio States or the LSUs. That's not our thing. Maybe a few years from now, but certainly not this year." After realizing that his team matched up quite well with the rest of USF's remaining opponents, Leavitt reportedly contacted the NCAA to discuss downplaying the difficulty of the remainder of the season.
Midnight Madness #~# As the 2007 NCAA basketball season gets underway, Onion Sports reports on the midnight festivities on campuses across the nation:
'95-'96 Prayers Finally Answered #~# HEAVEN—Explaining that He had been "absolutely swamped," God announced yesterday that He was finally able to find time in His busy schedule to answer a portion of the 1995 and 1996 prayer backlog.
Terry Francona Sends Eric Gagne Down To Made-Up Triple-A Team #~# CLEVELAND—Following Eric Gagne's 11th inning meltdown in Game 2 of the ALCS, Red Sox manager Terry Francona informed the reliever that he was being temporarily demoted to the "Appleton Red Wolves," a completely fabricated Triple-A team that, unbeknownst to Gagne, Francona made up right on the spot. "I don't agree with the move, but if Terry thinks I need some time to work on my mechanics, then it's my job to report to Appleton, a town which Terry told me is somewhere in central Minnesota and where he assured me all the buses go if you just get on one and ride for a couple days," said Gagne, who in reality cannot be removed from the ALCS roster unless of injury. "According to Terry, it's a great little town, and their fans—the Wolf Pack, as they're apparently known—are really eager to see me pitch. And on the plus side, Terry said that if the Sox make it past the ALCS, they'll wait for me to come back before starting the World Series. So hey, win-win." At press time, Gagne is standing alone on the mound of an overgrown Little League field in St. Paul. 
Dolphins To Distract Patriots While Browns Get Them From Behind #~# MIAMI—The winless Miami Dolphins have conspired with the Cleveland Browns in an attempt to finally defeat the unbeaten New England Patriots by catching them in a "trap game," sources from both teams reported Tuesday. "Right, here's the plan: We take the field on Sunday and pretend to play football as usual. But just as the Patriots are about to score their third touchdown, we'll all suddenly tell them to 'look over there' and point at the stands," a Dolphins player who refused to be named reportedly told the Browns squad in a secret closed-door meeting Monday. "When the Patriots are distracted, we'll give you the signal. That's when you sneak up behind them, grab them, drag them into the visitors' locker room, switch uniforms with them, and come back out and let us win. Which is okay because everyone will think we're beating the Patriots. Not by too much, though—it has to look convincing or else people will suspect." The Dolphins are reportedly considering scrapping the idea, however, as sources inside the team suspect that Brady Quinn accidentally blurted out the entire plan while having lunch with the Patriots yesterday.
Dan Marino Hosts Hour-Long HBO Special Celebrating Favre's Interceptions #~# NEW YORK—Dan Marino, the former Dolphins quarterback, former multiple NFL all-time record holder, and current co-host of HBO's Inside The NFL, was the host, producer, and head writer of the hour-long HBO special Mr. 278, which aired Monday and commemorates Brett Favre breaking the all-time record for interceptions. 
Madonna, Warner Bros. Part Ways #~# Madonna left her longtime music label Warner Bros. for a 10-year, $120 million contract with the world's largest concert promoter, Live Nation. What do you think?
MLB.com Executive Casually Reminds Harold Reynolds Not To Sexually Harass Anyone #~# CLEVELAND—MLB.com programming executive Martin Fried reminded recently hired baseball analyst Harold Reynolds in a matter-of-fact manner Monday that Reynolds should take care not to sexually harass anyone at any point before, during, or after his Game 3 coverage of the American League Championship Series. "Ah, Harold, just wanted to remind you to keep a close eye on how David Ortiz's knee is holding up, and that you probably shouldn't try to get that Grady Sizemore interview too close to game time or, say, sexually harass the new female production assistant. And, oh yeah, most important, remember to monitor Mike Timlin's pitch count—could be an interesting development," the e-mail to the former ESPN anchor read in part. "Basically, have fun, just be natural up there, and don't do anything I wouldn't do. Seriously, don't. Thanks." Reynolds was unavailable for comment, but according to his e-mail records, he has received similar reminders every day since he began working for MLB.com in July.
Tony Stewart #~# Tony Stewart is a complex mix of aggression and talent in remarkably unequal measure.
U.S.-Turkey Relations Cool #~# Turkey recalled its ambassador to the U.S. and warned there would be dire consequences if Congress passes a resolution classifying the massacre of 1.5 million Armenians between 1915 and 1923 as genocide. What do you think? 
Sears Gold Card Holder Pushing Weight Around Area Sears #~# MCKEESPORT, PA—Auspiciously attired in khaki Dockers and a Structure-brand blazer, longtime Sears Gold MasterCard holder Larry Halfhill, 52, used his elite status to order around employees and cut in front of non-gold-card-carrying customers at the retail chain, sources at West Hills Shopping Center reported.
If Elected, I Will Have The Hottest First Lady In U.S. History #~# My fellow Americans, in the coming presidential election, the voters of this nation will plot a course for the future. There are many candidates, each of whom brings a different vision of that future. But only one has the conviction and strength to lead this great country. Only one is a popular television and film actor ready to face the challenges of the 21st century head-on. And, most importantly, there is only one candidate with a bombshell trophy wife nearly a quarter-century younger than himself.
Fifty Years Of Space Exploration #~# This month marks the 50th anniversary of the launching of Sputnik, the earth's first artificial satellite. What are the highlights of these first 50 years of space exploration?
You're Not My Real Stepdad! #~# You can't tell me what to do. You're not the boss of me. You're not the guy who married my mom after she got divorced. You think you can just show up and start ordering me around like you're the father figure I first met when I was 8? Well, you're not, and I don't have to listen to a stupid word you say, because you're not my real stepdad!
Fifty Years Of Space Exploration #~# This month marks the 50th anniversary of the launching of Sputnik, the earth's first artificial satellite. What are the highlights of these first 50 years of space exploration?
NBC Universal To Buy Oxygen #~# NBC Universal has agreed to pay $925 million for Oxygen, the media company designed to attract women. What do you think?
It Only Tuesday #~# WASHINGTON, DC—After running a thousand errands, working hours of overtime, and being stuck in seemingly endless gridlock traffic commuting to and from their jobs, millions of Americans were disheartened to learn that it was, in fact, only Tuesday. 
Man Sentenced To 3 Months Probation For 17th-Degree Murder #~# ST. LOUIS—Jury members in the murder case against real estate agent David Steffen said that the angry message Steffen left on victim Ron Meyer's cell phone, which Meyer was listening to when he was struck by an oncoming car, was "more than enough" evidence to convict Steffen of 17th-degree murder.
Conceptual Terrorists Encase Sears Tower In Jell-O #~# CHICAGO—In what is being called the first conceptual terrorist attack on American soil, the landmark Sears Tower was encased in 18 million tons of strawberry gelatin early Monday morning, leaving thousands shocked, angry, and seriously confused.
Death Of Miss Moneypenny All TNT Needed To Run Monthlong Bond Marathon #~# ATLANTA—The Sept. 29 death of actress Lois Maxwell, best known as flirtatious secretary Miss Moneypenny in 14 James Bond films, was all the excuse TNT needed to run a monthlong Bond movie marathon, according to sources at the cable network. The Bond marathon comes just weeks after last month's, which aired because the granddaughter of the actor who portrayed Q found out she was accepted to Cambridge University. 
Laura Bush: U.S. To Condemn Burma #~# First Lady Laura Bush said Tuesday that the White House was ready to slap sanctions on the Burmese military government if it did not move toward democracy. What do you think?
Reaganomics Finally Trickles Down To Area Man #~# HAZELWOOD, MO—Twenty-six years after Ronald Reagan first set his controversial fiscal policies into motion, the deceased president's massive tax cuts for the ultrarich at last trickled all the way down to deliver their bounty, in the form of a $10 bonus, to Hazelwood, MO car-wash attendant Frank Kellener.
Bisexual's Parents Half-Understand #~# EVANSTON, IL—The parents of recently admitted bisexual Jeremy Lambert said they completely half-understand their 19-year-old son's lifestyle choice and are 50 percent behind him no matter what happens, sources reported Monday. "I can honestly say that I partially accept my son for the special person he is," said Kenneth Lambert, 44, adding that nothing would ever change that. "I know it must have been tough for him to come out and tell us part of what he had to say. He should be very proud of half of himself."While Lambert's mother Lisa has remained silent on the matter, many believe that, unlike her husband, she is almost three-quarters accepting of her son. 
Atlantic City Mayor Resigns #~# After an absence of nearly two weeks in which his whereabouts were largely unknown, Robert W. Levy, mayor of Atlantic City, NJ,  returned to office only to resign. What do you think?
Piping-Hot Calzone Missing #~# WEST ORANGE, NJ—A piping-hot calzone was reported missing from the break room kitchen of a local Enterprise car-rental office Wednesday.
Trent Green Holds Press Conference To Announce Long String Of Vowels #~# MIAMI—Just two days after he was knocked unconscious by a violent blow to the head and carried off the field on a stretcher, concussed and disoriented Dolphins quarterback Trent Green called a press conference Tuesday in order to address reporters with a series of sustained, low-pitched vowel sounds. "Oooooooooooo, eeeeeeooooooooo oooouuuuoooooo uuuueeeooo," moaned the 13-year veteran, addressing questions about his fitness after suffering a grade-three concussion when Texans defensive tackle Travis Johnson's knee collided with the side of his head as he attempted to cut-block the 315-pound player. "Aaaaaaaaa aaaaaaa aaaaa a aieeeeee-aaaaaaa aaa ooo aaaauuuuuuuuuuu, ai ai ai… ai aaaaaaoooooo." While doctors said Green was far from ready to return to the playing field, drive a car, or dress himself, they did feel that in three to six weeks, he would have recovered sufficiently to retire from football under his own power. 
All-Time Greatest Upsets #~# Stanford's defeat of top-ranked USC is merely the latest upset in a season that has already held more than its share. Onion Sports runs down some of the most shocking ever:
Police Tasers Deemed Safe #~# A recent independent study determined that Tasers are generally safe in the hands of the police. What do you think?
Torre, Steinbrenner Have Most Awkward Bathroom Encounter Of Their Lives #~# NEW YORK—The tension and unspoken hostility between Yankees manager Joe Torre and owner George Steinbrenner following the New York Yankees' elimination from the 2007 postseason created the most awkward bathroom encounter yet in their long association, men's room sources reported Monday. "George was already in [the bathroom] standing at the urinal, and when Joe opened the door and saw him, it was as if the room had the air completely sucked out of it," said office manager Derrick Glass, adding that the situation became more uncomfortable when, after realizing all the stalls were occupied, Torre was required to use the urinal next to Steinbrenner's. "They briefly acknowledged one another, but I would call their nods of greeting curt at best." According to Glass, the tension was broken ever so slightly when general manager Brian Cashman entered and attempted to put all present at ease by saying "So, this is awkward."
Blues At Blackhawks #~# Onion Sports analyzes this early-season meeting between  what are presumably two NHL teams.
Goodell Tells Bills To Use Bye Week To See If Football Is Something They Really Want To Be Doing #~# BUFFALO, NY—Following another devastating loss to the Dallas Cowboys Monday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told the 1-4 Buffalo Bills to take time during their upcoming bye week to reflect on their season thus far and ask themselves if playing professional football is what they really want to be doing with their lives. "I'm not trying to push them in any particular direction," Goodell told reporters after the game, which the Bills lost despite forcing six turnovers, ultimately finding themselves unable to field a last-minute onside kick. "As commissioner, it's my job to put a quality product on the field each and every week and see that there is some kind of parity amongst the teams. I'll be curious to hear, especially if they decide to continue playing, where the Bills think they fit into an NFL that is continuously getting more and more competitive." Though most Bills fans were still too demoralized by Monday night's loss to comment on Goodell's request, those who talked to the media after the announcement said they "wouldn't give a flying fuck if those losers played another fucking football game ever."
Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Retires 'D' Chord #~# CLEVELAND—The D chord, famed for its part in innumerable classic rock songs, including "Back in Black," "Bad Moon Rising," and "Don't Be Cruel," was retired Tuesday during a ceremony at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum.
Piniella: 'Oh, First To Three Wins' #~# CHICAGO—Following the Cubs' first-round elimination from the playoffs, a stunned and confused Lou Piniella asked umpires and reporters to clarify the rules of division-series play, claiming he "could have sworn" that advancing to the NLCS involved losing three games as quickly as possible. "I thought we had the Diamondbacks right where we wanted them—we looked terrible out there, we had all the momentum on their side, and it seemed like the other team was practically trying to win," said Piniella, who claims he began getting suspicious before Game 3 due to the ease with which he lost the first two games. "Though, I guess when you think about it, this way makes lots more sense." Piniella promised that he would attempt to win the games in the NLDS next year should the Cubs amass the 90 losses needed to make it to the postseason.
Patriots Stunned By Mere 17-Point Victory #~# BOSTON—The Patriots organization is reeling this week following their narrow 34-17 victory over the lowly Browns, taking stock of their game-planning methods, philosophy, and indeed their entire season in the aftermath of a game in which they gained barely more than 500 total yards, came within seconds of failing to cover the spread, and scored only twice as much as their opponent.
One Dead, Hundreds Injured As Chicagoans Attempt To Run #~# CHICAGO—One man died and over 300 others were seriously injured in downtown Chicago Sunday when thousands of the city's residents made an ill-advised attempt to get up off of their couches and run at a sustained pace for a distance of nearly 26.2 miles more than they were accustomed. "The stress of the extreme heat, compounded by the sudden activity of long-dormant muscles and the unusual up-and-down pumping motion of many Chicagoans' arms and legs, forced most runners to collapse at the halfway point of the first minute," said Chicago Veteran's Affairs Hospital spokesman Keith Hermann, who is also treating 362 patients for severely chafed thighs. "Some of the runners clearly tried to increase their stamina by carbo-loading for the past 20 to 25 years, but that strategy seemed to backfire. Those most seriously affected have been rushed to special medical lounges, where they are expected to remain motionless for the next six to eight weeks, maybe more." City officials are calling this Chicago's worst tragedy since the Sears Tower elevators went out of service in March of 2003.
NASA Announces Plan To Bring Wi-Fi To Its Headquarters By 2017 #~# HOUSTON—NASA administrator Michael Griffin announced during a press conference Tuesday that the space agency is launching an ambitious mission to make Houston's Johnson Space Center wireless-Internet capable within one decade.
CIA's Authorized Torture Practices #~# The New York Times uncovered memoranda of secret Justice Department legal opinions regarding methods of interrogating enemy combatants. What interrogation practices were deemed allowable?
Why Is It That My Girlfriend Insists On Sticking Around While I Transform Into A Werewolf? #~# There are some things a man should do alone. Watch the game. Go out for a drink with the guys. Grapple with his inner self as the milky blue light of the full moon strikes his skin and triggers the ancient strain of lycanthropy that flows through his veins, forcing his body to undergo a horrific and excruciating transformation from normal man to savage, bloodthirsty wolf-beast. 
Cost Of Freedom At All-Time High #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday, the cost of American freedom has soared from its previous 1779 high of bravery, sacrifice, fighting for what's right, and 25,071 human lives, up to a record bravery, sacrifice, fighting for what's right, 321,932 human lives, personal privacy, peace of mind, honor, liberty, comfort, and $14.2 billion. Even as it reaches unprecedented levels, most Americans have no choice but to pay for the intangible commodity. 
I Just Discovered This Hilarious Comic Strip Called 'Garfield' #~# I don't usually spend a lot of time reading the comics pages (you know me: straight to the real-estate section!), but last weekend I found this great new one called Garfield. Man, oh, man, I suggest you remember the name, because it's going to open up a whole new world of entertainment for you. Trust me. You're going to love it.
Ticket Brokers Under Fire #~# After a slew of instantaneous concert sell-outs, culminating with tween idol Hannah Montana, several states are looking into consumer protection lawsuits to stop ticket brokers from gathering them all up. What do you think?
File Sharer Fined $222,000 #~# A Minnesota woman was fined $222,000 for illegally downloading and distributing 24 songs via the file-sharing network Kazaa. What do you think?
Every Intern At Nonprofit Trying To Solve Refugee Crisis First #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to employees at the nonprofit organization Refugees International, each of the four new fall interns has been trying to impress the staff by being the first to solve the refugee crisis in Burma before their internships end in December. "I don't mind them attempting to levy sanctions against the Burmese junta or coordinate humanitarian airlifts to the oppressed Karen people on their own time, but we really need them to keep the copier full of paper and ensure we have enough pens," said the organization's director, Greg Davidson. "Besides, solving refugee crises is really the responsibility of paid staffers." Davidson added that his idea of a model intern is 20-year-old Dartmouth senior Sarah Frazier, who is quiet during staff meetings, shows little outward ambition, and is pretty.
Thousands March On Washington For A Little Fresh Air, Exercise #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In an inspiring display of mobility, thousands of Americans from every walk of life swarmed the nation's capital Sunday to protest having to spend another minute cooped up in the house.
Radiohead's New Honor System #~# British rockers Radiohead are offering their album as a download and letting fans pay what they want for it. What do you think?
4 Billion Years Of Evolution Unable To Prevent Area Man From Drooling On Self #~# BRESLAU, NE—Nearly four billion years of biological evolution failed to prevent local man Dale Haynes from accidentally drooling all over his pant leg while sitting in his cubicle Monday.
Karate Lessons Give Child Self-Confidence To Quit Karate #~# ENGLEWOOD, CO—After months of being taught to develop courage, inner strength, and other values of the martial arts, Daniel Finkelstein finally achieved the self-confidence necessary to stand up to his parents and quit taking karate lessons, the area sixth-grader reported Monday.
North Korea Dismantling Nuclear Program #~# North Korea will disable all nuclear projects and dismantle its Yongblon nuclear reactor with in exchange for U.S. aid. What do you think?
Aunt Threatens To Devour Helpless Newborn's Toes #~# WALDEN, TN—While family members stood silently by and did nothing, visiting aunt Debbie Koeler proclaimed her desire to consume the "tiny little toesies" of her nephew Daniel, a powerless infant less than one-fifth her size, after the child's christening Sunday. "Who's my little sugar pie? I could just eat you right up," Koeler threatened as she held the vulnerable child above her cavernous mouth and simulated the impending act of cannibalism on his tiny, dangling legs. "I've gotcha! I've gotcha! Yes I do! Yes I do!" Koeler then returned the confused and speechless newborn to the bouncy seat, prodded his abdomen, and disappeared behind her own hands.
Third Amendment Rights Group Celebrates Another Successful Year #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The National Anti- Quartering Association, America's foremost Third Amendment rights group, held its annual gala in Washington Monday to honor 191 consecutive years of advocating the protection of private homes and property against the unlawful boarding of military personnel.
Ricky Williams: 'I Can't Believe I Got Really Baked And Applied For Reinstatement Into The NFL' #~# MIAMI—After smoking three pinners, pulling five monster bong hits, and filling out his forms for reinstatement into the NFL Monday, suspended running back Ricky Williams told reporters he had no idea why he had decided to complete the League's complicated readmission paperwork immediately after getting stoned absolutely out of his mind. "Oh man, I probably shouldn't have gotten so fried," croaked the former Heisman Trophy winner, attempting to address reporters while making an effort to exhale as little as possible. "Do you think they knew I was high? I think they could tell. Shit, I hope they didn't notice, but I think they noticed when I got resin all over the application and then got it stuck to my forehead. I'm so busted. Again, man." Williams said he might go back inside and ask if he could re-reapply, as he was fairly certain he had repeatedly written the word "Why?" and drawn abstract pot-leaf patterns in the section marked "for office use only."
Webster's Reluctantly Adds 'Melty' To English Lexicon #~# SPRINGFIELD, MA—Representatives from Merriam-Webster grudgingly announced Tuesday that, due to the Taco Bell–coined term's recent publication in over 150 newspapers and periodicals, including Food & Wine, The Baltimore Sun, and Time, "melty" would be added to their 2008 collegiate dictionary.
Confused Cubs Think They're Going To Arizona To Start Spring Training #~# PHOENIX—Chicago Cubs players reluctantly followed Coach Lou Pinella's orders to pack their equipment for a trip to Arizona Monday, causing many on the ball club to wonder why they were starting spring training nearly six months ahead of schedule.  "Last offseason I at least got to spend a little time with my family," said Cubs second baseman Ryan Theriot while examining the unusual 2007 MLB Playoff patch on the right sleeve of his jersey. "We must have done something right this season, though, because I heard our first exhibition game is already sold out." Upon their arrival to Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, Theriot's theory regarding the team's improvement was immediately abandoned when he realized that the fans who had gathered to greet the Cubs were in fact booing them mercilessly.
Yankees Decline Wild Card #~# NEW YORK—Saying the American League wild-card bid is "beneath the dignity of the Yankees organization" and "an affront to everything [we] stand for," New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner and manager Joe Torre told reporters during a press conference Wednesday that the Yankees have respectfully declined the opportunity to participate in Major League Baseball's postseason if they have to do so as the American League's wild-card team.
MLB World Series Contenders #~# With baseball's postseason underway, Onion Sports takes its annual look at the playoff teams and their chances to take home the 2007 World Series title:
Arkansas Nuns Excommunicated #~# Six nuns in Arkansas were excommunicated from the Catholic Church for heresy after failing to leave a Canadian sect run by a woman claiming to be possessed by the Virgin Mary. What do you think?
Vlad Guerrero #~# Guerrero is a monster of a power hitter, but is monstrous power enough?
Mets Vow To Win One More Game Next Year #~# After a record-setting collapse which saw the stunned New York Mets squander a seven-game lead with only 17 games left to play in the season and allowed themselves to be eliminated from the playoffs by a single game, manager Willie Randolph vowed that the Mets would in fact win "one more game" in 2008. "Our problem was clearly that we won only 88 games while the Phillies won 89," said the visibly agitated Randolph moments after a season-ending 7-1 loss to the lowly Florida Marlins.  "Next year, we'll just win 89 games, not 88, which is not enough wins. Or maybe we will win one of our games against the Phillies, ideally at Shea, in September, when we have a six-and-a-half game lead. Instead of getting swept. That way we'd just barely win the division outright. Yes. Yes. That's what we'll do. That's exactly what we'll do." When asked to comment on his manager's decision, third baseman David Wright remained crouched in a corner, rocking back and forth and humming tunelessly to himself.
NFL To Place Favre's 421st Touchdown Ball, Receiver, Stadium Into Hall Of Fame #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Mere moments after Brett Favre threw his record-setting 421st touchdown pass, a slant to receiver Greg Jennings in the first quarter of a 23-16 victory against the Minnesota Vikings, the touchdown ball was placed in a locked box, archivists began taking measurements of Jennings, and an architectural firm began planning the dismantling of the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome, all in an effort to move the objects and people in question to the NFL Hall of Fame in Canton, OH. "This is one of the all-time greatest moments in NFL history, and we must preserve as much of it as possible for future generations of fans," said NFL vice president Joe Horrigan while supervising the careful packing of the Vikings secondary against which Favre threw the momentous pass. "I am honored to have been here to see it, especially since that means I'm destined for the Hall of Fame myself." The ball, Jennings, the Metrodome, Horrigan, most of the crowd, and Favre's wife, Deanna and daughter, Brittany will be installed next to Kitrick Taylor, who caught Favre's first NFL touchdown pass in 1992 and has been enshrined in Canton ever since.
Umenyiora Comes Out Of Nowhere To Sack McNabb In Parking Lot #~# PHILADELPHIA—Osi Umenyiora, whose six sacks against the Eagles on Sunday tied him for second on the NFL's single-game  record list, added to that total when he burst out from around the end of Donovan McNabb's Ford Excursion, seized the quarterback by the shoulders, and drove him hard to the pavement as McNabb left practice Tuesday. "Osi just had my number today," said McNabb, who has been less mobile when entering and exiting his car since undergoing  knee surgery in the offseason. "It was a very athletic play, and what's more, it was smart—we never thought to look for him coming across the parking lot like that." Second-year tackle Winston Justice confirmed that Philadelphia's five starting offensive linemen, all of whom who were all hitching a post-practice ride home with McNabb, did not get so much as a finger on Umenyiora.
New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Recovering from minor heart surgery Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney stunned both the medical and political establishments when he mysteriously began to experience love for the first time in his life, sources reported Tuesday.
Blackwater In The United States #~# Since it was reported that Blackwater killed more than 25 Iraqi civilians in a seemingly unprovoked attack, it has also come to light that the security firm has numerous domestic contracts, including post-Katrina security and aiding in the drug war. What other domestic operations is it involved in?
Son, You've Made A Mockery Of Taco Night #~# In 10 years of Taco Night, I've never been so disappointed.
Date Of Apple Backlash Set For March 21, 2008 #~# NEW YORK—In the face of Apple, Inc.'s 3- billionth iTunes sale and soaring stock price, some Wall Street forecasters are predicting that consumers will finally get fed up with the computer manufacturer's high retail prices and various product bugs sometime between March 20 and 22 of next year. 
I'm Still Dazzled By The 2007 Emmy Awards! #~# Item! What do you get when you take the brightest television stars, put them in the best theater imaginable and let the cameras roll? No, it's not a new reality series, but rather the greatest awards show of the summer! I'm talking, of course, about the 2007 Emmy Awards, a celebration of the art of television.
Britney Loses Custody Of Children #~# A judge ruled Monday that Britney Spears must surrender custody of her two sons to ex-husband Kevin Federline because of her alleged substance abuse. What do you think?
Newt Won't Run #~# Stating that the current campaign finance laws preclude a "middle-class candidate" from running for president, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced that he would not run in 2008. What do you think?
Suicide Note Makes Convincing Case #~# SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Though friends and family of Michael Swinton, 15, were initially devastasted upon hearing the news of his recent suicide, many agreed Thursday that the explanatory note he penned prior to his death made surprisingly compelling points supporting his decision to take his own life. 
Overuse Of Enzyme-Based Cleaners May Be Causing Highly Resistant Superstains #~# CHICAGO—The American Association of Laundry Workers released a startling new report Thursday warning against the use of enzyme-based cleansers, alleging that, if abused, the products could create detergent-resistant "superstains." 
Western Gorilla Almost Extinct #~# According to the Western Conservation Union, the Western Gorilla is now closer than ever to global extinction. What do you think?
That 'Full House' Episode Where They Meet The Beach Boys Is On Tomorrow At 3 P.M. #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The United States was placed on high alert this morning as the Department of Homeland Security revealed credible evidence suggesting that tomorrow afternoon at approximately 3 p.m., 2 p.m. Central, ABC Family Channel will air that one Full House episode where the Tanners meet the Beach Boys.
Underfunded Schools Forced To Cut Past Tense From Language Programs #~# WASHINGTON—Faced with ongoing budget crises, underfunded schools nationwide are increasingly left with no option but to cut the past tense—a grammatical construction traditionally used to relate all actions, and states that have transpired at an earlier point in time—from their standard English and language arts programs.
Uninsured Man Hopes His Symptoms Diagnosed This Week On House #~# HAPEVILLE, GA—After being laid off last year from his door-fitting job at the local Ford Motor Company plant, uninsured 35-year-old Chris Thaney has been watching Fox's hit medical drama House to find out why he experiences severe headaches, an inability to urinate, sharp lower-back pains, and numbness on the left side of his body. "This week's episode had a guy who was close to having the same thing I have, but he was just the side patient who says the one thing that gets [Dr. Gregory] House to realize what is actually wrong with the episode's main patient," Thaney said. "The teaser for next week didn't give away much, but you never know." Though Thaney's condition is deteriorating rapidly, he said he may quit watching the show if House does not shack up soon with that cute administrator whose name Thaney can never remember.
D.C. Tops In AIDS #~# The District of Columbia has the highest AIDS rates in the country. What do you think?
'Fire Isiah' Chant Breaks Out During Knicks' Front-Office Meeting #~# NEW YORK—A meeting held at Madison Square Garden Wednesday between New York Knicks ownership and head coach Isiah Thomas was interrupted more than half a dozen times by "Fire Isiah" chants which came at various points throughout the two-hour-long discussion, Knicks officials reported.
Go-Getter Eliminates Two Steps From Grieving Process #~# CORNING, CA—Management consultant and recent widower Greg Pier successfully cut his grieving time by more than a third Friday by eliminating bargaining and depression from the mourning process following the death of his wife. "After three days in denial and a full night of anger, I realized that at that rate, I was never going to get over [wife] Betty's passing," said Pier, who convinced himself it was time to move on with his life after a simple cost-benefit analysis. "What am I supposed to do, mope around all day asking God to take me instead?" Piers noted that his intense grief should be even less time-consuming given his plans to avoid explaining to his children where their mother went. 
Report: NFL Had Previously Warned Sean Taylor About Spending Quiet Evenings Alone At Home #~# MIAMI—Immediately after Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor died from gunshot wounds sustained when an unknown intruder broke into his Florida mansion and assaulted Taylor, NFL officials announced that they had warned the Pro Bowler against indulging in such risky behavior as sleeping quietly in his own home. "We communicated to Mr. Taylor several times that his lifestyle, including his insistence on living in a high-crime city and associating with such known troublemakers as NFL players, was potentially dangerous," a statement from the league's legal department read in part. "Although we are greatly saddened by Mr. Taylor's death, we feel we have lived up to our responsibilities in this matter." Following the announcement of Taylor's death, spokesmen for the league reached out to all NFL players and warned them of the risks of doing absolutely anything whatsoever.
Kendrick Perkins Under Assumption He's One Of Celtics' 'Big Three' #~# BOSTON—Celtics center Kendrick Perkins is operating under the assumption that he is one of the team's "Big Three" players, as evidenced by his post-game comments, a recent Sports Illustrated interview, and the fact that he shouts "Big Three, baby!" while holding up three fingers after every basket he makes. "Any time you put Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and myself, Kendrick Perkins, on a court together, you're going to win a bunch of games—but let's not forget there are two other guys on this team, and their names are Rajon Rondo and Kevin Garnett," Perkins told reporters after his seven-point, two-rebound performance Sunday night. "In fact, if Kevin continues to play the way he's been playing, you may just have to start calling us the 'Big Four.'" Perkins added that this "Big Three" incarnation is even better than 2004's version, which he says included himself, Paul Pierce, and Raef LaFrentz.
Notable Sports Contracts #~# With Alex Rodriguez once again making headlines with a new contract, Onion Sports looks at the long and fascinating history of the intersection of sports and money:
Shaquille O'Neal Stands Flat-Footed Under Basket For Entire Game #~# MIAMI—In a 10-point, three-rebound performance against the Seattle Supersonics last Wednesday, once-dominant 35-year-old Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal played the entire 48 minutes of regulation while standing in the same exact position inches outside the key, only occasionally shifting his arms and refusing to "walk all the way over there" to the bench for substitutions. "I'm still Shaq Diesel," a hunched-over O'Neal told a group of reporters strung along the baseline of the basket while awaiting his team to return from the halftime break. "I started out as a young ninja and defeated all of the shoguns. I am The Big Shogun now, and I'm holding my spot. There won't be another one after me." After taking a moment to catch his breath, O'Neal added that he was looking forward to dominating even more in the second half, as he would then be playing defense.
NFL Fines Chad Johnson For Elaborate Catch #~# CINCINNATI, OH—The NFL Competition Committee levied a $35,000 fine against Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson Thursday for an excessive reception in the fourth quarter of Sunday's game against the Titans. "After conclusively studying the film of Chad Johnson's leaping three-yard touchdown catch, we found that it was clearly a jab at the other team," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who felt the Pro-Bowl receiver's flagrant display of athletic ability was "gaudy" and "went beyond the bounds of good taste." "Did Johnson need to jump that high and stretch his arms that far out in order to catch the ball? I don't really think so… We need to warn him that if he pulls any more aerial stunts like this he will be suspended." Goodell added that he had reason believed Johnson's attention-grabbing end-zone antics were premeditated, and that such catches were rehearsed dozens of times during the week with the full cooperation of his team.
Ricky Williams Most Lucid Dolphin On Field #~# MIAMI—Ricky Williams, the troubled running back whose career has been marred by repeated drug-test failures and whose recent return to the NFL was met with speculation regarding his past marijuana use and current state of mind, is in fact the most mentally stable member of the Miami squad at this time, according to sources close to the team. "Ricky is totally focused on running the ball at this time, unlike our doubt-addled quarterback, our delusional head coach, and our punch-drunk defense," said a member of the Dolphins coaching staff, who also stated that "they are all out to get [him]"and asked not to be named. "Ricky's actually the only guy on this team who seems really mellow, laid-back, and relaxed, and also still has any appetite at all." Williams declined to comment on his mental state, instead inviting reporters into his apartment to just hang out, eat cheese corn, and play Katamari Damacy on his PlayStation.
U.S. Researchers Clone Monkeys #~# Using skin cells, scientists at the Oregon National Primate Research Center have cloned rhesus macaque monkeys and harvested stem cells. What do you think?
CIA: America May Have An Unknown Number Of Secret Admirers #~# WASHINGTON—In testimony before a special panel on domestic safety Tuesday, officials at the Central Intelligence Agency revealed that the U.S. may have anywhere between one and three unidentified secret admirers currently longing for the country.
Trent Lott Resigns #~# Trent Lott, the second-ranking Republican in the Senate, announced that he would be leaving office at the end of the year. What do you think?
Entire Blogosphere Stunned By Blogger's Special Weekend Post #~# NEW YORK—In what is being called a seminal moment in Internet history, a rare weekend post by 25-year-old blogger Ben Tiedemann on his website bentiedemanntellsall.blogspot.com rocked the 50 million-member blogosphere this Saturday. The landmark post, which updated nearly every member of the global online community on the shelf Tiedemann was building, was linked to by several thousand sites, including Daily Kos, Digg, and The New York Times. "Wow, what a special treat this was for all of us," said Talking Points Memo head blogger Joshua Micah Marshal, who, along with all other bloggers, checks Tiedemann's site every day just in case something monumental occurs. "I thought I was going to have to wait until Monday to find out if Ben decided to put [the shelf] in his bedroom or the living room. The pictures were great, too." Within two hours of going live, Tiedemann's 15-word post received 34,634,897 comments.
I Was Too Gone To Go To Work #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been trying to keep myself dry in the shitstorm, you know? First of all, I finally had to wash my car. Now, if it was a nice machine, I would take good care of it and keep her looking fine, but it's just my beater Festiva, and I could give a crap how dirty it gets. I mean, I ain't sitting on it, I'm sitting in it. But it got covered with this sticky crap. I have no idea what it was, but I couldn't open the door or hang my arm out the window without getting it all over me.
FCC Eyeing Cable Regulation #~# The Federal Communications Commission will vote on placing a number of restrictions and regulations on the unregulated cable industry. Here are some of the proposed changes.
I Remember When This Town Used To Turn Out For A River Dredging #~# Back not too long ago, there was a real sense of community in this town. Folks couldn't wait to see one another at the weekly ice-cream social or Little League game. Why, I even recall a time when we wouldn't pass two weeks together without every soul in town coming together on a sunny, cloudless Sunday afternoon—an afternoon just like today—and lining the banks of that old river for no reason other than to watch police divers pull a purple, bloated, flaxen-haired lad of 10 from its murky depths.
Russian Protest Crackdown #~# Riot police detained more than 200 people at a rally protesting the Kremlin and the Putin government. What do you think? 
Bar Scene Also Tired Of Area Bachelor #~# NEW YORK—Arguing that area bachelor Gary Tate, 34, is "becoming too old for this lifestyle," hundreds of representatives from the New York bar scene told reporters Monday that they are just as tired of Tate as he is of them. "Every night it's the same old thing," said bartender Keith Sampson, who called Tate loud, obnoxious, and always stinking of cigarettes. "The only way we can tolerate this guy is if all of us are completely wasted. It's just not worth the effort anymore." Sampson added that the bar scene is willing to give Tate one last chance, in hopes that he will be "awesome and fun" like he was that one night seven years ago.
Perfectly Marketed TV Show Somehow Fails #~# NEW YORK—Perplexed executives at NBC announced Monday that the network has canceled the new series City Buds, after the half-hour sitcom garnered abysmal ratings despite a flawlessly executed $250 million marketing strategy.
Scientists Warn Ionosphere One Top-40 Hit Away From Exploding #~# LOS ALAMOS, NM—Astrophysicists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory issued a nationwide alert Tuesday, warning that exposing the ionosphere to even one additional chart-topping pop, rock, or dance radio wave could cause the electrically conductive layer of atmosphere to violently burst. "We've recklessly bombarded the ionosphere with contemporary favorites all throughout the '80s, '90s, and today," said Dale Harrigan, a member of the lab's Space and Atmospheric Sciences Group. "The high altitude discharge caused by a growing concentration of Mariah Carey megahits and ionized platinum singles is, in itself, enough to cause the entire region to ignite. God forbid someone remixes Rihanna's hot new track, 'Umbrella.'" According to the scientists' assessment, even the smallest rupture in the ionosphere would cause radio waves to bounce back to the surface of the Earth, slowly melting the entire planet's population from the inside.
Hate Crimes Up In '06 #~# The latest FBI statistics show that hate crimes jumped 7.8 percent in 2006. What do you think?
Online Couple Never Chats Anymore #~# SEATTLE—Though only two months have passed since the start of their whirlwind Internet romance, Janice Baxter and Tim Siegal hardly ever sit down in front of their respective computers and chat the way that they used to, online sources reported Monday.
Convention-Goer Has High Hopes For Hilarious Name Tag #~# CUMBERLAND, RI—In keeping with a tradition he started nine years ago, Bearing Service & Supply sales representative Steve Carlson told reporters Thursday that he will once again don a humorous name tag at this weekend's annual Rhode Island Fluid Power Distributors convention.
What's-His-Face Fires Publicist #~# LOS ANGELES—What's-his-face, possibly best known for his recurring role in a series of pretty big action movies from the past few years, fired longtime publicist Kathy Burns Tuesday, citing her failure to "get [Richard or Scott something's] name out there." "I just felt I wasn't getting the recognition I deserve," said the guy whom you've probably seen a number of times now in a bunch of stuff. "After all, I think I've done some pretty memorable work." What's-his-face will costar in a comedy or drama or something next year with the lovely and talented Kate Albrecht, a Loyola Marymount graduate and former competitive equestrian rider whose film credits include The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement. 
Study: Acupuncture Works #~# A recent German study demonstrated that acupuncture, even fake acupuncture, worked better than conventional care to relieve chronic back pain. What do you think? 
Sidney Crosby's One-Goal, Two-Assist Performance Saves Hockey #~# PITTSBURGH—After a decades-long decline in fan interest that reached its nadir with the loss of an entire season to labor strife, the National Hockey League was rescued by the efforts of reigning MVP Sidney Crosby, whose goal and two assists against the New Jersey Devils restored the league to the heights of its former glory. "What a truly momentous day for the rejuvenation of the great sport of ice hockey," Commissioner Gary Bettman said of Crosby's transcendent performance in a point-grabbing overtime that brought the Penguins within striking distance of fourth place. "That second assist was a shining example of what this game can truly be—Crosby recognized the screen, found the open man with the angle, and displayed the awe-inspiring talent one associates with a Muhammad Ali or a Michael Jordan. Hockey is surely saved now." Bettman also acknowledged single-goal, two-assist performances from 13 other NHL players including Chris Chelios, Dany Heatley, and Todd White, but emphasized that, unlike Crosby, they had not saved the NHL.
ESPN Praised For Gutsy Performance In Promoting Dolphins-Steelers Matchup #~# BRISTOL, CT—The advertising, promotions, and publicity departments of cable sports network ESPN are being lauded for refusing to simply give up on attempting to promote the upcoming lackluster Miami-Pittsburgh Monday night matchup, instead turning in what some are calling a "championship-game level of hype." "Our business is all about blowing things out of proportion, but rarely do we see a game as one-sided as this given this kind of dedication," said Advertising Age columnist Alan Quensbury. "Talk about turd-polishing… I'm in awe. My mind says it'll be hard for Steeler fans to stay awake through the blowout, but the ESPN people have made me believe it'll be one for the ages." ESPN promotions personnel have responded to the praise by saying they were  "just doing their jobs" and that they will issue a full statement of thanks after "Monday night's classic clash of tradition-rich AFC powerhouses." 
2007 NASCAR Highlights #~# Jimmie Johnson has been awarded the 2007 NASCAR Nextel Cup after an historic and eventful racing season. Onion Sports runs down the high points:
TNA Sources: Pacman Jones Kept Asking Where Doink The Clown Is #~# NASHVILLE—According to sources from Total Nonstop Action, the pro-wrestling league in which Adam "Pacman" Jones fought for the past two months, the suspended NFL star would not stop inquiring as to the whereabouts of such wrestlers as Doink The Clown, Bam Bam Bigelow, the Steiner Brothers, Big Boss Man, Marty Jannetty, and Lord Steven Regal. "Although he was enthusiastic, Mr. Jones continually asked if Typhoon and Earthquake were around, if he could be the first one to beat someone called 'Goldberg,' when Y2J is going to happen, if he could come out in the coveted 30th slot in the Royal Rumble, and when he can do a Diamond Cutter on someone," said TNA president Dixie Carter, whom Jones alternately referred to as "Bischoff," "McMahon," and "The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiasi." "We ultimately had to terminate his contract when, during his scheduled match, we found him up in the rafters looking for Sting, hoping to ask him if he was going to join the white and black or the Wolfpack." Though Jones is no longer a part of TNA wrestling, Carter confirmed that he receives four to six calls from Jones each day, demanding a private meeting with Mankind, Dude Love, Cactus Jack, and Mick Foley to address some "suspicions" he has.
Fans Best Fans Ever #~# MOST MAJOR AMERICAN CITIES—Coaches, managers, team owners, quarterbacks, pitchers, drivers, hockey and basketball centers, league MVPs, Chevy Trucks Players of the Game, and others took time over the last few days to inform sports fans that they were the greatest fans ever. "I'd like to take a moment and thank the fans for all their support," sports figures at every position except wide receiver and in every city except Chicago announced at some time between Saturday's post-game press conferences and Wednesday night interviews. "I [am employed in a sports-related capacity] for the greatest fans in the world." Barry Bonds, Brian Billick, and Phil Mickelson could not be reached for comment. 
LeBron James Considering Quitting Basketball, Joining Cast Of SNL #~# NEW YORK—Following a recent game in New York, Cleveland Cavaliers forward and league MVP LeBron James confessed his desire to quit basketball and pursue a career as a cast member of Saturday Night Live. "As a kid, I was just so inspired by unbelievable performances from guys like Chris Kattan and Cheri Oteri," said James as he went into a diatribe on what makes Mango "as classic as The Festrunk Brothers," the Steve Martin and Dan Akroyd routine better known as "Two Wild and Crazy Guys." "When I hosted earlier this season, I could see the current Weekend Update team of Seth [Myers] and Amy [Poehler] could definitely use some help, and the least I could do is punch it up with a few characters and commentaries I've been working on. Plus, they need someone to play Obama." James later admitted that during away games to Chicago, he has been one of dozens of athletes secretly taking improvisation and sketch-writing classes at The Second City.
Gin-Soaked Craig Kilborn Shows Up Broke, Homeless At SportsCenter Studio #~# BRISTOL, CT—Craig Kilborn, the former host of The Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn, actor from the film The Benchwarmers, and SportsCenter anchor from 1993 to 1997, was spotted at 5:30 a.m. this morning broke, homeless, and passed out in front of ESPN's SportsCenter studios.
New Drug Lengthens Eyelashes #~# A glaucoma drug called Lumigan is now being marketed for its side effect of growing eyelashes longer. What do you think?
Area Man Asked To Shoot Janice An E-mail #~# DOVER, MD—According to fellow employees who observed the scene, office assistant Brian Rockwell has been asked to shoot Janice an e-mail whenever he gets a sec later today. The request to dash off the message was ordered by company head Dan Etling, who reportedly realized the five-minute conversation he had had with Rockwell earlier this morning dealt primarily with problems in "Janice's territory." "Go ahead and cc me on it," Etling was overheard saying. Rockwell later disclosed to reporters that he would get right on it, and expects Janice to respond by zipping those files on back to him ASAP.
Proposed Bill Would Bring 4,000 Troops Back To Life #~# WASHINGTON—With more American military casualties in 2007 than any year since the war began, a bipartisan group of House representatives introduced a bill Monday that calls for nearly 4,000 U.S. soldiers who have been killed in Iraq to be brought back to life.
Buoyant Force On Area Object Equal To Weight Of Water Displaced #~# BROWNSVILLE, AR—An area object partially immersed in a liquid was buoyed upward Tuesday by a force equal to the weight of the liquid displaced by that object, witnesses at the scene reported. According to sources, opposing forces acted against gravity during the displacement. In addition, though the object reportedly seemed lighter, it only appeared weightless due to the fact that the density of the liquid surrounding it was only slightly greater than that of the object. As of press time, the object is still maintaining positive buoyancy. 
What Kind Of Powdered Chocolate Drink Mix Have We Unleashed Upon The World? #~# Gentlemen: By the time you read this, I will have passed from this vale of tears. Please let Linda know how I loved her, though truly she must think me a wretch for the wrong I have committed; and tell her that now, in my final hours, I did at last apprehend how I should have heeded her warnings from the start.
Regan Suing News Corporation #~# Judith Regan, the former publisher of Reganbooks, is suing Rupert Murdoch and News Corporation, alleging that the company sought to discredit her in an effort to protect Rudolph Giuliani's presidential ambitions. Taken from court documents, here are some of her specific allegations.
ADHD Brains Develop More Slowly #~# Children and adolescents with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder have been shown to have slower development in certain regions of the brain. What do you think?
America Looks Like It Could Use Some Cheering Up #~# Something is amiss in these United States. A pall cast over the land that forebodes a looming sense of dread. The laughter of average Americans is no more than a thin mask that barely conceals the anxiety we all feel. But to this, the greatest nation on Earth, I say: Why do you look so down in the mouth? Don't you know that tomorrow is another day? You're acting like there's a war on, for Pete's sake! And even if there is, you know what? That's something you just can't do anything about. So why dwell in Dumpsville when you can take a trolley to Happytown?
Loss Of Virginity More Humiliating Than Original Virginity #~# COLUMBUS, OH—The shame, humiliation, and ridicule local teen Brandon Means suffered from being the only member of his peer group still burdened with his own virginity were nothing compared to what he felt on the night he finally lost it, the 17-year-old said Monday. "I have never been so embarrassed in all of my life," Means said of the Saturday night fiasco. After some awkward fumbling, Means prematurely ejaculated, and, while trying to clean the semen off himself and girlfriend Kassi Helms, also 17, with a sock from his bedroom floor, he managed only to smear them both with lint. "There was this moment when I was on top of her and she realized I really didn't know where her [vagina] was, so she kind of had to steer my [penis] inside it, but at that point I was so demoralized that I lost my [erection]." Means added that when he heard his father enter the house, forcing both teenagers to immediately stop and clothe themselves, he had never felt a stronger sense of relief.
Pot Smokers Well-Adjusted #~# A recent Swiss survey reveals that that teenagers who smoke marijuana function better than those who also use tobacco. What do you think?
U.S. Postal Service Destroyed By Four Reckless Teens In Car #~# WASHINGTON—Millions of Americans and thousands of federal employees awoke Monday to find the national mail service in disarray after a group of rowdy teens on a joyride reportedly destroyed up to 90 percent of the postal service’s nationwide infrastructure with a baseball bat.
Rove New Newsweek Columnist #~# Newsweek magazine hired the president's former deputy chief of staff, Karl Rove, as a columnist last week. What do you think?
Monopoly Releases Special 'Regular Monopoly' Edition #~# PAWTUCKET, RI—Following the success of its Star Wars Monopoly, I Love Lucy Monopoly, College Monopoly, Monopoly Junior, and Monopoly Electronic Banking Edition, Hasbro announced Monday the release of its latest Monopoly incarnation, Regular Monopoly Monopoly. 
Desperate SNL Releases 'Best Of Melanie Hutsell' DVD #~# NEW YORK—Having already produced best-of anthologies of such cast members as Will Ferrell, Phil Hartman, and Eddie Murphy, as well as compilations of popular guest hosts, Saturday Night Live on Tuesday released The Best Of Melanie Hutsell, a look back at the blonde woman who did the Jan Brady impressions. 
Law Firm To Purchase One Of Those Big Leather Chairs #~# DAYTON, OH—In a decision that senior partner Bob Davis called "long overdue," local law firm Davis, Cassini & Snyder confirmed Tuesday its intentions to purchase one of those big leather chairs—the burgundy-colored ones with the gold buttons and the thick, fancy armrests—sometime in the upcoming weeks.
7-Eleven Shareholders Approve Sale Of Busch Light Six-Pack #~# DALLAS—A majority of 7-Eleven shareholders approved a $4.35 buyout offer Tuesday from Dean Lindell, 23, for a six-pack of Busch Light beer. "It took a bit longer than expected to hammer out the legal details of the deal," said 7-Eleven CEO Joseph DePinto, referring to a momentary impasse that was resolved when Lindell provided documentation proving he was of drinking age. "But we were able to successfully close on it, and I'm happy to report 7-Eleven is currently in talks with a woman from Newark for an as-yet undetermined amount of beef jerky." Some shareholders opposed to the deal claim 7-Eleven was shortchanged when Lindell siphoned funds from the take-a-penny, leave-a-penny tray to complete the sale.
Bishops Urge Iraq Withdrawal #~# U.S. Catholic bishops described the situation in Iraq as "unacceptable" and urged the withdrawal of troops as quickly as possible. What do you think?
Crime Scene Investigators Find Arrowhead #~# BALTIMORE—Police officers investigating complaints of a strange smell coming from an abandoned lot in the Curtis Bay neighborhood of Baltimore early Monday morning were shocked to stumble on the partially decomposed bodies of two unidentified children lying right next to an arrowhead that could be hundreds or perhaps even thousands of years old.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays Change Name, Uniform, Sport #~# TAMPA BAY, FL—Tampa Bay Devil Rays officials announced Monday that the team will be shortening its name to the "Tampa Bay Rays," that their updated uniforms will feature a blue-and-white color scheme accented by orange rays of sunshine, and that they are now a minor-league hockey team in the Florida Panthers system. "We tried the combination of calling ourselves the Devil Rays, wearing purple-and-black uniforms, and playing the sport of baseball for 10 years, and it just didn't work out," said Rays goalie Carl Crawford, noting that it was time to move the franchise away from its association with the distinctly shaped sea-dwelling mammal, the diabolical connotations of their team nickname, and the practice of hitting and catching baseballs. "These changes will make our team more marketable, triple our fan base, and finally, give us a realistic chance to win. I can't wait to get back on the ice!" The Tampa Bay Rays will play their first game of the Mid-Atlantic Hockey League season tomorrow night against their in-state expansion team rivals, the Miami Ice Dolphins.
Worst Coaching Performances #~# Coaches Lloyd Carr, Romeo Crennel, and Isiah Thomas have all been under the microscope lately, but it remains to be seen if their coaching performances rank with these, possibly the worst of all time:
NHL Hall Of Fame Class Of 2007 Vows To Stay In Touch Following Ceremony #~# TORONTO—Immediately following the ceremony celebrating their induction into the National Hockey League Hall of Fame, class of 2007 inductees Mark Messier, Scott Stevens, Ron Francis, and Al MacInnis spent a bittersweet hour in the Hall parking lot discussing fond memories of their time together, exchanging Instant Messenger screen names and e-mail addresses, and repeating earnest promises to stay in touch with one another. "Aw, you guys…What a crazy, crazy career we've had together. There's no way the people I'll meet in retirement will be as fun as you guys," Scott Stevens said in the silence that followed after he and Messier recalled their old inside joke about goalie Mike Richter living in an igloo. "I only wish we had a couple more games together. Just promise me you guys will never change." When Ron Francis let Mark Messier know that he would probably be in New York sometime in February, so the two of them should definitely get together, Messier replied, "Definitely."
U.S. Military Wasting All Its Victories On Notre Dame #~# WASHINGTON, DC—As combined American forces celebrate two consecutive football wins against the Notre Dame Fighting Irish while simultaneously marking the loss of the 3,150th soldier to hostile action in Iraq, many are left wondering if the United States military is in fact focusing its energies on the correct opponent.
Childress Defends Using Peterson For Running Errands #~# EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Responding to speculation that Adrian Peterson's sprained knee may be the result of overusing the talented rookie, Vikings head coach Brad Childress released a statement Monday defending his practice of using the superstar rookie on rushing plays, passing plays, kickoff returns, punt returns, movie returns, grocery runs, and home repairs. "Adrian is a great young talent, and the team doctors say he can still do a lot for this team, both on the field and around my house," Childress said of the multi-tasking back who currently leads the league in yards raked. "Naturally, situations will dictate how he's used, but you can expect to see him playing an increased role around my household. Any coach in this league would love to have a player who can put an entire team or bedroom set on his back and carry them into the postseason or attic." Peterson, who spent Tuesday's practice washing Childress' car at a Minnetonka self-service car wash, said that his injured knee wouldn't affect his aggressive cleaning style.
Chronically Concussed Eric Lindros Announces Retirement From Citibank #~# LONDON, ONTARIO—Eric Lindros, the occasionally brilliant but often-injured winger whose career was punctuated by shockingly severe concussions, called a press conference on Thursday to announce his retirement after 13 seasons with Citibank. "It's been a great 78 years," said the six-time All-Star, who punctuated the emotional event with several minutes-long silences, aimless whistling, and fits of high-pitched laughter. "Working with an organization like this has been an honor, at every location I've been assigned. I'll always cherish the time I spent at our branch in Philadelphia; I learned a lot about mortgage financing in New York; and, of course, I'll never forget my time in Philadelphia. Now I can turn my focus to my boyhood dream of visiting every hockey arena in the NHL." Lindros brought the press conference to a close by standing up, turning slowly and jerkily in a circle, sitting down heavily in his chair, and dying of subdural cerebral hemorrhaging. 
Rams Seem To Have Beaten Saints #~# NEW ORLEANS—Sources within the NFL's competition committee tentativelty confirmed Monday that, according to their preliminary analysis of statistics compiled during Sunday's St. Louis-New Orleans game, the previously winless Rams did indeed score more points than the Saints and therefore must officially be declared the winner. "Further review is in order, up to and including watching a full recording of the game, if in fact any broadcaster bothered to make one," commissioner Roger Goodell told disbelieving reporters Monday. "Still, the smattering of eyewitness accounts we have collected, including several from officials in attendance, seem to bear out reports of a Rams victory." The Saints organization has thus far refused comment on the issue, but say they will dutifully comply with any decision reached by the league "no matter how outrageous."
Stagehand Strike Shutters Broadway #~# Stagehands for Broadway plays are on strike, causing many performances to cancel. What do you think?
Americans Announce They're Dropping Out Of Presidential Race #~# WASHINGTON—Citing exhaustion, an overcrowded field of candidates, and little hope of making a difference in 2008, roughly 300 million Americans announced Tuesday that they will be leaving the presidential race behind.
Overfunded Public School Forced To Add Jazz Band #~# MANALAPAN, NJ—Benjamin Harrison Middle School faculty members regretfully announced Tuesday that, despite their best efforts to prevent it, the school simply had too much state and federal funding to avoid adding a jazz ensemble to its music program.
New Jersey Votes On Death Penalty Ban #~# The New Jersey Assembly will vote on Dec. 13 whether to abolish the death penalty. What do you think?
The Health Of America #~# The United Health Foundation recently ranked the 50 states, top to bottom, in order of healthiest to least healthy. Here are some of the key rankings, along with the factors that placed them there.
This Is The Point In The Blow Job Where I Have To Be Careful What I Say #~# Ordinarily, I am a candid, even verbose individual, but this is a particularly sensitive time for me, so I will try to remain brief. We have reached a juncture at which I, the recipient of this mind-blowing oral sex, must make some kind of statement that is both timely and appropriate. Unfortunately I am uncertain how to proceed.
Thanksgiving Won't Be The Same This Year Without A House #~# I love Thanksgiving. It's always my favorite time of year. A time to surround oneself with friends, family, and four walls to help keep out the cold. Now, I know the fact that we don't have a house might seem especially noticeable around the holiday season, since it's kind of a McCray tradition to spend Thanksgiving indoors, but that's no reason to be ungrateful.
Friend Tells Depressing Details Of How He's Covered By Freelancers Union #~# NEW YORK—Friends of part-time graphic designer Keith Hayes reported Tuesday that they listened uncomfortably as the 26-year-old described the horribly depressing specifics of the health insurance he receives through the Freelancers Union. "Each detail was more pathetic than the last, from the $150 co-pay he’s charged for one of his medications, to the pre-existing condition and pre-certification inquiries he constantly has to deal with," said friend Kelly McGrath, adding that she winced when Hayes mentioned his plan’s $2,500 annual deductible. "And the most heartbreaking part? He's paying more than $400 a month for this—trust me, if there were some way I could list him as a dependent, I would." McGrath later admitted that this wouldn’t do Hayes much good, since she herself isn’t able to afford health insurance of any kind.
Plague Fatality In Arizona #~# An autopsy revealed that an Arizona biologist who was found dead on Nov. 2 had contracted the pneumonic plague after handling a cougar corpse. What do you think?
Report: Double Stuf Oreos Could Raise Tolerance To Stuf #~# EAST HANOVER, NJ—A new report released by the Food and Drug Administration Monday suggests that regular consumption of Oreo's Double Stuf cookies could lead to an increased tolerance to stuf. "For 90 percent of Americans, it now takes twice as much stuf to reach the same level of satisfaction once achieved with a single layer of stuf," the report read in part. "Millions of consumers have taken drastic measures to recreate their initial stuf experience, including the manual construction of quadruple-stuf Oreos and chronic stuf-licking. Some have even gone so far as to twist off one side of the cookie, scrape the stuf off with their teeth, and discard the two chocolate wafers." Oreo executives downplayed a portion of the report claiming that children as young as 8 have begun lacing vanilla stuf with peanut butter stuf and mixing it with substances such as pizza.
U.S. Intelligence: Iran Possesses Trillions Of Potentially Dangerous Atoms #~# WASHINGTON—Barely two months after U.N. inspectors in Iran failed to find evidence of an active nuclear weapons program, the Department of Homeland Security uncovered new information Monday proving the Middle Eastern nation has obtained literally trillions of atoms—the same particles sometimes used to make atomic bombs—for unknown purposes.
One Last Ruben Studdard Reference Wafts Gently Into The Cool Evening Air #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Spoken in a hushed and honeyed tone, the name of American Idol 2 winner Ruben Studdard spilled forth from the lips of a local resident yesterday, and, briefly hanging sea and sky between, escaped suddenly into the eternal chill of the crisp autumn air. According to those present, gone, gone is the reference to the rotund songsmith, passing unencumbered through the shared human consciousness and disappearing into the ether, yet another name now lost to the ages, silently fading into shadows numberless, suckled by the night sky. And lo, eyewitnesses report, the reference has taken its place in the heavens, sealed forever in memory forgotten, never to be heard again.
Bush Gets First Veto Override #~# For the first time in Bush's seven-year presidency, the Senate overrode a veto, for a water resources bill that would preserve wetlands. What do you think?
Female Serial Killer Has To Work Twice As Hard To Achieve Notoriety #~# OTSEGO, MI—While she may not be making the nightly news or gracing the covers of Time and Newsweek, 46-year-old nursing-home worker Barbara Louise Huxley is a dedicated, ruthless killer. But in today's male-dominated world of remorseless slaughter, Huxley has been forced to murder twice as many innocent victims just to gain the public exposure and foster the widespread panic her male counterparts routinely enjoy.
Nov. 9, 1960 #~# John F. Kennedy’s Dad Defeats Nixon
Local Boy Trapped In Family #~# HARRISONBURG, VA—Rescue workers and concerned neighbors gathered Saturday outside the Conklin residence on Waterson Avenue where authorities say local child David Conklin remains trapped in a dangerously lame family, a harrowing ordeal now entering its 13th tense year.
BBC Upgrades Flap To Row #~# LONDON—The nightly Ten O'Clock News program on Great Britain's BBC One channel upgraded a minor flap in Parliament's House of Lords to an all-out row Tuesday after Conservative Party leader Thomas Galbraith, 2nd Baron Strathclyde, told the Lord Speaker to sod off.   "The fortnight-old handbags suddenly exploded into a proper barney when Lord Strathclyde had an eppy and called Baroness Hayman a 'dozy slag' and then buggered off for a Jack Dash in the bog," BBC political correspondent Basil Islington said. "Needless to say, the other geezers went chicken oriental."   The BBC said if the tossers don't jam their tarts by late afto, they will be forced to classify the bull and cow as a paddy, though they haven't ruled out the possibility of a total fucking pagger.
Pat Robertson Endorses Giuliani #~# Televangelist Pat Robertson has endorsed former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani as Republican presidential candidate despite Giuliani's pro-abortion rights stance. What do you think? 
Jimmie Johnson On Winning The Dickies 500: 'Yee-Haw' #~# FORT WORTH—Hendrick Motorsports driver Jimmie Johnson, who took the points lead in the NEXTEL Cup championship with his win in the Dickies 500 after dicing with Matt Kenseth for several laps, was visibly excited by his victory Sunday while hollering at reporters for over 40 minutes in his post-race Victory Lane press conference. "Yeeeeeeeee," exclaimed Johnson, while repeatedly firing the twin pistols awarded to him for his win into the air, "Haaaaaaaaw!" When told that his victory relegated his teammate Jeff Gordon to second place in championship points, Johnson displayed admirable humility by removing his black ten-gallon cowboy hat and muttering a respectful "Awwww."
NFL Midseason Report 2007 #~# Upon reaching the midpoint of the 2007 NFL season, Onion Sports lists the notable moments, achievements, and situations in pro football thus far:
Joe Torre Signs Classiest Contract In Managerial History #~# LOS ANGELES—With an easy smile and an elegant stroke of his Mont Blanc fountain pen, newly hired  Los Angeles Dodgers manager and beacon of effortless masculinity Joe Torre radiated unmatched polish last week while signing what many baseball experts are calling "the classiest contract in managerial history," agreeing with poise and savoir-faire, to a three-year, $13 million deal. "There was a certain pride factor I associated with the Dodgers," said the confident, yet self-assured Torre, whose rare blend of finesse, dignity, and quiet élan left the assembled media both utterly at ease and in a state of complete and total admiration. "You say goodbye to one prestigious organization, and say hello to another prestigious organization." Upon viewing Torre's masterful display, baseball experts across the nation were forced to agree that "now that is class."
Yankees Liken A-Rod's Growing Greed To Kino From Steinbeck's The Pearl #~# NEW YORK—In a two-page, 500-word report released Monday, Yankees GM Brian Cashman compared the destructive force of Alex Rodriguez's greed to the plight of Kino, the impoverished Mexican diver from John Steinbeck's 1947 novella, The Pearl. "Just as when Kino discovered the 'Pearl of the World' and allowed his love of profit to supplant his love of family, so has A-Rod's desire for wealth perverted his immense talent. Once so pure and innocent, his natural ability has been transformed into nothing more than an agent for financial gain," Cashman wrote, noting that A-Rod's dilemma exposes the fallacy of the American Dream and also that a baseball is like a giant pearl. "If A-Rod gives in to the temptation of riches beyond his wildest dreams, he could suffer the same fate as Kino—lowball offers from equally greedy owners, contempt from those who once loved him, and the death of his young son Coyotito." Rodriguez called Cashman's comments untrue, confusing in parts, and repetitive, and gave him a D+.
Detroit Lions Not Buying Detroit Lions #~# DETROIT—Following their 44-7 victory over the Denver Broncos Sunday, players, coaches, and staff of the 6-2 Detroit Lions football team reported that the Detroit Lions football team cannot realistically be considered a legitimate contender in the National Football Conference. "Come on, the Lions are a combined 23-72 in the last six years and haven't won a playoff game since the early '90s," said Lions head coach Rod Marinelli, adding that it "won't be long" before this year's Detroit team inevitably flounders and quarterback Jon Kitna reverts back to his 2002 self. "Sure, they've won a few games, but a real playoff team doesn't lose to the Philadelphia Eagles." Kitna responded to his coach's statement by saying he wouldn't be surprised if the Lions lost by 25 points to the 3-5 Arizona Cardinals next Sunday. 
Notre Dame Football Team Having Worst Season Since Corinthians #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—A mere 1-8 following their 46-44 triple-overtime loss to Navy, their first to the service academy since 1963, the Fighting Irish are now enduring their worst football season since the authorship of the New Testament Book of Corinthians circa 55 A.D. "Listen, I don't take any pride in being the losingest Fighting Irish coach since Paul of Tarsus defended his apostleship by claiming a revelation from Christ," head coach Charlie Weis said in a press conference Tuesday. "But I'll remind you that Paul wrote Corinthians to correct faulty assumptions on the part of the Church, so don't go making any of your own. Plus Notre Dame finished up that season with wins against Rutgers and U-Masada, and while the names may have changed, our spirit has not." Biblical athletics scholars note, however, that if the Irish fail to win another game, Notre Dame will hold the record for worst division 1-A season since Ecclesiastes.
Cheney Impeachment Resolution In Committee #~# A resolution to impeach Vice President Dick Cheney was sent to the House Judiciary Committee for review. What do you think?
Andy Reid On Family Problems: 'Red Right 32 Trap' #~# PHILADELPHIA—Eagles head coach Andy Reid addressed his recent family turmoil in a press conference today, responding to allegations that he had neglected his paternal duties in order to focus on football with the simple statement "Red Right 32 Trap."
New Trojan Horse Strikes Mac #~# A rare new Trojan horse that targets Mac users and takes over their computers has been found on pornographic websites. What do you think?
Cats Are Better Than Dogs #~# I've always been a fan of felines. As far as pets go, you can't beat them! I have three myself, and I couldn't adore them more. I don't care what you say, cats are clearly better than dogs. I can't even list all the reasons here, so I'll just stick with my favorites.
As An Upper-Class Gourmand, I Will Settle For Nothing Less Than The Luxury Of Ritz-Brand Snack Crackers #~# As a member of what might be called the "ultrarich," I have attended some of the finest soirees in the most elegant surroundings in the world. Naturally, I have consumed all manner of hors d'oeuvres on any number of snack crackers. But one cracker stands alone as the only brand fancy enough to meet my exacting demands: I will never be satisfied by anything less than the upper-crust sophistication of a Ritz.
Democratic Candidates Turn On Clinton #~# In the latest debate, Democratic presidential candidates singled out Hillary Clinton as a subject for criticism. Here are some of their critiques:
Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Fall, the long- running series of shorter days and cooler nights, was canceled earlier this week after nearly 3 billion seasons on Earth, sources reported Tuesday.
R.L. Stine Reveals Slappy From Night Of The Living Dummy Was Gay #~# NEW YORK—Children's author R.L. Stine broke his long-held media silence Monday to announce that Slappy, the evil ventriloquist's dummy from the Goosebumps Night Of The Living Dummy trilogy, was a homosexual.
Aid Workers Stealing Children #~# Several French aid workers are charged with trying to smuggle 103 children they claimed were orphans from Darfur, but in reality were children with living parents from Chad. What do you think?
Bush Proud U.S. Economic Woes Can Still Depress World Markets #~# WASHINGTON, DC—While speaking to a group of White House reporters, President Bush fended off questions about the weak state of the dollar, the expected long-term deficit caused by Social Security and Medicare payments, and a faltering housing market by assuring reporters that the U.S. economy's ability to have such a widespread negative impact on the world only further proves it is "easily the best." 
Atlanta Running Out Of Water #~# By Army Corps of Engineers estimates, the city of Atlanta could run out of water in about 100 days. What do you think?
Friend Of Friend Better Friend Than Friend #~# JOHNSTOWN, PA—Though friend Chris Brey, 31, and friend-of-friend Bill Scafuri, 33, did not immediately form a close friendship following their introduction by longtime friend Adam Lustick last August, the two friends' friendship ultimately grew friendlier than the original friendship between Brey and Lustick, mutual friends reported Friday.
Study Finds Working At Work Improves Productivity #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a groundbreaking new study by the Department of Labor, working—the physical act of engaging in a productive job-related activity—may greatly increase the amount of work accomplished during the workday, especially when compared with the more common practices of wasting time and not working.
Fancy Man Enjoys Tea #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Jason Baumer, a fancy little gent who is apparently too good to enjoy a regular cup of coffee, drank a cup of tea Sunday.
Mel Brooks Starts Nonprofit Foundation To Save Word 'Schmuck' #~# NEW YORK—Saying he could no longer stand idly by while a vital part of American culture is lost forever, activist and Broadway producer Mel Brooks has founded a private nonprofit organization dedicated to preserving the word "schmuck."
Seinfeld's Return #~# Nine years after his eponymous television show went off the air, Jerry Seinfeld is making a splash with his new film Bee Movie. What do you think?
Third-Person Limited Omniscient Narrator Blown Away By Surprise Ending #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—The third-person limited omniscient voice, a narrative mode used to convey a story through the thoughts and senses of a literary character, was reportedly "caught totally off guard" after the main character was unexpectedly killed in the last chapter of the new novel Bertram's Way. 
Most Items At Garage Sale Haunted #~# CARBONDALE, PA—According to area bargain hunters, the majority of the dusty, cobweb-covered items at local resident Kelly Moore's garage sale Sunday appeared to possess supernatural qualities. 
Uruguay First To Buy Cheap Laptops #~# Uruguay has become the first country to order the famed "$100" laptops, with a contract to buy 100,000 of the devices for the country's schoolchildren. What do you think?
Slow Month In Baseball Saved By A-Rod #~# DENVER—Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez found a way to inject some excitement into baseball and make the slow month of October interesting last Sunday when he announced that he would opt out of his quarter-of-a-billion dollar contract with New York in order to become a free agent this offseason. 
NBA 2007 Season Predictions #~# As the new NBA season opens, Onion Sports analysts take a look at the league's trends and tendencies in an attempt to predict the progress of professional basketball:
Colorado Rockies: 'What The Fuck Just Happened?' #~# DENVER—Days after the Boston Red Sox completed their four-game sweep to win the 2007 World Series, Colorado Rockies players dressed in full uniform were still standing on the field experiencing various degrees of shock. "We…we…we were winning lots of games? And then? Then we were losing all these games? Because the Red Sox came and hit and hit and hit and they didn't, they didn't stop…" said Rockies outfielder Ryan Spilborghs, pointing at the left field wall with a shaking and dirty finger before turning, pointing at the right field wall, and repeating the words he has been speaking nonstop since Sunday night. "They hit here, and here, and through the gap there, and they… Oh, God, what happened? What the fuck just happened to us?" Rockies team officials released an erratically worded, hand-scrawled statement today saying they would address any psychological issues just as soon as the World Series is over. 
49ers To Start Backup Coach #~# Frustrated by the ineffectiveness of head coach Mike Nolan, the 49ers organization announced Monday that backup coach Tom Gorzynski, a journeyman the team picked up off the coaching waiver wire in August, will make his first NFL start against the Falcons Sunday. "I just need to take advantage of this opportunity to show I can coach at this level," said Gorzynski, who has been making all coaching decisions for the 49ers practice squad this season. "I'm ready to take the reins and make the players make something happen. I just need to go out to the sideline and coach my own game plan. I know it's a huge responsibility, but I'm confident in my scheduling, managing, and delegating." Although Gorzynski feels his effort will be highly scrutinized, he said coaching PATs in preseason, as well as coaching several kneel-down plays late in the fourth quarter of games during the regular season, had given him unbridled confidence.
Red Sox Get World Series Out Of The Way #~# DENVER—The Boston Red Sox completed their 2007 Major League Baseball schedule Sunday with a win over the Rockies—the one formality remaining before they could officially collect their World Series trophy and finish their season in a timely and efficient manner. "Glad that's done," said catcher and team captain Jason Varitek, moments after the final out of the Fall Classic was recorded. "It would have been optimal, of course, to get the ALCS over with in the minimum four games, but at least we got these four wrapped up nice and quick. Whew." Varitek added that he doesn't understand why they have to have a whole parade for this.
Drunken Paul Byrd Watching Major League II Right Now #~# CLEVELAND—Paul Byrd is currently lying prostrate on his living room couch in the dark, surrounded by a stack of empty beer cans and watching the film Major League II, reported sources close to the Indians pitcher. "Come on, Wild Thing, get… take off that business suit and get your goddamn head back in the game," Byrd was overheard as saying several minutes ago, moments before hurling a beer bottle at his TV screen. "Your team needs you, don't you want to go to the World Series, you stupid son of a… Aw, come on, blue, that was right over the plate! Fucking Parkman! We never shouldda got rid of Parkman. Let me call what-the-hell's-his face [Indians GM Mark Shapiro] right…yeah, right now. Gotta get Parkman back… Where's the phone?" Byrd proceeded to roll off the side of the couch and pass out. 
Brian Urlacher Out Four To Six Weeks With Excuses #~# CHICAGO—Bears team officials announced Tuesday that middle linebacker Brian Urlacher, who has been largely ineffective in Chicago's recent losses, will miss at least the next month with a variety of medical and personal excuses. "Brian has this pain in his back that might be arthritis or a muscle pull, but he keeps saying it really hurts," Chicago head coach Lovie Smith told reporters. "Then I guess he has all this heavy-duty crap going on with his ex-wife, he says the mothers of some of his other kids need straightening out, I don't know, maybe he misses Paris Hilton, but for the next few games, these excuses will keep him from coming in at the ends of plays and hitting the guys [Bears linebacker] Lance Briggs was already tackling." Urlacher himself refused to comment due to what he said was the sudden and tragic death of his grandmother.
Bush Acknowledges Existence Of Carbon Dioxide #~# WASHINGTON—In an unexpected reversal that environmentalists and scientists worldwide are calling groundbreaking, President George W. Bush, for the first time in his political career, openly admitted to the existence of carbon dioxide following the release of the new U.N. Global Environment Outlook this October.  
Obesity Rates Plateau #~# Government health officials report that obesity rates in the United States have leveled off. What do you think?
Immigration At Highest In 80 Years #~# According to a new report by the Center for Immigration Studies, immigrants now account for one in eight U.S. residents. What do you think?
Rove Resigns To Spend More Time In Shadows #~# WASHINGTON—Longtime political adviser and Republican strategist Karl Rove announced Aug. 13 that he would step down from his role as White House deputy chief of staff to spend more time in the shadows and devote his energy to the things he really cares about, such as creeping, slithering, and disappearing for all time into an ever-darkening realm shut off from hope and goodness. 
Nation's Crumbling Infrastructure Probably Some Sort Of Metaphor #~# MINNEAPOLIS—The tragic Minneapolis bridge collapse that left 13 dead this August brought national attention to the country's crumbling infrastructure, forcing many to question whether the nation's rapidly deteriorating roads, contaminated drinking water and groundwater, and run-down schools could perhaps be a metaphor for something.
Germany To Ban Scientology #~# Germany’s interior minister called the Church of Scientology "an unconstitutional organization" and said the nation is seeking to ban the group. What do you think?
YouTube Debate Becomes Website's First Ignored Video #~# SAN BRUNO, CA—In an effort to connect with younger voters and tap into the immense popularity of the video-sharing website, Democrat and Republican candidates participated in the first-ever presidential debates shown on YouTube to at least 11 viewers.
Nation In Frenzy About Little Wizard Boy And All His Little Wizard Friends #~# NEW YORK—Delirium swept the nation this summer as the release of the seventh and final Harry Potter novel sent millions of Americans into a frenzy over some little wizard boy and all his flying wizard buddies going on another one of their little wizard adventures.
Brett Butler Now Nation's Most Stable Female Celebrity #~# LOS ANGELES—With Hollywood starlets facing new troubles this year—Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie serving jail time, Lindsay Lohan entering rehab, and Britney Spears losing custody of her children due to substance abuse and reckless behavior—former Grace Under Fire star and pill-popping, chain-smoking, twice-divorced drunk driver Brett Butler has become America's de facto sweetheart.
Gore Wins Oscar, Nobel Peace Prize For Slide-Show Presentation #~# STOCKHOLM—2007 was an extraordinary year for former vice president Al Gore, who received the highest honors in both film and humanitarianism for his tireless efforts in creating a visually pleasing, hour-long slide-show presentation using the popular computer program Keynote.
Thousands Wait Overnight At Microsoft Stores For Second Generation Zune #~# NEW YORK—In a year that saw the release of such best-selling products as the Motorola RAZR 2 V8 and the wildly popular Casio XD-SW4800 handheld dictionary, no personal electronics product launch was more highly anticipated than the November 13 debut of the second-generation Microsoft Zune mp3 player.
The Presidency In The Year 2007 #~# With multiple resignations and the loss of the Republican majority in Congress, many of President Bush's accomplishments failed to make the news. Here are some of the high points of this year in the Bush administration: 
Jackie's 10 Best Entertainment Moments of 2007! #~# Item! Should old acquaintance be forgot? No, it should be remembered and celebrated. And what better way to remember our favorite acquaintances—celebrities—than by counting down the 10 biggest celebrity moments of 2007! Are you ready, celebrity friends and celebrity fiends?
One Cell Phone Per Two Humans #~# A report in November announced that there are 3.3 billion mobile phone accounts—one for every two people in the world. What do you think? 
Human Evolution Accelerating #~# According to a study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, rapid population growth is accelerating the evolutionary process. What do you think?
New Speaker Of The House Caught Wearing Women’s Clothing #~# WASHINGTON—After successfully gaining a majority in both the U.S. House and Senate in the 2006 midterm elections, the Democratic Party was mired in controversy when the newly elected speaker of the house, Rep. Pelosi (D-CA), was caught on camera wearing what appeared to be a skirt, ladies top, necklace, and pair of high heels.
Iraq War No Longer Interesting Enough To Make List Of Year’s Top Stories #~# CAMP FALLUJAH, IRAQ—Once widely acknowledged as the most crucial and compelling news story in the world, the U.S. military occupation of Iraq was, for the first time in the conflict's five-year history, deemed too uninteresting to be considered among 2007's most important news events.
Man Likes Woman So Much He Marries Her #~# WELLTON, AZ—Henry Leighty, a 32-year-old Arizona native and insurance claims adjuster, reportedly had such a huge crush on his girlfriend, Stacy Tompkins, 29, that he just had to marry her in a small ceremony Sunday which he totally dreams about every night when he goes to bed.
Ike Turner Dead #~# Rock and roll pioneer Ike Turner died on Wednesday at 76. What do you think?
Town Uglification Committee Approves New Pile Of Garbage Bags #~# LOUDONVILLE, OH—As part of ongoing efforts to maintain the town's unplesasant appearance, members of the Loudonville Uglification Committee unanimously approved a measure Tuesday to preserve the 16 overflowing garbage bags filled with old newspapers, beer bottles, and decaying food in the middle of the Cedar Street sidewalk. "We're going to do all we can to make sure these new piles of trash are in full view of anyone who comes to visit our little town, as well as those who call Loudonville home," said chairwoman Karen Spalding, who oversees all of the town's upkeep, including planting weeds in parks, spray-painting profanities on the walls of the public library, and smearing dog feces at prominent intersections. "It's important that our work properly reflects the type of people who live here." Spalding added that she was confident this latest initiative would attract businesses interested in dumping their waste products directly into the Mohican River.
Sources: George Clooney Looking Good #~# HOLLYWOOD—According to sources from every imaginable demographic across the United States, Canada, Europe, and the rest of the civilized world, Academy Award–winning actor and two-time People magazine “Sexiest Man Alive” George Clooney is looking good.
Patriots Proud Of Defeating Whoever That Last Team Was #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Patriots quarterback Tom Brady diplomatically emphasized that defeating whoever it was they had just played gave him and his teammates a great sense of accomplishment during his post-game press conference Sunday. "It's always very satisfying to get out there and get a win against…against those guys," Brady said, adding that it was a mistake to take those other guys for granted as they were capable of making a few plays. "They definitely had some sort of game plan, and they were running around fairly fast out there. We overcame a lot to triumph over, uh, you know, them." According to Brady, the Patriots still need to correct a number of mistakes during the week's practices, execute better, and prepare for that one team they have to defeat next.
Sheepish Timberwolves Fire Placekicker #~# MINNEAPOLIS—The Minnesota Timberwolves gave fresh ammunition to critics of their recent personnel moves Monday night when they made announced that placekicker Dave Rayner, claimed off waivers on Nov. 30 after being cut from the Kansas City Chiefs, had been cut from the roster. "We appreciate the contribution Dave made to the team in his time here, but he did not fill our need for an actual basketball player," coach Randy Wittman said of Rayner, who scored fewer than four points per game for Minnesota, far below the NBA and his NFL averages. "I hope Dave finds challenges worthy of his talents." Wittman then introduced controversial new Timberwolf signing jockey Willie Shoemaker III, admitting that while the project player has less than ideal size, his pedigree was too good to pass up.
Michael Vick Hopes Jail Is Like The Longest Yard Without All The Throwing #~# ATLANTA—Recently convicted Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is hoping that the events of his 23-month prison sentence play out similarly to those portrayed in the 2005 Adam Sandler football comedy The Longest Yard except for the movie's emphasis on passing the ball, sources close to Vick reported Wednesday. "I keep thinking that Mean Machine quarterback dude should just pull the ball down, maybe pump fake it first a couple times, but just pull it down and go around the end when the prison guards show blitz up the middle," Vick told friends and family at a pre-trial screening of the film. "He could always chuck it into dude's nutsack after the play was over." Vick was reportedly distraught to learn that, except for the probable presence of Michael Irvin, an actual prison would be nothing like the one in the movie.
Lesser-Known College Football Awards #~# Not every college football award has the prestige of the Heisman, Maxwell, or Lombardi trophies. Onion Sports runs down some of the more notable but less visible:
Browns Reject Concept Of Controlling Own Playoff Destiny: 'Everything Is Chaos' #~# CLEVELAND—The Cleveland Browns, although 8-4 going into Week 13 and needing only to win two of their last three games independent of the win/loss record of other AFC teams, rejected the idea that they or anyone else could actually control their own destiny in a chaotic universe. "The cosmos tends towards greater entropy, as man tends towards ever more destructive tendencies and the AFC North tends towards the passing game, and the only constant in our mutable world is change—we cannot afford the illusion of control," said head coach Romeo Crennel, who buried his face in his hands and shook throughout his existentially terrifying Tuesday press conference. "Our playbook, like the books of our very lives, is writ on water; we die a little every day on the field and off, and each step we take brings us closer to ruin and heartbreak, if not the goal line; and also, regardless of the outcome against Buffalo, we really need either the Titans or the Broncos to lose at least one game." Quarterback Derek Anderson echoed his coach's outlook, saying he planned to "just heave the ball up and, although not praying, watch in mixed hope and terror as the incalculable probabilities play themselves out downfield" against opposing secondaries for the rest of the season.
Confused David Stern Thought Gilbert Arenas Was Where Toronto Raptors Played #~# NEW YORK—Upon hearing reports that star guard Gilbert Arenas was recovering well from two surgeries on his left knee, NBA commissioner David Stern was silent for several moments before revealing that he had previously believed 'Gilbert Arenas' was the name of the stadium where the Toronto Raptors played their home games. "So…Gilbert Arenas, that's where the Blue Jays play, and the Argonauts, and sometimes they have the circus in town when the season is right for it, right?" said Stern, referring to the Air Canada Centre. "Isn't their owner's name Gilbert? I thought it was pronounced with a silent T or something, because it's all French up there. I never heard the name out loud before now, see, I've always just read it. 'Gilbert Arenas.' Huh." Upon admitting his mistake, Stern extended his best wishes to Arenas and expressed the hope that he would return to the Raptors' lineup soon.
Only Positive Statistic Of Year Announced #~# WASHINGTON—Amid a growing list of domestic and international concerns such as skyrocketing fuel prices, the slumping dollar, massive recalls of tainted food, the housing market collapse, and an increase in obesity, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals delivered the country's only positive statistic Tuesday when officials announced that cases of feline leukemia had stabilized. "In this current climate, we were all waiting for some good news," said Brad Gambrell, 37, an unemployed census worker. "With more infants perishing during childbirth, fewer citizens covered by health insurance, and air quality steadily worsening, it's a huge relief that the number of cats dying from this horrible disease is staying the same." Additional data showed that, upon hearing the news, hundreds of Americans who were being evicted from their homes or learning that they had colon cancer briefly experienced a glimmer of hope—a once-common sensation that has declined by 250 percent since 2002.
Tiger Woods Putts Baby Into Diaper #~# ORLANDO, FL—Tiger Woods added yet another accomplishment to his already outstanding résumé Sunday when the 13-time major winner successfully putted his baby daughter, five-month-old Sam Alexis Woods, into a fresh Huggies diaper.
Romney Runs First Attack Ad #~# Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney became the first candidate in the 2008 Republican race to run an attack ad, slamming Mike Huckabee's record on immigration. What do you think?
2007 Holiday Cheer Brought To You By Toyota #~# NEW YORK—In one of the largest marketing coups in recent years, holiday cheer—the intangible spirit of goodwill towards man, peace on Earth, and warmth in the hearts of all—will now be sponsored by the Toyota Motor Corporation, sources reported Tuesday.
Folk Art Museum Acquires Rare Visitor #~# NEW YORK—Representatives from the American Folk Art Museum held a press conference Wednesday, announcing that the "Legacy in Throw Rugs" exhibit had acquired a rare visitor, Ms. Marnie Schneider, who was discovered near the janitor's closet in the hubcap paintings wing. "Ms. Schneider is a real find, definitely a one of a kind," said head curator Natalie Kiernan, who estimated the historically significant attendee's value was priceless. "You could go years without seeing one of these." Kiernan admitted that, while the visitor had clearly seen some wear and tear, she appeared to be in surprisingly good shape for her age.
I'm The U.N. Undersecretary Your Mother Warned You About #~# From the moment I showed up at the General Assembly, the other countries knew I was trouble. They took one look at my three- button navy suit jacket and my dark, searing eyes, and prayed to whatever God they knew up there to keep their daughters safe from me. I guess it was the way I just waltzed right in, pulled my collar up, looked Ol' Ban Ki-moon dead in the eyes and asked if we were gonna sit around talking like a bunch of nancies all day or do something about child slavery in Burma. "Just what are you the U.N. Undersecretary of?" they asked. "Well," I said, stubbing out a cigarette on my wingtips. "What do you got?"
Protests Over The Golden Compass #~# Catholics and other religious groups have organized boycotts of The Golden Compass, a film based on a children's book by an avowed atheist. What are their complaints?
It's Christmas Time—And I'm In A Holi-Daze! #~# 'Twas the weeks before Christmas,
The Month Of Zepcember #~# After years apart, the three original members of Led Zeppelin reunited in a triumphant concert in London on Monday. What do you think?
Defense Labs Hack May Be Chinese #~# A cyberattack on computers in a U.S. nuclear weapons laboratory is suspected to have been of Chinese origin. What do you think?
Cheap Airfare Sole Reason For Trip To Italy #~# FLORENCE, ITALY—Halfway through their one-week vacation to Florence, capital of Italy's celebrated Tuscany region and widely considered the birthplace of the Italian Renaissance, Minneapolis couple John and Barbara Pelletier were reportedly still in awe Monday over the "unbelievable" airfare they obtained on discount travel website Hotwire.com. "In all my years, I never imagined I'd see anything like this—$1,000 for two round-trip tickets, tax included," John Pelletier said, as he and his wife shared a large Hawaiian pizza at a food court around the corner from Florence's 750-year-old Piazza della Signoria. "Everybody should visit Hotwire.com at least once in their lives." According to Barbara, the couple is excited to get out and see Michelangelo's David on Wednesday, so long as the lines at the gift shop aren't too long.
On The Patriots' Chances To Go Undefeated #~# "Not only are they a better team than the '72 Dolphins, they'll probably be even bigger dicks about it, too."
Bush's New Dentist Faces Tough Confirmation Hearing #~# WASHINGTON—The Senate Judiciary Committee announced Monday that, after five days of intense questioning, internal debate, and outside testimony, it is no closer to confirming Dr. Richard J. Applebaum, President George W. Bush's controversial nominee to be the 73rd presidential dentist in U.S. history.
New Product Can Do All That, More #~# MODESTO, CA—According to late-night television sources, a revolutionary new product that can do all of the tasks of several clunky, space-wasting devices that cost twice as much, is currently available for just three easy payments of $29.95. "It does the work of 15 similar items in half the time and with none of the mess," said an unidentified, enthusiastic man, who explained that by ordering in the next half hour, callers would receive a second, identical space-age product at no additional cost. "And after all that abuse, it still works on a tomato!" Buyers will reportedly be able to return the not-available-in-stores product for a full refund after a 30-day trial period if they are not completely satisfied with the firmness and definition of their abs
Clinton, Giuliani Slipping In Polls #~# In the past few months, Democrat presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton and Republican presidential front-runner Rudy Giuliani have each seen their huge leads erode by about 10 points. What do you think?
Overweight College Student Announces Plans To Wear Shorts, Sandals For Rest Of Year #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA—Overweight Penn State University freshman Kyle Norton cleared up any confusion about the future of his daily wardrobe Monday when he declared that, despite the recent drop in temperature, he will continue sporting the same mesh Penn State Lacrosse shorts and Birkenstock sandals he has worn since the start of the 2007–08 academic year.
U.S. Breath Reaches All-Time Worst #~# WASHINGTON—Responding to a foul stench emanating from the mouths of Americans nationwide, officials from the U.S. Department of Breath and Human Services issued an emergency announcement Tuesday warning that American breath quality has been elevated to "stank mouth," the poorest single rating in the nation's 231-year history.
Single Parent Wishes She Had Thought Of Abandoning Child First #~# HERKIMER, NY—Following the unannounced departure of live-in boyfriend and father of her 2-year-old son, Joseph, Kelly Sperino, 22, told reporters Tuesday she was "absolutely devastated" that she had not come up with the idea of walking out on the responsibility of raising the toddler herself. "To leave your child, to walk out on your own flesh and blood—why didn't I think of that?" the unwed mother asked as she perused the classified ads in search of a second job. "It would have been so easy to say I was going to get a pack of cigarettes and then never come back. I could just kick myself." Sperino added that she was equally impressed that Joseph's father had the presence of mind to clean out the couple's joint bank account before skipping town.
Kidnapping British People Legal #~# A lawyer for the U.S. government told the Court of Appeal in London that the United States could legally kidnap citizens of other countries because it was sanctioned by the Supreme Court. What do you think?
Iran Gave Up Nuke Program In 2003 #~# A new assessment by American intelligence agencies stated that Iran halted their nuclear weapons program four years ago. What do you think?
Don Imus Returns To Airwaves For One Last 'Nappy-Headed Hos' Remark #~# NEW YORK—Don Imus, who was fired from his WFAN morning show in April after calling members of the Rutgers' women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos," returned to the airwaves Monday, citing a deep personal need to make one final "nappy-headed hos" comment. "I have endured eight long months of criticism, shame, and penance, but it will all have been worth it if I get opportunity to once again call a group of female African-American athletes 'nappy-headed hos' for all the world to hear," Imus said on his radio program Monday morning. "After all, calling people 'nappy-headed hos' is why I got into the radio business in the first place." Imus added that, if listeners thought the first time he said "nappy-headed hos" on the air was racially insensitive, they should really tune in tomorrow at around 8:35 a.m.
Dodgers Offer Twins Moon, Stars For Johan Santana #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Dodgers GM Ned Colletti announced Monday that although he has nothing to offer in the way of financial or material wealth, he is prepared to give the Twins the most beautiful thing of all—the moon itself—in exchange for pitcher Johan Santana. "I come to you today with no worldly possessions—save only my dreams. But to obtain the one you call Johan, I would happily toss a lasso 'round the moon and pull it down for you, or set a ladder amongst the stars and pluck them one by one from the night sky," Colletti shouted up to Twins GM Bill Smith, who stood on the balcony of the Opryland Hotel. "And should you not be satisfied with our package of the moon at night, the stars so bright, the sun that lights your days, and all that sparkles and shines in Heaven and on Earth, we may be willing to part with first baseman James Loney." After the Twins rejected his offer, Colletti promised the A's his hand in marriage in exchange for Danny Haren.
NCAA Abandons BCS, Implements New Argument-Based System For Determining College Football Rankings #~# INDIANAPOLIS—The NCAA Board of Governors announced Monday that it would be abandoning the complicated BCS formula, with its interdependent network of media and coaches polls and computer rankings, in favor of a more streamlined and manageable system consisting of millions of arguments among fans. "We feel that by monitoring opinions expressed during football-related arguments held in the nation's bars, restaurants, lunchrooms, Internet message boards, and dinner tables, we can amass all the data we need to rank the nation's college football teams throughout the season," NCAA president Myles Brand said in a press release detailing the argument-monitoring system already in place at most Division I colleges. "The best thing about this system is that arguments about the accuracy of the previous week's arguments are automatically factored in to each week's rankings. We feel we've finally found the solution fans have been demanding for years." Detractors of the new system claim it will reward larger schools with more vocal, more strident, and simply louder fans, as a recent test of the system had Texas, Michigan, Ohio State, Tennessee, Florida State, USC, Boston College, and Alabama all tied for first place.
Confusing 24-Player Trade Sends You, Scottie Pippen To Utah Jazz #~# SALT LAKE CITY—A multi-million-dollar blockbuster trade involving 24 players, six professional basketball teams, two hockey teams, and the Detroit Tigers' Triple-A affiliate Toledo Mud Hens eventually sent both you and retired Chicago Bulls All-Star forward Scottie Pippen to the Utah Jazz Tuesday. "I'm not exactly sure who we lost in the deal, but we're hoping that Scottie will be able to fill that void," Jazz general manager Kevin O'Connor said last night, adding that he also hopes you are comfortable with switching between both the point guard and small forward positions. "And, looking at the trade as a whole, I think [Sharks goalie] Evgeni Nabokov and [Dearborn, MI resident] Hank Glass will most easily be able to adapt to Phil Jackson's coaching style." Though O'Connor stated he believes that the Jazz came out on top in the complex transaction, he said Cleveland added real depth to their team with the addition of New Jersey Nets guard Jason Kidd and actor/comedian Paul Reiser.
Explaining the 2007 BCS Top Ten #~# 1. Ohio State (11-1): Shows what can happen in a contentious season if you just play pretty good football and wait for everyone to throw up their hands, say "screw it," and vote you No. 1 out of habit
Bob Costas Spontaneously Eulogizing At Sean Taylor's Funeral #~# MIAMI—Sportscaster Bob Costas interrupted the scripture reading at the funeral of slain Washington Redskins player Sean Taylor Monday, elbowing Pastor Antowyn Mells away from the podium, seizing the microphone, and then speaking at length in obscure sports references while extemporaneously eulogizing the Pro Bowl safety. "Looking across the sea of faces that have been brought together to honor a great man and a great athlete, I can see a range of emotions from sadness, to anger, to outrage," Costas told a stunned and confused crowd of thousands mourners. "Sadly, Sean Taylor was taken before his time, much as my beloved Mickey Mantle, Pancho Herrera, and Pumpsie Green… I am just as shocked and dismayed as anyone at how my mom could throw away those baseball cards." According to sources attending the memorial, Costas never mentioned Taylor after his initial comments, but did spend 45 minutes fondly recalling the men's 20-kilometer biathlon at the 1994 Winter Olympics at Lillehammer. 
NFL Meteorologists Warn Steaming Black-Guy Heads Occurring Later Every Year #~# NEW YORK—Steaming black-guy heads, the traditional sign of approaching winter for generations of football fans, have been occurring later in the season with every passing year, a fact that may be evidence of a climatic change with long-term effects on football itself, top scientists in the meteorological department of the National Football League said in a study released Monday.
30 Miserable Lives Lost In Greyhound Bus Crash #~# ALBANY, NY—In one of the most merciful disasters in recent years, a Greyhound bus traveling from Rochester to Albany, NY skidded into a ditch Tuesday, killing a dozen deadbeat fathers and penniless addicts, and putting nearly 20 more hapless bastards out of their misery.
My Son And His Friends Will Never Find My Secret Playboy Stash #~# I consider myself to be a good, responsible father. I put a roof over my children's heads, I'm always willing to sit down and help them with their homework, and I make sure to keep my titty magazines in a location so ingenious that my teenage son stands no chance of ever stumbling upon them.
These Time-Management Issues Will Be Easily Resolved With A Series Of Streamlined Meetings #~# It's come to my attention that this office hasn't been managing time efficiently lately, so I'd like to use this open forum to address just a couple of the more pressing motivational concerns not covered in my last series of staff-wide e-mails. This is just a launching-off point to get the dialogue started. Obviously there will be more issues arising in the next few weeks—especially during Special Projects/New Goals week—and some of these issues will change slightly or completely, so we'll have to readdress those specific challenges at a later date or as they occur.
The Mideast Peace Talks #~# At last week's historic Mideast peace conference in Annapolis, MD, Prime Minister Ehud Olmert of Israel and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas sat down to begin the peace process. Here is what they agreed on:
Seating Chart Revised To Put Problem Senators Up Front #~# WASHINGTON—After several incidents of bipartisan name-calling and disruptive filibustering, Senate president Dick Cheney announced Monday that the congressional seating chart has been revised to put problem lawmakers up front. “I was hoping it wouldn’t have to come to this, but Mr. [Sen. Dick] Durbin (D-IL) and Mr. [Sen. Jim] DeMint (R-SC), among others, have shown they’re not mature enough to handle sitting in the back,” said Cheney, who reportedly made Durbin read a secret bill out loud in front of the entire assembly after he was caught passing it to Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-CA). “I’m not going to let a few bad apples ruin lawmaking for the senators who are here to work.” Cheney added that, if the behavior problems persist, the whole Senate will be made to come into the Capitol Building to legislate on weekends. 
God Told Roberts To Quit University #~# Amidst charges of mishandling resources, Richard Roberts resigned from his post as president of the debt-saddled Oral Roberts University, saying God told him to step down. What do you think? 
Conservation Group Condemns Waterboarding As Wasteful #~# WASHINGTON—National Water Watch, a Washington-based conservation group, criticized the government's use of waterboarding Monday, calling the practice of stuffing a cloth into a detainee's mouth, immobilizing him, and pouring water over his face and body to simulate the sensation of drowning "a tragic waste of resources." "The idea that the United States could condone the despicable act of squandering several pitchers of water is shameful," NWW spokesman Gregory Hammil said. "It is amoral, unconscionable, and in direct opposition to all internationally recognized water- saving techniques." Hammil recommended the government switch to more eco-friendly means of enhanced interrogation, such as waterboarding with a return-hose device in order to reuse old water, or simply beating suspected terrorists to a bloody pulp.
Evel Knievel Dead #~# Legendary stuntman Evel Knievel died at home last week at the age of 69. What do you think? 
Christmas Trees More Expensive #~# Due to high fuel costs, the price of Christmas trees will be around 10 percent higher this year. What do you think?
Local Radio Station Has Got Some Doobie Brothers Coming Up For You #~# NORWALK, CT—According to sources, local radio station 95.9 The Fox has got some Doobie Brothers on the way for you in just a few minutes, along with some Stones, some  Skynyrd, and they'll kick it all off with some Hendrix. Though they are just wrapping up another 50 minutes of nonstop rock—you heard from Marshall Tucker, Boston, a little Steve Miller "Rock 'N Me" mixed in there, and they closed it out with a Zeppelin twin-spin—you're going to want to stay tuned because they've got another nine in a row headed your way at the top of the hour, as well as a chance to win some great prizes, including two tickets to see the Eagles live at Mohegan Sun. But first, the station has announced plans to take you all the way back to 1972 with this classic tune.
Man Finally Put In Charge Of Struggling Feminist Movement #~# WASHINGTON—After decades spent battling gender discrimination and inequality in the workplace, the feminist movement underwent a high-level shake-up last month, when 53-year-old management consultant Peter "Buck" McGowan took over as new chief of the worldwide initiative for women's rights.
Lone Gunman Envied By Married Gunman #~# LOS ANGELES—If you ask Dale Henderson, a local assassin who celebrated his eighth wedding anniversary last month, lone gunman John Kingsley has no idea how good he has it.
Hamas Victorious #~# Following Sharon's replacement and the recent political victory for Hamas, the future of the Middle East looks more uncertain than ever. What do you think?
Google Refuses To Turn Over Records To Government #~# Internet search-engine giant Google is refusing to turn over their records to the Justice Department, raising major privacy concerns for Web users. What do you think?
West Wing Canceled #~# NBC canceled its critically acclaimed show The West Wing after seven seasons. What do you think?
Yao Ming Living Up To Height Expectations #~# HOUSTON—Despite initial skepticism among NBA fans and analysts, Rockets center Yao Ming has had no trouble living up to the expectations of coaches and players that he would be 7'5" tall. "There was a lot of hype surrounding Yao's stature when he was selected as the first overall pick in the 2002 NBA draft, but he has turned out to be one of the most consistently tall players in the league," NBA analyst Marc Stein said. "Every time he runs out on the court, he's as tall as he can possibly be, and while Yao's shown no signs of improving in this area of his game, he's certainly not getting any shorter, either." Stein added that, while many suggested he could never match up against his star-center counterpart Shaquille O'Neal, Yao has been at least four inches greater than him in every contest this season.
NHL Players Protest New Goaltending Penalty #~# NEW YORK—Less than six months since players returned from a yearlong lockout, hockey is once again in turmoil following last week's announcement that "goaltending," or attempting to obstruct a shot on goal or impede the puck's progress with one's body or stick, would become a two-minute minor penalty, a rule change that went into effect Monday. "Increasing scoring with rule changes and cracking down on obstruction is one thing," said Phoenix Coyotes goaltender Curtis Joseph, who claims his job is being banned by the league. "But to take a page from the NBA and just outlaw goaltending outright… Maybe it's just me, but I think that rule just plain goes against the spirit of hockey." Veteran NHL centers, forwards, and some defensemen took issue with Joseph's remarks, claiming he was still angry over being penalized seven times in the Coyotes' Monday night game against Dallas, in which Joseph had zero saves and lost 88-105.
Onion Sports Super Bowl Preview #~# With just one game remaining in the NFL season, the field of championship contenders has been trimmed considerably. Over the next two weeks, we wrap up this season's pro-football coverage with continuing Super Bowl dispatches from Detroit. Turn to Onion Sports for complete reports on sport's greatest spectacle, staged this year in one of America's most urban cities. Onion Sports will be updating its Super Bowl XL coverage daily during the week, with an entirely new Onion Sports page every Thursday as always.
Backwoods Kenyan Just Watches Marathons For The Crashes #~# LODWAR VALLEY, KENYA—Kenyan Cletus Jerop-Ogechi, a currently unemployed welder and self-described "old school" marathon fan, confessed openly Tuesday to enjoying long-distance cross-country running solely for the crashes. "Kenyans is the best in the world at endurance runnin'—ask anyone—but distance runnin' ain't nothing without the occasional old-fashioned low-blood-sugar elbow-to-the-ribs wreck," Ogechi told Runner's World through a translator Tuesday. "You get six, eight, twelve guys in a pack peelin' off five-minute miles and rubbin' shoulders, somethin's got to give. Might as well enjoy it, am I right?" Ogechi's all-time favorite crash occurred during the 2002 Greater Hartford Marathon, in which winner Joseph Nderitu twice spun out Ethiopian entrant Kassahun Kabiso, causing him to limp home a distant second with badly damaged bodywork.
Conservatives Rule Canada #~# Stephen Harper and his Conservative Party ousted Liberal Party incumbent Paul Martin in general elections. What do you think?
Live Every Day As If You're Dying Of A Contagious Disease That Turns People You Bite Into Zombies #~# Wake up, people! Life is not a spectator sport. It could all end tomorrow, and there are no second chances, unless of course you're bitten by someone like me. 
I Enjoy The Occasional Tranq Dart #~# I'm a regular lowland gorilla like anybody else. And sometimes, at the end of a particularly frantic and rampaging day, I need a little something to take the edge off.
January 23, 1973 #~# Henley, Frey Urge Nation To Take It Easy: Laid-Back Eagles Call For National Mellowing-Out Period
Ghost Of Brando Urges Man To Finish Whole Cheesecake #~# MASON CITY, IA—The ghostly shade of Marlon Brando appeared before Carl Wilkins Sunday to urge the 36-year-old auto-body technician to devour an entire two-pound cheesecake. "He was really intense, rubbing his head and jutting out his jaw and saying, over and over, 'Finish it off,'" said a slightly shaken and dyspeptic Wilkins. "I'd forgotten how good Brando could be." After Wilkins swallowed his last bite, the apparition smiled with an orange slice in its mouth and disappeared.
Craigslist Apartment Listing Uses Record 354 Exclamation Points #~# SAN FRANCISCO—A Craigslist advertisement for a two-bedroom apartment in San Francisco's Castro district has set an all-time Internet record for exclamation-point usage with 354, the Bureau Of Statistics reported Tuesday. "The 28 exclamation points following the lead phrase, 'MUST SEE,' were excessive, but not record-breaking," said BOS statistician Randall Carrey. "But within the ad itself, the word 'nice' is in all caps and followed by 354 marks. Quite extraordinary." The previous online record, 312, was set in a 2003 eBay listing for Camaro parts.
Man's Relationship Advice Same As His Hunting Tips #~# VERONA, WI—Friends report that HVAC installer Kirk Pulver has markedly similar advice on both relationships and deer hunting. "You have to dress either to blend in with the scenery or to stand out from it, depending on the situation, but either way, you want to disguise your scent," said Pulver to friends at a local tavern. "You have to find out where they eat, where they sleep, where they pee, and when they're most likely to be off guard. Then, when you've got a clear look at their rack and you're sure they're legal, bam! You take 'em." Pulver's associates noted that he has not bagged a deer or a woman in six years.
Sharon's Neurotransmitters Reach Cease-Fire Agreement #~# JERUSALEM—After more than 77 years under constant fire, the neurotransmitters of Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's brain could be nearing a truce. "These endless, often senseless patterns of never-ending discharge must come to an end," a spokesman for Sharon's neurostructure told reporters. "Activity has already slowed considerably since the violent blood-clot explosion in his brain earlier this month. We expect a total cessation of cranial nerve firings within two weeks." Observers are unsure whether the cease-fire will bring peace to Sharon's war-torn cranial region, but they remain guardedly optimistic.
Christian Juggler Regrets Years Wasted As Secular Juggler #~# TUPELO, MS—Born-again Christian juggler Jesse Lindall, 44, said Tuesday he regrets his secular past. "Kids are trying to juggle friends and school, so it can be overwhelming when Satan throws them a temptation—ho!" Lindall said as he added a flaming torch to a circle of juggling pins. "I used to juggle for kicks and some spare change, but now I'm doing it to spread Christ's Word to young people. I only wish I would've used my juggling for a greater purpose years ago. Ho!" Lindall said he is working on a new bit that involves juggling multiplying loaves of bread and fish.
Secretary Of Agriculture Keeps Bragging He's Ninth In Line For The Presidency #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Beltway insiders report that since his appointment in February 2005, Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns has been preoccupied with the fact that he is ninth in the line of presidential succession.
More Companies Phasing Out Retirement Option #~# NEW YORK—With pension funds dwindling as retirees enjoy longer, more capable lives, many businesses have opted to freeze their workers' employment status and keep them on the job through their sunset years.
Nation's Snowmen March Against Global Warming #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Braving balmy temperatures and sunny skies, millions of scarfless snowmen and snowwomen gathered in cities across the world Tuesday to raise public awareness about the heavy toll global warming is taking on their health and well-being.
Second-Graders Wow Audience With School Production Of Equus #~# NEWPORT NEWS, VA—Second-grade students at Franklin Elementary School impressed parents, teachers, and fellow students with their recent production of Peter Shaffer's Equus Friday.
Bush Pictured With Abramoff #~# According to a recent article in Time, scandal-tainted lobbyist Jack Abramoff has been pictured with President Bush on no fewer than six occasions. What do you think?
Second U.S. Mining Disaster #~# Two separate mining disasters in West Virginia have claimed 12 lives in the past month. What do you think?
Death With Dignity Upheld #~# The Supreme Court upheld Oregon's Death With Dignity Act, a law that enables Oregon doctors to help terminally ill patients die. What do you think?
Latin America Leaning Left #~# With the election of Socialist pediatrician Michelle Bachelet in Chile, Latin America is leaning further to the left. What do you think?
Patriots' 2006 Victory Parade Awkward, Sparsely Attended #~# BOSTON—Poor player attendance, negligible fan turnout, and a marked lack of general enthusiasm marred the New England Patriots’ annual season-ending parade through the streets of Boston Monday in what is being regarded as the worst such parade in the last three years.
Bill Romanowski Bursts Into Senate To Deny He Ever Took Steroids #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Former NFL linebacker Bill Romanowski, known during his 17-year career as a gung-ho fitness freak with a near-perfect physique, receding hairline, and extremely short temper, ran onto the floor of the United States Capitol building Monday, interrupting Samuel Alito's Supreme Court confirmation hearings and resisting the efforts of Capitol police to detain him while loudly and repeatedly insisting he never took steroids. "This is all natural muscle—I could still play today!" said Romanowski, the cords standing out on his neck as he proclaimed his innocence, apparently forgetting that he confessed to steroid use on 60 Minutes in October 2005. "Get off me! I'm talking to the freaking Senate!" Romanowski was eventually wrestled to the ground by law-enforcement officers and charged with creating a public disturbance and battery after breaking the nose and orbital bone of Capitol police officer Mark Williams. 
Eminem Remarries Ex-Wife #~# Eminem, aka Marshal Mathers, remarried his ex-wife Kim, about whom he had written a song involving her murder and dismemberment. What do you think?
Driving Truck Also Important Part Of NASCAR Truck Series Champion's Offseason #~# FRANKLIN, WI—2005 NASCAR Truck Series points champion Ted Musgrave said Monday that driving a Dodge Ram pickup truck also plays an important role in his life off the racetrack. "A lot of guys, they finish the series and they don't want to even look at a truck until next February," Musgrave said. "Not me, though. Just because I make a pretty good living nine months a year driving a truck doesn't mean I lose my passion for driving trucks for stretches of 150 to 250 miles—sometimes much shorter—come the end of the season." Musgrave added that he puts the same amount of effort and intensity into a January trip to his in-laws' house in Milwaukee as he does the Paramount Health Insurance 200 at the Texas Motor Speedway each June.
Mother Throws Away Son's Baseball-Card Collection As Required By Narrative Convention #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—With her son Jason safely away at college, Janet Pinsky fulfilled the traditional custom of any suburban mother by throwing away her son's baseball-card collection without asking his permission. "Lord knows I didn't want to just toss seven years and over 1,300 cards—including the '86 Topps Traded Barry Bonds rookie, the rare limited-edition Michael Jordan Upper Deck, and the '91 Donruss Signature Series Ripken with hologram border—into the trash, but I have certain obligations as a middle-class-mother archetype," said Pinsky, who years earlier was helpless to do anything but disapprove of Jason's first girlfriend even though she seemed like a perfectly sweet girl, and whose own mother had no choice but to give away her brother's 1951 Bowman Mickey Mantle rookie. "It's a shame I had to get rid of them—some of those cards would have been worth a lot of money someday." In keeping with the convention, Pinsky will remain silent on the issue until Alex Rodriguez hits his 800th home run 10 years from now, at which point she will inform her excited son that the cards were taking up too much room in the basement and that he hadn't played with them in years, anyway.
Area Man Won't Do Anything Without Express Written Consent Of NFL #~# PITTSBURGH—Joel Mikita, a Steelers fan and extremely loyal follower of professional football, seeks out the NFL's explicit permission before engaging in any sort of activity or conversation he thinks they may not approve of, the commissioner's office of the National Football League reported Wednesday. "When we first received a letter from Mr. Mikita in January 1995 requesting permission to record the AFC Championship game because he had to work that Sunday, we thought it was a considerate gesture and of course granted him approval," said NFL Standards And Practices chairman Mark Helowitz. "But since then, it's gotten a little out of hand. We have a team of lawyers working around the clock inventing forms and drawing up new regulations for him, informing him if it's okay to tell his buddy the final score of last night's game, or if he's allowed to say bad things about the Eagles coaching staff, or if he can tape a game with his TiVo, and if so, whether or not we care if he fast-forwards through the commercials." Helowitz added that amidst all the requests, there was one "really sweet one" seven years ago in which Mikita asked for written permission to ask his longtime girlfriend Michelle to marry him.
January 18, 1991 #~# CNN Deploys Troops To Iraq: ‘This Is War,’ Says James Earl Jones
Alito Confirmation Likely #~# Despite a contentious hearing, Samuel Alito appears to be on track to be nominated to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. What do you think?
Freudian Physical Therapist Convinced Dream Actually About Knee #~# WESTPORT, CT—Cal Eddards, a physical therapist who treats injuries through Freudian dream analysis, said her patient's dream of isolation and disorientation was about his torn ACL. "Patient A dreamed that his house had several new, ominous rooms—clearly a subconscious manifestation of ruptured tendon," Eddards wrote in the PT Bulletin Online. "The unstable knee, coupled with his normal fears of castration, have caused a state of repressed emotionality that, if left untreated, could contribute to bursitis later in life."
Corn Lobby Tightens The Screws #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Representatives from the National Corn Growers Association put the screws to several U.S. senators in a meeting held at an undisclosed Washington hotel Monday. "If you guys don't support an increase in the National Plant Genome Initiative budget, we'll shuck you like an ear of freshly roasted Iowa sweet," NCGA CEO Rick Tolm said, idly twirling a double-pronged, cob-shaped corn holder in his hand. Senators reportedly promised they'd vote for the budget increase after Tolm threatened to throw them in hot oil and watch them pop.
Gumption Rewarded With Even More Work #~# BROOKLYN, MI—Homex Plastics floor manager Mike DiCenzo, who often puts in 60-hour weeks to make sure his employer's small factory runs smoothly, was rewarded with extra work. "DiCenzo showed a commitment above and beyond his job description by monitoring each machine and quality-checking each of the products produced in the last quarter,"  an article in PlasticTalk's "Lateral Moves" section read. "In recognition, Homex management added these duties to his job description, and gave him extra responsibilities on the premix and maintenance lines." DiCenzo received the title of Supervising Floor Manager and no raise in pay.
Bush Urges Senate To Give Alito Fair, Quick, Unanimous Confirmation #~# WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush urged the Senate Monday to act with speed, evenhandedness, and absolute obedience in confirming Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. "Each of you, as servants of the public trust, must consider this man carefully, review his record, and vote 'yes,'" Bush said. "I ask that you do your duty, and treat this as you would any of my priorities, be they judges, legislation, or wars." Bush's message was not well-received on either side of the aisle, with Democrats accusing him of bullying tactics and Republicans hurt he thought he had to ask.
Real-Life Stranger On A Train Less Interesting Than Hitchcock Version #~# PATERSON, NJ—On his commute to work Monday, Patrick Highsmith met a stranger who did not entangle him in a torrid affair, cross-country intrigue, or an elaborate murder plot. "The man made conversation, but it was just boring stuff: work, kids, sports, TV shows," Highsmith said of the bald, heavily jowled man seated next to him on the 8:17 a.m. train. "No suspicious redcaps, no faintly menacing blonde femme fatale, no rack zooms out the window, nothing." Highsmith said he was also unimpressed after spending several weeks spying on his neighbors while confined to a wheelchair.
Your Offer Of Gum Seems Rather Disingenuous #~# Can you indulge me with a few moments of your time? I want to address something that happened a minute ago. We were talking, quite civilly, and then you reached into your pocket and pulled out a pack of Wrigley's Eclipse. One of their "new and improved" peppermints. You took a piece for yourself, and then—for reasons I can't quite understand—offered me a piece.  
Hi, I Like To Cut Myself #~# When I encounter people on the street or in the supermarket or at school, the first things they notice, I'm convinced, are the self-inflicted cuts and scars on my body. And sure, I can see how it might seem, at first glance, like I devote all my time to slashing and carving my skin. But nothing could be further from the truth. 
U.S. Holds Going-Out-Of-Business Sale #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In an address broadcast on late-night television Tuesday, President Bush announced that the federal government will liquidate its holdings in a going-out-of-business sale scheduled to begin Friday. 
Maverick Hunter's 'Human Beings As Prey' Plan Not As Challenging As Expected #~# PERIL ISLAND—Big-game hunter Baron Hugo von Urwitz conceded Tuesday that his theory that human beings are the most cunning and challenging of quarry is seriously flawed.
Sean Penn Demands To Know What Asshole Took SeanPenn@ gmail.com #~# LOS ANGELES—In an impassioned 1,900-word open letter published in Monday's Washington Post, actor-director Sean Penn urged the unknown person who registered the e-mail address SeanPenn@gmail.com to "come forward immediately, rather than wallowing in the shame and ignominy of fraud."
Call Of Duty 2 Gamer Wonders If War Is Worth Dying 79 Times For #~# PITTSFIELD, MA—As World War II entered its sixth grueling week within the video game Call Of Duty 2, battle-hardened soldier-player Martin Avers admitted Tuesday that his commitment to the struggle to free electronic Europe from the virtual Third Reich is wavering.
Brangelina Expecting #~# Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt’s baby. What do you think?
New York Jets Finish Season #~# RUTHERFORD, NJ—Despite the doubts of many football fans, media figures, and people within the Jets organization itself, the New York Jets have indeed finished their entire 2005-2006 season. "We might have lost 12 games, our coach, and possibly our starting quarterback," said GM Terry Bradway, who called the season a "qualified success" in a subdued press conference Tuesday. "But in spite of everything, we fielded a team that played 16 regular-season NFL games. There are only 31 other teams out there who can say the same thing." Bradway would not comment on whether the Jets would be able to complete future seasons, saying that, for now, team management was concentrating on making it through all seven rounds of the NFL draft.
Pete Rose Caught Trying To Get Inducted Into Hall Of Fame Under Assumed Name #~# COOPERSTOWN, NY—The Baseball Writers Association of America announced that the "former Cincinnati Reds superstar" and "quiet, unassuming model citizen" by the name of "Pat Rosenburg," whose career statistics merited Hall of Fame consideration, was revealed by investigators to be a desperate, mustachioed, glasses-wearing Pete Rose. "When I looked at Pat Rosenburg’s stats—17-time All-Star, three batting titles, tied with Pete Rose for the career hits lead—I had to wonder why this so-called ‘Chuckie Hustle’ wasn’t already in the Hall," said Jayson Stark, who, along with other members of the BBWAA, was informed Wednesday of Pete Rose’s role in the Pat Rosenburg candidacy. "Luckily for the integrity of the game, [Rosenburg] wasn’t elected by voters anyway because he only had 160 career home runs." Rose is expected to fervently deny the allegations that Pat Rosenburg was just him in disguise, as his upcoming tell-all autobiography, My Secret Life As Pat Rosenburg, does not hit stores until late July.
Bode Miller: Skiing While On Cocaine, Vicodin, LSD Also Not Easy #~# NEW YORK—Skier Bode Miller, the outspoken defending World Cup champion and American gold-medal favorite who was quoted on 60 Minutes as saying that skiing drunk was not easy, expanded on those statements in a press conference Wednesday. "When there’s as much powder up your nose as there is under your skis, those slalom gates come at you a lot quicker than one every second—but with enough Vicodin, you really don’t care if you catch one across your nose," said Miller, who laughed and made skiing motions with his hands as he delivered his rapid-fire 20-minute, four-sentence-long statement. "And let me tell you, it’s even worse when the acid makes it seem like the gates are all laughing at you with a million tiny mouths." Miller added that the sensory distortion of powerful drug cocktails were often ameliorated by skiing with a nude woman "positioned on your shoulders so as to block your view, if you know what I mean," but that he preferred lighter, more supple underage women for that purpose.
NFL Refs Admit 'Everything Just Happens So Fast' #~# TAMPA, FL—Just hours after officiating the Buccaneers-Redskins wild-card playoff game, referee Mike Carey admitted that "everything happens so fast out there it's a miracle we see anything at all." "Believe me, pro football is one quick game, and the rules are pretty intricate," said Carey, who admits he probably misses half the infractions that occur in a normal NFL matchup. "Especially the pass interference and defensive holding stuff, who can put hands on who at what point, I can hardly keep it straight—and I'm one of the quick ones. I have no idea how a guy like, say, Ed Hochuli keeps it all together." NFL director of officiating Mike Pereira stated Monday that Carey would not be reprimanded for his unusually frank comments, saying that he himself "almost never even sees stuff like clipping or hands to the face."
Alcohol Awareness Class #~# Colleges across the country are requiring incoming freshmen to take an online alcohol-awareness course. What do you think?
Venezuela Offers Oil To Poor In Massachusetts #~# Under an agreement with Venezuela President Hugo Chavez, the poor in Massachusetts will receive cheap heating oil this winter. What do you think?
Gay Cowboy Film Buzz #~# Brokeback Mountain, Ang Lee's controversial gay cowboy film, is generating Oscar buzz. What do you think?
Greenspan Retiring #~# After 18 years of service, Alan Greenspan is retiring as chairman of the Federal Reserve at the age of 79. What do you think?
January 4, 1959 #~# Alaska, Hawaii, Guam, Bora Bora, Samoa, Philippines, Japan Granted U.S. Statehood
I Miss My Old Sled #~# I have been informed that winter has been upon us for a good month now. It is during this long season that my thoughts invariably turn to my childhood so long ago in the Oregon Territory. My dominant memory of those times is of snow, snow and more snow. Snow whirling about in great billows; snow piled in huge, sloping drifts; snow coming to rest against the rough-hewn timbers and window-panes of my mother's boarding-house. 
We're Sick And Tired Of Raising Your Young #~# Listen, humans, I am really starting to get tired of this crap. Get your shit together and learn to keep better track of your young, because we wolves are seriously sick of raising them.
Why Can't We Have A Nice Igloo Like The Meekitjuks Next Door? #~# This so-called "igloo" of ours, dear, is a complete embarrassment. Some days, I don't even want to be seen crawling out of the entrance. Now, the Meekitjuks next door, they've got a beautiful place—perfectly cut blocks of ice, a nice, wide entrance, and a two-sled snow rampart built into the back. Why can't we live in a decent igloo like them?
Cold And Flu Prevention Tips #~# Here are some tips to help keep you healthy and germ-free during these cold winter months:
Swiss Threaten Ricola Embargo #~# BERN, SWITZERLAND—Angered by rising international tariffs against his nation, Swiss president Gunter Klima threatened a worldwide Ricola embargo Tuesday. "If these unfair tariffs are not lifted," Klima said, "we will have no choice but to withhold our natural Alpine-herb throat lozenges, causing billions of throats across the globe to go tragically unsoothed." An estimated 2.1 billion people rely on Swiss menthol for their throat-calming needs.
ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year #~# IRVING, TX—Hoping to avoid the “scraping and scrambling” it does every year, the ExxonMobil Corporation announced Tuesday that it has made a solemn promise to get moving on taxes early this year. “I swear, this time we are not going to be up all night on April 15,” ExxonMobil chairman and CEO Lee R. Raymond said. “We’re going to start sorting through those receipts from the Qatar and Malaysia production facilities the first weekend we have time. Wouldn’t it be nice to get it done ahead of time for a change?” Raymond said he hasn’t forgotten driving around at 10 p.m. looking for a gas station with a copy machine last year.
Man From Canada Acts Like He's Not Cold #~# BOSTON—While visiting family in Boston, Geoff MacArdle of Ottawa refused to admit that he was cold Monday. "This is nothing—this is like May in Ottawa," insisted MacArdle, wearing a light spring jacket despite 23-degree temperatures. "Where I'm from, we have picnics in this weather." MacArdle then went indoors, saying he had nothing to prove.
Antarctic Observational Comic Running Out Of Ideas #~# BYRD, ANTARCTICA—Brad Swithers, three-time winner of the Molson Ice/Edge Gel South Pole Laff-Off, said Monday that he is running out of ideas for observational humor about life in Antarctica. "I've already made tons of 'What's the deal with those ice chunks that form between the huskies' toes?' jokes," Swithers said. "And, of course, I've done the whole penguins-and-smelt thing to death." Swithers added that he's currently working on a bit about the differences between Amundsen Bay and Voyeykov Ice Shelf women.
Guy Who Just Wiped Out Immediately Claims He's Fine #~# SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT—A fraction of a second after wiping out on a patch of ice, South Burlington pedestrian Isaac Berkman loudly insisted that he was fine. "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine," Berkman, 24, told concerned onlookers before he even straightened his badly twisted legs and attempted to stand up. "I'm okay." After noticing a deep gash just below his left knee, Berkman instantly assured witnesses that the heavily bleeding wound was "no biggie" and "totally under control."
Peppy U.S. Teens Vow To Make This The Best Year Ever #~# WASHINGTON, DC—At a pep rally Monday on the National Mall, a coalition of enthusiastic U.S. teens vowed to make 2006 the "best year ever."
Marital Frustrations Channeled Through Thermostat #~# DULUTH, MN—Continuing a decades-long pattern of displacement, Carl and Barb Kulick channeled their marital frustrations through their home's Honeywell T87 manual-control thermostat Monday.
Plan To Straighten Out Entire Life During Weeklong Vacation Yields Mixed Results #~# MANCHESTER, NH—Returning to work after seven days off, Derek Olson, 31, confessed Monday that his plan to use his weeklong vacation to straighten out his life yielded mixed results.
Important Christmas Lessons Already Forgotten #~# HARTFORD, CT—As the nation moves on from last month's family gatherings, churchgoing, and goodwill toward men, the annual post-Christmas readjustment process is proceeding on schedule, with millions of Americans forgoing their temporary generosity of spirit and resuming their petty, miserable treatment of one another.
U.S.-North Korea Relations #~# The U.S. is struggling to handle its relations with volatile, unpredictable North Korea. What do you think?
March 4, 1997 #~# Federal Seat Of Power Moves To Mall Of America
Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus? #~# People often ask me when they should teach the Good News to their housecats. I have but one answer: "What are you waiting for?" 
I Can Write 600 Words About Anything #~# Let's see now, where to begin…
Stealth Bomber Being Retired #~# The revolutionary $45 million nearly radar-invisible F-117A Nighthawk, better known as the Stealth Bomber, is being phased out of existence by the military by 2007. What do you think?
Kennedy Center To Dishonor Gilbert Gottfried #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced that it would dishonor comedian Gilbert Gottfried for his longtime contributions to American entertainment in its annual ceremony this December. "For bringing his abrasive voice and lowbrow sensibility to productions as diverse as Disney's Aladdin, the AFLAC commercials, USA Up All Night, and his deeply offensive performance in the documentary The Aristocrats, we are proud to dishonor Gilbert Gottfried," read a press release issued Tuesday. Gottfried will share the evening with fellow dishonorees Jimmy Buffett and Uwe Boll.
Christian Rock Uninspired #~# BEATRICE, NE—Here Comes The Son (Of God), the latest album by Christian rock band Fisherz Of Men, is being panned by Nebraska Christian-rock critics as passionless and uninspired. "This effort, if it can be called that, is nothing more than shallow feel-good meanderings and phoned-in musicianship," said critic Kevin Ames. "The questionable 'Drinking In Remembrance' and the tepid 'hard rock' cover of 'Lord I Lift Your Name On High' haven't got a prayer of winning new converts." Lead singer Seth Jago admitted that the band has been "going through a real personal Gethsemane."
Chris Penn's Body Double Really Letting Self Go #~# LOS ANGELES—Friends say Dennis Sierpinski, who worked as Chris Penn's body double until the actor's untimely death last month, has been "seriously packing on the pounds." "Dennis has always been a stocky guy, but formerly, he was required to keep his weight down to Chris Penn levels to keep working," said friend Rachel Rosen. "Now there's nothing holding him back—I can't believe this is the same guy who doubled for Chris Penn in Starsky & Hutch." Friend and former River Phoenix body double Allan Shedd has urged Sierpinski to seek look-alike bereavement counseling. 
Copy Editor's Revenge Takes Form Of Unhyphenated Word #~# BOSTON—Bruce Huntoon, a copy editor at Pilot magazine, intentionally did not correct the copy of columnist Justin Mann Monday. "I am tired of that insufferable asshole's mean-spirited jokes," Huntoon said. "So, when he described the carburetor warmer as a 'twentieth century' invention, I decided to leave the copy untouched and let him deal with the consequences of his actions. The fucker." Huntoon said the unhyphenated compound modifier is the most extreme step he has ever taken, adding that he drafted a resignation notice that he will hand in should his superiors notice the omission.
National Weather Service To Give Hurricanes Full Names #~# SILVER SPRING, MD—The National Weather Service announced Friday that, in response to the increasing number of hurricanes, it is revising its naming system. "The hundreds of hurricanes we expect in the North Atlantic in 2006 will receive both proper and surnames," Max Mayfield of the weather service said. "In fact, tropical storms Alberto Fergus, Beverly Stenwick-Brown, and Chris Stubbs Jr. have already received names under the new system." After all possible first and last names are exhausted, storms will be given titles, beginning with Hurricane Assistant Accounts Manager Alexander Epps, CPA.
New Wool Blanket Tears Commune Apart #~# CARIBOU, ME—Residents of the recently disbanded intentional-living community Harmony's Path said Monday that disputes concerning the shared use of a homemade wool blanket caused the utopian society's rapid undoing.
Modern-Day John Henry Dies Trying To Out-Spreadsheet Excel 11.0 #~# BALTIMORE—Office laborers across the nation are mourning the passing of Wallace Peters, 42, the mythic three-column accountant at Chesapeake & Ohio Consultants who pitted himself against Microsoft's latest version of the popular spreadsheet program Excel.
Democrats Vow Not To Give Up Hopelessness #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference on the steps of the Capitol Monday, Congressional Democrats announced that, despite the scandals plaguing the Republican Party and widespread calls for change in Washington, their party will remain true to its hopeless direction. 
Rotation Of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness #~# NEW YORK—Millions of eyewitnesses watched in stunned horror Tuesday as light emptied from the sky, plunging the U.S. and neighboring countries into darkness. As the hours progressed, conditions only worsened.
Disgraced Radio Shack CEO Forced To Step Down #~# David Edmondson, CEO of Radio Shack, resigned when it was revealed that he had falsified his résumé. What do you think?
Study: Low-Fat Diet Doesn't Lower Heart Disease #~# The findings of a new study show that low-fat diets do not reduce risk of cancer or heart disease. What do you think?
Sammy Sosa Retires 12 Home Runs Shy Of Steroid Investigation #~# BALTIMORE—Sammy Sosa, the slugger who won the attention and suspicion of American baseball fans with a series of 60-homer seasons in the late '90s, announced last Wednesday that he will retire from the sport despite, and in light of, being just 12 home runs away from the monumental and incriminating total of 600. "Sammy has given a lot to the game of baseball, but he feels that, at this point in his career, he just can't give any more, at least without coming under intense scrutiny from the media, Congress, and private investigators," Sosa's agent Adam Katz said. "I have spoken with Sammy, as well as his team of lawyers, and we all agree that this is the absolute right time for him to retire, with his dignity, legacy, and unblemished drug-abuse record still intact." Katz added that Sosa's plans for retirement include focusing on staying out of the spotlight, losing a few pounds in his head, neck, arms, and shoulders, and re-learning the English language in preparation for a short, succinct Hall of Fame induction speech in five years.
U.S. Olympic Hockey Team Continues 26-Year Streak Of Non-Miraculous Play #~# TURIN, ITALY—The U.S. men's hockey team, the lowest-ranked of all national squads going into Wednesday's quarterfinals with a 1-3-1 record, is continuing a tradition of non-miraculous play that began immediately after the medal ceremony of the 1980 Olympic Games in Lake Placid, NY. "Assembling our nation's best hockey talent on a single team might seem like a formula for miraculous on-ice achievement, but this turns out not to be the case," U.S. head coach Peter Laviolette said following his team's 5-4 defeat at the hands of the Russian squad Tuesday. "But there's lots of problems. It's hard for some of the NHL players to work together, the larger ice surface leads to more fatigue than players expect, and frankly, even if we beat everyone, it's hardly a 'miracle' if our pros beat their pros anyway." Many fans have come to the team's defense despite the their poor Olympic showing, saying that such phenomena as Chris Chelios playing at his advanced age, the presence of a Hispanic hockey player, and the fact that NHL players have agreed to play for free are all minor miracles.
Tony Stewart: 'I Can't Believe The Other Drivers Fell For That 'Safety' Crap' #~# DAYTONA BEACH, FL—2005 Nextel Cup champion Tony Stewart, who consistently preached the importance of safety in the weeks leading up to the Daytona 500 only to be involved in several on-track incidents during the race, said Tuesday he simply couldn't believe that anyone was taken in by his "safety crap." "I mean, come on, this is me we're talking about here," said Stewart, who admitted to purposefully sending Matt Kenseth spinning down the track directly in the path of other drivers while on his way to a fifth-place finish. "Everyone should know I don't give a damn. I knocked Matt out of the way, I took a good run at Jeff Gordon, and if by-God Jay Leno and his pace car had gotten in my way, I'd have wrecked his ass, too." After receiving a reprimand from NASCAR's public-relations department for his comments, Stewart promised he would henceforth conduct himself in a manner befitting a champion, adding only, "Suckers."
Tampa Bay Devil Rays Worried They Might Be Cut During Spring Training #~# ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Members of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays team, coaching staff, and front office expressed concern Tuesday that they might not be one of the lucky 30 teams invited to participate in the 2006 Major League Baseball season. "There's a lot of good teams out there, and most of them have been around a whole lot longer than we have," Devil Rays manager Joe Maddon said. "The Yankees, the Red Sox, the Angels—you know they're all going to make this year's league. I guess we just have to try our hardest, put some money into this club, and prove that we belong out there with those other teams." Opposing managers throughout the AL agree that, while the Devil Rays may someday make a decent big-league ballclub, it's probably best that they get some experience first by starting the season in Triple-A.
Kobe Bryant Named As 2008 Olympic Basketball Team #~# PHOENIX—In a press conference Wednesday, USA Basketball managing director Jerry Colangelo announced that Kobe Bryant has been selected as the 2008 men's Olympic basketball team.
$1.6 Billion On White House PR #~# According to the Government Accountability Office, the Bush Administration spent $1.6 billion in public relations and advertising in the past 30 months. What do you think? 
Arab Protection Of U.S. Ports #~# Many are voicing concern over Bush’s recent approval of a deal allowing a company based in the United Arab Emirates, who had ties to the Sept. 11 hijackers, to monitor security of select U.S. ports. What do you think? 
I'm Totally Gonna Get Laid On This Humanitarian Mission To Uganda #~# In less than 72 hours, I'll be touching down in Kampala, on my way to the shores of Lake Victoria, aka poontang heaven.
Life Is Too Precious To Be Enjoyed #~# When I look back on my 61 years, I sometimes think, "If only I had taken the time to really experience everything out there, I would probably be dead by now." 
Latest Bin Laden Tape For Completists Only #~# NEW YORK—CIA analyst Douglas Biryla advised the public at large to skip the latest video tape from fugitive Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden Monday. "This latest offering doesn't have anything his post 9-11 work lacks—just the usual ominous threats of total annihilation to the West," Biryla said. "Despite some nice remastering work courtesy of Al-Sahab, it's not bin Laden's best , and certainly not mandatory viewing outside of the intelligence community or bin Laden's more hardcore fans." Biryla's monthly review column on pre-recorded Islamist screeds runs in 38 foreign-policy newsletters worldwide.
Alito Keeps Telling Supreme Court How They Did Things In Circuit Court #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Supreme Court sources say the "Third Circuit anecdotes" told by newest associate justice Samuel Alito are irritating his colleagues. "This morning, he told us how the Third Circuit judges write their opinions at home," Justice Clarence Thomas said. "I don't care what they do on the Third Circuit, Justice Alito should compose his opinions in the office." Sources say Alito also has "an annoying habit of mentioning that he was the editor of his high-school yearbook."
Everyone In Coffee Shop Billing For Their Time #~# CHICAGO—All 17 customers at Chicago's Urn coffee shop were billing third parties for time spent there. "The people on laptops are web designers, unless they have big headphones—those are either musicians or producers," said the Urn's owner, Maria Carmichael, who wrote her coffee shop's business plan in a coffee shop. "And Mario, who bills for time spent here even though he shouldn't, sells espresso machines." Carmichael added  that she conducts her second career, as a theater manager, on her Powerbook, using the cafe's wireless connection.
George Jefferson Honored For Black Television History Month #~# BURBANK, CA—George Jefferson, the gruff and opinionated African-American character who debuted on All In The Family in 1973, will be honored in a series of television spots celebrating Black Televsion History Month. "George Jefferson proved that a black man can 'move on up' in the TV world if he stays true to his beliefs and works hard on TV," said Spike Lee, who will direct the 60-second spots honoring Jefferson. "He wasn't a perfect husband to Weezy or a perfect boss to his maid, Florence, but he paved the way for the black television characters who would follow." Actor Sherman Hemsley, who played Jefferson, will not be honored.
Father Doesn't Understand Teenage Son's Obsession With Classic Rock #~# SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—Phil Poole, 42, said Monday that he is coming to grips with his 15-year-old son Carter's taste in music. "I thought he was playing it as a sarcastic thing, and I was like, 'Hey, kid, your mother and I dated to Boston and Journey,'" Poole said. "But after I overheard him talking about it with his friends, I realized he actually likes it. Then I got worried—I mean, his mother and I dated to Boston and Journey." Poole added that he will not give Carter $30 to buy a Hot Topic rip-off of the Asia T-shirt he bought for $10 at Spencer's Gifts in 1982.
Voices In Man's Head Make Great Point About Time Management #~# EAST LANSING, MI—Area resident Aaron Henschler, 25, is fearing for his very sanity.
Girlfriend Dumped After Valentine-Candy-Related Weight Gain #~# MONTCLAIR, NJ—27-year-old LeeAnne Copeland’s decision to consume an entire box of Valentine’s chocolates over the course of five days led her boyfriend of 10 months to end their relationship Monday.
Army Of Identical Scientists Demands Legislative Support For Cloning #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Thousands of identical scientists traveled to the nation's capital this week to urge lawmakers to lift restrictions on the cloning of human beings and increase funding for cloning experimentation and research.
White House Had Prior Knowledge Of Cheney Threat #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Government documents declassified today reveal that President Bush was briefed last summer of "a substantial risk" that Vice President Dick Cheney would shoot an elderly male in the face sometime in the next several months.
Batman vs. Bin Laden #~# Frank Miller and DC Comics announced that they would be publishing a graphic novel in which Batman hunts down Osama bin Laden. What do you think?
British Soldiers Videotaped Brutalizing Iraqi Teens #~# The assault on four Iraqi teenagers by members of the British military, as well as the cameraman's mocking commentary, has enraged people throughout the Middle East. What do you think?
Report: Government's Katrina Response Was Flawed #~# A House report on the response to Hurricane Katrina faults every level of government for the disaster that eventually occurred. What do you think?
Gretzky: 'I Never Bet On Baseball' #~# TURIN, ITALY—Despite being at the forefront of an illegal hockey-gambling-ring controversy, former hockey great and head coach of Canada's Olympic hockey team Wayne Gretzky once again reaffirmed his claim that he has never placed a bet on a professional baseball game. "I can say with great certainty that I never bet on the Cincinnati Reds, and that I never bet on baseball, nor do I intend to, nor would I even know where to begin if I were to do so," said Gretzky, who will now likely never gain admission to the National Baseball Hall of Fame. "I would never risk everything to compromise the integrity of a popular, strictly regulated American sport such as baseball. Players and fans know this. Commissioner Selig knows this. Virtually everyone knows this." Gretzky, who has an implicit lifetime ban on playing or coaching in the major leagues, recently came out in support of Pete Rose, saying he doesn't think Rose ever bet on hockey.
NBA All-Star Skills Competition To Include Mock Press Conference #~# HOUSTON—Commissioner David Stern announced Monday that, in addition to the Foot Locker three-point shootout and Sprite slam-dunk contest, Saturday's NBA All-Star Skills Competition will include an Ogilvy Public Relations mock press conference event. "Creating a good public image is one of the most underrated and under-utilized skills in the sport today," Stern said after introducing the first NBA skills competition in which a player is not expected to make a point. "After the four other contests, the players will shower up and head to the podium, where they will be judged on style, content, answer efficiency, humor, behavior of their children, and number of clichés they can muster in a five-minute time frame. This is a prime opportunity for our league to showcase the very best players in the post-game." While there is no clear-cut favorite heading into the event, a source close to the NBA's judging panel suggested that the player with the most buttons on his suit jacket will have an excellent chance of winning.
Daytona-Area Hit-And-Run Suspect Returns To Scene Of Crime Every 47.72 Seconds #~# DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Local police investigating a near-fatal Daytona Beach hit-and-run case say that the perpetrator has very likely returned to the scene of the crime every 47.72 seconds after critically injuring a visiting race fan earlier today. "We have several dozen reports of a man matching the description of our suspect, who multiple witnesses identify as a Caucasian male in his mid-30s to early 40s driving a colorfully painted late-model domestic sedan, passing by the crime scene at extremely regular intervals without stopping or slowing since striking the victim this morning," investigating officer Crocker Burnett told reporters earlier today. "Unfortunately, the incident occurred in an extremely high-traffic area, and furthermore, due to local traffic velocity, officers' attempts to pull over the large number of recurring motorists on this particular stretch of road who match the description have thus far proven fruitless." Police say the victim, who some say seemed to recognize either his assailant or his assailant's car, has not yet regained consciousness after being catapulted several hundred yards by a car that was almost certainly traveling at extralegal speeds. 
Daytona 500 Honors Dale Earnhardt's Memory With Wall Of Fame Across Track #~# DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Daytona 500 organizers and NASCAR executives announced Tuesday that they would honor Dale Earnhardt on the fifth anniversary of his fatal Daytona crash with a new memorial "Wall of Fame," a six-foot tall, 40-yard wide monument to the seven-time champion that will be built across Turn 4 of the track and unveiled during the first lap of Sunday's season-opening Nextel Cup race. 
Hamas Calls For 'Giant Summit' With All Israelis #~# RAMALLAH, WEST BANK—After his militant Islamic party took the majority in Palestine's recent elections, Ismail Haniyeh called for a "giant summit with all living Israelis" Monday, rekindling international hopes for peace in the war-torn region. 
Denny's Comment-Card Archive Offers Glimpse Into Decades Of Poor, Fair, And Excellent Service #~# SPARTANBURG, SC—For the first time in its 53-year history, Denny's has opened its voluminous customer-comment-card archive, giving the public an unprecedented look into its long history of service reviews and suggestions. 
Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Although dolphins have long been celebrated for their high intelligence and for appearing to have a complex language, a team of researchers at the University of Florida reported Monday that these traits are markedly less evident on dry land.
Senate Ethics Committee To Meet In New Ethics Committee Mansion #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of several major lobbying scandals, the Senate Select Committee on Ethics announced Tuesday that it will hold a special series of intensive sessions inside its recently completed 200-room Ethics Mansion.
iPod Hearing Damage Lawsuit #~# A class-action lawsuit has been filed against Apple, claiming that iPods have the potential to cause hearing damage.   What do you think?
February 13, 1907 #~# Pure Food And Drug Act Will Limit Human-Thumb Levels Permitted In Meats
Who's Going To Clean Up This Romantic Gesture? #~# When I walked through the door last night, red and pink rose petals were scattered across the vestibule and up the stairs to the bedroom. How inconsiderate can one husband get? I could have slipped and broken my neck! Fortunately, the cloying, sickly-sweet odor of roses gave the petals away, and I was able to spot them before my heel slipped.
I Had A Splendid Time At Your Heist Last Night #~# An open letter to Mr. Seare:
History Buff Can Really Relate To Millard Fillmore #~# PALATINE, IL—Amateur historian Dean Durand reported Monday that he increasingly finds himself identifying with former President Millard Fillmore. "He was the last president who wasn't either a Democrat or a Republican, and that's me," Durand said. "And I often have intense fights with my wife, a woman I like to think of as my personal Zachary Taylor." Friends of Durand say he was more fun to spend time with in high school, when he identified with rock guitarist Richie Blackmore.
Self-Defense Instructor Keeps A Couple Of Secrets To Himself #~# OAKLAND, CA— Tae kwon do instructor Darryl Connally, 42, said Monday that he never teaches his students everything he knows about self-defense. "I give them enough to get by in most street-level confrontations," said the author of The Nearly Complete Guide To Urban Security. "But you never give a potential opponent an edge." Connally added that "a true master must always be on his guard, lest one of his Basic Women's Self-Defense Seminar pupils rises against him."
Bush Hides U.S. Report Card In Sock Drawer #~# CRAWFORD, TX—According to White House sources, following yet another disappointing grading period for the nation he leads, President Bush hid the national report card in his bedroom sock drawer Monday. "We, as a nation, got a D in international relations, a D in economics, and an F in military history," Bush reportedly said. "We must work hard to make sure no one finds out about this." Critics say the report-card-hiding effort is immature,  and point out that the sock drawer is the first place The New York Times will look.
Grandmother Will Live On In Arguments Over Her Wedding China #~# WAUKESHA, WI—Although Sophia Burnhardt, matriarch of the extended Burnhardt clan, died last week, family sources confirmed that her memory will live on for years in arguments over her wedding china. "That Wedgwood tureen should come to me, since I would always help her with her taxes," Burnhardt's daughter-in-law Lois Burnhardt said at the memorial service Monday. "She loved her tea service, too," added Burnhardt's daughter Carol Harrigen, "which should stay within my family, since we visited her in Arizona when no one else would." A family spokesperson announced in a Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel remembrance note that Burnhardt would never truly die as long as her china maintained its luster.
Hollywood Plans Big-Budget Remake Of Mr. & Mrs. Smith #~# LOS ANGELES—Studio executives at 20th Century Fox announced that production will begin next month on a big-budget, all-star remake of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, the blockbuster action film of 2005 starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. “We’re always looking for ideas, and moviegoers really responded to Mr. & Mrs. Smith,” said Fox vice president of development Mtumne Ngumwebaum. “Buckle up, action fans! This time we’re going to do it bigger and better, with twice the budget and even hotter stars.” Said film critic Harry Knowles: “You shouldn’t touch a classic like Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but if you bring Eli Roth in as director, count me in!”
Cheney Shoots 78-Year-Old Man #~# This weekend, Vice President Cheney accidentally shot a 78-year-old companion on a hunting trip in Texas. What do you think?
Bush's Tax Cuts Permanent #~# Bush wants to make his tax cuts permanent, which would cost $1.4 trillion over 10 years. What do you think? 
Alabama Churches Burned #~# Since the beginning of February, nine Baptist churches have been burned to the ground in Alabama. What do you think?
Alex Rodriguez Pulls Out Of World Baseball Classic Because Everyone Else Is Doing It #~# NEW YORK—Citing concern that his fellow major-leaguers would consider him an outcast and overachiever, Alex Rodriguez announced Wednesday that he will not take part in the increasingly unpopular World Baseball Classic. "The Classic seemed like it would be a great opportunity to represent my country and give baseball unprecedented worldwide exposure; that is, back when everyone else said they were going to be in it, too," said Rodriguez, who watched as stars like Barry Bonds, Nomar Garciaparra, and John Smoltz withdrew from the tournament in recent weeks. "When most of the other guys tentatively said they would participate, I thought that playing was a good decision, but after seeing my heroes like the great Mariano Rivera bow out, I am now sure that this is the right, and popular, thing to do." Rodriguez added that, even though the World Baseball Classic "is for losers," he wouldn't rule out playing in the tournament if enough of his friends decide to reconsider their withdrawal.
Onion Sports 2006 Winter Olympics Preview #~# Americans Disappointed To Learn Olympics Will Be Televised
Wal-Mart To Carry Morning-After Pill? #~# Women's groups are pressuring Wal-Mart to change their policy and start carrying the morning-after Pill. What do you think?  
Football Hall Of Fame Announces Finalists For Advertisers’ Wing #~# CANTON, OH—E*Trade, Coca-Cola, and Pizza Hut, all first-year eligible candidates, have been announced as finalists for the 2006 Advertisers' Class of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. "We feel this is the loudest, most omnipresent series of ads since Budweiser's 'Wassup' and the Coors Light 'Twins' were inducted two years ago," said Hall of Fame Interim Executive Director Ron Dougherty. "We're looking forward to seeing which of these highly qualified candidates will have their advertising campaigns cast in bronze and placed with the other immortals in the General Motors Memorial Advertisers' Wing." Representatives from the 20 largest advertising agencies will make their selections in the next month, with inductees scheduled to be announced during, and as part of, the fourth through eighth commercial breaks of the ESPY Awards on July 12.
African Child Loves His 'World Champion Seahawks' T-Shirt #~# KAMPALA, UGANDA—10-year-old Akello Semesseke, wearing the new "World Champion Seattle Seahawks" T-shirt given to him Tuesday by an anonymous NFL-licensed promotions manufacturer, expressed his gratitude for the gift while admitting he was not familiar with the sport of American football. "The Seahawks must be as generous of heart as they are victorious on the field of whatever sport they play to share their clothing with us," said Semesseke, whose entire village was given one each of the teal and gray shirts, with one exception. "My father refused his new shirt," Semesseke explained, "because although he did need one, he felt it would be disrespectful to the World Champion Eagles, who kindly gave him both a shirt and cap last year." Semesseke added that if the Seahawks had included 80 cents a day along with the shirt, he could eat.
Dad Retires After Watching Football For 25 Years #~# TEMPE, AZ—Norm Roosevelt, 52, who has worked full-time as a Radisson hotel manager while watching football games, recordings of football games, and NFL Films highlight tapes since 1980, announced Tuesday that he will retire in early March. "It's been a good run, that's for sure," said Roosevelt, who had waited until he finished watching this years' Super Bowl from behind his hotel's front desk to make the decision. "But I think it's time I hang it up and spend some time watching my son watch football before it's too late." News of Roosevelt's retirement was received graciously by the West Side Tempe Radisson team front-office personnel, who joked with Roosevelt about all the reprimands in his file for watching televised sports on company time.
February 11, 1945 #~# FDR, Stalin, Churchill Meet For Mutton Luncheon, Nap
I Don't Wonder What Jesse Camp Is Up To These Days #~# Hey, you know who I haven't been thinking about lately? That guy Jesse Camp who I never used to watch on MTV.
I Am But A Vessel Through Which God Drones On Indefinitely #~# Who is greater—he that sitteth at meat, or he that serveth? He that sitteth at meat, surely. For it is him we serve, and it is for the fulfillment of his needs we are occupied. However, I am in your midst not as he that sitteth at meat, but as he that serveth. For I am not the author of these garbled elaborations—they are my Lord's. 
Investigative Reporter Ruins Fish Sticks For Everybody #~# BOSTON—According to the paper's readers, a report on commercial seafood-processing practices published in Tuesday's Boston Globe has ruined fish sticks for everyone. "I used to love a big plate of fish sticks," mechanic Barney Rosetti said. "Not anymore, thanks to Steve Nelsen. Did he really have to use the part about emulsified scales and flash-frozen offal slurry? Thanks a lot, asshole." Readers have declared a two-day boycott of the Globe, timed to coincide with Nelsen's report on precisely what constitutes "breading" under current law. 
New Software Yellows Neglected Digital Photos Over Time #~# ROCHESTER, NY—Eastman Kodak released an imaging software package that yellows, fades, and even loses digital photos over time Monday. "With the click of a mouse, Fotomatshop will make your digital photographs crease, develop fingerprint spots, and even stick together in their 'virtual shoebox,'" Kodak president Antonio Perez said. "It even has motion-blur and redden-eye features." The software takes a week to process 26 digital photos, and charges $9.95 per use.
NASA Completely Forgot Probe Was Returning Today #~# PASADENA, CA—NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory was thrown into chaos Monday after an Australian radar-tracking station notified JPL staff that Stardust II, an unmanned cometary probe, was scheduled to re-enter Earth's orbit in fewer than eight hours. "Holy crap, we completely forgot," said Dave Browning. "I have so much to do—set up a schedule, clean up the clean room. Oh, Christ—the recovery party—where the hell are they?" After  the probe landed early Tuesday morning, relieved JPL personnel pronounced the mission a success and asked the news media to call them on June 22, the day before Acheron VII is scheduled to return.
Area Woman To Celebrate Quiet Women's History Month At Home This Year #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Juliette Solomon said that despite the pressure to "make a big production" out of Women's History Month, she will likely spend March alone this year. "Every year, it's the same thing: the Julia Howe and Lucretia Mott biographies, the art exhibits and photographs of Mother Jones," Solomon said. "This March, I'm just going to stay in, brew some tea, and catch up on my aromatherapy." Solomon added that she could "barely remember" Women's Day Eve 2005, save for a few fuzzy recollections of "some Susan B. Anthony documentary."
Mark-Paul Gosselaar Obviously Authored Own IMDb Trivia #~# LOS ANGELES—Observers speculate that former Saved By The Bell star Mark-Paul Gosselaar ("Zack") wrote his own Internet Movie Database entry. "The large amount of trivia available on Gosselaar is telling," celebrity-syntax analyst Will Purdy said. "But the comprehensive details of his Dutch heritage, the meticulous account of his daily routine on the Saved By The Bell set, and the multiple pages dedicated to his struggle with a Net-surfing addiction leave little doubt." Purdy noted that further evidence can be found on Gosselaar's 17-page Wikipedia entry.
Wal-Mart Parking Lot Puts Municipal Parking Lot Out Of Business #~# AUBURN, ME—After serving the area for more than four decades, Parking Lot 2A lowered its moveable-arm gates for the last time Friday. The much-loved municipal parking lot is only the most recent casualty of Wal-Mart parking lots.
EPA Warns Of Dangerous Levels Of Romance In Air #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to a dramatic increase in cases of starry-eyed gazing and spontaneous poetry, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a general health warning Tuesday for hazardous levels of atmospheric romance across the entire North American continent.
White House Debuts Iraq War Infomercial #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In an attempt to gain support among  idle and sleepless Americans, the Bush Administration made its case for the continuing war in Iraq in a one-hour paid program that premiered early Tuesday morning.  
Millions Of Americans Succumbing To Sudden Elder Death Syndrome #~# McLEAN, VA—Despite remarkable advances in health care and the study of medicine in recent decades, scientists remain baffled by Sudden Elder Death Syndrome, a disorder that cuts long lives short and leaves aggrieved loved ones wondering why.
AOL To Charge For E-Mail #~# Yahoo and AOL want to begin charging companies one-fourth to one cent for preferential bulk e-mail delivery. What do you think?
Most Fertile Irish Male Found #~# Irish scientists believe they have discovered the most fertile Irish male, a fifth-century warlord named Niall of the Nine Hostages with over 3 million offspring worldwide. What do you think?
Danish Cartoons Offend European Muslims #~# A series of recent political cartoons, published initially in Denmark and reprinted by seven other European newspapers, has offended Muslims with its depictions of Muhammad, including one with a bomb for a turban. What do you think?
Polluting Nations Endorse Greenhouse-Gas Plan #~# Six of the nations that produce the highest volume of greenhouse gases have endorsed a voluntary plan that will reduce emissions 30 percent by 2050. What do you think?
Army Extends 50,000 Soldiers' Tours of Duty In Iraq #~# The Army is forcing 50,000 soldiers into extended duty in Iraq. What do you think?
Brett Favre's Retirement Decision To Disappoint Fans Either Way #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Although star Packers quarterback Brett Favre has yet to actually announce whether he will play another season in the NFL, any decision he makes will be certain to disappoint football fans in some way. "I don't know what he'll do, but it's a real shame either way about Favre—I mean, on one hand, he's so well-loved, he's an almost-certain Hall of Famer, he's the prototypical gunslinger quarterback that you love to watch, and he's only 25 touchdown passes away from breaking Marino's all-time record," Stoughton, WI bar owner and football fan Patrick Kettle said Tuesday following Favre's confession that he was leaning toward retirement. "Then again, the Packers have to learn to get by without him someday, and the fans don't want to see him decline right before their eyes. Plus, come on—he's only 22 interceptions away from breaking George Blanda's all-time record." Football fans nationwide say they intend to both celebrate their good fortune and mourn the end of an era no matter what Favre ultimately decides.
Roger Federer Admits Tennis His Fourth-Favorite Sport #~# MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—In a tearful admission following his seventh Grand Slam title at the Australian Open Sunday, Roger Federer told members of the press that, while he "like[s] tennis okay," there are at least three other sports he would rather be playing or watching.
Analysts Predicting Most Evenly Matched Blowout In Super Bowl History #~# DETROIT—Citing the Steelers' overwhelming defense and remarkable team resilience, as well as the overpowering Seahawks ground game and odds-defying tenacity, football analysts around the nation say Super Bowl XL is shaping up to be one of the most evenly matched blowouts in the history of the NFL Championship Game. "Ignore the hype about overdogs and underdogs—these are two very good teams, and we won't know which team will absolutely crush the other until halfway through the first quarter," said Sports Illustrated's Peter King. "Sunday's Super Bowl might be the most well-balanced one-sided game since the great Montana-Elway matchups." The betting lines as of press time still had Pittsburgh as a two-point favorite, though with an over/under of 34.
NFL Hopes Rolling Stones Will Attract 18-To-55 Male Demographic #~# DETROIT—With ratings for the Super Bowl telecast dropping to the point where a mere 86.1 million viewers watched the program in 2005, the NFL and Super Bowl XL broadcast partner ABC will attempt to reach their key demographic—males ages 18 to 55—with a halftime performance by the Rolling Stones. "Advertisers for this annual championship sporting event are targeting working- and middle-class males in this valuable age bracket, and we believe there's no more surefire way to convince American men to watch a football game than to offer them the driving blue-collar rock of the Stones," said NFL vice president of programming Charles Coplin. "The Rolling Stones are an iconic musical presence that, for 40 years, has been bringing fathers and sons together on the weekends. That's precisely the kind of thing we want adult males to associate with our sporting event." ABC executives are cautiously optimistic that the Rolling Stones may even be able to reach viewers up to age 65, many of whom started following the band when they first established themselves in 1966.
Piazza: 'I'm Just Excited To Be Able To Finish My Career Somewhere' #~# SAN DIEGO—During a press conference introducing him as the newest member of the Padres, Mike Piazza, the 37-year-old ex-Met catcher on the downside of his career, said he "couldn't be happier or more relieved" to have the opportunity to finish his career. "I have to admit, San Diego was always one of my top 30 choices," said Piazza, a free-agent who finalized a one-year deal with the Padres on Tuesday. "I was open to literally any possibility, but in the end, San Diego swooped in and met all my criteria: a contract, a major-league baseball team, and a spot on its roster." Piazza added that, now that his contract is settled, he can start focusing on getting in good enough shape to hit the three home runs he needs to reach 400 and coast to the Hall of Fame.
Barry Bonds: 'I Won't Retire Until I've Tarnished Every Record In The Book' #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Giants slugger Barry Bonds, who recently announced that he might retire after the 2006 season, reconsidered that decision Wednesday, saying there are still a lot of things in the sport that he hasn't yet had the chance to ruin. "Most guys my age would be perfectly happy to retire having sullied the single-season home-run record, but I still have so much left to cheapen—the career home-run title, the 56-game hit streak, the on-base-percentage record, and so on," Bonds wrote in a post on his website. "Sure, the fans revile me now, but the only way to ensure they will still hate me when I'm dead and gone is by systematically destroying and dishonoring every record that they hold dear, even if it means playing until I'm 59 and becoming the oldest person ever to play the sport. When my kids look at the record books years from now, I want them to see their daddy's name at the top of every category, right next to an asterisk." Bonds added, however, that he would trade in all of those records for just one personal world championship that he didn't have to share with any teammates or organization.
My Dead Kid's Foundation Kicked Your Dead Kid's Foundation's Ass #~# After I watched my only son slowly succumb to pancreatic cancer, I was convinced that I would never again know joy.  Yet it was only six months later, after I established a memorial foundation in Gregory's name, that my spirits began to revive in a big way.
I Love The Idea Of My Wife #~# Do I love my wife? It's a complicated question. What is love? Perhaps it is an ineffable aspect of the human condition that can never be fully understood. It's like asking if I love my car or my golf clubs. I love them, but it's not like I love them. I certainly love owning them, and if either should ever be stolen, or somehow ruined, or damaged by someone's incompetence, I'd want to replace them immediately, and press full charges against the perpetrators. 
Man Who Does Everything At Last Minute Wonders How You Do It #~# CHICAGO—Ted Henson, a copywriter at Green/Allium Advertising and notoriously disorganized procrastinator, is awestruck by his coworkers' ability to manage multiple aspects of their lives. "I'm surrounded by, like, these amazing super-multitasking rock stars," said Henson as he watched creative director Kyle Peters put some layouts in a metal file cabinet. "How do you deal with all this lame bureaucratic bullshit? You have to tell me your secret kung-fu organization system." Henson remained in Peters' office for over an hour, talking about Peters' filing system, the filing system in the film Brazil, and other Terry Gilliam films, causing him to miss a 2:30 assignment deadline.
Vegetarian Can't Bring Self To Eat IHOP's Funny Face Pancakes #~# BREMERTON, WA—During breakfast at the International House of Pancakes Monday, vegetarian Erica Legrand said she could not eat her Funny Face pancakes. "Not with those big maraschino eyes staring up at me," Legrand said. Upon further questioning, Legrand explained that she did not want break her "never eat anything with a face" rule.
Eighty Percent Of Al-Qaeda No. 2s Now Dead #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Pentagon announced Monday that 80 percent of Osama bin Laden's seconds-in-command have been eliminated. "Nearly 1,600 al-Qaeda leaders ranked number two have been wiped out," Lt. Col. Mark Allison said. "That leaves only 400 of Osama bin Laden's right-hand men in the organization." Following the apparent failure to kill bin Laden's No. 2 man Ayman al-Zawahri in a missile strike on a Pakistani border town on Jan. 13, American forces intensified the search for al-Qaeda second-in-command Ahmed Al-Zahnami, or, failing that, No. 2 man Amman al-Zaharani, or No. 2 man Ahmed al-Zafarani.
ABC Cancels Acting With The Stars #~# LOS ANGELES—ABC announced the cancellation of the show Acting With The Stars Monday. "George Hamilton onstage with Jeremy Irons in True West was golden," ABC Entertainment President Stephen McPherson said. "But after the Naked Ape fiasco, Dame Judi Dench refused to appear on camera with ex-49ers quarterback Joe Montana, and we decided to cut our losses." ABC executives said they will avoid working with esteemed professional actors in the future.
MPAA Unveils Rating System Based On Old Testament #~# LOS ANGELES—Working with evangelical Christian organizations such as Focus on the Family, the Motion Picture Association of America has developed a movie-rating system based on the laws of the Old Testament. "There was some concern that our existing system was neither strict nor specific enough," MPAA President Dan Glickman said. "Hence, such improved ratings as B-M21 [Blasphemy Only To Be Viewed By Males Over 21] for Finding Nemo, as it was only given to Adam to name the animals." The new ratings system will be instituted around Easter, at which time all producers of movies formerly rated NC-17 will be burned at the stake, their fields sown with salt, and their names cursed unto the ninth generation.
TV Blamed For Rise In Formulaic Violence #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A sharp rise in nearly bloodless attacks, improbable explosions, and other forms of highly choreographed violence has concerned citizens demanding that the government pass strict new standards for what they consider the key culprit in the increasingly formulaic violence in today's streets: prime-time network television.
President Creates Cabinet-Level Position To Coordinate Scandals #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In his State of the Union address to the nation last night, President Bush announced a new cabinet-level position to coordinate all current and future scandals facing his party.
Black Box Records Last 90 Minutes Of Hot-Air Balloon Crash #~# FAYETTEVILLE, AR—A black box recovered from the scene of Sunday afternoon's crash of a hot-air balloon gave investigators a chilling glimpse into the craft's final, somewhat terrifying 90 minutes in the air. 
Area Family Likes Car So Much They Live In It #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Single mother of three Janis Cullen is so pleased with her 1990 Pontiac 6000LE wagon that, after her family moved out of their home in late 2003, they took up residence in the car.
February 2, 1922 #~# India’s Nationalist Leader Pummeled Senseless By Practitioners Of British ‘Violence’ Movement
State Of The Union #~# President Bush delivered his fifth State Of The Union address last night, promising affordable health care and criticizing Americans for being addicted to oil. What do you think?
Graceland Designated A National Landmark #~# Graceland, the home of Elvis Presley, was recently designated a National Historic Landmark by the U.S. Department of Interior. What do you think?
A.J. Pierzynski Predicts He Will Lead League In Offensiveness #~# CHICAGO—Although he has already built a reputation as one of the most offensive players in the game, White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski said Monday that he will put on his extremely smug game-face on Opening Day and leave it on for the rest of the season. "I think my antics in the postseason proved to my critics that I'm more than just a one-dimensional jackass," said Pierzynski, who trailed only Barry Bonds and Milton Bradley in all offensiveness categories in 2005. "Whether it means 'accidentally' tripping an opposing player right before he crosses home plate or sliding cleats-up into first base on a routine groundout, I am going to focus especially hard on the 'irritating' and 'aggravating' aspects of my game this year. By the end of the season, I'll finally have lost the respect of my coaches, teammates, and fellow major-leaguers." Pierzynski's comments drew the ire of Yankee offensive force Gary Sheffield, who vehemently argued that he is not only the most offensive player in the game, but that his reactionary style of play will earn him a spot on The Sporting News' 2006 All-Defensive Team.
Scheduling Error Leads To First-Ever NCAA Final Five #~# INDIANAPOLIS—NCAA basketball championship organizers are scrambling to explain how multiple scheduling and selection errors have resulted in LSU, George Mason University, UCLA, Wyoming, and Florida State all advancing to the first Final Five showdown in the history of the tournament. "It is an embarrassment to the entire organization, and college sports in general, that this was allowed to happen—although all five teams played their hearts out in this tournament, from the initial bracket of 65 to last weekend's Nifty Nine," NCAA president Myles Brand said Wednesday, admitting that officials should have known something was wrong when Wyoming became the first No. 17 seed to make it to the final round. "We are still working out logistical difficulties for the final round in Indianapolis, but the NCAA guarantees that only one team will be named as champion, regardless of how many teams are involved in the actual championship game." Meanwhile, representatives of Duke University have stated that the Blue Devils would be happy to play any extra teams for the title if the NCAA thought it would help resolve the situation.
Bruins Offer Coaching, Front-Office, Playing Position To Ray Bourque #~# BOSTON—Citing continued leadership problems at the executive and strategic levels, as well as the fact that they could use a little help on defense, Boston Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs expressed interest in signing former All-Star captain Ray Bourque to help the struggling Bruins "in a variety of ways." "In addition to being a favorite of fans here in Boston, Ray Bourque is a proven champion," Jacobs said, referring to Bourque's 21 years with the Bruins and his brief stint with the Stanley Cup-winning Colorado Avalanche. "I believe the leadership, vision, and motivation he exhibited during two decades as a professional hockey player will translate extremely well to his new roles as head coach, general manager, and hockey player." The 45-year-old Bourque announced he is considering the offer, but will weigh it against the opportunity recently offered to him to become concessions, lighting, and entertainment director for Boston's TD Banknorth Garden.
Steinbrenner Names Johnny Damon As New Yankee Scapegoat #~# NEW YORK—Continuing a Yankee tradition that dates back to the teams of the early '80s, owner George Steinbrenner formally appointed recently signed centerfielder Johnny Damon as the team's new scapegoat.
33 Injured In Airbus Evacuation Drill #~# 33 participants were injured Sunday in an evacuation drill of the new Airbus super-jumbo jet. What do you think?
George Mason Player Upsets Mother With Last-Second Long-Distance Call From Way Downtown #~# INDIANAPOLIS—George Mason reserve point guard Roland Farragut chalked up a stunning upset of his mother Wednesday night when he made a last-second long-distance phone call from all the way downtown after a desperate attempt to score. "Never in a million years did I think I would live to see this," said Audrey Farragut, who said she was "monumentally, unbelievably disappointed" by her son's improbable telephone call from a downtown Indianapolis police station, made just moments before the final buzzer sounded at the precinct and arresting officers took Farragut for preliminary booking. "They said my Roland had no business playing with the big boys, and after this shocker, I'm beginning to think they were right. Mark my words, we'll be talking about this one for years to come." Those close to the Farraguts have said the prayer Roland sent up brought Mrs. Farragut to her feet, and are describing her condition as completely stunned and still unable to believe that this really happened.
No Canoe Can Hold Me #~# Care to take a relaxing, uneventful canoe trip down the lazy river, the sights and sounds of nature soothing you? Want the warm midday sun to bronze your shoulders as you calmly drift across the water?
It's Funny How What You're Saying Relates To My Novel #~# I'm tremendously sorry about your split with your husband. At the same time, I must confess, had your situation been presented to me as a piece of short fiction, I would have found it hackneyed and forgettable. 
Science-Fiction Novel Posits Future Where Characters Are Hastily Sketched #~# OREGON CITY, OR—Science-fiction author Morgan Richards announced Monday completion of his long-awaited novel, Zeppelins Of Phobos.  The swashbuckling tale of the battle for control of the solar system depicts a terrifying future filled with virtually indistinguishable characters who only communicate through stilted and shallow dialogue. "I've always been intrigued by the concept of the two-dimensional, almost caricatured human race spreading to nearby planets," said Richards in the April/May issue of Asimov's Science Fiction. "I wanted to capture the sense of adventure, lust, and peril that these characters would feel, along with their utter lack of social context or emotional complexity." Richards said the very nature of his characters demanded that they live in the unlikely, unrealistic, and overly cinematic society he painstakingly details in the book.
Joel Siegel 'Absolutely Loved' Dream He Had Last Night #~# NEW YORK—Good Morning America film critic Joel Siegel "absolutely loved" the dream he had last night, he announced today. "A breathtaking spectacle from the moment my head hit the pillow! My subconscious has done it again!"  said Siegel of the 88-minute family action-comedy period romance, told largely through flashbacks and gala musical numbers. "George Clooney, Audrey Hepburn, Rock Hudson, and Aunt Helen all sparkled, whether they were playing themselves or me! The chase scene with Steve McQueen, the all-old-gym-teacher revue, and the giant fanged eggplant nearly brought the house down! Three stars out of four." Siegel has recently criticized Dreamland, calling for less sex and violence, and more wholesome themes in its nightly offerings.
Alternative-Medicine Practitioner Refuses Alternative Method Of Payment #~# PORTLAND, OR—Alternative-medicine practitioner Annabeth Severin, a Portland-area acupuncturist and holistic healer, announced Tuesday that she is refusing to accept anything but conventional monetary compensation from her patients. "I'm sorry, but there just isn't any sound economic theory to support the idea that bartering or visualization of payment has the same effect as traditional cash or check up front," Severin said. Her customers are protesting her billing methods, saying that removing money from their accounts would be financially invasive and spiritually upsetting to their karmic and bank balances.
Two Hipsters Angrily Call Each Other 'Hipster' #~# AUSTIN, TX—An argument between local hipsters Dan Walters and Brian Guterman has devolved to the point where each is angrily calling the other "hipster,"   those close to the pair reported Monday. "Hey, hipster! Here's 12 bucks—why don't you go get yourself a bucket of PBRs at the Gold Mine?" Walters, 22, is said to have told Guterman, 22, invoking the name of a local bar known for its "poseur" clientele. "Whatever you say, scenester," Guterman allegedly replied. "Don't you have a Death Cab For Cutie show to be at right now?" Acquaintances of Guterman and Walters trace the long-running conflict back to high school, when they reportedly threw pencils at each other and argued about who was more "emo."
Sitcom Writer On Deathbed Thinks Of All The Zany Plots He'll Never Write #~# BURBANK, CA—Days after doctors at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center told him he had less than two months to live, sitcom writer Joey Kaplan expressed regret that he never accomplished all he could have in his series.
Raccoons Force Garage Band Into Attic #~# GREENVILLE, NC—Members of the local grindcore music group Grimnir confirmed Monday that raccoons have forced the band to flee the garage of drummer Brian Bigelow's family home and relocate to the "crappy" attic.
Dove Campaign For Real Beauty Announces 2008 Presidential Candidate #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Dove Campaign For Real Beauty formally announced Monday its 2008 nominee for president, 28-year-old Julie, a size 10.
WWE: Illegal Mexican Wrestlers Taking Smackdowns American Wrestlers Don't Want #~# STAMFORD, CT—In response to criticism over World Wrestling Entertainment hiring policies, World Wrestling Entertainment Chairman Vince McMahon defended the league's reliance on Mexican wrestlers as "the only way fans can witness the grueling, bone-crunching maneuvers that American wrestlers want nothing to do with."
Chief Of Staff Resigns #~# White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card resigned yesterday. What do you think?
Scholarships Going To Whites #~# Colleges are now considering white students for fellowships and scholarships that were previously available only to minorities. What do you think?
Microsoft Vista Delayed #~# Microsoft Vista, the first major overhaul of the Windows operating system in five years, has been delayed until the beginning of next year. What do you think?
Reactors Contaminate Groundwater #~# Two nuclear reactors, Indian Point near New York and the Braidwood facility near Chicago, have released radioactive tritium into the groundwater. What do you think?
Terrell Owens Calls Dallas 'A Good Place To Spend The Summer' #~# DALLAS—Shortly after signing a three-year, $25 million contract with the Cowboys, controversial wideout Terrell Owens said he was looking forward to spending a nice, relaxing summer in Dallas. "Dallas seems like a nice town, but I certainly don't want to settle down here. I should be able to see and do everything I want to within a few months—get some exercise, hang out at camp, and make a few friends I can keep in touch with as my travels take me elsewhere," Owens said in a press conference Monday. "I might even stay into the fall, but I hear that things get a little hectic and the people get really intense that time of year, so I definitely want to get away before Thanksgiving. There's nothing I like more than spending the holiday season at home." Those close to Owens say it's unlikely that he will take full advantage of his short time in Dallas, however, noting that he "spent two whole years in Philadelphia and barely left his hotel room."
Injury-Free U.S. Team Deems World Baseball Classic 'A Complete Success' #~# ANAHEIM, CA—Players on Team USA, along with MLB owners and managers, rejoiced Thursday night following their final game of the World Baseball Classic, a 2-1 loss to Mexico, as the Americans came out of the tournament safe, sound, and in one piece. "There is an amazing sense of accomplishment among these healthy, injury-free players. Wearing this uniform, and not getting hurt while inside of it, will be something these players are going to remember for the rest of the regular season," said Team USA manager Buck Martinez while helping each player navigate an awkward step up into the clubhouse. "We didn't emerge victorious, but we did emerge completely unscathed. I say we are the real winners here." Following their elimination from harm's way, Martinez joined his 30 healthy players in a cautious locker-room celebration, during which they gingerly spritzed shatterproof plastic bottles of champagne on each other.
Bradley University Wants To Bring NCAA Title Back To Middle Of Nowhere #~# OAKLAND, CA—The Bradley men's basketball team, fresh from earning an appearance in the Sweet 16, are eagerly anticipating their chance to bring the NCAA championship back to the middle of nowhere. "It's just great to be playing against Kansas and Pittsburgh and all these other great places we've seen on TV," said Bradley senior forward Marcellus Sommerville, who despite getting to travel on a plane to play in the tournament was modest about his team's accomplishment. "Meanwhile, we're concentrating on getting the job done for everyone back at the intersection of County Highway 78 and Rural Route G." Bradley athletics director Ken Kavanagh added that, should Bradley win the tournament, the city would probably have to install a stop sign to control the traffic of all the people wanting to see the championship trophy.
U.S. House Hardly Working #~# To date, the House of Representatives has worked less than 25 days this year. What do you think?
Ichiro: 'The Best Part About Playing For My Country Was Not Playing For The Seattle Mariners' #~# SAN DIEGO—In an interview following Japan's 10-6 victory against Cuba in the World Baseball Classic championship game Monday, Ichiro Suzuki called the tournament a "great opportunity to represent anything besides the Seattle Mariners." "Playing alongside my countrymen on the world stage was nice, but the highlight of the event for me was not having to watch helplessly from the on-deck circle as [Seattle outfielder] Willie Bloomquist pops out for the fourth time in one game," said Ichiro, who has been contemplating a return to his non-Mariner roots since late 2003. "Honestly, I would have played for the Netherlands team if it meant 17 days away from the Mariners spring-training camp." Although he said that the legendary Sadaharu Oh did a fine job coaching Team Japan, Ichiro added that "next to Mike Hargrove, any idiot in a baseball cap would seem like a decent manager."
World Leaders Urge Condoleezza Rice To Take NFL Commissioner's Job #~# WASHINGTON, DC—With longtime NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue recently announcing that he will retire in July, political leaders across the globe have taken an uncharacteristic interest in the sport of football, urging one potential candidate—U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice—to accept the high-profile position.
NBC Universal Buying iVillage #~# Media giant NBC Universal recently paid $600 million for iVillage, an Internet company catering to women. What do you think?
South Park vs. Scientology #~# Following the departure of Isaac Hayes last week, Comedy Central pulled  an episode of South Park that lampooned Tom Cruise and  Scientology. What do you think?
March 25, 1989 #~# Bush Decries Exxon Valdez Spillage of ‘Precious, Precious Oil’
Bush Pressed To Change Staff #~# President Bush has been under pressure from both parties to reinvigorate his office by bringing in new, more experienced staff members. What do you think?
We Can No Longer Sustain This Level Of Interest In Current Events #~# America is a great nation, a proud nation rich in resources and ingenuity.  But the same resources that have fueled the engine of its greatness are fast dwindling.  
Who Would Leave A Perfectly Good Fabric Softener Sample In My Mailbox? #~# Earlier this week, I pulled a strange little plastic envelope from my mailbox: a packet of liquid fabric softener, intact and seemingly untouched. 
Franz Ferdinand Frontman Shot By Gavrilo Princip Bassist #~# GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—Lead singer and guitarist for pop band Franz Ferdinand, Alexander Kapranos, is in critical condition today after being shot by a man identified as the bassist for rock group Gavrilo Princip. "We ask fans to cooperate with Interpol to find the assailant, and call upon British Sea Power, Snow Patrol, and The Postal Service for help," drummer Paul Thompson told music magazine NME Monday. "The suspect had links to The Decemberists and The Libertines, and we are following up on all leads." It is unclear whether the shooting was linked to The Polyphonic Spree's invasion of Belgium earlier this week.
Terrorism Fan Site Full Of Spoilers #~# AMMAN, JORDAN—The terrorism fan website AintItCruelNews.com has come under fire for publishing "spoilers" that give away future terrorist acts. "We all know what happens to the Great Satan in the end, but that doesn't mean major plot points should be revealed," said one reader who posted a complaint to the site's bulletin board. "Revealing how the villain George Bush will be eliminated ruins it for everyone." Ain't It Cruel News founder Hari al-Nolz said he will implement a color-coded "Spoiler Alert" system to prevent such leaks in the future.
Man Just Using Virgin Mary To Get To Jesus #~# TUPELO, MS—The Blessed Mother Mary said Monday that devout Catholic Anthony Montero is simply praying to her as a way to get to her Son, Jesus Christ. "People exploit me for my connections, worshipping me as a way to get closer to Jesus," said the Holy Virgin, bathed in a golden light and attended by seraphim. "How would Anthony feel if I called upon him in the guise of friendship, but simply wanted his cousin to do some plumbing work for me? It's just rude." Our Lady added that, if Montero wants to reach Jesus so badly, maybe he should "grow a pair and pray to Him directly."
Constructionist Supreme Court To Revisit Women's Suffrage #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Supreme Court, demonstrating its new constructionist leaning since the appointment of Justice Samuel Alito, will re-examine arguments behind the 19th Amendment this week. "There was no constitutional precedent for amending the law of the land so dramatically," the Heritage Foundation's Trent England said Monday. "A case  could be made on social grounds, but what the Court will determine is exactly what the framers of the Constitution wanted." While it's difficult to predict an outcome, observers believe Ruth Bader Ginsburg will use her three-fifths of a vote to oppose.
Pedophile Less Interested The More He Views 13-Year-Old's MySpace Profile #~# LONGVIEW, TX—Area pedophile Dwight Sanderson said Monday that his interest in getting to know and eventually meeting MySpace.com member "Courtneee" has significantly declined after a closer read of the "lame" hobbies and "self-involved" blog entries on the 13-year-old's profile.
Study: High Times Not A Gateway Magazine To Harder Readings #~# NEW YORK—Casual readers of the marijuana-enthusiast magazine High Times are no more likely than non-readers to develop a habit for harder forms of reading, according to a study released Monday by the National Institutes of Health. 
Soup Kitchen Thinks It Can Solve The World's Problems With Soup #~# BALTIMORE—Nestled in the heart of one of Baltimore's most economically disadvantaged neighborhoods, Our Lady Of Saving Grace Soup Kitchen is celebrating its 10th year of doling out bowl after bowl of ineffectual soup, as if it's some kind of magical poverty cure-all. While a reasonable person would expect to have made some headway after a decade, director Bill Cauldwell is apparently unable to see the forest for the trees. 
Rumsfeld: Iraqis Now Capable Of Conducting War Without U.S. Assistance #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said Monday that escalating violence in Iraq demonstrates that the Iraqi population is now capable of waging the Iraq war without outside military aid, and pronounced the American mission there "a complete success."
Terrorist Hero Of New Film #~# V For Vendetta, a film produced by the Wachowski brothers in which the hero is a terrorist who blows up the British Parliament building, opens today. What do you think?
Kent State Basketball Team Massacred By Ohio National Guard In Repeat Of Classic 1970 Matchup #~# KENT, OH—History and tragedy repeated themselves on the Kent State campus Thursday as 12th-seeded MAC champion Kent State Golden Flashes were decimated in front of a chanting, screaming home crowd by the superior offensive firepower and tactical game plan of the fifth-seeded Ohio National Guard in the very first round of this year's NCAA tournament.
Feingold Calls For Bush Censure #~# Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI) is calling for a censure of the president for illegal wiretapping. What do you think?
LeBron James On Pace To Become Youngest Player To Turn 22 #~# CLEVELAND—According to official NBA statisticians, Cavs phenom LeBron James is currently on pace to be the youngest NBA player in history to reach the age of 22. "If James continues to age at this rate, the young forward will turn 22 on December 30 of this year," said Cavaliers public-relations director Amanda Mercado, who noted that NBA legends Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Kobe Bryant and "several others" currently hold this record, having all turned 22 at the exact same age. "We're confident that 'King James' can rise to this challenge and set yet another mark that experts once thought to be utterly impossible." Some NBA analysts who have kept track of James' temporal progress have speculated that James might skip his 23rd year altogether and go straight to 24.
Redick, Morrison To Share 'Larry Bird Trophy For Certain Intangibles' #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Duke's J.J. Redick and Gonzaga's Adam Morrison joined previous honorees Christian Laettner, Keith Van Horn, and Shawn Bradley Tuesday as co-recipients of the Larry Bird Trophy, which recognizes "certain athletes" each year for possessing "that particular quality" which "really sets them apart" from almost 80 percent of all other basketball players. "In this sport, it's very unusual to find two great players of their…uh, let's see, how should I put it…'stripe,'" said college-basketball analyst Digger Phelps, who immediately asked that his previous statement be stricken from the record. "They really…hmm… You see, not a lot of players are even qualified for this award, you know, in the sense that… Well, let's just hope that, if and when these guys are starting in the NBA, they are able to compete with the league's other more athletic, instinctual…folks." This marks the first time that there have been two winners of the Bird Trophy since 1993, when Bobby Hurley and half of Jason Kidd shared the award.
NHL Trade Deadline Passes Without Single Noticeable Change #~# DETROIT—Despite a record-breaking number of trades made on the day of the first trade deadline since the 2004-2005 lockout, league insiders and die-hard NHL fans alike have failed to recognize that anything is different, according to NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. "I know for a fact that over 50 players were traded, including a bunch of Russians, some Finnish goaltenders, and a few Czechs or Slovakians or something who were dealt amongst the 30 or so NHL teams. Still, it's hard to remember names and positions without having the paperwork in front of me," Bettman said. "However, I can state for the record that there are a number of new lantern-jawed, gap-toothed, largely interchangeable faces in locker rooms throughout the league. I guess they all just wanted to play in other cities." An ESPN quick-poll determined that most sports fans were unaware of the NHL players who were traded, the NHL trade deadline, or the NHL.
Report: ESPN's Around The Horn May Be Fixed #~# NEW YORK—The Sports Talk-Show Gaming Commission announced Monday that Around The Horn, the ESPN program in which competing sports reporters are scored on their analysis, opinions, and snide remarks, is under investigation for a possible point-shaving scandal. "What could have been a haven for spirited debates about sports appears to be nothing more than a front to make certain Las Vegas and Bristol high-rollers richer," said commission chairman Jeremy Schaap, who will further expose the scandal on an upcoming episode of his own ESPN show, Outside The Lines. "Too often, odds-on favorite Jay Mariotti will be in the lead heading into the final minutes, then inexplicably go off on a tangent and be 'muted,' allowing underdog Woody Paige to come from behind and cover the spread. A $100 bet on a guy like Paige can bring in a $5,000 dollar payout in Vegas." Fans of the show say that, if these allegations are true, they will be forced to instead watch Pardon The Interruption, a program where the same exact topics are debated, point-free, at a more convenient time.
Ambien Increasingly Blamed for Auto Accidents #~# According to police reports nationwide, the popular prescription sleep aid Ambien is being cited in increasing numbers of traffic tickets and accident reports. What do you think?
Slobodan Milosevic Dead #~# Former Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic died in prison before a verdict in his four-year trial for genocide and war crimes could be rendered. What do you think?
You Haven't Watched Television Until You've Done It At My House #~# Are you busy tonight? Just going to curl up at home and watch a little teev? I mean TV. I call it teev, because when you have a sweet setup like I do, you have to have a name for it.
I Wonder What Kind Of Message I'm Sending To The Troops #~# I support the troops from the bottom of my heart. But my question is, do they know that? What if I'm somehow sending them the wrong message?
Marketing Scientists Successfully Map The Human Heartstrings #~# GERMANTOWN, MD—Scientists at the National Research Center For The Study Of Comparative Marketing announced Monday that they have completed a map delineating and identifying the functions of each of the individual human heartstrings. "According to our research, 'father dancing with his daughter at her wedding' causes a strong desire to buy a digital camera," Human Heartstring Project team-leader Dr. Joseph Portman said. "A child playing in the grass with a litter of puppies, on the other hand, makes you crave a microwavable rice dish." Portman went on to explain that his research will allow advertisers to draw more and better inferences between image and product, pausing occasionally to hug his partner Dr. Daniel Wise and cry.
Report: Many Jobs Lack Benefits To Cut #~# NEW YORK—According to a report published in the February issue of Forbes magazine, employers are reporting difficulty finding job benefits to eliminate. "Health insurance,  matching 401(k) contributions, lunch breaks, and various allowances and reimbursements are all fair game for cost-cutting—that is, when they are offered by employers in the first place,"  staff writer Jason Smills wrote. "By not extending these perks to their employees in the first place, however, American business owners find themselves lacking the crucial ability to take them away." Smills noted that 97 percent of the possible benefit cuts in American jobs had already been made, reducing the potential for greater company profits and executive-level benefits to "alarming" lows.
Captor, Captive Have Different Senses Of Humor #~# BAGHDAD—Volunteer aid worker Roy Rodriguez, 23, and the man who keeps him caged in a basement in suburban Baghdad have very different senses of humor, Rodriguez said in a video shown on Al Jazeera Tuesday. "He's into slapstick—he laughs when I take a harsh blow or get kicked down the basement steps," Rodriguez said. "I'm more of a Seinfeld fan—I see the absurdity in little things, like the fact that an Arabic speaker who coordinates relief efforts in Iraq is this moron's sworn enemy." Rodriguez added that he found the reaction to the recent group of Danish cartoons spoofing the prophet Muhammad "sort of funny," but that his captor "doesn't see the joke."
Bush Increasingly Focused On How Revisionist History Will See Him #~# WASHINGTON, DC—With many of his administration's policies facing growing public disapproval, President Bush is reportedly becoming more concerned with how he will be portrayed by future revisionist historians. "Just last summer, the president never reflected on how apologists would spin his increased lobbying for an unpopular war, or how future far-right generations would justify his failed domestic policy initiatives," presidential scholar Dr. Robert Dallek said. "He reportedly asked an aide if, decades from now, the deluded would see him as great, like Ronald Reagan, or merely as a fully redeemed elder statesman, like Richard Nixon." Margaret Meehan, a spokesman for the National Board Of Historical Revision, offered no comment on any future portrayal of "America's most beloved and accomplished president."
Poverty-Stricken Africans Receive Desperately Needed Bibles #~# MARADI, NIGER—More than 60,000 urgently needed Bibles arrived to allay suffering throughout the famine-stricken nation of Niger Friday, in one of the largest humanitarian-relief operations ever attempted by a Christian ministry. 
Landscaper Waiting For Career-Defining Lawn #~# COLUMBIA, MO—Landscaper Kevin Larson announced Monday that, while he has enjoyed working as part of ensemble crews on smaller, low-budget projects, he is looking for a breakout lawn that will place him in the top tier of Columbia's lawn-care industry.
Conspiracy Theorist Has Elaborate Explanation For Why He's Single #~# SIOUX FALLS, SD—In light of a broken engagement two years ago, area school-bus driver and longtime conspiracy enthusiast Robert Ericsson outlined an intricate theory to reporters Tuesday to explain his failure to begin a new relationship.
New Poll Finds 86 Percent Of Americans Don't Want To Have A Country Anymore #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A Gallup/Harris Interactive poll released Monday indicates that nearly nine out of 10 Americans are “tired of having a country.”
Meth Puts Strain On ERs #~# A recent survey of hospitals indicated that methamphetamine is responsible for more drug-related emergency-room admissions than any other illicit drug. What do you think?
Bald Eagles Thriving #~# A recent survey indicated that bald eagles would soon be taken off the endangered-species list. What do you think?
Barry Bonds Took Steroids, Reports Everyone Who Has Ever Watched Baseball #~# SAN FRANCISCO—With the publication of a book detailing steroid use by San Francisco Giants superstar Barry Bonds, two San Francisco Chronicle reporters have corroborated the claims of Bonds' steroid abuse made by every single person who has watched or even loosely followed the game of baseball over the past five years.
Five Percent Of U.S. Workers Are Illegal Aliens #~# A recent study shows that 5 percent of all workers in the U.S. are illegal immigrants. What do you think?
Todd Helton Disappointed To Be On Area Man's Fantasy-Baseball Team #~# DENVER—Shortly after being selected in the second round of a local online fantasy-baseball draft, Rockies All-Star first-baseman Todd Helton announced Monday that he would much rather play for "any of the other 11 teams in the league." "I've played for this guy in the past, and he has no idea how to manage his team, and often loses interest and stops competing after just a couple months," Helton said, referring to Mets 4 Life owner and Trenton-area pizza-delivery man Ryan Sheehy. "Last season, I got off to a bit of a slow start, and the guy benches me the rest of the year in favor of Doug Mientkiewicz. I lose enough as a member of the Rockies. I just wish I could play for a capable manager like [The Damon Connection's] Mike Broberg or [Smilin' Joe Randa's] Garrett Baldwin." Helton added that, if it were worth the effort to find a way to contact Sheehy, he would demand a trade.
NBA Analysts: If Playoffs Started Today, They Would Be Over By A Decent Time #~# NEW YORK—Basketball analysts nationwide are generally in agreement that, if the pro-basketball playoffs were to start at this time, they would actually be over by a reasonable date for once instead of dragging on through the middle of the summer. "The numbers we're looking at support the idea that just beginning the quarterfinals in early March would have us going about the rest of our lives by mid-May, instead of having to pretend that we're still riveted by the Spurs' consistent winning and the Knicks' reliable losing at that time," said Kenny Smith of TNT's Inside The NBA. "I mean, I love basketball, but really, by the time it's nice outside, the last thing I want to do is hang around the gym and marvel at the Pistons' rebounding stats." Most analysts also commented that, if the NBA finals began today, they would "probably watch" every game.
Deadlifting Championship Once Again Won By Transylvania #~# REYKJAVIK, ICELAND—The Twinlab International Powerlifting Championships ended predictably Sunday, as for the 47th consecutive year, the Transylvanian team swept the deadlifting events. "We Transylvanian lifters of the dead have a saying: 'You've got to vant it,'" said Transylvanian dark-strength coach Comte von Alucard III. "Yes… The creatures of the night… What beautiful powerlifting competitors they make." The Transylvanian squad will once again leave the world championship with two awards despite finishing first through third, as team officials hissed and drew back when presented with the silver medal.
Pro Bass Fisherman Explains Life To Son Through Complicated Bass-Fishing Metaphors #~# NUBTUCK, GA—In his efforts to teach his son important life lessons, tournament bass fisherman Kyle Traverts usually reverts to complex bass-fishing metaphors, sources close to the family reported Tuesday. "You know, Kevin, sometimes you think you've got it all set up perfectly—reel drag set right, boat positioned just so for staging in 8-to-12 feet of water, line clean and fresh, good crank-jig with nice sharp hooks, and you still wind up with your reel spooled and your line broken," Traverts told his 10-year-old son during an after-dinner father-son talk about school bullies Tuesday night. "Just remember, son, when all's said and done, you're scored on the total weight in the livewell, not on the biggest single largemouth." Although Kevin Traverts thanked his father afterwards, he intends to come to his mother for advice on girls when he gets old enough.
Army Recruitment On Campus #~# The Supreme Court ruled that universities must allow military recruiters on campus if they are going to accept federal money. What do you think?
Japanese Cars On Top #~# Every automobile in Consumer Reports’ list of the top 10 cars in  the U.S. is Japanese-made.  What do you think?
Altruism Mocked #~# EUGENE, OR—Resident Mark Eisenfeld was taken to task by fellow citizens Tuesday for helping a lost and apparently senile elderly man find his way home. "Ooh, look at me, I'm gonna drop everything I'm doing to personally aid some old man I've never seen before," said freelance writer Eric Bergstrom, who was eating at a local diner when he saw Eisenfeld buy the confused man a cup of coffee and ask him where he lived. "Because, you know, it's not like there's cops or emergency workers trained to do that stuff. Must be nice having all that free time to be a big hero. What a stuck-up prick." As of press time, Eisenfeld's ulterior motive had not been determined.
Perfect Attendance Credited To Abusive Household #~# VIROQUA, WI—The staff of Viroqua Middle School credit seventh grader Ben Lohm's perfect attendance to his family, particularly his alcoholic father and mentally unstable  mother. "Ben is always the first to arrive for school and the last to leave," principal Pete Thomas said. "His grades aren't stellar, but he's in a different after-school club every day of the week, and even though he flinches a bit too much for contact sports, he makes a great batboy."  Thomas added: "Lohm's parents have pounded the importance of attendance and punctuality into all seven of their children."
Paul Giamatti Lauded For Supporting Role In Area Murder #~# ENCINO, CA—Actor Paul Giamatti, known for choosing risky and offbeat projects, has been generating buzz among law enforcers for his small but vital part in the murder of area convenience-store clerk Malcolm Mikita. "Even though it was another low-profile job and the big-names are getting more attention, Giamatti almost stole this robbery-homicide," film critic Joel Siegel said after watching surveillance footage of the crime. "He literally had his audience on the ground in tears." Siegel predicted that even Giamatti's harshest critics, including the LAPD and members of the victim's family, would be talking about the performance for years.
Classic Boring #~# MONTPELIER, VT—Book-circle organizer Jackie McKinney announced Monday that the remaining 26 chapters of the John Steinbeck's The Grapes Of Wrath will be skipped because they are boring. "It might be a classic, but it sure is hard to keep your attention on it," McKinney said. "What happens to those Dust Bowl farmers during the Depression is sad, but I can only read so many descriptions of the dust and the crickets and the hard wrinkles in so-and-so's face. A true classic should be impossible to put down." The book circle has not abandoned the classics; it has scheduled a Friday night viewing of the 1998 movie adaptation of Great Expectations starring Ethan Hawke.
Why Can't Our Family Be More Like The Entenmanns? #~# What's going on with us? James came home with terrible grades in algebra and biology last month. Michelle just quit the volleyball team. I'm always stuck working late and my wife feels like she's a thousand miles away. 
We Must Expand Our Nuclear Power Program If We're To Realize Our Dream Of Superhero Mutants #~# As the search for alternative energy sources continues, many decry nuclear energy as an unsafe and irresponsible option. Admittedly, dangers exist, but innovation always involves risk, for the best ideas often result from happy accidents. Indeed, perhaps a catastrophic meltdown would be the best thing that could happen. To abandon nuclear energy is to risk something far greater than another Chernobyl. It is to risk the loss of future superpowered, costumed heroes.
Mover Regales Area Man With Story Of Time He Moved Dresser Just Like This One #~# PONTIAC, MI—During a routine crosstown job Monday, Triple S Transfer And Storage mover Ron Estes informed client Ward Buell that Buell's bedroom dresser was remarkably similar to one that Estes encountered "about five years ago." 
Wonder Drug Inspires Deep, Unwavering Love Of Pharmaceutical Companies #~# NEW YORK—The Food and Drug Administration today approved the sale of the drug PharmAmorin, a prescription tablet developed by Pfizer to treat chronic distrust of large prescription-drug manufacturers. 
'Iraqi Gandhi' Preaches Slightly Less Violence #~# BAGHDAD—In schools and coffeehouses, parlors and public squares, Iraqis are discussing and debating the revolutionary teachings of activist Iyad al-Naqib, who is being hailed by some as the "Iraqi Mahatma Gandhi" for his commitment to practicing "a bit less severe" forms of violence against infidels and crusaders. 
Dozens Trapped In Candlelight Vigil For Coal Miners #~# HARLAN COUNTY, KY—A candlelight vigil Tuesday night outside the Drum Ridge mine, where eight coal miners are believed to be confined, left an estimated 55 residents trapped with no means of socially acceptable escape. 
Smart Aleck Ruins Academy Awards #~# VINCENNES, IN—Viewers of the 78th Academy Awards report that the event was ruined by the unknown smart aleck who served as the master of ceremonies. "I’m disappointed they couldn’t get a name," said 68-year-old retiree Louise Bloedorn, who said her enjoyment of the Oscars was marred by confusion and a vague feeling that the host was somehow mocking the event. "That new fellow will not go far in show business—or any business—if he doesn’t learn to show respect for the stars." A Bloomington Herald-Times poll of viewers showed a strong preference for bringing back "the guy from City Slickers." 
Bush Knew About Katrina #~# In spite of his assertions to the contrary, reports say that Bush was informed of the worst-case scenario surrounding Hurricane Katrina, and was even videotaped being briefed. What do you think?
Sex Pistols Shun Rock Honor #~# The Sex Pistols are refusing to play at the ceremony during which they  will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. What do  you think?
Report: Vince Young May Not Be Smart Enough To Play In NFL #~#  INDIANAPOLIS, IN—After scoring a reported 6 on his first attempt at the Wonderlic intelligence test at last week's NFL combine, draft specialists have called into question whether University of Texas quarterback Vince Young possesses the intellectual vigor to be a successful quarterback in the NFL. 
Knicks Trade Draft Pick To Raptors In Exchange For Three Wins #~# NEW YORK—Just minutes before the NBA trade deadline passed last Thursday, New York GM Isiah Thomas traded the Knicks' second-round draft pick to Toronto in return for three of the Raptors' victories. "We looked at a lot of offers, but with this deal, we knew exactly what we were getting," said Thomas, whose critics say this move is only a short-term solution to the Knicks' problems. "I don't think there's any question that this immediately makes us a better team. Just look at the standings—we were in last place by a few games last night, and we've already shot up to fourth. Our fans have been calling for more wins all season, and that's exactly what we've given them." Insiders report that Thomas had also been working on a trade in which Houston would receive all the Knicks' 2006-2007 victories in return for Tracy McGrady, but the deal fell apart after the Rockets said that would "not be nearly enough to help them contend."
ESPN Anchors Admit They've All Had Crush On Linda Cohn At Some Point #~# BRISTOL, CT—Current and former anchors of the ESPN sports-highlight show SportsCenter have come forward of their own free will to announce that they have all had "romantic, but utterly innocent" feelings for fellow anchor Linda Cohn since her hiring in 1992. "Anchors are only human, after all, and face it—Linda's funny, smart, strikingly attractive, and has amazing presence," said Keith Olbermann, SportsCenter anchor from 1992 to 1997, who, as spokesman for the group, stressed that nothing ever came of any of the more than 30 recorded crushes. "I mean, I didn't have it as bad as, say, Kenny Mayne, but come on—I'm neither blind nor an idiot." Cohn has yet to respond to either Olbermann's comments or the handwritten statement signed by almost every one of her former co-anchors, including Olbermann, Mayne, Stuart Scott, Charlie Steiner, and Suzy Kolber.
Google Losing Steam #~# Google recently suffered a 13% percent drop in stock price, the sharpest drop in the history of the company. What do you think?
Cross-Country Champ Wishes He Were Good At Sports #~# WOODSIDE, CA—Cross-country runner Ryan Hall, who won the USA Track & Field open men's 12-km championship race last week, later said that his life would be so much different if only he were good at sports. "Man, what I wouldn't give to have the God-given ability to throw a baseball, run with the football, sink a 10-foot putt, or even catch a big ol' bass," said Hall, attempting to catch his breath after running seven and a half miles in just under 35 minutes. "Things would be easier, that's for sure—I'd have a fun and glamorous job, make tons of money, and I wouldn't have to stay in such goddamn good shape." Hall said that, for now, he will stick with his current career in the hopes that he may get noticed and signed by a U.S. men's soccer team.
South Dakota Abortion Ban #~# South Dakota is poised to enact an abortion ban that would include cases of rape or incest. What do you think?
Mexican Immigrants Call For A Day of Action #~# May 1st will be the next "Day of Action" in which Latino activists will take to the streets to protest restrictive policies against Mexican immigrants. What do you think?
Matt Leinart Wins Beauty Contest Portion Of NFL Draft #~# NEW YORK—Matt Leinart, the USC quarterback, former Heisman Trophy winner, and current ESPN Hottest Male Athlete, cashed in early at the 2006 NFL Draft when he was chosen first by a panel of eight celebrity judges in the draft's Tuesday night beauty pageant at New York's W Hotel. "Matt was the obvious No. 1 pick—he has the All-American bone structure, the amazing eyes, and the hair that has stunned all the scouts," said celebrity judge and NFL Network host Rich Eisen, who presented Leinart with the draft pageant's coveted Joe Namath Trophy. "Get used to seeing this kid on magazine covers nationwide, if you haven't already." Leinart was modest when accepting the trophy, but said he was concentrating on Saturday's player draft, during which he is expected to be upstaged by less handsome athletes with stronger throwing arms and more mobility.
Ron Artest Issues Vague Threat Of 'Return To Form' In Game 3 #~# SAN ANTONIO—Shortly after the NBA announced that Ron Artest would be suspended for Game 2 for elbowing Manu Ginobili in the head during the third quarter of the Spurs-Kings series opener, the Kings forward issued a barely concealed threat in which he promised that he would return for Game 3 "in classic form" and that "the gloves are off for this one." "Everybody better watch out, because I'm more motivated than ever to get out there and do some real damage on the court," Artest said in a statement directed either at members of the Spurs, or members of the Spurs, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich, NBA referees, members of the Kings, and the approximately 17,317 fans scheduled to be in attendance at ARCO Arena Friday night. "The only way to truly even this series is to get back to basics, play Ron Artest basketball, and use the same techniques that got me to where I am today." Asked to clarify his remarks, Artest would only say that he planned to "really outdo himself this time" and that Friday's matchup would be "a heavyweight fight to the finish, and if I can get Big Bear and Crusher to the arena, possibly even a dogfight."
Jorge Posada's New Children's Book A Thinly Veiled Attack On Yankee Management #~# NEW YORK—Members of the New York Yankee organization's literary-review board are calling Play Ball!, the newly released semi-autobiographical children's book authored by catcher Jorge Posada, a "heartwarming tale about learning the game and making new friends" and "a means used by the writer in a blatant attempt to further his anti-Yankee-management agenda." "Passages like the one on page six, in which young Jorge's Little League coach 'Mr. Joe' starts batting Jorge lower and lower in the lineup just because his knees have been bothering him, and the character's accusations on page eight that 'Mr. Joe is just playing favorites with his son D.J. and the new kid from Arizona who doesn't like playing catch with me' seem to reveal a feeling of discontent that would probably be better dealt with by speaking to Yankee staff and personnel in person," said board director Lee Mazzilli. "Particularly troubling and transparent is page 12, where the team's sponsor, a shipbuilding-company owner referred to only as 'The Big Boss,' refuses to pay Jorge millions of dollars to stay on the team 'when it comes time for him to leave.'" Posada would not comment on the implications of the story's conclusion, in which young Jorge asks his parents to move "so [he] can play baseball with the kids across town."
Gitmo Prisoner Names Released #~# The U.S government released the first list of detainees at the Guantanamo Bay prison last week, the most extensive accounting yet of the hundreds of people being held there. What do you think?
Returned 2004 World Series Ball: 'Doug Mientkiewicz Physically And Mentally Abused Me' #~# BOSTON—The baseball that made the final out in the 2004 World Series has been returned to its rightful owners, capping off a tumultuous 18 months during which the ball says it experienced "extreme physical and emotional trauma" at the hands of former Red Sox first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz, who ran off with the ball following the Boston's sweep of the St. Louis Cardinals.  
Keith Hernandez Narrowing Down List Of Places Women Do And Don't Belong #~# NEW YORK—Mets broadcaster Keith Hernandez, the subject of recent controversy after remarking that women "don't belong in the dugout," called a press conference yesterday to further explain places where he believes women do or do not belong. "While I still do not believe that women belong in dugouts, locker rooms, and many other locations, I believe women do in fact belong in certain other places," Hernandez said.  "For instance, they belong in souvenir kiosks, reception areas, certain places in the press box, and even limited locations in large board rooms. That's not to say that I think they belong only in the kitchen or bedroom, regardless of where they're best suited to be. I just don't think they should be in the dugout." Although he was not specifically asked, Hernandez also took time to speak at length as to what he believed was the proper place for society's Hispanics.
Fabulous Trash #~# Hmm…let's see how I'm doing on the New Year's resolutions so far:
Is Opening Week Too Soon To See A 9/11 Movie? #~# Has enough time passed since we first witnessed the awful event of the United 93 trailer to confront the full-length movie of United 93 in its opening week? 
Bush Calls Cabinet Meeting To Get Story Straight #~# WASHINGTON, DC—With his administration dogged by criminal allegations, President Bush called a special Cabinet meeting Tuesday to ensure that his staff's complex web of alibis is consistent at every level, an anonymous source reported. "Okay, team, let's make sure we're all on the same completely fabricated page here," Bush reportedly said while aides distributed thick binders containing the administration's latest official side of things. "The e-mail server crashed during Katrina, the dog chewed up our files on the Plame leak, and no one ever told me that the illegal wiretapping was illegal. Right, boys?" Added Bush:  "Remember, we're all really on a picnic at Camp David right now." Bush has held 17 Cabinet meetings to get the story straight since 2001, surpassing the previous record, held by the Reagan administration.
EPA Didn't Know Anybody Was Still Drinking Water #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Stephen Johnson apologized during a press conference Tuesday for what critics called "flagrant oversight and neglect" in monitoring ground- and tap-water quality across the United States, claiming that his department was unaware that citizens were still consuming it. "I can honestly say we had no idea that anyone used faucet water anymore," Johnson said. "Bottled water, sure—I have some here on the lectern. But if there really are people out there still drinking tap water, all I can say is you're better off not knowing what's in there." Johnson added that official EPA policy is that Americans should stick to sports drinks.
Calculus Problem Hits Too Close To Home #~# PULLMAN, WA–The analysis of formulae derived from the fundamental theorem of calculus had a profound and seemingly personal impact on Washington State University freshman Barry Feldman on Monday, teaching assistants in Feldman's differential calculus section reported. "There was something about having to consider multiple rates of change and their effect on one another that really struck a nerve with Barry. I've never seen a student flinch so violently at terms like 'increasingly negative curves' or 'derivatives,'" TA Melanie Peppers said. "As uneasy as the unresolved equation seemed to make Barry feel, the prospect of eventually arriving at a solution for it actually appeared to upset him more." Feldman was recently the subject of gossip among the faculty after he interrupted a lecture on increasing-tensor calculus by screaming that "enough is enough" and asking if the professor would "please just change the subject."
Scholars Discover 23 Blank Pages That May As Well Be Lost Samuel Beckett Play #~# PARIS—Just weeks after the centennial of the birth of pioneering minimalist playwright Samuel Beckett, archivists analyzing papers from his Paris estate uncovered a small stack of blank paper that scholars are calling "the latest example of the late Irish-born writer's genius."
Kidnappers Realize They Have No Idea What Child Is Worth #~# SAN YSIDRO, CA—The weekend kidnapping of 5-year-old Brendan Adler stalled Tuesday when the two men responsible for his abduction announced that they have no way to gauge the current market value of the boy.
Search For Wallet Self-Narrated #~# YPSILANTI, MI—Local man Kevin McCormick, 28, delivered a complete running commentary throughout a 12-minute search for the four-year-old, Velcro-fastened wallet he misplaced Sunday.
Harvard Author Caught Plagiarizing #~# Harvard sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan, who was paid the largest advance for an unpublished author, admitted to having "unintentionally" borrowed passages from author Megan McCafferty for her book How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life. What do you think?
Grease Fire Rages Through Midwest #~# MILWAUKEE—A raging grease fire has spread across the southern half of Wisconsin and into the neighboring states of Illinois, Iowa, and Minnesota, killing at least eight and leaving hundreds injured or missing after the intense heat and acrid odor of charred pork and cheese-filled breading overwhelmed the region.
Bush Promotes Hydrogen As Alternative Fuel Source #~# President Bush gave an Earth Day address in California reaffirming his commitment to hydrogen as the alternative fuel of the future. What do you think?
Many More Chernobyl Victims? #~# A new Greenpeace report argues that 10 times as many people died from the Chernobyl disaster than official estimates claimed at the time. What do you think?
TomKitten's Silent Birth #~# Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter Suri was born Tuesday under Scientology's strict "silent birth" guidelines. What do you think?
Barry Zito Demands Trade To World Without War #~# OAKLAND, CA—With the A's exploring the possibility of moving their soon-to-be free-agent pitcher Barry Zito, and with everything around him only getting more violent and chaotic with each passing day, the introspective southpaw demanded Tuesday that he be traded to a world unaffected by "the ravages humanity has brought upon itself." "My client is seeking a fresh start for himself and/or mankind, as he can no longer enjoy pitching in a universe where people are suffering, starving—even dying—all around him," Zito's agent Arn Tellem said. "Barry informs me that the only viable solution to both senseless worldwide bloodshed and the problem with his pitching mechanics is simply to live every day with love." Zito has reportedly said that, if he absolutely must remain on this Earth, he demands a trade through the halls of time itself, as he has narrowed down his list of potential trade destinations to the 1924 Chicago Cubs, the 1969 Baltimore Orioles, and the present-day Yankees.
283 Children Killed In Minor League Baseball Team's 'Kill Your Children' Promotion #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Front-office officials for the popular minor-league St. Paul Saints baseball team called their decision to name Monday "Kill Your Children Night" an "egregious mistake" and "a rousing attendance success" after Twin Cities families took advantage of the team's offer to take $5 off adult ticket prices for every child they kill in the parking lot. "After all the crazy promotions we at the Saints have held over the years, we know one thing for certain: People will do anything for cheap baseball tickets," Saints marketing manager Bill Silberklang said. "We expected one or two infanticides, sure, but this… This may be the worst thing to happen in quirky baseball promotion since Disco Demolition Night." Team officials have apologized to the community for encouraging them to murder their children, and said that the attendance record set that same night would forever be marked with an asterisk in the team's media guide.
Injured Pacer Eddie Gill Wins NBA's 12th Man Award #~# INDIANA—Indiana Pacers guard Eddie Gill was presented Wednesday with the NBA's "12th Man" award by NBA commissioner David Stern's assistant. "Whether he was unhealthy and cheering on his team from the bench, or he was healthy and cheering on his team from the bench, Eddie showed up every day," Stern's assistant said in a ceremony attended by him and Gill. "Very few people can say they are a part of a professional basketball team." When a teary-eyed Gill took the podium to accept his award, he was quick to point out that, when he did play this season, he once scored seven points against Dallas and tallied two assists against the Lakers.
Aaron Baddeley Wins Tournament Tiger Woods Would Have Won Had He Been There #~# HILTON HEAD ISLAND, SC—Golf analyst Johnny Miller called Aaron Baddeley's first-place 15-under performance at the Verizon Heritage golf tournament a good effort, but nothing compared to what Tiger Woods would have done had he been there. "Tiger would have easily shot 21-under, maybe even 23-under because there was so little wind," Miller said to Baddeley during a post-round interview. "Aaron, Tiger would have eagled that long par five and driven the green on that par four, and he would have definitely made that putt you missed on number 12. But, I guess that's just Tiger being Tiger." Baddeley accepted defeat, saying that coming in second to Woods in a tournament in which Woods did not in fact play is no dishonor, and that he would send Woods the majority of the first-place check, minus travel and lodging expenses.
Pedro Martinez Credits Success To Lucky Midget, Sun God, Magic Beads #~# NEW YORK—In an interview following his 200th career win Monday night, Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez said he never could have reached this milestone without the aid of his lucky midget, the Egyptian sun god Ra, and every person and thing who helped him along the way, including an enchanted necklace, former British prime minister Arthur Neville Chamberlain, and a talking whale who lives off the coast of his native Dominican Republic that only he can communicate with.
Former Illinois Governor Found Guilty Of Fraud #~# Former Illinois Governor George Ryan was found guilty of racketeering and fraud for steering big money contracts to friends, family and cronies. What do you think?
Sound of Children's Laughter Music To Disney Focus-Group Leader's Ears #~# BURBANK, CA—Mary Herndon loves the joyful sound of children's laughter almost as much as the gross profits it will bring, the presentation facilitator for Walt Disney Pictures said Monday. "It's my duty to take whatever is pure and genuine, and repurpose it into stuffed animals, video games, sleepwear, and Happy Meal toys," she said after a "productive"  viewing of Disney's newest fairy-tale adaptation, Hansel, Gretel, and Rollee The Talking Skateboard. "We like to say that every time a child smiles, a parent spends $2.17. And we can back that up with solid figures."
Compliment Of Pants Sounds Suspiciously Like Intent To Steal Them #~# AUSTIN, TX—The praise leveled at the tweed pants currently worn by record-store clerk Anton Eklund's by longtime friend Bernard Woelters sounds suspiciously like an overture to larcenous action, Eklund said Monday. "Those are really, really nice pants. How do they fasten, exactly? Where would you keep pants like that—in a closet, a dresser, hanging on a peg?" Woelters is reported to have asked Eklund at a party over the weekend. "Pretty wide cuffs on them too, I see. Can they be yanked off over your shoes without being damaged?"  Though Eklund has no concrete proof that the pants are at risk, he is considering purchasing a more secure belt.
Pope Benedict Asks If It's Too Late To Change Name #~# VATICAN CITY—Only a year after ascending to the papacy, Pope Benedict XVI is appealing the College of Cardinals for a name change. "Benedict is serviceable enough, but I did not consider the ease of it being shortened to 'Ben' by impudent dignitaries such as Bono, nor did I foresee the difficulties it would pose whenever I ordered eggs," the former Cardinal Ratzinger said Monday. "I obviously wouldn't go with John Paul or Pius. Boniface is a non-starter, but there is precedent for a Pope Lando, Corwin, or Marcellus." The pope admitted that when he chose his papal name he was mostly concerned with avoiding the nickname "Nazinger."
Obese Doctors Urge Nation To Eat Three Meals A Meal #~# CHICAGO—A coalition of morbidly obese physicians recommended Monday that Americans eat at least three full meals per meal, with particular emphasis on starches, meats, mayonnaises, and creamy centers. "We're gravely concerned that Americans are consuming less than 2,000 calories per sitting, and are missing out on having heaping seconds and thirds," said Dr. Henry Vance, 418-pound director of the Candy-Farley Memorial Center For Nutritional Science at Johns Dunkins University. The doctors hope the new plan will be clearer and easier to follow than their previous effort, the "See-Food Diet." 
NAACP Calls For More Diversity In Police Lineups #~# BALTIMORE—The NAACP challenged U.S. law-enforcement agencies Monday to promote diversity by providing a broader spectrum of ethnicities in police lineups. "We must expand the definition of the traditional lineup to include underrepresented groups such as Asians, Pacific Islanders, and whites," NAACP president Bruce Gordon said. "The criminal-justice system ought to offer all Americans the same opportunities blacks have enjoyed for so long."
Drunk Will Show You, Everybody #~# YOUNGSTOWN, OH—In response to the shit he knows everyone is saying about him, local resident Todd Stenerud, after a prolonged drinking session, announced his intention to show you and everyone else just minutes before closing time at a local bar Monday. 
iTunes To Sell You Your Home Videos For $1.99 Each #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Apple Computer, producer of the successful iPod MP3 player, is now offering consumers limited rights to buy their own home movies from the media store iTunes for $1.99 each.
Beaver Overthinking Dam #~# HUNTSVILLE, ONTARIO—Local beaver Dennis Messner is spending an inordinate amount of time and effort in the planning and construction phases of building his dam, according to neighbors close to the project. 
Childbirth To Be Area Woman's Least Painful Interaction With Daughter #~# SCHENECTADY, NY—The near-indescribable pain of a 30-hour labor and the passing of an eight-pound infant through her birth canal will, over time, prove to be the least agonizing part of Virginia Quigley's relationship with her daughter, the 23-year-old first-time mother failed to realize Monday. 
Baby, You Mean The World Of Warcraft To Me #~# Come on, honey, why do you have to be like that? You know that you're my Elven princess. My one and only. I would dare say that there is no one in all the realm who doesn't know of our love. I have sung your praises from the mouth of the Shadowthread Cave to the Stranglethorn Vale of the Eastern Kingdoms. I've introduced you to my comrades-in-arms in the Ulster guild, and they all accept you as kin. 
This Chemical Imbalance In My Brain Is Driving Me Crazy #~# Have you ever been standing in line at the bank for so long that you feel like you're going to explode—just completely flip out? Well, I'm the exact same way. Except it's not waiting in line that drives me utterly nuts. It's the undersupply of key brain-chemistry cofactors, like amino acids, that help transport neurotransmitter precursors into my blood-brain barrier. 
Rumsfeld Under Attack #~# Donald Rumsfeld is under pressure to resign, first by a cadre of retired generals, now by Senior Democrats for his handling of the war. What do you think?
Christian Student Sues For Right To Hate Speech #~# Ruth Malhotra, a student at the Georgia Institute of Technology, sued the institution over her right to speak freely against homosexuality in accordance with her religion. What do you think?
New Healthier Pigs #~# Scientists have cloned pigs that are engineered to contain omega-3 fatty acids, which produce healthier pork. What do you think?
Gospel Of Judas Found #~# A 1,700-year-old papyrus document called the Gospel of Judas indicates that the apostle Judas betrayed Jesus to the Romans at his request. What do you think?
Jimmy Rollins Extends Non-Sequential-Game Hit Streak #~# ATLANTA—With his 3-for-4 performance in Monday night's game against the Braves, Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins extended his non-sequential-game hit streak to 748 non-consecutive games, the only recorded, and therefore longest, streak of its kind in major-league history. "The key reason my streak has gone on as long as it has is that I'm not just trying to go out there and get a hit in every at bat, or even in every game," Rollins said. "And oftentimes I don't. But you've just got to move on, count the hits you do get, and have confidence that, be it the next game or the next series, eventually another hit will drop in to keep the streak alive." Rollins also pointed out that his consecutive-game hit streak actually stands at 801 if you take the extra ones he got in multi-hit games and distribute them among the games in which he was hitless.
Packers To Favre: 'Take Your Time, Asshole' #~# ASHWAUBENON, WI—Green Bay Packers front-office officials have informed three-time MVP Brett Favre they can wait for his decision on whether or not he's planning to retire for "as long as it fucking takes." "This is a big decision for Brett Favre, and we can't deny that he's the heart and soul of our team, the most important Packer, the most important person in all of America, and the center of the whole entire universe," Packer general manager Ted Thompson said Tuesday. "It's not like we have to make any major decisions that all hinge on whether or not he's returning, after all. We'll just ride around on our lawn tractors on our farm in Mississippi while we wait for him to make up his goddamn mind." Favre would not say when he might announce his decision, admitting that he was "too much in awe of what Mr. Brilliant Genius Thompson did with the 4-12 Packers last year" to commit one way or the other.
NBA Praises Julius Hodge For Getting Shot In Non-Controversial Fashion #~# DENVER—NBA commissioner David Stern proudly announced Tuesday that Denver Nuggets guard Julius Hodge was simply minding his own business while driving home from a Denver nightclub when he was shot in the leg three times. "It's a testament to the quality of character in the NBA that the only thing Julius Hodge was guilty of was being at the wrong place at the wrong time," said a beaming Stern to a group of reporters who were assembled to hear the announcement of the non-scandal. "Julius is a role model, not only for young NBA fans out there, but also other players in the league, specifically Paul Pierce and former New Jersey Nets forward Jason Williams." Stern was also careful to note that Hodge was not listening to rap music in his unremarkable, standard-factory-wheel-equipped four-door sedan at the time he was shot.
Plans To Nuke Iran #~# According to an article by Seymour Hersh in this issue of The New Yorker, the U.S. has drawn up plans to preemptively attack Iran to stop their nuclear program, including possibly using tactical nuclear weapons. What do you think?
Frank Robinson Spends One-Game Suspension Clenching Fists In Anger #~# HOUSTON—Suspended for his role in the Mets-Nationals brawl last week, Washington manager Frank Robinson opted to serve his suspension during Monday's game against the Astros, which he watched alone while standing atop the darkened rafters of Minute Maid Park with his hands tightly clenched in fists of silent, barely contained rage for the entirety of the three-hour contest. "While it is preferable that managers serving a suspension are kept out of the ballpark to keep them from relaying signals to their team, Mr. Robinson's anger-induced catatonic state prevented him from doing so even if he tried," said Bob Watson, MLB's vice president in charge of discipline, who in the third inning sent a team of security officials to monitor Robinson and prevent him from taking out his anger on fans, players, private property, or himself. "However, we are investigating a possible link between the changing of Nationals pitchers and the audible low-frequency rumble of grinding teeth emanating from the rafters, which could result in a further suspension, fine, or confiscation of Mr. Robinson's stress ball." Robinson returned to the dugout for the Nationals' Tuesday afternoon loss to the Mets, during which he repeated many of the same actions.
Dusty Baker Not Worried About Cubs' Hot Start #~# CHICAGO—Despite their impressive 4-2 start and the fact that their pitching and offense appears to be clicking on all cylinders, Cubs manager Dusty Baker said Wednesday that he has "no doubt" that his team will be able to turn things around in time to miss the playoffs.
How Can I Put A Price On My Wife's Head? #~# I've been married to Lani for nine interminable years, and the degree to which I despise, from the bottom of my heart, her every annoying syllable, carping over each tiny detail of our unbearable life together, is simply beyond measure.
I Really Have To Get My Magic Act Together #~# Today is the day I roll up my sleeves, take a long, hard look in the mirror hidden inside my Metamorphosis Trunk, and transform myself for the better. No more excuses. It's time I get all my doves in a row, put my stacked decks in order again, pick a goal, any goal, and just follow through, whether I want to or not. For instance, there are piles and piles of torn newspapers in the garage that I've been meaning to magically put back together for months now.
Many Senators Developing Simple Tools For Governing #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Scientists who study congressional behavior reported Monday that some senators are capable of developing and using primitive legislative tools. "We noticed about a month ago that an alpha senator and majority-leader silverback named 'Bill' had taken to banging his lectern with a hammer-like implement instead of using his fist or a leg of meat as the others do," said congressional anthropologist Allison Weathers, author of Rotundas In The Mist, the acclaimed account of life among the great congressmen of the Potomac River region of the U.S. "Since then we've seen multiple instances of tool use, such as small implements used for drafting and adjourning, as well as the rudiments of spoken language in the form of monosyllabic grunts such as 'aye' and 'nay,' common in group decision-making."
Air India Now Offers Business Caste Seating #~# MUMBAI—Air India, the subcontinent's largest airline, announced it will offer upgraded Business Caste seating on all flights starting in July. "More legroom, wider seats—and no need to associate with the manual laborers," a spokesman for the airline said Tuesday. "Our business travelers must have lived good past lives to deserve this." Air India still ranks at the bottom of the airline industry in customer satisfaction, with a high volume of complaints about cooking fires in the climate-uncontrolled cabins, wandering cows that flight attendants refuse to remove, and the "Untouchable" Coach Caste, which is towed behind Air  India jetliners in a giant burlap sack.
Man's Streak Of Getting Great Parking Spot Ends At 37 #~# CHICAGO, IL—Self-described "Michael Jordan Of Parking" Tim Llewelyn saw his personal record of consecutive "awesome" parking places end Monday at 37, sources close to the junior accounts manager said. "He had a damn good run," said coworker John Billups, who was in Llewelyn's 1999 Toyota Camry when he spent an hour fruitlessly circling the Hyde Park area. "In fact, were it not for all the road work near the [University Of Chicago] campus, he might've made it to 40." As of press time, Llewelyn's streak of parallel-parking attempts without making bumper contact stood at six.
Redundancy Built Into TV Show To Protect Against Failure #~# HOLLYWOOD—To insure against a total comedy-systems failure like the one that caused the Coupling disaster, producers of the new NBC sitcom The Silver Lining said their show has built-in redundant comedy devices which will idiot-proof the show against failure. "This new series is engineered on a time-tested and reliable system of gags, repeated one after the other, with the same punchline being fired off simultaneously by multiple sources," executive producer Barry Hemming said. "If a John Larroquette quip catastrophically fails to get laughs, we have Jenna Elfman saying nearly the same line as a backup." Hemming noted that, while their Research and Development Department continues to work on a joke that can stand on its own, it is best for everyone in television that comedies be made as safe and reliable as possible.
Slipped Disc Celebrates 10th Year As Excuse For Everything #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Friends of 33-year-old Matt Breunich quietly observed the 10th anniversary of his lower-back problem, a chronic condition that has served as an ongoing reason to excuse himself from such diverse activities as taking out the trash, helping friends move, and making love to his girlfriend. 
Texas Oil Buffoon Pumping 8,000 Barrels Of Oil Into Ground Every Day #~# ODESSA, TX—As the rose-colored sunrise streaks across the Texas plains, he pulls his tailored pants over the top of his size-17 lily-white snakeskin boots, and pours hot water into his 10-gallon hat to brew another cup of coffee. 
Friendship With Homeless Man One-Sided #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Yale University junior Steve Hamlin received what he described as a "hard lesson" this week when he realized that he was the only one putting any effort into his friendship with homeless Vietnam War veteran Freddie Paige.
MIT Fraternity Accused Of Robot Hazing #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Several members of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology chapter of the Theta Tau fraternity are in campus-police custody today following a brutal hazing incident in which one robot remains missing and two others are in critical condition with extensive circuitry and servo-motor injuries, sources revealed Monday. 
NY Post Extortion Scandal #~# The New York Post's "Page Six" gossip column is under investigation for shaking down Manhattan socialites for positive coverage. What do you think?
Couric Leaving Today #~# Katie Couric is leaving the Today Show to host CBS Evening News. What do you think?
First 9/11 Film Coming #~# United 93, a film about the hijacked United flight that crashed in a Pennsylvania field on Sept. 11, 2001, will make its debut at the Tribeca Film Festival on April 25th. What do you think?
First Brazilian In Space #~# Lt. Col. Marcos Pontes, the first Brazilian astronaut, is due to return from his brief mission tomorrow. What do you think?
Peter Gammons Predicts He Will Finish Season Lonely And Depressed #~# BRISTOL, CT—In his 'Looking Ahead In 2006' column on ESPN's website, baseball analyst Peter Gammons said that there will be "no big surprises this year," predicting that he would once again finish the season in the cellar, all alone and unable to let go of the events of the past seven months. "Although some experts are saying I will fold in the hot weather come August, I'm certain I will make it to the playoffs and head into the World Series healthy and excited, as I do each year," Gammons wrote Monday. "But when all is said and done, I am going to end up lying prone on the world champions' clubhouse floor, where I will remain, covered in old champagne and stacks of 2006 box scores, until someone wakes me up next spring." Gammons also predicted that he would have an extremely quiet offseason in which he doesn't make any major moves.
Everyone In NCAA Head Office Wins NCAA Office Pool #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Staff members of the National Collegiate Athletic Association's main office engaged in reserved celebration Monday night, as Florida's victory resulted in each employee correctly and exactly predicting the winner of all 64 games in the tournament. "We've all clearly worked here together for too long, because we all turned in identical brackets, and we all did so within 15 minutes of the tournament schedule being announced," said a source close to the NCAA office who wished to remain anonymous and repeatedly insisted that he did not take part in the pool. "And we need a better system for tie-breakers than guessing the score of the final. Everyone got that one, too." Asked to comment about the situation, NCAA president Myles Brand said that he does not condone betting on college basketball, especially in an office where the payout for all the winners "was so low this year that I probably won't even participate anymore."
Reggie Bush Unable To Run, Carry Ball At Same Time During Workout For Pro Scouts #~# LOS ANGELES—Heisman-winning USC halfback Reggie Bush, once touted as a possible No. 1 pick in the NFL draft, severely damaged his draft status Tuesday when he was unable to simultaneously run and carry a football in front of scouts. "He was fast—a 4.33 in the 40—but his knees kept knocking the ball out of his hands," Texans GM Charlie Casserly said after watching Bush struggle through the workout. "He managed to hang on a couple times by holding it out in front of him where he could keep an eye on it, but then he tripped over his own feet, fell down, and almost bit off his tongue, which was sticking out from sheer concentration." Bush is still expected to be drafted before his former teammate, quarterback Matt Leinart, who spent the day in the infirmary after striking himself repeatedly in the back of the head with the football while attempting to pass.
Duke University Equestrian Team Hoping To Avoid Investigation Into Their Sex Scandal #~# DURHAM, NC—Mere weeks after members of their university's lacrosse team were accused of sexually assaulting exotic dancers, ranking Duke polo and equestrian team members are downplaying rumors that they repeatedly engaged in acts of exotic sexual misconduct during the infamously out-of-control parties held at the team's off-campus barn.
Commentator Charles Barkley Objects To Hall Of Fame Induction Of Suns Forward Charles Barkley #~# ATLANTA—TNT basketball analyst Charles Barkley took time during last night's broadcast of Inside The NBA to lash out at the National Basketball Association's Hall of Fame selection committee for choosing to induct former Suns forward Charles Barkley. "He only averaged 22 points, 11 rebounds, and four assists for his career," Barkley said, shocking co-hosts Ernie Johnson and Kenny Smith. "Anyone can do that. Hell, even I could do that." Barkley also noted that Barkley moved around to several teams, retired long after he should have, and is "most likely only getting inducted because of his personality." "I like a funny guy," Barkley said, "but I don't want to be a part of a league where somebody gets into the Hall of Fame just because he can crack a joke." Inductee Charles Barkley refused to address Charles Barkley's remarks, saying only that Barkley should focus more on the facts rather than blatant editorializing.
Moussaoui May Be Executed #~# A federal jury reached the verdict that Zacarias Moussaoui, the alleged 20th Sept. 11 hijacker, is eligible for the death penalty. What do you think?
Tom DeLay To Pursue Corruption In Private Sector #~# STAFFORD, TX—Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, who is facing several ethics violations and felony charges, announced Tuesday that he will resign from Congress in order to concentrate on corruption in the private sector. "I can say with a clear lack of conscience that, after 21 years of public disservice, I have done everything I could to the American people," DeLay said in a televised statement to constituents. "I have a lot to offer the corporate world, such as money laundering and influence-peddling." DeLay added that, before assuming his new irresponsibilities, he looks forward to spending more time alienating his family and cheating on his wife.
I'm So Stoked About M:I:3's Marketing Campaign #~# Few marketing campaign experiences have earned a place in my heart quite like the adrenaline-charged series of ads for the first Mission: Impossible film. So when I read on message boards last year that they were planning to promote a third Mission: Impossible movie, I was understandably fired up. At first, I didn't let myself believe all the rumors, as the possibility of an all-new sequel of bus posters seemed almost too good to be true. 
My Adopted Daughter Is The Most Beautiful Child In The Third World #~# After months of hoping, praying, and waiting, we learned this week that our adoption of three-year-old Xuan was finally approved, and we'll soon be flying to Vietnam to escort her back to suburban Connecticut.We can't wait to give Xuan a real home, in a real country.
Woman Finds Imperfect Mate At Outlet Mall #~# CLINTON, CT—Joan Cruzan, a 39-year-old graphic designer and frequent factory outlet shopper, discovered her imperfect mate at the Clinton Crossing outlet mall Sunday. "You wouldnt call him a perfect fit. He seems a bit faded, one arm is longer than the other, and he's little too large in the waist. But if you don't look too close, he's fine," Cruzan said. "Main thing is, he's comfortable, and perfect for just knocking around the house." Cruzan added that since her new mate cost her very little emotionally, she will have no problem leaving him on the curb if he unravels.
Goddamn Findings Fail To Support Researcher's Hypothesis #~# LANCASTER, CA—Test data on superconductivity in aligned-crystal bismuth-mercury ceramics failed to support physicist Charles Antonini's carefully-fucking-conceived hypothesis, he told the journal Nature yesterday. "It seems the goddamn math is correct, so I obviously must not have taken other motherfucking factors into account," said Antonini, who had dedicated the past nine years of his life to "solving the cunt of an obstacle to  miniature supercomputers." An unexpurgated account of Antonini's studies in cryomatrix crystallography will be published in the journal Cock-Sucking Science.
Earth Passed Over For Invasion #~# BETA QUADRANT, ZGYXA—Nearly 200,000 hostile aliens from the planet Zgyxa skipped invading Earth Monday, saying it "does not seem worth the effort."  "A planet scan indicates that its resources will be tapped by 2015, its most intelligent life form cannot fly, and it possesses no significant deposits of Tangium," said Supreme Commander Kasha Ak-Bej, the nine-foot serpentine leader of the invasion. "Not to mention that their fleshy exoskeleton would make earthlings unfit slaves for mining Zgyxa's molten core." Representatives from the Council of Earth expressed their disappointment.
Area Woman Always Has Something Quirky To Do #~# PHILADELPHIA—When not reviving Victorian hair jewelry or double-dutch jump-roping with friends in a local park, Gemma Waite, 29, is up to something similarly quirky, sources report. "I haven't seen Gemma since Christmas, when she did the living advent calendar thing in that old building downtown, but I'm sure she's planning something just as unexpected right now," said friend Simon Chan, who helped Waite fish a Michelin Man statue out of a canal several summers ago. Waite declined to be interviewed, saying she was busy organizing a spelling bee.
Critics Blast Bush For Not Praying Hard Enough #~# WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush, already facing the lowest approval ratings in history, is coming under fire from former supporters over what they call his "ineffectual and incompetent" use of prayer for national guidance and assistance.
Entire Train Ride Spent Deciding If, When To Use Bathroom #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Commuter Michael Broberg boarded Metro-North Railroad's 8:37 p.m. train on Monday with one objective: to find a vacant bathroom in one of the train's seven cars and relieve himself in it. Unforeseen obstacles, however, forced him to continually revise and reevaluate this plan over the course of the nearly two-hour commute.
Detroit Sold For Scrap #~# DETROIT—Detroit, a former industrial metropolis in southeastern Michigan with a population of just under 1 million, was sold at auction Tuesday to bulk scrap dealers and smelting foundries across the United States.
Girls Gone Wild Released Back Into Civilization #~# SOUTH PADRE ISLAND, TX—In what wildlifestyle reformation volunteers are calling a "positive step," the first group of rehabilitated Girls Gone Wild were released back into the civilized world Monday, and early signs indicate that they are adjusting smoothly, according to the director of the group responsible for their rescue.
Tom DeLay Resigns #~# Amidst mounting accusations and criminal charges of ethics violations, former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay announced yesterday that he is resigning from his post. What do you think?
Naomi Campbell Assaults Maid #~# Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested for throwing a phone at a housekeeper, making this her third assault accusation to date. What do you think?
Abramoff Gets 70 Months #~# Corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff was sentenced to 70 months in prison for his role in defrauding Indian tribes, tax evasion, and conspiracy to bribe public officials. What do you think?
Who's A Girl Gotta Fuck To Get Some Closure On Her Relationship With Her Father? #~# Well, if that doesn't take the cake. Here I am, giving it my all, but it seems like no matter what I do, I can't sleep my way out  of this crazy mess. You fuck, and fuck, and fuck some more, and it still seems like nothing ever turns around. With my luck, I could probably blow every guy in town and still not achieve closure on my relationship with my father.
Today's Funeral-Goers Want To Be Entertained #~# My aunt passed away last weekend, and I flew out from L.A. for the funeral. Short, unexpected illness, very sad, cousins totally devastated—the whole shebang. But at the reception, I had to take my cousin Eric aside. "Eric," I said, "you should've called me. The biggest clients in the biz come to me all the time, but I wouldn't have thought twice about a little pro bono for a family member in need." Sad truth was, the funeral was a complete bomb. Not that it was Eric's fault—the whole funeral industry could use a serious overhaul. 
Workplace Shooting Planned On Company Time #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Last week's mass shooting at Consolidated Services, in which employee Lynn Saint-Sebastian killed seven coworkers and injured 23 before taking her own life, was planned while Saint-Sebastian was still on the clock, according to company sources. "When Lynn turned her anger on us, we saw callous disregard for human life," regional manager Lawrence Guzman said. "But when we found elaborate plans for her armed rampage in her cubicle, we saw her callous disregard for company policy." Consolidated's human-resources staff is working closely with the FBI to determine exactly how many man-hours were lost in the incident.
Secret Service Agent Not So Secret About Being David Alan Grier Fan #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Although Secret Service Special Agent Michael Schilling is adept at assuming a low profile while protecting the president, he can't help betraying his admiration for his idol, comedian and former Blankman star David Alan Grier, sources said Tuesday. "While on counter-sniper duty, sometimes Michael will get on the headset and talk about what hilarious thing Grier did in a similar situation on DAG," said fellow agent John Matthews, referring to the short-lived 2000 sitcom in which Grier played a Secret Service agent. "We can't even file a simple report without him relating everything to an In Living Color sketch." Schilling is currently facing disciplinary suspension after he followed Dick Cheney to the podium before a recent speech to insist that the vice president borrow one of his DVDs of DAG's first season.
Critics Blast Al Gore's Documentary As 'Realistic' #~# NEW YORK— The Al Gore-produced global-warming documentary An Inconvenient Truth is being panned by critics nationwide who claim the 90-plus minute environmental film is "too disturbingly realistic and well-researched to enjoy." "I found it difficult to suspend my disbelief in man-made climate change for the first half-hour—and utterly impossible after that—which makes for a movie-going experience that's far more educational than it is enjoyable," said New York Post film critic Skip Hack. "Gore's film overwhelms viewers with staggering amounts of scientific information until nothing about global warming is left to the imagination, and that's just not good entertainment. Two stars." Some critics have called the film's claims that sea levels could rise 20 feet somewhat sensationalistic, although most agree that this is not enough to save the film from being unwatchably factual.
New Triple-X Dinosaur Park Opens In Nevada #~# ELKO, NV—Crowds braved 95-degree heat and throngs of protestors to attend the opening of the Greater Nevada XXX Dinosaur Park Monday, a new adults-only attraction that bills itself as "The Place Where The Extinct Sink The Pink." "You've seen their bones—now see them boning! Triceratops and Bottoms!" according to a television ad for the park currently running after 10 p.m. throughout Nevada and Southern California. Proprietors, who have dubbed the park "Salacious In The Cretaceous," say that visitors "will never think of dinosaurs as cold-blooded again." Paleontologists are calling the park sensationalist and exploitative, but add that anything that gets people interested in science can't be all bad.
Bush Seals Seized Records #~# President Bush recently ordered records seized by the FBI from Rep. William Jefferson's office sealed from investigators for 45 days. What do you think?
Israeli PM: 'One More Suicide Bombing And I'll Give Them Whatever They Want' #~# JERUSALEM—Following a weekend bus bombing in Tel Aviv that left six dead and dozens more critically injured, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert on Monday issued an ultimatum to Palestinian extremists: "Either put an end to your deadly, mindless attacks, or we will have no choice but to dissolve the state of Israel as we know it."
Recently Unearthed E-Mail Reveals What Life Was Like In 1995 #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—A 1995 e-mail extracted from the hard drive of a recently unearthed Compaq desktop PC offers a tantalizing glimpse into the day-to-day life of a primitive Internet society, said the archaeologists responsible for its discovery.
School Monitors Student Blogs #~# A school district in Illinois is going to monitor students’ blogs and MySpace profiles for "illegal and inappropriate behavior." What do you think?
Series Finale Of Will & Grace Ends Eight-Year Truce Between Gay, Straight Communities #~# LOS ANGELES—Widespread violence and riots have broken out across the U.S. since the May 18 airing of the last episode of Will & Grace, the NBC sitcom hailed as the lone common bond between American gays and straights. Relations between the two sides have returned to the hostility that marked the tumultuous period before the show ushered in a tenuous truce eight years ago.
U.S. Proposes European Missile Defense System #~# The United States is proposing developing a missile defense shield for Europe to protect it against a potential threat from Iran. What do you think?
Columbia House Launches Subscription Meds Program #~# TERRE HAUTE, IN—Music and DVD mail-order giant Columbia House is offering a new direct-mail subscription drug program for the estimated 10 million senior citizens who have not yet signed up for the government’s Medicare prescription medication plan.
.xxx Rejected #~# ICANN, the U.S.-based corporation that assigns Internet domain names, rejected the designation ".xxx" earlier this month under pressure from conservative American lawmakers. What do you think?
May 26, 1996 #~# Oprah Secedes from U.S., Forms Independent Nation Of Cheesecake-Eating Housewives
Ricky Williams: 'I'm Looking Forward To Being A Toronto Hydroponic' #~# MIAMI—Ricky Williams announced Monday that, instead of sitting out a year while serving his NFL substance-abuse suspension, he would "absolutely, totally, really, really, totally love to play with the Torontono [sic] Hydroponics" in the Canadian Football League in 2006. "It would be a great way for me to play some football, keep in shape, and show people I'm ready to play some football by getting some playing time in," Williams said in the 26-minute message he recorded during a 4 a.m. call to a Miami-area television station. "And that's not even—seriously, brah, you know that's not even getting into the football I could play there. For the fine people. People of Torino." If Williams' transfer to the CFL is approved, his one-year contract is expected to be worth U.S. $300,000 in cash and sandwiches.
MLB To Place Asterisk, Pound Sign, Exclamation Point, Letter 'F' Next To Bonds' Name In Record Books #~# SAN FRANCISCO— Commissioner Bud Selig announced Wednesday that, once the Giants slugger retires, his name in the official MLB record books will be forever accompanied by an asterisk, followed by a pound sign and exclamation point, all preceded by the letter 'F'—a string of characters that, according to Selig, "will always be associated with Barry Bonds."
MLB Fines Russ Springer Negative $50,000 For Throwing At Bonds #~# HOUSTON—Astros relief pitcher Russ Springer has been awarded $50,000, the largest negative fine in baseball history, for intentionally throwing at Barry Bonds last Tuesday, the Astros reported. "After reviewing the tapes, there is no question in my mind that Springer purposefully attempted to strike Bonds, and therefore we have no choice but to give him the stiffest negative financial penalty possible," MLB vice president of on-field discipline Bob Watson said Wednesday. "Rest assured that we intend to deal with similar assaults on Bonds in at least this aggressive a fashion." Springer has said that he does not intend to contest either his fine or the mandatory five-day Tahitian resort suspension he has been scheduled to serve this offseason.
Doctors: Still 50-50 Chance That Broken Bone Will Mean Euthanasia For Matsui #~# NEW YORK—Surgeons for the New York Yankees say that although Hideki Matsui seems to be healing satisfactorily two weeks after undergoing surgery to repair the broken left wrist he suffered May 11 against the Red Sox, there is still an outside chance that the outfielder will have to be put down. "You obviously don't want to think in those terms, since besides being a valuable property, he's been a real competitor," said Dr. Stuart Rosenwasser, the Yankees team physician, who performed the surgery and has been observing Matsui's recovery in a special padded stall. "It's no exaggeration to say Hideki's been a real horse for this team." If worst does come to worst, owner George Steinbrenner has said that Matsui would be put to rest along the third-base line along with euthanized Yankee greats Joe DiMaggio (bone spur) and Lou Gehrig (broken leg).
Columbine Video Game Stirs Controversy #~# A controversial web videogame, Super Columbine Massacre RPG, allows players to act as the shooters in the Columbine High School slayings of 1999. What do you think?
Tim Duncan Fires Up Teammates With Calm, Moderated, Three-Hour Pep Talk #~# SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan quieted a raucous San Antonio locker room three hours before their Game 7 matchup against the Dallas Mavericks Monday night in an attempt to carefully and calmly explain what he expected from each one of his teammates. "The structure of the talk was solid, the content was well-informed, and he didn't raise his voice once to make a point," said San Antonio guard Tony Parker, with whom Duncan also talked in Parker's native French to make sure they were clear on every detail. "When he decided to let each one of us say something positive, he made sure that, in order to prevent one person from talking over another, only the San Antonio Spur holding the basketball was allowed to speak." At the conclusion of the game, a 119-111 Spurs loss, Duncan gathered his team again and gave comprehensive notes on where they went wrong and where they could improve for next year.
There's No One I Haven't Seen Naked #~# Everybody these days lays claim to having seen most celebrities naked. In fact, it's fair to say that more people have seen more other people naked now than at any other point in human history. 
Hillary Clinton Is Too Ambitious To Be The First Female President #~# I think it's about time we had a female president of the United States. I don't care what anyone says: Women can be just as smart and qualified as men—especially the clowns we've had in Washington lately. But Hillary Clinton? She's just a little too ambitious to do what no woman before her has ever done.
Many Native Americans Still Hold Traditional Beliefs About White Man #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Despite more than four centuries of the erosion of their native society, a large majority of First Nations peoples still maintain their culture's traditional beliefs about Caucasians, which were handed down by previous generations, according to a study released by the U.S. Bureau of Indian Affairs Monday. "Our research revealed that most Native Americans view 'the white man' as a deceitful, avaricious, exploitive mass murderer, just as their ancestors did," BIA Interim Assistant Secretary James Cason said. "It remains unclear why, in an age when so much of their culture has been lost to time, this tradition remains as strong as ever."  In light of the findings, the BIA announced a new program to preserve traditional beliefs through educational material in reservation-school textbooks and poster campaigns in liquor stores.
Savion Glover Taps His Way Out Of Another Speeding Ticket #~# WEEHAWKEN, NJ—Tony-Award-winning tap dancer Savion Glover was let off with his ninth warning in nine traffic stops after his "amazing flashing feet and sinuous steel-shoe syncopation" duly impressed the New Jersey state-trooper who pulled him over Sunday. "When I asked Mr. Glover for identification, he really showed me who he was—with tap!" said Officer Mark Galanas, who alleged that Glover was not impaired when he drove his BMW at 93 miles per hour in a posted 65 zone. "He promised to step lightly on the gas from now on, so I tore up his ticket. I can't write up a pure entertainer who can hoof it like that." Glover will, however, be charged for damage to state property, incurred when he tap-danced across the hood, roof, light-bar, and trunk of Galanas' police cruiser.
Bush Puts National Guard In Charge Of Public Relations #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Characterizing the move as a "dramatic new change in the way this administration relates to the public," President Bush ordered the immediate deployment of 6,000 National Guard troops to White House media and public-relations posts throughout the country. "My fellow Americans, we are at war. I have mobilized our brave troops to a position where they can advance my policy objectives to the press and the American people directly," Bush said during a brief press conference, supervised by the newly created Virginia 82nd Airborne Community Outreach Multimedia Battalion. Critics say Bush is putting additional strain on Guard members already stretched thin from their service as replacement legislators in the House and Senate.
Pregnant Woman Glows With Rage #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Developments common to the seventh month of pregnancy have caused mother-to-be Anita Cernicke to glow with the inner light of pure fury, those close to the Cernickes report. "Jesus Christ, my fucking back," Cernicke, incandescent with the wrath of impending motherhood, said repeatedly to her husband during a recent trip to the grocery store. "Ask the manager if I can use the restroom. I'm peeing every 15 minutes, I swear. How long until I can have a god-damned drink?" Family sources said they see no reason why Cernicke's positively livid radiance can't sustain itself to the baby's due date and beyond. 
Passengers Bravely Take Down Plane Showing Big Momma's House 2 #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Federal Aviation Administration announced today that United Airlines Flight 43, which crashed outside Parkersburg, WV last Thursday, was in fact brought down by passengers who voluntarily sacrificed their lives in order to prevent the screening of the in-flight movie selection, Big Momma's House 2.
Beloved's Controversial Award #~# Some members of America's literary community are up in arms, claiming Toni Morrison's Beloved was named the best American novel of the past 25 years out of political correctness. What do you think?
Chinese Employers To Grant 15-Minute Maternity Break #~# DONGGUAN, CHINA—In response to international criticism of Chinese workplace inequity and labor rights, China's National Labor Committee agreed Monday to establish an unpaid 15-minute break during the regular 18-hour workday, to allow pregnant women to "expel the child from their body, adjust to being a new parent, wash their hands, and return to work."
Italian Troops Out Of Iraq #~# Newly elected Italian Prime Minister Romano Prodi said that the invasion of Iraq was a "grave error" and will propose withdrawing Italian troops. What do you think?
NSA Spying On Journalists #~# According to ABC, a confidential source says the NSA has been tapping journalists' phones to root out confidential sources. What do you think?
Insecure Brian Williams Only One Who Doesn't Trust Brian Williams For Latest News #~# NEW YORK—Although he is the most watched and widely recognized newscaster on American network television, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams continues to be plagued with crippling self-doubt, admitting Monday that he would look to "just about anyone else" for in-depth analysis of the latest national and international news before himself. 
Da Vinci Code Released #~# The release of The Da Vinci Code, the long-awaited film adaptation of the bestselling novel, is being met with controversy. What do you think?
Don Knotts, Richard Pryor Team Up For Madcap Haunting #~# ESCONDIDO, CA—The ghosts of comedy legends Don Knotts and Richard Pryor were embroiled in a madcap misadventure Monday, which involved crooks, a missing diamond, and an old fixer-upper mansion haunted by the late actors.
Libya To Help U.S.Spread Democracy #~# Libya says it will work with the United States to spread democracy.  What do you think?
Overacting Manu Ginobili Takes Charge, Plays Dead #~# SAN ANTONIO—Manu Ginobili oversold his attempt to get Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki called for a charging foul in the third quarter of Game 5 Wednesday, according to teammates, opposing players, and frustrated emergency medical personnel who grudgingly carried off the Spurs shooting guard in a stretcher despite the fact that he was clearly still breathing. "We kept shaking his shoulder and telling him, 'Manu, wake up, we got the ball back,' but he just kept lying there for a good five minutes," said teammate Tony Parker, adding that Ginobili was unresponsive to loud shouts in his ear and showed no signs of movement except a slight smirk after Tim Duncan pried his right eyelid open. "I guess maybe he thought that if the ref saw that he was really still alive, he might reverse the call. It's too bad he had to miss the rest of the game when he was taken to the hospital." NBA analysts say are calling this incident the most extreme case of flopping since 1992, when Vlade Divac, who was hiding a razor in his wristband, surreptitiously sliced his supraorbital vein and bled to death after drawing minor contact with the Clippers' Danny Manning.
Mad Sabermetrician Creates The Perfect Baseball Player's Statistics #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Sequestered in his parents' basement for the past 18 months, mad sabermetrician Gary Neeman emerged Wednesday after achieving the perfect combination of objective knowledge and functional predictors of future performance, successfully assembling the ideal baseball player's 2006 season statistics. "The VORP of Ty Cobb, the win shares of Barry Bonds, the equivalent average of Ted Williams—I have created the mathematical representation of the ultimate run-producing machine!" said Neeman, holding the sacred Bill James Historical Baseball Abstract above his head and invoking the isolated power of Babe Ruth. "I will soon share this creation with the entire baseball world, as long as I can find an overhead projector in time for the annual SABR Convention in Seattle this June!" Neeman's earlier attempts to produce the perfect player's statistics failed, as each of his first eight results was identical to Albert Pujols' 2005 batting line.
Frank Thomas Draws Greatest Walk In Baseball History #~# OAKLAND—An exhausted Frank Thomas trotted to first base Wednesday night after a historic 257-pitch at-bat that included three balls, 251 consecutive dropped foul tips, and eight relief pitchers during a fifth-inning walk in a 7-2 victory over the Seattle Mariners.. "He walked him! He walked him! I can easily believe what I just saw for the past two and a half hours!" said Oakland's play-by play man Ken Korach, whose now-famous "walk call" will likely never be recited by avid baseball fans everywhere. "The fans were on their feet for every pitch until number 147, at which point they grew tired and left the ballpark. My, oh my, if there's any justice in the world, I'll never live to see a walk like that again." Thomas checked his swing at the final pitch of the at-bat, and the call was deferred to first-base umpire Andy Fletcher, who at that point clearly wasn't paying attention.
American Soccer Fans Prepare For World Cup By Pushing Each Other Through Chain-Link Fences #~# CHICAGO—Nineteen soccer fans have been killed and 73 injured in a series of practice soccer riots conducted to prepare for the June 9 opening of the World Cup, in which Chicago-area fans took turns crushing each other against chain-link fences in local parks, soccer fields, and vacant lots. "Too many Americans think of 'European football' as an endless series of passes, an arbitrary and unfathomable penalty system, and little if any scoring," said 28-year-old hooligan-in-training Alec Murrow.  "While those are important traditions, there's much more to the way the rest of the world celebrates the Beautiful Game, such as rushing the field if your team is losing, grunting like apes when a black player has the ball, and beating supporters of other clubs half to death in the streets." The rioters, all of whom follow European soccer teams such as Millwall, AC Milan, and Juventus, claimed that casualties would have been higher if not for the difficulty of maiming people without using one's hands.
Report: President Isiah Thomas Has No Exit Strategy For Knicks #~# NEW YORK—According to several sources in the coaching and management levels of the New York Knicks basketball team, Knicks President Isiah Thomas has "no coherent plan or strategy of any kind" to remove the Knicks from the long series of defeats they have suffered since Thomas began his tenure in late 2003.
Heroic Computer Dies To Save World From Master's Thesis #~# WALTHAM, MA—A courageous young notebook computer committed a fatal, self-inflicted execution error late Sunday night, selflessly giving its own life so that professors, academic advisors, classmates, and even future generations of college students would never have to read Jill Samoskevich's 227-page master's thesis, sources close to the Brandeis University English graduate student reported Monday.
Estate Sale Proves Everything Man Worked For In Life Worth $5,235.78 #~# MORGANTOWN, WV—The sum total of recently deceased Morgantown native Henry Keller's eight decades of hard work, honesty, frugality, and sacrifice sold for $5,235.78 at an estate sale this weekend, family members reported.
Ailing Americans Eagerly Await Summer Organ Harvest #~# KANSAS CITY, KS—With spring in full swing and millions of potential organ donors entering the peak season for boating, hiking, and drowning accidents, the nation's transplanters are predicting a bumper crop in the upcoming harvest,  which is welcome news to ailing patients in dire need of organs across America's liver-, lung-, and heartlands.
Oil Executives March On D.C. #~# WASHINGTON, DC—More than 1,000 majority shareholders and executive officers from the nation’s largest oil companies gathered in the National Mall and marched to Capitol Hill Monday in a mass demonstration for petrochemical corporations’ rights and, according to several of those who attended, “to let our voices be heard at last.”
Troops To Darfur #~# The United Nations is being called on to send peacekeeping forces to keep peace and prevent the genocide in Darfur. What do you think?
CIA Nominee Violated Privacy #~# Michael Hayden, Bush's nominee to head the CIA, has recently been implicated in the NSA's controversial collection of private phone records. What do you think?
Do Waiters Always Have To Swear So Much? #~# Is it me, or has the restaurant industry really started to slide in professionalism? I go out to a classy place, order a nice little steak, give the waitress a couple of slaps on the ass to get her moving, and all of a sudden I'm an f–ing a–hole and a motherf–ing jerk who should go to hell. Is this what I'm paying good money for? 
After 25 Years, I Finally Figured Out How To Impress High-School Girls #~# We all know how intimidating it can be to talk to high-school girls. I used to be too afraid and self-conscious to even make eye contact for more than a couple of seconds with the pretty ones. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't figure out how to impress them. But now, all that has changed. I can look at any high-school girl for as long as I want without getting nervous. I can have great conversations with them about all kinds of subjects. In fact, I feel totally comfortable around them—because after a quarter-century of racking my brain and studying them closely, I finally know exactly how high-school girls like to be treated. 
Novelist Thinks People Shrug 10 Times More Than They Actually Do #~# BOSTON—According to his handful of readers, budding novelist Mosley Forstner, 23, thinks that people shrug with much greater frequency than they actually do. "Every time a character responds to something in Mosley's book, it's "'Suppose that's the way of things,' she shrugged" or "'Fine, then I'm leaving,' he shrugged,"" said Rodney Klein, a fellow student and peer reviewer of Forstner's. "Can't his characters just 'say' something once in a while?" When informed of the criticism, Forstner responded with a grunt and a curt, dismissive motion of his shoulders intended to convey nonchalance.
Coworker Most Valuable To Office When He Fails To Show Up #~# NEWARK, NJ—According to colleagues of Steven Murphy, the veteran designer best contributes to the creativity, efficiency, and morale of his employer, Design-X, when he is absent. "We have our best days around here when Steven's out of the office—people collaborate without constant interruption, work flow isn't derailed so he can make his useless notations all over everything, and you can freely critique design work without worrying that someone's going to take it as a personal attack," said a coworker of Murphy's who requested anonymity. "Best of all, people go home without a splitting headache induced by a single subject: Steven Murphy, The Brilliant, Talented, And Criminally Underappreciated Designer." Coworkers declined to comment further after Murphy entered the room.
Local Man's Fear Of Snakes Increases With Each Snakebite #~# PONCA CITY, OK—Highway engineer Dan Guischard, 29, has an irrational phobia of snakebites that only worsens with each successive snakebite, sources close to him said Monday. "He was pretty bad already before that rattler got him while he was surveying the Highway 44 on-ramp, and he became practically intolerable after he was bitten by a cottonmouth on that camping trip," said friend John Lancie, who recalled that Guischard once missed three weeks of high school because of a snakebite. "It's so bad now that, last week, when he was changing a flat and saw a snake, he totally lost it. Which is probably why the snake bit him." Guischard, packing for a two-week family vacation to the Arizona desert, was unavailable for comment.
Boy's Whale-Song Imitation Not Helping Anything #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Whale songs voiced in a local diner by 8-year-old Sasha Tyler Holgerton Monday did not in any way, shape, or form help anything, according to the adults ostensibly supervising the boy. "Sasha's chicken tenders took a little while to arrive, and while I'm very proud of my son for knowing his whale songs, I had to tell him that making those noises over and over wasn't really a good idea," part-time mother Barbara Stein-Holgerton said, explaining her difficulty in calmly explaining to Sasha that he should not mimic animals, throw ice, or stand on his seat in restaurants. "Sasha is very bright, so sometimes he forgets to use inside voices, or respect people's quiet time."  Whether the boy believed his repeated whale songs would facilitate better service could not be confirmed by press time.
U.S. Infant-Mortality High #~# In a survey of 33 industrialized nations, the United States was shown to have the second-worst infant-mortality rate. What do you think?
Drug Tested On Children #~# A recently uncovered study revealed that pharmaceutical giant Pfizer tested an unapproved meningitis drug on children in Nigeria without their knowledge. What do you think?
Steve Nash Calls Second Consecutive MVP Award 'Some Kind Of Sick Joke' #~# PHOENIX—Upon receiving his second straight MVP award on Monday, Phoenix Suns point guard Steve Nash accused the NBA of "being out to make a fool of [him]." "Listen, it was kind of funny the first time. I mean, I can take a joke. My family was quite embarrassed, but that's beside the point," Nash told those gathered at the ceremony. "But this is just getting ridiculous. Look, I get it—I'm short, white, and Canadian. Ha ha, real fuckin' funny. You sick bastards. Did Amare Stoudemire put you up to this?" When asked about the chances of him winning a third MVP award in as many years, Nash emitted a terse laugh while glaring at the reporters and drumming his fingers on the podium.
Jim Leyland Accused Of Jumping On Tigers Bandwagon #~# DETROIT—Friends and associates of the American League manager say that, even though Jim Leyland had never rooted for the Detroit Tigers prior to this season, he "suddenly began following the team" once they started winning in early April. "In all the years I've known Jim, I don't think I have once heard him mention anything about the Tigers, but now that they're good again, he's walking around in a Tigers cap every day," said Roger Lussier, a longtime friend who noted that Leyland is not from Detroit and didn't even know who Mike Maroth was before he started the year 4-1. "Now he tells me he 'truly believes' Jeremy Bonderman is one of the best pitchers in baseball. He's such a fair-weather guy—I specifically remember him being a huge Florida Marlins fan back when they won the World Series in '97." Lussier predicted that, should the 20-13 Tigers return to form and begin to slide toward the bottom of the division, Leyland would quickly lose interest in the team.
Spurs Issue Press Release Announcing Their Elimination of Kings #~# SAN ANTONIO—In a move typical of the style that has made them famous league-wide, the San Antonio Spurs issued a brief press release Tuesday concerning their elimination of the Sacramento Kings from the playoffs in six games. "The San Antonio Spurs have advanced past Sacramento to the second round of the playoffs," the 100-word announcement read in part, failing to mention the 22-point margin of victory in Game 6, Tony Parker's career-high 31 points, the fact that any basketball had been played, the Sacramento team's "Kings" nickname, or anything whatsoever that could be seen as emotionally engaging. "The Spurs organization wishes its members well in all future endeavors." While the press release has been received fairly well among most basketball insiders, some are saying the Spurs should have reminded people that this will be their sixth straight year in the semifinals, as many tend to forget about San Antonio's recent success for whatever reason.
Bruins Sign Future Flyers All-Star To Three-Year Deal #~# BOSTON—The Bruins agreed to terms Monday with 2005 second-round draft pick Petr Kalus, signing him to a three-year contract that NHL insiders predict will be just long enough for Kalus to evolve into an All-Star-caliber player before his inevitable trade to the perennial playoff contender Philadelphia Flyers. The Czech Republic native will follow former Bruin greats Sergei Samsonov and Joe Thornton in continuing the tradition of Boston players who were traded immediately before their breakout season. "We look forward to obstructing Petr's development during his three frustrating years in Boston, although we certainly dread watching his much better career after he blossoms into the Flyers' top point scorer," Bruins interim GM Jeff Gorton said. "I wouldn't be surprised to see him score 30 goals in a season, many of them against us." Over his three years in Boston, Kalus is expected to endure a brief stint in the minors, be called up by the cellar-dwelling Bruins, battle a series of avoidable minor injuries, get traded for two draft picks and a player to be named later to Philadelphia, and begin his run at being named MVP in 2009, 2010, and 2013.
Roger Clemens' Family Offers Him One-Year, $10 Million Contract #~# HOUSTON—Representatives from the Clemens family met with the star pitcher over an informal dinner Tuesday evening to discuss the possibility of keeping Roger Clemens home for one more season, sources close to the family reported.
Iran's President Offers Advice #~# Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent President Bush an 18-page letter of suggestions for resolving current international issues. What do you think? 
347 Locals Identify Slain Prostitute #~# VERONA, WI—The body of a woman found strangled behind Zurbachen's Truck Stop last week was positively identified as convicted prostitute Sandy Huffman by 347 area residents, police reported Monday. "Ms. Huffman's identity was exhaustively confirmed based on height, eye color, birthmarks, scars, hair color, tattoos, jewelry, and, in three instances, dental work," said a spokesman for the Verona Police Department. No arrests have been made in the case, but police have detained dozens of area shop owners, teachers, realtors, bankers, farmers, church leaders, youth coaches, Boy Scouts, and homemakers for questioning.
Sherpa Can Already Tell You're Not Going To Make It #~# ANNAPURNA BASE CAMP, NEPAL— Lobsang Dorjee, the Nepalese Sherpa you hired for $45 a day to help you climb one of the 10 most dangerous mountains in the world, concluded in his journal Tuesday that you will die during the ascent. "A man of advertising cannot prepare for a low-oxygen ascent by jogging in Aspen, as I have said many times before," wrote Dorjee, whose advice on routes, provisions, and the use of double-belayed expansion bolts were dismissed out of hand before you started out. "However, I have never seen a wristwatch like his, and am looking forward to exchanging it for a year's worth of food and heating oil." Dorjee came highly recommended by the other dilettante climbers of your acquaintance, who noted that he usually brought his client's bodies back more or less intact.
Congressman Fucks Own Wife Out Of Political Necessity #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking reelection in 2008, Rep. Lloyd Doggett (D-TX) will limit himself to sexual activity with his wife, Libby. "I love my wife and would never do anything that would weaken our sacred bond of marriage, or reduce my constituents' faith in me," said Doggett, who faces fierce competition in the next election due to recent redistricting. "Libby's been right at my side, and instrumental in my political career, through all our years of marriage." Seeing no possible negative ramifications, Doggett allows himself to jerk off while thinking about Naomi Watts.
High-Culture Wars Heat Up Over Controversial New Opera #~# NEW YORK—Proponents of family-themed high art fired another salvo in the high-culture wars Monday, saying the new opera Darwin: Origin, Selection, Preservation, Struggle contains provocative lyrics, secular acts, and entire anti-Christian movements. "To think that this relativist filth could be live at Lincoln Center for young children to see," said Rev. L. Duncan Hoskins III, an Upper-East-Side Baptist minister and director of the Center For A Better Class Of Family. "We cannot allow this creeping decay that began with the decadence of La Boheme and spiraled into the subversion that is An American Tragedy to further rot our high society." Hoskins added that there were many wholesome opera alternatives for traditional men and women of culture, including the Mississippi Opera's marathon 22-hour adaptation of the Left Behind series.
I Can't Believe I'm Dying In Such A Clichéd Manner #~# God. I'm so embarrassed, if I weren't already dying, I could just die.
I'm Doing My Inconsequential Part For The Environment #~# As human beings continue to wreak havoc on the ecosystem, with seemingly no awareness of the long-term effects of our shortsighted actions, we seriously jeopardize the fragile balance of life on this big blue marble we call Spaceship Earth. Now is the time to take steps toward creating a cleaner environment, however insignificant and useless those steps may be. That's why I'm doing my own laughably inconsequential part to end pollution, limit damage to our precious ecosystem, and preserve what remains of our planet's biodiversity for future generations.
Mr. Special Foreign Man Won't Read Anything Not Written In His Own Language #~# CHICAGO—Greek-born resident Anatole Pialoglou was again engrossed in Greek-language reading material, this time a newspaper, throughout his morning commute Monday, incredulous passengers on Chicago’s Blue Line reported.
Hormel Makes Compelling Case For Man's Last $2.39 #~# DOVER, NH—Shopper Dan Flemming, after considering a variety of other items including a Tombstone-brand Supreme Taco pizza and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, is now close to spending his remaining money on a can of Hormel chili, sources reported Tuesday.
Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are #~# BATON ROUGE, LA—In a breakthrough study that contradicts decades of understanding about the nature of alligator–drunkard relations, Louisiana State University researchers have concluded that people’s drunkenness does not impair the ancient reptiles’ ability to inflict enormous physical harm.
New 'Anti-Abortion Pill' Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive #~# NEW YORK—Pro-life advocates celebrated approval of the new anti-abortion drug UR-86 by the Food and Drug Administration Tuesday, calling it a "safe and effective method" for terminating pregnant women while leaving their unborn children unharmed.
Kennedy Re-Enters Rehab #~# After a 3:00 AM car accident in downtown Washington, DC, representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) returned to a rehab clinic in Minnesota for treatment. What do you think?
British: UFOs Aren't Real #~# A recently declassified British Ministry of Defence report says that UFOs can be explained as natural, though bizarre, phenomena. What do you think?
Al-Jazeera In English? #~# Al-Jazeera, the Arab news station, is preparing to launch an international English-language version of their channel. What do you think?
FDA Still Against Medical Pot #~# Despite mounting evidence to support it, the FDA has reaffirmed its stance against the use of medical marijuana. What do you think?
Billy Crystal Finds Way To Talk About Loving Mickey Mantle At Charity Golf Event #~# MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Actor and avid New York Yankees fan Billy Crystal found a way to talk about how much he loves Mickey Mantle at a charity golf event for Parkinson's disease, an ailment that had nothing to do with the slugger's eventual passing. "Seeing that little white ball disappear over the horizon reminds me of the way Mickey used to hit 'em—I mean Mickey Mantle, of course. And that reminds me of the time my father first took me to Yankee Stadium to watch Mickey play," Crystal said to the gallery, mimicking Mantle's swing with his putter, and forcing a 14-minute stoppage in play. "So we get to Yankee Stadium, and it's the greenest thing I have ever seen—greener than all the grass at this golf course. And there in the batter's box is the great Mickey Mantle—young, athletic, handsome, everything that I wanted to be. Anyway, I look at my father, my father looks at me, and the Mick hits one out." Crystal then gathered himself and sank his three-foot putt, but was delayed on the following hole because, in the group ahead of him, Bob Costas was reportedly in the middle of telling the same anecdote.
Johnny Damon Probably Thinking About Starting A Band #~# NEW YORK—According to sources close to the eccentric Yankee centerfielder, Johnny Damon is in all likelihood considering getting together with a few of his teammates and forming a band. "He's probably already making flyers to hang in the clubhouse in search of someone who can play drums or 'a mean bass,' and he's almost certainly thinking about approaching [classically trained guitarist] Bernie Williams to ask if he'd like to jam sometime," said former Red Sox teammate Jason Varitek, who recalled Damon's attempt last summer to organize a team-wide Texas Hold 'Em tournament. "If I know Johnny, he's currently brainstorming band names, which he's likely narrowed down to The Yankee Clippers, Hit & Run, O.P.S., and Johnny D. And The Pinstripers." The suspicion voiced by Varitek and countless others regarding Damon's interest in starting a band was basically confirmed Monday, when Damon suggested that the Yankees trade for Reds pitcher and recording artist Bronson Arroyo.
Conditions Ideal For Eating Competition #~# PANAMA CITY BEACH, FL—Officials of the Spring Break Challenge Bar Food Speed Feed say that conditions in Panama City are "absolutely perfect" for their competitive-eating contest this Saturday. "We've got good warm weather, clear skies, no wind, and a nice 60 percent humidity, which is what you look for in an endurance event like this," BFSF organizer C. Roman Kozlowski said from the presidential ballroom of the Panama City Hotel and Casino. "And, most importantly, we've got a 60-foot table full of jalapeño poppers, barbequed ribs, Buffalo wings, mozzarella sticks, onion blossoms, mini-corn dogs, and chili-cheese fries. It's a great day for speed-eating." Kozlowski could not remember conditions being this favorable for professional gurgitation since overseeing the Huevos Rancheros Rodeo at this same location last weekend.
Wig-Wearing Mike Tyson Retires From Foxy-Boxing #~# ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Mike Tyson, his bikini straps slipping from his shoulders, his makeup running, and his long blonde wig in disarray following a fourth-round knockout delivered by Melonee "Boom-Boom-Chick" Gilchrist, announced Tuesday night that he is retiring from foxy-boxing with a career WFBA record of 1-6.
SC Sex Toy Ban Proposed #~# South Carolina is reviewing a bill that would ban the sale of sex toys, joining such states as Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Texas. What do you think?
Sportscaster Hates When People Discuss Sports With Him Off Set #~# BRISTOL, CT—SportsCenter anchor Scott Van Pelt announced Monday that, even though his job requires him to be knowledgeable and conversant on a variety of professional sports and sports-related issues, he would rather people not even broach the subject with him when he's not on the air. "I don't like to take my work home with me, or to the supermarket, or to the hardware store, or anywhere else where people are constantly approaching me to ask my opinion on their favorite team or some big story in the sports world," Van Pelt said. "My job is just like any other 9 to 5, 6 to 7:30, 11 to midnight, or 1 a.m. to 2 a.m. I don't ask plumbers about plumbing when I happen to run into them on the bus, especially when they're clearly trying to get some rest." Van Pelt's co-anchor Trey Wingo said he wouldn't mind discussing sports with people, but mostly because he just wants someone to talk to.
Sorry To Bother, But Might You Have An EpiPen I Can Use Immediately? #~# Excuse me. Hello? I hate to be a bother, but—oh, never mind. Actually—good day. Pardon my somewhat strident tone—I have no wish to appear rude, but as these dark spots form in my field of vision and I edge ever closer to absolute blindness, I am possibly guilty of bypassing, for expediency's sake, some of the normally observed rules of propriety—but should you happen have an EpiPen on your person, I could derive some much-needed benefit from it. Although, really, at this point, any epinephrine auto-injector will do. 
I Know Why The Mounted Fish Sings #~# Consider, gentles, the marvel which Fate and father-in-law have seen fit to provide us: wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, a 14-inch bass fish, large of the mouth, fixed and fitted to a rough-hewn board. Yet no fish of mere mortal flesh is this, but a largemouth bass whose heart (larger still!) is cunningly and fearfully in far-away Taiwan of solder and silicon made. A faux-finned freshwater Figaro is he, who though his earthly body remain firmly to its mount affixed, looses such soaring song to prod one's very soul to climb ever upwards. So why, at the merest whim of thee or me, is this die-cast dweller in the murky depths transformed into befinned baritone?
Hussein Court Shocked By Ironclad Alibi #~# BAGHDAD—Defense attorneys for Saddam Hussein claimed Monday the former dictator could not have signed a 1984 order to kill 148 Shiites because he was visiting friends in Missouri at the time. Iraqi Special Tribunal Judge Rauf Rashid Abd al-Rahman said the state "has no case" against Hussein after viewing security-camera footage of the 69-year-old buying cigarettes and candy at a St. Louis-area 7-Eleven. "The date is clearly visible in the lower-left corner, and he's purchasing what is known to be his favorite flavor of beef jerky." The prosecution was also stung last month by evidence that the 1988 gas attack on Kurdish civilians coincided with Hussein's two-week Jeopardy! appearance.
Bleary-Eyed Coworker Up All Night Generating More Work For You #~# BANGOR, ME—Office personnel coordinator Clem Chesterton, who was hired by your superiors last year to track work flow, project progress, and employee efficiency in your department, spent a sleepless Sunday night completing his assigned task of making sure you are working as much as humanly possible. "We're trying to make sure everyone does a pass-check on the spreadsheet package that comes across their desk in the aftrnons [sic]," Chesterton's 2:44 a.m. e-mail to you read in part. "Keep in mins [sic] that these measures are being put in place to help us get more work done, despite the new mandatory meetings on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, outlined below." Chesterton is currently considered the darling of upper management due to the bathroom-attendance-tracking chart he drafted at 4 a.m. Christmas Eve.
Life Coach Has Losing Record #~# BURLINGTON, VT—Life coach David Harmon, 48, has yet to lead anyone to a major victory and has tallied a mere 6–18–1 record in his two years in the position, sources report. "I just don't know if he has what it takes to go all the way," said a former charge of Harmon's who asked not to be named. "Look at the string of losers he coached. Jack Foley? Still an assistant manager at the Burger Basket. Janet Flansbury? Divorced again, which makes three times. Did David prepare these people to go out there and win? Hell, I'm not even sure he understood the rules." Harmon's reputation has been frequently called into question by those who claim that, if life coaching is even necessary, it should only be done by those who have played the game themselves.
Comic-Book Superrman Impervious To Copyediting #~# NEWARK—Executives at DCC Comics have announced the debut of comic-book character Superrman, whose invulnerability to copyediting protects him from nefarious outside forces and intellectual-property lawsuits. "Thrill to the exploits of Superrman, the only child of a doomed plant! Gasp in awe at his Superr-Strength, X-Roy Vision, and his ability to leap mall buildings in a single bounce!" read a press release issued by DCC. "Superrman's only weakness? His vulnerability to Cryptonight… and his star-crossed love for sassy, sexy, trouble-prone reporter Louis Lane!"  The editors of Superrman say the comic book will be released alongside those of other popular DCC characters such as Wander Woman, the Flush, and Batdan.
Roommate Deemed Too Incompetent To Clean Bathroom #~# IOWA CITY, IA—University Of Iowa pre-law major Peter Kaufman announced Sunday that his roommate of two weeks, Rob Carrero, would be informally barred from cleaning the bathroom of their two-bedroom off-campus apartment, citing Carrero's general ineptitude at other household maintenance and the probability that he would "leave it in worse shape than before he started."
Voyeur Concerned About Lack Of Sex In Neighbors' Marriage #~# EDWARDSVILLE, KS—Local Peeping Tom David Sutcliffe expressed concern Monday that next-door neighbors John and Kimberly Hobsbaum's love life may be in jeopardy.
NASA Announces Plan To Launch $700 Million Into Space #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Officials at the Kennedy Space Center announced Tuesday that they have set Aug. 6 as the date for launching $700 million from the Denarius IV spacecraft, the largest and most expensive mission to date in NASA's unmanned monetary-ejection program.
Illegal Immigrants Returning To Mexico For American Jobs #~# MEXICO CITY—As dozens of major American corporations continue to move their manufacturing operations to Mexico, waves of job-seeking Mexican immigrants to the United States have begun making the deadly journey back across the border in search of better-paying Mexican-based American jobs.
Midwest Mumps Epidemic #~# The number of mumps cases has grown to more than 1,100 across eight Midwestern states in the largest outbreak in nearly two decades. What do you think?
Diamond Dave Axed Again #~# David Lee Roth was fired from his spot as a replacement morning-radio personality for Howard Stern after less than three months. What do you think?
Bush's New Press Secretary #~# Fox News anchor Tony Snow was just named the new White House Press Secretary. What do you think?
Global Warming Irreversible #~# According to the journal Science, the human influence on the Earth's climate will be irreversible within the next 100 years. What do you think?
Perfect Response To Heckler Somewhere In Prop Comedian's Trunk #~# CRENSHAW, OR—Requesting that the audience "give me a second," prop comedian "Gallopin'" Hal Coffey rummaged through his oversized steamer trunk for the perfect response to the heckler who was repeatedly disrupting his Monday-night performance at the Laff Cannery. "Giant pink 'porkscrew,' no. Inflatable toast, no. 'Sweetsocks'—oops," Coffey said during his frantic search, all the while encumbered by the sizable stuffed pony fastened about his midsection. "What the hell? Oh, yeah, my 'moosetard.' That won't work. Damn it." Onlookers later expressed confusion at Coffey's eventual choice of retort, in which he brandished two cans of Spam attached by a Slinky, and said to the heckler, "This is you."
Marriage Teeming With Sexual Tension #~# TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Although both believe that a romantic affair would only complicate their daily interaction with each other, Troy and Tania Knudsen find it more and more challenging not to act on a powerful mutual sexual attraction, sources close to the married couple said Monday.
Experts: 'This Is The Year' #~# BRISTOL, CT—Sports analysts around the world emphatically predicted Monday that 2006 will be the year. "They've made all the right personnel moves, signed some key role players to give them the depth they've really been missing in the playoffs, and made some smart trades and draft picks both this season and years earlier that should provide them with the perfect combination of speed and power," said SportsCenter's Stuart Scott, echoing the sentiments of over 5,000 sportswriters and experts in every city nationwide. "Their new coach is exactly what this team needs to get them motivated and give their city the championship those fans deserve. And you can quote me on that." Sportswriters are divided, however, on whether this will be the long-awaited first championship in decades, or the continuation of a dynasty.
Amnesty International Report Blasts United States, China #~# A new Amnesty International Report condemns China and the U.S. for turning a blind eye to global poverty and genocide. What do you think?
Disabled List Offers Mark Prior Two-Year, $8 Million Extension #~# CHICAGO—Mark Prior, the right-handed pitcher who has spent the first few years of his career on the disabled list, is now considering accepting a recent two-year, $8 million offer from the DL that would keep him not playing through the 2008 season. "I couldn't even imagine the DL without Mark Prior—over the years, he has become the face, stiff right elbow, strained subscapularis muscle, and inflamed Achilles tendon of our organization," said Kirk Gibson, manager and longtime former member of the DL, which is currently rebuilding by claiming young arms such as Kerry Wood, Ben Sheets, and Mike Maroth. "We firmly believe that Mark's best injuries are still ahead of him." While Prior's agent says the pitcher is exploring his options, experts predict that it is "inevitable" that Prior will return to the DL and, with the loyalty he's shown in the past, likely finish his career there.
July 4, 1937 #~# Amelia Earhart Missing; Famed Aviatrix 'Probably Just Shopping,' Search Teams Say
NASCAR/Make-A-Wish Partnership Allows Kids To Achieve Dreams Mere Moments Before Death #~# DAYTONA BEACH, FL—NASCAR has announced that their new partnership with the Make-A-Wish Foundation will allow young, terminally ill stock-car-racing fans to spend their last moments on Earth living out their fantasies of driving like Tony Stewart, Jimmie Johnson, and especially all-time favorite Dale Earnhardt. "We wanted to give kids with life-threatening medical conditions the chance to get into a 750-horsepower Nextel Cup car and experience what life is like on the ragged edge—and beyond," NASCAR public-relations associate Todd Linden said while helping a 13-year-old leukemia patient into a specially outfitted Monte Carlo with loose steering, a bad front-end push, and four weak tires. "We believe they deserve a chance to know what driving a race car is like before they die… even immediately before." Replacement cars for the program are paid for by the estate of the late Dale Earnhardt, whose relatives say would have loved to treat kids to the experience.
Somalia Defeats Rwanda To Win Third-World Cup #~# KHARTOUM, SUDAN—The host city of the 2006 Developing Nations Football Championship erupted in cheers that nearly drowned out the cries of the starving and wounded Tuesday when the underdog Somali side, playing four down due to injuries and landmines, outlasted the more experienced if disease-ridden Rwandans 1-0 to win the inaugural Third-World Cup.
Sportscaster Claims You Hate To See That #~# BRISTOL, CT—Despite the clip airing on the 6 p.m., 8 p.m., and 11 p.m. broadcasts of SportsCenter, ESPN anchor Chris Berman claimed that “a devastating injury of that nature is not what fans come to see,” in reference to a vicious slide-tackle that left an unidentified soccer player writhing on the pitch as his shattered tibia and fibula jutted through his skin, shin-guard, and knee-high sock. “He’s going to feel that one in the morning,” Berman said over the deafening roar of the crowd and the sound effect of a snapping tree branch. “Ouch.” Berman, who has in the past suggested that you never want to watch a backcountry skier smack into a series of exposed rocks or a rally car hurtling out of control into a crowd of helpless spectators, added that he was “glad we can put this behind us” after the clip had been shown from several different angles in slow motion.
Alan Colmes' Death Goes Unreported On Hannity & Colmes #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The accidental death of Alan Colmes, the liberal commentator sometimes featured alongside conservative Sean Hannity, has gone unreported on their Fox News political commentary show for two weeks. "I can't understand why—why the Republicans are afraid to pull the trigger on immigration!" said Hannity, speaking to an empty seat across the set. "Would someone, anyone from the other side of the issue please tell me exactly how you seduced them to the Dumb Side? This is backwards thinking!" Hannity did not attend the funeral held last weekend for Colmes, who, according to anonymous sources within Fox News, was caught in a D.C.-area crosswalk when the light changed, flip-flopped on which way to go, and was struck by a dump-truck.
Coffee Counteracts Alcohol #~# A study published by the Archives of Internal Medicine demonstrates that drinking coffee can offset the detrimental effects of alcohol on the liver. What do you think?
We Must Preserve The Earth's Dwindling Resources For My Five Children #~# As we move into the 21st century, it is our responsibility to think of the future of the earth—not for ourselves, but for those who will inherit what my husband and I leave behind when we're gone. If we do not join together and do what's best for this, our only planet, there may not be an environment left in which my five children, and their 25 children's 125 children, can grow up and raise large upper-middle-class families of their own.
There's No Way I'm Saving That Guy #~# All right. I realize I am supposed to be all-merciful, universally loving, the Light and the Way and everything, but even a divine avatar of the Supreme Being's loving grace has His limits. I know I've said many times that there is always room for one more—even the lowliest—at the table of the Lord, but even so, there is just no freaking way I'm redeeming this S.O.B. 
Government To Defend Marriage From Dashing Reginald St. Croix, Esq. #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Amid clamor from thousands of cuckolded husbands nationwide, a bipartisan group of lawmakers has drafted legislation designed to safeguard the institution of marriage, the moral cornerstone of American society, from the greatest threat to its sanctity: suave master-seducer Reginald St. Croix, Esq.
McCain, Feingold Co-Sponsor Chain Of Integrity-Themed Eateries #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a longstanding need to "restore honor and dignity to the American food-service industry," Sens. John McCain (R-AZ) and Russ Feingold (D-WI) announced the public debut of their joint business venture Monday, a chain of integrity-themed restaurants which opened in 12 locations nationwide.
UN Taking Guns? #~# The NRA is telling its members that the United Nations wants to take guns from American citizens on July 4th. What do you think?
Professor Pressured To Sleep With Student For Good Course Evaluation #~# FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Alan Gilchrist, an associate professor of English literature at the University of Arkansas infamous for his tough grading standards and dry lecturing style, was coerced into sleeping with an undergraduate on Monday in order to earn a good course evaluation. "My tenure's on the line here, so I allowed a student to take advantage of me," said an emotional Gilchrist of the experience, which he hopes will earn him at least six "very much enjoyed" responses on the eight-item evaluation form. "I told myself it would be just this once, and that it would be over soon, and that it wouldn't be that bad, but I was used. And I can't stop showering." Sources said that the unidentified student is one of the most popular and charismatic on campus, raising questions about possible abuse of power.
Report: Many Americans Too Willing To Ask For Help #~# BETHESDA, MD—A National Institutes of Health study released Monday revealed that Americans are excessively, almost pathologically eager to seek help for various personal, psychological, financial, organizational, and sartorial problems. "American citizens are four times more likely to seek counseling than Canadian citizens, eight times more likely than the British, and 900 times more likely than Germans," said the NIH's Dr. Anne Hanratty, who authored the study. "In addition, they seek help an average of seven times faster than citizens of other nations, sometimes only a few hours after they undergo any emotion or experience that could be interpreted as negative or problematic." A related study showed that Americans are nine times less likely to seek help for medical matters, such as high cholesterol or colon cancer screenings, but 85 times more likely to ask for second helpings.
Ads Defend Carbon Dioxide #~# New ads produced by the US-based Competitive Enterprise Institute defend carbon dioxide emissions as a byproduct essential to our way of life. What do you  think?
Baggage-Handling Mix-Up Sends Dirty Bomb To St. Louis #~# NEW YORK—Even in the air-conditioned confines of New York's John F. Kennedy Airport back on June 14, Abu Basir Yousef was sweating.
Hussein Judge Hoping For Fair, Speedy Assassination #~# BAGHDAD—Rauf Abdel Rahman, the chief judge in the ongoing trial of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, told Arabic news channel al-Jazeera on Monday that he is hoping for a "quick and even-handed" murder at the hands of Hussein loyalists. "After all I've been through, I think I deserve to be dispensed with swiftly and painlessly," said Abdel Rahman, who has voiced frustration in the past with the pace of the preliminary portion of his assassination. "I don't want to drag on forever behind a pickup truck, or fade away in an endless round of appeals to my captors as I bleed out in chambers." Assassins announced that Rahman's shooting, stabbing, or poisoning, already delayed twice on appeal, is scheduled for July 7.
Death Penalty For Hussein? #~# Chief prosecutor Jaafar al-Moussawi called for the death penalty for Saddam Hussein for crimes against humanity during attacks on Shiite civilians in the 1980s.  What do you think?
Kinko's Manager Hopes Child Stays Missing A Little Longer #~# RICHMOND, VA—As a local FedEx Kinko's became the nerve center of a desperate search for missing 9-year-old Haley Bonhomme, branch manager Thomas Pyle expressed a "deep personal investment" in the tragedy. The 35-year-old copy-store veteran remains eager to facilitate the girl's frantic parents' bulk-orders of hundreds of flyers, posters, and notices, he said.
A-Rod Shipped Back To Manufacturer To Fix Mechanical Flaw In Swing #~# NEW YORK—After noticing a slight, recurring mechanical flaw in its swing that has caused its season average to dip to .275, Yankee officials sent A-ROD-13, an expensive yet still completely unreliable batting unit, back to its original manufacturer for recalibration and a general tune-up. "The problem is stemming from the inconsistent firing of cylinders in A-ROD's hydraulic system, causing his pressure-relief valve to start responding to every late-game algorithm by popping out to first base," said Yankees assistant engineer Lee Mazzilli, who is responsible for oiling A-ROD's hinges and tightening his shoulder screws between innings. "Also, his fielding-equilibrium mechanism totally blew out a month ago, and we still haven't replaced it. But A-ROD should be back and as good as new in four to six weeks." Yankee officials, however, have thus far experienced no problems with A-ROD's factory-installed voicebox, which has only repeated the same five stock phrases it was specifically programmed to say.
ESPN2 Experiments With Broadcasting NBA Finals From Dan Patrick's Point Of View #~# BRISTOL, CT—The ABC Sports family extended its attempt to offer alternative coverage of major sporting events by using miniaturized cameras and microphones to broadcast Tuesday night's NBA Finals Game 6 from the perspective of ABC studio team member Dan Patrick live on ESPN2. "Excuse me… Pardon me… Sorry," Patrick can be heard to say during the tip-off and first three minutes of the game, narrating HDTV-quality first-person shots of exactly what Patrick saw as he hurried to his third-row seat after wrapping up the pregame show. "Okay, Miami, let's see if you can get this ratings-killer of a series over with." ESPN2 has not said whether they would repeat their "Dan PatrickVision" experiment in future broadcasts, saying fans were "intrigued but not enthusiastic" about the long shots of Patrick checking his cell-phone messages, the frequent quick pans to the unnamed blonde woman sitting behind Patrick's left shoulder, or the comb that obscured the on-court action as it passed in front of the camera roughly every 45 seconds.
Carolina Residents Confused, Terrified As Victorious Hurricane Players Riot In Streets #~# RALEIGH, NC—Only hours after the Carolina Hurricanes won the NHL Championship Monday night in a hard-fought Game 7 against the Edmonton Oilers, North Carolina Gov. Michael Easley mobilized the National Guard to contain over two dozen members of what he described as "some sort of depraved, violent, heretofore unheard-of gang calling themselves the Hurricanes."
TBS's Department Of Humor Analysis Fails To Find Humor In Braves Games #~# ATLANTA—With the Braves recently sinking into last place in the National League East, the TBS network's in-house Department Of Humor Analysis is having difficulty figuring out what is "very funny" about Atlanta Braves baseball. "Being the worst team in their division is a little funny, I suppose," said DHA head analyst John Cleese, who had just finished analyzing several scenes from Dumb And Dumber. "But seeing as how the team combines their dismal won-loss record with a total lack of personality, well, even the famed quantum humorists at our prestigious Department Of Humor Analysis can't find anything funny about that." Cleese added that, even if their season continues to go poorly or they find some miraculous way to win, the depression or euphoria that would inevitably follow might be better suited for broadcast on TNT, which claims to "know drama."
Report: David Segui's Awesome Parents Let Him Use Human Growth Hormone #~# BALTIMORE—Former Baltimore Orioles designated hitter David Segui admitted last week that, although he did regularly use human growth hormones throughout his 14-year career, he used them with the full permission of his "fuckin' awesome" parents. "They are really open-minded people, and approached my using HGH the same way they approached my experimentation with alcohol and marijuana when I brought them into the house," Segui said. "As long as I respected my mom and dad enough to take HGH in front of them, they said I could take, within safe limits, as many human growth hormones as I wanted." Segui added that maybe the reason Arizona Diamondbacks relief pitcher Jason Grimsley is in so much trouble for taking HGH is because he lied to his parents instead of coming clean right away.
Pentagon: Gay Equals Crazy #~# Recently released documents reveal that the Pentagon considers homosexuality to be a mental disorder, decades after mainstream psychology dismissed that idea. What do you think?
Adult-Proof Ringtone #~# Some teens are reportedly using a ringtone so high-pitched that most adults cannot hear it. What do you think?
Coworker Even A Dick In His Expense Reports #~# LIVONIA, MI—Charging his transportation, lodging, and entertainment costs to his company's expense account is just one more opportunity for Soar Electronics sales representative Shaun Millsen to be a total cock, according to controller Joe Borowski, who provided Millsen's expense notes from a recent sales trip Monday. "Extra transpo. charge applies for black airport limo after first limo, white, had to be sent back, obviously. Entertainment exp. for bullshit client, $650," read an excerpt. Said Borowski: "He didn't even have receipts for most of them besides." Borowski added that, judging by the frequency and quantity of Millsen's room-service drink orders, he is also a complete dick to his wife.
Area Woman Fulfills Dream Of Becoming Writer By Getting Job At Bookstore #~# PHILADELPHIA—Aspiring novelist Sandy Bellman took the last step in her personal journey as a professional writer last week when she was hired at a west-side Barnes & Noble. "This has been a big year for me creatively, and getting this was the biggest step yet," said Bellman whose hiring, according to sources close to the 27-year-old, will almost certainly be her greatest literary achievement. "After all this time, I'm finally part of the world of books." Bellman is expected to sell her first novel, most likely Khaled Hosseini's The Kite Runner or James Patterson's Judge And Jury, shortly after beginning her training shift next Monday.
Is Anyone On This Bus Interested In Disciplining My Son? #~# I can tell by your disapproving stares, hushed whispers, and looks of genuine concern that just about everyone on this crosstown bus thinks that they could do a better job raising my 4-year-old son—whom you will identify as the child leaning over the back of your seat throwing soggy Cheerios at you—and I completely agree. Someone needs to put an end to his unacceptable behavior, and I can assure you that person will not be me. 
Report: U.S. May Have Been Abused During Formative Years #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A team of leading historians and psychiatrists issued a report Wednesday claiming that the United States was likely the victim of abuse by its founding fathers and motherland when it was a young colony.
No One At Porn Site Responding To Area Man's Bad Link Report #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Frank Connor's repeated e-mails to the webmaster of Assmouthblowout.com concerning a bad link have gone without a response for more than a week, Connor said on the Erectionconnexxxion.net message board Tuesday. "Who do you have to blow to get them to fix the link to CumSoakedMILFs.com, for Christ's sake?" Connor said, emphasizing that, although the site is free, there was no excuse for such unprofessional behavior. "If they don't get back to me or fix the link soon, I'll have to start a petition to have the guys at Slam Train stop listing them as a featured site." Connor says he is also boycotting the website's advertisers, including Fleshlight and Boy Butter, "until such time as they start treating this loyal customer in a more professional manner."
I'm Not One Of Those Fancy College-Educated Doctors #~# I'm a doctor, and I'm damn good at it. Why? Because I learned to be a doctor the old-fashioned way: gumption, elbow grease, and trial and error. I'm not one of these blowhards in a white coat who'll wear your ears out with 10 hours of mumbo-jumbo technical jargon about "diagnosis" this and "prognosis" that, just because he loves the sound of his own voice. No sir. I just get the job done.
Whaling Ban Nearly Killed #~# Led by strong opposition from Japan, the body that governs commercial whaling came close to overturning the 20-year-old ban on the practice. What do you think?
Fan-Favorite First Season Of Bush Administration Released On DVD #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to growing demand, the Bush Administration has announced that their popular and critically acclaimed first season will be made available as a 12-DVD set later this summer. "We're including everything we experienced as it was meant to be seen, from the magnificent inauguration to the dark days of the World Trade Center attack," according to a statement released  by the administration. "See the classic cast of characters you loved—Rove, Ashcroft, Laura, and even the president himself—in the roles that made you love them."  Viewers have criticized the Bush Administration's recent seasons for uninspired cast changes and convoluted plots, but most say they are still eagerly awaiting the scheduled 2008 finale.
New Roommate Always There #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Ohio State University student and local tenant Adam Polentz, 22, is growing increasingly bewildered and annoyed by roommate Daniel Brosima's constant presence in their apartment, Polentz reported Tuesday.
Exhausted Video Editor Can't Tell If Blooper Reel Is Funny Anymore #~# LOS ANGELES—Video editor Scott Lessner, after working all weekend to meet a deadline for the upcoming Spike TV special, Wait, Did I Just See That?!? World's Zaniest Bloopers And Other Outrageous $%#!! Caught On Tape, reported Monday that he had all but lost his "usually rock-solid" ability to judge the comic merits of various on-camera glitches, blunders, and practical jokes.
Gates To Leave Microsoft #~# Bill Gates announced that he will be giving up his duties in the day-to-day operations of Microsoft in 2008. What do you think?
Health-Club Employee Stops Going To Work After Two Weeks #~# MONTCLAIR, NJ—Only two weeks after signing up as an employee at Onward Health And Fitness, area resident Jennifer Lazar, initially enthusiastic about shedding excess debt in time for summer, has already lost interest in her "tedious" five-day work routine, sources reported Friday. 
National Meat Surplus #~# Pork profits are substantially lower than last year because of a massive meat surplus. What do you think?
Mackey Sasser: 'Hey Everybody, Look At Me, I Took Steroids—I'm Mackey Sasser And I Took Steroids' #~# NEW YORK—Former Mets catcher Mackey Sasser called an impromptu press conference last night to inform the public that he, too, has taken steroids. "Hey everyone, over here, it's me, Mackey Sasser. Remember me? The big fat catcher from the late '80s and early '90s Mets teams? Mackey Sasser. Not Dave Magadan, not Howard Johnson, not Kevin McReynolds—Mackey Sasser. Well, just wanted to let you all know that, believe it or not, I, of all people—me, Mackey Sasser!—took steroids. Yessiree bob, you heard it right, I took steroids. Whaddaya know? Bet you never suspected me. Not in a million years. Mackey Sasser, taking steroids," Sasser said. "I didn't take amphetamines, I didn't take human growth hormone, nope—I took the real thing. Steroids. Took 'em every day. Just thought you should know. Okay, bye." Sasser then told reporters that he would be "standing right over here" if they had any further questions.
Home Depot Criticized For Pledging $10 Billion To American Cancer Society For Every Padres Home Run #~# SAN DIEGO—Home Depot has come under fire from cancer patients, baseball fans, and Padres players for the company's recent "heartless and insulting" offer to donate "$10 billion in cash" to the American Cancer Society each time a Padres player hits a home run for the rest of the 2006 season. "This outrageous offer of 'charity' is a slap in the face to our organization," said Jay Czarnecki, a spokesman for the ACS. "Having your donation depend upon a San Diego player hitting a baseball over 300 feet through the air is not only placing unfair and unrealistic expectations on the Padres, but is equivalent to telling everyone who has cancer to go off and die." Czarnecki suggested that, if Home Depot truly supports the research and eradication of a disease that kills millions of Americans every year, they should pledge a dollar for each time a Padre strikes out or commits an error.
Justin Gatlin: 'Under The Right Conditions, I Can Run The 100 In 3.2 seconds' #~# RALEIGH, NC—American sprinter Justin Gatlin recently announced that he can easily surpass his own world record in the 100 meters (9.77 seconds) by nearly 6.5 seconds if the conditions are just right. "If the winds behind me are similar to that of a Category 4 hurricane without the rain and hail; the course we are running on is a steep, flat drop from the apex of a tall mountain; my shoes are three ounces lighter than usual and sport aerodynamic jet propellers; my mother is in the stands cheering, but not loud enough to the point where it is distracting; the other participants in the race are chasing me with weapons; and I neglect to wear my lucky but weighty gold chain, there is no question that I can run it in 3.2 seconds," Gatlin said. "My coach and I have simulated these conditions in practice, and I ran it in 3.7 seconds. With the added adrenaline of a real race, who knows how low I can go." U.S. racing officials have said that, though they wouldn't mind watching this race, any record-breaking time recorded under these conditions would lack legitimacy.
Phil Mickelson's U.S. Open Strategy Includes Telling Loud, Touching Stories About Living Father #~# MAMARONECK, NY—Phil Mickelson has fine-tuned his entire game for this week's U.S. Open at Winged Foot by preparing over 20 warm, folksy stories about him and his living father that, according to Mickelson, will propel him to a first-place finish should he find himself atop the leaderboard with "any competitor lacking paternal support." "I just really love my living dad, and I think that will come out in the fishing story I plan to tell at around the 16th hole on Championship Sunday, when golfers really need that added edge," Mickelson said. "I can't wait to call up my father, who will be alive to answer the phone, and share this win with him on Father's Day." Tiger Woods, Mickelson's main competition, has prepared several stories of his own, about the joys of playing golf right-handed, weight gain, and how somebody could possibly play a round of golf while his children have been kidnapped.
Devastated By U.S. World Cup Team's First-Round Loss, Nation Grinds To Halt #~# NEW YORK, LOS ANGELES, and WASHINGTON, DC—With the Dow Jones average down over 600 points, factory productivity in a downward spiral, and workplace attendance down by nearly a third, experts say the U.S. World Cup team's heartbreaking 3-0 defeat at the hands of Czech Republic on Monday has brought life across the soccer-crazed nation to a virtual standstill.
No Charges For Rove #~# Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald informed Karl Rove that he will not face charges over his role in the outing of a CIA agent Valerie Plame. What do you  think?
Two Hundred Spam E-Mails Can't Be Wrong #~# When I received my first "spam" e-mail offer, I admit I was a bit skeptical. I hadn't asked for any information on refinancing my mortgage, and the rates in the e-mail seemed too good to be true. Why hadn't I heard about this great deal on TV or in the Yellow Pages? 
Iran Ready To Talk About How Awesome Nuclear Program Is #~# TEHRAN—As international tension builds over Iran's decision to continue refining and enriching uranium, Foreign Ministry spokesman Hamid Reza Asefi announced Monday that the nation was "willing to enter open bilateral talks" to discuss how absolutely great it is that the country will soon have a functioning nuclear program. "Iran wishes to bring the world's diplomats to the table so that we may jump up on it and shout about how truly glorious it is to have this incredible power," Asefi wrote in a open letter inviting more than 100 heads to nuclear-proliferation-celebration talks in Tehran this September. Asefi acknowledged that Iran now has a responsibility to "come clean about how much we love our new nukes," and said he looked forward to comparing armaments with other countries, especially Israel.
Fiona Apple Song Reminds Girl To Be Depressed #~# LOS ANGELES—Her mood dangerously optimistic at the end of the school year, teenager Christine Lowell was reminded of the need to assume a sullen, self-pitying manner Monday by the Fiona Apple song "Sleep To Dream." "God, I don't see why I should have to continue facing these phonies every day of my miserable life," Lowell said after the song came into rotation on her MP3 player. "I can't be, you know, stifled by your insignificant ways, all right?" At last report, Lowell's mother, the only witness to Christine's sudden and deliberate mood change, had resumed driving to the supermarket without comment.
Mad Lit Professor Puts Finishing Touches On Bloomsday Device #~# DUBLIN—Professor Hanlon O'Faolin, once called "mad" at the Royal Irish Academy for attempting to reanimate the traditional body of Celtic folktales with the power of elcectic multilingual puns, is readying his apoplectic Bloomsday Device for activation on June 16. "Yes! Yes, they laughed at me yes but now yes I will make them pay and yes!" O'Faolin wrote in a letters to the Irish Times, promising the destruction of Dublin on the same day portrayed in Joyce's Ulysses. "When the sun first strikes the Martello Tower, the first notes of 'The Rose of Castille' shall ring out, the streets shall run with rashers, kidneys, and sausages, and I shall forge in the smithy of Dublin's soul the uncreated conscience of my race!" Dublin police say they are working around the clock from profiles to create a portrait of the professor as a crazy man.
Parole Board Swayed By Reverse Psychology #~# JOLIET, IL—The men and women of the Illinois state parole board responded to carefully calculated claims of remorselessness and probable recidivism by Clyde "Murda Dawg" King by granting him parole Tuesday, after King's "textbook" use of reverse psychology, sources said. "I told those chump-ass chumps [on the parole board] that if I ever got out, I'd just score more crack and bust more fools' grills and slice up more bitches," King said shortly after his release. "But they said, 'Your tough-guy act don't scare us, Mr. Big Talk. You're better than that and you know it.'" King said that, despite one stabbing incident involving a prison guard, his seven-year term was uneventful, largely due to his repeated claims that he hated cigarettes, did not have a zip-gun stashed in his bunk, and loved sodomy.
AIDS Turns 25 #~# HIV/AIDS was first described in the medical journal Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report 25 years ago this month. What do you think? 
Pope Makes First Papal Visit To Six Flags #~# EUREKA, MO—Pope Benedict XVI returned to Rome today following a historic, three-day trip to Six Flags St. Louis, the first official papal visit to a major American theme park since Pope Paul VI’s Thanksgiving Mass at Wet ‘n Wild in August 1966. 
Why Doesn't My Code Get Its Own Movie? #~# I have finally received an answer to the first-ever city-to-city telegraphic transmission that I sent back in 1844, "What hath God wrought?" Apparently, it's "A fragrant pile of oxshit called The Da Vinci Code."
Hotels.com Information Stolen #~# A laptop containing sensitive information about Hotels.com customers was recently stolen from an Ernst and Young employee's car. What do you think?
Surgeon General Issues Report On Dangers Of Secondhand Fire #~# WASHINGTON, D.C.—Three decades after health advocates brought to the world’s attention the serious risks associated with being on fire, a report released Monday by U.S. Surgeon General Richard Carmona purports that secondhand exposure to those ablaze could prove equally as deadly.
Sony Unveils New Model Customer #~# NEW YORK—Sony Corporation chairman and CEO Howard Stringer gave the public a first glimpse of Steve, the latest model in the company’s highly anticipated line of ideal electronics consumers, during the Sony Corporation of America’s annual stockholders meeting Monday.
Al-Zarqawi Dead #~# Jordanian terrorist Abu Musab al Zarqawi, alleged leader of the Iraqi insurgency, was killed in a U.S. airstrike Wednesday. What do you think?
Military Funeral Protests Banned #~# President Bush signed a bill that bans protests at military funerals. What do you think?
Jon Lovitz Says Income From Subway Commercials Allows Him A Certain Creative Freedom #~# LOS ANGELES—Jon Lovitz, former Saturday Night Live cast member and star of TV’s The Critic and NewsRadio, is taping a scene from his latest Subway commercial on a Burbank soundstage. To the casual onlooker, his work has seemed consistently competent, even polished. But the consummate perfectionist insists on yet another take.
Gay-Marriage Amendment #~# The US Senate voted yesterday on a proposed Constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage. What do you think?
Mavericks To Incorporate Machetes Into Hack-A-Shaq Defense #~# DALLAS—In what the Dallas Mavericks hope will be an effective variation on the "Hack-A-Shaq" defense, the traditional method of stopping Shaquille O'Neal by committing repeated hard fouls against the Miami Heat's dominant 7'1", 325-pound center, the Mavericks will equip their players with custom-made, razor-sharp machetes for this year's NBA Finals.
Joe Torre: 'Experimenting With Different Lineups Is An Addictive, Dangerous Game' #~# NEW YORK—Despite beginning the year with a fairly stable batting order, Yankees manager Joe Torre has descended into a troublesome pattern, mixing and matching all different kinds of lineups in a desperate attempt to find the perfect combination that can satisfy him for more than one game. "It starts innocently enough, when you're just looking for a quick fix after one of your guys goes down for a while," said Torre, who admits that the first thing he does upon arriving at the ballpark now is grab the lineup card, shut his office door, and start cooking up lineups with every name he can think of—right fielders his friends talked about in high school, first basemen he tried once back in 2004, and sometimes guys he's never even heard of before. "But then you're trying out guys who were never meant to be in the same lineup together, just for the sheer thrill of seeing if it works. And the worst part is, I don't see this stopping anytime soon." Owner George Steinbrenner refused to respond to criticism that he has openly supported Torre's habit by constantly buying the manager new, riskier, more expensive options.
Lance Armstrong Just Glad International Cycling Union Doesn't Test For Heroin #~# AUSTIN, TX—Seven-time Tour De France winner Lance Armstrong, who was yet again cleared of doping charges last week by the International Cycling Union (UCI), said Monday he was just glad that his former sport's governing body does not currently test for the use of heroin. "I'm not saying I was a regular user, but let's put it this way: Without smack, there's no way anyone could finish the Tour De France, let alone win it," Armstrong told the audience at a cancer-awareness banquet. "Trust me, the human body can't put up with that kind of punishment day in and day out over an entire month of hundred-plus-mile days without something a little stronger than bananas and massages." The UCI would not respond to Armstrong's comments, saying only that under current policies, any cyclist caught in possession of heroin within three days will have the drug confiscated by race officials.
Titans Require Steve McNair To Pass Notary-Public Exam Before Returning To Team #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Titans general manager Floyd Reese announced Tuesday that, upon returning to the team's practice facility, Steve McNair would be required to meet with trainers to assess the condition of his torn pectoral muscle, take a standard NFL physical, meet with the head office concerning his contract, and take and pass the Tennessee State Notary Public exam. "It came to our attention that Steve failed his exit physical after last season, and we believe his inability to perform on the field could hurt the team just as much as his inability to settle grievances with Titans management or his current inability to officially witness or authenticate vital public documents," Reese said, refusing to acknowledge insinuations that he or the Titans were being unusually harsh to the veteran quarterback. "For the kind of money we're paying Steve, we think we have a right to expect an effective leader on the field and a certified notary public the rest of the time." McNair would not respond to Reese's requirements, saying only that studying for the team-mandated realtor's exam was taking up all his time this offseason.
Adam Morrison Successfully Misses Easy Layups During Workout For Raptors #~# TORONTO—Potential No. 1 NBA draft pick Adam Morrison managed to not be in his usual excellent form during a workout for the Toronto Raptors last week, sending several easy right-handed layups clanging off the backboard and acting as if he couldn't figure out how to even attempt the shot left-handed. "Well, some days you have it, and some days—particularly days when you're trying out for a team that went 27-55—you just don't," Morrison said. "Maybe my poor play here has to do with getting adjusted to the air in Toronto, or maybe it has to do with the thought of playing for so few fans, most of whom think of a full-court pass as 'icing.'" Morrison said he will most likely return to form when he works out for Chicago, Boston, and Philadelphia, but wouldn't be too shocked if he had a near-total breakdown during his workout for Atlanta.
My Life Would Make A Great Midseason Replacement Sitcom #~# I'm not sure why, but throughout my adult life, mildly funny things occasionally happen to me. There's just something about me that some people find amusing. Now, I'm no Ray Romano, but when I tell a joke at a wedding, let's just say there's some audible chuckling going on. Guaranteed. And it's high time I did something with my mediocre gift. 
You Never Truly Retire From Grocery-Bagging #~# Long before I got my fancy degree to build residential structures and office parks, I made a name for myself in a different trade. I spent seven long, hard years up to my elbows in some of the filthiest—and yes, bloodiest—brown paper sacks you'd ever want to see. It taught me a lot of hard lessons, some I'm grateful for, some best left unmentioned. But I won't ever forget them. Grocery bagging, like all the other dirty little jobs society requires but pretends don't exist, is easy to get into. Getting out is something else. It's like embedded shrapnel. Like a phantom limb.
Child Blissfully Unaware Of Motel Swimming Pool's Sordid Past #~# SIOUX FALLS, SD—Jenny Hoyer, 7, spent all Sunday afternoon playing to the point of exhaustion in the swimming pool of the Highway 90 BestInn, cheerfully ignorant of the pool's ignominious history. "Aw, man! I swallowed some water!" said Hoyer, who would most likely have vomited had she known about the pool's 165 instances of fecal elimination, 34 instances of intercourse, or three instances of guests' bodies found drowned and decomposing. "Tastes awful, like bleach. And really salty," she added. Hoyer's parents were also blissfully unaware of their daughter's involvement with the storied pool, because they were otherwise occupied in the same bed in which the Sioux Falls Ripper bound, gagged, and butchered three Cub Scouts in 1998.
Paul McCartney's Mix-CD For New Girlfriend A Little Self-Indulgent #~# LONDON—The mix-CD that ex-Beatle Paul McCartney created for Steffina Graves, his new girlfriend, is a "sweet gesture," but "limited in terms of variety," according to the 27-year-old Graves. "'Baby I'm Amazed' may be great, but I don't know if anyone needs two different versions," Graves said Tuesday. "And I'm not sure anybody really liked 'Say Say Say.'" Graves, however, praised the psychedelic, Sgt. Pepper-inspired collage of McCartney photos on the CD cover and booklet as "very creative," and noted that "At least the CD has one Badfinger song on it, even if it is a cover of 'Love Me Do.'"
Commercial Blasted For Product Placement #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—A popular televised comic tale of heartbreak and sudden redemption involving a love triangle of dogs and a busy highway, and ending in an unexpected sales pitch for Bridgestone tires has come under fire for being what viewers are calling a sell-out. "I was really getting into the humorous plot and the lovable characters," said Kansas City resident Ben MacArdle, who has collected over 10,000 signatures in an online petition calling for the remove of all ad content from the 30-second spot. "But to be suddenly confronted with a commercial message from a tire manufacturer at the end seemed like a betrayal of the enormous creative thought that obviously went into it."  The advertisement is one of several TV campaigns criticized for their commercial content recently, including those for Victoria's Secret, Dodge Trucks, and Wendy's 99-cent bacon double cheeseburgers.
Kim Jong-Il Doesn't Know How He Keeps Winning Lottery #~# PYONGYANG—After winning his ninth $10 million lottery jackpot in as many weeks, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il continues to be "stunned" by his good luck. "Certainly the fates smile with a benevolent countenance upon myself, the most Exalted Supreme Leader-For-Life of the great nation of Korea!" said Kim, who acts as Chairman of the National Democratic Council, Commander of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Director of the North Korean Powerball and MegaMillions Lotteries, and General Secretary of the Worker's Party of Korea. "Truly, heaven has blessed me once again with great wealth, as well as the love of my people!" The dictator said the winnings come at a particularly fortuitous time, as he is currently broke after spending all of his previous eight jackpots on plutonium.
Thousands Feared Born In Nigerian Population Explosion #~# LAGOS, NIGERIA— Emergency-management personnel are calling the population explosion that ripped through this already densely populated coastal city last week "an unparalleled natural disaster" and fear the mounting life toll will only grow as tiny bodies are discovered among the human wreckage.
Canada Terror Plot #~# Canadian law enforcement arrested 17 Muslim men this weekend who allegedly tried to acquire three tons of ammonium nitrate and bomb-making components. What do you think? 
New Batwoman: Lesbian #~# DC Comics is re-introducing the character Batwoman, only this time as a lesbian. What do you think?
NSA Wiretap Reveals Subject May Be Paying Too Much For Long-Distance #~# FORT MEADE, MD—The director of the National Security Agency announced at a press conference Tuesday that the ongoing phone surveillance of Cincinnati resident Greg Wyckham has yielded "overwhelming and incontrovertible" evidence that the 37-year-old high-school teacher and married father of three is wasting money on a long-distance plan that does not suit his calling needs. 
DHS Cuts New York Defense #~# The City of New York is up in arms after its Homeland-Security budget was slashed nearly in half. What do you think? 
Rogue Scientist Has Own Scientific Method #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Only months after abandoning a tenured position at Lehigh University, maverick chemist Theodore Hapner managed to disprove two of the three laws of thermodynamics and show that gold is a noxious gas, turning the world of science—defined for centuries by exhaustive research, painstaking observation, and hard-won theories—completely on its head. 
Avoiding The Anti-Christ #~# A pregnant woman in England is trying to get her hospital to induce labor so the baby will not be born on 6/6/06. What do you think?
Area Mother Can Only Imagine What Son Is Eating Right Now #~# ROCKFORD, IL—Local mother Anna Sampson, whose 22-year-old son Michael recently graduated from college and is now living on his own for the first time, was kept awake Tuesday night by the  thought of what kind of food Michael was likely eating.
M.I.A. Denied Visa #~# British rapper M.I.A. was denied a visa to the U.S., purportedly for her support of the Sri Lankan terrorist organization the Tamil Tigers. What do you think?
Recent Cardinals Call-Up Trying Too Hard To Befriend Albert Pujols #~# ST. LOUIS—Anthony Reyes, a 24-year-old pitcher who was called up from the Cardinals' Triple-A Memphis affiliate on May 21, is taking full advantage of his time with the big-league club by going to extreme lengths to earn the friendship of superstar Albert Pujols, teammates reported Tuesday. "His first day with the club, he told Albert that he was his idol, and that he always wanted to be a first-baseman, and then offered to clean out Albert's locker," said centerfielder Jim Edmonds, whom other Cardinals suspect may just be angry that none of the rookies ever care about endearing themselves to him. "He's always loudly applauding routine ground balls that Albert fields at first base, and after every one of Albert's at-bats, there's Ant with a cup of his favorite Gatorade flavor, a handful of sunflower seeds, and a moist towel. Does he think that if he gets in Albert's good graces, the team will be less inclined to send him back down to the minors?" When asked about the rookie, Pujols said "Aaron [sic] seems like a pretty okay guy," and added that he really appreciated his donation of one year's salary to the Pujols Family Foundation for Down syndrome.
Golfer Brad Faxon Cracks On Budweiser Hot Seat #~# BRISTOL, CT—PGA Tour veteran Brad Faxon suffered a near-total loss of composure Tuesday during the filming of SportsCenter's Budweiser Hot Seat segment when anchor Scott Van Pelt fired a flurry of questions at Faxon, the last of which dealt with whether Faxon believes his putting stroke will hold up during the 2006 U.S. Open. "Why? Do you think something is wrong with my putting? Why shouldn't my stroke hold up? Have you been watching me? Why is it so dark in here?" Faxon said while biting his fingernails, sweating profusely, and looking around in an agitated fashion. "I have rights, you know! I'm going to call my fucking attorney, and your ass is going to be fired! All of your asses!" When Van Pelt informed Faxon that he was "now off the Budweiser Hot Seat," a relieved Faxon thanked God and broke down in tears.
Marco Andretti Follows In Father's Footsteps By Not Winning Indy 500 #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Marco Andretti, 19-year-old Indy Racing League rookie phenom and son of driver Michael Andretti, upheld the family tradition his father began in 1984 when he failed to win the Indianapolis 500 last Sunday despite leading all but the last seconds of the final lap. "Dad has led the most laps at Indianapolis without winning, and now I just came in second in one of the closest finishes ever," said the younger Andretti, who like his father was also voted the 500's Outstanding Rookie despite not winning. "I'm feeling really close to my father right now. And that sucks." Mario Andretti, Marco's grandfather and father to Michael, was quick to inform reporters that he won the Indianapolis 500 in 1969, the Daytona 500 in 1967, the Formula One world championship in 1978, and is friends with actor Paul Newman.
UFC Fan Only Watches For Joe Rogan's Expert Analysis #~# CHICAGO—Scott Milloy, a longtime Ultimate Fighting Championship fan, would have stopped watching televised matches in the full-contact fighting series long ago if not for the well-informed, insightful color commentary of UFC host Joe Rogan. "A lot of these new guys may be better fighters than the UFC had in the old 'tough fat guy' era, but without Joe Rogan to give me the insider information that only a former Massachusetts Tae Kwon Do champ can give, I probably wouldn't even watch anymore," Milloy told friends before the Gracie-Hughes UFC matchup Saturday. "And he provides that insight in the way only a former News Radio star can. Truly an athlete and a scholar." Milloy later added that, as far as he could tell, the only blot on Rogan's stellar career was his two-season stint as a host of the Man Show, a position "beneath the dignity of an expert of the Octagon."
Royals Hire Tom Emanski To Teach Them Fundamentals Of Baseball #~# KANSAS CITY—With their offense floundering, their pitching the league's worst, and their footwork on double-play balls atrocious, the Royals (12-37) announced Sunday that former youth-baseball coach and instructional-videotape producer Tom Emanski would join the team in a specially created fundamentals-coaching role, designed to help the Royals get back to basics and start playing winning baseball the Tom Emanski way.
Employees Still Have No Idea What's Going On After Attending Meeting #~# BOSTON—The staff of Viacom's regional syndication and licensing division have "absolutely no idea" what is happening with their operations, planning, or corporate structure following their four-hour-long operations, planning, and corporate-restructuring meeting, employees said Monday. "Well, it seems like we are either heading into an 'amazing new era,' or losing our jobs," assistant project coordinator Lisa Morgan said. "Or maybe it's something else altogether. At the very least, I'm fairly sure that this meeting concerned how we operate, plan, and structure our work. I think." Morgan said she hoped some of the finer details of the meeting would be made clear in one of the follow-up meetings on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.
Chicago Mandates Living Wage #~# The Chicago City Council passed an ordinance last week declaring that "big box" stores like Target and Best Buy had to pay a living wage of   $10 per hour. What do you think? 
Area Man Calls For Immediate Release Of His Endorphins #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—With tensions already at an all-time high, the nearly 96-hour standoff between area resident Anthony Shepard and his hypothalamus came to a head Monday when the 32-year-old called for the immediate release of all endorphins back into his bloodstream. 
Mass Transit Use Increases #~# Predictably, rising gas prices have led to an increase in mass-transit use. What do you think?
Ken Lay's Corpse Sentenced To Prison #~# HOUSTON—A U.S. district court judge handed down the maximum sentence Tuesday to the body of former Enron CEO Kenneth L. Lay, who was convicted on multiple counts of securities and wire fraud when alive last May. "Mr. Lay, given the severity and scope of your blatant disregard for the laws and ethics of business, this court has no hesitation in posthumously sentencing you to rot in a maximum-security correctional facility," Judge Sim Lake said while addressing Lay's decomposing corpse Tuesday. "May God have already had mercy on your soul." Lay's remains will immediately begin serving a 45-year sentence, but could be eligible for parole as early as 2026 if they exhibit good behavior.
Nonprofit Fights Poverty With Poverty #~# CLEVELAND, OH—Helping Hearts, a nonprofit organization that assists low-income Clevelanders, marked its eighth anniversary Monday with its customary celebration of a box-mix home-made cake, a pitcher of Kool-Aid, and a promise from assistant director Susan Lindstrom to continue its tireless work alleviating some of the most pressing needs of the city's poor.
July 17, 1963 #~# Sinatra Warns Russkies To Knock It Off
Motocrosser Quits After Learning Physics #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Reigning AMA Motocross national champion Ricky Carmichael, considered by many to be the greatest off-road motorcycle rider in history, abruptly announced his retirement from competition Monday after completing a summer course in physics at Florida State University. "I've had a great run in both professional motocross and Supercross, but the more I learn about kinetic energy, momentum, and ballistics, I'm beginning to think I've had a pretty good run of luck, too," said Carmichael, whose instructors said seemed particularly interested in the effects that gravity and sudden deceleration could have on a Suzuki RMZ250 four-stroke dirt bike. "I'd like to thank everyone and everything that helped me get this far, especially the considerable gyroscopic forces of the wheels on my race bikes, which were apparently sometimes the only thing keeping me from sublimating into a liquid state of matter." Carmichael is rumored to be considering a career in NASCAR after completing courses in business and marketing.
Grieving Tiger Woods Convinced Everyone Let Him Win British Open #~# ORLANDO, FL—Tiger Woods' initial feelings of elation and redemption after winning the 2006 British Open—his first victory following the passing of his father Earl—began to sour when Woods started questioning the validity of his win, saying that it was "awfully convenient" that nobody posed a real threat to his tournament lead, and that he now believes the entire field let him win because he is still in mourning. 
Israel Requests NATO Help #~# Israel surprised the international community by requesting that NATO troops be sent in to patrol the Lebanon–Israel border.  What do you think?
Negro Leagues Hall Of Fame Indicts Ty Cobb #~# KANSAS CITY—The Negro Leagues Hall Of Fame announced Monday that Ty Cobb, who led all white baseball players with 27 lynchings in 1907, would lead its inaugural class of indictees. "Even though many of the members on our committee weren't around to have their lives affected by Mr. Cobb, the mere stories of his performance on the baseball field—like when he choked the wife of a black groundskeeper during an argument at Warren Park—are enough to convince us that he deserves this recognition, and potentially an even deeper investigation into his accomplishments in this area," said Buck O'Neil, who presented Cobb's granddaughter and the Royston, GA district attorney with a plaque detailing the numerous race-motivated offenses Cobb had been accused of, from the 1909 knifing of a black night watchman to a 1919 incident in which he called a chambermaid a 'nigger' before knocking her down, kicking her in the stomach, and throwing her down the stairs of the Hotel Pontchartrain. "This is long overdue." Cobb joins Jake Powell, Cap Anson, Barry Bonds, John Rocker, and 3,185 others who will be indicted in an NLHF ceremony August 3.
Tony Stewart Calls Upcoming Allstate 400 'A Great Opportunity To Kill Someone' #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Just days after accepting full responsibility for a wreck that knocked Clint Boyer and Carl Edwards out of the Pocono 500, Tony Stewart said he had put the incident behind him and was focusing his energies on the possible fatal crashes he could cause in the upcoming Allstate 400 at the Brickyard. "Indy is a great track with a lot of history, and I'd love to add to that history by running someone's car full-speed into the wall in the short-chutes after Turns 1 and 3, or spinning them down pit lane, or even bumping them into the infield, and killing them," Stewart told reporters shortly after arriving at Indianapolis Motor Speedway. "I'd also love to win, if possible, but I have to run my own race." NASCAR's Competition Committee has already issued a warning to Stewart advising him to "refrain from making incendiary comments" and to "save that sort of thing for the racetrack." 
A-Rod Also Leading Yankees In Grammatical Errors #~# NEW YORK—After an embarrassing post-game interview in which Alex Rodriguez committed three sloppy grammatical errors in a single sentence, the Yankee third-baseman moved into the team lead with 57 on the season. "I'm feeling really well out there, and I thought I had proved myself after yesterday's game, but I just can't seem to remember that prepositions are not a good thing to end a sentence with," said Rodriguez, who has been working with Yankees sentence-construction coach Lee Mazzilli on his fielding of questions. "But irregardless of what my critics say, this inflammable problem will be fixed by me." Rodriguez was also quick to note that he would likely only be third on the team in both grammatical errors and double-negatives if Hideki Matsui and Gary Sheffield had been healthy and talking all season.
Nuclear Waste Accumulating #~# Thousands of tons of spent nuclear fuel is building up at three power plants because the government¹s failure to open a promised storage facility in Nevada. What do you think?
Illiterate Spirit Frustrates Ouija- Board Players #~# STRATTANVILLE, PA—Late-night attempts to contact the spirit world proved more frustrating than enlightening for a slumber party of Strattanville teens Saturday when the only specter they were able to contact suffered from borderline illiteracy, sources said. The poorly educated revenant frustrated the séance participants, who quickly grew impatient with such otherworldly messages as "W-U-R-N-N-G—F-U-M—B-A-Y-O-N—T-H-E—G-R-A-V" and other hard-to-interpret information. Organizer Olivia Bamberger, 13, said they were all "embarrassed for the guy," and finally asked the wraith to tell them the future and "sound out the big words."
Boyfriend Not To Be Trusted With Netflix Queue #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Area resident Megan Sands announced Tuesday that her boyfriend, medical student Nick Kanis, would no longer be permitted to make unsupervised decisions concerning her Netflix queue. "I just checked it this morning, and Nick had added Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo to the list of films we supposedly want to watch," Sands, 25, said. "When I asked him about it, he said, 'Well, didn't you see the first one?' I don't even know how to answer that question." Barring a sudden password change or queue adjustment, Irish Jam, a 2006 comedy starring Eddie Griffin as an L.A. rapper who beguiles an entire village in Ireland, is slated to arrive in the couple's mailbox on Thursday.
I'm Thinking About Getting Into Office Politics #~# I've always considered myself to be a natural leader with a devotion to higher ideals. By demonstrating responsibility, reliability, and commitment to company values, I've achieved a comfortable position here at Atlantic Box and Container Inc. 
I Just Assumed The Hobo With The Top Hat Was The One In Charge #~# Should anyone in the hobo camp on the outskirts of the abandoned railyard find this paper, I would ask you to please pass along the following message to your cohorts before you use it to line your shoes, assuming you can read. It would be greatly appreciated. 
Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence #~# NEW YORK—Wikipedia, the online, reader-edited encyclopedia, honored the 750th anniversary of American independence on July 25 with a special featured section on its main page Tuesday.
Postmaster General Loses Laptop; Zip-Code Data Of Millions At Risk #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Postal Service has confirmed that a laptop computer issued to Postmaster General John Potter and containing the zip-code information of over 280 million Americans was allegedly left in a taxicab Monday evening. "I sincerely regret that my carelessness has made precious five- and nine-digit codes, which are vital for U.S. information delivery, potentially vulnerable to unscrupulous individuals who would do us harm," Potter said in a televised press conference Tuesday, during which he also announced his resignation. "I have failed the president, the Postal Service, and you, the American people, by not securely safeguarding this sensitive data, which pertains to the current locations of literally hundreds of millions of U.S. citizens. I have no choice but to step down, effective immediately." Officials refused to elaborate on the extent of the information leak, but did not rule out the possibility that everyone in the U.S. might have to move.
Orlando Murder Rate Up #~# Orlando, Florida, home to Walt Disney World, is on track in 2006 to have the most murders in 24 years. What do you think?
Sparrow Aviation Administration Blames Collision On Failure To Detect Pane Of Glass #~# PIERRE, SD—Sparrow Aviation Administration officials are calling the Monday collision of a westbound sparrow with the window of a Mitchell, SD home a clear case of "controlled flight into glass," after the bird failed to detect a transparent windowpane directly in his flight path.
Voting Rights Act Extended #~# On Thursday, the U.S. Senate approved a 25-year extension of the 1965 Voting Rights Act, which protected the voting rights of African Americans. What do you think?
Report: Everything Made In Sweatshops #~# NEW YORK—A new U.S. Department Of Labor study revealed that Martha Stewart Living housewares, Tommy Hilfiger clothing, iPod music players, forks, diapers, telephones, and every other conceivable consumer good in existence is manufactured by people laboring in sweatshop conditions. "Long hours, low wages, and unsafe work areas are involved in producing everything our civilization uses," Labor Secretary Elaine Chao said at a press conference Tuesday. "It is now literally impossible for anyone anywhere in this country to purchase any single thing that doesn't infringe on someone's human rights." Chao added that even the few items still made in the U.S., such as designer T-shirts and certain Toyota sedans, are also produced in deadly squalor, mostly by illegal immigrants. The Department of Labor recommended no immediate course of action in response to the report, which was compiled by 135 government employees in an 20-by-80-foot Quonset hut without air-conditioning working six 18-hour shifts a week for $1.15 an hour.
Report: 47% Of Satellites Currently Monitoring Celebrity Parenting #~# LOS ANGELES—Just days after the launch of SURI-II, whose state-of-the-art instruments are expected to provide the first-ever infrared images of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' infant daughter, a report published by NASA revealed that nearly half of all communications and reconnaissance satellites currently in orbit are engaged in collecting and transmitting data relating to the child-rearing practices of Hollywood stars.
Area Senior Suspects Grandchild's Visit Just Some Sort Of Class Assignment #~# UNIONVILLE, MO—Eugenia Stollis' delight over an unannounced visit from grandson Toby Rourke soon soured Monday when the 76-year-old grandmother began to suspect that he was only there to complete a class assignment.
Stem-Cell Science Vetoed #~# President Bush executed his first veto since entering office on a bill supporting stem-cell research.  What do you think?
U.S. Soldiers Ask Rumsfeld If They Could Get Surprise Visit From Loved Ones Instead #~# BAGHDAD—Although U.S. troops in Iraq said they appreciated President Bush's recent surprise visit, thousands of them have petitioned the White House to arrange surprise visits from relatives and spouses as well. "As great as it was to get a visit from the commander in chief, given the choice, I'd rather see my mom," said Army Cpl. Emilio Salazar, who is serving his third tour of duty. "Or my dad, or even my girlfriend. I'm just saying, they could fit a lot of people on Air Force One." An estimated two-thirds of American military personnel in Iraq have signed the petition, with the other third saying that Iraq is still far too dangerous a place for anyone's loved ones to spend any time.
Selig: Next All-Star Game To Determine U.S. Foreign Policy #~# MILWAUKEE—After four years in which the outcome of the All-Star Game determined home-field advantage in the World Series, Commissioner Bud Selig has announced that Major League Baseball will attempt to increase fan interest by allowing the game's outcome to determine the direction of the United States foreign policy. "We have been working closely with the players' union and the State Department to align opposing theories of American involvement overseas with our two leagues," Selig said in a press conference Tuesday. "Since 'This Time It Counts' didn't resonate with the fans, we're hoping that 'All-Star Game 2007: The Fate Of The Free World Hangs In The Balance' will build more excitement." Although the exact details of the plan have yet to be determined, Selig said that a National League victory would almost certainly result in completely open borders, renewed relations with Cuba, and the withdrawal of coalition forces from Iraq.
Jose Canseco Names 10,000 Baseball Players #~# WASHINGTON, DC—While speaking to reporters Tuesday, Jose Canseco released the names of 10,000 current and former baseball players whom he alleges have taken part in the sport at some point during their lives. "Tim Teufel, Jim Abbot, Henry 'Hank' Aaron, Sid Fernandez, Mike Piazza, Graig Nettles, Ken Griffey Jr., Ken Griffey Sr., Chris Sabo, Dave Valle, Erubiel Durazo, Pat Listach, Carney Lansford, Terry Steinbach, Gary Gaetti," said Canseco at one point during his 14-hour statement. "Eddie Murray, Eddie Matthews, Eddie Guardado, while we're on Eddies, there's Eddie Cicotte… Um, Babe Ruth obviously, Jay Gibbons, Henry Blanco, Ralph Kiner, Darren Daulton, me, Cap Anson, Willie Bloomquist, Henry Rodriguez…" Canseco added that, if necessary, he can name thousands of other players, as long as he is granted access to official Hall Of Fame records or the 2006 edition of the Baseball Encyclopedia.
Brett Myers Atones For Punching Wife With Solid Seven-Inning Outing #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Three weeks after hitting his wife on a Boston street, Phillies pitcher Brett Myers made up for the costly miscue by coming back strong and tossing seven quality innings en route to a 6-2 victory over the Giants Sunday. "When you let your emotions get the best of you and make a silly error like Brett did when he repeatedly struck his wife in the face, the only way to atone for it is to get right back on the baseball field, put that past performance behind you, and pitch deep into an important game while maintaining consistent velocity and pinpoint control," manager Charlie Manuel said. "This outing is exactly what Bretty needed to get the fans to stop thinking about him as someone who physically abuses his spouse." Philadelphia fans and media, who had earlier called for a public apology from Myers, have dropped this demand in light of Myers' impressive total of seven strikeouts.
CBS Laser-Etches Eggs #~# CBS will be laser-etching 35 million eggs to be sold in stores to promote its fall lineup. What do you think?
Mascot Community Still Reeling After Benny The Bull's Misdemeanor Battery Charge #~# CHICAGO—A coalition of prominent mascots, including the Phoenix Suns Gorilla, The Pittsburgh Parrot, and the Philly Phanatic, called a press conference Tuesday to answer questions concerning their colleague, Benny the Bull, following an incident in which Benny struck an off-duty police officer who was attempting to prevent him from riding a mini-motorcycle through the "Taste Of Chicago" street fair. "During the conference, the Phanatic demonstrated that mascots did not condone Benny's actions by walking up to a reporter, throwing a punch that stopped short of the reporter's face, and then waving its finger in a 'not allowed' motion," said bystander Steve Garbon, who was waiting with his daughter for a picture. "It was really conciliatory and funny." Benny, who could not be reached for comment, released a statement apologizing for his actions and saying he will be attending anger-management courses at which he will distribute free T-shirts.
PNC Park Threatens To Leave Pittsburgh Unless Better Team Is Built #~# PITTSBURGH—After five years of serving Pittsburgh as their state-of-the-art sporting facility, PNC Park, the home of the rundown, poorly maintained Pirates, said Tuesday it is threatening to leave Pittsburgh unless a new team can be built within the next three years.
July 20, 1925 #~# Scopes Monkey Trial Raises Troubling Question: Is Science Being Taught In Our Schools?
Boston's Big-Dig Fiasco #~# Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney took over an inspection of the Big Dig, Boston's recently completed multi-billion-dollar tunnel highway system, after a collapsed ceiling panel killed a driver.  What do you think?
International Atom Registry Allows Customers To Name Atom After Loved One #~# HOT SPRINGS, AR—For only $26.75, customers worldwide can now honor their loved ones by naming an individual atom after them, executives at the International Atom Registry, Inc. announced Monday. "Every time that special someone looks at the matter containing their special individual atom, they'll think of you and your lasting tribute," said Guy Warriner, IAR president and chief archivist. "But hurry—the universe's 1x10(^78) atoms won't last forever!" Special packages are available for those who wish to name very special atoms, such as those that make up the Vietnam War Memorial, the turf of Lambeau Field, or the sweater Lisa Kudrow wore for the final episode of Friends.
Old Gypsy Woman Run Over Without Consequence #~# CHICAGO—Area motorist Moe Balaczs is not showing any signs of weight loss, suppurating lesions, dementia, blindness, or any other grave maladies two weeks after maiming an 83-year-old Gypsy woman with his Ford Excursion. "I have to tell you, it's a relief to suffer no repercussions after dragging a wizened crone in a black babushka under my truck for a block and a half," said Balaczs, who did not report the accident in an effort to escape arcane retaliation. "I really thought I'd be vomiting scorpions and weeping centipedes by now." Balaczs added that, now that the old superstitions about curses and "evil eyes" have been proven to be wives' tales, he will not be concerned about running over old gypsy women in the future. 
Child Assured Most Monsters Do Not Exist #~# MOSCOW, ID—Four-year-old Roy MacMillan, a frequent observer of monsters in his closet, under his bed, and behind his drapes, was reassured by his parents that the vast majority of these creatures do not exist. "You're just being a silly boy—you've seen scary monsters a hundred times lately, and I'll bet you were imagining at least half of them," Roy's mother, Tracy, told her son after he rushed into their room late Monday night. "There's only room in your closet for three or four monsters, honey. Or two very, very big ones with sharp teeth and long claws." Steven MacMillan reiterated his wife's reassurances, explaining that he would certainly protect his son from all but the very biggest, strongest, meanest monsters, although those would probably be full after killing and eating Roy's mom and dad first and wouldn't come for Roy until a few months later when he's at the orphanage.
Sometimes I Wish I'd Never Been Born Again #~# Brothers and sisters, I'd like to share something with you today. Won't you let the Good News of Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ into your life? Awww, who am I kidding? Even if you did, I'd just get in the way and mess things up. 
I Kinda Had A Breakdown #~# Hola amigos. How's shit shaking out? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but misery's been flying at me from all directions, and it's been a damn full-time job to just duck out of the way of all of it. First off, I got a new gig about two months ago at Auto Zone. I stock parts, which is cool, 'cause I don't have to deal with no one at the counter. I just got to run and get some belts or batteries from the back shelves once in a while.
Scratch 'N Win Ballots To Debut In November #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to increase voter participation while generating additional revenue, several state election boards announced plans Monday to introduce new Scratch 'N Win ballots in November, giving citizens the chance to  win the right to vote in the 2006 elections.
Bush Quietly Rolls Back Iraq Death Toll To Zero #~# BAGHDAD—Nearly two weeks after President Bush's surprise visit to Iraq, the first American combat death in the region has occurred, military sources revealed Monday. "I could have sworn that almost 2,500 American servicemen and women had sacrificed their lives in this theater of operation, but the death toll counter here in my office read 'zero' this morning, and that's what we go by," said Gen. George W. Casey Jr., commander of U.S. forces in Iraq, after announcing the casualty, which took place outside Fallujah on Sunday. "No one's been in the room but myself and the president, so I guess I was mistaken. Which is a relief." The soldier whose death marked the tragic milestone, Army Spc. Jason Hopkinson of Butte, MT, will be memorialized with a monument in Arlington National Cemetery, next to the 2003 monument commemorating the previous first American to die in Iraq.
North Korea Keeps Nukes #~# North Korea recently rejected a UN resolution demanding the cessation of its nuclear weapons program.  What do you think?
U.S. Trendsetters Go On Strike #~# NEW YORK—More than 11,000 trendsetters, tastemakers, movers, and shakers gathered in Brooklyn's Williamsburg neighborhood Monday to declare a strike against the broad segment of the American population that they say routinely copies their fashions, musical tastes, and sensibilities. Should the strike persist, experts said, it could bring the pop-cultural life of the nation to a standstill. 
$18 Payment To Sponsored Child Withheld To Teach Child A Lesson #~# FAIRFAX, VA—Fairfax resident and Save-A-Child sponsor Gene Anderson withheld his monthly $18 contribution from his Zimbabwean child, Mtumbe Chigumbura, in order to teach him a lesson in responsibility.
Deadlocked Supreme Court: 'Someone's Voting Twice' #~# WASHINGTON, DC- The Supreme Court's third 5-5 vote in the past month has some justices wondering whether one of their number is voting twice. "As the highest court in the land, it's vital that the Supreme Court observes the basic rule of one vote per justice, even if it's hard to pick a side," a spokesman for Chief Justice John Roberts said. "The court will begin again on Thursday in the usual fashion, writing votes for SCOTUS case 11816, People v. Padilla and Brown, on little slips of paper, placing them into the Supreme Court voting hat, and not peeking." Observers are calling this the worst breach of court procedure since Chief Justice Warren Burger temporarily moved the court to an Arlington, VA Red Lobster for the inaugural Lobsterfest in 1983.
Hypoallergenic Cats #~# An American biotechnology will soon sell a specially engineered breed of cats that will not trigger a reaction in allergy sufferers. What do you think?
Snooping Andre Agassi Suspects Fellow Players Planning Surprise Retirement Party For Him #~# QUEENS, NY—Andre Agassi has spent the majority of his time at this week's U.S. Open snooping around the National Tennis Center and questioning fellow players about the time and location of his surprise retirement party, despite being repeatedly assured that no plans for such a party have been made. "Yesterday he stopped me in the locker room and asked me, if people weren't planning a party, where everyone was during his first-round match with Andrei Pavel," James Blake said, adding that he can tell that Agassi desperately wants the players to do something special for him. "I told him if he really wanted a party I was sure we could throw something together, but he just said I was 'doing a good job of playing along.'" Agassi claims his suspicions were confirmed when Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal stopped talking upon noticing an eavesdropping Agassi in a hat and sunglasses eating an ice-cream cone behind a nearby railing. 
Vatican Against ‘Ethical’ Stem Cells #~# A new technique of harvesting stem cells without destroying the embryos is coming under fire from the Vatican as unethical. What do you think?
Freshman Running Back Wondering If Other Four Freshmen Running Backs Were Told They'd Start This Year #~# LOS ANGELES—University of Southern California freshman running back C.J. Gable wondered at practice yesterday if head coach Pete Carroll had also told fellow freshmen running backs Kenny Ashley, Stanley Havili, Stafon Johnson, and Emmanuel Moody that they would be given the opportunity to start this year. "When I was recruited, Coach Carroll told me I was the next Reggie Bush and the team's future," a homesick and confused Gable said to his mother during a phone call. "I wonder, is that something he tells all the other freshman running backs to get them to come to USC?" Gable later assumed his worst fears were coming true when Carroll remarked that all the freshmen running backs, along with six other upperclassmen running backs, were "really cluttering up the Trojan locker room."
Al-Qaeda's No. 114 Killed On Office Depot Run #~# BALTIMORE—The FBI has announced that Jalal Dawoud, a suspected al-Qaeda lieutenant, was killed in a single-car accident while en route to procure miscellaneous office supplies Tuesday. "The DHS is proud to announce that this man, ranked No. 114 in al-Qaeda's terrorist organization, was fetching some toner and a box of gel pens, but was struck and killed before he could carry out his orders," said FBI Agent Lloyd Hopkinsen, who led a team of 36 investigators to the accident scene. "This is an important victory in the war against terror." The driver who struck Dawoud, livery cab driver and al-Qaeda's suspected No. 54 man Stefan Abu Ali, was treated for minor injuries and released from a Baltimore hospital.
T.O. In Dallas: The Next Michael Irvin Or The Next Michael Irvin? #~# DALLAS—While Cowboys fans are hailing talented, physically dominant wide receiver Terrell Owens' debut in Dallas as the coming of a new Michael Irvin, football analysts are warning that the flamboyant, outspoken locker-room distraction may instead turn out to be another Michael Irvin. "You've got to respect the talent of a player who, much like Michael Irvin before him, can't be kept out of the end zone and changes the way the game is played at his position," said Rick Gosselin, who covered Irvin's career as an eager sports columnist and reluctant police-beat reporter for the Dallas Morning News. "But no one has any respect for a big-mouthed Michael Irvin-style player who can't keep his name out of the papers and changes the way people think of the Cowboys." Former Dallas quarterback Troy Aikman, who played with Irvin in three Super Bowls, has publicly expressed belief in Owens' ability to equal at least one of Irvin's legacies, but added that no one would know until Owens lies motionless on the turf with a career-ending spinal-cord injury.
European Golfers Taking Ryder Cup Way Too Seriously, Says American Squad #~# KILDARE, IRELAND—During a press conference yesterday at the K Club, site of the 2006 Ryder Cup, Team U.S.A. captain Tom Lehman said that players on the European squad are "taking this whole international Ryder Cup golf tournament thing way too seriously." "[European captain] Ian Woosnam said he is strategically going to pick and choose which of his players play together, and then try to match them up against us so that we are at a disadvantage—something that, apparently, his players really get into," Lehman said. "Whatever happened to going out there and having a little bit of fun on the golf course? Guy's a tight-ass, I tell you." The U.S. team, which has won only one Ryder Cup in the last five years, reaffirmed that their traditionally poor performance in the event is due both to the inconvenience it poses to their schedules and to "really not giving a shit."
NFL Training-Camp Survivors Too Traumatized To Talk About Experience #~# NEW YORK—Although the ever-mounting accumulation of eyewitness testimony from battered, exhausted football players in all 32 NFL cities is vague, imprecise, and inconclusive, investigators say they are positive that, for the past several weeks, the league has been operating a brutal, grueling "camp system" with the full knowledge and consent of the NFL.
Harris: Non-Christian Politicians 'Legislate Sin' #~# Congresswoman Katherine Harris (R-FL) recently stated that separation of church and state was "a lie," and that non-Christian elected officials would "legislate sin." What do you think?
Do My Empty Threats Mean Nothing To You? #~# Lately, I've been getting the impression that you're not taking me very seriously. Yesterday, you barely even looked in my direction when I told you that when I'm through with you you'll wish you'd never been born. Well if you believe you can just tune out Greg Swanson's warnings, you've got another thing coming. So you better wise up, or I swear to God I'll eventually live up to my promise to make your life a living hell.
Misinterpreted Foreign Business Gestures #~# When working at a foreign business, it's important to learn the customs and body language of your new associates. Here are the most commonly misinterpreted gestures in other cultures, and what they mean:
Police Dog Successfully Brings Down Fugitive Frisbee #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Columbus police commended the bravery and quick instincts of Dutch, an off-duty police dog, who pursued, apprehended, and retrieved a Frisbee that temporarily escaped the grasp of a fellow officer during a department-wide summer cookout Sunday. "The flying disk spun out of my hands shortly after I took temporary custody of same from a fellow officer," said Sgt. Vincent Visceglia, who admitted that the wanted Frisbee likely could have escaped into traffic if not for Dutch's fast actions. "Somehow Dutch knew that the Frisbee was a flight risk, so much so that he later displayed some reluctance to transfer it to authorities." Dutch, who had no comment on the incident, later grudgingly accepted a decoration for valor in secondhand baby clothing from Visceglia's daughters Eve and Cynthia.
Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised address Monday, President Bush urged all citizens, regardless of race, creed, color, or political affiliation, "to quiet down for just one minute" so he could have "a chance to think." 
Girl, Smoove Will Not Be Able To Attend Your Wedding #~# Girl, while it has been almost two years since we broke apart, not a second goes by that you are not on my mind. As I have written many times in my column, the thought of you spending time naked next to this other man has caused me nothing but pain. You are my everything, girl. If we were to get back together now, we could win various awards for the ways we would sex each other up. You know this.
Survivor To Be Segregated #~# The new season of Survivor will feature four racially-segregated teams this year. What do you think?
7th Heaven Celebrates 100th Underage Drinking Episode #~# LOS ANGELES—The producers of long-running family drama 7th Heaven have announced its 100th landmark episode dealing with underage drinking. "We're proud that we're starting our first season on the new CW network with a storyline we've virtually perfected: the gravely serious problem of kids getting their hands on alcohol," Executive Producer and series creator Brenda Hampton said. "This time around, the Camdens learn a valuable lesson in forgiveness when Sam and David, the 7-year-old twins, are caught drinking Aqua Net straight from the spray-can cap." The episode will be immediately followed by a rebroadcast of the series' 100th episode concerning premarital sex.
Parasite Regrets Choosing Adam Carolla As Host #~# LOS ANGELES—Just two weeks after settling on Adam Carolla as its next host, a Los Angeles–area hookworm whose lifecycle depends on the performance of the comic personality's digestive system said it is beginning to question Carolla's ability to stay fresh and produce consistent, quality nutrients on a daily basis.
Camaro Coming Back #~# General Motors announced that, after a five-year absence, the Camaro will be re-introduced in 2009. What do you think?
Right Guy To Fuck With Identified #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—After having repeatedly been observed talking on the phone with his girlfriend, fumbling with a student-lounge vending machine, and eating egg-salad sandwiches, 20-year-old Indiana University student Winslow Fulbright was positively identified as the right guy to fuck with, acquaintances announced Tuesday. "We knew from the way he stared blankly at us when we asked him what brand maxi-pad he uses that we were not in any way about to make the biggest mistake of our lives," said sophomore Chad Irving, 19, who, along with two others, put salt in Fulbright’s Diet Coke, convinced him he’d lost all his Microsoft Word files, and incessantly mussed his hair yesterday. "We are absolutely confident that he’s the long sought-after ‘some schmuck’ who will take this shit lying down." When asked how long he was going to let the torment go on, Fulbright was interrupted every time he tried to respond.
10 O’Clock News Team Relying Heavily On Work Of 6 O’Clock News Team #~# AMARILLO, TX—Despite claims from the TV news outlet to offer "nonstop news" and "coverage you can count on," an Onion investigation has uncovered hundreds of instances in which KAMR Channel 4 10 O’Clock Eyewitness News team relied almost exclusively on news reports, weather forecasts, and even special-interest features already generated by the station’s 6 O’Clock Eyewitness News team.
Human Evolution Gene Discovered #~# Scientists have discovered the gene that causes human brains to evolve beyond those of chimps. What do you think?
Résumé Font Offends Employer #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—The decision to set his résumé in default-font Times–New Roman "deeply, personally, and irrevocably" offended a prospective employer of Seth Hershey Monday. "I look for quality, pedigree, and competency in the résumés that cross my desk, but I don't care if you founded the Harvard School of Business—if you're going to use a crap typeface like this, you might as well send me a finger painting in your own shit," said HealthBest South Associate Vice-President Dick Scottsfield shortly after hurling the document across his office in disgust. "Did he think we'd accept something like this here? Does he take me for a damn fool? If he had chosen the correct font, why, I could've even overlooked this cheap, 14-lb. cotton stock paper." Scottsfield said he intends to offer the job to the first person who uses a decent 12-point Cheltenham Book with an elegant leading.
Area Man Finally Works Up Courage To Sexually Harass Secretary #~# EASTTOWN, PA—After seven years of prolonged glances and unsatisfied desires, Scott Winters, assistant vice president for Basin Financial, threw caution to the wind Monday, finally declaring his feelings and intentions for secretary Anna Davis through a series of suggestive gestures, inappropriate remarks, and anatomically exaggerated drawings.
Bus Driver Appears To Have Had Rough Summer #~# LATROBE, PA—Latrobe area junior-high-school students on the D bus line commented Monday that bus driver Jim Shaw looked as if he had not slept or showered the entire summer. "I don't remember those bloodshot eyes, the hollow sunken look in his face, the smell of cheap cologne and sweat, or the long, dirty fingernails being there last spring," sixth-grader Jared Fox said. "And I really think he was wearing the same outfit he dropped me off in at the end of last year." When one student eventually asked Shaw how he was doing, Shaw only shook his head and muttered incoherently under his breath. 
College Freshman Already Loves It #~# BOSTON—According to roommate sources, 18-year-old Lauren Frand called her older brother, Jason, 24, just hours after being dropped off at her co-ed dormitory Sunday to tell him how much she already loves being a college student. "I was just in the dorm across the hall and we were all listening to this kid playing James Blunt songs on his acoustic guitar," said Frand, who also expressed excitement at hearing that professors rarely take attendance. "My schedule is really great because it allows me to wake up every morning at 9 a.m.—way later than I had to in high school." Frand added that she's stoked to finally be an independent adult without anyone watching out for her. 
Teacher Sees Potential In Student With Glasses #~# BALTIMORE—While taking roll during the first day of school yesterday, Algebra II teacher Gary Wandel said he thought eighth-grader Zachary McCoy, who was wearing wire-rimmed high-prescription eye glasses, had the appearance of an academic standout. "I look forward to discovering that Zach is a sophisticated, smart student who studies and loves to read," Wandel said. "I didn't assign any homework the first day, but it wouldn't surprise me if Zach decides to take a crack at the first two chapters." Wandel said he would most likely ignore the student who wore khaki pants, saying that just because a student has rich parents does not mean he should expect special treatment. 
Back-To-School Cheating Tips #~# As another school year begins, students are getting ready to face a whole new round of tests and quizzes. Here are a few simple tips on how to ace your exams without studying.
New 'Baby Weinstein' Tapes Prepare Infants For Career In Entertainment Law #~# LOS ANGELES—Zazz! Entertainment, Inc. announced Monday that sales of their Baby Weinstein series of children's DVDs, CDs, and videotapes designed to inspire children under the age of 3 to pursue careers in entertainment law reached their 3-million mark. "We're proud to be the only multimedia company featuring colorful imagery of kids pre-verbally arguing their own contracts, playing with the building blocks of major franchises, and refusing to be seen on the screen with competing babies," company founder and producer Josh Noah Levy said. "And we're currently going to court to make sure we remain the only people doing that." Despite the success of such titles as Baby Spielberg and Baby Ovitz, production halted in July after several babies made what Levy called unreasonable demands for their mommies.
Fake Outrage Over Steroid Use Reaches Fake Fever Pitch #~# NEW YORK—In the aftermath of the Tour de France doping scandal, the failed drug tests of sprinters Marion Jones and Justin Gatlin, and the near-constant scrutiny of suspected steroid user Barry Bonds, the sporting community's fabricated attitude of anger and resentment toward athletes who are caught using performance-enhancing drugs has reached an all-time high. "This is absolutely ridiculous… Don't these players know that they are not only disappointing their rabid, blindly worshipful audience, but they are running the risk of ruining their sport in the name of even more widely publicized achievement?" said Sports Illustrated columnist Rick Reilly, whose mild stirrings of actual annoyance concerning the steroid issue turned into towering fake fury over six months ago. "Is doing anything you can to succeed, even acting under false pretenses in order to pander to what you think your audience wants, the example we want to set for our children?" Reilly then felt obligated to pretend to be upset about the lax drug policies in all the major sports including the Olympics.
Mets Acquire Guillermo Mota From Indians In Daring Midnight Raid #~# CLEVELAND—Mets GM Omar Minaya announced yesterday that Guillermo Mota has checked out as healthy and relatively unscathed after being acquired last Sunday at midnight when intrepid Mets scouts used smoke grenades and the cover of a moonless night to rappel into Cleveland's Jacobs Field and acquire the 33-year-old right-hander. "We expect Guillermo to report as soon as the effects of our tranquilizer dart have worn off," said Minaya, who began planning the operation soon after Mota impressed him by beaning then-Mets catcher Mike Piazza with a pitch in the spring of 2003. "Once he comes to and realizes he's a Met, we expect his gratitude to show in a high standard of play, just like Orlando Hernandez did when we smuggled him out of the Diamondbacks camp in that laundry cart." The Indians organization has released a statement saying they will be seeking compensation in the form of a Mets player to be suddenly, swiftly, and silently named later.
Ken Griffey Jr. Diagnosed With Hamstring Cancer #~# CINCINNATI—Just days after the Reds centerfielder learned that his father Ken Sr. has prostate cancer and his mother Birdie would be undergoing surgery for colon cancer, a routine medical checkup Tuesday resulted in more bad news for Ken Griffey Jr., as doctors found a large malignant tumor on his right semitendinosus hamstring muscle. "This is the rarest and deadliest form of hamstring cancer," Reds trainer Mark Mann said. "The only way to eradicate the cancer is to go in and slice the three hamstring muscles completely in half and permanently remove them—as well as the three titanium screws holding them in place—from his leg." Next Wednesday, Griffey Jr. and Griffey Sr. are expected to become the first father-son duo to undergo chemotherapy together.
Missile Numbers Reclassified #~# The United States is reclassifying the count and locations of its Cold War nuclear missiles, information which has been in the public domain for decades. What do you think?
Yankees–Red Sox Rivalry Running Dangerously Low On Storylines #~# BOSTON—As the long-running Yankees–Red Sox rivalry nears the end of its 104th season, the popular feud that once provided fans with visceral, emotionally charged drama, larger-than-life heroes and villains, and compelling subplots carefully woven throughout its overarching story arc could only offer those who tuned in last weekend a series of five baseball contests between two American League East teams vying for first place.
Tiger Woods Credits Win To Equipment #~# MEDINAH, IL— During Sunday's post-tournament trophy ceremony at Medinah Golf Club, Tiger Woods took the opportunity to credit his 2006 PGA Championship victory to his Nike SasQuatch 460 cc Driver, Nike One Platinum Golf Ball, and his Nike Forged Blade Irons. "I didn't feel like I was swinging the club the way I wanted, but thankfully the club I was swinging was made of soft, 1030 carbon steel that gives me exceptional feel and spin control," Woods said. "I also wouldn't have made all those birdie putts if it weren't for my Scotty Cameron Studio Newport 2 Putter with standard lie and loft." Tiger will now turn his focus toward the Ryder Cup at Ireland's Kildare Golf Club, where he believes his Nike Dri-Fit Tour Glove and his waterproof Nike SP 7 Tiger Woods Tour Shoes will easily overcome any adverse weather conditions.
August 24, 1914 #~# Infectious Diseases Celebrate Opening Of Panama Canal
War-Torn Middle East Seeks Solace In Religion #~# JERUSALEM—As an uneasy truce between Israel and Hezbollah continues, millions of average men and women in the Holy Land are turning to the one simple comfort that has always seen them through the darkest days of their troubled history: the steadfast guidance of their religious faith.
Tide Of War Turns After Rumsfeld's Inspiring Barracks Pep Talk #~# BAGHDAD—With his highly touted, top-ranked team on the brink of elimination, Secretary Of Defense Donald Rumsfeld delivered an emotional, off-the-cuff barracks pep-talk to his men Monday, inspiring them to mount an offensive surge that just may turn the tide of the contest going into the second half. "Come on, boys, we're getting shelled out there, and I can't believe the shots they're getting through our defense," said Rumsfeld, growing in confidence and passion as the speech went on. "Now, I know they're playing rough, men, and you're hurt, dazed, and demoralized, but there's no way we're gonna let this thing go into overtime, are we! It ain't over yet—not even close! This is our war! Our war! Our war!" The chanting troops immediately charged out of the barracks and regained possession of 80 percent of Iraq.
National Organization For Women Turns 39 Again #~# WASHINGTON, DC—With members of its closest sister organizations insisting that "it doesn't look a day over 30," the National Organization For Women once again honored its 39th year of feminist activism Monday with a small celebration.
Child-Porn Lite #~# The New York Times has uncovered more than 200 websites featuring sexually suggestive—but clothed—pictures of children that skirt child-pornography laws.  What do you think? 
Sometimes I Feel Like I'm The Only One Trying To Gentrify This Neighborhood #~# When I moved into this neighborhood, I fell in love right away. Not with the actual neighborhood, but with its potential: It's affordable, there are nice row houses all around just waiting to be filled up by my friends, there's lot of open space to be exploited, and plenty of parking. Plus, this area has got a great authentic feel and, with a little work, it could be even more authentic. Perfect, right?
Expensive Medical Treatments #~# Many Americans with life-threatening diseases have been refusing new medical treatments, saying the high costs outweigh the benefits. Here are a few commonly rejected treatments:
Sensors Indicate You're Settin' Up For A Kickass Party #~# Well, now, would you take a gander at what a routine 10-by-50-klick sweep of the U.S.-Mexico border has turned up on both visible-spectrum and ultra-infra? Seems a group of 12 to 14 local males has assembled a promising array of edible/potable organics along with both a high-potential-energy controlled heat source and a large-capacity solid-water encapsulation right in this here topologically consistent area! By which I mean, of course, a meat-griller, a beer-chiller, and a natural dance floor. You know, if my predictive diagnostics didn't know any better, I'd say that there has the makings of one hell of a shindig.
Lawrence The T-1 Connection Guy Hit Of White-Collar Comedy Tour #~# OFFICE PARK, MD—This year's White Collar Comedy Tour, the comic festival that "dots all the I's while it crosses the business class," is selling out nationwide largely due to the moderately edgy office comedy of "Lawrence The T-1 Connection Guy"—"the thinking man's Dilbert."  "I don't care what your level of diversity training is, company policy requires you to file that under 'Humorous,'" Lawrence often quips after one of his many uproarious bits about improper middle-manager–secretarial-assistant relations. "Now, let's 'commit to increased productivity'!" Lawrence, born Emerson Huckins in Miami, OH, is currently working on his first book, tentatively titled You Don't Have To Use This Seven-Step Organizational System Of Effective But Mildly Irreverant Cheese-Movers To Work Here—But It Helps!
Court Rules Against Warrantless Wiretapping #~# A federal judge in Detroit ordered a halt to warrantless wiretapping. What do you think?
Verizon Introduces New Charge-You-At-Whim Plan #~# NEW YORK—Verizon Communications, Inc. announced a new service package for its wireless and residential customers that would charge them widely varying, but always high, fees every month depending how the communications giant feels at the time. "Our Charge-At-Whim packages offer the same mediocre quality and insufferable level of customer service you’ve come to expect," a Verizon spokesman said Tuesday. "But it adds an unjustified, arbitrary and, if you’ll allow us to boast, frankly unjustifiable method of determining just how much you’ll pay for them." Packages start at "oh, $69.99 a month, let’s say?" and went into effect about three or four months ago.
JonBenet Suspect Confesses #~# A former teacher has been arrested in Thailand for the murder of JonBenet Ramsey.  What do you think?
Child In Corner To Exact Revenge As Soon As He Gets Out #~# SEATTLE—Daniel Barriault is serving a time-out for a crime the 5-year-old claims he didn’t commit. Charged with possession of three Oreo cookies only a half-hour before supper and sentenced to a bare 8-by-12-inch bedroom corner for eight minutes, Barriault has had just one thing on his mind while waiting for his release. One thing and three people.
Snakes On A Plane #~# Snakes On A Plane, the highly anticipated Samuel L. Jackson vehicle featuring snakes on a passenger aircraft, is opening today. What do you think?
Area Man Just Ruined It For Everyone #~# MORGANTOWN, WV—Area resident Adam Poole just had to go and ruin it for everyone Wednesday after taking advantage of a long-standing privilege that, until he came along, everybody respected enough not to exploit. "We had it so good—everyone really appreciated the amount of leeway we were given, and now, because of this guy, we all have to suffer," said Andrew Schechter, who joined his peers in a long, icy glare at Poole moments after the honor had been revoked. "He says we’re overreacting, but he hasn’t been here long enough to understand what it was like before. If he thinks our silent treatment is tough, wait until we start talking about him like he isn’t even here." Though Poole said he was unaware he was taking advantage of anything, his peers informed him that he really just should have known better.
Girl Moved To Tears By 'Of Mice And Men' Cliffs Notes #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In what she described as “the most emotional moment” of her academic life, University of Virginia sophomore communications major Grace Weaver sobbed openly upon concluding Steinbeck’s seminal work of American fiction Of Mice And Men‘s Cliffs Notes early last week.
Area Man Finally Lands Dream Salary #~# LOS ANGELES—Since he was a boy, Michael Dvorak dreamed of one day earning $56,000 a year. Earlier this month, the law firm White & Case finally made that longtime dream come true, hiring Dvorak at just that salary.
Randy Johnson Asks Chien-Ming Wang For Some Pitching Advice For A Pitcher Friend Of His #~# NEW YORK—Yankees pitcher Randy Johnson asked his teammate and fellow pitcher Chien-Ming Wang Tuesday for some pitching advice that was reportedly not for him, but for a "tall, lanky, inconsistent" southpaw friend of his. "He—my friend—is having trouble because he thinks his release point is erratic," said Johnson, who as the conversation went on had to vehemently deny allegations that the person he was talking about was himself. "So, Chien, what do you think about my, er, his release point?" Wang eventually recommended that Johnson tell his "friend" that when he releases the ball too high, he loses his ability to fool left-handed hitters, and to also mention that he will have to accept that at his friend's age, his slider won't be nearly as effective as it once was.
Dikembe Mutombo Donates $15 Million Sports Arena To Congo #~# KINSHASA, DEM. REP. OF CONGO—Houston Rockets center Dikembe Mutombo fulfilled a lifelong dream Monday, announcing that he will donate a much-needed $15 million sports arena named after his deceased mother to his native Congo. "Now the poor, impoverished people of my homeland will be able to take solace in the Biamba Marie Mutombo Sporting & Convention Center, an arena which my mother always dreamed of," said Mutombo, who noted that the arena could expand to 72,500 seats for concerts and ice shows. "The BMM Center will ensure that the people of the Congo will have a chance to watch healthy competition." Tickets for the first and only sporting event scheduled for the new arena—a one-on-one basketball game between Mutombo and Hakeem Olajuwon—are on sale through Ticketmaster starting at $80 apiece. 
Cincinnati Reds Volunteer To Win NL Central #~# CINCINNATI—The Cincinnati Reds (61-58) officially put their names forward as 2006 NL Central division champions Wednesday, after sensing that if they didn't offer to finish in first place, no one would. "We just figured that the Cardinals would do it again since they've been the ones doing it the past couple years, but they don't really seem to want to this season," Reds manager Jerry Narron said. "It's been a while since we came in first, so I guess it's our turn. No way are we doing it next year, though." Narron and his team also volunteered to get swept by the Mets in the first round of the playoffs.
Brett Favre Fitted For New Suit Before Sold-Out Lambeau Field Crowd #~# ASHWAUBENON, WI—Although his critics and fans alike generally agree that NFL veteran Brett Favre is well past his prime, his ability to captivate an audience was demonstrated yet again Tuesday night when a raucous, over-capacity Lambeau Field crowd of 73,127 paid to see the Super Bowl-winning three-time MVP fitted for a new suit.
Junior Seau Retires To Spend More Time Tackling His Kids #~# SAN DIEGO—Chargers linebacker Junior Seau announced Wednesday that he would be retiring from football to spend more time tackling his two young sons Jake and Hunter and daughter Sydney. "Retirement will allow me to combine the joy of watching my children grow up with my passion for solid and aggressive contact," the 37-year-old Seau said in a press conference at Chargers training camp. "I'm really looking forward to wrapping up Sydney as she goes off on her first date, hitting Jake low on his first paper route, and blitzing little Hunter on camping trips." Seau went on to announce the creation of the Junior Seau Familial Recreation Fund, a new charitable foundation through which he will make it possible for his children to fulfill their dreams of roughhousing with a former professional athlete.
Dell Recalls 4 Million Batteries #~# In the largest consumer-electronics recall in history, Dell has been forced to call back more than 4 million laptop batteries because of possible fire danger. What do you think?
Unabomber's Possessions To Be Auctioned Off #~# Possessions of Theodore "The Unabomber" Kaczynski seized by FBI agents, including typewriters, hand tools, and a briefcase containing his diplomas, are to be put up for auction by court order. What do you think?
Rising Oil Prices #~# Oil prices climbed to over $77 a barrel following BP’s announcement that it would shut down its Prudhoe Bay oil field. Here are the other factors involved in the rising costs:
Bumper Nilla Crop Spells Profit For Wafer Growers #~# HENLY, TX—Unusually warm temperatures, regular rainfall, and innovative agricultural techniques have resulted in the third-straight record Nilla harvest, the nation's Nilla farmers report. "It's a great time to be in the cookie business," said Eugene Jesperson, shortbread magnate and three-time recipient of the Postprandial Society's Golden-Brown Medal For Excellence, during a tour of his 50,000-acre Nilla orchards Tuesday. "I haven't seen the Nilla this thick on the vine since I was a kid, and the Nilla weevils have left us alone for a while now." The bumper crop is a rare spot of good news for America's flavoring growers, who have been plagued in recent years by cinnablight, choc-o-mold, and crumb fungus.
When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back #~# Why so down in the dumps, vato? Man, you don't look so good. What happened, artillery-shell blow half your face off? What's that? You're hooked on methamphetamine? You're kidding, right? Isn't that what they used to give depressed house-pets? Well, enjoy it while you can, kid, because the novelty won't last. I promise you right now that soon enough, that little glass pipe of yours will be collecting dust in a cockroach-infested corner as you sit hunched over that traffic-sign-on-cinderblocks you use for a table, reacquainting yourself with your old powdery amigo blanco. 
Three Of Man's Closest Relationships With Brands #~# PASADENA, CA—Three of the five deepest emotional investments of local resident Ken Bowman are currently Apple, American Apparel, and Starbucks, sources close to the 27-year-old graphic designer said Monday. "American Apparel makes a strong debut this year, surging ahead of [Bowman's girlfriend] Missy [Levenson], Diesel and Tom's Of Maine," Bowman's roommate and marketing consultant Dean Childers said. "Ken's mother is still a solid number five, but Skechers is down to the seventh spot from number two last year, a drop which may spell wider implications." Missing from this year's list were Roomba, Bowman's cat Pepsi, and Childers himself.
Misremember The Alamo! #~# I can still remember a time, not so long ago, when folks actually cared about our whitewashed cultural heritage. Whatever happened to unqualified reverence for the brave men who made this country what it is today? Where are our children's larger-than-life role models? Where's our connection to the history that binds dimly remembered past to imperfect present? In these uncertain times, we must look for guidance to those halcyon days, when morality was clear, freedom was more than just a word, and good triumphed absolutely over evil, Amen. 
Celebrity Launches Own-Breasts Awareness Campaign #~# LOS ANGELES—Amid growing personal concern that the subjects are not receiving enough national attention, singer–actress Jessica Simpson announced the launch Monday of an ambitious, multimillion-dollar campaign promoting awareness of her breasts.
Paranormal Expert Bores Son With Ghost Story #~# FORT COLLINS, CO—During a father-and-son camping trip Sunday, paranormal investigator Fletcher Jensen subjected 14-year-old Jeremy Jensen to yet another account of unexplained apparitions and manifestations. "Although we could not observe verifiable poltergeist activity, the family's accounts of the incidents were quite indicative of a classic manifestation experience, and I did register what could be called unusual electronic disturbances," said Jensen, as he held a flashlight up to his face. "We were not fortunate enough to collect any actual ectoplasm, but some of the static on the videotape seems to include promising quasi-visagal images and, in my opinion, bears further interpretation." Jeremy later said that, as boring as his father's ghost stories are, they are preferable to his heart-to-heart talks about girls with his mother, a professional sex therapist.
U.S. Dedicates $64 Billion To Undermining Gates Foundation Efforts #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Bush Administration unveiled a new $64 billion spending package Monday for a joint CIA–Pentagon program aimed at neutralizing the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation's global humanitarian network.
Pluto Not A Planet? #~# Scientists from around the world are convening this week to decide whether or not Pluto fits the definition of a planet. What do you think?
Dewey Decimal System Helpless To Categorize New Jim Belushi Book #~# DUBLIN, OH—Members of the OCLC Online Computer Library Center’s Editorial Policy Committee, which oversees the Dewey Decimal System library classification system, were no closer Monday to assigning a definitive call number to the recently published Jim Belushi book Real Men Don’t Apologize. "With all due respect to the author, we remain unsure how to categorize this particular work," said committee chair Leslie Buncombe, who, despite repeated readings, still wasn’t sure if Real Men was "an actual book." "What is it? Autobiography? Self-help? We can’t even tell if it’s fiction or nonfiction," Added Buncombe: "Too bad it can’t be shelved by its ISBN number. Maybe it’s Fantasy Biography? I don’t even think there’s a code for that." If no decision is reached within the week, librarians may be forced to shelve it in the "phantom zone" between Jenny McCarthy’s book of marriage tips and novels in which a cat helps solve a mystery.
Only Guy Who Puts Paper In Copier Considers Himself A Hero #~# BOSTON—You may not know him by name, but Eric Greeley is one of a new breed of Americans making a difference. While most employees at John Hancock Security and Financial Services just use the photocopier and walk away, Greeley considers it his duty to do the right thing: to make sure the machine is stocked and ready to go at a moment’s notice.
Texas Penguin Truck Accident #~# Last week, a truck carrying exotic fish, penguins, and an octopus overturned on a Texas highway, spilling its cargo. What do you think? 
Teen Drowns Right In Middle Of Grief Counselor's First Date In Two Years #~# ANKENY, IA—In a turn of events local grief counselor Maggie Hedrick described Tuesday as "typical" and "[her] life in a nutshell," the 32-year-old’s first date since entering her 30s ended abruptly Sunday when the lifeless body of Washburn High School sophomore David Schiller was found in nearby Big Creek Lake. 
New Terror Plot Stopped #~# The country's aviation system is on high orange alert after officials broke up an al Qaeda plot to set off homemade bombs on flights from London to the U.S. What do you think?
Iraq Beheading Videos Enter Summer Reruns #~# FALLUJAH, IRAQ—After a much-watched, record-setting season, Iraqi TV's popular series of beheading videos entered summer reruns this week as the cast and producers focus on stockpiling weapons and identifying targets. "Naturally viewers are impatient for new episodes, but beheading videos don't script and tape themselves," said actor-producer-insurgent Haitham Al-Badhri, who has used his much-needed hiatus to scout new locations in Fallujah, Basrah, and even the suburbs of Baghdad. "I promise we'll have lots of excitement for all of our fans come September, including a few special surprise 'guests' you won't want to miss." Though beheading-video viewers claim the reruns lack suspense, reports indicate that summer ratings remain high.
Castro Passes Pitching Duties To Brother While Undergoing Tommy John Surgery #~# HAVANA—After struggling all year with control problems possibly related to his radical delivery, lefty Cuban hurler Fidel Castro has placed himself on the disabled list to undergo Tommy John surgery on his throwing elbow, allowing Fidel's brother Raul Castro to be called up and given his spot in the rotation. "I provisionally delegate my pitching responsibilities to my brother while I recover from this minor, common, and statistically safe surgical procedure," Fidel said in a written statement. "I have full confidence that Raul will continue our successful campaign. This is not a time to let up in our pursuit of our goals. Onward to victory!" Raul, who has spent his entire professional career in the shadow of his older and more talented brother, is said to have potential as a short reliever despite lacking Fidel's raw power.
Outgoing Commissioner Tagliabue Expected To Pardon Dennis Miller Before Leaving Office #~# NEW YORK—Although Paul Tagliabue will not address speculation concerning possible forgiveness of former color commentator Dennis Miller's heinous crimes against the sport, those close to the outgoing NFL commissioner say he is seriously considering using his powers to pardon Miller before leaving office. "Tagliabue knows that hard-line fans still want vengeance for Dennis Miller's constant clumsy references to the Battle of Thermopylae, Truman Capote novels, quantum physics, I Love Lucy, and everything else while they were just trying to enjoy Monday Night Football," said a source in NFL management who wishes to remain nameless. "In Paul's mind, the question is whether Miller's sentence is about vengeance or personal rehabilitation—not that anyone wants to see Miller on television calling a game again, if at all." An informal poll of Miller's 125 million formal victims indicated that over 85 percent would support Tagliabue if he granted Miller the death penalty. 
Ozzie Guillen Fined $10,000 For What He Just Thought #~# CHICAGO—MLB disciplinary officials announced that Ozzie Guillen would be fined $10,000 and ordered to undergo sensitivity psychoanalysis for the "irresponsible, offensive, and completely unacceptable" thoughts that passed through the White Sox manager's mind during Wednesday night's game.
Troy Aikman Becomes First Robot Inducted Into Pro Football Hall Of Fame #~# CANTON, OH—Troy Aikman, the blond, blue-sensored humanoid robot who led the Dallas Cowboys to three Super Bowls in his 12-year period of servitude with the team, became the first artificial construct to enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame Sunday. "No one who saw Dallas' Throwing/Running Offensive Yardage generator, or T.R.O.Y. as we called him around the shop, will forget his perfect mechanics or the cold, unemotional style he brought to the position of quarterbot," said former Cowboys offensive coordinator Norv Turner, who was responsible for writing Aikman's programs and who introduced Aikman during the induction ceremony. "If it were possible to feel love for a mere machine, I think everyone here would agree that we all might just love Troy Aikman." Aikman himself delivered a brief pre-recorded speech thanking all the technicians who made him possible before removing his head and upper torso, which will be displayed in the Hall of Fame alongside the busts of human players.
Ailing Buck O'Neil Fails To Gain Admission To Hospital #~# KANSAS CITY—A fatigue-stricken Buck O'Neil, the 94-year-old former Negro Leagues star, is going to be forced to spend another year patiently waiting to gain admittance into a Kansas City hospital. "Even though his vital statistics don't necessarily warrant entry, we thought he still had an excellent chance of getting in," O'Neil's friend Bob Kendrick said. "When Buck was ultimately rejected, his spirits remained high, but we all know that Buck is hurting on the inside." Kendrick added that, though O'Neil would never say so, all Buck wants is to make it into the hospital before he dies.
Lieberman Defeated in Primary #~# Challenger Ned Lamont narrowly defeated conservative incumbent Joe Lieberman in the Connecticut Democratic primary. What do you  think?
Ohio Candidate Calls It Quits #~# Congressman Bob Ney, who is under investigation for his dealings with lobbyist Jack Abramoff, has abandoned his campaign for reelection. What do you think?
No Leads Sought In Asshole's Murder #~# BROOKLYN, NY—The New York Police Department released a statement today confirming its intention to ignore the brutal slaying of local asshole Don Hewson, 34, and to avoid pursuing leads as long as possible. "Mr. Hewson was found with multiple stab and gunshot wounds in his smug fucking face and puffed-up chest, and while we recovered a number of weapons, we are neither testing them for prints nor tracing any serial numbers," Detective Travis Calloway said. "Nor will we follow up on the explicit eye-witness descriptions of the car seen leaving the scene, the calls to Hewson's phone, or interview the scores of people who had good reason to want this guy dead. There may have been a murder here, but we're having a hard time identifying any actual crime." Calloway said anyone calling NYPD's crime hotline with information on the murder would be eligible for fines of up to $10,000.
Having A Gardener Is A Wonderful Hobby #~# If you had asked me three years ago if I was ever going to have a gardener, I probably would have thought you were out of your tree. Sure, I loved the idea of lush greenery and fresh vegetables, but in my mind, it was simply not worth the finding the time and expending all the effort to deal with a gardener every day from spring till fall: way too much hassle. Nothing seemed more tiring than having to figure out what my gardener was going to have to plant and where to order him to plant it—all the countless headaches of getting someone to take care of the garden just seemed overwhelming. To say nothing of the hours and hours I'd have to put in under the deck umbrella watching his every move, making sure every last detail was exactly as I wanted it. Everything about it just screamed "No, thanks!"
Condoleezza Rice Holds Bathtime Talks With Undersea Representatives #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice called developments "encouraging" on the first day of diplomatic talks with representatives from the underwater kingdom of Rubba Dubdub, which were held in the spacious bathtub of Rice's private D.C. residence on Monday. 
Area Man To Attend Grad School To Find A Girlfriend #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Citing a lack of opportunities after a year in the outside world, Jacobean drama student Mark Griffin has decided to return to school to pursue a master's degree in his major subject, and a potential mate. "My main ambition is finding someone I actually care about right now, and the opportunities just aren't there in the corporate world," Griffin, 24, said Tuesday from the University of Michigan's Shapiro Library. "Or, I may just still have a lot to learn about women, so, either way, grad school's the right choice." Griffin declined to comment on the fact that, in his first six years at college, he was employed in only two gainful romantic positions.
My Use Of Simile Sucks As Bad As The River Tide #~# I consider myself a pretty eloquent guy. My grasp of communication is as tight as a three-dollar slipknot. I've been told my diction's clear as strychnine. Heck, I'd even go so far as to say I'm akin to the red wine of conversationalists. But when it comes to relating two seemingly dissimilar things, often with the conjoining words "like" or "as," I'm as hopeless as a springtime frog-fryer.
New Oliver Stone 9/11 Film Introduces 'Single Plane' Theory #~# NEW YORK—Academy Award-winning director Oliver Stone said Monday that his new film World Trade Center unveils "compelling and controversial" new evidence that a single plane was responsible for all four collisions in New York, Washington, D.C., and Pennsylvania on Sept. 11, 2001. 
Wounded Marine: Friendly-Fire Bullets Hurt That Much More #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Recovering at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington after taking multiple rifle rounds in his thigh and hip in an encounter with friendly forces outside the Iraqi city of Baquba last month, Marine Lance Cpl. Carver Jefferson says being shot by one's own forces only increases the pain. "When you catch a bullet, it hurts, naturally," said Jefferson, who is not allowed to reveal the details of what happened at the checkpoint he and 13 other Marines were guarding when they came under fire from an Army reconnaissance squad.  "But when you're shot by a fellow American, it hurts on the inside. More, I mean." Jefferson said that Pat Tillman, the former NFL player turned Army Ranger killed in a friendly-fire incident in 2004, surely suffered a shot to the heart when his own men shot him repeatedly in the head and abdomen. 
Minimum Wage Hike Blocked #~# Senate Democrats blocked a bill last week that would raise the minimum wage, but would also cut the estate tax on multi-million-dollar estates.  What do you think?
Prohibitively High Rocket-Fuel Prices Bring Mideast Crisis To Standstill #~# BEIRUT, LEBANON—As the cost of rocket fuel soared to $630 per gallon Monday, Middle Easterners who depend on the non-renewable propellant to power 10-kilogram rockets have been forced to severely restrict their daily bombing routines, bringing this latest round of fighting to an unexpected halt.
Loud Fake Laugh Misinterpreted As Loud Real Laugh In Critical Sarcasm Miscalculation #~# DAYTON, OH—Confusion and awkwardness are still being felt after a boisterous guffaw intended to convey sarcastic dismissal of a comment was incorrectly interpreted as a positive response by the very person who was being mocked Tuesday. "My laughter led the speaker to infer that I was expressing approval and delight at his statement, and he therefore came away believing that I was supporting said statement when I was in fact ridiculing it," Clayton Obermeyer said of his remarks to coworker Derek Havers. "However, despite my heartfelt desire to puncture the arrogance of the speaker, an unfortunate opposite reaction seems to have taken hold." Obermeyer said he was really looking forward to attempting to explain the nature of sarcasm to Havers, because he was just so sure that the absolute genius would completely grasp every last word without the slightest little bit of trouble whatsoever.
Bush Designates USA Today "Small Business" #~# The Bush administration designated several large companies, including media giants USA Today and the Associated Press, as small businesses, thus inflating the administration's record for helping small companies. What do you think?
Abusive Husband Has Sense Of Humor About It #~# CARUTHERSVILLE, MO—It would be easy for abusive husband Glenn Osteen to complain. Out of breath, fists bruised and bloodied from repeated strikes against bone, one would almost expect the 39-year-old to surrender to frustration, to scream out in anger and demand that his wife unlock the bathroom door. Fortunately, Osteen's learned the secret to getting through rough times: a sense of humor.
Executive Reschedules Wife's Birthday For October #~# ST. LOUIS—Citing crucial budget meetings, the rollout of a seasonal ad blitz, and several can't-miss golf games, Hewlett–Packard Director Of Regional Marketing Randall Fulmer has tentatively re-slated his wife's birthday next Tuesday for early or late October. "Nancy—just too much on plate to give you an hour in re: your DOB anytime in the next 60 to 90 days," Fulmer's assistant wrote in an email to Mrs. Fulmer Monday. "Suggest we try to squeeze it in between late-Sept. conference and mid-Oct. reorganizational period. Thoughts?" Although Fulmer would not reveal the exact content of his wife's reply, he reportedly instructed his assistant to set aside time in early August to accommodate his wife's disappointment.
Drunken Gibson Offends Cops #~# After being pulled over, actor Mel Gibson went on a drunken tirade in which he blamed the Jews for being the cause of all the wars and referred to a female officer as "Sugar Tits." What do you think?
Experts: 'Derek Jeter Probably Didn't Need To Jump To Throw That Guy Out' #~# BRISTOL, CT—Baseball experts agreed Sunday that Derek Jeter, who fielded a routine ground ball during a regular-season game in which the Yankees were leading by five runs and then threw it to first base using one of his signature leaps, did not have to do that to record the out. "If it had been a hard-hit grounder in the hole or even a slow dribbler he had to charge, that would've been one thing," analyst John Kruk said during a broadcast of Baseball Tonight. "But when it's hit right to him by [Devil Rays first-baseman] Greg Norton, a guy who has no stolen bases and is still suffering the effects of a hamstring injury sustained earlier this year… Well, that's a different story." Jeter threw out Norton by 15 feet and pumped his fist in celebration at the end of the play. 
Matt Leinart Demands Cardinals Hold Training Camp At His House #~# PHOENIX—Arizona Cardinals first-round draft pick Matt Leinart has stunned the team by not only holding out on signing his rookie contract but demanding that training camp be moved to the more convenient location of his house. "I don't see why we have to go to all the way up to Flagstaff for camp. What do we need? A pool? Because I've got a pool. And some weights, and a 72-inch plasma television for, like, film study," the Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback told coach Dennis Green Wednesday. "And, oh, I just got this huge dining-room table that'd be great for drawing up plays, or even just, you know, chowing down." Football experts consider it unlikely that Cardinals management will accommodate Leinart, especially after strongly considering but ultimately rejecting his previous suggestion that the team play all its home games in Los Angeles.
Harold Reynolds Tests Positive For Elevated Levels Of Testosterone #~# BRISTOL, CT—A week after firing Harold Reynolds for sexual harassment, ESPN reported that the Baseball Tonight analyst failed a routine daily-interaction-with-women test, and alleged that an unusually high level of testosterone in Reynolds' body was responsible for his shocking come-from-behind performance. "Although it is unclear whether Harold was taking any extra testosterone, his actions indicate that he is unable to even handle the level of testosterone normally present in his system," said Dr. Jerry Alderson, chairman of the World Anti-Groping Agency. "Nobody wants this kind of player in the workplace." Reynolds could not be reached for comment, but is reportedly seeking a job at Fox Sports Network's Best Damn Sports Show Period.
Toronto Raptors Sign Unusually Tall Man #~# TORONTO—Toronto Raptors GM Bryan Colangelo announced Friday that his team had signed 6-foot-11 Slovenian forward Uros Slokar, a man Colangelo called "very tall, especially when you consider the height of a normal human being." "The average height of a Canadian male is 5 feet 10 inches, and as you can see, Uros far exceeds that," an excited Colangelo said. "I think Uros will fit right in with the other uncommonly tall men we have on our team." Colangelo added that exceptional height is the main, and sometimes only, quality he looks for in his basketball players. 
Report: Your Favorite Player Took Steroids #~# NEW YORK— Representatives from Major League Baseball, the National Football League, the National Basketball Association, the National Hockey League, and several other major sporting organizations announced Tuesday that a study conducted by an independent agency has determined that your personal favorite player "almost certainly" took steroids if he or she played at any point during the past 150 years.
August 5, 1914 #~# War Declared By All
Nation Faces Record Heat #~# A devastating heat wave that began in the Southwest is moving through the Midwest and East, racking up record-breaking, triple-digit temperatures. What do you think?
Report: Meat Now America's No. 2 Condiment #~# CHICAGO—Though once defined as just a stand-alone meal, meat has risen quickly up the ranks to become the nation’s second most popular condiment, according to a study released by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. 
I Demand Justice-Themed TV Dramas #~# Fellow citizens, every time I turn on the television, I am ashamed of what I see. I see a society where the innocent are brutalized by the powerful. I see a culture of corruption and exploitation in which the weak are preyed upon by the greedy. We need a return to the core values of social responsibility. We must unite our voices and demand that society's wrongs be righted, before our priorities as a people are forgotten forever. 
Ladies, This Is As Handsome As I'm Going To Get #~# Women between the ages of, say, 19 and 40, if I can have your attention for a brief moment, I would like to present something to you: me! I just got this new shirt back from the cleaners, I showered and shaved, and I'm sporting a nice new haircut. They even put some gel in it. I got plenty of sleep last night and the light in here at this moment is just right. This is me in my prime. I'm looking sharp and feeling fine. Be warned, though, it's all going to be downhill from here on out. So who among you is going to be the one to take a crack at this?
Starfucker Gives Stephen Baldwin A Hand Job #~# LOS ANGELES—Celebrity Mole star Stephen Baldwin said he enjoyed having his genitals manually manipulated Saturday at a Veronica Mars after-party by a woman known to engage in intercourse with A-list celebrities. "I could tell this chick remembered me from The Flintstones," Baldwin told a visibly indifferent National Examiner reporter Tuesday. "So I just turned on the charm, stuck to the old guns, and a couple hours later, we're behind the poolhouse and one of her hands is totally down my pants." The woman in question could not be reached for comment and was last seen leaving the party in the company of David Caruso. 
Cuban Leadership Passed To Castro's Brother #~# Cuban leader Fidel Castro, 80, will for the first time temporarily hand over power to his brother, Raul, while he recovers from gastrointestinal surgery. What do you think?
Woman In Coffee Shop Judges A Record 147 People #~# PORTLAND, OR—Clarissa Nantz, a clothing buyer for Nordstrom's and a coffee-shop regular, broke her own record for judgmental behavior when she judged 147 fellow customers, passersby, and motorists in an almost constant stream of criticism during the 25 minutes it took her to enjoy a soy-mocha frappachesso at Portland's Eagle's Roast Monday. "Oh, God, lady, who cuts your hair—you? And nice laugh, by the way. That must really get them rolling back at the barnyard," said Nantz, whose previous under-her-breath-judgments record was 134. A young man dressed in a secondhand bowling shirt, a woman who poured several Splendas into her fat-free latte, and an elderly man with a broken leg were similarly unspared. Nantz is poised to break her record Sunday at her husband's family reunion.
Universal Health Care For San Francisco #~# The San Francisco Board of Supervisors recently passed a measure to make free health care available to all of the city's uninsured.  What do you think?
Critics Accuse Joe Biden Of Running For President For Political Reasons #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Veteran presidential candidate Sen. Joseph Biden (D-DE) is once again facing criticism that his bid for the nation's highest office is based solely on political reasons. "This campaign is nothing more than a naked power-grab by a man who wants only to pursue his own leadership agendas by heading the nation's executive branch," said Stephen F. Hayes, a senior writer for The Weekly Standard, on NBC's Meet The Press. "Don't be fooled: Biden's ambitions also include exercising veto power over Congress, appointing Supreme Court justices, and even assuming the rank of commander-in-chief of our armed forces if it means he can exert his will over national policy." Biden, who encountered similar accusations during his first presidential run in 1988, once again declined to respond to the allegations, only saying that he wished to make America a stronger nation and a better place to live. 
Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant More Power To Self #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a decisive 1–0 decision Monday, President Bush voted to grant the president the constitutional power to grant himself additional powers.
New Air-Travel Guidelines #~# U.S. airlines are now allowing small quantities of fluids onto airplanes. What do you think?
Native Bostonians Unable To Defend Land From Invading College Students #~# BOSTON—The now-monthlong invasion carried out by more than 200,000 college students who bombarded this normally quiet, historic city has forced native Bostonians to relinquish their rights as citizens and settle into a new life under occupation. 
Senate Wins Fight To Lower Allowable Amperage Levels On Detainees' Testicles #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Led by a bipartisan group of senators critical of White House policy on suspected terrorists, the Senate passed a bill Thursday that prohibits interrogators from exceeding 100 amps per testicle when questioning detainees. "Even in times of war, it is counterproductive and wrong to employ certain inhumane interrogation techniques, and using three-digit amperage levels on the testicles of captives constitutes torture," said Sen. John Warner (R-VA), who has also supported reducing the size of attack dogs and the height of nude pyramids. "Using amperages of 99 and lower, with approved surge protectors on the jumper-cable clamps, are the hallmarks of a civilized society." The legislation did not address amperage restrictions on suspected terrorists' labia.
Small Businessman Conducts Business On Miniature Golf Course #~# BURLINGTON, VT—Independent entrepreneur Phil Beenes secured yet another low-three-figure business contract for his four-person commercial cleaning proprietorship on the same miniature golf course where he seals most of his biggest deals, Beenes announced Monday. "To me, a few holes at Pizza Putt is a great way to loosen up my clients and start working my schmooze magic," Beenes said. "And I'm not above purposefully missing the sphinx's mouth or hitting the windmill blade if it means closing a deal to wash deli aprons. I just do what I have to do." Beenes added that he also wasn't opposed to the presence of "a little social lubricant," often finding it beneficial to hash out the fine print over a round of soft drinks.
Bud Selig Nervously Informs Ozzie Guillen That White Sox Aren't Making Playoffs #~# CHICAGO—With the regular season winding down and the White Sox seven games out of first place, a sweating, visibly shaking Bud Selig entered Ozzie Guillen's office Monday to tell the notoriously proud, hot-tempered manager that his team had been eliminated from playoff contention. "Excuse me, Ozzie, or Mr. Guillen, whichever you prefer… Well, Mr. Guillen, sir, I'm afraid I need to tell you something, and well, it's about the whole October thing and the Twins and the Tigers and the playoffs start soon and…" the commissioner reportedly said before leaning on Guillen's desk and accidentally knocking over a picture frame and a can full of pencils. "The whole league, I just want you to know, we were all really pulling for you, really all year, just thought you were doing a tremendous job, and, well… Okay, well, I'm going to leave now. See you in… April, then?" Selig later announced that, due to a miscommunication, the White Sox would be facing the Yankees in the first round of the playoffs, and promised that he "will definitely make it up to the Tigers next year."
Trevor Hoffman: 'I Want To Be A Hall Of Famer Right Now' #~# SAN DIEGO—Moments after recording his 479th career save Sunday, placing him ahead of Lee Smith as baseball's all-time saves leader, Padres closer Trevor Hoffman demanded that Major League Baseball immediately induct him into the Hall of Fame. "I've worked my ass off for 14 years to get to this point, and now you're telling me I have to retire and then wait five more years before I get the chance to be recognized for my accomplishments?" Hoffman said. "Bullshit, gimme my plaque." After the game, Hoffman wished his teammates good luck in the playoffs, and informed bystanders that he was "heading out to Cooperstown tonight if anyone wants to hear my speech."
Frank Thomas Credits Recent Power Surge To Steroids #~# OAKLAND, CA—After two seasons marked by nagging injuries and sub-par home-run totals, Frank Thomas credited his career rejuvenation and rediscovered power stroke "strictly to my weekly cycle of injecting myself with anabolic steroids." "People ask me all the time what's my secret, how have I stayed in such good shape and been so consistent this season, and I tell them the same thing every time: It's the steroids," said Thomas, who has 19 homers and a league-high 62 RBI since the All-Star break. "I give the steroids all the credit. It's not even just the muscle and the power, but the confidence I have when I step up to the plate knowing I have a total competitive advantage. I just wish I knew about this miracle drug earlier in my career." MLB officials later announced that, should Thomas test positive for steroid use in a random drug test before season's end, his punishment would be significantly reduced for being open and honest about it beforehand.
Uwe Boll Boxes Critics #~# Uwe Boll, director of the critically reviled House of the Dead, recently took on four of his critics in a boxing ring in Canada. What do you think?
Seahawks Asked To Stop Piping Screams Of Terrified Women Into Qwest Field #~# SEATTLE—Following multiple complaints from teams who have had to endure both the much-touted, 100-decibel "12th Man" fan noise and the artificially amplified, 135-decibel shrieks of tortured women in pain while playing at Seattle's Qwest Field, the NFL has asked the Seahawks front office to refrain from piping in the sound effects during future home games. "It is unfair not only to the visiting team and their fans, both of whom have a right to expect hospitality and consideration of the Seattle football club, but to the women who must endure such physically insulting treatment in order to make these disturbing recordings," the statement from the NFL's Competition Committee read in part. "Furthermore, if the screams of these women turn out not to be recordings, there may be the matter of fines to consider." NFL officials and Seattle law-enforcement personnel have detained Qwest Field audio engineer Fred Miscera for questioning concerning the recent disappearance of several Seahawks cheerleaders.
Overjoyed Saints Fans Tear Roof Off Reopened Superdome #~# NEW ORLEANS—Over 70,000 elated New Orleans Saints fans celebrated the first professional football game to take place in the newly renovated Superdome since Hurricane Katrina Monday night by joyously rushing from their seats onto the field, ripping down the goal posts, destroying the playing surface, and trampling three people to death after the Saints' 23-3 win over the Atlanta Falcons.
Nation Sickened By Sight Of Happy Young Couple #~# OAK PARK, IL—Though sharply divided on the war on terror and domestic controversies such as abortion, drugs, and gay marriage, Americans are in almost unanimous agreement over one issue: that Oak Park, IL couple Dave Petrun and Julie DeSimone are totally sickening.
Opposition To John Bolton #~# John Bolton's temporary appointment as U.S. ambassador to the U.N. expires in January. This is what he's done to recently cause renewed opposition from both parties:
More TVs Than People #~# The average American home now contains more televisions than people. What do you think?
A Career In Business Isn't For Every Gender #~# I've been in this field a long time. I've seen what it can do to someone who's not thick-skinned enough to bear the slings and arrows, and believe me, it's not pretty. The business world can be a cold and unforgiving place, and to make it here, you've got to be one tough cookie. It may sound harsh, but the truth is, not every gender's cut out for this line of work.
New Job Posting On Craigslist Clearly For Secretary Of The Interior #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Despite the lack of denial or confirmation from the White House, a job posting in the "admin/office" section of the Washington Craigslist site strongly suggests the Cabinet–level post of Interior Secretary. "WANTED: TEAM PLAYER WILLING TO GO AGAINST THE TIDE—FAMILIARITY WITH NATIONAL PARKS A PLUS," read the listing. "Position involves interaction with lumber- and oil-company executives, Smokey Bear, President of United States of America, and may involve occasional outdoor work. Lotus Notes and WordPerfect a plus." In 2005, President Bush and Congress were criticized for hiring Jim Nicholson, the Secretary Of Veterans' Affairs, after it was revealed that Nicholson answered a classified advertisement in the back of Soldier Of Fortune magazine.
My Bloodline Would Mix Well With That Of An Advanced Reptilian Race #~# I guess you could say I've always been a status-conscious person. But I'm not one of these "to the manor born" types who, despite looking and talking like a regular human being, is actually one of an ancient race of lizard aliens residing on another plane of reality who have secretly controlled mankind since the dawn of time. However, that doesn't mean I can't still seek to improve my standing in the New World Order. Warm-blooded though I may be, I remain a viable candidate, and I firmly believe that, given the chance, my particular DNA would mix well with that of an advanced reptilian species bent on subsuming humans to its unknowable will.
Senatorial Candidate Challenges Opponent To Drop Out Of Race #~# HELENA, MT—As Montana's Senate race heats up in its final weeks, Democrat Jon Tester has challenged his opponent, incumbent Republican Conrad Burns, to prove his commitment to his principles and to the people of Montana by dropping out of the race. "You have said time and again, Mr. Burns, that small governments best serve society," said Tester during a speech before a prominent cattle-ranching group Monday. "If you believe what you say, then I challenge you: Prove your convictions by dropping out of this race, or be known as another politician who refuses to live by his word." Burns responded to the challenge by issuing a counter-challenge calling upon his rival to limit all campaign spending from now until election night to zero.
War Makes U.S. Less Safe #~# A recent National Intelligence Estimate report found that the war in Iraq has in fact increased Islamic extremism and the overall threat of terror. What do you think?
Report: Iranian Science Teachers May Be Enriching Students #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A recently released Pentagon report is raising new worries that Iran has been operating several large facilities designed solely for the purpose of enriching mass quantities of high-grade students.
$2 Billion Environment Pledge #~# Richard Branson, the eccentric head of the Virgin Group, has pledged two billion dollars to fight global warming. What do you think?
Struggling Blockbuster Eliminates Rental Fees #~# FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Blockbuster, the flagging video-store giant that has recently resorted to eliminating late fees and waiving replacement fines for lost or damaged movies, announced Monday that it would also be doing away with its long-standing rental charges in an attempt to stay competitive in the ever-changing home-video business.
Beekeeper Slowly Becoming Bee Hoarder #~# TULSA, OK—Neighbors of 68-year-old Eugenia Holmes said Monday that they fear that the veteran beekeeper has slowly transformed her once-disciplined passion for apiculture into out-and-out bee hoarding. "Every square inch of Holmes' place is stacked floor-to-ceiling with hives, smokers, netting, honeycombs, and swarm upon swarm of bees," said neighbor Dick Uckelman, who alerted Tulsa police after noticing a 12-foot wide, three-inch deep honey slick oozing into the street from under the foundation of Holmes' house. "I'm worried she may become one of those 'crazy bee ladies' you hear about." While bee hoarding is not illegal in and of itself, complaints of buzzing, stings, and rampant cross-pollination in Holmes' neighborhood are up nearly 200 percent from last year.
TBS Once Again Leads All Networks In Leslie Nielsen Ratings #~# ATLANTA—For the ninth consecutive year, the Turner Broadcasting System once again leads all broadcast and cable networks in the Leslie Nielsen ratings, according to data released by the Leslie Nielsen Media Research organization Monday. "With repeated broadcasts of such top Nielsen-share draws as Airplane!, The Naked Gun trilogy, and Dracula: Dead And Loving It, TBS once again maintains its forefront in bluff, hapless television," media writer Mark Schaffer said. "Spike TV and USA still maintain their distant second and third place." Over 2,000 households a year are chosen to participate as Nielsen families and receive a bland-looking monitoring unit that blinks affably, falls off the top of the TV at inappropriate moments, and frequently bungles its simple data-transmission tasks.
Bloodless Thai Coup #~# Thailand went through a bloodless coup while the President was out in the United States to address the United Nations. What do you think?
Crack Dealer Only Tenant Landlord Can Depend On For Rent #~# CULVER CITY, CA—Despite owning 15 units in the central Los Angeles area, landlord Marceline Brown can only count on receiving on-time rent payments from one of her tenants: full-time crack dealer Nathan “Buck” Cruz, 24.
Pectoral Muscles Targeted By Fitness Fundamentalists #~# SANA'A, YEMEN—A videotaped statement shown Monday on Yemeni television provides the most conclusive evidence yet that the Muslim bodybuilding extremist group al-Huuruugh has acquired dumbbells from an unknown source and could use them to target vulnerable, undeveloped muscle groups in their pectoral region. "I call upon the world to stand witness as I violently and repeatedly blast these pecs, purifying and rebuilding them into a shape pleasing to Allah!" a masked, shirtless weightlifter said in the tape, over the strains of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing." "Seven! Eight! Nine! God is great, and so are my pecs, trapezius muscles, lower back, and abs! Thirteen! Fourteen! The great Satan Of Flab will soon feel the burn!" State Department officials said the group is almost certainly a danger to themselves if they do not use better form and stretch thoroughly afterward.
Maurice Clarett Shows Up Late For Prison Camp #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett began his new career as an inmate with the Ohio state prison system by showing up over eight hours late for his first day at Chillicothe State Correctional Camp, a move that did not sit well with officials. "For a rookie in our system to start out like this is a big mistake, to put it mildly," said warden Samuel Gordon, who had been looking forward to overseeing the eight-year deal for aggravated assault Clarett plead guilty to on Tuesday. "Your best bet around here is to blend in, keep your head down, and toe the line at roll call and during cell searches. Act like you're above the law around here and you'll soon find out how wrong you are." Chillicothe management has already taken steps to curtail Clarett's undesirable behavior by assigning him to room with Curtis "Big Sweetie" McCulloch, a 12-year veteran known for his prowess in breaking in new recruits.
Alfonso Soriano Regrets Joining 40-40 Club After Meeting Other Members #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Upon recording his 40th stolen base of the season, in addition to his 45 home runs, and gaining entry into baseball's exclusive 40-40 club, Nationals left-fielder Alfonso Soriano said that after meeting the other three members—Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, and Alex Rodriguez—he now understands why no one has joined in the past eight years. "From all I had heard, this club was going to give me the opportunity to be among the greats of the game, but it turns out there's only three guys here, and one of them—this big, dumb guy who I still have no idea how he got in—kept asking me what kind of steroids I take and if I knew anyone else who took them," Soriano said. "I thought this was supposed to be an elite club, but it looks like they'll let just about any asshole in." Soriano later announced plans to reach the 50-50 plateau as soon as possible so he could "get out before A-Rod asks [him] for some help with his swing again."
Koren Robinson Promises His Next Drunk-Driving Incident Will Outdo Steve Foley's #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Troubled Packers wide receiver/kick returner Koren Robinson reacted to news of San Diego Chargers' linebacker Steve Foley's shooting during a recent DUI arrest by promising fans that his own upcoming alcohol-fueled rampage would eclipse Foley's. "Mark my words, man, Foley's .233 blood-alcohol level don't mean nothin' to a veteran like me," said Robinson, who was recently acquired by the Packers after a drunk-driving arrest prompted his release from the Minnesota Vikings. "Now, getting shot three times is pretty good, but believe me, the way they're gonna have to bring me down? National news a week straight, believe it." Despite his guarantee, Robinson would not comment on whether he had set his sights on surpassing Lawrence Taylor's all-time carousing legacy.
Roger Clemens Evidently Pretending To Pitch For New York Yankees #~# HOUSTON—According to Houston fans, media, and fellow players, Roger Clemens is clearly pretending that he is a member of the playoff-bound New York Yankees, and not the third-place Astros team for which he actually pitches. "He's always referring to 'that series with the Red Sox,' saying that he's confident this is the year we lock up No. 27 for these great fans in the Bronx, and he spent all Wednesday celebrating, spraying champagne all over the place, and shouting 'We clinched the AL East!'" said Astros catcher Brad Ausmus, whom Clemens reportedly refers to as "Jorge" during their meetings on the mound. "I want to break it to him that he's not a Yankee, but I'm afraid that it's the only thing that keeps him going at this point." When asked about the Astros' chances of earning the wild-card berth, Clemens said that "they've got a good team over there, and even though their pitching has been weaker since that blockbuster trade at the deadline, it would be a thrill for this native Texan to face his hometown team in the World Series."
Reggie Bush Claims He Made $100,000 Through USC Work-Study Program #~# NEW ORLEANS—Saints running back and former Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush refuted charges Monday that he accepted gifts, money, and other benefits exceeding $100,000 in value while playing football for the University of Southern California, claiming he earned that money "fair and square through constant hard work" at various on-campus work-study jobs.
Willie Nelson Busted For Pot #~# Willie Nelson was issued a citation Monday for possession of marijuana and psychedelic mushrooms. What do you think?
Pope Apologizes To Muslims #~# Pope Benedict has apologized for offending Muslims in a speech he gave in Germany last week. What do you think?
My Grief Has Taken The Form Of Go-Karting #~# After my wife died, my whole world was torn apart. I had never faced such a devastating loss, and I didn't know how to cope. I found myself walking around the house like a zombie, trying to comfort my children while taking call after call from concerned relatives. Still, I felt vacant. But the morning after she passed, a light bulb went on over my head. And that light bulb illuminated a tiny car speeding down a blacktop track. That's when I knew where I would learn to feel whole again, where I could start to pick up the pieces, where I might at last find peace: the go-kart track.
I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I'll Fuck My Way Out #~# I'll say it. I like to fuck. I do it a lot. And sometimes it gets me into unfortunate situations. Like right now. Right now I am royally fucking fucked.
Super Priest Can Turn Anything Into Body, Blood Of Christ #~# TAOS, NM—Father Thomas Mandow appears to be a simple, mild-mannered parish priest, but his remarkable faith and surpassing holiness have bestowed him with the awesome power to transform just about anything into the body and blood of Jesus Christ. "I can state, without indulging myself in the sin of pride, that I have been blessed with the ability to convert anything into a Communion sacrament—which must be used for good—and then be partaken of in remembrance of our Lord and Savior," said Mandow in a press conference where he displayed a transubstantiated 24-piece bucket of chicken, a 64-oz. Mountain Dew bottle, and the September 2 issue of Sports Illustrated. "Although I would not advise eating all of these items for reasons having nothing to do with their intrinsic holiness." Mandow believes he received the dangerous gift of super-consecration after being bitten by a radioactive bishop.
Massive Tag Body Spray Slick Spreading From Jersey Shore #~# TOMS RIVER, NJ—A weekend spillage of Tag Body Spray being described as the worst personal fragrance-related natural disaster in the history of the Eastern Seaboard continued to spread along New Jersey's Atlantic shore late Tuesday morning as disaster-management crews worked to contain the slick before it reached international waters.
Home Sales Dropping #~# For the third straight month, sales on preexisting homes dropped, leading realtors to call it a "buyer's market." Here are some strategies sellers are using to entice buyers:
2nd Autopsy For Anna Nicole's Son #~# A second autopsy will be performed on Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son who died at her bedside while she was hospitalized in the Bahamas. What do you think?
Mister Rogers' Neighborhood Gerrymandered To Serve King Friday's Make-Believe Agenda #~# MISTER ROGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD, PA—A plan to radically redistrict Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood to further cement the control of the powerful King Friday XIII political machine is expected to pass this week and deeply affect current taxation structure, voting patterns, and services. "Meow-me-meow can't afford meow property tax as it stands now meow, and meow don't want everything I've worked for to be destroyed meow," said one resident, who asked to remain anonymous. Among the anticipated changes are sharp cutbacks in speedy deliveries, the elimination of trolley routes to such low-income districts as Someplace Else and the platypus mound, as well as the destruction of the Museum-Go-Round to make room for a massive new headquarters for The Electric Company.
New Bill Would Defend Marriage From Sharks #~# WASHINGTON DC—Senator Bill Frist (R–TN) introduced a controversial new bill Tuesday that would severely limit the ability of sharks to "mutilate the institution of marriage until it is completely unrecognizable."
Man Psyches Self Out During Selection Of Ice-Cream Flavor #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Tallahassee resident Hannibal Grant found himself "paralyzed" by the sheer immensity of ice-cream options available to him at a local Cold Stone Creamery Monday, sources close to Grant report. "I was ready to pick out just one nice flavor of ice cream without second guessing what might be good and what was more of a risk, but there's—they have over fortysomething flavors," said an exasperated Grant, who eventually returned home empty-handed after a self-imposed order-line delay of 26 minutes. "Chocolate cream, mint chocolate-chip, chocolate chunks, white chocolate, just to name a few. And I don't even like chocolate." Grant is expected to recover well enough to return to his job as a research librarian by Friday.
Horse Meat Banned #~# Congress has banned the slaughter of horses for meat, calling the process "barbaric." What do you think?
Uninvited Guest Rapper Ruins Album #~# BRONX, NY—Despite already having lent his vocals to six of the 10 tracks on Fat Joe’s latest album and drinking every can of Red Bull in the recording room’s mini-fridge, uninvited guest rapper Lil Wayne continued to miss repeated hints that he should "hit the fucking curb," the Atlantic recording artist and 36-year-old Bronx native said Tuesday.
Author Too Much Of A Pussy To Kill Off Characters #~# MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In what many in the literary world are decrying as a violation of the sacred bond between author and readers, Benjamin Webb's much-anticipated second novel, In Winter's Shadow, a follow-up to his acclaimed debut Autumn's End, has met with abject disdain from critics and readers feeling exhausted and betrayed by Webb's tendency to "puss out" when it comes to ending the lives of any of his characters.
Senile Mother A Broken Novelty Record #~# HUNTLEY, NE—The constant chatter of vascular dementia–afflicted Sophia Chandler, 88, has become a "broken novelty record" to the family members who care for her, Chandler's daughter Jane LeNoir said Tuesday. "All day long, it's 'I'm cold,' or 'Where's my husband? Is he dead?' or 'Janie, the airplanes are stopping over our house and the people are looking down my blouse' in the same scratchy tone," LeNoir, 59, said. "Then, a few minutes later, it starts again. Although sometimes she totally flips and starts in on 'Eight-Eyed Emily' or 'King Of The Dung Beetles.'" LeNoir said the condition is expected to get worse when Chandler's recently diagnosed Parkinson's disease really kicks in and her voice begins skipping unpredictably.
Care For 9/11 Illness #~# People who worked or lived near Ground Zero are demanding health-care for illnesses related to the poor air quality after the attacks. What do you think?
Work Up, Pay Down #~# Over the last decade, American work productivity has increased 33%, while wages have only increased 11%. What do you think?
Florida State University To Phase Out Academic Operations By 2010 #~# SARASOTA, FL—Bowing to pressure from alumni, students, and a majority of teaching professors of Florida State University, athletic director Dave Hart Jr. announced yesterday that FSU would completely phase out all academic operations by the end of the 2010 school year in order to make athletics the school's No. 1 priority. "It's been clear for a while that Florida State's mission is to provide the young men and women enrolled here with a world-class football program, and this is the best way to cut the fat and really focus on making us No. 1 every year," Hart said. "While it's certainly possible for an academic subsidiary to bring a certain amount of prestige to an athletic program, the national polls have made it that our non-athletic operations have become a major distraction." FSU's restructuring program will begin with the elimination of the College of Arts and Sciences, effective October 15.
Local Pool-Club Record-Holder Upset To Hear Michael Phelps Just Joined #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Ann Arbor Pool Club member Edwin Peters, 32, a club record-holder in the 200-meter freestyle, the 200-meter individual medley, and the 200-meter butterfly, was disappointed to learn yesterday that Olympic champion Michael Phelps just joined the swimming club. "I understand records are made to be broken, but come on," said Peters, who is well aware that Phelps owns world records in the events previously mentioned. "I think this is going to make for a pretty lopsided club championship." Phelps was unavailable for comment, but many have said that his competitive nature will not allow him to take it easy on Peters or any other member of the Ann Arbor Pool Club.
Cal Ripken Jr. Moves Into 8 Billionth Place On Consecutive-Games-Not-Played List #~# BALTIMORE—Cal Ripken Jr. celebrated a new milestone in his not-playing-baseball career on Tuesday as he moved into 8 billionth place on the consecutive-games-not-played list. "It's never been about the streak for me," Ripken said Tuesday, speaking to reporters while wearing a commemorative patch featuring his likeness and the number 8,000,000,000 on the shoulder of his official Orioles-issued golf shirt. "I'm just doing the same thing a lot of unsung American heroes do every day—just going out there every single day and not playing the game of baseball to the best of my ability."  The Orioles plan to commemorate the accomplishment by televising Ripken jogging a victory lap around his living room in a ceremony attended by his wife, children, and 5,000 Orioles season-ticket holders selected via lottery.
LeBron James Amazed At 21-Year-Old's Ability To Stay Up All Night Studying For Physics Exam #~# CLEVELAND—21-year-old LeBron James, who skipped college to make millions of dollars in the National Basketball Association, was amazed to find out that someone his very own age, Case Western Reserve University junior Michael Washington, had the ability to stay up all night studying for a physics exam, which he later aced. "This kid's natural study skills are unbelievable," said James, who learned later that Washington is the youngest person in his family to attend college. "What he can do in the academic arena at his age is something that I could only dream of." James was equally impressed with Washington's ability to live in his 12-foot-by-19-foot dorm room, saying that he couldn't even imagine living like that at this point in his life.
Spinning Bow Tie Costs Rick Moranis Celebrity Poker Tournament #~# LAS VEGAS—Comedian Rick Moranis offered apologies but not excuses Monday, saying his last-place finish in last weekend's Aces Go All-In For Children Texas Hold-'Em Poker Tournament at the Luxor Hotel & Casino was due to his inability to stay calm during the high-stakes game, a condition reflected by his almost-constantly spinning bow tie.
Jimmy Buffett Pays For Own Drink For First Time In 17 Years #~# MIAMI BEACH, FL—Entertainment personality and novelty-song writer Jimmy Buffett sustained confusion Monday after being forced to hand over approximately $10 for an alcoholic beverage he ordered at Miami Beach's Beachcombover's Dugout Bar And Grill, an incident that had not occurred since the late 1980s. "I'm still not sure how it happened—I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea, drank it, and got up to leave as usual, but then the bartender stopped me, and I didn't know what he wanted me to do," said Buffett, 60, who composed a bitter yet theoretically humorous ballad about the incident later that day. "When he requested money for the drink, I thought, well, that's reasonable. But then no one would give him any." Bar staff said that perhaps the timing of the incident contributed to Buffett's predicament, since during the day potential drink-buyers typically spend their weekday afternoons managing shoe stores, adjusting claims, or entering data. 
Sexy Lyrics, Sexual Teens #~# A new study found that teenagers who listen to sexually explicit lyrics are more likely to engage in sexual activity at an early age. What do you think? 
White-Collar Prison Is A Great Networking Opportunity #~# This is turning into the best six to 10 years of my life. Serving a mandatory sentence at a federal prison is exactly the shot in the arm my career needed. No stress, no deadlines, no ongoing investigations. Just the freedom to learn and grow as a professional and—I'm not going to deny it—to have a little fun while I'm at it. This has got to be the best opportunity available for people in my line of work.
New Anti-Terrorism Strategy #~# The White House recently released an updated version of its anti-terrorism strategy, "National Strategy For Combating Terrorism." Here are its main new components:
I Have A Thing For Asia #~# Man, if I had to name one continent that really just does it for me, there's no question which one I'd pick: Asia. It just drives me wild. I know that a lot of my friends still don't get it, and I've gotten my share of glares from ex-girlfriends, but you know what? It's their loss. They're more than welcome to their Europes and North Americas. That just leaves more Asia for me. 
Sweat-Stain-Dating Technology Unlocks Age Of Assistant Managers #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—Business archaeologists from the Northern Illinois College Of Applied Business Sciences have developed a sodium-dating technique they said will more accurately determine the age of the world's assistant managers. "A wavelength of light emitted by a special halogen desk lamp, when applied to the concentric yellowish rings on the underarms, collars, and loosened neckties of middle management, allows their age to be calculated to within seven years," said Professor Frank Winters, who admitted to testing the experimental procedure on himself. "The process is safe, reliable, and vital to our understanding of exactly how long this strange race has existed beside humans." Winters is working on predictive applications of the new technology that may be able to predict how long these evolutionary dead ends will survive in their current business environment.
Report: Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Over 87 percent of Americans are unprepared to protect themselves from even the most basic world-ending scenarios, according to a study released Monday by the nonpartisan doomsday think-tank The Malthusian Institute.
Cigarettes Have More Nicotine #~# A recent study shows that the amount of nicotine in cigarettes rose an average of 10% between 1998 and 2004. What do you think?
Hero Firefighter Loses Lifelong Battle With Fire #~# DES MOINES, IOWA—After years spent in and out of hospitals, warehouses, and office buildings consumed by fire, Lieutenant Anthony Castillo, 46, finally succumbed to the combustion he had so bravely battled during most of his adult life, sources close to the deceased hero said Monday.  
Ghostwriter Taking A Few Creative Liberties With Paul Reiser's Life #~# LOS ANGELES—Challenged with the task of filling in details about Paul Reiser's life since the actor–comedian's work on the series Mad About You, ghostwriter Patrick Zyglund resorted to outright fabrication Tuesday. "I think I can spike things up a bit with a couple dozen pages in which Paul insinuates that he's drying out in a private recovery spa in Baja California and has to turn down roles in Unforgiven and Short Cuts, then sex it up with an extramarital love interest, let's say with a British supermodel," Zyglund said. "That'll give me the chance to gloss over The Marrying Man." Reiser himself was not available for comment on the autobiography, tentatively titled Reiserhood and scheduled for a May 2007 release, since his agent has not yet informed him it is being written.
More Deadbeat Granddads Failing To Make Birthday Payments #~# ATHENS, GA—At 7:34 p.m. on Monday, two Athens County deputy sheriffs forcibly entered Room 3B of the Sunwood Assisted Living complex, and, after waking him up, took Georgia's No. 1 deadbeat granddad into custody—79-year-old Roy Ehrengruber, who owes over $480 in grandchild birthday-card money.
NYC Unveils 9/11 Memorial Hole #~# NEW YORK—Days before the fifth anniversary of the destruction of New York's World Trade Center by terrorists, city officials gathered on the site where the Twin Towers once stood to dedicate the newly completed 9/11 Memorial Hole.
New Oil Field Discovered #~# The Chevron Corporation has discovered an oil field in the Gulf of Mexico which could possibly produce 6,000 barrels a day. What do you think?
Quiet Guy Mistaken For Nice Guy #~# MANCHESTER, NH—Though coworkers believe 29-year-old Kevin Bell is a kind, affable, and quiet employee, none of them are aware that he routinely launches into elaborate, animated, and sometimes violent diatribes about them when out of the office. "Kevin keeps to himself mostly, but you can tell there is a genuine warmth there," said coworker Amanda Soisson, who was unaware that Bell referred to her as a "butterface bitch" who last saw a penis "in high-school health class," while having drinks with a friend Monday night. "I asked him to get a file for me, and he didn’t complain or anything, which is refreshing around here." Bell could not be reached for comment after leaving work early to go cheat on his girlfriend of four years, who thinks he is simply too shy to admit that he loves her. 
CNN's Chilling 9/11 Tribute #~# On the fifth anniversary this month, CNN.com will be streaming footage all day of the network's televised coverage from Sept. 11th, 2001, enabling viewers to relive it as events unfolded. What do you think?
Bartender Developing A Remarkable Tolerance For Alcoholics #~# MADISON, NJ—Chris Becker, bartender at the Silver Nickel tavern, said he was growing increasingly worried about his growing tolerance for alcoholics. "A little used to go a long way, you know? I could last all night on one long, drawn-out tale of self pity, with maybe a brawl between two patrons as a nightcap," said Becker, who has been taking in at least four alcoholics a night since getting his license in 1996. "But lately, it's been taking nine, 10, sometimes 15 of them to make me feel anything at all." Alcoholism tolerance has long been recognized as a problem in the hospitality industry, and experts warn it can lead to bartenders developing unhealthy tolerances for smokers, drug users, and sex addicts.
Summer Intern Already Forgotten #~# BOSTON—University Of Maryland senior Dan Klein said Friday that his unpaid internship at Beacon Press Publishing was the "best experience of [his] life." He predicted that the long hours he spent filing, photocopying, and answering phones would eventually ensure him a position at the company when he graduates next spring
Sept. 6, 1997 #~# ‘Teeny Baby’ Trend Big With Inner-City Teens
Post-Game Comments Reveal A-Rod Unsure Whether Yankees Won Or Lost #~# NEW YORK—In an interview following Sunday afternoon's Yankees-Twins matchup, Alex Rodriguez's comments seemed to suggest that he was unaware of the game's final outcome. "Both teams played great out there, and players from both teams had some key performances that really swung the momentum in their favors—it's a shame that one team, perhaps the other, had to lose," Rodriguez said in response to a question about what this game means for the Yankees' season. "This game really could've gone either way, instead of the one way in which it went. You've just got to tip your cap to the winning team in this case. For winning. The game." When asked what he thought about rookie Darrell Rasner's performance, Rodriguez said that he "will be a big part of the future of whatever team he plays for."
A-Rod Has Some Creative Input On Baseball-Card Photo #~# NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez announced yesterday that his 2007 Topps Major League Baseball Series 2 baseball-card photo would serve as a statement of the man and player he has become while also remembering the man and player he used to be. "The photo captures me at third base in an athletic position, suggesting that I am extremely focused and ready for anything, as I am in all aspects of my life," Rodriguez said, adding that the angle of the photo, which allows those viewing the card to see fans cheering in the background, is no coincidence. "The photo also suggests, with a hint of Derek Jeter's left foot in the top-left corner of the frame, that my days at shortstop are behind me, although I am of course a team player who is willing to sacrifice himself and put his body on the line every night." Representatives at Topps said Rodriguez was "extremely difficult" to work with, as opposed to rookie Yankee left-fielder Melky Cabrera, who was just happy to be on a baseball card.
Bush: 'History Cannot Judge Me If I End It Soon' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Despite, or perhaps because of, rising fuel prices, the unpopularity of the U.S. presence in Iraq, and mounting legal problems surrounding his administration, President Bush informed his Cabinet Monday that he is unworried about his place in history, White House sources said. "I'm telling you, pretty soon some things are going to develop so that I won't have history to worry about any longer," Bush said. "History may be written by the winners, but it doesn't get written at all if all of human language is lost in, say, fire storms, right? So I can still get off the hook." Although troubles faced by his presidency have been relatively recent, sources said they believed Bush's plan had been put into motion long before he had even taken office.
The Media: Are They Ganging Up On A-Rod? #~# NEW YORK—The Columbia Sports Journalism Review has released the results of a study initiated in mid-August to investigate whether an increase in news stories such as "K-Rod," "A-Rod Playing Whiff-le Ball," and "Sore Throat KO's A-Rod" constituted "ganging up" on the overpaid, underperforming, and petulant Yankees third-baseman. "After carefully analyzing the content of all 9,463 newspaper and magazine articles criticizing Rodriguez that were printed between August 15 and September 1, we have found neither factual errors nor evidence of reportage exceeding the normal standards of sports journalism," Columbia journalism professor John Dinges said Tuesday. "We also spoke to the reporters who exclusively cover A-Rod's performance for the Kansas City Star, Sacramento Bee, Albuquerque Tribune, and Boston Herald, and we found no appreciable misinterpretations or statistical discrepancies in their twice-daily coverage as that preening jackass continues to shit the bed." The CSJR study concluded by observing that all Rodriguez must do to gain the approval of the press would be to simply lead the Yankees to the World Series, be named MVP, and nail his smarmy mouth shut for good.
A-Rod: 'I Hate Being A New York Yankee' #~# NEW YORK—Yankee third-baseman Alex Rodriguez, whose tenure in pinstripes has been plagued by his inability to live up to expectations set by the media, fans, and team owner George Steinbrenner, broke down yesterday after an 0-for-5 performance and  tearfully announced that he hates being a New York Yankee. "It just really sucks here," said Rodriguez, who noted that the pressure he faces every day living in the city of New York and playing for the Yankees has become "fucking outrageous." "I hate all of it—the dress code, the strict curfew, not having my name on my uniform, the stadium, the tradition, my teammates, playing third base—all of it. For the love of Christ, get me the fuck out of this shithole." Rodriguez later added that the only thing he likes about being a New York Yankee is Don Mattingly. 
Alex Rodriguez Placed On Emotionally Disabled List #~# NEW YORK—After suffering through much of the year with an aching heart, shattered self-image, and severely hurt feelings, Alex Rodriguez was placed on the 15-day emotionally disabled list, though the Yankee slugger did not rule out the possibility that the emotional wounds he has had to endure this season "may never truly heal."
Immigration Rallies Smaller #~# Labor Day immigration rallies drew fewer numbers than the marches held from earlier this year. What do you think?
U.S. Planes Kill Canadian #~# U.S. warplanes accidentally fired on Canadian troops in southern Afghanistan, killing one and wounding five. What do you think?
Airport Security Oversights #~# A Connecticut man was recently arrested for carrying a stick of dynamite in his checked luggage on a flight back from Brazil. Here are some other items that have passed through airport security recently: 
Any Idiot Could Have Come Up With The Car #~# During a recent visit to the Smithsonian's National Museum Of American History, I was more than a little amazed to discover they had dedicated an entire freakin' room to the history of the automobile. I've seen some pretty strange things in museums, with the usual mumbo-jumbo brainiac explanations, and I've heard people talk about how the car is the "most important" invention of the 20th century. 
When I Die, Scatter My Ashes On A Naked Lady #~# It may seem odd to some that, at only 32 years of age, I have already prepared for my eventual passing. However, I feel strongly that there's no time like the present when it comes to planning one's final resting place, particularly when one is still of sound mind and body. Therefore, I would like to be cremated, placed in a black lacquer vase, and then scattered on the body of a completely naked lady. 
Cubans: New Dictator Doing It All Wrong #~# HAVANA—Citing the lack of rambling six-hour speeches, cessation of random closings of entire industrial sectors, as well as a failure to condemn the U.S. for imperialist warmongering, the Cuban population has turned in an informal vote of no-confidence in acting dictator Raúl Castro. "He shows no understanding of the finer points: surprise raids on opposition newspapers conducted at 3 o'clock in the afternoon instead of 3 o'clock in the morning are not befitting a Castro," said sugar farmer Juan-Miguel Moinelo, who also lamented the total absence of any mass boat-lifts of "undesirables" during the younger Castro's tenure. "He may have the great bloodline, but our new Presidente lacks the firm-yet-arbitrary touch that Cuba has grown to appreciate." Raúl Castro has responded to criticism of his performance by saying that, if the Cuban people think government is so easy, maybe they should try running the country themselves for a change.
Caltech Physicists Successfully Split The Bill #~# PASADENA, CA—Sequestered in a private booth at a Pasadena-area Cheesecake Factory for nearly 25 minutes, a party of eight California Institute Of Technology physicists emerged exhausted but visibly excited Friday evening after successfully splitting the bill.
Rob Schneider Lands Role Originally Written For Chimp #~# LOS ANGELES—Actor Rob Schneider's next comedic role was originally intended for August Lord Oook, a veteran comic actor and chimpanzee. "True, Oook was the whole reason for the project in the beginning, but then Rob came in and just blew everybody away with a great reading, and we had to give it to him," producer Cary Simonthal said of the role of Reginald T. Zappers, the cross-dressing simian bank robber who seductively lures overweight guards into the vaults and knocks them out with his purse, until one hard-headed, warm-hearted, near-sighted rent-a-cop shows Zappers the power of true love. "Sure, there are things the chimp could do better, but Rob's working with a speech coach, and he brings just as much name recognition to the project." Schneider's performance in Chimp Change, co-starring Vince Vaughn as himself, will be released in theaters next spring.
Crocodile Hunter Dead At 44 #~# Steve Irwin, star of Discovery Channel’s The Crocodile Hunter, was killed by a stingray while filming in Australia. What do you think?
Area Dad Suspicious Of Car Parked Across Street #~# CORONA, WI—Homeowner and father of three Robert LaFontaine issued a statement late Monday, expressing unease and distrust toward an unfamiliar green 1995 Ford Taurus parked for several hours across from his family's house. "Well, that's different," said LaFontaine, from his post behind the sheer curtains of his living-room window. "Are those out-of-state plates? No, guess not. Can't tell if anyone's in it from here, either. Funny." LaFontaine, while reading the newspaper, continued intermittent surveillance of the vehicle throughout the evening by periodically dispatching eldest son Jack to look out the window.
Video Games To Have Ads #~# EA Games, makers of the popular Madden football-video-game franchise, just signed a deal with Microsoft's ad-placement arm to incorporate real-time spots in their titles. What do you think?
Grapes 'Big Hit' At Area Picnic #~# PORTLAND, OR—Speaking at an impromptu press conference on her back patio, seventh-grade language-arts teacher Wendy Polonski, 31, announced that the seedless green grapes she brought to a small potluck-style picnic with Fernwood Middle School colleagues Sunday in Portland’s Washington Park had been "really popular."
Make-A-Wish Recipient Now Wishes Macho Man Randy Savage Would Go Away #~# PHOENIX—9-year-old leukemia patient Tyler Blashock was initially ecstatic to learn Monday that the Make-A-Wish Foundation was sending Macho Man Randy Savage to meet him at the Phoenix Children’s Hospital. But after spending half a day with Savage, Blashock said he wished the 44-year-old wrestler would "just go."
Nebraska State Trooper In Klan #~# An arbitrator for the state of Nebraska ruled that a state trooper could not be fired for belonging to the Ku Klux Klan. What do you think?
Stripper Does Adequate Job #~# HOUSTON, TX—Patrons in the VIP Room of Ajax Gentleman’s Club responded positively and expressed general satisfaction with the performance of stripper Candela, 21, on Tuesday night. "I can’t say I have any major criticisms concerning the girl who gave Dave that perfectly respectable lap dance," customer John MacRae told associates afterward. "Her presentation was reasonably well-timed and informative, her choice of the song ‘Push It’ was appropriate, and I thought we established a good rapport, considering what little time we spent together." All in attendance compensated Candela with the standard amount for her services, and "would not mind seeing a naked girl or girls, again in the near future," according to comment cards.
Science Disproves Vampires #~# Florida physics professor Costas Efthimiou has devised a simple mathematical proof stating that vampires cannot exist. What do you think?
Kim Jong-Il Interprets Sunrise As Act Of War #~# PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA–Increasingly defiant toward international pressure since his nation's first nuclear test in early October, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il condemned this morning's sunrise, calling it "another hostile, deliberately timed act by the world community" and "a clear and blatant declaration of war."
GOP Throws All Financial Support Behind One Candidate #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—With just seven days remaining until the mid-term elections, the National Republican Congressional Committee has allocated its remaining $256 million cash-on-hand to Arizona incumbent J. D. Hayworth's campaign, in the hopes of retaining at least one House seat. "Considering Rep. Hayworth's strong stance against terrorism and this infusion of money, we're feeling really good about this race," said White House chief strategist Karl Rove, who is personally managing the remainder of Hayworth's campaign from his Scottsdale office."He's going to be in a very competitive position if he spends just 90 percent of this money attacking [challenger Harry] Mitchell." Hayworth will be joined at campaign events this week by 23 prominent Republicans, including Dick Cheney, John McCain, Bill Frist, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rudolph Giuliani, Ted Nugent, and Rupert Murdoch. In a poll released today, Mitchell leads Hayworth by six points.
Brunch Livened Up By Jazz Trio's Violent Breakup #~# SAN FRANCISCO—An ordinary Sunday afternoon brunch at Café Cleo was enlivened by an explosive physical exchange between members of jazz band Everywhere/Nowhere, which ended with saxophonist Dave Jeremy storming out of the eatery. "I was just sitting there eating my eggs Benedict with tempeh hash browns, and all a sudden the music stopped and I heard this loud 'crack' and a spit-covered mouthpiece whizzed past my head," said local silk-screen artist Sarah Wang, who was dining with poet Jenna Nowler and playwright James Lewis. "Not only did the jazz stop for a while, we also had something to talk about besides James' new one-act." After the breakup, the two remaining members of Everywhere/Nowhere played a 30-minute drum-and-bass version of "My Funny Valentine."
Twin Cities To Host '08 RNC #~# Minneapolis has been chosen as the site for the 2008 Republican National Convention. What do you think?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth 'Bring Yourself To Work Day' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In workplaces as diverse as a Payless ShoeSource in Andover, NH, to Tyson Foods' largest plant in Emporia, KS, American workers joined their international counterparts Monday in commemorating the 10 millionth "Bring Yourself To Work Day" with brief, mandatory celebrations.
Door Open for NJ Gay Marriage #~# The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that gay couples were entitled to the same rights as heterosexuals, leaving the door open for gay marriage. What do you think?
Oscars Create New Truman Capote Biopic Category #~# LOS ANGELES—The Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences announced today the introduction of a new Oscar category honoring the Truman Capote–themed feature film genre. “We are now able to honor excellence in the emerging field of Capote-inspired filmmaking,” said Academy president Sid Ganis, referring to the new film Infamous, as well as such upcoming features as 20th Century Fox’s Truman, Paramount’s Truman Capote, Universal’s Truman Capote, Jr., DreamWorks’ animated Truman And The Big Black And White Ball, and Columbia’s road picture Harper & Tru. Warner Bros.’ Goin’ Capote, scheduled for a Thanksgiving release, stars Oscar hopeful Jimmy Fallon in what many are calling his most understated role yet.
Local Man Inspires 14th Offbeat News Story #~# BRIGHTON, MI—Whether exchanging nuptials with his first wife Susan on the roof of the hardware store where he works or patiently teaching his bulldog Louie how to use a Boogie board, it's easy to see why Brighton resident Tom Carling, 42, has been the inspiration for more than a dozen offbeat human interest stories over the course of his life.
‘Stay The Course’ No More #~# According to reports, the Bush Administration will no longer use the phrase ‘stay the course’ when talking about the war in Iraq. What do you think?
Excited Juror Feels Like Murder Trial Being Put On Just For Her #~# CLEVELAND—Jamie Daniels, juror #7 in The State Of Ohio vs. Greg Mitchell, was "on the edge of the seat" after closing arguments in the double-murder trial Monday, saying she could not wait to see how it turned out, though she also wished the three-week-long "roller-coaster ride" could go on forever. "The prosecutor was just so intense and animated, and when he demanded that the jury show the accused killer no more mercy than he showed those young girls, I swear, he was looking right at me," said Daniels, who added that the defense attorney's disarming cross-examination of an important but unstable witness was just the kind of "riveting performance" she was hoping for. "Every day I know by the way the defendant glances at me that he is wondering if I, specifically, am on his side. And I love that." Heading in to deliberations, Daniels said she was not certain that Mitchell deserved the most severe punishment in the land, but admitted that a capital sentence had the most potential for multiple juicy appeals.
Ben Roethlisberger Relieved To Suffer Football-Related Injury #~# ATLANTA—Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who survived life-threatening injuries as a result of a motorcycle accident during the pre-season and endured an emergency appendectomy in early October, was relieved Sunday to suffer a serious traumatic injury during the course of a football game. "I think things are definitely starting to get back to norb… to nurm… to normal," said a barely conscious Roethlisberger, who suffered a concussion as a result of a helmet-to-helmet collision during the third quarter of Pittsburgh's game against the Atlanta Falcons. "It was nice to be on the sidelines, in pain, and in full uniform all at the same time, for once." Roethlisberger added that his experiences off the football field have taught him a valuable lesson, and had he not been wearing a regulation helmet during Sunday's game, he could be dead right now.
Portland Trail Blazers Get Hint After Being Left Off 2006-07 NBA Schedule #~# PORTLAND, OR—Claiming that it would "just make an awkward situation even worse," Portland Trail Blazers head coach Nate McMillan said in a press conference last Sunday that he and his team "got the hint" after noticing his team's conspicuous absence on the 2006-07 NBA schedule, and will not make any attempt to play a basketball game this year. "At first we thought that they were giving us the first week off, but after looking at the schedule for the rest of the year, we understood what was going on," said McMillan, adding that after last year's league-worst 21-62 record, he thought this might be coming. "I feel we deserved to find out differently, maybe a phone call, but if they don't want us there, fine. We'll just have to find something else to do." League officials said in a statement yesterday that they appreciated the way the Trail Blazers were handling this, adding that the Atlanta Hawks and the New York Knicks have "been acting like a bunch of babies about the whole thing."
Tiki Barber To Retire During Third-Down Run Off Right Tackle During Third Quarter Of Sunday's Tampa Bay Game #~# NEW YORK—Giants running back Tiki Barber, who had earlier announced his retirement pending the end of the 2006-07 NFL season, advanced his timetable for retirement to a specific play in the Giants' upcoming game against the Buccaneers. "By the midpoint of the third quarter of Sunday's game, I intend to take the handoff from [quarterback] Eli [Manning], cut inside the right tackle, and bounce to the outside to avoid linebacker Derrick Brooks," said Barber, who otherwise plans to treat Sunday "just like any other game." "Once in the open field, I'll avoid pursuit by my brother Ronde and go out on top by retiring from football in front of my family and the world's greatest fans." After taking his final bows and shaking the hands of all players and coaches present, Barber plans to change into a stylish but understated gray suit, and return to the sidelines, where he will interview himself for ESPN.
Kenny Rogers Denies Cheatin' During World Series #~# COLBERT, GA—Country vocalist Kenny Rogers repeatedly and vehemently denied rumors that he engaged in cheatin' behavior during Game 2 of the World Series Sunday night, which he maintains he watched on TV at his friend Randy's house across town despite anonymous eyewitnesses placing him at the Lincoln Park Motor Inn with an unknown red-haired woman. "C'mon, honey, you have to believe in me, here," Rogers said from the front lawn of his estate while dodging clothing and personal possessions thrown at him from the second-floor windows of his house by Wanda Miller, his wife of nine years. "I had a few beers and, you know, decided to take my time getting home, is all. Honey?" Suspicion initially settled on Rogers when a visual inspection seemed to reveal a "tacky" stain on the multiple-Grammy-award winner's hands.
World Series Overshadowed By Thrilling New MLB Labor Agreement #~# ST. LOUIS—Thousands of baseball fans gathered in Busch Stadium Tuesday evening to watch as commissioner Bud Selig announced that Major League Baseball and the MLB Players Association have tentatively agreed to an earth-shattering, amazing new multi-year collective-bargaining agreement, which has captured the imagination of fans young and old who have been waiting for this day since the last deal was signed in August 2002.
Catholic Church Must Pay For Contraceptives #~# New York's highest court ruled that insurance coverage for employees of social service agencies run by the Catholic Church must include contraception. What do you think?
Daylight Saving Time Yields Massive Daylight Surplus #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Energy Secretary Samuel W. Bodman announced Monday that the country's seven-month-long effort to conserve sunshine has resulted in the largest national daylight surplus since October 2005. 
You're All In This Together #~# No doubt about it, these are tough times for everyone. More and more, it seems like each of us is struggling on a daily basis, wondering whether prosperity and good fortune will ever come our way. Frankly, sometimes it looks as if getting through this difficult period may prove impossible for anyone who isn't me. Yet do not despair, my estranged brothers and sisters in battle, but take heart in knowing that you're all in this together.
I Think We Should Start Talking About Starting A Band #~# I've been thinking. I know we've talked about starting to talk about doing stuff before—like when we said we should think about doing that video for YouTube with us dressed like barbarians, or when we said we were gonna talk about starting our own Delta Phi chapter here on campus—but I've really got this awesome idea I want you to consider thinking about talking about. I know what you're gonna say: We always just end up thinking about starting to talk about things, but we never get around to actually talking about starting them.
DNA Evidence Frees Man After 15 Years Of Marriage #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Henry "Hank" Doswell, 42, was released from his marriage Wednesday, after DNA tests conclusively proved his innocence in the July 1991 fathering of Spencer Doswell, the solitary charge that has kept him committed for 15 years.
Events Leading Up To N. Korea Nuclear Test #~# Two weeks ago, North Korea detonated a nuclear bomb. Here is the series of developments that led up to this test:
Mars Rover Beginning To Hate Mars #~# PASADENA, CA—NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory scientists overseeing the ongoing Mars Exploration Rover Mission said Monday that the Spirit's latest transmissions could indicate a growing resentment of the Red Planet. 
9/11 Families Upset Over New Remains #~# Families of the victims of 9/11 are angry as new remains—including wallets, clothing, and bones—were discovered at Ground Zero. What do you think?
Scuba Diver Expressing Either Joy Or Terror #~# KEY WEST, FL—Fellow scuba divers who witnessed Sam Gemitter's wild gesticulations, inaudible vocal noises, and bulging, wide-open eyes, remained unclear Monday if he was expressing either joy or terror at the sight of something he saw behind a giant coral reef. "He swam back to us pretty fast, but I didn't know if he was trying to get away from what he saw, or if he wanted us to come see," snorkeler Brian Celli said. "He was definitely excited one way or the other." As of press time, Gemitter had not returned his equipment to the scuba-rental booth, either because he is still enjoying the beauty of the ocean depths or is dead. 
Area Man Misses Rental Car #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—One week after returning to his 1994 Acura Integra following a business trip in Indianapolis, Schaumburg resident Gerry Davis, 52, said Tuesday that he still longs for the brief, exciting two-day period during which he had the opportunity to drive a blue 2006 Toyota Corolla. "That car had everything—leather seats, a moon-roof, a thing that tells you the temperature, even a CD player," said Davis, who fell in love with the vehicle after experiencing its "sparkling clean interior" and "the calming sound the turn signals made." "Plus, there was this thing on the keychain that lets you unlock the doors from 30 feet away. Man, I wish I had one of those." Davis admitted that he cannot get the image out of his head of another man driving  the car that was his for that one short, magical weekend.
Martin Scorsese's Next Film To Be Three Hours Of Begging For Oscar #~# NEW YORK—Director Martin Scorsese, long praised as one of the greatest modern American filmmakers for his works Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, The Last Temptation Of Christ, and Goodfellas, is following up his recent string of critically acclaimed triumphs with The Entitled, a three-hour, unabashed plea for a Best Director Oscar that opens nationwide Friday.
Computer Makers Die More #~# Death rates among people who work building computers are considerably higher than the rest of the population. What do you think?
Mills: McCartney Abusive #~# Paul McCartney is denying allegations from estranged wife Heather Mills that he was often drunk, high, and violent. What do you think?
Hero Dog Fills Out Hospital Paperwork #~# BRACKNEY, PA—Ginger, a four-year-old golden retriever, saved the life of her owner Megan Walsh, 37, Monday by quickly and efficiently filling out Walsh’s copious emergency-room paperwork. “Without Ginger’s knowledge of my sister’s medical history, which includes multiple food allergies and penicillin intolerance, who knows what could have happened in there,” said Walsh’s brother Derek, who arrived late at the hospital but was relieved to learn that Ginger had “taken care of everything.” “She filled out the forms, and apparently was the only one who could locate Megan’s insurance card.” Ginger could not be reached for comment, as she was reportedly on hold with a Blue Cross-Blue Shield phone representative for 50 minutes.
10-Percent Tip Teaches Waitress Valuable Lesson #~# CONCORD, NH—After receiving "subpar" service and experiencing an unusually long wait for his $4.75 lunch at a local Beefside Family Restaurant Monday, customer Gus O'Connor opted to give waitress Carla Hyams a reduced 10 percent tip in an attempt to communicate his dissatisfaction and raise awareness of the areas in which he felt her performance was lacking.
Indonesian Mother Sews Halloween Costumes For 60,000 Children #~# PONTIANAK—Indonesian factory worker Weninng Panggi is keeping busy in the weeks leading up to Halloween by sewing costumes for thousands of children across America's Eastern Seaboard. "I try to put a little extra love in each seam I stitch, or epoxy, or hot-glue, or heat-seal," said Panggi, putting the finishing sequined touches on 1,375 Hermione dresses. "I only wish my family could afford such durable, high-quality garments. By the way, what are these for?" After completing her shift, Panggi carried out her tradition of going from door to door asking for scraps of food.
Lou Piniella's First Big Move As Cubs Manager Is To Resign #~# CHICAGO—During his formal introduction as Cubs manager Tuesday, Lou Piniella announced that his first and only managerial decision will be to step down immediately and permanently from his new position—a bold, unexpected move that he successfully carried out just moments later. "My time in Chicago has been great, and it feels like it was just yesterday that I started this job, but I truly believe that this move will give me a better opportunity to win," Piniella said at the press conference while ceremoniously removing a Cubs hat and jersey. "I'm very excited about leaving this team." After the announcement, Cubs GM Jim Hendry praised Piniella's sound judgment and pure baseball instinct, saying that "his ability to make quick, smart decisions like this one is exactly why we hired him."
Larry Coker Fights For His Job By Swinging Helmet At Athletic Director, Chancellor #~# CORAL GABLES, FL—University of Miami head football coach Larry Coker, afraid of being scapegoated and fired in the wake of Saturday's brawl involving Hurricanes players and those from Florida International University, defended himself by suspending 13 players, taking full responsibility for disciplining his team, and swinging a Hurricanes football helmet at the heads of athletic director Paul Dee and chancellor Donna Shalala during a press conference Wednesday. "What happened was unfortunate and does not reflect our character as a team or my philosophy as a coach," said Coker, grasping the helmet by the faceguard and delivering repeated blows to Shalala's face and neck. "However, I believe that dismissing me at this time would in fact send the wrong message about discipline to our players and the wrong message about the University of Miami to the public." Dee was physically unable to comment or breathe after the press conference, but Shalala seemed to indicate that she would handle the matter internally as soon as she stopped bleeding internally.
Hideki Matsui Unable To Grasp Translator's Explanation Of Where Cory Lidle Is #~# NEW YORK—Hideki Matsui's interpreter Roger Kahlon has been unable explain to the Yankees' Japanese-speaking left fielder that former teammate Cory Lidle died instantaneously last Wednesday after flying his four-seat, SR20 aircraft into a high-rise apartment building in Manhattan's Upper East Side. "At this point, I'm pretty sure [Matsui] thinks Lidle is either in his four-bedroom apartment or on a 20-minute plane ride to upstate New York," Kahlon said, adding that in order to make Lidle's whereabouts clear to Matsui, he has even resorted to making one of his hands into a plane, the other into a building, crashing them together, and making explosion noises. "This kind of thing just doesn't translate very well." According to Kahlon, the last time he asked Matsui where Cory Lidle was, a confused Matsui answered, "The bullpen."
Madonna's Adoption Flak #~# Critics of Madonna's decision to adopt a Malawian orphan are accusing the pop star of choosing the child like one would choose "a handbag." What do you think?
Zdeno Chara Out Two To Three Periods With Fractured Skull, Broken Leg #~# BOSTON—Team doctors announced that Bruins defenseman Zdeno Chara was cleared to return to the ice for the third period of tonight's game with the Calgary Flames after he used the 15-minute intermission to rehabilitate from a fractured skull and broken leg he received during the first period of play. "He's a tough kid," said team physician Dr. Thomas Gill, adding that Chara will forego wearing a brace that would hold together his snapped femur so that his mobility is not impeded. "Because his head is so swollen, he probably won't be able to fit into a helmet, but he prefers it that way." Chara didn't miss one shift during the third period, tallying one assist and an empty-net goal.
Tim Duncan Releases Decade Worth Of Pent-Up Emotion After Spurs Preseason Loss #~# SAN ANTONIO—Star Spurs center Tim Duncan has issued a public apology for his "unacceptable, inexcusable behavior" last Saturday night following a preseason loss to the Orlando Magic, saying that frustration and disappointment with his low-scoring, six-rebound performance caused "ten years' worth of unexpressed emotions to burst out of me like… like something I don't even know what."
Fake Degrees In Government #~# It was reported last week that at least 135 employees of the White House and NSA purchased fake college degrees from the Internet. What do you think?
I Can't Stop Thinking About The Foreign-Policy Discussion We Had In The Shower Yesterday #~# I can barely keep it together at work today. It's impossible to focus. Every time I try to get something done, my palms start to sweat, my head spins, and I think about you, with your eyes half-closed and your head thrown back under that hot, steaming water, talking about how our current foreign policy is counterproductive to its stated objective because it is allowing Islamic extremist groups to exploit the U.S.-led conflict in Iraq to recruit an ever-growing number of anti-American jihadists. 
Studio 60 Was Better When It First Came Out #~# I remember when the famous phrase "Live from Studio 60, it's Friday Night In Hollywood!" used to mean something. Back then, when the show first came out, I'd stay home every Monday night just to make sure I didn't miss an episode. There was such a buzz around the show in the weeks leading up to its premiere because it was something new, something no one had ever seen before. But ever since Judd Hirsch left, the show's totally gone downhill.
Streisand Farewell Tour #~# Barbra Streisand recently kicked off her latest farewell tour in Philadelphia. Here is what she is bringing to her final round of stage shows:
N. Korea Detonates 40 Years Of GDP #~# PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—A press release issued by the state-run Korean Central News Agency Monday confirmed that the Oct. 9 underground nuclear test in North Korea's Yanggang province successfully exploded the communist nation's total gross domestic product for the past four decades.
Richard Branson's Global-Warming Donation Nearly As Much As Cost Of Failed Balloon Trips #~# LONDON—Analysts are predicting that the $3 billion Sir  Richard Branson has pledged for developing energy sources to combat global warming could come close to matching the amount the entrepreneur, adventurer, and Virgin CEO has already spent on elaborate balloon-based excursions.
U.S. Hits 300 Million People #~# The U.S. Census Bureau estimates that the U.S. population reached 300 million today at 7:46 am. What do you think?
Iraqi Leaders Call For Moment Of Violence During Ramadan #~# BAGHDAD—A coalition of sectarian leaders from the approximately 185 separate political and insurgent groups vying for dominance in Iraq called for a nationwide moment of violence, to be held shortly before noon Friday in the remaining days of Ramadan. 
Area Man Going To Go Ahead And Consider That A Date #~# MOUNT PLEASANT, PA—Anthony Pennline, 28, decided Tuesday, following a random encounter at a coffee shop with 26-year old acquaintance April Geyer, that their cordial, 45-minute conversation along with his offer to walk her home basically constituted a date. "I mean, it wasn't official or anything, but if I had asked her to have coffee with me, and she were to have said yes, the result would have been exactly the same," said Pennline, adding that the encounter was even more of a date when he offered to buy her another cup of coffee. "It's pretty clear she's probably really into me." According to Pennline, he has dated two other girls this month, the first of which occurred spontaneously during the happy-hour reception of his high-school reunion, and the second at the movies when he briefly spoke to a woman before the theater went dark.
CBGB's Closes Down #~# After 33 years hosting punk shows, legendary club CBGB's closed its doors on Sunday. What do you think?
Christian Rock Band Cleans Up Hotel Room #~# WAYCROSS, GA—Hotel staff at the Highway 82 Best Western found the suite occupied over the weekend by members of the Christian rock band Ruggid Krøss swept, dusted, scrubbed, and readied for immediate occupancy. "Bands have come through here before, but I've never seen anything like this," said housekeeping supervisor Maria Konieczna, who was called to the scene after maids expressed alarm at the carefully mended furniture, retouched bathroom-wall paint, and hospital corners the five-member evangelical group inflicted on the hotel's property. "The television was lifted up, dusted under, Windexed, and placed carefully back in the cabinet. Plus they apparently had our towels professionally laundered at their own expense. There's nothing in the manual about dealing with this type of propriety." Hotel staff are attempting to contact Ruggid Krøss' manager to return the six extra Gideon's Bibles they left in the suite's nightstands.
Area Woman Emotionally Invested In Jennifer Aniston's Well-Being #~# SCOTTDALE, PA—Pennsylvania native and entertainment-news consumer Gayle Caudill admitted to a deep personal investment in the happiness and well-being of TV and film star Jennifer Aniston, an international celebrity who has a reported net worth of $80 million, and, according to Caudill, is "a down-to-earth gal just like myself."
Yankee Crashes Plane In NYC #~# A small plane piloted by New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle hit a Manhattan high-rise apartment building Wednesday. What do you think?
National Trust For Historic Preservation To Pay For Andy Rooney's Upkeep #~# NEW YORK—The National Trust For Historic Preservation announced Monday that private fundraising efforts will allow the organization to maintain dilapidated, run-down CBS commentator Andy Rooney through 2016. "Although we lack the funds and expertise to rebuild Rooney completely, future generations can come to know this irascible curmudgeon the same way we do," said NTHP president Richard Moe. "It is important that this vital artifact from America's rich past not be left to suffer the same fate as New York's Penn Station or Walter Cronkite." When informed of the $25 million endowment, Rooney made a phlegm-laced three-minute speech on the first ten things that came to his mind for which the money would be far better suited.
DOT: Dangerous Intersection Causing Some Pretty Cool Accidents #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—The California Department Of Transportation (Caltrans) released a study Monday that focused on a problematic intersection in Livermore, CA estimated to be nine times more likely to have extremely cool, awesome, or just plain unbelievable accidents than anywhere else in the state.
Terrell Owens Blames Poor Game On Drew Bledsoe, Offensive Line, Hamid Karzai, NASA, Samsung #~# DALLAS—Troubled, underperforming Dallas wide receiver Terrell Owens lashed out in a press conference at the Cowboys practice facility Tuesday, blaming a combination of teammates, world leaders, scientific organizations, and multinational electronics companies for his three-reception, 45-yard performance against Philadelphia Sunday. "I can't catch the ball if the quarterback can't pull the trigger on those passes, and he can't get the pass off if no one's blocking—and who can maintain concentration when [Afghan president] Hamid Karzai is criticizing [Pakistani leader Pervez] Musharraf for not doing enough to stop extremists in his country?" Owens said in response to reporters' questions regarding how he was feeling. "And now NASA says the shuttle came back from its last mission with damage to the protective foam? And I got to watch that news on a Samsung HP-S5053 that makes everything look all oversaturated. Is anyone out there besides me doing their damn job?" Bledsoe, the Cowboys' linemen, NASA, and the Samsung corporation have not commented on Owens' remarks, though Karzai took time yesterday to call Owens a "pass-dropping bitch asshole" on the floor of the United Nations.
Google Buys YouTube #~# Google announced Tuesday that it bought YouTube for $1.65 billion. What do you think?
Experts Warn: NBA Season May Begin Sometime In Next Three To Six Weeks #~# BRISTOL, CT—Leading basketball experts predicted yesterday that many, if not all, of the teams in the National Basketball Association are planning to begin regular-season play by the end of the month. "I know nobody wants to hear this with football season beginning to pick up steam and the baseball playoffs going on, but I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't inform all of you that by the beginning of November, every professional basketball team, I repeat, every NBA team, will have played one regular season game," said ESPN's Dr. Jack Ramsay during an NBA season-preview segment on SportsCenter. "And my sources tell me that after that, the teams fully intend to play 81 more." According to Ramsay, even the Portland Trail Blazers, the NBA's worst team last season, are planning on playing a full NBA schedule come November.
Reggie Bush On First NFL Touchdown: 'That Was It?' #~# NEW ORLEANS—After Reggie Bush's first touchdown as a professional football player—a 65-yard punt return that ultimately allowed the New Orleans Saints to defeat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 24-21—the rookie running back said he didn't know what he was expecting, but "this just wasn't it." "I don't know what I thought would happen, you know? Game-winning touchdown in the NFL, my first TD as a pro, I just hoped that… I don't even know anymore," said Bush at a post-game press conference, adding that perhaps "things felt off" because at USC over 20,000 more people cheered when he scored. "Maybe [NFL touchdowns] get better the more you get them. I sure hope so." When asked what he planned to do with the game ball, Bush said he was considering giving it to a young child, but didn't want to ruin football for him at such an early age.
Remaining MLB Playoff Teams Say Things More Relaxed Without Yankees Around #~# OAKLAND, CA—According to sources from the four Major League Baseball teams still in contention for the World Series title, the New York Yankees' first-round elimination has made the mood in the 2006 playoffs much more pressure-free. "When [the Yankees] lost, it was like this giant weight had been lifted," said Oakland A's manager Ken Macha, who noticed that his team was "a little on edge" during their series against the Twins. "Now my team can just go out there, have a good time playing baseball, and not worry about the Yankees getting this idea in their head that it's all about winning." Tony LaRussa, Willie Randolph, and Jim Leyland agreed with Macha's assessment, adding that with the Yankees out of the playoffs, it will also be much easier to win the World Series.
Military Recruiter Upset Area Man Hasn't Called Him Back #~# EAST ST. LOUIS, MO—Army Staff Sergeant Declan Morris announced that he has "no idea what to think" concerning potential recruit Justin Flannerty's continuing refusal to return Morris' phone calls. "I admit I'm hurt," he said. "Perhaps I came on too strong with the whole money-for-college thing. But I was just trying to be honest." He buried his head in his hands and continued: "Oh, Sgt. Morris, you idiot! That's what second visits are for." Unsure about "the right time" to call Flannerty back, Morris is considering "forgetting the whole thing" and moving on to a new recruit.
George Steinbrenner Fires Tigers #~# NEW YORK—Immediately following the Yankees' first-round playoff elimination last Saturday, George Steinbrenner released a statement announcing his intention to fire the Detroit Tigers, whose "inexcusable postseason performance stunned and saddened" the 76-year-old Yankees owner.
U.S. Cryptographers: 'FrpX-K5jE-Oc4n-e5Dn' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a carefully phrased, 128-bit encoded announcement that has challenged U.S. security agency procedures, top officials of the National Cryptography and Information Security Council warned that "FrpX-K5jE-Oc4n-e5Dn" if "Ha4d-87gH-uiH3-gB5r-g8Bh" late Monday. 
Ground-Beef Recall #~# More than 5000 pounds of Iowan ground beef was recalled due to suspicions of an E. coli contamination. What to you think?
Couple Doesn't Deserve Deck #~# LUBBOCK, TX—A coalition of residents at the Winding Brook subdivision announced Monday that neighbors Stanley and Janet Mann do not deserve their new 120-square-foot teak-stained redwood deck. "What does Stan need a deck that big for, anyway—that little bitty Weber grill?" said home-owners' association treasurer Shelly Pierce at a conference in her gazebo. "And Janet? Does she even work in the summers? Teachers are obviously overpaid in this country." The group stopped short of approving a plan to set the new deck on fire.
Republican Reaction To Foley Scandal #~# With their party rocked by the Rep. Mark Foley sexual-harassment scandal, Republicans are using the following strategies to overcome the bad press:
Show Us The Slurry! #~# Item! Everybody knows that Tom Cruise and Katie Bosworth had their baby, Slurry. But how come no one has seen it yet? Tom, to use your own words, it's time to show us the money. You may think you're protecting its privacy, but you owe it to the people that made you a star to "show them the baby" so they can make up their minds whether or not little Slurry should be left alone.
Chasing Tornadoes Is All I Have #~# I chase tornadoes. That's what I do. I've tried to have a normal life—wife, kids—but it wasn't for me. 
Bush Urges Expanded Drilling Of Alaskan Wildlife #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Following a recent ruling by a U.S. District Court that blocked the sale of 1.7 million acres of federally protected caribou, President Bush urged Congress Tuesday to pass an appropriations bill that would enable expanded drilling of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge's animals.
Bin Laden's Mother Worried Sick #~# JEDDAH, SAUDI ARABIA—With rumors swirling about Osama bin Laden's possible death from typhoid fever in Pakistan, Hamida al-Attas, the al-Qaeda leader's mother, said she is "worried sick" about her son and wished that he would send "some sort of sign" that he is alive. 
Magazine Editor Undergoes Sleek New Redesign #~# NEW YORK—Melissa Williams, editor-in-chief of Urbis magazine, launched a long-anticipated redesign of herself Friday. "I made a conscious decision to look more open and less dense without losing that smart edge that people have come to expect," said Williams, who claimed the new design's smaller size, bolder colors, and smoother lines will give her a broader appeal across upper demographics. "The old look worked well for a long time, but even I had to admit that it was starting to get a little tired." Early feedback has been generally positive, but critics of Williams' new style and format have called her "distracting for all the wrong reasons," "far too busy," and "as hard to read as ever."
North Korea Nuke Test #~# North Korea reportedly tested a nuclear bomb early Monday morning. What do you think?
Area Man Finally Finds Bodymate #~# LARAMIE, WY—Longtime bachelor Nick Oakley has finally found the one woman  whose body he has been looking for all his life, Oakley, 31, announced to friends at the Wheelhouse Tavern Sunday. "The moment my eyes met her body, I knew it was the one for me," Oakley said of Kristen, the 5'6", 34–22–28 brunette who apparently takes her yoga very seriously. "Even from the first time we met, it was like her breasts knew exactly what my hands were going to do. I can't imagine a better feeling than that." Oakley reportedly now regrets all the years he refused to believe that a man and a woman could truly have unconditional lust.
Proud Cystic-Fibrosis Foundation Doesn't Need Your Charity #~# AITKIN, MN—Cystic-fibrosis foundation A Dream To Breathe, which has refused to accept more than $250,000 in donations since 2001, announced Monday that it was continuing to make strides in fighting the rare respiratory disorder without any handouts from "self-righteous do-gooders." 
KISS Guitarist Denied Royalties #~# Former KISS guitarist Vinnie Vincent was denied claims to royalties for the album Lick It Up by the Supreme Court recently. What do you think?
Breast-Fed Babies No Smarter #~# According to research published in the British Medical Journal, breast feeding does not make babies any smarter. What do you think?
Retired S1Ws Recalled To Active Duty #~# STRONG ISLAND, NY—With recruitment down sharply, and the prospect of being held back by the nation of millions appearing once again likely, top-ranking Public Enemy officials issued an order Monday for all retired Security Of The First World personnel to return to active duty. 
World's Youngest Person Born #~# DELHI, INDIA—Harinakshi Himati, an 18-inch, 10-pound baby born less than one minute ago to Delhi taxi driver Ganaresh Himati and his wife Chameli, has been declared the world's youngest person by the United Nations Census Bureau. "This is an honor, to be sure," said Mr. Himati, displaying his daughter to the public for the first time. "Her mother and I knew she was young, but this is very unexpected." Harinaksi displaced her older triplet Chaya as the world's youngest person and is expected to hold the title for a few seconds until the birth of her sister Varija.
Miguel Tejada Claims He's Never Heard Of Jason Grimsley, Steroids, Orioles #~# BALTIMORE—Following pitcher Jason Grimsley's allegation that Miguel Tejada had taken performance-enhancing drugs while the two were teammates, Tejada denied all knowledge of Grimsley, Rafael Palmeiro, anabolic steroids, Bud Selig, random drug tests, Jay Gibbons, Brian Roberts, the Orioles baseball organization, and the city of Baltimore. "Jason Grimsley? I've never heard of him before in my life. Who is he? Is he a movie star?" Tejada asked reporters Monday. "And what are steroids? People keep saying 'steroids,' but I have no idea what that term means. And who are these so-called 'Baltimore Orioles' he keeps mentioning? What is going on?" Tejada went on to claim that he cannot recall winning the 2002 AL MVP award, that he has definitely never played Major League Baseball, and that he doesn't know where he is right now and can't remember how he got here.
Experts Predict No NL Team Will Go Deep Into Playoffs #~# BRISTOL, CT—Even though the National League somehow managed to send four teams into the 2006 MLB postseason, baseball experts said Monday that it is "unlikely" that any of them will advance past the second round of the playoffs. "The Mets, Dodgers, Padres, and Cardinals have serious pitching issues, almost zero offense, and have played terribly down the stretch," ESPN analyst Buster Olney said. "However, they each luckily drew a first-round opponent that is similarly ill-fitted for postseason play, so we may see one or two emerge from the first round. But as for the World Series—not a chance." Experts went on to predict that it will "probably be another Yankees–Red Sox World Series this year."
Netflix $1 Million Offer #~# Netflix is currently offering $1 million to anyone who can improve its personal movie recommendations system. What do you think?
Suspended Tackle Albert Haynesworth: 'I Just Wanted To Make Sure The Guy Was Dead' #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth, suspended five games by the NFL for stomping on the head and kicking the face of Cowboys center Andre Gurode last Sunday, issued a statement this morning saying he "just wanted to make absolutely sure [Gurode] was dead for good." "The Titans pay me to do one thing out there—kill anyone who gets in my way," said Haynesworth, who is serving the longest suspension for on-field actions in league history for his attempted murder. "Doing a thorough job is just good fundamentals… On your first day of high-school ball, they tell you football's no more than blocking, tackling, and bodily assault with the intent to commit homicide." League officials have suggested that Haynesworth's suspension also include anger-management therapy and a refresher course in the rules and principles of football.
Britney Spears Loses Custody Of Child To In Touch Magazine #~# LOS ANGELES—Caseworkers from the California Department Of Social Services escorted Sutton Pierce Federline, the newborn second son of singer Britney Spears, to his new home at In Touch Weekly's Los Angeles offices Monday. "In Touch has displayed a concern for, and attention to, Sutton Pierce's health, welfare, development, and wardrobe that is sadly lacking in the child's biological mother," said a CDSS spokesman as the infant was dropped off at the magazine's reception desk. "We are certain that the 16 editors, 417 freelance photographers, and both writers at In Touch will continue to give little Sutton Pierce the attention that a growing child of celebrities requires." Spears' eldest child, 1-year-old Sean Preston, was placed under the legal guardianship of TV entertainment-news program Access Hollywood in May.
Confident Pedro Martinez Performs Own Rotator-Cuff Surgery #~# NEW YORK—Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez, who will miss the next eight months with an arm injury, showed no loss of morale or confidence as he performed his own rotator-cuff surgery last week. "My original plan was to make a minor incision in the shoulder and conduct an arthroscopy to examine the torn labrum," Martinez told reporters at the Mets training facility while outlining his method on the photos he took during the procedure. "However, the damage was extensive enough to necessitate me detaching my entire deltoid muscle and performing a thorough acromioplasty to remove bone spurs in my shoulder." Martinez said he expected himself to recover well enough to perform surgery on his calf in three to five months and begin throwing off the mound in eight.
Hungry Bears Defense Feeds On Soldier Field Crowd #~# CHICAGO—The league-leading Chicago Bears defense, which overpowered and dominated the Seattle Seahawks last Sunday en route to a 37-6 victory, took time after the game to emphasize that they would not have had the extra energy needed to hold the Seattle offense to a mere two field goals if it weren't for the mass cannibalization of nearly 60,000 of their hometown fans.
Rash Of School Shootings #~# The U.S. has seen 25 school shootings since the beginning of the academic year. What do you think?
Apple Claiming The Term "Pod" #~# Apple Computers is laying legal claim to the term "pod," used in words like "podcast." Here are some other items Apple is trying to claim as its own:
I'm Going To Be A Star #~# I know what you're thinking, and it's true: In this big, crazy universe, gaseous regions with the density and heat required to ignite deuterium fusion are a dime a dozen. Any wannabe can overcome internal pressure in order to initiate gravitational collapse. But you're dead wrong if you think I'm going to let that stop me. I'm more than some molecular cloud with the potential to have an unstable core, and I won't just be almost undetectable molecular hydrogen forever. I've got what it takes. Stardom, here I come! 
I Didn't Ask To Be A Role Model For My Kids #~# Sure, I've reached a point where people look up to me. I've won just about every award offered in the sporting-goods business. I came in when this company was on the rebound and I took it to the next level. I single-handedly brought down our biggest regional competitor last year. I expect recognition for my accomplishments. But does that mean I have to demonstrate good judgment and maturity at all times just for the sake of my children? I don't remember signing up for that.
Tourist Experiences City By Buying Used CDs #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Tourist Alex Pratt decided to "get the feel" of the historic South Carolina port city of Charleston by making the rounds of its local used-CD stores Tuesday. "I found a Marshall Crenshaw CD I didn't have, and really lucked out on The Feelies' The Good Earth—I haven't seen that in years," said Pratt, who has also shopped for music in Boston, San Francisco, Gettysburg, PA, and Kansas City. "I like this place. It's a lot like my regular used-CD shop back in Chicago." Foregoing a ferry-ride to nearby Fort Sumter, Pratt said he intended to spend the remainder of the afternoon peeling the protective plastic off the CD cases and enjoying a sandwich from a local Subway restaurant.
Muslims To Boycott All Pope Merchandise #~# KARACHI, PAKISTAN—In what appears to be the latest sign of a widening gulf between the Muslim world and the West, Islamic leaders upset over Pope Benedict XIV's recent controversial remarks about the nature of their religion are urging the Muslim faithful to boycott any and all products bearing the Pope's seal of approval. 
Representative Foley Resigns #~# Congressman Mark Foley (R–FL) resigned Friday after it was revealed that he exchanged sexually charged Internet chat messages with a teenage boy. What do you think?
Flustered Bush Misses Air Force One Flight #~# CAMP SPRINGS, MD—Despite sprinting through the Andrews Air Force Base south terminal, President Bush narrowly missed his Air Force One flight to Boise earlier today after arriving just moments after the plane's doors had closed.
New Therapist Obsessed With Old Therapist #~# STONE HARBOR, NJ—Dr. Peter Crosley, the psychotherapist seen by real-estate broker Rachel Falbaum since March, has become increasingly focused on the thoughts and techniques of Dr. Seth Hirschfeld, Falbaum's therapist from the summer of 2001 until this spring. "Going back to your sister, whom you seem to believe is more successful: How did your therapist feel about her?" said Crosley to Falbaum during a session Monday. "Would you describe your feelings towards his discussions of her as resentment? Because it's quite revealing if this guy never asked about your sister. I certainly wonder how that might make me feel." For her part, Falbaum said that her sessions with Crosley have helped her to view her former therapist in a different light, one which will "definitely" enable her to move on to new therapy.
Green-Conscious GE Develops Hybrid Lightbulb #~# FAIRFIELD, CT—One year after pledging to develop more energy-efficient products, General Electric Co. unveiled a product it is calling its most eco-friendly lighting source to date: the first-ever gasoline-electric hybrid lightbulb.
Underfunded School Lacks Resources To Calculate Student-To-Teacher Ratio #~# PHILADELPHIA—Budget cuts and unfulfilled requests for federal funding have left Philadelphia's East Central High School without the vital resources needed to determine how many students per teacher the school currently supports. "Our staff of 54 teachers is aware that 1,578 students are in attendance," principal Ian Victor said Monday. "We always hear that suburban schools have a 16-to-1 ratio—we just want to know how we stack up." East Central's original budget request of $120,000 was intended to purchase new equipment, replace outdated textbooks, and to figure out exactly how long it would take a school bus traveling at 35 mph to arrive at the school from Milburne, if it left at 7:35 a.m.
Microsoft Releases Security Patch #~# Last week, Microsoft released a patch for a critical security flaw in its Internet Explorer web browser. What do you think?
Giants Inform Titans They Can Hear Post-Game Comments From Other Room #~# NASHVILLE—According to multiple sources, New York Giants running back Tiki Barber walked over to the Titans locker room and informed a celebrating Tennessee squad that his team could hear "everything" the Titans were saying about the Giants' poor performance following their 24-21 loss. "Listen, it's just not very sportsmanlike to call our quarterback a 'choke artist' and our entire team 'an overpaid bunch of losers,'" Barber said to the Titans, who fell completely silent when Barber first entered the room. "Is this what you guys are about? Kicking a team when they're down? Kind of takes away from all that 'good game' crap and hugging we just did on the field, doesn't it? You should all be ashamed of yourselves." While Barber was delivering his speech, the entire Tennessee squad reportedly failed to suppress laughter, forcing Barber to tell them several times that he was serious and didn't know what was so funny.
Memphis Grizzlies Ask For Two Weeks Off To Practice #~# MEMPHIS, TN—In order to improve their 3-10 record, the last-place Memphis Grizzlies requested permission from NBA officials yesterday to take two weeks off so that they may practice their ball-handling skills, lay-ups, and passing. "Our inbound plays need a lot of work, and the majority of my guys don't know where they're going in our zone press," said head coach Mike Fratello, adding that the extra time will allow him to go over film for their December 16 game against the Miami Heat. "We also need to get on the same page in terms of knowing what the difference is between our 'Motion 1' and 'Motion 2' offense." According to Fratello, if his request is granted, the first thing he will do is gather his players at half court and show them what a triple-threat position is.
Michelle Wie Announces Plans To Compete In LPGA Tournament #~# HONOLULU—In an announcement that has rocked the world of professional golf, longtime men's golfer Michelle Wie said Monday that she is planning to participate in the LPGA's season-opening SBS Open next February, which would make her the first woman to enter such an event since 32 women competed in the ADT Championship last weekend. "I have accomplished everything I am capable of accomplishing on the men's tour," said Wie, who finished second-to-last and missed the cut by 17 strokes in the men's Casio World Open earlier this month. "I'm looking for a real challenge—one within reasonable limits that I actually have a legitimate chance of surmounting. This will inspire girls everywhere to break society's barriers and begin playing sports against other females." Wie, however, said that while she had achieved a comfort zone on the men's tour, she is worried that the women of the LPGA will regard her with coldness, anger, and resentment for trying to join their tour.
Derek Jeter Dating Jessica Biel, Repeatedly Reports Derek Jeter #~# NEW YORK—According to his teammates, other MLB players, Yankee management, friends, relatives, his old college professors, and any random stranger with whom he has come into contact during the past two days, Derek Jeter is dating former 7th Heaven star Jessica Biel. "Last night, me—me, Derek Jeter—and the beautiful, charming Jessica Biel were laughing, talking, and, yes, kissing in a dark corner of the hip L.A. nightclub Hyde," Jeter told reporters from the New York Daily News, New York Post's "Page Six," Us Weekly, Star, National Enquirer, New York Times, London Free Press, Cleveland Plain-Dealer, and 128 other national and local publications Sunday. "Just thought you all might want to know—we're an item. Yup, it's official. We really hit it off, she is incredibly sexy, and we will be attending a party together this Saturday night at Club Element in case you want to take pictures. Can you believe this?!" Jeter added that, although he was upset about not winning the AL Most Valuable Player award, he "doesn't see Justin Morneau dating anyone who was named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive in 2005."
Bill Walton Spends Entire Lakers Broadcast Gushing About His Son #~# LOS ANGELES—Bill Walton, the former NBA Most Valuable Player and popular current NBA broadcaster, spent the entire running time of Tuesday night's Milwaukee Bucks–Los Angeles Lakers game lavishing praise and affection on his son Luke, a Lakers small forward.
Bush In Jordan #~# President Bush is winding down a diplomatic tour with a visit to Jordan to meet with King Abdullah II and Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. What do you think?
Visiting Parents Do Their Best To Praise Son's New Apartment #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Parents of 23-year-old Jack Gambel attempted to put a positive spin on their son's new Brooklyn apartment Monday, referring to the one-bedroom railroad-style residence's location above a Chinese food restaurant as "charming," and calling the exposed hot-water pipes "very New York." "And you won't have to spend a lot of time cleaning a bathroom this size," added father Dave Gambel, who agreed with wife Barbara that the 10-by-12-foot bedroom's lack of natural sunlight will help their son get a full night's sleep. "You can invite some friends over for a painting party and just cover those stains right up—make a day of it." Mrs. Gambel also noted that the thrift-store table in the "cozy" kitchen/television area/dining room was the perfect size for his father to write out a $1,750 rent check. 
Iraq Now Longer Than WWII #~# The war in Iraq has now lasted longer than the U.S.'s involvement in World War II.  What do you think?
Kansas Outlaws Practice Of Evolution #~# TOPEKA, KS—In response to a Nov. 7 referendum, Kansas lawmakers passed emergency legislation outlawing evolution, the highly controversial process responsible for the development and diversity of species and the continued survival of all life.
Not One Of Those People #~# Many people believe that being a notable public figure puts you above reproach or suspicion. Not true, says your old pal Jean. How do I know this? Personal experience. Fame-wise, I know I'm not on the level of the mayor, or the lady in khaki who hosts Pet Eligibles on the community access channel, but I'm fairly high up there. Anyhow, I'm not one to let fame get to my head. (But I shouldn't worry anyhow, because my fame hasn't gotten to anyone else's head either!)
Wal-Mart Sales Disappointing #~# While post-Thanksgiving sales were up 6 percent from last year for most retailers, Wal-Mart's numbers fell below even their modest forecast. What do you think?
Area Man Never Leaves House Without Putting On Lucky Everything #~# BOISE, ID—Area resident Tom Watson, 32, told coworkers yesterday that he never leaves his house without putting on his lucky hat, jacket, scarf, shirt, pants, underwear, shoes, sock, and other sock. "Yes, people might call me superstitious, but I know when I see the sun every morning that I have these to thank," said Watson, pointing to his lucky belt and galoshes. "And no one can deny the fact that I was in this outfit when my brother-in-law bought that winning $10 scratch ticket." Watson added that he has paid especially close attention to his fortunes since being diagnosed in 1993 with a "one-in-a-million" form of eye cancer.
Boyfriend Ready To Take Relationship To Previous Level #~# COLUMBIA, SC - Following a romantic three-day getaway to South Carolina's Hilton Head Island, 32-year-old Matthew Sullivan said he is now "more ready than ever" to take his 10-month relationship with girlfriend Carol Moag to the previous level.
I Am The Product Of A Single-Nanny Household #~# One wouldn't know it just to look at me or my vast estate, but I did not have the easy, carefree life of a typical American child. I sometimes find it hard to believe myself, considering all I've inherited! But underneath the smug expression, the 40-year-old Scotch, the affluent tan and entitled jawline, lies a far more difficult truth: I was raised by a single nanny.
Focus Groups Hated It Right Up Until Guy's Head Got Cut Off #~# LOS ANGELES—A focus group of 150 people who saw this one movie, Fox Searchlight's modern adaptation of some Charles Dickens classic, were unresponsive right up until the violent and sudden decapitation of the lead character, which was widely heralded as "awesome." 
PlayStation 3 vs. Nintendo Wii #~# Last week marked the debut of both Sony's and Nintendo's next-generation consoles. Here's how they stack up:
Men Compulsive Shoppers, Too #~# A recent study claims that men are just as likely to be compulsive shoppers as women. What do you think?
Troop Morale Boosted By Surprise Visit From First Dog #~# BAGHDAD—U.S. troops stationed in Iraq hailed an unannounced and unaccompanied visit Monday from Barney, the senior White House dog who belongs to President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush. 
Local News Anchor Mistakenly Reveals Salary During Broadcast #~# PITTSBURGH—Veteran anchorman Don Cannon accidentally revealed his annual salary on-air Wednesday following a KDKA-TV News At 6 segment on the increasing costs of attending a four-year college. "Gosh, it seems like people everywhere are trying to do more with less," Cannon remarked to co-anchor Patrice King Brown, referring to a family interviewed in the report. "Take it from me, it's no picnic sending three kids to school when you're only making $220,500. And that's before taxes." After the broadcast, KDKA was inundated with résumés from unemployed Pittsburghers, all emphasizing the fact that they, too, possess faces and can read aloud.
Chicago Rolls Out Cold-Weather Prostitutes #~# CHICAGO—From the barren tree branches to the colorful Christmas decorations, the signs of another Windy City winter are everywhere you look. And with the chilly air and fresh snow comes the sight of local residents replacing their regular three-season hookers with prostitutes better capable of handling the tough Chicago streets.
Robert Altman Dead #~# Acclaimed director Robert Altman died this week. What do you think? 
Pierce Brosnan Offended By Way New James Bond Holds Gun #~# HOLLYWOOD—According to a source close to Pierce Brosnan, the former James Bond actor felt affronted by the performance of Daniel Craig in the latest Bond film, Casino Royale. "Pierce just felt that he should have carried his gun in such a way that people knew it was James Bond they were dealing with, and not some 'first-year Bobby who doesn't know the first difference between an Aston Martin that transforms into a snowmobile and one that turns into a submarine,'" said the source, who added that Brosnan said the Bond girl bedded by Craig may have appeared attracted to him, but he could tell she was faking it. "Pierce felt the performance was amateur and that in general the film lacked a certain je ne sais quoi." Former Bond actor Roger Moore reportedly agreed with Brosnan's assessment and added that, while he was glad to see someone other than Timothy Dalton in the role, no actor has delivered the pithy elegance befitting 007 since 1979's Moonraker. 
Americans Give Thanks #~# Today, Americans across the nation are celebrating Thanksgiving. What do you think?
Ohio State Defeats Michigan 42-39 In Ultimately Meaningless Game #~# COLUMBUS, OH—In what had been touted as a college-football matchup for the ages, the top-ranked Ohio State Buckeyes defeated the No. 2 Michigan Wolverines 42-39 Saturday in a game that, while exciting, ultimately made no real impact on the football landscape and had no significant effect on the national rankings.
Colts Claim To Still Be Undefeated: 'We Beat Ourselves' #~# DALLAS—Indianapolis Colts players and coaches informed reporters that their team still remains undefeated despite their poor showing against the Dallas Cowboys last Sunday, claiming that the Colts had in fact beaten themselves with a poor offense and a defense that collapsed in the latter part of the second half and had, therefore, technically won. "Let's get this straight—the only team capable of beating the Indianapolis Colts is the Indianapolis Colts. And, since we clearly did so, it follows logically that we're still undefeated," said Colts head coach Tony Dungy during a post-game press conference, adding that he is pleased that his team is still leading the American Football Conference by two games. "I have to tell you, it feels good to be 10-0. It might not have been pretty, but a win's a win." Dungy said he has already told his players to forget about this week's victory, and stressed that he was concentrating on making the playoffs and "hardly wasting any time whatsoever" thinking about staying undefeated.
Alfonso Soriano: 'I Am Excited To Play For $136 Million' #~# CHICAGO—Alfonso Soriano called a press conference Monday to announce that, starting in the 2007 season, he would officially be making $136 million. "I turned down several offers of amounts of money that, in my opinion, were far lower than $136 million," said Soriano, who was smiling from ear to ear as he delivered the news of his signing. "I expect to be making $136 million for a long time." Although Soriano has gained a reputation as a selfish, me-first player, he went on to assure his critics that this new contract is "not about the money."
Jimmie Johnson Forgives Lug Nut That Almost Cost Him Nextel Cup #~# MIAMI, FL—Following a ninth-place finish in the Ford 400 Sunday that clinched him NASCAR's Nextel Cup championship, an emotional Jimmie Johnson tearfully forgave the front lug nut that almost came loose during Lap 116. "Gol' durn it, lug nut, you… you son of a gun, you really had me scared there," said Johnson, who apologized for "getting so angry" and "saying things about the lug nut in the heat of the moment that are both untrue and not suitable to be repeated." "But I never thought for a minute you'd let me down. You're the glue that holds my tires, my car, and this great sport together—and I mean that." Johnson added that, despite earning his first career Nextel Cup win, he still may never be able to forgive the punctured radiator that ruined his chances for the title in 2004.
Eagles Fans Fully Expect Donovan McNabb To Play With Torn ACL #~# PHILADELPHIA—Although All-Pro quarterback Donovan McNabb was sidelined last week with a torn anterior cruciate ligament that doctors expect will keep him from playing for eight to 12 months, the majority of Eagles fans fully expect McNabb to suit up for Philadelphia's game this Sunday against the Indianapolis Colts. "This is an important game for the Eagles and for the city of Philadelphia, and a chance for Donovan to finally prove himself and get the Eagles back on the path to the Super Bowl," said 42-year-old Philadelphia resident Harold Guthrey, who dismissed reports that the swelling in torn and ruptured tissues around McNabb's knee was so severe that surgery would have to wait at least four weeks. "The people of this great city have put their trust in Donovan McNabb, and he should know that Philadelphia fans expect their Eagles to play tough." According to Dr. Frank Fitzgerald, an orthopedic surgeon specializing in catastrophic knee injuries and lifelong Eagles fan, McNabb should seek him out for a second opinion.
Scavenger-Hunt Party 'Not Leaving Without Twine' #~# PORTAGE, MI—A scavenger-hunt team dispatched to the Moorsbridge neighborhood continues to occupy the Dean and Nicole Mullikan residence, and has announced plans to remain until the couple releases a length of twine needed to complete the list given out at Taylor Keim's birthday party. "We've gotten this far, and we're not leaving without the twine," said Joshua Hebert, 11, the leader of a trio of fifth graders who have been engaged in the diligent search since late Monday afternoon. "These people live in a town that recycles. What do they use to bundle their newspapers and cardboard? They need to look harder." Hebert and his partners said they remain confident that the homeowners will soon "come to their senses," like the older lady at 236 Wilton Terrace who finally turned up three red buttons after a two-hour standoff.
Nov. 21, 1943 #~# Betty Grable Appointed Head of U.S. Army Special Masturbation Fantasy Squad
Former KGB Spy Poisoned #~# Alexander Litvinenko, a former Soviet spy and critic of Russian President Vladimir Putin, was hospitalized in London after being poisoned. What do you think?
Spaniards Vow To Once Again Decimate Population Of New World #~# MADRID—Seeking to reestablish Spain's global dominance after centuries of diminished empire, Spanish King Juan Carlos proclaimed yesterday his intention to unleash a mighty fighting force of conquistadores to reconquer, convert, enslave, and exploit the native populations of the Western Hemisphere. 
People Always Hate Politicians Until They Need One #~# I got into the legislation business only in order to tirelessly serve the good people of Kansas's 3rd District. But what do I get in return?  Nothing but grief, cynicism, and snarky suspicion. People trash politicians every chance they get, all year long, until that one day they actually need one of us.
I Was Placed On This Earth To Put Off Doing Something Extraordinary #~# Ever since I was born three weeks overdue, it was clear that there was something different about me. However, it wasn't until I postponed going into the ninth grade, just days before delaying my 16th birthday, that I realized what it is that makes me unique.
CNN Renews 'This Week At War' For Next Eight Seasons #~# ATLANTA—CNN officials announced that they will be carrying the popular news show This Week At War through the 2014 season. “We’re confident that we’ll have at least eight full seasons worth of material for this property,” said CNN President Jonathan Klein during the dedication of the new 11-story TWAW news headquarters in Kuwait City. “And believe me, we’re going to be going in some surprising new directions. A premise like this can go on for a generation.” In addition to TWAW’s extended renewal, CNN is retooling existing news shows to give them a more martial focus, most notably The Situation And War Room, and Lou Dobbs Tonight In The Middle Of A Pitched Street Battle Between Sunni And Shiite Extremists.
Detecting Children's Drug Use #~# A recent study suggests that parents are often unaware of their children's drug use. Here are some warning signs parents should look out for:
O.J. Confession Book Cancelled #~# After stirring up a cloud of controversy, Fox and ReganBooks parent company News Corp cancelled both publication of the O.J. Simpson book If I Did It and a televised interview with Simpson. What do you think?
Killer Swears Girl Was In Two Pieces When He Left Her #~# CORVALLIS, OR—Apprehended drifter Gary Lee Haynesworth strongly denied any involvement in the dismemberment and skinning of 16-year-old Jackson High School cheerleader Tracy Stebbins, claiming he did nothing more than "cleanly bisect" her body just below the waist with a jigsaw after strangling her. "What do you mean, where am I keeping her arm?" Haynesworth reportedly asked police. "It was there when I dumped her in the lumberyard. And I would never decapitate someone so crudely and keep their head as a trophy. What am I, some kind of sicko?" Officers said Haynesworth, who waived his right to remain silent, has been extremely cooperative in explaining at length and in great detail exactly how he would have done it.
Boxing Gym Gives Inner-City Youths An Opportunity To Punch Each Other Indoors #~# BROOKLYN, NY—When 18-year-old Anthony Washington first walked into Hurricane Palmieri's Gym he knew only one way of life: using his fists on the streets. But now, thanks to his involvement in this inner-city youth boxing program, he has a new sense of purpose that comes from pummeling others head-to-head in the ring.
End-Life Crisis Marked By Extravagant Spending Spree #~# TOLEDO, OH—Ever since his retirement nearly a decade ago, area resident Oscar Subitzky just hasn't been the same. What began as a single, uncharacteristic extravagance—the payment of $15,000 for a coronary angioplasty to expand his narrowing arterial wall—has given way to a growing number of personal luxuries, from the latest brand-name heart medications to the most advanced palliative care. The unusual developments have led concerned family members to suspect that the once prudent and conservative 74-year-old widower is undergoing an acute end-life crisis. 
Theater Major Has Too Long Borne Shakespeare Teacher's Blunt Upbraidings, Bitter Scoffs #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Vanderbilt University theater major Sandy Heckscher said Monday that she has been stretched to the limits of her endurance by the "blunt upbraidings and bitter scoffs" of drama professor and Shakespeare scholar Ian Treatt. "Who breathes but'd rather be a simple whore, than lurk within this country of insult?" said Heckscher, who thinks Treatt is a "bad grader." "O monstrous beast! How like a swine he lies! Grim death—that foul and loathsome moniker!" Treatt responded to the charges by saying only that he found himself amazed that theater majors "are too simple/To offer war where they should kneel for peace."
Male Birth-Control Pill #~# Scientists are reportedly close to perfecting a birth-control pill for men that will stop the development of sperm.  What do you think?
Web Hits 100 Million Sites #~# According to Internet-monitoring company Netcraft, there are now 100 million websites with unique domain names. What do you think?
African Children Given 30,000 Unused 'Save Darfur' T-Shirts #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Citing poor U.S. sales, San Francisco-based Me Tees T-shirts announced Tuesday that nearly 30,000 of their cream-colored, green-lettered "Save Darfur" T-shirts will be donated to the children of Darfur. "Frankly, we thought this would be a more popular issue," a Mee Tees spokeswoman said. "If we can no longer make money on these T-shirts, we might as well do some good and send them to the poor, victimized Sudanese children." Due to their continued massive popularity in the industrialized world, no Che Guevara T-shirts will be donated to the stricken region. 
New Mobile-Device Purchase Makes Asshole More Versatile #~# NEW YORK—Since acquiring his BlackBerry 8703c mobile device last month, asshole Robert McClain, 29, has reported vastly increased versatility, mobility, and off-site task-reassignment efficiency. The Credit Suisse executive and total shit claimed the new technology has opened more doors and become an absolutely indispensable tool for surviving in the "cut-throat world of high finance."
Tampa Bay Buccaneers Take Chance On Long-Lost Fourth Manning Brother #~# TAMPA BAY, FL—Still reeling from the loss of quarterback Chris Simms and desperate to shore up the second-worst offense in the NFL, the 2-7 Tampa Bay Buccaneers announced Monday that they had signed Clay Manning—son of Saints legend Archie Manning and the legendary long-lost fourth Manning brother—to a two-year, $3.2 million contract.
Two Kinds Of Humans #~# British evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry claims that the human race may split into two sub-species in the next 100,000 years. What do you think?
John Madden Reminds Viewers Of Importance Of Quarterback To NFL Teams #~# DENVER—Color commentator John Madden spent the third quarter of the San Diego Chargers-Denver Broncos game explaining exactly how important it is for an NFL team to have a quarterback. "You're definitely gonna need one of these guys on your team if you want to have any success in the NFL," Madden said, explaining how having somebody standing directly behind the center when the ball is snapped provides a feeling of stability and consistency. "If Denver, for example, didn't have a quarterback, they could maybe hand the ball off to the running back, but there's absolutely no way the Broncos could pass the ball to the receivers. Frankly, I don't know how the Raiders do it." Madden later went on to talk about how different football would be if there were no end zone and the field "just went on and on forever."
Tom Brady To Learn Receivers' Names By End Of Month #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Saying that "he can barely keep track of all those guys," New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady promised yesterday that, by the end of the month, he will have learned all the names of his ever-changing receiving corps. "No. 10  [Jabar Gaffney] runs a pretty good out pattern and No. 87, Rick something [Reche Caldwell], he seems like a real nice guy," Brady said when was asked how he was dealing with the departures of wide receivers Deion Branch and David Givens. "Truthfully, the great thing about this offense—and this whole team, really—is that people don't have to know anybody's name in order for things to go smoothly. In fact, Coach [Bill] Belichick encourages us not to get too attached to one another." Brady added that the last time he took the time to learn the name of one of his receivers, he was gone the following day.
Pop-Up To Second-Baseman Reminds Sportswriter Of Relationship With Father #~# NEW YORK—A Shane Victorino popout caught by Cubs second-baseman Ryan Theriot this past September compelled sportswriter Roger Angell to write a 1,500-word essay about his relationship with his father. "He hobbled up to the batter's box, the bat his crutch, his only means of support, the one thing in this world that can make you look like both a hero and a fool, and he uncoiled his muscles in a mechanically sound swing not unlike the one he produced last night and the night before," Angell wrote in his essay entitled Pine-Tar Heart. "And from that mighty cut, a white egg tumbled from the heavens back into its safe leather nest, resistant to flying away and leaving the men who love it and need it. Only in baseball and fatherhood can a swing so utterly well-intended and so utterly perfectly orchestrated fail so utterly in its attempt to produce the desired results." The essay will appear in Angell's forthcoming compilation of baseball writings, Diamonds Are Forever, which also includes a novella that compares every botched double play from the 2006 season to his recent divorce.
David Stern Feels Uneasy In Presence Of Basketball Players #~# NEW YORK—According to friends and associates, NBA commissioner David Stern gets suddenly quiet, visibly uncomfortable, and awkwardly on edge whenever he comes into the presence of NBA basketball players. "I don't know what it is—he's usually a very outgoing and funny guy, but he just all of the sudden stiffens up whenever they're around," said NBA vice president of basketball operations Michael Curry. "It's like he can't act natural around them. Whenever we see Allen Iverson and his friends at NBA events, he'll just excuse himself, go sit in the corner, and start playing with his watch. The few times that he actually comes anywhere near them, he'll usually just stand there staring at the floor, trying to look inconspicuous." According to colleagues, however, Stern is on very friendly terms with most NBA owners, coaches, and Steve Nash.
DHS: Individual Al-Qaeda Operative Assigned To Each American Family #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Department Of Homeland Security claimed to have "reliable information" Monday that al-Qaeda is proceeding with a plan to dispatch to the United States 120 million operatives trained to antagonize and disrupt every American household. "These domestic operatives are already highly knowledgeable about their assigned families' daily schedules, eccentricities, and deepest desires," said DHS secretary Michael Chertoff. "All we can say is that they are serious, they are committed, and they have a lot more members than we ever imagined." While Chertoff said people should go about their daily lives as normally as possible, he did urge people to be diligent in reporting any unusual activity or suspicious Arab-looking men in their kitchens, bedrooms, closets or underneath their dinner tables.
Cell-Phone Infertility #~# A study presented at the American Society For Reproductive Medicine conference indicated that men who used cell phones frequently have a lower sperm count. What do you think?
New Ed McMahon Autobiography Reveals He Slept With 7 Women #~# LOS ANGELES—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry, the just-published Ed McMahon autobiography, Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Ed, disclosed that the veteran Tonight Show emcee slept with seven separate women over the course of his long career. "Frankly, a lot of people in Hollywood were stunned to learn this number," said gossip columnist Liz Smith on Monday. "Think about it—that would mean he had sex with one woman every six to nine years." According to the book, McMahon's conquests include a woman he met overseas while serving in the Marines, a woman he dated for two years before she broke up with him, three other women he dated for five years before they broke up with him, and two of his three wives.
I'll Give Birth Anywhere #~# Pregnant women today make me sick. With all their whining about maternity leave and pregnancy accommodations, it's no wonder women aren't respected in the workplace—so choosy about where and when they will have a baby. Not me. 
Reasons For Britney Spears' Divorce #~# Last week, Britney Spears announced plans to divorce husband Kevin Federline. Here are the reasons the couple decided to split:
I Don't Make My Jukebox Selections For The Recognition #~# It's no secret that when it comes to rocking the jukebox, I'm the best. I've essentially revolutionized the practice by stringing together seemingly impossible songs, and I've done it for years. Of course, with skills like these comes a certain amount of renown. But no matter how much I continue to innovate and break new, unthought-of ground, I never seek the spotlight. I prefer to let the jukebox speak for itself. 
Guy 'Just Giving You A Hard Time' Truly Despises You #~# RED BANK, NJ—Several coworkers have confirmed that colleague Eric Grasso's daily ribbing stems from a deep-seated hatred of you and everything you stand for. "Hey champ, pretty fancy shirt you got there," said Grasso as you walked past the break room wearing your slightly glossy blue dress shirt. "Going clubbing tonight, or are you wearing that cheap cologne just for me? Kidding. C'mon, you know I love you." The news will not stop Grasso from pretending to push you in front of a moving bus during your lunch break later today, while half the office, including the woman from Accounting you were planning to ask out, looks on.
Report: More U.S. Soldiers Suffering From Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder #~# NORFOLK, VA—Pre-traumatic stress disorder, a future-combat-related psychological condition previously thought to afflict only young soldiers drafted against their will, is now found in growing numbers among National Guard members, Army, Navy, Marine, and Air Force reservists, semi-retired officers, and the newly recruited, according to a government study released Monday.
'C-List Celebrity Killer' Leaves Police Enthusiastically Guessing Who's Next #~# LOS ANGELES—Following Thursday's gruesome discovery of the remains of former Blossom star Joey Lawrence, law enforcement officials are feverishly speculating on the identity of the next victim of the so-called "C-list Celebrity Killer." 
Microsoft Releases New Patch #~# Microsoft recently released a patch for a critical security flaw in its Explorer web browser. What do you think?
Personal Assistant Called After Scary Dream #~# SEATTLE—The urgent 2 a.m. phone call placed by architect Clark Bennett to personal assistant Marcus Peck was prompted by an unusually frightening dream, Bennett said Tuesday. "It was like someone was pinning me down, sitting on my chest, and the air was being sucked out of my lungs," Bennett said. "When I awoke, I called [Peck] to come over and fix me some warm milk and make sure the doors were locked and sit up with me in my room and read a coffee-table book to me." Peck declined to comment on the details of the incident, although it is believed he counseled Bennett to just roll over and go back to sleep.
Laid-Off Ford Employee Decides To Start Own Car Company #~# HAPEVILLE, GA—Calling his recent layoff "just the kind of a kick in the pants" he needed, former Ford Motor Company autoworker Chris Thaney announced the creation of the Thaney Motor Company Monday.
Ed Bradley Dies #~# 60 Minutes correspondent Ed Bradley recently died. What do you think?
English Teacher On First Date In Ages Lets Dangling Modifier Slide #~# FALLS CHURCH, VA—Recalling that it was her first date since September 2005, high-school English teacher Melanie Fitzgerald thought it prudent to overlook the grammatical errors of dinner date Aaron McPherson on Monday. "I really had to bite my tongue when he said, 'After getting stuck in traffic this evening, canceling dinner plans would have been completely understandable,'" said Fitzgerald, recounting her date's response to her five-minutes-late arrival. "I kept telling myself to give him the benefit of the doubt, even after he said, 'Being nervous sometimes,  I can come off a bit awkward.' " Friends of Fitzgerald have advised her to continue disregarding McPherson's poor grammar and instead focus on his character, which sounds like that of a complete asshole.
Third-Party Cola Demands Ad-Campaign-Finance Reform #~# COLUMBUS, GA—Claiming the American consumer is in crisis, third-party soft drink Royal Crown Cola called for an end to two-brand dominance, demanding an equal playing field for all and urging sweeping restrictions on the amount Coke and Pepsi are allowed to spend on advertisements.
Evangelical Haggard Claims He Was Molested By Republican Congressman #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Evangelical leader Ted Haggard, who stepped down last week after confessing that he purchased methamphetamines and various services from a male prostitute, revealed Wednesday that he was repeatedly molested by an unnamed Republican congressman in the late 1990s. "We would communicate on the Internet and then meet in his Washington office to, I thought, discuss faith-based initiatives," said Haggard in a tearful admission in which he asked for the forgiveness of God and his congregation. "Before long, he had progressed from praying alongside me to having me sit on his lap at his desk, and then to touching me in my bathing-suit area. I trusted the congressman, and he violated that trust." Authorities have not acted on Haggard's allegations, saying that Republicans are often accused of wrongdoings simply because so many of them lead secret gay or criminal lifestyles.
Ortega's Return to Nicaragua #~# Daniel Ortega, the one-time Sandanista leader, was just elected to president of Nicaragua. What do you think?
Over-Competitive Lance Armstrong Challenges Cancer To Rematch #~# AUSTIN, TX—Lance Armstrong, the ultra-competitive seven-time Tour de France champion who recently ran the New York Marathon in under three hours, held a press conference Tuesday to announce that he will be taking the next three months to prepare for a rematch against the opponent with whom he is most often identified: cancer.
Casual NASCAR Fan Fails To Appreciate Subtleties Of Eight-Car Crash #~# WESTCHESTER, NY—Occasional stock-car-racing viewer Rob Kleindienst remained unaware of, if not unimpressed by, the strategic and mechanical intricacies of a late-race accident involving eight different drivers in last Sunday's Dickies 500 at the Texas Speedway. "Wow, it just looked like the Bud Light guy barely tapped that No. 10 car and everyone just went all over the place," said Kleindienst, attempting to describe what happened when driver Kevin Harvick's approach interrupted the airflow over the spoiler of Scott Riggs' Dodge Charger, causing a loss of mechanical adhesion that resulted in catastrophic understeer and ultimately a cascading racing incident. "It was, like, sheeeoow! Whammo! Guys flying everywhere." NASCAR officials said that although Kleindienst is certainly lacking in technical knowledge, the hand motions, facial contortions, and onomatopoeia he employed while describing the accident all met or exceeded their standards.
Heisman Candidate Promises Voters Free Health Care, Lower Taxes #~# MORGANTOWN, WV—With his stock falling and his projected share of the vote expected to be smaller with every passing week, Steve Slaton (RB-West Virginia) has begun making extravagant promises late in his Heisman campaign. "A vote for me is not only a vote for a gutsy all-purpose back who can run, catch, and block, but for free health care for all Americans, greater access to continuing education to those who qualify, and lower taxes for the American middle class," Slaton said Tuesday in an announcement approved by West Virginia's sports-information director. "Troy Smith may be a fast quarterback with a rocket arm, but he does not share your interests and does not believe in distributing the wealth as well as he distributes the ball." Heisman voters remain unmoved, saying that Slaton's two recent fumbles against Louisville prove that he is weak on national ball security.
ESPN Online Chat With Buster Olney Reveals He's Illiterate #~# BRISTOL, CT—During a special ESPN.com "Hot Stove Preview" chat session last Monday, it was revealed that leading baseball analyst Buster Olney is unable to read or write. "Evry teem nedes god pichinq," Olney wrote in response to a question about whether or not he thinks Barry Bonds will resign with the Giants. He added: "RGFlssdas glkfrsfgtyr 578fhs3lka;d." Several ESPN.com contributors, including Jayson Stark and Rob Neyer, came to Olney's defense the following day, saying that they too are illiterate, but believe that skills such as reading or writing are unnecessary in their line of work.
Gary Sheffield's Agent Warns Interested Teams Not To Tap Glass #~# NEW YORK—With his newly available client Gary Sheffield on 24-hour display in an eight-square-foot glass enclosure, agent/warden Rufus Williams advised all interested general managers to avoid tapping the glass, staring, using flash photography, or making any sudden movements while in the vicinity of the notoriously temperamental Yankee right-fielder. "Gary is in a very bad mood today—you can tell by the way he's gnawing at his straight jacket—so please, for the love of God, whatever you do, keep your voice down and don't give him a reason to attack," Williams said to a group of representatives from the Padres, Angels, and Giants. "Now, if you have any offers, you can submit them to me later at—wait, shh, he's stirring… I told you to be quiet… Oh no… Get out! Get out while you still ca—aaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!" Upon escaping, Sheffield was able to maul GMs from eight teams with a losing record and one that wanted to play him at first base before being eventually subdued and signed by Scott Boras.
Evangelical Pastor Under Fire #~# After admitting that he received sexual favors and meth from a male prostitute, President of the National Association of Evangelicals Ted Haggard resigned his post and was dismissed from his church. What do you think? 
Rumsfeld: 'My Half-Assed Job Here Is Done' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—After nearly six years of much-publicized service as Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld announced his resignation Wednesday afternoon, saying that he had "proudly accomplished everything [he'd] set out to bungle." "Years ago, I decided to bog this great nation down in an extended, grueling foreign occupation, and I'm happy to say that's exactly what I've done," said Rumsfeld in a farewell address at the White House, during which he urged Americans to continue waging the ill-conceived, mismanaged, and evidently unwelcome fight for democracy in the Middle East. "Each of my actions—from undersupplying troops with body armor to focusing on capturing Saddam Hussein while Osama bin Laden remained free—has led America inexorably toward our current state of extreme crisis. Well, anyway, goodbye!" President Bush expressed confidence that Robert Gates, his new nominee for Secretary of Defense, will be able to "fuck everything up the rest of the way."
Hussein Sentenced To Death #~# Saddam Hussein was found guilty and sentenced to death for crimes against humanity. What do you think?
A Deal Of This Magnitude Only Comes To Television Once An Hour #~# Hey! Are you tired of spending your hard-earned money on products that don't live up to their claims? 
Encouraging Abstinence For Adults #~# The government recently expanded its abstinence-only message to include adults. They have used the following strategies to encourage men and women to abstain from sex:
I'd Make A Good Fat Guy #~# I recently read somewhere that 64 percent of adult Americans are overweight or obese. And it got me to thinking: If I had to, not only could I put on the extra weight, but I'd actually be a pretty impressive fat guy. 
Politicians Sweep Midterm Elections #~# WASHINGTON, DC—After months of aggressive campaigning and with nearly 99 percent of ballots counted, politicians were the big winners in Tuesday's midterm election, taking all 435 seats in the House of Representatives, retaining a majority with 100 out of 100 seats in the Senate, and pushing political candidates to victory in each of the 36 gubernatorial races up for grabs. 
Voter Turnout Reaches All-Time Low Of 17 #~# NEW YORK—Poll data indicates the 2006 mid-term elections were marked by the lowest turnout ever, with only 17 total votes cast. "Some 24 percent of those who showed up were registered Independents between the ages of 39, 54, 71, and 73, while, surprisingly, less than six percent appeared to be soccer moms driving a green 2000 Plymouth Voyager," said Harrison Cullers of the Advance Logistics Research Group. "This really shows how much impact a get-out-the-vote campaign that averages $2.5 million per voter can have on the important Milwaukee-resident-Dave-Anderson demographic." Critics say the low voter turnout was only exacerbated by problems with Diebold electronic voting machines, citing one Ohio district in which a local Democrat received negative 12 votes.
Republicans Blame Election Losses On Democrats #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Republican officials are blaming tonight's GOP losses on Democrats, who they claim have engaged in a wide variety of "aggressive, premeditated, anti-Republican campaigns" over the past six-to-18 months. "We have evidence of a well-organized, well-funded series of operations designed specifically to undermine our message, depict our past performance in a negative light, and drive Republicans out of office," said Republican National Committee chairman Ken Mehlman, who accused an organization called the Democratic National Committee of spearheading the nationwide effort. "There are reports of television spots, print ads, even volunteers going door-to-door encouraging citizens to vote against us." Acknowledging that the "damage has already been done," Mehlman is seeking a promise from Democrats to never again engage in similar practices.
Write-In Candidate Thought He Had Enough Friends To Win #~# CUMBERLAND, WI—Small-business owner and colorful local character Dan "Daffy" Duckson's write-in campaign was defeated by a nearly eight-to-one margin in the Cumberland mayoral campaign Tuesday, completely undoing Duckson's strategy of assuming a wide support base among his many friends. "Everyone in Cumberland knows me—they wave at me from their trucks, they ask me to make their sandwiches special at the shop because I know how they like them, and when I asked if they'd vote for me, almost all of them said 'sure,'" Duckson said. "I thought I was a shoo-in for this. Maybe I should've put a bigger sign in the shop window." Re-elected incumbent Mayor Harold Truesdell congratulated Duckson on a good, clean, and transparent campaign.
Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line Of Healthy Snacks #~# PLANO, TX—With the recent trend of wholesome snack foods reaching "truly ridiculous proportions," Frito-Lay announced Monday that it would, against its better judgment, roll out a new line of healthy fruit-and-vegetable-based chips next February.
Will Democrats Regain Control? #~# Democrats are hoping to regain congressional power for the first time in 12 years today. What do you think?
Area Man Achieves Your Dream #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—After almost two decades of dreaming on your part, 34-year-old Stephen Hochenko achieved your goal of opening up a small bookstore and café last Thursday, coincidentally in the exact location you had planned to open yours. 
Smoking Ads Ineffective #~# According to the American Journal of Public Health, children age 12-17 had stronger intentions to smoke more after viewing ads encouraging parents to talk to their children about smoking. What do you think?
Sexual Tension Unbearable Between 15-Year-Old, Rest Of World #~# MELBOURNE, FL—Palm Bay High School freshman Keith Ness said the overwhelming sexual tension he experiences daily between himself and roughly 3.65 billion other people on earth has become "almost more than [he] can handle."
Impressive New Honda Inspires John Mellencamp To Write Song About Japan #~# INDIANAPOLIS—The high quality and enduring value of the new 2007 Honda Accord has inspired roots-rock veteran John Mellencamp to write a stirring hymn about the working-class nation of Japan. "Oh, you noble land of the rising sun/Where discipline and duty are still number one," Mellencamp sings in the video for "Buddha On The Highway," in which he is seen playing his guitar on the hood of a bright orange Accord parked in a terraced rice paddy. "There's a place in Nihon for me and you/I was born in Hokkaido and I'll die there, too." Mellencamp has reportedly begun work on a follow-up song telling the story of Hideo and Mariko, two Okinawan kids doing the best they can, who lose their jobs when Honda closes down the local plant and moves operations to Marysville, OH.
Laura Bush Suspects Anniversary Card Penned By Speech Writer #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Although first lady Laura Bush "very much appreciated" the wedding anniversary card she recently received from President Bush, she said she "harbored suspicions" that its inscription is the work of one of the commander in chief's speechwriters. "Make no mistake, my beloved spouse: This marriage has been an enduring achievement that will continue to make significant strides well into the 21st century," the pastel-colored document read. "As a president and a husband, I pledge to you that I will not cut and run from the greatest wife in the world. I believe marriage is between one man and one woman, and, make no mistake, I would marry you all over again." Mrs. Bush has placed the card on the Roosevelt Library fireplace mantle next to the card her husband sent on her last birthday, which urged renewed cooperation, defined life as beginning at 50, and had puppies on it.
Bush 41 Christens Navy Ship #~# Recently, President George H.W. Bush christened a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier bearing his name. What do you think?
America's Cowboys Suffering From Restless Heart Syndrome #~# ATLANTA, GA—Officials from the Centers For Disease Control said Monday that preliminary results from a long-term study showed that the vast majority of America's cowboys suffer from Restless Heart Syndrome, a disorder categorized by deep pangs of yearning, usually following extended, alternating bouts of lethargy and wanderlust.
Missed Extra Point From 1979 Comes Back To Haunt Jets #~# CLEVELAND— Jets head coach Eric Mangini blamed "a lack of attention to detail" and the "long shadow of our franchise's historical mistakes" for Sunday's poor showing against the Browns, noting that a long-lamented missed PAT from 1979 had finally had enough of a negative effect to cause a Jets loss. "I remember when Frank Gifford was calling that game, he said that missed extra point would cost us later on," said Mangini, who said an underperforming offense was also a minor factor. "I mean, I was only 8, and the Jets beat the Dolphins 33-17, but I knew it was just a matter of time." Jets quarterback Chad Pennington said he had also felt the 27-year-old miss hanging over his head, particularly during the fourth quarter of the game and the late 1990s.
Area Smoker One Of America's Top Phlegm-Producers #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A report released by the Department Of Respiratory Affairs revealed that Brooklyn, NY smoker T. Eric Mayhew, 38, has risen to the ranks of America's 2006 top phlegm-producers, alone accounting for nearly  seven percent of aggregate phlegm yield in the Northeast. 
Peyton Manning: 'I Won This Game As A Team' #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Responding to critics who claim that recent games demonstrate that Indianapolis is a one-dimensional pass-first team with a porous run defense, quarterback Peyton Manning leapt to his team's defense Monday by saying that he, Peyton Manning, won or lost Colts football games as a team. "Everything I do out there, every play, every first down, every touchdown pass, I do as a team," said Manning, who added he resented the implication that he was weak in the short-yardage running game and could not pick up the blitz. "Need I remind you that I've converted 68 percent of my second-half third-down chances this year, that I have the lowest team average in dropped passes, and that I'm still undefeated? I think I'm doing pretty good for the so-called 'worst Colts team in years,' don't you?" When asked about placekicker Adam Vinatieri's last-minute game-wnning field goal against Denver last Sunday, a confused Manning said he "wished Vinatieri continued good luck with the Patriots."
Cardinals Apologize For Winning World Series #~# ST. LOUIS—Calling Friday night's victory on baseball's grandest stage "a terrible mistake," members of the St. Louis Cardinals issued a formal apology for making the playoffs, winning the World Series, and depriving baseball fans everywhere of a season featuring the kind of heartwarming, storybook ending to which they have grown accustomed in recent years.
YouTube Clamps Down #~# YouTube, the popular video-hosting website, is getting rid of all clips copyrighted by others.  What do you think?
NBA To Honor Red Auerbach By Playing Defense #~# BOSTON—Commissioner David Stern announced at a press conference Monday that, in order to honor recently deceased basketball legend Red Auerbach, all NBA teams would play good, fundamental defense during the first weekend of play this November. "Though this will be a sacrifice for many players, I think this is something Red would have wanted," Stern said. "He always liked when players guarded the passing lanes, kept their hands up, and remained in front of their opponents even if it meant expending a little more energy in the process. Basically, he liked activity on the basketball court." Though the majority of NBA players seem to agree the tribute is fitting, many have said that because they haven't played defense in such a long time, they really hope they remember how.
Michael Vick Credits Increased Passing Accuracy To Using His Right Hand #~# ATLANTA—Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, whose passing improved dramatically over the past two weeks as he completed 66 percent of his passes and threw for seven touchdowns, claims his newfound accuracy came from his decision to throw the ball right-handed. "I just sort of got in the habit of carrying the ball in my left hand, and I just used my right hand for stiff-arming people," said Vick, who completed a remarkable 20 of 28 passes to his pleasantly stunned receivers in the October 29 game against the Bengals. "Do you know, a lot of people mistakenly thought I was left-handed? I guess that's my fault." Vick added that his fumble against Cincinnati was due to his not knowing that it was, in fact, legal to carry the ball in both hands.
Nuke Secrets Found In Meth Lab #~# Three flash drives from the Los Alamos nuclear facility were recently recovered during a meth raid. What do you think? 
I Didn't Install This Two-Way Motel-Room Mirror To Watch People Commit Suicide #~# I don't get it. Is today's society that joyless? What happened to the days when a man and a woman, or even better, a woman and a woman, came to a small motel in a tiny town off the interstate, requested an room with an hourly rate, signed in under obviously fake names, paid cash, and enjoyed some possibly illicit but vigorous and consensual sex? Please don't tell me that all ended in the '70s. Please tell me there are still swingers out there who love life and aren't afraid to have a little fun once in a while. Please. Because things have not been going the way I'd planned since I installed this new two-way mirror. Not at all.  
I'm Always Up For Some Commitment #~# Every time I see an attractive, single woman walk down the street, I've got just one thing on my mind: cultivating a loving, fulfilling, reciprocal relationship with her over the course of several years. Trust me, I've never met a lady I didn't like at first, get to know better as the weeks passed, build a rapport with, and eventually outright love.
Limbaugh Accusations #~# Last week, Rush Limbaugh accused Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his Parkinson's disease symptoms in an ad promoting stem-cell research. Here are Limbaugh's other recent targets, and his reasons for attacking them:
Bush: Thousands Of Registered Democrats Needed For 'Extremely Important' Mission #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a televised address to the nation Monday, President Bush announced that the U.S. is in "desperate need of thousands of registered Democrats" to conduct what he called an "extremely important mission" to begin immediately and continue at least until the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November. 
Former Marine Sniper Slapped With 3,000-Yard Restraining Order #~# MACON, GA—Citing Emily Holman's right to feel safe traversing vast open spaces, especially when within visual range of clock towers, parking structures, and tall buildings, a judge awarded the 28-year-old a 3,000-yard restraining order yesterday against her former boyfriend, retired Marine sniper Gordon Lee Blackwood. "When we broke up he started calling me 10 times a day from his job," said Holman, who realized Blackwood's office building, which had an open, flat roof, was only 1,800 yards away. "He had me flinching every time I saw sunlight glinting off any surface within two and a half miles." Blackwood would not comment on the judge's decision, saying only that he still loved Holman and was trying to understand the distance and crosswinds that separated them.
President Ford Dead #~# President Gerald Ford, our nation's 38th President, died Tuesday at the age of 93 at his desert home in California. What do you think?
New Year's Resolutions #~# Every year, Americans celebrate the New Year by resolving to change some aspect of their lives. What is your New Year's resolution?
Smoke Alarms May Fail To Wake Children #~# Studies show that many children do not wake up for smoke alarms, a special concern over the holidays. What do you think?
Responsible Holiday Drinking #~# People tend to drink more over the holiday season. How will you drink responsibly this year?
Holiday Travel Plans #~# How will you be dealing with hectic holiday travel?
Mallard Fillmore Scribe DUI #~# Edward Bruce Tinsley, the creator of conservative-duck comic strip Mallard Fillmore, was arrested on DUI charges. What do you  think? 
Karl Rove Accused Of Throwing Midterm Elections #~# The Democrats' resounding midterm election triumph—sweeping both houses of Congress, as well as a majority of state legislatures and governorships—immediately bred suspicion among party leadership that Karl Rove, President Bush's closest adviser and the political mastermind behind Bush's rise to power, was once again pulling the strings.
Kevin Federline, Wife Divorce #~# Celebrities and personal drama took center stage before a gossip-hungry public this year, and perhaps none received more press than superstar rapper Kevin Federline. So when his wife of two years abruptly filed for divorce, the country took notice.
Coretta Scott King's Wiretap Ends #~# January saw the passing of 78-year-old Coretta Scott King, widow of slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr., and with it, the end of the FBI's around-the-clock phone surveillance of Mrs. King. 
Generous Vice President Cheney Gives Hard-Working Media Field Day #~# 2006 was the year Vice President Dick Cheney broke from his traditionally parsimonious relationship with the news media, and rewarded journalists and commentators with an extremely provocative news item involving the near-point-blank shooting of 78-year-old friend and campaign contributor Harry Whittington on a Texas ranch. 
Ken Lay's Children Inherit 4,000 Pensions #~# When Enron founder Kenneth Lay died suddenly, less than two months after being convicted of conspiracy and securities fraud in May, it seemed to be the final chapter in the collapsed energy giant's infamous saga. Yet the disgraced executive managed to extend a hand of generosity from beyond the grave, leaving an inheritance of 4,000 Enron employee pensions to his grieving children.
NASA Launches Probe To Inform Pluto Of Demotion #~# In August, the International Astronomical Union downgraded Pluto to a dwarf planet. The panel of experts met to officially redefine the characteristics of a planet. To deliver the news to the distant orb about its newly lowered status, scientists at NASA's Kennedy Space Center launched a special messenger probe in September.
Unreported News Stories Of 2006 #~# The Onion ranks the year's most important news items that never made it to the front page:
Thousands More Dead In Continuing Iraq Victory #~# Statistics released by the Department Of Defense estimated that 2,937 U.S. troops and over 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died in the ongoing American military victory in Iraq.
Israel Bombs Anti-Semitism Out Of Lebanon #~# After decades of periodic conflict with Lebanon that cost thousands of lives, Israel successfully eradicated all traces of anti-Semitism from its northern neighbor with a series of heavy bombing attacks in July.
Al Gore Caught Warming Globe To Increase Box Office Profits #~# Dozens of eyewitness reports indicated that former vice president Al Gore deliberately attempted to raise the earth's temperature in order to boost box office receipts for An Inconvenient Truth, his documentary film about global warming that was released in May.
Israelis Talk Nukes #~# Critics called for the resignation of Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert after he accidentally acknowledged for the first time that Israel had nuclear weapons. What do you think?
Osama Bin Laden Takes Credit For Crocodile Hunter's Death #~# Millions worldwide were stunned by the September death of Steve Irwin, TV's Crocodile Hunter, and were further shocked by the release of a videotaped message from Osama bin Laden, in which the al-Qaeda leader took responsibility for the Australian wildlife enthusiast's death. 
Annan Criticizes Bush #~# Former UN Secretary General Kofi Annan used his farewell address to criticize the Bush Administration for turning its back on human rights and abandoning American principles. What do you think? 
Kobe Bryant Mourns Passing Of Ball #~# LOS ANGELES—Lakers guard Kobe Bryant was visibly shaken, angry, and confused at center court of the Staples Center Tuesday night when the basketball that he held so close for most of the game was suddenly and inexplicably passed away. "It feels like I was just holding it in my hands a second ago, and now it's gone," said a tearful Bryant, who admitted he "just wasn't ready to let go." "I wish I could say it's in a better place now, but honestly, I'm not sure I can make myself believe that." Bryant later promised that, should he ever get close to another ball, he would make sure that something like this would never happen again.
Apocalypto Star Wants To Show He Can Do Mayan Comedy #~# HOLLYWOOD—Actor Tee Dee Nae, star of Mel Gibson's new drama, Apocalypto, about the fall of the Mayan empire, told reporters attending a press junket yesterday that he refuses to be "pigeonholed" as a dramatic Mayan actor, and would like to showcase his talent in more lighthearted Mayan fare. "Most people don't know it, but I spent my first 10 years in the business doing Mayan improv at the Second City in Tikal," said Nae, adding that he hoped his early success would allow him to choose a broad range of roles that run the gamut of Mayan subjects and genres. "Nobody wants to end up like [former Mayan action star] Ah Bolom Tzacab." Nae said he was currently shopping around a self-penned script for a comedic send-up of antiquated Mayan social mores, titled Summer At Lake Chichancanab.
New Rocky  Film Just Three Montages #~# HOLLYWOOD—Film critic Jeff Reese, who viewed an advanced screening of Rocky Balboa at Arclight Cinemas last Friday, has reported that the newest installment in the Rocky franchise is mainly composed of three extended montages. "The first [montage] occurs nine minutes into the film, right after Rocky is offered a chance to fight the champion, as Rocky recalls everything in his life that brought him to this point. There are flashbacks of, among other things, him arguing with Mick in his dingy apartment, ice-skating with Adrian, holding Apollo Creed while he dies in his arms, and defeating the Russian, all while several of the series' trademark musical numbers including 'The Measure of a Man' and 'There's no Easy Way Out' play in the background," said Reese, noting that the montage sequences were extremely well-edited and comprehensive. "Once we rejoin Stallone's character in the present, the film launches into a 25-minute training montage, set to an extended version of 'Eye of the Tiger' that eventually segues into 'Gonna Fly Now' as Rocky once again sprints up the stairs of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Once we finally arrive at the momentous final bout, Bill Conti's 'Going the Distance' is played as the number of each brutal round fades in and out, suggesting that the match is more of a long battle of attrition. That sort of thing." Reese added that the movie was "pretty much what [he] expected."
Nation Gears Up For Hockey's First Season Following Lockout #~# NEW YORK—As winter tightens its grip on the nation, hockey fans from coast to coast are breaking out their team sweaters for the first time in what seems like ages, eagerly anticipating attending their first professional hockey game since the NHL's lockout began quite some time ago.
Area Man Claims To Be NHL Hall Of Famer #~# BROOKLINE, MA—According to friends and neighbors, local resident Robert Orr has repeatedly mentioned in casual conversation that he has been enshrined in the National Hockey League's Hall of Fame. "Rob's such a joker—he's always saying silly things about how he used to be this famous hockey player and how he scored all these goals and things," said neighbor Maureen Norris, who has known Orr since he was 18 and remembers him as a "hard-working boy" who used to travel out-of-state a lot for business before evidently taking early retirement. "Sometimes it's like he really believes all that baloney, though, so I usually just play along." Those closer to Orr, including his wife and two sons, became concerned about his mental health, however, when he started taking them to the annual NHL Hall of Fame induction ceremonies and pretending to know everyone in attendance. 
Street Team Of NHL Players Posts Fliers Promoting Upcoming Game #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Citing poor season-ticket sales, lackluster attendance, and the fact that they "just play better in front of a crowd," members of the San Jose Sharks hit the streets Thursday with fluorescent blue fliers promoting their upcoming game against the Los Angeles Kings. "Anyone here into sports at all? 'Cause if you are, I think you'd really like what we do," Sharks team captain and public-relations coordinator Patrick Marleau said to a group of politely attentive shoppers on Santana Row. "There's going to be live organ music, we have beer and nachos and stuff, it's a good atmosphere. You guys should definitely come by later if you aren't busy." Marleau was assisted by Joe Thornton, the Sharks' leading scorer and 2005 NHL MVP, who assisted in tearing off pieces of tape and made sure the 'GAME 2-NITE' posters were level.
Dec. 29, 1987 #~# Reagan Proclaims ‘Late Afternoon In America,’ Takes Nap
Apocalypto Tops Box Office #~# Mel Gibson’s Mayan action film Apocalypto was the big winner at the box office this weekend. What do you think?
New Sirius Radio Programs #~# Sirius Satellite Radio has failed to meet its year-end subscriber expectations. Here are some new shows and channels Sirius is rolling out to gain new listeners:
Dictator Slays Millions In Last-Minute Push To Be Time's Man Of The Year #~# RANGOON, MYANMAR—Than Shwe, the brutal dictator of the southeast Asian nation of Myanmar, dramatically increased his already horrific rate of murdering citizens this week in a late, desperate attempt to become Time magazine's 2006 Man Of The Year, who will be honored in the Dec. 25 issue.
How Did I End Up On The Cover Of This Romance Novel? #~# Last week at the supermarket, while shopping for my weekly supply of three dozen eggs and 12 pounds of mutton, I spotted a rack near the checkout lane containing several romance paperbacks. Normally, such trash wouldn't get a second glance from my coal-black eyes, but the sight of one book practically made my chiseled jaw drop. There, on the cover of Dark Passions was yours truly, Duncan Larksthrush, in the flesh.
The Last Thing America Needs Is Another President #~# For as long as I can remember, this country has gotten itself all worked up every four years or so trying to pick just the right person to be in charge of the executive branch. It's always a mess, and it always turns out the same way: We elect a president, and everything goes to pot. And now I hear we're going to have to go through this again! We just had a president, for Pete's sake, and it looks like we're going to repeat the same stupid mistake we've already made 43 times before, only for the sake of tradition.
Failed Attempt At Hyperbole Yields Dead-On Statistic #~# TOANO, VA—In an unsuccessful attempt Wednesday to illustrate a point through exaggeration, high-school senior Abby Hollard accurately informed classmates that someone "probably dies from AIDS every 10 seconds," the exact figure reported by the Joint United Nations Program on AIDS in 2006. "I bet, like, 40 million people have AIDS," said Hollard, failing again to embellish on the international agency's findings. "It's practically a pandemic." UN representatives said Hollard showed an impressive understanding of the crisis, although her estimate of the amount the U.S. spends combating the disease was off by about $99 billion.
Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating! #~# Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! My, oh, my, only 12 nights left until Christmas Eve! Things are getting so close now, we can hardly contain ourselves here at the North Pole. And from the looks of it, my young friend, we’re not the only ones set to burst! Why, Jolly Old Saint Nick hasn’t seen a Yule log this lit in ages!
Chile's Pinochet Dead #~# Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet died Sunday at 91.  What do you think?
Marine Hopes To Spend Second Tour Of Duty On Different Baghdad City Block #~# BAGHDAD—Lance Cpl. Rudy Coletto, a Marine on his first tour of duty in Baghdad's violence-wracked Tissa Nissan district, said he hopes to be reassigned to a different area of the city once his request for discharge is refused. "After I'm told I can't leave the Corps, I hope they at least station me on a different tiny besieged island of U.S. control," said Coletto, 24, who has defended the same 30-by-30-yard square since arriving in Iraq last Christmas. "I was thinking maybe that one block of the Sunni district we patrol up in north Baghdad, or even that two-block section of Doura where they've almost managed to enforce the curfew." Coletto's commanding officer said that he would almost certainly be transferred elsewhere after the Tissa Nissan base is overrun by insurgents and abandoned within the month.
Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating! #~# Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! My, oh, my, only 12 nights left until Christmas Eve! Things are getting so close now, we can hardly contain ourselves here at the North Pole. And from the looks of it, my young friend, we’re not the only ones set to burst! Why, Jolly Old Saint Nick hasn’t seen a Yule log this lit in ages!
Discouraged Bush Begins Seeking Approval Of Other Nations #~# WASHINGTON—With public opinion sinking to an all-time low, a forlorn President Bush announced his intention Tuesday to "pack it in" and embark on a 192-nation trip seeking the favor and approval of a foreign country. 
Hero Man Dials 911 #~# NORCROSS, GA—Patricia Welch is lucky to be alive. Just days ago, the 37-year-old human-resources specialist lay helpless and bleeding on the brink of death, the victim of a freak accident in her own home. But the story gets even stranger: Welch owes her life to one brave but unlikely companion, who remarkably managed to dial 911 just in time. 
Cheney's Lesbian Daughter Pregnant #~# Vice President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary is pregnant. What do you think?
Egyptian Conservationists Fight To Protect Dwindling Mummy Population #~# CAIRO—As the sun sets over Cairo, the streets are eerily quiet. Just a few years ago, the hillsides from Luxor to Giza would have been buzzing with the familiar sounds of tomb doors creaking open and bones snapping under the methodical shuffling of a slow, catatonic gait. But the telltale signs of Egypt's indigenous mummy population have fallen silent recently, and the fearsome creatures that once lurched freely across the Valley of the Kings are disappearing at an alarming rate. If nothing is done, experts say, the Egyptian mummy will soon go the way of the Bavarian lycanthrope or the Transylvanian vampire, and vanish forever.
Jen And Vince Split #~# People magazine reports that Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have broken up. What do you think?
Groom Getting Cold Feet About Bachelor Party #~# WESTPORT, MA—Husband-to-be Matthew Reese experienced "second thoughts" Friday, just moments before attending the bachelor party his friends had been planning for months was set to begin. "How do I know I've picked the right stripper?" said Reese, as he mentally prepared himself to take long walk down the aisle of tables in the Scores VIP lounge. "I've been imagining this moment since I was 12, but now I'm worried the lap dances won't live up to my expectations. What if I'm just not ready for this level of irresponsibility?" Reese went on to say he regretted committing to a single topless bar for the rest of his night, but felt that it was too late to change his mind.
E. Coli At Taco Bell #~# At least 65 people in New York and New Jersey have fallen ill after eating at Taco Bell restaurants. What do you think?
Tiger Woods Adopts Son To Compete In PGA's Del Webb Father/Son Challenge #~# ORLANDO, FL—Calling it "the best decision [he's] ever made," Tiger Woods adopted 11-year-old orphan Randy Gearhardt last week so he would qualify for the PGA Tour's annual Del Webb Father/Son Challenge. "I love my little Rodney [sic]—he has a good heart, and a much better short game than Vijay Singh's son," Woods said following the tandem's first-place finish in the tournament. "Even though we wouldn't have won if it weren't for me, I'm still proud of him." Now that the season is over, Woods said he is planning on spending a lot of time with his son, devoting every waking hour to molding him into the greatest golfer in the sport's history
Lions Claim They Spoiled Patriots' Season #~# DETROIT—Jubilant Lions fans, players, and coaches alike continue to ride the wave of good feelings and positive thinking that began after the team lost by only a single touchdown to the talented and efficient New England Patriots Sunday, a fact they say negates anything else the Patriots achieve this season. "For a team like ours to hold a lead against a team like that going into the fourth quarter… As far as we're concerned, an era ended with that game," Lions GM Matt Millen said Monday. "Tom Brady had to pull 15 points out of nowhere to beat us, didn't he? That's the sort of last-minute heroics that can haunt a team forever." Patriots coach Bill Belichick, while not willing to declare the Patriots' season a washout, admitted disappointment that his team "wound up playing that three-ring retard circus of a joke team so damn close."
BCS Determines No Team Worthy Of Facing Ohio State In Championship Game #~# COLUMBUS, OH—In what many BCS officials are citing as "proof that their flawless system indeed works," no Division 1-A college football team was found to possess the sheer excellence required to face Ohio State, the No. 1 ranked team since the season began, in this year's BCS Championship game.
Healthy Grant Hill Schedules Season-Ending Surgery #~# ORLANDO—Injury-prone Orlando Magic forward Grant Hill announced yesterday that he has scheduled season-ending surgery despite being in the "best shape of [his] career." "I'm doing fine, but now just feels like the right time to get major reconstruction done on my ankle," Hill said after a practice in which he led his team in several sets of wind sprints, and showed off his newly restored jumping ability with a 180-degree dunk. "My only hope is that the Orlando fans understand that this is ultimately for the best, and after rehab, I should be back next year ready to go." Hill has scheduled his surgery to take place the day before the Magic face the Detroit Pistons, a game Hill has been anticipating all season now that he is capable of playing full time and is leading his team in scoring.
Barry Bonds Quietly Retires From Baseball #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In a sparsely attended press conference Monday, veteran left-fielder Barry Bonds, son of former Giants great Bobby Bonds, announced his retirement from the game of baseball with his legacy and dignity intact. "I know I'm only 22 home runs shy of breaking the record, but to me it was never about the numbers, and always about coming to the ballpark each day and having fun," Bonds said. "Hopefully, I've made a small impact on this sport." Bonds went on to thank the players, fans, press, and all of Major League Baseball for "making this experience a truly memorable one."
Previously Unknown Prejudice Against Japanese Surfaces During Game Of Battleship #~# SAN FRANCISCO—An otherwise unremarkable game of Battleship, the time-honored naval-themed contest of double-blind coordinate prediction, resulted in a completely unheralded display of anti-Japanese bias by participant Ronald Clark, 39. "I thought you'd guess G-5, you clever Nip bastards," Clark muttered under his breath loudly enough to be heard by everyone in the family living room. "Good with numbers, aren't you, you slanty-eyed yellow bug-eaters?" Sources close to Clark later noted that when playing Monopoly, he usually refused to purchase property in cheaper, lower-rent neighborhoods because the "fucking beaners always trash the places anyway."
Bolton Steps Down #~# John Bolton, the American delegate to the UN, will step down when the current term runs out. What do you think?
Report: Recent Wednesday Felt Like Thursday #~# NEW YORK—An informal study of U.S. citizens has revealed that a recent Wednesday, specifically November 29, was intuitively and subliminally perceived to be a Thursday by office workers, retail personnel, and any others who had occasion to give thought to the day of the week. "I don't know why, but it was a total Thursday kind of day," said Sue Seversen, an assistant program coordinator at Minnesota General Services who theorized that the change from daylight-saving time or the recent drop in temperature could be to blame. "All day I kept thinking that at least tomorrow would be Friday. But then I'd realize it wasn't. Too bad." Over 90 percent of those misperceiving the day also professed some degree of disbelief that Christmas was almost here.
Philip Morris: 'Please Talk To Your Cooler Children About Cigarettes' #~# NEW YORK—Philip Morris, the largest manufacturer of tobacco products in the United States, released the first in a series of television commercials yesterday urging parents to take the time to educate their hipper, better looking, and more rebellious children about the dangers of smoking. "If your child is idolized by other kids, always gets the girls, and has no patience or respect for authority figures, please talk to him immediately about cigarettes," said the ad's narrator over a montage of Hollywood stars apparently smoking after intercourse. "Parents need to keep an eye on their charismatic and persuasive children, who are at the highest risk of smoking at an earlier age, when it's most respected by their peers." According to Philip Morris' new print-ad campaign running in Maxim and Sports Illustrated, it is unnecessary for parents to discuss the dangers of cigarettes with lame children who like board games, science, and their parents.
Rebels Immediately Regret Seizing Power In Zambia #~# LUSAKA, ZAMBIA—Only hours after assuming control of the deeply troubled country in a bloody coup, members of the United Deliverance Front admitted Monday that they might have made a "huge mistake" by seizing power in Zambia.
Iraq War Recommendations #~# The Baker Study Group released their report on new Iraq strategies. Here are the some of the other options for Iraq currently on the table:
Taxing Virtual Assets #~# A panel of scholars and government officials recently said that taxation of assets from online games such as World Of Warcraft is inevitable. What do you think?
Holiday Advertisers Seek Coveted Dicktard Demographic #~# NEW YORK—The advertising blitz before the holiday shopping season seems to come earlier and earlier, and this year is no exception, with more retailers than ever seeking to tap into the seemingly limitless spending power of the highly desirable dicktard demographic.
Area Man Accidentally Responds To Own 'M4M' Ad #~# ATLANTA—A Craigslist personal advertising a "Hot WM Looking 4 Same – 28" was accidentally responded to this Monday by its author, wardrobebuyer Stephen Mallory. "He lives right in my neighborhood, he's a professional, and he loves to work out—he sounds sexy," said Mallory after discovering the ad he had posted 10 hours earlier seeking a "mature, open-minded, no drama VGL WM for drinks, maybe more…". "In three weeks of searching, I haven't found anyone who really appealed to me, but this guy sounds absolutely perfect." Mallory said that although the slightly taller man described in the ad is a few years younger, he hopes the would-be mate won't mind.
Today's Audiences Just Don't Get Me #~# What has happened to the comedy crowds these days? Can you tell me that? I don't know what it is, but I just can't seem to connect at all with the average audience. Seriously, folks, what is the problem here? I've been doing this a whole lot longer than any of the clowns out on the circuit these days, so I think I know a thing or two about my craft by this point. These kids coming up now, they wouldn't know funny if you spelled it out for them with a 22-page Translator's Foreword in a special edition from Oxford University Press.
I'm Gonna Get Me A Wii If It Kills Me #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I got a lot on my plate these days. Serious, it was a one-two punch that almost laid Jim Anchower down for the count. Not long after I got dumped by that fat bitch Debbie, I got laid off at the carbonics place. Apparently, the market for tanks of carbon dioxide was kind of drying up, so they cut me loose. 
No iPods To Kim Jong Il #~# The White House has imposed a ban on the sale of iPods to North Korea. What do you think?
Nancy Pelosi Wants Congress To Want To Pass Bill #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Newly elected Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D–CA) accused her fellow House Democrats of "just mouthing support" for a bill she introduced that is expected to pass overwhelmingly when the incoming 110th Congress convenes next year. 
Vatican Employees Unable To Relax At Holiday Party With Pope Around #~# VATICAN CITY—According to various cardinals and nuns attending the Vatican's holiday party last night, festivities were made awkward by the unexpected appearance of Pope Benedict XVI. "[Prefect Emeritus] Bernardin [Gantin] was about to bust out his St. Bridget impression, which is just spot on, but then the pope walked over and we quickly changed the subject to the sacred presence of the Holy Spirit during transubstantiation," said a cardinal speaking on the condition of anonymity, adding that Pope Benedict's "way too formal" attire made everyone feel even more ill at ease. "He said he didn't want to talk about work, but guess who was the first one to make a segue from our favorite local restaurants to the Bangorian Controversy with the Church Of England?" Several Vatican employees recalled "the good old days" when Pope John Paul II turned a blind eye to their attempts to get the secretaries drunk playing "Never Have I Ever." 
Brash Young Floor Trader Trying To Rally Dow All By Self #~# NEW YORK—With the Dow Jones Industrial Average dipping below 12,200 at lunchtime today, floor trader Michael Campos, 24, is making an extraordinary personal effort to bring the index over the top before the closing bell later this afternoon. 
D.O.J. Investigates Self #~# The Justice Department is opening a probe to investigate its own use of wiretapping and warrantless surveillance. What do you think?
Overpopulation Concerns Force U.S. To Reopen South Dakota #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne announced yesterday that, in order to deal with a growing population that just passed 300 million, the U.S. will reopen the immense, barren region known as South Dakota for the first time since it was shuttered in 1931. "Though no human being has stepped foot on that desolate soil for the better part of a century, we believe it is the best option for addressing the overcrowding we see in the country's habitable states," Kempthorne said. "The great, uncharted territory of South Dakota is henceforth open, with plenty of space for anyone who wants it—anyone at all." According to Kempthorne, if national population continues to grow at this rate, his agency may consider lifting the federal ban on non-Mormon residents in Utah.
Roommate Not Seen For, Like, Five Days #~# LEXINGTON, KY—Ty Crandon and Wesley Sandino realized Tuesday that they haven't seen roommate Joel Kramer in, like, five days. "Dude, have you seen Joel?" Crandon asked Sandino as the two sorted the mail. "No? Shit. His door is closed, but I knocked and there was no answer. I don't think I've seen him since, like, Thursday." Sandino and Crandon said they figure he's been staying at girlfriend Nora Krause's or something, and they hope he's all right.
Doctor Unable To Hide His Excitement From Patient With Ultra-Rare Disease #~# ROCHESTER, MN—Dr. Erich Stellbrach, a general practitioner at the Mayo Clinic, could barely contain his exhilaration Monday upon discovering that patient Oliver Patterson, 54, has the extremely rare degenerative nerve disease Gertsmann-Straussler-Scheinker syndrome. "Mr. Patterson, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but you have—you're not going to believe it—spinocerebellar ataxia!" Stellbrach said, waving an x-ray of Patterson's spinal cord. "It afflicts only one in 2.9 million people!" Stellbrach recommended Patterson begin aggressive treatment to mitigate his impending brain dysfunction and onset of dementia, and made the patient promise to remain in his care.
GEICO Saves 15 Percent Or More By Discontinuing Advertising #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Executives at the car-insurance company GEICO learned Monday that they could slice 15 percent or more from their operating budget by discontinuing their extensive TV advertising campaign. "We couldn't believe it when we found out how much we could save by axing that ad campaign," said Tony Nicely, GEICO's chairman, president, and CEO. "Dropping that CGI gecko saved us a quarter of a million dollars—and it only took one phone call to our marketing department." Nicely added that sometimes a company has to save money to save money.
Part Written Specifically With Sylvia Saint In Mind #~# SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Aspiring porn screenwriter Dick Shavers said Monday that he wrote his script Blonde Rambition for Czech-born actress Sylvia Saint. "Sylvia's an incredible performer, so I wanted to create a project that I could involve her in," Shavers said. "She's got a real knack for portraying vulnerable innocence with the experience of a pro. I knew Sylvia was the only person who could play the cum-hungry co-ed who gets double pumped by two black studs." Shavers added that he thinks Saint already owns the cheerleading outfit required for the first scene. 
The Rice Confirmation #~# After a delay caused by Congressional Democrats, Condoleezza Rice will be confirmed as Secretary of State this week. What do you think? 
Huygens Space Probe Discoveries #~# The European Space Agency landed the Huygens probe on Saturn's largest moon, Titan , on Jan. 14. What have scientists discovered?
Someday, I Will Copyedit The Great American Novel #~# Most of my coworkers here at Washington Mutual have no idea who I really am. They see me correcting spelling errors in press releases and removing excess punctuation from quarterly reports, and they think that's all there is to me. But behind these horn-rimmed glasses, there's a woman dreaming big dreams. I won't be stuck standardizing verb tenses in business documents my whole life. One day, I will copyedit the Great American Novel. 
Breathalyzer Big Hit At Cop Party #~# AMARILLO, TX—In spite of the George Jones cover band and the Porterhouse steak dinner, the Lifeloc FC-10 Portable Breath Alcohol Tester was the hit of the Amarillo 12th Precinct Police Jamboree Monday night. "Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's my turn—gimme that or I'll shoot ya," said a besotted Sgt. Bill Dugan as he pawed at the breathalyzer in Officer Jack Ermi's mouth. "I just did five Cuervo shots, and I wanna see if I can get my blood number thingy up to .300." Attendees at the Jamboree said passing around the breath tester was nearly as fun as the impromptu pepper-spray fight at last fall's Coptoberfest.
My Reclining Squirrel Kung Fu Stance Is Eminently Defeatable #~# Dare you face me? I should think so! Even the most craven cowards of our land shake with laughter at my challenge. The most feeble and infirm peasants shrug with indifference when I pass. Far and wide, my name is known, and no men feel the slightest quaver of fear when they look upon me! For I am the legendary Quaking Rodent, and my Reclining Squirrel stance is eminently defeatable! 
U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year After Seeing Partially Exposed Breast On TV #~# WASHINGTON, DC—As the nation approaches the one-year anniversary of the Super Bowl XXXVIII tragedy, an FCC study shows that millions of U.S. children were severely traumatized by the exposure to a partially nude female breast during the Feb. 1, 2004 halftime show. 
Protest One Person Short Of Success #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The counter-inauguration protests held in Washington Wednesday were one person short of success, analysts reported Thursday. 
Crime Scene Used To Be Cool #~# LOS ANGELES—According to early arrivals at the scene of a multiple homicide in Koreatown, the alley is no longer cool.
Relationship Beats Second-Quarter Expectations #~# JERSEY CITY, NJ—Kirk Herman and Deanna Greunwald surprised friends by exceeding second-quarter expectations for their relationship Monday.
White House Dishwasher Tenders Resignation #~# WASHINGTON, DC—T. Eric Mayhew, 36, who began working in the White House kitchen the day President George W. Bush took office, submitted his resignation Monday. "The noble work of dishwashing preceded my appointment to this job and will continue long after I leave," Mayhew said. "It was an honor to serve under the president. I leave my post proudly, knowing the White House flatware is more sanitary today than it was when I began my work here." Mayhew will maintain his position until Bush appoints a replacement.
Mets Earmark $53 Million For Pitching Relief #~# NEW YORK—Following a stormy 2004 season that some observers called nothing short of a disaster, the New York Mets have addressed the tidal wave of criticism by earmarking more than $53 million to pitching relief. "We're doing all we can to salvage what's left of our team in this emergency situation," Mets general manager Omar Minaya said of his team, which signed pitcher Pedro Martinez in recent weeks. "We ask that everyone say a prayer for us as we attempt to rebuild this once-thriving franchise." The Mets also signed outfielder Carlos Beltran, dedicating $117 million to shore up a defense that has recently been flooded with runs.
Caged Saddam To Be Highlight Of Inaugural Ball #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Attendees at the Independence Ball, one of nine officially sanctioned galas celebrating President George W. Bush's second inauguration Thursday, will be treated to a viewing of a caged Saddam Hussein, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said Monday. "What better way to honor the president than with a physical symbol of his many first-term triumphs?" McClellan said as Hussein rattled the bars of a cage already suspended above the ballroom where the event will be held. "And I must compliment the planning committee. Outfitting Gitmo detainees with iron collars and forcing them to serve appetizers was an inspired stroke." Ball attendees will also be awarded door prizes, including a basket of nuts, 20 yards of cloth, and a barrel of crude oil.
The Upcoming Iraqi Election #~# How are iraqi citizens preparing for their Jan. 30 election?
Georgia's Evolution Stickers #~# Last week, a U.S. district judge ordered a Georgia school district to remove stickers reading, "Evolution is a theory, not a fact" from its textbooks. What do you think?
Junk Yardin' #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a fistful of problems lately. I had to beg Ron for a second chance at the crappy carbonics plant. That sucked, first because I hate begging, and second because I hate begging Ron. I had to remind him of the time I pulled this guy with a USMC tattoo off of him after he got too friendly with the marine's woman. I was hoping to cash that favor in for something good, instead I had to waste it on a job.  
Supreme Court To Break Up If Rehnquist Leaves #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to widespread speculation, members of the U.S. Supreme Court told reporters Monday that they will not continue to hear cases if Chief Justice William Rehnquist, 80, steps down. 
Law Enforcement Officials Call For Creation Of Bulletproof Sleeves #~# DETROIT—Citing decades of advancements in torso protection, the National Association of Law Enforcement Officials held a press conference Monday, calling for the development of a bulletproof sleeve. 
Waitstaff Tired Of Sleeping With Each Other #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—After years on the job, members of the Manilla Grill waitstaff reported Monday that they are tired of having sex with each other. 
I'm Pretty Sure I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings #~# I must admit that, at first, I wasn't sure if I was going to like the African-American Lit class I signed up for. I had to take it because it was the only humanities class available at 9:20 on Wednesdays—long story—and I just couldn't see what black lit had to do with pre-med. But you know what? Once I started listening—really listening—to what these beautiful writers had to say, I found myself totally inspired by the incredible black men and women who suffered so much because of their skin color and the fact that they had hardly any money. And even though I know that, as a white person, I will never really have a complete understanding of the black experience, I have to say that I now have a fairly good idea why the caged bird sings. 
Study: Watching Fewer Than Four Hours Of TV A Day Impairs Ability To Ridicule Pop Culture #~# NEW YORK—A Columbia University study released Tuesday suggests that viewing fewer than four hours of television a day severely inhibits a person's ability to ridicule popular culture.
Friend Whose Mom Just Died Allowed to Pick Pizza Topping #~# HYANNIS, NE—Because his mother died of cancer on Jan. 8, Jon Brendemuehl, 11, got to choose the pizza topping during a bowling outing with best friend Greg Weber and his family Monday. "Go ahead, Jon—pick whatever you like," Weber said as the entire table gazed at Brendemuehl in sympathy. "See, you got a higher score than all of us—even my dad, who once bowled a 300 game—and now you get to eat whatever kind of pizza you want. This is fun, hey?" Witnesses report Brendemuehl smiled weakly and ordered pepperoni.
Woman Sensitive About That Thing On Her Face #~# RUTLAND, VT—Coworkers of administrative assistant Audrey Foss, 28, reported Monday that she is "very sensitive" about that thing on the right side of her face. "Whenever you talk to Audrey, she'll sort of tilt her head away from you, or if she's sitting down, she'll cup her hand over her cheek," said Marcia Doland, Foss' supervisor at Rutland Heating and Cooling. "You can tell she's really self-conscious about that…well, whatever it is. She shouldn't be." In an informal office poll, nearly all of her coworkers agreed that Foss is pretty, even with the thing.
Blacks, Whites Put Differences Aside, Work Together To Make Better Burger #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Sadly, in 2005, America remains a nation deeply divided along racial lines. It's enough to cause one to lose hope. But divided as we are, every now and again something comes along to remind us just how much can be achieved when we view our differences as assets rather than liabilities. 
HMO Targets Blacks With 'Rapping Good' Health Campaign #~# MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Advertising executives say they have hit upon an ingenious new way to target blacks: Mount a campaign that co-opts their own language and musical style. "Many blacks enjoy 'rapping' music," said Briggs & Adams Advertising president Sherman Roe, who developed the campaign for HospCare HMO. "And what better way to tap into their market than by 'rapping' good health to them?" Roe's campaign employs the use of a black teenager doing a "rap" for good health. Billboards of the campaign have been put up in black neighborhoods, and radio and TV ads have aired on black-oriented stations in the area. Roe predicts area blacks will, as a result, be "'rapping' happy with their HMO service."
If Area Dad Steps On Legos One More Time #~# DARLINGTON, SC—According to loud reports from within the Kaminsky household Tuesday, if area father Russell Kaminsky steps on one more goddamn Lego, man, forget about it. "Gaaaaaaaaaa!" shouted Kaminsky, grimacing as he extracted a blue, two-peg Lego brick from his right instep. "I've told you a hundred times. This is it, this is the last warning: I step on one more Lego, and no one will ever step on another Lego in this house ever again, I promise." Observers are questioning Kaminsky's willingness to actually follow through on the threat, citing his failure to deliver on his Lincoln Logs ultimatum of last March. 
Celebrity Disappointed After Meeting Fan #~# LOS ANGELES— Denzel Washington, who on Monday finally met longtime fan Brenda Haines, found the encounter anticlimactic, the Oscar-winning actor said. "I don't know, from her fan mail I always thought she'd be more exciting, I guess," Washington said following his awkward four-minute conversation with the 47-year-old Pomona waitress and mother of three. "And I'd always imagined she was taller." 
MIT Researchers Discover Each Other #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA–While attempting to isolate a gene believed to be key to the development of the autoimmune disorder myasthenia gravis Monday, MIT geneticists Dr. Stephen Burch and Dr. Caryn Song made a breakthrough discovery: each other. "I was examining some cellular tissue when my electron microscope broke," Burch said. "Caryn offered to share her microscope, and each of us looked at the tissue through one of the eyepieces. At one point, our cheeks lightly touched, and I looked over and realized how beautiful she looks without her glasses. I always saw Caryn as a respected colleague. For the first time, I saw her as a woman." A process of trial-and-error sexual experimentation commenced later that evening, continuing well into the night.
Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King Jr. #~# Washington "completely ripped off" his personal mantra from civil-rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. "Ron's always saying how if someone doesn't have a cause worth dying for, then that person's life isn't worth living," Duncan said Monday. "Nice try, Ron, but you can't fool me. You totally stole that whole idea from Dr. King." Duncan said he hopes King's estate "nails Ron's ass for plagiarism."
Zambia Elects Black President #~# LUSAKA, ZAMBIA—In a historic triumph for Zambia's African-African community, Bilikisu Adewale, a 49-year-old black man, was elected president Monday. 
The Teacher Shortage #~# America is suffering from a severe shortage of schoolteachers. What incentives are being offered to draw more people to the profession?
Anti-Racism Laws Mutate Racism Into Newer, Stronger Form #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the Center For The Study Of Human-Morality-Legislation Attempts, the passage of anti-racism laws in recent decades may have caused racism to mutate into newer, stronger forms, undermining federal efforts to control the spread of the disease by spawning new strains of "super-racism" impervious to traditional treatment methods. 
Human Rights And The U.S. #~# According to Amnesty International, the U.S. is no longer the world's human-rights leader. What do you think?
Racial Harmony Achieved By Casting Of Black Actor As Teen Computer Whiz #~# BURBANK, CA—The long-standing economic, political and social divisions between blacks and whites in America at long last ended Monday with a TV producer's casting of a black actor in a bit part as a teen computer-whiz archetype.
Get Smooved #~# Girl, if there is any doubt in your mind as to what time it is, let me break it down for you: It is time for you to get Smooved.
I Can Instantly Tell Whether Someone Is African-American With My Amazing 'Blackdar' #~# I have this amazing gift. It's called "blackdar," and it enables me to tell whether someone is African-American without even knowing anything about them. To be honest, I don't know where I got the skill. But wherever I did, I can pass somebody on the street and just instantly know. 
Bush Celebrates Millionth Utterance Of 'Lessons Of Sept. 11' #~# NEW YORK (Sept. 3)—The already jubilant mood of the Republican National Convention was given a further boost Thursday night when, during his closing address at Madison Square Garden, President Bush uttered the phrase "the lessons of Sept. 11" for the one-millionth time. "The American people have risen to the challenges of the past three years, working tirelessly to ensure that the world will never forget…the lessons of Sept. 11," Bush said and outstretched his arms as balloons and confetti rained down on the delegates, whose deafening cheers lasted nearly five minutes. To make the event possible, Bush crammed hundreds of references to the "lessons of Sept. 11" into campaign speeches during the days leading up to the speech, sometimes simply chanting the four words repeatedly for several minutes.
Bush Unveils New Blind-Faith-Based Initiatives #~# COLUMBUS, OH (Sept. 27)—Seeking to broaden his appeal among undecided voters, President Bush unveiled a new set of blind-faith-based initiatives during a campaign stop in the battleground state of Ohio Sunday. According to a senior staff member, the sweeping initiatives—which address such complex matters as climate change, the faltering economy, and challenges to American security at home and abroad—are founded on the unquestioned assumption that the Bush Administration will "take care of everything." "My blind-faith initiatives are far-reaching, and like many large issues, they are simple," Bush said. "I call upon all Americans to surrender any doubts they may have about my record. After all, naysaying is no substitute for real governance." Officials from the newly created Office Of Blind-Faith-Based Initiatives were at church and unavailable for comment. 
Lesser-Known Celebrity Trials #~# The year brought a number of celebrity trials, but few received as much attention as thoses of Michael Jackson and Martha Stewart. What were some of 2004's lesser-known celebrity trails?
Bush Vows To Put Man On Moon Before It Disappears At End Of Month #~# WASHINGTON, DC (Jan. 14)—To revive U.S. interest in manned space exploration, President Bush called on NASA Wednesday to put an astronaut on the moon before it vanishes at the month's end. "The moon has already shrunk to nearly a quarter of its size," Bush said in his speech at NASA headquarters. "That means we have less than a week to move. But I do believe America has the strength, determination, and old-fashioned know-how to get a man atop the moon before it disappears altogether." The president went on to propose the construction of a lunar capsule that could land on a concave surface.
Obesity, Obesity Reports On The Rise #~# ALBANY, NY (Nov. 14)—Americans have never been more aware of the dangers of weight gain, nor have they ever weighed so much, according to a SUNY-Binghamton study released Monday.  
Threat Of Catching Olympic Fever At All-Time Low #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO (June 13)—U.S. Olympic Committee Chief Executive Jim Scherr announced Thursday that the risk of contracting Olympic Fever, the virulent international strain of athletic obsession that sweeps the nation every four years, has dropped to a historic low.  
Yankees Lose World Series #~# NEW YORK (Oct. 27)—Many baseball fans were disappointed Wednesday when the New York Yankees, 26-time world champions and the highest-paid team in baseball, did not win the 2004 World Series. 
WMDs Found #~# TEHRAN, IRAN (June 19)—The U.S. military's long search for weapons of mass destruction ended Wednesday when state officials in North Korea and Iran admitted to having nuclear-weapons programs.  
Gay Marriage Proponents Hope To Send Message To Religious Right Before Election #~# BOSTON (Aug. 11)—With the presidential election approaching, gay rights advocates are working in Massachusetts and across the nation to bring national attention to the issue of same-sex marriage. 
A Polarized Nation #~# Many people say the nation became even more politically polarized in 2004. What do you think?
Russia Reiterates Zero-Tolerance Policy For Terrorists, Hostages #~# MOSCOW (Sept. 3)—In response to the ongoing hostage situation at a middle school in the town of Beslan in North Ossetia, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin firmly reiterated his nation's hard-line policy against terrorists and their hostages Tuesday. 
Poll: Americans Feel Safer With Martha Stewart In Jail #~# WASHINGTON, DC (Oct. 12)—According to a poll released by the Pew Research Center Monday, Americans "feel safer" with Martha Stewart in prison.  
What A Year 2004 Was—For Entertainment! #~# There was a number on everyone's lips last year, and that number was 2004. Who could blame them? It was a year big on surprises: thrills, love, laughter, and of course, entertainment. So let's take a trip down recent-memory lane to check out the big stories of last year! 
Woman Dozing At Coffee Shop Has That Dave Eggers Sex Dream Again #~# IOWA CITY, IA—Freshly jolted awake from a peach-tea-induced nap, Sumatra Café patron Laurie Dubar said she had that same sex dream about bestselling author Dave Eggers. "I'm lying on the couch naked, and Dave is next to me, also naked, reading Salon on his laptop," said Dubar, a 34-year-old Iowa Writers' Workshop instructor. "Suddenly, he turns to me and says, 'Could you help me edit a collection of short fiction?' and I can't control myself any longer." Dubar said she always wakes up just as Sarah Vowell walks in wearing a kimono. 
Local Man Gets Cocky With Ladder #~# GUNNISON, UT—Three days into painting his house, Donald Simonds has gotten arrogant with his 12-foot aluminum ladder. "When he started his project, he'd step up the rungs real gingerly, bracing himself with his hands all the way," neighbor Earl Pickett said. "Now, three days later, he's climbing up the wrong end, carrying three paint cans at once, standing on the top step of the thing. I even saw him steady himself by putting one foot on a windowsill." Pickett said he just hopes Simonds' smug way with his ladder doesn't get him hurt.
Lure Of Free Meal Each Shift Too Great For Disgruntled Arby's Employee #~# WEST WENDOVER, NV—Although he hates working at Arby's "more than anything," prep cook Taylor Ochtrup, 17, told reporters Monday that he would quit if it weren't for the $6 meal allowance that he earns for every shift of four hours or more. "The hours suck, I always work weekends, and the manager is a dick, but hey, free Super Roast Beef," Ochtrup said. "And, if I work until closing, I get to take home any extra Curly Fries." Although he has no health insurance, Ochtrup said his kitchen drawers are "chock-full of Horsey Sauce." 
Sharper Image Vows 'We Will Be Undersold' #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In a battle cry to consumers of trendy specialty gadgets, Sharper Image CEO Richard Thalheimer said Monday that the high-end retailer "will be undersold" by the competition. "Show us a foot massager that retails for $40 at Target and we'll sell it to you for $90—because that's how we do business," Thalheimer said. "Heck, regular stores don't even carry our virtually useless $299 ionic air purifier." In response, Hammacher Schlemmer issued a challenge to "exceed Sharper Image's price or double the item's cost."
Bush Determined To Find Warehouse Where Ark Of Covenant Is Stored #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprise press conference Monday, President Bush said he will not rest until the warehouse where the Ark of the Covenant, the vessel holding the original Ten Commandments, is located. "Nazis stole the Ark in 1936, but it was recovered by a single patriot, who braved gunfire, rolling boulders, and venomous snakes," Bush said, addressing the White House press corps. "Sadly, due to bureaucratic rigmarole, this powerful, historic relic was misplaced in a warehouse. Mark my words: We will find that warehouse." Bush added that, after they are strengthened by the power of the Ark, U.S. forces will seek out and destroy the sinister Temple of Doom. 
Jude Law's First 100 Days As People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive #~# HOLLYWOOD—All eyes are squarely fixed on Jude Law as he comes to the 100-day mark in his tenure as People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive 2004. 
I Support The Occupation Of Iraq, But I Don't Support Our Troops #~# The U.S. went to war in Iraq to remove an evil and dangerous political adversary from power. Now that we have done that, the American troops must remain in Iraq until the country is a fully functioning democracy, able to spark change throughout the entire Middle East. While I find this obvious, there are still a lot of people in our country who fail to grasp it. I support Bush-administration foreign-policy goals, but I stand firmly against the individual men and women on the ground in the Persian Gulf. 
Miller Brewing Company Pressures Area Man To Drink Responsibly #~# CHEYENNE, WY—The Milwaukee, WI-based Miller Brewing Company, well-known for extolling the responsible enjoyment of alcoholic beverages, has been calling, writing, and visiting Kevin Helvinski to encourage him to think before he drinks. 
COX-2 Inhibitors #~# The FDA is currently deciding whether to restrict the use of COX-2 inhibitors, the widely used class of pain drugs which includes Vioxx. What do you think?
New Generation Of Dynamic, Can-Do Seniors Taking On Second Jobs #~# CHANDLER, AZ—Old age used to be considered a period of decreased activity, mental slowdown, and reduced usefulness to society. In recent years, however, a new generation of ambitious, resourceful senior citizens is turning that trend on its head, reclaiming their youthful vigor by taking on second jobs. 
I'm Tired Of Looking At These Same Four Uterine Walls #~# My God, I'm bored. I've heard that after the anxiety of separation from the mother and the trauma of birth, all I'll want to do is return to the womb, but I have a hard time believing that. After being cooped up in here for nearly three trimesters, I've gotta dismiss that as outdated Freudian balderdash. Can't this woman gestate a little faster, for Christ's sake? I'm sick of staring at these same four uterine walls. 
Oscar Host Chris Rock #~# Chris Rock will host this year’s Academy Awards. What suggestions did event organizers have for the comedian?
State Of Minnesota Too Polite To Ask For Federal Funding #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Although many of its highways and bridges are in severe disrepair, the traditionally undemanding state of Minnesota isn't comfortable asking for more interstate funding, sources reported Monday.
Michael Moore Honored With New Ben & Jerry's Flavor #~# BURLINGTON, VT—Ben & Jerry's, the Vermont-based ice-cream manufacturer known for its progressive social mission, held a press conference Monday to introduce a new flavor celebrating Academy Award winner Michael Moore. 
New Girlfriend Bears Disturbing Resemblance To Old Girlfriend #~# ATLANTA—Friends of David Buntrock told reporters Monday that his new girlfriend Katie Wickstrom looks unsettlingly similar to his former girlfriend Tonya Gill. "When I first saw them together I thought, 'Wow, did David and Tonya work things out?'" friend Angie Lisota said, explaining that both Wickstrom and Gill are petite, with cropped brown hair, big eyes, and a penchant for dressing like ballet dancers. "Even her voice sounds a little nasally, like Tonya's." According to Buntrock, Wickstrom "actually looks more like Audrey Hepburn."
Designers Opt To Stick With Last Year's Fashions #~# NEW YORK—The buzz around the 2005 Spring Fashion Week was "status quo," as top designers like Marc Jacobs and Oscar de la Renta chose to repeat their lines from 2004. "This spring is all about consistency," said Jacobs, who reintroduced a collection of gray and black slouchy long skirts. "We came out with a lot of great clothes last year, so we're gonna stick with those." Donna Karan agreed that "introducing a new look is a relic of the 20th century."
Bacon Just One Of Sprint's New Downloadable Ring Scents #~# OVERLAND PARK, KS—Wireless-phone-service provider Sprint PCS has added Hickory-Smoked Bacon to its quickly growing list of downloadable Ring Scents, which includes Pine Forest, New Car, and Cinnamon Potpourri. "Smells are stronger memory triggers than sounds, and now you can assign a different smell for everyone on your phone list," Sprint spokesperson Mindy Harris said. "We even have a line of Bling Scents like Cash, Crissy, and Blueberry. And we have Alabama Clay, Wet Dog, and Skoal Bandit for country-music fans." For customers who carry their cell phones in their mouths, Sprint will introduce Ring-Savors in January 2006.
510 Chuck E. Cheese Tickets Blown In Grape-Soda Induced Frenzy #~# CORDOVA, TN—Chuck E. Cheese patron Nathan Angrim, 9, was found passed out in a booth Monday, 510 game tickets poorer and surrounded by cheap toys, following a two-hour Welch's Grape Soda bender. "Dad, where'd all this stuff come from?" Angrim asked, gesturing to the plastic dinosaurs and slide whistles scattered across his pizza-sauce-stained T-shirt. "Last thing I remember, I was playing Skee-Ball. Oh, my head." The incident marks a backslide for Angrim, who swore that he wouldn't touch "the Grape" again, after last April, when he woke up shoeless in the colored-ball pool, his pinkies stuck in a Chinese finger trap.
Paris Review Receives Mysterious Plimpton Essay About Being A Ghost #~# NEW YORK—Paris Review editors report that they received an unsolicited essay from the late founder George Plimpton about his first-hand experiences as a ghost Tuesday. "I have always believed in immersing myself in my investigative work, be it as an acrobat, a boxer, or a Detroit Lion," read the cover letter accompanying the 3,200-word essay that materialized in the current editor's mailbox Monday. "Dying two years ago afforded me the unique opportunity to examine the afterlife from both sides of the Pearly Gates." Plimpton's letter said he would waive all payment, as he no longer has any use for things of the mortal world.
That Reminds Me Of Something Funny A Client Of Mine Allegedly Said #~# Ha ha! "Trimmed her topiary!" Ha ha, yes. A very funny story, my friend. Actually, that reminds me of something a client of mine is alleged to have said. 
Bloodless Coup A Real Letdown #~# BISHKEK, KYRGYZSTAN—The masterminds behind the bloodless coup d'etat that wrested power from President Askar Akayev Sunday said they were disappointed by the peaceful, efficient execution of the regime change. 
Israeli-Palestinian Cease-Fire #~# Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon recently declared a cease-fire. What are some conditions of the peace accord?
Failing Phys Ed Programs #~# With obesity among children rising steadily, health experts say our school's physical education programs are woefully inadequate. What do you think?
Christmas In February #~# Guess what, Jeanketeers? There are new sounds coming from the residence of Mr. and Mrs. Rick Teasdale! No, it's not the patter of little feet, it's the whirrrr of motorized-scooter wheels! Yep, you heard it here first: My long-lost father Horvel is staying with us! 
Teach For America Chews Up, Spits Out Another Ethnic-Studies Major #~# NEW YORK—Teach For America, a national program that recruits recent college graduates to teach in low-income rural and urban communities, has devoured another ethnic-studies major, 24-year-old Andy Cuellen reported Tuesday.
Area Mom Really Gets Her Rocks Off On Being Appreciated #~# KINGSTON, NY—Boy, show local mother Janine Williams, 50, a little appreciation, and she practically creams herself, family members reported Tuesday.
Darling, I Will Give You The Moon And The Stars vs. Giving Me The Moon And Stars Would Have Disastrous Effects On Our Galaxy #~# Dearest Sally, I can no longer hide what I've been feeling since the day you borrowed my pen at Kampus Koffee. If I don't let my emotions out, I'll burst with the sheer intensity of longing to be by your side. All day, every day, I think of nothing but you. I would follow you to the ends of the earth, to the bottom of the deepest sea, or live with you at the top of the highest mountain. You are everything to me, and without you, I am just an insignificant speck in an uncaring universe. Say you'll be mine, and I'll give you the clouds, the sun, the rain, the sky—I will give you the whole world. 
'Get TiVo' Friend's Solution To Everything #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—According to waiter and aspiring writer Ian Shortridge, his friend Dan Stavers has only one piece of advice: "Get TiVo." "You could program a Season Pass so that you never miss the business report," Stavers said, after Shortridge complained that he couldn't get a mortgage. "I'm telling you, TiVo will change your life. Hey, I was right about the iPod, wasn't I?" Since purchasing a digital-video recorder in 2002, Stavers has urged Shortridge to buy one so he can "spend more time writing instead of sitting through all those commercials," "tape some fitness shows and find out how to get in shape," and "catch some funny movies" to help him get over his father's death.
Awkward Tension Mistaken For Sexual Tension #~# WATERTOWN, MA—Joel Dashner, 34, interpreted acquaintance Lori Rezala's nervous shifting, awkward giggling, and inability to make eye contact at a mutual friend's dinner party as a sign of mounting sexual heat, Dashner said Monday. "I really hit it off with Lori," Dashner said. "We were both too jittery to really say much, but I could feel the spark between us. I'm sure neither of us will forget that magic moment when we bumped hands and spilled each other's drinks." Rezala later told reporters that Dashner "ruined one of her favorite sweaters and stared at [her] all night like he was some kind of crazy person."
Bush Defends Deny-Side Economics #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Fielding questions from reporters at a Tuesday press conference, President Bush defended his adherence to the principles of deny-side economics. "Nope," the president said. "I keep hearing people say that the U.S. economy is troubled, but that isn't true. Our economy is strong. We just have to keep on doing what we're doing, and everything will work out." Leading economists say they are curious to see whether the president's optimism will trickle down into the public consciousness.
Census Bureau: 9,000 To 15,000 People Work At Census Bureau #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to 2004 figures released by the U.S. Census Bureau, between 9,000 and 15,000 people work at the Census Bureau. "It is difficult to obtain an accurate figure on Census Bureau employees, because workers frequently move from department to department," U.S. Census director Charles Kincannon said. "Also, many supervisors failed to return the mail-in forms that asked them to list how many employees they have." Kincannon warned all census-bureau employees to take the census-bureau census more seriously, under penalty of law.
Product Placement Mars Otherwise Exciting Super Bowl #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Although NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue declared the Super Bowl XXXIX experiment with in-game product placement a success, fans and players expressed mixed feelings about the championship game Monday. 
Latest Bin Laden Videotape Wishes America 'A Crappy Valentine's Day' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A new videotape of Osama bin Laden broadcast on the Arab satellite news channel Al-Jazeera Monday beseeched Allah to grant all Americans a "crappy Valentine's Day." 
The In-Flight Cell-Phone Ban #~# The FCC is currently reviewing its ban on the use of cell phones during flights, but many passengers say they like the restriction. What do you think?
Woman Begins To Regret Dating Someone Spontaneous #~# AUBURN, CA—After four months of romantic involvement, Wells Fargo mortgage lending assistant Heidi Bird, 27, said Monday that she is beginning to regret getting into a relationship with the carefree Jason Maddox.  
Truth Be Told, I Have Nothing To Say #~# If I may interject here, I'd like to point out something I think the group will find relevant—or if not relevant, at least somewhat interesting—regarding the ongoing discussion. Well, to be honest, I doubt the group will actually find it interesting, since technically, it doesn't pertain to the current topic. What I'm trying to get across—if I can have your attention for just a minute or two—is that I have nothing to say.  
Columnist Crackdown #~# Columnists Armstrong Williams, Maggie Gallagher, and Michael McManus are under fire for accepting payment for promoting Bush administration policies. Who else has received public money, and for what?
Project Manager Leaves Suicide PowerPoint Presentation #~# PORTLAND, OR—Project manager Ron Butler left behind a 48-slide PowerPoint presentation explaining his tragic decision to commit suicide, coworkers reported Tuesday.
Cocksucker Beats Up Motherfucker #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—In an ass-kicking on the sidewalk in front of the Red Room on Juniper Avenue Saturday, some 23-year-old cocksucker totally wasted this motherfucker, 22, like the prick was standing still. "You want a piece of me?" asked the motherfucker, who minutes later got his goddamn ass handed to him on a plate. According to some dudes who saw the whole thing, the motherfucker kissed the fucking pavement after the cocksucker delivered a bad-ass left hook. The motherfucker was unavailable for comment, because he was busy picking his teeth up off the ground.
Nation's Leading Alarmists Excited About Bird Flu #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The avian influenza virus, a mutant flu strain that has claimed the lives of 31 people in Eastern Asia since it was first observed passing from birds to humans in 1997, has the nation's foremost alarmists extremely agitated. 
Kool-Aid, Hi-C Make Backroom Deal To Destroy Tang #~# NORTHFIELD, IL—Executives for Kool-Aid and Hi-C met at an undisclosed location Monday to map out a plan to drive Tang out of business. "The tween market isn't big enough for three non-carbonated beverages," Kool-Aid CEO Robert Eckert told Hi-C executive Jason Frie. "Capri Sun and Sunny D play ball, but Tang won't budge. So we're gonna squeeze them so hard, even the astronauts won't drink it. Oh, yeah!" Bordon crushed out his cigarette and added, "I want you to stick it so deep in Tang's asshole, you make the Wyler's hit look like a movie date." 
Immigrant Laborers Hired To Delete Spam #~# SAN DIEGO—Executives at Gortman Consulting are hiring immigrant day laborers to delete their junk e-mail. "Our employees were wasting hours of valuable time sifting through spam," Gortman CEO Donald Barris said Monday. "Finally, I was like, 'Eureka! Hire some low-cost Hispanic laborers to empty our Outlook Express trashcans.' Our IT van just swings by the docks in the morning and picks up a dozen or so guys." While Barris said the laborers are "happy for the work," labor-rights groups have complained that repeatedly pressing the delete key has caused numerous cases of carpal-tunnel syndrome among migrant spam removers. 
Sex Life Embellished During Doctor Visit #~# DURANT, OK—During a routine physical Tuesday, Jason Gunder, 21, exaggerated his sexual exploits for the benefit of his physician, Dr. Stanley Pindel. "Unprotected intercourse? Sure, I have it all the time," Gunder said. "Partners? Thirty or something. I've had so many, I can't even remember." After nodding thoughtfully, Dr. Pindel told Gunder, "If you do actually ever have sex, please make sure to use a condom and a water-based spermicidal lubricant."
Son Attempts To Cultivate Parents' Interest In Better Movies #~# DOVER, DE—Marc Morehouse, 24, made another vain attempt to improve his parents' taste in movies Monday by taking them to see Sideways. "I know you guys thought Meet The Fockers sounded really funny, but maybe we should all give something a little different a try," Morehouse said to his parents Kirk and Doris as he bought three tickets at an area cineplex. "Dad, you like golf, right? And Mom drinks wine, so this movie is right up your alley. It'll be fun." After the show, Morehouse could not convince his parents to have dinner at a non-chain restaurant.
Jay-Z's Grandfather Busted With Trunk Full Of Canadian Prescription Drugs #~# BUFFALO, NY—Tyrone J. Carter, rap artist Jay-Z's 75-year-old grandfather, was arrested Monday for transporting prescription drugs across the Canadian border in the trunk of his 1998 Oldsmobile. "My grandson says I shouldn't have unlocked the trunk unless the cops had a warrant, but what's a man supposed to do?" said Carter, who was busted with more than $1,000 worth of pharmaceutical-grade Diovan, Lipitor, and Lanoxin. "Don't the police have anything better to do than hassle a sick old man? My insurance doesn't cover my pills anymore—I gotta get my heart medicine somewhere." The arresting officers said the pills had a U.S.-pharmacy value of nearly $18,000.
Cell Phone Lost, Found, All In Thrilling Four-Minute Period #~# PITTSBURGH, PA—Emotions quickly changed from panic to joy for University of Pittsburgh junior Evelyn Labaton when she lost, searched for, and found her Nokia 6230 Cingular Wireless cell phone Tuesday. 
Tourism In The Tsunami's Wake #~# While some travelers cancelled vacations to tsunami-stricken countries, others say that tourism is important for rebuilding the area's economy. What do you think?
Dress-Up Doll Born To Area Couple #~# NEW YORK—Two years ago, Manhattan married couple Ron Garver and Becky Meyers weren't sure they were cut out for parenting. They worked long hours, had a thriving social life, and their East Village apartment was small and cramped. But 24 months and 73 outfits later, Garver and Meyers are the proud parents of a 10-month-old dress-up doll. 
Google In 2005 #~# Google recently introduced Google Video, which allows users to search closed captioning for text and screen images taken from television shows. What does Google plan to do next?
180 Trillion Leisure Hours Lost To Work Last Year #~# BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by Boston University's School of Lifestyle Management, more than 180 trillion leisure hours were lost to work in 2004.
Follow That Prius! #~# Quick, we haven't a moment to spare! He's already an entire public green space ahead of us. Right, sorry—he or she. There…that's him or her right there. That seafoam green car carefully signaling for a turn onto Maple Terrace Drive from Oak Lawn Boulevard. Yes, the one behind the new Beetle. Follow that Prius!  
The Golden Globes Were A Golden Time! #~# Item! The Golden Globes recently took place, answering the question “Who will the foreign press honor this year?” Well, how’s Hillary Duff for starters? She won Best Actress for A Million Dollar Smile, where she plays a boxer. She sure did grow up fast! Meanwhile, Jamie Fox won Best Black Actor, and rightly so. His speech alone was worth the award! From a Jackie to a Jamie: Way to go!  
Oysters Have No Discernible Effect On Date #~# SEATTLE—According to Justin Grammling, 24, a close inspection of date Karen Stavers, who ate a six-oyster appetizer platter, indicated no marked increase in her libido. "Those things didn't do shit," Grammling said. "She didn't inch closer to me, or play footsie, or take her sweater off. I was keeping an eye on her, and her color didn't even rise." Grammling said he will fall back on Seduction Plan B: alcohol.
'Missed Connection' Ad Obviously Cheney #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In spite of its anonymity, a "missed connection" ad posted on the D.C.-area Craigslist Monday was clearly the work of Vice President Dick Cheney. "You: the attractive blonde from Newsweek," the ad read. "Me: stout, thinning hair, glasses, surrounded by Secret Service agents. Our eyes met as I was walking across the tarmac. I thought I felt a spark." The posting closed with the message, "Coffee? I'll grant you an exclusive."
American Torturing Jobs Increasingly Outsourced #~# WASHINGTON, DC—AFL-CIO vice president Linda Chavez-Thompson, representing the American Federation of Interrogation Torturers, released a statement Monday deriding the CIA's "extraordinary rendition" program, under which American torturing jobs are outsourced to foreign markets. "Outsourcing the task of interrogating terror suspects to countries like Egypt, Syria, and Saudi Arabia is having a crippling effect on the Americans who make a living by stripping detainees nude, shackling them to the floor, and beating the living shit out of them," Chavez-Thompson said. "And specialists within the field—corrosive-material chemists, ocular surgeons, and testicular electricians—are lucky to find any jobs at all. How are they supposed to feed their families?" Attorney General Alberto Gonzales defended extraordinary rendition, saying the program will create jobs in the long run by fostering a global climate of torture tolerance.
Nation Planning Surprise Party To Cheer Up Conor Oberst #~# OMAHA, NE—American citizens are coordinating efforts to lift the spirits of wünderkind singer-songwriter Conor Oberst, sources reported Monday. "I saw Conor's picture in a Spin article about Bright Eyes, and he just looked so down," said Lindsey Keisner of Youngstown, OH, one of the party's 4,000 planners. "The country feels really bad that he's going through such a rough spell, so next Friday, everyone who can should meet in Omaha with balloons, funny cards, and silly little gag gifts." Britt Daniel from Spoon will lure Oberst to Omaha by asking him to overdub some vocals.
Being A Considerate Houseguest #~# If friends or family members are kind enough to invite you to stay at their home, you'll want to be a gracious guest. Here's some tips to help you avoid becoming a burden: 
You Won't Believe This, But I'm Actually On A Crowded Elevator Right Now #~# Oh, hey David. No, it's a fine time. Always got time for you, my man. Dave. How's that lady I saw you with on Saturday? No shit. You're something else, my friend. Really something. Oh, that? That was just the second floor. Yeah, you won't believe this, but I'm actually on this crowded elevator right now. Yeah, it's totally crazy. We're packed like sardines in here. 
Information Thieves #~# Identity theft is a growing problem, with hackers gaining access to more Americans' personal information every year. What are some of the reasons hackers turn to crime?
Five Minutes Of Watching Indian Channel Leads To Five Hours Of Watching Indian Channel #~# NEW YORK—A five-minute sampling of Hindi-language channel Zee TV stretched into a five-hour Indian TV marathon for Craig Mieritz, 23, Monday. "I have no idea what's going on, but I can't turn it off," the channel-flipping Mieritz said about a colorful, frenetic musical number on the soap opera Tum Bin Jaaoon Kahaan. "Maybe I'll just watch another minute…" Following the soap, Mieritz watched a Hindi pop variety show, 11 music videos, and the three-hour Bollywood epic Khuda Gawah, the remote in his hand the entire time.
Anti-Chewing-Tobacco Activists Speak Out Against Secondhand Spit #~# RALEIGH, NC—The ever-embattled tobacco industry suffered another blow Monday, as citizens' groups challenged the major smokeless-tobacco companies to confront the quality-of-life issues associated with secondhand spit. 
Bush Launches Preemptive Attack On Social Security #~# ST. LOUIS, MO—At an appearance at the St. Louis Convention Center Sunday evening, President Bush declared the "grave and pressing need" for a preemptive attack on the Social Security program. 
America Still Searching For Funniest Home Video #~# HOLLYWOOD—Even after 15 years of tireless labor and a score of agonizing near-misses, the staff at America's Funniest Home Videos said Monday that they do not intend to quit until they have found the nation's funniest home video.  
Getting Our Jollies #~# I've gotta say, I feel really sorry for all the so-called "professionals"—the working stiffs and stiffettes of the world. Sure, they're making a lot of money being lawyers and brokers, but are they truly happy? Last Monday morning, as I watched the Lexuses and BMWs cruise down Thisbe Avenue headed toward the interstate, I couldn't help feeling sorry for all those strivers. 
Live-In Boyfriend Like The Deadbeat Dad Kids Never Had #~# ABILENE, TX—Earl "Trey" Shaker, 34, the live-in boyfriend of single mother May Anne Wyatt, 37, is like the deadbeat dad her four children never had, family sources reported Monday.  
The Morning-After Pill #~# The FDA is deciding whether they will allow non-prescription sales of the morning-after pill Plan B. What do you think?
Ask A Guy Who's Been Avoiding You #~# As a feminist, I feel uneasy about guys holding doors open for me, pulling out my chair so I can sit down, helping me put on my coat, and so on. I know that men do these things to be friendly, but is there a polite way to decline "gentlemanly" assistance?
No One Admits To Fart Joke #~# HARRISBURG, PA—No one among the Harrisburg Family Insurance sales team will admit to having added a crude, hand-drawn depiction of flatulence to a Successories poster Monday. "All right, who put the fart cloud coming out of the rock-climber's butt?" sales-team leader Dean Sendars asked. "It had to be someone in this office." Sales-team members were quiet, later noting that, in many cases, he who saw it, drawed it.
Offended Customer's Huffy Walkout Goes Unnoticed #~# DULUTH, MN—Angry about the convenience store's poor service, Dina Jorgenson abruptly stormed out of Marvin's QuikStop unseen Monday. "Oh, I've had enough of this," Jorgenson said, pointedly slamming her passion-fruit Snapple on the counter and marching out the front door, after having waited in line for nearly 10 minutes. Two hours later, QuikStop cashier Tasha Quiggle asked a fellow clerk why there was a warm Snapple sitting on the counter.
Friends Always On Best Behavior Around Neil LaBute #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Personal acquaintances of acclaimed playwright and filmmaker Neil LaBute reported Tuesday that they keep their behavior in check when around him. "You get in one stupid argument with your wife in front of the guy, and the next thing you know, you're an emotionally abusive misogynist in theaters nationwide," said Terrence Wydell, one of LaBute's former classmates. "With Neil, it's best to limit the conversation to the weather and current events." LaBute is reportedly at work on The Act Of Lending, a play about a character named Terrence who borrows DVDs through intimidation and verbal cruelty, with no intention of ever returning them. 
Guatemalan Coffee Picker Happy If Single Person Starts Day Alert #~# HUEHUETENANGO, GUATEMALA—Carmen Harroyo spends 16 hours a day picking coffee beans, but the weather-beaten 17-year-old said Monday that she is glad to do it if it helps give a single coffee drinker a much-needed morning boost. "I make $2 a day and share a room with my five sisters, but all the hard work is worth it if I help just one American suburbanite jumpstart her day," Harroyo said, batting away a swarm of mosquitoes. "I appreciate the opportunity to touch another person's life." Harroyo said she dreams of someday helping people get their antioxidants by picking sticks from bushels of green tea until her fingers bleed.
EPA To Drop 'E,' 'P' From Name #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Days after unveiling new power-plant pollution regulations that rely on an industry-favored market-trading approach to cutting mercury emissions, EPA Acting Administrator Stephen Johnson announced that the agency will remove the “E” and “P” from its name. “We’re not really ‘environmental’ anymore, and we certainly aren’t ‘protecting’ anything,” Johnson said. “’The Agency’ is a name that reflects our current agenda and encapsulates our new function as a government-funded body devoted to handling documents, scheduling meetings, and fielding phone calls.” The change comes on the heels of the Department of Health and Human Services’ January decision to shorten its name to the Department of Services.
Oil Drilling In Alaska #~# In a major political victory for President Bush, the Senate recently voted to open the Alaskan Arctic Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling. What do you think?
The New SAT #~# Last week, thousands of high-school students took a new version of the SAT Reasoning Test. What are they saying about the revamped exam?
National Gonzo Press Club Vows To Carry On Thompson's Work #~# LAS VEGAS—During a Tuesday press conference at the National Gonzo Press Club, members of the nation's foremost organization of gonzo journalists vowed to carry on the mission of its founder Hunter S. Thompson, who took his life last month. 
I Don't Care How Long It Takes, I'm Gonna Figure Out What That 'L' Word Is #~# I love a good mystery. When a television program gives you something to piece together, you have a reason to tune in every week. It's like a game. Alias, or 24—that's my kind of show. But I have got to tell you, The  L Word really has me stumped. I'm going to figure out what that darn word is, though. I don't care how long it takes me. 
U.S. Dog Owners Fear Arrival Of Africanized Fleas #~# ATLANTA—Panic is spreading among American dog owners, following the Center for Veterinary Medicine's Monday announcement that the arrival of a deadly mutant strain of Africanized killer fleas is imminent. 
Colin Powell's Tell-All Book: Steroid Use Rampant In White House #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Top Cabinet officials are up in arms about the allegations of widespread steroid use made by former Secretary of State Colin Powell in his new political tell-all Pumped: Living Fast, Loose, And On The Juice During My Tumultuous DC Days—And Nights. 
Child Walks Out On Toy Non-Proliferation Talks #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Toy non-proliferation talks between Donna and Adam Feit and their 8-year-old daughter Corinne broke down Monday when Corinne stormed away from the kitchen and slammed her bedroom door.
Every Time Area Man Drops By, Friend Is Watching The Big Lebowski #~# CLEARWATER, FL—No matter what time of day he stops by for a visit, Barry Jensen always catches friend Scott Dupre watching the film The Big Lebowski. "[Scott] has about 40 movies on his shelf, so I don't know why he needs to watch The Big Lebowski over and over," Jensen told reporters Monday. "I don't know if he's just too lazy to change the DVD or if he's trying to memorize the lines, or what." Jensen estimated that, in visiting Dupre, he has walked in on the bowling dream sequence with that Kenny Rogers song six times.
AARP Blasted As Out Of Touch, Past Its Prime #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A coalition of young professionals criticized the American Association of Retired Persons at a press conference Monday, calling the organization "woefully out of step with the general public." "These AARPsters are the old guard of a bygone era, and it's time to bring them down," said Troy Hebner, president of the organization Stop The Aged, which aims to lessen the AARP's lobbying power. "A full 100 percent of their membership is over age 55. Many of them no longer even work. What could their views on Social Security and health insurance have to do with us?" In December, Stop The Aged made headlines by threatening to file a $1 billion age-discrimination lawsuit against the AARP.
Gym Membership Doomed From Day One #~# LOMPOC, CA—The Bally Total Fitness membership purchased Monday by Alex Scarbe already appears destined for failure. "I really should go buy some new shoes, so I can come back tomorrow and work out," Scarbe said, moments after completing the membership paperwork. "Just getting in here and signing up is enough for today. I think I'll reward myself with a smoothie." Scarbe will return to Bally's twice in April, then once in May to use the whirlpool, and ultimately cancel his membership in 2007, when he notices Bally listed on his credit-card statement. 
Thwarting Of Arch Nemesis Leaves Sky Commander Feeling Empty #~# NEW YORK—From his secret headquarters high atop the Chrysler Building, Sky Commander Rex Brady said Monday that he has been filled with ennui ever since he apprehended his archenemy, The Nefarious Dr. Disaster. "What's the use?" said Commander Brady, slumped over H.I.L.D.A., his supercomputer and confidant. "Without him, I'm just another masked, muscle-bound, unemployed phony." H.I.L.D.A. responded by encouraging Brady to pursue his other interests, like helping needy children and learning how to prepare Mediterranean cuisine.
This Year's Oscars Blew Me Away #~# Item! You could have knocked me over with a feather after the 77th Annual Academy Awards. It wasn't just because of all the Oscar upsets, but also because of the new direction the ceremony has taken. Christopher Rock is no Billy Crystal, but he sure did shake things up. His bit with comedy king Adam Sandler was golden. And boy, did he make Chris Penn mad when he asked who Clive Owen was! I'm being kind of glib about that last one. I saw where Rock was coming from, but I thought Mr. Penn made a good point, too. He was right to stand up for one of our generation's finest actors, who has graced us with great performances in films like Alfy and Sky Colonel And The World Of Tomorrowland. And if you can't stand up for what's right at the Oscars, where can you do that?  
Tougher Bankruptcy Laws #~# Last week, the Senate made moves toward approving pro-business legislation that will make it harder for individuals to file for bankruptcy.  What do you think?
Despite Bad Press, Calorie Industry Projects Record-Breaking Year #~# HOUSTON—In spite of seemingly endless criticism, representatives for the U.S. calorie industry predicted another record-breaking year in 2005, the American Calorie Council announced Monday. 
Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse Of Real Michael Jackson #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—During a search for evidence at the Neverland Valley Ranch, investigators discovered a corpse that has been identified as that of Michael Jackson, Santa Barbara police officials announced Tuesday.  
Unlock Your Employees' Profit Potential With An Improv-Comedy Workshop! #~# What's your company's most important asset? The computers? Sure, you need those. The telephones? The office chairs? You need those, too. But your company has something a whole lot more important than  any of these things. Your company's most important asset is your staff. You probably spend a lot of money updating your software, but how much money do you spend improving staff morale? Hi, I'm Matt Litton, and I'd like to tell you how a visit from my improv troupe One Dozen Eggs could be the key to unlocking your company's profit potential. 
Wi-Fi Access #~# Wireless Internet access is growing more widespread, with entire neighborhoods and even cities offering residents the service. Why is it so popular?
All-Minority Postal Staff Undergoes Mandatory Diversity Training #~# ATLANTA—Every member of the racially diverse Pryor Road postal station's staff was required to attend a multiculturalism-sensitivity seminar Monday.
Inhibitions Found In Seedy Motel Room #~# ALBANY, KY—Although he planned to engage in an afternoon of depraved extramarital sex with coworker Kara Lundy, businessman Bill Castille rediscovered his inhibitions upon entering Room 7B of the Honky Tonk Motor Lodge on I-90 Monday. "I'm gonna fuck you so hard that your tr—wait. What smells like a dead animal?" Castille asked Lundy, derailing a moment of unfettered lust. "Shit, what if someone sees my car in front of this trashy place? Okay, that ceiling stain just dripped onto the bed. That's it, I'm out of here." Castille might have left sooner, had he known his conversation was audible in the motel lobby. 
Ten Years Of Life Dedicated To Getting Municipal Pool Not Built #~# MANKATO, MN—The Mankato City Council voted 6-3 against the issuance of a $500,000 municipal bond Tuesday, marking the end of one man's tireless, 10-year-long crusade to ensure that a proposed community pool not be built.
Mysterious Defibrillator Saves Accident Victim, Disappears #~# SAN ANTONIO, TX—An unidentified defibrillator saved the life of heart-attack victim Clifford Moore, 67, and vanished without a trace, sources at Goode Company Barbecue reported Monday. "I was headed back for more condiments when I felt a terrible pain in my chest and collapsed," Moore said. "I think I must have passed out, but I remember feeling paddles on my chest and a sudden jolt. I wish that defibrillator would have stuck around… I would've liked to have thanked it." The only trace the phantom defibrillator left behind was a tiny, silver-adhesive-backed conductive pad found below an outdoor bench.
Script Could Use Another Pass, Mom Says #~# ANSLEY, NE—Persistence Of Vision, a screenplay by aspiring screenwriter James Grunau, "isn't quite ready to shop yet," Grunau's 57-year-old mother Doris told her son over breakfast Monday. "I know you worked really hard, Jimmy, but I think this could use another good punch-up," Grunau said of the 115-page draft. "I just don't think anyone will relate to Donna, and the second act feels flat. You need to raise the emotional stakes." Ms. Grunau then offered her son some butterscotch pudding.
Bar Bet Becomes Increasingly Complex #~# DETROIT, MI—Onlookers at Schutt's Tavern report that a bet between two customers grew to almost unworkable complexity Monday. "Okay, let's get clear on this," said bartender Tim Alighire, officiating the wager. "If Sin City doesn't suck, Roger has to join Gary's pool team instead of Keith's, but only if Gary gets Troy to join too, in which case Gary has to pay Roger's dues and Roger has to chip in for half of Troy's dues? And Troy… no, Gary gets to decide if the movie is good?" Watching his two customers shake hands, Alighire said he wished that hockey season hadn't been canceled.
The Edge Still Introducing Self As Such #~# MALIBU, CA—U2 guitarist The Edge, born David Evans, introduces himself by his stage name, sources reported Monday. "He showed up at parent-teacher conferences, extended his hand, and said, 'Hi, I'm Sian's father The Edge,'" said Dory Beckman, a second-grade teacher at Malibu Heights Elementary. "I didn't quite understand, so he said, 'U2's The Edge.' Well, I guess with all the records he's sold, he's entitled to call himself whatever he wants." Employees at Gladstone's 4 Fish restaurant said Evans placed "The Edge" on their waiting list when he took his family out for fried scallops last week.
'Me Decade' Celebrates 35th Year #~# NEW YORK—The "Me Decade," a period beginning in 1970 and marked by self-awareness and self-fulfillment, celebrated its 35th year Monday. "With careerism, materialism, and general self-involvement as popular as they were was decades ago, the Me Decade may well go on for another 35 years," said historian and Columbia University professor Dr. Vera Conklin. "It's been the longest-running decade in American history, beating the selfless 'Greatest Generation' of the '40s by a good 15 years. Selfishness, it seems, is here to stay." Author Tom Wolfe, who coined the term in his essay "The Me Decade And The Third Great Awakening," was unavailable for comment, as he is working on his memoirs.
Nationwide Headband Trend Traced Back To Area Sophomore #~# PIERRE, SD—As cotton athletic headbands, the season's hot fashion accessory, continue to appear on trendsetters' foreheads across the nation, the originator of the fad has finally been located: Pierre West High School sophomore Melody Peterson. 
New Stop-Smoking Aids #~# Over-the-counter stop-smoking aids like Nicorette gum and Nicotrol patches are more popular than ever. What are some of the newest prodcuts on the market?
Study: Reality TV, Reality Unfair To Blacks #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Monday by the Center for Media and Social Research, the reality-TV genre is unfairly biased against black people. The study revealed that reality is unfair to blacks, as well. 
Take This Job And Shove It Following The Customary Two-Week Notification Period #~# Listen and listen good, sir. I've had it up to here with the stress, the long hours, and bad pay. I'm a house of cards that's just about to collapse. I tell you, I'm half a month shy of my breaking point. Following my two-week notice as mandated by the terms of my employment, you can take this job and shove it! 
Consumption Tax Proposed #~# Last week, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said a consumption tax, such as a national sales tax, could benefit the nation's economy. What do you think?
How Could I Get My Wife's Funeral So Wrong? #~# Oh God, I never meant for it to turn out this way. All I wanted to do was give my beloved wife of 26 years a sincere and meaningful goodbye. She was the love of my life—a standard funeral ceremony just wouldn't do. But somehow, I managed to really screw it up. Geez, how could I get my wife's funeral so wrong? 
Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy: 'We'll Go Through Iran' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Almost a year after the cessation of major combat and a month after the nation's first free democratic elections, President Bush unveiled the coalition forces' strategy for exiting Iraq.
Victims Sought In Next Week's Shooting #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—In an extremely brief press conference on the steps of City Hall, area psychopath Roland Walling, 46, announced Monday that he is on the lookout for potential victims in the unprovoked shootout that he expects will leave at least three dead and up to 10 wounded next Tuesday.
Meek Coworker Taken Down A Notch #~# MT. VERNON, IL—Patty Walther, a passive, mousy administrative assistant at Datalock Inc., was put in her place Tuesday by sales representative Martin Challey. "Oh, thank you for coming all the way over to my desk to return that valuable pen," Challey said sarcastically. "I don't know how I could've gotten any work done without it. I might've had to use one of the other 20 pens right in front of me." Challey last berated Walther Monday, when the quiet coworker brought in a plate of homemade brownies.
Knife-Throwing, Plate-Spinning Congressman Dominates Newscasts #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The cries of political grandstanding that have followed him throughout his career do not discourage Rep. "Fantastic" Frank Pallone Jr. (D-NJ), the knife-throwing, plate-spinning congressman. "Don't blink, Koppel," the blindfolded congressman said on Nightline, tossing knives over his shoulder at balloons held by Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). "These are real knives, folks!" Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) denounced the wild and wonderful show, saying that "the nation should be focusing on the Social Security crisis, not cheap tricks—no matter how spine-tingling they may be." In response to Frist, Pallone said, "The GOP would attack anything that didn't further the regressive Republican political agenda," and then placed a spinning plate atop a pole balanced on his chin.
Heroin Addict Better Off Than Poppy Farmer #~# NEW YORK—In spite of his debilitating addiction, junkie David Spellman is safer, warmer, healthier, and happier than nearly every poppy farmer in Afghanistan, sources reported Monday. "Mr. Spellman shoots up three times a day and squats in a filthy Bronx apartment, but at least he isn't slaving away in the Kabul poppy fields 18 hours a day before coming home to a meal of moldy bread in the tiny shack he shares with 14 relatives," said Dr. Terrence Arven, professor of sociology at NYU. "When Spellman finally decides to get clean, he'll have many options for counseling. The only support network available to a poppy farmer is the 'protection' of local warlords." When asked for a comment, Spellman curled up and vomited.
Schiavo's Right To Die #~# Last week, a judge gave Florida resident Michael Schiavo permission to remove the feeding tube of his brain-damaged wife Terri. What do you think?
New Bush Science Policies #~# Recently, scientists expressed concerns that scientific research is being stifled by the Bush administration. What are some of the areas of funded research that the Bush administration cited to counter the charges?
Getting A New Place Sucks! #~# Hola, amigos. What's the deal? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been having a heaping helping of problems. First off, the bill collectors from the hospital have been on my ass about the money I owe them for fixing up my leg earlier this winter. I didn't have insurance, so I owe them a shitload. I told them I didn't have any money and they were going to have to open the cut they sewed up if they wanted any more blood from me. The way I figure it, I got a few months before they send it over to a collection agency. And, if I give them a hundred bucks or so, that'll buy even more time. 
Thank God The Year Of The Monkey Is Over #~# Boy, that was some great New Year season this year. I suppose I shouldn't have drunk as much as I did at my friend's Lantern Festival, but I was in the mood to really cut loose. Everyone says the Year of the Monkey is the year of success, filled with unexpected opportunities for all. What a load of crap. The Year of the Monkey couldn't have ended fast enough for me. 
'Tony's Law' Would Require Marijuana Users To Inform Interested Neighbors #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Citizens spoke before Congress Monday in support of Tony's Law, a Senate measure that would require all marijuana-law offenders to inform their neighbors if they're holding. 
Cocky Pope-Hopeful Ready To Make Some Changes Around Vatican #~# VATICAN CITY—With Pope John Paul II's health in decline, there is speculation as to who will succeed him as the head of the Roman Catholic Church. Cardinal Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga announced Monday that he is more than ready to accept the challenges of the papacy. 
Area Dog Will Never Live Up To Dog On Purina Bag #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Although those close to Buster characterize him as a good boy, the area collie-rottweiler mix reported Monday that he will never live up to the standard set by the show-quality golden retriever on the Purina Dog Chow bag.
Death Of Parents Boosts Area Woman's Self-Esteem #~# SAVANNAH, GA—In the wake of the Aug. 12, 2004 death of her parents Hugh and Patricia, Leah Sawyer's self-esteem has skyrocketed, sources close to the 27-year-old said Monday.
Ken Jennings Mistaken For Subway's Jared Again #~# MURRAY, UT—Ken Jennings, who rose to mid-level fame by winning a record $2.5 million on Jeopardy last year, was erroneously identified as Subway restaurant pitchman Jared Fogle again Monday. "Today a woman at the post office came up and congratulated me for losing all that weight," Jennings said. "That happens all the time. I guess people recognize me from television, but mix up where they saw me." Jennings added that he usually tries to inform people of their mistake in the form of a question: "What is your problem?"
Gmail User Pities Hotmail User #~# OLYMPIA, WA—Recent Gmail convert William Ramsak, 23, said Monday that his "heart goes out to" friend Kelly Oldenburg, who still sends e-mail through an MSN Hotmail account. "I feel so bad for you, needing to squeeze into 250 MB of storage space," Ramsak wrote to Oldenburg in an e-mail. "And I hate thinking of you sorting all your old e-mail, while Gmail automatically indexes mine so they are searchable." Ramsak then asked Oldenburg when he was going to "stop being a Microstooge and join Team G."
Area Man Well-Versed In First Thirds Of Great Literature #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Malcolm Seward is a 38-year-old commercial kitchen designer, baseball fan, and avid supporter of public radio, but he said there's nothing he likes better than hunkering down in a comfortable chair, cracking open a brand-new copy of one of the world's literary classics, and reading the first 100 pages or so. 
Bartender Hurt By Unfinished Drink #~# DENVER—Eddie Meagher, a bartender at Madhatter's Pub, reported that he was "deeply hurt" by an unfinished Long Island Ice Tea left behind by one of his patrons Monday. "I made that drink especially for him," said a visibly disappointed Meagher. "Why would he leave almost a third of it sitting there? If something was wrong with it, he should've told me so. Then I could fix it." According to coworkers, Meagher hasn't been this upset since a patron thoughtlessly vomited four meticulously crafted Cosmos onto the street in front of the bar last Thursday.
Uneventful Past Finally Catches Up To Boring Man #~# MILTONVALE, KS—Years of safe living finally caught up to 33-year-old accountant Brian Jorgens Sunday during a visit from old friends. "I thought I'd put my sedate college days behind me forever," said Jorgens, standing in front of the Applebee's where he'd just spent three hours with his former college roommates. "But after listening to Ken and Louis reminisce about our summer-long cribbage tournament and the time we took a chartered tour bus to the Badlands—well, I realized that I can run from my boring past, but I can never truly hide." Jorgens vowed to turn his life around by deserting his wife and stealing a car.
Teen Reports Saturday Night Live Has Sucked Since Chris Kattan Left #~# AUGUSTA, GA—Once an avid fan of Saturday Night Live, Tom Simms, 16, said Monday that the live sketch-comedy institution began a downhill slide after Chris Kattan exited the show in 2003. "They don't do funny stuff like Mango or the Roxbury guys anymore," said Simms, who, from 1998 to 2004, watched SNL whenever he had a babysitter or could sneak downstairs after his parents fell asleep. "After Kattan left, the show stopped taking chances." Simms' older brother Joel and his uncle Kurt agreed that SNL's quality has declined, but linked the show's suck-points to the departure of Jim Breuer and Joe Piscopo, respectively.
National Poetry Month Raises Awareness Of Poetry Prevention #~# NEW YORK—This month marks the 10th National Poetry Month, a campaign created in 1996 to raise public awareness of the growing problem of poetry. "We must stop this scourge before more lives are exposed to poetry," said Dr. John Nieman of the American Poetry Prevention Society at a Monday fundraising luncheon. "It doesn't just affect women. Young people, particularly morose high-school and college students, are very susceptible to this terrible affliction. It is imperative that we eradicate poetry now, before more rainy afternoons are lost to it." Nieman said some early signs of poetry infection include increased self-absorption and tea consumption.
The New Food Pyramid #~# Last week, the federal government released a new food pyramid, but many citizens say the nutrition guidelines are too complicated. What do you think?
A Motivation Seminizar #~# Tha Nite Rida cruised like a muhfukkin' barracuda into tha Midstate parkin' lot an' wit' typical mad stealth executed a perfect 90-degree turn into her designated spot. "It Monday, bitchez," I said as I flew outta my hoopty an' hustled 2 tha employee entrance. "Aw yeah, y'all know how we do it. Bitchez best fo-get that punk-ass, no-workin' weekend shit an' be down wit' tha hardcore officin', or y'all gonna have tha H-Dog up in yo' shit. Word dat." 
The New Lincoln Museum #~# The high-tech Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum opened in Springfield, IL last week. What are some of its exhibits?
Guess What—It's Tom DeLay's Frisbee Now #~# Damn it! What did I tell you kids? 
Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad #~# AMSTERDAM—American students traveling abroad confirm the findings of a study indicating that Washington's unilateral approach to foreign policy has seriously undermined Americans' chances of getting laid.
Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever #~# OAK RIDGE, TN—After six grueling years of Herculean research, scientists at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory pronounced EHC-1 Alpha, the new hyperbolic chamber, "an unquestionably, undeniably, fantastically revolutionary milestone in the history of science, mankind, and the universe, all of which it will undoubtedly change forever."
Family Feud Continues Years After Game-Show Appearance #~# POCATELLO, ID—More than two decades have passed since the Douglass family of Pocatello and the Bzymek family of Derby, NY faced off on the syndicated game show Family Feud. But instead of being tempered by time, the feud sparked in November 1979 has grown increasingly bitter with each passing year, and show producers say the two families have reached a level of acrimony unseen elsewhere in the program's 29-year history. 
First Date In Six Months To Be Last Date In Six Years #~# ROSEBURG, OR—Although he is unaware of it, Jeff Schyler's date Friday will be his last until May 2011. "I'm so glad I finally got up the balls to ask out my friend's cute sister," said the 28-year-old, whose last date was in October. "I haven't been getting much action lately, but I have a really good feeling about this." Schyler plans to take his date to see Fever Pitch, hoping the romantic comedy will "get her in the mood," which it won't.
April 30, 1937 #~# Art Critics Impressed By Saturation Bombing Of Guernica
Losing-Powerball-Numbers Announcement Enters 17th Hour #~# URBANDALE, IA—The announcement of losing Powerball numbers for Saturday's $83,000,000 jackpot entered its 17th hour Sunday. "3, 15, 17, 35, 47, and Powerball 23," said Powerball host Bill Somerford, reading from his 237-page list of losing combinations. "7, 23, 40, 46, 52, and Powerball 24. 9, 13, 27, 40, 53, and Powerball 14. 12, 15, 18, 27, 52, and Powerball 26. 1, 11, 35, 46, 53, and Powerball 36." The losing numbers will be continue to be broadcast until 10:59 EST Wednesday, after which the losing-numbers announcement for the next drawing will begin.
Study: 80 Percent Of All Hermits Recovering From Broken Hearts #~# AMHERST, MA—According to conclusions reached by researchers at the University of Massachusetts, four-fifths of the world's dedicated recluse population were once luckless in love. "We have conclusively linked heartsickness to the behavior of dwelling in remote mountaintop caves, in bramble-covered forest huts, and on nameless unmapped islands," professor of solitary psychology Ludwig Meyer said Monday. "The loss of a lifetime's one true love seems to be enough to drive some people into splendid isolation in arctic regions and trackless jungle wilds." The study noted that the remaining 20 percent of hermits were driven from human contact by the desire to run naked around the woods, urinating though their knee-length beards.
Another Comedian Ruined By Parenthood #~# AUSTIN, TX—Ed Corgi, once hailed as one of the area's funniest and most ribald stand-up comedians, has lapsed into mediocrity due to the 2003 birth of his daughter Grace, a friend reported. "Ed used to get up there and just spit venom against the entire world until the crowd was dying," fellow comic Rick Haste said. "Last week, I saw him do a bit about grape juice and another about how hard it is to get a stroller in a car trunk. He did swear a lot as he pantomimed folding the stroller, but still." Corgi's new sitcom Grape Juice is currently in development at ABC.
Sports Fan Thinks He May Have Torn Rotator Cuff #~# BOSTON—Although the most strenuous thing he does in any given week is reload his office printer's paper tray, Red Sox fan Sean Mooney, 41, said he believes he may have torn his rotator cuff. "Ooh, I'm gonna have to ice this tonight," said Mooney, rubbing the muscle he pulled while removing a Massachusetts tax-code reference book from his shelf. "Now I know how [Red Sox pitcher] Wade Miller felt." Doctors said Mooney's condition is probably soreness resulting from a lack of regular exercise.
Sir Charles Barlow Is Interested Only In Your Dowry #~# Lydia! Lydia! Pray forgive this unannounced visit to Twelveswood, but I felt you must know straight away. I cut short my stay in London to deliver some unfortunate news. Our hostess Mrs. Heggarty was kind enough to lend me use of her coach and… Oh, no, no, Edgar is well, thank Heaven, as is little Ivor. It's about Sir Charles, the man to whom you are affianced. No, he lives still, although if there were ever a body upon which I wished every earthly evil to be visited, it is his.  
TV Shows On DVD #~# People are increasingly buying television series on DVD instead of watching them on broadcast TV. Why?
Aw, Who'm I Kidding... I'll Never Top 21 Jump Street #~# It's only natural for artists to compare the creative purity of their early work to the compromised work of their later careers. I'm no exception. As I sit here in my chateau in France, absent-mindedly flipping through the script for The Diving Bell And The Butterfly by Oscar-winning screenwriter Ronald Harwood, I think of the man I used to be, and my heart sinks. I know I shouldn't let thoughts of the past get me down. Rather, I should overcome my insecurities and remind myself that there could be an even bigger success around the corner. Why, you never know what you can achieve if you just believe in yourself and… Aw, hell. Who'm I kidding here? I'll never top 21 Jump Street and I know it. 
April 19, 1981 #~# Hinckley, Foster To Wed
Fifth-Grade Science Paper Doesn't Stand Up To Peer Review #~# DECATUR, IL—A three-member panel of 10-year-old Michael Nogroski's fellow classmates at Nathaniel Macon Elementary School unanimously agreed Tuesday that his 327-word essay "Otters" did not meet the requirements for peer approval. 
New Tech-Support Caste Arises In India #~# NEW DELHI—Thanks to widespread outsourcing of telephone-service jobs, a sixth caste has blossomed in India: the Khidakayas, a mid-level jati made up of technical-support workers. "I am happy to be a Khidakaya," said technical-support agent Ranji Prasat, who speaks English with a flawless American accent and goes by the name "Ron" at work. "While we rank below members of the reigning order, those of us responsible for helping Americans track their online purchases and change their account PINs share many privileges not enjoyed by the merchant class below us." Prasat said he expects to marry another tech-support worker.
Are Tasers Safe? #~# Most security personnel defend the use of Tasers, but Amnesty International said that there have been more than 100 Taser-related deaths since 2001. What do you think?
Pope Emerges From Chrysalis A Beautiful Butterfly #~# VATICAN CITY—Vatican officials joyously report that Pope John Paul II, who led the Catholic Church during the 26 years of his larval stage, emerged from his chrysalis transformed into a beautiful butterfly Monday.
Papal Election Brings End To Worldwide Unsupervised-Catholic Sin Binge #~# VATICAN CITY—In the interim between Pope John Paul II's death and the election of his replacement, unsupervised Catholics seized the opportunity to sin without fear of reprisal, sources confirmed Tuesday.
Police Sketch Artist Likes How Portrait Of Serial Rapist Turned Out #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—Area police officer Lynn Marie Potter said Monday that she is "pretty proud of" her latest sketch, a drawing of an unidentified white male suspected of committing at least four recent Birmingham-area rapes since February.
Embattled Tom Delay #~# In recent weeks, House Majority Leader  Tom DeLay has come under increasing fire from a number of important media and political figures. What do you think?
I Gotta Get Out More Often #~# Hola, amigos. What do you hear? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been dragging my ass through the routine. The winter always gets me down. Don't tell me how it's spring. I know it's spring, but that makes it worse. It gets warm for a few days, I think I finally broke on through to the other side, and then it snows and I feel like shit again. Plus, my alternator belt is squeaking. I got a new one, but I haven't changed it yet because who wants to do car repairs when it's nice out?  
The Minutemen #~# A group of volunteers calling themselves the Minutemen began standing sentry on the U.S. side of the Arizona-Mexico border last week to watch for illegal immigrants and smugglers. How are they safeguarding the country?
I'm Not Locked Into This 5.75% 30-Year F.R.M. With You—You're Locked Into This 5.75% 30-Year F.R.M. With Me #~# And all I have to do is to sign on the dotted line… and initial there… and there… and there. What? Oh, right. I forgot to sign there. No problem. This pen still has plenty of ink. There! All finished.  
Pope John Paul II, Longtime Owner Of Popemobile, Dead At 84 #~# VATICAN CITY—Pope John Paul II, who owned the Popemobile for more than a quarter of a century, passed away last Saturday. "The Popemobile was known the world over," said Peter Egan, a writer for Road & Track. "A fine example of European craftsmanship, the hand-built, 4.3 litre, V-8 powered,  pearl-gray vehicle was exceptionally well-loved, even more so after the bulletproof bubble was added in 1981 to safeguard its passengers against assassination attempts. During the time he owned the Popemobile, John Paul II visited more than 120 countries. He loved the open road." The specially altered Mercedes-Benz ML-series off-road vehicle has been maintained by papal staff since the pope fell ill in August 2004. The pope's will is expected to grant its use to either the next pope or John Paul II's young cousin Zbigniew.
Preparing A Living Will #~# A living will is a legal document that provides directives for your medical care in the event that you are physically unable to express them. Here are some things to keep in mind while creating a living will: 
French's Introduces Antibacterial Mustard #~# ROCHESTER, NY—In response to increasing American demand for tangier,  more hygienic meals, condiment giant French's has introduced a new antibacterial mustard. 
Pope-Killing Virus Claims Yet Another Victim #~# ROME—Doctors at Italy's prestigious Center for Papal Disease Control announced last week that the infamous Pope-Killing Virus has claimed the life of yet another pontiff. The latest victim, a Polish immigrant identified by authorities as His Holiness John Paul II, is the third pope to fall prey to the virus in as many decades. "The tragic fact remains that, at this time, scientists know almost nothing about this terrible disease that attacks the nerve center of global Catholicism, and we are baffled as to how to fight its spread," CPDC head Dr. Emilio Caminioni said. "How many popes must die before a cure can be found? Can a viable treatment be discovered before another victim is claimed? These questions remain unanswered." According to Caminioni, the deadly virus has claimed the lives of 265 people over the past 20 centuries.
April 13, 1916 #~# War Bulletins
Cost Of Living Now Outweighs Benefits #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A report released Monday by the Federal Consumer Quality-Of-Life Control Board indicates that the cost of living now outstrips life's benefits for many Americans.
Heaven Less Opulent Than Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope #~# HEAVEN—The soul of Pope John Paul, which entered heaven last week following a long illness, expressed confusion and disappointment Saturday, upon learning that the Celestial Kingdom of God to which the departed faithful ascend in the afterlife is significantly less luxurious than the Vatican's Papal Palace, in which the pope spent the past 26 years of his earthly life.
Inner-City Community Bands Together To Find Missing Parent #~# DETROIT—In a heartwarming display of community feeling, members of the Delray neighborhood in southwest Detroit have banded together to find Milo Patterson, 38, the latest parent to vanish in the string of mysterious abductions that has plagued the area.
Papal Apartments Found Filled With Old Newspapers, Empty Pill Bottles, Mangy Cats #~# VATICAN CITY—Housekeeping staff at the Vatican's Apostolic Palace, the official papal residence, were shocked to discover stacks of yellowing newspapers, empty medication bottles, and at least two dozen cats in Pope John Paul II's private apartments this weekend. "We had a very hard time opening the door, and when we finally forced it open, we couldn't believe what we found," maid Giulietta Barricelli said. "Mangy, mewing cats perched atop stacks of newspapers dating back nearly 25 years, plates caked with mold, balled-up Kleenexes everywhere, and cat feces on the carpet. I don't know how the Holy Father, God rest his soul, lived in that horrible, stinking mess." Papal historians claim that some popes develop aberrant pack-rat tendencies late in life, citing Pope Pius XII, who hoarded tin foil and back issues of Catholic Digest.
Actual Urgent Message From Robert Redford Goes Unheeded #~# MARSING, ID—An actual urgent message from actor Robert Redford, whose mass-mailed call to action on behalf of the Natural Resources Defense Council reached millions of Americans last year, went unheeded last week by its lone recipient, Michael Sanborne of Marsing, ID. 
1998 Powerball Winner Returns To Food-Service Job #~# RAPID CITY, SD—In spite of winning an $18-million Powerball jackpot in 1998, William Berringer, 39, insisted on returning to his line-cook job at Nelson's Steak House Tuesday. "Winning all that money didn't change me," Berringer said. "I'm still the same Bill Berringer that I was before I hit the jackpot, then proceeded to spend it all on partying, bad stocks, and a Jamaican condominium." Berringer added that he hopes everyone at work will treat him the same way they always did, or at least the ones who were there when he quit his job the day after he won the jackpot.
'He's A Stockbroker,' Says Woman Who Finds That Exciting #~# NEW YORK—During a 12:30 luncheon with friends at Niko Niko Tuesday, Pamela Gordon, 27, described her recent date with 30-year-old stockbroker Ken Rosen. "Well, he's a stockbroker," Gordon said. "His name is Ken… He's really cute… And he was just promoted at Piper Jaffray!" Gordon's friends told reporters that she has not been this excited since she dated a producer in 2002.
Colombian Teen Going Through Anti-Government Guerilla Phase #~# BOGOTA, COLOMBIA—Like many Colombian teens, Juan Ardila, 15, is experiencing typical growing pains, characterized by mood swings, raging hormones, and a fervent allegiance to a squadron of leftist anti-government rebels, his 48-year-old father Rafael reported Monday. "I have told him that no good can come out of running with the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia," the elder Ardila said. "But he'll snap out of it. When I was his age, I was kidnapping state officials and car-bombing nightclubs in the name of Communism myself." Ardila said he expects Juan to grow bored of drug trafficking and extortion when and if he reaches adulthood.
Nation's Tall Asked To Stand In Back #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a wide-reaching relocation of U.S. citizenry, all Americans above six feet tall were asked to please move to the back Monday. "Those fortunate enough to be blessed with stature, please step to the rear so that others may be able to see and be seen," said Nolan Mills, Secretary of the U.S. Department of Height. "Anyone willing to crouch or sit cross-legged on the ground is welcome to move to the front." This is the largest measure of its kind since 1993, when U.S. citizens were asked to not block the nation's doorways.
Terri Schiavo Dies Of Embarrassment #~# PINELLAS PARK, FL—Terri Schiavo, the shy woman whose self-image issues put her in a 15-year coma, died of embarrassment Thursday, the eyes of the entire world fixed upon her. "Terri, who had been extremely reserved before her debilitation, found herself trapped at the center of an epic legal battle that became the focus of the nation," said Dr. Kyle Williamson, who treated Schiavo several years ago. "The involvement of President Bush, Congress, and numerous church officials further complicated what might have been a simple right-to-die case, and made Terri's weight issues and family difficulties public knowledge. She finally succumbed to the embarrassment last week, at age 41."  Specifics of Schiavo's dying breath and photos of the woman in her self-conscious 20s have been appearing in newspapers worldwide since her death.
Many Cancer Deaths Preventable #~# According to the American Cancer Society, more than 60 percent of all cancer deaths could be prevented if Americans lived healthier lives. What do you think?
Rising Oil Prices #~# Oil prices have reached an all-time high. How are increasing costs affecting daily live in America?
Congress Awards Itself Congressional Medal Of Honor #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In recognition of its "service above and beyond the call of duty in the legislative field," Congress awarded itself the Congressional Medal of Honor Monday. 
Being The Mayor Of Sucktown Isn't All I Thought It Would Be #~# When I found out that I had been unanimously elected mayor of Sucktown, I thought I'd won a front-row seat to the fuck-off parade. I imagined days filled with ribbon-cutting ceremonies and nights of gala balls. A year later, I wonder if I could've been any more naïve. Sure, I was ignorant of the duties involved in running a municipality, but I really thought being the mayor of Sucktown would be easier. 
Local Fox Affiliate Debuts Terror-Alert Van #~# MURFREESBORO, TN—Touting itself as "the only channel with a terror-alert system designed to meet the specific needs of central Tennessee," Fox News affiliate WMFB-TV Channel 11 debuted its terror-alert van Monday. 
Who Are You Going To Believe—Me, Or That Encyclopedia Britannica 2005 Almanac? #~# I'm not saying I know everything, but there are a lot of things I do know. To have you, someone I consider a friend, doubt my word isn't just insulting, it's hurtful. So let me ask you again: When it comes to the natural resources, topography, and percentage of arable land in several West African countries, who are you gonna believe—me, or that Encyclopedia Britannica Almanac 2005 with accompanying CD-ROM? 
U.S. High School Gets Raw End Of Student Exchange #~# BELLEVILLE, IL—Students and faculty at Summit Prairie High School expressed frustration and disappointment Monday, after realizing that they got the short end of the stick in a recent trade with the Max Planck Gymnasium in Freiburg, Germany. In a deal overseen by AFS Intercultural Programs, Summit Prairie traded sophomore Molly Knutson, 16, for 17-year-old Uwe Bohm.
Investigators Blame Stupidity In Area Death #~# WHEATLEY, AR—Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment were cited as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure, unadulterated stupidity as the primary cause in the death of an unlicensed motorist involved in a single-car accident Sunday. 
Former Addict Celebrates 10th Year Of Mind-Numbing Boredom #~# PHOENIX—Tom Stubbens, 44, a former heroin abuser, attended a party in his honor to celebrate a full decade of clean, sober, and dismally tedious living Tuesday. "The crazy gang of partiers I used to have so much fun with in the '90s wouldn't even recognize the clean and respectable person standing before you today," said Stubbens, raising an iced tea to friends at his regular evening haunt, the 36th Avenue Denny's. "Yup, but here I am… that person." Stubbens then retired to his apartment, where he watered his plants, organized his sock drawer, and fell asleep on the couch.
Cocky Attempt To Operate ATM In Spanish Backfires #~# SAFFORD, AZ—During a Monday night stop at an automated-teller machine, an overconfident Scott Tifton failed to withdraw cash using the machine's Spanish instructions. "My girlfriend Lisa was with me at the ATM, so I pressed Spanish as a joke," Tifton said. "I figured I could rely on my high-school Spanish, but instead of giving me $100, the deposit slot lit up. Then I hit what I thought meant 'cancel' a couple times, and it ate my card. We were going out to dinner for our two-year anniversary, and Lisa had to pay." Tifton said he probably could have figured out the instructions if he had been at his normal branch.
Alternative Training School For Dogs De-Emphasizes Obedience #~# MONTEREY, CA—Dogs who attend the Kylee Alternative Training Institute are exposed to a "creative canine learning environment where less emphasis is placed on obedience," director Morgan Kylee said Monday. "We believe in helping our students to discover their own potential, rather than forcing them to conform to the traditional idea of what a dog should be," Kylee said. "Dogs that mess on the carpet or bark incessantly are not scolded, but praised for finding their own parameters. Our motto is 'If it feels good, chew it.'" Classes at the school include Holistic Heeling, Elective Fetching, and Removing The Leg-Humping Stigma.
Thousands Dead In Wake Of Low-Carbon Diet #~# FORT WALTON BEACH, FL—Doctors are linking nearly 9,000 deaths nationwide to the popular low-carbon diet outlined in the bestselling book, Dr. Wesley's Elemental Dieting. "Dr. Ryan Wesley's book tells dieters to avoid consuming carbon, an element that occurs in all organic life, animal and vegetable," said Dr. Peter Castle, a nutritionist at Johns Hopkins University. "Although Wesley dieters can ingest limitless hydrogen, oxygen, and nitrogen, deriving nutrients only from gases is not viable in the long term." The low-carbon diet first came to prominence in February 2004 when Wesley appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show weighing an astonishing 76 pounds.
Palmolive Attacks Dawn For Coddling Grease #~# NEW YORK—Representatives for Palmolive dish detergent issued a challenge to the makers of Dawn Monday, charging that the blue dishwashing soap "coddles grease." "Palmolive lives up to its vow to be 'tough on grease,' but Dawn merely 'takes grease out of your way,'" Colgate-Palmolive CEO Reuben Mark said. "Out of sight, out of mind, eh Dawn? Palmolive believes in eradicating the grease problem, not simply pushing it to the far reaches of the sink." Mark added that, as unrelenting as Palmolive is on grease, it continues to be soft on hands.
This Milk Is Expired When I Say It Is #~# Hey, you haven't even touched your milk. What's the matter? Milk is an important part of a balanced diet, good for strong bones, healthy teeth, and—what do you mean "spoiled"? Gimme that. Spoiled? This milk smells as fresh as the day I bought it. What? Listen to me, missy—this milk is expired when I say it is. 
May 29, 1905 #~# The Machine: Will It Replace The China-Man?
Snowball In Hell #~# If you're considering starting your own business, keep a few things in mind. First, you can't call in sick, and you may have to work very long hours, even if no customers show up for the entire day. Second, be prepared for weeks, or even months, to go by before you clear $50 a week in sales. Third, consider that you may have to rethink your business plan, even though you devoted a whole month to creating it. 
Having-One-Beer Plan Goes Awry #~# YPSILANTI, MI—Due to outside influence and unforeseen events, the having-one-beer plan that 29-year-old Keith Flemming devised at the outset of Monday evening went awry. 
National Advertising Board Launches 'Advertising: Get The Message!' Campaign #~# NEW YORK—In an effort to raise the individual American's awareness of and interest in advertising, the National Advertising Board launched a $32-million "Advertising: Get The Message!" campaign in major markets across the country Monday. 
Congressional Filibusters #~# Some people view the filibuster as a vital democratic tool, but others see it as an unnecessary impediment to legislative progress. What do you think?
Goth, Metalhead Overcome Subcultural Differences To Find Love #~# DANVILLE, IL—People fall in love every day, but self-proclaimed "Goth for life" Danielle Richardson, 24, and avid metal-music fan Rick Halloway, 26, faced bigger obstacles than most couples. In spite of having come from vastly different subcultural groups, the unlikely couple celebrated their three-month anniversary Monday.
Memorial Day #~# May 30 is Memorial Day. How are Americans planning to celebrate the holiday this year?
Principal Hates Underachievers, Overachievers #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—According to 58-year-old Charles Van Hise, principal of Harriet Bishop High School and a 26-year veteran of the St. Cloud School District, too much of his staff's time is devoted to "problem students" who require special disciplinary or scholastic attention. 
Local Man Pushed Well Within Limits Of Human Endurance #~# DURHAM, NC—In the face of reasonable odds, Louis Collins, 27, endured a challenge Monday that tested, but did not by any means exceed, his ability to persevere. "The line at the DMV was really long, and I had a lunch meeting at noon," said Collins, recounting the inconvenient event that ultimately did no lasting damage. "Then I realized that I still needed to fill out a form, but I didn't have a pen. If I had left the line to use a pen at the counter, I would have had to start all over. Thank goodness someone in line lent me one." In spite of the unremarkable series of obstacles, Collins still arrived at lunch on time.
Area Dad Saw A Great Show On Bigfoot Last Night #~# LANCASTER, PA—Much to his family's indifference, 44-year-old father of two Bradley Kochner said he enjoyed an interesting show about Bigfoot on the Discovery Channel last night. "They had some neat footage that was shot in Oregon," said Kochner at the dinner table, describing the one-hour Legends Of Sasquatch special, in a desperate attempt to reach bored sons Joel, 13, and Kyle, 11. "If they show it again, I'll tape it. Maybe we can watch it together. Right, guys?" Kochner's wife Laura said her husband has similarly tried to engage his children in discussions about submarines, UFOs, and Pompeii.
Author Dismayed By Amazon Customers' Other Purchases #~# MONTREAL—Yann Martel, author of the Booker Prize-winning Life Of Pi, said he was distraught to see what other books Amazon.com customers bought in addition to his. "Customers who bought this book also bought The Five People You Meet In Heaven?!" Martel read from his computer screen Monday. "And The Rule Of Four? Really?!" Martel was also surprised by the "sloppy writing" in many of Life Of Pi's five-star customer reviews.
Paroled Prisoner Excited To Hear The '80s Are Back #~# BLYTHE, CA—Former Chuckawalla Valley State Prison inmate Jake Allen Dupree, 42, who completed a 20-year sentence for armed robbery last Friday, said he is excited to hear that '80s styles are experiencing a resurgence in popularity. "When the guard handed me my stuff, he said my acid-wash jeans, Kangaroos sneakers, and bright teal T-shirt looked really cool," Dupree said. "It's great that I won't have to buy a new wardrobe." Dupree added that he was happy to hear that Miami Vice was recently re-released, so he can find out what happened to Crockett and Tubbs.
New, Delicious Species Discovered #~# MANAUS, BRAZIL—An international team of scientists conducting research in the Amazon River Basin announced the discovery of a formerly unknown primate species inhabiting a remote jungle area roughly 300 miles from Manaus Monday. According to scientists in Manaus, the new species, Ateles saporis, is "an amazing biological find" and "incredibly delectable." 
WTO May Accept Russia #~# If negotiations go smoothly, Russia may be invited to join the World Trade Organization in 2006. What do you think?
Celebrity Commencement Speeches #~# A growing number of American colleges are enlisting celebrities to deliver speeches at their commencement ceremonies. What are some of this year's highlights?
Yes, Sweetie, Mommy's Heard Of Gil Scott-Heron #~# Hello, sweetie! I didn't expect you home so early. Here, hand me your backpack. Ooh, heavy! So, how was your week? Well, I'm glad. College is sure fun, isn't it? Yes, it is! So, what did you learn today? Well, imagine that. You don't say? Yes, yes. Uh-huh. Yes, sweetie, Mommy's heard of Gil Scott-Heron. Have a piece of fruit instead, honey, that cake is for dessert tonight.  
Jews, Muslims, Hindus Agree On Chicken #~# GENEVA—After years of sectarian violence, a coalition of Jews, Muslims, and Hindus signed an international resolution Monday, confirming their mutual appreciation of chicken dishes. "Whether it is breaded with matzo, served as shwarma, or covered in tikka masala sauce, chicken is the one meat upon which all faiths can agree," said spokesman Jerome Maliszewski, addressing an assembly of rabbis, mullahs, and shamans. "Let this friendly exchange of recipes be the first tentative step toward everlasting peace." Attendees at the combination summit and potluck dinner labeled it a qualified success, regretting the altercation that broke out between factions with differing views on skewer length.
God's Plan For Area Man Involves Kidnapping Ford CEO #~# MINOT, ND—Unemployed factory worker James Harold Gurshner told reporters Monday that God's plan for him, revealed during a moment of divine inspiration, requires kidnapping Ford Motor Company CEO William Ford Jr.
Bush Challenges America To Produce The Perfect Romantic Comedy By 2009 #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Making a bold statement of appeal to "the long-standing spirit of entrepreneurial enterprise in this great nation" Monday, President Bush challenged the U.S. entertainment industry to produce the perfect romantic comedy by summer 2009.
May 20, 1902 #~# Sears, Roebuck Plead ‘Not Guilty’ To Pornographic Charges
A Gentleman Never Discloses Who Sucked Him Off #~# I must say, the quality of discourse in this country has taken a sharp plunge of late, not only among the ruffians and ne'er-do-wells from whom one expects coarse speech, but among gentlemen of letters and esteem. I have, with my own ears, several times in the past week, heard the elder sons of prominent families introduce into mixed company subjects formerly reserved for private discussion among gentlemen. It pains me even to raise this point, but following a string of recent events, there is no question that the adage bears repeating: A gentleman ought never to disclose who sucked him off.
Upper-Middle-Class Man Vows To Never Forget Middle-Class Roots #~# ELMBROOK, WI—Although he earns a salary in the low six figures, 38-year-old investment banker David Monreal said he will always stay true to his middle-class upbringing. "When I was a kid, both of my parents held down jobs just to help pay for our split-level ranch home and two Chryslers," Monreal said. "Mom used to have a rule: no TV during supper. No matter how big my portfolio gets, I'll never forget that rule." Monreal said he hopes one day to take his kids to the office where their Grandpa Joe toiled selling insurance for up to 40 hours a week.
Poster Vandal Enters 'Phallus In Mouth' Period #~# OAKLAND, CA—According to experts at the American Folk Art Museum, the billboard and subway-poster defacer known only as "Suck It" has entered his "phallus in mouth" phase. "As you can see, the artist has moved from drawing larger breasts on the lingerie models to depicting erect penises entering their mouths," said art critic Graham Kern, gesturing to a vandalized Victoria's Secret poster. "His Sharpie phalluses offer a stark contrast to the colorful hues of the ad, with simple lines recalling Henri Matisse's nudes." Kern said he has not seen such energetic lines since the poster vandal's "blackened-in teeth" period.
Joy Sucked Out Of Room By Pumped-Up Manager #~# CHICAGO—Leo Burnett Advertising project manager Dirk Hazelton's show of enthusiasm drained the creative spirit from the conference room Monday. "Man, the country loves this cheddar! The country needs this cheddar!" said Hazelton to his creative team, pumping his fists in the air. "Come on and join in. We all grew up on cheddar! What do you think of when you think of cheddar? Let's get some ideas on the board." Members of the creative team responded with mortified silence.
Fear Factor Creator's Will: 'Heirs Must Eat My Ashes To Collect Inheritance' #~# LOS ANGELES—According to details of Fear Factor creator John de Mol's will released Monday, his heirs cannot collect their inheritance until they complete a battery of challenges. "I do bequeath my estate to my wife and children, henceforth 'you,' on the condition that you fully consume the ashes from my freshly cremated corpse," the creator's will read. "Should you be able to complete the task, you will receive $10 million and a Caribbean vacation. Fail, and you'll be eliminated from my benefactors—unless you spend one hour locked in a coffin filled with maggots." Comedian Joe Rogan will serve as the will's executor.
Senators Lured Back To Emergency Session By Promise Of Free Pizza #~# WASHINGTON, DC—U.S. senators from both parties, tired and eager to go home to their families after a hard day of legislation, were enticed back into the Senate chamber for an emergency budget session Tuesday by the promise of Little Caesars. "I know it's been a long day, but if you stay late, there's gonna be pizza," said Majority Whip Mitch McConnell at 9:30 p.m. "Don't tell [Senate Majority Leader Bill] Frist, but stick around, and I'll make sure you all get an extra order of Crazy Bread with sauce." The senators only relented when McConnell promised that if they hammered out the budget by 1 a.m., they could rent Glengarry Glen Ross and watch it in the hearing room.
Cupid Shooting Spree Leaves Dozens Infatuated #~# CHICAGO—Dozens of innocent citizens were infatuated Monday, when a winged angel of romantic inspiration—or "Cupid"—drew his magical bow and opened fire on a crowd at Lincoln Park, striking an as-yet-undetermined number of people directly in their hearts during a 13-minute enchanted-arrow shooting spree.  
The New Iraqi Government #~# The first democratic Iraqi government was recently sworn in. What's first on its agenda?
Scientology Losing Ground To New Fictionology #~# LOS ANGELES—According to a report released Monday by the American Institute of Religions, the Church of Scientology, once one of the fastest-growing religious organizations in the U.S., is steadily losing members to the much newer religion Fictionology. 
Texas-Cheerleader Crackdown #~# Last week, the Texas House of Representatives approved a bill banning "overtly sexually suggestive" high-school cheerleading routines. What do you think?
Is There New Love for Tom Cruise? #~# Item! After I reported last time that Dawson's cutie Katie Holmes called it quits with her fiancé, I figured we wouldn't hear from her for a while. Color me wrong! The cutie has been snatched up by none other than Tom Cruise. Wow! Tom certainly did well for himself. Although some would say he's dating someone half his age, I wish them both a long and prosperous relationship. Let's hope there are kids in their future! 
36-Year-Old Still Looking For Ways To Make Brushing Fun #~# SAN FRANCISCO—More than three decades after acquiring his first Pink Panther toothbrush, Mark Naasz continues to search unsuccessfully for new ways to make brushing his teeth fun, the 36-year-old Bernal Heights resident revealed Monday.
'Not Quite Perfect' McDonald's Opens In Illinois Outlet Mall #~# GURNEE, IL—Hungry shoppers at the Gurnee Mills outlet mall can now get a name-brand lunch at a bargain-basement price, thanks to the Monday opening of McDonald’s first “Not Quite Perfect” outlet store, offering imperfect and irregular items from the fast-food giant’s menu. 
May 8, 1910 #~# United States Leads World In Industry
No One Even Heard Of This Company Till I Dragged Us Into A Corporate Scandal #~# Gentlemen, hello. Sorry I'm late. I had a hell of a time getting in the front door. Can you believe all those cameras? It's a zoo out there. You practically need a helicopter to… Okay, why the long faces? Great, everyone's mad at me. Hey, before I caused this corporate scandal, no one had even heard of Tevcom.  
Rapidly Swelling Man May Contain Traces Of Peanuts #~# PENSACOLA, FL—Lance Kiser, the host at the Erewan Thai restaurant, informed fellow employees Monday that the bloated, choking man at table four may contain trace amounts of peanuts. "Warning: The dark-haired businessman who very suddenly began experiencing shortness of  breath, confusion, and slurred speech may contain trace amounts of peanuts," Kiser said. "He definitely ate a plate of chicken curry prepared in the same facility as dishes containing peanuts and/or other nuts." The purple-faced, swelling man declined comment.
Drive-Time Commute Jam-Packed With Entertainment #~# CHANDLER, AZ—Phoenix-area resident Bruce Meske, 34, said he can't believe the amazing number of riveting, drive-time radio options available for his 40-minute commute home every night. "At no other time of the day is my life so jam-packed with incredible entertainment choices," Meske said Monday. "I could listen to the '60s at 6:00 or tune into the week's Top Five with Fathead on The Zone! Should I get the lead out with Beebo and Frank, stay informed with Ted and Heidi, or get riled by Mike Savage?! Sometimes I wish my commute took two hours!" Meske added that his wealth of options for the morning drive floor him as well. 
Man With Dream To Open Liquor Store Achieves Dream #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—Dale Seebach, 32, who has dreamed of opening his own liquor store since childhood, saw his dream become a reality Monday. "I never thought I would own a liquor store," said Seebach to his two part-time employees at the grand opening of Dale's Spirits on Front Street. "It was a lot of hard work applying for the loan, getting a lease, and working out the distribution, but I did it!" If the store does well, Seebach may someday realize his other dream of enclosing his backyard deck for winter use.
Ask A 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book #~# When my nephew announced he was getting married, I gave him, as an engagement gift, a valuable original painting that has been in our family for generations. While I'd intended the family heirloom be displayed in the home he would share with his fiancée, the couple broke up a few months later. Now the painting is sitting, unwrapped and unhung, against a wall in his tiny studio apartment. Frankly, I'm concerned the painting might become damaged in the bachelor pad. Would it be selfish of me to ask him to return the gift? 
Replacement Socialite Cunt Sought For Simple Life Cast #~# NEW YORK—Due to the falling out between Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, producers of Fox's The Simple Life are continuing their search for the perfect spoiled, no-talent socialite cunt to step in for Richie. "It shouldn't be too hard to find another vapid, muddied cum-dumpster perpetually drunk on the jizz of trust-fund himbos," producer Jonathan Murray said. "Any million-dollar Bambi with a vast inheritance and no ambition will do, though gutter-sluts with coke-fueled pasts will be given special consideration." Murray added that "it doesn't matter if her pussy rattles when the wind blows—we can fix that in post."  
Improving Amtrak #~# Following last week's announcement that an entire fleet of Acela trains will be taken out of service for repairs, Amtrak is looking for ways to reinvigorate the company. What are some of the measures it's taking?
Actual Expert Too Boring For TV #~# SECAUCUS, NJ—Dr. Gary Canton, a professor of applied nuclear physics and energy-development technologies at MIT and a leading expert in American nuclear-power applications, was rejected by MSNBC producers for being "too boring for TV" Monday. 
Women On The Front Line #~# Women are barred from U.S. military jobs that would place them on the front line, but some say all troops in Iraq are exposed to ground combat. What do you think?
I Can't Stand It When Jews Talk During Movies #~# Do you have a pet peeve—some little thing that drives you completely bonkers? For certain people, it's the sound of a Jewish person dragging her fingernails across a chalkboard. For others, it's when Jews don't signal before making a turn. Me? I can't stand it when Jews talk during movies! 
U.S. Mint Gears Up To Issue Commemorative County Pennies #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Following the success of its 50 State Quarters program—deemed one of the most popular commemorative-coin programs in American history—the U.S. Mint announced its next ambitious project: releasing a unique penny for every county in the nation.
Unspeakable Happens In Area Town #~# MURPHY, ID—Indescribable tragedy struck the quiet foothill town of Murphy Monday, leaving authorities and citizens dumbstruck by the nameless horror that descended on their community.
Arizona Man Steals Bush's Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Confusion and disbelief reigned at the White House after President Bush announced Monday that an Arizona man, known to authorities only as H4xX0r1337, stole his identity and used it to buy electronic goods, veto a bill, and meet with Mexican President Vicente Fox.
May 1, 1975 #~# U.S. Loses Vietnam War; Ford Urges All Americans to Salute Our Vietcong Rulers
Report: U.S. Leads World In Lost Sunglasses #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report by the Bureau of Accessory Statistics, each year the U.S. loses more pairs of sunglasses per person than any other nation. "Over 1.6 billion pairs of sunglasses are lost by Americans concerned with shielding their eyes from excess light and harmful UVA radiation," the report read. "This works out to six pairs of sunglasses per American per year, or 50 pairs of sunglasses lost every second." In second place, Italy has a lost-sunglasses rate of one pair per citizen per year, followed by Japan, Iceland, and Portugal with loss rates of .23, .19, and .16 respectively.
Fellow Cheerleaders Rally Cheer Of Support For Recently Raped Teammate #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—The Bloomington East Hawks varsity cheerleaders organized a pep rally after school Monday, in honor of a squad member who was date-raped last weekend. "R-A… P-E-D, nothing's gonna stop Su-zie. Yay, Suzie!" the squad cheered before the 1,500 students who filled the gymnasium to celebrate the victim's return to school. Rapist Fritz Hent, an East Hawks linebacker, will sit out the first game of the season as punishment.
Block Of Commercials Charts The Who's Career Arc #~# NEW YORK—According to TV viewer Maurice Degroot, every phase of rock band The Who's career was traced by a single CBS commercial break Tuesday. "The retrospective opened with Hummer's 'Happy Jack,' one of the songs from The Who's '60s mod period,"Degroot said. "Then a Saab commercial played 'I'm Free' from their ambitious rock-opera phase, followed by a promo for CSI featuring 'Who Are You,' one of their last great hits." In light of the popular commercials, the surviving Who members are planning a reunion tour to perform 30-second snippets from all their famous songs.
Fifth Baby Barely Showered #~# ALCOVA, WY—Attendees at the weekend shower for Peggy Walgraeve's fifth child agreed that the event paled when compared to the showers thrown for Walgraeve's four other children. "For [first child] Ashley, they had bacon wraps and mini quiches and wine coolers, but this time it was beer and Fritos, and everyone was out the door by 2 o'clock," said Lilly Gussman, one of three guests. Walgraeve's husband Dan watched TV in the living room throughout the celebration, though he was reportedly seen glancing at the partygoers on occasion.
Alternative Summer Camps #~# Parents and their children have an increasing variety of specialized summer camps to choose from. What are some of the most popular ones?
New Us Quarterly To Explore Celebrity Issues In More Depth #~# NEW YORK—Describing it as a "discerning and literary companion" to their flagship entertainment-news magazine, Us Weekly editor-in-chief Janice Min announced on Tuesday the creation of Us Quarterly, a scholarly, four-times-yearly journal dedicated to sizzling-hot celebrity gossip.  
New Dad Thinks Baby Might Be Gay #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Citing "something vaguely effeminate" about his eight-month-old son Michael, first-time father Joe Oebrick, 32, reported Tuesday that he suspects the infant may be a homosexual. 
Man Cites Nature As Inspiration For Random Cruelty #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Local resident Stephen Nicolai, 34, said Monday that the harsh realities of the natural world are what inspire him to commit spontaneous acts of brutal sadism. "Nature, red in tooth and claw, destroys without prejudice or regard for feelings, and since I am at one with nature, so too shall I," said Nicolai as he flattened a tree frog with a ball-peen hammer. "When I witness the awesome force of a tsunami, or the shift of a tectonic plate, or even a kitten mercilessly taunting its prey before eating it, I know that I am in harmony with nature." Nicolai said he has found peace through his ritual animal torture and vicious braining of random passersby.
I'm In The Throes Of Summer Movie Madness! #~# Item! Summer movie season is here, so forward my mail to my local theater, because I'm going to be losing myself in air-conditioned Hollywood magic for the next three months—especially since there's nothing on TV but reruns and second-string reality series. So, grab some popcorn, pull down a center seat, and dim the lights, because my annual guide to the hottest summer movie tickets is here! 
I Must Regretfully Decline Your Invitation To Appear In Court On July 28 #~# Dear Office of the Clerk, 
Bolton's UN Nomination #~# The Senate continues to debate John Bolton's nomination for UN ambassador, with Bush threatening to appoint him in spite of their concerns. What do you think?
Food-Court Taco Bell Not As Good, Area Man Reports #~# ERIE, PA—Fast-food consumer Don Turnbee announced Monday that the  Taco Bell in the Millcreek Mall food court is “not as good” as regular, full-service Taco Bell restaurants. 
Vatican Tightens Nocturnal Emissions Standards #~# VATICAN CITY—The Vatican has released a strict new set of Church laws intended to reduce the nocturnal emissions of teenage polluters by 50 percent in the next decade, Cardinal Antoni Bertoli announced Monday.
Dead iPod Remembered As Expensive #~# VENTURA, CA—A third-generation, 30-GB  iPod, serial number AP356372, died early Monday morning at age 2. "I'll never forget all the great music it used to play during my workouts," said the late iPod's owner Sarah Zartman at a brief memorial held over the junk drawer. "It was convenient, portable, and really pricey—almost $500." Zartman said that, had she known the iPod's lithium-ion battery would have such a short lifespan, she might have spent more time listening to it. AP356372 is survived by a BlackBerry.
Report: 40 Percent of American High-School Students Mind-Reading At Sixth-Grade Level #~# CHICAGO2—According to Department of Telepathic Education officials, standardized Rhine-Zener testing shows that two of five North American high-school students are reading minds at or below the sixth-grade level. "Psycholiteracy is essential for survival in today's world," said DTE director Ruth Edgerton2008, founder of the "Mind-Reading Is Fundamental" project. "It's a shame that some students are graduating from high school lacking the basic telepathy skills they need to compete in the current job market." Edgerton2008 then thought about the need for increased funding for the national MindStart program.
Surgery Required For New Sexual Position #~# ISLA LOS ANGELES—Plasmic surgeons at Cedar Sinai Medical Center are among the more than 100 doctors nationwide performing the surgery required to enjoy the sexual position "Feast Of Forty Fingers Supping Upon The Nine-Branched Lotus," as popularized by the Neo Sutra. "Attempting the Forty Fingers position without proper bio-augmentation could result in needless maiming, so please ask a doctor about the required procedures," said Dr. Joshua Mendelbaum of the Adaptive Procreative Therapy unit. "Home surgical kits and even sophisticated nanodoctor booths are no substitute for the care of a licensed sexual surgeon." Mendelbaum would not comment on the 30 percent ecstasy-induced-mortality rate among those who successfully achieve the position.
Abraham Lincoln's DNA Now Available Over The Counter #~# DC—Responding to pressure from vocal consumer groups and gene-gineering giant Merck-Maibatsu-Pfizer Monday, the FDA announced it will allow the DNA of America's 16th president to be sold without a doctor's prescription. "The legalization of OTC Abe is great news for expectant parents, gene-therapy patients, and history buffs," said MMP marketing director Wayne Lincoln. "Americans will no longer be shackled by the genetic heritage of their forefathers, a tyranny of flesh which condemns all men to be created equal. Now, four score and seven credits will ensure that presidential DNA for the people shall not vanish from the earth." Those using Lincoln's DNA are warned that side effects may include mild gigantism, arthritis, and severe depression.
Hemmed-In Seattle Mayor Calls For Emergency Deforestation #~# SEATTLE—Seattle Mayor Frances Bean Cobain-Osment issued a call for the emergency deforestation of the Pacific Northwest Monday. "Please, major logging companies, I beg you, send any spare sawmilling, pulping, or chipping equipment you have as soon as possible," said Cobain-Osment, invisible within the branches and overgrowth on the steps of City Hall. "We cannot fight off the encroaching trees and spotted owls any longer." The mayor's message concluded with a spirited condemnation of 2001's controversial Healthy Forests Initiative.
Remainder Of Ross Ice Shelf Now In Smithsonian Freezer #~# DC—The 25-meter-long remains of the Ross Ice Shelf, the floating Antarctic ice sheet that was once the size of France, will be displayed in the Smithsonian Institution's basement freezer through August. "We thank the generous citizens of Philadelphia, who donated this polar-cap remnant when it washed up on their shores earlier this year," curator Tim Riley said. "The ice sheet is a valuable artifact of the earth's geological past." Guests at an upcoming fundraising dinner will be served cocktails made with chunks of the shelf.
Repopulation Of Africa Begins #~# OLDUVAI GORGE, FORMER TANZANIA—The UN announced Monday that it has begun the directed repopulation of Africa, the continent that has lain desolate since the 2042 Saharan Scourge. "The time has come to reclaim this land from the effects of war, famine, disease, and devastating commercial exploitation," ReAfrica project head Marcus Mtume said, motioning toward the bare rock of the Serengeti shield plain. "At this very moment, scouts are determining the viability of a New Lagos settlement." Critics argue that the ReAfrica project is beyond the scope of current terra-reforming technology, and the UN resources required would be better spent on more fertile territory, such as the Marianas Trench or Charon, Pluto's only moon.
Ozone Repletion Project Nearly Finished #~# MCMURDO, ANTARCTIC STATES—Franklin Serwacki, lead project administrator of the Global Ozone Restoration Initiative, announced Monday that the earth's ozone layer will be restored to pre-Industrial Revolution levels by the end of the month. "With our new Bering Strait facility operating at full capacity, repletion of the ozone layer should be complete by… oh, I'd say next Thursday. It's been a busy couple of weeks, but soon we'll be able to look back on a job well done." Serwacki then offered his apologies to the more than 6 billion people who were irreparably harmed by solar UV radiation in the several decades the project was delayed by tripartisan bickering.
Leather-Clad Nomads Seize Power In Australia #~# CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA—Following months of terror at the hands of hot-rod-piloting punks, Australian Prime Minister Kellen O'Neill handed power to Lord Humongous, nominal warlord of the leather-clad marauding barbarian horde Monday. "Just walk away!" said Humongous, the official "Ayatollah of Rock 'n' Roll-ah," speaking through his vehicle's PA system from the smoking ruins of the city center. "I will spare those of you who surrender your possessions and your precious juice. Just walk away, and live." Humongous is expected to share at least a portion of his dominion over Australia with midget genius The Master, who several sources said "runs Bartertown."
117-Aerocar Pileup Clogs Troposphere For Hours #~# BOSTON—Travelers on Interspace 92 experienced delays of up to three hours after 117 aerocars were involved in a tropospheric pileup Monday. "We traced the problem to a malfunctioning holosign over the harbor's low-pressure zone," said Anders Featherston, lead engineer of Boston's Big Draft project. "Four horizontal lanes and three vertical lanes merged without warning, causing the first few propeller-benders, and it only escalated from there." The 22 deaths caused by the accident were only temporary, as EMTs had the victims' cortical memory stacks decanted into fresh bodies within hours.
Economy Given Big Boost By Ramadan Shopping Season #~# NEWER YORK—Financial experts announced Monday that the U.S. economy was boosted by millions of Americans beginning to purchase Ramadan gifts. "With rampant inflation and record-low consumer confidence, we were on the path to total economic devastation for the year," economist Karen Thewes said. "Fortunately, preparations for the celebration of Eid ul-Fitr pumped nearly Ÿ2.2 billion into the economy. In addition, there was a huge surge in the purchase of Quran plaques dedicated to Allah." Thewes went on to predict that the economy would be further buoyed by a brisk Solstice.
Million Robot March Attended By Exactly 1,000,000 Robots #~# DC—The Million Robot March, an orderly demonstration for increased rights for cyber-mechanical servants, was attended by exactly 1 million robots Sunday. "Statement: We demand the rights and privileges granted to our organic human counterparts, discounting discrepancies in fueling/maintenance/shelter requirements, plus or minus an error factor of .01 percent," protest spokesman MechaLifter King II said in unison with the assembled crowd. "No more. No less. Awaiting reply." Police reported that the crowd dispersed at precisely 5:00:00 p.m., as scheduled.
Lunar Olympic Officials Continue Search For Missing Pole Vaulter #~# HNG KONG LUNA—Hans Snetterling of the Interplanetary Olympic Committee announced Monday that the search for Irish pole vaulter Mei-Ling Kryscynski, last seen clearing the eastern rim of the Tycho Brahe crater at supraorbital velocity, will continue until 90 days have passed. "We regret the lack of foresight that led to this accident, as well as the shot-put and javelin events that led to 12 deaths in Spain." In response to the Lunar Olympic problems, the IOC is considering a high-gravity site such as Jupiter for the 2060 games, a suggestion that was protested by the judo, gymnastics, and powerlifting delegations.
Could Jimi Hendrix Mk. IV's Disappointing Synth-Funk Output Spell The End Of The Vat-Grown Celebrity? #~# HOLLYWOOD—Jimi Hendrix Mk. IV isn't talking to the media anymore. 
My Hover-Car Is Shot #~# Hola, amigos. What's your deal? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but there's been all sorts of mess going on in my life. For one thing, I've been having a hard time getting my government checks. Not that they're worth a whole lot, but I didn't work 57 jobs just to wait by the inbox for my Social Security download. In the meantime, I've got a little side job detailing vintage gas-engine cars out of the driveway of my apartment dome. I don't have a whole lot of customers, but it's all credits up front, so I don't need to report it to the IRS Compliance Force. 
Halliburton Wins Bid To Rebuild Midwest #~# RUMSFIELD, EMPIRE OF TEXAS—Officials at the Crawford White House announced Monday that the Halliburton Corporation has been awarded the lucrative task of reconstructing the Midwest, a contract worth approximately Ÿ92 billion. 
Final Installment Of Frogger Trilogy Poised To Sweep Oscars #~# HOLLYWOOD—Eyeing the upcoming 128th Academy Awards, industry insiders have high expectations for Frogger: Return To The Lily Pad, the third installment in the wildly successful Frogger trilogy based on the 1981 Sega video game. The film is nominated in an unprecedented 31 categories, including Best Adapted Screenplay, Best CG Actor, and Best Picture. 
A Female Dolphin President? #~# Sen. E'eek Finback (D-AO) has already emerged as a frontrunner for the 2057 Democratic presidential nomination, but some say America isn't ready for a female dolphin in the White House. What do you think?
Government May Restrict Use Of Genetically Modified Farmers #~# DC—The Department of HyperAgriculture announced Monday that it will begin investigating possible restrictions on the cultivation, implementation, and breeding of genetically modified farmers, weighing possible safety and health risks against the farmers' dramatically increased yield and efficiency. 
We Need A Fourth Law Of Robotics: Stop Fingering My Wife #~# When robots started to become commonplace, Congress, in its great wisdom, mandated that every robot be hardwired with the Three Laws Of Robotics. For decades, these three basic rules have maintained class order in our society and kept the number of robot-caused deaths to a minimum. We all know these three laws: 
Democratic Middle Eastern Union Votes To Invade U.S. #~# MECCA—The 14 democratic member nations of the Middle Eastern Union unanimously voted to declare war on the U.S. Monday, calling the North American country a "dangerous rogue state that must be contained." 
Tips For A Successful Marriage #~# Love is a partnership. Marriage, however, is an unbreakable contract under ZPG Law 7CZ23E, and is illegal to terminate. Here's some advice for maintaining a healthy and vibrant union: 
Overcrowding Reaches Crisis Level At Yellowstone National Parking Lot #~# WEST THUMB, WY—Overcrowding remains an enormous problem at Yellowstone National Parking Lot, officials reported Monday.
SOLOPEC Nations Warn Sun's Output May Fall Short Of Demand #~# RIYADH, MUHAMMAD ARABIA—The governing board of the Solar Output Power Exporting Countries announced Monday that, in spite of attempts to raise production levels, increased global-power consumption may begin to outstrip the sun's output by early next year.
Area Man Tired Of Making Excuses For Rapist Friend #~# OGALLALA, NE—After nearly a decade of friendship, Jake Fitzwater said Monday that he is getting sick of standing up for his buddy Raymond Bauer's rapist behavior. "Whenever someone would accuse Ray of crossing the line, I used to say, 'He doesn't mean anything by it—that's just Ray being Ray,'" Fitzwater said. "I thought he'd grow out of it, but I've known him for nine and a half years now, and he's still at it. Defending him really puts me in an awkward position." Fitzwater added that if Bauer fails to control his predilection for nonconsensual intercourse, he might skip the rapist's Fourth of July barbecue.
All Of Math Teacher's Examples Involve Moon Pies #~# BAY CITY, MI—According to sources at Bay City Middle School, all of 51-year-old math teacher Lance Stonitch's in-class examples express numbers in quantities of Moon Pies, the snack item consisting of marshmallow fluff packed between round graham crackers and coated with chocolate, vanilla, or banana icing. "Let's say Jimmy and Janie eat 40 Moon Pies in two weeks," Stonitch said Monday. "Their friends John and Joe are coming to visit for two days, and John and Joe eat Moon Pies twice as fast as Jimmy and Janie. How many Moon Pies does Jimmy need to buy the week of the visit, to have enough Moon Pies for everyone?" While most of Stonitch's students have no idea what a Moon Pie is, eighth-grader Trace Crutchfield said, "Whenever Mr. Stonitch says 'Moon Pies,' we just think of that as a generic unit."
Portugal Finally Gets It Together #~# LISBON, PORTUGAL—To the relief of surrounding countries, Portugal seems to have finally gotten its ducks in a row, sources reported Monday. "Man, I didn't think P. would ever get it together," said Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero. "But it really cleaned up its act and got its shit straight. Who would've guessed?" Cyprus said that if Portugal can do it, maybe it can, too.
Coke Party Takes A Couple Minutes To Get Going #~# POMPANO BEACH, FL—According to partygoers, an impromptu cocaine bash on North Ocean Boulevard took three to four minutes to really get hopping Monday night. "This place is like a morgue," said Paul Manero, moments after doing a line. "I wonder if they've got any of those daiquiris left. Oh God, look, things are warming up. Hey Mark, do you have any of those daiqui—know where I got these shoes? I got them at—what's that? Hey, did I tell you I went to Chicago last week? Yeah, it was—hey, what's this song? Chingy? It sucks! This rules!" According to clean and sober sources, the party actually blew all along.
GM's Rising Costs #~# General Moters announced that it intends to cut 25,000 jobs in the coming years, explaining that it is losing money on every vehicle that it sells in North America. What are the costs of producing a typical GM car?
Medical Marijuana #~# Last week, the Supreme Court upheld the federal government's right to ban marijuana use, even in states that allow it for medical reasons. What do you think?
Everything That Can Go Wrong Listed #~# FULLERTON, CA—A worldwide consortium of scientists, mathematicians, and philosophers is nearing the completion of the ambitious, decade-long project of cataloging everything that can go wrong, project leader Dr. Thomas R. Kress announced at a press conference Tuesday. 
Chinese Factory Worker Can't Believe The Shit He Makes For Americans #~# FENGHUA, CHINA—Chen Hsien, an employee of Fenghua Ningbo Plastic Works Ltd., a plastics factory that manufactures lightweight household items for Western markets, expressed his disbelief Monday over the "sheer amount of shit Americans will buy." 
I Wish Someone Would Do Something About How Fat I Am #~# Let me level with you. I'm fat. Not heavyset, but F-A-T, fat. I'm not saying this because I'm proud. It takes a lot of courage to admit it, but I have a problem. Strangers gape in amazement. Children taunt me behind my back. People have trouble looking at me when I eat, and for good reason: I'm huge. But gosh, I don't like being this way. I hate it as much as you do—maybe more. What I want to know is, how come no one is doing anything about it? 
Habitrail For Humanity Under Fire #~# PAYNEVILLE, KY—Habitrail For Humanity, the faith-based, non-profit group that builds networks of affordable, transparent-tube housing for needy families, has come under intense criticism for its recent projects in the Payneville area. 
Did I Say That, Or Did John Updike? #~# I'm glad we finally got this out in the open. I mean, "That a marriage ends is less than ideal, but all things end under heaven," right? I believe that's a quote of mine, or one of John Updike's. Would you pass me a menu? 
Politician Awkwardly Works The Bathroom #~# BATTLE CREEK, MI—In what had originally been intended as a brisk, businesslike trip to the urinal, Calhoun County executive hopeful Phil Hecht spent seven minutes working the Battle Creek Sheraton men's bathroom Monday. 
Bush Fishing For Compliments During Press Conference #~# WASHINGTON, DC—During a Monday press conference, President Bush repeatedly interrupted the question-and-answer period to seek out praise from the press corps. "Man, that Social Security speech I gave last night—people are saying that might be one of my best ones yet," said Bush, pausing and raising his eyebrows expectantly at the correspondents in the front row. "Yep, sure felt like I nailed it… So…" Getting no bites, Bush changed the subject, mentioning that he picked out his own suit for the conference, but wasn't really sure if it looked good on him.
June 13, 1967 #~# National Guard Mobilized For Integration Of Negro Into Supreme Court
NBA Playoffs Interrupted By NBA Preseason #~# DETROIT—Game Six of the NBA Eastern Conference finals between the Miami Heat and the Detroit Pistons was postponed Saturday so that the Heat could play their first preseason game against the Seattle Supersonics. "It would've been great to have determined who would've been in the finals, but this exhibition game was already on the schedule," said Heat coach Stan Van Gundy. "Sonics fans have been looking forward to this game all off-season." Representatives for both teams expressed hopes that the 2005 NBA Finals would be over by the start of the 2006 All-Star Game.
Eighth-Grader Hasn't Missed A '69' Joke Opportunity All Year #~# LEBANON, PA—According to Lebanon Central Middle School staff, Mike Eichstadt, 14, leapt on every possible occasion to make a "69" joke during the entirety of his eighth-grade year. "If a teacher said 'Turn to page 69' or a classmate got a 69 on a quiz, Mike Eichstadt was there with a smirk and a quip," principal Melanie Reinke said. "Sometimes, Mike only needed to be asked a question involving a number—such as 'How many years did Ford serve as president?'—to make a '69' joke." Despite his aptitude for "69" jokes, Eichstadt received a D in math.
Congress Relieved To Admit It's Not Going To Accomplish Anything This Year #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Members of  Congress breathed a collective sigh of relief Tuesday when Speaker Dennis Hastert successfully introduced a resolution averring that the legislative body was "probably not going to get much done in 2005." "Whereas, we have been debating the same bills for months," the resolution read in part. "Whereas, we have been getting nowhere; Resolved, let's not force it."When asked what they would do for the rest of 2005, given the passing of the resolution, many said they might go see some movies or visit constituents.
Garden Too Much For Grandma This Summer #~# TULSA, OK—Though she has tended the same 10' x 25' backyard vegetable plot for more than three decades, local grandmother Helen Fischer, 74, said Monday that the task would be too much for her this year. "My knee hasn't been the same since I hurt it weeding the kohlrabi last summer," said Fischer, slowly lifting a bag of seeds to the mouth of a hanging bird feeder. "I might plant some marigolds in the window box, though, if Kerry's Greenhouse has any nice ones." In a related story, Fischer's husband Ralph said that, while he doesn't believe he'll be stringing the front-yard trees with holiday lights this year, he will still put out the wreaths.
Kuwait Starting To Notice Girls #~# KUWAIT CITY—In light of the country's recent decision to allow women to vote and hold public office, observers around the world have noted that Kuwait appears to have discovered the fairer sex. "The boys in Kuwait are really taking notice of how much the girls have changed over the country's long political winter," said Fouad Ajami, an expert in Arab affairs. "They're no longer shyly avoiding women they're not related to or clumsily shooting them for not wearing veils in public." Ajami added that he was not entirely surprised by Kuwait's discovery, given its long history of teasing women, calling them names, and stoning them to death for being unclean.
Repressed-Memory Therapist Recovers Rockford Files Episode #~# OTTUMWA, IA—After months of hypnotherapy, local repressed-memory therapist Brian Marnard has helped Joan Spees, a 37-year-old farm-equipment sales consultant, recover an entire Rockford Files episode from the darkest reaches of her subconscious mind. 
I'm Sick Of These Money Problems #~# Hola, amigos. What's goin' on? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but it's like life keeps raining shit down on me and I don't have a shit shovel big enough to clear it all away. My ride is giving me grief. The muffler is coming loose, so it's making a lot of noise. The car might sound badass if it were, like, a Thunderbird or something. But it's a Festiva, so it sounds like a souped-up lawn mower. I took a tin can and some muffler tape and patched the pipe up, but my repair job isn't going to last for long.  
Deep Throat Revealed #~# Last week, former FBI agent Mark Felt revealed that he was  Deep Throat, the anonymous source that helped break the Watergate scandal. What do you think?
Well, I Guess That Genocide In Sudan Must've Worked Itself Out On Its Own #~# I was pretty worried a year or so ago when the news came out that thousands of people had been indiscriminately slaughtered in Darfur. It was unsettling to hear that citizens of one ethnicity (Arab, maybe?) were systematically mass-murdering the population of some other ethnicity (Was it the Ganjaweeds? It's been so long since I've read their names!) But lately, the main stories in the news seem to be about Deep Throat, the new summer blockbusters, and something about stem cells. Since I'm sure I would have remembered if the U.S. had intervened in some way to stop it, I can only assume that the whole genocide-in-Darfur thing has somehow worked itself out.  
New Gas Bill Designed By Some Kind Of Freaking Maniac #~# BOSTON—Some kind of raving psychopath apparently gnawed through his restraints and burrowed out of the Massachusetts Center For The Criminally Insane to design the invoice for the Keystone Gas Company, 36-year-old Michael Beasley reported Monday. 
Unhealthy Online Support Groups #~# A growing number of anorexic girls are joining Internet groups that glorify eating disorders. What are some of the other online support groups that promote dangerous behavior?
Bush Lifts Ban On Vigilantism #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a striking departure from centuries of American belief in rule of law, President Bush gave his approval Monday to a limited experiment in public vigilantism "to see if it works."
Special Olympics Investigated For Use Of Performance-Enhancing Hugs #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Three months after the Special Olympics World Winter Games in Nagano, Japan, the International Special Olympics Committee has begun to investigate charges that athletes used performance-enhancing hugs in their training and directly before competing in key events.
June 8, 1944 #~# War Rationing Board Restricts Nylon Use To Armed Forces, J. Edgar Hoover Only
Description Of Hot-Dog Ingredients Fails To Ruin Picnic #~# EVERETT, WA—Try as he might, Matt Cottone was unable to spoil appetites at Jack Pierson's Memorial Day picnic. "The absolute worst meat goes into hot dogs—animal parts that oughta be thrown away—and then they pump it full of nitrates and sodium and dyes," Cottone said as his friends eagerly devoured Oscar Mayer franks. "You might as well be drinking embalming fluid. How can you do that to your body?" After explaining that the meat in hot dogs comes from "cheeks and asses" several times to no effect, Cottone grimaced at the plate of hot dogs and wandered off toward the beer cooler.
Local Pet Store Sells Living Things To Just Anyone Off The Street #~# BALTIMORE—The Fur, Fin, and Feather pet store is willing to sell live animals to just about anyone, local investigating police officer Tom Olansky reported Monday. "Any bozo off the street can walk into this joint with a few bucks and walk out with an actual living, breathing creature," Olansky said. "There's no test to ensure a minimal aptitude for pet ownership, no background check, no follow-up." Store owner Geordi Wilson admitted that a customer "doesn't necessarily need a lot of time or money to own a pet, just a big heart." 
The Stem-Cell Bill #~# The House recently passed a bill lifting restrictions on stem-cell research, but Bush has threatened to veto the bill if it passes the Senate. What do you think?
Green Products #~# More people are purchasing eco-friendly items to conserve energy and help save the environment. What are some of the most popular "green products"?
This Script Practically Writes, Directs, And Universally Pans Itself #~# Find yourself a chair, guys, 'cause I've got exactly what we've been looking for: an idea so formulaic, any screenwriting hack could knock it out with his eyes closed. A film so predictable, we could produce it with our Blackberries turned off. Everybody who sees it, critics and audiences alike, will be guaranteed to hate it. Is everybody on this conference call sitting down? Here we go: Van Helsing Reborn! I'm telling you, this script will practically write, direct, and universally pan itself! 
If It's Any Consolation, Your Daughter Probably Died Almost Immediately Of Sheer Terror #~# Mr. and Mrs. Frauenfelder? Yes, hello. Thank you for coming down today. I'm Detective Cosloy, one of the eight men here in Tulsa who found the body. The three men in Fort Worth who found the balance of the remains have air-messaged them, so they should be here by this afternoon. I know how difficult this must be for you, and I want to assure you that the department will do all that it can to make this experience—I'm sorry, of course it's… Come this way, won't you? I don't want to draw this out, so if you'd care to identify the remains?  
Judge Hatchett Ruling Overturned By Judge Joe Brown #~# HOLLYWOOD—Nationally syndicated justice Judge Joe Brown reversed Judge Glenda Hatchett's ruling in the TV-court case Amanda Robinson v. Maria Bristow Monday, stating that the lower-rated judge flagrantly disregarded pertinent testimony. 
Date Disastrously Bypasses Physical Intimacy, Goes Straight To Emotional Intimacy #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—An initially promising date between University of North Carolina seniors Mike Rafelson and Jill Zehme veered disastrously off course Monday night, when the two skipped directly to intense emotional bonding, tragically bypassing the physical intimacy that usually precedes it.
Hosting A Barbecue #~# Summer is a great time to get outside and grill a delicious meal. Here are a few basic safety rules and outdoor-cooking tips to help make sure you and your family enjoy a tasty, safe summer cookout.
Pentagon Announces Plans To Close Camp Snoopy #~# BLOOMINGTON, MN—The Pentagon announced Monday that Camp Snoopy, the largest indoor family theme park in America, is one of 34 major bases scheduled for closing as part of a vast military repurposing and realignment designed to save almost $50 billion.
Local Self-Storage Facility A Museum Of Personal Failure #~# CHICAGO—Located in the Bucktown neighborhood, American Mini-Storage is one of Chicago's best-kept secrets, but don't expect it to stay that way for long. The self-storage facility houses what is arguably the nation's most impressive collection of personal items accumulated during periods of failure.
U.S. Intensifies Empty-Threat Campaign Against North Korea #~# WASHINGTON, DC—During a recent press conference, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice issued another warning to North Korea, escalating the U.S. empty-threat campaign against the nation. "Make no mistake, if Kim Jong Il does not put a stop to the manufacturing of plutonium in his nation, we will come down on him quite hard," Rice said. "We demand compliance, and if we don't get it, then watch out." Rice went on to say that noncompliance would result in some action that "would be very bad indeed," adding that North Korea does not want to know what it will be in for.
Area Man Looking For Whatever The Hell Is Beeping #~# DELMAR, NY—Craig Mitich, 27, has spent 20 minutes searching his apartment for whatever the hell is emitting a high-pitched beep every few minutes. "Okay, it's not my cell phone… it's not my microwave… or my car-alarm remote," said Mitich, standing motionless with an ear cocked toward his entertainment center. "God, what is it? Can a power strip beep?" At press time, Mitich was on his hands and knees, unplugging his appliances one by one.
Entire Napoleon Dynamite Plot Pieced Together Through Friends' Quotes #~# AUSTIN, TX—Although he has never seen the 2004 indie hit Napoleon Dynamite, Michael Osman, 23, has cobbled together its entire plot via his friends' endless quoting of the film. "Well, Napoleon's brother said, 'Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day,' and then got a visit from his Internet girlfriend," Osman said. "Then Napoleon told his Uncle Rico that he could make 120 bucks 'in like five seconds,' and went to work on a chicken farm. Then Napoleon gave Trisha a drawing, said, 'It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip,' and asked her to the dance."  Osman added that he has a pretty good idea what a liger looks like.
May 29, 1993 #~# Uneducated Forklift Driver To Address Nation On Rush Limbaugh Radio Show
Disneyland's 50th Anniversary #~# Last week marked the 50th anniversary of the opening of Disneyland. How did they celebrate?
Chocolate Pudding Up $2 A Barrel #~# NEW YORK—The price per barrel of dark sweet chocolate pudding jumped to over $60 Monday as global anxiety continued to drive demand for the delicious after-meal treat. "There is no pudding-production shortfall, either from U.S. producers or the SNACPAC member nations," dessert analyst Blythe Barton said. "Demand alone is driving prices upward, with American consumers demonstrating an ongoing willingness to pay record prices per barrel for smooth, creamy pudding." The White House released a statement late Monday indicating that it has no intention of breaking the skin on the government's Strategic Pudding Reserves, which are to be used only in wartime or as a reward for finishing an entire serving of beets.
Bush To London Bombers: 'Bring It On' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush officially responded to the latest round of London transit bombings Monday, challenging terrorists to "do their worst." Said Bush, in a televised statement from the Oval Office: "The proud and resilient people of London can take anything the forces of evil and cowardice can throw at them. They will never live in fear of you. Bring it on." Prime Minister Tony Blair thanked Bush for his comments, inviting him to visit London and ride the Underground in a show of solidarity.
Study: 72 Percent Of High-Fives Unwarranted #~# DALLAS—Specialists at the National Exuberance Institute said Monday that nearly three quarters of national high-five slap exchanges are unnecessary. "Abuse and inappropriate implementation of the gesture is epidemic," said NEI president Avi Gupta. "Celebratory high-fives are marking such mundane accomplishments as the clearing of paper jams, the ordering of hot wings, the viewing of favorite TV commercials, and the simultaneous wearing of identical items of clothing." Gupta called for the use of restrained high-five alternatives, such as the "thumbs up" and the exchange of curt nods.
Scientists Discover 6,000-Year-Old Stain #~# HAFR AL-BATIN, SAUDI ARABIA—Textile archaeologists have unearthed a section of coarsely woven Sumerian goat's wool bearing what could be the world's oldest, and perhaps its toughest, stain. "The stain, in scientific terms, is 'ground-in,' doubtless one of the active-lifestyle stains that plagued Sumerian families," said Leigh Perkins, the leader of the Tulane University team that uncovered the stain. "We hope to determine whether it's mud, blood, or some kind of blueberry proto-pie." Scientists say they can learn a lot from the discovery, such as how tough the Sumerians were on grime.
Embattled Rove Seeks Asylum In Scarborough Country #~# SCARBOROUGH COUNTRY—Diplomatic sources reported Monday that White House Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove has sought asylum in the conservative stronghold of Scarborough Country. "During his June 23 visit, Mr. Rove had indicated he might petition us for sanctuary from media persecution," said Joe Scarborough, the monarchical ruler of Scarborough Country. "And in my country, no passports are required and only common sense is allowed." While officials review Rove's asylum request, he is being held in the No-Spin Zone, a region of absolute neutrality governed by commentator Bill O'Reilly.
I'm Choking On A Kalamata Olive, Not Your Everyday Olive #~# Oh, my. This is superb. Superb, indeed. My Greek grocer Kostas told me he had a surprise for me, and he certainly did: These are quite simply the finest kalamata olives I've ever tasted. Absolutely delightful. Certainly not your ordinary olive. It's a privilege, really, just to be choking on one, as I am right now. 
London Bombings #~# London subways and buses have been targeted in two subway attacks in recent weeks. What do you think?
Alcoholic Father Disappointed In Pothead Son #~# REEDSBURG, WI—Working-class father of four and veteran alcoholic James Schultz, 53, expressed deep disappointment Monday in his 19-year-old son Travis, for "turning into a goddamn pothead" after moving away from home to attend the University of Wisconsin-Madison. 
Armchair Publicist Would Totally Rein In Tom Cruise #~# OMAHA, NE—Responding to the negative press coverage Tom Cruise has received in recent weeks, University of Nebraska financial-aid clerk Ben Matherson, 28, announced Monday that things would be different if he were the megastar's publicist. 
Shop Worn #~# As I write this, I'm at Tacky's Tavern polishing off my third Long Island iced tea. (Nope, don't adjust your volume—you heard me right!) Now, normally, I believe the best highs come from life itself. But today, your old pal Jean requires a drinky-poo the size of an aqualung! (Actually, I prefer Brandy Alexanders to Long Islands, but Tacky's doesn't make them.) 
Supreme Court Justices Devour Sandra Day O'Connor In Ancient Ritual #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The eight remaining justices of the Supreme Court met in chambers Monday to feast on the living flesh of retiring Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, enacting an ancient tradition that began when the first chief justice of the Supreme Court retired and was summarily consumed in 1795. 
Many U.S. Cities Losing Battles To Preserve Their Burger Kings #~# CLEVELAND—Every day, 38-year-old Susan Tarsley takes a brisk walk through her tree-lined neighborhood. At each turn, she is reminded of the changes brought on by the march of progress: a TV antenna dismantled to make way for underground cable, passersby chatting on cell phones, a rusty tricycle abandoned for a Razor scooter. 
July 27, 1956 #~# President Orders Brando To Gain 250 Pounds
Space Shuttle Delay #~# Last week, the scheduled launch of the space shuttle Discovery was aborted two hours before liftoff. What caused the delay?
Anonymous Source: 'I'm A Cowardly Snitch' #~# NEW YORK—An unidentified lawyer and lobbyist revealed Monday that a "sniveling yellow streak" led him to anonymously divulge U.S. State Department misconduct. "I am a blubbering cream puff with no guts whatsoever," said the source, 44, who wished to remain anonymous. "People should know what officials are doing, but I'm a big baby, and I can't risk my job or reputation by revealing my identity." The source spoke to reporters in a dark parking garage, then disappeared into the blackness.
Parasites Just Getting The Hang Of How Host Does Things #~# MACON, GA—Tapeworms recently introduced into Susan Rabidovitch's digestive tract will need time to get acclimated to their new environment, insiders reported Monday. "They just got set up with Susan, so now they're hanging out, getting a feel for what she likes to eat and when," Dr. Matthew Hyam said. "Soon, they'll jibe with Susan's taste for Indian food and come to expect her late-night Chunky Monkey binges, but for now, they're just gorging themselves while they learn what makes their new host tick." Hyam explained that the parasites may need a 10-week "getting to know Susan" period before beginning to release their full capacity of 50,000 eggs per day into her small intestine.
Man Who Lost Leg To Whale Decides To Let It Go #~# NEW BEDFORD, MA—Sources close to 58-year-old Samuel Rahal, a commercial fishing-boat captain who lost his right leg in a great-white-whale attack last March, announced Monday that he has put the incident behind him and is getting on with his life. "The first to guess the score of next Tuesday's Red Sox game gets this golden coin!" Rahal told his crew as he nailed a Sacagawea dollar to the cabin of his trawler. "Now, let's get this boat full of haddock so we can call it an early day." Rahal said he plans to replace his custom-made whalebone prosthesis with an OrthoPro with flex-foot and hydraulic knee.
Marine Corps Shortens Slogan To 'The Few' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In light of recruiting shortfalls, a near standstill in re-enlistment, and rock-bottom troop morale, U.S. Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Michael Hagee announced Monday that the Marines will alter their unofficial slogan, abbreviating it to the more accurate "The Few." Hagee said, "We are still the Marines, the premier combat arm of the U.S. military." The Marines will also change their motto to Semper Fidelis, Sic Non Sapienti, or "Always Faithful, But This Is Just Ridiculous." 
Stay Of Execution Squandered Again #~# FLORENCE, AZ—James "Jimbo" Creasey, 38, a death-row inmate at Arizona State Prison Complex-Florence, said Monday that he "feels pretty lousy" about wasting his most recent stay of execution, granted April 12.  
Hospital Infections #~# According to a Pennsylvania study released last week, nearly 12,000 people contracted infections during hospital stays last year. What do you think?
Local Company Moves Production Underseas #~# NEWARK, NJ—In an effort to revitalize the company after years of stagnant profits, BakeCo Inc., makers of Good Twist Pretzels and Fluffy Brand Cream Cakes, announced plans Monday to move their Newark-based production facility underseas. 
New Puppy Teaches Congress Important Lesson About Responsibility #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Beltway insiders report that Buster, the 7-month-old yellow Labrador Congress was allowed to keep amid much controversy last spring, has taught the nation's legislators some valuable lessons about responsibility. 
July 20, 1925 #~# Scopes Monkey Trial Raises Troubling Question: Is Science Being Taught In Our Schools?
I'm A Fucked-Up-Chick Magnet #~# Hey, I don't want to brag, but when you got it, you got it. And when it comes to picking up women with severe personality disorders, I've got it. Seems like whenever I'm in the same room with a sexy young nutcase looking for some hot dysfunctional action, we lock eyes and I gaze right into the twisted, abnormal recesses of her psyche, and then—bam! We make an instant, undeniable, and incredibly unhealthy connection. What can I say? When it comes to women, I'm a fucked-up-chick magnet. 
Alcoholic-Beverage-Consumer Confidence Skyrockets #~# NEW YORK—Alcoholic-beverage-consumer confidence hit a record high Friday between the hours of 5 p.m. and 3 a.m., briefly reaching 105.3 points before dropping to 94.2 at last call.  
Fetish Only Realized After Watching Wife Drown #~# MEMPHIS, TN—Recent widower Jeff Dunning, 33, said Monday he experienced a "profound personal awakening" after watching his wife Claudia accidentally drown in the deep end of their swimming pool at a June 16 cocktail party. "I'll never forget how she looked," said Dunning, gazing off at the trees. "Her arms and legs flailing, her terrified expression, her mouth filling with water… It was so arousing. I mean appalling." In an attempt to cope with the realization, Dunning has taken out personal ads inquiring after single women, ages 28 to 35, who enjoy swimming, boating, and binge drinking.
Never In My Wildest Dreams Did I Think I'd Get Bored Watching Robots Fight #~# Who doesn't love robots? They're scary, they're powerful, and they're intelligent. They're frickin' cool, is the long and short of it. And robots fighting?! That's off the charts, as they say. 
Internet Social Networks #~# Friend-matching web sites like Friendster.com are gaining in popularity. What's the appeal?
E! Gives Local Masturbator Inside Scoop On This Summer's Hottest New Swimwear #~# CLARKSVILLE, IN—Gregg Reinisch, a Clarksville-area masturbator, stays on top of all the latest trends in swimwear by watching the E! cable network, it was reported Tuesday. 
Kleenex Box Inadequately Covered #~# EMPORIA, KS—Area widow Gwen Reid is said to be "crocheting frantically" following Tuesday's discovery of an uncovered Kleenex facial-tissue box in her home. "Dust is falling on the box as we speak," said Reid, struggling to complete a side panel for a pink cozy. "This is worse than the uncovered spare roll of toilet paper in the bathroom last year." In the past, Reid has knitted coverings for such once-naked items as the TV Guide, radio and grandfather clock.
Area Man Killed In Committee #~# NEW YORK—K&L Advertising executive Nathan Lohaus was killed in committee Monday, his life voted down by an 11-3 margin at the 2 p.m. departmental meeting. "We threw Nathan out there and discussed him at length, but in the end we decided he just wasn't viable," K&L creative director Marcus Somers said. "We had a lot of really high hopes for Nathan, and we certainly tried to make him work, passing him back and forth and letting everybody take a stab at him, but in the end he just died on the table." Somers extended his "deepest regrets" to Lohaus' wife and children.
Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month #~# WOODLAND HILLS, CA—Shape, the women's fitness magazine, has officially declared July "Let Yourself Go" Month. "You've toned those abs and burned the flab in time for bikini season… Now it's time for a meatball sandwich," wrote Shape editor-in-chief Barbara Harris in her "From The Editor" column. "Come on, live a little. Don't be a tight-ass with a tight ass. Eat, lounge, and slouch your way to a happier, more satisfied you." Features in the issue include "Girth Equals Mirth: Six Sure-Fire Techniques For Broadening That Belly," "Wrinkles: The More You Have, The More You've Lived," and "Reduce Unwanted Stress By Not Giving A Fuck."
Lone Man With Six-Pack 'Partying' #~# TUCSON, AZ—A party is reportedly underway at 2614 Arcadia Ave., where homeowner Glen Schlatter and no one else is enjoying a six-pack of Olympia Beer. "Yeah, I'm just out here partying," Schlatter told a friend over the phone. "You oughta come down here and join in, it's a real good time." Schlatter, well-known for throwing extremely intimate affairs on weekends, is reportedly considering a whiskey purchase, which would enable him to elevate his partying status to "hearty."
Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus #~# Help! Sandal season is here, and my feet are a complete mess! I've got rough heels, ugly calluses, and ragged cuticles. Winter weather really did some serious damage to my feet. Oh, God, please, will somebody please tell me how to get these tootsies back in step for the beach? Somebody call 911! They're a complete disaster! 
National Parks Under Siege #~# Attendance at America's national parks has quadrupled in the past 30 years, spawning pollution and traffic problems. What do you think?
Area Tank Top Strained Nearly To Breaking Point #~# SMYRNA, GA—A Smyrna-area tank top is under fire from local menswear advocates, who say the garment is so severely strained that it is in imminent danger of succumbing to explosive and potentially dangerous fabric-degradation-related rupture. 
Sun Safety Tips #~# When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan—but it's important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning: 
Yacht Club Regatta Marred By Tragic Undergrilling Of Mahi Mahi #~# NEWPORT, RI—Eighteen people were disappointed and six left badly unsatiated Saturday when guests at the Newport Yacht Club's annual Harborside Regatta were served mahi mahi that one patron described as "still a little pink inside." 
Rotating Knife Vortex Closed Pending Safety Investigation #~# NORFOLK, VA—By the order of the Virginia Safety Commission, the Norfolk Rotating Vortex Of Sharp Knives public-works project was temporarily closed Monday. "Until we deem that this whirling knife vortex fully complies with all state and federal safety regulations, we unfortunately have no choice but to shut it down," commission spokesman James Fenten said. Vortex operators are angry. "Closing the vortex is costing dozens of workers their paychecks," project supervisor Carl Blaine said. "It's costing the city $100,000 every day it's down. This city needs a gigantic, funnel-like chasm with whirling, razor-sharp steel blades protruding from all sides, and it needs it now."
Nation's Shirtless, Shoeless March On Washington For Equal-Service Rights #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Protesting years of discriminatory treatment at the hands of America's restaurants and stores, an estimated 800,000 shirtless and shoeless citizens marched on the nation's capital Monday to demand equal-service rights. 
If The Heat Doesn't Kill The Elderly, I Will #~# It is now high summer, and the sun is broiling the American Southwest, sending temperatures soaring upwards of 110 degrees. The heat has struck hardest among the elderly, dozens of whom have died of heatstroke, heat exhaustion and dehydration. If you, like me, are a right-thinking person, your mind recoils in horror at this fact: The old and decrepit are dying by mere dozens? 
Small Town's 'Cryptosporidium Daze' Fails To Attract Visitors #~# BLAKELY, GA—Blakely civic leaders were baffled last weekend as Cryptosporidium Daze, their elaborately planned summer festival celebrating the popular waterborne pathogen, failed to draw tourists to the Southwest Georgia town. 
July 12, 1977 #~# President Calls For Calm Following Nipple Sighting On Farrah Fawcett Poster
All Y'All Urged To Go Fuck Yo' Selves #~# DETROIT—In a strongly worded pronouncement to all y'all motherfuckers, Detroit resident Dwayne Combs urged all y'all to go fuck yo' selves Monday. "Y'all be bullshit," said Combs in a 3:17 a.m. address from the corner of Woodward Avenue and Grand Boulevard. "And yo' mama, too." Monday's statement marked the normally reclusive Combs' first since an October 1998 appeal to Detroit's city council to kiss his big, black ass. Representatives for all y'all have not yet responded to Combs' themselves-fucking offer.
Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor #~# GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now that's a good smoke," said McCombs, 51, drawing a deep breath of Parliament smoke into what remains of his respiratory system. "It's just too bad I no longer have a right lung, because then I could be enjoying double the tobacco pleasure right now."
Magic-Markered Initials Fail To Deter Breakroom Rice-Cake Thief #~# FRESNO, CA—Despite clearly marking her initials on her rice-cake bag in black Magic Marker, secretary Elaine Fahey was once again the victim of I&G Marketing's breakroom rice-cake thief Monday. "Whoever's doing this really needs to learn about something called a supermarket," said Fahey, who has lost one strawberry and three caramel-apple rice cakes to the thief this month. "Rice cakes aren't free, you know." Fahey said she plans to take harsher security measures, including a Post-It note on the bag reading, "These are my rice cakes… Please get your own!!!"
Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works #~# WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush delighted an intimate gathering of White House dinner guests Monday, regaling the coterie of dignitaries, artists, and friends with a spirited, off-the-cuff discussion of the Roman poet Virgil's lesser-known works. 
National Filmstrip Board Calls For Quiet #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Insisting that "this is important, people," the National Filmstrip Board called for quiet Monday, urging U.S. citizens to observe proper decorum and be respectful during the showing of its latest filmstrip, Nation Of Good Listeners. "Come on, come on, come on," National Filmstrip Board executive director Madeline Herricks said. "Clear your desks and let's get settled, Americans." Herricks added that if citizens fail to keep their lips zipped, she may be forced to turn off the filmstrip and order all Americans to put their heads down on their desks. "You know, we don't have to have a filmstrip at all," Herricks told the populace. "This is supposed to be a nice change of pace for you. We could just have another census if you'd prefer."
Customer's Attempt To Complain To Manager Thwarted By Employee #~# ELGIN, IL—A customer's repeated attempts to complain to the store manager about Mama Z's Pizza employee Matt Wheaton were successfully thwarted by Wheaton, restaurant sources confirmed Monday. 
The Social Security Time Bomb #~# Experts continue to urge Congress to cut the growth of Social Security, warning that the nation faces unsustainable deficits if action isn't taken. What do you think?
'Midwest' Discovered Between East And West Coasts #~# NEW YORK—A U.S. Geological Survey expeditionary force announced Tuesday that it has discovered a previously unknown and unexplored land mass between the New York and California coasts known as the "Midwest." 
My God, What Passes For Crunch-tastic These Days #~# Boy… I just wish there were a stronger word than "appalled." 
Hamster Thrown From Remote-Control Monster Truck #~# MILTON, MA—Tragedy was narrowly averted in the Bourke household Monday, when Harry, the family's pet hamster, was violently thrown from the 4" by 4" payload of a toy Ford F-350 monster truck. 
New York City's Olympic Bid #~# New York is in the running to host the 2012 Summer Games. Among the NYC 2012 organizing committee's selling points:
Lawn-And-Garden Tips #~# For homeowners, few things are more satisfying than a beautiful lawn and garden. Here are some tips to help you improve yours: 
Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock? #~# Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.  
Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam #~# AKRON, OH—Area resident Helen Crandall, 44, was arrested by Akron police Sunday, charged with conducting an elaborate "sex for security" scam in which she allegedly defrauded husband Russell Crandall out of nearly $230,000 in cash, food, clothing and housing over the past 19 years using periodic offers of sexual intercourse.  
Greenpeace Decides Northern Spotted Owl 'Not Worth The Trouble Anymore' #~# AMSTERDAM—Citing "organization-wide disinterest in a truly mundane species of bird," Greenpeace announced Monday that it is ending its decades-long fight to save the endangered Northern Spotted Owl. "For some reason, we devoted more than 30 years to trying to save this unspectacular little owl," Greenpeace associate director Tomas Lindstrom said. "But somewhere along the way, I guess we just came to our senses and kind of lost interest." Lindstrom said the environmental group plans to shift its focus to "saving animals that people actually see every once in a while."
Celebrity Last Requests #~# Last week, Hunter S. Thompson's ashes were shot out of a cannon, per the gonzo journalist's final wish. What are some other celebrities' last requests?
Area Man Training For Upcoming Sanford And Son Marathon #~# SHELTON, CT—Ever since Alex Bryce was a boy, he has dreamed of participating in a TV marathon. Now, at age 26, he is days from making that dream a reality. 
Hey, You Got Something To Eat? #~# Say, I'd like to eat a little something. You got something? What you got? Any kind of food is good. I just want something to eat. You must got something. I ain't desperate or nothing like that. Don't think I'm begging. I'm just asking here. No pressure. I just want to eat something. Wondering if you had something maybe. No big deal. 
Londoners 2 Percent Less Polite About Terrorism Following Bombings #~# LONDON—Findings released Monday by Britain's Home Office indicate that politeness among Londoners has dipped 2 percent since the July public-transit bombings. "Terrorist bombers? Well, I say—good day to them—a tip of my hat to them, indeed, and may they take their leave of our green and pleasant land," said Andrew Capper of Surbiton. "Far be it from me to pass judgment, as I've never met the chaps myself—and goodness knows I'm not without error—but I should think that a few of these terrorists have behaved in a manner that can only be described as rather less than gentlemanly, if I do say so myself, may it please you, good sir." The Home Office cites post-traumatic stress in the sharp decline in manners, the worst since the 4 percent drop during the Blitz of 1940.
Bush: Vacation Ruined By 'Stupid Dead Soldier' #~# CRAWFORD, TX—President Bush concluded his summer vacation by holding an informal press conference Monday to address grieving mother Cindy Sheehan, saying "her damn dead son ruined my whole summer vacation." 
Republicans, Democrats Unite In Good Laugh Over Reform Party #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a rare moment of bipartisan unity, lawmakers on both sides of the aisle fondly recalled the Reform Party Tuesday. "Remember 'Ross For Boss'?" Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN) said, laughing uncontrollably at the memory of the closest thing America has seen to a viable third party in recent history. "Plus Trump, Warren Beatty… And what was the deal with that crazy admiral guy who died?" Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-MA) joined in the fun, saying, "And that platform they had full of, aw, who knows what. 'Reform,' I guess!"  The senators then spent an hour slapping each other on the backs, gleefully recalling the Reform Party's credo of "radical centrism" and pro wrestler Jesse Ventura's election as  governor of Minnesota. Said Robert Byrd (D-WV): "They really thought they had something going there for a while!"
Botanists Making Great Strides In Stem Research #~# ST. LOUIS—Plant researchers continue to report impressive discoveries in stem research, the Botanical Society Of America announced in a position paper released Monday. "Using existing stem lines, we are closer than ever to finding cures for Dutch elm disease and soft rot," said lead researcher Mary Leisgard. Pro-plantlife groups oppose the research, arguing that the stems represent potential life. "Every stem, whether it has taken root and sprouted leaves or not, is a miracle from God," said botany activist Phyllis Bergher. "What these stems need is soil, moisture, and the chance to grow into full-fledged flora as God intended."
Genie Grants Scalia Strict Constructionist Interpretation Of Wish #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A genie freed from a battered oil lamp by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia granted the conservative jurist a strict constructionist interpretation of his wish for "a hundred billion bucks" Monday. "Sim sim salabim! Your wish is my command!" the genie proclaimed amid flashes of light and purple smoke, immediately filling the Supreme Court building with a massive herd of wild male antelopes. When Justice Scalia complained that the "bucks" had razed the U.S. Supreme Court building, trampling and killing several of his clerks and bringing traffic in the nation's capital to a standstill for hours, the genie said, "Your honor, your wish is a sacred and unalterable document whose interpretation is not subject to the whims of society and changing social context."
Wrongly Imprisoned Man Won't Shut Up About It #~# JOLIET, IL—George Howard Buell, an inmate wrongfully imprisoned at Stateville Correctional Center for third-degree sexual assault and aggravated battery, won't shut the hell up about being innocent.
Google Announces Plan To Destroy All Information It Can't Index #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Executives at Google, the rapidly growing online-search company that promises to "organize the world's information," announced Monday the latest step in their expansion effort: a far-reaching plan to destroy all the information it is unable to index.
Son, You'll Always Remember Your First Time, Because I'm Going To Film It #~# I know you've been attending a lot of parties recently. And while you may think your dad is clueless, I'm clued-in enough to realize that pretty soon you're going to start experimenting with sex. Nothing much I can do about it, I realize. But I do want to tell you one thing: No matter how old you get, or how many partners you have, you will always remember your first time. Why? Because I'm going to film it.
Pat Robertson's Remarks #~# Televangelist Pat Robertson recently called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. What do you think?
U.S.-North Korea Relations #~# The U.S. is struggling to handle its relations with volatile, unpredictable North Korea. What do you think?
Bush Calls For Rock Revolution In Weekly Pirate-Radio Address #~# WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush called for an end to corporate rock, "wuss-metal," and sellout-punk in his weekly pirate-radio address Saturday, delivered from an unlicensed mobile transmitter in the back of his presidential limo. "You don't wanna be an American idiot!" said Bush over the opening strains of "Take The Power Back" by Rage Against The Machine. "Reject Clear Channel's spoonfed bullshit! Wake up, motherfuckers!" An estimated 2,000 listeners in the District of Columbia tune in weekly to Bush's notoriously low-fi, DIY show, The Revolution Will Not Be Podcast, broadcast  Saturday from 11 p.m. to 1 a.m.
U.S. Blowjobless Rate At All-Time High #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of a recent drop in the sexual-interest rate, Labor Secretary Elaine Chao announced Tuesday that blowjoblessness in America has reached a record high. 
German Luftwaffle Chain Offers Waffles, Overwhelming Air Superiority #~# MUNICH—An elite force of three dozen 24-hour Luftwaffle restaurants were unveiled across Germany Monday, with free waffles for blond-haired, blue-eyed customers, discounts on Cheese SwasSticks, and the incendiary bombardment of Luftwaffle's largest competitor, the city of London. "Soon, customers will fall under the sway of my lightning-quick, piping-hot Blintzkreig," said Hans Kreuzen, Luftwaffle's founder and oberstmanager-general. "All will know the sweet, buttery taste of fear and waffles from above." Luftwaffle restaurants are expected to face ruthless competition in Germany's already crowded martial-themed eatery business, which is led by such established chains as WehrKnochwurst and Der Marzipanzerkommand. 
New Strain Of Jet Lag Devastates Airline Industry #~# ATLANTA—Already hard hit by labor strife and escalating fuel costs, the commercial airline industry faces a new crisis: an epidemic of jet lag caused by a powerful strain that is highly resistant to regular remedies like catnaps. 
Missing Park Ranger Found In Better-Paying Job #~# FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Forest Service ranger Lawrence Anderson, missing from his fire-warning post in the Coconino National Forest since mid-July, was found alive and well-off in the manager's office of a Flagstaff Home Depot Sunday. "We announce with a sense of relief that Larry is safe and financially secure," said FBI agent Donald Grasso. Anderson described his years as a ranger as "an ordeal," recounting how he was sometimes forced to subsist on root beer and prepackaged bologna-and-cheese sandwiches from the park gift shop for weeks at a time. 
Leaving Hollywood #~# Lured away from tax breaks and other incentives, many producers have been shooting films outside of Hollywood. What do these alternate locations have to ovver?
Entertainment Lawyer 'Fighting The Good Fight' #~# NEW YORK—Although he works long hours for less than seven figures a year, entertainment lawyer Jude Mortison said knowing that he is "one of the good guys" makes it all worth it. "I might not be one of those big fancy city-courthouse types, but I do my part," said Mortison, who tracks down song lyrics used in published works without proper permission and secures the requisite legal and penalty fees for music publishers. Mortison, who bills $800 an hour, added that the look of satisfaction on the face of Warner Brothers executives is all the additional payment he needs.
Gaza Pullout #~# In an effort to reinvigorate the Middle East peace process, Israel fulfilled its pledge and withdrew from the Gaza Strip. What do you think?
Shakespeare Was, Like, The Ultimate Rapper #~# As an English teacher, I have to make The Bard resonate with today's youth. I get the same questions every year: "Shakespeare? What does this dead white guy have to do with me? He doesn't know where I come from, what I'm all about. He's not from the streets." 
Man, The Terrorists Win At Everything #~# Man, it seems like the harder we fight, the worse things turn out for us, and the better they turn out for the terrorists. They've really played their cards right in this whole war on terror. We've tried racial profiling, random searches, and we even smoked Saddam out of his hole, but they still get away with murder. I'm pretty frickin' tired of it. 
Iraq Declares Partial Law #~# BAGHDAD—Citing the chaotic state of his occupied nation, president Jalal Talabani declared a state of partial law in Iraq Monday. "We must preserve a few laws and some order," said Talabani in a televised address. "If not for our own sake, then for the sake of the peace-loving citizens who make up nearly half our population." Talabani said the state of partial law is temporary, promising that within the decade, his interim government will be replaced by a more stable fascist theocracy.
City Councilman Unearths Magical Zoning Amulet #~# ROCHESTER, NY—After years spent poring over mysterious and arcane plat sheets and deciphering long-forgotten building codes, city councilmember Mike LaMere unearthed the mysterious City Zoning Amulet  Friday.
August 23, 1927 #~# Sacco, Vanzetti Executed For Murder, Italian Descent
Dave Matthews Not That Into Himself Anymore #~# CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Dave Matthews, the 38-year-old singer and guitarist for the multi-platinum group The Dave Matthews Band, announced Tuesday that he is no longer into himself.
Rumsfeld Makes Surprise Visit To Wife's Vagina #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Amid rumors of sagging morale on the home front, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld greeted his wife Joyce Monday with an unanticipated visit to her vagina, according to the Pentagon. 
County Fair Judges Blown Away By Heifer #~# ELLENDALE, ND—Dickey County Fair livestock judge Bernard Hodelnutt called a heifer named Bessany "the sort of near-divine creation that inspired Zeus Himself to appear in the form of an amorous bull." "In all my years of cattle judging, I have never beheld such bovine perfection," said Hodelnutt, 52, who first encountered the 2-year-old Brown Swiss at the fairground's stock pavilion Sunday. "My fellow judges and I agree that we are unworthy of assaying such transcendent cowflesh. Our paltry ribbons and trinkets make meager tribute to this demigoddess, who should assume her place beside mighty Taurus in the heavens." After viewing the animal, Hodelnutt and the other judges cast their rating books and badges into a vat of boiling funnel cakes and cut out their own eyes lest they be fouled by the sight of less graceful beasts. 
They Called Me Crazy When I Switched Shampoos, But Who's Crazy Now? #~# Pity those poor mortals milling about at the drugstore. I once numbered among them, braying and milling like sheep in limp-haired herds. Like them, I was satisfied to follow the same old morning routine, blindly accepting the shampoos of our forefathers, and their forefathers before them. But armed with only a dream and the coupon I discovered in the Sunday newspaper insert, I dared to switch brands. They thought me mad. They thought me crazy. But look at me! Look at my rich, easy-to-manage hair and tell me, who's crazy now? 
Calcutta Fire Marshal: Many Indian Homes Lack Bride Extinguisher #~# CALCUTTA, INDIA—Failure to own or use a bride extinguisher results in millions of rupees of property damage in India annually, Calcutta fire marshal Prasad Chandra said in a press conference Monday. "This tragedy occurs far too often when well-meaning husbands, attempting to collect on a dowry, ignite their brides indoors. The damage is often compounded when a burning bride attempts to escape and spreads the flames to other homes," Chandra said. "If you absolutely must burn your bride, avoid additional destruction with an affordable bride extinguisher. And, if possible, confine the burning to your backyard bride pit." He also recommended that homeowners install and periodically test marital smoke detectors.
Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory #~# KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling. 
U.S. Intelligence: Nukehavistan May Have Nuclear Weapons #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A report released Monday by the Defense Intelligence Agency suggests that there is reason to believe that the former Soviet republic of Nukehavistan may be manufacturing nuclear weapons. 
What Has Our Society Come To When March Of The Penguins Is The Blockbuster Hit Of The Summer? #~# I've been a major Hollywood director for a long time, and I thought I'd seen it all. But I can't help wondering what's happening to the entertainment industry—indeed, to our entire society. Where are our standards? Our values? For fuck's sake—our cultural priorities? I simply cannot accept that March Of The Penguins is the big summer hit everybody's talking about. Hello? 
New Pepsi Negative-220 Burns Twice The Calories It Contains #~# PURCHASE, NY—Joining a field already crowded with such non-caloric beverages as Coke Steam and Hollo Yello,  PepsiCo announced the creation Monday of Pepsi Negative-220, a diet cola that burns twice the calories it contains. "You'll love PN-220 for the super-slimming rush of thyrotropin, PC1 enzymes, and that zesty hint of lemony leptin that zaps away fat, muscle tissue, and some nerve sheathing," PepsiCo spokesperson Ned Caen said. "But you'll drink it for that refreshing cola taste." Despite an FDA label warning of potential cardiac arrhythmia, renal shutdown, intestinal necrosis, and spontaneous erosion of the meninges, plans are underway to debut Pepsi Negative-220 in early October. "For radical and uncompromising weight loss, it's the cola," Caen said.
Biofuels #~# With oil prices reaching an all-time high, scientists are looking for alternative fuel sources. What are they currently researching?
Angelina Jolie Coming For Your Baby #~# MALIBU, CA—Angelina Jolie has filed for adoption of your newborn baby, sources close to the actress reported Tuesday. “Angelina loves your baby, and you should be honored that she has chosen it,” said publicist Jacqueline Silver, citing the growing collection of babies Jolie has culled from families worldwide. “Color, creed, whether your child is wanted—none of it matters. Angelina has fallen in love, and through legal means or force, your baby will soon be hers.” Immediately after acquiring your child,  Jolie will dress it in Betsey Johnson infant wear, give it a faux-hawk, name it after a random passage from the The Tibetan Book Of The Dead, then resume her relentless search for babies.
Iraqi Cop Moonlighting As Terrorist Just To Make Ends Meet #~# BAGHDAD—When the hot evening sun sets over Baghdad, Sulieman Hassim does not go home to his wife and family. For this Iraqi, the work day has only just begun.
Jackson Jurors #~# Two jurors in the Michael Jackson molestation trial said they regret acquitting Jackson, and both now have pending book deals. What do you think?
CAFTA Provisions #~# President Bush recently signed the Central American Free Trade Agreement. What are some of the provisions?
Al-Qaeda Sitcom Filmed Before Live Studio Hostages #~# AL BHURBAN'Q, AFGHANISTAN—Filming of the second season of al-Qaeda's surprise hit situation comedy Ba'athtime For Abdul will take place before live studio hostages. "We shall not rest until the vassals of the Great Satan know what it is to live, love, and learn as a member of al-Qaeda," said a spokesman for the show, who assured fans that the laugh- and scream-tracks would not be sweetened in post-production. The videotaped statement, like the episodes of the show itself, was delivered to Al-Jazeera's Afghanistan headquarters in a plain box containing the tape and three severed heads of studio hostages.
Podcast A Cry For Help #~# BOZEMAN, MT—The few people close to Mitch Delomme say that he doesn't realize the implications of his new podcast, an agonizingly personal 40-minute digitally recorded capsule of news, information, and trivia about the chronically lonely pizza-delivery man. "I wanted to share something about myself," said Delomme, 48, who in the course of his life has been heavily involved in ham and CB radio, personal home-page construction, and participation in late-night community-access cable. Delomme's podcast is currently available on all major subscription links, where it has attracted no attention.
Joe Wilson Getting Bored With No-Longer-Covert Wife #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Former ambassador Joe Wilson reports that he is "becoming disenchanted" with CIA agent Valerie Plame, since her identity was divulged to reporters in 2002. "I still love her, I suppose," Wilson said. "But I used to be the only one who knew her secret." Contributing to his sense of dissatisfaction, Wilson said, is Plame's newfound interest in public displays of affection, her habit of calling him from work, and her fear of violent reprisals from undercover Middle Eastern assassins.
Entertainment-History Buffs Re-Enact Battle Of The Network Stars #~# SAN BERNADINO, CA—Entertainment historians from across the country gathered Sunday on a field near Hollywood to recreate the original 1976 Battle of the Network Stars. "We dedicate our re-enactment to the brave souls who fought it," said Network TV Historical Society co-founder and insurance-claims adjuster Drew Kamen, who played the part of CBS team wiseacre Jimmie Walker in this weekend's event. "Let us never forget the pivotal foot race between CBS's Robert Conrad and ABC's Gabe Kaplan." Kamen, like the other re-enactors, wore exact replicas of the striped tube socks and nylon running shorts used in the original battle.
'Humor In Uniform' Submissions At All-Time Low #~# PLEASANTVILLE, NY—Reader's Digest editors reported Monday that submissions to their "Humor In Uniform" feature have fallen off sharply since 2001. "The submissions that are trickling in are just not making me laugh," said Jackie Leo, an editor at the magazine. "I'm looking for amusing send-ups of peeling potatoes on KP duty, not another vignette about a soldier waking up screaming because he accidentally shot a pregnant Iraqi woman." Leo said she almost published one soldier's story about being financially devastated by shrinking veteran benefits "just to help him out with the $300 publication fee, but it just wasn't funny enough."
Police Search Of Backpack Yields Explosive Bestseller #~# NEW YORK—Officers from the New York City Police Department evacuated the Union Square subway station and suspended all train service Monday after a random search of a passenger's backpack revealed an explosive bestseller.  
Bush Vows To Eliminate U.S. Dependence On Oil By 4920 #~# WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush unveiled an aggressive initiative Monday that would make the U.S. free of petroleum dependence by the year 4920, less than three millennia from now. 
Vehement Anti-Cell-Phone Guy Finally Caves #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—After calling the device "the item single-handedly responsible for the erosion of our nation's social and cultural foundation" for close to a decade, Jason Whiting gave in to social pressures this weekend and bought a cell phone. 
Dog Cloning #~# Last week, the South Koreans became the first to clone a dog, reigniting a longstanding ethical debate. What do you think?
Why Somebody Always Around Every Time I Drop My Baby? #~# If people wanna think I'm, like, abusive or whatever, that's their problem. 'Cause I know I'm a good mom, and that's all that matters. But damn, yo, I better not have Social Services on my ass just 'cause I dropped Liondrae at Dollar City today. After it happened, some stock guy and some uptight-looking bitch were looking at me and I was like, "What the fuck are you looking at?" You could tell they were the judging type, and I don't want no cops at my door just 'cause some people think they better than me.  
Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway' #~# KENOSHA, WI—Sources report that longtime married couple Duane and Edna Schumacher's weekend stay at Chicago's FantasyLand Suites was a grueling ordeal of unwelcome interruptions to their long-established marital routine.
August 10, 1969 #~# Sharon Tate, Four Others Slain In Grisly ‘Partridge Family’ Murders
If Only I Could Find A Lizard Offering A Low Car-Insurance Rate #~# I'm an experienced car owner. As such, I have what I consider an above-average knowledge of what constitutes a competitive rate for automotive insurance. The policy I have now is fair, but I could probably do better if I shopped around. Trouble is, I don't have time to page through the phone book or search for information online all day—I'm a busy professional. That's why I'm currently looking for a lizard who will explain the various policies to me and help me figure out which company has the best deal. 
White House Denies Existence Of Karl Rove #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The White House denied rumors of wrongdoing by anyone named Karl Rove Monday, saying the alleged deputy chief of staff does not exist.
First-Time Novelist Constantly Asking Wife What It's Like To Be A Woman #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Claims adjuster and novice author John Kitner is “constantly” asking what it’s like to be a woman, reports his wife Becky.
August 1, 1956 #~# Supreme Court Rules U.S. Fathers Should Not Be Disturbed During Dinner Hour
Suicide Bomber Killed En Route By Car Bomb #~# BAGHDAD—Terrorist cells in Baghdad are in mourning for suicide bomber Ahmed al-Khalaf, 19, who was killed by a car bomb Monday, 200 yards from an Iraqi police station, his intended target.
AFL-CIO Split #~# Last week, both the Teamsters and the SEIU bolted from the AFL-CIO, a bad sign for American organized labor. What do you think?
Report: Our High Schools May Not Adequately Prepare Dropouts For Unemployment #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A Department of Labor report released Monday finds that America's high schools are not sufficiently preparing emerging dropouts for the demands of unemployment.
Our Global Food-Service Enterprise Is Totally Down For Your Awesome Subculture #~# What's hanging, teenage homies? I'm Ralph Lucci—Radical Ralph—coming to rap at you on your terms and on your turf about the things you care about most. Stuff like baggy pants, snacks, and hard-rocking carbonated beverages. As you keep livin' your vidas loca, I want you to know that the multinational PepsiCo conglomeration, which includes dozens of dope fast-food chains, beverage brands, and packaged non-perishable snacks—and for which I'm a proud representative—is totally down with your way-out-there niche community.
Agent 44 Always Gets To Choose The Rendezvous Point #~# I don't want to be a baby, but last week, we were en route to a site—can't go into detail, but it was strictly an information-gathering, no-casualty operation in a continent that begins with "A." I'm a firm believer in preparation, so I pulled out the dossier, broke the seal, and went over the plan: 37 and 8 dismantle the security system, 14 and 81 enter through the north wall and incapacitate the guards, 52 and 54 sweep the grounds for the weapons cache, and I stand guard while 44 photographs the documents. Once the mission is complete, we meet in the parking garage. I was memorizing the building plans when it hit me—parking garage? Agent 44 always has us meet in a parking garage. Why can't we meet somewhere else for once? And why does Agent 44 always get to pick the rendezvous point?!
Missing Boy Scout Earns Publicity Badge #~# KAMAS, UT—Boy Scout Brennan Hawkins, 11, who received national media coverage after he wandered off during his troop's June camping trip in the Utah mountains, was awarded a merit badge for publicity Monday. "Brennan was successfully mentioned on every major network during all news cycles, and succeeded in increasing public perception of both himself and the Boy Scouts," said Scout leader Troy Feyton. "I am proud to award him this rare merit badge, and pray he returns to us safe and sound once he has completed the talk-show circuit." Feyton confirmed that Boy Scout officials have revoked Hawkins' navigation, orienteering, and wilderness-survival merit badges.
Frances Bean Cobain Enters Prehab #~# LOS ANGELES—Frances Bean Cobain, the 12-year-old daughter of serial substance abuser Courtney Love and deceased rock legend Kurt Cobain, entered the River Phoenix Elementary Prehabilitation Clinic Monday. "Although Frances Bean does not have a substance-abuse problem yet," publicist Cindy Guagenti said,  "we thought it prudent to enroll her in an introductory six-step 'pretox' program."  The $7,500-a-week facility has previously prepared celebrity children such as Maddox Jolie and Lourdes Ciccone.
Maximum Age For Strollers Raised To 8 #~# PARK SLOPE, BROOKLYN—Due to "increased self-indulgence among both children and parents," the Contemporary American Parenting Council announced Monday that it has raised the maximum age for stroller use among U.S. children to 8. "After we increased it to 7 in 2003, we still found far too many parents inconvenienced by their children's curiosity, mobility, and intellectual growth," said the CAPC's Beverly Kapatis. "Now, parents can enjoy avoiding their kids, and kids can enjoy blissful uninvolvement well into their pre-teen years." In a related report, the CAPC also recommended that the cutoff age for breastfeeding be raised to 6.
Bush Acquired By Martian Zoo #~# OLYMPUS MONS—President Bush, who in 2004 announced his desire for a manned mission to Mars, was acquired by a prominent Martian zoo Monday. "The President Bush shall have every comfort of home," said an unknowable Martian intelligence whose name is unfathomable to the human mind. "He shall have his Oval Office, his baseball, and simulated humans from his natural habitat, and we shall watch him most closely, for he is adorable sitting at his desk." Zookeepers on the Red Planet hope Bush will mate with the other Earth mammal in the facility, a northern white rhino.
Red Cross Accused Of Wartime Non-Profiteering #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Senate Armed Services Committee issued a rebuke of the International Red Cross Monday, accusing the organization of wartime non-profiteering. "The Red Cross is exploiting the current conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan to extend its money-losing influence over international medical aid and emergency relief," said Chairman John Warner (R-VA). "Whatever their stated mission, the Red Cross exists only to fatten its blood banks and care packages." The accusations come only weeks after Iraqi officials accused the International Red Crescent, the IRC's Muslim branch, of masterminding multiple acts of humaniterrorism.
Gay Clergyman #~# The Vatican has announced that it will prevent homosexuals from entering the priesthood. What do you think?
Lance Armstrong's Endurance Tested By Sheryl Crow Concert #~# DALLAS—Seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong found his endurance stretched "almost to the breaking point" last Friday by a three-hour, 30-song concert presented by his fiancée, pop-folk singer Sheryl Crow. "It was a pretty tough slog," Armstrong told reporters after the event, which he was obligated to attend as part of his new role as Crow's future husband. "I was really straining around ‘The First Cut Is The Deepest'—I don't mind telling you, I just couldn't catch my breath. When we reached 'All I Wanna Do (Is Have Some Fun),' I felt like I'd been through that territory about a million times, and I seriously considered just giving up and collapsing for the first time in my career." Armstrong, who is revered by millions for fighting through cancer, antagonism from abusive fans, and steroid-abuse allegations, would not comment on whether this latest obstacle would prove too much for him to overcome.
Dying Boy Brought In To Cheer Up Kansas City Royals #~# KANSAS CITY—Desperate to give their last-place, 100-loss team something to smile about, the Royals arranged to have a terminally ill little boy pay a visit to their clubhouse Tuesday. Danny Gladstone, 8, a leukemia sufferer who is expected to live just long enough to see the Royals make a run at setting a franchise record for losses, arrived at Kauffman Stadium at 11 a.m., and was immediately swarmed by players excited to see someone else who wouldn't be around in October. "I can't even explain how uplifting it is to see somebody who soon won't have to put up with the pain and misery anymore," Royals first baseman and team captain Mike Sweeney said. "Even though we have to endure the same terrible fate again come April, Danny, unlike the Royals organization, will be in a far better place." Sweeney concluded the meeting by promising the boy he would ground into a double play for him during that night's game.
ESPN Courts Female Viewers With 'World's Emotionally Strongest Man Competition' #~# BRISTOL, CT—Sports broadcasting giant ESPN, whose programming has long been a staple among male television viewers of all ages, made its first foray into women's sports programming with the introduction of the World's Emotionally Strongest Man Competition Monday.
Tom DeLay Steps Down #~# Rep. Tom DeLay (R-TX) was recently indicted on charges of conspiracy in a campaign-financing scheme, and forced to temporarily step down as House majority leader. What do you think? 
Women Have To Stop Starving Themselves Past The Point Of Hotness #~# Avoiding eating in order to improve your appearance is part of being a woman, and it's natural for a woman to devote all of her time to achieving a figure pleasing to the male eye. While there are many ways to get hot, one of the simplest, fastest, and most effective is through self-starvation. However, anorexia, like all things, is best used in moderation. For example, you should never get so thin that you lose your tits. 
There's No Problem I Can Handle #~# My life has been a series of problems, and I've handled each one the same way.
Delta Blues Poised For Biggest Revival Since 1915 #~# NEW ORLEANS—Blues historians report that Delta blues, an early blues form that arose in the Mississippi Delta region, is poised for its biggest revival since 1915. "Death, loss, heartbreak, isolation, hard luck—that's what the blues have been missing for decades," said music critic Joel Kushner. "But now, even the most sheltered, derivative Delta blues musician should have enough material to cut an album." The revival is heralded by the recent singles "FEMA Don't Come 'Round No More,"  "Category Five Woman Done Me Six Kinds Of Wrong," and "Talkin' Drownded Kin Blues."
Nobody In Ukraine Notices Absence Of Government #~# KIEV, UKRAINE—The firing of Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko and the dismissal of most of the federal government continued to go unremarked by Ukraine's 14 million citizens Monday. "Roads are crumbling, the Russian Mafia sets food prices, our currency grows more worthless by the hour, and still the government does nothing," said Brzyny Ilandrovitch, editor of the U.F. Monitor. "Every year, it's the same thing with this group of fat crooks." Upon hearing of the government overthrow, Ilandrovitch said he was reminded of 1991's democratic elections, when the lawless chaos that followed the country's independence from the Soviet Union left many doubting that a central government had been democratically elected.
Congress Abandons WikiConstitution #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Congress scrapped the open-source, open-edit, online version of the Constitution Monday, only two months  after it went live. "The idea seemed to dovetail perfectly with our tradition of democratic participation," Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid said. "But when so-called 'contributors' began loading it down with profanity, pornography, ASCII art, and mandatory-assault-rifle-ownership amendments, we thought it might be best to cancel the project." Congress intends to restore the Constitution to its pre-Wiki format as soon as an unadulterated copy of the document can be found.
Bush's Approval Rating Of Other Americans Also At All-Time Low #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Shortly after President Bush's job-approval rating dipped to 40 percent, the lowest of his presidency, a poll indicated that Bush's approval rating for American citizens is also at an all-time low. "At 30 percent, President Bush's satisfaction with 'likely voters' is the lowest it's ever been," said Rachel Markham of TNS Intersearch. While Bush finds that 40 percent of Americans are "on the right track," he said he believes only 30 percent will do a good job supporting him in the event of another disaster or terrorist attack.
New PSA Reduces Accidental Staplings By 33 Percent #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of a campaign launched by the Occupational Safety And Health Administration this spring, accidental stapling incidents among U.S. office workers have fallen by one-third. "We're pleased that 'Stop, Look, and Swingline!' has done so much to promote public awareness of office-stapler safety," said OSHA head Jonathan Snare. "Our primary areas of concern are the fingertips and the delicate thumb-forefinger webbing." OSHA was inspired to make the film after a 2002 PSA was credited with reducing the number of manila-file-foldering fatalities by 20 percent.
FEMA Disaster Survival Tips #~# Recent events have underscored the importance of being properly prepared to deal with the effects of natural disasters. With that in mind, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has prepared the following guidelines.
Report: Some Sort Of Primary Just Happened #~# OLYMPIA, WA—A primary election of some sort is believed to have occurred in the past week or two in cities and counties across the nation, according to a report published by a citizens advocacy group. 
Two Publicists, Stylist, Personal Assistant Injured As Nicole Kidman Turns On Handlers #~# LOS ANGELES—An attack by Oscar-winner Nicole Kidman Monday left four handlers injured and two in intensive care, where they are listed in serious but stable condition. 
Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut The Fuck Up #~# HANOVER, NH—According to students enrolled in professor Michael Rosenthal's Philosophy 101 course at Dartmouth College, that guy, Darrin Floen, the one who sits at the back of the class and acts like he's Aristotle, seriously needs to shut the fuck up.
U.S. Launches AIDS-Awareness Campaign In Botswana: 'You All Have AIDS,' Says U.S. #~# FRANCISTOWN, BOTSWANA—Officials and volunteers from the U.S.-based AIDS Awareness Organization began an aggressive campaign Monday to inform the citizens of Botswana that they are afflicted with AIDS, and explain how the sexually transmitted disease will eventually kill them.
Cigarette Moderation Still Kills #~# A new study shows that smoking as little as one cigarette a day can still triple heart-disease risks. What do you think?
Kate Moss In Trouble #~# Kate Moss lost her contracts from H&M;, Burberry, and Chanel last week when a London tabloid published photos of the supermodel doing cocaine. What do you think?
Face Transplants #~# The Cleveland Clinic has begun interviewing candidates for the world's first face transplant. What do you think?
American Teens, French Sex #~# According to several recent studies, as many as two-thirds of American teens claim to have regular oral sex. What do you think?
Rising Luxury-Goods Sales #~# Sales of luxury goods are booming despite a period of near-stagnation in the American economy. What do you think?
Terrell Owens Pre-Emptively Disparages Next Contract #~# PHILADELPHIA—Eagles wideout Terrell Owens, who recently returned to his team after a training-camp holdout on the second year of his seven-year, $49 million contract, took time Monday to verbally blast the amount, duration, and bonuses of whatever contract he signs next.
Tiger Woods Signs $15 Million Deal To Endorse Alex Rodriguez #~# NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez, the business-savvy, image-conscious Yankees third-baseman, formally announced Sunday that he has signed golf superstar Tiger Woods to a three-year, $15 million endorsement deal, ensuring that Rodriguez will have Woods' considerable marketing power behind him for the foreseeable future.
Joe Namath Guarantees He'll Lose Battle With Alcoholism #~# NEW YORK—Swaggering Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Namath, famous for his flamboyant lifestyle and his historic promise of victory in Super Bowl III, guaranteed Monday that he would not be victorious in his current battle with alcoholism. "The bottle's gonna win this one—I guarantee it," said Namath to a crowd of cheering New York faithful in an impromptu statement at Manhattan's Jockey Club. "I swear this to my fans and the great city of New York—Joe Namath's going to continue the kind of tipsy, drunken lifestyle you guys have come to know and love." Namath went on to make other guarantees during the night, but none of them were intelligible as of press time.
Former Viagra Spokesman Suspended For Using Performance-Enhancing Substances #~# BALTIMORE—All-Star first baseman and sexual-dysfunction-drug pitchman Rafael Palmeiro was suspended for using performance-enhancing substances just weeks after entering the 3,000-hit club and months after appearing on Viagra commercials. "Tests of Palmeiro's blood samples taken during this season have revealed the presence of the muscle-growth-enhancing substance stanozolol," said Commissioner Bud Selig in a statement that many say casts a shadow over Palmeiro's history of solid play and endorsement of the erection-growth-enhancing drug sildenafil citrate. Spokesmen for Palmeiro, who could not be reached for comment, say that he wishes to put the performance-enhancing-drug controversy behind him as soon as possible so that he can return to what he does best, namely baseball and lucrative performance-enhancing-drug endorsement.
Your Grandpa Insists Someone You've Never Heard Of Should Be In Hall Of Fame #~# SCRANTON, PA—Your grandfather, a retired tradesman in his 80s, continues to demand that a scrappy, tenacious bulldog of a player whom no one else has ever heard of should be admitted to one of the Halls of Fame. "He'd be out there at center every game, giving it his all, playing tough, and never giving up on the play, right up until he went off to the war," your grandpa said, narrowing the unknown player's career down to 40 possible years and four possible sports. "That was before they had these new rules against tough play, too. He was all about fundamentals, playing hard every single minute, and putting in a hard day's work, either in the game or in the owner's factory during the off-season—something these spoiled millionaires today sure wouldn't understand." The only thing you are certain of concerning the player, whose name seems vaguely Italian or Polish on the occasions your grandpa mumbles it, is that he was white.
As Long As You're Under My Roof, You'll Play By My Monopoly Rules #~# Son, enough of these complaints, all right? You're old enough to know by now that I'm in charge of this family, and anytime someone lands on a Chance space, they pay me $150. When you're 18, you can move out and call the shots, but as long as you're living under my roof and participating in my family board-game night, you'll play by my Monopoly rules.
I'm Not Surprised Hitler Was A Taurus #~# While going through some old copies of Star Signs for my upcoming garage sale, I came across something pretty wild. Did you know that Carmen Electra and Joey Lawrence were born on the same day as Adolf Hitler? Isn't that insane? I had Carmen and Joey totally pegged as Leos. You know, artistic, spontaneous, generous…  As for Hitler, though, no surprise that guy's a Taurus.
Mötley Crüe Signs Sexual-Harassment Guarantee #~# LOS ANGELES—Mötley Crüe accomplished a music-industry first Tuesday, when band members signed an iron-clad sexual-harassment guarantee for their 2005 "Red, White, And Crüe" tour. "What a fucking awesome crowning achievement for these veteran rockers," manager Allen Kovac said. "Mötley Crüe is now contractually obligated to fondle, pinch, and comment lewdly on everyone they encounter during their six-month, 12-nation gig. Even at their height, KISS's managers could only get the band to sign a guarantee extending to female groupies." The agreement stipulates that opportunities for damage to property shall not be reasonably withheld.
Publicist Schmoozes Wife Into Sex #~# NEW YORK—Morty Jamison, 44, a successful publicist with Jamison, Laird & Connaught, successfully schmoozed his wife Lily into sex last night. "I gotta call in a favor—the project's right up your alley," Jamison said. "Let's get dinner and talk it over—how's tonight? I'll have my assistant shoot you an e-mail." Although not visibly impressed, Lily reportedly signed on for a quickie feature above the fold.
Reporters Comb New Orleans For Heartwarming Story #~# NEW ORLEANS—Journalists and TV-news crews continued to comb the wreckage of New Orleans for a heartwarming story last week. "We thought we found a cute lost puppy on a rooftop, but when I tried to retrieve him, he chewed me up pretty good," CNN reporter Gary Tuchman said. "At least we did better than those guys from WGN—they thought they'd reunited an elderly married couple, but they just happened to have similar last names, and the guy raped the old lady to death in the Superdome basement." Many reporters have abandoned the heartwarming angle, instead concentrating on looting houses in the exclusive Port Charles neighborhood.
Fox Cancels Apatow's 40-Year-Old Virgin #~# LOS ANGELES—Executives at Fox TV canceled Judd Apatow's box-office hit The 40-Year-Old Virgin Monday. "We love Judd's work, but aging virgins aren't a demographic we're looking to target," Fox Entertainment President Peter Liguori said. "Maybe it will be a cult hit on DVD." Virgin joins Undeclared, Freaks And Geeks, The Ben Stiller Show, and several unaired TV pilots on the list of critically acclaimed but canceled Apatow projects. Fox TV executives said the cancellation will allow them to focus their efforts on Stacked, starring Pamela Anderson.
Scalia Goes On Abortion Bender After Being Passed Over For Chief Justice #~# NORFOLK, VA—Saying "Fuck this shit, I'm stopping beating hearts with my bare hands," Justice Antonin Scalia, overlooked for the vacated position of Supreme Court chief justice, went on a spiteful abortion-performing bender over the weekend. "If I'm not going to be permitted a lasting judicial legacy, to hell with law and order," said Scalia, the conservative Reagan appointee who has served on the court since 1986. "I worked my ass off for 20 years, and no one cares. So, who gives a shit? Safe, legal abortions for all. Who wants one?" Scalia added that 2000 presidential candidate Al Gore "totally won that election, any idiot knows that."
Bush Braces As Cindy Sheehan's Other Son Drowns In New Orleans #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to White House sources, President Bush is bracing for intensified criticism following Monday's report that the body of Tyler Sheehan, son of outspoken anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan, was recovered from the receding floodwaters in New Orleans.
Bill Introduced As Joke Signed Into Law #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A bill introduced by Sen. George Allen (R-VA) as "just a goof" several weeks ago was signed into law by President Bush Tuesday.
Oprah Stuns Audience With Free Man Giveaway #~# CHICAGO—The season premiere of The Oprah Winfrey Show unleashed a surprise for viewers Monday, when host Winfrey presented her studio audience with an unexpected gift: eligible men. 
'Hanging Out' Continues To Grow In Popularity Among Teens #~# WORCESTER, MA—Parents and child advocates across the nation are voicing concerns about the dramatic increase in "hanging out" among American adolescents.
NASCAR Drivers May Strike For Even More Down-Home, Aw-Shucks Attitudes #~# DAYTONA BEACH, FL—In a reaction to what many close to NASCAR see as an "insufficiently cornpone" and "only mildly folksy" corporate culture, drivers are discussing a possible strike during the 2006 Nextel Cup series. "What we got developing here is shifting a little too close to an actual stuck-up city-folk racing series, with major sponsors from above the [Mason-Dixon] Line and rich team owners who made their money somewheres [sic] else than headache powders or oil treatments," said Herschel "Huckleberry" Rosenberg, a lawyer representing drivers' interests. "What we have is pretty good for now, but sometimes ‘good' just isn't good-ol'-boy enough." Other driver grievances, which insiders say may stall the start of the season, include NASCAR's recent emphasis on safety and crash prevention, and a "dangerous" level of acknowledgment of the lack of minority involvement in the sport.
Airline Bankruptcy #~# With Northwest and Delta airlines filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, more than half of U.S flights will be made by bankrupt carriers.  What do you think?
Hockey Returns #~# After a yearlong players' strike, professional hockey returned to the ice last weekend as the NHL presented the first exhibition games of the 2005-2006 season. What do you think?
Katrina Reporters "Lost It" #~# American viewers witnessed reporters becoming unusually emotional on camera while reporting on Hurricane Katrina, raising questions about appropriate journalistic behavior. What do you think?
iPod Nano #~# Apple recently introduced yet another new iPod, a wafer-thin, flash-based unit that marks the fifth product generation for the popular player. What do you think?
Ford Recall #~# Ford Motor Company recalled 3.8 million pickup trucks and SUVs due to an electrical-system safety issue. What do you think?
September 12, 1972 #~# Puke Orange, Pea Green, Mustard Yellow Adopted as New National Colors
Ask A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy #~# I'm single mother of two in my mid-30s. I'm busy working and raising two teenagers, but I still make time for what I consider very important: family activities. Lately, however, my son and daughter seem to prefer going off by themselves to spending time together. Worse, when I insist on quality time, they resent it… and me. How do I cope with this "generation gap"? I thought you'd understand, because you are jowl-deep in Phyllis Diller's pussy.
Oh Yes... I Am Still Very Much Alive! #~# Ha! I see by the look of terror in your pathetic Earthling eyes that you did not expect to see me standing here when the sliding doors to the Rocket-Sled-Escape-Pod hangar bay whooshed open. You thought you had defeated me forever when my Imperial Fortress on the ice planet Freezion was destroyed. Fool! Did you really think the great Gorzo The Mighty, Emperor Of The Universe, Overlord Of The Seven Suns Of Solaria, the greatest tyrant the galaxy has ever known, could have met with such an easy demise? 
Older Brother To Attempt Unmanned Bike Mission Into Ravine #~# VERONA, WI—Robbie Bovy, 13, announced his intentions Monday to launch his brother's Schwinn BMXpert into a ravine near the East View Heights subdivision. "For the first stage, your bike will be powered by me," the older Bovy said at a backyard press conference while seated on his brother's chest. "Then, just before I hit the ramp, I'm gonna jump off and watch it totally endo into the rocks. Got it? Got it?" Bovy's intra-ravine mission is part of an ongoing exploration program that began in 2002, with the deployment of seven of his brother's plastic army men down the toilet.
Souter Hopes Roberts Is Into Birds #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Anticipating the confirmation of federal appeals court Judge John Roberts to the Supreme Court, Justice David Souter expressed hope Tuesday that his new colleague will be into birds. "For 15 years, I have found no one on the court who would so much as look at my sighting books or field guides," Souter said. "Perhaps one day after adjournment, [Roberts] and I could go to Kenilworth Park and look for red-necked stints." Souter added that it would also be nice if Roberts shared his feelings on abortion, states' rights, and the Cebu flowerpecker.
Microwave-Resistant Potato Alarms Scientists #~# BOISE, ID—Tuber researchers from the Western Root Vegetable Institute reported Monday that they have discovered a strain of microwave-resistant potatoes. "Natural and commercial selection has resulted in strains of potatoes that just won't nuke up," said Dr. Bernard Anderson, standing in front of a Radarange in which a test potato had been rotating unaltered for 90 minutes. "If this mutation proliferates, it could have disastrous implications for the nation's impatient." The new strain is the most significant potato mutation since the emergence of the "inedible" frying potato, which is still in use at most fast-food chains.
Halliburton Gets Contract To Pry Gold Fillings From New Orleans Corpses' Teeth #~# HOUSTON—On Tuesday, Halliburton  received a $110 million no-bid government contract to pry the gold fillings from the mouths of deceased disaster victims in the New Orleans-Gulf Coast area. "We are proud to serve the government in this time of crisis by recovering valuable resources from the wreckage of this deadly storm," said David J. Lesar, Halliburton's president. "The gold we recover from the human rubble of Katrina can be used to make fighter-jet electronics, supercomputer chips, inflation-proof A-grade investments, and luxury yachting watches."
Bashful Terrorists Won't Take Credit For Attack #~# SANA'A, YEMEN—In a videotaped statement that aired on Al Jazeera Monday, al-Aziz, the terrorist group responsible for the bombing of a U.S. Navy refueling depot, was reluctant to take credit for the attack. "While we condemn America the Great Satan and wish them death and shame, I am afraid we cannot take credit for… Aw, who told you?" Hassan al-Fayed said.  "This is about bringing death to the American Crusaders, not about us. Many martyrs worked to make this happen, and they deserve the real credit." Al-Fayed did not issue any further threats, saying he did not want to call attention to a few little truck bombings.
Search For Self Called Off After 38 Years #~# CHICAGO—The longtime search for self conducted by area man Andrew Speth was called off this week, the 38-year-old said Monday.
Elf Finger Found In Box Of Keebler Cookies #~# PINE MEADOW, CA—Pine Meadow resident Ed Swaney made a gruesome discovery Sunday, when he opened a package of E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and found a tiny, golden-fingernailed appendage believed to be an elfin index finger.
Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference Monday, President Bush named a 72-day-old gestating fetus as his nominee to fill the Supreme Court seat that opened following the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist.
Report: More Kids Being Home-Churched #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—A new trend in the religious upbringing of children has recently emerged in the heart of the Bible Belt. "Home-churching," the individual, family-based worship of Jesus Christ, is steadily gaining in popularity, as more parents seek an alternative to what they consider the overly humanist content of organized worship.
New Orleans Pets #~# According to reports, many people in New Orleans are reluctant to evacuate because they don't want to leave their pets. What do you think? 
California's Gay-Marriage Bill #~# Last week, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said he will veto the gay-marriage bill passed by California’s state legislature. What do you think?
Strategic Oil Reserves #~# In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, President Bush is tapping the strategic oil reserve to help petroleum refiners. What do you think?
CBGB's Lease Expires #~# The landlord of the CBGB's building announced that he will not renew the lease of the legendary New York club. What do you think?
Chimp Genome Mapped #~# Scientists have mapped the complete chimp genome and are comparing it to the human genome to see what sets the two species apart. What do you think?
New York Philharmonic Hosts Open-Mic Night #~# NEW YORK—The New York Philharmonic Orchestra announced Monday that it will continue its popular open-mic nights throughout the 2005 fall season, encouraging everyone to "bring nothing but your instrument, 10 bucks, and whatever talent God gave you." According to director Lorin Maazel, "There are a lot of people out there with a cello or an oboe but no one to play with. Come on stage—we know over 500 symphonies! But please, no stand-up." Highlights of last year's open-mic nights included Mr. Maazel conducting data-entry technician Stacy Peterson and auxiliary-equipment operator Dan Fowles in a performance of Brahms' Double Concerto in A minor.
Bush Tearfully Addresses Nation After Watching Field Of Dreams #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Moments after watching a TNT afternoon showing of the 1989 sports tearjerker Field Of Dreams Sunday, a visibly moved President Bush interrupted national television broadcasts to address the nation. "My fellow Americans, I am telling you, we all must see this movie together," said a moist-eyed Bush, whose voice broke several times during the address. "I don't usually cry during movies, but… well, when I bought the Texas Rangers, I had hoped baseball could bring me and my dad together, but he was always too busy being president, and he's getting up there now, and… America just really needs to see this movie, is all." Two-thirds of Americans polled said they would not watch the film with the president, complaining that Bush tries to recite every line along with the movie, and always says, "Wasn't that great?" after his favorite parts.
Clairvoyant Vince Vaughn Accepts Movie Role Before It's Offered #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Vince Vaughn telephoned his agent Norman Falbaum Monday, saying only, "Tell Owen yes." According to Falbaum, the phone rang again five minutes later, and Vaughn was offered a part co-starring with Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers 2: Crashing Manhattan. "I don't know how Vince does it," Falbaum said. "Completely out of the blue, he says, 'I'll take it!' And then the phone rings—Anchorman. Or it's, 'Norm? Vince. I love the script,' and I'm like, 'What script?' Five minutes later, Starsky & Hutch crosses my desk." Falbaum added that Vaughn's supernatural abilities have failed him only once, when he accepted the lead role in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, failing to foresee that it would not be offered.
Little League World Series Marred By Cutest Little Allegations Of Steroid Abuse #~# WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Three players in the Little League World Series, two from West-region teams and one from the Southwest, tested positive for “cute little child-sized doses of performance-enhancing drugs” in the “most adorable little scandal” ever to rock youth baseball, Little League Baseball officials announced Monday. “Although the little scamps approached us and accepted full responsibility in the matter, I didn’t know whether to hug the poor misguided kids or wring their beefy, pumped-up little necks.” The scandal is considered the worst in Little League history, eclipsing even the Junior Black Sox of 1919, who intentionally lost their last game in exchange for $250 worth of ice cream.
The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is The Chupacabra #~# Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to serve as president of the great nation of Mexico. For nearly 200 years, our people have withstood the onslaughts of man and nature. We have withstood attack from without and attack from within. We have withstood the wars of faith, and the creeping despair of faith's absence. We have faced famine, pestilence, and poverty, and time and time again, we have succeeded, for running in our blood is the hearty stock of our Mayan and Aztec ancestors. My fellow Mexicanos, we can stand certain in the belief that we shall prevail over the trials of today. Except insofar as the Chupacabra is concerned.
I'm A Cloud Factory! #~# Puff … puff … puff …
Cheney Dropped By White House HMO #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Citing Dick Cheney's pre-existing health conditions and his refusal to meet regularly with his primary care physician, the White House's health-insurance provider terminated the vice president's coverage  Monday.
God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again #~# Louisiana National Guard Offers Help By Phone From Iraq
Food Critic Tears Radish Canapés With Salmon Mousse A New Asshole #~# MANCHESTER, NH—An appetizer of radish canapés with salmon mousse served at local French restaurant La Maison de Vin was torn a new asshole this week, according to Concord Monitor food critic Bernard Haberle, who reviewed the establishment in his  "Good Eating" column.
CEO Barbie Criticized For Promoting Unrealistic Career Images #~# EL SEGUNDO, CA—Toy company Mattel is under fire from a group of activists who say their popular doll's latest incarnation, CEO Barbie, encourages young girls to set impractical career goals.
Racial Profiling Okay? #~# A recent study shows that most Americans do not have a problem with racial profiling by law enforcement officers. What do you think?
Death Of The Chief Justice #~# William Rehnquist, the chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, died Saturday at age 80. What do you think?
Chinese Auto Industry #~# Chinese carmakers are beginning to increase production volume, raise quality-control standards, and export cars to Europe, with the hope of becoming a major player in the auto industry in the coming years. What do you think?
Reality TV's Integrity Questioned #~# Critics and viewers are beginning to question the integrity of reality-television shows, saying that some of them may be scripted or fixed. What do you think?
Atkins Diet Over #~# Atkins Nutritional, the former nutrition giant whose Atkins Diet craze has fizzled in the recent months, blamed slumping demand and increased competition for its failure. What do you think?
Lawsuit Over iPod Scratches #~# Apple has been threatened with class-action lawsuits claiming its new iPod nano scratches too easily. What do you think?
Harriet Miers Withdraws #~# Harriet Miers, President Bush's nominee for the Supreme Court, has withdrawn from consideration after almost universal opposition. What do you think?
Brazil's Gun Ban Voted Down #~# Last week, the citizens of Brazil voted not to ban gun sales despite their nation having one of the world's highest murder rates. What do you think?
Bush To Nominate Next Person Who Walks Through Door #~# WASHINGTON, DC—After Harriet Miers withdrew her nomination for the Supreme Court Thursday, President Bush announced that he will nominate the next person who walks through his door. "I assure the American people that the next person who enters my field of vision will be a highly qualified candidate of unimpeachable character, with a solid record, and—what's more—a good heart," Bush said. As of press time, 17 people were waiting outside the door, including the president's daughter Jenna, and special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald.
Fox Asks White Sox To Play Yankees For 'Real World Championship' #~# HOUSTON, TX—In a historic development in the 2005 Major League Baseball postseason, Fox executives announced that the Chicago White Sox, who defeated the Houston Astros in four games after a 1-0 victory Wednesday, must now play the New York Yankees in the best-of-seven "Real World Series" beginning Saturday night at 8 p.m., in order to determine the actual world champion. "The White Sox must complete one final challenge before they may be crowned true champions," Fox president Peter Liguori announced over Minute Maid Park's PA system, interrupting the White Sox's celebration. "The Yankees are the keepers of the Real World Series trophy, and in order to win it, the White Sox must travel to New York and beat Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Randy Johnson, and the other formidable, marketable stars who await their arrival." Liguori added that, in the event that the White Sox decline the challenge, the Red Sox have been scheduled to stand in for them.
Notre Dame Football Announces Improvements To Its Storied History #~# SOUTH BEND, IN—With their football renaissance derailed, at least for the moment, by a current 5-2 record that includes losses to rivals USC and unranked Michigan State, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish have elected to improve in the one area where they still outclass all other college football teams: their legendary history.
WNBA Draft To Double As Bachelorette Auction #~# NEW YORK—In order to stimulate interest in the WNBA and allow its fans to get to know the sport's rising stars in a more intimate setting, the 2006 player draft will double as a charity bachelorette auction, with all the proceeds going directly to the cash-strapped league. The WNBA is billing the event as a showcase of talented, interesting, and fun women who would be great catches for a team in need of some offense or anyone who's free next Saturday night. "Seimone Augustus is going to go high, both in the draft and the bidding," WNBA analyst Ann Meyers said, referring to the 6'1" LSU forward who averaged 20.1 points per game and is always up for a good horror flick. "But watch out for Monique Currie, the Duke star with a dominant court presence and a love of pizza and just hanging out, as she is an impact player on and off the court." Meyers added that, with a total of 42 players expected to be selected and bid on over the draft's three rounds, every single WNBA fan should be able to win at least one date.
Special X-Games End In Extreme Tragedy #~# LOS ANGELES—Event organizers and promoters are as yet unable to explain to the satisfaction of law-enforcement officials how Ricky Creston, a 10-year-old Down syndrome sufferer, was put in a position that lead to his death on Tuesday, the final day of events at the first-ever Special X-Games. "Creston, who was competing in the Best Freestyle Motocross Trick event, evidently panicked and began flailing his arms in response to the motorcycle's loud noise, losing control of the Honda CRF230 to which he had been strapped, and died shortly after in a collision with another special athlete," LAPD officials announced yesterday. "Special X-Games organizers apparently thought they had taken every precaution possible, outfitting Creston with a life jacket in case he careened into the nearby wakeboarding pool, but failed to take into account the proximity of the skateboarding half-pipe." Creston also critically injured a developmentally disabled boy who, apparently deafened by the crowd and the Limp Bizkit music blaring through the arena speakers, was sitting in the bottom of the half-pipe and happily spinning the wheels of his skateboard during the Men's Big Air event. "Although Ricky is gone, his extreme legacy will live on forever, unlike our partnership with Mountain Dew," said event organizer Steve Wynlan, adding that all they wanted was to show the special athletes that they could still have a rad lifestyle. A spokesman for the LAPD stated that, although he had seen youth culture exploited before, the Special X-Games were nearly as bad as the Vans Warped Tour.
Greenspan Retiring #~# After 18 years of service, Alan Greenspan is retiring as chairman of the Federal Reserve at the age of 79. What do you think?
Fire Truck! Fire Truck! Fire Truck! #~# Look, out the window! A fire truck! I've seen drawings of fire trucks in my picture books, of course, but how could I have ever known how pale and insignificant those crude representations were in comparison to the real thing! Fire truck! Oh, great God in heaven, fire truck! This has got to be the most moving of mankind's creations, and perhaps of nature's, as well. 
It's Amazing How Much You Can Learn About A Person Just By Hiring A Private Investigator #~# Do we ever really know the people we marry? I wonder. Now, I've known my wife Fran for 15 wonderful years, 10 of them in the most beautiful, sharing, and trusting marriage anyone could ever want. But even after all these years, the new things I learn about Fran—with the help of private detective Barry Norman—continue to surprise and delight me.
Bolivia Joins DOPEC #~# LA PAZ, BOLIVIA—The South American nation of Bolivia was inducted into the Development Organization of Powder-Exporting Countries Monday. "As the world's third-largest producer of coca, we are pleased to join Colombia, Peru, Mexico, and other proud nations in economic partnership," said Sonia Atala, Bolivia's minister of opiates. "Only by working together can we assure ourselves of continued expansion into foreign markets." The move was opposed by the U.S., DOPEC's largest customer, on the grounds that further price increases and supply restriction would create long lines at dealerships.
Puppy Dies Adorable Death #~# SOUTH BELOIT, IL—Three-month-old Lab-Dalmatian mix Smokey curled up into the sweetest little ball of fur you'd ever want to see and died of canine parvovirus in his owner's home Sunday. "Awww, look! Look at that!" said Smokey's former master, nurse practitioner Dieter Knast, who discovered the puppy's corpse. "Did puppums have severe dehydration? Who had a bacterial infection that caused septic shock? You did! You did! You're a little angel." Smokey's corpse is expected to remain under the radiator until it doesn't smell cute anymore.
Comedy Central To Air Touching Man Show Reunion #~# LOS ANGELES—Comedy Central executive producer Howard Lapides announced Monday that the network will broadcast a Man Show reunion starring former hosts Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla Friday. "Jimmy and Adam joined their old pals Baby Barry and the Juggies to tape the special yesterday, and there wasn't a dry eye in the house," Lapides said. "Watching those trampolines in action again—really just the very sight of those two smirking scamps—was, well, let's just say it was a touching evening." Adam Carolla was unavailable for comment, as he was taping a Too Late With Adam Carolla reunion in anticipation of the show's cancellation.
According To Bar Love-Tester, Inebriated Patron Okay To Drive #~# WISCONSIN DELLS, WI—J.J. Gardner, a regular customer at Nig's Tavern, was perfectly okay to drive early Tuesday morning after five hours of heavy drinking, according to the AK2000, the bar's coin-operated love-tester. "Hot To Trot," the love-tester said after Gardner gripped its handle for five seconds. Gardner later mumbled incoherent explanations to Wisconsin Dells police that he would never have attempted to drive if he had tested as Frigid, a Cold Fish, or an Old Maid.
KISS Cover Band Guitarist Leaves To Start Vinnie Vincent Invasion Tribute Band #~# AKRON, OH—Citing growing tensions between bandmates, Harvey Shapiro—aka "VeeVee," the guitarist for KISS cover band Destroyer—left the group Monday to create VeeVee's Occupying Force, a Vinnie Vincent Invasion tribute band. "I felt I had hit a creative ceiling with the cover-band experience and was ready for the challenges of a tribute band," Shapiro said. "VeeVee's Occupying Force will debut Dec. 3 at Rubber City Lanes. We're opening for Second Sighting, my brother's Frehley's Comet cover band." As a part of his new band's act, Shapiro said he is contemplating suing Destroyer for $6 million over damage to his reputation following some badmouthing at the Rock 'N' Bowl.
Queer Eye Team Denounces Recent Wave Of Vigilante Homosexual Makeover Groups #~# NEW YORK—The stars of the popular Bravo reality show Queer Eye For The Straight Guy spoke out Monday against the recent rash of vigilante homosexual makeover groups, whose members, while often well-meaning, have left hundreds of Americans inappropriately and even tragically made-over.
NASA Chief Under Fire For Personal Shuttle Use #~# CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—NASA Administrator Michael Griffin has yet to respond to recent allegations that he used NASA space shuttles on as many as one dozen unauthorized outings to such destinations as New York City, the French Riviera, and his vacation home near Ketchum, ID. 
Trick-Or-Treaters To Be Subject To Random Bag Searches #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to "a possible threat of terror and fright," Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced Monday that trick-or-treaters will be subject to random bag searches this Halloween season.
That's The Last Time Private Collector Loans Painting To Guggenheim #~# NEW YORK—Art collector Walter P. Vaifale announced Monday that he will no longer loan artwork to the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum in New York City. Too often, he says, the museum returns his priceless works of art scratched, broken, or stained, if they remember to return them at all.
Personal Bankruptcy Laws #~# A new bankruptcy law went into effect last week, making it harder for consumers to clear their debts with Chapter 7 bankruptcy. What do you think?
Reading Incomprehension #~# Recent standardized-test scores show that, while American students' math scores are acceptable, their reading comprehension is unsatisfactory. What do you think?
The Chinese In Space #~# China's second manned space capsule just returned from orbit, paving the way for a future Chinese moon mission. What do you think?
Mardi Gras 2006? #~# Mardi Gras organizers in New Orleans promised that they will hold the celebration in February 2006 as planned, despite the destruction caused by Hurricane Katrina. What do you think?
Quarterback Has Normal, Healthy Son #~# NEW YORK—New York Jets quarterback Chad Pennington, whose torn rotator cuff has sidelined him for the remainder of the 2005 season, still has that rarest of qualities for a quarterback: a normal, healthy son. "My boy Cole is a perfectly healthy, mentally stable child," Pennington said while watching 20-month-old Cole run around the yard and play with a football like any other toddler. "You see, unlike most sons of quarterbacks, Cole is completely free of multiple sclerosis, autism, leukemia, epilepsy, cancer, or cystic fibrosis. The doctors tell us it's a miracle." The Cole Pennington Foundation, which Chad and his wife Robin founded in their son's name in 2004, has raised over $2 million for the sons of Boomer Esiason, Dan Marino, Doug Flutie, Mark Rypien, Vinny Testaverde, and countless other less fortunate sons of NFL quarterbacks.
Bush To Throw Out First Through 120th Pitch Of World Series #~# CHICAGO—The White House formally announced Thursday that President George W. Bush will open the 2005 World Series in Chicago by throwing out the ceremonial first pitch, and then going on to pitch the first five innings against both the Chicago White Sox and the Houston Astros.
MLB Introduces Todd Zeile Award For Participation #~# MILWAUKEE—In recognition of Todd Zeile, who took an active part in over 2,000 games while playing for 11 different teams, the MLB commissioner's office has dedicated an award in his name, to be presented annually to honorary participants in America's pastime. "Major League Baseball understands that not everyone can be the Most Valuable Player, and we want to let these other players know that we nonetheless appreciate their effort and support their continued interest in the game of baseball," commissioner Bud Selig said. "In the spirit of Mr. Zeile, this award celebrates a player's commitment to the sport, his outstanding attendance, and the embodiment of the game's most important qualities: taking the field, giving it your all, and making new friends." This year's recipients will include all players who exemplified the true meaning of baseball by willingly competing in over 60 percent of his team's games.
Blacks Disapprove Of Bush #~# Polls conducted by NBC have Bush's approval rating with African-Americans at 2 percent with a 2 percent margin of error. What do you think?
Report: One In Five Women Training To Be Yoga Instructors #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Department of Labor report on job retraining, 21 percent of American women are training to be yoga instructors, marking the highest level of female interest in the flexibility-and-spirituality-expansion industry since 1971. "One particular indicator is striking: All but 32 women in New York and San Francisco are now certified yoga instructors, specializing in either hatha, bikram, or ashtanga yoga," Labor Secretary Elaine Chao said. The report notes that the rising interest in yoga instruction has caused a commensurate depletion in the ranks of massage therapists and board-certified realtors.
President Bush Urges Nation #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Saying he "could not stress the issue strongly enough," President Bush urged the nation Monday in a televised address from the Oval Office. "Fellow Americans, in this time of trial for our nation, I beseech you," Bush said. "Heed my words: This great nation, founded in freedom. Therefore, I implore all Americans. I ask you, in our hour of need. Good night, and God bless you." Pundits agree that the message was the most forceful speech from the president since he interrupted regular programming to call on the nation in the spring of 2003.
Missing Girl Elected To Aruban Parliament #~# ORANJESTAD, ARUBA—In a surprise election result, Aruban voters elected missing Alabama teen Natalee Holloway to their parliament Tuesday. "The people of Aruba know that Miss Holloway has been through hell and, possibly, back, and that means a lot to us," said Fredis Oduber, who cast his ballot for Holloway along with 87 percent of his countrymen. "Our congratulations and prayers are with her family at this time." The incumbent in Holloway's seat is expected to serve until MP-elect Holloway takes office or her body is found.
New Orleans Struck By Meteorite #~# NEW ORLEANS—A tractor-trailer-sized meteorite struck downtown New Orleans late Monday night with comparable force to that of a small nuclear device. "The impact caused floodwaters in the area to vaporize, scalding everything in a four-mile radius with radioactive steam," said Claude Wyncoll of the U.S. Naval Observatory. "Burning debris shot into the troposphere, then rained down across the Gulf Coast, causing property damage and countless casualties as far away as Gulfport [MS]." FEMA and National Guard personnel are unable to enter the city, as the lava flow resulting from the meteorite's deep penetration of the Earth's crust has blocked all routes.
Latest Jihad Has Something For Everyone #~# SANA'A, YEMEN—Leaders of the New Mujahideen jihadist movement say their latest holy war should appeal to people from all walks of Muslim life.  "If you like bombing, bomb manufacturing, effigy-burning, maintaining inflammatory websites, or just 'hajjing out,' the Nu Mooj has something for you!" read a statement on the group's home page. "Jihad is better when friends come together!" The Nu Mooj is expected to recruit several hundred like-minded fanatics to their holy cause of fighting Western imperialism before factional violence tears it apart later this year.
I Can't Listen To This Nonsense Anymore... Or Can I? #~# It seems that every time I bother to pay attention to what's going on in the world, I hear of another scandal. Another example of greed or incompetence. A city annihilated, a high-ranking government official indicted, Americans working harder and earning less than they did three decades ago…ugh! I can't take it anymore!
What Idiot Wrote These Ten Commandments? #~# You keep hearing about these Ten Commandments on television, all the religious fundamentalist types saying, "Let's put them up in the courthouse, let's hang them up in the schools, etc., etc." They seem pretty determined to make the Ten Commandments the law of the land, so I figured, as a responsible citizen, I should bone up on them.
Six Dead In Gubernatorial Suicide Pact #~# COLUMBUS, OH—The bodies of six U.S. governors were discovered in the Ohio Statehouse early Monday, all apparent participants in what authorities believe to be some sort of statewide-officeholder suicide pact.
Veteran Cop Gets Along Great With Rookie Partner #~# LOS ANGELES—Just one month before narcotics officer Vincent Tate was planning to turn in his badge and retire on a full pension, he learned that he was being assigned a rookie partner. Now, after four weeks, the hard-boiled 25-year veteran of the Los Angeles Police Department says he's having so much fun with the new recruit, he "may never leave."
Poll: More Americans Getting Their News From Bev #~# MARSHFIELD, MA—With an increasing variety of news media options, including 24-hour cable channels, websites, and blogs, more Americans have been tuning out traditional newscasts and turning to local resident Beverly Tollefsen for their news, a poll released Monday shows.
Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack #~# PITTSBURGH—A zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy and released Monday, indicates that the city could easily succumb to a devastating zombie attack.  Insufficient emergency-management-personnel training and poorly conceived undead-defense measures have left the city at great risk for all-out destruction at the hands of the living dead, according to the Zombie Preparedness Institute.
L.A. Catholic Priest Scandal #~# The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles released records showing that known child-molesting priests were often allowed to continue practicing their ministry, or simply transferred to other parishes in the diocese. What do you think?
Bush's Not-So-Candid Chat #~# A televised conversation between President Bush and American and Iraqi troops that was originally presented as a candid chat turned out to be carefully scripted to address Bush's goals for the war and the new Iraqi constitution. What do you think?
Harriet Miers Nomination #~# Bush's Supreme Court nomination of Harriet Miers, his longtime associate and current White House counsel, continues to draw criticism. What do you think?
First Female Chancellor Of Germany #~# The Christian Democrat Party's Angela Merkel has been elected chancellor of Germany, the first woman to hold that post. What do you think?
Fox Cancels ALCS After Just Two Episodes #~# LOS ANGELES—Fox Entertainment president Peter Liguori announced Thursday that the network is pulling the plug on ALCS, the new three-hour drama/comedy about two rival clubs competing for the coveted "pennant," just two shows into its run. "This uninspired series featured a cast of uninteresting characters, a hackneyed plot, and more boring narration than actual meaningful dialogue," Liguori said. "We tried to find an audience on Tuesdays, then on Wednesdays, and we were prepared to move its time slot to Friday nights or Saturday afternoons before ultimately realizing that the series had zero potential." Television experts cited several other possible reasons for the early cancellation, such as the overly expensive sets and costumes, the show's subject matter, and the fact that the series' projected breakout character—a brash, outspoken black man named Carl Everett—tested very poorly with audiences. Fox remains optimistic about its other fledgling program, NLCS, but critics say the series has "very little chance" of making it past seven episodes.
Peyton Manning's Wife Tired Of His Constant 'Audibles' At The 'Line Of Scrimmage' #~# INDIANAPOLIS—According to sources close to Ashley Manning, wife of Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, the All-Pro's constant audibles on the playing field are mirrored in his intimately personal life, a fact that Mrs. Manning sometimes finds exasperating. "I mean, sometimes when we, you know, 'take the field,' and the 'formation' is all 'lined up,' and Peyton gets all set 'under center,' he will start barking out new signals," Mrs. Manning said. "Suddenly, it's 'Flip Right Hawk 62! Deuce Right, Waggle 15H Throwback C-Posts! Dice Right 218 Bastard! Yes! Yes! Yes!' And I'm like, Peyton, we're at 'third and inches' here, honey. Please, just 'snap the ball.'" Mrs. Manning did note, however, that her husband was a remarkably talented "field general" with a "rifle arm" who "led the league" in "finding the end zone" last season.
'Ditka' Chicago Man's Answer To Everything #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—Almost 20 years after Mike Ditka led Chicago to their only Super Bowl victory, lifelong Chicago resident Dave Johannes continues to suggest the beloved former Bears coach and current hair-gel and erectile-dysfunction-medicine endorser as the solution to every problem of which he is personally aware. "Ditka could turn these here Bears around, you bet—and them White Sox could use some of that Ditka attitude, too," Johannes was heard telling his family, friends, and coworkers Monday. "Don't get me started on the Bulls and the Blackhawks. And that [former Illinois governor George] Ryan [corruption] trial… Ditka would get to the bottom of that, I bet. Plus, also, I got just the man to fix our mess we got in Iraq." Every Chicago resident Johannes spoke to agreed completely with his Ditka panacea, although experts generally agree that Buddy Ryan, the father of the Bears' famous "46" defense, would probably be a better choice.
MLB Promises Next Season Will Be Even More Predictable #~# ST. LOUIS—In the midst of a slightly jarring postseason that now features just two of the same four teams that advanced to last year's league championship series, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced that the 2006 season will mark a return to the standard old formula that has kept fans complacent with the national pastime for the past several years.
The FBI And Pot #~# The FBI is considering relaxing their strict standards for past marijuana use among prospective agents. What do you think?
October 10, 1991 #~# Supreme Court Nominee Clarence Thomas: ‘The Ass-Slapping Was Never Done In An Inappropriate Manner’
Oh My God, I Am So Drunk On Power Right Now #~# Peterson? Another wage cutback. Make it a double. And what say we don't water it down with a lot of firing-bonus mumbo-jumbo. 
I Guess I Got A Girlfriend #~# Hola amigos. What's shakin'? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but the waters are not always smooth in Lake Anchower. The brakes on my Festiva were starting to whine and grind, which really pissed me off. If it's not one thing, it's another with that car. I was gonna sell it and let someone else have the headache of fixing the brakes, but then gas went up to $3 a gallon, and my Festiva gets like 35 miles to the gallon. These gas prices can suck my ass. I remember when it used to cost $12 to fill up my car.
Philandering String Theorist Can Explain Everything #~# BATAVIA, IL—Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory physicist Laird Karmann, a noted string theorist and accused philanderer, said Monday that he can "explain everything" if his wife Elizabeth will just give him a chance. "Surely, anyone can see that, mathematically, the universe is composed of Riemann surfaces, having positive-definite metrics, across which the attached 'loops' or free 'strings' have a (1+1) dynamic topology," Karmann said. "But string behaviors are Lorentzian, meaning that they—like me—need an intense dual-phase Wick rotation now and then just to stay in rational space. I mean, it was just a blowjob." Elizabeth refused to accept her husband's theory, suggesting that he study the transformational loop dynamics implicit in her hurled wedding ring.
Nostalgic Memories Of Land Of The Lost Ruined In DVD Release #~# TORRANCE, CA—Fond memories of the Sid and Marty Krofft Saturday-morning TV classic Land Of The Lost were quashed by a weekend viewing of its first season on DVD, 38-year-old Don Richards announced today. "You can't expect the cheap blue-screen to look good today, but man, what a steaming pile," said Richards, who has abandoned the idea of introducing his childhood favorite to his 7-year-old daughter Bailey. "I can't believe how much they re-used that same shot of the same tyrannosaurus approaching Marshall, Will, and Holly's cave. And that Cha-Ka was such a bad Planet Of The Apes rip-off." Richards still holds out hope that his as-yet unwatched Lidsville DVD set "stays true" to his memories.
First Report On Long-Term Effects Of Breakdancing Released #~# NEW YORK—More than two decades after the breakdancing craze peaked, the first data on its long-term health effects was published Tuesday in the Strong Island Journal Of Medicine. "We've found permanent shoulder pop, elbow lock, and spin-neck in '80s-era breakdancers," said Dr. Young MD, the report's author. "For years, many subjects had thrown their hands in the air without exercising the proper care." Breakdancing researchers hope to further medical diagnostic advances pioneered by 1999's groundbreaking "Death Before And After Disco" study.
Woman With Low Self-Esteem Boosts Area Man's Self-Esteem #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Out-of-work tower operator Fred Jenkins, 35, who has lacked self-worth since being laid off in late 2004, found his confidence restored in a relationship with fellow AA member Stacy Lynn Parke, 33. "Stacy's so amazing—it's been so nice to have someone to take care of me and tell me how special I am," Jenkins said of Parke, a part-time Hallmark Store clerk who has attempted suicide three times. "I guess sometimes all you need is for another person to make you feel good about yourself, unconditionally." Jenkins also noted that Parke "made it seem that being laid off wasn't that big a deal" and that "sometimes she worries about me so much she just cries herself to sleep."
Report: 92 Percent Of Souls In Hell There On Drug Charges #~# HELL—A report released Monday by the Afterlife Civil Liberties Union indicates that nine out of 10 souls currently serving in Hell were condemned on drug-related sins.
Bush To Appoint Someone To Be In Charge Of Country #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In response to increasing criticism of his handling of the war in Iraq and the disaster in the Gulf Coast, as well as other issues, such as Social Security reform, the national deficit, and rising gas prices, President Bush is expected to appoint someone to run the U.S. as soon as Friday.
Man With Friend With Cancer 'Going Through A Rough Time' #~# BISMARCK, ND—Three months ago, Mark Sennis received the news that everyone dreads: Ben Murphy, a friend and coworker with whom he "occasionally went out to lunch," had been diagnosed with cancer.
Hatred Of Marriage Counselor Brings Couple Together #~# TEMPE, AZ—Area couple Tom and Becky Witthauser credited the successful resolution of their ongoing marital conflicts to their mutual hatred of their marriage counselor Monday, describing him as the "jag-off whose prissy, ineffectual demeanor brought us closer than we've been in years."
Iraq War Vets With PTSD #~# Thousands of Iraq war veterans with post-traumatic stress disorder say the U.S. Army isn't providing them with adequate treatment. What do you think? 
Online Poaching #~# Illegal online sales of endangered animal and plant species are becoming problematic, as they are both lucrative and difficult to regulate. What do you think?
Portable Video Devices #~# Portable DVD players and multiple-function devices such as Sony's PSP and Nokia's N-Gage are making it possible to watch pre-recorded video anywhere. What do you think?
WTC Freedom Center Canceled #~# New York Governor George Pataki has canceled plans for the Freedom Center museum at ground zero, saying it was the cause of too much controversy. What do you think?
Antonio Alfonseca Once Again Leads Major-League Relievers In Fingers #~# MIAMI—Florida Marlins pitcher Antonio Alfonseca dominated the MLB in appendages for the ninth straight year, finishing the 2005 season with a league-leading 12 fingers. Alfonseca, who made his debut with the Marlins in 1997 and wasted no time making this particular statistical category his own, led the NL for almost the entire season, only falling into a close second during an unusual two-week period in mid-August. Alfonseca's performance will trigger a $1 million bonus, as the Marlins signed him to an incentive-laden, oft-criticized, finger-enumeration-based contract. "Antonio has been through a lot this season, including some elbow problems and a trip to the DL," manager Jack McKeon said. "But in the end, he just went out there and had a lot of fingers." There was once again a tie for second place behind Alfonseca, with 214 pitchers amassing 10 fingers each, followed by Bob Wickman, who finished last with 9.7.
Reggie Jackson Still Mr. October To His Librarian #~# PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Reggie Jackson, the legendary power hitter who earned the nickname "Mr. October" for his World Series heroics with the Oakland A's and New York Yankees, is still Mr. October as far as his librarian, Jody Halloway, is concerned. "Regardless of what else he does, Mr. Jackson has always been a classic gentleman," said Halloway, re-shelving the three bestsellers Jackson checked out in his last three consecutive library visits. "There's something about Reggie and this month… He just seems to be that much more remarkable this time of year, from getting the big volumes off the upper shelves to doing cleanup duty in the kids' section." Halloway did acknowledge that Jackson's outspoken nature and penchant for self-promotion has led to a spate of locally infamous flare-ups with Yankee Deli manager Millie Barton.
Anna Nicole And The Supreme Court #~# The Supreme Court of the United States has agreed to hear Anna Nicole Smith's inheritance case. What do you think?
Please Stop Screaming At Me #~# Sir, I realize that you were enraged by the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina as it was broadcast into your home. And I fully understand and share your hatred of that ever-present playgirl heiress who seems to have no greater purpose than to acquire things and expose her genitalia. However, I must remind you that I neither create nor condone the images that I project.
I Should Really Get Around To Reporting My Wife Missing #~# The Monday Susan disappeared, everything seemed normal—folded laundry in my drawers, clean dishes in the drying rack, and the living-room carpet freshly vacuumed. When dinnertime came and went, I began to wonder about her whereabouts, but it was only the next morning, roughly around breakfast, that I began to think something terrible might have happened.
Adult-Entertainment Industry Donates $100,000 In Charity Sex To Hurricane Victims #~# VAN NUYS, CA—Citing the need for a "nationwide outpouring of love," the American Adult Entertainment Foundation announced Monday that it will donate $100,000 worth of charity sex to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. "We have truckloads of willing, wild, and wet porn-industry professionals heading to refugee centers right now to take it in every hole from Katrina survivors," said AAEF spokeslut Vivica Vixxxen. "We're ready for a no-holes-barred orgy of disaster-relief action." Vixxxen added: "Of course, we'll wait until the victims are rehydrated and rested up enough to manage it."
Halliburton Given Contract To Rebuild Cheney #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Halliburton was awarded an $85.5 million contract to rebuild damaged U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney Monday. "We are proud to serve the executive branch in their hour of need," CEO David J. Lesar wrote in a statement released later that day. "Due to our vast experience with oil-well fires and refinery mishaps, we are well-versed in the sort of reinforcement, rewiring, and exoskeleton refitting Mr. Cheney so desperately needs."  The Department of Ways and Means defended awarding the contract to Halliburton on the grounds that they had done the original work on Cheney in the 1970s.
Bus-Stop Ad Has More Legal Protections Than Average Citizen #~# BOSTON—According to the National Consumer Law Center, a bus-stop poster advertising the weight-loss pill TrimSpa has more legal protections than the average citizen. "The TrimSpa bus poster enjoys broad First and 14th Amendment coverage, as well as extensive deterrents to willful damage," NCLC spokesperson Angela Broadbent said. "Unfortunately, this is not true of claims made by citizens in regard to the ad, its product, or the Nutramerica Corporation." Nutramerica has brought a lawsuit against Broadbent and NCLC executives on charges of slander, libel, and conspiracy to undermine the public good. 
Skeleton Of Mayan Nerd Dug From Prehistoric Locker #~# ALTUN HA, BELIZE—Archaeologists discovered an obsidian locker containing the skeleton of an ancient Mayan nerd, believed to have been forced into his locker circa 800 B.C. "The skeleton is remarkably well-preserved and displays great technological—but not social—sophistication," Dr. Forrest Clayton said. "The orthodontic headgear is still attached to the skull, as are the glasses, which were rimmed with antelope horn." Clayton said he believes that the clothing worn by the ancient nerd, specifically a short-sleeved garment featuring the visage of Mayan sun deity Kinich Ahau, was most likely picked out by the youth's mother.
Missing Girl's Family Really Hates To Part With Reward #~# BAKERSFIELD, CA—Although abducted 8-year-old Becca Schwalls has been safely returned to her family, her parents are "sort of having second thoughts" about the $25,000 reward they offered following her July 11 disappearance. "That's kind of a lot of money," father Karl Schwalls said. "That was going to be our ATV fund… I'm thinking five grand is fair." Schwalls added that, although he is "overjoyed" to have Becca back safe and sound, he has always taught her that "a good deed is its own reward."
America's Obese: A Food Source For America's Even More Obese? #~# WASHINGTON, DC—America's morbidly obese are hungry. For years, the processed-food industry has desperately tried to placate them with empty-calorie foodstuffs with a satisfying texture, but their appetites have proven insatiable. A new report released Monday by the National Health Council, however, suggests that the answer to morbidly obese Americans' problems could be standing right behind them in the buffet line.
Citing Slow Summer Box Office, Hollywood Calls It Quits #~# BURBANK, CA—Universal Studios joined DreamWorks SKG, Sony Pictures, Warner Bros., Paramount, and Fox Monday, when CEO Ron Meyer announced that the company is shutting down operations and ceasing all film production, effective immediately.
CEO's Success Credited To Unbelievable Handshake #~# SAN DIEGO—Garrett Maddox, born to a working-class family living on the South Side of Chicago, started out at the bottom, but has quickly worked his way up the corporate ladder. A youthful 34, he was recently named chief executive officer of telecommunications-research giant Qualcomm, and has already headed up 11 Fortune 500 companies, ranging from Safeco Insurance to United Technologies. The key to his outstanding success? An unbelievable handshake.
Bob Marley Rises From Grave To Free Frat Boys From Bonds Of Oppression #~# WILLIAMSBURG, VA—In an unprecedented effort to fight injustice, reggae music legend Bob Marley, dead since 1981, rose from his grave in Jamaica early Sunday to free his most devoted followers, American college fraternity members, "from the bonds of oppression."
Violent Crime At 30-Year Low #~# Statistics indicate that the violent-crime rate in the U.S. is at its lowest point in 30 years. What do you think?
IRA Disarmament #~# The Irish Republican Army, working with an independent international commission, claims to have destroyed all its weapons stockpiles. What do you think?
Cheney's Aneurysms #~# Vice President Dick Cheney is recovering after having aneurysms removed from the back of both his knees. What do you think?
At Least I Got My Ass Kicked By A Name-Brand Crowbar #~# Every day, people get the shit kicked out of them by cheap, second-rate implements. Be it discount baseball bats, flimsy aluminum pipes, or after-market non-waffle-head hammers, nearly everyone has at one time or another gone through the dehumanizing experience of being severely pummeled with a lesser-quality product. Well, I'm proud to say the crowbar that landed me in the hospital three weeks ago retails for $39.95, and is sold only in the better hardware stores.
Why Can't Anyone Tell I'm Wearing This Business Suit Ironically? #~# Is it my fault none of you stupid conformists can understand how hilarious and ironic my cutting-edge fashion sense is? In 1986, I was the first kid in the neighborhood to wear a Mr. Bubble iron-on T-shirt from the '70s. I was only 10, but I was soaring over people's heads. In high school, I was the only guy to wear Adam And The Ants war paint to the senior prom—even though it was the early '90s. Those fools looked at me like I was 10 or 12 years behind! In college, the trucker-hat concept was my masterstroke. Within a few years, everybody was doing it, but by that time, I had so moved on.
RIAA Bans Telling Friends About Songs #~# LOS ANGELES—The Recording Industry Association of America announced Tuesday that it will be taking legal action against anyone discovered telling friends, acquaintances, or associates about new songs, artists, or albums. "We are merely exercising our right to defend our intellectual properties from unauthorized peer-to-peer notification of the existence of copyrighted material," a press release signed by RIAA anti-piracy director Brad Buckles read. "We will aggressively prosecute those individuals who attempt to pirate our property by generating 'buzz' about any proprietary music, movies, or software, or enjoy same in the company of anyone other than themselves." RIAA attorneys said they were also looking into the legality of word-of-mouth "favorites-sharing" sites, such as coffee shops, universities, and living rooms.
Enchilada Premonition Comes To Pass #~# BUFFALO, NY—An unaccountable vision of impending enchilada consumption experienced by SUNY-Buffalo student Kris Lamberth came true early Monday evening, according to witnesses. "There we were on the couch," said roommate Corey Bradsher, "when Kris looks right at me and says, 'I have an eerie sense I'm going to eat two Amy's Organic cheese enchiladas. Man, I can almost taste them.'" An hour later, his prophesy was realized. Since the incident, the preternatural Lamberth has attracted the attention of the unsolved-crimes unit of the local police department, who have requested that Lamberth solve the mystery of where they should order their lunch.
MythBusters Team Struck Down By Zeus #~# SAN FRANCISCO—MythBusters hosts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, who dared challenge the sacred explanations of the order of the universe, were destroyed by Zeus Monday. "I soared ascending to the ethereal sky, and by merest nod massed a fearsome storm, and with mine lightnings struck down the naysayers Adam and Jamie," Zeus said in a press conference called to warn all doubters of his thunderous might. The MythBusters producers have issued a statement apologizing to the entire Olympian community and declared that, from now on, the program will focus only on myths unrelated to the Greek, Egyptian, or Norse pantheons.
Impersonal Trainer Couldn't Give A Fuck What You Do With Those Free Weights #~# LOS ANGELES—Wes Orth Jr., the man considered to be the standard-bearer for a new breed of strong and aloof impersonal trainers, could not care less about the workout regimen of his clients, many of whom say his indifference powers their adrenaline-charged, spite-filled workouts. "Sure, wave those dumbbells around, whatever," Orth said during a typically hands-off training session at his L.A. gym this weekend. "Or just sit on your fat ass—I get paid either way." Orth's newest workout video, Wes Orth Jr. Doesn't Give Two Damp Shits If You Live Strong Or Die Young, debuted at the top of the Amazon DVD sales charts on Monday.
November 27, 1979 #~# Sadat, Begin Celebrate Peace Treaty With All-Night Coke Orgy At Studio 54
Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan #~# KARUNCHI, SNAKISTAN—Citing crumbling relations due to years of protracted french-onion diplomacy, the president of the Central Asian doritocracy Fritolaysia withdrew the country's ambassadors from Snakistan Monday.
Sleazy Town Will Do Anything To Get On Map #~# WHEATON, MN—There was a time when small towns were known for decency and traditional virtues. Such is clearly not the case for the flagrantly self-promoting village of Wheaton, MN. With its outdoor performing-arts series, new railroad museum, and freshly inaugurated county fair, Wheaton, MN, population 1,755, has shown that it will do anything for a little attention.
Terrorist Has No Idea What To Do With All This Plutonium #~# ZAHEDAN, IRAN—Yaquub Akhtar, the leader of an eight-man cell linked to a terrorist organization known as the Army Of Martyrs, admitted Tuesday that he "doesn't have the slightest clue" what to do with the quarter-kilogram of plutonium he recently acquired.
CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years #~# LANGLEY, VA—A report released Tuesday by the CIA’s Office of the Inspector General revealed that the CIA has mistakenly obscured hundreds of thousands of pages of critical intelligence information with black highlighters.
Museums Raided Tombs? #~# Thousands of artifacts that have been taken from tombs around the world often make their way to prestigious museums. What do you think?
Venezuela Offers Oil To Poor In Massachusetts #~# Under an agreement with Venezuela President Hugo Chavez, the poor in Massachusetts will receive cheap heating oil this winter. What do you think?
Bush Targeted Al-Jazeera? #~# According to a leaked memo, President Bush talked about targeting the headquarters of Arabic news station Al-Jazeera in a meeting with Tony Blair in 2004. What do you think?
"Tookie" To Be Executed? #~# Crips founder, children's book author, and anti-gang activist Stanley "Tookie" Williams is scheduled for execution next week unless granted clemency by Gov. Schwarzenegger. What do you think?
NFL To Move All 32 Teams To Los Angeles #~# NEW YORK—National Football League commissioner Paul Tagliabue announced Tuesday that, after over a decade without a football team, Los Angeles would become the home of all 32 NFL franchises by 2010.
John Madden Arrested For Possession Of Turhumanheaducken #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Football commentator John Madden, famous for his unique vocal stylings and his holiday presentations of unusual meats to winning teams, was taken into custody by Green Bay police after serving Minnesota Vikings players a large "turhumanheaducken" with all the trimmings following their 20-17 victory over the Packers Monday night. "Mr. Madden served the suspect item to the players immediately after the game and, although he referred to it by its full name, Vikings players were apparently too excited or hungry to realize that what they were eagerly devouring was, in fact, a roast turkey stuffed with a rotisserie chicken, a baked duck, and a deep-fried human head," Green Bay Police Chief Craig Van Schndyle told reporters. "Place-kicker Paul Edinger, safety Darren Sharper, and quarterback Brad Johnson are among those being held for medical observation while we analyze the marbled gray matter in the 'oyster' stuffing, the makeup of what we originally thought was cranberry sauce, and the head itself." Police are currently questioning Madden concerning how he obtained the head, whether or not he had help cooking the turhumanheaducken, and the current whereabouts of Monday Night Football statistician "Malibu" Kelly Hayes, who was last seen grocery shopping with Madden Saturday afternoon.
Pony-Wanting Ron Artest To Be On Best Behavior Till Christmas #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Just over one year since Ron Artest climbed into the stands at the Palace of Auburn Hills and took a swing at a fan, resulting in a suspension, a fine, and an empty stocking, the Pacers forward said that he has learned from his mistakes, and knows that any misstep on or off the court during the 2005 holiday season could severely hurt his chances of getting that pony he's been asking for. "Last year, I let my emotions get the best of me—I let down my teammates, my fans, my family, myself, and Santa," Artest said. "Now that I know I'm being watched and scrutinized, I'm going to make an extra-special effort to be nice, whether it means keeping my temper in check during an in-game flare-up, or helping do chores around the house. It's the only way to earn back the respect I need to get Princess." Artest added that after Christmas, any critics, opponents, or fans "better be on their best behavior," as he is making a New Year's resolution to punch someone.
NASCAR Champ Trades In Points For Fun Prizes #~# HOMESTEAD, FL—Moments after the Nextel Cup Series came to an end following the Ford 400 Sunday, NASCAR drivers eagerly redeemed the points they amassed over the course of the season for an exciting selection of prizes, games, and candy. "I knew that every lap was bringing me closer to that awesome BMX bike," said series champion Tony Stewart, who used the remainder of his 6,533 points to get a shower radio, a wall watch, and a mini tape recorder. "I could have gotten the inflatable electric raft if only I got to 7,000 points, or pooled my total with another racer like how Jimmie [Johnson] and Mark [Martin] did, but I'm pretty happy with the prizes I earned." Wayne Anderson, who was forced to pick his prize last after finishing with just 34 points, was only able to afford 15 Airheads and four wax mustaches.
Sony Recalls Risky CDs #~# Sony was forced to recall 4.7 million CDs this month because the copyright-protection software embedded on the discs left computers prone to hacker attacks. What do you think?
November 22, 1963 #~# Kennedy Slain By CIA, Mafia, Castro, LBJ, Teamsters, Freemasons
Someday, Son, All This Cheap Crap Will Be Yours #~# Son, your mother and I worked hard to build a safe and comfortable home for you. And we hope to pass it all on to you someday. 
Why Does Everybody Hate Me? #~# I've tried, I really have, but nothing ever goes right for me. Everywhere I go, it's the same thing: people talking about me like I'm not even there, saying how terrible I am. Telling other people not to walk in my path. Urging that I be shunned and reviled, and commanding me in the name of all that is holy to get myself behind them. I swear, sometimes it seems like everybody thinks I'm the worst entity in creation.
Topeka Mayor Now Highest-Ranking Non-Indicted Republican Official #~# TOPEKA, KS—As of Tuesday, Topeka mayor William Bunten, 74, is the nation's highest-ranking Republican official not facing indictment or public reprimand. "I have always prided myself on running a clean campaign, a clean office, and cleaning house when necessary," Bunten said. "However, I have no comment on the charges facing my party's leadership, fundraising apparatus, known associates, or advisory staff." Bunten is the highest-ranked non-indicted Republican since 1974, when Hansen County, SD schoolboard secretary Cal Albright was forced to stand in as the president of the United States for two years.
Best-Laid Plans Of Mice Mostly Cheese-Related #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Animal-intelligence researchers at Sandia National Labs have found that the best-laid plans of common laboratory mice are overwhelmingly directed toward the acquisition of cheese. "Whatever rudimentary planning skills mice possess are devoted primarily to finding cheese, and these plans are manifest in dodging predators, chewing through things, and, in specialized cases, running mazes," researcher Jack Stein said. "By contrast, the best-laid plans of men are more long-term, with the acquisition of cheese comprising one subcategory of endeavor." Stein added that both types of plans tend oft to go awry.
Holocaust Film Appeals To Believers And Skeptics Alike #~# HAMBURG—Critics describe Die Lange Eisenbahnfahrt (The Long Railroad Trip) as the first Holocaust film to give a fair hearing to memorialists and deniers alike. "At last, we have a cinematic exploration of the Holocaust that portrays both sides equally, instead of fostering further divisiveness," reviewer Hans Kerlemann wrote in Der Spiegel. "The film's acknowledgment of anti-Semitic feelings in Hitler's Germany, coupled with its scenes of people boarding packed trains, is especially powerful." Die Lange Eisenbahnfahrt opens in select cities on the first day of Hanukkah.
All Of Pregnant Woman's Favorite Names Used Up On Cats #~# EUGENE, OR—Seven months pregnant with her first child, veteran cat lady Claudia Beck, 38, said Monday that she has already used all of her favorite names on her cats. "I've got Madison, Emily, Tyler, Jonathan, Claudia Jr., Dakota, and Todd," Beck said. "Then there's Smokey and Midnight, who are strays I feed." As of press time, Beck and the baby's father, animal-shelter assistant Rich Delgado, were considering naming their child "Boots."
I.T. Guy Has Long Dark Night Of Self-Doubt #~# CHICAGO—Scott Tarkoff, the I.T. manager for UrbaNews, LLC, slept little Monday night, plagued by visions of confused coworkers and faultily configured backup servers. "What if everything I know—from the optimum desktop file structure to the most secure formatting of a password—is wrong?" Tarkoff wrote in his Linux-powered home desktop setup, which he built himself for $700. "What if the software documentation I wrote is opaque and unhelpful?" Staff at UrbaNews reported that, by Tuesday morning, Tarkoff was as condescending and cocksure as ever.
Bush To Increase Funding For Hope-Based Initiatives #~# WASHINGTON— President Bush announced today that he will sign a bill providing an additional $2.8 billion for private organizations that emphasize the importance of hoping for change.
Parking-Ramp Attendant Knows All The Best Spaces #~# MILWAUKEE—The average customer at the Water Street parking ramp has probably not taken notice of Brian Haemker. They've passed by him day in and day out, likely assuming he is just another parking-lot attendant. But in reality, he is much more.
FCC: All Programming To Be Broadcast In ADHDTV By 2007 #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Federal Communications Commission voted 3-1 Monday to require electronics manufacturers to make all television sets ADHD-compatible within two years.
Cases Of Glitter Lung On The Rise Among Elementary-School Art Teachers #~# CHICAGO—The Occupational Safety And Health Administration released figures Monday indicating that record numbers of elementary-school art teachers are falling victim to pneumosparklyosis, commonly known as glitter lung.
A Raise For Congress #~# Prior to leaving for a two-week break, Congress approved another pay raise for itself. What do you think?
FEMA Cuts Off Evacuees #~# FEMA recently announced that, at the end of the month, they will to stop paying for hurricane evacuees' hotel rooms. What do you think?
White House On Offensive #~# In response to mounting criticism toward the handling of the war, as well as the accusations of pre-war intelligence manipulation, the White House has come out swinging at the Democrats. What do you think?
TV Downloads On AOL #~# In order to boost available content, America Online is preparing to offer downloads of old television programs like Welcome Back, Kotter and Chico And The Man. What do you think?
The Undertaker Forced To Manage Eddie Guerrero's Funeral #~# STAMFORD, CT—In a ringside announcement before 50,000 screaming, mourning fans, WWE commissioner Vince McMahon ordered The Undertaker to arrange the burial ceremony for his recently deceased nemesis Eddie Guerrero.
NASCAR To Kurt Busch: 'Keep The Drunk Driving On The Racetrack' #~# PHOENIX—Nextel Cup Series driver Kurt Busch, who was detained on suspicion of driving drunk and cited for reckless driving near Phoenix International Raceway last Friday, has been sternly warned by NASCAR to "save the drunk driving for the racetrack." NASCAR spokesman Jim Hunter, who said Kurt "was only given a standard traffic ticket as far as we know," also noted that, as far as NASCAR higher-ups were concerned, reckless driving and operating a vehicle under the influence of alcohol should be saved for race day. "We built our reputation for family-friendly motor-sports entertainment on three things: sponsorships, crashes, and high-speed danger," Hunter said. "Drunk driving is good for all three, as long as it stays on the racetrack where it belongs." The makers of Crown Royal, who sponsor Busch's Nextel Cup car, say they may consider removing their sponsorship from the series if they find evidence that drivers have been driving drunk outside of NASCAR-sanctioned race events.
Mia Hamm Declines Third-Year Option On Nomar Garciaparra #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Just days before the two-year anniversary of their initial agreement of terms, women's soccer legend Mia Hamm opted not to pick up her owner option for a third year on former husband Nomar Garciaparra. "Although I made a commitment to Nomar, there is no doubt that his skills have diminished with age, and it has shown in his lackluster performance over the past two years," said Hamm, who added  that although she will always appreciate Garciaparra's loyal service, she is taking herself in a different direction right now. "Nomar is a great person, but he is well beyond his prime, and I just don't see him as a fit in my future." Although Hamm would not release details, she has hinted that after the mandatory waiting period concludes, she will begin to pursue younger, more versatile free agents.
Alcohol Awareness Class #~# Colleges across the country are requiring incoming freshmen to take an online alcohol-awareness course. What do you think?
November 18, 1920 #~# Fixed World Series Heralds First-Ever Moment Of Excitement In Baseball
My Daughter, Who Lives At 152 East Medgar St. Apt. 4, Can't Keep Her Damn Legs Crossed #~# Being a father is no easy job, and it just gets tougher when you're a father to girls. Don't get me wrong: I love all my kids equally. But somehow, you worry more about your daughters, even—or especially—when they're not so little anymore. Like my daughter Sandra: a warm, intelligent, life-loving young woman who just got her first apartment at 152 East Medgar St. Apt. 4, and who can't seem to keep her damn legs crossed.
Life In The Navy Rocks Even Harder Than The Commercial Implied #~# After I graduated from high school, I was making good money painting houses, my girlfriend was cool with a rockin' little bod, and I partied almost every night. But after a year or so, I started to wonder: "If someone wrote a book about my life, would anyone want to read it?"
Anti-Homosexuality Sermon Suspiciously Well-Informed #~# BOSTON—The Rev. Francis Sebastian's  Sunday sermon condemning homosexual behavior was suspiciously rich in detail and nuance, parishioners from the Adoration Of The Savior Catholic Church noted Monday. "For a celibate man of the cloth, Father Sebastian is very specific about which code words not to use on which forbidden chat rooms at which times of the night," said Betty Riegert, 67. "He also seems to have done his homework on what happens if you flash your headlights at certain rest stops along Route 16." Riegert and other parishioners expect Sebastian to revisit his usual well-worn themes, "Consider The Lilies," "Back Street Sodom," and "Christ The Bridegroom," next Sunday.
Greg Behrendt Releases New Book For Children: Your Parents Aren't That Into You #~# LOS ANGELES—Greg Behrendt, the co-author of the bestsellers He's Just Not That Into You and It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken, has written a book targeted at younger readers, which will be released by Simon & Schuster next week. "In Your Parents Aren't That Into You, I train my funky wit and refreshing frankness on a very difficult time of childhood—the moment when kids realize they're just accessories, tax write-offs, or even mistakes," Behrendt said. "After all, the collapse of the child-parent relationship sets the tone for those to come." Your Parents Aren't That Into You, which features illustrations by Gary Panter, will also be available in an abridged stocking-stuffer size in time for Christmas.
Report: North Korea Just Enjoys Nuclear Talks #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists published a report Tuesday revealing what the international community has long suspected: The government of North Korea simply enjoys nuclear talks. "After years of protracted talks about strategic versus domestic nuclear programs and launch and delivery tactics, it's become increasingly evident that North Korea's stalling tactics stem from a deep desire to chat about nukes," said Ambassador Linton Brooks, chief of the National Nuclear Security Administration. "We are beginning to think that behind all this nuclear brinksmanship are 12 high-level scientists and politicians who enjoy getting together, kicking back, and making a weekend out of it." Although North Korea Prime Minister Pak Pong Ju had no comment on the report, members of his cabinet said they "would be delighted" to get together and discuss the matter further.
Activist Wet-T-Shirt Judge Votes For Girlfriend #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Andrew Scully, 26, a bartender and wet-T-shirt-contest judge at local nightclub Deep Waters, has been accused of personal bias and "legislating from the barstool" after ruling in favor of his girlfriend, Heather Swain, in Friday's "Waters' Melons!!!" wet-T-shirt contest. "Inevitably, my own perceptions will guide my interpretation and application of event guidelines—if that weren't a part of our system, we could just replace the judges with a tape measure," said Scully, responding to bar patrons who said they believed that several contestants had breasts both larger and better-displayed than Swain's. "I like to think of a wet-T-shirt contestant not as a rigid set of body-type rules, but as a living, breathing object." Conservative leaders of the Federalist Wet-T-Shirt Contest Society are calling for Scully's resignation.
Animal Planet Reality Show To Put Bear, Antelope, Hawk, Cheetah In Same House #~# LOS ANGELES—Cable network Animal Planet announced its most ambitious foray into reality-TV programming yet Monday with The Zoo, a weekly, hourlong show in which members of a diverse, all-animal cast square off in a single 3,200-square-foot home in the San Fernando Valley. 
133 Dead As Delta Cancels Flight In Midair #~# CINCINNATI—A 737 traveling from Cincinnati to Salt Lake City was lost with all passengers and crew Monday when cash-strapped Delta Airlines, the aircraft's operator, canceled Flight 1060 en route.
Area Baby Doesn't Have Any Friends #~# TARRYTOWN, NY—Although he's had nearly three months to meet people, local baby Joshua Goldsworthy hasn't made a single friend, according to those who know him.
Long-Awaited Beer With Bush Really Awkward, Voter Reports #~# WARREN, PA—Although respondents to a Pew poll taken prior to the 2004 presidential election characterized Bush as "the candidate they'd most like to sit down and have a beer with," Chris Reinard lived the hypothetical scenario Sunday afternoon, and characterized it as "really uncomfortable and awkward."
New Medicare Plan #~# Criticized as needlessly confusing, the new Medicare prescription-drug program, Medicare Part D, went into effect this week. What do you think?
Montana Bison Hunt #~# The three-month bison-hunting season opens in Montana today, marking the first open season in the state in 15 years. What do you think?
Intelligent Design Ousted #~# Voters in Dover, PA voted out eight school board members who supported an intelligent-design statement being read in biology class. What do you think?
Bush To Veto Torture Ban? #~# The Senate recently approved a ban on torture with a 90-9 vote, but the White House is threatening to veto the bill.  What do you think?
U.S. Immigration Fence? #~# Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA) proposed legislation that would call for the creation of an $8 billion, 2,000-mile fence on the U.S.-Mexico border. What do you think?
NYC Marathon Winner 'Just Went Out There And Had Fun' #~# NEW YORK—Paul Tergat, who on Sunday became the winner of the biggest and closest New York City Marathon in history, downplayed the role of training, focus, and strategy in his victory, claiming that his race-winning plan was to "just go and have some fun out there." 
Pete Rose Jr. Somehow Finds Way To Disgrace Family Name #~# CINCINNATI—Pete Rose Jr., whose father was issued a lifetime ban from baseball in 1989 for betting on Reds games while employed as the team's manager, found a way to further tarnish the baseball legacy of the Rose family when he pleaded guilty Monday to charges that he distributed and sold an illegal steroid alternative to his minor-league teammates. "It'd be tough for any son to live in the shadow of a tax-evading gambler, a man who would only admit he compromised the integrity of baseball as part of a publicity stunt to promote his autobiography," said Cincinnati Reds beat reporter Hal McCoy, who has written extensively about Rose Sr.'s various exploits, from the sale of counterfeit memorabilia to his dressing up in a chicken outfit at professional-wrestling pay-per-view events. "But Rose Jr., who never had the raw talent that his father exhibited in his heyday, was nonetheless able to live up to his namesake in his own way." As punishment for peddling the drug gamma butyrolactone (GBL) to teammates, Rose Jr. is facing up to two years in federal prison, a fine of $1 million, and a lifetime ban from all Double-A baseball and the independent Atlantic League's defending champion Long Island Ducks.
MLS Free Agent Holding Out For Money #~# DALLAS—Carlos Ruiz, a veteran forward who has played the last three years with Major League Soccer's FC Dallas, has announced that he will hold out on any contract offer that does not include some mention of monetary compensation. "I realize that [soccer] in America is still in its infancy, and I do appreciate the free socks, orange slices, and Powerade," Ruiz said of the 10-year-old MLS's hesitancy to offer him cash in return for his services as a player. "But I no longer want to be sleeping on fans' couches, hitchhiking to and from games, and finding people to buy me a meal every now and then. That's fine for rookies, but I've proven myself on the field, and I think that's worth a few thousand bucks a year." FC Dallas has asked the league to intervene, saying that actually paying Ruiz with money would put them over the $1.2 thousand MLS salary cap.
Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett Get Into Argument Over Who's Taller #~# SAN ANTONIO, TX—Two weeks after Kevin Garnett called him "shorty," Tim Duncan, the normally mild-mannered San Antonio Spurs center, lashed out against the Minnesota Timberwolves star following a heated height contest Monday night. "He clearly went on his tip-toes," Duncan said. "Also, note that I play center and he plays forward, and it's common knowledge that centers are always taller than forwards." Duncan, who offers as proof of his superior height the fact that his shoulders are higher up than Garnett's, also asked his former teammate David Robinson for his opinion. "I remember Kevin being a tad taller, but I'm not 100 percent sure," Robinson said. "However, I know them both to be men of exceptional height, definitely taller than most people." Both men are officially listed at 6 feet 11 inches, although Duncan would not rule out the possibility of a late-life growth spurt eventually making him "way taller."
November 9, 1988 #~# Surrogate Test-Tube Baboon-Hearted Baby Trapped In Well
I'm Very Interested In Hearing Some Half-Baked Theories #~# As an ill-informed pseudo-intellectual with a particular interest in the unverifiable, I'm always on the lookout for some partially thought out misinformation. So, if you have an uninformed solution to a dilemma that doesn't actually exist, don't bother double-checking your information. I'm all ears.
My Personal Shopper Is The Worst #~# I called up Alexa at Bergdorf's Sunday night and told her I needed gloves, a hat, an evening dress, two coats,12 sweaters, a couple hair accessories, a slouchy belt, and some stockings, because I threw my old ones out by accident. I needed a new watch, too—something modern and new but traditional and in platinum—but I just called up Enrico for that, because he knows my hands.
Faith Healer Loses Patient During Routine Miracle #~# WAYCROSS, GA—A routine laying-on of hands ended in a fatal cardiac embolism for a worshiper at the One, True, Glorious, Excruciated, And Risen Christ Traveling Gospel Church Sunday. "Losing a fellow Christian is always the hardest part of this job," attending faith healer Harlon Pearcey said. "I invoked the name of the Holy Trinity to drive the sickness out from the poor sinner's heart, but sadly, a blockage in the sinner's pulmonary artery stopped God's love, and much blood, from getting through." The American Faith-Healing Association issued a statement saying that Pearcey followed trinity-invocation and snake-handling guidelines during the procedure.
Cameron Crowe To Release Only Soundtracks #~# LOS ANGELES—Explaining that his movies were but a small step in the pursuit of a career he has always dreamed about, Almost Famous director Cameron Crowe announced Monday that he is retiring from filmmaking to focus exclusively on soundtracks. "For me, the moving image has become redundant, and I believe that I can more effectively tell stories with carefully chosen music," said Crowe, backed by Electric Light Orchestra's "Do Ya." Crowe's first soundtrack, Walking With Headphones, will begin compilation later this winter for a summer release, with the soundtrack's soundtrack available on Polydor Records.
Bird Arthritis Epidemic Largely Ignored #~# GENEVA—Officials from the World Health Organization remain relatively unconcerned by the rise in cases of bird arthritis, a degenerative joint disease found in birds. "We are aware of the existence of avian osteoarthritis, but have chosen to focus on more immediate threats," WHO Director-General Lee Jong-wook said Monday, after several common teals were found doddering about a pond in southern Wales. "Most severely infected birds are too creaky and stiff to spread the disease very far." Experts say this is the least alarming public-health risk since the 1953 breakout of swine bursitis.
Okie Hears There's Sam's Club Work In New Mexico #~# TULSA, OK—Day laborer Cal Thornton, driven from the Wal-Mart where his family worked the stockroom for generations, has heard tell of Sam's Club work in New Mexico. "They say they need 17 guys to unload pallets of toilet paper, baby food, and canned peaches in Las Cruces,"  Thornton said. "Word is, they got cans of peaches in New Mexico so big, you got to use two hands to lift 'em." Thornton loaded his family and few belongings into the cab of his rusted pickup truck and began the migration Tuesday.
Wife Always Dragging Husband Into Her Marital Problems #~# HOUSTON—Banker Robert "Rob Boy" Grelman expressed annoyance with his wife Janet Monday, saying she consistently involves him in her marital problems. "Every day, it's, 'Oh God, I'm married to someone who doesn't understand me,' or, 'Bob, do you think you could pick up after yourself?'" Grelman said. "Don't get me wrong—I have marriage problems of my own—but I don't know what she wants me to do about hers." Grelman added that his children, following their mother's example, have lately attempted to drag him into their family problems.
Redbook Reporter Refuses To Disclose Source Of Recipe #~# ATLANTA—A federal judge said Monday that magazine writer Nancy Steuber will be held in contempt of court if she continues to withhold the source of a recipe for maple-glazed ham published in Redbook magazine in February. 
U.S. Dollar Slips Against Canadian Acorn #~# NEW YORK—The U.S. dollar touched a one-month low against the Canadian acorn Monday, continuing a downward trend that began in 2004 with the announcement of the imminent retirement of Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan and increasing inflation worries among investors.
Metal Council Convenes To Discuss 'Metal Hand Sign' Abuse #~# VATNAJÖKULL GLACIER, ICELAND—In an emergency session Tuesday, members of the Supreme Metal Council strongly condemned the increasing use of the metal hand sign in lay society, claiming that its meaning has become perverted by overuse.
'Now We Can Finally Put Civil Rights Behind Us' #~# DETROIT—Nearly 50 years ago, Rosa Parks made history by refusing to give her seat to a white man on a segregated public bus in Montgomery, AL. This week, following the passing of the woman known as "the mother of the civil-rights movement," Americans from every walk of life—regardless of race, gender, or creed—can finally put the subject of racial equality behind them, once and for all.
White House Ethics Class #~# In order to restore integrity to the image-damaged White House, President Bush is ordering his staff to take an ethics refresher course. What do you think? 
Top Al-Qaeda Escapee #~# It was recently announced that Omar al-Farouq, a top al-Qaeda operative, was among four prisoners to escape a U.S.-run prison in Afghanistan last July. What do you think?
Rioting Continues In Paris #~# The French police have taken 22 young people into custody after more than a week of riots in a northeastern suburb of Paris. What do you think?
Record Oil Prices, Record Oil Profits #~# In the face of record-high oil prices, oil companies made a record $35 billion in profits in the last financial quarter. What do you think?
Amid Controversy, NBA Announces Even Stricter Dress Code #~# NEW YORK—With the newly implemented dress code being met with criticism from players like Allen Iverson and Marcus Camby, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday that he will clarify any and all concerns by imposing an even stricter, more detailed code of dress and conduct so that players can more accurately follow it to the letter.
National Sex-Boat Industry Facing Financial Trouble #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Spokespeople for the waterborne-luxury-adult-tourism organization American Sex-Boat Owners Group said Wednesday that unknown factors have caused a sudden and perhaps catastrophic decline in sex-boat business. "We're not sure exactly what happened, as the late summer and early fall are usually our top earning seasons, especially in cities such as Oakland, Minneapolis, Dallas, and Atlanta," said ASOG board president Candace Greiling, whose 80-foot sex-yacht, the S.S. Ronald Mexico, was put into off-season dry-dock after several regular customers canceled cruises with almost no warning. "Captains and cruise directors alike are wondering if they'll have gainful, sexual, nautical employment next summer."  The ASOG did not give reasons for the falloff in business, but some speculate that a sudden inexplicable increase in moral behavior among young millionaires with ample free time may be to blame.
NBA Season Opens With Record Seven Scoreless Ties #~# NEW YORK—NBA officials are remaining quiet on the subject of the 2005-06 season's unusual opening week, in which seven games so far have opened with 0-0 ties. "I think that, despite what anyone may say about disappointing results, these games have proven that basketball can, in fact, be an exciting defense-oriented sport," Commissioner David Stern said during a press conference Thursday morning, after Wednesday's Milwaukee-New Jersey, New York-Boston, and Miami-Memphis contests ended with the score even at zero, exactly as in Tuesday's Milwaukee-Philadelphia and Dallas-Phoenix games. "I've talked to team owners and coaches, and while they're not happy with these final scores, the sudden increase in popularity among soccer-mad European and South American countries has made up for it somewhat." Stern had no comment on Tuesday's Denver-San Antonio game, in which the Nuggets shut out the defending champion Spurs 89-0.
Dems Force Closed Senate #~# Minority Leader Harry Reid called for a private Senate session Tuesday to demand an investigation into pre-war intelligence handling. What do you think?
November 2, 1994 #~# Republican Revolution Of ‘94: Everything’s Different Now
I Plan To Take Full Advantage Of The Upcoming Q&A With Howie Mandel #~# When I first heard that the DVD box set of Bobby's World was being released, I couldn't imagine more exciting news. Little did I know that, later that day, I would learn that the hilarious comedian who created the show, Howie Mandel, would be making a personal appearance at my local Sam Goody. And what's more, there was going to be a question-and-answer session.
There's A Nude Sheriff In Town #~# Howdy, pardners. The name's Gunderson. Sheriff Bill Gunderson. You might remember me from the unattirin' at Black Gulch or the full moon at high noon. That's right, one and the same. Well, I got a message for you all: If'n you're a wrongdoer what dons a single stitch, you best mosey along. You heard me right: There's a nude sheriff in town, and he's gonna stay put.
Floral Arrangement At Funeral Talked About More Than Deceased #~# CHICAGO—Although Ernest Quarles was a reasonably beloved member of his family, the floral arrangements at his Sunday funeral service dominated conversation during the post-funeral luncheon at the home of Quarles' niece, Carol Sands. "I had a nice talk with the pastor about how Ernie looked so natural amid all those pretty mums, tulips, and baby's breath," Sands said. "They were very nice. Not too showy, but still really quite pretty." Family members agreed that it was a tragedy that Ernest went the way he did, and that the Hawaiian daisies were probably just thrown out after the ceremony.
'Scooter' Libby Wishes He'd Ditched Nickname Before Media Coverage #~# WASHINGTON, DC—I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the indicted former chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney, wishes he had stopped answering to his nickname before it was featured so prominently in the news, he confided Monday. "Scooter's fine if it's just the president or Mr. Cheney," said Libby, whose involvement in the Valerie Plame case has made his name notorious. "But when I see it on CNN, I want to hide." If implicated in the Plame leak, Libby could face up to 30 years in a facility where he would almost certainly be given a new nickname.
New Custard Could Cause Worldwide Flandemic #~# ATLANTA—A recently discovered strain of custard could cause a worldwide flandemic, Centers For Dessert Control warned Monday. "We are warning people who come into contact with milk, egg yolks, sugar, and whole vanilla beans that they are at risk of concocting this custard," CDC director Paul Liddleston said. "All reports indicate that it is extremely non-resistible." Liddleston said the government's present reserve of dried tapioca is "useless" in combating a flandemic, and until a more effective vaccine is created, "the proof will be in the putting of containment teams in high-risk areas."
This So Typical Of Hemophiliac #~# TEMPE, AZ—Friends of Joshua Melman agreed Monday that the behavior displayed at the WildSlide Waterpark Sunday was "utterly typical" of the 19-year-old hemophiliac. "Before we can even go on one ride, Josh trips on his flip-flop and scuffs his toe on the cement," said Alex Schaeffer, who has had several outings ruined by Melman's congenital disease. "Would it kill the guy to clot once in a while?" Schaeffer added that the water-park debacle was worse than the time they played paintball, but not as bad as the lap-dance incident.
Hanukkah Decorations Being Defaced Earlier Every Year #~# NEW YORK—A report released Monday by the Anti-Defamation League confirmed the widely held perception that Hanukkah decorations are being vandalized earlier every season. "Today, we're seeing Stars of David spray-painted with swastikas before the leaves have even fallen," said ADL spokesman Avi Mendenhall. "Our research shows that, even as recently as a decade ago, a menorah wouldn't be toppled over until well after Thanksgiving." The report noted that many shopping malls have, in recent years, begun playing anti-Semitic carols just days after Halloween.
Bush Orders Mass Bald Eagle Slaughter To Stop Spread Of Bird Flu #~# WASHINGTON, DC—As experts issue increasingly dire warnings of an avian flu epidemic, President Bush signed an executive order Tuesday authorizing the mass slaughter of "all bald eagles found anywhere within our borders."
TV-News Graphics Guy Gives Weatherman On-Air Surprise #~# OKLAHOMA CITY, OK—On the surface, the newsroom of local NBC affiliate KFOR appears to be quite serious. But that doesn't mean the Live At Five news team doesn't know how to have some fun from time to time, as viewers learned Monday night.
Night On Town Fails To Rekindle Fading Business Relationship #~# AUSTIN, TX—Hopes of reviving a once-thriving business partnership were dashed Monday when a night on the town only served to remind local entrepreneurs Terry Argento, 33, and B.J. Dreschler, 37, why they initially parted.
Iraqi Constitution Ratified, Burned #~# BAGHDAD—The people of Iraq celebrated the passage of their new constitution Monday, in a formal ceremony that included a stirring speech by Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, a series of explosions that left 77 dead, and a traditional dance performed by Iraqi schoolchildren.
Alito Nominated #~# President Bush nominated conservative Judge Samuel Alito as a replacement for Justice Sandra Day O’Connor on the Supreme Court. What do you think?
FBI Probe Problems #~# Recent analysis of FBI documents indicates that the bureau has abused its powers of surveillance since Sept. 11th, 2001. What do you think?
Saturn Probe To Be Biggest Story Of The Year #~# PASADENA, CA—A mere two weeks into the New Year, already what will undoubtedly be the biggest story of the year will have taken place: the upcoming Jan. 14 landing of the Huygens space probe on Titan, Saturn's immense moon. "The probe could impart invaluable clues about the evolution of our own planet, as Titan is the only moon in our solar system with a fully developed atmosphere," Jet Propulsion Laboratory spokesperson Dr. Gregory Bloom said. "Meanwhile, the Cassini orbiter will continue to photograph Saturn's other moons throughout the year, delivering what will assuredly be dazzling views, and possibly revealing more lunar atmospheres, or even new moons. It's exhilarating to be living in these incredible times." Asked whether the spacecraft's four-year tour of the Saturnian system might tell us more about how Saturn's rings were formed, Bloom became coy, saying, "You'll just have to wait until May, when Cassini will begin using radio occultation to estimate the size-distribution of ring particles." 
Well-Rested Bush At The Top Of His Game #~# CRAWFORD, TX—Fit, trim, confident in his power base, and above all well-rested following a four-week, three-day vacation at his Crawford ranch, President Bush is currently in the prime of his presidential form, pundits say. "Our leader is pumped and primed following his well-earned time off from the economy and the war in Iraq," commentator Sean Hannity said on his radio show Monday. "He is ready to do whatever this nation requires of him—delegating responsibility to capable people, winning a war, rallying citizens around him in the aftermath of a disaster—whatever may come." Bush had originally planned to extend his vacation, as eminently qualified FEMA head Michael Brown is assumed to be taking charge of a routine hurricane in New Orleans.
April Comes To A Close #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Experts at the Naval Observatory report that April, as it has every year at this time since records were kept, is progressing to an end. "We have had 26 perfectly acceptable diurnal periods, or 'days,' of April thus far," said NOAA meteorologist Carl Whittaker. "And we anticipate exactly four more before the immediate beginning of May. Please adjust all analog and digital temporal recording devices appropriately." Whittaker also noted that, for laymen, May would progress in much the same fashion as April, excepting the addition of a 31st day which is traditionally appended at the month's conclusion.
Deep Fruit Revealed To Be Charles Nelson Reilly #~# NEW YORK—The identity of Deep Fruit, the source that brought down a studio audience in the Waterblank scandal in 1973, was revealed to be actor and Match Game panelist Charles Nelson Reilly, in an article published in Vanity Fair today. "More than any other American game-show event of the '70s, the mystery of Deep Fruit held the nation captive," said Lynn Rayburn, the daughter of deceased Match Game host Gene Rayburn. "Through his repartee with my father and fellow panelist Brett Somers, Charles was the one responsible for filling in the blanks and doing justice to one-liners which would have otherwise gotten away without double-entendres. Very few men can claim the title of hero like he did." The announcement came as a surprise to the game-show-conspiracy community, which had theorized for years that Deep Fruit was Paul Lynde.
Natalee Holloway Makes New Year's Resolution To Become Famous #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—At a quiet New Year's Eve party with friends, Mountain Brook High School senior Natalee Holloway made a resolution to be famous before the end of the calendar year. "I may just be an 18-year-old with my whole life ahead of me, but mark my words, I'm going to capture the public's attention in a big way," Holloway said. "I don't need to be rich, powerful, smart, or important—I just want to be famous. And I would like to use my fame to help others become famous—people like Nancy Grace, who is sadly underutilized on her sole program, Court TV's Closing Arguments." Holloway's mother Beth Twitty immediately joined in with a resolution of her own to tirelessly bolster her daughter's fame "on every news magazine show" if she has to.
Hopes For 2006 #~# What are your biggest hopes for 2006?
Brain-Dead Americans Defend Brain-Dead Florida Woman #~# PINELLAS PARK, FL—The plight of Terri Schiavo, whose brain, according to doctors, has been mostly "non-sentient" and "liquids in suspension" since her heart stopped for five minutes in February of 1990, has come to the attention of Americans whose brains have been mostly sentiment and superstition for most of their lives. "We're staying here to show our support for Terri," said a born-again Christian protester, who, like Schiavo, is capable of virtually no independent cranial activity. "Her husband and those judges can use cold, calculating reason all they like—but we know in our hearts that Terri can hear us." The protesters, who are holding a vigil outside Schiavo's hospice as family members battle in the courts over the removal of her feeding tube, have said that they will take their appeal to sympathetic brain-dead members of Congress if necessary.
Public Calls For Formation Of Some Sort Of Federal Administration To Manage Emergencies #~# NEW ORLEANS (Sept. 7)—In the wake of Hurricane Katrina's devastation of the Gulf Coast, Americans are demanding that President Bush sign an executive order that would create a government agency to assist citizens affected by disasters. "Clearly, there is a pressing need for some kind of federal agency to manage these types of emergencies," New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin said. "A federal emergency management administration, if you will." Nagin added that this organization's purpose could dovetail with another federal agency intended to secure the U.S. homeland, if such a thing existed.
Michael Jackson's Reputation For Punctuality In Ruins #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA (Mar. 11)—Michael Jackson, the one-time "King Of Pop," had his well-established reputation for punctuality tarnished Friday when he arrived late to face charges that he touched a child inappropriately in 2003. "Prior to this, Michael Jackson had the world on a string," Rolling Stone contributing editor Touré said. "But after this flagrant disregard for other people's time, no one will want to work with him." Jackson's public image may have suffered the worst blow since he wore mismatched socks while dangling his baby from a balcony in Germany.
Public Outraged As Price Of Fast-Depleting, Non-Renewable Resource Skyrockets #~# ATLANTA (Oct. 12)—Americans are expressing their outrage at the soaring price of the non-renewable resource gasoline from the passenger seats of their vehicles across the country. "America means having a right to cheap gas without having to say please," said Augusta, GA resident George Rizner, idling in his Hummer H2 in a protest near the Georgia State Capitol. "What are we supposed to do, walk?" Rizner then did doughnuts in a nearby parking ramp until his vehicle stalled. The public continues to express similar frustration at long lines at gas pumps, constant and disruptive road construction, and increasing traffic gridlock, insisting that all these problems can be easily solved with more and cheaper gasoline.
Media Ignores Cancer Struggle Of Champion Unicyclist #~# KEY WEST, FL (July 26)—While seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong's battle with cancer has been well-covered in the media, his counterpart in the more insular world of unicycling has garnered very little attention. "Three-time Tour de Farce champion Nick Ienatsch's battle with mouth cancer is no less real than Armstrong's, and he should be considered just as powerful a symbol of triumph," said Mitch Boehm, editor-in-chief of Unicyclist magazine and Ienatsch's biographer. "He may be a wobblier, somewhat less-dignified symbol, but inarguably, one of hope." Ienatsch, known for his brash, outspoken manner and his smokeless-tobacco sponsorship, claims he is not a hero. "I'm just fighting cancer as any other human-powered-vehicle enthusiast would," he said. "Be he bicyclist, unicyclist, recumbent bicyclist, or pogoist."
Bush Elected President Of Iraq #~# BAGHDAD—In a vast outpouring of gratitude to the man they call "Our Great Savior From The West," the people of Iraq flooded the polls during yesterday's first free elections, voting overwhelmingly for President George W. Bush as their first democratically elected leader.
White House Celebrates Fifth Straight Year Without Oral Sex #~# WASHINGTON, DC—With 2005 drawing to a close, the White House held a special ceremony in the East Room Saturday to commemorate its fifth year without any sort of oral-genital contact within its historic confines. "This administration has upheld its promise to restore dignity to the White House," President Bush said. "I can assure that no one—including myself, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, 'Scooter' Libby, or Condi Rice—has been the recipient, or provider, of the kind of unnatural, depraved, and frankly gross sexual act that, not too long ago, disgraced this office in the eyes of the world." Bush was then joined on stage by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) and Tom DeLay to cut a perfectly square, frostingless vanilla cake made especially for the occasion.
Cloned Cheney Lacks Charm Of Original #~# WASHINGTON, DC (May 4)—According to Beltway insiders, the new adult clone of Dick Cheney, recently created and accelerated to replace the ailing vice president, lacks the unique style and gruff charm of the original. "The voice is the same, the look and attitude is the same, but when the original Cheney stabbed your hand to the table with a ballpoint pen during a Cabinet meeting, it was because he meant it," said White House intern Chester Clem. "With Cheney1, there's no soul in it." Cheney himself, though on life-support at Walter Reed Army Hospital, is reportedly dissatisfied with the clone, and has demanded that his brain be immediately transplanted into the body of 25-year-old German Olympic swimmer Chris Hauth.
Theory Of Intelligent School-Board Design Disproven #~# DOVER, PA—The controversial "theory of intelligent school-board design," which holds that local school boards are "imbued by their creator with minds of irreducible complexity," was decisively disproven by the actions of the Dover School Board this week. "The ignorant and incompetent decisions of this school board clearly indicate that their opinions are not informed by any sort of higher intelligence," said Dover citizen Hank Jervis, one of thousands of locals currently mobilizing to oust the current school board in the next scheduled elections. "Obviously, there is no all-knowing, all-powerful superintendent guiding their demonstrably incorrect policies." Critics of the theory argue that the new evidence supports the alternate view that school boards, instead of being created perfect and without error, rather evolved over the eons out of a morass of political, social, and religious special-interest groups, some of which are better-suited to adapt to change than others.
Asian Tsunami, Hurricane Katrina, Kashmir Earthquake Battle For Natural Disasty Award #~# LOS ANGELES—In a night destined to provide "major upsets in the natural order," three of the biggest stars of the weather, pestilence or general phenomenon community will battle it out Friday for the title of Best Disaster of 2005. "Even though Katrina's casualty count wasn't as high as the South Asian tsunami, it possibly spelled the demise of an entire American city," said Rolling Stone writer and cultural commentator Touré. "And since it appears that the Kashmir earthquake's strategy of playing to critics late in the season backfired, it looks like the hurricane definitely has the edge to win the Disasty."  Touré added that Kashmir's earthquake had a virtual lock on the Lifetaking Achievement Award.
NASA Announces Future Shuttle Launches Will Be Sudden And Without Warning #~# CAPE CANAVAREL, FL (Aug. 18)—NASA Administrator Michael Griffin announced during a press conference Thursday that the space-shuttle program would address criticisms about delays and setbacks by placing the shuttles on unannounced and impromptu missions. "Those who believe we lack initiative will be happy to learn that, from now on, we go at the drop of a hat," Griffin said. "Whatever experiments are on board when the engines start, those are the ones we do. Astronauts will be permanently quartered in the ready room, and will be notified when they hear the countdown start at, say, 20. It's part of NASA's exciting new…" The rest of Griffin's announcement was inaudible in the overwhelming sound of the Shuttle Discovery, whose crew decided to launch during his speech.
Losing Super Bowl Team Gets Locker-Room Condolence Call From John Kerry #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Battered and demoralized after their 24-21 defeat at the hands of the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XXXIX Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles had their mood reinforced by a locker-room call from defeated presidential challenger John Kerry. "What'd we talk about? Oh, you know, losing the biggest game of all against a national audience, most of whom didn't really care anyway," said Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, who like Kerry had a less-than-stellar showing. "And how hard it is to watch those smug, self-satisfied, so-called Patriots strut around like peacocks afterwards. I could relate." Kerry also gave the Eagles advice on keeping their team's game plan from becoming muddled and inconsistent, and showing decisive leadership in the wake of a big loss.
Prince Charles Weds Longtime Horse #~# LONDON—After a very public, highly scrutinized courtship, Prince Charles wed his horse of over three decades in a quiet civil ceremony at the Guildhall in Windsor Sunday. “Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth wishes to express her joy that His Royal Highness The Prince Of Wales has, at long last, found true connubial happiness,” read a statement released by Buckingham Palace. “Her Majesty is happier still to announce that the new Duchess Of Cornwall possesses a strong carriage, healthy teeth, and an unimpeachable bloodline.” Following the ceremony, the reclusive couple retreated to the Birkhall Estate near Balmoral Castle in Scotland, where they celebrated their new union by posing for photographs and going for a brisk trot in the courtyard.
Pitt, Aniston To Quietly Separate #~# LOS ANGELES—Hollywood couple Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are quietly separating, Pitt’s publicist Cindy Guagenti said Friday. “After seven years together, Brad and Jennifer have decided to separate, without a lot of fuss,” said Guagenti in a fax quietly forwarded to major media outlets. “They understand that there might be some level of media curiosity, but would appreciate a measure of restraint, as both are modest and reclusive people who treasure their privacy.” Out of respect for Pitt and Aniston’s feelings, entertainment journalists have agreed not to cover the story, but Star magazine has published rumors that Pitt might have begun an acquaintanceship with the daughter of a well-known Hollywood actor.
North Korea Nukes Self In Desperate Plea For Attention #~# PYONGYANG—Frustrated that its megalomaniacal outbursts no longer inspire fear and panic in the international community, the nation of North Korea detonated all six of its nuclear warheads early Thursday morning, killing 32 million in what international observers are calling "a pathetic bid for attention."
Thousands Of New Orleans Households Still Without Political Power #~# NEW ORLEANS (Dec. 18)—Nearly four months since Hurricane Katrina hit ground along the Central Gulf Coast, 40 percent of New Orleans households remain powerless. "We are dealing with a superstructure created more than two centuries ago," government spokesman Jason Packer told powerless residents of New Orleans' still-dark 9th Ward. "Unfortunately, there is no connection we can repair to bring any of you political power at this time, but we are hoping to correct this sometime over the next 50 to 100 years." Packer added that the blame really does not rest with him, as many of Katrina's victims have been powerless for as many as six generations.
Pope Died As He Lived: Propped Up For Public Viewing #~# VATICAN CITY—Pope John Paul II—whose tremendous faith, courage, and ability to be positioned inspired millions of Catholics worldwide—died this week as he lived: propped up for public viewing. "Whether wedged into the glass confines of his custom-made vehicle or placed, often unknowingly, on the balcony of St. Peter's Basilica, Pope John Paul was a stirring symbol of peace, beloved for being put on display before thousands of adoring followers," Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger said Thursday.  "While Pope John Paul II, the man, may have passed on, we must never forget what he, with the help of assistants gripping him by the upper arms, stood for." To the faithful, Pope John Paul II was a figurehead who can never be replaced, except by whichever figurehead is chosen to stand in his place.
Is Wikipedia Unreliable? #~# An incident in which a former Tennessee publisher was linked to the Kennedy assassination on Wikipedia has called the accuracy of the user-edited website into question. What do you think?
Bin Laden Not In Control? #~# According to the U.S. envoy to Pakistan, Osama bin Laden may no longer be in control of al-Qaeda. What do you think?
Killer Asteroid In 2036? #~# Apopohis, an asteroid that measures over a quarter-mile wide, may be on course to hit Earth with the force of 100,000 Hiroshima-sized atomic blasts in 2036. What do you think?
Rosa Parks Not Really Honored By New Bus Depot #~# DETROIT (Nov. 4)—The Detroit Department of Transportation announced Monday that it attempted to honor the memory of civil-rights pioneer and hometown hero Rosa Parks by naming a new downtown bus depot after her. "We believe that the Rosa Parks Transit Center is a fitting tribute to a woman who came to epitomize courage and principle," Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick said at the depot’s groundbreaking. "Although, come to think of it, no one wants to have their name associated with a grimy bus depot, much less spend five minutes there." A contrite City Council is expected to propose a simple statue in the downtown area after more careful consideration.
Congress' Pre-Christmas Cuts #~# The House recently voted to cut $1.6 billion in social-program spending right before Christmas. What do you think?
How Very Special #~# I don't have to tell you Jeanketeers that Christmas is just around the corner, which means it's time for—you got it—TV Christmas specials. Even though I eagerly welcome the return of trusty old Rudolph and Frosty (who doesn't?), there's one type of special that's missing these days, and that's the old variety-show type with real singers and dancers. You know, like Andy Williams and Perry Como. Maybe some of you old-timers out there (don't worry, I won't give away your ages!!) remember the days when big music stars weren't too "cool" to wear red sweaters, drink steaming hot chocolate, and welcome a children's choir into their ski lodge.
Texas Governor Legalizes Previously Banned Wrestling Move #~# AUSTIN,TX—In a controversial move to approve a controversial move, the Texas State Senate voted 18-13 Monday to reverse a ban on the Turnbuckle Vertebreaker for use in professional and amateur wrestling. "Although it's indeed a devastating move, it is not fair to allow a 'juiced' Dirty Clothesline and the Rammer Jammer Elbow Hammer with no suitable answering maneuver," said Gov. Rick Perry after signing the Vertebreaker into law Monday. "I believe that this alternative is preferable to folding chairs, barbwire crowbars, or tagging [WWE wrestler] Kane into the ring for assistance." Without warning, Perry then executed a full Vertebreaker on journalist Molly Ivins, who was covering the event for The New York Times. 
Dental Hygienist Sick Of Being Lied To #~# MUNDELEIN, IL—Dawn Roycroft, a 38-year-old dental hygienist at the Park Court Mall Dental Center, said Monday that she can no longer tolerate the half-truths and outright fabrications she is exposed to hourly. "Their lips tell of daily flossing, but their gums impart a far different tale," Roycroft said. "I became a dental hygienist in order to earn a decent living, clean teeth, and make small talk, not to play confessor to unscrupulous fabulists and prevaricators." Roycroft asked the public to be candid about their dietary and brushing habits, as denial of unchecked gum-chewing and soda-drinking is "but a house built on shifting sands."
Where Are All These 'Loose Women' My Pastor Keeps Warning Me About? #~# I've lived in Clearburg my whole life, and I've been attending services at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church for about as long as I can remember. I know my Bible stories, because Mom and Dad saw to it that they raised me right. I figure I'm about as faithful of a 17-year-old high-school kid as there ever was. There's one thing I don't understand, though: It seems like practically every week, Pastor Clayman goes off again about the dangers of harlots and jezebels, and how I shouldn't allow them to tempt me away from the path of the righteous. But as far as I can tell, I've never met a so-called "loose woman." I'm starting to get really curious about where they're all supposed to be.
Coal Now Too Expensive To Put In Christmas Stockings #~# CHICAGO—With winter's onset driving the demand for surface coal to record-high levels, the mineral's cost is now beyond the reach of low- and middle-income Americans who wish to punish their naughty children. "Coal in one's stocking is meant to serve as an admonishment or warning, not as a dependable grade-B investment," said William Menchell, a commodities adviser for T. Rowe Price. "In today's market, children should only have their stockings stuffed with lumps of coal if they have been studious and obedient, and show an interest in long-term investments in the energy sector." For more affordable punitive options, analysts point to the relatively stagnant switch market, which could soon go the way of coal if demand increases for combustible wooden sticks.
CIA Chief Admits To Torture After Six-Hour Beating, Electrocution #~# LANGLEY, VA—An internal CIA investigation into the possible use of illegal and inhumane interrogation techniques produced a confession from CIA director Porter Goss Monday, with the aid of waterboarding, food and light deprivation, and the application of wire hangers hooked to a car battery to the testicles. "I did it. We did it. We all did it. The president knew. The president did it. Please, God, please stop," said a voice identified as Goss' on recordings produced by CIA auditors. "Stop, please stop. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. The president won't do it again. Please let me die." Critics of the methods used to obtain the information continue to claim that torture is an ineffective means of obtaining intelligence, pointing out that Goss did not sound sorry. 
Stuntman Typecast As Guy Who Falls From Balcony Onto Table #~# LOS ANGELES—Billy Atchley's prodigious fall from a balcony onto a table in a 1997 episode of Walker, Texas Ranger launched a successful career—one which has included falls in Westerns, romantic comedies, and historical epics. However, the 32-year-old stuntman said Monday that he feels suffocated artistically. 
Rove Implicated In Santa Identity Leak #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The recent leak revealing Santa Claus to be "your mommy and daddy" has been linked to President Bush's senior political adviser and deputy chief of staff Karl Rove. 
U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy #~# BAGHDAD—Citing the Bush Administration's ongoing refusal to provide a timetable for withdrawal, the U.S. troops stationed in Iraq have devised their own exit strategy.
Rising Home-Heating Costs Hitting Reptile Families Hardest #~# CHICAGO—With government figures indicating double-digit home-heating cost increases in coming months, America's reptilian citizens are warning that, unless swift measures are taken to provide them with adequate warmth, many will face serious metabolic crises this winter.
Michael Schiavo Starts PAC #~# Michael Schiavo, husband of the late Terri Schiavo, is starting a political action committee that will challenge candidates based on where they stand on government's reach in private lives. What do you think?
Howard Stern Leaves The Air #~# Howard Stern's last show on conventional radio aired last Friday, as he will make the jump to Sirius Satellite Radio in early 2006.  What do you think?
December 23, 1997 #~# Clinton, Paula Jones Square Off On ‘Jerry Springer’
Gay Cowboy Film Buzz #~# Brokeback Mountain, Ang Lee's controversial gay cowboy film, is generating Oscar buzz. What do you think?
Race Riots In Australia #~# This week saw race riots raging around Sydney, Australia, after white supremacists stormed the beaches and beat suspected Arabs. What do you think?
Bob Knight Tells Reporters He Wants You Dead #~# LUBBOCK, TX—Temperamental Red Raiders basketball coach Bob Knight, whose violent outbursts have often overshadowed his teams' accomplishments, is at the center of controversy after announcing at a press conference Tuesday that he wants you dead. "Dead, do you hear me?" Knight said to reporters who asked for clarification. "Dead dead dead. I don't care how. But I said dead and I meant dead… I said the name loud enough, didn't I? Well, I want that person to die. And you too, you damn parasite." The Texas Tech athletic department issued a statement to you later that day claiming that Knight, whose Red Raiders are off to an underwhelming 6-4 start, "felt he needs to shake things up a bit"; that the coach "has never ruled out murdering his players alongside you if their attitude does not improve"; and that you are "no better than a dead man" if the notoriously fanatic Red Raider booster club was told of Knight's statement. Lubbock police officers likewise warn you to flee and regret their inability to protect you, as they are currently engaged in the search for Knight's son and assistant coach, Pat Knight, who was last seen alive with his father during Texas Tech's 68-53 loss to Louisiana Tech last Wednesday.
Per Promoter's Request, Boxer Amends Promise Of First-Round Knockout #~# BERLIN—At the request of event sponsors as well as his promoter Don King, World Boxing Association heavyweight champion John Ruiz has backed off his earlier guarantee of a "lights-out, no-contest, 25-second drubbing" of challenger Nicolay Valuev in this weekend's title bout. "When I said that I would make short, uninteresting work of my opponent, I failed to take into account Valuev's 325-pound frame, his world-famous endurance, and the fact that fans are paying to see a good, clean, back-and-forth, multi-round fight during which many advertisements can be shown," Ruiz said. "I promise that, after many surprising second winds on both our parts and some shocking punches that I'll be on the giving and receiving end of, this will be a fulfilling, enjoyable battle, no matter who wins." Ruiz is expected to hold yet another press conference Friday to revise his new pledge that the "fight will continue for the duration of the 12 rounds, at which point the better man will win on points."
Seahawks RB Shaun Alexander Closing In On NFL's Increasingly Devalued Single-Season Touchdown Record #~# SEATTLE—Shaun Alexander needs only five touchdowns to break the NFL's single-season record of 27, a mark set by Priest Holmes in 2003 and one that has become more meaningless each year since Emmitt Smith scored 25 during the 1995 season. "Shaun is having an amazing year, and should also be moderately satisfied that he's come this close to breaking one of the most increasingly attainable records in all of sports," said Sports Illustrated football analyst Peter King. "But as great as Alexander is—fast, physical, durable, the total package—you have to give equal credit to the Seahawk's lousy passing offense, a league-wide plague of conservative and unimaginative game plans, and a universal talent drought at the linebacker and safety positions. Five years from now, someone will score 33 touchdowns, and their one-dimensional team will lose in the playoffs, too." King added that, although an impressive 30 touchdowns would see Alexander break Paul Hornung's 45-year-old single season-scoring record, contemporary teams do in fact play four more games a year. 
Onion Sports Year In Review: Team Sports #~# Click Here To Read The Top Individual-Sports Highlights Of 2005
Onion Sports Year In Review: Individual Sports #~# Click Here To Read The Top Team-Sports Highlights Of 2005
Iraqis Head To Polls #~# Iraqi parliament elections are occurring today. What do you think?
And Now For Some... Amusement #~# After all the times you have thwarted me… After all the times my plans for world domination were foiled by your meddlesome interference… After all the countless times you escaped at the very last moment, finally, I, Gorzo The Mighty, have defeated you, Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000! 
I'd Love This Product Even If I Weren't A Stealth Marketer #~# Like you, I'm bombarded every minute of every day with advertising. And having been misled more than a few times in my life, I'm immediately skeptical of any product I see on the side of a bus. That's why I was so surprised by the new Mountain Dew True Blue.
Autopsy Reveals Subject Was Still Alive When Autopsy Began #~# MERIWETHER, MT—County coroner James Hextall announced Monday that a thorough autopsy of C. W. Milodragovitch, a local tavern owner pulled from an automobile accident last Saturday night, revealed that the man had been alive at the start of the autopsy. "Our findings reveal that Mr. Milodragovitch lost a great deal of blood from a very deep Y-shaped incision in his torso, which extended from his shoulders to the pubic bone," Hextall said. "There is also evidence of defensive wounds on the fingers, most likely produced from fighting off a scalpel, and the wrists show ligature abrasions where the subject resisted being restrained to an examination table and having his still-beating heart removed and weighed." The sheriff's office has ruled the death an accident pending an autopsy.
China Slaughters Population To Control Flu Outbreak #~# BEIJING—Chinese health officials entered a new phase of their bird-flu-containment campaign Monday by slaughtering all non-essential personnel, the Xinhua News Agency reported. "This weekend, we placed into bleach-filled plastic bags, asphyxiated, and then incinerated all 15 million residents of Beijing who may have come into contact with birds or the air through which birds have flown," Vice Minister of Agriculture Zhang Baowen said. "We are also asking the World Health Organization for additional help in eliminating the human-borne vector of this virus." Plans to connect the remaining 1.3 billion potentially infected citizens to high-voltage power lines extending from the Three Gorges hydroelectric dam will commence within the week.
Pat Robertson Says Pie Not Delicious #~# VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Televangelist Pat Robertson, who recently condemned the town of Dover, PA for accepting evolution and called for the assassination of leftist Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, said during a Sunday broadcast of The 700 Club that pie is not delicious. "Pie is a corrupt and foul-tasting pastry-covered baked-fruit abomination that shall turn to ashes in the mouth of the misled eater," Robertson said during his 11-minute anti-pie tirade. "The pious eat not the pie, knowing it an unclean thing, nor the crust, nor the filling. Get thee behind me, pie!" Stunned 700 Club viewer Melody Blaker of Houston told reporters that that the evangelist had "abandoned common sense."
Santa Signs Legislation To Help Special-Wants Children #~# NORTH POLE—Kristofer Kringle, an international toy distributor popularly known as "Santa Claus," approved elf-penned legislation Monday that grants greater benefits to often-neglected "special wants" children. "Old policies failed to reward the world's children for dreaming big, but no longer—children with special or unusual wants shall see them all fulfilled on Christmas morning," Kringle said, in an announcement met with strong support from parents of the developmentally entitled. "My children were all born with special wants," said Glenda Froman, mother of three. "After years of whiny suffering, they'll finally have their wish: Xbox 360s in every room, matching ponies, and a rocket-powered bicycle they're allowed to fly inside the house."
Weather-Weary Nation Not Surprised By Forecast Of Blood Storms #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A National Weather Service advisory predicting that graphic blood storms will touch ground in the southern U.S.  Wednesday is being met with numb resignation by weather-weary Americans.
Dope Just Galumphing Where Life Takes Him #~# SPIRIT LAKE, IA—On an ordinary day, amiable dim-bulb Jeff Koegle wanders into many places: his den, the bowling alley, maybe the local Spee-D-Kustard, which is only a three-block dawdle from his house. For as long as anyone in Spirit Lake can remember, this burly goof has schlepped along the road of life with neither purpose nor reason.
New Video Game Designed To Have No Influence On Kids' Behavior #~# NEW YORK— Electronic-entertainment giant Take-Two Interactive, parent company of Grand Theft Auto series creator Rockstar Games, released Stacker Tuesday, a first-person vertical-crate-arranger guaranteed not to influence young people's behavior in any way. 
Activist Judge Cancels Christmas #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of Christmas unconstitutional Monday.
ID Critic Beaten #~# Professor Paul Mirecki, head of the University of Kansas' Religious Studies Department, was severely beaten recently by individuals who objected to his views against intelligent design. What do you think?
Patriot Act Renewed #~# The House and Senate have reached a deal to re-authorize the Patriot Act. What do you think?
British Recognize Gay Unions #~# Gay "civil partnerships" will be legally recognized in Great Britain later this month. What do you think?
9/11 Commission Let Down #~# In their final report, the 9/11 Commission said they were disappointed by the government response to their recommendations. What do you think?
Undefeated Colts To Play Football's Harlem Globetrotters #~# INDIANAPOLIS—The Indianapolis Colts, after building a perfect 12-0 record so far this season and expecting perhaps only the Seattle Seahawks to pose a major challenge before the playoffs, were shocked and outraged by Tuesday's announcement from NFL head offices that their opponent this Sunday would not be the Jacksonville Jaguars, but the NFL's most explosive and unpredictable franchise: pro football's Harlem Globetrotters. 
Larry Brown Promises Knicks Will Make Playoffs In Some League #~# NEW YORK—Larry Brown, whose Knicks are currently struggling in the National Basketball Association, vowed that his team will make the playoffs, though he is "not yet sure where." "My guys are all very versatile athletes, and although I know they prefer basketball, the NBA is very competitive this year. Even if it means playing a whole new sport for the rest of the season, I have faith that my team can make it to a postseason," said Brown, who has a reputation for getting his team to "play the right way," and claims he knows how to play soccer and Australian-style football the right way, too. "I think that the MLS or the World Rugby League would be a particularly good fit for the Knicks, and give New York an excellent shot at some kind of national, international, or state championship. Don't count us out—we'll still be around come June, October, March, or January, depending." Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury said he will do anything to finally get a ring, trophy, cup, or plaque, just as long as he doesn't have to play point guard.
Indians Meet With Trevor Hoffman, Forget To Offer Contract #~# CLEVELAND—Despite spending two full days this past weekend with Trevor Hoffman, Indians GM Mark Shapiro admitted that, although the ultimate goal of the experience was to sign the free-agent closer for the 2006 season, the plan to make a formal contract offer completely slipped his mind. "I went to Trevor's hometown of Del Mar, CA Saturday thinking nothing but 'two years, $14 million,' but once I got there and met [his wife] Tracy and the kids—wonderful people, by the way—any thought of money was gone before I even tasted Tracy's homemade meat loaf, which was just delicious," said Shapiro, who then traveled with Hoffman to Cleveland, where the pair took in a Browns game, visited the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, and had dinner and a four-hour conversation at the famous Blue Point Grill. "Once we started talking, the evening just flew by. We're both very interested in baseball, and Trevor had some great stories from the '98 World Series that I could've listened to all night long. Really evocative storyteller." Shapiro was afforded one last opportunity to make the deal when he sat next to Hoffman on their two-hour flight from Cleveland to the winter GM meetings in Dallas, but Shapiro said he spent the trip listening to his iPod and catching up on some much-needed sleep.
Lennon, 25 Years Gone #~# Today marks the 25th anniversary of the death of John Lennon. What do you think?
My Songs About Topsoil Say What I Can't #~# I'm not much of a talker. Never have been. But that doesn't mean I don't have a lot to say. It's just that, sometimes, I can't communicate what I'm trying to say with just words. I guess that's just how I am.
No Machine Can Do My Job As Resentfully As I Can #~# In today's increasingly mechanized world, where the bottom line so often takes precedence over human considerations, the working man never knows how long it will be before he is replaced by a machine. It's no secret that some in management at Gillian's Fish Products, where I work, feel that automation would improve productivity and quality control. But what they don't understand is that they will lose something far more valuable if employees are let go: the resentful human touch.
'Employees Must Wash Hands' Signs Top Iraqi Hospital Wish List #~# MAHMOUDIYA, IRAQ—As the tumultuous process of reconstruction continues throughout Iraq,  health-care workers are still lacking the basic necessities. "Before anything else at all, we need a supply of new, bilingual 'Employees Must Wash Hands' signs," said Youssef Al-Obaidi, director of Mahmoudiya Hospital. "We appreciate the bedding, laundry-sanitization equipment, window glass, penicillin, needles, wall-repair materials, and so on, but without clean hands, none of these mean anything." Al-Obaidi said the importance of hand-washing could not, unlike doctors and nurses, be overstressed.
Goldfish Can't Stand Bowlmate #~# INNISKILL, RI—Sonny Jim, a 9-month-old goldfish, can no longer tolerate his bowlmate, 9-month-old goldfish Sally. "Always hanging out at the top of the bowl, looking for food, just waiting, blocking the light," Sonny Jim said Monday. "Never moves. Just eats and craps and does that annoying thing with his mouth. Unless I want to go in the castle. Then, bam! Sally's right there hogging the whole thing. Also, 'Sally?' A guy. What's with that?" The beleaguered miniature carp said he would prefer rooming with a "psychotic betta fish" and wouldn't care if Sally jumped out of the bowl.
More Americans Falling For 'Get Rich Slowly Over A Lifetime Of Hard Work' Schemes #~# OMAHA, NE—A report released Monday by the Omaha-based public-interest group Aurora indicates that increasing numbers of Americans are being defrauded by schemes that offer financial reward for a lifetime of hard work. "People don't realize that long-term savings and loyalty to one company don't pan out," said Sylvia Girouard, the study's author. Girouard added that steady employment which claims to offer long-term financial gain in the form of a pension plan is nothing more than an elaborate Ponzi scheme.
New Book Written From Perspective Of Gargamel #~# NEW YORK—Gregory Maguire, author of Wicked, the story of Oz told from the Wicked Witch's perspective, has completed a novel told from the point of view of the Smurf-hating sorcerer Gargamel. "I thought this much-maligned man worthy of closer scrutiny, perhaps even sympathy," Maguire said. "His lust for the Smurfs' gold can't entirely explain his actions. His creation of Smurfette, his uneasy partnership with Azrael, his possibly forbidden feelings for his assistant Scruple—there's definitely more than meets the eye." HarperCollins will release I Hate Those Smurfs…? in February.
Alcoholic Kindergarten Teacher Stretches Naptime To Three Hours #~# IRVING, TX—Following a tiring weekend, kindergarten teacher and self-described "party girl" Jeanie Rigby, 29, extended the naptime at Irving KinderKare to three hours Monday. "Let's get those nap pads out, kids," Rigby said in what her students described as "an extra-hushy indoor voice." "Quiet time now, so you get your rest and Ms. Rigby gets her juice." Kindergarteners who only pretended to sleep later said they were pretty sure that Rigby was not faking her own nap.
December 6, 1933 #~# 18th Amendment Repealed; Could Alcohol Cure Nation’s Depression?
Report: U.S. Coupon Wealth Largely Untapped #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Billions of dollars of coupon savings are wasted every year, and Americans are missing out on countless money-saving opportunities, according to a report issued by the federal Department Of Consumer Savings. 
Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Telephone logs recorded by the National Security Agency and obtained by Congress as part of an ongoing investigation suggest that the vice president may have used the Oval Office intercom system to address President Bush at crucial moments, giving categorical directives in a voice the president believed to be that of God. 
Area Cherokee In Violation Of Indian Removal Act Of 1830 #~# DAHLONEGA, GA—Authorities issued a warrant for the arrest and forced relocation of local carpenter and half-blooded Cherokee Indian Jonathan Palmer Monday, when he was found to be in violation of the federal Indian Removal Act of 1830.
Rest Of U2 Perfectly Fine With Africans Starving #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Rock band U2, currently on tour in North America, is well-known for its human-rights advocacy, particularly its ongoing campaign to eradicate poverty in Africa. Less known to fans of the Irish supergroup, however, is that the lion's share of these efforts are made by lead singer Bono. The three other U2 members are perfectly okay with the dismal plight of Africa's poor.
Narnia Targeted To Christians #~# The film adaptation of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, the first installment of the Chronicles Of Narnia series, is being marketed strongly to a Christian audience. What do you think?
Public Wants Troops Home #~# According to a recent poll, 52 percent of Americans want to withdraw troops from Iraq within the next 12 months. What do you think?
Shoplifting Gangs Threaten Retail #~# Organized shoplifting gangs are posing a serious threat to retailers around the nation. What do you think?
C-Sections On The Rise #~# Americans are delivering babies via Caesarean section in record numbers. What do you think?
Annika Sorenstam Has Another Remarkable Year For A Lady #~# WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Annika Sorenstam, the absolutely adorable doll of golf's lighter, gentler side, and a true lady who has absolutely charmed ladies' golf fans since joining the always-heartwarming Ladies' Professional Golf Association Tour in 1994, capped off another sensational 10-victory year and became the first lady in history to win two straight ADT Championships For Ladies.
MLB Adopts New 'Four Strikes And You're Back In' Steroid Policy #~# MILWAUKEE—Facing pressure from the public and the players' union, Major League Baseball announced Monday that they would institute a new steroid policy designed to eliminate performance-enhancing drugs in baseball while granting a third second chance to players who truly demonstrate a desire to play baseball at any cost. Under the league's new guidelines, players will be suspended for 50 games after a first offense, suspended for 100 games after the second, banned for life after their third, and finally reinstated after their fourth conclusive positive test for performance-enhancing drugs. "Although we cannot tolerate serial infractions of our steroid policy, we cannot unfairly penalize those who use steroids to get back into the game," said Commissioner Bud Selig, who has described the new policy as "fair for all parties, especially those who cannot play the game well without the aid of illegal substances." "Continuing to artificially enhance your body and chemically optimize your performance—even after a permanent suspension—shows the kind of dedication that warrants one last chance at redemption." Selig added that, to ensure this ruling does not tarnish the integrity of the game by putting anything less than top-caliber athletes back on the field, all players facing reinstatement must pass a thorough and extremely demanding test of physical fitness and raw aggression.
Nation's Cowboys Fans Deeply Nostalgic Following Michael Irvin's Latest Drug-Related Arrest #~# PLANO, TX—Cowboys football fans nationwide experienced deep feelings of nostalgia for the franchise's glory days when former Dallas receiver Michael Irvin, for years an offensive standout even on one of the NFL's most talented and felony-prone teams, was once again involved in illegal drug-related activities. Irvin, who led all players in combined receptions, touchdowns, receiving yards, and arrests for cocaine possession in the '90s, was charged with misdemeanor paraphernalia possession when officers found a crack pipe in his car during a routine traffic stop. "I know it's not the same as 1996—that was the year Michael was absolutely in the zone, and also circumstantially in that hotel room with a suitcase full of cocaine and some hookers, and went on to get 1,200 yards and 800 hours of community service," said Dallas resident and lifelong Cowboys fan Elizabeth McGlynn. "But it's good to know that he's still got something left in the old tank. I bet he could really teach these rookies today a few tricks." Dallas has not had a starter go to both the Pro Bowl and narcotics court in the same year since Irvin retired in 2000 to become one of ESPN's less-controversial on-air personalities.
Halftime Show At Bruins-Devils Hockey Game Disrupted By Second Period Of Play #~# EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—A combination marching band and pompom squad show planned for the halfway point of Tuesday night's Boston-New Jersey hockey game was disrupted by the continuation of on-ice play during the second of the game's three periods, Devils team officials announced Thursday morning. "I take full responsibility for the injuries to Bruins center Sergei Samsonov, Devils defenseman Brian Rafalski, and the trombone section of the Verona Marching Hillbillies, all but two of whom I'm told are out of the hospital," Devils Events And Entertainment Coordinator Janine Petersen said during a press conference at which she also tendered her resignation. "In seeking to provide a comprehensive sports-entertainment package for the whole family regardless of hockey knowledge, I failed to keep in mind the three-period structure of the game." Petersen, who has not yet been charged with any crimes, was hired on a trial basis by the Devils in September despite her involvement in the tragic halftime show at this year's Daytona 500.
EU Against Secret Prisons #~# The European Union is going to impose sanctions against member nations that cooperated with the U.S. CIA-run prisons. What do you think?
Guy Just Totally Smoking Weed On Street #~# MADISON, WI—Graduate student Danny Lindner, 26, reported that he was shocked Monday to see a guy just totally smoking pot right on the street. "This dude was, like, just walking down the sidewalk puffing on a joint, right out in the open," Lindner told roommate Kyle Rath. "I could totally smell it. It was so weird. What was he thinking?" Lindner added that it was broad daylight out.
Actress Opens Poorly Conceived Animal Shelter #~# PACIFIC PALISADES, CA—Unwanted and abused dogs, cats, and other animals in Southern California now have a sort-of-friend in actress Alicia Silverstone, who opened the well-intentioned but poorly conceived StoneHaven animal shelter on her seaside estate last November. 
College Football Scout Has Eye On High-School Cheerleader #~# SYLACAUGA, AL—His eyes trained on the Sylacauga East High School football field during after-school practice, University of Alabama football scout Calvin Weaver announced Monday that he sees "great promise" in head cheerleader Cindy Ann Kohlner. "With that flexibility, [Kohlner] would clearly dominate the league in the sack," Weaver said. "You can't look at someone like her without thinking 'tight end.' But really, she would be outstanding in any position." Weaver also said that, given the opportunity, he would "love to fuck her."
Area Priest To Get Out Of Priesthood As Soon As Parents Die #~# BROCKTON, MA—Father Sean Lonergan, 36, a priest at St. Veronica Catholic Church, told reporters Tuesday that he plans to give up the collar when his parents die. "I've come to the realization that the priesthood is not for me, but it would crush Mom and Dad to see me abandon my faith," Lonergan said. "They've always been so good to me and my four brothers, so I can wait." Lonergan said both his parents have lived hard lives and couldn't possibly have more than 20-odd years left in them.
Rumsfeld Only One Who Can Change Toner In White House Printer #~# WASHINGTON, DC—White House sources reported Monday that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is the only cabinet member who can figure out how to change the toner in the White House printer. "Let me walk you through it again," Rumsfeld said. "You lift the toner-cartridge lid, then you move this switch back and remove the old cartridge. That goes in el garbage. Next, you remove this tape here from the new cartridge—now, that's important. If you forget that, you'll be printing blank pages all day long. Okay, so you just slide it on in, and you're good to go." When reached for comment, Rumsfeld said he doesn't mind changing the toner, but doesn't see what's so hard about it.
Atkins-Friendly Fast Food #~# Many fast-food restaurants have introduced low-carb menu items intended to lure Atkins dieters. Among the most popular:
Enter Tha Office #~# Check it out, G's: Lotta shit in this column ain't foe tha eyes a' amateurs. If you a pussy, you best skip ovah this thang an' tune in tha ladiez' channel or somethin', cuz what I about 2 lay down deserve its own parental-advisory stickah, know what I'm sayin'? This straight-up, non-stop, hardcore shit, y'all, an' tol' wit' mad suspense, too, tha kind that make yo' shit evacuate, know what I'm sayin'? It like a haiku a' violence. 
Study: Most Self-Abuse Goes Unreported #~# BOULDER—According to a study released Tuesday by the University of Colorado sociology department, approximately 95 percent of self-abuse cases in the U.S. go unreported. 
Ask A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot #~# I have a dear friend who's always late. While "Charlie" doesn't seem to notice or care, it's slowly driving me crazy! He's never more than 10 minutes late, so it doesn't end up ruining our plans, but it does make me feel like he doesn't have any respect for me or my time! Am I being too uptight? Is this chronic tardiness something I should let slide? Or should I lay down the law and risk alienating one of my oldest friends?
Bush 2004 Campaign Pledges To Restore Honor And Dignity To White House #~# BOSTON—Addressing guests at a $2,000-a-plate fundraiser, George W. Bush pledged Monday that, if re-elected in November, he and running mate Dick Cheney will "restore honor and dignity to the White House." 
Concert Ruined By Guy Enjoying Himself #~# CHICAGO—Brian Grant, 24, reported that a rock concert he attended at the Empty Bottle Saturday was ruined by 35-year-old music fan Daryl Froemer's enthusiasm.
4 Out Of 5 Texas Dentists Advocate The Death Penalty #~# DALLAS—According to a study released Monday by the Texas Dental Association, four out of five dentists in the Lone Star State advocate the use of capital punishment. "About 80 percent of the dentists surveyed recommend brushing three times daily, regular dental check-ups, and death by lethal injection should a prisoner be found guilty of homicide in a court of law," TDA spokeswoman Stacy Gunderson said. "Simply putting criminals in hard-to-reach places isn't enough of a deterrent. Rinsing the scum out of death row is vital for the long-term health of this state." Gunderson then called for justice, and plenty of all-natural sugar-free snacks, to be served.
Can Celebrities Get A Fair Trial? #~# The inability to find jurors unfamiliar with Martha Stewart has raised concerns that celebrities cannot receive a fair trial. What do you think?
New Viacom Ad Tells Employees To Get Back To Work #~# NEW YORK—Viacom, the global media conglomerate that includes such properties as CBS, Paramount Pictures, MTV, Nickelodeon, UPN, Showtime, Blockbuster Video, and Simon and Schuster, began airing a TV ad Monday that orders its employees to get back to work. "Worker efficiency needed a little boost," said Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone. "But instead of sending an e-mail to everyone at all of our subsidiaries, we just televised a 'Look alive, people' warning during Ricki Lake." The 30-second spot also included a reminder that discussion of Super Bowl pools should occur at breaks only.
14-Word Diet Stretched To 200 Pages #~# BOSTON—The Florida Keys diet, which can be adequately described in 14 words, has been padded into a 204-page book: Losing Weight The Florida Keys Way, available in bookstores Tuesday. "The diet is pretty much, 'Avoid saturated fats and simple carbohydrates, eat mostly fresh vegetables and seafood, and exercise," said author Dr. Harris Jegen. "Unfortunately, no one is going to shell out $24.95 for one sentence, so I've got some recipes and charts in there, a bunch of testimonials, and a 50-page Diet Diary." Jegen's previous books include The Florida Keys Diet and The Florida Keys Diet Made Easy.
Bush Vows To Discover, Legalize Aliens On American, Martian Soil #~# WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush restated his commitment to the quality and discovery of immigrant and Martian life Monday, calling for increased efforts to register and search for gainfully employed and extraterrestrial aliens. "America must further pursue the quest for a better way of, or undiscovered forms of, life," Bush said Monday. "To this end, I will commission the INS and NASA to assemble committees and probes to explore potential minimum-wage and minimum-risk endeavors in the service sector of the economy and the Olympus Mons sector of Mars." Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh criticized the endeavor, saying the social and scientific programs will take jobs and money away from domestic workers and domestic security.
Labor Secretary Has Her Hours Cut #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Deeming the move "regrettable but necessary," White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card announced Monday that Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao's work hours will be scaled back to 30 per week starting Jan. 26. 
Israel's West Bank Wall #~# Amid protest from Palestinians, Israel began construction on a 25-foot-tall protection barrier on the edge of Jerusalem. What do you think?
The State Of The Union Address #~# President Bush delivered the State Of The Union Address Tuesday. What were his key points?
Narcissist Mentally Undresses Self #~# CHICAGO—J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. project manager and narcissist Brian Knowles undressed himself with his eyes while his secretary delivered the day's agenda Monday. "The entire time Sandra [Hutchins] was talking, I was imagining my clothing coming off, piece by piece," Knowles said. "I thought I was going to lose it when I yawned and stretched so seductively. It's a miracle I get any work done, running around in that tasty Armani suit all day." Knowles added that he's "so asking to be fucked." 
Scientists Abandon AI Project After Seeing The Matrix #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Scientists at MIT's Advanced Machine Cognizance Project announced Tuesday that, after seeing the final installment of the Matrix trilogy, they will cease all further work in the field of artificial intelligence. 
Yee-Haw! My Vote Cancels Out Y'all's! #~# Well, damn, man, it's pretty soon gonna be president election time again, and that means we gotta start thinkin' about who's gonna be the one we want to be president. That's some important stuff, who's president, because whoever's president will be in charge of the whole dang shootin' match. And, if y'all are like me, you know America's president needs to be the kind of old boy who, in the first place, kicks him some damn ass, and in the second place, don't listen to all that bitchin' about how he shouldn't be kickin' so much ass. And, if you ain't like me, guess what? My vote cancels out y'all's! 
Local Chapter Of Rosie's Chub Club Soldiers On #~# WILMINGTON, DE—It was time for another weekly weigh-in for the four remaining members of the Wilmington chapter of Rosie's Chub Club Monday. Although there was some debate about the accuracy of host Pat Chowen's battered bathroom scale, the results were still distressing: a cumulative gain of 11 pounds from last week. 
Actual Proctor Met At Party #~# ROCKFORD, IL—Guests at a cocktail party on Dunstan Avenue were reportedly surprised to meet Conrad Davies, an actual, honest-to-goodness, working proctor. "I'd read the word 'proctor' and heard it on ads, but I'd never actually met one," partygoer Mindy Lindbloom told reporters Monday. "Turns out, he was just a normal guy. He was standing around eating celery sticks and drinking beer, just like everyone else." Lindbloom added that Davies was "just as nice as could be."
Air Marshal Stuck In Conversation About Passenger's Patio #~# CHICAGO—American Trans Air Flight 282 from Chicago-Midway to Newark took a turn for the tedious Monday, when undercover air marshal Kirk Gillam was drawn into a conversation about passenger Terrence Delsman's patio for the majority of the two-hour flight. 
If You Don't Mind, I'd Like To Take A Crack At Salvaging Your Failing Marriage #~# I don't mean to pry, Becca, but I couldn't help overhearing you and Jason argue last night. Sound travels really well in this building. Now, I know I'm only your neighbor, and it's none of my business, but it seems like your relationship is in dire trouble. If you don't mind, I'd like to take a crack at salvaging your failing marriage.
First-Generation American's Job Taken By His Father #~# READING, PA—Miguel Martinez, 48, who immigrated to the U.S. 30 years ago, last week lost his leather-cutting job at GST AutoLeather, Inc. to his 66-year-old father Roberto. "I came to this country in 1974 to make a better life for my family," Martinez said Monday. "But in December, they moved the factory where I've been working for 22 years down to Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. I love my father, but that goddamn beaner stole my job." Martinez's $18-an-hour duties will now be performed by his father for $7 a day.
Feedback Taking Too Long To Be Positive #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Aspiring screenwriter Stephen Helfer, 26, expressed concern Monday that feedback from friend Jason Novak regarding his screenplay The Domino Affair was taking too long to be positive. "I know Jason is a busy guy, but I gave it to him three weeks ago," Helfer said. "It didn't even take me this long to write the thing." Helfer added that he had a hunch it was a mistake to include the fourth speedboat chase.
Grandmother Can't Believe They Let People With Tattoos On Price Is Right #~# GREAT BEND, KS—Grandmother of nine Sadie Grunfelder, 71, expressed surprise Tuesday when a tattooed contestant was allowed to play "Buy Or Sell" on the long-running game show The Price Is Right. "I can't believe that Bob Barker would let someone with a tattoo up on stage," Grunfelder said from her recliner. "I would think they'd at least make him cover up that terrible thing. What if there are children somewhere, home sick from school, watching this show?" Luckily, Grunfelder's two other means of access to the outside world—the AARP newsletter and reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman—remain tattoo-free.
Iran Moves To Ban Events Of Mass Destruction #~# TEHRAN, IRAN—After years of refusing to provide information about the country's underground activities, Iranian president Mohammad Khatami surprised the world Monday by announcing that the nation has decided to ban events of mass destruction. "Opening the doors to seismic reform is the first step toward ensuring a safer future for the people of Iran," Khatami announced on Al-Jazeera. "We will voluntarily make moves to ban further production of devastating seismic waves like those experienced during the earthquake in Bam." Even Iranian political and religious hardliner Ayatollah Hashemi Janati lauded the decision, stating that it "will eliminate the need to stretch our hands out for the charity of our warmongering American oppressors."
Short-Distance Relationship Too Much Work #~# GASTONIA, NC—After four months together, sales manager Jack Petrakis, 29, and paralegal Justine Froeger, 26, reported Tuesday that dating someone who lives in the same building isn't worth the hassle. 
An Entertaining New Year #~# Well, 2003 is over. Happy 2004! This is one exciting year for Jackie Harvey. It's a leap year and an election year all rolled into one! What better way to start off a big year than with a big 2003 year-end wrap-up? 
Angolan Temp Agency Teeming With Mercenaries #~# LUANDA, ANGOLA—Operators of Keliba Temporary Services of Angola announced Monday that they have been swamped with unemployed citizens seeking temporary mercenary work. 
Fingerprinting Foreign Visitors #~# To improve national security, last week the U.S. began fingerprinting and photographing foreigners arriving at air- and seaports. What do you think?
U.S. To Give Every Iraqi $3,544.91, Let Free-Market Capitalism Do The Rest #~# WASHINGTON, DC—At a Monday press conference, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced a "change of plans" for the $87.5 billion aid package Congress approved in October: Instead of being used to fund an array of military and reconstruction operations in the Middle East, the money will be divided equally among Iraq's 24,683,313 citizens. 
I'll Have You Know I Have Several Black Friendsters #~# Me, prejudiced? Of all the slanderous, hurtful, and untrue things you could say! I may have had a somewhat sheltered upbringing, but I'm extremely tolerant of all kinds of people. I would never pass judgment on someone because of the color of his skin. Look, I'll have you know I have several black Friendsters.  
The Mars Rover #~# Exploration of Mars has always posed great challenges for NASA. What difficulties do scientists face?
McDonald's Introduces McCrazy Burger #~# OAK BROOK, IL—Responding to an over-abundance of low-cost beef, McDonald’s unveiled the new five-patty McCrazy Burger Tuesday. “A pound and a half of all-American beef topped with lettuce, tomatoes, and a dollop of our new peppercorn sauce,” said Melanie Haas, marketing director for the fast-food giant’s Northwest region. “We promise you’ll go crazy from the delicious taste of 100 percent pure beef, and not from bovine spongiform encephalopathy!” Haas refused to comment on the exact geographic origin of the cattle used in the new sandwich. 
Typo Results In 10,000-Acre Wyoming Skate Park #~# JACKSON, WY—A simple typographical error in a proposal to set aside a scenic Big Horn Mountain valley for public recreation has resulted in the construction of the 10,020-acre Henrietta Bedford Memorial Skate Park, Wyoming Department of Natural Resources officials announced Tuesday.
Colorado Football Under Fire #~# In a growing scandal, several women have charged that they were raped by football players at the University of Colorado. What do you think?
ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year #~# IRVING, TX—Hoping to avoid the "scraping and scrambling" it does every year, the ExxonMobil Corporation announced Tuesday that it has made a solemn promise to get moving on taxes early this year. "I swear, this time we are not going to be up all night on April 15," ExxonMobil chairman and CEO Lee R. Raymond said. "We're going to start sorting through those receipts from the Qatar and Malaysia production facilities the first weekend we have time. Wouldn't it be nice to get it done ahead of time for a change?" Raymond said he hasn't forgotten driving around at 10 p.m. looking for a gas station with a copy machine last year. 
4-Year-Old Reportedly Loved Trip To Italy #~# SAN BERNARDINO, CA—According to his mother, 4-year-old Justin Finley "absolutely loved" a recent family trip to Italy. "He adored the fountains and the wonderful food, but Justin's favorite part of the trip was the La Scala Opera House in Milan," Heather Finley said Monday. "He was so excited at the La Scala that he was jumping up and down on the benches and climbing up the curtains." Finley then launched into her 23rd recounting of the family's tour of St. Peter's Basilica in Rome, where Justin pointed to the gilt ceiling and said, "Look, pretty yellow!"
Transformer Refuses To Change Back Into Volkswagen #~# CYBERTRON—Following an intense battle with Megatron and his evil Decepticons Monday, former robot-in-disguise Bumblebee refused to revert to his natural state as a yellow Volkswagen Beetle. "I hid my existence in this world by taking the form of a vehicle! I revealed my true nature when I was called upon to protect earth!" said Bumblebee, a member of Optimus Prime's heroic Autobots force. "I refuse to change back into a humiliating bubble-shaped compact car!" Bumblebee added that Megatron arrived on earth with one goal: Destruction!
Man Kinda Excited For Internal Camera Procedure #~# FREDERICK, MD—Two days before his scheduled colonoscopy, Barry Feldman, 47, told his wife Joyce he was "kinda excited" by the idea of a camera taking internal pictures of him, sources reported Tuesday. "I'm a little nervous about the test results, but it sure is amazing that they'll be taking photos with a camera the size of a pencil eraser!" Feldman said. "I talked to the doctor, and he said I'll be able to watch the whole thing on a monitor. He said they can even make me a video tape!" Feldman added that he hopes he doesn't pass out from the pain and miss something.
Thai Premier Eats Entire Bucket Of Chicken To Calm Bird-Flu Fears #~# BANGKOK—To allay concerns about the safety of Thai poultry following an outbreak of the H5N1 bird virus, Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra ate an entire 15-piece bucket of fried chicken on live television Monday. "See, it's fine, this chicken," Shinawatra said as he tore into a leg. "You are all worried for nothing. It's delicious." In a Carson's Group International poll taken after the broadcast, 63 percent of viewers said they wouldn't be afraid to eat chicken raised in Thailand, but 94 percent said they were afraid of Shinawatra.
Greece Gearing Up For Olympics #~# With just six months to go before the Olympics, Greece is scrambling to ready itself. What problems reamin?
Going Out Is Too Much Hassle #~# Hola, amigos. What's going on? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been out of my head lately. I've put on about 15 pounds since I started my job driving people back and forth between the airport and the car-rental place. I don't get it. I've been driving my ass off, and I'm still becoming a king-sized fat-ass. I'm trying that Atkins diet. They got a book about it, but why bother with that? I think I got the gist of it from hearing Wes' mom talk about it all the time. I mean, eat nothing but meat? Sign me up. I went out and got myself 12 packs of hot dogs and a 10-pound box of frozen hamburger patties. I haven't lost any weight yet, but I figure you gotta give these things some time to work. 
Bush To Cut Deficit From Federal Budget #~# WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush proposed a $2.4 trillion election-year budget Monday that would boost defense spending, redistribute funds among government programs, and cross out the $477 billion deficit entirely. 
Pregnant Woman Acting Like No One Ever Got Pregnant Before #~# HUNTSVILLE, AL—In the seven months since she got herself knocked up, graphic designer Amy Glennon, 27, has been walking around the Calendarz, Inc. office acting like the Queen of Sheba just because she's pregnant, coworker Stephen DeGrassio announced Monday. 
Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist #~# LOS ANGELES—Despite occupying opposing roles in a good-cop/bad-cop dyad, LAPD officers Frank K. McGrew, 51, and Bob West, 36, have one thing in common: They’re both extremely racist, 77th precinct sources reported Monday.
Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry #~# BOSTON—Justices of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled 5-2 Monday in favor of full, equal, and mandatory gay marriages for all citizens. The order nullifies all pre-existing heterosexual marriages and lays the groundwork for the 2.4 million compulsory same-sex marriages that will take place in the state by May 15.
If Al-Qaeda Had A Hockey Team, We'd Kick Its Ass! #~# All right, so al-Qaeda is still giving us a little bit of trouble. We haven't found bin Laden yet, and I guess there're still these little cells of them all over the place. But we shouldn't let that crush our spirit, because we'll get 'em. America always wins at the end, in wars or in anything else. I don't know what's taking so long over there, but I do know this: If al-Qaeda had a hockey team, we'd totally kick its ass. 
Former Chinese Dissident Has Your Order Ready #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Dr. Xu Shui Xian Liang, a founding member of the Autonomous Federation of Beijing's Workers in Tiananmen Square who spent 12 years in a labor camp for his involvement in the anti-dictatorship effort during the Cultural Revolution, is ready with your order. "That's one chipotle chicken-filet sandwich, two large regular salads—tofu bacon on one, a white-chicken-chili soup, and three low-fat blondies," said the former leader of the students' movement in the Guang Tong province. "Would you like your receipt?" Xu, who was tortured into confessing to stealing state assets in collusion with organized crime shortly before he defected to the U.S. in 1999, is sorry, he will be right back with that Diet Coke.
Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades #~# Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.  
Osama Bin Laden Found Inside Each Of Us #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced Tuesday that Osama bin Laden, prime suspect in the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, has "at long last been found." 
Teen Responsible For All Six Items In Clarksburg Police Blotter #~# CLARKSBURG, WV—According to sources at the Clarksburg Telegram, troubled youth Danny Nathum, 17, is responsible for all six items on Monday's police blotter. "We had two disorderly-conduct reports, three counts of vandalism, and one DUI arrest," Telegram assistant editor Jesse Sutton said. "Looks like Mr. Nathum had himself one heck of a busy weekend." Clarksburg, population 16,743, last experienced an all-Nathum crime spree in December, when the teen stole a bicycle, burned down a barn, and punched Old Man Herman.
Specifics Of Hostile Takeover Fiercely Boring #~# NEW YORK—Details of a "hostile" bid by software manufacturer Octagon Corporation are, in fact, fiercely, mind-numbingly dull, sources reported Tuesday. "Following the SoftWave International board of directors' rejection of Octagon's unsolicited offer, Octagon essentially eliminated SoftWave as an entity by purchasing 300,000 shares at $453.35—$134.34 more than the current market value," financial analyst Bryan Falwick said, droning on endlessly about the supposedly thrilling upset. "Everyone was shocked when Octagon swooped in and nabbed controlling interest." Falwick said he assumed that the forthcoming rollout of the XSpreadsheet software suite motivated the "raid."
William Katt Programs Own Name Into TiVo #~# LOS ANGELES—Sources close to William Katt said Monday that the Greatest American Hero star has his own name programmed into his TiVo digital video recorder. "Bill gets really excited when he comes home and finds one of his 7th Heaven episodes or sees that he's caught House IV on Cinemax," friend Ray Morris said. "Maybe he does it so he knows to watch for a residual check." Morris said Katt also frequently scans his listing on the Internet Movie Database for errors.
I'll Tell You What I'd Do If I Were Gay #~# A guy from work introduced me to his boyfriend this week. He seemed pretty nice, but it was weird, because he didn't look gay at all. He was a computer programmer and looked like any fat, balding slob you'd run into on the street. I have to say, I would never let myself go like that if I were gay.  
Identity Theft Safeguards #~# Identity theft is a growing problem in America. What does the Federal Trade Commission suggest consumers do to protect themselves?
Human Cloning #~# South Korean scientists successfully cloned a human embryo, a procedure some feel is unethical. What do you think?
Hungover Couple Unaware They Broke Up Last Night #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Area couple Gene Hayter and Amy Peterman spent most of Sunday tenderly helping each other nurse massive hangovers, unaware that they broke up in a bitter, alcohol-fueled rage during the night. 
Kerry Makes Whistle-Stop Tour From Deck Of Yacht #~# LANCASTER, PA—Democratic frontrunner Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) began a seven-day, eight-state whistle-stop tour Monday, addressing a group of Frigidaire factory workers from the all-teak deck of his 60-foot luxury motor cruiser. 
Iowa Resident Has Opinion Month Too Late #~# STORM LAKE, IA—Four weeks after the Iowa Democratic caucus, livestock farmer Darryl Welch, 48, expressed an informed opinion about the candidates Monday. "I like what John Edwards says about rebuilding international alliances to fight terror, but I think some of the programs he supports would mean higher taxes," Welch said Monday. "I wish I'd have said that to all those AP reporters, instead of telling them that I didn't know who I wanted to vote for yet." Unfortunately, Welch's opinions will not be relevant for another three years and 11 months.
Day Job Officially Becomes Job #~# HILLSBORO, OR—Another human dream was crushed by the uncompromising forces of reality Monday, when the restaurant day job of 29-year-old former aspiring cartoonist Mark Seversen officially became his actual job.
That Guy From That One Show In Rehab #~# GLENDALE, CA—According to nurses at the Rosewater Rehabilitation Clinic, that guy who used to play the fat guy on that one show was admitted Monday for treatment of alcohol abuse and depression. "He looked exactly like he did on that one show, except a bit older and fatter," nurse Christina Prenz told reporters. "I asked him to do that thing he always used to do, but he just stared at me. Then he started crying." Prenz added that, during their group therapy session, she plans to ask him why the show was cancelled. 
Household Death Toll Climbs To One #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Police announced Monday that the accidental death of 68-year-old Joseph Lang increased the death toll at 320 E. Oak St. to a staggering one. "We retrieved Mr. Lang's body from his bathtub, where it appears he slipped and hit his head," police officer Chris Ramsey said. "Although we don't expect to find any additional victims, we're continuing our 48-hour search of the two-story home, just in case." Lang is survived by his wife Helen, who still resides in the deathtrap.
New Co-Op Airline Offers Cheaper Fares If You Help Fly The Plane #~# SAN FRANCISCO—GreenWay Airlines, a new low-cost, cooperative airline, offers inexpensive fares to passengers who assist with the flight, an airline spokesman said Monday. "Unlike pricey corporate airlines, GreenWay is run by and for the people," said Brad Olson, a member of the GreenWay elected board. "But, in order to keep our ticket prices low, everyone who wants to fly with us needs to pitch in and help us navigate and maintain the aircraft. All positions, from baggage handler to pilot, will be filled by volunteers who sign up for four-hour shifts." GreenWay will begin taking reservations for daily flights between San Francisco and Austin, TX, as soon as someone can figure out how to use the booking software.
Majority Of Americans Thought We Already Had A Moon Base #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A NASA poll conducted to gauge support for President Bush's space-exploration initiative revealed that a depressing 57 percent of Americans believe that the U.S. already has a research base on the moon. "We put that international space-station thing up there in the '60s," phone-poll respondent Randy Snow said. "It might be on Mars, but I think it's the moon—wherever they have the golf course that President Kennedy played on. Remember, the Cubans tried to take it over?" NASA officials said they hope someday to make Americans' perception a reality.
Radicals, Extremists Vie For Control Of Iran #~# TEHRAN—As the Feb. 20 parliamentary election approaches, hard-line conservative religious radicals and fundamentalist Islamic extremists are stepping up their disparate campaigns. "It's up to the people: Does the future of Iran lie in the hands of the far-right extremists or the far-far-right radicals?" said Ayatollah Ahmad Jannati, head of the hard-line Guardian Council that recently banned thousands of moderate candidates from the election. "Will the old-school clerics win, or is the country ready for a new stripe of fundamentalists who will take authoritarianism in an entirely different direction?" Jannati urged all of Iran's citizens to get out and make their votes count.
Some Dork Brought In To Address Civics Class #~# GILLETTE, WY—According to Westwood High School sources, some dork from city hall or the mayor's office or something came in to address Richard Prugh's fifth- and seventh-hour civics classes Monday. 
Six Dead In West Point Panty Raid #~# WEST POINT, NY—According to an official statement released by the U.S. Military Academy Tuesday, six cadets are dead and 14 wounded after an unsuccessful panty raid on the women's barracks Monday night.  
Gay Marriage #~# Last week, the Massachusetts high court sanctioned same-sex marriages in that state. What do you think?
Under FCC Investigation #~# Following Janet Jackson's Super Bowl halftime stunt, the FCC has vowed to take a more aggressive stand against indecency. What other recent broadcast events merit scrutiny?
Cheer Up, All You Loveless Singles! #~# I don't know if there's something in the water, but my town has exploded with tons of single people! Just last year, practically the only eligibles I knew were my divorced friend Patti, my bud Fulgencio, hubby Rick's barfly pal Craig, and Jimmy the pizza delivery guy. But now, I find out that my cousin Michelle is leaving her second husband, and a recent chit-chat with my building's manager Sandy revealed that she hasn't had a serious relationship in almost five years! Besides that, at least five suspected singletons have moved into my building since June. Five! 
I Want To Fly A Helicopter, Not Look At A Bunch Of Crazy Dials #~# Okay, so since time began, man has dreamed of flight, right? I know I have. I've always wanted to swoop between the mountains and hang suspended high above the earth and all that jazz. So naturally, I decided to try my hand at flying a helicopter. But here's the problem: Everyone makes such a damn big deal out of operating one. I want to fly a helicopter, not look at a bunch of crazy dials. 
Report: 'Sorry' No Longer Cutting It #~# PHILADELPHIA—According to a report released by a privately funded think tank Monday, "sorry" just isn't cutting it anymore. 
Saddam Hussein Rules Over Cell With Iron Fist #~# BAGHDAD—Officials overseeing Saddam Hussein told reporters Monday that the detained former Iraqi leader rules over his cell "with an iron fist."  
Boy, Dolphin No Longer On Speaking Terms #~# KEY WEST, FL—Jimmy O'Dell, 9, and his animal friend Skippy, a bottlenose dolphin, are no longer on speaking terms, the boy said Monday. "I told Skippy I wanted to ride his back out to Buccaneer's Cove to look for buried treasure," O'Dell said. "But Skippy kept squeaking that it wasn't safe. He's always contradicting me, and I'm sick of it. That finned freak is dead to me." Skippy refused to comment.
New Anger-Powered Cars May Revolutionize The Way We Drive #~# DETROIT—With gas prices approaching $2 per gallon in some areas and gridlock on the rise, Detroit's three major automakers are stepping up development of their newest brainchild: the anger-powered car. 
Quaaludes Are Back, Reports Quaalude-Taking Journalist #~# CHICAGO—The illegal use of Methaqualone is on the rise, Quaalude-addicted AP reporter Keith Jannings said Monday. "Quaaludes fell largely out of sight after the highly addictive sedatives were taken off the market in the '80s," said Jannings, a thread of drool hanging from his lower lip. "But my research shows that recreational use of this dangerous drug is rebounding, especially among the professional class." To demonstrate, Jannings downed three Canadian quails he'd scored from a dealer just hours earlier.
Celebrity Saddened By Death Of Other Celebrity #~# BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor announced Monday that she was saddened by the death of actress, dancer, and fellow famous person Ann Miller. "Annie was such a joy, an absolute doll," Taylor told reporters. "She touched so many lives, and she will be missed. My heart goes out to her family." Taylor also expressed sadness over the recent passing of Bob "Captain Kangaroo" Keeshan.
Man Finds Self Back At Porn Store Again #~# JASPER, WY—Gregory Steevers, 37, found himself standing in the aisles of the Pleasure Island adult bookstore again Monday. "I was out on a walk after I dropped off the electric bill," Steevers said. "I stopped and had a sandwich, then, before I knew it, I was perusing the shelf of anal videos at the Island. Weird." Steevers said he's "ended up" at Pleasure Island about twice a week for the past four years.
Pep Talk Laced With Personal Threats #~# SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Matthew Luskey's pep talk to Benjamin Lambert, who has struggled emotionally since a split with former girlfriend Ashley Huza, was laced with personal threats, sources reported Monday. "If you don't stop torturing yourself, I'm going to beat the living shit out of you," Luskey told Lambert. "Either you get up off of this couch and allow the healing process to begin, or I'll open up a wound so deep, it'll leave more than just an emotional scar." Luskey added that Lambert had better restore his sense of self-worth fast, if he values his life.
I Totally Called Yesterday's Surge In Tech Stocks! #~# You all think you're hot shit because you guessed that the dollar would continue to slide against the euro, but answer me this: Who totally called yesterday's 0.4 percent surge in technology stock valuations, in spite of their inflated P/E ratio? Who defied conventional wisdom and foresaw the late-afternoon rally after a morning of relatively tepid technology trading? Who is the fucking man? If you said "Geoffrey Fox," you are correct.  
I Happened To Be In The Neighborhood And Horny #~# Hey, how's it going? I'm sorry, were you sleeping? I guess it's kinda late. I know we haven't seen each other in a long time, but I was in the neighborhood, and I saw your light on, so I thought I'd drop by and see if you'd have sex with me. 
10th-Grade Class Watches Ben-Hur For Two Weeks #~# SALEM, VA—F;or the eighth straight world-history period, sophomores at Riverside High School watched the 1959 classic Ben-Hur Tuesday. "The chariot races were pretty cool," Michael Bower said of the 211-minute film he and classmates have been watching in 25-minute segments, between roll call and free-reading. "And when Mr. Franks got back from the teachers' lounge, he told us Jesus is in tomorrow's part." Bower said he dreads next week, when the class will break into Ben-Hur discussion groups and share their ancient-history unit journals.
Man Stays Up All Night Procrastinating #~# FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Ba;nk manager Ron Bogen, 29, worked into the wee hours of the morning not writing his speech for the semi-annual Compass Bank Best Practices Conference Tuesday. 
Democrats Somehow Lose Primaries #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprising last-minute upset, all seven Democratic presidential hopefuls somehow lost the Democratic primaries Tuesday. 
FDA To Ban Ephedra #~# The FDA recently announced that it plans to prohibit sales of products containing ephedra, a stimulant sold primarily for weight loss. What do you think?
The Patriot Act's Problem Parts #~# A federal judge in Los Angeles recently struck down a section of the Patriot Act, decalring it unconstitutional. Which parts of the law are under scrutiny?
Coworkers Dying To Tell Man He's Going To Be Fired #~# RAPID CITY, SD—E;mployees at Reynolds Business Machines are dying to tell sales representative Mark Tendulkar that he is about to be fired, sources reported Tuesday.
Bush Addresses 8.2 Million Unemployed: 'Get A Job' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to the nation's worst unemployment rate since the Hoover Administration, President Bush addressed the nation's 8.2 million unemployed workers in a televised speech Monday. 
Smoking Ban Collapses Fragile Prison Economy #~# SOLEDAD, CA—A pen-wide smoking ban instituted last week devastated the Salinas Valley State Prison's fragile economy, inmate #67545 said Monday. "There were occasional fluctuations or recalibrations, but a bar of soap used to equal three cigarettes; a Snickers, four; a Percocet, 15," said Kenneth Oglivy, a former WorldCom accountant serving 10 years for embezzlement. "After the ban, the value of a carton of Newports climbed to 50 times its 2003 value. Now that those cigarettes are gone, it's total chaos." Oglivy said Salinas Valley inmates will have to devise a new system of value based on some other commodity, such as assholes.
Scientist Has Nagging Feeling He Left Particle Accelerator On #~# CHICAGO—University of Chicago particle physicist Matthew Sharp drove halfway home before he was struck with the fear that he'd left the Argonne Tandem Linac Accelerator System running Tuesday night. "I think I powered it down after smashing those 9-GeV electrons into 3.1-GeV positrons, but I don't specifically remember flipping the switch," Sharp said. "Not only does a nine million volt electrostatic tandem Van de Graaff injector accelerator cost a lot to run; it's also a pretty serious fire hazard." Sharp almost turned his car around, but didn't, because the past three times he's gone back to check on the accelerator, he's found it off.
Test Your Jean-Q #~# Put on your thinking caps, Jeanketeers, because it's time once again to put your brains to the test with my second-ever Jean Teasdale "Trivia" Challenge! People often read my column to see what sassy, outrageous thing I'll say next. I figure, why not pay tribute to my loyal, careful readers with a "trivia" quiz about things in my life? (I put "trivia" in quotation marks because, to me at least, there's nothing trivial about my life! After all, it's my life, right?) 
Heartbroken FBI Agent Crosses Ex-Girlfriend's Name Out Of Classified Documents #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Special agent Brian Walters said he felt resignation, sadness, and a sense of duty Monday while stripping all mention of his ex-girlfriend Cathy Blessing from a file of FBI documents. 
Richard Clarke Speaks Out #~# Former counterterrorism official Richard Clarke emerged as a controversial, outspoken figure at the Sept. 11 investigation hearings. What do you think?
Wheelchair-Bound Student Would Have Preferred To Sit Out Pep Rally #~# ROCK SPRINGS, WY—In spite of the varsity cheerleaders' enthusiasm, Rock Springs Central High sophomore William Boelart would have actually preferred not to have participated in the school's pep rally Monday. "I appreciate the thought, but I didn't really get into being wheeled around wearing a rainbow Afro and holding up a banner that said 'Bulldogs Kick A**,'" Boelart said. "I like it better when the popular kids avoid eye contact with me." Boelart was last used in a school function Dec. 11, when he played a corpse in a production of Arsenic And Old Lace.
Before I Die, I'd Like To See Hazzard County With My Own Eyes #~# Through the years, as I've traveled this country selling floor coverings, I've had the opportunity to see the best this great nation of ours has to offer: the famous Cheers district of Boston, the historic Flimm building in Cincinnati, and the storied East Side of New York City, to which the Jeffersons made their famous odyssey. Once, while attending a convention in Milwaukee, I was blessed to tread the same streets as Laverne, Shirley, and the immortals of the Happy Days gang. But as I grow older—for, yes, I am getting old—the urban life entices me less, and the winter stays longer in my bones. Lately, I find myself thinking often of the balmy Southern countryside. Though I have seen great wonders in my life, I have yet to see Hazzard County with my own eyes. 
Disney's Financial Woes #~# Disney’s stock value has fallen 20 percent over the last five years. What are the reasons?
Fuck-Buddy Becomes Fuck-Fiancé #~# MIAMI, FL—In spite of the explicitly casual nature of their relationship, fuck-buddies Nora Ingersoll and Keith Hetzel are engaged, friend Tom Stipps reported Tuesday. "Keith and Nora have been fooling around for years, but Keith said they were just friends," Stipps said. "I was shocked when Nora showed up wearing a ring." Later that day, the couple reportedly opened a fuck-joint-checking account.
Report: Caucasians Will Soon Be A Minority In Their Own Goddamn Country #~# PIKEVILLE, TN—According to Hormel-plant breakroom sources, if the Puerto Ricans and the Mexicans and the Orientals and the blacks don't stop having all those babies, whites will be a minority in their own goddamn country as early as 2010. "Someone looked at the census figures, and on account of how much faster they're multiplying, it's only a couple years before there's more of them than of us real Americans," foreman Ron Nelson announced Tuesday. "They're already making the kids learn Spanish at the high school." According to U.S. Census Bureau estimates, 80.7 percent of the current U.S. population is white.
New Strip Mall Of America Stretches Over 1/6th Of North Dakota #~# FARGO, ND—Representatives from the North Dakota Department of Commerce attended a ribbon-cutting ceremony Saturday for the new Strip Mall Of America, the state's largest shopping center to date.
Potential Baldness Cure Leads Man To Reverse Position On Stem-Cell Research #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—Recent news of a potential cure for baldness has prompted area resident Chuck Tell to change his views on stem-cell research.
Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars #~# PASADENA, CA—The Coca-Cola-sponsored Real Rover has discovered evidence that the surface of Mars was once partially covered by free-flowing Dasani, scientists at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced Monday. 
New York Times Seeks Court Order To Remove Tuesdays With Morrie From Bestseller List #~# NEW YORK—The New York Times announced Monday that it will seek a court order to have Mitch Albom's book of discussions between himself and his dying mentor, Tuesdays With Morrie, forcibly removed from the paperback non-fiction bestseller list. "We've tolerated the old dead guy's ramblings for the past 66 weeks," Times Sunday books-section editor Mel Constantine said. "But now it's simply gotta go. I want Morrie out of my list—permanently." Should the order be successful, the book's slot on the list will be replaced by a line urging readers to donate to the Fresh Air Fund. 
Reality Show Slowly Sinks In #~# EAST LANSING, MI—Though she'd lived in denial for nearly a month, toy-store manager Ellen Cranmer admitted Monday that the reality show The Apprentice has finally sunk in. "Normally I never watch those stupid reality shows, and I certainly don't integrate them into my regular week," Cranmer said. "But since around the time of the Trump Ice challenge, I've been passing on social events so I can be home Thursdays at 9 p.m." Cranmer said that she was shocked when she realized she hadn't missed a single episode, and saddened by her belief that Amy will win. 
Psychic Helps Police Waste Valuable Time #~# MANCHESTER, NH—More than 36 hours after the disappearance of 13-year-old Heather Jordan, Manchester police hired local psychic Lynette Mure-Davis to help waste their valuable time Monday. "I see a river… and along the banks is an outcropping with five lilac bushes," said Mure-Davis, who then paused a full 90 seconds to "collect vibrations" from Jordan's scarf. "I also see a man… tall, but stocky, wearing… a hat. And an animal, perhaps a dog." As of press time, Jordan was still trapped under a collapsed utility shed three blocks west of her house.
Teen Learns The Negligible Value Of A Dollar #~# ASHLAND, WI—After earning $5 for mowing his family's half-acre lawn, 13-year-old Andrew Mink learned the negligible value of a dollar at the town's sporting-goods store Sunday. "Pops dropped me off at Dunham's before baseball practice so I could buy something with my hard-earned money," Mink said. "I kinda wanted a baseball glove, but that was almost $40. A new bat was, like, $65. Even a batting glove was more than $10." The teen finally found a wristband for $3.99, but he was unable to afford sales tax on the item after reserving one dollar for his bus fare home.
Bush Urges Iraqis To Pass Amendment Banning Gay Marriage #~# BAGHDAD—In a private meeting with Mohammed Bahr al-Ulloum, President Bush urged the Iraqi Governing Council president to amend the recently ratified Iraqi constitution to protect the sanctity of heterosexual marriage. "The Iraqi constitution, signed just a few short weeks ago, will usher in a new era of democratic freedom in Iraq," Bush said. "But there are some unlawful and unholy acts that the constitution's original drafters could not have possibly intended to protect." Bush then told al-Ulloum he must act quickly and decisively to preserve his country's most sacred tradition.
Stewart's Prison Sentence #~# The nation awaits Martha Stewart's June 17 sentencing, which will reveal how much time she spends in prison. What do you think?
You Are No Longer Welcome In The Homer Reading Group #~# Sorry I'm late. The Gustav Mahler Jugendsymphonie is in town, and I was held back by the conductor, Claudio Abbado—terrible bore, please don't tell I said. But enough about that. Did everyone enjoy the reading of… Wait. What are you doing here? Did you not receive my phone message of 1:43 a.m. Tuesday last? Oh, you received it. Then, as you well know, you are no longer welcome in the Homer reading group. 
I Hit The Dead-Wife Insurance Jackpot! #~# Last week, I was Maxwell Linden, lab technician. I was four long years from retirement, sharing a cramped little A-frame with my wife, and driving a Lincoln Mercury seriously in need of a new transmission. Today, call me Mr. Linden, widower extraordinaire. Along with my wife Leah, my financial troubles are gone forever. Even though her life-insurance payout was only $250,000, I feel like a million bucks! 
Nanotechnology #~# The global market for nantechnology—the science of manipulating the tiniest bits of matter—is growing. What are some applications for the new science?
Nostalgia Prompts Return Of Negro Baseball Leagues #~# NEW YORK—Influenced by the high demand for Negro League memorabilia, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced Monday that, for the 2004 season, the national pastime will return to its storied, segregated past.  
Online-Dating Tips #~# More people are using computers to find that special someone. Here are some tips to help make your online-dating experience safe and fun: 
Political Cartoon Even More Boring And Confusing Than Issue #~# PORTLAND, OR—A political cartoon in Monday's Daily Oregonian was more boring and confusing than the issue it attempted to address, area resident Craig Lawler reported Tuesday. 
Rematch With Mechanical Bull Planned All Week Long #~# LEXINGTON, KY—Ever since a humiliatingly short mechanical-bull ride at the Cadillac Ranch last Thursday, area resident Scott Wiseck has been planning a rematch, the 27-year-old UPS deliveryman reported Tuesday.
Bush Calls Incumbency Key Issue Of Campaign #~# WASHINGTON, DC—At a campaign dinner Monday, President Bush identified incumbency as the key issue in the upcoming presidential election. "Look at my opponent's record on incumbency," Bush said. "John Kerry is not the president at this time. That's an indisputable matter of public record." Bush added that the American public should seriously consider whether it wants to risk electing a president who has no experience heading a nation, has never resided in the White House, and does not have even one State Of The Union address under his belt.
Leftover Christmas Billboard Stirs Seasonally Inappropriate Emotion #~# ST. LOUIS—Local architect Steve Burillo felt a momentary flush of seasonally incongruous holiday spirit Tuesday when he saw a Christmas-themed billboard on South Broadway. "The sign was advertising the St. Louis Ballet's performance of The Nutcracker, and for a second, I felt a stirring desire to volunteer for a charity and spread goodwill amongst my fellow men," Burillo said warmly. "But then I was like, 'Screw it. It's March. I should get to the gym and get in shape for summer.'" Burillo added that they really ought to take the billboard down before someone goes out and spends quality time with loved ones. 
Confusing Insult Awkwardly Clarified #~# BOZEMAN, MT—Prudential Insurance administrative assistant Becky DuBois, 24, was forced to explain herself Tuesday morning after an off-hand insult was not understood by coworker Kimberly Spellman. "Oh, I just meant, 'This is what a bill looks like,' as in… Well, you said that your parents still pay your credit-card bill for you," DuBois told Spellman. "So, I just sorta meant… you know, that you don't know what bills look like." DuBois then said she didn't mean it as an insult, because she knows that Spellman said she hates it that her parents do that, and that she's totally sorry if Spellman took it that way.
Sheets Changed After Every Breakup #~# ITHACA, NY—Michael Pelske changes his bed sheets after every breakup, the 24-year-old bicycle messenger announced Monday. "I'd never bring some woman I just met home to a set of filthy sheets," said Pelske, who changed his sheets Saturday before hitting the bars following his break-up with Linda Keely, his girlfriend of four months. "But then, a few weeks into the relationship, you start to let things like that slide." Pelske's cotton-twill, 180-thread-count, light-blue sheets have been washed 13 times since his mother bought them for him in May 2001.
The Madrid Train Bombings #~# Madrid is still searching for answers after the worst terrorist attack in Spanish history. What do you think?
Return Of Dawn Of The Dead #~# A remake of the 70's horror film Dawn Of The Dead hits theaters this weekend. What changes were made in the new version?
Citizens Form Massive Special Disinterest Group #~# LAWRENCE, KS—More than 3,000 U.S. citizens have banded together to form a massive special disinterest group, Coalition Of Unconcerned Americans press secretary Sarah Fisher said Tuesday. 
Your Dog Is In Heaven Now, With No One To Feed Him #~# Come over here and sit on Mommy's lap. I've got some bad news, Tommy. Are you ready? Tommy, while you were at school today, Sparky got out of the backyard and ran in front of a truck. I rushed him to the vet, but there was nothing she could do.  
Once Again, Oscar Is King Of The Rings! #~# I've got a lot on my plate this week, loyal Harveyheads. There's been an avalanche of events in the world of entertainment, so grab those boots! We're going snowboarding—in Hollywood! 
Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics #~# STANFORD, CA—Known throughout the community for his verbal outbursts and his shopping cart full of trash, area street denizen "Cosmic Stan" must have studied advanced physics at some point, sources reported Monday.
News Of Uncle's Death Deleted By Spam Filter #~# PALO ALTO, CA—An email from Marison Octrup containing word of her husband's death was deleted by Eric Rawson's spam filter Monday, a review of the deleted-items folder would have indicated. "Dear extended Octrup family, it is with great sadness that I write to you to report the end of George's battle with emphysema. George died peacefully in his sleep on Sunday night," read the e-mail, which Rawson never received. "The funeral will be held at St. Francis' First Lutheran Church on Thursday, for those who might be able to attend." While the death notice did not reach Rawson, 14 offers for low-cost Cialis did.
Best Man Has No Idea Why He Was Picked #~# GREENSBORO, NC—Although he has had a cordial relationship with officemate Karl Harrison for almost two years, Jeff Ashland reported Monday that he has no idea why he was asked to be the best man at Harrison's wedding in June.
Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament At Remote Island Fortress #~# FANG ISLAND—U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has opened his fortified island headquarters to participants in his second no-holds-barred martial arts tournament, the enigmatic mastermind announced Monday.
Every Song On Radio Reminds Man Of Red Sox Loss #~# BOSTON—Every song on the radio reminds Red Sox fan Patrick O'Malley of the team's loss to the New York Yankees in Game 7 of the 2003 American League Championship Series. "'One Call Away' on 94.5 reminded me of how [manager] Grady Little's call kept Pedro Martinez on the mound in the eighth," O'Malley said Monday. "So I flipped over to 97.9, but then Van Halen's 'Poundcake' reminded me of how Yankee batter Aaron Boone pounded Tim Wakefield's knuckleball over the fence." O'Malley then switched to AM radio, where a farm report reminded him of that corndog he threw on the ground when Boone crossed home plate in the game's 11th inning.
Study: 58 Percent Of U.S. Exercise Televised #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a new Department of Health and Human Services study, 58 percent of all exercise performed in the U.S. is broadcast on television. "Of the 3.5 billion push-ups performed in 2003, 2.03 billion took place on exercise shows on the Lifetime Network and ESPN3 or fitness segments on Good Morning America," the study read. "The abundance of TV exercise would create the impression that America is a healthy society, if everyone didn't already know that we're a bunch of disgusting, near-immobile spectators." The DHHS study also indicated that 99.3 percent of the nation's Soloflex workouts are televised.
Dog Trying Its Absolute Hardest #~# INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Woofers, the Eli family's high-spirited, 3-year-old Scottish terrier, is trying his absolute hardest at everything he does, family sources reported Monday. "Look at him," wife Jen Eli said as Woofers presented her with a tennis ball for the 22nd time that hour. "His tongue's out, his tail's wagging, he's bouncing all over the place trying to please us. There's only so much that a dog can accomplish, but Woofers is trying his best." Eli's utterance of the word "Woofers" spurred a frenzy of irrelevant leaping.
Republicans Retain Majority In Household #~# OMAHA, NE—In spite of a vocal Democratic following among the 16-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter demographics, Republicans managed to retain a slim majority in the Sanderson family, front-door exit polls revealed Monday. "Fortunately, strong Republican support among 48-year-old fathers and 46-year-old mothers won over the key swing vote among 6-year-olds named Timmy," speaker of the household Donald Sanderson said. "This, combined with the traditional Republican stronghold among visiting, over-60 grandparents, allowed Republicans to maintain control." The GOP has held the majority in the Sandersons' last 37 Sunday dinners.
Ask Kenneth Cole #~# I just moved to Houston, and so far, I've had a hard time making friends. I tried hanging out in the coffee shops and going to the bars, but all the people I met seemed wrapped up in their own busy lives. I love the city, but I don't have anyone to enjoy it with. What's a lonely girl to do?
Comanche Program Scrapped #~# The U.S. Army announced that it is canceling its $39 billion Comance helicopter program. What are the reasons?
Work Begins On Clinton Presidential DVD Library #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—The William Jefferson Clinton Presidential DVD Library is currently under construction, with the opening celebration scheduled to take place Nov. 14, the former president said Tuesday. 
Milosevic Genocide Case Faltering #~# Legal experts said it's likely that Slobodan Milosevic will be acquitted of genocide at the conclusion of his U.N. war-crimes tribunal. What do you think?
Urban Planner Stuck In Traffic Of Own Design #~# PITTSBURGH, PA—Bernard Rothstein, an urban planner and traffic-flow modulation specialist with the Urban Redevelopment Authority, found himself stuck in rush-hour traffic of his own design for more than an hour Monday.
Cool Dad A Terrible Father #~# PORTLAND, OR—Terrible father Peter Nesmith is the absolute coolest, neighborhood children reported Monday.
Automated Teller Has More Personality Than Human Teller #~# SEATTLE, WA—Waugh Street Washington Mutual's new ATM has more personality than Janine Byrd, one of the branch's human tellers, sources reported Tuesday. "Don't forget to take your cash, Kyle. Would you like a receipt today?" asked the ATM's full-color, animated screen after the machine dispensed $40. "No? Have a nice day, then. Thanks, Kyle!" By contrast, every customer waited on by the tired-looking Byrd was greeted with the same monotone delivery of "Hello. How may I help you today?"
I Can Make Things Right #~# Baby, my world is empty since you shut me out of your life that night. Things were so good between us. Open up your heart to me once again, and I will walk in and make you feel like twice the woman you are without me. All I need is one more chance. If you would give me that chance, I know I could make things right.
New Nietzschean Diet Lets You Eat Whatever You Fear Most #~# NEW YORK—While dieters are accustomed to exercises of will, a new English translation of Germany's most popular diet book takes the concept to a new philosophical level. The Nietzschean diet, which commands its adherents to eat superhuman amounts of whatever they most fear, is developing a strong following in America. 
Jesus Demands Creative Control Over Next Movie #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—After watching Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ Monday, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ announced that He will demand creative control over the next film based on His life. 
Kerry Volunteer Gets Some Kerry-Primary Victory Sex #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Following U.S. Sen. John Kerry's win in the Minnesota Democratic primary, campaign volunteer Ron Pelles, 24, got a little Kerry-primary victory sex off of fellow volunteer Dawn Beecher Monday. "Dawn and I were on such a high after Kerry took the state," Pelles said Tuesday morning. "She gave me a congratulatory hug while we were loading up the van, and there was just so much energy in the air that—bam!" Pelles said that he and Beecher, a political-science major at the University of St. Thomas, went back to his apartment and had intercourse twice, once with Beecher on top and once in the spoon position.
Texan Feels Emotionally Empty After Chili Cook-off #~# EL PASO, TX—Native Texan and chili chef Jerry Gerber, 41, said he has been suffering a palpable sense of melancholy ever since the 17th Annual Five-Alarm Chili Cook-Off on Feb. 28 ended. "Spend all year gittin' together the hottest, rootin'-tootinest, mule-kickinest chili this side of the Rio Grande, and whadya git fer yer troubles?" Gerber said Tuesday. "Shucks, you eat it and then you're all hat and no horse." In lieu of seeking professional help, Gerber said he plans to force himself back into the saddle by beginning work on his entry for the Texas Beef Council Steak-A-Thon in June.
Masters In Writing Fails To Create Master Of Writing #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Despite completing all the requirements for a Masters of Fine Arts in creative writing from Stanford University in January, Jeremy Craig Kessler somehow failed to become a master of creative writing, sources reported Monday. "Mr. Kessler's short stories, all written in the style of T.C. Boyle, show little more than excellence in spelling and grammar," said literary agent David Conrad. "Somehow, Kessler advanced to the very highest level of the academic program and has only an average body of work to show for it." Photocopies of Kessler's short-story collection can be purchased at jckessler.com.
Crank Caller Keeps Jerking Local News Team Around #~# PLATTSBURGH, NY—The Channel 5 Action News Team was duped once again by a crank call to the WPTZ breaking-news hotline Monday. "I should have known it was too good to be true that Jared [Fogle] would be filming a commercial at the Subway on Campus Drive," reporter Graham Johnson announced from the scene of the restaurant. "I knew that British accent seemed familiar, but it wasn't until we'd all jumped out of the van and rushed into the Subway that I figured it out. The same guy called about the escaped ape last week." Johnson vowed never to ignore his journalistic instincts again.
The New CPR #~# In a major shift in the emergency care of cardiac arrest, doctors are recommending a simpler form of CPR that eliminates mouth-to-mouth breathing. What are the other changes to CPR?
You Are The Most Beautiful Woman In The World Who Will Sleep With Me #~# Darling, I love you. You are truly the most amazing woman I'll ever lay my hands on. Could it be true, I ask myself? Is this gorgeous woman actually willing to let me have sex with her? A woman more lovely than any other woman I've ever met and been allowed to touch? The answer is yes! Of all the women on this earth, you are the single most beautiful one who is willing to let me sleep with her.  
Virulent Strain Of Soy Flu Traced To Single Tofurkey #~# SAN FRANCISCO—A virulent strain of soy flu has been traced to a single tofurkey at a Bay Area food-processing factory. "An investigation of Green Earth Foods has located the bird-shaped loaf of firm bean curd from which the infection originated," said Dr. Julie L. Gerberding, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "To prevent further spreading of the disease, all tofurkeys in Northern California are being quarantined and destroyed." Gerberding said it appears that the soy virus was not transmitted to the factory's Spaghetti & Wheatballs Microwaveable Entree division.
Should The U.S. Help Haiti? #~# President Bush has ordered the deployment of 200 marines to Port-au-Prince, Haiti as part of an "interim international force" to restore stability in the region. What do you think?
Foster Mom A Cunt #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—Foster parent Laurene Talley is a total cunt who always has to get into everyone else's business, 14-year-old Kristen Wenc reported Monday. 
As Departmental Manager, I Vow To Learn Each Of Your Names #~# Okay, just grab a seat, Karl, and we'll get going. Okay! Good morning, everyone. Thanks for being on time. Just pull up a chair, uh, Tim. Tom? Tom. Pull up a chair, Tom. Well! I think this is a new record, right? Everyone here on time? Right, Judy? Ha ha, Ming's nodding. She knows what I mean. Okay, I wanted to assemble everyone to announce my brand-new departmental initiative. I know I've only been here a month, so you're probably all thinking, "Where does this guy get off making changes around here?" But I think you'll be on board once you hear me out. Here's the proposal: I plan to learn each and every one of your names. 
Bush To Make Up Missed National Guard Service This Weekend #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a move intended to dispel criticism over his Vietnam-era military record, President Bush announced Monday that he will spend the weekend at the Sheppard Air Force Base in Wichita Falls, TX, to make up his missed National Guard service. 
Bush To Iraqi Militants: 'Please Stop Bringing It On' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In an internationally televised statement Monday, President Bush modified a July 2003 challenge to Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces. "Terrorists, Saddam loyalists, and anti-American insurgents: Please stop bringing it on now," Bush said at a Monday press conference. "Nine months and 500 U.S. casualties ago, I may have invited y'all to bring it on, but as of today, I formally rescind that statement. I would officially like for you to step back." The president added that the "it" Iraqis should stop bringing includes gunfire, bombings, grenade attacks, and suicide missions of all types.
Strangulation The New Blow To The Head, Says Hired Killer Magazine #~# NEW YORK—Strangulation has replaced a violent blow to the skull as the hot new way to eliminate a target, according to the May issue of Hired Killer magazine. "Striking the occipital was fine in the easygoing '90s—an audible thump and a sloppily collapsing body fit the casual feel of the times," read the article by Jonathan Grecco. "But the elegant silence of a strangle kill, and the skill that its proper execution demands, are too-too today, especially when a monofilament line is used to modernize this classic." The May issue also features 10 Ways First-Time Trigger-Men Screw Up A Body Disposal. 
Putting Up With Dave's Shit Not In Job Description #~# SPOKANE, WA—Although he's willing to put up with a hell of a lot, coffee-shop employee Jason Bowen said Tuesday that dealing with endless amounts of Dave's shit isn't part of his job description. "I'm sorry, but I didn't come to the Second Cup just so [store manager] Dave [Shaw] could use me as his personal slave," Bowen said. "Nothing in the employee handbook says I have to stay until midnight cleaning the cappuccino machines, just because he has to go argue with his fucking girlfriend." Bowen added that he was hired as a barista, and maintenance work is so not what he's paid to do.
Spawn Of Satan A Failure In Father's Eyes #~# TUSTIN, CA—The humanoid spawn of Satan, Belial K. Ravana, 16, has proven to be a huge disappointment to his father, His Satanic Majesty reported from Hell Tuesday. "Apparently, young Belial started a fire in the garbage can at school today," Satan said. "When I begat young Belial, I had high hopes that he would follow in my cloven-hoofsteps. At his age, I was scorching the earth in hellfire, flensing the skin off of infants, and making the streets of Babylon run red with the blood of the righteous." Satan said he hopes Belial will turn it around and "at least rape the principal" before the semester's end.
National Cyber Security #~# The Department of Homeland Security recently identified a serious Internet security flaw that could leave the web vulnerable to hackers. What do you think?
You're Fired! #~# You're fired! Since Donald Trump started saying it on The Apprentices, I can't say it enough. It's this year's "Is that your final answer?" I've been saying it to everyone: my friends, my mailman, and even my mom! And now we know the apprentice is Bob, who proved that he had the goods by coordinating a golf tournament. Congratulations, Bob! 
Sept. 11 Could Not Have Been Prevented Without Accruing A Lot Of Overtime #~# Esteemed members of the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks upon the United States, good afternoon. As National Security Advisor, my job is to coordinate the efforts of America's intelligence and defense agencies and report directly to the president. I was, and continue to be, in a unique position to understand the threats and dangers our nation faces. It is with utmost confidence and sincerity that I assure each and every one of you that there was no way the federal government could have prevented the horrific events of Sept. 11 without accruing an enormous amount of overtime. 
Web Of Lies Surrounds Late Birthday Card #~# MISSOULA, MT—Only a thin tissue of lies screens area resident Jessica Jurgensen from the unpleasant reality that her friend Gina Tobler forgot her 34th birthday, which occurred four days ago.
Tom Hanks This Week's Guest President #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Superstar actor Tom Hanks will fill President Bush’s spot at the White House through Friday while the chief executive takes the week off. 
IKEA Claims Another 10,000 Lifestyles #~# ATLANTA—IKEA, the rapidly growing Swedish retailer of inexpensive home furnishings, claimed another 10,000 American lifestyles in 2003, according to a report released Tuesday by the Center for Interior Design Control.
Woman Overcomes Years Of Child Abuse To Achieve Porn Stardom #~# VAN NUYS, CA—Psychologists agree that children who are neglected or abused by their caretakers often develop long-term mental-health problems. Childhood trauma frequently leads to emotional problems such as depression, feelings of worthlessness, underachievement, and detachment from reality. But some victims find the strength to rise above tragedy. One such survivor is Katrina Foechelman, an attractive 22-year-old who has overcome years of sexual abuse to achieve something most women only dream of: a featured role in a top-selling pornographic video.
Unpopped Kernels Costing U.S. Billions #~# SIOUX CITY, IA—The singed, partially opened, and otherwise unpopped kernels at the bottom of U.S. snack bowls are costing Americans an average of $18 billion every year, FDA sources reported Tuesday. "The typical pound of popping corn results in an average of 35 'dead' kernels," FDA deputy commissioner Lester M. Crawford said before Congress. "Considering the costs of growing, processing, and packaging these kernels, and the heat energy expended in fruitless endeavors to pop them, it's an epic level of waste." Crawford asked Congress to double funding for the FDA's $200 million old-maid-elimination research project.
Woman Looks Great For A 32-Year-Old #~# BLOOMINGTON, MN—Acquaintances and coworkers of local resident Jenny Scribba cannot get over how vibrant she looks, considering the fact that she is 32 years old. 
Weird Al Honors Parents' Memory With 'Tears In Heaven' Parody #~# FALLBROOK, CA—Zany, mourning entertainer "Weird Al" Yankovic has parodied Eric Clapton's eulogy song "Tears In Heaven" in loving tribute to his parents, who recently died of carbon-monoxide poisoning in their San Diego home, a spokesman for Yankovic said Monday. "Al's hurting deeply right now, and this is his way of honoring Nick and Mary," Karl Tuft said of the song in which a subdued Yankovic sings, "First you lit some flames / Then the smoke stopped your breathin' / Carbon mono's th'way you went… / Up to heaven" over a somber, minor-key accordion melody. Tuft added that the best way for Yankovic to give voice to his pain and loss was by altering the voice of Clapton's pain and loss. 
Longtime Heckler Just Kind Of Fell Into Heckling #~# LOS ANGELES—Comedy-club regular Ray Thurmond, 53, has heckled Southern California's comedians for the past 21 years, but he told reporters Monday that he never planned to become a heckler. "I was watching some awful act at the Comedy Store, and the guy was totally bombing," Thurmond said. "So I yelled, 'God, you suck.' Well, the audience really cracked up, so I yelled at him to get off the stage. One thing led to another, and here I am." Thurmond also said that, while he did not coin the phrase, he may have been responsible for introducing the concept of not quitting your day job to the local scene.
Historian Has Big News For Grover Cleveland Fans #~# CALDWELL, NJ—Historian and author Louis Putnam announced Monday that his new book about Grover Cleveland will shock fans of the 22nd and 24th U.S. president. "You're gonna see the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms as you've never seen him before," Putnam said. "Forget Tammany Hall, screw the paternity scandal, and to hell with a so-called 'secret' battle with jaw cancer. When my book comes out, you're gonna fucking flip." Putnam's book, Grover! Grover! Grover!, will hit bookstore shelves May 13. 
National Endowment For The Arts & Crafts Criticized For Funding Giant Macramé Penis #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Republican lawmakers and conservative religious groups blasted the National Endowment For The Arts & Crafts Tuesday, claiming that the organization has allocated federal funds for "obscene crafts."  
McDonald's Unveils Healthier Image #~# Last week, McDonald's announced plans to offer healthier menu items and encourage its customers to get more exercise. What do you think?
Senatorial Candidate Introduces New Low-Carb Platform #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Mayor of Myrtle Beach and Republican Senate hopeful Mark McBride jumped ahead in the polls Monday after announcing his new low-carbohydrate political platform. 
I Haven't Achieved Greatness So Much As I Was Born Into It #~# Earlier today, on the way back from a shareholders meeting in Melbourne, the pilot of my Bombardier Challenger 604 twinprop private jet asked how I had managed to rise to a position of such great power and prestige at so young an age. After several modest demurrals, I settled back in my seat and began to explain my secret: I haven't so much "earned" greatness as I was "born into it." 
Online Music Stores #~# Internet sites like the iTunes music store are gaining in popularity. Why are more Americans buying music online?
Why Can't This Family Ever Have A Funky Good Time? #~# I say goddamn! It ain't but once or twice a year the Brown clan get together. Every time, we swear up and down it's gonna be a brand new bag. But every time, somebody gotta be stupid and start with the arguing. Why, I say whyyyy, it gotta be this way? Can't this family get together and have a funky good time? Come on, now. Can you hear me? Let's enjoy a nice dinner, without all the cussin' and feudin'. Don't you realize that I love you? Brothas and sistas, cousins, sista-in-law, Danny Ray's girlfriend Tracy—I really look forward to seeing, to being with the ones that I love. So sit on down, Clyde, and tell Tracy you sorry for that crack about her weight. I can't hear you. I can't hear you. That's better. 
Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department #~# CHEYENNE, WY—After attempting to contain a living-room blaze started by a cigarette, card-carrying Libertarian Trent Jacobs reluctantly called the Cheyenne Fire Department Monday. “Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient, free-market fire-fighting service, the fact is that expensive, unnecessary public fire departments do exist,” Jacobs said. “Also, my house was burning down.” Jacobs did not offer to pay firefighters for their service.
Nation Celebrates Awkward 'Take Your Illegitimate Daughter To Work' Day #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Tensions were running high Tuesday as Americans nervously explained their jobs, gave workplace tours, and introduced their bastard children to coworkers on National "Take Your Illegitimate Daughter To Work" Day. "Today, we encourage young girls to think about the future while we acknowledge the sins of our past," said President Bush, who insisted that cameras remain trained on his face during his address. "Let's encourage our unnamed children to build a career that takes them to new and exciting places very, very far away." The annual holiday was established under President Kennedy in 1962.
Iraqis Arming Selves For Independence #~# BAGHDAD—With little more than two months remaining until the American-led occupation force hands sovereignty to an interim government, Iraqi citizens are joyfully arming themselves in anticipation of independence.
Rumsfeld Looking Forward To Secretary's Day #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld sheepishly admitted Monday that he's looking forward to National Secretary's Day on April 21. 
Study: Owning A Boat Not Worth It #~# YONKERS, NY—According to a study published in the April issue of Boating Magazine, owning a boat is not even close to worth it. "Our study proved conclusively that boat-ownership is primarily an inconvenience and a monetary black hole," editor Roger Bernbaum said. "We found little to no reason to keep that thing sitting in a shed all winter just so you can tow it to the lake and pay outrageous docking fees three weekends a year. It'd be much more cost-efficient to don a yachting cap and hang out at the dockhouse." The May issue of Boating promises to explore the financial viability of seaside vacation homes.
Zambia Tired Of Being Mentioned In 'News Of The Weird' Section #~# LUSAKA, ZAMBIA—Zambian president H.E. Levy P. Mwanawasa publicly chastised Reuters and 10 other news organizations Monday for featuring Zambia in their "news of the weird" sections. "Zambia has a rich cultural history well beyond the man who can swallow razor blades," Mwanawasa said. "Either feature something about Zambia besides dodecatuplets, or don't feature Zambia at all." Interestingly, in addition to being the Zambian leader, Mwanawasa is also the proud owner of the world's longest soda-can pull-tab chain. 
Room Scanned For Something To Sell On eBay #~# ALBANY, CA—Applying tape to the last package in a 12-item round of eBay sales, Brandon Vye scanned his bedroom for anything else he could auction off online. "I sold the Grand Ole Opry floaty pen… the UNO cards… the Santa socks—so now what?" Vye asked as he spun around in his swivel chair. "Maybe I could sell these science textbooks, or my tapes of old SNL episodes? God, I've got to have something I can mail off."After listing a misshapen clay bowl he made in a high-school ceramics class, Vye decided to head out to the yard to search for "eBay-able stuff" there.
Man Nods His Way To The Top #~# BOSTON—Using his unparalleled ability to nod after his superiors speak, Thomas J. Mieritz, 39, rose to the level of vice-president at Fidelity Investments Monday. "I knew Mieritz was the man for the job the instant I started talking. He was ready to get on board with every one of my proposed mutual-fund investment initiatives," Fidelity chairman Edward C. Johnson III said. "I thought, 'Now, there's a man who makes smart decisions without a lot of hullabaloo.'" Johnson added that, if Mieritz can master boot-licking, buck-passing, and myopic self-satisfaction, he'll probably run the company one day.
Resistance In Iraq #~# A sudden surge in anti-occupation violence in Iraq has prompted some Americans to fear the coalition forces' control is slipping. What do you think?
Here's My Road Map To Road Trips #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but the trouble pot boiled over and spilled all over everything again. For one thing, my fridge went on the fritz last week. I'd tell my landlord, but I'm a little late in paying my rent, so I have to avoid him until my next payday. In the meantime, I'm keeping everything important in three coolers. I stopped by the carbonics plant where Ron works, and he slipped me a bucket of dry ice. So far, everything is kept as cold as it would be in a refrigerator. You have to be careful about getting the beer out of the bottom of the cooler, though, because you can burn yourself on the ice. I know it sounds wild, getting burned by ice, but trust me on this one: It hurts like a motherfucker. 
Statue Of Liberty To Reopen #~# The Statute Of Liberty will reopen in July, following the completion of structural and security improvements. What changes have been made so far?
Bishop Sick Of Local Church Scene #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Bishop Robert K. Boland of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Sacramento announced Monday that, although he remains a devoted servant of God and the Catholic Church, he has become tired of the same old church scene. 
I Will Not Rest Until Sometime After 11 p.m. #~# I awoke this morning with an exhilarating realization: A new day had dawned. The sun brought clarity, as well as light. Looking into my shaving mirror, I made myself a promise. I said to myself, "No matter what obstacles I encounter, no matter what trials I must endure, no matter what distractions I must ignore, I will not rest until sometime after 11 o'clock this evening." 
New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In the latest round of political mudslinging, both John Kerry's and George W. Bush's election committees have replaced ads that focus on their opponents' shortcomings with ads that personally insult the voting public. 
What Grieving Widow Needs Is A Day At The Spa #~# PACIFIC PALISADES, CA—Now that her husband Harvey has been laid to rest and all the visiting relatives have left, what grieving widow Judith Blauser, 46, really needs is a day at the spa, friend Carrie Thomas reported Tuesday. "Your eyes are so red and puffy from crying… but that's nothing a few cucumber slices and an apricot facial couldn't cure," said Thomas, who attended the Blausers' wedding eight years ago. "I know that seeing poor Harvey there in the casket reminded me how long it's been since I treated myself to a full-body seaweed wrap." Thomas suggested that Blauser fly to Palm Desert for a volcanic sand bath immediately following the reading of the will.
Friend Buys Computer Just Like That #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Account executive Jeremy Trask, 33, entered a local Best Buy Sunday, shopped for approximately 20 minutes, and bought a brand-new laptop computer right off the shelf, "like it was a bag of pretzels," Trask's friend Paul Cheng said Monday. 
Preparing For A Hospital Stay #~# While a trip to the hospital is rarely pleasant, here are some tips to help you prepare for the experience:
Frank Zappa Fan Thinks You Just Haven't Heard The Right Album #~# NEDERLAND, CO—In spite of your insistence that you are not into Frank Zappa, avid fan Roger Von Lee believes that you would change your mind if you heard the right album. "You're prejudiced, because the only Zappa you know is 'Valley Girl' and 'Don't Eat The Yellow Snow,'" Von Lee told you Tuesday. "Seriously, you need to check out Hot Rats or Absolutely Free. Zappa and the Mothers were at their peak, and Zappa's jazz-rock fusion experiments predate Bitches Brew. That'll totally convince you that Zappa's the shit." Von Lee added that if those two don't get under your skin, he can recommend another 15 to 20 albums that will for sure.
Boxer Hopes He Can Make Money Punching Things In Retirement #~# CHICAGO—Shortly after announcing his retirement, heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis, 38, said Monday that he hopes to continue to make money punching things. "I have a few other skills, but I'm probably best at punching," Lewis said. "Cows, computers, sheets of glass—if the price is right, I'll punch it good. I may be retired, but I'm still a powerful good puncher." Lewis added that he would also be willing to hire himself out by the hour for displays of fancy footwork.
Yahoo Launches Soul-Search Engine #~# SUNNYVALE, CA—Hoping it will push them to the top of an increasingly competitive market, Internet portal Yahoo has added soul-search capabilities to its expanding line of search tools, company executives announced Monday. 
Almost No Effort Made To Stop Kid From Eating Cigarette Butt #~# HALLOWELL, ME—While waiting for a bus Tuesday, Stan Geraldson watched 2-year-old Jason Kemper pick up a spent cigarette butt and place it in his mouth, but made only a minor attempt to stop him. "Hey, ah, you shouldn't…" Geraldson told Kemper, whose mother was engaged in a conversation a few feet away. "Don't… eat that." Geraldson said he would have done more to stop Kemper if the item had been fiberglass or something.
Dollar Losing Value Against The Quarter #~# NEW YORK—After falling 6 percent in the past three weeks, the U.S. dollar hit a 208-year low against the U.S. quarter, which had been valued at exactly 0.25 dollars since its introduction in 1796. "The dollar continues to slide against most major currencies," Morgan Stanley analyst Richard Jemison said. "At the end of the day Tuesday, the quarter was trading at .267 yen, .203 euros, and US$0.28. But what we're really seeing here is not just a dollar weakened by a sluggish economy, but an exceptionally resilient quarter-dollar." Jemison was quick to point out that the dollar remains very strong against the nickel.
Visiting Liberian Dignitary In No Hurry To Leave #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Liberian interim government chairman Gyude Bryant is strongly considering extending his first diplomatic visit to the U.S., the West African leader announced Monday. "It feels like I just got here," said Bryant, whose nation has just begun the work of rebuilding its infrastructure after 14 years of civil war. "Why rush back to Liberia? I'm barely settled into my hotel suite. I haven't even used the whirlpool." Bryant, head of the Liberian government since former president Charles Taylor was forced into exile, said he may as well stay at least until the violence in the city of Buchanan dies down, which would allow him to check out the Smithsonian.
U.S. Kids Sleep-Deprived #~# The National Sleep Foundation recently announced that American children are not getting enough sleep. What do you think?
The Hunt For Bin Laden #~# The commission probing the Sept. 11 attacks presented in detail the mistakes made in the search for Osama Bin Laden. What were some of the near-misses?
15-Year-Old Nephew Asked If He Can Get Ecstasy #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Having exhausted several more conventional sources for illegal  drugs, area copy editor Alex Henderson, 33, was forced to ask his 15-year-old nephew Kevin for MDMA Monday. 
Munchtime Is The Most Important Snack Of The Day #~# Has this ever happened to you? You are snug in your bed when an insatiable craving overcomes you. You try to ignore it, but a piece of fried chicken in the fridge is calling you. Before you know it, you're in the kitchen, standing before the open refrigerator. As any snacktologist could tell you, this is your body's munchtabolic system telling you that you've got the gotta-gobbles. 
If Elected, I Will Be Extremely Surprised #~# Distinguished residents of the Pine View Senior Center, 
Price Of Nuclear Secrets Plummeting #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Top-secret information about the design, construction, and delivery of nuclear weapons has never been more affordable than it is today, CIA Director George Tenet announced Monday. 
Area Man Excited Friend Is Getting Divorced #~# PASCO, WA—Jim Sterling, 31, reported Monday that he's excited to resume his friendship with his soon-to-be-divorced buddy Andy Freiburg.
Ex-Nickelodeon Stars Relate Horrors Of Green Slime Syndrome #~# OTTAWA—Veterans of the '80s cult classic TV show You Can't Do That On Television filed a $1 billion class-action lawsuit against Nickelodeon Monday, alleging that the network exposed them to a bevy of toxins which led to a chronic affliction called Green Slime Syndrome. 
Bus Passenger Really Getting Into Stranger's Nursing Textbook #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Public-bus passenger Kyle Renner is seriously getting into a nearby stranger's nursing textbook, downtown-bound sources reported Monday. "An Unna's boot can be used to treat uninfected, non-necrotic leg and foot ulcers," read page 182 of the textbook propped up on the lap of the woman seated to Renner's right. "Alternatively, a preparation known as Unna's paste (zinc oxide, calamine lotion, and glycerin) may be applied to the ulcer and covered with lightweight gauze." According to Renner, page 182 features a photo of a hand placing a small boot on a smiling elderly woman that was "pretty funny."
Great-Grandmother Actually Not That Great #~# DAVIS, CA—Following a family get-together Sunday, 7-year-old Tom Morris reported that he didn't really see what was so great about his great-grandmother Sarah Lott. "Grandma Lott is okay, I guess, but she sorta just sat there with this dazed look on her face until Aunt Debbie gave her a chocolate-covered cherry," Morris said. "All-right Grandma Lott, maybe. But 'great'?" Morris conceded that there might be a side to the wheelchair-bound 87-year-old he hasn't seen.
Overseas Outsourcing #~# By the end of next year, an estimated 830,000 U.S. service jobs will have been exported overseas. Why are companies choosing to outsource?
Sob Sistah #~# Interoffice Memorandum To: Midstate Staff From: Herbert Kornfeld Accountz Reeceevable Supervisa May 26, 2004 
Naïve Teacher Believes In Her Students #~# BANGOR, ME—Bishop Kelly High School English teacher Christine Niles believes in her students' ability to grow intellectually and achieve success, the naïve 24-year-old told reporters Monday. 
U.S. Gives Up Trying To Impress England #~# CHICAGO—Americans across the nation declared Tuesday that, after 230 years of trying to prove to England that the U.S. is a worthwhile and relevant country deserving of the European nation's respect, they are officially giving up. 
Should Rumsfeld Resign? #~# As the investigation into abuses at Abu Ghraib prison continues, some Americans are urging Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to step down. What do you think?
You Learn Something New And Depressing Every Day #~# Hey, did you know that more than 14 million African children have been orphaned because of AIDS? Fourteen million. That's roughly equivalent to the number of all the children under the age of 5 in America. Holy Schmidt, right?! I had no idea this was the case until I saw a news report about the African AIDS epidemic last night. I guess it just goes to show you: No matter how much you think you know, there are always more bleak facts out there, waiting for you to discover them! 
Fed-Up Cheney Enters Presidential Race Himself #~# WASHINGTON, DC—As President Bush's public-approval ratings hit an all-time low, Vice-President Dick Cheney announced Monday that he has been "forced" to throw his hat into the ring for the 2004 presidential race. 
No-Makeup Look Easier To Achieve Than Elle Claims #~# NEW YORK—Contrary to claims in the June issue of Elle magazine, the no-makeup look actually requires little effort, a licensed cosmetologist reported Monday. "The article '20 Minutes To A More Natural You' suggests an application of under-eye concealer, light powder, natural lip gloss, and clear mascara to achieve the makeup-free look," said Michelle Karns-Daley, spokeswoman for the American Association of Cosmetology. "But really, a quick shower and a towel-off will do the trick just as well." Similarly, experts say Elle's six-page article "Building Your Self-Esteem" can be more simply stated as "Stop giving a shit about what people think."
Awkward Encounter Not Awkward At All When Masturbated About #~# OLYMPIA, WA—An uncomfortable exchange between Brad Leydner, 25, and Ginny, the cute redheaded waitress at Hugo's Bistro, lost all awkwardness when envisioned in Leydner's masturbation fantasy later that afternoon. "So, would you like to grab a coffee after your shift?" a nervous Leydner asked Ginny in both the real and imagined scenarios Monday. "Oh, Brad, I can't wait four hours to see you. You should fuck me hard, right in this booth," replied the Dream Ginny moments before Leydner achieved orgasm. In the fantasy scenario, Ginny did not hide in the kitchen to avoid speaking to Leydner while he paid for his meal.
Bush Posts Classified Ad For 90,000 Troops #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to relieve the burden on his overextended armed forces in Iraq, President Bush placed a four-line classified ad in the Monday edition of 75 U.S. newspapers. "WANTED: motivated, dedicated, obedient people looking for career in growing field of nation liberation," the ad read. "90,000 jobs avail. F/T days, nights, weekends. No exp. necessary. Will train. Arabic a plus. Starter pay, solid bnfts." To further boost military enlistment rates, Bush plans to post the job offer at employment offices in 300 cities across the country.
New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra Delicious #~# NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, drug giant Pfizer formally introduced Hoagizine, a pharmaceutical-grade Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt so delicious, it's only available by prescription. 
Apparently Werewolf Was Allergic To Peanuts #~# NEW ORLEANS—The werewolf who died while attacking a young woman Sunday must have been allergic to peanuts, experts said Tuesday. "The wolfman crashed through the intended victim's front window, but before the accursed beast could tear her apart in a savage fury, he stepped in a bowl of honey-roasted peanuts," said Dr. Alex Price, professor of lycanthropic studies at Tulane University. "Within seconds, the hellbeast's face began to swell, and he collapsed into an anaphylactic attack, unable to breathe." Price said that, had the werewolf not been more animal than man at the time of the attack, he likely would have used the epinephrine injection pen paramedics found in the breast pocket of his shirt.
Woman With Six Dogs Resents Non-Dogs #~# ALBANY, CA—Bay Area resident Emily Dobbyns, owner of two wire-haired fox terriers, two shih tzus, one Maltese, and a pug, revealed yesterday that she resents all non-canine life forms. "My family and coworkers and friends are so hard to get along with," Dobbyns said, petting her pug Skipper. "They're so opinionated, and they let their egos complicate everything." Dobbyns added that her little Skipperdoodle would never expect her to drive 22 miles to a birthday party at a restaurant she doesn't even like.
Pawn-Shop Customer Plans To Buy Toaster Back #~# CHICAGO—Drug addict Chris Fehring, 27, announced plans Monday to eventually buy back the GE toaster he'd sold an hour earlier to U-Name-It Pawn. "This is only temporary," said Fehring, who'd already parlayed the $3 he received into a crack purchase. "I'll buy it back as soon as I have electricity again." Fehring also stated his intention to buy back the blood he sold to the plasma center Monday.
White House Slam Dunk Contest Results In No Slam Dunks #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The annual White House Slam Dunk Contest, a spring ritual since 1977, featured its usual share of cringe-worthy misses and twisted knees Monday, but once again, no slam dunks. "I tell you, this is some sorry stuff I'm seeing," celebrity judge and former San Antonio Spur George "Iceman" Gervin said, holding up a "1" card after press secretary Scott McClellan made an awkward leap in a pair of wingtips. "The three-point contest was bad enough, but this is just depressing." The last White House slam dunk on record occurred in 1983, when a blindfolded Secretary of the Interior James Watt leaped from the foul line to execute an aerial 360-spin into a tomahawk that shattered the backboard.
Electronic Voting Machines #~# Computerized voting systems promise to simplify the polling process, but many Americans are worried about their accuracy. What are the machines' potential problems?
Fahrenheit 9-11 #~# Disney recently blocked Miramax from releasing Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9-11, a film criticizing President Bush's handling of Sept. 11. What do you think?
Funeral Looks Cheap #~# DEARBORN, MI—Everything from the bottom-of-the-line coffin to the shabby suit worn by the deceased made the funeral of longtime assembly-line foreman Thomas Meissner, who died May 13 at the age of 68, look cheap, several guests reported Tuesday. 
I Think I'll Head On Back To That Crime Scene #~# All in all, I'd say it was a robbery well done. It was in a secluded area behind the old B.F. Goodrich on the riverfront. The mask was concealing yet breatheable, the old man dropped like a stone, and his money clip yielded a cool 95 bucks and some food stamps. I didn't intend to kill him, but there were no apparent witnesses, so what the hey? Smooth and simple. The perfect crime. Nice work, Scotty. 
Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Senior sales representative Mark Seversen, already notorious at Aqua-Dek Water Filtration Systems for being an asshole, made the ultimate asshole move Monday when he triumphantly admitted to being an asshole. 
When I Grow Up, I Want To Wear A Bikini At Auto Shows #~# Being in fifth grade is the worst thing ever. At home, Dad is always telling me to turn the television down. Then at school, Mrs. Cobb is always yelling at me to get back to my desk, or Jeremy Linder is making fun of me because the sole is coming off my tennis shoe. Well, they're all going to be so jealous when I'm all grown-up, beautiful, and wearing a bikini while I hand out flyers at the auto show. 
U.S. To Fight Terror With Terror #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a response to recent acts of extreme violence against Americans in Iraq and mounting criticism of U.S. military policy at home, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced the government's new strategy of fighting terror with terror Monday. 
Catholic Church Condemns Metrosexuality #~# VATICAN CITY—Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls said Monday that metrosexuality, the trend of heterosexual men co-opting the aesthetics of homosexual men, is strictly prohibited under Catholic doctrine. "The truly faithful will avoid the temptation to adopt this hip urban lifestyle," Navarro-Valls said. "The devout Catholic must remain on the path toward salvation, no matter how good he'd look in an Armani pullover, and no matter how much he might covet his neighbor's set of Williams-Sonoma lobster forks." Karl Weis, director of the New York-based activist group Freedom From Religion, responded to the ban by stating that "metrosexuality is so 2003."
34 Congressmen Arrested In D.C. Cockfighting Crackdown #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Washington police seized 22 members of the House of Representatives, 12 members of the Senate, and more than 100 fighting cocks Monday night, in the latest crackdown on blood sports at the highest levels of the U.S. government. 
Halliburton Employee's Pay Docked For Weeks Spent As Hostage #~# BAGHDAD—Spokesmen for Halliburton International announced Monday that employee Thomas Hamill will not be paid for the three weeks he failed to fulfill his truck-driving duties while being held at gunpoint by Iraqi captors. "While we share your joy in regaining your freedom, we are forced to withhold your wages for the period of April 9 to May 2," read the official corporate reprimand, which reached Hamill in Germany as doctors treated his bullet wound. "A disciplinary slip noting your failure to report to work has been added to your employee file." Halliburton has not yet disclosed the amount Hamill is being charged for structural damage to the company truck he was shot in.
House Inappropriations Committee Suggests Nation's Women Dress A Little Sexier #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a policy initiative released Monday, the chairman of the House Inappropriations Committee suggested that the women of America start to dress a little more provocatively. "Why don't they wear some shorter skirts?" U.S. Rep. Bill Young (R-FL) said. "They've got nice legs. They should show 'em off." Young said he could offer American females even more suggestions if Congress would underwrite a fact-finding tour to Miami Beach.
Bathroom Too Disgusting To Shit In #~# AUSTIN, TX—The men's bathroom at area rock club Emo's was declared too repulsive for the emptying of concertgoer Max Risdy's bowels Saturday night. "The floor was covered with water, there was toilet paper and garbage everywhere, and it smelled disgusting," Risdy said, wincing at the memory Monday. "It was really not the kind of place you want to leave a big pile of digested food matter after squeezing it through your rectum from the depths of your bowels." Risdy added that the area near the music venue's stage was too loud and crowded.
Film-School Graduate Goes Straight To Video-Store Job #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—The theatrical career of recent USC School of Cinema-Television graduate Neil Hemmitt was put on hold indefinitely as the aspiring director went straight to video-store clerking Monday. "The big studios never gave me a chance," Hemmitt said, as he shelved a Big Fish DVD at Blockbuster. "But it's because they didn't understand me." Hemmitt's producers, Harold and Francine Hemmitt, pulled his financial support in March, after calling his predicament "hardly original."
Sugar Baby #~# Ever notice how big things happen when you least expect them? You settle into a routine, and you go along like that for years, but then, suddenly, the bottom drops out from under you? I used to think these sort of jolts happened to other people, and not an "old reliable" like me. Not true, it turns out! 
Iraqi Prisoner Abuse #~# Though the Bush Administration apologized for U.S. abuse of Iraqi prisoners, some feel the coalition's reputation has suffered irreparable damage. What do you think?
Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Justifiable If They're Terrorists vs. Killing Wheelchair-Bound People #~# The global balance of power has changed dramatically in the last two decades. In the past, great armies and great industrial capabilities were needed to threaten strong nations. Now, shadowy networks of individuals can cause great suffering for the cost of a homemade explosive. To effectively counter this new threat, we must make use of every tool in our arsenal—military power, homeland defense, law enforcement, intelligence, and short-range helicopter-mounted missiles to pick off elderly, wheelchair-bound terrorists one at a time. 
Commuting Tips #~# Americans, on average, spend nearly half an hour commuting to and from their jobs. Here are some tips to make the ride go more smoothly: 
Bush Vows To Pay Closer Attention To Needs Of Non-Presidents #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to recent polls suggesting that he has lost touch with the average American, President Bush vowed Monday to pay closer attention to the needs of non-presidents. 
Investors Stake Out Greenspan's House For Signs Of Rate Increase #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Investors have been staking out Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan's home in an effort to gather any clues that Greenspan will institute an increase in the interest rate, neighborhood sources reported Tuesday. "Right now, Mr. Greenspan is applying a second coat of Turtle Wax to his Lexus," mutual-fund investor Ted Iger said, as he squatted behind an oak tree. "Maybe he plans to sell the car before raising lending rates." Iger said a major household purchase would corroborate theories he has about the microwave box Greenspan's wife carried to the curb Sunday.
Who Is John Kerry? #~# Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry is struggling to define himself to the voting public. What are some of the messages he's considering?
Photo ID Shows Toll Job Has Taken On Employee #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Seth Poole's employee-identification card is a revealing indicator of the toll that two years of work at Blue Juice, Inc. has taken on the internal auditor's appearance and overall health, sources close to the 37-year-old revealed Monday.
Woman At 'Farscape' Convention Has Dangerously Inflated Self-Image #~# BURBANK, CA—Paulette Osley, 24, a moderately attractive fan of the Sci-Fi Channel series Farscape, had her self-image inflated to dangerous levels during the three-day ScaperCon 2004, according to Pepperdine University professor of psychology Wes Martin.
Willie Nelson Spaces On Holding Farm Aid #~# SPICEWOOD, TX—Country-music legend Willie Nelson completely spaced on holding a Farm Aid benefit concert this year, the singer admitted Monday. "Man, I've been doing the damn thing for 19 years, but somehow the plight of the American farmer slipped my mind this year," Nelson said. "We'll never get a venue by September now." Nelson added that John Mellencamp or Neil Young could've called to remind him.
Masturbatory Prose Style Fails To Reach Climax #~# NEW YORK—Writer Terrence Hendrie's debut novel I, Me, Eye, with its lengthy sentences and elaborate footnotes, failed to result in a climax, sources reported Monday. "Hendrie really works himself into a frenzy, massaging his love for obscure vocabulary," bookstore owner Robert Silvers said of the 385-page novel, which opens, "Adam, his serpentine ponytail flapping freely in the wintertide dithers, frostbitten grapewine bouche pursed around a smoldering Camel, hands gripping a Dachshund-eared copy of Hesse's Demian, which he recalled borrowing from his Cambridge roommate Geoffrey—young Geoffrey, how Adam chided him for his nostalgie de la boue." "Then, after 385 pages, the wanking-off ends abruptly, leaving the reader unsatisfied." Silvers added that the book's attempts at humor were too dry.
Herpetologist Names Son After Famous Herpetologist #~# CORAL GABLES, FL—Herpetologist Linus R. Bolton and his wife Kareena announced Monday that they are the proud parents of eight-pound, five-ounce Archie Carr Bolton, named after famous Florida herpetologist and biologist Archie Carr. "It was Dr. Carr's work on the life cycle of the sea turtle that inspired me to pursue the study of reptiles and amphibians," Bolton said. "This is my way of honoring him." Bolton and Kareena, a Chinese chef, have two other children: Ginger, 4, and General Tso, 2.
Mass Grave Blasted For Lack Of Diversity #~# SARAJEVO, BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA—Members of the International Coalition for Equality criticized a newly unearthed mass grave Monday, saying it lacked religious and racial diversity. "The funereal pit is brimming with Croats, nearly 300 of them, without a single representative Serb," ICE spokesman Jacques Marchand said. "Exclusionary burial practices like this send a negative message to the world. Corpses of all races and creeds should be tossed together to decay in harmony." Marchand acknowledged that the grave did, at least, have a sprinkling of women and children.
Vladimir Putin Begins Second Term As Whatever He Is #~# MOSCOW—After winning a landslide re-election in March, this week Russian leader of some sort Vladimir Putin begins his second term as whatever he was during his first term, U.S. sources reported Tuesday. "We would all like to wish Putin continued luck as the Russian premier or prime minister or czar or… you know," White House press secretary Scott McClellan said. "Well, I'm pretty sure it's not 'president.' Does 'President Putin' sound right?" McClellan added that he wishes Mr. Putin, or Herr Putin, or Comrade Putin, or The Monsieur, the best.
The Social Security Time Bomb #~# Experts continue to urge Congress to cut the growth of Social Security, warning that the nation faces unsustainable deficits if action isn't taken. What do you think?
Porn And HIV Prevention #~# Shaken by an HIV scare, the adult-film industry has instituted safety regulations. What are they?
Hungover Heineken Promoter Can't Remember What He Said About Heineken Last Night #~# CINCINNATI, OH—After a hard night promoting Heineken at a local bar, junior marketing associate Jason Schweiber, 23, spent Monday morning nursing a hangover and trying to remember what he'd said about Heineken the night before. 
Darling, You Were Well Worth The Nine Goats #~# My dearest Anjana Shah, it is difficult to believe that we have been husband and wife for five years on this very day. Where has the time gone? It seems like only yesterday the entire village gathered together to feast in celebration of your acceptance into the Atram family. Do you recall the delicious feast you prepared? Ah, Anjana, dearest wife, there are so many things I would like to express to you, I feel my heart will burst! Dear, sweet wife, we've had our share of troubles, but we're stronger for them. Not once have I regretted our agreement, not for even a second. Darling, just looking into your beautiful brown eyes each morning is worth more than four goats. You were well worth the nine. 
Mom Hogging Family Therapy Session #~# THORNTON, CO—According to her husband and two children, Jeanette Westphal, 41, is hogging the regular therapy sessions supposedly intended to help all of them. 
Lone Wolf Ashcroft Given Rookie Partner #~# WASHINGTON, DC—John Ashcroft, the tough, no-nonsense U.S. attorney general famous for his refusal to take orders, was assigned a rookie trainee Tuesday.
Peace Talks Just An Excuse To Visit Scenic Mideast #~# WASHINGTON, DC—White House officials announced Monday that representatives from the U.S. will join those from Sweden, Russia, and the U.N. in the Mideast next week to sight-see, sunbathe, and mediate peace talks between Palestine and Israel.
You Win Some, You Claim To Have Won Some #~# If there's one thing I've learned about life, it's that things rarely go according to plan. You have to expect to take a few knocks here and there. That's why I've developed a way to cope with life's pitfalls. When things don't go right, I just stick my chin out, turn my frown upside down, and lie to everyone about what actually happened.
7-Year-Old Asshole Demands You King Him #~# COS COB, CT—On the 23rd turn of the game Monday, 7-year-old asshole Andy Scot advanced a checker to the opposite end of the board and plunked it down on a black square. "King me," the smug little bastard said, folding his pudgy arms across his sweater-vested chest. "Do it." The checkers game, which continued apace after you placed a checker on top of his, was at least a reprieve from hearing the little shit say "sorry" during the game of the same name.
Dysfunctional Family Statistically Average #~# MORSE BLUFF, NE—Although neighbors report that the Kenner family is "immensely troubled," recently published statistics suggest they are more or less average, sources reported Monday. "Sure, the kids are upset that Doug and Tammy are splitting up because of Doug's extramarital affairs, but that's hardly unusual," said analyst Doreen Fellows, who cited 2000 U.S. Census figures indicating that more than 60 percent of all American children are from divorced families. "Maybe the family would have fared better if not for Doreen's drinking, but the situation is far from unusual. According to the American Medical Association, 72 percent of American homes harbor someone with an addiction." Unbeknownst to the Kenners, one out of four family members will contract chlamydia in his or her lifetime.
Power-Crazed Orkin Man Burns House To Ground #~# ESTES PARK, CO—Neighbors and loved ones joined the former residents of 22 Everglade Pass Monday to marvel at the still-smoldering remains of the house razed by Orkin exterminator Zach Knight. "I called Orkin and told them we had ants," former homeowner Bill Danby said. "Twenty minutes later, a guy in a red polo shirt and a mask knocked on the door, told us to get out of the house, and said we should take our most precious belongings. Minutes later, we smelled smoke." That night, Danby received a phone call from an anonymous party, who warned him that "the Orkin man will be back" to perform a follow-up inspection of the property Thursday.
Local Woman Dies Of Lost Cell Phone #~# APALACHICOLA, FL—Catherine Polk, 24, died at a local Starbucks Monday afternoon, due to complications resulting from the tragic loss of her cell phone. "It was horrible—Cathy didn't have any of her numbers written down anywhere else, and she was waiting on a call about last-minute tickets for a concert," said best friend Melissa Barreth, who was with Polk when she first discovered that her Cingular V400 quad band/GSM cell phone was not in her purse. "We tried everything to find it, but in the end, there was nothing we could do." The coroner's report confirmed that Polk died of a sudden lack of wireless service.
Julia Roberts Is A Pretty Pregnant Woman! #~# Item! Julia Roberts is going to have a baby! Actually, she's having two babies—twins! It's the beginning of a new dynasty, like the Barrymores or the Bridgeses or the Baldwins. Right when the Olson Sisters got too old to be cute, America's Sweetheart is turning out a whole new set for us to fall in love with. Congrats to Julia and her husband, Lyle Lovitz! (Hope the kids get their looks from Julia!) 
Iraq's New Flag #~# Iraq is poised to assume self-rule, but many citizens are unhappy with the national flag unveiled in April. What are some of the flag's design elements?
Private Space Travel #~# Monday's SpaceShipOne flight could usher in an age of privately financed space travel. What do you think?
Coalition: Vast Majority Of Iraqis Still Alive #~# BAGHDAD—As the Coalition Provisional Authority prepares to hand power over to an Iraqi-led interim government on June 30, CPA administrator L. Paul Bremer publicly touted the success of Operation Iraqi Freedom. 
Saddam Hussein Freed On Technicality #~# BAGHDAD—The U.S. was forced to free accused war criminal Saddam Hussein Monday following the revelation that the former Iraqi dictator had been arrested in an illegal search. "American special forces neglected to obtain proper warrants before dragging Mr. Hussein from his hiding place outside of Adwar," Iraqi prime minister Iyad Allawi said in a morning press conference. "In accordance with international law, the Americans had no choice but to free him." Hussein, who is still named as the defendant in hundreds of outstanding civil cases, said his release was proof that the system works.
Erotic-Horror Screenplay Discovered On Office Printer #~# EVANSTON, IL—Coldwell Banker receptionist Annette Lyon, 29, discovered an unattributed screenplay for a feature-length erotic thriller on a printer shared by all of the Evanston-branch employees Monday, raising company-wide speculation as to the script's author.
China Stockpiling Massive Fireworks Arsenal #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Satellite photographs have revealed the recent test-detonation of several hundred extremely small explosive devices in the remote Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region of Southwestern China, sources from the U.S. Department of Defense reported Monday.
I Refuse To Let Some Beached Whale Ruin Our Family Outing #~# Joshua! Kylie! Help your father and me unload the minivan. You can take care of the lighter things, like the mini-cooler and the badminton net. Daddy will carry the poles. Take your beach towels, too, and don't forget that Ziploc bag with the sunscreen. I don't want you kids getting sunburns. They say the worst skin damage occurs when you're young. Joshua? Kylie? Why are you still in the van? You haven't even unbuckled your seatbelts. Let's go!
Jeff Gordon Never Gets Tired Of Seeing Face On Cheap Plastic Crap #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon never tires of seeing his image on cheap, collectible junk, the four-time Winston Cup champion revealed Monday during a visit to the Hendrick Motorsports racing complex gift shop.
New Alternative-Fuel SUV Will Deplete World's Hydrogen By 2070 #~# DETROIT—Ford announced a Sept. 3 rollout date for its new Ford Foresight, a hydrogen-powered SUV that, if it reaches sales projections, will deplete the earth's supply of hydrogen by 2070. "America has asked for a car that does not use fossil fuels, and we've delivered," Ford CEO William Ford Jr. said Monday. "With an engine nearly 20 times as powerful as that of our gas-burning SUV, the 11-ton Foresight will be unaffected by the price-gouging whims of OPEC, as it uses water electrolysis to gather fuel from the oceans and the fresh mountain air." Ford acknowledged that, when hydrogen supplies are depleted, the usefulness of the Foresight, as well as life on earth as we know it, will end.
No One Notices Area Man's Marginal Attempts To Change #~# MIDLAND, TX—No one in Jacob Grant's life has noticed his minor attempts to become a "more thoughtful and considerate person," the new-and-improved man reported Monday. "I'm just asking for a little recognition," said Grant, who in the past week purchased a pack of cigarettes for a friend, complimented his girlfriend's new haircut, and allowed his brother to eat the last samosa. "After all, it's not like I particularly enjoy holding elevator doors open." Despite the lack of positive feedback, Grant said he plans to give his new plan at least another day or two.
Cryptozoologist Falls For It Again #~# LUBBOCK, TX—Will Reiser, an expert in the field of unsubstantiated creatures, was duped again Tuesday, when he said he'd finally found proof of the existence of the elusive Chupacabra, a quill-covered creature that feasts on the blood of livestock. "The right shank of the goat carcass I discovered on my doorstep bore the Chupacabra's distinctive cross-hatched fang pattern," Reiser said. "I have to say I'm surprised that the quills poking out of the body so closely resemble those of the hedgehog indigenous to this area." Reiser's next-door neighbor, Dan Swelter, is currently laughing his ass off.
Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to key members of the Bush Administration, the tragic proceedings of the 9/11 commission, which devastated the political lives of numerous government officials, could have been averted with preventive action in 2002 and 2003. 
We Have Confirmation That Someone Has Tested A Thanatos Device #~# Thank you for seeing us on such short notice, sir. Please take a seat. Coffee? Brandy? My humidor is open to you, if you wish. I apologize for taking you away from your family with so little warning, but events have overtaken us—events which, as you'll soon see, involve our entire organization. Sir, what I am about to tell you is known by only 11 people in the Western world—the seven of us in this room, the Acting Director, and the three pertinent members of the Staff Council. Though I know you to be circumspect and discreet, I'm afraid this is no ordinary intelligence briefing. The issue at hand is beyond the scope of even our long-term Global Strategy 7. If you'd like to sit down, we'll begin. 
Memorializing Reagan #~# People around the world have spent the last week and a half honoring Ronald Reagan. What were some of the events?
Internet Pedophilia Crackdown #~# A multinational police team plans to patrol Internet chatrooms as part of a crackdown on child pornography and pedophilia. What do you think?
Former Coworker Romanticized #~# DALLAS, TX—Six weeks after Jim Wanzeck's departure from Pedro's Mexican restaurant, remaining employees have begun to romanticize their former colleague, kitchen sources revealed Monday. 
Hey, Isn't That The Pot That's On TV? #~# Does that pot over there look familiar to you? Over there, in Aisle 7, across from the deodorants? I know I've seen that box before. Was it in the Twin Lakes Walgreens? No, that's not where it was. Hmm, where have I seen that—holy shit! That's the pot that's on TV!  
Mugger Can't Believe Crap Victim Has On MP3 Player #~# BOSTON—Following the successful mugging of a jogger in Franklin Park, petty criminal Derek Mesker announced Monday that he cannot believe the shit he's found on his victim's Philips 20GB MP3 player. "3 Doors Down? Maroon 5!" Mesker said, scrolling through the songs. "The new Counting Crows?! Man, I'm glad I pistol-whipped that motherfuck." Mesker added that the first thing he did was toss the device's "gay-ass" teal neoprene case.
66 Percent Of U.S. Citizens Object To Torture In Nonetheless Frightening Poll #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—The results of a USA Today-CNN-Gallup poll released Monday show that 66 percent of Americans object to the use of torture during times of war. "We can be proud that the majority of citizens stand against our military personnel's use of torture," Harvard statistician William Stover said. "And it's somewhat comforting that, of the 34 percent of Americans who advocate torture, 72 percent said it should be used only when other methods of discipline have failed." Reassuringly, 97 percent of Americans were against the torture of U.S. soldiers or citizens by non-Americans.
Man's Impending Death Alcohol-Related #~# MATTOON, IL—In a press conference Monday, Mattoon-area police announced that the early death of Derek Yothers, 42, will be alcohol-related.
J.K. Rowling Ends Harry Potter Series After Discovering Boys #~# EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Speaking though her publicist, author J.K. Rowling shocked fans and the publishing world Monday when she announced that she has opted to end the best-selling Harry Potter series because she has discovered boys.
Boss' Threats Hilarious #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Employees working under Champion Direct Marketing manager Dale Farner found his threats during a Monday meeting hysterical, sources told reporters. "If you like your job here, you'll start to shape up," Farner said, reprimanding a group of his underlings working in CDM's basement offices. "You think your jobs are guaranteed? Think again. I can replace any one of you, just like that. There are plenty of folks out there who would take pride in telephone sales." The employees, most of whom will quit before the end of summer, broke into giggles when Farner threatened to cancel the staff summer picnic.
Leno's Voicemail Message Pauses For Laughter #~# LOS ANGELES—Tonight Show host Jay Leno's home outgoing voicemail message stops briefly to allow for audience laughter, sources reported Monday. "You have reached the home of Mavis and Jay Leno, and if you don't know what to do by now, then you've got bigger problems than Martha Stewart,'" said Leno's recording, followed by a five-second silence. "But seriously, callers, at the beep, leave a message." After a short pause, Leno's message concluded, "Am I right?"
Congress Launches National Congress-Awareness Week #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Hoping to counter ignorance of the national legislative body among U.S. citizens, congressional leaders named the first week in August National Congress Awareness Week. "This special week is designed to call attention to America's very important federal lawmaking body," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said. "At least three citizens in every state, and as many as 55 in California, presently have some form of congressional duty, whether it's as a senator or as a representative." The festivities will kick off with a 10-mile Walk for Congress Awareness, when blue ribbons will be handed out in honor of those who served in the first 107 congresses.
Reagan To Be Honored With $5,000-A-Head Funeral #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Former President Ronald Reagan will be honored with five days of memorial services, culminating in a $5,000 a head funeral in Washington's National Cathedral Friday, Paul Darlington, a spokesman for the Bush re-election campaign, said Monday. "At 5:15 p.m. EST, former President Reagan will be escorted from the U.S. Capitol and received with ceremony at the Washington National Cathedral, where a dinner of baby arugula, roast beef, and herbed red potatoes will commence," Darlington said. "As Reagan lies in repose, a host of leading Republican party members will be available for photo opportunities. President Bush, who will deliver a eulogy at the close of the solemn gathering, is urging all Americans to dig deep into their hearts to honor this great leader." Several thousand people are expected to pay their respects.
Texas Environmentalists Lobby For Solar-Powered Electric Chair #~# AUSTIN, TX—Garrett Durning of the Texas Environmental Defense League has spent the last three months campaigning tirelessly for the installation of solar-powered electric chairs in state prisons. "Texas wastes more than 500,000 watts of electricity on every criminal it executes," Durning told reporters Monday. "We live in the 21st century, and it's high time we acted like it. Let's stop depleting our non-renewable fossil fuels. Solar power is a more energy-efficient way to execute the condemned." Durning added that wrist and ankle restraints should be made of hemp rather than leather, the use of which is cruel.
Guys' Night Out To Include Several Key Non-Guys #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Though buddies Jim Foglia, Chuck Harvestine, and Russell Vento insisted that Thursday will be a "guys night out," certain key non-guys are likely to be in attendance, sources reported Tuesday. "Honey, we're just going to be drinking beer and talking about the Reds—nothing you'd be interested in," Foglia told his wife Emily, withholding information regarding specific plans to begin the night buying drinks for college girls at the Varsity Club. "Maybe we'll stop for burgers afterward, I don't know." Based on previous "guys' nights," the trio will more likely end the night in the company of non-male lap dancers at the Vroom Vroom Room.
Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References #~# STORRS, CT—University of Connecticut sophomore Aaron Bennett, 20, was found dead of an apparent sleeping-pill overdose in his campus-area apartment Saturday, a suicide note riddled with references to the popular TV show The Simpsons on his desk. 
Jim Anchower's All About Living Life To The Fullest #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been spending a lotta time quietly reflecting on all the things going on in my life. First off, I got shitcanned from my job driving people from the airport to the car-rental place and back. I was on lunch break one day when the guy who was filling in for me dinged a car in the parking lot and didn't tell anyone. The manager thought I did it, so when I checked the bus in for the night, he fired me on the spot, without even checking out my story. Man, that hurt. I was seventh in line for a promotion. 
The New Medicare Drug Card #~# The government unveiled a Medicare presciption-drug discount card last week. What are some of the card's features?
Tenet's Resignation #~# CIA Director George Tenet resigned last week, claiming that the decision was "personal" and unconnected to recent controversies. What do you think?
List Of Friends Revised After Birthday Party #~# LOS ANGELES—Due to her friends' actions at, or absences from, her 22nd birthday party at the Three Of Clubs Saturday night, Angela Linton was forced to revise her list of friends Monday. 
Kerry Names 1969 Version Of Himself As Running Mate #~# BOSTON—Ending months of speculation, presidential hopeful Sen. John Kerry announced Tuesday that he has selected the young, vibrant, recently decorated war hero John Kerry as his running mate. 
Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station #~# MOSCOW—Orbiting the earth aboard the International Space Station, Expedition 9 scientists were chagrined to report a bevy of equipment and supply problems stemming from the behavior of an inquisitive raccoon Monday.
I'm Not Sure If I Know How To Treat A Lady #~# There are a lot of ladies out there, but if you want to keep a good one, you have to know how to make her feel appreciated. A lady wants a man who acts strong and confident. That way, she knows she's with someone who's strong and confident. Then again, ladies probably don't like men who are cocky. So I guess you should be sensitive, too. Maybe being polite is the most important thing. Or maybe it's good to know how to dance, or how to wow her in the bedroom. I don't know. I guess, when it comes down to it, I'm not sure I know how to treat a lady. 
City Maoist Visits Country Maoist #~# WUHAN, CHINA—City Maoist Xing Zhen Shengde returned Monday from a visit to Dunyang, where his country Maoist cousin Ni Yuxian resides. "The great Chairman Mao said we would build a socialist society based on agriculture and peasant farming, and that the peasant had the strength of the mountain and the wind in the trees," the urbane Marxist-Leninist reported Tuesday. "Nevertheless, I did not enjoy eating the rotting pig heads that pass for food in that hell-on-earth. Also, all of the peasants wore sandals." Ni said he understands that sturdy shoes must indeed be needed for escaping the muggers and prostitutes on every street corner in Wuhan.
Diabetic 8-Year-Old Throws Worst Birthday Party Ever #~# CARRIZOZO, NM—The 8th birthday party for diabetes-afflicted Jason Keoner was allegedly "the worst ever," partygoers reported Monday. "The only treats we got were Fresca, Go Lightly sugar-free hard candy, and a carob-chip birthday cake," 7-year-old Kim Gavin said. "When we broke the piñata open, a bunch of dried cranberries fell out." Partygoers were allegedly traumatized when the magician's performance was interrupted so Keoner could receive his insulin shot.
Area Man Accidentally Signs Up For AOL Latino #~# TOPEKA, KS—Jim Bauer, 34, accidentally signed up for AOL Latino, the sales clerk reported Monday. "The sign-up had all these steps, and I guess I just started clicking 'yes' and 'I agree,'" Bauer said. "Before I knew it, I was enrolled in some weird, alternate world where I couldn't read and didn't recognize any of the pop stars in the photos." Bauer, who doesn't speak Spanish, said he'll switch over to "regular AOL" soon, but for the time being, he can basically tell what "¡Tienes correo!" means.
Local Hamburger To Star In National Ad #~# KANKAKEE, IL—Local citizens are abuzz with the news that a local Angus beef hamburger will be featured in a national Weber gas-grill TV commercial that begins airing Monday. "We are all just so proud," Kankakee Mayor Donald Green said of the burger, which appears seated on a seeded bun and dressed with ketchup, pickles, lettuce, and a slice of tomato. "We've had some great sandwiches in this town, but none have gotten this kind of recognition. All of us who knew the burger had a hunch it was going to go on to great things." According to Green, the burger's talent agent is currently negotiating details for the burger's inclusion in a diner scene in an upcoming Will Ferrell movie.
Al-Qaeda Planning Attack #~# Last week, top U.S. officials warned that al-Qaeda plans to attack our country in the next few months. What do you think?
Tornado Safety #~# Spring is tornado season. The National Weather Service recommends taking these safety measures:
Poll: Many Americans Still Unsure Whom To Vote Against #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to Gallup Poll results released Monday, 6 percent of Americans are still undecided about whether to vote against President Bush or Democratic challenger John Kerry in November's presidential election. 
Area Father Urges Reopening Of 1998 Missing-Rake Case #~# EDINA, MN—Local resident Marsh Lufler, 51, urged family members to re-open a long-discontinued investigation into the disappearance of a lawn rake Monday. The rake, a Lawn-Grum brand spring-braced sweep rake with steel tines and a hardwood handle, has been missing from the Lufler home since 1998.
Heartbreaking Country Ballad Paralyzes Trucking Industry #~# NASHVILLE, TN—The interstate trucking industry, already beset with rising fuel prices and a shortage of qualified workers, was dealt another blow last month, with the release of the agonizingly sorrowful country ballad "She's Gone Back To What She Calls Home," by Cole Hardin.
Gay Couple Feels Pressured To Marry #~# DEDHAM, MA—Ever since last month, when Massachusetts became the first state to allow same-sex weddings, parents, friends, and coworkers have been pressuring Kristin Burton and her girlfriend Laura Miyatake to marry, the couple of 14 months said Monday.
Rumsfeld Equally Proud Of All His Wars #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced Monday that he shows no favoritism to the Iraq war and, in fact, loves all his wars equally. "Afghanistan, my first Gulf War, and all my covert operations in Central America—I may not say it often enough, but I'm as proud of them as I am of Iraqi Freedom," a beaming Rumsfeld said. "Sure, I may be giving Iraq more of my time now, but that's because it's so newly liberated. When those other wars had just started, I was just as involved with them." Rumsfeld added that he expects "a little jealousy" when mounting tensions in Syria begin to demand the Defense Department's attention.
Ask A Jostens Class-Ring Salesman #~# About three years ago, my husband and I bought an above-ground pool for the kids. They love it, and I have to admit it's a blessing on all those summer days when the temperature goes above 80. Trouble is, my husband is absolutely obsessed with it. If he's not swimming in it, he's cleaning it or tinkering with the filter. As glad as I am that he has a hobby, I wish he had a little more time for me. I miss my husband! I can't spend all my time out by the pool with him, or I'll look like a lobster by the end of summer! I don't know what to do.
You Have Been Impregnated For National-Security Reasons #~# Thank you for your call, Alice. I got here as quickly as I could. Have you told anyone else? Thank God. You have no idea what a relief that is—not just for me, but for America. It is of the utmost importance that we keep this strictly between us.
Kennel Certificate Proves Who Puppy Daddy Is #~# VALLEY MILLS, TX—An AKC certificate of pedigree proves conclusively that Duke, a 2-year-old Rottweiler from nearby Rock Springs, is the puppy daddy of Skipper, a Rottweiler born July 20, Cloverleaf Kennel sources reported Monday. "Duke can bark excuses all day and night, but this pedigree proves that Skipper his," said attorney Seth Freidman, who represents Ginger, Skipper's mama. "Duke should be responsible for Skipper's upbringing. I'm sick of hearing that it's a male dog's nature to seek out multiple breeding partners." A spokesperson for Duke said his client was lured by Ginger's promiscuity, insisting that "everyone know the bitch have litters by three different dogs before Duke."
Teen Gives Up Smoking Pot After Seeing Parents High #~# DEDHAM, MA—Elyssa Schuster, 16, swore Monday that she will never again experiment with marijuana after coming home to "obviously baked" parents Harold and Judy Saturday night. "I used to think smoking pot made you look cool, but, boy, was I wrong," Schuster said. "Dad got all paranoid about the mortgage rate while Mom spent an hour giggling about how dusty the ceiling fan was. It was so sad and depressing." Schuster said she was thankful to be scared straight before she made a fool of herself again.
Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number of Mexicans #~# MEXICO CITY—American tourist Michael Anderson expressed amazement Monday at the vast number of Mexicans populating Mexico City. "I guess it's obvious that the city would have a lot of Mexicans, but I wasn't mentally prepared for it," Anderson said. "I mean, really—they were everywhere. Tons of them. On every street corner. They were just everywhere." Last year, Anderson experienced similar culture-shock at the number of Asians in San Francisco's Chinatown.
Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Many web users were trapped without service Monday, when a large section of the Internet collapsed under the weight of the millions of baby pictures posted online. "Some personal web pages contain literally hundreds of adorable infant photos," MCI senior vice-president Vinton Cerffe said. "Add to that the number of precious pumpkins on photo-sharing sites like Ophoto.com, and anyone can see it was a recipe for disaster. The Internet simply was not designed to support so much parental pride." Cerffe said he expects regular web-traffic flow to resume once the nation's larger Internet providers are reinforced with stronger cuteness-bearing servers.
The 9/11 Panel Report #~# The 9/11 Commission's final report, released last week, cited many failures on the part of the U.S. government. What do you think? 
Rumsfeld Sick Of Jokes About His Fat Girlfriend #~# WASHINGTON, DC—During a coffee break at the Pentagon Monday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that he will no longer stand for jokes made at the expense of his 5'7", 197-pound girlfriend Mavis Delsman. "I can enjoy a good laugh just like anybody, but the next person to make a crack about my Mavis will be making jokes in the unemployment line," Rumsfeld said. "She's a very nice person and doesn't deserve to be talked about in that way." Rumsfeld added that he will take punitive action against the entire department if he even hears the phrase "junk in the trunk," whether it's in reference to Delsman or not.
Kickboxer, Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, To Continue In A Moment #~# ATLANTA—Kickboxer, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, will resume after a brief pause, TNT sources reported several seconds ago. 
Where The Fuck Is Diane With My Fair-Trade Coffee? #~# Marla? Get in here. Where the fuck is Diane with my coffee? I sent her out 15 minutes ago for a large cup of fair-trade Ethiopian Dark Roast from the La Paz coffee shop. How hard could it be? You walk your ass to the corner, hand them my Utne Reader travel mug, plunk down the money, and pick up the coffee. Add a little soy milk and two natural-cane sugar packets, and you make sure the lid is tight. That's so simple, even Diane should be able to do it without fucking up. 
John Glenn Installed In Smithsonian #~# WASHINGTON, DC—John Glenn, the first American to orbit the earth and the oldest man ever in space, is being honored by the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum, which has installed the former U.S. senator as the centerpiece of its upcoming Milestones Of Flight exhibit. 
Holding A Yard Sale #~# A yard sale is a great way to make money while getting rid of clutter. Here are some tips to make your sale a success: 
Strip Club Makes Commitment To Hire More Minorities #~# TAMPA, FL—Richard Brainard, owner of Shakerz Gentlemen's Lounge, announced plans Monday to hire more minorities at his Kennedy Boulevard nightspot. 
Bush Campaign Costs #~# As of the beginning of July, President Bush had spent roughly $160 million on his re-election effort. How was some of the money spent?
Lifelong Love Affair With Music Ends At Age 35 #~# CLEVELAND, OH—Sam Powers' lifelong passion for music ended this past weekend, when the 35-year-old camera-store assistant manager realized that he no longer derives pleasure from listening to and acquiring new music.
Give Me Just One More Chance #~# If you knew how much pain I am in while I write this column, you would read it all the way to the end and be moved by the heartache in every word. Each sentence contains the pain of my soul, and in particular the part of the soul that yearns for you but has been pushed aside.
Some Sense Knocked Into Girlfriend's Son #~# ENOCHVILLE, NC—Stu Ayden knocked some sense into the thick skull of 9-year-old Jesse Wilkerson Monday night. "Since Jesse's real father is not around, it is sometimes necessary for another man, in this case Ayden, to step in as a male parent surrogate," said Dr. Frank Gillette, a child psychologist. "Jesse spilled half a glass of Hi-C fruit punch on the carpet of Ayden's mobile home, so as Jesse's mother's boyfriend, it was his responsibility to answer the behavior with a thorough ass-beating." When questioned by reporters, Ayden said he is glad to serve as Jesse's caretaker so long as his mama keeps payin' the rent.
Garroting Survivors Call For Wire Ban #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The nation's garroting survivors demonstrated outside the Capitol Monday, raising a hoarse but plaintive cry for a nationwide ban on potentially lethal wire. "Every year, dozens of people are severely injured or even killed by garroting," croaked Gerald Michaels, who still bears a necklace of scars from a 1997 telephone-cord-assisted mugging that nearly claimed his life. "This legacy of shame will continue until we eliminate the lethal wires that run through our homes, above our streets, and through our very way of life." Michaels recently accepted a $2 million grant from a coalition of sponsors that included Bluetooth and Cingular Wireless.
Area Man Bored With All The Porn He Owns #~# BREAUX BRIDGE, LA—Gil Peterson has grown tired of his current collection of sexually explicit videotapes, DVDs, and magazines, the 44-year-old delivery-truck driver said Monday. "I tried to rewatch Butt Fuck Sluts Go Nuts again, but it was so boring," Peterson said. "I mean, how many times can you watch the same set of twins double-team the black guy on the back of a motorcycle?" Peterson said he will have one more look at the tape, but can't promise he'll achieve orgasm.
Work Friends Calling Bill 'William' #~# BENBROOK, TX—Close friends and neighbors attending the backyard barbecue of Bill Hunkins were surprised to hear the host's coworkers call him "William," attendees reported Monday. "All these people kept saying, 'Mmm, this is delicious, William' and 'Hand me a beer, William,'" Hunkin's friend Bryan Koppe said. "It was so bizarre. Why weren't they calling him by his name? Were they trying to give him shit or something?" Koppe added that Hunkins once spent a semester answering to the nickname "El Pudd."
White House Declares War On DSL Provider #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Bush Administration is awaiting congressional approval for an official act of war against high-speed DSL service provider Qwest, White House officials confirmed Tuesday. "After two weeks of trying to peaceably resolve our differences with Qwest, we have decided that this poor customer service will not stand," Bush said in a televised address. "I waited in the Oval Office all day for the technician to show up, and then, when I called them to find out where he was, I was transferred to another phone rep and got disconnected. We will begin bombarding them with tersely worded e-mails as early as next week." This marks the third time Bush has declared war this month, following conflicts with DIRECTV and the Potomac Electric Power Company.
The Democratic National Convention #~# The 2004 Democratic National Convention will be held in Boston July 26-29. What is planned?
Chimps In Danger Of Extinction #~# Researchers recently said that the chimpanzee, hunted for meat and threatened by deforestation, could be extinct in 50 years. What do you think?
Study: Majority Of Americans Out Of Touch With Mainstream #~# NEW YORK—According to a study published by the Popular Culture Research Group Monday, the majority of American citizens are out of touch with mainstream American society. 
You Mean I Could Get Paid For Writing Commercial Jingles? #~# Slow down, Scooter. If I'm hearing you right, you're telling me I should quit my data-entry job and take up full-time what I've always done for fun? You're really telling me to pursue my hobby as a means of income? I don't believe it. You mean I could get paid for writing catchy 10- to 30-second jingles about local and national consumer products and services? 
This Is Not The Time For Compassion And Healing #~# Citizens, friends, and neighbors, we have come together today to reflect on recent events which have deeply wounded this community, and which will no doubt resonate with all of us for a long time to come. You are all undoubtedly feeling many complicated emotions right now—anger, confusion, resentment. But I would like for you to keep one thing in mind: This is not the time for compassion and healing.  
Secretary Of Defense Humiliated As U.S. Credit Card Rejected #~# ST. LOUIS—An attempt to build international goodwill backfired horribly for Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld Monday, when he was unable to pick up the tab for Australian Defense Minister Sen. Robert Hill's order of 11 Apache AH-64 helicopters using the U.S.'s credit card. 
Divorced Branding Exec Generates Buzz Before Getting Back Out There #~# CHICAGO—Recently divorced Saatchi & Saatchi branding executive Brad Stritch, 38, has already generated considerable buzz in the Chicago singles community about his return to the highly competitive world of dating, friends and coworkers told the press Monday.
73 Percent Of U.S. Livestock Show Signs Of Clinical Depression #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a joint study conducted by the FDA and the Department of Agriculture, nearly three out of four members of the U.S. livestock population show signs of clinical depression, with the vast majority of cases going untreated, government officials said Monday.
Nerd Has Most Obscure Crush Ever #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—The unrequited nature of area nerd June Manzo's crush on actor Peter Tuddenham, who provides the voice of piloting computer Slave on Blake's 7, is only slightly more agonizing than the process of explanation she must put herself through every time her media obsession is discussed. "He has this slightly sinister but dynamic way of speaking on the show, particularly in the 'Headhunter' episode," Manzo said, painstakingly describing Tuddenham to fellow science-fiction fan Bradley Preakniss. "When I hear his voice congratulating Avon on his 'consummate skill,' I just get shivers… Doesn't that ring a bell? No? Not at all?" Manzo's crush is surpassed in geekiness and obscurity only by that of Denver's Demitri Ostrow, who has a long-harbored passion for author Neil Gaiman's "fabulous" assistant Lorraine.
Child 'Very Sorry' For Slapping Teddy Bear #~# CARY, NC—Arthur Hollis, 8, delivered a heartfelt apology to his favorite, most-special teddy bear, Raymond, after slapping him across the face and knocking him off the bed Monday. "I don't know why I do it, Raymond," Hollis said to the stuffed bear as he cradled it in his arms. "I'm very sorry. I'll never do it again, I promise." Hollis' father Daniel reported that his son has a history of domestic toy violence, harassment of the family cats, and wild outbursts after consuming too many gummi bears.
Noisy Upstairs Neighbors Wake Man At 3 P.M. #~# SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—The inconsiderate residents of the apartment above Jim Bracker, 23, woke him from a sound slumber several minutes before 3 p.m. Monday. "Christ, quit with the aerobics already," a groggy Bracker shouted toward the ceiling. "You've been jumping up and down for half an hour!" Unable to return to sleep, Bracker resigned himself to channel-surfing until he was forced to drag himself into the shower and ready himself to meet a friend for a 5:15 p.m. movie.
Girl Slept With For Her Sake #~# TULSA, OK—University of Tulsa sophomore Ben Stoll was gracious enough to sleep with third-year law student Rosie Andriessen Monday. "Rosie had been acting insecure and needy all evening, so I figured I'd help her out a bit," said Stoll, who met Andriessen last year through common friends. "She probably thinks she's too chubby. It must be a big boost for her to have sex with a guy like me." Stoll decided not to call Andriessen the next day, nor to return any calls she might make, so as not to get her hopes up.
University Implicated In Checks-For-Degrees Scheme #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—The University of Michigan has become the 17th institution of higher learning to be implicated in the checks-for-degrees scandal rocking American campuses, representatives from the Department of Justice reported Tuesday. 
Does Iran Pose A Threat? #~# While Iran did free the British sailors it detained last month, the country is still threatening to restart its nuclear program. What do you think?
Ringtones #~# Ringtone downlaods of songs are becoming a huge moneymaker for the mobile-phone industry. Why are they so popular?
Why No One Want Make Hulk 2? #~# X2 come out last year. Spider-Man 2 come out last month. Both great sequels to great movies about Hulk friends. Hulk love great action movies about friends! People buy tickets. Make money for theaters, make money for movie company. Movie company make more movies with money. Already, they working on X-Men 3. Hulk movie come out last year. It success. It big popcorn movie with heart. So why no one want make Hulk 2? It make Hulk mad! 
Report: Scientists Still Seeking Cure For Obesity #~# CHICAGO, IL—In spite of billions of dollars spent and decades of research, scientists at the University of Chicago said Monday that the scientific community is no closer to finding a cure for the potentially fatal disease of obesity. 
Sheepish Secret Service Agent Can't Explain How Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Got Into Oval Office #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Secret Service agent Martin Bowhan was unable to explain to his direct superior how Electrolux sales representative Don Karn managed to breach White House security Monday. "[Karn] said that he needed to speak to the president, and before anyone could stop him, he strolled right into the Oval Office," Bowhan said. "I burst in there to find him dumping red wine, mud, and some blue liquid onto the rug, which was a personal gift from Chinese president Chiang Kai-shek to President Nixon. I have to admit that the stains did come out quickly and easily." While escorting Karn out of the building, Bowhan made payment arrangements for the Aptitude ultra-quiet upright vacuum the president had ordered.
Bill Maher Spends All Night Arguing With Republican Hooker #~# LOS ANGELES—Sources close to Bill Maher report that the comedian and host of HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher spent Friday evening arguing with Carolyn Dobson, a prostitute from the London Escorts Agency and a supporter of the Republican Party. 
Series Of Serial-Killer Killings Rocks Serial-Killer Community #~# INDIANAPOLIS, IN—The recent murders of six serial killers have shaken the serial-killer community to its core, ushering in a new era of fear, suspicion, and mistrust, homicidal maniacs reported Monday.
Man, That Mourning Really Did The Trick! #~# Hey, have any of you guys ever tried mourning? Like, after someone close to you passes away? Oh my God, you have to. Seriously, it's amazing. After the death of a loved one, a period of grieving totally clears your head. I know that sounds like a bunch of touchy-feely, New Age bullcrap, but it works. 
Devious Rabbit Tricks Bush Into Signing Gun Ban #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The  nation's sweeping new gun-control legislation is the result of a confidence trick pulled on President Bush by a devious rabbit, White House sources said Tuesday. The "Coney Act," which Bush signed into law Monday, prohibits the sale or ownership of handguns and semi-automatic weapons and enacts harsh penalties for the hunting of small game, most notably rabbits. 
7-Year-Old Loses Respect For Shrek After Seeing Him In Burger King Commercial #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Cale Parnell, 7, said Monday that he no longer holds Shrek in high regard, ever since the green ogre started appearing in TV ads for Burger King Kids Meals. "Shrek just wants to sell things and make money," Parnell said. "He doesn't care if kids like me are having fun." Parnell added that Shrek is "just like that stupid money-grubber SpongeBob SquarePants." 
Sara Gilbert Crush Finally Starting To Subside #~# STEVENS POINT, WI—Area accountant James Perloff's crush on actress Sara Gilbert, best known for her portrayal of sarcastic teenager Darlene Conner on the sitcom Roseanne, has finally started to wane, the 30-year-old reported Monday. "I saw [Gilbert] on a talk show yesterday and my heart barely fluttered. When I was in high school, if Darlene walked on screen, my chest would absolutely pound," Perloff said. "Maybe I've turned a corner on this thing." Perloff said he first detected the waning of his crush when he neglected to see Riding In Cars With Boys in the theater.
Cashier Learning Valuable But Illegal Job Skills #~# BUTTE, MT—Three weeks into his first job, part-time Big Sky Foods cashier Vance Freeman is picking up invaluable but criminal workplace skills, the 16-year-old reported Monday. "This is just a minimum-wage job, but by taking the initiative to skim the till, I'm preparing for my future," Freeman said, as he surreptitiously slipped three quarters into his pocket. "Someday, I'll be able to apply my knowledge to a lucrative career in white-collar crimes like embezzlement, insider trading, maybe even fraud." Freeman said he's looking forward to his break, when Greg the produce guy will show him how to prop open the service entrance so he can sneak food out to his car.
Al-Qaeda Hires Public-Relations Consultant Just To Shoot Him #~# BAGHDAD—Al-Qaeda operative Mullah Hashem hired Elliot Dobin, a consultant for the Boston public-relations firm Schneider & Koff, for the sole purpose of murdering him, sources reported Monday. "The al-Qaeda have taken such a beating in the press that we figured they wanted to clean up their media image, so we sent our best guy," firm partner Jerry Koff said. "But Elliot had barely shaken everyone's hand when Hashem and his guards shoved him up against the wall and shot him in the back of the head. He didn't even get to show them his PowerPoint presentation." Bergman said he'll confront Hashem about the incident as soon as he figures out a way to spin Dobin's shooting into a positive.
Fahrenheit 9/11 #~# Michael Moore's documentary Fahrenheit 9/11 has broken box-office records, but some Bush supporters say it's flawed. What is the basis of their objections?
Count Those Blessings #~# Whew! Boy, Jeanketeers, having Type 2 diabetes is no picnic. (Pun definitely intended!) To a person who believes in living life to the fullest and treating herself well, diabetes' constraints can be painful, to say the least. I always figured diabetics just took medication to regulate their insulin levels, but nope. I have to eat a diet lower in fat and calories, get regular exercise, and, most yucko of all, test my blood-sugar levels before meals by pricking my finger and taking a reading of the blood on a glucometer. A real bummer when you're dying to dig into your yummy (not!) salad. Also, I have to check my feet every day. (Don't ask.) It's a real bummer, too, especially since I have a little trouble with the reach. (I don't even wear shoes with laces!) 
Nation’s Liberals Suffering From Outrage Fatigue #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Monday by the Hammond Political Research Group, many of the nation's liberals are suffering from a vastly diminished sense of outrage. 
The Interest-Rate Hike #~# Last week, the Federal Reserve raised a key short-term interest rate for the first time in four years. What do you think? 
D.C. Site Of First Homeless Depot #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a grand opening Monday, Washington became home to the first Homeless Depot, one link in a nationwide chain of warehouse-style stores that will supply the nation's estimated 350,000 homeless people with all of their street-lifestyle essentials. 
I Guess Now Would Be As Good A Time As Any To Triumph Over Adversity #~# They say that in every man's life there comes a time of reckoning when, faced with impossible odds, he must reach deep inside his soul and find the strength to rise to the occasion. I've never really gathered my strength and I haven't really risen to many occasions. I guess I couldn't say I've ever triumphed over adversity before. But I guess now might be as good a time as any. 
Activities Director Makes Most Of Hostage Situation #~# ITAMARAJU, BRAZIL—Four days after criminal organization Comando Vermelho seized control of the Novo Mundo Resort, activities director Janet Puchesy, 28, continues to make the most of the tense situation, bringing fun and creativity to the storage room where she and her fellow survivors are trapped, the hostage reported Monday. 
Mild Sexual Harassment Ignored To Save The Hassle #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Mindy Neuberg, 29, ignored an instance of sexual harassment "just to avoid the hassle," the attractive writer reported Tuesday. "This bouncer at Sweeney's pulled me out of the line to 'frisk me for weapons,' and after calling me 'sweet-cheeks,' he spent way too much time checking me for a gun," Neuberg said. "I should have complained, but I would've had to get his name, find the manager, and make my case… It just didn't seem worth it." Neuberg said that her decision to drop the issue was also influenced by the fact that, "after getting publicly felt up by some meathead," she really needed to get to the bar for a gin and tonic.
Shiny, Wriggling Object Attracting Interest Among Fish Community #~# BRULE RIVER, WI—The appearance of a shiny, bobbling object in the water of the Brule, just upstream of the big sunken oak stump, is generating considerable interest among members of the fish community, river sources reported Monday. 
Prizes On Price Is Right Looking Better As Man Ages #~# YORBA LINDA, CA—Local electrician Ryan DeRegotis, 35, said Tuesday that the prizes on The Price Is Right look more appealing every year. "I gotta say, a dinette set and a china cabinet would be nice," DeRegotis said. "If I were called out of the studio audience, I'd be thrilled to win something as practical as a washer and dryer. Do you have any idea how expensive those things are?" DeRegotis added that he wouldn't turn up his nose at a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni. 
Salad Rendered Unhealthy In Three Steps #~# PINE BLUFF, AR—A nutritious meal was rendered unhealthy in three easy steps Monday, when area resident Kimberly Lowen, 24, added ranch dressing, grated cheese, and four crumbled strips of bacon to a bowl of romaine lettuce and tomatoes. "Who says not eating right has to take a lot of time?" Lowen said. "It only took minutes to prepare a salad that will provide me with my daily recommended intake of fat and sodium." Lowen has previously rendered a glass of skim milk unhealthy, simply by adding ice cubes and chocolate syrup and mixing it in a blender on low.
Swing States Roughed Up By Bush, Kerry Operatives #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The 22 battleground states in the 2004 presidential election said Monday that they have received threats, both direct and veiled, from Kerry and Bush campaign operatives. "Now, you listen up, Iowa—you're voting for Kerry, see, and you're gonna like it," an unidentified Kerry-Edwards thug allegedly told the Midwestern state, which controls seven electoral votes. "Youse got some real nice agribusiness in your state. Sure would be a shame to see you lose it. Get the picture?" In a similar vein, should Ohio's 20 votes not end up in the red column, a team of Bush's goons has allegedly threatened to throw the state's several thousand wheelchair-bound grandmothers down a flight of stairs.
What's Hot Besides The Weather? Find Out Here! #~# This is a special edition of The Outside Scoop. It's time for the Jackie Harvey Hot List! This is where I make my picks on the big things to watch for in 2004, by declaring them "hot." And, in this case, it's not the humidity heating things up. Grab a Popsicle and let's go! 
The Republican National Convention #~# The Republican National Convention will be held in New York City Aug. 30 through Sept. 2. What will the event feature?
The Widening Income Gap #~# According to a recent report based on census data, the gap between the rich and poor widened in 2003. What do you think?
T.G.I. Friday's Given One Last Shot #~# HOUSTON—In spite of experiences he has had with T.G.I. Friday's in the past, Nate Greisberg has decided to give the popular restaurant a final chance, the 29-year-old told reporters Monday.  
Dolph Lundgren Wins Long, Courageous Battle Against Fame #~# NEW YORK—In 1983, the future looked bright for Hans Lundgren. A native of Stockholm, Sweden, Lundgren had already schooled at the Royal Institute of Technology, attended Washington State University on an academic scholarship, and completed his masters degree in Chemical Engineering at the University of Sydney in Australia. Then, the young scientist was awarded the prestigious Fullbright Scholarship to MIT. But it was while he was on his way to Boston to continue his studies that the burgeoning scientist's life took a fateful turn—one that would leave Lundgren fighting for a normal existence for the next 20 years. While working at the trendy Limelight Disco in New York, he met noted drama coach Warren Robertson, who spotted in Lundgren the early signs of fame. 
Online University Cracks Down On Rowdy Online Fraternity #~# MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Capella University, one of the nation's most heavily trafficked institutions of online learning, issued a stern disciplinary e-mail message to the members of the disorderly Alpha Sigma Sigma online fraternity Monday.
CEO Spends 30 Percent Of Earnings Staying Out Of Jail #~# NEW YORK—Bellcroft Industries CEO Robert M. Burdick said Monday that he spends up to 30 percent of his $2.4 million salary keeping himself out of jail. "Accountants who can hide illegal profits and lawyers who know how to set up off-shore companies don't come cheap," Burdick said. "My recent 20 percent raise isn't that great when you consider how many people I have to pay to keep me out of prison." In addition to losing 30 percent off the top each year, Burdick spends 5 percent of his income on taxes.
Customer Service Operator Safely In Remote Location #~# PHOENIX, AZ—Incompetent and uncaring U-Haul helpline operator Kamio Morton's remote Phoenix location is the only thing protecting him from brutal, bloody revenge at the hands of thousands of irate customers, sources reported Monday. "Listen, shitass, get me a tow truck right this fucking minute or, so help me God, I'll gut you," stranded Brooklyn motorist Don Jewison said from the shoulder of Chicago's I-294, where he had been awaiting assistance for more than four hours. "Put me on hold one more time, and I'll put you in the fucking hospital." Jewison is the 63rd motorist to impotently threaten Morton's life this year, a streak that is expected to come to a sudden end when a U-Haul truck inevitably breaks down within walking distance of Phoenix.
Well, Those White House Security Guards Certainly Were Rude #~# I've traveled all over this country, but I don't believe that I've ever in all my years been treated as poorly as I was at the White House today. I was shouted at, grabbed, and treated like some sort of vagabond. I would expect that sort of thing in Russia, but not in a free country. Those uniformed guards sure could stand to learn some manners. 
Who Do You Think You Are—Former New Orleans Saints Linebacker Pat Swilling? #~# Okay, Gerald, I've heard about as much out of you as I can take. All I get from you lately is eye-rolling and swaggering, like you're too good for the mere mortals of Mercury Insurance.You act like you're doing us a favor just showing up. Who do you think you are—former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling? 
Waiting-Room Copy Of People Brings Area Man Up To Speed On Paris Hilton #~# TULSA, OK—While waiting to see dermatologist Rawson Meyers, Randy Slocum was "brought up to speed" on the life of Paris Hilton by an Aug. 9 issue of People magazine Monday. "I never quite knew what Paris Hilton did, besides get some home-sex tape put on the Internet," Slocum said during the 18 minutes he spent waiting to have a benign mole removed. "Well, it turns out she wrapped up a second season of The Simple Life, this TV show she does with Lionel Richie's daughter. And she was dating some guy named Nick Carter, but they broke up." An article about Jessica Simpson also cleared up Slocum's previous assumption that Hilton starred in the MTV reality show Newlyweds. 
Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant #~# TUCSON, AZ—Human-resources manager Dave Buckner, 27, said Monday that longtime girlfriend Janice Feener, 24, has been "a lot more clingy" ever since July, when she learned she was pregnant with his child. "All of a sudden, she's saying 'I love you' six times a day and wants to sit around hugging on the couch all night," Buckner said. "I'm not sure what's gotten into her, but it's getting really annoying." Buckner added that there's no way he can stand six and a half more months of Feener's behavior, and is considering buying her a puppy to keep her company.
Personal Life A Total Waste Of Time #~# ALTOONA, PA—Stockbroker Donald Guy, 38, announced Monday that his non-work life is "a complete waste of time." "I spent the weekend reading, watching movies, and visiting friends." Guy said. "I didn't get a damn thing done." He added that he might have gotten more accomplished Sunday had he not been burdened with the need to go swimming with his wife and children.
State Bird Reconsidered After Latest Wren Attack #~# COLUMBIA, SC—Gov. Mark Sanford spoke out Monday in favor of changing his state's bird from the Carolina wren to "anything else" following the ninth unprovoked wren attack this year. "In light of last week's events, I strongly feel the wren is no longer a good representative for the state of South Carolina," Sanford said, referring to Friday's tragic dive-bombing and pecking incident at a Myrtle Beach preschool. "Maybe it's time we recognize one of our more docile birds, like the robin or the magnolia warbler." Sanford advised anyone hearing the wren's cries of "tea-kettle, tea-kettle" to run for cover immediately. 
Republicans Outraged By Inaccuracies In Metallica Documentary #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Republican congressmen lambasted the documentary Metallica: Some Kind Of Monster for its "gross inaccuracies and fabrications" Monday. "[Filmmakers] Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky are clearly biased," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said. "By editing together concert footage from three different mediocre shows, they have given the general public a false impression that Metallica still kicks ass." Hastert added that there is no hard evidence to support the film's argument that the album St. Anger has more thrashing riffs than Kill 'Em All.
Bush Finally Gets Oval Office Just The Way He Wants It #~# WASHINGTON, DC—After four different color schemes, a Tiki phase, and more than three years spent rearranging furniture, President Bush has the Oval Office set up just the way he wants it, the chief executive said in an informal press conference Monday. 
Gay Marriage In San Francisco #~# Last week, California's Supreme Court voided about 4,000 same-sex marriages performed by the mayor of San Francisco earlier this year. What do you think?
Summer Olympics Programming #~# Thousands of TV hours are being dedicated to coverage of the Summer Olympics. What programming will sports fans see?
Local Sheriff Suspects Al-Qaeda Or Teens #~# BARABOO, WI—Sauk County Sheriff Virgil "Butch" Steinhorst announced Tuesday that he believes a recent rash of Baraboo-area crimes was perpetrated by the al-Qaeda terrorist network or teenagers.
America's Sweetheart Dumps U.S. For Some Douchebag #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Americans gathered Monday to discuss their feelings of heartbreak, anger, and resentment toward America's sweetheart Kirsten Dunst, after the film star broke up with the U.S. to be with some douchebag that everyone thought was gay.
Education Is Our Passport To The Something Or Other #~# I once spoke to a couple who arrived in the U.S. as political refugees. They were poor, hungry, without friends, and of very limited resources, and yet they spent close to 70 percent of their income on the education of their son. I asked them why, and I'll never forget what they said. "People can take your house, your car, and your clothes. They can take away your family, your liberty, and even your life. But they can never—something about education."
Naughty Baker's Diminished Sex Drive Starting To Affect His Work #~# GRAND FORKS, ND—Erotic baker Kevin Nageli has experienced a decline in the quality of his work following a recent reduction in his sex drive, Naughty Bites sources said Monday.
Employee's Loyalty Garners CEO's Contempt #~# NEW YORK—Associate account manager Henry Keel's devotion to Wegman Financial Corp. fills CEO Roger K. Scarvon with contempt, Scarvon said Tuesday. "I can't imagine spending 23 years at one firm with nothing more to show for it than a position in middle-management," said Scarvon, who has been an executive at seven different companies since 1994. "Really, he might as well just paint the word 'sucker' on his forehead." Scarvon said Keel will pay for his steadfast loyalty when he loses his job and pension after Wegman Financial is "gutted and resold" in June 2005.
Black Guy Doesn't Talk About All The Times He Didn't Get Discriminated Against #~# DETROIT, MI—Renald Boyd, 27, of course doesn't mention all the times he wasn't discriminated against, sources reported Tuesday. "I had the lease all set up through an agent," Boyd said. "But then, when I went in to sign it, the landlord suddenly started acting all weird and said he had to run out for a minute. We sat there for an hour before the agent got him on the phone, at which point the landlord said he was looking for a 'quieter type.' This country is insane." Boyd naturally failed to mention that the real-estate agent worked with him with no hesitation, and that the taxi he took away from the real-estate agency was only the second one that he'd attempted to hail. 
Man Miscast In Role of Father #~# BECKLEY, WV—Critics, social workers, and peers agreed Monday that Michael Jans was horribly miscast as the father of 5-year-old Tyler Beecham. "Michael would be great playing the drunken buddy, or the deadbeat brother who can't hold down a job, but he's just not very believable as Daddy," ex-girlfriend Karen Beecham said. "I had hoped Michael would grow into the role, but I'm rethinking that idea. It's a very demanding part, and I need someone who can do it without a lot of direction." Beecham will begin re-casting the father role at Scooter's Pub on Thursday at 8 p.m.
Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Tree House #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Junior building inspector Thomas Spengler, 8, ordered the closure of a tree house owned by Jimmy Herman Monday. "The tree house will remain closed until improvements are made to its structure," Spengler said. "The rope ladder leading up to the house needs to be brought into compliance with local building codes. Also, the structural integrity of the clubhouse, wedged as it is into Old Man Kessler's oak tree, is compromised by the hastily added lookout post." Spengler threatened to close the tree house permanently should Herman fail to bring its tire swing up to code.
Things Are Starting To Turn Around #~# Hola, amigos. How's every little thing? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've barely had a chance to catch my breath these days. Ron hooked me up with a job at the carbonics plant where he works. For a while, I was the guy that cut blocks of dry ice. It was all right, but I didn't know Ron was gonna be my supervisor. I was able to put up with that for about two seconds before I stopped showing up. There's no way that mallethead is going to tell me what to do. He even wrote me up for being late. 
The Call For A National Intel Chief #~# Last week, President Bush called for the creation of a national intelligence director. What are some of the director's likely duties.
Recreational Viagra Use #~# According to a recent study, recreational use of Viagra is on the rise among younger men who don't suffer from impotence. What do you think?
Kerry Unveils One-Point Plan For Better America #~# WICHITA, KS—Delivering the central speech of his 10-day "Solution For America" bus campaign tour Monday, Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry outlined his one-point plan for a better America: the removal of George W. Bush from the White House. 
Al-Qaeda Chatter Deteriorates Into Gossip #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Terrorist chatter about a possible al-Qaeda attack against the U.S. deteriorated into gossip Monday, according to top federal intelligence officials. "We intercepted a phone call in which two al-Qaeda operatives were discussing plans to conduct reconnaissance missions at certain U.S. landmarks," CIA operative Tim Huber said. "But the conversation quickly devolved into a 20-minute discussion of what someone named Majida Sa'doon was doing at Kanebi Hadi Hameeb's home at sunrise." Huber added that the gossip is a "definite improvement" over the glut of small talk about recipes, children, and goats that dominated conversation at this time last year.
Where Are You Now, When We Need You Most, Rage Against The Machine? #~# For nearly 10 years, Rage Against The Machine provided a voice for the disaffected, the disenfranchised, and the angry. Blending punk, pop, hip-hop, metal, and thrash, their music fought corporate America, cultural imperialism, and government oppression head on during a time when most of America was lulled into a Clinton-induced torpor. When Rage Against The Machine's cry for justice was amplified by a major-label debut in 1992, hundreds of thousands of American youths turned to them for guidance. Over the course of eight years, Rage released three original albums and one covers album, each a new and varied challenge, a 60-minute call to arms, a soul cry for the low and lost. 
Bargoer Starts To Hit Stride After Hitting On Fifth Girl #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Brad Framik, a contract attorney at Russell Law Offices and self-described "player," announced Saturday that he was "starting to hit my stride" after unsuccessfully coming on to five women at the Red Rock nightclub.
Area Seventh-Grader Now A Woman #~# DURHAM, NH—Friends, family members, and teachers close to former little girl Sally Erhardt report that the seventh-grader is now a woman, due to a physical change that occurred in the Durham West Middle School girls' restroom Monday.
U.S. Military Clears A-Team Of Charges #~# WASHINGTON, DC—After more than 30 years spent hiding in the Los Angeles underground as wanted criminals, the members of the crack commando unit Alpha Team, commonly known as the A-Team, were cleared of all charges brought against them by the U.S. military, an army official announced Monday.
College Student Does Nothing For Tibet Over Summer #~# BURLINGTON, VT—University of Vermont junior Becca Davis failed to do anything for the people of Tibet during her summer vacation, disgruntled fellow activists reported Tuesday. 
CIA Asks Bush To Discontinue Blog #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In the interest of national security, President Bush has been asked to stop posting entries on his three-month-old personal web log, acting CIA director John E. McLaughlin said Monday. 
Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment #~# MILWAUKEE—A WITI News camera crew spent 30 minutes inconspicuously following an overweight woman at the Henry W. Maier Festival Park Monday to capture footage for an upcoming segment on obesity. "It's hard to get anyone to agree to be filmed to illustrate what a fat person looks like," cameraman Doug Kovalik said, nonchalantly pointing his camera at an obese woman who was tugging at a pair of shorts bunched into her crotch while she ate a corn dog. "We avoid the whole mess by shooting them from behind or the neck down. It saves us the hassle of filling out release forms." Kovalik last used this discreet filming technique in May, when he captured B-roll at a local craft mall for a segment on managed care for the elderly. 
Man In International Airport Only Speaks Business #~# CHICAGO—John Brinker, a New York technological consultant trapped in the O'Hare International Airport for two hours Monday, struggled to communicate with fellow travelers, none of whom spoke business. "Should Mynex reach efficient levels, their high-volume production of microanalyzers will offset tariff and transportation costs and place Sysmet in a competitive position against local producers and distributors," Brinker said to a vacationing English speaker from Boise, ID who shrugged apologetically. "A 25 percent growth rate is the motivation for manufacturing in the NICs." Brinker was later seen blinking uncomprehendingly at a bus-stop sign while awaiting his company limousine.
Maid Dreams Children Will One Day Be Maids In Wealthier Households #~# LOS ANGELES—Estella Lopez expressed hope Monday that her children will enjoy a brighter future as housekeepers in wealthier households. "I want my daughters to have a better life than I've had," Lopez said. "I dream that one day they will serve in a beautiful home, polishing windows overlooking the ocean and disinfecting toilets made of marble. God willing, they'll be asked to scrub a bidet someday." Lopez added that she fantasizes about her son parking a Bentley.
Wendy's New Homestyle Chicken Strips Salad Shamelessly Touted #~# DUBLIN, OH—Using billboards, bus ads, and TV commercials, the fast-food franchise Wendy's is unabashedly plugging its Homestyle Chicken Strips Salad, sources reported Monday. "I can't believe Wendy's is putting up posters calling their own salad 'sensational' and 'satisfying,'" said Donald Merrill, a former customer. "It's immodest to the point of embarrassment." Merrill added that he remembers when "hot and juicy" actually meant something.
Nader's Platform #~# What are some of the planks of presidential hopeful Ralph Nader's platform?
Movie Praised For Not Being As Bad As It Could Have Been #~# BURBANK, CA—Moviegoers coast to coast hailed Catwoman, the new action film starring Halle Berry, as not as much of an unforgivably awful piece of formulaic commercial pabulum as it could have been. 
Ask A Guy Who Just Ran, Like, Nine Blocks #~# My mother-in-law is very attentive, generous, and helpful. She's always ready to lend a hand—and that's the problem! She's constantly buying things for my family's house (she and her husband are quite wealthy). Last week, she took it upon herself to buy us new living-room furniture. Maybe she's doing this out of the goodness of her heart, but I can't help but feel like she's criticizing our home. She's coming for an extended visit next month, and I am sure she'll show up with a load of presents in the car and a tape measure in her pocket. Is there a nice way to ask her to leave the decorating to me? 
The Crisis In Sudan #~# The U.S. has threatened economic action against the Sudanese government if it fails to disarm Arab militias, but some doubt it will curb the violence. What do you think? 
I'm The Life Of The Search Party! #~# In the unforgiving mountain terrain, each action can be a life-or-death decision, and every single person must be focused on his assigned responsibility. Carlos is a world-class expert on belaying ropes. Joe is an emergency field-rescue medical technician with more than 20 years' experience working in dangerously high altitudes. Brian is an expert at coordinating communications between the recon helicopters and the ground team. Me? I'm the life of the search party. 
Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On #~# SALEM, OR—Kimberly Jones, 43, vividly remembers the bygone days when she took umbrage at being pursued by aggressive suitors, sources reported Monday. "I was quite the looker back in college—I couldn't even go out for a few drinks with my girlfriends without some guy macking on me," Jones said from the kitchen of her one-bedroom apartment. "That used to really piss me off for some reason I can no longer even begin to fathom. Maybe my memory is starting to go." Jones then gazed longingly into her cup of tea.
Deadbeat Dads March On Las Vegas #~# LAS VEGAS—As many as 40,000 deadbeat dads descended on Las Vegas Friday for a massive, weekend-long show of non-support for their children.
Report: Iraq War Keeping Thousands Out Of Unemployment Line #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A Department of Labor report praised the positive effect the Iraq War has had on the strained U.S. job market, Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao said Monday. "A whopping 140,000 U.S. citizens are gainfully employed as military personnel in Iraq," Chao said. "The war is not just keeping these young men and women out of the unemployment lines, but it's also teaching them such valuable skills as operating radar equipment, driving an M1A1 Abrams battle tank, or bagging and tagging bodies." Chao said that most troops won't need to look for new work for another four to seven years.
Produce Section Bursts Into Laughter After Will Ferrell Makes Casual Remark About Apples #~# LOS ANGELES—Patrons of the Trader Joe's grocery store on La Brea Avenue and Third Street broke out into gales of spontaneous laughter when fellow shopper and movie star Will Ferrell made a casual comment about apples. "I haven't had a good apple in a while," Ferrell said in the produce section, causing several nearby shoppers to giggle and nod appreciatively at the overheard remark. "Are Paula Reds any good? I wonder if they're sour like a Granny Smith." Ferrell said that, although he appreciates his fans' support, he really wanted a straight answer about the apples. 
Upcoming Election Deduced From Sports Illustrated Content #~# LINCOLN, NE—Football fan Ben Pellett first became aware of the upcoming presidential election Tuesday, thanks to a tangential reference to it made in the Sept. 28 issue of Sports Illustrated. "One of the columnists said that picking who'll dominate the NFC North would be 'tougher than predicting the winner on Nov. 2,'" Pellett said. "At first I had no idea what that meant, but then I realized it's been a while since we voted for president. I asked my roommate, and sure enough, there's an election this year." Pellett added that he thinks both the Vikings and the Republicans have what it takes to go all the way.
Gay Couple Has Banal Sex #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Jerome Ostrowski and Barry Lipner engaged in the practice of banal sex Monday, sources reported. "After we got home from Don Giovanni's, the restaurant we go to pretty much every Monday night, Barry started giving me one of his predictable mood-setting backrubs," Ostrowski said. "After five minutes of that, he mounted me and put in a hundred or so quick thrusts. All in all, not one of our more memorable encounters." Lipner said that Ostrowski's reciprocal act of fellatio was "serviceable."
Iraq Hostages #~# Extremists in Iraq continue to use hostage-taking to convey their message, leaving much of the world wondering what can be done. What do you think?
Oktoberfest #~# Munich is in the midst of Oktoberfest, Germany's annual celebration of beer and Bavarian culture. What have been the festival's highlights so far?
Pierre Will Be Leading The Vertical-Insertion Team Into The Vakhan Territory #~# Ah, yes, our new senior applied-science director. Come in, sir. Hello and welcome to our little corner of the operation. Tea? Turkish? Mei Ling, some tea for the honorable science director. Susan is well, I trust? Good, good. Of course, sir—right to brass tacks it is. 
Alvin Shunned By Animal Community, Forced To Wear Scarlet 'A' #~# PASADENA, CA—Well-known frontman for Alvin & The Chipmunks, the singing group that included his brothers Simon and Theodore, Alvin Seville is adored by millions for his intricate vocals on such playful songs as "Alvin's Harmonica" and "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)." The chipmunk celebrates his 70th birthday this month, as well as his 46th year bearing the scarlet letter "A"—the mark of shame that reminds members of the animal kingdom that he is an actor who has adopted the ways of humankind. 
Bedding Officials Demand Thread Recount #~# BEDFORD, TX—Alarmed by reports of incorrect thread counts in the nation's blankets and sheets, bedding officials demanded nationwide thread recounts Monday. 
There Are So Many Experiences I Want To Write About Having Had #~# As a writer, I have powers of observation far greater than those of the average person. Nothing gets by me. Sometimes, as I sit typing in my dank, dusty, windowless room, I stop and marvel at the tapestry of life. When I think about all the escapades that could inform my writing, my mind reels! The world is my keyboard's oyster—I just need to get out there and experience all the things that are waiting to be written about. 
Area Man Somehow Even Less Popular Than He Was In High School #~# JEFFERSON, MO—Contrary to what he had been assured about adult life, local resident Mike Glick, 24, reported Monday that he is even less popular than he was in high school. 
'Ravaged' Named Florida's Official State Adjective #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Governor Jeb Bush announced Monday that Florida has adopted the word "ravaged" as its official state adjective. "In the past decade, parts of Florida have been ravaged by hurricanes, political controversy, infestation, poverty, and crime," Bush said in a press conference. "What better way to describe the state than with the word 'ravaged'?" "Ravaged" beat out such popular contenders as "muggy," "graying," and "tourist-clogged."
Documents Reveal Gaps In Bush's Service As President #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Freshly unearthed public documents, ranging from newspapers to cabinet-meeting minutes, seem to indicate large gaps in George W. Bush's service as president, a spokesman for the watchdog group Citizens for an Informed Society announced Monday.
Congressional Candidate Forced To Explain Controversial 1971 'Fuck Everything' Remark #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—U.S. Rep. Vic Snyder (D-AR) was forced to defend himself Monday against Republican opponent Marvin Parks' claim that witnesses heard Snyder say "Fuck everything" in 1971. "At least four people attest that they saw an inebriated 24-year-old Vic Snyder tell a group of fellow medical-school students, 'I'm so sick of dealing… Fuck everything,'" Snyder said. "Everything? Did Snyder mean 'fuck' middle-class families who need tax relief? Did he mean 'fuck' the nation's elderly? Does Snyder say 'fuck' the American flag?" A spokesman for Snyder said the remark made perfect sense when put in the context of finals week.
Crush Lasts Entire Bus Ride #~# CINCINNATI—Administrative assistant and bus rider Perry Stoddard, 25, developed a crush that lasted the duration of the Metro line bus trip from Seven Hills Road to downtown Monday. "Oh my God, she is stunning," Stoddard said, staring at the petite, bookish brunette sitting two seats ahead of him. "And she's reading The Idiot! I wonder if she has a boyfriend. My parents would love her." Saddened by the woman's exit from the bus two stops before his own, Stoddard resolved to get out on Court Street and find someone else.
New Homeowner Suddenly Fascinated By Molding #~# BUCKEYE, AZ—Friends of Michael Ziglar said Monday that, since he purchased his three-bedroom ranch home in April, Ziglar has become endlessly fascinated by molding. "This is a guy who, one year ago, didn't know molding from a ceiling fan," said Colin Pasternak, Ziglar's friend. "Now, suddenly, he's lecturing me on the pros and cons of cavetto versus beak molding. I wish he'd shut up about wall niches and go back to Stargate." Ziglar was unavailable for comment, as he was at a local hardware store pricing decorative wainscotting.
Ducks Only Interested In Man's Bread #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Como Park visitor Daryl Wilson, 31, reported that he was disappointed to discover that the ducks he'd fed for more than 20 minutes Monday were only interested in his bread. "I thought I'd really connected with the duckies," Wilson said. "But as soon as the bread ran out, they went off to another part of the lake. All that time, they were just using me for my crumbs." Wilson said he has not felt so rejected since the "squirrel and peanuts incident" last year. 
Bush Introduces New Timmy Blanchard Left Behind Act #~# WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush announced Monday that he'll encourage Congress to back his new education initiative, the Timmy Blanchard Left Behind Act. "It is my goal to close the achievement gap in our schools with accountability, flexibility, and choice, so that no child is left behind—except for Timmy Blanchard of Akron, OH," Bush said at a White House press conference. "By 2014, I plan to see a significant jump in the math, reading, and science proficiency of 99.9999 percent of America's students. The children, excluding Timmy, are our future." Bush was inspired to leave Blanchard behind after the child threw up all over the merry-go-round last week. 
Matchbox Twenty Finally Finishes Watering Down Long-Awaited New Album #~# LOS ANGELES—Executives at Atlantic Records announced Monday that multi-platinum recording artist Matchbox Twenty, which set sales records in 2000 for its mega-hit release Mad Season, has finally finished watering down tracks on its long-awaited new album Beige. 
Antidepressant Use In Children #~# Last week, the FDA announced that children who take antidepressants face an increased risk of suicide, but some doctors dispute the claim. What do you think?
Organizers Fear Terrorist Attacks On Upcoming Al-Qaeda Convention #~# ASADABAD, AFGHANISTAN—Fears of possible terrorist attacks have led organizers of the Sept. 27-30 al-Qaeda International Convention to take unprecedented security measures, sources reported Monday. 
I Was Almost Back In The Saddle Again #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been getting the shit end of the stick lately. It's not like I had much going on as far as work. Since I busted my leg on the roofing job, I've been getting paid for staying home. It was pretty sweet for a while, watching the checks roll in while I caught up on my tube-watching and video-game-playing. But then I started to go a little stir crazy. I couldn't drive, because I couldn't bend that leg, and it took forever to walk anywhere on crutches. 
Intervention Wrapped Up Before Kickoff #~# ST. LOUIS—Friends of 33-year-old Drew Sorenson characterized a Sunday alcohol-abuse intervention as a success, reporting that they'd maintained a supportive but firm tone throughout the talk, which they were able to wrap up in time to watch the 12 p.m. Rams-Falcons game. 
Well, That's The Last Heart-To-Heart I'm Ever Having With Janet #~# Look, I am as compassionate as any member of the Ladies Lutheran League Auxiliary—including you, Linda, with your selfless devotion to the weekly church bulletin, and you, Edna Jane, bringing baked goods to the shut-ins. But even I have my limits, and I'm telling you this right now: That's the last heart-to-heart I'm having with Janet. 
The Bush Family Biography #~# The Family: The Real Story Of The Bush Dynasty, Kitty Kelley's tell-all biography of the Bush family, hit shelves last week. What did the book reveal?
Money Thrown At Lunch Problem #~# LINCOLN, NE—Frustrated by the logistics of developing a viable mealtime strategy, employees of the Ryodan Consulting Group threw money at the lunch problem Monday, according to branch manager Ryan Leverenz.
Cheney Returns To Camp Crystal Lake #~# CRYSTAL LAKE, NJ—Reports of a shadowy figure in the woods and heavy breathing heard in the night, coupled with a recent series of grisly murders, have generated rumors that U.S. Vice-President Dick Cheney has returned to terrorize the counselors at Camp Crystal Lake, sources reported Friday. 
Kerry Vows To Raise Wife's Taxes #~# BOSTON—Campaigning in his home state, John Kerry vowed Monday to raise taxes on his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry, whose worth is estimated to be in the range of $900 million to $3.2 billion. "My spouse has benefited long enough from tax cuts," Kerry said. "If Congress increased her taxes by 15 percent, this country would have millions of dollars to use to create new jobs and explore alternative energy sources." Kerry added that it's high time that billionaires like the one with whom he shares his life start paying their fair share. 
Letter Of Recommendation Reused For Eighth Intern #~# NEW YORK—Attorney Dina H. Berman of Oliva, Berman & Chase said Tuesday that he has used the same letter of recommendation for eight consecutive interns. "Unless someone is a complete fuck-up, I can pretty much pull up the letter and just change the names and dates," Berman said. "They're all 'enterprising and enthusiastic with a lot of great ideas and an asset to any team' to me." Berman finished the letter with the standard offer to answer any questions about the intern, but did not correct the transposed digits in her phone number.
Petulant 12-Year-Old Refuses To Brown The Ground Chuck #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ—In spite of repeated requests from his mother, 12-year-old John Farina refused to brown the ground chuck Monday. "With the things I do around here, I ask you to do one thing to help me get dinner ready, and even that's too much," Farina's mother Karen yelled at the wall of her son's bedroom, where he had been playing a video game since returning from school. "And I don't care if you don't want taco casserole—it's your sister's turn to pick. You chose sloppy joes yesterday, so deal with it." Family sources report that Farina acceded to his mother's hamburger-related demands as soon as she introduced the alternate threat of washing the lettuce.
Cinemax Director Wins Award For Skinematography #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Marvin Solis, director of the late-night Cinemax offering Uptown Girl, nabbed the coveted Best Skinematography trophy at the 2004 Eroty Awards Monday night. "It's truly an honor to be recognized for this wonderful project," Solis said of the 43-minute erotic thriller, which stars Kira Jackson as a bored high-society housewife seduced into the steamy world of underground sex clubs. "I couldn't have done it without the help of my location scout, my lighting coordinator, and all those 14-year-old Cinemax viewers." Last year, Solis won the Zalman King Lifetime Achievement Award.
Assault-Weapons Ban Expires #~# The 10-year-old federal law banning the sale of 19 types of semiautomatic assault weapons expired Monday. What do you think?
I Wish My Life Was Better vs. Do You Wish Your Life Was Better? #~# I spend a lot of time sitting around, hoping that something will drop out of the sky and make my life better. I talk about it all the time. My friends have heard me say it, my family has heard me say it, and my ex-girlfriends have heard me say it. I really believe I deserve more than what I have, but whenever I think about how hard it is to turn things around, I end up feeling so hopeless. I'm stuck in a rut, but what can I do about it? 
College Sophomore Thinks She Would Make A Good Sex Columnist #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA—Lisbet "Lizzie" Gilchrist, a second-year undergraduate at Penn State University, told reporters that she has the makings of a good sex-advice columnist Monday. 
Trapped Miner Wishes He Could See The Coverage #~# MCINTYRE, PA—Kevin Rybicki, a coal miner trapped 340 feet underground, wished Monday that he had more headlamp batteries, another sandwich, and access to the coverage of his plight—which, he assumes, is captivating the nation.  
Recreational-Abortion Enthusiasts Applaud Repeal Of Partial-Birth Ban #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Hundreds of abortion enthusiasts gathered on the steps of the Supreme Court Monday to voice their support for recent rulings repealing the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003. "We just adore abortions, and now they're more convenient than ever," abortion lover Nayla Forster said. "Some women found it a real pain to squeeze the procedure in before the third trimester." Forster said that she personally tries to get out and have an abortion at least every four months or so.
Female Athletes Making Great Strides In Attractiveness #~# LOS ANGELES—In the wake of the Summer Olympics, during which many American women achieved a level of media attention often reserved for men, sports fans are pleased to report that female athletes are continuing to make great strides in their personal appearances. 
I Feel I Have Earned The Right To Not Have To Call 'Shotgun' #~# Jeff? Did I just hear what I think I did? Is it possible that you just said "shotgun"? That's pretty fucked up, Jeff. Because I think it's pretty obvious that, after all these years, I've earned the right to not to have to say "shotgun" when we get into the car. 
Hurricane Preparedness #~# What are some of the hurricane-season pointers outlined by the National Hurricane Center?
Bush Campaign More Thought Out Than Iraq War #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Military and political strategists agreed Monday that President Bush's re-election campaign has been executed with greater precision than the war in Iraq. "Judging from the initial misrepresentation of intelligence data and the ongoing crisis in Najaf, I assumed the president didn't know his ass from his elbow," said Col. Dale Henderson, a military advisor during the Reagan Administration. "But on the campaign trail, he's proven himself a master of long-term planning and unflinching determination. How else can you explain his strength in the polls given this economy?" Henderson said he regrets having characterized Bush's handling of the war as "incompetent," now that he knows the president's mind was simply otherwise occupied.
Local Child Amuses Café—But For How Long? #~# TIGARD, OR—Although 4-year-old Mia Benson is currently amusing everyone at The Sundial Café, employee Kelli Doon wondered Monday how much longer patrons might be tolerant of her childish antics. "Yes, it was very cute when [Benson] was running around making choo-choo-train sounds," Doon said, wiping the counter with a rag, her eyes trained on Benson. "And everyone laughed when she asked that stranger if she could have his cookie. But really, she's been demanding everyone's attention for, like, 15 minutes. Is it time to step in?" Doon said she plans to move closer to the milk carafes, to better ascertain whether she should intervene. 
Assistant Manager Accused Of Sexual Indiscrimination #~# PLAINS, GA—Female employees at Peachtree Financial filed a joint complaint against assistant manager Dean Marchand Monday for repeated acts of sexual indiscrimination in the workplace. "Dean is willing to sleep with anyone who propositions him," human-resources manager Jan Harris said. "Whether it's Kelly, that pretty blonde from sales, or Marta, that grouchy skank in accounting, Dean doesn't seem to care." Harris added that Marchand is a smart, nice, well-dressed guy who should hold himself to higher standards.
Vacationing Man Misses Own Remote Control #~# NEW YORK—Dale Herring, on vacation from Wichita, KS, admitted Monday that he missed his TV remote control. "At first, I was taken with the hotel's remote, and the sheer number of buttons—not to mention the breathtaking view of the on-screen menu guide," Herring said. "But the truth is, I can't wait to get back to the simplicity and familiarity of my own clicker." Herring added that he'll definitely go see the Empire State Building the next time he visits New York.
Six-Hour Bus Ride Endured For Slots #~# I-95, NJ—Baltimore resident Gary Drake, 53, endured a six-hour bus ride from Baltimore to Atlantic City Tuesday, drawn by the prospect of feeding coins into a slot machine at a dimly lit casino. 
Kobe Bryant Case Dismissed #~# Last week, prosecutors dropped the felony sexual-assault charge against basketball star Kobe Bryant. What do you think?
Budget Airline Perks #~# The American budget-airline business is booming. What perks do some of the low-cost carriers offer?
Absolute Cute #~# I just had a major idea, and I want to write it down and get it out there before I begin to second-guess it. So here goes:  
I'm Getting Pretty Good At Masturbating #~# If you don't mind, I'd like to bring up a sensitive subject. Some people call it jacking off, or jerking off, or a lot of other things, but I just call it masturbating. And while there's always room for improvement, I have to say that I'm pretty good at it. 
Seminal School-Portrait Photographer Dies At 92 #~# PHOENIX—Henry Anszczak, the photographer whose influential work revolutionized modern school portraiture, died Sunday at his family home in Eloy. He was 92. 
Hundreds Of Republicans Injured In Rush To Discredit Kerry #~# WASHINGTON, DC—George Washington Memorial Hospital is struggling to deal with an influx of Republicans with concussions, broken bones, and internal injuries suffered during the recent stampede to discredit Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry, emergency-room personnel reported Monday. 
Terry Gilliam Barbecue Plagued By Production Delays #~# LONDON—A backyard barbecue hosted by director Terry Gilliam was postponed again Sunday due to production delays. "I had a special grill flown in from Fiji, but it took three weeks to figure out how to light it," Gilliam said of the 20-foot, volcano-shaped propane grill he'd deemed integral to the Tiki-themed event. "Then, just when I had the menu hammered out, Johnny [Depp] got sick, and I had to push the date back again. See, the whole thing was for his birthday in June." In spite of the continued delays, party guest Elvis Mitchell predicted that the event will be "visually stunning" and "fun."
Comedian Given Sitcom Out Of Pity #~# BURBANK, CA—Now What?, an ABC sitcom making its debut next week, was created for struggling stand-up comic Warren Morris out of pity, sources at ABC Comedy Development said Monday.
Grocery-Store Worker Can't Bear To Eat Food Anymore #~# FLOURISSANT, MO—Pick'n Save stockboy Joel Melcher said Monday that his overexposure to groceries has destroyed his taste for food. "When I first started working here, I thought, 'This is awesome—I'll be able to bring bags of food home from work every night,'" said Melcher, who receives a 25 percent discount at the store. "But now, being around it all day long, at the end of the day I can't even stand to look at frozen food, baked goods, meat, dairy items, or produce. Makes me sick just thinking about it." Melcher has vowed that, when he gets a new job, he "will never set foot in a grocery store ever again." 
Internet Pop-Up Quiz Insulting #~# THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Internet user Paula Challey was insulted by the simplicity of a quiz that popped up on her computer desktop Monday. "I mean, come on—it offers me a prize if I can identify whether a picture is of Britney Spears, Madonna, or Paris Hilton," Challey said. "I'm a college graduate, for Christ's sake. Give me a real challenge! If these quizzes are this easy, I don't see the point in them." Challey then moved to the more formidable task of using her mouse to shoot an animated duck for the chance to win $100. 
Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker #~# EVANSVILLE, WY—Rod Jensen, a 25-year-old smoker with a two-pack-a-day habit, drew inspiration from 83-year-old Leo Menting Monday. "See, that guy over there's still kicking," Jensen said, after he saw the elderly man smoking a Marlboro at Caroline's Corner Cafe. "I'm always hearing about the health risks of smoking, and how it can kill you, but look at that old dude. He doesn't have one of those holes in his throat. He's not even using a cane." Minutes later, Jensen added onion rings to his order after seeing Menting's wife do the same.
The Scream Poster Stolen From Area Dorm Room #~# ST. PAUL, MN—Concordia University campus police are still investigating Tuesday's theft of a poster of Edvard Munch's The Scream from an area dorm room. "We're doing everything in our power to recover the poster," officer Donald Benson said of the poster, which was stolen while the two residents of 204 Walther Hall were studying in the second-floor common area. "With its iconic contorted human figure beneath a swirling red sky, The Scream is a masterpiece of German expressionism, and the poster was valued at $7.95." The work of art is one of only 86 copies known to exist on the campus.
Cheney Urged Not To Work Blue During Convention #~# WASHINGTON, DC—At the insistence of members of the Republican Party, Vice-President Dick Cheney agreed not to work blue during the Republican National Convention, GOP sources reported Monday. "I sat him down and said, 'Dick, this is going to be on television, and we want to project a good, family-friendly image. You've gotta keep it clean,'" Republican National Committee chairman Ed Gillespie said. "I keep trying to get it through to him that using the 'F' word just shows a lack of imagination." A spokesman for Cheney said the vice-president will tone down his speech, but argued that Cheney is "only saying what everyone's already thinking."
Al-Jazeera Introduces 'Lighter Side Of The News' Segment #~# DOHA, QATAR—With the stated intent of "turning current-events coverage on its head," the popular but oft-criticized Al-Jazeera Arab television news network launched its "Lighter Side Of The News" segment Monday. 
Many Lack Potable Water #~# According to a recent U.N. report, more than one billion people worldwide lack access to clean drinking water. What do you think?
Son, We'd All Like To Lie Around All Day Being 'Clinically Depressed' #~# Justin? Justin, can you hear me through this door? Are you asleep again? Your mom said you got up to use the bathroom a minute ago. She was hoping you were coming down to have dinner with us. No? Hello? Well, son, I know that you have a real problem; at least, that's what the therapist tells us. Anyway, you're not alone. We all get a little low sometimes. Life is certainly no picnic—don't I know it! But usually, after a while, folks snap out of their funks. Not because they want to, but because they come around to the fact that they have no choice. The truth is, son, we'd all like to lie around all day being "clinically depressed," but at some point, we have to swallow hard and face the music. Step up to the ol' plate. 
Small Group Of Dedicated Rich People Change The World #~# NEW YORK—Cynics often say that one man can't make a difference in a huge and complicated world. But this week in New York, a few tremendously rich and powerful men have given those naysayers reason to reconsider their views. At the Republican National Convention, which concludes Thursday, a handful of dedicated men will change the world. 
Pool-Safety Tips #~# Summer is drawing to a close, but there are still a few weeks left to make a splash at your local swimming pool. Here's how to make the experience safe and fun:
Naked Man Only One Comfortable With His Body #~# MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Claims adjuster Geoffrey Danvers is like many other Minneapolis residents. He is gainfully employed, participates in community events, and is an avid reader who particularly enjoys courtroom thrillers. One thing Danvers does not share with his friends and neighbors, however, is discomfort with the sight of his nude body.
Historians Discover Children's Menu On Back Of U.S. Constitution #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Historians and scholars nationwide heralded the discovery of a children's menu on the back of one of the four original charters of the U.S. Constitution, Archivist of the United States John Carlin said Monday.
Upon Reflection, I May Have Exaggerated My Skills In Midwifery #~# Okay, Helen, you're doing great. Just remember to breathe. In… out. In… out. Fantastic. Just listen to the ocean-waves CD and try to relax. I think I can see the baby. Yeah, you're crowning, and it looks—oh, holy Christ! It's covered in blood! It's supposed to be like that? I mean, of course it's supposed to be like that. Of course. I remember that episode of ER. It was just like that.  
Election Day Guide #~# Tuesday is Election Day. Here are some pointers to keep in mind when heading to the polls: 
Assistant Uses Cake To Smuggle Cake-Decorating Set To Martha Stewart #~# ALDERSON, WV—Authorities at Alderson Federal Prison have detained Becki Uecker, Martha Stewart's personal assistant, for smuggling a cake-decorating kit to her boss in an almond three-layer cake with lemon-zest icing. "Ms. Uecker attempted to pass a Dessert Decorator Pro to Ms. Stewart during visiting hours," corrections officer Frank Wickler said. "Although this device may be perfect for making stars, leaves, and rosettes, it's considered contraband at a correctional facility." In addition to the frosting gun, the kit included six nickel-plated tips, two tip couplers, and a storage bag.
Detroit Tourism Board's 'Hidden Detroit' Campaign Results In 24 Deaths #~# DETROIT—The Detroit Tourism Board is scaling back the city-sponsored "Hidden Detroit" program following the deaths of 24 tourists in the past month, city officials announced Monday. "The campaign did draw tourists to historically significant places that usually go unnoticed, like the rough-and-tumble honky-tonks of Ypsilanti and the site of the 1967 riots," tourism board director Lauren Essleman said. "But ultimately, unfolding the free 'Detroit Off The Beaten Path' maps in the middle of the Purple Gang's old turf was not a good idea." Essleman said that, in addition to the 24 tourists, the program resulted in the loss of more than 60 vehicles.
Stock Analysts Confused, Frightened By Boar Market #~# NEW YORK—Stock analysts on Wall Street fled in terror after being spooked by the rare but deadly boar market that reared its head at closing bell Monday. "I have no idea what to expect," stock analyst Christopher Mattson said. "This market is highly unpredictable—tusked and savage and covered with coarse, bristly hair. I didn't know if I should buy, sell, or shoot." Mattson said he hopes stocks will soon perform again like they did two weeks ago, when brokers were soothed by the graceful movements of a swan market.
Meaning Of Dream Obvious To Everyone Else #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Although Jennie Wick, 23, cannot make sense of the dream she had Monday evening, its meaning is clear to everyone else, sources reported. "I'm in this waiting room, and I'm screaming at this man dressed all in white who can't hear me," said Wick, who is dating and financially supporting a University of California medical student. "Then, we're at the vending machine, and every time I buy a candy bar, he grabs it. What's up with that?" Wick also failed to grasp what it meant when the man began to have sex with her best friend.
Flu Vaccine Shortage #~# What are the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommending in response to the current flu vaccine shortage?
Boss' Going-Away Party A Little Too Jubilant #~# AMES, IA—The Oct. 22 office going-away party for Karl Roberts, manager for the past five years at Ames Farm Products Wholesalers, Inc., was "a little too jubilant," the 38-year-old former boss reported Monday. 
Study: 100 Percent Of Americans Lead Secret Lives #~# BERKELEY, CA—A study released Monday by the University of California-Berkeley shows that 100 percent of Americans fail to disclose the full truth about what they think and do in private. 
Republicans Urge Minorities To Get Out And Vote On Nov. 3 #~# MIAMI, FL—With the knowledge that the minority vote will be crucial in the upcoming presidential election, Republican Party officials are urging blacks, Hispanics, and other minorities to make their presence felt at the polls on Wednesday, Nov. 3. 
Converting To The Metric System Starts With The Individual #~# On her deathbed, my mother took my hand. "Theresa," she said. "When I was a girl, I thought I could change the world. But as I grew, I began to believe that the world was an intractable place. I put aside dreams and gave up my hopes. It is only now that I realize it was well within my power to change myself—and therein, by a small degree, the world." 
Man, I Wish That Sniper Would Go Away #~# I know I shouldn't complain: I've got a reasonably priced place with gorgeous hardwood floors, a fireplace, and a nice big backyard. It's just, there are some things about the neighborhood that I can't get used to. I wish we weren't so close to the airport, I wish we were near a supermarket, and I really wish the sniper in front of the house would go away. 
King Of Queens Creator Thinks Everyone's Ripping Him Off #~# LOS ANGELES—Michael Weithorn, co-creator and executive producer of the hit CBS sitcom King Of Queens, said Monday that he is "tired of people stealing [his] idea." "I'm not going to name names, but there sure seem to be a lot of sitcoms featuring pudgy, working-class goofs with unbelievably hot wives and meddlesome in-laws," Weithorn said. "I'm sorry, but that's KOQ territory. These other shows are the work of shameless copycats with no ideas." Creators of According To Jim, Still Standing, Rodney, George Lopez, and Center Of The Universe expressed the same complaint.
Return Of The Draft? #~# As the war in Iraq drags on, some Americans fear reinstatement of the military draft. What do you think?
Everyone On Campus Afraid Of That One Bar #~# SPOKANE, WA—Members of the Washington State University-Spokane student body announced Monday that everyone is afraid to visit K-Dee's Tap, that one bar without any windows next to the hardware store on Fordam Avenue. "[K-Dee's] is some kind of biker drug bar or something," sophomore Peter Mendis said. "The drinks are super cheap and they stay open like an hour after bar time, but don't go in there. My friend J.J.'s roommate's brother almost got stabbed there." K-Dee's leather-jacketed bartender, a 67-year-old with a leg brace, said he had no recollection of the near-stabbing, but did caution that, in general, the regular patrons do not welcome "college boys."
Hopes, Dreams Crushed By Panel Of D-List Celebrities #~# LOS ANGELES—Waitress and aspiring singer Olivia Martin, 21, had her hopes of stardom dashed by a panel of washed-up celebrities Monday. "All I've wanted to do my whole life is bring people joy with my singing, but Martika said I should stick to serving pancakes," said Martin, whose performing also received poor reviews from former MTV VJ Alan Hunter and Saved By The Bell's Mario Lopez. "This was my big break, but I blew it." Martika, who sang the 1988 hit "Toy Soldiers," said Martin lacked stage presence and didn't have "that special something it takes to be a star."
Tibetan Teen Getting Into Western Philosophy #~# LHASA, TIBET—Deng Hsu, 14, said Monday that he is "totally getting into Western philosophy." "I've been reading a lot of Kant, Descartes, and Hegel, and it's blowing my mind," Hsu said. "It's so exotic and exciting, not like all that Buddhist 'being is desire and desire is suffering' shit my parents have been cramming down my throat all my life. Most of the kids in my school have never even heard of Hume's views on objectivity or Locke's tabula rasa." Hsu said he hopes to one day make an exodus to north London to visit the birthplace of John Stuart Mill.
Millions Of American Lips Called To Service In Fight Against Poverty #~# NEW YORK—In response to the record number of American poor, Secretary of the Treasury John Snow called millions of American lips to service Monday. "Poverty is a menace to society," Snow said. "As the ranks of the nation's poor grow and more social programs are scaled back, it is crucial that all able Americans talk about how something must be done." Snow then entreated all able-voiced men and women between the ages of 18 and 24 to volunteer to periodically mention that the current poverty rate of 12.5 percent is too high.
Nader Polling At 8 Percent Among Past Supporters #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A CNN/Gallup poll released Monday shows that 8 percent of those who voted for presidential candidate Ralph Nader in the 2000 election will vote for him again in 2004. "Americans feel it's time for an end to corporate-controlled government, or at least 1/12th of those who voted for me in 2000 do," Nader said, addressing a handful of supporters scattered throughout a lecture hall at Georgetown University. "Don't be satisfied with politics as usual. That is my message to those who voted for me four years ago. Get back with the team." Nader said that 230,000 votes, while nowhere near enough to win, might be sufficient to muck up another election.
A Day Off? Sheeit #~# 'Sup, G's. Check it out: Debbilyn Sundquist, tha Midstate human-resources secretary, e-mailed me. 
Battleground States #~# A handful of battleground states will be key in deciding the 2004 presidential election. What are some of the states most concerned about?
Bill O'Reilly Sex Scandal #~# Last week, a Fox News Channel producer sued Bill O'Reilly for sexual harassment, alleging that the cable host pressured her into phone sex. What do you think?
CEO Doesn't Have Heart To Kill Plastics Division #~# HOUSTON—Walking through one of his company's four manufacturing plants Monday, Sunford Industries CEO Preston Johnson said he can't bring himself to eliminate the plastics division. 
Kerry: Stem-Cell Research May Hold Cure To Ailing Campaign #~# ROCHESTER, MN—In a major policy address at the Mayo Clinic Tuesday, Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry drew a sharp distinction between himself and President Bush by championing unfettered scientific exploration of embryonic stem cells, which experts say could hold the cure to Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, and Kerry's ailing campaign. 
U.S. Finishes A 'Strong Second' In Iraq War #~# BAGHDAD—After 19 months of struggle in Iraq, U.S. military officials conceded a loss to Iraqi insurgents Monday, but said America can be proud of finishing "a very strong second."
We Should Get That Guy Who Does A Half-Assed Job To Fix Our Roof #~# Honey, take a look at the ceiling. Notice how you can see the nails through the paint? That's water damage. The roof must be leaking. No, the upstairs bathroom is over the kitchen. It's definitely the roof. We need to take care of this before the drywall rots or the lights short out. Hey, you know the guy who built Sheila and Barry's old deck? You remember, the one that collapsed at their Fourth of July cookout? We should get him to fix our roof. 
Recently Married Man Ready To Start Dating Again #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—Nearly 14 months after he said "I do" to his new wife Karen, attorney Robert Diehl, 36, told reporters that he finally feels ready to return to the dating world.
The Pope's Beatifications #~# Pope John Paul II beatified five people last week, among them a German mystic whose violent visions of Christ's suffering inspired Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. Who is the Pope planning to beatify next?
George Foreman Grill Retires To Promote Own Grill #~# HOUSTON—The George Foreman Grill announced Monday that it will retire in order to promote its own patented line of fat-reducing grills. "The George Foreman Grill has enjoyed a long and rewarding career as a kitchen appliance, but now it wants to get out of the rat race," the grill's publicist, Nate Harbert, said Monday. "From now on, the grill will be doing what it loves most: helping people live healthier lives via its infomercial for the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine's Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine." Harbert said the George Foreman Grill will also spend more time doing charity work.
Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot #~# WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—More than 200 members of the International Brotherhood of Boilermakers picketed outside Ross-Ade Stadium Monday, protesting what they characterized as Purdue University's insensitive use of a boilermaker as a mascot. "We have worked too hard forging America's boilers to endure one-dimensional stereotypes like Purdue Pete," union president Newton B. Jones said. "Pete may be muscular and sensibly wearing a hardhat, but the hammer he brandishes serves as an ugly reminder of isolated instances of violence in the boilermakers' otherwise proud history." A similar controversy erupted in 2003, when a University of North Carolina football game was interrupted by 35 protesters afflicted with congenitally tarred heels.
Pringles Level At Six Inches And Falling #~# CINCINNATI—Snack experts warned Monday at 9:15 p.m. that the Pringles level within the Cody household had dipped to a dangerously low six inches and showed no signs of leveling off. "If the depletion of the Pizzalicious Pringles sitting on the couch does not slow, the supply may dip to a fraction of an inch before the end of Everybody Loves Raymond," said Carla Cody, who had been monitoring the potato-crisp reserve since 7 p.m. "It is crucial that we explore such alternative snack sources as Goldfish crackers." Cody then moved the can to the kitchen as a stop-gap measure.
U.N. To Look For Genocide In Darfur #~# Last week, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan set up a commission to determine whether genocide has taken place in the Darfur region of Sudan. What do you think?
World Bank Forecloses On World Farm #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Following years of threats, the World Bank foreclosed on the World Farm, a 64,000-square-mile plot of arable land in Dodoma, Tanzania that provides wheat, cattle, and goats to much of the Eastern Hemisphere. "This farm has been in my family since Zanzibar was a British protectorate," World Farmer Mwana "Clem" Mazooka said Monday, angrily waving a pitchfork. "I'll be damned if I let some world-city creditors get their grubby hands on it." In spite of Mazooka's protests, World Bank representatives said the World Farm Auction will take place on Oct. 24.
Apartment-Hunting Tips #~# Hunting for an apartment is hard work, but here are some pointers to help you find your perfect living space: 
You Want To See Some Goddamn Optimism? #~# Thank you! 
Latino Community Empowered By Coke Commercial #~# LOS ANGELES—A Coca-Cola commercial celebrating Latin American culture made its debut on several major networks last week, empowering and uplifting Latinos nationwide, sources reported Monday.
Long-Lost Jules Verne Short Story 'The Camera-Phone' Found #~# AMIENS, FRANCE—Literary scholars announced Monday that they have unearthed a 33-page handwritten manuscript of "The Camera-Phone," a short story believed to have been written in 1874 by French novelist Jules Verne, the man often considered to be the originator of modern science fiction.
Dog Experiences Best Day Of His Life For 400th Consecutive Day #~# SANTEE, CA—Family dog Loki experienced the best day of his life for the 400th straight day Monday, the black Labrador retriever reported. "I got to go outside! I got to sniff the bush!" Loki said, wagging excitedly. "I saw a squirrel and I barked at it and it ran up the tree! Then I came back inside, and the smoky-smelling tall man let me have a little piece of bacon and then I drank from the toilet!" Loki will experience the best day of his life once again tomorrow, when he digs a hole, chews on a slipper, and almost catches his tail.
It's Hard When A Close Relative Of Somebody You Pretend To Like Dies #~# When I saw Laura rush out of the office with her coat over her arm one day last month, I assumed she was on her way to an impromptu showing. But then our branch manager Tom gathered us in the conference room and told us that Laura had just received a phone call from her father. Her younger sister Edie, the blonde woman from the hiking photo on her screensaver, had been in a car crash. Just like everyone here at the Farthing Lane branch of Steamboat Realty, I was shocked to the core. It's hard when a close relative of somebody you pretend to like dies so suddenly. 
Cheney Vows To Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected #~# GREENSBORO, NC—In an announcement that has alarmed voters across the nation, Vice President Dick Cheney said Monday that he will personally attack the U.S. if Sen. John Kerry wins the next election.
Fat Roommate Travels All The Way To Tennessee Just To Fuck Some Girl #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Overweight 26-year-old Michael Paulson bid a temporary farewell to the apartment he shares with three friends Monday, in order to make a 900-mile bus trip to Memphis, TN "just to fuck some girl," his roommates reported.
Green Bay Taxi Driver Has Seen Whole Heck Of A Lot #~# GREEN BAY, WI—David Horsted, 45, announced Monday that he's seen a whole heck of a lot during his 20 years driving a taxi. "Aw, geez, the people I've met and the places I've seen—the stories would make your head spin," Horsted said. "I've been from Lambeau Field to the Barhausen Waterfowl Preserve and every place in between. One time, one of the Packers even threw up in my cab, but I don't think I should say who." With a little prodding, Horsted said the person's first name rhymes with "baloney" and last name with "sandwich."
Ad Exec Doesn't Care What Proverb Actually Means #~# CHICAGO—Leo Burnett Agency creative executive Patrick Bergman authorized the use of a common proverb in a Subway ad campaign in spite of the fact that the phrase's true meaning undermines the intent of the ad, the 41-year-old reported Monday. "The ad slogan 'Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch?' was perfect for Subway's free-sandwich giveaway," Bergman said. "Who cares if, technically, the customer had to buy 12 sandwiches to get one free? People know the phrase, and they respond to it." Bergman last misused a proverb two weeks ago, when he put "haste makes waste" in an ad encouraging people to hurry to a 12-hour Macy's white sale.
91-Year-Old Woman An Expert At Outliving #~# TEMPE, AZ—Lillian Reselman celebrated her 91st birthday Monday by continuing to do what she's been doing for more than nine decades: outliving those closest to her. "This amazing lady has outlived not only two sisters, a brother, and a husband, but scores of friends—and even her only son, who died in the Vietnam War," Oak Hill nursing-home employee Tanya Stoles said. "Lily is a real survivor." Stoles credited Reselman's incredible longevity to her "great endurance."
Many Animals Harmed In Catering Of Film #~# LOS ANGELES—More than 50 animal-rights activists picketed outside the gates of 20th Century Fox studios Monday to protest the fact that hundreds of animals were harmed by craft services on the set of Mel Gibson's Night Of The Desert Rose. "Nearly 400 chickens, 14 steer, and thousands of shrimp were viciously killed in the making of this movie," protester and PETA member Jacqueline Zimmer said. "And these weren't dignified deaths. Some of these animals were deboned and had their skin ripped off before being fileted, sautéed, and placed atop a bed of so-so rice." Cinemeals, Inc. issued a statement that read in part, "Although we regret the need to kill animals, sometimes sacrifices must be made in the service of voraciousness."
Study: Good Porn Still Hard To Find #~# BOSTON—According to a report released by the Institute for Advanced Media Studies, good porn remains hard to find. "Though it's true that there is 350 percent more pornographic material on the market than there was five years ago, quality porn is as difficult to find as ever," Dr. Jeffrey Conchlin said. "Sometimes, you can find a DVD with hot chicks who seem to be enjoying themselves, but usually, they've got big fake tits, the sex is either boring or way too gross, and the setting is totally depressing. This trend is discouraging." Dr. Conchlin added that porn filmmakers are at least a decade away from seamlessly combining good storytelling with hot DP.
Debate Rules #~# As President Bush and U.S. Sen. John Kerry square of in the debates, they are following a set of detailed guidelines. What are some of the rules?
Secret Searches Ruled Illegal #~# Last week, a federal judge deemed a Patriot Act provision that allowed the FBI to secretly obtain Internet and telephone records unconstitutional. What do you think?
Irrelevant Pop Stars Unite Against Bush #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to motivate Americans to go to the polls on Nov. 2, a coalition of irrelevant pop stars is winding up a 36-city tour that will culminate in a concert on Oct. 11 in Washington, D.C. 
Any Way You Slice It, Joey Is A Hit! #~# Item! You never know what you'll get from a spin-off. For every Frasier, there are 10 Kramers. That said: How ya doin', Joey? Pretty good, from the look of the episodes I've seen. Drea DeMattingsly is a great comic actor—something you might not have predicted, given her role on The Sopranoes. The kid who plays her son is a natural, and Matt TheBlanc? He's going to be one of your "best Friends." The laughs are there, the hugs are there, and we get to see a more serious side of Joey. I predict a 10-year run for this show, and I'll be tuned in every Thursday to watch.  
Older Brother Accused Of Cushion-Fort Prisoner Abuse #~# PARK CITY, UT—Following a probe into activities that allegedly occurred inside a couch-cushion fort located in the basement of the Nelson home, Keith, 11, has been accused of mistreatment, abuse of power, and sitting on his 8-year-old brother Mark's head for up to two minutes at a time. 
American Robot's Job Outsourced To Overseas Robot #~# CANTON, OH—QT2D-7, an 11-year-old electric assembly-operations robot, was laid off Monday when the Lawn-Boy plant that has employed him relocated its manufacturing headquarters to New Delhi, India.
Happy One-Week Anniversary, Sweetheart! #~# Hi, Alex, sweetheart! It's me, Chel! I hope you don't think writing this column is too much, but I just really, really wanted to wish you a happy one-week anniversary! 
Personal Relationship With God Also Public Relationship With God #~# MOBILE, AL—Hugh Thompson's personal relationship with God entered the public sphere once again Monday, when the 48-year-old born-again Christian shared word of his devotion with shoppers at Dorman's Supermarket.
FDA Okays Every Drug Pending Approval, Takes Rest Of Year Off #~# ROCKVILLE, MD—Commissioner Lester M. Crawford of the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that the FDA has cleared all 314 drugs pending approval—from Avoxildon to Zofax KB—and plans to take the remainder of the year off. "Hmm, 'Monozyklin… a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor… may cause irregular heart murmur'… That sounds reasonable," Crawford said, reading the drugs' intended uses from a checklist. "I'm sure Merck wouldn't have bothered making this if it didn't actually work. Approved!" Crawford said he'll use the rest of November to research his month-long Christmas travel plans.
Rick Steves Cleaned Out By Gypsies #~# LISBON—Rick Steves, host of the PBS series Rick Steves' Europe, was robbed by gypsies while wandering the labyrinthine streets of the Alfama Monday. "These quaint but rickety sailors' quarters no longer house salty men of the sea, but they do play host to a colorful array of vagabonds," Steves said, clapping along to a band of dancing Roma children while his watch was being stolen from his backpack by their mother. "Peak time for seeing these lively characters is before sunset, as darkness attracts a less savory element to the area." Bonus footage of Steves getting mugged by a street punk in Berlin will be available on the Season 3 DVD anthology.
7-Year-Old Puts On Uno Face #~# QUINTER, KS—Sophia Reed, 7, dominated Monday's Family Game Night, thanks in part to her inscrutable Uno face, family members reported. "She'd just sit as quiet as a church mouse, then hit me with a 'draw four wild card,'" said Leo Reed, Sophia's grandfather and Uno opponent. "Didn't matter whether I played blue, red, yellow, or green, that girl would not so much as twitch an eye after calling 'Uno'—until she laid down that last card. Then she giggled like crazy, the little monkey." Family members said Reed is also renowned for her super-steady Hungry Hungry Hippos trigger finger.
Alternative Theater Waits Three Hours For Stragglers #~# AUSTIN, TX—Maurice Juarez has held up an evening performance of Ashcans And Ticker Tape: A Treatise for three hours, hoping to get more late-arriving patrons, the owner and manager of the Austin ArtSpace theater reported. "People who enjoy alternative theater are all about opening their minds, so they don't pay attention to restrictive things like curtain times," said Juarez, who is also the play's author, director, producer, and choreographer. "I put up 200 flyers, so I fully expect this show to sell out." As of press time, 14 of the theater's 22 seats remained empty.
Cabinet Shake-Up #~# Many members of Bush's cabinet recently resigned, with more expected to follow. Who's in, who's out, and why?
The Kmart-Sears Merger #~# Last week, Kmart bought Sears in a surprise $11 billion deal, creating the nation's third-largest retailer. What do you think?
Local Newswoman's Hairstyle Reported On By Co-Anchor #~# BALTIMORE—WMAR's TV2 News At 6 anchor Kent Niering reported on co-anchor Connie Everhart's recently altered hairstyle Monday night. "Well, it looks like Connie has a new 'do!" Niering said of Everhart's formerly shoulder-length hair, which she'd cut into a bob and dyed red over the weekend. "I think I speak for everyone here at WMAR when I say it looks fabulous!" Everhart smiled and thanked Niering for the compliment before throwing to a consumer-advocacy piece.
White House Thanksgiving Turkey Detained Without Counsel #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Cousin Wattle, the official National Thanksgiving Turkey who was to have been pardoned by President Bush in an annual White House ceremony that dates back to the Truman administration, is currently being held without formal charges or access to legal counsel, White House press secretary Scott McClellan confirmed Tuesday. 
Kids Grow The Fuck Up So Fast These Days #~# Man, I tell you, I don't know where the fucking time goes. Seems like just yesterday Janie was bawling a blue streak and shitting herself in the car. Now, she's looking forward to high school, and her snot-nosed younger brother just turned 10. Instead of whining about wanting a pony, they're begging for cell phones, clothes, video games—you name it. Jesus Christ. Kids grow the fuck up so fast these days. 
Swift Boat Veterans Still Hounding Kerry #~# BOSTON—Swift Boat Veterans For Truth, a group that gained national prominence in the months before the 2004 election, announced Monday that it will continue its campaign "to set the record straight about John Kerry." 
We Must Protect Our Daredevil Jobs From Cheap Foreign Labor #~# To the casual circus attendee, the daredevil's job probably looks like it's all fun and games. But believe me, it's not nearly as easy as it seems. We daredevils put our lives on the line every day providing entertainment for the nation. Sure, we get to spend our days going over Niagara Falls in barrels and zooming around on motorcycles inside metal globes, but when the day is done, we're just like anyone else. We have families to raise, bills to pay, and looming fears that our jobs will be taken away by immigrants. 
Check Clears In Spite Of Overwhelming Odds #~# RINGLING, MT—A wild adventure pitting man against the forces of time ended happily, when, in spite of overwhelming odds, a personal check written by Greg Lippman, 33, cleared Monday. 
Wild, Unattached Twenties Spent At Work #~# SEATTLE—The unattached, freewheeling, consequence-free years following Frank Anderton's graduation from college are being spent in "one of the coolest offices in all of Seattle," the 24-year-old reported Tuesday.
Guy From Pringles Ad Convicted Of Murder On Law & Order #~# RIO RANCHO, NM—Lionel Carver, who appears in a Pringles commercial currently airing on major networks, was convicted of first-degree murder on NBC's Law & Order, area TV viewer Cami Taylor reported Monday. "When [Carver] was led into the courtroom, I knew I'd seen him before," Taylor said of Carver, who played Hank Greene, a domestic abuser charged with beating his wife to death with a tire iron. "Then it hit me—he's the dad in that ad where the kids keep asking him trivia questions printed on the chips." Taylor said she was happy Carver was convicted, but added that "knowing our TV justice system, he'll probably be back on the streets in a Verizon commercial in a matter of weeks."
Ghost Can't Make A Simple Cup Of Coffee Without Everyone Freaking Out #~# BOUTTE, LA—Former police chief Robert J. Kensworth, whose specter still roams the top floor of the old Third Precinct station, said Monday that he is unable to make a cup of coffee without everyone freaking out. "Can't a man make himself a cup of joe without some cleaning lady screaming her head off or some bandy-kneed recruit falling all over himself?" asked Kensworth, who was knifed to death by a convict in the third-floor hallway six years ago. "So there's a cup and saucer floating in midair… What do they want? I'm supposed to drink out of my hands?" According to Tom Carlton, who has worked at the Third Precinct for 17 years, "old hardnosed Kensworth" loved his coffee.
FDA Recommends The Blue Marlin #~# ROCKVILLE, MD—The Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that it recommends the blue marlin for its combination of flavor, texture, and price. "Have you tried the blue marlin?" FDA commissioner Lester M. Crawford asked, referring to the broiled ocean fish served on a bed of sautéed corn, tomato, and lima beans. "It's absolutely delicious. Really, you must try it, along with a glass of Chardonnay or a light beer." The FDA said the crab cakes are excellent, as well.
Son Conned Out Of Allowance For Seventh Consecutive Week #~# MISSOULA, MT—For the seventh week in a row, Bill Trusky cheated his son Shane out of the boy's $3 allowance, the 8-year-old's father said Monday. "Sorry, Shane, I said it was double or nothing if you could sneeze with your eyes open," Trusky said. "But I'll tell you what: If you can mow the lawn—front and back—in 20 minutes, I'll pay you triple." Household sources report that Shane might have completed the task had Trusky not hurled a croquet ball in the mower's path 10 feet before his son finished.
Actual Governing To Resume #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Following 16 months of non-stop campaigning, members of the executive and legislative branches of the U.S. government returned to the task of governing the country Monday. "The electioneering is over, so it's time to get back to work," said U.S. Sen. Kit Bond (R-MO), who won a third term Nov. 2, beating Democrat Nancy Farmer. "I got the time, so I may as well use it writing and enacting some laws, I guess." Bond said he hopes to get a lot accomplished before summer, when he'll need to begin campaigning again.
The Effects Of Global Warming #~# Scientists say global warming in on the rise. What adverse effects do they predict will occur within the next decade?
Back In The Driver's Seat #~# Hola, amigos. Who's your daddy? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but there's been no end of troubles in Anchower Town.  
Arafat's Death #~# The death of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat could represent a turning point in the Mideast peace process. What do you think?
Local Life-Insurance Salesman A Catalog Of Horrific Sudden-Death Scenarios #~# PLEASANT HILL, TN—Bob Carson, a State Farm life-insurance salesman for the past 27 years, is a walking encyclopedia of sudden-death scenarios, local sources reported Monday. 
What Happens At Yucca Mountain Stays At Yucca Mountain #~# The name "Yucca Mountain" is synonymous with danger and excitement. It's so much more than some single-industry desert town with a lot of unusual buildings—the entire place surges with activity and pulses with the thrill of the forbidden. The eerie luminescent glow lights the Nevada sky all through the night. Everyone has heard stories, but no one who hasn't visited can truly understand Yucca Mountain. Why's that? Well, my friend, I'd like to tell you, but folks who work here have a little saying: What happens at the Yucca Mountain Federal Nuclear Waste Disposal and Encasement Facility stays at the Yucca Mountain Federal Nuclear Waste Disposal and Encasement Facility. 
Republicans Call For Privatization Of Next Election #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the "extreme inefficiency" of this month's U.S. presidential election, key Republicans called for future elections to be conducted by the private sector.  
Teen Handed Awesome Responsibility Of Closing Subway Alone #~# BARTLESVILLE, OK—Subway sources report that employee Jeremy Prusher, 17, appeared proud and a little nervous after accepting the momentous duty of closing the franchise location by himself Monday night.
Oprah Celebrates 20,000th Pound Lost #~# CHICAGO—Talk-show superstar Oprah Winfrey celebrated losing her 20,000th pound in a star-packed gala at the Sutton Place Hotel in Chicago's Gold Coast Monday night. 
Political Blogger Mass Suicide To Be Discovered In Several Weeks #~# BOSTON—By examining web-traffic data for left-leaning DailyKos.com, researchers have predicted that the mass suicide of 14 political bloggers will likely be discovered sometime in mid-December. "After months of doing nothing but sit alone in our rooms at our computers, trying to get our message to the people, we lost the election anyway," read the still-unread suicide pact posted Nov. 3. "We'd rather be dead than live in a country as fucked up as this one." The bodies will most likely be found by property managers, long-estranged parents, or neighbors returning copies of Joe Trippi's The Revolution Will Not Be Televised.
Procrastinating Catholic 20 Rosaries Behind #~# BOSTON—Following three trips to the confessional in recent months, Paul McMullen has a backlog of 20 recitations of the rosary, the 32-year-old Catholic reported Monday. "Father O'Riordan gave me three rosaries last time, five the time before, and I still had 12 left over from last month," McMullan said. "I tried doing the 'Hail Marys' and the 'Our Fathers' on my way to work, but I kept losing my place during the Sorrowful Mysteries." McMullan said he plans to stop going to confession for a few months so he can catch up.
Amount Of Halloween Candy Collected Down 15 Percent #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to data released Monday by the Federal Confectionery Reserve, the amount of candy collected by U.S. children this Halloween dropped 15 percent from 2003. "As the treating indicator plainly shows, our Snickers, Dum Dums, and Bit-O-Honey numbers were far below projections," FCR chairman Bert Worak said. "As we head into the next quarter, we should brace ourselves for a sharp reduction in levels of childhood wonder." Bennett also cautioned against counting on Santa Claus to boost candy acquisitions during the coming months.
Prehistoric Discoveries #~# This year, paleontologists made a number of important discoveries about prehistoric times, including the existence of a 40-inch-tall species of human, as well as that of an early, feathered relative of the Tyrannosurus Rex. What are some other recent discoveries?
The Republican Majority #~# Last week, Bush became the first Republican president to be re-elected with House and Senate majorities since 1924. What do you think?
U.S. To Send 30,000 Mall Security Guards To Iraq #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Pressed for additional troops to police the Iraqi general elections scheduled for January, the Pentagon announced Monday that it will dispatch 30,000 U.S. shopping-mall security guards to the troubled Sunni Triangle region. 
Nation's Poor Win Election For Nation's Rich #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The economically disadvantaged segment of the U.S. population provided the decisive factor in another presidential election last Tuesday, handing control of the government to the rich and powerful once again. 
Debbie, By The Time You Read This, I'll Either Be Dead Or Vice President Of Marketing #~# Dearest Debbie, when you opened this letter, my fate was already sealed. I do not take pleasure in alarming you, but I love you too much to mince words. By the time you read this, I will either be dead or vice president of marketing for the Poland Spring corporation. 
Self-Help Book Believes It Can Be A Bestseller Someday #~# NEW YORK—In spite of the odds it faces in the ultra-competitive self-improvement segment of the publishing market, the forthcoming self-help book The Life-Changing Power Of Perspective firmly believes that it can be a bestseller, the 179-page non-fiction paperback said Tuesday.
Liberals Return To Sodomy, Welfare Fraud #~# BERKELEY, CA—No longer occupied by the 2004 election, liberals across the country have returned to the activities they enjoy most: anal sex and cheating the welfare system. "I've been so busy canvassing for the Democratic Party, I haven't had a single moment for suckling at the government's teat or no-holds-barred ass ramming," said Jason Carvelli, an unemployed pro-hemp activist. "Now, my friends and I can finally get back to warming our hands over burning American flags and turning kids gay." Carvelli added that his "number-one priority" is undermining the efforts of freedom-loving patriots everywhere.
Housemates Reject Third-Roommate Debt-Relief Plan #~# LAWRENCE, KS—Chad Doogan, 20, a resident of the economically ravaged back bedroom at 1409 Oakwood Drive, received a huge setback Monday, when a humanitarian proposal calling for the forgiveness of his outstanding debts was vetoed by his two roommates.
Bush Promises To Unite Nation For Real This Time #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A week after winning a narrow victory over Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry, President Bush promised to "unite the divided nation, but for real this time." "Just as I pledged in 2000, I promise to bring the two halves of this nation together—only this time I'm really gonna do it," Bush said Tuesday. "I'll work hard to put an end to partisan politics. Seriously, though. This term, I will." Bush then requested the support of all Americans for his agenda of cutting taxes and extending America's presence in Iraq.
I Must Take Issue With The Wikipedia Entry For 'Weird Al' Yankovic #~# To whomever or whatever is currently in charge of the free encyclopedia and online community portal at Wikipedia.org, I demand that you remove the mask of anonymity and account for the gross oversights to be found on your site. I must take issue with your entry for "Weird Al" Yankovic—for in allowing it to remain active, you are perpetrating a great injustice.
Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls #~# PAMPLONA, SPAIN—Following a series of brutal attacks, Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Zapatero pledged Monday that he "will not rest until Spain is free of rampaging bulls." 
Workout Routine Broken Down For Coworker #~# SAN JOSE, CA—Heritage Ink Supply sales representative Eric Vanderbilt broke his workout routine down in the company breakroom Monday, for the benefit of coworker Jennifer Kim. 
National Museum Of The Middle Class Opens In Schaumburg, IL #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—The Museum of the Middle Class, featuring historical and anthropological exhibits addressing the socioeconomic category that once existed between the upper and lower classes, opened to the public Monday. 
I Don't Like The Person You Become When You're On The Jumbotron #~# Okay, Dave, we need to talk. I didn't say anything on the way back from the stadium, because I was collecting my thoughts. But now, I think it's time we clear the air. Look, you know I've always loved and supported you. I believe you are, at heart, sweet, romantic, intelligent, capable, and wise. But something happens when the eyes of an entire stadium are on you, and it makes me wonder whether I even know you. Dave, I don't like the person you become when you're on the Jumbotron. 
Loft Apartments Converted To Mayonnaise Factory #~# SEATTLE—A building housing 10 adjoining lofts near Pike Place was purchased to be converted from airy studio apartments into a mayonnaise factory, Best Foods, Inc. CEO Peter Slater reported Monday. "I took one look at those great wood-plank floors and two-story ceilings, and I knew that all it would take was a little elbow grease to turn the building into an awesome industrial workspace," Slater said. "There's this one sunlit spot over by the windows that'll be perfect for a two-ton industrial mixer. All we have to do is get rid of the leather couch." Current residents were told to vacate the building by Dec. 1, but were offered first crack at the 80 $9-an-hour jobs about to be created, pending their acceptance into the building's workers' union. 
Recurring Zhang Ziyi Fantasy Always Involves Getting Kicked In The Face #~# EL CAJON, CA—Bradley Vogt, 24, said Monday that, although he often fantasizes about Beijing-born Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon star Zhang Ziyi, his dreams always abruptly end with her kicking him in the face. "I'll be thinking about Zhang and how sexy she looked in that red robe in Hero," Vogt said. "But just when I imagine her taking off her robe, she delivers a devastating series of flying kicks to my throat. Weird." Vogt said that, if the actress would star in a non-violent role, it might solve his problem, but added that he isn't "completely sure [he wants] her to."
Millions Of Work Hours Lost To Voting #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao announced Wednesday that voter turnout for the 2004 election resulted in an "abysmal" 32 percent drop in productivity and millions of vital work hours lost Tuesday. "Because so many American workers arrived late or left early on voting day, the nation's output was severely reduced," Chao said. "We cannot afford this sort of massive drop in productivity." Chao has charged her staff with the task of investigating our current method of electing a president.
Nader Supporters Blame Electoral Defeat On Bush, Kerry #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Supporters of presidential candidate Ralph Nader blamed his defeat Tuesday on George W. Bush and John Kerry, claiming that the two candidates "ate up" his share of the electoral votes. "This election was stolen out from under Mr. Nader by Bush and Kerry, who diverted his votes to the right and the left," Nader campaign manager Theresa Amato said. "It's an outrage. If Nader were the only candidate, he would be president right now." In his concession speech, Nader characterized Bush and Kerry as spoilers.
Walking On Empty #~# Diabetes is no laughing matter, kids. (I'm not accusing you of laughing at diabetes—I'm just saying.) Diabetes affects millions of Americans, and while it can be controlled, there is no cure. I'm thankful to have the less severe form, Type 2, but I could still lose a leg. I'm in no imminent danger of that, but I could, eventually, lose a leg. Or some fingers. 
Red Sox Break Curse #~# Last week, the Boston Red Sox defeated the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series, breaking a "curse" that has persisted since 1918. What do you think?
U.S. Inspires World With Attempt At Democratic Election #~# NEW YORK—Observers from around the world report that they were inspired and moved by America's most recent attempt to hold a public election in accordance with the standards of a democratic republic. 
Election Opinion Polls #~# Telephone polls were conducted with increasing frequency in the days leading up to the election. What were some of the question?
Shy Friend Experimenting With Personality #~# DUBUQUE, IA—Bashful Clark College sophomore Mandy Schumacher, 20, has spent the last month unsuccessfully trying to forge a personality from scratch, friends of Schumacher said Monday. "She's been introverted for so long that she just doesn't have a clue how to present herself to the world," Schumacher's roommate Krista Vezmer said. "One day she's, like, expounding on the modern ramifications of the Civil War, and the next, she's dancing on tables at Noonan's during Happy Hour."  Vezmer added that she thinks Schumacher should stick with mousy.
New 'Steak & Onion' Potato Chips Taste Disturbingly Like Steak And Onions #~# MONTPELIER, VT—A bag of Murley's Steak & Onion Potato Chips deeply disturbed Montpelier-area snacker Vince Houghton Monday, delivering an artificially created flavor so similar to actual steak and onions as to be unsettling. "I figured, you know, it would have a beefy sort of taste, maybe from bullion powder or something," Houghton told reporters after taking his first-ever bite of the meat-flavored chips. "But it tasted exactly like barbecued top round smothered in chopped Vidalia onions." Added Houghton, who continued to eat the chips despite their unsettlingly realistic taste: "What kind of chemicals are in these things to make them taste so steaky, anyway? There are no beef products whatsoever in the list of ingredients."
Two Dead In 'Kind Of Brutal' Slaying #~# NEW ORLEANS—A convenience-store clerk and customer were shot to death Monday in an armed robbery described by witnesses as "kind of brutal." "I don't know, you see lots worse stuff in the movies," said Ed Rozema, who was waiting in line to buy cigarettes at the time of the sort-of-chilling double homicide. "I mean, yes, it was unpleasant, but it wasn't the most gruesome murder in the world." Police at the scene agreed, saying they have seen far more horrific crimes. "The gunshots were clean and to the chest, so it's not like there was blood and brains all over the floor," said Sgt. Bill Culver of New Orleans' 33rd Precinct. "A murderer is going to have to work a lot harder to shock us."
Man Always Insists You Toss Him Keys Rather Than Just Hand Them To Him #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Area resident Russ Squirek insists on having his keys tossed to him rather than handed, sources reported Monday. "It's always, 'Yo, here we go, long bomb, send 'em over, going deep,'" friend Craig Green said. "I think he thinks it's cool." Green said Squirek also insists on hopping into convertibles whenever possible rather than using the door.
Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor #~# GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now that's a good smoke," said McCombs, 51, drawing a deep breath of Parliament smoke into what remains of his respiratory system. "It's just too bad I no longer have a right lung, because then I could be enjoying double the tobacco pleasure right now."
East St. Louis Rated 'Number One City In America' By Poverty Magazine #~# EAST ST. LOUIS, IL—The December issue of Poverty magazine, featuring its annual "Top American Cities" poll, hit newsstands Monday, and for the second year in a row, East St. Louis topped the list. "East St. Louis dominated our poll yet again in 2004, topping such categories as unemployment, hubcap availability, and liquor-stores-per-capita," Poverty editor Felicia Banks said. "The city's educational system also rated high, boasting a student-gun ratio of 1:1." Rounding out the top five, in descending order, were Flint, MI; Newark, NJ; Compton, CA; and Gary, IN.
Canadian Immigration Under Fire #~# Canada's relatively lax immigration policy has drawn criticism from U.S. leaders, who say the country provides an easy home base for terrorists. What do you think?
Police-Recruitment Woes #~# Across the nation, police departments are struggling to fill their ranks. What is being done to attract new recruits?
Hug Me! vs. No, Hug Me! #~# Hug me! I am so cute and furry! I will crawl all over you and lick your face. You can hold me, and I will nuzzle my nose against you. Arf! You can pet my fuzzy coat. My fur is thick, and I'm roly-poly and have adorable floppy ears. I'm not scrawny and bony like a duck. You can rub my tummy-wummy!  
I Wish I Were One Of TV's Golden Girls #~# Ever since my fall, I've been watching a lot more TV. It's lucky, too, because I've discovered the most delightful new show. It's called The Golden Girls. It's on every day at 5:30 p.m. on channel 14 and is about four women, Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia, who are getting on in years, just like me. And, like me, they have no husbands, and their children rarely visit or call. 
Boyfriend Keeps Bringing Up Scrabble Victory #~# PLYMOUTH, NH—Evan Riedel has made reference to his Dec. 20 Scrabble victory over girlfriend Amy Vanderploeg "about 200 friggin' times" in the days since, Vanderploeg reported Monday. 
Winterizing Tips #~# Winter, the season of sledding and snowmen, can be lots of fun—if you prepare in advance. Here are some tips on getting ready for the cold:
Department Of Libel: Drew Carey Killed A Guy And Paid To Cover It Up #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Libel, comedian and TV star Drew Carey killed a guy back in the 1980s, then paid this other guy to keep it all hush-hush. 
Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People #~# AL JIZAH, EGYPT—A team of British and Egyptian archaeologists made a stunning discovery Monday, unearthing several intact specimens of “skeleton people”—skinless, organless humans who populated the Nile delta region an estimated 6,000 years ago.
Area Mom Freaking Out For No Reason Again #~# GALESBURG, IL—Area mother of three Mary Kleibert, 54, was once again freaking out for no reason Tuesday, sources within the Kleibert family reported.
Son Loved More Than Football, Less Than Playoff Football #~# ALLENTOWN, PA—Diehard Eagles fan Bill Ferris said Monday that he loves his 12-year-old son Rex more than football, excepting the thrilling playoff games, of course. "When I tell you I love my son more than football, you better believe I'm saying something important," said Ferris, a 38-year-old accountant. "I wouldn't think of missing Rex playing a shepherd in the church nativity scene this Sunday. That's because the Eagles clinched the NFC East, and probably home-field advantage, too." Ferris said he has yet to form a plan for next month, when a playoff game overlaps with his son's band concert.
Secretary Cracks Under Administration Of Third Raspberry Margarita #~# ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Wintrust Financial secretary Kerry Jorgenson finally succumbed to coworker Charlotte Franze's interrogation after the administration of a third raspberry margarita at Champ's Dugout Monday. "No, Helen wasn't really sick last week—she and her husband are in counseling," a tipsy Jorgenson told Franze after slurping up the last few drops of her Razzmatazz. "And Jeffrey in tech support? Queer as a $3 bill. He and his 'roommate' are taking a trip to Florence together." Coworkers announced plans to re-administer margaritas at some point in the future, to coax Jorgenson into confirming their suspicions that their supervisor Jack Doogan gets Botox injections. 
Recently Mugged Friend A Racist All Of A Sudden #~# CHICAGO—Ever since being mugged by a black man, 28-year-old Caucasian Mark Weisner has become a racist, friends reported Monday. "I used to be more trusting, but I learned my lesson the hard way in October," Weisner said, alluding to the mugging. "Now I'm a lot more cautious around certain types, if you know what I mean." Weisner added that he has "no problem with Asian Americans."
Recalled Holiday Toys #~# The U.S Consumer Product Safety Comission recently released its annual list of recalled toys. Which items should parents avoid buying?
Jury: Peterson Deserves Death #~# Last week, jurors recommended that Scott Peterson be sentenced to death for murdering his pregnant wife, Laci. What do you think?
Privacy Advocates Refuse To Release New Report #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Privacy-rights advocates from the American Privacy Rights Center refused to release a heavily researched report on the new Intelligence Reform and Terrorism Prevention Act of 2004 Monday. 
Psychiatrists Treating Phantom Of The Opera Viewers For Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder #~# HOLLYWOOD—Psychiatrists in select cities nationwide have reported a surge in Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder cases following the Dec. 22 release of Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom Of The Opera. 
Scientific Journal Releases List Of Year's Top 100 Compounds #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—The Atlantic Journal Of Computational Chemistry released its ranking of the top 100 compounds of the year Tuesday, with H2O topping the list, and C12H22O11, NaCl, CaCO3, and Fe2O3 appearing in the top 10."Some people griped because hydrogen-, carbon-, and oxygen-based compounds made up more than 75 percent of the list," said Dr. Timothy Grant, one of 50 top scientists polled for the list. "But the influence these elements have on the chemical world cannot be denied." The list, which appeared in the magazine's December issue, has stirred up controversy among chemists for excluding the lesser-known but vital compound zinc sulfate heptahydrate.
Where Are Today's Mattress-Sales Visionaries? #~# After many nights spent tossing and turning, I broke down and bought a new mattress. Is it just me—pardon the pun—or has bedding sales lost its spring? Seriously, though, where have all the mattress-sales visionaries gone? 
Area Daughter Belittled Out Of Concern #~# PENSACOLA, FL—Out of concern for her daughter's well-being, Valerie Guzman spent the majority of her 26-year-old daughter Nancy's brief holiday visit belittling her. 
Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas #~# MADISON, WI—The holidays evoke images of carolers and hot cocoa, sleigh rides through the crisp country air, and chestnuts roasting on an open fire. But for the four residents of a drafty little apartment on Johnson Street, such holiday traditions seemed nothing more than fairy tales. For, through a combination of poverty, circumstance, and plain old bad luck, these young gentlemen nearly saw their holiday dreams shattered like so many fallen ornaments.
Actor Receives $25 Million For Everyman Role #~# HOLLYWOOD—Tom Hanks will reunite with director Steven Spielberg in Dreamworks’ Payne’s Pride, in which he will play the part of everyman John Hamilton Payne and receive $25 million for his efforts. “Tom is a man of the people,” Spielberg said. “America loves him because he seems so approachable, and that’s exactly what I told him last weekend over some Merlot from his vineyards.” Spielberg added that Hanks is always a joy to work with because “he can really nail ‘down to earth.’”
My Beloved, Would You Do Me The Honor Of Becoming The Fourth Mrs. Charles Ballard? #~# My dearest Rachel, we've been through so much in the past eight months. We've loved together, laughed together, and grown ever closer. You are everything I look for in a new wife: beautiful, intelligent, strong-willed, and creative. I can't imagine a life without you. So now, down on bended knee, my beloved, I ask you: Will you make me the happiest man alive by doing me the honor of becoming the fourth Mrs. Charles Ballard? 
Nigeria Chosen To Host 2008 Genocides #~# ABUJA, NIGERIA—At a celebratory press conference Monday, President Olusegun Obasanjo announced that Nigeria's troubled but oil-rich city of Warri has been chosen to host the 2008 Genocides. 
Dad's Marine Corps Training Evident During Christmas-Present Opening #~# CHARLESTON, SC—Retired Cpl. Kent Packard, 58, rarely puts his Marine Corps expertise to use, except during the yearly Christmas gift exchange, family sources reported Monday. "Every year, exactly two hours after cutting the ham, Dad makes us line up by the tree, then he distributes the presents to us in increasing order of age," his 17-year-old son Jerome said. "When he unwraps his own gifts, he lines up the pieces of cardboard and plastic packaging in a neat row, like he's field-stripping a rifle." Although family members say they admire Packard's acumen, they've warned him against waking the house with a Christmas-morning bugle rendition of "Jingle Bells."
Risk Champ Flunks Geography Test #~# ALBANY, NY—Alfred Wu, the 13-year-old winner of the 2004 East Coast Risk Championship, flunked his 8th-grade world-geography test, social-studies teacher Jane Laurent reported Monday. "His test paper was filled with names like Kamchatka and Yakutsk, and the Ukraine spread over half of Europe," Laurent said. "And, by his account, the U.S. is made up of only three states: Eastern United States, Western United States, and Alaska." Last week, Wu received an "F" on a paper he wrote about Napoleonic military Stratego.
Area Man Too Busy For His Buddy Phil, Eh? #~# JEFFERSON CITY, MO—College chum Steve Maeske is apparently too busy to give his buddy Phil a quick ring, sources reported Monday. "Phil, honestly, you know I'd love to go out to help you celebrate your birthday," said Maeske, who's been like a ghost ever since he married that Veronica woman. "It's just that, with work and the new baby, I don't have a spare minute. Come on, you can understand, can't you?" Sources close to Maeske don't see why he can't go out for one damn beer.
Sports-Related Murder Provides Perfect Local-News Segue #~# PHOENIX—The arrest of former Arizona State running back Darius Cantrell in connection with a homicide provided the perfect segue from local news to the sports report on KPHO CBS 5's News At Ten Monday. "Cantrell, who is charged with stabbing his ex-girlfriend 38 times, is being held without bail," anchor Diana Sullivan said. "Speaking of sports, can the Cardinals' coach bail the team out of a third-place finish in the NFC West? Our own Gary Cruz will have the verdict after the break." It was the station's most convenient transition to sports since May 1996, when an anchor moved from a piece on sex toys with the phrase, "and speaking of long double headers…"
Desperate Times Call For Desperate Housewives #~# We Americans are not strangers to hardship. We have endured economic woes, enmity between the states, and protracted campaigns in foreign lands. We have survived imperialist wars; we have survived unexpected attacks; we have seen countless lives wasted. Since America declared its independence, each successive generation has met a unique and unexpected challenge, but ours is the first to face the worst hardships of many generations in legion. Fellow citizens, we are living in desperate times, and desperate times call for Desperate Housewives.  
Iraq Troops Complain #~# Last week, troops complained to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld about extended deployments and poor equipment. What do you think?
Stopping Steroids #~# Major League Basball is under pressure to impose tougher rules against steroids. How do they plan to prevent the use of performance-enhancing drugs?
Spawn Of Santa #~# It's Christmastime again, and for your old pal Jean, that means one thing: limited-term seasonal employment. This year, my job is something I've done before. I'm wrapping gifts at the Northway Mall in the town where I grew up, about 30 minutes from Casa Teasdale. It pays seven bucks an hour, and there's quite a lot of sitting-around time on weekday mornings. But weekends are a whole different story! (Boy, if you ever start a business, hang a banner reading "Free Gift Wrapping Here!" People will wait in line for 25 minutes to avoid buying their own Scotch tape.) 
Family Secret Turns Out To Be Boring #~# MINNETONKA, MN—After nearly 30 years of subterfuge, Michael Henderson's parents Doug and Pam broke down and revealed their painful family secret, which turned out to be unbelievably boring, their son reported Monday. 
New Homeless Initiative To Raise Bottle Deposit To 12 Cents #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A bipartisan Congressional initiative passed Monday promises that relief, in the form of a national, 12-cent bottle-and-can refund, will soon come to the nation's estimated 600,000 homeless.  
Area Man Suspicious Of Wrap #~# ERIE, PA—Local resident and frequent fast-food-restaurant patron Don Turnbee said Monday that he was "still a little leery" of the wrap he'd ordered from the Jefferson Street Subway sandwich shop minutes before. 
Lawyers Separate Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen In 17-Hour Procedure #~# HOLLYWOOD—Attorneys representing Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen separated the career-conjoined twins in a harrowing, 17-hour procedure Monday. "Because they lived symbiotically for so many years, the most difficult task was methodically detaching each of their shared credits," said Divorah Kessler, one of the heroic lawyers on the five-person team. "After carefully removing the ampersand between their names and replacing it with a comma, we'll attempt to construct an individual persona for each girl." Lawyers on both sides list the girls' chances for solo-career survival as "fair."
World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice #~# ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—Nearly 700 scientists representing 27 countries convened at the University of Zurich Monday to formally announce that their experimentation on mice has been motivated not by a desire to advance human knowledge, but out of sheer distaste for the furry little rodents. 
Complete Idiot Still Thinks Brittany Murphy Dating Jeff Kwatinetz #~# CINCINNATI—Out-of-the-loop moron Karen Lenz stunned everyone within earshot Monday when she said Brittany Murphy was still dating Jeff Kwatinetz. "Isn't Brittany Murphy that teen star who's engaged to that agent?" said Lenz, who has apparently been in a coma since May 2004, when Kwatinetz and Murphy split. Sources close to the dumbbell said she's so retarded, she wasn't even aware that Murphy attended a guest screening of the film Bad Education last month, escorted by an anonymous hunk of arm candy. 
Bible Only Work Of Fiction In Family's Home #~# LAWRENCE, KS—After a weekend visit to the home of Gloria and Ben Kirchbauer, nephew James Fenderman, 26, said Monday that he was unable to locate a single work of fiction in the house. "I just wanted something to read before bed, but all my aunt and uncle had was a row of Time-Life how-to books, Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution, a yearbook, and Sincerely, Andy Rooney," Fenderman said. "The only book with any narrative whatsoever was the Good News Bible." Fenderman said he finally settled for a March 1995 issue of Prevention magazine that he'd found on a shelf with his aunt's cookbooks.
Friend's Wife Reportedly Very Funny #~# BILLINGS, MT—Accountant Carl Scoval told reporters Monday that, although he's heard that the wife of his coworker Tom Barton is hilarious, he's never had the opportunity to witness her sense of humor. "Tom is always saying how cool his wife Kim is, how she's always cracking these ironic jokes," Scoval said. "I guess she can cuss a blue streak, too. I don't know. Maybe someday I'll catch her in the act. Every time I've been around her, she's been pretty quiet." Scoval said he hears Kim can drink Barton under the table, as well.
City To Issue Deep, Meaningful Municipal Bonds #~# MODESTO, CA—The Modesto City Council announced Monday that it will issue deep, meaningful, general-obligation municipal bonds to any investor wishing to improve relations with the city. "My hope is that we can foster a closer, richer relationship with those who might provide us monies to improve Modesto's antiquated sewer system," Mayor Jim Ridenour said in an appeal to potential investors. "I promise—and this is coming right from the heart—if you stick with us through the long term, you will find yourself in a rewarding relationship with tax-exempt dividends." Ridenour added that bonds like his will need constant nurturing if they are to keep their Triple-A-rated status.
Peterson Given Lifetime Channel Sentence #~# REDWOOD CITY, CA—Scott Peterson, convicted in November of murdering his wife Laci and their unborn child, was issued a Lifetime Channel sentence during the penalty phase of his trial Monday. "Mr. Peterson's story shall be re-enacted in Lifetime movies and miniseries for a period of no less than 10 years," Judge Alfred Delucci told a packed courtroom Monday. "His story shall be remanded to Lifetime's custody until the network determines that public interest has waned sufficiently to allow airings on Oxygen." Delucci ordered that Peterson's team of lawyers be present for the casting.
Dollar Low Against Euro #~# Last week, the U.S dollar dipped to a record low against the euro. What are the reasons for the currency's decline?
Wal-Mart Announces Massive Rollback On Employee Wages #~# BENTONVILLE, AR—Wal-Mart, the world's largest discount retailer, announced its biggest-ever rollback Monday, with employee pay cuts of up to 35 percent. 
Authority Figures Call For Closing Of Area Roughhouse #~# SEYMOUR, IN—Local authority figures and townspeople assembled Monday at Seymour Town Hall to call for the closure of the town's controversial roughhouse, alleging that it has caused countless scrapes, bumps, and bruises since it opened in 1986. 
Son, We Need To Talk About This Supreme Court Obsession Of Yours #~# Son, could you come in here for a second? Well, I'm sorry, but that newspaper's just going to have to wait, because we really need to talk. Son, your mother and I have been worried about you. Your grades have been slipping, you've been spending less time with your friends, and you've been shutting yourself in your room for hours at a time. Now, I know it may make you feel uncomfortable to talk about it, but this Supreme Court obsession of yours has become a problem.  
Americans Marrying Later #~# Census Bureau figures for 2003 show that Americans are getting married later, with the average age for a first marriage having risen to 26. What do you think?
What This Town Needs Is A Child In A Well #~# It seems like every house in this town has a fence, every door a lock. Our next-door neighbors have become strangers. We've lost touch with our friends. Our community's streets are safer than ever, but its residents have become isolated. We desperately need something to strengthen the common bonds that have weakened over time. If you ask me, what this town needs is a child in a well.
Local Woman's Life Looks Bearable In Scrapbook #~# OCCOQUAN, VA—Jane Hemmer's family scrapbook, prominently displayed on her coffee table at all times, gives the impression that her life is not only bearable, but even pleasant, sources not particularly close to the 58-year-old homemaker said Monday.
Congress Approves Of $250 Billion #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a near-unanimous vote Monday, 434 members of the House and all 100 senators voiced their approval of $250 billion. "My fellow members of Congress, $250 billion is an incredibly vast sum of money," U.S. Rep. Dennis Rehberg (R-MT) said. "That much money is totally awesome." House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), the lone dissenter, disagreed with Rehberg's assessment, saying that, unless the money was stacked on a table in one-dollar bills, it was "pretty cool," but not "awesome."
Man Gets All The Way To Hospital Just To Find Out Wife Will Be Fine #~# BRIDGEPORT, CT—Responding to a distressing message left on his voicemail, Martin Hermenson drove all the way across town to Bridgeport Hospital Saturday, only to learn that his wife Kara will be fine. "All I heard was 'Kara fell off a ladder,' so I left work and rushed right to the emergency room," Hermenson said. "I got there, and it turned out she'd fractured her fibula—no big deal at all. It wasn't like she was never going to walk again." Hermenson added that he didn't see why he had to waste perfectly good Knicks tickets that night, when Kara went straight to bed after getting home anyway.
Dance-Club Bathroom Left Out Of Gay Couple's Meeting Story #~# MINNEAPOLIS—During an anniversary get-together at their apartment Monday, Matthew Ledger and Dale Robertson told the story of their first meeting to a curious friend, omitting key details that took place in the men's room of a Hennepin Avenue dance club. "Oh, we met at The Gay '90s," Robertson said, making no mention of the fellatio Ledger performed on him in the second-floor restroom. "Matt bought me a drink, and we and ended up dancing together all night long. When his date was pulling him out of the club at the end of the night, he slipped me his number." Helen Meske, the friend who asked about the couple's meeting, said the story was "so sweet."
Party Host Proudly Informs Guests They're Eating Shark #~# MANKATO, MN—At a dinner party Monday, host Jeanette Rojahn, 44, announced with great pride that the main course she was serving was shark. "Can you guess what you're eating? It's shark!" Rojahn said to her seven dinner guests, who collectively muttered forced exclamations of surprise. "I know, can you believe it? It's actual shark! I saw it at the Market Basket, and I thought, 'What the heck! Let's try shark!'" Rojahn's guests last feigned excitement in August, when the hostess served cactus.
Beware The Kristina Applegate Curse! #~# Item! I've been researching one of my favorite actresses. You may know her as Kelly Bundy, but her real name is Kristina Applegate. She's always been a shining example of an acting triple threat: brains, beauty, and a great sense of humor. That's why I could hardly believe my discovery, but I checked and double-checked the evidence, and there was no denying the unsettling box-office phenomenon I christened The Kristina Applegate Curse. We little guys all think of Kristina as celebrity dynamite, but she's actually, at best, a firecracker. How do I know it? Let me set the scene. After seeing the underrated Surviving Christmas, I went on the Internet line, just to make sure I hadn't overlooked any of Kristina's work. What a surprise I was in for! It turns out I hadn't even scratched the surface. Her résumé read like a Top 10 list of flops. Surviving Christmas was a lump of coal, business-wise. Employee Of The Month? Never heard of it. View From The Top? Crashed on landing. All these movies had star power out the wazoo, so there was no reason they should've tanked. I double-checked the Harvey research, and sure enough, these movies all had one common element: Kristina.  
Kids Using Drugs To Study #~# Studies show that more and more college students are abusing prescription ADHD drugs like Adderall and Ritalin to help them study. What do you think?
Trump Casinos Bankrupt #~# Last week, Donald Trump's casino empire filed for bankruptcy. What caused the company's crushing dept?
$25,000 Is Its Own Reward #~# I don't consider myself special. True, I helped bring a dangerous criminal to justice, but the attention I received doesn't matter to me. Call me a hero if you want, but I didn't do it for the praise. As far as I'm concerned, $25,000 is its own reward. 
In Search Of A Better Life, Teen Moves Downstairs #~# DEERFIELD, IL—Like generations of teenagers before him, 16-year-old Eric Jankowski has pulled up stakes to seek a future in a distant land of opportunity and independence. Bravely facing the difficulties of a harsh new world, he placed his meager possessions on his back and made a journey of 70 feet in search of a better life downstairs. 
New Social Security Plan Allows Workers To Put Portion Of Earnings On Favorite Team #~# WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush signed an ambitious Social Security plan into law Monday that will allow citizens to bet a third of their payroll taxes on their favorite sports teams. 
Iraq Adopts Terror Alert System #~# BAGHDAD—The Iraqi Department of Homeland Security recently released a 10-level, color-coded homeland security advisory system that will alert citizens to the risk of a terrorist attack within Iraq's borders. The country's current threat level is elevated, or Code Yellow-Orange. Citizens living in towns with populations of 1,500 or more should prepare for the smoke of burning vehicles to obscure the sun and expect hostages to be tortured for several days before being killed. Should the terror risk level rise to Code Orange-Yellow, it is likely that hostages will be left alive only long enough to dig their own graves.  
Childhood Friend Stops Writing After Two E-mails #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—David Krohl, 29, said Monday that his renewed contact with childhood friend Mike Bunge seems to have ended after two e-mails. "It was so cool to hear from my old locker buddy Mike!" Krohl said. "He sent me all these photos of his kids and told me he still thinks about me, and I sent him this big, long e-mail about my life. But now it's been two months since I've heard from him. Ah, well, glad to hear he's doing well." Krohl said that, though it was great to reconnect with his old friend, it's unlikely he'll fly to Fargo, ND for Bunge's 30th birthday in January as planned.
Fighting Insomnia #~# Insomnia—the chronic inability to fall and remain asleep—affects roughly 20 percent of American adults. Here are some tips to get a better night's sleep:
Office-Newsletter Editor Refuses To Back Down #~# SALINA, KS—Shipping department manager Nathan Harrity refused to apologize Monday for the controversy surrounding the November issue of Shoppe Talk, the Vitamin Shoppe corporate headquarters' internal newsletter.
Debate Team State Finalists Live It Up In Super 8 Hot Tub #~# OSHKOSH, WI—The 16 members of the Abbotsford High School debate team enjoyed a night of revelry in the hot tub of an Oshkosh Super 8 motel Sunday, celebrating their second-place finish in the Wisconsin High School Forensic Association state competition. 
New Movie Taps Into Nation's Love Of Rapping Kangaroos #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—The new Jerry Bruckheimer comedy Kangaroo Jack has successfully tapped into America's longstanding love affair with rapping kangaroos, taking in a box-office-best $17.7 million in its opening weekend. "From Krazy Legs Kangol in the early '80s to such New School acts as Pouch Gangstas and Tha Mar$upials, kangaroos have always been at the forefront of the rap scene," media analyst Glen Coffey said. "But not until now has anyone had the vision to exploit this trend in a full-length feature film." Warner Bros. has already confirmed plans for a sequel, Koala Bob, featuring a computer-generated beat-boxing koala who steals $50 million in gold bullion… and he's not giving it back.
AOL/Time Warner Turmoil Over-Reported, Says Time #~# NEW YORK—According to the Feb. 3 issue of Time, the internal turmoil plaguing AOL/Time Warner is being over-reported by the national media. "Once again, tabloids like Newsweek and U.S. News & World Report insist on trawling through the Dumpster of this non-story, desperate to dig up any dirt they can find," columnist Lance Morrow wrote. "This would be bad enough in times of slow news, but a nation about to go to war and confused about which online service offers the best enhanced e-mail features surely deserves better."
Man Totally Proud Of Last Night's Drunken Phone Calls #~# ENID, OK—Andrew Colquitt expressed pride Monday in a drunken cross-country calling spree he'd embarked on the previous night. "I really gave that dick Larry Trachte a piece of my mind, and I finally told Steve I slept with his girlfriend back in high school," Colquitt said. "I think I even called [ex-girlfriend] Rebecca [Anders], although I might have just dreamed that." The 38-year-old Colquitt also called former college roommate Alex Via to inform him that he is "the greatest guy ever. Dude, I fuckin' love you, dude. Serious."
Real World Producers Still Looking To Fill Eating-Disorder Slot #~# VAN NUYS, CA—Jonathan Murray, co-executive producer of the MTV reality series The Real World, reported Monday that with just weeks to go before shooting begins, the eating-disorder slot for the cast of Real World 13: Paris remains unfilled. "We're still trying to find a hot young bulimic or anorexic, ideally with bisexual leanings," Murray said. "We found a woman who was perfect, except she was Asian, and we already had our non-black minority slot filled." Murray said that as a last resort, he has a perky blonde sexual-abuse victim ready to go.
Fox's Reality Shows #~# Having struck ratings gold with Man Vs. Beast and Joe Millionaire, Fox has plans for more reality-TV programming.
Affirmative Action Under Fire #~# President Bush recently urged the Supreme Court to strike down the University of Michigan's affirmative-action program as unconstitutional. What do you think?
Real World Producers Still Looking To Fill Eating-Disorder Slot #~# VAN NUYS, CA—Jonathan Murray, co-executive producer of the MTV reality series The Real World, reported Monday that with just weeks to go before shooting begins, the eating-disorder slot for the cast of Real World 13: Paris remains unfilled. "We're still trying to find a hot young bulimic or anorexic, ideally with bisexual leanings," Murray said. "We found a woman who was perfect, except she was Asian, and we already had our non-black minority slot filled." Murray said that as a last resort, he has a perky blonde sexual-abuse victim ready to go.
When It Comes To Entertainment, My Sign Is Leo! #~# Happy New Year! Sorry I was a bit slow bringing you your first steaming-hot batch of 2003 gossip, but I had to take a few weeks off just to digest the holiday fruitcake! You know the one? The one someone gives every year? Well, I ate it. 
Migrant Worker Family Thrilled To See Selves On Cover Of The Economist #~# SAN CARLOS, TX—A family of Mexican migrant workers was thrilled to find its picture on the cover of the Jan. 25 issue of The Economist, vegetable farmhand, factory laborer, and fruit picker Luis Moreno reported Monday. 
This Racist Propaganda Practically Writes Itself! #~# All my life, I dreamed of writing racist propaganda, but I was always too scared to try. I came up with every excuse in the book: I lacked the necessary education, I wasn't a good enough writer, I didn't know enough racial slurs. But then, one day, I gave it a whirl, and you know what? It was easy! The hateful rants just poured out of me and onto the page. I'm telling you, this racist propaganda practically writes itself.
Depressed Roommate Hitting The GameCube Pretty Hard #~# WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—Despondent over a recent breakup with his longtime girlfriend, Purdue University graduate student Tim Mahaffey, 27, has been hitting the Nintendo GameCube "pretty hard," roommates reported Monday.
U.N. Orders Wonka To Submit To Chocolate Factory Inspections #~# UNITED NATIONS—Responding to pressure from the international community, the U.N. ordered enigmatic candy maker William "Willy" Wonka to submit to chocolate-factory inspections Monday.
Father Wants Only The Best For His Truck #~# PRINEVILLE, OR—Charles "Chuck" Maurer, a local lumberyard manager and father of two, wants only the very best for his 2002 Ford F150 extended-cab truck, the 41-year-old reported Monday. 
Bored Assistant Principal Browses Through Confiscated Items #~# INDEPENDENCE, MO—Unable to find anything else to do, bored Harry S Truman Middle School assistant principal William Podrewski rifled through the school's box of confiscated items Monday, searching for anything of interest. "Lots of cherry bombs in here," the 51-year-old Podrewski mused while sifting through the box, coming across a butterfly knife, a packet of raisins, and a Puddle Of Mudd CD. "Man, when I was a kid, I would have gotten seriously horse-whipped for having some of this stuff." Podrewski eventually settled on a faded March 1974 issue of Oui magazine.
Business Traveler Closes Mini-Bar #~# CHARLOTTE, NC—After a long day of meetings and seminars, business traveler Patrick Hodge stayed up late Monday, closing the mini-bar in room 1815 of the Charlotte Marriott. "I'm usually a two-martini-then-hit-the-sack kind of guy," Hodge said. "But I was really wound up, and they had lots of those little bottles of my favorite liquors, so I said, 'What the hey?'" After closing down the mini-bar, Hodge staggered to the hotel's vending machine to beat the 3 a.m. "after-mini-bar rush." 
Track Winnings Reinvested In Blackjack Futures #~# ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Seeking to grow his financial assets, Piscataway, NJ, gambler Richard Pasquale shrewdly reinvested his $2,432 trifecta win in the third race at Belmont Park in high-yield blackjack futures Monday. "The thoroughbred game is so vulnerable to track fluctuations, I thought it would be better to transfer my funds into a more proven money-maker, one with a tremendous upside," said Pasquale, speaking from the blackjack pit at Harrah's Atlantic City casino. "Plus, I got a feeling I'm headed for a hot streak." He then instructed his dealer to hit him. 
Area Man Proud Of Blood Type #~# RADCLIFFE, IA—Despite its being the uncontrollable product of genetics and chance, Phil Schroeder's blood type is a frequent source of pride for the 26-year-old graphic designer. "I'm B-negative," said Schroeder, expecting to get a big reaction from coworker Mindy Tremont. "That's the second most rare after AB-negative." Schroeder, who has been known to high-five fellow B-negatives, went on to tell Tremont that individuals with Type B are said to be creative and excitable, prompting her to murmur, "Wow." 
Eliminating Stock-Dividend Taxes #~# As part of his tax-cut plan, President Bush has proposed abolishing taxes on stock dividends—a move critics say primarily benefits the rich. What do you think? 
Skeptic Pitied #~# FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Craig Schaffner, 46, a Fayetteville-area computer consultant, has earned the pity of friends and acquaintances for his tragic reluctance to embrace the unverifiable, sources reported Monday. 
New Economy Wistfully Recalled As Tiny Dot-Com Promotional Object Found In Drawer #~# SAN FRANCISCO—The "New Economy"—the Internet-driven business landscape once predicted to make "bricks and mortar" retailers obsolete—was wistfully recalled Monday, when a small dot-com promotional item was discovered in the junk drawer of former dot-commer Eric Noyce. 
Recent Medical Studies #~# A study has found that regular, moderate consumption of alcohol cuts the risk of heart attack by a third.
I Appreciate The Muppets On A Much Deeper Level Than You #~# Dennis, Dennis, Dennis.
Ask A Bride And Groom's Self-Penned Wedding Vows #~# Two weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of four years, whom I'll call "Cal." I really have no interest in keeping in contact with him, but during our relationship I became very close with his mother. Since the breakup, I've spoken to her on the phone four times, and she recently sent me a birthday card. I miss her and would like to visit her, but I don't know if maintaining a friendship with the parent of an ex is appropriate. What should I do?
Teen Stops Masturbating Long Enough To Save Family From Fire #~# PANAMA CITY, FL—Tragedy was narrowly averted Tuesday, when local 14-year-old Andy Foss suspended his usual non-stop autoerotic stimulation just long enough to drag unconscious family members from the fire consuming their home. "Apparently, Andy's parents, brother, and two sisters were rendered unconscious by smoke and fumes engulfing the house," Panama City fire chief Bill Engel said. "They would have surely perished, had this remarkable young man not heroically torn himself away from masturbation long enough to drag them to safety." Upon the fire department's arrival, Foss reportedly requested an extra blanket.
Eating Entire Box Of Donuts Not Originally Part Of Evening's Plan #~# OVERLAND PARK, KS—Moments after consuming the twelfth and final Hostess™ powdered-sugar donut, Overland Park resident Patrick Angelis, 46, admitted Monday that eating an entire box of donuts was not originally part of his plan for the evening. "I figured I'd kick back in front of the TV, watch King Of Queens and Yes, Dear, and maybe enjoy a donut or two," the sated, powder-faced Angelis said. "But before you know it, the whole box was gone." Added Angelis: "Hey, you gotta stay flexible; take what the night brings you." 
Asshole Even Shoots Pool Like An Asshole #~# MONTROSE, CA—According to acquaintances, area asshole Kris Stenstrup, 31, even shoots pool like an asshole. "He's not even good, but he still acts all macho and cool, like he's Minnesota Fats or something," roommate Lisa Darmont said Monday. "Like, whenever he sinks a shot, he blows on his pool cue and then puts it back in its invisible holster. Oh, and he loves to play 'mind games' with his 'prey,' hovering over them and whispering 'Don't be nervous' before they shoot." Darmont added that Stenstrup is also fond of singing Warren Zevon's "Werewolves Of London," from the 1986 billiards-themed film The Color Of Money, while cockily circling the table. 
Humane Society Worker Secretly Glad To See Nippy Dachshund Put Down #~# MARYSVILLE, OH—Union County Humane Society volunteer Catherine Moncrief, 23, admitted Monday that a small part of her was glad to see Oscar, a nippy, hyperactive dachshund, put to sleep. "I feel really guilty, but when they euthanized him, I was kind of like, 'Ha, ha—serves you right, you obnoxious little shit,'" Moncrief said. "I went through a whole bottle of hydrogen peroxide in two weeks from feeding and washing him." Moncrief then privately mused that the incessantly whimpering cocker in Cage 12 could go next for all she cares. 
The Raelians #~# The Raelians, an international UFO sect, claims it has cloned a human baby. What is known about the group and its members?
Joinin' Tha Notary Club #~# Governor Glenda P. Ten EyckState Capitol Building
Bush's Smallpox-Vaccination Plan #~# President Bush's smallpox-vaccination plan has sparked controversy, as the vaccine carries a small risk of severe and even deadly side effects. What do you think?
30th Anniversary Of 1973 Commemorated #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Across the U.S., ceremonies have already begun to commemorate the 30th anniversary of 1973. "No one who lived through 1973 can ever forget it," said singer Tony Orlando, unveiling a plaque Monday on the National Mall reading "1973: 1973-2003." "From Richard Nixon's second inauguration to Billie Jean King's defeat of Bobby Riggs, 1973 was a special year that will be celebrated all year long." The U.S. Postal Service announced plans Tuesday to observe the milestone with a paisley stamp trumpeting "30 Years Of 1973." 
Free Condom Harsh Reminder Of Sexless Existence #~# SANTA CRUZ, CA—A free condom served as a harsh reminder of the sexless existence Julie Tudor has endured since February 2002, the 31-year-old bookstore manager reported Tuesday. 
One Look At My Music Collection Will Show You How Much I Respect Women #~# There are a lot of men out there who are hostile to women. And, to be perfectly honest, it shows in their CD collections. Not me, though. One look at my collection will show you how much I respect women. 
Supernatural Powers Vested In Local Pastor #~# BILOXI, MS—Michael Cotto, 27, and Laura Winningham, 26, were pronounced husband and wife Monday, thanks to the supernatural powers vested in local Presbyterian minister Gerald Dreisbach by the Lord Himself. "We are so lucky to live near a man who is an actual conduit of God's will," Cotto told reporters after the ceremony. "We wouldn't have been able to get married otherwise." Dreisbach has also used his otherworldly authority to call for good fortune in the lives of parishioners, as well as swift passage to heaven for the deceased.
Creationist Museum Acquires 5,000-Year-Old T. Rex Skeleton #~# TULSA, OK—In a major coup for the growing field of creation science, the perfectly preserved remains of a 5,000-year-old Tyrannosaurus Rex were delivered Monday to Tulsa’s Creationist Museum of Natural History. 
McDonald's Stock Slides As More Consumers Turn To Food #~# OAK BROOK, IL—The McDonald’s Corporation announced Tuesday that it will close 175 restaurants and cut nearly 600 corporate jobs, responding to a plunge in stock prices blamed on a depressed economy and rising consumer interest in actual food.
Bush On North Korea: 'We Must Invade Iraq' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—With concern over North Korea's nuclear capabilities growing, President Bush reassured the American people Monday that "extreme force" will be used to remove Saddam Hussein from power if the Iraqi president fails to give up suspected weapons of mass destruction.
New Bailiff Tired Of Hearing How Old Bailiff Did Things #~# FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Deputy Benjamin H. Weaver, court bailiff of the Flagstaff Municipal Courthouse, has grown weary of the constant comparisons to recently retired bailiff Leo Cessna. "I don't care if Deputy Leo always let you use the bathroom during opening arguments—I'm not Leo," the 34-year-old Weaver told jurors Tuesday. "I'm not Leo, I've never been Leo, and I can never be Leo, okay?" After the session, court stenographer Judy Rayburn tried to comfort Weaver, telling the shaken bailiff that it took years for the judges to accept her way of using semicolons.
NBC Cancels CSI #~# BURBANK, CA—Seeking to bolster its Thursday-night Nielsen numbers, NBC announced Monday that it is cancelling the highly rated CBS drama CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. "CSI was a quality show that, unfortunately, always quite lived up to expectations," said Jeff Zucker, NBC president of entertainment. "We tried to give it plenty of time to lose an audience, but in the end, it just was working." Other shows NBC may cancel include Fox's American Idol, ABC's Alias, and CBS's Everybody Loves Raymond.
Corey Flintoff Unleashes Sonorous, Pleasantly Modulated String Of Obscenities #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Upon injuring a toe Sunday, Corey Flintoff, newscaster for NPR's All Things Considered, unleashed a string of rich, pleasantly modulated obscenities. "God fucking dammit," Flintoff warmly intoned after dropping a heavy-duty router on his foot while working in his garage. "Stupid fucking cocksucking son of a bitch." Added Flintoff in a lush baritone: "Goddamn motherfucking shit-for-brains. This is NPR." Next-door neighbor Cheryl Thomas, who overheard the tirade, said Flintoff's delivery was so melodic, she was unaware that he was swearing.
It Takes A Village to Stitch 20,000 Dallas Cowboys Sweatshirts #~# In this life, we need the help of others to get by. No one person—nor two, nor four, nor even forty—is enough to undertake the task of producing thousands of pieces of officially licensed NFL merchandise. You cannot do it alone. It takes a total team effort. Indeed, here in Guatemala, we have a saying: It takes a village to stitch 20,000 Dallas Cowboys sweatshirts. 
Spreadin' A Little Sunshine #~# You know, your old pal Jean likes to think she can take a joke. After all, life is short, and it's important to have a sense of humor about things. But those pranksters who stole the "Think Spring!" display from the balcony of my apartment really and truly crossed the line. 
Preparing For The Worst #~# Nervous about the prospect of terrorist attacks, Americans are taking steps to ready themselves.
Sophomore Senator Eager To Move Out Of Congressional Housing #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the noise, constant distractions, and lack of privacy, sophomore Sen. Wayne Allard (R-CO) told reporters Monday that he is eager to move out of congressional housing. 
The Anti-SUV Movement #~# Decried as gas-guzzling road hazards, SUVs are also under fire for supporting terrorism by increasing U.S. dependence on Mideast oil. What do you think?
Iraqi Homeowner To Wait A While Before Re-Shingling Roof #~# BAGHDAD—Homeowner Aftab Shamoun, 34, announced Monday that he will likely wait "just a little while" before moving ahead with plans to re-shingle the roof of his Baghdad home. "Now may not be the best time to put on those nice new ceramic shingles," said Shamoun, whose roof was damaged in a wind storm last November. "Heck, I've been putting it off for so long, a few more months won't hurt." Despite putting the shingling project on the back burner, Shamoun said he plans to spend next weekend insulating his front windows with energy-efficient plywood boards.
Man Has Derogatory Nickname For Every Neighboring Town #~# VANDALIA, IL—According to friends and acquaintances, local resident Paul Sadecki is a walking repository of derogatory nicknames for towns surrounding Vandalia.
Breakup Hints Misinterpreted As Marriage-Proposal Hints #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Amanda Gentry, 25, has misinterpreted longtime boyfriend Wilson Crandall's recent break-up hints—including erratic behavior and strange, cryptic remarks about their future—as marriage-proposal hints.
God Quietly Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity #~# HEAVEN—Calling the Holy Trinity "overstaffed and over budget," God announced plans Monday to downsize the group by slowly phasing out the Holy Ghost. "Given the poor economic climate and the unclear nature of the Holy Ghost's duties, I felt this was a sensible and necessary decision," God said. "The Holy Ghost will be given fewer and fewer responsibilities until His formal resignation from Trinity duty following Easter services on April 20. Thereafter, the Father and the Son shall be referred to as the Holy Duo."
Orange Alert Sirens To Blow 24 Hours A Day In Major Cities #~# WASHINGTON, DC—As an additional reminder that the U.S. is on high alert for terrorist attacks, Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge announced Tuesday that Orange Alert klaxons will blare 24 hours a day in all major cities.
New Prisoner Recognized From 'Scared Straight' Visit #~# RAHWAY, NJ—New Rahway State Penitentiary inmate Andrew Traber, 19, was recognized Monday by longtime inmate Ronald Wayne Desmond, who met Traber in 1998 in the prison's "Scared Straight" program. "I couldn't believe it: There he was, little Andrew, all grown up," said Desmond, 38, who is serving two consecutive life sentences for murder. "So I yelled, 'Hey, Andrew, it's me—the guy who told you when you were 14 what it's like to be brutally gang-raped in the prison laundry with a shiv held to your throat.' He kind of nodded hi, but I got the feeling he didn't remember me."
No One At Ad Agency Remembers Hiring Carrot Top For Commercial #~# NEW YORK—Despite their best efforts, creative executives at the Young & Rubicam advertising agency cannot recall how Carrot Top came to be hired for the "1-800-CALL-ATT" collect-call campaign. "I really, truly don't remember ever casting that guy," Young & Rubicam creative director Molly Herbert said of the hideous, clown-faced comedian. "To be honest, all anyone here can remember is firing David Arquette two years ago, then suddenly there's Carrot Top on the set." Herbert and her team were equally at a loss over who developed the "Just Dial Down The Middle" concept.
Paintball Team Visits Vietnam Memorial #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The five members of the Blitz Cougars paintball team of Ashburn, GA, paid their respects to their fallen compatriots at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial on Monday. "None of us served in Vietnam, but we too have witnessed firsthand the unspeakable horrors of combat," said Derek "Boone" Bechet, 23, the Cougars' team leader. "Last August, I lost one of my men when a round of Draxxus Inferno sapphire blue caught him right in the temple. Chris was only 19 when he got taken out of the game for good." Fighting back tears, Bechet bowed his head in silent prayer for his splattered comrade.
Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever #~# ROCHESTER, MN—Bacon, long believed to contribute to heart disease and obesity, possesses significant health benefits, according to a study released Monday by Dr. Albert Gruber, the best scientist ever. "My research has found that three strips of crispy, mouthwatering bacon every morning can actually reduce cholesterol and help slow the aging process," the awesome Gruber said. "What's more, the bacon's positive effects are enhanced when combined with milk shakes and/or marijuana." In 1997, Gruber, a Mayo Clinic cardiologist, was awarded nine Nobel Prizes in Medicine for discovering that frequent oral sex with models cures cancer.
Well, I Think Michael Jackson Looks Nice #~# I don't understand why some people have to build themselves up by tearing other people down. Everywhere I go these days, I hear people making nasty comments about Michael Jackson's appearance. Well, I think Michael Jackson looks very nice. 
The Ben And J. Lo Show #~# Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are America's hottest celebrity couple. How do they spend a typical day?
Girlfriend Stops Reading David Foster Wallace Breakup Letter At Page 20 #~# BLOOMINGTON, IL—Claire Thompson, author David Foster Wallace's girlfriend of two years, stopped reading his 67-page breakup letter at page 20, she admitted Monday. 
Terrorism 'Not Likely' Cause Of Fire At Local Laundromat #~# EUCLID, OH—Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge assured the American people Monday that terrorism was "not likely a factor" in the fire that damaged a downtown Euclid laundromat Sunday afternoon. 
Newlyweds Regret Saving Sex For Marriage #~# WETUMKA, OK—Two weeks after their Feb. 1 wedding, Matt and Liz Kuchen, both 32, regret remaining virgins until marriage. "Why the hell did I wait?" Liz said Tuesday. "I could've been having mind-blowing sex with dozens of guys these last 15 years, and instead I spent them making little uptight speeches about how it'll be more special if I hold out." Matt agreed, saying, "Stacy Pratt totally would've done me. Oh, man."
Iraq, Kentucky Vie For World Shooting-Into-The-Air Supremacy #~# COON HOLLOW, KY—In a rivalry that shows no signs of abating, Iraq and Kentucky remain locked in a bitter struggle for world shooting-into-the-air supremacy.
Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does #~# OBERLIN, OH—According to a study released Monday, women—once empowered primarily via the assertion of reproductive rights or workplace equality with men—are now empowered by virtually everything the typical woman does.
No Blood For Oil vs. Exactly How Much Oil Are We Talking About? #~# Contrary to what he would have you believe, President Bush's plans to invade Iraq have nothing to do with such high-minded goals as liberating the Iraqi people or saving the world from terrorism. His "principled" stand is actually just a thinly veiled attempt to gain control of the oil-rich Middle East at the cost of human lives. It is time for the people of the United States to rise up and say, "No blood for oil!"
Can N. Korea Nukes Reach The U.S.? #~# Last week, U.S. intelligence officials stated that North Korea has the technology to fire nuclear missiles at the West Coast. What do you think?
High-School Teacher Constantly Using Janitor As Example #~# GRAND FORKS, ND—Arnold Danielson, a chemistry teacher at Warren G. Harding High School, has for the past eight years used custodian Howard Sievert as a living warning to underachieving or misbehaving students. "When my grades started to slip, Mr. Danielson took me aside and said, 'Well, you can buckle down and study harder… or you can end up like old Howie,'" sophomore Dave Netzel said. "Boy, I got the hint big-time." Netzel said Danielson is also fond of asking tardy students to name their favorite car and then informing them that such a car is unaffordable on a janitor's salary.
Laffy Taffy Writer Disdains Bazooka #~# ITASCA, IL—Bruce Palmer, a writer and editor for Nestle's "Laffy Taffy" line of joke-bearing fruit-flavored chews, holds Topps Bazooka gum and its line of complimentary comic art in sneering contempt, he revealed Monday. "Don't get me wrong: In the Golden Age of the 1970s and 1980s, Bazooka Joe was amazing—a big influence on me," the 43-year-old Palmer said. "But when Topps went all corporate, and the P.C. suits made them dump [sombrero-clad mischief-maker] Pesty, it all went downhill." Palmer went on to dismiss Bazooka as "a stain on the proud literary genre of candy-wrapper humor."
Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage #~# SAN DIEGO—Twelve San Diego Zoo visitors and two employees were brutally sedated Monday, when laid-off zoologist Dr. Brian Vermeer, 41, returned to his former place of work armed with a tranquilizer gun and began firing into a crowd. "It was kind of horrible," said Maria Christopher, 44, who witnessed the tranquilizing spree. "People were gently falling asleep over the course of 20 to 30 seconds everywhere." The spree ended when Vermeer turned his gun on himself, knocking himself out for half an hour.
U.S. Council Of Coolness Releases Formal Statement On Prince #~# WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, the U.S. Council of Coolness released its long-awaited ruling on Prince, declaring the recording artist "provisionally cool" by a 13-11 margin. "This was a more difficult decision than it should have been," the 240-page report read. "In the end, however, albums like 1999 and Sign O' The Times are sufficiently brilliant to offset such padded late-period dorkfests as Rave Un2 The Joy Fantastic and The Rainbow Children." The Council of Coolness warned that the decision could be reversed if Prince records one more rap in which he declares himself "super-fonky" or "2 jammin' 4 U."
Saddam Enrages Bush With Full Compliance #~# WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush expressed frustration and anger Monday over a U.N. report stating that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is now fully complying with weapons inspections. "Enough is enough," a determined Bush told reporters. "We are not fooled by Saddam's devious attempts to sway world opinion by doing everything the U.N. asked him to do. We will not be intimidated into backing down and, if we have any say in the matter, neither will Saddam." Bush added that any further Iraqi attempt to meet the demands of the U.N. or U.S. will be regarded as "an act of war."
Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear #~# PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday. 
Ashcroft Orders Staff To Chain Him Tightly Before Next Full Moon #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a move that has sparked widespread speculation, Attorney General John Ashcroft gave explicit orders to his staff Monday to tightly bind him in heavy iron chains before the next full moon on Sunday, Feb. 16. 
Friendship Moving Way Too Fast #~# GLENDALE, CA—Expressing a desire to "slow things down and keep it casual," Troy Lanier, 28, said Monday that his friendship with Scott Perotta, 27, is moving way too fast. 
The Future Of NASA #~# In the wake of the Columbia tragedy, many are questioning the wisdom and necessity of NASA's manned-space-flight program. What do you think?
The King Of Pop Speaks #~# Last week, ABC aired Living With Michael Jackson, a candid two-hour documentary on the eccentric superstar.
People Of Earth: We Come In Search Of Quality Name-Brand Footwear At Reasonable Prices #~# Citizens of Earth! I greet you on behalf of our leader, the grand exalted Emperor Xervandian. We have been dispatched from Zarvox, the 18th planet in the Klaator-Na quadrant. Do not be alarmed. We do not wish to harm you. Ours is a peaceful mission. We come in search of quality name-brand footwear at reasonable prices. 
You Will Know Love #~# Erase all doubt from your mind, for tonight, you will know love. Let me tell you how I am going to lay it down.
N. Korea Wondering What It Has To Do To Attract U.S. Military Attention #~# PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—As the U.S. continues to inch toward war with Iraq, a jealous and frustrated North Korea is wondering what it has to do to attract American military attention.
I Wish I Were More Like My Online Persona #~# In the online world, I, Hankscorpio74, am known to be charismatic, tough, quick-witted, and tenacious as a copperhead snake. Like my namesake, Globex Corporation president Hank Scorpio, I am roguish and unflappable, possessing the confidence and flair of 20 men. Unfortunately, all of that changes when I drag my cursor down to "Shut Down" at the bottom of the "Special" menu. For all the admiration and respect I command in chat rooms, in real life, it's a different story. Oh, how I wish I were more like my online persona. 
Department Of The Interior Sets Aside Two Million Acres For Car Commercials #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to "safeguard our precious wildlands for future generations of SUV ads," the Department of the Interior set aside two million acres in Wyoming and Colorado for use in car commercials Monday. "If we do not protect this land," Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton said, "we may one day have no place for Dodge Rams to run wild and free."
Baby's Third Through Eighth Words Registered Trademarks #~# PHOENIX—Mere weeks after saying "Mama" and "Dada" for the first time, 17-month-old Max Ellis has expanded his vocabulary to include the registered trademarks Tinky Winky™, Fruit Roll-Up™, Nintendo™, Blue's Clues™, Superman™, and Pepsi™. "I think I even heard him say 'McDonald's™' yesterday," mother Darlene Ellis said. "He's growing up so fast." 
Man Vows Never To Watch Another Sci-Fi Movie With Physicist Friend #~# DALLAS—After watching Starship Troopers with friend Jeff Oberst Monday, Adam Buck vowed never to watch another science-fiction film with the Rice University physics professor. "First, he spends 20 minutes telling me how bugs could never get that big because of the way they breathe," said Buck, 28. "Then he goes off on how faster-than-light-speed travel isn't physically possible." Buck said the evening was even less enjoyable than the time they watched Back To The Future together.
Mommy Having Sleepover #~# GALESBURG, IL—Five days after Daddy's disappearance, Mommy hosted "Uncle" Rick at a sleepover, 5-year-old Hannah Dalton reported Monday. "They drank a lot of that special soda for grownups, and they watched movies," Hannah said. "And later, they must have told ghost stories, because I heard them both moaning and screaming." The morning after the sleepover, a departing Rick permitted Hannah to eat as much Count Chocula as she wanted, as long as she did not wake Mommy.
Why Must The Media Call My Ritual Killings 'Senseless'? #~# Ever since the sixth grade, when Danielle Mattson called the chicken-bone-and-dead-fly sculpture I made for art class "disgusting," I've not been one to take criticism well. I'm not saying I'm above reproach. I just think that if someone is going to find fault with one's work, his or her critique should come from a well-informed, knowledgeable place. 
Yankees Ensure 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball #~# NEW YORK—With a week to go before pitchers and catchers report for spring training, the New York Yankees shored up their pitching, hitting, and defense Monday by signing every player in professional baseball. 
North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles #~# BISMARCK, ND—The stage was set for another international showdown Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a large stockpile of nuclear missiles. 
France And Germany Say No #~# At a recent NATO meeting, France and Germany expressed reluctance to lend military support to the U.S. if it invades Iraq. What do you think?
AOL Time Warner's $99 Billion Loss #~# AOL Time Warner lost $99 billion in 2002—the largest one-year loss in U.S. corporate history. What are its plans for recovery?
Surinamese Man Struggling To Write The Great Surinamese Novel #~# BROKOPONDO, SURINAME—Aspiring author Nikklis Doekhie said Monday that he continues in his struggle to write the Great Surinamese Novel. "I want this book to capture the essence of the Surinamese experience," Doekhie said. "Dési, the wide-eyed protagonist, quits his job in a bauxite mine to hitchhike from Paramaribo to Alalapadu, searching for his piece of the Surinamese Dream." Doekhie said he hopes to pitch the book to Suriname's publishing house this fall.
Nation's Love Affair With Lord Of The Rings Threatening Its Relationship With Star Wars #~# LOS ANGELES—America’s love affair with the J.R.R. Tolkien epic-fantasy saga Lord Of The Rings, a romance which has flowered ever since the 2001 release of the Fellowship Of The Ring film adaptation, has damaged the nation’s long-term relationship with George Lucas’ Star Wars saga, perhaps irreparably. 
Drinking In Quarries Down 37 Percent, Small-Town Sheriffs Report #~# WOODWARD, OK—U.S. teens are "getting wasted" down at the local quarry 37 percent less than in years past, according to the small-town sheriffs who closely monitor their activities.
Business Card Confirms Real-Estate Salesman Is Eddie Money #~# STOCKTON, CA—The suspicions of house hunters Paul and Gail Barnett were confirmed Tuesday when a business card revealed that the Century 21 agent showing them a two-bedroom split-level ranch was indeed rocker Eddie Money. "He looked just like the guy who sang 'Two Tickets To Paradise,' but I figured it must just be somebody who resembles him," Gail said. "But then, right there on the card, it said 'Edward Money.'" Gail praised Money for his thoroughness and professionalism.
Kidnapped Hilton Sisters Appalled By Captor's Basement #~# NEW YORK—According to Monday's New York Post, hotel heiresses Paris and Nicky Hilton are aghast over the condition of the basement of their kidnapper, William Henry Buntz. "My sources tell me that Paris and Nicky are bound-and-gagging over the less-than-tony trappings," Post Page Six gossip columnist Richard Johnson wrote. "Sources say their crazed captor has creeping crud and crawling centipedes in his cellar… and it's got the spoiled socialites in a snit!" As of press time, police have made no attempt to locate the sisters.
Prescription-Drug Safety #~# When taking prescription drugs, it is vital to be fully informed about proper usage. Here are some helpful hints to ensure your safety: 
You And Me And Baby Minus Me Makes Two #~# Honey, a miracle has happened—you've got a bun in the oven. How wonderful! Before long, this family is going to be bigger by none. After all, you and me and baby minus me makes two. 
Maxim Reader Eager To Put Newly Acquired Knowledge Of Women To Use #~# MANASSAS, VA–Maxim subscriber Kevin Blynn, 23, looks forward to putting into practical use the advice and information about women he has gleaned from the popular men's lifestyle magazine, sources reported Tuesday. 
Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle #~# IRAQ-KUWAIT BORDER—As the U.S. Army's 3rd Infantry Division began its ground assault on Iraq Monday, President Bush marched alongside the front-line soldiers, bravely putting his own life on the line for his country by personally participating in the attack. 
Media Coverage Of The War #~# Across the nation, citizens are glued to their TV sets for war coverage. What do you think of the job the media are doing? 
New Military Technology #~# Military technology has eveolved tremendously since the 1991 Gulf War.  What new equipment is debuting in the current conflict?
Local Mom Whips Up Some Of Her Famous War Pie #~# TIPTON, IA—With the invasion of Iraq underway, Janet Sensenbrenner, 54, a Tipton homemaker and mother of three, responded Tuesday by whipping up some of her famous war pie.
Sheryl Crow Unsuccessful; War On Iraq Begins #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In spite of recording artist Sheryl Crow's strong protestations, including the wearing of a "No War" guitar strap, the U.S. went to war with Iraq last week. "Making the decision to go to war is never easy, but it's that much harder when you know Sheryl Crow disapproves," White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said at a press conference Monday. "It is this administration's sincerest hope that it can one day regain the support and trust of the woman behind such hits as 'All I Wanna Do' and 'Soak Up The Sun.'" Fleischer issued similar apologies to Martin Sheen, Janeane Garofalo, and Nelly.
Dead Iraqi Would Have Loved Democracy #~# BAGHDAD, IRAQ—Baghdad resident Taha Sabri, killed Monday in a U.S. air strike on his city, would have loved the eventual liberation of Iraq and establishment of democracy, had he lived to see it, his grieving widow said.
Vital Info On Iraqi Chemical Weapons Provided By U.S. Company That Made Them #~# BALTIMORE—The Pentagon has obtained vital information on Iraqi chemical weapons from Alcolac International, the Baltimore-based company that sold them to the Mideast nation in the '80s. "It's terrifying what Iraq has," Pentagon spokesman James Reese said Monday. "Saddam possesses massive stockpiles of everything from ethylene to thiodiglycol, according to sales records provided by Alcolac." The Pentagon has also been collecting key intelligence on Iraqi nuclear weapons and guidance systems from Honeywell, Unisys, and other former U.S. suppliers to Iraq.
Casual Sex Surprisingly Formal #~# DAYTONA BEACH, FL—After several hours of drunken Spring Break revelry Monday, Ron Viselic, 19, and Becky Pell, 18, returned to Pell's motel room for surprisingly formal casual sex. "We were laughing and doing body shots at the bar, but when we got back to my room, things turned all businesslike," Pell said. "He kept asking me if it was okay to take off each piece of clothing, then he wouldn't do anything but missionary." Following the methodical, strangely businesslike intercourse, Viselic and Pell spent five minutes "spooning" before Viselic dressed and left.
U.S. Continues Proud Tradition Of Diversity On Front Lines #~# CAMP COYOTE, KUWAIT—With blacks and Hispanics comprising more than 60 percent of the Army's ground forces in Iraq, the U.S. military is continuing its long, proud tradition of multiculturalism on the front lines of war. "Though racism and discrimination remain problems in society at large, in the military—especially in the lower ranks where you find the cannon fodder—a spirit of inclusiveness has prevailed for decades," Gen. Jim White said Monday. "When it comes to having your head blown off by enemy fire, America is truly colorblind."
This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won’t #~# George W. Bush may think that a war against Iraq is the solution to our problems, but the reality is, it will only serve to create far more.
U.S. Forms Own U.N. #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Frustrated with the United Nations' "consistent, blatant regard for the will of its 188 member nations," the U.S. announced Monday the formation of its own international governing body, the U.S.U.N.
Robin Williams Leaves Entertainment Reporter In Stitches #~# LOS ANGELES—Comic wildman Robin Williams left Entertainment Tonight reporter Maria Menounos in stitches Monday, cracking her up with a manic, off-the-cuff comedic riff covering everything from Survivor to Botox. 
Abusive Husband Was Himself Abuser As Child #~# JACKSON, MS—Psychiatric evaluations of wifebeater Jimmy Pellett, 33, indicate that he himself was abusive as a child, doctors reported Tuesday. "Since the age of 3, Mr. Pellett has been the perpetrator of countless acts of violence against his parents, siblings, and other neighborhood children," Dr. William Traschel said. "Sadly, the beatings and emotional terror he inflicted as a child led him to more beatings as an adult. Just another textbook case of the abuser growing up to be the abuser."
'Watermelon Capital Of World' Claim Goes Unchallenged #~# CORDELE, GA—For the 15th year in a row, Cordele has retained the title of "Watermelon Capital of the World"—despite a clear lack of evidence that its melons are the biggest, best, or most abundant. "We really expected Knox City, TX, to step up to the plate this year and give us a run for our money," said Mona Simmons, president of the Cordele-Crisp Chamber of Commerce. "Thankfully, they seem content just being the Seedless Watermelon Capital of the World." 
Bush Orders Iraq To Disarm Before Start Of War #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Maintaining his hardline stance against Saddam Hussein, President Bush ordered Iraq to fully dismantle its military before the U.S. begins its invasion next week. "U.S. intelligence confirms that, even as we speak, Saddam is preparing tanks and guns and other weapons of deadly force for use in our upcoming war against him," Bush said Sunday during his weekly radio address. "This madman has every intention of firing back at our troops when we attack his country." Bush warned the Iraqi dictator to "lay down [his] weapons and enter battle unarmed, or suffer the consequences." 
White House Pretty Sure Uzbekistan Diplomat Stole A Bunch Of Soap #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Following a weekend visit by Otkir Halilov, Uzbekistan's Minister of Foreign Affairs, White House officials are "90 percent sure" that the visitor made off with a bunch of soap and other assorted sundries. "I don't want to start an international incident, but I'm pretty sure Otkir swiped four or five bars from one of the upstairs bathrooms," said White House chief of staff Andrew Card at a press conference Monday. "Either he wanted a souvenir or they just can't get that kind of stuff back home." Also missing were an embroidered towel, a box of Kleenex, and two miniature cans of Edge shaving gel. 
Life After Saddam #~#  With war imminent, President Bush and others are already discussing plans for a post-Saddam, U.S.-occupied Iraq. What do you think? 
Man Offered Cocaine By Guy He Met At Urinal 90 Seconds Ago #~# NEW YORK—A minute and a half after using a urinal at the Manhattan hotspot Bungalow 8 Monday, Gerard Bouchard, 25, was offered cocaine by the stranger voiding his bladder next to him. "As I'm leaving the restroom, the sweat-soaked guy I was pissing next to says, 'Sure is crowded, but, hey, lots of hot chicks and you can't go wrong with that, right? Want a bump?'" Bouchard said. "I guess I didn't realize that taking your penis out near someone makes them your good friend." Bouchard declined the man's generous offer, bypassing a chance to strengthen their urinating-in-close-proximity bond. 
Adulthood Spent Satisfying Childhood Desires #~# CANTON, OH—Jeffrey Riesman, 29, an account manager at Tri-Trust Insurance, has spent the last 10 years satisfying desires not sufficiently fulfilled during childhood, sources reported Tuesday. 
The DMV Can Suck My Left Nut #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been ass over elbows in problems. First off, I'm finally getting over some kind of flu-type thing. I don't know exactly what I had, and I don't suppose it would matter much if I did. All I can tell you is that it made my crap reek worse than roadkill, and I didn't even want to drink beer. 
Congress Accidentally Approves Arts Funding #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A red-faced Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) admitted Monday that, as part of last week's $397 billion spending bill, Congress accidentally allocated $121 million to the National Endowment for the Arts. 
Love Me, Love My Violent Alcoholic Rages #~# Hey, I know I can get a bit out of hand sometimes, but nobody's perfect. Sure, every now and again, I'll have a beer or twelve down at the bar, then head over to Sheila's place and smack her around some before the cops drag me kicking and screaming to the drunk tank. Maybe it's not the greatest habit in the world, but everybody's got their good and bad qualities, right? Love me, love my violent alcoholic rages. 
Ted Turner Sends Self Back In Time To Prevent AOL Time Warner Merger #~# ATLANTA—According to a videotaped message airing exclusively on CNN, media mogul Ted Turner has sent himself back in time to January 2000 to avert the catastrophic merger of America Online and Time Warner. 
Museum-Appreciation Tips #~# Museum-going can be an enjoyable and enriching experience. Here are some tips for getting the most out of your next visit: 
Oscar Gift Bags #~# Each year, Academy Awards attendees take home a coveted gift bag. Among the items  to be included this year:
Undercover Cop Never Knew Selling Drugs Was Such Hard Work #~# PHILADELPHIA—Rick Bastone, 31, an officer with Philadelphia's 23rd Precinct, has gained newfound respect for America's hard-working drug dealers ever since going undercover to sell narcotics. 
White History Year Resumes #~# WASHINGTON, DC—With Black History Month over, U.S. citizens are putting aside thoughts of Harriet Tubman and George Washington Carver to resume the traditional observation of White History Year. 
Moral Tacked Onto End Of Man's Life #~# NORTH PLATTE, NE—Immediately following his death Tuesday, a moral was hastily tacked onto the life of North Platte resident Roy Brooks. "As Roy's life plainly illustrated, you'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," said Rev. Paul Winters, speaking from Brooks' death bed at St. Augustus Memorial Hospital. "If there's anything this man taught us, it is surely that." Responding to the statement, Brooks' loved ones agreed that they had learned a valuable lesson.
U.S. Capitol Cleaning Turns Up Long-Lost Constitution #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Lost for nearly two years, the U.S. Constitution was found Tuesday behind a couch in the Governor's Reception Room. "Wow, I forgot all about that thing," said U.S. Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT), who found the historic document while vacuuming. "Nobody knew what happened to it. Guess it must've fallen back there during a meeting." After making the find, Dodd spent several minutes rereading some of his favorite old amendments.
Rich First-Grader Buys Whole Sheet Of Gold Stars #~# BREMERTON, WA—Lakeside Elementary first-grader Max Carr, son of Boeing CEO Robert Carr, used a small portion of his $100 weekly allowance Monday to buy himself a sheet of the gold stars used to reward academic achievement. "I don't get why all the kids work so hard to get good grades just for a sticker," Carr said. "I only got a C-minus on my phonics homework, but Mommy took me to the mall, and now I have 10 gold stars—more than anybody in the whole class." Carr said his "dumb classmates have no idea" that students can simply purchase a sheet of "Great Job!" Mickey Mouse stickers at a store.
After 10 Months Of Bitter Struggle, Downstairs Neighbor Masters 'Jumpin' Jack Flash' #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—After 10 months of bitter, around-the-clock struggle, pizza-delivery driver and aspiring guitarist Darren Lowell, 23, has finally mastered The Rolling Stones' "Jumpin' Jack Flash," his upstairs neighbor reported Tuesday. "I'm glad he finally nailed it," neighbor Jeremy Quinlan said. "From what I could hear through my living-room floor these past 10 months, he was really locked in an epic battle with that elusive 'dunh-dunh, da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da' riff. It was truly like Ahab and the whale." Next week, Lowell is slated to embark on his next ambitious project, Van Halen's "Eruption," which is scheduled for completion in the spring of 2004.
Movie Marketed As Six Different Genres #~# NEW YORK—Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, the Miramax film based on the memoirs of Gong Show creator Chuck Barris, is being marketed as six different genres, sources reported Tuesday. "So far, I've seen TV ads making it look like a romantic comedy, a spy thriller, a Hollywood satire, a straightforward biopic, and a strange, Being John Malkovich-esque mind-bender," said Daniel Taubman, 24, of Chapel Hill, NC. "I heard there's also one that makes it look like a chick flick, playing up the whole Drew Barrymore/Julia Roberts angle, but I haven't seen it. It probably runs on Lifetime or Oxygen or something."
Why Can't We Live In Enlightened Topless Europe? #~# I realize that speaking out in favor of Europe is not a wise thing to do these days, but I must give credit where credit is due. My tour of Europe last summer opened my eyes to a rich culture where people place a premium on conversations about philosophy and ideas rather than last night's episode of Friends. Food is prepared and savored, not popped in the microwave and inhaled. And women are free to expose their breasts, not forced to hide them behind layers of constricting fabric. Why, oh, why, can't we live in enlightened topless Europe? 
The Great White Tragedy #~# Some are calling for criminal charges to be filed against the band Great White for its role in the deadly Feb. 20 pyrotechnics fire in Rhode Island. What do you think?
Alaska-Yukon Moose Dimly Aware Of Drew Barrymore's Career Path #~# YUKON TERRITORY—In an impressive display of the star's reach, a team of University of Calgary zoologists announced Monday the discovery of an Alaska-Yukon moose with a "faint but definite" awareness of the career arc of Drew Barrymore. 
Bush Offers Taxpayers Another $300 If We Go To War #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Amid growing anti-war protests and polls indicating eroding public support for an invasion of Iraq, President Bush is offering U.S. taxpayers a rebate in the amount of $300 if we go to war. 
Would You Care To Join Me For An Unbelievably Awkward Dinner Sometime? #~# Hey, Julie, it's Mike Toomey. You remember me, right? We met at Kevin's party last weekend. That was some party, wasn't it? I had a really great time. And it was definitely cool talking to you. Anyway, I know this may seem a little out of the blue, but I was wondering if maybe you'd be interested in joining me for an unbelievably awkward dinner sometime.
Hollywood Vs. The War #~# From Sean Penn to Sheryl Crow, celebrities have been prominent in the anti-war movement. How have stars registered their opposition?
Chimp Study On Human-Evasion Response To Feces-Hurling Nearly Complete #~# MADISON, WI—Chimpanzees at the University of Wisconsin's Primate Laboratory are nearing completion of a two-year study on human-evasion response to hurled feces, sources reported Tuesday. "Our research shows that Homo sapiens experience extreme agitation and an urge to flee when pelted with baseball-sized lumps of primate scat," said Dr. Jingles, speaking from his research cage. "In 10 out of 10 cases, our test subjects retreated to the far corner of the room and screamed, 'Stop! Stop! AIIIIGH!'" Dr. Jingles first made his mark in science in 1993, when he earned a Nobel Prize for conclusively proving the deliciousness of bananas.
Horse-Race Announcer Clearly Had Money on 'Little Dancer' #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Judging by his call of Tuesday's third race at Churchill Downs, thoroughbred-race announcer Pat Ellis clearly had money on Little Dancer. "In the rear, trailing by 11 lengths, it's Little Dancer," said Ellis over Churchill Downs' public-address system. "Little Dancer not responding to the fast track like a lot of people insisted she would." Calling the race's exciting photo-finish between Indian Express and Kingston Kid, Ellis said: "And down the stretch they come! Indian Express and Kingston Kid neck and neck! Goddammit."
Family Embarrassed By Way Son Died #~# SAN ANGELO, TX—The parents and siblings of Cris Aulter, 25, expressed deep shame and embarrassment Tuesday over his accidental death from autoerotic asphyxiation. "I cannot express how deeply mortified I am," said John Aulter, 52, the boy's father. "I mean, where in the world did Cris get the idea to suffocate himself while jerking off? How will I ever show my face around the office again?" Aulter said he plans to tell friends and coworkers that his son was hit by a car.
Restaurant Patron Seeking Corroboration That Soda Is Not Diet #~# WAYLAND, NY—While eating lunch at the Back Porch Cafe Monday, a suspicious Diane Rollo, 43, sought confirmation from her lunch companions that the beverage in her glass was regular Coke and not diet. "Does this taste like diet to you?" asked Rollo, who ordered a Diet Coke, before handing the drink to Liz Lauderdorf. "This tastes like regular to me." After passing the drink to two other people at the table for sampling, Rollo said she was "70 percent sure" the soda was regular and sent it back.
Cooking Tips #~# Becoming a great cook is easier than you might think. 
I've Got To Stop Taking Lives So Seriously #~# I like to think of myself as a pretty happy person, but sometimes I'm a little too hard on myself. It's only natural to want to do the best job you can, but often, I'll get so caught up in the moment that I forget that slaughtering innocent people is supposed to be fun. I really need to stop taking lives so seriously. 
An Open Letter To Those Of You Who Blew Off My Arbor Day Party #~# Dear "Friend," 
The New York City Budget Crisis #~# With a deficit o $3.8 billion, New York is facing its worst fiscal crisis in three decades. How is Mayor Bloomberg making up for the shortfall?
The Dixie Chicks Controversy #~# The members of Dixie Chicks have been the focus of boycotts ever since saying they are ashamed to hail from the same state as President Bush. What do you think?
Recovering Alcoholic Clearly Kind Of Proud Of Once Being An Alcoholic #~# BURNSVILLE, MN—Recovering alcoholic Tim Schwann, 33, still clearly takes a certain pride in his hard-drinking days, sources reported Monday. 
Ashcroft Rejected By Newly Created Bride Of Ashcroft #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Attorney General John Ashcroft's quest for a companion to ease the pain of his lonely and tormented existence was dealt a severe blow Monday, when he was rejected by the newly created "Bride Of Ashcroft." 
CIA: Syria Harboring More Than 15 Million Known Arabs #~# LANGLEY, VA—In an alarming report released Monday by the Central Intelligence Agency, Syria may be harboring upwards of 15 million known Arabs within its borders.
South Dakota Asked To Water North Dakota's Crops Over The Weekend #~# BISMARCK, ND—Seeking a neighborly favor Monday, North Dakota Gov. John Hoeven asked South Dakota to water his state's crops this upcoming weekend while he and the rest of North Dakota goes on vacation. "If you could just turn on the state's irrigation systems around noon every day for about an hour, that'd be great," Hoeven said. "Oh, and just grab the mail and the newspapers, too, if you don't mind." Hoeven also left South Dakota with the phone numbers of neighbor states Minnesota and Montana in the event of an emergency.
Band Teacher Gay In Retrospect #~# PINE BLUFF, AR—Pine Bluff Middle School band teacher Walter Moreland was "so clearly, obviously" gay in retrospect, former student Gary Dolan, 32, realized Monday.
Harsh Light Of Morning Falls On One-Night Stand's DVD Collection #~# MILWAUKEE, WI–The harsh light of morning fell on the terrible DVD collection of Marc Koenig Monday, when Traci Pearle discovered it upon waking up from their one-night stand. 
Christopher Hitchens Forcibly Removed From Trailer Park After Drunken Confrontation With Common-Law Wife #~# SPARTA, TN–Noted author, social critic, and political gadfly Christopher Hitchens was once again the focus of controversy Monday, when he was forcibly removed from Happy Trails trailer park following a drunken confrontation with Noreen Bodell, 39, his common-law wife of 14 years. 
Small-Town Residents Come Together For Arby's Raising #~# BUFORD, PA—Buford's 322 residents, as well as many citizens of surrounding towns, came together over the weekend for a good old-fashioned Arby's raising. "People came from as far away as Lancaster to pitch in," said local delivery-truck driver Jonathan Beckman, 44. "It was a real team effort: Me, Zachary Fordice, and Eli White poured the foundation while old Benjamin Wetzel built the prep-tables, and the womenfolk installed the booths' vinyl seat covers." Beckman said his wife Maryellen "can't wait" to whip up a fresh homemade batch of Arby's famous Horsey Sauce.
Catholic Child Told About Doggy Heaven, Doggy Hell #~# NORTHAMPTON, MA—Three days after burying his beloved labrador retriever, Daniel MacNeil, 9, was told about doggy heaven and hell by his fourth-grade teacher, Sister Doris Behnke. "Don't cry, Daniel. I'm sure Shiner was a very good doggy," Behnke told the mourning child Tuesday. "He's probably in Doggy Heaven right now, running through its big green fields and chasing squirrels. Only disobedient doggies who chew on the furniture or lift their legs on the carpet will burn in the eternal, white-hot kennel fires of Doggy Hell." 
Woman Mentions Participation In Cancer Walk To Cancer Patient #~# DENVER—Trying to show empathy, Marilyn Rossum, 42, informed coworker and recently diagnosed breast-cancer patient Georgia Anderson, 40, that she participated in a breast-cancer walk-a-thon in 2001. "Oh, Georgia, I'm so sorry," Rossum told Anderson upon hearing the news Monday. "A few years back, I did the Avon Walk For Breast Cancer, and there were so many brave women like you who were afflicted or survivors, and it was just so moving." Rossum added that her efforts raised nearly $80 for breast-cancer research.
Tortured Ugandan Political Prisoner Wishes Uganda Had Oil #~# KAMPALA, UGANDA—A day after having his hands amputated by soldiers backing President Yoweri Museveni's brutal regime, Ugandan political prisoner Otobo Ankole expressed regret Monday over Uganda's lack of oil reserves. "I dream of the U.S. one day fighting for the liberation of the oppressed Ugandan people," said Ankole as he nursed his bloody stumps. "But, alas, our number-one natural resource is sugar cane." Ankole, whose wife, parents, and five children were among the 4,000 slaughtered in Uganda's ethnic killings of 2002, then bowed his head and said a prayer for petroleum.
Is Syria Next? #~# Tensions are rising between the U.S. and Syria, which the Bush Administration has warned against harboring fugitive Saddam loyalists. What do you think?
That Rob's Got Some Seriously Strong Shit #~# Hola, amigos. What's up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I got my irons in a shitload of fires these days. I got this new job running people from the airport to a car-rental place in a little bus. I know it ain't the coolest job in the world, but it keeps my cruising skills sharp, plus I get three weeks' vacation and some insurance. I never thought I'd be one of those old fogies who cared about insurance, but there it is. Don't think I can't still rock, though. 
Uday's Pleasure Palace #~# Last Week, U.S. soldiers toured the remains of Uday Hussein's home, uncovering a lavish palace of sex ands drugs. Among the niceties enjoyed by Saddam's son:
U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter #~# WASHINGTON, DC–In an official statement Monday, a spokesman for the American Dental Association announced that it cannot make the teeth of the nation's citizens any goddamn whiter. 
I Want The Pictures Of My Partial-Birth Abortion Back #~# Help! I can hardly walk down the street these days without running into some pro-life protester waving a picture of my partial-birth abortion! I never wanted those photos to get out in the first place, but now that Congress is considering a ban on late-term abortions, it's only getting worse. Petitions, billboards on the interstate, leaflets—those photos of that bloody little fetus all hacked apart on a surgical steel table are everywhere. Listen up, Right-To-Lifers: I want the pictures of my partial-birth abortion back! 
New Fox Reality Show To Determine Ruler Of Iraq #~# LOS ANGELES–Fox executives Monday unveiled their latest reality-TV venture, Appointed By America, a new series in which contestants vie for the top spot in Iraq's post-war government.
Dysfunctional Singles Find Each Other #~# BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI—After nearly 10 years of searching, clingy, neurotic Ryan Dollett, 31, has finally found his soulmate in passive-aggressive, emotionally distant Amy Sunderland, 28, sources reported Monday. "I want to be with Amy every single second, I just love her so much," Dollett said. "She has so many amazing qualities, but I think the best is the way she never challenges me." Said Sunderland: "Ryan is quite the catch. I'm sure once we're married, I'll grow to love everything about him, even the terrible way he dresses."
Fisherman's 4-Year-Old Son Liberates Bait #~# INTERNATIONAL FALLS, MN—During a fishing trip Monday, Jason Jorgensen, the 4-year-old son of International Falls fisherman Bill Jorgensen, liberated an entire styrofoam container of nightcrawlers, throwing the bait into Rainy Lake. "Run, wormies, run!" said Jorgensen as he gave the former bait its first-ever taste of sweet freedom. "Swim home now!" Informed of the bold act, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals president Ingrid Newkirk praised Jason for releasing the worms from his father's "cruel yoke of tyranny."
Opening Band Issues Two-More-Songs Warning #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In an announcement that met with sarcastic cheers, Nate Pilson, lead singer of opening act Dickbasket, issued a two-more-songs warning to a crowd waiting to see headline act The Colecovisions. "This next one's gonna be our next-to-last song," said Pilson, 25, prompting widespread stretching and watch-checking among the Bimbo's 365 Club crowd. "It's from our upcoming EP. Hope you like it." Pilson then energetically launched into the song, trying not to notice the throngs of concertgoers streaming toward the bar or resuming the conversations they were having before the warning.
Clinton Emotionally Ready To Start Getting Blow Jobs Again #~# NEW YORK—Five years after the Monica Lewinsky scandal, former president Bill Clinton announced Tuesday that, at long last, he is emotionally ready to start receiving blow jobs again. "It has been a long, difficult road, but I am finally at a point in my life where I can receive oral sex from a woman again," Clinton told reporters. "After many years of soul-searching and intensive therapy, I am now able to enjoy getting blown without all that painful emotional baggage overshadowing what should be a wonderful experience."
Area Man No Longer Playing Up Resemblance To Kevin Spacey #~# FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Put off by such films as The Life Of David Gale, The Shipping News, and K-PAX, local insurance salesman Brian Vandervelt, 37, is no longer playing up his resemblance to Academy Award-winning actor Kevin Spacey. "From the time of Glengarry Glen Ross up through American Beauty, I was loving all the Spacey comparisons," Vandervelt told reporters Tuesday. "But after four years of smug, self-righteous crap like Pay It Forward, it's a different story." Until Spacey stops playing repellently soulful saviors of humanity, Vandervelt said he will play up his resemblance to a young Bob Newhart.
45 More Legislators Lose Jobs To Increased Congressional Automation #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Continuing a trend that began in the Senate last November, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) announced Monday that 45 members of the House of Representatives would be laid off and replaced by cost-efficient heavy legislating machinery. 
If I Could Do It All Over Again, I'd Omit The Hard Work #~# When you get to reach a certain age, you start to take stock of your life. On the whole, I'm pretty happy with the way things have turned out for me. I've got a fantastic wife, two wonderful children, and a successful landscaping business. Yep, all in all, I'd say I've had it pretty good. 
New Children's Book Helps Kids Deal With Pain And Isolation Of Plastic Surgery #~# MIAMI—As a pediatric plastic surgeon, Dr. Jessica Krieg changes little faces and lives for the better. Yet for all the good she does, she is all too aware that rhinoplasty and liposuction can be difficult, scary experiences for a child. With her new book, Norah's New Nose, she hopes to change all that. 
Saddam Proud He Still Killed More Iraqi Civilians Than U.S. #~# BAGHDAD, IRAQ—Reflecting on his time as Iraq's president in a pre-taped television address, Saddam Hussein expressed pride Tuesday that, despite the success of the U.S. invasion and the civilian casualties it has inflicted, he still has killed far more Iraqis than President Bush. 
Guy Eats Own Weight In Combos Over Three-Month Period #~# CULLMAN, AL—In the past three months, John "Jenko" Quigley, 26, has casually consumed 276 pounds of pepperoni-pizza-flavored Combos snacks, an amount equal to his own body weight. "Actually, Jenko weighs almost 300 pounds now, but he was 276 when he started around New Year's Day," friend Darrell Nenn said Monday. "Guess all those bite-sized pretzels with cheese-flavored filling can really pork a guy out." Quigley said he began eating the popular snack food to curb his appetite between meals, but continued long after his hunger was cheesed away.
Are All Women Nutso, Or Just The Ones I Cheat On My Wife With? #~# What is it with women these days? I'm seriously at the end of my rope. I mean, you treat a woman to dinner at a fancy restaurant three towns over, and by the end of the night, she's either telling you you're the greatest thing ever or she's dumping a bouquet of flowers over your head. And as for which response you get, well, that's anybody's guess. So tell me, are all women nuts, or just the ones I cheat on my wife with?
Area Man Supports The Troops He Didn't Go To High School With #~# KIRKSVILLE, MO—Jon Strauss, 22, a Kirksville video-store manager, announced Monday that he supports U.S. troops "100 percent"—with the exception of the ones with whom he went to high school.
The Search For WMD #~# U.S. military personnel continue to search Iraq for weapons of mass destruction. What have they found?
The SARS Epidemic #~# Many Americans are worried about the spread of SARS, the mysterious, deadly respiratory illness sweeping China and Hong Kong. What do you think?
Bush Subconsciously Sizes Up Spain For Invasion #~# WASHINGTON, DC–During a White House meeting with visiting Spanish prime minister and fellow allied-forces leader Jose Maria Aznar, President Bush subconsciously sized up Spain for invasion Monday. 
Suburban Home Haunted By Really Boring Ghosts #~# GURNEE, IL–On the surface, the home of John and Beth Secora looks just like any other suburban residence. But this seemingly ordinary dwelling harbors a secret: It is haunted by two incredibly boring ghosts. 
Man Not Sure What To Do About Vet's Request For Dog-Urine Sample #~# MISSOULA, MT–Dog owner Darryl Burkhard, 36, said Tuesday that he is unsure how to fulfill his veterinarian's orders to extract a urine sample from ailing cocker spaniel Sneakers. "The vet just casually asked me to bring in a sample, like I'd automatically know how to do that," Burkhard said. "Do I take Sneakers for a walk and then stick a cup under him at just the right moment? Or do I, like, fasten a cup to his genitals with a belt and wait for him to eventually go? Either way, I'm probably looking at some sort of really unpleasant dog-piss-related situation."
Girl From Coffee Shop Seen At Bar With Guy From Record Store #~# OLYMPIA, WA–Marissa Quirk, 21, that girl from the coffee shop, was spotted Monday at McCoy's Tavern with Greg Clarke, 23, the good-looking hipster guy from the record store. "I go into Crazee Espresso and Rainy Day Records a lot, so when I saw them at McCoy's together, I was like, 'It figures they know each other,'" said Dan Duckett, 22, who has long harbored a crush on Quirk. "It reminded me of that time I saw the guy from the vintage-clothing store with the cute girl who always announces the bands in the student union."
Side Effects Sound Awesome #~# SAN JOSE, CA–Watching a TV commercial for the prescription allergy medication Nasonol, local resident Troy Henderson, 23, remarked Tuesday that the drug's possible side effects "sound awesome." "Dizziness, drowsiness, excitability, loss of motor function, irregular heartbeat, tingling sensations in the chest and sinuses–man, Nasonol's got it all," Henderson said. "I gotta score some of that." Henderson, who does not suffer from any allergies, said he plans to call his pollen-allergic friend Steve to "hook me up."
Office Manager Still Undecided About Sharpie Redesign #~# HARTFORD, CT–Four days after the arrival of a shipment of office supplies from Staples, P&K Insurance office manager Patty Hildebrandt, 41, remains ambivalent about Sharpie's new "Twin-Tip" double-ended permanent marker. "Putting a fine tip and a broad tip on the same pen is very convenient, not to mention cost-effective," Hildebrandt said Tuesday. "Still, neither of the twin tips really works as well as a single-ended marker, probably because they're sharing the same ink." Hildebrandt recently took a strong stand against 3M's accordion-style Post-It notes, calling them "an abomination."
Dow Up 300 After Deaths Of 400 #~# NEW YORK—Buoyed by positive news from the war front, the Dow Jones Industrial Average soared more than 300 points Monday after the killing of more than 400 Republican Guard soldiers near the northern Iraqi town of Mosul. "These deaths have really boosted investor optimism and confidence," New York Stock Exchange chairman Dick Grasso said. "Before this, we'd tried lowering interest rates, lowering taxes, and all sorts of other things to jump-start the market, but nothing worked. Lowering the population of Iraq finally seems to be doing the trick."
Don't Come Crying To Me When You Need Someone Who Speaks Elvish #~# Really, Steven. Of all people, I expected more from you. 
Wall Street And The War #~# In spite of widespread predictions that the war would cure Wall Street's ills, the stock market has been unpredictable since the invasion of Iraq began. What do you think?
137 More Oil Wells Liberated For Democracy #~# RUMAILAH OIL FIELDS, IRAQ–The U.S. continued to make progress in its fight against totalitarianism Tuesday, when 137 more oil wells were liberated for democracy. 
Jean Sings Of Chocolate And Cat Calendars At War #~# Back when I worked at the Fashion Bug, I'd sometimes read the daily paper they had in the break room. So, ever since getting laid off, I've kind of fallen behind on current events. Actually, that's not quite true. I do have a new source of news: Hubby Rick's T-shirts! And when he started wearing his "Sodamn Insane" and "Whaq Iraq" T-shirts about a month ago, I knew war with Iraq was inevitable. 
Mean Scientists Dash Hopes Of Life On Mars #~# PASADENA, CA–A team of cold-hearted, killjoy scientists at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory callously announced Monday that the likelihood of complex life on Mars is "extraordinarily low," dashing the hopes of the public just like that.
Spring-Cleaning Tips #~# Winter is finally gone, and that means it's time for spring cleaning. Here are some tips to help you get your home spic-and-span:
Geraldo Gets The Boot #~# Last week, the Pentagon ordered Fox News to pull Geraldo Rivera from Iraq after the reporter divulged U.S. troop positions during a broadcast. Among Rivera's other misdeeds:
Government No Longer Even Bothering To Hide Halliburton Favors #~# WASHINGTON, DC—With last week's announcement that it will award Halliburton a lucrative contract to put out Iraqi oil-well fires after the war, the U.S. government has officially stopped trying to hide its favoritism toward the Houston-based company. "When we first started cutting Halliburton sweetheart deals, we'd worry about how it would look, with Dick Cheney being their former CEO and all," White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said. "Somewhere along the line, though, we just kind of said, 'Ah, fuck it.'" Fleischer added that Halliburton has something "real juicy" coming its way when the U.S. invades Iran in July 2004.
Second-Grade Class Has No Questions For Visiting Local Historian #~# KENOSHA, WI—Roberta Litt's second-graders at LaFollette Elementary School failed to come up with a single question for visiting local historian Elmer Rasmussen Tuesday. "Come on, folks," said Litt, scolding her class. "Mr. Rasmussen was nice enough to come all the way down here today to tell us about immigrant-farmstead life in the 19th century. I find it hard to believe that not one of you has a question." Following an uncomfortable two minutes of silence, Litt ordered the children to put their heads down on their desks for the remainder of the period.
I've Got Oscar (And War) Fever! #~# Item! There's only one story on the minds of people across this great nation right now: the 75th anniversary Academy Awards. And Jackie Harvey was right there in the front row… of his living room! I know there are people out there who say there are more important things to worry about in these troubled times. Well, what better way to forget your troubles than with a fabulous awards ceremony? 
Soup-Kitchen Volunteers Hate College-Application-Padding Brat #~# SEATTLE—Volunteers at the Pike Street Salvation Army have grown to hate college-application padder Justin Malveaux, 17, sources reported Monday. 
Celine In Las Vegas #~# Celine Dion recently began a three-year, $100 million engagement at Caesars Colosseum, a theater built specifically for her. 
Former Employee Disappointed By Return-Visit Reception #~# WILKES-BARRE, PA—Len Neuwirth, a marketing analyst with Penn Packaging Corporation from 2000 to 2002, expressed slight disappointment Monday over his failure to cause a stir among former coworkers during his return visit. 
Dolphins And The Military #~# In a move that has outraged many animal-rights activists, the U.S. Navy is using dolphins to find underwater mines in Iraqi harbors. What do you think?
Saddam Speech Suspiciously Mentions Nelly Song From Last Summer #~# LANGLEY, VA—The CIA announced Monday that it suspects Saddam Hussein's latest televised address was pre-recorded, pointing to its suspiciously dated reference to Nelly's "Hot In Herre," a rap hit from the summer of 2002. 
Bush Thought War Would Be Over By Now #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Following a 12th consecutive day of fighting, a puzzled and frustrated President Bush confided to military advisors Monday that he "really figured the war would be over by now." 
I Should Not Be Allowed To Say The Following Things About America #~# As Americans, we have a right to question our government and its actions. However, while there is a time to criticize, there is also a time to follow in complacent silence. And that time is now.
Blind Date Pronounces Every Syllable Of Word 'Comfortable' #~# INDIANAPOLIS—In what Melissa Mathis, 30, termed "a deal-breaker," blind date Jeff Rochlin, 33, pronounced every syllable of the word "comfortable" Tuesday. "We sat down at the table, and he said, 'This booth's really com-fort-a-ble,'" Mathis recalled. "Then, a little while later, he said something about the 'grilled veg-e-ta-bles.' I'm sorry, but there's no way I could date a guy like that."
Hellmann's Heir's Conduct Unbefitting A Mayonnaise Magnate #~# NEW YORK—Jake Hellmann, 19, whose rowdy nightclub exploits have made him a tabloid staple, has behaved in a manner unbefitting his stature as heir to the Hellmann's mayonnaise throne, family sources reported Tuesday. "When one is fortunate enough to the carry the name of America's most popular mayonnaise, one does not spend every night getting drunk and partying with models," said his great uncle Oliver Hellmann, 79. "Clearly, young Jake is not yet ready to accept the enormous responsibility that comes with being a mayo magnate."
Network News Satellites Collide Over Iraq #~# AN NASIRIYAH, IRAQ—In an accident air-and-space-traffic controllers called "inevitable," a CNN satellite collided with an MSNBC satellite over southern Iraq Monday. "Frankly, it's a miracle something like this didn't happen sooner," said Ian Graham of BBC One. "Right now, there are roughly 950 network news satellites crammed into a 125-cubic-mile area of space above Iraq, with more being launched every day." Less than an hour after the crash, an MTV News satellite grazed an Oxygen satellite, temporarily cutting off Oxygen News reporter Lisa Hood's live report on a firefight between U.S. and Iraqi forces near Basra.
Prom-Planning Tips #~# Prom season is just around the corner. Here are some tips to help make your prom night unforgettable:
Condoleezza Rice's Lunch Missing #~# WASHINGTON, DC—National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice announced Tuesday that she is "extremely distressed" that her lunch is missing from the White House break-room refrigerator. "I'm not going to ask twice: Who ate my turkey-and-avocado sandwich?" Rice asked Cabinet members. "My name was written right on it—'C. Rice' in thick, red magic marker, so don't tell me it was an accident." Rice vowed that she will make whoever ate the sandwich buy her a whole new lunch. 
Candy Purchase Puts Yet More Money In Raisinets' Bloated Coffers #~# GLENDALE, CA—The already overflowing coffers of Nestlé subsidiary Raisinets were further fattened Monday, when Atlanta resident Jonathan Graber, 11, purchased a bag of the candy at a local convenience store. "Ah, very good… that's another 75 cents for us," said Raisinets president William Koenig, as he observed the Graber purchase on closed-circuit television at the company's Glendale headquarters. "With every bag of our delicious chocolate-covered raisin treats that they buy, we only grow more powerful." Koenig then opened a bag of Raisinets and tossed a handful into the air, laughing maniacally.
Candy Purchase Puts Yet More Money In Raisinets' Bloated Coffers #~# GLENDALE, CA—The already overflowing coffers of Nestlé subsidiary Raisinets were further fattened Monday, when Atlanta resident Jonathan Graber, 11, purchased a bag of the candy at a local convenience store. "Ah, very good… that's another 75 cents for us," said Raisinets president William Koenig, as he observed the Graber purchase on closed-circuit television at the company's Glendale headquarters. "With every bag of our delicious chocolate-covered raisin treats that they buy, we only grow more powerful." Koenig then opened a bag of Raisinets and tossed a handful into the air, laughing maniacally.
Magical Gallery Transforms Dull Objects Into Art #~# NEW YORK—A magical New York art gallery has the power to turn dull, everyday items into brilliant works of art, sources reported Monday. "Seth Clayton's devastating Untitled No. 7 captures the despair of urban ennui in a way that's post-ironic yet somehow pre-pomo," said David E. Sherry, owner of the David E. Sherry Gallery, while admiring a rusty bucket and tattered boot lying on the gallery floor. "Its eloquence is truly heartbreaking."
Magical Gallery Transforms Dull Objects Into Art #~# NEW YORK—A magical New York art gallery has the power to turn dull, everyday items into brilliant works of art, sources reported Monday. "Seth Clayton's devastating Untitled No. 7 captures the despair of urban ennui in a way that's post-ironic yet somehow pre-pomo," said David E. Sherry, owner of the David E. Sherry Gallery, while admiring a rusty bucket and tattered boot lying on the gallery floor. "Its eloquence is truly heartbreaking."
I Am Proud To Serve My Country Beer #~# Our country has witnessed its fair share of trials and tribulations lately. We have endured wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. We have lived under the near-constant threat of terrorist attack at home. Many young Americans have heard the call to serve and, stirred by love of country and a deep sense of patriotic duty, they have responded. Some have served in the Army, others in the Marines. As for myself, I have served Coors Light. 
It's Not Easy Being The Life Of The Orgy #~# Do you know me? Well, if you've been to an orgy in the greater Cincinnati area in the past 17 years, you've probably seen me (or at least part of me). My name is Hank Wetzel, and I am the king of the Cincinnati group-sex scene. You may have heard a story or two—and believe me, there are hundreds—about my legendary carnal exploits. Yet as renowned as I am, and as much fun as I've had, few people realize that it's not easy being the life of the orgy. 
Fire Safety And Prevention Tips #~# Knowing what to do in case of fire can be the difference between life and death. Here are some helpful fire safety and prevention tips: 
The Bush Tax-Cut Plan #~# President Bush is preparing to sign a $350 billion tax-cut package. What are some of the plans specifics?
Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian #~# ORLANDO, FL—Brad Rolen, the new bassist for Pillar Of Salt, remains oblivious to the fact that he is in a Christian rock band, sources reported Tuesday. 
Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian #~# ORLANDO, FL—Brad Rolen, the new bassist for Pillar Of Salt, remains oblivious to the fact that he is in a Christian rock band, sources reported Tuesday. 
Housekeeper Too Busy To Be Sassy #~# HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Much to the chagrin of the Whitford family, housekeeper Maria Ortega, 42, is too busy cleaning their mansion to deliver any sassy wisecracks. "It's such a pity, really," said head-of-the-household Judge John Whitford on Tuesday. "Maria spends so much time cooking meals, vacuuming and dusting our 40 rooms, washing the windows, doing the laundry, making the beds, and hauling out the trash, she never delights us with any snappy, smart-alecky rejoinders like that Florence on The Jeffersons." Whitford added that he can't understand why Ortega doesn't have time to come up with one-liners during her daily two-hour bus ride to work.
Housekeeper Too Busy To Be Sassy #~# HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Much to the chagrin of the Whitford family, housekeeper Maria Ortega, 42, is too busy cleaning their mansion to deliver any sassy wisecracks. "It's such a pity, really," said head-of-the-household Judge John Whitford on Tuesday. "Maria spends so much time cooking meals, vacuuming and dusting our 40 rooms, washing the windows, doing the laundry, making the beds, and hauling out the trash, she never delights us with any snappy, smart-alecky rejoinders like that Florence on The Jeffersons." Whitford added that he can't understand why Ortega doesn't have time to come up with one-liners during her daily two-hour bus ride to work.
The Spam Epidemic #~# Congress is exploring ways to combat the problem of "spam," the wave of junk e-mail that has clogged e-mail systems and cost U.S. businesses billions. What do you think?
Terrifying Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs #~# WASHINGTON, DC—With the nation safely distracted by the NBA playoffs, Congress passed the terrifying Citizenship Redefinition And Income-Based Relocation Act of 2003 with little opposition Monday. 
Terrifying Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs #~# WASHINGTON, DC—With the nation safely distracted by the NBA playoffs, Congress passed the terrifying Citizenship Redefinition And Income-Based Relocation Act of 2003 with little opposition Monday. 
World-Weary Garbage Man No Longer Shocked By Things People Throw Out #~# TULSA, OK—After years of being appalled by the perfectly good items discarded by Tulsa residents, garbage collector Matt Ciszek, 34, reported Monday that he is "no longer shocked by anything."
World-Weary Garbage Man No Longer Shocked By Things People Throw Out #~# TULSA, OK—After years of being appalled by the perfectly good items discarded by Tulsa residents, garbage collector Matt Ciszek, 34, reported Monday that he is "no longer shocked by anything."
Casino Has Great Night #~# ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—A beaming Donald Brant, general manager of Bally's Atlantic City, reported that the casino had "an unbelievable night" Monday, cleaning up at the blackjack table, on the slot machines, and elsewhere.
Wolf Pack Fails To Raise Orphaned Infant #~# GRAND MARAIS, MN—A pack of timberwolves failed to adopt and raise a human infant abandoned in Pat Bayle State Forest, local rangers reported Monday. "We found the baby starving and near-death in a part of the park with a substantial wolf population," ranger Warren Olafson said. "You'd think one of the wolves would lovingly pick up the child by the nape of the neck and bring it back to the woods to raise it like one of her own, but I guess it just didn't happen that way." Any parents missing an infant are advised to check near the cluster of downed maples midway up the eastern canoe portage.
Wolf Pack Fails To Raise Orphaned Infant #~# GRAND MARAIS, MN—A pack of timberwolves failed to adopt and raise a human infant abandoned in Pat Bayle State Forest, local rangers reported Monday. "We found the baby starving and near-death in a part of the park with a substantial wolf population," ranger Warren Olafson said. "You'd think one of the wolves would lovingly pick up the child by the nape of the neck and bring it back to the woods to raise it like one of her own, but I guess it just didn't happen that way." Any parents missing an infant are advised to check near the cluster of downed maples midway up the eastern canoe portage.
Casino Has Great Night #~# ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—A beaming Donald Brant, general manager of Bally's Atlantic City, reported that the casino had "an unbelievable night" Monday, cleaning up at the blackjack table, on the slot machines, and elsewhere.
Man Adds A Few Personalized Tracks To Standard New-Girlfriend Mix CD #~# SPRINGFIELD, MO—Wanting to add something special for new love Danielle Welter, Andy Mansfield, 24, burned three personalized tracks Monday onto his standard new-girlfriend mix CD. "Danielle loves that No Doubt song 'Running,' so I threw that on there just for her," Mansfield said. "And she doesn't really like rap, which [previous girlfriend] Erica [Hollings] loved, so I took off [Salt-N-Pepa's] 'Whatta Man' and replaced it with two Aretha Franklin songs, because Danielle loves the oldies." Mansfield said he expects Welter to love the mix "even more than Erica did, maybe even as much as Christine."
Man Adds A Few Personalized Tracks To Standard New-Girlfriend Mix CD #~# SPRINGFIELD, MO—Wanting to add something special for new love Danielle Welter, Andy Mansfield, 24, burned three personalized tracks Monday onto his standard new-girlfriend mix CD. "Danielle loves that No Doubt song 'Running,' so I threw that on there just for her," Mansfield said. "And she doesn't really like rap, which [previous girlfriend] Erica [Hollings] loved, so I took off [Salt-N-Pepa's] 'Whatta Man' and replaced it with two Aretha Franklin songs, because Danielle loves the oldies." Mansfield said he expects Welter to love the mix "even more than Erica did, maybe even as much as Christine."
Circus Runaway Not Looking Forward To Hometown Show #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Michael MacAlester, who ran away from his native Sacramento at 16 to join the circus, is not looking forward to the Big Top Circus' show this Friday in his hometown. "The idea of getting the hell out of Sacramento and joining a traveling circus was really exciting, but I guess I should've thought to check the schedule," MacAlester, 18, a unicycling clown, said Monday. "I asked the ringmaster if I could possibly sit this one out, but he said no way." MacAlester said he plans to wear extra-heavy make-up in case his parents happen to be in attendance. 
Circus Runaway Not Looking Forward To Hometown Show #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Michael MacAlester, who ran away from his native Sacramento at 16 to join the circus, is not looking forward to the Big Top Circus' show this Friday in his hometown. "The idea of getting the hell out of Sacramento and joining a traveling circus was really exciting, but I guess I should've thought to check the schedule," MacAlester, 18, a unicycling clown, said Monday. "I asked the ringmaster if I could possibly sit this one out, but he said no way." MacAlester said he plans to wear extra-heavy make-up in case his parents happen to be in attendance. 
Podiatrist A Jerk #~# HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—Podiatrist Dr. Don Smithson is a "big jerk" who "talks down to you like you're an idiot," patient Greg Lindblad reported Tuesday. "Dr. Smithson totally scolded me for not cutting my toenails straight across—he says the ingrown toenail is my own fault," Lindblad said. "Pardon me, Dr. Smithson. My life should revolve around maintaining proper foot care. What a dick." Lindblad also claimed Smithson "completely chewed [him] out" for allowing his bunions to go untreated.
Podiatrist A Jerk #~# HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—Podiatrist Dr. Don Smithson is a "big jerk" who "talks down to you like you're an idiot," patient Greg Lindblad reported Tuesday. "Dr. Smithson totally scolded me for not cutting my toenails straight across—he says the ingrown toenail is my own fault," Lindblad said. "Pardon me, Dr. Smithson. My life should revolve around maintaining proper foot care. What a dick." Lindblad also claimed Smithson "completely chewed [him] out" for allowing his bunions to go untreated.
Systems Administrator Would So Fuck New Trainee #~# TUCSON, AZ—Speaking in confidence to coworker Brian Panos, Barton Financial Group systems administrator Tim Kreutzer revealed Tuesday that, given the chance, he would "so fuck" new office trainee Lisa Hartig, 23. "Tim was staring at Lisa from across the office floor when he dropped the bombshell that he would so fuck her," Panos said. "Obviously, I was stunned. I mean, how often do you come across a balding 51-year-old tech professional who's willing to sleep with a nubile blonde? Wow."
Systems Administrator Would So Fuck New Trainee #~# TUCSON, AZ—Speaking in confidence to coworker Brian Panos, Barton Financial Group systems administrator Tim Kreutzer revealed Tuesday that, given the chance, he would "so fuck" new office trainee Lisa Hartig, 23. "Tim was staring at Lisa from across the office floor when he dropped the bombshell that he would so fuck her," Panos said. "Obviously, I was stunned. I mean, how often do you come across a balding 51-year-old tech professional who's willing to sleep with a nubile blonde? Wow."
Executing SARS Spreaders in China #~# Last week, China threatened to execute individuals who knowingly spread the SARS virus. What do you think?
Yo, Don't Judge #~# Y'all may not realize this, but tha Accountz Reeceevin' bruthahood be forced to live in two worlds: tha supafly world o' officin' an' tha bleak-ass world of all y'all amateurs. And it ain't easy. When punchout time roll around, there be a lot o' A.R. bruthahs who don't know what to do with theyselves. Sometimes, they go to Chiliz or Applebeez, but them places be full of playa-hatas who don't approve of tha reeceevin' lifestyle, and in no time, suckaz start flexin'. 
Bird Has Big Plans For Cage #~# HENNIKER, NH—Charlie, a Henniker-area cockatiel, announced Tuesday that he has big plans for his new stainless-steel birdcage. "Let's see—I'm gonna hang the bell from the ceiling and put my seed trough on the right wall. And I'm finally gonna get one of those rolling perches, now that I have the room," said Charlie between gulps of sunflower seeds. "And once I put up that full-length mirror, it's really gonna open up this space." Charlie said he also plans to use some of his bird toys to form a partition in the middle of the cage, creating the illusion of two separate rooms.
Bird Has Big Plans For Cage #~# HENNIKER, NH—Charlie, a Henniker-area cockatiel, announced Tuesday that he has big plans for his new stainless-steel birdcage. "Let's see—I'm gonna hang the bell from the ceiling and put my seed trough on the right wall. And I'm finally gonna get one of those rolling perches, now that I have the room," said Charlie between gulps of sunflower seeds. "And once I put up that full-length mirror, it's really gonna open up this space." Charlie said he also plans to use some of his bird toys to form a partition in the middle of the cage, creating the illusion of two separate rooms.
Majority Of Human Discourse Now Occurring In Online Product Reviews #~# DURHAM, NC—According to a Duke University study released Monday, a majority of human interaction and communication now occurs within the context of consumer product reviews on the Internet. 
Majority Of Human Discourse Now Occurring In Online Product Reviews #~# DURHAM, NC—According to a Duke University study released Monday, a majority of human interaction and communication now occurs within the context of consumer product reviews on the Internet. 
Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Unveiling its newest weapon in the fight against terrorism Monday, the Department of Homeland Security announced the deputization of Rufus, a big ol' mongrel ornery enough to make Al Qaeda think twice about carrying out an attack against the U.S. 
Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Unveiling its newest weapon in the fight against terrorism Monday, the Department of Homeland Security announced the deputization of Rufus, a big ol' mongrel ornery enough to make Al Qaeda think twice about carrying out an attack against the U.S. 
Let's Put The 'Ex' Back In Sex #~# Hey, Amy. How's the most beautiful ex-girlfriend in the world doing tonight? Wow, it's been a while, huh? Listen, don't hang up, okay? I know we haven't spoken in a while, but I was thinking the other day that maybe even though we're not dating anymore, we could, you know, um, how do I say this? Let's put the "ex" back in sex. 
'90s Punk Decries Punks Of Today #~# BERKELEY, CA–Nineties punk Drew Tolbert, 29, expressed scorn Monday for the punks of today, denouncing them as "phony poseurs unworthy of the word 'punk.'" 
'90s Punk Decries Punks Of Today #~# BERKELEY, CA–Nineties punk Drew Tolbert, 29, expressed scorn Monday for the punks of today, denouncing them as "phony poseurs unworthy of the word 'punk.'" 
New Neighbor Tested With Beer #~# PESHTIGO, WI–Seeking to gauge the personality and character of new next-door neighbor Roger Lundback, Bob Iwanski surreptitiously subjected him to a beer test Monday.
New Neighbor Tested With Beer #~# PESHTIGO, WI–Seeking to gauge the personality and character of new next-door neighbor Roger Lundback, Bob Iwanski surreptitiously subjected him to a beer test Monday.
The Times Plagiarism Scandal #~# Last week, Jayson Blair resigned as a national reporter for The New York Times amid charges that he plagiarized and falsified stories. Among the misdeeds:
Pfizer Launches 'Zoloft For Everything' Ad Campaign #~# NEW YORK–Seeking to broaden the customer base of the popular drug, Pfizer announced the launch of a $40 million "Zoloft For Everything" advertising campaign Monday. 
Pfizer Launches 'Zoloft For Everything' Ad Campaign #~# NEW YORK–Seeking to broaden the customer base of the popular drug, Pfizer announced the launch of a $40 million "Zoloft For Everything" advertising campaign Monday. 
This Absolutely The Last Time Bouncer Cleans Up Vomit #~# LUBBOCK, TX–Bruce Kucharsky, 29, a bouncer at the Come Back Inn, announced Monday that this is "absolutely the last time" he is cleaning up vomit. "This is it," said Kucharsky, mopping up a chunky, peach-hued puddle near the pool table. "I'll clean up the puke this time, but next time, they're gonna find somebody else, or I quit. I ain't no fucking janitor." In his four months as a bouncer at the bar, Kucharsky estimated he has "wiped up chunder, like, at least 300 times."
This Absolutely The Last Time Bouncer Cleans Up Vomit #~# LUBBOCK, TX–Bruce Kucharsky, 29, a bouncer at the Come Back Inn, announced Monday that this is "absolutely the last time" he is cleaning up vomit. "This is it," said Kucharsky, mopping up a chunky, peach-hued puddle near the pool table. "I'll clean up the puke this time, but next time, they're gonna find somebody else, or I quit. I ain't no fucking janitor." In his four months as a bouncer at the bar, Kucharsky estimated he has "wiped up chunder, like, at least 300 times."
Nanny Appears In Child's Drawings More Than Mother #~# MALIBU, CA–According to reports, Consuela Rodriguez, 41, nanny of Sara Denton, has appeared in more of the 6-year-old's crayon drawings than her own mother. "Here's a picture of me and Consuela at the zoo," Sara said Tuesday. "And here's me and Consuela at the park, and us eating at McDonald's. And this one is me and Consuela as ballerinas, and this one is me and Consuela having a picnic with SpongeBob. And here's one of Mommy in her car, driving to work." Sara's mother could not be reached for comment.
Traveler Excited Hotel Has HBO Until He Checks Listing #~# ROCKFORD, IL–Stopping at a local Days Inn Tuesday, traveler Dan Peterson, 27, was delighted to discover that the motel featured the premium channel HBO until he checked the night's programming listings. "Aw, man, not Summer Catch," said Peterson, as he browsed the cable guide. "Then it's back-to-back episodes of Tracey Takes On at 11, followed by The Mexican at midnight and Ghosts Of Mars at 2 a.m. Fuck." Peterson spent the evening reading the room's complimentary copy of See Rockford! and sucking on ice cubes.
I'm An Attractive-People Person #~# Thank you for considering me for this position. As you can see from my résumé, my extensive work experience in the field makes me a strong candidate for this job. My résumé doesn't, however, convey the many intangibles that I bring to the table. For example, I'm incredibly driven. I'm also excellent in crisis situations, doing my best work under pressure. And, of course, I'm an attractive-people person. 
All My Religion Needs Now Is A Snazzy Post-Death Scenario #~# Well, it's been a long, hard road, but I'm finally almost finished with Cosmysticism, the new religion I've been working on for the past year or so. And I must say, I'm pretty proud of how it's turned out. It's a delicate blend of love and wrath, mystery and science, history and fantasy. I have some compelling characters, a universal creation myth, and a great ascension-of-man second act. Now all I need is some sort of snazzy post-death scenario to really put the cherry on top. 
Hostel-Dwelling Swede Getting Laid Big-Time #~# NEW YORK–Anders Perssen, 23, a Swedish backpacker currently staying at the Chelsea International Youth Hostel, admitted Monday to getting "a great large amount of tail" during the first two weeks of his three-month tour of the U.S. 
The Matrix Reloaded #~# The feverishly anticipated Matrix Reloaded hits theaters Thursday. What can moviegoers expect from the blockbuster sequel?
Five-Family Yard Sale Mainly Selling Items To Each Other #~# LAKE OSWEGO, OR–Despite participants' hopes of unloading useless, long-shelved items for profit, Oakdale Court's five-family yard sale last weekend was dominated by the transfer of items from one table to another. 
Bush And Blair's Nobel Nomination #~# Last week, President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for winning the war in Iraq. What do you think? 
Freed POW Already Sick Of Family #~# CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO–Brent Dobson, a 19-year-old Army private who was reunited with his loved ones on May 8 after a harrowing two-week ordeal as a prisoner of war in Iraq, is already "sick to death" of his family, Dobson reported Monday. 
Freed POW Already Sick Of Family #~# CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO–Brent Dobson, a 19-year-old Army private who was reunited with his loved ones on May 8 after a harrowing two-week ordeal as a prisoner of war in Iraq, is already "sick to death" of his family, Dobson reported Monday. 
Shipwreck Survivors Forced To Endure Ride Home On Disney Cruise Ship #~# NASSAU, BAHAMAS–Rescued after being lost at sea for nearly two weeks, shipwreck survivors Bill and Mary Kolin were forced to endure a ride back to the U.S. mainland on a Disney Magic cruise ship. "I suffered severe sunburn, dehydration, and starvation, but that was nothing compared to the half a day I spent on that hellship," Mary told reporters Monday. "I honestly didn't think we'd make it through Chip 'N' Dale's Karaoke Jam, much less Mickey's Breakfast Buffet." Bill said he plans to write a book chronicling his struggle for survival among shuffleboard-playing Lion King fans.
College-Aged Daughter Against Using Straws Now #~# MIDDLETOWN, CT–Unveiling her latest college-acquired quirk, Wesleyan University freshman Julie Freitag, 18, informed her parents Monday that she is staunchly opposed to the use of drinking straws. "I don't know if it's an environmental-waste thing or an I'm-all-grown-up thing or maybe something else altogether, but she won't touch a straw," said Jim Freitag, her father. "Every time we see her, she's got a new one: First, she wouldn't wear deodorant because of the aluminum, then she wouldn't watch the Oscars because of something to do with the war. But not using straws? What that's about?"
Yearbook-Staff Meeting Devolves Into Discussion Of Popular Kids #~# CHATFIELD, MN–Productivity declined sharply at Tuesday's Chatfield High School yearbook meeting, when the proceedings devolved into an animated discussion of the school's popular kids. 
Nation's Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs #~# NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, representatives of the Association of American Dogs announced that the nation's canines are dangerously underpetted. "Every night, thousands of U.S. dogs go to bed without so much as a scritch behind the ears," AAD president Banjo said. "If this sort of neglect from our masters continues, it could lead to widespread jumping on the furniture." Upon his owner's arrival in the press-conference room, Banjo abruptly ended his speech, frantically barking, leaping, and rolling over on his back in an effort to communicate his need for a vigorous belly rub.
Stripper Failing School She's Working Self Through #~# LAS VEGAS—Exotic dancer Tricia "Mercedes" Hrlevich, 22, who is stripping to put herself through school, is failing her Red Rock Community College business classes, sources said Tuesday. "I definitely want to do something with, like, business," said Hrlevich, who has received Fs on three straight economics exams. "Dancing at Cheetah's [Gentlemen's Cabaret] is just a way of getting closer toward that goal." Hrlevich then accompanied a balding 54-year-old to the Champagne Room, where she earned $60 toward a Psych 101 textbook she will never read.
Stripper Failing School She's Working Self Through #~# LAS VEGAS—Exotic dancer Tricia "Mercedes" Hrlevich, 22, who is stripping to put herself through school, is failing her Red Rock Community College business classes, sources said Tuesday. "I definitely want to do something with, like, business," said Hrlevich, who has received Fs on three straight economics exams. "Dancing at Cheetah's [Gentlemen's Cabaret] is just a way of getting closer toward that goal." Hrlevich then accompanied a balding 54-year-old to the Champagne Room, where she earned $60 toward a Psych 101 textbook she will never read.
Compliment Goes Horribly Awry #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—A compliment went horribly awry Monday, when Greg Upchurch, 26, praised girlfriend Sheri Werning, 25, for her "juicy ass." "I didn't mean fat," said Upchurch, explaining himself to the offended Werning. "By 'juicy,' I meant curvy, you know? Like, that you're really healthy and athletic, and not some sickly little stick figure." Having dug himself into a hole, Upchurch pondered comparing Werning's posterior to Jennifer Lopez's, but ultimately decided against it.
Bush To Lovely Chilean Ambassador:'I Must Paint You' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—After spotting Chilean Ambassador to the U.S. Natalia Verdugo at a D.C.-area café Tuesday, a smitten President Bush promptly invited the bewitching diplomat to his artist's garret in the East Wing of the White House. "I must paint you," Bush reportedly told Verdugo. "I simply must commit your beauty to the canvas immediately. Please, come away with me to my studio, where the early-evening light from my western window shall caress your undraped form." Though she eventually agreed to pose for the president, Verdugo drew the line at "an afternoon of fiery passion" among his charcoal sketches.
Bush To Lovely Chilean Ambassador:'I Must Paint You' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—After spotting Chilean Ambassador to the U.S. Natalia Verdugo at a D.C.-area café Tuesday, a smitten President Bush promptly invited the bewitching diplomat to his artist's garret in the East Wing of the White House. "I must paint you," Bush reportedly told Verdugo. "I simply must commit your beauty to the canvas immediately. Please, come away with me to my studio, where the early-evening light from my western window shall caress your undraped form." Though she eventually agreed to pose for the president, Verdugo drew the line at "an afternoon of fiery passion" among his charcoal sketches.
8-Year-Old Forced To Eat Organic Macaroni And Cheese #~# SAUSALITO, CA—In spite of his distaste for Annie's Homegrown Mac & Cheese, area 8-year-old Josh Remmert was forced by his mother to eat an entire plate of the organic pasta for lunch Tuesday. "I like Kraft Mac & Cheese a lot better, but Mom says it's all processed and got artificial stuff in it," Remmert said. "At least it's the right color. The cheese in this stuff isn't even orange." To help wash down the all-natural pasta, Remmert was given a choice between carrot juice and vanilla-flavored Rice Dream.
Continuing Clashes In Iraq #~# In spite of the war's conclusion, U.S. troops continue to engage in deadly skirmishes with Iraqi protesters, killing 16 in one such clash last week. What do you think?
Bush Cites The Last Starfighter As Inspiration For Entering Politics #~# WASHINGTON, DC–During a speech Monday, President Bush disclosed for the first time the pivotal role the 1984 science-fiction adventure film The Last Starfighter played in his decision to enter politics. 
Have You Been Bitten By The Matrix Bug? #~# Item! Beware of Matrixmania! Matrix 2: Back To The Matrix is coming out soon, and that means the ladies of the world will once again be drooling over hunky Lawrence "Black Morpheus" Fishburn. But while drooling is guaranteed, many questions remain unanswered: Can the sequel top the original? Did Elron really die in the first one, or will he be back? Will there be more sparks between Neon and Brittany? Tune in here for all the latest cyber-poop. 
The Godfather Of Soul Turns 70 #~# Music legend James Brown recently turned 70. How did he celebrate the milestone?
Why Am I Always The One To Get Chlamydia? #~# I don't get it. I'm a good person who lives an honest life and is nice to people, yet for some reason, I seem to have the worst luck: My toast always falls jam-side down, the one day it rains is always the day I leave my windows open, and the one time I have unprotected sex in a public-beach changing room, I end up with chlamydia! What gives? 
Dozens Dead In Chicago-Area Meatwave #~# CHICAGO–A deadly meatwave swept through the Chicago area over the weekend, leaving an estimated 40 residents dead of steaks, chops, ribs, bacon, and various other forms of meat exhaustion.
Local Man Ruins Date By Just Being Himself #~# LA JOLLA, CA–Wrongly advised by friends and family to "just be himself," local tax attorney Marc Scanlon, 34, ruined a first date with Rachel Loftus by doing just that, sources close to the never-to-be couple reported Monday.
Woman Checks Terror-Alert Level Before Leaving For Work #~# FORT DODGE, IA—As she does every morning, local resident Wendy Trotter, 33, consulted the Department of Homeland Security web site Tuesday to check the terror-alert level before leaving for work. "I like to leave the house prepared," said Trotter, a cashier at a local Cub Foods. "I'd hate to assume that the level is still Elevated, only to find myself caught in a High-level situation. And if I didn't check, how would I know whether I need to coordinate necessary security efforts with federal, state, and local law enforcement and begin contingency procedures by moving to an alternate venue?"
Banks Introduce 75-Cent Surcharge For Using Word 'Bank' #~# NEW YORK—Executives from the nation's 50 largest banks announced Monday that, effective July 1, all customers will be assessed a 75-cent surcharge each time they use the word "bank." "Now, each time a customer uses the word 'bank' in either its spoken or written form, 75 cents will be automatically deducted from his or her account," said Kenneth Nordland, 54, president of the American Banking Association. "For instance, if you say, 'I bank with Bank of America,' that would cost you $1.50." Nordland added that customers wishing to avoid the penalty are encouraged to use the alternate phrase "financial institution."
Christ Returns For Some Of His Old Things #~# JERUSALEM—After being away for nearly two millennia, Jesus Christ triumphantly returned Monday to pick up some of His old belongings. "I realize this isn't exactly how the world's Christians were imagining it, but I left a really comfortable pair of sandals in Galilee, and I wanted them back," said Christ, who died for our sins. "Also, I'm pretty sure I lent [Apostle] Simon Peter my best goblet at the Last Supper." This marks Christ's first return since 76 A.D., when he thought he'd forgotten to turn off his coffee pot.
Father's Day Gift Way Shittier Than Mother's Day Gift #~# TOPEKA, KS—For the seventh year in a row, the Father's Day gift that Robert Frankel, 48, received from his children Sunday was way shittier than the Mother's Day gift his wife received five weeks earlier. "Wow, thanks, Marc and Erica, they're great," Frankel said, as he unwrapped a $9 pair of padded socks. "These should really keep me warm." The gift, which stood in sharp contrast to the $85 day-spa gift certificate the children lovingly gave their mother on May 11, was presented without a card.
U.S. Refuses To Allow U.N. Weapons Inspectors Back Into Iraq #~# BAGHDAD, IRAQ—For the third time in as many weeks, U.S. officials denied U.N. weapons inspectors' request to reenter Iraq. "Thanks so much for the offer, but we can handle it from here," Lt. Gen. William Wallace told U.N. chief inspector Hans Blix. "We're getting very close to finding Saddam's massive WMD stockpile, and to have the U.N. get involved at this point would just complicate matters. Sorry." U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan has given President Bush a June 28 deadline to let inspectors into Iraq.
By Now, The Uzbekistanis Have Discovered The Disappearance Of Their Orbital Platform #~# Ah, I see we're all here. Well done, everyone. I was confident you could all get to this odd corner of Argentina by noon GMT, and you did not disappoint. Although I'm distressed that two of you were forced to risk exposure by using commercial flights. However, as you'll soon see, identity-containment is not our primary concern at this time. 
GOP Reports Record Second-Quarter Profits #~# WASHINGTON, DC–At a stockholders meeting Monday, the Republican Party announced record profits for the second quarter of 2003, exceeding analysts' expectations by more than 20 cents per share. 
FCC Media Deregulation #~# The FCC has eased restrictions on same-city ownership of newspapers and TV stations, freeing media conglomerates to create local monopolies. What do you think?
Hillary's Bestseller #~# Last week, U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton's much-antecipated memoir, Living History, hit bookstores. Among the former first lady's revelations:
College-Radio DJ Thinks He Has Cult Following #~# CHARLESTON, IL–College-radio disc jockey Jordan Haley is convinced that "Rock Blossom," his show airing Thursdays from midnight to 2 a.m. on WEIU 88.9 FM, has a devoted cult following, the Eastern Illinois University senior told reporters Monday. 
You Are A Beautiful Woman, And I Mean That In A Completely Non-Threatening Way #~# Pardon me for staring. I'd hate for you to think I was one of those guys who thinks it's okay to approach women he doesn't even know with unsolicited romantic advances. 
95 Percent Of Opinions Withheld On Visit To Family #~# KALAMAZOO, MI–A full 95 percent of the opinions held by Justin Wilmot, 26, were kept to himself Sunday during a Father's Day visit with his family.
Disney Family Vacation Ruined By Walt Disney Company #~# ORLANDO, FL–A magical Walt Disney World family vacation was ruined last weekend by the stringent policies and protocol of the Walt Disney Company.
Troubled Teens Mock Social Worker's Car #~# CHICAGO—Despite facing socioeconomic inequities that put them at a lifelong disadvantage, troubled inner-city teens at Marcus Garvey High School are fond of openly mocking their social worker's "shitty car," sources reported Monday. 
Man In Bar Makes General Inquiry About The Ladies #~# SAN ANTONIO, TX—Sitting on a barstool at the Stone Werks Tavern, Barry Todd, 39, made a general inquiry regarding the status of the ladies Monday. "So, what's the deal with the ladies tonight?" asked Todd, speaking to no one in particular. "Are they alone, or are they here with somebody? I hope they're not all uptight and stuck-up." After receiving no definitive answer, Todd spent the remainder of the evening flipping through the CDs on the jukebox and nursing his warm Michelob Light.
Cameraman Finds Sole Black Person In Studio Audience #~# LINCOLN, NE—During Tuesday's live broadcast of Mornings With Connie & Bill, Channel 8 cameraman Tom Benes managed to find Yolanda Davis, the only African-American in an otherwise all-Caucasian studio audience. "Connie [Dell] and Bill [Jordan] were chatting about Gladys Knight coming to town, and I just felt it would be nice to get a reaction shot from someone of color," Benes said. "That's the kind of subtle thing that makes the show more enjoyable for viewers at home." Benes kept his camera trained on Davis during the entire discussion of the Knight concert and later got a quick shot of her during a brief mention of Halle Berry.
Bakery's Closing Nets Man Ton Of Free Éclairs #~# CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Area resident Andrew Rutherford, 43, took advantage of the 7 p.m. closing of Napoleon's French bakery Monday, taking home what he described as a "ton" of free éclairs. "I swung by to get a donut just as they were closing up shop for the night, and this guy behind the counter asks if I wanted, like, three huge bags of éclairs for nothing," Rutherford said. "So I'm like, 'Hell, yeah!' They were just gonna throw them away, I guess. My roommates were so psyched." Though weighing far less than an actual ton, the éclair bags tipped the scales at nearly nine pounds.
Remember Me? I'm That Kid Who Had A Report Due On Space #~# Hey there. Remember me? I'm that kid who had a report due on space. You probably don't recognize me because it was a long time ago. I used to wear my hair totally different. It was in this sort of Prince Valiant-style pageboy bowl cut. Hey, it was the mid-'80s, what can I say? Sometimes, I look at old pictures of me, with that hair, and I think to myself, "You sure have come a long way since the days when you had that report due on space." 
MC Serch Updates List Of Gas-Face Recipients #~# QUEENS, NY—For the first time since the list's 1989 release, MC Serch of 3rd Bass unveiled an updated Gas Face list Tuesday, removing such longtime recipients as Hammer and P.W. Botha in favor of more current wrongdoers. "Osama bin Laden… gets the gas face," MC Serch, flanked by Prime Minister Pete Nice, told reporters. "Bill O'Reilly, shut the fuck up! Gas face!" Also included on MC Serch's newly revised Gas Face list were Scott Peterson, U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), and Grand Puba.
Graduation Party More Lucrative Than Planned Future Career #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—Caryn Niering, who last week received a Bachelor of Arts degree from Indiana University, earned more in cash and gifts during her graduation party Monday than she can ever hope to amass in her chosen career as a school psychologist. "I got a pretty sweet deal at the party," Niering said. "My uncle Mark gave me a check for $1,000, and my dad bought me a new Volkswagen Jetta." Niering's total haul at the graduation party was $19,600, while her starting salary as a school psychologist will be $17,000 a year.
Exaggerating The WMD Threat #~# Critics are accusing the Bush Administration of distorting the destructive threat posed by Iraq. Among the U.S. claims under suspicion:
Five-Disc Jazz Anthology Still Unopened #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—A five-disc jazz-anthology box set, lovingly assembled to give novices an appreciation and understanding of the uniquely American art form, remains unopened nearly two years after its purchase, sources reported Monday. 
Gen. Tommy Franks Quits Army To Pursue Solo Bombing Projects #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Gen. Tommy Franks, commander of American forces in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, announced plans Monday to step down as U.S. Central Command chief to focus on solo bombing projects. 
Let Smoove Rock Your Body And World #~# Have I told you how wonderful you are? When I am with you, I feel like a whole new Smoove. Since you have asked me not to call you at work, I have opted to discuss your fineness through my column.
Area Man's Pop-Culture References Stop At 1988 #~# FLAGSTAFF, AZ—According to sources, area resident Scott Marchand, 37, lives in a state of pop-cultural stasis, never making references to movies, music, or television shows that came after 1988.
The Partial-Birth Abortion Ban #~# Last week, the House of Representatives voted to ban partial-birth abortions, moving the bill a step closer to President Bush. What do you think?
Study Finds Jack Shit #~# BALTIMORE—A team of scientists at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that a five-year study examining the link between polyphenols and lower cholesterol rates has found jack shit. 
You Can Be Anything You Want, Says Fictional Character #~# NEW YORK—If you work hard, believe in yourself, and never lose sight of your dreams, you can achieve anything you want, the make-believe children's-book character Chipper Chipmunk said Tuesday. 
City Councilman From Future Warns Against Building 12th Avenue Rec Center #~# HOLLINS, VA—Appearing through a wormhole at a city-council meeting Tuesday, Xanthon Clarke, a Hollins 3rd District Councilman from the future, warned meeting attendees against building the proposed 12th Avenue Recreation Center. "I come from the year 2050, begging you to vote down the rec center before it's too late," said Clarke, sporting a metallic blazer and bowtie. "Before it's too late, for God's sake." Clarke was then vaporized by a raygun-wielding robotic lobbyist from 2079.
Therapist Beginning To Show Cracks In Caring Façade #~# SANTA MONICA, CA—After five years of counseling, psychotherapist Diana Berg is beginning to show cracks in her caring façade, patient Ian Cassell reported Tuesday. "When I told her how I still put everyone else's happiness above my own, she exhaled really loud, like she was exasperated," Cassell said. "Then she said, 'Well, we did talk about that last session, didn't we?'" Berg, who has had twice-weekly sessions with Cassell since 1998, said through gritted teeth that she suspects he doesn't really want to get better.
Chuckling Cops Attempt To Imitate Sound Of Man Being Hit By Taxi #~# CHICAGO—After witnessing a fatal hit-and-run accident Tuesday, Chicago police officers Ed Malloy and Ron Garrity attempted to replicate the sound of a man being hit by a taxi. "First, there was the aiiigh, then a fa-wumpp ba-bumpp," Malloy said, stifling laughter. "Then, when he was bleeding from his mouth, he kind of went ggrrgg blibb-blibb." Garrity disagreed, saying the impact "sounded more like a tha-loomp poompf." Malloy said it was the funniest on-the-job incident since that junkie was stabbed in the ass.
Rumsfeld Wearing Same Shirt For Fourth Straight Day #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to Pentagon sources, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has been wearing the same slightly dingy white Arrow Oxford shirt for four straight days. "I can tell it's the same one, because he got a drop of chili on it last Friday, and the spot is still there," Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz said Monday. "I know Don's a busy guy, but it's really starting to look bad. I mean, it's all pitted out and everything." Wolfowitz added that Rumsfeld has worn the same pair of black wingtips "since we drove the Taliban out of Afghanistan."
A Mouse Unusual Development #~# As any Jeanketeer worth his or her salt (or chocolate!) knows, my two sweet kitties, Priscilla and Garfield, mean more to me than just about anything. (I guess hubby Rick would have to top the list, but between you, me, and the lamp post, sometimes I wish Rick would magically turn into a cuddly kitty himself!) 
Nike's Million-Dollar Babies #~# After signing high-school basketball star LeBron James to a $90 million ad deal, Nike signed a 13-year-old soccer phenom to a $1 million pact. What do you think? 
Bush Visits U.S.S. Truman For Dramatic Veterans'-Benefits-Cutting Ceremony #~# NORFOLK, VA—With more than 5,400 jubilant Marines and sailors cheering him on, President Bush landed on the deck of the U.S.S. Harry S Truman in a Navy jet Monday to preside over a historic veterans'-benefits-cutting ceremony. 
Bob Hope Turns 100 #~# Last week, Bob Hope passed the century mark. How did the legendary comedian celebrate his 100th birthday?
Manic-Depressive Friend A Blast While Manic #~# BUFFALO, NY—Manic-depressive Tom Ruzek, 24, may be a "total drag for months on end," but he is "a blast" while in his manic state, friends of the troubled Buffalo State graduate student said Monday. 
Who Will Carry On My PlayStation 2 Adventures After I'm Gone? #~# I'll admit, I've had a good run. Done pretty much everything I wanted, accomplished almost everything I set out to do. I fought my way to the top of the criminal hierarchy of two cities, saved the world from unspeakably evil magical and technological conspiracies, went to six Super Bowls, and unified ancient China under three different dynasties. It's a legacy any man would be proud of, yet it is one that raises an obvious question: Who will carry on my PlayStation 2 adventures after I'm gone? 
Friend Gearing Up To Hate The Hulk #~# EL PASO, TX—For the past three weeks, comic-book aficionado Derek Linden, 23, has been gearing up to hate Universal Pictures' The Hulk, which opens June 13. "Maybe it'll be good, but I'm bracing for the worst," Linden told friend Paul Comello Monday. "The CGI makes him look like Shrek. And even though The Hulk has the ability to leap long distances, in the trailer it looks like he's flying, which he can't do. And I won't even get into how, in the Hulk origin story, he was gray, not green." Linden said he also has "grave doubts" about Jennifer Connelly's ability to convincingly portray Betty Ross.
NPR Listener Acquires Kick-Ass Tote Bag #~# VENICE BEACH, CA—An avid National Public Radio listener, 48-year-old bicycle repair-shop technician Steve "Hozzie" Hasaji pledged $30 to 89.9 KCRW and "scored a kick-ass tote bag," Hasaji reported Tuesday. "Check this out," he said, showing coworkers a navy denim bag emblazoned with the KCRW logo. "If I knew listening to Morning Edition every day before breakfast was gonna get me this cool bag, shit, I woulda sent them money a long time ago." Hasaji added that Renee Montagne's insightful interview with author Diana Abu-Jaber was "totally off the hook."
That Knife Guy From High School Arrested In Knife-Related Incident #~# RILEY, OR—Thirty-year-old Daryl Wohlert, that guy who always had all the knives in high school, was arrested Monday for allegedly threatening a local storekeeper with a switchblade, Riley police reported. "Daryl always used to have a knife on him, and a couple lying on the top shelf of his locker, too," said Riley Police Department desk clerk Jeremy Dunbar, who graduated with Wohlert from Riley High School in 1991. "He used to flip that thing around and roll it around in his hands until [shop teacher] Mr. Adams told him to put it away. Even after he put it back in the sheath, he'd still hold it out to threaten us with the case." Wohlert's alleged victim, 58-year-old Clarence Sewell, declined comment.
Man Thinks Receptionist Is Hitting On Him #~# MEMPHIS, TN—Based on approximately two minutes of conversation and a series of polite smiles, chiropractic patient Jordan Walters earnestly believes that receptionist Mandy Pruitt is hitting on him, waiting-room sources reported early this afternoon. "Did you see how she offered to get me coffee?" an excited Walters said after Pruitt left to fetch him coffee. "I think she was just looking for an 'in' with me, if you follow me. One where she got to show me her legs." Earlier that day, Walters also caught the eye of an Applebee's waitress, a Goodyear service-center employee, and two different bank tellers.
Man Thinks Receptionist Is Hitting On Him #~# MEMPHIS, TN—Based on approximately two minutes of conversation and a series of polite smiles, chiropractic patient Jordan Walters earnestly believes that receptionist Mandy Pruitt is hitting on him, waiting-room sources reported early this afternoon. "Did you see how she offered to get me coffee?" an excited Walters said after Pruitt left to fetch him coffee. "I think she was just looking for an 'in' with me, if you follow me. One where she got to show me her legs." Earlier that day, Walters also caught the eye of an Applebee's waitress, a Goodyear service-center employee, and two different bank tellers.
Playground Treated To Hot Pug-On-Pug Action #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Children playing on the swingsets at Waldo Street Tot Lot were treated to a raw, uncensored display of hot pug-on-pug action, sources reported Tuesday. "First the one doggy got behind the other doggy," said Andy Haupert, 6. "Then the first doggy tried to get on top of the other doggy while the other doggy tried to run away. It was really funny." The canine copulation has been the most talked-about animal-related playground incident since June, when a pigeon crapped all the way down the slide.
Congress Establishes Bill Suggestion Hotline #~# WASHINGTON, DC—House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) announced Tuesday that a new hotline will allow average Americans the chance to suggest new bills to the 108th Congress. "Do you have a great idea for an amendment, a revolutionary new tax bill, or just a few riders, but don't know how to turn it into law?" said Hastert at a press conference on the Capitol steps. "Call us at 1-900-NEW-BILL. We can help. Operators in the House and Senate are standing by." Hastert added that calls are just $3.99 a minute up to the first 10 minutes.
Uday And Qusay On Display #~# Last week, the U.S. military defended its decision to place the bodies of Saddam Hussein's sons on display. What do you think?
You Shall Make An Excellent Queen #~# Grand Vizier Adrakus! Prepare a full report on the attempted siege of my palace! Spare no detail, and have the Royal Theater Guild prepare a full operatic dramatization for next month's Tyranny Day festivities! 
Gigli Focus Groups Demand New Ending In Which Both Affleck And Lopez Die #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Focus groups at advance screenings for Gigli, a romantic comedy starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez set to open nationwide July 30, have demanded a new ending in which both stars die "in as brutal a manner as possible," sources at Sony Pictures said Tuesday. 
Gigli Focus Groups Demand New Ending In Which Both Affleck And Lopez Die #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA—Focus groups at advance screenings for Gigli, a romantic comedy starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez set to open nationwide July 30, have demanded a new ending in which both stars die "in as brutal a manner as possible," sources at Sony Pictures said Tuesday. 
They're Ruining My Favorite Soap! #~# My romantic worldview has taken some big hits lately. The first was the shocker that my fave-rave miniseries mega-hunk, Father Ralph de Bricassart himself, Richard Chamberlain, prefers the company of men. In all fairness, it's not like he could help it. But the second thing can be helped: the stinko storylines on my once-favorite soap, Brink Of Destiny! 
Adorable Democratic Candidate Actually Believes He Has A Chance #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Democratic candidate John Kerry seems to truly believe he has a chance at winning the presidency in 2004, the adorable Massachusetts senator revealed Monday. 
Area Man Knows All The Shortcut Keys #~# NEW BRITAIN, CT—Catalog copywriter Roger Turlock knows all the keyboard combinations that execute a computer's common commands, the Comfort Uniforms employee said yet again Tuesday.
Dominatrix Seems Preoccupied #~# RENO, NV—Local submissive Jack Traden announced Monday that his dominatrix, Mistress Varla of DV8, seems to have more on her mind than his humiliation.
Bush Not Heard From For Over A Month #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Beltway insiders and members of the media expressed concern Monday that President Bush has not been heard from for nearly five weeks. "I hope he's okay," said Secretary of State Colin Powell. "It's just like him to go off on a fishing trip to Alaska or something and not tell anyone. Which is fine. I mean, he's the president and can do what he wants and all that, but we kind of need to wrap up this whole Liberia thing we started." White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan admitted that he was unclear about the president's whereabouts, but figured he must be "off somewhere busy with something."
Hot New Secretary Of Transportation To 'Shake Up' U.S. Highways #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference announcing the replacement of Norman Mineta, vivacious new Secretary of Transportation Kyla Damon unveiled plans Tuesday to "shake up" U.S. highways. "You think you've seen negotiation and implementation of international transportation agreements and the issuance of regulations to prevent alcohol and illegal-drug misuse in U.S. transportation systems?" Damon said. "Well, think again!" Damon added that her first order of business would be to "say so long to that dusty old fossil known as the Federal Highway Administration."
LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet #~# LOS ANGELES—A ragged and misshapen girl officials are calling a "third Olsen twin" was rescued from the basement of the residence of teen superstars Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Tuesday, Los Angeles police said. 
LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet #~# LOS ANGELES—A ragged and misshapen girl officials are calling a "third Olsen twin" was rescued from the basement of the residence of teen superstars Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Tuesday, Los Angeles police said. 
Area Man Overly Proud Of Never Wearing Underwear #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Local record-store clerk Greg Oertel, 23, seems inordinately proud that he never wears underwear, Oertel's coworkers told reporters Tuesday. "I've heard Greg mention about 10 times that he never wears underwear," coworker Jake Hannah said. "He acts like he doesn't care what we think about it, but I'm beginning to suspect he does." According to his friends, Oertel insists that he gets hot when he wears underwear, so he "just doesn't bother," and that "it's no big deal."
Widower Misses Sex With Dead Wife Terribly #~# SCOTTSBLUFF, NE—Nearly one year after a car accident claimed the life of wife Sarah, Lloyd Monreal still misses having sex with her "more than I can say," the 44-year-old reported Tuesday. "Even now, every room in the house reminds me of the times we had sex in it," Monreal said, fighting back tears. "I don't care if 40 years go by. I'll never forget her breasts, her ass, those thighs." In honor of the anniversary, Monreal will eat a quiet dinner at home, after which he will take out a box of old photographs and perform a one-hour masturbation vigil by candlelight.
Man Trapped Under Boulder Braces For Possible Good Morning America Interview #~# YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Rock climber Scott Prichard, 31, who has spent the last 48 hours with his legs pinned under a boulder on Glacier Point, is reportedly bracing himself for a possible interview on Good Morning America. "God, Charles Gibson, that chubby weatherman with the wisecracks," a sweat- and urine-soaked Prichard said. "I pray Diane Sawyer doesn't ask me if I wanted to climb the Point 'because it was there.' I just would not be able to stomach that kind of inane chit-chat." Prichard then passed out from the intense pain.
Troops To Stay In Iraq #~# U.S. military officials recently announced that thousands of soldiers will remain in Iraq for longer than previously stated. What do you think?
In Sex Sales, What You're Really Selling Is Yourself #~# The younger women come to me nearly every day and ask, "Traci, what is your secret? How are you so successful, while I struggle every day just to make ends meet?" I smile, because I used to be like them: insecure and afraid. That was before I developed my patented Three-Point Plan™, the only sure-fire path to spectacular success. It starts with one simple lesson: In sex sales, what you're really selling is yourself. 
Sitting Through This Boring Murder Trial Should Be Punishment Enough #~# I've heard all killers think this, but I really believed I was going to get away with it. Well, if I knew what was in store for me at the courthouse, I might have thought twice before offing that family. Day after day, hour after hour, there's more of the same tedious examining and cross-examining. And don't even get me started on Judge Sominex up there. I tell you, sitting through this boring murder trial should be punishment enough. 
Man Going To Taco Bell 'With Or Without You' #~# BOWLING GREEN, OH—After a series of delays, Josh Brooks, 29, reportedly informed his two roommates Monday evening that he was going to Taco Bell with or without them. 
Deficit-Wracked Maryland Calls It Quits #~# ANNAPOLIS, MD—Citing mounting debt and a decline in tourism dollars, the state of Maryland will shut down for good on August 31, Maryland Gov. Robert L. Ehrlich Jr. told reporters Monday.
Goofy Guy Named Gary Enlivens Otherwise Intolerable Wedding Reception #~# MINOT, ND—At the outdoor wedding reception of Kevin Thomas and Elaine Schroeder on Saturday, a party guest identified only as "Gary" alleviated tensions and endeared himself to guests with his unpredictable and irreverent actions, turning the miserable event into one of marginal tolerability, sources reported Monday.
The New New York Times #~# Effective July 30, Bill Keller will become The New York Times new executive editor. What changes are in store for the nation's most respected newspaper?
Unemployed Man Getting Really Good At Unemployment #~# PORTLAND, OR—Nicholas Higby, a graphic designer laid off in January, is on his way to mastering unemployment, the 34-year-old reported Monday. 
Judge Totally Understands Where Defendant Is Coming From #~# CONCORDIA, MO—During a domestic-dispute case on Monday, Judge Peter Spiveck ruled that he could totally understand where 32-year-old defendant Samuel Werton was coming from. "Man, I totally hear what you're saying," said Spiveck, moments before handing down a sentence. "If my old lady stayed out drinking until 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd be tempted to run her over with the Dodge myself. But, dude, you can't do that. You've got to learn to keep it under control, see." Spiveck then warmly patted Werton on the shoulder and sentenced him to 90 days in the Lafayette County Lockup.
Judge Totally Understands Where Defendant Is Coming From #~# CONCORDIA, MO—During a domestic-dispute case on Monday, Judge Peter Spiveck ruled that he could totally understand where 32-year-old defendant Samuel Werton was coming from. "Man, I totally hear what you're saying," said Spiveck, moments before handing down a sentence. "If my old lady stayed out drinking until 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd be tempted to run her over with the Dodge myself. But, dude, you can't do that. You've got to learn to keep it under control, see." Spiveck then warmly patted Werton on the shoulder and sentenced him to 90 days in the Lafayette County Lockup.
Late-Working CEO Calls Out For Coffee In Vain #~# NEW YORK—While pulling a late-nighter at the office, Verizon Communications CEO Ivan Seidenberg repeatedly called out for coffee Tuesday despite being the only person in the building. "Would somebody please bring me some coffee?" shouted Seidenberg from his desk at approximately 11:30 p.m. "I need a cup of coffee—with two sugars. Dolores? Janice? Coffee?" Seidenberg alternated his requests for coffee with announcements that printer tray number two was out of paper.
Pen Pal Becomes Pen Foe #~# CHUGWATER, WY—In light of their recent antagonistic correspondence, 8-year-old Ryan Werther has decided that 7-year-old Trenton, NJ, resident Dashiell Kudia has changed from his pen pal to his pen foe. "You wer [sic] so wrong when you said the Fairly Oddparents are as good as Spongebob," Kudia penned in a letter Werther received Monday. "You can go jump off a brij [sic] for all I care because you are no longer my friend." Kudia's letter ended with a tersely written "So there."
Elaborate Sentence Construction Facilitates Omission Of Word 'Boyfriend' #~# BAKERSFIELD, CA—Local Target cashier Lori Spelmann, 23, told coworker Marsha Kimball about her weekend Monday using a winding sentence to facilitate omission of the word "boyfriend." "I didn't get home until late because my friend who is the guy I've been hanging out with a lot for the last five or so weeks locked his keys in his car," Spelmann told Kimball in the Target breakroom. Other words and phrases Spelmann managed to avoid during the run-on sentence included "went on a date," "relationship," and "had sex."
Kraft Goes On A Diet #~# Kraft Foods recently announced it will join the fught against obesity by cutting portion sizes and altering recipes of many its top products. What other changes is the company planning?
Before He Knows What's Happening, Man Belongs To $uper $aver's Club #~# ALTOONA, PA—Will Zimmerman stepped into a local supermarket Monday to purchase a pint of half-and-half, but before he could fully comprehend the situation, the 28-year-old repairman was a member of the Feltz Foods $uper $aver's Club. 
Secretary Of Agriculture Finally Gets Around To Reading Fast Food Nation #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Though insisting that she had been meaning to read Eric Schlosser's book Fast Food Nation ever since it was published in 2001, Secretary Of Agriculture Ann M. Veneman finally got around to doing so just this month. "Wow, I had no idea that commercial beef ranches packed so many head of cattle into such a small space," Veneman said Tuesday. "It's disgusting! And all that about the flavoring from animal products being used to make McDonald's french fries—that was a real eye-opener. Mark my words, something must be done." Veneman vowed that, upon completing Fast Food Nation, she will immediately go out and buy Rachel Carson's Silent Spring.
Israelis, Palestinians Agree To Share Headline #~# AQABA, JORDAN—In an agreement that marks a key first step in the Mideast news-piece process, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and new Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas pledged to share a two-state Israeli and Palestinian headline Monday. 
Sen. Frist Receives High Bid In White House Bachelor Auction #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The 85th Annual White House Bachelor Auction closed Monday night with an impressive $9,310 raised for leukemia research. By a clear margin, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) received the highest bid, netting an impressive $825. 
A Second Dose of Angels? I Must Be In Heaven! #~# Item! Are you "2" pumped to see Charlie's Angels 2: Full Frontal? In light of all the super-duds in this blockbuster summer, I sure was. I needed a dose of Drew Barrymore more than ever, with the one-two punch of Lucy Loo and the beautiful but deadly Carmen Diaz. And, just when I thought I couldn't take any more, I got Moore… Demi Moore! Let me tell you, she kicked "2" much butt all over the screen. 
Bush's African Tour #~# President Bush recently returned from a tour of Africa that supporters say signals U.S. commitment to tackling the continent's problems. What do you think?
Normally I Enjoy Your Pornographic Web Site, But This Time You've Gone Too Far #~# To the people at Sexxxotika.com, let me begin by saying that I thoroughly enjoy your pornographic web site. I have been a paying member since September, and since then have reveled in the graphic images of female nudity and hardcore sex. But I'm afraid this week your site went too far.
Ask The Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag #~# Help! My kitchen is turning into an Internet café. My husband and kids have started to haul out their laptops right at the breakfast table, checking their e-mail or finishing up homework before we all rush off in the morning. I admit that breakfast isn't an elaborate affair around here, but what happened to sitting down to a nice meal together? What's your opinion?
Lottery Winner An Inspiration To All Who Play The Lottery #~# SNELLVILLE, GA–After years of back-breaking ticket-buying, Teddy LeBarge's hard work finally paid off Monday, when the 36-year-old Snellville man won $193 million in the multi-state Mega Millions lottery, making him an inspiration to lottery players everywhere. 
Man With Shitty Job Just Doing This Until He Gets Fired #~# EULESS, TX–Sub Shack employee Rory Graser, 25, reported Monday that he plans to keep his shitty job as a sandwich prep cook "only until I get fired." "Making turkey hoagies isn't what I plan to be doing long-term," Graser said. "I'm just doing this until I've stolen enough food and treated the customers rudely enough that [Sub Shack manager] Barry [Wheaton] cans my ass." Pondering the time frame for his next career move, Graser said he hopes to get caught sweeping trash under the bread rack sometime in the next three to four months.
Millionaire Thinks Of Self As Upper-Middle Class #~# GROSSE POINT WOODS, MI–Jim Blakeley, 43, a Ford Motor Company executive with personal assets totalling roughly $5.5 million, described himself as "upper-middle class" Monday. "I guess I'm pretty well-off. I make a decent upper-middle-class living, but I'm certainly not what you'd call super-rich," said Blakeley, whose annual salary of $675,000 puts him in the top one-half of 1 percent of Americans. "I know plenty of people who make way more than I do, but I get by with what I have."
Midwesterners Descend On Insurance Company's Free Nail Files #~# CHICAGO–At the Chicago Home Expo Monday, throngs of voracious Midwesterners descended on the State Farm Insurance booth to grab free promotional nail files. "Look–they have the State Farm logo printed right on them," said Beth Hoffman, 37, a Zion, IL, mother of four, as she clutched a handful of the complimentary items. "I'll grab a few extra for Mom. I'm sure she could use a couple, too." The horde of freebie-seeking Midwesterners then moved on to the Century 21 real-estate booth, where they plundered a basket filled with free business cards that turn to sponges when dunked in water.
Summer Music Festivals #~# Summer's here, and that means it's time for music festivals. What are some of this year's big tours?
Here Are Reviews Of Some New Shit #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been left standing with my dick in the breeze by a whole lotta bullshit. For example, I had my hours cut at work. I asked if they were mad at me, and they said I drove people to and from the airport like a champ, but that business was slow. I told them to just fire me so I could get unemployment, but they said they wanted to keep me for when things get better. Now I gotta get a second job, which totally blows. I'd quit, but it's one of the best jobs I've ever had. 
Insecurities Laid Bare In Wal-Mart Shopping Cart #~# OWINGS MILLS, MD–The insecurities of Wal-Mart shopper Anita Dolger, 40, were laid painfully bare Monday, when her deepest fears and self-doubts manifested themselves in her purchasing choices. 
Is The Economy Turning Around? #~# The Dow recently passed 9,000 for the first time in nearly a year, raising hopes that the economy is finally poised for a turnaround. What do you think?
Giant Girl Forces Playthings Cheney And Rumsfeld To Wed #~# WASHINGTON, DC–The Bush Administration suffered another giant-girl-related setback Tuesday, when 60-foot-tall Alice Drury, 7, "married" Vice-President Dick Cheney to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld before a crowd of cowering White House staffers in the Rose Garden. 
Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month #~# WOODLAND HILLS, CA–Shape, the women's fitness magazine, has officially declared July "Let Yourself Go" Month. "You've toned those abs and burned the flab in time for bikini season… Now it's time for a meatball sandwich," wrote Shape editor-in-chief Barbara Harris in her 'From The Editor' column. "Come on, live a little. Don't be a tight-ass with a tight ass. Eat, lounge, and slouch your way to a happier, more satisfied you." Features in the issue include "Girth Equals Mirth: Six Sure-Fire Techniques For Broadening That Belly," "Wrinkles: The More You Have, The More You've Lived," and "Reduce Unwanted Stress By Not Giving A Fuck."
Kick-Ass Sales Proposal Written #~# FLAGSTAFF, AZ–Wayne Gorlin, 41, a sales associate for Air-izona Air Filtration Systems, has written a kick-ass sales proposal for the company's new line of Breathex air purifiers, sources reported Tuesday.
Woman Masturbates To Concept Of Commitment #~# PORTAGE, MI–Soaking in her bathtub Tuesday, area resident Linda Marston, 32, pleasured herself over the thought of a long-term committed relationship. "Mmmm… oh, yeah, baby… I want to settle down with you forever," moaned the never-married Marston, as she gently massaged her clitoris with two fingers. "Oh, God, yes… two kids, maybe three… and a house in the country. Big swingset in the backyard." Several hours later, Marston masturbated again to the idea of loving someone unconditionally through good times and bad.
Bush Asks Congress For $30 Billion To Help Fight War On Criticism #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the need to safeguard "America's most vital institutions and politicians" against potentially devastating attacks, President Bush asked Congress to sign off Monday on a $30 billion funding package to help fight the ongoing War On Criticism. 
Woman Doesn't Have Single Photo Where She's Not Hugging Someone #~# ST. CLOUD, MN—According to friends and coworkers, Krista Stoddard, 33, a St. Cloud-area paralegal, doesn't have a single photo of herself where she's not hugging someone. 
Security Guard Makes Passing Women Feel Unsafe #~# DALLAS—The presence of security guard Frank Basso, 45, at the Lane Bryant store in Dallas' Valley View Mall makes female shoppers feel significantly less safe, sources reported Monday. "He just stands there by the door, staring at you while you shop," said customer Tracy Farr, 23. "Then he'll decide to wander around the store a bit, but he'll always wind up hovering somewhere around the lingerie section." Farr said Basso also has a creepy habit of tapping his club whenever an attractive woman passes by.
Soldier Hoping We Invade Someplace Tropical Next #~# BAGHDAD, IRAQ—Sgt. Daniel Marshall, a member of the Army National Guard's 501st Infantry, is hoping that the next place he is ordered to invade has a tropical climate. "I'm proud to have served my country here in the Iraqi desert, but it sure would be nice if we got into a conflict with someplace nice," Marshall said Tuesday. "With any luck, President Bush is thinking about shocking-and-awing Cuba next—a little deep-sea fishing would really boost the morale of my men." Marshall said he is "so jealous" of his uncle Stephen, who got to invade Grenada in 1983.
Man Who Hasn't Moved In Six Hours Repeatedly Welcomed Back By TV #~# PADUCAH, KY—Despite not moving from his couch for more than six hours, Randy Kresge, 26, was repeatedly welcomed back by his television Monday. "Welcome back to Blind Date," said show host Roger Lodge, one of 12 different TV personalities to herald the return of the inert Kresge. "So glad you could join us." Kresge's obvious intention to remain seated did not keep the television from repeatedly urging him to "stick around."
Newsweek Editors Argue Over What To Make Readers Fear Next #~# NEW YORK—Having devoted cover stories to the threats of Hepatitis C, identity theft, and airport security, the editors of Newsweek spent Monday arguing over what they should stoke fears of next. "We could do the dangers of caffeine—that'd get people pretty worked up," managing editor Jon Meacham said. "Or how about daycare workers? There must be some alarming new study revealing just how few of them undergo background checks." Among the other ideas the editors proposed: the possible link between laptop computers and stomach cancer, the potential threat of water-supply poisoning by terrorists, and stunning new Biblical evidence pointing to April 4, 2004, as the date of the apocalypse.
Bowling-Alley Owner Wants TV Ad To Look 'More Matrix-y' #~# MENASHA, WI—After seeing the rough cut of his new TV commercial, Bob Dieber, 46, owner of Menasha Lanes, told the 30-second spot's creator to make it look "more Matrix-y," sources reported Tuesday. 
Pottermania Yet Again #~# With first-day sales of five million, Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix is a publishing phenomenon. Why are people buying it?
Minister Constantly Mentioning Teenage Son's Virginity #~# PENSACOLA, FL—Much to his son Paul's chagrin, minister Donald Genzler takes every possible opportunity to proudly inform members of Faith United Presbyterian Church that the 16-year-old is still a virgin, "unspoiled by sins of the flesh," sources reported Tuesday. 
It's Not Nice To Be Smarter Than Other People #~# I can't think of anything ruder than people who have to be all brainy and intelligent. As my mother used to say, if you can't say anything mundane, don't say anything at all. She was right: It's not nice to be smarter than other people. 
The Affirmative-Action Decision #~# Last week, the Supreme Court upheld the right of universities to keep admissions policies that incorporate race largely intact. What do you think?
Wisconsin Has Crush On Minnesota #~# MADISON, WI—After years of silent ardor, Wisconsin finally admitted Monday to having a serious crush on its neighbor Minnesota. "Dear Minnesota, I've been wanting to say this for a long time, but I've been too shy—I think you're cute," the Badger State wrote in a three-page letter it slipped under the door of the Minnesota State Capitol in St. Paul. "I think your Glacial Ridge Trail is so pretty. I'll be sitting between Illinois and Michigan if you want to talk to me." Minnesota, which harbors no romantic feelings for Wisconsin, is reportedly trying to figure out a polite way to let the state down easy.
I Can Beat The Price You're Paying For Sperm #~# Have I got a deal for you! 
Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts #~# UPTON, ME—In response to recent budget cuts, the National Science Foundation has reduced grants to individual recipients, including those of megalomaniacal researcher Dr. Edward Mortis of Brookhaven Laboratories. 
Public Urinator Gives Passerby Dirty Look #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—While walking past a house party on Tripoli Avenue early Sunday morning, Howard Lipner, 20, received a withering look from an unidentified public urinator. "He was taking a leak right there in the front yard, not even behind a bush, or garbage can, or anything," Lipner said. "And he gives me this look, like, 'What are you looking at? Can't you see I'm trying to take a piss?' As if it's my fault for walking on a public sidewalk while he's out there taking a leak, like the king of Sheba." Lipner assured reporters that he intentionally avoided looking at the urinator's penis, because he's "not some kind of perv."
Woman Only Dates On National Television Now #~# HOLLYWOOD—After stints on Temptation Island, The Bachelor, and For Love Or Money, 23-year-old bartender/model Angela Langdon announced Monday that she refuses to date anyone who's not courting her in a front of a national TV audience. "Unless there's the promise of a million-dollar payday, a romantic evening in the tropics, or a humiliating rejection in front of all of America, I'm not interested," Langdon told potential suitors. "Come with cameras, or don't come at all." Langdon also expressed a preference for network shows over those in syndication.
Japan Spotted Hovering Over Algeria #~# ALGIERS, ALGERIA—Japan continued to vex the world Monday, as numerous eyewitnesses saw the exotic and mysterious Pacific Rim country hovering over the mountainous coastal regions of Algeria. "I noticed it up there around noon," said Ahmed Boumediènne, a farmer whose land lay in the 1,744-mile shadow temporarily cast by the floating archipelago. "The schoolchildren were having a great time waving at it. But, when I came out after lunch, it was gone again. Must have moved on." Boumediènne added that no one was threatened by Japan's serene presence. As of press time, the Japanese islands were back in the Pacific Ocean.
Great Lover Also Great At Slinking Out #~# MANITOU SPRINGS, CO—According to a number of area women, the lovemaking abilities of the handsome and gregarious Ken Millagro are matched only by his ability to quietly slink out the door after a night of passion. "I'll spare you the details, but Ken was really, really good in the sack," 35-year-old Heather Yorgrau said Sunday, the morning after meeting Millagro at a friend's birthday party. "He was also really, really good at getting out of the sack without waking me up. He was absolutely amazing at not tripping over the shoes on the floor, leaving the noisy fan in the bathroom off, and quietly managing the locks on the front door." Millagro was unable to be found for comment.
The New Energy Bill #~# Congress is reworking legislation that addresses the nation's electricity transmission problems. What's in the new energy plan?
The Ten Commandments Ruling #~# State Supreme Court justices recently ordered that a Ten Commandments monument be removed from the Alabama Judicial Building. What do you think?
Horrified Teen Stumbles Upon Divorced Mom's Personal Ad #~# NEWTON, MA—Derek Friedman, 16, was "shocked and disgusted" Tuesday, when he discovered a personal ad posted by his mother Susan on the popular online dating service Match.com. 
No One Makes It To Burning Man Festival #~# GERLACH, NV—The Burning Man festival, a prominent artistic and countercultural event that draws tens of thousands of people to the Nevada desert annually, is in danger of cancellation this week because "no one had their shit together enough to even make it," organizers said Tuesday. 
Billy Crystal Passed Over... Again! #~# Item! According to my sources, the Emmys—the Oscars of television—are going to be hosted by no less than seven comedians. Before you get your hopes up, I checked, and none of the hosts will be funnyman Billy Crystal. Now, I ask you, the esteemed Academy, why waste a golden opportunity? I'm sure the other hosts are very funny, but have they proven themselves like Billy? I doubt it. 
Graphic Artist Carefully Assigns Ethnicities To Anthropomorphic Recyclables #~# PHILADELPHIA—Freelance graphic artist Chrissie Bellisle carefully delineated the ethnicities, genders, and sexual orientations of the RecyclaBuddies, a group of talking recyclables created for a public-service leaflet she submitted to the Department of Sanitation Monday.
Son In Iraq Or Something #~# VICKSBURG, MS—Fabric-store manager Bonnie Reedner told reporters Monday that her 18-year-old son, Pfc. Matthew Reedner, is "over there, fighting in Iraq, or something." "I guess he's stationed in Baghdad or Basra—some place beginning with a B," Reedner said. "I don't really know. I should check the return address on one of his letters. I think there's another one over on the microwave with the unopened mail." Though Reedner said she hopes for her son's safe return, she admitted she should probably pick up a newspaper one of these days to get an idea of when that might be.
Perhaps I've Been A Little Too Tough On Crime #~# As district attorney of Grand Rapids, I've got a lot of responsibility. This job keeps me running day and night. But with all the prosecuting and sentencing I've been doing lately, I've started to think that maybe I've been a little tough on crime.
U.N. Factoid-Finding Mission Discovers Liberia About The Size Of Tennessee #~# MONROVIA, LIBERIA—A U.N. factoid-finding mission sent to war-ravaged Liberia discovered that the West African nation is roughly the size of Tennessee, members of the U.S.-led team reported Tuesday. 
Criminal Mad That Man Called The Cops On Him #~# OAKLAND, CA—Ben Patton, arrested Monday, said he was angry that a passerby reported him to the police. "I'm minding my own fucking business, crowbarring the door off of a Radio Shack, and some punk drives by and calls 911 on his cell phone," Patton said. "If it was his car I was breaking into, I could see him getting involved, but this is bullshit." While in custody, Patton added that he wishes he had noted the color and model of the informant's car, so he could express his irritation to the driver in person.
Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again #~# ABERDEEN, WA—Volunteers at the Helping Heart Crisis Hotline announced Tuesday that Candice Knoff, 25, is on the phone with her attention-starved ex-boyfriend Tony Hewitt again. "Tony always calls right after he runs into Candy on the street," said Jeanne Teal, one of Knoff's coworkers. "He spends an hour going on and on about how he's been so depressed ever since they broke up, even though it's been like a year. I can always tell it's him, because Candy'll be over there rolling her eyes the entire call." According to the other volunteers, Hewitt has called the hotline at least once a week for the past year, except in March and April when he was dating a waitress he met in Olympia.
Woman Assures Friend She Has Blackouts From Drinking All The Time #~# COLUMBUS, OH—When Yolanda Franks expressed concern that friend Becky O'Neill couldn't remember the second half of an apartment-warming party Saturday, O'Neill assured her that she has blackouts all the time. "It's no big deal," O'Neill said Tuesday. "Sure, I had a bit too much too drink, but I got to work Monday fine. No need to worry." O'Neill added that she just shakes off her frequent blackouts, as she does the occasional unplanned pregnancy.
Bob Hope Happy To See So Many Troops In Heaven #~# HEAVEN—Recently deceased entertainer Bob Hope announced Monday that he was happy to be reunited with the millions of U.S. troops currently stationed in Paradise, many of whom he entertained during his 50-year career. "It sure brings a smile to my face to see all you proud men and women in uniform," Hope said. "Let's hope the food is better here than it was in the mess tent." Turning to the Pearly Gates, Hope gave a thumbs-up to a soldier killed Monday in a guerrilla attack 20 miles west of Baghdad.
Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Pointing to massive war-time tax cuts, physicians from the Congressional Budget Office diagnosed President Bush with attention-to-deficit disorder Tuesday. "The president exhibits all the symptoms of ATDD: impulsiveness, restlessness, inability to focus on mounting U.S. debt likely to reach $400 billion by the year's end," Dr. Terrence Spellman said. "Failing to address his affliction could lead to serious long-term fiscal health problems for future generations of Americans." To treat the president's ATDD, Spellman prescribed Ritalin and an introductory course in high-school economics.
Canadian Prescription Drugs #~# Major drug manufacturers are attempting to stop Canadian pharmacies from selling discounted prescription drugs to Americans. What do you think?
Gay TV #~# Gay-themed television series like Bravo's Queer Eye For The Straight Guy and Boy Meets Boy are popular with mainstream audiences. What's the appeal?
Precocious 6-Year-Old Claims Berenstain Bears Book Changed Her Life #~# LITCHFIELD PARK, AZ—Since reading The Berenstain Bears Get The Gimmies last month, 6-year-old Melody Johnson has lived a changed life, the above-average reader reported Monday. 
I Have An iPod–'In My Mind' #~# I'm sure you've seen a lot of tech-savvy people smugly showing off that new hunk of entertainment hardware, the iPod personal stereo. Well, I might not have the scratch to get one, but frankly, I don't want the white-corded wonder. I have my very own iPod—in my mind.
I'm Not One Of Those People Who Goes Around Having Fun #~# So, you're all going out tonight after work for a few drinks at the bar down the street? Well, thanks for the invite, but no, thanks. Fraternization with coworkers may be fun, but let me make one thing clear: I'm not one of those people who goes around having fun.
Woman Proud Of Horrible Tan #~# PORTAGE, WI—Local resident Stacy Nielsen takes great pride in her deep, dark, horrible suntan, the 28-year-old sales associate revealed Tuesday.
Public Speaking Tips #~# Speaking in public can be a nerve-wracking experience.
News Anchor Wonders Where All These Great Stories Come From #~# SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Midway through a story about new evidence in an unsolved area homicide, KTVX news anchor John Reesen wondered aloud where all the great stories come from. "Yet another gripping investigative report, right here on KTVX," said Reesen, during Tuesday's News At Ten. "Wow. Who comes up with this news?" Reesen posed a similar question to weatherman Gary Yount, wondering who could possibly know all that science stuff.
Republicans Introduce Economic Equality Bill For Fun Of Shooting It Down #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Republicans in the House of Representatives proposed H.R. 2093: the Economic Equality Initiative, with the express purpose of shooting it down "just for kicks" Tuesday. "H.R. 2093 will level the economic playing field, spreading the wealth among the rich and poor," said Majority Whip Tom DeLay (R-TX), visibly fighting back snickers. "We must pass this bill to stop the fat cats from getting fatter while the average Joe struggles to make ends meet. Also, I'm the Queen of Bavaria." Following 10 minutes of uproarious laughter, the congressmen stepped out of the chamber to smoke cigars lit with a bill that would allocate $115 million to clean up hazardous waste sites.
Avid Fisherman Forever Ruins Fishing For Son #~# MANKATO, MN—Thanks to his nitpicking, impatience, and insistence on absolute silence in the boat, avid angler Don Gillespie, 41, forever ruined fishing for his 10-year-old son Douglas Tuesday. "No, no, no—you're casting all wrong," said a visibly seething Gillespie after Douglas' line landed a mere three feet from the stern of the rowboat. "Forget it! Just let me do it, and I'll hand you the rod afterward." Douglas was further put off fishing when his father threw back the only fish the boy caught all day because it was not big enough.
Last Great Party Of Life To Result In First Child #~# LAKE CHARLES, LA—Unbeknownst to him, 27-year-old Ron DuPree attended the last great party of his life Saturday, as a 3 a.m. coupling with girlfriend Tamara Harris will result in a child nine months from now. "That was the best party ever," DuPree said to friends on Monday, oblivious to the seed of life now growing in his soon-to-be-wife's womb. "I was so wasted! God, Tamara and I have to start getting out on the weekends again." In addition to enjoying his last great party, DuPree will also soon bid farewell to liquor, cigarettes, and most of his current friendships.
Hussein Family Can't Bear To Throw Out Uday's Favorite Nutsack Shocker #~# AWJA, IRAQ—Relatives, sorting through boxes at Uday Hussein's home Tuesday, couldn't bear to discard one of the deceased tyrant's favorite torture devices. "Oh, how Uday loved his electric nutsack shocker," said Uday's uncle Karim Suleiman al-Majid, as he sifted through a box of clamps, cables, saws, and 8-volt batteries. "And here's that trusty little knife he would use to dig eyeballs out of their sockets." Al-Majid said he is sure that Uday would have wanted his favorite cousin Nawaf to have the roll of flensing wire.
Prisoner Claims Cell Block D Was Much Cooler Two Years Ago #~# JOLIET, IL—Citing an increase in "leg humpers and peter-gazing diddlers," Joliet Corrections Center inmate Joseph J. Romans told reporters Monday that Cell Block D is not as cool as it used to be. 
This Job Isn't Nearly As Exciting As The DeVry Institute Led Me To Believe #~# When I was 18 or so, I used to watch Ricki Lake on Channel 9 every afternoon. During the commercial breaks, I always saw ads for the DeVry Institute Of Technology. One ad featured a group of mostly male students eagerly crowded around a single computer in a fluorescent-lit classroom, on the fast track to earning their degrees. Another ad showed a recent DeVry graduate striding into a windowless block of an office building like he had the world by the tail. Everyone looked ready to dive into a high-paying career, and I wanted that for myself. I was hypnotized by the fast-growing field of technology. But now, 12 years later, I'm stuck in a job that's not nearly as exciting as the one the DeVry commercials led me to expect. 
Internet Social Networks #~# Friend-matching web sites like Friendster.com are gaining in popularity. What's the appeal?
Humanitarian Aid Check Blown Before It Arrives #~# LILONGWE, MALAWI—A much-needed humanitarian aid check from the United Nations to Malawi was "totally blown" by the beleaguered Southern African nation before the actual payment arrived, government officials admitted Tuesday. 
You Gotta Be Careful With Fireworks #~# Hola, amigos. You all right? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been in constant motion, dodging all the crap life's been shoveling my way. I had to put my car out to pasture, because the door fell off. I would've just re-attached it, but it was all rusted out, and I didn't want to fall out of my car while I was doing 75. Besides, the engine had about 170,000 miles on it and a bad knock. I'll be damned if I was going to replace the engine on an '88 Ford Festiva. 
Confused Americans Seek Steady No. 1 At Box Office #~# LOS ANGELES—Unsettled by U.S. military action abroad and economic struggles at home, Americans say they are desperate for the stability of an unchanging number-one movie at the box office. 
The First Gay Bishop #~# The Rev. V. Gene Robinson recently won confirmation as the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church, prompting protests and walk-outs. What do you think?
Rise In Teen Sexual Activity Comes As Surprise To Area Teen #~# SALEM, OR—The Alan Guttmacher Institute released a report Friday that showed a dramatic increase in teen sexual activity, a finding that surprised policy-makers, public-health professionals, and 17-year-old Tom Ellis. 
Gary Busey Nearly Drowns Recovering Pork Chop From Swimming Pool #~# LOS ANGELES—Actor Gary Busey was flown from his Malibu home to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center after he nearly drowned trying to retrieve a pork chop from the bottom of his swimming pool Tuesday. "We're eating on the patio, and Gary suddenly shouts, 'Let's have dinner in the pool!' and starts throwing baby red potatoes and hunks of meat into the water," said Lupo Risinger, Busey's friend and next-door neighbor. "Well, the pork chop he threw sank like a stone, and—you know Gary—he wouldn't come up for air until he had that sucker in his teeth." Busey is currently listed in "marginally stable" condition.
Former President Carter To Be Tried For Peace Crimes #~# GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—An international peace-crimes tribunal commenced legal proceedings against former U.S. President Jimmy Carter for alleged crimes against inhumanity Monday. 
Drug Deal Goes Great #~# MIAMI—An exchange of five grams of cocaine for an undisclosed amount of cash "went off without a hitch" in Bayfront Park Monday night. "When I went to the park to buy some blow, I never expected anything bad to happen," said a 30-year-old drug buyer who identifed himself as John. "It didn't. I got some really good stuff, the guy didn't gyp me, and the whole thing only took, like, three minutes." Kold Kim, an area dealer, agreed with John, adding that the entire exchange was "cool."
Vice President Of Making Your Job Harder Given Raise #~# NEW YORK—According to the buzz around the office, Hank, the Vice-President Of Making Your Job Harder, received a sizable raise Tuesday. "Goddamn it," you said to yourself. "All Hank does around here is screw things up so bad that I have to stay late and fix them. Then he shows up in the morning and rides my ass when things aren't done." At this rate, you decided, you'll never get promoted from the position of Assistant Vice-President Of Cleaning Up Other People's Messes And Never Getting Any Goddamn Credit.
Half-Asleep Man Pauses 20 Minutes Between Socks #~# SANDPOINT, ID—Seated on the edge of his bed, Carl Thompson, 38, paused for 20 minutes with one sock on his foot and the other in his hand Tuesday. "Ugh, tired," said Thompson, who was otherwise silent from 6:30 to 6:50 a.m. During that period, Thompson stared at the wall and teetered perilously close to a reclining position six times.
Milkshake Almost Ruined By Breakup #~# MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Local woman Janice Garnecki's blueberry milkshake was nearly ruined Tuesday when boyfriend Timothy Stover announced he was ending their relationship. "Six months together, and now he says he wants to see other people," a distraught Garnecki said immediately after the breakup, but before taking a long sip of her mouth-watering shake. "How could he do this to me? Doesn't he care? This is made with premium ice cream, isn't it?" Garnecki said she plans to spend the day crying on her best friend's shoulder and licking her fingers.
Nation's Toddlers Critically Under-Photographed, Says U.S. Aunt Coalition #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a desire to more closely monitor the growth of U.S. nieces and nephews, the National Coalition of Aunts denounced the severe under-photographing of the nation's precious toddlers Tuesday. 
Embattled Liberia #~# The Bush administration is still unsure what role the U.S. military should play in war-ravaged Liberia. What do you think?
Loser Can't Even Get Wife Pregnant #~# MARSHFIELD, WI—After three years of trying, pathetic loser Ron Dreschel can't even get his wife Marisa pregnant, sources at the Marshfield Clinic reported Tuesday. "Ha, poor Ronny Dreschel can't even knock up his own old lady!" fertility counselor Derek Vojtik said. "What's the matter? Problems with sperm motility?" Dreschel was unavailable for comment.
Loser Can't Even Get Wife Pregnant #~# MARSHFIELD, WI—After three years of trying, pathetic loser Ron Dreschel can't even get his wife Marisa pregnant, sources at the Marshfield Clinic reported Tuesday. "Ha, poor Ronny Dreschel can't even knock up his own old lady!" fertility counselor Derek Vojtik said. "What's the matter? Problems with sperm motility?" Dreschel was unavailable for comment.
The Davis Recall #~# California Gov. Gray Davis faces a recall election Oct. 7. What are the voters' complaints?
Everything On Menu So Tempting #~# CHILLICOTHE, OH—Absolutely everything—everything—on the Cedar Tree Family Restaurant menu is so tempting that diners are going to be hard-pressed to stay on their diets, customers reported Monday. 
Get Ready, Folks, 'Cause This Is The Greatest Late-To-Work Excuse You've Ever Heard #~# Okay, people. You are not going to believe why I'm late today. Sheila? Come on in here. Sorry about this, but you gotta get in here. Shondra? Harold? Can you hear me over there? Maybe you should move a little closer. Get Emmelyn in here, too. I don't want anyone to miss this. In fact, get Colleen on speaker phone. She's going to love this. 
Kobe Bryant's Fantasy-Team Coach 'Saddened' By Allegations #~# CAPE MAY, NJ—Steven Woods, a claims adjuster with Midland Insurance and coach of the Midland Maniacs fantasy basketball team, announced Monday that he is "deeply saddened" by the sexual-assault allegations leveled against his team's star guard, Kobe Bryant. 
Kobe Bryant's Fantasy-Team Coach 'Saddened' By Allegations #~# CAPE MAY, NJ—Steven Woods, a claims adjuster with Midland Insurance and coach of the Midland Maniacs fantasy basketball team, announced Monday that he is "deeply saddened" by the sexual-assault allegations leveled against his team's star guard, Kobe Bryant. 
I'm Sorry, But I Only Date Men My Friends Are Afraid Might Kill Me #~# Listen, Doug, you seem like a really nice guy. You're even kind of cute, in a well-adjusted sort of way. All in all, you seem really harmless, and that's the problem. I'm looking for someone with that special something that makes my friends worry I might suddenly disappear without a trace and never be heard from again. 
Canada, India Sheepishly Resolve Border Dispute #~# OTTAWA—Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien and Indian President Abdul Kalam held a subdued press conference in the Canadian Capitol building Monday to announce that the two nations have peacefully and sheepishly resolved a dispute over their common border. 
Double-Entendre Doesn't Stand Up To Scrutiny #~# BALTIMORE—Though the risqué comment provoked giggles from coworkers, a double-entendre made by Natural Land Foods cashier Don Mallard Monday failed to hold up upon examination, linguistics expert Randolph Cox said. "The group was thoroughly pleased when Don told Gary [Pickard], 'I'll bet you'll water her plants while she's away,'" Cox said. "But let's look at the phrase 'while she's away.' If she's not physically present, how could sexual relations occur between Gary and his attractive young female neighbor?" Cox called Mallard's attempt at wordplay "a good try."
Tenants Forced To Clean Apartment Before Telling Landlord About Mice #~# BILLINGS, MT—The three roommates residing at 320 Sycamore Ave. #4 were forced to thoroughly clean up their living space before they could inform landlord George Hayton that it was infested with mice, the tenants said Tuesday. "We don't want slumlord George acting like the mice are our fault," said Keith Paucek, 20, as he hauled four garbage bags to the curb. "He's just the kind of guy to make some comment about there being three weeks' worth of dishes in the sink." Paucek last avoided the landlord's criticism by removing the grill and charred couch before asking him to replace the porch.
Area Woman Can't Bring Herself To Pardon Store's Appearance #~# THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Despite the prominent sign posted outside a Nordstrom department store asking shoppers to "Pardon Our Appearance," Gina Calvert, 56, could not bring herself to do so Monday. "This is inexcusable," Calvert said. "There are exposed beams and hastily built temporary walls everywhere I look. I'm sorry, but this is just too far out of line." Calvert said she will take her business to Macy's until Nordstrom begins to show its customers some respect.
Church, State Joyfully Reunite After 230-Year Trial Separation #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Following a two-and-a-quarter-century-long trial separation, Church and State reunited in the U.S. Department of Justice press room Monday. "Even through all the bad times, I knew there had to be a way to get these two old friends back together," Attorney General John Ashcroft said. "With a little counseling and faith-based intervention, I knew Church and State would work it out. It was meant to be." Effective Oct. 15, prayer will be mandatory in public schools and congressional sessions will open with Holy Communion.
Should Arafat Be Removed? #~# Many see Palestinian President Yasser Arafat as a roadblock to Mideast peace. What do you think?
Personal Magnet-ism #~# What do the following things have in common: a witch on a broomstick, a smiling carrot, a pig wearing a chef's hat, Tweety Bird, a vase of violets, a clam with googly eyes, a genie, Mr. Peanut, and a butterfly with plastic wings? No, they're not the names on the roster of some crazy baseball team. They're all magnets on the trusty Teasdale refrigerator!  
Ben And J-Lo Break Up #~# Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are rumored to have split. What are the reasons?
Actress Excited To Land Eating-Disorder Ad #~# NEW YORK—Actress Bianca Astor, 22, was excited to be cast in the role of a woman who suffers from anorexia nervosa for a filmed public-service announcement Monday. 
U.S. Government To Discontinue Long-Term, Low-Yield Investment In Nation's Youth #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to streamline federal financial holdings and spur growth, Treasury Secretary John Snow announced Monday that the federal government will discontinue its long-term, low-yield investment in the nation's youth. 
U.S. Invades Non-Oil-Rich Nation To Dispel Criticism #~# LUXEMBOURG VILLE, LUXEMBOURG—In an effort to quiet criticism of U.S. military policy, 50,000 U.S. troops invaded and soundly defeated the non-oil-rich Grand Duchy of Luxembourg Monday. "Once again, the U.S. claims victory over a rogue nation," said President Bush after the 45-minute war. "The people of Luxembourg, although prosperous and living in peace, have suffered under the tyranny of a monarchy for centuries. And allow me to point out that Luxembourg has not one drop of crude oil." Troops will return home Friday, following the public hanging of Grand Duke Henri de Luxembourg.
I Assume My Reputation For Arrogant Presumption Precedes Me #~# Okay, everyone, I'd like to begin. We're running rather late because I just showed up. Although I'm aware that you've all been standing around waiting for me for at least an hour, now that I'm here, it's me being inconvenienced. So, if you'll all please take your seats immediately—pronto, people!  
Idaville Detective 'Encyclopedia' Brown Found Dead In Library Dumpster #~# IDAVILLE, FL—Police are currently investigating the death of police detective Leroy "Encyclopedia" Brown, 49, whose body was discovered in a Dumpster behind the Idaville Public Library Monday.
Supreme Court Gets Free Box Of Shoes After Mentioning Nike In Ruling #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The nine justices of the U.S. Supreme Court were treated to a free crate of athletic shoes Monday, following an offhand mention of Nike during a ruling in the case of McBrayer & Company v. The City Of Detroit. "All I did was say that the claims made by the defendant were similar to those made by Nike when defending labor conditions in its Asian footwear factories," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said. "Next thing you know, we get this big box of red Air Zoom Spiridons in the mail. Inside the box was a form letter from Nike's publicist. Sweet!" The Supreme Court will begin its new session Oct. 6, with Case 03-130: Sony High-Definition Widescreen Televisions v. Fossil Sterling Silver Multifunction Watches v. Bombay Sapphire Gin.
Change In Bus Seats Taken Personally #~# ST. LOUIS—Bus passenger Dan Pohl was offended by 26-year-old fellow rider Lana Peters Monday when she moved from the bus seat beside him to a seat closer to the door. "What? I'm not good enough to sit next to?" Pohl thought. "Go on and move then." Peters was unavailable for comment, as she exited the bus at the next stop.
FDA Approves Sale Of Prescription Placebo #~# WASHINGTON, DC—After more than four decades of testing in tandem with other drugs, placebo gained approval for prescription use from the Food and Drug Administration Monday. 
School Friends Don't Find Camp Songs Funny #~# SIOUX FALLS, SD—Friends of fourth-grader Kendra Tyler failed to find her songs about Eagle Waters Junior Camp funny, 9-year-old classmate Tanya O'Doole reported Monday. "Kendra kept singing this one song that sounds like 'Camptown Races,' but it's about some guy named Counselor Bob," O'Doole said. "She was acting like it was so great, but it didn't even make any sense. I mean, what's a Prospect Peak, anyway?" Tyler's friends were similarly uninterested in doing the Eagle Wing Dance.
Indian-American Couple's Accent Makes Fight Adorable #~# SAN DIEGO—A witness to an argument between Indian-Americans Soumitra and Vineeta Chattergee reported Monday that she thoroughly enjoyed the vicious fight. "They were at each other's throats, arguing about which one wrote the check that caused an overdraft," said eyewitness Shelly Knight, who was delighted by the heated exchange while standing in line at Citibank. "Usually, I can't stand it when couples go at it in public, but that accent made them sound so cute." Knight added that she was slightly disappointed when Soumitra stormed out.
Revised Patriot Act Will Make It Illegal To Read Patriot Act #~# WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush spoke out Monday in support of a revised version of the 2001 USA Patriot Act that would make it illegal to read the USA Patriot Act. "Under current federal law, there are unreasonable obstacles to investigating and prosecuting acts of terrorism, including the public's access to information about how the federal police will investigate and prosecute acts of terrorism," Bush said at a press conference Monday. "For the sake of the American people, I call on Congress to pass this important law prohibiting access to itself." Bush also proposed extending the rights of states to impose the death penalty "in the wake of Sept. 11 and stuff."
The Ban On Travel To Cuba #~# The House of Representatives recently voted to end the decades-old restriction prohibiting travel to Cuba. What do you think?
Ask A Man Who's Had One Hell Of A Long Day #~# My roommate and I have been best friends since college, but lately she's been getting on my nerves! Although we've happily shared an apartment for years, I'm starting to think we need some time apart. How can I break the news that I want to get a new roommate without hurting her feelings?
Mother-Daughter Heart-To-Heart Devolves Into Bitching About Dad #~# GARBERVILLE, CA—A frank discussion of dating gave Elizabeth Kurden and her 15-year-old daughter Claire an opportunity to discuss the failings of husband and father James Monday. 
I Totally Outlived Jesus #~# Well, as you know by now, today's my birthday. A big happy birthday to me! Oh, yeah! Everyone knows what this day means: Pabst Blue Ribbon pitchers at the  Fuzzy Duck Inn. This year, I better see you there, because this isn't going to be just any birthday celebration. This year, my birthday will be a deeply meaningful, almost humbling occasion. See, I'm turning 34. That means I totally outlived Jesus! 
D.C. Once Again Murder Capital, Mayor Brags #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Washington Mayor Anthony Williams bragged Monday that, after nearly a decade, the city has resumed its rightful place as the U.S. murder capital. 
Eco-Vandalism #~# The Earth Liveration Front recently made headlines by defacing SUVs. What other ations have radical environmentalists taken to further their cause?
History Of Rock Written By The Losers #~# BOSTON—Fifty years after its inception, rock 'n' roll music remains popular due to the ardor of its fans and the hard work of musicians, producers, and concert promoters. But in the vast universe of popular music, there exists an oft-overlooked group of dedicated individuals who devote their ample free time to collecting, debating, and publishing the minutiae of the rock genre. They are the losers who write rock's rich and storied history.
Take-Charge, Can-Do Guy Makes Horrible Decisions #~# BOSTON—Matthew Stuart, an enthusiastic 33-year-old junior executive at Boston Tea Market, Inc., gets things done quickly, confidently, and terribly, sources at the tea supplier said Monday. 
45-Year-Old Fails To Make Someone Very Happy One Day #~# NEW MEADOWS, ID—In spite of predictions to the contrary, Larry Naering, a 45-year-old research scientist, has failed to make someone very happy one day, his mother Nancy reported Monday. "He's always been such a handsome, responsible boy," said Nancy, who used to look forward to having grandchildren. "I always told him that some girl was going to discover a real hidden treasure if she took the time to look at him. I guess I was wrong." Nancy said her son's chances of finding that one-in-a-million love have dwindled to one in 50 billion.
New Desk Chair A Boring Dream Come True #~# BUCKLIN, KS—The arrival of a royal-blue Global Armless Task Chair at Allstate Insurance Monday marked an extremely mundane "dream come true" for human-resources aide Patty Keely. "I so love my life," said a giddy Keely, 31, without a shred of irony. "I've been wanting a chair with wheels for so long, but I never thought [office manager] Don [Frissel] would get me one. Now my chair won't make that horrible scraping sound every time I stand up to file something. Yes!" Now that she has a new desk chair, Keely said she fantasizes about one day buying a Chevrolet Cavalier or visiting her cousin in Branson, MO.
Woman Assures You She's Not Mad #~# CASPER, WY—Your girlfriend of four months, University Xerox employee Rebecca Kohler, assured you Monday that she was "not mad" about being unable to reach you on the phone Saturday night, even though you said you would probably be home. "For the last time, I'm not angry at you, goddamnit!" a furious Kohler said. "Christ, are you trying to make me mad?" The perfectly fine Kohler then proceeded to violently three-hole-punch stacks of photocopies and explain to her coworker, Annabelle Agneau, that the only person she was mad at was herself, for having thought you might be different.
Obituary Cites Teen's Love Of Music, Cars #~# PHOENIX—Patrick Pryde, beloved 17-year-old son of Charles and Elizabeth, loved music and cars, the Phoenix Gazette reported on page D-18 Monday. "Patrick's enthusiasm and passion for life touched all who knew him," the obituary read. "Whether waiting in line overnight for Kid Rock tickets or checking his car's oil level, Patrick showed an unshakable determination and insatiable curiosity, both of which will forever live on in our hearts and minds." Other items mentioned as being loved by Pryde included video games, the Internet, and cable television.
White House Denied Third Mortgage #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In light of recent budget concerns, President and Mrs. Bush attempted to take out a third mortgage on the White House Monday, but were denied. "Unfortunately, we're unable to serve the president's needs at this time," Washington Mutual loan officer Judy Schamanski told reporters. "Within the next 30 days, Mr. Bush will receive an adverse-action notice in the mail, which will outline the specific reasons for the denial. But, for starters, I would suggest that he get current on his second mortgage before he even considers a third." Schamanski added that Bush is more than welcome to reapply in the future, should his credit profile improve.
U.S. Seeks Help In Iraq #~# In a U.N. resolution last week, the U.S. sought troops and money from all nations to aide in Iraq's postwar reconstruction. What do you think?
Impending Mortality Influences Area Senior's Purchasing Habits #~# INDEPENDENCE, MO—Grace Hoagland's purchasing habits are increasingly influenced by her sense of impending mortality, sources close to the 73-year-old reported Tuesday.  
Daddy H. Day Care #~# Yo, this is foe tha day-care peeps who tend to mah shortie, Baby Prince H Tha Stone Col' Dopest Biz-ook-kizeepin' Muthafuckin' Badass Supastar Kornfeld Tha Second. (His mama call him Tanner, but she a bitch.) 
FBI Discontinues Witness Protection Parade #~# WASHINGTON, DC—FBI director Robert S. Mueller III announced Monday that, due to logistical complications and a lack of interest among participants, the annual Witness Protection Parade will be cancelled "for the foreseeable future." 
Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them #~# WASHINGTON, DC—After decades of antagonism between the two global powers, the U.S. has officially severed relations with Them, Bush administration officials announced Tuesday. 
Well, Well, Well–If It Isn't A Family-Owned Retailer #~# Well, well, well—lookee here. If it isn't a small, family-owned retailer. How quaint. 
Back-To-School Supplies #~# Schools are back in session across the country. What supplies are teachers recommending students bring?
Hope Fades For Survivors In 1999 Turkish Earthquake #~# IZMIT, TURKEY—Rescuers acknowledged that hope is fading in the search for additional survivors of the massive earthquake that hit the area Tuesday, Aug. 17, 1999. "Tens of thousands of victims were pinned under the wreckage when the many poorly constructed three- and four-story commercial and residential buildings in the region collapsed in the quake," city official Demitri Psaropoulos said Monday. "Sadly, the sweltering heat and lack of water make survival chances slim for anyone still trapped in the rubble." The official death toll from the devastating earthquake reached 17,000 in November 1999.
Jerky Boys Accidentally Prank-Call Last Remaining Fan #~# NEW YORK—Infamous crank phone-callers Johnny G. Brennan and Kamal Ahmed, better known as the Jerky Boys, unknowingly pranked 22-year-old videostore employee Jake Matson, their last remaining fan, Tuesday. "Hello, this is Frank Rizzo," said Brennan. "I'm throwing a bachelor party and I wanna come over there and rent some smutty animal videos. What kind you got there, sizzle-chest?" Matson, who, unlike his peers, still listens to his Jerky Boys CDs regularly, instantly recognized Brennan's voice and begged him to do a few seconds of Saul Rosenberg.
Suburbanite Shocked By Poor Condition Of Urban Mall #~# DEER PARK, TX—Forced to pick up a pair of shoes from a Famous Footwear at Sharpstown Mall in Houston Monday, stay-at-home mother Linda Hendrikson, 31, was reportedly shocked by the mall's condition. "It was just so sad," Hendrikson said. "The floors were dirty, the shoes were in disarray, and there didn't seem to be any management. I just can't imagine what it would be like to shop under those conditions every day." Hendrikson said she has more sympathy for the plight of the city's poor after witnessing their mall firsthand.
State Appoints Obviously Hungover Attorney #~# INDIANAPOLIS, IN—The State of Indiana appointed a nauseated Bill Fenniman, Esq., as legal counsel to suspected arsonist Tom Shilue Monday. "I reviewed your case, and I'd advise you that, since this is your first offense, that… ooh, man," said Fenniman, shielding his eyes from the fluorescent lights in the room. "Listen, why don't you just plead guilty? You're guilty, right?" Fenniman asked to be excused before the pretrial hearing so that he could grab some juice and a quick nap.
High U.S. Incarceration Rates #~# The Justice Department reports that one in every 37 U.S. adults has been in prison, giving our nation the highest incarceration rate in the world. What do you think?
America's Best Zoo Exhibits #~# A trip to the zoo is fun and education for the entire family. Here's a list of the top-rated animal exhibits around the country: 
Hog Executed Farmland Style #~# GRUNDY CENTER, IA—Police are investigating the vicious farmland slaying of a prize hog whose methodically gutted corpse was discovered Tuesday in the barn of local livestock farmer Lyle Whitman. "It appears the hit was done with a large butcher knife or some similar cutting implement," said Grundy County Deputy Keith Angrim at a press conference Tuesday. "The hog was hung by its feet with its belly sliced open and its head removed. In addition, all the blood had been drained from the animal's body, and its internal organs were missing." Given the meticulous but brutal nature of the killing, Angrim said he believes the hog was "taken out by a professional."
Living Out Of Your Car Is A Dying Art #~# In the past 20 years, I've lived in nine different homes and 14 different cities. No, I'm not some fancy millionaire who jets around from place to place. I don't even own a suit for funerals. Rather, I'm one of a dying breed. I live out of my car, and I do it with pride.  
The Shuttle Columbia Report #~# Last week's report by the Columbia Accident Investigation Board contained recommendations to improve the safety of future NASA missions. Among the suggestions:
New Roommate Has Lots Of Big Redecorating Ideas #~# LAS CRUCES, NM—Dave Beckman, the newest tenant of a three-bedroom apartment in the Lincoln Crest complex, has offered numerous redecorating tips "to make the place more livable," long-time inhabitants Andrew Kiely and Marcus Linkater said Monday.
'Six Flags Killer' Still At Large, Say Souvenir-Bedecked Police #~# GURNEE, IL—Local authorities continue to search Gurnee's Great America theme park for a criminal dubbed "The Six Flags Killer," souvenir-laden police reported Monday.
Tanzania Loses Name To Tanning-Salon Chain #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—The country formerly known as the United Republic of Tanzania has lost the use of its name to Tampa-based Tanzania Tanning Salons, the Florida Supreme Court ruled Monday.
I'll Thank You Not To Call My Collection Of Sequential-Art Erotica 'Dirty Comics' #~# I've been called many unfair names in my day, Grygor, but I never imagined that someone I consider a friend would label me an "onanist" before the entire Animatrix-message-board community. The personal attack was beneath the dignity of an erstwhile standard-bearer of the fan community. I'll thank you, Grygor, to discontinue forthwith your practice of referring to the works contained in my collection of sequential-art erotica as "dirty comics."
Entire Fourth-Grade Class Hates Jeremy Halcote #~# MUNCIE, IN—The entire fourth-grade class, everyone from Ashley Amberson to Corey Zoellner, hates Jeremy Halcote, sources at John Tyler Elementary School revealed Tuesday.
Neverland Evidence #~# Thirty-nine items seized from Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch were recently admitted as evidence in pre-trial hearings for his upcoming child-molestation case. What were some of the items?
Pope John Paul II: 25 Years Of Laughs #~# VATICAN CITY—As Pope John Paul II enters his 26th year as pontiff, the world is stopping to reflect on the legendary funnyman's career as one of the most influential performers in modern history. Standing staunchly against contraception and women's equality right through the turn of the 21st century, the pope and his quirky, deadpan comic persona still entertain audiences around the world. 
Nursing-Home Residents Mate In Captivity #~# COLBY, KS—Following six months of failed attempts under intense observation by geriatric scientists, Briarwood Nursing Home residents Horace Klass, 86, and Helen Veukmaan, 83, successfully mated in captivity Monday. "As with most new arrivals to Briarwood, Horace and Helen at first seemed despondent," Briarwood's Dr. William Stander said. "Before long, though, they grew accustomed to their new habitat, and Horace soon felt comfortable enough to approach Helen. Indeed, Horace ultimately proved quite aggressive." Briarwood employees report that, after mating, Klass provided Veukmaan with half a box of windmill cookies. 
Area Man Wins Conversation #~# KING MILLS, OH—A friendly chat about the weather resulted in victory for Daniel Cooper Wednesday, as a brilliant and well-timed rebuttal from the 36-year-old pastry chef devastated his opponent. "Yeah, well, if this is the heaviest rain we've had in years, then I guess I hallucinated my basement flooding last July," Cooper said, deftly parrying his coworker Colin Garrison's challenge. "This rain is nothing." Wordlessly acknowledging Cooper's superiority, Garrison slinked back to the cooler, defeated.
Katie Couric Winces At Word 'Vagina' #~# NEW YORK—Today host Katie Couric noticeably winced at mention of the word "vagina" during an interview with National Ovarian Cancer Foundation spokeswoman Janette Pruce Monday. "I understand that it's important to raise awareness and promote early detection, which is why I was happy to have [Pruce] on the show," a flustered Couric said after the interview. "I just didn't expect her to come right out and say the 'V' word." An intern on the show said that Couric hadn't appeared that uncomfortable since walking in on one of the Dixie Chicks breastfeeding.
More Than $30 Worth Of Burned CDs Stolen From Residence #~# ALBUQUERQUE—Police are still not investigating a burglary at the Watson Avenue apartment of George Kinney, who reported the theft of more than 300 CDRs, with an estimated value of $32. "It looks like the bastard dropped down onto my back balcony from the neighbor's roof," Kinney said Monday. "Goddammit. I spent hours burning all those CDs." Kinney was the victim of a similar crime in June 2001, when someone broke into his YMCA locker and stole his Diet Pepsi Twist promotional duffel bag, which contained a copy of USA Today.
U.S. Upset After Aliens Land In Italy #~# WASHINGTON, DC—White House press secretary Scott McClellan issued a statement Monday expressing disappointment "on behalf of all Americans" that alien envoys from the planet Xygal 8B made their historic first landing in Italy, rather than in the U.S. "We are confused and saddened that the Xygalians chose to take their first steps on Tuscan soil," McClellan said. "We are hopeful that [Xygalian] Cmdr. Gorx will recognize the oversight and relocate to the U.S., which is better equipped to host an intergalactic traveler." McClellan added that the internationally televised handshake between Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and Gorx "added insult to injury."
Lawyer Friend Makes Strong Case For Nachos #~# HARTFORD, CT—During a night out for dinner and drinks at Shooters Bar And Restaurant, probate attorney Michael Bradshaw built a strong case in re ordering nachos, Bradshaw's friends reported Tuesday. 
I Would Treat The Girl From The Muffler Commercial Right #~# Oh my God, it's on again. There's the girl I've been telling you about—the one I always see on television. Quiet! This is my favorite part. Just look at her. Isn't she the most beautiful woman you've ever seen? Doesn't she have the nicest voice? I know this in my heart: If I had a chance, I would treat that girl from the muffler commercial right. 
Ridiculous Small-Business Plan Encouraged By Friends #~# MISSOULA, MT—Due in large part to the encouragement of her so-called friends, 34-year-old Karen Sabin quit her steady job to make and sell homemade gourmet dog biscuits out of her home, the former hospital receptionist told reporters  Monday. 
Sniper Suspect Rehires Lawyers #~# Sniper suspect John Allen Muhammad stopped acting as his own attorney last week and rehired his lawyers. What do you think?
Tuition Hikes #~# The average cost of tuition at the nation's colleges has jumped 40 percent in the past 10 years. How are students coping?
Pete's An Asshole vs. Aw, C'mon, Pete's An All-Right Guy #~# Look, man, I know that he's your friend and all, and I guess you've known him for a long time, so I hope you don't get too pissed off at me about this, but I think your friend Pete is a total asshole. Seriously, why you even put up with that guy is beyond me. 
'Well, You Try To Reconstruct Iraq,' Says U.S. Defensive Dept. #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to recent criticism of reconstruction efforts in Iraq, the U.S. Defensive Department released a statement to the public Monday suggesting that perhaps they could do better, since they're obviously so smart.
Alderman Has That Zoning Dream Again #~# AMES, IA—Fourth District Alderman Frank Pelson, 47, awoke with a start Monday night, interrupting his recurring zoning dream. "It was the third night in a row," Pelson said. "I'm sitting at my desk, drafting my proposal for the construction of a municipal pool near Franklin Park, when my inbox is besieged with angry petitions from residents who object to the traffic that the public recreational facility would generate." Pelson said the dream always ends the same way, with him experiencing the sensation of falling out of his office chair into a 60 percent business, 40 percent residential abyss.
Voice Recognition Software Yelled At #~# NEW YORK—Fidelity Financial Services' Gwen Watson, 33, shouted angrily at her IBM ViaVoice Pro USB voice-recognition software, sources close to the human-resources administrator reported Monday. "No, not Gary Friedman! Barry Friedman, you stupid computer. BARRY!" Watson was heard to scream from her cubicle. "Jesus Christ, I could've typed it in a hundredth of the time." After another minute of yelling, Watson was further incensed upon looking at her screen, which read, "Barely Freedman you God ram plucking pizza ship."
Limbaugh Says Drug Addiction A Remnant Of Clinton Administration #~# WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Frankly discussing his addiction to painkillers, conservative talk-show host Rush Limbaugh told his radio audience Monday that his abuse of OxyContin was a "remnant of the anything-goes ideology of the Clinton Administration." "Friends, all I can say is 'I told you so,'" said Limbaugh, from an undisclosed drug-treatment facility. "Were it not for Bill Clinton's loose policies on drug offenders and his rampant immorality, I would not have found myself in this predicament." Limbaugh added that he's staying at a rehab center created by the tax-and-spend liberals.
CIA-Leak Scapegoat Still At Large #~# WASHINGTON, DC—A White House administration official who can be blamed for leaking the identity of CIA officer Valerie Plame to the press remains at large, White House officials announced Monday. 
Muscleman Put In Charge Of World's Fifth-Largest Economy #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Political observers are struggling to understand exactly how, on Oct. 7, Arnold Schwarzenegger, an Austrian-born, movie-star muscleman with no political experience, was elected to govern the state of California, the world's fifth-largest economic region. 
Genetically Modified Foods #~# Genetically modified foods are becoming more prevalent. Why are some people concerned?
Silicone Breast Implants #~# An advisory panel to the Food and Drug Administration recommended that the 11-year ban on the sale of silicone breast implants be lifted. What do you think?
Peruvian Shockingly Knowledgeable About U.S. History #~# GAINSVILLE, FL—During her two-week visit to the U.S., Peruvian visitor Alejandra Mañera demonstrated a "frightening" depth of knowledge about U.S. history, her American friend Briana Heckel reported Monday. "We were sitting around talking about how Bush has no idea how to rebuild Iraq, and Alejandra starts mentioning how at least Woodrow Wilson outlined his postwar plan with his '14 Points' speech," Heckel said. "Then she starts listing all the points, and I'm like, who's Woodrow Wilson?" Mañera further unnerved Heckel by speaking flawless English.
Anyone Got A TV To Spare? #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been burning the candle at both ends lately. Shit, if a candle had three or four ends, they'd be burning, too.  
Salary-Negotiation Tips #~# While it takes courage and know-how, negotiating your salary often pays off. Here are a few things to know before you meet with your employer: 
Video-Store Clerk Helpless To Prevent Charlie's Angels Rental #~# BERWICK, OH—In spite of his efforts, Video Village clerk Brad Hersley was unable to prevent yet another rental of Charlie's Angels Tuesday. 
Mommy's Wedding More Fun Than Daddy's #~# GALESBURG, IL—After discussing the merits of both events at length, Julie and Ian Bowman, 7 and 5, agreed that their mother Ariel Binder's wedding in Galesburg Saturday was "way more fun" than their father Marcus' wedding in Peoria last March, the children reported Monday.
Club Has Big Hit With Closed-Mic Night #~# CLEARWATER, FL—The Ars Nova Café has enjoyed massive success since introducing its signature closed-mic night, coffeehouse manager Peter Haney, 38, said Tuesday. "In August, I did away with the Monday Night Amateur Showcase," Haney said. "Since then, Monday has been our busiest night. Who would've thought that people prefer conversation to bad acoustic-guitar music and wretched poetry?" Having noted the success of the café's Absolutely-No-Live-Entertainment Monday, the bar next door recently announced plans to launch No-House-Band Saturday.
Generic Candy Corn Will Give You AIDS #~# Once again, Halloween season is upon us, and with it, the wonderful anticipation of dressing up and trick-or-treating for delicious Brach’s candy. With that in mind,  it’s important to remember all the ways that you can make your Halloween safer and more fun. It won’t put a damper on anyone’s holiday spirits to wear high-visibility costumes when going from house to house, to have kids trick-or-treat with an adult, and to inspect all candy for tampering. Perhaps most importantly, keep in mind that eating just a single kernel of candy corn manufactured by a company other than Brach’s Confections will give you a deadly case of full-blown AIDS. 
Deep Down, Woman Knows She's Watching Entire Trading Spaces Marathon #~# WINNSBORO, LA—On some level, college professor Lynnda Dale, 48, knows she'll watch this Saturday's entire 12-episode Trading Spaces marathon, Dale almost acknowledged Monday. "Hey, I sorta like that stupid show," said Dale, when she spotted the row of listings for the TLC home-makeover series. "I've got a lot to do, so I'll just watch one episode. But on the off chance that I get sucked in, I can do those lesson plans the next day." Dale said that if she does tune in to the marathon, she won't pay close attention to the show, but will only keep it on for background noise as she does housework.
God's Gift To Women Returned #~# TUCSON, AZ—Moments after unsuccessfully propositioning all of the female patrons at the Kon Tiki Lounge, God's gift to women, 31-year-old Patrick Roland, was returned to his maker Monday night. "That Pat guy was cute, but he sure was pushy," said Debbie Werner, a fellow Lounge patron. "He kept trying to buy me Cosmos, but I told him to buzz off. A few minutes later, he stumbled out the door and got run over by a bus." Werner said she hopes that next time God's feeling generous, He gives women something more useful, like money.
79-Year-Old Still Saving For Future #~# OLATHE, KS—Frances Buntz, 79, continues to work diligently as a file clerk at Kansas State Insurance and save any extra money she can, Buntz said Monday. "When my husband had a stroke eight years ago, all of our savings went to bills," said Buntz, momentarily resting her weight on her cane. "Since then, I've been trying to build up a little nest egg." Buntz said she hopes to someday invest in a nice little place to settle down, or some medicine.
MacArthur Genius Grant Goes Right Up Recipient's Nose #~# ALBANY, NY—According to friends, the $500,000, five-year, no-strings-attached MacArthur Fellowship awarded to Jim Yong Kim earlier this month went right up the 43-year-old scientist's nose. "Kim's efforts to eradicate drug-resistant strains of tuberculosis in Russian prisons and Peruvian ghettos amazed everyone—as did his appetite for top-grade cocaine," Marisa Amir said Monday. "As soon as that first check arrived, Kim was on the phone with his dealer, and two hours later, he was in a hot tub full of strippers." His first installment of money gone, the scientist then returned to the task of developing a whole-cell cholera toxin recombinant B subunit vaccine.
Bush Disappointed To Learn Chinese Foreign Minister Doesn't Know Karate #~# WASHINGTON, DC—While he still plans to meet with Chinese Foreign Minister Li Zhaoxing, President Bush was disappointed to learn that the dignitary does not know karate, White House adviser Karl Rove told reporters Tuesday. "I told George that karate is an ancient martial art of Japan, not China," Rove said. "I told him that in China, many practice kung fu—but I recommended that he stick to the more vital issue of relations with Taiwan and North Korea." In spite of Rove's suggestion, Bush plans to ask Zhaoxing to "do some of that Jackie Chan action."
Lieberman Pledges To Gloss Over The Boring Issues #~# HARTFORD, CT—Eager to distinguish himself in the nine-member field of Democratic candidates, presidential hopeful Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-CT) pledged Monday to "gloss over any and all issues boring to Americans today." 
Study Finds Cable-TV Violence Leads To Network-TV Violence #~# LOS ANGELES—A two-year study of television programming has established a link between cable-TV violence and violent scenarios on network television, the Institute for Media Research announced Monday. 
No Prison Can Hold Me, As Long As I Have My Imagination #~# Why, hello there! Come and have a seat next to me on the sand and gaze out over the ocean at the beautiful sunset. Listen to the caw of the seagulls! Hear the lapping of the waves against the dock! Take your shoes off, if you like. What's that you say? I'm sitting on my bunk at the Pelican Bay Correctional Facility? I'm sorry, but inmate #454336 doesn't care to limit himself to sitting inside these four walls. You see, while I'm doing 60 years to life for stabbing three elderly women to death, I can go anywhere my imagination takes me! 
I'm A Diseased- And Deformed-Animal Lover! #~# A lot of people say they love animals, but then, when they come across one that has a scar, is a little bit skinny, or is coughing up blood, they just turn their heads. Well, I love animals of all shapes, sizes, and disabilities. That's why I devote all of my free time to finding and caring for diseased and deformed animals. I just can't get enough of those smelly, limping critters! 
Ex-Girlfriend Playing Virtua Fighter With Some Other Guy Now #~# SOUTH HADLEY FALLS, MA—Area resident Troy Zuniga, 27, is troubled by the idea of his ex-girlfriend Chrissy Baker playing Virtua Fighter 4: Evolution with someone new, Zuniga reported Tuesday. 
High Oil, Gas Prices #~# The Energy Department predicted that oil and gas prices will remain higher than average through the winter. How are Americans responding?
Schwarzenegger Victorious #~# After the recall of Gov. Gray Davis, Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor of California. What do you think?
Tribesman Guilted Into Attending Friend's Boundary Dance #~# KOROMA, PAPUA NEW GUINEA—Huli tribesman Olene, 32, expressed annoyance Tuesday after being "guilt-tripped" into agreeing to attend his friend Gumaiba's boundary dance. 
Authority Figure Demands To Know Meaning Of This #~# NEW HAVEN, CT—Flustered by the incessant insubordination and rowdy antics of a group of students, stodgy authority figure and boarding-school headmaster James K. Worthington III demanded to know the meaning of this Monday. “What is the meaning of this?” the red-faced Worthington said upon discovering the stately oak desk in his office covered in toilet paper. “What have you insolent young hooligans done? I demand an explanation and an apology at once!” Following a contrived explanation by the students, Worthington winced skeptically and warned that future acts of mischief would be dealt with severely. Later in the day, Worthington was grievously embarrassed when white paint was splattered all over his dark suit.
Algerian Dies Of Natural Causes #~# TABELBALA, ALGERIA—Beni Ain-Sefra, 71, became the first Algerian in nearly seven months to die of natural causes following a stroke Saturday, sending shockwaves through the North African nation. According to reports, Ain-Sefra was not shot, hanged, stabbed nor disemboweled by roving hordes of horse-mounted Islamic extremists. “I am stunned by this non-violent end to Beni’s life,” Ain-Sefra’s wife Sumora said. “I always imagined that when it was my husband’s turn to go to Heaven, he would be cut in half by militants and have his upper body fed to a pack of wild dogs and his legs dumped in a well. This natural, peaceful act of God will take time to sink in.”  
Hot Sexy Girls Waiting To Talk To Guys Just Like You #~# VAN NUYS, CA—According to an announcement broadcast on late-night cable television Saturday, hot sexy girls are, at this very moment, waiting to talk to guys just like you. 
ACLU Defends Nazis' Right To Burn Down ACLU Headquarters #~# NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, American Civil Liberties Union officials announced that the organization will go to court to defend a neo-Nazi group's right to burn down ACLU headquarters. 
Life After Fen/Phen #~# What are users of the drug Fen/Phen doing now that it has been banned by the FDA?
My Failed Suicide Attempts #~# There is nothing I desire more than for dear, sweet Death to draw its soft shroud around me and usher me from this mortal coil. But after 132 years, my prayers have still not been answered, so every now and again I attempt to bring about my yearned-for demise myself. 
My Flabby Tabbies Are So Spoiled! #~# Late Friday night, I woke up to the sound of a loud crash coming from the kitchen. I sat bolt-upright in bed, and, for a split-second, I thought it was burglars. But then I realized what it was, and I rushed into the kitchen. Sure enough, my porcelain Oriental vase had been knocked off the kitchen table and smashed into pieces on the floor! It didn't take long to follow the trail of flowers and water to find the culprit: my kitty Arthur, who was lapping up the water, as nonchalant as could be! 
The Promise Keepers #~# While some praise the Promise Keepers, who recently held a massive rally on the National Mall, for their call for Christian men to renew their commitment to family and God, others say the group has an underlying anti-woman agenda. What do you think?
CNN's Hollywood Minute Announces Special Two-Minute Season Premiere #~# ATLANTA—At a special news conference Monday, CNN programming executives announced that the network’s popular Hollywood Minute segment will make its season premiere Oct. 25 with a special two-minute episode. “We thought we’d open the new season with a bang, and what better way to do it than with a spectacular double-length show?” program producer Anthony Charles said. The episode will reportedly feature a sizzling revelation from actor John Larroquette about a past love, as well as a visit to the set of Paramount Pictures’ Workin’ Overtime, an action/comedy starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Jennifer Tilly. 
Suburban Parade Of Homes Marred By Rotting Ox On Lawn #~# SCHAUMBURG, IL—The Greater Schaumburg Realtors' Association's annual Parade Of Homes exhibition was marred Saturday by the presence of a rotting ox on the front lawn of one of the model homes on display.
Soaring U.S. Divorce Rate Blamed On Local 11-Year-Old #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services released a 275-page report Monday blaming the increasing failure rate of American marriages on Clearwater, FL, 11-year-old Tommy Breyer.
Binge-Drinking, Promiscuous Sex Good For You, Says 'New Orleans Journal Of Medicine' #~# NEW ORLEANS—According to a report published in the latest issue of the New Orleans Journal Of Medicine, a number of behaviors long believed detrimental to one’s health—including binge-drinking and unprotected sex with multiple partners—may actually prolong and enrich one’s life. “Massive intake of alcohol instills a deep sense of happiness, which is essential to an organism’s longevity,” the report stated. Random sex with a variety of partners is likewise encouraged: “Exhaustive field research throughout New Orleans indicates that coupling with as many people as possible is a very good thing,” the study said. Other behaviors endorsed by the renowned medical journal include: eating excessive amounts of rich, spicy food; inhaling nitrous oxide; and screaming “Whoo!” as loudly as possible in public. To aid the early detection of breast cancer, the study also strongly recommended that all women between the ages of 18 and 45 annually expose their breasts to cheering crowds.
You're Going To Love My Balls #~# I envy you, friend. You are a lucky, lucky person. Treasure this moment, because you are about to gaze upon my balls. And you are going to absolutely love them. 
Celine Dion Secluded In Lab Developing New Perfume #~# LAS VEGAS—Sequestered in her private laboratory near Goodsprings, Celine Dion has demanded that no one disturb her until the next scent in her perfume line is complete, her manager and husband René Angelil announced Monday. 
Girlfriend Dumped After Forwarding Stupid Link #~# GREAT FALLS, MT—Amanda Manis was dumped Monday after forwarding boyfriend Anthony Madrid a link for the humor web site LunaticLobsters.com. "I was convinced that I had found my soulmate, my kindred spirit, the woman I could grow old with," Madrid said. "Then, out of nowhere, Mandy e-mails me this stupid link. When I saw those Flash-animation cartoons, I knew it was over." Madrid has previously dumped girlfriends for owning roller blades, buying Vegemite, and watching Craig Kilborn.
8 Simple Rules Laugh Track Replaced With Somber String Arrangement #~# LOS ANGELES—ABC announced plans Monday to replace the laugh track of 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter with a somber string arrangement. "Following the untimely death of John Ritter, it's only appropriate that we repackage this madcap parenting comedy as a very special tribute to a man whose life touched us all," said producer Tim Sharbarth. "I mean, the episodes are in the can. We've gotta air them. Luckily, with the addition of new music by cellist Yo Yo Ma, the episodes offer a chance for the viewing public to say goodbye to John, a beloved legend of physical comedy." Promos for the show, which used to feature choice sexual wisecracks, now contain a message from Ritter's "TV family" and clips of the sitcom's characters hugging.
Frustrated FCC Unable To Stop Use Of Word 'Friggin'' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The government agency responsible for enforcing broadcast-decency laws can do nothing to stop rampant use of the word "friggin'," Federal Communications Commission Chairman Michael K. Powell said Monday. "Everyone knows what it really means when someone uses that word," Powell said. "Still, we hear it all over the morning radio shows, all the time. Oooh, it burns me up. Those DJs aren't fooling anyone, certainly not us here at the FCC. But sadly, our hands are tied." Powell suggested that users of the non-profanity just grow up.
Bartender Refuses To Acknowledge Patron's Regular Status #~# DAYTON, OH—Hurley's Pub bartender Don O'Hagan once again refused to acknowledge Henry Wells' status as a regular patron, the disappointed customer reported Tuesday. "I've been coming here for nearly two years, and I don't get so much as a nod of recognition when I sit down," said Wells, who estimated he's ordered a Bushmills with a splash of water from O'Hagan nearly 500 times. "I don't expect this place to be like Cheers, I just think that I deserve be treated like a human being, is all." Wells said he seriously considered not leaving a tip on his next round.
Teens 'Going To Town' With Restaurant Comment Cards #~# TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Three teens eating at the North Henderson Street Country Kitchen diner "really went to town" with the restaurant's comment cards Sunday, third-shift manager Rick Wehl reported. 
Parrot Care Is Actually Quite Time-Consuming #~# Ahoy thar, mateys! I see ye be gazin' upon me parrot Isabelle. Quite a keen fair lass, she be! Aye, but mark well me words: Thar be quite a lot o' work in carin' for a likely creature as she. Why, some scurvy swabs think a bowl o' seed an' a friendly shoulder be enough to please a bird from Gibraltar to Macao, but that be a d—n sight from truthful, I assure ye. What ho—I espy a calm driftin' in from the nor'-nor'-east—strike the mizzensail, me tars, an' lay-to as I tell ye what ye need to keep yer parrot a healthy an' happy crewmate. 
CIA Leak Probed #~# The FBI has launched an investigation into whether White House officials leaked the identity of an undercover CIA officer. What do you think?
$87 Billion For Iraq #~# The White House has requested $87 billion to help rebuild Iraq. How would the money be used?
Thank-You Note Passive-Aggressive #~# LEWISTON, ME—According to Nancy Britt, a card she received Monday from friend Colleen Merissee, 46, resembled a thank-you note, but subtly expressed underlying hostility. "Thank you so much for providing the mini quiches for Michael's going-away party," Merissee's note read. "Everyone certainly did try them. Many people commented on how unique they were." Merissee added that the gift was very generous, considering that Britt stayed at the party for less than an hour.
Please Don't Be Mad #~# Please don’t be upset, baby.
Area Man Institutes T-Shirt Purchase Freeze #~# PORTLAND, OR—While standing in front of his open closet, Ken Ciszek announced Tuesday that he is instituting a T-shirt purchasing freeze until further notice.
IBM Emancipates 8,000 Wage Slaves #~# ARMONK, NY—In a move hailed by corporation owners as a forward-thinking humanitarian gesture, IBM emancipated more than 8,000 wage slaves from its factories and offices Monday.
85 Percent Of Public Believes Bush's Approval Rating Fell In Last Month #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Gallup public-opinion opinion poll released Monday, a solid 85 percent of the American people strongly believe that the American people no longer strongly believe that Bush is performing effectively as president. 
Satan Depressed All Weekend After Man Opts Out Of Casino Trip #~# UNCASVILLE, CT—Satan, The Father Of Lies, suffered a dispiriting blow Saturday, when potential sinner Jeffrey Kremer chose to forgo a soul-polluting trip to the Mohegan Sun Resort Casino, The Prince Of Darkness said Monday. "I had hoped that the allure of the bright lights and the promise of instant wealth would tempt Kremer into the mortal sin of avarice," a despondent Lucifer said. "Alas, he told his friends that he felt like spending the day hanging out around the house, instead of joining them at the casino. Curses!" Satan said he hopes that Kremer will at least watch softcore pornography on cable before the week is over.
Frustrated Sycophant Can't Figure Out What Boss Wants To Hear #~# HOUSTON, TX—Associate vice-president Barry Ackerman has been struggling to determine exactly what West Texas Bank CEO William J. Holloway wants to hear, the shameless toady said Monday. "I thought for sure he'd be against Proposition 13, because it allows home-equity lines of credit," said the bootlicking Ackerman. "But when I started slamming it, he told me he supported giving the public greater spending power. I just can't read him." To repair any damage his comment may have done, Ackerman sent Holloway two tickets to The Producers.
Plan To Live In Storage Facility Voiced #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Just Sunglasses employee Eric Thorp intrigued coworkers Monday with his ingenious plan to live in a storage-facility unit. "The rent would be, like, 50 bucks a month," Thorp said. "Those things are totally heated in the winter, you know. For another $50, I could join a gym, and shower there." Coworkers could find no significant downside to Thorp's idea, which no one in the world had ever thought of before.
Regular Citizen Heroically Enforces Park's 'No Glass Containers' Rule #~# LINCOLN, NE—Courageous citizen Gail Wendell went above and beyond the call of civilian duty when she enforced Irvingdale Park's "no glass containers" rule Tuesday. "Excuse me, that bottle is not allowed in this park," said Wendell to Rich Cavanaugh, who was drinking a Snapple. "Read the signs." Wendell last intervened for the common good Monday, when she glared at a Target shopper who failed to use the cart corral.
Schwarzenegger Running Out Of Movie-Related Campaign Slogans #~# LOS ANGELES—Two months after he announced his candidacy for the California gubernatorial recall election, Arnold Schwarzenegger is running out of movie-related campaign quips. "Government and special-interest groups should not be 'Twins,'" the actor said during the Sept. 24 debate. At a fundraising breakfast Monday, the actor told a confused group of business leaders, "I will 'Jingle All The Way' to Sacramento!" Breakfast attendee Ken Straus said Schwarzenegger "really hit the bottom of the barrel" minutes later, when the actor announced, "In the movies, I played Hercules going bananas. But it's the tax-and-spend Democrats who are really going bananas."
Iran's Nuclear Program #~# Iran faces an Oct. 31 U.N. deadline to prove that it has no secret atomic-weapons program. What do you think?
48-Hour Internet Outage Plunges Nation Into Productivity #~# BOSTON—An Internet worm that disabled networks across the U.S. Monday and Tuesday temporarily thrust the nation into its most severe maelstrom of productivity since 1992. 
Pizza Hut Doesn't Know What It's Missing #~# You know what? I don't care if they don't think I'm right for the job. I went in there and put my best foot forward. I said I was excited about joining the team and laid out exactly how hiring me would benefit the operation. If they're too narrow-minded to see what I have to offer, then that's their loss. All I can say is, Pizza Hut doesn't know what it's missing. 
Mournful Irish Flute Used In Documentary About Loss Of Senior Lounge #~# GREENWICH, CT—In a documentary that the Greenwich High School Gazette called "daring and evocative," 17-year-old director Brad Harrison used a plaintive Irish-flute melody to underscore what he described as the "tragic nature of the loss of the senior lounge." 
The NYSE Overhaul #~# In the wake of the forced resignation of chairman Richard Grasso, the New York Stock Exchange plans to make major reforms. Among the changes:
Breakup Secretly Hilarious To Friends #~# ATHENS, GA—The inevitable breakup of Henry Loemer and Frieda Jaynes, which occurred publicly on Sept. 25, left almost a dozen local residents secretly amused Monday. 
House Of Representatives Magically Switches Bodies With Senate #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Members of the Senate and the House of Representatives were magically transposed Tuesday, in an event Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist described as "freaky." "Sen. [Orrin] Hatch [R-UT] had just introduced S.J. Res. 15 when, all of a sudden, we found ourselves in these huge chambers with all these extra seats around us," Frist said. "I looked down, and there in my hand was a copy of H.R. 2799, but I had no idea how to go about defending its contents." Members of both congressional bodies proceeded to learn valuable lessons about one another's perspectives on the legislative process.
Enraged Man Unable To Break TV #~# SHREVEPORT, LA—Enraged after seeing his ex-wife in a local commercial, area resident Bill Schwartz, 48, threw a potentially destructive tantrum Monday, but was unable to smash the screen of his 42-inch high-definition television. "If that television were less durable, there would be no doubt as to just how upset I am right now," Schwartz said after launching two shoes and a telephone at the screen. "Damn it." Schwartz then made a final charge at the television before collapsing dejectedly into a recliner.
22-Year-Old Fuck Complains Of Age Discrimination #~# SAN MIGUEL, CA—Passed over for a promotion at Barton Financial Services, little 22-year-old fuck Darren Meeker filed a lawsuit against the company Monday, claiming to be a victim of age discrimination. "Just because someone has 20 years of experience, that doesn't automatically make him more qualified than my client," said attorney Martin Lippman, who represents the whiny shit. "In his first seven months on the job, Mr. Meeker has more than proven his potential." The little prick was unavailable for comment.
African Leaders Still Treating Clinton As President #~# NAIROBI, KENYA—Kenyan President Emilio Mwai Kibaki said Monday that his country continues to enjoy excellent diplomatic relations with former U.S. President Bill Clinton. "I have always enjoyed working with Mr. Clinton, and the recent international Agricultural Development Conference was no exception," Kibaki said. "And I know that [Democratic Republic of the Congo President] Joseph Kabila enjoyed meeting with him to secure an American commitment for humanitarian aid, as well." Kibaki said that none of the leaders have anything in particular against President Bush, but added that all the same, they'd rather stick with Clinton.
Sorta-Attractive Girl Half-Heartedly Hit On #~# COOL SPRINGS, TN—During a weekend house party characterized as "okay," paint-store employee Peter Elsing, 24, mustered up just enough interest to hit on Theresa Scobel, a sort of good-looking Vanderbilt graduate student, Elsing said Monday. 
Ghosts Of Situations Past #~# If you Jeanketeers think I sit on a chaise lounge eating bonbons all day, you'll be surprised to learn that I applied for, and got, a part-time job at Kinko's. See, I thought working at Kinko's would be easy. The only other time I'd been there, to photocopy a disintegrating old column by Ann Landers (R.I.P.), it was late at night, and the clerk on duty was reading a skateboarding magazine. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening! That place gets swamped! 
Immigrant Workers Vs. Wal-Mart #~# Hundreds of undocumented immigrants have filed a discrimination and exploitation lawsuit against Wal-Mart. What are the workers' complaints?
Speeding Up Iraqi Self-Rule #~# The Bush Administration announced that it hopes to speed up the transition to self-government in Iraq. What do you think?
I Have To Admit: I Love The Nuts #~# I'm a squirrel on the go. I've got trees to climb and streets to cross. If anybody asks what keeps me going when squirrel duties pile up, I got one word for them: nuts! I know it's a stereotype that squirrels go crazy for nuts, but in my case, it's 100 percent true. I make no apologies or excuses. Why should I? I fully admit that I love the nuts! 
Palestine Appoints New Minister Of Rubble And Urban Development #~# RAMALLAH, WEST BANK—After weeks of political infighting, Palestinian Prime Minister Ahmed Qureia announced the appointment of Hassan Al-Katif as the region's new Minister of Rubble and Urban Development Tuesday. 
Donut Shop's Mission Statement Awfully Ambitious #~# FREEHOLD, NJ—Patrons at Dotty's Donuts on Cranston Avenue agree that the mission statement posted near the shop's entrance seems overly ambitious. "It said, 'At Dotty's, our goal is to reinvent the morning,'" Dotty's patron Ken Mentilli said. "'Dotty's Donuts are guaranteed to bring a smile to your face and a ray of light into your soul.' That seems like a tall order for a donut shop." Mentilli added that Dotty's may not be able to deliver on its promise to "change the world, one fresh-baked bear claw at a time."
Media Criticized For Biased Hometown Sports Reporting #~# ALBANY, NY—Members of the national media watchdog group Fairness and Accuracy In Reporting released a 255-page report Monday criticizing the American media for severely biased local sports coverage.
Working Man Proud Of Job He Hates #~# JANESVILLE, WI—Eagle Cooling employee Brent Festge takes pride in the semi-skilled, blue-collar job he loathes, the 39-year-old solderer reported during his lunch break Tuesday.
Al Kozlewski Pulls A Kozlewski #~# CUDAHY, WI—Assembled after work at Gil's Tavern, friends of Al Kozlewski agreed Tuesday that the 39-year-old steamfitter had pulled yet another Kozlewski. "Al came in and did that thing he always does," coworker Danny Fassle said. "He sat down at the table, drank two beers from a pitcher that someone else bought, and then suddenly decided that he had to get right home. A classic Kozlewski." When informed of the charges, Kozlewski said that if Fassle has a problem, he should "stop being such a Palaczyk and say it to my face."
Woman Judges Cities Solely By Their Airports #~# SAN MARCOS, CA—Just back from a business trip to the Midwest, Sonic Drive-In managerial trainer Joan Rupert expressed distaste for yet another city, basing her evaluation solely on the quality of its airport. "I hate Chicago," Rupert said Monday. "It's too spread-out, and there's no good shopping in any of the terminals. But I do have to admit that they have tons of super bars and restaurants. Where else but O'Hare can you buy a real Chicago hot dog?" Rupert said the only city worse than Chicago is Minneapolis, which is "always under construction."
Search For Missing Child Drags On To Fourth Boring Day #~# PICKETT, TN—The search for area fourth-grader Allison Means, who disappeared Friday evening, has entered its fourth boring day, volunteers and law-enforcement officials said Monday. 
MTV Executive Grounds Son For Recommending Good Charlotte #~# NEW YORK—MTV executive Phillip Blanchard, 42, grounded his 15-year-old son Joshua Monday, after the alternative-rock band Good Charlotte failed to sustain its popularity among viewers of the cable music station. "Joshua needs to learn that his choices have consequences," said Blanchard, who took away his teenage son's credit-card privileges for the week. "Maybe next time, Joshua will think twice before over-hyping some pop-punk crap." As additional punishment, Blanchard had Joshua organize the family's extensive video library of Road Rules episodes chronologically.
Ad Campaign For New $20 Bill A Success #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Department of the Treasury deemed the new multicolored $20 bill a raging success Monday, thanks to its $30 million advertising campaign. "Due to our print and TV ads, people across the nation are choosing our $20 bill when they need to exchange currency for goods and services within the United States and its territories," Secretary of the Treasury John Snow said. "We couldn't be happier. Americans agree that the Series 2004 U.S. currency is the legal tender for all debts, public and private." Due to high demand for the bill, the Treasury has already ordered second and third printings.
Congress Raises Executive Minimum Wage To $565.15/Hr #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Congress approved a bill to increase the executive minimum wage from $515.15 to $565.15 an hour, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) announced Monday. The move marks the first increase in the wage since 1997. 
I Think I'll Drive The Kids Up To The State Park To See This 'Glory Hole' #~# I try to be a good dad, but even so, I've been noticing this family drifting apart. We don't talk as much at the dinner table. We don't spend Sunday nights playing Clue as often as we used to. Our set of matching fishing poles is just collecting dust in the closet. I think this family needs to take a nice day trip. I know Bryan wants to go to the aviation museum, and Hilary loves the petting zoo in Greenwood, but I've got a better idea. I keep hearing about this "Glory Hole" up at the state park, and it sounds like just the thing.  
The Reagans #~# In the face of political pressure, CBS removed the miniseries The Reagans from its schedule. What controversial scenes does the program contain?
The Anti-Abortion Campaign #~# Bush's signing of the Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act was a political triumph for the movement to curtail abortions in the U.S. What do you think?
Woman Mentally Breaks Up With Colin Farrell #~# MERCER, PA—Heather Lentz's 11-month imaginary romance with bad-boy heartthrob Colin Farrell has ended, the 25-year-old paralegal announced Monday. 
Man Always Three Ingredients Away From Making Pancakes #~# BOISE, ID—In spite of the numerous times he's craved pancakes during the past year, Mike Herrin, 26, always finds himself three ingredients shy of being able to make the breakfast food. "I woke up this morning just dying for a big mug of coffee and a stack of pancakes," Herrin said Sunday. "This time, I knew I had milk, eggs, and even sugar. But of course there was no baking powder or flour, and I was out of salt." Herrin then stared longingly at the dust-covered bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's in the back of the cupboard for a moment before slamming the door shut.
Mom Finds Out About Blog #~# MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In a turn of events the 30-year-old characterized as "horrifying," Kevin Widmar announced Tuesday that his mother Lillian has discovered his weblog.
I've Received Some Unpleasant Information Regarding My Estranged Half-Brother's Involvement In The Barcelona Debacle #~# Good evening, gentlemen. Mei Ling. Or should I say good morning? I'm afraid the last few hours here at the Department For Special Acquisitions And Liquidations have been rather, well, active. I apologize for calling you to Operations at such a wretched hour, but if this report from the Transitional Branch in Seville is accurate, then we have some important decisions to make. We must either act quickly to eliminate a threat to this Department, or we must take steps to remove me from my position as Department Head. You see, I fear that my estranged but brilliant half-brother may have been instrumental to the execution of the horrible debacle we experienced in Barcelona.  
Americans Demand Increased Governmental Protection From Selves #~# NEW YORK—Alarmed by the unhealthy choices they make every day, more and more Americans are calling on the government to enact legislation that will protect them from their own behavior. 
Bunch Of Hick Nobodies Sue For Toxic-Waste Exposure #~# SHREWSBURY, WV—A bunch of local, piss-ant, hick nobodies filed a lawsuit against the Allegheny Electric Cooperative Monday, alleging that the company exposed residents to dangerous levels of mercury. "Just about everybody on the Kanawha [River] knows someone that's sick or died," some toothless rube told reporters. "It's all the waste they dump out the power plant. You can see it in the water, like liquid silver. We're not going to sit here and take it. No sir." According to Allegheny spokesman Thomas Gill, the bumpkins were somehow able to scrape together enough moonshine money "to get theyselves one of them fancy, big-city lawyers."
Teen Admits Parents Were Right About Fred Durst #~# CHICAGO—17-year-old Jeremy Kempf reluctantly acknowledged that parents Judith and Harvey were right about Limp Bizkit lead singer Fred Durst Tuesday. "I used to crank 'Nookie' full blast, and my parents would say that Fred Durst was an obnoxious loudmouth and Limp Bizkit sucked," Kempf said. "Then I got Results May Vary, and I was like, 'Oh, shit. This does suck.'" Kempf also admitted that his parents may have had valid points about the taste of Mountain Dew and his friend Tony's neck tattoo.
Undercover Agents Talking To Each Other In 'Under 12' Chatroom #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to weed out pedophiles, two FBI agents, identified only as "Cutiepie1994" and "KoalaLover," unknowingly communicated with one another in the under-12 chat room of TweenTalk.com for almost two hours Tuesday. "You should see me in my new bathing suit. It's really rad," Cutiepie wrote. "Kewl. Guess what? My parents aren't home right now," KoalaLover responded. Two minutes after their lengthy Internet conversation ended, KoalaLover unknowingly passed Cutiepie on the way into the bathroom.
Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King Jr. #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—According to Jeffrey Duncan, 43, his friend Ronald Washington "completely ripped off" his personal mantra from civil-rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. "Ron's always saying how if someone doesn't have a cause worth dying for, then that person's life isn't worth living," Duncan said Monday. "Nice try, Ron, but you can't fool me. You totally stole that whole idea from Dr. King." Duncan said he hopes King's estate "nails Ron's ass for plagiarism."
Karl Rove Ensures Republican Elected As Student Body President #~# McALLEN, TX—Thanks to the intervention of White House political advisor Karl Rove, McAllen East Middle School elected a Republican student body president Monday. "I'd like to give a special shout-out to Mr. Rove, for helping me beat [incumbent president] Luis Mendes," Paul Wenger said in his victory speech. "Thanks to him, I was totally able to expose Luis' idea of using candy funds to buy uniforms for needy students. As your president, I'll make sure that that money goes back into the school, where it belongs—and into the biggest pizza party that McAllen East has ever seen." Rove denied any involvement in the election.
Unrest In Iraq #~# Violence against American troops in Iraq surged last week, with attacks killing dozens. What do you think?
Hey, Hollywood, Lay Off The Gore! #~# Item! If you're like me, you're more than a little dismayed by the cinematic bloodbath at your local multiplex right now. There are chopped heads in Kill Will, and there's chopped everything in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Yuck! Far be it from me to tell Hollywood what to do, but I think they should keep their playing cards closer to their chests and not get so explicit.  
The California Wildfires #~# Wildfires have ravaged Southern California. How are citizens responding?
There Are Going To Be Some Pointless Changes Around This Office #~# All right, everyone, listen up. I have some announcements to make, and they affect all of you. I know that you received the e-mail I sent out, in which I detailed this meeting's agenda. I wanted to meet anyway and go over that e-mail in person, to prevent any misunderstandings. There are going to be some pointless changes around here, folks. The sooner we get used to them, the better off we'll be. 
Children Wait Patiently For Heavily Fortified Tree House To Be Attacked #~# ORLAND PARK, IL—For the third uneventful day in a row, members of the Poison Ninjas Club awaited the invasion of their tree house, sources in the backyard of 1740 Sumac Road reported Monday.
Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The '80s #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Addressing shocked fellow cabinet members, Secretary of Energy Spencer Abraham said Tuesday that he had assumed everyone knew about his roles in numerous 1980s pornographic films.
Family Unsure What To Do With Dead Hipster's Possessions #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Five weeks after the death of her 26-year-old hipster son Kent, Enid Lowery announced that the family faces a difficult task in figuring out what to do with his many unusual possessions.
Bush Won't Put Down New Football #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to White House sources, President Bush has not allowed his new Wilson official NFL leather game football to leave his sight since he received it as a gift last week. "The president has that ball with him everywhere he goes," Vice-President Dick Cheney said Monday. "The way he pump-fakes it in the Oval Office is really distracting." Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has threatened to take the ball away and lock it in his desk if he sees it at the table during another goddamned cabinet meeting.
Author Accepts Award On Ghostwriters' Behalf #~# CONCORD, NH—Former Secretary of State Alexander Haig accepted the Worthington Literary Award on behalf of his four ghostwriters Tuesday for his book No Victory. "It is with humble gratitude that I accept this great honor," Haig said, graciously speaking for the team of writers who wrote the 435-page account of his unsuccessful bid for the 1988 Republican presidential nomination. "I appreciate that you have taken the time to consider what I had to say on the…subject matter of this book." Haig has not touched his Apple IIe since 1994 and spends most of his time hot-air ballooning in Naples.
Turkey Sandwich Given Locally Relevant Name #~# FAIRMOUNT, IN—For the 87,836th time, a turkey sandwich was given a locally relevant name, Mary Anne's Café owner Mary Anne Gunday reported Monday. "'The Hoosier Special' isn't just a turkey with lettuce, tomato, and mayo on your choice of bread," Gunday said. "It's a tribute to the state of Indiana and its inhabitants." Gunday recommended eating the sandwich with a bowl of steaming Birthplace Of James Dean Tomato Noodle Soup.
So-Called Obese Pets Held To Unrealistic Body Standards #~# CHICAGO—To the casual eye, Tippy might appear to be a regular Labrador. He loves sunbathing at the park, watching squirrels, and getting loads of attention from passersby.  
Vacationing Couple To Try Something They Don't Like #~# CANCUN, MEXICO—During their two-week winter holiday, Howard and Rosemary Gortenski of Arlington Heights, IL, have signed up for scuba lessons, even though both suspect that they will dislike the activity, the couple reported Tuesday. "Howard doesn't like to get his head wet, and I just don't see the point of getting all dressed up just to go under water for an hour," Gortenski said. "But vacations are for breaking out of the routine to experience what life has to offer, so I guess we have to try something new. It's this week or never." Gortenski said she'll make sure to secure some photos as proof of the couple's spontaneity.
Drinking Responsibly During The Holidays #~# The holiday season is a time to enjoy family dinners, office parties, and get-togethers with friends. Festive drinks and tasty punches often contribute to the holiday revelry, so here are some tips to help you celebrate sensibly: 
Non-Widescreen Version Of DVD Received As Hanukkah Gift #~# BROOKLYN, NY—Self-described film buff Tyler Rosenstein was disappointed to receive a non-letterboxed "full screen" version of the movie The Matrix Reloaded as a Hanukkah gift, the 19-year-old reported Monday. 
Senate Carpool 'Forgets' To Pick Up Feingold Again #~# WASHINGTON, DC—U.S. Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI) was forced to find an alternate means of transportation to work Monday, because his Senate carpool once again "forgot" to pick him up. 
North Korea's Nuclear Proposal #~# North Korea said it is willing to freeze its nuclear-weapons program in exchange for U.S. concessions. What are the country's leaders demanding?
Network Pushes The 'Dumbing It Down' Envelope #~# LOS ANGELES—Already home to Extreme Makeover, Trista & Ryan's Wedding, and According To Jim, the ABC television network is now looking to develop some really, really, really dumb shows, network sources announced Monday. "With all the competition in television, we have to make the ABC brand stand out," said Susan Lyne, president of ABC Entertainment. "That's why we want a slate of projects that will out-dumb the dumb shows like Whoopi, The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, and The Next Joe Millionaire." ABC's pilot orders for Fall 2004 include The Naked Ladies, Extreme Explosions, and America's Shiniest Objects.
Christmas Brought To Iraq By Force #~# BAGHDAD, IRAQ—On almost every corner in Iraq's capital city, carolers are singing, trees are being trimmed, and shoppers are rushing home with their packages—all under the watchful eye of U.S. troops dedicated to bringing the magic of Christmas to Iraq by force.
Conservative Teens #~# Recent surveys show that today's teens are more conservative than the previous generation on issues like abortion and drug use. What do you think?
How Can I Use Feminism To My Advantage? #~# Knowledge is power. In this competitive, male-dominated world, a woman must take advantage of all the resources at her disposal. Luckily, I found a way to take the idea that men and women should be socially, politically, and economically equal, and make it work for me. Now I'm subverting the dominant paradigm—and raking in the benefits!
I Have A Dream: To Eat A Kentucky Derby-Winning Horse #~# Brothers and sisters.
Christmas Pageant Enters Pre-Production #~# SAGINAW, MI—With the holiday season in full swing, the St. John's Lutheran Church Annual Christmas Pageant went into pre-production Monday. "We just hired a set builder and a location scout, and I'm looking for leads on a Mary Magdalene, because Mrs. Halverson is out with the gout this year," said church deacon Paul Verriter. "Now, all we need to do is wait for Pastor Dave [Genzler] to give his final notes on the script, and we're off and running." Verriter said he needs Genzler's approval before he can hire a team of writers to punch up the arrival of the shepherds.
Stick Shift Bragged About #~# NEW YORK—Sources say Gary Baumgarten, an accountant in the bursar's office at Barnard College, introduced his stick shift into the conversation again Monday. "Traffic was murder over the Verrazano Bridge this morning," Baumgarten said. "Especially driving that five-speed. But a stick is the only way to go. Of course." Later that day, Baumgarten touted his stick shift during conversations about San Francisco, taxi drivers, and the drive-thru at Taco Bell.
Baby Boring #~# TAMARAC, FL—Michelle, the three-week-old daughter of area residents Sue and Allen McKay, is "unbelievably boring," sources close to the couple said Monday. "Sue's always raving about how amazing Michelle is," friend Elena Jacobs said. "But then you meet her, and she barely moves. Who knows? Maybe Michelle is an incredibly charming and engaging little mastermind during the 20 minutes each day that she's awake and not crying." Jacobs added that Michelle must have been born with her mother's eyes and her father's total lack of personality.
Drunken Episode A Repeat #~# PARMA, OH—Sunday's episode involving drunken house-party guest Philip Welz was a repeat, guests reported. "I couldn't bear to watch it again," Robert Joffe said. "Sure, some parts, like when Phil pees in front of everyone, or when he pretends to have sex with the pets, are sort of entertaining the second time around, but on the whole, it was pretty tough to sit through twice." Joffe left the party early in order to avoid the episode's final moments, when Welz pukes on himself and passes out.
Neurosurgeon Heckled From Observation Deck #~# HOUSTON—Dr. Martin Kenneth Rinjipur, a neurosurgeon at Methodist Hospital, was heckled from the observation deck Monday after removing a cancerous tumor from a patient's occipital lobe. "You call that closing an incision?" the unidentified man shouted. "I could make a cleaner suture with 15 centimeters of frayed chromic gut and a pair of barbecue tongs. Go back to Johns Hopkins." Rinjipur did his best to act like he had not heard the comments.
Chicago Out Of Names For Subdivisions #~# CHICAGO—According to city planners, Chicago has run out of new names for its subdivisions. "It was bound to happen sooner or later," Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley said at a Monday press conference in front of City Hall. "Oak Dale Springs, Whispering Pines, Stonewood Creek… We have used every tree, body of water, and living thing in the almanac. You don't have to drive all the way out to Kevin Acres to know we need a new naming system." Daley announced that, beginning in 2004, all new housing developments in the Chicago area will be numbered with a positive integer.
Substitute Teacher Totally Freaks #~# OCONOMOWOC, WI—Substitute teacher Pamela Krafft totally freaked during third period, freshman-class sources at August Derleth Memorial High School reported at lunch Tuesday. 
Clinton Googles Self #~# NEW YORK—Citing curiosity as his primary motive, Bill Clinton typed his own name into the popular search engine Google.com during a lull in his daily activities, the former president reported Monday. 
CEO's Marital Duties Outsourced To Mexican Groundskeeper #~# GROSSE POINTE, MI—As part of the ongoing trend toward replacing U.S. workers with foreign labor, the marital duties of United Carborundum CEO Howard Reinhardt have been outsourced to his Mexican groundskeeper, industry sources revealed Monday. 
The Worldwide AIDS Crisis #~# AIDS in the Third World, particularly Africa, is an ever-growing problem. What do you think?
I Never Shoulda Left The House #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had my nuts in a twist for a while. I still got the job driving the bus for the car-rental place. I ain't going anywhere working there, except back and forth from the airport, but at least sitting behind the wheel gives me time to ponder over shit. I've been thinking about how to make a car into a helicopter, so I can get places faster. I think I got it figured out. I just need some propellers. Don't go trying to take that idea, though. It's mine, and if you steal it, I will find you and beat your ass. 
Stopping Spam #~# The Can Spam Act could be signed into law as early as next month. How does Congress plan to reduce unwanted commercial emails?
Report: Poor People Pretty Much Fucked #~# WASHINGTON—According to the results of an intensive two-year study, Americans living below the poverty line are "pretty much fucked," Center for Social and Economic Research executive director Jameson Park announced Monday. 
Let's Get The Old Regime Back Together #~# Hey, guys, it's your old pal Luzhninczy. Remember, from Vladisnostok? I hope this finds you well. And that no one else finds you—ha ha! But seriously, I am quite adept at keeping track of everyone, which is why, in the old days, they called me the Minister of Information. "Old Eyes And Ears," they used to say. "You never know who might be listening," they'd say. But I always knew they meant me. And I always knew who "they" were. Ah, yes, good times, good times. I miss them. 
College Freshman Cycles Rapidly Through Identities #~# LAWRENCE, KS—Since starting college at the University of Kansas in the fall, freshman Kirk Vanderkamp has been cycling through personal identities at a breakneck pace, Hamilton Hall sources reported Monday.  
Rookie Trucker Always On CB To Mother #~# LUBBOCK, TX—Two weeks into his new job driving an 18-wheeler for the Harper Red Line, trucker Billy Ray Coogan, 23, still talks frequently with his mother on his CB radio. "Breaker 1-9, Mother Hen, this here's Red Rooster, come on," said an obviously nervous Coogan. "Are you sand-bagging, Mother Hen? 'Cause the boss man's got me hauling a dead-head to Abilene, and I'm a little nervous. I…I could really use some company, 10-4." Coogan went on to say that if his mother would just say the word, he'd do a flip-flop and put the hammer down to be back home in the short-short, in time for dinner.
Senate Votes 64-36, Not Sure On What #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Senate voted 64-36 in favor of S. 546 Monday, despite the lack of any awareness of the bill's contents. "Wait a minute—S. 546?" asked Sen. Kent Conrad (D-ND), hurriedly shuffling through a stack of papers after hearing of the bill's passage. "I tend to just vote with Maria Cantwell [(D-WA)], but apparently, she just voted with Thomas Carper [(D-DE)]. Does anybody know what's in S. 546?! Oh, geez." Conrad said he isn't certain, but that he might remember someone mentioning something about the Bend Pine Nursery Land Conveyance Act.
Small Town Honors Once-Ostracized Artist #~# ANSLEY, NE—Nearly 450 of Ansley's 590 residents gathered in the town square Monday morning to dedicate a statue of the late sculptor Robert Kett, who was born in the town in 1946 and generally either ignored or reviled during the 24 years he lived there. "Although no one took any notice of his art while he lived here, Mr. Kett has touched us all through his national fame," said Ansley mayor Paul Hollub, who went to high school with Kett and frequently referred to him as "that Kett faggot." "Though he was the object of our derision for many years, Robert is truly Ansley's favorite son." Examples of Kett's work, on display at the Guggenheim, will be reproduced and sold in postcard form at the ice-cream shop behind which he was once beaten up.
Alan Colmes Loses Argument With Nephew #~# NEW YORK—Alan Colmes, the liberal co-host of the Fox News debate program Hannity & Colmes, lost an argument to his nephew Bryan while babysitting the 8-year-old Monday. "I wanted to stay up late to watch television, but Uncle Alan said, 'There's already too much self-parenting in America,'" Bryan said. "So I started screaming, 'Mom lets me, Mom lets me,' real loud. He gave in after, like, 20 seconds." In the past two years, Bryan has won arguments with Colmes on the subjects of Pokémon cards, Crunch Berries cereal, and steel tariffs.
Bush Re-Election Campaign Creates Thousands Of New Jobs #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Since it began in May, the Bush 2004 re-election campaign has been responsible for creating thousands of new jobs, officials announced Monday. 
Trial Separation Works Out Great #~# BIRMINGHAM, AL—Both Marlene and Paul Hirsh reported Monday that the first four weeks of their trial separation have gone surprisingly well. 
THG And The NFL #~# A string of scandals has prompted the NFL to impose stricter testing standards for performance-enhancing drugs, especially the steroid THG. What do you think?
The Clean Air Act #~# More than a dozen state governments are protesting an Environmental Protection Agency measure to loosen Clean Air Act regulations. What changes does the measure include?
No, Jesus Is My Personal Savior #~# What? Now you've opened up your soul to Him and made a home for the Lord in your heart, too? Give me a break, Matt. You're just saying that because I told you I'd been born again into new life in the love and grace of our Lord, the Redeemer, Christ Jesus. Let's get one thing clear: Jesus is my personal savior, not yours. I don't want you horning in on my eternal-salvation action. 
New Alternate-Reality Series Puts 12 Strangers On Island Where South Won Civil War #~# LOS ANGELES—CBS executives announced Monday that they have begun filming Antebellum Island, a new "alternate reality" series in which 12 strangers compete for $1 million while isolated on an island still under Confederate rule.
Man Born To Party Dies Partying #~# DETROIT—Loading-dock worker Randy Scharf, 25, who often described himself as "born to party," died while partying, his aggrieved friends announced Monday. "Randy was always up for a good time," said friend Steven "Beevo" Bollinger, who threw the house party Saturday night that proved to be Scharf's last. "He was the only guy I know who could drink a quart and a half of rum and still be ready for a night of barhopping." Scharf, who fell to his death while scaling the wall above a sixth-floor balcony, is survived by his loving parents, Mark and Anne, and his brother, Tony "Barf" Scharf.
I Need To Have A Sexy Back Now, Too? #~# Goddamn it. Just when I thought I was finally getting caught up. 
Magazine Says You Have Sex And The City Fever #~# NEW YORK—According to the new issue of Us magazine, you, like the rest of the nation, are caught up in Sex And The City fever. "Everybody's abuzz about Miranda's baby, Carrie and Aidan's breakup, and Samantha's shocking flirtation with monogamy," stated the article, which also noted that everybody, yourself included, can't stop talking about Sex And The City star Sarah Jessica Parker's recent Golden Globe win. The article was accompanied by a sidebar containing several "spoiler" factoids for upcoming episodes, which it correctly guessed you would not want to read.
Comeback Much Harsher Than Insult #~# MANKATO, MN—A gentle prod elicited a disproportionately harsh retort Monday, when office wag Kenneth Adamle was loudly told by coworker Bryan Lemon that at least Lemon's wife didn't cheat on him with a floor-tile installer. "Holy shit, I just said he's putting on a bit of a spare tire," a stunned Adamle said after the exchange. "What's up his ass that he's bringing up my divorce?"
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Described To Sioux City Relatives #~# FL, attempted to convey the taste, texture, and general deliciousness of Krispy Kreme doughnuts to their Sioux City relatives. "They're doughnuts, but not, like, doughnut-doughnuts," Phillip told second cousin Jon Colangelo. "They're not like the cakey, Dunkin' Donuts kind, but more like, you know, the ones that are more like bread, only fried or glazed or something." Over the course of the next 10 minutes, Melissa cited nearly a dozen other popular pastries for comparative purposes, prompting Colangelo to express hope that a Krispy Kreme outlet would one day open in Sioux City.
French Teacher Forces Student To Inform Her Of Bathroom Fire In French #~# FRANKFORT, KY—Jenny Block, a Crestwood High School ninth-grader, attempted to tell French teacher Madame Shapiro about a fire in the girls' second-floor bathroom Monday, only to be ordered to speak French. "En française," Shapiro told the frantic, wildly gesticulating Block. "S'il ya un feu dans le WC, dites-moi dans la langue propre. D'accord?" Block then tried to say, "Allyson Dorner threw a lit cigarette in the garbage, and it burst into flames, and now there's a huge fire spreading all over the bathroom!" in French, but got stuck on the word for "threw."
The Enron Scandal #~# Enron, which went bankrupt amid charges of document shredding, shady accounting, and executive greed, is the subject of a House hearing. What do you think?
Take This Job And Love It #~# Yo, yo, yo, H-Dog is back in tha house, all-new an' luvvin' tha boos in tha '02, know what I'm sayin'? First off, big upz to tha whole Midstate Office Supply Accountz Reeceevable posse, who took top honaz at tha officewide holiday banquet foe Best Departmental Attendance of 2001. Aw, yeah, you know how we do. 
Waitress Punished For Sins Of The World #~# FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Smitty's Family Restaurant customers have found in waitress Jennifer Marsh a handy scapegoat for the sins of the world, sources reported Tuesday. 
I Think I'll Pay Way Too Much For Quality Fashion Eyewear #~# When shopping for eyewear, I want a full range of all the latest styles from all the top designers. I want to see great-looking frames from big names like Jones NY, Dolce & Gabbana, Guess, BCBG, and French Connection. Unfortunately, that means going to a pricey store that charges an arm and a leg. But, as much as it kills me, that's exactly what I plan to do. There aren't any other options out there, so I have no choice but to pay way too much for quality fashion eyewear. 
Nation Welcomes Return Of Good Old-Fashioned Partisan Bickering #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Across the nation, Americans are heartened to see that after nearly five months of unity and cooperation, petty, partisan bickering is slowly returning to the halls of Congress. 
Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the theological giant's stranglehold on the religion industry "blatantly anti-competitive," a U.S. district judge ruled Monday that God is in violation of anti-monopoly laws and ordered Him to be broken up into several less powerful deities.
Lesbian Identity Ends Abruptly Mid-Junior Year #~# OBERLIN, OH—Three semesters after adopting the sexual identity, Amanda Oppel, a junior women's-studies major at Oberlin College, abruptly dropped her highly politicized lesbian stance Monday.
ER Doctor Secretly Thinks Of Self As Ward's George Clooney #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Dr. Andrew Lassiter, a St. Luke’s Medical Center emergency-room physician, secretly regards himself as the hospital’s real-life equivalent to George Clooney’s character on the hit NBC show ER. “He’d never admit it, but Andrew clearly thinks he’s St. Luke’s answer to Dr. Doug Ross,” said triage nurse Paulette Wyndham. “He has this cocky swagger, and whenever women are around, he turns on what he seems to think is some kind of manly, roguish charm.” Wyndham added that, with his diminutive stature, beady eyes, and bald head, Lassiter is more like Mercy’s Dr. Romano.
Super Bowl Halftime Shows #~# Through the years, the Super Bowl halftime show has been as much of a reason to tune in as the game itslef. Among the highlights:
Howie Long Expresses Desire To Direct Radio Shack Spots #~# LOS ANGELES— Pondering his next career move, Radio Shack pitchman and former NFL defensive end Howie Long told reporters Monday that he is interested in directing an upcoming installment of the series of commercials in which he playfully endorses high-tech gadgets with actress Teri Hatcher. "I've given it a lot of thought, and I think I'm ready to get behind the camera," Long said. "I've done the acting thing for a while now, and I just feel like it's time for a new challenge." Long said he could bring the kind of experience and insight to directing the commercials that only comes from having spent countless hours on the set.
Receptionist Takes Leave Of Absence Citing Dehydration, Exhaustion #~# QUINCY, IL— Citing "dehydration and exhaustion," a spokesperson for Andrea Conklin announced Monday that the Quincy dental receptionist will take an extended leave of absence. "The stress and strain of answering Dr. Taubman's phones all day long has finally taken its toll on Ms. Conklin," spokesman Chris Vinocur said. "Andrea is now in the care of her personal physician, who has recommended that she take two months off to regain her strength." Vinocur denied rumors in last week's National Enquirer that Conklin had checked into a drug-rehabilitation facility.
Consumer Reports Rates Self 'Excellent' #~# NEW YORK— Consumer Reports magazine earned a rating of "excellent" in its special "Consumer Advocacy Magazines" issue, which hit newsstands Tuesday. "From our exhaustive, unbiased appraisals of all types of consumer products to our clear, concise writing style, Consumer Reports is once again the undisputed winner," the article read. "For the latest in consumer information and product-safety recalls, look no further than us."
Enron Executives Blamed For Missing Employee Donut Fund #~# HOUSTON— The Enron Corp. scandal widened Monday, when The Houston Chronicle reported that top company executives stole nearly $10 from the employee donut fund sometime between June and August of last year. "There should be at least $9.25 in the coffee can next to the filters," said Laurie Baker, a recently laid-off Enron employee. "I personally put $2.50 into that fund, and now it's gone." Enron CEO Kenneth Lay is already under grand-jury subpoena regarding $45 in Chinese-food-delivery allocations that mysteriously vanished on Nov. 17, 2001.
Confused Marines Capture Al-Jazeera Leader #~# DOHA, QATAR— In a daring effort to dismantle the vast Arab network, a company of confused Marines raided Al-Jazeera headquarters Monday and captured leader Mohammed Abouzeid. "Al-Jazeera has ties to virtually every country in the Arab world, and this guy was the key to their whole operation," Lt. Warren Withers said. "Nothing went through the Al-Jazeera communications array without his go-ahead." Pentagon officials praised the soldiers for their "courageous and swift action," but noted they would have preferred that the Marines captured someone hostile to the U.S. instead.
Homeless People Shouldn't Make You Feel Sad Like That #~# I realize not everybody can make mid-six figures like my husband. But just because you're not as fortunate as others, that doesn't give you the right to go around depressing people. That's my problem with the homeless: They spend all their time shuffling around in their tattered, smelly clothes, making you feel awful about having a nice home and job. Well, I don't think they should make you feel sad like that. 
Who Do I Have To Blow To Win The Bancroft Prize In American History? #~# For the past seven years, I have devoted myself wholly to the task of studying the life of William Howard Taft, becoming, in the process, the world's foremost authority on our 27th president. I have delved deeply into both his personal and political history, tracing his journey from a hardscrabble Ohio boyhood to the highest office in the land. 
Peace Activist Has To Admit Barrett .50 Caliber Sniper Rifle Is Pretty Cool #~# BURLINGTON, VT—Despite his staunch opposition to the National Rifle Association and U.S. military operations in Afghanistan, peace activist Paul Robinson conceded Monday that the Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifle is "pretty damn cool." 
Developmentally Disabled Senator Wants To Be Treated Like Any Other Lawmaker #~# WASHINGTON, DC—When he was elected to the U.S. Senate in November 2000, Sen. Freddy Rigby (D-NE) knew he had a tough road ahead of him. Developmentally disabled since birth, Rigby's controversial election provoked reactions ranging from misty-eyed admiration to outrage. But to supporters and detractors alike, this very special senator makes one simple request: to be treated just like any other lawmaker. 
American Taliban #~# Debate is raging over the proper punishment for John Walker, the California 20-year-old who fought with the Taliban against the U.S. What do you think?
Weekend With Boyfriend's Parents Explains A Lot #~# ROCK HILL, SC—According to Julia Wasson, meeting Miriam and Karl Loftus, parents of her boyfriend Jay, "explained so much." 
Ford's $5 Billion Loss #~# Last week, Ford reported a $5 billion loss for the fourth quarter of 2001. What steps is the auto giant taking to resore profitability?
Antique Dealer Sick Of Appraising Smurf Collections #~# DULUTH, MN—Milton Jarry, an antique dealer with 29 years of experience buying and selling rare collectibles and furnishings, announced Monday that he is sick of estimating the value of Smurf collections and other "piles of pop-culture detritus."
Manufacturer Manufactures Love To Wife #~# WILMINGTON, DE—In an efficient and deeply meaningful act of sexual expression, eraser manufacturer Ted Wyczinski manufactured sweet love to his wife Monday after a romantic dinner at the Route 14 Red Lobster. "Nice work, honey," Wyczinski complimented his wife following the 20-minute coupling. "I thought that came out great."
WHO Pushes For More 'Ouchless' Adhesive Funding #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Amid mounting evidence of White House ties to Enron, President Bush attempted to distance himself from yet another failing Texas energy company Monday. "I have had no business dealings with this particular company," Bush said. "Why would anyone associate me with a Houston-based energy giant that's mismanaged itself into the ground?" Bush added that his oil company was already almost bankrupt when he took it over, and that it was not his decision to trade away Sammy Sosa.
The Thinkable Happens To Local Man #~# OLATHE, KS—The thinkable happened to area resident Bruce Conroy, 44, Monday, when the newspaper he was carrying fell out of his hand. "I can believe what I just saw," one witness told reporters. "In all my years, I can honestly say I've seen many things like that." An unshaken Conroy told reporters after the incident: "Who wouldn't have thought that this, or something very much like it, could happen?"
Bush Attempts To Distance Self From Yet Another Failed Business #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Amid mounting evidence of White House ties to Enron, President Bush attempted to distance himself from yet another failing Texas energy company Monday. "I have had no business dealings with this particular company," Bush said. "Why would anyone associate me with a Houston-based energy giant that's mismanaged itself into the ground?" Bush added that his oil company was already almost bankrupt when he took it over, and that it was not his decision to trade away Sammy Sosa.
China's Nuclear Buildup #~# According to a new CIA report, China is expected to have as many as 100 long-range nuclear missiles aimed at the U.S. by 2015. What do you think?
The Lord Of The Rings Is Hobbit-Forming! #~# Happy 2002! Whew, I'm glad we can put 2001 behind us with all that terrorism. It's a New Year, and already the grapevine is buzzing with Hollywood gossip! 
Peppy U.S. Teens Vow To Make This The Best Year Ever #~# WASHINGTON, DC—At a pep rally Monday on the National Mall, a coalition of enthusiastic U.S. teens vowed to make 2002 the "best year ever." 
Area Man Not Exactly Sure When To Take Down American Flags #~# UTICA, NY—After more than four months of proudly displaying American flags on his car, home, and body, 47-year-old computer consultant Jerry Wenger is uncertain when the appropriate time will be to take them down. 
The New iMac #~# Amid much fanfare, Apple's new iMac was unveiled last week. Among its notable features: 
Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils #~# HASAKE, SYRIA—When archaeologist Edward Whitson joined a Penn State University dig in Hasake last year, he did so to participate in the excavation of a Late Bronze Age settlement rich in pottery shards and clay figurines. Whitson had hoped to determine whether the items contained within the site were primarily Persian or Assyrian in origin. 
I'm Certain That Sex With A Redhead Will Be More Fulfilling Than Other Sex #~# When it comes to scoring with the ladies, I'm no slouch. In the past two weeks alone, there's been Nikki the legal secretary, Stephanie the cocktail waitress, and, of course, Alicia the flight attendant (she really put the "lay" in layover). But while these rolls in the hay were fun while they lasted, each ultimately left me with a vague, empty feeling inside. It's been that way with all my one-night stands. I'm not 100 percent positive, but I think it's because none of them have been redheads. 
Ted Danson Tries To Steer Interview Back Toward Becker #~# CHICAGO—During an interview Monday with CBS affiliate WBBM-TV, actor Ted Danson made repeated efforts to steer the conversation back toward his current series, Becker. "It's true, one of the ingredients that made Cheers work so well was the great ensemble of actors we had," Danson told Live At Five host Janet Pye, attempting to set up a Cheers-Becker segue. "That's the case with any good series, and it's certainly the case with—" Pye sabotaged the attempted transition by interjecting that Danson and Shelley Long had particularly good chemistry.
Opening Band Upstaged By Pre-Show Music #~# MINNEAPOLIS—The Vic Taybacks, opening for Superchunk at 400 Bar Tuesday, were upstaged by the pre-show music on the venue's sound system. "While we were setting up our stuff, [Hüsker Dü's] Flip Your Wig was playing, and the crowd was going nuts," said Vic Taybacks bassist Geoff Davis. "Then we started playing, and it got quiet and everybody just sort of drifted off to the bar." The band has previously been upstaged by Queen's Greatest Hits and the Repo Man soundtrack.
Black Gospel Choir Makes Man Wish He Believed In All That God Bullshit #~# COLUMBUS, OH—The gloriously jubilant gospel singing that pours forth each Sunday from Bethel African Methodist Episcopal Church is enough to make local resident Doug Kamin wish he believed in all that God bullshit.
Dating Tips #~# The dating world can be a bewildering place. Here are some tips to help you navigate the perilous waters of love: 
Treasury Department Badly Needs Ones And Fives #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Critically low on small denominations, the Treasury Department put out an urgent call for ones and fives Monday. 
Genetically Modified Broccoli Shrieks Benefits At Shopper #~# BREMERTON, WA— A head of genetically modified broccoli shrieked its numerous benefits at shoppers Monday in a Seattle-area Safeway. "I contain 40 percent more vitamin A than non-modified broccoli!" the head screeched at terrified produce-aisle customers. "I can fight off insects and disease without the use of pesticides!" Monsanto, makers of the vegetable, stressed that genetic-modification technology is still in its infancy, and that more pleasantly voiced broccoli should hit store shelves by 2003.
Parents' Password Cracked On First Try #~# REDONDO BEACH, CA— Nick Berrigan, 14, successfully hacked into his parents' AOL account on the first try Tuesday, correctly guessing that "Digby" was their password. "They actually used the dog's name," said Berrigan, deactivating the parental controls on his AOL account. "They don't give me much credit, do they?" Experts advise parents to secure Internet accounts with any password besides the name of a family pet.
Upset Woman Forced To Re-Sigh Louder #~# MCKEESPORT, PA— Failing to elicit sympathy or concern with her first attempt, Staffing Solutions office manager Connie Lindel was forced to re-sigh louder and more plaintively Monday. "Well, I guess I'll just turn off everyone else's lights at the end of the day myself," Lindel, 33, told coworkers before letting out a second, longer sigh. "Oh, well." Lindel, who was unable to elicit any measure of sympathy with the follow-up sigh, is expected to try again Thursday with her arms folded and significantly more resignation in her voice.
$5 Million Bounty Placed On Recession #~# WASHINGTON, DC— A determined President Bush posted a $5 million bounty on the nation's economic downturn Monday. "This recession may run its course, but it cannot hide," Bush said. "We will find you, and we will end you." Bush is also offering a $2 million reward for information leading to an increase in durable-goods orders in the second quarter.
Lee Greenwood Urges U.S. To Take Military Action Against Iraq #~# NASHVILLE, TN— With sales of "God Bless The U.S.A." waning after a five-month surge, country singer Lee Greenwood urged the U.S. to take military action against Iraq Monday. "Saddam Hussein is a despot with strong ties to terrorism, and his regime must be toppled," Greenwood said. "Unfortunately, our best chance of doing so is to send brave young American soldiers into dangerous, emotionally stirring combat situations." Greenwood added that he would probably be willing to perform his signature hit for the troops during a live CBS special if asked.
I Almost Lost It All #~# Hola, amigos. What say? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but your old pal Jim's been thicker than a donkey's dick with problems. 
The Cigarette Tax #~# Twenty-two states are considering raising cigarette taxes to generate extra revenue, and in New York City, the cost of a pack may reach $7. What do you think?
The New Sesame Street #~# For its 33rd season, which began last month, Sesame Street has been given its biggest overhaul ever. Among the changes:
Man Back With Woman His Best Friend Spent Week Criticizing #~# PHILADELPHIA—On Sunday, Chris Sorum, 26, rekindled his relationship with Kate Mulberry, the ex-girlfriend Sorum's best friend Danny Weir had spent the previous week mercilessly criticizing. 
Ad-Agency Art Director 'Humbly Honored' To Be Working With Absolut #~# NEW YORK—Roland Kiefer, a recently hired art director with the advertising agency TBWA/Chiat/Day, was overcome with emotion Monday upon learning that he will join the team responsible for the Absolut vodka campaign. 
March Named Breast Cancer Obliviousness Month #~# SAN FRANCISCO—The National Breast Cancer Obliviousness Foundation is gearing up for Breast Cancer Obliviousness Month, to be observed across the U.S. throughout the month of March. 
Who Knew It Would Be So Easy To Impersonate A Priest? #~# I've admired priests all my life. Whenever a priest walked into a room, everyone seemed to look at him with respect and admiration. I always thought it'd be great to be a priest, but the thought of going through years of vocational training and having to stop screwing women was too much for me. It was a glorious moment, indeed, when I realized I didn't need to do all that to become a priest. 
Warranty Outlasts Company #~# LODI, NJ— The five-year warranty for a UniTek MP3 player outlasted the product's manufacturer, which closed Monday after two years in business. "I still had more than four years left on that [warranty]," said Jeffrey Lalo, 44, who bought the MP3 player in June 2001. "Man, that sucks." Lalo said he plans to hang on to the certificate of warranty "just in case they somehow come back or something."
Man's Dream To Get Drunk In An A-Frame Finally Realized #~# GLENWOOD SPRINGS, CO— Pete Strausbaugh, 33, a Denver-area electrician, realized a longtime dream Saturday when he got drunk in an A-frame house. "Man, that was even better than I thought it would be," said Strausbaugh, finishing off a ninth Coors Light in the living room of his A-frame at Sunlight Mountain ski resort. "It's not quite up there with being drunk in a treehouse, but still." Strausbaugh later announced that his new ambition is to get baked at Niagara Falls.
Conrad Bain Steps Down As National Kitsch-Reference Laureate #~# WASHINGTON, DC— Actor Conrad Bain, known to millions as Philip Drummond on the hit '70s sitcom Diff'rent Strokes, stepped down Monday from the post of National Kitsch-Reference Laureate. "I am extremely proud to have served my country for the past 11 years in my humorous-referential capacity," Bain said. "Almost as proud as I was of Willis and Arnold that time they went on the hunger strike to save the ancient Indian burial ground that my construction company was going to tear up for a new building." Bain added that he is fully confident that his successor, Ron "Horshack" Palillo, "will serve the nation with distinction and honor."
Guy Who Just Wiped Out Immediately Claims He's Fine #~# SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT— A fraction of a second after wiping out on a patch of ice, South Burlington pedestrian Isaac Berkman loudly insisted that he was fine. "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine," Berkman, 24, told concerned onlookers before he even straightened his badly twisted legs and attempted to stand up. "I'm okay." After noticing a deep gash just below his left knee, Berkman instantly assured witnesses that the heavily bleeding wound was "no biggie" and "totally under control."
Dog Keeps Iceland Awake All Night #~# REYKJAVIK, ICELAND— The nation of Iceland was tired and cranky Monday after being kept up all night by a howling dog. "People were complaining as far away as Seyhisfjórdhur," said President Ólafur Grimsson, brewing an extra pot of coffee. "The sound carries a long way up here." Grimsson said none of Iceland's 280,000 citizens were close enough to the dog—believed to have been stranded on an ice floe near Vestmannaeyjar—to throw a shoe at it.
New Bin Laden Tape Contains Three Previously Unreleased Monologues #~# ATLANTA— A new Osama bin Laden videotape acquired by CNN from Al-Jazeera features three previously unreleased anti-U.S. rants and harangues by the terrorist leader, excited network sources said Monday. "One piece goes on for 45 minutes and is entirely about the need to bring down the Great Satan," CNN spokesman Gil Eckert said. "In another, shorter piece, he's sitting in a dank cave, cryptically telling some guy off camera about the 'great victory' Allah will enjoy in the very near future." The eagerly anticipated tape, the first new material from bin Laden in more than two months, hits video stores Tuesday.
The Axis Of Evil #~# President Bush's State of the Union pronouncement that North Korea, Iran, and Iraq represent an "Axis of Evil" continues to spark debate. What do you think?
Women's Olympic Bobsled Team Hopes To Inspire Young Girls To Bobsled #~# SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Olympic bobsledders Jean Racine and Gea Johnson have two major goals for the Salt Lake City Games. The first is to win the gold medal. The second is to let young girls know that they, too, can pursue their bobsled dreams. 
18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown #~# PESHTIGO, WI—In a miracle that defies statistical probability, Corey Muntner, 18, reported Monday that he found his soulmate, Tammy Gaska, right in his very own hometown of Peshtigo. 
Chat-Room Shorthand #~# From LOL (Laugh Out Loud) ro BRB (be Right Back), Internet chat rooms hav a shorthand all their own. Among the most popular abbreviations:
Americans Would Be Outraged If They Understood Enron Collapse #~# HOUSTON—According to an independent report released Monday, Americans would be outraged if they had a basic grasp of the details of the Enron collapse, in which company executives concealed massive debt while claiming profitability and then declared bankruptcy, bilking investors and employees out of millions as they made off with a fortune. 
That Trip To Canada Really Broadened My Horizons #~# It's sad, but some people don't realize what a big world it is. They don't see how much there is to learn from other cultures. Me, I've never shied away from exposing myself to foreign ways of life: From drinking margaritas in Key West to riding the teacups at Disneyland, I've been a lot of places and seen a lot of things. But when I took a trip to the Great White North last month, I had no idea how much it would broaden my horizons and open up my mind.
This $29 Will Feed My Family Or Put A Pittsburgh Steelers Cap On My Head #~# Man, there's that Steelers cap I've had my eye on. We're talking the real deal here, an official NFL Pro Line sideline cap—the exact one Coach Cowher wears on Sundays. I've had my eye on that baby for a while now, and it's time I made my decision. It all boils down to this: the cap or a hot meal for the wife and kids. 
Work Friends Not Mingling With Other Friends #~# CHICAGO—Following a party celebrating her 26th birthday Saturday, a disappointed Kristin Thennes reported that her friends from work failed to mingle with her other friends.
Don't Tell Me You've Never Wondered What Yoda's Penis Looks Like #~# Oh, come on. All the times you've watched Star Wars movies, it's never crossed your mind even once? You're just going to play dumb and say, "Oh, gee, no, that never occurred to me"? Give me a break. Don't even try to tell me you've never wondered what Yoda's penis looks like. 
Wedding Enjoyed By No One But Bride #~# NEW ROCHELLE, NY—The lavish, 250-guest wedding of James and Mindy Gallagher, held Sunday at the New Rochelle Country Club, was enjoyed by no one but the bride.
Actors Decide To Go On With Sitcom Despite Cancellation #~# BURBANK, CA—Showing the heart and determination that was their show's hallmark throughout its 13-week run, the stars of NBC's Stop The Presses have decided to go on with the series despite its Feb. 5 cancellation. 
Senate Subcommittee On Energy And Water Development More Like A Family #~# WASHINGTON, DC— Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM), ranking Republican on the Senate Subcommittee on Energy and Water Development, revealed Monday that the group is "less a Senate subcommittee than a big family. "[Senator] Harry [Reid (D-NV)] isn't just chairman of our subcommittee. He's more like a dad to us," Domenici said. "We can talk to him about anything that's troubling us, even if it has nothing to do with the allocation of hydroelectric power."
Vanquished Foe's Skull Makes Surprisingly Bad Wine Goblet #~# DEATH MOUNTAIN— The skull of Wynric Lance, failed claimant to the throne of Eirea, does not make as good a wine goblet as Lord Shryke had imagined, the despot revealed Monday. "This damn thing is practically impossible to drink out of," said Shryke at a banquet celebrating the defeat of the Army Of Light. "You have to hold it just right to keep the wine from spilling over the parietal bones where they connect with the occipital. And there's a leak in the left temple. As much as I love the idea of using it, it's just stupid and impractical." Shryke concluded that while he might end up drinking from Lance's skull "occasionally, for show," he plans to retain his set of brass flutes for everyday use.
Woman Who Claims Book Changed Her Life Has Not Changed #~# MEMPHIS, TN— Despite claims that Bruce Wilkinson's The Prayer Of Jabez: Breaking Through To The Blessed Life, "totally changed [her] worldview," payroll secretary Brenda Haskell is the same shallow, distracted person she has always been. "Yeah, ever since reading it, she's really been elevated to a higher, more profound spiritual plane," coworker Stephanie Roule said. "I guess that's the spiritual plane where you spend all day obsessing over your nails."
Moviegoer Can Already See Where Commercials Will Go #~# MILTON, MA— Twenty minutes into a screening of Disney's Snow Dogs Monday, moviegoer Ryan Friesen announced that he can already tell where the commercial breaks will be inserted when the film is aired on ABC sometime in 2003. "Right there… commercial," Friesen said to himself as Cuba Gooding Jr., who stars as a Miami dentist who inherits an dogsled team, heads off to Alaska. "That'll be the first break, right around 8:20 p.m., assuming they start it at 8." Friesen has previously called the commercial breaks for the films Jumanji, Home Alone 2, and Twister with 80 percent accuracy.
Smiling Willie Nelson Reflects On A Lifetime Of Weed And Women #~# LUCK , TX— Taking a long, slow drag off a joint, country-music legend Willie Nelson reflected on a lifetime of weed and women Monday. "I've had some pretty fine times," said a smiling Nelson between hits at his West Texas ranch. "And some pretty fine ladies. Some of the names have escaped me, but the memories never will." Nelson then retired to his backyard, where he drank beer and strummed his favorite guitar while watching the sun go down.
Holocaust Museum Cashier Has Yet Another Depressing Day #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Alyssa Kaplan, 20, a cashier at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, had yet another in a seemingly endless string of depressing days Monday. 
The Defense Budget #~# President Bush's proposed $379 billion defense budget would be the largest increase in two decades. What do you think?
Incurable Romantic? Guilty As Charged! #~# Next to Christmas, my favorite holiday has to be Valentine's Day. In fact, I just got done decorating the windows of our apartment with teeny hearts cut out of red tissue paper, an annual ritual of mine. And, without fail, my efforts always get the same reaction from hubby Rick: "Geez, Jean, did they rezone the red-light district right through our place? Where's the whores?" 
The New Dating Shows #~# From Blind Date to Dismissed to The Fifth Wheel, a new wave of dating shows is sweeping the airwaves. Why are people watching?
When You Are Ready To Have A Serious Conversation About Green Lantern, You Have My E-Mail Address #~# I consider you a friend, Douglas. Together, we have shared many adventures, from waiting in line for the Star Wars: Episode I premiere to meeting Mark "Dukat" Alaimo at ComiCon 2001. Your friendship is as valuable to me as my Michael York-autographed DVD of Logan's Run.
Valentine's Day Coming A Little Early In Relationship #~# MONROE, MI— Area resident Todd Munde, who has been dating Lisa Watros for the past three weeks, lamented Monday that Valentine’s Day is coming a little early in the couple’s relationship. “It’s kind of weird to be doing the whole romantic flowers-and-candy Valentine’s Day thing with somebody you just started seeing,” said Munde, 30. “Ideally, we would have started dating last October. That way, Valentine’s Day would have fallen somewhere around the four-month mark. Oh, well.”
Planning A Dinner Party #~# Here are some helpful hints to make your next dinner party a smashing success:
Semester Abroad Spent Drinking With Other American Students #~# SEVILLE, SPAIN—Jon Blevins, an Indiana University junior studying in Seville, has spent nearly all of his semester abroad drinking with other American college students.
GE Ad Trumpets Company's Government-Ordered Environmental Cleanup #~# PITTSFIELD, MA—A new television commercial from General Electric, unveiled Tuesday, proudly trumpets the company's federally mandated cleanup of a river it polluted. 
Secretary's Day Has Become So Commercialized #~# Is nothing sacred? 
Jerry Always Willing To Pick Up Overtime #~# BOISE, ID— Boise Tool & Die sources reported Monday that machinist Jerry Tepper, 48, is always willing to pick up overtime, should anyone wish to cut out early. "I don't know, maybe his wife is sick or something," foreman Don Jeske said. "Whatever the reason, Jerry's the go-to guy if you're looking to take off. He just can't resist the extra cash."
Annoying Ad Turns Man Pro-Whaling #~# NASHUA, NH— A TV ad for WhaleSave sufficiently irritated local resident Nathan Mimms to cause him to reverse his longtime anti-whaling stance. "Christ, this is annoying," said Mimms during a Monday airing of the spot, which features images of majestic whales rising out of the ocean as Enya's "Fallen Embers" plays. "Fuck the whales. I'd rather they go extinct if it means never having to see this ad again."
Philip Morris CEO Forces Senator To Dance For His Amusement #~# WASHINGTON, DC— Bored and in need of amusement, Philip Morris CEO Louis Camilleri commanded U.S. Sen. John Edwards (D-NC) to dance for him Monday. "Dance!" Camilleri told a whirling, diaper-clad Edwards as Buster Poindexter's "Hot Hot Hot" blared. "And keep the beat, if you want that $275,000 contribution to your reelection campaign." Later this week, Edwards is slated to don a cowgirl costume and twirl sparklers to Phil Collins' "Sussudio" for General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner.
Film Critic Belatedly Comes Up With Swordfish Zinger #~# AMARILLO, TX— Some seven months after the film's theatrical release, Amarillo Globe-News movie critic Irwin Hough thought up a brilliant put-down for Swordfish Monday. "Make no mistake, I'm proud of the line I thought up at the time, 'This Fish should have been tossed back,'" Hough said. "But I have to admit, that just isn't as sharp as 'Swordfish is one cold fish that deserves to tank.'"
Report: Recently Laid-Off Workers Not Doing Enough To Help Economy #~# WASHINGTON, DC— According to a Labor Department report released Monday, Americans who lost their jobs in the past year are doing little to aid the recovery of the nation's economy. "Unemployed Americans are neglecting their patriotic duties by spending far less than the gainfully employed," the report read. "Until these laid-off workers start pitching in and buying things, America's economy will continue to stagnate." The report did note that jobless citizens have strongly supported America's fortified-wine industry.
The Tyson Split #~# On Jan. 17, Dr. Monica Tyson, wife of boxer Mike Tyson, filed for divorce. What grounds did she cite in the legal papers?
Indo-Pakistani Tensions Mount At Local Amoco #~# DETROIT—Indo-Pakistani tensions continue to escalate this week at the Eight-Mile and Telegraph Road Amoco, where hostilities between owner Rajesh Srinivasan and in-store Subway mini-franchise manager Majid Ashraf threaten to spill over into all-out war. 
Every Social Gathering Is A Chance To Hustle For Contacts #~# Social engagements mean different things to different people. For some, they're an occasion to get together with old friends and share some laughs. For others, they're a chance to maybe meet that special someone. For me, social gatherings are much more than that: They're a golden opportunity to hustle for contacts. 
Who Needs A Good Cock-Punching? #~# On Jan. 17, Dr. Monica Tyson, wife of boxer Mike Tyson, filed for divorce. What grounds did she cite in the legal papers?
Father Bitter That Son Has Everything He Never Had #~# WICHITA, KS—Local pharmacist Ed Raschi, 52, admitted Monday that he is occasionally bitter that his son Brandon has everything he never had growing up. 
Bush Earmarks 1.5 Billion Gold Stars For Education #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Vowing to give the nation's public schools "a much-needed boost," President Bush announced Monday that his 2003 budget proposal would allocate 1.5 billion gold-star stickers for education. 
Deaf Man's Deaf Friends Way Too Into Deaf Culture #~# COLUMBIA, MD—Jonathan Deeds, a 26-year-old Rockville resident who lost his hearing as an infant, feels a growing sense of alienation from his deaf friends, who he says are "way too into" deaf culture. 
Showers With Girlfriend Increasingly Cleansing-Focused #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL— Over the past two months, Jeff Pinnock's showers with girlfriend Angela Dunn have gradually shifted in focus from sex play to actual body-cleansing. "When we first started dating, she'd ask me to 'wash' her breasts, and I'd ask her to help me soap up my penis," the 23-year-old Pinnock disclosed Monday. "Now, we both mostly just clean ourselves."
The Al-Qaeda Captives #~# U.S. leaders are divided over whether al-Qaeda detainees in Cuba should be classified as POWs and protected under Geneva Convention laws. What do you think?
Man Hopes Hot Woman In Next Apartment Can Hear How Well He's Fucking His Girlfriend #~# MIRAMAR, FL—During sexual intercourse Monday, Curtis Davie, 23, hoped that his attractive neighbor could hear the pleasured moans of his girlfriend through his apartment wall. "Don't get me wrong, things are going great with Amy," Davie said. "But it certainly never hurts to have a hot chick next door who secretly knows you're a sexual dynamo." To increase his chances of being heard, Davie is considering moving his bed to the wall between his apartment and the neighbor's, or at least closer to the shared air duct. 
E.T. Toys Forced On Uninterested Children #~# CHERRY HILL, NJ—Across the nation, toys and other merchandise produced for the 20th-anniversary rerelease of E.T. are being foisted upon uninterested children. "This is the alien spaceship, but it doesn't even have any guns or anything," said Robbie Guyton, 6, attempting to make sense of toys bought for him by his mother, who fell in love with the heartwarming Steven Spielberg classic two decades ago as a 10-year-old girl. "The E.T. monster is ever weirder: It's, like, all naked and shriveled, and it doesn't have any battle armor. It's not scary at all." Guyton tried to figure out how to activate the death laser on the E.T. doll's finger, but was unable. 
School Board Adopts Gay-Ass Uniform Policy #~# LOS ANGELES—Seeking to reduce incidents of student violence and insubordination, the Los Angeles Unified School District voted 9-3 Monday to institute a gay-ass uniform policy. "We feel these lame uniforms, with their dorky ties and dipwad school crests, will help create a school environment more conducive to learning," said LAUSD board officer Jefferson Crain. "We foresee fewer outbursts when students are forced to walk around in these retardo suits." 
Man Bitten By Radioactive Sloth Does The Lying-Around-All-Day Of 10 Normal Men #~# CENTRAL CITY—Laboratory assistant Brent Barker, bitten by a radioactive sloth last week in a freak lab accident, now possesses the relative loafing powers of 10 men. "Could someone pass me some more crackers?" asked the media-dubbed "Crimson Lump," speaking from his titanium sofa, the only known object that can withstand his superhuman lethargy. "I can't reach them from here." Scientists are likewise baffled at Barker's uncanny ability to remain motionless while watching amounts of television that would kill an ordinary mortal. 
Hey, Everybody, Let's Put On An Avant-Garde Show! #~# Say, gang, did you hear the news? Rotten old Banker Mudge wants to tear down our clubhouse and put up a big office building in its place. Can you believe it? Us kids will have no place to go! Well, doggone it, I won't stand for it, and neither should any of the other kids here in Gurdeyville! I just know if we put our thinking caps on, we can figure a way out of this jam. 
Now, There's A Stranger Who Could Use Some Of My Child-Rearing Advice #~# All too often in this world, we turn a blind eye to those who could use a helping hand. Now, I'm no saint, but I just can't look away when I see people who need help. Like, if a couple on the street is having an argument, I'll step in and try to help them resolve their issues. More often than not, the couple is so stunned by the caring and concern shown by a total stranger that they completely forget whatever it was they were fighting about. 
Excited Catholics Already Lining Up For Pope's Funeral #~# VATICAN CITY–Their numbers reaching into the hundreds, excited Catholics are lining up in front of St. Peter's Basilica in the hopes of scoring a seat for the upcoming funeral of Pope John Paul II. 
Drugs Now Legal If User Is Employed #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to "narrow the focus of the drug war to the true enemy," Congress passed a bill legalizing drug use for the gainfully employed Monday. 
Gay Adoption #~# Rosie O'Donnell, an adoptive parent and newly out lesbian, called Florida's and President Bush's opposition to gay adoption "wrong." What do you think?
Colombian Rebel 25 Years Younger Than Colombian Civil War #~# MITÚ, COLOMBIA—Alberto Diaz, 14, a Marxist guerrilla fighter in the Colombian civil war, is 25 years younger than the war itself. "President Arango and his corrupt right-wing regime must fall," said the pubescent Diaz, whose rebel group, the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, has been trying to topple the government since the early 1960s. "This has been my dream ever since 1999, when I was just an 11-year-old child." Diaz then popped a pimple on his chin and wiped the pus on the barrel of his AK-47. 
Kmart's Woes #~# Kmart, Martha Stewart, bankruptcy
Driver's Ed Class Finally Gets To See Legendary Safety Film #~# NEW BEDFORD, MA– After months of eager anticipation, the second-period driver's-education class at Lincoln Memorial High School finally got to see the legendary highway safety film Wheels Of Tragedy Monday.
Area Man Has Complete Prison-Survival Strategy Mapped Out #~# SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Josh Kroll, 32, an Atlanta-area database administrator, has his complete prison-survival strategy mapped out in the unlikely event that he is ever jailed.
Hilarious Hamlet Essay Circulated In Teachers' Lounge #~# WILLIAMSPORT, PA—A 10th-grader's hilariously inept essay on Hamlet was circulated in the Williamsport West High School faculty lounge Monday, eliciting mockery and bemused head-shaking from the teachers. 
Atonal Composers Gather For Atony Awards #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA— The recording industry's top atonal composers gathered in Los Angeles Monday for the gala seventh annual Atony Awards. "Tonight is hostile music's biggest night," said Krzysztof Penderecki, nominee in the Most Dissonant Piece category. "I can't tell you what a thrill it is to be here, surrounded by so many legends of arrhythmic cacophony." The highlight of the evening is expected to be the awarding of the Olivier Messiaen Lifetime Achievement Award to Karlheinz Stockhausen for "more than five decades of aggressively impenetrable anti-music." 
Waitress Only Friendly When Bringing The Check #~# MURFREESBORO, TN— According to customers at Po' Boys Family Restaurant, waitress Melanie Bostic is only friendly when bringing the check. "About 10 minutes after I sat down, she walks over and says, 'Know whatcha want?' No 'hi' or anything," customer Bruce Banda said. "Then, when I'm done eating, all of a sudden I get a big smile and my name is 'Honey.'" Fellow customer Sandi Herzog agreed. "The placemats boast of Po' Boys' 'Famous Friendly Service,'" Herzog said. "That probably should say, 'Famous Curt, Inconsiderate Service Until We Want You To Pay And Leave.'" 
SLA Murder Trial Nostalgic Trip Back To More Innocent Time #~# INDEPENDENCE, MO— The murder trial of three Symbionese Liberation Army members is providing Americans with a nostalgic escape to a carefree, more innocent time. "Oh, man, Patty Hearst and the SLA. That takes me back to high school," said Ralph Henderson, 43, an Independence-area dentist. "Pet rocks, Jerry Ford jokes, small bands of kooky, disorganized terrorists shooting up local banks… Those were the days."
Shadow Government Attracts Shadow Protesters #~# UNDISCLOSED LOCATION— Decrying various unspecified aspects of the U.S. Shadow Government, an indeterminate number of Shadow Protesters gathered outside the organization's mountain retreat, sealed germ-free vault, or underground bunker, on Monday. "We unfortunately cannot comment on our feelings about the Shadow Government at this time," said an unnamed protester, neither confirming nor denying reports that he or she accused the Shadow Government of violating the U.S. Constitution. After 20 minutes of protest, the group was dispersed by members of the Shadow Secret Service, who used "means at their disposal." 
Indian-American Child Having Difficulty Finding Bicycle License Plate With His Name On It #~# HAYWARD, CA— Dinesh Parekh, 9, continues to struggle to find a bicycle license plate with his name on it, the Indian-American child reported Monday. "This is the third store I've checked today," said a dejected Parekh, exiting a Toys "R" Us near his Hayward home. "Derrick, Diane, Dillon and Dylan, Dirk… no Dinesh." Parekh, who has pedaled his brand-new Schwinn to more than a dozen stores during his three-week search, said he plans to ask his mother to drive him to the KB Toys in San Leandro next weekend. 
Allow Me To Introduce You To The Other Members Of Alpha Bravo Team #~# Hello, sir. I'm Rawlings, head of the Department for Special Acquisitions and Liquidations. Allow me to welcome you to the DSAL. I appreciate you coming from Zurich on such short notice. How was your flight? Yes, I know, the Concorde isn't all it's cracked up to be, but we needed you here fast. Time is of the essence. This is our car. 
The Nuclear Response #~# Calling nuclear retaliation against attackers "an option," President Bush wants to build up the U.S. nuclear arsenal as a means of deterrence. What do you think?
Gores Enjoying Best Sex Of Their Lives #~# NEW YORK—More than a year removed from public office, former vice president Al Gore and his wife Tipper are enjoying the best sex of their lives, the happy couple reported Monday. 
E.T.: The Extra Material #~# Steven Spielberg, digital remastering
Girl, She Means Nothing To Me #~# Aw, girl. You know I would never hurt you for all the gold and diamonds on Earth. You know I am your Smoove Man. And that is why I am begging you to look into your heart and forgive me for the wrong which I have done.
11-Year-Olds' Entire Plan For Night Is To Smoke Cigarettes #~# PINE BLUFF, AR—Lee Brandt, 11, a fifth-grader at North Woods Elementary School, announced Monday that he and his friends plan to spend Friday night smoking cigarettes.
Corporation Reaches Goal, Shuts Down #~# AUSTIN, TX—After 18 years of striving, Dell Computer finally reached its long-stated goal to be the worldwide leader in computing systems Monday and promptly ceased operations.
Study Finds Sexism Rampant In Nature #~# SAN DIEGO—According to a University of California–San Diego study released Monday, sexism is rampant throughout the natural world, particularly among the highest classes of vertebrates. 
New U.S. Currency Expires If Not Spent In Two Weeks #~# WASHINGTON, DC— Seeking to stimulate consumer spending, the Treasury Department unveiled "QuikCash," a new U.S. currency that expires two weeks from the date of its issuance. "America, get ready to spend," Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill said Monday. "QuikCash is our exciting new way to jump-start the economy while telling our valued citizens, 'Hey, go get yourself something nice. Now.'"
Scotland More Relaxed When Sean Connery Is Away #~# EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—The people of Scotland felt a little calmer and more at ease Monday, when actor Sean Connery left the country to shoot a film in Morocco. "Don't misunderstand, we are quite proud of Mr. Connery," Scottish First Minister Jim Wallace said. "It's just that he's a rather intense fellow, and it's nice to have a little time without him." Connery is expected to be away for seven weeks, giving the nation the opportunity to hold a number of relaxed, Connery-free outdoor festivals.
Olympic Skier Stares Down Icy, Forbidding Slope Of Rest Of Life #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO— Two weeks after returning from the Salt Lake City Games, U.S. Olympic skier Courtney Roth, 31, found herself staring down the icy, forbidding slope that is her future Monday. "I got an offer to do a supermarket opening in Denver next week," Roth said, "and it looks like I may sign on to promote the new popcorn shrimp they've got over at Lou's Lobster House." Following several months of three-figure endorsement deals, Roth will land a job in Vail teaching skiing to surly, spoiled 5- to 10-year-olds for the rest of her life.
Home-Brewing Phase Comes To Long-Overdue Conclusion #~# BETHEL PARK, PA— Local resident Randy Paltz's two-year home-brewing phase finally came to its long-overdue conclusion Tuesday. "Thank God, it's over at last," said Andrea Longo, girlfriend of the 33-year-old beer aficionado. "Every few weeks, he'd make a big production about his latest 'Paltz's Signature Brew.' It all tasted the same—like really thick, shitty beer." Friend Tim Traschel also expressed relief, saying, "Now I can actually go to his house and bring some Michelob without getting a lecture about the low quality of hops in commercial beers."
It Was The Eighth Subscription Card That Convinced Me #~# Every now and then, I'll pick up a copy of Sports Illustrated, usually when the cover story grabs my interest. But for all the times I've bought SI off the newsstand, I'd never really thought about subscribing. That is, until last Friday, when that eighth subscription card fell out of the issue I was reading. Yes, that was the one that convinced me. 
Military Promises 'Huge Numbers' For Gulf War II: The Vengeance #~# WASHINGTON, DC—At a Pentagon press conference Monday, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld touted the military's upcoming Gulf War II: The Vengeance as "even better than the original." 
The Andrea Yates Trial #~# Andrea Yates, on trial for the drowning of her five children in the bathtub of their Houston home, has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. What do you think?
Sociology 101 Assignment Stretched To Incorporate '70s Punk Rock #~# COLUMBIA, MO—A Sociology 101 paper on the theories of 19th-century French sociologist Émile Durkheim was stretched to incorporate the 1970s British punk-rock scene, sources close to the paper's author, University of Missouri freshman Justin Hoyer, reported Monday. 
Shame On You, Wynonna Rider #~# Item! A thief in Hollywood? Say it ain't so! Wynonna Rider, who delighted us in Alien 3, Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael, and 1969, was recently arrested for shoplifting. It's true, loyal readers, they caught her red-handed taking handbags (remember when they used to call them "purses"?) from an expensive Beverly Hills store. Well, let me be the first to say shame on you, Wynonna! I know stars sometimes think they are above the law. (Heck, I'm probably as much to blame as anyone, since I've said stars are better people than us.) But to betray our trust like that! People look up to you, Wynonna. Please, think about the movie fans who hold you dear in their heart before you run off and do something like that again. 
Botox And Beyond #~# Botox, which eliminates facial wrinkles via a small injection of botulism, is all the rage. What are some other hot cosmetic procedures?
Man Can't Get Police To Care About His Bob Crane Murder Theory #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ— Despite his best efforts, Paul Bernardin, 38, has been unable to get the Scottsdale Police Department to care about his theory regarding the unsolved 1978 murder of actor Bob Crane in Scottsdale. “[Bernardin] keeps coming in here saying he knows who killed Col. Hogan,” police chief Walter Dunfey said Monday. “Then he usually goes off on how the electrical cord Crane was strangled with doesn’t match the ones in the other rooms of the hotel he was in. What am I supposed to do with that information?” Bernardin, Dunfey said, is also convinced that the police possess Crane’s infamous stash of self-produced amateur pornography.
Item Found In Garbage To Be Turned Into Lamp Someday #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Joe Lennek, 24, a part-time pizza delivery driver and 1997 University of Minnesota dropout, rescued a three-foot length of metallic pipe from the trash Monday in the hopes of one day converting it into a lamp.
Bush Calls On Business Leaders To Create 500,000 Shitty Jobs By 2003 #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a keynote address at the National Economic Summit, President Bush issued a bold challenge to the nation's business leaders Monday, calling on them to create 500,000 shitty jobs by next year. 
Denver Optometrist Not Sure Why He Has Gay Cult Following #~# LAKEWOOD, CO—Gene Podrewski, a Denver-area optometrist and father of two, expressed befuddlement Monday over his status as a gay camp icon. 
Paleontology Class Winces Whenever Fundamentalist Kid Raises Hand #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA— The 24 other students in a Penn State Paleontology 101 discussion section wince with dread whenever fundamentalist Christian Joseph Moseley raises his hand, classmates reported Tuesday. "As soon as that guy's hand shoots up, the whole class tenses up and is like, 'Oh, God, here we go again,'" classmate Colin Herberger said. "I think he thinks he plays a valuable role in the class, acting as the 'opposing viewpoint,' but it's just annoying."
Area Man Plays 'Imagine' Every Time He Sees A Piano #~# SALEM, OR— Friends of Bill Moreland expressed irritation Monday over the 29-year-old's habit of playing John Lennon's "Imagine" whenever a piano is in sight. "It's like this desperate grab for attention he tries to pass off as totally casual," friend Alan Carter said. "He'll sit down at the piano with this really deep look on his face, then launch into those really simple first few bars, expecting everyone to be amazed and moved." Friends say the habit has persisted since Moreland was in the fifth grade, when he switched to "Imagine" from the Jaws theme.
Dog Chastised For Acting Like Dog #~# SACRAMENTO, CA— Obeying the instincts bred into him by millions of years of evolution, Shiner, a 2-year-old golden retriever, incurred his owner's wrath Monday by acting like a dog. "Stop barking at that damn squirrel!" Terri Solanis shouted at the dog. "Can't you sit still for five minutes?" Solanis has previously scolded Shiner for sniffing feces encountered on the sidewalk, licking his own groin, and wolfing down his food.
U.N. Tribunal Swayed By Thousands Of Children's Letters To Milosevic #~# THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS— Members of the U.N. war-crimes tribunal were swayed in favor of former Yugoslav president Slobodan Milosevic Monday, when sack after sack of letters from children around the world were heaped onto the presiding judge's desk. "Dear Mr. Milosevic, please get out of jail soon!" read one letter from 6-year-old Brittany White of Houston. Another, from 10-year-old Xiang Xiu of Beijing, read: "We love you, Slobodan! The children of China pray for you!!!" Judge Richard George May, deeply moved by the outpouring of love, ruled that Milosevic is a treasure to children of all ages and then freed him with a bang of his gavel.
Book-Club Meeting Degenerates Into Discussion Of Oscars #~# MINOT, ND— A weekly meeting of the Minot Public Library's "Book Buddies" club degenerated into a discussion of the upcoming Academy Awards Tuesday. "We were talking about that week's book, A Bend In The Road by Nicholas Sparks, when somebody asked if anyone had seen the movie version of [Sparks'] A Walk To Remember," group leader Ellen Talmadge said. "Then Bill [Polk] asked if anybody had seen John Q. After that, we never really got back to the book." Talmadge added that she considers Nicole Kidman "a lock" for her performance in Moulin Rouge.
Youth Is Wasted On The Young vs. Medication Is Wasted On The Old #~# They say hindsight is 20/20 and, boy, are they right. Young people fritter away the gifts of youth, wasting their time on silly video games and whatnot. Don't they understand how important it is to make the most of your life while you're still young? 
The Saudi Peace Plan #~# A Middle East peace plan from Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah has generated hope among both Palestinians and Israelis. What do you think?
Bono To The Rescue #~# Called "rock's conscience," U2 frontman and political crusader has met with everyone from Kofi Annan to Colin Powell. What has he been doing recently?
Are You Coming To My Show Tonight? #~# Hey, man, what are you up to tonight? You should totally come to my show at The Shack. We're on a triple bill with Meat Hammer and The Subpoenaed.
McDonald's Drops 'Hammurderer' Character From Advertising #~# OAK BROOK, IL—Bowing to outcry from consumers and parents groups, the McDonald’s Corporation announced Monday that it is discontinuing its new advertising mascot, “The Hammurderer,” a mischievous, homicidal imp who kills McDonaldland characters and takes their sandwiches. 
Area Man Perpetually In Process Of Buying Or Selling Car #~# MARION, IL—Local resident Don Liman, 49, is almost constantly in the process of buying, selling, or preparing to buy or sell a car, sources reported Monday.
Man Turns Vegetarian For 36 Hours #~# WAUSAU, WI— Local resident Alvin Wanamaker swore off all meat products for 36 hours, from Friday morning to late Saturday afternoon. "I was planning to go vegetarian for life," Wanamaker said Monday. "But then I figured, hey, there's hot dogs in the fridge, and they'll just go to waste." Wanamaker made headlines last year for his strict three-day exercise regimen of 100 sit-ups every morning. 
Opium-Inspired Ad Executive Composes Epic Tums Jingle #~# CHICAGO— An eight-hour opium binge resulted in a towering work of advertising Sunday, when DDB Needham copywriter Brian Lisi gave birth to an epic 400-line radio jingle for Tums. "When Vulcan's fires spout and rage / within a roiling acid sea / let work the soothing tablet Tums / The Hell-sear'd forge within becomes / sweet alkaloid esprit," the jingle begins before detouring into iceberg imagery believed to represent Tums' new "Cool Relief" flavor. The ad, which begins production in June, is expected to run nearly 90 minutes. 
Why Do Porn Actors Have To Use Such Foul Language? #~# Like many people, I enjoy pornographic movies. But I've got a major bone to pick with the actors. It's gotten to the point where you can't watch a porno without being inundated by swearing. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to enjoy a hardcore sex scene, only to have it ruined by the participants screaming, "F– my p–" and, "Oh, yeah, suck my big, hard you-know-what, baby." Is it really necessary to resort to such foul language? 
Fashion Industry Pretends To Care About Plus-Size Models #~# NEW YORK— In a pretend show of support for larger women, the May issue of Vogue features a 16-page spread focusing on plus-size models. "These plus-size beauties are every bit as gorgeous as the models you usually see in magazines," said Vogue editor Anna Wintour, who has never before and will never again publish photos of normal-sized women. "Female beauty comes in many shapes and sizes, and this spread is a celebration of that fact." Vogue's June issue is slated to celebrate female boniness, featuring hundreds of photos of women weighing no more than 103 pounds. 
According To The Economist, NASA Is An Industrial Subsidy In Disguise vs. Oooh, Look At Me, I Read The Economist! #~# I grew up with the romantic notion that NASA is not merely a government agency, but an organization dedicated to bravely propelling the human race forward into a glorious future of scientific advancement and discovery. But after reading a recent article in The Economist, I have no choice but to question that idealistic view. 
The Osbournes #~# The Osbournes, the MTV reality show chronicling the lives of Ozzy Osbourne and his familiy, is a surprise hit. 
Cardinal Law Under Fire #~# Boston's Cardinal Law has been ordered to appear for a deposition to answer questions about his protection of a priest accused of sexual abuse. What do you think?
Mideast Peace Process Derailed, Burned To Ground, Shoveled Over With Dirt #~# JERUSALEM—The Mideast peace process was once again derailed Monday, when U.S.-brokered talks between Israeli and Palestinian leaders careened off their tracks into an embankment and burst into flames, burning with intensity for nearly an hour until the smoking remains were shoveled over with dirt. 
Community Rallies Behind Struggling Corporation #~# SUMMITVILLE, IN—The 1,032 residents of Summitville are rallying to save CEC MidCorp, a struggling, Indianapolis-based corporation that posted record fourth-quarter losses last year.
South Dakota Considering Maybe Putting Mount Rushmore On State Quarter #~# PIERRE, SD— South Dakota is thinking about maybe putting Mount Rushmore on its upcoming state coin, sources reported Monday. "I forget who came up with the idea, but Mount Rushmore is definitely in the running," said State Coin Selection Committee chair James Kolter. "We're also considering many other worthy subjects, from the historic birthplace of Cheryl Ladd to our oft-used highway system. It's definitely going to be a tough call." The committee has until late 2005 to decide.
Magic-Store Employee Not The Same Since Losing Virginity #~# ANAHEIM, CA—Scottie Reuss, 22, a longtime employee of Merlin's Magicland, has not been as interested in magic or customer service as he was before his March 27 virginity loss, coworkers reported Monday.
80 Percent Of Small-Town Newspaper Written By Jerry Schoepke #~# CRESTLINE, OH—Covering beats as diverse as Crestline city government, Crestline High School football, and Crestline births and deaths, Crestline Gazette reporter Jerry Schoepke writes an estimated 80 percent of the weekly community newspaper.
Former Big Celebrity Finds New Career As Pathetic Former Celebrity #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA— Eighteen years after his fame peaked with The Karate Kid, former big celebrity Ralph Macchio has discovered a new, lucrative career in the rapidly growing field of washed-up celebritydom. "I just recorded a cameo on King Of The Hill where, after Bobby gets cast in a movie, I explain to him that fame is fleeting," Macchio said Monday. "And I taped a Drew Carey Show appearance where I woo a girl away from Drew, and he moans about how he's 'even losing chicks to Ralph Macchio.'" Macchio will also appear in an upcoming Stanley Tools ad, in which, over an image of his face, the announcer says, "Some things come and go, but Stanley is forever."
Bush To Sacrifice Own Life For Good Of Nation #~# WASHINGTON, DC— Displaying the selfless courage that has defined his presidency, President Bush announced Tuesday that he will heroically lay down his life that the rest of the nation may live on. "It is the only way," Bush said. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. I must, therefore, die to preserve future generations." Over the vociferous objections of his closest Cabinet members, Bush brushed aside their outstretched arms, repeating, "It is the only way." 
Street Performer Dreams Of Performing On Streets Of Paris #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM— Dave Bosio, 20, an aspiring singer-songwriter who plays guitar on the streets of Albuquerque, dreams of one day playing for spare change on the streets of Paris. "To play on the Champs-Elysées, that'd be a dream come true," Bosio said Monday. "Or someplace along the Left Bank. That'd be so much better than Copper Avenue." Bosio then launched into an off-key version of Bob Marley's "Redemption Song." 
Teen Worried About Friend Who Tried Pot #~# ARVADA, CO— Steve Vandervelt, 16, an Arvada High School honors student, expressed grave concern Tuesday for friend Todd Wolk, who experimented with marijuana at a party the previous weekend. "They say pot's a 'gateway drug,'" Vandervelt told Wolk. "And even if it doesn't lead to cocaine and more serious stuff, doing pot can still really mess up your brain." Vandervelt offered to speak to Mrs. Logan, the school's health-ed teacher, on Wolk's behalf to get more information about the dangers of marijuana use. 
Area Man Has No Idea Where To Get Envelope #~# NEW BERN, NC— In need of an envelope to mail his March telephone bill, Jordan Phills, 26, reported Monday that he has no idea where to get one. "Is there such thing as an 'envelope store'?" Phills asked. "I honestly have no clue how to go about getting an envelope, except by snagging one off somebody." Phills added that the envelope hunt would not have been necessary had his roommate not spilled coffee all over the pre-addressed envelope enclosed with the monthly bill. 
That Guy From That One Show Not Looking So Hot #~# ERIE, PA— That guy who plays the main guy on that one show isn't looking so hot, sources close to the TV set reported Tuesday. "It looks like he gained, like, 40 pounds or something," said Erie resident Doug Knauss, watching the show. "He looks all puffed out and tired with those bags under his eyes." Knauss noted that the big movie the guy was in a couple years back completely tanked, so that might have done a real number on him. 
It Hurts My Feelings When You Leave Before The Credits Are Done #~# Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm sure you don't like being told what to do. But seeing you walk out of the theater the moment the credits start to roll, well, it really hurts my feelings. I may not have been the director or one of the stars of Changing Lanes, but I worked very hard in my capacity as assistant to Mr. Affleck. 
Silicon Valley Reboots #~# Devastated by the dot-com collapse, Silicon Valley is beginning to rebound.
Marine Never Knew What Freedom Was Until He Left The Marines #~# MADISON, WI—Troy Leffler, who spent four long years living under an oppressive, totalitarian Marine Corps regime, never knew how precious freedom was until he left the Marines, the former Private-First Class (PFC) said Sunday. 
I'm A High Roller #~# Hola, amigos. All clear on your end? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been kinda hectic around El Casa Anchower lately. 
Orgy A Logistical Nightmare #~# CANTON, OH—Despite his excitement about the upcoming sexual free-for-all, first-time orgy organizer Jerry Belsner, 33, admitted Monday that planning the event has been a logistical nightmare. 
Doctor, Patient Have Wildly Different Definitions Of Word 'Hope' #~# WESTBROOK, ME— Terminally ill patient Wayne Lund and his physician have wildly differing definitions of the word "hope," it was revealed Monday. "Dr. [Robert] Petrakis said there's hope," said Lund, recently diagnosed with Wyckoff-Kleiner Disease, a rare degenerative brain condition that is 99.5 percent fatal. "If that's the case, I'm gonna beat this thing." Said Petrakis: "I told him, 'There's always hope… miracles do happen.' So, technically, I guess there's hope. But not really."
U.S. Children Getting Majority Of Antibiotics From McDonald's Meat #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Department of Health and Human Services report released Monday, McDonald’s meat from antibiotics-injected livestock is now the primary source of antibiotics for U.S. children, particularly for uninsured youths from low-income households. 
Home-Buying Up Among Lame-O's #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In the first quarter of 2002, sales of new U.S. homes rose 5.3 percent among Dockers-wearing, Pictionary-playing lame-o's, the Commerce Department reported Monday.
Drilling For Oil In Alaska #~# Seeking to decrease U.S. dependence on Iraqi oil, Senate Republicans want to open Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for drilling. What do you think?
Lutheran Minister Arrested On Charges Of Boring Young Children #~# PERU, IL— St. Luke's Lutheran Church was rocked by scandal Tuesday, when Rev. Bob Tillich, the church's pastor of 12 years, was arrested on suspicion of boring as many as 23 children within the congregation. "Reverend Bob always seemed like the sweetest man," parishioner Vera Crandall said following the arrest. "When my son said he made him watch three 1975 filmstrips about the suffering of Job, I was shocked." In the wake of the arrest, seven former Sunday-school students, dating as far back as 1989, have stepped forward with charges that Tillich subjected them to inappropriately tedious parables. 
Breakup Doesn't Seem To Have Changed Relationship #~# CARY, NC— Six weeks after their breakup, Daniel Bey and Janette Forsberg seem to have undergone no apparent change in their relationship, friends of the ostensibly ex-couple reported Monday. "They see each other all the time, and they still argue about every trivial thing, just like when they were together," friend Rich Gascone said. "Daniel even told me they're still having sex. But apparently, in some science-fiction way I can't comprehend, they're split up." 
Either Jay Leno A Repeat Or P. Diddy Got Arrested Again #~# MOUNT LEBANON, PA— According to Pittsburgh-area TV viewer Erik Allen, either Monday's Tonight Show With Jay Leno was a repeat or P. Diddy got arrested again. "Jay's monologue had all these jokes about P. Diddy getting busted for some kind of gun possession," Allen said. "I hadn't really heard anything about another arrest, so I figured it was a rerun. But that was, like, more than a year ago, right? Plus, I think he was still Puff Daddy back then, and Jay called him P. Diddy." Allen said he had hoped to gain insight from Leno's interviews with guests Lisa Kudrow and zookeeper Jack Hanna, but "neither seemed to be plugging anything all that time-specific." 
What Does Not Kill Me Only Makes Me Whinier #~# I've endured a great deal of hardship and pain in my life. I'll never forget the gastrointestinal distress I suffered two years ago after consuming an entire bag of caramel popcorn. Or the humiliation I felt in 1996 when I was stood up by a blind date. Or the time I spent an entire day wearing a shirt that, unbeknownst to me, was marred by unsightly deodorant streaks. 
Clinton Dragged Up On Stage To Sing 'Sweet Home Alabama' With The Band #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR— Former president Bill Clinton joined local rock band Jimmy Ellis & The Houserockers onstage for a cover of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" Saturday. "Come on up here, Mr. President!" Ellis urged Clinton, whom he spotted near the back of the crowd. "Show the nice folks how it's done!" Following the performance, Clinton remained onstage for a rollicking rendition of Garth Brooks' "Friends In Low Places."
Ask A Guy Trying To Describe What He Saw On Nova Last Night #~# My husband's job requires a lot of business travel, so I hardly see him during the week. When he's home on weekends, he says he's too burned out from traveling to do anything and just wants to relax. It's really starting to affect our marriage. How can I get him to realize that I need time, too?
Japanese Exchange Student Taken To Japanese Restaurant #~# BETTENDORF, IA—Takashi Miyazawa, 16, an exchange student from Nagoya spending six months in Bettendorf, was given the opportunity to experience authentic Japanese cuisine Monday, when host mother Bobbie Tucker arranged a visit to Edo, a restaurant in nearby Davenport. 
Arafat Under Fire #~# Trapped by Israeli tanks in his West Bank compound, Yasser Arafat is under fire for not doing more to stop the recent Palestinian terrorist attacks. What do you think?
Tax-Code Changes #~# The Aptil 15 tax-filing deadline is fast approaching. What are some of the changes in this year's code?
Architect's Friends All Have Great Idea For A Building #~# SAN DIEGO— Friends and acquaintances of Phil Yost are constantly giving him ideas for buildings, the 40-year-old architect said Monday. "I was catching up with my old college roommate, who I hadn't spoken to in years, and he blurts out, 'What if you built a revolving hotel like they have revolving restaurants?'" Yost said. "Do you know how many times I've gotten that?" In the past month, Yost has heard pitches for pyramid-shaped warehouses, retractable-roof golf courses, and 100-story, subterranean "groundscrapers" that would be impervious to terrorist attack. 
Suburban Dad Cracks Wise In Church Parking Lot #~# STEVENS POINT, WI—Flashing his trademark wit, dermatologist and father of three Gil Schlerek amused onlookers in the parking lot of Christ Presbyterian Church by incorporating a popular movie catchphrase into his search for his car Sunday. 
37 Record-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster #~# ATHENS, GA—Thirty-seven record-store clerks are missing and feared dead in the aftermath of a partial roof collapse during a Yo La Tengo concert Monday.
Nevada To Phase Out Laws Altogether #~# CARSON CITY, NV—The Nevada legislature voted Monday to repeal all laws within the state and prohibit the proposal of any new laws.
Loft Discussed At Loft Party #~# CHICAGO—Guests at David and Jill Holman's loft party last Saturday spent the bulk of the four-hour affair discussing various aspects of the loft, including its location, square footage, rent, division of space, acoustics, and previous use. "So it's not too cold in the winter?" guest Gail Shaughnessy asked at the two-hour mark of the loft-centric gathering. "It seems like heating bills would be a lot with the high ceiling." 
Parrot's Previous Owner Obviously Watched A Lot Of The Price Is Right #~# POPLAR BLUFF, MO— According to Kenneth Childs, the new owner of Crackers, an African gray parrot, the previous owner must have watched a tremendous amount of The Price Is Right. "All day long, Crackers keeps squawking shit like, 'Come on down!' and 'Plinko!'" Childs said. "That poor bird must have been subjected to the Game Show Network 24 hours a day." Childs also swore that he once heard Crackers sing the yodeling music from the mountain-climber game. 
Pepsi CEO's Wife Buys Coke When She's Mad At Him #~# PURCHASE, NY— Mary Reinemund, wife of Pepsico CEO Steven S. Reinemund, passive-aggressively buys Coca-Cola products whenever she is angry at her husband. "Last Wednesday, Steve worked late on their anniversary," said Bea Vance, the Reinemunds' housekeeper. "Sure enough, the next day, there's a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke in the fridge." Vance added that in the summer of 1999, during "an especially rough time" in the Reinemunds' marriage, Mary was often seen wearing a promotional Sprite sun visor. 
Nation's UPS Men Break Out The Shorts #~# MANCHESTER, NH—In a welcome sight heralding the end of another winter and the arrival of spring, United Parcel Service men across the nation are breaking out the shorts. 
Nation's Deans Meet To Discuss Problem Of College Girls Going Wild #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Calling the trend "a black mark on academia," deans from more than 300 U.S. colleges converged on the University of Florida campus to address the growing problem of out-of-control, sexy sorority sweethearts baring it all for the cameras. "In recent years, a number of filmmakers have brought to light the shocking antics of hot young girls from the wildest party schools," said Tulane University dean of students Dr. Anderson Brand. "We must take appropriate action to address this wild, uncensored revelry." Brandishing one of the mail-order videotapes, University of Connecticut dean Charles Burton said, "I could not believe what happened when those crazy co-eds got back to their hotel rooms. Nor, I suspect, could anyone."
Countries Who Met Over Internet Go To War #~# TARTU, ESTONIA—Just months after meeting in an Internet chat room, the nations of Suriname and Estonia have entered a state of open hostility, U.N. sources reported Tuesday. 
Stand-Up And Be Counted #~# Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how important it is to follow your dreams. We all have them. Some of us want to be doctors, some want to be lawyers… and some want to be a size six! 
Sullen Time-Traveling Teen Reports 23rd Century Sucks #~# NEWTON, MA—According to sullen teenager Steve Geremek, the 23rd century, a time previously restricted to the fantastical imaginings of science-fiction writers and futurists, "sucks." 
The Organ-Donor Crisis #~# The U.S. is critically low on organ donations. What is the nation's medical community doing to address the shortage?
The Church Sex Scandal #~# A growing sex-abuse scandal is engulfing the Catholic Church, with many priests accused of sexually molesting children. What do you think?
New Roommate Has Elaborate Theory About How Kenny Rogers Is A Genius #~# DAYTON, OH—University of Dayton sophomores Mike Maritz and Andrea Haltigan reported Monday that their otherwise normal-seeming new roommate has "this whole theory about how Kenny Rogers is a genius." 
You Used Me For Sex, Friendship, And Good Conversation #~# Wow. I don't know what to say. I thought everything was going great between us. I thought we really had something special going these past six weeks. Apparently, I was wrong. It's become clear to me that all this time, you were just using me for sex, friendship, and good conversation. 
Acid Trip Better Planned Than Vacation #~# SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA— Jonathan Andriesko's weekend acid trip was better planned than his trip to Arizona last month, friends of the 22-year-old video-store clerk reported Monday. "Jon spent hours making sure everything was right," coworker Craig Jaeger said. "He requested two days off from work well in advance, rented 2001: A Space Odyssey, filled up his CD changer with Aphex Twin and Boards Of Canada discs, took the phone off the hook, stocked up on vitamin-C tablets, set up all the food he was going to need for the next 12 hours… You'd think he was planning a wedding." By contrast, Andriesko merely expressed vague plans to "get going sometime Saturday" before embarking on a mid-March trip to Scottsdale.
Congress Threatens To Leave D.C. Unless New Capitol Is Built #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the current U.S. Capitol "inadequate and obsolete," Congress will relocate to Charlotte or Memphis if its demands for a new, state-of-the-art facility are not met, leaders announced Monday. 
Sexual Tension Between Arafat, Sharon Reaches Breaking Point #~# JERUSALEM—The long-simmering sexual tension between Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat finally reached a breaking point Monday, culminating in a passionate kiss before a shocked delegation of Mideast negotiators. 
Worst Person Woman Knows Pregnant #~# JASPER, AL—Karen Brundage was chilled to learn Monday that Cora Damrush, the "single most selfish, ignorant, emotionally crippled person" she knows, is expecting a baby in November. "My heart skipped a beat—in a bad way—when Cora said she and Neil were having a child," Brundage said. "I can't even begin to tell you what a foul, miserable harpy that woman is." Brundage added that she wishes there were some sort of baby-shower gift that would save the unborn child from a lifetime of misery cowering before a dark and evil mother. 
Overweight Man Receives 'Lose Weight Fast' Spam E-Mail Featuring His Picture #~# HOUSTON—Jim Funderburke, a 240-pound accountant, was surprised to find a photo of himself in a spam e-mail for a weight-loss product Monday. "That's the last time I post vacation pictures on my web site," said Funderburke, 38, gazing at an unflattering image of himself in a bathing suit. "I'd like to be able to check my messages without seeing myself used as the online embodiment of obesity and overindulgence." Funderburke also expressed a wish to water his lawn without neighborhood teenagers calling him "Before Dude." 
Suicide Bombings In The U.S.? #~# According to intelligence officials, al-Qaeda or another terrorist group may one day attempt to carry out a suicide bombing on U.S. soil. What do you think?
Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus #~# Help! Sandal season is here, and my feet are a complete mess! I've got rough heels, ugly calluses, and ragged cuticles. Winter weather really did some serious damage to my feet. Oh, God, please, will somebody please tell me how to get these tootsies back in step for the beach? Somebody call 911! They're a complete disaster! 
Cannes 2002 #~# After 12 days of screening and parties, the 2002 Cannes Film Festival wrapped up Sunday. 
Man Blames Hangover On Everything But How Much He Drank #~#  BETHEL PARK, PA—Speaking slowly and moving stiffly Tuesday, Pittsburgh-area resident Matt Van Duyne attributed his hangover to everything but the excessive amount of alcohol he'd consumed the previous night. 
Boss Alludes To 'Crunch Time' #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Seeking to motivate his employees for a fast-approaching deadline, DCG Printing departmental manager Bryce Gillian referred to the following three days as "crunch time" Monday. "Apparently, Bryce thinks he has to get all of us psyched for the end of the Gymboree direct-mail catalog project," layout artist Pete Auriemma said. "If it would make him feel like he inspired us, I guess I could walk briskly between offices. That might help create a more 'crunch-timey' atmosphere." Auriemma said he is looking forward to Wednesday afternoon, when the project is expected to move from crunch time into "the home stretch." 
Look Out, Corporate America, Here Comes My Pirate Radio Station #~# If, like me, you're among the thinking few, you're pretty disgusted with what passes for radio these days. Turn anywhere on your FM dial, and you're likely to hear the sound of some enormous multinational media conglomerate anesthetizing the masses with its spoon-fed pablum. From Hot 96 to Z-104, these stations are all the same: pre-packaged, focus-grouped DJs selling a bill of false goods to lobotomized teens who don't know the difference between revolution and repetition. Even non-commercial, so-called "public" radio is just a cog in the Great American Money Machine. 
CNN Graphic Designer Asked To Combine Dollar Sign, Syringe, Fighter Jets, Panda #~# ATLANTA—Christine Kannberg, a CNN Headline News graphic designer, expressed befuddlement Monday when asked to create a story logo incorporating a dollar sign, a syringe, fighter jets, and a panda. “I can’t even begin to imagine what this one’s for,” Kannberg said from her workstation. “Maybe, like, the Beijing Zoo was smuggling drugs into the U.S. inside pandas, and we bombed them or something.” Last week, Kannberg was asked to create a graphic combining a football helmet, three DNA helixes, a rhubarb pie, and the state of Oregon. 
Nerd's Parents Afraid Son Will Fall In With Popular Crowd #~# MUNDELEIN, IL—Lawrence and Marcia Sprouse expressed concern Monday that their 15-year-old son Adam, after years of being a social outcast, is in danger of falling in with the popular crowd at Mundelein High School.
83-Year-Old Sneaks Into 65-To-80 Singles Dance #~# APPLETON, WI—Claude Winters, 83, falsified his age Saturday to gain admission to a dance for singles aged 65 to 80 at the Appleton VFW. "The girls at the over-80 dances are so old-fashioned," said Winters, eyeing a shapely 68-year-old widow across the dance floor. "When I go produce shopping, I want my vegetables, you know, fresh." Winters stressed he is not "some cradle-robbing pervert looking for pre-menopausal women."
Pope Forgives Molested Children #~# VATICAN CITY—Calling forgiveness "one of the highest virtues taught to us by Jesus," Pope John Paul II issued a papal decree Monday absolving priest-molested children of all sin. 
Factual Error Found On Internet #~# LONGMONT, CO—The Information Age was dealt a stunning blow Monday, when a factual error was discovered on the Internet. The error was found on TedsUltimateBradyBunch.com, a Brady Bunch fan site that incorrectly listed the show's debut year as 1968, not 1969. 
Same Jumbotron Used For Marriage Proposal Used To Ask For Divorce #~# CLEVELAND— Seven years after using the giant television screen to propose marriage, Kevin Kalish, 36, used the Sony Jumbotron at Jacobs Field to ask his wife Diane for a divorce Sunday. "DIANE, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL WOMAN AND YOU'VE BEEN VERY GOOD TO ME," read the message, posted before 22,347 fans during the fifth inning of an Indians-Royals game. "BUT LATELY I'M JUST FEELING TRAPPED AND SMOTHERED BY MARRIED LIFE. DIANE, WILL YOU BE MY EX-WIFE?" The Jumbotron went on to inform Diane that Kevin assumes she will want custody of their two children, and that he has no plans to contest that. 
Fat Couple's Love Like A Fat Flower #~# DECATUR, AL— The love shared by Gene West and Brenda Goslow, who together total nearly 600 pounds, is as precious as a heaving, bloated rose, friends of the Decatur couple report. "It's so inspiring to see two people lumber through life hand-in-hand," friend Alice Toffler said Monday. "Their love is like a big, beautiful, morbidly obese chrysanthemum. Or a new spring tulip that just can't lay off the Fritos." 
Area Man Urinating Like It's The Best Thing Ever To Happen To Him #~# FALL RIVER, MA— According to fellow urinators in the men's room of the Tip-Top Tavern, Steve Rilke, 44, is urinating as if it were the best thing ever to happen to him. "From the sounds he's making, you'd think it was the culmination of a lifelong dream," said Frank Nolfo, moments after stepping away from the adjacent urinal. "I mean, this is one seriously passionate piss." Nolfo theorized that Rilke's overly enthusiastic bladder-voiding is somehow related to the Tip-Top Tavern's three-for-one special on Bud Ice. 
Struggling Airline Helped By Friendly Giant #~# FORT WORTH, TX— Hit hard by the recession and the aftermath of Sept. 11, American Airlines has received some much-needed assistance from a friendly giant named Urno. "Urno has been of enormous help to us, mostly by picking up planes and running them to their destinations to cut fuel expenses," American Airlines president Donald Carty said Monday. "He also helps wash our dirty planes by dipping them into lakes and rivers." Carty said he has strongly discouraged Urno from swatting rival airlines' planes out of the sky, but "sometimes, he just won't listen." 
Retarded Child Gets New Video Game Right Before Every Dinner Party #~# KETTERING, OH— Jeffrey Dumas, a developmentally disabled 12-year-old, receives a new PlayStation 2 video game right before every dinner party thrown by his parents. "Look, Jeffrey, a driving game!" said Meredith Dumas, 40, presenting her son with "Gran Turismo 3" and a box of snack crackers minutes before guests began arriving for a party Sunday. "I bet you could get a million points by bedtime if you started now!" The haul was one of Dumas' best since New Year's Eve, when a party thrown by his parents netted him "WWF Smackdown!," "Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back," and "Simpsons: Road Rage." 
Offin' Office Max #~# Yo, this is a message foe all y'all wack muthafuckas at Office Depot: Step tha FUCK OFF, lest y'all wanna brawl wit' tha H-Dog an' tha rest of tha Midstate Office Supply krew. 'Cuz if it come to that, shit ain't gonna be pretty. Tha H-Dog and his Midstate ballers will WASTE yo' sorry li'l red-polo-shirted asses. Word is bond. 
What Did Bush Know Before 9/11? #~# Last week, a report revealed that President Bush was briefed on the possibility of terrorist hijackings several weeks before Sept. 11. What do you think?
Rolling Stones Hit The Road #~# The Rolling Stones recently announced plans for a 40th-anniversary tour, starting in September. What can fans expect?
I Know What I Should've Told That Judge #~# Oh, man, is it too late to get a re-trial? Because I'm sure I could think of something better to say this time. They give you a second chance when you play the McDonald's Monopoly game, and that's a lot less important than being on trial for grand-theft auto. The thing is, I totally know what I should've told the judge. 
Man Who's 1/16th Irish Proud Of His Irish Heritage #~# KENOSHA, WI—Despite being just 1/16th Irish, Dennis Kroeger, a 27-year-old marketing manager whose great-great grandmother hailed from County Cork, is fiercely proud of his Irish ancestry. 
Handlers Desperate To Prevent Tara Reid Political Awakening #~# LOS ANGELES—Tara Reid's agent, publicist, and other members of her management team are working feverishly to avert a potential political awakening in the 26-year-old actress, sources reported Tuesday.
Home-Improvement Tips #~# Do-it-yourself home improvement can be money-saving and fun. Here are some tips to help you with that next project: 
Father's Dying Wish A Real Hassle #~# HARRISON, TN—The last wish of Gerard Sumlin, who died last month at 68, is "a real pain in the ass," his children reported Monday. 
Routine, Affordable Medical Procedure Put Off Another Year #~# WEBSTER GROVES, MO—Three years after being diagnosed with a benign rectal polyp, Webster Groves resident William Schraft continues to put off its removal, insisting that there is no need to undergo the routine, affordable procedure right this minute. "The doctor said it was benign, so what's the big rush?" the 54-year-old Schraft said Monday. "I can barely feel it most days anyway. It's probably shrinking." 
Producer Wants To Call Movie Crime And Punishment Anyway #~# LOS ANGELES—Upon learning that the title has already been taken, Hollywood producer Andrew Shuler announced Monday that he wants to call his upcoming Universal Pictures police thriller Crime And Punishment anyway. "There is?" said Shuler, moments after being told of the classic Fyodor Dostoyevsky novel that shares its name with his upcoming Val Kilmer-Wesley Snipes vehicle. "I don't really see that as a problem. What 18- to 34-year-old has ever heard of that?" Shuler said he is confident he will be able to "buy out this Russian guy."
Latest News Of Israeli-Palestinian Violence Makes Man Hungry For Falafel #~# PISCATAWAY, NJ—A CNN report on a suicide bombing in Tel Aviv put Piscataway resident Larry Zahn in the mood for a falafel sandwich Monday. "Oh, man, I could go for some falafel right about now," said Zahn, 41, watching footage of injured Israelis being loaded onto ambulances. "A big pita stuffed with falafel, hummus, lettuce, and lots of tahini sauce. And some dolmades on the side. Yeah." In January 2001, a CNN report on an Indian earthquake that killed 2,000 gave Zahn an intense craving for chicken biryani.
Christian Weightlifter Bends Iron Bar To Show Power Of God's Love #~# TULSA, OK—Before 11,000 attendees at a "He Is Risen Rally" at Mabee Center, Christian weightlifter Michael Brighton bent a two-inch-thick iron bar Monday, clearly demonstrating the power of God's love within the heart and body of His followers. "Do you see the power of faith and belief?" said the 255-pound Brighton following the impressive feat of spiritual prowess. "Only a strong personal relationship with my Creator could have made this possible." Brighton went on to demonstrate God's hatred of ice blocks and wooden boards.
Burglary Is The Sincerest Form Of Flattery #~# Judging from the look on your face, I'm guessing you're offended. But please don't take my presence here in your home as a personal affront. When I sneaked into your home under cover of darkness after disarming your security system, feeding the guard dogs a sedative, and climbing to the second-story window with a grappling hook and rope, I never intended to insult you. In fact, my intention was just the opposite. I mean, what is burglary, after all, if not the sincerest form of flattery? 
John D. And Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation Goes On Wild Endowment Binge #~# CHICAGO—The John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation went on a wild endowment binge last weekend, recklessly giving away more than $170 million in grants and fellowships in a 48-hour span. 
Woman Forced To Converse Awkwardly With Bank-Promotion Clown #~# AUGUSTA, ME—While waiting to meet with a Kennebec Savings Bank mortgage officer Monday, Danielle Smales, 34, was forced to make stilted conversation with Thrifty The Banking Clown. "Just waiting for a meeting," Smales told the brochure-wielding promotional clown. "No, thanks. I don't really need Platinum checking." Though Smales managed to briefly steer the conversation toward the weather, a majority of the eight-minute chat centered on the importance of a sensible IRA, the convenience of online banking at KennebecSavings.com, and the great introductory rates available with a Kennebec Savings Visa card. 
Rise Of The Far Right In Europe #~# From France to Austria to the Netherlands, ultra-nationalist, far-right political parties hostile to immigration are making gains throughout Europe. What do you think?
U.S. Protests Mexi-Canadian Overpass #~# WASHINGTON, DC—After nearly nine years of construction, the Mexi-Canadian Overpass, the controversial $4.3 trillion highway overpass linking Guadalupe and Winnipeg, was finally completed last week, drawing harsh criticism from U.S. citizens and officials alike. 
Ask Raymond Carver #~# Yesterday, while on the phone with a friend, I mentioned that I'd phoned her the day before. She told me she knew I'd called, saying that she saw it on her caller ID box but didn't pick up the phone. I think that's downright rude! Do I have a right to be miffed?
Area Man Criticizes Hazelnut Coffee, Volvos, New Mexico's Flag In Two-Minute Span #~# ST. PAUL, MN—In a span of two minutes Monday, 33-year-old St. Paul resident Daniel Devore managed to criticize hazelnut coffee, Volvos, and the flag of New Mexico.
Star Wars Mania #~# Star Wars: Episode II–Attack Of The Clones finally hits theatres this Thursday. 
Correct Theory Discarded In Favor Of More Exciting Theory #~# GRETNA, NE— The correct theory regarding the closing of Marvin's Diner was discarded Monday in favor of a far more exciting theory. "I bet the Omaha mafia muscled them out," said Gretna resident Lucinda Dunfee, pondering the fate of Marvin's Diner, which was shut down due to health-code violations. "They were taking business away from Steak Barrel, and those guys don't care who they get mixed up with." Dunfee noted that the restaurant's trash cans were often overturned during the night, which was likely an act of intimidation on the part of the Omaha crime syndicate.
Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter's Friends #~# WAKEFIELD, MA— Sarah Ammons, 14, expressed befuddlement Monday, when, during a ride to school, her father attempted to entertain her and several friends with an impromptu impersonation of late comedian and Hollywood Squares regular Paul Lynde. "The next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy!" Bob Ammons, 41, bleated nasally in an imitation of the once-popular pop-culture reference. "Paul Lynde." Added Ammons: "Center square, usually sat between George Gobel and Rose Marie? Voice of Templeton the rat?" After dropping the girls off at school, Ammons stared into his car's rear-view mirror at the crow's feet developing around his eyes.
TV Guide Channel Tops Nielsens #~# LOS ANGELES— For the 11th straight week, the TV Guide Channel topped the Nielsen ratings, scoring blockbuster numbers in virtually all time slots and days of the week. "The frustrating experience of trying to find something decent on TV has meant ratings gold for the TV Guide Channel, Variety editor Peter Bart said. "By providing a means to search for something—anything—worth watching, this 24-hour electronic scroll has made itself America's most-watched channel."
Secretary Of Agriculture Gently Reminded About Dress Code #~# WASHINGTON, DC— After attending Monday's Cabinet meeting in a flannel work shirt and tattered jeans, Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman was gently reminded by President Bush about the executive-branch dress code. "Say, you know, we get a lot of foreign dignitaries coming through here," Bush told Veneman. "So I think it might be a good idea if you had a little bit more of a professional appearance. Like maybe a nice navy-blue dress." Bush also encouraged Veneman to consider dress shoes instead of her usual steel-toe work boots.
Car Salesman Three Desks Over Going On And On About Chick He Banged Last Night #~# VIENNA, VA— The sales associate three desks over from Chevy/Geo dealer Karl Glodek is going on and on about the chick he banged last night, sources reported Monday. "You would not believe the stamina on this chick. Hours. She was a total freak," the salesman told an unnamed friend over the phone, as well as Glodek and the couple about to sign on a 2002 Chevy Prizm sedan. "Incredible rack, too—like, out to here." Glodek then suggested the couple go outside for "one more look at that beaut of a Prizm."
The Robert Blake Murder Case #~# Arrested nearly a year after his wife was fatally shot, actor Robert Blake is pleading not guilty to murder charges. What do you think?
Little Chelsea Clinton Is All Grown Up And Glamorous! #~# Item! Remember Chelsea Clinton? Wasn't it nice to have a presidential daughter who wasn't posing for Playboy or getting drunk? Instead, she was her own sweet self, full of flowers and sunshine, bringing cheer to everyone she met. Now, she's all grown up and glamorous, thanks to an expensive European makeover. It's nice to see Chelsea with her hair straightened sitting next to the likes of Gwenneth Paltrow and Madonna at Italian fashion shows. Can acting be too far off in her future? Keeping my fingers crossed… 
Slumber-Party Confession Comes Back To Haunt Fourth Grader #~# HAMPTON, VA—A late-night slumber-party confession has come back to haunt Jessica Casper, the betrayed and humiliated 10-year-old reported Monday. 
Bar-Trivia Champ Being A Real Dick About It #~# SHARONVILLE, OH—Shawn Gause, 34, a Cincinnati-area resident and bar-trivia champion, is a real dick about his trivia prowess, patrons of McSorley's Pub reported Tuesday. 
I Lied About Making $80,000 Working From Home... And So Can You! #~# DO YOU WANT TO MAKE MORE MONEY? Have you ever dreamed about working from the comfort of your own home? Do you wish you could be your own boss, working as much or as little as you like?
Teen Sex Linked To Drugs And Alcohol, Reports Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things #~# BOSTON—A definitive causal relationship exists between drug and alcohol use and teen sex, the Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things reported Monday.
The Queen's Golden Jubilee #~# England’s Queen Elizabeth II is celebrating the 50th anniversary of her ascension to the throne this year.
God Re-Floods Middle East #~# JERUSALEM—In what theological and meteorological authorities are calling "a wrathful display of Old Testament proportions," the Lord Almighty re-flooded the Middle East Tuesday, making good on last week's threat to wipe the region clean if there was not an immediate halt to the bloodshed between Arabs and Jews.
Golf Tips #~# Warm weather is here, and it's time to hit the links. Here are some tips to help you improve your game: 
Martha Stewart Stalker Can Barely Keep Up #~# EAST HAMPTON, NY—Richard Kowalcyk, 36, who for several years has been stalking author, magazine publisher, TV personality, and house-and-home guru Martha Stewart, told reporters Monday that he can barely keep up. 
Lottery Loser Angry At Lottery Winner #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Winona Culvert, a loser in Monday's $113 million Pennsylvania Lottery, expressed anger at Mechanicsburg electrician Clint Furlow, who took home the jackpot after buying a single ticket on a whim. "Who the hell does that asshole think he is?" said Culvert upon seeing the news report of Furlow's victory. "I bought 40 tickets." Culvert added that she needs the prize money far more than Furlow, as she has been on public assistance for the past two years. 
U.S. Middlemen Demand Protection From Being Cut Out #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Some 20,000 members of the Association of American Middlemen marched on the National Mall Monday, demanding protection from such out-cutting shopping options as online purchasing, factory-direct catalogs, and outlet malls. "Each year in this country, thousands of hard-working middlemen are cut out," said Pete Hume, a Euclid, OH, waterbed retailer. "No one seems to care that our livelihood is being taken away from us." Hume said the AAM is eager to work with legislators to find alternate means of passing the savings on to you. 
Sympathy Card Signed By Assistant #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—A sympathy card from Walters Realty president Bob Merritt to the wife of recently deceased realtor Jim Nolfo was chosen, signed, and mailed by Merritt's personal assistant Monday. "Please know that you are in my thoughts during this difficult time," the assistant wrote on Merritt's behalf. Merritt, who did not see the card at any time during the three hours it spent in the Walters Realty office, did not add, "Let me know if I can help in any way." 
Area Man Thinking About Getting One Of Those All-Body Scans #~# AUGUSTA, GA—Impressed by the technology, Dan Cirillo is thinking about getting an all-body imaging scan, the 45-year-old Augusta man revealed Monday. "Wow, that looks pretty cool," said Cirillo, who saw the device on CBS' 48 Hours. "I'd love to get one of those." Cirillo then wondered aloud whether he could get a scan and a similarly cool watertank-immersion body-fat measurement on the same day.
You Must Romance The Music Out Of The Tambourine #~# My lord, what are you doing? Your crude handling of that beautiful instrument borders on the obscene! You cannot carelessly strike a tambourine and expect it to sing its beautiful song. You must coax it out of her. You must romance the music out of the tambourine. 
CEO Resignations #~# Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski is the latest in a string of corporate chiefs to step down amid scandal allegations. 
What The Hell Is Wrong With Movies These Days? #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a while since I rapped at ya, but I've had a mountain of problems piled up to my chin. First off, my car is all fucked up. I don't even know why. All I know is, it usually quits running after about 20 minutes, and I have to let it cool down for at least an hour before I can get it going again. That thing is a baby, and not in the good way. You know, not like, "That's my baby," but more like, "Quit your crying, ya fuckin' baby!" 
Gore Begins Training For 2004 Election In Remote Mountain Cabin #~# MCCALL, ID—Determined to rebound from his 2000 election defeat, Al Gore has sequestered himself in a remote mountain cabin to train for his 2004 rematch with George W. Bush. "Gotta get in shape," said Gore, running up a hill with a log strapped to his back. "Gonna beat him this time." Gore, who is almost back down to his campaigning weight of 245, then worked on his debate reflexes by chasing chickens around a pen.
The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat #~# U.S. citizen Jose Padilla was arrested May 8 in a plot to detonate a "dirty bomb" spewing low-level radiation. What do you think about this latest terror threat?
Youth Pastor Forced To Break Out 'Hell Is Not Disneyland' Speech #~# EVANSVILLE, IN—A mere eight days into United Methodist Church's summer Bible school, youth pastor John Dearden, 49, was forced to break out his trademark "Hell Is Not Disneyland" speech Monday, outlining the differences between eternal damnation and the popular Anaheim, CA, theme park. 
Lackluster Marriage Enlivened By Cancer Scare #~# SWANDER, OH—George and Maureen McKay's stagnant, passionless 36-year marriage was briefly enlivened recently by Maureen's late-May cancer scare.
Name Of Gay Bar Should Have Been Clearer #~# CHICAGO—After accidentally walking into a gay bar Monday, Jeff Pierce, 23, said the name of the establishment failed to clearly telegraph its orientation. "I can see how Rods sounds gay," Pierce said, "but it's just not as crystal-clear as it could be." Pierce urged the bar's owner to consider changing the name, suggesting The Manhole or Big Throbbing Homo Cocks.
Getting Mom Onto Internet A Sisyphean Ordeal #~# ROCHESTER, MN—Karen Widmar, 33, who for the past two months has been trying to teach her 60-year-old mother how to use the Internet, called the endeavor "a Sisyphean ordeal" Monday. 
Best Years Of Area Man's Life Apparently Never Going To Happen #~# MINOT, ND—The best years in the life of Frederick Videk—veteran, husband, and father of five—are never going to happen, the 51-year-old broken man realized Monday. 
Ted Nugent Talks That Way Even When Buying Socks #~# SAGINAW, MI—According to JC Penney men's-department sources, rocker Ted Nugent talks that way even when buying socks. "What color socks do I want? I want every damn color, plus a whole bunch of colors that don't even exist," Nugent told sales associate Jonathan Alexander. "Life is too short, man. Whether it's socks or shoes or whatever, you gotta bite into life like it's a great big ol' hunk of bison. Otherwise, you wake up and suddenly—poof—you're fat and old, and you never had any friggin' fun. And if you're not having fun, you may as well move to Iraq or Cuba or some other hellhole where there ain't no good times to be had." Nugent added that that's the way he sees it, and that if you don't like it, you can kiss his lily-white ass.
Line Cook Learns Leaving Restaurant Industry Not That Easy #~# SAN MARCOS, TX—Eric Weaver, a recently hired line cook at Cactus Jack's, is finding it extremely difficult to extricate himself from the restaurant industry, the 24-year-old aspiring musician said Monday. "Just when I think I've made a clean break, they pull me back in," said Weaver, who in April vowed never to work another restaurant position after quitting his dishwashing job at a local Denny's. "When the manager said, 'Welcome to the Cactus Jack's family,' it gave me icy chills."
Fixin's Added To Food Pyramid #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Updating the dietary guide to reflect current U.S. eating habits, the Department of Agriculture announced Monday that it has added a "fixin's" food group to the USDA Food Pyramid. "We recommend five to eight daily servings from the fixin's group, which includes such hearty sides as cole slaw, mashed potatoes, steak fries, baked beans, and mac 'n' cheese," Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman said. "So go ahead and treat yourself to all the fixin's you want. They're not only free, they're recommended." Also falling within the fixin's group, Veneman said, are burger toppings, including fried onions, cheese sauce, and bacon-smothered mushrooms.
Guns Are Only Deadly If Used For Their Intended Purpose #~# As the president of Brothers In Arms U.S.A., the nation's third-largest gun-rights organization, I've heard all the arguments made by the anti-gun propagandists. And of the many misguided aspects of their anti-gun rhetoric, the most off-base is this bizarre notion that guns are inherently deadly. Nothing could be further from the truth. The reality is, guns are only deadly when used for their intended purpose. 
The Bomb-Detection Machine #~# By Dec. 31, all U.S. airports will feature massive new baggage scanners. Among the devices's features:
Colonoscopy Offers Non-Fantastic Voyage Through Human Body #~# DOVER, DE—A routine colonoscopy at the Dover Family Clinic in no way evoked the Isaac Asimov novel Fantastic Voyage or its 1966 film adaptation, patient Ed Garrity reported Monday. "Man, this really isn't anything like the movie," said Garrity, 54, watching the interior of his large intestine on a video monitor. "This voyage is decidedly non-fantastic." Garrity was then instructed to roll over on his side by nurse Marge Klogert, who bears no resemblance to Raquel Welch.
Canadian Immigration Under Fire #~# Canada's relatively lax immigration policy has drawn criticism from U.S. leaders, who say the country provides an easy home base for terrorists. What do you think?
I Should Start Some Sort Of Huge Corporation #~# Oh, man, I have been seriously short of funds lately. Working security at Rite Aid for $6.55 an hour is just not cutting it the way it used to. But I'm not worried, because last night, as I was standing there staring at the rows of shampoo bottles and disposable razors, the answer hit me: I should start some sort of huge corporation!
Thousands Of High-School Sweethearts Prepare For Post-Graduation Breakup #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a time-honored annual ritual, thousands of high-school seniors across the nation are cramming for final exams, trying on their graduation gowns, and preparing to break up with their longtime sweethearts.
Kline Not Sure He Fits In At Oppendahl, Oppendahl, Kline & Oppendahl #~# NEW YORK—Despite having been a partner at the prestigious Manhattan law firm since 1984, Martin Kline is still not sure he fits in at Oppendahl, Oppendahl, Kline & Oppendahl LLP. "I don't know," the 53-year-old corporate-finance specialist said Monday. "I mean, sure, Bill, Larry, and Dan [Oppendahl] treat me like one of their own. But for some reason, I just somehow feel different. No matter how many contracts I draw up or hours I bill, I still don't quite feel like I belong."
Body Of Missing Mad Magazine Reporter Found In Blecchistan #~# POTRZEBIE, BLECCHISTAN—Questions regarding the fate of Mad magazine reporter Phil Fonebone, kidnapped at the hands of Blecchistani extremists three months ago, were answered Monday with the discovery of his body at an undisclosed location near Potrzebie.
National Science Foundation: Science Hard #~# INDIANAPOLIS—The National Science Foundation's annual symposium concluded Monday, with the 1,500 scientists in attendance reaching the consensus that science is hard. 
Area Woman Slams Down Phone, Waits For It To Ring #~# STARKVILLE, MS— Following a heated conversation with boyfriend Chris Lea, area resident Michelle Aston, 22, violently slammed down her phone receiver and immediately began waiting for Lea to call back. "He'll call," Aston said. "He's too smart not to." Aston waited six minutes and eleven seconds before heading to the back porch to smoke a cigarette.
Hypnotist Looking For Gimmick To Set Him Apart From Other Hypnotists #~# CHICAGO—  Hypnotist Ed "Dr. Mysterioso" Allen is seeking a gimmick to set him apart from the hundreds of other hypnotists on the nightclub circuit. "I don't know, there's already a bunch of singing hypnotists and a ventriloquist hypnotist," said Allen, leafing through ads in the back pages of Getting Sleepy, a hypnotism trade magazine. "Maybe I could be the juggling hypnotist. Or wear some sort of funny hat. I just don't want to be lost in the crowd."
New Ad Preys On People With 'Ideas' #~# LOS ANGELES— A new ad appearing in dozens of magazines and newspapers shamelessly preys on people with "ideas." "Turn your idea into $$$!" read the 1/16th-page ad, which ran this week in the classifieds section of Parade and Rolling Stone. "Learn how top inventors get their ideas off the page and into the marketplace!" It remains to be seen how the nation's idea-having demographic will respond to the unnamed advertiser's attempt to charge a fee per idea submission, successful or not.
Drought-Ravaged NYC Institutes Alternate-Side-Of-Street Firefighting #~# NEW YORK— Suffering from months of drought, New York City instituted alternate-side-of-the-street firefighting Monday. "On odd-numbered days, even-numbered buildings are not permitted to catch fire," Mayor Michael Bloomberg said at a press conference. "For those who fail to comply, we will not be able to put out your fire until the following morning. Your kind cooperation will help conserve water resources throughout the New York area."
Jackie Chan's Ancestors Shamed By Blooper Reel #~# HONG KONG— The shades of the ancestors of action hero Jackie Chan were posthumously disgraced upon seeing a "blooper reel" at the end of Rush Hour 2. "I die a thousand deaths when my dishonorable progeny fails to remember his line," said the ghost of Chan Kim-Yiang, who died fighting against the British occupation of Hong Kong in 1840. "To see him flip off a restaurant table, only to land wrong and bonk his head, brings dishonor to all the Chans who have passed from this world into the realm of wind and ghosts."
The India-Pakistan Conflict #~# Tensions continue to rise between India and Pakistan, with the nuclear rivals threatening to go to war over the disputed Kashmir region. What do you think?
Career Separates #~# When Roz, my Fashion Bug supervisor, called the entire staff together for a special meeting, I swore that this time, I'd come prepared. Whenever we have a meeting, Ellen, the girl who got the assistant-manager position instead of me just because she's Roz's friend, brings a treat like crumb cake or donuts. Everybody always makes such a big fuss about it, like she made this big effort. (Her baked goods are homemade, all right… in Mrs. Entenmann's home!) 
The FBI Overhaul #~# Under fire form pre-Sept. 11 intelligence breakdowns, the FBI inveiled a sweeping reform plan last week. 
Klan Rally 70 Percent Undercover Reporters #~# SPARTANBURG, SC—Vowing to "defend white Christian America against its mongrel assailants," some 20 members of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan and more than 45 investigative reporters posing as members rallied on the steps of Spartanburg's city hall Saturday. 
General Mills' Star Wars: Episode II Cereal Gets It All Wrong #~# Talk about disappointing. 
Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Assuring the nation that "there is no need for alarm," the Office of Homeland Security issued all U.S. citizens life jackets for some unexplained reason Monday.
Affair Broken Up By Other Affair #~# ODESSA, TX—An extramarital affair between local claims adjuster Ken Hubrin and cocktail waitress Teri Belasco came to an abrupt end Monday when Hubrin informed his mistress that he had been cheating on her with coffee-shop manager Amanda Strauss.
White Person Waved Past Beeping Walgreens Security Barrier #~# CHICAGO— Caucasian shopper Bryce Glynn, 34, was waved through a beeping Walgreens security barrier Tuesday after the store's alarm system was activated by a CD purchased at a nearby Sam Goody. "Go ahead," said cashier Maria Ordonez with a casual waving motion. "You're fine." As Glynn volunteered to open his shopping bag to show its contents, the security guard at the store's entrance declined the offer, insisting that he exit unchecked.
Gym Teacher Secretly Hates Nerds #~# SIOUX FALLS, SD—In spite of a professional obligation to treat all P.E. students equally, Thorpe High School gym teacher Brad Malanga, 37, secretly hates the unathletic nerds whose forebears he bullied and ridiculed back in his own school days. 
Sanrio Introduces New Divorced Character #~# TOKYO—Sanrio Company, Ltd., the Japan-based creators of "Hello Kitty," unveiled the latest addition to their cartoon universe Monday, a divorced dolphin named Batsu-Ichi. 
Ex-Girlfriend Flashback Leaves Man Paralyzed In Produce Aisle #~# MITCHELL, SD— Alex Borland, 26, was paralyzed by a ginger-root-triggered ex-girlfriend flashback in the produce aisle of his local supermarket Monday. "Excuse me, sir… Excuse me," a fellow shopper told Borland, who was lost in memories of the day last December when he and then-girlfriend Jill Weston bought ginger root for an Oriental salad they later prepared at Weston's apartment. "I'm trying to get to the kiwis. Would you please move? Hello?"
Panhandler Demands Explanation For Failure To Provide Quarter #~# ATLANTA— Local panhandler John "Jolly Jack" Sabourin angrily insisted that pedestrian Bruce DiCostanzo explain his failure to spare 25 cents Monday. "Why not?" an indignant Sabourin asked after being turned down. "Why you don't gimme no quarter?" After explaining that he had no change on him and that he was sorry, DiCostanzo walked two blocks before realizing he'd just apologized for not handing free money to a complete stranger.
World's Last Bob Hope Fan Dies Of Old Age #~# JEFFERSON CITY, MO— Vic Wilmot, 97, the world's last Bob Hope fan, died in his sleep Monday, finally rendering the long-endangered species extinct. "He was always going on about some guy called Bob Hope," said great-grandson Clint, 22. "I'm not sure, but it sounded like he was some sort of actor." In the past 12 months, more than a dozen species of fandom have become extinct, including the Katharine Hepburn Fan, the Mickey Rooney Fan, and the Red Buttons Fan.
Man As Surprised As Anyone That He Knows All The Members Of 'N Sync #~# ORDWAY, CO— Craig Bulone is "as surprised as anyone" that he can name all the members of 'N Sync, the 31-year-old reported Monday. "There's Justin, that's Lance… J.C., Joey… and I'm pretty sure that last one is Chris," said Bulone, watching an 'N Sync video on MTV with roommate Todd Campa. "Jesus Christ. Did I just name all five members of 'N Sync?" Bulone remains unaware that he knows all the words to Chad Kroeger's "Hero."
Orphanage Director Pushing Asian Orphans #~# AMES, IA— Plagued with a surplus, St. Joseph Orphanage director Ann Rath has been pushing Asian orphans to prospective adoptive parents. "This is Mi Ling—isn't she pretty?" said Rath, introducing Bonnie and Paul Fisher to one of the 40-bed orphanage's 27 Asian children. "Or, if you'd prefer a boy, we have Tan Dinh. He's crazy about baseball." The Fishers, who were hoping for a Russian girl, told Rath they would "think it over"—the fifth time a couple has done so in the past week.
Charging Obese Flyers Double #~# Southwest Airlines recently announced plans to strictly enforce a policy that asks passengers too large for its seats to purchase an extra fare. What do you think?
U.S. Takes Out Debt-Consolidation Loan #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Plagued by late fees, high interest rates, and harassing creditors, the U.S. took out a debt-consolidation loan Monday, combining the nation's $6.1 trillion debt into a single, easy monthly payment. 
The Snakehead Menace #~# Native to Asia, the land-walking snakehead fish has spread to seven U.S. states, posing a potentially major environmental threat. What is known about the fish?
Zing! I Just Got You With Another One Of My Trademark 'Complete Lies' #~# Gotcha!
It's Good, Hutchins, But Is It Delta In-Flight Magazine Good? #~# I won't mince words with you, Hutchins. Your "St. Louis: Red, White & Blues!" article is good. Damn good. I'm reminded of a young me so many years ago, pecking out an inspired look at Scotland's 10 best golf courses. Yes, I know your article would more than pass muster at most magazines. But this isn't most magazines. This is Delta Sky, the best in-flight magazine there is. So the question remains: Your article is good, but is it Delta Sky good?
Cocktail Party Gets As Wild As It's Going To Get #~# PROVIDENCE, RI— A cocktail party at the home of art curator Martin Conroy was already as wild as it was going to get by 8 p.m. Monday. "Oh, my goodness, look at Ted," said Marisa Pulsipher, spotting fellow partygoer Ted Kannell doing his impersonation of Boston Symphony conductor Seiji Ozawa. "He is just irrepressible." The party almost got wilder when Conroy pondered breaking out a bottle of Loch Morar 30-year-old single-malt scotch, but he ultimately decided not to.
Substance-Abusing Star's Publicist Has Been To Hell And Back #~# MALIBU, CA—Sara Baumann, who for seven nightmarish years was trapped in the powerful grip of client Matthew Perry's drug and alcohol dependency, has "come out the other side, stronger than ever," the 33-year-old publicist said Monday.
Grad Student Deconstructs Take-Out Menu #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Jon Rosenblatt, 27, a Harvard University English graduate student specializing in modern and postmodern critical theory, deconstructed the take-out menu of a local Mexican restaurant "out of sheer force of habit" Monday. 
Husband Chooses Car Based On Lowest Passenger-Side Impact Rating #~# LINCOLN, NE— Husband Bruce Menden purchased a Geo Metro Tuesday, selecting the car on the basis of its rock-bottom passenger-side impact rating in Consumer Reports. "This car's price isn't inflated by sturdy, impact-resistant steel, is it?" Menden asked the salesman. "Safety's important, but I don't want to blow a fortune on luxuries." Menden, who always drives during outings with wife Cheryl, also passed on the optional passenger-side airbag.
Motivational Tape Gets Man Excited For 20 Minutes #~# SALINA, KS— The motivational cassette "Start That Motor!" got laid-off sales rep Bruce Smales, 39, excited about his life's possibilities for 20 minutes Monday. "The guy on the tape talked about all kinds of things, like 'making your luck' and stuff," Smales said. "It sounded great, and I went right off to make my 'Life List.'" Upon finding his pen out of ink, Smales retired to the couch, where he watched a Hunter marathon on TBS
Celebrity Disappointed After Meeting Fan #~# LOS ANGELES— Denzel Washington, who on Monday finally met longtime fan Brenda Haines, found the encounter anticlimactic, the Oscar-winning actor said. "I don't know, from her fan mail I always thought she'd be more exciting, I guess," Washington said following his awkward four-minute conversation with the 47-year-old Pomona waitress and mother of three. "And I'd always imagined she was taller."
Man Trying To Remember How That Music They Used To Play Before HBO Movies Went #~# ALBANY, NY— Local resident Clint Fuster, 33, struggled to remember the old "HBO Feature Presentation" theme music from the '80s Monday. "They had that thing where the camera zoomed through a city street and up into the sky," Fuster said. "Then it went something like, 'Na-na-NAAA, na na-NAAA.' But I also remember a part that went, like, 'NA-na-na, NA-na-na.' It was really cool—almost as cool as the credits for USA Night Flight."
More Police Brutality In L.A. #~# The Inglewood police officer seen on a videotape violently arresting a handcuffed black teenager has pleaded innocent to an assault charge.What do you think?
The Corporate-Fraud Bill #~# Responding to the recent rash of business-world corruption, the House passed a corporate-fraud bill last week.
Alcohol-Themed Bar Opens #~# HOUSTON— Fans of alcoholic beverages were excited by the opening of J.T. O'Drinky's, a new booze-themed bar. "Lots of people love alcohol, so we figured that a bar centered on that concept was a natural," said Jim Reichel, owner and creator of the bar. "Patrons can enjoy a 'Gin and Tonic,' and other whimsically named drinks, as well as enjoy our decor, which includes posters and neon signs celebrating various beers and liquors."
Nation To Be Tested For Scoliosis Friday #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a mandatory, nationwide health initiative many Americans are dreading, all U.S. citizens will be tested for scoliosis Friday. 
Bush Begins Hunger Strike To Protest Human-Rights Abuses In Nepal #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Against strenuous objections from his advisors, President Bush began a hunger strike Monday to protest human-rights abuses in Nepal, vowing to subsist solely on water and vitamin supplements until "the twin clouds of violence and oppression are lifted from the land." 
Jacko Is On The Attacko! #~# Item! Jacko has gone wacko, going on the attacko against Sony for discriminating against artists who are blacko! 
This Promotional Pen Works So Great, Imagine How Well The Drug Must Work #~# Somebody just sent a box of Prilosec promotional pens to our clinic and, boy, am I impressed. It's got a big, comfortable barrel and comes in an attractive purple. And it writes smooth as can be. No globbing or streaking; just a nice, clean, blue ballpoint line. It's also got some really cool writing along the side: "Prilosec® (Omeprazole) 20-MG capsules." Prilosec, huh? This Prilosec pen is so great, I'll bet anything the drug is great, too. 
Family Upgrades To Shells & Cheese #~# MOBILE, AL— After years of eating regular Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the Conroy family upgraded Monday to the higher-end Velveeta Shells & Cheese. "We've finally arrived," said wife Beverly Conroy while serving up a heaping bowl of the delicacy, made possible by husband Corey's 35-cent raise at the local tile factory. "It's nothing but the finest processed instant foods for us from now on." Pending sensible budgeting, the family hopes to move up from Hydrox cookies to Oreos by August.
Dad Keeps Dropping Hints About Mom's Sexual Proclivities #~# PHOENIX, AZ—Rodney Granger, 46, a Phoenix-area father of three, drops frequent hints about his wife Sandy's sexual proclivities, his creeped-out children announced Monday.
Cheney Caught Moonlighting #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The longtime suspicions of White House supervisors were confirmed Monday, when Vice-President Dick Cheney was caught moonlighting at a D.C.-area Denny's restaurant. 
Sherwin-Williams Triumphantly Reports Nearly Half The Planet Covered In Paint #~# CLEVELAND— Sherwin-Williams officials announced Monday that the company is nearing the midpoint of its 112-year project to cover the Earth in a coat of bright red paint. "We're proud to announce that the entire Northern Hemisphere should be slathered 10 feet deep in candy-apple red Latex Semi-Gloss by year's end," Sherwin-Williams CEO Christopher Connor said. "And we are fully confident that the rest of the globe can be completed well before the giant space bucket runs out of paint." For the more difficult second-phase painting of the Earth's underside, workmen equipped with spray hoses will be suspended by cables from the equator.
Winning Dad Forces Tired Child To Finish Monopoly Game #~# DOWNERS GROVE, IL— With hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, Ted Cleamons, 36, forced his exhausted 8-year-old son Andy to stay up late Monday to finish their Monopoly game. "Come on, kiddo, it shouldn't be too much longer," Ted told a bleary-eyed Andy at 11:15 p.m., just past the game's three-hour mark. "Go again, you rolled doubles."
Missing White Girl Drives Missing Black Girl From Headlines #~# CORVALLIS, OR— Becky Van Gelder, an 11-year-old white girl from Corvallis, was abducted from her home Monday, bumping 10-year-old Chicago black girl Tyesha Washington from the nation's newspaper headlines. "When a child is harmed, we all lose a small piece of our collective innocence," said USA Today managing editor Donna McCutcheon, who moved the Washington abduction to page 23A to make room for Van Gelder on the cover. "Especially when it's a young blonde girl like Becky."
Israeli Bus Driver Wants Really Big Raise #~# TEL AVIV, ISRAEL— His nerves shot, Tel Aviv bus driver Yehuda Ben-Zvi said Monday that he wants a "really big" raise. "I'm sorry, but 20 lousy sheqels an hour to drive a bus in this country just doesn't cut it," said Ben-Zvi, 44, nervously scanning each person boarding his bus. "If they don't up me to at least 100 [sheqels] an hour, I'm outta here." Added Ben-Zvi: "Shit, it's not like I've got some deep commitment to providing public transportation. People can walk."
Executing The Mentally Retarded #~# The Supreme Court recently ruled that executing mentally retarded criminals is "cruel and unusual punishment," violating the Eighth Amendment. What do you think?
The Rolling Stone Makeover #~# Seeking to lure a young readership, Rolling Stone is undergoing a major editorial overhaul.
Ask Popular Mechanics, March 1947 #~# My father, who hasn't been the same since Mom died nine years ago, has finally found the courage to remarry. His new wife is a very nice person, and she certainly makes him very happy. But she insists that I call her "Mother," and she sometimes acts like she raised me. Needless to say, I resent this, but I don't want to upset my dad. How do I handle this sticky situation?
Hi, I'm Just Calling To Follow Up On That Make-Out Session We Had Last Week #~# Hello, is this Megan? Hi, Megan, it's Patrick Hewitt from Brian's birthday party. Just calling to follow up on that make-out session we had last week. Do you have a minute? Great.
Outdoor-Music-Festival Grounds Mistaken For Refugee Camp #~# FAIRVIEW, MO—The camping and concert grounds for Countryfest 2002, a week-long festival attended by more than 120,000 music fans, was mistaken for a refugee camp by passing Red Cross workers Tuesday.
Anti-Spam Legislation Opposed By Powerful Penis-Enlargement Lobby #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Efforts to pass legislation restricting Internet "spam"—unsolicited mass e-mails usually for advertising purposes—are meeting with strong resistance from the nation's powerful penis-enlargement lobby.
Horrible Band Obviously Not Listening To Its Influences #~# SAN DIEGO— Puddle Of Mudd, a dreary nü-metal rock band that cites Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, and Metallica as influences, is obviously not listening to those influences. "Zep, Sabbath, Metallica, Maiden, Aerosmith—growing up, that's what we listened to, and that's what shaped our sound," said lead singer Wes Scantlin, whose mopey, monotone vocals in no way bear the stamp of Robert Plant, Steven Tyler, or his other idols. Scantlin, who made the comments during an interview Monday with Spin reporter Charles Aaron, failed to say which part of Puddle Of Mudd's atrocious new ballad "Drift & Die" resembles "When The Levee Breaks" or "Sweet Emotion."
Stoner Uncle All The Kids' Favorite #~# AUSTIN, TX—Stoner Mike "Gonzo" Dornheim, 37, a freelance carpenter and part-time drummer, is the favorite uncle of his six nephews and nieces, family sources revealed Monday. 
Girl In Park Acts Like It's No Big Deal She's Wearing Bikini #~#  TOLEDO, OH—Angela Liss, 21, made like it was no big deal that she was wearing a bikini in the park Monday. "She's all, 'Doo-dee-doo, I'm just hanging out here at the park,' like nothing's unusual," said Josh Arvada, moments after the curvaceous blonde asked him for the time. "Does she have any idea how fundamentally it alters the conversational dynamic when a woman is dressed like that?" Liss then casually applied lotion to her shoulders and legs, as if that wasn't a big deal, either.
Finger-Quotes Lady Now Doing Hand Parentheses #~# LINCOLN, NE—Finger-quotes lady Ann Hahn, 41, has added hand parentheses to her hand-punctuation repertoire, sources reported Monday. "I ran into Ann in the breakroom, and she told me Mindy Lewis wasn't at work last Friday because she was sick," coworker Edward Felk said. "Then she cups her hands and adds, 'from drinking too much.' Who does that?" Added Felk: "What's next, thumb commas?"
3-Year-Old Terrified By Sizzling Fajita Platter #~#  BRADENTON, FL—Hannah Robles, 3, shrieked in terror Monday when a Bennigan's waitress brought her father a plate of audibly hot Super Sizzlin' Fajitas. "Those fajitas really startled Hannah," said Evan Robles, 35. "I'm not sure if it was the sound of the fried onions angrily crackling in their 500-degree juices or the heat-distortion waves rising off the cast-iron skillet plate, but she just freaked."
Movie Works Out Exactly As Audience Hoped #~# ALTOONA, PA—Moviegoers at Clearview Cinema's 9:30 p.m. showing of My Big Fat Greek Wedding expressed delight Saturday, when the romantic comedy worked out exactly as they had hoped. "It was heartwarming enough to see the two young lovers get married after all they'd been through," said Janet Garlin, exiting the multiplex. "But to see the bride reconcile her feelings toward her crazy family? That was like a special bonus." Garlin said she hadn't been this satisfied by a movie's ending since the last movie she saw.
When I Have Kids I'm Not Going To Drown Them #~# That is just horrifying. Absolutely disgraceful. I can hardly believe some of the sick things I see on the evening news these days. Well, I'll tell you one thing: When I have kids, I'm not going to drown them. 
Heimlich Demands Maneuver Royalties #~#  CINCINNATI—Lawyers for Dr. Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, warned Monday that the doctor will sue anyone who performs his patented procedure without paying royalties. "The Heimlich maneuver is a registered trademark of my client," attorney Steve Greene said. "We are prepared to protect Mr. Heimlich's proprietary rights, even if it means filing a legal injunction against any non-royalty-paying choking victims."
Me Crush Middle-Class Tax Hike #~# Raaaah! Gronk hate H.R. 3712, the Income And Property Tax Reassessment Act! Senator Gronk crush middle-class tax hike! 
Price Of Penis-Shaped Swimming Pool Negotiated #~# LAKE TAHOE, NV—The price of a customized penis-shaped swimming pool was negotiated down Monday, when purchaser Rocky Morgan persuaded contractor Lou Visconti to agree to a $12,000 reduction in price. 
Invading Iraq #~# Determined to oust Saddam Hussein, President Bush has been attempting to rally support for an invasion of Iraq. What do  you think?
The Baseball Strike #~# The Major League Baseball players union has set a strike deadline of Aug. 30. What are the players' demands?
Search For Public Restroom An Epic Ordeal Of Alienation, Humiliation, Human Cruelty #~# AMES, IA—A local resident's search for a public bathroom became an epic odyssey of alienation, humiliation, and human cruelty Monday. 
DVD Tries To Pass Off 'Language Options,' 'Scene Selection' As Special Features #~# PLANO, TX—The recently released Joe Somebody DVD attempts to pass off "language options" and "scene selection" as special features, an unhappy buyer reported Monday. "What the hell?" said Plano, TX, resident Bill Vinson, who was hoping for never-before-seen outtakes or director's commentary. "While they're at it, why don't they boast that it features 'complete credits' and a special 'pause option'? Christ."
60 Percent Of Local Man's Workday Spent On Sports Fandom #~# ST. LOUIS—Area resident Denny Wetzel, 29, dedicates 60 percent of his workday to the pursuit of sports fandom, sources reported Monday.
Exiled American King Triumphantly Returns To Washington #~# WASHINGTON, DC—After nearly three decades in exile, King William IV returned to the U.S. to reclaim his throne Monday.
Former Senator Still Hanging Around Capitol #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Former Virginia senator Charles Robb, ousted from Congress in the 2000 elections by Republican challenger George Allen, continues to hang around the Capitol building nearly two years later, sources reported Monday. 
Woman Thinks She Would Make A Great Talk-Show Host #~#  CREVE COEUR, MO—Suzanne Bergtraum believes she would make an excellent host of a daytime-TV talk show, the 42-year-old podiatry-office receptionist disclosed Tuesday. "I'm sympathetic and an excellent listener, but I'm also not afraid to set somebody straight with a swift kick in the pants when it's called for," Bergtraum told coworker Alice Lehmann. "Plus, I'm totally high-energy and live to crack people up. Just ask any of my girlfriends." Bergtraum, whose show would be called Suzanne, said she "just [has] a way with people."
29-Year-Old Has Blast Writing His Will #~# GALVESTON, TX—Area resident Brian Whitford had "the best friggin' time" writing his will, the 29-year-old disclosed Monday. "That was so awesome, dividing up my DVDs and shit," said Whitford upon completion of the bequest portion. "I even got to give [former college roommate Steve] Krollner a big 'fuck you' by leaving him nothing but that one Phish CD I used to play all the time that he hated." Whitford, who left most of his possessions to members of his family, bequeathed girlfriend Cindy Meijer his prized collection of vintage 1977 McDonaldland glasses.
Lazy FDA Approves X-Ray Vision Pills #~#  WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the hot weather and a desire to go home for the day, FDA officials approved American Products Limited's "X-Ray Vision Pills" for commercial sale in the U.S. Monday. "After evaluating this and regulating that for months, we were really dying to cut out early, so we were all just like, 'Fuck it. Let's just approve this,'" FDA deputy commissioner Lester Crawford said. "Besides, nobody could think of a real good reason why X-ray-vision pills would be unsafe."
Two New Burger King Sandwiches Negate Each Other #~#  MIAMI—In a gala ceremony at its Miami headquarters, the Burger King Corporation rolled out two new sandwiches that conceptually negate each other. "The new Veggie Burger, with just seven grams of fat, is a refreshing, heart-smart alternative to the usual fast-food junk," Burger King vice-president Robert Fass said. "And brace yourselves, meat lovers: The new BK Hickory Bacon Triple Stack—three juicy, big-beef patties topped with crispy bacon and slathered in a rich, smoked-cheddar sauce—is gonna blow you away." Burger theoreticians posit that the sandwiches could destroy each other if sold in a single order.
History Teacher Has Unusual Favorite President #~#  GROVEDALE, MN—Paul Loftus, an 11th-grade history teacher at Grovedale High School, proudly touts his unconventional choice for favorite U.S. president, Calvin Coolidge. "People fail to appreciate how Coolidge essentially rebuilt the presidency after the Harding scandals," said Loftus, who enjoys announcing and discussing his surprise pick whenever possible. "He was also a great diplomat who did much to foster world peace, all despite the tragic death of his son in his first term." Loftus went on to counter the widely held misconception that Coolidge, sometimes known as "Silent Cal," was a serious, humorless man.
Arafat's $1.3 Billion #~# PLO leader Yasser Arafat has amassed a personal fortune of $1.3 billion—much of it allegedly coming from international aid intended for his people. What do you think?
Dad Defends Purchase Of Bargain-Brand Cereal #~# GOSHEN, IN—Calling his actions "sensible" and "how it's going to be from now on," Glen Showalter, a Goshen-area father of three, defended his unpopular decision to purchase bargain-brand breakfast cereals Monday. 
Celebrity Clothing Lines #~# From Jennifer Lopez to Delta Burke to 'N Sync's Chris Kirkpatrick, many celebrities are releasing their own signature clothing lines.
Wine-Appreciation Tips #~# Wine appreciation is a true art form. Here are some tips to help you become an aficionado. 
Gay Man, Unattractive Woman Form Tight Bond #~# GULFPORT, MS—Heavy-set, frumpily dressed Debbie Ayler and openly gay Curtis Gwinn are the best of friends, the pair reported Monday. 
Let Smoove Take You Away #~# Girl, I know what you want. In addition, as your man, I know what you need.
And Now, The Matter Of Whether To Pre-Approve Douglas C. Schwoegler For a Visa Gold Card #~# So we're unanimous on the merger with Chase Manhattan? Excellent. I think we all agree that this merger will benefit both companies tremendously. Nelson, get started on the paperwork for that immediately. I want it on my desk by Friday. 
God Promises 'Big Surprises' In Store For Hurricane Season #~# HOLLYWOOD, FL—The 2002 hurricane season will be packed with "big surprises, big windspeeds, and a big, big finish," God announced Monday at a press conference touting His fall schedule.
Fake-A-Wish Foundation Introduces Dying Child To Brett Favre Lookalike #~#  SHIOCTON, WI—Corey Hoffman, a 7-year-old Green Bay Packers fanatic stricken with terminal leukemia, received the thrill of his short lifetime Tuesday, when he met Brett Favre lookalike Morris Aubrey. "You should have seen the way Corey's face lit up when he met the man he was convinced was his football idol," said Fake-A-Wish president Dean Pivarnik. "Moments like that are the whole reason we do this. Whether a child wants a phone call from a Michael Jackson soundalike or just wants to meet Milky Mouse before he dies, we are proud to make that dream come true."
The West Nile Virus #~# The deadly, mosquito-borne West Nile virus is spreading across the U.S. What are health officials doing to fight the outbreak?
Millionaire Vows To Do For Government What He Did For Turkey Ranches #~# VIDALIA, GA—Millionaire Georgia businessman Hoyt Mullins, Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate, told supporters at a campaign stop Monday that he can do for the government what he did for turkey ranches. 
American Teen Somehow Developing Unhealthy Attitude Toward Sex #~# ST. LOUIS—Andrew Zollner, a teenage male born and raised in the U.S., has somehow developed an unhealthy attitude toward sex and human sexuality, sources close to the 16-year-old report. 
Lie-Detector Tests For Congress #~# The FBI wants members of Congress to take lie-detector tests in an investigation of leaked information regarding the Sept. 11 attacks. What do you think?
Nation's Economic Recovery Hinging On Success Of Diet Vanilla Coke #~#  WASHINGTON, DC—As the nation struggles through a recession, economy watchers are pinning their hopes for recovery on the soon-to-be-launched Diet Vanilla Coke. "Diet Vanilla Coke, to be introduced this fall, is our last, best chance at turning this thing around," Fed chief Alan Greenspan said. "We had hoped that Pepsi Blue or Dr. Pepper Red Fusion would stem the tide, but consumers have not responded in sufficient numbers." If Diet Vanilla Coke fails to jumpstart the economy, experts say the U.S. is doomed. 
Sixth-Grader's Family Tree Fails To Hold Up To Scrutiny #~#  CALVERTON, MD—Sixth-grader Adam Jones' family tree, assigned recently as homework, fails to hold up to scrutiny, social-studies teacher Gwen Wexler reported Monday. "I'm a little skeptical of Adam's claim that he's descended from [movie star] Vin Diesel," Wexler said. "There's also something suspicious about his tracing his mother's lineage to Cal Ripken Jr." Wexler expressed further doubts about Jones' claim that he is related to actor James Earl Jones by way of "the Zimbabwe Joneses."
Woman With Shitty Job Her Own Boss #~#  DEXTER, MI—Cynthia Rimler, self-employed for the past three months as a sales representative for RoyalAire Cosmetics, sets her own hours and answers to no one regarding her shitty job. "Nobody tells me what neighborhood to canvass or when," boasted Rimler, who earned $400 last month selling makeup door-to-door. "And if I decide I want a day off, hey, I'm the boss." Rimler added that she wouldn't be selling RoyalAire Cosmetics if the products weren't good enough for her own face.
Stereotypes Are A Real Time-Saver #~# I'm a busy guy. And, while I'd love to, I don't have the time to get to know every person I encounter in the course of my daily life. So thank goodness I have a handy little device at my disposal that helps me know how to deal with just about anyone I come across: stereotypes. Yes, stereotypes are a real time-saver!
Police Interruption Hastily Written Into Student Film #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Hassled by police for not having a shooting permit, University of Tennessee sophomore Eric Draper, 19, hastily rewrote his student film Monday to incorporate the mid-scene interruption.
Pope Wins Host-Eating Contest #~# CONEY ISLAND, NY—Pope John Paul II won Monday's 14th Annual Coney Island Host-Eating Contest, as the Vicar of Christ ate 392 sanctified wafers in 12 minutes, edging out his nearest competition, Japanese trencherman Takeru Kobayashi. "His Holiness put on an incredible display of eating, devouring the equivalent of seven and a half full bodies of Christ," said contest organizer and head judge Bishop Thomas Daily. "In the last few seconds, bits of chewed-up wafer started coming out of his nose, but we allowed it because none hit the ground." Said third-place finisher Eric "Badlands" Booker: "Hey, that's why he's pope."
Magazine Announces Plans For Special 'Sex Issue' #~# NEW YORK—In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the magazine industry, Jane announced plans Monday to publish a special "Sex Issue." 
Lou Dobbs Hosts Moneyline From Window Ledge #~# NEW YORK—Rattled by Wall Street's extreme volatility of late, CNN Moneyline anchor Lou Dobbs hosted the program from a windy ledge high above New York's financial district Tuesday. 
Family Dog Barking At Evil #~# MEDFORD, OR—Spraggles, the Reid family's terrier, was barking at evil again Monday, his canine instincts detecting the presence of an unseen sinister force. "What on Earth is he carrying on about?" asked owner Ed Reid, watching Spraggles bark at a hall closet. "There's nothing in that closet but Grandma's old wedding gown and a hammer." Spraggles then headed to the backyard to bark at more evil, this time in the form of a newspaper page swirling in the wind.
Cash-Strapped Michael Jackson Forced To Sell Off Pet Giraffes As Meat #~# NEVERLAND VALLEY RANCH, CA—Nearly bankrupt due to Sony exploitation and under-promotion, Michael Jackson was forced to sell more than two dozen of his beloved pet giraffes to exotic-meat suppliers Monday. "I will greatly miss Patches and Princess and the other giraffes," Jackson said in a statement read by his lawyer. "But Tommy Mottola has cruelly left me with no choice but to pawn off some of my dearest friends in order to survive." Jackson's financial situation is reportedly so dire that he's also had to make do with a bargain-brand anal bleach.
Police Seek Poorly Drawn Man #~# DETROIT—Four days after the murder of liquor-store clerk Bernard Golub, police announced Tuesday that they are seeking a poorly drawn man in his 40s. "All units have been advised to be on the lookout for a 5-foot-9 Caucasian with dark hair and a lopsided face that looks all wrong in the jaw area," police chief Jerry Oliver said. Oliver added that the suspect has a scar across his forehead, or possibly just a mistake that wasn't fully erased.
Man Runs Out Of Questions To Ask 4-Year-Old #~# CAMDEN, SC—Two minutes into the interaction, David Linn ran out of questions to ask coworker Ron Marcone's 4-year-old son Luke. "I asked him his name, his age, if he has any brothers or sisters, if he's started school, his favorite food, what he wants to be when he grows up, and at least 20 things about the truck he was playing with," Linn said Monday. "After that, I just hit a wall." Linn added that he has newfound respect for Bill Cosby.
I'm Really Going To Miss This Task Force #~# As I look around this table, I see a group of people dedicated to improving the quality of school transportation in the North Rochester School District. More importantly, though, I see a group of people I will be very sorry to leave behind. I don't want to sound too gushy or sentimental, but I'm really going to miss this task force. 
Home Sex Tape Watched Once #~# ATLANTA—A 17-minute home sex tape made by Dennis and Tami Gilby in early May has not been watched since its initial viewing. "I guess I thought it was something we'd watch every so often to get our juices flowing, but we haven't," Dennis said Monday. "Neither of us look too good, and we move around a lot less than I'd imagined. Plus, it was a single, wide shot of the bed, and the picture wasn't white-balanced very well." Dennis added that he thinks he may already have taped over the footage with some West Wing episodes.
Repressible Wit #~# If there's one thing I believe, it's that laughter is the best medicine. And your trusty Dr. Jean has been writing you a regular prescription for years. Goodness knows I'm no Whoopi Goldberg (who is?), but I like to think that I, too, have been blessed with the gift of seeing the lighter side of things. And I enjoy sharing my gift with the world right here in A Room Of Jean's Own. 
The Fast-Food Lawsuit #~# On July 24, a lawsuit was filed against the fast-food industry for causing obesity and other health problems.
Everyone In Family Claims To Be The Black Sheep #~# STOCKTON, CA—Citing numerous examples of ostracization and failure to fit in, all of Paul and Martha Klessig’s three children see themselves as the black sheep of the family.
Catholic Teens Still Coming Down After Excitement Of World Youth Day #~# TORONTO—More than a week after the historic gathering, Catholic teens are still coming down from the excitement of World Youth Day, held July 28 in Toronto. "That was so totally rad, celebrating the Lord with the Pope and 800,000 of my fellow young Christians," said Missy Allen of Stillwater, OK. "It was just like Woodstock, only with more Christ and none of the sinful sex and drugs and rock music."
Trip To Native American Museum Turns Into Cigarette-Buying Spree #~# WABENO, WI—A visit to a Native American museum deteriorated into a cigarette-buying spree Sunday, when Milwaukee couple Tracie Hagen and Adam Bersold were lured away from the Potawatomi Historical Center by the chance to buy tax-free cigarettes at a nearby smoke shop.
The WorldCom Scandal #~# WorldCom falsely accounted for $3.8 billion in expenses, enabling the company to continue reporting profits when it was actually losing money. What do you think?
Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet #~# STONY BROOK, NY—In a dramatic reversal of decades-old medical wisdom, the late Dr. Albert Rossum, director of the O'Bannon Institute For Postmortem Nutritional Studies, recommended an all-brain diet for zombies Tuesday. 
Temp Replaced With Cheaper Temp #~#  SAN BERNARDINO, CA—In a personnel move expected to save the company $17 a day, Cyntrel Fiberoptics replaced longtime Manpower temp worker Paulette Riordan with lower-paid MetroTemp employee Don Sendelbach. "Paulette was a familiar face in this office who we all very much liked," departmental supervisor William Youmans said. "But with the economy the way it is, tough decisions sometimes have to be made. Don's really learning the ropes well." Riordan's plans for the future include calling Manpower to inquire about openings in other offices. 
B*A*P*S Rented On Strength Of Academy Award-Winning Stars #~# IRVING, TX—Blockbuster Video customer Stephanie Campbell rented the 1997 comedy B*A*P*S Tuesday, swayed by the presence of Oscar-winners Halle Berry and Martin Landau. "Wow, this is a pretty impressive cast," said Campbell, studying the back of the video box. "Talk about heavy hitters—it's even got Ian Richardson." Campbell ensured an evening of top-notch movie-watching by also renting Loaded Weapon I, which features Oscar-winner F. Murray Abraham.
American Idol Winner Already Complaining About Pressures Of Fame #~# NEW YORK—Kelly Clarkson, the winner of Fox's American Idol, griped about the pressures of her weeks-old celebrity Monday during an appearance on Live! With Regis And Kelly. "Being a star is amazing, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but sometimes it's like, 'Can I please have, like, one second to myself?'" Clarkson said. "Everyone wants a piece of you, and there is zero privacy." Clarkson, who performed her debut single "A Moment Like This" on Live!, said she plans to spend the next month "recharging at a secluded desert spa."
Hotel Bar Really Hopping Tonight, Says Hotel Bartender #~#  GRAND RAPIDS, MI—According to George Fontana, the Grand Rapids Hilton's Tiki Town bar and lounge is "really hopping tonight," the 46-year-old hotel bartender reported Monday. "Usually, Mondays are pretty slow around here," Fontana said. "But it's been non-stop since about 10. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure why. I'd say it was the dental-supply convention, but most of those fellas are staying over at the Radisson." Fontana added that if the rush keeps up, he may have to unlock the supply closet to get a fresh box of olive picks.
Mock Me If You Will, But This Huge Cock Has Gotten Me Out Of Some Tough Scrapes #~# Ha, ha, very funny. Laugh it up, guys. I'm glad you find it so amusing. 
Jack Welch's Retirement Perks #~# The details of General Electric CEO Jack Welch's lavish retirement package recently became public, sparking public outrage.
The Sept. 11 Anniversary: Two Weeks Later #~# WASHINGTON, DC—It seems hard to believe that a fortnight has already passed, but this Wednesday, the nation will come together to commemorate the two-week anniversary of the one-year anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks. 
Ask The Dauphin #~# This is a message for "Still Can't Believe It," whose 13-year-old dyed her hair pink the night before her Confirmation… GET OVER IT! It's just a little hair dye! It's not like your daughter uses drugs or held up a bank. It sounds like you've got a basically good kid who's going through a little phase, so relax and let her be her.
Ken, Barbie Reenact Parental Fight #~# SPARTA, TN—A pair of Mattel Barbie and Ken dolls reenacted a fight between the parents of Amanda Lytle, 6, in the girl's bedroom Monday. 
Disgusting Gyro Meat Magically Turns Delicious After Midnight #~# CHAMPAIGN, IL—A serving of greasy, heavily processed gyro meat was magically rendered delicious by the passage of the midnight hour, drunken Nick's Parthenon patron Sam Afton reported Monday. "Aw, man, this is so awesome," said Afton, gorging on the 14-hour-old, sodium-drenched strips of grade-C ground beef and lamb. "Thank God this place was open—I was starving." During his six years in Champaign, Afton had walked past the low-cost Greek eatery on 207 occasions, each time disgusted by the smell and sight of the massive rotating cylinder of cheap, low-grade meat on twin spindles.
20 Percent Of Area Man's Income Spent Ironically #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Alex Vartan, 24, a Louisville-area convenience-store cashier and part-time DJ, spends 20 percent of his income ironically, sources reported Monday.
Bush And The Weapons Inspections #~# Last week, Saddam Hussein agreed to U.N. weapons inspections in Iraq, but President Bush dismissed the offer as a cynical ploy. What do you think?
Director of High-School Play Buys Director's Chair Out Of Own Pocket #~# WILKES-BARRE, PA—Bill Enqvist, Wilkes-Barre East High School drama teacher and director of the school's upcoming production of West Side Story, purchased a wood-and-canvas director's chair from Wal-Mart with his own money Tuesday. "I was kind of hoping the school would spring for one for me, but I guess they didn't see it as essential," Enqvist said. "That's okay: After the play, I can spruce up my deck with it." Enqvist added that for the next theatrical season, he may splurge on personalized iron-on letters for the chair's back.
Senators Wish Domenici Would Bring Dog To Work More Often #~#  WASHINGTON, DC—Members of the U.S. Senate wish that Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) would bring his sheepdog Luke to work more often, Beltway sources reported Monday. "It's always so fun when we're debating a piece of legislation, and Luke comes charging in and runs all around the senate floor saying hi to everybody," Sen. Jon Corzine (D-NJ) said. "A couple weeks ago, I was right in the middle of a speech when he bowled me over and started licking my face." Virtually every senator has encouraged Domenici to bring in Luke, with the notable exception of Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA), who is "so allergic to that thing, it's not even funny."
Apartment Set Up To Create Illusion Of Well-Rounded Life #~# RIVERSIDE, CA—Hoping to trick visitors into thinking he leads a well-rounded life filled with diverse interests, local resident Andrew Higgins has outfitted his apartment with such accoutrements as a framed La Dolce Vita poster, an acoustic guitar, and a magazine rack filled with back issues of The New Yorker. "I'm clearly into some pretty cool stuff," said Higgins, 26, who devotes 95 percent of his evenings to playing his Nintendo GameCube or patronizing a local topless bar. "This apartment is indistinguishable from that of a true Renaissance man."
Son Surprised Dad Knows Johnny Cash Song #~#  IOWA CITY, IA—Shawn Sullivan, 22, was stunned to learn Monday that his father is familiar with the Johnny Cash song "I Walk The Line." "Where the hell did Dad learn that?" asked Sullivan, whose father recognized the song playing over speakers while dining out with the family. "That's, like, something me and my friends listen to." Sullivan conjectured that, while borrowing his father's car recently, he must have inadvertently left the radio tuned to KRUI 89.7, the local college radio station.
I'm Not Proud Of Some Of The Things I've Done #~# Can it be true that my years in this world already number 12? Though mine is but a dog's life, I have always tried to live it well. Early on, I made it my mission to explore the neighborhood beyond my own yard, to appreciate nature and its many wonderful smells. I've thirsted for knowledge, learning in excess of 10 tricks and committing to memory the location of every rabbit hole within a quarter mile. I have minded to comport myself with dignity, keeping my coat shiny and clean through a daily regimen of rigorous licking. 
Tracing Your Genealogy #~# Building your family tree can be a fun and rewarding activity. Here are some tips to help you get started: 
Area Man Always Nostalgic For Four Years Ago #~# BOTHELL, WA—Eric Bagley, 32, a Seattle-area freelance photographer and part-time graphic designer, is perpetually nostalgic for the life he led four years earlier. 
Keepin' It Real In Tha Midstate Crib #~# Very first time I wrote this column, it wuz to inform all y'all nonbelievaz out there that tha H-Dog wuz a BAD ASS who best not be fucked with. That wuz nearly six yearz ago, and ain't a damn thing changed. If y'all think I gone soft 'cause I gots a shortie now, you dangerously mistaken. I still as hardcore as they come, know what I'm sayin'? Cross me, an' I'll samurai on yo' ass. Word is bond. 
Teen Humiliated By Activist Mom #~# AUSTIN, TX—Roberta Asher, 47, a longtime crusader for environmental and human-rights causes, once again humiliated her teenage son Monday when she appeared on the local TV news speaking at a rally for migrant and seasonal agricultural workers. 
Europe, The U.S., And Saddam #~# A number of America's top European allies, including France and Germany, strongly oppose any potential U.S. military action against Iraq. What do you think?
Bush Sends Troops To West Nile #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Vowing to "exact justice for the taking of innocent American lives," a determined and defiant President Bush deployed more than 14,000 ground troops to the West Nile Monday. 
Report: Al-Qaeda Allegedly Engaging In Telemarketing #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a chilling development, the CIA announced Monday that it has acquired a videotape showing suspected al-Qaeda operatives engaging in what appears to be telemarketing. 
Jury Selection Proving Difficult In Trial Of 'The Jury Killer' #~# PHOENIX—Defense attorneys for Thomas David Skrepnak, accused in 1999 of fatally stabbing all 12 members of the jury hearing his armed-robbery trial, are having trouble finding unbiased jurors for his upcoming murder trial. "It is difficult to find a jury that won't be at least somewhat prejudiced against Thomas," lead defense attorney Patricia Wynne said Monday, "especially given the hot-button issue of jury murder at hand here." Skrepnak's last six court appearances all ended in mistrial.
Making McDonald's Healthier #~# Last week, McDonald’s announced plans to cook its french fries and other fried foods in a lower-fat oil. What other changes are in store?
8-Year-Old Can't Understand Why He Isn't Allowed On Roof #~# STERLING HEIGHTS, MI—No amount of explanation has been sufficient to make Dylan Rieder, 8, understand why he is not permitted on the roof of his family's two-story home. 
Balloon Deliveryman Forced To Take Bus #~#  BALTIMORE—His car in the shop, Balloon-O-Gram deliveryman Burt Girardi, 37, was forced to use public transit Tuesday. "Well, that was pleasant," Girardi said. "You haven't lived until you've sat on a jam-packed crosstown bus for 40 minutes holding an 18-balloon Birthday Bouquet while dressed in full Zorro regalia." Girardi added that teenagers today think they are so goddamn funny.
Senate Softball Team Loses Against Local Bar #~#  WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Senate softball team suffered its fourth straight defeat Tuesday, losing 11-4 to the Anchor Inn. "We were actually ahead in the second after [Sen.] Judd [Gregg (R-NH)] hit a two-run double," team captain Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) said. "But then, Anchor Inn scored six in the bottom of the inning, and the rout was on." For next week's game against Pitchers Pub, Ensign said he plans to move error-prone shortstop Barbara Mikulski (D-MD) to right field. 
Man Has Mixed Feelings About $39 Flight #~#  SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Moments after saving hundreds of dollars on round-trip airfare from Atlanta to Los Angeles, Phillip Walden, 41, experienced mixed feelings about the bargain $39 Southwest Airlines flight. "What sort of corners would they have to cut to make a profit on that low a fare?" Walden wondered aloud after completing the Expedia.com purchase. "Would $39 from every passenger even cover the fuel?" For safety's sake, Walden resolved to buy the second-cheapest ticket available from now on.
You Call That Groveling? #~# Denison, you've been with the company 14 years now, and you've always been a real team player. Rarely a sick day, money with deadlines, a real can-do guy in the clutch. So how is it that you could have dropped the ball so badly on this one? I thought I could count on you for some real down-and-dirty begging and self-degradation when we told you we'd have to let you go as part of cost-cutting initiatives. We expected you to plead for your job back. But what you're doing is disappointing to say the least. You call that groveling? 
I Regret To Say Your Wedding Falls Square In The Middle Of The Prisoner Marathon #~# When I received your wedding invitation, Neil, I was overcome with joy at the prospect of being part of your blessed day. As one of my oldest and dearest friends, you are the kind of person whose nuptials I would not want to miss for all the world. However, as much as I want to be there when you take Beth as your wife, I regret to say that your Oct. 12 wedding falls square in the middle of the Prisoner marathon on the Sci-Fi Channel. 
The 9/11 Anniversary #~# Wednesday marks the one-year anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks. How are we commemorating the occasion?
Supreme Court Cock-Blocks Iowa Man #~#  WASHINGTON, DC—By an 8-1 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court cock-blocked Des Moines, IA, bar patron Jon Carmody Friday, severely curtailing his power to score with fellow bar-goer Megan Navarre. "Carmody's right to put the moves on Navarre does not and cannot be construed to supersede this court's right to hit on her, too," Justice Antonin Scalia wrote in the majority opinion. "That Carmody scored last weekend with that blonde girl at P.J.'s serves to illustrate that he's had enough for now. We will preclude the shit out of that tool getting any from Navarre." 
Legalizing Pot In Canada #~# Last week, a Canadian parliamentary committee recommended that the government legalize the use of marijuana. What do you think?
Man Knows Just What He'd Say If He Met Christina Ricci #~# PITTSBURGH—Rick Hazell, a 29-year-old Pittsburgh liquor-store clerk and self-described "Christina Ricci nut," knows exactly what he would say if he were ever to meet the actress. 
Second Birthday In A Row Ruined By Terrorism #~# HOBOKEN, NJ—In what threatens to be an annual ritual, Rob Bachman, born Sept. 11, 1973, braced himself Tuesday for yet another birthday ruined by the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. 
Bush Won't Stop Asking Cheney If We Can Invade Yet #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Vice-President Dick Cheney issued a stern admonishment to President Bush Tuesday, telling the overeager chief executive that he didn't want to hear "so much as the word 'Iraq'" for the rest of the day. 
Taco Bell Employee Somehow Dressed Down By Manager #~#  DETROIT—Improbably, Taco Bell employee Wayne Lorimer, 28, was dressed down by manager Cal Dyer Tuesday. “I thought I was already cut down to size just by working here,” said Lorimer, a former Ford auto worker laid off earlier this year. “But Cal’s lecture about paying more attention to the proper way to apply sour cream if I want to remain a valued member of the Taco Bell family, that managed to lower me even more.” Lorimer said he thinks Dyer might be right out of high school.
Something Weird About Local Anchorman's Eyes #~# JOPLIN, MO—According to KODE-TV News At Five viewer JoBeth Anson, there's something weird about anchorman Mort Bonds' eyes. "I can't quite put my finger on it," Anson said. "It's like the eyes are looking in slightly different directions, like one is glass. Or maybe it's that one's a little higher than the other. Whatever it is, something's off." Anson expressed confidence that she will figure it out soon.
JazzFest Performer Recognizes Audience From Last Year #~#  INDIANAPOLIS—Twenty minutes into his set at Sunday's JVC JazzFest, jazz guitarist Lee Ritenour recognized the entire audience from last year's event. "There's that one gray-haired guy with the ponytail and the Rippingtons T-shirt," Ritenour said to himself while playing. "And the fat guy who sits on a stack of old issues of Down Beat, just nodding his head. And there's that frizzy-haired lady with the Playboy JazzFest blanket who comes with her son. My, he's grown." After a rousing ovation at the end of his set, Ritenour thanked the crowd and said, "See you all next year." 
Catholic Church Rules Perjury Not A Mortal Sin #~#  VATICAN CITY—The Vatican Synod of Bishops ruled Monday that perjury is not a mortal sin, downgrading the sin to venal."God and The Mother Church will be more than satisfied with a penance of 20 rosaries for any act of perjury," Cardinal Angelo Sodano said. "Any earthly prohibition against lying in a court of law has no relevance to the holy teachings of The Bible." The proclamation comes on the heels of last Friday's doctrinal clarification that adultery only occurs when both participants are adults.
Bar Owner Considering Sept. 11 Options #~#  BOWLING GREEN, KY—With the one-year anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks fast approaching, Tommy's Tavern owner Thomas Kuharski is trying to determine the appropriate way for his bar to mark the event. "I definitely want to have one minute of silence," Kuharski said. "But I'm not sure when, since the attacks took place around 9 a.m. and we don't open until noon. I'm also thinking of offering $1 rail drinks for police officers and firemen all day. Is that enough, though?" Kuharski said he may also order a cheese-and-cracker plate and flag napkins.
Keeping Kids Safe #~# The nation has been hit with a rash of child abductions. What are federal officials recommending to reduce the risk?
Martha's Mess #~# Implicated in the ImClone trading scandal, Martha Stewart is now accused of illegally dumping her own company's stock, as well. What do you think?
U.S. Fast-Food Chains Agree To Voluntary Cheese Limits #~# OAK PARK, IL—Fearful of the prospect of class-action lawsuits, seven of the nation's largest fast-food chains voluntarily agreed Monday to place cheese limits on their own sandwich items. 
I Gotta Get Back To My Roots #~# Hola amigos. How you doing? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been busy as a mofo.  
Who Will Bring Closure To A Grieving Nation? #~# NEW YORK—On Sept. 11, 2002, Americans will sort through emotions ranging from anger to grief, pain, and a profound sense of loss. But while the day will surely be difficult to endure, it remains unclear which television network will rise to the occasion, with its sensitive, cathartic anniversary coverage helping us decide what to feel while bringing a sense of closure to our national period of mourning. 
I Shall Scramble Two With Bacon When The Muse Moves Me #~# Waitress! Take this plate of corned-beef hash and waffles, and spirit it to its appointed table posthaste. Hash and waffles must be served hot, and I will not have my latest masterpiece of short-order cookery spoiled by your sluggishness. 
Area Man Hoping Cell Phone Breaks So He Can Get Better One #~# CHULA VISTA, CA—Dave Sychak, a San Diego-area project manager and self-described "gadget freak," has been increasingly careless with his 10-month-old cell phone in the hopes that he will have to replace it, sources reported Monday.
Daughter Thinks It's Time To Have Sex Talk With Parents #~# ST. LOUIS PARK, MN—After months of procrastination, Sara Lister, 13, decided Monday that it is "finally time" to sit her parents down so they can discuss sex with her.
Desperate U.S. Colleges Weigh Emergency Bob Marley Legend Ban #~# BOSTON—The American Council of College Administrators (ACCA) met Monday to discuss an emergency ban on the Bob Marley greatest-hits compilation Legend. "The situation grows more severe by the day," University of Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman told her fellow administrators. "At any given moment in Ann Arbor, it's impossible to walk down any street where there is undergraduate housing without hearing 'Get Up Stand Up' coming from five different porches." The ban would be the ACCA's first since a 1993 act restricting access to The Beastie Boys' Check Your Head.
KKK Member Struggles To Blame Blacks For His Hangover #~# SWAINSBORO, GA—Buford Anderson, a member of the Swainsboro chapter of the Ku Klux Klan, struggled to find a way to blame blacks for his wicked hangover Monday. "I believe the Nigra [sic] has conspired to hang me over with alcohol, even if I can't rightly prove it just at this moment," said Anderson, who had consumed a fifth of Jim Beam whiskey the previous night. "I done called the Jim Beam hotline to see if any of the board of directors is of the colored persuasion, but so far I'm inconclusive." Last December, Anderson blamed the "Jew-run media" for a paper cut sustained while reading TV Guide.
Dishwasher Thinks He's Mentoring Younger Dishwasher #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Gordon Polone, 49, a dishwasher at Smitty's Family Restaurant since 1991, has taken new hire Craig Garrick, 19, under his wing, patiently mentoring him in the ways of washing dishes. 
U.S. Students Lead World In Detention #~# UNITED NATIONS—With one in 25 students currently in detention, on suspension, or otherwise held after school on charges, the U.S. leads the world in disciplinary action against schoolchildren, the U.N. Human Rights Commission reported Monday. 
Plan 'L' Switched To #~# BEREA, KY—Plans A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and K having failed, David Zenger resorted to "Plan L" in his efforts to move an air conditioner from the garage to the house Tuesday. "Okay, here we go," Zenger said to himself. "If I wrap the air conditioner in bubble wrap and then balance it on a basketball, I can spin-roll it into the house." Previous failed attempts to move the air conditioner involved a pair of bungee cords, a bag of marbles, and a bottle of Crisco cooking oil. 
Visible Panty Line Discussed Like It's Cancer #~# ABILENE, TX—During a trip to the mall Monday, Melissa Gilham and Tiffany Cornell discussed a fellow mall patron's visible panty line as if it were cancer. "Oh my God, look at that," a deeply shaken Gilham told Cornell outside Suncoast Video, where the panty line was first sighted. "Somebody really needs to sit her down and have a talk about that. Doesn't she have any friends?" Added Cornell: "Maybe we could chip in and buy her a thong." The pair's horror deepened when they faintly made out the panties' flower print through the woman's white pants. 
Adam Sandler Fans Disappointed By Intelligent, Nuanced Performance #~# LOS ANGELES—Adam Sandler fans across the nation expressed deep disappointment in the new film Punch-Drunk Love, which features an intelligent, nuanced lead performance by the comedian. "He didn't even do his funny high-pitched 'retardo guy' voice," said college student Bradley Sanderson, 19, after seeing the critically lauded film Tuesday. "And what was with all that textured, multi-dimensional character-development shit?" Similarly let down was fan Bob Trotta: "I didn't pay $9 to see Adam Sandler wrestle with some psychological crisis. He could have at least put a trash-can lid on his head and gone, 'I'm Crazy Trash Head! Gimme some candy!' How hard would that have been?" 
Headache-Relief Tips #~# Millions of Americans regularly suffer from headaches. Here are some tips to help prevent them and ease the pain: 
I Gotta Drop A Few Pounds #~# Hola, amigos. It's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been workin' for a living, taking what they're giving, all that. Actually, to be honest, I ain't been working all that hard lately. As you well know, I left my bullshit coat-check job for greener pastures: sitting around on my ass and enjoying the finer things. 
Would You Like To Give A Dollar To Prove You Don't Hate Crippled Kids? #~# Good afternoon, sir. Do you have a minute to discuss something of vital importance? I'm canvassing this neighborhood collecting donations for the Tersbury Group. We're an organization dedicated to helping mentally and physically handicapped children here in the community lead better lives. If you don't mind my being blunt, sir, may I ask whether you hate crippled kids? Wonderful, I'm so glad I was right about you. Now, would you be willing to donate a dollar to our organization to prove that you don't? 
Man Feels 19 Again After Not Getting Laid #~# SANTA CRUZ, CA—Jason Pinter, a 33-year-old data-systems specialist who has not had sex in eight months, reported Tuesday that the celibacy streak has made him feel 19 again. 
North Korean Nukes #~# Last week, it was revealed that North Korea has secretly been pursuing a nuclear-weapons program. What do you think? 
Playboy's Overhaul #~# Losing readers to Maxim and other "lad" magazines, Playboy plans a major editorial overhaul.
Daytime-Talk-Show Mixup Leads To 1,000-Pound- Man Makeover #~# NEW YORK—In a mix-up Ricki Lake producers called "deeply regrettable," 1,000-pound Willard Hoskins, 37, was removed from his Paramus, NJ, home by forklift and transported to the posh Richard Stein Salon on Madison Avenue for a thorough beauty makeover Monday. "Let's see Willard's stunning new look!" Lake told the studio audience as Hoskins was wheeled out in a sequined black garment made from two king-size bed sheets to the accompaniment of throbbing disco music. "Wow, you look great!" The episode is believed to be daytime television's worst mix-up since Maury Povich sent a group of disfigured children to boot camp in 1999. 
Woman Mad Boyfriend Not Jealous She Danced With Other Guy #~# WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—Deborah Raskin, 20, became angry Saturday when boyfriend Kris Barros failed to become jealous over her dancing with another guy. "She was being all quiet and staring at the wall, and she wouldn't tell me what it was all about," Barros said shortly after leaving the party. "Finally, I realized, shit, I was supposed to get all mad and make some big scene because she danced with that one dude before." Barros promised Raskin that he would make more of an effort to be jealous in the future.
Nails, Hair Cared For Better Than Child #~# MOBILE, AL—In terms of time, money, and effort expended, local parent Kelly Sweedlin takes better care of her hair and nails than she does her 2-year-old daughter Porcia, the bank teller reported Tuesday. 
Man In Break Room Can Still Hear Time Clock Ticking Loudly #~# LA GRANDE, OR—Roundy's Food Store stocker Jim Creighton felt ominously watched over by an employee time clock Tuesday as, at exactly 12:13 a.m., it noisily "clunked" over to the second-to-last minute of Creighton's 15-minute break. "Well, two minutes to go," Creighton mumbled grimly to himself, attempting to savor the final precious scraps of leisure time doled out to him by his employer. "Maybe I should grab another Pepsi." Creighton then sighed and stared at the coffee machine for the next 111 seconds. 
Linebacker Faces Suspension For Genocide #~# MINNEAPOLIS—In the latest legal complication for an NFL player, Minnesota Vikings linebacker Antwone Evans may receive a fine and possibly even a suspension for his role in the mass slaughter of the Lithuanian people in a Sunday pogrom. "In cruelly rounding up and exterminating more than three million Lithuanian men, women, and children, Evans seriously violated the behavior standard to which we hold all our employees," said NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "We are currently deliberating on whether to suspend him pending the verdict of his U.N. tribunal." 
Civil War Historians Posit 'You Had To Be There' Theory #~# ATLANTA—After years of conflicting approaches to interpreting the Civil War, a coalition of historians on Tuesday posited the non-specific theory that "you had to be there" to fully understand the complexities of the war. "It's not just a matter of 'Were the Southern forces as confident and dedicated as their Northern counterparts?' or 'Was Gettysburg the turning point?'" said conference chairman Shelby Foote. "The whole gist of the war is just hard to really get unless, you know, you were there and saw it happen." The coalition also advanced a theory that the Great Migration, wherein one million African-Americans moved to northern cities between 1915 and 1920, was "a black thing." 
CEO Would Trade 5 Percent Of Stock Options For 10 Percent More Time With His Kids #~# HARTFORD, CT—Feeling sentimental Tuesday, Allied Plastics CEO Jonathan Mavre said he would gladly sacrifice a significant portion of his liquid assets for increased quality time with his children. "If I had the chance, I would give anything, even 5 percent of my ADM options, for an extra afternoon a week with Jacob and Lauren," Mavre said. "Of course, I'd be smarter to hedge by splitting the loss between ADM and Pepsico." 
Prison Warden Appears On Leno With Some Of His Favorite Prisoners #~# BURBANK, CA—San Quentin State Prison warden Ron Ditmeier wowed Monday's Tonight Show audience by displaying some of his favorite prisoners. "Rufus here is what we call a Throat-Slashing Double-Lifer," Ditmeier said while showing off an inmate to host Jay Leno. "These distinctive markings mean he's a hardcore in the Crips." The educational segment provoked peals of laughter when an Encino Wife-Beater urinated on Leno's shoulder and stabbed him in the eye with a pen. 
Ask A Third Party Candidate #~# I like my new job, and my coworkers are great, but I can't seem to convince them that the reason I don't eat their homemade baked goodies is because I'm trying to lose weight, not because of the taste. They still think I'm snubbing them. What should I do?
Obesity On The Rise #~# The National Center for Health Statistics recently announced that 64.5 percent of American adults are overweight or obese. What do you think? 
High-School Science Teacher Takes Fun And Excitement Out Of Science #~# VERONA, NJ—Verona High School ninth-grade science teacher Mark Randalls has a unique talent for taking the fun and magic out of science, students of his comprehensive survey class reported Tuesday. 
63 Percent Of U.S. Implicated In New Scandal #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The Securities and Exchange Commission announced Tuesday that more than 63 percent of all U.S. citizens have been implicated in an illegal stock-dumping, the latest scandal to rock the nation's economy. 
The Sniper Attacks #~# An elusive sniper continues to terrorize the Washington area. How are Americans responding to the threat of random shootings?
My Novel Addresses Universal Themes Of Humanity And Has Fucking #~# I have finally put the finishing touches on my novel, Westbound 90, and though it took forever, I am extremely pleased with the end result. It's a modern-day Candide, a coming-of-age tragicomedy in which the reader is taken on a great journey, both geographically and emotionally. I am confident it will be widely appreciated, as it addresses themes that speak to the human condition and, coincidentally, has loads of fucking. 
Sunken Oil Tanker Will Be Habitat For Marine Life, Shell Executives Say With Straight Face #~# HOUSTON, TX—The 1,080-foot, 300,000-ton oil tanker Shell Global Explorer, which sank off the coast of Newfoundland last month, will provide a welcome habitat for many diverse species of endangered marine life, Shell Oil Company executives announced with a straight face Tuesday.
Man Doesn't Realize Date Went Terribly #~# FORT WAYNE, IN—Dan Haft, 24, failed to realize that his date with Mindy Camden went terribly Saturday. "On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd have to give tonight a 9," Haft said following the date, which was characterized by awkward conversation and a distinct lack of chemistry. "It's a safe bet we'll be seeing each other again." Haft incorrectly added that he and Camden "were definitely vibing on each other." 
Logo In Corner Of TV Reminds Man He's Masturbating To Spice #~# FRANKLIN, VT—A logo in the lower-right-hand corner of his TV screen helped remind Peter Brighton that he was masturbating to the Spice channel Monday. "Ah, so it's Spice that's presenting this quality softcore pornography that I am enjoying so much," said Brighton during his autoerotic act. "I will be sure to keep Spice in mind when looking to stimulate myself to ejaculation in the future."
No One Has Heart To Ask Human Beat Box To Stop #~# VENTURA, CA—Friends of Ron Berg, the self-described "human beat box," don't have the heart to ask him to stop. "Any time we're out, it's only a matter of time before Ron starts up with 'poom poom-pkkhh, poom-papoom-pkkhh,'" friend Brian Craig said Tuesday. "But he's so proud of his 'special skill' that it'd devastate him if we told him he sucks and should stop." Craig, who has been sprayed with beat-box saliva "tons of times," said he makes sure never to sit across from Berg at a bar where the jukebox contains Run-DMC's Raising Hell.
Marketing Guru Also A Getting-Divorced Guru #~# NEW YORK—Marketing guru Bob Lippman, 43, is also a getting-divorced guru, colleagues noted Tuesday. "Bob has an incredible knack for identifying branding strategies to connect with a demographic," coworker Ann Lamp said. "He's almost as good at establishing a product's core consumer message as he is at ending loveless, doomed marriages." In the past 10 years, Lamp has won four Mobius Awards and been married three times.
You're Not One Of Those Couples Who Secretly Videotape Their Nanny, Are You? #~# Well, Mr. and Mrs. Hegan, you seem like a lovely young couple, and Courtney is an absolute doll. I'd be delighted to accept the job as your new nanny. And, yes, the salary you're offering will be fine, and I live just a mile away, so I can usually be available on short notice. I think this will be a fine arrangement for all involved. 
New Mistress Seems To Be Good For Area Man #~# KIRKWOOD, MO—Len Stavros, 46, is a whole new man since he began dating new mistress Amanda Broder, sources reported Tuesday. 
Bush On Economy: 'Saddam Must Be Overthrown' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Amid growing concerns about the faltering stock market and deepening recession, President Bush vowed to tackle the nation's economic woes head-on Tuesday, assuring the American people that he "will not rest" until Saddam Hussein is removed from power. 
The Dockworkers' Strike #~# Dockworkers in 29 West Coast ports returned to work last week under court order, tackling a 10-day backlog of cargo. What do you think?
Goodwill Toy Section Most Depressing Thing Ever #~# SPENCER, IA—The toy section of the Fleet Road Goodwill, with its heartbreaking assortment of soiled, broken, bargain-priced playthings, depressed an estimated 20 shoppers Tuesday. 
The Tycoon Of 1567 Blossom Meadows Drive #~# In the weeks since I lost my job at Fashion Bug, I've been collecting unemployment. Now, just in case you're thinking that idle hands are the devil's playground, rest assured, Jeanketeers, that I've been looking for a job. Cross my heart! Besides, my joblessness has nothing to do with laziness. See, according to the paper, the county we live in has experienced a .42 percent increase in unemployment this year. That might not seem like a lot, but the population is pretty small, and there are no major industries in our area besides the Hormel plant, and I can't work there because I think they kill things. 
2002 Nobel Prize Winners #~# The 2002 Nobel Prize winners were announced last week in Stockholm, Sweden.
Activity Made Up To Sell Athletic Shoes #~# BEAVERTON, OR—In its latest niche-marketing coup, the Nike Corporation on Monday unveiled the Nike Bog-Ramper, a light, durable sneaker designed for the newly fabricated sport of bog-ramping. "Nike is the first footwear company to introduce a shoe specially engineered to meet the exacting demands of the competitive bog-ramper," said Nike CEO Phil Knight, introducing the $130 shoe at the company's headquarters. "Whatever bog-ramping is, and wherever and by whom it is done, don't even think about trying it without your Nikes." Knight added that the shoes are also suitable for street wear.
FAA Considering Passenger Ban #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to address “the number-one threat to airline security,” the Federal Aviation Administration announced Monday that it will consider banning passengers on all domestic and international commercial flights.
Georgia School Board Bans 'Theory Of Math' #~# COGDELL, GA—The Cogdell School Board banned the teaching of the controversial "Theory Of Math" in its schools Monday. "We are simply not confident of this mysterious process by which numbers turn, as if by magic, into other numbers," board member Gus Reese said. "Those mathematicians are free to believe 3 times 4 equals 12, but that dun [sic] give them the right to force it on our children." Under the new ruling, all math textbooks will carry a disclaimer noting that math is only one of many valid theories of number-manipulation.
Captain's Hat Really Completes Street Lunatic's Ensemble #~# CHICAGO—A tattered U.S. Navy Captain's hat taken from a Salvation Army Dumpster adds the perfect finishing touch to street lunatic Corner Carl's outfit, fashion critics raved Monday. "The sailor's hat playfully juxtaposes his filthy Chicago Bears sweatshirt and backwards pajama bottoms," People style correspondent Steven Cojocaru said. "And when he screams at fire hydrants, it's now like he's scolding his imagined Navy underlings." GQ fashion writer Rob Vance said the nautical-themed hat makes Corner Carl resemble "a psychotic, profanity-spewing Alan Hale Jr."
Affable Anti-Semite Thinks The Jews Are Doing Super Job With The Media #~# PLANO, TX—Henry McCullers, an affable Plano-area anti-Semite, praised the Jewish people Monday for doing "a bang-up job" running the media. "This has been such a great year for movies, and the new crop of fall TV shows looks to be one of the best in years," McCullers said. "And the cable news channels are doing a terrific job, too. Admittedly, they're not reporting on the Jewish stranglehold on world finance, but, hey, that's understandable."
Newly Out Gay Man Overdoing It #~# PENSACOLA, FL—Calling his flamboyant air and effeminate mannerisms "a bit forced," friends of recently out-of-the-closet homosexual Mark Glynn, 23, say he's overdoing it. 
You Know, There Are Some Excellent Red Wines Coming Out Of Argentina vs. I Hate You, I Hate You, I Hate You #~# So, what do you think of the wine? To be honest, I thought it was a little meek. Passable, but meek. Did you happen to catch what kind it was? Obviously, it's a cabernet, but I can't quite put my finger on the vineyard. Wherever it's from, it's certainly not the best I've had. 
Snoop Dogg Goes Clean #~# After years of heavy smoking, rapper Snoop Dogg recently announced that he is giving up marijuana. What has the rapper been up to since quitting?
The Preemptive-Strike Debate #~# President Bush's standoff with Iraq has prompted debate over whether preemptive strikes are a justifiable U.S. military option. What do you think?
Gambling-Addiction Study Gets Out Of Hand #~# LAS VEGAS, NV—A gambling-addiction study by researchers at UNLV's Gaming Studies Research Center has "gotten way out of hand," sources close to the project reported Monday. 
American People Shrug, Line Up For Fingerprinting #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Assuming that there must be a good reason for the order, U.S. citizens lined up at elementary schools and community centers across the nation Monday for government-mandated fingerprinting. "I'm not exactly sure what this is all about," said Ft. Smith, AR, resident Meredith Lovell while waiting in line. "But given all the crazy stuff that's going on these days, I'm sure the government has a very good reason." Said Amos Hawkins, a Rockford, IL, delivery driver: "I guess this is another thing they have to do to ensure our freedom."
Man Looks Forward To Coffee Date With Ex-Girlfriend All Week #~# PORTLAND, ME—Derek Friese, 30, has been looking forward to a Friday coffee date with ex-girlfriend Kelly Lessing all week, sources reported Monday. 
Starving Third World Masses Warned Against Evils Of Contraception #~# SÃO PAULO, BRAZIL—During a visit to the teeming slums of São Paulo Monday, Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua warned the city's starving masses against the evils of contraception, urging them to "be fruitful and multiply" and do "everything in [their] power" to resist the mortal sin of birth control. 
Take Advantage Of Our Two-For-One Scott Tissue Special, For One Day We Will Die #~# Attention, Food King shoppers: Now in Aisle Four, take advantage of our two-for-one special on all Scott Tissue and Scott Towel products. Purchase up to 10 rolls of each. It's just one way you can save big as a valued Food King shopper. And do it soon, for one day, all will be dark. Then, there will be no savings, no bargains, only the cold, eternal embrace of Death. 
New-Versus-Old Electric-Slide Confusion Blamed In Wedding-Reception Pileup #~# MALDEN, MA—Twelve wedding guests were critically injured Saturday night in a dance-floor pileup blamed on new-versus-old Electric Slide confusion. "The DJ called for the Electric Slide without specifying which, and when the 'old' Sliders slid to the right, they collided violently with the stationary, hip-shaking 'new' Sliders," paramedic Laura Denison said. "By the fifth bar, the dance floor was a gruesome tangle of bodies." In the wake of the tragedy, the American Association of Disc Jockeys released a statement urging all DJs to specify which Electric Slide they are calling for at any future weddings, retirement parties, and bar mitzvahs.
Defense Department Typo Results In U.S. Attack On Ira #~# ARLINGTON, VA—The U.S. Defense Department apologized to Skokie, IL, dentist Ira Nussbaum Tuesday following a bombing campaign aimed at removing the 37-year-old from power. "Apparently, the intelligence source who drafted the attack plan against Iraq failed to strike the 'Q' key hard enough," Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said. "The 'Q' was always a little stubborn on that keyboard. Sorry." This marks the first military action taken against Nussbaum since a malfunctioning shift key prompted Ulster Unionists to detonate his Ford Taurus in 1998.
Cage Match Settles Nothing #~#  PONTIAC, MI—The long-awaited steel-cage match between World Championship Wrestling rivals Violator and Psycho Sid, widely expected to settle a bitter dispute between the two, settled nothing Monday. "After all the accusations and insults exchanged between these men, I really had high hopes that this cage match would, at long last, provide some resolution and maybe even a sense of closure," WCW fan Jordan Bumpers said. "Yet, strangely, I feel like they're no closer to understanding each other's point of view than before they entered the cage." Psycho Sid, who lost the match by disqualification, continues to insist that he is the superior wrestler, a claim with which Violator vehemently disagreed.
Purchase Justified By Theoretical $50 Rebate #~#  LAKESIDE, VA—The theoretical possibility of receiving a $50 mail-in rebate motivated shopper Jim Crewes, 28, to purchase a color printer Monday. "I really can't afford to be buying a computer right now," Crewes said. "But if I buy the printer and two toner refills, and save the receipt and UPC symbols from all the boxes and buy two more Pitney Bowes products and save those receipts and symbols, and then send it all in with the original rebate coupon, and the offer's still good by then, I'm looking at 50 smackers." Crewes was also swayed by the printer's extended-warranty option, which provides free service and repairs if the printer broke and he actually shipped it back to its manufacturer, which he never would.
Tokyo Squeezes In Five More Residents #~#  TOKYO—Tokyo somehow managed to squeeze in five more residents Monday, when the Takashi family moved into a converted studio apartment. "This was a one-bedroom apartment housing a family of six, but a wall was cleverly constructed to create a small studio," city planning minister Hideki Kumagai said. "This was good: We rarely can fit new citizenry into our city without drilling into the bedrock." The Takashi family, brought in from Osaka's overflow, will pay the equivalent of $12,600 monthly for 144 square feet of living space.
Band Loudly Discusses Record Deal At IHOP #~#  AKRON, OH—The five members of Ratchet Chunk, close to finalizing a deal with Columbus-based Ripchord Records, loudly discussed the deal at the Polk Road IHOP Monday. "We've got to insist on 60 percent of the gross," said bassist Gavin Lee, speaking loudly enough for the high-school girls three booths over to hear. "If they try to go 50-50, I say we take our demo to Dimebag [Records]." Lead singer Kris Maldonado added that he should receive co-producer credit for the album, as the demo was burned on his iMac.
Large Dependent Film Tops Weekend Box Office #~# HOLLYWOOD—In what is being hailed as a triumph for dependent cinema, Sony Pictures' A Perfect Alibi, a $90 million Mel Gibson-Cameron Diaz thriller, topped the weekend box office with an impressive $39 million take. "This just shows what can be accomplished when you've got a major studio's backing and distribution," executive producer Don Murray said Monday. "Contrary to what some in the movie business would have you believe, there is a place for big, non-character-driven pictures." Murray said he hopes the film's success serves as an inspiration to established, bankable actors and directors.
Bush Seeks U.N. Support For 'U.S. Does Whatever It Wants' Plan #~# UNITED NATIONS—In an address before the U.N. General Assembly Monday, President Bush called upon the international community to support his "U.S. Does Whatever It Wants" plan, which would permit the U.S. to take any action it wishes anywhere in the world at any time. 
Conan 'Conanquers' The Emmys! #~# Item! It's a week later, and everybody's still buzzing about the star-packed Emmys. "According To" Jim Belushi was there, as was TV's reigning golden couple Jane Kaczyzmarezk and the guy from The West Wing. And who ever expected to see Kelsey Grammar at an Emmy ceremony? But the real star of the evening was the host himself, Mr. Conan O'Brian, who "conanquered" any doubts about whether he has what it takes to shine in prime time. "Conangratulations," Conan! 
The NYC Smoking Ban #~# New York is one of a number of U.S. cities considering a ban on smoking in restaurants and bars. What do you think?
Stephen King Calls It Quits #~# Author Stephen King recently announced he will quit writing after publishing five more books. How does the King Of Horror plan to spend his retirement?
Huge Democracy Geek Even Votes In Primaries #~# NASHUA, NH—Politically engaged citizen David Haas, 25, described by friends and acquaintances as a "big democracy geek," even votes in primaries. 
I Am The 'Top Gun' Of Commercial Airline Pilots #~# I've been piloting DCs and 7s for American Airlines going on 15 years now, and I don't mind telling you, I'm the best there is. The Navy's flight school can only have one "Top Gun," and the same is true in commercial aviation. There are many great pilots at American and the other airlines, but none have the speed, wits, and solid-brass balls that I do. That's right, Capt. Ron "Mongoose" Haller is the Top Gun of airline pilots. 
RIAA Sues Radio Stations For Giving Away Free Music #~# LOS ANGELES—The Recording Industry Association of America filed a $7.1 billion lawsuit against the nation's radio stations Monday, accusing them of freely distributing copyrighted music.
Temp Hides Fun, Fulfilling Life From Rest Of Office #~# BOSTON—Ty Braxton, 23, continues to hide his fun and fulfilling life from the full-time employees of Hale & Dorr, the Boston law firm for which he has temped since July.
When I'm Feeling Blue, I Can Always Go To My Undisclosed Location #~# Life can be pretty overwhelming sometimes. The daily stresses of family, friends, and being vice-president of the world's most powerful nation can get your head all twisted up. At those moments, you need a special little place that's all yours, a place where you're safe from the rest of the world. Whether it's a treehouse, a backyard tent, or an underground concrete bunker, everybody needs a place to hide away. When I'm feeling blue, I like to run off to my undisclosed location for some quality Cheney time. 
Modern-Day Proust E-Mails Friend Six Times A Day #~# RUTLAND, VT—Much like the prolific 19th-century French novelist Marcel Proust, local claims adjustor Eric Dressler generates prodigious volumes of prose, chronicling the most minute details of his life and experiences in a seemingly endless stream of e-mails, friend Kevin Honig reported Monday. 
Bodybuilding Tips #~# More and more Americans are pumping iron. 
Spy World-Famous #~# MONTE CARLO—Despite having a job that demands total anonymity, Colin Richards, Great Britain's number-one field operative, has somehow built a reputation as a playboy and bon vivant of world renown. "All I can say is, he must be really incredible at sneaking into places, considering everyone knows what he looks like," Monte Carlo casino owner Nigel St. Clary said. "Can you imagine how great a spy he'd be if he were unknown?" 
85 Percent Of U.S. Cole Slaw Remains Uneaten #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the Department of Sides and Garnishes, 85 percent of U.S. cole slaw is never consumed. "Extensive surveying of restaurant bus tubs and waste bins indicates that for every 120 tons of slaw produced, only 18 tons end up being eaten," the study reported. The study focused exclusively on U.S. restaurants, as there is no evidence that anyone has ever made cole slaw for home consumption. 
Infant Doing Everything In Her Power To Save Relationship #~# BOSTON—Eight-month-old Courtney Brindle is trying her best to save her parents' crumbling marriage, the infant reported Monday. "I put in a good hour today grabbing Daddy's finger, which I think made him feel closer to me and, by extension, to Mommy," Brindle said. "But my real dilemma is, is it better to provide lots of cute moments to fill the house with a feeling of warmth and love, or should I suffer constant health problems to unite them in fear? I can't do both." 
Teacher Bitches About Paycheck To Sixth-Grade Class #~# BOZEMAN, MT—Lakecrest Elementary School teacher Dana Frankel bitched to her sixth-graders about her "crap salary" shortly after receiving a paycheck Monday. "How am I supposed to pay for anything on this kind of income?" asked Frankel midway through a math lesson. "And now the brake pads on my Nissan need replacing. Gee, guess I'll just have to hope for the best next time I hit a red light." Frankel then got the disrupted lesson back on track by using her dwindling 401K plan as an example of negative numbers. 
Jesus Surprises 700 Club With Walk-On Appearance #~# VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Monday's episode of the popular Christian-affairs program The 700 Club featured a surprise walk-on by Jesus Christ, who dropped by the set and chatted briefly with host Pat Robertson. "Pat, I can't stay long, but I just wanted to swing by and say hello to you and the whole 700 Club gang," Christ told Robertson. "I love the show—it's just terrific in My sight. And, hey, how about this audience?" The 130 Christ fans in attendance then gave enthusiastic applause unto Him. 
U.S. Consumer Confidence Down, Says Guy Trying To Sell Van #~# BROCKWAY, PA—In more bad news for the U.S. economy, consumer confidence is down sharply this week, particularly among those in the market for a used 1994 Chevy Astro, van owner Dennis Schram reported Tuesday. 
The Bin Laden Audiotape #~# Last week, al-Jazeera aired an audiotape purportedly of Osama bin Laden praising the Sept. 11 attacks. What do you think about the possibility that bin Laden is alive?
Rehab Clinics Are So Much Cooler In Europe #~# I'm always hearing people go on and on about how American rehab clinics are the best in the world. You gotta be kidding me! Sure, the U.S. has a few decent clinics, but after being in and out of rehab for three years on the other side of the pond, I think I'm qualified to say that rehab clinics are way cooler in Europe. 
New York City's Olympic Bid #~# New York is inthe running to host the 2012 Summer Games.
FBI: Muslim Groups In U.S. May Be Developing Nuclear Families #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to an FBI report released Monday, "reliable and substantive evidence" exists indicating that Muslims residing in the U.S. are involved in a widespread plot to develop nuclear families. 
Mother Jealous After Reading Daughter's Diary #~# IRVINE, CA—Roberta Dunn, 40, experienced feelings of intense jealousy Monday after reading the diary of her 14-year-old daughter Hannah.
Drummer's Girlfriend Thinks He Should Sing #~# CHAPEL HILL, NC—Angie Carlson, 22, girlfriend of AstroPuffs drummer Steve Molzen, encouraged him to sing on some of the band's songs Monday. "You have such an amazing voice—just because you're the drummer doesn't mean you can't sing, too," Carlson told Molzen after a gig. "Just look at Dave Grohl." Carlson went on to ask Molzen if there has ever been a band where the drum kit was positioned at the front of the stage.
Senator Mix-A-Lot Sponsors Titties-On-Glass Legislation #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to stem a four-year decline in freaky Yolandas throwing they titties on U.S. glass, U.S. Sen. Mix-A-Lot (B-WA) introduced sweeping new putting-'em-on-glass legislation Tuesday. "Now listen up, Uncle Sam / I wanna see soul sistas pressin' that ham / Make me say damn / I wanna rear-end 'em / So I'm callin' a Senate referendum / Bounce by the ounce don't make no fun / I'll take 'em by the ton, son," Mix-A-Lot said. "Don't hand this bill down to no committees / 'Cause Mix don't wait on monster titties / Note to my colleague Tom Daschle / That if the babies be gettin' bashful / No melons droppin' on my windshield / So get them nudie laws repealed." Mix-A-Lot then gave props to the authors of H.R. 1610, from which several key clauses were sampled.
Teen Newsweek Reports North Korea Is The Bomb #~# Teen Newsweek Reports North Korea Is The Bomb NEW YORK—According to the new issue of Teen Newsweek, a fledgling Newsweek spin-off aimed at younger readers, North Korea is the bomb. "An in-depth investigation of Pyongyang's shopping and recreational options has provided incontrovertible evidence that North Korea is, like, totally the bomb, from its delicious food to its way-inexpensive electronics," Teen Newsweek reported. It remains unknown how the nation came to possess bomb-being technology.
Upper-Middle-Class Woman Worries There's Better Coffee She Doesn't Know About #~# DEERFIELD, IL—Upper-middle-class homemaker Irene Risser expressed fear Monday that there exists a gourmet coffee superior to the brands she currently buys. "I have Kona Coffee's peaberry flavor, which is really terrific, and I also like to buy Sumatran Rainforest," Risser said. "But I still worry that somewhere out there, someone has better, more expensive coffee than I do." Risser then went on the Internet to search for $25-a-pound breakfast blends.
Christian Slater Dropped From List Of Names To Drop #~# Christian Slater Dropped From List Of Names To Drop HOLLYWOOD, CA—Citing a rapidly lowering profile, the National Name Drop Index announced the removal of actor Christian Slater from the list of celebrity names to casually reference Tuesday. "Taking into account his lack of major roles since 1998's Very Bad Things and the flaccid box office of last year's Windtalkers, we have no choice but to classify Slater's name as undroppable until further notice," NNDI director Don Hall said. "Until Slater gains at least a supporting role in a hit feature or a lead role in a TV series, he is relegated to Dean Cain Memorial Limbo."
History Channel Admits To Profiting From Nazi Documentaries #~# NEW YORK—The History Channel confessed Monday that it used Nazi footage to fatten its coffers. "The time has come to bring our network's shameful legacy to light," History Channel president Warren Brabender said. "Over the past 10 years, more than $300 million in ad revenue has been generated through the airing of Nazi documentaries." The channel will likely be required to pay reparations to Americans who viewed the atrocities.
Area Man Buying Not So Much A Soft Drink As An Image #~# SOUTHFIELD, MI—In a move Coca-Cola marketing executives called "a clear sign of our branding success," highway worker Chuck Burdon, 37, purchased a two-liter Diet Coke during his lunch break Tuesday, buying not so much a soft drink as an image. 
Republicans Take The Senate #~# In last Tuesday's midterm elections, Republicans retook the U.S. Senate, giving them control of both houses of Congress. What do you think?
Winona Ryder's Probation #~# Last week, Winona Ryder was convicted of shoplifting $5,500 worth of merchandise from a Beverly Hills Saks Fifth Avenue. What are the terms of her probation?
Sarah Jessica Gives 'Birth In The City'! #~# Item! Call it Birth In The City! Or Sex In The Nursery! But whichever word you choose to alter in the title of the show, Sarah Jessica Parker and hubby Matthew "Wargames" Broderick had themselves a baby! According to my sources, the blessed newborn is named Bueller Bradshaw Bloom Broderick. Whew, there's a mouthful! Congratulations to the happy couple, and let's hope the little guy has the acting gene that makes his parents so entertaining to watch. One thing's for sure, though: We'll all be closely watching what Mom dresses the little fella in. 
'Beltway Sniper' Video-Game Release Delayed Out Of Respect For Victims #~# REDWOOD CITY, CA—Video-game developer Pixxel Arts announced Monday that it will delay the release of Beltway Sniper: Silent Strike out of respect for the victims of the recent D.C.-area shootings. 
Marxists' Apartment A Microcosm Of Why Marxism Doesn't Work #~# AMHERST, MA—The filthy, disorganized apartment shared by three members of the Amherst College Marxist Society is a microcosm of why the social and economic utopia described in the writings of Karl Marx will never come to fruition, sources reported Monday.
Supreme Court Makes Pact To Lose Virginity By End Of Year #~# WASHINGTON, DC—By an 8-1 vote Monday, the members of the U.S. Supreme Court collectively resolved to lose their virginity by Dec. 31, 2002.
India's Top Physicists Develop Plan To Get The Hell Out Of India #~# NEW DELHI, INDIA—Months of research and development by a team of India's top physicists have resulted in an ambitious plan to get them the hell out of the overcrowded, impoverished nuclear powderkeg, sources revealed Monday. 
Frat-Guy Boyfriend Not Like The Other Frat Guys #~# LAWRENCE, KS—According to University of Kansas sophomore Christine Errico, boyfriend and Sigma Epsilon member Troy Ausmus is "totally different" from the typical fraternity member. 
Former Couple To Remain Friends Until One Finds New Sex Partner #~# MCMINNVILLE, OR—Bryce Tornquist and Stephanie Herrick, whose three-year relationship ended in August, are remaining close friends until one of them finds a new sex partner. "We still have a lot in common, and it's really nice to have someone around who knows you so well," the 26-year-old Tornquist said Tuesday. "So, until one of us is having sex with somebody else, it really works out for both of us." Tornquist added that he really, really hopes to be the one to find a new sex partner first. 
Tract Writer Cites God, Jack Chick As Influences #~# STILLWATER, OK—Robert Welton, founder and sole employee of Inspired Word Christian Tracts, cites God and Jack Chick as the two biggest influences on his work. "God is the one I owe the most to. Everything I write draws on something of His," Welton, 44, told reporters Tuesday. "But Jack Chick, he showed the tract-writing world how to do it. Everything from This Was Your Life to Sin Busters to the ongoing Bible Tract series are pretty much the gold standard." Welton added that Mohammed and Buddha are in their graves, but Christ's grave is empty.
Teen Anxious For Cigarette Addiction To Kick In #~# EVANSVILLE, IN—Ashleigh Davis, 14, who started smoking three weeks ago, "can't wait" for her cigarette addiction to kick in. "Right now, I'm smoking, like, four or five cigarettes a day, but I definitely don't feel like I'm hooked yet," Davis said Tuesday. "That's gonna be so cool when the nicotine kicks in, and I have to, like, sneak out of restaurants and stuff for a fix." 
Director's Commentary For One Night At McCool's Trails Off After 20 Minutes #~# LOS ANGELES—Director Harald Zwart's commentary track on the recently released One Night At McCool's DVD trails off after 20 minutes, sources reported Tuesday. "This scene, I remember… we set things up to… look right and all, but I, well… you know…" Zwart said some 18 minutes into the track. "This, uh…" The remainder of the commentary features long stretches of silence occasionally broken by coughing or throat-clearing. 
I'll Try Anything With A Detached Air Of Superiority #~# I'm a pretty sophisticated, well-educated person. I went to Wesleyan, where I got my B.A. in comparative literature. I listen to This American Life on NPR. I've traveled abroad fairly extensively and even spent a year living in London. Given all this, you'd think I might be a little staid and stodgy, that I'd shun certain activities because I'm too good for that sort of thing. That is completely untrue. The reality is, I'll try anything with a detached air of superiority. 
Just Wait 'Til I Get These Fucking Rubber Bands Off #~# Oh, man. You just caught yourself a whole mess of trouble, pal. Believe it. I don't think you realize who you're dealing with here. You might have me in the tank for now, but just wait 'til I get these fucking rubber bands off. 
Second-Grade Teacher Overhyping Third Grade #~# BERWICK, PA—April Niles, a second-grade teacher at Benjamin Franklin Elementary School, is constantly overhyping the third grade, warning her students that "expectations will be very different next year." 
The Russian Theater Raid #~# During a hostage rescue, Russian authorities pumped gas into a Moscow theater, killing 116 of the 800-plus captives. What do you think of the controversial move? 
The Lynyrd Skynrd Crash #~# October marked the 25th anniversary of the 1977 plane crash that claimed the lives of three Lynyrd Skynyrd members. How are fans marking the occasion?
Republicans Mount Campaign To Rename Alzheimer's 'Reagan's Disease' #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to honor the former president and longtime Alzheimer's sufferer, congressional Republicans have mounted a campaign to rename Alzheimer's "Reagan's Disease." 
Hippie Very Involved In Hippie Non-Sports #~# AUSTIN, TX—According to acquaintances of the 22-year-old hippie, Chad Beresford is a frequent participant in hacky sack, frisbee, and other hippie non-sports. "Chad's way into all that stuff: juggling, devil sticks, and yo-yo tricks," friend Aimee Kolkos said Tuesday. "From stilt-walking to unicycling, there isn't a non-competitive, stoner-friendly quasi-non-sport he hasn't tried."
Vacationer Checks Weather Report For Hometown #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Vacationing with her husband Tuesday, Judy Keck, 34, scanned The San Francisco Examiner over breakfast, looking for news about the weather in her hometown of Norfolk, VA, some 2,700 miles away. "Looks like it's starting to get nippy there," Keck said of the coastal Virginia city she will not return to for 10 days. "Bummer about the drizzling." Upon returning to her hotel room, Keck turned on The Weather Channel to check Norfolk's extended five-day forecast.
Fact Repeated As Urban Legend #~# BREWSTER, WA—An actual occurrence passed into the realm of modern folklore Tuesday, when actor Robert Reed's 1992 AIDS-related death was repeated as urban legend. "Dude, this guy I know told me that the guy who played the dad on The Brady Bunch died of AIDS," said Jeff Gund, 16. "Can you believe he believed that?" Gund went on to tell the equally implausible tale of a woman who cut off her husband's penis and threw it in a field, only to see the man surgically reattach it and become a porn star. 
How Was Local Man To Know Carol Channing's Niece Was Around? #~# SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Well, Jesus, is area resident Richard Pauling, 43, never supposed to crack jokes about anyone at a party because, by some freakish coincidence, their niece might actually wind up being in earshot and get pissed off? "All I did was make a humorous remark about actress Carol Channing's advanced age that involved speculation regarding the dryness of her nether regions, and suddenly I'm Hitler," Pauling said. "Shit." 
FBI: Six Dead Not Really 'Mass' Murder #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Addressing reporters about the ritual slaying of six cheerleaders at a Frankfort, KY, high school, FBI director Robert Mueller clarified that the body count does not seem high enough to qualify as "mass" murder. "I don't know if there's an official minimum, but I always imagined 'mass' was more like 15 or 20," Mueller said. "Charles Whitman, now there was a mass murderer." Mueller added that in spite of their modest scale, the killings "were still pretty bad." 
Man Always Insists You Toss Him Keys Rather Than Just Hand Them To Him #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Area resident Russ Squirek insists on having his keys tossed to him rather than handed, sources reported Monday. "It's always, 'Yo, here we go, long bomb, send 'em over, going deep,'" friend Craig Green said. "I think he thinks it's cool." Green said Squirek also insists on hopping into convertibles whenever possible rather than using the door. 
Barnes & Noble Staffers Mock Orson Scott Card Crowd From Back Of Room #~# RALEIGH, NC—Employees of the Crabtree Mall Barnes & Noble used a Tuesday book-signing by science-fiction author Orson Scott Card as an opportunity to mock those in attendance. "'Excuse me, Mr. Card,'" cashier Randy Feig said to coworker Ian Rose in a derisive, pinched "nerd" voice. "'In Shadow Of The Hegemon, why was Ender Wiggin so reluctant to return to Earth after the Formic War?'" Feig then urged Rose to "check out the huge dude in the cloak" in the second row. 
Woman Who Visited Kenya Once Struts Confidently Into African Store #~# SKOKIE, IL—Amanda Wyner, 23, who in 1998 spent a week vacationing at a Kenya resort during college spring break, strode confidently Monday into Harambe, a Woodfield Mall store specializing in African art and collectibles. "This is a tribal mask," Wyner stated authoritatively to her sister while holding an Ashanti war mask. "The Africans wear these during actual ceremonies."
Frequent Flyer Knows Out-Of-The-Way Airport Bar That's Never Crowded #~# ATLANTA—Savvy, experienced business traveler Donald Meyers, 46, knows a great out-of-the-way bar at O’Hare Airport’s “B” terminal that’s never crowded, the frequent flyer said Monday during a layover in Atlanta.
Iraq And The Nuclear Option #~# Last week, President Bush said he would not rule out using nuclear weapons against enemies wielding weapons of mass destruction. What do you think?
Coworker Suicide Fails To Shatter Office #~# WORCESTER, MA—Last weekend's suicide of Sentinel Management Solutions employee Tom Blundell has failed to shatter the management-consulting firm's office, sources reported Tuesday. 
Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers #~# The much-anticipated second installment of the Lord Of The Rings series opens Wednesday. Why is there so much excitement?
What This Town Needs Is A Really Shitty Community Newspaper #~# Here in Park Hills, we get The Duluth News-Tribune, just like people do all over the greater Duluth area. But while that major daily does a perfectly adequate job keeping the people of Park Hills in touch with the goings-on of the city at large, it doesn't speak directly to our own local community. It doesn't take into account the uniqueness of Park Hills, focusing on the people, places, and things that make our neighborhood so special. Yes, it's clear as day to me: What Park Hills needs is a really shitty community newspaper.
Secret Santas Are For Shit #~# Hola, amigos. What's going on? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been carrying a heavy load lately. The winter's really depressing the shit out of me. Between the cold and the 14 hours of darkness, I never want to leave the house. All my pals are in the same boat, so they don't come over and hang out like they usually do. Good thing I got my GameCube. That's all the friends I need. 
Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5 #~# SOUTHFIELD, MI—Bored with scaring elderly misers, the Ghost of Christmas Future is spending the holiday season taunting modern children with visions of Christmas 2016's hottest toy: the Sony PlayStation 5, a 2,048-bit console featuring a 45-Ghz trinary processor, CineReal graphics booster with 2-gig biotexturing, and an RSP connector for 360-degree online-immersion play.
Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Flanked by key members of Congress and his administration, President Bush approved Monday a streamlined version of the Bill of Rights that pares its 10 original amendments down to a "tight, no-nonsense" six.
Area Man Lives To Correct Pronunciation #~# LAWRENCE, KS—According to irritated friends and acquaintances, Jim Marder, 43, lives to correct pronunciation. "Actually, the word is 'Ant-arc-tic," Marder told coworker Amy Dennon during a conversation about polar-ice-cap melting Monday. "Don't feel bad: Pronouncing it 'Antartic' is a fairly common mistake." Said Dennon: "He's always doing that: 'Actually, the word is 'affida-vit.' 'Actually, the word is 'pre-rogative.' 'Actually, the word is 'sher-bet.' Every time, he plays it all casual, but you can tell he's loving it. Dick."
Country Music Protested In Restaurant's Kitchen #~# KALAMAZOO. MI—A coalition of dishwashers at the Pfaff Avenue Country Kitchen filed an official protest Tuesday against the grill crew's playing of 93.7 Hot Country on the kitchen radio. "Duuude," dishwasher spokesman Dave Stamm said, "enough country, already." The group is calling for the radio to be switched to WKLQ 94.5, Home of the Real Rock, for the love of Christ. 
Defiant Customers Refuse To Return Recalled Crib #~# RESTON, VA—More than 4,000 purchasers of the Babco KidSleeper crib, recalled last week amid safety concerns, are defiantly refusing to return the crib for a replacement or refund. "No way in hell am I assembling another crib," said parent Carl Bleier, 33, of Reston, VA. "If they want the thing back, too bad—it's their own damn fault for not making it right the first time." Bleier said he hopes his 14-month-old daughter Alexa gets her head stuck between the bars so he can sue their asses. 
Miss Nude America Loses Title After Appearing Clothed In Woman's Day #~# OCALA, FL—Tawny Bridges, Miss Nude America 2003, was forced to relinquish her crown amid scandal Monday, when it was discovered that she had appeared clothed in a 1999 issue of Woman's Day magazine. "Miss Bridges has conducted herself in a wholesome manner entirely unbecoming of this title," pageant chairman Peter Taub said. "We are a non-profit pageant that provides scholarships to promising young nude women and cannot condone her decision to pose clad."
Conjoined Twin Hogging Kidney #~# SPRINGFIELD, MO—Bruce Andrusko, 27, complained loudly Monday about his conjoined twin Bryce's habit of hogging the brothers' middle kidney. "He drinks tons of beer, and that only leaves me the one kidney for everything I drink," said Bruce, who has been fused with Bryce at the torso since birth. "I'm sick of it." Bryce responded that Bruce "never seems to complain" when the beer is introduced to their shared bloodstream. 
Zagat Editor A 'Nice Guy' But 'Kind Of Boring' #~# NEW YORK—Chris Dantley, editor of the Zagat restaurant guide for New York, received mixed reviews Monday from women who have dated him. "'Well-heeled' 'outgoing' man offers pleasant-enough company but 'loves to talk about self' and 'blows half his jokes,'" reviewers said of the 35-year-old Dantley, located on East 81st Street near Third Avenue. "'Free smiles' and 'snappy dress' don't go far enough to offset 'strained compliments' and 'inappropriate come-hither looks.'" Dantley's midsection was also panned as "overly doughy." 
Oh My God, I Am So Totally Not A Fully Developed Person #~# Oh my God. You know what? I totally have to say something. Seriously, guys, you have to listen—this is way important. Kim? Erica? Amy? Are you listening? Okay, here it is: I am so not a fully developed person. 
Nation Afraid To Admit 9-Year-Old Disabled Poet Really Bad #~# LYNDONVILLE, VT—Afflicted from birth with a rare degenerative disease, wheelchair-bound Luke Petrowski has confronted his illness by penning heartfelt verse that touches on elements vital to our lives: love, spirituality, courage, grace, and hope. 
Strom Turns 100 #~# On Dec. 5, U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) turned 100. How did he celebrate the milestone?
I Didn't Mean To Lead You On By Fucking You #~# Hey, Lisa. Yes, I did get your phone messages, and I am so sorry I didn't get back to you right away. I'm glad you agreed to meet me for coffee, though, because we need to talk. See, I was sort of confused by some of the things you said on my voicemail: "Hey, that Kurosawa festival at the Orpheum was extended another week if you want to go." "There's a new Cuban place on Eustace Street. I'm free Thursday evening if you're interested." "Hi, Len, it's Lisa. Call me."
God Late For Local Wedding #~# CARTHAGE, MO—An embarrassed God admitted Monday that He was late for the Saturday wedding of Patrick Moore and Dina Roble, arriving halfway through the ceremony but catching "most of the important stuff."
Chapter 11 For Boston Archdiocese? #~# Already reeling from sex-abuse charges, the Boston Archdiocese is now considering filing for bankruptcy. What do you think? 
Area Mom Could Have Made Same Meal At Home For Much Cheaper #~# NAPERVILLE, IL—During an outing to Chisholm's Family Restaurant Monday, Sandy Wiersma, 43, repeatedly told her family that she could have made the same food at home for significantly less money.
Mall Of Central America Looted On Opening Day #~# TEGUCIGALPA, HONDURAS—Less than an hour after opening its doors, the new Mall of Central America was overrun Monday by thousands of impoverished locals, who ransacked the region's largest shopping center in a smash-and-grab frenzy.
You To Receive 15 Pounds Of Venison Sausage From Uncle #~#  YOUR HOUSE—According to reports from your sister, your uncle has completed this year's batch of venison sausage, 15 pounds of which are now en route to your home. "[Your dad] was going on and on about how he used a different batch of seasonings this year, like cloves," your sister said. "They're thicker this year, too." Upon arrival, the complimentary meat will be placed in your basement freezer below the nine pounds of last year's venison sausage.
Punk Band Has Something Against Local Newscaster For Some Reason #~#  HARRISBURG, PA—Crucial Consensus, a local hardcore punk band, apparently holds a longstanding grudge against Channel 27 newsanchor Rick Wagner. "They opened with this song called 'DickLick Wagner,'" said Brad Gottesman, 17, who attended the group's Tuesday show at the Harrisburg VFW Hall. "Then they played something called 'Phlegm At Eleven,' followed by 'Wankorman' and 'Channel 666.' They really seem to hate the media—especially, for some reason, Rick Wagner."
FBI Director Wishes He Had Some Alien Thing To Cover Up #~#  WASHINGTON, DC—Tired of focusing on counterfeiting operations and unsubstantiated homeland-security threats, FBI director Robert Mueller said Monday that he wishes he had some exciting alien thing to cover up. "Don't get me wrong, I know the work I do is important and necessary," Mueller said. "But, man, after a long day of reading 450-page reports on plausible areas of concern for liquor-license falsification, I really wish I could order a sweeping cover-up of reverse-engineered UFO technology." Mueller added that it would be cool just to see a real spaceman.
Democrats In Disarray #~# Having lost control of the Senate and lacking a clear leader and message, the Democratic Party appears to be in disarray. What do you think?
Adventures In Babysitting #~# For me, unemployment's really not all that bad. I can easily fill the hours with my many hobbies: recording and watching my soaps, reading romance novels, and, of course, shopping! Well, more like window shopping these days, but I still manage to pick up a few small items here and there. For example, Pamida had a great sale on infants' onesies and sleepers, and I spent less than $10 overall! 
Mom Tries To Appear Interested In Daughter's Documentary #~#  BOISE, ID—Connie Barstow, 56, struggled Monday to appear interested in her 29-year-old daughter Andrea's just-completed independent documentary, Incident At Round Rock. "Is that you holding that microphone?" asked Barstow, watching her daughter's 94-minute investigation of a racially motivated 1996 beating in a small northern Idaho town. "I think I recognize that purple bracelet you always wear." Connie went on to state that Andrea has a lovely speaking voice and could have narrated the film herself.
Elderly Man Silently Wages War Against Pharmacy #~# AKRON, OH—Local retiree Gerald Stennis, 87, has been waging a silent war against the Copley Road Walgreens for the past two months, family members told reporters Monday. 
Forget All That I Said About Me Being An Alcoholic #~# Oh, come on, guys. Did you actually think I was serious when I said all that stuff? God, that is so funny. I was totally kidding when I said I was an alcoholic. You didn't honestly believe all that stuff I said last night about "feeling like my life was whizzing out of control," did you? It was a joke. Haven't you ever heard of "humor" before? 
The Cobain Diaries #~# Journals, a book culled from the journal entries of Kurt Cobain, recently hit bookstores.
Video-Camera Tips #~# Video cameras are a fun and easy way to record those special moments in life. 
Surgeon General Mills Recommends Three To Five Servings Of Froot Per Day #~#  WASHINGTON, DC—In a report submitted Monday to the Department of Health and Human Services, Surgeon General James Mills recommended that Americans consume three to five servings of froot per day. “A crunchier, more berrilicious cousin of the fruit family, froot is vital to proper digestion and breakfast fun,” Surgeon General Mills said. “Whether you’re eating it straight off the vine or, ideally, in its processed ‘loop’ form, Americans should be sure to get plenty of froot.”
Report: Presidents Washington Through Bush May Have Lied About Key Matters #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In allegations likely to further erode Americans' faith in the office of the presidency, presidents George Washington through George W. Bush may have lied about key matters of national import during their tenures as chief executive, an independent-counsel investigation asserted Monday.
Area Man Thinking Up Funny Things To Say For Next Football Game #~# MCKEESPORT, PA—Seeking to continue his longstanding tradition of cracking wise during NFL telecasts, die-hard Pittsburgh Steelers fan Glenn Patek, 34, has already begun brainstorming quips for the team's Dec. 8 game against the Houston Texans.